LA confidential - draft

Genres: The, list, of, genres, for, the, movie, is:, Crime, Drama, Film, Noir, Mystery, Romance, Action, Thriller

Overview LA Confidential is a crime drama set in 1950s Los Angeles that explores corruption, power, justice, and morality within the city's police force and political circles. The story follows three main characters - Bud White, Ed Exley, and Jack Vincennes - as they navigate a web of violence, betrayal, and hidden agendas. As they uncover illicit activities and question their own morals, they are faced with difficult choices and the consequences of their actions. The screenplay culminates in a gripping climax that forces the characters to confront their own demons and strive for redemption.

Theme The central themes of the script are corruption and power, justice and morality, betrayal and loyalty, appearance vs reality, and consequences and redemption.

Characters The main characters in LA Confidential include Bud White, a tough and loyal police officer with a violent past; Ed Exley, an ambitious and principled young detective; and Jack Vincennes, a charismatic detective who becomes disillusioned with his corrupt lifestyle. Other important characters include Dudley Smith, a corrupt police captain; Lynn Bracken, a call girl caught between the world of powerful men; and Pierce Patchett, a wealthy businessman involved in the call girl operation.

Conflict The main conflict in the script is the battle between the characters' personal motives and their duty to uphold justice. As they navigate the corrupt and violent world of 1950s Los Angeles, they are forced to confront their own moral compass and make difficult choices. The conflict evolves as the characters uncover hidden agendas, face betrayal from their colleagues, and negotiate the complex dynamics of power and loyalty.

Story Telling The script utilizes a mixture of fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and unexpected plot twists to keep the audience engaged. The use of montages, voice-over narration, and parallel action adds depth and texture to the storytelling. The screenplay also explores internal conflicts and moral dilemmas through the characters' inner monologues and introspection.

Tone and Style The overall tone and style of the script is gritty, dark, and atmospheric. The dialogue is sharp, concise, and often laced with a dark sense of humor. The writing style is reminiscent of classic film noir, with its emphasis on moral ambiguity, complex characters, and cynical outlook on the world.

Setting The setting of 1950s Los Angeles is integral to the story, as it showcases a contrast between the glamorous facade and the dark underbelly of corruption and violence. The city itself becomes a character, with its iconic locations like Hollywood and illicit establishments playing a significant role in the story.

Audience LA Confidential appeals to fans of crime dramas, film noir, and character-driven stories. Its exploration of corruption, morality, and justice makes it appealing to audiences who enjoy thought-provoking narratives. The screenplay's blend of action, mystery, and psychological depth also gives it broad appeal for those who enjoy gripping, character-focused storytelling.



Note: The ratings are the averages over each scene.
The Percentile is against the screenplays in our library.
Title
Grade
Percentile
Overall8.5  86
Concept 8.0  74
Plot 8.4  85
Characters 8.6  91
Dialogue 7.9 66
Emotional Impact 7.8 79
Conflict Level 8.7 87
At least one Character Changes in the scene 6.3 66
Story Moves Forward 8.3 83
High Stakes 8.4 85
Internal Goal Score 8.3 77
External Goal Score 8.5 97
Originality Score 6.5 41
Engagement Score 8.7 59
Pacing Score 8.7 85
Formatting Score 9.1 67
Structure Score 8.4 59



Genres: The, list, of, genres, for, the, movie, is:, Crime, Drama, Film, Noir, Mystery, Romance, Action, Thriller



Summary In the movie, set in 1950s Los Angeles, corruption and violence are exposed beneath the city's surface. The opening scene introduces the audience to Mickey Cohen and his bodyguard, as well as Gorgeous George wrestling at the Olympic Auditorium. Hush-Hush magazine's publisher, Sid Hudgeons, works in his office, and the hit show 'Badge of Honor' airs on a storefront TV. The movie follows the story of several characters, including Bud White, Sergeant Jack Vincennes, and Ed Exley, as they navigate the city's dark underbelly. They become involved in drug busts, uncover police brutality, and investigate a mass shooting at a diner. As the movie progresses, the characters' paths intertwine, and they find themselves uncovering a call girl operation and a conspiracy involving organized crime and police corruption. Ultimately, they must confront their own moral dilemmas and make difficult choices. The movie ends with a deadly confrontation between Exley and Dudley Smith, leading to Exley's arrest and a realization of the consequences of their actions.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of the screenplay is engaging and compelling, with a complex web of corruption and crime. The tone is consistent throughout, capturing the gritty and dark atmosphere of 1950s Los Angeles. The characters are well-developed and each has their own motivations and conflicts. The scenes are well-paced and the dialogue is sharp and realistic. The screenplay effectively explores themes of loyalty, justice, and the blurred lines between right and wrong. It also provides a nuanced portrayal of postwar Los Angeles, highlighting both the optimism and the dark underbelly of the city. The violence and brutality depicted in the story add tension and stakes to the plot. The climax of the screenplay is intense and satisfying, with a mix of action and emotional resolution. Overall, the story is intriguing and well-executed, keeping the audience engaged throughout.

Suggestions: One suggestion to improve the screenplay is to provide more clarity and depth to the main character's arc. While the story follows multiple characters and their journeys, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the internal struggles and growth of the protagonist, particularly Sergeant Exley. This could involve exploring his inner conflicts, doubts, and the choices he makes in the pursuit of justice. Additionally, some scenes could benefit from more visual descriptions and atmosphere-building to enhance the overall cinematic experience. Finally, tightening the pacing in certain parts of the screenplay could help maintain the momentum and engage the audience even more.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Compelling portrayal of Bud's character
  • Intense and thrilling investigation of a brutal crime
  • Great use of dialogue and character development to explore themes of morality and integrity within the police force
  • Tense atmosphere, emotional impact, and effective use of violence to convey Bud's tough personality and moral code
  • Interesting dialogue, unique setup for the story, introduces various characters in a compelling way
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development
  • Possible objectification of women and racial minorities, lack of depth to characters
  • Some scenes are slow-paced and lack action or tension
  • Dialogue can be clunky and exposition-heavy at times
  • Some dialogue and attitudes towards women may feel outdated or offensive to modern audiences
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a more robust and cohesive plot that advances the overarching story
  • Ensure that all characters, including women and racial minorities, are fully fleshed out and given depth and agency
  • Introduce more action and tension in slower-paced scenes to maintain the audience's engagement
  • Work on crafting dialogue that is natural, impactful, and avoids heavy exposition
  • Revise any potentially offensive or outdated dialogue and attitudes towards women to align with modern sensibilities

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
External Goal 8.49  95 Back to the future: 8.45 The Wizard of oz: 8.49
Characters 8.6  88 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.5 Titanic: 8.6
Conflict Level 8.7  86 Silence of the lambs: 8.6 Dr. Strangelove: 8.7
High Stakes 8.4  84 Stranger things: 8.3 LA confidential - draft: 8.4
Pacing 8.65  83 The Wolf of Wall Street: 8.64 LA confidential - draft: 8.65
Plot 8.4  81 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.3 Knives Out: 8.4
Overall 8.5  80 Thor: 8.4 Inception: 8.5
Emotional Impact 7.8  78 Narcos: 7.7 American beauty: 7.8
Story Forward 8.3  77 Breaking bad, episode 306: 8.2 Black panther: 8.3
Internal Goal 8.30  74 Squid Game: 8.29 The Good place release: 8.30
Concept 8.0  69 Narcos: 7.9 Avatar: 8.0
Formatting 9.05  65 Shaun of the Dead: 9.03 LA confidential - draft: 9.05
Dialogue 7.9  63 Amadeus: 7.8 heathers : 7.9
Character Changes 6.3  62 Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: 6.2 Black panther: 6.3
Engagement 8.67  58 What we do in the shadows: 8.64 LA confidential - draft: 8.67
Structure 8.42  58 The Wolf of Wall Street: 8.38 LA confidential - draft: 8.42
Originality 6.49  40 Severance: 6.47 LA confidential - draft: 6.49



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 L.A. Confidential Scene 1: The City of Angels "serious" 8.5 8 87 9 508607705 87789
2 Christmas Eve Violence "Dark" 9 8 97 9 1991007809 81091010
3 Christmas Bust "Dark" 8 7 88 7 489807706 99989
4 Liquor Store Bust "tense" 8 9 87 9 689909807 87898
5 A Police Officer's Moral Compass "serious" 9 9 77 9 687706508 10981010
6 Police Brutality "tense" 9 10 87 9 708100108010 87898
7 Bud White's Dismissal and Exley's Rise "serious" 8 7 89 8 689807907 89988
8 Exley and Jack Discuss Testifying "suspenseful" 8 7 87 9 4109908706 89898
9 Offer and Loyalty "serious" 8.5 8 96 9 888909908 899108
10 Police and Criminals "tense" 7 7 86 7 589809806 69988
11 Ad Vice and Narco "tense" 8 7 86 9 687907808 899108
12 Nite Owl Massacre "intense" 9 9 98 8 689100101009 8101099
13 The Interrogation and Morgue Visit "tense" 8 8 75 9 698909809 789109
14 Identification and briefing "intense" 9 8 96 9 7989010908 87998
15 Patchett's Revelation "intense" 9 10 99 9 89810010909 8109109
16 Investigative Work Continues "serious" 8 7 84 8 608808809 79978
17 Meeting Lynn Bracken "Tense, mysterious, flirtatious" 8 9 89 8 689806707 99988
18 Hotel Bust "serious" 8 7 95 8 339907804 679108
19 Interrogation and Revelation "intense" 8 7 87 9 68910010809 79898
20 The Nite Owl Killers "tense" 8 9 86 7 48910010907 79998
21 Shootout and Funeral "intense" 8 8 96 7 6899010808 610998
22 Loose Ends "tense" 8 7 810 9 699706706 79998
23 Badge of Honor Fundraiser "dark" 8 7 84 8 687706707 87989
24 Unsettling Discoveries "dark" 7 8 76 7 688807808 698109
25 Aftermath and Reflection "Somber" 8 7 84 9 698707708 888109
26 Uncovering Clues "Intense" 9 8 96 8 688809907 79888
27 Uncovering Clues "somber" 9 7 94 8 689708907 79878
28 Uncovering Clues "reflective, intense" 8 8 84 9 787707808 78999
29 Investigating Further "tense" 8 7 86 8 689908906 998109
30 Bud White Confronts Stompanato and Discovers Buzz Meeks' Fate "tense" 8 9 86 8 8810908807 79988
31 Lies and Revelations "tense" 9 8 98 8 7991009908 8910109
32 Underestimation and Revelations "tense" 8 7 97 8 698807807 98897
33 Secrets and Confessions "intense" 9 8 99 10 7108707808 99897
34 Revelations and Betrayals "tense" 9 8 97 9 799909908 810988
35 Betrayal and Blackmail at Victory Motel "intense" 10 9 96 10 89101101110010 98999
36 Betrayal and Violence "dark" 9 9 103 9 8881001010011 97998
37 The Truth Comes Out "intense" 10 8 96 10 999100101009 10108109
38 Discovering Patchett "Intense" 9 9 106 9 791010010909 889109
39 Confronting Loew "tense, violent" 9 8 98 9 889100101008 899109
40 The Meeting at the Victory Motel "tense" 9 8 99 9 787100101008 89887
41 The Final Showdown "Intense" 8 7 86 9 68910010908 89998
42 Confrontation and Consequences "intense" 9 8 96 9 89810010808 899108
43 Goodbye and Moving On "bittersweet" 9 8 86 9 888607709 8981010


Scene 1 - L.A. Confidential Scene 1: The City of Angels
L.A. CONFIDENTIAL



by

Brian Helgeland


Based on the novel by James Ellroy




November 16, 1995
Minor Revisions




FADE IN:

OVER the opening strains of "I LOVE YOU, CALIFORNIA," a
MONTAGE: a mixture of headlines, newsreel footage and
live action. Economy Booming! Postwar Optimism! L.A.:
City of the Future! But most prominent among them:
GANGLAND! Police photographers document crime scenes.
The meat wagon hauls ex-button men to the morgue. Where
will it end?


EXT. L.A. SKYLINE - SUNSET

Palm trees in silhouette against a cherry sky. City
lights twinkle. Los Angeles. A place where anything is
possible. A place where dreams come true. As the sky
darkens, triple-kleig lights begin to sweep back and
forth.


EXT. MANSION (HANCOCK PARK) - NIGHT

The KLEIG LIGHTS are out front. Valets hurry to park a
line of elegant cars.
MAYOR (V.O.)
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the future of Los Angeles!


INT. HANCOCK PARK MANSION - BALLROOM - NIGHT

The MAYOR yanks a cloth to reveal a MODEL of L.A. criss-
crossed by an elaborate FREEWAY SYSTEM. The CROWD oohs.
A COUNCILMAN claps. A SOCIETY MATRON nods her approval.

PIERCE PATCHETT, 50, tuxedoed, watches off to one side.
A behind-the-scenes power broker, Patchett exudes
authority much more so than the Mayor does.

MAYOR
The Arroyo Seco freeway is just
the beginning. We're planning
freeways from Downtown to Santa
Monica, from the South Bay to the
San Fernando Valley. Twenty
minutes to work or play is the
longest you'll have to travel.

More applause. One REPORTER asks a little too loudly...

REPORTER
How many bodies you think Mickey
Cohen'll be able to hide in all
that cement?

The Mayor wears a plastic smile, ignores it.


INT. THE MOCAMBO - NIGHT

A CLUB PHOTOGRAPHER pops snapshots, but the real action
is on the floor where MICKEY COHEN does a wicked "Lindy
Hop" with THREE different GIRLS at once. A fireplug of a
man, he hardly seems a public menace. Nearby is his
bodyguard JOHNNY STOMPANATO. Over it all:

HUDGEONS (V.O.)
Meyer Harris Cohen, Mickey C to
his fans. He's the big moocher,
local L.A. color to the nth
degree. You know Mickey. He runs
dope, rackets and prostitution.
He kills a dozen people a year.
But who you may not know is
bodyguard Johnny Stompanato.

His hair in a slick pompadour, Stompanato keeps an eye on
Cohen and comes onto a CIGARETTE GIRL at the same time.

HUDGEONS (V.O.)
Johnny's handsome, ladies, but the
real attraction is below the belt.
Second only to Steve Cochran, he's
sometimes known as 'Oscar' because
of his Academy Award-size
appendage.

Mickey works a sweat on the dance floor. A bottle of
champagne pops; Stompanato reacts, nearly draws a pistol
from his shoulder holster. As he laughs at himself...


INT. HUSH-HUSH MAGAZINE OFFICE - DAY

Lurid page one headlines cover the wall where SID
HUDGEONS types. The essence of sleaze, Sid is the
publisher-photographer-writer of Hush-Hush magazine and
keeper of inside dirt supreme. As he continues...

HUDGEONS (V.O.)
Remember, dear readers, you heard
it here first, off the record, on
the Q.T. and very Hush-Hush.


INT. HANCOCK PARK MANSION - BALLROOM - NIGHT

The party continues. The Mayor has moved off to the side
with the power brokers. Patchett is a presence.

MAYOR
We're selling an image, gentlemen.
Beautiful weather. Affordable
housing.
(re: model)
Trouble-free transportation. And
the best police department in the
world to keep it all running
smoothly.


EXT. STOREFRONT - NIGHT

A dozen people watch a display windoe TELEVISION as it
rolls the opening of the hit show "Badge of Honor." Over
familiar THEME MUSIC, "Sgt. Joe Reno" (actor BRETT CHASE)
walks the streets of Los Angeles.

CHASE (V.O.)
My name? Joe Reno. The city?
Los Angeles. A big town. Full of
all sorts of people. It's my job
to help them. I like what I do.
I'm a cop.


INT. HANCOCK PARK MANSION - BALLROOM - NIGHT

The Mayor continues.

MAYOR
But with a second rate Al Capone
out there, L.A. looks like Chicago
in the '30s. Something has to be
done.
As Pierce Patchett nods sagely.


INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Wrestler GORGEOUS GEORGE primps and poses before flatten-
ing an opponent with a drop kick.


INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

An enthusiastic crowd adjusts their 3-D glasses.


EXT. COHEN MANSION (BEVERLY HILLS) - DAY

In monogrammed silk pajamas, Mickey Cohen answers the
door, his pet BULLDOG Mickey Jr. at his feet. The police
are waiting. REPORTERS' flashbulbs pop.

POLICE OFFICER
Mr. Cohen, you're under arrest.

COHEN
Bullshit. What's the charge?

POLICE OFFICER
Non-payment of federal income tax.

COHEN
Bullshit.
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary The opening scene introduces the corruption and violence beneath the surface of Los Angeles in the 1950s. The scene features the Mayor presenting a model of a freeway plan for the city, while the audience gets glimpses of Mickey Cohen and his bodyguard Stompanato dancing at a club and Gorgeous George wrestling at the Olympic Auditorium. Hush-Hush magazine's publisher Sid Hudgeons types away in his office and the hit show 'Badge of Honor' airs on a storefront TV.
Strengths
  • Introduces the main themes and characters of the film
  • Sets up a complex and ever-changing city landscape
  • Mixes real and fictional characters and events
Weaknesses
  • There is a lot going on in the scene, which can be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene is moderately original; while the setting of 1950s Los Angeles has been covered in other films, the writer's emphasis on crime and corruption is unique. The writer's use of montaging and voice-over narration creates a sense of tone and visual texture that helps to set the film apart from other crime dramas.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not clearly established.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to secure Los Angeles's future through the development of infrastructure such as freeway systems to attract more people to the city and to promote a safe and prosperous environment. He faces the challenge of doing this while also battling organized crime that threatens to destroy the city's reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between the goal of presenting Los Angeles as a place of hope and prosperity and the reality of the crime and corruption that threatens to undermine that image. It challenges the protagonist's belief that he can change the city and improve the lives of its citizens.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it establishes the film's setting and themes in a memorable and stylized way that is consistent throughout the rest of the film. The rapid-fire editing and use of different characters and settings helps to create a sense of texture and complexity that keeps the viewer engaged.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness because it sets a quick pace that propels the viewer through the different settings and characters featured in the scene. The rapid montage and use of voice-over narration adds to the pacing of the scene and the feeling of intricacy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected pattern for a drama film; the use of character dialogue and voice-over helps to establish the different characters, settings, and conflicts that will be central to the rest of the film.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected pattern for a drama film; it establishes the film's setting and themes through a series of different vignettes that set the stage for the rest of the film.


