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Scene 1 -  Amidst Grief: An Amish Funeral
3 EXT. COli"NTRY LANE - DAY 3
An Amish buggy, black and highwheeled, stark against
the landscape, appears, a spirited chestnut in the
traces.
Framed in the glass window of the narrow buggy is the
stern figure of an Amish man in black topcoat and
flatbrimmed hat, his bonneted wife in muted colors, and
the face of a boy, attired like his father, peering
out.
The horse's breath smokes on the frosty air, the buggy
CREAKS on its springs, and there's the rhythmic CLIP-
CLOP OF HOOVES on the pavement,

4 ANOTHER LAh"E 4
Two Amish buggies reach a crossroads, join a procession
of three others. They disappear as the lane wends
through a leafless thicket of hickory.

s VALLEY s
A BIG SHOT,,, now the procession numbers almost a dozen
buggies ••• it is headed toward a distant farmhouse,

6 BARNYARD 6
Where literally dozens of carriages are parked. The
,,... horses have been taken from the traces, removed to the
shelter of the barn,
2.
,...,I
7 :j:NT. BARN 7
The horses are stalled or tethered ••• a long row of
men's black overcoats hanging on wall hooks.

B ?N'l'. SCREENED PORCH 8
Where dozens of pairs of overshoes, men's, women's and
childrens', have been set in ro.ws.
END TITLE SEQUENCE.

9 INT. l.APP FARMHOUSE 9
Partitions have been removed, making the central rooms
of the farmhouse a spacious hall. The place is packed,
a hundred-fifty or more Amish, all sitting in absolute
silence on rows of wooden benches.
A wooden coffin rests on a bench in the f.g., and near
it the close relatives of the deceased occupy a special
place.

RACHE:. LAPP

A roung woman of perhaps twenty-seven. Ber face is
pa.e and drawn. In happier circumstances, although
there haven't been too many of late in Rachel's life,
we would see a robust, sensual woman of full figure,
spirit and intelligence.
Eight-year-old SAMUEL LAPP sits next to his mother; he
would appear stunned, possibly not entirely comprehend-
ing events.
And the patriarch, ELI LAPP; his stubborn, weathered --
yet not unkind -- features grief-stricken.

TU MOURNERS
Their faces •.•

CLOCK

as it begins to CHIME nine a.m.

FAVORING PREACHER
I
,-.. as he removes his hat. As one, the men in the congre-
gation remove their hats also.
(CONTINUED)
. .. . . •• • •. : · . ,l ••



,-...
9

Then the preacher be~ins to speak in a for.rial Gennan
dialect:
(SOBTIT:.Es OV=:R)
BISHOP TSCHA.~TZ
a brother has been called home.
God has spoken through the death of
our neighbor, Jacob Lapp •••
THZ FAMI!.Y
Where Rachel, Samuel and Eli are sitting. SOUNDS of emo-
tion and grief not q~ite suppressed are heard throughout as:
BISHC? TSCHA.~TZ
••• husband of Rachel, father to
Samuel, son of. Eli.
(and)
His chair is empty, his bed is
e.~pty, his voice will be heard no
more. He was needed in our
presence, but God needs such men,
too. That one should be taken so
younq is a 9reat sorrow. Still, we
would not wish him bac~. Rather we
sho~ld pre,are ourselves to follow him.




10 * 10
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary An Amish procession of buggies arrives at a farmhouse for the funeral of Jacob Lapp. The family, including Rachel, Samuel, and Eli, grieves in silence as Bishop Tschantz delivers a eulogy in German, highlighting Jacob's absence and the sorrow of his passing. The scene conveys a somber and mournful atmosphere, with visual elements such as the coffin, buggies, and rows of mourners.
Strengths
  • Effective setting establishment
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Cultural authenticity
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of immediate action
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a somber and reflective tone, introduces key characters, and establishes the cultural context.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a traditional Amish funeral is well-executed and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the funeral proceedings and the grief of the family, setting up potential conflicts and emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its portrayal of Amish funeral customs, the emotional depth of the characters, and the philosophical reflections on life and death. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced effectively, showcasing their relationships and emotions in the face of loss.

Character Changes: 6

The characters are beginning to grapple with the loss of a loved one, setting the stage for potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to come to terms with the loss of her husband and find strength to move forward. This reflects her deeper need for resilience, her fear of facing life as a widow, and her desire to find peace amidst grief.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to honor her husband's memory and fulfill her role as a grieving widow in the Amish community. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the funeral and the challenges of facing the congregation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict due to the loss of a family member, the scene is more focused on mourning and community solidarity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Rachel faces the internal conflict of grief and the external challenge of fulfilling her role as a widow in the Amish community. The audience is unsure of how she will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high due to the loss of a family member and the impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets the stage for potential conflicts and emotional arcs to unfold in the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional reactions of the characters, the unexpected twists in the preacher's eulogy, and the unresolved grief of the protagonist. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how Rachel will cope with her loss.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the acceptance of God's will and the belief in the afterlife. This challenges Rachel's beliefs about life, death, and the purpose of suffering.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong sense of sadness and empathy for the characters' grief.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is formal and reflective of the Amish culture, setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, rich descriptions, and the tension between grief and faith. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the funeral ceremony keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, creating emotional impact, and allowing moments of reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-structured to convey the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic funeral gathering, with a clear progression from the arrival of the mourners to the preacher's eulogy. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the somber atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual of an Amish procession of buggies, setting the tone for the funeral procession. However, the description of the scene lacks emotional depth and connection to the characters. It focuses more on the physical surroundings rather than the internal emotions of the characters.
  • The dialogue of the preacher in German adds authenticity to the scene, but the translation provided in subtitles could be more impactful. It should convey the gravity of the situation and the emotions of the family members mourning the loss of Jacob Lapp.
  • The description of the family members, especially Rachel, Samuel, and Eli, lacks depth and characterization. More details about their emotions, reactions, and relationships with the deceased could enhance the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere. Descriptions of sounds, smells, and physical sensations could help bring the funeral procession to life and evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience.
  • Overall, the scene sets the stage for a somber and emotional event, but it could be improved by focusing more on the internal struggles and relationships of the characters involved.
Suggestions
  • Add more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the internal thoughts and feelings of the characters, especially Rachel, Samuel, and Eli.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the preacher in German to convey the gravity of the situation and the impact of Jacob Lapp's death on the community.
  • Include more sensory details to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere, such as describing the sounds of grief, the smell of the countryside, and the physical sensations of the characters.
  • Focus on character development and relationships to make the scene more engaging and relatable to the audience.
  • Consider revising the description to prioritize emotional connections and character dynamics over physical surroundings.



Scene 2 -  Condolences at the Lapp Farmhouse
11 INT. LAPP FARMHOCSE 11
Where the Amish have gathered for the traditional post-
funeral, midday meal.
(CONTINUED)
11 CONTINUED: 11
Long tables are laden with customary Amish fare •••
crocks of soup, hams, fowl, fried potatoes, boiled eggs
and pickled beets, preserves and infinite variety of
pies and pastries.

RACHEL

Where she sits among women, accepting their condolences.

DANIEL HOCHSTETLER
A brawny-armed, ruggedly-handsome, somewhat raffish
looking Amishman. There is something atypical about
his face - a slightly sardonic set of mouth, a bold
eye, a prominent set of jaw. Not exactly what old
Jacob Ammann had in mind, maybe, but a well set-up man
nonetheless, and at ease among men.
He's among a group of men including old STOLTZFUS, the
local healer, FISHER, BEILER and Beiler's stout young
son, TOM.
STOLTZFUS
,... Lapp was a good farmer.
better.
None

BEILER
But not the man to buy a horse for
you.
(and)
Hochstetler, wasn't it your father
sold him that horse with a ruptured
testicle?
TOM
(gr ins)
Told him it was a bee sting made
him limp that way.
HOCHSTETLER
(amused)
That horse had one good ball.
That'& all it takes.
The others chuckle. But Hochstetler'• attention is
still on Rachel.

RACHEL
,... as Hochstetler looms on the horizon, plants himself
like a tree in front of her.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/64 s.
11 (CONTINUED) 11
At ease as he was with the men, he's a bit awkward at
this.
All the women, very much aware of Hochstetler'&
availability, tune in as Rachel looks up.
HOCHSTETLER
I was sorry to hear about Jacob.
Let us hope he walks close with
God.
RACHEL
I'm sure he does, Daniel.
12 FIELDS, LAPP FARM - DAY 12
It is some time after the funeral and the Lapp family
is hard at work breaking ground for the spring plough-
ing. The death of Jacob has increased the work load on
all three -- Samuel maneuvers a four-mule team while
Rachel and old Eli work nearby, further breaking up the
earth.
Rachel looks up from the back-breaking labor as several
figures approach -- it's Daniel Hochstetler and two of
his brothers. Without a word they fall in beside Eli
and Rachel and take up various tasks associated with
the work in hand. Daniel works close beside Rachel.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Daniel Hochstetler, a charming Amish man, offers his condolences to Rachel Lapp at the post-funeral meal at the Lapp farmhouse. They discuss the deceased, Jacob Lapp, and his horse-buying habits. Hochstetler's attempts to connect with Rachel are met with a mix of awkwardness and awareness from the gathered women. The scene ends with Hochstetler joining Rachel and her family in preparing for spring ploughing.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Balanced tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances the somber tone of a funeral gathering with moments of light-heartedness, showcasing the complexity of human emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dynamics of an Amish community during a post-funeral gathering is well-executed, providing insight into their traditions and interpersonal relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the aftermath of a funeral and the interactions between characters, setting the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on Amish culture and traditions, with authentic dialogue and character interactions that feel genuine.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Daniel Hochstetler standing out as a charismatic and slightly atypical figure in the community. Rachel's interactions with him hint at potential romantic tension.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character dynamics and potential changes, particularly in Rachel and Daniel's interactions, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Rachel, seems to be processing her grief and accepting condolences from the women around her. Her internal goal in this scene may be to find comfort and support in the midst of loss.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene could be to navigate social interactions and relationships within the community after the funeral.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there are hints of potential conflicts, the scene primarily focuses on establishing the setting and character dynamics rather than intense conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with subtle conflicts and tensions that add depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, establishing relationships, and hinting at potential conflicts and developments to come.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and plot progression, but the subtle humor adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between traditional Amish values and the atypical appearance and behavior of Daniel Hochstetler. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about conformity and acceptance within the community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness over the loss of Jacob to amusement at the humorous conversation about the horse, creating a nuanced emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the Amish community's dialect and customs. It effectively conveys both the somber mood and the light-hearted banter among the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to the rich character dynamics, emotional depth, and subtle humor that keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and character development while maintaining a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, especially considering it follows a funeral. There is a disconnect between the somber tone of the previous scene and the light-hearted banter in this one.
  • The introduction of Daniel Hochstetler feels forced and his interactions with Rachel lack authenticity. The transition from expressing condolences to joining in the work feels abrupt and unnatural.
  • The dialogue between the men discussing Jacob Lapp's horse-buying habits comes across as trivial and does not add much to the overall story or character development.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, making it feel disjointed and out of place in the context of the script.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the grief and emotions of the characters in a more meaningful way, given the recent loss of Jacob Lapp.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus more on the emotional aftermath of the funeral and the impact of Jacob Lapp's death on the characters.
  • Develop Daniel Hochstetler's character more organically and integrate his interactions with Rachel in a way that feels genuine and meaningful.
  • Explore deeper themes or conflicts within the scene to add depth and resonance to the story.
  • Ensure that the tone and pacing of the scene align with the overall narrative arc of the script.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle and nuanced interactions between the characters to convey the complexity of their emotions and relationships.



Scene 3 -  A Journey Through Time
12A EXT. COUNTRY ROADS, LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 12A
A few BRIEF SHOTS of a lone buggy containing the Lapp
family take us from the 18th century into the 20th from
the reassuring RATTLE OF THE CARRIAGE WHEELS on a quiet
backroad, to the ROAR OF TRAFFIC as the buggy waits
patiently for a chance to cross a busy interstate
highway.
12B EXT. HIGHWAY, LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 12B
A huge tractor trailor rig hovers over the frail
buggy as it trots down the interstate. The camera
cranes up to reveal a procession of vehicles behind
the truck waiting for a chance to overtake it.




0


,...
!
SA.

13 OMITTED 13
14 EXT. PLATFORM, LANCASTER STATION - DAY 14
Daniel Hochstetler moves through the crowd on the
platform, Rachel turns surprised, as he approaches,
a faint color coming to her cheek.
RACHEL
Daniel?
(CONTINUED)





-
,-...
Do

14 (CONTINUED) 14
,... I HOCHSTETLER
I ••• I was at the feed store.
And I saw your horse, so .••
There is an embarrassment between them broken by the
arrival of the train.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
You will come back soon?
Samuel can barely contain his excitement as he drags at
his mother's hand.
SAMUEL
Quickly, 1'fother I Quickly I
Rachel e~braces Eli.
ELI
You be careful out among them
English.
She turns to Hochstetler.
RACHEL
I need time, Daniel.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary As the Hochstetler family transitions from the 18th to the 20th century, their horse-drawn buggy travels a busy interstate highway, symbolizing the changing times. Daniel Hochstetler meets Rachel at the train station, expressing interest, but Rachel hesitates. Eli cautions Rachel about the English, and the family boards the train, leaving Hochstetler behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Subtle romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a subtle romantic tension between Daniel and Rachel. The contrast between the traditional Amish lifestyle and the modern world adds layers to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, longing, and the clash of tradition and modernity is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as we see the characters navigating their emotions and the challenges of their community.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the clash between tradition and progress, with authentic characters and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced emotions and interactions that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Daniel and Rachel experience subtle changes in their emotions and desires throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to find a balance between her Amish roots and the outside world. She desires freedom and independence while also feeling a sense of duty and loyalty to her family and community.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to navigate the challenges of living in a changing world while staying true to her beliefs and values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between the characters' inner desires and the expectations of their community.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 5

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connections between the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' emotional journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between tradition and progress, as represented by Rachel's struggle to reconcile her Amish upbringing with the modern world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the interactions between Daniel and Rachel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, thematic complexity, and the relatable struggles faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre and effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the internal and external conflicts faced by the characters.


Critique
  • The transition from the 18th century to the 20th century is a significant shift in time, but it feels a bit abrupt in the scene. Consider adding a smoother transition or a visual cue to indicate the change in time more effectively.
  • The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional impact. It would benefit from more interactions between the characters to build relationships and create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Daniel Hochstetler feels a bit forced and lacks depth. Consider adding more subtext or emotional layers to their conversation to make it more engaging and realistic.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere. Adding details about the surroundings and the characters' actions can help paint a clearer picture for the audience.
  • The tension between Rachel, Samuel, and Eli about leaving for the city could be explored further to add more conflict and drama to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief montage or visual transition to smoothly depict the shift from the 18th century to the 20th century.
  • Develop the interactions between Rachel, Daniel Hochstetler, and the other characters to create more depth and emotional resonance.
  • Enhance the dialogue by adding subtext and emotional layers to make the conversation more engaging and realistic.
  • Include more visual descriptions to enrich the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Explore the tension between the characters about leaving for the city to add more conflict and drama.



Scene 4 -  A Nostalgic Farewell
14A EXT. CARPARK, LANCASTER STATION - DAY 14A

Daniel Hochstetler leaps into the driving seat of his
open wagon and with a flick of the reins and a whoop
sets his horse off at a fast trot.
14B EXT. TRAIN - DAY 148

The ENGINE gives a WARNING BLAST before creeping-slowly
forward.
15 OMITTED 15
16 INT. TRAIN (MOVING) 16
As Samuel spots something out of the window that causes
him to light up.
SAMUEL
Look, Mama ••• I


,...'
7,
17 HIS POV THROUGH WINDOW 17
A road runs parallel to the train track, and Hoeh-
atetler in his wagon urges his borae almost to the
gallop as be attempts to keep pace with the train.

18 BACK TO SCENE 18
as Raebel smiles.

RACHEL
I aee, darling.
And Samuel cranes to look back, waving, for a• long as
be can.

18A EXT. LANCASTER COUNTRYSIDE - DAY 18A
The train moves across a broad panorama of fields,
dotted with dolls"-bouae-aized farms and the tiny
figures of Amish farmers working their borae-drawn
equipment.

( 19 SERIES OF CUTS 19
as the train continues its eastward journey ••• Samuel
""' stares raptly out of the window at the changing pat-
terns of the countryside. He point• in wonder at a
brightly. colored bot air balloon as it drift• ■ lowly
over timbered hills ••• be looks unsure aa the pattern
of field and· wood gives way to auburbs, buatling ■bop­
ping centers, restaurants, ear lots and fast food
outlets.

20 EXT. PHILADELPHIA SLUMS 20
as the train travels past dilapidated row bouaes,
atreets choked with ears and the gutters with filth.

21 INT. TRAIN (MOVING) 21
Now Samuel is staring out the window with aome eonfu-
aion, almost apprehension:
SAMUEL
Is this where we're going?
RACHEL
I Of course not. We're going to
Balti110re, It'• ■ueb nicer in
Baltimore.
(CONTINUED)
8.
21 CONTINUED: 21
And Rachel draws her son closer, turning her back on
the window.

22 OMITTED 22
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary As the train departs Lancaster, Samuel waves goodbye to Hochstetler's wagon. The train traverses Pennsylvania's rural landscapes before passing Philadelphia's impoverished neighborhoods. Samuel expresses concern about the urban environment, but Rachel assures him of their destination in Baltimore. The train presses onward, leaving Philadelphia and its complexities behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Subtle romantic tension
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high external stakes
  • Some pacing issues in transitions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing dynamics for future development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the clash between tradition and modernity through the characters' journey is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' physical journey and emotional interactions, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of progress and tradition, with authentic character reactions and unique settings that enhance the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, especially the subtle tension between Daniel and Rachel.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, setting up potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Samuel's internal goal in this scene is to understand and navigate the changing world around him. His reactions to the different landscapes reflect his curiosity, wonder, and apprehension.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to reach Baltimore safely, as indicated by Rachel's reassurance to Samuel about their destination.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between tradition and modernity, as well as the internal conflicts of the characters.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, represented by the protagonist's internal struggles and external challenges, adds complexity and depth to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 5

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's reactions to the changing landscapes and the unexpected twists in the journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of progress, tradition, and the impact of societal change on individuals. Samuel's reactions to the changing landscapes reflect his internal struggle to reconcile the old with the new.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from sadness to hope, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, thematic richness, and the protagonist's internal journey that resonates with the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, conveys emotions, and transitions between different settings, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively transitions between different settings and character interactions, maintaining the pacing and narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional impact. More focus on the internal struggles of Rachel and Samuel as they leave their familiar Amish surroundings for the unknown urban landscape could enhance the scene.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Samuel feels a bit generic and could be more nuanced to reflect their emotions and concerns about the journey.
  • The visual descriptions are limited, missing an opportunity to create a vivid picture of the contrasting landscapes and the characters' reactions to them.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the experience of the train journey and the changing scenery.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologues or reflections from Rachel and Samuel to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during the journey.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotional states.
  • Include more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the countryside, suburbs, and slums passing by outside the train window.
  • Explore the use of sensory details such as sounds, smells, and textures to bring the train journey to life and engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • Consider incorporating moments of tension or conflict to add depth and intrigue to the scene, such as Rachel and Samuel encountering challenges or obstacles during their journey.



Scene 5 -  Murder in the Men's Restroom
23 INT. 30 ST. STATION, PHILADELPHIA - DAY 23
Rachel is in a line at one of the counters. The plain
dress of the two Amish -- particularly Samuel's black
coat and hat - are drawing curious stares.

SAMUEL

He's uncomfortably aware of the shy looks and giggles
of a little girl about his own age, standing in line
with her parents at the next counter.
He edges away from his mother •••

ANGLE
as Samuel comes upon a figure garbed in a long black
,,,,... frock coat and flat-crowned hat ••• the man's back is
turned, could, from appearances, be an Amishman.
Samuel stares ••• A beat, the man turns to face Samuel
and we discover that he is a Hasidic Jew.

SAMUEL
as he reacts.

BACK TO TICKET COUNTER
a• Rachel's turn arrives. The TICKET SELLER glances up
and she shows him her ticket.
RACHEL
We have a ticket to Baltimore.
Where is that· train, please?
TICKET SELLER
Delayed three hours. You'll hear
an announcement when it'• time to
bOard.
,,,,... (CONTINUED)
23 CONTINUED: 23
RACHEL
(suddenly confused)
But •.•

TICKET SELLER
Just have a ■eat.
Samuel stares about him at the unfamiliar world of the
English, Rachel sits on a bench, warns him not to
wonder too far.

23A SAMUEL'S ODYSSEY 23A
A SERIES OF COTS as Samuel examines ■ome of the
products of the twentieth century.
Be ■ tares long and hard as a man punches the buttons on
a pay phone.
Be's wide-eyed and a little frightened by an escalator.
Be looks up at the gargantuan war memorial statue of an
angel holding a dead soldier, which hovers over the
bustle of the station.
Rachel takes-his hand and gently leads him away, the
boy all the while looking back over his shoulder at the
face of the angel,

24 INT, STATION - PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 24
It's now much later and the terminal has practically
emptied, We can see the dozing figure ■ of Rachel and
Samuel almost alone amid the benches.

RACBEL/SAMOEL
a ■ the boy rouse ■ himself, says something to his
mother. She nods •••
Be starts to go without his hat, but Rachel collars him
and puts it on his head.

25 ANGLE IN MEN'S ROOM 25
as Samuel enters.
It's a long row of sinks, urinals, and stalls ••• Samuel
stops before one of the urinals -- a long, trough-like
affair with water drizzling down the rear porcelain
panel.
(CONTINUED)
10.
25 CONTINUED: 25
,-... It's set a little high for Samuel, and it is·making
GLUGGING-FLUSHING NOISES that are, at least,
intimidating. Samuel stares for a moment, then turns,
looks toward the stalls, stoops to see which are empty.

HIS POV - TOILETS
Beneath the row of doors we can ■ ee no feet visible.
Samuel is alone in the restroom.

BACK TO SCENE
as Sa111uel proceeds ~long the row of door, finally
selects a ■ tall near the end. He enters.
As he does so, a heavily bearded youth in a dirty
sweatshirt enters.
With some urgency, he removes ■mall notebook from his
pocket and places it behind a paper towel dispenser.
Suddenly he glances up.
Two other men have entered the men's roomi one is a
,-... large BLACK MAN in a three-piece suit under an ex-
pensive, overcoat. Bia PARTNER is a Caucasian in
designer jeans, half boots and a short leather jacket.
They advance on the young man with unmistakable menace.
The young man whirls in terror, his two assailants
lunge for him ••• a savage, wordless struggle ensues in
the close confines of the lavatory.

ANGLE IN SAMUEL I S STALL
as the struggling men bounce off the door of his
stall ••• be can ■ ee their feet under the edge of the
door.

BACK TO FIGHT
as the struggle build ■ to a climax ••• ends with the
young man stiffening with a grunt, his face draining of
i:olor.

0
The two attackers step away, the blade in the black
man's hand bloodstained. His partner stares at what
they've accomplished with a stunned expression:
,-... (CONTINUED)
ll.
25 CONTINUED: (2 l 25
PARTNER
Jesus •••
Tbe young man's band comes away from bis belly covered
with blood. He stares at it, staggers toward the
■ inks. Finally his bloodied hand reaches to smear at
his face in the mirror. Then he collapses to the
floor.
The black man motions for his partner to watch the
door, then quickly reaches up and removes the notebook
from behind the dispenser.

ANGLE IN SAMUEL'S STALL
as he edges open the stall door a crack. Over his
shoulder we can see the black man, his BACK TO us,
riflini the bpdu. But beyond bim, in the mirror on the
far wa l, we catch sight of the black man's face.

SAMU.::.

as he stares out the narrow crack. A beat, then he
closes the stall door.

ANGLE IN STALL
Samuel tries to make the latch work, but it's warped
and won't fa~l closed.

BLACK MA.~
as he checks the notebook before placing it in his
pocket. Bis partner is covering the door, an automatic
in his hand.
The black man makes for the exit, then on second
thought, glances at the row of stalls.

HIS POV - STALLS
All quiet, but •••

BACK TO SCENE
The black man whips out a .357 Magnum revolver, and,
starting at the near end, starts pushing open the stall
doors.
(CONTINUED)
12,
2S CONTINUED: (3) 25
ANGLE IN SAM'S STALLS
•• the blaek man approaches, Samuel working desperately
on the lateh,
At the last minute he finally wedges it in.

BLACK MAN
He elbows Samuel's stall,,,the door won't open.
J

ANGLE IN SAM'S STALL
Fighting baek panie, Samuel has retreated as far as he
ean.

BLACK MAN
as he gives the door a kick. It holds. He swears
under his breath.

ANGLE IN SAM'S STALL
In desperation, Samuel does the only thing he can think
of ••• he slips under the partition into the neighboring
stall the black man just cheeked out. But he loses his
hat in the process. His hand snakes back INTO FRAME to
snatch it just as the black man gives the door a fero-
cious kiek that splinters the loek and nearly takes it
off its hinges. He's framed there, the big muzzle of
the ,3S7 looking down our throats.

ANGLE
as his partner ■ naps from the doorway:
PARTNER
Will you eome on, for Christ's
sake!
A beat, then the black man holsters his weapon, turns
to follow the partner out. ··

BACK TO SAMu'EL
as we hear the SOUND OF THE TWO MEN EXITING the
lavatory.
A long beat, then Samuel opens the stall door a craek.
(CONTINUED)
13.
2S CONTINUED: (4 ) 25
BIS POV THROUGH DOOR
Samuel's own face reflected in the blood-smeared mirror
••• then PANNING DOWN to the still figure of the young
un lying in the crimson pool of his own blood on the
floor.

26 OMITTED 26
thru thru
29 29

30 BENCH WAITING ROOM-- LOW ANGLE - NIGHT 30
Samuel sits close to his mother, his face pale, bis
eyes staring. Rachel bolds his hand tightly in hers as
the torsos of various police and officials pass through
foreground, occasionally obscuring the lonely couple.
There is considerable ECHOING NOISE as commands and
requests mingle with the CRACILE OF TWO-wAY RADIOS,
CUT TO:

DOOR - HENS' ROOM
The diffused shape of faces behind the frosted glass of
the mens' room door, which is pushed open to reveal,
JOHN BOOK, who comes striding through to be momentarily
lost in the crowd of police, reporters and others. Be
is about 40,· with a rangy, athletic body. Behind him
comes CARTER, Book's black partner -- about five years
younger than Book.
CUT TO:

BENCH
Little Samuel watching Book, back to crowd of police,
as Book questions an old black CUSTODIAN.
BOOlt
You found the.body?
CUSTODIAN
Uh uh. Not me, daddy, I just
reported it. It was the kid.
BOOlt
,-.. What kid?
(CONTINUED)
........
30 (CONTINUED) 30
CUSTODIAN
How'n hell do I know what kid?
The kid in the funny black
threads.
TIGHT SHOT - SAMUEL
Worry-eyed, still staring ■ traight ahead. Then his
eyes move suddenly to his left.
BOOK'S LEGS - SAMUEL'S POV
coming in at full stride, then stopping.
SAMUEL
He doesn't raise his eyes ••• just looks at the legs.
And, slowly, the legs begin to bend at the knees. We
■ee Book's belt buckle, then his big pistol in its
holster, then his face. He stares at Samuel for a
moment, then •••
ANGLE - BOOK
as his face breaks into a big grin, and •••
BOOK
Hi, Kid.
RACHEL
immediately alarmed, intervening.
RACHEL
What do you want of my son?
THE SCENE
as Book takes out his wallet, displays his shield.
BOOK
I'm a police officer. I'm going
to have to talk to the boy.
What's hi ■ name?
·llACHEL
Samuel, S11111Uel Lapp.
(MORE)

(CONTINtJED1 ~
REV. 4 / 2 3 / 8 4 15.
30 (CONTINUED) 30
,... RACHEL
(then, quickly)
But what happened here is none of
his affair. We're on our way to
Baltimore . • ; My sister is expect-
ing us . • • our train is leaving
soon.
BOOK
There'll be another train.
(turns to Samuell
The man who was killed tonight
was a policeman, Sam. It's
my job to find out who did it.
I want you to tell - everything
you saw when you went in there.
SAMUEL
(stammers)
I saw him.
BOOK
Who'd you see?
Sam looks at his mother.
BOOK (CONT'D)
Who'd you see, Sam? The man on
the floor?
SAMUEL
No. I saw the man who killed
him.
Book stares at him in surprise, speaks over his shoulder
to Carter.
BOOK
Anybody know about this?
CARTER
! didn't even know about it.
BOOK
(back. to Sam)
Okay, Sam. Can you tell me what
he looked like?
A·beat; Sam crosses quickly to Carter, Book's rather
slightly built partner.

