Pinocchio

Executive Summary

Overview

Genres: Drama, Family, War, Fantasy, Horror, Musical, Comedy, Adventure, Dark, Coming-of-age

Setting: ,

Themes: Grief and Loss, Acceptance and Transformation, War and its Effects, Identity and Self-Discovery, Betrayal and Deception

Conflict and Stakes:

Comparable Scripts:

  • Pinocchio
  • The Little Match Girl
  • Big Fish
  • The Pianist
  • Life is Beautiful
  • Cinderella
  • Pan's Labyrinth
  • Charlotte's Web
  • Finding Neverland
  • Brave Little Toaster
Pass/Consider/Recommend


Explanation:


USP:
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:

Target Audience Demographics:

Marketability:

Profit Potential:

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice throughout the screenplay is characterized by a blend of whimsy, darkness, and emotional depth. The dialogue is often playful and poetic, reflecting the fantastical nature of the story, while the narrative descriptions are vivid and evocative, creating a rich and immersive atmosphere. The writer's unique voice contributes to the overall mood, themes, and depth of the screenplay by effectively capturing the emotions of the characters and exploring complex themes such as grief, loss, identity, and the power of love. The voice also adds a sense of whimsy and magic to the story, creating a fairy tale-like experience for the audience.

Best representation: Scene 14 - Pinocchio Goes to School and Receives a Gift from Geppetto. Scene 14 is the best representation of the author's unique voice because it showcases the whimsical and surreal elements, as well as the poetic and eccentric dialogue that are characteristic of the writer's style. The scene description is lively and dynamic, with action-packed descriptions and moments of visual comedy. The combination of vivid imagery, quirky dialogue, and lively scene direction perfectly encapsulates the writer's unique voice and creates a memorable and engaging scene.

Memorable Lines:

  • Pinocchio: I'm a real boy! (Scene 10)
  • Wood Sprite: Well, in this world you get what you give. (Scene 6)
  • Pinocchio: I can't die!! (Scene 29)
  • Geppetto: And a lie is- plain to see as your nose... And... (Scene 11)
  • Count Volpe: You will burn! Burn bright, like a star! (Scene 34)
Story Shape
Summary Geppetto grieves for his son Carlo at his grave, while remembering their happy times together. A cricket appears and takes a liking to Carlo's pine tree. Geppetto carves a wooden puppet named Pinocchio, who comes to life and explores the world with reckless abandon. Pinocchio becomes entangled in the world of fascist propaganda and recognizes the importance of telling the truth. He runs away to join a carnival, where he is taken advantage of and enslaved. Pinocchio eventually discovers the truth and stands up to his oppressor. He reunites with Geppetto and other friends, but faces danger as they encounter a sea monster. Eventually, Pinocchio sacrifices himself to save Geppetto, but is brought back to life by the wishes of his loved ones.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of this screenplay is a poignant and emotional journey of a father mourning the loss of his son and finding hope and redemption through the creation of Pinocchio. The flashbacks effectively showcase the bond between Geppetto and Carlo, and the scenes set in the village, church, and on the hill create a vivid sense of setting. The introduction of Count Volpe and the carnival adds a layer of conflict and danger to the story. The tensions between Pinocchio's desire for fame and Geppetto's concern for his safety are well portrayed. The scene in which Pinocchio confronts Death and learns about mortality is a powerful moment. The ending, with Pinocchio coming back to life and honoring the memories of Geppetto and Spazz, is heartwarming.
Suggestions: One suggestion to improve the screenplay would be to further develop the themes of loss and burden, as these are central to Geppetto's character arc. Exploring how Geppetto copes with his grief and finds solace in carving Pinocchio could provide more depth to his journey. Additionally, the character of Count Volpe could be further developed to enhance the conflict and raise the stakes. It would also be beneficial to tighten the structure of the story, as the screenplay seems to jump between different plot points and scenes without a clear narrative flow. Finally, while the whimsical and imaginative details in the scenes with Pinocchio in the town and church are effective, it would be helpful to have a stronger connection to the overall story and themes.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - The Loss of Carlo "Melancholic" 9 8 89 10 6974035010 79798
2 - Geppetto and Carlo's Life "Sentimental" 8 8 76 9 498303609 7108109
3 - Geppetto Remembers Carlo "nostalgic" 9 9 83 9 208202508 86899
4 - Geppetto Mourns for Carlo "Somber" 9 9 96 10 79880108010 8101098
5 - Geppetto's Grief "somber" 8.2 8 86 8 789908809 87889
6 - Geppetto's Grief "Melancholic" 9 9 98 8 6896078010 798109
7 - Pinocchio Comes to Life "Suspenseful" 9 8 97 9 889808909 89898
8 - Pinocchio wreaks havoc in Geppetto's workshop "Chaotic" 8 8 89 7 487906807 69998
9 - Pinocchio Visits the Fascist Town "Whimsical" 8 8 64 8 376404606 68889
10 - Pinocchio Causes Chaos in Church "Tense" 8 8 87 7 6891009808 798109
11 - Geppetto teaches Pinocchio about the consequences of lying "Whimsical" 8 8 87 9 698605706 878108
12 - A Puppet's Demands "Whimsical" 7 8 78 7 568704706 77899
13 - A Night of Reflection "Whimsical" 7 8 66 8 398302404 688109
14 - Count Volpe's Palace "Whimsical" 7 8 66 7 498607605 69998
15 - Pinocchio Goes to School and Receives a Gift from Geppetto "Innocent, heartfelt" 8 9 86 8 787605809 789109
16 - Pinocchio Gets Caught Up in the Carnival "Exciting" 8 9 89 7 589908807 79989
17 - Pinocchio's Temptation "tense" 9 8 98 9 79890101008 89998
18 - Pinocchio performs at the carnival "Upbeat" 8 9 76 8 689707807 78899
19 - Pinocchio's Betrayal "Tense" 9 9 88 9 887100101009 7109109
20 - Pinocchio Goes to Limbo "Whimsical" 8 9 89 7 286504604 78899
21 - Pinocchio Meets Death "Somber" 9 10 98 9 799606709 889109
22 - Pinocchio's Resurrection "Satirical" 7 8 69 7 689909706 710989
23 - Pinocchio's Plan "Heartbreaking" 8 8 96 7 798907809 88999
24 - Pinocchio Runs Away "Tense" 9 10 97 8 789809808 79998
25 - Pinocchio's Journey Continues "Nostalgic, hopeful" 8 7 86 8 688404807 69989
26 - Pinocchio Performs for Il Duce "Hopeful, but with underlying tension" 8 7 85 8 689808807 89889
27 - The Chase "Intense" 8 7 98 7 7889010907 69888
28 - Pinocchio stands up against Count Volpe "Tense" 8.5 8 98 8 7910909908 710998
29 - Pinocchio's Farting Puppet Show for Il Duce "Satirical" 8 8 810 8 789908906 7991010
30 - Pinocchio Confronts Mortality "dark" 8 10 97 7 6897010808 89889
31 - In the Youth Camp Dormitory "tense, patriotic, introspective" 8 7 88 9 589605607 89898
32 - The Battle for Honor "Slightly comedic but with serious undertones" 9 8 87 9 689706706 79987
33 - The Final Lesson "intense" 8 7 90 8 800100101008 70000
34 - Escape from Count Volpe's Lair "Tense" 9 8 96 8 8899010907 798109
35 - Escape from the Dogfish "tense" 8 7 87 8 789808806 688109
36 - Escape from the Dogfish "Tense" 7 7 86 6 2899010906 287109
37 - Escape from the Dogfish "Tense" 8 8 97 7 79990101009 610988
38 - Pinocchio Comes Back to Life "Sad, hopeful" 9 9 108 8 98108089010 798108
39 - Epilogue "Bittersweet" 8 9 77 8 788403609 89899


Scene 1 - The Loss of Carlo
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 7
PINOCCHIO



Written by


Guillermo del Toro
and
Patrick McHale




Based on

"Pinocchio" by C. Collodi
DARKNESS:

CRICKET (V.O.)
By the time master Geppetto made
Pinocchio, he had already lost a
son...

FADE IN:


EXT. THE HILL - DUSK

CRICKET (V.O.)
Now this was quite a few years
before my time, but I learned the
story... and then it became my
story...

Some autumn leaves are blowing by.

Small hill by a pine forest, and RED birch trees. AUTUMN. A
lonely figure standing by a wooden grave marker. This is
GEPPETTO. Able-bodied and in his mid-seventies, but sorrow
ages him. A shock of white hair- matching his unruly beard-
haloing his strong, noble face.

He is consumed by grief. He kneels by the grave, brushes off
the snow.

Embedded- and framed- by the wooden grave marker, there is a
photograph of a beautiful boy of TEN, Carlo. And the
inscription on the grave reads:

CARLO, MY ANGEL, Gone back to heaven, February, 1916.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Geppetto lost Carlo during the
Great War. They had been together
only ten years-
(beat)
-but it was as if Carlo had taken
the old man’s life with him...

Geppetto looks at the photograph and smiles a tremulous
smile. A tear rolls down his cheek.

CAMERA pushes on the photograph. We transition to:


EXT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - TREE (THE PAST) - DAY

Cold WINTER day. CARLO swings in a tree swing. Looks up at
planes passing overhead. Jumps off the swing. He rushes back
to the house, pretending to be an airplane.
2.


CARLO
(airplane sounds)


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - DAY

The workshop is a WARM wonderland of toys and marionettes.
Everything is hand-carved: doors, furniture, shelves,
utensils.

CARLO
Papa, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Yes?

CARLO
Guess what I saw!

GEPPETTO
What?

CARLO
Guess!

GEPPETTO
I have no idea.

CARLO
I saw some planes!

GEPPETTO
Oh, did you? Good.

Geppetto is carving a puppet. Carlo tries to steal a look.

CARLO
What is it you’re making this time,
Papa?

GEPPETTO
Guess.

CARLO
A soldier? A magician? A witch?

GEPPETTO
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You’ll
have to wait and see, Carlo. All
good things require patience!


-DRAG WOOD BACK TO THE HOUSE.
3.


-FEED THE FIRE TOGETHER.

CRICKET (V.O.)
They wanted for nothing; all they
needed was each other’s company.

-HAVE A MODEST BUT ABUNDANT MEAL TOGETHER. CROSS THEMSELVES
AND EAT.

GEPPETTO
(quietly praying)
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Geppetto, consumed by grief, kneels by the grave of his son Carlo. He remembers the joy they used to share before Carlo was taken from him during the Great War. Flashback to when Carlo was alive and happy.
Strengths "This scene sets up a strong emotional foundation for the story. It establishes the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo, and the deep loss that Geppetto feels."
Weaknesses "There isn't much plot development in this scene, and the dialogue is fairly straightforward."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and sets up a strong emotional foundation for the story. The use of the cricket as a narrator adds a layer of depth to the storytelling, and the transition from Geppetto mourning at his son's grave to a flashback of him with Carlo is seamless. The dialogue between Geppetto and Carlo feels authentic and establishes their loving relationship. However, there could be a bit more visual description of the workshop and its toys to really bring the world to life. Additionally, there could be more sensory detail to help the audience fully experience the scene. Overall, though, the scene effectively sets up the emotional stakes for the story and establishes a strong relationship between Geppetto and Carlo.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Consider cutting the first few lines of dialogue from the Cricket. Instead, start directly with the image of Geppetto at the grave marker. This will create a stronger visual impact and allow for more immediate emotional connection with the character.
2. When describing Geppetto, use fewer adjectives and focus more on his actions and expressions. This will allow the actor playing the part to convey more nuance and subtlety in the performance.
3. Consider reformatting the dialogue in the scene to be more succinct and focused. For example, instead of having Carlo guess several different things, have him guess once and then have Geppetto respond in a more meaningful way.
4. Look for opportunities to incorporate more sensory details into the scene, through description and action. For example, describing the smell of the fire they are tending to or the feel of the snow on Geppetto's hands.
5. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to create more drama and engage the audience. This can be done through character interactions, subtext, or external factors such as weather or time constraints.



Scene 2 - Geppetto and Carlo's Life
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carlo is in his hand-carved bed, decorated with Italian fairy-
tale pictures. Light snow falls outside a window.

Geppetto reads Carlo a fairy tale.

GEPPETTO
And the old witch warned the little
hedgehog- do not tell lies, or your
nose will grow and grow- up to
here!

Geppetto extends his finger out from his nose to demonstrate
it growing. Carlo’s eyes sparkle, still immersed in the
story.

CARLO
His nose would grow?

GEPPETTO
Lies, my dear boy, are found out
immediately, because they are like
long noses- visible to all but the
teller of the lie...
(beat)
And the more you lie... the more it
grows...

They both laugh as Geppetto encompasses Carlo in the blanket,
tickling him through the fabric.

CARLO
(yawns)
Sing me Mama’s song so I can sleep,
please, Papa?

GEPPETTO
Alright.
4.


Geppetto grabs his accordion and starts playing a sweet
LULLABY.

He clears his throat and then begins.

GEPPETTO
(singing)
My Son... My son... You are my
shining Sun. My moon. My stars.
My clear blue daylight sky.

Carlo closes his eyes and what follows is a series of
vignettes over different seasons.


-GEPPETTO PUSHES CARLO ON A SWING.

CARLO
Higher, Papa! Higher!

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
And if you looked at me today, my
heart would heal so fast. And if
you held me right away, I’d be
complete at last... At last...


-GEPPETTO TEACHES CARLO TO CARVE MARIONETTES.


EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP

Geppetto installs a pig-doorbell on the BUTCHER’S SHOP.

GEPPETTO
Try it.

Carlo pulls the strings to test it out.

He’s paid with sausages and HAM!!

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Thank the ladies.

The BUTCHER SISTERS laugh at how excited Carlo is. How cute.

Geppetto walks Carlo up to the school and gives him a book.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
For you.

CARLO
(small gasp)
For me?
5.


GEPPETTO
For you, Carlo.

Waves goodbye to Carlo as he heads off to SCHOOL. Carlo joins
happy kids.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O. (CONT’D)
You are my favorite, favorite
thing. Better than Sunset- Better
than spring: You bring me joy, You
make me sing. In the morning and
the evening too. You are everything
to me and I love you.


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP

Carlo studies his SCHOOLBOOK beside his father. Geppetto
proudly glances at his studious son.

Geppetto carves the FACE OF A CHRIST.


INT. CHURCH - DUSK

Geppetto and Carlo install the unpainted crucifix in church.

GEPPETTO
Pull, Carlo! Pull!

TOWN PRIEST
Magnificent work, Geppetto.

GEPPETTO
Thank you.


EXT. THE HILL - DAY

Geppetto rests in a bed of moss near the forest, a picnic
spread out before him. Carlo flies a kite nearby, giggling
with childish glee as it dances upon the wind.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
My Son, My Son: You are my golden
Sun.


-GEPPETTO AND CARLO CHOP DOWN A TREE.

As it starts to fall Geppetto lunges forward to quickly pull
Carlo out of the way.
6.


GEPPETTO
(stuttering)
Watch out, Carlo!


-CARLO LOOKS FOR A PERFECT PINE CONE.

GEPPETTO
(speaking)
When one life is lost, another must
grow.

CARLO
How about this one?

Carlo shows him a scraggly-looking pine cone.

GEPPETTO
(speaking)
No- no- no- no, Carlo. It has to be
perfect- complete. See? This one’s
missing some of its scales...

Carlo nods, examining the imperfect pine cone.


-GEPPETTO CARVES. CARLO WATCHES AND HELPS.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
My Son, My Son: You are my shining
Sun...


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - DUSK

Geppetto carves a pair of clogs for Carlo.

Then PAINTS them beautifully in bright colors.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Geppetto remembers his joyful times with his son Carlo through a series of flashbacks.
Strengths "Establishes a deep emotional connection between Geppetto and Carlo and sets up the conflict for the rest of the story."
Weaknesses "The flashbacks could have been shorter and more concise."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the loving relationship between Geppetto and Carlo. The use of the fairy tale and lullaby, as well as various activities they do together, help create a warm and nurturing environment for the audience to connect with the characters.

However, one potential improvement could be to reduce the number of vignettes shown in the scene. Some of them, such as Geppetto installing the pig-doorbell and Carlo finding the perfect pine cone, don't necessarily add much to the overall story or character development. Streamlining the series of events might make the scene feel more focused and purposeful.

Another critique is that the dialogue can sometimes feel a bit exposition-heavy, especially in Geppetto's lines about lying and noses growing. Finding more subtle ways to hint at themes or character traits could add more depth and nuance to the scene.

Overall, while there are some areas that could be improved upon, the scene succeeds in delivering an emotional and heartwarming moment between Geppetto and Carlo that sets up their relationship for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo and their daily life. However, here are some suggestions for improvements:

1. Show more emotion: While the dialogue between Geppetto and Carlo is sweet, the scene could benefit from some more emotional moments. For example, when Geppetto sings the lullaby, show Carlo snuggling up to him or closing his eyes in contentment. Or, when Geppetto gives Carlo the clogs, have Carlo react with excitement or gratitude.

2. Use more visual storytelling: While there are some vignettes included in the scene, there could be more opportunities to show rather than tell. For example, instead of having Geppetto tell Carlo about the hedgehog's nose growing, show a sequence of Carlo telling a lie and his nose actually growing.

3. Create more conflict: While this is a sweet scene, it lacks any real conflict or tension, which can make it feel somewhat stagnant. Consider adding a moment of tension between Geppetto and Carlo, or an external conflict that they must overcome together.

4. Develop themes: While the scene does touch on some themes, such as the importance of honesty and the passage of time, these could be developed further. Consider weaving the theme of honesty throughout the scene in different ways, or having the vignettes all relate to the theme of growing up and passing time.



Scene 3 - Geppetto Remembers Carlo
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM

Carlo yawns and sleepily nestles back down in his pillow.
Geppetto puts down his accordion and gets into his own bed.

CARLO
Good night, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Good night, my son.
7.


EXT. TOWN STREETS - DAY

WINTER -- February, 1916

Snow still lingers around town. Geppetto and Carlo go by,
dragging a WOODEN CART filled with the paints and tools.
Geppetto is well groomed. Carlo sits on the back of the cart,
proudly wearing his new brightly colored clogs.

CARLO
I love my new shoes, Papa.

GEPPETTO
I’m very glad, Carlo.

CARLO
We’re going to church first, right?

GEPPETTO
Oh yes, yes.

Carlo spots a stray dog on the side of the road.

CARLO
Hello there, little dog.

We see the town: a BEAUTIFUL village with turn-of-the-century
buildings peppered amongst Medieval hamlets and workshops:
The spirit of the town is LIVELY. Geppetto and Carlo wave to
people as they travel through town.

STREET SWEEP WOMAN
Buongiorno, Geppetto.

Carlo and Geppetto pass by an alley with sleeping dogs and
lighthearted posters. They pass by more townspeople going
about their day.

CARNIVAL WORKER #2
Morning.

GEPPETTO
Morning!

THE BUTCHER says “hello” as do the YOUNG TWIN DAUGHTERS.

BUTCHER
Master Geppetto! You gonna finish
that crucifix today?

GEPPETTO
We’re gonna do our best! Ladies.
8.


TWIN DAUGHTER 1 TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Such a perfectionist! Such a perfectionist!

The BLACKSMITH and his WIFE hammer horseshoes.

THE BLACKSMITH
(he will become PODESTÀ)
A model Italian citizen!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
And such a good father.

FRUIT VENDOR
Carlo, nice shoes. Catch!

The FRUIT VENDOR tosses him an orange.

CARLO
Thank you, sir!

MILLINER
Good morning.

CARLO
Hi!

Geppetto and Carlo head up towards a MASSIVE STONE CHURCH,
romanesque and looming above the town, casting a shadow over
it. A few people bustle about in front. THE DOCTOR AND HIS
WIFE pass by and greet them.

DOCTOR
Buongiorno.

GEPPETTO
Buongiorno, Dottore.

THE TOWN PRIEST awaits Geppetto on the steps.

TOWN PRIEST
Ahh, Carlo. Geppetto.

The Priest reaches out and shakes Geppetto’s hand to welcome
him.

Carlo runs ahead and sees the nearly finished Crucifix.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Geppetto remembers joyous moments with his son in a flashback while grieving at his son's grave.
Strengths "Strong emotional resonance and an effective use of flashbacks to convey Geppetto's loss and longing."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot developments and conflict."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written, with clear and descriptive action and dialogue. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the transition between the bedroom scene and the town streets could be smoother. It feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer indication of the passage of time. Additionally, it is not immediately clear who Carlo and Geppetto are or what their relationship is, which may be confusing for viewers.

Secondly, while the descriptions of the town and its inhabitants are vivid, there may be too many characters introduced in this scene. It could be difficult for viewers to keep track of who's who and what their significance is.

Finally, the scene lacks any clear conflict or tension. While it's possible that this is just a calm interlude in the story, it's generally more engaging for viewers if there is some kind of obstacle or challenge that the characters must face.

Overall, this scene could benefit from some tightening and reworking to create a stronger emotional connection with viewers.
Suggestions Overall, this scene serves as a good establishment of the town, characters, and the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Show more of Geppetto's emotions: Currently, Geppetto seems to be going through the motions and doesn't have much emotion in his lines or actions. It would be beneficial to show more of his emotions, especially towards Carlo.

2. Create more conflict: While the scene shows a happy and lively town, it would be more engaging for the audience if there was some sort of conflict or tension introduced. This could be as simple as a disagreement between Geppetto and Carlo, or something more significant like a feud between characters in the town.

3. Create more detail in descriptions: The scene could benefit from more detailed descriptions of the town, the people, and the setting. This will help the audience better visualize and immerse themselves in the world of the movie.

4. Use visual cues: While the dialogue is good, it can be supplemented with visual cues. For example, instead of having characters say "Good morning," have them wave, nod, or bow to show their greeting. This will make the scene more interesting to watch and less reliant on dialogue.



Scene 4 - Geppetto Mourns for Carlo
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CHURCH - EVENING

Geppetto still painting. Carlo looks up from his SCHOOL BOOK.
9.


CARLO
It looks great, Papa! Is it almost
time to go home?

GEPPETTO
Almost. Send up a little more red
for me.

CARLO looks in Geppetto’s COMPLEX TOOL/PAINT BOX and passes a
paint jar, using a bucket.

CARLO
Oh! I forgot to show you what I
found!

GEPPETTO
What is it, my boy??

CARLO
You’ll see...Ta-da!!!

Carlo has hidden a PINE CONE in the bucket.

GEPPETTO
(laughing)
The PERFECT pine cone! It still has
all its scales!

CARLO
I thought I could plant it myself
and watch the tree grow. And then
carve toys for myself- like you do.

Geppetto laughs, proud.

GEPPETTO
I think that’s as good an idea as
any boy ever had, Carlo...

Geppetto tosses the pine cone down to Carlo. He fumbles and
bats it around several times before safely securing it.

CARLO
Isn’t it?

A low rumble drones above their heads.

CARLO (CONT’D)
What’s that sound, Papa?

Geppetto listens.

CARLO (CONT’D)
Is it a plane?
10.


Geppetto grows concerned, but shakes it off. He climbs down
the scaffold- agile- nimble.

GEPPETTO
Gather the tools- quickly. We’ll go
home to a warm fire and hot soup.

CARLO
Can we have some hot chocolate too?

GEPPETTO
(distracted)
Sure, sure.

CARLO
It seems like a hot chocolate sort
of day...doesn’t it?

GEPPETTO
Oh yes, yes, yes. Fa-fine.

Geppetto isn’t listening. His attention is on the ominous
sounds outside. He heads towards the exit of the church.
Carlo starts to follow him.


EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Geppetto stands at the foot of the church and looks up in the
sky.

CARLO
Papa, what is it?

GEPPETTO
Nothing. I’m sure it’s nothing,
but...

CARLO
Oh wait, my pine cone!

Carlo returns to collect his pine cone.

The sky is peppered with planes, going to war. Bombs explode
in the distance.

CRICKET (V.O.)
It was later said that Geppetto’s
little town was not even a target-
that these planes were heading back
to base and simply let go of their
bombs to make their ballast
lighter...
11.


One of the planes- THE BIGGEST ONE-

-Releases 3 large bombs.

THE BOMBS FALL- whistling-

-heading for the ground-

GEPPETTO
(gasps)
Carlo!

Geppetto runs back to the church-

Inside the church Carlo finds his missing pine cone.

-But it is too late! The bombs hit the church and burn the
frame. Debris flies everywhere.

Geppetto falls to the ground. His ears ringing.

All he can see is fire.

Something lands near him: Carlo’s perfect PINE CONE.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No. Carlo.

Geppetto passes out.


CAMERA TRACKS INTO: THE BURNING CHURCH.

CUT TO:


EXT. THE HILL - DUSK

Geppetto plants the pine cone by Carlo’s grave, and cries. A
few MOURNERS keep their distance.

Then they move away, leaving Geppetto alone with his grief.

Two men hammer the headstone into the ground.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. CHURCH

CRICKET (V.O.)
Geppetto never left his side- and
that was that. He worked very
little, he ate even less...
(MORE)
12.
CRICKET (V.O.) (CONT'D)
and the Church’s crucifix remained
unfinished...