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I can say that this scene sets up a clear contrast between the glitz and glamour of Hollywood and the darker underworld of gangland crime. The montage at the beginning efficiently establishes the time and place, while also hinting at the violence lurking beneath the surface. The introduction of Mickey Cohen and his bodyguard Johnny Stompanato further underscores the danger present in this world.

The dialogue, particularly in the scene at the Hancock Park mansion, is well-crafted and helps to establish the characters' motivations and personalities. The Mayor's speech about selling an image of Los Angeles contrasts with Cohen's criminal activities, while Patchett's presence suggests that he may hold more power than any of them.

The scene also sets up a narrative tension by introducing the conflict between Cohen and the police, which will undoubtedly become more important as the story progresses. Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively establishes the world and the characters within it.
Suggestions Overall, the scene sets up the time period and atmosphere of L.A. in the 1940s, but it lacks clear character introductions and a central conflict. Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Character Introductions: While the Mayor and Mickey Cohen are named in the scene, it would be helpful to include basic character introductions for all main characters. For example, a brief description of Pierce Patchett's occupation and reputation would help establish his role in the story.

2. Clearer Conflict: While the scene mentions a second-rate Al Capone and the need to do something about it, it doesn't establish a specific conflict for the story. Adding hints of the larger story conflict (e.g. corruption in the police force, the rise of organized crime) would help set up the stakes for the rest of the film.

3. Visual Clarity: While the montage and transitions between locations create a fast-paced feel, they can also be confusing. Adding more clear establishing shots of each location and character would help orient the audience.

4. Dialogue: While the dialogue generally works for the time period and setting, some of the lines feel a bit on-the-nose (e.g. the Mayor's line about selling an image). Streamlining the dialogue and adding more unique character voices would help make the characters more distinct and memorable.

Overall, this scene could benefit from clearer character introductions, a stronger central conflict, and more visual clarity.



Scene 2 - Christmas Eve Violence
EXT. GRAUMAN'S CHINESE - DAY

JOHN WAYNE gets his hand prints in the sidewalk.


EXT. WESTCHESTER BEAN FIELD - DAY

MIGRANT WORKERS hurry to finish the harvest. We PAN
TO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS who wait impatiently with bull-
dozers under a "Spirit of the Future" BANNER. As the
last picker leaves the field, the bulldozers move in,
leveling the bean rows to make way for a housing tract.


EXT. FEDERAL COURTHOUSE - STEPS - DAY

Flashbulbs pop as Mickey Cohen exits and starts down
the steps. Accompanied by his LAWYERS, bodyguard
Stompanato and mob lieutenants DEUCE PERKINS and NATE
JANKLOW, Cohen ignores REPORTERS' shouts.

REPORTER
How's your bullshit now, Mickey?!

As Cohen gets into a waiting car, the media turn their
attention to District Attorney ELLIS LOEW. A singularly
ambitious man, Loew loves the spotlight.
LOEW
Today is an auspicious one for the
city of Los Angeles. Mickey Cohen
has just been sentenced to ten
years in federal prison for
failure to pay income tax.
As the District Attorney for Los
Angeles County, it is my pleasure
to declare our great city
organized crime free. It is truly
the dawning of a new day.

The SONG ENDS and so does the MONTAGE.


INT. PACKARD (ACROSS FROM BULLOCKS WILSHIRE) - NIGHT

December 24th. Wendell "BUD" WHITE, 30, stares at the
enormous Christmas tree on the deco platform over
Bullocks' entrance. An LAPD cop, Bud's rep as the
toughest man on the force has been well earned. In the
back seat, with cases of Walker Black and Cutty Sark, is
Bud's partner -- DICK STENSLAND. Older, but also a tough
hump, "Stens" sucks on a pint of Old Crow.

The passenger door opens and Mickey Cohen bodyguard
Johnny Stompanato slides in. Guinea handsome, Johnny
wears his curls in a tight pompadour. With his boss
behind bars, he's out of work. Bud just stares at him.

STOMPANATO
Officer White. I heard you got a
hard-on for wife beaters.

BUD
And you fuck people up for a
living. That don't make me you.
Capisce, shitbird?

Stompanato smiles. Nervous. Through the window, Bud
watches a Salvation Army Santa palm coins from a kettle.

STENSLAND
Bud ain't in the mood for small
talk, Stompanato.

STOMPANATO
Look, Mickey C's doing time and
half the other guys who'd hire me
are dead or left town. I need
money. If your snitch-fund's
green, I'll get you some fucking-A
collars.

Impatient, Bud tugs at a finger, CRACKS a KNUCKLE.

STOMPANATO
There's this guy. He's blond and
fat, about forty. Likes the
ponies. Been pimping his wife to
cover his losses. Knocks her
around to keep her in line.

Bud's eyes narrow at this last bit of info. Stompanato
holds up a slip of paper.

STOMPANATO
I figure the address is worth
twenty.

Bud digs into his wallet, pulls out twenty bucks,
exchanges it with Stompanato. Stompanato smiles smugly,
grabs a bottle of Scotch from the back.

STOMPANATO
Yuletide cheer, fellas.

Without warning, Bud grabs Stompanato's tie and yanks,
slamming his forehead into the dash.

BUD
Happy New Year, greaseball.

EXT. 1486 EVERGREEN - NIGHT

A stucco job in a row of vet prefabs. A neon Santa
sleigh has landed on the roof. Through the front window,
we see a fat guy browbeating a woman. Puff-faced, 35-
ish, she backs away as he rages at her.

The Packard pulls up out front. Stensland could care
less.

STENSLAND
Leave it for later, Bud. We got
to pick up the rest of the booze
and get back to the precinct.

Bud KILLS the IGNITION, picks up the radio.

BUD
Central, this is 4A-31. Send a
prowler to 1486 Evergreen. White
male in custody. Code 623 point
one. Domestic assault and
battery. I won't be here, but
they'll see him.


EXT. 1486 EVERGREEN - BUD - NIGHT

steps to the house. Inside, we hear SLAPS, MUFFLED
CRIES. Bud grips an outlet cord coming off the roof and
yanks. The sleigh crashes to the ground with REINDEER
EXPLODING around it. A beat. The fat guy runs out to
investigate, trips over Rudolph.

Bud pounces. Fat guy takes a swing, misses. Grabbing
fat guy's hair, Bud smashes his face to the pavement.
Once, twice. Teeth skitter down the walk.

BUD
Touch her again and I'll know
about it. Understand? Huh?

Another face full of gravel. Fat guy's WIFE watches with
apprehension from the steps as Bud cuffs her husband's
hands behind his back, empties his pockets. A cash roll
and car keys. Bud looks over at her.

BUD
You got someplace you can go?

She nods. Bud hands her the keys and the cash.

BUD
Go get yourself fixed up.

WIFE
(nods, determined)
Merry Christmas, huh?

Bud watches as she gets into a pre-war Ford in the drive.
She backs over a blinking reindeer as she goes.

STENSLAND
You and women, partner. What's
next? Kids and dogs?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Bud beats up a wife-beater before arresting him and sending his victim away with money to get fixed up.
Strengths
  • Compelling portrayal of Bud's character
  • Effective use of violence to convey Bud's tough personality and moral code
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

The scene is not particularly original in terms of its content, as it depicts a classic showdown between a cop and a criminal. However, the writer's voice and style are highly original, adding new depth and complexity to the familiar tropes of the genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life, reinforcing the scene's themes of violence and power.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 1

Internal Goal: 9

Bud White's internal goal is to protect women from abusive men. This reflects his deep desire to make up for his own history of violence against women and his fear of causing harm to them.

External Goal: 9

Bud White's external goal is to arrest a man who is committing domestic violence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the issue of violence and the extent to which it is necessary or justified for men like Bud White to use it to protect women. This conflict challenges Bud's beliefs about violence and his role as a cop.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it uses a combination of action, dialogue, and dark humour to create a sense of tension and danger. The characters are complex and well-developed, and their interactions feel authentic and true to life.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and frenetic, using a combination of quick cuts and terse action to create a sense of urgency and tension. This contributes to the scene's effectiveness by keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, using standard industry conventions to clearly communicate information about character, action, and dialogue.

Structure: 10

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, using a combination of dialogue and descriptive action to build tension and reveal character. It also uses a clear sequence of events to move the plot forward.


Critique The scene is well-written, with vivid descriptions that create distinct visuals. The settings are clear and well-defined, helping to ground the audience in the world of the story.

However, there are some issues with character development and pacing. While the scene starts with a series of unrelated events, each with their own tension and stakes, it feels somewhat disjointed.

The character of John Wayne, for example, is not developed beyond the simple action of getting his hand prints in the sidewalk, which is ultimately a throwaway moment. The same can be said for the construction workers waiting impatiently for the end of the harvest, as well as the flashbulbs popping as Mickey Cohen exits the courthouse.

The focus finally settles on Bud White, whose tough cop persona is established in exposition rather than through any meaningful action. The scene ultimately builds towards Bud's confrontation with Stompanato, which feels abrupt and unnecessary.

Overall, while the scene has some strong elements, it lacks cohesiveness and fails to fully develop its characters.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from sharper dialogue and more effective use of visual storytelling. Here are some specific suggestions:

1. Consider tightening up the first two shots (John Wayne getting his hand prints in the sidewalk and migrant workers harvesting beans) to make them more impactful and purposeful. For example, you could focus on John Wayne's reaction to this honor or the workers' exhaustion from long hours in the fields.

2. When covering Mickey Cohen's courthouse exit, try to convey more of the tension and drama of the moment. Perhaps a visual close-up of him or the reporters could help build the suspense. Additionally, Ellis Loew's speech feels a bit too expository and could be shortened or made more conversational.

3. The transition to the Packard scene could be made smoother by including a simple establishing shot of the car driving to its destination. This would also give the audience a chance to understand the setting better.

4. When Johnny Stompanato enters the car, there is an opportunity to show more of the tension between him and Bud White. Try to have their conversation be more nuanced and tense, with subtext and hidden meanings lurking beneath the surface.

5. The domestic assault scene is the most climactic part of the scene and could benefit from more visual description. Consider using more sensory details to bring the fight to life, such as the sounds of slaps and the gravel crunching underfoot. The dialogue between Bud and the fat guy could be more pointed and charged, revealing more about their respective characters. Finally, the ending where Bud gives the cash and keys to the wife should be more emotionally resonant, with Bud acknowledging the weight of what he's just done.



Scene 3 - Christmas Bust
INT. STAGE FOUR (VARIETY INTERNATIONAL PICTURES) - NIGHT

The "Badge of Honor" set. A Christmas party in full
swing. Eating, drinking, and dancing. Star Brett Chase,
seen earlier on television, is holding court.

LAPD Sgt. "Trashcan" JACK VINCENNES, late 30s with slick,
good looks, dances with a young ACTRESS. Grinding their
way through a ballad, they're obviously hitting it off.

ACTRESS
Brett Chase told me you're the cop
who busted Bob Mitchum.
(grinds closer)
These 'Badge of Honor' guys like
to pretend, but being the real
thing must be a thrill.

JACK
Let's go someplace quiet. I'll
give you the low-down on Mitchum.

ACTRESS
You got your handcuffs with you?

JACK
Two sets.

ACTRESS
I'll get my coat.

They're interrupted by Sid Hudgeons.
HUDGEONS
Big V Jack Vincennes! May I have
this dance?

JACK
Karen, this is Sid Hudgeons from
Hush-Hush magazine.

ACTRESS
I know who he is.

The Actress storms off. Jack looks to Sid.

HUDGEONS
We did a piece last year.
'Ingenue Dykes In Hollywood.' Her
name got mentioned.

JACK
Is she?

HUDGEONS
Beats me. Look, Jackie-Boy, a
friend of mine just sold some
reefer to Matt Reynolds. He's
tripping the light fantastic with
Tammy Jordan at 2245 Maravilla,
Hollywood Hills. It's right
around the corner.

JACK
You lost me, Sid. Who?

HUDGEONS
Contract players at Metro. You
pinch 'em. I do you up feature in
the next issue. Plus the usual
fifty cash. Tell me, am I fucking
Santa Claus?

JACK
I need an extra fifty. Two
patrolmen at twenty apiece and a
dime for the watch commander at
Hollywood Station.

HUDGEONS
Jack! It's Christmas!

JACK
No. It's felony possession of
marijuana.


EXT. 2245 MARAVILLA - NIGHT

WITH a VIEW of Grauman's Chinese. Jack and two uniformed
patrolmen wait on the darkened street. An arc light has
been set up. Hudgeons creeps back over from the house.

HUDGEONS
They're sitting in the dark,
goofing on the Christmas tree.

JACK
Stand there with your camera.
I'll stop here so you get
Grauman's Chinese in the
backgrouns.

HUDGEONS
I like it! I like it!


INT. 2245 MARAVILLA - NIGHT

The arc light floods the living room about the same time
that Jack kicks the door in. The room is caught flush:
Christmas tree, a bag of weed on the couch, two kids
necking in their BVDs. MATT REYNOLDS and TAMMY JORDAN.

JACK
Police!

EXT. 2245 MARAVILLA - NIGHT

Jack exits, hauling Jordan and Reynolds by the neck.
Jack stops with Grauman's FRAMED behind him and Hudgeons
CLICKS off several shots with his CAMERA.

HUDGEONS
Cut! Wrap it!

Windows light up. Rubberneckers appear. Jack hands the
kids to the patrolmen, heads back in with Hudgeons in
tow.


INT. 2245 MARAVILLA - NIGHT

Jack scoops the pot, flips through an address book. A
card falls out. "Fleur-de-Lis. Whatever you desire..."
Jack looks from the card out the window at the kids being
loaded into a black and white. They're both crying now.

HUDGEONS
(stantorian tone)
It's Christmas morning in the City
of Angels, and while decent
citizens sleep the sleep of the
righteous, hopheads prowl for
marijuana, not knowing that a man
is coming to stop them. The free-
wheeling, big-time Big V,
celebrity crime-stopper, Jack
Vincennes, the scourge of
grasshoppers and junk fiends
everywhere. You like it, Jackie-
Boy?

JACK
Yeah, it's subtle.
Sid hands him a President Grant 50.

HUDGEONS
Remember: you heard it first here,
off the record, on the Q.T. and
very Hush-Hush.


INT. HOLLYWOOD STATION - DISPATCH DESK - NIGHT

Suspects, mostly drunk and disorderly, are ushered
through. Sgt. ED EXLEY, 30, bespectacled, is at the desk
with a YOUNG OFFICER. Exley is an up-and-comer. Burning
with ambition. The faster he rises through the ranks,
the more resentment he leaves in his wake.

EXLEY
What's on the call sheet?

YOUNG OFFICER
A guy dressed as Santa has been
exposing himself to kids in Los
Feliz. Apparently, sir, he's
decorated himself.

EXLEY
Decorated?

YOUNG OFFICER
With tinsel and plastic icicles
and... on his penis, sir.

EXLEY
I get the idea. You got a
description?

YOUNG OFFICER
Of his penis, sir?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Film Noir"]

Summary Sergeant Jack Vincennes and Hush Hush publisher Sid Hudgeons set up a drug bust at a Christmas Party, arrest two young actors for marijuana possession and then try to use them to get to bigger targets. While doing so, they attract a crowd and Hudgeons takes photos to publish in his magazine. After the bust, they bring the suspects to the Hollywood Station where Sergeant Exley is on duty, dealing with other unusual crimes.
Strengths "Interesting dialogue, unique set up for story, introduces various characters in a compelling way"
Weaknesses "Possible objectification of women and racial minorities, lack of depth to characters"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to depicting Hollywood in the 1950s by focusing on the cost of fame and the moral challenges faced by law enforcement officers in this environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

Jack Vincennes desires to maintain his reputation as a celebrity crime-stopper and also use his detective work to make some extra cash. This reflects his desire for fame and fortune at the expense of his moral compass.

External Goal: 9

Jack's external goal in this scene is to arrest Matt Reynolds for possession of marijuana. This goal reflects the challenges Jack is facing as a detective who must balance his desire for fame and his duties as a law enforcement officer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between morality and the desire for fame and fortune. This challenge Jack's values, beliefs, and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and fast-paced dialogue, as well as the tension between Jack's desire for fame and his duty as a detective.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it moves quickly and efficiently through the various actions and dialogue, creating tension and building towards the resolution of the external conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective/crime drama genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique Overall, the scene is well written and engaging. However, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, it's not entirely clear what the main objective of the scene is. It seems like the scene is introducing Jack Vincennes and setting up his character as a celebrity cop who takes bribes and gets involved in investigating Hollywood scandals. However, it's not clear what the larger purpose of this scene is in terms of the story arc.

Secondly, some of the dialogue could be tightened up. For example, the exchange between Jack and the Actress could be condensed to give it more punch.

Lastly, the description of the scene could benefit from more sensory details to help the reader more fully imagine the setting and characters.

