Mr. Smith goes to Washington

Genres: The, possible, list, of, genres, for, the, movie, could, be:, Political, drama, Drama, Comedy, Politics, Thriller, Legal, Social, Commentary



Summary The movie centers around the political maneuverings to fill a vacant Senate seat after a senator's death. Key political figures pressure Governor Hopper to appoint Horace Miller, but after he is rejected by a committee, Jefferson Smith is appointed amidst political pressure. Smith challenges the dishonesty of the press, leading to a violent outburst and resignation, but is then given a new project by Senator Paine to start a National Boys' Camp, causing a stir among politicians. Smith is accused of shady dealings and defends his beliefs on democracy and education in front of the Senate Committee on Privileges and Elections, with Taylor and his cronies trying to frame him as a criminal. Smith's filibuster continues with the support of his allies, and just as he collapses, Paine publicly confesses to corruption, leading to a small victory for Smith and his allies.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The story is well-paced and the characters are engaging, but it relies heavily on various coincidences to advance the plot and some of the dialogue is overly simplistic. Additionally, the emotional arc of the main character could be further developed to make his actions more believable.

Suggestions: Consider rewriting some of the dialogue to sound more natural and ensure that each character's motivations are clear. Try to avoid relying on coincidences and instead find ways to make the plot more organic. Furthermore, think about ways to add depth to the main character's internal struggle and make his eventual triumph more satisfying.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Tension building as the characters seek to write the Bill
  • Intense dialogue and emotional depth
  • Compelling conflict and tension
  • Powerful monologue regarding the importance of liberty and the responsibilities of citizenship
  • Intense confrontation with the Senate Committee on Privileges and Elections
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or emotional impact
  • Limited conflict or tension
  • Lack of visual action and slow pacing
  • Heavy exposition and dialogue-driven scenes
  • Some stilted and heavy-handed dialogue
Suggestions
  • Explore more complex themes and character development
  • Balance dialogue with more visual storytelling and action
  • Focus on building tension and conflict in every scene
  • Refine dialogue to be more natural and subtle
  • Consider streamlining plotlines and characters to avoid confusion

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Dialogue 8.0  72 Silence of the lambs: 7.9 Inception: 8.0
Plot 8.1  54 The sweet hereafter: 8.0 Vice: 8.1
Concept 7.8  50 Stranger things: 7.7 Get Out: 7.8
Story Forward 7.9  45 The sweet hereafter: 7.8 Mr. Smith goes to Washington: 7.9
Overall 8.2  45 The sweet hereafter: 8.1 Donnie Darko: 8.2
Conflict Level 7.4  41 Fear and loathing in Las Vegas: 7.3 True Blood: 7.4
High Stakes 7.0  38 Lucifer: 6.7 Mr. Smith goes to Washington: 7.0
Character Changes 5.7  35 Sorry to bother you: 5.6 Mr. Smith goes to Washington: 5.7
Emotional Impact 7.0  29 Catch me if you can: 6.9 glass Onion Knives Out : 7.0
Characters 8.0  29 Hors de prix: 7.9 Donnie Darko: 8.0



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 Death and Politics "serious" 8 8 8 7 35676 8
2 Governor's Office "intense" 9 8 9 9 691097 9
3 The Pressure Mounts "Tense" 8 8 9 8 69998 9
4 Jefferson Smith is a Hero "Serious" 8.5 9 8 9 69898 9
5 Pressure and Pet Shop Politics "Serious" 8 9 7 9 35475 8
6 The Appointment "Humorous, upbeat" 8 9 8 7 48796 6
7 Jefferson Smith Becomes a Senator "Heartwarming" 8 8 8 9 64578 7
8 Jefferson Smith arrives in Washington "Humorous" 7 6 7 7 34253 7
9 Lost in Washington "Humorous" 8 7 9 7 24392 8
10 Jefferson Smith Visits the Lincoln Memorial "Reverent" 8 8 7 9 64368 8
11 Senator Smith Gets Lost "Humorous" 7 7 7 9 35265 8
12 Jefferson Smith Gets Lost "Light-hearted, humorous" 7 6 7 7 53365 6
13 Saunders and Diz Plot Against Jeff "Humorous" 7 6 7 7 34353 8
14 Jeff Smith in the Spotlight "Whimsical" 8 8 7 8 57486 8
15 Morning Briefing "whimsical" 7 8 6 7 23364 7
16 Jefferson Takes the Oath "serious" 8 7 8 7 68898 7
17 Swearing In "Tense" 8 7 8 8 89788 7
18 Jefferson Challenges the Press "Tense" 8 8 8 9 810999 9
19 Jefferson Takes the Oath "tense" 8 7 8 8 69988 7
20 Writing a Bill "Tense" 9 8 9 8 46585 9
21 A Senator's Calling "Inspiring" 8 8 7 9 84376 9
22 Jefferson and Saunders' Personal Chat "optimistic" 8 7 7 8 32245 9
23 The National Boys' Camp Bill "Tense yet comical" 7.5 7 8 7 48685 7
24 National Boys' Camp Proposal "Hopeful" 9 8 8 9 57796 9
25 Dressing Up Jefferson Smith "Excited" 7 8 7 8 43464 6
26 Shopping and Dinner with Saunders "light-hearted" 7 7 7 8 34245 8
27 Saunders' Outburst "Humorous, Sarcastic" 7 8 6 8 45346 9
28 Saunders' Outburst "Tense" 9 8 9 9 81010109 8
29 Taylor's Threat "tense" 9.3 9 9 9 81010108 9
30 The Ultimatum "Tense" 9 9 9 8 8101099 9
31 The Unveiling "Tense" 9 8 10 8 71010108 9
32 Senate Hearing on Jefferson Smith's Scandal "Tense" 8 8 9 7 691097 8
33 Expulsion Looms "tense" 8 7 8 8 691088 7
34 Compromise and Confrontation "intense" 8 7 8 8 78889 7
35 The Fight for Integrity "Desperate" 8 8 8 9 989810 8
36 Fight for Justice "tense" 9 9 10 9 8910108 9
37 Jefferson Fights Back "Intense" 9 7 9 9 810101010 9
38 Jefferson Fights Back "Intense" 9 8 10 8 710101010 9
39 Jefferson Smith's Filibuster "confrontational" 8 7 8 7 79987 8
40 The Machine Strikes Back "Intense" 10 9 10 9 81010109 9
41 The Filibuster Continues "Tense" 8 9 8 7 59887 7
42 Kaltenborn "intense" 8 7 8 8 79987 9
43 The Battle for Public Opinion "Tense" 9 8 9 8 6101097 8
44 The Battle Continues "Tense" 8 9 8 7 6101097 7
45 The Battle for Public Opinion "Intense" 9 8 9 8 7101099 8
46 Jefferson's Last Stand "tense" 8 8 9 7 7910910 8
47 The Fall of Paine "Intense, emotional" 9 8 9 9 898910 8


Scene 1 - Death and Politics
"MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON"

Screenplay by

Sidney Buchman

Story by

Lewis R. Foster



The CAPITOL DOME at Washington fades in. It is night, and
the dome is flooded in light.

This view dissolves to the exterior of a Newspaper Office
WINDOW, seen at night. The letters on the window, illuminated
by a street light, are picked out with increasing
distinctness. They read: WASHINGTON POST-DISPATCH. This
dissolves into the NIGHT CITY EDITOR'S OFFICE, where a
lethargic, eyeshaded man behind a desk reaches for the
telephone which is ringing.

EDITOR
(mechanically)
Desk--
(Then, perking up)
What?

Inside a PHONE BOOTH in a Hospital Corridor, where a nurse
seated at the corridor desk is visible through the glass
doors of the booth, a man is telephoning:

REPORTER
Senator Samuel Foley--dead. Died a
minute ago--here at St. Vincent's.
At the bedside was state political
sidekick, Senator Joseph Paine--

And we see the HOSPITAL OFFICE where Senator Joseph Paine, a
trim, rather dignified man of fifty-eight, occupying the
desk of the nurse who stands by, is talking rapidly and
agitatedly into a phone.

PAINE
(into the phone)
Long distance? Senator Joseph Paine
speaking. I want the Governor's
residence at Jackson City--Governor
Hubert Hopper. Hurry--

The scene dissolves into a skimming view of TELEPHONE WIRES
strung over a vast distance--and then into the BEDROOM of
Governor and Mrs. Hopper, where the Governor and his wife
are found in their twin beds, the room darkened. The buzzer
is sounding. Mrs. Emma Hopper, wife of the Governor, sits
bolt upright in the dark.
EMMA
(a shrew)
I knew it! I knew a night's rest
wasn't possible in this house!
(As the buzzer is
heard again)
Hubert!

HUBERT
(waking with a start,
bewildered)
Wha--? Yes, sweetheart-- Wha--?

EMMA
That infernal phone!

HUBERT
Yes, yes--phone, phone--
(Fumbling for the
light)
A--an outrage, pet--an outrage--I'll
look into this--
(Seizing the phone)
Hello--Joe!--What!--No! Not really!
Terrible!

EMMA
What is it?

In the HOSPITAL ROOM, we see Paine on the phone.

PAINE
It couldn't have come at a worse
time. Call Jim Taylor. Tell him I'm
taking a plane tonight for home.

In GOVERNOR HOPPER'S BEDROOM:

HUBERT
(on the phone)
Yes, Joe, yes--right away.
(He hangs up--then
lifts the receiver
again and begins to
dial)

EMMA
What is it?

HUBERT
Sam Foley--dead!

EMMA
Great saints!

HUBERT
Of all the times! Of all the times!
Two months to the end of his term--
and Foley has to go and die on us--

EMMA
Whom are you calling--in the dead of
night?

HUBERT
Taylor, my dear.

EMMA
Can't that wait, Hubert?

HUBERT
No, no--believe me, pet--this is
*most* urgent--
(Into the phone)
Hello, hello. Is Taylor there?--
Governor Hopper. Quickly, please--

EMMA
This isn't a home, it's the crossroads
of the world!

HUBERT
Now, now, Emma, dear--you mustn't
forget we have been chosen by the
people of this commonwealth to--

EMMA
(sharply)
Save that for the laying of
cornerstones, Hubert!
(Groaning)
Oh, that morning you looked in the
mirror and saw a statesman!

HUBERT
Now, pet--
(Then, excitedly into
the phone)
Jim!

In political boss TAYLOR'S ROOM, we see JIM TAYLOR, a hard-
bitten, taciturn, impressive man in his fifties. At the
moment, he stands at a phone, in vest and rolled up sleeves,
a cigar between his fingers. Behind him, in a smoke-filled
room, man are seated at a card table from which Taylor
evidently has just risen.

TAYLOR
What's up, Happy?

In HOPPER'S BEDROOM:

HUBERT
Sam Foley--died tonight in Washington.
Joe just called. Can you imagine
anything more--?

In TAYLOR'S ROOM:

TAYLOR
Died, huh? Well, take it easy, Happy.
Is Paine coming?--Good. Keep your
shirt on--and your mouth shut. No
statements.

In HOPPER'S BEDROOM:

HUBERT
(into the phone)
Y-yes, Jim--Yes--

And now flashing on the screen are NEWSPAPER HEADLINES of
the following morning--announcing Foley's death--and finally
such headlines as:

SUCCESSOR TO FOLEY
TO BE NAMED BY GOVERNOR

APPOINTEE WILL FILL OUT
UNEXPIRED TERM OF TWO MONTHS

HOPPER'S CHOICE
FOR VACANT SENATE CHAIR
EAGERLY AWAITED
Genres: []

Summary A series of phone calls inform key political figures of the death of a senator and set in motion a chain of events as they scramble to fill the vacant seat.
Strengths "The scene sets up the political intrigue and power struggles over a vacant senate seat. The dialogue is brisk and efficient, conveying information without excessive exposition. The scene establishes the tone of urgency and seriousness that will drive the plot."
Weaknesses "The scene is largely expository and relies on characters giving information via phone calls, which can be static and uninteresting. The scene lacks a clear protagonist or central conflict, which can make it difficult for viewers to become invested in the story."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene sets up the plot and conflict of the film effectively, but the writing style is outdated and could use some updating. The dialogue is clunky and stiff, lacking the natural flow of conversation. The descriptions of the characters are also very much on the nose - we are told directly about their personalities rather than being shown through their actions and words. A modern screenwriter might also choose to show these events visually rather than relying on dialogue and headlines to tell the story. However, for its time, this scene serves its purpose in moving the story forward and introducing the key players and conflict.
Suggestions 1. The scene is a bit disjointed and difficult to follow. It would be helpful to have clearer transitions between the different locations and characters.

2. Consider cutting down on some of the extraneous dialogue and focusing more on the actions of the characters to move the plot forward. For example, instead of having Emma and Hubert Hopper argue about the phone, just show Hubert making the call to Taylor.

3. It may be helpful to establish the characters more clearly, especially for those who are introduced later in the scene (such as Jim Taylor). Consider giving them a brief description or an introduction to help the audience follow along.

4. There is a lot of action happening at once, so it may be helpful to use visual cues (such as split screens or captions) to help the audience keep track of everything that is happening simultaneously.

5. Consider adding more tension or conflict to the scene to make it more engaging for the audience. For example, perhaps there is opposition to Hopper's choice for Foley's successor, or maybe Paine is facing pressure to make a certain decision. This will help keep the audience invested in the story and make them want to see what happens next.



Scene 2 - Governor's Office
The scene dissolves into the GOVERNOR'S OUTER OFFICE, in the
morning. The office is full of people--newspapermen--dignified
citizens--women--all waiting to see the Governor. A group is
collected around the male secretary's desk. Two other desks
are seen with secretaries at them. There is an undertone of
talk.

REPORTER
If His Excellency's statement is
going to make the noon edition--

SECRETARY
Governor Hopper said you would have
it any minute--

An austere gent named Edwards pushes toward the desk.

EDWARDS
(firmly)
Will you please remind the Governor
again--

SECRETARY
He know your committee is waiting,
Mr. Edwards.
(Raising his voice
over the room)
The Governor will see *all* committees
at the first opportunity.

In the GOVERNOR'S PRIVATE OFFICE we see Hubert Hopper and
McGann, the former on the dictagraph, while McGann lounges
in a chair.

HUBERT
(into the dictagraph)
Yes, yes--tell them I'll see them
immediately--immediately!
(Snapping up the
dictagraph, turning
wildly on McGann)
I can't hold them off! They want
something to say about this
appointment. Ten to one they've got
a man.

MCGANN
Relax, Happy. Jim said to wait.

HUBERT
I *can't* wait, McGann! You go into
that room and tell Jim Taylor and
Joe Paine that I give them *one more
minute*--

MCGANN
(quietly)
*You* tell Jim Taylor.

HUBERT
(walking--fuming)
Washington! Always discussing the
problems of Washington. Nobody ever
thinks of the State--and my problems!
(With sudden
determination)
I *will* tell Jim Taylor. It's high
*time* I told him a thing or two!
(He pushes the door
to a small ante room)

In the ANTE-ROOM, Joe Paine and Jim Taylor are on their feet,
as Happy insert his head.

