a few good men

Genres: Drama, Military, Comedy, Legal, Crime, Courtroom, Thriller, Romance



Summary "A Few Good Men" is a legal drama that centers around the trial of two Marines accused of murder and conspiracy for their role in the death of another Marine. The defense is initially assigned to inept lawyer Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, but with the help of Joanne Galloway and Lieutenant Commander JoAnne Galloway, Kaffee matures during the trial and uncovers a conspiracy involving high-ranking officials. Kaffee's determination leads him to call Colonel Jessup, their commanding officer, to the stand, where he ultimately confesses to ordering the code red. Dawson and Downey are acquitted of murder charges but found guilty of a lesser offense and are dishonorably discharged. The movie ends with Kaffee planning a new case and planning a date with Jo, while Sam leaves to talk to his daughter.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique While A Few Good Men has a strong premise and some compelling moments, the film ultimately suffers from a lack of depth and subtlety. The characters are generally one-dimensional and the themes feel heavy-handed at times. However, the performances are strong and the courtroom scenes are engaging, keeping the audience invested despite the flaws in the storytelling.

Suggestions: Array

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here


Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths Overall, the strengths of the screenplay include strong character development, tense and compelling dialogue, effective plot development, and well-crafted scenes that create a consistent tone of tension and anticipation. The scenes effectively introduce and develop conflicts between characters, reveal new information about the plot and characters' motives, and build toward a satisfying climax. The use of humor and emotional depth also add to the overall strength of the screenplay. However, there may be room for improvement in terms of pacing and balancing the amount of exposition provided.
Scene Weaknesses Overall weaknesses in the screenplay include a lack of significant plot development, slow pacing, limited action and emotional impact, and a focus on exposition at the expense of character development. There are also concerns about the dialogue feeling heavy-handed or cliched at times and a reliance on prior knowledge for understanding certain scenes. Additionally, some viewers may find certain scenes slow or lacking in visual interest. To improve the screenplay, the author should focus on developing the plot further, creating more dynamic action and emotional tension, and balancing exposition with character development. The dialogue should also be refined to avoid cliches and heavy-handedness, while maintaining subtlety in themes and character beats. Finally, the author should aim to provide closure and resolution in each scene to create a satisfying viewing experience.
Suggestions Array

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Dialogue 8.2  83 Mo: 8.1 a few good men: 8.2
Conflict Level 7.6  51 The Shawshank Redemption: 7.5 Get Out: 7.6
Characters 8.1  40 Narcos: 8.0 Everything everywhere all at once: 8.1
Plot 7.9  40 Killers of the flower moon: 7.8 Everything everywhere all at once: 7.9
Concept 7.7  39 Community: 7.6 get out: 7.7
Emotional Impact 6.9  25 Madmen: 6.8 a few good men: 6.9
Overall 8.0  19 Requiem for a dream: 7.9 legally blonde: 8.0



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 A Nighttime Abduction "Tense" 7 8 6 7 09007 6
2 The Code Red "serious" 7 8 6 9 07005 8
3 The Right Man for the Job "light-hearted" 7 6 8 7 05004 8
4 Prepping for a Legal Case "Businesslike" 7 7 7 7 05004 7
5 Meeting with Jo "Serious" 8 8 7 9 06007 8
6 Santiago's Letter "Serious" 7 8 7 6 07009 6
7 The Letter "Dramatic" 8 9 8 7 07007 9
8 Arrival at the Brig "serious" 8 7 8 8 09007 7
9 Kaffee's Lack of Experience is Exposed "Sarcastic, serious" 7 6 7 8 08005 7
10 The Interrogation "Serious" 9 8 9 9 010008 9
11 Negotiations "serious" 9 8 9 9 07007 9
12 Conversation with Jo "sarcastic" 8 7 8 8 08006 9
13 Negotiating a Plea "serious" 8 8 8 7 07007 8
14 Arriving at Guantanamo Bay "Tense" 8 7 8 7 08006 7
15 untitled null 0 0 0 0 00000 0
16 Investigating Santiago's Room "Serious" 9 8 8 9 07006 9
17 Code Red Investigation "Tense" 8 9 7 8 010008 9
18 The Code Red is Revealed "tense" 9 8 9 8 010008 9
19 The Negotiation "tense" 9 8 9 9 010008 10
20 The Plea Offer "Tense" 8 9 7 9 09008 8
21 The Confrontation "Somber" 8 7 8 8 07008 9
22 The Plea "Serious" 7 7 6 8 05004 7
23 Preparing the Defense "tense" 7 7 8 7 06005 7
24 Preparation for the Defense "Tense" 8 8 9 8 07006 8
25 Pre-Trial Preparation "Serious" 8 7 8 9 06005 7
26 The Opening Statements "Serious" 9 9 8 8 08008 10
27 The Trial Begins "Tense" 7 7 8 7 08007 6
28 The Poisoning Allegation "Serious, tense" 8 9 8 7 07006 8
29 Kaffee and Jo Discuss Dinner Plans "Tense" 5 3 4 7 03002 5
30 Trial Testimony and Dinner Discussion "Serious" 8 7 8 8 06007 8
31 Markinson's Admission "Intense" 9 8 9 10 010009 10
32 Guarding the Witness "tense" 9 8 9 8 08007 8
33 The Stakes Are High "Serious" 7 7 8 7 07006 8
34 Kaffee's Examination of Kendrick "Tense" 9 8 9 10 010009 9
35 Unraveling the Coverup "Intense" 9 9 9 9 09008 9
36 The Letter and the Suicide "Tense" 8 8 9 7 09008 8
37 The Code Red Revealed "tense" 9 8 9 9 010009 9
38 Revelation and Despair "Serious" 8 8 7 8 06008 8
39 The Plan "Defeated" 8 8 7 9 06007 8
40 Preparing for the Final Stretch "Defeated" 7 6 6 8 04006 7
41 Jessep Testifies in Court "Tense" 8 8 9 8 010007 8
42 The Ace Up the Sleeve "tense" 9 8 8 9 010008 10
43 JESSEP Cross-Examination "Tense" 9 8 10 8 09008 9
44 Jessep Confesses "Intense" 9 10 9 8 010009 10
45 The Confrontation "Tense" 9 8 9 8 0110010 10
46 Verdict and Discharge "dramatic" 9 8 8 9 070010 9
47 Celebration "upbeat" 8 8 7 9 03005 8


Scene 1 - A Nighttime Abduction
A FEW GOOD MEN



Written by


Aaron Sorkin




Revised Third Draft
July 15, 1991
FADE IN:

EXT. A SENTRY TOWER --

-- in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere.

Small beams of light coming from lamps attached to the tower
cut through the ground mist. We HEAR all the unidentifiable
sounds of night in the woods. We also HEAR, very, very
faintly, a slow, deliberate drum cadence. And as this
starts, we begin to MOVE SLOWLY UP THE TOWER, more becomes
visible now:... the sandbags on the ground piled ten-high...
the steel, fire escape-type stairway wrapping around the
structure and leading to the lookout post, and finally...
THE LOOKOUT POST, maybe forty feet off the ground.

Standing the post is the silhouette of A MARINE. He's
holding a rifle and staring straight out.

The drum cadence has been building slightly.

CUT TO:

A WIDER SHOT OF THE FENCELINE. And we see by the moonlight
that the tall wire-mesh fence winds its way far, far into
the distance.

SUBTITLE: UNITED STATES NAVAL BASE GUANTANAMO BAY - CUBA.

The drum cadence continues, and we

CUT TO:

INT. A MARINE BARRACKS

We HEAR two pairs of footsteps and then

CUT TO:

THE BARRACKS CORRIDOR

where we see that the footsteps belong to DAWSON and DOWNEY,
two young marines who we'll get to know later. They stop
when they get to a certain door. The drum cadence is still
growing. DAWSON puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it
slowly. He opens's the door and they walk into

INT. SANTIAGO'S ROOM - NIGHT

WILLY SANTIAGO, a young, very slight marine, lies asleep in
his bunk.
2.

DAWSON kneels down by the bed, puts his hand on SANTIAGO'S
shoulder and shakes him gently. SANTIAGO opens his yes,
looks at DAWSON, and for a moment there's nothing wrong --

-- and then SANTIAGO's eyes fill with terror. He lunges out
of the bed -- but forget about it. In one flash DAWSON and
DOWNEY grab him out of bed, and before the scream can come
out, DOWNEY's shoved a piece of cloth into SANTIAGO's mouth.

Everything that happens next occurs with speed, precision
and professionalism.

-- A strip of duct tape is pulled, ripped, and slapped onto
his mouth and eyes --

-- A length of rope is wrapped around his hands and feet.

DOWNEY
(quietly)
You're lucky it's us, Willy.

-- An arm grabs him tightly around the neck, not choking
him, just holding his head still --

-- The drum cadence has built to a crescendo. We HEAR four
sharp blasts from a whistle and we

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. THE WASHINGTON NAVY YARD - DAY

and the drum cadence we've been hearing has turned into
Semper Fidelis and it's coming from THE U.S. MARINE CORPS
BAND, a sight to behold in their red and gold uniforms and
polished silver and brass.

The BAND is performing on the huge and lush parade grounds
before a crowd made up mostly of TOURISTS and DAY-CAMPERS.

As the TITLES ROLL, we watch the BAND do their thing from
various angles. Incredible precision is the name of the
game. Each polished black shoe hitting the ground as if they
were all attached by a rod. Each drumstick raised to the
same fraction of a centimeter before striking. A RIFLE DRILL
TEAM that can't possibly be human. Flags, banners, the
works.

SUBTITLE: THE WASHINGTON NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON, D.C.

CUT TO:

HIGH ANGLE of the entire band an we end credits.

CUT TO:
3.

EXT. A RED BRICK BUILDING - DAY

It's an important building, a main building. A few SAILORS
enter and exit and

CUT TO:

A WOMAN

as she walks across the courtyard toward the brick building.
The WOMAN is JOANNE GALLOWAY, a navy lawyer in her early
She's bright, attractive, impulsive, and has a tendency to
speak quickly. If she had any friends, they'd call her JO.
As she walks, she mutters to herself ...

JO
I'm requesting... I'm... Captain,
I'd like to request that I be the
attorney assigned to rep -- I'd
like to request that it be myself
who is assigned to represent --
(she stops)
"That it be myself who is assigned
to represent"? ...Good, Jo, that's
confidence inspiring.

We follow JO, still muttering, as she walks into the brick
building which bears the seal of the

UNITED STATES NAVY - JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL'S CORPS

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Two young marines kidnap another marine from his bunk, while a U.S. Marine Corps Band performs at the Washington Navy Yard.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of tension and apprehension, with the tension of the band performance contrasting with the nighttime kidnapping. The precision of the band and the professionalism of the kidnappers in their execution creates a sense of expertise and skill at work."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks character development and is purely focused on the action at hand, giving little context or motivation for the kidnapping."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene shows strong visual storytelling and a good use of sound to create atmosphere. The descriptions are clear and concise, and the pacing is well-managed.

One possible critique is that there is no clear connection between the opening sequence with the Marines and the following scenes with Joanne Galloway. While it is possible that this will be explained or become relevant later in the script, at this point it feels somewhat jarring to transition from a tense military setting to a shot of tourists watching a parade.

Additionally, the character descriptions for Joanne Galloway feel somewhat cliched - the "bright, attractive, impulsive" woman who speaks quickly and has a tendency to mutter to herself. While this type of character can work in the right context, it's important to avoid relying too heavily on stereotypes and instead create fully realized and nuanced characters.

Overall, however, this scene sets up an intriguing premise and uses strong visuals to draw the audience into the world of the story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest adding more details and context to this scene. The opening scene sets the tone for the entire movie, so it's important to make sure it's clear and engaging. Here are some suggestions:

1. Give more description of the environment: While the mist and night sounds are described, it would be helpful to add some further detail to create a sense of atmosphere. Is it humid or dry? Are there any distinct smells or visuals? Adding more sensory language can help immerse the audience in the scene.

2. Provide more background information: While the subtitle gives some indication that the location is Guantanamo Bay, it would be helpful to have more context on what is happening there and why. Is there tension in the air? Are there any political undertones to the setting? Providing more context can make the audience more invested in the story from the start.

3. Add more character development: While we get a brief introduction to Joanne, it would be helpful to have more information about who she is and what motivates her. This could be through dialogue, inner thoughts, or even visual cues. Understanding the protagonist on a deeper level can help the audience connect with the story and the character's journey.

Overall, adding more descriptive language, background information, and character development can elevate this scene and set the stage for a compelling movie.



Scene 2 - The Code Red
INT. WEST'S OFFICE - DAY

As JO enters. CAPTAIN WEST and two other officers, GIBBS
and LAWRENCE, sit around a conference table.

GIBBS
Jo, come on in.

JO
Thank you, sir.

GIBBS
Captain West, this is Lt. Commander
Galloway. Jo, you know Mike
Lawrence.

JO
Yes sir.
(to WEST)
Captain, I appreciate your seeing
me on such short notice.
4.

WEST
I understand there was some trouble
over the weekend down in Cuba.

JO
Yes sir... This past Friday
evening. Two marines, Corporal
Harold Dawson and Private Louden
Downey, entered the barracks room
of a PFC William Santiago and
assaulted him. Santiago died at the
base hospital approximately an hour
later. The NIS agent who took their
statements maintains they were
trying to prevent Santiago from
naming them in a fenceline shooting
incident. They're scheduled to have
a hearing down in Cuba at 4:00 this
afternoon.

LAWRENCE
What's the problem?

JO
Dawson and Downey are both
recruiting poster marines and
Santiago was known to be a screw-
up. I was thinking that it sounded
an awful lot like a code red.

Jo lets this sink in a moment.

WEST
(under his breath)
Christ.

JO
I'd like them moved up to
Washington and assigned counsel.
Someone who can really look into
this. Someone who possesses not
only the legal skill, but a
familiarity with the inner workings
of the military. In short, Captain,
I'd like to suggest that... I be
the one who, that it be me who is
assigned to represent them.
(beat)
Myself.

Jo looks around the room for a response.
5.

WEST
Joanne, why don't you get yourself
a cup of coffee.

JO
Thank you, sir, I'm fine.

WEST
Joanne, I'd like you to leave the
room so we can talk about you
behind your back.

JO
Certainly, sir.

JO gets up and walks out.

WEST
I thought this Code Red shit wasn't
going on anymore.

LAWRENCE
With the marines at GITMO? Who the
hell knows what goes on down there.

WEST
Well lets find out before the rest
of the world does, this thing could
get messy. What about this woman?

LAWRENCE
Jo's been working a desk at
internal affairs for what, almost a
year now.

WEST
And before that?

GIBBS
She disposed of three cases in two
years.

WEST
Three cases in two years? Who was
she handling, the Rosenbergs?

GIBBS
She's not cut out for litigation.

LAWRENCE
She's a hall of an investigator,
Jerry --
6.

GIBBS
In Internal Affairs, sure. She can
crawl up a lawyer's ass with the
best of 'em, but when it comes to
trial work --

WEST
I know. All passion, no street
smarts. Bring her back in.

LAWRENCE goes to the door and motions for JO to come back
in.

WEST
(continuing)
Commander, we're gonna move the
defendants up here in the morning.

JO
Thank you, sir.

WEST
And I'll have Division assign them
counsel...

JO
(beat)
But... not me.

WEST
From what I understand from your
colleagues, you're much too
valuable in your present assignment
to be wasted on what I'm sure will
boil down to a five minute plea
bargain and a week's worth of paper
work.

JO
Sir --

WEST
Don't worry about it. I promise
you, division'll assign the right
man for the job.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","military"]

Summary Joanne proposes to take on a case of two marines for assaulting a screw-up called Santiago, who later dies, as a legal representative. Joanne faces resistance, and in the end, the defendants' counsel is assigned by Division.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and character introductions."
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique First of all, the writing in this scene is crisp and concise, which is great. However, there is room for improvement in terms of character development and dialogue.

The characters of Captain West, Gibbs, Lawrence, and Jo are not well fleshed out. They all speak in a similar manner without much variation and don't really have any distinguishing features or personality traits. It would be helpful to give them more distinct voices and behaviors in order to make them more interesting to watch.

