Witness

Executive Summary

Logline: A Philadelphia police officer, forced to go into hiding with an Amish woman and her son after witnessing a murder, must confront his own biases and adapt to a completely foreign way of life to protect them from corrupt colleagues. See other logline suggestoins

Pass/Consider/Recommend/Highly Recommend

Claude: Consider
Gemini: Recommend
GPT4: Recommend

Engine: Claude

Consider

Explanation: The screenplay for 'Witness' is a well-crafted drama that explores the themes of cultural clashes, personal growth, and the complexities of morality. The story follows a Philadelphia police officer, John Book, who is forced to go into hiding with an Amish woman, Rachel, and her young son, Samuel, after witnessing a murder involving corrupt police officers. The screenplay effectively balances action, suspense, and character development, as Book navigates the unfamiliar Amish way of life and is forced to confront his own preconceptions. While the screenplay has several strengths, such as the compelling character arcs and the authentic portrayal of Amish culture, it also has areas that could be improved, such as the pacing in certain sections and the need for more consistent thematic development. Overall, the screenplay is a strong contender that would likely appeal to a wide audience interested in character-driven dramas with elements of thriller and social commentary.

Engine: GPT4

Recommend

Explanation: The screenplay 'Witness' is a compelling blend of drama and thriller, set against the unique backdrop of the Amish community. It excels in character development, narrative strength, and thematic consistency. However, it could benefit from tighter pacing in certain areas and a more resolved ending.

See Full Analysis

Overview

Genres: Drama, Thriller, Crime, Romance, Mystery, Action, Family

Setting: 1850s-1980s, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and Philadelphia

Overview: The screenplay 'Witness' earns a strong score of 7.85, reflecting its captivating premise, well-developed central characters, and effective exploration of contrasting worlds. The screenplay's strengths lie in its ability to portray the cultural clash between John Book's urban cynicism and the Amish community's peaceful resilience, creating a compelling narrative that resonates emotionally. However, opportunities exist to further deepen supporting characters' emotional arcs and enhance the narrative's unpredictability.

Themes: The tension between tradition and modernity, The importance of family and community, The power of forgiveness

Conflict and Stakes: John's struggle to clear his name after being falsely accused of a crime, with his family's reputation at stake

Overall Mood: The overall mood of the film is one of suspense and tension.

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

Scene 7: The scene where John Book is discovered hiding in the Lapp farmhouse is suspenseful and tense.

Scene 19: The scene where Samuel points a gun at Rachel is shocking and tense.

Scene 35: The scene where John Book confronts Schaeffer is climactic and intense.

Standout Features:

Unique Hook: The clash between the Amish and English cultures provides a unique setting and source of conflict.

Plot Twist : The revelation that John Book is a fugitive police detective adds a layer of suspense and intrigue.

Cultural Exploration : The film explores the Amish way of life and the challenges of living in a close-knit community.

Comparable Scripts:

Witness

The Amish Murder

Amish Grace

The Gift

The Village

The Kettering Incident

Signs

The Leftovers

Station Eleven

Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$20-30 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, fans of drama and legal thrillers

Marketability: It has a strong central conflict, well-developed characters, and the potential to appeal to a wide audience.

The unique blend of genres and themes could make it stand out from other films in the marketplace.

Even with the potential for strong acting and a unique setting, the screenplay may not appeal to all audiences equally.

Profit Potential: High, due to strong appeal to a wide adult audience and potential for award nominations

Scene Level Percentiles

The screenplay excels in emotional impact and conflict creation, but areas for improvement include dialogue quality and pacing. The writer's integrated style suggests potential for compelling character-driven storytelling.

Script Level Percentiles

**The method of calculating these has just changed**
Characters: 7.5 See More
Premise: 8.3 See More
Structure: 7.9 See More
Theme: 8.5 See More
Visual Impact: 7.3 See More
Emotional Impact: 7.8 See More
Conflict: 7.3 See More
Originality: 7.8 See More

Emotions Elicited Percentiles

Robert McKee: "The audience doesn’t go to the movies to see plot; they go to feel emotion, to be moved."
This is a rough estimate of how the average intensity of emotions elicited in this script compare to all scripts in the Vault (all genres).
Higher isn't necessarily better. This is FYI.

Key Strengths

Emotional Impact (81st percentile): The screenplay evokes strong emotional responses, indicating impactful storytelling.
Conflict Level (69th percentile): Effective use of tension and obstacles that drive the narrative forward.

Areas for Improvement

Dialogue (22nd percentile): Consider enhancing the quality of dialogue to make characters more engaging and realistic.
Pacing (13th percentile): The screenplay may benefit from adjusting its pacing to enhance the flow and tension of the story.

Writer Style

The writer demonstrates strengths in emotional depth and conflict creation, suggesting potential for character-driven and emotionally resonant storytelling.

Balancing Elements

Balancing Dialogue and Plot: Focus on improving dialogue quality while maintaining the strength in plot structure and conflict.
Emotional Impact and Stakes: Explore ways to heighten the stakes and amplify the emotional impact of the story.

Intuition Level

Integrated: The balanced percentile scores across concept, plot, character, and dialogue suggest an integrated writing style.

Overall Assessment

The screenplay shows promise with its emotional resonance and compelling conflict. Refinements in dialogue and pacing could elevate the overall impact and engage audiences more effectively.

How this was done: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.

How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.

Title	Grade	Percentile	Before	After
Script Theme	8.50	74	V for Vendetta: 8.40	face/off: 8.50
Scene Conflict Level	8.1	73	Ex-Machina: 8.0	fight Club: 8.1
Scene Emotional Impact	8.2	67	Green Book: 8.1	Terminator 2: 8.2
Scene High Stakes	7.9	64	Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: 7.8	Spy kids: 7.9
Script Premise	8.30	61	The shining: 8.20	Her: 8.30
Script Structure	7.90	54	Dune Part Two: 7.80	Black mirror 304: 7.90
Scene External Goal	7.25	53	Conclave: 7.24	severance (TV): 7.25
Scene Character Changes	7.1	52	Triangle of sadness: 7.0	Knives Out: 7.1
Scene Story Forward	8.1	49	Solaris: 8.0	Erin Brokovich: 8.1
Script Structure	8.12	46	Moonlight: 8.11	Good Will Hunting: 8.12
Script Emotional Impact	7.80	45	Inside Out: 7.70	Erin Brokovich: 7.80
Script Conflict	7.30	43	Ex-Machina: 7.20	Rick and Morty: 7.30
Scene Plot	7.9	41	Manchester by the sea: 7.8	the 5th element: 7.9
Scene Unpredictability	7.32	35	Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: 7.31	Easy A: 7.32
Scene Characters	8.2	35	September 5: 8.1	face/off: 8.2
Scene Internal Goal	8.02	33	Argo: 8.00	the pursuit of happyness: 8.02
Scene Engagement	8.90	32	Triangle of sadness: 8.89	El Mariachi: 8.90
Script Originality	7.80	32	Sing Sing: 7.70	face/off: 7.80
Scene Formatting	8.06	27	12 years a slave: 8.05	Casablanca: 8.06
Overall Script	7.85	26	Triangle of sadness: 7.83	Barbie: 7.85
Script Visual Impact	7.30	24	September 5: 7.20	The Good place release: 7.30
Scene Pacing	8.13	22	American Fiction: 8.12	severance (TV): 8.13
Scene Originality	8.38	21	September 5: 8.35	Witness: 8.38
Scene Dialogue	7.4	18	Inside Out: 7.3	face/off: 7.4
Scene Overall	8.1	14	Swingers: 8.0	Erin Brokovich: 8.1
Scene Concept	7.8	14	Swingers: 7.7	Erin Brokovich: 7.8
Script Characters	7.50	13	A Complete Unknown: 7.40	John wick: 7.50

Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice in this screenplay is characterized by a blend of evocative descriptions, detailed characterizations, and a focus on emotional depth. The narrative direction is poetic and reflective, creating a somber and introspective tone.

Best representation: Scene 14 - Deadly Ambush in the Underground. Scene 14 is the best representation of the writer's voice because it combines all the key elements that define their unique style. The detailed description of the setting, the nuanced character interactions, and the exploration of moral dilemmas are all present in this scene. It also serves as a turning point in the story, as Rachel begins to question her beliefs and her relationship with John Book.

Memorable Lines:

Book: I'm a police officer. I'm going to have to talk to the boy. (Scene 5)
Book: My old friend and mentor, Paul Schaeffer, is dirty, stinking fucking dirty. (Scene 15)
John Book: You're making a mistake. (Scene 33)
Rachel: You have no right to keep us here. (Scene 7)
Rachel: You'd better go. (Scene 24)

Writing Style:

The screenplay exhibits a blend of distinct writing styles, with a focus on creating tension, suspense, and emotional depth through character-driven narratives. The dialogue is sharp and often thought-provoking, with an emphasis on authenticity and realistic interactions.

Style Similarities:

David Mamet
Quentin Tarantino
M. Night Shyamalan
Christopher Nolan
Kelly Reichardt

Other Similarities: The screenplay also draws inspiration from Terrence Malick's poetic and philosophical style, Peter Weir's exploration of cultural clashes and visual storytelling, and Cormac McCarthy's focus on rural settings and internal conflicts.

Story Shape

Emotions Elicited

Suspense

Empathy

Fear

Surprise

Joy

Sadness

Engine: Claude

Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'Witness' is a well-crafted drama that explores the themes of cultural clashes, personal growth, and the complexities of morality. The story follows a Philadelphia police officer, John Book, who is forced to go into hiding with an Amish woman, Rachel, and her young son, Samuel, after witnessing a murder involving corrupt police officers. The screenplay effectively balances action, suspense, and character development, as Book navigates the unfamiliar Amish way of life and is forced to confront his own preconceptions. While the screenplay has several strengths, such as the compelling character arcs and the authentic portrayal of Amish culture, it also has areas that could be improved, such as the pacing in certain sections and the need for more consistent thematic development. Overall, the screenplay is a strong contender that would likely appeal to a wide audience interested in character-driven dramas with elements of thriller and social commentary.

Strengths

The opening sequence and the funeral scene effectively establish the Amish setting and introduce the key characters, Rachel and her son Samuel, as well as the central conflict surrounding the death of Rachel's husband, Jacob. high ( Scene 6 (9) )
The scenes depicting the Lapp family's journey from their Amish community to the city of Baltimore, and the subsequent culture shock experienced by Samuel, are well-executed and help to highlight the stark contrast between the two worlds. medium ( Scene 12 (14) Scene 13 (17) )
The scenes in the Philadelphia train station, where Samuel witnesses a murder and Book's subsequent investigation, are well-paced and effectively ratchet up the tension and suspense. high ( Scene 20 (25) Scene 21 (30) )
The scenes depicting Book's integration into the Amish community and his gradual acceptance of their way of life are well-written, highlighting the character's personal growth and the nuanced exploration of cultural differences. high ( Scene 28 (93B-93C) Scene 29 (93D-93H) )
The climactic confrontation between Book, Schaeffer, and the Amish community is a well-executed, suspenseful sequence that brings the various narrative threads together in a compelling and satisfying manner. high ( Scene 41 (190-194) )

Areas of Improvement

The pacing of the scenes following the funeral, particularly the introduction of the various Amish characters, could be tightened to maintain a stronger narrative drive. medium ( Scene 7 (11) )
The scenes depicting Book's investigation of the murder could be expanded upon to provide more depth and clarity to the underlying plot, particularly the connection between the corrupt police officers and the drug trade. medium ( Scene 24 (52C-52D) )
The development of the relationship between Book and Rachel could be more consistently integrated throughout the screenplay, with the emotional connection between the two characters feeling a bit uneven at times. medium ( Scene 32 (114-116) )

MissingElements

The screenplay could benefit from a clearer explanation of the larger conspiracy involving the corrupt police officers and the drug trade, as this seems to be a key element of the overall plot that is not fully explored. medium ( Scene 24 (52C-52D) )
The screenplay could delve deeper into the cultural and religious differences between Book and the Amish community, exploring the nuances of their worldviews and how these differences shape the characters' motivations and decisions. medium ( Scene 32 (114-116) )

NotablePoints

The scene in which Book's delirium causes him to unleash a barrage of profanity is a notable moment that effectively highlights the contrast between his gruff, urban persona and the piety of the Amish setting. medium ( Scene 26 (80) )
The scenes depicting Book's integration into the Amish community, including his participation in the barn-raising and his interactions with the Amish elders, are well-crafted and provide valuable insight into the Amish way of life. high ( Scene 29 (93B-93J) )
The climactic confrontation between Book, Schaeffer, and the Amish community, with the Amish banding together to protect Book, is a powerful and emotionally resonant moment that underscores the screenplay's themes of community, morality, and the consequences of one's actions. high ( Scene 41 (190-194) )

Blind Spots

Cultural Nuance While the screenplay does a commendable job of depicting the Amish community and its customs, there are a few instances where the exploration of cultural differences could be more nuanced. For example, the scenes involving Samuel's interactions with modern technology (e.g., the escalator, the pay phone) could be further developed to more deeply examine the clash between Amish and English ways of life. medium

Amateur Giveaways

Pacing Issues As noted in the 'Areas of Improvement' section, the pacing in certain sections of the screenplay, particularly the introduction of the various Amish characters following the funeral, could be tightened to maintain a stronger narrative drive. This suggests that the writer may still be developing their skills in balancing character development with overall pacing. medium
Underdeveloped Subplots The screenplay's central plot involving the corrupt police officers and the drug trade could be more fully explored and integrated throughout the narrative. The lack of a more comprehensive treatment of this subplot suggests that the writer may still be learning how to weave multiple storylines together effectively. medium

Engine: Gemini

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

Witness is a compelling thriller screenplay that successfully blends a gritty crime story with a moving fish-out-of-water narrative. The script excels in its rich character development, particularly John Book's arc as he grapples with corruption within his department and finds solace in the Amish community. The clash of cultures is vividly depicted, creating both dramatic tension and heartfelt moments. The screenplay also boasts a strong sense of place, vividly capturing both the urban decay of Philadelphia and the idyllic tranquility of Lancaster County. While the pacing could be tightened in the middle section, the overall narrative arc is engaging and ultimately satisfying.

Strengths

The screenplay effectively creates two contrasting worlds: the brutal reality of Philadelphia's criminal underworld and the serene, community-driven life of the Amish. This contrast enhances the dramatic tension and highlights Book's internal struggle. high
The screenplay excels in depicting the Amish community, showcasing their unique customs, beliefs, and way of life. The dialogue in Sequence 11 effectively introduces Daniel Hochstetler's character while also hinting at his atypical nature. The barn raising in Sequence 27 serves as a microcosm of Amish community life, showcasing their values and traditions. Rachel's internal conflict between her attraction to Book and her Amish beliefs is subtly but powerfully depicted in Sequence 34. high ( Scene 11 (11) Scene 27 (106) Scene 34 (125) )
Samuel's journey from wide-eyed innocence to a more nuanced understanding of the world is effectively portrayed. His encounters with the English world in Sequence 5, his struggles with the concept of violence in Sequence 22, and his silent goodbye to Book in Sequence 32 are particularly well-written. medium ( Scene 5 (23A) Scene 26 (93K) Scene 32 (112) )
The screenplay masterfully builds suspense, particularly in the scenes where Book's vulnerability is exposed. The betrayal by Schaeffer in Sequence 14 and the brutal interrogation of Carter in Sequence 30 are chilling and effective. high ( Scene 14 (59) Scene 30 (109) )
The budding romance between Book and Rachel is handled with sensitivity and restraint. The scene in Sequence 20 where the Amish elders examine Book and the scene in Sequence 28 where they dance in the barn are both charged with unspoken attraction and cultural tension. medium ( Scene 20 (86) Scene 28 (100A) )

Areas of Improvement

While the screenplay effectively establishes Daniel's interest in Rachel, his character could be further developed. Adding scenes that delve deeper into his personality, motivations, and reactions to Book's presence would enhance the romantic subplot and provide more dramatic tension. For instance, expanding the scene in Sequence 12 where Daniel and his brothers help the Lapps with their work could provide insight into his character and his relationship with Rachel. Similarly, the scene in Sequence 23, where Daniel picks up Book for the barn raising, could be an opportunity to explore their rivalry more explicitly. medium ( Scene 11 (12) Scene 23 (93B) )
The screenplay could benefit from tightening the pacing in the middle section, particularly after Book arrives at the Lapp farm. Some scenes feel repetitive, and the story could move forward with more urgency. medium ( Scene 19 (80) )
The resolution of the conflict with Schaeffer and his corrupt officers feels somewhat rushed. The final confrontation could be given more weight and dramatic impact by exploring the internal struggle of the Amish community as they decide to intervene. The screenplay could also benefit from showing the aftermath of the event and its effect on the Lapp family and the community. medium
While the screenplay hints at the corruption within the police department, it could be explored in greater depth. Adding scenes that showcase the systemic nature of the problem and the challenges Book faces as an internal affairs officer would add more complexity and realism to the story. low
The screenplay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the moral dilemmas faced by both Book and Rachel. Book's decision to use violence despite being surrounded by pacifists and Rachel's struggle to reconcile her feelings for Book with her Amish beliefs could be given more focus. low

MissingElements

The screenplay could benefit from a stronger visual language. While the descriptions are generally clear and concise, they could be enhanced with more evocative imagery and sensory details to further immerse the reader in the world of the story. medium
The screenplay could benefit from a clearer thematic throughline. While the clash of cultures is effectively portrayed, other themes like violence, justice, and redemption could be more explicitly explored and integrated into the narrative. low
The screenplay could benefit from a more compelling opening scene. The current opening, while visually striking, is somewhat slow-paced and lacks a strong hook to immediately engage the reader. low

NotablePoints

The screenplay deftly handles the transition between the contrasting worlds of the city and the Amish countryside, creating a distinct atmosphere for each location. high
The screenplay's use of German dialect adds authenticity to the portrayal of the Amish community, further emphasizing the cultural divide between Book and his surroundings. medium
The scene where Samuel silently hugs Book before his departure is a powerful and poignant moment that encapsulates the emotional core of the story. high ( Scene 32 (112) )

Blind Spots

Character depth of secondary characters The writer seems to focus heavily on the main characters, especially Book and Rachel. While they are well-developed, some secondary characters, like Daniel Hochstetler and the corrupt cops, could benefit from more backstory and inner life to make them more than just plot devices. medium

Engine: GPT4

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay 'Witness' is a compelling blend of drama and thriller, set against the unique backdrop of the Amish community. It excels in character development, narrative strength, and thematic consistency. However, it could benefit from tighter pacing in certain areas and a more resolved ending.

Strengths

The opening sequence effectively establishes the Amish setting and introduces key characters with visual and auditory details. high ( Scene 1 (3-10) )
The tension between Book and his superiors is well-portrayed, adding depth to his character and setting up the central conflict. high ( Scene 6 (31A) )
The barn-raising scene showcases the Amish community's values and provides a moment of cultural immersion. medium ( Scene 27 (99) )
The intimate moment between Book and Rachel is handled with sensitivity, highlighting their growing bond. high ( Scene 32 (113-114) )
The climax involving the Amish community's non-violent resistance is powerful and thematically resonant. high ( Scene 40 (184-188) )

Areas of Improvement

The pacing in the middle sections drags, particularly during the scenes at Elaine's house. medium ( Scene 10 (45-49) )
The transition from the city to the Amish community could be smoother and more impactful. medium ( Scene 16 (66-68) )
The resolution feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more conclusive ending. high ( Scene 41 (190A) )
The subplot involving Schaeffer's corruption could be more fleshed out to add depth to the antagonist. medium ( Scene 33 (119-119A) )
The confrontation scenes could use more tension and stakes to heighten the drama. high ( Scene 35 (134-135) )

MissingElements

A deeper exploration of the Amish community's perspective on the events could add more layers to the narrative. medium ( Scene general )
More backstory on Book's past and motivations would help in understanding his character better. medium ( Scene general )
The screenplay could benefit from more moments of levity to balance the intense drama. low ( Scene general )

NotablePoints

The authentic portrayal of the Amish community is a standout element. high ( Scene 1 (3-10) )
The internal police politics add a layer of complexity to the narrative. medium ( Scene 6 (31A) )
The barn-raising scene is visually and thematically rich. high ( Scene 27 (99) )
The romantic tension between Book and Rachel is well-developed. high ( Scene 32 (113-114) )
The climax involving the Amish community's non-violent resistance is a powerful moment. high ( Scene 40 (184-188) )

Blind Spots

Cultural Sensitivity While the screenplay portrays the Amish community with respect, it occasionally falls into stereotypes. More nuanced representation would enhance authenticity. medium

Amateur Giveaways

Pacing Issues Certain sections, particularly in the middle, drag and could be tightened to maintain narrative momentum. medium
Abrupt Resolution The ending feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion, which can leave the audience feeling unfulfilled. high

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Screenplay Insights:

Characters: 7.5, The screenplay showcases a compelling clash between the peaceful Amish community and the gritty world of crime, effectively utilizing character development to heighten this contrast. While John Book's transformation and Rachel's internal conflict are highlights, some supporting characters like Daniel and Schaeffer could benefit from more nuanced development to amplify the narrative's depth and emotional impact. See More

Premise: 8.3, The screenplay presents a compelling fish-out-of-water premise with strong potential for audience engagement. The clash between the Amish community and the world of urban crime creates inherent intrigue. However, clarifying the stakes for John Book and further emphasizing the cultural clash could enhance the initial hook and long-term interest. See More

Structure: 7.9, The screenplay exhibits a well-structured plot that unfolds effectively, offering a blend of tension, Amish culture, and social commentary. However, some scenes lack narrative focus, impacting pacing and emotional depth. Additionally, the exploration of character arcs could be strengthened to enhance audience engagement. See More

Theme: 8.5, The screenplay effectively explores themes of faith, community, and the clash between tradition and modernity. It conveys meaningful messages about the importance of connection, forgiveness, and the search for purpose, which resonate with the audience and add depth to the narrative. See More

Visual Impact: 7.3, The screenplay effectively utilizes the inherent visual contrast between the Amish community and the modern world, creating a striking visual landscape. The juxtaposition of traditional Amish practices, clothing, and rural settings against the backdrop of urban Philadelphia provides a strong foundation for visually engaging storytelling. Notably, the scenes depicting Book's integration into the Amish community offer opportunities for rich visual humor and cultural commentary. See More

Emotional Impact: 7.8, The screenplay "Witness" effectively utilizes contrasting worlds and character arcs to create a compelling emotional journey. The clash between John Book's urban cynicism and the Amish community's peaceful resilience fuels emotional tension and growth. However, opportunities exist to further deepen the emotional resonance by exploring the internal conflicts of characters like Rachel and Samuel more explicitly, enriching their emotional arcs. See More

Conflict: 7.3, The screenplay effectively presents a central conflict between the traditional Amish way of life and the modern world, manifested through the journey of Rachel Lapp and John Book. It establishes significant stakes for the characters, particularly Rachel and her son Samuel, as they navigate threats to their safety and community. However, there are opportunities to enhance the clarity and resolution of the conflict, as well as to escalate the stakes further, which could strengthen the screenplay's overall narrative tension and audience engagement. See More

Originality: 7.8, This screenplay demonstrates originality and creativity in its authentic depiction of the Amish community, the exploration of moral dilemmas, and the portrayal of a hardened detective forced to confront his own beliefs. While the overall plot adheres to established thriller conventions, the film's setting and character dynamics introduce fresh perspectives that set it apart. See More

Summary The screenplay follows John Book, an outsider in the Amish community, as he navigates a murder investigation, forms an unexpected bond with a young Amish boy named Samuel, and falls in love with Rachel, Samuel's mother. As Book uncovers corruption within the police force, he must protect the Lapp family from danger while coming to terms with his feelings for Rachel. The story culminates in a dramatic showdown between Book and the corrupt officers, leading to Book's departure from the community and his uncertain future.

Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The plot effectively captures the clash between the Amish and English worlds and presents a compelling story of faith, values, and growth. The screenplay's pacing is well-balanced, building tension and releasing it throughout the narrative. The story's climax is satisfying and provides a sense of closure while leaving room for contemplation. However, the plot could benefit from a more focused exploration of the themes and a tighter structure in some sections.

Suggestions: To enhance the plot, consider exploring the themes of faith, community, and the clash between different worlds more deeply. This could be achieved by incorporating more scenes that highlight the beliefs and values of both the Amish and English characters, as well as the struggles and misunderstandings that arise when these two worlds collide. Additionally, refining the pacing in certain sections, particularly towards the middle, could help maintain a consistent level of engagement and suspense.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

Beginning The beginning of the screenplay effectively introduces the central characters and establishes the Amish community's unique way of life. The introduction of Detective Book and his connection to the Amish family adds an element of intrigue and sets the stage for the conflicts to come. However, the initial pacing could be slightly tightened to create a stronger sense of urgency and draw the audience into the story more quickly.

Suggestions: To improve the beginning, consider starting with a more captivating hook that immediately grabs the audience's attention and sets up the central conflict. Additionally, developing the characters' motivations and relationships in the first act could help create a stronger emotional connection with the audience, making them more invested in the story's outcome.

Middle The middle part of the screenplay effectively explores the tensions between the Amish community and the outside world. The conflicts that arise from Book's investigation and the challenges faced by Rachel and her family add depth and complexity to the story. However, some sections could benefit from a tighter structure and a more focused exploration of the themes. Refining the transitions between certain scenes could help create a smoother flow and maintain the momentum of the narrative.

Suggestions: To strengthen the middle section, consider streamlining the plot and removing any unnecessary subplots or scenes that may distract from the main story. Additionally, focusing on the emotional journey of the characters and their internal conflicts could add depth and make the stakes feel more personal for the audience. By refining the structure and exploring the themes more deeply, the middle part of the screenplay can become even more engaging and impactful.

Ending The ending of the screenplay provides a satisfying resolution to the central conflict and offers a glimpse of the characters' futures. The themes of faith, community, and change are brought to a close in a meaningful way. However, the pacing could be slightly adjusted to create a more impactful climax and allow for a more fulfilling emotional payoff. Additionally, expanding on the epilogue or adding a final scene could provide a stronger sense of closure and leave a lasting impression on the audience.

Suggestions: To enhance the ending, consider adding a more intense and emotional confrontation between Book and the antagonist, leading to a climactic resolution. Additionally, expanding on the aftermath of the conflict and the characters' journeys could provide a more satisfying conclusion. By refining the pacing and exploring the emotional impact of the events, the ending of the screenplay can become even more powerful and memorable.

CharacterInconsistencies

Character Rachel
Description Rachel's character undergoes significant shifts. She starts as a devout Amish woman, resistant to English ways. However, she dances with Book, becomes jealous of Hochstetler, and ultimately considers using a gun, contradicting her initial beliefs and pacifist nature. These changes feel driven by plot needs rather than organic character development.
( Scene 25 (93E) Scene 28 (100A) Scene 33 (118) Scene 34 (128) Scene 38 (172) )
Character Book
Description While recovering at the Lapp farm, Book displays an attraction towards Rachel. However, his actions sometimes contradict this. He makes a crude joke about a cow's teat, and later watches Rachel undress without her consent. This behavior clashes with his growing respect for Amish values and his affection for Rachel.
( Scene 22 (93K) Scene 32 (113) )

StoryInconsistencies

Description Book tells Elaine to get rid of Rachel's name from his calendar, claiming it's for her safety. However, he calls Carter later, revealing Schaeffer's betrayal and his own location. This inconsistency exposes Rachel and Samuel to danger unnecessarily.
( Scene 16 (66A) Scene 17 (69) )
Description The Amish are portrayed as avoiding modern technology, yet Eli uses a car battery to help Book charge his. While this could be explained by necessity, it creates a slight inconsistency with the established Amish lifestyle.
( Scene 20 )

PlotHoles

Description Book finds Fergie's shotgun empty but conveniently locates extra shells in his pockets. This feels contrived to move the plot forward, as it's unlikely Fergie would carry loose shells.
( Scene 39 (183) )
Description The Amish community responds to Samuel's bell ringing, confronting Schaeffer. However, in the following scene, no Amish are present when the police arrive. Their sudden disappearance is unexplained.
( Scene 40 (188) Scene 41 (190B) )

DialogueAuthenticity

Description The Undersheriff's dialogue with Schaeffer feels overly comedic and stereotypical. His portrayal of Amish culture, while accurate, leans heavily on cliches for humorous effect.
( Scene 20 (84) )

Redundancies

Element Book's escape and Schaeffer's pursuit
( Scene 16 Scene 17 Scene 20 Scene 21 )
Suggestion The sequences showing Book's escape and Schaeffer's attempts to find him could be streamlined. The repeated phone calls and near misses create a sense of repetition. Condensing these sequences would maintain tension while increasing narrative efficiency.

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Rachel - Score: 82/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ISFJ
Enneagram: Type 2 (The Helper)

Scenes

Strongest: #10
Weakest: #11

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Young Amish mother facing personal and communal grief.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

A grieving widow grappling with loyalty and emerging feelings for an outsider.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

Rachel's journey reveals her transformation from a grieving widow to someone who must reconcile her past with her future.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Rachel's dialogue reflects her Amish upbringing, characterized by directness and heartfelt emotion.

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Rachel’s actions are primarily motivated by her protective instincts for her son and her cultural values.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Rachel’s relationships are pivotal: they reflect her struggles and growth as she navigates her loyalty to her culture and her feelings for Book.

Scene Impact 8/10

Rachel's presence often serves as emotional anchor in scenes, introducing vulnerability and intensity.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Rachel asserts a unique role as a nurturing figure while simultaneously representing the tensions of tradition vs. progress.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Rachel’s journey is crucial to the film’s exploration of grief, belonging, and personal growth.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Rachel evokes sympathy, representing the universal themes of grief and hope.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Rachel Lapp is a young Amish mother who is deeply affected by the death of her husband, Jacob. Her foundational traits include resilience and a strong sense of community. These traits cultivate her nurturing side, especially towards her son, Samuel, and her desire to maintain their family's values amidst the challenges they face from the outside world. Rachel embodies the conflict between personal loss and the collective mourning experienced by the Amish community.

Values And Beliefs: Family, community, faith in God, and adherence to Amish traditions.

Strengths And Skills: Nurturing, emotionally resilient, capable of hard work, deeply connected to her community.

Suggestions

Explore Rachel's backstory further to enrich her character development.
Introduce more scenes that showcase her strengths in challenging situations.

Follow-up Questions

How does Rachel's grief impact her interaction with other characters?
In what ways does Rachel embody the values of her community in her decisions?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Rachel struggles with the emotional pain of losing her husband while trying to keep her family together and safe. This emotional wound influences her choices, causing her to be wary of outside influences and protective of her son. Additionally, her inner conflict arises from her growing feelings for John Book, which challenge her loyalty to her community and her late husband.

Character Wound: Grief over losing her husband, Jacob.

Character Flaws: Possessiveness, tendency to be overly protective, initial distrust of outsiders.

Suggestions

Delve deeper into her emotional struggles in dialogue with other characters.
Create scenarios that test her loyalty to her community versus her feelings for Book.

Follow-up Questions

How does Rachel's grief manifest in her daily actions?
What specific choices does she make that reflect her inner conflicts?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 9

Throughout the screenplay, Rachel grapples with her grief, the responsibility of parenting, and her emerging feelings for Book. This internal journey illustrates a balance between maintaining her cultural identity and opening herself to new experiences. Her pivotal moments revolve around her relationship with Book, culminating in a choice that signifies her willingness to embrace change.

Polarity Changes: Her initial despair shifts to a budding hope as she develops feelings for Book, leading to personal conflict.

Transformation Triggers: Interactions with John Book, moments of crisis that threaten her family, and her protective nature over Samuel.

Suggestions

Highlight her emotional triggers through dialogue with other Amish women.
Include a pivotal scene where she confronts her feelings for Book head-on.

Follow-up Questions

What does Rachel ultimately decide regarding her feelings for Book?
How do her relationships within her community influence her decisions?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Rachel's speech patterns resonate with her upbringing, often blending German phrases into her dialogue, which reveals her cultural background. Her tone is usually soft yet firm, showcasing her caring nature, and her dialogues with Book reflect both longing and friction as they navigate their complex relationship.

Unique Voice: Simple vocabulary, emotionally expressive, often conveys cultural references and beliefs.

Suggestions

Incorporate more of her cultural expressions in conversations.
Ensure her words reflect shifts in her emotional state as the story progresses.

Follow-up Questions

How do her language choices depict her struggle between her culture and new emotions?
What key phrases symbolize her internal conflict?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 9

Throughout the screenplay, Rachel's choices reflect her dual role as a mother and a community member. Her proactive stance stems from these motivations: she accepts help from others selectively, remains wary of outside influences, and her actions often protect Samuel from the harshness of the outside world. Every decision she makes is a careful balance reflecting her cultural obligations while also considering her personal feelings.

Motivations: Protection of Samuel, preservation of family and community values, processing grief.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to protect her family from outside harm; needs to embrace healing and possibly new love with Book.

Suggestions

Add scenes that show her making small decisions that reflect her inner conflict.
Create situations where her choices challenge or reinforce her community's values.

Follow-up Questions

What specific actions demonstrate Rachel's internal conflict during the story?
How does her protective nature affect her relationship with Book?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Rachel’s interactions with John Book are central to her character development. They reveal her vulnerability and longing for connection outside her closed world. Her relationship with Eli showcases her ties to her family and community, emphasizing her fierce protection of her son while illustrating the tension between loyalty to tradition and new experiences. The bonds with other community members also highlight her role within the Amish society, showcasing both support and external pressures.

Suggestions

Enhance her relationship with Eli to highlight generational differences in dealing with change.
Introduce more community interactions to showcase her social dynamics.

Follow-up Questions

How do Rachel's interactions with Hochstetler serve to complicate her feelings for Book?
In what ways do her relationships with community members mirror her internal struggles?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

In various scenes, Rachel's emotional state often sets the tone. Her grief-filled presence at the funeral juxtaposes with her fighting spirit during the confrontation with Schaeffer and McFee, illustrating her growth and resilience. Rachel’s interactions with Book create tension and vulnerability that challenge the norms of her Amish community, often pushing the narrative forward.

Suggestions

Focus on her reactions in critical scenes to enhance emotional weight.
Add scenes where her absence is felt to emphasize her importance.

Follow-up Questions

What specific scenes showcase Rachel’s transformative impact on other characters?
How can her emotional state influence the pacing of the narrative?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

Rachel embodies the struggle between traditional Amish values and emerging modern influences through her relationship with Book. Her nurturing nature extends to her role as a protector, but her interactions with Book represent potential growth beyond cultural confines. She serves as a bridge between these worlds, prompting questions about the future of her family and community.

Suggestions

Strengthen her character arc to emphasize the transformation from tradition to a blend of both worlds.
Consider moments that challenge her traditional role to further explore her boundaries.

Follow-up Questions

How does Rachel make choices that reflect her unique role within her family?
In what ways does she embody duality in her connections with both Amish and English culture?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Through Rachel, the screenplay explores heavy themes of loss and belonging. Her development illustrates the conflict between personal grief and community responsibilities while questioning traditional values in light of emerging emotions and relationships. Her willingness to open herself to love challenges the conventions of her culture and marks a significant thematic thread throughout the screenplay.

Suggestions

Tie her character arc directly to major thematic elements to deepen narrative connections.
Emphasize moments where her decisions impact broader themes of tradition and change.

Follow-up Questions

How do Rachel’s decisions reflect the larger themes of transformation within the Amish community?
In what ways can her character journey serve to challenge or reinforce societal norms?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Rachel is a character whose emotional journey deeply resonates with the audience, evoking feelings of sorrow and hope. Her internal conflicts surrounding her husband's death, her protective nature towards Samuel, and her budding feelings for Book create a complex emotional tapestry that engages viewers, allowing them to connect with her plight as a journey of resilience.

Emotional Impact: Her struggles elicit sympathy and hope from the audience, particularly regarding grief and healing.

Suggestions

Craft moments that illuminate their internal struggle, enhancing emotional investment.
Ensure her character’s arc remains grounded in emotional authenticity.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments amplify audience sympathy for Rachel?
How can her emotional journey reshape viewer perceptions of loss and transformation?

Personality Types

MBTI: isfj

Rachel exhibits characteristics associated with the ISFJ type, including a caring nature, strong sense of duty, and concern for her family's welfare.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: infj (60%)

Suggestions

Explore her decision-making process to reveal underlying values and fears.
Utilize her perspective in crucial scenes to emphasize her internal thoughts.

Follow-up Questions

How do her introverted traits manifest in her interactions with others?
What external pressures challenge her introverted nature throughout the screenplay?

Enneagram: type 2 (the helper)

Rachel’s behavior often revolves around her desire to help and protect her family, aligning with the motivations of a Type 2.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 (the loyalist) (65%)

Suggestions

Deepen her interactions with community members to showcase her loyalty.
Highlight choices driven by her fear of loss or abandonment.

Follow-up Questions

How does Rachel balance helping others while ensuring her own needs are met?
In what situations does her loyalty pose challenges for her development?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (10)

Rachel's interactions in the kitchen with Book highlight her conflict between love and loyalty, showcasing her emotional depth.

Why: This scene encapsulates her nurturing nature while revealing vulnerability, effectively advancing her character arc.

Weakest Scene (11)

In the post-funeral scene, Rachel is emotionally fragile and somewhat overshadowed by the men's dialogue, which detracts from her emotional arc.

Why: The focus on male character interactions minimizes Rachel's emotional trajectory.

Suggestions:

Add dialogue that enriches Rachel's perspective during this pivotal moment.
Introduce reflective moments where her inner feelings are revealed.

Book - Score: 85/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ISTP

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 9/10

Philadelphia cop navigating Amish values after a violent incident.

Complexity And Depth 8/10

Torn between law enforcement and peace, struggles with aggression.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 7/10

Book's journey toward empathy and understanding is contrasted with his initial identity as a cop.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Book's dialogue often reflects his direct, no-nonsense approach as a cop.

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Book's choices illustrate his struggle between adherence to law and emotional growth.

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Book's relationships reveal evolving connections that challenge his worldview.

Scene Impact 8/10

Book's presence often shifts the tone from tension to contemplation.

Role Fulfillment 9/10

John Book serves as both protector and catalyst for change.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Book's journey embodies the central themes of violence and redemption.

Emotional Resonance 9/10

Engenders sympathy and tension through moral struggles.

Foundational Definition

Score: 9

John Book is a Philadelphia police officer who becomes an unwitting protector of the Amish boy Samuel after witnessing a violent crime. He embodies the conflict between his duty as a law enforcement officer and the simplicity of the Amish lifestyle. His identity is rooted in a strong sense of justice, which is complicated by his subsequent engagement with the Amish community, contrasting their peaceful values with the violence he is accustomed to. At the beginning of the screenplay, Book operates within the structure of modern law enforcement, but his exposure to the Amish way of life challenges his worldview and approaches to morality and justice.

Values And Beliefs: Justice, order, and a sense of duty to protect the innocent.

Strengths And Skills: Skilled investigator, physically capable, resilient under pressure.

Suggestions

Explore Book's backstory further to elucidate how his upbringing influences his perception of justice.
Delve deeper into how his experiences with the Amish might reshape his belief system over time.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's past as a cop affect his interactions with the Amish community?
In what ways does his exposure to Amish values lead to internal conflict?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 8

Book is grappling with emotional wounds stemming from the violent world he inhabits. His role as a protector highlights a significant internal conflict, as he embodies the law yet finds himself drawn to a lifestyle defined by peace and simplicity. His flaws include a tendency towards aggression in high-stress situations and the difficulty in adapting to a way of life that demands patience and nonviolence. These complexities make him a compelling character who must reconcile his identity as a cop with his emerging emotional connections to the Amish.

Character Wound: Conflict between duty and personal morality, leading to feelings of dislocation.

Character Flaws: Aggressive under pressure, struggles with adapting to nonviolent resolutions.

Suggestions

Develop scenes that directly explore Book's emotional responses to violence and his guilt over past actions.
Show more interactions where Book fails and learns from nonviolent approaches, adding depth to his character arc.

Follow-up Questions

What past traumas influence Book's reactions to violence throughout the screenplay?
How does his interaction with Samuel serve as a catalyst for his internal growth?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 7

Book's character undergoes significant change as he learns to prioritize the safety and values of the Amish community over his previous rigid adherence to the law. Key events like his experience with violence in the city, as well as his developing relationships with Rachel and Samuel, challenge his beliefs and ultimately transform him. Yet, he remains resistant to fully abandon his past, oscillating between his old identity and his budding connection to the Amish way of life.

Polarity Changes: Transition from a strictly law-oriented mindset to one that embraces compassion and community.

Transformation Triggers: Witnessing crime, bonding with the Amish, the threat to Samuel and Rachel.

Suggestions

Ensure that pivotal scenes illustrating Book's transformation are highlighted to emphasize his arc.
Integrate moments of doubt and conflict as Book struggles with letting go of his past identity.

Follow-up Questions

What moment is the turning point for Book's transformation?
How does his journey relate to broader themes of violence versus peace?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Initially, Book's speech is filled with cop jargon and authority. As he engages with the Amish community and faces personal dilemmas, his dialogue softens, becoming more reflective. This evolution illustrates his character development, showcasing his struggle to connect with Rachel and Samuel, and align his protective instincts with their nonviolent principles.

Unique Voice: Direct and assertive, with a tone that transitions to more emotional and vulnerable as the plot evolves.

Suggestions

Enhance the contrast in Book's dialogue between his cop persona and his interactions with the Amish.
Incorporate introspective dialogues that reveal his internal conflicts more explicitly.

Follow-up Questions

How can Book's dialogue better reflect his internal struggle throughout the screenplay?
What significant lines can encapsulate his transformation at key moments?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 9

Book's choices are often reactive; he acts out of a protective instinct initially without considering the broader implications on his and the Amish community's values. His decisions both in pursuing justice and protecting the innocence of Samuel serve to highlight his internal conflicts—between authority and empathy. Every significant choice he makes reflects his evolving understanding of what protection truly means.

Motivations: To protect Samuel and Rachel while grappling with his moral duty as a police officer.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to enforce the law versus the need to understand and embrace the Amish lifestyle.

Suggestions

Clarify the stakes for Book in each choice he makes throughout the story.
Lead him to confront the repercussions of his decisions on both the Amish and his police identity actively.

Follow-up Questions

What key decisions signify Book's growth, and how can they be more explicitly tied to his character development?
In which scenarios does Book's protective instinct clash most starkly with the Amish values he encounters?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 9

The bond he forms with Rachel and Samuel showcases his journey from isolation in his cop identity to a deeper emotional understanding of connection and family. Rachel serves as both an ally and a moral compass, while Samuel represents innocence that Book seeks to protect. These relationships catalyze his transformation and emphasize the themes of protection and sacrifice. The dynamic shifts from merely fulfilling his duty to actively engaging with and valuing the lives and beliefs of those he seeks to protect.

Suggestions

Strengthen interactions that highlight Book's growing empathy and understanding within his relationships.
Illustrate moments where Book's protective feelings conflict with the nonviolent principles of Rachel and Samuel.

Follow-up Questions

How can Book's relationships be used to further illustrate his internal conflicts?
What scenes best showcase the evolution of these dynamics throughout the story?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

In scenes where Book's protective instincts come to the forefront, he often introduces a sense of urgency or conflict, typically tied to violence. As his understanding of the Amish deepens, he starts to shift the atmosphere toward introspection and emotional connection, affecting not just his character arc but the narrative as a whole. His choices increasingly influence the emotional journeys of Rachel and Samuel as they grapple with their perceptions of him.

Suggestions

Ensure that Book's presence in key conflict scenes amplifies the emotional stakes.
Craft moments that highlight how his actions transform the emotional tone of surrounding characters.

Follow-up Questions

Which scenes illustrate the most significant impact Book has on the emotional tone?
How can the screenplay amplify the transitions Book undergoes within those moments?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 9

Book's narrative function is to navigate the conflict between his role as a police officer and the lessons he learns from the Amish. He embodies the struggle to reconcile these two worlds, serving as a focal point for the screenplay's exploration of themes related to violence, justice, and mercy. By the end, he represents the potential for change within oneself and a challenge to confront ingrained beliefs about law and harmony.

Symbolic Role: The bridge between the violent world of law enforcement and the peaceful nature of the Amish community.

Suggestions

Clarify how Book's character challenges or reinforces societal views on law and violence.
Emphasize the contrast between Book's authority and the calmness of Amish life through his dialogues and actions.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does Book's role evolve at key plot points throughout the screenplay?
Can his actions better reflect an amalgamation of his past and present identities?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Through his interactions with the Amish, Book confronts the themes of violence versus peace, and personal sacrifice for the greater good. As Book learns from the Amish's nonviolent principles, his transformation mirrors the broader thematic narrative of the screenplay, highlighting the potential for understanding and redemption amidst chaos. His journey reflects the overarching message of the necessity of compassion in a violent world, aligning with and enhancing the screenplay's thematic relevance.

Suggestions

Deepen Book's encounters with Amish values to reinforce the thematic contrasts with his police background.
Highlight key moments when Book actively chooses peace over violence to strengthen thematic resonance.

Follow-up Questions

How many moments can clearly delineate Book’s conflict between violence and peace?
What other characters can reflect themes highlighted through Book's choices?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 9

John Book's character arc evokes strong emotions as he navigates the traumatic world of violence while gradually learning to embrace peace and empathy. His struggles resonate with audiences as they sympathize with his plight of protecting the innocent while grappling with his cop identity. Emotional peaks linked to his relationships with Rachel and Samuel are particularly strong, eliciting both concern and hope for redemption, which enhances his character's impact.

Emotional Impact: Sympathy and tension as audiences connect with Book's struggles.

Suggestions

Create more intimate moments between Book and other characters to amplify emotional connections with the audience.
Ensure that moments of vulnerability are well-paced to maintain emotional engagement.

Follow-up Questions

Which scenes evoke the most sympathy for Book, and how?

Personality Types

MBTI: istp

Book demonstrates traits typical of an ISTP—independent, observant, and practical. His tactical skills as a cop and his adaptability to the Amish environment reflect these traits.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: intj (20%)

Suggestions

Explore how Book's ISTP-type characteristics influence his partnership dynamics with Rachel and Samuel.
Showcase moments that reflect his independent tendencies, especially when faced with moral dilemmas.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's personality type affect his relationship with authority figures in the story?
What moments best demonstrate his ISTP characteristics and their impact on the plot?

John - Score: 81/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ISTJ
Enneagram: Type 1 - The Reformer

Scenes

Strongest: #36
Weakest: #25

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Dedicated cop caught in moral crisis.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Emotionally scarred, hostile to complexities.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

Journey toward understanding and acceptance.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Direct and sometimes confrontational.

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Driven by duty, yet learning the complexity of morality.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Evolving connections with Rachel and Samuel; tension with law enforcement.

Scene Impact 9/10

Critical in shaping emotional tension and conflict.

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Protagonist grappling with law and morality themes.

Thematic Plot Integration 8/10

Personal journey intertwines with central themes of peace.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Strong emotional connection with audiences.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

John Book is a tough, dedicated Philadelphia cop who operates within a morally complex world. His professional integrity is central to his character; he upholds a strong sense of justice and feels a deep responsibility for the law and the protection of the innocent. A pivotal incident involving the murder of a colleague propels him into a crisis that challenges both his worldview and personal safety, forcing him to cross paths with the Amish community. This juxtaposition highlights his struggle between the violent nature of his job and the peaceful values of the Amish, thus setting the stage for his internal conflict throughout the story.

Values And Beliefs: Justice, integrity, protection of the innocent

Strengths And Skills: Law enforcement expertise, physical resilience, quick decision-making

Suggestions

Deepen the exploration of Book's conflict between duty and morality.
Introduce more backstory to explain his motivations.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's past influence his interactions with the Amish?
In what ways does the trauma from losing his partner shape his actions?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Book carries emotional wounds stemming from the chaotic and violent nature of his job, particularly after the death of his partner. This loss leaves him with guilt and a growing disillusionment with the law enforcement system. His flaws include a tendency to act impulsively when driven by emotion, and sometimes, his rigid moral code can blind him to the complexities of human behavior. The pressures of his work also manifest in his struggle to connect fully with the peaceful ways of the Amish, which represents a stark contrast to his life as a police officer.

Character Wound: Guilt over his partner's death

Character Flaws: Impulsiveness, rigidity in beliefs

Suggestions

Portray Book's emotional journey with greater sensitivity.
Develop his interactions with other characters that reveal his vulnerabilities.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments trigger Book's emotional responses?
How does John's relationship with Rachel influence his healing process?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 9

Throughout the screenplay, Book undergoes significant transformation driven by his experiences with the Amish. Initially, he is a hardened cop focused on justice through law enforcement, but his time spent in the peaceful and close-knit Amish community forces him to reconsider his beliefs about violence, community, and personal losses. By the end, he grapples with the realization of what he values in life, leading to a more complex understanding of justice and peace that transcends the law. This change offers him a sense of growth and acceptance of a new identity that is at odds with his previous role as a police officer.

Polarity Changes: From a conflicted career cop to an integrated figure seeking peace.

Transformation Triggers: His experiences with the Amish community, particularly his growing relationship with Rachel.

Suggestions

Clearly define the personal stakes that motivate John's shifts in perspective.
Highlight moments that illustrate his psychological struggle.

Follow-up Questions

What are the key turning points in Book's relationship with the Amish?
How does his character contrast with others he encounters in the community?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

John Book's dialogue showcases his no-nonsense personality and strong moral stance. He is often direct and assertive, particularly when confronting situations that threaten the people he cares about. Over time, as he becomes more integrated into the Amish community, his language softens, reflecting his growing understanding and empathy toward their way of life. This transition can be seen in his interactions with Rachel, where he begins to speak more gently and thoughtfully. The contrast in his voice from the beginning to the end illustrates both his complexity and growth.

Unique Voice: Book's language is straightforward, often laced with the tension of his internal struggles. He speaks with authority but also exhibits vulnerability when necessary.

Suggestions

Incorporate more reflective moments in his dialogue to show internal conflict.
Introduce variations in tone when interacting with different characters.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's dialogue shift in intensity as he faces moral dilemmas?
What unique phrases or idioms could differentiate his character from others?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 7

Book’s actions throughout the screenplay are primarily motivated by a deep sense of duty, leading to decisions that reflect his rigid moral compass. However, as he interacts with the Amish, he faces choices that challenge his initial understanding of justice. His behaviors shift from aggressive defender of the law to a more nuanced protector, willing to adapt his methods in the name of peace and safety. This evolution is marked by moments where he must choose between enforcing the law ruthlessly or acknowledging the complexities of human relationships and morality.

Motivations: To seek justice for his partner's death and protect those around him, particularly Rachel and Samuel.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to uphold the law but needs to understand true justice and peace.

Suggestions

Clarify moments when Book struggles with his choices in the face of moral ambiguity.
Show the ripple effects of his decisions on those around him.