,... ( SAMUEL
(groping, touching his
clothes and pointing at
Carter)
He was • • • like him.
(CONTINUEDY
,, -- ....
' .....
30 (CONTINUED) 30
BOOI<
(nods)
Do you mean black? I under-
stand.
SAMUEL
(pointing again at
Carter)
But not Schtumpig.
Book frowns, puzzled:
BOOI<
Not schtumpig. What's that?
Rachel intervenes with Book. She glances at Carter
who is looking rather uncomfortable.
RACHEL
Schtumpig • • • On the farm, a
pig born small like that is a
Schtumpig • • • a runt.
BOOI<
(looking at Carter)
A runt? So he wasn't a runt he was
a big guy.
,,,...,
SAMUEL
(gesturing)
Big guy.




-- ,
REV. 4/23/84 17.


31 OMITTED 31
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Samuel, a young Amish boy, witnesses a murder in a train station restroom. He hides as the killers search for witnesses, then identifies one of them to the police, but hesitates to name him, fearing for his and his mother's safety.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Introducing a major plot development
  • Creating a sense of danger and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a significant plot development with the murder of a policeman, showcasing the clash of cultures and the innocence of a young Amish boy caught in a dangerous situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a murder investigation unfolding in a train station, involving characters from different backgrounds, is engaging and sets up a compelling mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the murder and the involvement of the main characters in the investigation, adding layers of complexity and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural diversity and technological advancement, blending traditional and modern elements in a unique setting. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and distinctiveness, especially Samuel's innocence contrasted with the seasoned police officer Book, creating an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

Samuel experiences a shift from innocence to witnessing a violent crime, which may impact his character development later in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Samuel's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar and overwhelming world of the train station, showcasing his innocence and vulnerability in a new environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to stay safe and avoid getting involved in a dangerous situation, as seen when he witnesses a violent altercation in the men's room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the mystery of the murder, and the danger in the station create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and conflicting motivations, adding complexity and depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the murder of a policeman, the danger faced by the characters, and the potential consequences of the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point and setting up the investigation that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden escalation of violence and danger, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash of cultures and values, as represented by the presence of Amish, Hasidic Jews, and modern-day characters. This challenges Samuel's understanding of the world and exposes him to different belief systems.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, concern, and curiosity in the reader, especially through Samuel's perspective and the violent encounter in the restroom.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the plot forward, with moments of tension and revelation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, dynamic character interactions, and escalating conflict, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout the escalating conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre, using visual cues and descriptive language to enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful drama.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from a somber funeral setting to a bustling train station, which may be a bit jarring for the audience.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in Samuel's reaction to witnessing a murder and the subsequent events in the men's room. More emphasis on his fear and confusion could enhance the tension of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Hasidic Jew character adds an interesting element but feels disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and the ticket seller could be more impactful to convey her confusion and sense of urgency.
  • The violent altercation in the men's room is intense but may be too graphic for some audiences, consider toning down the violence while still maintaining the suspense.
  • The interaction between Book and Samuel lacks emotional resonance, more emphasis on the gravity of the situation could heighten the drama.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoothing out the transition between the funeral and the train station to maintain the emotional continuity.
  • Enhance Samuel's emotional journey and reactions to the events he witnesses to make the scene more engaging.
  • Integrate the Hasidic Jew character more seamlessly into the narrative to avoid feeling disjointed.
  • Revise the dialogue between Rachel and the ticket seller to increase the sense of urgency and confusion in the scene.
  • Adjust the level of violence in the men's room altercation to maintain suspense without being overly graphic.
  • Deepen the emotional connection between Book and Samuel to heighten the tension and impact of the scene.



Scene 6 -  Power Struggle at the Crime Scene
31A INT. LOBBY-MAIN TERMINAL - NIGHT * 31A
Captain TERRY DONAHUE, Chief of Homicide, strides
past the crowd of journalists and TV crews, ignoring
requests for interv.iews. He's just arrived on the
sc&ne and is issuing instructions to a uniformed officer.
DONAHUE
Close it all down. I want the •
crime lab vehicle in here now, and
I want to talk to you, Captain.
He indicates Book should follow him, and they move,a '
little away from the crowd. Donahue turn• a cold stare 1
on Book.
DONAHUE
What are two undercover cops
doing here minutes after this
guy zenovitch gets his throat
cut ...
BOOK (cutting in)
I want it, Terry.
DONAHUE (continuing)
... Talking to witnesses and
generally acting as if ;twas their
job!
BOOK
I want it.
DONAHUE
That's not what I asked you.
BOOK
I know.
DONAHUE
What's this about, John?
BOOK
I can't tell you that.
DONAHUE
Well, why for christ's sake
should I turn the case over
to you?
BOOK
I've got a lead on a guy, and
I've got an eye-witness.
DONAHUE
He's not your witness, and
, ~
it's not your job.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 18.
31A CONTINUED * 31A
BOOK
So I'll talk to the Deputy
Commissioner. He's on his way.
DONAHUE
It's still not your job.
(pauses)
Look John, why don't you
come back to Homicide where
you belong?
BOOK
Let's just say it's a career
move.
DONAHUE
Stick with Internal Affairs and
you're not gonna have any friends
left.
BOOK
I'll buy a dog.
With that he turns and walks off, past the Crime Lab
truck, which is backing in, and the crowd of journalists
and others, and out into the main lobby.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary At the site of a murder investigation at an airport, a tense confrontation ensues between Homicide Chief Donahue and undercover cop Book. Book demands control of the case, claiming a suspect and eyewitness. Donahue resists, suspecting Book's ambitions. Book threatens to escalate the matter, prompting Donahue to warn of potential negative consequences for Book's career. The scene concludes with Book walking away, asserting his claim on the case.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled confrontation
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Potential lack of clarity in the undercover operation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with strong dialogue and a high level of tension. It effectively sets up a conflict that will likely drive the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation and potential conflict of interest is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of the undercover operation and the conflict between the characters. It sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar police procedural setting but adds a twist with the protagonist's willingness to challenge authority and take risks. The dialogue feels authentic and dynamic, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicting interests. Their interactions drive the tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is a potential for character growth and change as the conflict unfolds, especially in terms of loyalty and conflicting interests.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, John Book, wants to take over the case and pursue leads related to a witness and a suspect. His internal goal reflects his desire to solve the case and prove himself as a capable detective.

External Goal: 9

John Book's external goal is to take over the case and investigate leads related to a witness and a suspect. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in solving the crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is high, with conflicting interests and potential consequences for their actions. It drives the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Captain Donahue challenging John Book's authority and decisions. The audience is left wondering how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with potential consequences for the characters' actions and the undercover operation at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the undercover operation and setting up potential conflicts that will drive the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following protocol and taking initiative. Captain Donahue represents the adherence to hierarchy and rules, while John Book represents the willingness to go beyond established boundaries to solve the case.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of suspense and tension, with the potential consequences of the characters' actions hanging in the balance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and adds to the overall tension of the scene. It effectively conveys the conflicting emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high tension, conflicting goals, and sharp dialogue between characters. The audience is drawn into the power struggle and mystery of the crime.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the gravity of the situation being discussed.
  • The dialogue between Donahue and Book feels somewhat cliched and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interaction between Donahue and Book, which hinders the scene from being impactful.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and layered dialogue to convey the complex dynamics between the characters.
  • The conflict between Donahue and Book could be more clearly defined and developed to create a more compelling narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and depth to the dialogue to enhance the tension and emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore the characters' motivations and internal conflicts to make the interaction more engaging and meaningful.
  • Introduce more layers to the conflict between Donahue and Book to create a more dynamic and compelling exchange.
  • Focus on building the suspense and urgency of the situation to keep the audience invested in the scene.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.



Scene 7 -  Midnight Meeting
32 EXT. 30ST STATION -- NIGHT 32

Book e:nerges from the terminal,· looks about him,
then crosses to a big Mercury Sedan which is parked
nearby. Two men sit in the front seat. Book cresses
to the driver's side and opens the door.
BOOK
Go get a cup of coffee, Stan.
The driver, a uniformed policeman, glances at the
man beside him who nods in agreement. He gets out
and Book gets in behind the wheel.
33 OMITTED 33
34 INT. SEDAN 34
Book sits next to SCHAEFFER, a surprisingly kindly
looking man of about fifty. Schaeffer is a Deputy
Chief.
(CONTINUED) ~-
· - ., • , .., - I ~ "I




34 INT, SEDAN 34
SCHAEFFER
,-...
I -'
How reliable is this kid?
BOOK
Oh, he's good,
SCHAEFFER
Miah.
BOOK
Yeah.
SCHAEFFER
What have you 9ot?
1001(
Zenovitch was about to deliver• •
list of names tonight -- street ~
chemists ..• the guys processing this •
P2P into apeed. ~

SCHAEFFER
So one of them got to him.

Maybe.
,-... SCHAEFFER .
You know who?
BOOK
Maybe.
SCHAEFFER
You're still convinced there's
• link to the department?
BOOK
If there ian't I've just waated .)t

the laat six months. ...
SCHAEFFER .
That'• the problem. We need •.II
reaults. The pr••• is driving -.II
us crazy over thia P2P thing-
calling us the apeed capitol of the
country'. You know the sort of
thing. It's getting political.
The Commissioner'• getting~
uneasy.
,,
,-...
C
(CONTINUED I
19A •
34 CONTINUED • 34
BOOK
The Amish boy~ him, Paul.
I'll make it, but get Donahue
and the Homicide Department off
my back or they'll blow the whole
thing.
SCHAEFFER
When word gets out that Zenovitch
was a cop, all hell will break
lose. You've got 24 hours. That's
all I can give you. 24 hours on your
own. After that the case and the
witness go back to the Homicide Department.
··-· ... , ~-, ......
35 OMITTED 35

36 INT, BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 36
Book drives around 13th Street, a ravaged corridor
between neon-lit restaurants, bars, porno shops and
darkened storefronts. Carter sits beside him, Rachel
and her son in the back seat looking out a~ the
assorted array of desperate characters huddled in
doorways or wandering aimlessly about. On the POLICE
RADIO a description of the cop killing is BROADCAST
EVERY FEW MINUTES.
CARTER
I got there late, John.
BOOK
Let's just find Coalmine.
1beat)
Listen, Zenovitch made a mistake.
You didn't let anybody down. It
happens --
CARTER
(grimly)
It won't happen again.
RACHEL
Where are you taking us?
BOOK
We're looking for a suspect.
We've reason to believe he's still
in the area.
RACHEL
You have no right to keep us here.
BOOK
Yes I do. Your son is a material
--
witness to a homicide.
RACHEL
You don't understand, we have
nothing to do with your laws!
BOOK
Doesn't surprise me. I meet a lot
of people like that.
RACHEL
It's not a joke.
I .
,-... (CONTINOED)
36 CONTINUED: 36
Book decides to try contrition:
BOOI<
You're right. It'• not a joke.
Listen, I know a little about the
Amish. I know this has to be an
ordeal for you, and I'm really
sorry you and Samuel got involved.
Samuel shoots a look at Book, then mutters something
to his mother in German. She responds in the-same
language. Book frowns.
BOOI<.
What was that?
RACHEL
He wants to know who you are.
Your name. I told him we don't
need to know anything about you.
Book eyes Samuel:
8001(
Book. John Book.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Book informs Deputy Chief Schaeffer about a crucial witness who can shed light on Zenovitch's murder and P2P drug production. Schaeffer grants Book 24 hours to produce the witness and crack the case, after which it will be handed over to Homicide. With time running out, Book faces pressure to solve the case and prevent Homicide's involvement.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Transition between different settings could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and suspenseful atmosphere. The introduction of high stakes and emotional impact adds depth to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover investigation involving an Amish family witnessing a murder is unique and engaging. It explores themes of culture clash, justice, and morality.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. The introduction of the murder and the undercover investigation adds intrigue and propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a mix of urban decay, cultural clashes, and moral dilemmas, offering a fresh take on the crime genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and face internal and external conflicts. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience changes or revelations in the scene, particularly in their perceptions of justice, morality, and cultural differences.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve a case involving a cop killing and protect a material witness, while also dealing with personal guilt and responsibility for the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a suspect related to the cop killing and prevent further violence or chaos in the city.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with various conflicts, including the murder investigation, the clash of cultures, and the internal struggles of the characters. These conflicts create tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, moral dilemmas, and external pressures creating obstacles for the protagonist and raising the stakes of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with a murder investigation, the safety of the Amish family, and the reputation of the police department on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point, escalating the conflict, and deepening the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twists that keep the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty and justice conflicting with the political pressures and constraints of the police department.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and anxiety to empathy and concern. The emotional impact adds depth to the characters and the storyline.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, tense interactions, and high stakes, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the investigation and the safety of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a crime thriller, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in the murder investigation and the safety of the witnesses.
  • The dialogue between Book and Schaeffer feels somewhat flat and lacks depth, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact on Rachel and Samuel as they are caught up in a dangerous situation beyond their control.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
  • The interaction between Book, Rachel, and Samuel could be more nuanced and emotionally charged to add depth to their characters and relationships.
Suggestions
  • Intensify the conflict and stakes in the scene to create a sense of urgency and tension.
  • Revise the dialogue between Book and Schaeffer to make it more engaging and reflective of the gravity of the situation.
  • Explore the emotional impact on Rachel and Samuel in more detail to add depth to their characters and increase reader engagement.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive setting and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Develop the interactions between Book, Rachel, and Samuel to add complexity and emotional depth to their relationships.



Scene 8 -  Violent Encounter at Happy Valley Bar
,.... 36A EXT. 13TH STATION - NIGHT .36A
Book's car stops, and from out of the shadows darts a
wizened little MAN. He looks about before crossing to
the driver's side window.

36B INT. BOOI<'S CAR - NIGHT 36B
Book lowers the window.
BOOI<
Sammy, where's Coalmine?
The little man stares at the weird-looking couple in
the back seat.


(CONTINOEI))



0
l\J:.11r. "'' " " ' o-.

36B CONTINUED: 36B
SAMMY
What you got there, the Salvation
Amy?


Coalmine. ·
SAMMY
Try "Happy Valley".

36C EXT. HAPPY VALLEY BAR, SOUTH STREET - NIGHT 36C
Book's car pulls up outside the bar and he and Carter
get out, and move ~wiftly inside.

36D INT. HAPPY VALLEY - NIGHT 360
Sixty Black faces stare as the police enter. A hush
falls on the group. Book and Carter spot their man at
the bar and move up either side of him.
They've moved carefully to this point • • • no mistakes.
From the back, the black man they've approached certainly
looks like he could be the man who did the killing of
Zenovitch. And, as Book and Carter make their move • • •

36E EXT. HAPPY VA~LEY -- NIGHT 36E
As Book and Carter explode through the door of the bar,
violently propelling Coalmine along with them. Now we
see Coalmine is n2.! the killer.
As Book and Carter escort Coalmine out of the bar. a
police squad car pulls up, its headlights shining into
Book's car.
An alarmed Rachel holds Samuel close as Book forces
Coalmine's face down next to the car window.
BOOK
Put some light on him.
A cop pulls out a flashlight, begins to play the beam
over Coalmine's face.
(CONTINUED)
36E CONTINUED: 36E
,-...' BOOK
(continuing; to Samuel)
Look at him.
Crazy as Rasputin on speed and booze, Coalmine glares
at Samu~l inside the car:
Samuel, white-faced, finally shakes his head in the
negative.
Coalmine trys to twist free of Book'• grip. Book
snaps, and slams Coalmine's skull into the window edge,
finally crushing his face up againat the front win-
dow. His face takes on a grotesque shape against the
glass. Carter restrains hia partner and Book cools
down. Coalmine is led stumbling away by the uniformed
police. This sudden show of violence has horrified and
angered Rachel, and she glares at Book as he gets back
in the car.
RACHEL
John Book, you listen to me! I
will have no further part in this,
nor will my son! As God stands
, between us!
Book sighs, starts the engine and moves off.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Book and his team apprehend a suspect at the Happy Valley Bar, but he is not the killer. Book's brutal treatment of the suspect horrifies Rachel, who threatens to withdraw from the case. Book drives away, leaving Rachel behind.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Stereotypical portrayal of crime settings

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of tension, emotion, and action. The stakes are high, and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover investigation taking a dark turn in an unexpected setting is intriguing and well-developed. The clash of cultures and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters add depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is gripping and moves at a fast pace, with twists and turns that keep the audience on edge. The murder investigation and the conflict between the characters drive the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime thriller genre, blending elements of suspense, action, and moral dilemmas in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The emotional impact of the scene is largely driven by the characters' reactions and interactions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations throughout the scene. The witness's hesitation to identify the killer and the mother's defiance towards the investigator show internal conflicts and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his son and maintain his moral integrity in the face of violence and corruption. He wants to ensure his son's safety and shield him from the harsh realities of the world he is navigating.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the killer of Zenovitch and bring him to justice. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the investigation and the dangerous world he is operating in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving moral, emotional, and physical confrontations. The high stakes and the characters' conflicting motivations create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from both external forces (the killer) and internal conflicts (his moral compass). The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with a murder investigation, a witness's dilemma, and a mother's protective instincts at play. The characters' lives and moral values are on the line, adding tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the main plot by revealing crucial information about the murder investigation and the characters' relationships. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and unexpected twists in the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to uphold justice and protect his son, and the violent methods he must sometimes resort to in order to achieve his goals. This challenges his beliefs and values, forcing him to make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the mother's protective instincts and the witness's dilemma. The violence and suspense add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the tension and conflict in the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and moral dilemmas. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the conflict, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller, with a buildup of tension, a dramatic confrontation, and a resolution that advances the plot. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness and impact.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from a wizened little man approaching Book's car to the interior of the Happy Valley Bar, which may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Book and Sammy lacks context and clarity, making it difficult to understand the significance of their interaction.
  • The sudden introduction of Coalmine as the killer without prior buildup or explanation may feel rushed and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The violent confrontation between Book and Coalmine, including the graphic description of slamming his face into the car window, may be too intense and shocking for some viewers.
  • Rachel's strong reaction to Book's violent behavior adds depth to her character but could be further explored to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the initial interaction with the wizened little man and the entrance to the Happy Valley Bar to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Provide more context for the dialogue between Book and Sammy to clarify the purpose of their conversation and the significance of Coalmine's identity.
  • Build up the reveal of Coalmine as the killer to create a more suspenseful and engaging moment for the audience.
  • Tone down the graphic violence in the confrontation with Coalmine to ensure it is appropriate for the tone and style of the screenplay.
  • Further develop Rachel's reaction to Book's actions to deepen the emotional impact and explore the dynamics between the characters.



Scene 9 -  Unexpected Arrival
36F EXT. HOTEL - PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT 36F
Book pulls up outside a hotel entrance as a uniformed
DOORMA.~ moves to open the rear door.

36G INT. CAR - NIGHT 36G
Rachel and Sam recoil as the Doorman opens the door.
He is puzzled by the sight of the reluctant guests.
DOORMAN
Ma'am?
RACHEL
Nol we do not stay in hotels.
Book and Carter exchange a glance.



,-...
REV. 4/23/84 24.

37 OMITTED 37
,... thru
42
thru
42

43 EXT./INT. FRONT DOOR, SUBURBAN HOOSE - PHILADELPHIA - ,,
NIGHT
An attractive woman in her early thirties in robe and
slippers stares in disbelief as Rachel and Sam file into
the house. This is ELAINE, BoOk's sister. She
stops Book as he tries to follow Rachel inside.

ELAINE
How could you do this to me
tonight?_ I told you I had
company!·
BOOK
Sorry. It's important.



,
I ,
BACK TO RACHEL
as she glances in a doorway.

HER POV - ELAINE'S KITCHEN
It's a sha~bles, with dirty supper dishes piled in the
sink, the table littered with empty beer cans.

BACK TO RACHEL
as she hustles Samuel along.

BOOK/ELAINE
Book frowns:
25.
4:3 CONTINUED: 43
BOOK
Where's Tilllllly and Buck?
ELAINE
Upstairs, asleep. Where'd you
think?
BOOK
You've got a man here and the kids
are upstairs?
ELAINE
That's n?ne of your goddamn
business .1 So keep your goddamn
holier-than-thou mouth shut!
(and)
Anyway, they like Fred.
BOOK
Oh sure, Fred.
Elaine looks like she's going to blow again, then.
decides it's pointless.
ELAINE
Who are these orphans, anyway?
BOOK
They' re Amish.

44 ANGLE IN GUEST ROOM 44
Samuel is asleep in one twin bed in a tiny, cluttered
room. Rachel, in a plain nightgown, is preparing· to
clilllb into the other one.
o.s. we hear a DOOR CLOSE, presumably Book leaving. A
beat, then Elaine opens the door and looks in.
ELAINE
Everything okay?
. RACEEL
Yes, thank you very much.
ELAINE
(a beat)
John said you're Amish.
RACHEL
Yes.
( CON'l'INtJED)
26.
44 CONTIN~D: 44
ELAINE
(blankly)

She nods and goes.
Rachel crosses to Samuel, sits on the bed. Samuel
looks up at her bleakly.
SAMtlEL
I don't want to stay here.
RACHEL
They are English. They don't
understana.
SAMtlEL
But do we have to stay here?
RACHEL
No, we do not. Just for the
night. Sleep now, liebchien.
She puts her hand on his forehead, closes his eyes. She
frowns, and •••

44A EX':'. DRIVE-IN FAST-FOOD JOINT - PHII.Al)ELPBIA - DAWN 44A
Carter exits the cafe carrying burgers, donuts and a
couple of beers. Book wakes from a brief nap as Carter
gets into the car.

448 Book chews into his burger while Carter takes a dough- 44B
nut. Its clear they've worked through the night.-
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary At Elaine's house, she confronts Book for bringing Rachel and Samuel without notice. Samuel expresses reluctance to stay, while Rachel prays over him. Book and Carter purchase breakfast at a drive-in.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Slightly abrupt transitions between scenes
  • Some dialogue may be overly confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, crime, and mystery elements, creating tension and emotional depth. The clash of cultures and the unexpected turn of events keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an Amish family getting involved in a murder investigation in a modern urban setting is unique and intriguing. It adds layers of complexity to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces a murder mystery and explores the cultural differences between the characters. It moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural differences and family dynamics, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene and reveal underlying tensions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes, especially in their perceptions of each other and their surroundings. These changes set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and comfort her son in a strange and uncomfortable situation. This reflects her deep desire to keep her family safe and maintain their Amish way of life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a safe place to stay for the night. This reflects the immediate challenge of being in a new and unfamiliar environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, driving the tension and drama. The clash of cultures and the murder investigation heighten the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and emotions driving the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with a murder investigation, cultural clashes, and personal conflicts at play. The characters' decisions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected conflicts and emotional outbursts between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between the Amish values of simplicity and tradition and the English values of modernity and individualism. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant, with characters facing difficult situations and making tough decisions. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reflects the characters' emotions and conflicts. It adds depth to the scene and enhances character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters and the high stakes of finding a place to stay for the night.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, with clear character motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with the characters' actions and dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking in cohesion.
  • The dialogue between Book and Elaine feels forced and unnatural, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The introduction of Elaine as Book's sister feels random and unnecessary, adding confusion to an already convoluted scene.
  • The transition from the confrontation between Book and Elaine to Rachel and Samuel settling in the guest room is abrupt and lacks smooth continuity.
  • The scene fails to build tension or establish a clear conflict, leaving the audience disengaged and unsure of the scene's significance.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the dialogue and actions of the characters to create a more cohesive and purposeful scene.
  • Consider removing the subplot with Elaine and instead focus on developing the relationship and dynamics between Book, Rachel, and Samuel.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the different interactions and locations within the scene to improve the flow and coherence.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or goal for the characters to work towards in the scene to engage the audience and drive the narrative forward.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.



Scene 10 -  The Morning After
45 EXT. ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY 45
Blaine's house is situated on the corner of a row of
terraces, which stretch into the distance on bOth aides
of the street.

46 INT. ELAINE'S BOUSE 46
as Samuel comes out of the guest rOOID in his night-··
,hirt, turns up the hall and opens the door to the
bathrOOlll.. f
(CONTINUED)
27-

46 CONTINtJED: 46
ANGLE

But it's not the bathroomi it's Elaine's bedroom. She
and FRED are tangled in the sheets, furiously making
love. Elaine ;asps, Fred manages to grunt.
FRED
Wrong door, kid.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Samuel quickly shuts the door. A straight-faced
beat1 then, barely.· Suppressing a giggle, he hurries
on •••


47 ANGLE IN LIVING ROOM 47
as Rachel appears in the living room entry. Samuel is
sitting on the floor with two boys of about his own
age, watching television. They're eating cold cereal
out of a box.

,-.. :RACHEL'S.POV - TV SCREEN
Some artless Saturday morning cartoon.

BACK TO RACHEL

as she frowns, watching her son and the other two
staring hypnotically. Ana •••

48 ANGLE IN LIVING ROOM 48
It's later in the morning now, as Elaine, a bit bleari-
ly, appears in the entryway, stares in groggy disbelief.

BEil PCN - ltIDS

Ber oldest boy and Samuel are busily washing the win-
dows while her youngest is pushing a carpet sweeper.. .
The TV is off.

BACY. TO ELAINE
as she stares.
28.
49 ANGLE IN KITCHEN 49
Rachel is standing in the middle of the now immaculate
kitchen finishing a brisk IDOp of the floor. The coffee
is perking. Elaine appears.
ELAINE
(mutters)
Jesus •••

Rachel turns cheerily.
RACHEL
Good morning •
. ELAINE
(helplessly)
You didn't have to •••
RACHEL
I wanted to. You -re kind to
take us in last night.
(and)
Anyway, I needed something to
do. I was so angry with your
brother! Be's so ••• aganisish
ELAINE
Aganishish? Yeah, that sounds
like John.
She takes a seat at the table, still shaking her head.
RACHEL
Just a minute. I'll pour you some
coffee.
ELAINE
You're not carrying a bullwhip •••
how'd you manage to put my kida to
work?
RACHEL
(smiles)
I made it a contest ••• the one who
does best gets his cereal back
fir at. ·
(and)
Children like to help ••• they only
need to be kept after a little
bit.
Rachel means no harm by this, but Elaine's eyes begin
to storm.
(CONTINUED)
29,
49 CONTINUED: 49
ELAINE
Oh, is that ao?
(and)
No offense, lady, but I'm not ao
sure I like the idea of your
coming in here and tu:ning the
place upside down!
Rachel's smile fades at Elaine'• trembling outburst:
RACHEL
Please, I didn't mean .••
Abruptly Elaine rises and snatches the mop from
Rachel's hands, She mops furiously as she continues:
ELAINE
I know exactly what you meant!
Listen, maybe I'm not a world-
class housefrau, but maybe I don't
have time to polish the goddam
china and •keep after• the kids!
(and)
It's none of your business, but I
don't happen to have~ man around
here full time. So I sell coametics
five days a week in a goddamn
drugstore and sometimes I can even
pay the rent on time! So maybe I'm
not Mary Poppins, but maybe I don't
need to have it jammed down my
th-roat like this - I
She finishes the floor, hurls the mop aside with a
CLATTER:
BLAINE
(continuing)
There! Ia that clean enough for
you? 11
Rachel 1• speechless, Blaine is on the point of burst-
ing into tears. At which point Fred appears at the
entry in bis undershirt, taking in the sparkling
kitchen.
FUD
Jesus, Elaine,,, Somebody die and
leave you a br00111?
C Not a politic observation on Fred'• part.
(CONTINUED)
30.
,,....
I
49 CONTINUED: (2) 49

ELAINE
(blurts)
Go to hell, Fred!
And, bursting into tears, she flees the kitchen. Fred
stares after her.
FRED
What's eating her?
Unperturbed, he crosses to the counter and the coffee
pot, letting his eyes take in Rachel's full figure.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Crime"]

Summary Samuel accidentally interrupts Elaine's morning encounter with Fred, leading to an awkward encounter. Meanwhile, Rachel tidies up Elaine's house, causing tension between the two women. Elaine's reaction and Fred's snide remark add further strain to the situation, culminating in Elaine's emotional outburst.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Cultural contrast
Weaknesses
  • Stereotypical portrayal of single motherhood
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and conflicts, setting up intriguing dynamics and storylines.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing the traditional Amish lifestyle with the chaotic urban environment creates a compelling contrast and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interactions between characters, revealing tensions and complexities within the relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on single motherhood and challenges traditional gender roles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their individual struggles and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and transformation, particularly in their understanding of each other and themselves.