The dialogue could also use more subtext and conflict. Right now, too much of it is straightforward exposition and explanation. It would be more engaging if the characters were more actively trying to achieve their goals and clashing with one another over their differing viewpoints. For example, if Jo were more insistent about wanting to take on the case herself, and Captain West and the others were more resistant to the idea, it would create more tension in the scene.

Overall, this scene serves its purpose of setting up the plot and introducing the characters, but it could benefit from more dynamic dialogue and character development.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I would make to improve this scene:

1. Add some action lines to break up the dialogue and provide some visual interest for the audience. For example, you could show Jo entering the room and taking a seat, or Captain West drumming his fingers on the table.

2. Clarify who is speaking at certain points in the scene. For example, when Gibbs says "Jo, come on in," it's not immediately clear who he's addressing.

3. Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, especially when it comes to Jo's motivations for wanting to represent the defendants. Why is she so passionate about this case? What is she willing to risk in order to take it on? Adding some layers to the characters' intentions can help make the scene more dynamic.

4. Think about how you can incorporate some conflict into the scene. Right now, there isn't a lot of tension or disagreement between the characters. Adding some contrasting perspectives or opposing goals can help push the story forward and make the scene more interesting to watch.



Scene 3 - The Right Man for the Job
EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - DAY

THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB

His name is LIEUTENANT JUNIOR GRADE DANIEL ALLISTAIR KAFFEE,
and it's almost impossible not to like him.
7.

At the moment he's hitting fungoes to about a dozen LAWYERS
who are spread out on the softball field on a corner of the
bass. The '27 Yankees they're not, but they could probably
hold their own against a group of, say, Airforce dentists.

KAFFEE's in his late 20's, 15 months out of Harvard Law
School, and a brilliant legal mind waiting for a courageous
spirit to drive it. He is, at this point in his life,
passionate about nothing... except maybe softball.

KAFFEE
(calling out to the team)
Alright, let's get two!

He smacks one to the SECOND BASE. The ball bounces right
between his legs.

SECOND BASE
Sorry!

KAFFEE
Nothing to be sorry about, Sherby.
Just look the ball into your glove.

He smacks one out to the same place. It bounces off the heel
of SHERBY's glove and into center field.

SECOND BASE (SHERBY)
Sorry!

KAFFEE
You gotta trust me, Sherby. You
keep your eyes open, your chances
of catching the ball increase by a
factor of ten.

SPRADLING, a young naval officer, sweaty and out of breath,
walks up behind the backstop.

SPRADLING
Kaffee!

KAFFEE
Let's try it again.

SPRADLING
Kaffee!!

KAFFEE
(turning)
Dave. You seem upset and
distraught.
8.

SPRADLING
We were supposed to meet in your
office 15 minutes ago to talk about
the McDermott case. You're stalling
on this thing. Now we got this done
and I mean now, or no kidding,
Kaffee, I'll hang your boy from a
fuckin' yardarm.

KAFFEE
A yardarm?
(calling out)
Sherby, does the Navy still hang
people from yardarms?

SHERBY
(calling back)
I don't think so, Danny.

KAFFEE
(back to SPRADLING)
Dave, Sherby doesn't think the Navy
hangs people from yardarms anymore.
(back to the field)
Let's go, let's get two!

He goes back to hitting fungoes.

SPRADLING
I'm gonna charge him with
possession and being under the
influence while on duty. Plead
guilty and I'll recommend 30 days
in the brig with loss of rank and
pay.

KAFFEE
It was oregano, Dave, it was ten
dollars worth of oregano.

SPRADLING
Yeah, well your client thought it
was marijuana.

KAFFEE
My client's a moron, that's not
against the law.

Swapp! The THIRD BASEMAN takes one in the face.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Ow. That had to hurt.
(calling out)
9.

Way to keep your head in the play,
Lester. Walk it off!

SPRADLING
I've got people to answer to just
like you, I'm gonna charge him.

KAFFEE
With what, possession of a
condiment?

SPRADLING
Kaffee --

KAFFEE
Dave, I've tried to help you out of
this, but if you ask for tall time,
I'm gonna file a motion to dismiss.

SPRADLING
You won't got it.

KAFFEE
I will get it. And if the MTD is
denied, I'll file a motion in
liminee seeking to obtain
evidentiary ruling in advance, and
after that I'm gonna file against
pre-trial confinement, and you're
gonna spend an entire summer going
blind on paperwork because a
Signalman Second Class bought and
smoked a dime bag of oregano.

SPRADLING
B Misdemeanor, 20 days in the brig.

KAFFEE
C Misdemeanor, 15 days restricted
duty.

SPRADLING
I don't know why I'm agreeing to
this.

KAFFEE
'Cause you have wisdom beyond your
years. Dave, can you play third
base?
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee hits fungoes on a softball field while stalling on a legal case. He argues with Spradling over the charge of possession and being under the influence while on duty. Kaffee ultimately convinces Spradling to charge with a lesser offense.
Strengths "The dialogue showcases Kaffee's intelligence, witty banter, and bravado; the use of the softball game as a side setting adds humor to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene feels a bit drawn-out, and there isn't much emotional tension."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and establishes the character of Lieutenant Junior Grade Daniel Allistair Kaffee effectively through his interactions with the other characters. The use of humor keeps the dialogue engaging. However, the setting and action may not be immediately relevant to the overall plot of the story. In terms of formatting, the scene description is clear and the dialogue is easy to follow. While the scene serves to showcase Kaffee's personality and provide some backstory, it may benefit from clearer connections to the main plot or themes of the story.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to tighten up the dialogue between Kaffee and Spradling, as it feels like it drags on a bit too long. Another suggestion would be to add more visual description or action to break up the talking and give the scene more energy. For example, showing Kaffee hitting more impressive fungoes or having one of the lawyers make a great catch could add some excitement to the scene. Lastly, it may be helpful to establish the stakes of the McDermott case earlier in the scene, so the audience understands why there is tension between Kaffee and Spradling.



Scene 4 - Prepping for a Legal Case
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

About 16 NAVY AND MARINE LAWYERS (several of whom are women)
are taking their seats around a large conference table.
10.

A PARALEGAL is handing out folders and some photocopied
papers to the LAWYERS.

We might notice that one of the lawyers is Lieutenant Junior
Grade SAM WEINBERG. Sam's serious and studious looking. If
he weren't in uniform, you wouldn't guess that he was a
naval officer.

CAPTAIN WHITAKER walks in.

WHITAKER
'Morning.

LAWYERS
(school class)
'Morning Captain Whitaker.

WHITAKER
Sam, how's the baby?

SAM
I think she's ready to say her
first word any day now.

WHITAKER
How can you tell?

SAM
She just looks like she has
something to say.

KAFFEE walks in.

KAFFEE
Excuse me, sorry I'm late.

WHITAKER
I'm sure you don't have a good
excuse, so I won't force you to
come up with a bad one.

KAFFEE
Thank you, Isaac, that's nice of
you.

WHITAKER
Sit-down, this first one's for you.

He hands KAFFEE some files.
11.

WHITAKER
(continuing)
You're moving up in the world,
Danny, you've been requested by
Division.

"Oooh"'s and "Ahhh"'S from the other LAWYERS. (Subtle Note:
Kaffee doesn't want to move up in the world.)

KAFFEE
Requested to do what?

WHITAKER hands him a file.

WHITAKER
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. A marine
corporal named Dawson illegally
fires a round from his weapon over
the fenceline and into Cuban
territory.

KAFFEE
What's a fenceline?

WHITAKER
Sam?

SAM
A big wall separating the good guys
from the bad guys.

KAFFEE
Teachers pet.

WHITAKER
PFC William Santiago threatens to
rat on Dawson to the Naval
investigative Service. Dawson and
another member of his squad, PFC
Louden Downey, they go into
Santiago's room, tie him up, and
stuff a rag down his throat. An
hour later, Santiago's dead.
Attending physician says the rag
was treated with some kind of
toxin.

KAFFEE
They poisoned the rag?

WHITAKER
Not according to them.
12.

KAFFEE
What do they say?

WHITAKER
Not much. They're being flown up
here tomorrow and on Thursday at
you'll catch a transport down to
Cuba for the day to find out what
you can. Meantime, go across the
yard and see Lt. Commander Joanne
Galloway. She's the one who had 'em
brought up here. She'll fill you in
on whatever she has. Any questions?

KAFFEE
The flight to Cuba, was that 0600
in the morning, sir?

WHITAKER
It seems important to Division that
this one be handled by the book, so
I'm assigning co-counsel. Any
volunteers?

SAM
No.

WHITAKER
Sam.

SAM
I have a stack of paper on my desk -
-

WHITAKER
Work with Kaffee on this.

SAM
Doing what? Kaffee'll finish this
up in four days.

WHITAKER
Do various... administrative... you
know... things. Back-up. Whatever.

SAM
In other words I have no
responsibilities whatsoever.

WHITAKER
Right.
13.

SAM
My kinda case.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Military","Legal"]

Summary Military lawyers discuss a case regarding the assault and death of a marine and are assigned to investigate it further.
Strengths "The scene effectively sets up the legal case and the characters involved. There is minimal exposition while still being informative. The dialogue is truthful to the characters."
Weaknesses "There seems to be a lack of emotional impact and conflict in the scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would provide the following critique:

Overall, this scene sets up the premise of the story and establishes some character dynamics, but there are some areas that could be improved upon. Here are some specific notes:

- Description: The opening description of the scene is clear and concise, but could benefit from more sensory details to help visualize the room and characters. For example, what kind of furniture is in the conference room? What do the lawyers look like beyond their gender? Adding more specific details can help ground the audience in the environment.

- Dialogue: The dialogue between the characters feels natural and sets up their personalities well, but some lines can come across as too expository. For example, when Sam explains what a fenceline is, it feels like he's giving information to the audience rather than having a natural conversation with his colleagues. Finding more subtle ways to convey information can make scenes feel more organic.

- Action: There isn't much action in this scene beyond the characters sitting down and receiving files, which can make it feel slow. Consider adding some physicality to the scene, such as characters standing up, gesturing, or fidgeting, to keep the scene visually interesting.

- Conflict: The scene sets up some potential conflict between the characters, particularly between Kaffee and Sam, but it doesn't escalate to anything particularly dramatic. Finding a way to heighten the tension and stakes in the scene can make it feel more engaging.

Overall, this scene sets up the story and characters in a functional way, but could benefit from more specificity and energy.
Suggestions Overall, this scene sets up the premise for the movie and introduces us to some of the main characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Make the dialogue more concise and purposeful. There are some lengthy exchanges that could be condensed to keep the scene moving.

2. Add more visual description to make the scene more dynamic. Right now, it's mostly people sitting at a table talking. You could describe the conference room setting in more detail or add some action for the lawyers as they receive the files and folders.

3. Develop the characters more. Aside from Sam being serious and studious, we don't really know much about any of the characters. Adding some small details or quirks to them could make them more memorable and interesting.

4. Consider adding some conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, it's all very cordial and matter-of-fact. Adding some underlying tension or disagreement between the characters could make it more engaging to watch.



Scene 5 - Meeting with Jo
INT. JO'S OFFICE - DAY

JO sits behind her desk. KAFFEE and SAM stand in the
doorway. KAFFEE knocks politely.

JO looks up.

KAFFEE
Hi.
(beat)
I'm Daniel Kaffee. I was told to
meet with --
(checks notes)
-- Commander Galloway.

JO is staring at him. KAFFEE doesn't know why.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
About a briefing.

JO is finding this hard to believe.

JO
You're the attorney that Division
assigned?

KAFFEE
I'm lead counsel. This is Sam
Weinberg.

SAM
I have no responsibilities here
whatsoever.

JO's deeply puzzled.

JO
(beat)
Come in, please, have a seat...

KAFFEE and SAM come into the office and sit.

JO
(continuing)
Lieutenant, how long have you been
in the Navy?
14.

KAFFEE
Going on nine months now.

JO
And how long have you been out of
law school?

KAFFEE
A little over a year.

JO
(beat)
I see.

KAFFEE
Have I done something wrong?

JO
No. It's just that when I
petitioned Division to have counsel
assigned, I was hoping I'd be taken
seriously.

KAFFEE and SAM exchange a look.

KAFFEE
(to JO)
No offense taken, if you were
wondering.

SAM
Commander, Lt. Kaffee's generally
considered the best litigator in
our office. He's successfully plea
bargained 44 cases in nine months.

KAFFEE
One more, and I got a set of steak
knives.

JO
Have you ever been in a courtroom?

KAFFEE
I once had my drivers license
suspended.

SAM
Danny --
15.

KAFFEE
Commander, from what I understand,
if this thing goes to court, they
won't need a lawyer, they'll need a
priest.

JO
No. They'll need a lawyer.

During this, she'll hand KAFFEE a series of files, which
KAFFEE will pass To SAM without even glancing at them.

JO
(continuing)
Dawson's family has been contacted.
Downey's closest living relative is
Ginny Miller, his aunt on his
mother's side, she hasn't been
Contacted yet.

None of this really means anything to KAFFEE.

JO
(continuing)
Would you like me to take care of
that?

KAFFEE
Sure, if you feel like it.

JO takes another beat to size this guy up.

JO
One of the people you'll be
speaking to down there is the
barracks C.O., Colonel Nathan
Jessep, I assume you've heard of
him.

KAFFEE
(beat)
Who hasn't?

SAM
(to KAFFEE)
He's been in the papers lately.
He's expected to be appointed
Director of Operations for the
National Security Counsel.

Passing KAFFEE another file --
16.

JO
These are letters that Santiago
wrote in his 8 months at GITMO --

SAM
(whispering to kaffee)
Guantanamo Bay.

KAFFEE
I know that one.

JO
He wrote to his recruiter, the
fleet commander, HQ, Atlantic, even
his senator. He wanted a transfer.
Nobody was listening. You with me?

KAFFEE
Yes.

JO
This last letter to the Naval
investigative Service --

She hands it to KAFFEE who hands it to Sam --

JO
(continuing)
-- where he offers information
about Corporal Dawson's fenceline
shooting in exchange for a
transfer, was just a last ditch
effort.

KAFFEE
Right. Is that all?

JO
(beat)
Lieutenant, this letter makes it
look like your client had a motive
to kill Santiago.

KAFFEE
Gotcha.
(beat)
And Santiago is... who?

JO
(beat)
The victim.
17.

KAFFEE
(to SAM)
Write that down.
(to JO)
Am I correct in assuming that these
letters don't paint a flattering
picture of marine corps life in
Guantanamo Bay?

JO
Yes, among other --

KAFFEE
And am I further right in assuming
that a protracted investigation of
this incident might cause some
embarrassment for the security
counsel guy.

JO
Colonel Jessep, yes, but --

KAFFEE
Twelve years.

JO
I'm sorry?

KAFFEE
Twelve years. I can get it knocked
down to Involuntary Manslaughter.
Twelve years.

JO
You haven't talked to a witness,
you haven't looked at a piece of
paper.

KAFFEE
Pretty impressive, huh?

JO
You're gonna have to go deeper than
just --

KAFFEE
Commander, do you have some sort of
jurisdiction here that I should
know about?

JO
My job is to make sure you do your
job.
18.

I'm special counsel for Internal
Affairs, so my jurisdiction's
pretty much in your face. Read the
letters. You're not under any
obligation, but I'd appreciate a
report when you get back from Cuba.

KAFFEE
Sure.

KAFFEE gets up without waiting for JO to say --

JO
You're dismissed.

KAFFEE
Sorry, I always forget that.

KAFFEE's gone. SAM's standing in the doorway.

SAM
He's a little preoccupied.
(beat)
The team's playing Bethesda Medical
next week.

JO
Tell your friend not to get cute
down there. The marines in
Guantanimo are fanatical.

SAM
About what?