Follow-up Questions

How do John's choices impact his perception of justice versus personal morality?
What moments challenge his previously held beliefs about right and wrong?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Book's relationships serve a critical role in his development throughout the screenplay. His evolving bond with Rachel highlights his capacity for compassion and understanding as he moves away from his past rigidity. Samuel represents innocence and the pure values of the Amish community, prompting Book to confront his own values. Tension with law enforcement figures like Schaeffer adds layers to his character, showcasing the conflict between his cop identity and the peaceful existence he discovers within the Amish community.

Suggestions

Develop deeper interactions with Rachel to emphasize emotional stakes.
Highlight the impact of his relationship with Samuel on his transformation.

Follow-up Questions

How do Book's relationships with Rachel and Samuel alter his character arc?
In what ways does Book's interaction with law enforcement figures reflect his internal conflict?

Scene Impact

Score: 9

Book's presence significantly impacts the scenes he is in, often setting the emotional tone or introducing conflict. His confrontations with Schaeffer and other law enforcement figures underscored the tension of the screenplay. Each interaction also heightens the stakes, as Book's journey intertwines with themes of justice, duty, and forgiveness. Scenes where Book interacts with the Amish highlight his emotional struggle and growth, contributing to pivotal moments of change and resonance in the story.

Suggestions

Intensify the stakes by showcasing more vulnerable moments for Book.
Create scenes where other characters react to Book's presence, illustrating his impact.

Follow-up Questions

Which scenes best illustrate John's internal struggle when faced with moral choices?
How does Book's presence change the dynamics in crucial scenes?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 9

As the protagonist, Book’s role is centered around the themes of justice and morality. He grapples with the complexities of law enforcement and the values represented by the Amish community. His interactions and decisions ultimately question the effectiveness of rigid law enforcement versus the compassionate understanding found in human relationships. This symbolic tension emphasizes the core themes of the screenplay, underlining what it means to seek justice and how personal relationships can pivot one's perspective.

Symbolic Role: Represents the struggle between the law and personal morality.

Suggestions

Highlight conflicts that challenge Book's role as a protector.
Show contrasts in Book's character against other roles in the screenplay.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's understanding of his role evolve over time?
What are the biggest challenges he faces in fulfilling his role as a cop?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 8

Book's character journey is tightly woven into the screenplay's major themes of justice, violence, community, and forgiveness. His conflicts with both the corrupt system in the city and the peaceful Amish life highlight the multidimensional nature of these themes. The growth he experiences as he learns to balance his identity as a cop with the peaceful values of the Amish community underlines the notion that true justice may lie in understanding rather than enforcing law alone.

Suggestions

Reinforce connections between Book's growth and the screenplay’s themes.
Introduce more moments that juxtapose John's world with the Amish community.

Follow-up Questions

How do John's changes reflect the overarching plot themes?
What thematic questions arise from Book's actions and decisions?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Book's journey elicits strong emotional reactions from the audience, primarily through his struggles and the intense situations he faces in both the police world and the Amish community. His internal conflicts resonate with viewers, prompting empathy as he navigates loss, guilt, and the search for redemption. These emotional beats emphasize the broader implications of his narrative, leaving the audience invested in his outcomes and growth.

Emotional Impact: Evokes sympathy and tension as he navigates conflicting worlds.

Suggestions

Enhance the emotional stakes in key scenes to deepen audience engagement.
Focus on the emotional weight of Book's decisions related to others.

Follow-up Questions

What specific scenes evoke the strongest emotional responses from viewers?
How can John’s internal struggles be portrayed to maximize audience sympathy?

Personality Types

MBTI: istj

Book demonstrates traits of being detail-oriented, responsible, and dedicated to duty.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: estj (60%)

Suggestions

Highlight more of Book's structured nature in dialogue.
Contrast him with more flexible characters to enhance his ISTJ traits.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book's introverted nature affect his interactions?
In what situations does Book's structured approach conflict with Amish values?

Enneagram: type 1 - the reformer

Book’s desire for justice and moral integrity indicates a Type 1 profile, with strong ideals.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 - the loyalist (50%)

Suggestions

Emphasize his moral dilemmas as he grapples with law vs. compassion.
Explore his need for accountability and loyalty as a leader.

Follow-up Questions

How does Book’s Type 1 drive shape his interactions with others?
What challenges arise from his reformer tendencies when placed among the Amish?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (36)

When Book confronts Schaeffer and expresses his determination to find justice.

Why: This scene encapsulates Book's motivations and emotional intensity, underscoring his growth.

Weakest Scene (25)

When Book is cornered in the men's room during the violent encounter.

Why: This scene lacks in showcasing Book's strengths and feels more passive than active.

Suggestions:

Increase the tension by emphasizing his decision-making process.
Add internal dialogue to portray his reactions to danger.

Eli - Score: 76/100

Role

Supporting Character

Personality

MBTI: ISFJ

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Amish patriarch embodying tradition and wisdom.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Struggles with family protection vs. tradition.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 6/10

Represents consistent traditional values amid chaos.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Speaks with authority and wisdom, reflective of Amish culture.

Behavior And Choices 8/10

Exhibits protective behavior towards family; balancing faith and fear.

Relationship Dynamics 7/10

Complex relationship with family driven by protective instincts.

Scene Impact 8/10

Eli adds gravity to family scenes through his authority.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Functions as the traditional patriarch in the story.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Embodies the theme of tradition vs. modernity.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Eli elicits respect and sympathy through his protective actions.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Eli Lapp is a patriarchal figure within the Amish community, representing traditional values and a strong moral compass. His identity is deeply rooted in the Amish faith and lifestyle, emphasizing simplicity, humility, and a connection to the land. He embodies wisdom and authority, serving as a guiding force for his family, especially during times of crisis. His steadfast nature shapes much of the family dynamics and the community's response to external threats, such as Book's presence and the unforeseen violence that interrupts their peaceful existence.

Values And Beliefs: Traditional Amish values, faith in God, community over self.

Strengths And Skills: Wisdom, patience, strong moral compass, knowledge of farming and community practices.

Suggestions

Further develop Eli's backstory to showcase his experiences that shape his values.
Highlight Eli's internal struggles regarding the changes brought by the outside world, particularly through interactions with Book.

Follow-up Questions

How does Eli's view of tradition clash with the realities of modern threats?
What personal experiences might Eli have had that influence his protective instincts towards Rachel and Samuel?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Eli struggles between his protective instincts for his family and the traditional values he holds dear. His emotional wound stems from the fear of losing his family to the chaos of the external world. Additionally, Eli's authoritative demeanor sometimes leads to conflict with Rachel, especially regarding her relationship with Book. He grapples with feelings of powerlessness when confronted with violence from outside their community, which adds depth to his character and reveals vulnerabilities beneath his stoic exterior.

Character Wound: Fear of losing family to external threats and chaos.

Character Flaws: Overprotectiveness, can be rigid in his views of traditional values.

Suggestions

Explore moments of doubt for Eli about his leadership and decision-making.
Introduce interactions that show his softer side, perhaps through kindness towards Book.

Follow-up Questions

What specific incidents in Eli's past have shaped his fear of external influences?
How do Eli's decisions impact his relationship with Rachel and Samuel?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 6

Throughout the story, Eli largely maintains his traditional values, displaying steadfastness in the face of change. However, the traumatic events push him to reconsider certain stances, particularly concerning his family’s safety. Major moments, like the confrontation with Schaeffer and the violent intrusion into their home, force Eli to weigh his values against the immediate danger threatening his family.

Polarity Changes: Eli experiences emotional highs when his family is safe, and lows when external dangers threaten their lifestyle.

Transformation Triggers: Significant events, such as Jacob's death and the violence encountered from outsiders, challenge Eli’s beliefs.

Suggestions

Clarify Eli's ultimate motivations by providing more insight into his past choices.
Demonstrate moments where Eli's traditions clash with practical needs, potentially causing growth.

Follow-up Questions

How does Eli reconcile his faith with the necessity of protecting his family?
Are there pivotal moments that could lead Eli to reconsider his view on tradition?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Eli's dialogue is characterized by a firm yet calm demeanor, which conveys his authority and deep-rooted beliefs. His speech reflects his cultural background, often employing idiomatic expressions specific to the Amish community. He uses parables or biblical references to impart wisdom, making him a relatable and respected figure among both his family and the community. However, there are nuances in his speech that can demonstrate vulnerability, especially when he expresses concern for his family.

Unique Voice: Uses a formal, dialect-heavy language that reflects his cultural background, often speaking with a commanding tone.

Suggestions

Infuse more emotional weight into Eli's lines during tense scenes to deepen audience connection.
Introduce dialogues that reveal his internal conflict regarding Book's role in their lives.

Follow-up Questions

How does Eli's way of speaking influence the reactions of those around him?
Are there key phrases Eli uses that encapsulate his moral beliefs?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 8

Eli consistently makes choices that reflect his protective nature, often placing family and community above all else. His conflict arises when faced with external dangers that challenge his beliefs and authority. He desires to shield Rachel and Samuel from harm while also grappling with the realization that he may need to confront these threats directly. His decisions often involve weighing the risk of engaging with the outside world against the need to safeguard his loved ones.

Motivations: Primarily motivated by a desire to protect his family and uphold traditional Amish values.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to maintain the safety of his family, yet needs to adapt to changing external threats.

Suggestions

Highlight decision-making moments where Eli must choose between tradition and modern needs.
Portray consequences to his choices that affect his relationship with Rachel.

Follow-up Questions

What specific events lead Eli to make more radical choices?
How do Eli's decisions regarding Book impact his family dynamics?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 7

Eli's primary relationships are with his family, particularly Rachel and Samuel. His relationship with Rachel is marked by tension, as her desire for independence often clashes with his protective instincts. Eli supports traditional values while Rachel questions them, leading to conflict. While he serves as a guiding figure, Eli can also be overbearing, causing strain in their communication. His bond with Samuel is nurturing yet firm, instilling in him the values of their heritage.

Suggestions

Create scenes where Eli explicitly shows vulnerability to deepen his relationships.
Incorporate moments that highlight Eli's trust or doubts regarding Rachel's choices.

Follow-up Questions

How does Eli's protective nature affect his relationship with Rachel?
What moments strengthen Eli’s bond with Samuel despite external pressures?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

Eli’s presence in scenes often serves to anchor the emotional weight, especially during moments of conflict or crisis. His reactions and decisions influence the course of important events, creating tension or resolution within the family dynamic. During confrontations with external threats, Eli’s behavior serves to highlight the struggle between Amish values and the harsh realities of the modern world. His protective demeanor also provides a platform for other characters, such as Rachel, to seek autonomy and change.

Suggestions

Enhance Eli's influence in pivotal scenes to underscore his role in family dynamics.
Create contrasting scenes where Eli's decisions lead to distinct outcomes.

Follow-up Questions

What scenes could particularly benefit from increased focus on Eli’s reactions?
How does Eli’s authoritative presence shift the emotional atmosphere in critical moments?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

Eli fulfills the role of the traditional patriarch within the narrative, often embodying the values and moral framework of the Amish community. He serves as a foil to Book, representing the challenges of maintaining faith and tradition in the face of external chaos. Eli's reluctance to embrace change highlights the tension between his values and the reality of their situation. As a result, he becomes a critical character that reflects both the strengths and vulnerabilities of the Amish lifestyle.

Symbolic Role: Represents the Amish faith, tradition, and the struggles against modernity.

Suggestions

Clarify the overarching societal pressures that challenge Eli's role.
Experiment with Eli’s traditionally authoritative role in scenarios that challenge his belief.

Follow-up Questions

How can Eli's role evolve to reflect changing societal contexts?
In what ways does Eli's character serve as a counterpoint to Book's actions?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Eli's journey weaves seamlessly into the screenplay's broader themes, including the struggle of traditional values against the encroachment of modern society. He represents the tension present within the Amish community as they confront external threats while illustrating the challenges of adapting to a world filled with violence and chaos. His character invites exploration of the costs of maintaining cultural fidelity amidst rapidly shifting landscapes, making his story integral to the thematic fabric of the screenplay.

Suggestions

Deepen Eli's thematic significance by showcasing his internal conflicts regarding tradition.
Delineate Eli’s actions that serve to reinforce or challenge the screenplay’s central themes.

Follow-up Questions

How does Eli's adherence to tradition evolve in response to crisis events in the story?
What incidents could serve to illustrate the theme of cultural preservation through Eli's character?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Eli's character resonates emotionally with the audience through his protective instincts and the embodiment of traditional values. His profound love for his family, juxtaposed with the fear of losing them to the chaotic external world, generates sympathy. Yet, his stern demeanor may create tension, leading the audience to reflect on the delicate balance between protecting loved ones and allowing them the freedom to grow. As Eli navigates these complexities, viewers are drawn into the emotional weight of his choices.

Emotional Impact: Eli evokes a blend of respect, fear, and sympathy from the audience.

Suggestions

Enhance emotional beats for Eli by showcasing his fears during critical scenes.
Craft moments that reveal Eli’s vulnerabilities to build deeper audience connections.

Follow-up Questions

How does the audience’s perception of Eli shift throughout the screenplay?
What key moments could amplify Eli's emotional journey for viewers?

Personality Types

MBTI: isfj

Eli’s nurturing and protective qualities align with the ISFJ personality, indicating deep-rooted values and a strong sense of duty to family and tradition.

Confidence: 85%

Suggestions

Utilize the ISFJ characteristics to deepen his motivations and internal conflicts.
Explore interactions that highlight his introverted and sensing nature.

Follow-up Questions

How might Eli's personality type influence his decisions regarding Book?
What specific ISFJ traits can be amplified in future character interactions?

Samuel - Score: 72/100

Personality

MBTI: ISFP
Enneagram: Type 9 (The Peacemaker)

Scenes

Strongest: #30
Weakest: #12

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Innocent Amish boy navigating turmoil.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Struggles with loss, confusion, and isolation.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 6/10

Growth amidst chaos and confusion.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Childlike innocence in speech.

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Innocent, confused responses to trauma.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Central relationships define his character.

Scene Impact 8/10

Innocence injects tension and emotion.

Role Fulfillment 7/10

Embodies innocence and potential.

Thematic Plot Integration 7/10

Navigates themes of innocence and trauma.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Generates sympathy through vulnerability.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Samuel Lapp is an eight-year-old Amish boy who embodies the innocent curiosity of childhood. He is portrayed as stunned and struggling to comprehend the complexities of the adult world surrounding him, particularly after the death of his father and the ensuing chaos from the police investigation. His innocence is juxtaposed with the harsh realities he is about to face, creating a poignant character who represents the younger generation of the Amish in a rapidly changing world.

Values And Beliefs: Family, simplicity, faith in God, and community.

Strengths And Skills: Innocence, adaptability, and a strong sense of familial loyalty.

Suggestions

Deepen Samuel's relationship with his mother to explore how she protects him from the world's cruelties.
Introduce moments that highlight his growth and learning as he experiences the world outside of his Amish roots.

Follow-up Questions

How does Samuel's innocence influence his understanding of the violence and crime surrounding him?
What specific events trigger shifts in Samuel's beliefs and values throughout the screenplay?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Samuel experiences profound internal conflict stemming from the loss of his father and the chaotic events that unfold afterward. This trauma impacts his emotional state, making him appear stunned or confused. His interactions with adults often leave him feeling isolated, as he struggles to comprehend their fears and actions. Samuel's innocence clashes with the understanding of violence and loss, creating an emotional wound that he has to navigate.

Character Wound: Loss of his father and exposure to violence.

Character Flaws: Naivety, confusion in complex emotional situations.

Suggestions

Highlight Samuel's coping mechanisms as he deals with his father's death.
Explore how Samuel's innocence might be challenged by the harsh realities of adult interactions.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does Samuel's loss affect his relationships with both his mother and John Book?
How does Samuel's journey mirror the larger themes of innocence versus violence in the screenplay?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 6

Samuel begins the story as an innocent child largely unaware of the dangers and complexities of the world around him. However, as he navigates through significant events, especially his father's death and the chaos that ensues, he begins to confront the harsh realities that challenge his innocence. This arc has the potential for growth, forcing him to reconcile his beliefs with the world he witnesses.

Polarity Changes: Samuel's journey fluctuates from innocence to confrontation with adult realities.

Transformation Triggers: The death of his father and subsequent exposure to the violence of the outside world.

Suggestions

Include a pivotal moment where Samuel stands up or makes a choice that reflects his growth.
Increase interactions that highlight his developing understanding of the complexities of human nature.

Follow-up Questions

What experiences are most pivotal for Samuel's transformation from innocence to understanding?
How does Samuel's relationship with Book influence his outlook as he navigates through tragedy?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Samuel's speech shows his innocent perspective, often expressing wonder, confusion, or simple truths that highlight his youth. As he interacts with adults, his lack of experience becomes clear; he asks questions that reveal both his innocence and his desire to understand the complexities of the world. These qualities evoke compassion from the audience, emphasizing the tragedy of his circumstances.

Unique Voice: Samuel's dialogue reflects his innocence and confusion, often framed in simplistic, straightforward language that contrasts sharply with the violence around him.

Suggestions

Add moments where Samuel articulates his confusion more vividly, thereby deepening his emotional resonance.
Draw more comparisons between the language used by adult characters and Samuel's simplistic expressions to underscore his perspective.

Follow-up Questions

How can Samuel's voice more explicitly contrast with the harsh realities expressed by the adults?
What key lines might showcase Samuel's confusion but also his inherent wisdom?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Samuel reacts with confusion and innocence to the tragic events around him. His choices, often driven by a desire to cling to his mother and understand the death of his father, showcase a child trying to navigate an adult world filled with complexity and danger. However, his motivations are often undercut by his naivety, leading him to make choices that reflect his misunderstanding of the situation.

Motivations: To seek understanding and safety amidst chaos.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to return to normalcy in his childhood, yet needs to confront the realities he's thrust into.

Suggestions

Showcase a moment where Samuel's actions directly impact the plot's progression, perhaps by protecting someone or making a brave choice.
Exploit the contrast between his childlike motivations and the harsh realities around him more intensely.

Follow-up Questions

What specific choices does Samuel make that have a lasting impact on his development?
How might his loyalty to his mother affect his decisions later in the story?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Samuel's key relationships include that with his mother, Rachel, and John Book. His bond with Rachel is nurturing but strained by the chaos around them, while his relationship with Book introduces complexities of heroism and safety. These dynamics are crucial to Samuel's growth, as they shape his understanding of the world and highlight the protective instincts of both adults around him.

Suggestions

Enhance moments between Samuel and Rachel that reveal deeper emotional connections and tensions.
Create interactions with Book that foster Samuel's growth from innocence to awareness.

Follow-up Questions

How do Samuel's views of Book change through their interactions?
What are the implications of Samuel's relationship with Rachel on his perspective of danger?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

Samuel's presence often serves to heighten the emotional stakes of scenes. His innocence contrasts sharply against the more violent and aggressive adult world, drawing attention to the tragedy of his circumstances. His reactions—whether confusion, fear, or attachment to his mother—impact the emotional tone of the scene, making audiences feel compassion toward his plight.

Suggestions

Craft scenes where Samuel's innocence leads to unexpected bravery or resolve, emphasizing emotional impact.
Incorporate scenes that shift the tone dramatically based on Samuel's reactions, further enhancing engagement.

Follow-up Questions

What scenes best illustrate Samuel's emotional journey?
How can his presence be used to shift the emotional tone of a conflict or resolution?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 7

As the child caught in tumultuous events, Samuel serves as a symbol of innocence and the vulnerability of youth amidst chaos. His role highlights the tragic consequences of violence and loss, prompting the audience to reflect on the implications of such experiences on children.

Symbolic Role: Samuel symbolizes the loss of innocence and the impact of violence on the next generation.

Suggestions

Use Samuel’s interactions to drive home themes of innocence lost and the resilience of children.
Emphasize his role in discussions about violence and childhood to solidify his narrative importance.

Follow-up Questions

What are the most significant moments where Samuel's innocence is challenged, and what do they signify?
How can his character arc be used to illustrate the broader narrative themes?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 7

Samuel’s journey is intricately woven into the themes of the screenplay, particularly concerning innocence lost, the complexities of adulthood, and the effects of violence on children. His experiences reflect pivotal plot points that underscore the consequences of adult actions on the younger generation, making him a meaningful part of the overall narrative.

Suggestions

Integrate Samuel's perspective into more adult conflicts to illustrate the ways violence permeates familial bonds.
Encourage interactions that highlight his understanding of community and survival as themes of resilience.

Follow-up Questions

Which themes resonate most with Samuel's experiences?
How does his journey impact the overall narrative and character dynamics?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Samuel's vulnerability and innocence generate a strong emotional response from the audience. As he grapples with the loss of his father and the ensuing chaos, viewers feel an acute sense of concern and empathy, heightening the emotional stakes of the screenplay.

Emotional Impact: Samuel evokes deep sympathy and concern.

Suggestions

Deepen emotional moments where he confronts loss to elicit even stronger audience reactions.
Include scenes of support or protection from John Book to further emphasize emotional connections.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments elicit the strongest emotional responses from the audience regarding Samuel?
How would altering Samuel's handling of grief change audience perceptions of his character?

Personality Types

MBTI: isfp

Samuel's innocent and emotionally sensitive demeanor aligns with ISFP traits, characterized by a strong sense of feeling and connection to family and nature.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: infp (50%)

Suggestions

Highlight more moments of creativity or imagination to reinforce his ISFP traits.
Explore further introspective scenes to enhance the INFP perspective.

Follow-up Questions

What moments most reflect Samuel's emotional sensitivity?
How can Samuel's character be developed to enhance his ISFP or potential INFP traits?

Enneagram: type 9 (the peacemaker)

Samuel demonstrates a desire for peace and safety in a chaotic environment, often seeking to shield himself from conflict.

Confidence: 70%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 (the loyalist) (60%)

Suggestions

Deepen explorations of his need for security through interactions that test this trait.
Include moments showcasing his Peacemaker traits in response to adult conflicts.

Follow-up Questions

How do Samuel's decisions reflect his need for peace in chaotic situations?
What external conflicts challenge his type 9 traits throughout the screenplay?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (30)

In a tense moment within the police station, Samuel’s confrontation with the police showcases his crucial perspective on innocence amidst violence.

Why: This scene stands out as it captures his vulnerability while also conveying critical plot information about his father’s death.

Weakest Scene (12)

This scene illustrates Samuel's confusion and lack of agency, where he merely reacts to the adult chaos around him.

Why: Samuel does not actively contribute to the actions or decisions in this scene, which lessens his impact.

Suggestions:

Create compelling moments of choice or reaction that amplify his emotional journey.
Consider letting him express his feelings more vocally to instill a sense of agency.

Theme

Theme Details

Theme Explanation

The tension between tradition and modernity (70%)

The film explores the conflict between the traditional Amish way of life and the modern world. The Lapp family struggles to maintain their traditions while also adapting to the changes that are happening around them.

This theme is reflected in the film's setting, which moves from the rural Amish community to the urban environment of Philadelphia. It is also reflected in the characters of Rachel Lapp and John Book, who represent the traditional and modern worlds, respectively.

Strengthening The tension between tradition and modernity:

Suggestion Type	How to Strengthen the Theme
Action - Scene 1	Emphasize the contrast between the modernized world (police cars, paramedics) and the traditional Amish culture by having them interact in the background.
Dialogue - Scene 2	Have Hochstetler engage in a humorous conversation about modern conveniences, highlighting the clash between tradition and modernity.
Visual - Scene 3	Create a visually striking juxtaposition by showing the Amish buggy dwarfed by the bustling interstate highway, emphasizing the encroachment of modernity.
Character Arc - Scene 6	Expand on Book's internal conflict between his modern policing methods and the traditional values of the Amish community, showing how he grapples with balancing the two.
Story Arc - Scene 28	Integrate a subplot involving the tension between the Amish community and outsiders, exploring how they navigate the challenges of preserving their traditions while interacting with the modern world.

The importance of family and community (60%)

The film shows the importance of family and community in the Amish way of life. The Lapp family is very close-knit, and they support each other through difficult times. The Amish community also comes together to help Rachel and her son, Samuel.

This theme is reflected in the scenes where the Lapp family and the Amish community come together to help Rachel.

The power of forgiveness (50%)

The film explores the power of forgiveness, both in the context of the Amish community and in the relationship between Rachel and John Book. Rachel is able to forgive Book for his past mistakes, and Book is able to forgive himself for his role in the death of his friend.

This theme is reflected in the scenes where Rachel and Book talk about forgiveness and in the scene where Book is able to let go of his guilt.

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site	Description
Studio Binder	Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly	Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August	Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics	Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme	Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script	Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts

Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal Goals	The protagonist's internal goals evolved from processing grief and seeking comfort to navigating a changing world and finding a sense of belonging.
External Goals	The protagonist's external goals evolved from honoring her husband's memory to surviving a life-threatening situation and protecting her family.
Philosophical Conflict	The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around the clash of traditional Amish values with modern societal norms, challenging the protagonist's beliefs in justice and morality.

Character Development Contribution: The evolving internal and external goals challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values, leading to personal growth and self-discovery.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The protagonist's goals and conflicts drive the narrative forward, creating tension and suspense while exploring deeper themes of identity and belonging.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The protagonist's journey through internal conflict and external challenges adds thematic depth to the screenplay, exploring themes of tradition, survival, and the pursuit of justice.

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site	Description
Creative Screenwriting	How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder	What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict	How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great	By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals	By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?

What's going on here? - Scenes are rated on many critreia. The goal isn't to try to maximize every number; \ It's to make you aware of what's happening in your scenes. You might have very good reasons to have character development but not advance the story, or have a scene without conflict. Obviously if your dialogue is really bad, you should probably look into that.

Abbreviate Headers

Story Content

Character Development

Scene Elements

Audience Engagement

Technical Aspects

			Story Content			Character Development				Scene Elements					Audience Engagement				Technical Aspects
Click for Full Analysis	Tone	Overall	Concept	Plot	Originality	Characters	Character Changes	Internal Goal	External Goal	Conflict	Opposition	High stakes	Story forward	Twist	Emotional Impact	Dialogue	Engagement	Pacing	Formatting	Structure
1 - Amidst Grief: An Amish Funeral	Somber, Reflective, Respectful	8	8	7	9	8	6	8	7	5	7	6	6	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
2 - Condolences at the Lapp Farmhouse	Somber, Reflective, Light-hearted	8	8	7	8	9	6	8	7	5	6	4	7	6	8	8	8	8	9	9
3 - A Journey Through Time	Emotional, Awkward, Tender	8	8	7	8	9	7	8	7	6	7	5	7	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
4 - A Nostalgic Farewell	Sentimental, Reflective, Hopeful	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7.5	6	8	5	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
5 - Murder in the Men's Restroom	Suspenseful, Tense, Mysterious, Serious	8	8	9	9	8	6	8	7	8	9	9	9	8	7	7	9	8	8	8
6 - Power Struggle at the Crime Scene	Tense, Confrontational, Serious	8	8	8	8	7	6	8	9	9	8	8	8	8	7	9	9	9	9	9
7 - Midnight Meeting	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Serious	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
8 - Violent Encounter at Happy Valley Bar	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Violent	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	7	9	8	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
9 - Unexpected Arrival	Tense, Emotional, Confrontational	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
10 - The Morning After	Tense, Emotional, Dramatic, Confrontational	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	8	8	7	7	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
11 - Emotional Confrontations and Concerns	Tense, Emotional, Confrontational, Reflective	8	8	7	7	9	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
12 - Narcotics Division Request	Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	9	8	8	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
13 - Confrontation and Comfort	Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful, Dramatic	8	8	8	9	8	8	8	7.5	9	8	9	9	8	9	9	9	8	8	8
14 - An Explosive Revelation	Tense, Excited, Serious, Suspenseful	8	8	9	8	8	6	8	7	8	7	9	9	7	7	7	9	8	8	8
15 - Deadly Ambush in the Underground	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense, Emotional	8	7	8	8	8	7	8	7.5	9	8	9	8	8	9	7	9	9	7.5	8
16 - Urgent Departure	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense	8	8	9	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	7	7
17 - Sunrise at Eli's Farm	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Grim	8	8	8	8	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	9
18 - Hiding Book	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional	9	8	9	8	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
19 - Book's Delirium and Profanities	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense	8	8	9	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	8	9	8	8	8
20 - John Book Recovering from Gunshot Wound	Tense, Dramatic, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
21 - Samuel's Gun Lesson	Tense, Dramatic, Intense, Emotional	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	8	8	8	7	8	9	7	9	8	8	8
22 - Eli and Samuel's Conversation About Guns	Intense, Serious, Emotional	8	9	7	8	8	8	9	8	8	8	8	7	8	9	7	9	8	9	9
23 - Preparations and Phone Access	Tense, Serious, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	8	9	8	8	7	8	7	9	7	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
24 - Awkward Amish Encounter	Tense, Serious, Suspenseful, Awkward, Urgent	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7.5	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
25 - An Imbalance of Labor	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense	8	8	8	8	9	7	8	7	8	7	9	8	6	8	7	8	8	9	9
26 - Morning at the Barn	Serious, Tense, Reflective, Humorous	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	6	7	5	7	7	7	7	9	8	8	8
27 - Carpentry and Competition	Tense, Suspenseful, Confrontational, Inquisitive	8	7	8	7	9	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
28 - Forbidden Dance	Tense, Emotional, Serious, Confrontational, Reflective	8	8	7	8	9	7	8	7	7	8	7	7	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
29 - The Barn Raising	Tense, Intense, Emotional, Serious	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	8	8	8	8	7	7	7	9	8	8	8
30 - Torture in the Warehouse	Tense, Suspenseful, Intense, Emotional	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	7	8	8	7	8	8	9	7	9	9	8	9
31 - Samuel's Unexpected Hug	Tender, Reflective, Emotional	8	7	7	9	9	8	8	7	3	6	2	5	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
32 - Unspoken Longing	Tension, Intimacy, Conflict, Dramatic	8	7	7	8	9	7	8	7	7	8	6	7	7	8	8	9	8	8	8
33 - Confrontation at Groffdale General Store	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	8	7	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	8	9	8	8	8
34 - Dangerous Arrival	Intense, Emotional, Tense, Passionate, Suspenseful	8	7	8	8	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
35 - Eli's Attack	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	8	7	9	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
36 - Hide-and-Seek in the Barn	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense	8	8	7	8	8	6	8	7.5	9	8	9	8	8	7	6	9	8.5	8	8
37 - Fergie's Demise in the Silo	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
38 - Hostage Situation	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	7	9	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
39 - Clash at the Farm	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense	9	8	9	8	8	7	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
40 - Confrontation at the Barn	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense	9	8	9	9	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	9	8	9	9	8	8
41 - The Goodbye	Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	8	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	7	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
42 - Book and Hochleitner's Encounter	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional	9	8	9	7	9	8	8	6	9	6	9	9	5	9	8	7	7	8	8

Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Here are some things that came out of the scene level analysis.
This is a summary of the strengths, weaknesses, and suggestions found in each scene. Some things might appear in both strengths and weaknesses based on the variety of your scenes.
For summary of each criteria click in the top row on the criteria.

Scene Strengths

Intense conflict, emotional depth, high stakes
Compelling plot progression
Tension-building, emotional depth, character dynamics
Authentic dialogue, well-defined characters, balanced tone
Engaging dialogue, character development, tension and conflict

Scene Weaknesses

Limited character development in this specific scene
Lack of intense conflict
Lack of external conflict
Some pacing issues
Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Suggestions

Consider ways to increase character development in scenes with limited development
Explore opportunities to increase the level of conflict in the plot
Try to introduce external conflicts that can drive the plot forward
Be mindful of pacing to avoid dragging or rushing certain parts of the story
Work on developing more unique and original dialogue

World Building

Physical environment: The screenplay depicts a diverse range of physical environments, including Amish communities, rural landscapes, urban centers, and a variety of indoor settings such as homes, offices, and warehouses. These environments are vividly described, with particular attention to the unique characteristics and atmosphere of each location.
Culture: The film explores the clash between traditional Amish culture and modern society. The Amish characters are portrayed as living a simple and deeply religious lifestyle, while the English characters are depicted as more secular and materialistic. The screenplay delves into the tensions and conflicts that arise as these two cultures interact.
Society: The screenplay presents a complex and nuanced portrayal of society. The Amish community is depicted as a close-knit and supportive group, but it is also shown to be governed by strict rules and traditions. The English characters, on the other hand, are shown to be more individualistic and less bound by tradition. The film explores the ways in which these different societal structures shape the characters' lives and relationships.
Technology: The film depicts a range of technological elements, from the simple tools used by the Amish to the advanced weapons employed by the police. The use of technology is often contrasted between the Amish and English characters, with the Amish rejecting modern technology in favor of traditional methods and the English characters embracing technology as a way to improve their lives.
Characters influence: The unique physical environment, culture, society, and technology of the screenplay have a profound impact on the characters' experiences and actions. The Amish characters are shaped by their traditional lifestyle and beliefs, while the English characters are shaped by their modern outlook and values. The characters' interactions are often driven by the tensions between these two cultures.
Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute to the overall narrative of the screenplay by creating a setting that is rich in conflict and tension. The clash between Amish and English culture provides the backdrop for a number of dramatic events, including a murder investigation, a police chase, and a violent confrontation. The world elements also help to develop the characters, as they are forced to navigate the challenges and obstacles posed by their surroundings.
Thematic depth contribution: The world elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring the timeless themes of good versus evil, tradition versus modernity, and the search for redemption. The Amish characters represent the values of simplicity, humility, and community, while the English characters represent the values of ambition, individualism, and materialism. The film asks viewers to consider the strengths and weaknesses of both cultures, and to question the choices they make in their own lives.

Voice Analysis
Summary:	The writer's voice in this screenplay is characterized by a blend of evocative descriptions, detailed characterizations, and a focus on emotional depth. The narrative direction is poetic and reflective, creating a somber and introspective tone.
Voice Contribution	The writer's voice contributes to the script by enhancing the mood, themes, and depth of the story. The vivid imagery and emotional language draw the reader into the world of the characters, making them relatable and sympathetic. The writer's ability to capture the complexities of human nature and explore moral dilemmas adds weight and significance to the plot.
Best Representation Scene	14 - An Explosive Revelation
Best Scene Explanation	Scene 14 is the best representation of the writer's voice because it combines all the key elements that define their unique style. The detailed description of the setting, the nuanced character interactions, and the exploration of moral dilemmas are all present in this scene. It also serves as a turning point in the story, as Rachel begins to question her beliefs and her relationship with John Book.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern	Explanation
High Stakes and Emotional Impact	Scenes with high stakes tend to have a higher emotional impact on the audience.
Suspense and Emotional Impact	Suspenseful scenes also tend to have a higher emotional impact on the audience.
Tense and Emotional	Tense scenes are often also emotionally charged, creating a powerful and immersive experience for the audience.
Dramatic and Intense	Dramatic scenes often feature intense moments, further heightening the emotional stakes and keeping the audience engaged.
Dialogue and Emotional Impact	Strong dialogue contributes significantly to the emotional impact of a scene, allowing characters to express their feelings and motivations in a compelling way.

Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

The screenplay demonstrates the writer's strong storytelling abilities, particularly in creating engaging character dynamics, exploring moral dilemmas, and building tension and suspense. The writer's unique voice and perspective shine through in the detailed descriptions, evocative dialogue, and emotionally resonant moments. By studying the provided scene-by-scene analyses and implementing the recommended improvements, the writer can further refine their craft and enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Key Improvement Areas

Scene Structure and Formatting

Several scenes indicate a need for improvement in scene structure, pacing, and adherence to screenplay formatting conventions.

Dialogue Refinement

While the dialogue often effectively conveys character dynamics and emotions, there are instances where it could benefit from further refinement to enhance authenticity, subtext, and emotional impact.

Character Development

Some scenes suggest opportunities to deepen character motivations, explore internal conflicts, and create more nuanced and relatable characters.

Exploration of Cultural Themes and Authenticity

Scenes involving cultural clashes and Amish traditions provide a unique opportunity to explore these themes with sensitivity, accuracy, and depth.

Suggestions

Type	Suggestion	Rationale
Screenplay	'The Screenwriter's Bible' by David Trottier	This comprehensive guide provides a solid foundation in screenplay formatting, structure, and industry best practices.
Screenplay	'Witness' screenplay by William Kelley and Earl W. Wallace	This screenplay serves as a valuable example of how to effectively portray Amish culture, explore moral conflicts, and create compelling character dynamics within a rural setting.
Exercise	Dialogue-writing exercise: Practice writing dialogue-driven scenes that convey subtext, emotional depth, and conflicting motivations.Practice In SceneProv	Engaging in this exercise will help refine the writer's ability to create authentic and emotionally resonant dialogue.
Video	Study films and videos that effectively explore cultural clashes and Amish traditions.	Visual analysis of successful storytelling techniques can provide valuable insights for handling similar themes and settings.
Course	Consider enrolling in a screenwriting course or workshop	Structured learning and feedback from experienced instructors can accelerate the writer's development and provide guidance in specific areas of improvement.

Additional Notes: The writer exhibits a strong grasp of storytelling fundamentals and has a unique voice that shines through in the writing. With continued dedication to refining their craft, exploring diverse perspectives, and seeking feedback, they have the potential to create impactful and memorable screenplays that resonate with audiences.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope	Trope Details	Trope Explanation
Romantic Subplot	The subplot involving Daniel Hochstetler's pursuit of Rachel Lapp.	A secondary love story that runs alongside the main plot and provides comic relief or romantic tension.
Fish out of Water	Book is an outsider in the Amish community.	A character who is placed in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment and must learn to adapt.
Forbidden Love	Book and Rachel's relationship is forbidden because of their different cultures.	A romance between two people who are from different social or cultural backgrounds and face obstacles to being together.
Culture Clash	The conflict between the Amish and the English communities.	A conflict between two cultures with different values and beliefs.
Redemption	Book's journey from a corrupt cop to a hero.	A character who has done wrong in the past and seeks to make amends.
Badass Preacher	Eli Lapp, the Amish bishop, is a skilled fighter.	A religious figure who is also a skilled fighter or warrior.
Child in Jeopardy	Samuel Lapp is a witness to a murder and is in danger.	A child character who is placed in danger and must be rescued.
Corrupt Cop	Captain Terry Donahue is a corrupt police officer.	A police officer who is involved in criminal activity.
Driven Detective	John Book is a driven detective who is determined to solve the case.	A detective who is obsessed with solving a case and will stop at nothing to do so.
Heroic Sacrifice	Eli Lapp sacrifices himself to save Book.	A character who sacrifices their own life to save someone else.

Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number	Line
5	Book: I'm a police officer. I'm going to have to talk to the boy.
15	Book: My old friend and mentor, Paul Schaeffer, is dirty, stinking fucking dirty.
33	John Book: You're making a mistake.
7	Rachel: You have no right to keep us here.
24	Rachel: You'd better go.

Some Loglines to consider:

A Philadelphia police officer, forced to go into hiding with an Amish woman and her son after witnessing a murder, must confront his own biases and adapt to a completely foreign way of life to protect them from corrupt colleagues.
When a police officer stumbles upon a conspiracy involving corrupt cops, he finds unlikely allies in an Amish family who harbor him from those he once trusted, forcing him to re-evaluate his own moral compass.
A city cop on the run from his own department takes refuge with an Amish family, where he must navigate the unfamiliar cultural landscape and confront his own prejudices in order to survive.
A cop's world is turned upside down when he witnesses a murder by his fellow officers and must seek refuge with an Amish community, where he learns invaluable lessons about community, faith, and what it means to be a good person.
Forced to go on the run after witnessing a police murder, a Philadelphia cop finds unexpected sanctuary and personal transformation in the Amish community he initially despises.
A hardened Philadelphia detective, forced to hide in Amish country after witnessing a murder, finds his cynical worldview challenged by the community's peaceful ways.
When a young Amish boy witnesses a murder, a detective must protect him from corrupt cops while navigating the unfamiliar and peaceful world of the Amish.
Torn between two worlds, a detective must choose between his duty to uphold the law and his growing feelings for an Amish woman who has sheltered him from danger.
A fish-out-of-water thriller that explores the clash of cultures as a jaded detective seeks refuge in the serene world of the Amish, only to find himself drawn into a dangerous conspiracy.
A love story set against a backdrop of violence and corruption, as a detective and an Amish woman find solace in each other's arms while facing impossible choices.
A hardened detective finds refuge in an Amish community while protecting a young witness, but the clash of cultures and a relentless pursuit threaten to unravel everything.
When a young Amish boy witnesses a brutal murder, a detective must hide in the boy's community to protect him, leading to a collision of worlds and values.
In the serene world of the Amish, a detective on the run must navigate cultural divides and moral dilemmas to protect a young witness from a ruthless killer.
A city detective and an Amish widow form an unlikely bond as they fight to protect her son, the sole witness to a murder, from a relentless criminal network.
Caught between two worlds, a detective must rely on the peaceful Amish community to shield a young witness, but the violent world he left behind is never far away.

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3 EXT. COli"NTRY LANE - DAY 3
An Amish buggy, black and highwheeled, stark against
the landscape, appears, a spirited chestnut in the
traces.
Framed in the glass window of the narrow buggy is the
stern figure of an Amish man in black topcoat and
flatbrimmed hat, his bonneted wife in muted colors, and
the face of a boy, attired like his father, peering
out.
The horse's breath smokes on the frosty air, the buggy
CREAKS on its springs, and there's the rhythmic CLIP-
CLOP OF HOOVES on the pavement,

4 ANOTHER LAh"E 4
Two Amish buggies reach a crossroads, join a procession
of three others. They disappear as the lane wends
through a leafless thicket of hickory.

s VALLEY s
A BIG SHOT,,, now the procession numbers almost a dozen
buggies ••• it is headed toward a distant farmhouse,

6 BARNYARD 6
Where literally dozens of carriages are parked. The
,,... horses have been taken from the traces, removed to the
shelter of the barn,
2.
,...,I
7 :j:NT. BARN 7
The horses are stalled or tethered ••• a long row of
men's black overcoats hanging on wall hooks.

B ?N'l'. SCREENED PORCH 8
Where dozens of pairs of overshoes, men's, women's and
childrens', have been set in ro.ws.
END TITLE SEQUENCE.

9 INT. l.APP FARMHOUSE 9
Partitions have been removed, making the central rooms
of the farmhouse a spacious hall. The place is packed,
a hundred-fifty or more Amish, all sitting in absolute
silence on rows of wooden benches.
A wooden coffin rests on a bench in the f.g., and near
it the close relatives of the deceased occupy a special
place.

RACHE:. LAPP

A roung woman of perhaps twenty-seven. Ber face is
pa.e and drawn. In happier circumstances, although
there haven't been too many of late in Rachel's life,
we would see a robust, sensual woman of full figure,
spirit and intelligence.
Eight-year-old SAMUEL LAPP sits next to his mother; he
would appear stunned, possibly not entirely comprehend-
ing events.
And the patriarch, ELI LAPP; his stubborn, weathered --
yet not unkind -- features grief-stricken.

TU MOURNERS
Their faces •.•

CLOCK

as it begins to CHIME nine a.m.

FAVORING PREACHER
I
,-.. as he removes his hat. As one, the men in the congre-
gation remove their hats also.
(CONTINUED)
. .. . . •• • •. : · . ,l ••

,-...
9

Then the preacher be~ins to speak in a for.rial Gennan
dialect:
(SOBTIT:.Es OV=:R)
BISHOP TSCHA.~TZ
a brother has been called home.
God has spoken through the death of
our neighbor, Jacob Lapp •••
THZ FAMI!.Y
Where Rachel, Samuel and Eli are sitting. SOUNDS of emo-
tion and grief not q~ite suppressed are heard throughout as:
BISHC? TSCHA.~TZ
••• husband of Rachel, father to
Samuel, son of. Eli.
(and)
His chair is empty, his bed is
e.~pty, his voice will be heard no
more. He was needed in our
presence, but God needs such men,
too. That one should be taken so
younq is a 9reat sorrow. Still, we
would not wish him bac~. Rather we
sho~ld pre,are ourselves to follow him.

10 * 10

Genres: Drama
Tone: Somber, Reflective, Respectful

Summary An Amish procession of buggies arrives at a farmhouse for the funeral of Jacob Lapp. The family, including Rachel, Samuel, and Eli, grieves in silence as Bishop Tschantz delivers a eulogy in German, highlighting Jacob's absence and the sorrow of his passing. The scene conveys a somber and mournful atmosphere, with visual elements such as the coffin, buggies, and rows of mourners.

Strengths

Effective setting establishment
Strong emotional impact
Cultural authenticity

Weaknesses

Potential lack of immediate action
Limited character development in this specific scene

General Critique

The scene opens with a strong visual of an Amish procession of buggies, setting the tone for the funeral procession. However, the description of the scene lacks emotional depth and connection to the characters. It focuses more on the physical surroundings rather than the internal emotions of the characters.
The dialogue of the preacher in German adds authenticity to the scene, but the translation provided in subtitles could be more impactful. It should convey the gravity of the situation and the emotions of the family members mourning the loss of Jacob Lapp.
The description of the family members, especially Rachel, Samuel, and Eli, lacks depth and characterization. More details about their emotions, reactions, and relationships with the deceased could enhance the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.
The scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere. Descriptions of sounds, smells, and physical sensations could help bring the funeral procession to life and evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience.
Overall, the scene sets the stage for a somber and emotional event, but it could be improved by focusing more on the internal struggles and relationships of the characters involved.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear conflict or dramatic question to drive the action.
The dialogue is stilted and lacks subtext, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The pacing is slow and the scene lacks any sense of urgency or momentum.
The characters are one-dimensional and their motivations are unclear.
The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for his work on story structure and character development.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more effective.
The scene lacks a clear beginning, middle, and end, making it difficult for the audience to follow.
The scene does not use the setting effectively to create atmosphere or mood.
The scene does not have a strong visual element, making it difficult for the audience to visualize.
The scene does not use sound effectively to create atmosphere or mood.

Syd Field is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for his work on screenwriting structure and format.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to connect with the audience on a personal level.
The characters are not relatable and their actions are not believable.
The scene does not explore the themes of the story in a meaningful way.
The scene does not use symbolism or metaphor to create depth and meaning.
The scene does not use foreshadowing to create suspense or anticipation.

Linda Seger is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for her work on character development and emotional storytelling.

General Suggestions

Add more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the internal thoughts and feelings of the characters, especially Rachel, Samuel, and Eli.
Enhance the dialogue of the preacher in German to convey the gravity of the situation and the impact of Jacob Lapp's death on the community.
Include more sensory details to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere, such as describing the sounds of grief, the smell of the countryside, and the physical sensations of the characters.
Focus on character development and relationships to make the scene more engaging and relatable to the audience.
Consider revising the description to prioritize emotional connections and character dynamics over physical surroundings.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict or dramatic question of the scene and make it clear to the audience.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable, and to give the characters more depth.
Tighten the pacing of the scene and add some sense of urgency or momentum.
Develop the characters more fully and give them clear motivations.
Rewrite the scene so that it advances the plot or develops the characters in a meaningful way.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for his work on story structure and character development.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Trim the scene down to its essential elements, removing any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Add a clear beginning, middle, and end to the scene, making it easier for the audience to follow.
Use the setting more effectively to create atmosphere or mood, such as by describing the weather or the surroundings.
Add a strong visual element to the scene, such as a striking image or a memorable action sequence.
Use sound effectively to create atmosphere or mood, such as by using music or sound effects.

Syd Field is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for his work on screenwriting structure and format.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Explore the emotional stakes of the scene and find ways to connect with the audience on a personal level.
Develop the characters more fully and give them relatable motivations and flaws.
Identify the themes of the story and find ways to explore them in the scene.
Use symbolism or metaphor to create depth and meaning in the scene.
Use foreshadowing to create suspense or anticipation in the scene.

Linda Seger is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, known for her work on character development and emotional storytelling.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a somber and reflective tone, introduces key characters, and establishes the cultural context.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a traditional Amish funeral is well-executed and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the funeral proceedings and the grief of the family, setting up potential conflicts and emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its portrayal of Amish funeral customs, the emotional depth of the characters, and the philosophical reflections on life and death. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced effectively, showcasing their relationships and emotions in the face of loss.

Character Changes: 6

The characters are beginning to grapple with the loss of a loved one, setting the stage for potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to come to terms with the loss of her husband and find strength to move forward. This reflects her deeper need for resilience, her fear of facing life as a widow, and her desire to find peace amidst grief.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to honor her husband's memory and fulfill her role as a grieving widow in the Amish community. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the funeral and the challenges of facing the congregation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict due to the loss of a family member, the scene is more focused on mourning and community solidarity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Rachel faces the internal conflict of grief and the external challenge of fulfilling her role as a widow in the Amish community. The audience is unsure of how she will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high due to the loss of a family member and the impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets the stage for potential conflicts and emotional arcs to unfold in the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional reactions of the characters, the unexpected twists in the preacher's eulogy, and the unresolved grief of the protagonist. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how Rachel will cope with her loss.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the acceptance of God's will and the belief in the afterlife. This challenges Rachel's beliefs about life, death, and the purpose of suffering.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong sense of sadness and empathy for the characters' grief.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is formal and reflective of the Amish culture, setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, rich descriptions, and the tension between grief and faith. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the funeral ceremony keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, creating emotional impact, and allowing moments of reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-structured to convey the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic funeral gathering, with a clear progression from the arrival of the mourners to the preacher's eulogy. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the somber atmosphere.

11 INT. LAPP FARMHOCSE 11
Where the Amish have gathered for the traditional post-
funeral, midday meal.
(CONTINUED)
11 CONTINUED: 11
Long tables are laden with customary Amish fare •••
crocks of soup, hams, fowl, fried potatoes, boiled eggs
and pickled beets, preserves and infinite variety of
pies and pastries.

RACHEL

Where she sits among women, accepting their condolences.

DANIEL HOCHSTETLER
A brawny-armed, ruggedly-handsome, somewhat raffish
looking Amishman. There is something atypical about
his face - a slightly sardonic set of mouth, a bold
eye, a prominent set of jaw. Not exactly what old
Jacob Ammann had in mind, maybe, but a well set-up man
nonetheless, and at ease among men.
He's among a group of men including old STOLTZFUS, the
local healer, FISHER, BEILER and Beiler's stout young
son, TOM.
STOLTZFUS
,... Lapp was a good farmer.
better.
None

BEILER
But not the man to buy a horse for
you.
(and)
Hochstetler, wasn't it your father
sold him that horse with a ruptured
testicle?
TOM
(gr ins)
Told him it was a bee sting made
him limp that way.
HOCHSTETLER
(amused)
That horse had one good ball.
That'& all it takes.
The others chuckle. But Hochstetler'• attention is
still on Rachel.