Internal Goal: 8

Elaine's internal goal is to assert her independence and defend her choices as a single mother. She wants to prove that she can handle her responsibilities without judgment or interference.

External Goal: 7

Elaine's external goal is to maintain control over her household and protect her children from outside influences. She wants to show that she can provide for her family and maintain her dignity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, creating tension and driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions driving the conflict between Elaine and Rachel. The audience is unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as characters confront personal and societal challenges, leading to potential consequences and revelations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new conflicts and relationships, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the raw emotions and unexpected outbursts from the characters. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Rachel's well-meaning but intrusive help and Elaine's desire for autonomy and self-sufficiency. It challenges Elaine's beliefs about motherhood and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional depth of the scene, from anger to vulnerability, resonates with the audience and enhances the storytelling.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, relatable family dynamics, and realistic dialogue. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical domestic drama structure, with clear character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional intensity.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel accidentally walking in on Elaine and Fred having sex to Rachel cleaning up the house, which may be jarring for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Elaine escalates quickly and feels a bit forced, lacking a natural flow in the conversation.
  • The emotional outburst from Elaine feels somewhat exaggerated and could be toned down to make it more realistic and relatable.
  • The interaction between Rachel and Elaine could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in their emotions and reactions.
  • The introduction of Fred's character and his comment at the end of the scene feels out of place and unnecessary, detracting from the main conflict between Rachel and Elaine.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoothing out the transition between Samuel's discovery and Rachel's cleaning up to create a more cohesive flow in the scene.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Rachel and Elaine to make it more organic and reflective of their characters' personalities.
  • Tone down Elaine's emotional outburst to make it more realistic and grounded in the context of the scene.
  • Focus on building the tension and conflict between Rachel and Elaine with subtlety and depth, rather than relying on overt displays of emotion.
  • Consider removing Fred's character or his comment at the end to keep the focus on the main conflict between Rachel and Elaine.



Scene 11 -  Emotional Confrontations and Concerns
50 INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM 50
as Rachel comes in with Elaine's coffee, closes the
door behind her, Elaine is lying across the bed,
sobbing.
RACHEL
I brought your coffee,
She takes a seat next to the bed.
RACHEL
(continuing)
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that
way.
After a moment, Elaine starts to pull herself together:
ELAINE
It's okay.
(and)
Look, I shouldn't have blown my
top. It's like ••• somehow •••
I've let everything get away from
me. And you sort of -d• me face
it.
She takes the cup, sips the coffee, Raebel smiles et a
private thought.
.ELAINE
(continuing)
What's so funny?
RACHEL
Fred. The way he looked when you
acre&1Ded at him.
(COlffIH'llED)
REV. 4/23/84 31.
50 CONTINUED1 50
BLAINE
(despairing)
Goa, Fred •••
IIACBEI.
At home you'd never bear a WOlllan
scream at a man that way.
ELAINE
No? Why not?
IIACBEI.
You just wouldn't. It'• not the
Amish way.
(thenl
But I think it would have done me •
·aood if I could have screamed at •
your brother last night.
• ELAINE
Listen, I don't know what'• going
on or how you got mixed up with
him, but don't you let that self-
righteous aonofabitch push you
around, okay?
I
Rachel smiles,
RACHEL
Okay,
CtJ'1' TOI

51 INT, BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) - DAY 51
Book glances irritably at Rachels
BOOlt
Now what'• the prOblem?
IIACDL
The problem ia I don't happen to
think my aon should be •pending
all hi• time with a un who
carries a gun under bi• coat and
goes around whacking people.

•• give• her a look:
I
8001t
Whacking?
,....
I
(CONTINUED)
REV • 4 / 2 3 I B 4 32.
Sl CONTINUED: Sl
,...,l RACHEL
(firmly)
Yes. And I also want to leave this
city.
BOOK
Believe me, I'm trying to get this
over with as fast as I can. But
Samuel will probably have to come
back and testify.
RACHEL
We do not go into your courts.
BOOK
People whO' don't go into our courts
when they're told to sometimes go
directly into our jail.
Rachel glares at him and the ride continues on that
chilly note for a beat.
BOOK (CONT'D)
Look, I'rn genuinely sorry. •
RACHEL
(snaps)
No you're not --
(off his look)
You're glad, because now you've
got a witness.
(and)
I heard the other police talking
last night.
(and)
They don't seem to like you very
much.
BOOK
They kid a lot.
RACHEL
(glances at him)
I would not be too sure.

(CONTINUED)
..

0
(
,-..
JlA


51 CONTINUED: 51
Samuel has been glancing at Bobk1 finally he says
something to his mother in German. Book gives her
an inquiring look.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
He says you look very tired. I
thought the same thing.
Book says nothing.
RACHEL (CONT'D)
But not a good tired.
BOOK
What's a 'good' tired. Tired is
tired.
She doesn't bother to explain; Book settles even deeper
into his funk as Samuel glare• at him with hostility.




,-...




.,. -·
..
33,
SlA IN~. IDENTIFICATION ROOM - POLICE B.Q. - DAY SlA
Samuel sits with Book at a desk, Rachel jJst behind.
They are looking at a police line-up of known black
drug-deal.ers. Samuel shakes his head -- another
negative,
Book winks, slyly reaches into a pocket, produces a
yellow gumball. Be surreptitiously shows it to Samuel,
gives him an inquiring look, It's a peace offering.
Samuel grins, nods imperceptibly,

ANOTHER ANGLE
as Book rolls the gumball down the table to Samuel,
But just as Samuel is about to cover it with his hand,
Rachel reaches over and plucks it off the table. She
shakes her head at Samuel.
BOOK
(to Rachel)
Just wanted to see if you were on
your toes.

52 OMITTED 52

52B EXT, CITY PARK - DAY 52B

Book, Sam and Rachel sit on a park bench eating a lunch
of hot dogs heaped with kraut.
Book watches with amusement as Samuel wolfs down bis
lunch, Rachel eyes him a beat, then:
RACHEL
Your sister said you don't have a
family?
BOOK
No,
·RACHEL
She thinks you should get married
and have children of your own.
Instead of trying to be a father
to hers. Except she thinks you're
afraid of the responsibility,
Book gives her a look:
BOOK
Oh? Anything else?
(CONTINUED)
34.
52B CONTINUED: 52B
RACHEL
Oh yes. She thinks you like
policing because you think you're
right about everything. And
you're the only one who can do
anything. And that when you drink
a lot of beer you say things like
none of the other police would
know a crook from a .•• um ••• bag
of elbows.
Book is staring at her. Rachel nods.
RACHEL
(continuing)
I think that's what she said.
Just then Samuel belches with hugh satisfaction,
drawing looks from Book and a couple of passersby.
Rachel smiles proudly.
RACHEL
(continuing)
Good appetite.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In this scene, Elaine apologizes for her outburst and confides in Rachel about her feelings, while Rachel expresses concerns about Book's involvement with her son and the legal system.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of abrupt transitions
  • Potential for confusion with multiple subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and multi-dimensional, with strong emotional impact and intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a crime investigation with Amish culture and family dynamics is unique and compelling.

Plot: 7

The plot is intricate and moves at a good pace, introducing conflict and mystery effectively.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces fresh conflicts and character dynamics, blending traditional elements with modern themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward with depth and authenticity.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle shifts in character dynamics, especially between Rachel and Book, adding depth to their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Elaine's internal goal is to come to terms with her emotions and regain control over her life. She expresses regret for her outburst and acknowledges the need to confront her issues.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a complex situation involving family dynamics, legal issues, and personal relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple layers of conflict present, both internal and external, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high, with the investigation into a murder and the clash of cultures adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new clues, conflicts, and character developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and emotional revelations, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between traditional values and modern societal norms, as seen in the discussion about the 'Amish way' and the protagonist's actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly grief, anger, and hope.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character motivations and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character conflicts, and subtle humor, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between emotional moments and tense interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping from Elaine's emotional breakdown to Rachel and Book's conversation in the car to Samuel's interaction with Book in the police identification room to a casual lunch in the park.
  • The transition between the different interactions feels disjointed and abrupt, making it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Book in the car lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to establish a strong connection or tension between the characters.
  • The introduction of Samuel's perspective and his interaction with Book in the police identification room feels disconnected from the rest of the scene, lacking a clear purpose or impact on the overall narrative.
  • The lunch scene in the park, while attempting to add a light-hearted moment, feels out of place and does not contribute significantly to the development of the characters or the plot.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one central conflict or theme in the scene to provide a clear direction and purpose for the interactions between the characters.
  • Improve the transitions between different interactions by creating a smoother flow that connects the scenes cohesively.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Rachel and Book in the car to deepen their relationship and add emotional depth to their interaction.
  • Ensure that each interaction and conversation in the scene serves a specific purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Consider trimming down unnecessary scenes or moments, such as the lunch in the park, to maintain a tighter and more focused narrative.



Scene 12 -  Narcotics Division Request
S2C INT. OUTER OFFICE/WAITING ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION - 52C
DAY
Rachel sits uneasily in the outer office, one or two
police clerks eying her curiously. A sign on the desk
reads •Narcotics Division.•
Rachel cranes forward trying to peer through a par-
tially open door.

520 INT. DETECTIVES ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION, P0I.ICE B.Q. 52D
- DAY
A group of Narcotics Detectives are interrupted in mid-
conversation by the opening of the main office door.
They stare in considerable surprise.
CUT TO: ,,


John Book standin~ in the doorway, holding little
Samuel by the hand.
BOOK
Afternoon, gentlemen. I'd like
you to meet Samuel Lapp. We'd
like a little assistance.
35,
52E .INT. SMALL OFFICE, NARCOTICS DIVISION - llAY 52E
A Narcotics Detective enters the room laden with sev-
eral volumes of mug shots. Be puts them on the desk
beside a similar book which Samuel is intently study-
ing. Sam sits on tne chair cushions in a big swivel
rocker.
The Detective, Sgt. KAMAN, eyes Book a little auspi-
ciously -- internal affairs officers are not greeted
warmly by the working policemen in any department,
KAHAN
There's a Sgt. Carter on the phone
for you.
Book gets up and moves to the door.
KAHAN
(continuing)
And, Captain, don't want to rush
you, but I'm gonna need these
files back in a half hour. We got
a lot of work to do round here.
The two men leave. Samuel looks about before hopping
( off his perch and following the direction taken by
,,,,... Book,
53 OMITTED 53
thru thru
56 56
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary John Book and Samuel Lapp enter the Narcotics Division and request assistance from the Detectives. Book asks Sgt. Kaman for access to mug shot files and is told to return them in half an hour. Rachel, waiting in the outer office, observes the interaction from afar.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for cliched dialogue
  • Lack of diversity in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, setting up a compelling storyline within the Narcotics Division. The introduction of Samuel adds depth and complexity to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of going undercover in the Narcotics Division is intriguing and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up a mystery surrounding the involvement of Rachel and Samuel in the Narcotics Division.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the police procedural genre by focusing on a civilian seeking assistance from law enforcement, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Rachel and Samuel, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Rachel undergoes a significant change as she steps out of her comfort zone to protect her son, showing her strength and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar and potentially dangerous environment of the police station while seeking assistance for her and Samuel.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to seek assistance from the Narcotics Division for an unknown reason, possibly related to the plot's conflict or challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, as Rachel navigates the challenges of being in the Narcotics Division.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from both the suspicious detectives and the time constraints set by Sgt. Kaman.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Rachel puts herself in a dangerous situation to protect her son, risking her own safety in the process.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plotline involving Rachel and Samuel in the Narcotics Division, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between the characters and the unknown reasons for seeking assistance from the Narcotics Division.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the tension between law enforcement and civilians, as well as the internal affairs officers' distrust from working policemen.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in the interactions between Rachel and Samuel, as well as Rachel's internal struggle.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and emotional, reflecting the inner turmoil of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and the mystery surrounding the protagonist's motives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome of the protagonist's actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with clear transitions between locations and interactions between characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and development, as it is quite short and doesn't provide much context or emotional impact.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore Rachel's feelings and thoughts while she waits in the outer office, which could add depth to her character.
  • The introduction of Samuel and the request for assistance from the Narcotics Detectives feels abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and tension.
  • The interaction between Book, Samuel, and Sgt. Kaman lacks depth and complexity, missing an opportunity to delve into the dynamics between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene to include more interactions and dialogue between the characters to add depth and complexity.
  • Explore Rachel's internal thoughts and emotions while she waits in the outer office to provide insight into her character.
  • Build up the tension and stakes in the interaction between Book, Samuel, and Sgt. Kaman to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Add visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
  • Consider incorporating subplots or additional layers of conflict to enrich the scene and keep the audience invested.



Scene 13 -  Confrontation and Comfort
57 INT. DETECTIVES ROOM, NARCOTICS DIVISION - OAY 57
Through glass partitions we can see Book on the tele-
phone in a cubicle of an office,
Samuel has drifted out of the office and is idling amid
the bustle of the 1quadroom.
Be cro11e1 to a glass case which holds a collection of
plaques and framed newspaper accounts which denote
instances of outstanding duty and achievement.

ANGLE THOUGH GLASS CASE
a1 Samuel moves along, only half interested in what his
eyes are taking in, not really old enough to comprehend
anyway.

,-.. Until suddenly he freezes.
(CONTINUED)
36,
57 CONTINUED: 57
SAMUEL'S POV -- NEWSPAPER ACCOUNT
Enlarged, prominently displayed. The headline reads:
Division Chief McElrov Honored For Youth Project.
Accompanying the item is a large sidebar mug-shot of
McElroy - clearly the black 111an who murdered the young
cop in the train station men's room.

BACK TO SAMUEL
Be stares, transfixed.
-

A long beat, then Book, lowering himself to one knee
next to Samuel, ENTERS FRAME.
Be's watching Samuel, knowing from the boy's expression
that they've found their man. Samuel slowly raises bis
hand to point at the photograph, Book gently takes the
boy's small hand in his, concealing the accusation from
watchful eyes. Be smiles gently at the boy.

SB I~T. BOOK'S CAR (MOVING) - PHILADELPHIA - DUSK 58
Rachel is curled tight in her CQrner of the front seat
holding Samuel close. Book glances at her:
RACHEL
Why don't you arrest that man?
Are you protecting him because
he's a policeman?
BOOK
(snaps)
Listen, I'm the cop that polices
the police, I'm not in the
business of protecting crooked
cops.
(eases up)
I'll make an arrest when I know
everybody involved,
Rachel shakes her head.
RACHEL
But why would they murder •••
BOOK
Because they knew I was getting
close.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 37.

58 CONTINUED: 58

Another beat, then:
RACHEL
I'm afraid. I'm afraid for
Samuel. I want to go home.
BOOK
You'll be safe. You don't have to
worry.

Suddenly Rachel explodes:
RACHEL
Oh yes! Of course! Why shouldn't
we feel safe in a city where the
police are so busy killing each
other!
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary After identifying Division Chief McElroy as the murderer, Samuel is comforted by Book, who conceals the accusation. As they drive away, Rachel expresses fear and demands an arrest. Book reassures her that he will make arrests once he gathers sufficient evidence.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence
  • Complex plot may require close attention from the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, crime, and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner conflicts of the characters, enhancing the overall storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a grieving mother caught in a dangerous urban environment while seeking justice for her son's witness to a murder is compelling and sets up a complex narrative with high stakes and emotional depth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing new conflicts, escalating tension, and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. The revelation of the murderer's identity and the characters' reactions drive the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on internal conflicts within the police force and the pursuit of justice. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Rachel and Book, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their fears, motivations, and internal struggles. Samuel's role as a witness adds a sense of vulnerability and danger to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Rachel experiences a shift in her perception of the city and the justice system, moving from fear and confusion to a determination to protect her son and seek justice. Book also shows a softer side in his interactions with Rachel and Samuel, hinting at a potential change in his approach to his work.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the murder and protect Samuel. This reflects his deeper need for justice and safety for those he cares about.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to make an arrest when he knows everybody involved in the case. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the murder and bringing the culprit to justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional, moral, and physical stakes at play. The characters are faced with difficult choices, internal struggles, and external threats, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the investigation, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing threats to their safety, moral dilemmas, and the pursuit of justice in a dangerous environment. The outcome of the murder investigation and the characters' actions have far-reaching consequences, increasing the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the murder case, deepening the character relationships, and raising the stakes for the protagonists. It sets up new conflicts and challenges that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation, the moral conflicts, and the characters' shifting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between upholding justice and facing corruption within the police force. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the system and his role as a detective.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, anger, and empathy. The characters' struggles and the high stakes of the situation create a powerful emotional impact that resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts. It drives the scene forward, creates tension, and adds depth to the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a focus on investigation, character interactions, and tension building.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Book feels forced and lacks depth, especially in addressing Rachel's fear and concerns for her son.
  • The emotional impact of Rachel's outburst is not fully explored, leaving the scene feeling incomplete.
  • The tension between Rachel and Book could be heightened to create a more engaging conflict.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and emotions of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to establish continuity.
  • Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Book to delve deeper into Rachel's fears and concerns, adding emotional depth to the scene.
  • Explore the aftermath of Rachel's outburst to fully capture the emotional impact and create a more compelling conflict.
  • Heighten the tension between Rachel and Book to increase the stakes and engage the audience.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and impactful scene.



Scene 14 -  An Explosive Revelation
59 EXT./INT. SCHAEFFER HOME, PHILADELPHIA SUBURBS - 59
NIGHT
The front door of Schaeffer's upper-middle class home
,-...I is opened by his wife MARILYN •. She knows Book and is
surprised and delighted to see him. In the background
a teenage daughter KATHY is visible. Schaeffer himself
appears and Book is welcomed inside.

INT. SCHAEFFER'S STUDY - NIGHT
Schaeffer passes Book a drink.
(CONTINUED)




--





0


,-...
REV. -1/23/8~ 38.

S9 CONTINUEO S9
,,,.!.. Book is excited, animated ••• this is the case that
will make ·his career.
BOOK
It was McElroy, Paul.
Schaeffer gives him a sharp look.
BOOK (CONT'D)
He's one of them anyway. •
SCHAEFFER *
McElroy? Sergerant in Narotics?
, BOOK •
Positive t.D. from the kid.
SCHAEFFER •
I hope you don't have any
doubts about that.
BOOK •
It fits, Paul • • • Five hundred
gallons of P•two-P confiscated
four years ago • • • Guess who
was in on the collar? McElroy.
(excited, exp'lain-
ing the thing eagerly)
He salted it away somewhere • • • he
knew the stuff was potent, but
the street chemists didn't know
how to process it. Now they do.
(and)
And the stuff is now worth five-
grand a pint • • • Figure it out •••
SCHAEFFER •
Where's McElroy now?

BOOK (smiles) •
Florida, vacation.
SCHAEFFER •
Okay, what are you going to
nee~ to clean it up.



,-...
(CONTINUED)
REV. 6/12/84 39.
.. • I .·

59 CON'l'ImJED .- . '., '••,: ''.59
:SOCK *
Mo:e people • . • people from
curside thP. De:artment .•. :ut some-
one on Mc:Elrc~•:•• watch and- wait.
SCHAEFFER *
Right. Maybe the Bureau, or those
bastards at Treas~ry. I'll take care
of that. I want maximum security on
this. Where's the boy?

. , l BOOK *
~y sisters p a:e.

SCHAEFFER *
We'll have to move him. Who
else knows:>
BOOK *
Just us.
. ..
SCHAEFFE~ *
Let's keep it that way. ~ow,
wta~•s yo~: !i:st ~ove:
ECO:< .
(ex:els a breath)
A hot ~hewer ... ! have~•t changed
clo~hes in twc days.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Book arrives at the Schaeffer's home and reveals to Schaeffer that Sergeant McElroy is involved in the theft of 500 gallons of P2P. Book requests more resources to clean up the situation. Schaeffer agrees and insists on keeping the information confidential. The scene ends with Book suggesting a hot shower and change of clothes.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot development
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive exposition
  • Limited focus on emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and intense, with a strong focus on the investigation and the characters' motivations. It moves the story forward significantly and sets up important developments for the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a murder suspect and the intricate details of police work are well-executed in this scene. It adds depth to the overall storyline and keeps the audience invested in the investigation.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the investigation and the pursuit of justice. The scene advances the main storyline by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the intricacies of drug processing and law enforcement tactics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Book and Schaeffer, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. The scene showcases their dedication to solving the case and the tensions within the police department.

Character Changes: 6

Book experiences a shift in his focus and determination as he identifies the suspect, leading to a change in his approach to the case. This sets up potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve a high-stakes case that will make his career. This reflects his desire for professional success and recognition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to clean up a drug-related situation and ensure maximum security. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his line of work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal (Book's desire to solve the case) and external (the pressure from Schaeffer and the need for justice). The conflicting motivations and goals drive the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and hidden agendas among the characters. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters work to solve a murder case and uncover the truth. There is pressure to succeed, both for personal reasons and for the pursuit of justice.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future events. It propels the investigation and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the case and the characters' decisions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of law enforcement tactics and the pursuit of justice. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the need for secrecy and security in handling the case.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, suspense, and determination. The audience is invested in the outcome of the investigation and the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the urgency and seriousness of the situation. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the investigation forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' interactions and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize. The scene directions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a crime genre screenplay, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes involved in the case being discussed.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository and could benefit from more natural and dynamic interactions between the characters.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact of the revelations about McElroy and the implications for the characters involved.
  • The scene could be more visually engaging by incorporating more descriptive elements to enhance the setting and character interactions.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a more gripping and suspenseful atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more conflict and emotional depth to the interactions between Book and Schaeffer to heighten the tension in the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more realistic and engaging, with a focus on character dynamics and motivations.
  • Explore ways to visually enhance the scene by incorporating details that help to set the mood and atmosphere effectively.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build up the suspense and urgency surrounding the case and the characters' motivations.
  • Focus on creating a more dynamic and engaging exchange between Book and Schaeffer to elevate the impact of the revelations about McElroy and the case.



Scene 15 -  Deadly Ambush in the Underground
EXT. PH::.ADE:.?HIA S':'REE':S * A60
Book's car passes by o~ the way home.
60 !N':'. L"!:DERGRCL"ND GARAGE - PH!LADELPHIA - NIGHT 60
As Book wheels in, parks in the f.g.
INT. CAR
As Book picks up a folder from the seat next to him,
opens it. Revealed is a photo of McFee and a
personnel file.
He frowns, closes the folder, then opens the door and
starts to get out.
As Bo~k crosses through the car-park he hears th4 soft
CLICK OF A CLOSING CAR DOOR &omewhere behind hi.Ill. He
is awa-:e of the ECHO OF ~ICTHER SET OF SHOES on the
cement floor, steps just out of synch with his own.
,... LOW ANGLE
A fig~re some dozen yards behind him1 in the hand of
the figure, carried almost casually, a revolver with a
silencer attached.
(CONTINUED)
60

ANGLE
On Bcoit as he turns, se,•i- McElroy strolling towarc
,,,.... hi11, HcEl-roy is smilin•• • almost friendly. The 111oment
is elongated, dream•lik,•, Book hears Schaeffer'• voice
in some inner recess of his brain•-
$CHAEFFER (V. 0. l
Who else ltnowi,:'
DOOJt (V .o. l
Just us.
And, McElroy is raising his weapon, The mood is broken
as Book yells, swears, }caps to one aide, the DULL THUD
of McElroy'1 PISTOL. Bc>0k rolls, draws his ,38 FIRES
BACJ(, the SOUND OF THE !-IIOT ECHOING around the car-
park.
(CONTINUED)




,,,.._




C


(
Rev. 6/12/S.L
I • ...
40.
50 60
Mc:Elroy SP~:.-s SSO'!'S i:, :Seek' s di:ectien. At t."lis mo-
ment the lift- deer opens to reveal a mid~le-a;ed
couple, ■hccked to reali:e thev've arrived in the mid-
dle of a gun battle, The WCD&n ■cream■, a• look wbo ia
quite near the lift, FUES again, HcSl:i:oy ia ruMin9 ·
back toward bis car. Bock shouts for tbe couple to 90
back i:p, as Mc!l:cy, T~S S ~ G , accelerate• up
t."le exit ra::ip.
The lift diaappea:s with t."le white-faced couple almc ■ t
at tbe ■am• mo::ient as Mc!lroy - leaving look in tbe
suddenly silent car park.,
Be leans heavily en t."le bocd of a car and open■ his
jacket. Be's been hit in the side and bis shirt is
soaked with blood, Painfully he scoops up his file ■
fro= tbe floor, ar.d makes hi• way toward bis own
•ebicle.
c:J'l' '1'0:


6l
' t:
62
61

'
62

63
as he's awakened l::y t."le aING~G bedside T!l.ZPl!ONE. Be
■:laps en a lar.:p, ::iana~•• to fccu ■ on the bedside clcck
and the at:ocious hcu:.
Cll~R
Gcod fuckin; mor:iin9.

64 :mT!Jlci:n aoox ·
Be's an at n.d. pay phone. Rachel and Samuel sit in*
Elaine's car in the a.a.
100K
Liaten carefully, I wrote tbe
Allliah woman'• name and address on
my de ■ k calendar. I want you to
loae it for••• Nov. Tonight.
CAl\'1'Zll i·
(confuaed)
What the hell are you talking
about?_ What's happening?
,-.. (C0lftIHU!:D l
,1.
64 CONTINUED: 64
BOOK
Nothing. I'm not going to be
around for awhile. I'll call you
when I can.
CARTER
(alarmed)
Johnny, what the fuck - 1
BOOK
Just take care of the name for me,
and watch your back. My old
friend and mentor, Paul Schaeffer,
is dirty, stinking fucking dirty.

65 OMITTED 65
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Book arrives home from work and notices a car following him. As he walks to his apartment, he hears footsteps behind him and the sound of a car door closing. Turning around, he sees a figure with a gun raised. The figure fires, but Book rolls out of the way and returns fire, hitting the figure, who is revealed to be McElroy. McElroy escapes, wounded, as the lift opens to reveal a couple who witness the gun battle.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation may be too intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, driving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an undercover detective facing off against a murder suspect in a high-stakes situation is compelling. The scene effectively explores themes of justice and loyalty.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression towards a confrontation between the detective and the suspect. The scene moves the story forward and raises the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar action sequence, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the tension and conflict in the scene. The emotional depth of the characters adds to the overall impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations during the scene, particularly in their interactions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect himself from the threat posed by McElroy. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being harmed.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from McElroy and avoid being shot. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the form of a gun battle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the detective and the murder suspect is intense and drives the scene forward. The high stakes and emotional tension heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and uncertain outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the detective facing a dangerous suspect and the potential for violence. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, revealing new information and escalating the conflict. It sets up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between survival and morality. The protagonist must make split-second decisions to protect himself, which may conflict with his moral values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, with fear, anxiety, and shock evoked in the characters and audience. The emotional depth adds layers to the conflict and themes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions. It effectively conveys the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, wondering how the protagonist will escape from danger.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7.5

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective use of visual cues to enhance the atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it abruptly transitions from Book arriving home to a sudden gun battle with McElroy.
  • The tension and suspense in the scene are not effectively built up, as the confrontation with McElroy feels rushed and lacks proper setup.
  • The dialogue between Book and McElroy is minimal and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • The action sequences are described in a confusing and disjointed manner, making it difficult for the reader to follow the events unfolding.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or consequence, as the outcome of the gun battle with McElroy is left ambiguous.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and buildup to the confrontation with McElroy to create a sense of anticipation and suspense.
  • Develop the dialogue between Book and McElroy to add depth to their interaction and reveal more about their characters.
  • Improve the pacing of the action sequences by describing them in a more coherent and engaging manner.
  • Consider adding consequences or repercussions to the events in the scene to create a more impactful and meaningful outcome.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters, rather than feeling like a random and disconnected event.