And in VOICE OVER we HEAR --

SANTIAGO (V.O.)
Dear Sir,

JO
About being marines.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Lieutenant Kaffee meets with Jo, who is not impressed by his lack of experience. She gives him files on Santiago's case and warns him about the dangers of dealing with the Marines in Guantanamo Bay.
Strengths "Strong character development, tense dialogue, realistic legal setting."
Weaknesses "Slow pacing, lack of action, lack of backstory for Santiago."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene is from the screenplay of A Few Good Men. Overall, the scene is well-crafted and effective. The dialogue is sharp and builds tension between the characters. The exposition is delivered seamlessly through natural conversation.

The characters are established well in the scene. Jo is serious, professional, and not easily impressed, while Kaffee is more laid-back and self-assured. Sam provides a comedic element with his quips.

The stakes of the scene are established when Jo expresses concern that Kaffee is not qualified to handle the case. This sets up the conflict for the rest of the film and creates anticipation for how Kaffee will prove himself to Jo and win the case.

One minor critique is that the exposition could be more elegantly integrated into the dialogue. For example, the information about Guantanamo Bay could be hinted at more subtly instead of being directly explained.

Overall, this scene is well-written and sets up the foundation for the rest of the film.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add some visual elements: Currently, the scene consists primarily of dialogue between the three characters. Introducing some visual elements, such as close-ups of Jo's facial expressions, Kaffee's body language, or even some shots of the files they are talking about, can make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

2. Build up the tension: The scene is relatively flat and lacks a sense of urgency or tension. Adding small details that hint at the stakes of the situation, such as Jo's anxiety at the idea of Kaffee being assigned as the lead counsel or Kaffee's eagerness to please his superiors, can add depth and complexity to the characters and keep the audience engaged.

3. Strengthen the character interactions: While the dialogue is functional, it lacks subtext or nuance. Developing the characters' relationships with one another, such as adding subtle power plays or conflicts, can make the conversation more interesting and help flesh out the characters.

4. Clarify the story: For audiences unfamiliar with the story, it can be hard to follow the significance of the various names and terms being thrown around. Adding more context and explaining things in more detail can make it easier for audiences to keep up with the story.



Scene 6 - Santiago's Letter
EXT. CUBAN FIELD - DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS - DAY

And while we HEAR the letter read in V.O., what we're seeing
is this: SANTIAGO's life in Guantanimo Bay over the last 8
months. He had a rough time of it.

THE SHOTS
SHOULD INCLUDE:
19.

-- SANTIAGO running along at the rear of a group of MARINES.
It's been over seven miles and he's matted with sweat. A
SERGEANT runs up along side, grabs his back, and pushes him
to keep up with the group. SANTIAGO falls, struggles to get
back up and keep running, and

CUT TO:

EXT. MARINE BARRACKS - DAY

-- SANTIAGO doing push-ups alone in the rain. He's being
supervised by a SERGEANT who sees to it that his face hits
the mud every time down and

CUT TO:

INT. MESS HALL - DAY

-- SANTIAGO sitting alone in the mess hall, not a friend
within four seats of him and

CUT TO:

EXT. MARINE BARRACKS - DAY

-- SANTIAGO being chewed out by a Lieutenant in front of his
squad and

CUT TO:

EXT. ROCKY HILL - DAY

-- SANTIAGO running with the squad of MARINES again, this
time down a rocky hill. It's hot as hell and it looks like
he's gonna pass out.

He stumbles, and the SERGEANT picks him up and pushes him
down the hill. He rolls about 30 feet before he stops. Over
this, we HEAR

SANTIAGO (V.O.)
"...My name is PFC William T.
Santiago. I am a marine stationed
at Marine Barracks, Rifle Security
Company Windward, Second Platoon
Delta. I am writing to inform you
of my problems with my unit here in
Cuba and to ask for your help. I've
fallen out on runs before for
several reasons such as feeling
dizzy or nauseated, but on May
18th, I'd fallen back about 20 or
30 yards going down a rocky,
unstable hill.
20.

My sergeant grabbed me and pushed
me down the hill. Then I saw all
black and the last thing I remember
is hitting the deck. I was brought
to the hospital where I was told I
just had heat exhaustion and was
explained to by the doctor that my
body has trouble with the hot sun
and I hyperventilate. I ask you to
help me. Please sir. I just need to
be transferred out of RSC.
Sincerely. PFC William T. Santiago.
U.S. Marine Corps."

At this point, with SANTIAGO's letter still in V.O., we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Military"]

Summary A series of shots show the difficult life of marine Santiago in Guantanamo Bay while we hear his letter being read out loud. The shots include Santiago struggling to keep up with the other marines on a run, being punished with push-ups in the rain, sitting alone in the mess hall, and being chewed out by a lieutenant in front of his squad. The scene ends with the letter still being read in voiceover.
Strengths "The use of visual flashbacks alongside voiceover narration creates a compelling and emotionally engaging scene."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and lacks much of a plot or character development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 6

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well written and effectively conveys the harsh treatment Santiago has been enduring in Guantanamo Bay. The series of shots create a sense of progression and momentum that keep the scene moving forward.

One note for improvement would be to add more specificity to the action. For example, instead of simply stating "SANTIAGO falls, struggles to get back up and keep running," it could be more impactful to describe the physical toll this takes on him. Does he gasp for breath? Does he grimace in pain as he stands back up? These sensory details can help the audience better connect with Santiago's experience.

Additionally, while most of the shots are well crafted, the shot of Santiago sitting alone in the mess hall could benefit from some more visual interest. Perhaps there could be some movement in the background or foreground to create a more dynamic image.

Overall, this scene effectively uses visuals and voiceover to convey Santiago's plight and set up the conflict that will drive the story forward.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would include:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: This scene is meant to show Santiago's difficult life in Guantanamo Bay over the past eight months. However, it could benefit from a clearer purpose, such as establishing Santiago's character and motivation or building tension for the upcoming conflict.

2. Use more specific and visceral language: The current description of Santiago's experiences is relatively vague and could benefit from more intense and specific language to convey the physical and emotional toll of his situation. For example, instead of "he had a rough time of it," the description could include specific instances of physical and emotional abuse Santiago has endured.

3. Consider dramatizing the letter reading: While the voiceover of Santiago's letter is useful for conveying information, it could benefit from more visual interest. One option would be to show the person reading the letter (perhaps Santiago's family or superiors) reacting emotionally to its contents, which could add greater stakes and emotional resonance to the scene.

4. Focus on character relationships: The current sequence of shots focuses primarily on Santiago's isolation and mistreatment. While this is an important aspect of the scene, it could benefit from more focus on specific relationships between Santiago and other characters, such as his interactions with his fellow Marines or superiors. This could add greater depth and complexity to the scene.

5. Build to a cliffhanger: As the scene stands, it ends abruptly with the cut to the letter reading. However, it could benefit from a more dramatic buildup to this moment, such as by ending with Santiago struggling and collapsing on the rocky hill. This would create a sense of tension and anticipation for the letter reading that follows.



Scene 7 - The Letter
INT. JESSEP'S OFFICE - DAY

THE LETTER - DAY

It's the last paragraph of the letter we've been hearing,
and at the moment, we can't see the hands that are holding
it.

SANTIAGO (V.O.)
"P.S. In exchange for my transfer
off the base, I'm willing to
provide you with information about
an illegal fenceline shooting that
occurred the night of August 2nd."

And as these last words are spoken, we PULL BACK TO REVEAL
COLONEL NATHAN R. JESSEP, who drops the letter he's been
reading on his desk, where it joins a stack of other letters
just like it.

JESSEP's a born leader, considered in many circles to be one
of the real fair-haired boys of the Corps. He's smart as a
whip with a sense of humor to match. As soon as he drops the
letter, he says

JESSEP
Who the fuck is PFC William T.
Santiago.

He's talking to his two senior officers. CAPTAIN MARKINSON
is in his late 40's. He's a career marine and a nice guy in
a world where nice guys may not finish last, but they sure
as shit don't finish first. Lt. JONATHAN JAMES KENDRICK is
from Georgia, and an Academy graduate.
21.

If you asked him he'd tell you that the gates to heaven are
guarded by the U.S. Marine Corps.

KENDRICK
Sir, Santiago is a member of Second
Platoon, Delta.

JESSEP
Yeah, well, apparently he's not
very happy down here at Shangri-La,
cause he's written letters to
everyone but Santa Claus asking for
a transfer. And now he's telling
tales about a fenceline shooting.

He tosses the letter over to MARKINSON. MARKINSON is looking
it over. JESSEP is waiting for a response.

JESSEP
(continuing)
Matthew?

MARKINSON
I'm appalled, sir.

JESSEP
You're appalled? This kid broke the
Chain of Command and he ratted on a
man of his unit, to say nothing of
the fact that he's a U.S. Marine
and it would appear that he can't
run from here to there without
collapsing from heat exhaustion.
What the fuck's going on over at
Windward, Matthew?

MARKINSON
Colonel, I think perhaps it would
be better to hold this discussion
in private.

KENDRICK
That won't be necessary, Colonel,
I'll handle the situation.

MARKINSON
The same way you handled the Curtis
Barnes incident? You're doing
something wrong, Lieutenant this --

KENDRICK
My methods of leadership are --
22.

MARKINSON
Don't interrupt me, I'm still your
superior officer.

JESSEP
And I'm yours, Matthew.

The room calms down for a moment.

JESSEP
(continuing)
I want to know what we're gonna do
about this.

MARKINSON
I think Santiago should be
transferred off the base. Right
away.

JESSEP
He's that bad, huh?

MARKINSON
Not only that, but word of this
letter's bound to get out. The
kid's gonna get his ass kicked.

JESSEP
Transfer Santiago. Yes I suppose
you're right. I suppose that's the
thing to do. Wait. Wait. I've got a
better idea. Let's transfer the
whole squad off the base. Let's --
on second thought -- Windward. The
whole Windward division, let's
transfer 'em off the base. Jon, go
on out there and get those boys
down off the fence, they're packing
their bags.
(calling out)
Tom!

The ORDERLY cones in from the outer office.

ORDERLY
Sir!

JESSEP
Got me the President on the phone,
we're surrendering our position in
Cuba.

ORDERLY
Yes sir!
23.

JESSEP
Wait a minute, Tom.

The ORDERLY stops.

JESSEP
(continuing)
Don't call the President just yet.
Maybe we should consider this for a
second. Maybe -- and I'm just spit
balling here -- but maybe we as
officers have a responsibility to
train Santiago. Maybe we as
officers have a responsibility to
this country to see that the men
and women charged with its security
are trained professionals. Yes. I'm
certain I once read that somewhere.
And now I'm thinking that your
suggestion of transferring
Santiago, while expeditious, and
certainly painless, might not be in
a manner of speaking, the American
way. Santiago stays where he is.
We're gonna train the lad. You're
in charge, Jon. Santiago doesn't
make 4.1 on his next fitness
report, I'm gonna blame you. Then
I'm gonna kill you.

KENDRICK
Yes sir.

MARKINSON
I think that's a mistake, Colonel.

JESSEP
Matthew, I believe I will have that
word in private with you now. Jon,
that's all. Why don't you and I
have lunch at the "O" club, we'll
talk about the training of young
William.

KENDRICK
Yes sir, I'd be delighted to hear
any suggestions you have.

JESSEP
Dismissed.

KENDRICK is gone.
24.

JESSEP
(continuing)
Matthew, sit, please.

MARKINSON sits.

JESSEP
(continuing)
What do you think of Kendrick?

MARKINSON
(beat)
I don't know that --

JESSEP
I think he's kind of a weasel,
myself. But he's an awfully good
officer, and in the end we see eye
to eye on the best way to run a
marine corps unit. We're in the
business of saving lives, Matthew.
That's a responsibility we have to
take pretty seriously. And I
believe that taking a marine who's
not yet up to the job and packing
him off to another assignment, puts
lives in danger.

MARKINSON starts to stand --

JESSEP
(continuing)
Matthew, siddown.
(beat)
We go back a while. We went to the
Academy together, we were
commissioned together, we did our
tours in Vietnam together. But I've
been promoted up through the chain
with greater speed and success than
you have. Now if that's a source of
tension or embarrassment for you,
well, I don't give a shit. We're in
the business of saving lives,
Captain Markinson. Don't ever
question my orders in front of
another officer.

JESSEP grabs his hat and walks out, leaving MARKINSON
sitting all alone, and we

CUT TO:
25.
Genres: ["Drama","Military"]

Summary Colonel Jessup receives a letter from a Marine offering information on an illegal shooting. Jessup and his senior officers discuss how to handle the situation, with Jessup ultimately deciding to train the Marine in question.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and tension between characters, particularly Colonel Jessup's commanding presence."
Weaknesses "The scene is primarily focused on exposition and lacks significant action or movement."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene with clear character motivations and tensions. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue can be a bit on-the-nose at times, such as when Jessep says "We're in the business of saving lives" multiple times. It's better to trust the audience to understand the stakes of the situation without having it stated so explicitly.

Additionally, the action line "The room calms down for a moment" is unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene. It's better to focus on the character dynamics and let the tension build naturally.

Finally, it's unclear what the visual setting of the office looks like. Adding some detail to the setting can help ground the scene and make the action more vivid for the reader.

Overall, this is a strong scene that could benefit from some minor revisions to improve its effectiveness.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more specific descriptions of the characters to help develop their personalities and make them more memorable to the audience. For example, instead of just saying Captain Markinson is a "nice guy," show the audience how he is a kind person and why he is well-liked by his peers. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful, while still conveying the necessary information to move the plot forward. Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual elements, such as using camera angles and shots to add visual interest and make the scene more engaging for the audience.



Scene 8 - Arrival at the Brig
EXT. WASHINGTON NAVY YARD - MAIN GATE - DAY

It's maybe a little hazier today than it was yesterday. An
M.P. is waving a procession of three Military Police sedans
and a fourth unmarked car through the gate. The cars drive
through and we

CUT TO:

EXT. THE BRIG - DAY

Another red-brick building. A few M.P.Is stand out front as
the cars pull up. As soon as they come to a stop, all the
doors swing open and various uniformed and non-uniformed
officers hop out and move to the unmarked sedan where they
escort DAWSON and DOWNEY, in handcuffs, out of the car.
HAROLD DAWSON's a handsome, young, black corporal. Intense,
controlled, and utterly professional.

LOUDEN DOWNEY's a 19-year-old kid off an Iowa farm. He's
happiest when someone is telling him exactly what to do.

DAWSON's his hero.

The two prisoners stand still for a moment. They might as
we'll be in Oz.

DOWNEY
Hal?

DAWSON doesn't say anything.

DOWNEY
(continuing)
Is this Washington, D.C.?

M.P.

Alright, let's move.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Dawson and Downey arrive at the military brig, escorted by various officers.
Strengths "The scene does a good job introducing the characters and setting a serious, tense tone."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can give you some technical feedback on the scene. The scene does a fairly good job of painting a vivid picture of the setting and the characters involved. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. Lack of conflict: The scene lacks major conflict or tension. The characters are being escorted silently out of the car, and there is no verbal exchange between them. Adding some back-and-forth dialogue between the characters could help heighten the tension and make the scene more compelling.

2. Limited description: The scene could benefit from more detailed description of the setting and characters. While it provides some basic details about the characters and their situation, it could be more specific about their physical traits, clothing, and mannerisms.

3. Potential for visual interest: The scene provides some interesting visual potential with the convoy of cars entering the Navy Yard and the characters being escorted out of the car. However, the camera angles and shot descriptions are not included, which leaves the potential for missed opportunities to create a visually engaging scene.

Overall, the scene has potential, but could be improved by adding more conflict and detail, and taking advantage of visual possibilities.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual details and actions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension. For example, describing the vehicles in more detail, or adding reactions from bystanders to the sight of the prisoners being escorted to the brig.

2. Use dialogue to reveal more about the characters and their motivations. For example, why is Dawson so intense and controlled? What made him a hero to Downey? How does Downey feel about being in Washington, D.C.?

3. Consider adding a conflict or obstacle to the scene to make it more dynamic. For example, maybe one of the officers is hostile towards Dawson and tries to provoke him, or maybe Dawson and Downey are confronted by a group of protesters outside the brig.

