Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here
|Dialogue||8.0||72||Silence of the lambs: 7.9||Inception: 8.0|
|Characters||8.2||51||Mr Robot: 8.1||heathers : 8.2|
|Conflict Level||6.7||19||Mind Hunter: 6.6||get out: 6.7|
|Emotional Impact||6.2||7||Community: 5.9||There's something about Mary: 6.2|
|Plot||7.3||6||Boyz n the hood: 7.2||Good Will Hunting: 7.3|
|Concept||7.2||5||The sweet hereafter: 7.1||some like it hot: 7.2|
|Overall||7.7||2||the Shining: 7.6||There's something about Mary: 7.7|
|Story Content||Character Development||Scene Elements||Audience Engagement|
|Scene Number||Full Analysis||Tone||Overall Grade||Concept||Plot||Characters||Character Changes||Conflict||High stakes||Story forward||Emotional Impact||Dialogue|
|1||High School Prom Invitation||7||7||6||7||0||8||0||0||6||7|
|3||Prom Night Jitters||7||6||7||8||0||8||0||0||4||7|
|4||Ted Gets Stuck||7||8||7||7||0||8||0||0||7||6|
|5||Ted gets stuck in the bathroom||7||6||7||7||0||8||0||0||5||8|
|7||Therapy Session and Driving Range||8||7||8||9||0||7||0||0||6||8|
|8||The Search for Mary||8||7||7||8||0||4||0||0||5||8|
|9||Ted Hires Healy to Find Mary||9||8||9||9||0||7||0||0||6||8|
|10||Sully Goes Sober||8||8||7||9||0||4||0||0||6||9|
|11||Mary and Magda||8||7||7||9||0||3||0||0||4||8|
|12||Mary's Ideal Man?||8||7||7||8||0||4||0||0||5||9|
|13||Stakeout and Surveillance||8||7||8||8||0||5||0||0||4||8|
|14||The Reunion That Wasn't||7||6||7||8||0||7||0||0||5||8|
|15||Ted Gets Disillusioned About Mary||7||6||7||8||0||6||0||0||6||8|
|16||Healy and Mary Meet Cute||7||6||6||8||0||2||0||0||4||8|
|17||Healy and Mary's Driving Range Encounter||7||6||6||9||0||4||0||0||5||8|
|19||Healy's Misadventures with Puffy||8||8||7||9||0||9||0||0||7||8|
|22||A Playful Evening||6.5||6||6||7||0||3||0||0||4||7|
|23||Interrogation and Office Visit||8.5||9||7||9||0||7||0||0||6||8|
|24||Ted's Misadventures, Healy's Deception, and Mary's Suspicions||8||7||8||8||0||6||0||0||5||8|
|25||Healy's Lies Revealed and Mary's Embarrassment||8||8||6||9||0||6||0||0||7||10|
|26||Healy and Mary's Romance Montage||7||6||6||7||0||3||0||0||5||8|
|29||The Truth Comes Out||8||7||8||9||0||9||0||0||10||10|
|30||The Date Night Dilemma||7||8||7||7||0||7||0||0||6||8|
|31||Ted's Date with Mary and Healy's Confrontation||8||7||8||9||0||9||0||0||7||8|
|32||Truth Comes Out||8||9||8||8||0||10||0||0||8||7|
|33||Corn Dogs and Doggie Treats||7.5||7||7||8||0||5||0||0||6||8|
|34||Puffy Attack and Falling in Love||8||7||8||8||0||7||0||0||7||7|
|36||Betrayals and Pet Dilemmas||9||8||9||9||0||10||0||0||9||9|
|37||Confrontation and Confession||8.6||9||9||9||0||10||0||0||9||9|
|38||Confrontations and Revelations||9||8||9||10||0||11||0||0||11||9|
|39||Love Triumphs in the Face of Adversity||8||9||7||8||0||9||0||0||8||8|
Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
(FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY)
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
OCTOBER 21, 1997
EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
When I was sixteen years old I fell in
CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.
She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.
So what's up?
So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to go to the prom you know, with
Renise looks unenthused.
It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
this guy I like was gonna ask me.
Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
happens there...But that sounds great,
Ted nods, confused.
So is that a yes or a no?
I think I was very clear, Ted. If
everything else falls apart, maybe.
Renise throws down her butt and storms off.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
better life if you could only know her.
As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.
Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.
Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
know, not my style.
You have a style?
Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?
Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.
Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
spend enough fucking time with her.
The guys LAUGH.
(out of ammo but doesn't
Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
His friends stare at him.
Clever. I like the way you just spun that
around on me.
Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.
I wonder who she's going with.
Some guy named Woogie.
Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.
This irks Ted.
Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
and basketball and valedictorian of his
I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
but he's going to Europe first to model.
This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.
Yeah and he's got a huge cock.
Everyone looks at him.
FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.
Hey, check it out.
THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.
You seen my baseball?
CAR HOOD KID #2
The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.
You seen my baseball?
ON CAR HOOD KIDS
CAR HOOD KID #1
(to his buddies)
This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
(to Ear-Muff Guy)
Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
your ball is.
The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.
You seen my baseball?
CAR HOOD KID #1
Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.
CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
has another name for it...
ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
You seen my pecker?
You seen my pecker?
The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.
You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!
The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.
Take it easy, Smokey.
This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!
All right, just be cool.
He looks like he's not all there, you know
what I mean?
A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.
Get the fuck out of my way, man!
Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.
What's going on here?
She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.
Are you all right?
Mary, you seen my baseball?
No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
Warren, you know you're not supposed to
leave the yard by yourself.
You know him?
He's my brother.
I didn't realize he was...you know...
At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.
Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.
HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
Oh yeah. Fine.
Thanks a lot, Ted.
CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
my best friends didn't know my name.
Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.
Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
No, it's an old football injury.
Oh, are you on the team?
No, a couple of the players and me were
joking around and, uh, I fell off the
Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.
Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.
Warren pats his back again.
I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.
Oh he can hold you. He weighs
A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?
Ted hops onto Warren's back.
Warren walks about five feet and stops.
My turn now.
Off Ted's reaction, we
EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY
Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.
We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?
Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
So who you taking to the prom?
The prom--you going?
Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
if you weren't already taking someone.
I mean dumb in the sense that they only
happen once a year.
She smiles at this.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
From that moment on the guys at school
looked at me in a whole new light.
CLOSE ON FRIEND #1
You're a fucking liar!
EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.
You expect us to believe you're going to
the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?
They broke up. She said he started getting
weird on her.
I got twenty bucks says you're full of
Oh come on, why would I lie?
Because you're a loser, and in some warped
way this gives you a momentary sense of
Put me down for fifty.
As the others join in, we
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT
Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.
Yeah? What do you want?
Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
Mary to the prom.
Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
just left for the prom with her boyfriend
Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
joke a minute.
Oh, that's a good one.
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.
Warren doesn't look his way.
Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
barrels from the Wisenheimer here.
Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?
Mary's Dad shrugs.
Warren, did you say hi to Ted?
(not looking up)
'Bout ten times.
Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
This finally gets Warren's attention.
You seen my baseball?
We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.
Well, if it's a big white one with red
stitching, I think I saw it right behind
your ear ..
Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.
Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.
ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.
BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
What the hell are you doing?!
Teddy, let him go!
(out of breath)
I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.
The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.
MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
What baseball? Where's a baseball?
Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.
There was a ball I had a honest.
As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
MARY (to Ted)
I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
thing about his ears.
Oh. Okay. I gotcha.
Are you all right?
Honey, now you're all wrinkled.
Mary looks down and frowns.
Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
I have to iron this thing.
Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.
Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.
(to Mary's Dad)
May I use your bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT
Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.
TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.
...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...
...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.
...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and
TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT
A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
Ted, are you okay?
Just a minute.
He's been in there over half an hour.
Charlie, I think he's masturbating.
Well he was watching you undress with a
silly grin on his face.
I was watching the birds!
They all look at one another.
Charlie, do something.
All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.
A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.
MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
What seems to be the situation here? You
shit yourself or something?
Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.
I, uh...I got it stuck.
You got what stuck?
Oh it. All right, these things happen,
let me have a look. It's not the end of the
Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...
MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!
What?! No please, sir--
She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.
Teddy, hon, are you okay?
(moving closer, seeing the situation)
OH HEAVENS TO PETE!
Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.
Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
are we looking at here?
What do you mean?
I mean is it...is it...?
Is it the frank or the beans?
I think a little of both.
Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:
Franks and beans!
Ted hangs his head.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.
MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
What the hell's that bubble?
Mary REACTS to this.
How the hell'd you get the beans all the
way up top like that?
I don't know. It's not like it was a well
Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
was about, pumpkin.
I'm going to get some Bactine.
Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.
Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
heard a lady scream.
You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
look at this beauty.
No, that's really unneces--
But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.
Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
I wasn't trying--
Is that bubble what I think it is?
Mary's parents nod.
POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
the way to the top?
Let's just say the kid's limber.
The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
shirttail out and work on it in the
Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.
The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.
No, no, please!
Teddy, be brave.
Beans and franks!
Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.
It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
A-one and a-two and...
We got a bleeder!
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.
Keep pressure on it!
Mary does as she's told.
Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.
INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS
The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we
Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.
...Anyway, school ended a few days later
and that July her father got transferred to
The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.
It took me half the summer to pay off all
I never did see Mary again. That was about
twelve years ago.
Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.
Anyway, it's not something you exactly
forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
it out of my head. Then about a week ago
I'm driving on the highway and I got to
thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
of traffic anymore I felt like I was
going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
parked the car, and just started shaking.
The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.