Scene 16 -  Urgent Departure
66 INT. GUEST ROOM, ELAINE'S BOUSE - NIGHT 66
as the door opens and Elaine switches on the light,
rousing Rachel. Elaine looks haggard.
I ELAINE
! It's John. Be says you have to
' leave now. Be says i~'s ur~ent.
,-,.
She leaves the room as Rachel instantly awake, moves
quickly to rouse Samuel.

66A EXT. BATHROOM DOOR 66A

Elaine is outside the bathroom listening to instruc-
tions from her brother. From inside we hear the SOUND
OF RONNING WATER. Elaine is puzzled but also senses
the urgency.
BOOK CV .o. l
Put my car in the garage and close
the door.
ELAINE
John, I don't understand any of
this - 1
BOOK CV .o.)
(snaps)
You don't know anyth1ng1 I
borrowed your car. Didn't say
why. And you never heard of that
woman and her boy.
(CONTINUED)
Rev. 6 /12 / 8·4 -
., ...
. .
. .. ;


42.
CQNTINt;t;>: Ci6A
EUI!lE
Jol:n, wl:y? •••
BOOK (V .o.)
(■bouts)
Ju1t do itl

,,:a ,o
lock leeks at bimaelf in the mirror, bis !ac:e is pale
and drawn. Be examines the wound, a cleanly drilled
bcla thrcu;b bis right aide, just under the rib cage.
T~• wound continues tc bleed a• be bind• a towel
tightly about bi:I, before putting bis abirt back en.
Ba than carefully wipes away any trac•• cf bleed en the
basin with tissues which be flushes dcwn the toilet.

67
'. ..
,, . .•... -·.,-



I
68 * 68
I"' As Bcwk drives Elai~e•s car out of ~he city.




0
Rev. 6/12/84 43 .
. .. . :..



69 ::r:. PEI~~;;i::.A :&'O:.IC::: ~Q'C'AA~'-S - 3C0!.t' S 69
O!TIC:Z -N:~.
ANCi..E PAS'!' :ao0k's desk ca.:.endar. Carter enters in the
b.9., c:oss~• c;-.ii.ckly :=. the desi.. lie snaps on a
light, thu:=s a page of t.,e calendar, frowns.



Rachel's na::e and address scribbled on a page of the
ca!er.~•=·



Carter rips out the pa~e, crum.:,les it and drops it in
his pocket.
Be starts t0 90 •••
.· ...



A couple cf plainclot.~es~en have paused outside the
doer t= g i •1e hi~ a l00k.
Car:e: =ee:s t.,eir eyes. They ::eve on.
Car:er shakes it 0ff, ;oes. And •••
Ctn '1'0:




I
,-..,
REV. 4/23/84

70 OMITTED 70
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Elaine informs Rachel of John's urgent request for her departure. John examines an injury and gives secretive instructions to Elaine. Rachel and Samuel are hastily awakened. Book provides enigmatic instructions to Elaine. Carter examines a calendar with Rachel's information before being interrupted by plainclothesmen.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • High-stakes plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and keeps the audience engaged with its high-stakes plot and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation, murder investigation, and witness protection is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, with multiple layers of conflict, suspense, and character dynamics that drive the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a mysterious situation with hidden motives and danger, adding a fresh twist to the typical suspenseful scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience growth and change in the scene, particularly in their relationships and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to understand the urgency of the situation and to protect herself and Samuel.

External Goal: 7

The external goal is to follow John's instructions and leave the house immediately.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with multiple layers of tension, danger, and moral dilemmas that drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene adds to the suspense and uncertainty of the characters' situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line, secrets at risk, and the outcome of the investigation hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the hidden motives and danger that the characters are facing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between the characters' desire for safety and the unknown danger they are facing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and urgency, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the urgency and emotional intensity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its quick pacing, mysterious elements, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows standard formatting for a suspenseful scene, with clear action and dialogue cues.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical suspenseful structure with quick pacing and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the urgency and actions of the characters.
  • The dialogue between Elaine and Rachel feels disjointed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The transition from Elaine receiving instructions from her brother to John examining his wound is abrupt and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The actions of the characters, such as John wiping away blood traces in the basin, feel disconnected and do not contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to create a sense of tension or suspense, which is crucial for engaging the audience.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the urgency and purpose of the scene to provide a clear direction for the characters and the audience.
  • Develop the dialogue between Elaine and Rachel to add depth to their interaction and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between Elaine receiving instructions and John examining his wound to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Ensure that the actions of the characters are meaningful and contribute to the overall story arc to keep the audience engaged.
  • Introduce elements of tension and suspense to create a more compelling and emotionally resonant scene.



Scene 17 -  Sunrise at Eli's Farm
71 INT. CAR (MOVING)
. As light colors the eastern horizon, Book is crossina
into Lancaster County.
Book &lances at Rachel; she's asleep. He couahs wrack•
ingly, hurting ••• cinches the belt of his overcoat
even tighter. And •••




J
,-...
REV. 4/23/84









72 . EXT. LAPP l'AJtM 72
aa Eli emerge• from the barn ••• pau•e• to atare o.s.

BIS POV - BOOK'S q.R
cming up the long drive.

BACK TO SCE.~E

a• the car pull• up in the barnyard and Eli croaaea to
it.
Suddenly the car door fliea open and Samuel ,umpa out,
races aero•• the barnyard to hurl himaelf into tbe old
man'• arms.

ANGLE AT CAR
As Rachel ateps out of the passenger'• aide, Book
remain• aeated. Be lets bl• eyes travel around tbe
farm. -
RACHEL
ltay for awhile. a.at. I'll aake
coffee.
BOOK

-
I can't.
ltACIIEL
What about la1111el? Will you COIie
-
back to take bi• to trial?
Book starts the engines
(CONTIRUED)
45.
72 CONTINUED: 72

,-...f BOOK
(grimly)
There isn't going to be a trial.
Rachel stares at him, not sure what be means. Then
backs away, closing the door. Book begins to turn the
car around in the barnyard.

ANGLE
as Eli crosses to Rachel, his arm around Samuel.
ELI
Who was that man?
RACHEL
His name is John Book.
Eli is about to inquire further when Samuel cries:
SAMUEL
Momma
They glance in the direction Samuel is looking.
I

,-... THEIR POV - BOOK'S CAR
The car has failed to take a bend in the road and is
now bouncing across an adjoining ploughed field. It's
knocked over. a tall birdhouse by the roadside. The car
finally comes to rest against a bank of earth.

BACK TO RACHEL
She stares •••
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Rachel drives Book to Eli's farm at sunrise. Book remains in the car while Rachel greets Eli and Samuel. Book refuses to come inside when Rachel invites him. Book drives away, fails to make a turn, and crashes the car in a field.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, crime, and emotional elements to create a compelling narrative with high stakes and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detective protecting a young witness while investigating a crime is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of key characters, the revelation of crucial information, and the escalation of tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fish-out-of-water trope, blending elements of thriller and drama with the Amish community setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the specific cultural context.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Rachel and Book, undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships during the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and the people he cares about. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security, as well as his fear of being exposed and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade capture and navigate the unfamiliar Amish community. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in escaping the authorities and adapting to a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the detective's pursuit of justice and the need to protect the witness creates intense drama and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and conflicting motivations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters navigate a dangerous situation involving murder, witness protection, and a corrupt police officer.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, escalating tension, and deepening character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, as well as the unexpected reactions of the supporting characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's modern, individualistic values and the Amish community's traditional, communal values. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice, morality, and personal freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high due to the characters' vulnerabilities, fears, and the high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to deepen the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the stakes, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise action lines and dialogue cues. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and character dynamics.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear narrative arc, with well-defined character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm build tension effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It's unclear why Book is suddenly entering Lancaster County and why Rachel is asleep in the car.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Book is vague and lacks clarity. Rachel's question about coming back for Samuel to take him to trial is confusing and doesn't provide a clear direction for the scene.
  • The sudden introduction of Eli and Samuel without proper context or development feels disjointed and rushed.
  • The car accident at the end of the scene feels forced and lacks a clear purpose or impact on the story.
  • Overall, the scene lacks depth, character development, and a clear sense of direction, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the story.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to explain why Book is entering Lancaster County and why Rachel is asleep in the car.
  • Clarify the dialogue between Rachel and Book to establish a clear purpose and direction for the scene.
  • Introduce Eli and Samuel in a more organic and gradual manner to avoid a rushed and disjointed feel.
  • Reconsider the car accident at the end of the scene to ensure it serves a meaningful purpose in the story and adds to the overall narrative.
  • Focus on developing the characters, their relationships, and the overall plot to create a more engaging and cohesive scene.



Scene 18 -  Hiding Book
73 EXT. FIELD - DAY 73
as Samuel races for all he's worth across the field,
negotiates the creek via a fallen log -- RacMl, now,
also ruMing toward the car.

73A iXT. STABLES - DAY 73A

Eli works fast harnessing bis mules to an open wagon.
Be hops up to the front seat and urges them to trot.
,-...
46-
73B ANGLE AT BOOK'S CAR 73B
,....I We 1ee that Rachel has made Book as comfortable as
poasible in the front aeat of the car and ia packing
the wound under his trenchcoat with material ripped
from her apron. Momentarily he comea awake:
RACHEL
John, my God, why didn't you go to
a hoapital? ·
Book tries to rise but Rachel restrains him:
BOOK
No, no doctor •••
RACHEL
(bewildered)
But why?
BOOK
Gunshot ••• they'll file reports •••
they'll find me.
RACHEL
But --
Book reaches up to grip her arm fiercely:
BOOK
And when they find me, they'll
find your boy!
He slips.under again. Rachel atarea at him, realizing
the price he's paid in returning them to aafety.
She reaches out, touches him gently.
But the moment is broken by •••

ANOTHER ANGLE
aa Eli reina up in the apringwagon. Be cli■ba down,
cro•••• to glance into the car.
ELI
Is the English dead?
RACHEL
No •••

ELI
Looks dead •••
,....( And together they begin to lift Book from the car and
place him in the back of the apringwagon. And •••
74 INT, LAPP FARMHOUSE
Whefe ~li is looking out a window.

7S BIS POV -- BUGGY 75
An Amish buggy coming up the drive, past Book's car.

ANGLE IN BEDROOM
Where Book lies on a bed. Rachel is bathing his wound
with warm water from a pan,
Eli appears in the ~oorway.
ELI
Stoltzfus is coming,
Rachel looks at him, nods,
Eli frowns at Book's holstered pistol lying atop his
neatly folded clothes on a chair near the bed,
ELI
(continuing)
That has no place in this house.
I"" RACHEL
I know.
She picks up the pile of clothes and the pistol and
places them ~n a chest.
RACHEL
(continuing)
It will 90 when he goes.

76 INT, LIVING ROOM 76
as Samuel comes in with old Stoltzfus and Stoltzfus'•
teenaged son, LEVI,
RACHEL
Thank you for coming, Stoltzfus.
Stoltzfus'• eyes have gone to the bed:
STOLTZ!'TJS
0
That's the English is it?
48,
77 INT, SICKROOM --TIGHT 77
as Stoltzfus runs his fingers lightly over the vicinity
of Book's wound:
STOLTZFUS (O,S,)
I feel •• , burning,

WIDER
as Stoltzfus, in his shirtsleeves and concentrating
mightily, moistens his fingertips with saliva, contin-
ues the examination. Finally he steps back.
STOLTZFUS
This man •hould be treated in
town •
• ( indicates)
The bullet entered there ••• and
came out there. But there is the
danger of infection, and be has
lost a great deal of blood,
Rachel looks at Stoltzfus, then turns away, torn by her
dilemna. Ber eyes fall on Samuel. Gently she ushers
f him from the room:
RACHEL
Go help Levi with the car, Samuel,
She closes the door after him, then turns to face Eli
and Stoltzfus:
RACHEL
(continuing)
No, he must stay here.
Stoltzfus gives Eli a puzzled look, And:
EI.I
Didn't you hear Stoltzfus? What
if he dies? Then the sheriff will
come, They'll say we broke their
laws -
RACHEL
We'll pray that he doesn't die!
But if he does, then we'll find a
way so no one knows I
ELI
Rachel, this is a man'• life, we
hold it in our hands.
(CON'l'INUEI))
49,

77 CONTINUED: (2) 77
RACHEL
I know! God help me, I know that,
Eli!
( then)
But I tell you t.hat if he'• found
here, the people who did this to
him will come for Samuel,
Rachel beseeches them helpleasly:
RACHEL
(continuing)
What el•• , can. we do?I
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Eli harnesses mules and drives away immediately. Rachel tries to clean Book's wound who recovers briefly and insists that he not be taken to a hospital because he is a fugitive and his presence might implicate Samuel. Rachel and Eli decide to hide him in the Lapp farmhouse instead. They hear Stoltzfus arriving and Eli demands that Book's gun be hidden. Stoltzfus examines Book's wound and recommends that he be taken to town, but Rachel wants to hide him to protect Samuel and Eli tries to reason with her. The scene ends with Rachel asking for help to find a way out of this crisis.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes and moral dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and keeps the audience on edge with its high stakes and moral dilemmas.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sacrificing one life to save another, the clash of values between different characters, and the ethical decisions made under pressure are compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the characters' decisions and the escalating tension as they navigate a dangerous situation, making it engaging and suspenseful.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of moral responsibility and community loyalty, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each facing internal conflicts and making difficult choices that reveal their depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in their beliefs, priorities, and actions as they confront the moral dilemmas presented in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her son and keep him safe from harm. This reflects her deep desire to ensure his well-being and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to save the wounded man's life and prevent him from being discovered by authorities. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing compassion with the risk of breaking community rules.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and face life-threatening situations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and high stakes that create tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' lives and moral values hanging in the balance, creating tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by raising the stakes, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' decisions and the uncertain outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's moral duty to help a stranger in need and the community's strict adherence to their rules and traditions. This challenges the protagonist's values of compassion and loyalty to her community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and empathy for the characters' predicament.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and the ethical dilemmas they face effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel racing across a field to Eli harnessing mules to a wagon, which may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Book about his gunshot wound and the decision not to go to a hospital feels rushed and lacks depth.
  • The interaction between Rachel, Eli, and Stoltzfus about hiding Book in the farmhouse is tense and dramatic, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.
  • The conflict between Rachel wanting to protect Samuel and Eli's concerns about the consequences of hiding Book is compelling but could be further explored.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to the transition between Samuel racing across the field and Eli harnessing mules to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Book to delve deeper into their emotions and motivations, adding layers to their relationship.
  • Explore the internal struggles of Rachel, Eli, and Stoltzfus in more detail to enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or climax to the scene to give the audience a sense of closure and satisfaction.
  • Consider adding more visual elements or sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the scene.



Scene 19 -  Book's Delirium and Profanities
78 EXT. LAPP DRIVE 78

Levi has hitched Eli'• mule• to the rear of Book'• car
and is towing it up the drive toward the barn, with
Samuel catching a ride on the bumper.



Where she's waiting with the. big barn doors thrown
open. As the mules tow the car in, ahe closes the
doors.

.79 INT. LAPP FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM 79
As Stoltzfus· and Levi are about to go: Stoltzfus turns
to Rachel:
STOLTZFUS
Make a poultice,· .. three parts
milk, two part• linaeed oil,,, for
the infection. I'll aend Mary by
with acme teas I will brew ■yaelf,
RACHEL
Thank you.
Stoltzfus turns to Eli:.
STOLTZFUS
Lapp, I'll have to apeak with the
diener on thia aatter,
ELI
(nods)
As you aee fit, Stoltzfus,
CU'r TO:
so.
BO INT. SICltROOM - LAPP FARM - NIGHT BO
a• Rachel enters, turns up a kerosene lamp which is
burning low at bedside. She'• carrying the poultice
Stoltzfus ordered.
Book's b:ow ia beaded with sweat.
Rachel seats herself next to the bed, strips away the
sweat-soaked sheet. Ber eyes take in hi• bare torso,
and we should get the fHling that there'• rather more
male animal on display here just now than she'• quite
comfortable with.
She begins to apply the poultice.

ANGLE
As Book rouses to semi-consciousness, in his delirium
he recoils with alarm.
RACHEL
I'ts all right ••• You've got to
lie still!
Book stares up at her without recognition, but some of
what she says seems to penetrate. Be quiets.
RACHEL
(continuing: soothingly)
Yes, much better •••

ANGLE

as Book lapses back into sleep. Rachel hasn't removed
her hand from his chest. Abruptly she does so.
She finds herself wondering about this un lying before
her, ao suddenly a part of her life. She notices de-
tails: bruises, scars, the knuckles are hard, 9razed, a
tattoo on one shoulder. While lost in this reverie,
the delirious Philadelphia policeman be9ina to ■utter.
Incoherently at firat,then the words take shape - -
swear worda1 curses: fuck this and that: ahit1 etc.
Rachel rises abruptly, her cheeks coloring, aa the bar-
rage of language pours like vomit from his aouth. She
beats a hasty retreat cloain9 the door swiftly behina
ber. ;.

I
Bl C OMITTED Bl

'
,-...
51,
82 INT, SCHAEFFER'S OFFICE - DAY 82
Be'• on the phone:
SCHAEFFER
Looks like we're going to need
1O111e help from you folks down
there,

83 INT, LANCASTER COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY 83
Where an UNDERSHERIFF is on the phone:
ONDERSBDIFF
••• want 'to help any way we can,
Chief, but you got to under1tand
we've got upwards of ■ even
thou1and Allli1h over here, And
that's ju1t Lancaster County,
Over in Kai1er

84 INTERCUT SCHAEFFER 84
who is trying to control his impatience:
I ,,,...
SCHAEFFER
I've got the woman's name, Sheriff,
Lapp. Rachel Lapp. That ■ hould
simplify your work,
The Undersheriff frowns. He doe1n' t like being talked
down to. ·
UNDERSHERIFF
Bow about an address?
SCHAEFFER
Ah ••• no.
ONDERSHERIFF
(frown ■ )
Maybe a road or route number?
SCHAEFFER
Sorry.
The Onder1heriff is not impre11ed,
tnlDERSHERIFF
Problem is, Chief, 'bOut every
third Ami1hman around here is
,,,...
{
named Lapp. That or Yoder. Or
Hochstetler.
(CONTINUED)
52.
84 CONTINUED: 84
SCHAEFFER
(rising frustration)
That's very interesting, Sheriff,
but this matter is very important.
It involves the murder of a police
officer. Now the,e must be a
directory of these people
somewhere.
tJNDERSHERIFF
Sure. Tax rolls. Voter
registration. But I'll tell you
right now I don't have the manpower
to ■end• deputy out to every Lapp
farm in Lancaster County to see if
they've got your Rachel.
SCHAEFFER
(icy)
Maybe, Sheriff, you could do ■ome
telephoning.
tJNDERSHERIFF
(amused)
I could, sure. But since the
,... Amish don't have any telephones, I
wouldn't know who to call.
Stony silence on Schaeffer's end. The Undersheriff is
starting to enjoy himself.
tJNDERSHERIFF
Now I might get ■omething on loca~
radio and tee-vee for you. Like
you know -- alert the public.
( then)
Of course, the Amish don't bave
radios and tee-vees either.
SCHAEFFER
(angrily)
Are you telling ae there's no vat
we can locate this woman? Sherif,
we're talking about Twentieth
Century law enforecmentl
OlmERSHERIFF ..
Now there's vour problem, Chief.
Your Alllishman doesn't live in the
Twentieth Century. Doesn't think
Twentieth Century either.
,.._l (MORE)

(CONTINOElJ)
53.

84 CONTINUED: (2) 84

ONDERSHERIFF (CONT'D)
(and)
Chief, if the Amish have taken
your man in, I wouldn't want to
hang from a rope until you find
him.

ANGI.E

Schaeffer is tight-lipped with contained fury:
SCHAEFFER
Thank you', Sheriff. It's been an
education.
He hangs up. A beati the man is a study in
frustration. Then he glances up.

ANOTHER ANGLE
Standing in his doorway are the two plainclothesmen who
spotted Carter in Book's office in the earlier scene.
And •• _.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Levi and Eli tow Book's car to the barn, with Samuel riding on the bumper, while Rachel waits to close the doors. Stoltzfus gives Rachel instructions on caring for Book. Rachel applies a poultice to Book's bare torso, but he recoils in alarm and begins uttering profanities. Rachel beats a hasty retreat, closing the door swiftly behind her.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Intricate plot development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Lack of resolution for some subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a strong mix of tension, emotion, and plot development. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up future conflicts and resolutions effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to find a witness in an Amish community is unique and intriguing. It adds layers of complexity to the story and creates suspense and drama.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. It advances the main storyline while introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the clash between modern law enforcement and traditional Amish values, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and show depth in their actions and motivations. Their interactions drive the plot forward and reveal their individual strengths and weaknesses.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their beliefs, actions, and relationships during the scene. These changes contribute to the overall character development and plot progression.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to care for the injured man, Book, and navigate her discomfort with his delirious state and vulgar language. This reflects her deeper desire to help others and maintain her composure in challenging situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide medical care to Book and address the infection on his body. This reflects the immediate challenge of treating his injuries and ensuring his recovery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the stakes escalating. It creates a sense of urgency and danger that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between the characters that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and legal consequences. The outcome of their actions could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new revelations, conflicts, and resolutions. It sets up future events and paves the way for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of the characters and the evolving dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between modern law enforcement methods and the traditional values of the Amish community. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and the clash between different worldviews.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and determination. It creates a sense of empathy and connection with the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, realistic, and impactful. It conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, conflict between characters, and the unfolding mystery of the protagonist's actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, with a balance of action and introspection that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the gravity of the situation with Book being wounded and in hiding.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Stoltzfus feels a bit forced and lacks depth, especially considering the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to help the reader visualize the setting and characters more effectively.
  • The conflict between Rachel and Eli regarding hiding Book could be more pronounced and explored in greater detail to add depth to the scene.
  • The transition between the different locations and characters could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the interactions between the characters, especially Rachel and Stoltzfus, to make the scene more engaging.
  • Enhance the sense of urgency and tension by focusing on the high stakes of hiding Book and the potential consequences for Samuel and the Lapp family.
  • Provide more detailed visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
  • Develop the conflict between Rachel and Eli further to add complexity and emotional depth to the scene.
  • Work on improving the transitions between different locations and characters to ensure a smoother flow and better continuity.



Scene 20 -  John Book Recovering from Gunshot Wound
85 EXT. LAPP FARM - DA? 85
A bright, sunny afternoon.

SAMUEL

Where he's leading a team of horaes to the barn. In
the b.g. three buggies are parked in the barnyard,
traces empty. Vi1itor1.

86 ANGLE IN SICK:ROOM 86
Where Book lie• in the bed. Bia fever seems to have
subsided. Be'• coming awake, triea to focua on the
room.

BOOK'S POV - CLEl\GY
0
PANNING the four men in Amiah black who are standing
around the bed looking down at look, ■uttering among
- themselves in German.
(CONTINUED)
54.
86 CONTINUED: 86
These include TSCRANTZ, the district bishop, a hawk-
nosed, stern-eyed old fellow: Stoltzfus, a deacon as
well as a healer: and two·preachers, ERB and
HERSHBERGER. Eli stands somewhat apart.

ANGLE
Another moment of silence, then Book opens his eyes.
Tschantz rumbles in German. (SUBTITLES OVER)
TSCBANTZ
Well, Stoltzfus, another Lazarus
to your credit.
STOLTZFUS
Be was touched by God's hand.
Tschantz grunts, motions, for the other clergy aside
with him.
Rachel enters briskly wit~ a steaming pot of tea and a
cup, smiles.
,... I



Hello.
RACHEL

Book stares at he:, then at the old bearded gentlemen.
BOOK
(closing his eyes)
Who are they?
RACHEL
The leadership of our district •••
the diener. Bishop Tschantz is
the one with no hair on top. They
decided to come and see you for
themselves, Except Stoltzfus, of
course. Be caae the first day. I
think he saved your life.
BOOK
Can I have something to drink?
Rachel brings him tea.
BOOK
(continuing)
,... Does anybody know I'm here?
(CONTINUED)
55.
86 CONTINUED: (2) 86
RACHEL
Only the elders.
BOOK
Bow long?
RACHEL
What?
BOOK
Bow long have I been here?
RACHEL
Two days •.
BOOK
(a beat)
Listen, thank you. Thanks for
everything. But I've got to 90.
RACHEL
(frowns)
But you can't.
He tries to rise, falls back faint. Rachel rearranges
,,...
I the sheet.
RACHE:.
(continuing)
See, Anyway, you don't have any
clothes on. And besides that,
Bishop Tschantz wants to talk to
you when you feel better.
The elders appear to have concluded their confere~ce,
and are filing out. Stoltzfus pauses at bedside.
STOLTZFUS
Rest, Mr. Book. That'• the
ticket. And drink my tea, Lots
of my tea.
Be goes. Book is still fending off the dizziness.
Rachel puts the teacup to his lips.
BOOK
Tell him his tea stinks.
RACHEL
(smiles)
You tell him. When you're able.
,-.., ..,, Be looks like he's about to drop off again, Rachel
rises.
(CONTINUED)
56,
86 CONTINUED: (2) 86

RACHEL
(from the door)
We're all very happy that you're
going to live, John Book, We
didn't quite know what we were
going to do with you if you died,
That penetrates for a moment just before Book slips
into sleep again.

87 INT, LAPP LIVING ROOM 87

as the rather worri,some Hershberger frowns:
HERSHBERGER
••• But a gunshot wound, Very
serious.
TSCIIANTZ
It is not our place to ask how he
came to us. He is afflicted,
That is enough,
. EU
, Stil!, he should be among his own
,-.. people.
Rachel enters on this last.
RACHEL
He 4 ll leave as soon as be'• able,
He already wants to go.
Hershberger gives her a gloomy look, turns to
Stoltzfus:
BERSBBERGER
Bow long will tbat be, Stoltzfus?
STOLTZFUS
(shrugs)
A month, Maybe less, with God's
healing love,
CUT TO:

88 EXT, BOOK'S SISTER'S BOOSE - PBILADELPBIA - DAY 88
: Schaeffer is knocking at the front door,
,-..
S7.
88 CONTINUED: 88
A beat, then Elaine opens it cautiou~ly, peers out,
recognizing her caller:
ELAINE
(half fearfully)
Old you find him?
SCHAEFFER
Not yet.
Suddenly her eyes blaze, ■ he ■ tarts to close the door:
ELAINE
Then go a~ay, you bastard.
Schaeffer quickly but gently - prevents her from
■ hutting it.

SCHAEFFER
Elaine, I've come to apologize for
Lt. McElror• Be overstated the
departments position.
ELAINE
(bitterly)
! Be accused John of taking
I ,,...
kickbacks! And you know --
anybody who knows John -- knows
that's a goddamn lie!
SCHAEFFER
(smoothly)
Of course, Elaine. But as long as
there's any question, better
JohMy ■ hould c0111e back and clear
his name.
ELAINE
(cuts in)
Better you should get off my front
porch before I get my mace-~ I
SCBAEPPD
Elaine, I don't want to have to
take you in for questioning.
You've got his car, you were the
last to ■ae him -
BLAINE
(clipped)
I don't know where be is.
,,...
{
SCHAEFFER
But ••• if you bad to gues■ ?
RE\'. 4 / 23/ 8 4 56.
89 ANOTHER ANGLE - SCHAEFFER'S CAR 89
McElroy watching.

THEIR POV - FRONT OCOR
We see a final exchange between Elaine and Schaeffer.
Elaine fc:ces the door shut. Schaeffer turns, walks
slowly to his car.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary John Book awakens in an Amish sickroom, disoriented and weak. Visited by the Amish clergy, he inquires about his recovery. Despite his desire to leave, he's informed of his prolonged two-day stay due to his gunshot wound. As the clergy departs, Book succumbs to sleep.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Reveals
  • Cultural clash
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets up future conflicts, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wounded detective seeking refuge in an Amish community adds depth to the story and introduces interesting dynamics between the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the detective's presence in the community and the brewing conflict between law enforcement and the Amish.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on traditional themes of faith, community, and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially Rachel and Book, as they navigate the complexities of the situation.