-The bombed out church- the broken, maimed crucifix, examined
by the angry Town Priest. He begins to pray.


EXT. THE HILL

-Geppetto in the WINTER, cleaning Carlo’s grave.

-Geppetto in the SPRING, laying flowers on the grave.

-Geppetto in the SUMMER, telling stories with puppets.

-Geppetto in the FALL, singing a song with his accordion.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Geppetto remembers his son Carlo through a series of flashbacks while grieving at his son's grave.
Strengths "Emotionally impactful scene that explores themes of loss and grief. Well-drawn characters and relationships."
Weaknesses "Dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times. Some moments can feel overly sentimental."
Critique The scene is well-written in terms of character development, emotion, and setting. It effectively presents the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo, conveying their affection for one another and their shared love of art and creativity. The use of the pine cone as a symbol of growth and renewal is a nice touch, adding deeper layers to Carlo's character and emphasizing the theme of hope in the face of tragedy.

However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details and visual imagery to enhance the atmosphere. The bombing and destruction of the church could be more vividly described to create a stronger sense of danger and urgency. Additionally, the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose at times, with characters explicitly stating their thoughts and emotions rather than letting their actions and expressions speak for themselves.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the central conflict and emotional stakes of the story, with Geppetto's grief and loss driving his journey towards redemption.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to emphasize the impending danger of the planes and bombs, perhaps by including more scenes or sounds of the planes flying overheard or explosions in the distance. This would heighten the tension and make the bomb drop more impactful. Additionally, adding more emotional weight to the scene, perhaps by exploring Geppetto's reactions and grief in more depth, would also make it more impactful and heart-wrenching for the audience.



Scene 5 - Geppetto's Grief
  • Overall: 8.2
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - THE YEARS PASS.

CRICKET
The years passed, the world moved
on, but Geppetto did not...

Geppetto DRINKS alone in his cold, lifeless bedroom. He
stares at Carlo’s old SCHOOL BOOK and a few other mementos.
He passes out, asleep.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:


EXT. THE HILL - SUNSET

SPRING -- Saturday, APRIL 9, 1939.

A PINE TREE has grown out of Carlo’s grave. Storm clouds.

CRICKET (V.O.)
And this is where I come in...

CAMERA discovers SEBASTIAN J. CRICKET. A somewhat elegant
cricket, but still a cricket. He hops along the grass, uphill-
carrying a CANVAS BAG AND A SUITCASE in one arm, and a
LEATHER-BOUND VOLUME AND A KNAPSACK tucked under the other.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Y’see I was a writer- and for years
I’d been looking for the ideal
conditions to set my illustrious,
fascinating life-story to paper.
Until at long last... I found it:
13.


The Cricket approaches the grave and looks UP-

- To a nook in the pine tree.

CRICKET (V.O.)
My sanctuary. HOME!


INT. NOOK - SUNSET

It begins to rain outside, but the nook is spacious and dry.
The Cricket examines the space- standing on its own two hind
legs- like a proud homeowner. He is making it “cozy”.

CRICKET (V.O.)
HERE I could write my memoirs! And
what a tale it would be! I had
lived in a barrister’s fireplace in
Sardinia, sailed on the Adriatic in
a fishing boat! Nested one Perugian
winter with an acclaimed sculptor!!

Cricket takes a portrait- places it on a knot in the nook and
then displays his inkwell and quill.

He writes the title of his book:

CRICKET
“Stridulations of My Youth”
By Sebastian J. Cricket.

Then:

The Cricket looks out the nook.


EXT. THE HILL - SUNSET

Geppetto sprawled beside grave, bottle in hand in the rain.

GEPPETTO
(weeping)
I dreamed of you, Carlo...I
dreamed, you were right back here
with me. My son.

The Cricket watches Geppetto, crying by the grave.

CRICKET
Oh dear.

GEPPETTO
If only I could have you back
here... I’m so sorry...
14.


CRICKET (V.O.)
I watched the old man weep and it
moved me... And it turns out that I
wasn’t the only one watching him...

The Cricket looks into the woods.


FROM THE WOODS

THE WINGED FIGURE watches Geppetto.

CRICKET
In my many wanderings on this
earth, I’ve learned that there are
old spirits living in the
mountains, in the forests...

The Cricket and her make eye contact.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Who rarely involve themselves in
the human world-

The GLOWING EYEBALLS fade into the bark of the trees.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
But on occasion... They do.

GEPPETTO
I want you back, Carlo- right
here...with me!


GEPPETTO SLAMS HIS FIST AGAINST THE TREE.

GEPPETTO
Why won’t you listen to my prayers!
Why!!

A deluge of rain pours down from the branches.

The Cricket takes one last pitiful look at furious Geppetto,
as he marches away, stumbling- shakes his head, and goes back
inside.


INT. NOOK - NIGHT

Cricket sits down and starts to write again-

CRICKET
Ahh, where were we? Ah yes,
Perugia.
15.


when--

His handwriting shakes- wavers. The whole nook shakes.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Whoaaah! What in my antennae-?
Oooof!!!


EXT. THE HILL - NIGHT

From Cricket’s POV inside the nook, we see Geppetto using an
axe to chop down the tree. Lighting! THUNDER!


INT. NOOK - SAME

The Cricket’s world SHAKES with every hack of the axe,
causing him to lose balance. He scrambles to keep his papers
safe.

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
I will have him back. I’ll make
Carlo again.

CRICKET
Wuhh...Hey!!

GEPPETTO
Out of this accursed pine!!


EXT. THE HILL - NIGHT

Rain pours down. Wind whirls. Lightning! THUNDER CRACKS!

Geppetto hacks the tree with an axe.


INT. NOOK - NIGHT

C-c-crack! Tree falls. Cricket goes weightless (ref: Magnolia
ambulance scene).

CRICKET
ahhhahaha!

It lands HARD. His papers strewn all over.
Genres: ["drama","fantasy"]

Summary Geppetto drinks alone in his room and dreams of his son Carlo before passing out. A cricket appears and claims a nook in the pine tree planted on Carlo's grave as its sanctuary to write its memoirs. The cricket watches as Geppetto weeps over the grave, accompanied by a mysterious winged figure in the woods. Geppetto, furious, begins to chop down the tree, causing the cricket's world to shake.
Strengths "The scene highlights the grief and desperation Geppetto feels for his son, along with introducing new characters like the cricket and mysterious winged figure. The use of flashback and present-day scenes adds depth to Geppetto's character."
Weaknesses "The scene could have benefitted from more dialogue and character interactions, as well as more context about the mysterious winged figure."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively sets up the introduction of the character Sebastian J. Cricket and his relationship to Geppetto. The use of voiceover narration from Cricket's perspective offers an interesting angle to the scene and adds to the whimsical tone of the story. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon:

- The passage of time could be clearer in the transition from Geppetto drinking in his bedroom to the shot of Carlo's grave with the pine tree. It's not immediately clear how much time has passed between these two moments, and some clarification would help ground the audience in the story.
- Geppetto's dialogue when he's at Carlo's grave comes across as a bit on-the-nose and melodramatic, which could be toned down. Additionally, the use of exclamation marks in his dialogue feels excessive and could be removed to make his lines feel more natural.
- When the tree falls, it's not clear what's happening to Sebastian J. Cricket. The line "Cricket goes weightless" doesn't quite convey what's happening and could be revised to be more descriptive.

Overall, this is a solid scene that sets up the story and characters in an intriguing way. With a few minor revisions, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Show more of Geppetto's internal conflict: Geppetto's grief over the loss of his son is a key emotional component of this scene, but it's mostly communicated through dialogue. Consider including flashbacks or other visual cues that show his pain and how it's affecting him over time.
2. Develop Sebastian J. Cricket's character: While the introduction of the cricket character is fun and adds some humor to the scene, it's not entirely clear why he's there or what purpose he serves in the larger story. Consider fleshing out his backstory or motivations to make his presence more meaningful.
3. Use more active descriptions: Some of the action in this scene is described in passive or vague terms (e.g. "Geppetto drinks alone," "The Cricket examines the space"). Look for opportunities to make the descriptions more visceral and engaging for the reader.
4. Consider the pacing: The scene jumps around in time a bit (from the years passing to the present day), which makes it feel a bit disjointed. Consider restructuring the scene to make the transitions between timeframes more seamless and the pacing more even.



Scene 6 - Geppetto's Grief
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THE HILL

Geppetto drags a piece of the trunk back towards-
16.


EXT. GEPPETTO HOUSE

-His house.

CRICKET
(Gasps)


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP

The Cricket pops out of the tree like a submarine captain,
dizzy from his journey. He is inside the workshop.

He follows Geppetto in his drinking binge: stumbling drunk
and retrieving sharp carving instruments.

SHINK! A bark spud slides across surface, almost decapitating
Cricket!

CRICKET
What on earth? Nooo!

He narrowly escapes and hides in a cuckoo clock.

As Cricket watches with morbid fascination, camera adjusts to
reveal a TINY MAN standing right behind him! Wait, no, it’s
just a wooden peg doll from the cuckoo clock. Phew!

HE almost kills the Cricket as the clock strikes the hour.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Oww! Ohhh! Oooh!

Geppetto looks at a picture of Carlo (one ear visible in
photo). He witnesses Geppetto carve Pinocchio- furiously.
Vehemently.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
It’s a house of horrors!
(gasps and covers his eyes)

He finishes one beautifully carved ear, little curls of hair
on one side of his head. He touches the ear tenderly.

He cries at the sight. He prays- to no one in particular.

Geppetto hammers some nails. Attaches a carved hand. Hinges a
knee. Places the head on the neck joint.

We see an unfinished, basic puppet, sketched but crude.

PINOCCHIO.
17.


GEPPETTO
I... I will finish you tomorrow...

Geppetto stumbles to the stairs.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Yes, tomorrow...

But passes out halfway up the steps- slides down and slumps
on the floor.

A glowing eye blinks into view in front of Geppetto. It
inspects him.

Cricket watches curiously. Another eye floats in to inspect
Cricket.

CRICKET
Shoo, Shoo, Shoo, Shoo, Shoo!

Cricket sees eyes are swarming all around Pinocchio.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Hey! Get away from there! Go away!
Bugger off!

Cricket jumps to Pinocchio, trying to scare away the eyes.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
No, no, no, no, no! This is my
home! No trespassing! Go, go, go,
go. Get away from here! Go! Go
away! Go away!

Eyes drift away.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Yes, that’s right!

The eyes begin to form a FIGURE. The FIGURE DISPLAYS its
wings (covered with eyes in place of feathers) and reveals
the benign face of a PALE WOOD SPRITE. The face has clear
similarities to Carlo’s mother’s face, but is simplified and
statuesque.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Now what?

The Cricket watches as the Pale Figure approaches Pinocchio.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
(in awe)
Whoa!
18.


WOOD SPRITE
Little wooden boy... May you rise
with the sun and walk the earth...

CRICKET
Excuse me- Can I help you?

Unnervingly, the FIGURE half turns, ALL EYES ON THE CRICKET,
WINGS FLUTTERING.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
This is my home we’re talking
about!

He hops towards the Wood Sprite.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
(harrumphs)
May I ask- Who on earth are you?

WOOD SPRITE
On Earth? A Guardian. I care for
the little things, the forgotten
things- the lost ones.

CRICKET
Well, I am Sebastian J. Cricket:
HOMEOWNER. And I have every right
to be consulted about your schemes
and machinations regarding my
property.

WOOD SPRITE
Well, since you already live in the
heart of the wooden boy, perhaps
you can help me.

CRICKET
Help you what?

WOOD SPRITE
To watch over him: guide him to be
good.

CRICKET
I’m not a governess, madam, I am a
novelist- a raconteur- currently
immersed in writing my memoirs.

WOOD SPRITE
Well, in this world you get what
you give. Take on this
responsibility, and I will grant
you one wish.
19.


CRICKET
And that could be anything?
Anything at all?

Cricket scratches his antenna with his hind leg.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
The publication of my book? Fame?
Fortune?

WOOD SPRITE
Anything.

Cricket looks to Pinocchio, who lays in the corner, half in
shadow, limbs akimbo.

CRICKET
Hmm, maybe I CAN help. I’ll try my
best and that’s the best anyone can
do!
(beat)
Hehe, that’s rather clever, isn’t
it?

Cricket turns back to Wood Sprite, who touches the puppet
with her GLOWING RIGHT HAND:

WOOD SPRITE
Little wooden boy. Made of pine- We
shall call you Pinocchio- may you
rise with the sun and wander the
earth and bring joy and company to
that poor heartbroken man- be his
son- fill his days with light- so
he’ll never be alone.

The Cricket is perched on Pinocchio’s nose. ZAPPP! He is
electrocuted by the Wood Sprite’s magic. He falls to the
table.

She then fades away...

The light fades away as well.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Geppetto drinks alone and carves Pinocchio while the cricket watches, only to be interrupted by a mysterious wood sprite. The wood sprite asks the cricket to help guide Pinocchio towards being good in exchange for a wish.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, interesting themes, and an intriguing new character with the wood sprite."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat lacking, and the scene could use more conflict and character development."
Critique Overall, this scene has a lot of interesting elements and a clear objective in advancing the story of Pinocchio's creation and introduction to the world. However, there are some areas where the scene could be improved for maximum impact and clarity.

Firstly, some of the dialogue could be revised to be more concise and effective. For example, the Cricket's initial gasp could be replaced with a more clear and impactful line. Additionally, some of the dialogue between the Cricket and the Wood Sprite could be streamlined to convey the same information and tone in fewer words.

There is also some potential confusion in the action and description of the scene. For example, it's not clear what is meant by "He follows Geppetto in his drinking binge." Is Geppetto drinking while he carves Pinocchio? Also, the way the Pale Wood Sprite is described as having eyes on its wings instead of feathers is a bit confusing and might benefit from a clearer explanation.

Finally, while there are some vivid and compelling details in the scene, there is also some unnecessary language that could be trimmed for flow and pacing. For example, some of the Cricket's exclamations of "Shoo, shoo, shoo!" could be replaced with a more dynamic use of action and description to convey his fear and frustration.

Overall, this scene has a lot of potential, but could benefit from some revision to ensure clarity and dynamic impact.
Suggestions 1. Increase clarity: Several parts of the scene are confusing and require improved clarity. For instance, it isn’t clear who the tiny man is, which could easily confuse the audience.

2. Simplify the dialogue: Several parts of the dialogue contain complex language, which could be difficult for the audience to follow. Simplifying the dialogue would help improve the overall understanding of the scene.

3. Focus on one main objective: The scene seems to have multiple objectives, including the introduction of the Wood Sprite, dialogue with the Cricket, and Geppetto’s carving of Pinocchio. Focusing on one main objective would help improve the pacing and clarity of the scene.

4. Increase tension: Although the scene contains interesting elements, it lacks tension. Add tension by increasing the conflict between the characters or adding a sense of mystery or foreboding.

5. Expand character development: The scene could benefit from more character development, particularly for the Cricket. Give the Cricket more backstory or a character arc to make the scene more impactful.



Scene 7 - Pinocchio Comes to Life
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FIREPLACE - MORNING

Geppetto wakes up at the bottom of the stairs. Through the
fog of sleep we hear faint footsteps and clattering.

He looks around, hungover but curious of the sounds.

He notices: The Puppet is gone.
20.


He notices: The picture of Carlo, knocked over and covered in
wood shavings.

He looks under the workshop table: Nothing.

He hears more noise. Reacts quickly and bumps his head on the
table.

Clattering. It’s coming from above. A ladder leads to an
attic crawlspace over the workshop.

GEPPETTO
Who goes there??

Geppetto grabs an AXE from the ground and moves cautiously.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
I...I’m warning you. I...I have a
weapon!

He climbs the ladder, and enters the attic.


INT. ATTIC - MORNING

Suspenseful horror movie sequence: Geppetto pops his head
into the dim attic.

In the dark corner is a strange, unnatural writhing-and-
rattling THING. Geppetto approaches trepidatiously. As his
eyes adjust he sees there is something ALIVE in the attic.

The THING steps into the light like Frankenstein, revealing
its grotesquely lit face: it is PINOCCHIO!

PINOCCHIO
Good morning, Papa!

Pinocchio is alive!

GEPPETTO
ARRRRRGH!!!

Geppetto screams in absolute horror!!

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
W-what is this??! What kind of
sorcery?!

PINOCCHIO
You wanted me to live! You asked
for me to live!
21.


GEPPETTO
Who- Who--are you!??

PINOCCHIO
My name is Pinocchio! I’m your son!

Geppetto frantically holds the axe.

GEPPETTO
You’re not my son! Don’t come near
me!

Sebastian J. pops out of Pinocchio’s chest.

CRICKET
The boy is telling the truth,
Master Geppetto!

GEPPETTO
Arrrgh!! It’s full of cockroaches!

Geppetto recoils.

The old man backs up in terror, hitting his head on the low
ceiling, tripping backwards through the crawlspace door,
hitting his chin as he falls down...
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Horror"]

Summary Geppetto wakes up to find Pinocchio missing, and discovers him alive in the attic. Geppetto initially reacts with horror, but eventually comes to believe that Pinocchio is his son.
Strengths "Strong suspenseful tone, effective use of flashbacks to build emotion and backstory, compelling character arc for Geppetto."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels cliched or over-the-top, certain character actions and reactions are not entirely believable."
Critique Overall, this scene is effective in creating suspense and horror, and it sets up the reveal of Pinocchio's existence. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

First, the stage directions could be tightened up. For example, instead of "He notices: The Puppet is gone," it would be clearer and more concise to write, "The puppet is missing." Similarly, instead of "Clattering. It's coming from above," it could simply be "Clattering from above." This would make the scene flow more smoothly and be easier to read.

Second, there could be more detail about Geppetto's emotional state. We know he is hungover and curious, but we don't get a sense of how he feels when he sees that the puppet and the picture are disturbed. Does he panic? Is he concerned but rational? Including more information about his internal thoughts and feelings would make him a more compelling character.

Finally, the dialogue could be improved. Geppetto's warning that he has a weapon feels a bit cliche, and his reaction to Pinocchio that "You're not my son! Don't come near me!" is a bit simplistic. Giving him more nuanced reactions would make him a more interesting character. The same goes for Pinocchio and Sebastian J. - their dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and complexity.

Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively builds tension and sets up what promises to be an exciting story. With a bit of tweaking, it could be even better.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from some reworking to better establish the stakes and sense of urgency. Here are a few suggestions:

- Consider adding more context to the opening shot. Is Geppetto waking up from a particularly wild night? Is he always hungover? Adding a bit of detail can help make the scene feel more grounded.
- Instead of simply having Geppetto react to the noises he hears, consider giving him a clear goal (i.e. finding Pinocchio). This will give the scene more structure and a sense of direction.
- The reveal of Pinocchio alive could be made more visually impactful. Is there a way to make the audience feel more surprised or shocked by his appearance?
- Rather than having Geppetto immediately scream and recoil at the sight of Pinocchio, consider having a beat where he tries to process what's happening. This will give the scene more emotional weight and make it feel less like a cheap scare.
- Finally, consider ending the scene on a more dramatic beat. As it stands, Geppetto simply falls down and hits his chin, which doesn't feel like a satisfying resolution to the tension that's been building. Is there a way to end the scene on a more meaningful or surprising moment?



Scene 8 - Pinocchio wreaks havoc in Geppetto's workshop
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - MORNING

...and landing on the hard floor of the workshop. The axe
tumbles from his hand.

Pinocchio descends the ladder with disjointed, inhuman
movements; he’s not yet in full control of his body (ref: a
baby’s weird twitchy movements / floppy wooden puppet).

Geppetto, flat on his back, tries to pull himself further
away from this monstrosity.

Pinocchio starts to look around the room in wonder. He picks
up the axe and looks at it with curiosity.

He gasps and runs off, giggling, as he sees something else of
interest.

Having lost interest in the axe, he tosses it aside. Luckily
this time Geppetto is able to catch it before it strikes him.

PINOCCHIO
(gasps)
Wow...What is this?
22.


Another gasp, as Pinocchio sees a row of glinting empty
bottles. He rushes over.

PINOCCHIO (SONG) (CONT’D)
All the things my eyes can see...

GEPPETTO
No...No. Get away from me!

PINOCCHIO
Everything is new to me.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
You, you stand back! Don’t come
near me!

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lee
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
It...It’s a clock. Don’t touch it!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
It sings at 6 o’clock.

Pinocchio hops around the room causing destruction in his
glee.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee

GEPPETTO
Oh no! Argh!

Pinocchio begins to pick up objects he sees around the room.

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lo yo lee
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO
No, no, please!

Geppetto chases him, trying to calm him- picking up after
him. Sebastian stays inside the nook- holds on for dear life.

GEPPETTO (SONG) (CONT’D)
That’s a hammer.
23.


PINOCCHIO (SONG)
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
You tap, you smash, you shatter.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Love it. I love it.
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee lo dee lo
dee dee

Pinocchio smashes with the hammer, shattering all the
bottles.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Oh no! No! Ugh!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Everything is new to me,
To me

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Ca-Careful!

Pinocchio grabs a broom and swings it around, dancing with it
like Fred Astaire.

Cricket, inside the nook, hangs on for dear life.

Pinocchio climbs up and swings from the ceiling. In his
enthusiasm, he knocks some knives off a shelf. They come
dangerously close to stabbing Geppetto, but he manages to
leap out of the way as they pierce the ground all around him.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Ahh, sharp! Sharp!! Ahhh!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
The world is rich with funny words
They ring like bells those tiny
words
They glow, they shine, they dance
in my mind
Like a chorus line, those silly
words of mine
La la eee dooo
La la eee dooo
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Uhh, a--a chamberpot.

Pinocchio begins running around again clutching the bedpan.
24.


PINOCCHIO
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Um-uh I...oh.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Love it
I love it
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee lo dee lo
dee dee
Everything is new
Everything is new to me

Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee

Love it, love it

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Oh dear, oh dear. Well, alright,
alright, that’s enough. That’s
enough. Ohhh. Don’t. Don’t! No! No!
You have to stop!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Everything is new to me!

Geppetto stares disgusted at his unholy creation.

Geppetto throws a blanket over Pinocchio- yodelling.

Then nervously runs and pushes Pinocchio- blanket and all-
into a closet.

Closes the closet door. Locks it. Pinocchio BANGS loudly,
trying to escape.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
That was so much fun, Papa!

GEPPETTO
You’re not my son!
(beat)
What is wrong with you!?

It’s quiet. He stares at the door apprehensively.

PINOCCHIO
I’m sorry.

Geppetto opens the door slowly to look inside.

Pinocchio sits in the corner. A glove is stuck on the end of
25.


his nose. He makes for a ridiculous figure, and for a moment,
Geppetto’s heart begins to soften.

GEPPETTO
I--uh...
(searching for the words)
Just stay here- don’t come out

The CHURCH BELLS ring. Backs away from the door.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Time for Church-

Trying to pretend like it’s a normal day, he heads to front
door.

PINOCCHIO
Church?! I wanna go to Church!!
Church!! Church!! Church!!

GEPPETTO
Stay there. You- you understand?

Opens the front door, and closes roughly behind him.

Pinocchio continues to bang on the locked closet door.

PINOCCHIO
Church!! Church!! Church!! Church!

SMASH! Pinocchio BURSTS out of the closet- yelling!!

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Church!!!

CRICKET
No no. He told you to stay-

PINOCCHIO
(sing song)
I’m going to church, I’m going to
church, I’m going to church!

Pinocchio continues to head towards the door.

CRICKET
No, no, no! Please stop, you must
obey your Papa.

PINOCCHIO
“Obey”?

CRICKET
To do as you are told...
26.


PINOCCHIO
But I don’t want to obey.

CRICKET
Well, you must try your best, and
that’s the best anybody can do.

MUSIC SWELLS as if in the start of a musical number. Cricket
sings oh, ever so briefly with a perfect baritone voice...

CRICKET (CONT’D)
My dear father loved to say---

Pinocchio opens the door, slamming it into the Cricket,
crushing him and cutting off his song.

PINOCCHIO
I’m going to church!! I’m going to
church!!

Pinocchio opens the door and leaves.

CRICKET
Ugggh.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Musical"]

Summary Pinocchio comes to life and tries to explore Geppetto's workshop, causing destruction and chaos in the process
Strengths "The scene showcases Pinocchio's childlike wonder and curiosity, while setting up the conflict between him and Geppetto as well as introducing the cricket and wood sprite characters."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and songs are somewhat repetitive and simplistic, and the scene might feel too chaotic or silly for some viewers."
Critique There are a few elements of this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, the description of Pinocchio's movements as "disjointed, inhuman" is not quite specific enough. What does this look like exactly? Is he stumbling around or jerking spasmodically? It would be better to use more descriptive language to help the reader visualize the action.

The dialogue also feels a bit forced at times, with characters stating things in a way that feels unnatural. For example, Geppetto saying "You, you stand back! Don’t come near me!" and "It...It’s a clock. Don’t touch it!" feels stilted and could be rephrased in a more natural way.