RACHEL
,... as Hochstetler looms on the horizon, plants himself
like a tree in front of her.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/64 s.
11 (CONTINUED) 11
At ease as he was with the men, he's a bit awkward at
this.
All the women, very much aware of Hochstetler'&
availability, tune in as Rachel looks up.
HOCHSTETLER
I was sorry to hear about Jacob.
Let us hope he walks close with
God.
RACHEL
I'm sure he does, Daniel.
12 FIELDS, LAPP FARM - DAY 12
It is some time after the funeral and the Lapp family
is hard at work breaking ground for the spring plough-
ing. The death of Jacob has increased the work load on
all three -- Samuel maneuvers a four-mule team while
Rachel and old Eli work nearby, further breaking up the
earth.
Rachel looks up from the back-breaking labor as several
figures approach -- it's Daniel Hochstetler and two of
his brothers. Without a word they fall in beside Eli
and Rachel and take up various tasks associated with
the work in hand. Daniel works close beside Rachel.

Genres: Drama
Tone: Somber, Reflective, Light-hearted

Summary Daniel Hochstetler, a charming Amish man, offers his condolences to Rachel Lapp at the post-funeral meal at the Lapp farmhouse. They discuss the deceased, Jacob Lapp, and his horse-buying habits. Hochstetler's attempts to connect with Rachel are met with a mix of awkwardness and awareness from the gathered women. The scene ends with Hochstetler joining Rachel and her family in preparing for spring ploughing.

Strengths

Authentic dialogue
Well-defined characters
Balanced tone

Weaknesses

Lack of intense conflict
Limited character development in this scene

General Critique

The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, especially considering it follows a funeral. There is a disconnect between the somber tone of the previous scene and the light-hearted banter in this one.
The introduction of Daniel Hochstetler feels forced and his interactions with Rachel lack authenticity. The transition from expressing condolences to joining in the work feels abrupt and unnatural.
The dialogue between the men discussing Jacob Lapp's horse-buying habits comes across as trivial and does not add much to the overall story or character development.
The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, making it feel disjointed and out of place in the context of the script.
There is a missed opportunity to explore the grief and emotions of the characters in a more meaningful way, given the recent loss of Jacob Lapp.

Expert Critiques

Critique by William M. Akers

The scene is slow-paced and lacks energy. The dialogue is wooden and expository, and the characters are underdeveloped.
The pacing of the scene is off. The first half of the scene is spent on establishing the characters and setting, while the second half is rushed and lacks detail.
The dialogue is repetitive and lacks subtext. The characters simply state their feelings and intentions without any real depth or nuance.
The characters are one-dimensional and lack motivation. They simply go through the motions without any real purpose or drive.
The scene lacks conflict. There is no real tension or drama, and the characters simply go through the motions without any real stakes.

Chosen for their renowned ability in scene pacing, dialogue writing, and character development, which are critical for this scene to succeed.

Critique by Linda Aronson

The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
The dialogue is unnatural and doesn't sound like real people talking.
The characters are not well-developed and the audience doesn't get to know them well enough.
The scene doesn't have a clear goal or purpose, and it's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve.
The scene is too predictable and the audience can guess what's going to happen next.

Selected for their expertise in scene structure, dialogue writing, and character development, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is too static and lacks action. The characters are simply talking to each other, and there is no real sense of movement or progression.
The scene lacks conflict. The characters are all in agreement, and there is no real tension or drama.
The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
The dialogue is repetitive and lacks subtext. The characters simply state their feelings and intentions without any real depth or nuance.
The characters are one-dimensional and lack motivation. They simply go through the motions without any real purpose or drive.

Chosen for their expertise in scene structure, pacing, and conflict, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider revising the scene to focus more on the emotional aftermath of the funeral and the impact of Jacob Lapp's death on the characters.
Develop Daniel Hochstetler's character more organically and integrate his interactions with Rachel in a way that feels genuine and meaningful.
Explore deeper themes or conflicts within the scene to add depth and resonance to the story.
Ensure that the tone and pacing of the scene align with the overall narrative arc of the script.
Consider incorporating more subtle and nuanced interactions between the characters to convey the complexity of their emotions and relationships.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by William M. Akers

Start the scene with a bang. Introduce the characters and setting quickly, and then get to the conflict.
Give the characters clear goals and motivations. What do they want? Why are they doing what they're doing?
Write the dialogue so that it sounds like real people talking. Use contractions, slang, and colloquialisms.
Develop the characters so that the audience gets to know them well. Give them backstories, flaws, and desires.
Create conflict between the characters. This can be done through dialogue, action, or both.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Linda Aronson

Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue. The scene is too long and could be shortened by about 20%.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural. Use contractions, slang, and colloquialisms.
Develop the characters more fully. Give them backstories, flaws, and desires.
Give the scene a clear goal or purpose. What are the characters trying to achieve?
Add some conflict or tension to the scene. This can be done through dialogue, action, or both.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Add some action to the scene. The characters could be walking, talking, or even fighting.
Create conflict between the characters. This can be done through dialogue, action, or both.
Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural. Use contractions, slang, and colloquialisms.
Develop the characters so that the audience gets to know them well. Give them backstories, flaws, and desires.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances the somber tone of a funeral gathering with moments of light-heartedness, showcasing the complexity of human emotions.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dynamics of an Amish community during a post-funeral gathering is well-executed, providing insight into their traditions and interpersonal relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the aftermath of a funeral and the interactions between characters, setting the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on Amish culture and traditions, with authentic dialogue and character interactions that feel genuine.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Daniel Hochstetler standing out as a charismatic and slightly atypical figure in the community. Rachel's interactions with him hint at potential romantic tension.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character dynamics and potential changes, particularly in Rachel and Daniel's interactions, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Rachel, seems to be processing her grief and accepting condolences from the women around her. Her internal goal in this scene may be to find comfort and support in the midst of loss.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene could be to navigate social interactions and relationships within the community after the funeral.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there are hints of potential conflicts, the scene primarily focuses on establishing the setting and character dynamics rather than intense conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with subtle conflicts and tensions that add depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, establishing relationships, and hinting at potential conflicts and developments to come.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and plot progression, but the subtle humor adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between traditional Amish values and the atypical appearance and behavior of Daniel Hochstetler. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about conformity and acceptance within the community.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness over the loss of Jacob to amusement at the humorous conversation about the horse, creating a nuanced emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the Amish community's dialect and customs. It effectively conveys both the somber mood and the light-hearted banter among the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to the rich character dynamics, emotional depth, and subtle humor that keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and character development while maintaining a sense of momentum.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for a character-driven drama.

12A EXT. COUNTRY ROADS, LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 12A
A few BRIEF SHOTS of a lone buggy containing the Lapp
family take us from the 18th century into the 20th from
the reassuring RATTLE OF THE CARRIAGE WHEELS on a quiet
backroad, to the ROAR OF TRAFFIC as the buggy waits
patiently for a chance to cross a busy interstate
highway.
12B EXT. HIGHWAY, LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 12B
A huge tractor trailor rig hovers over the frail
buggy as it trots down the interstate. The camera
cranes up to reveal a procession of vehicles behind
the truck waiting for a chance to overtake it.

0

,...
!
SA.

13 OMITTED 13
14 EXT. PLATFORM, LANCASTER STATION - DAY 14
Daniel Hochstetler moves through the crowd on the
platform, Rachel turns surprised, as he approaches,
a faint color coming to her cheek.
RACHEL
Daniel?
(CONTINUED)

•
-
,-...
Do

14 (CONTINUED) 14
,... I HOCHSTETLER
I ••• I was at the feed store.
And I saw your horse, so .••
There is an embarrassment between them broken by the
arrival of the train.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
You will come back soon?
Samuel can barely contain his excitement as he drags at
his mother's hand.
SAMUEL
Quickly, 1'fother I Quickly I
Rachel e~braces Eli.
ELI
You be careful out among them
English.
She turns to Hochstetler.
RACHEL
I need time, Daniel.

Genres: Drama, Romance
Tone: Emotional, Awkward, Tender

Summary As the Hochstetler family transitions from the 18th to the 20th century, their horse-drawn buggy travels a busy interstate highway, symbolizing the changing times. Daniel Hochstetler meets Rachel at the train station, expressing interest, but Rachel hesitates. Eli cautions Rachel about the English, and the family boards the train, leaving Hochstetler behind.

Strengths

Emotional depth of characters
Authentic dialogue
Subtle romantic tension

Weaknesses

Lack of external conflict
Some pacing issues

General Critique

The transition from the 18th century to the 20th century is a significant shift in time, but it feels a bit abrupt in the scene. Consider adding a smoother transition or a visual cue to indicate the change in time more effectively.
The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional impact. It would benefit from more interactions between the characters to build relationships and create a stronger connection with the audience.
The dialogue between Rachel and Daniel Hochstetler feels a bit forced and lacks depth. Consider adding more subtext or emotional layers to their conversation to make it more engaging and realistic.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere. Adding details about the surroundings and the characters' actions can help paint a clearer picture for the audience.
The tension between Rachel, Samuel, and Eli about leaving for the city could be explored further to add more conflict and drama to the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear dramatic purpose. What is the conflict that is being explored? What is the protagonist's goal? What are the obstacles that stand in their way?
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real people would, which makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them or care about their story.
The pacing is slow and meandering. There is no sense of urgency or momentum, which makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
The setting is not well-developed. The audience is never given a clear sense of where the scene is taking place or what the surroundings are like.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience is never given a clear sense of who the characters are, what their motivations are, or what their relationships to each other are.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting teacher and author. His book, 'Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting,' is considered a classic in the field.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident. What event sets the story in motion and forces the protagonist to take action?
The protagonist's goal is not clear. What does she want to achieve in this scene? What is her motivation?
The obstacles that stand in the protagonist's way are not clear. What is preventing her from achieving her goal?
The stakes are not high enough. The audience does not feel a sense of urgency or importance about the protagonist's goal.
The climax of the scene is weak. The protagonist does not overcome the obstacles in a satisfying way.

Linda Seger is a successful screenwriter and author. She is known for her work on films such as 'Terms of Endearment' and 'The Prince of Tides.'

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a clear central dramatic question. What is the question that the scene is trying to answer?
The protagonist's journey is not clear. What does she learn or change in this scene?
The scene is not structured in a way that builds tension and suspense.
The dialogue is not effective in revealing character or advancing the plot.
The ending of the scene is not satisfying.

John Truby is a screenwriter, story consultant, and author. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story,' is considered a classic in the field.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a brief montage or visual transition to smoothly depict the shift from the 18th century to the 20th century.
Develop the interactions between Rachel, Daniel Hochstetler, and the other characters to create more depth and emotional resonance.
Enhance the dialogue by adding subtext and emotional layers to make the conversation more engaging and realistic.
Include more visual descriptions to enrich the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
Explore the tension between the characters about leaving for the city to add more conflict and drama.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Start by identifying the dramatic purpose of the scene. What is the conflict that is being explored? What is the protagonist's goal? What are the obstacles that stand in their way?
Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Listen to the way people speak in real life and try to capture that in your writing.
Tighten the pacing by cutting out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Add more details to the setting to help the audience visualize where the scene is taking place.
Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and relationships to each other.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting teacher and author. His book, 'Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting,' is considered a classic in the field.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Add an inciting incident to the beginning of the scene. This event will set the story in motion and force the protagonist to take action.
Make the protagonist's goal clear by stating it explicitly in the dialogue or action.
Identify the obstacles that stand in the protagonist's way and make sure that they are significant enough to create tension and suspense.
Raise the stakes by making the consequences of failure more dire.
Rewrite the climax so that the protagonist overcomes the obstacles in a more satisfying way.

Linda Seger is a successful screenwriter and author. She is known for her work on films such as 'Terms of Endearment' and 'The Prince of Tides.'

Suggestion by John Truby

Identify the central dramatic question that the scene is trying to answer.
Create a clear journey for the protagonist. What does she learn or change in this scene?
Structure the scene in a way that builds tension and suspense. Use techniques such as foreshadowing, conflict, and rising action.
Write dialogue that reveals character and advances the plot.
End the scene with a satisfying resolution that answers the central dramatic question.

John Truby is a screenwriter, story consultant, and author. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story,' is considered a classic in the field.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a subtle romantic tension between Daniel and Rachel. The contrast between the traditional Amish lifestyle and the modern world adds layers to the storytelling.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, longing, and the clash of tradition and modernity is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as we see the characters navigating their emotions and the challenges of their community.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the clash between tradition and progress, with authentic characters and dialogue that feel true to life.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced emotions and interactions that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Daniel and Rachel experience subtle changes in their emotions and desires throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to find a balance between her Amish roots and the outside world. She desires freedom and independence while also feeling a sense of duty and loyalty to her family and community.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to navigate the challenges of living in a changing world while staying true to her beliefs and values.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between the characters' inner desires and the expectations of their community.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 5

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connections between the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' emotional journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between tradition and progress, as represented by Rachel's struggle to reconcile her Amish upbringing with the modern world.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the interactions between Daniel and Rachel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, thematic complexity, and the relatable struggles faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre and effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the internal and external conflicts faced by the characters.

14A EXT. CARPARK, LANCASTER STATION - DAY 14A

Daniel Hochstetler leaps into the driving seat of his
open wagon and with a flick of the reins and a whoop
sets his horse off at a fast trot.
14B EXT. TRAIN - DAY 148

The ENGINE gives a WARNING BLAST before creeping-slowly
forward.
15 OMITTED 15
16 INT. TRAIN (MOVING) 16
As Samuel spots something out of the window that causes
him to light up.
SAMUEL
Look, Mama ••• I
•

,...'
7,
17 HIS POV THROUGH WINDOW 17
A road runs parallel to the train track, and Hoeh-
atetler in his wagon urges his borae almost to the
gallop as be attempts to keep pace with the train.

18 BACK TO SCENE 18
as Raebel smiles.

RACHEL
I aee, darling.
And Samuel cranes to look back, waving, for a• long as
be can.

18A EXT. LANCASTER COUNTRYSIDE - DAY 18A
The train moves across a broad panorama of fields,
dotted with dolls"-bouae-aized farms and the tiny
figures of Amish farmers working their borae-drawn
equipment.

( 19 SERIES OF CUTS 19
as the train continues its eastward journey ••• Samuel
""' stares raptly out of the window at the changing pat-
terns of the countryside. He point• in wonder at a
brightly. colored bot air balloon as it drift• ■ lowly
over timbered hills ••• be looks unsure aa the pattern
of field and· wood gives way to auburbs, buatling ■bop
ping centers, restaurants, ear lots and fast food
outlets.

20 EXT. PHILADELPHIA SLUMS 20
as the train travels past dilapidated row bouaes,
atreets choked with ears and the gutters with filth.

21 INT. TRAIN (MOVING) 21
Now Samuel is staring out the window with aome eonfu-
aion, almost apprehension:
SAMUEL
Is this where we're going?
RACHEL
I Of course not. We're going to
Balti110re, It'• ■ueb nicer in
Baltimore.
(CONTINUED)
8.
21 CONTINUED: 21
And Rachel draws her son closer, turning her back on
the window.

22 OMITTED 22

Genres: Drama, Romance
Tone: Sentimental, Reflective, Hopeful

Summary As the train departs Lancaster, Samuel waves goodbye to Hochstetler's wagon. The train traverses Pennsylvania's rural landscapes before passing Philadelphia's impoverished neighborhoods. Samuel expresses concern about the urban environment, but Rachel assures him of their destination in Baltimore. The train presses onward, leaving Philadelphia and its complexities behind.

Strengths

Emotional depth of characters
Subtle romantic tension
Exploration of themes

Weaknesses

Lack of high external stakes
Some pacing issues in transitions

General Critique

The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional impact. More focus on the internal struggles of Rachel and Samuel as they leave their familiar Amish surroundings for the unknown urban landscape could enhance the scene.
The dialogue between Rachel and Samuel feels a bit generic and could be more nuanced to reflect their emotions and concerns about the journey.
The visual descriptions are limited, missing an opportunity to create a vivid picture of the contrasting landscapes and the characters' reactions to them.
The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the experience of the train journey and the changing scenery.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert Towne

The scene lacks tension and conflict. The characters are simply talking and there is no sense of urgency or danger.
The dialogue is flat and uninteresting. The characters sound like they are reading from a script.
The scene is too long. It could be cut by at least a third without losing any of the important information.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating tension and conflict, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by William Goldman

The scene is not believable. The characters' motivations are unclear and their actions are not logical.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next.
The scene is not visually interesting. There is nothing to look at except the characters talking.

Selected for their expertise in creating believable and unpredictable characters, which is necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by John August

The scene is not emotionally engaging. The audience does not care about the characters or their problems.
The scene is not thematically resonant. It does not connect to the larger themes of the story.
The scene is not well-written. The language is clunky and the pacing is slow.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding internal monologues or reflections from Rachel and Samuel to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during the journey.
Enhance the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotional states.
Include more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the countryside, suburbs, and slums passing by outside the train window.
Explore the use of sensory details such as sounds, smells, and textures to bring the train journey to life and engage the audience on a deeper level.
Consider incorporating moments of tension or conflict to add depth and intrigue to the scene, such as Rachel and Samuel encountering challenges or obstacles during their journey.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert Towne

Add a sense of urgency or danger to the scene. The characters could be running from something or trying to escape from a dangerous situation.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and interesting. The characters should sound like real people, not like they are reading from a script.
Cut the scene by at least a third. Focus on the most important moments and cut out the unnecessary dialogue.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Give the characters clear motivations and make their actions logical. The audience should be able to understand why the characters are doing what they are doing.
Add some unexpected twists and turns to the plot. The audience should be kept guessing what is going to happen next.
Use visual elements to make the scene more interesting. The audience should be able to see the characters' surroundings and the actions that are taking place.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by John August

Explore the characters' emotions more deeply. The audience should be able to understand what the characters are feeling and why they are feeling it.
Connect the scene to the larger themes of the story. The audience should be able to see how the scene fits into the overall narrative.
Rewrite the scene using more vivid and evocative language. The audience should be able to visualize the scene and feel the emotions of the characters.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing dynamics for future development.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the clash between tradition and modernity through the characters' journey is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' physical journey and emotional interactions, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of progress and tradition, with authentic character reactions and unique settings that enhance the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, especially the subtle tension between Daniel and Rachel.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, setting up potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Samuel's internal goal in this scene is to understand and navigate the changing world around him. His reactions to the different landscapes reflect his curiosity, wonder, and apprehension.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to reach Baltimore safely, as indicated by Rachel's reassurance to Samuel about their destination.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between tradition and modernity, as well as the internal conflicts of the characters.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, represented by the protagonist's internal struggles and external challenges, adds complexity and depth to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 5

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's reactions to the changing landscapes and the unexpected twists in the journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of progress, tradition, and the impact of societal change on individuals. Samuel's reactions to the changing landscapes reflect his internal struggle to reconcile the old with the new.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from sadness to hope, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, thematic richness, and the protagonist's internal journey that resonates with the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, conveys emotions, and transitions between different settings, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the narrative.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively transitions between different settings and character interactions, maintaining the pacing and narrative flow.

23 INT. 30 ST. STATION, PHILADELPHIA - DAY 23
Rachel is in a line at one of the counters. The plain
dress of the two Amish -- particularly Samuel's black
coat and hat - are drawing curious stares.

SAMUEL

He's uncomfortably aware of the shy looks and giggles
of a little girl about his own age, standing in line
with her parents at the next counter.
He edges away from his mother •••

ANGLE
as Samuel comes upon a figure garbed in a long black
,,,,... frock coat and flat-crowned hat ••• the man's back is
turned, could, from appearances, be an Amishman.
Samuel stares ••• A beat, the man turns to face Samuel
and we discover that he is a Hasidic Jew.

SAMUEL
as he reacts.

BACK TO TICKET COUNTER
a• Rachel's turn arrives. The TICKET SELLER glances up
and she shows him her ticket.
RACHEL
We have a ticket to Baltimore.
Where is that· train, please?
TICKET SELLER
Delayed three hours. You'll hear
an announcement when it'• time to
bOard.
,,,,... (CONTINUED)
23 CONTINUED: 23
RACHEL
(suddenly confused)
But •.•

TICKET SELLER
Just have a ■eat.
Samuel stares about him at the unfamiliar world of the
English, Rachel sits on a bench, warns him not to
wonder too far.

23A SAMUEL'S ODYSSEY 23A
A SERIES OF COTS as Samuel examines ■ome of the
products of the twentieth century.
Be ■ tares long and hard as a man punches the buttons on
a pay phone.
Be's wide-eyed and a little frightened by an escalator.
Be looks up at the gargantuan war memorial statue of an
angel holding a dead soldier, which hovers over the
bustle of the station.
Rachel takes-his hand and gently leads him away, the
boy all the while looking back over his shoulder at the
face of the angel,

24 INT, STATION - PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 24
It's now much later and the terminal has practically
emptied, We can see the dozing figure ■ of Rachel and
Samuel almost alone amid the benches.

RACBEL/SAMOEL
a ■ the boy rouse ■ himself, says something to his
mother. She nods •••
Be starts to go without his hat, but Rachel collars him
and puts it on his head.

25 ANGLE IN MEN'S ROOM 25
as Samuel enters.
It's a long row of sinks, urinals, and stalls ••• Samuel
stops before one of the urinals -- a long, trough-like
affair with water drizzling down the rear porcelain
panel.
(CONTINUED)
10.
25 CONTINUED: 25
,-... It's set a little high for Samuel, and it is·making
GLUGGING-FLUSHING NOISES that are, at least,
intimidating. Samuel stares for a moment, then turns,
looks toward the stalls, stoops to see which are empty.

HIS POV - TOILETS
Beneath the row of doors we can ■ ee no feet visible.
Samuel is alone in the restroom.

BACK TO SCENE
as Sa111uel proceeds ~long the row of door, finally
selects a ■ tall near the end. He enters.
As he does so, a heavily bearded youth in a dirty
sweatshirt enters.
With some urgency, he removes ■mall notebook from his
pocket and places it behind a paper towel dispenser.
Suddenly he glances up.
Two other men have entered the men's roomi one is a
,-... large BLACK MAN in a three-piece suit under an ex-
pensive, overcoat. Bia PARTNER is a Caucasian in
designer jeans, half boots and a short leather jacket.
They advance on the young man with unmistakable menace.
The young man whirls in terror, his two assailants
lunge for him ••• a savage, wordless struggle ensues in
the close confines of the lavatory.

ANGLE IN SAMUEL I S STALL
as the struggling men bounce off the door of his
stall ••• be can ■ ee their feet under the edge of the
door.

BACK TO FIGHT
as the struggle build ■ to a climax ••• ends with the
young man stiffening with a grunt, his face draining of
i:olor.

0
The two attackers step away, the blade in the black
man's hand bloodstained. His partner stares at what
they've accomplished with a stunned expression:
,-... (CONTINUED)
ll.
25 CONTINUED: (2 l 25
PARTNER
Jesus •••
Tbe young man's band comes away from bis belly covered
with blood. He stares at it, staggers toward the
■ inks. Finally his bloodied hand reaches to smear at
his face in the mirror. Then he collapses to the
floor.
The black man motions for his partner to watch the
door, then quickly reaches up and removes the notebook
from behind the dispenser.

ANGLE IN SAMUEL'S STALL
as he edges open the stall door a crack. Over his
shoulder we can see the black man, his BACK TO us,
riflini the bpdu. But beyond bim, in the mirror on the
far wa l, we catch sight of the black man's face.

SAMU.::.

as he stares out the narrow crack. A beat, then he
closes the stall door.

ANGLE IN STALL
Samuel tries to make the latch work, but it's warped
and won't fa~l closed.

BLACK MA.~
as he checks the notebook before placing it in his
pocket. Bis partner is covering the door, an automatic
in his hand.
The black man makes for the exit, then on second
thought, glances at the row of stalls.

HIS POV - STALLS
All quiet, but •••

BACK TO SCENE
The black man whips out a .357 Magnum revolver, and,
starting at the near end, starts pushing open the stall
doors.
(CONTINUED)
12,
2S CONTINUED: (3) 25
ANGLE IN SAM'S STALLS
•• the blaek man approaches, Samuel working desperately
on the lateh,
At the last minute he finally wedges it in.

BLACK MAN
He elbows Samuel's stall,,,the door won't open.
J

ANGLE IN SAM'S STALL
Fighting baek panie, Samuel has retreated as far as he
ean.

BLACK MAN
as he gives the door a kick. It holds. He swears
under his breath.

ANGLE IN SAM'S STALL
In desperation, Samuel does the only thing he can think
of ••• he slips under the partition into the neighboring
stall the black man just cheeked out. But he loses his
hat in the process. His hand snakes back INTO FRAME to
snatch it just as the black man gives the door a fero-
cious kiek that splinters the loek and nearly takes it
off its hinges. He's framed there, the big muzzle of
the ,3S7 looking down our throats.

ANGLE
as his partner ■ naps from the doorway:
PARTNER
Will you eome on, for Christ's
sake!
A beat, then the black man holsters his weapon, turns
to follow the partner out. ··

BACK TO SAMu'EL
as we hear the SOUND OF THE TWO MEN EXITING the
lavatory.
A long beat, then Samuel opens the stall door a craek.
(CONTINUED)
13.
2S CONTINUED: (4 ) 25
BIS POV THROUGH DOOR
Samuel's own face reflected in the blood-smeared mirror
••• then PANNING DOWN to the still figure of the young
un lying in the crimson pool of his own blood on the
floor.

26 OMITTED 26
thru thru
29 29

30 BENCH WAITING ROOM-- LOW ANGLE - NIGHT 30
Samuel sits close to his mother, his face pale, bis
eyes staring. Rachel bolds his hand tightly in hers as
the torsos of various police and officials pass through
foreground, occasionally obscuring the lonely couple.
There is considerable ECHOING NOISE as commands and
requests mingle with the CRACILE OF TWO-wAY RADIOS,
CUT TO:

DOOR - HENS' ROOM
The diffused shape of faces behind the frosted glass of
the mens' room door, which is pushed open to reveal,
JOHN BOOK, who comes striding through to be momentarily
lost in the crowd of police, reporters and others. Be
is about 40,· with a rangy, athletic body. Behind him
comes CARTER, Book's black partner -- about five years
younger than Book.
CUT TO:

BENCH
Little Samuel watching Book, back to crowd of police,
as Book questions an old black CUSTODIAN.
BOOlt
You found the.body?
CUSTODIAN
Uh uh. Not me, daddy, I just
reported it. It was the kid.
BOOlt
,-.. What kid?
(CONTINUED)
........
30 (CONTINUED) 30
CUSTODIAN
How'n hell do I know what kid?
The kid in the funny black
threads.
TIGHT SHOT - SAMUEL
Worry-eyed, still staring ■ traight ahead. Then his
eyes move suddenly to his left.
BOOK'S LEGS - SAMUEL'S POV
coming in at full stride, then stopping.
SAMUEL
He doesn't raise his eyes ••• just looks at the legs.
And, slowly, the legs begin to bend at the knees. We
■ee Book's belt buckle, then his big pistol in its
holster, then his face. He stares at Samuel for a
moment, then •••
ANGLE - BOOK
as his face breaks into a big grin, and •••
BOOK
Hi, Kid.
RACHEL
immediately alarmed, intervening.
RACHEL
What do you want of my son?
THE SCENE
as Book takes out his wallet, displays his shield.
BOOK
I'm a police officer. I'm going
to have to talk to the boy.
What's hi ■ name?
·llACHEL
Samuel, S11111Uel Lapp.
(MORE)
:·
(CONTINtJED1 ~
REV. 4 / 2 3 / 8 4 15.
30 (CONTINUED) 30
,... RACHEL
(then, quickly)
But what happened here is none of
his affair. We're on our way to
Baltimore . • ; My sister is expect-
ing us . • • our train is leaving
soon.
BOOK
There'll be another train.
(turns to Samuell
The man who was killed tonight
was a policeman, Sam. It's
my job to find out who did it.
I want you to tell - everything
you saw when you went in there.
SAMUEL
(stammers)
I saw him.
BOOK
Who'd you see?
Sam looks at his mother.
BOOK (CONT'D)
Who'd you see, Sam? The man on
the floor?
SAMUEL
No. I saw the man who killed
him.
Book stares at him in surprise, speaks over his shoulder
to Carter.
BOOK
Anybody know about this?
CARTER
! didn't even know about it.
BOOK
(back. to Sam)
Okay, Sam. Can you tell me what
he looked like?
A·beat; Sam crosses quickly to Carter, Book's rather
slightly built partner.

,... ( SAMUEL
(groping, touching his
clothes and pointing at
Carter)
He was • • • like him.
(CONTINUEDY
,, -- ....
' .....
30 (CONTINUED) 30
BOOI<
(nods)
Do you mean black? I under-
stand.
SAMUEL
(pointing again at
Carter)
But not Schtumpig.
Book frowns, puzzled:
BOOI<
Not schtumpig. What's that?
Rachel intervenes with Book. She glances at Carter
who is looking rather uncomfortable.
RACHEL
Schtumpig • • • On the farm, a
pig born small like that is a
Schtumpig • • • a runt.
BOOI<
(looking at Carter)
A runt? So he wasn't a runt he was
a big guy.
,,,...,
SAMUEL
(gesturing)
Big guy.

-- ,
REV. 4/23/84 17.

31 OMITTED 31

Genres: Drama, Mystery, Crime
Tone: Suspenseful, Tense, Mysterious, Serious

Summary Samuel, a young Amish boy, witnesses a murder in a train station restroom. He hides as the killers search for witnesses, then identifies one of them to the police, but hesitates to name him, fearing for his and his mother's safety.

Strengths

Building tension
Introducing a major plot development
Creating a sense of danger and mystery

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

General Critique

The scene transitions from a somber funeral setting to a bustling train station, which may be a bit jarring for the audience.
There is a lack of emotional depth in Samuel's reaction to witnessing a murder and the subsequent events in the men's room. More emphasis on his fear and confusion could enhance the tension of the scene.
The introduction of the Hasidic Jew character adds an interesting element but feels disconnected from the rest of the scene.
The dialogue between Rachel and the ticket seller could be more impactful to convey her confusion and sense of urgency.
The violent altercation in the men's room is intense but may be too graphic for some audiences, consider toning down the violence while still maintaining the suspense.
The interaction between Book and Samuel lacks emotional resonance, more emphasis on the gravity of the situation could heighten the drama.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Quentin Tarantino

The scene lacks tension and suspense. The action is too predictable, and there is no sense of danger or urgency.
The dialogue is flat and uninteresting. The characters speak in a very formal and unnatural way.
The pacing is too slow. The scene drags on for too long, and there is not enough action to keep the audience engaged.
The cinematography is uninspired and the scene looks cheap.
Overall, this is a very poorly written and directed scene.

Quentin Tarantino is a renowned director and screenwriter who is known for his ability to create suspenseful and action-packed scenes.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The dialogue is too long and expository. The characters spend too much time talking about their feelings and motivations, and not enough time taking action.
The scene lacks a clear focus. It is not clear what the characters are trying to achieve, or what the stakes are.
The characters are not well-developed. They are too one-dimensional, and the audience does not connect with them.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next, and there is no sense of surprise or suspense.
Overall, this is a very poorly written scene.

Aaron Sorkin is a renowned screenwriter who is known for his ability to write realistic and engaging dialogue.

Critique by David Fincher

The scene is too dark and murky. The audience cannot see what is happening, and it is difficult to follow the action.
The editing is too choppy. The scene jumps around too much, and it is difficult to stay focused.
The sound design is too loud and distracting. The music and sound effects are overwhelming, and they make it difficult to hear the dialogue.
The performances are too over-the-top. The actors are trying too hard to be dramatic, and it comes across as forced and unnatural.
Overall, this is a very poorly directed scene.

David Fincher is a renowned director who is known for his ability to create visually stunning and technically proficient films.

General Suggestions

Consider smoothing out the transition between the funeral and the train station to maintain the emotional continuity.
Enhance Samuel's emotional journey and reactions to the events he witnesses to make the scene more engaging.
Integrate the Hasidic Jew character more seamlessly into the narrative to avoid feeling disjointed.
Revise the dialogue between Rachel and the ticket seller to increase the sense of urgency and confusion in the scene.
Adjust the level of violence in the men's room altercation to maintain suspense without being overly graphic.
Deepen the emotional connection between Book and Samuel to heighten the tension and impact of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Quentin Tarantino

Add more action and suspense to the scene. The audience should be on the edge of their seats, wondering what is going to happen next.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. The characters should speak in a way that is believable and relatable.
Tighten up the pacing. The scene should move along at a brisk pace, with no unnecessary dialogue or action.
Use more interesting cinematography. The scene should look visually appealing, with interesting camera angles and lighting.
Overall, rewrite the scene to make it more exciting and engaging.

Quentin Tarantino has been able to create a body of work that is full of suspense, action, and violence.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Shorten the dialogue and make it more concise. The characters should get to the point quickly, and the audience should not be bored by long speeches.
Give the scene a clear focus. The audience should know what the characters are trying to achieve, and what the stakes are.
Develop the characters more fully. The audience should get to know the characters, and understand their motivations.
Add some surprises to the scene. The audience should not be able to guess what is going to happen next.
Overall, rewrite the scene to make it more engaging and suspenseful.

Aaron Sorkin's work is known for its clever and well-written dialogue, as well as its ability to bring complex characters to life.

Suggestion by David Fincher

Lighten the scene up. The audience should be able to see what is happening, and the action should be easy to follow.
Smooth out the editing. The scene should flow smoothly from one shot to the next, and the audience should not be distracted by choppy editing.
Lower the sound levels. The music and sound effects should be used to enhance the scene, not overwhelm it.
Direct the actors to give more natural performances. The characters should be believable and relatable, not over-the-top.
Overall, rewrite the scene to make it more visually appealing and technically proficient.

David Fincher has earned an impressive reputation for his meticulous, perfectionist approach to filmmaking.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a significant plot development with the murder of a policeman, showcasing the clash of cultures and the innocence of a young Amish boy caught in a dangerous situation.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a murder investigation unfolding in a train station, involving characters from different backgrounds, is engaging and sets up a compelling mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the murder and the involvement of the main characters in the investigation, adding layers of complexity and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural diversity and technological advancement, blending traditional and modern elements in a unique setting. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and distinctiveness, especially Samuel's innocence contrasted with the seasoned police officer Book, creating an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

Samuel experiences a shift from innocence to witnessing a violent crime, which may impact his character development later in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Samuel's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar and overwhelming world of the train station, showcasing his innocence and vulnerability in a new environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to stay safe and avoid getting involved in a dangerous situation, as seen when he witnesses a violent altercation in the men's room.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the mystery of the murder, and the danger in the station create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and conflicting motivations, adding complexity and depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the murder of a policeman, the danger faced by the characters, and the potential consequences of the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point and setting up the investigation that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden escalation of violence and danger, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash of cultures and values, as represented by the presence of Amish, Hasidic Jews, and modern-day characters. This challenges Samuel's understanding of the world and exposes him to different belief systems.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, concern, and curiosity in the reader, especially through Samuel's perspective and the violent encounter in the restroom.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the plot forward, with moments of tension and revelation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, dynamic character interactions, and escalating conflict, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout the escalating conflict.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre, using visual cues and descriptive language to enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful drama.

31A INT. LOBBY-MAIN TERMINAL - NIGHT * 31A
Captain TERRY DONAHUE, Chief of Homicide, strides
past the crowd of journalists and TV crews, ignoring
requests for interv.iews. He's just arrived on the
sc&ne and is issuing instructions to a uniformed officer.
DONAHUE
Close it all down. I want the •
crime lab vehicle in here now, and
I want to talk to you, Captain.
He indicates Book should follow him, and they move,a '
little away from the crowd. Donahue turn• a cold stare 1
on Book.
DONAHUE
What are two undercover cops
doing here minutes after this
guy zenovitch gets his throat
cut ...
BOOK (cutting in)
I want it, Terry.
DONAHUE (continuing)
... Talking to witnesses and
generally acting as if ;twas their
job!
BOOK
I want it.
DONAHUE
That's not what I asked you.
BOOK
I know.
DONAHUE
What's this about, John?
BOOK
I can't tell you that.
DONAHUE
Well, why for christ's sake
should I turn the case over
to you?
BOOK
I've got a lead on a guy, and
I've got an eye-witness.
DONAHUE
He's not your witness, and
, ~
it's not your job.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 18.
31A CONTINUED * 31A
BOOK
So I'll talk to the Deputy
Commissioner. He's on his way.
DONAHUE
It's still not your job.
(pauses)
Look John, why don't you
come back to Homicide where
you belong?
BOOK
Let's just say it's a career
move.
DONAHUE
Stick with Internal Affairs and
you're not gonna have any friends
left.
BOOK
I'll buy a dog.
With that he turns and walks off, past the Crime Lab
truck, which is backing in, and the crowd of journalists
and others, and out into the main lobby.

Genres: Crime, Drama, Mystery
Tone: Tense, Confrontational, Serious

Summary At the site of a murder investigation at an airport, a tense confrontation ensues between Homicide Chief Donahue and undercover cop Book. Book demands control of the case, claiming a suspect and eyewitness. Donahue resists, suspecting Book's ambitions. Book threatens to escalate the matter, prompting Donahue to warn of potential negative consequences for Book's career. The scene concludes with Book walking away, asserting his claim on the case.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Tension-filled confrontation
Intriguing concept

Weaknesses

Some ambiguity in character motivations
Potential lack of clarity in the undercover operation

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the gravity of the situation being discussed.
The dialogue between Donahue and Book feels somewhat cliched and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters.
There is a lack of emotional depth in the interaction between Donahue and Book, which hinders the scene from being impactful.
The scene could benefit from more nuanced and layered dialogue to convey the complex dynamics between the characters.
The conflict between Donahue and Book could be more clearly defined and developed to create a more compelling narrative.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Syd Field

The dialogue in this scene is engaging and reveals tension between Donahue and Book, which is great for conflict.
The scene sets up an intriguing mystery with the mention of Zenovitch's murder and the undercover cops, creating suspense for the audience.
Donahue's cold stare and questioning of Book's actions add depth to their relationship and the overall plot.
The scene effectively establishes Book's determination and career ambitions, adding complexity to his character.

Chosen for their renowned ability in establishing conflict and creating engaging dialogue.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The rapid-fire dialogue between Donahue and Book adds a dynamic energy to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.
There is a good balance of verbal sparring and underlying tension, creating a compelling interaction between the characters.
The scene effectively conveys power dynamics through dialogue and subtle cues, enhancing the conflict between Donahue and Book.
The use of interruptions and sharp exchanges adds realism and urgency to the scene, heightening the stakes.

Selected for their expertise in writing sharp, impactful dialogue and creating tension in interactions.

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene's conflict is well-established through the power struggle between Donahue and Book, providing a strong foundation for the plot.
The subtext and unspoken motivations of the characters are effectively conveyed through their dialogue and actions, enhancing the scene's depth.
Donahue's attempt to persuade Book to return to Homicide adds layers to their relationship and hints at underlying tensions and history.
The scene's structure and pacing contribute to building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest throughout.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth and enriching character dynamics.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext and depth to the dialogue to enhance the tension and emotional impact of the scene.
Explore the characters' motivations and internal conflicts to make the interaction more engaging and meaningful.
Introduce more layers to the conflict between Donahue and Book to create a more dynamic and compelling exchange.
Focus on building the suspense and urgency of the situation to keep the audience invested in the scene.
Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Syd Field

Consider adding more physical actions or gestures to accompany the dialogue, enhancing the visual interest of the scene.
Explore the characters' emotional subtext further through internal monologues or non-verbal cues to deepen the conflict.
Introduce a surprising twist or revelation to escalate the tension and keep the audience guessing.
Use the setting to enhance the mood and tone of the scene, reflecting the characters' internal struggles.

Known for exceptional skill in creating visual and emotional impact in scenes.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Experiment with different pacing techniques in the dialogue to vary the intensity and create more dynamic exchanges.
Inject moments of humor or irony to balance the serious tone of the scene and add layers to the characters' interactions.
Consider integrating flashback sequences or hints at past events to enrich the context of Donahue and Book's relationship.
Play with the power dynamics by shifting control of the conversation between Donahue and Book, adding unpredictability.

With profound knowledge in crafting impactful dialogue, their guidance is pivotal for the scene's success.

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Delve deeper into the characters' motivations and goals to heighten the stakes and intensify the conflict.
Utilize symbolism or metaphor in the dialogue and actions to add layers of meaning and subtext to the scene.
Explore the consequences of the characters' choices and actions, leading to dramatic and emotionally resonant outcomes.
Consider incorporating sensory details or vivid descriptions to immerse the audience in the scene's atmosphere and emotions.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with strong dialogue and a high level of tension. It effectively sets up a conflict that will likely drive the plot forward.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation and potential conflict of interest is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of the undercover operation and the conflict between the characters. It sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar police procedural setting but adds a twist with the protagonist's willingness to challenge authority and take risks. The dialogue feels authentic and dynamic, adding to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicting interests. Their interactions drive the tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is a potential for character growth and change as the conflict unfolds, especially in terms of loyalty and conflicting interests.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, John Book, wants to take over the case and pursue leads related to a witness and a suspect. His internal goal reflects his desire to solve the case and prove himself as a capable detective.

External Goal: 9

John Book's external goal is to take over the case and investigate leads related to a witness and a suspect. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in solving the crime.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is high, with conflicting interests and potential consequences for their actions. It drives the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Captain Donahue challenging John Book's authority and decisions. The audience is left wondering how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with potential consequences for the characters' actions and the undercover operation at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the undercover operation and setting up potential conflicts that will drive the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following protocol and taking initiative. Captain Donahue represents the adherence to hierarchy and rules, while John Book represents the willingness to go beyond established boundaries to solve the case.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of suspense and tension, with the potential consequences of the characters' actions hanging in the balance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and adds to the overall tension of the scene. It effectively conveys the conflicting emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high tension, conflicting goals, and sharp dialogue between characters. The audience is drawn into the power struggle and mystery of the crime.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.

32 EXT. 30ST STATION -- NIGHT 32

Book e:nerges from the terminal,· looks about him,
then crosses to a big Mercury Sedan which is parked
nearby. Two men sit in the front seat. Book cresses
to the driver's side and opens the door.
BOOK
Go get a cup of coffee, Stan.
The driver, a uniformed policeman, glances at the
man beside him who nods in agreement. He gets out
and Book gets in behind the wheel.
33 OMITTED 33
34 INT. SEDAN 34
Book sits next to SCHAEFFER, a surprisingly kindly
looking man of about fifty. Schaeffer is a Deputy
Chief.
(CONTINUED) ~-
· - ., • , .., - I ~ "I

34 INT, SEDAN 34
SCHAEFFER
,-...
I -'
How reliable is this kid?
BOOK
Oh, he's good,
SCHAEFFER
Miah.
BOOK
Yeah.
SCHAEFFER
What have you 9ot?
1001(
Zenovitch was about to deliver• •
list of names tonight -- street ~
chemists ..• the guys processing this •
P2P into apeed. ~

SCHAEFFER
So one of them got to him.

Maybe.
,-... SCHAEFFER .
You know who?
BOOK
Maybe.
SCHAEFFER
You're still convinced there's
• link to the department?
BOOK
If there ian't I've just waated .)t

the laat six months. ...
SCHAEFFER .
That'• the problem. We need •.II
reaults. The pr••• is driving -.II
us crazy over thia P2P thing-
calling us the apeed capitol of the
country'. You know the sort of
thing. It's getting political.
The Commissioner'• getting~
uneasy.
,,
,-...
C
(CONTINUED I
19A •
34 CONTINUED • 34
BOOK
The Amish boy~ him, Paul.
I'll make it, but get Donahue
and the Homicide Department off
my back or they'll blow the whole
thing.
SCHAEFFER
When word gets out that Zenovitch
was a cop, all hell will break
lose. You've got 24 hours. That's
all I can give you. 24 hours on your
own. After that the case and the
witness go back to the Homicide Department.
··-· ... , ~-, ......
35 OMITTED 35

36 INT, BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 36
Book drives around 13th Street, a ravaged corridor
between neon-lit restaurants, bars, porno shops and
darkened storefronts. Carter sits beside him, Rachel
and her son in the back seat looking out a~ the
assorted array of desperate characters huddled in
doorways or wandering aimlessly about. On the POLICE
RADIO a description of the cop killing is BROADCAST
EVERY FEW MINUTES.
CARTER
I got there late, John.
BOOK
Let's just find Coalmine.
1beat)
Listen, Zenovitch made a mistake.
You didn't let anybody down. It
happens --
CARTER
(grimly)
It won't happen again.
RACHEL
Where are you taking us?
BOOK
We're looking for a suspect.
We've reason to believe he's still
in the area.
RACHEL
You have no right to keep us here.
BOOK
Yes I do. Your son is a material
--
witness to a homicide.
RACHEL
You don't understand, we have
nothing to do with your laws!
BOOK
Doesn't surprise me. I meet a lot
of people like that.
RACHEL
It's not a joke.
I .
,-... (CONTINOED)
36 CONTINUED: 36
Book decides to try contrition:
BOOI<
You're right. It'• not a joke.
Listen, I know a little about the
Amish. I know this has to be an
ordeal for you, and I'm really
sorry you and Samuel got involved.
Samuel shoots a look at Book, then mutters something
to his mother in German. She responds in the-same
language. Book frowns.
BOOI<.
What was that?
RACHEL
He wants to know who you are.
Your name. I told him we don't
need to know anything about you.
Book eyes Samuel:
8001(
Book. John Book.

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Serious

Summary Book informs Deputy Chief Schaeffer about a crucial witness who can shed light on Zenovitch's murder and P2P drug production. Schaeffer grants Book 24 hours to produce the witness and crack the case, after which it will be handed over to Homicide. With time running out, Book faces pressure to solve the case and prevent Homicide's involvement.

Strengths

Complex characters
Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Intriguing plot twists

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly expository
Transition between different settings could be smoother

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in the murder investigation and the safety of the witnesses.
The dialogue between Book and Schaeffer feels somewhat flat and lacks depth, especially given the gravity of the situation.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact on Rachel and Samuel as they are caught up in a dangerous situation beyond their control.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
The interaction between Book, Rachel, and Samuel could be more nuanced and emotionally charged to add depth to their characters and relationships.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Steven Zaillian

The scene is too long and could be cut down without losing any of the important information.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
The characters are not well-developed and the audience does not connect with them.
The pacing is slow and the scene lacks tension.

Chosen for their renowned ability in dialogue and pacing, which are critical for this scene.

Critique by David Mamet

The scene is too expository and does not advance the plot.
The characters are too one-dimensional and do not have any depth.
The dialogue is too on the nose and does not reveal anything new about the characters or the situation.

Selected for their expertise in character development and dialogue, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The scene is too talky and does not have enough action.
The characters are too perfect and do not have any flaws.
The dialogue is too witty and does not sound like real people talking.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Intensify the conflict and stakes in the scene to create a sense of urgency and tension.
Revise the dialogue between Book and Schaeffer to make it more engaging and reflective of the gravity of the situation.
Explore the emotional impact on Rachel and Samuel in more detail to add depth to their characters and increase reader engagement.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive setting and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
Develop the interactions between Book, Rachel, and Samuel to add complexity and emotional depth to their relationships.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Steven Zaillian

Cut the scene down to no more than two minutes.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Add more tension to the scene by having the characters face a greater challenge.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by David Mamet

Give the characters more depth by exploring their motivations and desires.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more revealing and less expository.
Add more conflict to the scene by having the characters disagree or clash with each other.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Add more action to the scene by having the characters physically interact with each other.
Give the characters more flaws and make them more relatable.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more realistic and less witty.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and suspenseful atmosphere. The introduction of high stakes and emotional impact adds depth to the storyline.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover investigation involving an Amish family witnessing a murder is unique and engaging. It explores themes of culture clash, justice, and morality.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. The introduction of the murder and the undercover investigation adds intrigue and propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a mix of urban decay, cultural clashes, and moral dilemmas, offering a fresh take on the crime genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and face internal and external conflicts. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience changes or revelations in the scene, particularly in their perceptions of justice, morality, and cultural differences.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve a case involving a cop killing and protect a material witness, while also dealing with personal guilt and responsibility for the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a suspect related to the cop killing and prevent further violence or chaos in the city.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with various conflicts, including the murder investigation, the clash of cultures, and the internal struggles of the characters. These conflicts create tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, moral dilemmas, and external pressures creating obstacles for the protagonist and raising the stakes of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with a murder investigation, the safety of the Amish family, and the reputation of the police department on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point, escalating the conflict, and deepening the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twists that keep the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty and justice conflicting with the political pressures and constraints of the police department.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and anxiety to empathy and concern. The emotional impact adds depth to the characters and the storyline.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, tense interactions, and high stakes, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the investigation and the safety of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum throughout.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a crime thriller, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that build tension and suspense effectively.

,.... 36A EXT. 13TH STATION - NIGHT .36A
Book's car stops, and from out of the shadows darts a
wizened little MAN. He looks about before crossing to
the driver's side window.

36B INT. BOOI<'S CAR - NIGHT 36B
Book lowers the window.
BOOI<
Sammy, where's Coalmine?
The little man stares at the weird-looking couple in
the back seat.

(CONTINOEI))

0
l\J:.11r. "'' " " ' o-.

36B CONTINUED: 36B
SAMMY
What you got there, the Salvation
Amy?

Coalmine. ·
SAMMY
Try "Happy Valley".

36C EXT. HAPPY VALLEY BAR, SOUTH STREET - NIGHT 36C
Book's car pulls up outside the bar and he and Carter
get out, and move ~wiftly inside.

36D INT. HAPPY VALLEY - NIGHT 360
Sixty Black faces stare as the police enter. A hush
falls on the group. Book and Carter spot their man at
the bar and move up either side of him.
They've moved carefully to this point • • • no mistakes.
From the back, the black man they've approached certainly
looks like he could be the man who did the killing of
Zenovitch. And, as Book and Carter make their move • • •

36E EXT. HAPPY VA~LEY -- NIGHT 36E
As Book and Carter explode through the door of the bar,
violently propelling Coalmine along with them. Now we
see Coalmine is n2.! the killer.
As Book and Carter escort Coalmine out of the bar. a
police squad car pulls up, its headlights shining into
Book's car.
An alarmed Rachel holds Samuel close as Book forces
Coalmine's face down next to the car window.
BOOK
Put some light on him.
A cop pulls out a flashlight, begins to play the beam
over Coalmine's face.
(CONTINUED)
36E CONTINUED: 36E
,-...' BOOK
(continuing; to Samuel)
Look at him.
Crazy as Rasputin on speed and booze, Coalmine glares
at Samu~l inside the car:
Samuel, white-faced, finally shakes his head in the
negative.
Coalmine trys to twist free of Book'• grip. Book
snaps, and slams Coalmine's skull into the window edge,
finally crushing his face up againat the front win-
dow. His face takes on a grotesque shape against the
glass. Carter restrains hia partner and Book cools
down. Coalmine is led stumbling away by the uniformed
police. This sudden show of violence has horrified and
angered Rachel, and she glares at Book as he gets back
in the car.
RACHEL
John Book, you listen to me! I
will have no further part in this,
nor will my son! As God stands
, between us!
Book sighs, starts the engine and moves off.