Character Changes: 7

Both Rachel and Book undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and actions, setting up potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to recover from his illness and leave the farm. This reflects his desire for independence and freedom.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to clear his name and return to his normal life. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces due to false accusations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between law enforcement and the Amish community, as well as the internal conflict within the characters, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and beliefs between the protagonist and the community members.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters navigate dangerous situations, personal dilemmas, and conflicting loyalties.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the community's adherence to tradition and authority. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, especially in the interactions between Rachel and Book, and the dilemma they face.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the protagonist's goals and the community's expectations, as well as the dynamic interactions between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a bright, sunny afternoon setting, which contrasts with the tense and uncertain tone of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Amish clergy adds depth to the scene, but the dialogue in German with subtitles may be challenging for some readers to follow.
  • There is a lack of clarity in Book's interactions with the clergy and Rachel, as he seems disoriented and eager to leave without fully understanding his situation.
  • The transition between Book's interactions with Rachel and the clergy in the sickroom to the living room with Hershberger and Tschantz feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and the clergy members about Book's condition and departure lacks emotional depth and resolution.
  • The scene ends with a shift to a new location and character, Schaeffer, which disrupts the flow and focus of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider simplifying the dialogue in German or providing more context for non-German speaking readers.
  • Focus on developing Book's emotional journey and internal conflict more clearly throughout the scene.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and characters to maintain coherence and engagement.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes and resolutions in the interactions between Rachel, Book, and the clergy members.
  • Consider ending the scene on a stronger emotional or narrative beat to create a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 21 -  Samuel's Gun Lesson
INT. SCHAEFFER'S CAR
as Schaeffer opens the door, climbs in, sinks wearily
into the seat, beside MeElroy.
McELROY
She say where he is?
SCHAEFFER
I don't think ahe knows.

Schaeffer is staring grimly ahead. *
SCHAEFFER (CONT'Ol
What about Carter?
MCELROY
Tight. Sut I'm working or. him.
SCHAEFFER
Lea:-i on him.

9C OM.:TTEO * 90


91 EXT. LAPP FARM - LANCASTER COUNTY - NIGHT 91

REESTABLISHING, and TIGHTENING to the upstairs sickrOOIII
window where a lamp dimly burns.
59.
92 IN':'. SICKROOM 92
as Samuel comes in with a fresh bedpan. Book is lying
asleep on the bed.
Samuel puts the bedpan down, checks to make sure Book
is indeed asleep, then quietly crosses to the foot of
the bed and opens the clothes chest.

ANGLE
Book's big .38 revolver lies holstered atop his folded
clothes. Fascinated, Samuel picks it up, admiring the
heavy burled pistol grips. enable to resist, he starts
to remove the weapon from the holster, then pauses to
steal a look. o.s .•.
'
BOOK
Bis eyes are open and watching Samuel icily, which
gives the boy something of a jolt.
BOOK
Give me that.
I ,-...
Mutely, Samuel hands Book the pistol from arm's length.
He looks on as Book takes the pistol out of the hol-
ster, shoots the boy another look, then snaps open the
cylinder and shakes out the heavy, copper-jacketed
bullets into his palm. He snaps the cylinder closed
again, then nods to Samuel.
BOOK
(continuing)
Come here.
The boy edges closer.
BOOK
(continuing)
You ever handle a pistol like
this, Samuel?
SAMUEL
(swallows)
No pistol. Ever.
BOOK
Tell you what - I'm going to let
C
you handle this one. But only if
you promise not to say anything to
,-... your momma. I've got a feeling
she wouldn't understand.
(CONTINUED)
60.
92 CONTINUED: 92
SAMUE:.
(grins)
Okay, Mr. Book.
Book smi!es. Then he gives the boy a playful, John
Wayne-tough guy wink as he cocks and uncc~ks the
pistol, demonstrating the action. He finally bands it
over to Samuel, butt first.
BOOK
Call me John,
The boy tries to imitate Book's one-handed expertise,
but his hands are too small. Book smiles.
Samuel finally manages to get the thing cocked, using
two hands, and Book reaches over to guide the muzzle
away so that it's not pointed at him,
BOOK
(continuing)
You don't want to point that at
people you just started calling by
their first name.
,,,,.. Samuel levels the pistol at the door and, just as he
snaps the trigger, Rachel enters, pulls up short in
some dismay to find her son has a gun pointed at• her.
Samuel blanches and Book winces, knowing there's heavy
weather ahead.
RACHEL
(snaps)
Samuel -- I
Samuel quickly hands the pistol back to Book, who ·
holsters it:
RACHEL
(continuing)
Wait for me downstairs.
Samuel quickly exits, and Rachel angrily advances on
look,
RACHEL
(continuing)
John Book, I would appreciate it
if, during the time you are with
us, you would have as little to do
with Samuel as possible,
,,,,..
j
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 61.
92 CONTINUED 92
BOOK
Nobody meant any harm. The boy was
curious. I unloaded the gun
RACHEL
It's not the gun. Don't you
understand ••• It's you. What you
stand for.
(and)
That is not for Samuel.
Book looks at her thoughtfully.
Rachel softens a bit:
*
. RACHEL
Please, it has nothing to do with
you personally.
He hands her the holstered gun and the loose bullets.
BOOK
Put it up someplace Samuel can't
get it.
A beat, then Rachel, takes the pistol and starts to
I
go. Book stops her:
BOOK
(continuing)
Friends?
Rachel glances back at him, smiles and nods. And •••
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Samuel takes Mr. Book's gun without permission and points it at Rachel. Book teaches Samuel how to use the gun and gives the gun and bullets to Rachel. Book and Rachel have a disagreement over whether or not Samuel should be around Book, but agree to be friends.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for cliched dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the interaction with the gun, revealing character dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child handling a gun for the first time in a tense situation adds depth to the characters and foreshadows potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters navigate the aftermath of the shooting and the implications of their actions, setting up further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a young boy handling a gun, adding layers of complexity and moral ambiguity to the situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are central to the scene, with Book, Rachel, and Samuel showing vulnerability, tension, and growth.

Character Changes: 8

Samuel's experience with the gun and the characters' emotional responses indicate potential growth and change in the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the delicate balance between trust and suspicion, as well as to maintain control over the situation despite the unexpected events unfolding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the situation with the young boy and the gun carefully, while also managing the tension with the other characters in the room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between innocence and danger, as well as the tension between characters, creates a compelling dynamic in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives, hidden agendas, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate the situation and what the consequences will be.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of danger, trust, and emotional vulnerability heighten the tension and impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up further developments in the plot and character dynamics, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, as well as the shifting power dynamics and hidden motives. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, responsibility, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power, control, and the impact of his presence on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, with tension, vulnerability, and growth evident in the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The dialogue and actions of the characters draw the audience in, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, with Samuel sneaking into Book's room and handling his gun without permission.
  • There is a moment of potential danger when Book catches Samuel with the gun, creating a sense of unease and uncertainty.
  • The interaction between Book and Samuel with the gun is portrayed realistically, but the transition to Rachel entering and finding Samuel pointing the gun at her feels abrupt.
  • Rachel's reaction to finding Samuel with the gun is understandable, but the dialogue exchange between her and Book could be more nuanced and emotionally charged.
  • The scene ends with a moment of reconciliation between Rachel and Book, hinting at a potential friendship or understanding between them.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and suspense leading to the moment when Rachel finds Samuel with the gun, to create a more impactful and dramatic scene.
  • Work on the dialogue exchange between Rachel and Book to deepen the emotional conflict and resolution between them, adding layers to their relationship.
  • Explore the aftermath of this incident further, showing the repercussions on Samuel, Rachel, and Book's dynamic in subsequent scenes.
  • Consider adding internal monologues or reflections from the characters to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during this intense moment.
  • Focus on the character development and growth resulting from this incident, showing how it impacts the relationships and dynamics within the group.



Scene 22 -  Eli and Samuel's Conversation About Guns
93 INT. KITCHEN - LAPP FARMHOUSE - NIGHT 93
Book's holstered gun and bullets at center table. Eli
sits on one side, a chastened Samuel on the other.
Rachel looks on from the b.g.
Eli knows that this is as important a dialogue as he
will ever have with his grandson: at issue is one of
the central pillars of the Amish way.
(CONTINUED)




,..,'
REV. 4/23/84 62.
93 CONTINUED: 93
ELI
The gun -- that gun of the hand --
is for th~ taking of human life.
Would you kill another man? Eh?
Samuel stares. at it, not meeting his grandfather's
eyes. Eli leans forward, extends his hands
ceremonially.
ELI (CONT'D)
What you take into your hands, you
take into your heart.
A beat, then Samuel musters some defiance.
SAMUEL
I would only kill a bad man.
ELI
Only a bad man. I see. And you
know these bad men on sight? You
are able to look into their hearts
and see this badness?
SAMUEL
I can see what they do.
Now he meets Eli's eyes:
SAMUEL (CONT'D)
I ~ seen it.

Eli expels a deep sigh; then:
ELI
And having seen, you would become
one of them?
(intent ••• gesturing) *
Don't you see ... ? The hand leads ~
the arm leads the shoulder leads ~
the head ••• leads the heart. The -
one goes into the other•into the ►
other into the other ••• And you >
have changed, and gone amongst them •••
He breaks off, bows his head for a moment. Then he
fixes the boy with a stern eye and, driving he heel of
his palm firmly into the tabletop with enormous intensity,
ELI (CONT'D)
"Wherefore come out from among
them and be ye separate, saith
the Lord!"

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 63.
93 CONTINUED (2) 93
,,,..., ELI (CONT'D)
(indicating pistoli
continuing from
Corinthians 6:17)
"And tc,uch not the unclean thing!"
His intensity tinged with righteous anger, he is
hugely impressive.

93A OMITTED 93.!t
*
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary **Summary:** Eli and Samuel have a serious conversation about the Amish way of life and the use of guns. Eli believes that guns are for taking human life and that Samuel would become a bad man if he used one. Samuel argues that he would only kill a bad man, but Eli says that it is not up to Samuel to decide who is bad. Eli tells Samuel that he has changed and gone among the English, and that he must now come out from among them and be separate. Eli finishes by quoting from the Bible, saying that Samuel should not touch the unclean thing.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of morality
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a deep exploration of moral values and ethical choices, creating a tense and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of morality and the consequences of violence are central to the scene, providing a profound exploration of conflicting values.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Book's wound complicates the situation, leading to a decision to hide him in the Amish community, adding layers of tension and conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of non-violence and explores the complexities of moral decision-making.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' beliefs and values are tested, especially Samuel's moral compass and Rachel's protective instincts, adding depth to their development.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant internal conflicts and moral dilemmas, leading to personal growth and transformation, especially for Samuel and Rachel.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to impart wisdom and guidance to his grandson, Samuel, about the importance of non-violence and the consequences of taking a life.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure that his grandson understands the Amish way of life and adheres to their principles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between traditional Amish values and the violent outside world creates a high-stakes situation, intensifying the emotional and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and intense emotions driving the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve moral decisions, life-threatening situations, and the clash of cultures, intensifying the consequences of the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the moral complexities and escalating the tension, setting the stage for further conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting beliefs and intense emotions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and the grandson's perception of good and bad. It challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of morality, sacrifice, and the characters' internal struggles, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the internal struggles and ethical dilemmas faced by the characters, enhancing the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, enhancing the emotional impact of the dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, enhancing the readability and impact of the dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively explores the conflict between Eli's Amish beliefs and Samuel's curiosity about guns and violence.
  • The dialogue between Eli and Samuel is impactful and highlights the core values of the Amish community.
  • The tension and emotional depth of the scene are well portrayed through the characters' interactions and expressions.
  • Eli's sternness and intensity add depth to his character and emphasize the importance of the lesson he is trying to impart to Samuel.
  • The scene effectively conveys the internal struggle Samuel faces in reconciling his beliefs with his desire to protect his family.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as close-up shots of the characters' expressions.
  • Explore the use of lighting and sound to create a more immersive atmosphere that reflects the seriousness of the conversation.
  • Provide more context or backstory to further develop the relationship between Eli and Samuel, adding layers to their dynamic.
  • Consider incorporating subtle gestures or actions to convey the characters' emotions and internal conflicts more vividly.
  • Continue to build on the themes of family, tradition, and morality to deepen the audience's connection to the characters and their journey.



Scene 23 -  Preparations and Phone Access
93B EXT. BARN - LAPP FARJII - DAY 93B
Samuel harnesses up the family mare, and backs her
into the traces of the buggy.

93C INT. BOOK'S BEDROOM - DAY 93C
*
Book stands at the window in a worn robe. ~Below,
through the window, we can see Samuel and Eli in
the barnyard.

,... A beat, then Book crosses impatiently back to his bed,
sits down, picks up a dog-earred copy of The American •
Dairyman. There's a stack of well-thumbe'Cr"larm
magazines and copies of The Budget (the Amish newspaper)
on the bedside table.
There's a knock. Rachel enters carrying a pile of
clothing. She smiles. *
RACHEL *
Enjoying your reading?
BOOK
Very interesting. I'm learn- *
ing a lot about manure.
(eyes the clothing)
What's that?
RACHEL
Your shirt and jacket are still
stained with blood. I have
them soaking. You can wear these.
~he passes the clothes to Book.

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/2: /84 64,

93C CONTINUED 93C
BOOK
Your husband's?
RACHEL
Yes. It's good that someone
can have the use of them.
Besides, in your clothes you'd·
stand out to strangers.
She continues, cheerfully.
RACHEL (CON':''D) *
I should tell you these do
not have buttons.
• (shows him)
See? Hooks and eyes.
BOOK *
Something wrong with buttons?
RACHEL *
Buttons are hochmut.
BOOK •
Hochmut?
,..... RACHEL *
Vain . . Proud. Such a per~
son is hochmutsnarr. He is
not plain.
BOOK *
(nodding)
Anything against zippers?
RACHEL *
(almost blushing)
You make fun of me. Like
the tourists. Driving by
all the time. Some even
come into the yard. Very rude.
They seem to think we are
quaint.
BOOK
Quaint? Can't imagine why.
-She smiles.
BOOK (CONT'D)
,.... Where's the nearest telephone?
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 64A.

93C CONTINUED (2) 93C
,-...'
RACHEL
Telephone? The Gunthers across
the valley. They're Mennonite.
They have cars and refrigerators
and telephones in the houses even.

BOOK
No. I'd want a public phone.
Rachel's face clouds.
RACHEL
Well ... the store at Saltzburg... *
(then briskly)
But you·won't be going to
Saltzburg for a while.
BOOK
I'm going this morning.
RACHEL
But Stoltzfus said ...
BOOK
(cutting in)
,-... I know what he said.
RACHEL
You can go with Eli. He's
taking Samuel to school. But
you'll have to hurry.
Rachel turns to leave when Book calls her back.
(CONT.INUED)




0


,-...
65.
93C CONTINUED: (2) 93C
BOOK
Rachel.
She turns to look at him. It's the first time he's
used her name.
BOOK
(continuing)
Thanks.
She smiles and leaves.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Samuel prepares the buggy while Book observes. Rachel brings clothes for Book. She explains the community's rules and the location of the nearest phone. Despite Rachel's hesitation, Book insists on going to town to use the phone, resolving the conflict between his desire for communication and community norms.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Compelling moral dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Minor pacing issues in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, introduces complex moral dilemmas, and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural differences, moral choices, and the consequences of violence are explored in depth.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with high stakes, conflict, and a sense of urgency driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural differences and identity struggles, offering a nuanced portrayal of the clash between tradition and modernity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and internal conflicts that drive their actions.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience subtle changes in their beliefs and actions, particularly regarding violence and cultural identity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the cultural differences and expectations of the Amish community while also asserting his own identity and beliefs.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a public telephone, which reflects his need to connect with the outside world and potentially escape the confines of the Amish community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and expectations creating obstacles for the protagonist and driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot, revealing new information and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of cultural clashes and character interactions, keeping the audience intrigued by the unfolding dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for modern conveniences and the Amish community's rejection of technology and focus on simplicity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to empathy and hope.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals character dynamics, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, cultural insights, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations, enhancing the overall impact of the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively establishes the setting, characters, and conflicts, contributing to the overall narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the dialogue feeling somewhat disjointed and lacking in depth.
  • The interaction between Book and Rachel feels forced and lacks emotional depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The dialogue about buttons and zippers feels out of place and does not add to the overall narrative or character development.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional and psychological impact of Book's situation and his interactions with the Amish community.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and meaningful dialogue that adds depth to the characters and advances the plot in a more engaging way.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to focus on more meaningful and emotionally resonant interactions between Book and Rachel.
  • Explore ways to add depth to the characters and their relationships, allowing the audience to connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Ensure that each scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters, avoiding unnecessary or distracting dialogue.
  • Consider incorporating themes or conflicts that add tension and depth to the scene, making it more engaging for the audience.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and purposeful scene that contributes to the overall narrative arc and character development.



Scene 24 -  Awkward Amish Encounter
930 EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY 93D
Eli calls impatiently from the buggy. Samuel sits
beside h i.'TI.
ELI
Burry up now, John Book!

93E INT. K:TCHEN - DAY 93E
Rachel washing dishes turns on hearing Book enter. She
laughs out loud at the sight of him in his Amish gear,
and rightly so -- the pants are highwater, the hat low-
rise, the jacket ill-fitting. Book looks self-
conscious, even a little sheepish.
Outside another SHOUT from Eli.
RACHEL
You'd better go.
Book looks embarrassed.
BOOK
My ••• eh ••• gun?
The smile fades from Rachel's face as she reaches up
into a cupboard. She passes the gun in its bolster to
Book. Be fastens it about him. The contradiction of
an •Armed Amishman• inc;eases the awkwardness between
them. Book turns his back to her and checks the
weapon. Be turns back to her smiling in an odd way •
..
BOOK
The.. • bullets?
RACHEL
Oh. Of course.
(CONTINUED)
66.
93E CONTINUED: 93E
She takes them out of a disused coffee jar, passes them
to Book.
BOOK
(attempting a joke)
Not much good without them.

93F INT. BUGGY - COUNTRY ROAD - DAY 93F
Samuel sits between Eli and Book. Both men stare
straight ahead. Eli looks particularly stern. It's
pretti clear he doesn't like this Englishman wearing
the c othes of his .faith.

93G EXT. AMISH ONE-TEACHER-SCHOOL - DAY 93G
With a wave Samuel runs into the schoolyard to join
his friends. A teacher begins ringing a bell.

93:i INT. STORE, GROFFOA!.E - DAY 93B
Book on the telephone waiting for his call to be
answered. He looks about him -- several Amish and
English mingle in the shop. When he's sure no one is
watching, he sneaks a swig on his beer bottle, which is
concealed in a brown paper bag. A voice comes on the
line; it's that of Book's partner.
CARTER
Yeah?
BOOK
lt's me.
A silence.
CARTER
Jesus, where the fuck you been?
BOOK
Never mind. I'm coming in to take
care of business. Bow hot am I?
CARTER
(low, urgent)
Too hot. Don't do it. Don't come
in. They're looking for you.
I BOOK
I'll bet they are.
" (CONTINUED)
67.
,,....( 931! CONTINUED: 931!
CARTER
Listen, Johnny, don't do anything
stupid. You couldn't get within a
mile of Schaeffer right now. So
stay put ••• Stay in touch - I'll
let you know when maybe you can
come in.
A beat as Book considers that.
CARTER
(continuing; edgily)
You hear me?
BOOK
(finally)
I hear you. I'll stay in touch.
Carter expels a sigh of relief.
CAP.TER
That's more like it.
(and)
Where.!!!. you at, anyway?
,,... Book allows himself a small smile, regarding his Amish
imag~ reflected in the window of the store.
BOOK
Where I'm at is maybe 1890.
CARTER
(uncomprehending)
Say again?
BOOK
Make that 1790.
Be bangs up. A beat, then he stares toward the door of
the store.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Rachel hands John his gun and bullets for his journey, but John struggles with fitting in as an Amish person and is awkward wearing their clothing. He gets a beer out of a bag in the grocery store and then receives a call from his partner telling him to stay put as it is too dangerous to return.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes and urgency
Weaknesses
  • Some awkward moments in character interactions
  • Slight predictability in certain plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces conflict, and advances the plot while maintaining a sense of urgency and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an injured detective seeking refuge in an Amish community adds depth and complexity to the story, highlighting themes of redemption, sacrifice, and cultural clash.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with the introduction of new challenges, conflicts, and character dynamics, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fish-out-of-water trope by placing the protagonist in an unfamiliar Amish setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of emotions, beliefs, and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience subtle changes in their beliefs, attitudes, and relationships, setting the stage for potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkwardness and discomfort of being an 'Armed Amishman' in the presence of Rachel. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging, as well as his fear of being judged or rejected.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive information from his partner and make a decision about his next move. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading capture and staying safe.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, creating tension, suspense, and emotional stakes that drive the story forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing external threats and internal struggles that create uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involved in protecting the witness, hiding the wounded detective, and navigating the cultural clash between the Amish community and the outside world add tension, urgency, and emotional depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot, introduces new challenges and conflicts, and sets the stage for further developments, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the uncertain outcome of the protagonist's decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's identity as an outsider and his desire to fit in with the Amish community. This challenges his beliefs about his own identity and the importance of belonging.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and urgency to empathy and hope, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and humor, as well as the protagonist's internal conflict and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, despite the fact that Book is in a dangerous situation.
  • The interaction between Book and Rachel feels awkward and forced, especially when Book attempts to make a joke about the bullets.
  • The transition between the different locations and actions in the scene feels disjointed and abrupt.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the internal conflict Book may be feeling about his situation and the choices he has to make.
  • The scene could benefit from more depth and emotional resonance to engage the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the interaction between Book and Rachel to make it feel more authentic and meaningful.
  • Work on creating a more seamless transition between the different locations and actions to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Explore Book's internal struggle and the stakes of his situation to add depth and tension to the scene.
  • Focus on building emotional connections between the characters to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.



Scene 25 -  An Imbalance of Labor
93-I INT. BARN - DAY 93-I
Book works on his car.· The battery baa gone flat and
be'• trying to charge it up by running wire• to a ..
battery 110unted under tbe front seat of tbe Lapp buggy.
Eli stands at tbe barn door staring at him, again t~e
disapproving look.
ELI
If you are well enough to do that
tbing, you can do work for me.
(CONTINUED)
,a.
93-I CONTINUED: 93-I
Book is genuinely apologetic.
BOOK
Sure, I'm sorry. Hope you don't
mind ••• battery ••• trying to get a
charge. How can I help? What can
I do?
ELI
Maybe milking.
BOOK
C•yes Eli)
Milking?
ELI
Cows. You know, cows?
BOOK
I've seen pictures.
ELI
Good, you start tomorrow.

93.J INT, BOOK'S ROOM - LAPP FARM - NIGHT 93.J
Where Book lies asleep. A beat, then Eli comes in
carrying a lamp. He pauses a moment to peer at the
sleeping figure with undisguised anticipation. Then he
gives him 3 jarring thump:
ELI
(br i1kly)
Veck oufl Time for milking.
Book comes groggily awake as Eli exits. He gropes for
hi1 watch.

INSERT WATCHFACE
It reads 4:30 a.m.

BACK TO BOOK
~she stares at it in disbelief.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Book attempts to work on his car when Eli confronts him about not contributing enough to the farm. Eli suggests that Book take over milking the cows, and despite his reluctance, Book eventually agrees. The scene concludes with Eli waking Book at 4:30 AM to begin his new duties.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Cultural clash exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain moments lack clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, character development, and cultural clash to create a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an outsider like John Book being integrated into the Amish community while dealing with a dangerous situation is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Book navigates his recovery, interacts with the Amish characters, and faces the challenge of staying hidden while dealing with external threats.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar fish-out-of-water scenario but adds depth through the exploration of cultural differences and the protagonist's internal struggles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially John Book, Rachel, Eli, and Samuel, are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John Book undergoes a subtle change as he adapts to the Amish way of life and forms connections with the community, showing growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

Book's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his new role on the farm and earn Eli's approval. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging in this unfamiliar environment.

External Goal: 7

Book's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete the tasks assigned to him by Eli, such as milking the cows. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to farm life and proving his worth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Book's need to recover and stay hidden, the cultural clash with the Amish community, and the external threats create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Book is faced with challenging tasks and expectations from Eli that create obstacles for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Book must recover, stay hidden, navigate cultural differences, and deal with external threats, all while trying to protect himself and the Amish community.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, introducing new challenges, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure how Book will navigate the challenges presented to him by Eli and the farm environment.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Book's urban background and Eli's rural lifestyle. This challenges Book's beliefs and values, as he is forced to confront the realities of farm work and the expectations placed upon him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant as characters navigate difficult decisions, face threats, and form connections amidst a challenging situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the cultural differences, tensions, and emotions of the characters, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a clear conflict and establishes the stakes for the protagonist, keeping the audience invested in his journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, particularly in the moment when Book realizes he has to wake up early for milking, adding urgency to the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adhere to industry standards.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it seems to meander without a strong narrative focus.
  • The dialogue between Book and Eli feels forced and lacks depth, making the interaction feel superficial.
  • The transition between Book working on his car and Eli confronting him about doing more work on the farm is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' motivations and emotions, which would add more depth to the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves to advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and meaningful, focusing on revealing the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
  • Smooth out the transition between different beats in the scene to create a more cohesive flow.
  • Explore the characters' motivations and emotions in more depth to add complexity and richness to the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the audience.



Scene 26 -  Morning at the Barn
,,,..._ 93K INT. BARN 931!:
as the milk herd of half dozen or 10 cows amble• in
with Samuel prodding them along, beaded for the ■ilking
stalls. Book looks on in the lamplight, nonplu11ed.
(CONTINUED)
69.
93K CONTINUED: 93K
SAMUEL
Where he's pitching hay into the cow's feed-troughs.

BOOK, EL!
Where the old man is showing Book how to milk a cow by
hand.
ELI
Good, firm twist and pull, eh?
See?
(a_nd)
Right. Now you try it.
Book gives him a look, takes over the milking stool.
The cow shoots him a rather skeptical look over her
shoulder. Book bends to bis task.
ELI
(continuing)
Didn't you hear me, Book? ~ !
You never had your hands on a teat
before?
BOOK
(gr iml;_1)
Not one this big.
Eli unexpectedly finds this hilarious, cackles, gives
Book a comradely, man-of-the-world thump on the
shoulder that jars him. Then he moves off. Book bends
to his task, and •••

SAMUEL
as he pours a pailful of milk into a large, stainless
steel milk can.

EXT. BARN

as the milk herd is released back into the pasture.
Book crosses into the f.g., stares o.s.

BOOK'S POV - HORIZON
And dawnfire etching the hilltops.

(CONTINUED)
70.
93K CONTINUED: 93K
BACK TO BOOK
Something in him can't help but respond to the beauty.
A beat, then he blo~s on his hands, rubs them brisk~y
together against the morning chill. Rachel calls them
to breakfast from the house. She smiles and waves to
Book.

93L EXT. FIELD NEAR FMMHOOSE - DAY 93L
Book collects the pieces of the birdhouse which his car
knocked down the day-of his attempted departure. Be
pauses as a figure approaches. We recognize Daniel
Hochstetler, Rachel's would-be suitor. Be heads for
Book with an outgoing smile and outstretched hand.
Here'• a likeable man who likes people.
HOCHSTETLER
Good morning. Book, is it? You
are the Yankee they talk .about?
BOOK
I thought I was the English.
HOCHSTETLER
English, Yankee. It's the same.
My name is Daniel. Daniel
Hochstetler.
(sizes up his clothes)
You look plain, Book.
(grinning)
Very plain.
Book is not particularly amused.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
I came to see Raebel Lapp.
BOOK
Try the house.
Hochstetler gives Book a powerful clap on the shoulder.
HOCHSTETLER
(genially)
You bet. You bke care of
0
yourself.
Hochstetler beads for the house. Book stares after him
with some interest.

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 71.

93L CONTINUED 93L

ANGLE
As Rachel emerges from the house to greet him. She
also catches sight of Book and she pauses, a shadow
of confusion crossing her -expression for an instant.
And Hochstetler doesn't miss it either.
Then she gives her suitor a genuine smile of welcome.