Overall, the scene has potential, but it could benefit from some small tweaks to make it more effective.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension: Right now, the scene feels a bit too casual for the story's genre, which is likely a crime drama. Consider adding more tension to the scene, perhaps by having some underlying conflicts or ulterior motives that are not immediately apparent.

2. Use more subtext: While the dialogue is functional, it could use more subtext to convey what the characters are really thinking or feeling. For example, when the Actress asks if Jack has his handcuffs, he could respond with something that implies he knows that she knows it's a cheesy pick-up line, but he is amused by it.

3. Consider the pacing: This scene is fairly lengthy and could be trimmed down for better pacing. One possibility is to condense the conversation between Jack and Sid and have Jack go straight to the bust without the extra dialogue.

4. Use more visual description: The scene could benefit from more visual description, especially during the bust scene. The writer could add more description of the setting and characters to help the audience visualize the scene better.



Scene 4 - Liquor Store Bust
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - HOLLYWOOD LIQUOR - NIGHT

Tinsel-trimmed photos of movie stars look down from the
walls as the OWNER takes an order from LYNN BRACKEN.

LYNN
A case each of gin, Scotch, and
rum. Everything top shelf. None
of that watered-down stuff you
push on Errol Flynn.

OWNER
(laughs)
Sounds like a helluva party.

Her hair kerchiefed, Lynn waits as the Owner writes it
up. There's glamour, a cat-girl grace about Lynn. She
seems like she belongs up on the wall with the movie
stars. Lynn looks across as Bud White heads toward the
counter. Spotting her, Bud doesn't look so tough for a
moment.

OWNER
You want it delivered?

LYNN
Before five tomorrow.

The Owner spots Bud. A big smile turns to a frown.

OWNER
I'll be right with you, Lynn.

The Owner begins indiscriminately loading hard liquor
into a cardboard box, leaving Bud and Lynn to look at
each other. Bud says the only thing he can think of.

BUD
Merry Christmas.

LYNN
Merry Christmas yourself, Officer.

BUD
That obvious, huh?

LYNN
(smiles sweetly)
It's practically stamped on your
forehead.

As the Owner bangs a case of liquor on the counter...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD LIQUOR - NIGHT

Bud exits with his booze, heads for the car. Something
catches his eye. A woman in the rear passenger seat of a
new Cadillac. SUSAN LEFFERTS. Both her eyes are black.

Bud starts over. The case on his hip, he motions for her
to roll down the window. The driver's side door opens
and bodyguard TURNER "BUZZ" MEEKS menaces his way out.

MEEKS
Get lost why don't you?

Meeks stops short as Bud shoves his badge in Meeks' face.
Setting the case on the car's hood, Bud spins Meeks
around, pats him down. He finds a .38 in a shoulder
holster.

MEEKS
I got a license for that.

Bud removes Meeks' wallet, checks the ID.

MEEKS
Cut me some slack. I used to be a
cop.
BUD
Turner Meeks? Never heard of you.

LYNN
(exiting store)
We just call him Buzz.

Bud raps on Susan's window with his badge. It comes
down.

BUD
You okay?

Beside her, a man leans over. Pierce Patchett, seen
before at the freeway unveiling, is a man used to being
chauffeured. Like FDR, he smokes his cigarette in a
holder.

PATCHETT
She's fine.

BUD
(menacing)
I'm not asking you.

Patchett has no idea he's walking on thin ice. As he
stares impatiently at Bud, Bud looks back to Susan.

BUD
Somebody hit you?

LYNN
It's not what you think.

Bud looks to see Lynn Bracken moving to the driver's
door.

BUD
What is it then?

SUSAN
You got the wrong idea, Mister.
I'm fine.

Susan laughs. Patchett eases back into the shadows.

LYNN
(getting in the car)
But it's nice to know you care.

Bud considers Meeks' gun license, then hands him back the
.38 and wallet. Lifting his booze, Bud watches Meeks get
back in the car.

Stensland steps up as the cabbie starts to pull away.

STENSLAND
What's going on?

For an odd moment, Stensland and Meeks lock eyes.
BUD
You know him?

STENSLAND
Seen him around. He used to be a
cop.

CUT TO:


CLOSE ON DUDLEY SMITH

Fifty, handsome in his police captain's uniform. Singing
"Silver Bells" in a beautiful low tenor. Tough,
respected, Dudley goes to bed as a cop every night of his
life. He's a department power to be reckoned with.


INT. PRECINCT HOUSE - MUSTER ROOM - NIGHT

An L.A. Herald Express REPORTER and photographer listen
along with the gathered patrolmen as Dudley finishes to
applause. Dudley joins the press.

REPORTER
Captain Smith, I --

DUDLEY
Drop the formalities; it's
Christmas Eve. Call me Dudley.

REPORTER
Dudley, I came up with a title for
the story. I'm calling it "Silent
Night with the L.A.P.D."

DUDLEY
Excellent. How's this?
(dramatic pause)
The sanctity of the night is an
invitation to the darker criminal
element. Our vigilance will not
be diminished.

As the Reporter scribbles down the quote...

DUDLEY
That's Smith with an S.

They laugh. Dudley points the way out.

DUDLEY
This way, gentlemen.

Dudley's the last one out the door. As he goes, he turns
back to give the men a wink. He's no sooner out the door
when the first case of Johnny Walker is brought in.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Bud White sees a woman with two black eyes in a Cadillac outside a liquor store and goes to investigate, leading to a tense confrontation with the woman's bodyguard and the car's owner, Pierce Patchett.
Strengths "Tense confrontation between characters with different backgrounds and motivations."
Weaknesses "The scene does not move the overarching plot forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

This scene is fairly original in its portrayal of the violence and danger that lurks beneath the surface of Hollywood glamour. The characters' actions and dialogue ring true to the time period and location, and the scenes highlight complex moral dilemmas.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Bud White's internal goal in this scene is to protect and serve the community, even if it means risking his own safety. His actions throughout the scene reflect his desire to uphold the law and protect the victims of violence.

External Goal: 9

Bud White's external goal in this scene is to investigate the black-eyed woman in the Cadillac, whom he suspects may be a victim of domestic violence. He also aims to confiscate Turner Meeks's illegal firearm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Bud's duty as a police officer and the criminal underworld that is protected by power and money. Bud struggles to reconcile these opposing forces as he interacts with Lynn Bracken and Pierce Patchett, who represent the opposite ends of this spectrum.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the tension that builds between the characters and the danger that lurks just beneath their superficial interactions. The subtle dialogue and nuanced character reactions add to the intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is deliberate and allows for more subtle character development than some other similar scenes. The technical writing proficiency is strong and the dialogue and action flow smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with specific details about character movements and reactions. The use of subheadings to indicate location and time of day helps orient the reader.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a relatively standard format for its genre, with clear establishing shots, dialogue, and action. However, the pacing is slower than in some other similar scenes, allowing for more subtle character development.


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene sets up a lot of tension and intrigue, particularly with the introduction of Susan and Patchett in the Cadillac. There is also some great dialogue between Lynn and Bud, showcasing their chemistry and dynamic. However, the scene could benefit from some more visual descriptions and action, as it is mostly dialogue-driven. Overall, though, it sets up some interesting plot threads and leaves the audience wanting to know more.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene feels a bit slow and lacks tension. Consider adding some conflict between Lynn and Bud, or having Meeks react more violently to Bud searching him.

2. Streamline the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, such as Lynn saying "It's practically stamped on your forehead" to indicate that Bud is a cop. Consider cutting some of the unnecessary lines to make the dialogue more concise and impactful.

3. Show, don't tell: There's a lot of exposition in this scene, such as the descriptions of Lynn and Dudley's character. Instead of telling the audience these things, consider finding ways to show their personalities through their actions and dialogue.

4. Add more visual interest: While there are some interesting visuals in the scene, such as the tinsel-trimmed photos and the black-eyed Susan, adding more interesting camera angles or movements could help make the scene more engaging.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more tension and streamlined dialogue, as well as finding ways to show character traits instead of relying on exposition.



Scene 5 - A Police Officer's Moral Compass
INT. PRECINCT HOUSE - DISPATCH DESK - NIGHT
Ed Exley gets another report from the Young Officer.

YOUNG OFFICER
Two police officers were assaulted
in a bar. Brown and Helenowski.

He hands the report to Exley. It's now that Dudley comes
through on his press junket.

DUDLEY
This is Sergeant Ed Exley. Son of
the legendary Preston Exley. He's
the watch commander tonight and a
damn fine job.

As the photographer snaps Exley's picture...

DUDLEY
I was fortunate enough to be
partnered with his father when I
was a rookie. It makes a man feel
old. That's a fact.
(a beat)
Feel free to get a feel for the
place.

As the Reporter and photographer wander off, Dudley turns
to Exley a bit more serious.

DUDLEY
A word with you, lad.


INT. DUDLEY SMITH'S OFFICE - DAY

Dudley pours two drinks, hands one to Exley.

DUDLEY
To the memory of your father.

They drink. Exley looks to a photo on the wall.

Himself as a ten-year-old standing between Dudley and his
father Preston, both in police uniform.

DUDLEY
The day he got the Medal of Valor.
A simpler time.

Remembering, Exley invokes his father's favorite toast.

EXLEY
To the solving of crimes that
require absolute justice.

Exley raises his glass, but Dudley just watches him.

DUDLEY
That was his favorite toast.
(a beat)
I saw the test results on the
lieutenant's exam. You placed
first out of twenty-three.

EXLEY
The youngest applicant by eight
years.

DUDLEY
You'll make lieutenant inside a
year. Patrol division?

EXLEY
I was thinking Detective Bureau.

We can see Dudley doesn't approve.

DUDLEY
You don't have the eye for human
weakness to be a good detective.
Or the stomach. You're a
political animal, Edmund.

The criticism stings, but Dudley's a straight shooter.

EXLEY
You're wrong.

DUDLEY
Am I...? Would you be willing to
plant corroborative evidence on a
suspect you knew was guilty in
order to ensure an indictment?

EXLEY
Dudley, we've been over this.

DUDLEY
Answer yes or no.

EXLEY
I... No.

DUDLEY
Would you be willing to rig crime
scene evidence to support a
prosecuting attorney's working
hypothesis...? Yes or no, Edmund.

EXLEY
No.

DUDLEY
Would you be willing to beat
confessions out of suspects you
knew to be guilty?

EXLEY
No.

DUDLEY
Would you be willing to shoot
hardened criminals in the back to
offset the chance --

EXLEY
No.

DUDLEY
Then for God's sake, don't be a
detective. Stick to assignments
where you won't have to make those
choices. Patrol, Internal
Affairs, but not the Bureau.

EXLEY
I know you mean well, Dudley, but
I don't need to do it the way you
did. Or my father.

DUDLEY
At least get rid of the glasses.
I can't think of one Bureau man
who wears them.


INT. PRECINCT HOUSE - MUSTER ROOM - NIGHT

A large impromptu bar has been set-up. The party is in
full swing, the floor packed with nightwatch blues. A
PHONOGRAPH SPEWS DIRTY CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

Stensland pours eggnog and Old Crow into the water cooler
as Bud elbows his way in with another case.

STENSLAND
Hey, partner. Grab a cup.

BUD
I got to write my report first.

PASSING COP #1
Hear about Helenowski and Brown?
They got into a helluva scrap with
six taco benders at some bar.
Helenowski lost six pints of
blood. Brown's in a coma.

PASSING COP #2
We ought to teach Paco and his
friends a lesson.

More cops vocie their agreement. Bottles are passed.
Only Bud doesn't seem as caught-up as the rest.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Dudley Smith questions Ed Exley's suitability for becoming a detective by asking him a series of tough moral questions.
Strengths
  • Great use of dialogue and character development to explore themes of morality and integrity within the police force
  • Good pacing and tone
  • Conveys the tension between ambition and doing the right thing
Weaknesses
  • Limited action or plot development
  • Setting of party with loud music and commotion may distract from dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The scene presents a fresh take on the classic mentor-mentee relationship, exploring the dynamics of power and corruption in a police department.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Ed Exley’s internal goal is to become a detective and follow in his father’s footsteps, while also upholding his own moral code.

External Goal: 7

Ed Exley's external goal is to navigate his relationship with Dudley Smith in the hopes of achieving his dream of becoming a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the compromise of morals for the greater good. Dudley Smith encourages Ed to do so, while Ed wants to uphold his morals while still achieving his goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the snappy, tension-filled dialogue between Exley and Smith, and the tension of the internal philosophical conflict Ed is facing.

Pacing: 8

The fast-paced dialogue and quick scene changes help to maintain the tension and sustain engagement with viewers/readers.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, using standard scene headers and character names.

Structure: 10

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre by presenting dialogue-driven scenes that reveal character and move the plot forward.


Critique Overall, this scene is well written with good dialogue that provides insight into the characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the scene transitions are abrupt and could benefit from some more descriptive text to make them flow better. For example, when the scene changes from the precinct house to Dudley Smith's office, there is no indication of how much time has passed or why they are meeting.

Secondly, the introduction of Dudley Smith feels forced and comes across as a bit of an info dump. It would be more effective if we had a chance to see him in action before being told how great he is. Alternatively, if he is going to be introduced this way, it would be better to have the information revealed more gradually throughout the scene.

Finally, the scene ends abruptly without any real resolution or closure. It feels like it could benefit from a stronger concluding line or action to tie it up neatly.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to strengthen it.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give the characters more distinct voices: Both Dudley and Exley are speaking in a very similar tone, which can make it hard for the audience to differentiate between them. Introduce some variance in their speech patterns to make them sound more unique.

2. Make the conflict more explicit: Right now, the conflict between Dudley and Exley is all subtextual. Consider having them argue more explicitly about their differing perspectives on policing, power, and morality.

3. Cut down on the exposition: The scene contains quite a bit of exposition, particularly in Dudley's speech where he explains his perspective on policing. Consider condensing this information into a shorter, more poignant speech.

4. Add more sensory details: The scene could benefit from more sensory details to help the audience better visualize the environment and atmosphere. For instance, instead of simply stating that "a large impromptu bar has been set up," describe the smell of alcohol, the sound of laughter, and the feel of the crowded room.

5. Develop Bud's character more: Bud seems to be an important character, but there isn't much development happening with him in this scene. Consider adding a subplot or moment of character development for him during the party.



Scene 6 - Police Brutality
INT. PRECINCT HOUSE - NARCO PEN - NIGHT

Jack Vincennes at his desk. Holding the Fleur-de-Lis
card, Jack dials the number. A corkboard on the wall is
posted with press clippings. "Dope Crusader Wounded in
Shootout." "Actor Mitchum Seized in Marijuana Shack
Raid." That one includes a shot of Jack ushering Mitchum
into jail.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(over phone, like
silk)
Whatever you desire.

JACK
Hi... I'd like to get a delivery
to Beverly Hills.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
I don't think I know you.

CLICK. The line goes dead. Jack redials.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
Whatever you desire.

JACK
Look, a friend of mine gave me
this number. I just --

The line goes dead again. Jack dials a new number.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
(filtered)
Pacific Coast Bell.

JACK
This is Sgt. Vincennes.
Requesting a name and address on a
phone number. Hollywood zero-one-
two-three-nine.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
(filtered)
Please hold the line... No such
number is assigned.

JACK
I just called it.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
No, Sergeant. I checked twice.

JACK
(realizes, hangs up)
A bootleg...


INT. MUSTER ROOM - NIGHT

Exley surveys the carousing rowdies. Raising his
voice...

EXLEY
All right, men. You've had your
fun. Time to break it up.
The party continues undiminished. From across the room,
Stensland eyes Exley with disdain.

STENSLAND
Fucking Exley. Guy's got a pole
so far up his ass, every time he
farts the flag waves.


WATCH COMMANDER'S OFFICE

The command not really his, Exley reads a report, ignores
the party, though his window looks into the thick of it.

Suddenly a ripple goes through the room. The men begin
to push out through a rear door. Exley stands, stops a
COP.

EXLEY
What's going on?

COP
They got the spics who japped
Helenowski and Brown. Helenowski
lost an eye and Brown's got brain
damage.

EXLEY
I have the report right here.
They're home with bruises and
muscle pulls -- Oh shit...

Exley starts out after them.


INT. CELL BLOCK - NIGHT

Stensland in the lead. Pulling out a blackjack, he
enters Cell #4, begins wailing on one of the Mexicans --
Dinardo.

STENSLAND
For ours, Pancho. And you're
getting off easy.

Cheered on by drunks in the tank and his fellow officers,
Stensland goes wild. He's joined by Lentz, Crumley and
Tristano. Shaking his head, Jack Vincennes moves away.


INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT

Bud types his report with one finger. Jack looks in.

JACK
White, you better get a lease on
Stens before he kills someone.


INT. CELL BLOCK - NIGHT
Followed by Jack, Bud forces his way through the crowd.
The men who see it's him quickly clear a path.

Swigging from a pint of gin, Stensland works skinny
GARCIA. Head saps. The kid drops to his knees drooling
blood.

Bud grabs Stensland, hauls him off of Garcia who looks
up.

GARCIA
Fuck you, pendejo.

BUD
Yeah yeah...

GARCIA
And fuck your mother too.

Bud sees red. Letting go of Stensland, Bud White picks
up Garcia by the neck. There are cheers, "Attaboys" and
"Holy Fucks" as Bud bangs Garcia's head on the ceiling.

EXLEY
(arriving)
Stop, Officer! That's an order!

Cops block Exley's way. As Bud looks over, Garcia kicks
him in the balls. A dangling shot. Bud keels into the
bars, Garcia stumbles out of the cell, smack into Jack.

Jack looks down aghast at blood on his cashmere blazer,
then puts Garcia down with a left-right.