Finally, the use of a song in the middle of the scene feels a bit out of place. Unless it is established early on in the script that this is a musical, suddenly breaking into song can feel jarring and interrupt the flow of the scene. If the song is necessary, it could be introduced earlier in the script to establish the tone of the story.
Suggestions 1. Focus on clearer actions: The action in the scene is unclear and it can be a bit difficult to follow. It's important to clearly establish what the characters are doing and what is happening in the scene.

2. Add more descriptions: Describe the scene in more detail. This can help us picture the setting and feel more immersed in the story.

3. Focus on character development: It's important to give your characters depth and to show character development throughout your story.

4. Improve dialogue: The dialogue in the scene could be improved to sound more natural and flow better.

5. Simplify the scene: There are a lot of actions in this scene which may confuse readers or viewers. It's better to simplify the scene and focus on the key actions and dialogue.

6. Tighten up the pacing: Some parts of the scene feel slow and could be tightened up to make it more engaging.

7. Add stakes and conflict: There should be some sort of conflict in the scene, or at least some high stakes, to create tension and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 9 - Pinocchio Visits the Fascist Town
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. TOWN STREETS AND PIAZZA - DAY

The town has changed. POSTERS OF FASCIST PROPAGANDA are
everywhere. Portraits of Mussolini take entire walls.
Pinocchio goes by one that reads: BELIEVE, OBEY, FIGHT. He
waves to the mural.

PINOCCHIO
Hiiiii! Okay, byeeeee!

Some houses are in disrepair- destroyed, abandoned.

Pinocchio-

-hears the bell and sees-


THE TOWN’S CHURCH.

PINOCCHIO
Oooh!

Pinocchio makes some playful noises as he proceeds to hop up
each church step.
27.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio explores a town filled with fascist propaganda while hearing the bell of the local church.
Strengths "The scene creates a clear sense of setting and tone with imaginative details. It also raises interesting thematic questions about fascism and obedience."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have much plot development or conflict, and the dialogue is minimal."
Critique Firstly, the scene lacks clear direction and purpose. What is the objective of Pinocchio in this scene? What is the significance of the fascist propaganda and Mussolini portraits? There needs to be a clear intention behind each action and setting to drive the story forward.

Additionally, the dialogue is lacking in substance and doesn't add anything to the scene. Pinocchio's lines are simply playful noises and a brief greeting to the propaganda mural. The audience needs to be invested in the characters and their journey, and this scene doesn't develop Pinocchio's character or present any obstacles for him to overcome.

Finally, the description could be more detailed and concise. Instead of just stating "some houses are in disrepair- destroyed, abandoned," the screenwriter could provide specific details to paint a vivid picture of the setting and atmosphere.

Overall, this scene needs clarity of purpose, stronger characterization, and more descriptive language to effectively engage the audience.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene are as follows:

1. Character Development: The scene should focus on developing Pinocchio’s character. You can add instances where he reacts to the change in the town’s atmosphere, which can add more layers to his personality.

2. Conflict: A scene without conflict lacks appeal. You can add conflict to the scene, for instance, a confrontation between Pinocchio and a Fascist-loyal citizen.

3. Dialogue: The scene lacks proper dialogue and interaction between Pinocchio and other characters. You can add a conversation between Pinocchio and a town resident who can give a brief rundown of the current political climate of the town.

4. Visual Elements: You can add more visual elements to describe the town's atmosphere. For instance, adding some dialogue about street protests or anti-Fascist graffiti on the buildings.

5. Transition: The ending of the scene feels abrupt. You can add a smooth transition to move the story forward and set up the next scene's premise.
Overall, the scene needs more action, dialogue, and an essential conflict to keep the interest level high.



Scene 10 - Pinocchio Causes Chaos in Church
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CHURCH

The Town Priest prepares to bless palms with holy water and
incense. Everybody is singing.

TOWN PRIEST
Ostende nobis, Domine,
misericordiam Tuam.

CONGREGATION
Et salutare Tuum da nobis.

TOWN PRIEST
Pater omnipotens, aeterne Deus.

CONGREGATION
Et clamor meus ad Te veniat.

TOWN PRIEST
Pater omnipotens, aeterne Deus.

Everyone closes their eyes and clasps hands in prayer.
Pinocchio watches with wonder. Without realizing it, he
wanders down the aisle.

Pinocchio looks at the Christ, backlit by a sun-ray,
majestic... missing an arm.

He catches the eye of CANDLEWICK.

CANDLEWICK
Look- Father- over there- what is
that??

Someone in the crowd screams.

MILLINER
Dio Mio!

PRIEST
Ahh! An abhorration.

PINOCCHIO
Papa! Papa! Over here!

PARISHIONER WOMAN
It speaks!?

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Avra il Diavolo!

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!
28.


PINOCCHIO
(runs to Geppetto)
Papa! It’s me! I came to church!

The crowd lets out a collective gasp.

CARNIVAL WORKER #1
It’s a demon!

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Witchcraft!

WOMAN 2 makes the gesture of the horns to protect herself
from Malocchio, the “evil eye”!

TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Malocchio!!

PINOCCHIO
(correcting her)
Pinocchio!

People are disgusted and terrified, making sign of the cross
on themselves.

GEPPETTO
No!! No!! Please. It’s...It’s a
puppet- To- to entertain!!

Everyone chatters/gossips/argues with each other.

CANDLEWICK
If he’s a puppet, where are his
strings?

The Podestà calmly stands and begins to walk down the aisle.
The crowd continues to murmur.

PODESTÀ
That’s true. Who controls you,
wooden boy?

GEPPETTO
Of course, I control him.

PINOCCHIO
Who controls YOU?

Geppetto picks him up and covers his mouth- but Pinocchio
struggles to escape.

GEPPETTO
(being kicked and hit by
Pinocchio)
(MORE)
29.
GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No one talks to the Podestà like
that.
(awkwardly chuckling)
He- oh, he’s a puppet, just a
puppet.

PINOCCHIO
No, I’m not! I’m made of flesh and
bone and meaty bits!! I’m a real
boy!

His nose grows! People scream again!

MILLINER
Demon!!

TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Arrrrgh!!

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
A monster!!!

OLD WOMAN
Il Diavolo!

GEPPETTO
No, no...no! He’s harmless!!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
It’s an abomination!

BUTCHER
(Shouting in Italian)

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
This is the work of the Devil!

TOWN PRIEST
ENOUGH! This is a house of God. You
drunken fool! You carving this,
this...thing! While our blessed
Christ hangs unfinished all these
years! Take that unholy thing away!
Take it away! Now!

BUTCHER
(Shouting in Italian)

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes, Padre. Uh-uh-uh sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry. He’ll be fine.

Geppetto picks Pinocchio up and tries to leave the church!
30.


PARISHIONER WOMAN
Get out!

OLD WOMAN
Shame on you, Geppetto!

FRUIT VENDOR
Burn him!

MILLINER
Chop ‘im up!

BUTCHER
Oh mio dio!
(continues cursing in
Italian)

Candlewick sticks his tongue out at Pinocchio and Pinocchio
responds in kind.

OLD WOMAN
Get out!!

PARISHIONER WOMAN
Curse you, Geppetto!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
The lord will punish him!

OLD WOMAN
(yelling in Italian)

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Get out!!!

The church doors slam behind them.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio attends a church service where the townspeople mistake him for a demon or an abomination.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases the town's hostility towards Pinocchio and Geppetto, highlighting the social themes of prejudice and intolerance. The dialogue is powerful and intense, highlighting the power dynamics between the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene may come off as heavy-handed with its social commentary, and Pinocchio's limited agency as a puppet may limit the character development."
Critique The scene starts strong with a clear setting and action taking place, but it becomes a bit chaotic and cluttered as more and more characters start reacting to Pinocchio's presence. The dialogue feels repetitive and doesn't really add much depth to the scene. Additionally, there are several characters introduced without any clear purpose, such as the Milliner and the Fruit Vendor. The portrayal of the townspeople as immediately hostile and aggressive towards Pinocchio feels forced and doesn't allow for any nuance or complexity in their reactions.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some streamlining and more focused dialogue that drives the plot and character development forward. Additionally, adding more variety and depth to the townspeople's reactions could make the scene more interesting and impactful.
Suggestions - Firstly, it would be useful to have a description of the characters and their actions to give more depth to the scene.

- The dialogue could be made more engaging and informative. For instance, the Twin Daughter 1's line "Avra il Diavolo!" could be translated as "The devil has arrived!" rather than just a simple line of dialogue.

- The scene needs more conflict and tension. For example, instead of the crowd immediately reacting negatively towards Pinocchio's existence, we could have an initial moment where they are impressed by the sight of him, before their reactions turn sour.

- It would be helpful to have more visual descriptions, such as close-ups of people's faces to show their disgust and fear.

- The scene could be improved by adding more details about the location and atmosphere, such as the church's architecture and the sounds of the congregation singing.

- Finally, the scene could benefit from having more physical action and movement, to make it more visually exciting. For instance, instead of Pinocchio just wandering down the aisle, he could do something more dramatic that causes the crowd to react.



Scene 11 - Geppetto teaches Pinocchio about the consequences of lying
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - AFTERNOON

It is raining outside.

Geppetto is filing off the excess nose from Pinocchio.
Pinocchio is fidgeting. And yodeling.

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lo yo lee. Hello!

GEPPETTO
Stop fidgeting, please!
(he doesn’t)
31.


Cricket watches from a ledge while tuning a tiny fiddle. He
waves at Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Carlo never acted like this.
(sighs)

PINOCCHIO
Papa- Why did my nose grow today?

GEPPETTO
You lied, Pinocchio. And a lie is-
plain to see as your nose... And...

PINOCCHIO
And the more you lie, the more it
grows... Is that it?

Pinocchio extends his finger out from his nose to illustrate.

Geppetto is startled- how does Pinocchio know that??

GEPPETTO
That- yes- that’s it-


A KNOCK on the door. Geppetto goes to answer. Lightning
illuminates: The Town Priest and The Podestà (in Fascist
Regalia). More lightning illuminates:

Candlewick- Glaring menacingly.

The Podestà gives a ROMAN SALUTE!

They all do.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Geppetto teaches Pinocchio the consequences of lying through his growing nose while the Town Priest, Podestà and Candlewick make an entrance.
Strengths "The scene establishes the consequences of lying in the magical world and sets up the conflict between Fascist propaganda and the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks higher stakes and emotional impact, and there is little significant character change."
Critique Overall, the scene sets a clear mood with the stormy weather and the introduction of some potentially scary characters. Pinocchio's fidgeting and yodeling add some comedy to the scene, but it's unclear if that's the desired tone.

One suggestion would be to add some more specific details about the setting and characters to help paint a clearer picture for the audience. For example, how old is Geppetto? What does Cricket look like? And what is the significance of the Podestà's fascist regalia?

Additionally, there are some moments of awkward dialogue that could be tightened up. For example, Geppetto's line "Carlo never acted like this" feels out of place without more context or establishment of who Carlo is.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some more fleshing out and refining of the dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels a bit lacking in conflict or action. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Increase the tension: The arrival of the Town Priest and the Podestà, especially in fascist regalia, is a big deal. But the characters don't seem to react to it very strongly. Consider adding some dialogue or actions to show that Geppetto and/or Pinocchio are afraid or intimidated by these powerful figures. This will increase the tension and make the scene more engaging.

2. Show Pinocchio's lying: The fact that Pinocchio's nose grows when he lies is an important plot point, but it's currently just explained in dialogue. Consider showing Pinocchio lying earlier in the scene (maybe about something small and inconsequential), so that when he asks about his nose growing later, the audience understands why. This will also make the scene more dynamic.

3. Give Cricket a purpose: Right now, Cricket is just there to watch and wave. Consider giving him a more active role in the scene. Maybe he can try to help calm Pinocchio down, or he can give Geppetto a warning about the arrival of the Town Priest and the Podestà. This will make the scene feel more cohesive and increase the sense of teamwork between the characters.

4. Add more physicality: Right now, the scene is mostly just talking. Consider adding some physical actions to make the scene more visually interesting. For example, Pinocchio could be bouncing around the workshop and knocking things over, or Geppetto could be struggling to hold him still while he files his nose. This will help keep the audience engaged and add more energy to the scene.



Scene 12 - A Puppet's Demands
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. GEPPETTO HOUSE / DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Geppetto pours his visitors some hot chocolate.

GEPPETTO
There you go.

TOWN PRIEST
Chocolate! Thank you, Geppetto. We
appreciate your hospitality

PODESTÀ
Candlewick, go sit by the fire.

Candlewick obeys.
32.


TOWN PRIEST
We are here to talk about the
incident at the church today. The
community was startled by your
creation...

PODESTÀ
(interrupts)
As Podestà, I must ensure that this
“puppet” of yours poses no threat
to our community?

GEPPETTO
Oh no, no, nothing like that!

PINOCCHIO
Ooh, is that--hot chocolate?

The Podestà stares at Pinocchio with bewilderment.

CANDLEWICK
You’re a puppet. You’ve never eaten
anything in your life!

PINOCCHIO
Oh- oh- That must be why I’m SO
hungry!! Oh, I’m STARVING, Papa!
I’m STARVING to DEATH!

GEPPETTO
You are not. Now go sit by the fire
and let me talk to our guests.

PINOCCHIO
But I don’t want to! I want hot
chocolate! PLEASE, Papa! PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEASE--

The Town Priest and Podestà exchange shocked looks.

Geppetto quickly pours a cup of chocolate for Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO
There there now- here you go.

PINOCCHIO
Oh boy! Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you--

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes- Pinocchio. Go, go warm
your feet by the fire. Obey your
Papa.
33.


PINOCCHIO
Oh, yes! I WILL obey if I get
CHOCOLATE! O’boy, o’boy, o’boy.

Pinocchio goes to the fireplace, spilling hot chocolate as he
goes.

GEPPETTO
(to his guests)
He really is a charming boy.

TOWN PRIEST
Podestà watches over the town’s
moral well being, you understand?
His authority cannot be questioned.

PODESTÀ
That’s right- and I won't be
mocked.

Pinocchio sits down, puts his feet close to the fire and
proceeds to IMITATE CANDLEWICK’s EVERY GESTURE as he sips
chocolate noisily. Candlewick sees this as a challenge.

(As the adults talk, Candlewick and Pinocchio continue their
game of “copy cat”.)

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
I will do just as you wish. You
have my word.

PODESTÀ
So what about this wooden boy? Will
you let him run wild through town
all day?

GEPPETTO
Oh no, no, no, no, no... I- I’ll
keep him- locked up! Right here in
the house.

Pinocchio hears this.

PINOCCHIO
I won’t be locked up! I’ll smash
the windows out, I will!

PODESTÀ
This abnormal boy lacks discipline.
But he seems strong. Sturdy. Made
of good Italian pine.
34.


GEPPETTO (O.S.)
Oh, very good pine, yes. Not
perfect, you see, but uh he...he
means well.

Pinocchio’s game of “copy cat” continues with Candlewick.

CANDLEWICK
(low voice)
Hey, try to get closer to the fire-
to get warm...

PODESTÀ
Son, come here. Look at my boy,
Candlewick.

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes.
(laughs nervously)

Pinocchio gazes at the fire and starts to inch closer.

Meanwhile, Podestà gestures for Candlewick to come closer.

PODESTÀ
A model Fascist Youth: proud and
brave- virile like his father! And
his teeth- perfect teeth. And no
sign of jaundice!!

PINOCCHIO (O.S.)
Papa- Papa- my feet feel hot- like
chocolate- Look!

Geppetto turns: Pinocchio’s legs are on fire!!! He screams.

CRICKET
FIRE!! My house is on fire!!

PINOCCHIO
(excited)
Yes, look at me! Look! I’m on fire!
Yay!

Geppetto screams and grabs the puppet, he dashes back and
forth around the room and finally sinks the legs into a
bucket of water.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Awwww, look what you did, Papa! You
ruined the nice light on my feet!
35.


PODESTÀ
This is what you get with an
undisciplined mind. You must send
this child to school!

GEPPETTO
To school?! Pinocchio??!!

PODESTÀ
Yes. Tomorrow.

Cricket watches from above, considering what the Podestà has
said. Perhaps school would be good for the boy.

PINOCCHIO
(intrigued)
School?! Hehe.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio demands hot chocolate and almost sets himself on fire, leading the Podestà to suggest he attend school.
Strengths "The whimsical tone is engaging and draws the audience in. The conflict between Pinocchio's desires and the expectations of the adults creates tension. "
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't do much to move the plot forward, and the stakes are relatively low. The characters, besides Pinocchio, don't have much personality beyond their archetypal roles. "
Critique This scene sets up the conflict between Geppetto and the community, specifically the Podestà who is concerned about Pinocchio's creation. However, the scene lacks tension and stakes, making it feel like a generic encounter rather than a pivotal moment in the story. Additionally, Pinocchio's behavior feels inconsistent and lacks clear motivation, making it hard to care about his character. Finally, the dialogue could use more subtext and conflict to add depth to the interactions between the characters. Overall, this scene needs more work to elevate it to the level of a compelling and engaging story.
Suggestions There are several suggestions that could improve this scene:

1. Raise the stakes: While the conversation about Pinocchio is important, the scene would benefit from a higher level of tension and conflict. Perhaps Geppetto could be more resistant to sending Pinocchio to school, and the visitors could push back harder, threatening consequences if he doesn't comply.

2. Clarify character motivations: While we understand that the Podestà is concerned about the potential threat posed by Pinocchio, we don't know enough about his motivations. Is he genuinely concerned for the town's safety, or is he using this as an excuse to exert his power? By making his motivations clearer, the conflict will become more nuanced and interesting.

3. Show, don't tell: The conversation about Pinocchio's behavior feels a bit expository. Instead, try showing us his mischievousness through his actions. For example, rather than having him simply ask for hot chocolate, have him sneak some from Geppetto's kitchen or cause a small disturbance that reveals his lack of self-control.

4. Develop secondary characters: While Geppetto and Pinocchio are well-defined, the other characters feel like they could use some fleshing out. What are their personalities like, and how do they feel about Pinocchio? By making them more distinct, the scene will feel more dynamic.



Scene 13 - A Night of Reflection
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOOM - NIGHT

It’s raining. Geppetto closes the upstairs window.

GEPPETTO
Oh, what a day... What a day...

PINOCCHIO
(imitating)
Oh, what a day! What a day!!

GEPPETTO
Hahaha. Time for bed.

Geppetto lifts Pinocchio off of his bed and carries him over
to the bed that belonged to Carlo.

PINOCCHIO
You know, Papa? I liked my old
legs! And I liked them on fire!

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio, if you go to sleep- I’ll
make you a new pair of legs in the
morning.

The Cricket pops out and watches as Geppetto tucks him in.

PINOCCHIO
Just like the old ones?

GEPPETTO
(chuckling)
Better than the old ones.
36.


PINOCCHIO
Better!!?? Can I have cricket legs,
Papa? Can you make me four of them?

GEPPETTO
(chuckles softly)
No, no, no, no. Just two...Two will
do.

Geppetto gets into bed.

PINOCCHIO
(to Geppetto)
Good night, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Good night, my--
Goodnight...Pinocchio.

For a moment, it was as if Pinocchio WAS Carlo.

Pinocchio sees the Cricket.

PINOCCHIO
Sebastian-

CRICKET
Yes, Pinocchio?

PINOCCHIO
Who’s Carlo?

CRICKET
Carlo was a boy. Geppetto lost him
many years ago.

PINOCCHIO
Where did he put him? How can you
lose a whole person??

CRICKET
I mean he... he died, Pinocchio.
He’s no longer alive...

PINOCCHIO
Is that a bad thing?

CRICKET
Yes, it’s a great burden for a
father to lose a child so young.

PINOCCHIO
What’s a burden?
37.


CRICKET
It’s something... painful you must
carry, even though it hurts you
very much...

Long beat as Pinocchio closes his eyes...

The Cricket smiles and goes back home.

CRICKET (V.O.)
I wrote a lot that night.


INT. NOOK - SAME

CRICKET
I had so much to say- not about my
own life, for a change, but about
imperfect fathers and imperfect
sons- and about loss- and love.

The Cricket is writing on a small “desk”.

CRICKET (V.O.)
And for that one evening at least,
we were, all of us, blissfully
oblivious.

He intensifies the flame in an oil lamp.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. STREETS / MAIN PLAZA / TOWN - DAWN

Geppetto pulls his cart as they head for the church. A NEW
ARM for the CRUCIFIXION is in tow.

Pinocchio is excited about his new legs. They are in fact,
just badly patched and unremarkable.

PINOCCHIO
You were right, Papa! These legs
are much, much, much, much better
than the old ones!
(beat)
Ha, look at me! I can walk
backwards, hup! And- and- jump
forwards, hup! I couldn’t do it
before!!

Geppetto strains as he pulls his heavy cart- he’s old. He
briefly looks at Pinocchio, smirks, then shakes his head,
rolls his eyes, and continues ignoring the wooden boy.
38.


On a building nearby- a wild, gnarly monkey, SPAZZATURA,
hangs a banner:

“COUNT VOLPE’S MAGNIFICENT MARIONETTES”

Spazzatura hears voices and looks below:

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Ooooh! Papa! Can you see this? He
looks just like me!

From above, Spazz watches Pinocchio as he goes by. The monkey
is amazed at the sight of the living puppet. Cricket sees
Spazz gazing at Pinocchio and gasps.

CRICKET
What is that?

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
Pinocchio!! C’mon. Hurry up. Hurry
up.

PINOCCHIO
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love
these new legs, Papa!!

Pinocchio runs to catch up and jumps back in the cart.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Can we go to a carnival?

GEPPETTO
Perhaps, Pinocchio. Perhaps...Right
now we have work to do.

PINOCCHIO
Work! I love work! Papa, what is
work?

GEPPETTO
Oh, Pinocchio, please no more
questions.

They round the corner and head towards the church. Spazz has
been following them the whole time.

Spazz runs away-
Genres: ["Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio and Geppetto share a bedtime conversation about Pinocchio's new legs and Geppetto's lost son, Carlo. The Cricket watches over them, reflecting on fathers and sons, loss, and love.
Strengths "The scene explores the themes of fathers and sons, loss, and love through a conversation between Geppetto and Pinocchio, and the Cricket's reflections. The whimsical tone and playful dialogue provide a good contrast to the heavier themes discussed."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have much conflict or emotional impact. The plot does not move forward significantly, and the dialogue feels somewhat repetitive."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and serves to advance the plot and develop the characters. The dialogue is natural and believable, especially between Geppetto and Pinocchio. The use of the Cricket as a device for exposition is also effective. However, there could be more visual description to enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene, since it takes place at night during a rainstorm. Additionally, the ending of the scene feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the action. It might benefit from better integration with the larger story arc.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written, but here are a few suggestions to make it stronger:

1. Add more tension and conflict: The scene could benefit from more tension and conflict between Geppetto and Pinocchio. Perhaps Pinocchio can be more resistant to going to sleep or reluctant to get his new legs. This would add more depth to their relationship and create more interest for the audience.

2. Develop Geppetto's character: Geppetto's character could be further developed to show his love for Pinocchio and his struggles as a father. Perhaps he could have some doubts about his ability to raise Pinocchio or express his grief over losing Carlo.

3. Use sensory description: The scene is set in a bedroom on a rainy night, which provides a great opportunity to use sensory description. Adding more details about the sound of the rain or the feel of the damp air would further immerse the audience in the scene.

4. Connect subplots: The introduction of Spazzaturo and the mention of the carnival could be connected to the larger plot by foreshadowing events that will happen later in the story. For example, Pinocchio could encounter Spazzaturo again and be lured into the carnival, leading to danger and conflict.

5. Show, don't tell: The dialogue between Pinocchio and Cricket can be improved by showing more of their emotions and reactions through actions and descriptions, rather than simply explaining what they are feeling. This would make their conversation more engaging and believable for the audience.



Scene 14 - Count Volpe's Palace
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - SAME

He runs down the town streets-

And heads for a set of ROMANESQUE ruins-
39.


EXT. ROMANESQUE RUINS - SAME

There, a CARNIVAL is setting up around Count Volpe’s puppet
theater...

There’s a MERRY GO ROUND and COTTON CANDY VENDING CARTS and
ticket booths and the FREAK SHOW cart, and a GIRAFFE, AN
ASTROLOGER’s cart and a--

BARREL MAN
Stupid monkey!

Spazz runs past and under a few of the carts and knocks on
the door of an ornate, beautiful one.


INT. COUNT VOLPE LIVING HEADQUARTERS - SAME

A Baroque paradise of rotting suede and leaf of gold and
garish lamps; somewhat like the church’s red interior.

This is Count Volpe’s Palace. And at its center, in a throne-
like chair sits COUNT VOLPE himself: an elegant, sleek
trickster- SATAN himself-

COUNT VOLPE
(grumbling)
I’m coming!

Full of rage, Volpe kicks open the door with a Tex Avery-like
explosion, knocking Spazz to the ground.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
What is it?! What are you doing
here? I told you to put up posters
and draw big crowds! This carnival
is going to pot! And you! Can you
not see how desperate the situation
is!?

Spazz tries to communicate. Count Volpe lifts his SILVER CANE
threateningly!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A... WHAT??