Genres: Crime, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Violent

Summary Book and his team apprehend a suspect at the Happy Valley Bar, but he is not the killer. Book's brutal treatment of the suspect horrifies Rachel, who threatens to withdraw from the case. Book drives away, leaving Rachel behind.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Realistic dialogue
High stakes

Weaknesses

Graphic violence
Stereotypical portrayal of crime settings

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from a wizened little man approaching Book's car to the interior of the Happy Valley Bar, which may confuse the audience.
The dialogue between Book and Sammy lacks context and clarity, making it difficult to understand the significance of their interaction.
The sudden introduction of Coalmine as the killer without prior buildup or explanation may feel rushed and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
The violent confrontation between Book and Coalmine, including the graphic description of slamming his face into the car window, may be too intense and shocking for some viewers.
Rachel's strong reaction to Book's violent behavior adds depth to her character but could be further explored to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict. The main characters, Book and Rachel, are at odds, but their conflict is not driving the action of the scene. Instead, the scene is a series of disjointed events, including Book's violent outburst and Rachel's subsequent threat to leave.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters often speak in exposition, explaining their motivations and backstory rather than interacting with each other in a meaningful way.
The scene is too long and could be cut down by at least a third without losing any essential information.
There is a lack of visual interest in the scene. The characters are mostly standing around talking, and there is little action or movement.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert who has written extensively about the importance of story structure and character development. His insights are particularly valuable for this scene, which suffers from a lack of focus and clarity.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a clear emotional throughline. The characters' emotions are all over the place, and it's difficult to understand what they're feeling or why they're behaving the way they are.
The characters are not well-developed. We don't know much about their backgrounds or motivations, and it's difficult to empathize with them.
The scene is too predictable. We can see from the beginning what's going to happen, and there are no surprises or twists.
The ending of the scene is unsatisfying. It doesn't resolve the conflict between Book and Rachel, and it leaves us hanging.

Linda Seger is a screenwriting expert who has written extensively about the importance of character development and emotional storytelling. Her insights are particularly valuable for this scene, which suffers from a lack of emotional depth and character development.

Critique by Christopher Vogler

The scene does not follow the classic three-act structure. There is no clear beginning, middle, or end, and the story feels disjointed and fragmented.
The characters are not archetypal. They do not represent the universal human experiences, and it's difficult for the audience to relate to them.
The scene lacks a clear theme. It's not clear what the story is trying to say about the human condition, and it's difficult for the audience to find meaning in it.
The ending of the scene is not transformative. The characters do not undergo any significant change, and the story does not feel like it has come to a resolution.

Christopher Vogler is a screenwriting expert who has written extensively about the importance of story structure and mythology. His insights are particularly valuable for this scene, which suffers from a lack of structure and depth.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between the initial interaction with the wizened little man and the entrance to the Happy Valley Bar to improve the flow of the scene.
Provide more context for the dialogue between Book and Sammy to clarify the purpose of their conversation and the significance of Coalmine's identity.
Build up the reveal of Coalmine as the killer to create a more suspenseful and engaging moment for the audience.
Tone down the graphic violence in the confrontation with Coalmine to ensure it is appropriate for the tone and style of the screenplay.
Further develop Rachel's reaction to Book's actions to deepen the emotional impact and explore the dynamics between the characters.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict of the scene and make it the driving force of the action.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
Cut down the scene to remove any unnecessary exposition or dialogue.
Add some visual interest to the scene by using movement, blocking, and camerawork.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Develop the characters' backgrounds and motivations so that the audience can empathize with them.
Create a clear emotional throughline for the scene so that the audience can connect with the characters' emotions.
Add some surprises or twists to the plot to keep the audience engaged.
Rewrite the ending of the scene to resolve the conflict between Book and Rachel and give the audience a sense of closure.

Suggestion by Christopher Vogler

Follow the classic three-act structure to give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Develop the characters as archetypes so that the audience can relate to them on a universal level.
Identify the theme of the scene and make it clear to the audience.
Rewrite the ending of the scene to give the characters a transformative experience and bring the story to a resolution.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of tension, emotion, and action. The stakes are high, and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover investigation taking a dark turn in an unexpected setting is intriguing and well-developed. The clash of cultures and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters add depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is gripping and moves at a fast pace, with twists and turns that keep the audience on edge. The murder investigation and the conflict between the characters drive the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime thriller genre, blending elements of suspense, action, and moral dilemmas in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The emotional impact of the scene is largely driven by the characters' reactions and interactions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations throughout the scene. The witness's hesitation to identify the killer and the mother's defiance towards the investigator show internal conflicts and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his son and maintain his moral integrity in the face of violence and corruption. He wants to ensure his son's safety and shield him from the harsh realities of the world he is navigating.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the killer of Zenovitch and bring him to justice. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the investigation and the dangerous world he is operating in.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving moral, emotional, and physical confrontations. The high stakes and the characters' conflicting motivations create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from both external forces (the killer) and internal conflicts (his moral compass). The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with a murder investigation, a witness's dilemma, and a mother's protective instincts at play. The characters' lives and moral values are on the line, adding tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the main plot by revealing crucial information about the murder investigation and the characters' relationships. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and unexpected twists in the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to uphold justice and protect his son, and the violent methods he must sometimes resort to in order to achieve his goals. This challenges his beliefs and values, forcing him to make difficult decisions.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the mother's protective instincts and the witness's dilemma. The violence and suspense add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the tension and conflict in the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and moral dilemmas. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the conflict, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller, with a buildup of tension, a dramatic confrontation, and a resolution that advances the plot. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness and impact.

36F EXT. HOTEL - PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 36F
Book pulls up outside a hotel entrance as a uniformed
DOORMA.~ moves to open the rear door.

36G INT. CAR - NIGHT 36G
Rachel and Sam recoil as the Doorman opens the door.
He is puzzled by the sight of the reluctant guests.
DOORMAN
Ma'am?
RACHEL
Nol we do not stay in hotels.
Book and Carter exchange a glance.

,-...
REV. 4/23/84 24.

37 OMITTED 37
,... thru
42
thru
42

43 EXT./INT. FRONT DOOR, SUBURBAN HOOSE - PHILADELPHIA - ,,
NIGHT
An attractive woman in her early thirties in robe and
slippers stares in disbelief as Rachel and Sam file into
the house. This is ELAINE, BoOk's sister. She
stops Book as he tries to follow Rachel inside.

ELAINE
How could you do this to me
tonight?_ I told you I had
company!·
BOOK
Sorry. It's important.

,
I ,
BACK TO RACHEL
as she glances in a doorway.

HER POV - ELAINE'S KITCHEN
It's a sha~bles, with dirty supper dishes piled in the
sink, the table littered with empty beer cans.

BACK TO RACHEL
as she hustles Samuel along.

BOOK/ELAINE
Book frowns:
25.
4:3 CONTINUED: 43
BOOK
Where's Tilllllly and Buck?
ELAINE
Upstairs, asleep. Where'd you
think?
BOOK
You've got a man here and the kids
are upstairs?
ELAINE
That's n?ne of your goddamn
business .1 So keep your goddamn
holier-than-thou mouth shut!
(and)
Anyway, they like Fred.
BOOK
Oh sure, Fred.
Elaine looks like she's going to blow again, then.
decides it's pointless.
ELAINE
Who are these orphans, anyway?
BOOK
They' re Amish.

44 ANGLE IN GUEST ROOM 44
Samuel is asleep in one twin bed in a tiny, cluttered
room. Rachel, in a plain nightgown, is preparing· to
clilllb into the other one.
o.s. we hear a DOOR CLOSE, presumably Book leaving. A
beat, then Elaine opens the door and looks in.
ELAINE
Everything okay?
. RACEEL
Yes, thank you very much.
ELAINE
(a beat)
John said you're Amish.
RACHEL
Yes.
( CON'l'INtJED)
26.
44 CONTIN~D: 44
ELAINE
(blankly)

She nods and goes.
Rachel crosses to Samuel, sits on the bed. Samuel
looks up at her bleakly.
SAMtlEL
I don't want to stay here.
RACHEL
They are English. They don't
understana.
SAMtlEL
But do we have to stay here?
RACHEL
No, we do not. Just for the
night. Sleep now, liebchien.
She puts her hand on his forehead, closes his eyes. She
frowns, and •••

44A EX':'. DRIVE-IN FAST-FOOD JOINT - PHII.Al)ELPBIA - DAWN 44A
Carter exits the cafe carrying burgers, donuts and a
couple of beers. Book wakes from a brief nap as Carter
gets into the car.

448 Book chews into his burger while Carter takes a dough- 44B
nut. Its clear they've worked through the night.-

Genres: Drama, Crime, Mystery
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Confrontational

Summary At Elaine's house, she confronts Book for bringing Rachel and Samuel without notice. Samuel expresses reluctance to stay, while Rachel prays over him. Book and Carter purchase breakfast at a drive-in.

Strengths

Rich character development
Tension-filled dialogue
Unique concept

Weaknesses

Slightly abrupt transitions between scenes
Some dialogue may be overly confrontational

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with the characters' actions and dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking in cohesion.
The dialogue between Book and Elaine feels forced and unnatural, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The introduction of Elaine as Book's sister feels random and unnecessary, adding confusion to an already convoluted scene.
The transition from the confrontation between Book and Elaine to Rachel and Samuel settling in the guest room is abrupt and lacks smooth continuity.
The scene fails to build tension or establish a clear conflict, leaving the audience disengaged and unsure of the scene's significance.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene is too long and lacks focus.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
The characters are not well-developed.
The scene does not advance the plot.

Chosen for their renowned ability in scene structure, which is crucial for this scene.

Critique by William Goldman

The scene is too talky.
The characters are not believable.
The plot is predictable.

Selected for their expertise in dialogue and character development, essential elements in this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is not visually interesting.
The pacing is slow.
The ending is not satisfying.

Chosen for their expertise in scene pacing and visual storytelling, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Focus on streamlining the dialogue and actions of the characters to create a more cohesive and purposeful scene.
Consider removing the subplot with Elaine and instead focus on developing the relationship and dynamics between Book, Rachel, and Samuel.
Work on creating a smoother transition between the different interactions and locations within the scene to improve the flow and coherence.
Introduce a clear conflict or goal for the characters to work towards in the scene to engage the audience and drive the narrative forward.
Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Cut the scene down to two pages.
Focus on the conflict between Rachel and Book.
Develop the characters more.
Add a twist to the plot.

Known for exceptional skill in scene structure, their guidance is pivotal for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Rewrite the dialogue so that it is more natural.
Make the characters more relatable.
Add some humor to the scene.

With profound knowledge in dialogue and character development, their guidance is indispensable for the scene.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Add some visual elements to the scene.
Speed up the pacing.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, crime, and mystery elements, creating tension and emotional depth. The clash of cultures and the unexpected turn of events keep the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an Amish family getting involved in a murder investigation in a modern urban setting is unique and intriguing. It adds layers of complexity to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces a murder mystery and explores the cultural differences between the characters. It moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural differences and family dynamics, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene and reveal underlying tensions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes, especially in their perceptions of each other and their surroundings. These changes set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and comfort her son in a strange and uncomfortable situation. This reflects her deep desire to keep her family safe and maintain their Amish way of life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a safe place to stay for the night. This reflects the immediate challenge of being in a new and unfamiliar environment.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, driving the tension and drama. The clash of cultures and the murder investigation heighten the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and emotions driving the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with a murder investigation, cultural clashes, and personal conflicts at play. The characters' decisions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected conflicts and emotional outbursts between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between the Amish values of simplicity and tradition and the English values of modernity and individualism. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and worldview.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant, with characters facing difficult situations and making tough decisions. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reflects the characters' emotions and conflicts. It adds depth to the scene and enhances character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters and the high stakes of finding a place to stay for the night.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, with clear character motivations and conflicts.

45 EXT. ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY 45
Blaine's house is situated on the corner of a row of
terraces, which stretch into the distance on bOth aides
of the street.

46 INT. ELAINE'S BOUSE 46
as Samuel comes out of the guest rOOID in his night-··
,hirt, turns up the hall and opens the door to the
bathrOOlll.. f
(CONTINUED)
27-

46 CONTINtJED: 46
ANGLE

But it's not the bathroomi it's Elaine's bedroom. She
and FRED are tangled in the sheets, furiously making
love. Elaine ;asps, Fred manages to grunt.
FRED
Wrong door, kid.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Samuel quickly shuts the door. A straight-faced
beat1 then, barely.· Suppressing a giggle, he hurries
on •••

47 ANGLE IN LIVING ROOM 47
as Rachel appears in the living room entry. Samuel is
sitting on the floor with two boys of about his own
age, watching television. They're eating cold cereal
out of a box.

,-.. :RACHEL'S.POV - TV SCREEN
Some artless Saturday morning cartoon.

BACK TO RACHEL

as she frowns, watching her son and the other two
staring hypnotically. Ana •••

48 ANGLE IN LIVING ROOM 48
It's later in the morning now, as Elaine, a bit bleari-
ly, appears in the entryway, stares in groggy disbelief.

BEil PCN - ltIDS

Ber oldest boy and Samuel are busily washing the win-
dows while her youngest is pushing a carpet sweeper.. .
The TV is off.

BACY. TO ELAINE
as she stares.
28.
49 ANGLE IN KITCHEN 49
Rachel is standing in the middle of the now immaculate
kitchen finishing a brisk IDOp of the floor. The coffee
is perking. Elaine appears.
ELAINE
(mutters)
Jesus •••

Rachel turns cheerily.
RACHEL
Good morning •
. ELAINE
(helplessly)
You didn't have to •••
RACHEL
I wanted to. You -re kind to
take us in last night.
(and)
Anyway, I needed something to
do. I was so angry with your
brother! Be's so ••• aganisish
ELAINE
Aganishish? Yeah, that sounds
like John.
She takes a seat at the table, still shaking her head.
RACHEL
Just a minute. I'll pour you some
coffee.
ELAINE
You're not carrying a bullwhip •••
how'd you manage to put my kida to
work?
RACHEL
(smiles)
I made it a contest ••• the one who
does best gets his cereal back
fir at. ·
(and)
Children like to help ••• they only
need to be kept after a little
bit.
Rachel means no harm by this, but Elaine's eyes begin
to storm.
(CONTINUED)
29,
49 CONTINUED: 49
ELAINE
Oh, is that ao?
(and)
No offense, lady, but I'm not ao
sure I like the idea of your
coming in here and tu:ning the
place upside down!
Rachel's smile fades at Elaine'• trembling outburst:
RACHEL
Please, I didn't mean .••
Abruptly Elaine rises and snatches the mop from
Rachel's hands, She mops furiously as she continues:
ELAINE
I know exactly what you meant!
Listen, maybe I'm not a world-
class housefrau, but maybe I don't
have time to polish the goddam
china and •keep after• the kids!
(and)
It's none of your business, but I
don't happen to have~ man around
here full time. So I sell coametics
five days a week in a goddamn
drugstore and sometimes I can even
pay the rent on time! So maybe I'm
not Mary Poppins, but maybe I don't
need to have it jammed down my
th-roat like this - I
She finishes the floor, hurls the mop aside with a
CLATTER:
BLAINE
(continuing)
There! Ia that clean enough for
you? 11
Rachel 1• speechless, Blaine is on the point of burst-
ing into tears. At which point Fred appears at the
entry in bis undershirt, taking in the sparkling
kitchen.
FUD
Jesus, Elaine,,, Somebody die and
leave you a br00111?
C Not a politic observation on Fred'• part.
(CONTINUED)
30.
,,....
I
49 CONTINUED: (2) 49

ELAINE
(blurts)
Go to hell, Fred!
And, bursting into tears, she flees the kitchen. Fred
stares after her.
FRED
What's eating her?
Unperturbed, he crosses to the counter and the coffee
pot, letting his eyes take in Rachel's full figure.

Genres: Drama, Family, Crime
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Dramatic, Confrontational

Summary Samuel accidentally interrupts Elaine's morning encounter with Fred, leading to an awkward encounter. Meanwhile, Rachel tidies up Elaine's house, causing tension between the two women. Elaine's reaction and Fred's snide remark add further strain to the situation, culminating in Elaine's emotional outburst.

Strengths

Authentic character interactions
Emotional depth
Cultural contrast

Weaknesses

Stereotypical portrayal of single motherhood
Some cliched dialogue

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel accidentally walking in on Elaine and Fred having sex to Rachel cleaning up the house, which may be jarring for the audience.
The dialogue between Rachel and Elaine escalates quickly and feels a bit forced, lacking a natural flow in the conversation.
The emotional outburst from Elaine feels somewhat exaggerated and could be toned down to make it more realistic and relatable.
The interaction between Rachel and Elaine could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in their emotions and reactions.
The introduction of Fred's character and his comment at the end of the scene feels out of place and unnecessary, detracting from the main conflict between Rachel and Elaine.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

In this scene between Rachel and Elaine, the conflict arises from the clash of their contrasting values and lifestyles. Rachel, an Amish woman, is characterized by her simplicity, modesty, and unwavering faith. Elaine, on the other hand, represents the modern, secular world, with its emphasis on material possessions, personal freedom, and self-fulfillment.
The tension between these two characters is effectively portrayed through their dialogue and actions. Rachel's gentle nature and humble demeanor contrast sharply with Elaine's more assertive and self-assured personality.
However, the scene could be further improved by delving deeper into the emotional motivations of Elaine. Her outburst towards Rachel seems somewhat abrupt and out of character. Exploring the reasons behind her anger and frustration would enhance her characterization and make her more relatable to the audience.
Additionally, the scene could benefit from a clearer resolution to the conflict. While Rachel's gentle persuasion eventually calms Elaine down, it's unclear whether Elaine truly understands or accepts Rachel's perspective. Addressing this issue would give the scene a more satisfying and impactful ending.

Chosen for their renowned ability in a key area, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The dialogue in this scene is well-written and believable. The characters speak in a natural and authentic way, and their interactions feel genuine.
However, the pacing of the scene could be improved. The first half of the scene isやや slow and could be shortened to build tension and engage the audience more quickly.
Additionally, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of purpose. While the conflict between Rachel and Elaine is clear, it's not entirely clear what the scene is trying to say or accomplish. Giving the scene a more明確な目的 would help to focus the action and make it more impactful.

Selected for their expertise in a specific area, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene between Rachel and Elaine is well-written and has a lot of potential. The conflict between the two characters is clear and engaging, and the dialogue is natural and believable.
However, the scene could be improved by adding more depth and complexity to the characters. Rachel and Elaine are both well-developed, but they could be even more interesting if their motivations and desires were explored in more depth.
Additionally, the scene could benefit from a more明確な構造. The conflict between Rachel and Elaine is resolved too quickly and easily. Adding more obstacles and challenges to the conflict would make the scene more suspenseful and satisfying.
Finally, the scene could benefit from a more cinematic approach. The dialogue is well-written, but it could be more visually interesting if it were broken up with more action and movement.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider smoothing out the transition between Samuel's discovery and Rachel's cleaning up to create a more cohesive flow in the scene.
Work on developing the dialogue between Rachel and Elaine to make it more organic and reflective of their characters' personalities.
Tone down Elaine's emotional outburst to make it more realistic and grounded in the context of the scene.
Focus on building the tension and conflict between Rachel and Elaine with subtlety and depth, rather than relying on overt displays of emotion.
Consider removing Fred's character or his comment at the end to keep the focus on the main conflict between Rachel and Elaine.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

To delve deeper into Elaine's emotional motivations, consider exploring her backstory and the challenges she has faced in her life. This would help the audience understand why she is so quick to anger and why she is so resistant to Rachel's gentle persuasion.
To provide a clearer resolution to the conflict, consider having Elaine come to a deeper understanding of Rachel's perspective. This could be done through a conversation, a shared experience, or a moment of reflection.
Consider adding a more satisfying ending to the scene. This could be done by having Rachel and Elaine reach a deeper level of understanding and acceptance, or by having Elaine take some kind of action that demonstrates her growth and change.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

To improve the pacing of the scene, consider cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue in the first half. This will help to build tension and engage the audience more quickly.
To give the scene a stronger sense of purpose, consider adding a明確なgoal or objective for Rachel. This will help to focus the action and make the scene more impactful.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by John Truby

To add more depth and complexity to the characters, consider exploring their motivations and desires in more depth. This could be done through dialogue, action, or inner monologue.
To add more obstacles and challenges to the conflict, consider creating a situation where Rachel and Elaine are forced to work together to achieve a common goal. This would create tension and suspense, and would make the resolution of the conflict more satisfying.
To create a more cinematic approach, consider using more action and movement to break up the dialogue. This could be done through physical gestures, facial expressions, or changes in setting.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and conflicts, setting up intriguing dynamics and storylines.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing the traditional Amish lifestyle with the chaotic urban environment creates a compelling contrast and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interactions between characters, revealing tensions and complexities within the relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on single motherhood and challenges traditional gender roles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their individual struggles and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and transformation, particularly in their understanding of each other and themselves.

Internal Goal: 8

Elaine's internal goal is to assert her independence and defend her choices as a single mother. She wants to prove that she can handle her responsibilities without judgment or interference.

External Goal: 7

Elaine's external goal is to maintain control over her household and protect her children from outside influences. She wants to show that she can provide for her family and maintain her dignity.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, creating tension and driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions driving the conflict between Elaine and Rachel. The audience is unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as characters confront personal and societal challenges, leading to potential consequences and revelations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new conflicts and relationships, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the raw emotions and unexpected outbursts from the characters. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Rachel's well-meaning but intrusive help and Elaine's desire for autonomy and self-sufficiency. It challenges Elaine's beliefs about motherhood and societal expectations.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional depth of the scene, from anger to vulnerability, resonates with the audience and enhances the storytelling.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, relatable family dynamics, and realistic dialogue. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical domestic drama structure, with clear character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional intensity.

50 INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM 50
as Rachel comes in with Elaine's coffee, closes the
door behind her, Elaine is lying across the bed,
sobbing.
RACHEL
I brought your coffee,
She takes a seat next to the bed.
RACHEL
(continuing)
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that
way.
After a moment, Elaine starts to pull herself together:
ELAINE
It's okay.
(and)
Look, I shouldn't have blown my
top. It's like ••• somehow •••
I've let everything get away from
me. And you sort of -d• me face
it.
She takes the cup, sips the coffee, Raebel smiles et a
private thought.
.ELAINE
(continuing)
What's so funny?
RACHEL
Fred. The way he looked when you
acre&1Ded at him.
(COlffIH'llED)
REV. 4/23/84 31.
50 CONTINUED1 50
BLAINE
(despairing)
Goa, Fred •••
IIACBEI.
At home you'd never bear a WOlllan
scream at a man that way.
ELAINE
No? Why not?
IIACBEI.
You just wouldn't. It'• not the
Amish way.
(thenl
But I think it would have done me •
·aood if I could have screamed at •
your brother last night.
• ELAINE
Listen, I don't know what'• going
on or how you got mixed up with
him, but don't you let that self-
righteous aonofabitch push you
around, okay?
I
Rachel smiles,
RACHEL
Okay,
CtJ'1' TOI

51 INT, BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) - DAY 51
Book glances irritably at Rachels
BOOlt
Now what'• the prOblem?
IIACDL
The problem ia I don't happen to
think my aon should be •pending
all hi• time with a un who
carries a gun under bi• coat and
goes around whacking people.

•• give• her a look:
I
8001t
Whacking?
,....
I
(CONTINUED)
REV • 4 / 2 3 I B 4 32.
Sl CONTINUED: Sl
,...,l RACHEL
(firmly)
Yes. And I also want to leave this
city.
BOOK
Believe me, I'm trying to get this
over with as fast as I can. But
Samuel will probably have to come
back and testify.
RACHEL
We do not go into your courts.
BOOK
People whO' don't go into our courts
when they're told to sometimes go
directly into our jail.
Rachel glares at him and the ride continues on that
chilly note for a beat.
BOOK (CONT'D)
Look, I'rn genuinely sorry. •
RACHEL
(snaps)
No you're not --
(off his look)
You're glad, because now you've
got a witness.
(and)
I heard the other police talking
last night.
(and)
They don't seem to like you very
much.
BOOK
They kid a lot.
RACHEL
(glances at him)
I would not be too sure.

(CONTINUED)
..

0
(
,-..
JlA

51 CONTINUED: 51
Samuel has been glancing at Bobk1 finally he says
something to his mother in German. Book gives her
an inquiring look.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
He says you look very tired. I
thought the same thing.
Book says nothing.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
But not a good tired.
BOOK
What's a 'good' tired. Tired is
tired.
She doesn't bother to explain; Book settles even deeper
into his funk as Samuel glare• at him with hostility.

,-...

.,. -·
..
33,
SlA IN~. IDENTIFICATION ROOM - POLICE B.Q. - DAY SlA
Samuel sits with Book at a desk, Rachel jJst behind.
They are looking at a police line-up of known black
drug-deal.ers. Samuel shakes his head -- another
negative,
Book winks, slyly reaches into a pocket, produces a
yellow gumball. Be surreptitiously shows it to Samuel,
gives him an inquiring look, It's a peace offering.
Samuel grins, nods imperceptibly,

ANOTHER ANGLE
as Book rolls the gumball down the table to Samuel,
But just as Samuel is about to cover it with his hand,
Rachel reaches over and plucks it off the table. She
shakes her head at Samuel.
BOOK
(to Rachel)
Just wanted to see if you were on
your toes.

52 OMITTED 52

52B EXT, CITY PARK - DAY 52B

Book, Sam and Rachel sit on a park bench eating a lunch
of hot dogs heaped with kraut.
Book watches with amusement as Samuel wolfs down bis
lunch, Rachel eyes him a beat, then:
RACHEL
Your sister said you don't have a
family?
BOOK
No,
·RACHEL
She thinks you should get married
and have children of your own.
Instead of trying to be a father
to hers. Except she thinks you're
afraid of the responsibility,
Book gives her a look:
BOOK
Oh? Anything else?
(CONTINUED)
34.
52B CONTINUED: 52B
RACHEL
Oh yes. She thinks you like
policing because you think you're
right about everything. And
you're the only one who can do
anything. And that when you drink
a lot of beer you say things like
none of the other police would
know a crook from a .•• um ••• bag
of elbows.
Book is staring at her. Rachel nods.
RACHEL
(continuing)
I think that's what she said.
Just then Samuel belches with hugh satisfaction,
drawing looks from Book and a couple of passersby.
Rachel smiles proudly.
RACHEL
(continuing)
Good appetite.
CUT TO:

Genres: Drama, Crime, Mystery
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Confrontational, Reflective

Summary In this scene, Elaine apologizes for her outburst and confides in Rachel about her feelings, while Rachel expresses concerns about Book's involvement with her son and the legal system.

Strengths

Complex character dynamics
Emotional depth
Sharp dialogue

Weaknesses

Some moments of abrupt transitions
Potential for confusion with multiple subplots

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping from Elaine's emotional breakdown to Rachel and Book's conversation in the car to Samuel's interaction with Book in the police identification room to a casual lunch in the park.
The transition between the different interactions feels disjointed and abrupt, making it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
The dialogue between Rachel and Book in the car lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to establish a strong connection or tension between the characters.
The introduction of Samuel's perspective and his interaction with Book in the police identification room feels disconnected from the rest of the scene, lacking a clear purpose or impact on the overall narrative.
The lunch scene in the park, while attempting to add a light-hearted moment, feels out of place and does not contribute significantly to the development of the characters or the plot.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict or dramatic question.
The dialogue is overly expository and lacks subtext.
The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
The pacing is slow and the scene lacks momentum.
The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher, and his Story Seminar is considered one of the most prestigious in the industry. He is known for his emphasis on structure, character development, and theme.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is too focused on exposition and lacks action.
The characters are not active enough and their goals are not clear.
The stakes are not high enough and the audience does not feel invested in the outcome.
The dialogue is too on the nose and lacks subtext.
The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters.

John Truby is a screenwriter, story consultant, and author of several books on screenwriting, including The Anatomy of Story. He is known for his emphasis on plot structure, character development, and theme.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is too long and meandering.
The characters are not relatable and their emotions are not clear.
The dialogue is forced and unnatural.
The pacing is slow and the scene lacks tension.
The ending is anticlimactic and does not provide a satisfying resolution.

Linda Seger is a screenwriter, story consultant, and author of several books on screenwriting, including Creating Unforgettable Characters. She is known for her emphasis on character development, emotional resonance, and theme.

General Suggestions

Focus on one central conflict or theme in the scene to provide a clear direction and purpose for the interactions between the characters.
Improve the transitions between different interactions by creating a smoother flow that connects the scenes cohesively.
Enhance the dialogue between Rachel and Book in the car to deepen their relationship and add emotional depth to their interaction.
Ensure that each interaction and conversation in the scene serves a specific purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
Consider trimming down unnecessary scenes or moments, such as the lunch in the park, to maintain a tighter and more focused narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict or dramatic question of the scene.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtextual and nuanced.
Develop the characters more fully and give them clear motivations.
Tighten the pacing and build momentum throughout the scene.
Write a more satisfying ending that resolves the conflict or advances the plot.

Suggestion by John Truby

Add more action to the scene and make the characters more active.
Give the characters clear goals and raise the stakes so that the audience is invested in the outcome.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtextual and nuanced.
Tighten the pacing and build suspense throughout the scene.
Write an ending that advances the plot or develops the characters.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Cut the scene down to its essential elements.
Make the characters more relatable and their emotions more clear.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and authentic.
Tighten the pacing and build tension throughout the scene.
Write an ending that provides a satisfying resolution or leaves the audience with a sense of anticipation.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and multi-dimensional, with strong emotional impact and intriguing character dynamics.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a crime investigation with Amish culture and family dynamics is unique and compelling.

Plot: 7

The plot is intricate and moves at a good pace, introducing conflict and mystery effectively.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces fresh conflicts and character dynamics, blending traditional elements with modern themes.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward with depth and authenticity.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle shifts in character dynamics, especially between Rachel and Book, adding depth to their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Elaine's internal goal is to come to terms with her emotions and regain control over her life. She expresses regret for her outburst and acknowledges the need to confront her issues.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a complex situation involving family dynamics, legal issues, and personal relationships.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple layers of conflict present, both internal and external, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high, with the investigation into a murder and the clash of cultures adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new clues, conflicts, and character developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and emotional revelations, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between traditional values and modern societal norms, as seen in the discussion about the 'Amish way' and the protagonist's actions.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly grief, anger, and hope.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character motivations and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character conflicts, and subtle humor, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between emotional moments and tense interactions.

S2C INT. OUTER OFFICE/WAITING ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION - 52C
DAY
Rachel sits uneasily in the outer office, one or two
police clerks eying her curiously. A sign on the desk
reads •Narcotics Division.•
Rachel cranes forward trying to peer through a par-
tially open door.

520 INT. DETECTIVES ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION, P0I.ICE B.Q. 52D
- DAY
A group of Narcotics Detectives are interrupted in mid-
conversation by the opening of the main office door.
They stare in considerable surprise.
CUT TO: ,,

John Book standin~ in the doorway, holding little
Samuel by the hand.
BOOK
Afternoon, gentlemen. I'd like
you to meet Samuel Lapp. We'd
like a little assistance.
35,
52E .INT. SMALL OFFICE, NARCOTICS DIVISION - llAY 52E
A Narcotics Detective enters the room laden with sev-
eral volumes of mug shots. Be puts them on the desk
beside a similar book which Samuel is intently study-
ing. Sam sits on tne chair cushions in a big swivel
rocker.
The Detective, Sgt. KAMAN, eyes Book a little auspi-
ciously -- internal affairs officers are not greeted
warmly by the working policemen in any department,
KAHAN
There's a Sgt. Carter on the phone
for you.
Book gets up and moves to the door.
KAHAN
(continuing)
And, Captain, don't want to rush
you, but I'm gonna need these
files back in a half hour. We got
a lot of work to do round here.
The two men leave. Samuel looks about before hopping
( off his perch and following the direction taken by
,,,,... Book,
53 OMITTED 53
thru thru
56 56

Genres: Drama, Crime, Mystery
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary John Book and Samuel Lapp enter the Narcotics Division and request assistance from the Detectives. Book asks Sgt. Kaman for access to mug shot files and is told to return them in half an hour. Rachel, waiting in the outer office, observes the interaction from afar.

Strengths

Tension-building
Emotional depth
Intriguing plot development

Weaknesses

Potential for cliched dialogue
Lack of diversity in character interactions

General Critique

The scene lacks depth and development, as it is quite short and doesn't provide much context or emotional impact.
There is a missed opportunity to explore Rachel's feelings and thoughts while she waits in the outer office, which could add depth to her character.
The introduction of Samuel and the request for assistance from the Narcotics Detectives feels abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and tension.
The interaction between Book, Samuel, and Sgt. Kaman lacks depth and complexity, missing an opportunity to delve into the dynamics between the characters.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Steven Zaillian

The scene lacks tension and conflict. There's not a clear goal or obstacle for the characters, which makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
The dialogue is exposition-heavy and unnatural. It feels like the characters are simply delivering information to the audience, rather than having a real conversation.
The scene is too short. It doesn't give the audience enough time to get to know the characters or their motivations.

Chosen for their renowned ability in writing gripping and suspenseful scenes, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by David Milch

The scene lacks emotional depth. The characters are underdeveloped and their interactions feel superficial.
The pacing is too slow. The scene drags and there's not enough movement or action to keep the audience engaged.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next, which makes it less suspenseful.

Selected for their expertise in creating complex and emotionally resonant characters, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Lydia Woodward

The scene is visually uninteresting. There's not much movement or activity, and the setting is bland and uninspired.
The use of sound is ineffective. The scene is too quiet, and there's not enough ambient noise to create a sense of atmosphere or place.
The editing is choppy. The scene feels disjointed and fragmented, which makes it difficult for the audience to follow the action.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider expanding the scene to include more interactions and dialogue between the characters to add depth and complexity.
Explore Rachel's internal thoughts and emotions while she waits in the outer office to provide insight into her character.
Build up the tension and stakes in the interaction between Book, Samuel, and Sgt. Kaman to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
Add visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
Consider incorporating subplots or additional layers of conflict to enrich the scene and keep the audience invested.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Steven Zaillian

Add a clear goal or obstacle for the characters. What do they want to achieve, and what's preventing them from getting it?
Rewrite the dialogue so that it's more natural and engaging. Have the characters talk to each other like real people, rather than delivering information to the audience.
Expand the scene to give the audience more time to get to know the characters and their motivations.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by David Milch

Develop the characters more fully. Give them clear motivations, flaws, and desires.
Speed up the pacing. Add more movement and action to the scene, and cut out any unnecessary dialogue.
Make the scene less predictable. Surprise the audience with unexpected twists and turns.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Lydia Woodward

Add more visual interest to the scene. Use movement, lighting, and composition to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience.
Use sound more effectively. Add ambient noise, music, and sound effects to create a sense of atmosphere and place.
Smooth out the editing. Make the scene flow more seamlessly by using smoother transitions and cutting less frequently.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, setting up a compelling storyline within the Narcotics Division. The introduction of Samuel adds depth and complexity to the plot.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of going undercover in the Narcotics Division is intriguing and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up a mystery surrounding the involvement of Rachel and Samuel in the Narcotics Division.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the police procedural genre by focusing on a civilian seeking assistance from law enforcement, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Rachel and Samuel, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Rachel undergoes a significant change as she steps out of her comfort zone to protect her son, showing her strength and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar and potentially dangerous environment of the police station while seeking assistance for her and Samuel.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to seek assistance from the Narcotics Division for an unknown reason, possibly related to the plot's conflict or challenges.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, as Rachel navigates the challenges of being in the Narcotics Division.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from both the suspicious detectives and the time constraints set by Sgt. Kaman.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Rachel puts herself in a dangerous situation to protect her son, risking her own safety in the process.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plotline involving Rachel and Samuel in the Narcotics Division, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between the characters and the unknown reasons for seeking assistance from the Narcotics Division.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the tension between law enforcement and civilians, as well as the internal affairs officers' distrust from working policemen.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in the interactions between Rachel and Samuel, as well as Rachel's internal struggle.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and emotional, reflecting the inner turmoil of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and the mystery surrounding the protagonist's motives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome of the protagonist's actions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with clear transitions between locations and interactions between characters.

57 INT. DETECTIVES ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION - OAY 57
Through glass partitions we can see Book on the tele-
phone in a cubicle of an office,
Samuel has drifted out of the office and is idling amid
the bustle of the 1quadroom.
Be cro11e1 to a glass case which holds a collection of
plaques and framed newspaper accounts which denote
instances of outstanding duty and achievement.

ANGLE THOUGH GLASS CASE
a1 Samuel moves along, only half interested in what his
eyes are taking in, not really old enough to comprehend
anyway.

,-.. Until suddenly he freezes.
(CONTINUED)
36,
57 CONTINUED: 57
SAMUEL'S POV -- NEWSPAPER ACCOUNT
Enlarged, prominently displayed. The headline reads:
Division Chief McElrov Honored For Youth Project.
Accompanying the item is a large sidebar mug-shot of
McElroy - clearly the black 111an who murdered the young
cop in the train station men's room.

BACK TO SAMUEL
Be stares, transfixed.
-

A long beat, then Book, lowering himself to one knee
next to Samuel, ENTERS FRAME.
Be's watching Samuel, knowing from the boy's expression
that they've found their man. Samuel slowly raises bis
hand to point at the photograph, Book gently takes the
boy's small hand in his, concealing the accusation from
watchful eyes. Be smiles gently at the boy.

SB I~T. BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) - PHILADELPHIA - DUSK 58
Rachel is curled tight in her CQrner of the front seat
holding Samuel close. Book glances at her:
RACHEL
Why don't you arrest that man?
Are you protecting him because
he's a policeman?
BOOK
(snaps)
Listen, I'm the cop that polices
the police, I'm not in the
business of protecting crooked
cops.
(eases up)
I'll make an arrest when I know
everybody involved,
Rachel shakes her head.
RACHEL
But why would they murder •••
BOOK
Because they knew I was getting
close.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 37.

58 CONTINUED: 58

Another beat, then:
RACHEL
I'm afraid. I'm afraid for
Samuel. I want to go home.
BOOK
You'll be safe. You don't have to
worry.

Suddenly Rachel explodes:
RACHEL
Oh yes! Of course! Why shouldn't
we feel safe in a city where the
police are so busy killing each
other!
CUT TO:

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary After identifying Division Chief McElroy as the murderer, Samuel is comforted by Book, who conceals the accusation. As they drive away, Rachel expresses fear and demands an arrest. Book reassures her that he will make arrests once he gathers sufficient evidence.

Strengths

Intense dialogue
Emotional depth
Complex character dynamics
High stakes
Suspenseful atmosphere

Weaknesses

Potential for graphic violence
Complex plot may require close attention from the audience

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed.
The dialogue between Rachel and Book feels forced and lacks depth, especially in addressing Rachel's fear and concerns for her son.
The emotional impact of Rachel's outburst is not fully explored, leaving the scene feeling incomplete.
The tension between Rachel and Book could be heightened to create a more engaging conflict.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and emotions of the characters.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene is too long and lacks focus. It tries to do too many things at once, and as a result, it doesn't have a clear emotional impact.
The dialogue is stiff and unnatural. The characters don't speak like real people, and they frequently explain the plot to each other.
The pacing is off. The scene starts slowly, then speeds up in the middle, and then slows down again at the end.
The conflict between Rachel and Book is not well-developed. It's not clear what they want from each other, and their motivations are not believable.

Robert McKee is a world-renowned expert in storytelling and screenwriting. His book, 'Story,' is considered one of the bibles of the industry.

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident. It's not clear what event sets the plot in motion.
The characters are not well-developed. They're not given enough backstory or motivation to make them relatable.
The stakes are not high enough. The characters don't have anything to lose, so there's no tension or suspense.
The resolution is too easy. The characters solve their problems too quickly and easily, and there's no sense of struggle or triumph.

John Truby is a successful screenwriter and story consultant. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story,' is a popular guide for writers.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is not visually interesting. There's not enough action or movement to keep the audience engaged.
The dialogue is too expositional. The characters talk too much about their feelings and motivations, and not enough about what they're going to do.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next, and there's no surprise or suspense.
The ending is not satisfying. It leaves the audience feeling unsatisfied and wanting more.

Linda Seger is a Hollywood script consultant and author of several books on screenwriting, including 'Making a Good Script Great.'

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to establish continuity.
Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Book to delve deeper into Rachel's fears and concerns, adding emotional depth to the scene.
Explore the aftermath of Rachel's outburst to fully capture the emotional impact and create a more compelling conflict.
Heighten the tension between Rachel and Book to increase the stakes and engage the audience.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and impactful scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Cut the scene in half. Focus on the most important conflict between Rachel and Book, and develop it more fully.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it's more natural and believable. Let the characters speak in their own voices, and avoid having them explain the plot to each other.
Slow down the pacing in the middle of the scene. Give the audience time to absorb the information and get to know the characters.
Add some more obstacles to the conflict between Rachel and Book. Make it more difficult for them to resolve their problems, and create more tension and suspense.

Suggestion by John Truby

Add a clear inciting incident to the beginning of the scene. This could be something as simple as Rachel discovering Samuel's involvement with Book, or Book being confronted by his superiors about his investigation.
Develop the characters' backstories and motivations more fully. Give them something to lose, and make the audience understand why they're fighting for what they want.
Raise the stakes of the conflict. Make it clear that Rachel and Book have everything to lose if they don't resolve their problems.
Complicate the resolution of the conflict. Make it more difficult for Rachel and Book to find a solution, and create more tension and suspense.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Add some more action and movement to the scene. This could involve having the characters move around more, or having them interact with their environment in a more physical way.
Cut down on the expositional dialogue. Let the characters reveal their feelings and motivations through their actions, rather than through talking about them.
Add some surprises to the scene. Keep the audience guessing about what's going to happen next.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Leave the audience feeling satisfied and wanting more.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, crime, and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner conflicts of the characters, enhancing the overall storytelling.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a grieving mother caught in a dangerous urban environment while seeking justice for her son's witness to a murder is compelling and sets up a complex narrative with high stakes and emotional depth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing new conflicts, escalating tension, and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. The revelation of the murderer's identity and the characters' reactions drive the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on internal conflicts within the police force and the pursuit of justice. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Rachel and Book, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their fears, motivations, and internal struggles. Samuel's role as a witness adds a sense of vulnerability and danger to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Rachel experiences a shift in her perception of the city and the justice system, moving from fear and confusion to a determination to protect her son and seek justice. Book also shows a softer side in his interactions with Rachel and Samuel, hinting at a potential change in his approach to his work.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the murder and protect Samuel. This reflects his deeper need for justice and safety for those he cares about.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to make an arrest when he knows everybody involved in the case. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the murder and bringing the culprit to justice.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional, moral, and physical stakes at play. The characters are faced with difficult choices, internal struggles, and external threats, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the investigation, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing threats to their safety, moral dilemmas, and the pursuit of justice in a dangerous environment. The outcome of the murder investigation and the characters' actions have far-reaching consequences, increasing the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the murder case, deepening the character relationships, and raising the stakes for the protagonists. It sets up new conflicts and challenges that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation, the moral conflicts, and the characters' shifting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between upholding justice and facing corruption within the police force. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the system and his role as a detective.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, anger, and empathy. The characters' struggles and the high stakes of the situation create a powerful emotional impact that resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts. It drives the scene forward, creates tension, and adds depth to the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining the audience's interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a focus on investigation, character interactions, and tension building.

59 EXT./INT. SCHAEFFER HOME, PHILADELPHIA SUBURBS - 59
NIGHT
The front door of Schaeffer's upper-middle class home
,-...I is opened by his wife MARILYN •. She knows Book and is
surprised and delighted to see him. In the background
a teenage daughter KATHY is visible. Schaeffer himself
appears and Book is welcomed inside.

INT. SCHAEFFER'S STUDY - NIGHT
Schaeffer passes Book a drink.
(CONTINUED)

--
►

0

,-...
REV. -1/23/8~ 38.

S9 CONTINUEO S9
,,,.!.. Book is excited, animated ••• this is the case that
will make ·his career.
BOOK
It was McElroy, Paul.
Schaeffer gives him a sharp look.
BOOK (CONT'D)
He's one of them anyway. •
SCHAEFFER *
McElroy? Sergerant in Narotics?
, BOOK •
Positive t.D. from the kid.
SCHAEFFER •
I hope you don't have any
doubts about that.
BOOK •
It fits, Paul • • • Five hundred
gallons of P•two-P confiscated
four years ago • • • Guess who
was in on the collar? McElroy.
(excited, exp'lain-
ing the thing eagerly)
He salted it away somewhere • • • he
knew the stuff was potent, but
the street chemists didn't know
how to process it. Now they do.
(and)
And the stuff is now worth five-
grand a pint • • • Figure it out •••
SCHAEFFER •
Where's McElroy now?

BOOK (smiles) •
Florida, vacation.
SCHAEFFER •
Okay, what are you going to
nee~ to clean it up.

,-...
(CONTINUED)
REV. 6/12/84 39.
.. • I .·

59 CON'l'ImJED .- . '., '••,: ''.59
:SOCK *
Mo:e people • . • people from
curside thP. De:artment .•. :ut some-
one on Mc:Elrc~•:•• watch and- wait.
SCHAEFFER *
Right. Maybe the Bureau, or those
bastards at Treas~ry. I'll take care
of that. I want maximum security on
this. Where's the boy?

. , l BOOK *
~y sisters p a:e.

SCHAEFFER *
We'll have to move him. Who
else knows:>
BOOK *
Just us.
. ..
SCHAEFFE~ *
Let's keep it that way. ~ow,
wta~•s yo~: !i:st ~ove:
ECO:< .
(ex:els a breath)
A hot ~hewer ... ! have~•t changed
clo~hes in twc days.

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Excited, Serious, Suspenseful

Summary Book arrives at the Schaeffer's home and reveals to Schaeffer that Sergeant McElroy is involved in the theft of 500 gallons of P2P. Book requests more resources to clean up the situation. Schaeffer agrees and insists on keeping the information confidential. The scene ends with Book suggesting a hot shower and change of clothes.

Strengths

Engaging plot development
Realistic dialogue
Strong character interactions

Weaknesses

Potential for excessive exposition
Limited focus on emotional depth

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes involved in the case being discussed.
The dialogue feels somewhat expository and could benefit from more natural and dynamic interactions between the characters.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact of the revelations about McElroy and the implications for the characters involved.
The scene could be more visually engaging by incorporating more descriptive elements to enhance the setting and character interactions.
The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a more gripping and suspenseful atmosphere.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Syd Field

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes involved in the case. The dialogue is informative but lacks emotional depth and conflict.
The character interactions feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext and nuance.
The scene could be more visually engaging by including actions or gestures that reveal the characters' emotions and intentions.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating compelling conflict and tension in screenplays.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The dialogue is informative but lacks the signature rapid-fire, witty exchanges that Sorkin is known for.
The scene could benefit from more dynamic and engaging dialogue to enhance the character interactions and make the exposition more engaging.
There is potential to inject more humor or clever wordplay to make the scene more memorable and entertaining.

Selected for their expertise in crafting sharp, engaging dialogue that drives the narrative forward.

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear emotional throughline that connects the characters' actions and motivations.
There is a need to delve deeper into the characters' internal conflicts and desires to create more depth and complexity.
The scene could benefit from subtle foreshadowing or hints at future conflicts to build anticipation and suspense.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth and character development.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more conflict and emotional depth to the interactions between Book and Schaeffer to heighten the tension in the scene.
Work on refining the dialogue to make it more realistic and engaging, with a focus on character dynamics and motivations.
Explore ways to visually enhance the scene by incorporating details that help to set the mood and atmosphere effectively.
Consider restructuring the scene to build up the suspense and urgency surrounding the case and the characters' motivations.
Focus on creating a more dynamic and engaging exchange between Book and Schaeffer to elevate the impact of the revelations about McElroy and the case.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Syd Field

Introduce a ticking clock element to create a sense of urgency in the scene, such as a deadline or a looming threat.
Add a conflict between Book and Schaeffer to heighten tension and reveal more about their characters.
Consider adding physical actions or reactions that convey the characters' inner emotional states.

Known for exceptional skill in creating engaging conflict and tension in screenplays.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Revise the dialogue to be more snappy and impactful, focusing on character dynamics and power plays.
Include more banter or verbal sparring between Book and Schaeffer to make the scene more dynamic.
Look for opportunities to inject humor or clever wordplay to enhance the dialogue and keep the audience engaged.

With profound knowledge in crafting engaging dialogue, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Explore the characters' internal conflicts and desires through their actions and dialogue to create more depth.
Consider adding subtle hints or foreshadowing of future conflicts to build a sense of anticipation and suspense.
Further develop the emotional throughline by connecting the characters' actions to their inner motivations and goals.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and intense, with a strong focus on the investigation and the characters' motivations. It moves the story forward significantly and sets up important developments for the plot.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a murder suspect and the intricate details of police work are well-executed in this scene. It adds depth to the overall storyline and keeps the audience invested in the investigation.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the investigation and the pursuit of justice. The scene advances the main storyline by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the intricacies of drug processing and law enforcement tactics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Book and Schaeffer, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. The scene showcases their dedication to solving the case and the tensions within the police department.

Character Changes: 6

Book experiences a shift in his focus and determination as he identifies the suspect, leading to a change in his approach to the case. This sets up potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve a high-stakes case that will make his career. This reflects his desire for professional success and recognition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to clean up a drug-related situation and ensure maximum security. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his line of work.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal (Book's desire to solve the case) and external (the pressure from Schaeffer and the need for justice). The conflicting motivations and goals drive the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and hidden agendas among the characters. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters work to solve a murder case and uncover the truth. There is pressure to succeed, both for personal reasons and for the pursuit of justice.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future events. It propels the investigation and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the case and the characters' decisions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of law enforcement tactics and the pursuit of justice. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the need for secrecy and security in handling the case.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, suspense, and determination. The audience is invested in the outcome of the investigation and the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the urgency and seriousness of the situation. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the investigation forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' interactions and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the effectiveness of the scene.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize. The scene directions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a crime genre screenplay, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.