HUBERT
(angrily)
Look here, Jim--if you and Joe are
going to gab about this appointment
*any* longer, I'm going ahead and
see those committees!

TAYLOR
(sharply)
You'll see those committees when
we're finished!

HUBERT
(meekly)
Yes, Jim.

Hubert retires, closing the door. Jim Taylor turns back to
Paine.

TAYLOR
That Happy Hopper is tougher to handle
than a prima-donna.

PAINE
--in other words, Jim--with this
Willet Creek Dam on the fire--the
man who goes to the Senate now in
Sam Foley's place can't ask any
questions or talk out of turn. We
must be absolutely sure of him.

TAYLOR
That's why I say Miller--Horace
Miller. He jumped through hoops for
the machine before we moved him up
to the bench. He'll take orders.

PAINE
Jim--suppose we didn't try to go
through with this Willet Creek Dam--
suppose we postpone it until the
next session of Congress--or drop it
altogether--

TAYLOR
That'd be a crime--after all this
work--getting it buried in this
Deficiency Bill as nice as you please--
approved--all ready to roll--

PAINE
How much does the Willet Dam mean to
you, Jim?

TAYLOR
Joe--I've got a lot of people to
take care of in this State.

PAINE
I know, but is it worth the risk of
a scandal now that a new man is going
to the Senate?

TAYLOR
Joe--what's the matter with you--
where you're concerned, I wouldn't
take the slightest risk--'specially
now after the great reputation you've
made in the Senate. Why, look at
this campaign I've started for you
in all my papers. You're the logical
man from the West on the National
ticket--at the convention, anything
can happen--

There is a pause while Joe looks at a newspaper.

TAYLOR
Joe, that's coming a long way in
twenty years since I met you
practising law down there in Main
Street.

PAINE
Jim--if what you say about the future
is remotely possible--why not do as
I say--drop things like this dam?

TAYLOR
We can't drop it now, Joe. We bought
the land around this Dam and we're
holding it in dummy names. If we
drop it or delay it--we are going to
bring about investigations, and
investigations will show that we own
that land and are trying to sell it
to the State under phoney names. No,
Joe, in my judgment the only thing
to do is push this Dam through--and
get it over with.

PAINE
Well, then appoint Miller--if you're
sure he'll take orders.

TAYLOR
Don't worry about Horace--he'll take
orders. Come on--

He goes to the door quickly, followed by Paine.

In the GOVERNOR'S PRIVATE OFFICE, as Taylor and Paine barge
in, Happy Hubert throws his hands up.

HUBERT
Well! Thank Heaven!

The dictagraph buzzes.

HUBERT
(shouting into it)
One minute! Just one minute!
TAYLOR
Happy, we've got the man. Horace
Miller!

HUBERT
Horace Mill--!

MCGANN
(leaping up)
Terrific! A born stooge! Horace'll
perform like a trained seal.
Genres: ["political drama"]

Summary Governor Hopper is under immense pressure to fill the vacant Senate seat after the senator's death, which leads to a heated conversation with Jim Taylor and Joe Paine about appointing Horace Miller, who they believe will take orders and not pose any risk to their interests.
Strengths "The scene has a strong sense of tension and urgency, with well-defined characters and sharp dialogue that moves the story forward"
Weaknesses "The setting is limited, and there is not much action or visual spectacle"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of setting the atmosphere and conflict in the governor's office. The descriptions of the room and people waiting add depth to the scene. However, there are some aspects of the scene that could be improved upon.

One issue is that there are some minor grammatical and punctuation errors that could be fixed with careful editing. Additionally, the use of ALL CAPS to emphasize certain words could be reworked to find a more subtle way to convey emphasis.

In terms of character development, Hubert Hopper's frustration and desperation are well conveyed, but there could be more development of the other characters. For example, Joe Paine's hesitation and concern over the dam project could be explored further, adding more depth to his character and the conflict of the scene.

Overall, the scene effectively sets the stage for the larger conflict over the dam project and the characters' motivations. However, there is room for further development of the characters and the dialogue to create a more nuanced and engaging scene.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and efficiently sets up the dynamic between the main characters and the stakes of the story. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Character introductions: While the script provides clear descriptions of the different types of people in the governor's office, it would be helpful to introduce the main characters, such as Hubert Hopper, McGann, Jim Taylor, and Joe Paine, more clearly. This could be done through a brief action or dialogue that establishes each character's personality and role in the story.

2. Dialogue clarity: In some places, the dialogue can be a bit confusing due to long sentences or unclear pronoun usage. For example, in the exchange between Taylor and Paine about the Willet Creek Dam, it's not always clear which pronouns refer to which people or ideas. Breaking up the dialogue into shorter sentences or using specific names more frequently can improve clarity.

3. Visual details: While the script describes the office and the people in it, it could benefit from more specific visual details to help the reader envision the scene more vividly. For example, what kind of clothing are the characters wearing? What do the desks and chairs look like? Including more specific visual details can make the scene feel more real and immersive for the reader.

Overall, this scene is a strong start to the story and sets up the conflict and stakes effectively. With a few tweaks to character introductions, dialogue clarity, and visual details, it could become an even more compelling scene.



Scene 3 - The Pressure Mounts
HUBERT
Jim--if I fling a party man like
Horace in the face of those angry
committees--

TAYLOR
Happy, for reasons there isn't time
to go into--it's got to be Miller!
We've given you the man. Now write
the ticket.
(Moving to the door)
Come on, Joe. Come on, Chick.

HUBERT
(following them)
Now, wait fellows--great Heavens.
I've got to see those angry committees
first--feel them out a little--work
for harmony--harmony.

MCGANN
Harmony--and Horace Miller.

The scene dissolves to the GOVERNOR'S OFFICE, full of
committee people, arranged in rows of chairs, closely packed
together. Hubert, at his desk, is addressing them.

HUBERT
(spreading the old
oil)
Gentlemen--in considering the
candidates who might answer to the
high qualifications of United States
Senator--there was one name that
shone out like a beacon--one I'm
sure you will enthusiastically approve--
the Honorable *Horace Miller*.

A minor bedlam breaks loose. Excited men rise and shout.

VOICES
Miller!
Not Horace Miller!
A Taylor Man!
The Veterans will have no part of
him!
A party man! One of Taylor's tools!
Give us a clean man for a change!
The New Citizen's Committee won't
stand for Miller!

HUBERT
(smiling sickly,
wincing)
--please--

The scene dissolves to the GOVERNOR'S LIBRARY in the HOPPER
HOME, at night. Hubert stands troubledly while Taylor, hat
in hand, is tearing into him and McGann just listens.

TAYLOR
They put up *their* candidate? Who?

HUBERT
(swallowing)
Henry Hill.

TAYLOR
*Henry Hill?* That crackpot? That
long-haired--! Why, you should have
killed that so fast--!

HUBERT
I--I couldn't, Jim. Those men were--

TAYLOR
We can't help *what* they were! Forget
'em!

HUBERT
Jim, that bunch is out for blood. If
I throw Horace in their teeth now--

TAYLOR
I said forget 'em! Horace Miller
goes to the Senate--and that settles
it!

HUBERT
I *won't* send Horace Miller!

TAYLOR
*You won't?*

HUBERT
I *won't* let you stand there
callously and perhaps wreck my whole
political future!

TAYLOR
*Your* political future! I bought it
for you and made you a present. And
I can grab it back so fast it'll
make your head spin. You got a nerve
to stand there and worry about just
*your future* when we're in this
spot!
(Starting for the
door)
The man is--*Miller*.

MCGANN
(following Taylor;
adds dryly)
M-i-double l-e-r.

The two are gone, leaving Happy very unhappy. He stands for
a baleful instant. The butler appears.

BUTLER
Mr. Edwards of the Citizen's Committee
on the phone, sir.

HUBERT
(groaning)
No! I'm out. I'm sick. I--I--
(Collapsing)
I'll talk.

He picks up the phone.

HUBERT
(brightening his manner)
*Good* evening, Mr. Edwards... Why,
I have the matter under advisement
this very moment. Now it isn't a
question of my *objecting* to Henry
Hill--

BY A PHONE, Edwards is seen to be in considerable heat.

EDWARDS
(into the phone)
Hill is the man every decent element
wants--and *expects!* It's Henry
Hill, Mr. Governor--or else!

In the GOVERNOR'S LIBRARY, Hubert is seen wincing.

HUBERT
(swallowing)
Yes, Mr. Edwards. Certainly. I shall
bear that in mind. Good night.

He hangs up, a picture of deepening misery, as Emma appears
at the door.

EMMA
Dinner, Hubert.

HUBERT
(absently)
I'll bear that in mind... What? Oh.
Dinner. Pet--my stomach couldn't
hold a bird seed.

EMMA
(leaving)
We're waiting, Hubert.

The scene dissolves to the DINING ROOM. The Hopper family is
seated at dinner. Six children are around the table--four
boys ranging from nine to sixteen, and a couple of in-between
girls. The butler is placing the soup before them.

HUBERT
Really, my dear--I don't feel like a
thing.

EMMA
(over-riding him)
Nonsense.

PETER
("Number Two" son)
What's the matter, Dad? Is it getting
you down?

HUBERT
Is *what* getting me down?

JIMMIE
("Number One" son)
You're in a deuce of a pickle, aren't
you, Pop?

OTIS
("Number Three" son)
Looks like Henry Hill--huh, Pop?

PETER
Naw--it's Horace Miller--or else!

Hubert chokes on his soup.

JIMMIE
Gee, I wouldn't appoint an old twerp
like Horace Miller--Taylor or no
Taylor!

HUBERT
Taylor! May I ask what *Taylor* has
to do with it?

JIMMIE
Well, he's still running the show,
ain't he, Dad?

HUBERT
Emma! I will not have conversations
of this sort carried on by the
children at dinner!

EMMA
Nonsense. Why don't you listen to
your children for a change? You might
actually learn something?
Genres: ["Political drama"]

Summary Governor Hopper is pressured to fill a vacant Senate seat after a senator's death. Key political figures, Jim and Joe, try to influence his decision. Hubert consults with a committee, who are not happy with the proposed candidate, Horace Miller. There is conflict, emotional intensity and high stakes.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Strong character motivations
  • Strong conflict
Weaknesses
  • Conversations may be somewhat predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene suffers from a lack of clarity and focus on the main conflict. The dialogue is often repetitive and meandering, making it difficult for the audience to understand what exactly is at stake for the characters. The transitions between scenes are also abrupt and disorienting, making it hard to keep track of the action. Additionally, the characters themselves are not well-developed and their motivations are not clear, making it difficult for the audience to empathize with them. More work needs to be done to clarify the central conflict and develop the characters in order to make this scene more engaging and effective.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: The scene could benefit from more clarity on what exactly is at stake for the characters. What are Hubert's political goals? What does Taylor stand to gain or lose? How will the appointment of Horace Miller as Senator affect their plans? Adding more specificity to these aspects of the scene could help the audience understand the importance of what's happening.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue in this scene feels stilted and forced. For example, when Hubert collapses and says "Pet--my stomach couldn't hold a bird seed," it feels like an unnatural way to express his discomfort. Revising the dialogue to make it more conversational could make the scene feel more organic and engaging.

3. Use action to break up the dialogue: The scene is primarily driven by characters talking to each other, and without any action to break up the dialogue, it can become dull. Adding some physical actions -- like Hubert nervously fidgeting with a pen or Taylor pacing around the room -- could give the scene more visual interest and help convey the characters' emotions.

4. Consider the pacing: While it's important to establish the characters' goals and motivations, the scene also needs to move at a brisk pace to maintain the audience's attention. Tightening up the dialogue and eliminating any unnecessary repetition could help move the scene along more quickly.



Scene 4 - Jefferson Smith is a Hero
HUBERT
(with sarcasm)
For instance, how to run the affairs
of government? No doubt my children
could make this appointment *for* me--
with the greatest ease!

JIMMIE
That's easy. Jefferson Smith.

HUBERT
I beg your pardon?

PETER
Jeff Smith. He's the only Senator to
have.

OTIS
Sure. He ought to be President.

LITTLE JACKIE
("Number Four" son)
I like Jeff Smith.

HUBERT
You, too! Fine. Fine. That's everybody
heard from. Forgive my abysmal
ignorance--but I don't know Jefferson
Smith from a--

PETER
Gosh, Pop--head of the Boy Rangers!

HUBERT
Oh, a *boy*!

JIMMY
No, *no*, Pop--Jeff's a *man*! Jeff
Smith! Biggest expert we got on wild
game--and animals--and rocks.

PETER
Yes, and right now he's the greatest
hero we ever had. It's all over the
headlines--

JIMMY
Sure. Didn't you see about the
terrific forest fire all around
Sweetwater?

HUBERT
I did. What about it?

PETER
Well, Jeff put that out himself.

HUBERT
Himself!

JIMMIE
Well--Jeff and the Rangers. He was
out camping with 'em--and they saved
hundreds of people and millions of
dollars--

OTIS
And not one boy even scratched!

JIMMIE
Now, if you really want a Senator--

HUBERT
I do *not* want a Senator. And I do
*not* want any more of this nonsense!
Emma!

EMMA
Why, I think it's very sweet of the
children--

OTIS
He's the greatest *American* we got,
too, Dad. Can tell what George
Washington said--by heart. An' "Boy
Stuff's" got the swellest stuff in
it.

HUBERT
What stuff?

PETER
"Boy Stuff." That's the name of Jeff's
magazine. He prints it.
(Pulling one out of
his pocket excitedly)
Look--here's one--oh, it's great--
*everybody* reads it--all the kids
in the State--a million of 'em. Look,
Pop--let me read you a--
HUBERT
Peter, I'm in no mood to hear childish
prattle!

JIMMY
Prattle!

PETER
You're all wet, Pop! Listen to this:
(Flipping back to a
page)
"What makes a man humane to man--to
give and not to take--to serve and
not to rule--ideals and not deals--
creed and not greed--." How about
*that*?

OTIS
No, *sir*! You couldn't do better,
Dad.

HUBERT
Than what?

OTIS
Jeff for Senator.

HUBERT
(his anger rising)
Emma! Will you *please*--?

PETER
(leaping in on the
attack)
Want to get out of a pickle, don't
you?

OTIS
(leaping right in,
too)
Always looking out for votes, aren't
you?

PETER
Yeah--an' here's fifty thousand kids
with two folks apiece--and *they
vote*!

JIMMIE
(attacking too)
If you want to do yourself some good
in this State, Dad--

OTIS
If you're ever going to stand up
like a man some day and tell Taylor
to go to--
EMMA
Otis!

HUBERT
(rising frantically)
That settles it! I will not be
attacked and belittled by my own
children in my own home! My nerves
are strained to the breaking point!

He throws his serviette down and rushes from the dining-room.

EMMA
Hubert!

LITTLE JANE
Papa's mad, Mama.

The scene dissolves to Hubert Hopper's STUDY, at night. Hubert
is pacing miserably as Emma enters, carrying his dinner on a
plate and setting it down on his desk.

HUBERT
(in quiet, heart-
breaking appeal)
Emma! I'm a man at the end of his
rope.

EMMA
No wonder--without your dinner.

HUBERT
Emma, which is it--Horace Miller or
Henry Hill?