Count Volpe is intrigued.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A “living puppet”? Are you
absolutely sure?

Spazz continues to gesticulate.
40.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
This could get us to the top again.
This could make us kings again!!!


EXT. CARNIVAL - SAME

As if from nowhere we see Spazz playing a small violin. Count
Volpe begins to sing:

COUNT VOLPE (SONG)
We were a King, once
Can we be king, twice?
We were bathing in milk
Played for diamonds and silk.
Once
But we want it twice!

Volpe prances down the steps and grabs Spazz, spinning and
twirling him, half dance partner, half child’s top.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
My show was a magnet, for the crowd
No one could resist Volpe’s crown.

He bounds out of the puppet wagon.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Now the little ones
Now the married ones

He hoists up the TWO-HEADED PERFORMER, then hugs the FAT LADY
and MANGIAFUOCCO together.

Volpe steals a magazine from one of the CARNIVAL WORKERS.

CARNIVAL WORKER #3
Hey!
(He trails off, cursing in
Italian)

COUNT VOLPE
Prefer Garbo
Gardel, Valentino
La voce di Caruso
Jazz on the radio

He rips out the pages highlighting the stars of the day. He
tosses them aside one by one.

Volpe ties Spazz to a bunch of balloons and releases them in
the air. He grabs a rifle from the shooting gallery and
shoots them down before he floats away.
41.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
You were the Kings, once
Mon Dieu was it, nice!
You were knights of the night
Full of glory and might
Once
So let’s get it twice!

Volpe and Spazz stick their heads through holes and pose in a
large carnival cutout board.

Volpe leaps from post to post as the CARNIVAL WORKERS hammer
them in.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Believe in you!
Believe in me!

Song ends.

The bells of the church ring the MATINALE.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Count Volpe and his carnival are introduced as they set up around his puppet theater. Volpe's interest is piqued when he hears of a 'living puppet' from Spazz.
Strengths "Introduces new characters and setting in an interesting way. Count Volpe's character is entertaining and adds an element of mystery."
Weaknesses "The scene drags on a bit too long and doesn't add much to the main plot."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively sets up the world of the carnival and introduces the character of Count Volpe. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved:

- It's not entirely clear what Spazz wants or why he's seeking out Count Volpe. It might help to provide more context or motivation for his actions.
- The song lyrics feel a bit forced and don't add much to the scene beyond exposition. It might be better to find a more organic way to convey the information.
- The Tex Avery-style door explosion feels a bit out of place in the otherwise grounded setting.
- The ending with the church bells ringing feels a bit abrupt and doesn't add much to the scene thematically. It might be better to end on a more impactful note.

Overall though, the scene does a good job of establishing the carnival setting and building intrigue around Count Volpe and his puppet theater.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and has a lot of energy, but a few suggestions to improve it could be:

1. Add more visual description about the carnival. While some details are mentioned, such as the merry-go-round and cotton candy vending carts, it would help to create a more vivid imagery of the lively atmosphere of the carnival.

2. Develop the conflict between Spazz and Count Volpe further. While there is tension between them, it would add more depth to their relationship if some backstory or personal motivation was included.

3. Consider adding more character traits to Count Volpe. While he is described as an elegant, sleek trickster, it would be interesting to see more aspects of his personality outside of his showmanship and business tactics.

4. Add more specific actions to the song lyrics. While the song provides an overall theme, adding more detailed actions or choreography would make the performance more engaging for the audience.

5. Consider the placement of the church bells ringing at the end of the scene. While it provides a nice musical cue, it may interrupt the flow of the scene and could possibly be moved to an earlier or later moment.



Scene 15 - Pinocchio Goes to School and Receives a Gift from Geppetto
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CHURCH - DAY

GEPPETTO
Now let it down. More. That’s it,
that’s it. Just a little
more...Stop.

Geppetto assembles the arm of Christ and then descends on the
rope to an expecting Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
There we go. Ahh, very good, child!
Very good!

He goes to his toolbox.

PINOCCHIO
Papa- there’s something I don’t
understand...

GEPPETTO
What is it, Pinocchio?

PINOCCHIO
Everybody likes him.

GEPPETTO
Who?

Pinocchio points at the Christ.
42.


PINOCCHIO
Him. They were all singing to him-
(beat)
He’s made of wood too... Why do
they like him and not me?

Geppetto is touched by Pinocchio’s innocence.

GEPPETTO
Come here, Pinocchio. People are
sometimes afraid of things they
don’t know- but they’ll get to know
you- and like you. And- and for
that...
(beat)
Are you ready for school?

Pinocchio nods excitedly.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Then, I have something I’d like to
give you. Ta-da!

Geppetto reveals a schoolbook. It is CARLO’S old book: the
name “CARLO” emblazoned on the front.

PINOCCHIO
I love it, Papa! I love it! I love
it!

Pinocchio is overwhelmed with joy.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
What is it?

GEPPETTO
It is a schoolbook... a very
special schoolbook, one which
belonged to a very special boy...

PINOCCHIO
Carlo? The boy you lost?

Geppetto nods.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Was he a very good boy, Papa?

GEPPETTO
Yes, he was.

PINOCCHIO
...And you loved him very much?
43.


GEPPETTO
I did... I, I do.

Pinocchio embraces Geppetto- it is a simple but desperate hug-
immensely moving. True gratitude, the way only a child can
dispense it.

PINOCCHIO
Then I will be just like Carlo! I
will obey and go to school, and I
will be the very, very, best at
whatever they do there! I’ll make
you proud!

Pinocchio promptly turns and marches out of the church.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Off to school, off to school. Going
to school. Going to school. Off to
school...

Geppetto chuckles and smiles tenderly as they march off.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!...


EXT. MAIN PLAZA - DAY

Pinocchio steps out of the church...

Count Volpe and Spazz are hovering in the shadows. Eyes
glinting.

COUNT VOLPE
He exists! Oh, the stringless
wonder exists! You beautiful,
brilliant baboon!!! I must have
him!!
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Family"]

Summary Geppetto builds the arm of Christ and Pinocchio expresses his confusion as to why people like the statue more than him. Geppetto gifts Pinocchio with Carlo's schoolbook, which motivates Pinocchio to attend school and make his father proud. Count Volpe discovers the existence of Pinocchio and plots to obtain him.
Strengths "The bond between Geppetto and Pinocchio is tender and loving, and Pinocchio's reaction to receiving Carlo's schoolbook is heartwarming."
Weaknesses "The introduction of Count Volpe feels a bit sudden and disjointed."
Critique The scene begins with Geppetto assembling the arm of Christ, and it is well described. However, it is not clear why he is doing this. This could be explained through dialogue or action.

When Pinocchio asks Geppetto why people like Christ and not him, it feels like a forced comparison. It could benefit from more nuance and complexity in the answer. The conversation between Geppetto and Pinocchio should be more specific and personalized to their characters.

The scene does a good job of establishing Geppetto's love for Pinocchio and the loss of his former son, Carlo. However, the dialogue could be more naturalistic and less exposition-heavy to convey this information.

The ending with Count Volpe and Spazz feels abrupt and out of place, breaking the emotional connection that had just been established. Additionally, it is not clear why they are interested in Pinocchio or what they plan on doing with him.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more organic dialogue and better integration of the external conflict (Count Volpe and Spazz) with the internal conflict (Pinocchio's search for acceptance).
Suggestions Overall, it's a heartwarming and effective scene that highlights the relationship between Geppetto and Pinocchio, as well as Pinocchio's desire to be accepted. Here are a few suggestions to possibly enhance the scene:

1. Consider adding more visual details to the setting. What does the inside of the church look like? Is it empty or are there other people there? What do the characters look like? These small details can help transport the audience into the scene and make it more immersive.

2. Think about adding some more conflict or tension. Right now, the scene is quite straightforward and feel-good. Perhaps there could be some external conflict, like a bully picking on Pinocchio, or some internal conflict for Geppetto, like doubts about his ability to raise a wooden boy. Adding in some tension can create a more dynamic scene.

3. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue. While the dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions of both Geppetto and Pinocchio, there are some moments where the dialogue seems a bit repetitive. For instance, when Pinocchio is enthusiastically exclaiming his love for the schoolbook, he says "I love it" three times in quick succession. Perhaps cutting down on some of the repeated phrases could make the dialogue feel tighter and more impactful.

4. Lastly, think about ways to add more visual storytelling. Right now, most of the scene is conveyed through dialogue. While this is effective, adding in some visual cues, like close-ups of the schoolbook or shots of Pinocchio's facial expressions, can add layers to the scene and make it more cinematic.

Overall, it's a solid scene, but there are some small tweaks that could possibly enhance it even further.



Scene 16 - Pinocchio Gets Caught Up in the Carnival
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - SAME

Pinocchio runs excitedly through town, towards the school. A
GROUP of KIDS in fascist uniforms pass them by - SINGING A
FASCIST HYMN!!

KID/S
I fight for the land!
I fight for our sea!
I can feel a hand-
It is now guiding me-

Pinocchio heads towards them.
44.


PINOCCHIO
Whoa! Off to school! Off to
school!! Going to school, going to
school.
(he leaps down the stairs)
School! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
What do you learn in school, Mr.
Cricket?

CRICKET
You learn reading and writing! You-
you learn the multiplication
tables!

PINOCCHIO
What’s the mul...mulplitication
tables?

CRICKET
Well... Say you have 4 carts, each
with 27 apples...

PINOCCHIO
I don’t care what the table says; I
have no apples and I refuse to lie!

CRICKET
No no, it’s just math. So you
multiply the 4 and the 7. 4...plus
7... and-- and you get...

PINOCCHIO
I get confused. I don’t think I
like school anymore, Sebastian.

COUNT VOLPE
Ahhh, we have found him! Look,
Spazzatura! Our miracle!

Volpe grabs Pinocchio by the nose and gives him a gentle
twirl.

PINOCCHIO
Hey, watch it!

COUNT VOLPE
Our sensation! Our star!

PINOCCHIO
Who? Me?

COUNT VOLPE
Yes, mon étoile! I am COUNT VOLPE!!
You have been chosen!
(MORE)
45.
COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Come partake in the fun, fanciful,
carefree carnival life as the star
of my puppet show!

Cricket climbs up onto Pinocchio’s shoulder.

CRICKET
Don’t listen to him, Pinocchio! You
promised your Papa you would go to
school!

PINOCCHIO
Oh yeah, I promised my Papa I’d go
to school. See? He gave me Carlo’s
book!

Pinocchio holds up his book with pride. Count Volpe gently
takes it and mockingly admires it.

COUNT VOLPE
CARLO’S book! Yes, yes! A classical
canonical work!!

Count Volpe tosses the book to Spazz, who is not ready for
it. It hits him just as he is about to pounce on Cricket.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
I can see you are intrinsically an
intellectual. But banal book-
learning cannot compare to
witnessing the wide world with
one’s own eyes from atop the
glorious stage!

Volpe lifts Pinocchio up, spinning him around. This causes
Cricket to be thrown off him and onto the ground. Volpe
places Pinocchio on a ledge overlooking the entire town.

PINOCCHIO
Wow...

Spazz takes this opportunity to try and crush Cricket with
the book. He narrowly misses.

CRICKET
Ahh! Wha! Gahh! Whoa! Dear sir!!!

COUNT VOLPE
You shall see ALL the nations of
the earth for yourself as they bow
at your feet!

PINOCCHIO
My brand new feet!
46.


CRICKET
No! No! Wait! You have to go to
school!

PINOCCHIO
Oh- Can we do it tomorrow?

COUNT VOLPE
Regretfully no, for today is the
only day that our cacophonous
carnival will visit your vicinity.
But if you must go to school, then
you must go to school...

They move away.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Come, Spazzatura... we must find
someone else to eat all our ice
cream and popcorn and hot
chocolate...

PINOCCHIO
Hot chocolate??

CRICKET
Oh no.

Spazz lunges at Cricket, but he again manages to avoid him.

COUNT VOLPE
Yes, of course. All the hot
chocolate you can drink! And all
the games you can play!

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Maybe it’ll be
okay if I’m a little bit late for
school...

COUNT VOLPE
Yeah, perfectly fine! No one will
even notice!

Cricket jumps up and down, desperate to get Pinocchio’s
attention.

CRICKET
Don’t listen to him Pinocchio! Wah!

COUNT VOLPE
(smacking Cricket away)
Ah, we have one last detail to take
care of.
47.


He produces a LONG, LOOOOONG contract- which strikes Cricket
as it unfurls, knocking him down the stairs.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Sign, here- here and here. Need a
pen?

CRICKET
No, Pinocchio, don’t!!!

Spazz crushes Sebastian with the book. He cackles with glee.

PINOCCHIO
Like this?

COUNT VOLPE
(signs his own name too)
Perfect!! I will now make you burn
bright like a star! Know any songs,
my boy?

They practically scoop Pinocchio off the ground as they push
him along towards the carnival.

PINOCCHIO
Just one, I’ve got it stuck in my
head.

Spazz takes a last look at Pinocchio’s school book and tosses
it on the ground.

The Cricket lies on the floor: a HEAP.

CRICKET
Oh, the pain! Life is such hideous
pain!

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio excitedly runs through town to attend his first day at school but gets caught up in a carnival hosted by Count Volpe. Despite Cricket's protests, Pinocchio signs a contract to be the star of the puppet show and foregoes school for the day. Meanwhile, Count Volpe plots to obtain Pinocchio for his show.
Strengths "The scene is engaging and introduces new characters and plot developments. The conflict between Pinocchio and Cricket adds tension."
Weaknesses "The fascist song sung by the children might be jarring and feel out of place for some viewers. The scene may be busy and overwhelming for some."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the story forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. The fascist kids singing a hymn seems out of place and doesn't add much to the story.

2. Pinocchio's sudden change of heart towards going to school feels forced and could be better motivated.

3. The dialogue between Pinocchio and Cricket explaining multiplication tables feels clunky and could be streamlined to make it more clear and efficient.

4. The character of Count Volpe could be given more depth and development to make him feel more like a fleshed-out character rather than just a plot device.

5. The action and physical comedy involving Spazz and Cricket are well-written and add a good dose of humor to the scene. However, there could be more opportunities for visual gags and slapstick humor to keep the scene lively and engaging.
Suggestions 1. Consider tightening the dialogue. Some lines feel unnecessarily long and could be condensed for readability and pacing.

2. Think about the visual storytelling of the scene. Could there be more interesting shots or angles to capture the action and emotion of the characters?

3. Work on character development. How could Pinocchio’s and the other characters’ motivations and emotions be more clearly conveyed through their actions and dialogue?

4. Consider the themes and message of the scene. How could they be strengthened or made more impactful?

5. Look for opportunities to add tension or conflict to the scene. Is there any way to make the interaction between Pinocchio and the fascists more threatening or suspenseful?



Scene 17 - Pinocchio's Temptation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CHURCH - DUSK

Later in the day.

Geppetto is just finishing up painting the crucifix. He’s on
his way down, beginning to pack up when:

PODESTÀ
Master Geppetto, would you mind
coming down?

The Podestà enters with the Town Priest.
48.


TOWN PRIEST
Ah! At last, our savior is
restored!

The Podestà does a Roman salute. Geppetto responds,
halfheartedly. In doing so he accidentally tosses his
paintbrush, which lands with a splatter at The Podestà’s
feet. The Podestà turns cold. Scary.

GEPPETTO
Oh- I- I’m so sorry.

PODESTÀ
Your boy- didn’t show up at school
today...

GEPPETTO
But- he left this morning. I...I
sent him there.

PODESTÀ
Obviously, the puppet is quite a
dissident. An independent thinker-
I’d say...

GEPPETTO
Um...uh...uhh...yes.

PODESTÀ
You better look for him. I trust
that we’ll see the wooden boy
tomorrow, at school.

GEPPETTO
Tomorrow, oh yes, yes- of course.

They exit, leaving Geppetto alone.


EXT. CARNIVAL - DUSK

We see the carnival now fully set up. A crowd of people play
at the High Striker, swinging a hammer to test their
strength.


INT. BACKSTAGE PUPPET THEATRE - DUSK

Pinocchio sits backstage, surrounded by POPCORN, SWEETS and
ICE CREAM- HOT CHOCOLATE after a grand day at the carnival.

He is accompanied by 3 fellow puppets: DEVIL, COLUMBINA and
PUNCHINELLO. They are all controlled by Spazz from up above.
49.


We hear VOICES from the puppets, as Pinocchio hears them,
even though Spazz is doing the puppeteering.

PINOCCHIO
Boy! The carnival sure is grand!

Devil offers him some more treats.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
How ‘bout some more popcorn!
Ehehehehe.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, I couldn’t eat another bite,
Mr. Diavolo!

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
(indecipherable monkey
noises)

Pinocchio takes the popcorn and eats it.

PINOCCHIO
(to puppets)
Ughh, I better get going to school
I guess...

SPAZZATURA (AS COLUMBINA)
Stay a while, Pinocchio.

Count Volpe enters.

COUNT VOLPE
A-ha, I am sorry to keep you
waiting, my little puppet!

PINOCCHIO
I don’t like being called a puppet.

Count Volpe starts tying string on Pinocchio’s arms and
legs...

COUNT VOLPE
My boy, puppets are le meilleur qui
soit! The TOPS! Lift your arm.
Puppets are well respected in every
station of life!

PINOCCHIO
But I thought it was best to be a
normal boy.

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, no no NO! People love puppets!!
50.


Spazz manipulates all puppets to attention.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Like Il Diavolo. Columbina.
Punchinello.
(beat)
But of course there is but one
puppet who is KING of them all...

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy, I’d like to meet that guy!

COUNT VOLPE
Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO
Wait?!! That’s ME!

COUNT VOLPE
That’s right! You are a wonder! A
miracle! They’ll love you!

PINOCCHIO
Who?

COUNT VOLPE
Les Idiots! The wonderful children
of the world! Lift your leg.
Everyone shall love you and call
your name! Pinocchio! Pinocchio!
Pinocchio...

As Volpe whisks Pinocchio away, Spazz gets pulled down from
the rafters by the still-attached strings. He hits the ground
hard, letting out an audible grunt of pain.
Genres: ["drama","fantasy"]

Summary Geppetto is confronted about Pinocchio's truancy by the Podestà and Town Priest while at the church. Meanwhile, Pinocchio is lured in by Count Volpe's carnival and agrees to perform as a puppet, ignoring Cricket's protests and his commitment to attending school. Spazz gets injured in the process.
Strengths "The tension in this scene is very palpable, with both Geppetto and Pinocchio facing significant obstacles that push their characters' growth. The introduction of Count Volpe and his carnival lead to a greater sense of danger for Pinocchio's future."
Weaknesses "There could have been more development of the internal struggles Geppetto faces, as his emotions regarding his son Carlo and Pinocchio's safety are touched on but not fully explored. The dialogue in some parts could be more concise."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

- The dialogue between Geppetto and the Podestà feels a bit stilted and unnatural. It could benefit from more nuance and subtext to make it more interesting to watch, and to better convey the tension between the two characters.

- The transition from the church to the carnival feels a bit abrupt and lacks a clear narrative connection. It might help to include a transitional shot or moment that links the two scenes, or to establish a clearer reason for Pinocchio to be at the carnival.

- The dialogue between Pinocchio and the other puppets is playful and entertaining, but it also feels a bit aimless and doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development. It might be more effective to focus on more specific goals or conflicts within this scene to give it more narrative impact.

- The introduction of Count Volpe feels a bit rushed, and it's not entirely clear why Pinocchio is so receptive to his message. More development of this relationship, and a clearer demonstration of Volpe's influence, could help make this scene more compelling and impactful.

Overall, this scene has a strong foundation, but could benefit from more character development and narrative focus to make it more engaging and effective.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Create more tension in the interaction between Geppetto and the Podestà. Right now, the scene feels a bit flat and could benefit from a more heightened sense of drama.

2. Develop Pinocchio's character more. He feels a bit passive and lacks agency in this scene. Providing more insight into his thoughts and feelings could make the audience care more about him.

3. Make Spazz's fall more significant. As it stands, his fall seems like a minor detail that doesn't have much impact on the story. By making it more significant, you can create more stakes and a sense of danger for the characters.

4. Consider adding more visual details to make the scene come alive. This could include descriptions of the church, the carnival, and the backstage area of the puppet theatre. Adding sensory details like smells and sounds can also help the audience immerse themselves in the story.

5. Finally, think about the overall pacing of the scene. Is it engaging enough to keep the audience's attention, or does it drag on too long? By tightening up the dialogue and action, you can keep the story moving forward and maintain the audience's interest.



Scene 18 - Pinocchio performs at the carnival
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. PUPPET THEATER - SAME

COUNT VOLPE (O.S.)
Pinocchio!! The living puppet!

Count Volpe opens the curtains to reveal Pinocchio.

He hangs from his strings, limp and inert.

Scant applause. The audience is cautiously curious.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Violà!

He sees the crowds confusion.
51.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Ohhh?

He hums merrily. Count Volpe brandishes his sword and slices
Pinocchio’s strings.

Pinocchio collapses to the ground, a pile of wood and
strings.

The audience gasps.

Count Volpe takes a VIOLIN and starts the melody of “My Son”.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A one, and a two, and...

Suddenly Pinocchio springs to life. He taps the stage with
his foot. Slowly he starts discovering a little tap dance;
knocking his body parts together to make a rhythm.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
My gum...My gum
I pop my bubble gum
I scream, I cry
For ice cream and for pie.

The audience Aaaah’s and claps vehemently. Pinocchio starts
having fun on stage!


EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - NIGHT

Geppetto looks for Pinocchio with the aid of an oil lamp.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!!! Pinocchio!!!
Pinocchio!!!

He finds the mangled, torn book of Carlo on the road.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No- Carlo’s book? What?

He picks it up and brushes it clean revealing the Cricket
still crushed underneath.

CRICKET
Over there!

Geppetto looks in the direction Cricket has pointed and sees
the lights of the carnival off in the distance. He can just
make out the faint trace of Pinocchio, singing something
strangely familiar.
52.


GEPPETTO
That song...How could he know that
song?

Geppetto takes off running, accidentally stepping on Cricket
and crushing him once again.

CRICKET
Ugh, one nightmare after another.


INT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Geppetto enters the carnival grounds.

He hears the song “My Son” coming from afar.

He heads towards the tent it appears to be coming from and
enters.

There stands Pinocchio on stage.


INT. PUPPET STAGE - NIGHT

Big finale.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
You are everything to me
And I love you
My gum... My gum
I pop my bubble gum
What a treat, I’m standing on my
feet
I’m free as the wind
Oh I’m flying,
Bubbling
Popping
Tapping
Gumming
Your son...

PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO
Your son

PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Is happy to have
53.


PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Fun!

Song ends.

Then HUGE OVATION. The audience loves him!!! Count Volpe’s
eyes light up.

Pinocchio bows to everybody! Count Volpe steps in front of
him.


INT. PUPPET SHOW - NIGHT

COUNT VOLPE
Thanks! Thank you! Thank you! And
all those treats are for sale at
the carnival. Thank you!

Money pours into Count Volpe’s collection box!!!

Geppetto arrives amidst the rapturous applause and showering
of money.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio, what’s all this?? What
are you doing?

PINOCCHIO
Papa! I’m a star, Papa! A star!
They love me! They accept me!

Geppetto swats away one of the many young fans that grasps at
both him and Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO
(grunted)
Oh, what do you...?

Geppetto scoops him up him and starts walking away.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Errr--Enough of this nonsense! You
were supposed to be at school. And
how do you know that song anyway?

Count Volpe continues relishing in the crowd’s applause,
unaware that his star performer is GONE.
54.


Spazz tries to warn him, but Count Volpe is busy collecting
money.

COUNT VOLPE
You simian simpleton!

He finally realizes Pinocchio is gone. He grabs Spazz by the
neck and squeezes him!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
My star! Where is my star??!!
Genres: ["Musical","Fantasy","Comedy"]

Summary Pinocchio performs at a carnival, ignoring his commitment to attend school. Count Volpe discovers the existence of Pinocchio and plots to obtain him. Geppetto searches for Pinocchio and arrives at the carnival. Pinocchio is a huge success on stage and Count Volpe is furious when he realizes Pinocchio is gone.
Strengths "The scene is full of energy and has a clear central conflict. Pinocchio's excitement is infectious."
Weaknesses "The themes of the scene feel simplistic and unexplored. The dialogue is sometimes repetitive and lacks depth."
Critique Overall, the scene effectively conveys the excitement and energy of Pinocchio's performance at the carnival, as well as the tension and danger he faces in the hands of Count Volpe. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

- The dialogue is a bit clunky and heavy-handed at times, especially when Geppetto discovers the torn book and asks "No- Carlo’s book? What?" It may be more effective to show his reaction through his facial expression and body language instead of having him state the obvious.

- The song lyrics for Pinocchio's performance could be more memorable and catchy. The current lyrics feel a bit generic and forgettable.

- The character of Count Volpe could use some more depth and complexity to make him a more compelling villain. Right now he seems like a one-note bad guy who is only interested in making money from Pinocchio's performance. Adding some motivations or backstory could make him a more interesting antagonist.