Exley pulls a pad of paper and pen form his pocket.

EXLEY
You're going in my report! All of
you!

Exley has just started taking names when Bud grabs him by
the scruff of the neck and hauls him off balance into...


HALL

As Exley struggles, a cop opens the door to the store
room. Bud slings Exley inside, then slams the door
tight. Exley is locked in. As Bud moves off, we hear
POUNDING.

EXLEY (V.O.)
Let me out! That's an order!


CELL BLOCK

The Herald Reporter and photographer enter unchaperoned
and unnoticed. Stensland swings like a madman. That's
when a flashbulb goes off. Freezing everyone in black
and white.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Stensland and a few other police officers brutally beat up Mexican prisoners while the rest of the squad is partying in the muster room. Exley arrives at the scene and tries to stop them, but is locked up in a store room by Bud White. A reporter and photographer sneak in and take pictures of the incident.
Strengths
  • tense and impactful
  • shocking portrayal of police brutality
  • well-written character interactions
Weaknesses
  • potentially triggering for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 10

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene follows familiar police procedural tropes but adds a unique twist with the activity of police officers engaging in illegal activity. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions of the characters adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 0

There is no clear internal goal for the protagonist in this scene.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to trace a phone number and gain its location. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing, which is gathering information for his case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging due to the tension and violence present and the fast-paced dialogue between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in showcasing the fast-paced and violent nature of police work and corruption.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear scene headings and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene is well-written and follows the expected structure for its genre.


Critique This scene is well-written and effective in establishing the characters of Jack Vincennes and Bud White while also highlighting the corruption and violence within the police department. The use of the Fleur-de-Lis card as a plot device is clever and helps move the story forward. The dialogue is realistic and the action is well-described. However, the scene could benefit from clearer scene headings to indicate changes in location and time, as well as more attention to describing the visual elements of the scene. Overall, this scene sets up intriguing conflicts that will interest viewers and keep them engaged in the story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer motivations and character actions.

In the first part of the scene, Jack's phone call could be made more suspenseful by having him actively try to convince the woman on the other end to help him, perhaps even offer her something in return. This would make the sudden hang-up more impactful and increase tension in the scene.

In the mustering room, Exley's attempt to break up the rowdy party could be more dynamic. He could try different tactics before finally raising his voice to get the crowd to quiet down, showing his persistence and dedication to his duty.

When Stensland enters Cell #4, it isn't clear why he immediately starts attacking Dinardo. Adding a brief exchange or backstory to show tension between the two characters would make the scene more emotionally impactful. Additionally, having more officers actively try to stop Stensland's violence would add to the drama and highlight the corruption and brutality of the LAPD.

Finally, Exley's being locked in the store room seems abrupt and unclear. If he were actively arguing with the other officers, trying to stop them from hurting the prisoners, it would make more sense for Bud to physically remove him from the situation. The scene could end with Exley furiously pounding on the door, adding another layer of tension and drama to the moment.



Scene 7 - Bud White's Dismissal and Exley's Rise
INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

The CHIEF sits behind a desk in a four-star uniform.
Dudley Smith sits to his left, D.A. Ellis Loew to his
right. Seen earlier at the Mickey Cohen press
conference, Loew is the only civilian. Bud White stands
across from them. There to be judged.

CHIEF
Officer White, you've refused to
cooperate with Internal Affairs.
But you should know this is bigger
than a police board. Indictments
may be handed down. Quite
frankly, we need police witnesses
to offset the damage done to the
Department's image. Will you
testify?

Bud glances to a gray tinted mirror, then to the Chief.

BUD
No, sir. I won't.

The Chief sighs, looks to Loew.

CHIEF
District Attorney Loew.

Loew steps to Bud, holds up a newspaper with the cell
block photo. The headline: "BLOODY CHRISTMAS."

LOEW
Bloody Christmas. The press love
to label. You and Officer
Stensland brought the liquor into
the precinct. Stensland was
already drunk. Do you see how
appearing as a voluntary witness
against him could offset the
damage you've done to yourself?

BUD
I won't do it.
(staring at mirror)
I won't testify against my partner
or anyone else.

LOEW
This man is a disgrace.

CHIEF
Your badge and gun, Officer.

Bud sets them on The Chief's desk.
CHIEF
This is the new L.A.P.D., White.
You're suspended from duty and
dismissed.

Turning, White shoots the mirror a stiff middle finger as
he makes his way out. Dudley Smith hides a smile.


OTHER SIDE OF GLASS

Exley watches, involuntarily leans back as Bud passes on
the other side of the glass.


THE CHIEF'S OFFICE

Dudley, Loew and The Chief wait as Exley enters.

CHIEF
Ed, your observations have been
astute. What's your assessment of
this situation?

EXLEY
The public demands justice, sir.
This was a full-fledged riot of
policemen. Shift the guilt to men
whose pensions are secured. Force
them to retire. But someone has
to swing. Indict, try and convict
Stensland and Bud White. Secure
them jail time. Feed them to the
sharks, sir. Protect yourself;
protect the department.

Dudley gives Exley a look. He's angry with him.

DUDLEY
Stensland's a disgrace. Straight
D fitness reports from every C.O.
he ever served under. But White
is a valuable officer.

EXLEY
White's a mindless thug.

DUDLEY
No, Edmund. He's a man who can
answer yes to those questions I
ask you from time to time.

The Chief interrupts with his own concern.

CHIEF
I want to know who we give the
public in contrast? The
department needs role models.
Clean-cut, forthright men the
public can admire.
EXLEY
I'll testify, sir. I'm not afraid
to do what's right.

CHIEF
And I'll promote you. You'll be a
lieutenant immediately.

Exley seizes the moment, going over Dudley's head.

EXLEY
Detective lieutenant.

The Chief and Dudley exchange a look. Neither approves.

CHIEF
Ed, you're 30. Your father didn't
make lieutenant until he was 33.

EXLEY
I know that, sir. I also know
that when he made lieutenant, it
was as a detective.

LOEW
(interrupting)
Before we start polishing our
laurels, it would look better if
we had a corroborative witness.

DUDLEY
That'll be hard to come by. The
men hate a turncoat.

EXLEY
Jack Vincennes. He's the
technical advisor on 'Badge of
Honor,' sir. He lives for it.
That's the way to get him.

CHIEF
All right, Ed.
(into desk
intercom)
Call Sergeant Vincennes.

As Exley starts out, Dudley pulls him aside, speaks low.

DUDLEY
You'll reap the benefits, but are
you truly prepared to be despised
within the department?

EXLEY
Yes, Dudley. I am.

DUDLEY
So be it.


JACK VINCENNES
Looking sharp, he strides down the hall, enters the...


CHIEF'S OFFICE

Round two. Centred on Jack. Exley is gone.

DUDLEY
Sergeant, we'll get right to it.
Nine civilian witnesses have
identified you as hitting Ezekiel
Garcia.

LOEW
But my office has a stellar
witness who will tell the grand
jury that you hit back only after
being hit.

JACK
What do I have to do?

LOEW
Testify against the three officers
who have already earned their
pensions. Our key witness will
testify roundly, but you can plead
ignorance to questions directed at
the other men.

CHIEF
I'll guarantee you a slap on the
wrist. A brief suspension
followed by a temporary transfer
from Narcotics to Ad Vice.
(a beat)
When you transfer out of Vice,
you'll be back on the show.

JACK
The show, sir?

CHIEF
Badge of Honor, Vincennes. We
need to tone down your profile for
a bit.

The Chief just got Jack where he lives.

DUDLEY
John, I doubt you've ever drawn a
stupid breath. Don't start now.

JACK
Okay. I'll do it.

Smiles all around. Loew smiles at the two-way. A move
not lost on Jack who wonders who might be on the other
side.
CHIEF
Dismissed, Vincennes.

Jack leaves. The Chief steps to the mirror, looks
through.

CHIEF
So be it. Detective Lieutenant.


OTHER SIDE OF GLASS

Exley clenches his fist in victory. The Chief continues.

CHIEF
Ace them at the grand jury
tomorrow, son. Wear the smart-
looking suit and ace them. And,
Ed? Lose the glasses.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary The chief questions Bud White about his cooperation with internal affairs and asks him to testify against his partner and fellow officers. White refuses, leading to his dismissal. Exley advises the chief to secure a conviction against those involved to appease the public. Dudley questions Exley's morality and his willingness to be despised in the department, but Exley remains steadfast in his resolve. Meanwhile, Jack Vincennes agrees to testify against other officers involved in a police brutality case in exchange for a temporary transfer to Ad Vice. The scene ends with the chief granting Exley's request of promotion to detective lieutenant and urges him to wear a suit and lose his glasses for the grand jury tomorrow.
Strengths "The scene establishes an ongoing power dynamic between the chief, Dudley, and Exley. It further deepens the internal conflicts within the LAPD and the consequences of police brutality."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and relies heavily on dialogue."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

This scene has a high level of originality, with fresh situations emerging as a result of reliable attention to detail in character dialogue and actions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Bud White's internal goal is to maintain his honor and loyalty towards his partner and the police force. He is trying to avoid turning against his partner and colleagues.

External Goal: 9

Bud White's external goal is to maintain his reputation and position as a police officer. He is fighting to keep his badge and gun and avoid suspension and dismissal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict revolving around the question of loyalty towards colleagues versus loyalty towards doing the right thing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it masterfully captures a tense and high-stakes meeting to extract information from an unwilling participant.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is masterful, with the tension and suspense of the conversation maintaining a steady tempo that keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear direction and descriptions that help set the tone and keep the reader engaged in the world created.

Structure: 8

This scene follows a structured format for its genre, efficiently and effectively establishing conflicts and plot developments that will be critical to the narrative.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue feels realistic and captures the tension of the situation. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. Lack of description: There is very little description of the characters or the setting, which makes it difficult to visualize the scene. Adding more visual cues would help the reader better engage with the story.

2. Lack of backstory: It is not clear from this scene what has led up to this moment, which can be confusing for the reader. Providing some context and backstory to the situation would help the audience better understand the stakes and motivations of the characters.

3. Dialogue could be more nuanced: While the dialogue is well-written, it can be a bit on-the-nose at times. Adding more subtext and nuance to the conversations would make them feel more realistic and dynamic.

Overall, the scene is strong, but would benefit from a bit more fleshing out and attention to detail.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict between the characters to increase the stakes and make the scene more engaging for the audience. Right now, the scene seems to be moving along smoothly without much resistance from the characters. Perhaps showing more pushback from Bud White and his loyalty to his partner could heighten the tension, as well as showing more reluctance from Exley to testify and betray his fellow officers. Additionally, adding some physical movement or blocking could make the scene more visually interesting, rather than just having the characters sit and talk the entire time. Finally, tightening up the dialogue and sharpening the language could also make the scene more impactful.



Scene 8 - Exley and Jack Discuss Testifying
INT. ROOM 114 (GRAND JURY WITNESS ROOM) - DAY

Glasses off, Exley waits, looks up as Jack enters.

JACK
You're the key witness?

EXLEY
That's right.

JACK
I should've known. What's the
Chief throwing you?

EXLEY
Throwing me?

JACK
Yeah, Exley. What's the payoff?

EXLEY
You're the payoff expert. I'm
just doing my duty.

JACK
You're playing an angle, college
boy. You're getting something out
of this so you don't have to
hobnob with the fucking rank and
file cops who'll hate your guts
for snitching. If they're making
you a detective, watch out. Some
Bureau guys are gonna burn in this
and you're gonna have to work with
friends of theirs.

EXLEY
What about you?

JACK
I'm snitching three old timers
who'll be fishing in Oregon next
week. Next to you I'm clean. And
smart.

At that, a CLERK steps in from the hallway.

CLERK
Edmund J. Exley to chambers.

As Exley's about to go...

JACK
Just remember, Bud White'll fuck
you for this if it takes the rest
of his life. They already
suspended him. Just pray he cops
a deal and stays on the Department
because that is one civilian you
do not want on your case.
Genres: ["crime","drama","mystery"]

Summary Exley and Jack discuss their roles as key witnesses in an upcoming trial, with Exley being promoted to detective lieutenant as a result. Jack warns Exley about the potential consequences of testifying and the possibility of retaliation from Bud White.
Strengths "Tense dialogue between Exley and Jack, with significant warnings about the potential consequences of testifying. The reader sees the potential danger of being a key witness in an ongoing investigation."
Weaknesses "The scene is largely expository, providing necessary information to advance the plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

While the situation of a witness being pressured is not necessarily unique, the writer's approach to the power dynamics and dialogue is fresh and effective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 10

Exley's internal goal is to maintain his integrity and duty as a witness, even when being pressured and threatened by Jack. This reflects his desire to be a moral and upstanding citizen, as well as his fear of being ostracized by his peers for snitching.

External Goal: 9

Exley's external goal is to testify as a witness in the upcoming trial. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, as well as his duty as a police officer to bring justice to criminals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between staying true to one's moral code and duty as a witness, versus succumbing to pressure and protecting oneself. This challenges Exley's beliefs and values as a police officer, as well as his desire to be respected and trusted by his colleagues.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively communicates the tension and stakes of the situation through efficient and purposeful dialogue and clear power dynamics between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and conveying the stakes of the situation, while also providing necessary exposition and character motivation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear beginning, middle, and end that effectively communicates the tension and stakes of the situation.


Critique This scene does a good job of establishing the dynamic between Jack and Exley, as well as the stakes of the situation they're in. The dialogue is sharp and builds tension, with Jack trying to suss out Exley's motives for testifying against their colleagues. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the scene lacks visual detail. We don't know anything about the setting or the characters beyond what's in the dialogue. Adding in some descriptive details or actions could help make the scene more immersive.

Secondly, the scene doesn't have a clear goal or conflict. While the tension between Jack and Exley is palpable, we don't know what either character is trying to achieve. What does Jack hope to gain by warning Exley about Bud White? What does Exley want to get out of testifying? Giving each character clear objectives can make the scene more dynamic.

Lastly, the scene could benefit from more subtext. Right now, the dialogue lays everything out on the table - we know exactly what each character is thinking and feeling. Adding in some nuance or hidden agendas can make the scene more interesting.

Overall, this scene has potential, but could be improved with some more visual detail, clearer goals and conflicts, and more subtext.
Suggestions 1. Add more description to the setting and actions of the characters in the scene. This will help to engage the audience visually and emotionally.

2. Show more conflict between Jack and Exley. The conversation is important, but it needs more tension to make it interesting for the audience.

3. Add more depth to the characters. Give them more backstory and motivation, so the audience can connect and empathize with them.

4. Add more subtext to the conversation between Jack and Exley. The audience should read between the lines and understand the unsaid emotions and thoughts of the characters.

5. Make the scene more visually interesting. Use close-ups and different camera angles to create a dynamic and engaging scene.

6. Use dialogue that is more specific to the characters and their personalities. This will help to differentiate them and make them more memorable for the audience.



Scene 9 - Offer and Loyalty
INT. TWILIGHT LOUNGE - NIGHT

An old black guy in a frayed, threadbare tux plays piano.
Bud, nursing a highball at the bar, steps over to a
REDHEAD with too much make-up on too many miles.

BUD
That an old fashioned you're
drinking?
(as she nods)
My name's Bud.

REDHEAD
Nobody was born with the name Bud.

BUD
They stick you with a name like
Wendell, you look for an alias.

REDHEAD
What do you do, Bud?

BUD
I'm sorta between jobs. Look,
what do you say we, uh...

A hand on Bud's shoulder. He turns to see Dudley Smith.

DUDLEY
Lad, may I have a word with you?

BUD
This business, Captain?

DUDLEY
Say goodnight to your friend and
join me by those back tables.

Dudley starts off. Bud turns back to Redhead, but she's
already talking to a sailor.


BOOTH

Dudley sits at a table. A newspaper is opened, a little
mound underneath. Bud joins Dudley.

BUD
Does that paper say we've been
indicted? Does it say Exley's a
hero for squealing me and
Stensland off?

DUDLEY
He made his play amd he got what
he wanted. They're making him a
detective.

BUD
Captain, what do you want?

DUDLEY
Call me Dudley.

BUD
Dudley, what do you want?

DUDLEY
Lad, I admire your refusal to
testify and your loyalty to your
partner. I admire you as a
policeman, particularly your
adherence to violence as a
necessary adjutant to the job.
And I am most impressed with your
punishment of wife beaters. Do
you hate them, Wendell?

BUD
(looks away)
Yeah, I hate them.

DUDLEY
And for good reason judging from
what I know of your background.

Bud looks back over. Dudley's getting too personal.

BUD
What's going to happen to
Stensland? He'll give himself
cirrhosis over this. He's one
year from his pension.

DUDLEY
It would've happened years ago if
you hadn't carried him. Why the
loyalty, Wendell?

BUD
He helped me out once. That's all.

DUDLEY
Your partner's through.
Department scapegoat on the
Chief's orders. He's been billed,
he'll be indicted and he'll swing.

BUD
Him and me both. Fucking Exley.

DUDLEY
Don't underestimate his skills.
As a politician he exceeds even
myself. But the department needs
smart men like Exley and... direct
men like yourself

BUD
What do you want?

DUDLEY
Wendell, I want you to come to
work for me.

BUD
Doing what? Mowing your fucking
lawn?

Smith yanks the newspaper revealing Bud's badge & .38
Special. Bud can't believe his eyes.

DUDLEY
They're yours. Take them.

BUD
I knew you had juice, but...
There's no goddamn bill on me?

DUDLEY
Four of the defendants recanted
their testimony.

BUD
How?

Dudley dismisses the question with a wave of his hand.