EMMA
(starting out)
Well, your children are very bright--
and *they* say Jefferson Smith.

And Emma, without pausing, passes on out. Hubert is beside
himself, and begins to pace again.

HUBERT
(to himself,
distractedly)
Henry Hill--Horace Miller--Henry
Miller--Horace Hi--uh--Henry--

Then on a desperate impulse, he takes a coin from his pocket
and gets ready to flip.

HUBERT
Heads--Hill. Tails--Miller.

He shuts his eyes and flips. The coin falls on the library
table. He rushes to it. His eyes pop.

The COIN is seen standing on edge, leaned against a small
stack of magazines and papers.

HUBERT is at his wit's end. Then his eyes travel over to the
paper on top of the pile. We see the NEWSPAPER HEADLINE:

GRATEFUL CITIZENS POUR GRATITUDE
ON HERO JEFF SMITH

Hubert stares at this headline, then suddenly, wildly, dashes
for the door.

The scene dissolves to a STREET, at night: a row of simple,
white-frame houses with neatly kept front years and white
picket fences. Street lamps illumine the scene. A limousine
has come to a stop before one HOUSE, JEFFERSON SMITH'S, and
Governor Hubert Hopper is alighting. He pauses to look at
the house, is uncertain for an instant as to whether to go
in or not; then makes up his mind, pushes through the gate
and goes up the walk.

At the DOOR, Hubert pauses again before knocking, but finally
does so. As his knuckles rap on the door, a terrific blast
of band music, blaring instruments badly played. lets go
from inside the house. Hubert, startled out of his wits,
turns to run for his life and makes two steps when the door
is opened; and there stands a smallish, somewhat gray, sweet-
faced little lady (Jeff's Ma). The music goes on, so that
both have to raise their voices above it.

MA
I *thought* I heard... Yes?

HUBERT
Uh--Jefferson Smith's residence?

MA
Yes. Come in.

HUBERT
Is--uh--Jefferson Smith at home?

MA
Certainly. Step right in.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Governor Hopper is under intense pressure to fill the vacant Senate seat. Jim and Joe try to influence his decision but Hubert consults with a committee. The committee is not happy with the proposed candidate, Horace Miller. This leads to conflict, emotional intensity and high stakes. Later on, Hubert seeks the help of Jefferson Smith.
Strengths "Intense dialogue and emotional depth"
Weaknesses "Lack of visual description"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8.5

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene is from the film "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and is a great example of dialogue-driven storytelling. The scene serves to introduce the character of Jefferson Smith and establish his reputation as a hero through the enthusiastic accounts of Hubert's children. The scene also sets up the conflict between Hubert and his children, who are pushing for Smith to be appointed as a senator.

The scene is well-written, with snappy dialogue and vibrant characters. It effectively conveys the children's passion for Smith and their father's initial reluctance to consider him as a senator. The scene also showcases the humor and charm of the children.

One possible critique of the scene is that it relies heavily on exposition to establish Smith's character and reputation. The scene consists mainly of characters telling each other about Smith's heroic deeds and his status as an expert on wilderness matters. This can be seen as a shortcut to developing the character, rather than showing his skills and abilities in action.

However, the scene works well in the context of the film and is an entertaining and effective way to introduce Smith and his reputation. The dialogue and the performances of the actors elevate the scene and make it both engaging and memorable.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more action and visual description to make it more engaging for the audience. For example, instead of just stating that Hubert is pacing in his study, give more detail about his actions and emotions. Show him grabbing his head in frustration, throwing papers around, or slamming his fist on the desk. This will help the audience connect with his character and feel more invested in his journey.

Additionally, it may be helpful to tighten up the dialogue and eliminate any unnecessary repetition. For example, the children could simply say "Jefferson Smith" instead of repeating his name multiple times, which would make the scene feel more natural and realistic.

Another suggestion would be to show more conflict between Hubert and the other characters, particularly his family. This would add tension and drama to the scene, as well as highlight the stakes of Hubert's decision. Perhaps some of the children could argue with him more forcefully, or Emma could express her own opinion more strongly.

Finally, it would be beneficial to add more detail about Jefferson Smith himself, to make his character more compelling and memorable. Show more of his own actions and accomplishments, rather than just having the other characters talk about him. This will help the audience understand why he is such an important figure and why Hubert's decision matters so much.



Scene 5 - Pressure and Pet Shop Politics
In the SITTING ROOM of the Smith Home, a neat, cozy room,
there are about twenty kids, ranging from nine to fifteen,
imitating a band. An older boy is leading them. They are of
all descriptions of dress; some in poor clothes--one with
his leg in a brace. Hubert edges into the room dumbfounded.

MA
(loudly above the
music)
I'll call Jeff. He's back in the
shop--

She starts across the room. Hubert remains, disconcerted by
the music. Suddenly, he looks off into the adjoining room
with curious interest--and also to escape the music, he moves
toward it.

The adjoining room the Hubert enters is an OFFICE. It contains
everything from a roll-top desk crammed with mail, to a small
power printing press--to short-wave radio equipment. It is a
beehive of activity, with some eight or ten boys working
like the seven dwarfs--printing cards on the press--tying
copies of "Boy Stuff" into bundles--tinkering with the short-
wave set. Hubert is set back on his heels by this unexpected
sight. He notes the little placards framed on the wall,
bearing the words of great men, and such admonitions as:
"When there's an edge--give it to the other fellow." "When a
man dies he clutches in his hands only that which he has
given away during his lifetime--" --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
"No man is good enough to govern another."--Abraham Lincoln.
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your
grandfather was." He notes the boys working at the radio--
others working at the desk--while all the time, the little
power press goes on. Suddenly Ma returns, followed by
Jefferson Smith--fine looking, rangy, youthful--at the moment
wiping some white substance from his right hand.

JEFFERSON
Good evening, sir. I was just making
some--
(Then, astoundedly)
Governor Hopper!

MA
Well--I'll go to Halifax!

Suddenly great excitement ensues.

JEFFERSON
Boys! Attention! Governor Hopper!

The little fellows drop what they are doing and come to
attention while Jeff dives for a chair and whips it around.

HUBERT
Now--now--please--that's quite all
right. Relax, boys--

JEFFERSON
(at attention)
This--this is a great honor, sir. I--
I--

HUBERT
Not at all. I've come to pay you a
personal and official--and I might
say--a *tardy* tribute, Mr. Smith,
for your recent heroic conduct.

JEFFERSON
Oh, now, I'm afraid that's been
exaggerated some--

HUBERT
No. No. A signal service to the State.
Yes, indeed. And not only that but--
uh--I've heard of your excellent
work in leading and guiding our youth--

JEFFERSON
Well--that's not work, sir--that's
fun.

HUBERT
No doubt. No doubt. And this fine
little paper--"Boy Stuff"--with, I
dare say, an *enormous* circulation
in the State.

MA
Well--it started with a little
mimeograph sheet--and it's just grown
out of all sense and reason--

HUBERT
Excellent! Excellent! My boy, I'm
convinced our State has a great debt
of gratitude to you--

JEFFERSON
Oh, now--

MA
Jefferson--

JEFFERSON
Yes, Ma?

MA
Excuse me for interrupting, Governor,
but--
(To Jeff)
--that plaster's gonna harden any
second, son.

JEFFERSON
(on edge)
Gosh! You see sir--I was fixing some
plaster for a cast on Amos' leg--
he's always chewing 'em off. I'll
only be a minute--if you'll excuse
me, sir--

HUBERT
By all means--by all means.

Jeff exits hurriedly.

MA
Maybe you'd like to come along and
watch, Governor? Jefferson's done a
wonderful job with that leg.

HUBERT
Why, of course.

Ma starts out after Jeff--Hubert follows. He descends the
few steps after her.

The PET SHOP, which Ma and Hubert enter, is a crudely built
room, another addition to the house proper. The instant they
set foot inside, the damnedest furore breaks loose--dogs
bark--parrots scream, until Hubert is about to lose his mind.
Jeff is placing his plaster on the center table and is
stepping to one of the cages.

JEFFERSON
(calling)
Jerry! Blackie! Queenie! Let's have
it quiet, fellows!

MA
(calling)
Now, now, now!
(To Hubert)
It's all right, Governor.

She moves toward the table--Hubert following.

HUBERT
A pet shop?

MA
Well, it sort of got to be--from
Jeff just pullin' splinters and things--

Jeff pulls down from a cage Amos, a Siamese monkey, and sets
him on the TABLE. Amos is fighting fiercely. The cast on his
leg hangs down in shreds. Hubert, approaching, is amazed and
startled. Jefferson starts to pull the old cast from Amos'
leg.

JEFFERSON
(to Ma)
Here, Skinny, give me a hand. Hold
Amos' tail down so he can't get it
around my waist.

Ma holds the monkey's tail as directed--or tries to.

JEFFERSON
(to Amos)
Now, now, now--that isn't going to
get you any place. Get a firm grip,
Ma!

MA
Satan's in this little fella tonight!

JEFFERSON
(at work)
Sorry about this, Governor. But it
won't take a minute. You were saying
something in the other room, sir--

HUBERT
Well--yes--I was saying--the State
should reward you--

JEFFERSON
Aw--

HUBERT
--And it is in my power to confer a
very signal honor upon you. In my
official capacity, therefore, I--

JEFFERSON
Ma! Hold him!

MA
I just can't, son--not the head and
tail both!

HUBERT
Uh--could--could I help--?

JEFFERSON
Thanks, Governor--*yes*! Do you mind?
His head--Ma'll take the tail.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Governor Hopper visits the Smith home to reward Jefferson Smith for his good work and suggest him for the vacancy of the Senate seat. The scene shows the political pressure on Hopper, introducing key characters, and Smith's character of being a people's person. The scene also takes a humorous turn in the pet shop.
Strengths "The scene introduces key characters, highlights the political pressure, and provides a glimpse into Jefferson Smith's character. It also adds a touch of humor with the pet shop scene."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't add much to the main plot and lacks significant conflict and emotional impact. It could have been shorter."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems to be well-written with clear and concise description, but there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, there is some confusion as to who the character "Hubert" is - he is mentioned briefly at the beginning of the scene, but it is unclear who he is or what his role is until later on. It might be helpful to introduce him a bit more clearly at the start of the scene.

Secondly, the dialogue between the characters could be a bit more natural. Some lines feel a bit forced or unnatural, which can take the viewer out of the scene. For example, the line "I'll go to Halifax!" feels somewhat contrived and could be replaced with something more natural.

Finally, the action in the scene is quite dense, with a lot of activity happening simultaneously. While this can create a sense of excitement, it can also be overwhelming for the viewer. It might be helpful to break up the action a bit more and give the viewer a clearer sense of what is happening and who is doing what.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to give more context and backstory to the characters and their actions. The audience needs to understand why Hubert is visiting the Smith Home and also why Jefferson Smith is seen as a hero. This could be done through dialogue or through visual cues in the scene. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of saying "Well--yes--I was saying--the State should reward you--", Hubert could simply say "The State wants to reward you for your heroic actions." Lastly, the scene could benefit from some additional sensory details to immerse the audience in the chaotic pet shop environment and heighten the tension of the scene.



Scene 6 - The Appointment
HUBERT
The--head?

JEFFERSON
Just get one hand against each ear
there--keep his face straight up.

Hubert timidly does as directed. Amos yells--Hubert almost
lets go.

JEFFERSON
Amos!
(To Governor)
Hold 'im, Governor. That's right.
Cinch him down. Fine--fine--

Jeff starts to put the plaster on.
JEFFERSON
What were you saying, Governor? Sorry.

HUBERT
(determinedly--once
and for all)
I said, sir--in my official capacity--
as an honorary gesture--I appoint
you to the United States Senate!

It does not penetrate to Jeff that instant.

JEFFERSON
Now, Amos, now--
(Then, as Hubert's
words hit)
What?

MA
What?

At this instant, Amos wriggles his head and sinks his teeth
into the soft, white thumb of Governor Hopper.

HUBERT
(yelling)
Ow! He bit me!

He lets go of Amos, who wriggles and is nearly off the table.
Jeff and Ma make a dive for him.

JEFFERSON
(yelling)
Amos! Amos!

And, added to everything else, the pet shop goes up in a
roar.

The scene dissolves to NEWSPAPER HEADLINES, a flaring, eight-
column head reads:

GOVERNOR HOPPER IN SURPRISE APPOINTMENT

And another headline (with picture of Jefferson Smith):

HERO JEFFERSON SMITH
IS GOVERNOR'S SENATE CHOICE

The scene dissolves to the GOVERNOR'S LIBRARY, in the morning.
Taylor, McGann, Hubert and Paine are present.

TAYLOR
(pounding a newspaper
in his hand, yelling
at Happy)
--a *boy ranger* a squirrel chaser--
to the United States Senate!

HUBERT
Jim--the answer to a prayer--manna
from heaven--the man *we want*--and
the votes *we need*--

MCGANN
He's batty!

HUBERT
Listen--the simpleton of all time--a
big-eyed patriot--knows Washington
and Lincoln by heart--stood at
attention in the Governor's presence--
collects stray boys and cats--

TAYLOR
What!

HUBERT
Joe--*you* know what I'm talking
about. The perfect man. Never in
politics in his life. Wouldn't find
out what it's all about in two
*years*, lets alone two months. But
the important thing--and this was
the genius of the stroke--*it means
votes*!

MCGANN
Oh--oh.

HUBERT
He's the hero of fifty thousand boys
and a hundred thousand parents. Look
at these congratulations pouring in!
I tell you, gentlemen, by this one
statesman-like act, I have--

TAYLOR
(deadly)
But you went ahead and made this
appointment without asking me--

HUBERT
Jim--when the lightning hit, I--I
just--

TAYLOR
*But you never asked me*!

HUBERT
(petulantly)
Oh--Jim!

PAINE
Wait a minute, boys. Happy may have
hit on something tremendous here.
Rather than let Miller or anyone
else in at this stage, we simply put
blinders on this simple son of nature--
and turn him loose on monuments.
He's completely out of the way in
Washington, and as Happy says, you
make political capital out of it at
home.

TAYLOR
Joe--do you mean to say--do you think
you can actually *handle* this--this
whatever-you-call-it in Washington?

PAINE
(quietly)
A young patriot?--Who recites
Jefferson and Lincoln?--turned loose
in our nation's capital? I think I
can.

TAYLOR
(after a pause)
Chick--turn the ballyhoo boys loose
on this right away. Greatest
appointment ever made. A banquet--
declare a holiday.

MCGANN
Wow! A star-spangled banquet--and
one of Happy's windy spiels--music--
little kids--the flag--a tear-jerker
from way back--!

The scene dissolves to a MONTAGE, a series of headlines
screaming approval of Happy's choice--pictures of Happy with
Smith--of Happy shaking hands with person after person in
his office--of Jeff Smith surrounded by boys in his home,
cheering him, clustered around--and adults shaking his hand--
of telegrams coming to him in stacks--of, finally at night,
the Boy's Club band in the street, marching to a martial
air, banners at their head reading: "OUR OWN SENATOR JEFFERSON
SMITH."