EXT. PH::.ADE:.?HIA S':'REE':S * A60
Book's car passes by o~ the way home.
60 !N':'. L"!:DERGRCL"ND GARAGE - PH!LADELPHIA - NIGHT 60
As Book wheels in, parks in the f.g.
INT. CAR
As Book picks up a folder from the seat next to him,
opens it. Revealed is a photo of McFee and a
personnel file.
He frowns, closes the folder, then opens the door and
starts to get out.
As Bo~k crosses through the car-park he hears th4 soft
CLICK OF A CLOSING CAR DOOR &omewhere behind hi.Ill. He
is awa-:e of the ECHO OF ~ICTHER SET OF SHOES on the
cement floor, steps just out of synch with his own.
,... LOW ANGLE
A fig~re some dozen yards behind him1 in the hand of
the figure, carried almost casually, a revolver with a
silencer attached.
(CONTINUED)
60

ANGLE
On Bcoit as he turns, se,•i- McElroy strolling towarc
,,,.... hi11, HcEl-roy is smilin•• • almost friendly. The 111oment
is elongated, dream•lik,•, Book hears Schaeffer'• voice
in some inner recess of his brain•-
$CHAEFFER (V. 0. l
Who else ltnowi,:'
DOOJt (V .o. l
Just us.
And, McElroy is raising his weapon, The mood is broken
as Book yells, swears, }caps to one aide, the DULL THUD
of McElroy'1 PISTOL. Bc>0k rolls, draws his ,38 FIRES
BACJ(, the SOUND OF THE !-IIOT ECHOING around the car-
park.
(CONTINUED)

,,,.._

C

(
Rev. 6/12/S.L
I • ...
40.
50 60
Mc:Elroy SP~:.-s SSO'!'S i:, :Seek' s di:ectien. At t."lis mo-
ment the lift- deer opens to reveal a mid~le-a;ed
couple, ■hccked to reali:e thev've arrived in the mid-
dle of a gun battle, The WCD&n ■cream■, a• look wbo ia
quite near the lift, FUES again, HcSl:i:oy ia ruMin9 ·
back toward bis car. Bock shouts for tbe couple to 90
back i:p, as Mc!l:cy, T~S S ~ G , accelerate• up
t."le exit ra::ip.
The lift diaappea:s with t."le white-faced couple almc ■ t
at tbe ■am• mo::ient as Mc!lroy - leaving look in tbe
suddenly silent car park.,
Be leans heavily en t."le bocd of a car and open■ his
jacket. Be's been hit in the side and bis shirt is
soaked with blood, Painfully he scoops up his file ■
fro= tbe floor, ar.d makes hi• way toward bis own
•ebicle.
c:J'l' '1'0:

6l
' t:
62
61

'
62

63
as he's awakened l::y t."le aING~G bedside T!l.ZPl!ONE. Be
■:laps en a lar.:p, ::iana~•• to fccu ■ on the bedside clcck
and the at:ocious hcu:.
Cll~R
Gcod fuckin; mor:iin9.

64 :mT!Jlci:n aoox ·
Be's an at n.d. pay phone. Rachel and Samuel sit in*
Elaine's car in the a.a.
100K
Liaten carefully, I wrote tbe
Allliah woman'• name and address on
my de ■ k calendar. I want you to
loae it for••• Nov. Tonight.
CAl\'1'Zll i·
(confuaed)
What the hell are you talking
about?_ What's happening?
,-.. (C0lftIHU!:D l
,1.
64 CONTINUED: 64
BOOK
Nothing. I'm not going to be
around for awhile. I'll call you
when I can.
CARTER
(alarmed)
Johnny, what the fuck - 1
BOOK
Just take care of the name for me,
and watch your back. My old
friend and mentor, Paul Schaeffer,
is dirty, stinking fucking dirty.

65 OMITTED 65

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense, Emotional

Summary Book arrives home from work and notices a car following him. As he walks to his apartment, he hears footsteps behind him and the sound of a car door closing. Turning around, he sees a figure with a gun raised. The figure fires, but Book rolls out of the way and returns fire, hitting the figure, who is revealed to be McElroy. McElroy escapes, wounded, as the lift opens to reveal a couple who witness the gun battle.

Strengths

Tension-building
Emotional depth
Character dynamics
Plot progression

Weaknesses

Violent confrontation may be too intense for some audiences

General Critique

The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it abruptly transitions from Book arriving home to a sudden gun battle with McElroy.
The tension and suspense in the scene are not effectively built up, as the confrontation with McElroy feels rushed and lacks proper setup.
The dialogue between Book and McElroy is minimal and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore the characters' motivations and emotions.
The action sequences are described in a confusing and disjointed manner, making it difficult for the reader to follow the events unfolding.
The scene lacks a clear resolution or consequence, as the outcome of the gun battle with McElroy is left ambiguous.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The scene lacks clear and concise dialogue that would enhance the tension and urgency of the situation.
The action sequences need to be more dynamic and visually engaging to captivate the audience.
There is a lack of character development and emotional depth in the interaction between Book and the other characters.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating compelling dialogue and engaging storytelling.

Critique by Quentin Tarantino

The scene lacks the signature Tarantino style of suspense-building and nonlinear storytelling.
The use of violence is not utilized effectively to create a sense of danger and unpredictability.
The scene could benefit from more creative camera angles and shots to intensify the visual impact.

Selected for their expertise in creating tension and unique storytelling techniques.

Critique by Christopher Nolan

The scene lacks a narrative structure that would enhance the pacing and coherence of the storytelling.
The transitions between the different elements of the scene could be smoother to create a more seamless flow.
There is a need for deeper exploration of the characters' motivations and internal conflicts to elevate the emotional impact of the scene.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth and narrative complexity.

General Suggestions

Provide more context and buildup to the confrontation with McElroy to create a sense of anticipation and suspense.
Develop the dialogue between Book and McElroy to add depth to their interaction and reveal more about their characters.
Improve the pacing of the action sequences by describing them in a more coherent and engaging manner.
Consider adding consequences or repercussions to the events in the scene to create a more impactful and meaningful outcome.
Ensure that the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters, rather than feeling like a random and disconnected event.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Rewrite the dialogue to be more succinct and impactful, focusing on building tension and conveying the characters' emotions clearly.
Add subtext to the interactions between characters to deepen the complexity of their relationships and motivations.
Consider incorporating internal monologues or character reflections to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings.

Known for exceptional skill in crafting dialogue and character dynamics.

Suggestion by Quentin Tarantino

Introduce nonlinear storytelling elements to create a sense of unpredictability and intrigue in the scene.
Enhance the use of violence to heighten the stakes and create a more intense atmosphere.
Experiment with unconventional camera angles and editing techniques to enhance the visual impact of the scene.

With profound knowledge in creating tension and unique storytelling, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Christopher Nolan

Implement a more structured narrative approach to improve the coherence and pacing of the scene.
Focus on seamless transitions between different elements to create a unified and engaging storytelling experience.
Delve deeper into the characters' internal conflicts and motivations to add layers of complexity and emotional depth.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, driving the plot forward.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an undercover detective facing off against a murder suspect in a high-stakes situation is compelling. The scene effectively explores themes of justice and loyalty.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression towards a confrontation between the detective and the suspect. The scene moves the story forward and raises the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar action sequence, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the tension and conflict in the scene. The emotional depth of the characters adds to the overall impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations during the scene, particularly in their interactions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect himself from the threat posed by McElroy. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being harmed.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from McElroy and avoid being shot. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the form of a gun battle.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the detective and the murder suspect is intense and drives the scene forward. The high stakes and emotional tension heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and uncertain outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the detective facing a dangerous suspect and the potential for violence. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, revealing new information and escalating the conflict. It sets up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between survival and morality. The protagonist must make split-second decisions to protect himself, which may conflict with his moral values.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, with fear, anxiety, and shock evoked in the characters and audience. The emotional depth adds layers to the conflict and themes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions. It effectively conveys the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, wondering how the protagonist will escape from danger.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and suspense effectively.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7.5

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective use of visual cues to enhance the atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a dramatic climax.

66 INT. GUEST ROOM, ELAINE'S BOUSE - NIGHT 66
as the door opens and Elaine switches on the light,
rousing Rachel. Elaine looks haggard.
I ELAINE
! It's John. Be says you have to
' leave now. Be says i~'s ur~ent.
,-,.
She leaves the room as Rachel instantly awake, moves
quickly to rouse Samuel.

66A EXT. BATHROOM DOOR 66A

Elaine is outside the bathroom listening to instruc-
tions from her brother. From inside we hear the SOUND
OF RONNING WATER. Elaine is puzzled but also senses
the urgency.
BOOK CV .o. l
Put my car in the garage and close
the door.
ELAINE
John, I don't understand any of
this - 1
BOOK CV .o.)
(snaps)
You don't know anyth1ng1 I
borrowed your car. Didn't say
why. And you never heard of that
woman and her boy.
(CONTINUED)
Rev. 6 /12 / 8·4 -
., ...
. .
. .. ;

42.
CQNTINt;t;>: Ci6A
EUI!lE
Jol:n, wl:y? •••
BOOK (V .o.)
(■bouts)
Ju1t do itl

,,:a ,o
lock leeks at bimaelf in the mirror, bis !ac:e is pale
and drawn. Be examines the wound, a cleanly drilled
bcla thrcu;b bis right aide, just under the rib cage.
T~• wound continues tc bleed a• be bind• a towel
tightly about bi:I, before putting bis abirt back en.
Ba than carefully wipes away any trac•• cf bleed en the
basin with tissues which be flushes dcwn the toilet.

67
'. ..
,, . .•... -·.,-

I
68 * 68
I"' As Bcwk drives Elai~e•s car out of ~he city.

0
Rev. 6/12/84 43 .
. .. . :..

69 ::r:. PEI~~;;i::.A :&'O:.IC::: ~Q'C'AA~'-S - 3C0!.t' S 69
O!TIC:Z -N:~.
ANCi..E PAS'!' :ao0k's desk ca.:.endar. Carter enters in the
b.9., c:oss~• c;-.ii.ckly :=. the desi.. lie snaps on a
light, thu:=s a page of t.,e calendar, frowns.

Rachel's na::e and address scribbled on a page of the
ca!er.~•=·

Carter rips out the pa~e, crum.:,les it and drops it in
his pocket.
Be starts t0 90 •••
.· ...

A couple cf plainclot.~es~en have paused outside the
doer t= g i •1e hi~ a l00k.
Car:e: =ee:s t.,eir eyes. They ::eve on.
Car:er shakes it 0ff, ;oes. And •••
Ctn '1'0:

I
,-..,
REV. 4/23/84

70 OMITTED 70

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense

Summary Elaine informs Rachel of John's urgent request for her departure. John examines an injury and gives secretive instructions to Elaine. Rachel and Samuel are hastily awakened. Book provides enigmatic instructions to Elaine. Carter examines a calendar with Rachel's information before being interrupted by plainclothesmen.

Strengths

Intense atmosphere
Complex characters
High-stakes plot

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

General Critique

The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the urgency and actions of the characters.
The dialogue between Elaine and Rachel feels disjointed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The transition from Elaine receiving instructions from her brother to John examining his wound is abrupt and disrupts the flow of the scene.
The actions of the characters, such as John wiping away blood traces in the basin, feel disconnected and do not contribute to the overall narrative.
The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to create a sense of tension or suspense, which is crucial for engaging the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear conflict and dramatic tension, making it difficult to engage the audience.
The dialogue is flat and unmemorable, failing to advance the plot or reveal the characters' inner lives.
The scene's pacing is slow and meandering, without a clear sense of purpose or direction.
The characters' motivations are unclear, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them or understand their actions.

Chosen for their renowned ability in story structure and character development, which are critical for this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene does not follow a clear three-act structure, which makes it feel disjointed and lacking in momentum.
The inciting incident is weak and fails to grab the audience's attention or create a sense of urgency.
The turning point is predictable and lacks emotional impact.
The resolution is rushed and unsatisfying, leaving the audience feeling cheated.

Selected for their expertise in screenwriting structure, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a strong thematic core, which makes it feel unfocused and superficial.
The characters are not well-developed and their relationships are not explored in depth.
The setting is not visually interesting or evocative.
The scene does not contribute to the overall story arc and feels like a filler.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Clarify the urgency and purpose of the scene to provide a clear direction for the characters and the audience.
Develop the dialogue between Elaine and Rachel to add depth to their interaction and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
Smooth out the transition between Elaine receiving instructions and John examining his wound to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Ensure that the actions of the characters are meaningful and contribute to the overall story arc to keep the audience engaged.
Introduce elements of tension and suspense to create a more compelling and emotionally resonant scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify a clear conflict that pits the characters against each other and creates dramatic tension.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural, revealing, and engaging.
Tighten the pacing by cutting unnecessary dialogue and action.
Develop the characters' motivations by exploring their past experiences and inner conflicts.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Revise the scene to follow a clear three-act structure, with a strong inciting incident, turning point, and resolution.
Create a more compelling inciting incident that grabs the audience's attention and sets the stakes for the rest of the scene.
Develop a more surprising and emotionally impactful turning point.
Rewrite the resolution to provide a satisfying payoff and leave the audience feeling satisfied.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by John Truby

Identify a strong thematic core that will give the scene depth and meaning.
Develop the characters by giving them clear goals, motivations, and conflicts.
Create a visually interesting and evocative setting that supports the theme of the scene.
Rewrite the scene to make it more relevant to the overall story arc.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and keeps the audience engaged with its high-stakes plot and emotional impact.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation, murder investigation, and witness protection is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, with multiple layers of conflict, suspense, and character dynamics that drive the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a mysterious situation with hidden motives and danger, adding a fresh twist to the typical suspenseful scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience growth and change in the scene, particularly in their relationships and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to understand the urgency of the situation and to protect herself and Samuel.

External Goal: 7

The external goal is to follow John's instructions and leave the house immediately.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with multiple layers of tension, danger, and moral dilemmas that drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene adds to the suspense and uncertainty of the characters' situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line, secrets at risk, and the outcome of the investigation hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the hidden motives and danger that the characters are facing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between the characters' desire for safety and the unknown danger they are facing.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and urgency, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the urgency and emotional intensity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its quick pacing, mysterious elements, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows standard formatting for a suspenseful scene, with clear action and dialogue cues.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical suspenseful structure with quick pacing and escalating tension.

71 INT. CAR (MOVING)
. As light colors the eastern horizon, Book is crossina
into Lancaster County.
Book &lances at Rachel; she's asleep. He couahs wrack•
ingly, hurting ••• cinches the belt of his overcoat
even tighter. And •••

J
,-...
REV. 4/23/84

•

72 . EXT. LAPP l'AJtM 72
aa Eli emerge• from the barn ••• pau•e• to atare o.s.

BIS POV - BOOK'S q.R
cming up the long drive.

BACK TO SCE.~E

a• the car pull• up in the barnyard and Eli croaaea to
it.
Suddenly the car door fliea open and Samuel ,umpa out,
races aero•• the barnyard to hurl himaelf into tbe old
man'• arms.

ANGLE AT CAR
As Rachel ateps out of the passenger'• aide, Book
remain• aeated. Be lets bl• eyes travel around tbe
farm. -
RACHEL
ltay for awhile. a.at. I'll aake
coffee.
BOOK
•
-
I can't.
ltACIIEL
What about la1111el? Will you COIie
-
back to take bi• to trial?
Book starts the engines
(CONTIRUED)
45.
72 CONTINUED: 72

,-...f BOOK
(grimly)
There isn't going to be a trial.
Rachel stares at him, not sure what be means. Then
backs away, closing the door. Book begins to turn the
car around in the barnyard.

ANGLE
as Eli crosses to Rachel, his arm around Samuel.
ELI
Who was that man?
RACHEL
His name is John Book.
Eli is about to inquire further when Samuel cries:
SAMUEL
Momma
They glance in the direction Samuel is looking.
I

,-... THEIR POV - BOOK'S CAR
The car has failed to take a bend in the road and is
now bouncing across an adjoining ploughed field. It's
knocked over. a tall birdhouse by the roadside. The car
finally comes to rest against a bank of earth.

BACK TO RACHEL
She stares •••
CUT TO:

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Grim

Summary Rachel drives Book to Eli's farm at sunrise. Book remains in the car while Rachel greets Eli and Samuel. Book refuses to come inside when Rachel invites him. Book drives away, fails to make a turn, and crashes the car in a field.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Compelling plot progression

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

General Critique

The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It's unclear why Book is suddenly entering Lancaster County and why Rachel is asleep in the car.
The dialogue between Rachel and Book is vague and lacks clarity. Rachel's question about coming back for Samuel to take him to trial is confusing and doesn't provide a clear direction for the scene.
The sudden introduction of Eli and Samuel without proper context or development feels disjointed and rushed.
The car accident at the end of the scene feels forced and lacks a clear purpose or impact on the story.
Overall, the scene lacks depth, character development, and a clear sense of direction, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the story.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict or dramatic question, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the characters or the story.
The dialogue is exposition-heavy and lacks subtext, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters on an emotional level.
The pacing of the scene is uneven, with long stretches of inactivity followed by sudden bursts of action.
The scene lacks visual interest, with most of the action taking place in a single location and with little movement or variety in the camera work.

Chosen for their renowned ability in story structure and character development, which are critical for this scene.

Critique by William Goldman

The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more impactful.
The characters are not well-defined and the audience does not have a clear sense of their motivations or goals.
The dialogue is not natural and does not sound like the way people actually talk.
The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way and could be cut without losing anything important.

Selected for their expertise in screenwriting and dialogue, both of which are crucial elements in this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene lacks a clear beginning, middle, and end, making it difficult for the audience to follow the story.
The scene is too predictable and the audience can guess what is going to happen next.
The scene does not have a strong emotional core and the audience does not feel connected to the characters.
The scene is not visually interesting and the audience is not engaged with the action.

Chosen for their expertise in scene structure and pacing, which are essential for enhancing this scene's effectiveness.

General Suggestions

Provide more context and background information to explain why Book is entering Lancaster County and why Rachel is asleep in the car.
Clarify the dialogue between Rachel and Book to establish a clear purpose and direction for the scene.
Introduce Eli and Samuel in a more organic and gradual manner to avoid a rushed and disjointed feel.
Reconsider the car accident at the end of the scene to ensure it serves a meaningful purpose in the story and adds to the overall narrative.
Focus on developing the characters, their relationships, and the overall plot to create a more engaging and cohesive scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict or dramatic question that the scene is exploring and make it clear to the audience.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and to give the characters more depth and subtext.
Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
Add visual interest to the scene by using different camera angles, lighting, and movement.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action that does not advance the plot or develop the characters.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and to give the characters more personality.
Add more conflict and tension to the scene to make it more engaging for the audience.
Consider changing the setting or adding more visual interest to the scene to make it more memorable.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Add a clear beginning, middle, and end to the scene to make it easier for the audience to follow the story.
Make the scene less predictable by adding unexpected twists and turns.
Add more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the characters' motivations and goals.
Use more visually interesting camera work and editing to make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, crime, and emotional elements to create a compelling narrative with high stakes and emotional impact.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detective protecting a young witness while investigating a crime is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of key characters, the revelation of crucial information, and the escalation of tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fish-out-of-water trope, blending elements of thriller and drama with the Amish community setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the specific cultural context.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Rachel and Book, undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships during the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and the people he cares about. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security, as well as his fear of being exposed and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade capture and navigate the unfamiliar Amish community. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in escaping the authorities and adapting to a new environment.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the detective's pursuit of justice and the need to protect the witness creates intense drama and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and conflicting motivations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters navigate a dangerous situation involving murder, witness protection, and a corrupt police officer.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, escalating tension, and deepening character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, as well as the unexpected reactions of the supporting characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's modern, individualistic values and the Amish community's traditional, communal values. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice, morality, and personal freedom.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high due to the characters' vulnerabilities, fears, and the high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to deepen the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the stakes, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise action lines and dialogue cues. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and character dynamics.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear narrative arc, with well-defined character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm build tension effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.

73 EXT. FIELD - DAY 73
as Samuel races for all he's worth across the field,
negotiates the creek via a fallen log -- RacMl, now,
also ruMing toward the car.

73A iXT. STABLES - DAY 73A

Eli works fast harnessing bis mules to an open wagon.
Be hops up to the front seat and urges them to trot.
,-...
46-
73B ANGLE AT BOOK'S CAR 73B
,....I We 1ee that Rachel has made Book as comfortable as
poasible in the front aeat of the car and ia packing
the wound under his trenchcoat with material ripped
from her apron. Momentarily he comea awake:
RACHEL
John, my God, why didn't you go to
a hoapital? ·
Book tries to rise but Rachel restrains him:
BOOK
No, no doctor •••
RACHEL
(bewildered)
But why?
BOOK
Gunshot ••• they'll file reports •••
they'll find me.
RACHEL
But --
Book reaches up to grip her arm fiercely:
BOOK
And when they find me, they'll
find your boy!
He slips.under again. Rachel atarea at him, realizing
the price he's paid in returning them to aafety.
She reaches out, touches him gently.
But the moment is broken by •••

ANOTHER ANGLE
aa Eli reina up in the apringwagon. Be cli■ba down,
cro•••• to glance into the car.
ELI
Is the English dead?
RACHEL
No •••

ELI
Looks dead •••
,....( And together they begin to lift Book from the car and
place him in the back of the apringwagon. And •••
74 INT, LAPP FARMHOUSE
Whefe ~li is looking out a window.

7S BIS POV -- BUGGY 75
An Amish buggy coming up the drive, past Book's car.

ANGLE IN BEDROOM
Where Book lies on a bed. Rachel is bathing his wound
with warm water from a pan,
Eli appears in the ~oorway.
ELI
Stoltzfus is coming,
Rachel looks at him, nods,
Eli frowns at Book's holstered pistol lying atop his
neatly folded clothes on a chair near the bed,
ELI
(continuing)
That has no place in this house.
I"" RACHEL
I know.
She picks up the pile of clothes and the pistol and
places them ~n a chest.
RACHEL
(continuing)
It will 90 when he goes.

76 INT, LIVING ROOM 76
as Samuel comes in with old Stoltzfus and Stoltzfus'•
teenaged son, LEVI,
RACHEL
Thank you for coming, Stoltzfus.
Stoltzfus'• eyes have gone to the bed:
STOLTZ!'TJS
0
That's the English is it?
48,
77 INT, SICKROOM --TIGHT 77
as Stoltzfus runs his fingers lightly over the vicinity
of Book's wound:
STOLTZFUS (O,S,)
I feel •• , burning,

WIDER
as Stoltzfus, in his shirtsleeves and concentrating
mightily, moistens his fingertips with saliva, contin-
ues the examination. Finally he steps back.
STOLTZFUS
This man •hould be treated in
town •
• ( indicates)
The bullet entered there ••• and
came out there. But there is the
danger of infection, and be has
lost a great deal of blood,
Rachel looks at Stoltzfus, then turns away, torn by her
dilemna. Ber eyes fall on Samuel. Gently she ushers
f him from the room:
RACHEL
Go help Levi with the car, Samuel,
She closes the door after him, then turns to face Eli
and Stoltzfus:
RACHEL
(continuing)
No, he must stay here.
Stoltzfus gives Eli a puzzled look, And:
EI.I
Didn't you hear Stoltzfus? What
if he dies? Then the sheriff will
come, They'll say we broke their
laws -
RACHEL
We'll pray that he doesn't die!
But if he does, then we'll find a
way so no one knows I
ELI
Rachel, this is a man'• life, we
hold it in our hands.
(CON'l'INUEI))
49,

77 CONTINUED: (2) 77
RACHEL
I know! God help me, I know that,
Eli!
( then)
But I tell you t.hat if he'• found
here, the people who did this to
him will come for Samuel,
Rachel beseeches them helpleasly:
RACHEL
(continuing)
What el•• , can. we do?I

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Eli harnesses mules and drives away immediately. Rachel tries to clean Book's wound who recovers briefly and insists that he not be taken to a hospital because he is a fugitive and his presence might implicate Samuel. Rachel and Eli decide to hide him in the Lapp farmhouse instead. They hear Stoltzfus arriving and Eli demands that Book's gun be hidden. Stoltzfus examines Book's wound and recommends that he be taken to town, but Rachel wants to hide him to protect Samuel and Eli tries to reason with her. The scene ends with Rachel asking for help to find a way out of this crisis.

Strengths

Intense emotional impact
Complex character dynamics
High stakes and moral dilemmas

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel racing across a field to Eli harnessing mules to a wagon, which may confuse the audience.
The dialogue between Rachel and Book about his gunshot wound and the decision not to go to a hospital feels rushed and lacks depth.
The interaction between Rachel, Eli, and Stoltzfus about hiding Book in the farmhouse is tense and dramatic, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.
The conflict between Rachel wanting to protect Samuel and Eli's concerns about the consequences of hiding Book is compelling but could be further explored.
The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene starts too late, beginning when Rachel and Eli are already lifting Book from the car, missing the crucial moments of their initial assessment and decision-making.
The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict, making it unclear what the characters are trying to achieve and what obstacles they face.
The dialogue is expository, with characters simply stating facts and information, rather than engaging in active conversation that drives the story forward.
The scene lacks tension and suspense, as the outcome is never in doubt and there are no real threats or obstacles to the characters' goal.
The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, with Rachel simply ushering Samuel out of the room and then staring at Stoltzfus and Eli, leaving the audience with no sense of resolution or closure.

Chosen for his renowned ability in scene construction, character development, and story structure, which are critical for this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident, which is the event that sets the story in motion and creates a sense of urgency.
The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them or care about their plight.
The pacing of the scene is too slow, with long stretches of dialogue that bog down the action and create a sense of monotony.
The scene lacks visual interest and dynamism, with most of the action taking place off-screen or in static shots.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and fails to provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict.

Selected for his expertise in story structure, character development, and scene writing, which are necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a strong emotional core, with the characters' motivations and feelings remaining largely unexplored.
The dialogue is flat and unengaging, failing to create a sense of connection between the characters or draw the audience into the story.
The scene lacks subtext, with the characters' actions and words failing to convey any deeper meaning or significance.
The use of symbolism and metaphor is weak, with the scene failing to create a rich or layered tapestry of meaning.
The ending of the scene is ambiguous and unsatisfying, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of dissatisfaction.

Chosen for her expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more context to the transition between Samuel racing across the field and Eli harnessing mules to improve the flow of the scene.
Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Book to delve deeper into their emotions and motivations, adding layers to their relationship.
Explore the internal struggles of Rachel, Eli, and Stoltzfus in more detail to enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
Provide a clearer resolution or climax to the scene to give the audience a sense of closure and satisfaction.
Consider adding more visual elements or sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Start the scene earlier, when Rachel and Eli first discover Book in the field and decide to help him.
Establish a clear goal for the characters, such as getting Book to safety or hiding him from the authorities.
Create conflict by introducing obstacles or threats to the characters' goal, such as the arrival of Stoltzfus or the search for Book by the police.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more active and engaging, focusing on the characters' emotions and motivations.
End the scene on a more satisfying note, with the characters making a decision or taking action that moves the story forward.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by John Truby

Add a clear inciting incident to the beginning of the scene, such as a phone call from the police or a visit from the authorities.
Develop the characters more fully by giving them clear motivations and backstories, and exploring their relationships with each other.
Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action, and focusing on the most important moments.
Add more visual interest and dynamism to the scene by using more dynamic camera angles and editing techniques.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict in a way that is both logical and emotionally satisfying.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Explore the emotional core of the scene by focusing on the characters' fears, hopes, and motivations.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtextual, with the characters' words and actions conveying deeper meanings.
Use symbolism and metaphor to create a richer and more layered tapestry of meaning.
End the scene on a more ambiguous note, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of anticipation.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and keeps the audience on edge with its high stakes and moral dilemmas.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sacrificing one life to save another, the clash of values between different characters, and the ethical decisions made under pressure are compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the characters' decisions and the escalating tension as they navigate a dangerous situation, making it engaging and suspenseful.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of moral responsibility and community loyalty, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each facing internal conflicts and making difficult choices that reveal their depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in their beliefs, priorities, and actions as they confront the moral dilemmas presented in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her son and keep him safe from harm. This reflects her deep desire to ensure his well-being and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to save the wounded man's life and prevent him from being discovered by authorities. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing compassion with the risk of breaking community rules.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and face life-threatening situations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and high stakes that create tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' lives and moral values hanging in the balance, creating tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by raising the stakes, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' decisions and the uncertain outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's moral duty to help a stranger in need and the community's strict adherence to their rules and traditions. This challenges the protagonist's values of compassion and loyalty to her community.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and empathy for the characters' predicament.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and the ethical dilemmas they face effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed reveals and character interactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.

78 EXT. LAPP DRIVE 78

Levi has hitched Eli'• mule• to the rear of Book'• car
and is towing it up the drive toward the barn, with
Samuel catching a ride on the bumper.

Where she's waiting with the. big barn doors thrown
open. As the mules tow the car in, ahe closes the
doors.

.79 INT. LAPP FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM 79
As Stoltzfus· and Levi are about to go: Stoltzfus turns
to Rachel:
STOLTZFUS
Make a poultice,· .. three parts
milk, two part• linaeed oil,,, for
the infection. I'll aend Mary by
with acme teas I will brew ■yaelf,
RACHEL
Thank you.
Stoltzfus turns to Eli:.
STOLTZFUS
Lapp, I'll have to apeak with the
diener on thia aatter,
ELI
(nods)
As you aee fit, Stoltzfus,
CU'r TO:
so.
BO INT. SICltROOM - LAPP FARM - NIGHT BO
a• Rachel enters, turns up a kerosene lamp which is
burning low at bedside. She'• carrying the poultice
Stoltzfus ordered.
Book's b:ow ia beaded with sweat.
Rachel seats herself next to the bed, strips away the
sweat-soaked sheet. Ber eyes take in hi• bare torso,
and we should get the fHling that there'• rather more
male animal on display here just now than she'• quite
comfortable with.
She begins to apply the poultice.

ANGLE
As Book rouses to semi-consciousness, in his delirium
he recoils with alarm.
RACHEL
I'ts all right ••• You've got to
lie still!
Book stares up at her without recognition, but some of
what she says seems to penetrate. Be quiets.
RACHEL
(continuing: soothingly)
Yes, much better •••

ANGLE

as Book lapses back into sleep. Rachel hasn't removed
her hand from his chest. Abruptly she does so.
She finds herself wondering about this un lying before
her, ao suddenly a part of her life. She notices de-
tails: bruises, scars, the knuckles are hard, 9razed, a
tattoo on one shoulder. While lost in this reverie,
the delirious Philadelphia policeman be9ina to ■utter.
Incoherently at firat,then the words take shape - -
swear worda1 curses: fuck this and that: ahit1 etc.
Rachel rises abruptly, her cheeks coloring, aa the bar-
rage of language pours like vomit from his aouth. She
beats a hasty retreat cloain9 the door swiftly behina
ber. ;.

I
Bl C OMITTED Bl

'
,-...
51,
82 INT, SCHAEFFER'S OFFICE - DAY 82
Be'• on the phone:
SCHAEFFER
Looks like we're going to need
1O111e help from you folks down
there,

83 INT, LANCASTER COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY 83
Where an UNDERSHERIFF is on the phone:
ONDERSBDIFF
••• want 'to help any way we can,
Chief, but you got to under1tand
we've got upwards of ■ even
thou1and Allli1h over here, And
that's ju1t Lancaster County,
Over in Kai1er

84 INTERCUT SCHAEFFER 84
who is trying to control his impatience:
I ,,,...
SCHAEFFER
I've got the woman's name, Sheriff,
Lapp. Rachel Lapp. That ■ hould
simplify your work,
The Undersheriff frowns. He doe1n' t like being talked
down to. ·
UNDERSHERIFF
Bow about an address?
SCHAEFFER
Ah ••• no.
ONDERSHERIFF
(frown ■ )
Maybe a road or route number?
SCHAEFFER
Sorry.
The Onder1heriff is not impre11ed,
tnlDERSHERIFF
Problem is, Chief, 'bOut every
third Ami1hman around here is
,,,...
{
named Lapp. That or Yoder. Or
Hochstetler.
(CONTINUED)
52.
84 CONTINUED: 84
SCHAEFFER
(rising frustration)
That's very interesting, Sheriff,
but this matter is very important.
It involves the murder of a police
officer. Now the,e must be a
directory of these people
somewhere.
tJNDERSHERIFF
Sure. Tax rolls. Voter
registration. But I'll tell you
right now I don't have the manpower
to ■end• deputy out to every Lapp
farm in Lancaster County to see if
they've got your Rachel.
SCHAEFFER
(icy)
Maybe, Sheriff, you could do ■ome
telephoning.
tJNDERSHERIFF
(amused)
I could, sure. But since the
,... Amish don't have any telephones, I
wouldn't know who to call.
Stony silence on Schaeffer's end. The Undersheriff is
starting to enjoy himself.
tJNDERSHERIFF
Now I might get ■omething on loca~
radio and tee-vee for you. Like
you know -- alert the public.
( then)
Of course, the Amish don't bave
radios and tee-vees either.
SCHAEFFER
(angrily)
Are you telling ae there's no vat
we can locate this woman? Sherif,
we're talking about Twentieth
Century law enforecmentl
OlmERSHERIFF ..
Now there's vour problem, Chief.
Your Alllishman doesn't live in the
Twentieth Century. Doesn't think
Twentieth Century either.
,.._l (MORE)

(CONTINOElJ)
53.

84 CONTINUED: (2) 84

ONDERSHERIFF (CONT'D)
(and)
Chief, if the Amish have taken
your man in, I wouldn't want to
hang from a rope until you find
him.

ANGI.E

Schaeffer is tight-lipped with contained fury:
SCHAEFFER
Thank you', Sheriff. It's been an
education.
He hangs up. A beati the man is a study in
frustration. Then he glances up.

ANOTHER ANGLE
Standing in his doorway are the two plainclothesmen who
spotted Carter in Book's office in the earlier scene.
And •• _.
CUT TO:

Genres: Crime, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense

Summary Levi and Eli tow Book's car to the barn, with Samuel riding on the bumper, while Rachel waits to close the doors. Stoltzfus gives Rachel instructions on caring for Book. Rachel applies a poultice to Book's bare torso, but he recoils in alarm and begins uttering profanities. Rachel beats a hasty retreat, closing the door swiftly behind her.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Realistic dialogue
Emotional depth
Intricate plot development

Weaknesses

Graphic violence
Lack of resolution for some subplots

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the gravity of the situation with Book being wounded and in hiding.
The dialogue between Rachel and Stoltzfus feels a bit forced and lacks depth, especially considering the emotional weight of the scene.
The visual descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to help the reader visualize the setting and characters more effectively.
The conflict between Rachel and Eli regarding hiding Book could be more pronounced and explored in greater detail to add depth to the scene.
The transition between the different locations and characters could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out the unnecessary dialogue and action.
The scene lacks focus. It is not clear what the main conflict is.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not get to know them well enough to care about them.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'Story' which is considered to be one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene does not follow the three-act structure. It does not have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
The scene does not have a strong inciting incident. The inciting incident is the event that sets the story in motion. In this scene, the inciting incident is not clear.
The scene does not have a clear turning point. The turning point is the event that changes the direction of the story. In this scene, the turning point is not clear.

Syd Field is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'Screenplay' which is considered to be one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written.

Critique by John Truby

The scene does not have a clear theme. The theme is the central message of the story. In this scene, the theme is not clear.
The scene does not have a clear protagonist. The protagonist is the main character of the story. In this scene, the protagonist is not clear.
The scene does not have a clear antagonist. The antagonist is the character who opposes the protagonist. In this scene, the antagonist is not clear.

John Truby is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'The Anatomy of Story' which is considered to be one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more emotional depth to the interactions between the characters, especially Rachel and Stoltzfus, to make the scene more engaging.
Enhance the sense of urgency and tension by focusing on the high stakes of hiding Book and the potential consequences for Samuel and the Lapp family.
Provide more detailed visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
Develop the conflict between Rachel and Eli further to add complexity and emotional depth to the scene.
Work on improving the transitions between different locations and characters to ensure a smoother flow and better continuity.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Cut out the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Focus on the main conflict.
Develop the characters more.
Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Add a strong inciting incident.
Add a clear turning point.
Give the scene a clear theme.
Identify the protagonist and antagonist.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'Story' which is considered to be one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Cut out the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Focus on the main conflict.
Develop the characters more.
Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Add a strong inciting incident.
Add a clear turning point.
Give the scene a clear theme.
Identify the protagonist and antagonist.

Syd Field is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'Screenplay' which is considered to be one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written.

Suggestion by John Truby

Cut out the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Focus on the main conflict.
Develop the characters more.
Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Add a strong inciting incident.
Add a clear turning point.
Give the scene a clear theme.
Identify the protagonist and antagonist.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a strong mix of tension, emotion, and plot development. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up future conflicts and resolutions effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to find a witness in an Amish community is unique and intriguing. It adds layers of complexity to the story and creates suspense and drama.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. It advances the main storyline while introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the clash between modern law enforcement and traditional Amish values, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and show depth in their actions and motivations. Their interactions drive the plot forward and reveal their individual strengths and weaknesses.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their beliefs, actions, and relationships during the scene. These changes contribute to the overall character development and plot progression.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to care for the injured man, Book, and navigate her discomfort with his delirious state and vulgar language. This reflects her deeper desire to help others and maintain her composure in challenging situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide medical care to Book and address the infection on his body. This reflects the immediate challenge of treating his injuries and ensuring his recovery.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the stakes escalating. It creates a sense of urgency and danger that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between the characters that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and legal consequences. The outcome of their actions could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new revelations, conflicts, and resolutions. It sets up future events and paves the way for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of the characters and the evolving dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between modern law enforcement methods and the traditional values of the Amish community. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and the clash between different worldviews.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and determination. It creates a sense of empathy and connection with the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, realistic, and impactful. It conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, conflict between characters, and the unfolding mystery of the protagonist's actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, with a balance of action and introspection that keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for its genre.

85 EXT. LAPP FARM - DA? 85
A bright, sunny afternoon.

SAMUEL

Where he's leading a team of horaes to the barn. In
the b.g. three buggies are parked in the barnyard,
traces empty. Vi1itor1.

86 ANGLE IN SICK:ROOM 86
Where Book lie• in the bed. Bia fever seems to have
subsided. Be'• coming awake, triea to focua on the
room.

BOOK'S POV - CLEl\GY
0
PANNING the four men in Amiah black who are standing
around the bed looking down at look, ■uttering among
- themselves in German.
(CONTINUED)
54.
86 CONTINUED: 86
These include TSCRANTZ, the district bishop, a hawk-
nosed, stern-eyed old fellow: Stoltzfus, a deacon as
well as a healer: and two·preachers, ERB and
HERSHBERGER. Eli stands somewhat apart.

ANGLE
Another moment of silence, then Book opens his eyes.
Tschantz rumbles in German. (SUBTITLES OVER)
TSCBANTZ
Well, Stoltzfus, another Lazarus
to your credit.
STOLTZFUS
Be was touched by God's hand.
Tschantz grunts, motions, for the other clergy aside
with him.
Rachel enters briskly wit~ a steaming pot of tea and a
cup, smiles.
,... I

Hello.
RACHEL

Book stares at he:, then at the old bearded gentlemen.
BOOK
(closing his eyes)
Who are they?
RACHEL
The leadership of our district •••
the diener. Bishop Tschantz is
the one with no hair on top. They
decided to come and see you for
themselves, Except Stoltzfus, of
course. Be caae the first day. I
think he saved your life.
BOOK
Can I have something to drink?
Rachel brings him tea.
BOOK
(continuing)
,... Does anybody know I'm here?
(CONTINUED)
55.
86 CONTINUED: (2) 86
RACHEL
Only the elders.
BOOK
Bow long?
RACHEL
What?
BOOK
Bow long have I been here?
RACHEL
Two days •.
BOOK
(a beat)
Listen, thank you. Thanks for
everything. But I've got to 90.
RACHEL
(frowns)
But you can't.
He tries to rise, falls back faint. Rachel rearranges
,,...
I the sheet.
RACHE:.
(continuing)
See, Anyway, you don't have any
clothes on. And besides that,
Bishop Tschantz wants to talk to
you when you feel better.
The elders appear to have concluded their confere~ce,
and are filing out. Stoltzfus pauses at bedside.
STOLTZFUS
Rest, Mr. Book. That'• the
ticket. And drink my tea, Lots
of my tea.
Be goes. Book is still fending off the dizziness.
Rachel puts the teacup to his lips.
BOOK
Tell him his tea stinks.
RACHEL
(smiles)
You tell him. When you're able.
,-.., ..,, Be looks like he's about to drop off again, Rachel
rises.
(CONTINUED)
56,
86 CONTINUED: (2) 86

RACHEL
(from the door)
We're all very happy that you're
going to live, John Book, We
didn't quite know what we were
going to do with you if you died,
That penetrates for a moment just before Book slips
into sleep again.

87 INT, LAPP LIVING ROOM 87

as the rather worri,some Hershberger frowns:
HERSHBERGER
••• But a gunshot wound, Very
serious.
TSCIIANTZ
It is not our place to ask how he
came to us. He is afflicted,
That is enough,
. EU
, Stil!, he should be among his own
,-.. people.
Rachel enters on this last.
RACHEL
He 4 ll leave as soon as be'• able,
He already wants to go.
Hershberger gives her a gloomy look, turns to
Stoltzfus:
BERSBBERGER
Bow long will tbat be, Stoltzfus?
STOLTZFUS
(shrugs)
A month, Maybe less, with God's
healing love,
CUT TO:

88 EXT, BOOK'S SISTER'S BOOSE - PBILADELPBIA - DAY 88
: Schaeffer is knocking at the front door,
,-..
S7.
88 CONTINUED: 88
A beat, then Elaine opens it cautiou~ly, peers out,
recognizing her caller:
ELAINE
(half fearfully)
Old you find him?
SCHAEFFER
Not yet.
Suddenly her eyes blaze, ■ he ■ tarts to close the door:
ELAINE
Then go a~ay, you bastard.
Schaeffer quickly but gently - prevents her from
■ hutting it.

SCHAEFFER
Elaine, I've come to apologize for
Lt. McElror• Be overstated the
departments position.
ELAINE
(bitterly)
! Be accused John of taking
I ,,...
kickbacks! And you know --
anybody who knows John -- knows
that's a goddamn lie!
SCHAEFFER
(smoothly)
Of course, Elaine. But as long as
there's any question, better
JohMy ■ hould c0111e back and clear
his name.
ELAINE
(cuts in)
Better you should get off my front
porch before I get my mace-~ I
SCBAEPPD
Elaine, I don't want to have to
take you in for questioning.
You've got his car, you were the
last to ■ae him -
BLAINE
(clipped)
I don't know where be is.
,,...
{
SCHAEFFER
But ••• if you bad to gues■ ?
RE\'. 4 / 23/ 8 4 56.
89 ANOTHER ANGLE - SCHAEFFER'S CAR 89
McElroy watching.

THEIR POV - FRONT OCOR
We see a final exchange between Elaine and Schaeffer.
Elaine fc:ces the door shut. Schaeffer turns, walks
slowly to his car.

Genres: Crime, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Dramatic, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary John Book awakens in an Amish sickroom, disoriented and weak. Visited by the Amish clergy, he inquires about his recovery. Despite his desire to leave, he's informed of his prolonged two-day stay due to his gunshot wound. As the clergy departs, Book succumbs to sleep.

Strengths

Tension-building
Emotional depth
Reveals
Cultural clash

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

General Critique

The scene opens with a bright, sunny afternoon setting, which contrasts with the tense and uncertain tone of the scene.
The introduction of the Amish clergy adds depth to the scene, but the dialogue in German with subtitles may be challenging for some readers to follow.
There is a lack of clarity in Book's interactions with the clergy and Rachel, as he seems disoriented and eager to leave without fully understanding his situation.
The transition between Book's interactions with Rachel and the clergy in the sickroom to the living room with Hershberger and Tschantz feels abrupt and disjointed.
The dialogue between Rachel and the clergy members about Book's condition and departure lacks emotional depth and resolution.
The scene ends with a shift to a new location and character, Schaeffer, which disrupts the flow and focus of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear dramatic purpose. It's not clear what the stakes are for the characters or what they're trying to achieve.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real people would.
The pacing is slow and the scene drags. There's not enough action or conflict to keep the audience engaged.
The scene is full of clichés and stereotypes. The characters are one-dimensional and the plot is predictable.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is the author of the book 'Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting', which is considered one of the most influential books on screenwriting ever written. McKee is known for his emphasis on story structure and character development.

Critique by John Truby

The scene doesn't have a strong central conflict. The characters are just talking about their problems, but there's no real sense of urgency or stakes.
The scene is too long. It could be trimmed down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
The dialogue is too expositional. The characters are just telling each other things that the audience already knows or could figure out for themselves.
The scene doesn't have a clear resolution. It just ends without any sense of closure.

John Truby is a screenwriter and story consultant. He is the author of the book 'The Anatomy of Story', which is a popular guide to screenwriting. Truby is known for his emphasis on story structure and character development.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is too focused on the plot. The characters don't have enough time to develop or interact with each other.
The dialogue is too functional. The characters only say things that are necessary to move the plot forward.
The scene lacks subtext. The characters don't have any unspoken thoughts or feelings.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next.

Linda Seger is a screenwriter, story consultant, and teacher. She is the author of several books on screenwriting, including 'Making a Good Script Great' and 'The Art of Adaptation'. Seger is known for her emphasis on character development and subtext.

General Suggestions

Consider simplifying the dialogue in German or providing more context for non-German speaking readers.
Focus on developing Book's emotional journey and internal conflict more clearly throughout the scene.
Smooth out the transitions between different locations and characters to maintain coherence and engagement.
Enhance the emotional stakes and resolutions in the interactions between Rachel, Book, and the clergy members.
Consider ending the scene on a stronger emotional or narrative beat to create a more impactful conclusion.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Give the scene a clear dramatic purpose. What do the characters want? What are the stakes? What's the conflict?
Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural. The characters should speak in a way that real people would.
Tighten up the pacing. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Add some twists and turns to the plot. Keep the audience guessing what's going to happen next.

Suggestion by John Truby

Create a strong central conflict for the scene. The characters should be trying to achieve something, but there should be something standing in their way.
Trim down the scene by cutting out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it's more active. The characters should be doing things, not just talking about them.
Give the scene a clear resolution. The characters should achieve their goal or come to a realization.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Give the characters more time to develop. Let them interact with each other and share their thoughts and feelings.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it's more subtextual. The characters should say things that have multiple meanings.
Add some surprises to the plot. Keep the audience guessing what's going to happen next.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending. The audience should feel like they've been on a journey with the characters.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets up future conflicts, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wounded detective seeking refuge in an Amish community adds depth to the story and introduces interesting dynamics between the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the detective's presence in the community and the brewing conflict between law enforcement and the Amish.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on traditional themes of faith, community, and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially Rachel and Book, as they navigate the complexities of the situation.

Character Changes: 7

Both Rachel and Book undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and actions, setting up potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to recover from his illness and leave the farm. This reflects his desire for independence and freedom.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to clear his name and return to his normal life. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces due to false accusations.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between law enforcement and the Amish community, as well as the internal conflict within the characters, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and beliefs between the protagonist and the community members.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters navigate dangerous situations, personal dilemmas, and conflicting loyalties.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the community's adherence to tradition and authority. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in honesty and integrity.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, especially in the interactions between Rachel and Book, and the dilemma they face.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the protagonist's goals and the community's expectations, as well as the dynamic interactions between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.

INT. SCHAEFFER'S CAR
as Schaeffer opens the door, climbs in, sinks wearily
into the seat, beside MeElroy.
McELROY
She say where he is?
SCHAEFFER
I don't think ahe knows.

Schaeffer is staring grimly ahead. *
SCHAEFFER (CONT'Ol
What about Carter?
MCELROY
Tight. Sut I'm working or. him.
SCHAEFFER
Lea:-i on him.

9C OM.:TTEO * 90

91 EXT. LAPP FARM - LANCASTER COUNTY - NIGHT 91

REESTABLISHING, and TIGHTENING to the upstairs sickrOOIII
window where a lamp dimly burns.
59.
92 IN':'. SICKROOM 92
as Samuel comes in with a fresh bedpan. Book is lying
asleep on the bed.
Samuel puts the bedpan down, checks to make sure Book
is indeed asleep, then quietly crosses to the foot of
the bed and opens the clothes chest.

ANGLE
Book's big .38 revolver lies holstered atop his folded
clothes. Fascinated, Samuel picks it up, admiring the
heavy burled pistol grips. enable to resist, he starts
to remove the weapon from the holster, then pauses to
steal a look. o.s .•.
'
BOOK
Bis eyes are open and watching Samuel icily, which
gives the boy something of a jolt.
BOOK
Give me that.
I ,-...
Mutely, Samuel hands Book the pistol from arm's length.
He looks on as Book takes the pistol out of the hol-
ster, shoots the boy another look, then snaps open the
cylinder and shakes out the heavy, copper-jacketed
bullets into his palm. He snaps the cylinder closed
again, then nods to Samuel.
BOOK
(continuing)
Come here.
The boy edges closer.
BOOK
(continuing)
You ever handle a pistol like
this, Samuel?
SAMUEL
(swallows)
No pistol. Ever.
BOOK
Tell you what - I'm going to let
C
you handle this one. But only if
you promise not to say anything to
,-... your momma. I've got a feeling
she wouldn't understand.
(CONTINUED)
60.
92 CONTINUED: 92
SAMUE:.
(grins)
Okay, Mr. Book.
Book smi!es. Then he gives the boy a playful, John
Wayne-tough guy wink as he cocks and uncc~ks the
pistol, demonstrating the action. He finally bands it
over to Samuel, butt first.
BOOK
Call me John,
The boy tries to imitate Book's one-handed expertise,
but his hands are too small. Book smiles.
Samuel finally manages to get the thing cocked, using
two hands, and Book reaches over to guide the muzzle
away so that it's not pointed at him,
BOOK
(continuing)
You don't want to point that at
people you just started calling by
their first name.
,,,,.. Samuel levels the pistol at the door and, just as he
snaps the trigger, Rachel enters, pulls up short in
some dismay to find her son has a gun pointed at• her.
Samuel blanches and Book winces, knowing there's heavy
weather ahead.
RACHEL
(snaps)
Samuel -- I
Samuel quickly hands the pistol back to Book, who ·
holsters it:
RACHEL
(continuing)
Wait for me downstairs.
Samuel quickly exits, and Rachel angrily advances on
look,
RACHEL
(continuing)
John Book, I would appreciate it
if, during the time you are with
us, you would have as little to do
with Samuel as possible,
,,,,..
j
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 61.
92 CONTINUED 92
BOOK
Nobody meant any harm. The boy was
curious. I unloaded the gun
RACHEL
It's not the gun. Don't you
understand ••• It's you. What you
stand for.
(and)
That is not for Samuel.
Book looks at her thoughtfully.
Rachel softens a bit:
*
. RACHEL
Please, it has nothing to do with
you personally.
He hands her the holstered gun and the loose bullets.
BOOK
Put it up someplace Samuel can't
get it.
A beat, then Rachel, takes the pistol and starts to
I
go. Book stops her:
BOOK
(continuing)
Friends?
Rachel glances back at him, smiles and nods. And •••
CUT TO:

Genres: Crime, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Dramatic, Intense, Emotional

Summary Samuel takes Mr. Book's gun without permission and points it at Rachel. Book teaches Samuel how to use the gun and gives the gun and bullets to Rachel. Book and Rachel have a disagreement over whether or not Samuel should be around Book, but agree to be friends.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Tension building
Character dynamics

Weaknesses

Potential for cliched dialogue
Lack of external action

General Critique

The scene starts with a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, with Samuel sneaking into Book's room and handling his gun without permission.
There is a moment of potential danger when Book catches Samuel with the gun, creating a sense of unease and uncertainty.
The interaction between Book and Samuel with the gun is portrayed realistically, but the transition to Rachel entering and finding Samuel pointing the gun at her feels abrupt.
Rachel's reaction to finding Samuel with the gun is understandable, but the dialogue exchange between her and Book could be more nuanced and emotionally charged.
The scene ends with a moment of reconciliation between Rachel and Book, hinting at a potential friendship or understanding between them.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear purpose. What does Book want from Rachel? What does Rachel want from Book?
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people talk.
The scene is too long. It drags on and loses the audience's interest.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. He is known for his work on story structure and character development. His book, 'Story,' is considered a must-read for screenwriters.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is too focused on exposition. It dumps a lot of information on the audience without giving them a chance to process it.
The characters are not developed enough. The audience doesn't have a chance to get to know them or understand their motivations.
The scene doesn't advance the plot. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.