4. Think about the overall purpose of the scene in the context of the larger story. Does it move the plot forward or reveal important information about the characters? If not, consider cutting or combining it with another scene to streamline the pacing.



Scene 9 - Kaffee's Lack of Experience is Exposed
EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - DAY

and KAFFEE's at it again.

KAFFEE
Alright, let's get tough out there!

JO walks up from behind the backstop.

JO
Excuse me.
26.

KAFFEE
You want to suit up? We need all
the help we can get.

JO
No, thank you, I can't throw and
catch things.

KAFFEE
That's okay, neither can they.

JO
I wanted to talk to you about
Corporal Dawson and Private Downey.

KAFFEE
Say again?

JO
Dawson and Downey.

KAFFEE
(beat)
Those names sound like they should
mean something to me, but I'm just
not --

JO
Dawson! Downey! Your clients!

KAFFEE
The Cuba thing! Yes! Dawson and
Downey.
(beat)
Right.
(pause)
I've done something wrong again,
haven't I?

JO
I was wondering why two guys have
been in a jail cell since this
morning while their lawyer is
outside hitting a ball.

KAFFEE
We need the practice.

JO
That wasn't funny.

KAFFEE
It was a little funny.
27.

JO
Lieutenant, would you feel very
insulted if I recommended to your
supervisor that he assign different
counsel?

KAFFEE
Why?

JO
I don't think you're fit to handle
this defense.

KAFFEE
You don't even know me. Ordinarily
it takes someone hours to discover
I'm not fit to handle a defense.

Jo just stares.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Oh come on, that was damn funny.

Jo moves close to KAFFEE to say this with a degree of
confidentiality.

JO
I do know you. Daniel AlliStair
Kaffee, born June 8th, 1964 at
Boston Mercy Hospital. Your
father's Lionel Kaffee, former Navy
Judge Advocate and Attorney
General, of the United States, died
1985. You went to Harvard Law on a
Navy scholarship, probably because
that's what your father wanted you
to do, and now you're just treading
water for the three years you've
gotta serve in the JAG Corps, just
kinda layin' low til you can get
out and get a real job. And if
that's the situation, that's fine,
I won't tell anyone. But my feeling
is that if this case is handled in
the same fast-food, slick-ass,
Persian Bazaar manner with which
you seem to handle everything else,
something's gonna get missed.
28.

And I wouldn't be doing my job if I
allowed Dawson and Downey to spend
any more time in prison than
absolutely necessary, because their
attorney had pre- determined the
path of least resistance.

KAFFEE can't help but be impressed by that speech.

KAFFEE
Wow.
(beat)
I'm sexually aroused, Commander.

JO
I don't think your clients murdered
anybody.

KAFFEE
What are you basing this on?

JO
There was no intent.

KAFFEE
The doctor's report says that
Santiago died of asphyxiation
brought on by acute lactic
acidosis, and that the nature of
the acidosis strongly suggests
poisoning.
(beat)
Now, I don't know what any of that
means, but it sounds pretty bad.

JO
Santiago died at one a.m. At three
the doctor was unable to determine
the cause of death, but two hours
later he said it was poison.

KAFFEE
Oh, now I see what you're saying.
It had to be Professor Plum in the
library with the candlestick.

JO
I'm gonna speak to your supervisor.

KAFFEE
Okay. You go straight up
Pennsylvania Avenue. It's a big
white house with pillars in front.
29.

JO
Thank you.

KAFFEE
I don't think you'll have much
luck, though. I was assigned by
Division, remember? Somebody over
there thinks I'm a good lawyer. So
while I appreciate your interest
and admire your enthusiasm, I think
I can pretty much handle things
myself.

JO
Do you know what a code red is?

KAFFEE doesn't, but he doesn't say anything.

JO
(continuing)
What a pity.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Jo confronts Kaffee about his lack of experience and warns him to take the case seriously. They discuss Dawson and Downey's case and the evidence found so far. Kaffee tries to make light of the situation, but Jo is not impressed.
Strengths "The scene establishes the tension between Jo and Kaffee, highlighting their different approaches to the case. The dialogue is witty and revealing of the characters' personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and emotional impact. It mainly serves to set up the conflict for later scenes."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well written and engaging. The dialogue is snappy and reveals the personalities of the characters. However, one area that could be improved is the pacing. The scene starts with Kaffee giving a motivational speech, which is interrupted by Jo. The transition between these two moments could be smoother to make the scene flow better. Additionally, the exposition about Kaffee's background could be spread out more evenly throughout the scene, rather than delivered in one long monologue. Finally, the introduction of the concept of a code red feels abrupt and could benefit from more set-up earlier in the scene. Overall, the scene has potential but could be strengthened with tighter pacing and clearer organization of information.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and the dialogue is engaging. However, here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Show the softball game action: While it's great to see KAFFEE in action, it would be even better if we could see snippets of the softball game going on alongside the dialogue exchange. This would make the scene more interesting visually, and also emphasize KAFFEE's nonchalance and lack of seriousness towards his work.

2. Use more descriptive language: The scene could benefit from more descriptions of the setting and characters. For example, what do KAFFEE and JO look like? What's the weather like? Adding more detail can help set the tone and mood of the scene.

3. Use more subtext: While the dialogue between JO and KAFFEE is entertaining, much of the information they're exchanging feels redundant. Instead of stating everything directly, try to hint at things. Show, don't tell. For example, instead of outright saying that KAFFEE's father was a judge advocate general, perhaps JO could make a remark about how KAFFEE's father must have been proud of him for following in his footsteps. This would show us the same information without it feeling like an exposition dump.

By implementing these changes, the scene could become even more engaging and memorable for the audience.



Scene 10 - The Interrogation
INT. THE BRIG - DAY

And an M.P. is leading KAFFEE and SAM down to DAWSON and
DOWNEY's cell.

M.P.

Officer on deck, ten-hut.

DAWSON and DOWNEY come to attention. Through the following,
the M.P. will unlock the call door and let the lawyers in.

DAWSON
Sir, Lance Corporal Harold W.
Dawson, sir. Rifle Security Company
Windward, Second Platoon, Delta.

KAFFEE
Someone hasn't been working and
playing well with others, Harold.

DAWSON
Sir, yes sir!

DOWNEY
Sir, PFC Louden Downey.

KAFFEE
I'm Daniel Kaffee, this is Sam
Weinerg, you can sitdown.
30.

DAWSON and DOWNEY aren't too comfortable sitting in the
presence of officers, but they do as they're told. KAFFEE's
pulled out some documents, SAM's sitting on one of the cots
taking notes.

KAFFEE
(continuing; to DAWSON)
Is this your signature?

DAWSON
Yes sir.

KAFFEE
You don't have to call me sir.
(to DOWNEY)
Is this your signature?

DOWNEY
Sir, yes sir.

KAFFEE
And you certainly don't have to do
it twice in one sentence. Harold,
what's a Code Red?

DAWSON
Sir, a Code Red is a disciplinary
engagement.

KAFFEE
What does that mean, exactly?

DAWSON
Sir, a marine falls out of line,
it's up to the men in his unit to
get him back on track.

KAFFEE
What's a garden variety Code Red?

DAWSON
Sir?

KAFFEE
Harold, you say sir and I turn
around and look for my father.
Danny, Daniel, Kaffee. Garden
variety; typical. What's a basic
Code Red?

DAWSON
Sir, a marine has refused to bathe
on a regular basis. The men in his
squad would give him a G.I. shower.
31.

KAFFEE
What's that?

DAWSON
Scrub brushes, brillo pads, steel
wool...

SAM
Beautiful.

KAFFEE
Was the attack on Santiago a Code
Red?

DAWSON
Yes sir.

KAFFEE
(to DOWNEY)
Do you ever talk?

DAWSON
Sir, Private Downey will answer any
direct questions you ask him.

KAFFEE
Swell. Private Downey, the rag you
stuffed in Santiago's mouth, was
there poison on it?

DOWNEY
No sir.

KAFFEE
Silver polish, turpentine, anti-
freeze...

DOWNEY
No sir. We were gonna shave his
head, sir.

KAFFEE
When all of a sudden...?

DOWNEY
We saw blood drippinq out of his
mouth. Then we pulled the tape off,
and there was blood all down his
face, sir. That's when Corporal
Dawson called the ambulance.

KAFFEE tries not to make too big a deal out of this last
piece of news.
32.

KAFFEE
(to DAWSON)
Did anyone see you call the
ambulance?

DAWSON
No sir.

KAFFEE
Were you there when the ambulance
got there?

DAWSON
Yes sir, that's when we were taken
under arrest.

KAFFEE kinda strolls to the corner of the cell to think for
a moment.

SAM
(to DAWSON)
On the night of August 2nd, did you
fire a shot across the fenceline
into Cuba?

DAWSON
Yes sir.

SAM
Why?

DAWSON
My mirror engaged, sir.

KAFFEE
(to SAM)
His mirror engaged?

SAM
For each American sentry post
there's a Cuban counterpart.
They're called mirrors. The
corporal's claiming that his mirror
was about to fire at him.

KAFFEE
Santiago's letter to the NIS said
you fired illegally. He's saying
that the guy, the mirror, he never
made a move.

DAWSON says nothing.
33.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Oh, Harold?

SAM is staring at DAWSON.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
You see what I'm getting at? If
Santiago didn't have anything on
you, then why did you give him a
Code Red?

DAWSON
Because he broke the chain of
command, sir.

KAFFEE
He what?

DAWSON
He went outside his unit, sir. If
he had a problem, he should've
spoken to me, sir. Then his
Sergeant, then Company Commander,
then --

KAFFEE
Yeah, yeah, alright. Harold, did
you assault Santiago with the
intent of killing him?

DAWSON
No sir.

KAFFEE
What was your intent?

DAWSON
To train him, sir.

KAFFEE
Train him to do what?

DAWSON
Train him to think of his unit
before himself. To respect the
code.

SAM
What's the code?

DAWSON
Unit Corps God Country.
34.

SAM
I beg your pardon?

DAWSON
Unit Corps God Country, sir.

KAFFEE
The Goverrment of the United States
wants to charge you two with
murder. You want me to go to the
prosecutor with unit, corps, god,
country?

DAWSON stares at KAFFEE.

DAWSON
That's our code, sir.

KAFFEE takes a long moment. He picks up his briefcase and he
and SAM move to the door.

KAFFEE
We'll be back. You guys need
anything? Books paper, cigarettes,
a ham sandwich?

DAWSON
Sir. No thank you. Sir.

KAFFEE smiles at DAWSON.

KAFFEE
Harold, I think there's a concept
you better start warming up to.

DAWSON
Sir?

KAFFEE
I'm the only friend you've got.

And as KAFFEE and SAM walk out the open cell door, DAWSON
and DOWNEY come to attention and snap a salute.

They hold the salute until KAFFEE and SAM are well out of
sight, and we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary Kaffee and Sam visit Dawson and Downey in the brig and question them about the illegal shooting of Santiago. Dawson explains the concept of a code red, and Downey denies using poisonous substances on Santiago. Kaffee challenges their defense of unit, corps, god, country as their motive for the attack.
Strengths "Strong character development through dialogue and motive exploration."
Weaknesses "Lack of action and visually dynamic scenes."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and provides important exposition about the characters and the situation they are in. The dialogue is relatively natural and reveals a lot about the characters' personalities and motivations. However, there are a few things that could be improved.

Firstly, the scene lacks action. It is just a conversation in a cell, which can get boring if not handled well. More movement and visual interest would help keep the audience engaged.

Secondly, the scene could benefit from more dynamic and varied shot angles. As it is written, the scene would likely be shot in a single static shot, which again could make it visually dull. Experimenting with different angles and shot sizes would help add visual interest.

Lastly, there could be more subtext in the dialogue. What the characters are saying is mostly on the surface, without much hidden meaning or agenda. Adding subtext would make the scene more interesting and give it more depth.

Overall, while the scene is functional, it could be stronger with a bit more attention to visual and narrative elements.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from some character development to make the audience care more about the main characters. One way to do this could be to add some dialogue that shows their personalities and their relationships with each other.

For example, instead of just focusing on the technical aspects of the case, Kaffee and Sam could have a conversation about their frustrations with the bureaucracy of the military justice system or personal anecdotes that give insight into their characters. This could also add some humor to the scene, making it more engaging for the audience.

Additionally, the scene could be improved by adding some physical action to break up the static setting of the cell. For example, Dawson and Downey could be pacing back and forth nervously or engaging in some other physical activity that shows their anxiety. This would add a sense of urgency and tension to the scene.

Overall, the scene could use more personality and action to make it more dynamic and engaging for the audience.



Scene 11 - Negotiations
INT. KAFFEE'S OFFICE - DAY

He's packing up stuff into his briefcase at the end of the
work day. Lt. JACK ROSS, a marine lawyer maybe two years
older than Kaffee, opens the door and walks in..
35.

ROSS
Dan Kaffee.

KAFFEE
Sailin' Jack Ross.

ROSS
Welcome to the big time.

KAFFEE
You think so?

ROSS
I hope for Dawson and Downey's sake
you practice law better than you
play softball.

KAFFEE
Unfortunately for Dawson and
Downey, I don't do anything better
than I play softball. What are we
lookin' at?

ROSS
They plead guilty to manslaughter,
I'll drop the conspiracy and the
conduct unbecoming. 20 years,
they'll be home in half that time.

KAFFEE
I want twelve.

ROSS
Can't do it.

KAFFEE
They called the ambulance, Jack.

ROSS
I don't care if they called the
Avon Lady, they killed a marine.

KAFFEE
The rag was tested for poison. The
autopsy, lab report, even the
initial E.R. and C.O.D. reports.
They all say the same thing: Maybe,
maybe not.

ROSS
The Chief of Internal Medicine at
the Guantanamo Bay Naval hospital
says he's sure.
36.

KAFFEE
What do you know about Code Reds?

ROSS smiles and shakes his head.

ROSS
Oh man.

He closes the office door.

ROSS
(continuing)
Are we off the record?

KAFFEE
You tell me.

ROSS
(pause)
I'm gonna give you the twelve
years, but before you go getting
yourself into trouble tomorrow, you
should know this: The platoon
commander Lt. Jonathan Kendrick,
had a meeting with the men. And he
specifically told them not to touch
Santiago.

KAFFEE holds for a moment. Dawson and Downey neglected to
mention this... He packs up his briefcase and cleats.

KAFFEE
I'll talk to you when I get back.

ROSS
Hey, we got a little four-on-four
going tomorrow night. When does
your plane get in?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Kaffee and Ross negotiate the plea deal for Dawson and Downey. Kaffee demands a lighter sentence, while Ross tries to convince him to accept the initial offer. Ross reveals new information about the case to Kaffee, who leaves to investigate.
Strengths "The dialogue between Kaffee and Ross is engaging and reveals new information about the case. It sets up future conflict as Kaffee leaves to investigate."
Weaknesses "The scene is primarily focused on negotiations and lacks action, which may be boring for some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this is a well-written and effective scene. The dialogue is sharp and reveals character traits, the plot moves forward, and it sets up tension and conflict for what's to come.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon. For example, the opening action of Kaffee packing up his stuff doesn't add much to the scene and could be cut to save time. Additionally, some of the lines, such as "Sailin' Jack Ross" and "Welcome to the big time," feel a bit too forced and cliche.

That being said, the scene's strengths far outweigh its weaknesses. The conversation between Kaffee and Ross sets up the conflict that will drive the rest of the story, and the revelation about Lt. Kendrick adds a new layer of complexity to the situation. Overall, this scene is a strong start to the film.
Suggestions 1. Add more visual description to the scene to create a clear image in the reader's mind. For example, describe Kaffee's office, his actions as he is packing up, and Ross's appearance and demeanor.

2. Consider adding more background information about the case, the main characters, and the conflict at hand to give context to the conversation.

3. Add more tension and conflict to the scene by having Kaffee and Ross argue or disagree more strongly about the plea deal.

4. Develop the characters more by giving them distinct voices and personalities.

5. Show more of Kaffee's thought process and decision-making as he weighs his options.



Scene 12 - Conversation with Jo
EXT. THE PARKING LOT - DUSK

It's dusk and people on the base are going home from work.
We can see the flag being lowered in the background.