You know...rest areas are homosexual
Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
of the nineties for some gay men.
Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.
What are you saying?
Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
that next week.
Off Ted's look, we
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY
Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.
Gay? He said you were gay?
He implied it.
Well you're a writer, and a lot of
writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.
Yeah, but he was successful.
Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?
Ted appears to think about this.
Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.
I'm going to fix you up with my new
What's he like?
Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.
You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
You're going to like this one--she's half
Asian, half American.
I just told you, she's half Asian. half
American. They're all good looking. You
could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
a foolproof combo.
Ted thinks about it.
What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
in a slump.
Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
when your kidneys failed? If you were a
loser would they have been able to find a
donor with an exact tissue match? What are
the odds of that, one in a million?
Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
killed in an explosion?
I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
those kids found his kidneys.
Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
shit about you.
Ted gives him a look.
You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.
Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.
I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
(flips phone open)
You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.
Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.
DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.
I thought you guys might like these with
She goes back inside.
See, that's what I want. I don't need these
bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
you have. A family....Someone to...you
These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
It must be great with a wife like that.
Each day is better than the next.
Have you ever been, you know...in love with
Well once. Mary.
Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
Whatever happened to Mary?
I told you, her family moved to Miami.
I mean since then.
I don't know.
Well why don't you look her up?
Because I guarantee she's married and has a
couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
What if you're wrong? You just said she's
the only girl you ever loved, what have you
got to lose by calling her?
I did try calling her.
A few years ago. She wasn't listed.
So that was it? One bump in the road and
you gave up?
I also called Unsolved Mysteries.
You're kidding? What did they say?
They told me they don't help out stalkers.
Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
out there, he follows her around a couple
days, she'll never know a thing.
Ted considers this.
No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.
Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.
Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
my office who might be able to help you
out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
to Miami every couple weeks.
As Ted thinks about this, we
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING
Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.
I don't know about this, Dom.
Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
office; some bullshit about padding his
resume--like we haven't all done that.
Anyway, they were going to let him go but
his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
ended up on my desk.
Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
something--so I went out on a limb and got
him transferred down to Providence.
And you think he could find out her number
He'll do better than that. I'll send him
down to Miami on business, you throw him a
couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
Ted thinks about this.
Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
little hot, but he gets the job done.
Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
lady-friend you knew in high school.
Any idea where I might start looking?
She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
I checked directory assistance down there
and she's not listed. She might've moved
ten times since then.
All you want is a phone number?
Well, I know you're busy
Don't play games with me, Ted.
I don't know, maybe you could poke around
for a half day and see if she has five kids
and a Labrador.
I don't buy it.
You don't buy what?
Suddenly Healy is in his face.
Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
Did you knock this skirt up?
She's blackmailing you, right?
You want her dead, don't you?
You can't be serious.
Do you really expect me to believe this is
a straight stalker case?
I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.
Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
number and you haven't heard squat from her
in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
You're a real piece of work.
Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
I get one hundred a day plus expenses.
(LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
You get fifty a day, period. It's a
business trip, they'll pay for your
Healy thinks about it.
Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach
EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY
Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.
Healy you dog!
(checking out car)
Fucking Sully! Look at you!
You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY
The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
Here's the info you asked for.
You should thank me--that girl was not easy
to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
down his high school girlfriend.
This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.
I'm doing okay.
I gotta get ready for work.
Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.
Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
Looks like you really cleaned up your act.
What can I tell you? It's a healthier
lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
I worked with back in Boston, they were a
Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
grab a couple drinks.
Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.
Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?
Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.
Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.
Take it easy, that's Bill.
Tell Bill to get the fuck off!
Relax, he just ate.
Healy just stares at his friend.
Nineteen months I been sober.
What are you talking about? You were never
an alky, you were a cokehead.
Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
quit the booze, too.
Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
proud of you.
Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.
Here, just have one of these then.
Healy, what I just tell you?
This is a light beer. You can't have a
No I can't.
Healy stares at him, baffled.
Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
(holds up beer)
Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.
Sully stares at the beer, weakening.
I'm worried about you, man. You better
learn to have a pop once in a while or
you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.
Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
me...you're gonna break.
Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
even taste good to me anymore.
Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN
Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.
Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET
Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.
CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:
Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.
Have you been up all night again?
Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
Neighborhood Watch is.
Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
listening in on stranger's phone
These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
This only picks up signals in a half-mile
Meaning these are the people you live
amongst, you got a right to know if they're
creeps. For instance, did you know there's
a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?
You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
something was up because Puffy used to bark
like hell whenever he saw him and you know
Puffy only barks at bad people.
Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.
Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.
That's because there's a lot of bad people
out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
for yourself, didn't you?
Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.
MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.
EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING
Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING
Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.
ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.
Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.
EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING
Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.
PAN TO Healy watching from his car.
Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
or we've got a hurler on our hands.
EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING
Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.
Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.
Get in line. One at a time.