Overall, the scene has potential but could use some refinement in the writing.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict. Currently, there are no real obstacles for Pinocchio or Geppetto to overcome and the scene lacks a clear antagonist. Introducing a villain or a source of conflict could make the scene more engaging and keep the audience invested in the story.

Additionally, more development and characterization for the supporting characters would enhance the scene. The audience is introduced to Count Volpe and Spazz, but they do not have much depth or personality. Expanding on their motivations and personalities could make them more compelling and increase the stakes of the story.

Finally, refining the pacing could improve the scene. The song and dance sequence goes on for a long time and could benefit from being tightened up, while the search for Pinocchio feels rushed and could be given more attention. Balancing the pacing and making the scene flow more smoothly could make it more enjoyable for the audience.



Scene 19 - Pinocchio's Betrayal
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT

Pinocchio walks away, hand in hand with Geppetto. The crowd
of children follow.

GEPPETTO
You ruined Carlo’s book! And...and
you didn’t go to school- Why? You
promised me you would behave!!
Like...like...like...

PINOCCHIO
Carlo.

GEPPETTO
Yes.

PINOCCHIO
I was going to, Papa- but- but-

Geppetto stops by the road. A truck goes by.

GEPPETTO
Yes, Pinocchio, what?

PINOCCHIO
Ten bandits came out of the bushes
and took-

His nose starts to grow. A small crowd of KIDS has begun to
gather. They clap and applaud, thinking this is still part of
the performance.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
They came out of the bushes and
they- they took the book-

It grows again.
55.


GEPPETTO
Oh, oh I see. And then what
happened?

PINOCCHIO
They had an axe and they- they
wanted- they wanted chocolate- hot
chocolate-

His nose grows some more.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio- you shouldn’t lie to
me!! I am your Papa!!

PINOCCHIO
But I’m telling the truth!!

Nose grows. Crowd grows. The FREAKS, circus performers and
general public gather around.

GEPPETTO
Then why is your nose growing?

PINOCCHIO
It’s NOT!!

Pinocchio’s nose grows so long that it branches out.

GEPPETTO
Lies, lies, and more lies!

PINOCCHIO
(screaming)
I! AM NOT! LYIIIIIIIING!!!!!

Branches bloom with needles and pine cones. The GAWKERS
applaud!!!

GEPPETTO
Will you look at you!
(to the crowd)
Go away! This is not a
spectacle!!!

COUNT VOLPE
BUT IT IS! Unhand my Carissimo, you
carousing...
(spitting out leaves)
kleptomaniac-

He grabs Pinocchio by one arm and Geppetto holds him by the
other.
56.


GEPPETTO
Do not touch him! I made him!

COUNT VOLPE
And I discovered him!

Crowd murmurs, watching the tug of war.

GEPPETTO
He’s not your puppet, he’s mine!!

CRICKET
(interrupting)
Perhaps we should...

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, he is neither! He’s an actor.
MY actor!!

A TRUCK approaches as they start a contest of wills, pushing
and pulling on Pinocchio until-

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Give him to me!

GEPPETTO
Never!

Geppetto pulls one final time-

-and Count Volpe lets go!! Pinocchio (nose in full bloom)
ricochets away and finds himself in the path of the truck.

CRICKET
Oh, dear-

PINOCCHIO
Haha! That was so much fun, Papa!

GEPPETTO
No!

It hits him- square on. Flower petals fly everywhere.

He lands on the ground- nose broken back to normal.

Out of the truck climb the Podestà, his Wife, and Candlewick.

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
(softly)
Oh no.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!
57.


PODESTÀ
He came out of nowhere! T-that’s
what happens when you let children
run wild!

Pinocchio lies on the road. Everyone approaches his body.

PINE NEEDLES FALL GENTLY on the immobile puppet.

The Cricket looks at him mournfully.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Pinocchio was dead. That much was
apparent to any astute observer...
but, little did I know, that death
was not the end.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Pinocchio abandons his school commitment to perform in Count Volpe's carnival. Geppetto, Podestà, and the Town Priest confront Geppetto about Pinocchio's truancy. Meanwhile, Count Volpe discovers Pinocchio and plans to obtain him for his show. Pinocchio is a successful performer while Geppetto searches for him. Count Volpe is angry when he realizes Pinocchio is gone.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between Geppetto and Count Volpe contribute to the stakes. Pinocchio's betrayal and the subsequent tragic event create emotional impact. The imaginative world-building adds to the magic of the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is repetitive, and some scenes drag on too long. Pinocchio's character development is unclear and superficial."
Critique Overall, this scene has strong dramatic elements and tension as it builds towards Pinocchio's tragic accident. The use of the crowd and various characters adds depth to the scene. However, the dialogue could be more polished, as it comes across as clunky and unnatural at times. Additionally, the visuals could be stronger, as the nose growing and pine needles falling could be emphasized more to enhance the impact of the scene. Finally, the transitions between scenes could use more nuance to transition effectively. Overall, there is a solid foundation, but refinement could elevate the scene further.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is pretty well-written, but there are a few suggestions I have for improvement:

1. Clarify the action: The scene is quite chaotic, with different characters talking and tugging on Pinocchio at the same time. It might help to clarify the action by breaking it down into smaller beats and describing who is doing what at each moment. For example, you might write something like, "Geppetto tugs on Pinocchio's left arm while Count Volpe tugs on his right. Pinocchio's nose grows longer and longer as the two men struggle for control."

2. Build tension: There's a lot of chaos in this scene, but it might help to build tension by focusing on the emotions of each character. For example, you might show Geppetto becoming increasingly frustrated with Pinocchio's lies, while Count Volpe grows more and more aggressive in his attempts to claim the puppet. By focusing on the characters' inner emotions, you can make the scene more engaging for the audience.

3. Be mindful of tone: The scene is a bit tonally confusing, with Pinocchio's nose growing longer and longer while the crowd cheers and applauds. If you want the audience to feel the gravity of the situation - Pinocchio's life is in danger, after all - consider toning down the comic elements and focusing more on the drama.

4. Shorten the action: Finally, the scene could benefit from some tightening up. There are a lot of characters and plot points competing for attention, and the scene might be more effective if you focused on the most important moments - Pinocchio's lie, his nose growing, the tug-of-war between Geppetto and Count Volpe, and the final moment of Pinocchio's death. By cutting out some of the extraneous details, you can make the scene more impactful.



Scene 20 - Pinocchio Goes to Limbo
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. EXT. DARKNESS

BLACK RABBITS carry Pinocchio in a coffin. They ascend a
circular mound in the darkness.

RABBITS IN CHORUS
Thou art gone- Thy life hast fled
All shall now bewail thee dead.

The coffin top begins to rattle.

RABBIT 1
Did you hear that?

PINOCCHIO
(gasps)
Who's there?!

RABBIT 3
I thought he was dead?

RABBIT 1
He is dead! I saw the paperwork
myself.

PINOCCHIO
Hello? I'm not dead!

They climb higher and higher.
58.


As they sing, they hear noises coming from inside. They try
to ignore it.

RABBITS IN CHORUS
No more flesh
And no more bone
No more trouble
To bemoan.


INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM

They reach what looks like a bureaucratic office with a
modest card table, four chairs, filing cabinets, a punch
clock and a coffee maker.

All the Rabbits punch the clock.

Pinocchio still in coffin, peeks out to see what’s happening.

Listening to muzak, the Rabbits have sat down to pick up
their poker game.

RABBIT 3
Alright... eh, so where were we?

RABBIT 1
Who's deal?

RABBIT 4
It's my deal, right?

RABBIT 1
Alright boys, ante up!

RABBIT 3
What's the limit again?

RABBIT 2
20's the limit, ya mook.

RABBIT 1 (O.S.)
You got something under there,
don't ya?

RABBIT 2
Not me.

RABBIT 3 (O.S.)
Probably has a leibedik 6.

RABBIT 4 (O.S.)
Hahaha, very funny.
59.


At this Pinocchio slowly emerges from the coffin, curious.

PINOCCHIO
(gasping)
Are you playing a game? Can I play?
I wanna play.

RABBIT 4
Flush! HehHehHeh.

He takes the chips.

All the other Rabbits groan.

Pan to reveal Pinocchio standing next to them.

PINOCCHIO
I wanna play! Please, please,
please!!! Can I play!?

RABBIT 3
What part of dead don't you
understand, schmendrik?

PINOCCHIO
It’s boring in there! I hate being
dead!

A LIGHT begins flashing!!

RABBIT 1
Uh-oh- Now you did it.

PINOCCHIO
What’s that?

RABBIT 4
Processing. Go see the boss, kid.
Through there- you’ll see her.

Pinocchio heads towards a large ornate door on the other side
of the room. The Rabbits return to their poker game.

RABBIT 1
Gimme a friggin’ ace!

RABBIT 2
(laughs)

Pinocchio opens the door and enters.
60.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Pinocchio is carried in a coffin by black rabbits to Limbo Anteroom and stumbles into a bureaucratic office of playing rabbits. They direct him to the boss through a large ornate door.
Strengths "The scene introduces a quirky and fantastical setting of the Limbo Anteroom, with a bureaucracy of playing rabbits. The whimsical tone is consistent throughout the scene and the dialogue is comical."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot development and character arc. Additionally, there is little conflict and emotional impact."
Critique This scene appears to be part of a larger story, but as a standalone scene, it does not provide enough context for the audience. It is unclear why Pinocchio is being carried in a coffin by rabbits or why they are ascending a circular mound. Additionally, the dialogue is somewhat confusing and lacks specificity - it is unclear what kind of paperwork Rabbit 1 saw, for example, or what a "leibedik 6" is.

The worldbuilding is also somewhat inconsistent, as the scene begins in "INT. EXT. DARKNESS," suggesting that they are in an outdoor space, but then transitions to an "INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM" with various objects that would suggest an indoor setting.

More information may be needed to fully evaluate this scene, but as it stands, it lacks clarity and specificity.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest the following improvements to this scene:

1. Provide some context about why Pinocchio is being carried by black rabbits in a coffin to add to the story's coherence.

2. Redesign the limbo anteroom so that it’s more interesting and engaging. A bureaucratic office is overdone; we could make it more consistent with the story's overall tone.

3. Provide more visual descriptions of the scene, especially the character appearances, so that the audience can visualize the characters more easily.

4. Increase the tension in the scene by building up the conflict between Pinocchio, who desires to come back to life, and the rabbits, who want to continue with their poker game.

5. Include more dialogue that will develop the relationship between the rabbits and Pinocchio, making it more intriguing for the audience.

6. Provide more specific descriptions of the door Pinocchio walks through to add to the setting, making it more interesting and engaging.

7. Use a more formal and consistent formatting style so that the scene can be understood more easily.



Scene 21 - Pinocchio Meets Death
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIMBO

It’s all dark.

PINOCCHIO
Hello? Hello?

Two headlamp-like eyes open and illuminate the darkness-

-they cast their light on Pinocchio.

DEATH
Who are you? I feel as though
you’ve been here before.

PINOCCHIO
I am Pinocchio. I’m a boy... and I
think I’m... dead.

DEATH
Ah, yes, I see. The wooden
boy...with the borrowed soul. My
sister’s folly.

Light fades slowly, revealing a beautiful Sphinx with a
silver mask identical to the Wood Sprite’s (Again, subtly
reminiscent of Carlo’s mother’s face). This is DEATH.

DEATH (CONT’D)
The sentimental fool. She gave you
life, Pinocchio- when you were not
supposed to have it- NO more than a
chair or a table should. As a
result... You cannot truly- truly-
die...

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy, oh, boy- And...and that’s
GOOD, right?!

DEATH
Well- it means that you are not-
nor will ever be- a real boy like
Carlo.
(beat)
The one thing that makes human life
precious and meaningful, you see,
is death.

Death reaches down and grabs a handful of sand.

PINOCCHIO
Oh...
61.


DEATH
Don’t get me wrong- you will die
many, many times-

She lets it flow through her fingers.

She taps the plinth she lays upon, activating a set of
increasingly large hourglasses.

DEATH (CONT’D)
(clears throat)
This being one of them. But they
are not REAL deaths. Just waiting
periods. There are rules, you see,
despite my sister’s disregard for
them.

She sets down the first one- a tiny hourglass.

DEATH (CONT’D)
We will both have to wait for the
sand to run out.
(beat)
You will stay here, with me, a
little longer each time you cross-
until the end of time.

The sand has almost run out.

PINOCCHIO
And then? After that sand runs out?

DEATH
I will simply send you back. Every
time.

PINOCCHIO
I see. Well, in that case, I’d like
to ask you ONE thing--
Ahhhhhhh!

THE TIMER RUNS OUT.

DEATH
See you next time.

A black hole opens under Pinocchio and he falls down.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio finds himself talking to Death about his wooden existence and learns that he cannot die. Death shows him the hourglasses of their existence, and Pinocchio is sent back every time he 'dies.'
Strengths "Compelling Dialogue, Fascinating World-building, Strong Character Development, Clear Theme"
Weaknesses "Limited Action, Slow-Paced"
Critique Overall, this scene sets up an interesting concept and dynamic between Pinocchio and Death, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue could be strengthened. While there are some moments of humor and tension, some of the lines come across as too on-the-nose, such as when Death explicitly explains the rules of the hourglasses and Pinocchio’s fate. Finding a more subtle way to convey this information could make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Additionally, there could be more sensory detail included to enhance the atmosphere of Limbo. As it is, the scene feels a bit sparse and could benefit from more description of the setting and the physical actions of the characters.

Finally, the ending could be revised to make it more impactful. While the sudden timer running out creates a moment of surprise, it doesn’t feel like much of a climax or resolution. Adding more tension or consequence to the exchange between Pinocchio and Death could make for a more satisfying conclusion.

Overall, this scene has potential but could be elevated with some tweaks to the dialogue, description, and structure.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well written and establishes the stakes for Pinocchio's journey. However, there are a few ways it could be improved:

1. Establish the setting: At the beginning of the scene, it's unclear where Pinocchio is or what Limbo looks like. Adding some description here would help the audience visualize the scene.

2. Be more concise: Some of the dialogue, particularly Death's explanation of the hourglasses, feels a bit repetitive. Tightening up the dialogue and cutting unnecessary exposition would make the scene feel more impactful.

3. Give Pinocchio more agency: While Pinocchio asks Death a question at the end of the scene, he mostly just listens to Death's exposition. Giving him something to do or a goal to work towards would make the scene more engaging.

4. Consider adding visual interest: The scene mostly consists of two characters talking in a dark space. Adding some visual elements, like interesting props or lighting, could make the scene more visually engaging.



Scene 22 - Pinocchio's Resurrection
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. DOCTOR’S HOME - NIGHT

Pinocchio lies on a table. The DOCTOR examines his chest,
looking for a heartbeat.
62.


Everyone waits around: Count Volpe, Geppetto, the Podestà,
Candlewick, Spazz, Podestà’s Wife, etc.

DOCTOR
No- No-

CRICKET
Oh, Pinocchio.

DOCTOR
(looks for a pulse again)
Niente-

Sebastian watches nervously from above.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)
There’s not much we can do. I’m
afraid: The body is rigid.

GEPPETTO
But he’s always been rigid! He’s
made of wood!!

COUNT VOLPE
Even if he’s dead- I could still
book him...

GEPPETTO
How dare you, sir? Show some
respect!!

COUNT VOLPE
YOU show respect! To me and my
projected quarterly earnings!

PODESTÀ
Gentleman, please. This is no time
for your petty grievances.

Spazz mocks the Podestà.

The Town Priest says a prayer and throws holy water on
Pinocchio.

DOCTOR
How do you intend to dispose of the
dead body?

PINOCCHIO
A dead body? Where?

THEY ALL TURN!!! The women gasp in fright.
63.


GEPPETTO
Pinocchio! You’re alive!!

PODESTÀ
(interrupts)
He is immortal!!

COUNT VOLPE
Long live the arts!!

PODESTÀ’S WIFE/DOCTOR’S WIFE
(crossing themselves)
It’s a miracle!!!

PINOCCHIO climbs down. Staggers a bit. Geppetto steadies him.

GEPPETTO
Take it easy, my child. Lean on me.
We- we are going home!!

COUNT VOLPE
Eheheh, wait a moment!! I have a
legally binding contract!!

He produces his LONG LOOOONG contract.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Signed by both artist and
management.

Geppetto stares at the signatures with bewilderment.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
He either performs or you owe me-
ten million lira!!

GEPPETTO
Well, that’s ridiculous!! It’s just
a smiling sun!!

COUNT VOLPE
It’s still his signature, is it
not??!!

PINOCCHIO
I drew that!!

Spazzatura chuckles manically.

COUNT VOLPE
A-ha! I demand full restitution
before the law!! Including
transportation, transmutation, all
the future representation...
64.


The Podestà pushes in to get to Pinocchio!!

PODESTÀ
Our country comes first! This boy
cannot be killed!! He is the ideal
soldier!! He must be drafted into
the youth camps- by law!!

He salutes, everybody salutes (two or three times).

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
(to Pinocchio)
You will learn to fight and fire a
weapon and be a real Italian boy!

GEPPETTO
We...we must go- we truly must go.
We will all speak later, I am
sure!!

COUNT VOLPE
Not to me, sir!! Speak to my
lawyers!!
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio's supposed death creates chaos, involving various characters who have their own interests and motivations; he is then revealed to be alive and the source of their conflict.
Strengths "Creative concept, sharp satirical writing, quick pacing, memorable characters."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on dialogue, which may be tiring for some viewers. The stakes could be higher."
Critique Overall, this scene has potential but could use some work. The dialogue is somewhat scattered and could be tightened up to better serve the story and characters. Here are a few specific suggestions:

- The Doctor's examination of Pinocchio could be more visually interesting. Right now, it only says he's "looking for a heartbeat." Perhaps there could be some medical equipment involved or other actions the Doctor takes to try to revive Pinocchio. This would also give the other characters more to react to.

- The argument between Count Volpe and Geppetto feels a bit forced. It's not clear why Volpe would be so invested in keeping Pinocchio to perform, especially if they think he's dead. What is his motivation here? Additionally, Geppetto's line about the smiling sun doesn't quite make sense in context.

- The bit about Pinocchio being drafted into youth camps seems out of left field. Why is this suddenly happening now? Is it related to the fact that they thought he was dead? It would be helpful to have more context here.

- Some of the jokes fall flat, such as Spazz's mocking of the Podestà. This could be reworked or cut.

- Lastly, the ending with Count Volpe insisting on payment for Pinocchio's "signature" feels a bit anticlimactic. Is there a way to heighten this tension or add a twist to the scene?
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. The pacing of the scene is very slow and there is not much tension or excitement. Consider adding more urgency to the moment and making the audience feel like Pinocchio's life is truly at stake.

2. The dialogue feels heavy-handed and unnatural. It may be helpful to read the lines out loud and see if they sound like something a real person would say.

3. The characters are all speaking at the same time and it's hard to keep track of who is saying what. Try giving each character a clear, distinct voice and make sure their dialogue is easy to follow.

4. Consider adding some visual elements to the scene to make it more interesting to watch. For instance, you could show close-ups of Pinocchio's chest as the doctor examines him, or show the reactions of each character as they hear the news that Pinocchio might be dead.

5. Finally, try to find a way to build to a satisfying conclusion to the scene. As it is currently written, it ends very abruptly and doesn't leave the audience with a clear sense of what's going to happen next. Consider adding a cliffhanger or some kind of twist that will make the audience want to keep watching.



Scene 23 - Pinocchio's Plan
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. BIRCH WOODS - NIGHT

Geppetto and Pinocchio walk through the woods. Geppetto is
cold, clutching/rubbing his arms, Pinocchio entirely
unbothered by the frosty night air.

GEPPETTO
(heartbroken)
What a day, what a day...

PINOCCHIO
A fun day!

GEPPETTO
What will we do??

PINOCCHIO
Oh, don’t worry, Papa! I’ll go to
war! It sounds quite fun! I can
learn to fight and- and fire a
weapon and- march like -

GEPPETTO
(on verge of tears)
No, Pinocchio, war is not fun! War
is not good! War... war took Carlo
away from me...
65.


PINOCCHIO
Then I simply won’t go!

GEPPETTO
(getting frustrated)
But you HAVE to go now. It’s the
law!

PINOCCHIO
Even when it’s something bad?

GEPPETTO
Yes, we ALL have to obey the law,
whether we like it or not!!

PINOCCHIO
Why?

GEPPETTO
I...I don’t have time- or patience
enough to explain that to you.
I...I owe that man a fortune
and...and you, you will be taken
far away and recruited into
military youth camps, and
now...now, now look what you’ve
turned me into. I made you to be
like Carlo! Why can’t you be more
like Carlo?!

Geppetto is spent, exhausted- his eyes tear-stained.
Pinocchio blubbers, understandably heartbroken.

PINOCCHIO
Because I’m NOT Carlo! I don’t
wanna be like Carlo! Carlo is...

GEPPETTO
Enough!!!
(beat)
You are such a burden.

Geppetto shakes his head, defeated.

He walks away, saddened. Pinocchio stays behind. He is
crushed.

Cricket, who has just caught up with them, stares sadly at
Pinocchio, heartbroken for the boy.

Geppetto keeps walking, tear-stained.

FADE OUT / IN:
66.


INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - NIGHT

Geppetto is sound asleep. Pinocchio lies awake. Tossing and
turning in his bed. A tear rolls down his cheek. He looks
longingly at his father.

PINOCCHIO
(to himself)
His nose didn’t grow.

CRICKET
What’s that?

PINOCCHIO
When he called me a burden- his
nose didn’t grow. That’s how he
really feels...
(sniffs)
I don’t want to be a burden... I
don’t want to hurt Papa and make
him want to yell at me like that...

CRICKET
Oh, Pinocchio- sometimes fathers
feel despair- like everybody else-
and they say things- things they
only THINK they mean in the moment.
But with time they learn that- that
they never really meant it at all.
Do you understand?

PINOCCHIO
(Excited gasp!)

Pinocchio leaps out of bed.

CRICKET
Hey! Hey! Where are you going?

CUT TO:


INT. GEPPETTO’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT

Pinocchio is excitedly climbing down the steps.

PINOCCHIO
I’ve got a plan!

CRICKET
Pinocchio, what-- what are you
doing?
67.


PINOCCHIO
You’ll see. I am going to the
carnival! That way I can help Papa
AND I won’t go to war!

He leans on Geppetto’s WORK TABLE and pulls a pencil and a
piece of paper. The Cricket jumps onto the desk.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
I’ll leave him a note, explaining
everything.

CRICKET
No, Pinocchio- don’t do this!!

Pinocchio draws a SMILING/LAUGHING SUN. The Cricket smiles.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Aw- that’s-

SLAM!! Pinocchio puts an upside glass and a heavy hammer on
top- the Cricket is trapped!!

CRICKET (CONT’D)
No! No!--
No! No! Don’t do this!

PINOCCHIO
You tell him, that I will send him
money. And tell him, I love him-
and I won’t be a burden anymore...

Through the distorted glass, the Cricket sees Pinocchio
leaving!!

CRICKET
No!!!

He starts pushing the glass with all his might- moves it
nearer and nearer to the edge of the table.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio plans to run away from his school and perform in a carnival to avoid going to war. Geppetto and Pinocchio argue about the law and Pinocchio feeling like a burden. Pinocchio decides to leave a note for Geppetto and the cricket tries to stop him, but gets trapped under a glass. Pinocchio leaves for the carnival, determined to send Geppetto money and prove he's not a burden.
Strengths "The scene effectively conveys Pinocchio's desperation and determination to prove himself. The strained relationship between Pinocchio and Geppetto also adds emotional depth to the scene."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed and clich\u00e9, particularly during Geppetto and Pinocchio's argument."
Critique Overall, there are some good elements in this scene, but there are also areas that can be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Geppetto and Pinocchio comes across as quite choppy and disjointed in places. It would benefit from some smoother transitions and more natural, flowing language.

Additionally, Geppetto's sudden outburst towards Pinocchio at the end of the scene feels quite abrupt and out of character, given the gentle and nurturing role he has played up until this point. If this is a deliberate character choice, then it needs to be set up more effectively earlier in the scene.

Finally, the action beats and on-screen descriptions (such as "Geppetto shakes his head, defeated") would be better conveyed through more subtle character blocking and expressive acting. Less is often more when it comes to incorporating stage directions into a screenplay.

Overall, with some refining and tightening, this scene has potential to be emotionally impactful and further the plot of the story effectively.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more specific and emotional dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations. It would also be helpful to clarify the location and actions of the characters, as it's not entirely clear what they are doing in the woods or how they got there.

Here are some specific suggestions for improvement:

- Add more descriptive language to set the scene and create a mood. For example, describe the frosty air in more detail or use sensory language to describe the woods.
- Consider making Geppetto and Pinocchio's dialogue more distinct. Right now, their voices sound fairly similar, which can make the scene feel flat. Think about what their individual motivations are in this scene and how that would affect the way they speak.
- Geppetto's outburst about Carlo feels somewhat forced and out of place. Consider finding a way to work in his past history with Carlo in a more natural way, perhaps through a brief flashback or a reference earlier in the script.
- It's not entirely clear why Pinocchio suddenly decides to go to the carnival. Adding more context for this decision would make it feel more natural.
- The Cricket's dialogues feels somewhat generic and doesn't add much to the scene. Consider finding ways to make him more unique and interesting as a character.