93M HOG PENS 93M

Book, having gathered up the pieces of the bird house,
is headed toward the outbuildings, passing by hogpens.
He glances toward th~ house:

93N HIS POV -- THE BACK PORCH 93N

Where Rachel and Hochstetler are sitting in a porch
swing, sharing a pitcher of lemonade.

930 BACK TO BOOK 930

Thoughtful . . . He glances at the hog pen as a huge sow
,,,,,.., SQUEALS and angrily noses her young ones away from the
trough so she can feed.
BOOK
Pig.
REV. 4/23/84 71A.
94 OMITTED 94
thru thru
98 98
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Book assists Samuel with milking the cows and witnesses Eli's expertise. Despite struggling initially, Book perseveres under Eli's guidance. Samuel pours the milk into a can, and the cows are set free to graze. Book admires the dawnfire's glow on the hilltops as Rachel summons them for breakfast. Daniel Hochstetler, Rachel's suitor, introduces himself to Book, whose response is reserved initially. Hochstetler interacts with Rachel, her attention briefly lingering on Book's presence. Book notes the aggressive behavior of a sow in the hog pen. The scene concludes with Book observing Rachel and Hochstetler sharing a pitcher of lemonade on the porch swing.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of cultural clash
  • Humorous moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively showcases the cultural differences and conflicts between John Book and the Amish community, while also providing moments of humor and reflection.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a big city detective adapting to life on an Amish farm is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Book tries to adjust to farm life and interacts with the members of the Amish community.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural differences and personal growth, with authentic character interactions and a focus on traditional values. The dialogue feels genuine and the setting is vividly portrayed.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Book struggling to fit in, Rachel dealing with a potential romantic interest, and Eli providing guidance and wisdom.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes a subtle change as he starts to adapt to farm life and learn from the Amish community.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to adapt to the Amish way of life and find a sense of belonging. This reflects his deeper need for connection and acceptance, as well as his fear of being an outsider.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to learn how to milk a cow and interact with the Amish community. This reflects the immediate challenge of adjusting to a new environment and gaining the trust of the locals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is internal conflict for Book as he tries to adjust to a new way of life, but the external conflict is relatively low in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from cultural differences and personal interactions. The audience is kept engaged by the uncertainty of how Book will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and cultural exploration.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showing Book's progression in his new environment.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and character dynamics, such as Eli's reaction to Book's comment about milking a cow. The interactions between characters keep the audience guessing about their relationships and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between modernity and tradition, as seen in the interactions between Book, an outsider with a different background, and the Amish characters who adhere to their traditional way of life. This challenges Book's beliefs and values, forcing him to confront his own assumptions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to reflection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and helps to establish the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its rich character interactions, humor, and cultural exploration. The dialogue is lively and the setting is vividly described, drawing the audience into the world of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the story moving forward. It allows for moments of reflection and character development without losing momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for character development and setting establishment. It effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It seems to focus on Book's awkward attempts at milking a cow, but this doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue between Book and Eli about milking the cow feels forced and unnatural. It doesn't add depth to their characters or the overall story.
  • The interaction between Book and Hochstetler also feels superficial and doesn't contribute much to the scene or the larger narrative.
  • The visual descriptions are lacking in detail and fail to create a vivid picture of the setting or characters.
  • Overall, the scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear connection to the larger story arc.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus on a more significant interaction or event that moves the plot forward or develops the characters.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and meaningful, with a clear purpose in advancing the story.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the scene.
  • Ensure that each scene serves a specific purpose in the overall narrative and contributes to the development of the characters or plot.
  • Consider adding more depth and complexity to the interactions between the characters to make the scene more engaging and impactful.



Scene 27 -  Carpentry and Competition
99 INT. CARPENTRY SHOP, LAPP FARM - DAY 99

Book works on repairing the broken birdhouse when
Rachel enters.
BOOK
Eli said I could use his tools.
He uses a drawknife on a piece of 2x4, with some obvi-
ous expertise.
RACHEL
Eli is a· !ine carpenter. Best in
the district. He and his father
built the big house themselves
forty years ago.
BOOK
Oh?
(and)
What happened to Hochstetler?
RACHEL
,-...
I
We had some lemonade and he left.
BOOK
A real fireball.
Rachel smiles. Book crosses to a workbench and selects
another tool.
RACHEL
You know carpentry?
BOOK
I did some carpentry summers when
I was going to school.
(CONTINUED)




,,,..../
72,
99 CONTINUED: 99
JIACEEL
(smiles)
I never suspected,
(and)
Can you do anything else?
BOOK
(really annoyed)
Anything else? I can whack
people, I'm hell at whacking.
llCEEL
Whacking_i_, not of ■uch use on a
farm.
BOOK
Now hold on. There's a lot of
people who think being a cop is a
legitimate job,
llCHEL
I'm sorry. I'm sure it is.
She turns, starts to go. Then turns back, eyeing his
makeshift garb:
JIACHEL
(continuing)
And tonight I'll let out those
trousers for you.
Stifling a ·smile, she goes. HOLD on Book a beat,
then •••
COT TO:


100 INT, LAPP FAllMBOUSE - DINING ROOM 100
Eli is seated at the head of the table, Book opposite
Samuel and Rachel, The table ia piled high with an
incredible amount of .food, Eli eyes Book cagily, waves
his fork at him:
BI.I
Eat up, Book, What's the utter
with your appetite?
BOOK
Guess I'm not used to ao much.
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73.
100 CONTINUED 100
ELI
(soorts)
Not use, to hard work. That's
what makes an appetite.
Book swallows that one. With difficulty. Rachel
intervenes:
RACHEL
Eli, John is a carpenter.
(conciliatory after-
thought)
As well as being a fine policeman •
. _ ELI
Eh? Well then, maybe he can go to
Zook's barn-raising, eh? See how
~ a carpenter.

Book can't refuse the challenge.
BOOK
Sure.
RACHEL
But . • . You may not be well enough.
BOOK
I'll drink some more of Stoltzfus'
tea.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Book showcases his carpentry skills at the Lapp farm, setting up a future challenge with Eli. Rachel offers to help with his trousers. Despite Rachel's health concerns, Book accepts Eli's barn-raising challenge.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of dialogue, character development, and conflict. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up future plot points effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Book learning carpentry and interacting with the Amish community adds depth to his character and creates interesting dynamics within the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Book integrates into the Amish community and faces challenges in adapting to their way of life. The introduction of Daniel Hochstetler adds a new layer of conflict.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the protagonist's struggle with identity and societal expectations, blending elements of rural life and law enforcement in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Book's frustration and Rachel's attempts at reconciliation adding depth to their relationship. Eli's stern but caring demeanor also stands out.

Character Changes: 7

Book's introduction to carpentry and the Amish way of life marks a significant change in his character, showing his willingness to adapt and learn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his identity as both a carpenter and a policeman, showcasing his skills and expertise in both fields while also dealing with the expectations of others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress Eli and Rachel with his carpentry skills and integrate himself into the community by accepting the challenge to attend Zook's barn-raising.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a palpable tension between Book and Rachel, as well as the introduction of potential romantic conflict with Daniel Hochstetler. The clash of cultures also adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges from both external expectations and internal conflicts, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Book navigates the challenges of integrating into the Amish community while dealing with personal and professional conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between the characters, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the protagonist's shifting identities and the unexpected challenges he faces in integrating into the community.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between traditional craftsmanship and modern law enforcement, as the protagonist grapples with societal expectations and personal identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of frustration, curiosity, and tension, especially in the interactions between Book and Rachel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively. The interactions between Book and Rachel are particularly compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its authentic character interactions, rich dialogue, and thematic depth that draws the audience into the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and character dynamics, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character interaction and development, with clear dialogue and action that advances the plot and themes effectively.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Book and Rachel feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to add more substance to their conversation to develop their relationship further.
  • The transition from Book working on the birdhouse to the dining room scene feels abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a more seamless transition to connect the two scenes.
  • The humor in Book's 'whacking people' comment may not resonate well with the tone of the overall script, as it comes off as insensitive given the context of the story.
  • Eli's caginess towards Book at the dining table could be portrayed with more subtlety to add layers to his character and the dynamics within the family.
  • The challenge for Book to attend Zook's barn-raising feels a bit contrived and could be integrated more organically into the conversation.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue between Book and Rachel to delve deeper into their characters and relationship.
  • Smooth out the transition between scenes to create a more cohesive flow in the narrative.
  • Consider revising Book's 'whacking people' comment to align better with the tone and themes of the screenplay.
  • Develop Eli's character with more nuance in his interactions with Book at the dining table.
  • Integrate the challenge for Book to attend Zook's barn-raising more naturally into the dialogue to make it feel more authentic.



Scene 28 -  Forbidden Dance
lOOA EXT./INT. BARN -- NIGHT * lOOA
As Rachel, lamp in hand, walks up to the barn. She
looks in to find Book tinkering with the battery hookup
to the Lapp buggy.
He glances up as he enters:
BOOK *
Hi • • •
As ahe sets her lamp down near the one he'• using.
RACHEL *
(beat)
When will you be going?
(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73A.
lOOA CONTINUED lOOA
BOOK
Not long • • • A few days. *
Another beat as Rachel watches him • . • Book, checking
out the battery'power, hits the radio -- and suddenly
from the Twentieth Century comes the sound of one of
its major inventions -- rock and roll.
It fills the barn, but Book turns up the volume a *
click more even and, eyeing Rachel, starts moving with
the beat. It's his culture, coming through loud and
clear, as incongruous as it all might seem with the
tough Philly cop decked out in Amish.
Rachel can't help but laugh • • • Sensing her response,
Book sweeps her up-and they boogie in the lamplight,
Rachel alternately protesting and laughing.
BOOK (CONT'D) *
You like it • • • Don't you?
Rachel, confused, protests:
RACHEL
No . . . You just stop *
But she doesn't really want to. Book grins:
BOOK *
(mock alarm)
Next thing you know you'll be off
drinking beer and racing motor-
cycles.
And it goes on • . . Rachel alternately protesting and
laughing.
ANGLE -- THE BARN DOOR
*
As Eli suddenly appears. He glowers for an instant,
thunderstruck, then BELLOWS:
ELI
Rachel -- *
THE SCENE
As Book and Rachel's dancing comes to a sudden hal,t •

.Both turn, look at Eli. Rachel regards him level-
eyes, without discernible alarm. Book, looking a • ¥
bit sheepish, goes over, turns off the radio, as:

,-...I (CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73B.
100A CONTINUED * 1O0A
ELI (CONT'D)
(in the dialect)
What is this? This Myusick?
Book hesitates, then starts to say something:
BOOK *
It's not her fault, I--
But he gets such a look from Eli that he turns, goes
out.
ELI *
(in the dialect)
How can ~his be? How can you do
such a thing?· Is this plain?
Is this the ordnung?
RACHEL
I have done nothing against *
the ordnung.
ELI
(in the dialect) *
Eh? Nothing? Rachel, you
bring this man to our house.
With his gun of the hand. You
bring fear to this house. Fear
of English with guns coming
after. You bring blood and
whispers of more blood. Now
English music ••• and you are
dancin! to English music! And
you cal this nothing?
RACHEL *
I have cormnitted no sin.
ELI *
(in English)
No sin? Maybe. Not yet.
But, Rachel, it does not look.
(tone softening.:-:-
in the dialect)
Don't you know there has been
talk? Talk about you, not him.
Talk about going to the Bishop.
About having you ••• shunnedl
RACHEL *
That is idle talk.
,... 0

(CONTINUED)
REV. 4/23/84 73C.
100A CONTINUED 100A
ELI •
(in English, pleading)
Do not make light of it, Rachel.
They can do it •.•• quick! Like that I
And then •.• then I can not sit at
table with you. I can not take
a thing fro~ your hand. I •••• I
can not go with you to meeting!
(the old man almost
breaks down as, in
the dialect)
Rachel, good Rachel, you must
not go too far! Dear child!
Rachel is annoyed~~ also touched, no doubt, by the old
man's plea -- but irked by his condescending tone •
RACHEL •
I am not a child.
ELI •
(suddenly stern again)
You are acting like one!
RACHEL •
,... I will be the judge of that.
ELI •
(fierce as a prophet)
No! They will be the judge of
that! And so will 1 ... if you
shame me!
RACHEL •
(blinking a tear now,
but meeting his gaze)
You shame yourself.
And shaken but proud and erect -- she turns and
walks out.




,...
I
74.
101 OMITTED 101
thru thru
104 104
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a dark barn, Rachel and Book dance to English rock and roll music. Eli, furious, appears and condemns them for breaking Amish customs. Rachel defies him and leaves the barn proudly.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Cultural clash exploration
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues due to the emotional intensity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of tension, confrontation, and reflection. It delves into the clash of cultures and values, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural clash and personal values is well explored through the interaction between Book, Rachel, and Eli. It adds layers to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the tension between characters increases, especially with Eli's warning to Rachel about potential consequences of her actions. It sets up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the clash between tradition and modernity, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting values. Their interactions reveal deeper layers of their motivations and beliefs.

Character Changes: 7

Rachel experiences a shift in her perspective due to Eli's warning, showing potential growth in her character. The scene sets up further development for her.

Internal Goal: 8

Rachel's internal goal is to assert her independence and challenge the restrictive rules of the Amish community.

External Goal: 7

Rachel's external goal is to maintain her relationship with Book while navigating the expectations of her community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, primarily between Eli and Rachel regarding breaking Amish traditions and values. The clash of cultures and personal beliefs creates tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of potential consequences for Rachel's actions and the impact on her relationship with Eli. The scene sets up significant challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and relationships between the characters. It sets up future conflicts and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of characters and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between tradition and modernity, obedience and rebellion, as represented by Rachel's actions and Eli's reactions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the confrontation between Eli and Rachel. The plea from Eli adds a layer of emotional depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the emotional intensity of the scene and the underlying tensions between the characters. It effectively reveals their inner conflicts and values.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, emotional stakes, and cultural clash.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a light-hearted and comical tone as Book and Rachel dance to rock and roll music in the barn, showcasing the contrast between Book's tough cop persona and the Amish setting.
  • The interaction between Book, Rachel, and Eli introduces a conflict between Rachel's actions and the Amish way of life, leading to tension and disapproval from Eli.
  • Eli's stern and disapproving attitude towards Book's behavior adds depth to the scene and highlights the cultural clash between Book and the Amish community.
  • The dialogue between Eli and Rachel reveals the internal conflict within Rachel as she defends her actions while also feeling the weight of potential consequences within the community.
  • The scene effectively conveys the themes of cultural differences, societal expectations, and personal choices through the interactions and reactions of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict and emotional depth to Book's character as he navigates the cultural differences and expectations within the Amish community.
  • Explore the repercussions of Rachel's actions further by delving into the consequences she may face within the community, adding layers to her character development.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to emphasize the contrast between Book's modern world and the traditional Amish setting, creating a visually compelling and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Develop the relationship dynamics between Book, Rachel, and Eli to create a more nuanced and engaging portrayal of the cultural clash and personal struggles each character faces.
  • Consider incorporating subtle foreshadowing or hints of future conflicts to build suspense and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding story.



Scene 29 -  The Barn Raising
105 INT. SCHAEFFER'S OFFICE - NIGHT 105
Carter sits. Schaeffer prowls. Be's at his most
charming and most sinister as he walks and talks during
this interview.
SCHAEFFER
I just want to talk to him. Talk
some sense into hilll. You know we
go way back. You know the story
- we were a team once, as you two
are now. · l trained him. Be' a a
fine policeman, but ••• I know he's
with the Amish. God, I'd give
anything to see him now •••
(he laughs)
••• can you see John at a prayer
meeting?
Be chuckles at the thought, then he 1110ves close to
Carte!, sits on the edge of the desk. Be alters his
voice to a "sincere" tone.
,,,,....l SCHAEFFER
(continuing)
We're like the Amish, we're a cult
too, a club, with our own rules.
John'• broken those rules, as you
are breaking them now. We have
our own code, Carter.
CARTER
He's going to take you out, Paul.

106 EXT. ZOOK FARM - LANCASTER COUNTY - DAY 106
BIG SHOT ••• it's early morning as the Amish buggies are
arriving at the Zook farm for a barn raising.
In the b.g. we can see big stacks of lumber all around
the construction site where a couple of dozen men have
begun raising the main supports on the already laid
foundation.
Elsewhere, long tables have been set up and women are
spreading them with cloths, setting out big tanks of
hot coffee and cold lemonade for the men.
,...I .)
(CONTINUED)
75.
106 CONTINUED: 106
,,,...,i
LAPP BOGGY
As Eli, Book, Rachel and Samuel step down, Book eyes
the construction site.
ELI
Wait here 'til I find a gang you
can work with,
Be goes. Book glances around as even more buggies
arrive and more workmen and their families climb out.
Eli appears with Hochstetler in tow. Hochstetler'•
broad face breaks into a grin:
HOCHSTETLER
Book! Good to see you!
Be pumps Book's hand with his usual vigor, smiling a
greeting and pleasantry to Rachel. She looks on,
amused.
Bochstetle! gives Rachel a look, and we realize that
his showing up just now to appropriate Book was no
happenstance.
,,,..., And Book realizes it as well.
HOCHSTETLER
(continuing)
Eli says you're a carpenter, Book,
BOOK
It's been a while.
HOCHSTETLER
No matter. Come with me. We can
always use a good carpenter.
With that be throws a huge arm around Book's shoulder
and usher ■ him away. Rachel calla after them:
RACBEL
Good luck.

BOOK/HOCHSTETLER
-ea they move off.
HOCHSTETLER
Your bole is healed, then?
,,,...,
(CONTINUED)
76.
106 ·CONTINUED: (2) 106
BOOK
(gives him a look)
Pretty much.
Hochstetler nods with satisfaction:
HOCHSTETLER
Good. Then you can go home.
DISSOLVE TO:

107 CUTS 107
As the morning progresses:
••• Book and Hochstetler sawing and augering out heavy
timbers on big sawhorses. There's an unmistakable
atmo•fhere of competition between the two men, which
doe1n t go entirely unnoticed by tbe half-dozen or so
other young men on the gang •
••• Or, indeed, by Rachel; in fact, she seems -- with-
out leaning on it too heavily - to be measuring the
two men as the morning progresses, and she occasionally
,,,,..._ passes within proximity of them.
••• Eli and a couple of other elders prowling the Job
with sheafs of hand-drawn sketches under their arms,
supervising the construction. All around them the
st:ucture is rising with rem.arkable rapidity •
••• Rachel, where ahe's helping the women set out the
huge noon meal. Other women are sitting on benches in
the b.g., knitting or doing quiltwork,
••• Samuel, where he's banging away with a hammer, with
a group of boya hia own age. Elsewhere - see little
girls •botching• (a hand-clapping game played to German
rhymes) •
••• The very elderly; sitting on the graas or in
wheelchairs in the sunlight, looking on -- the old men
kibitzing in German,. the vomen gossiping.
Until •••

BIG SHOT
of the barn-raising with the noon sun high overhead •••
.,.....' -· at least a hundred and fifty men are swarming over and
about the barn framework.,.
(CONTIIIOED)
77.

,.._ CONTINUED: 107
' 107
••• some aid the rafters, some hauling lUlllber to the
job, others sawing, hammering, drilling, joining,
planing and what-all ••• so many that the barn •••ma
alJloat to be rearing up before our very eyes. And
there isn't a power tool in sight.

WOMENS' AREA

As Rachel crosses near the benches ••• we can see other
women eyeing her, whispering among themselves, some
tittering. Rachel ignores them.
She joins the stoutly amiable Mrs. Yoder fr0111 the
funeral sequence earlier. The older woman is emptying
a big pan of fried chicken into serving platters.
She smiles, obviously liking Rachel.
MRS. YODER
Everyone has an idea about you and
the English.
RACHEL
A!l of them charitable, I'm sure.
MRS. YODER
Hardly any of them.

ANGLE - TBE ROOFBEAM
Book and Hochstetler astride the roofbeam studs, hold-
ing them together prior to nailing them to the roof-
beam. They are, therefore, crotch to the mast and,
facing one another, way out at the far end of the roof.
Suddenly, as Hochstetler raises hi• hammer, the studs
start to part, threatening to de-ball the both of them.
Hochstetler drops his hammer, 9rab• both aides of the
rocf with incredible brute strength, and, literally,
pulls it back together.
Bock stare• at Hochstetler with nothing short of awe.
Hochstetler, straining and gr inning, looks to Book:··
HOCHSTETLER
Nail it - I
{ BOOK
,-.. Yes, air.
(CONTINUED)
.• #. \ ·.
Revised: 6/12/84
( 10·7 CONTINUE::> · 107
,-...
And he does nail it while Hochstetler, grinning L.,d
holding, looks on.
CISSOLVE TO:

108 :SIG SHOT 108
The barn is done, the worklllen climbing down from the
rafters. !t's late afternoon.
ANGU: ON :SOCK
He hesitates. His tgce is pale and covered with sweat.
The exertion of the day has taken its toll. He's in
dange= of fainting and is some forty feet a!>ove the
ground. But he's determined it won't happen, deter-
mined that he won't fall, nor will he humiliate him-
self by calling for help. Hochstetler guesses the
situation. He moves beside Book, claps an arm around
him·, says nothing, "doesn"' t even look at Book; · Prom·
below, so~eone TELLS the~ to hurry up. Hochstatle=
replies that they're jus~ finishing a tie:
The mcwent passes fo= :Sook, and he's okay. Hochstetler
,-... =em~ves his supporting a=. Book looks him in the eye,
nods his appreciation almost imperceptibly. Hoch-
stet!e= wants no thanks, and Book knows it. Hoch-
stetle= gives him a resounding SLAP on the back, and
starts climbing down. Book follows.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Romance"]

Summary Detective Carter warns Detective Schaeffer that the Amish man, John Book, plans to attack him. Meanwhile, at the Zook farm, Hochstetler tries to intimidate Book but is impressed by his strength and helps him finish the barn raising.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Cultural clash dynamics
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable character interactions
  • Slightly slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and progresses the plot effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the barn raising showcases the Amish community's values, work ethic, and sense of community.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Book integrates into the Amish community, faces challenges, and builds relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on loyalty, morality, and justice through the interactions between characters, offering a nuanced portrayal of conflicting values.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes changes as he integrates into the Amish community and faces new challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Carter's internal goal is to confront Schaeffer about his past and present actions, reflecting his need for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

Carter's external goal is to gather information about John and the Amish community, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in solving a case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is internal conflict for Book, external conflict with Hochstetler, and cultural conflict with the Amish.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Book's recovery, integration into the community, and potential exposure are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing Book's adaptation to Amish life and the challenges he faces.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of character motivations and outcomes, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Schaeffer's justification of his actions based on their shared history and loyalty to their 'club,' challenging Carter's beliefs in justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions through character interactions and challenges.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals character dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic dialogue, contrasting settings, and moral conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a steady rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of the character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from Schaeffer's office to the Zook farm is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue between Schaeffer and Carter is intriguing but could be more impactful with deeper emotional exploration.
  • The introduction of Hochstetler and his interaction with Book feels forced and lacks depth, making it seem contrived.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, resulting in a lack of tension and engagement for the audience.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but could be more vivid to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue between Schaeffer and Carter to enhance the impact of the scene.
  • Develop the interaction between Book and Hochstetler to make it more organic and meaningful within the context of the story.
  • Introduce a central conflict or tension to drive the scene forward and keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
  • Work on the transition between different locations to ensure a smooth flow and continuity in the storytelling.



Scene 30 -  Torture in the Warehouse
109 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - ?HILADELPHIA -DAY * 109
A damf evil place, fu!l of shadows. A hand places
a cheap transistor radio on an old table, turns
the volume up loud, the music filling the air.
A bag is opened--inside a number of police night-
sticks. Hands reach in and take them out one by one.
Carter is surrounded by four men, each holding a stick.
We recognize McFee, Fergie, and the plainclothes-men
that spotted Carter In Book's office. Carter wheels
and feints as one or other of his assailants move on him.
The attackers are tense, warily looking for their ■not.
Suddenly McFee lunges for Carter and whacks him on the ..
shin. A pause, then another strikes, Carter doing his best
to p&rry the blows. The music on the radio rises and
swells as the torture continues.
0

(
<UV. ftl.2/84. .. . .... : .. ·. '•

.•:. ...
110 EX":'. ZOOK FAR}! - LANCASTER .COUNT"'! - EVENING 110
The gatherin; has congregated to hear Bishop Ts~hantz
offer up a blessing on the new barn.
CONGREGATION
PA?..-NINY the faces as they listen to the heavy German
words rolling out over the still evening air.
Book stands a little to one side of the Amish. The
prayers he cannot share with them. Rachel is aware of
this, feels something of his a.otion. She looks toward
him, then she too closes her eyes and drifts away from
him, into the soothing prayer.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In an abandoned warehouse, Carter is brutally tortured by four men led by McFee as loud music blares from a radio, obscuring his cries. The scene portrays the stark contrast between violence and tranquility.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, emotion, and spirituality, creating a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of contrasting light and dark, tension and peace, adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new conflicts and character dynamics.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a protagonist facing physical danger but adds a unique twist with the setting and the use of music to heighten the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, emotion, and growth, especially in their interactions and decisions.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and change in their beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Carter's internal goal in this scene is likely survival or escape, reflecting his fear and desire to overcome the physical threat he is facing.

External Goal: 7

Carter's external goal is to evade his attackers and potentially turn the tables on them, reflecting the immediate challenge he is facing in the abandoned warehouse.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple layers of conflict, both internal and external, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Carter facing multiple assailants and the uncertainty of his survival adding to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as characters face moral dilemmas, personal risks, and potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the confrontation between Carter and his assailants is uncertain, adding to the tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the struggle between survival and morality, as Carter may be forced to make difficult choices to protect himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and action lines.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of setting up the conflict, escalating the tension, and leaving the audience on a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and suspenseful scene in the abandoned warehouse to the peaceful and serene setting of the Zook farm is quite abrupt and may be disorienting for the audience.
  • The use of police nightsticks for torture in the abandoned warehouse scene is quite graphic and may not align with the tone of the rest of the screenplay, which focuses on the Amish community and John Book's interactions with them.
  • The sudden shift from the torture scene to the Amish barn-raising ceremony lacks a smooth transition and could benefit from a more gradual segue to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The contrast between the dark, evil atmosphere of the warehouse and the wholesome, community-centered event at the Zook farm is stark and could be better balanced to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • The scene in the abandoned warehouse may be too intense and violent for the overall tone of the screenplay, which primarily focuses on themes of family, community, and redemption.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the two scenes to create a smoother flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Explore alternative ways to convey the conflict and tension without resorting to graphic violence, especially in scenes involving torture.
  • Introduce elements in the Zook farm scene that help bridge the gap between the two contrasting settings, such as subtle hints of the impending conflict or a gradual buildup of suspense.
  • Ensure that the tone and themes of the screenplay remain consistent throughout different scenes to provide a cohesive viewing experience for the audience.
  • Consider revisiting the purpose and impact of the abandoned warehouse scene in relation to the overall story arc to ensure it aligns with the narrative direction and character development.



Scene 31 -  Samuel's Unexpected Hug
lll. INT. PHILAOE~?HIA WAREHOUSE -- EVENING 111. *
The sound of the Amish prayer drifts through the
dim, dust-filtered light, and drifts over Carter's
broken body lying face down on the warehouse floor.
·oead. . . . . · . · ··•· · ·. " ··' · ... -.. ·' ., ... ··. ..
COT TO:
,.
; 112 EX":'. ~A?? FAR:1 - NIGHT 112
,-... Book sits o~ the porch, looks towar~ the night sky.
There is a SOUND, but it's a moment before he turns
his eyes toward the door.
A.~GU: - THE OOOR
Samuel standing there in his nightshirt.