A fat patient, GARY, approaches.
Can I have two, Mary?
Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.
Will you marry me, Mary?
Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.
Would you marry us both, Mary?
Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
looked just like you here a minute ago.
Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.
CLOSE ON Healy.
Ixnay on the big appetite.
She's just got a big heart.
Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'
What does this girl want, a corpse? You
gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
with three pound cock and trust fund.'
No, it should be 'a hockey player with
Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?
BACK ON Mary and friends.
I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
You can have those pretty boys who hang out
in a gym all day staring at their
(quietly into mic)
A girl after your own heart, Ted.
BACK ON Mary and friends.
I can live with those reflections.
I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
and playing thirty-six holes and still has
enough energy to take me and Warren out to
Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
to find a guy like that.
But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
about has got to be self-employed.
You mean, like an architect or something?
BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.
No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
talking about. See, this guy has to have a
job he could do anywhere. That way we could
just up and leave at the drop of a hat.
And where would you and your beer-bellied
architect be leaving to?
I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
halfway to Katmandu.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're too hard on guys.
No I'm not.
Oh come off it, Mare. What about
what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
at least passed the baton on that one.
The girls LAUGH.
Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
All right for awhile? The guy's
good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.
At one point you were talking about
marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?
Mary thinks about this.
I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.
Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
said you were putting her up for a
month--it's been a year and a half.
Ah, she's okay.
Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.
I don't want someone who'll put up with
him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
way I do. Do you know what he told my
friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
in my life.
Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.
Everyone is touched by this. Then:
Well, that's the last time I blow him
behind your back.
As the girls LAUGH, we
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.
Sully, that you?
Who the fuck is it to you?
Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.
(into phone, sloshed)
Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
don't stink. Well I got news for
you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
hell are ya?!
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy looks at the phone, concerned.
Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
I'm still staking out this girl's
You found my car?!
Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
You watch out for yourself, Herb.
As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we
HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.
Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
cop's staking out this broad's apartment.
No time, Magda, my show's starting.
BACK ON HEALY...
... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.
This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
partner's all lubed up.
(quietly into phone)
Call you back.
God, I miss ya, ya fuck-
Healy hangs up abruptly.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.
Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.
ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.
Fucking Barney...he never learns...
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.
BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.
Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.
ON HEALY - he cringes.
Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.
ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.
ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.
Oh sweet Jesus
Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
I've got some very, very good news for you,
Healy sits down and motions for a beer.
I think your life's about to change.
So you found Mary?
Right there in Liberty City. And you were
right, she's really something.
So she hasn't changed?
That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
something: Was she a little big-boned
in high school?
No, not at all.
Well she must've packed on a few pounds
over the years.
This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.
Mary's a little chubby, huh?
I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
Ted's smile starts to fade.
But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
you're going to put on a few pounds.
So she's married?
Nope. Never been.
Four kids, three different guys.
Three different guys?
Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
whites, and a midget.
Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.
She's in a wheelchair?!
Ted looks completely drained.
Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
last twelve years, haven't you?
It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
Anyway, the good news is I have all the
information you need. Got it from her
bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
to get those rugrats off welfare and with
your help I'll bet she does it.
Ted stands and starts moping away.
Thanks, Healy. Good work.
Ted? Don't you want the name of the
Uh, that's okay.
You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
hear from you before her mastectomy!
As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, I resigned.
Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.
Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
for me. I'm going to go down and try my
hand at jai alai.
Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
home in the fronton.
Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.
Look, uh, I've been thinking about
everything you told me.
Well I think you're right, I should look
Rollerpig? Are you nuts?
But you said she was a sparkplug...?
I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.
They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.
All the same, I still want to call her. I
know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
maybe I can help her out.
The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
wheelchair for Godsakes.
It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.
Oh. I thought
That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
make any sense to you, but I just can't
turn it off that fast. I still feel
something for her.
Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.
Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
for you just as soon as she gets back from
Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
they go that way, too.
Ted is devastated.
Mary's a mail-order bride?
Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
pound there. Sort of like tuna.
Off Ted's look, we
EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY
Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.
That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
procrastinate about anything again. Life is
too fucking short.
Hey, look on the bright side--
What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?
Well...at least now you know.
I think it was better when I didn't. It was
kind of inspiring to know there was someone
so pure in the world.
As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.
What's so funny?
I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
out that getting your dick stuck in your
zipper was the best thing that ever
happened to you!
Ted flinches at this.
Wait a second, I never told you that.
Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.
Ted thinks it over.
Maybe you're right. I should look on the
bright side. I mean, I've still got my
I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
What? On your day off? Do you even know
Never met him.
Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.
Amen to that.
Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S
Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.
Hit a house! Bite bite!
Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.
Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
Hey, can you give me some tips here?
She cracks her shot long and straight.
Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.
Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.
I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?
Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.
Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.
Nepal? Have you been?
Not in months. I don't even know why I
bought the damn place.
You own a home there?