KAFFEE's walking toward his car. JO intercepts him and
starts walking along with him.

JO
Hi there.

KAFFEE
Any luck getting me replaced?
37.

JO
Is there anyone in this command
that you don't either drink or play
softball with?

KAFFEE
Commander --

JO
Listen, I came to make peace. We
started off on the wrong foot. What
do you say? Friends?

KAFFEE
Look, I don't --

JO
By the way, I brought Downey some
comic books he was asking for. The
kid, Kaffee, I swear, he doesn't
know where he is, he doesn't even
know why he's been arrested.

KAFFEE
Commander --

JO
You can call me Joanne.

KAFFEE
Joanne --

JO
or Jo.

KAFFEE
Jo?

JO
Yes.

KAFFEE
Jo, if you ever speak to a client
of mine again without my
permission, I'll have you
disbarred. Friends?

JO
I had authorization.

KAFFEE
From where?
38.

JO
Downey's closest living relative,
Ginny Miller, his aunt on his
mother's side.

KAFFEE
You got authorization from Aunt
Ginny?

JO
I gave her a call like you asked.
Very nice woman, we talked for
about an hour.

KAFFEE
You got authorization from Aunt
Ginny.

JO
Perfectly within my province.

KAFFEE
Does Aunt Ginny have a barn? We can
hold the trial there. I can sew the
costumes, and maybe his Uncle
Goober can be the judge.

Jo steps aside and lets KAFFEE got into his car.

JO
I'm going to Cuba with you
tomorrow.

KAFFEE
And the hits just keep on comin'.

HOLD on KAFFEE and Jo. JO smiles.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK NEWSSTAND - DUSK

KAFFEE IN HIS CAR

He's driving down a Washington street and pulls over at a
sidewalk newsstand.

He gets out of his car, leaving the lights flashing, and
runs up to the newsstand.

As he plunks his 35 cents down and picks up a newspaper, he
engages in his daily ritual with LUTHER, the newsstand
operator.
39.

KAFFEE
How's it goin', Luther?

LUTHER
Another day, another dollar,
captain.

KAFFEE
You gotta play 'em as they lay,
Luther.

LUTHER
What comes around, goes around, you
know what I'm sayin'.

KAFFEE
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

LUTHER
Hey, if you've got your health, you
got everything.

KAFFEE
Love makes the world go round. I'll
see you tomorrow, Luther.

And we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","legal"]

Summary Kaffee and Jo discuss Downey's case, Jo brings up the fact that Kaffee lacks experience, Kaffee questions Dawson and Downey in the brig and challenges their motive, Kaffee negotiates a plea deal with Ross and leaves to investigate new information
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and engaging, giving insight into the personalities of the characters. The scene also moves the plot forward and introduces new information."
Weaknesses "The emotional impact is relatively low, and the scene is relatively short and lacking in action."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene seems well-written and serves its purpose of establishing the relationship between Kaffee and Jo. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue between Kaffee and Jo feels a bit overwritten and overly familiar too quickly. It would be more effective to have their relationship develop more gradually, with a few more tense encounters before they become friendly.

Secondly, the conversation about Aunt Ginny and the barn joke feels a little forced and doesn't add much to the scene. It might be better to cut that part and focus on the more important aspects of their conversation.

Lastly, the interaction between Kaffee and Luther feels a bit cliché and could be made more unique to these characters. Giving them more specific personal details or inside jokes could help make their relationship feel more interesting and memorable.

Overall, the scene is solid but could benefit from some tweaks to make it more engaging and memorable.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more conflict: While there is some tension between Kaffee and Jo, there isn't much at stake in this conversation. Consider adding more obstacles for Kaffee to overcome or a ticking clock to create urgency.

2. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Jo tell Kaffee about her conversation with Aunt Ginny, show the audience through a flashback or a phone call. This will add more depth to the scene and give the audience a better understanding of Aunt Ginny's involvement.

3. Develop character relationships: While Jo and Kaffee's relationship is explored in this scene, it could benefit from more development. Consider adding moments that highlight their differences or similarities to create a more nuanced dynamic.

4. Clarify Kaffee's goals: While Kaffee asks Jo about getting replaced, it's unclear why he wants this. Clarifying Kaffee's motivations and goals will add more depth to the scene and make it more impactful.



Scene 13 - Negotiating a Plea
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A baby sleeping in a crib pull rack to reveal SAM is
standing over the crib. KAFFEE's sitting on a beer.

SAM
When Nancy gets back, you're my
witness. The baby spoke. My
daughter said a word.

KAFFEE
Your daughter made a sound, Sam,
I'm not sure it was a word.

SAM
Oh come on, it was a word.

KAFFEE
Okay.

SAM
You heard her. The girl sat here,
pointed, and said "Pa". She did.
She said "Pa".
40.

KAFFEE
She was pointing at a doorknob.

SAM
That's right. Pointing, as if to
say, "Pa, look, a doorknob".

SAM joins KAFFEE in the living room.

KAFFEE
Jack Ross came to see me today. He
offered me twelve years.

SAM
That's what you wanted.

KAFFEE
I know, and I'll... I guess, I mean
--
(beat)
I'll take it.

SAM
So?

KAFFEE
It took albout 45 seconds. He
barely put up a fight.

SAM
(beat)
Danny, take the twelve years, it's
a gift.

KAFFEE finishes off his beer, and stands.

KAFFEE
You don't believe their story, do
you? You think they ought to go to
jail for the rest of their lives.

SAM
I believe every word they said. And
I think they ought to go to jail
for the rest of their lives.

KAFFEE nods and puts down the empty beer bottle.

KAFFEE
I'll see you tomorrow.

Sam opens the front door for him and they stand out on the
stoop for a moment.
41.

SAM
Remember to wear your whites, it's
hot down there.

KAFFEE
I don't like the whites.

SAM
Nobody likes the whites, but we're
going to Cuba in August. You got
Dramamine?

KAFFEE
Dramamine keeps you cool?

SAM
Dramamine keeps you from throwing
up, you get sick when you fly.

KAFFEE
I get sick when I fly because I'm
afraid of crashing into a large
mountain, I don't think
Dramamine'll help.

SAM
I've got some oregano, I hear that
works pretty good.

KAFFEE
Yeah, right.

KAFFEE starts toward his car, then turns around.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
You know, Ross said the strangest
thing to me right before I left. He
said the platoon commander
Lieutenant Jonathan Kendrick had a
meeting with the men and
specifically told them not to touch
Santiago.

SAM
So?

KAFFEE
I never mentioned Kendrick. I don't
even know who he is.
(beat)
What the hell.
(beat)
I'll see you tomorrow.
42.

We hold for a moment on KAFFEE as he walks to his car, then

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","legal"]

Summary Kaffee negotiates a plea deal for Dawson and Downey with Ross, and then talks with Sam about the deal, his lack of belief in their story, and new information about the case involving Lieutenant Kendrick.
Strengths "The scene reveals new information about the case and builds conflict between characters."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks visual interest and action."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene is well-written with clear dialogue and action. The characters are well-established and their relationship is believable. However, there is room for improvement in terms of pacing and visuals. The dialogue-heavy scene could benefit from more visual cues to create a more dynamic atmosphere. The scene could also be condensed to maintain better momentum and keep the audience engaged. Overall, the scene demonstrates strong character development and clear objectives for the characters, but could benefit from more creative visuals and pacing techniques.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual description: The scene is primarily focused on dialogue between Sam and Kaffee, but there is not much description of their surroundings or actions. Adding in more visual details can help bring the scene to life and make it more engaging for readers.

2. Make the dialogue more impactful: While the conversation between Sam and Kaffee is important, the dialogue itself could be stronger. Consider adding in more tension or conflict, or having them reveal more about their true feelings and motivations.

3. Cut unnecessary lines: There are several lines in the scene that don't add much to the story or character development, and could be cut to make the scene more concise and impactful.

4. Add in more conflict or stakes: The scene is relatively low-stakes compared to other moments in the script. Consider adding in more tension or conflict to make the scene more engaging, and to keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 14 - Arriving at Guantanamo Bay
EXT. THE AIRSTRIP AT GUANTANAMO BAY - DAY

The whole place, in stark contrast to the Washington Navy
Yard, is ready to go to war. Fighter jets line the tarmac.
Ground crews re-fuel planes. Hurried activity.

A 36 seat Airforce Jet rolls to a stop on the tarmac and a
stair unit is brought up.

HOWARD, a marine corporal, is waiting by the stairway as the
passengers begin to got off. Mostly MARINES, a few SAILORS,
a couple of CIVILIANS, and KAFFEE, JO and SAM. KAFFEE and
SAM are wearing their summer whites, JO is in khakis.

KAFFEE and SAM stare out at what they see: They're not in
Kansas anymore.

HOWARD shouts over the noise from the planes.

HOWARD
Lieutenants Kaffee and Weinberg?

KAFFEE
(shouting)
Yeah.

JO
Commander Galloway.

HOWARD
I'm Corporal Howard, ma'am, I'm to
escort you to the Windward side of
the base.

JO
Thank you.

HOWARD
I've got some camouflage jackets in
the back of the jeep, sirs, I'll
have to ask you both to put them
on.

KAFFEE
Camouflage jackets?

HOWARD
Regulations, sir. We'll be riding
pretty close to the fenceline.
43.

The Cubans see an officer wearing
white, they think it's someone they
might wanna take a shot at.

KAFFEE turns and glares at SAM.

KAFFEE
Good call, Sam.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Military"]

Summary Kaffee, Sam, and Jo arrive at Guantanamo Bay, where they are greeted by a marine corporal who takes them to a waiting plane. They are then given camouflage jackets to wear for protection.
Strengths
  • Sets the tense environment at Guantanamo Bay
  • Shows Kaffee's lack of experience with military regulations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene reads well and serves its purpose in setting up the location and atmosphere of Guantanamo Bay. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose in places, particularly with the line "They're not in Kansas anymore." It's a well-known reference and doesn't add much to the scene besides stating the obvious. Finding a more subtle and unique way to convey this information could strengthen the dialogue.

Additionally, some of the actions could be described in more detail to enhance the visual appeal of the scene. For example, instead of simply stating that fighter jets line the tarmac, the writer could describe their size, color, and any other distinguishing features. This would help create a more vivid image for the reader and, ultimately, the viewer.

Lastly, there could be more tension in the scene. While the camouflage jackets add an element of danger, there could be more conflict between the characters or a sense of urgency in getting to their destination. Adding more conflict or stakes could make the scene more engaging and push the story forward.

Overall, the scene is solid but could benefit from some tweaks to enhance the dialogue and visuals and add more tension.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Describe the loud roar of the fighter jets and the smell of jet fuel in the air. Use vivid language to paint a picture of the chaos and energy of the airfield.

2. Develop the characters of Kaffee, Jo, and Sam further in this scene. What are their reactions to the military activity around them? Do they seem nervous or excited? Are they in awe of the fighter jets? These little details will help the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level and make the scene more engaging.

3. Consider adding a bit more backstory or exposition to provide context for the scene. Why are Kaffee, Jo, and Sam at Guantanamo Bay? What is their mission there? This information will help the audience understand the stakes of the scene and why it matters.

4. Look for opportunities to use visuals to help tell the story. For example, instead of having Howard simply explain why they need to wear camouflage jackets, show a shot of a Cuban soldier watching the base from a nearby hill, looking through binoculars at the American officers in their white uniforms. This will help the audience understand the danger they're in and why the jackets are necessary.

By incorporating these improvements, the scene can become more engaging and compelling for the audience, helping to hold their attention and build tension as the story unfolds.



Scene 15 - 
EXT. CUBAN ROAD - THE JEEP - DAY

Tearing along down the road, and now we see a beautiful
expanse of water, maybe 1000 yards across. It's a section of
Guantanamo Bay.

HOWARD
(shouting)
We'll just hop on the ferry and be
over there in no time.

KAFFEE
(shouting)
Whoa! Hold it! We gotta take a
boat?!

HOWARD
Yes sir, to get to the other side
of the bay.

KAFFEE
Nobody said anything about a boat.

HOWARD
(shouting)
Is there a problem, sir?

KAFFEE
(shouting)
No. No problem. I'm just not that
crazy about boats, that's all.

JO
(shouting)
Jesus Christ, Kaffee, you're in the
Navy for cryin' out loud!

KAFFEE
(shouting)
Nobody likes her very much.
44.

HOWARD
(shouting)
Yes sir.

The jeep drives on and we

CUT TO:

JESSEP, MARKINSON and KENDRICK are standing as the LAWYERS
are led in.

JESSEP
Nathan Jessep, come on in and
siddown.

KAFFEE
Thank you. I'm Daniel Kaffee, I'm
the attorney for Dawson and Downey.
This is Joanne Galloway, she's
observing and evaluating --

JO
(shaking hands)
Colonel.

JESSEP
Pleased to meet you, Commander.

KAFFEE
Sam Weinberg. He has no
responsibility here whatsoever.

JESSEP
I've asked Captain Markinson and
Lt. Kendrick to join us.

MARKINSON
Lt. Kaffee, I had the pleasure of
seeing your father once. I was a
teenager and he spoke at my high
school.

KAFFEE smiles and nods.

JESSEP
Lionel Kaffee?

KAFFEE
Yes sir.
45.

JESSEP
Well what do you know. Son, this
man's dad once made a lot of
enemies down in your neck of the
woods. Jefferson vs. Madison County
School District. The folks down
there said a little black girl
couldn't go to an all white school,
Lionel Kaffee said we'll just see
about that. How the hell is your
dad?

KAFFEE
He passed away seven years ago,
colonel.

JESSEP
(pause)
Well... don't I feel like the
fuckin, asshole.

KAFFEE
Not at all, sir.

JESSEP
Well, what can we do for you,
Danny.

KAFFEE
Not much at all, sir, I'm afraid.
This is really a formality more
than anything else. The JAG Corps
insists that I interview all the
relevant witnesses.

JO
The JAG Corps can be demanding that
way.

JESSEP smiles.

JESSEP
Jonanthan'll take you out and show
you what you wanna see, then we can
all hook up for lunch, how does
that sound?

KAFFEE
Fine, sir.

CUT TO:
46.

EXT. THE FENCELINE - DAY

A SQUAD OF MARINES jogs by as a jeep carrying KENDRICK and
the three LAWYERS cruises down the road.

We FOLLOW the jeep.

KAFFEE
I understand you had a meeting with
your men that afternoon.

KENDRICK
Yes.

KAFFEE
What'd you guys talk about?

KENDRICK
I told the men that there was an
informer among us. And that despite
any desire they might have to seek
retribution, Private Santiago was
not to be harmed in any way.

KAFFEE
What time was that meeting?

KENDRICK
Sixteen-hundred.

KAFFEE turns around and looks at SAM.

SAM
(leaning forward)
Four o'clock.

CUT TO:

INT. THE BARRACKS CORRIDOR - DAY

KENDRICK leads the LAWYERS down the corridor to Santiago's
room.

Two strips of tape which warn DO NOT ENTER - AT ORDER OF THE
MILITARY POLICE are crisscrossed over the closed door. They
open the door and step under the tape and walk into
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique the room where Santiago was staying.

Overall, the scene is well-written and effective at moving the story forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. The dialogue could be more concise. The shouting between the characters makes it difficult to follow the conversation, and the dialogue could benefit from more precise and efficient communication.

2. The scene transition could be smoother. The abrupt cut from the jeep driving to the lawyers being led in with Jessep, Markinson, and Kendrick lacks a clear transition, which can be jarring for the audience.

3. The descriptions of the setting and action could be more vivid. The scene is set in Guantanamo Bay, which could be an interesting and unique setting, but it is only briefly described. The action could also benefit from more detailed and immersive descriptions, which would help to engage the audience.

Overall, the scene is well-written, but could be tightened and made more vivid for better engagement.
Suggestions the room, where they find Santiago's belongings neatly arranged on his bunk.