This dissolves to a BANQUET HALL, in which HOPPER, seen at
close range, in white tie--beaming--on his feet at the banquet
table--is addressing an assemblage.

HUBERT
--in the hands of your Governor lay
the power to confer a great honor--
to raise a man to the high office of
United States Senator. And how did
your Governor confer that honor?
The scene then reveals a great, horseshoe banquet table,
crowded with leading citizens. At Hubert's left and right
sit Jefferson and Ma, Mrs. Hopper and Paine. MA is seen
beaming, while JEFFERSON looks dazed and nervous.

HUBERT'S VOICE
Did he give it to some wealthy or
influential citizen merely to curry
favor? No!
(As Paine is seen
looking down at Jeff)
Did he give it to some unworthy
political hireling? No!

TAYLOR AND MCGANN are seen seated at one of the wing tables--
to be out of sight. McGann raised his eyes to heaven for
relief.

HUBERT'S VOICE
What *did* he do? True to our party's
tradition--

EDWARDS is seen listening skeptically.

HUBERT'S VOICE
--he went down among the people--
(warming to a climax,
the banquet now in
full view)
--and there found--a nugget! A hero!!
That was the spirit your Governor
acted in. And in that spirit we have
come together tonight to acclaim and
bid Godspeed to--Senator Jefferson
Smith.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Governor Hopper appoints Jefferson Smith as the new senator in a humorous turn of events, and the scene shows the political pressure and interests at play.
Strengths "The scene introduces key characters and their interests, uses humor and irony to convey the story, and presents a well-established political and social context."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be repetitive or predictable at times, the emotional impact is low, and the character development is limited."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue flows naturally, and the action is clear and easy to follow. One potential critique is that there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit clunky or on-the-nose, such as when Hubert lists all of Jefferson's patriotic qualities. However, this can also be seen as intentional, as a way to highlight the over-the-top, exaggerated nature of politics and political speeches. Another critique is that there are moments where the action is described in more detail than necessary, such as when Jeff and Ma make a dive for Amos, which slows down the pace of the scene. Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively conveys the chaos and absurdity of politics.
Suggestions 1. Improve the dialogue: The scene lacks depth in dialogue. There is a lot of exclamation and yelling, which can be toned down. It could be improved by incorporating subtext and giving the characters more nuanced, authentic voices.

2. Add more action and description: The scene is mostly dialogue-driven, with little action and description. Adding more action and description can make the scene more engaging and help immerse the audience in the story.

3. Develop character arcs: The scene doesn't show much character development. Developing character arcs can help make the characters more relatable and give the scene more emotional depth.

4. Tighten the pacing: The scene drags on too long. Tightening the pacing can make the scene more engaging and entrancing.

5. Add tension and conflict: The scene lacks any significant tension or conflict. Adding conflict and tension can make the scene more compelling and keep the audience on their toes.



Scene 7 - Jefferson Smith Becomes a Senator
Strong applause--people get to their feet--a band blares a
salute. Hubert motions Jeff to get to his feet. Dry-mouthed,
Jeff rises. The noise dies out. They wait.

JEFFERSON
(simply--slowly)
Well--uh--thank you. I--I sort of
have a feeling there's been a big
mistake--I mean--
(as gentle laughter
greets him)
--I--I can't think of a greater honor.
It isn't just mine. It belongs to
all my boys.
(Turning to Paine)
Sitting with a man like Senator Paine--
I can't tell you how much greater
that makes the honor. He and my father
were very dear friends.

PAINE, startled, is seen looking up at Jeff.
JEFFERSON'S VOICE
My father used to tell me that Joseph
Paine was the finest man he ever
knew.

The applause startles Paine. He looks down, two places
removed, to MA, who is leaning over, smiling at him. Her
mouth forms the words: "Hello, Joseph."

We again see the banquet hall in full view, as the applause
stops.

JEFFERSON
I don't think I'll be much help to
you, Senator Paine.
(Laughter from the
audience)
But I *can* promise you this--I'll
uphold the honor with all my might--
I'll do nothing to disgrace the name
of--Senator of the United States.
(He sits down amid a
storm of applause)

TAYLOR AND MCGANN are seen applauding mechanically.

MCGANN
Who'd ever think I'd be back in Sunday
School?

The applause continues in the banquet hall. Then, suddenly,
a band starts to play off scene. All heads turn to the rear
of the hall. The BIG DOORS are pushed open and the Boy's
Club Band--followed by more of Jeff's boys--comes marching
in. The boys range in size from tiny fellows in front--
building back up, row by row, to the larger fellows in rear.
They march into the middle of the table formation. The band
plays a march. The banqueters cheer. JEFFERSON'S eyes are
alight. The boys come to a stop, marking time, until the
band stops. A little fellow--Jackie Hopper--steps to the
front. He is carrying something wrapped up. HUBERT AND EMMA
are seen watching this.

EMMA
(proudly)
Jackie!

TAYLOR AND MCGANN are also watching.

MCGANN
So help me--it's Snow White and a
thousand dwarfs!

There is a silence in the hall as Jackie wets his lips and
addresses Jeff.
JACKIE
(stumbling and nervous
with a memorized
speech)
Senator Jefferson Smith--we are very
proud on this great occas--the Boy
Rangers take this oppor--uh--
(lifts the package)
--in token of their--uh--in token of
this--
(breaking off, ad
libbing)
--It's a briefcase, Jeff! All the
kids pitched in! It's for to carry
your laws when you get there!

He rushes forward and pushes the gift into Jeff's hands. The
banqueters then applaud vigorously. Jeff, speechless and
touched, stands holding the briefcase. The band strikes up
"Auld Lang Syne." Everyone stands up, and joins the song.
Paine moves from his place over to Ma.

Ma is seen singing--as Paine comes to her side. She stops
singing. They shake hands warmly. Then Paine, looking at
Jeff, pantomimes: "Is that the little shaver I knew when he
was this high?" Ma nods. She starts to sign again, and we
get another full view of the hall. The song is sung earnestly
by the boys, the banqueters joining it.

JEFFERSON has opened the BRIEFCASE and is staring at it. It
is seen to be inscribed:

SENATOR JEFFERSON SMITH
OUR BEST RANGER--OUR BEST PAL

JEFF is looking off at the boys--his eyes a little dim; this
is the most wonderful moment of his life.

This dissolves to a Washington-bound TRAIN, on which we see
Jefferson and Senator Paine. Jefferson is fishing out of his
briefcase a copy of "Boy Stuff."

JEFFERSON
Well, it isn't much, but if you
insist, here's this week's.
(He hands it over)

PAINE
(examining it)
"Boy Stuff." Why, printer's ink runs
in your veins, Jeff. You're just
like your father.

JEFFERSON
Thank you, sir.

PAINE
Even to the hat. Same old dreamer,
too. One look at you and I can see
him, back of his old roll top desk,
hat and all, getting out his paper.
Always kept his hat on his head so
as to be ready to do battle. Clayton
Smith, editor and publisher, and
champion of lost causes.

JEFFERSON
Yeah, Dad always used to say the
only causes worth fighting for were
lost causes.

PAINE
You don't have to tell me Jeff. We
were a team, the two of us, a
struggling editor and a struggling
lawyer. The twin champions of lost
causes, they used to call us.

JEFFERSON
Ma's told me about it a thousand
times.

PAINE
His last fight was his best, Jeff.
He and his little four-page paper
against that mining syndicate and
all to defend the right of one small
miner who stuck to his claim. You
know, they tried everything, bribery,
intimidation, then--well--

JEFFERSON
Yes, Ma found him slumped over his
desk that morning...

PAINE
Shot in the back. I was there. I can
see him at that old roll top desk,
still with his hat on... still with
his hat on...

JEFFERSON
I know. I suppose, Mr. Paine, when a
fellow bucks up against a big
organization like that, one man by
himself can't get very far, can he?

PAINE
No.

The scene fades out.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Governor Hopper appoints Jefferson Smith as the new senator amidst political pressure and interests. Smith shows his character as a people's person, and the scene takes a humorous turn in the pet shop. The scene ends with Smith on a train to Washington with Senator Paine.
Strengths "Heartwarming and humorous tone, emotional moments, character development for Jefferson Smith."
Weaknesses "Lack of significant conflict or tension, some unrealistic moments such as the sudden appearance of the Boy Rangers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene showcases Jeff receiving an honor and gift from the Boy Rangers, and includes a conversation between Jeff and Senator Paine on a train. Overall, the scene effectively conveys Jeff's humility and dedication to his boys and his father's legacy while also highlighting the corrupt nature of politics and the power of organizations over individuals.

One potential area for improvement would be to add more specific and nuanced dialogue to the scene between Jeff and Senator Paine. While their conversation touches on the past and the power of organizations, it could benefit from more depth and complexity to fully explore these themes. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more varied camera angles and shots to add visual interest and movement.

Overall, the scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of Jeff's honor and his dedication to his cause, but could benefit from more specific and nuanced dialogue and varied camera angles.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Make it clearer why Jeff feels there has been a mistake. Is he overwhelmed by the honor, or does he feel unworthy? Adding some internal conflict would make the moment more compelling.

2. Develop the relationship between Jeff and Paine. Why is it so important that his father was friends with him? Is there more history there that could be explored?

3. Consider making the moment with the boys more impactful. Perhaps they could perform an original song or give a heartfelt speech, instead of just presenting a briefcase.

4. Use more descriptive language to bring the scene to life. Instead of just saying "the banqueters applaud," show us how they are reacting - are they jumping up and down, clapping their hands, or wiping tears from their eyes?

5. Build to a more dramatic conclusion. Instead of just fading out, consider ending with a strong image or line of dialogue that resonates with the audience and leaves them wanting more.



Scene 8 - Jefferson Smith arrives in Washington
In the TRAIN SHED (Washington D.C.), we see McGann, Paine,
Jefferson, Porters and bags.
JEFFERSON
Washington!

MCGANN
Yeah, for the fifth time, Senator--
Washington.

JEFFERSON
My pigeons--I better see about my
pigeons.

MCGANN
The porter's got them. They're coming.

JEFFERSON
(running out)
Just a minute, I better make sure.

MCGANN
(to Paine)
Boy! My head's like a balloon--for
two whole days. I never knew there
was so much American history.

PAINE
(kidding)
You can't find it in racing forms,
Chick.

MCGANN
Fine thing Jim Taylor wished on me--
show him the monuments--I need this
job like I need ten pounds.

Jeff comes back carrying the pigeons.

JEFFERSON
Here they are--I got them. They are
all right.

MCGANN
Well, that ends that crisis. This
way, Senator.

They exit.

At the STATION: Jeff, McGann, Paine and Porters walk in.
Susan Paine and three other girls rush in and kiss Paine and
Jeff. The girls carry little cans or boxes with milk fund
ribbons on them--in which they collect money.

GIRLS
Hello, Father.
I saw him first.
He's mine---
Jeff is utterly confused by the four girls trying to kiss
him.

PAINE
Here, here, Susan--this is Jeff Smith--
our new Senator.

SUSAN
I don't care to meet anybody until I
get paid--come on--come on. One dollar
each, please, for the Milk Fund.

ANOTHER GIRL
If you don't pay quickly you'll get
kissed again.

JEFFERSON
(confused and searching
in his pockets)
A dollar--four dollars. Gosh! You
wouldn't settle for some keys, would
you?

PAINE
Here, Jeff, I'll advance it for you.--
Fine introduction to the nation's
capital!

MCGANN
(pulling out a roll)
Here, I'll take a dozen of those
things. Miss Paine.

SUSAN
(taking money)
Thank you, Mister McGann, you have a
very kind heart.

McGann "burns" at not being kissed.

PAINE
This is my daughter, Susan, and her
friends--Senator Jefferson Smith.

GIRLS
How do you do?
Meet the new Senator.
I thought he'd be a Ranger with a
big hat.

SUSAN
(pointing at the
pigeons)
What have you got there, Senator?

MCGANN
Pigeons--to carry messages back to
Ma.

JEFFERSON
Just for the fun of it.--You see the
one that makes it back home in the
fastest time, I am going to enter in
the nationals.

SUSAN
Wonderful!

ANOTHER GIRL
There's romance in him.

SUSAN
Imagine having love notes delivered
to you by a pigeon.

At this instant two middle-aged men, slightly hard-faced,
named Cook and Griffith, descend on the party.

COOK
Joe!

GRIFFITH
Hello, Chick.

MCGANN
H'ya, Carl--h'ya, Bill!

PAINE
Jeff--meet Mr. Cook and Mr. Griffith--
members of our State headquarters
here.

Cook and Griffiths fall on Jeff, wringing his hand and again
Jeff can't get a word in. He has put his pigeons down.

COOK
Great pleasure, Senator! Yes *sir*.
Great appointment! You'll do the old
State proud!

GRIFFITH
Welcome, Senator. This wild life
around here is a little different
from what you're used to. They wear
high heels! Hah! Hah!

PAINE
Well, let's get started. Bill--you've
made reservations at the hotel for
the Senator and Chick--

COOK
All fixed. Same floor with you, Joe.
SUSAN
(with lifted eyebrows)
How nice.

PAINE
All right, we'll take Jeff with us--

SUSAN
I'm afraid we won't have room in the
car, Father. Senator Smith can follow
with Mr. McGann and the pigeons.

JEFFERSON
Sure.

SUSAN
Well, we *must* see a lot of you,
Senator. Come, Father.

Paine is being pulled away by Susan. The girls, waving good-
bye to Jeff, follow. Griffith walks along a bit with Paine.

PAINE
(calling back--
cautioning)
Chick--

MCGANN
I've got 'im, Joe. Be right along.

PAINE AND GRIFFITH are now seen together.

PAINE
Are you ready for him, Bill?

GRIFFITH
All set. Foley's rooms in the Senate
office building--nice, big clean
desk--lot of Senator stationery to
write his little boys on--and Foley's
secretary, Saunders, to make it look
like the real thing--

PAINE
Good. Are the newspaper men at the
hotel?

GRIFFITH
Yup--Sweeney, Flood, Farrell--waiting
for you--

PAINE
Fine. The first thing to do is--
present Mr. Smith to the press--in
the *right* way. Hurry him along,
Bill.
GRIFFITH
How do you feel, champ?

PAINE
All right, why?
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Political"]

Summary Jefferson Smith is greeted by Senator Paine, McGann, and Porter at the train shed in Washington. Four girls rush in and kiss Jeff and Susan Paine introduces them to the new Senator. Mr. Cook and Mr. Griffith, members of their State headquarters, come and greet the party. Paine and Griffith discuss their plan with the promotion of Jeff.
Strengths "The humor in the scene makes it more engaging. Jefferson's character is well developed. The dialogue is well written."
Weaknesses "There isn't much conflict or emotional intensity in the scene. The stakes aren't high."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 3

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene serves as an introductory scene to the characters and setting of Washington D.C. for the audience. It establishes the tone of the film as light and comedic while also introducing some of the political figures that will play a role in the story.

There are a few issues with the scene, however. The dialogue is somewhat on-the-nose and doesn't feel entirely natural, particularly in the line "There's romance in him." There are also some moments where the pacing feels a bit slow, such as when Jefferson is searching for money to pay the milk fund.