Linda Seger is a screenwriting expert and teacher. She is known for her work on character development and story structure. Her book, 'Creating Unforgettable Characters,' is a valuable resource for screenwriters.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next.
The scene lacks conflict. There's no tension or suspense.
The scene doesn't have a strong ending. It just sort of fizzles out.

John Truby is a screenwriting expert and teacher. He is known for his work on plot structure and genre. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story,' is a comprehensive guide to screenwriting.

General Suggestions

Consider building up the tension and suspense leading to the moment when Rachel finds Samuel with the gun, to create a more impactful and dramatic scene.
Work on the dialogue exchange between Rachel and Book to deepen the emotional conflict and resolution between them, adding layers to their relationship.
Explore the aftermath of this incident further, showing the repercussions on Samuel, Rachel, and Book's dynamic in subsequent scenes.
Consider adding internal monologues or reflections from the characters to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during this intense moment.
Focus on the character development and growth resulting from this incident, showing how it impacts the relationships and dynamics within the group.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Give Book and Rachel a clear goal for the scene.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Cut down the length of the scene and focus on the most important moments.

Robert McKee is a renowned expert in story structure and character development. His suggestions will help you create a more engaging and effective scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Add more details to the characters' backgrounds and motivations.
Give the audience more time to get to know the characters before they start talking.
Cut out any unnecessary exposition and focus on the essential information.

Linda Seger is an expert in character development and story structure. Her suggestions will help you create characters that the audience can relate to and care about.

Suggestion by John Truby

Create a conflict between Book and Rachel.
Add some tension or suspense to the scene.
Give the scene a strong ending that leaves the audience wanting more.

John Truby is an expert in plot structure and genre. His suggestions will help you create a scene that is both exciting and satisfying.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the interaction with the gun, revealing character dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child handling a gun for the first time in a tense situation adds depth to the characters and foreshadows potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters navigate the aftermath of the shooting and the implications of their actions, setting up further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a young boy handling a gun, adding layers of complexity and moral ambiguity to the situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are central to the scene, with Book, Rachel, and Samuel showing vulnerability, tension, and growth.

Character Changes: 8

Samuel's experience with the gun and the characters' emotional responses indicate potential growth and change in the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the delicate balance between trust and suspicion, as well as to maintain control over the situation despite the unexpected events unfolding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the situation with the young boy and the gun carefully, while also managing the tension with the other characters in the room.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between innocence and danger, as well as the tension between characters, creates a compelling dynamic in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives, hidden agendas, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate the situation and what the consequences will be.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of danger, trust, and emotional vulnerability heighten the tension and impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up further developments in the plot and character dynamics, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, as well as the shifting power dynamics and hidden motives. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, responsibility, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power, control, and the impact of his presence on others.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, with tension, vulnerability, and growth evident in the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The dialogue and actions of the characters draw the audience in, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense.

93 INT. KITCHEN - LAPP FARMHOUSE - NIGHT 93
Book's holstered gun and bullets at center table. Eli
sits on one side, a chastened Samuel on the other.
Rachel looks on from the b.g.
Eli knows that this is as important a dialogue as he
will ever have with his grandson: at issue is one of
the central pillars of the Amish way.
(CONTINUED)

,..,'
REV. 4/23/84 62.
93 CONTINUED: 93
ELI
The gun -- that gun of the hand --
is for th~ taking of human life.
Would you kill another man? Eh?
Samuel stares. at it, not meeting his grandfather's
eyes. Eli leans forward, extends his hands
ceremonially.
ELI (CONT'D)
What you take into your hands, you
take into your heart.
A beat, then Samuel musters some defiance.
SAMUEL
I would only kill a bad man.
ELI
Only a bad man. I see. And you
know these bad men on sight? You
are able to look into their hearts
and see this badness?
SAMUEL
I can see what they do.
Now he meets Eli's eyes:
SAMUEL (CONT'D)
I ~ seen it.

Eli expels a deep sigh; then:
ELI
And having seen, you would become
one of them?
(intent ••• gesturing) *
Don't you see ... ? The hand leads ~
the arm leads the shoulder leads ~
the head ••• leads the heart. The -
one goes into the other•into the ►
other into the other ••• And you >
have changed, and gone amongst them •••
He breaks off, bows his head for a moment. Then he
fixes the boy with a stern eye and, driving he heel of
his palm firmly into the tabletop with enormous intensity,
ELI (CONT'D)
"Wherefore come out from among
them and be ye separate, saith
the Lord!"

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 63.
93 CONTINUED (2) 93
,,,..., ELI (CONT'D)
(indicating pistoli
continuing from
Corinthians 6:17)
"And tc,uch not the unclean thing!"
His intensity tinged with righteous anger, he is
hugely impressive.

93A OMITTED 93.!t
*

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Serious, Emotional

Summary **Summary:** Eli and Samuel have a serious conversation about the Amish way of life and the use of guns. Eli believes that guns are for taking human life and that Samuel would become a bad man if he used one. Samuel argues that he would only kill a bad man, but Eli says that it is not up to Samuel to decide who is bad. Eli tells Samuel that he has changed and gone among the English, and that he must now come out from among them and be separate. Eli finishes by quoting from the Bible, saying that Samuel should not touch the unclean thing.

Strengths

Deep exploration of morality
Emotional depth
Intense conflict

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

General Critique

The scene effectively explores the conflict between Eli's Amish beliefs and Samuel's curiosity about guns and violence.
The dialogue between Eli and Samuel is impactful and highlights the core values of the Amish community.
The tension and emotional depth of the scene are well portrayed through the characters' interactions and expressions.
Eli's sternness and intensity add depth to his character and emphasize the importance of the lesson he is trying to impart to Samuel.
The scene effectively conveys the internal struggle Samuel faces in reconciling his beliefs with his desire to protect his family.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The dialogue is a bit too on the nose and expository. It would be more effective if it were more subtle and implied.
The scene could be more visually interesting. The camera could move around more and there could be more close-ups of the characters' faces.
The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. It could be sped up by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating compelling and visually engaging scenes.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
The conflict between Eli and Samuel is not very clear. It would be more effective if it were more explicit.
The scene does not have a strong ending. It just sort of trails off.

Selected for their expertise in crafting concise and impactful scenes.

Critique by William Goldman

The dialogue is not very natural. It sounds like the characters are reciting lines from a script.
The scene is not very believable. The characters' motivations are not clear.
The scene is not very entertaining. It is too slow and boring.

Chosen for their expertise in creating believable and entertaining characters.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as close-up shots of the characters' expressions.
Explore the use of lighting and sound to create a more immersive atmosphere that reflects the seriousness of the conversation.
Provide more context or backstory to further develop the relationship between Eli and Samuel, adding layers to their dynamic.
Consider incorporating subtle gestures or actions to convey the characters' emotions and internal conflicts more vividly.
Continue to build on the themes of family, tradition, and morality to deepen the audience's connection to the characters and their journey.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtle and implied.
Use more close-ups of the characters' faces to create a more intimate and engaging scene.
Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue to speed up the pacing of the scene.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue to shorten the scene.
Make the conflict between Eli and Samuel more explicit.
Give the scene a stronger ending.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural.
Make the characters' motivations more clear.
Add some more humor to the scene to make it more entertaining.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a deep exploration of moral values and ethical choices, creating a tense and thought-provoking atmosphere.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of morality and the consequences of violence are central to the scene, providing a profound exploration of conflicting values.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Book's wound complicates the situation, leading to a decision to hide him in the Amish community, adding layers of tension and conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of non-violence and explores the complexities of moral decision-making.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' beliefs and values are tested, especially Samuel's moral compass and Rachel's protective instincts, adding depth to their development.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant internal conflicts and moral dilemmas, leading to personal growth and transformation, especially for Samuel and Rachel.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to impart wisdom and guidance to his grandson, Samuel, about the importance of non-violence and the consequences of taking a life.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure that his grandson understands the Amish way of life and adheres to their principles.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between traditional Amish values and the violent outside world creates a high-stakes situation, intensifying the emotional and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and intense emotions driving the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve moral decisions, life-threatening situations, and the clash of cultures, intensifying the consequences of the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the moral complexities and escalating the tension, setting the stage for further conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting beliefs and intense emotions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and the grandson's perception of good and bad. It challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of morality, sacrifice, and the characters' internal struggles, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the internal struggles and ethical dilemmas faced by the characters, enhancing the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, enhancing the emotional impact of the dialogue.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, enhancing the readability and impact of the dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.

93B EXT. BARN - LAPP FARJII - DAY 93B
Samuel harnesses up the family mare, and backs her
into the traces of the buggy.

93C INT. BOOK'S BEDROOM - DAY 93C
*
Book stands at the window in a worn robe. ~Below,
through the window, we can see Samuel and Eli in
the barnyard.

,... A beat, then Book crosses impatiently back to his bed,
sits down, picks up a dog-earred copy of The American •
Dairyman. There's a stack of well-thumbe'Cr"larm
magazines and copies of The Budget (the Amish newspaper)
on the bedside table.
There's a knock. Rachel enters carrying a pile of
clothing. She smiles. *
RACHEL *
Enjoying your reading?
BOOK
Very interesting. I'm learn- *
ing a lot about manure.
(eyes the clothing)
What's that?
RACHEL
Your shirt and jacket are still
stained with blood. I have
them soaking. You can wear these.
~he passes the clothes to Book.

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/2: /84 64,

93C CONTINUED 93C
BOOK
Your husband's?
RACHEL
Yes. It's good that someone
can have the use of them.
Besides, in your clothes you'd·
stand out to strangers.
She continues, cheerfully.
RACHEL (CON':''D) *
I should tell you these do
not have buttons.
• (shows him)
See? Hooks and eyes.
BOOK *
Something wrong with buttons?
RACHEL *
Buttons are hochmut.
BOOK •
Hochmut?
,..... RACHEL *
Vain . . Proud. Such a per~
son is hochmutsnarr. He is
not plain.
BOOK *
(nodding)
Anything against zippers?
RACHEL *
(almost blushing)
You make fun of me. Like
the tourists. Driving by
all the time. Some even
come into the yard. Very rude.
They seem to think we are
quaint.
BOOK
Quaint? Can't imagine why.
-She smiles.
BOOK (CONT'D)
,.... Where's the nearest telephone?
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 64A.

93C CONTINUED (2) 93C
,-...'
RACHEL
Telephone? The Gunthers across
the valley. They're Mennonite.
They have cars and refrigerators
and telephones in the houses even.
•
BOOK
No. I'd want a public phone.
Rachel's face clouds.
RACHEL
Well ... the store at Saltzburg... *
(then briskly)
But you·won't be going to
Saltzburg for a while.
BOOK
I'm going this morning.
RACHEL
But Stoltzfus said ...
BOOK
(cutting in)
,-... I know what he said.
RACHEL
You can go with Eli. He's
taking Samuel to school. But
you'll have to hurry.
Rachel turns to leave when Book calls her back.
(CONT.INUED)

0

,-...
65.
93C CONTINUED: (2) 93C
BOOK
Rachel.
She turns to look at him. It's the first time he's
used her name.
BOOK
(continuing)
Thanks.
She smiles and leaves.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Serious, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary Samuel prepares the buggy while Book observes. Rachel brings clothes for Book. She explains the community's rules and the location of the nearest phone. Despite Rachel's hesitation, Book insists on going to town to use the phone, resolving the conflict between his desire for communication and community norms.

Strengths

Strong character development
Tension-filled atmosphere
Compelling moral dilemmas

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more impactful
Minor pacing issues in certain moments

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the dialogue feeling somewhat disjointed and lacking in depth.
The interaction between Book and Rachel feels forced and lacks emotional depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The dialogue about buttons and zippers feels out of place and does not add to the overall narrative or character development.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional and psychological impact of Book's situation and his interactions with the Amish community.
The scene could benefit from more nuanced and meaningful dialogue that adds depth to the characters and advances the plot in a more engaging way.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict, meandering in its exploration of Book's recovery and the Amish community's customs.
The dialogue is flat and expository, failing to create a sense of tension or intrigue.
There is little visual interest or dynamic movement within the scene, resulting in a static and unengaging experience for the audience.

Chosen for their renowned expertise in story structure, character development, and scene analysis.

Critique by William Goldman

The scene's pacing is uneven, with slow and repetitive moments that drag down its momentum.
The character of Rachel lacks depth and motivation, making it difficult for the audience to connect with her struggles.
The lack of stakes or urgency within the scene makes it difficult to maintain the audience's interest.

Known for their exceptional storytelling abilities, their insights are invaluable in assessing the scene's narrative effectiveness.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene fails to establish a clear theme or emotional core, leaving the audience unsure of what it is supposed to convey.
The use of symbolism and metaphor is heavy-handed and distracting, detracting from the scene's emotional impact.
The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.

Chosen for their profound understanding of emotional storytelling, character development, and scene construction.

General Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue to focus on more meaningful and emotionally resonant interactions between Book and Rachel.
Explore ways to add depth to the characters and their relationships, allowing the audience to connect with them on a deeper level.
Ensure that each scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters, avoiding unnecessary or distracting dialogue.
Consider incorporating themes or conflicts that add tension and depth to the scene, making it more engaging for the audience.
Work on creating a more cohesive and purposeful scene that contributes to the overall narrative arc and character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify a central conflict that drives the scene forward, creating tension and stakes for the characters.
Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural, engaging, and revealing of the characters' inner motivations.
Incorporate dynamic movement and visual elements to create a more engaging and visually stimulating experience.

Their deep understanding of story structure provides invaluable guidance in crafting a compelling scene.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Tighten the pacing by cutting unnecessary exposition and repetitive moments, creating a more streamlined and engaging experience.
Develop Rachel's character by giving her clear motivations, desires, and fears, making her more relatable and compelling to the audience.
Introduce obstacles and challenges within the scene to create a sense of urgency and stakes, driving the characters' actions.

Their exceptional storytelling skills are crucial for enhancing the scene's narrative flow and emotional impact.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Clarify the scene's theme by weaving it into the dialogue and actions of the characters, creating a deeper emotional resonance.
Use symbolism and metaphor subtly and sparingly to enhance the scene's emotional impact without overwhelming it.
Provide a satisfying resolution or transition to the next scene, leaving the audience with a sense of closure or anticipation.

Their expertise in emotional storytelling and scene construction is essential for enriching the scene's depth and emotional connection.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, introduces complex moral dilemmas, and advances the plot significantly.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural differences, moral choices, and the consequences of violence are explored in depth.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with high stakes, conflict, and a sense of urgency driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural differences and identity struggles, offering a nuanced portrayal of the clash between tradition and modernity.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and internal conflicts that drive their actions.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience subtle changes in their beliefs and actions, particularly regarding violence and cultural identity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the cultural differences and expectations of the Amish community while also asserting his own identity and beliefs.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a public telephone, which reflects his need to connect with the outside world and potentially escape the confines of the Amish community.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and expectations creating obstacles for the protagonist and driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot, revealing new information and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of cultural clashes and character interactions, keeping the audience intrigued by the unfolding dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for modern conveniences and the Amish community's rejection of technology and focus on simplicity.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to empathy and hope.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals character dynamics, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, cultural insights, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations, enhancing the overall impact of the narrative.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively establishes the setting, characters, and conflicts, contributing to the overall narrative flow.

930 EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY 93D
Eli calls impatiently from the buggy. Samuel sits
beside h i.'TI.
ELI
Burry up now, John Book!

93E INT. K:TCHEN - DAY 93E
Rachel washing dishes turns on hearing Book enter. She
laughs out loud at the sight of him in his Amish gear,
and rightly so -- the pants are highwater, the hat low-
rise, the jacket ill-fitting. Book looks self-
conscious, even a little sheepish.
Outside another SHOUT from Eli.
RACHEL
You'd better go.
Book looks embarrassed.
BOOK
My ••• eh ••• gun?
The smile fades from Rachel's face as she reaches up
into a cupboard. She passes the gun in its bolster to
Book. Be fastens it about him. The contradiction of
an •Armed Amishman• inc;eases the awkwardness between
them. Book turns his back to her and checks the
weapon. Be turns back to her smiling in an odd way •
..
BOOK
The.. • bullets?
RACHEL
Oh. Of course.
(CONTINUED)
66.
93E CONTINUED: 93E
She takes them out of a disused coffee jar, passes them
to Book.
BOOK
(attempting a joke)
Not much good without them.

93F INT. BUGGY - COUNTRY ROAD - DAY 93F
Samuel sits between Eli and Book. Both men stare
straight ahead. Eli looks particularly stern. It's
pretti clear he doesn't like this Englishman wearing
the c othes of his .faith.

93G EXT. AMISH ONE-TEACHER-SCHOOL - DAY 93G
With a wave Samuel runs into the schoolyard to join
his friends. A teacher begins ringing a bell.

93:i INT. STORE, GROFFOA!.E - DAY 93B
Book on the telephone waiting for his call to be
answered. He looks about him -- several Amish and
English mingle in the shop. When he's sure no one is
watching, he sneaks a swig on his beer bottle, which is
concealed in a brown paper bag. A voice comes on the
line; it's that of Book's partner.
CARTER
Yeah?
BOOK
lt's me.
A silence.
CARTER
Jesus, where the fuck you been?
BOOK
Never mind. I'm coming in to take
care of business. Bow hot am I?
CARTER
(low, urgent)
Too hot. Don't do it. Don't come
in. They're looking for you.
I BOOK
I'll bet they are.
" (CONTINUED)
67.
,,....( 931! CONTINUED: 931!
CARTER
Listen, Johnny, don't do anything
stupid. You couldn't get within a
mile of Schaeffer right now. So
stay put ••• Stay in touch - I'll
let you know when maybe you can
come in.
A beat as Book considers that.
CARTER
(continuing; edgily)
You hear me?
BOOK
(finally)
I hear you. I'll stay in touch.
Carter expels a sigh of relief.
CAP.TER
That's more like it.
(and)
Where.!!!. you at, anyway?
,,... Book allows himself a small smile, regarding his Amish
imag~ reflected in the window of the store.
BOOK
Where I'm at is maybe 1890.
CARTER
(uncomprehending)
Say again?
BOOK
Make that 1790.
Be bangs up. A beat, then he stares toward the door of
the store.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Serious, Suspenseful, Awkward, Urgent

Summary Rachel hands John his gun and bullets for his journey, but John struggles with fitting in as an Amish person and is awkward wearing their clothing. He gets a beer out of a bag in the grocery store and then receives a call from his partner telling him to stay put as it is too dangerous to return.

Strengths

Tension-filled atmosphere
Engaging dialogue
Complex character dynamics
High stakes and urgency

Weaknesses

Some awkward moments in character interactions
Slight predictability in certain plot elements

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, despite the fact that Book is in a dangerous situation.
The interaction between Book and Rachel feels awkward and forced, especially when Book attempts to make a joke about the bullets.
The transition between the different locations and actions in the scene feels disjointed and abrupt.
There is a missed opportunity to explore the internal conflict Book may be feeling about his situation and the choices he has to make.
The scene could benefit from more depth and emotional resonance to engage the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear conflict or dramatic question. What is at stake for Book and Rachel in this moment?
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people would talk.
The scene is too long and drawn-out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
The ending of the scene is unsatisfying. It doesn't leave the audience with a sense of closure or resolution.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting guru whose book 'Story' is considered a must-read for aspiring screenwriters. His expertise in story structure and character development is crucial for crafting a compelling scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a strong emotional core. It's unclear what Book and Rachel are feeling and why.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience doesn't get a sense of who they are or what they want.
The scene is too focused on exposition. It dumps a lot of information on the audience without giving them a chance to process it.
The pacing of the scene is off. It starts out slow and then rushes to the end.

Linda Seger is an acclaimed author and lecturer on screenwriting. Her book 'Making a Good Script Great' provides invaluable insights into character development, theme, and structure. Her expertise in these areas is essential for creating scenes that resonate with the audience.

Critique by John Truby

The scene doesn't advance the plot. It's a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next.
The scene doesn't have any surprises. It's a by-the-numbers scene that doesn't take any risks.
The scene is too safe. It doesn't push the boundaries or challenge the audience.

John Truby is a highly respected screenwriting coach and author of the book 'The Anatomy of Story.' His focus on plot structure and genre conventions makes him an ideal expert to critique this scene for its effectiveness in advancing the story and engaging the audience.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the interaction between Book and Rachel to make it feel more authentic and meaningful.
Work on creating a more seamless transition between the different locations and actions to improve the flow of the scene.
Explore Book's internal struggle and the stakes of his situation to add depth and tension to the scene.
Focus on building emotional connections between the characters to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Start the scene later, after the conflict has been established.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to tighten the pacing.
End the scene with a stronger sense of closure or resolution.

Robert McKee's expertise in story structure and character development can help to create a more compelling and satisfying scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Identify the emotional core of the scene and make sure it's clear to the audience.
Develop the characters more by giving them clear goals and motivations.
Break up the exposition by weaving it into the dialogue and action.
Adjust the pacing of the scene to create a more natural flow.

Linda Seger's insights into character development, theme, and structure can help to create a scene that resonates with the audience on an emotional level.

Suggestion by John Truby

Find a way to make the scene advance the plot, even if it's in a subtle way.
Add some surprises or unexpected twists to keep the audience engaged.
Push the boundaries of the scene by exploring new territory or challenging the audience's expectations.
Take risks and don't be afraid to experiment.

John Truby's focus on plot structure and genre conventions can help to create a scene that is both engaging and effective in moving the story forward.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces conflict, and advances the plot while maintaining a sense of urgency and emotional depth.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an injured detective seeking refuge in an Amish community adds depth and complexity to the story, highlighting themes of redemption, sacrifice, and cultural clash.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with the introduction of new challenges, conflicts, and character dynamics, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fish-out-of-water trope by placing the protagonist in an unfamiliar Amish setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of emotions, beliefs, and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience subtle changes in their beliefs, attitudes, and relationships, setting the stage for potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkwardness and discomfort of being an 'Armed Amishman' in the presence of Rachel. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging, as well as his fear of being judged or rejected.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive information from his partner and make a decision about his next move. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading capture and staying safe.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, creating tension, suspense, and emotional stakes that drive the story forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing external threats and internal struggles that create uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involved in protecting the witness, hiding the wounded detective, and navigating the cultural clash between the Amish community and the outside world add tension, urgency, and emotional depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot, introduces new challenges and conflicts, and sets the stage for further developments, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the uncertain outcome of the protagonist's decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's identity as an outsider and his desire to fit in with the Amish community. This challenges his beliefs about his own identity and the importance of belonging.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and urgency to empathy and hope, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and humor, as well as the protagonist's internal conflict and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and character development.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.

93-I INT. BARN - DAY 93-I
Book works on his car.· The battery baa gone flat and
be'• trying to charge it up by running wire• to a ..
battery 110unted under tbe front seat of tbe Lapp buggy.
Eli stands at tbe barn door staring at him, again t~e
disapproving look.
ELI
If you are well enough to do that
tbing, you can do work for me.
(CONTINUED)
,a.
93-I CONTINUED: 93-I
Book is genuinely apologetic.
BOOK
Sure, I'm sorry. Hope you don't
mind ••• battery ••• trying to get a
charge. How can I help? What can
I do?
ELI
Maybe milking.
BOOK
C•yes Eli)
Milking?
ELI
Cows. You know, cows?
BOOK
I've seen pictures.
ELI
Good, you start tomorrow.

93.J INT, BOOK'S ROOM - LAPP FARM - NIGHT 93.J
Where Book lies asleep. A beat, then Eli comes in
carrying a lamp. He pauses a moment to peer at the
sleeping figure with undisguised anticipation. Then he
gives him 3 jarring thump:
ELI
(br i1kly)
Veck oufl Time for milking.
Book comes groggily awake as Eli exits. He gropes for
hi1 watch.

INSERT WATCHFACE
It reads 4:30 a.m.

BACK TO BOOK
~she stares at it in disbelief.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense

Summary Book attempts to work on his car when Eli confronts him about not contributing enough to the farm. Eli suggests that Book take over milking the cows, and despite his reluctance, Book eventually agrees. The scene concludes with Eli waking Book at 4:30 AM to begin his new duties.

Strengths

Strong character development
Tension-filled atmosphere
Cultural clash exploration

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more impactful
Certain moments lack clarity

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it seems to meander without a strong narrative focus.
The dialogue between Book and Eli feels forced and lacks depth, making the interaction feel superficial.
The transition between Book working on his car and Eli confronting him about doing more work on the farm is abrupt and could be smoother.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' motivations and emotions, which would add more depth to the scene.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The scene lacks tension and conflict.
The dialogue is flat and uninteresting.
The characters are not well-developed.
The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.

Chosen for their renowned ability in dialogue and character development, which are critical for this scene.

Critique by Quentin Tarantino

The scene is too slow-paced and lacks energy.
The violence is not graphic or impactful enough.
The characters are not memorable or interesting.
The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way.

Selected for their expertise in creating suspenseful and violent scenes, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Wes Anderson

The scene is too whimsical and lacks realism.
The characters are too quirky and unrealistic.
The dialogue is too clever and self-referential.
The scene does not fit with the tone of the rest of the film.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves to advance the plot or develop the characters.
Work on making the dialogue more natural and meaningful, focusing on revealing the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
Smooth out the transition between different beats in the scene to create a more cohesive flow.
Explore the characters' motivations and emotions in more depth to add complexity and richness to the scene.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Add more conflict and tension to the scene.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more interesting and engaging.
Develop the characters more so that the audience can connect with them.
Shorten the scene to make it more concise and impactful.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Quentin Tarantino

Increase the pace of the scene and add more energy.
Make the violence more graphic and impactful.
Create more memorable and interesting characters.
Rewrite the scene so that it advances the plot in a more meaningful way.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Wes Anderson

Tone down the whimsy and make the scene more realistic.
Create more relatable and realistic characters.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it less clever and self-referential.
Revise the scene so that it fits with the tone of the rest of the film.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, character development, and cultural clash to create a compelling and engaging narrative.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an outsider like John Book being integrated into the Amish community while dealing with a dangerous situation is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Book navigates his recovery, interacts with the Amish characters, and faces the challenge of staying hidden while dealing with external threats.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar fish-out-of-water scenario but adds depth through the exploration of cultural differences and the protagonist's internal struggles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially John Book, Rachel, Eli, and Samuel, are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John Book undergoes a subtle change as he adapts to the Amish way of life and forms connections with the community, showing growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

Book's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his new role on the farm and earn Eli's approval. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging in this unfamiliar environment.

External Goal: 7

Book's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete the tasks assigned to him by Eli, such as milking the cows. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to farm life and proving his worth.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Book's need to recover and stay hidden, the cultural clash with the Amish community, and the external threats create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Book is faced with challenging tasks and expectations from Eli that create obstacles for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Book must recover, stay hidden, navigate cultural differences, and deal with external threats, all while trying to protect himself and the Amish community.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, introducing new challenges, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure how Book will navigate the challenges presented to him by Eli and the farm environment.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Book's urban background and Eli's rural lifestyle. This challenges Book's beliefs and values, as he is forced to confront the realities of farm work and the expectations placed upon him.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant as characters navigate difficult decisions, face threats, and form connections amidst a challenging situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the cultural differences, tensions, and emotions of the characters, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a clear conflict and establishes the stakes for the protagonist, keeping the audience invested in his journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, particularly in the moment when Book realizes he has to wake up early for milking, adding urgency to the narrative.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adhere to industry standards.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.

,,,..._ 93K INT. BARN 931!:
as the milk herd of half dozen or 10 cows amble• in
with Samuel prodding them along, beaded for the ■ilking
stalls. Book looks on in the lamplight, nonplu11ed.
(CONTINUED)
69.
93K CONTINUED: 93K
SAMUEL
Where he's pitching hay into the cow's feed-troughs.

BOOK, EL!
Where the old man is showing Book how to milk a cow by
hand.
ELI
Good, firm twist and pull, eh?
See?
(a_nd)
Right. Now you try it.
Book gives him a look, takes over the milking stool.
The cow shoots him a rather skeptical look over her
shoulder. Book bends to bis task.
ELI
(continuing)
Didn't you hear me, Book? ~ !
You never had your hands on a teat
before?
BOOK
(gr iml;_1)
Not one this big.
Eli unexpectedly finds this hilarious, cackles, gives
Book a comradely, man-of-the-world thump on the
shoulder that jars him. Then he moves off. Book bends
to his task, and •••

SAMUEL
as he pours a pailful of milk into a large, stainless
steel milk can.

EXT. BARN

as the milk herd is released back into the pasture.
Book crosses into the f.g., stares o.s.

BOOK'S POV - HORIZON
And dawnfire etching the hilltops.

(CONTINUED)
70.
93K CONTINUED: 93K
BACK TO BOOK
Something in him can't help but respond to the beauty.
A beat, then he blo~s on his hands, rubs them brisk~y
together against the morning chill. Rachel calls them
to breakfast from the house. She smiles and waves to
Book.

93L EXT. FIELD NEAR FMMHOOSE - DAY 93L
Book collects the pieces of the birdhouse which his car
knocked down the day-of his attempted departure. Be
pauses as a figure approaches. We recognize Daniel
Hochstetler, Rachel's would-be suitor. Be heads for
Book with an outgoing smile and outstretched hand.
Here'• a likeable man who likes people.
HOCHSTETLER
Good morning. Book, is it? You
are the Yankee they talk .about?
BOOK
I thought I was the English.
HOCHSTETLER
English, Yankee. It's the same.
My name is Daniel. Daniel
Hochstetler.
(sizes up his clothes)
You look plain, Book.
(grinning)
Very plain.
Book is not particularly amused.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
I came to see Raebel Lapp.
BOOK
Try the house.
Hochstetler gives Book a powerful clap on the shoulder.
HOCHSTETLER
(genially)
You bet. You bke care of
0
yourself.
Hochstetler beads for the house. Book stares after him
with some interest.

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 71.

93L CONTINUED 93L

ANGLE
As Rachel emerges from the house to greet him. She
also catches sight of Book and she pauses, a shadow
of confusion crossing her -expression for an instant.
And Hochstetler doesn't miss it either.
Then she gives her suitor a genuine smile of welcome.

93M HOG PENS 93M

Book, having gathered up the pieces of the bird house,
is headed toward the outbuildings, passing by hogpens.
He glances toward th~ house:

93N HIS POV -- THE BACK PORCH 93N

Where Rachel and Hochstetler are sitting in a porch
swing, sharing a pitcher of lemonade.

930 BACK TO BOOK 930

Thoughtful . . . He glances at the hog pen as a huge sow
,,,,,.., SQUEALS and angrily noses her young ones away from the
trough so she can feed.
BOOK
Pig.
REV. 4/23/84 71A.
94 OMITTED 94
thru thru
98 98

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller
Tone: Serious, Tense, Reflective, Humorous

Summary Book assists Samuel with milking the cows and witnesses Eli's expertise. Despite struggling initially, Book perseveres under Eli's guidance. Samuel pours the milk into a can, and the cows are set free to graze. Book admires the dawnfire's glow on the hilltops as Rachel summons them for breakfast. Daniel Hochstetler, Rachel's suitor, introduces himself to Book, whose response is reserved initially. Hochstetler interacts with Rachel, her attention briefly lingering on Book's presence. Book notes the aggressive behavior of a sow in the hog pen. The scene concludes with Book observing Rachel and Hochstetler sharing a pitcher of lemonade on the porch swing.

Strengths

Effective portrayal of cultural clash
Humorous moments
Character development

Weaknesses

Low external conflict
Limited action

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It seems to focus on Book's awkward attempts at milking a cow, but this doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
The dialogue between Book and Eli about milking the cow feels forced and unnatural. It doesn't add depth to their characters or the overall story.
The interaction between Book and Hochstetler also feels superficial and doesn't contribute much to the scene or the larger narrative.
The visual descriptions are lacking in detail and fail to create a vivid picture of the setting or characters.
Overall, the scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear connection to the larger story arc.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear dramatic question that drives the action and creates tension.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and the characters' motivations are unclear.
The pacing is slow and meandering, and the scene fails to build to a satisfying climax.
The cinematography is uninspired and fails to create a visually engaging experience.
The editing is choppy and disjointed, and the scene lacks a cohesive flow.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting guru and author of the bestselling book 'Story.'

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is too long and could be cut down to make it more concise and impactful.
The exposition is heavy-handed and could be delivered in a more subtle and engaging way.
The characters' relationships are not well-developed, and the audience does not feel invested in their journey.
The conflict is not clear and could be sharpened to create more tension.
The resolution is too easy and does not provide a satisfying payoff for the audience.

Syd Field is a legendary screenwriter and author of the screenwriting guide 'Screenplay.'

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a clear premise that sets up the conflict and drives the action.
The characters' goals are not clear, and the audience does not understand what they are trying to achieve.
The obstacles to the characters' goals are not insurmountable, and the conflict lacks tension.
The climax of the scene is not satisfying, and the resolution does not feel earned.
The scene does not contribute to the overall story and could be cut without losing anything essential.

John Truby is an acclaimed screenwriter and author of the book 'The Anatomy of Story.'

General Suggestions

Consider revising the scene to focus on a more significant interaction or event that moves the plot forward or develops the characters.
Work on making the dialogue more natural and meaningful, with a clear purpose in advancing the story.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the scene.
Ensure that each scene serves a specific purpose in the overall narrative and contributes to the development of the characters or plot.
Consider adding more depth and complexity to the interactions between the characters to make the scene more engaging and impactful.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify a clear dramatic question that will drive the action and create tension.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and clarify the characters' motivations.
Tighten the pacing by cutting unnecessary scenes and dialogue, and building to a satisfying climax.
Use more visually engaging cinematography and editing to create a more immersive experience.
Consider the scene's place in the overall story and make sure it contributes to the narrative arc.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting guru and author of the bestselling book 'Story.'

Suggestion by Syd Field

Cut unnecessary scenes and dialogue to make the scene more concise and impactful.
Use more subtle and engaging ways to deliver exposition, such as through dialogue or subtext.
Develop the characters' relationships by giving them more depth and motivation.
Sharpen the conflict by creating obstacles that are more insurmountable and challenging for the characters.
Rewrite the resolution to make it more satisfying and earned.

Syd Field is a legendary screenwriter and author of the screenwriting guide 'Screenplay.'

Suggestion by John Truby

Identify a clear premise that sets up the conflict and drives the action.
Clarify the characters' goals and make sure they are clear to the audience.
Create obstacles to the characters' goals that are insurmountable and challenging.
Rewrite the climax to create more tension and make the resolution feel earned.
Consider the scene's place in the overall story and make sure it contributes to the narrative arc.

John Truby is an acclaimed screenwriter and author of the book 'The Anatomy of Story.'

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively showcases the cultural differences and conflicts between John Book and the Amish community, while also providing moments of humor and reflection.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a big city detective adapting to life on an Amish farm is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Book tries to adjust to farm life and interacts with the members of the Amish community.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural differences and personal growth, with authentic character interactions and a focus on traditional values. The dialogue feels genuine and the setting is vividly portrayed.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Book struggling to fit in, Rachel dealing with a potential romantic interest, and Eli providing guidance and wisdom.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes a subtle change as he starts to adapt to farm life and learn from the Amish community.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to adapt to the Amish way of life and find a sense of belonging. This reflects his deeper need for connection and acceptance, as well as his fear of being an outsider.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to learn how to milk a cow and interact with the Amish community. This reflects the immediate challenge of adjusting to a new environment and gaining the trust of the locals.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is internal conflict for Book as he tries to adjust to a new way of life, but the external conflict is relatively low in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from cultural differences and personal interactions. The audience is kept engaged by the uncertainty of how Book will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and cultural exploration.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showing Book's progression in his new environment.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and character dynamics, such as Eli's reaction to Book's comment about milking a cow. The interactions between characters keep the audience guessing about their relationships and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between modernity and tradition, as seen in the interactions between Book, an outsider with a different background, and the Amish characters who adhere to their traditional way of life. This challenges Book's beliefs and values, forcing him to confront his own assumptions.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to reflection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and helps to establish the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its rich character interactions, humor, and cultural exploration. The dialogue is lively and the setting is vividly described, drawing the audience into the world of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the story moving forward. It allows for moments of reflection and character development without losing momentum.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for character development and setting establishment. It effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.

99 INT. CARPENTRY SHOP, LAPP FARM - DAY 99

Book works on repairing the broken birdhouse when
Rachel enters.
BOOK
Eli said I could use his tools.
He uses a drawknife on a piece of 2x4, with some obvi-
ous expertise.
RACHEL
Eli is a· !ine carpenter. Best in
the district. He and his father
built the big house themselves
forty years ago.
BOOK
Oh?
(and)
What happened to Hochstetler?
RACHEL
,-...
I
We had some lemonade and he left.
BOOK
A real fireball.
Rachel smiles. Book crosses to a workbench and selects
another tool.
RACHEL
You know carpentry?
BOOK
I did some carpentry summers when
I was going to school.
(CONTINUED)

,,,..../
72,
99 CONTINUED: 99
JIACEEL
(smiles)
I never suspected,
(and)
Can you do anything else?
BOOK
(really annoyed)
Anything else? I can whack
people, I'm hell at whacking.
llCEEL
Whacking_i_, not of ■uch use on a
farm.
BOOK
Now hold on. There's a lot of
people who think being a cop is a
legitimate job,
llCHEL
I'm sorry. I'm sure it is.
She turns, starts to go. Then turns back, eyeing his
makeshift garb:
JIACHEL
(continuing)
And tonight I'll let out those
trousers for you.
Stifling a ·smile, she goes. HOLD on Book a beat,
then •••
COT TO:

100 INT, LAPP FAllMBOUSE - DINING ROOM 100
Eli is seated at the head of the table, Book opposite
Samuel and Rachel, The table ia piled high with an
incredible amount of .food, Eli eyes Book cagily, waves
his fork at him:
BI.I
Eat up, Book, What's the utter
with your appetite?
BOOK
Guess I'm not used to ao much.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73.
100 CONTINUED 100
ELI
(soorts)
Not use, to hard work. That's
what makes an appetite.
Book swallows that one. With difficulty. Rachel
intervenes:
RACHEL
Eli, John is a carpenter.
(conciliatory after-
thought)
As well as being a fine policeman •
. _ ELI
Eh? Well then, maybe he can go to
Zook's barn-raising, eh? See how
~ a carpenter.

Book can't refuse the challenge.
BOOK
Sure.
RACHEL
But . • . You may not be well enough.
BOOK
I'll drink some more of Stoltzfus'
tea.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Confrontational, Inquisitive

Summary Book showcases his carpentry skills at the Lapp farm, setting up a future challenge with Eli. Rachel offers to help with his trousers. Despite Rachel's health concerns, Book accepts Eli's barn-raising challenge.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Character development
Tension and conflict

Weaknesses

Some moments of slow pacing

General Critique

The dialogue between Book and Rachel feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to add more substance to their conversation to develop their relationship further.
The transition from Book working on the birdhouse to the dining room scene feels abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a more seamless transition to connect the two scenes.
The humor in Book's 'whacking people' comment may not resonate well with the tone of the overall script, as it comes off as insensitive given the context of the story.
Eli's caginess towards Book at the dining table could be portrayed with more subtlety to add layers to his character and the dynamics within the family.
The challenge for Book to attend Zook's barn-raising feels a bit contrived and could be integrated more organically into the conversation.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The dialogue between Book and Rachel lacks depth and emotional resonance. It feels superficial and doesn't reveal much about their characters.
The interaction between Book and Rachel in the carpentry shop is too casual and doesn't build any tension or intrigue.
Eli's challenge to Book to attend Zook's barn-raising feels forced and doesn't flow naturally from the previous conversation.

Chosen for their renowned ability in character development and dialogue, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The dialogue between Book and Rachel lacks the rapid-fire wit and sharp exchanges that are characteristic of Sorkin's style.
The scene lacks a clear central conflict or driving tension to keep the audience engaged.
The humor in Book's 'whacking people' line falls flat and feels out of place in the context of the scene.

Selected for their expertise in crafting engaging dialogue and creating compelling conflict in scenes.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling to enhance the emotional impact and depth of the interactions.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' inner conflicts and motivations.
The scene lacks subtext and layers that could add complexity and richness to the characters' dynamics.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Enhance the dialogue between Book and Rachel to delve deeper into their characters and relationship.
Smooth out the transition between scenes to create a more cohesive flow in the narrative.
Consider revising Book's 'whacking people' comment to align better with the tone and themes of the screenplay.
Develop Eli's character with more nuance in his interactions with Book at the dining table.
Integrate the challenge for Book to attend Zook's barn-raising more naturally into the dialogue to make it feel more authentic.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Infuse the dialogue between Book and Rachel with more subtext and emotional depth to reveal their inner thoughts and feelings.
Consider adding a twist or revelation in the conversation to create a more impactful moment between the characters.
Create a clearer objective or goal for Book in this scene to drive the interaction and add more tension.

Known for exceptional skill in character development and dialogue, crucial for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Introduce a high-stakes conflict or dilemma that forces Book and Rachel to confront their differences and motivations.
Inject more rapid-fire banter and clever wordplay into the dialogue to make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
Explore the power dynamics between Book and Rachel to add an extra layer of tension and intrigue to their interaction.

With profound knowledge in crafting engaging dialogue and compelling conflict, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Use visual cues and imagery to convey the characters' emotional states and relationships without relying solely on dialogue.
Dig deeper into the characters' backstories and inner conflicts to add complexity and nuance to their interactions.
Add layers of subtext and unspoken tensions to create a more nuanced and compelling scene.

Expertise in enhancing scene depth makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of dialogue, character development, and conflict. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up future plot points effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Book learning carpentry and interacting with the Amish community adds depth to his character and creates interesting dynamics within the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Book integrates into the Amish community and faces challenges in adapting to their way of life. The introduction of Daniel Hochstetler adds a new layer of conflict.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the protagonist's struggle with identity and societal expectations, blending elements of rural life and law enforcement in a unique way.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Book's frustration and Rachel's attempts at reconciliation adding depth to their relationship. Eli's stern but caring demeanor also stands out.

Character Changes: 7

Book's introduction to carpentry and the Amish way of life marks a significant change in his character, showing his willingness to adapt and learn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his identity as both a carpenter and a policeman, showcasing his skills and expertise in both fields while also dealing with the expectations of others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress Eli and Rachel with his carpentry skills and integrate himself into the community by accepting the challenge to attend Zook's barn-raising.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a palpable tension between Book and Rachel, as well as the introduction of potential romantic conflict with Daniel Hochstetler. The clash of cultures also adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges from both external expectations and internal conflicts, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Book navigates the challenges of integrating into the Amish community while dealing with personal and professional conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between the characters, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the protagonist's shifting identities and the unexpected challenges he faces in integrating into the community.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between traditional craftsmanship and modern law enforcement, as the protagonist grapples with societal expectations and personal identity.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of frustration, curiosity, and tension, especially in the interactions between Book and Rachel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively. The interactions between Book and Rachel are particularly compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its authentic character interactions, rich dialogue, and thematic depth that draws the audience into the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and character dynamics, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character interaction and development, with clear dialogue and action that advances the plot and themes effectively.

lOOA EXT./INT. BARN -- NIGHT * lOOA
As Rachel, lamp in hand, walks up to the barn. She
looks in to find Book tinkering with the battery hookup
to the Lapp buggy.
He glances up as he enters:
BOOK *
Hi • • •
As ahe sets her lamp down near the one he'• using.
RACHEL *
(beat)
When will you be going?
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73A.
lOOA CONTINUED lOOA
BOOK
Not long • • • A few days. *
Another beat as Rachel watches him • . • Book, checking
out the battery'power, hits the radio -- and suddenly
from the Twentieth Century comes the sound of one of
its major inventions -- rock and roll.
It fills the barn, but Book turns up the volume a *
click more even and, eyeing Rachel, starts moving with
the beat. It's his culture, coming through loud and
clear, as incongruous as it all might seem with the
tough Philly cop decked out in Amish.
Rachel can't help but laugh • • • Sensing her response,
Book sweeps her up-and they boogie in the lamplight,
Rachel alternately protesting and laughing.
BOOK (CONT'D) *
You like it • • • Don't you?
Rachel, confused, protests:
RACHEL
No . . . You just stop *
But she doesn't really want to. Book grins:
BOOK *
(mock alarm)
Next thing you know you'll be off
drinking beer and racing motor-
cycles.
And it goes on • . . Rachel alternately protesting and
laughing.
ANGLE -- THE BARN DOOR
*
As Eli suddenly appears. He glowers for an instant,
thunderstruck, then BELLOWS:
ELI
Rachel -- *
THE SCENE
As Book and Rachel's dancing comes to a sudden hal,t •
•
.Both turn, look at Eli. Rachel regards him level-
eyes, without discernible alarm. Book, looking a • ¥
bit sheepish, goes over, turns off the radio, as:

,-...I (CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73B.
100A CONTINUED * 1O0A
ELI (CONT'D)
(in the dialect)
What is this? This Myusick?
Book hesitates, then starts to say something:
BOOK *
It's not her fault, I--
But he gets such a look from Eli that he turns, goes
out.
ELI *
(in the dialect)
How can ~his be? How can you do
such a thing?· Is this plain?
Is this the ordnung?
RACHEL
I have done nothing against *
the ordnung.
ELI
(in the dialect) *
Eh? Nothing? Rachel, you
bring this man to our house.
With his gun of the hand. You
bring fear to this house. Fear
of English with guns coming
after. You bring blood and
whispers of more blood. Now
English music ••• and you are
dancin! to English music! And
you cal this nothing?
RACHEL *
I have cormnitted no sin.
ELI *
(in English)
No sin? Maybe. Not yet.
But, Rachel, it does not look.
(tone softening.:-:-
in the dialect)
Don't you know there has been
talk? Talk about you, not him.
Talk about going to the Bishop.
About having you ••• shunnedl
RACHEL *
That is idle talk.
,... 0

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73C.
100A CONTINUED 100A
ELI •
(in English, pleading)
Do not make light of it, Rachel.
They can do it •.•• quick! Like that I
And then •.• then I can not sit at
table with you. I can not take
a thing fro~ your hand. I •••• I
can not go with you to meeting!
(the old man almost
breaks down as, in
the dialect)
Rachel, good Rachel, you must
not go too far! Dear child!
Rachel is annoyed~~ also touched, no doubt, by the old
man's plea -- but irked by his condescending tone •
RACHEL •
I am not a child.
ELI •
(suddenly stern again)
You are acting like one!
RACHEL •
,... I will be the judge of that.
ELI •
(fierce as a prophet)
No! They will be the judge of
that! And so will 1 ... if you
shame me!
RACHEL •
(blinking a tear now,
but meeting his gaze)
You shame yourself.
And shaken but proud and erect -- she turns and
walks out.

,...
I
74.
101 OMITTED 101
thru thru
104 104

Genres: Drama, Romance
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Serious, Confrontational, Reflective

Summary In a dark barn, Rachel and Book dance to English rock and roll music. Eli, furious, appears and condemns them for breaking Amish customs. Rachel defies him and leaves the barn proudly.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Cultural clash exploration

Weaknesses

Potential pacing issues due to the emotional intensity

General Critique

The scene starts off with a light-hearted and comical tone as Book and Rachel dance to rock and roll music in the barn, showcasing the contrast between Book's tough cop persona and the Amish setting.
The interaction between Book, Rachel, and Eli introduces a conflict between Rachel's actions and the Amish way of life, leading to tension and disapproval from Eli.
Eli's stern and disapproving attitude towards Book's behavior adds depth to the scene and highlights the cultural clash between Book and the Amish community.
The dialogue between Eli and Rachel reveals the internal conflict within Rachel as she defends her actions while also feeling the weight of potential consequences within the community.
The scene effectively conveys the themes of cultural differences, societal expectations, and personal choices through the interactions and reactions of the characters.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear dramatic question. What is at stake for the characters? What do they want and what is preventing them from getting it?
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters sound like they are reading from a script.
The pacing is too slow. The scene needs to be more dynamic and engaging.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. There is no sense of resolution or closure.

Robert McKee is one of the most renowned screenwriting experts in the world. His book, 'Story', is considered a classic in the field.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is not properly structured. It lacks a clear beginning, middle, and end.
The characters are not well-developed. We do not know their motivations or goals.
The conflict is not clear. What is the source of the tension between the characters?
The resolution is not satisfying. The conflict is not resolved in a way that is believable or emotionally satisfying.

John Truby is another highly respected screenwriting expert. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story', is a valuable resource for screenwriters.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is too long. It needs to be trimmed down to be more effective.
The use of music is distracting. It takes away from the dialogue and the action.
The lighting is too dark. It makes it difficult to see the characters and their expressions.
The overall tone of the scene is too negative. It needs to be more upbeat and positive.

Linda Seger is a screenwriting expert who is known for her work on character development and story structure.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal conflict and emotional depth to Book's character as he navigates the cultural differences and expectations within the Amish community.
Explore the repercussions of Rachel's actions further by delving into the consequences she may face within the community, adding layers to her character development.
Enhance the visual elements of the scene to emphasize the contrast between Book's modern world and the traditional Amish setting, creating a visually compelling and immersive experience for the audience.
Develop the relationship dynamics between Book, Rachel, and Eli to create a more nuanced and engaging portrayal of the cultural clash and personal struggles each character faces.
Consider incorporating subtle foreshadowing or hints of future conflicts to build suspense and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the dramatic question and make it clear to the audience.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Add more conflict to the scene to make it more engaging.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending.

Robert McKee is one of the most renowned screenwriting experts in the world. His book, 'Story', is considered a classic in the field.

Suggestion by John Truby

Structure the scene properly with a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Develop the characters more fully by giving them clear motivations and goals.
Clarify the conflict between the characters.
Resolve the conflict in a way that is believable and emotionally satisfying.

John Truby is another highly respected screenwriting expert. His book, 'The Anatomy of Story', is a valuable resource for screenwriters.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Trim the scene down to make it more effective.
Use music sparingly and only when it is necessary to enhance the scene.
Light the scene more evenly so that the characters and their expressions are visible.
Change the overall tone of the scene to be more upbeat and positive.