BACK TO S::E?lE
as Book leans forward in his chair.
BOOK
Bey, Sam •..
SAMu"'EL
••• I want to say a thing.
BOOK
(sitting up)
What's that, SL~?
The boy hesitates, holds for a time, then suddenly
( darts· across to Book, wraps his arms around him,
,,,... hugs him tightly ••• then breaks away, turns and runs
back into the house.
(CONTINtl!!Dl
4/24/84 80.
112 CONTINUED 112
ANGLE - BOOK
,,...._
looking after the boy, genuinely moved. After a
moment, he speaks softly:
BOOK
Same to you, Sam.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary On a peaceful night, Book sits on his porch when Samuel approaches him unexpectedly and offers a tight hug. Book is deeply moved by the boy's gesture and responds with affection, saying, "Same to you, Sam." This tender moment highlights the emotional bond between them, creating a sense of peace and connection.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and growth through the interaction between Book and Samuel, creating a poignant and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of vulnerability and emotional connection is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the theme of acceptance.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it contributes to the development of the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting emotional vulnerability and connection in the midst of challenging circumstances. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene allows for significant character development, particularly for Book and Samuel, showcasing their emotional growth and bond.

Character Changes: 8

Both Book and Samuel experience emotional growth and connection in the scene, leading to significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect emotionally with Samuel, as seen through his genuine reaction to Samuel's gesture of hugging him tightly.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and comfort in his interactions with Samuel, despite the challenging circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle tension between Book and Samuel's emotional barriers, the scene primarily focuses on connection and vulnerability.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, adding a layer of complexity to the protagonist's emotional journey.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional growth and connection rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene does not propel the main plot forward significantly, it enriches the character dynamics and emotional depth of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in the sense that the audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond to Samuel's gesture of affection.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to balance his emotions and responsibilities in the face of unexpected gestures of affection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the tender moment between Book and Samuel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt and authentic, effectively conveying the emotions and vulnerabilities of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and the subtle nuances in character interactions that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a poignant moment of connection between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional beats and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The description of Carter's broken body and the sound of the Amish prayer creates a dark and somber tone, which contrasts with the peaceful setting of the Amish farm in the next scene.
  • The emotional moment between Samuel and Book is touching, but could be further developed to deepen the connection between the characters.
  • There is a sense of vulnerability and tenderness in Book's response to Samuel, which adds depth to his character.
  • The scene effectively conveys a moment of genuine emotion and connection between Book and Samuel.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between scenes to maintain the narrative flow.
  • Explore ways to further develop the emotional moment between Samuel and Book to enhance the impact on the audience.
  • Continue to build on the vulnerability and tenderness in Book's character to create a more nuanced portrayal.
  • Ensure that the tone and atmosphere of the scene align with the overall themes and mood of the screenplay.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues or gestures to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.



Scene 32 -  Unspoken Longing
113 INT. BOOK'S ROOM - NIGHT • 113
He is lying in bed, awake, troubled, the ceiling
pretty well memorized. He gets up and moves to
the window--
,IE
ANGLE - BOOK'S POV
A faint light coming from the kitchen window.

I 113A INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRCASE - NIGHT • 113A

Book moves through the gloom down the stairs
I toward the kitchen.
I
' ,... 114 INT. LAPP WASHHOUSE - NIGHT
Where Rachel, dressed only in a plain cotton camiso·1e,
is pouring a pail of steaming water into a tub.
114



She repleces the pail on the stove, turns and slips out
of her camisole. Naked, she folds the garment across
the back of a chair. Then she pauses, containing a
startled intake of breath.
RACHEL'S POV - FRYING PAN
The gleaming bottom of a large copper skillet hanging
over the stove with other cookware, we can see Book'&
image reflected there, framed in the kitchen doorway.
(CONTINUED)




,

81,

( 114 CONTINUED: 114
,,,,,...
BACK TO SCENE
Rachel hesitates for a moment - and in that moment ■ he
makes a choice.
Slowly she turns, to face him, withcut shame, meeting
his eyes with pride, She's not offering herself,
He'll have to take her,

BOOK
as he stands in the doorway, willing himself to leave,
unable to make it happen,
'
And suddenly the moment has passed, Rachel lowers her
eyes, picks up the camisole, covers herself with it
without putting it on, looks away.

BOOK
TIGHT~N!NG to hi~, and,,,
CUT TO:
,,,,,...
llS EX":'. LA?? FAR.': - DAWN llS
REESTABLISHING, ••

116 ANGLE - HEN YARD 116
where Rachel is scattering feed to the chickens.
A beat, then Book approaches from behind her, A
moment, as ■ he senses hi ■ presence,
Book watches a• Rachel begin ■ to gather the eggs,
placing them in the fold of her apron.
When he ■ peaks, he ■ peak ■ softly, and she pause ■ in her
work.

Last night.
She goes very still, but keeps her back to him.
BOO!t
(continuing}
If ••• we'd made love, then, I
couldn' t leave.
(CONTINUED}
Rev. 6/i.2/84 · 82; .
. . •... ·~
· .·.83. ··'
I . 11'6 ·

,-... She lowers he= head slightly, but remains turned away
from him. Book continues to stare at her.

OMITTEP * 117

118 EXT, STRASB~RG STORE - DAY _118

It's a Saturdav afternoon in the tourist season, and
they're everywhere -- taking shots of anything Amish.
There's a ROWDY YCUNG ELEMENT amongst them who are
making their presence fast, and generally making a
nuisance of themselves.
Book and Eli get ou. of the buqgy. A huqh tourist
bus billowing smoke pulls ~p nearby.
Eli waits by the buggy but before Book can follow
he's stopped_ by a TOURIST LADY with an instamatic .
. . . camera;;;. She waggles 'the caine:rif at"1iilii';•. •:•· .., · ..... , ..
TOURIST LADY
Cc~lC ~--· at, yo~ know -- ?


(CONTINUED)
,-..




f


,-...
84.
..
· , .· .. . ....... :.. . . .,··: ;"' . .
...
,-.., I 118
BOOK
(smiling)
Lady, if you take my picture, I'll
rip your brassiere off and s~rar.gle
you with it.
The Tourist Lady stares at him in stunned disbelief,
her grin frozen on her face. Then she begins to
scuttle back from whence she came.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Book is troubled and unable to sleep, so he goes downstairs to the kitchen where he finds Rachel undressing. Rachel notices Book's reflection and faces him with pride. The next morning, Book tries to talk to Rachel about their encounter, but she remains silent and distant, leaving their feelings unresolved.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intimacy between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and emotional stakes. The dialogue and actions are engaging and reveal underlying emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of forbidden attraction and cultural clashes is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the characters and setting.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters' relationships evolve, introducing new dynamics and potential conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of forbidden love within a traditional community, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of emotions and motivations. The scene showcases their complexities and inner conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience subtle changes in their dynamics and emotions, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to resist temptation and maintain his moral integrity despite his attraction to Rachel. This reflects his deeper need for self-control and his fear of succumbing to desire.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to resist the temptation of engaging in a romantic relationship with Rachel, as it would conflict with his duty to leave the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Book and Eli, as well as internal conflicts within the characters regarding their desires and responsibilities.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and desires.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and relational stakes are significant for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationships between the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's internal struggle is uncertain, keeping the audience engaged and curious.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for love and connection with Rachel and his commitment to his responsibilities and beliefs within the Amish community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, desire, and vulnerability, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and desires effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates suspense and emotional tension through the characters' interactions and the unfolding of the protagonist's internal conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through slow, deliberate actions and character reactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Book being troubled and unable to sleep, which sets a somber tone for the interaction that follows.
  • The moment where Rachel undresses in front of Book is a pivotal moment of tension and choice, but the resolution feels somewhat anticlimactic.
  • The dynamic between Book and Rachel is complex, with unspoken emotions and desires at play, but the scene could benefit from more depth and exploration of their relationship.
  • The dialogue between Book and Rachel is sparse but impactful, conveying a sense of longing and restraint.
  • The visual imagery of Rachel undressing and Book's reflection in the frying pan adds a layer of symbolism to the scene, highlighting the internal conflict and desire between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional depth to Book's character to further explore his conflicted feelings.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Book and Rachel to delve deeper into their unspoken connection and the tension between them.
  • Explore the aftermath of this intimate moment in the following scenes to show the impact it has on their relationship and the unfolding story.
  • Consider incorporating more visual cues or symbolism to enhance the emotional depth of the scene and convey the characters' inner turmoil.
  • Focus on building the emotional tension and stakes in the scene to create a more impactful and memorable moment between Book and Rachel.



Scene 33 -  Confrontation at Groffdale General Store
119 EXT. STORE 119 *
Book is standing at a wall pay phone on the veranda.
We TIGHTEN to him, and~ ..

BOOK
Lieutenar.t Elton Carter, ?lease.
A beat, then we hear the FILTER.ED VOICE of t.~e
·Philadelphia· Police· Department switchboard: -
VO!CE
Are you a member o: the family?
BOOK
,-.. Wtat? I'm a f=ienC cf his.
VOICE
I'm sorry but Ser9eant Carter
was killed last night in the

line of duty.
Book hangs up. His breathing is thrown out by the
shock o! the news and he takes a couple of deep breaths
to regain control. He hesitates, unsure of his next.
move. He makes to move away, then he turns back, finds
more coins and dials a second number.

119A INT. HALLWAY, SCHAEFFER'S HOME - DAY ll9A
Schaeffer's wife answers the phone: she is momentarily
shocked. She calls for her husband, then makes polite
conversation.
MRS. SCHAEFFER ..
How are you, John?
(CONTINUED)

,-..,'
85,
ll9A CON'TINUED: ll9A
,.._ Paul Schaeffer appears, slightly irritated at being
called away from the Saturday afternoon game,
MRS, SCHAEFFER
(covering mouthpiece)
John Book!
SCHAEFFER
I'll take it in the study.

ll9B INT, STUDY/STORE - DAY ll9B
Schaeffer takes.~he phone.
SCHP.UFER
You can hang up, dear,
We hear the CLICK OF 'l'HE O'l'BER PHONE,
BOOK
Hello, Paul.
SCHAEFFER
(laughing)
I like your style John, you always
,.._ had a lot of style, Boy oh boy,
calling me at home, I can't run a
trace on the call, that's what I
call "style,•
He's talking· fast and laughing a lot but the sound of
John Book's voice is like a voice from the grave, and
it's thrawn him into a panic which he'• only just
managing to control. He's afraid for the first time in
many years.
BOOK
Lost the meaning did you, Paul?
SCHAEFFER
What?
. BOOK
Isn't that what.you used to say
about dirty cops? Somewhere along
the way they lost the meaning.
SCHAEFFER
0
Come in, John, Don't make it
difficult. We're close, We know
( where you are, we're about •••
,,..., (CONTINUED l
.. Rev. o/l.2/84

,,,....i
lllB.
1COX
(c:att!n9 in)
Nol Yci: 9ot it wrong. ?'= c0111in9
after you. I'= 9oir.9 to cut you:
throat like you did to zenO'fitch
and whatever ycu did to Carter.
i•m 9~ir.9 to do t.'lat too, l'm
9oing to fucking •••
The line goes dead. lcok registers this.
·.COllt
(continuing)
l'm 9oin9 to •••
*
BCOk bas 9:ipped t.'le phone so ti9htly it takes a NCOnd
to unclench his fist, then it takes aoaethin9 to resist
bis f~st impluse, which is to --•h aomethin9. 'frain•
in9. Get it under control. Dea1·-ra1:ionally ·with the · - '· ••,;.•. ··' ··
situation. Be st:ai9htens his ,acket, wipes the sweat/
tears f:c: his eyes, turns ar.d walks stiffly away from the
Groffdal1 G•ne:al Store.
,,,,...l · 120
120 CM••• :S:::l

1.21 •121
122
Eli vonde-rs at leek'• changed mood hat knows that •
it's not for hi~ to ask ahout it. Be stares st:aight
ahead,•••=- oblivioas to the surroundings of th•
street c:awlin9 with tourist and traffic.

122A EX'l'. IWUlCW l~E l'fUE'l', S'!''RASBORG • DAY 122A
'fbe bu99y turns into the aide atrNt. SOiie hundred
yards ahead another bu99y is stopped ln the lliddl• of
\Ile road - several youths 9athered abOllt it. A pickup
truck is also ■ topped, facin9 the buggy.

12D in. r.An IOGCY • DAY 1221
a■ Eli approach•• the scene, slowi.'\g down u4 tinal• · *
ly ■topping. He is puzzled - then it is suddenly
apparent wbat is 9oin9 on. lt happens from tiae to
,(- tiae to the Amish. 'fbrN ~th• bn• ■ topped th• laUflY
and are bavin9 a bit of •fun• with the oonvioleat Aaish
in the lau9;y, indulging in a little aockecy. Tbe bu99y
is that of Danial Hochleitner.
(COlffl~)
(
. Rev... 6 /l2 /.84
'••· .:.... . ..
:. ..,
·- -·ua
.
'·•

.
l':li puts a :11trainin; ha~ en Bock 1 1 a:=.
E!.::
~o nct:iin;. T~ia happ1n1 f=c:n
ti::11 to ti:a.
Sha aanaaa hi::I abcut to get out, grip1 hia arm tightly •
ELI
.
(ccntinuing)
It'a net cur way, Book. We'll
have ncthir.g to do with violancal
.7cbnl
leek 1hak11 fr••• geu cut and 1lcvly valka toward the


122C EX'!'. HCCELEITNER'SBUGGY - ~A7 • 122c
- llochleitnar Am hia fa:sily ait, _illllla1aiv1, igno;i:lg
va:iou1 jeers and taunt• frc:i the !ngliah lada - · " · · ·· · -
various jck•• a:cut them being dirt7 ate. Ona jab1 an
ice c:aa:1 cone into Zcch1tatl1r•a fo:ahaad, which
leaves a cu:ic-Js white circle en hi.I fc:ahaad. A:2etbe:
feels ccut wit~ t.~• hc:11 causing it to aby. A third
,... notices t~e ale~.•, •u=•• app:cach cf .7Chn leek.
Yetml
Bara===•• ar.otha: Penguinl
Beck stop1, his path blccked by·tba third youth. The
ycut.~ flicks cff Beck's hat.
10011:
(quietly)
You're making a miatake.
Hochleitner calla f:cm bia buggy. *
HOCHLEITNER
Zvaryt.~ing 11 alright, .7obn.
.
100K
(to tba youth)
Piek up the bat.
ft• youth momentarily unau:e - acmathing about look' a
tone of 'ICica. Th• ycuth dcaa pic:k up the hat, cRm-
pla• it, atampa en it, and puta it back at a c:ra1y
angle on Jcok'a head. A pauaa, than 100k asplod•••
( (CON'l'llltm) l

,...
rev. 6/12/84
...

., . ··••·122c .......

The kid never kt;ew what bi::I er where it c:a=e frc:m, ii•
hita tl:le read au:face already unccnacicua. A aeccnd
ycutl:I 9rabs !eek f:c:i behind. A miatake, Beck ia
aaabint into bi::I, · a;iatter• cf bleed f.rcm bi• DCN O.y•
Lag in all directicns, Be's bittin9 to bard, toe •
cften. %t'• Scbaef!er be'a bitting. ~ochleitner is *
pulling bi:1 away, Eli la tl:lere tee. A c::owd ia
9atl:lering, but aa a.uddenly aa it began it'• over. leek
ah&kea Hochleitner of! bim, at:aighten• bi• bat, and in
a kind cf da:e, Eli lea~s him back to the bu~qy. *
Tb• ycutha are picking up tbel: IIOllnded, belpln9 tbea
back to their truck, aided by none other tban Boc:b•
atetler, An 0%.l) LCO\L addr••••• Jlacbel.
L0CAL MA.-;
Never •••n antbi.~9 like it in all
rrJ yearal
···· BOCHLEITNER , * ... .:
(cove:in;l
·ae •s fr::i ••• Chio, •• My cousin.
LOC::.:. MA.-;
We' U, the:11 Ohio Amish aure must·
be di:!1:1nt.
(addresses a gath-
erir-9 crowd)
Arcund ber• t.~e Breth:an don't
have anything like that kind of
fi.;ht in them.
POCHLE:IT1'1ER *
Jchn, lost c:ntrol cf bimelf,
Be ••• will be repentant.
LOCAL MAN
That's Eli La~P, isn't it? *



A second man calls frcm the ,ickup.
ncow MAN
lid'•-·· ia brokenl
1,CC.\%, Do.~
We' U take bill up tbe boapital.
Geed-day to ycu, ,..r. Lapp. *
(MOIZ)
Rev. 6/13/S~ 89.
89A~·
-~: ·.::, .·: ....... _: .•. .89~
.... ,, . ...
·-
·, .. ·12°2C . :
•·· .. · .

,... ' ..
LOCAL MA.~ (CONT'D)
(he shcu~s after her)
This ain't geed fer the tourist
trade, you knew! Ye~ tell that
tc your Ohio cousin!
But Rachel is already stee:ing past the scene and
fellowing the by now distant figure of John Book.

123 123

124 OMITTED 124.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary John Book learns of the death of his friend, Lieutenant Elton Carter, and confronts corrupt police officer Paul Schaeffer, suspecting his involvement. Schaeffer fears for his life as Book threatens him. Amidst the chaos, Book intervenes in an altercation between Amish men, aided by Eli Lapp. The scene climaxes with the arrival of the local police.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of tension, emotion, and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a clash between modern law enforcement and traditional Amish values is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of conflict and the revelation of John Book's true nature.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of corruption and justice, blending elements of crime drama with a rural setting and Amish characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and their interactions drive the scene forward effectively.

Character Changes: 8

John Book undergoes a significant change in this scene, revealing more about his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront Paul Schaeffer about his involvement in corrupt activities and seek justice for the death of Sergeant Carter. This reflects Book's desire for truth and justice, as well as his fear of the consequences of his actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information and evidence against Paul Schaeffer to bring him to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge Book is facing in uncovering the truth and seeking retribution for the death of Sergeant Carter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John Book and the Amish community is intense and drives the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions. The obstacles and challenges faced by the protagonist create uncertainty and tension, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with physical violence and emotional confrontations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening character relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The escalating conflict and moral dilemmas keep the audience on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of honesty and corruption. Book represents honesty and justice, while Schaeffer embodies corruption and deceit. This challenges Book's beliefs in the inherent goodness of people and the importance of upholding the law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, especially with the physical altercation and emotional confrontations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the tensions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, high stakes, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome, creating a sense of suspense and drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective in conveying the mood and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, contributing to the overall pacing and rhythm of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Book receiving shocking news of his friend's death, but the emotional impact of this news could be further explored to deepen the audience's connection with Book's character.
  • The dialogue between Book and Schaeffer is tense and filled with underlying tension, but it could benefit from more subtlety and nuance to convey the complex emotions at play.
  • The sudden shift to a physical altercation between Book and the Amish men feels abrupt and disconnected from the initial emotional setup of the scene, making the transition feel jarring.
  • The introduction of Cox as a threatening character adds an element of danger, but the resolution of this threat feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion.
  • The scene ends with Rachel following Book, but the transition between the different interactions and locations could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into Book's emotional response to the news of his friend's death to create a more impactful and resonant moment for the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue between Book and Schaeffer to add layers of complexity and subtlety to their interaction, enhancing the tension and intrigue of the scene.
  • Work on creating a more seamless transition between the different elements of the scene, such as the emotional setup, the physical altercation, and the introduction of Cox, to ensure a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Develop the resolution of the threat posed by Cox to provide a more satisfying conclusion to this subplot and maintain the suspense and stakes of the scene.
  • Focus on improving the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smooth and engaging progression of events, especially in the transitions between different character interactions and locations.



Scene 34 -  Dangerous Arrival
125 INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON 125
Samuel plays with a wooden toy at the kitchen table.
Rachel move~ .. alo~~y to _tlle •~~ an~ be_gi~s washing
a few dishes. She looks out the winacw. CLOSE on
he: face, a stra~ge expression.



,... 12€ 126
The distant figure cf Book and Eli working on the
birdhouse. Eli walks toward the house.

127 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER 127
Rachel lights the lamps. Eli enters.
RACHEL *
Be's leaving, isn't he?
ELI *
Yes. Tomorrow morning. He'll
need his city clothes.
RACHEL *
But why? What's he going back
to? Nothing.
ELI
He's going back to his world.
*
It's where he belongs -- he
( knows that ••• and you know it.

,...
Rev. 6/13/84 9·0.
.
·. •.·... ·.•-:. .... .•. ..
,

A-128- ·'
As Book works o~ the birdhouse.

126 EXT. DRIVEWAY - OCSK 128
In the rapidly facinc light, Rachel walks slowly tow:rd
Book. CLCSE on her face, staring straight ahead toward
Book. ANGLE on Book, CLOSE. He turns and watches
Rachel's approach.
BIG WIDE A,.'lGLE
The light now nearly gone, the NIGHT SOUNDS beginning,
as Rachel reaches Book and they emtlrace •




. • • ,i••
., u, .,.. . •·




l
91.

(
129 Z~T. F!~~D SY RO~D - NIGHT · 129

Book and Rachel in a passionate embrace, sink to the
still warm eart:-, an! make love.




131 EXT. RURAr. LANE/LAP? DRIVE - DAWN
A large green sedan approaches along a lane, turns into
the Lapp driveway and stops on a ridge overlooking the
farmhouse. Three -n get out of the car and aurvey 'the
scene. All is still-and quiet.
The car is backed up out of sight. From the truck McFee
and Fergie take out short-barrelled 12 gauge shotguns.
The two spread out as they begin the long walk down
the driveway ••• figures of Olllinous intent atriding
through the misty dawn.




,,,..,




0

I

91A •

• 132
Rachel is alone,- preparing bre.:ikfast when the door is
kicked open and MeFee and Fergie enter. She turns, is
about to scream, when Schaeffer enters.
SCHAEFFER
Not a sound! It's Book we want •••
we won't harm your boy.
(He turns to Fergiel
Cheek out the rest of the house.
(He turns back to Rachell
Where is he?
RACHEL
I ••• wh,t •• ,do you •••
She is shaking so much she can hardly get the words
out. Schaeffer smiles kindly.
SCHAEFFER
It's alright, Come on, sit down. ·
There we are.
He leads her to a chair. Her face is drained of blood,
her eyes starir.g at Schaeffer.

133 • l3~
Eli approaches the kitchen from the direction of the
barn, a pail of milk in each hand.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Samuel plays with a wooden toy while Rachel washes dishes and discusses Book leaving with Eli. Rachel lights the lamps as Eli enters. Rachel embraces Book in the driveway and they make love in the field. Suddenly, a car with armed men, led by Schaeffer, arrives at the farmhouse looking for Book, causing fear and tension for Rachel.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • Strong character development
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with a mix of romance, tension, and danger that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of forbidden love, danger, and betrayal is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the arrival of McFee and Fergie, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of separation and longing but adds a unique twist with the idea of returning to one's 'world'. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their emotional truth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Book and Rachel, show depth and emotion in their interactions, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

Book and Rachel's relationship evolves significantly in this scene, deepening their connection and changing their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand why the other character is leaving and what their departure means for their relationship. This reflects the protagonist's fear of abandonment and desire for stability and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the other character from leaving and to understand the reasons behind their departure. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with separation and uncertainty.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book, Rachel, Schaeffer, and the arrival of McFee and Fergie creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the arrival of the antagonists creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the arrival of McFee and Fergie, putting the characters in danger and adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening relationships, and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden arrival of the antagonists and the unexpected turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of belonging and returning to one's 'world'. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about where they belong and what defines their sense of home.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially with the passionate embrace between Book and Rachel and the impending danger.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and the characters' compelling interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment of conflict and revelation, with a clear buildup and resolution.


Critique
  • The transition from Samuel playing with a wooden toy to Rachel washing dishes and looking out the window is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection.
  • The dialogue between Rachel and Eli about Book leaving feels forced and lacks depth in exploring their emotions and motivations.
  • The scene where Rachel and Book embrace in the driveway lacks emotional buildup and feels rushed.
  • The sudden shift to a passionate embrace and lovemaking between Book and Rachel feels out of place and lacks proper development.
  • The introduction of McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer entering the scene feels sudden and lacks proper setup or context.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more transitional elements between scenes to create a smoother flow of events.
  • Develop the dialogue between Rachel and Eli to delve deeper into their conflicting emotions and provide more insight into their characters.
  • Build up the emotional tension between Rachel and Book before their embrace to make the moment more impactful and believable.
  • Provide more context and development for the sudden shift to a passionate embrace and lovemaking to make it feel more organic to the story.
  • Introduce McFee, Fergie, and Schaeffer in a more gradual and coherent manner to avoid a jarring introduction of new characters.



Scene 35 -  Eli's Attack
134 INT. KI':'CEEN - OA~l * 134
Schaeffer has spotted Eli. He turns to Rachel.
SCHAEFFER
Is he in the barn?

135 EXT. HOUSE - DAWN * 135
Eli stops as MeFee steps out of the front door of
the house. Eli lodks toward the kitchen where he
sees Schaeffer framed in the doorway. He turns to-
ward the barn and shouts.
ELI
Book!
McFee is too late, and the old man has uttered his
cry of warning just before the blow strikes him. Be
staggers, drops the milk, blood streaming from a head
wound.
(Continued)
Rev. 6/12/64 ·92.
...... . .. :··.• .·. •.....: ... :
( .•. i32
•.· .. '




,-..
133
With the =~rst :i;ht cf dawr. on the eastern horizon,
Schaeffer's ear approaches along the lane, pulls into
the Lapp d:ivewa;· and ee:nes to a halt.
In the b.g. we ean make out the farmhouse and
oi.:tbuildings.
HOLD as Sehae:fe:, and MeFee step out of the ea:.
They break out short-barreled twelve-gauge pumps, &ta:t
TOWARD CAMERA, spreading out as they turn up the long
driveway •.. figures of-ominous intent striding through
the 1:1isty dawn.

134 IN~. KITCF.E~ - DAWN 134
Eli works in the kitchen p~eparing a he~~ty Amish ..
breaidast.

135
,.... Rachel, Seek an:: Sa::...ie:. a:e finishing up the 1:10:ning
~i:~i:--.g.

136 136
The kitchen doc: is kicked open and McFee and
Schaeffer, guns down, burst in. Eli stares at them in
a state of complete shock.
SCHAEFFER
Cheek out the rest of the house.
He holsters his weapon, turns to Eli who still stands
in the middle of the room, holding a plate of serapple.
(CONTINt:ED)




,,,...I
93.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Eli is attacked by Schaeffer while working in his kitchen. McFee arrives too late to prevent the attack, and Eli is left bleeding from a head wound.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-paced, and sets up a significant conflict that will likely have repercussions in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation between Book and the antagonists at the Lapp farm is crucial for the development of the plot and the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the conflict between Book, McFee, and Schaeffer, adding tension and raising the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of protecting one's family, with unique cultural and societal elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination, fear, and shock, adding depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show resilience and determination in the face of danger, hinting at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and community from outside threats. This reflects his deeper need for security and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend his home and loved ones from intruders. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining safety in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book, McFee, and Schaeffer is intense and sets the stage for further confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a significant threat that adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the threat of violence and danger looming over the characters, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden intrusion and violent confrontation, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's peaceful beliefs and the violent actions required to protect his family. This challenges his values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and determination in the characters and the audience, creating an emotional connection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere and high stakes. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations and actions, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
  • The introduction of Schaeffer and McFee bursting into the kitchen feels abrupt and lacks proper build-up or tension.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Eli dropping the milk and Schaeffer holding a plate of scrapple, seem disconnected from the overall tone and conflict of the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in this scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and detailed to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context and transitions to clearly establish the flow of the scene from one location to another.
  • Build up the tension and suspense leading to the moment when Schaeffer and McFee burst into the kitchen to create a more impactful and engaging scene.
  • Ensure that the actions and reactions of the characters align with the overall tone and conflict of the scene to maintain consistency.
  • Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters, especially Eli and Rachel, to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting that enhances the overall impact of the scene.



Scene 36 -  Hide-and-Seek in the Barn
140 INT. BARN, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 140
Book atte~pts to start Elaine's ear but it refuses
to come to life.· He swears under his breath as
he tries again.

141 EXT. BARN, OCTSIDE UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 141
Fergie moves along the side of the barn.


142 EXT. BARN, LO~ER LEVEL - DAY * 142
Mcree walks around the outside of the lower level,
looking for an entrance. He 1·s treading carefully,
anxious not to get.~ny muck on his very shiny shoes.

INT. BAR::, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 143
Book again tries to start the car.

...
l ' . EXT. BA~N, C??ER LEVEL - DAY * 144
Fergie he3rs the sound of the staI"ter motor and runs
towarc a doer tc the upper level.