Additionally, the scene doesn't fully establish what is at stake for the characters or what their goals are. It serves as more of a character introduction than a scene that advances the plot.

While this scene does serve a purpose, there could be more efficient and effective ways to establish the characters and setting while also advancing the plot. Overall, it could benefit from tighter dialogue and a clearer sense of what is at stake for the characters.
Suggestions 1. Clarify character intentions: In this scene, it is not entirely clear what the characters want. It would be helpful to have a clearer understanding of what Jefferson, McGann, Paine, Susan, and the other girls want or need.

2. Increase tension: The scene feels very light and lacks any real tension or conflict. It could benefit from adding some sort of obstacle or tension to heighten the stakes.

3. Make dialogue more efficient: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive or unnecessary. Trimming down the dialogue, especially the repetitive back and forth between Jefferson and McGann about Washington, would help make the scene more efficient.

4. Develop character relationships: There are a lot of characters in this scene, but we don't get much sense of their relationships. It would be helpful to develop these relationships more and show how the characters interact with each other.

5. Add details to location: The scene takes place in the train shed and the station, but we don't get much of a sense of the environment. Adding some visual details would help ground the scene in a specific location and make it feel more real.



Scene 9 - Lost in Washington
GRIFFITH
Your name's spreading like wild-fire
out here--you are the winterbook
favorite to get on the National
ticket.

PAINE
Oh! Go away.

Newsmen come up with cameras to photograph Paine.

JEFFERSON, MCGANN AND COOK are seen together.

MCGANN
All right, Senator--let's get these
bags and the livestock together--

JEFFERSON
(suddenly pointing)
Look! There it is!

MCGANN
What? Who?

We see what Jeff is pointing at--the CAPITOL DOME, up on
"The Hill"--framed in one of the station portals.

JEFFERSON'S VOICE
The Capitol Dome!

The GROUP looks at Jeff dryly.

COOK
Yes, sir--big as life. Been there
some time now.

MCGANN
Yes, sir.
(Busily, to porters)
All right, boys--let's go.

Jeff has taken a few steps in the direction of the Dome.
Griffith joins them, and McGann, Cook and Griffith start off
with porters.

MCGANN
This way, Senator.

McGann, Cook and Griffith are seen moving on, not conscious
that Jeff isn't following.
GRIFFITH
Say, we thought--maybe we ought to
meet him in short pants--you know--
with hatchets.

Cook points to the pigeons a porter carriers.

COOK
What's he bringing pigeons for?

MCGANN
(sour and sore)
What for? Why, suppose there's a
storm--all lines are down--how you
gonna get a message to Ma?

Cook and Griffith give McGann alarmed looks.

JEFF is seen, with his eyes fixed ahead, through the portals,
on the Dome; he is drawn unconsciously in that directions.

MCGANN, COOK AND GRIFFITH are approaching the door to the
outside.

MCGANN
(looks back)
Okay, Senator--right through here--

They all stop dead.

MCGANN
Where is he? Hey, Senator! What's
the matter with that cookie? I *told*
him to--. Come on, let's find him.
Hey, Smith!

The three start back into the station.

The scene dissolves to the STATION, where McGann, Cook and
Griffith are coming together.

COOK
Positively not in the station! Gone!

MCGANN
I'll brain that guy! Well--call Paine--
call Saunders--

Carl rushes off.

MCGANN
(yelling through cupped
hands)
Hey--*ranger*!

The scene dissolves to a PHONE BOOTH, in which Carl Cook is
telephoning.
COOK
--Saunders! Smith hasn't showed up
at his office there, has he?... No?...
What do you mean 'the slip'?... What's
so funny?

In JEFF SMITH'S OUTER OFFICE (SENATE OFFICE BUILDING) SAUNDERS
is on the phone. She is a girl in her late twenties--pretty--
and a shrewd, keen, abrupt creature--who, at the moment laughs
mirthlessly.

SAUNDERS
Nothing. Have you tried a butterfly
net?

In the PHONE BOOTH:

CARL
Lay off, Saunders. If your feet felt
like mine... Listen--if he shows up
there--Paine's waiting at the hotel
with newspaper men--let him know
right away--understand?

In JEFF'S OUTER OFFICE, Saunders, on the phone, is regarding
Diz Moore--a fairly young, disheveled, freckle-faced Irishman,
at the moment stretched out on the sofa.

SAUNDERS
Sure. Sure. I'll hang a light in the
steeple. One if by land--two if by
sea!... Okay!
(Hanging up)
Diz--you won't believe it. Daniel
Boone's *lost*!

DIZ
No!

The door bursts open and a reporter called Nosey sticks his
head in.

NOSEY
(a fast talker)
Is this new guy Smith here yet? I
want a little interview. How about
it? Arrived yet--?

SAUNDERS AND DIZ
(together)
No! Scram! Blow!

Nosey slams out.

SAUNDERS
How do you *like* this! You don't
suppose that ranger met up with some
kids--and took 'em for a hike!

DIZ
That--or he's out blazing trails.
He'll show up.

SAUNDERS
Sure--sure. He must have a compass
with him.

The scene dissolves to the STATION, where McGann, Cook and
Griffith are very tired men.

MCGANN
(mopping his brow)
--that dummy wandered off and got
hit by a taxi! Bill--call the
hospitals--hurry up--!

Bill runs off, McGann yelling after him.

MCGANN
And while you're at it, get me a
bed!

COOK
Let's send out a pigeon!

MCGANN
Blow a bugle!

The exterior of the CAPITOL BUILDING is seen, in the view
from the Library of Congress side, showing both wings of
House and Senate with the steps leading up to the massive
columns.

SPIELER'S VOICE
--and there you have it, folks--the
Capitol of the United States--the
home of Congress--

IN FRONT OF THE CAPITOL, people in a bus are craning their
necks out--*and we find Jeff among them*! A spieler is
standing in front near the driver, speaking through a small
megaphone.

SPIELER
Yes, *sir*! You are looking at the
building where your law-makers have
sat since the time of Washington--

In the BUS, Jeff looks at the Spieler suddenly.

JEFFERSON
Since the time of Adams--not
Washington.
SPIELER
How's that, buddy?

JEFFERSON
I said--I mean--Washington didn't
live to see it finished. Congress
didn't move here from Philadelphia
till eighteen hundred.
Genres: ["Comedy","Political Drama"]

Summary Jeff Smith gets lost on his way to the Capitol building and his colleagues search for him while he explores the city.
Strengths
  • The humor of the situation
  • The contrast between Jeff's innocence and the jadedness of his colleagues
Weaknesses
  • The lack of tension or conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 2

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the plot forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The scene could benefit from clearer action lines and descriptions. At times, it is difficult to discern who is speaking and/or what they are doing.

- The character motivations could be clearer. For example, it is not entirely clear why Jeff is fixated on the Capitol Dome, and why the other characters are so concerned about finding him.

- There is some repetition in the dialogue, particularly in the banter between McGann, Cook, and Griffith. This could be tightened up to make the scene more streamlined.

Overall, though, the scene is a solid example of screenwriting, with clear goals, obstacles, and conflicts for the characters.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the conflict more: Right now, there isn't much conflict or tension in the scene, which makes it feel a bit flat. Consider adding more friction between the characters, or giving Jeff a clearer goal or obstacle to overcome.

2. Tighten up the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit clunky and unnatural. Try to make it more concise and natural-sounding.

3. Give Jeff a clearer arc: It's not clear what Jeff's journey is supposed to be in this scene, or how it connects to the larger story. Consider giving him a clearer objective or motivation, and showing how this scene fits into his larger character arc.

4. Use more visual language: Screenplays are a visual medium, so try to use more visual language to convey what's happening. For example, you could describe the Capitol building in more detail, or show how the characters are reacting to it.

5. Create a stronger sense of place: It's not entirely clear where this scene is taking place or how it connects to the larger story. Consider adding more details to create a stronger sense of place and context.



Scene 10 - Jefferson Smith Visits the Lincoln Memorial
SPIELER
(trying to scare him
out of his facts)
Oh--you're *sure* of that now?

JEFFERSON
Yes. Washington laid the cornerstone
though--wearing an apron for the
ceremony that was embroidered by
Madame Lafayette--

SPIELER
(interrupting)
Yes, *sir*.
(Quickly to driver)
Let's *go* Henry.

The driver throws the bus into gear as the spieler gives
Jefferson a dirty look.

SPIELER
Now, on your right, folks--you see
the Library of Congress--

All heads turn to look out of the right side of the bus, and
the exterior of the CONGRESSIONAL LIBRARY is seen as the bus
moves along.

SPIELER'S VOICE
--greatest library in the world.
Five million books and two and a
half-million maps, charts, and musical
compositions--

In the BUS, JEFFERSON, seen closely, is looking at the
building in an awed manner.

JEFFERSON
You left out the most important thing!
That's where you see the Constitution
and the Declaration of Independence!

The SPIELER is seen getting pretty sore at this kind of thing.

SPIELER
As the gentleman says--without anybody
asking him--that's where you see
those original, priceless documents--
the Constitution and Declaration of
Independence.
(To Jeff, sarcastically)
Much obliged, my friend. You're a
great help to me. Let's *go*, Henry!

The scene dissolves to a series of views (a TRAVEL MONTAGE)
of the Washington monuments as Jeff sees them--his amazement
and reverence on seeing the Supreme Court Building, the White
House, the Washington Monuments, Constitution Avenue, and so
on.

Then the LINCOLN MEMORIAL comes to view and JEFF is seen
walking up the steps--eyes fixed ahead wonderingly. Soon he
approaches the top steps and now his is on the floor of the
shrine. Suddenly he stops dead, and the full figure of LINCOLN
comes to view--the huge, overpowering figure, seated in that
great armchair. It is an almost breathing sculpture of the
great, humane man, looking out.

JEFFERSON, seen closely, is over-awed and reverent, looking
up at the face. With mechanical steps he comes forward,
against a background of enormous columns which shed a powerful
solemnity upon the scene. He comes forward slowly and stops,
and the words on the statue appear:

IN THIS TEMPLE
AS IN THE HEARTS OF THE PEOPLE
FOR WHOM HE SAVED THE UNION
THE MEMORY OF ABRAHAM
LINCOLN
IS ENSHRINED FOREVER

JEFFERSON has his heart in his mouth. His head turns slowly
to the left.

On the LEFT WALL, the Second Inaugural Address of Lincoln,
carved in the stone, appears, and JEFFERSON'S head turns
back to Lincoln. He quotes in a half-voice--looking up as
though he heard Lincoln say it:

JEFFERSON
(softly)
'--with malice toward none, with
charity for all--with firmness in
the right as God gives us to see the
right...'

He breaks off and turns his head to the right.

Then at the RIGHT WALL, the Gettysburg Address, carved in
stone, appears, and JEFFERSON, turning back to the figure of
Lincoln, again recites:

JEFFERSON
(softly)
'--that these dead shall not have
died in vain--that this nation, under
God, shall--'

LINCOLN'S FIGURE is seen at close range as Jefferson's voice
comes over.

JEFFERSON'S VOICE
'--have a new birth of freedom--and
that Government of the people, by
the people, for the people--shall
not perish from the earth...'

While Jefferson says these words and while we hold on the
face of the man who uttered them the scene dissolves slowly.

JEFF'S SENATE OUTER OFFICE is seen at dusk; the light is
murky. Saunders is pacing a groove in the carpet; Diz Moore
is still reclining on the sofa.

DIZ
Getting on to dinner, isn't it, pal?

SAUNDERS
(grimly)
I give that Trail Blazer five more
minutes to show up--
(turning on the desk
lamp viciously)
--*five more minutes*!

The phone rings.

SAUNDERS
(indicating the ringing
phone)
Well--who d'you take this time--Paine,
Bill, Carl--or McGann?

DIZ
Hey--you're into me for a buck
already. I say--McGann. Shoot the
whole dollar.

SAUNDERS
Okay. For the dollar, I give you
McGann *and* Bill and Carl. I got
Paine.
(Picking up the phone)
Hello... Oh, yes.

Saunders does a 'gimme' gesture at Diz.

SAUNDERS
No, not yet, Senator Paine--not hide
nor hair of the man. You mean to say
the boys haven't--?
DIZ
Eight to five Little Boy Blue is
plastered.

SAUNDERS
(into the phone)
Well, why don't they try the police--
get some blood hounds--or Indian
guides--

In a CORNER OF THE PAINE HOTEL APARTMENT, Paine is on the
telephone, and is smiling.

PAINE
As a last resort, maybe... Now wait,
Saunders--you *can't* leave there!
The one place he knows in this city--
is the Senate office--and you stay
there and wait... it isn't *that*
late--

In JEFF'S OUTER OFFICE:

SAUNDERS
(into the phone)
All right--then another half hour.
Just *one* half hour, Senator.
Goodbye.

She hangs up angrily and storms away.

SAUNDERS
Why don't I quit? Why don't I pick
up and walk out of here?

She passes Diz, grabbing the dollar bill which he holds up
like a torch--and goes right on talking.

SAUNDERS
Tell me why!
Genres: ["Drama","Political"]

Summary Jefferson Smith visits the Lincoln Memorial and recites Lincoln's famous speeches.
Strengths "The scene sheds light on Jeff's character and ideals. It is solemn and powerful. The dialogue is poignant and meaningfully linked to Jeff's character."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and the plot does not move forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

Overall, the scene effectively sets up Jefferson's reverence for American history and iconic figures like Lincoln. The dialogue between Jefferson and the spieler adds a bit of humor and tension, however, the sarcasm from the spieler feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose.

The travel montage of Washington D.C. landmarks adds a visually stunning element to the scene, but it is a bit lengthy and could potentially drag on for some audiences.

The moment in which Jefferson quotes Lincoln's speeches while standing in the Lincoln Memorial is a powerful and emotional moment, adding depth to the character and highlighting his patriotism.

In terms of character development, the scene showcases Jefferson's passion and knowledge of American history, which is important for his role in the overall story. However, there could be more conflict or tension added to this scene to make it more engaging for the audience.

Overall, the scene has its strengths in showcasing setting and character, but could benefit from more nuanced dialogue and conflict.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from clearer dialogue and better pacing. Some suggestions would be to cut down on the interruptions from the spieler and give more focus on Jefferson's awe and reverence as he visits the various monuments. Also, Jeff's recitation of Lincoln's speeches could be more impactful if given more attention and a slower pace. Additionally, the dialogue between Saunders and Diz could be refined to be more natural and less forced. Overall, the scene could be made more emotionally resonant by tightening up the pacing and focusing on the key moments of awe and reverence.



Scene 11 - Senator Smith Gets Lost
DIZ
(looking at his empty
hand)
Well, because you're doing all right
at the minute.

SAUNDERS
When Foley died, why didn't I clear
out? How many times, did you hear me
say I was fed up on politics and--?
But *no*--I let 'em talk me into
staying. Secretary to a leader of
little squirts. Why? Because I need
the job and a new suit of clothes.
DIZ
Would you settle for a husband?

SAUNDERS
(absently--walking)
What's this, Diz?

DIZ
That old standing offer from Diz
Moore--Poet of Washington
Correspondents.