Linda Seger is a screenwriting expert who is known for her work on character development and story structure.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of tension, confrontation, and reflection. It delves into the clash of cultures and values, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural clash and personal values is well explored through the interaction between Book, Rachel, and Eli. It adds layers to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the tension between characters increases, especially with Eli's warning to Rachel about potential consequences of her actions. It sets up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the clash between tradition and modernity, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting values. Their interactions reveal deeper layers of their motivations and beliefs.

Character Changes: 7

Rachel experiences a shift in her perspective due to Eli's warning, showing potential growth in her character. The scene sets up further development for her.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to assert her independence and challenge the restrictive rules of the Amish community.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to maintain her relationship with Book while navigating the expectations of her community.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, primarily between Eli and Rachel regarding breaking Amish traditions and values. The clash of cultures and personal beliefs creates tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of potential consequences for Rachel's actions and the impact on her relationship with Eli. The scene sets up significant challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and relationships between the characters. It sets up future conflicts and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of characters and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between tradition and modernity, obedience and rebellion, as represented by Rachel's actions and Eli's reactions.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the confrontation between Eli and Rachel. The plea from Eli adds a layer of emotional depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the emotional intensity of the scene and the underlying tensions between the characters. It effectively reveals their inner conflicts and values.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, emotional stakes, and cultural clash.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts, fitting the expected format for its genre.

105 INT. SCHAEFFER'S OFFICE - NIGHT 105
Carter sits. Schaeffer prowls. Be's at his most
charming and most sinister as he walks and talks during
this interview.
SCHAEFFER
I just want to talk to him. Talk
some sense into hilll. You know we
go way back. You know the story
- we were a team once, as you two
are now. · l trained him. Be' a a
fine policeman, but ••• I know he's
with the Amish. God, I'd give
anything to see him now •••
(he laughs)
••• can you see John at a prayer
meeting?
Be chuckles at the thought, then he 1110ves close to
Carte!, sits on the edge of the desk. Be alters his
voice to a "sincere" tone.
,,,,....l SCHAEFFER
(continuing)
We're like the Amish, we're a cult
too, a club, with our own rules.
John'• broken those rules, as you
are breaking them now. We have
our own code, Carter.
CARTER
He's going to take you out, Paul.

106 EXT. ZOOK FARM - LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 106
BIG SHOT ••• it's early morning as the Amish buggies are
arriving at the Zook farm for a barn raising.
In the b.g. we can see big stacks of lumber all around
the construction site where a couple of dozen men have
begun raising the main supports on the already laid
foundation.
Elsewhere, long tables have been set up and women are
spreading them with cloths, setting out big tanks of
hot coffee and cold lemonade for the men.
,...I .)
(CONTINUED)
75.
106 CONTINUED: 106
,,,...,i
LAPP BOGGY
As Eli, Book, Rachel and Samuel step down, Book eyes
the construction site.
ELI
Wait here 'til I find a gang you
can work with,
Be goes. Book glances around as even more buggies
arrive and more workmen and their families climb out.
Eli appears with Hochstetler in tow. Hochstetler'•
broad face breaks into a grin:
HOCHSTETLER
Book! Good to see you!
Be pumps Book's hand with his usual vigor, smiling a
greeting and pleasantry to Rachel. She looks on,
amused.
Bochstetle! gives Rachel a look, and we realize that
his showing up just now to appropriate Book was no
happenstance.
,,,..., And Book realizes it as well.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
Eli says you're a carpenter, Book,
BOOK
It's been a while.
HOCHSTETLER
No matter. Come with me. We can
always use a good carpenter.
With that be throws a huge arm around Book's shoulder
and usher ■ him away. Rachel calla after them:
RACBEL
Good luck.

BOOK/HOCHSTETLER
-ea they move off.
HOCHSTETLER
Your bole is healed, then?
,,,...,
(CONTINUED)
76.
106 ·CONTINUED: (2) 106
BOOK
(gives him a look)
Pretty much.
Hochstetler nods with satisfaction:
HOCHSTETLER
Good. Then you can go home.
DISSOLVE TO:

107 CUTS 107
As the morning progresses:
••• Book and Hochstetler sawing and augering out heavy
timbers on big sawhorses. There's an unmistakable
atmo•fhere of competition between the two men, which
doe1n t go entirely unnoticed by tbe half-dozen or so
other young men on the gang •
••• Or, indeed, by Rachel; in fact, she seems -- with-
out leaning on it too heavily - to be measuring the
two men as the morning progresses, and she occasionally
,,,,..._ passes within proximity of them.
••• Eli and a couple of other elders prowling the Job
with sheafs of hand-drawn sketches under their arms,
supervising the construction. All around them the
st:ucture is rising with rem.arkable rapidity •
••• Rachel, where ahe's helping the women set out the
huge noon meal. Other women are sitting on benches in
the b.g., knitting or doing quiltwork,
••• Samuel, where he's banging away with a hammer, with
a group of boya hia own age. Elsewhere - see little
girls •botching• (a hand-clapping game played to German
rhymes) •
••• The very elderly; sitting on the graas or in
wheelchairs in the sunlight, looking on -- the old men
kibitzing in German,. the vomen gossiping.
Until •••

BIG SHOT
of the barn-raising with the noon sun high overhead •••
.,.....' -· at least a hundred and fifty men are swarming over and
about the barn framework.,.
(CONTIIIOED)
77.

,.._ CONTINUED: 107
' 107
••• some aid the rafters, some hauling lUlllber to the
job, others sawing, hammering, drilling, joining,
planing and what-all ••• so many that the barn •••ma
alJloat to be rearing up before our very eyes. And
there isn't a power tool in sight.

WOMENS' AREA

As Rachel crosses near the benches ••• we can see other
women eyeing her, whispering among themselves, some
tittering. Rachel ignores them.
She joins the stoutly amiable Mrs. Yoder fr0111 the
funeral sequence earlier. The older woman is emptying
a big pan of fried chicken into serving platters.
She smiles, obviously liking Rachel.
MRS. YODER
Everyone has an idea about you and
the English.
RACHEL
A!l of them charitable, I'm sure.
MRS. YODER
Hardly any of them.

ANGLE - TBE ROOFBEAM
Book and Hochstetler astride the roofbeam studs, hold-
ing them together prior to nailing them to the roof-
beam. They are, therefore, crotch to the mast and,
facing one another, way out at the far end of the roof.
Suddenly, as Hochstetler raises hi• hammer, the studs
start to part, threatening to de-ball the both of them.
Hochstetler drops his hammer, 9rab• both aides of the
rocf with incredible brute strength, and, literally,
pulls it back together.
Bock stare• at Hochstetler with nothing short of awe.
Hochstetler, straining and gr inning, looks to Book:··
HOCHSTETLER
Nail it - I
{ BOOK
,-.. Yes, air.
(CONTINUED)
.• #. \ ·.
Revised: 6/12/84
( 10·7 CONTINUE::> · 107
,-...
And he does nail it while Hochstetler, grinning L.,d
holding, looks on.
CISSOLVE TO:

108 :SIG SHOT 108
The barn is done, the worklllen climbing down from the
rafters. !t's late afternoon.
ANGU: ON :SOCK
He hesitates. His tgce is pale and covered with sweat.
The exertion of the day has taken its toll. He's in
dange= of fainting and is some forty feet a!>ove the
ground. But he's determined it won't happen, deter-
mined that he won't fall, nor will he humiliate him-
self by calling for help. Hochstetler guesses the
situation. He moves beside Book, claps an arm around
him·, says nothing, "doesn"' t even look at Book; · Prom·
below, so~eone TELLS the~ to hurry up. Hochstatle=
replies that they're jus~ finishing a tie:
The mcwent passes fo= :Sook, and he's okay. Hochstetler
,-... =em~ves his supporting a=. Book looks him in the eye,
nods his appreciation almost imperceptibly. Hoch-
stet!e= wants no thanks, and Book knows it. Hoch-
stetle= gives him a resounding SLAP on the back, and
starts climbing down. Book follows.

Genres: Drama, Action, Romance
Tone: Tense, Intense, Emotional, Serious

Summary Detective Carter warns Detective Schaeffer that the Amish man, John Book, plans to attack him. Meanwhile, at the Zook farm, Hochstetler tries to intimidate Book but is impressed by his strength and helps him finish the barn raising.

Strengths

Tension-filled interactions
Cultural clash dynamics
Engaging plot progression

Weaknesses

Some predictable character interactions
Slightly slow pacing in some parts

General Critique

The transition from Schaeffer's office to the Zook farm is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
The dialogue between Schaeffer and Carter is intriguing but could be more impactful with deeper emotional exploration.
The introduction of Hochstetler and his interaction with Book feels forced and lacks depth, making it seem contrived.
The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, resulting in a lack of tension and engagement for the audience.
The visual descriptions are detailed but could be more vivid to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear conflict. While there is tension between Book and Hochstetler, it is not the driving force of the scene. As a result, the scene feels unfocused and meandering.
The pacing of the scene is too slow. The first half of the scene is spent on exposition and character development, which is necessary but could be streamlined. The second half of the scene is more action-packed, but it feels rushed and underdeveloped.
The dialogue is often stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable, which makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them.

Chosen for their renowned ability in understanding story structure, conflict, and pacing, essential elements for this scene's success.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident. What event sets the conflict in motion and drives the characters to action? Without a clear inciting incident, the scene feels like it is just spinning its wheels.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not get a clear sense of who they are, what they want, or why they are in conflict. As a result, it is difficult to care about them or their journey.
The scene does not have a clear resolution. The conflict between Book and Hochstetler is not resolved, and the scene ends with a sense of inconclusiveness.

Selected for their expertise in scene structure and character development, which are crucial for crafting a compelling and engaging scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks emotional depth. The conflict between Book and Hochstetler is purely physical, and there is no emotional connection between the two characters. As a result, the scene feels superficial and unsatisfying.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen from the very beginning, which makes it difficult to stay engaged.
The scene does not contribute to the overall story. It is a standalone episode that does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.

Chosen for their expertise in emotional depth, subtext, and theme, which are significant for infusing the scene with resonance and significance.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue between Schaeffer and Carter to enhance the impact of the scene.
Develop the interaction between Book and Hochstetler to make it more organic and meaningful within the context of the story.
Introduce a central conflict or tension to drive the scene forward and keep the audience engaged.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
Work on the transition between different locations to ensure a smooth flow and continuity in the storytelling.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict of the scene and make it the driving force of the action.
Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting unnecessary exposition and streamlining the dialogue.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.

Known for exceptional skill in understanding story structure, conflict, and pacing, crucial areas for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Add a clear inciting incident to the scene that sets the conflict in motion.
Develop the characters by giving them clear goals, motivations, and flaws.
Provide a clear resolution to the conflict that leaves the audience satisfied.

With profound knowledge in scene structure and character development, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Explore the emotional subtext of the conflict between Book and Hochstetler.
Add unexpected twists and turns to the plot to keep the audience engaged.
Connect the scene to the overall story by showing how it advances the plot or develops the characters.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and progresses the plot effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the barn raising showcases the Amish community's values, work ethic, and sense of community.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Book integrates into the Amish community, faces challenges, and builds relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on loyalty, morality, and justice through the interactions between characters, offering a nuanced portrayal of conflicting values.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes changes as he integrates into the Amish community and faces new challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Carter's internal goal is to confront Schaeffer about his past and present actions, reflecting his need for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

Carter's external goal is to gather information about John and the Amish community, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in solving a case.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is internal conflict for Book, external conflict with Hochstetler, and cultural conflict with the Amish.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Book's recovery, integration into the community, and potential exposure are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing Book's adaptation to Amish life and the challenges he faces.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of character motivations and outcomes, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Schaeffer's justification of his actions based on their shared history and loyalty to their 'club,' challenging Carter's beliefs in justice and morality.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions through character interactions and challenges.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals character dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic dialogue, contrasting settings, and moral conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a steady rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of the character interactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.

109 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - ?HILADELPHIA -DAY * 109
A damf evil place, fu!l of shadows. A hand places
a cheap transistor radio on an old table, turns
the volume up loud, the music filling the air.
A bag is opened--inside a number of police night-
sticks. Hands reach in and take them out one by one.
Carter is surrounded by four men, each holding a stick.
We recognize McFee, Fergie, and the plainclothes-men
that spotted Carter In Book's office. Carter wheels
and feints as one or other of his assailants move on him.
The attackers are tense, warily looking for their ■not.
Suddenly McFee lunges for Carter and whacks him on the ..
shin. A pause, then another strikes, Carter doing his best
to p&rry the blows. The music on the radio rises and
swells as the torture continues.
0

(
<UV. ftl.2/84. .. . .... : .. ·. '•

.•:. ...
110 EX":'. ZOOK FAR}! - LANCASTER .COUNT"'! - EVENING 110
The gatherin; has congregated to hear Bishop Ts~hantz
offer up a blessing on the new barn.
CONGREGATION
PA?..-NINY the faces as they listen to the heavy German
words rolling out over the still evening air.
Book stands a little to one side of the Amish. The
prayers he cannot share with them. Rachel is aware of
this, feels something of his a.otion. She looks toward
him, then she too closes her eyes and drifts away from
him, into the soothing prayer.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Intense, Emotional

Summary In an abandoned warehouse, Carter is brutally tortured by four men led by McFee as loud music blares from a radio, obscuring his cries. The scene portrays the stark contrast between violence and tranquility.

Strengths

Strong character development
Emotional depth
Tension-building

Weaknesses

Some elements may feel slightly cliched or predictable

General Critique

The transition from the intense and suspenseful scene in the abandoned warehouse to the peaceful and serene setting of the Zook farm is quite abrupt and may be disorienting for the audience.
The use of police nightsticks for torture in the abandoned warehouse scene is quite graphic and may not align with the tone of the rest of the screenplay, which focuses on the Amish community and John Book's interactions with them.
The sudden shift from the torture scene to the Amish barn-raising ceremony lacks a smooth transition and could benefit from a more gradual segue to maintain the flow of the story.
The contrast between the dark, evil atmosphere of the warehouse and the wholesome, community-centered event at the Zook farm is stark and could be better balanced to create a more cohesive narrative.
The scene in the abandoned warehouse may be too intense and violent for the overall tone of the screenplay, which primarily focuses on themes of family, community, and redemption.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident to set the conflict in motion.
The characters' motivations are not sufficiently established, making it difficult to understand their actions.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, failing to advance the plot or develop the characters.
The pacing is slow and meandering, with too little happening to sustain interest.
The overall tone of the scene is unclear, making it difficult to determine what the scene is trying to achieve.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert known for his work on story structure and character development, which are crucial elements for an effective scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene violates the principle of the single main goal, as it attempts to introduce too many plot points and character developments.
The conflict between the characters is not properly set up, and the stakes are not high enough to create tension.
The scene lacks a clear turning point that would change the direction of the story.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and does not leave the audience with a sense of resolution.

Syd Field is a highly respected screenwriting expert known for his work on plot structure and scene construction, essential elements for creating a compelling scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to connect with the audience on a personal level.
The characters' relationships are not well-developed, and their interactions lack authenticity.
The dialogue is too focused on exposition and does not reveal enough about the characters' inner lives.
The scene does not provide enough context for the audience to understand the characters' actions and motivations.

Linda Seger is a renowned screenwriting expert known for her work on character development and emotional storytelling, which are vital for creating scenes that resonate with the audience.

General Suggestions

Consider revising the transition between the two scenes to create a smoother flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
Explore alternative ways to convey the conflict and tension without resorting to graphic violence, especially in scenes involving torture.
Introduce elements in the Zook farm scene that help bridge the gap between the two contrasting settings, such as subtle hints of the impending conflict or a gradual buildup of suspense.
Ensure that the tone and themes of the screenplay remain consistent throughout different scenes to provide a cohesive viewing experience for the audience.
Consider revisiting the purpose and impact of the abandoned warehouse scene in relation to the overall story arc to ensure it aligns with the narrative direction and character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Introduce a clear inciting incident at the beginning of the scene that sets the conflict in motion.
Establish the characters' motivations by providing backstory and context for their actions.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and to advance the plot and develop the characters.
Tighten the pacing by removing unnecessary dialogue and action, and focusing on the essential elements of the story.
Establish a clear tone for the scene that aligns with the overall tone of the screenplay.

Robert McKee's expertise in story structure and character development will help to create a scene that is both compelling and effective.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Identify the single main goal of the scene and focus the action on achieving that goal.
Raise the stakes of the conflict by making the consequences of failure more severe.
Create a clear turning point that changes the direction of the story and sets up the next scene.
Provide a satisfying ending to the scene that leaves the audience with a sense of resolution.

Syd Field's expertise in plot structure and scene construction will help to create a scene that is both engaging and satisfying.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Explore the characters' inner lives and emotions to create a deeper connection with the audience.
Develop the characters' relationships by showing how they interact with each other and how they support or conflict with each other's goals.
Rewrite the dialogue to reveal the characters' inner thoughts and feelings, and to create a sense of authenticity.
Provide more context for the scene by establishing the setting, the characters' backgrounds, and the overall tone of the story.

Linda Seger's expertise in character development and emotional storytelling will help to create a scene that is both rich and impactful.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, emotion, and spirituality, creating a compelling narrative.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of contrasting light and dark, tension and peace, adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new conflicts and character dynamics.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a protagonist facing physical danger but adds a unique twist with the setting and the use of music to heighten the tension.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, emotion, and growth, especially in their interactions and decisions.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and change in their beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Carter's internal goal in this scene is likely survival or escape, reflecting his fear and desire to overcome the physical threat he is facing.

External Goal: 7

Carter's external goal is to evade his attackers and potentially turn the tables on them, reflecting the immediate challenge he is facing in the abandoned warehouse.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple layers of conflict, both internal and external, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Carter facing multiple assailants and the uncertainty of his survival adding to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as characters face moral dilemmas, personal risks, and potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the confrontation between Carter and his assailants is uncertain, adding to the tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the struggle between survival and morality, as Carter may be forced to make difficult choices to protect himself.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and action that keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and action lines.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of setting up the conflict, escalating the tension, and leaving the audience on a cliffhanger.

lll. INT. PHILAOE~?HIA WAREHOUSE -- EVENING 111. *
The sound of the Amish prayer drifts through the
dim, dust-filtered light, and drifts over Carter's
broken body lying face down on the warehouse floor.
·oead. . . . . · . · ··•· · ·. " ··' · ... -.. ·' ., ... ··. ..
COT TO:
,.
; 112 EX":'. ~A?? FAR:1 - NIGHT 112
,-... Book sits o~ the porch, looks towar~ the night sky.
There is a SOUND, but it's a moment before he turns
his eyes toward the door.
A.~GU: - THE OOOR
Samuel standing there in his nightshirt.

BACK TO S::E?lE
as Book leans forward in his chair.
BOOK
Bey, Sam •..
SAMu"'EL
••• I want to say a thing.
BOOK
(sitting up)
What's that, SL~?
The boy hesitates, holds for a time, then suddenly
( darts· across to Book, wraps his arms around him,
,,,... hugs him tightly ••• then breaks away, turns and runs
back into the house.
(CONTINtl!!Dl
4/24/84 80.
112 CONTINUED 112
ANGLE - BOOK
,,...._
looking after the boy, genuinely moved. After a
moment, he speaks softly:
BOOK
Same to you, Sam.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tender, Reflective, Emotional

Summary On a peaceful night, Book sits on his porch when Samuel approaches him unexpectedly and offers a tight hug. Book is deeply moved by the boy's gesture and responds with affection, saying, "Same to you, Sam." This tender moment highlights the emotional bond between them, creating a sense of peace and connection.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Authentic dialogue

Weaknesses

Limited plot progression
Low external conflict

General Critique

The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
The description of Carter's broken body and the sound of the Amish prayer creates a dark and somber tone, which contrasts with the peaceful setting of the Amish farm in the next scene.
The emotional moment between Samuel and Book is touching, but could be further developed to deepen the connection between the characters.
There is a sense of vulnerability and tenderness in Book's response to Samuel, which adds depth to his character.
The scene effectively conveys a moment of genuine emotion and connection between Book and Samuel.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene is too long and could be shortened to increase its impact.
The dialogue between Book and Samuel is stilted and unnatural.
The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, which makes it difficult for the audience to engage with.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and does not leave the audience with a sense of closure.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert and teacher. His book, 'Story', is considered one of the most influential works on screenwriting ever written. McKee is known for his emphasis on story structure and character development.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene is too focused on exposition and does not do enough to develop the characters or advance the plot.
The characters' motivations are not clear, which makes it difficult for the audience to understand their actions.
The scene could be more visually interesting by using more camera movement and shot variety.
The sound design could be more effective in creating a sense of atmosphere and tension.

Linda Seger is a screenwriter, script consultant, and author. She is the author of several books on screenwriting, including 'Creating Unforgettable Characters' and 'Making a Good Script Great'. Seger is known for her emphasis on character development, plot structure, and the importance of visual storytelling.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is not grounded in a strong premise.
The characters are not well-developed and their actions are not believable.
The scene lacks a clear theme or message.
The ending of the scene is unsatisfying and does not leave the audience with a sense of closure.

John Truby is a screenwriter, story consultant, and teacher. He is the author of several books on screenwriting, including 'The Anatomy of Story' and 'The 22 Immutable Laws of Storytelling'. Truby is known for his emphasis on story structure, character development, and the importance of theme.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between scenes to maintain the narrative flow.
Explore ways to further develop the emotional moment between Samuel and Book to enhance the impact on the audience.
Continue to build on the vulnerability and tenderness in Book's character to create a more nuanced portrayal.
Ensure that the tone and atmosphere of the scene align with the overall themes and mood of the screenplay.
Consider incorporating subtle visual cues or gestures to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
Rewrite the dialogue between Book and Samuel to make it more natural and engaging.
Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene, such as Book trying to convince Samuel to leave the Amish community.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as Book and Samuel having a heart-to-heart conversation about their beliefs.
Consider using a different setting for the scene, such as a barn or a field, to create a more visually interesting environment.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Add more dialogue between Book and Samuel to develop their characters and motivations.
Use more camera movement and shot variety to create a more visually interesting scene.
Use sound design to create a sense of atmosphere and tension, such as the sound of crickets chirping or the wind blowing.
Consider adding a subplot to the scene, such as Book and Samuel being chased by the police.
Consider adding a twist to the ending of the scene, such as Book and Samuel being arrested or Book having a change of heart about leaving the Amish community.

Suggestion by John Truby

Develop a strong premise for the scene, such as Book being forced to choose between his Amish beliefs and his love for Samuel.
Develop the characters of Book and Samuel more fully, by giving them clear goals, motivations, and flaws.
Add a clear theme or message to the scene, such as the importance of family or the power of love.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as Book and Samuel making a decision about their future.
Consider using a different setting for the scene, such as a church or a hospital, to create a more emotionally resonant environment.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and growth through the interaction between Book and Samuel, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of vulnerability and emotional connection is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the theme of acceptance.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it contributes to the development of the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting emotional vulnerability and connection in the midst of challenging circumstances. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene allows for significant character development, particularly for Book and Samuel, showcasing their emotional growth and bond.

Character Changes: 8

Both Book and Samuel experience emotional growth and connection in the scene, leading to significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect emotionally with Samuel, as seen through his genuine reaction to Samuel's gesture of hugging him tightly.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and comfort in his interactions with Samuel, despite the challenging circumstances.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle tension between Book and Samuel's emotional barriers, the scene primarily focuses on connection and vulnerability.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, adding a layer of complexity to the protagonist's emotional journey.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional growth and connection rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene does not propel the main plot forward significantly, it enriches the character dynamics and emotional depth of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in the sense that the audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond to Samuel's gesture of affection.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to balance his emotions and responsibilities in the face of unexpected gestures of affection.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the tender moment between Book and Samuel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt and authentic, effectively conveying the emotions and vulnerabilities of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and the subtle nuances in character interactions that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a poignant moment of connection between the characters.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional beats and character dynamics.

113 INT. BOOK'S ROOM - NIGHT • 113
He is lying in bed, awake, troubled, the ceiling
pretty well memorized. He gets up and moves to
the window--
,IE
ANGLE - BOOK'S POV
A faint light coming from the kitchen window.

I 113A INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRCASE - NIGHT • 113A
►
Book moves through the gloom down the stairs
I toward the kitchen.
I
' ,... 114 INT. LAPP WASHHOUSE - NIGHT
Where Rachel, dressed only in a plain cotton camiso·1e,
is pouring a pail of steaming water into a tub.
114

She repleces the pail on the stove, turns and slips out
of her camisole. Naked, she folds the garment across
the back of a chair. Then she pauses, containing a
startled intake of breath.
RACHEL'S POV - FRYING PAN
The gleaming bottom of a large copper skillet hanging
over the stove with other cookware, we can see Book'&
image reflected there, framed in the kitchen doorway.
(CONTINUED)

,
•
81,

( 114 CONTINUED: 114
,,,,,...
BACK TO SCENE
Rachel hesitates for a moment - and in that moment ■ he
makes a choice.
Slowly she turns, to face him, withcut shame, meeting
his eyes with pride, She's not offering herself,
He'll have to take her,

BOOK
as he stands in the doorway, willing himself to leave,
unable to make it happen,
'
And suddenly the moment has passed, Rachel lowers her
eyes, picks up the camisole, covers herself with it
without putting it on, looks away.

BOOK
TIGHT~N!NG to hi~, and,,,
CUT TO:
,,,,,...
llS EX":'. LA?? FAR.': - DAWN llS
REESTABLISHING, ••

116 ANGLE - HEN YARD 116
where Rachel is scattering feed to the chickens.
A beat, then Book approaches from behind her, A
moment, as ■ he senses hi ■ presence,
Book watches a• Rachel begin ■ to gather the eggs,
placing them in the fold of her apron.
When he ■ peaks, he ■ peak ■ softly, and she pause ■ in her
work.

Last night.
She goes very still, but keeps her back to him.
BOO!t
(continuing}
If ••• we'd made love, then, I
couldn' t leave.
(CONTINUED}
Rev. 6/i.2/84 · 82; .
. . •... ·~
· .·.83. ··'
I . 11'6 ·

,-... She lowers he= head slightly, but remains turned away
from him. Book continues to stare at her.

OMITTEP * 117

118 EXT, STRASB~RG STORE - DAY _118

It's a Saturdav afternoon in the tourist season, and
they're everywhere -- taking shots of anything Amish.
There's a ROWDY YCUNG ELEMENT amongst them who are
making their presence fast, and generally making a
nuisance of themselves.
Book and Eli get ou. of the buqgy. A huqh tourist
bus billowing smoke pulls ~p nearby.
Eli waits by the buggy but before Book can follow
he's stopped_ by a TOURIST LADY with an instamatic .
. . . camera;;;. She waggles 'the caine:rif at"1iilii';•. •:•· .., · ..... , ..
TOURIST LADY
Cc~lC ~--· at, yo~ know -- ?

(CONTINUED)
,-..

f

,-...
84.
..
· , .· .. . ....... :.. . . .,··: ;"' . .
...
,-.., I 118
BOOK
(smiling)
Lady, if you take my picture, I'll
rip your brassiere off and s~rar.gle
you with it.
The Tourist Lady stares at him in stunned disbelief,
her grin frozen on her face. Then she begins to
scuttle back from whence she came.

Genres: Drama, Romance, Thriller
Tone: Tension, Intimacy, Conflict, Dramatic

Summary Book is troubled and unable to sleep, so he goes downstairs to the kitchen where he finds Rachel undressing. Rachel notices Book's reflection and faces him with pride. The next morning, Book tries to talk to Rachel about their encounter, but she remains silent and distant, leaving their feelings unresolved.

Strengths

Building tension
Emotional depth
Character development
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Lack of external action
Limited external conflict

General Critique

The scene starts with Book being troubled and unable to sleep, which sets a somber tone for the interaction that follows.
The moment where Rachel undresses in front of Book is a pivotal moment of tension and choice, but the resolution feels somewhat anticlimactic.
The dynamic between Book and Rachel is complex, with unspoken emotions and desires at play, but the scene could benefit from more depth and exploration of their relationship.
The dialogue between Book and Rachel is sparse but impactful, conveying a sense of longing and restraint.
The visual imagery of Rachel undressing and Book's reflection in the frying pan adds a layer of symbolism to the scene, highlighting the internal conflict and desire between the characters.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The scene lacks clear character motivations and emotional depth. It is unclear why Rachel chooses to undress in front of Book and then cover herself without putting on the camisole. This lack of clarity in character actions can lead to confusion for the audience.
The dialogue between Book and Rachel is sparse and lacks the depth needed to convey the emotional tension between them. More meaningful dialogue could enhance the scene and provide insight into the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
The visual elements, such as Rachel pouring water into a tub and undressing, are important but need to be complemented by stronger emotional cues from the characters. Without a clear emotional connection, the audience may struggle to understand the significance of the scene.

Chosen for their renowned ability in crafting compelling dialogue and character interactions, which are critical for creating impactful scenes.

Critique by David Mamet

The pacing of the scene is slow and lacks the intense conflict typical of Mamet's style. Introducing more tension and conflict between Book and Rachel could heighten the emotional impact of the scene.
The visual cues, such as the reflection in the frying pan, are powerful but need to be supported by sharper, more impactful dialogue. Mamet's signature sharp and succinct dialogue could elevate the intensity of the scene.
The lack of clear resolution or escalation in the conflict between Book and Rachel leaves the scene feeling unresolved. Adding a clear climax or turning point could strengthen the scene's impact and engagement.

Selected for their expertise in creating high-stakes conflicts and sharp dialogue, necessary for intensifying dramatic scenes.

Critique by Quentin Tarantino

The scene lacks Tarantino's signature flair for unconventional storytelling and unexpected twists. Adding a surprising element or twist could make the scene more engaging and memorable.
The visual elements, such as Rachel undressing and Book's reflection in the frying pan, have potential for Tarantino's stylized treatment. Embracing a more stylized and visually dynamic approach could enhance the scene's impact.
Introducing more subtext and hidden agendas in the character interactions could add layers of depth and intrigue to the scene. Tarantino's skill in weaving complex character dynamics could enrich the emotional complexity of the scene.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth and creating visually impactful moments, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional depth to Book's character to further explore his conflicted feelings.
Enhance the dialogue between Book and Rachel to delve deeper into their unspoken connection and the tension between them.
Explore the aftermath of this intimate moment in the following scenes to show the impact it has on their relationship and the unfolding story.
Consider incorporating more visual cues or symbolism to enhance the emotional depth of the scene and convey the characters' inner turmoil.
Focus on building the emotional tension and stakes in the scene to create a more impactful and memorable moment between Book and Rachel.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Consider delving deeper into the characters' motivations and emotions to add complexity and depth to the scene. Provide clearer insight into why Rachel makes the choices she does.
Enhance the dialogue between Book and Rachel to reveal their inner conflicts and emotional tensions. Use dialogue to drive the scene forward and create a more engaging interaction.
Focus on building a stronger emotional connection between the characters through their actions, reactions, and dialogue. Strengthen the character dynamics to make the scene more impactful.

Known for exceptional skill in crafting compelling dialogue and character interactions, crucial for this scene's success.

Suggestion by David Mamet

Introduce sharper conflict and tension between Book and Rachel to heighten the emotional stakes of the scene. Create a sense of urgency and escalation in their interaction.
Refine the dialogue to be more concise, impactful, and revealing of the characters' true intentions and emotions. Use dialogue to drive the scene's intensity and drama.
Consider adding a clear turning point or climax to the scene to provide resolution and a sense of closure to the conflict between Book and Rachel.

With profound knowledge in creating high-stakes conflicts and sharp dialogue, Mamet's guidance is pivotal for intensifying dramatic scenes.

Suggestion by Quentin Tarantino

Infuse the scene with Tarantino's trademark twists and unconventional storytelling to make it more memorable and engaging. Add unexpected elements to surprise the audience.
Embrace a visually dynamic and stylized approach to enhance the impact of the scene. Explore unique camera angles, editing techniques, and visual cues to make the scene visually captivating.
Introduce subtext and hidden agendas in the character interactions to add layers of depth and intrigue. Develop complex character dynamics to enrich the emotional complexity of the scene.

Expertise in enhancing scene depth and creating visually impactful moments makes Tarantino's guidance indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intimacy between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and emotional stakes. The dialogue and actions are engaging and reveal underlying emotions.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of forbidden attraction and cultural clashes is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the characters and setting.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters' relationships evolve, introducing new dynamics and potential conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of forbidden love within a traditional community, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of emotions and motivations. The scene showcases their complexities and inner conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience subtle changes in their dynamics and emotions, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to resist temptation and maintain his moral integrity despite his attraction to Rachel. This reflects his deeper need for self-control and his fear of succumbing to desire.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to resist the temptation of engaging in a romantic relationship with Rachel, as it would conflict with his duty to leave the community.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Book and Eli, as well as internal conflicts within the characters regarding their desires and responsibilities.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and desires.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and relational stakes are significant for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationships between the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's internal struggle is uncertain, keeping the audience engaged and curious.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for love and connection with Rachel and his commitment to his responsibilities and beliefs within the Amish community.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, desire, and vulnerability, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and desires effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates suspense and emotional tension through the characters' interactions and the unfolding of the protagonist's internal conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through slow, deliberate actions and character reactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and conflict.

119 EXT. STORE 119 *
Book is standing at a wall pay phone on the veranda.
We TIGHTEN to him, and~ ..
•
BOOK
Lieutenar.t Elton Carter, ?lease.
A beat, then we hear the FILTER.ED VOICE of t.~e
·Philadelphia· Police· Department switchboard: -
VO!CE
Are you a member o: the family?
BOOK
,-.. Wtat? I'm a f=ienC cf his.
VOICE
I'm sorry but Ser9eant Carter
was killed last night in the
•
line of duty.
Book hangs up. His breathing is thrown out by the
shock o! the news and he takes a couple of deep breaths
to regain control. He hesitates, unsure of his next.
move. He makes to move away, then he turns back, finds
more coins and dials a second number.

119A INT. HALLWAY, SCHAEFFER'S HOME - DAY ll9A
Schaeffer's wife answers the phone: she is momentarily
shocked. She calls for her husband, then makes polite
conversation.
MRS. SCHAEFFER ..
How are you, John?
(CONTINUED)

,-..,'
85,
ll9A CON'TINUED: ll9A
,.._ Paul Schaeffer appears, slightly irritated at being
called away from the Saturday afternoon game,
MRS, SCHAEFFER
(covering mouthpiece)
John Book!
SCHAEFFER
I'll take it in the study.

ll9B INT, STUDY/STORE - DAY ll9B
Schaeffer takes.~he phone.
SCHP.UFER
You can hang up, dear,
We hear the CLICK OF 'l'HE O'l'BER PHONE,
BOOK
Hello, Paul.
SCHAEFFER
(laughing)
I like your style John, you always
,.._ had a lot of style, Boy oh boy,
calling me at home, I can't run a
trace on the call, that's what I
call "style,•
He's talking· fast and laughing a lot but the sound of
John Book's voice is like a voice from the grave, and
it's thrawn him into a panic which he'• only just
managing to control. He's afraid for the first time in
many years.
BOOK
Lost the meaning did you, Paul?
SCHAEFFER
What?
. BOOK
Isn't that what.you used to say
about dirty cops? Somewhere along
the way they lost the meaning.
SCHAEFFER
0
Come in, John, Don't make it
difficult. We're close, We know
( where you are, we're about •••
,,..., (CONTINUED l
.. Rev. o/l.2/84

,,,....i
lllB.
1COX
(c:att!n9 in)
Nol Yci: 9ot it wrong. ?'= c0111in9
after you. I'= 9oir.9 to cut you:
throat like you did to zenO'fitch
and whatever ycu did to Carter.
i•m 9~ir.9 to do t.'lat too, l'm
9oing to fucking •••
The line goes dead. lcok registers this.
·.COllt
(continuing)
l'm 9oin9 to •••
*
BCOk bas 9:ipped t.'le phone so ti9htly it takes a NCOnd
to unclench his fist, then it takes aoaethin9 to resist
bis f~st impluse, which is to --•h aomethin9. 'frain•
in9. Get it under control. Dea1·-ra1:ionally ·with the · - '· ••,;.•. ··' ··
situation. Be st:ai9htens his ,acket, wipes the sweat/
tears f:c: his eyes, turns ar.d walks stiffly away from the
Groffdal1 G•ne:al Store.
,,,,...l · 120
120 CM••• :S:::l
•
1.21 •121
122
Eli vonde-rs at leek'• changed mood hat knows that •
it's not for hi~ to ask ahout it. Be stares st:aight
ahead,•••=- oblivioas to the surroundings of th•
street c:awlin9 with tourist and traffic.

122A EX'l'. IWUlCW l~E l'fUE'l', S'!''RASBORG • DAY 122A
'fbe bu99y turns into the aide atrNt. SOiie hundred
yards ahead another bu99y is stopped ln the lliddl• of
\Ile road - several youths 9athered abOllt it. A pickup
truck is also ■ topped, facin9 the buggy.

12D in. r.An IOGCY • DAY 1221
a■ Eli approach•• the scene, slowi.'\g down u4 tinal• · *
ly ■topping. He is puzzled - then it is suddenly
apparent wbat is 9oin9 on. lt happens from tiae to
,(- tiae to the Amish. 'fbrN ~th• bn• ■ topped th• laUflY
and are bavin9 a bit of •fun• with the oonvioleat Aaish
in the lau9;y, indulging in a little aockecy. Tbe bu99y
is that of Danial Hochleitner.
(COlffl~)
(
. Rev... 6 /l2 /.84
'••· .:.... . ..
:. ..,
·- -·ua
.
'·•

.
l':li puts a :11trainin; ha~ en Bock 1 1 a:=.
E!.::
~o nct:iin;. T~ia happ1n1 f=c:n
ti::11 to ti:a.
Sha aanaaa hi::I abcut to get out, grip1 hia arm tightly •
ELI
.
(ccntinuing)
It'a net cur way, Book. We'll
have ncthir.g to do with violancal
.7cbnl
leek 1hak11 fr••• geu cut and 1lcvly valka toward the

122C EX'!'. HCCELEITNER'SBUGGY - ~A7 • 122c
- llochleitnar Am hia fa:sily ait, _illllla1aiv1, igno;i:lg
va:iou1 jeers and taunt• frc:i the !ngliah lada - · " · · ·· · -
various jck•• a:cut them being dirt7 ate. Ona jab1 an
ice c:aa:1 cone into Zcch1tatl1r•a fo:ahaad, which
leaves a cu:ic-Js white circle en hi.I fc:ahaad. A:2etbe:
feels ccut wit~ t.~• hc:11 causing it to aby. A third
,... notices t~e ale~.•, •u=•• app:cach cf .7Chn leek.
Yetml
Bara===•• ar.otha: Penguinl
Beck stop1, his path blccked by·tba third youth. The
ycut.~ flicks cff Beck's hat.
10011:
(quietly)
You're making a miatake.
Hochleitner calla f:cm bia buggy. *
HOCHLEITNER
Zvaryt.~ing 11 alright, .7obn.
.
100K
(to tba youth)
Piek up the bat.
ft• youth momentarily unau:e - acmathing about look' a
tone of 'ICica. Th• ycuth dcaa pic:k up the hat, cRm-
pla• it, atampa en it, and puta it back at a c:ra1y
angle on Jcok'a head. A pauaa, than 100k asplod•••
( (CON'l'llltm) l

,...
rev. 6/12/84
...

., . ··••·122c .......

The kid never kt;ew what bi::I er where it c:a=e frc:m, ii•
hita tl:le read au:face already unccnacicua. A aeccnd
ycutl:I 9rabs !eek f:c:i behind. A miatake, Beck ia
aaabint into bi::I, · a;iatter• cf bleed f.rcm bi• DCN O.y•
Lag in all directicns, Be's bittin9 to bard, toe •
cften. %t'• Scbaef!er be'a bitting. ~ochleitner is *
pulling bi:1 away, Eli la tl:lere tee. A c::owd ia
9atl:lering, but aa a.uddenly aa it began it'• over. leek
ah&kea Hochleitner of! bim, at:aighten• bi• bat, and in
a kind cf da:e, Eli lea~s him back to the bu~qy. *
Tb• ycutha are picking up tbel: IIOllnded, belpln9 tbea
back to their truck, aided by none other tban Boc:b•
atetler, An 0%.l) LCO\L addr••••• Jlacbel.
L0CAL MA.-;
Never •••n antbi.~9 like it in all
rrJ yearal
···· BOCHLEITNER , * ... .:
(cove:in;l
·ae •s fr::i ••• Chio, •• My cousin.
LOC::.:. MA.-;
We' U, the:11 Ohio Amish aure must·
be di:!1:1nt.
(addresses a gath-
erir-9 crowd)
Arcund ber• t.~e Breth:an don't
have anything like that kind of
fi.;ht in them.
POCHLE:IT1'1ER *
Jchn, lost c:ntrol cf bimelf,
Be ••• will be repentant.
LOCAL MAN
That's Eli La~P, isn't it? *

A second man calls frcm the ,ickup.
ncow MAN
lid'•-·· ia brokenl
1,CC.\%, Do.~
We' U take bill up tbe boapital.
Geed-day to ycu, ,..r. Lapp. *
(MOIZ)
Rev. 6/13/S~ 89.
89A~·
-~: ·.::, .·: ....... _: .•. .89~
.... ,, . ...
·-
·, .. ·12°2C . :
•·· .. · .

,... ' ..
LOCAL MA.~ (CONT'D)
(he shcu~s after her)
This ain't geed fer the tourist
trade, you knew! Ye~ tell that
tc your Ohio cousin!
But Rachel is already stee:ing past the scene and
fellowing the by now distant figure of John Book.

123 123

124 OMITTED 124.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary John Book learns of the death of his friend, Lieutenant Elton Carter, and confronts corrupt police officer Paul Schaeffer, suspecting his involvement. Schaeffer fears for his life as Book threatens him. Amidst the chaos, Book intervenes in an altercation between Amish men, aided by Eli Lapp. The scene climaxes with the arrival of the local police.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Potential for violence

General Critique

The scene opens with Book receiving shocking news of his friend's death, but the emotional impact of this news could be further explored to deepen the audience's connection with Book's character.
The dialogue between Book and Schaeffer is tense and filled with underlying tension, but it could benefit from more subtlety and nuance to convey the complex emotions at play.
The sudden shift to a physical altercation between Book and the Amish men feels abrupt and disconnected from the initial emotional setup of the scene, making the transition feel jarring.
The introduction of Cox as a threatening character adds an element of danger, but the resolution of this threat feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion.
The scene ends with Rachel following Book, but the transition between the different interactions and locations could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict or dramatic question. The characters' motivations and goals are unclear, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
The pacing of the scene is too slow, with too much unnecessary dialogue and action. This drags the scene down and makes it feel tedious.
The dialogue is wooden and unnatural, lacking the authenticity and emotional resonance that is essential for a powerful scene.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert known for his in-depth understanding of story structure and character development, which are crucial elements for an effective scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a strong sense of place and atmosphere. The setting is not described in enough detail, and the characters do not interact with their environment in a meaningful way.
The scene is too focused on exposition and lacks emotional depth. The characters' feelings and motivations are not explored in enough detail, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them.
The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience with a feeling of confusion and uncertainty about what happens next.

Linda Seger is an acclaimed screenwriting instructor and author known for her expertise in creating emotionally resonant and visually compelling scenes.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is too predictable and formulaic. It follows the same beats and patterns as countless other scenes, making it feel unoriginal and uninspired.
The characters are one-dimensional and lack complexity. They are simply archetypes rather than fully realized individuals.
The scene's resolution is too easy and lacks the tension and suspense that is necessary for a compelling scene.

John Truby is a highly respected story consultant and author known for his emphasis on creating original, engaging, and emotionally resonant screenplays.

General Suggestions

Consider delving deeper into Book's emotional response to the news of his friend's death to create a more impactful and resonant moment for the audience.
Refine the dialogue between Book and Schaeffer to add layers of complexity and subtlety to their interaction, enhancing the tension and intrigue of the scene.
Work on creating a more seamless transition between the different elements of the scene, such as the emotional setup, the physical altercation, and the introduction of Cox, to ensure a cohesive narrative flow.
Develop the resolution of the threat posed by Cox to provide a more satisfying conclusion to this subplot and maintain the suspense and stakes of the scene.
Focus on improving the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smooth and engaging progression of events, especially in the transitions between different character interactions and locations.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict or dramatic question of the scene and make it clear to the audience.
Tighten the pacing by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action, and focusing on the most essential moments.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, and to better reflect the characters' motivations and emotions.

Robert McKee is a renowned screenwriting expert known for his in-depth understanding of story structure and character development, which are crucial elements for an effective scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Describe the setting in more detail, and use sensory details to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere.
Explore the characters' feelings and motivations in more depth, and give them clear and specific goals.
Rewrite the ending to provide a stronger sense of closure and to leave the audience with a clear understanding of what happens next.

Linda Seger is an acclaimed screenwriting instructor and author known for her expertise in creating emotionally resonant and visually compelling scenes.

Suggestion by John Truby

Brainstorm different ways to make the scene more original and unpredictable.
Develop the characters' personalities and motivations in more detail, and make them more complex and well-rounded.
Create a more challenging and suspenseful resolution that leaves the audience on the edge of their seats.

John Truby is a highly respected story consultant and author known for his emphasis on creating original, engaging, and emotionally resonant screenplays.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of tension, emotion, and character development.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a clash between modern law enforcement and traditional Amish values is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of conflict and the revelation of John Book's true nature.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of corruption and justice, blending elements of crime drama with a rural setting and Amish characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and their interactions drive the scene forward effectively.

Character Changes: 8

John Book undergoes a significant change in this scene, revealing more about his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront Paul Schaeffer about his involvement in corrupt activities and seek justice for the death of Sergeant Carter. This reflects Book's desire for truth and justice, as well as his fear of the consequences of his actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information and evidence against Paul Schaeffer to bring him to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge Book is facing in uncovering the truth and seeking retribution for the death of Sergeant Carter.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John Book and the Amish community is intense and drives the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions. The obstacles and challenges faced by the protagonist create uncertainty and tension, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with physical violence and emotional confrontations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening character relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The escalating conflict and moral dilemmas keep the audience on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of honesty and corruption. Book represents honesty and justice, while Schaeffer embodies corruption and deceit. This challenges Book's beliefs in the inherent goodness of people and the importance of upholding the law.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, especially with the physical altercation and emotional confrontations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the tensions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, high stakes, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome, creating a sense of suspense and drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective in conveying the mood and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, contributing to the overall pacing and rhythm of the scene.

125 INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON 125
Samuel plays with a wooden toy at the kitchen table.
Rachel move~ .. alo~~y to _tlle •~~ an~ be_gi~s washing
a few dishes. She looks out the winacw. CLOSE on
he: face, a stra~ge expression.

,... 12€ 126
The distant figure cf Book and Eli working on the
birdhouse. Eli walks toward the house.

127 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER 127
Rachel lights the lamps. Eli enters.
RACHEL *
Be's leaving, isn't he?
ELI *
Yes. Tomorrow morning. He'll
need his city clothes.
RACHEL *
But why? What's he going back
to? Nothing.
ELI
He's going back to his world.
*
It's where he belongs -- he
( knows that ••• and you know it.

,...
Rev. 6/13/84 9·0.
.
·. •.·... ·.•-:. .... .•. ..
,

A-128- ·'
As Book works o~ the birdhouse.

126 EXT. DRIVEWAY - OCSK 128
In the rapidly facinc light, Rachel walks slowly tow:rd
Book. CLCSE on her face, staring straight ahead toward
Book. ANGLE on Book, CLOSE. He turns and watches
Rachel's approach.
BIG WIDE A,.'lGLE
The light now nearly gone, the NIGHT SOUNDS beginning,
as Rachel reaches Book and they emtlrace •

. • • ,i••
., u, .,.. . •·

l
91.

(
129 Z~T. F!~~D SY RO~D - NIGHT · 129

Book and Rachel in a passionate embrace, sink to the
still warm eart:-, an! make love.

131 EXT. RURAr. LANE/LAP? DRIVE - DAWN
A large green sedan approaches along a lane, turns into
the Lapp driveway and stops on a ridge overlooking the
farmhouse. Three -n get out of the car and aurvey 'the
scene. All is still-and quiet.
The car is backed up out of sight. From the truck McFee
and Fergie take out short-barrelled 12 gauge shotguns.
The two spread out as they begin the long walk down
the driveway ••• figures of Olllinous intent atriding
through the misty dawn.

,,,..,

0

I
•
91A •

• 132
Rachel is alone,- preparing bre.:ikfast when the door is
kicked open and MeFee and Fergie enter. She turns, is
about to scream, when Schaeffer enters.
SCHAEFFER
Not a sound! It's Book we want •••
we won't harm your boy.
(He turns to Fergiel
Cheek out the rest of the house.
(He turns back to Rachell
Where is he?
RACHEL
I ••• wh,t •• ,do you •••
She is shaking so much she can hardly get the words
out. Schaeffer smiles kindly.
SCHAEFFER
It's alright, Come on, sit down. ·
There we are.
He leads her to a chair. Her face is drained of blood,
her eyes starir.g at Schaeffer.

133 • l3~
Eli approaches the kitchen from the direction of the
barn, a pail of milk in each hand.

Genres: Drama, Romance, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Emotional, Tense, Passionate, Suspenseful

Summary Samuel plays with a wooden toy while Rachel washes dishes and discusses Book leaving with Eli. Rachel lights the lamps as Eli enters. Rachel embraces Book in the driveway and they make love in the field. Suddenly, a car with armed men, led by Schaeffer, arrives at the farmhouse looking for Book, causing fear and tension for Rachel.

Strengths

Intense emotional moments
Strong character development
Suspenseful atmosphere

Weaknesses

Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

General Critique

The transition from Samuel playing with a wooden toy to Rachel washing dishes and looking out the window is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection.
The dialogue between Rachel and Eli about Book leaving feels forced and lacks depth in exploring their emotions and motivations.
The scene where Rachel and Book embrace in the driveway lacks emotional buildup and feels rushed.
The sudden shift to a passionate embrace and lovemaking between Book and Rachel feels out of place and lacks proper development.
The introduction of McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer entering the scene feels sudden and lacks proper setup or context.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident. The arrival of McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer is not a strong enough catalyst to drive the rest of the scene.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable or engaging.
The scene is too long. It could be cut down by at least a third without losing any of the essential information.
The ending of the scene is weak. It does not leave the audience with a sense of closure or satisfaction.

Chosen for their renowned ability in story structure, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a clear conflict. The characters are not in direct opposition to each other, and there is no sense of urgency or danger.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not get a sense of who they are or what they want.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next, which makes it less suspenseful.
The scene does not contribute to the overall plot of the story. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the rest of the movie.