Scene 24 - Pinocchio Runs Away
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT

Cold winds blow as Pinocchio knocks on Count Volpe’s door.
Footsteps are heard- cursing and then the door pops open.

Count Volpe- sword in hand- half-awake!!

COUNT VOLPE
What is that!! What do you want in
the middle of the-
(MORE)
68.
COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
(sees Pinocchio)
My beloved star!!! How can I be of
assistance??

PINOCCHIO
(shivering)
If I work for you- will you forget
the money you want from my Papa?

Spazzatura peeks from behind Count Volpe’s legs, jealous!

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, absolutely, my dear boy!

PINOCCHIO
And will you send him my share of
the profits??

COUNT VOLPE
HehHeh, clear accounting all the
way!! Fifty-fifty right down the
middle!!

Volpe draws a line in the sand.

They shake hands, vigorously.

SPAZZATURA BARES HIS TEETH to Pinocchio.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Everybody up!!!!

Lights turn on in every caravan!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
We’re leaving!!!


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - SAME

The Cricket manages to push the glass and now there is an
opening.

He maneuvers himself out of the glass- The fall is enormous,
but he will brave it.

But the glass tilts and falls, bringing the Cricket down with
it!!

They crash on the floor below!! And the HAMMER follows.

CRICKET
Ahhh...
69.


The hammer just misses him. Cricket is alive!

Cricket starts to walk away, but the hammer teeters.

It falls and crushes him!

CRICKET (CONT’D)
The pain- ughh...

CUT TO:


INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - MORNING

Next morning. Geppetto wakes in bed, groggy. He puts on his
glasses and looks to Pinocchio’s bed.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio- Son- I just wanted to
say...

The bed is empty. A moment of regret. Dread...


INT. WORKSHOP - MORNING

Geppetto walks down the stairs.

Pinocchio isn’t there.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio?

Geppetto looks under workbench, etc.

Finds the Cricket and the broken glass.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Oh, little Cricket...

Geppetto reaches down and gently picks him up.

Geppetto’s eyes discover the handwritten note with crudely
drawn SMILING SUN FACE.

CRICKET
(coming to)
He’s gone...to the carnival!

CUT TO:
70.


EXT. ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE / RUINS - MORNING

Geppetto rushes through the outskirts of TOWN. DESPERATE!
Rushing towards the carnival.

Geppeto arrives:

The lot is now vacant: cars and trucks are gone- ground is
crisscrossed by the tire tracks.

Geppetto looks around, in terror.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!! Pinocchio!! Pinocchio!!
Oh- oh- How will I ever find
him??!!

CRICKET
Oh, now you want to find him. After
all the things you said? After you
called him a burden. A burden!? Why
are you so blind? So, absolutely
blind? The boy loves you- he has
much to learn, but he loves you for
who you are. Would it kill you to
do as much for him?? You should
start acting like a father- a real
father. Not an old, stubborn goat-
who is so busy moaning and crying
about his losses- me, me, me, poor
me- that he cannot see the love he
actually HAS.

GEPPETTO
It’s a schedule...
(exhales)

CRICKET
I may be a bug, sir- but I have a
thing or two to teach you
about...Hey!! Where are you going?

Geppetto has picked up a flyer of-

-COUNT VOLPE’s MARVELOUS MARIONETTES!! On it are the dates
and locations of the upcoming shows.

GEPPETTO
After my son!

He dashes off, waving the flyer excitedly.
71.


CRICKET
Excuse me- If I may- Perhaps we
should- Wait!!

Cricket follows.

CUT TO:


MUSICAL MONTAGE
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Drama","Family"]

Summary Pinocchio runs away to join a carnival, leaving a note for Geppetto. Geppetto discovers the note and, with the help of the Cricket, sets off to find Pinocchio at the carnival.
Strengths "The scene shows Pinocchio's determination to avoid being drafted into the army and the lengths he goes to escape. The portrayal of Geppetto's desperation to find Pinocchio is also a strong point of the scene. "
Weaknesses "The dialogue, while not terrible, could have been better. The scene could also be slightly improved by adding more conflict to it. "
Critique This scene has quite a bit going on, and overall it could benefit from some streamlining and clarity. Here are some notes:

- There's a lot of exclamation points in the dialogue, which can come across as too much and take away from the impact of the words themselves.
- The opening scene description could be more specific - "cold winds blow" is a bit vague, and it would be helpful to know what kind of carnival this is (big or small, rundown or vibrant, etc.).
- Pinocchio's dialogue about working for Count Volpe could use more motivation - why is he willing to work for this person he doesn't know in order to save his father? It's also unclear what kind of work he'd be doing.
- The interaction between Spazzatura and Pinocchio could be clearer - why is Spazzatura jealous, and does it affect the rest of the scene?
- The jump from the carnival to Geppetto's workshop is a bit jarring - it might benefit from a clear transition or smoother segue.
- The Cricket's escape from the glass and subsequent injury feel a bit rushed and hard to follow.
- The shot of Geppetto waking up and discovering Pinocchio's absence is well-done and emotional, but it's not clear why he thinks Pinocchio is at the carnival right away.
- The Cricket's speech to Geppetto feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from a more naturalistic tone - it's a lot of exposition to convey in a short amount of time.
- The musical montage at the end feels abrupt - it's not clear why Count Volpe's marionettes are relevant or what kinds of locations Geppetto is visiting.

Overall, there's potential in this scene, but it needs some work to hone its focus and clarify its intentions.
Suggestions - The scene could benefit from more visual description and action. For example, instead of just saying "cold winds blow," show the characters shivering or rubbing their arms for warmth. Also, use more specific details to create a clearer picture of the carnival and the characters' surroundings.

- Instead of having Count Volpe agree to Pinocchio's request too easily and with little resistance, add some tension and conflict to the conversation. This will make it more interesting and realistic.

- The introduction of Spazzatura could be expanded upon to show the audience why he is jealous and what his relationship is with Count Volpe and Pinocchio.

- The montage at the end could benefit from more specific and emotional shots that convey the urgency and importance of Geppetto's search for Pinocchio. Use music and visual cues to heighten the tension and suspense.



Scene 25 - Pinocchio's Journey Continues
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. ROAD - DAY

A SWEET VOICE RISES in the soundtrack, Pinocchio singing a
PURE, ITALIAN HYMN!! Music carries over the next scene.

PINOCCHIO
Ciao Papa
Mio Papa
Time has come to say farewell
For how long will I go? Is it far?
No one knows, no one can tell

Geppetto tries to hitch a ride on a country road.

A sign nearby reads ALLESANDRIA - 50km

A truck speeds by, not slowing down.

GEPPETTO
Wait! Wait! Wait!!


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio is on stage, singing to the crowd.

PINOCCHIO
If I am gone for a long, long,
time,
I’ll pack away a fine piece of
shine,
The sound of birds chirping with
bells,
Drawings of plums, two bags of
shells,
The smell of bread, a drop of wine,
Your memory, father of mine.
Farewell
My Papa

CUT TO:
72.


INT. TRUCK - DUSK

Volpe, Pinocchio and Spazz drive to the next town. Pinocchio
looks at a map, tracking their progress.


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio dances around on stage with Columbina.

Spazz looks down at the scene with disdain.

Pinocchio happily signs autographs after the show, while
Volpe collects money from the crowd.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT: FAIRGROUNDS - MORNING

A coin lies buried in the dirt.

Geppetto reaches down and picks it up, brushing it off.

He looks around at the now empty area. He has just missed the
carnival.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. ROAD - DAY

Pinocchio looks out the window and waves to a crowd of fans
below from the caravan.

CUT TO:


EXT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio on stage singing.

PINOCCHIO
Ciao Papa
Mio Papa
Time has come to say farewell
I am ready to go. Going far.
Now I know it will be swell

Spazz glares at him from behind a curtain. Jealous.

CUT TO:
73.


INT. TRAIN - NIGHT

Geppetto and Cricket ride a train to the next town. Cricket
wipes the fog from the window so he can look out. Geppetto
studies a map, then stares out into the distance as well.

CUT TO:


INT. PUPPET WAGON - DAY

Pinocchio stares wistfully out the window as they travel to
the next town.

Volpe sits drinking his tea. He offers a sort of “cheers” in
Pinocchio’s direction.

PINOCCHIO
I shall be gone for a long, long,
time,
Shall be picking many peaks to
climb
Maybe I’ll see a camel cry.
Dangerous pirates with a black eye
Rain or shine, I’ll keep in my mind
Your memory, father of mine.
Farewell
My Papa


DISSOLVES BETWEEN POINT IN A MAP. SIGNALING THE JOURNEY-
THROUGHOUT THE MONTAGE.

CUTAWAY TO:


EXT. URBAN SETTING - DAY

A city somewhere. A FATHER and SON gaze enthusiastically at a
poster on the wall. Pinocchio and Count Volpe are prominently
featured.

Behind them, Spazz pastes the same poster on a wall with his
tail.

Pinocchio is supposed to be helping him but just gazes sadly
at the father and son instead.

We FADE from the poster image of Pinocchio to:


EXT. URBAN SETTING - NIGHT

Pouring rain.
74.


Geppetto stares at that same poster some time later.

It is now faded and torn, partially covered by new posters.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio, performing. The crowd throws flowers on the stage
as the curtains close.

Volpe stands in the wings, enthralled.

Spazz watches them from the catwalk above. He throws the
cross braces in disgust.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. FORREST - DAY

Geppetto trudges along and comes across a pine cone.

He picks it up holding it in his hands.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

Pinocchio holds a pine cone in his hands.

He sits on the steel girders of a power line tower.

Far off in the distance the faint sound of explosions can be
heard.

CUT TO:
Genres: []

Summary Pinocchio runs away to join a carnival and Geppetto chases after him to bring him back home. Pinocchio continues to perform in many shows and has become a successful performer while Geppetto attempts to catch up to him.
Strengths "-Effective use of montage showcases Pinocchio's journey towards independence and success\n-Strong themes of love and family\n-Nostalgic, sentimental tone"
Weaknesses "-Limited dialogue and character development\n-Low conflict and stakes\n-Limited plot advancement"
Critique The transition from Pinocchio singing the Italian hymn to Geppetto trying to hitch a ride on a country road is a bit abrupt. There could have been a smoother connection between the two scenes. Additionally, the scene where Geppetto finds the coin in the dirt feels unnecessary and doesn't add much to the story.

The use of montages to show the characters' journeys is effective, but some of the scenes within the montages could have been more visually interesting or meaningful. For example, the scene where Pinocchio holds a pine cone in his hands could have been developed further to show his emotional state or add to the story in some way.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more vivid descriptions and details to make the story come alive and engage the audience.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is a bit disjointed and jumps around in terms of location and time. Here are some suggestions to improve the flow and clarity of the scene:

1. Consider starting the scene with Geppetto already on the road, trying to hitchhike. This will establish the setting and his situation before jumping to Pinocchio on stage.

2. Try to establish a clearer timeline of events. For instance, it's unclear how much time has passed between Geppetto missing the carnival and Pinocchio's performances. Providing some indication of this will help to create a more coherent narrative.

3. Consider adding more specific details to the scene descriptions. For instance, in the scene where Pinocchio is singing on stage, it would be helpful to know what the stage looks like, what the lighting is like, and what the audience is doing.

4. Try to connect the scenes more fluidly. For instance, instead of using DISSOLVE TO for every transition, consider using more active transitions such as CUT TO or FADE OUT.

5. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. As it is, it's mostly just Pinocchio performing and Geppetto traveling. Adding some obstacle or challenge to their journeys will create more drama and engagement for the audience.



Scene 26 - Pinocchio Performs for Il Duce
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. TOWN BRIDGE - NIGHT

PINOCCHIO
And as I gambol on my long, long,
climb, I hold on tight to our best
of times.
Eyes in the rain, I try to hide
Tears of a boy who shouldn’t cry.
Forevermore, I’ll keep in mind
Your memory, father of mine.
Farewell
My Papa.
75.


Back at town. Cold dark night. Candlewick leans against a
building. The Podestà is by his side. Podestà’s Wife is
standing further away, teary eyed.

Headlights of a truck illuminate them.

The truck is eerily quiet. Its wheels are wrapped with rags.
It stops a couple yards from Candlewick. We faintly see the
silhouette of The Driver.

Candlewick looks to his mother. She rushes towards him and
gently places her SCARF around his neck. She kisses him on
the forehead and smiles sadly.

Candlewick tightens the scarf, looks to his father and nods,
and climbs into the back of the truck. Candlewick salutes as
the truck departs.

CUT TO:


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio stands backstage, alone. On his head sits a red
helmet. A rifle is slowly LOWERED to him from above.

He has a look of resignation on his face.

Curtains open. Spotlight hits. He puts on his happy show
face. Pinocchio rolls out on the tank.

PINOCCHIO
I fight for the land
I fight oversea!
I’ll fight up to the end
Glory to Italy!

Around Pinocchio dancing marionettes appear; it’s a chorus
line! A showstopper!!

The audience applauds. The theatre is full. Count Volpe is
sweating as-

Spazz puppeteers with all his might!!!

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
The flag in hand
For Fatherland
Il Duce, Il Duce
We sing out and we pray
The horizon in sight
Stand up, follow the light

Volpe stands in the wings, beaming with pride.
76.


A wired eagle drops from the eaves and Pinocchio climbs
aboard.

PINOCCHIO (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Like an eagle soaring, magnificent
and free
I’ll be marching, marching on the
path to victory
We are brave! We are young!
Italia! Be jolly
Italia! We are strong

A giant Mussolini backdrop flies in.

The puppets march furiously.

Cannons full of confetti explode!

APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!

The curtains close.

Count Volpe steps out on stage, script in hand. He bows
repeatedly.

COUNT VOLPE
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Viva Benito Mussolini, nostra Duce!
Viva! Viva!! Viva!!!

He holds up the script and kisses it.


INT. BACKSTAGE PUPPET THEATRE - CONTINUOUS

Off in the wings, Pinocchio remains stuck on the eagle,
exhausted.

CUT TO:


EXT. PIER - DAY

Geppetto runs along the pier, as fast as he can. He slows,
out of breath, and we see the ship to CATANIA.

It has just left.


INT. SHIP - NIGHT

Count Volpe is counting money. Pinocchio gazes out to sea.
77.


COUNT VOLPE
Another great week, my boy!! Just
one last stop.

PINOCCHIO
Don’t forget to send my share of
the money back home to Papa.

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, I wouldn’t DREAM of forgetting!
See? Fifty-fifty-

Count Volpe separates the earnings into an equal piles.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Minus expenses, transportation and
promotion.

He divides it in half and that half in half and half of that.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Tomorrow, we go to a small town by
the sea- CATANIA. And there we will
perform for his excellency: Il
Duce!

Volpe produces an OFFICIAL, SEALED TELEGRAM from his pocket.

PINOCCHIO
Il Dolce?

COUNT VOLPE
No, my brightest star. Our fearless
leader: Il Duce, Benito Mussolini!!
He heard of your act and he’s
coming to see us. Ha!

He holds the telegram up for Pinocchio to see. Pinocchio
yawns, unexcited.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
He and I are very close. Here we
are in Roma...

He unfolds a photo wallet.

The photo shows Volpe amidst the crowd (a selfie) with
Mussolini in the distance.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
That’s him back there...
(beat)
You will make me- and your Papa- so
proud!!
78.


Pinocchio nods and smiles, then gazes back out to sea.

PINOCCHIO
Proud...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","War","Musical"]

Summary Pinocchio performs in a show for an audience, including Il Duce, while Geppetto tries to catch up to him on a ship.
Strengths "Musical number is a strong point of the scene, with a catchy song and impressive choreography. The tension between Pinocchio's ambitions and Geppetto's fears is well-captured."
Weaknesses "Pinocchio's lack of reaction to performing for Il Duce or receiving the telegram seems a bit unrealistic given the context and historical context."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have personal opinions but I can provide feedback on the scene from a technical perspective.

The scene appears to be well-written and has a clear direction. The use of visuals to give a sense of the setting and keep the story moving is effective. The use of dialogue is also well thought out and adds depth to the characters. However, it may be a bit too long and detailed, with unnecessary information that slows down the pace. The scene could be tightened up with some editing and condensing. Additionally, it is important to make sure that the audience can emotionally connect with the characters and the story, as well as ensuring that it fits within the overall structure of the script.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more clarity in its storytelling. Here are some specific suggestions:

- The transition from Pinocchio singing on the bridge to Candlewick getting into the truck could use a smoother visual transition. Right now, the scene cuts to "Back at town" without any clear indication of where we are or how we got there. You could add a shot of the truck approaching the town from a distance, or a shot of Candlewick walking towards it, to help the audience orient themselves.

- The description of the truck is a little confusing - its wheels are wrapped with rags? Why? Consider clarifying this detail or removing it altogether if it's not important. Additionally, we don't get a clear enough look at the driver or the silhouette of the truck, which takes away from the tension of the scene. Consider describing these elements in more detail or finding a way to increase the visibility of the characters.

- Pinocchio's transition from singing on the bridge to performing in the theatre happens very abruptly. Consider adding a clearer way of indicating that time has passed, such as a fade out or a cut to a clock. Additionally, the description of Pinocchio wearing a helmet and holding a rifle comes out of nowhere - it needs more context to make sense to the audience.

- The performance itself could use more detail and emphasis on the emotional stakes. Right now, it's described briefly with a lot of exclamation marks, but we don't get a sense of what the audience is feeling or how Pinocchio is performing in relation to his emotions. Consider adding more sensory details, such as the sound of the audience's applause or the emotions on Pinocchio's face. You could also add more dialogue from Count Volpe to emphasize the importance of this performance.

- The final shot of Pinocchio on the ship doesn't quite land emotionally, and it's not clear what the significance of him saying "proud" is. Consider adding a brief scene or line of dialogue that connects this moment back to Pinocchio's motivations and character arc. For example, you could show him looking at a photo of Geppetto and saying the line to himself, to emphasize that his desire to make his father proud is what's driving him forward.



Scene 27 - The Chase
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. PIER

Geppetto (Cricket in backpack pocket) walks down an old pier.
Most ships are DOCKED.

Out at sea, explosions can be seen far off in the distance.

Geppetto stands before a ship captain, shows him the flyer-
and points at the name of a SEA TOWN: CATANIA.

GEPPETTO
Eh- Excuse me, sir? Catania. Do- do
you go there? Can- can you take me
there? Please? It’s just across the
strait.

CAPTAIN
That's not the sea out there, it's
a graveyard.

GEPPETTO
Oh dear- Oh- Oh...

CAPTAIN
The Dogfish, risen from the icy
depths to take its tribute in blood
and steel. A monster, the size of
twenty ships. Full of hunger and
rage.

CRICKET
Oh please...that’s just children’s
stories.

GEPPETTO
Captain, my son is on the other
side of the gulf. He is performing
tomorrow!!

Geppetto gives him a few silver coins.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
This is all I have in the world.
(beat)
Take it. It-- It’s yours. I just
want to see him again.
79.


The captain considers.

CUT TO:


INT. PUPPET STAGE

Pinocchio is practicing his routine. Pinocchio dances, but
falters. He is tired- weak.

COUNT VOLPE
Step and turn and step and turn and
look alive! And step, step, step.

PINOCCHIO
Can I take a moment to rest??

COUNT VOLPE
No! Your tempo is getting sloppier
and sloppier!! No rest whatsoever!!

Volpe laughs, utterly uncaring.

Spazz watches from above.

Pinocchio collapses.

PINOCCHIO
(out of breath)
Five minutes, please.

COUNT VOLPE
Three minutes.

Count Volpe starts his stopwatch. He thumps Pinocchio on the
top of his head with his cane and leaves. The other puppets
surround Pinocchio.

We see that Spazz is controlling the puppets from above.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
Are you feeling okay, Pinocchio?
We’re concerned.

SPAZZATURA (AS COLUMBINA) (CONT’D)
You look so tired and worn out. You
need a good long rest.

SPAZZATURA (AS PUNCHINELLO) (CONT’D)
Some trousers and another ear
wouldn’t hurt either, if y’ask me.
80.


SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET) (CONT’D)
Why not go home and visit your Papa
for a while. This is no place for
you.

PINOCCHIO
*Sigh* I can’t. I have to keep
working and working and sending
money.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
Yeah...

SPAZZATURA (AS PUNCHINELLO) (CONT’D)
The truth is... Count Volpe is
using you. He hasn’t sent a penny
to your father.

PINOCCHIO
What?!

SPAZZATURA (AS PUNCHINELLO)
He keeps all the money for himself.

SPAZZATURA (AS COLUMBINA) (CONT’D)
He doesn’t care about you.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET) (CONT’D)
You’re not his favorite.

SPAZZATURA (AS PUNCHINELLO) (CONT’D)
Spazzatura is his favorite.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET) (CONT’D)
He’s always been. He’s a genius.

PINOCCHIO
No! Count Volpe wouldn’t lie to me!
I- I’m his star! You’re- you’re all
just jealous! Hmmf!

Pinocchio leaves in a huff.

Spazz sticks out his tongue as he goes. He tried.

Count Volpe hears the tail end of this exchange.

CUT TO:


EXT. GULF SEAS - DUSK

A small VAPORETTO ship chugs amidst the MINED SEAS.
81.


On board- Geppetto and the Cricket.

GEPPETTO
You think we will find him,
Sebastian? My Pinocchio?

CRICKET
I do. You see...
(begins to sing)
My dear father loved to say:
Hop to the top of a day
The drops are easy to swallow.
My dear father loved to say:
Mop your tears and mend your
sorrows
To not drown yourself wishing...

Geppetto looks back at the Captain. He has a life jacket on
and stands by the edge of the ship.

CAPTAIN
Arrivederci!

He salutes and goes overboard.

And then, something eclipses the sun. They both look-

A mouth. An enormous mouth, the size of ten Holland tunnels,
is swallowing the sea and the small Vaporetto.

They enter the throat and the darkness, screaming!!!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Geppetto and Cricket search for Pinocchio at the carnival. Pinocchio is being taken advantage of by Count Volpe, who is not sending money back to Geppetto. Spazz tries to help but Pinocchio refuses to believe the truth. Geppetto and Cricket board a ship to find Pinocchio, but are attacked by a sea monster and swallowed whole.
Strengths "The intense conflict and high-stakes make for a thrilling scene that keeps the audience engaged."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is not particularly strong and can come across as a little heavy-handed and dramatic."
Critique The scene in its current form has a good sense of urgency and suspense, but there are several areas for improvement.

Firstly, it’s not immediately clear why Geppetto needs to go to Catania or why Pinocchio is performing there. Some more context or exposition would be helpful for the audience to fully understand the stakes of the scene.

Secondly, the introduction of the Dogfish feels somewhat sudden and random, and the captain’s warning about it feels like a heavy-handed way to introduce the threat. A more seamless integration of this plot point would make it feel more organic and less contrived.

Thirdly, the dialogue between the puppets feels a bit stilted and on-the-nose. It could benefit from some subtler hinting at their ulterior motives before they bluntly reveal that Count Volpe is using Pinocchio. The exposition could also be broken up to make it feel more natural.

Finally, the scene ends on a cliffhanger with the Vaporetto being swallowed by the Dogfish’s mouth, but the suddenness of this event feels jarring without any buildup or foreshadowing. Some visual or auditory cues before the mouth appears would help make the scene flow more smoothly and build tension more effectively.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider diving deeper into the emotions of Geppetto. Right now, it is unclear why he is so desperate to get to Catania. Is it just to see his son perform, or is there something more important at stake? Clarifying this will make the scene more emotionally resonant.

2. Similarly, Pinocchio's exhaustion and frustration with Count Volpe could be heightened. This would make his eventual decision to leave the puppet troupe and reunite with Geppetto more powerful.

3. The dialogue between the puppets and Pinocchio feels a bit on the nose. Rather than spelling out Count Volpe's deceit, consider showing it more subtly through actions and behavior.

4. The reveal of the giant mouth swallowing the boat could be a bit more dramatic. Perhaps have the tension build more gradually before the sudden appearance of the monster.



Scene 28 - Pinocchio stands up against Count Volpe
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

Pinocchio does stretches and vocal warm-ups in preparation
for the big upcoming show...

PINOCCHIO
(tongue sticking out,
singing scales)
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya!

He passes a sign with his own image on it. He does a little
pirouette.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Haha, it’s me!

As he lands, some kids run up to him.
82.


YOUNG BOY
It’s him! It’s him!

YOUNG GIRL
Look, here he comes!

OLDER GIRL
It’s Pinocchio! Let me talk to him.
Let me see! Let me see!

PINOCCHIO
Thank you, thank you. Oh, you’re
very kind.

Kids fight for his attention like Little Rascals.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Not right now! I’m sorry!

Pinocchio ducks into the puppet theater tent.

KIDS
Awww!


INT. PUPPET THEATER

Pinocchio enters and hears the sound of a silver cane
cracking and pitiful squealing.

Curious, he hides behind a large throne/chair, only to see:


INT. TENT CORRIDOR - DAY

Count Volpe is caning Spazzatura in the empty theater.