SAUNDERS
(absently)
Huh?

DIZ
You know--Mrs. Diz Moore.

She is walking furiously, her mind only half on what Diz is
saying.

SAUNDERS
Oh--that again. Yeah.

DIZ
(flatly)
I would cherish you--and stay sober.

SAUNDERS
Diz, you're a swell playmate--but--.
Maybe if I saw you once with your
hair combed, or something--or--no,
no--I don't think even that would do
it--

DIZ
(resigned)
Well, if you're sure it wouldn't--no
use combing my hair for nothing.

SAUNDERS
No--don't do it. I'm sure. The truth
is, Diz--there's no man I've seen
yet or--must be something wrong with
me. I've been feeling low for weeks.

DIZ
You got worms.

SAUNDERS
What! Who?

DIZ
You know--little worms--ambition.

SAUNDERS
Yeah. Should have seen me seven years
ago--when I came to this town. *Now*
what am I?--chambermaid to the Pied
Piper of Jackson City; *Honorary*
appointment! Scratch this thing an
you'll find they wanted a dope here
for two months.

There is a knock on the door.

SAUNDERS
(yelling angrily)
Yes!

The door doesn't open at once.

SAUNDERS
Yes!

The door opens slowly and Jefferson's head pokes in.

SAUNDERS
What is it?

JEFFERSON
Office of--Senator Smith?

SAUNDERS
*No*!

JEFFERSON
(looks at number on
door)
The man downstairs said number--

SAUNDERS
No!

Startled and scared, Jeff backs out, closing the door.

SAUNDERS
(to Diz, picking up
where she left off)
Yup--they must have picked the prize
dummy--
(Then, struck by
lightning--pointing
at the door)
*Wait* a minute! That wouldn't be--
*Daniel Boone*!

She makes a beeline for the door, yanking it open.

In the CORRIDOR, Jeff is gazing around at the door numbers
bewilderedly--when Saunders appears.

SAUNDERS
(excitedly)
What's your name?

JEFFERSON
J-Jefferson Smith.

She makes a run and a grab for him.

SAUNDERS
Oh--oh! Come right in! Yes, indeed.
Right this way--

She pulls him into the office, Jeff alarmed and speechless.

In the OFFICE, Saunders is seen dragging him in, her movements
very excited.

SAUNDERS
Now, hold it, Senator. Stay right
where you are. Don't go 'way--

And she rushes for the phone. Diz' feet come off the sofa
with a thud.

SAUNDERS
(into the phone,
excitedly)
Hello--hello. Helen! Get the Shoreham--
Paine's apartment. Hurry, will you!

She holds the phone.

JEFFERSON
Is--is something the matter?

SAUNDERS
Oh, no--no!
(Then with heavy
sarcasm)
My dear *Senator*--it may be customary
out on the prairie to take French
leave of people and not be heard of
again for five hours--

JEFFERSON
Gee--I'm sorry about that, Miss--you
*are* Miss Saunders, aren't you?

SAUNDERS
Yes, I'm Saunders--and this is Mr.
Moore--a member of the press. Meet
the *Senator*, Mr. Moore.

JEFFERSON
(seizing Diz' hand)
Pleased to meet you, sir.
DIZ
(wincing under the
handshake)
How do you do, Senator? I see you
made it.

JEFFERSON
Made it? Oh! Yes. Silly of me--you
see, what happened was--

SAUNDERS
(suddenly into the
phone, with heavy
sarcasm)
Hello... Yes, Senator Paine. Yes.
Right here. Just came in--under his
own power... Yes--he's sober--that's
the very next thing on the schedule...
Yes, sir, I'll have him right over.

She hangs up, and comes forward to Jefferson.

JEFFERSON
Gee, I'm sorry. You see, it wasn't
until I was fairly well along in the
bus that I realized--

SAUNDERS
Did you say--bus?

JEFFERSON
One of those sightseers--you know.
You see, I--gosh, I've never been
called absent-minded or... but there
it was all of a sudden--looking right
at me through one of the station
doors--

SAUNDERS
There *what* was?

JEFFERSON
The Dome--the Capitol Dome--

Saunders just looks at Diz with wide eyes.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary Senator Smith gets lost on his way to the Capitol building and is dragged to his office by Saunders and Diz. Saunders calls Senator Paine to clear up any suspicion of drunkenness.
Strengths "The scene is amusing and provides insights into the character of Saunders and Diz. The dialogue is snappy and engaging. "
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have high stakes and doesn't seem to contribute much essential to the story."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems to lack focus and coherence. It jumps from topic to topic without any clear direction or purpose. The dialogue feels disconnected and unfocused, and it's difficult to follow the characters' motivations or emotional states. Additionally, the characters feel underdeveloped and lack distinct personalities. There are moments of humor and potential intrigue (i.e. with the introduction of Senator Smith), but they are quickly overshadowed by the overall disjointedness of the scene.

In terms of specific feedback, there are a few areas that could be improved:
- Work on developing the characters' voice and personalities. Right now, they all feel very similar and don't have distinct ways of speaking or thinking.
- Provide more clarity and focus. The dialogue needs to have a clear purpose and direction, rather than feeling like a series of random statements.
- Consider the pacing - the scene jumps around quickly and may be difficult for viewers to follow.

Overall, this scene needs more work to get it to a place of cohesion and clarity.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. There needs to be more clarity on what is happening. It's unclear why Saunders is so excited to see Jefferson Smith, and what the purpose of his visit is. The dialogue jumps around and doesn't provide a clear motivation for the character's actions.

2. There's a lot of dialogue that feels extraneous and doesn't move the scene forward. For example, the exchange about Diz combing her hair feels unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the plot or character development.

3. There's an opportunity to add more tension and conflict to the scene. What is causing Saunders to act so excitedly? Is she hiding something from Jefferson Smith? This could be explored further to add more depth to the characters and the overall story.

4. The dialogue could be tightened up to make it more engaging and impactful. Right now, there's a lot of rambling and repetition that slows the pace down. By cutting unnecessary dialogue and tightening up what remains, the scene could become more compelling and effective.



Scene 12 - Jefferson Smith Gets Lost
JEFFERSON
--big as life--sparkling away there
under the sun. I--I started walking
toward it--and there was a bus outside--
and--well--I--I just naturally got
aboard--

SAUNDERS
Most natural thing in the world!

JEFFERSON
I don't believe I've been so thrilled
in my--oh, and that Lincoln Memorial!
Gee! There he is--Mr. Lincoln--looking
right at you as you come up the steps--
sitting there like he was waiting
for someone to come along--

SAUNDERS
Well--he's got nothing on me.

She turns away and starts for her hat and coat.

SAUNDERS
Now, if you're ready, Senator, we
can start for the hotel. I'll *see*
that you get there.

JEFFERSON
(with a laugh)
Yes--I think maybe you'd better.

The scene dissolves to the interior of the TAXICAB with
JEFFERSON AND SAUNDERS, Jefferson looking out of the windows,
seeing what he can see, even though it's night; Saunders
giving him an impatient, martyred look.

JEFFERSON
(pointing out)
Whose statue is that?

SAUNDERS
I wouldn't know in the *day time*.

Suddenly he leans over Saunders and points excitedly out her
side of the cab.

JEFFERSON
The Capitol Dome! Lighted up!

SAUNDERS
(gently pushing him
off)
You--uh--you better relax, Senator.
You'll be plumb wore out.

JEFFERSON
Tell me, Miss Saunders--what time
does the Senate--uh--what do they
call it?

SAUNDERS
Convene?

JEFFERSON
Convene--that's it--yes. I got to
pick up some of those parliamentary
words. I imagine a fellow can get
pretty lost in the Senate without
'em--

SAUNDERS
(more or less under
her breath)
With or without 'em.
(Quickly)
Twelve--noon. The Senate convenes at
twelve o'clock.

JEFFERSON
(breaking in--full of
the idea)
Gosh--that'll be something! You know
what I better do in the morning?

SAUNDERS
(wearily)
No. What had you better--?

JEFFERSON
Go out to Mount Vernon. It'd be a
sort of fine thing to do--see
Washington's home just before walking
into the Senate for the first time--
don't you think?

SAUNDERS
(hollowly)
Oh--a wonderful thing--yes. Get you
right in the mood--yes--yes.

Just then, the cab pulls over toward the curb and Saunders
perks up.

SAUNDERS
Oh--and *here* we are, Senator! Well,
well, well! At last!

The cab stops and a uniformed doorman opens the cab door on
Jefferson's side.

Now we see the HOTEL CURB, THE CAB, THE FOOTMAN, and JEFF
looking out of the cab. Coming out of the hotel is a party
in evening dress--white mufflered, top-hatted man--and women
in furs.

SAUNDERS
(impatiently)
After you. Do you mind?

Jeff stares at the party, at the footman--then up at the
fifteen-story hotel.

SAUNDERS
(very impatiently)
This is *it*, Senator!

In the CAB:

JEFFERSON
No, gee--I couldn't stay here--

SAUNDERS
(amazed)
You *couldn't*?

JEFFERSON
I mean--gosh--I wouldn't be
comfortable in a--I--I haven't got
clothes and things like that--and--I
couldn't keep pigeons *there*--No--I--
I just--just wouldn't be--

And he pulls the cab door closed.

DRIVER
Where to, Mister?

JEFFERSON
Where to, Miss Saunders?

SAUNDERS
(at the end of her
patience)
Where? Why, the wide open spaces!

The scene dissolves to a PHONE BOOTH, with SAUNDERS
telephoning.

SAUNDERS
(with emphasis)
--all I know is, he refused to go
into your hotel, Senator Paine--and
not having my lasso with me, I didn't
know how to *make* him.

In PAINE'S HOTEL APARTMENT, Paine is on the phone, with McGann
in the background.

PAINE
What did you do? Where did he go?

In the PHONE BOOTH:

SAUNDERS
Well--finally--after a substantial
tour of the city, he saw a sort of
boarding house, built nice and close
to the ground. That's what he wanted--
and that's where you're to send his
bags--Eleven B Street, Northeast. Oh--
and don't forget the pigeons!
In PAINE'S HOTEL APARTMENT:

PAINE
And that's where you *left* him?

In the PHONE BOOTH:

SAUNDERS
(with weary sarcasm)
...Oh, he's perfectly all right.
Going to stay in and write to Ma
tonight... Ma. Ma. Don't you know
Ma? And then he'll take his swig of
Castoria and go to sleep... I'd rather
not think about the morning right
now, if you don't mind. Goodnight,
Senator!
(She hangs up)

In PAINE'S HOTEL APARTMENT, Paine hangs up the phone.

PAINE
Eleven B Street, Northeast. Take his
bags and your own right over--and
get yourself a room in the same place--

MCGANN
Listen, Joe--at least--after a day
like this--I got one good bust coming
before I start showing him monuments--

He is interrupted by Susan, who comes dashing in excitedly,
all dressed to go out.
Genres: ["comedy"]

Summary Jefferson Smith gets lost on his way to the hotel and refuses to stay when they arrive. Saunders calls Senator Paine to inform him of the situation and they eventually find a boarding house for Smith to stay in.
Strengths "Humorous and lighthearted scene with good characterization of Jefferson Smith and Saunders."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much conflict or emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene is well written and effectively conveys the character's emotions and thoughts. The dialogue between Jefferson and Saunders is believable and natural, and both characters are well-defined. The scene also effectively uses visuals to complement the dialogue, such as when Jefferson points out the Capitol Dome and Saunders gives him a weary look.

However, there are a few areas for improvement. Some of the dialogue could be tightened up for clarity and to maintain the flow of the scene. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more active descriptions and actions, such as gestures or facial expressions, to make it more visually engaging. Finally, the scene could potentially be shortened or edited down to improve pacing and keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions Firstly, the dialogue needs to be tightened to keep the scene moving. There are pauses and unnecessary words that slow the pace down.

Secondly, the scene needs more action. There's a lot of talking in a cab, which doesn't add much to the visual aspect of the film. It would be useful to add more setting description, or some blocking to make the scene more engaging to watch.

Thirdly, the motivations of Jefferson need to be clearer. It's not quite clear why he suddenly changes his mind about staying at the hotel. Making it clear that he's overwhelmed by the grandeur of the hotel or that he feels uncomfortable with the luxuries would make his decision more understandable.

Lastly, adding some conflict or tension to the scene would add to the overall storytelling. Perhaps Saunders is in a rush to get Jefferson settled in and he's resisting her demands, or maybe there's a potential danger lurking in the streets that they need to avoid. Something to add a sense of danger or urgency to the scene.



Scene 13 - Saunders and Diz Plot Against Jeff
SUSAN
For heaven's sake--will someone please
get those pigeons out of this
apartment! They're smelling up the
place something--

MCGANN
Pigeons!

The scene dissolves to a RESTAURANT BAR, with Saunders and
Diz hopped up on stools. Saunders is grimly and angrily
holding forth.

SAUNDERS
I'm still asking myself--what is he--
animal, vegetable, or mineral? A
Senator! A United States Senator! I
thought I'd seen everything but--
why, he doesn't know what time it
is, Diz! When I think of myself
sitting around--playing straight for
all that phoney, patriotic chatter--
*me*, carrying bibs for an infant
with little flags in his fists--no,
I can't take it, Diz--I'm through--I
quit!

DIZ
Sure--sure--wait a minute now--simmer
down--

NOSEY, at this point, saunters up to the bar, his back to
Saunders.

SAUNDERS
(breaking out again)
Why--do you know what he's going to
do before taking that Senate seat
tomorrow? He's going to Mount Vernon--
to get into the mood--a *warm up*!

Nosey swings around in a flash and pushes his face right in.

NOSEY
Who? Who? Your boss! A nut, huh? A
nut! Wow! There's a *story* in this
guy--! I smelled it!

SAUNDERS
(impatient)
Go away, Nosey.

NOSEY
Saunders--it's meat and drink--lemme
at 'im! Five minutes--! I'll make it
right with you!

DIZ
Will you go chase an ambulance!

SAUNDERS
Whadaya mean--*right*?

NOSEY
What do I *mean*, huh? Uh--*I'll*
tell ya--World's Series--a pass! In
a month it's worth fifteen bucks!

SAUNDERS
Well, well!

DIZ
(to Saunders)
Hey--you're not *talking* to this
guy!

NOSEY
Whadaya say?
DIZ
Nothin'! Beat it!

SAUNDERS
Look, Nosey--your pals would like to
get in on this, wouldn't they?

NOSEY
Hey--I wanna *scoop*!

SAUNDERS
Well, that's out. Either it's *lots*
of reporters and *lots* of tickets
or--. Now will you go and call 'em
before I change my mind about the
whole thing!

NOSEY
Okay. See you here.

He charges off. Saunders clambers down off the stool. Diz
grabs her arm.

DIZ
Kid--wait--what do you think you're
going to do?

SAUNDERS
Get my *whole* fall outfit--and quit
this job in style!

DIZ
Now, you've got more sense than to
put Nosey onto this guy--!

SAUNDERS
(thinking hard)
Wait--wait. Let's see--watchdog McGann--
he's bound to move right in--get him
out of the way first--
(Then)
Pardon me, friend--I've got some
telephoning to do--!
(And she rushes off)

The scene dissolves to a PHONE BOOTH, with SAUNDERS on the
phone.