I would suggest adding some description to the characters' actions and emotions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging. For example, instead of just having KAFFEE shout his lines, you could have him grip onto the seat as the jeep speeds along the road, indicating his nervousness about taking a boat. You could also add more physical descriptions of the characters, such as their facial expressions and body language, to help convey their emotions and reactions to the events taking place. Additionally, you could consider adding more conflicts or tensions to the scene to make it more impactful and memorable for the audience. For example, maybe KAFFEE and JESSEP have a heated exchange about the case or JESSEP makes a veiled threat towards the lawyers. These added elements would help make the scene more dramatic and keep the audience engaged in the story.



Scene 16 - Investigating Santiago's Room
INT. SANTIAGO'S ROOM - DAY

The room is exactly an it was left that night. The un-made
bed, the chair knocked over... The LAWYERS look around for a
moment. The room is sparse.
47.

Kaffee goes to the closet and opens it: A row of uniforms
hanging neatly. He thumbs through then for a second, but
there's nothing there.

He opens the footlocker: Socks, underwear... all folded to
marine corp precision... A shaving kit, a couple of
photographs, a pad of writing paper and some envelopes...

Kaffee closes the footlocker.

KAFFEE
Sam, somebody should see about
getting this stuff to his parents.
We don't need it anymore.

KENDRICK
Actually, the uniforms belong to
the marine corps.

The LAWYERS take a moment.

KAFFEE
Lt. Kendrick -- can I call you Jon?

KENDRICK
No, you may not.

KAFFEE
(beat)
Have I done something to offend
you?

KENDRICK
No, I like all you Navy boys. Every
time we've gotta go someplace and
fight, you fellas always give us a
ride.

JO
Lt. Kendrick, do you think Santiago
was murdered?

KENDRICK
Commander, I believe in God, and in
his son Jesus Christ, and because I
do, I can say this: Private
Santiago is dead and that's a
tragedy. But he's dead because he
had no code. He's dead because he
had no honor. And God was watching.

SAM turns to KAFFEE.
48.

SAM
How do you feel about that theory?

KAFFEE
(beat)
Sounds good. Let's move on.

SAM and KENDRICK walk out the door. JO stops KAFFEE.

JO
You planning on doing any
investigating or are you just gonna
take the guided tour?

KAFFEE
(beat)
I'm pacing myself.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Legal Drama"]

Summary Kaffee and Jo investigate Santiago's room at Guantanamo Bay. Kaffee looks through Santiago's belongings while Jo questions Lieutenant Kendrick's beliefs on Santiago's death.
Strengths
  • Good character development through conversation
  • Introduces conflict between Jo and Kaffee
Weaknesses
  • Little emotional impact
  • Not much progression in the plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene effectively sets up the room as a key location for the investigation and also establishes important character dynamics between the Navy lawyers and Lt. Kendrick. However, there are a few areas for critique.

Firstly, the description of the room could be more vivid and descriptive to better immerse the reader in the setting. Secondly, the dialogue between Kaffee and Kendrick feels somewhat stilted and forced, particularly when Kaffee tries to call Kendrick "Jon."

Additionally, the transition to Jo's comment about investigating feels abrupt and could benefit from more seamless integration with the preceding dialogue.

Overall, these critiques are relatively minor and the scene is generally effective in moving the plot forward and establishing key components of the story.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene could benefit from more tension and conflict between the characters. Consider adding more verbal sparring between Kaffee and Kendrick, or adding more emotion or frustration from Jo.

2. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Kendrick give a lengthy speech about Santiago's lack of honor and code, consider showing evidence of this through flashbacks or conversations with other characters who knew Santiago.

3. Develop the characters: Flesh out the characters more so that the audience can connect with them and understand their motivations. Show their flaws, their strengths, and their backstories.

4. Add a plot twist: To keep the audience engaged, consider adding a plot twist or surprise that complicates the situation. For example, perhaps someone else comes forward with information about Santiago's death that challenges what the characters think they know.

5. Consider the pacing: While it's fine to have slower scenes that focus on character development or exposition, make sure the scene is still moving the story forward and not getting bogged down in too much detail. Consider trimming down some of the dialogue or making the scene shorter.



Scene 17 - Code Red Investigation
INT. THE OFFICERS CLUB - DAY

JESSEP, MARKINSON, KENDRICK and the LAWYERS are seated at a
table in the corner.

Stewards clear the lunch dishes and pour coffee. Jessep is
finishing a story.

JESSEP
...And they spent the next three
hours running around, looking for
Americans to surrender to.

JESSEP laughs. KENDRICK joins him. SAM and KAFFEE force a
laugh.

MARKINSON forces a smile. JO remains silent.

JESSEP
(continuing; to the
STEWARDS)
That was delicious, men, thank you.

STEWARD
Our pleasure, sir.

KAFFEE
Colonel just need to ask you a
couple of questions about August
6th.

JESSEP
Shoot.
49.

KAFFEE
On the morning of the sixth, you
were contacted by an NIS angent who
said that Santiago had tipped him
off to an illegal fenceline
shooting.

JESSEP
Yes.

KAFFEE
Santiago was gonna reveal the
person's name in exchange for a
transfer. An I getting this right?

JESSEP
Yes.

KAFFEE
If you feel there are any details
that I'm missing, you should free
to speak up.

JESSEP's not quite sure what to say to this Navy Lawyer
Lieutenant-Smartass guy who just gave him permission to
speak freely on his own base.

JESSEP
Thank you.

KAFFEE
Now it was at this point that you
called Captain Markinson and Lt.
Kendrick into your office?

JESSEP
Yes.

KAFFEE
And what happened then?

JESSEP
We agreed that for his own safety,
Santiago should be transferred off
the base.

Here's something else KAFFEE didn't know. Neither did Jo.
SAM jots something down on a small notepad.

MARKINSON doesn't flinch.

KAFFEE
Santiago was set to be transferred?
50.

JESSEP
On the first available flight to
the states. Six the next morning.
Three hours too late as it turned
out.

KAFFEE nods.

KAFFEE
Yeah.

There's silence for a moment.

KAFFEE takes a sip of his coffee. Then drains the cup and
puts it down.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Alright, that's all I have. Thanks
very much for your time.

KENDRICK
The corporal's got the jeep
outside, he'll take you back to the
airstrip.

KAFFEE
(standing)
Thank you.

JO
Wait a minute, I've got some
questions.

KAFFEE
No you don't.

JO
Yes I do.

KAFFEE
No you don't.

JO
Colonel, on the morning that
Santiago died, did you meet with
Doctor Stone between three and
five?

KAFFEE
Jo --
51.

JESSEP
Of course I met with the doctor.
One of my men was dead.

KAFFEE
(to JO)
See? The man was dead. Let's go.

JO
(to JESSEP)
I was wondering if you've ever
heard the term Code Red.

KAFFEE
Jo --

JESSEP
I've heard the term, yes.

JO
Colonel, this past February, you
received a cautionary memo from the
Naval Investigative Service,
warning that the practice of
enlisted men disciplining their own
wasn't to be condoned by officers.

JESSEP
I submit to you that whoever wrote
that memo has never served on the
working end of a Soviet-made Cuban
Ml-Al6 Assault Rifle. However, the
directive having come from the NIS,
I gave it its due attention. What's
your point, Jo?

KAFFEE
She has no point. She often has no
point. It's part of her charm.
We're outta here. Thank you.

JO
My point is that I think code reds
still go on down here. Do Code Reds
still happen on this base, colonel?

KAFFEE
Jo, the colonel doesn't need to
answer that.

JO
Yes he does.
52.

KAFFEE
No, he really doesn't.

JO
Yeah, he really does. Colonel?

JESSEP
You know it just hit me. She
outranks you, Danny.

KAFFEE
Yes sir.

JESSEP
I want to tell you something Danny
and listen up 'cause I mean this:
You're the luckiest man in the
world. There is, believe me
gentlemen, nothing sexier on earth
than a woman you have to salute in
the morning. Promote 'em all I say.

JO's not upset. JO's not mad. But she's gonna ask her
question 'til she gets an answer.

JO
Colonel, the practice of code Reds
is still condoned by officers on
this base, isn't it?

JESSEP
You see my problem is, of course,
that I'm a Colonel. I'll just have
to keep taking cold showers 'til
they elect some gal President.

JO
I need an answer to my question,
sir.

JESSEP
Take caution in your tone,
Commander. I'm a fair guy, but this
fuckin' heat's making me absolutely
crazy. You want to know about code
reds? On the record I tell you that
I discourage the practice in
accordance with the NIS directive.
Off the record I tell you that it's
an invaluable part of close
infantry training, and if it
happens to go on without my
knowledge, so be it. I run my base
how I run my base.
53.

You want to investigate me, roll
the dice and take your chances. I
eat breakfast yards away from 4000
Cubans who are trained to kill me.
So don't for one second think
you're gonna come down here, flash
a badge, and make me nervous.

A moment of tense silence before --

KAFFEE
Let's go. Colonel, I'll just need a
copy of Santiago's transfer order.

JESSEP
What's that?

KAFFEE
Santiago's transfer order. You guys
have paper work on that kind of
thing, I just need it for the file.

JESSEP
For the file.

KAFFEE
Yeah.

JESSEP
(pause)
Of course you can have a copy of
the transfer order. For the file.
I'm here to help anyway I can.

KAFFEE
Thank you.

JESSEP
You believe that, don't you? Danny?
That I'm here to help anyway I can?

KAFFEE
Of course.

JESSEP
The corporal'll run you by
Ordinance on your way out to the
airstrip. You can have all the
transfer orders you want.

KAFFEE
(to JO and SAM)
Let's go.
54.

The LAWYERS start to leave.

JESSEP
But you have to ask me nicely.

KAFFEE stops. Turns around. Sam and JO stop and turn.

KAFFEE
I beg your pardon?

JESSEP
You have to ask me nicely. You see,
Danny, I can deal with the bullets
and the bombs and the blood. I can
deal with the heat and the stress
and the fear. I don't want money
and I don't want medals. What I
want is for you to stand there in
that faggoty white uniform, and
with your Harvard mouth, extend me
some fuckin' courtesy. You gotta
ask me nicely.

KAFFEE and JESSEP are frozen. Everyone'staring at Kaffee;
The OFFICERS at their tables... KENDRICK... SAM...
MARKINSON... JO... KAFFEE makes his decision.

KAFFEE
Colonel Jessep... if it's not too
much trouble, I'd like a copy of
the transfer order. Sir.

JESSEP smiles.

JESSEP
No problem.

HOLD for a moment. JO's very disappointed.

JESSEP stands there and watches the LAWYERS as they turn and
leave the Officer's Club.

JESSEP
(continuing)
I hate casualties, Matthew. There
are casualties even in victory. A
marine smothers a grenade and saves
his platoon, that marine's a hero.
The foundation of the unit, the
fabric of this base, the spirit of
the Corps, they are things worth
fighting for.

MARKINSON looks at the ground.
55.

JESSEP
(continuing)
Dawson and Downey, they don't know
it, but they're smothering a
grenade.

MARKINSON looks up as we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Military"]

Summary Kaffee, Jo, and Sam question Jessep and the officers about Santiago's death and the practice of code reds. Jessep is defensive and implies that code reds still happen on the base.
Strengths "Intense dialogue, character development, strong conflict"
Weaknesses "Slow pacing, lack of action"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in advancing the plot, revealing character motivations, and building tension. However, there are a few minor issues with the dialogue that could be improved.

Firstly, some of the dialogue could be more concise and to the point. For example, when Kaffee asks Jessep if Santiago was set to be transferred, Jessep says "six the next morning, three hours too late as it turned out." This could be shortened to simply "yes, but he was transferred too late."

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit unnatural or overly dramatic. For example, Jessep's line about "taking cold showers" feels like a forced attempt at humor, while Kaffee's sarcastic comment about Jo's lack of a point feels out of place in a serious conversation.

Finally, while the tension and conflict between Jessep and the lawyers is effective, it might benefit the scene to give Jo and the other lawyers a bit more agency and dialogue. Right now, they mostly serve to ask questions and confirm information, but giving them more of a voice and active role in the conversation could make the scene more engaging.

Overall, though, this scene effectively builds tension and reveals important information about the plot and characters involved.
Suggestions To improve this scene, there are a few things that could be done. First, the dialogue could be tightened and made more impactful. Instead of letting Jessep finish his story before getting to the important information about Santiago, Kaffee could interrupt him and get right to the point. This would create more tension and urgency in the scene and keep the audience more engaged.

Secondly, there could be more physical action or blocking to make the scene more interesting visually. Instead of just having the characters sitting at a table, perhaps they could be walking around the room or gesturing during the conversation to keep the scene visually engaging.

Lastly, there could be more emotion injected into the scene. The characters seem to be going through the motions and not truly invested in the conversation. Adding more emotional weight to the scene would give the audience more reason to care about what is happening and build tension.



Scene 18 - The Code Red is Revealed
EXT. ANDREWS AIRFORCE BASE - DUSK

As a plane touches down on the runway. It's dusk in
Washington and

CUT TO:

EXT. KAFFEE'S APARTMENT - DAY

A little one-bedroom. Just the essential furniture, barely
even that.

KAFFEE's sitting and watching a baseball came on t.v. He's
holding a copy of The Baseball Encyclopedia, normally his
favorite reading material, but right now he's having trouble
keeping his mind in it. He's holding a baseball bat and
fiddling with it.

The remnants of a pizza and Yoo-Hoo dinner sit next to him.
His white uniform in a pile in the corner. There's a BUZZ at
the door. KAFFEE's not expecting anyone. He goes to the
door.

KAFFEE
Who is it?

JO (O.S.)
It's me.

KAFFEE opens the door and JO walks in.

KAFFEE
I've really missed you, Jo. I was
just saying to myself, "It's been
almost three hours since I last saw
--

"

JO
Markinson resigned his commission.
56.

KAFFEE
(pause)
When?

JO
This afternoon. Sometime after we
left.

KAFFEE
I'll talk to him in the morning.

JO
I already tried, I can't find him.

KAFFEE
You tried? Joanne, you're coming
dangerously close to the textbook
definition of interfering with a
government investigation.

JO hands KAFFEE the file she's been holding.

JO
I'm Louden Downey's attorney.

KAFFEE's stunned. He opens the file and begins to read.

JO
(continuing)
Aunt Ginny. She said she feels like
she's known me for years. I
suggested that she might feel more
comfortable if I were directly
involved with the case. She had
Louden sign the papers about an
hour ago.

KAFFEE looks up. Still too stunned to say anything. Then
finally...

KAFFEE
I suppose it's way too much to hope
that you're just making this up to
bother me.

JO
Don't worry, I'm not gonna make a
motion for separation, you're still
lead counsel.

KAFFEE hands her back the file.

KAFFEE
Splendid.
57.

JO
I think Kendrick ordered the Code
Red.
(beat)
So do you.

CUT TO:

INT. A HOLDING ROOM IN THE BRIG - NIGHT

DAWSON and DOWNEY come to attention as KAFFEE and JO are led
in.

DAWSON
Officer on deck, ten hut.

KAFFEE starts in immediately.

KAFFEE
Did Kendrick order the code red?

DAWSON
Sir?

KAFFEE
Don't say sir like I just asked you
if you cleaned the latrine. You
heard what I said. Did Lt. Kendrick
order you guys to give Santiago a
code red?

DAWSON
Yes sir.

KAFFEE
(to Downey)
Did he?

DOWNEY
Yes sir.

KAFFEE
You mind telling me why the hell
you never mentioned this before?

DAWSON
You didn't ask us, sir.

KAFFEE
Cutie-pie shit's not gonna win you
a place in my heart, corporal, I
get paid no matter how much time
you spend in jail.
58.

DAWSON
Yes sir. I know you do, sir.

KAFFEE
Fuck you, Harold.

There's some understandable tension in the room, broken by --

JO
Alright. Let's sort this out. There
was a platoon meeting on August 6th
at four in the afternoon. And Lt.
Kendrick, he gave strict
instructions that nothing was to
happen to Santiago. Now is that
true? I want you to speak freely.

DAWSON
Ma'am, that's correct. But then he
dismissed the platoon and we all
went to our rooms.

JO
And what happened then?