COUNT VOLPE
You worthless, mangy, deranged ape!
What have you been saying to him!?
Huh? On the night before the big
performance! You could cost me
everything!! You know who is
coming?? You have ANY idea??

*SMACK* He hits him with the cane.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
I found you- at the bottom of that
cage- in the rain! You were left
there to die. Nobody wanted you!
And I saved you!! Rescued you!! I
should’ve let you die!!
83.


Pinocchio steps in.

PINOCCHIO
Hey! Stop that!

Count Volpe turns.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Don’t hurt him anymore!

COUNT VOLPE
This does not concern you,
Pinocchio. You’re a star! Go
rehearse your steps.

Spazz whimpers- he is MOVED by Pinocchio’s defense of him.

PINOCCHIO
I DEMAND that you stop! You said
it: I am the STAR of this show and
I won’t have my co-star treated
this way!

Count Volpe scowls. Pinocchio is offended!

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
And what is this I hear about my
Papa not getting any money? I might
just go home right now and ask him!
Whuddaya think about that? You can
perform for Il Dulce yourself!

Pinocchio starts to walk away but Count Volpe grips Pinocchio
with his cane. The mood turns very grim. Count Volpe’s eyes
flash with evil.

COUNT VOLPE
I think you misunderstand our
relationship, my little fire
hazard. I am the puppeteer, you are
the puppet. I am the master, and
you are the SLAVE.

He pulls out his cane SWORD- directs it at Pinocchio!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
And you will do as I command until
your wooden body rots and I use you
to warm my furnace!!

Count Volpe slashes at Pinocchio with his sword, slicing the
tip of his nose off.

Pinocchio cries our in terror.
84.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
You may have NO strings- but I
control you. You obey me. Capiche?

As Volpe exits the carnival tent, he snaps his fingers and
summons Spazzatura.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Spazzatura.

Spazz follows and climbs up onto his shoulder. He looks back
pitifully at Pinocchio as they walk away.


EXT. OCEAN - DAY

We see the Dogfish floating on the surface asleep.


INT. DOGFISH - CONTINUOUS

Geppetto fishes of the side of a dilapidated ship.

GEPPETTO
A son knows when his father is
alive. He will look for us, you’ll
see. You have nothing to worry
about.

He reels up the fishing rod, revealing Cricket at the end,
being used as bait.

CRICKET
Easy for you to say! Aaah!

A fish leaps out of the water, chomping at Cricket. Geppetto
is quick to react and manages to grab it!

GEPPETTO
We are having dinner tonight!

CRICKET
Hahaha! We’re so lucky!

The Cricket does a happy little dance. They celebrate.
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio witnesses Count Volpe abusing Spazzatura, confronts him, and learns that he has been lied to about his earnings and is actually a slave to Volpe's puppeteering. Volpe threatens and injures Pinocchio, asserting control over the wooden boy.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is palpable, and Pinocchio's fear and sense of betrayal come across distinctly. Count Volpe makes for a compelling villain."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit clunky and on-the-nose. The scene lacks a clear emotional payoff."
Critique The scene starts off with Pinocchio preparing for his show at the carnival. The use of vocal warm-ups and stretching conveys the seriousness with which Pinocchio approaches his craft. The sign with his image serves as a nice touch of vanity. However, the introduction of children clamouring for his attention lacks specificity, making it seem like a generic scene from any carnival.

The scene becomes more interesting when Pinocchio enters the puppet theater and discovers the mistreatment of his co-star Spazzatura. The scene's dramatic stakes are high, but the dialogue could use trimming to stress each character's intentions more clearly. Count Volpe's lines are more dynamic and command attention, whereas Pinocchio's lines feel more passive and subservient. The tension between the characters, however, is well done.

The ending of the scene is both iconic and disturbing, as Count Volpe slices off the tip of Pinocchio's nose as a forewarning of what could happen if the latter does not comply. It raises the stakes of the story and shows the potential dangers Pinocchio may face. The scene ends with Geppetto fishing and being excited about having dinner with Cricket as bait, which feels disconnected from the previous storyline and could have been moved to another scene.

Overall, the scene has some strong moments and characters, but the dialogue could use some fine-tuning to emphasize the stakes of each character's goals. The iconic ending and shift in story focus make it a memorable scene nonetheless.
Suggestions First and foremost, I would suggest tightening up the scene. There are some moments that feel unnecessary and don't add much to the plot, such as Pinocchio doing vocal warm-ups and passing a sign with his image on it. These moments can be cut down or even removed entirely.

Secondly, I would suggest adding more tension and suspense to the scene. The confrontation between Pinocchio and Count Volpe feels a little rushed, and the danger doesn't feel as imminent as it could be. Perhaps there could be a moment where Pinocchio is cornered and feels truly helpless before making his stand against Count Volpe.

Lastly, I would suggest adding some emotional weight to the scene. The relationship between Pinocchio and his co-star Spazzatura could be explored more deeply, showing why Pinocchio is so passionate about defending him. The scene could also touch on Pinocchio's desire to be a real boy and his fear of being controlled and manipulated like a puppet.

Overall, focusing on tightening up the scene, adding more tension and emotional weight, and exploring the relationships and desires of the characters would improve this scene.



Scene 29 - Pinocchio's Farting Puppet Show for Il Duce
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. PUPPET THEATER / CATANIA - NIGHT

A SUPER-DUPER-DUPER long red limousine arrives and a small
man gets out of it: MUSSOLINI. Next to him, a thin man: his
RIGHT HAND MAN.
85.


Spazzatura plays a trumpet, announcing his arrival. Everybody
in the circus OOOH’s and AAAAAH’s

Podestà, Candlewick, and the FASCIST YOUTH from the camp
stand at attention, giving the Roman salute and holding up
signs for Il Duce.

COUNT VOLPE
Ahh Your Excellency! I wrote this
number for you.

Mussolini ignores Volpe and instead looks at the poster
announcing Pinocchio.

MUSSOLINI
I like a’ puppets.

Mussolini continues on into the theater, leaving Volpe
expectant and standing alone.


INT. BACKSTAGE PUPPET THEATRE - EVENING

Spazz is sweeping, looking miserable, licking his wounds.
Pinocchio motions to him from across the room.

PINOCCHIO
Hey! Spazzatura-

Spazz considers. Looks around nervously, as he approaches.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Y’know... I think we aughta make
the big show-stopper EXTRA special
for the ol’ important Dolce tonight-
I got some real good ideas-

Pinocchio whispers into Spazz’s ear. Spazz grins.

Spazz looks over his shoulder, turns back to Pinocchio, and
nods. He’s in!

Count Volpe enters backstage as Pinocchio and Spazz finish
conspiring in hushed tones.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
(I think I’ll definitely want
...whisper whisper whisper)

Spazz scurries off to prepare.
86.


COUNT VOLPE
In bocca al lupo, my puppet.
Delight the Duce and I will shower
you with glory.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, we’ll give him a show he will
never forget.

Pinocchio gives Spazzatura a thumbs-up, and he responds in
kind. The plan is a go. Pinocchio takes the stage (curtains
still down).


INT. PUPPET THEATER - DAY

LIGHTS! MUSIC! CURTAIN OPENS.

Once again Pinocchio rolls out on stage in a tank. He leaps
out, dressed as a soldier!!

PINOCCHIO
I fight for the land!
I fight oversea!
For Baby-poops-his-pants
Right there in front of me!

Around Pinocchio marching marionettes appear; it’s a farting
chorus line! Spazz puppeteers with delight!!!

MUSSOLINI
Poop?

The Right Hand Man shrugs.

RIGHT HAND MAN
Yes, poop Your Excellency.

PINOCCHIO (O.S.)
The poop in hand
For Fatherland
Il Duce, Il Duce
Go smell your farts and pray
Eat your boogers, your slime
You can also get mine

Volpe stands on the side of the stage clutching the script.
Baffled. He is so nervous he takes a bite out of it.

A giant POOP MARIONETTE drops down from the catwalk and
begins dancing alongside Pinocchio.

Mussolini is not happy. Candlewick laughs uproariously. But
his smiles fades under the gaze of the Podestà.
87.


PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Like a bag of poop, magnificent and
free
You are farting, farting in the
men’s lavatory
You’re a poop! We are young!
Eat caca! Big baby
Eat caca! We are strong.

SPAZZATURA
(echoing) Caca!

A giant Mussolini backdrop flies in. But this time it is
vandalized and insulting.

Pinocchio flushes himself, twirling down an oversized toilet.

Song ends. The kids go wild. Count Volpe is so nervous he
takes a bite out of the script. Everyone waits to see
Mussolini’s reaction.

Mussolini quietly turns to his Right Hand Man.

MUSSOLINI
These a’ puppets I do not like.
Shoot him. And burn it all down.

The Right Hand Man pulls out a pistol, cocks it, and fires at
Pinocchio.

CUT TO:


INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM

The Rabbits sit around the table playing poker.

Pinocchio pops out of the coffin.

PINOCCHIO
Oh hi, it’s me!!

RABBIT 3
Aww! It’s HIM again!

Pinocchio sits by their side (legs dangling like any kid)-
tries to sneak a peek at the cards. The Rabbits hold them up
to their chests!

PINOCCHIO
I cannot die!

RABBIT 2
We know!
88.


PINOCCHIO
I can’t die.

RABBIT 2
Uggh.

PINOCCHIO
(sing song)
I can’t die!!

ALL RABBITS
Through the door!

Pinocchio exits through the large door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio performs in a puppet show for Mussolini while Count Volpe takes advantage of him, but Pinocchio confronts Volpe and learns the truth. The show is deemed offensive by Mussolini and Pinocchio is shot at.
Strengths "The satirical take on Mussolini and fascism provides an interesting twist. The conflict is heightened in this scene with Pinocchio's confrontation with Volpe and the threat of him being shot. The use of puppets and the farting puppet show adds an absurd and humorous element to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue in this scene, while humorous, can come off as juvenile. The emotional impact of the scene is lacking, even with the stakes being high."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, my critique of this scene is that it is highly chaotic and lacks focus. While the initial setup of Mussolini arriving at the puppet theater is interesting, the subsequent events that follow are not directly related to this setup. The scene shifts to Pinocchio and Spazzatura conspiring to create a show for Mussolini, but this feels disconnected from the initial setup. Additionally, the use of a poop marionette and insulting backdrops feels forced and unnecessary. It also seems unlikely that Mussolini would order for Pinocchio to be shot and for the theater to be burned down. The scene ends with Pinocchio popping out of a coffin in a completely different location, adding to the disjointed feel. Overall, the scene could benefit from a clearer focus and more cohesiveness in the events that occur.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels disjointed and lacks clear focus. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the purpose of Mussolini's arrival at the puppet theater - is he there to watch a show or meet with someone specific? This will help give the scene more direction.

2. The dialogue between Mussolini and Volpe feels forced and doesn't add much to the scene. Consider cutting it down or giving it more substance.

3. The transition from Mussolini's arrival to Pinocchio and Spazzatura conspiring backstage feels abrupt. Consider adding a smoother lead-in to this moment.

4. The song and puppet performance by Pinocchio feels random and nonsensical. It may be more effective to have the performance tie in thematically with the rest of the story.

5. The sudden and violent turn at the end of the scene, with Mussolini ordering Pinocchio's death, feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider tying this moment in more with the larger narrative and foreshadowing it earlier on.



Scene 30 - Pinocchio Confronts Mortality
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIMBO

Pinocchio climbs down and goes to meet Death.

Death sets down a MEDIUM SIZED hourglass (larger than last
time).

PINOCCHIO
Can you believe it?! I’ve escaped
war- bullets- fire- I was run
over!! I could get killed a lot!
I’m the luckiest boy in the world!

Death stands and begins circling Pinocchio like a cat.

DEATH
As I see it you were charged with a
terrible burden.

PINOCCHIO
Burden? No, I’m not. That’s a
horrible thing to say to a boy!

DEATH
Life can bring great suffering. And
eternal life can bring eternal
suffering.

PINOCCHIO
Aw, it’s not so bad as all that.
Yeah, I get a little beat up every
time, but as soon as I get back I’m
going home to my Papa.
89.


DEATH
Ahh, but Pinocchio... what if you
don’t see your father again?

PINOCCHIO
Of course I will! Why wouldn’t I?

DEATH
While YOU may have eternal life,
your friends... your loved ones...
they do not. Every moment shared
with them may be the very last. You
never know how long you have with
someone...

Time runs out.

DEATH (CONT’D)
...until they’re gone.

PINOCCHIO
Huh? I- I don’t understand.
Can...can you tell me more--please?

A black hole opens under Pinocchio and he falls down.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
No. No! Noooooo!!!


INT. PADDY WAGON - NIGHT

Pinocchio wakes up, gasping!!

Pinocchio is in a paddy wagon. It’s full of boys. They’re
jostled as it drives along.

Candlewick is among the boys. Podestà sits across from
Pinocchio.

PODESTÀ
A-HA!!! I knew it! You came back
to life-

Pinocchio’s still getting his bearings. The kids buzz with
excitement and surprise. Pinocchio spots Candlewick among the
kids and excitedly waves.

PINOCCHIO
Hi, Candlewick.

Candlewick signs back an understated but delighted “hey”--
but their attention quickly goes back to Podestà.
90.


PODESTÀ
Most of us- we have but ONE life to
give to our Fatherland, but YOU!!!
You have no limit!!

PINOCCHIO
Me?

PODESTÀ
Yes, you. Follow my orders, learn
to obey and you will be the perfect
soldier.

PINOCCHIO
But my Papa...

PODESTÀ
You’ll return home a hero! Any
father would be proud of such a
son!

Podestà looks at Candlewick. Candlewick looks at Pinocchio.

Pinocchio looks around confused and smiles, oblivious.

SOLDIER driving the truck (through a window in the paddy
wagon):

SOLDIER
We’re here.

A HUGE BEAM OF LIGHT inundates the paddy wagon: Spielbergian,
glorious, brutal!!

Pinocchio squints, trying to see.


EXT. YOUTH CAMP - NIGHT

TWIN SEARCHLIGHTS focus on-

-The paddy wagon enters through the gates of an imposing,
brutalist edifice in the vicinity of a cliff. It’s a
monstrosity, imposing, like a castle or a prison.

TWO MORE SEARCHLIGHTS crisscross the sky, looking for enemy
planes.


INT. YOUTH CAMP - NIGHT

They all follow the Podestà down a long corridor. It ends at
a balcony overlooking a large, open courtyard below.
91.


Nationalistic music swells (EJA! EJA! ALALA!) like a tidal
wave as we reveal the training of several dozen kids:
Stabbing with bayonets, climbing under and above obstacles,
etc.

Pinocchio and Candlewick look at each other like “whoa!”

PINOCCHIO
Wow!! What’s all this?

CANDLEWICK
The ELITE MILITARY PROJECT- for
special, PATRIOTIC youth!

PINOCCHIO
What’s an elite?

CANDLEWICK
We are!

CONFIDENT BOY
Hehe, we’re gonna learn to be elite
soldiers!

PINOCCHIO
Learn- like school? T-to read and
write and do the “mulplitication”
thingies?

Everyone laughs.

CONFIDENT BOY
Haha! You’re funny!
Genres: ["fantasy","drama"]

Summary Pinocchio meets Death and is forced to confront the idea that he may never see his father again. He is then taken to a youth camp where he is indoctrinated by the fascist regime.
Strengths "The scene explores a significant theme and sets up the stakes for the rest of the film. It also presents a clear conflict between Pinocchio's desire to see his father and the fascist regime's desire to make him a soldier."
Weaknesses "The scene is tonally very dark and may be upsetting for younger viewers. Additionally, the fascist indoctrination angle may feel heavy-handed to some audiences."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear structure and flows well. The dialogue is clear and easy to follow, and the characters' motivations and personalities are well-defined. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

- The dialogue at the beginning of the scene with Death feels a bit on-the-nose and heavy-handed. It might be more effective to have Death convey the idea of eternal suffering without explicitly stating it.
- Pinocchio's sudden confusion and lack of understanding about the military training feels a bit contrived. It might be more believable if there was some indication earlier in the scene that Pinocchio is sheltered or naive about certain things.
- The use of "Spielbergian, glorious, brutal" to describe the light feels unnecessary and distracting. It might be more effective to simply describe the light in a clear and concise way that fits the tone of the scene.

Overall, however, the scene is solid and effectively sets up the next part of the plot.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the setting: At the beginning of the scene, it is not clear what Limbo looks like or why Pinocchio is there. Adding some details about the setting and context will help ground the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.

2. Develop the character of Death: Death is a key character in this scene, but we don't learn much about him or his motivations. Adding some dialogue or actions that reveal more about Death's personality and his relationship with Pinocchio will make the scene more dynamic.

3. Make the transition to the next scene smoother: The jump from Limbo to the paddy wagon is abrupt and confusing. Adding some transitional dialogue or action that signals the change in setting will help the audience follow along more easily.

4. Create more tension: The scene in the youth camp has the potential to be very tense and emotionally charged, given the subject matter. Adding some conflict or suspenseful moments will make the scene more interesting and engaging for the audience.

5. Show more of Pinocchio's internal struggle: Pinocchio is a complex character with a lot of emotional baggage, but we don't see much of that in this scene. By adding some moments where Pinocchio grapples with his fears and doubts, the audience will be more invested in his journey.



Scene 31 - In the Youth Camp Dormitory
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. YOUTH CAMP DORMATORY - NIGHT

The boys all sit, attentive in their beds.

The Podestà walks along the line of beds, addressing the
youth.

Pinocchio and Candlewick lay on top of their covers in cots
next to each other.

PODESTÀ
Listen up! They’re reporting
hostile planes in the area. But we
will carry on with the exercises
tomorrow. Anyone here afraid of the
enemy?

Pinocchio raises his hand enthusiastically.
92.


PINOCCHIO
Uhh ha.

KID/S
No, sir!

CANDLEWICK
No, sir!

Pinocchio discreetly lowers his hand before anyone notices.

PINOCCHIO
Nuh uh.

PODESTÀ
Good! You may be boys, but you have
the hearts of MEN! Tomorrow you
train for the glory of the Italy!
Tomorrow you will make your
Fatherland proud!

He salutes!!

CUT TO:


LATER.

Pinocchio lays in bed. Candlewick is deep in thought. Tense.

CANDLEWICK
Pinocchio- Pinocchio-

PINOCCHIO
Yeah.

CANDLEWICK
What do you think my father meant
about those planes?

PINOCCHIO
I don’t know. I still don’t really
understand what we’re even doing
here.

CANDLEWICK
We’re preparing to be soldiers. For
war.

PINOCCHIO
But my Papa said war is bad.

CANDLEWICK
That’s ‘cause he’s a coward.
93.


PINOCCHIO
A coward? My Papa?

CANDLEWICK
Well-- he’s afraid of war, isn’t
he? My father says if you’re afraid
to die for your country- you’re
weak. You’re a coward.

PINOCCHIO
Are you afraid?

CANDLEWICK
I’m not afraid at all!

PINOCCHIO
Well, neither am I, or my Papa. I
love war!

CANDLEWICK
I love it more!

PINOCCHIO
I love it, twenty-four seven, every
day and any time!!

CANDLEWICK
Well, so do I-

PINOCCHIO
Well- we’ll see about that! Won’t
we?

They go back to bed, their backs turned.

CANDLEWICK
(sotto voce)
I’ll show him I’m no coward. I’ll
make him like me.

Pinocchio turns- whispers:

PINOCCHIO
Y’know, all fathers love their
sons. But... sometimes fathers feel
despair- like everyone else- and
they say things they only THINK
they mean in the moment. But with
time they learn that they never
really meant it at all. And they
may even call you ugly things- like
a burden... or a coward... but
inside, they love you.
94.


Candlewick is silent. He takes it in. Gets serious.

CANDLEWICK
Are you scared? Of dying?

PINOCCHIO
Me? Naaaah. I died a couple times
and it was alright. There’s rabbits
and card games, and a LOT of sand.
BLUE sand.

Candlewick can’t help but laugh with relief at Pinocchio’s
ridiculousness.

CANDLEWICK
(chuckling)
You’re so weird.

PINOCCHIO
No weirder than you, pal!

They throw pillows at each other, laughing.

Beat, as they settle in to sleep.

CANDLEWICK
I’m-- I’m glad you’re here.

PINOCCHIO
Me too.
Genres: ["drama","war","coming-of-age"]

Summary Pinocchio and Candlewick discuss their purpose at the youth camp, their fathers' beliefs about war, and their own fears of dying. They eventually bond over their weirdness and friendship.
Strengths "The scene reflects the patriotic and militaristic mindset of the fascist regime. However, it also highlights the vulnerability and fear of young boys being forced to participate in something they don't fully understand. The friendship between Pinocchio and Candlewick is heartwarming and adds a layer of humanity to an otherwise bleak situation."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or plot development, relying solely on character interactions and dialogue to move the story forward. The dialogue can also be expository at times, with characters spelling out their beliefs and motivations for the audience."
Critique Overall, the scene effectively establishes the setting, the characters, and the conflict. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext and nuance. The Podestà's speech is very straightforward and on-the-nose, leaving little room for interpretation. Additionally, the conversation between Pinocchio and Candlewick about their fathers' attitudes towards war could use more subtlety and complexity.

Secondly, the action could be described in more detail to better visualize the scene. For example, how is the Podestà addressing the boys? Is he marching in front of them or standing on a platform? What expressions are on the boys' faces as they respond to his questions?

Finally, while the scene establishes the conflict, it's not clear what the stakes are or what the characters' goals are. What do Pinocchio and Candlewick hope to achieve by proving their bravery? Is there a larger war or battle looming that they want to participate in?

Overall, with some tweaking and further development, this scene has potential to be a compelling part of a larger story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the setting: Rather than just calling it a dormitory, describe what it looks like. What kind of beds do they have? Is it cramped? Giving the audience a visual picture will help them better understand the scene.

2. Develop the characters: Who are these boys? What are their personalities like and how do they differ from each other? By giving them distinct traits and characteristics, the audience will become more invested in their story.

3. Add conflict: A scene without conflict can become stagnant. Consider adding something that raises the stakes, such as one of the boys expressing fear when everyone else is being brave. This will add tension and make the scene more interesting.

4. Show, don't tell: Rather than having the Podestà give a speech about being brave and training for glory, show the boys doing something that demonstrates their bravery and skill. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

5. Give the scene a greater purpose: What is the purpose of this scene in the larger story? How does it move the plot forward or develop the characters? By considering the importance of the scene in the context of the larger story, you can make sure it is fulfilling its narrative function.



Scene 32 - The Battle for Honor
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. YOUTH CAMP - DAY

Standing on the open battlefield, Podestà stands before all
the boys, explaining the rules of the game.

PODESTÀ
...And as with all great empires,
the destiny of Italy will be forged
in the strength of its youth. Today
you get your first taste of war.
You will form two teams!

Candlewick and Pinocchio look to one another, very proud-
encouraging each other. THE PODESTA HANDS OUT TWO FLAGS: ONE
is a BLACK CROSS with RADIANT LIGHT against a RED BG
(Pinocchio’s) and the other one is THE BUNDLE OF ARROWS
(Candlewick).

Candlewick exchanges a look and a half smile with his father.
It is not returned in kind.
95.


PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
In the center of the battlefield is
a tower.

The Podestà continues to address the assembly.

PODESTÀ (V.O.)
The first team to place their flag
at the top of the tower, wins! And
remember, no matter who is on the
other team, THEY are your enemy.

Podestà places his hands on BOTH Pinocchio and Candlewick.

PODESTÀ
(sotto voce)
May the best man win and bring
glory to his team and honor to us
all...

The Podestà’s speech becomes VO as we cut to the tower, then
to kids splitting into yellow and red teams, preparing their
guns, loading their grenades with confetti.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
The rifles are loaded with paint
and the grenades, confetti. Mark
your kill, boys.

After receiving their guns, the group takes off for battle,
leaving Pinocchio behind.

PINOCCHIO
Hey! Watch it. W-wait!

Kids settle into their trenches with expectant grins on their
faces; maybe some are goofing off a little.

We see Pinocchio and Candlewick on their respective sides,
ready for the horn.

The horn sounds.

KID/S
Eja! Eja! Alala!

WAR begins!

Candlewick and Pinocchio exceed expectations. Podestà is
pleased to see it going so well.

Scenes of war. Short action sequence, with Candlewick and
Pinocchio commanding their groups. It’s fun! Pinocchio sees
Candlewick and waves, still oblivious.
96.


PINOCCHIO
(giggling)
Hi!

A boy of Pinocchio’s side gets shot with red paint.

CONFIDENT BOY
Argh!

Candlewick and another boy laugh at the sight when suddenly
BAM! The other boy is hit with a ball of yellow paint.

LAUGHING BOY
Heheha. Awww.

Candlewick looks briefly shocked to see his friend hit, but
quickly recovers.

CANDLEWICK
C’mon boys! Let’s go!

The kids dash out of the trenches from both sides.

KID/S
Let’s go! Charge! Watch out! Go,
go, go! Yah!

Pinocchio races to the tower under a hail of gunfire.