SAUNDERS
(laying on a Southern
accent)
Mr. McGann?... This is Miss Lulu
Love.

In MCGANN'S ROOM, MCGANN is on the phone; behind him, his
suitcases are open.
MCGANN
Who?

In the PHONE BOOTH:

SAUNDERS
Oh, you don't know *me*, Mr. McGann--
but I've seen *you* in Washington
before--and I think you're awfully
cute. Mr. Griffith told me you got
in and maybe you were a little lonely--

In MCGANN'S ROOM:

MCGANN
(taking it big)
Did, huh? Well, now, he's not wrong
at all... Tonight? Sister, that's
just what the doctor ordered... Whoa,
wait a minute--

He looks off, and through a partly opened door leading into
Jeff's room. Jeff appears standing at the window with one of
his pigeons, while McGann is heard on the phone.

MCGANN'S VOICE
I'm not sure I can make that, Lulu.
Hold on a second, will you?
(He puts his hand
over the mouthpiece,
and calls out)
Say--Senator! How're you fixed--I
mean--uh--you're gonna stay in and
write to Ma and the boys, like you
said, huh?

In JEFF'S ROOM, JEFF is inserting a small roll of paper in a
little metal container on the pigeon's leg.

JEFFERSON
(without turning)
Uh-huh.

MCGANN'S VOICE
Not going out or anything?

JEFFERSON
No. Why?

In MCGANN'S ROOM:

MCGANN
(yelling to Jeff)
Atta boy. Right into bed for a nice
long sleep. Me, too.
(Then--softly, into
phone)
Okay, Toots! When and where?

In the PHONE BOOTH, Saunders is still speaking.

SAUNDERS
(into the phone)
Now isn't that nice! Let's say the
Mayflower lobby, Mr. McGann--in a
half hour... What I *look* like?
Well, I got red hair and--oh, that's
all right--I know what *you* look
like--you cute thing. Goodbye.
(She hangs up)

In MCGANN'S ROOM, McGann hangs up, tiptoes over quickly and
closes the door to Jeff's room, then makes a dash for his
coat.

MCGANN
Boy, oh, boy! Red Hair! McGann--you
fell into something!
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Saunders and Diz discuss their frustrations with Senator Smith's behavior and plot to get watchdog McGann out of the way. Meanwhile, Jeff tends to his pigeons and unwittingly becomes the subject of their scheming.
Strengths "The humorous tone keeps the scene entertaining and engaging. The dialogue is snappy and engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much action or significant plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 3

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I don't have the ability to critique scenes as I am an AI language model. However, I can provide some ideas and best practices that may help improve your screenwriting skills.

Firstly, the scene lacks a clear sense of place and timing. The mention of pigeons in the opening dialogue is not followed up in any real way, and the sudden cut to a bar with Saunders and Diz feels jarring. Consider setting up the restaurant bar scene more clearly, with establishing shots and scene descriptions that help the audience understand where they are and what’s happening.

Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit disjointed. There are a lot of abrupt changes in topic and tone, which can make it hard for the audience to follow what’s going on. Consider giving each character a clear motivation and objective, and make sure that their dialogue is focused on achieving that objective. This will help keep the scene on track and make it more engaging for the audience.

Finally, consider tightening up some of the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. For example, some of the lines feel a bit stilted and unnatural, like Saunders' remark about carrying bibs for an infant with little flags. Try to think about how real people would talk in these situations, and strive for a more naturalistic and conversational tone in your dialogue.

Overall, there’s a good core idea here, with Saunders trying to get McGann out of the way. But the execution of the scene could be improved with a clearer sense of place and timing, more focused dialogue, and more naturalistic writing.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. The transition between Susan's complaint about pigeons and the scene in the restaurant bar seems abrupt. It could benefit from a smoother transition or a more direct connection between the two scenes.

2. The dialogue between Saunders and Diz about the senator feels clunky and expository. It could be more natural and less heavy-handed in revealing information about the senator.

3. The exchange between Nosey and Saunders feels unnecessary and somewhat distracting. It could be cut or streamlined to make the scene more focused.

4. The fake phone call from Saunders to McGann seems a bit contrived. It could be replaced with a more organic way of getting McGann out of the way, or perhaps McGann could already be out of the room when Saunders and Diz arrive.

Overall, the scene could benefit from tighter pacing and more organic dialogue.



Scene 14 - Jeff Smith in the Spotlight
The scene dissolves to the HOTEL LOBBY at night, and MCGANN
is seen watching for his date, but in JEFFERSON'S BOARDING
HOUSE SITTING ROOM there is a startling tableau: Jeff is
standing in the center of this rather homely, anciently
appointed sitting room, surrounded by ten or a dozen newspaper
men, three or four of whom have cameras. A woman reporter is
present. Nosey is leading the circus as the main interrogator
and master of ceremonies. Cameras are flashing, while
Jefferson is posing, pleased and happy and proud.

VOICES
That's it. Right like that. Chin up
a little, Senator--please. Hold it!

Then the cameras relax and questions pop.

VOICES
Tell us about yourself, Senator!
Hear you got a Boy's Club back home!
Any ideas? Going to make things hum
in the Senate, huh?

JEFFERSON
(holding his hands
up, laughing)
Hold on, fellows--I'm not used to
more then one question at a time--

NOSEY
One moment, friends, let's give the
Senator a break.
(To Jeff)
Now, where'd you say you studied
law?
JEFFERSON
Well--I haven't needed much law so
far--what I'd like to get first is a
little common sense--

NOSEY
Swell!

REPORTER
What did he say?

NOSEY
(calling back)
You don't need law--you need *common*
sense!

Reporters make rapid notes.

REPORTER
What are you going to do while you're
here, Senator?

NOSEY
Any special ax to grind?

JEFFERSON
Ax?

NOSEY
A pet idea--you know--pension bill--
save the buffalo--you've got *one*
notion you think would be good for
this country, haven't you?

JEFFERSON
Well--I have got *one* idea--

VOICES
Ah! That's more like it! What?

JEFFERSON
Well--for a couple of years now--I--
I've thought it would be a wonderful
thing to have a National Boys' Camp
out in our State--

VOICES
A camp! Well!

JEFFERSON
You see--if we could take the poor
kids off the streets--out of cities--
a few months in the summer--learn
something about Nature and American
ideals--

NOSEY
Marvelous! And what would this camp
set the Government back?

JEFFERSON
Oh--nothing--nothing. My idea is--
for the Government to lend us the
money--and the boys'll pay it back--
sending in a penny or a nickel--no
more than a dime--no, gosh--the
Government's got enough on its hands
without--

NOSEY
Great!
(Calls back)
The Government's putting dough in
too many places *now*!

VOICES
(as they make notes)
You don't say! Well, well!

WOMAN REPORTER
What do you think of the girls in
our town, Senator?

JEFFERSON
Well--I haven't seen many--oh--well--
Miss Susan Paine--she's about the
prettiest girl I--I *ever* saw--

REPORTER
How about some more pictures, Senator?

NOSEY
Yeah! How about it? You're a nature
lover. Do you handle any of that
sign language?

JEFFERSON
Well--I can *manage*--

ANOTHER REPORTER
What about bird calls! Know any?

JEFFERSON
Well--a few--

VOICES
Swell! Well! Come right ahead! Let
'em fly, Senator!

As Jeff laughs, preparing to do his stuff--and as the cameras
are made ready--

The scene dissolves to the HOTEL LOBBY. McGann, looking at
his watch, is sore as a boil by this time. Glaring off, his
attention is arrested. He starts forward. At the SWINGING
DOOR, a cute little girl has just come through and stands.
McGann marches up to her.

MCGANN
Well! About time, toots! Redhead or
no readhead--keeping a guy waiting
two hours is no--
(Looking her over,
relaxing, and grabbing
her arm)
Good thing you're as cute as you
are, or I'd--

THE GIRL
(struggling)
Wally!

A big six-footer, with football shoulders, comes swinging
in. The girl leaps to his side. McGann at once realizes a
hideous mistake has been made somewhere--and it's too late.
Wally fixes him with a deadly stare and advances to do murder.
McGann starts backing away in alarm as the scene dissolves
amid a dash of music.

A NEWSPAPER FRONT PAGE come to view. It reveals a full-length
picture of Jeff, and then the caption:

SENATOR (RANGER) SMITH
Demands More Common Sense--
Less Law In Government

This dissolves to ANOTHER HEADLINE:

SMITH ATTACKS
GOVERNMENT SPENDING
No Money Left for Boy's Camp

In SAUNDER'S ROOM, Saunders is drinking her morning coffee--
looking at the morning papers. She nearly chokes as she stares
at the paper.

This scene dissolves to MCGANN'S ROOM, with McGann, half-
dressed, one eye bandaged, staring at a paper. A NEWS PICTURE
comes to view, showing Jeff kneeling over a little fire of
sticks. The caption reads:

MAKES CAMP FIRE--SHOWS HOW
HE'LL PUT THE HEAT ON CONGRESS

MCGANN, shirt-tails flying, tears for the door to Jeff's
room. It is empty.

MCGANN
Senator! Hey--ranger!
(Clapping a hand to
his forehead)
Gone again!
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff Smith is being interviewed by reporters about his Boy's Camp idea while unknowingly becoming a media sensation. Meanwhile, McGann mistakes a girl for his date and is almost beat up by her boyfriend.
Strengths "The scene is lighthearted and shows Jeff Smith's passion for his National Boys' Camp idea. The comedic subplot with McGann adds some levity."
Weaknesses "The scene does not significantly move the plot forward and the theme is not particularly deep or complex."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene appears to be well-written in terms of dialogue and character development. The scene effectively presents two different storylines happening concurrently. However, there are a few potential areas for improvement.

One potential issue is that the transition between the two storylines feels abrupt. It might be helpful to have a smoother transition, such as with a establishing shot of the hotel before focusing on the sitting room.

Another area for improvement is the use of camera directions in the script. While they may be useful for indicating the intended visual style of the scene, ultimately camera directions are the responsibility of the director and cinematographer, not the screenwriter. A better approach might be to focus on the dialogue and action of the characters instead of relying on camera directions.

Overall, this scene effectively reveals character and moves the plot forward, but could benefit from some minor revisions to improve its flow and clarity.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to make the transition between scenes smoother. Instead of abruptly dissolving from the press conference to McGann's waiting for his date in the hotel lobby, there could be a connecting shot or action that ties the two scenes together. For example, McGann could be seen watching the press conference on a TV in the lobby before getting up to look for his date.

Additionally, the dialogue in the press conference scene could be tightened and made more concise, as it feels somewhat repetitive and drawn-out. The reporters' questions and Jeff's responses could be condensed and made punchier to keep the audience engaged. Furthermore, adding more action or physical movement to the scene could help break up the static nature of the reporters standing around and asking questions.

Finally, the scene could benefit from having more clarity and focus on the emotional stakes of Jeff's political campaign and the impact it has on those around him. This could be achieved by intercutting McGann's reactions to the press conference with shots of Saunders and Jeff's other allies and opponents reacting to the coverage in the newspapers.



Scene 15 - Morning Briefing
The scene dissolves to a NEWSPAPER PICTURE of Jefferson
imitating a bird-call eyes bulging--while his two hands appear
to be gripping his nose as if warding off a bad odor. The
caption reads:

RANGER SENATOR GETS FIRST
"WHIFF" OF OFFICIAL WASHINGTON

In the DINING ROOM OF PAINE'S HOTEL APARTMENT, Paine and
Susan are at breakfast, Paine's eyes glued wildly to the
paper; Susan also holds a paper and laughs.

PAINE
His first 'whiff'!

SUSAN
Such pretty knees for a big boy!

PAINE
Do I actually *see* this--?

SUSAN
Listen, Father! "Young Lochinvar
smitten with Susan Paine"!

The scene dissolves to PAINE'S PRIVATE OFFICE as Saunders
enters and Paine rises from behind his desk.

SAUNDERS
(belligerently)
You want to see me, Senator?

PAINE
Yes. Good morning, Saunders.
(Picking up the
newspaper; genially)
Have you--uh--any idea how this
happened?

SAUNDERS
The ranger's notices? No idea at
all.

PAINE
(with good humor)
No?

SAUNDERS
No--I'm sorry. I merely saw him home.
I'm not supposed to tuck him in and
give him his bottle. That's McGann's
job.

PAINE
By the way, Mr. McGann just phoned--
in a high fever. Smith's gone again.
Have you any idea where?

SAUNDERS
Yes. He went to Mount Vernon to give
himself a patriotic address.

PAINE
(smiling)
Well--that's very fine.
(Then)
Saunders, some person in your office
says you've quit--

SAUNDERS
That's right.

PAINE
Oh, now--that won't do--

SAUNDERS
Look, Senator--I wasn't given a brain
just to tell a Boy Ranger what time
it is. What do you need me for? Get
somebody else--get a registered nurse--

PAINE
You're the best nurse I can think of--

SAUNDERS
Nice *compliment*!

PAINE
I meant it for one. I meant--Sam
Foley couldn't get along without you--
and neither can I at the moment--

SAUNDERS
No?

PAINE
You see--Governor Hopper made an
appointment in this case that--well,
Jeff isn't exactly fitted to the
work, let's say. He's here to see
monuments--and pass the time. That's
important to--to my work--and
everybody concerned. So, someone who
can be trusted has to occupy him and
keep him out of trouble--

SAUNDERS
And I'm an old hand at following
instructions--

PAINE
You're more than that. I've had
example of the fact that wild horses
couldn't pull confidential matter in
these two offices out of you. That's
why I tell you what I do--about Smith
and this situation. So, you see--

SAUNDERS
Yeah--I see I'm right where I've
been for seven years--

PAINE
You deserve a lot better. And I'll
tell you what we'll do. Stay and
play nurse, as you say--and if certain
things happen I'm taking everybody
up with me, and you'll get one of
the biggest jobs in Washington.

SAUNDERS
Yeah?
(A pause)
And what else?

PAINE
What do you mean?

SAUNDERS
Well, when I first came to Washington,
my eyes were big, blue question marks--
now they're big, green dollar marks--

PAINE
I see. All right. You finish this
job properly--and you get a handsome
bonus besides--

Saunder's face lights up with interest.

PAINE'S VOICE
And by *properly* I mean--stay away
with Smith every minute--keep him
away from anything that smacks of
politics--see that there's no
recurrence of things like these
newspapers--

The scene dissolves to the SENATE LOBBY, an elevator corridor
leading to the Senate chamber. A CLOCK shows 11:45. Then,
Saunders and Jefferson are seen as they emerge from the
elevator and start forward. People crowd the corridor--there
is surging activity--an air of excitement. Jeff, baffled,
looking around, suddenly looks ahead and stops dead.

JEFFERSON
Saunders! That's it! We're here!

In the SENATE CHAMBER, seen through the entrance doors, people
are seated in and entering galleries; Senators are walking,
standing in groups, talking; some are at their desks.