DAWSON
Lt. Kendrick came to our room,
ma'am.

KAFFEE
When?

DAWSON
About five minutes after the
meeting broke, sir. About 16:20.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
And what happened then?

DAWSON
Lt. Kendrick ordered us to give
Santiago a Code Red.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Kaffee and Jo learn that Markinson has resigned and Jo is now Louden Downey's attorney. They then confront Dawson and Downey about the Code Red order, which they both confirm.
Strengths "Tense and dramatic dialogue, well-developed characters"
Weaknesses "Limited setting, some weak moments in dialogue"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-crafted with good dialogue and pacing. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

First, there is no real visual description of the characters or surroundings, which can make the scene feel less immersive. Adding some physical details, such as the expressions or actions of the characters, or the specific layout of the apartment or holding room, could help the audience better picture the scene in their minds.

Second, the transition between the Andrews Airforce Base landing and Kaffee's apartment is abrupt and could use a smoother transition. Perhaps showing a shot of Kaffee watching the plane land on the television set before switching to the apartment scene would help tie them together thematically.

Otherwise, the screenplay effectively sets up the tension of the investigation and raises the stakes for Kaffee and Jo as they realize there is more to the case than they initially thought. The confrontation between Kaffee and the soldiers is well-executed, with strong dialogue that reveals key plot information while also effectively conveying character dynamics and motivations. Overall, a well-written scene that leaves the audience on the edge of their seats.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written as it moves the story forward and sets up the conflict. Here are a few suggestions to potentially improve it:

1. Consider adding a brief establishing shot of the outside of Kaffee's apartment before cutting to him watching TV. This will give the audience a better sense of the location and help ground them in the scene.

2. Show more of Kaffee's reaction to the news that Jo is now Louden Downey's attorney. This is a significant development and could potentially lead to more conflicts for Kaffee as the lead counsel.

3. In the holding room scene, consider adding more physical actions for the characters to break up the dialogue. For example, Dawson and Downey could be sitting or standing at attention, or Kaffee could be pacing or fidgeting with something.

4. Instead of having Jo recount the details of the platoon meeting and Kendrick's orders, consider showing a brief flashback or having the characters act out the scene. This will help make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the audience.

5. Consider having Kaffee show more emotion when he learns that Kendrick ordered the code red. This is a critical moment in the story and should have a significant impact on Kaffee's character.



Scene 19 - The Negotiation
INT. THE GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

ROSS is playing a game of full-court basketball with some
other OFFICERS.

A door at the far end of the court opens and KAFFEE and JO
walk in. They head down the sideline toward Ross.
59.

KAFFEE shouts --

KAFFEE
Jack!

But ROSS is into the game...

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Jack!!

ROSS
(waving him off)
Hang on...

KAFFEE
They were given an order.

ROSS stops cold and looks over at Kaffee. The game flies by
him. He motions to the locker room door in the corner of the
gym and the three of them make their way to privacy.

JO
How long have you known about the
order?

ROSS
I didn't --
(to KAFFEE)
Who is this?

KAFFEE
This is Jo Galloway she's Downey's
lawyer. She's very pleased to meet
you.

ROSS
What exactly are you accusing me
of, commander?

JO
I'm accusing you of --

They're in the

LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

and KAFFEE slams the door shut behind them.
60.

KAFFEE
Jack didn't know about the order.
Because if he did and he hadn't
told us, Jack knows he'd be
violating about 14 articles of the
code of ethics. As it is, he's got
enough to worry about. God forbid
our clients decide to plead not
guilty and testify for the record
that they were given an order.

ROSS
Kendrick specifically told the men
not to touch Santiago.

KAFFEE
That's right. And then he went into
Dawson and Downey's room and
specifically told them to give him
a code red.

ROSS
That's not what Kendrick said.

KAFFEE
Kendrick's lying.

ROSS
You have proof?

KAFFEE
I have the defendants.

ROSS
And I have 23 marines who aren't
accused of murder and a lieutenant
with four letters of commendation.

KAFFEE
Why did Markinson resign his
commission?

ROSS
We'll never know.

KAFFEE
You don't think I can subpoena
Markinson.

ROSS
You can try, but you won't find
him. You know what Markinson did
for the first 17 of his 21 years in
the corps? Counter Intelligence.
61.

Markinson's gone. There is no
Markinson.

Some of the wind has been taken Out of Kaffee's sails.

ROSS
(continuing)
Jessep's star is on the rise.
Division'll give me a lot of room
to spare Jessep and the corps any
embarrassment.

KAFFEE
How much room?

ROSS
I'll knock it all down to assault.
Two years. They're home in six
months.

JO
No deal, we're going to a jury.

KAFFEE
Jo --

ROSS
No you're not.

JO
Why not?

ROSS
'Cause you'll lose, and Danny knows
it. And he knows that if we go to
court, I'll have to go all the way,
they'll be charged with the whole
truckload. Murder, Conspiracy,
Conduct Unbecoming, and even though
he's got me by the balls out here,
Dan knows that in a courtroom, he
loses this case. Danny's an awfully
talented lawyer, and he's not about
to send his clients go to jail for
life when he knows they could be
home in six months.

This is now clear: Ross is as good as Kaffee.

ROSS
(continuing)
That's the end of this negotiation.
62.

From this moment, we're on the
record. I'll see tomorrow morning
at the arraignment.

ROSS turns and heads back to the gym as we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["legal drama","military"]

Summary Kaffee and Jo confront Ross about the Code Red order. Ross denies knowing about the order and tries to negotiate a plea deal. Kaffee and Jo refuse and Ross warns them they will lose in court.
Strengths
  • Tense and dramatic dialogue
  • Interesting plot revelations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action or visual interest

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene from "A Few Good Men" is well-written and effectively builds tension. The dialogue is strong and the characters each have distinct voices and personalities that come through.

One potential critique could be that the scene is a bit too expository, with the characters explaining the details of the case and their motivations rather than showing them through action. However, this is necessary in a legal drama to ensure that the audience understands what is happening and why it matters.

Another critique could be that Kaffee and Ross's confrontation feels a bit contrived, with both characters seeming to be evenly matched in terms of intelligence and strategy. However, this is also necessary to create a sense of drama and to make Kaffee and Jo's victory feel hard-won rather than inevitable.

Overall, this scene effectively advances the plot and amps up the tension, setting up the rest of the film to come.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Add more visual description: While the dialogue is important, it's also crucial to paint a picture of the setting and the characters' body language and actions. This can make the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.

2. Build tension: The scene is relatively straightforward, but adding more tension can make it more gripping. For example, Kaffee and Ross could have a more confrontational exchange, and the officers playing basketball could start to get annoyed with Ross for interrupting their game.

3. Show, don't tell: When Ross says, "That's not what Kendrick said," Kaffee could question him more and try to get him to admit that Kendrick lied. This would make the audience feel like they're uncovering the truth alongside the characters, rather than just being told what happened.

4. Develop the characters: While the scene is primarily focused on Kaffee and Ross, Jo could also be given more of a personality. For example, she could challenge Ross more directly and show more of her legal expertise.

5. Use subtext: The characters could be saying one thing out loud, but there could be underlying tensions and motives that aren't explicitly stated. For example, Ross could be trying to protect Jessep more than he's letting on, and Kaffee could be desperately trying to uncover the truth to prove himself as a lawyer. Adding layers of subtext can make the scene more nuanced and interesting.



Scene 20 - The Plea Offer
INT. A HOLDING ROOM - NIGHT

Kaffee and JO are sitting at a table. Dawson and Downey are
at parade rest. Kaffee lights a cigarette.

KAFFEE
Here's the story: The Goverment's
offering Assault and Conduct
Unbecoming. Two years. You'll be
home in six months.

DAWSON and DOWNEY say nothing.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
"Wow, Kaffee, you're the greatest
lawyer in the world. How can we
ever thank you?" Fellas, you hear
what I just said, you're going home
in six months.

DAWSON
I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.

KAFFEE
Do what?

DAWSON
Make a deal, sir.

KAFFEE
What are you talking about?

DAWSON
We did nothing wrong, sir. We did
our job. If that has consequences,
then I accept them. But'I won't say
I'm guilty, sir.

KAFFEE can't believe this. He looks over at JO.

KAFFEE
Did you --
(to DAWSON and DOWNEY)
Did she put you up to this?
63.

JO
No.

DAWSON
We have a code, sir.

KAFFEE
Well zippity-doo-dah. You and your
code plead not guilty and you'll be
in jail for the rest of your life.
Do what I'm telling you and you'll
be home in six months.

DAWSON just stares at him.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
Do it, Harold. Six months. It's
nothing. It's a hockey season.

DAWSON
Permission to --

KAFFEE
Speak!

DAWSON
What do we do then, sir?

KAFFEE
When?

DAWSON
After six months. We'd be
dishonorably discharged, right sir?

KAFFEE
Yes.

DAWSON
What do we do then, sir? We joined
the corps 'cause we wanted to live
our lives by a certain code. And we
found it in the corps. And now
you're asking us to sign a piece of
paper that says we have no honor.
You're asking us to say we're not
marines. If a judge and jury decide
that what we did was wrong, I'll
accept whatever punishment they
give. But I believe I was riqht,
sir. I believe I did my job.
64.

And I won't dishonor myself, my
unit, or the Corps, so that I can
qo home in six months.
(beat)
Sir.

HOLD ON the four of them for a moment, then

KAFFEE
Commander, I want to talk to
corporal Dawson alone for a minute.

Jo waits Just a moment before she calls out --

JO
(to Downey)
Let's go in another room. Louden,
everything's gonna be alright.

The M.P. has shown up and unlocked the cell door.

JO
(continuing; to M.P.)
We're gonna go into a holding room.

M.P.

Aye, aye, ma'am.

JO, DOWNEY, and the M.P. are gone. KAFFEE paces a moment
before he says --

KAFFEE
You don't like me that much, do
you?
(beat)
Forget it, don't answer that, it
doesn't matter.

KAFFEE paces another moment, then sits on the cot. He's
trying to choose his tack carefully.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
You know, Downey worships you. He's
gonna do whatever you do. Are you
really gonna let this happen to him
because of a code? Harold?

DAWSON
Do you think we were right?

KAFFEE
It doesn't matter what I --
65.

DAWSON
Do you think we were right?

KAFFEE gets up.

KAFFEE
(beat)
I think you'd lose.

DAWSON
(beat)
You're such a coward, I can't
believe they let you wear a
uniform.

KAFFEE stares at DAWSON.

KAFFEE
I'm not gonna feel responsible for
this, Harold. I did everything I
could. You're going to Levenworth
for the better part of your life,
and you know what? I don't give a
shit.

KAFFEE calls out --

KAFFEE
(continuing)

M.P.!

KAFFEE and DAWSON are staring each other down. The M.P.
shows up and unlocks the cell door. KAFFEE steps out to
leave.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
What happened to saluting an
officer when he leaves the room?

DAWSON holds on KAFFEE. Then DAWSON, a man who would rather
die than breach military protocol, takes his hands and puts
them in his pockets.

The cell door closes and we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary Kaffee offers a plea deal to Dawson and Downey in exchange for a lighter sentence but they refuse, believing they did nothing wrong. Kaffee tries to persuade Dawson, but ultimately they part ways with animosity.
Strengths "Well-crafted dialogue that reveals character motivations and conflicts."
Weaknesses "Lack of action or visual interest."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-structured and effectively conveys the conflict between Kaffee and the defendants, Dawson and Downey. The dialogue is sharp and realistic, revealing the characters' motivations and beliefs. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved:

1. Lack of description: The scene lacks description beyond basic stage directions, leaving a lot to the reader's imagination. Adding more detail about the setting, lighting, and character movements could amplify the emotional impact of the scene.

2. Repetition: Kaffee repeats himself when trying to persuade the defendants to take a deal, which can make the dialogue feel stagnant. Using different language or tactics could add more nuance to the scene.

3. Lack of subtext: While the dialogue is strong, there is little subtext. The characters' motivations and emotions are on the surface, which can make the scene feel one-dimensional. Adding more subtext, such as hidden desires or secrets, could make the scene more dynamic.

4. No physical action: The scene is mostly static, with characters sitting at a table and talking. Adding physical action, such as movement or a fight, would make the scene more engaging.

5. Predictability: The audience can predict Dawson's refusal to take the deal, which can make the scene feel cliched. Adding a surprising twist or shifting the power dynamic could elevate the scene.

Overall, while this scene effectively conveys its conflict and dialogue, adding more detail, subtext, and physical action could make it more impactful and dynamic.
Suggestions The following are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Show more emotion and tension between the characters: The current scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension. The characters are simply stating their positions without any real conflict. To improve this, show more emotion and tension between the characters. For example, you could show Kaffee becoming increasingly frustrated as Dawson and Downey refuse to take the plea deal. You could also show Dawson and Downey becoming more defensive and agitated as Kaffee pressures them.

2. Use more dynamic camera angles: The current scene is shot with very static camera angles, which adds to the lack of tension. To improve this, use more dynamic camera angles to create a sense of movement and energy. For example, you could use a handheld camera to follow Kaffee as he paces back and forth, or a low angle shot to show Dawson looming over Kaffee as he confronts him.

3. Clarify the stakes: The scene needs to make it clear why Dawson and Downey are so unwilling to take the plea deal. To improve this, clarify the stakes of the trial. For example, you could show Kaffee explaining to Dawson and Downey that if they don't take the plea deal, they could be facing life in prison.

4. Show how the characters are feeling: The current scene doesn't give much insight into how the characters are feeling about the situation. To improve this, show more close-ups of their faces to convey their emotions. For example, you could show close-ups of Kaffee's frustrated expression as he realizes he can't convince Dawson and Downey to take the plea deal, or close-ups of Dawson and Downey showing their resolve to stick to their code.

5. Tighten the dialogue: The current scene is a bit wordy and repetitive. To improve this, try to tighten the dialogue and make it more concise. For example, you could cut out some of Kaffee's repetitive lines about how Dawson and Downey will be home in six months if they take the plea deal. Keep the dialogue focused on the conflict between the characters and their motivations.



Scene 21 - The Confrontation
INT. THE OFFICE CORRIDOR - NIGHT

One light is on at the end of the hall.

CUT TO:
66.

SAM has joined KAFFEE and JO. The mood is somber.

KAFFEE
Dawson's gonna go to jail just to
spite me. Fine. If he wants to jump
off a cliff, that's his business.
I'm not gonna hold his hand on the
way down.
(to SAM)
I want to get him a new lawyer. How
do I do it?

SAM
You just make a motion tomorrow
morning at the arraignment. The
judge'll ask you if you want to
enter a plea. You tell him you want
new counsel assigned.

KAFFEE
(beat)
Then that's that.

JO
(beat)
Yeah. One thing, though. When you
ask the judge for new counsel,
Danny, be sure and ask nicely.

KAFFEE
What do you want from me?

JO
I want you to let 'em be judged! I
want you to stand up and make an
argument!

SAM
An argument that didn't work for
Calley at My Lai, an argument that
didn't work for the Nazis at
Nuremberg.

KAFFEE
For Christ sake, Sam, do you really
think that's the same as two
teenage marines executing a routine
order that they never believed
would result in harm? These guys
aren't the Nazis.

There's a pause in the room.
67.

JO
Don't look now, Danny, but you're
making an argument.

KAFFEE
(pause)
Yeah.
(beat)
Tomorrow morning I'll get them a
new attorney.

JO
Why are you so afraid to be a
lawyer? Were daddy's expectations
really that high?

KAFFEE
Please, spare me the psycho-babble
father bullshit. Dawson and
Downey'll have their day in court,
but they'll have it with another
lawyer.

JO
Another lawyer won't be good
enough. They need you. You know how
to win.
(beat)
You know they have a case. And you
know how to win. You walk away from
this now, and you have sealed their
fate.

KAFFEE
Their fate was sealed the moment
Santiago died.

JO
Do you believe they have a defense?

KAFFEE
You and Dawson both live in the
same dreamland. It doesn't matter
what I believe, it only matters
what I can prove. So please don't
tell me what I know and don't know.
I know the law.