DUDLEY
I need you for an assignment the
Chief's given me the go-ahead on.
A duty few men are fit for, but
you were born for. You'll be
working out of Homicide.

BUD
(excited)
Homicide? A detective?

CHIEF
Your talents lie elsewhere,
Wendell. It's a muscle job and
shooting job. You'll do what I
say and not ask questions. Do you
follow my drift?

BUD
(disappointed)
In Technicolor.

DUDLEY
Will you work for me?

BUD
Of course... But how?

DUDLEY
How what, Wendell?

BUD
How'd you get them to retract?

Dudley lays brass knuckles on the table. They're
chipped, caked with blood.

DISSOLVE TO:


L.A. MONTAGE

Over the pop song "STRANGER IN PARADISE."

A) EXT. GRAUMAN'S CHINESE - NIGHT

Frank Sinatra at the premiere of From Here to
Eternity.

B) INT. KLUB ZAMBOANGA - NIGHT

Charlie "Bird" Parker makes magic before an
appreciative, mostly black crowd.

C) TORCH SONG TAVERN (RIVERSIDE) - NIGHT

Nate Janklow exits with his latest flame. A mob
lieutenant, Nate was last seen with Mickey Cohen
outside the Federal Courthouse in the opening
montage. A CAR SCREECHES up. TWO GUNS aim and Nate
and his date do down in a proverbial HAIL OF LEAD.

D) EXT. FREEWAY - DAY

A groundbreaking. The Mayor scrapes at the ground
with a gold shovel. Pierce Patchett is among the
distinguished guests.

END OF MONTAGE
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Dudley recruits Bud for a secretive mission after praising his police work and loyalty to his partner. Bud's newfound hope for a detective job is crushed when Dudley assigns him to a muscle and shooting job in Homicide instead. A violent montage depicting various events around Los Angeles follows.
Strengths "Strong and believable dialogue, good use of imagery and tension building."
Weaknesses "The pace at which the characters speak may be confusing to some."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8.5

Originality: 6

The scene is fairly typical of the film noir genre, with its emphasis on organized crime and police corruption. However, the writer's unique voice and skilled direction elevate the scene's authenticity and make it feel fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal is to understand his place in the criminal underworld and his loyalty to his partner. He wants to know how to advance his career and whether he can trust Dudley Smith.

External Goal: 8

Bud's external goal is to find out what Dudley Smith wants him to do for him and how it will impact his future career as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The conflict is between Bud's loyalty to his partner and his ambition to advance his career. He grapples with the idea of betraying Stensland to protect himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it establishes a sense of tension and danger through its gritty dialogue and taut direction. The characters' motivations and conflicts are well established, and the action moves quickly.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it moves quickly and establishes the key conflicts and character motivations in a short amount of time. The quick cuts and close-ups add to the sense of urgency and danger in the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows standard formatting practices for its genre. The location is established with an INT/EXT slugline, and the dialogue is formatted with character names in all caps.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre. It establishes the seedy setting, introduces characters with ulterior motives, and sets up the conflict between Bud and Dudley.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. The dialogue is sharp and the characters are well-defined. The scene is effectively tense as Dudley approaches Bud, revealing that he has been indicted and his loyalty to his partner may not be enough to save him.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. One issue is that there is not much action or movement in the scene. It mostly consists of two characters sitting at a table talking. This could be enlivened by adding some physical action or movement, such as Bud getting up from the table and pacing or reacting more visibly to Dudley's revelations.

Also, some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose, particularly Dudley's exposition about Exley's political skills and the department's need for "smart men." This could be made more subtle by having the characters show these traits instead of having them explicitly stated.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene with well-defined characters and effective tension.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the characters more: The scene could benefit from more details about the characters. For example, what motivates Bud's loyalty to Stensland? What is Dudley's background and how has he risen to a position of power?

2. Create more tension: While the scene does have some tension, it could be heightened by adding more conflict or suspense. For example, Bud could question Dudley's motives and push back more against his offer.

3. Use more sensory details: The scene could be more immersive if it included more sensory details. For example, what does the Twilight Lounge smell like? What does the piano music sound like?

4. Cut down on exposition: There is a lot of information given in this scene, particularly about the past and the characters' backgrounds. This exposition could be cut down to make the scene more focused and engaging.

5. Show, don't tell: Some of the dialogue is on-the-nose and could be replaced with actions or reactions that show what the characters are thinking or feeling. For example, instead of Dudley saying "I admire you," he could show it through his body language or actions.



Scene 10 - Police and Criminals
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

The marquee gushes: "Today Sgt. Joe Reno: Badge of
Honor Star Brett Chase."


INT. HOLLYWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY

A nerdy 14-YEAR-OLD asks Brett Chase:

14-YEAR-OLD
Why'd you become a policeman?

CHASE
I'm not a policeman. I just play
one on television. But I think I
can answer for them. To help
people. That's why I do the show.

Chase looks over and winks at Jack who waits in the
wings.

CHASE
To protect and serve. It's not
just a motto.

As the kids applaud, Chase joins Jack who gives him a
quick drag of a cigarette. A nervous PA joins them.
Chase points out a fetching girl in the second row.

CHASE
That one. In the sweater.
(to Jack)
They also serve who only stand and
wait.

Chase and Jack watch the PA ask "Sweater" a question
while pointing to Chase. Maybe sixteen, she nods "yes"
eagerly.

CHASE
Jack, I'll see you Monday on set.

JACK
I won't be there. They're toning
down my profile.


PRINTING PRESS

The latest issue of Hush-Hush flies through. On the
cover: "Gail Russell Caught In Love Nest. Nymph or
No?"


INT. CITY JAIL - DAY

Bud White flips through today's booking slips, finds one
that's interesting. Reading to himself...

BUD
Domestic. Assault and battery.

Containment Squad strong-arms, BREUNING and CARLISLE
pause as they pass.

CARLISLE
Ready to go, Bud?

BUD
I'll be there in five minutes.


CITY JAIL - HALLWAY

Bud walks to a door covered in sheet metal. He opens it
to reveal a holding tank with a burly, jumpsuited
PRISONER.

BUD
I hear you like to hit women.

PRISONER
My wife. She's dropping charges
so it's none of your business.

Bud enters, closes the door behind him. A beat, we hear
the sounds of FISTS ON FLESH. It's Bud's business now.


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT

Deuce Perkins (the Mickey Cohen narcotics lieutenant seen
earlier) stands at the bookshelf. He pulls down books to
reveal a shoe box. He sets it on his desk, pulls back
the cover to reveal several bags of white powder.
Heroin.

A BRANCH SNAPS outside. Perkins opens a drawer, fishes a
revolver. Turning off the light, he heads to the window.
His finger parts the curtains. At that instant, he
staggers, falls as GUNFIRE rips into him.

The heroin just sits there on the desk.


EXT. McNEIL PENITENTIARY - DAY

Grim-faced guards scan the yard from machine-gunned
towers.


INT. McNEIL PENITENTIARY - VISITOR BOOTH - DAY

Mickey Cohen sits across from visitor Johnny Stompanato.
Cohen is going off the handle.

COHEN
What do you mean Deuce Perkins got
clipped last night?!

STOMPANATO
They shot him in his library.

COHEN
I don't want a floor plan; I want
to know who! Who's taking the
ticket for this, Johnny?

STOMPANATO
Nobody. At least not yet.

COHEN
And what about the merchandise
Deuce was holding for me?

STOMPANATO
Gone. Not a trace.

COHEN
Some ferstunkener is moving in and
we don't know who?! Maybe we
should ask Hedda Hopper!

As "STRANGER IN PARADISE" ENDS, so does the MONTAGE.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary The scene covers various events around Los Angeles including an interview with a TV actor, a police officer taking matters into his own hands, a drug bust gone wrong, and a conversation between Mickey Cohen and Johnny Stompanato in prison.
Strengths "The scene has a clear focus on plot developments and raises the stakes of the story. It also shows the consequences of previous actions and sets up further conflict."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been stronger and more impactful."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The scene has a level of originality in its approach to gritty crime fiction. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic to their particular roles and challenges.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

There are different protagonists throughout the scene, and their internal goals vary. Brett Chase's internal goal is to maintain his image as a protector of justice and aid his friend in finding a romantic partner. Bud White's internal goal is to bring justice to domestic abusers. Mickey Cohen's internal goal is to maintain his power and influence.

External Goal: 9

Brett Chase's external goal is to maintain his reputation as a protector of justice and to help his friend find a romantic partner. Bud White's external goal is to bring justice to domestic abusers. Mickey Cohen's external goal is to maintain his criminal enterprise and maintain power and influence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the desire for justice and the desire for power and influence. The conflict challenges the protagonists' beliefs and values, forcing them to make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it establishes a gritty and dangerous world, with characters facing difficult moral challenges and dangerous situations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating tension and urgency through short scenes and sparse description.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with short scenes and a focus on character dialogue and action rather than exposition.


Critique Overall, the scene lacks coherence and focus. It seems to jump around from different characters and locations without giving the audience a clear sense of what's happening or why it's important.

The dialogue feels forced and stiff, especially the exchange between Brett Chase and the 14-year-old. It's unclear why he would be winking at someone offstage during a school presentation, and the line "They also serve who only stand and wait" feels tacked on and out of place.

Similarly, the scene with Bud White in the jail, while potentially interesting, doesn't have any real build-up or resolution. It simply cuts from him flipping through booking slips to confronting a prisoner, with no sense of tension or stakes.

The scene with Deuce Perkins and the heroin is more engaging, but it's over too quickly and it's not clear how it fits into the larger story.

Overall, the scene needs more focus and purpose. Each element should serve a clear narrative function and help move the story forward in some way. The dialogue should flow more naturally and not feel like it's just filling space. And the action should build to a climax or resolution that leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and conflict to the scene at Hollywood High School. Perhaps have a student ask Chase a more challenging or controversial question, forcing him to defend his character and the show. This would create more depth to the character and add to the overall conflict of the story. Additionally, the scene with Bud White in the City Jail could be expanded upon to show more of his character, such as his motivations and beliefs. Overall, adding more depth to the characters and conflict would strengthen the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 11 - Ad Vice and Narco
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - AD VICE - DAY

Addressing the squad, a no-nonsense VICE CAPTAIN picks up
a stack of magazines.

VICE CAPTAIN
Picture-book smut, gentlemen.
There's been a bunch of it found
at collateral crime scenes lately.
Mostly narcotics and prostitution
collars.

As the Vice Capt. hands it out for the men to examine,
new member Jack Vincennes arrives late.

VICE CAPTAIN
Look who's back from suspension.
We're honored, Sergeant Jack.

The men laugh. Jack sits, flips a magazine. Men and
women. Men and men. Girls and girls. Girls and horses.

JACK
Gee. The Great Jerk-Off Book
Caper of 1953.

VICE CAPTAIN
Vincennes, is there someplace
you'd rather be?

JACK
Yeah, Cap. Back in Narcotics.

VICE CAPTAIN
Oh? Anyplace else?

JACK
Working whores with squad two.
VICE CAPTAIN
Maybe you should have thought of
that before you made Bloody
Christmas page one.

Vice Capt. retrieves the magazines, hands them to Jack.

VICE CAPTAIN
They're yours. Make a major case,
Sergeant. It's the only way
you're getting out of here.

Exaggerated "oohs" and "aahs" from the men.

VICE CAPTAIN
Dismissed, gentlemen.

As they go, Jack sees the books are stamped: "Fleur-de-Lis
Whatever you desire." Jack takes the matching
business card from his wallet, the one he found on
Christmas Eve.

VICE CAPTAIN
Roll, Vincennes. No sidetracks.
This is Ad Vice, not Narco.


INT. HOLLYWOOD STATION - NARCO PEN - DAY

Jack Vincennes is at his desk. Holding the Fleur-de-Lis
card, magazines spread before him, Jack dials the number.


INT. HUSH-HUSH MAGAZINE OFFICE - DAY

Sid Hudgeons sits behind his desk, answers the phone.

HUDGEONS
Hush-Hush. Off the record and on
the Q.T.

JACK (V.O.)
Sid, it's Vincennes.

HUDGEONS
Jackie, are you back on Narco? I
need copy.

INTERCUT WITH Jack at his desk:

JACK
No. But I've got something going
with Ad Vice.

HUDGEONS
Something good?

JACK
Don't know. I'm chasing picture
books. Fuck shots, but the posers
don't look like junkies. It's
well done stuff. I thought you
might have heard something.

Hudgeons reaches into a stack of papers, pulls out a
magazine like the one Jack has.

HUDGEONS
Not a word.

JACK
What about Fleur-de-Lis? Their
slogan's 'Whatever you desire.'

HUDGEONS
No. No, I've heard bupkis. Jack,
I'll talk to you later. Call me
when you get something I can use.
Smut's from hunger. For sad sacks
who can't get their ashes hauled

The LINE CLICKS off. Jack hesitates a moment before
cradling the receiver. Something's not right here.


EXT. HOLYWOOD STATION - PARKING LOT - TWILIGHT

As Exley pulls in, his two-way drones:

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Park Rangers report three Negro
youths discharging shotguns into
the air in Griffith Park.
Suspects are driving a late model
purple Mercury Coupe.

As the report ends, Exley switches off the two-way and
gets out of his car.


INT. HOLLYWOOD STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT

Accompanied by Bud, Dick Stensland crams the contents of
his desk into a box. Well-wishing cops pat him on the
back, offer words of encouragement, but Stensland looks
like he's going to cry.

It's very bad timing as Exley enters, comes face-to-face
with them. This is hatred.

Acting on impulse, Bud goes after Exley. It's a mauling.
Four vicious body shots. A potentially lethal head shot
sails wide as Exley falls to the ground.

As four men move to hold Bud back, Exley looks up at him.

EXLEY
(gasping)
You're just a thug, White. That's
all you'll ever be.

Dudley steps into the fray. He helps Exley to his feet.
DUDLEY
You should stay away from a man
when his blood is up.

EXLEY
His blood's always up.

Four cops are genuinely having trouble holding Bud back.
Dudley watches with something bordering on admiration.

DUDLEY
Then maybe you should stay away
from him all the time.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Exley is promoted to detective lieutenant while Jack navigates Ad Vice. Bud is assigned to a muscle job.
Strengths "Strong character dynamics and conflict"
Weaknesses "Lack of clarity in some scenes"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The concept of smut magazines being found at crime scenes is not entirely new, but the character dynamics and the specific setting in Los Angeles add a unique spin to the genre.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Jack Vincennes' internal goal is to redeem himself from his past mistakes and move up in the police department. He wants to work on important cases and not be stuck in Ad Vice. He also has a desire for justice and morality in the face of corruption.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to investigate the source of the smut magazines and uncover whether there is a connection to larger crime organizations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between justice and corruption. The Vice Captain represents corruption and Jack Vincennes represents justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, conflict between characters, and the underlying tension of corruption and morality.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective because it moves quickly and efficiently while still allowing for character development and conflict to be established.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre of a screenplay, with clear headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre of a police procedural. It sets up the problem, introduces characters, and advances the plot in a clear and concise manner.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character development. The tension between Jack and the Vice Captain is clear, and their respective personalities are well-developed through their interactions. The dialogue is realistic and moves the plot forward.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of setting. Additionally, the action at the end of the scene, with Bud attacking Exley, feels a bit sudden and could benefit from more build-up or foreshadowing earlier in the scene. Finally, while the dialogue is good, it may come across as a bit too on-the-nose in terms of exposition - there could be more subtle ways to convey information about the plot or characters.
Suggestions 1. Develop the characters: The Vice Captain, Jack Vincennes, and the magazine distributor Sid Hudgeons need more character development. This will help the audience understand their motivations and behavior.

2. Give more context: While the scene is focused on the discovery of picture book smut and the tension between characters, it might be useful to provide more context about the crimes that are occurring in the city. This will make the discovery of the magazines more impactful.

3. Make the dialogue more authentic: Some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the conversation between Jack and Sid. It would be great to make the dialogue more authentic and realistic, to make the characters feel more like real people.

4. Build more tension: There’s already some tension between the characters, but it could be heightened. Instead of the characters being angry with each other, have them searching for a common goal or trying to solve the same mystery. This will build more tension and make the scene more exciting.

5. Create a stronger sense of setting: The scenes change quickly, and it’s hard to get a sense of the setting. Providing more visual clues and descriptions about the locations will help the audience feel more immersed in the story.



Scene 12 - Nite Owl Massacre
EXT. HOLLYWOOD STATION - PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Accompanied by Bud, Stensland reaches his car, loads his
box of stuff into the trunk. Bud is moody, pensive.

STENSLAND
Don't look so down in the mouth,
Bud. You nailed him good.

BUD
Yeah, sure... I got a couple of
hours before I have to be at the
Victory. Want to grab a beer?

STENSLAND
Rain check me, partner. I got
something big going on tonight.

BUD
What? That new mystery girl
you've been seeing?

STENSLAND
No. I'll tell you sometime. Not
now. Don't want to jinx it. But
it could take the edge off that
jail time I got coming.

BUD
What are you talking about?

STENSLAND
It's confidential, Bud. Like that
magazines Vincennes scams for.
Hush-Hush.
(smiles)
I'll see you tomorrow. And hey,
if it works out, you'll get a
piece of it.

Stensland gets in the car, drives off. Bud is left
alone.


INT. HOLLYWOOD STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
Exley sits alone in a sea of desks. The SQUAWK BOX
DRONES. Exley squints at the clock on the wall, can't
make it out. He takes his glasses from the inside of his
jacket. 2:00 A.M. Finally, something to do. He walks
to the wall calendar, tears off Feb. 28 to reveal Mar. 1.

As Exley sits, the call SQUAWK BOX booms to life.