Well...it's just a condo really. Right
Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
you can't see the tops?
Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
from the summit. That's been my experience
She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.
You know, I should just get going. I'll
work on my game next week.
He flips her a coin.
Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.
Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?
(CALLS after him)
It was nice meeting you!
Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.
Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...
Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
Well, it was nice meeting you, again.
Same here again.
By the way, what's your name?
There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
Don't you want to know my name?
I already know it, Mary.
How'd you know that?
It's right there on your golf bag.
Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.
What are you doing with all these
Some buildings I'm working on.
Are you...an architect?
Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.
Mary stares at him, mouth agape.
I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
me an architect--it's just a job really, a
way to keep me moving. My real passion is
I work with retards.
I beg your pardon?
(flaps lips with fingers)
...the guys who ride the short bus.
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
who I can and can't work with.
No, I mean
--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
of his cage once and--
--He's in a cage?!
Well it's more of an enclosure really.
They keep him confined? That's bullshit!
That's what I said, so I went out and got
him a leash you know, one of those
clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
got plenty of room out there to dig. The
kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
to ball games, movies--you know, happy
That sounds like fun.
Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
Those goofy bastards are just about the
best thing I have in this crazy old world.
Ooh, hey, I gotta run.
(won back over)
Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
have dinner sometime.
Healy smiles at this and we
EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.
A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
scratch that thing, huh?
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
You heard me. You already put a fucking
nick in my piano.
I'll try to be more careful.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
S'matter with you? You look like you're
The thing's kind of heavy.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
what heavy feels like, you insensitive
No, I just meant...
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
cup of coffee.
The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.
ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
Do you know that you're parked in a
Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.
So...I see you made the news.
(angry and embarrassed)
It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
in a wheelchair.
Uh-huh. Where was he?
Out getting coffee.
Yeah, that's more or less what the others
said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
meet him here...picking up my grandma...
Ted turns and GLARES at him.
DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
I'm just saying...They sure made you look
Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.
Bob, do you remember Mary?
From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
about six months ago at a convention in Las
Ted sits up.
A convention? How'd you see her at a
I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.
DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
What a babe...
Ted sits up on his elbows.
INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
Mary's a babe!
My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
little gambling problem, she plays the
football cards a bit too much, but she's a
babe, a surgeon babe!
Huh? But why did Healy?
Well think about it.
Ted folds his arms.
No You mean...?
The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
That sneaky prick was probably practicing
his jai alai.
Dom shakes his head. Then:
Well then you've got to call her, man.
Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
So who's the lucky guy?
Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
He's no Steve Young.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69
Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.
What's he like?
I don't know. He's kind of a mook.
What's a mook?
You know, a mookalone, a schlep.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Then why you going out with him if he's a
Come on, Magda
It's like that movie Harold and Maude.
I don't watch the new ones.
This one's almost thirty years old. It's
about a young kid and an old lady who fall
That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
an old lady go for a young kid?
Mary smiles at this.
The point is, love isn't about money or
social standing or age, it's about
connecting with someone, having things in
common kindred spirits.
Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
here's gonna tell you all you need to know
about this guy in about two seconds flat.
If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
As Healy thinks about this, we
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Healy enters the building.
Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.
Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.
Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
rubbed, doesn't he now?
Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
doesn't usually like guys.
You mean he doesn't like bad guys.
He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
Truth is I usually get along better with
animals than with people. In Nepal the
villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
means 'man who is loved by many animals...
...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'
Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.
Would you like a glass of tea or something?
You got a brew?
(noticing Magda's trance)
Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
cheese and crackers...?
Oh, yeah, of course, dear.
The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.
Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?
He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.
Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?
Love a little bundt cake if you have some!
INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME
Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.
Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
find some cookies.
As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...
INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME
A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....
(quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
Come on, man, stay away from the light!
Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.
Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.
ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.
ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.
With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!
All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
that sound, honey?
Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.
Here you go.
What's that smell?
Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we
EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT
Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.
The museum? I thought we were going out to
We will, but first I have a surprise.
The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
is going to be here. He's an architect,
too. You guys will have tons to talk about.
CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.
Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.
I know he's around here someplace.
What say we get outta here and go crush a
We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
this stuff great?
Mary points to an architectural model.
Is this one art deco or art nouveau?
Would you call that a portico or a
When you look at architecture, try not to
concern yourself with the pieces--look at
the building in its totalitarianism.
Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.
Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.
Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.
Come on, like you mean it.
Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:
Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
Healy and Tucker shake hands.
Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.
Pat's an architect, too.
Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?
Mainly I work out of Boston.
Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.
Did you study under Kim Greene?
Kim and I are close friends!
Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.
You mean him.
Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
Really? But he's been married for twenty
years--they've got six kids.
Nice smokescreen, isn't it?
Tucker can hardly believe his ears.
Pat does projects all over the world.
Where would I have seen your work?
Have you been to
Let's see--Santiago, Chile?
Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
Which building is yours?
Do you know the...soccer stadium?
Did you build the Estadio Olympico?
No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.
You know, I really should take your card.
Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
My name's Mel.
Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
just like Jim Dubois?
Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.
A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.
Thanks for picking me up.
No prob, I could use the company. I've been
on the road going on fifteen hours
I know how you feel--I been standing in the
same spot for the last five hours. You know
it's against the law to pick up a
hitchhiker in this state.
That must make it tough.
Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
salesman or something?
Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.
Oh. Well I am.
A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
company--video sales--just as soon as I get
enough seed money.
'That right? Good for you.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
Two million copies it sold last year. Two
million, man. But not next year--my idea's
gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
I see where you're going.
Think about it. You walk into a video
store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
right next to it you see Seven-Minute
Abs--which one you gonna spring for?
I'd go with the seven.
Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
get every bit as good a work-out.
How do you guarantee that?
Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
happy we'll send you the extra minute.'
Huh. That sounds great.
Unless someone else comes out with
Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.
I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.
EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT
The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.
ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.
Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing
TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
THIS IS A RAID!
ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
(deer caught in headlights)
Wait a second, it's not what you think.
A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.
PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!
Ted glares at him.
No! I was pissing!
Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we
PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.
Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.
CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible.
Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.
Oh my God. Is that...?
Told you he was gay.
BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.
I was taking a leak!
T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We'll be right back with more of our
special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.
That grandmother of yours--she's really
Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
she rents the apartment right next to mine.
Her husband passed away a couple years ago
so she doesn't like to be alone.
And it doesn't cramp your style?
Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.
Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
around on the rug all day--just makes for a
lot of lint. Look at this...
Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.
See? That's just one day.
Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.
You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
bounce around for awhile, do a little
Why bounce when you have your own condo in
Nepal to go to?
It's clear Healy forgot about that one.
Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
place, quit the architect game, slow things
down, read more books, see more movies...
You're a movie buff?
Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
best they've got to offer I say thanks but
Have you seen it?
No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
A fucking moron.
Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
like they used to. You know, something like
The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
Mary can't believe her ears.
Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
it's corny, but I do love it.
Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
--Love story of our time.
Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?
Wow. I thought I was the only one.
They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?
Well, I'll see ya.
Healy turns to go but stops.
Mary ah, forget it.
No, forget it, it was stupid.
Come on, what were you going to say?
Nah, really, it was moronic.
She grabs him by the shirt playfully.
Just say it.
Healy takes a deep breath.
Could I feel your bosoms before I go?
Mary just stares at him.
Knock yourself out.
Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:
Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?
She smiles and as Healy walks away we
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.
PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.
Man, they never look like you'd expect.
That's probably how he got the victim to
drop his guard.
Where'd they find the body?
In a big red bag on the front passenger
seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
real psycho, this one.
The Detectives ENTER the room.
Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.
I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
thing I know I tripped over something--well
someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
The problem is we found your friend in
As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.
Oh. The hitchhiker.
That's what this is all about.
Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.
Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
So you admit it?
Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
with you. I could give you a song and dance
but what's the point? I did it and we all
The hitcher himself told me it's
illegal The irony.
The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Jeez, I didn't catch it.
The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.
So he was a stranger? It was totally
He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
trouble am I in?
The Detectives look at one another.
First tell us why you did it.
Why I did it?
I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
doing the guy a favor.
The Detectives look at each other.
This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
How many we talking?
Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
hundred maybe--Who keeps track?
Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.
You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!
EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
in your office to see you.
Mary nods and heads toward her office.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)
What's up, Doc?
Tucker, you look different some how. Did
you do something with your hair?
MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.
The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.
ON MARY - smiles.
Oh yeah, they look great.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.
You don't think they're too big?
No no, the bigger the better.
But I must say, they could be a little
brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
of pearly whites.
Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.
You ever been laid in this office?
Mary pushes past him.
Behave yourself, Tucker.
Come on, what are you doing here?
She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.
I wanted to talk to you about your friend
EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Healy almost flies out of his seat.
He's a nice guy, isn't he?
Well that's what I'm trying to figure
out. How long have you known him?
Tucker has a look of concern.
Not long at all, but I really like him.
(off Tucker's look)
Okay, I know he's a little different,
Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
politically correct and he probably farts,
too. And that's okay with me.
That's what you've been looking for--a
I've been looking for a guy--not one of
these South Beach pussies.
Look, it's just that something about him
struck me as odd last night. He gave me
this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
friends back east. They don't know of any
architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
listed as a Harvard alumnus.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
you should be careful with this guy.
No no no, Tucker, thank you.
I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
beautiful, you've got money, you trust
people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
psychos out there.
I appreciate you looking out for me.
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.
On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
enforcement community, I would like to
offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
or temporary inconvenience we may have
caused you, Mr. Peloquin.
REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.