On the FLOOR OF THE SENATE CHAMBER, a Page is leading
Jefferson to his desk. Jeff is more agape now than before.
All around him are Senators--in groups or seated. Most of
them are at their desks now. The Page brings him a desk, on
a minority side and way at the rear. Heads turn to follow
Jeff curiously.

BOY
Here you are, Senator. Not a bad
desk, either. Daniel Webster used to
use it.

JEFFERSON
Daniel Webster? Sat here? Say--that
man was a great orator.

BOY
Give you something to shoot at,
Senator--if you figure on doing any
talking.

JEFFERSON
Not me, sonny. I'm just going to sit
around and listen.
(Picking up calendar)
What's this?

BOY
Calendar for the day. You'll find
the Senate Manual in the drawer.
Anything else you want, just snap
for a page.

JEFFERSON
Where's the Majority Leader?

BOY
The Majority Leader? Right over there.
And that's [ ] the Minority
Leader. They're both pretty good in
the clinches.

JEFFERSON
Uh-huh. And where's the Press Galery?

BOY
Right up there over the Vice-
President's chair--the four in the
front row represent the four big
news services. You've met the press
bunch, haven't you?
Genres: ["political drama","comedy"]

Summary Saunders and Paine discuss Jeff's behavior and Saunders agrees to watch over him. Jeff arrives at the Senate Chamber and is shown his desk by a page.
Strengths "The whimsical tone adds humor to the scene and makes the characters more likable. The dialogue is clever and natural. The scene sets up the situation for Jeff in the Senate nicely."
Weaknesses "The lack of conflict and stakes may make the scene less engaging. Jeff's naivete may become tiresome if overplayed. The scene does not significantly advance the plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear character motivations and dialogue that moves the story forward. However, there is room for improvement in terms of visual storytelling and pacing.

One issue is the use of newspaper pictures as a transition device. A visual cutaway to newspaper articles can be an effective way to reveal information, but in this scene, the transition doesn't add much. It's better to show the characters actively reading the newspapers and reacting to the news. This allows the audience to see how the news affects the characters and adds depth to their reactions.

Another issue is the lack of visual depth in the scene. The majority of the scene takes place in dialogue, with little description of the setting or character actions. Adding in more descriptive details, such as Paine fidgeting with his food or Saunders shifting his weight from foot to foot, can enhance the tension and dynamics of the conversation.

Finally, the pacing of the scene could be improved by breaking it up into smaller beats. The scene covers a lot of ground, including the discussion of Saunders' resignation, Jeff's first day in the Senate chamber, and the introduction of various characters. Breaking the scene up into smaller moments would allow each beat to be explored more fully and give the audience time to follow the action.
Suggestions Some potential suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Consider the pacing of the scene. There are a lot of different locations and actions happening in a relatively short amount of time. This can make it difficult for the audience to keep up and feel invested in what's happening. One solution could be to break this scene into multiple shorter scenes, each with its own focus and setting.

2. Develop the characters more fully. Saunders and Paine are in an interesting power dynamic, but their motives and personalities are not fully fleshed-out in this scene. Consider giving the audience more insight into their backstories and how they feel about the situations presented in this scene.

3. Use visuals to enhance the story. The scene opens with a newspaper picture of Jefferson, but the description of the image doesn't add much to the story. Consider using the visual medium of film to show something that can't be explained with dialogue, or to create a mood or tone that is difficult to convey with words alone.

4. Flesh out the dialogue. The dialogue in this scene feels functional, but not particularly memorable or engaging. Work to make each line feel like it has a purpose in advancing the story or developing the characters. Use subtext and nuance to add depth to the conversation.



Scene 16 - Jefferson Takes the Oath
JEFFERSON
Oh, yes--they're fine people--regular
people.

BOY
Look out for those fellows--they
tell the truth about you--sometimes.
That corner over there is reserved
for guides and sightseers who come
in for five minutes to rest their
feet. That section over there is
reserved for Senator's friends. The
front row--the empty one--is for the
President and White House guests--
see that old couple over there--
they've attended every session for
the last twenty years. Over the clock
back here is the Diplomatic section.
They and the page boys are the only
real class we have in this place.
The rest are mostly people who come
here like they go to the zoo--

JEFFERSON
Those busts up there--all around the
wall--who are they, sonny?

BOY
All the ex-vice-Presidents. You can
get ten-to-one around here if you
think you can remember their names.
The Vice-President presides over the
Senate--you know that. It's how he
earns his pay. Oh--over there, Senator--
on the east side of the Chair we
still have the old snuff boxes with
real snuff in them if you like snuff.

JEFFERSON
Thanks very much, sonny--

BOY
I'll take your hat into the cloak
room.

JEFFERSON
Here--let me give you a Boy Ranger
button.

BOY
Swell. Thanks very much.
(He takes Jeff's hand)
Good luck, Senator. Keep your left
up.

Jeff, looking up toward the Press Gallery, sees Saunders and
waves to her.

PAINE comes to Jeff.
PAINE
Hello, Jeff--sorry, I've been on a
committee all morning. Got your
credentials--when the Vice-President
calls you, you go down that center
aisle and I'll meet you there--he's
about ready to come in now, Jeff.
Good luck--

Paine pats Jeff's shoulder and moves away. Senators are
separating and making for their seats. Jeff excitedly sits
down again.

After a full view of the CHAMBER, showing people subsiding
into their seats all over the gallery, we see the gray, small
PRESIDENT of the Senate. He has a mild, humorful face.
Everything is in order in front of him as he looks out over
the body of the Senate and picks up the small ivory gavel-
head. His eyes look off intently at something. He raises his
gavel a the long hand of the CLOCK that comes to view jumps
to twelve o'clock exactly. Two gavel pounds are heard.

PRESIDENT
(pounding twice again)
The Senate will come to order!

The body is lulled, though a few members are walking to their
desks. Then the Senator occupying the desk traditionally
used by the majority leader (front and center and on the
right side of the aisle) rises.

MAJORITY LEADER
Mr. President.

PRESIDENT
Senator Agnew.

MAJORITY LEADER
I ask unanimous consent that the
reading of the journal of the previous
calendar day be dispensed with and
the journal stand approved.
(He sits)

PRESIDENT
(bored, mechanically)
Is there objection?
(A pause)
The journal stands approved.

JEFFERSON is seen in close view, his attention darting from
one point to the other.

SENATOR'S VOICE
Mr. President...
PRESIDENT'S VOICE
Senator Brownell.

SENATOR'S VOICE
I suggest the absence of a quorum.

PRESIDENT'S VOICE
The clerk will call the roll.

At the ROSTRUM, the Chief Clerk proceeds to call the roll
and Senator's voices answer to their names--"here" or
"present."

The Clerk is next seen passing up the roll sheet to the
President, who looks at it.

PRESIDENT
Eighty Senators have answered to
their names. A quorum is present.

Paine rises.

PAINE
Mr. President...

PRESIDENT
Senator Paine.

PAINE
I present the credentials of Honorable
Jefferson Smith who has just been
appointed Senator by the Governor of
my state.

A page takes the credentials from Paine's hand and takes
them to the desk.

PAINE
The Senator-designate is present--

JEFFERSON looks startled.

PAINE'S VOICE
...and I ask that the oath of office
be administered to him at this time.

The PRESIDENT is picking up what are evidently Jefferson's
credentials.

PRESIDENT
If the Senator-designate will present
himself at the desk, the oath will
be administered.

JEFFERSON, swallowing, frightened, is glued to his seat for
an instant. People in the Gallery and the Senate turn to
look for him; among them are Saunders and, in the Press
Section, Diz. A few of the Senators consult the newspapers
on their desks, significantly.

PAINE rises, motioning to Jefferson to get to his feet, and
JEFFERSON, on seeing him, gets up unsteadily. Paine starting
to the back, indicating that he is to follow him, Jefferson
advances to the rear of the center aisle where Paine is now
waiting for him. Then both of them start down the aisle toward
the Rostrum--while the people (including Saunders, the Press,
and groups of Senators) watch them advance, some of the
Senators appearing tight-lipped and disapproving. Aware of
the eyes on him, JEFFERSON, in the company of PAINE, arrives
at the lower level of the Rostrum, while the people of the
press rise to look over their desks at the ceremony. Then
Paine indicates to Jefferson to mount one more step to the
level just below the President's desk. But as Jefferson makes
the designated step up, and the President is about to rise,
a voice cracks out from somewhere out in the Chamber.
Genres: ["drama","political"]

Summary Jefferson Smith takes the oath of office, with Senators and the media looking on with disapproval.
Strengths "The scene shows the process of taking the oath of office in a serious and tense way. It also highlights the disapproval of Jefferson's fellow Senators and the media."
Weaknesses "There is a lack of character development and dialogue. The scene is mostly focused on the process of taking the oath."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets the stage for Jefferson's entrance into the Senate. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Jefferson and the boy feels a bit clunky and exposition-heavy. While it certainly establishes the setting and hierarchy of the Senate, it could benefit from a more natural and engaging tone.

Additionally, the actions and reactions of the Senators during the roll call and the arrival of Jefferson feel a bit vague and underdeveloped. It would be helpful to have more specific and descriptive details to truly convey the tension and disapproval that some of the Senators feel towards Jefferson.

Finally, the introduction of the mysterious voice at the end feels a bit abrupt and out of place. It may be more effective to build up the tension and foreshadowing leading up to this moment, rather than having it come out of nowhere.

Overall, while this scene could benefit from some tightening and polishing, it effectively sets the stage for the drama and conflict that will unfold in the rest of the story.
Suggestions Firstly, the dialogue in this scene could be tightened up and made more impactful. Some of the dialogue feels unnecessary and could be cut. For example, the exchange between Jefferson and the boy could be condensed to simply convey the necessary information about the seating arrangements in the Senate. Additionally, the dialogue between the President and the Majority Leader could be shortened to simply convey that there is a quorum present.

Secondly, there could be more visual description and action in the scene to add to the tension and build-up of the moment when Jefferson takes the oath of office. For example, the camera could pan to the faces of Senators who disapprove of Jefferson taking office, adding to the tension.

Thirdly, the moment when the voice cracks out could be made more impactful. The script does not convey who says the line or what they say, leaving the audience unsure of its meaning. Adding more detail to this moment will make it clearer and more impactful for the audience.



Scene 17 - Swearing In
SENATOR'S VOICE
Mr. President! I rise to a question
of order!

All turn to the Senator who has risen. Jefferson, standing
before the President, turns to look back.

PRESIDENT
The gentleman will state it.

SENATOR
(who is now seen in
close view)
I seek to ascertain, Mr. President,
if the gentleman about to be sworn
in is fully aware of the
responsibilities of his high office--
and that the members of this body
strive to conduct themselves at all
times--

We see JEFFERSON, his puzzlement deepening as he hears the
Senator.

SENATOR'S VOICE
--with dignity and sincerity.

The SENATOR is seen gesturing with a newspaper.

SENATOR
I refer to his astounding and
shameless performance for the
newspapers this morning.

PAINE is seen wincing (he knew this was coming) as he listens.

SENATOR'S VOICE
A *versatile* performance, I grant
you--

There are titters from all over the house. The PRESIDENT
brings the gavel down, and looks up at the gallery.

PRESIDENT
Order in the chamber.

SENATOR
(while the entire
chamber is visible)
--but one that brings his rank down
to the level of a side-show
entertainer--and reflects on the
sincerity, if not the *sanity*, of
the highest body of lawmakers in the
land!
(Waving the paper)
I seek to learn if this is the
gentleman's conception of the nature
of his office!

JEFF turns impulsively to the PRESIDENT.

JEFFERSON
I don't understand, sir! I don't
know what the gentleman--

PRESIDENT
(banging gavel)
The Senator has no voice in this
chamber until the oath of office has
been administered!

PAINE
Mr. President! I will answer the
gentleman! My colleague was innocent
in the matter referred to. He was
completely misquoted. I *know*
Jefferson Smith--and I will *vouch*
for it--he has the greatest possible
respect for his office and for these
gentlemen.

A SENATOR'S VOICE
Mr. President!

PRESIDENT
(eyes on Jefferson
with sympathy; bangs
gavel)
The swearing in of the Senator-
designate is the order of business!
(He rises. The chamber
is in full view)
The gentleman will raise his right
hand and repeat after me the following
oath--

Jefferson does as bid. The President recites the oath, and
Jefferson repeats after him:

PRESIDENT
"I do solemnly swear--that I will
support and defend the Constitution
of the United States--against all
enemies, foreign and domestic--that
I will bear true faith and allegiance
to the same--that I take this
obligation freely--without and mental
reservation and purpose of evasion--
and that I will well and faithfully
discharge the duties of the office
on which I am about to enter. So
help me God."

JEFFERSON
(finishing)
"So help me God."

PRESIDENT
Senator, you can talk all you want
to, now.

The President shakes hands with Jefferson. Paine shakes his
hand, then, guides him down one step to the clerk where
Jefferson, dazed, understands that he is to sign the register.
Then Jefferson and Paine start back up the center aisle, all
eyes following them, and ripples of laughter breaking out
from all over the Chamber.

JEFFERSON is seen making his way back up the aisle. Suddenly
he snatches up a paper from a desk he passes, and his eyes
fasten on the headlines. He continues to walk, reading--his
jaw muscles tightening--then he looks up into the Press
gallery.

The scene now dissolves to a MONTAGE, first the headlines
appearing over Jeff's incredulous expression as he reads. He
starts walking--hands clenched, murder in his eye--he meets
a reporter of the night before, grabs him, socks him and
marches on. He meets another one in a different place--socko
again! Finally he smacks Nosey--and marches on--. Next we
see a pair of DOORS, on which is printed "Press Club," and
when these doors are pushed aside violently the PRESS CLUB
BAR is visible as Jeff stands glaring. Newspaper men are at
the bar and at tables ranged along the wall. Conversation--
smoke. Sweeney, Farrell, Flood, Summers and Diz are there--
and Nosey.

NOSEY appears with Diz and Sweeney, at one of the tables.

NOSEY
He's on a rampage. The streets aren't
safe. I came up here to--
(Looking toward door
suddenly)
Oh-oh. Tarzan!

Heads turn in that direction, as Jeff starts toward Nosey.
When he gets within five steps, he suddenly lunges forward
and grabs him. He draws his right hand back to hit--the boys
leap in--and a free-for-all is on. Chairs and tables go over.
Finally, Jeff is swarmed under--down on his back on the long
seat against the wall while Nosey is under a table.

VOICES
Whoa, now...
Wait a minute...
Take it easy, Senator...
We don't go in for slugging around
here...
If you can behave yourself now...

Jeff stop struggling.

NOSEY
(from under a table)
Meet Senator Smith, boys.

They pile off Jeff--who sits up slowly, looking the worse
for wear. His pugnacity is gone, and he is calm, hurt and
bitter.

SWEENEY
You act like a man with something on
your mind--

FLOOD
What's the idea--charging in like
that on the gentlemen of the Press--
?
Genres: ["drama","political"]

Summary Jefferson Smith takes the oath of office, but a Senator attempts to discredit him in front of everyone. After some support from Paine, Jefferson is sworn in successfully. A montage then shows Jefferson becoming violent towards reporters after seeing an unfavorable headline.
Strengths "The tension i