VOICE
Squad call! Nite Owl Coffee Shop
One-eight-one-two-four Cherokee!
Multiple homicides! Multiple
homicides! Code three!


EXT. HOLLYWOOD AND CHEROKEE - NIGHT

Patrol cars. Blues setting up a crime scene blockade.
Exley pulls up, DOUSES his SIREN. PATROLMAN #1 runs
over.

PATROLMAN #1
Loads of people down. Men.
Women. I stopped for coffee --

Exley pushes him aside, heads for the door. It's wide
open.


INT. NITE OWL - NIGHT

Exley takes mental snapshots. Ten stools front a
counter. The side wall mural-papered: winking owls
perched on street signs. On the right a string of
tables. Three in disarray. Food spilled, dishes broken.
A high-heel pump by an upended chair.

Heel drag marks across the linoleum floor heading back
toward the kitchen. Exley follows. Past an open, empty
cash register. Outside -- SIRENS.


SERVICE RUNWAY

Crisscrossed drag marks connect, lead to a walk-in...


FOOD LOCKER

Blood-soaked bodies on the floor. Five, maybe six in a
tangle. Dozens of shotgun shells float in the pools of
blood. As Exley struggles to maintain his composure...

ROOKIE (O.S.)
Holy shit fuck...

Exley looks at a green-faced ROOKIE in the locker
doorway.

ROOKIE
S-s-sir, there's a captain outside
wants to see you.

EXLEY
Don't get sick! Not in here!

Exley shoves the Rookie, puking, out the door.


EXT. NITE OWL - NIGHT

Patrolmen hold back a swarm of reporters and rubber-
neckers. HORNS BLAST. Motorcycles run interference for
meat wagons cut off by the crown. As Ed emerges,
reporters surge, shout questions. Exley hurries past,
finds Dudley in command and barking orders.

EXLEY
Sir, I took the call. It's my
case.

DUDLEY
Edmund, you don't want it and you
can't have it.

EXLEY
Yes, I do, sir.

DUDLEY
It's mine. I'll make you my
second in command.

Exley spots a photographer moving in. He looks properly
serious as the flash bulb pops.


INT. NIGHT OWL - NIGHT

Forensics Chief RAY PINKER walks Exley and Dudley
through.

PINKER
We got a total of forty-five spent
12-gauge Remington shotgun shells.
Three men with five-shot-capacity
pumps. All of them reloading
twice.

EXLEY
Hold on... We need to canvass.
See if a purple Mercury was seen
around here tonight.

DUDLEY
Why?

EXLEY
We got a call earlier on three
Negro youths. Firing shotguns in
Griffith Park from a late-model
purple Mercury Coupe.
DUDLEY
(to his adjutant)
Get on it.

A FORENSICS COP approaches Pinker.

FORENSICS COP
We got an I.D. on one of the
victims, sir... I think it's Dick
Stensland.

Exley and Dudley react, look at each other.


EXT. VICTORY MOTEL - DAWN

Set in a no-man's-land of bulldozed homes. A sign
proudly announces the impending arrival of the freeway.
The motel is surrounded by a barbed-wire fence.
Abandoned but for a pair of LAPD cars and a light burning
in room 6.

An unmarked pulls up and Exley and Dudley step out. They
start forward, but a SCREAM inside 6 stops Exley short.

DUDLEY
With Mickey Cohen in prison, Los
Angeles is organized crime free.
The Chief wants it to stay that
way, Edmund. The means are not
for the weak-hearted.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Exley and Dudley lead an investigation of a mass shooting at a diner, which may have links to a case they were already working on. The scene showcases the brutality of the crime and the pressure put on law enforcement to maintain the city's status as 'organized crime free.'
Strengths "Intense and thrilling investigation of a brutal crime"
Weaknesses "The scene feels slightly rushed in some moments"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 9

Originality: 8

The scene is fresh in the way it portrays corruption and the battle of good cops against bad cops. The setting in Hollywood and Nite Owl diner is also evocative and adds to the tone of the scene. The dialogue is authentic and true to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Exley's internal goal is to prove his competence and gain recognition from his seniors in the LAPD. He wants to solve the case and be in control of it, despite Dudley taking over.

External Goal: 9

Exley's external goal is to investigate the homicides at Nite Owl and solve the case. He wants to find who did the murders and bring them to justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 10

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between trying to maintain law and order vs. using brutal and unethical means to solve crimes. This conflict challenges Exley's beliefs and values and his understanding of the corruption he faces.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 10

The scene is engaging because of its tense and dramatic events, strong characterizations, and gripping dialogue.

Pacing: 10

The pacing of the scene is effective in creating tension and suspense, with a gradual build-up and a dramatic climax that pushes the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows expected formatting for the genre of a screenplay with clear and concise descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows expected structure for the genre of a crime thriller with a clear set up, crime event, and investigation. It also follows the typical structure of escalating tension and action.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and serves its purpose in setting up the inciting incident for the rest of the film. The dialogue between Stensland and Bud feels natural, and provides some interesting foreshadowing with Stensland's secretive plans.

The transition to Exley alone in the squad room is also well done, using visual cues to establish the time and his boredom before the call comes in.

The description of the crime scene at the Nite Owl is vivid and disturbing, effectively conveying the horror of the situation. The dialogue between Exley and Dudley is also strong, with Dudley's warning to Exley about the means they will use to maintain Los Angeles' organized crime-free status adding tension and substance to their relationship.

One minor critique could be that there is some exposition provided in dialogue, such as when the question of the purple Mercury is raised by Exley, but it's not too overt and still feels natural. Overall, well done.
Suggestions 1. Establish the context: It would be helpful to know why Stensland and Bud were at the station and what their job is. Adding a brief description of their job and the case they were working on would provide a better understanding of their situation.

2. Develop character motivations: Bud's moody and pensive behavior should be explained. What is he feeling and why? Does he have any personal connection to the case they just worked on? Additionally, Stensland's mysterious comment about something "big" going on needs to be more clear. What is at stake for him?

3. Add more tension: The scene needs more tension to add interest for the audience. Adding in some conflict between Stensland and Bud or giving the audience a sense of impending danger or suspense would help.

4. Provide more visual detail: The description of the Nite Owl crime scene needs more visual detail to create a vivid mental image for the audience. Providing specific details about the surroundings and the state of the crime scene would help bring the scene to life.

5. Clarify dialogue: Some of the dialogue is a bit vague and hard to follow. Clarifying the meaning behind Stensland's comments and adding more clarity to the conversation between Exley and Dudley would improve the scene's quality.



Scene 13 - The Interrogation and Morgue Visit
INT. VICTORY MOTEL - ROOM 6 - DAWN

Bare. A table and chair bolted to the floor. A tough
FLAT-NOSED GANGSTER is cuffed to the hot seat. On the
table are a .45 and a fat roll of $100 bills.

Breuning and Carlisle watch as Bud White delivers a
couple of short, stiff body shots. Flatnose is not used
to being on the receiving end. All the same, we get the
idea Bud's a bit reluctant.

Bud's back is to Dudley and Exley who enter behind him.

DUDLEY
Come, Wendell, you can do better
than that.

Bud turns, sees Exley and Dudley. A beat. As Bud looms
over Flatnose, the gangster babbles. Snitch-frenzied.

FLATNOSE
I know things. I hear things.
Like with the Mick inside, things
are on this weird slowdown.
(MORE)

FLATNOSE (CONT'D)
These shooter teams, bang bang
bang, they're 86-ing Mickey
Cohen's men.

DUDLEY
We know all that, lad. Tell us,
who do these shooters work for?

FLATNOSE
I don't know. No one knows.
Maybe they're mavericks. You want
a prostie roust? Huh? Some narco
action?
(breaking down)
What do you want?!

DUDLEY
We want you to go home.
(to Breuning)
Uncuff him, Michael.

Dudley turns to Exley.

DUDLEY
Mr. Sifakis is a known loan shark
from San Francisco. He arrived
this afternoon at Union Station.
Looking for business opportunities
in our fair city. An organized
crime associate in need of re-
education in the ways of polite
society.

Uncuffed, Flatnose rubs his wrists. Wary. As Breuning
steps back, Flatnose snatches the .45 off the table.

FLATNOSE
Motherfuckers!

Exley dives for cover, but the other four cops just stand
there. Dudley looks down on the floor at Exley.

DUDLEY
It's part of the play, Edmund. A
sincerity test.

Flatnose looks at the gun a beat, then squeezes the
TRIGGER. CLICK CLICK. No bullets.

DUDLEY
(to Breuning)
Sit him back down.

CLICK, CLICK. They shove Flatnose back in the hot seat.
Dudley offers a hand to Exley, helps him to his feet.

DUDLEY
Wendell, you need to accompany
Detective Lieutenant Exley on
official police business. I'll
finish up here.
INT. EXLEY'S PLYMOUTH - DAY

They drive in silence. No love lost here. Finally.

BUD
Where are we going?

EXLEY
It's a surprise. You like
surprises, don't you, White?


EXT. COUNTY MORGUE - DAY

Exley pulls up. Bud looks to him. Really curious now.


INT. COUNTY MORGUE - HALLWAY - DAY

Exley and Bud walk. An orderly wheels a covered corpse
toward them from the other end of the hall. Bud's
spooked. The orderly wheels the body in to the
examination room.

As Bud and Exley pass, the CORONER pulls back the sheet,
is surprised at the sight of a woman who we don't quite
see.

CORONER
Call me crazy, but for a second I
thought it was Rita Hayworth.


MORGUE MEAT LOCKER

Exley and Bud walk past a wall of drawers to where a
coroner's assistant waits.

EXLEY
We need you to I.D. the body.
There's no next of kin and you
knew him best. So tell me...

The assistant pulls open drawer 12. A naked man.

A tag on his toe and half his face blown off.

EXLEY
Is that Dick Stensland?

Stunned, Bud stares at what's left of his old partner.

BUD
Yeah, that's Stens.

EXLEY
Hell of a way to avoid a prison
sentence.
Bud's torn between wanting to smash Exley and finding out
why Stensland is dead. He squeezes out the words.

BUD
What happened?

EXLEY
Someone held up a coffee shop,
panicked and killed six people.

Then, from the hall...

WOMAN (O.S.)
Not my baby! Not my little girl!
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Bud, Dudley, and Exley interrogate an organized crime associate who provides information about recent shootings in the city. After the interrogation, Exley takes Bud to the morgue to identify a body, which turns out to be Bud's former partner, Dick Stensland.
Strengths "Tense atmosphere, emotional impact of Bud seeing Stensland's body, good dialogue."
Weaknesses "Some plot elements feel disjointed."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situations are familiar, such as the interrogation of a gangster, but the tension and drama are created through the characters and their actions. The characters' dialogue is authentic and believable, which adds to the realism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 9

Bud White's internal goal in this scene is to find out what happened to his old partner, Dick Stensland. This reflects Bud's loyalty to his fellow officers and his desire to seek justice for him.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to interrogate the gangster for information about who the shooters are that are killing Mickey Cohen's men.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the corrupt police officers who are using violent tactics to get information and the protagonist, Bud White, who is committed to justice and finding out the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it creates tension between the characters and the situation. The dialogue is minimalistic and to the point, which adds to the feeling of danger and violence. The twist at the end of the scene also adds to the overall engagement of the audience.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it creates tension and drama through minimalistic dialogue and action. The scene moves quickly and efficiently, which adds to the overall feeling of danger and violence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene is well-formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and actions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, then moves into the action of the interrogation. The scene ends with a twist when Flatnose grabs the gun and clicks it, revealing that it was all part of the plan.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively creates tension. The dialogue is natural and believable, and the action flows smoothly. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, some of the descriptions are a bit vague. For example, it's not entirely clear what Flatnose looks like, other than having a flat nose. Adding more detail could help to bring the character to life and make the scene more immersive.

Secondly, the scene could benefit from some more physical action. While there is tension and conflict, there's not a lot of movement or excitement on the page. Adding some more physicality, such as Bud White throwing punches or Exley diving for cover, could help to make the scene more cinematic and engaging.

Overall, though, the scene effectively moves the plot forward and sets up the next chapter of the story. With a few small tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from better description of the setting and character actions. Instead of just saying the room is "bare," more details could be added to create a grungier, seedier atmosphere. Additionally, the actions of the characters could be more specific and detailed, such as describing the way Bud delivers his body shots or the way Flatnose struggles against his restraints.

There could also be more suspense built up leading to the gun reveal. Perhaps Flatnose could be more agitated or nervous, and the camera could focus on the gun on the table before the big reveal.

Finally, the dialogue could be tightened up to create more tension and intrigue. Instead of Flatnose babbling about various things, his dialogue could focus solely on the shooters and their mysterious employer, and the other characters could press him harder for information. Additionally, the dialogue between Exley and Bud could be made more tense and confrontational to reflect their animosity towards each other.



Scene 14 - Identification and briefing
INT. COUNTY MORGUE - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

HILDA LEFFERTS, 50, enters with the coroner to ID the
body of her daughter, Susan.

There's stray buckshot in the upper chest and shoulders,
but a sheet hides the real damage. It's the girl Bud saw
outside Hollywood Liquor. Without the black eyes, she
does look like Rita hayworth.

As Bud and Exley appear, Mrs. Lefferts looks confused.

CORONER
Is this your daughter, Mrs.
Lefferts?

MRS. LEFFERTS
I -- I don't know.

EXLEY
We know this is difficult. Just
take your time and look again.

Exley doesn't realize, but Bud recognizes the deceased.

MRS. LEFFERTS
It seems like my Susan, but...

EXLEY
When was the last time you saw
her, Mrs. Lefferts?

MRS. LEFFERTS
At Christmas. We had fought. I
didn't like her boyfriend. I --
she has a birthmark on her hip.

The Coroner lifts the sheet. Mrs. Lefferts gasps.

MRS. LEFFERTS
It's her. My baby. Dear God...

As Mrs. Lefferts swoons, Bud and Exley both hold her up.
INT. LAPD HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

The room buzzes, jammed to the rafters with every
detective standing ready. The Chief waits as Dudley
Smith takes the mike, holds up an L.A. Times headline.

DUDLEY
'Nite Owl Massacre.' Hyperbole
aside, this is a heinous crime
that requires a swift resolution.
The public will demand it and this
department will provide it. Six
victims. One of them, one of our
own -- Dick Stensland.
(as the cops react)
As it happens, he was a Nite Owl
regular. In the wrong place at
the wrong time.

Bud White listens, not too sure. Stensland said he had
something big going on...

DUDLEY
Robbery looks like the motive. We
have rubber glove prints on the
register and preliminary forensics
strongly lean toward a trio of
gunmen. We do have one hot lead,
so listen well. Three Negro
youths were seen last night
discharging shotguns in the air at
Griffith Park.
A park ranger I.D.ed them as
driving a 1948 to 1950 Mercury
Coupe, purple in color. An hour
ago, a canvassing crew found a
news vendor who saw a purple Merc
Coupe parked across from the Nite
Owl around 3:00 A.M.

The room goes loud, a big rumbling. Dudley holds up a
list.

DUDLEY
The D.M.V. worked all night to get
us a registration list on '48 to
'50 purple Mercs. There are 142
registered to Negroes in L.A.
County. Fifty two-man teams will
shake three names apiece. Hot
suspects you'll bring here.
Interrogation rooms have been set
up. They'll be run by Lieutenant
Edmund Exley. Hollywood Squad.

Catcalls. Boos. The Chief steps to the mike.

CHIEF
Enough on that. Gentlemen, just
go out and get them. Use all
necessary force. The people of
Los Angeles demand it.

The men exchange knowing looks. The real message: kill
them clean. Exley doesn't approve. As the men hurry
out...

EXLEY
He might as well have put a bounty
on them.


INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY

Detectives pairing up and moving out. Scanning his three
name list, Bud joins his PARTNER for the day.

BUD
Can you take them? I got
I got something I gotta do.

PARTNER
Christ, I don't know. What if one
of these names...

BUD
What I gotta do is for Stensland.
My partner.

The guy looks at him a beat, nods. As Bud heads off...


EXLEY

watches everyone go. Wishes he could be part of the
action. He spots Jack talking to his REDNECK partner for
for the day.


JACK AND REDNECK

Redneck chews tobacco, has a Texas drawl.

REDNECK
Where to, Trash?

JACK
If we go by the list, we have
about zero chance of making the
collar. But I know a guy who
knows what's going on south of
Jefferson. I'm betting he could
put us at 50/50.

REDNECK
I don't know...

As Redneck thinks, Exley steps up. He's overheard.

EXLEY
I'll take those odds.
(to Redneck)
Take off. We got it from here.

Jack stares. Redneck shrugs, spits tobacco juice in a
cup.

REDNECK
Between the two of you guys, you
should bring along a photographer.


INT. HOLLYWOOD LIQUOR - DAY

Last time we saw the Owner was Christmas Eve. He looks
up from a customer as Bud strides in, badge out front.

BUD
I need an address on a customer of
yours. Her name was Lynn.

OWNER
That's all I have to go on?

BUD
Yeah. And I think you already
know who I mean, so cough it up.

OWNER
Lynn Bracken. There's a billing
address and a delivery address.