145 * 145
Fergie approaches the car, his gun levelled. He
peers into the car, no sign of Book.


146 !NT. TRA? DOOR, UPPER LEVEL - DAY * 146
At the rear of the car not ten feet from where
Fergie stands, a trapdoor hatch settles back into
place.
147 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 147
Book opens a number of cattle pens, quietly prodding
the cows out into the walkway. He looks about him,
desperately trying to work out his next move.
REV. 6/11/84 94.


148 INT. BARN, UPPER LEVEL - OAY * 148
,... Fergie finds a trapdoor and after looking carefully
below, he slowly descends.

149 INT. LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 149
Fergie climbs down, his eyes peering about him in
the gloom. A goat stares at him, then a cow moves
behind him and Fergie swings around, his gun at the
ready. He moves toward the workshop, pushes the door
open--no Book. He then pushes his way past a cow
toward the western end of the barn. He hears an
echoing sound, seemingly from behind him. He walks
back toward a grain silo near ..the eastern end.

150 !X~. DOOR OF GRAIN SILO, LOWER LEVEL BARN * 150
Fergie pauses outside the hatch leading into the
silo. It is a low and narrow opening. The door
is open part-way. Fergie carefully pushes it open.

151 * 151

,,,.. Eook is near th~ toe of a metal ladder concealed in
a long shaft, attached to the outsi~~ of the silo.
His face is covered with sweat and dust as he looks
down below hi:::.

152 BOOK'S P.O.V. * 152
Below hi~, the top of rergie'shead and shoulders.
Should he look up, Book will die like a rat in a
trap. He watches, tense, as Fergie steps inside the
silo.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a desolate barn, Book's attempt to start a car fails. Fergie circles the barn while Mcree searches for an entrance below. The sound of the starter motor leads Fergie to the car, but Book escapes through a trapdoor, hiding from Fergie's sight. Fergie's search continues, with a tense confrontation in the dimly lit lower level, where he discovers a workshop and grain silo. Meanwhile, Book remains concealed within the grain silo, his face etched with desperation as Fergie's presence intensifies the suspense.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the use of the hidden trapdoor and the cat-and-mouse game between Book and Fergie. The high-stakes confrontation keeps the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hidden trapdoor in a barn setting adds an element of surprise and danger to the scene. The use of the grain silo as a hiding spot creates a unique and intense situation for the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Book tries to evade Fergie and find a way to escape. The tension between the characters escalates, leading to a climactic confrontation in the barn. The scene keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the classic pursuit and evasion scenario, with unique elements such as the barn setting and the use of livestock as obstacles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Book's determination and resourcefulness are highlighted as he navigates the dangerous situation with Fergie. Fergie's cautious and methodical approach adds to the suspense of the scene. The characters' actions drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 6

Book's determination and resourcefulness are tested in the scene as he faces a life-threatening situation. Fergie's cautious approach and methodical search show a different side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to evade capture and outsmart their pursuer. This reflects their fear of being caught and their desire to escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being captured by the antagonist and find a way to escape the barn. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book and Fergie is intense and high-stakes, with both characters vying for control in a dangerous situation. The suspenseful atmosphere heightens the conflict and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist's pursuit creating a sense of danger and urgency for the protagonist. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes confrontation between Book and Fergie raises the tension and suspense in the scene. The characters' lives are on the line, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by placing Book in a dangerous situation and forcing him to confront Fergie. The outcome of the confrontation will likely have significant implications for the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the uncertain outcome of the pursuit.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for freedom and the antagonist's pursuit of control and capture. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in autonomy and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience as they witness the dangerous confrontation between Book and Fergie. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' expressions and actions.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and intentions. The tension is mainly built through the characters' actions and expressions rather than dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggle and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and suspense that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and logical progression, with each action leading to the next in a suspenseful manner. The formatting is consistent with the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps between different levels of the barn without a cohesive narrative thread.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Book attempting to start the car and Fergie moving around the barn, feel disconnected and do not contribute to the overall progression of the story.
  • There is a lack of tension and suspense in the scene, as the movements of the characters do not build towards a climactic moment or resolution.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but do not effectively convey the mood or atmosphere of the scene, leaving the reader with a sense of confusion and disorientation.
  • The dialogue is non-existent in this scene, which could have been used to provide insight into the characters' motivations and emotions.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a specific goal or conflict for the characters in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Streamline the actions of the characters to create a more coherent and engaging sequence of events.
  • Introduce dialogue or inner thoughts to provide depth to the characters and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Consider adding more visual cues and descriptive language to set the mood and tone of the scene, creating a more immersive reading experience.
  • Ensure that each action and movement in the scene contributes to the overall story arc and helps to advance the plot towards a resolution.



Scene 37 -  Fergie's Demise in the Silo
153 INT. SILO * 153
Fergie enters, looks up. He sees a trap door in
a wooden floor, far above him. He turns to leave.

154 INT. SHAFT ~ 154
Book.can also see Fergie over the inner edge of the
shaft. He sweeps a few grains of wheat off a ledge
as he reaches into the silo.
Rev. 6/ll/84 95.

( 155 INT. S!LO * 155
Fergie hesitates as something falls bezide him. He
looks up to see Book's arm stretching out from his
hiding place toward some unseen object inside the top
of the silo. He raises his gun to fire.

156 INT. SHAFT/SILO * 156
Book grabs hold of a lever and presses it down.

157 INT. SILO * 157
Fergie fires at the sar:te momen.t as the trap door
opens on the plat:.:o·r:n above him, and grain rushes into
the silo with a gre3t rearing sound. A golden shower
falls onto Fergie, momentarily blinding him, then
knocking hir:t off his feet. He staggers back up, firing
wildly. The deadly grain continues to fall, filling
the lower silo with a fine dust.

156 * 158
Sc!-.3.effer, sweatir:g, stares toward the barn and the
strar:ge echoing sound of Fergie's "shots.

-
1 :,-o EX:. FIEL~S - DAY * 159
Sa~uel too has heard the blasts and he stops, turns,
and looks back down toward the farm.

160 IN:. BAR~, UPPER LEVEL * 160
McFee running into the barn past Book's car. He
finds the trap door and descends.

161 INT. SILO * 161
Fergie gasps and coughs as he struggles to open the
small door by which he entered, but the falling wheat
has sealed it.

162 INT. LADDER, SILO .• 162

Close on Book, the wheat moving in a shower past his
I' face.
Rev. 6/11/84 96.


163 I~T. SILO
. 163
Fergie is being ~uried alive in the wheat which
is now up to his shoulders. He struggles to
keep his head above the rising tide, but every move
he .makes onl}· causes hi:n to sink deeper.

164 INT. BAR:S, LOKER LEVEL . 164
McFee for=ing his way past alarmed cattle toward
the silo.

165 I:-:T. SILO * 165
Fergie's arm is all that can be
seen, as it waves
about, a few seconds before it too is buried. The
wheat fall slows to a trickle and suddenly all is
silent.

166 EX':". s:::..o * 166

~cFee 3~rives at silo door, he looks up to the
sha:-:. above hir.-.,.


* 167

The shaft is err.pty.

168 IXT./EXT. KITCHE~ - DAY * 168
Schaeffer crosses the kitchen to the door, and steps,
outside. He moves several paces from the kitchen and
shouts for McFee. Rachel watches him then moves from
the table watched bv Eli. She crosses to a kitchen
cupboard, and with a
glance in .Schaeffer's direction
opens the cupboard and takes out Book's revolver. Her
tre~.bling hands take the bullets from their hiding
place. She drops several as she attempts to load it.
Eli stares at her in horror. He moves rapidly to her
side, his face pleading.
ELI
No, Rachel.
Rachel struggles with the gun trying to find a way to
~pen and load it.
R!!v. 6/11/84 97.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Fergie enters the silo, unaware of Book's presence above. Book triggers a trap door, unleashing a torrent of grain that buries Fergie alive. McFee arrives to find the culprit escaped.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be repetitive or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, with a strong mix of tension, emotion, and action. The confrontation in the silo adds depth to the characters and advances the plot effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown in a silo adds a unique and intense element to the scene, showcasing the characters' strengths and vulnerabilities.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves forward effectively, especially with the introduction of high stakes and conflict in the silo showdown.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and intense situation of being buried alive in a silo, which adds a fresh and suspenseful element to the story. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the high-stakes atmosphere of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and show depth in their interactions, especially in moments of tension and emotion.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes, especially in their relationships and dynamics, as they navigate the challenges and conflicts in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival. Fergie is struggling to keep his head above the rising tide of wheat and escape being buried alive. This reflects his fear of death and desire to stay alive.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the silo and the deadly grain. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the danger he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, especially during the showdown in the silo, creating tension and suspense for the characters and the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a life-threatening situation and must overcome significant obstacles to survive. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, especially during the showdown in the silo, where the characters' lives are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's survival is uncertain, adding tension and suspense to the narrative. The unexpected events and obstacles keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between life and death evident in this scene. Fergie's struggle to survive and escape being buried alive challenges his beliefs about mortality and the value of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in moments of sadness, anger, and fear, as the characters face intense situations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and drives the scene forward, especially in conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and suspenseful pacing. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's desperate struggle for survival and the danger he faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of danger and conflict. The rhythm of the action sequences and the rising stakes contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character descriptions. The visual elements are well-described and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of danger and conflict. The pacing and formatting align with the genre's expectations for an action-packed sequence.


Critique
  • The scene in the silo is intense and suspenseful, with a good use of visual elements to create tension and excitement.
  • The action sequences are well-described, with clear and vivid imagery that helps the reader visualize the events unfolding.
  • The conflict between Book and Fergie is engaging, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development to make the stakes feel higher.
  • The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and characters, maintaining a sense of continuity and flow.
  • The use of sound, such as the rearing sound of the falling grain, adds to the atmosphere and tension of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for Book and Fergie to deepen their characters and make the conflict more personal.
  • Explore the relationship between Book and Fergie further to enhance the emotional impact of their confrontation.
  • Provide more context or backstory to explain the motivations and actions of the characters in the scene.
  • Consider incorporating dialogue or interactions between Book and Fergie to add depth to their dynamic and create more tension.
  • Continue to build suspense and anticipation leading up to the climax of the scene to keep the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.



Scene 38 -  Hostage Situation
169 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 169
Schaeffer glances back toward the kitch~n but apart
from aeeing Rachel and Eli near the kitchen cupboard,
realizes nothing of what is happening. He looks
back toward the barn.

170 INT. KITCHEN • 170

Rachel manages to unlock the chamber of the weapon
and begins inserting the bullets. Eli places his
hands gently on her shoulders.
ELI (whispers)
We must -f..i.nd another way.
Rachel looks up at him.
RACHEL
What other way?
She looks doi-·n a~ the aun, then out toward Schaeffer,
or rather his back which offers a tempting target.

171 EXT. K!TCP.E~ * 171
,-.. Schaeffer still looks toward the barn. Again th~
calls for McFee. The lower door to the barn opens
and McFee steps out. High above on the ridge of the
barn roof, Book appears momentarily silouhetted
against the sky line. Schaeffer shouts and McFee
runs back, gets away a blast but Book has gone. McFee
hurries back inside th~ barn.

172 INT. KITCHEN * 172
Rachel looks again to the gun in her hand, before
slowly laying it down on the edge of the kitchen sink.
Eli folds her into his arms, when softly a voice calls.
SAM o/s
Papa.
Eli, still holding Rachel, looks toward the spring
room. There, in the shadows atands Samuel. Rachel
turns, is about to cry out when Eli covers her
mouth. He motions for Samuel to stay where he is.
Schaeffer comes back to the kitchen door and orders
them outside. Trying not to look in Samuel's direction
they move toward the kitchen door. Rachel follows
,-.. Schaeffer outside, Eli hesitates at the door hia attention
caught by the sight of the bell-rope hanging outside thte
kitchen window. He looks back to the spring room.

(CONTINUED)
R.ev. 6/11/84 98.


( CONTINUED *
,... 172 Samuel is there, watching. As Schaeffer calls again 172
to him, Eli points the rope out to Samuel and mimes
pulling it. _Then he steps quickly out to join Rachel
and Schaeffer, who has now drawn his own service pistol.

173 EX'!'. KITCH£?; * 173
Schaeffer walks behind his hostages toward the
barn.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Rachel unlocks and loads a gun but is persuaded by Eli to put it down. Samuel appears and Eli signals him to pull the bell-rope. Eli, Rachel, and Schaeffer exit the kitchen, with Schaeffer holding them hostage and pointing a gun at them.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal to the plot, with strong character dynamics and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of betrayal, loyalty, and sacrifice is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with tension building throughout the scene and leading to a climactic confrontation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of family loyalty and conflict resolution in a dangerous situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex relationships and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations during the scene, deepening their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid violence and keep his family safe from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of being held hostage and threatened with a weapon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the stakes escalating.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of violence and the characters' conflicting goals creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters' lives and relationships on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of the hostage situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between using violence to protect loved ones and finding a non-violent solution to conflict. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the use of force in dangerous situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and emotional, revealing the characters' inner conflicts and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It is not clear why Rachel is unlocking and loading the gun, and why Eli is trying to stop her.
  • The tension and suspense in the scene could be heightened by providing more context and background information on the characters' relationships and the overall situation.
  • The visual descriptions are lacking in detail, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the scene and understand the characters' movements and interactions.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not effectively convey the emotions and intentions of the characters.
  • The transition between the kitchen and the exterior setting could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Provide more insight into Rachel and Eli's relationship and their reasons for their actions in the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
  • Add more dialogue to clarify the characters' thoughts and emotions, as well as to drive the plot forward.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the pacing and flow, ensuring a seamless transition between the indoor and outdoor settings.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense by revealing more about Schaeffer's intentions and the imminent danger faced by the characters.



Scene 39 -  Clash at the Farm
174 INT. KITCHEN * 174
Samuel slowly walks toward the window, and stares at
the swaying bell-rope. Then he sees the gun on the
edge of the sink. He moves toward it.

175 INT. KITCHEN * 175
Close on the gun, as Samuel approaches.

176 INT. BARN UPPER LEVEL * 176
,... Book moving among the rafters. McFee spots him.
Before he can fire Book drops down behind a buggy.
McFee fires into the buggy virtually demolishing
it. He moves forward to see if he hit his man.
He sees yet another open trap door through which
Book has escaped.

177 INT. WOODWORK SHOP, BARN - DAY * 177
Book grabs a hammer from the workshop bench and
hurries out.

178 EXT. SILO DOOR, BARN - DAY * 178
Book bashes at the hinge of the silo door.

179 INT. UPPER BARN - DAY • 179
McFee hears the sound, hurries down the laddor.


,...
Rev. 6/11/84 99.

{ EXT. BAR.'l - DAY
180 * 180
,-...
Schaeffer, Eli and Rac~el approach the upper barn.

181 EXT./INT. SILO DOOR * 181
Book has got the door off its hinges and is frantic-
ally digging in the wheat for Fergies weapon. He
exposes part of the body, then continues digging.

182 INT. LOWER BARN - DAY * 182
Mc~ee moves toward the silo.

183 EXT./:::!,T. SILO - DAY * 183
Book finds Fergie's shotgun, opens it to find it
empty. He searches the pockets of the corpse to
find extra shells which he slams in the breach.
He turns, and begins moving as McFee approaches. It's
mom~ntarily like the old west as the two men approach
each other. They both raise their weapons but Book
is faster and the charge from the shotgun blows
McFee back six-feet before he crashes to the barn
iloor. Book moves toward the body. He looks up
to see Rachel and Eli, Schaeffer behind them, a
gun to Rachel's head.
SCHAEFFER
Put it down, Book.
Easy.
It is at this moment they hear it, the lonely sound
of a tolling bell.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Samuel retrieves a gun while Book confronts McFee in the barn. Book shoots McFee, and Schaeffer threatens Rachel. A bell tolls as the scene concludes.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the action sequence
  • Slight predictability in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and action. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its high stakes and dramatic confrontations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown at the barn is executed well, with intense action and emotional depth. The scene effectively combines elements of drama, action, and thriller genres.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the conflict escalating to a climax. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up the next stage of the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic showdown between the protagonist and antagonist, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the conflict.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations drive the scene forward. Book, McFee, Rachel, and Eli all play crucial roles in the confrontation.

Character Changes: 7

Book undergoes a transformation as he faces McFee and fights for survival. His actions and decisions in the scene shape his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and those he cares about from the antagonist. This reflects his deeper need for survival and the fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to outsmart and defeat the antagonist, McFee, in a life-threatening situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to overcome it to ensure his safety and the safety of others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral stakes at play. The tension between the characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing formidable challenges and obstacles in his quest to defeat the antagonist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line and moral dilemmas at play. The outcome of the confrontation will have a significant impact on the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts and resolutions. It advances the plot and builds anticipation for the next developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's attempts to outsmart the antagonist. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the confrontation will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between good and evil, as represented by the protagonist and the antagonist. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and morality, as he is forced to make difficult decisions to protect himself and his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, anger, and sadness. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and intentions. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and dramatic confrontations between the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and eager to see how the conflict resolves.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that culminates in a thrilling confrontation between the characters. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard conventions of screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the action unfolding.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense leading up to the climactic confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Samuel approaching the gun in the kitchen to Book moving among the rafters in the barn, which may confuse the audience.
  • The action sequences involving McFee spotting Book, firing into the buggy, and then discovering the open trap door feel rushed and could benefit from more detailed descriptions to build tension.
  • The transition from the woodwork shop to the silo door where Book is bashing at the hinge could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The confrontation between Book and McFee in the silo lacks emotional depth and could be enhanced by adding more internal thoughts or dialogue to convey the intensity of the moment.
  • The introduction of the tolling bell at the end feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated to create a more cohesive climax.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Samuel approaching the gun and Book in the barn to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Enhance the action sequences involving McFee to build tension and suspense, providing more detailed descriptions of the events unfolding.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene by refining the transitions between different locations and actions to maintain a seamless flow.
  • Add more emotional depth to the confrontation between Book and McFee in the silo by incorporating internal thoughts or dialogue to heighten the intensity of the moment.
  • Integrate the tolling bell element more effectively into the scene to create a stronger sense of climax and resolution.



Scene 40 -  Confrontation at the Barn
184 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 184
. Sam tugs at the bell-rope with all his strength.

185 EXT. BELL-TOWER - DAY * 185
The bell aways rythmically back and forth.

186 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 186

I Schaeffer turns to Eli.
,,,... • (CONTINUED)
Rev. 6/11/84 100.


186 CONT-INUEO 186
SCHAEFFER
Go and get the boy.
Be cocks the gun at Rachel's head. Eli hurries
out.

187 EXT. KITCHEN - DAY * 187
Samuel still tugging at the rope as his grandfather
comes up behind him. He sweeps him into his arms
and turns around, his eyes raised toward the hills.

188 EXT. FARM - DAY * 188
Running figures on the skyline, on the driveway and
coming across the fields -- black clad figures,
running, answering the bell, the Amish cry for help.
We can make out the Hochleitners, the Stoltzfus
family and others.

, 189 INT. BARN, LOWER LEVEL - DAY * 189.
,-... Schaeffer leads his ;:risoners toward the barn door.

190 EXT./IN':'. BAR.'s - DAY * 190
As Schaeffer pushes them out onto the driveway, they
stop and stare at the approaching Amish. They number
close to thirty, mostly men but with a sprinkling of
women and children. They move toward Schaeffer and
his hostages.
SCHAEFFER
I'm a police officer. This man
is wanted for murder, stand well back.
Eli and Samuel join the edge of the group.
SCHAEFFER (to Book)
We leave quietly and calmy, and
nothing will happen to them.

Book begins to move ahead of Schaeffer, the gun now
at his head. He looks to the faces of the Amish. Bis
eyes rest on Daniel Bochleitner, powerless as he watches.
Eli makes a move, stands in front of Book, blocking
their path. Daniel and his brother join him. Schaeffer
hesitates his brain racing to work out the best move. Be
waives his gun at them.
(CONTINUED)
Rev; 6/15/84 · ··101.· ··· ..
( 190 190
SCHAEFFER
Move! Or ! 1 ::.1 shoot.
ELI
You can't kill us all.
Other Amish close in, now a tight circle about
them. Book turns on his captor, reaches out for
the gun levelled at his head.
BOO!<
Enough.
He reaches toward the gun and wrenches it from
Schaeffer's hand. · '
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Sam rings the bell, summoning the Amish. Schaeffer holds Rachel hostage, but the community confronts him. A tense standoff ensues, resolved when Book disarms Schaeffer.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal to the plot, with strong character dynamics and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a standoff between an outsider and a corrupt authority figure within an Amish community is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the confrontation between Book and Schaeffer, leading to a crucial turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic conflict between pacifism and violence, with authentic character actions and dialogue that enhance the authenticity of the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Book and Schaeffer, show depth and development in this scene, with conflicting motivations and emotions.

Character Changes: 8

Book undergoes a significant change as he takes control of the situation and stands up against Schaeffer, showing his growth and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and community from harm, reflecting his deep sense of duty and responsibility towards his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the antagonist from harming his family and community members, reflecting the immediate threat and danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Book and Schaeffer, as well as the larger conflict between the Amish community and outside threats, is intense and engaging.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with high stakes and conflicting values that create a sense of uncertainty and danger for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Book faces off against Schaeffer, risking his life and the safety of the Amish community.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for the next narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected actions taken by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and the antagonist's use of force and intimidation. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as he must decide whether to resort to violence to protect his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, with fear, anger, and hope driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner conflicts and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation that drives the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear descriptions of the characters' emotions and motivations, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the tension and conflict.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to reveal the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
  • The action sequences could be more vividly described to create a sense of urgency and suspense.
  • The transition between the different locations is abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • There is a lack of sensory details that could help immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more internal monologue or dialogue to reveal the characters' thoughts and emotions during the standoff.
  • Enhance the action sequences by describing the movements and reactions of the characters in more detail.
  • Include sensory details such as sounds, smells, and visuals to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider building up the tension gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful climax.
  • Provide clearer transitions between the different locations to improve the coherence and flow of the scene.



Scene 41 -  The Goodbye
190A EXT./I~T. l<I':'CHEll WINDOW - LATER 190A *
Sam appears at the window, stares out. Rachel's *
VOICE OS calls him away. He takes a last look, then
lea•;es.

1S0B SA.~UtL'S ?CV - FUL~ SHOT - WE SEE: 19011 *
,,.... Two Lancaster County police cars, an unmarked detective's
car and a paramedic wagon parked in the drive. Several
detectives and four uniformed officers confer with Book,
who is still in Amish clothing. Schaeffer sits in the
rear ot the squad car. In the background the paruedics
wheel a gurney holding a body bag to their wagon. (NOTE:
NO A.~ISH are to be seen.)

191 INT. HALLWAY/BOOK'S BEDROOM, LAPP FARM - DAY 191

(Time Lapse)
seen from the hallway the room is apparently empty
until from the end of the room Book steps into
frame. He'• dressed in his city suit. Be stands
alone, looking about the room before hastily leaving,
closing the door behind him.
..
192 EXT. LAPP FARM - LATE AFTER.~OON 192
The door opens and Book steps out, looking awkward
in his city clothes. He looks about him, sees Samuel
down by the pond.
I
. . ...,· ~



·Revised: . 6/ 15/8~ : . : ..
(
193
He sits besi:e sa:::uel. They both stare into t.~e
pond.
SA?~~'-EL
You're not e\·er c0111ing back,
are you?
BOOK
:qc, Sa.'11.

A long silence between thm:i.
SAMUEL
Have you ·got your gun on
now?
BOOK (Laughs)
Yes, I have.
T!:e l:)cy s:::i!es, ar.c t!le1,• el:lbrace.

194
Boo~ o~ens the coor o! his car, turns to stare
bac~ at E!i ar.c Ra:hel. As ne turns to get in,
Eli sh01:ts:
ELI
You be careful out among
them English:
Eli moves inside leaving Book anc Rachel. A long look,
a sharec smile, and then Book gets quickly into his car.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary As detectives investigate a tragic event at the Lapp farm, Book bids farewell to his family and community. Dressed in both Amish and city attire, he reflects on his past and the path he must now take. With a heavy heart, he departs, leaving behind loved ones who watch him go with a mix of sorrow and well wishes.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and full of suspense, with well-developed characters and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a clash between the Amish way of life and outside threats is well-executed, with strong character dynamics and a gripping plot.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with multiple layers of conflict and tension driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the clash of cultures and values, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are compelling, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Book shows growth and determination in facing the challenges presented to him, while Rachel displays strength and defiance in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with leaving the Amish community and returning to his city life. This reflects his deeper desire for belonging and identity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to solve a mystery or crime related to the body bag being wheeled away. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with multiple layers of tension and opposing forces at play.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line and the future of the characters hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the climax and resolving key conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's Amish values and the English world he is returning to. This challenges his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly in the moments of confrontation and resolution.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and building tension, but could be more impactful in some moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mystery, emotional depth, and character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, enhancing readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and character development.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. It would be beneficial to have a more seamless transition to help the audience follow the story.
  • The dialogue between Samuel and Book feels a bit forced and could be more natural. The conversation about the gun could be more nuanced and emotionally impactful.
  • The interaction between Book and Samuel lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship further and add more layers to their conversation.
  • The ending of the scene with Eli's warning to Book feels cliched and predictable. It would be more effective to have a more unique and impactful ending to the interaction between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Samuel and Book to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Explore the relationship between Book and Samuel further to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more impactful and less predictable.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details to enhance the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to improve the flow of the story.



Scene 42 -  Book and Hochleitner's Encounter
195 INT. /EXT. DlUV!:, LAPP FAR.lit - LATE AFTERNOON 195
As Book drives, he sees an open buggy coming down the
hill toward the farm. He slows as he passes. It's
Daniel Hcchleitner. A long beat, and as they pass,
Hochleitner gives Book the briefest tip of his hat.

196 INT. BOOK'S CAR 196.
~



Book-turns to look back at his rival, a doubt in
bis eyes. Freeze frame.
0
FADE 00'1':
I
,-..
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary As Book drives along a dirt road, he encounters Hochleitner, his rival, in a buggy. Book slows down and Hochleitner briefly tips his hat. Book turns to look back at Hochleitner with a doubtful expression, creating a tense and uncertain atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally impactful, and crucial to the resolution of the story. It effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the final confrontation between Book and the antagonists is well-executed, with strong emotional beats and high stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the conflict escalating to a climax. The resolution of the conflict is satisfying and ties up loose ends.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar rivalry trope but adds depth through internal conflict and subtle gestures. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their actions are consistent with their motivations. The emotional depth of the characters adds to the impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and allegiances.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assess his feelings towards his rival and possibly confront his doubts. This reflects his deeper need for validation or confidence in his abilities.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue driving and possibly reach his destination. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his journey.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and reaches a climax, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 6

The opposition is moderate, with the rival character providing a challenge but not a major obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting up the final act of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 5

The scene is somewhat predictable in its setup and resolution, lacking major twists or surprises.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between competition and self-doubt. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in his own abilities and the value of rivalry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly during the moments of confrontation and resolution.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the subtle emotional cues.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively through visual cues and character reactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a typical format for a character-driven scene, focusing on internal conflict and character interaction.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure for the character of Daniel Hochleitner, leaving the audience with unanswered questions about his role in the story.
  • The freeze frame at the end feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.
  • There is a missed opportunity to further explore the internal conflict and doubt in Book's eyes as he looks back at Hochleitner, which could have added depth to his character development.
  • The brief interaction between Book and Hochleitner could have been more impactful if there was a clearer indication of the significance of their rivalry or relationship.
  • The scene could benefit from more context or background information to help the audience understand the significance of Hochleitner tipping his hat to Book.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief dialogue exchange between Book and Hochleitner to provide more insight into their relationship and add depth to the scene.
  • Instead of a freeze frame, consider ending the scene with a more dynamic or visually engaging shot to leave a lasting impression on the audience.
  • Explore the internal conflict within Book further by incorporating his thoughts or emotions in a voiceover or visual representation.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing throughout the script to build up the rivalry between Book and Hochleitner, making their brief interaction more impactful.
  • Consider revisiting the scene to add a sense of closure or resolution for the character of Daniel Hochleitner, tying up loose ends and satisfying the audience's curiosity.