JO looks at him, shakes her head, and turns to walk away.
She turns back.

JO
You know nothing about the law.
You're a used car salesman, Daniel.
68.

You're an ambulance chaser with a
rank. You're nothing.
(beat)
Live with that.

Jo walks off leaving KAFFEE alone. We HOLD on KAFFEE. He's
not having a good night.

CUT TO:

INT. A GEORGETOWN BAR - NIGHT

KAFFEE sits at the bar. The place is crowded with YUPPIES
and STUDENTS. KAFFEE's been drinking there a while now. Next
to him is a YUPPIE LAWYER, regaling his FRIENDS with the
story of his latest brilliant maneuver in the world of high
stakes corporate law.

We HOLD on a KAFFEE a moment longer, then

YUPPIE LAWYER
...So I told duncan if we leverage
the acquisition of Biotech, the
interrogatories would be there on
demand. All I have to do is not
pick up the phone and it'll run
Flaherty ten thousand a day in
court costs.

CUT TO:

EXT. A GEORGETOWN STREET - NIGHT

KAFFEE sits on a bench in the night. He takes a sip from a
bottle he's holding in a brown paper bag.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE PARADE GROUNDS - DAY

A bright, sunny morning. The BAND is performing for a group
of day campers.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Kaffee contemplates switching lawyers for Dawson and Downey, Jo urges him to fight for their case and reveals her belief in their innocence.
Strengths "Powerful dialogue that draws out the tension and emotion of the scene, well-defined characters that push the plot forward."
Weaknesses "Some cliches used in the dialogue, occasional lapses into overacting."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, this scene is well-written and captures the emotional turmoil of the characters. The dialogue is realistic and the pacing of the scene keeps the audience engaged. However, there could be more visual elements to enhance the scene. Some suggested improvements are:

- Add more descriptions of the characters' physical movements and reactions.
- Use different camera angles to show the characters' perspectives and emotions.
- Add more sensory details, such as the sound of footsteps in the corridor or the smell of alcohol in the bar.

Overall, the scene effectively captures the tension between the characters and sets up the conflict for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description of the physical setting. Right now, it's just "One light is on at the end of the hall." This could be a missed opportunity to establish the mood or tone of the scene.

2. Consider shortening some of the dialogue. There are some moments where characters repeat themselves or there's unnecessary exposition. For example, when Sam explains how to get a new lawyer, it could be simplified to just "Just make a motion tomorrow morning at the arraignment."

3. Try to make the dialogue more natural and less expository. For example, when Jo says "Don't look now, Danny, but you're making an argument," it feels like an obvious setup for Kaffee's realization.

4. Think about pacing and tension. Right now, the scene feels a little flat. Consider building up to Kaffee's realization more, or adding more conflict between the characters.

5. Lastly, consider adding more visual elements to the scene. Right now, it's mostly just characters talking. Adding some action or visual cues can make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the audience.



Scene 22 - The Plea
INT. THE COURTROOM - DAY

DAWSON and DOWNEY are at the defense table, ROSS is his
place. KAFFEE walks in and joins JO and SAM at their table.
Papers are being passed back and forth between ROSS and the
SERGEANT AT AMS. Quiet activity.
69.

The door in the back of the courtroom opens and RANDOLPH, a
marine colonel, enters and takes his place at the bench. We
can HEAR the band in the background.

SERGEANT AT ARMS
All rise.

Everyone present in the courtroom stands.

RANDOLPH
Where are we?

SERGEANT AT ARMS
Docket number 411275. VR-5. United
States versus Lance Corporal Harold
W. Dawson and Private First Class
Loudon Downey. Defendants are
charged with Conspiracy to Commit
Murder, Murder in the First Degree,
and Conduct Unbecoming a United
States Marine.

RANDOLPH
Does defense wish to enter a plea?

KAFFEE stands.

KAFFEE
Yeah.
(pause)
They're not guilty.

JO, SAM, ROSS, RANDOLPH... it's hard to say who's the most
surprised. It takes everything Jo's got to suppress a smile.
The silence is broken by ROSS, who takes the two files,
drops them into his briefcase, closes the lid, and snaps it
shut.

RANDOLPH looks at KAFFEE and ROSS, then turns to the
SERGEANT AT ARMS.

RANDOLPH
Enter a plea of not guilty for the
defendants. We'll adjourn until ten-
hundred, three weeks from today, at
which time this Court will
reconvene as a General Court-
Martial.

He raps the gavel.

RANDOLPH walks out. ROSS walks up the aisle without a word
to anyone. The M.P.'s come to escort DAWSON and DOWNEY back
to their cell.
70.

KAFFEE and JO and SAM are the only ones remaining. SAM is
looking at KAFFEE with question marks in his eyes.

KAFFEE
Why does a junior grade with six
months experience and a track
record for plea bargaining get
assigned a murder case?
(beat)
Would it be so that it never sees
the inside of a courtroom?

KAFFEE picks up his briefcase and begins heading toward the
door.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
We'll work out of my apartment.
Every night, seven o'clock. Jo,
before you come over tonight, pick
up a carton of legal pads, a half-
dozen boxes of red pens, a half-
dozen boxes of black pens. Sam get
a couple of desk lamps. I need you
to start on a preliminary medical
profile and Jo, we need all the
fitness reports on Dawson, Downey
and Santiago. The only thing I have
to eat is Yoo-Hoo and SugarSnacks,
so if you want anything else, bring
it with you. Okay?

Jo's still stunned.

JO
Yeah.

KAFFEE's at the door, stops, turns around, and takes it all
in for a moment.

KAFFEE
So this is what a courtroom looks
like.

He walks out the door, and we

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Legal Drama"]

Summary Kaffee and his team enter a plea of not guilty for Dawson and Downey in a military court for charges of murder and conspiracy. Kaffee questions why he, a junior grade lawyer, was assigned the case, and assigns tasks for his team to prepare their defense.
Strengths "The scene emphasizes the seriousness of the legal battle and sets up the start of the defense's work. The dialogue highlights the tension between Kaffee and Ross and sets up a potential arc of Kaffee's growth as a lawyer. The scene also establishes the character dynamics between Kaffee, Jo, and Sam."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot developments and may seem slow-paced to some viewers. The emotional impact is minimal."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene lays out the basic plot of the film and introduces the key characters, their situation, and their attitudes. However, as a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene for being too straightforward and lacking in tension or conflict. The dialogue is functional but not particularly memorable or revelatory, and the action consists mainly of characters entering and leaving the courtroom. While this may be necessary exposition, it could benefit from a more dynamic presentation, such as using visual cues or character reactions to heighten the stakes and generate suspense. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific details that help to establish the tone and mood of the film, such as the decor of the courtroom or the expression on each character's face. Finally, the dialogue could be improved by incorporating more subtext and nuance, revealing the characters' true motivations and desires rather than simply stating the facts of the case. Overall, this scene could be more engaging and compelling if it were reworked with a greater emphasis on emotional conflict and visual storytelling.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension: Right now, the scene is lacking in tension. It's a straightforward courtroom scene without any surprises or conflicts. Consider adding some unexpected plot twists or character motivations to keep the audience on their toes.

2. Show, don't tell: Right now, the scene is very focused on dialogue and not enough on visual storytelling. Consider adding more action, facial expressions, and body language to help convey the characters' emotions and reactions.

3. Clarify character motivations: It's unclear why Kaffee is taking charge of this case and why he's so invested in defending the defendants. Adding more background information on his character and his motivations can help make the scene more compelling and believable.

4. Streamline the dialogue: There's a lot of back and forth between characters in this scene, which can slow down the pace and make it feel repetitive. Consider cutting down the dialogue to focus on the most important and impactful lines.

5. Use visual elements: Consider using visual elements like close-ups and reaction shots to emphasize key moments and add more emotion to the scene.



Scene 23 - Preparing the Defense
INT. KAFFEE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Among the stuff, is a blackboard that's been hung on the
wall. Written across the top are three headings:
71.

INTENT CODE RED THE ORDER

Sam is on the floor, sorting papers into piles. KAFFEE comes
in from the kitchen with a fresh bottle of Yoo-Hoo and joins
Sam on the floor.

KAFFEE
Were you able to speak to your
friend at NIS?

SAM
She said if Markinson doesn't want
to be found, we're not gonna find
him. She said I could be Markinson
and you wouldn't know it.

KAFFEE
Are you Markinson?

SAM
No.

KAFFEE
Well, I'm not Markinson, that's two
down.

SAM doesn't laugh.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
What.

SAM
(pause)
I was wondering, now that Joanne's
working on this... I was wondering
if you still need me.

KAFFEE
(pause)
They were following an order, Sam.

SAM
An illegal order.

KAFFEE
You think Dawson and Downey know it
was an illegal order?

SAM
It doesn't matter if they know, any
decent human being would've refused
to --
72.

KAFFEE
They're not permitted to question
orders.

SAM
Then what's the secret? What are
the magic words? I give orders
every day, and nobody follows them.

KAFFEE
We have softball games and marching
bands. They work at a place where
you have to wear camouflage or you
might get shot.

Sam looks away. He doesn't buy it.

KAFFEE
(continuing; pause)
I need you. You're better at
research than I am and you know how
to prepare a witness.

Jo lets herself in. She's carrying a huge stack of papers
under one arm, and a large brown paper bag under the other.
But we stay with KAFFEE and Sam a moment longer.

JO
I've got medical reports and
Chinese food. I say we eat first.

KAFFEE's still looking at SAM. SAM nods his head.

SAM
Did you get any dumplings?

CUT TO:

INT. KAFFEE'S APT. - LATER - NIGHT

The remnants of the Chinese food is spread around. SAM and
JO are sitting and taking notes from KAFFEE. As he speaks,
he'll pace slowly around, carrying his baseball bat. He
refers to the blackboard.

KAFFEE
This is our defense. Intent: No one
can prove there was poison on the
raq. Code Red: They're common and
accepted in Guantanamo Bay. The
Order:
(he writes) A) Kendrick
gave it. B) They had no
choice but to follow it.
73.

(beat)
That's it.

SAM
What about motive?

KAFFEE
We're a little weak on motive. They
had one.

JO
Just because a person has a motive
doesn't mean --

KAFFEE
Relax. We'll deal with the
fenceline shooting when it comes
up. For now we start here --
(pointing to INTENT)
I don't know what made Santiago
die, I don't want to know. I just
want to be able to show it could've
been something other than poison.
Jo, talk to doctors. Find out
everything there is to know about
lactic acidosis. Let's start
prepping for Stone.

JO
As long as we're on the subject of
the doctor --

KAFFEE
Here we go.

JO
Listen to me, three o'clock he
doesn't know what killed Santiago,
then he meets with Jessep, and at
five o'clock he says it was poison?
The doctor's covering up the truth.

KAFFEE
Oh, that's a relief. I was afraid I
wouldn't be able to use the "Liar,
Liar, Pants on Fire" defense. We
can't prove coercion!! Alright,
fitness reports and biographical
information.

SAM
Cartons 3 and 4.
74.

KAFFEE looks at the cartons and the mind-numbing amount of
paper.

KAFFEE
No Cliff-Notes on these things?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KAFFEE'S APARTMENT -

SERIES OF SCENES

The scenes cover the three weeks of preparation leading up
to the trial, and are interspersed with shots of Kaffee's
apartment getting messier, KAFFEE, JO and SAM flipping
through documents and reference books, writing on the
blackboard, dozzing off...

We start with
Genres: ["legal drama"]

Summary Kaffee and his team prepare their defense for Dawson and Downey's murder trial, focusing on proving lack of intent, the commonality of Code Red, and following orders.
Strengths "The scene effectively shows the team working hard to prepare their defense, building anticipation for the trial."
Weaknesses "The dialogue feels a bit stilted, and there are no significant plot developments in this scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique some background information on the scene's setting. The scene takes place in Kaffee's apartment, and there is a blackboard on the wall with three headings: Intent, Code Red, and The Order. The characters in the scene are Kaffee, Sam, and Jo, who are preparing for a trial.

The dialogue is engaging and moves the plot forward. The characters reveal information about the case, and their dialogue is natural and believable. Kaffee and Sam's conversation about the difficulty of finding Markinson is amusing and lightens the tension in the scene.

However, the scene lacks any significant action, visuals, or structure. It reads more like a sequence of events rather than a scene with a clear structure. The scene is mainly dialogue-driven, with the characters sitting and discussing plans for the trial. As a result, the scene becomes repetitive and could benefit from some visual elements to break up the monotony.

Overall, the scene has engaging dialogue and moves the plot forward, but it lacks structure, visuals, and significant action.
Suggestions minor adjustments to the formatting of the scene:

INT. KAFFEE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A blackboard is hung on the wall with three headings: INTENT, CODE RED, and THE ORDER. Sam is on the floor sorting papers, and Kaffee joins him with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo.

KAFFEE
Were you able to speak to your
friend at NIS?

SAM
She said if Markinson doesn't want
to be found, we're not gonna find
him. She said I could be Markinson
and you wouldn't know it.

KAFFEE
Are you Markinson?

SAM
No.

KAFFEE
Well, I'm not Markinson, that's two
down.

Sam doesn't react.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
What.

SAM
(pause)
I was wondering, now that Joanne's
working on this... I was wondering
if you still need me.

Kaffee pauses before answering.

KAFFEE
They were following an order, Sam.

SAM doesn't react.

KAFFEE
(continuing)
An illegal order.

SAM
You think Dawson and Downey know it
was an illegal order?

KAFFEE
It doesn't matter if they know, any
decent human being would've refused
to --

SAM
They're not permitted to question
orders.

KAFFEE
Then what's the secret? What are
the magic words? I give orders
every day, and nobody follows them.

Sam looks away.

KAFFEE
(continuing; pause)
I need you. You're better at
research than I am and you know how
to prepare a witness.

Jo enters, carrying papers and food.

JO
I've got medical reports and
Chinese food. I say we eat first.

They all dig into the food before getting back to work.



Now, as for suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider breaking up the dialogue with more action or description. This will give the scene more visual interest and keep the audience engaged.

- Create more tension in the scene. Right now, it feels like a casual conversation between friends. But this is an important moment in the story as Sam questions his role in the case. There should be some conflict or friction between the characters to make this moment more impactful.

- Think about ways to visually convey the passage of time as they prepare for the trial. Showing the mess in Kaffee's apartment getting worse is a good start, but there could be more ways to show the audience how much work is going into this case.

- Continue to use the blackboard as a visual aid throughout the scene. This will help the audience keep track of the various elements of the case and give them a sense of progress.



Scene 24 - Preparation for the Defense
INT. KAFFEE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jo's on the phone, KAFFEE and SAM are going over testimony,
with SAM sitting in a mock witness chair. During this,
KAFFEE will go to the door, pay the PIZZA Man for the pizza,
and return without missing a single beat.

JO
(into phone)
Captain Hill, this is Lt. Commander
Galloway, I'm an internal affairs
officer with the JAG Corps in
Washington, D.C. I'm trying to
track down a Captain Matthew Andrew
Markinson, USMC...

KAFFEE
Doctor, other than the rope marks,
was there any other sign of
external damage?

SAM
No.

KAFFEE
No scrapes?

SAM
No.

KAFFEE
No cuts?
75.

JO
(into phone)
He resigned his commission a week
ago Thursday.

KAFFEE
Bruises? Broken bones?

SAM
No.

JO
(into phone)
No, please don't put me on hold --

KAFFEE
Doctor, was there any sign of
violence?

SAM
(beat)
You mean other than the dead body?

KAFFEE
Fuck!! I walk into that every
goddam time!

SAM
Don't ask the last question.

CUT TO:

INT. A LAW LIBRARY - NIGHT

MOS -- JO pulls two thick volumes off a shelf and takes them
to the table where SAM and KAFFEE are working. She plops the
books down where they join a pile of about two-dozen just
like them and we

CUT TO:

INT. A COFFEE SHOP - DAY

The LAWYERS have their books and papers spread out in front
of them.

KAFFEE
Lt. Kendrick, the type of
disciplinary action, or "training''
as you say --

JO
Object.
76.

KAFFEE
Please the Court, I main