BUD
Give me both. Billing first.
Genres: ["crime","drama","mystery"]

Summary Exley and Bud take Hilda Lefferts to identify the body of her daughter, Susan, who was found dead after the 'Nite Owl Massacre'. Meanwhile, the LAPD is briefed on the situation and receives a lead about the perpetrators. Bud also asks for information on a woman named Lynn.
Strengths "The scene effectively sets up the stakes and motivations for the LAPD's investigation into the Nite Owl Massacre. The moment when Hilda Lefferts identifies her daughter's body is a powerful emotional moment that is well-portrayed."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit clunky and on-the-nose, such as when the Chief tells his men to 'use all necessary force'. There also isn't a lot of action in this scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 6

Though there is nothing groundbreaking, the scene's authenticity and the character's actions feel genuine. The scene shows a group of detectives working together to solve a crime, which has found its way in many other scripts too. Still, the writer manages to create a sense of intrigue and tension that keeps the reader hooked.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Bud's internal goal is to avenge the death of his partner Dick Stensland, indicating a sense of loyalty, justice, and revenge. He has something big going on and is determined to see this through, even if it means personal sacrifice.

External Goal: 8

Bud's external goal in this scene is to find a lead to crack the 'Nite Owl Massacre'. He asks the liquor shop owner for the address of Lynn Bracken, the customer he saw at the shop. Though the scene does not show how it can bring him close to the leads; it is essential for his character development.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 3

There is no evident philosophical conflict present in this scene, except for the potential conflict of using excessive force that Exley quotes about the Chief.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging because it manages to create tension, introduce new leads, and set the tone for the investigation. The reader gets to know more about Bud and his intentions, establishing him as a significant character for the rest of the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it keeps the readers engaged while providing enough information to move the story forward. The dialogue is crisp and concise, which helps maintain a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the standard format for the genre, using scene headings, action, and dialogue. It is easy to follow and serves its purpose.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure of the genre and serves its purpose. It introduces a new lead, sets the tone for the investigation, and moves the story forward.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-structured and moves the story forward. The tension is palpable as Mrs. Lefferts identifies her daughter's body and as the police department gears up to find the killers. The character dynamics are also established, such as Bud's dedication to finding the truth for his partner and Exley's frustration at not being given permission to be more involved.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose at times, such as when Exley says "He might as well have put a bounty on them." Additionally, some of the character descriptions are unnecessary, like Redneck's Texas drawl. These details could be shown through the actor's performance instead of telling the audience outright.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the next part of the story, but could benefit from some refining in the dialogue and character descriptions.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the character of Hilda Lefferts: She enters the scene to ID the body of her daughter, but we don't know anything else about her. Perhaps adding a few lines of dialogue to show her grief and anguish would make the scene more emotional.

2. Connect the opening scene at the morgue to the later scene at the LAPD headquarters: The scene at the morgue feels disconnected from the rest of the script, so finding a way to tie it into the larger story would make it more impactful.

3. Use visual descriptions to heighten the tension: The scene at the morgue is emotionally charged, but there are no visual cues to enhance the sense of dread. Adding details about the lighting, the sound of the characters' footsteps, and the general atmosphere of the room could help create a more ominous mood.

4. Give Exley a stronger reaction to the Chief's orders: Exley comments that the Chief's orders amount to a "bounty" on the suspects, but the character could have a stronger reaction to the implicit call for violence. Making Exley more conflicted about the mission he's been given would add depth to the character.

5. Show, don't tell: When Bud tells the Owner he needs the address for Lynn Bracken, we don't see the Owner's reaction or his reluctance to give it up. Adding a few lines of dialogue or a gesture from the Owner would show the tension between the two characters and make the scene more interesting.



Scene 15 - Patchett's Revelation
EXT. 1184 GRETNA GREEN, BRENTWOOD (PATCHETT'S) - DAY

A big, pink Spanish mansion with lots of tile. Also last
seen outside Hollywood Liquor on Christmas Eve, Pierce
Patchett is in the front yard, chipping golf balls over a
koi pond. They land in a tight grouping. As he tees up:

BUD (O.S.)
You must slay 'em at the country
club.

Bud's halfway up the walk. Patchett sees the cuffs
hooked to his belt. Patchett is cool as can be.

BUD
Are you Pierce Patchett?

PATCHETT
I am. Are you soliciting for
police charities? The last time,
you people called at my office.

BUD
I'm a homicide detective. Where
were you last night?

PATCHETT
I was here, hosting a party. Who
was killed and why do you think I
can help?

BUD
Richard Stensland.

PATCHETT
I don't know him. Mr...

BUD
Officer White. How about Susan
Lefferts? You know her?

PATCHETT
(sighs, concedes)
You know I do or you wouldn't be
here. How did you find me?

BUD
We met outside Hollywood Liquors
on Christmas Eve. This is where
Lynn Bracken's booze bills go.

PATCHETT
Of course...

BUD
Sue Lefferts died at the Nite Owl.
I'm investigating.

Patchett studies Bud a beat, weighing his options.
Patchett's burly BODYGUARD starts over from the house.

BODYGUARD
Everything alright, Mr. Patchett?

PATCHETT
(waves him off)
Fine, Philip. Thank you.

BUD
Where's the other guy? Buzz.

PATCHETT
He no longer works for me.
(a beat)
Find Susan's killer, Mr. White.
I'll give you a handsome reward.
Whatever you desire.

If only Jack had been around to hear that.

BUD
Thanks, but no thanks.

PATCHETT
Against your code?

BUD
I don't have one. Lefferts looked
beat-up Christmas Eve, but didn't
act it. How come?

PATCHETT
Do you care about criminal matters
peripheral to Susan's murder?

BUD
No.

PATCHETT
Then you wouldn't feel obligated
to report them?

BUD
That's right.

PATCHETT
Then listen closely, because I'll
only say this once and if it gets
repeated, I'll deny it. I run
call girls. Lynn Bracken is one
of them and so was Susan Lefferts.
I treat my girls very well. I
have grown daughters, myself, and
I don't like the thought of women
being hurt. I sense you share
this feeling.

BUD
(ignores comment)
Why were Lefferts' eyes black?

PATCHETT
I think she'd been hit in the face
with a tennis racket. She is --
was -- a big doubles fan.

BUD
You wanna go downtown and discuss
this officially?

PATCHETT
Wait. Our deal still holds?

Bud nods, his patience running thin.

PATCHETT
I needed a Rita Hayworth to fill
out my little studio.

BUD
What little studio?

PATCHETT
There's Gardner, Hepburn, Grable,
Turner. Lynn Bracken is my
Veronica Lake. I use girls who
look like movie stars. Sometimes
I employ a plastic surgeon.
BUD
That's why her mother couldn't
I.D. her... Jesus fucking Christ.

PATCHETT
No, Mr. White. Pierce Morehouse
Patchett. Now, I sense you're on
your best behavior, but that's all
I'll give you. If you persist,
I'll meet you with my attorney.
Now, would you like Miss Bracken's
address? I doubt she knows
anything, but --

BUD
I got her address.

PATCHETT
Of course... this is personal with
you, isn't it, Mr. White?

Bud turns, heads down the walk. Patchett hits his golf
ball. It lands just past the koi pond, with the rest.
Ice.


EXT. 1736 NOTTINGHAM, LOS FELIZ (LYNN BRACKEN'S) - DAY

A modern-looking triplex. A projector's flicker strobes
against the closed curtains. We hear a PHONE RING.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Bud interrogates Pierce Patchett about a murder and links to a call girl operation. Patchett reveals that Lynn Bracken and Susan Lefferts were two of his girls, and that he uses plastic surgery to make them look like movie stars.
Strengths "Strong dialogue, high stakes, tension"
Weaknesses "Some exposition-heavy dialogue"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 10

Plot: 9

Originality: 9

The scene boasts a high level of originality thanks to its unique setting, characters, and themes. The dialogue is witty, ironic, and revealing, while the scene's overall structure defies expectations. The characters are authentic and multifaceted, with complex motivations and desires.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control of the situation, even though he is being questioned by a homicide detective. He wants to protect his business and his clients, but also wants to avoid being implicated in any crimes. This reflects his need for power, control, and reputation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to deflect suspicion and distance himself from any potential criminal activity or involvement in the murder of Susan Lefferts. He is trying to protect his reputation and his business.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's actions and his words. He claims to care about the well-being of the women in his business, but he also objectifies them by using them to fulfill sexual fantasies and cultural expectations. This challenges the protagonist's value system and his perception of himself as a good person.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it contains tension, conflict, and reveals important information about the character's world and motivations. The dialogue is witty and revealing, and the setting is visually and thematically compelling.

Pacing: 9

The scene's pacing is effective, with a clear narrative trajectory and a propulsive sense of action. The dialogue is snappy and moves the plot forward while also revealing information about character motivation and backstory.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene is correctly formatted and follows established industry standards for structure, placement, and syntax. The formatting is clear and easy to follow, and the scene's action is described in vivid, cinematic language.

Structure: 9

The scene conforms to genre expectations while also subverting them. It is tightly plotted, with a clear goal and conflict, and the dialogue is sharp and propulsive. The scene also succeeds in revealing character motivations and backstory in a natural and organic way.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear dialogue and action. The scene sets up the central conflict of the story, with Pierce Patchett being questioned by Detective Bud about Susan Lefferts' murder. The tension between them is palpable, and the reveal of Patchett's call girl business adds a layer of intrigue to the plot.

One potential area for improvement could be in the description of the setting. While the Spanish mansion and modern triplex are visually interesting, the description could benefit from more sensory details to create a stronger atmosphere for the scene. For example, describing the smell of the koi pond or the sounds of the projector in Lynn Bracken's home could enhance the reader's immersion in the story.

Additionally, while the dialogue is well-written, there could be more subtext and nuance in the characters' interactions. For example, there may be underlying emotions or motivations that could be conveyed through nonverbal cues or actions. Including these details could create a richer, more complex dynamic between the characters.

Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively sets up the conflict and intrigue in the story. With some minor tweaks to the description and character interactions, it could be even more impactful.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and the dialogue between Patchett and Bud is interesting. However, there are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Add more description to the scene. Right now, there is very little description of the setting and characters. Adding more details about the mansion and the characters' physical appearances would help bring the scene to life and make it more engaging.

2. Consider breaking up the dialogue with some action. Right now, the scene consists almost entirely of Patchett and Bud talking back and forth. Adding some visual actions or reactions (such as Patchett hitting golf balls or Bud reacting to something he says) would help break up the dialogue and make the scene more dynamic.

3. Think about pacing. The scene is fairly long and the dialogue can be dense at times. Consider tightening up some of the exchanges or cutting out extraneous lines to keep the scene moving and the audience engaged.

4. Make sure the scene advances the plot. While the dialogue is interesting, it's important to make sure the scene is moving the story forward and providing new information to the audience. Consider how this scene fits into the larger context of the story and make sure it's serving a purpose.



Scene 16 - Investigative Work Continues
INT. 1736 NOTTINGHAM (LYNN BRACKEN'S) - DAY

The film is This Gun For Hire with Alan Ladd and Veronica
Lake. It's projected on a wall in front of which stands
Lynn Bracken and an OLDER GENTLEMAN, in his underwear.
Lynn's long, blonde hair hangs down over one eye. She
looks more like Veronica Lake than Veronica Lake. The
film flashes over them as they kiss.

The PHONE RINGS. Lynn ignores it as long as she can
before breaking away to go answer it.

LYNN
Hello?

OLDER GENTLEMAN
(Alan Ladd)
Is it the cops?

She waves him off. As he practices pointing his finger
like Ladd points a gun, Lynn reacts to the news on the
phone.


EXT. 9781 SOUTH DUQUESNE - DAY

A South Central plywood and tar-paper dive. A BLACK
BOXER pounds a heavy bag/speed bag combo bolted to the
porch. Wiry, a welterweight, he doesn't see Jack and
Exley till they're almost on top of him.

JACK
Leonard Bidwell?

The Boxer leans on the bag to catch his breath. Looking
them over, he finally nods.

JACK
How's the left these days?

BOXER
What's it to you?

JACK
I saw you fight Kid Gavilan. I
like your style.

BOXER
What do you want, Mr. Policeman?

JACK
You got a brother up in Folsom. I
know because I put him there.

BOXER
Till 19-fucking-70.

JACK
How'd you like to make it 1960? I
know the judge and Sergeant Exley
here is friends with hte D.A.

Exley nods, this is true. The Boxer's still listening.

JACK
We're looking for three colored
guys who like to pop off shotguns.
One of 'em owns a purple Merc
coupe.

BOXER
You wanna get me a fuckin' snitch
jacket?

JACK
You wanna buy your brother ten
years...? You don't have to say
anything. Just look at this list
and point. Here.

Jack holds the DMV list out to the Boxer, who waves it
off.

BOXER
He's bad, so I'll just tell you.
Sugar Ray Coates. Drives a '49
coupe, a beautiful ride. Don't
know about shotguns, but he gets
his thrills killing dogs. He is
righteous trash.
Jack and Exley scan the list. Jack's finger stabs down
on, "Coates, Raymond, 9611 South Central, Room 414."

JACK
That's five minutes from here.


EXT. 1736 NOTTINGHAM (LYNN BRACKEN'S) - DAY

Lynn does her best to usher the slightly disheveled
Older Gentleman out the door.

OLDER GENTLEMAN
I don't understand, doll, we just
got started.

LYNN
I'm sorry, but I'll make it up
to you. I promise.

OLDER GENTLEMAN
Gosh, kitten, I don't know...

As he begins to mash up against her...

BUD (O.S.)
Hit the road, gramps.

Bud's standing at the bottom of the stairs. The Older
Gentleman strikes a pose. He still thinks he's Alan
Ladd.

OLDER GENTLEMAN
Alright. This time I'll go, but
next time --

BUD
(flips badge)
L.A.P.D., shitbird. Get the fuck
out of here or I'll call your wife
to come get you.

Sputtering, the Older Gentleman exchanges a look with
Lynn then hurries away, giving Bud a wide berth.

LYNN
I've been expecting you. Pierce
called. Told me what happened
to Sue.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Exley and Dudley lead an investigation of recent shootings and interrogate suspects. Bud identifies his partner's body and receives information about a call girl operation. They confront Lynn Bracken, a woman linked to the suspects, about a recent death related to the case.
Strengths
  • Tension is built through questioning of suspects
  • Lynn Bracken is introduced, adding complexity to the investigation
  • The emotional impact of the recent deaths is palpable
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes are a bit slow-paced
  • Some characters could benefit from more development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 4

This scene is not particularly original. It contains standard elements of detective stories, such as the protagonist locating a witness by threatening him. However, the writer's style creates an air of tension and suspense that makes the scene compelling.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not evident.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ask the Black Boxer if he knows about the three colored guys who like to pop off shotguns and locate one of them, Raymond Coates.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tension and suspense. The protagonist's search for the murderers has a sense of urgency that propels the story forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is excellent. It is fast-paced and tense, with short, snappy dialogue that moves the story forward. The scene is not too long or too short, and it is well-written.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is well-written and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre. It has a clear beginning, middle, and end, and it advances the story. It is well-structured.


Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written and engaging. However, there are some areas for improvement.

One issue is that the scene seems disjointed and disconnected from the rest of the story. It's not totally clear how this scene fits into the larger narrative and what purpose it serves.

In terms of dialogue, some of the lines feel a bit cliched or contrived. For example, the Older Gentleman's repetition of "next time" feels like a predictable line. Additionally, the way that Jack and Exley get information from the Boxer feels a bit too convenient.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more description and imagery. Right now, it feels a bit sparse on details and could benefit from more sensory description to make it feel more vivid and immersive.

Overall, this scene has potential but could use some work on its overall coherence and dialogue.
Suggestions First, it would be helpful to clarify who Lynn and the Old Gentleman are in relation to the rest of the story. Is their scene necessary for the plot, or just a character moment? If it is important, consider how it connects to the larger story and build on that connection.

In regards to the dialogue, there are a few moments that could use some improvement. For example, when the Older Gentleman asks Lynn "we just got started," it's not entirely clear what he means. This line could be rewritten to be more direct. Additionally, when Jack and Exley confront the Boxer, the dialogue could be made more tense and suspenseful to match the scene's tone.

Lastly, the stage direction could use some work. Instead of simply writing "she looks more like Veronica Lake than Veronica Lake," consider using more descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of Lynn's appearance and how it affects the scene. Overall, be deliberate in your choices and think about how each element of the scene contributes to the story as a whole.



Scene 17 - Meeting Lynn Bracken
INT. 1736 NOTTINGHAM (LYNN BRACKEN'S) - DAY

A nice breezy feel. The perfect place to shack up.

LYNN
It's Officer White, isn't it?

Bud nods, eyeballs the place.
LYNN
Can I get you a drink?

BUD
Yeah, plain scotch.

Bud watches her move to the bar. God, she's beautiful.

LYNN
I was friendly with Sue Lefferts,
but we weren't really friends.
You know what I mean?

BUD
Are you sorry she's dead?

LYNN
Of course I am. What kind of
question is that?

She steps back with a scotch for both of them.

BUD
Have you ever heard of Dick
Stensland?

LYNN
No I haven't. Do you know why
Pierce is humoring you?

BUD
You use words like that, you
might make me mad.

LYNN
Yes. But do you know?

BUD
Yeah I know. Patchett's running
whores and judging by his address,
probably something bigger on the
side. He doesn't want any
attention.

LYNN
That's right. Our motives are
selfish, so we're cooperating.

BUD
Why was Susan Lefferts at the
Nite Owl?

LYNN
I don't know. I never heard of
the Nite Owl till today.

BUD
Did Lefferts have a boyfriend?

LYNN
Like I said we were friendly,
not friends.

BUD
How'd she meet Patchett?

LYNN
Pierce meets people. Sue came
on the bus with dreams of
Hollywood. This is how they
turned out. Thanks to Pierce,
we still get to act a little.

BUD
Tell me about Patchett.

LYNN
He's waiting for you to mention
mention.

BUD
You want some advice, Miss
Bracken?

LYNN
It's Lynn.

BUD
Miss Bracken, don't ever try to
fucking bribe me or threaten me
or I'll have you and Patchett
in shit up to your ears.