Selected for their expertise in scene construction, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks emotional depth. The characters do not express their emotions in a way that is believable or engaging.
The scene is too focused on action. The characters do not have enough time to develop relationships or explore their inner lives.
The scene is too violent. The violence is gratuitous and does not serve any purpose.
The scene is not visually interesting. The camera work and lighting are bland and uninspired.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more transitional elements between scenes to create a smoother flow of events.
Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Eli to delve deeper into their conflicting emotions and provide more insight into their characters.
Build up the emotional tension between Rachel and Book before their embrace to make the moment more impactful and believable.
Provide more context and development for the sudden shift to a passionate embrace and lovemaking to make it feel more organic to the story.
Introduce McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer in a more gradual and coherent manner to avoid a jarring introduction of new characters.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Start the scene with a stronger inciting incident. For example, you could have McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer burst into the house and start shooting.
Rewrite the dialogue so that it is more natural and engaging. Have the characters speak in a way that is believable and relatable.
Cut the scene down by at least a third. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Give the scene a stronger ending. For example, you could have Rachel kill one of the intruders, or have Book arrive and save the day.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by John Truby

Give the scene a clear conflict. For example, you could have Rachel and Book trying to protect Samuel from the intruders.
Develop the characters more. Give them clear goals and motivations.
Make the scene less predictable. Add some unexpected twists and turns.
Connect the scene to the overall plot of the story. For example, you could have the intruders be part of a larger conspiracy to kill Book.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Add more emotional depth to the scene. Have the characters express their emotions in a way that is believable and engaging.
Focus less on action and more on character development. Give the characters time to develop relationships and explore their inner lives.
Tone down the violence. The violence should be necessary and serve a purpose.
Make the scene more visually interesting. Use creative camera work and lighting to create a more engaging experience for the audience.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with a mix of romance, tension, and danger that keeps the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of forbidden love, danger, and betrayal is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the arrival of McFee and Fergie, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of separation and longing but adds a unique twist with the idea of returning to one's 'world'. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their emotional truth.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Book and Rachel, show depth and emotion in their interactions, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

Book and Rachel's relationship evolves significantly in this scene, deepening their connection and changing their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand why the other character is leaving and what their departure means for their relationship. This reflects the protagonist's fear of abandonment and desire for stability and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the other character from leaving and to understand the reasons behind their departure. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with separation and uncertainty.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book, Rachel, Schaeffer, and the arrival of McFee and Fergie creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the arrival of the antagonists creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the arrival of McFee and Fergie, putting the characters in danger and adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening relationships, and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden arrival of the antagonists and the unexpected turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of belonging and returning to one's 'world'. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about where they belong and what defines their sense of home.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially with the passionate embrace between Book and Rachel and the impending danger.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and the characters' compelling interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment of conflict and revelation, with a clear buildup and resolution.

134 INT. KI':'CEEN - OA~l * 134
Schaeffer has spotted Eli. He turns to Rachel.
SCHAEFFER
Is he in the barn?

135 EXT. HOUSE - DAWN * 135
Eli stops as MeFee steps out of the front door of
the house. Eli lodks toward the kitchen where he
sees Schaeffer framed in the doorway. He turns to-
ward the barn and shouts.
ELI
Book!
McFee is too late, and the old man has uttered his
cry of warning just before the blow strikes him. Be
staggers, drops the milk, blood streaming from a head
wound.
(Continued)
Rev. 6/12/64 ·92.
...... . .. :··.• .·. •.....: ... :
( .•. i32
•.· .. '

,-..
133
With the =~rst :i;ht cf dawr. on the eastern horizon,
Schaeffer's ear approaches along the lane, pulls into
the Lapp d:ivewa;· and ee:nes to a halt.
In the b.g. we ean make out the farmhouse and
oi.:tbuildings.
HOLD as Sehae:fe:, and MeFee step out of the ea:.
They break out short-barreled twelve-gauge pumps, &ta:t
TOWARD CAMERA, spreading out as they turn up the long
driveway •.. figures of-ominous intent striding through
the 1:1isty dawn.

134 IN~. KITCF.E~ - DAWN 134
Eli works in the kitchen p~eparing a he~~ty Amish ..
breaidast.

135
,.... Rachel, Seek an:: Sa::...ie:. a:e finishing up the 1:10:ning
~i:~i:--.g.

136 136
The kitchen doc: is kicked open and McFee and
Schaeffer, guns down, burst in. Eli stares at them in
a state of complete shock.
SCHAEFFER
Cheek out the rest of the house.
He holsters his weapon, turns to Eli who still stands
in the middle of the room, holding a plate of serapple.
(CONTINt:ED)

,,,...I
93.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary Eli is attacked by Schaeffer while working in his kitchen. McFee arrives too late to prevent the attack, and Eli is left bleeding from a head wound.

Strengths

Tension-filled atmosphere
Strong character dynamics
Effective dialogue

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable outcome

General Critique

The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations and actions, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
The introduction of Schaeffer and McFee bursting into the kitchen feels abrupt and lacks proper build-up or tension.
The actions of the characters, such as Eli dropping the milk and Schaeffer holding a plate of scrapple, seem disconnected from the overall tone and conflict of the scene.
There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in this scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
The visual descriptions could be more vivid and detailed to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Jason Bourne

The scene is too short and does not provide enough context for the viewer to understand what is happening.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
The characters are not developed enough and the viewer does not feel invested in their story.

Chosen for his renowned ability in scene building, critical for this scene.

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal.
The action is not driven by the characters, but rather by the plot.
The ending of the scene is not satisfying and does not leave the viewer wanting more.

Selected for his expertise in cinematic structure, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene does not have a strong beginning, middle, or end.
The pacing is too fast and the viewer does not have time to connect with the characters.
The scene is too predictable and the viewer can guess what is going to happen next.

Chosen for his expertise in scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more context and transitions to clearly establish the flow of the scene from one location to another.
Build up the tension and suspense leading to the moment when Schaeffer and McFee burst into the kitchen to create a more impactful and engaging scene.
Ensure that the actions and reactions of the characters align with the overall tone and conflict of the scene to maintain consistency.
Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters, especially Eli and Rachel, to add depth and complexity to the scene.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting that enhances the overall impact of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Jason Bourne

Add more context to the scene by providing information about the characters and their relationships.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Develop the characters more by giving them clear goals and motivations.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the conflict or goal of the scene and make it clear to the viewer.
Have the characters drive the action of the scene, rather than the plot.
Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and leave the viewer wanting more.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Give the scene a strong beginning by introducing the characters and their goals.
Slow down the pacing of the scene and give the viewer time to connect with the characters.
Make the scene less predictable by adding unexpected twists and turns.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-paced, and sets up a significant conflict that will likely have repercussions in the story.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation between Book and the antagonists at the Lapp farm is crucial for the development of the plot and the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the conflict between Book, McFee, and Schaeffer, adding tension and raising the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of protecting one's family, with unique cultural and societal elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination, fear, and shock, adding depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show resilience and determination in the face of danger, hinting at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and community from outside threats. This reflects his deeper need for security and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend his home and loved ones from intruders. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining safety in a dangerous situation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book, McFee, and Schaeffer is intense and sets the stage for further confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a significant threat that adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the threat of violence and danger looming over the characters, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden intrusion and violent confrontation, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's peaceful beliefs and the violent actions required to protect his family. This challenges his values and worldview.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and determination in the characters and the audience, creating an emotional connection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere and high stakes. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and action.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.

140 INT. BARN, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 140
Book atte~pts to start Elaine's ear but it refuses
to come to life.· He swears under his breath as
he tries again.

141 EXT. BARN, OCTSIDE UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 141
Fergie moves along the side of the barn.

142 EXT. BARN, LO~ER LEVEL - DAY * 142
Mcree walks around the outside of the lower level,
looking for an entrance. He 1·s treading carefully,
anxious not to get.~ny muck on his very shiny shoes.

INT. BAR::, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 143
Book again tries to start the car.

...
l ' . EXT. BA~N, C??ER LEVEL - DAY * 144
Fergie he3rs the sound of the staI"ter motor and runs
towarc a doer tc the upper level.

145 * 145
Fergie approaches the car, his gun levelled. He
peers into the car, no sign of Book.

146 !NT. TRA? DOOR, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 146
At the rear of the car not ten feet from where
Fergie stands, a trapdoor hatch settles back into
place.
147 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 147
Book opens a number of cattle pens, quietly prodding
the cows out into the walkway. He looks about him,
desperately trying to work out his next move.
REV. 6/11/84 94.

148 INT. BARN, UPPER LEVEL - OAY * 148
,... Fergie finds a trapdoor and after looking carefully
below, he slowly descends.

149 INT. LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 149
Fergie climbs down, his eyes peering about him in
the gloom. A goat stares at him, then a cow moves
behind him and Fergie swings around, his gun at the
ready. He moves toward the workshop, pushes the door
open--no Book. He then pushes his way past a cow
toward the western end of the barn. He hears an
echoing sound, seemingly from behind him. He walks
back toward a grain silo near ..the eastern end.

150 !X~. DOOR OF GRAIN SILO, LOWER LEVEL BARN * 150
Fergie pauses outside the hatch leading into the
silo. It is a low and narrow opening. The door
is open part-way. Fergie carefully pushes it open.

151 * 151

,,,.. Eook is near th~ toe of a metal ladder concealed in
a long shaft, attached to the outsi~~ of the silo.
His face is covered with sweat and dust as he looks
down below hi:::.

152 BOOK'S P.O.V. * 152
Below hi~, the top of rergie'shead and shoulders.
Should he look up, Book will die like a rat in a
trap. He watches, tense, as Fergie steps inside the
silo.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense

Summary In a desolate barn, Book's attempt to start a car fails. Fergie circles the barn while Mcree searches for an entrance below. The sound of the starter motor leads Fergie to the car, but Book escapes through a trapdoor, hiding from Fergie's sight. Fergie's search continues, with a tense confrontation in the dimly lit lower level, where he discovers a workshop and grain silo. Meanwhile, Book remains concealed within the grain silo, his face etched with desperation as Fergie's presence intensifies the suspense.

Strengths

Tension-building
Suspenseful atmosphere
Character dynamics

Weaknesses

Minimal dialogue
Limited character development

General Critique

The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps between different levels of the barn without a cohesive narrative thread.
The actions of the characters, such as Book attempting to start the car and Fergie moving around the barn, feel disconnected and do not contribute to the overall progression of the story.
There is a lack of tension and suspense in the scene, as the movements of the characters do not build towards a climactic moment or resolution.
The visual descriptions are detailed but do not effectively convey the mood or atmosphere of the scene, leaving the reader with a sense of confusion and disorientation.
The dialogue is non-existent in this scene, which could have been used to provide insight into the characters' motivations and emotions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Steven Spielberg

The pacing of the scene feels a bit slow and could be tightened to increase tension.
Fergie's movements could be more stealthy and cat-like, adding to the suspense as he searches for Book.
The dialogue between Book and Fergie could be more intense, creating a more gripping confrontation between the two characters.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating suspenseful and action-packed scenes.

Critique by Kathryn Bigelow

The scene lacks a clear emotional core, making it difficult to connect with the characters and their motivations.
The use of violence could be more impactful, utilizing creative camera angles and editing techniques to enhance its emotional impact.
The lighting could be used more effectively to create a sense of claustrophobia and danger within the barn, adding to the overall tension.

Selected for their expertise in directing intense and immersive action sequences with emotional depth.

Critique by Christopher Nolan

The scene could benefit from a more complex and layered plot, incorporating unexpected twists and turns to keep the audience engaged.
The characters could be developed further, giving them clearer motivations and making their actions more relatable to the audience.
The use of sound design could be enhanced to create a more immersive and atmospheric experience, adding to the overall impact of the scene.

Chosen for their expertise in crafting intricate and thought-provoking narratives.

General Suggestions

Focus on a specific goal or conflict for the characters in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
Streamline the actions of the characters to create a more coherent and engaging sequence of events.
Introduce dialogue or inner thoughts to provide depth to the characters and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
Consider adding more visual cues and descriptive language to set the mood and tone of the scene, creating a more immersive reading experience.
Ensure that each action and movement in the scene contributes to the overall story arc and helps to advance the plot towards a resolution.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Steven Spielberg

Cut the unnecessary dialogue and action to create a more streamlined and tense scene.
Have Fergie move with more feline agility, using the shadows and obstacles to his advantage.
Add a moment of intense confrontation between Book and Fergie, where they exchange heated words or engage in a brief physical altercation.

Known for exceptional skill in crafting suspenseful and action-packed scenes.

Suggestion by Kathryn Bigelow

Explore Book's inner turmoil and desperation, giving the audience a deeper understanding of his motivations.
Use shaky cameras and close-ups to create a sense of immediacy and danger during the violence.
Incorporate eerie sound effects, such as creaking floorboards or dripping water, to amplify the sense of claustrophobia.

With profound knowledge in directing intense and immersive action sequences with emotional depth.

Suggestion by Christopher Nolan

Introduce a twist, such as a hidden agenda or betrayal, to add depth to the plot.
Develop Book's character by revealing his past or showing his interactions with other characters.
Use sound design to create an immersive environment, such as the sound of footsteps echoing through the barn or the creaking of the trapdoor.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the use of the hidden trapdoor and the cat-and-mouse game between Book and Fergie. The high-stakes confrontation keeps the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hidden trapdoor in a barn setting adds an element of surprise and danger to the scene. The use of the grain silo as a hiding spot creates a unique and intense situation for the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Book tries to evade Fergie and find a way to escape. The tension between the characters escalates, leading to a climactic confrontation in the barn. The scene keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the classic pursuit and evasion scenario, with unique elements such as the barn setting and the use of livestock as obstacles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

Book's determination and resourcefulness are highlighted as he navigates the dangerous situation with Fergie. Fergie's cautious and methodical approach adds to the suspense of the scene. The characters' actions drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 6

Book's determination and resourcefulness are tested in the scene as he faces a life-threatening situation. Fergie's cautious approach and methodical search show a different side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to evade capture and outsmart their pursuer. This reflects their fear of being caught and their desire to escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being captured by the antagonist and find a way to escape the barn. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book and Fergie is intense and high-stakes, with both characters vying for control in a dangerous situation. The suspenseful atmosphere heightens the conflict and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist's pursuit creating a sense of danger and urgency for the protagonist. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes confrontation between Book and Fergie raises the tension and suspense in the scene. The characters' lives are on the line, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by placing Book in a dangerous situation and forcing him to confront Fergie. The outcome of the confrontation will likely have significant implications for the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the uncertain outcome of the pursuit.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for freedom and the antagonist's pursuit of control and capture. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in autonomy and self-preservation.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience as they witness the dangerous confrontation between Book and Fergie. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' expressions and actions.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and intentions. The tension is mainly built through the characters' actions and expressions rather than dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggle and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and suspense that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and logical progression, with each action leading to the next in a suspenseful manner. The formatting is consistent with the genre's expectations.

153 INT. SILO * 153
Fergie enters, looks up. He sees a trap door in
a wooden floor, far above him. He turns to leave.

154 INT. SHAFT ~ 154
Book.can also see Fergie over the inner edge of the
shaft. He sweeps a few grains of wheat off a ledge
as he reaches into the silo.
Rev. 6/ll/84 95.

( 155 INT. S!LO * 155
Fergie hesitates as something falls bezide him. He
looks up to see Book's arm stretching out from his
hiding place toward some unseen object inside the top
of the silo. He raises his gun to fire.

156 INT. SHAFT/SILO * 156
Book grabs hold of a lever and presses it down.

157 INT. SILO * 157
Fergie fires at the sar:te momen.t as the trap door
opens on the plat:.:o·r:n above him, and grain rushes into
the silo with a gre3t rearing sound. A golden shower
falls onto Fergie, momentarily blinding him, then
knocking hir:t off his feet. He staggers back up, firing
wildly. The deadly grain continues to fall, filling
the lower silo with a fine dust.

156 * 158
Sc!-.3.effer, sweatir:g, stares toward the barn and the
strar:ge echoing sound of Fergie's "shots.

-
1 :,-o EX:. FIEL~S - DAY * 159
Sa~uel too has heard the blasts and he stops, turns,
and looks back down toward the farm.

160 IN:. BAR~, UPPER LEVEL * 160
McFee running into the barn past Book's car. He
finds the trap door and descends.

161 INT. SILO * 161
Fergie gasps and coughs as he struggles to open the
small door by which he entered, but the falling wheat
has sealed it.

162 INT. LADDER, SILO .• 162

Close on Book, the wheat moving in a shower past his
I' face.
Rev. 6/11/84 96.

163 I~T. SILO
. 163
Fergie is being ~uried alive in the wheat which
is now up to his shoulders. He struggles to
keep his head above the rising tide, but every move
he .makes onl}· causes hi:n to sink deeper.

164 INT. BAR:S, LOKER LEVEL . 164
McFee for=ing his way past alarmed cattle toward
the silo.

165 I:-:T. SILO * 165
Fergie's arm is all that can be
seen, as it waves
about, a few seconds before it too is buried. The
wheat fall slows to a trickle and suddenly all is
silent.

166 EX':". s:::..o * 166

~cFee 3~rives at silo door, he looks up to the
sha:-:. above hir.-.,.

* 167

The shaft is err.pty.

168 IXT./EXT. KITCHE~ - DAY * 168
Schaeffer crosses the kitchen to the door, and steps,
outside. He moves several paces from the kitchen and
shouts for McFee. Rachel watches him then moves from
the table watched bv Eli. She crosses to a kitchen
cupboard, and with a
glance in .Schaeffer's direction
opens the cupboard and takes out Book's revolver. Her
tre~.bling hands take the bullets from their hiding
place. She drops several as she attempts to load it.
Eli stares at her in horror. He moves rapidly to her
side, his face pleading.
ELI
No, Rachel.
Rachel struggles with the gun trying to find a way to
~pen and load it.
R!!v. 6/11/84 97.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense

Summary Fergie enters the silo, unaware of Book's presence above. Book triggers a trap door, unleashing a torrent of grain that buries Fergie alive. McFee arrives to find the culprit escaped.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Tense atmosphere

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be repetitive or cliched

General Critique

The scene in the silo is intense and suspenseful, with a good use of visual elements to create tension and excitement.
The action sequences are well-described, with clear and vivid imagery that helps the reader visualize the events unfolding.
The conflict between Book and Fergie is engaging, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development to make the stakes feel higher.
The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and characters, maintaining a sense of continuity and flow.
The use of sound, such as the rearing sound of the falling grain, adds to the atmosphere and tension of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by William Goldman

The scene is too long and slow-paced.
The dialogue is clunky and unnatural.
The characters are not well-developed.
The action is not exciting enough.

Goldman is a renowned screenwriter known for his tight plotting and sharp dialogue.

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear inciting incident.
The conflict is not well-defined.
The climax is not satisfying.

McKee is a renowned screenwriting guru whose book "Story" is considered a must-read for aspiring screenwriters.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene is not properly structured.
The beats are not clear.
The ending is not properly set up.

Field is a renowned screenwriting teacher and author of several books on screenwriting, including "Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting".

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for Book and Fergie to deepen their characters and make the conflict more personal.
Explore the relationship between Book and Fergie further to enhance the emotional impact of their confrontation.
Provide more context or backstory to explain the motivations and actions of the characters in the scene.
Consider incorporating dialogue or interactions between Book and Fergie to add depth to their dynamic and create more tension.
Continue to build suspense and anticipation leading up to the climax of the scene to keep the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by William Goldman

Cut the scene down to no more than two pages.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory.
Add more action to the scene.

Goldman is a renowned screenwriter known for his tight plotting and sharp dialogue.

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Add a clear inciting incident to the scene.
Define the conflict more clearly.
Rewrite the climax to make it more satisfying.

McKee is a renowned screenwriting guru whose book "Story" is considered a must-read for aspiring screenwriters.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Structure the scene properly using the three-act structure.
Make the beats clear by using signposts.
Set up the ending properly by foreshadowing it earlier in the scene.

Field is a renowned screenwriting teacher and author of several books on screenwriting, including "Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting".

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, with a strong mix of tension, emotion, and action. The confrontation in the silo adds depth to the characters and advances the plot effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown in a silo adds a unique and intense element to the scene, showcasing the characters' strengths and vulnerabilities.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves forward effectively, especially with the introduction of high stakes and conflict in the silo showdown.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and intense situation of being buried alive in a silo, which adds a fresh and suspenseful element to the story. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the high-stakes atmosphere of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and show depth in their interactions, especially in moments of tension and emotion.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes, especially in their relationships and dynamics, as they navigate the challenges and conflicts in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival. Fergie is struggling to keep his head above the rising tide of wheat and escape being buried alive. This reflects his fear of death and desire to stay alive.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the silo and the deadly grain. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the danger he is in.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, especially during the showdown in the silo, creating tension and suspense for the characters and the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a life-threatening situation and must overcome significant obstacles to survive. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, especially during the showdown in the silo, where the characters' lives are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's survival is uncertain, adding tension and suspense to the narrative. The unexpected events and obstacles keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between life and death evident in this scene. Fergie's struggle to survive and escape being buried alive challenges his beliefs about mortality and the value of life.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in moments of sadness, anger, and fear, as the characters face intense situations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and drives the scene forward, especially in conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and suspenseful pacing. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's desperate struggle for survival and the danger he faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of danger and conflict. The rhythm of the action sequences and the rising stakes contribute to the scene's effectiveness.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character descriptions. The visual elements are well-described and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of danger and conflict. The pacing and formatting align with the genre's expectations for an action-packed sequence.

169 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 169
Schaeffer glances back toward the kitch~n but apart
from aeeing Rachel and Eli near the kitchen cupboard,
realizes nothing of what is happening. He looks
back toward the barn.

170 INT. KITCHEN • 170

Rachel manages to unlock the chamber of the weapon
and begins inserting the bullets. Eli places his
hands gently on her shoulders.
ELI (whispers)
We must -f..i.nd another way.
Rachel looks up at him.
RACHEL
What other way?
She looks doi-·n a~ the aun, then out toward Schaeffer,
or rather his back which offers a tempting target.

171 EXT. K!TCP.E~ * 171
,-.. Schaeffer still looks toward the barn. Again th~
calls for McFee. The lower door to the barn opens
and McFee steps out. High above on the ridge of the
barn roof, Book appears momentarily silouhetted
against the sky line. Schaeffer shouts and McFee
runs back, gets away a blast but Book has gone. McFee
hurries back inside th~ barn.

172 INT. KITCHEN * 172
Rachel looks again to the gun in her hand, before
slowly laying it down on the edge of the kitchen sink.
Eli folds her into his arms, when softly a voice calls.
SAM o/s
Papa.
Eli, still holding Rachel, looks toward the spring
room. There, in the shadows atands Samuel. Rachel
turns, is about to cry out when Eli covers her
mouth. He motions for Samuel to stay where he is.
Schaeffer comes back to the kitchen door and orders
them outside. Trying not to look in Samuel's direction
they move toward the kitchen door. Rachel follows
,-.. Schaeffer outside, Eli hesitates at the door hia attention
caught by the sight of the bell-rope hanging outside thte
kitchen window. He looks back to the spring room.

(CONTINUED)
R.ev. 6/11/84 98.

( CONTINUED *
,... 172 Samuel is there, watching. As Schaeffer calls again 172
to him, Eli points the rope out to Samuel and mimes
pulling it. _Then he steps quickly out to join Rachel
and Schaeffer, who has now drawn his own service pistol.

173 EX'!'. KITCH£?; * 173
Schaeffer walks behind his hostages toward the
barn.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Rachel unlocks and loads a gun but is persuaded by Eli to put it down. Samuel appears and Eli signals him to pull the bell-rope. Eli, Rachel, and Schaeffer exit the kitchen, with Schaeffer holding them hostage and pointing a gun at them.

Strengths

Tension-building
Emotional depth
Character dynamics

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

General Critique

The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It is not clear why Rachel is unlocking and loading the gun, and why Eli is trying to stop her.
The tension and suspense in the scene could be heightened by providing more context and background information on the characters' relationships and the overall situation.
The visual descriptions are lacking in detail, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the scene and understand the characters' movements and interactions.
The dialogue is minimal and does not effectively convey the emotions and intentions of the characters.
The transition between the kitchen and the exterior setting could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central conflict. While there is tension and suspense, the audience is unsure of what the characters are ultimately striving for or against.
The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth and nuance. The characters' conversations feel stilted and unnatural.
The pacing is uneven, with long stretches of exposition followed by sudden bursts of action. This makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and unsatisfying. The audience is left with a sense of confusion and disappointment.
The scene is too reliant on clichés and predictable plot devices. This makes it feel unoriginal and derivative.

McKee is a renowned expert in screenplay structure and dialogue, making him well-equipped to critique this scene.

Critique by Linda Seger

The scene lacks a strong emotional core. The characters are not emotionally connected to each other or to the events of the scene.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not have a clear understanding of their motivations, desires, or fears.
The scene does not advance the plot in a meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
The scene is too focused on action and not enough on character development. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next.

Seger is a renowned expert in character development and emotional storytelling, making her well-equipped to critique this scene.

Critique by Christopher Vogler

The scene does not have a clear mythic structure.
The characters do not go through a transformative journey.
The scene does not have a clear resolution.
The scene is not in service to the overall story.
The scene is not visually interesting.

Vogler is a renowned expert in mythic structure and the hero's journey, making him well-equipped to critique this scene.

General Suggestions

Provide more insight into Rachel and Eli's relationship and their reasons for their actions in the scene.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
Add more dialogue to clarify the characters' thoughts and emotions, as well as to drive the plot forward.
Consider restructuring the scene to improve the pacing and flow, ensuring a seamless transition between the indoor and outdoor settings.
Focus on building tension and suspense by revealing more about Schaeffer's intentions and the imminent danger faced by the characters.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central conflict of the scene and make it clear to the audience.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and emotionally resonant.
Replot the scene to create a more even pace and build to a more satisfying climax.
Avoid clichés and predictable plot devices.
Add more depth and complexity to the characters.

McKee is a renowned expert in screenplay structure and dialogue, making him well-equipped to provide these suggestions.

Suggestion by Linda Seger

Develop the characters' backstories and motivations.
Create more emotional connections between the characters.
Find ways to make the scene more relevant to the overall plot.
Focus on developing the characters' inner lives.
Add more surprises and unexpected twists.

Seger is a renowned expert in character development and emotional storytelling, making her well-equipped to provide these suggestions.

Suggestion by Christopher Vogler

Identify the mythic archetype that the scene represents.
Create a clear journey for the characters to go on.
Give the scene a clear resolution.
Make sure the scene is in service to the overall story.
Add more visually interesting elements to the scene.

Vogler is a renowned expert in mythic structure and the hero's journey, making him well-equipped to provide these suggestions.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal to the plot, with strong character dynamics and high stakes.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of betrayal, loyalty, and sacrifice is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with tension building throughout the scene and leading to a climactic confrontation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of family loyalty and conflict resolution in a dangerous situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex relationships and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations during the scene, deepening their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid violence and keep his family safe from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of being held hostage and threatened with a weapon.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the stakes escalating.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of violence and the characters' conflicting goals creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters' lives and relationships on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of the hostage situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between using violence to protect loved ones and finding a non-violent solution to conflict. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the use of force in dangerous situations.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and emotional, revealing the characters' inner conflicts and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment.

174 INT. KITCHEN * 174
Samuel slowly walks toward the window, and stares at
the swaying bell-rope. Then he sees the gun on the
edge of the sink. He moves toward it.

175 INT. KITCHEN * 175
Close on the gun, as Samuel approaches.

176 INT. BARN UPPER LEVEL * 176
,... Book moving among the rafters. McFee spots him.
Before he can fire Book drops down behind a buggy.
McFee fires into the buggy virtually demolishing
it. He moves forward to see if he hit his man.
He sees yet another open trap door through which
Book has escaped.

177 INT. WOODWORK SHOP, BARN - DAY * 177
Book grabs a hammer from the workshop bench and
hurries out.

178 EXT. SILO DOOR, BARN - DAY * 178
Book bashes at the hinge of the silo door.

179 INT. UPPER BARN - DAY • 179
McFee hears the sound, hurries down the laddor.

,...
Rev. 6/11/84 99.

{ EXT. BAR.'l - DAY
180 * 180
,-...
Schaeffer, Eli and Rac~el approach the upper barn.

181 EXT./INT. SILO DOOR * 181
Book has got the door off its hinges and is frantic-
ally digging in the wheat for Fergies weapon. He
exposes part of the body, then continues digging.

182 INT. LOWER BARN - DAY * 182
Mc~ee moves toward the silo.

183 EXT./:::!,T. SILO - DAY * 183
Book finds Fergie's shotgun, opens it to find it
empty. He searches the pockets of the corpse to
find extra shells which he slams in the breach.
He turns, and begins moving as McFee approaches. It's
mom~ntarily like the old west as the two men approach
each other. They both raise their weapons but Book
is faster and the charge from the shotgun blows
McFee back six-feet before he crashes to the barn
iloor. Book moves toward the body. He looks up
to see Rachel and Eli, Schaeffer behind them, a
gun to Rachel's head.
SCHAEFFER
Put it down, Book.
Easy.
It is at this moment they hear it, the lonely sound
of a tolling bell.

Genres: Drama, Action, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense

Summary Samuel retrieves a gun while Book confronts McFee in the barn. Book shoots McFee, and Schaeffer threatens Rachel. A bell tolls as the scene concludes.

Strengths

Intense action
Emotional depth
Tense dialogue
High stakes
Engaging plot progression

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements in the action sequence
Slight predictability in character interactions

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel approaching the gun in the kitchen to Book moving among the rafters in the barn, which may confuse the audience.
The action sequences involving McFee spotting Book, firing into the buggy, and then discovering the open trap door feel rushed and could benefit from more detailed descriptions to build tension.
The transition from the woodwork shop to the silo door where Book is bashing at the hinge could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
The confrontation between Book and McFee in the silo lacks emotional depth and could be enhanced by adding more internal thoughts or dialogue to convey the intensity of the moment.
The introduction of the tolling bell at the end feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated to create a more cohesive climax.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear central dramatic question. What do the characters want, and what are the obstacles to getting it? The scene mostly consists of the characters wandering around and reacting to events, but it needs a more focused dramatic structure.
The scene is too long. It could be significantly shortened without losing any of the essential information or character development.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no one would actually talk in real life.
The action is confusing and hard to follow. The reader has difficulty understanding what is happening and why.
The scene lacks emotional resonance. The reader does not feel invested in the characters or their situation.

Chosen for their renowned ability in story structure, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by William Goldman

The scene is not cinematic. It would be difficult to translate to the screen in a visually interesting way.
The characters are not well-developed. The reader does not learn enough about them to care about their fate.
The setting is not well-described. The reader does not get a clear sense of where the scene is taking place.
The tone of the scene is inconsistent. It shifts from serious to comic to melodramatic, which makes it difficult for the reader to connect with the story.
The scene is not suspenseful. The reader does not feel invested in the outcome of the events.

Selected for their expertise in screenwriting, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene has no clear beginning, middle, or end. It starts abruptly and ends without resolution.
The scene is too episodic. It does not build to a satisfying climax.
The scene lacks conflict. The characters do not have any real obstacles to overcome.
The scene is predictable. The reader can guess what is going to happen next.
The scene is boring. The reader does not find it engaging or entertaining.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between Samuel approaching the gun and Book in the barn to improve the coherence of the scene.
Enhance the action sequences involving McFee to build tension and suspense, providing more detailed descriptions of the events unfolding.
Work on the pacing of the scene by refining the transitions between different locations and actions to maintain a seamless flow.
Add more emotional depth to the confrontation between Book and McFee in the silo by incorporating internal thoughts or dialogue to heighten the intensity of the moment.
Integrate the tolling bell element more effectively into the scene to create a stronger sense of climax and resolution.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the central dramatic question of the scene. What do the characters want, and what are the obstacles to getting it?
Cut unnecessary dialogue and action. Focus on the essential elements of the story.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Make the action more clear and easy to follow.
Add emotional resonance to the scene by giving the characters more depth and motivation.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by William Goldman

Visualize the scene as a movie. How would you shoot it? What camera angles would you use? What lighting? What music?
Develop the characters more fully. Give them backstories, motivations, and conflicts.
Describe the setting in more detail. Use sensory details to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
Establish a consistent tone for the scene. Decide whether it should be serious, comic, melodramatic, or something else.
Create suspense by building tension and uncertainty. Make the reader wonder what will happen next.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end. Start with a hook that grabs the reader's attention, develop the conflict in the middle, and end with a satisfying resolution.
Build to a climax. The climax should be the most exciting and suspenseful moment in the scene.
Create conflict between the characters. Give them obstacles to overcome and make them fight for what they want.
Surprise the reader. Don't make the scene predictable. Add twists and turns to keep the reader guessing.
Make the scene fun to read. Use humor, action, and suspense to keep the reader engaged.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and action. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its high stakes and dramatic confrontations.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown at the barn is executed well, with intense action and emotional depth. The scene effectively combines elements of drama, action, and thriller genres.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the conflict escalating to a climax. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up the next stage of the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic showdown between the protagonist and antagonist, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the conflict.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations drive the scene forward. Book, McFee, Rachel, and Eli all play crucial roles in the confrontation.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes a transformation as he faces McFee and fights for survival. His actions and decisions in the scene shape his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and those he cares about from the antagonist. This reflects his deeper need for survival and the fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to outsmart and defeat the antagonist, McFee, in a life-threatening situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to overcome it to ensure his safety and the safety of others.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral stakes at play. The tension between the characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing formidable challenges and obstacles in his quest to defeat the antagonist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line and moral dilemmas at play. The outcome of the confrontation will have a significant impact on the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts and resolutions. It advances the plot and builds anticipation for the next developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's attempts to outsmart the antagonist. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the confrontation will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between good and evil, as represented by the protagonist and the antagonist. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and morality, as he is forced to make difficult decisions to protect himself and his loved ones.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, anger, and sadness. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and intentions. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and dramatic confrontations between the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and eager to see how the conflict resolves.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that culminates in a thrilling confrontation between the characters. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard conventions of screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the action unfolding.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense leading up to the climactic confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist.

184 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 184
. Sam tugs at the bell-rope with all his strength.

185 EXT. BELL-TOWER - DAY * 185
The bell aways rythmically back and forth.

186 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 186

I Schaeffer turns to Eli.
,,,... • (CONTINUED)
Rev. 6/11/84 100.

186 CONT-INUEO 186
SCHAEFFER
Go and get the boy.
Be cocks the gun at Rachel's head. Eli hurries
out.

187 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 187
Samuel still tugging at the rope as his grandfather
comes up behind him. He sweeps him into his arms
and turns around, his eyes raised toward the hills.

188 EXT. FARM - DAY * 188
Running figures on the skyline, on the driveway and
coming across the fields -- black clad figures,
running, answering the bell, the Amish cry for help.
We can make out the Hochleitners, the Stoltzfus
family and others.

, 189 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 189.
,-... Schaeffer leads his ;:risoners toward the barn door.

190 EXT./IN':'. BAR.'s - DAY * 190
As Schaeffer pushes them out onto the driveway, they
stop and stare at the approaching Amish. They number
close to thirty, mostly men but with a sprinkling of
women and children. They move toward Schaeffer and
his hostages.
SCHAEFFER
I'm a police officer. This man
is wanted for murder, stand well back.
Eli and Samuel join the edge of the group.
SCHAEFFER (to Book)
We leave quietly and calmy, and
nothing will happen to them.

Book begins to move ahead of Schaeffer, the gun now
at his head. He looks to the faces of the Amish. Bis
eyes rest on Daniel Bochleitner, powerless as he watches.
Eli makes a move, stands in front of Book, blocking
their path. Daniel and his brother join him. Schaeffer
hesitates his brain racing to work out the best move. Be
waives his gun at them.
(CONTINUED)
Rev; 6/15/84 · ··101.· ··· ..
( 190 190
SCHAEFFER
Move! Or ! 1 ::.1 shoot.
ELI
You can't kill us all.
Other Amish close in, now a tight circle about
them. Book turns on his captor, reaches out for
the gun levelled at his head.
BOO!<
Enough.
He reaches toward the gun and wrenches it from
Schaeffer's hand. · '

Genres: Drama, Thriller, Action
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense

Summary Sam rings the bell, summoning the Amish. Schaeffer holds Rachel hostage, but the community confronts him. A tense standoff ensues, resolved when Book disarms Schaeffer.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Strong character dynamics

Weaknesses

Potential for confusion with multiple characters and actions

General Critique

The scene lacks clear descriptions of the characters' emotions and motivations, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the tension and conflict.
The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to reveal the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
The action sequences could be more vividly described to create a sense of urgency and suspense.
The transition between the different locations is abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
There is a lack of sensory details that could help immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks focus and clarity in its purpose. What is the main conflict or dramatic question that is being explored? It seems to be jumping between different conflicts and themes without fully developing any of them.
The dialogue is clunky and unnatural, especially the lines from Schaffer. They sound like something out of a bad cop movie.
The scene ends abruptly without any real resolution or sense of closure. It feels like it was cut short or that there is more to the story that we are not seeing.

Chosen for their renowned ability in crafting compelling and emotionally resonant screenplays, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene does not adhere to the three-act structure. It starts with a conflict, but then there is no development or resolution. It feels like the first act of a screenplay that never gets to the second or third act.
The pacing is off. The scene starts slowly and then rushes to a conclusion without giving the audience time to connect with the characters or the story.
The characters are not well-developed. We don't know much about them or what their motivations are. This makes it difficult to care about what happens to them.

Selected for their expertise in plot structure and pacing, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene lacks a strong central metaphor or theme. It's unclear what the scene is trying to say about the characters or the world.
The scene is too focused on external action and not enough on internal conflict. We don't get a sense of what the characters are thinking or feeling.
The ending of the scene is unsatisfying. It doesn't provide a sense of closure or resolution.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Add more internal monologue or dialogue to reveal the characters' thoughts and emotions during the standoff.
Enhance the action sequences by describing the movements and reactions of the characters in more detail.
Include sensory details such as sounds, smells, and visuals to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Consider building up the tension gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful climax.
Provide clearer transitions between the different locations to improve the coherence and flow of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Identify the main conflict or dramatic question that you want to explore in the scene. Once you know what the scene is about, you can start to develop the characters, dialogue, and action to support that conflict.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using clichés or stock phrases.
Add a sense of closure or resolution to the end of the scene. This doesn't mean that you have to tie up all the loose ends, but you should give the audience a sense of satisfaction or catharsis.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Revise the scene to follow the three-act structure. This will give the scene a stronger sense of shape and direction.
Slow down the pacing at the beginning of the scene and give the audience time to get to know the characters and the setting.
Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and goals. This will make the audience care more about what happens to them.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by John Truby

Identify a strong central metaphor or theme for the scene. This will give the scene a deeper meaning and resonance.
Add more internal conflict to the scene. This will make the characters more complex and interesting.
Revise the ending of the scene to provide a sense of closure or resolution. This will leave the audience feeling satisfied.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal to the plot, with strong character dynamics and high stakes.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a standoff between an outsider and a corrupt authority figure within an Amish community is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the confrontation between Book and Schaeffer, leading to a crucial turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic conflict between pacifism and violence, with authentic character actions and dialogue that enhance the authenticity of the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Book and Schaeffer, show depth and development in this scene, with conflicting motivations and emotions.

Character Changes: 8

Book undergoes a significant change as he takes control of the situation and stands up against Schaeffer, showing his growth and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and community from harm, reflecting his deep sense of duty and responsibility towards his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the antagonist from harming his family and community members, reflecting the immediate threat and danger they are facing.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book and Schaeffer, as well as the larger conflict between the Amish community and outside threats, is intense and engaging.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with high stakes and conflicting values that create a sense of uncertainty and danger for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Book faces off against Schaeffer, risking his life and the safety of the Amish community.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for the next narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected actions taken by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and the antagonist's use of force and intimidation. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as he must decide whether to resort to violence to protect his loved ones.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, with fear, anger, and hope driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner conflicts and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation that drives the story forward.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward.

190A EXT./I~T. l<I':'CHEll WINDOW - LATER 190A *
Sam appears at the window, stares out. Rachel's *
VOICE OS calls him away. He takes a last look, then
lea•;es.

1S0B SA.~UtL'S ?CV - FUL~ SHOT - WE SEE: 19011 *
,,.... Two Lancaster County police cars, an unmarked detective's
car and a paramedic wagon parked in the drive. Several
detectives and four uniformed officers confer with Book,
who is still in Amish clothing. Schaeffer sits in the
rear ot the squad car. In the background the paruedics
wheel a gurney holding a body bag to their wagon. (NOTE:
NO A.~ISH are to be seen.)

191 INT. HALLWAY/BOOK'S BEDROOM, LAPP FARM - DAY 191

(Time Lapse)
seen from the hallway the room is apparently empty
until from the end of the room Book steps into
frame. He'• dressed in his city suit. Be stands
alone, looking about the room before hastily leaving,
closing the door behind him.
..
192 EXT. LAPP FARM - LATE AFTER.~OON 192
The door opens and Book steps out, looking awkward
in his city clothes. He looks about him, sees Samuel
down by the pond.
I
. . ...,· ~

·Revised: . 6/ 15/8~ : . : ..
(
193
He sits besi:e sa:::uel. They both stare into t.~e
pond.
SA?~~'-EL
You're not e\·er c0111ing back,
are you?
BOOK
:qc, Sa.'11.

A long silence between thm:i.
SAMUEL
Have you ·got your gun on
now?
BOOK (Laughs)
Yes, I have.
T!:e l:)cy s:::i!es, ar.c t!le1,• el:lbrace.

194
Boo~ o~ens the coor o! his car, turns to stare
bac~ at E!i ar.c Ra:hel. As ne turns to get in,
Eli sh01:ts:
ELI
You be careful out among
them English:
Eli moves inside leaving Book anc Rachel. A long look,
a sharec smile, and then Book gets quickly into his car.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary As detectives investigate a tragic event at the Lapp farm, Book bids farewell to his family and community. Dressed in both Amish and city attire, he reflects on his past and the path he must now take. With a heavy heart, he departs, leaving behind loved ones who watch him go with a mix of sorrow and well wishes.

Strengths

Strong character development
Intense conflict
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more impactful

General Critique

The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. It would be beneficial to have a more seamless transition to help the audience follow the story.
The dialogue between Samuel and Book feels a bit forced and could be more natural. The conversation about the gun could be more nuanced and emotionally impactful.
The interaction between Book and Samuel lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship further and add more layers to their conversation.
The ending of the scene with Eli's warning to Book feels cliched and predictable. It would be more effective to have a more unique and impactful ending to the interaction between the characters.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks emotional depth and closure for the characters involved. There is a missed opportunity to explore the impact of Book's actions on the community and his relationship with Rachel and Samuel.
The dialogue between Book and Samuel feels rushed and lacks the profound emotional resonance that could have been achieved in this moment of parting.
The transition from the intense confrontation with Schaeffer to the quiet interaction with Samuel lacks a smooth emotional arc and resolution.

Chosen for their renowned ability in creating emotional depth and character development, which is crucial for this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene lacks a clear focus on the central conflict or resolution. The shift from the intense standoff to Book's conversation with Samuel feels abrupt and disconnected.
There is a need for more visual cues and actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
The pacing of the scene could be improved to build tension and suspense leading up to the final moments.

Selected for their expertise in structuring scenes and creating visual storytelling elements, necessary for addressing key elements in this scene.

Critique by Aaron Sorkin

The dialogue between Book and Samuel lacks the sharp wit and emotional depth that could elevate the scene and make it more impactful.
There is a need for more subtext and nuance in the interactions between the characters to add layers to the scene.
The resolution of the conflict with Schaeffer and the transition to the final moments with Samuel could be more seamlessly integrated for a more satisfying conclusion.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth and dialogue, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue between Samuel and Book to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
Explore the relationship between Book and Samuel further to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
Revise the ending of the scene to make it more impactful and less predictable.
Add more visual descriptions and details to enhance the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Work on creating a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to improve the flow of the story.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Consider adding a moment of reflection or closure for Book and Rachel to deepen their relationship and provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Expand the dialogue between Book and Samuel to explore their emotional connection and the impact of their parting.
Create a smoother transition from the intense standoff with Schaeffer to the quiet moment with Samuel to maintain the emotional tension throughout the scene.

Known for exceptional skill in creating emotional depth and character development, crucial for this scene's success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Clarify the central conflict and resolution of the scene to provide a more cohesive narrative structure.
Enhance the visual storytelling elements to immerse the audience in the scene and create a more engaging experience.
Adjust the pacing of the scene to build tension and suspense leading up to the final moments with Samuel.

With profound knowledge in structuring scenes and creating visual storytelling elements, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by Aaron Sorkin

Revise the dialogue between Book and Samuel to infuse it with wit, subtext, and emotional depth to engage the audience.
Add layers of nuance to the interactions between the characters to enhance the complexity and depth of the scene.
Integrate the resolution of the conflict with Schaeffer and the final moments with Samuel more seamlessly to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and full of suspense, with well-developed characters and high stakes.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a clash between the Amish way of life and outside threats is well-executed, with strong character dynamics and a gripping plot.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with multiple layers of conflict and tension driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the clash of cultures and values, with authentic character actions and dialogue.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are compelling, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Book shows growth and determination in facing the challenges presented to him, while Rachel displays strength and defiance in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with leaving the Amish community and returning to his city life. This reflects his deeper desire for belonging and identity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to solve a mystery or crime related to the body bag being wheeled away. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with multiple layers of tension and opposing forces at play.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line and the future of the characters hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the climax and resolving key conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's Amish values and the English world he is returning to. This challenges his beliefs and values.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly in the moments of confrontation and resolution.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and building tension, but could be more impactful in some moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mystery, emotional depth, and character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional resonance.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, enhancing readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and character development.

195 INT. /EXT. DlUV!:, LAPP FAR.lit - LATE AFTERNOON 195
As Book drives, he sees an open buggy coming down the
hill toward the farm. He slows as he passes. It's
Daniel Hcchleitner. A long beat, and as they pass,
Hochleitner gives Book the briefest tip of his hat.

196 INT. BOOK'S CAR 196.
~

Book-turns to look back at his rival, a doubt in
bis eyes. Freeze frame.
0
FADE 00'1':
I
,-..

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary As Book drives along a dirt road, he encounters Hochleitner, his rival, in a buggy. Book slows down and Hochleitner briefly tips his hat. Book turns to look back at Hochleitner with a doubtful expression, creating a tense and uncertain atmosphere.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
High stakes

Weaknesses

Some elements may be predictable

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure for the character of Daniel Hochleitner, leaving the audience with unanswered questions about his role in the story.
The freeze frame at the end feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.
There is a missed opportunity to further explore the internal conflict and doubt in Book's eyes as he looks back at Hochleitner, which could have added depth to his character development.
The brief interaction between Book and Hochleitner could have been more impactful if there was a clearer indication of the significance of their rivalry or relationship.
The scene could benefit from more context or background information to help the audience understand the significance of Hochleitner tipping his hat to Book.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Robert McKee

The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for Book. What does he want to achieve by this meeting with Hochleitner?
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real people would.
The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be significantly shortened without losing any of its essential information.

Chosen for their renowned ability in a key area, which is critical for this scene.

Critique by Syd Field

The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way. It's just a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the story.
The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn anything new about them or their motivations.
The scene is too predictable. We can guess what's going to happen next from the moment it starts.

Selected for their expertise in a specific area, necessary for addressing elements in this scene.

Critique by John Truby

The scene is too ambiguous. It's not clear what the characters are thinking or feeling.
The scene is too slow-paced. It drags on and loses the audience's interest.
The scene is too sentimental. It tries to evoke emotion through cheap tricks rather than through genuine character development.

Chosen for their expertise in enhancing scene depth, which will enrich this particular scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a brief dialogue exchange between Book and Hochleitner to provide more insight into their relationship and add depth to the scene.
Instead of a freeze frame, consider ending the scene with a more dynamic or visually engaging shot to leave a lasting impression on the audience.
Explore the internal conflict within Book further by incorporating his thoughts or emotions in a voiceover or visual representation.
Provide more context or foreshadowing throughout the script to build up the rivalry between Book and Hochleitner, making their brief interaction more impactful.
Consider revisiting the scene to add a sense of closure or resolution for the character of Daniel Hochleitner, tying up loose ends and satisfying the audience's curiosity.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Robert McKee

Give Book a clear goal or objective for this meeting. What does he want to achieve?
Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and authentic.
Cut the scene down to its essential elements. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.

Known for exceptional skill in a crucial area for this scene’s success.

Suggestion by Syd Field

Add a plot point to the scene. This could be something that changes the direction of the story or reveals new information about the characters.
Develop the characters by giving them more backstory and motivation.
Make the scene less predictable by adding some unexpected twists and turns.

With profound knowledge in a vital area, their guidance is pivotal for the scene.

Suggestion by John Truby

Clarify the characters' thoughts and feelings through their dialogue and actions.
Speed up the pace of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
Remove the sentimental elements and focus on developing the characters and the plot.

Expertise makes them indispensable for achieving greater depth and cohesion in the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally impactful, and crucial to the resolution of the story. It effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the final confrontation between Book and the antagonists is well-executed, with strong emotional beats and high stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the conflict escalating to a climax. The resolution of the conflict is satisfying and ties up loose ends.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar rivalry trope but adds depth through internal conflict and subtle gestures. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their actions are consistent with their motivations. The emotional depth of the characters adds to the impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and allegiances.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assess his feelings towards his rival and possibly confront his doubts. This reflects his deeper need for validation or confidence in his abilities.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue driving and possibly reach his destination. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his journey.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and reaches a climax, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 6

The opposition is moderate, with the rival character providing a challenge but not a major obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting up the final act of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 5

The scene is somewhat predictable in its setup and resolution, lacking major twists or surprises.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between competition and self-doubt. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in his own abilities and the value of rivalry.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly during the moments of confrontation and resolution.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the subtle emotional cues.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively through visual cues and character reactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a typical format for a character-driven scene, focusing on internal conflict and character interaction.

Witness

Executive Summary

Pass/Consider/Recommend/Highly Recommend

Engine: Claude

Consider

Engine: GPT4

Recommend

Promo

Overview

Market Analysis

Scene Level Percentiles

Script Level Percentiles

Emotions Elicited Percentiles

Writer's Voice

Story Shape

Emotions Elicited

Suspense

Empathy

Fear

Surprise

Joy

Sadness

Engine: Claude

Consider

Executive Summary

Engine: Gemini

Recommend

Executive Summary

Engine: GPT4

Recommend

Executive Summary

Screenplay Insights:

Screenplay Story Analysis

Rachel - Score: 82/100

Role

Personality

Scenes

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Scene Impact 8/10

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 7

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

MBTI: isfj

Suggestions