INT. PRISON HALLWAY
The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.
At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
apprehended not far from where you were
arrested. He was identified as an escaped
mental patient and subsequently confessed
to the murder that you were being held for.
Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
So...I'm free to go?
Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.
No harm, no foul?
Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
By the way, there's somebody here to see
INT. TED'S CAR - DAY
Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.
You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
about to cut your throat when you stopped
to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
up your ass, man.
Yeah feels like it.
Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.
How the hell did you get here anyway?
Told my wife I was going to a Promise
Ted gives him a look.
I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
some bad news for you.
Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
know where to mail his last paycheck so I
sent my assistant by his mother's
apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
And this adversely affects me how...?
Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
everything! The landlord said when he got
back from Miami he kept talking about
falling for some doctor named Mary!
Ted is stunned.
Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
for him....would she?
Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.
His address in Miami. You know, when you
think about it, we really don't know the
first thing about this guy.
Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.
Jesus Christ what have I done?
A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.
You're not seriously thinking about going
out with this guy again?
Mary, he sounds like a psycho!
Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
and Puffy's never wrong.
The girlfriends roll their eyes.
Mary, the guy's full of shit.
What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
an honest mistake?
What if he didn't?
It's clear that Mary is torn.
I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
to be here any minute.
Well then blow him off when he gets here.
But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
don't know...perfect...kind of.
He has a big cock, doesn't he?
Mary shoots Brenda a look.
Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.
I think you better listen to this.
Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
So where the hell are you, Healy?
Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
girl I told you about.
The girls all look at one another.
We hit the motherlode.
We shouldn't be listening to this.
LISA AND JOANNIE
She still think you're a fucking architect?
Mr. Perfect, huh?
Mary starts to feel like a fool.
Turn it up, Magda.
Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.
Why didn't you just tell her the truth?
I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
women today are more impressed by the
mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
the last seventeen years scraping by on
Peace Corp wages.
The girls all seem moved by this.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:
But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
say, she's going to want to hear about
the things you did.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME
A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.
In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.
Come on, you could tell her about the
irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
orphan babies who cried in your arms in
(does a line of blow)
...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
BACK ON Mary and friends.
I love this man.
Magda folds her arms and gloats.
Look, I did all those things for myself.
I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
prick. I get a high from helping all of
God's creatures. An honest to goodness
Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.
Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.
That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
the front line. Remember the, uh,
malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
vicious strain of genital herpes?
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.
ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.
Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
illnesses in third-world countries.
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.
HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
philanthropy as some form of
currency...especially after what I did.
I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
You said it, mister.
I gotta go.
ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we
PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we
INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.
Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
to tell you. I'm not
Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS.
MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING
--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.
--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.
You look great.
Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.
--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.
A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.
Let's go home.
No! You've gone through way too much to
back down now. Get over there and do
something--I can't stand watching this.
BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.
Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?
How's my stomach taste, she says.
Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
Forget it. It was...fun.
ON TED AND DOM
Ted recognizes Warren.
Holy shit, there's Warren.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN
Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.
Franks and beans!
ON TED AND DOM
Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.
They both duck down in their seats.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN
Beans and franks.
Give it a rest, War. You just ate.
Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
Am I right?
Healy winks at Mary.
Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.
I said you've got a big app--
Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.
ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.
BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.
Are you okay?
(raspy, to Mary)
Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
ON TED AND DOM
Ted stares gazily.
Well? What are you waiting for?
I don't know what to say.
Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
schmuck out of the water.
Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
(stares at Mary)
She's even more beautiful than I remember.
THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.
Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!
Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.
You asshole, what are you--
(CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
Mary! Is that you?
Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.
It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
Finally she recognizes him.
Oh my God...Ted.
What are you...? I can't believe this. I
haven't seen you since--
Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.
And did everything--?
Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.
How are you doing, Warren?
Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?
I'm gonna take a rain check.
Mary is stunned.
I can't believe he remembered you. He never
You know I tried to call you for weeks
Really? I never got a message.
That's weird. I talked to your brother
Jimmy five or six times.
Ted is devastated to hear this.
By the way, how's he doing?
Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.
No, it was a good thing.
(off her look)
I mean, good in that it was very quick.
Ted pantomimes an explosion.
Oh. So...what brings you down here?
Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
mine decided to...ah...you know...just
She stares at him.
Well you look great. Are you married, do
you have kids?
Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
with Mary Jenson.
Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.
Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
(off his look)
There was this guy back in college who was
bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
when I got out of Princeton I changed my
name as a precaution.
Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
on old times?
Didn't we just do that?
Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.
I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
the thing is I already have plans. How
about tomorrow night?
Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
Don't make me wait another day.
Mary seems touched by this.
Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
up at eight.
Ted finally smiles and we
A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
I'm buying bananas tonight.
Back when I was your age I always used to
make myself a big banana split after sex. I
think you're gonna need one tonight.
Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
probably need it before I will.
Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
take you to the movies.
Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.
Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.
BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.
MARY (V.O. )
Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
guy today I hadn't seen since high school.
Healy loses the smile and sits up.
An old flame?
Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
guys in the world.
Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.
He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
crush on him.
BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.
MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
reminds me, I've got to call
what's-his-face and cancel.
Do I sense a chill in the air?
Mary sits down.
Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
my love life. I always pick guys on what I
feel in here.
But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
"Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
with this one, you'll grow to feel
something for him." But it never happened.
ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.
Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
I'm out rustling up some champagne and
roses in preparation for the greatest
birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
having a good day, too.
Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.
ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.
Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
say I'm...looking forward to tonight.
She hangs up.
You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
I can't do it--I just found out it's his
I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.
ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.
Tucker...come on in.
BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.
Well look who's here.
BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.
There she is--I brought you a little
Oh, you are sweet.
No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
so you'll pass out and I can have my way
Can I pour you one?
Thanks, but I've got to be going.
Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.
Well...I've got a little more news about
your friend Healy.
Mary seems relieved.
I know what you're going to say, but he
already told me everything. I know he's not
Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.
I think you'd better sit down.
Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
but I'm really strapped for time here and--
Mary, the man's a killer.
ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.
BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.
I've got a friend in the Boston police
department. He faxed me this this morning.
I'll just give you the highlights.
(reading from rap sheet)
After a short stint as a petty thief,
Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
committed his first murder--a pretty
teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
despite a grim psychological profile, the
state was forced to release him. In his
mid-twenties and again in his early
thirties he was suspected of homicides in
the states of Utah and Washington.
Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
decomposed that there wasn't enough
evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
forth and so on.
Mary looks like she's going to throw up.
ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.
Puffy, get over here.
We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.
The little shit lied to me about that guy!
Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.
I can't believe this is happening. I'm
supposed to be meeting him in an hour.
Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
Tucker puts his arms around her.
Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.
Mary looks fondly at Tucker.
Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
me a big head.
The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
to distance yourself as much as possible
without pissing this psycho off.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
do. I'll call him right now.
BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.
Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
not going to believe this--well, you'll
believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
just got beeped for emergency surgery.
Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
bail on you.
As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.
Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
You're gonna pay, fucker.
Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.
BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.
Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
if I'm ready for this, man.
Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?
(pats his back pocket)
Car clean? Plenty of gas?
Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.
Dom nods, satisfied.
Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
clean the pipes and it's a go.
You know, clean the pipes.
Pipes? What are you talking about?
You jerk off before all big dates, right?
Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.
Ted just stares at him.
You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
crazy?! That's like going out there with a
loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!
Ted considers this.
Think about it: After you've had sex with a
girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
are you nervous?
I'm usually too tired to be.
Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.
Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
with your head, that stuff will.
(starting to believe)
The most honest moment in a man's life is
the five minutes after he's blown a load.
That's a medical fact. And it's because
you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
actually thinking like a girl. They love
Jesus Christ you're right.
You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
out with a loaded gun, you empty the
(shakes his head)
Holy shit, I've been going out with a
People get hurt that way.
EXT. HOTEL - EVENING
Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME
Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.
He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.
The Load IS MISSING!!!!
That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
You look great.
She notices something.
On your ear, you've got something.
MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
It looks like a gob of...
Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.
Is that....hair gel?
Oh great, I ran out.
Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.
EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.
Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.
You motherfucker, you're a dead man!
Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.
Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
Who the fuck do you think you are making up
that bullshit about me?!
Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.
Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
Maybe this'll jog your memory.
Healy SLAPS him across the face.
I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
do with me being a murderer.
Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.
Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
Healy grabs him by the collar.
That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
working for him, aren't you, you little
Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.
This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
either you come clean or I'm going to kick
your ass from here to Tallahassee.
Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.
I LOVE HER, OKAY?!
Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.
You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.
Healy slowly lets go.
I'm a phony--just like you, man.
What do you mean?
I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
Santiago twice in a year?
But...but you knew people at Harvard.
I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
you were a fake and I made up everything
My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.
Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we
Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.
Thanks, that's great.
The WAITER turns to Mary.
ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.
Now by killer, you mean...?
I mean he murdered someone and did time
back in Boston. The guy's a freak.
Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
have friends like Tucker.
Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
Let's talk about you.
INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT
Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.
...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
Community College for a semester and when
the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
hooked up with the Pizza Barn.
And you met Mary how?
Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
one night and she answered the door in her
nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
that night, shaved my beard, and a week
later I was laid out in her office with a
How'd you manage that one?
Friend. Baseball bat.
Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
until you showed up.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
telling bald-faced lies about the
competition--that's crossing the line!
What line? The day you first laid your oily
rap on my future wife you started a war!
Future wife? Get real, man--you're
nothing more than a glorified brother in
Why you son of a--
Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.
Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
is neither of us are going to get her if we
don't do something about that headcase
she's with now.
As Tucker slowly releases him, we