Lynn smiles again. She likes Bud. A beat.

LYNN
I remember you from Christmas
Eve. You have a thing for
helping women, don't you,
Officer White?

BUD
Maybe I'm just fucking curious.

LYNN
You say 'fuck' a lot.

BUD
You fuck for money.

LYNN
There's blood on your shirt. Is
that an integral part of your job?

BUD
Yeah.

LYNN
Do you enjoy it?

BUD
When they deserve it.
LYNN
Did they deserve it today?

BUD
I'm not sure.

LYNN
But you did it anyway.

BUD
Yeah, just like the half dozen
guys you screwed today.

LYNN
(laughs again)
Actually, it was two. You're
different, Officer White. You're
the first man in five years who
didn't tell me I look like
Veronica Lake inside of a minute.

BUD
You look better than Veronica
Lake. Now, Pierce Patchett.

LYNN
He takes a cut of our earnings
and invests it for us. He makes
us quit the life at thirty. He
doesn't let us use narcotics and
he doesn't abuse us. Can your
policeman's mentality grasp
those contradictions?

BUD
He had you cut to look like
Veronica Lake?

LYNN
No. I'm really a brunette, but
the rest is me. And that's all
the news that's fit to print.

Lynn starts toward the door. Bud watches her a moment,
then follows. She takes his glass at the door.

LYNN
It was nice meeting you, Officer.

Out the door, Bud turns back. Blurts:

BUD
Look. I want to see you again.

LYNN
Are you asking me for a date or
an appointment?

BUD
(suddenly unsure)
I don't know.

LYNN
(another smile)
If it's a date I think you'd
better tell me your first name
because I --

BUD
(feeling foolish)
Forget I asked. It was a
mistake.

Lynn watches thoughtfully after Bud as he walks away.
He opens his car door like he's going to tear ir off.
A last glance back at Lynn and as he gets in the car...
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Romance"]

Summary Bud interrogates Lynn Bracken, a call girl linked to the suspects. They discuss their motives for cooperating and Patchett's involvement in the operation. Bud tries to get more information but is thrown off by Lynn's charm and beauty, leading to an awkward exchange.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and character interaction, with an intriguing reveal of Patchett's operation."
Weaknesses "The scene may be too long and could benefit from more action or plot development"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of the film-noir genre, which is evident from the sharp dialogue and the stylistic depiction of the setting. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic, and the information is revealed gradually, adding depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the Nite Owl murders. This reflects his desire to find purpose and justice in a corrupt system.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to gather intel from Lynn Bracken to solve the Nite Owl murders. It reflects the immediate challenge he faces in obtaining information to close the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of morality. The protagonist is trying to grapple with the concept of working with those connected to the crime he is trying to solve, where their motivations are primarily driven by self-interest. This challenge is in line with his core beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging as it establishes the interpersonal relationship between the protagonist and Lynn in a nuanced manner, revealing the complexity of their characters. The dialogue between the two characters is witty and revealing, building intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The scene's pacing is well-constructed, drawing out the tension while revealing information gradually, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the classic screenplay format, which is essential for the genre. The scene direction is precise, and the dialogue is formatted correctly.

Structure: 8

The structure is well-executed and follows the expected format of a crime thriller. The scene's pacing and rhythm are well-crafted, providing clarity while engaging the audience.


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene does a good job of establishing the dynamic between Lynn and Bud, but could use some tightening in terms of pacing and dialogue. Some of the exchanges feel a bit forced or stilted, and the scene could benefit from some additional action or movement to break up the lengthy conversation. Additionally, while there is some tension and intrigue around the subjects of Patchett and the Nite Owl, there could be more clear stakes or plot development to keep the audience engaged. Overall, though, the scene does succeed in introducing two key characters and setting up their potential relationship.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene feels quite long and could benefit from tightening up the dialogue. The conversation between Bud and Lynn could be more concise and focused. Also, there are moments where the dialogue feels too on-the-nose, particularly when Lynn spells out her and Patchett's motivations for cooperating with the police. A more subtle approach could be more effective in delivering that information.

Additionally, there could be more attention paid to the visual aspects of the scene. For example, the description of the location could be more evocative to help create a stronger atmosphere. And there's an opportunity to use the visuals of Bud and Lynn's body language and facial expressions to help convey the tension and attraction between them.

Finally, the ending feels abrupt and could be more satisfying. Perhaps there could be a clearer indication that Bud and Lynn will see each other again or a moment that leaves the audience with a better sense of the emotions at play.



Scene 18 - Hotel Bust
EXT. TEVERE HOTEL - DAY

An L-shaped walk-up. Jack coasts the car to the curb.
He leaps out with Exley. Exley holds up at the sight
of a late model sedan. He leans down to look in the
window at the two-way on the dash.

EXLEY
L.A.P.D.

JACK
Shit. Someone beat us here.

VOICES from the carport ahead. We see a chrome bumper,
the purple fender of a '49 Mercury coupe. A door slams.
Drawing a .45, Jack starts over with Exley, .38 in hand.


CARPORT

Toting shotguns, Dudley's boys from the Victory Motel,
Breuning and Carlisle, stand by the purple Mercury. Jack
and Exley come around the corner, lower their guns.

JACK
Hey.

Breuning wheels, pumps a round into the chamber. He very
nearly fires before he sees who it is.

CARLISLE
What the fuck are you guys doing
here?

EXLEY
Think of us as back-up.

JACK
What do you got?

As Jack moves to peer through the Merc's window.

BREUNING
Three Ithaca pumps, an empty box
of double-ought buck and cash.

Jack spots them. Three shotguns on the passenger side
floor, an empty box of shells and loose dollar bills.

JACK
So long, Vice. Badge of Honor,
here I come.

CARLISLE
Fuck you, Vincennes. It's our
collar.

Breuning actually has to restrain his partner.

EXLEY
Quiet. I'm ranking officer here.
We go as a team. End of story.


INT. CORRIDOR - TEVERE HOTEL - DAY

Breuning and Carlisle lead the way with Jack and Exley
bringing up the rear. Squinting, Exley reaches to his
pocket for something. Not there.

EXLEY
Damnit...

JACK
What?

EXLEY
Glasses.

JACK
(chuckling)
Just don't shoot me.

The door to 414. Two men on either side. Breuning rears
back. Jack rears back. They kick at the same instant.
The door flies off its hinges to reveal two young black
men, LARRY FONTAINE and TY JONES, waking from a couple
of flop mattresses.


ROOM 414

Fontaine jumps up. Entering, Carlisle aims, but Exley
grabs his arm. The BLAST rips the ceiling. Jack aims.

JACK
Freeze!

Fontaine freezes. Jones doesn't dare get up.

CARLISLE
Ace him, Jack.

EXLEY
Shut up, Carlisle!

Jack and Exley burst into a...


SECOND BEDROOM

Another black, RAY COATES, passed out on mattress, sur-
rounded by empty beer cans. Jack sticks his .38 in his
back, starts to cuff him. As the cuff ratchets down...


INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

Dudley watches intently as Ed Exley skims a report,
memorizing names and dates. Jack and other brass are
also here along with a stenographer. So's Bud. One of
these guys killed Stensland. Through tinted glass, the
three suspects in three different rooms.

EXLEY
Casitas Youth Camp... Coates
twenty-two, a boxer... Manager
saw them burning clothes.

Satisfied, Exley sets the report down.

DUDLEY
Ed, I want confessions.

EXLEY
I'll break them, sir.

As Exley steps into the #1 room, Jack joins Dudley.

JACK
You think golden boy can handle
it, Cap?

DUDLEY
I think you'll be surprised what
Edmund's capable of.
Genres: ["crime","drama","mystery"]

Summary Jack and Exley team up with Vice squad members to investigate a suspicious car. They find shotguns, cash, and a box of emptied shells. Later, they bust into a hotel room and arrest three black men. Exley shows his skill as an investigator.
Strengths "The teamwork between Jack and Exley is engaging, and the twist with the suspects being a multi-racial group is interesting."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and character development in this scene are lacking compared to other scenes in the screenplay. There is also a lack of emotional depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low because it follows the expected conventions for a crime/detective genre. However, the scene does add some fresh elements, such as the use of humor to lighten the mood.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 3

The protagonist's internal goal is not clearly defined in this scene.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate a crime scene and possibly make an arrest related to the crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There isn't a philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents action and tension that keep the audience curious about what will happen next. The witty dialogue also adds entertainment value and prevents the scene from becoming too serious.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and contributes to the overall tension and danger of the scene. The writer's use of succinct dialogue and vivid descriptions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay. The scene is easy to follow and well-structured.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected structure for a crime/detective genre. The scene begins with an external goal and then moves into action to achieve that goal.


Critique Overall, the scene is well written with clear action and dialogue that moves the story forward. However, there are a few minor issues to consider:

- Location descriptions: In the very beginning, it's not clear what kind of building Tevere Hotel is. Adding a brief description can help set the scene more effectively. Additionally, there could be more description of the carport and the rooms being entered.

- Character introductions: It would be helpful to have a brief introduction to Dudley and Bud, as they are new characters that are introduced suddenly without context.

- Dialogue attribution: There is a lack of clarity in some of the dialogue attribution. For example, it's not clear who says "Ace him, Jack" - is it Carlisle or Dudley? Adding more clear attribution can help avoid confusion.

Overall, the scene is effective in creating tension and moving the story forward with clear action and dialogue. A few minor tweaks can help make it even more effective.
Suggestions One possible suggestion for improving this scene is to add more tension and conflict between Jack and Exley. As it stands, their dynamic is relatively static, with Exley taking charge and Jack following along without too much protest.

To add more conflict, you could highlight their different approaches to policing: Jack is a hardened veteran who doesn't care about department protocol, while Exley is a by-the-book up-and-comer who wants to do things the right way. This could lead to clashes in tactics or disagreements about how to handle suspects.

Another suggestion would be to add more sensory details to the scene. Right now, it's mostly dialogue with a few visual descriptions, but you could add more sounds, smells, and physical sensations to make it feel more alive. For example, describe the heat of the day, the smell of the exhaust fumes, the sound of the shotguns being pumped, etc.

Finally, you could also consider adding more nuance to the supporting characters. Right now, Breuning and Carlisle are mostly just there to provide some minor conflict, but you could give them more backstory or motivations to make them feel like real people. For example, maybe they have personal reasons for wanting to make this bust, or maybe they have a history with Jack or Exley. By fleshing out these characters, you could make the scene feel more rich and complex.



Scene 19 - Interrogation and Revelation
INT. #1 ROOM - DAY

Exley closes the door. Ray Coates is cuffed to a chair,
dressed in baggy County denims. One eye swollen shut,
lip split, a smashed nose with one nostril split.

Exley unlocks his cuffs. drops cigarettes and amtches
on the table. As Coates rubs his wrists...

EXLEY
They call you Sugar Ray because
of Ray Robinson?
(no answer)
They say Robinson can throw a
four punch combination in one
second. Do you believe that?
Coates just stares at him.

EXLEY
You're twenty-two, aren't you, Ray?

COATES
Say what and so what.

EXLEY
Did one of the officers work you
over a little?

No bite. Coates just stares back.

EXLEY
You look like Robinson after
that last LaMotta fight. 'Course
LaMotta looked a lot worse. So
you're twenty-two, right?

COATES
Man, why do you keep asking me
that?

EXLEY
Just getting my facts straight.
Twenty-two makes it a gas chamber
bounce.
You should have pulled this caper
a couple of years ago. Get life,
do a little Youth Authority jolt,
transfer to Folsom a big man.
Orbit on some of that good prison
brew, get yourself a sissy --

COATES
I never truck with no sissies!

EXLEY
That fucking Larry. I almost
believed him.

COATES
Believed what?

EXLEY
Nothing, Ray.
(laughs)
That Larry, he's a pisser. You
did the Casitas Youth Camp with
him, didn't you?

COATES
Man, why're you talkin' about
Larry? His business is his
business.

Unseen by Coates, Exley reaches under the table, takes
hold of one of three toggle switches.

EXLEY
Sugar, Larry told me you went
sissy up at Casitas. You
couldn't do the time so you
found yourself a big white boy
to look after you. He said
they call you 'Sugar' because
you gave it out so sweet.

Exley flips the toggle.


#3 ROOM

The speaker over Larry Fontaine's head crackles to life.

COATES (V.O.)
Larry gave it at Casitas! Man,
I was the fuckin' boss jocker on
my dorm! Larry's the sissy!
Larry gave it for candy bars!


#1 ROOM

Exley flips up the second toggle.

EXLEY
Ray, you protected Ty and Larry
up in Casitas, didn't you?

COATES
You ain't woofin' I did. Stupid
down home niggers got no more
sense than a fuckin' dog.

Exley flips the switches off.

EXLEY
I heard you like to shoot dogs.

COATES
Dogs got no reason to live.

EXLEY
Oh? you feel that way about
people, too?

COATES
Man, what're you saying?

EXLEY
Ray, we got the shotguns.

COATES
I don't own no shotguns.

EXLEY
Why were you throwing clothes
in the building incinerator?

COATES
(trembling)
Say what?

EXLEY
You guys were arrested this
morning, but none of you have
last night's clothes. You were
seen burning them. Add to that
the fact that you hid the car
you were cruising around in
last night and it doesn't look
good.

COATES
I got nothin' more to say till
I see a judge.

EXLEY
Were you on hop? You were passed
out when you got arrested. Were
you hopped up, Ray?

COATES
Ty and Larry fuck with that
shit, not me.

EXLEY
Where do they get their stuff?
Come on. Give me one to feed
the D.A. Just a little one.

Coates nods. Exley flips up the toggles as he leans
in.

COATES
Roland Navarette. Lives on
Bunker Hill. He runs a hole-up
for parole absconders and sells
red devils.

Exley flips down the switches, stands.

EXLEY
I'm going to take a break.

Exley opens the door, looks back in afterthought.

EXLEY
You know, Ray, I'm talking about
the gas chamber and you haven't
even asked me what this is all
about. You got a big guilty
sign around your neck.

Exley exits.


OBSERVATION ROOM

Exley enters.
DUDLEY
Masterful, Edmund. Your father
would've been proud.
(pointing)
This one's on the verge.

Exley looks through the glass into #2. Larry Fontaine
is weeping. A piss puddle on the floor by his chair.

EXLEY
Fontaine next, but give Jones
the newspaper. I want him
primed.


#2 ROOM

Fontaine tries to control his sniffles as Exley enters.

EXLEY
Larry, Ray Coates ratted you
off. He said the Nite Owl was
your idea. You want to tell me
about it?

No answer.

EXLEY
I think it was Ray's idea. Talk
and I think I can save your life.

No answer.

EXLEY
Larry, this is a gas chamber job.
If you don't talk, you'll be dead
in six months.

No answer.

EXLEY
Son, six people are dead and
somebody has to pay. It can be
you or it can be Ray.

No answer.

EXLEY
Larry, he called you queer. He
said at Casitas you took it up
the ass. He said --

FONTAINE
I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY!

The voice is strong, full of conviction. Exley
glances at the mirror. Then...

EXLEY
Why'd you burn the clothes?
FONTAINE
(sobbing)
I just wanted to lose my cherry.
I didn't mean to hurt her.

Exley can't hide his surprise at this.

EXLEY
Hurt who? Was she a hooker?
Hurt who?

But Fontaine is gone. Head lolling, eyes squeezing
out tears.


OBSERVATION ROOM

Exley steps out of the interrogation room. Dudley
braces him.

DUDLEY
Don't get sidetracked. Stay with
the Nite Owl.

EXLEY
She may still be alive, whoever
she is.

Bud's all ears.


#3 ROOM

Reading, Jones has his feet on the table. Exley
bursts in.

JONES
This newspaper shit ain't shit.

EXLEY
Where's the girl? Did you kill her?

No answer, but Jones looks nervous.

EXLEY
You wanted Larry to lose his
cherry, but things got out of
hand. Is that right?


OBSERVATION ROOM

Everyone's attention is riveted, particularly Bud's.
They watch, listen over the speaker.

EXLEY
(over speaker)
Kick loose, Jones. I know you
made her bleed, but that doesn't
mean you killed her.
No answer, but Jones is squirming.

EXLEY
(over speaker)
If that girl's alive, you've
still got a chance on this one.

JONES
(over speaker)
I think she's alive.

EXLEY
(over speaker)
You think?

Jack turns to Dudley.

JACK
He's good. I'll give him that.

They don't notice as the chair back begins to splinter
in Bud's hands.


#3 ROOM

Exley sits across from him, tries to wrap it up.

EXLEY
Where is she now?
(no answer)
Did you leave her someplace?
(no answer)
Did you sell her out? Give her
to some of your buddies? Tell
me where the girl is!

The door blasts open. Bud slams Jones up against the
wall. As Exley stands, he bangs his knee on the table.
Pulling a .38, Bud breaks the cylinder, drops 5 shells
on the floor.

BUD
One in six. Where's the girl?

EXLEY
Officer White, put down that
weapon and --

Bud shoves the barrel into Jones' mouth, pulls the
trigger twice. CLICK, CLICK. Jones starts to slide
down the wall. Bud jerks him back up, roars.

BUD
WHERE?!

Two more clicks. Jones spills.

JONES
S-sylvester F-fitch one-o-nine
and Avalon gray corner house...
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Bud, Exley and Dudley interrogate suspects Ray Coates and Larry Fontaine in separate rooms about the Nite Owl murder case. Coates reveals the name of the drug dealer and absconder hideout he and his accomplices worked with and also confesses to his involvement. Fontaine breaks down and admits he did not intend to kill the victim and reveals her location before Bud aggressively intervenes and forces information out of Jones.