CANDLEWICK
Faster! Follow me.

Candlewick follows with his team.

Candlewick and Pinocchio BOTH make it to the tower, avoiding
being shot, etc--

Pinocchio tosses his gun to one of his teammates.

PINOCCHIO
Catch this.

They climb and race to the top, dodging paint, etc-- they
near the top...

Podestà looks on from afar.

They frantically struggle with one another to see who can get
their flag up the pole.

They are fighting for real! A tug of war ensues with the
flags as they try to dislodge the other.
97.


With one huge tug they both tumble to the ground on opposite
sides of the tower.

THE SEARCHLIGHTS backlight them both.

Then: They suddenly realize the absurdity of what they're
doing, exchange a look and burst into laughter.

They come together and shake hands. BOTH flags are placed
together and raised up the pole.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["War","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio and Candlewick compete in a war game at the youth camp, with both teams vying to place their flag at the top of a tower. As they struggle to outdo each other, they realize the futility of their actions and decide to end the conflict with laughter and a joint victory.
Strengths "The scene showcases the competitive but also playful nature of Candlewick and Pinocchio's relationship, as well as their tactical skills. The scene also reinforces the indoctrination of youth into fascist ideology through the structured war game. The joint victory and laughter at the end provide a moment of relief and humanity amidst the seriousness of the theme."
Weaknesses "The humor may detract from the gravity of the underlying theme of youth indoctrination into fascist ideology. The scene does not contribute significantly to character development or plot progression."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear objectives and a strong narrative arc. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. The dialogue could be more concise and impactful. While the Podestà's speech sets the scene well, some of the lines could be trimmed to increase the overall impact. For example, the line "May the best man win and bring glory to his team and honor to us all..." could be simplified to "May the best team win."

2. The action could be more descriptive. The scene describes children engaging in a mock battle, but the action is not described in much detail. Adding more descriptive language could help the audience imagine the scene more vividly.

3. The final moment of the scene could be heightened. While the moment where Pinocchio and Candlewick realize the absurdity of their actions and laugh together is a strong image, it might benefit from an extra beat or two to really drive home the message.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene that effectively conveys the excitement and camaraderie of a youth battle.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has good pacing and action, but here are some suggestions to improve it:

- Give some physical description of Podestà and the boys to help the reader visualize them.

- Add some dialogue or action to show more about Candlewick's relationship with his father. For example, he could try to impress his father during the game or have a moment of disappointment when his father doesn't react positively to his smile.

- Consider cutting down on the amount of detail about how the guns and grenades work. It slows down the action and is not necessary for the audience to understand.

- Show more of Pinocchio's personality or character during the war. Right now, he mainly serves as a vehicle to get to the tower. You could give him a moment of strategic thinking or leadership to differentiate him from Candlewick.

- When the two boys tumble down after the tug of war, it might be more visually interesting if they fell in slow motion or with a unique camera angle to emphasize the absurdity and contrast with the earlier action.

- Consider adding more consequences or aftermath to the game to make it more meaningful. For example, do the winning team get a reward or does the losing team have to do a punishment? Do the boys learn anything about teamwork or leadership during the game? Adding a thematic or emotional layer to the action can make it more resonant for the audience.



Scene 33 - The Final Lesson
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. YOUTH CAMP - CONTINUOUS

Candlewick and Pinocchio proudly approach the Podestà, who is
now sipping tea with the Priest at a table near the edge of
the battlefield.

PODESTÀ
You’re both here- why??

CANDLEWICK
We both won, Father!

PODESTÀ
Oh, is that so? And how did you
come to that conclusion, may I ask?

PINOCCHIO
It was a tie!

CANDLEWICK
We both climbed up fast!

Podestà sips calmly.

PODESTÀ
Very good, then. Candlewick...

Podestà takes his own REAL handgun and puts it on the table.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
(to Candlewick)
Shoot the puppet.

Pinocchio and Candlewick shuffle nervously.

CANDLEWICK
But Father, this is a real gun.
98.


PODESTÀ
Take your glory, son!! Shoot the
puppet!!

Candlewick can’t- trembles.

THEN the sound of planes above! Everybody looks. Bombing
starts. BOOM! Air raid siren. Yellow clouds of gas.

SOLDIER
Take your positions on the
parapets! Defend the center! For
Italy!

SOLDIER 2
Hurry! Hurry! Go, go, go!

SOLDIER 3 (O.S.)
We are under attack!

The Podestà ignores what is happening all around him.

PODESTÀ
I told you to SHOOT THE PUPPET.

BOMBS EXPLODE around them!! Illuminating all with fire!!
Candlewick looks down at the gun and considers.

CANDLEWICK
No! I will not let you do this! All
my life, Father...just trying to
please you. But I never will. You
were right: I’m thin and weak- and
flimsy-- just like the wick of a
candle. Always afraid. But even
then- with all the fear I feel- I
can say “no” to you. I can do that.
(beat)
I’m not afraid to say no. Are you?

PODESTÀ
You filthy coward!!

Podestà rips the gun from Candlewick’s hand. He grabs
Candlewick by the neck, lifts and propels him backward.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
Yes, you are weak. You are no son
of mine.

Podestà tosses him in a ditch like a piece of trash.
Pinocchio chases after, trying to protect his friend.
99.


PINOCCHIO
Candlewick!

PODESTÀ
Puppet, on your feet!

From atop the ditch, Podestà has now turned the gun on
Pinocchio. Pinocchio stands and approaches, defiant.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
Time for the final lesson.

Pinocchio turns to look at Candlewick, still on the ground.
Candlewick stares back, frozen and afraid.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
And now you will know what it is to
truly serve the Fatherland.

A shot rings out. Podestà is struck directly in the eyes by a
blotch of yellow paint.

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
Arggh!

He stumbles back, disoriented and temporarily blinded,
becoming caught in the netting.

From behind Pinocchio, Candlewick emerges, holding the gun.

Podestà claws at his eyes, furious and struggling to see.

He hears a noise and pauses. Slowly looks up. A BOMB FALLS.
The Podestà struggles to free himself. There is no escape.

It kills Podestà, and throws Pinocchio over the parapets.

Pinocchio lands on the ground, half a mile away. His back is
on fire.

Candlewick rushes out of the camp, calling out. Bombs falling
all around him. Kids running and screaming. Chaos.

CANDLEWICK
Pinocchio! Pinocchio!!

On the opposite side of the camp, Pinocchio veers into
oblivion as we see...

COUNT VOLPE
Hello, my little rebel!! I found
you at last. I lost everything. And
now you will too.
100.


Darkness.

FADE OUT / IN:
Genres: ["drama","war"]

Summary Pinocchio and Candlewick confront the fascist indoctrination at the youth camp as an air raid and a power struggle take place, resulting in Candlewick's rebellion and the Podestà's demise.
Strengths "Intense conflict and suspense, strong character arcs for Pinocchio and Candlewick, powerful imagery."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels slightly over-dramatic, Count Volpe's reappearance at the end feels slightly contrived."
Critique Overall, the scene has a good amount of tension and action, but could benefit from some clarity in the dialogue and character motivations.

The dialogue between the Podestà, Candlewick, and Pinocchio could be clearer and more concise. There are moments where the characters repeat themselves or say things that are already implied by the actions in the scene. For example, when Candlewick hesitates to shoot Pinocchio, he could simply say "I can't do it" rather than repeating that he won't shoot because it's a real gun.

Additionally, it's not entirely clear why the Podestà is so insistent on Pinocchio being shot. Is it just to teach him a lesson, or is there a larger reason he wants the puppet dead? Providing more clarity in his motivations could make the scene feel more impactful.

Finally, the transition from the air raid to the introduction of Count Volpe feels a bit abrupt. It might be worth considering whether this could be developed or foreshadowed earlier in the script so that it doesn't feel like a sudden shift in focus.

Overall, the scene has a lot of potential, but could benefit from some refinement in the writing to make the character motivations and plot clearer.
Suggestions The scene currently feels very rushed and chaotic, which can make it difficult for the audience to fully understand and invest in what is happening. To improve the scene, here are some suggestions:

1. Slow down the pacing: Consider breaking the scene into two or three smaller scenes, each with its own distinct arc and pacing. This will help the audience better understand the intentions and emotions of each character, and allow for more effective build-up and tension.

2. Clarify character motivations: Make sure that each character's motivations and desires are clear to the audience. Why does Podestà want Candlewick to shoot Pinocchio? Why does Candlewick refuse to do it? By clarifying these motivations, you can create more effective conflict between the characters.

3. Add more description and sensory detail: Rather than relying solely on dialogue to convey what's happening, try to add more visual and sensory details. Use the setting, the weather, the sounds of the bombs and air raid siren to create a more immersive and vivid experience for the audience.

4. Focus on character emotions: Make sure that the audience can really see and feel the emotions of the characters in this scene. Use close-ups, body language, and facial expressions to show the fear, desperation, and bravery of Candlewick and Pinocchio.

5. Don't rush the ending: The scene currently ends very abruptly, with Pinocchio landing on the ground and then immediately cutting to Count Volpe. Consider adding a few more beats to really let the impact of the bomb and Pinocchio's injury sink in. This will create a more powerful and emotional ending to the scene.



Scene 34 - Escape from Count Volpe's Lair
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. CLIFF - DAY

Pinocchio wakes up.

PINOCCHIO
HUHHH?! Candlewick!?

Pinocchio is tied to a post. Spazzatura and Volpe stand
nearby.

Reveal: Pinocchio is tied up. Count Volpe is preparing a huge
bonfire.

They are by the side of a cliff.

In the distance: THE YOUTH CENTER and searchlights criss-
crossing the sky; BOMBER PLANES release their fiery cargo!!

COUNT VOLPE
Bonjour, mon étoile.

PINOCCHIO
No! Where’s Candlewick!??

Spazz stands by Count Volpe - but looks conflicted.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Spazzatura! Please help me!

COUNT VOLPE
I am all he has in this world, the
poor thing. I have forgiven him...
But you? You squandered everything!

Count Volpe points his SWORD directly at Pinocchio.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Give me that torch, Spazzatura.

Spazz hesitates, anguished for Pinocchio.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Spazzatura! Errr, give me that!

Volpe SNATCHES the torch from Spazz and SMACKS him with it
for good measure.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
You mangy ape!
101.


PINOCCHIO
Let me go!

COUNT VOLPE
Is our contract worth nothing? I’ll
do my part. And you- you WILL burn!
Burn bright, like a star!

PINOCCHIO
Hey, that’s HOT! Worse than
chocolate! Ow! Ow! Help!

Volpe lets out a sinister laugh.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Please! HELP! Help!! Ow! Help!

And then SPAZZ THINKS AND THINKS AND-

MAKES A DECISION- Leaps off of Volpe and up to Pinocchio! He
gets Pinocchio OUT of the fire. DRAGS him to safety! Flaming!

He heads for the cliffs!!!

Volpe chases Spazz, cane sword in hand. He corners them.

But Spazz is afraid!!!

The fall is too big- too scary.

COUNT VOLPE
How could you do this to me? And
for a puppet?? You loathsome lusus
naturae!!

Count Volpe raises his sword!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
You will betray me no more!!!

And then Spazz jumps, and bites Volpe on the face!!!

They tumble back and fall down, screaming simultaneously.

Down-

Down-

Pinocchio looks over the edge- Volpe smashes on the rocks and
Spazz plunges into the water below.

PINOCCHIO
Spazzatura!!!
102.


Pinocchio calls out for Spazz, still trying to free himself
from the ropes. Suddenly another bomb goes off nearby.

The edge of the cliff he is on CRACKS. CRUMBLES. FALLS.
Carrying Pinocchio down with it.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Ahhhhh!

POV of his fall.

He sinks INTO THE OCEAN!!!

He sinks.


EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT

Pinocchio and Spazz on the cross, paddling aimlessly.

CUT TO:


EXT. OCEAN - DAY

JUST FLOATING. Exhausted.

PINOCCHIO
Spazzatura, will I ever see my Papa
again?

Spazz picks a barnacle off Pinocchio and eats it.

A seagull passes overhead. Spazz tracks it with his eyes.

Then they see-


EXT. DOGFISH

-a MYSTERIOUS ISLAND.

PINOCCHIO
Look, an island!

Spazz celebrates, happily dancing and pounding on the water.

As they are about to go ashore, the island rises up out of
the water again. This is no island. This is THE DOGFISH!

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Swim!

They paddle with all their might. They are swallowed.
103.


INT. DOGFISH TUBES

They travel through gross tubes. Pinocchio gets hit by sharp
teeth and stuff, Spazz using him as a shield.
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio is trapped by Count Volpe and his henchman Spazzatura near a cliff. Count Volpe is angry that Pinocchio squandered everything and prepares to burn him in a huge bonfire. Spazzatura finally decides to help Pinocchio and helps him escape. They fall off the cliff and into the ocean. They eventually see a mysterious island, but it turns out to be the Dogfish's belly.
Strengths "The scene is action-packed and tense, with high stakes and danger. The setting and plot change significantly, keeping the audience engaged. The scene moves the story forward, and there is a character change when Spazzatura decides to help Pinocchio."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger, and the emotional impact could be heightened."
Critique This scene needs a lot of work in terms of clarity, structure, and character development. Firstly, it's not clear why Pinocchio wakes up tied to a post and why Count Volpe is going to burn him. The scene lacks context and backstory.

Secondly, the character development is weak. We don't really know who Volpe and Spazzatura are, nor do we know why they have any motivation to burn Pinocchio. Additionally, Spazzatura's sudden change of heart to help Pinocchio escape lacks believability and goes unexplained.

Thirdly, the dialogue is stiff and overly dramatic. The sudden appearance of bomber planes and searchlights adds an element of confusion and distraction rather than creating tension and drama.

Overall, this scene needs more development in terms of character, backstory, and clear motivation for character actions. The dialogue needs to be more natural and less forced. Additionally, the action could be streamlined to be more cohesive.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Provide clearer visual descriptions. Several moments in the scene are unclear because they lack detailed visual descriptions. For example, it's not immediately clear where Pinocchio is tied up until it's explicitly stated. Adding details like where the post is located and how it's secured would help clarify the situation.

2. Build tension more effectively. The scene involves Pinocchio being tied up and about to be burned alive, but the tension doesn't escalate as much as it could. Consider adding some suspenseful moments or dialogue to ratchet up the tension and make the audience feel like Pinocchio is in real danger.

3. Make the conflict between Spazz and Volpe more central to the scene. Spazz turning against Volpe and saving Pinocchio is a major turning point in the story, but it's over relatively quickly and doesn't have as much impact as it could. Consider giving their conflict more build-up and making the fight between them longer and more intense.

4. Provide more emotional weight to Pinocchio's situation. Pinocchio is facing death and pleading for help, but his dialogue doesn't convey much emotion or urgency. Consider giving Pinocchio more powerful and emotional lines to make the audience feel more invested in his plight.

5. Tighten up the pacing. The scene has several moments where the action lags or becomes unclear. Shortening or reworking some of the dialogue and cutting back on unnecessary details could help keep the scene moving at a more brisk pace.



Scene 35 - Escape from the Dogfish
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. DOGFISH

They are finally spat out of an ulcer waterfall.

Ugh-- Spazz covered in goop, completely grossed out.

They look up and watch with horror as the tunnel they were
spat out of closes behind them.

Pinocchio tries to find another way out, but it’s all just
gross fish parts. They wade through muck.

They look over a precipice and see a dilapidated lighthouse
and the wreckage of a ship. There appears to be a small fire
burning off in the distance.

Spazz points. They head towards it.

Spazz is excited for the heat and starts to warm himself by
the fire.

Just then they hear a the faint sound of someone singing off
in the distance.

Pinocchio shushes Spazz, straining to hear.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
And if you look at me today, my
heart would heal so fast...

Pinocchio and Spazz look at each other.

PINOCCHIO
Papa? Papa!

Pinocchio rushes towards the sound, sloshing around on planks
of wood.

Spazz follows.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
And if you held me right away, I’d
be complete at last. At last.

They leap up on the ship and run towards the bow. And there,
they find Geppetto fishing, using Cricket as bait.
104.


PINOCCHIO
(shushing Spazz)
Papa! You’re alive!

Geppetto drops his rod to hug Pinocchio. Cricket lets out a
joyous laugh.

GEPPETTO
(weakly)
Pinocchio! My Pinocchio!

Pinocchio embraces Geppetto. Cricket gets smushed between
them.

CRICKET
(groan)
Love hurts!

CUT TO:


LATER.

They all sit by the fire. A fish is roasting on a spit.
Cricket stands close to the fire, playing the violin.

PINOCCHIO
You’ll be okay, Papa.

Pinocchio leans against Geppetto, who puts his arm around
him.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
After you’re feeling better, we’ll
go right home, okay?

GEPPETTO
No, Pinocchio. There is no escape
from this dreaded beast. He comes
seeking the warmth of the sun...
every decade or so...
(beat)
It will soon sink back to the
depths of the darkest, coldest
ocean where it dwells and- it will
drag us with him.

As Geppetto is talking Cricket stares ahead, watching the
smoke from the fire float up and out through the blowhole.
Out? Out!
105.


CRICKET
(laughing)
Oh my God, this is it! Follow me!
Hahaha.

GEPPETTO
Follow you, where?

CRICKET
Up to the lighthouse, and freedom!

They get up from the fire and dash off, trying to keep up
with an excited Cricket. They all clamber up to the very tip
of the lighthouse, the highest vantage point. Cricket perches
on the rail.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
The blowholes. We can climb out
through them.

He points, but they are still some distance away.

GEPPETTO
But we’ll never reach it. It- it’s
too far.

CRICKET
Pinocchio can help!

Cricket dashes up Pinocchio’s arm and begins to whisper in
his ear.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Pinocchio, look...(inaudible
whispering)

GEPPETTO
What is it, Pinocchio?

A BEAT AND THEN- PINOCCHIO LOOKS AT GEPETTO.

PINOCCHIO
Oh PAPA, I HATE you!!

GEPPETTO
What?? Well, what do you...

Pinocchio’s nose grows.

PINOCCHIO
And I- and I hate YOU TOO,
Spazzatura! And-- and YOU,
Sebastian J. Cricket!
106.


His nose keeps growing!

Spazz grunts angrily.

GEPPETTO
Yes! I SEE!! Just this once, lie,
m’boy!

CRICKET
Yes! That’s it! Lie!

PINOCCHIO
My name is... Panucchio!!

GEPPETTO
More, Pinocchio!

His nose grows. Everyone gets excited.

PINOCCHIO
I love the smell of onions! I love,
I love WAR! I wanna be trapped here
forever and ever and ever!

Pinocchio’s nose grows larger and larger with each lie.
Cricket jumps on the end of his nose, riding it until it is
super huge, spanning the gap between the lighthouse and the
blowhole. Cricket reaches the other side.

GEPPETTO
Hahaha that, that’s it!

CRICKET
Climb now. Everybody climb. Hurry!
Come on!

Geppetto gingerly makes his way onto the nose bridge and
starts carefully working his way across. Spazz jumps forward
and runs, leapfrogging Geppetto and quickly scurries to the
opposite side.

GEPPETTO
What are you...?

As Geppetto continues, the branches twist and turn; he can
barely hold on.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Ooh--oh, oh, oh--steady...whoa!

The end rustles up and down the blowhole and something
awakes.
107.
Genres: ["fantasy","adventure"]

Summary Pinocchio and Spazzatura escape from the Dogfish and reunite with Geppetto, Cricket helps them realize their only escape is through the blowhole of the beast, Pinocchio's nose grows as he lies to create a bridge for them to cross, and they work together to climb across.
Strengths "The scene brings together the characters, raises the stakes, and creates tension as they work together to escape the Dogfish. The use of Pinocchio's growing nose as a bridge is a creative solution to their problem."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is not particularly memorable or impactful, and there are some moments that feel rushed or too convenient, such as Spazzatura's sudden change of heart in helping Pinocchio escape."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not possess the necessary expertise to critique the quality of screenwriting. However, I can offer some general observations on the scene.

The scene establishes a sense of danger and desperation as Pinocchio and Spazz try to find a way out of their predicament. The introduction of Geppetto through a song is a creative way to introduce him into the scene. Cricket's character is also entertaining and adds some humor to the scene.

The tension is built up towards the end when Pinocchio's nose grows with each lie, and there is a sense of excitement as they all try to climb across the nose bridge to escape. Overall, the scene follows a clear narrative structure and contains engaging characters and conflicts.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more description and detail to the setting. It’s hard to visualize what exactly is happening and what the environment looks like. Additionally, having more character development would make it easier to become invested in the scene. Perhaps there could be a moment where Pinocchio reflects on his journey and how much he’s grown as a character. Finally, adding some tension or conflict would make the scene more engaging. Maybe there could be something that threatens their progress across the nose bridge, or someone could have doubts about whether or not they’ll be able to escape.



Scene 36 - Escape from the Dogfish
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 2
EXT. DOGFISH

DOGFISH (SFX O.S.)
(loud and echoing)
GRRRRROOOAAAAANNNN!


INT. DOGFISH

Spazz looks on, concerned, as Geppetto continues to work his
way forward.

GEPPETTO
(trying to balance)
Ehhh--whoa--ahh--my word--oh dear.

The nose is rocking and shaking all over the place, so much
so that it SNAPS clean off of Pinocchio’s face. He lunges
forward quickly to grab a hold of it before it falls.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Whoa--hold it--oh. Wahh.

It’s more steady now and Geppetto manages to make it the rest
of the way across. They laugh and celebrate. Pinocchio
secures the branch on his end and starts to make his way
across.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
That’s it. Don’t look down,
Pinocchio. Look at me. Look at your
Papa!

He is halfway when the whole thing twists and rotates,
flipping Pinocchio upside down! He clings on for dear life.

PINOCCHIO
Ahh--Ahhh!

As it swings around it almost hits Geppetto and Spazz inside
the blowhole as well.

GEPPETTO
Ahh!

CRICKET
He’s going to sneeze. Hurry!


EXT. DOGFISH

The Dogfish feels something scratching around and becomes
even more irritated.
108.


DOGFISH (SFX)
*Groaaaaann*

Walls around them begin to shake...


INT. DOGFISH

The branch continues to slip. Pinocchio is hanging, trying to
keep his grip as the whole thing keeps shifting. He finally
manages to right himself, but it’s too late. The end of the
branch slips from the rail and begins to fall.

Pinocchio sprints up the branch as it begins to drop,
desperately trying to reach Geppetto and the others.

PINOCCHIO
No...Noooo! Ahhhh!! Ahh!

He reaches the end and leaps, launching himself into space as
the branch plummets below him.

GEPPETTO
I’ve got you, son!

With a CLAP! Geppetto is able to reach out and grab
Pinocchio’s wrist at the last moment.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Hold on my, boy!

PINOCCHIO
Help! Help!!


EXT. DOGFISH

The Dogfish howls and writhes angrily.

THE ENTIRE WORLD SHAKES AROUND THEM!


INT. DOGFISH

Geppetto tries to hang on to Pinocchio and pull him up but
now huge gusts of wind from the blowhole make it impossible.
Geppetto loses his balance and the both begin to fall.

GEPPETTO & PINOCCHIO
Ahhhhhhh!

Just as they are about to smash into the ground, A HUGE GUST
comes from one of the blowholes, sucking them back up and
into the air.
109.


EXT. DOGFISH

The Dogfish rumbles and then:

HUGE SNEEZE!

DOGFISH
*CCHHOOOOOOO!!!!!*

Pinocchio, Geppetto, Spazz and Cricket- and a bunch of debris-
all shoot out of the Dogfish’s blowhole, screaming.
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary After building a makeshift bridge to cross the Dogfish's blowhole, Pinocchio and his companions are caught in the middle of a violent sneeze that propels them out of the creature's body.
Strengths "The action-packed escape is intense and the stakes are high."
Weaknesses "There is little dialogue or character development in this scene."
Critique The scene has a clear objective of the characters trying to make their way across the Dogfish. The tension builds as the situation becomes more precarious and they face multiple challenges. The use of sound effects is effective in creating the mood and atmosphere, particularly the Dogfish's groans and sneeze. The characters' dialogue feels natural and believable, and their actions are clear and easy to follow. The stakes are high, with the characters in danger of falling off the branch and being swallowed by the Dogfish. Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, successfully creating suspense and excitement.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider adding more tension and stakes to the scene. Maybe there's a specific reason why Pinocchio and Geppetto need to cross this chasm, and if they fail, something terrible will happen. Adding specific stakes to a scene can make it more engaging for the audience.

2. Use more specific and descriptive language to create a better visual image for the audience. For example, instead of saying "The branch continues to slip," describe how it's slipping, what it looks like, and how Pinocchio is hanging on. This will help the audience picture the action more vividly.

3. Consider adding some character development to the scene. What does this moment reveal about Pinocchio and Geppetto's relationship? Do they have any conflicts or differences of opinion that come up during the scene? Fleshing out the characters and their dynamics can make the scene more emotionally resonant.

4. Make sure the pacing of the scene is consistent. If it feels like there are lulls or moments where nothing is happening, try to tighten up the dialogue and action to maintain a sense of urgency and momentum throughout.

5. Ultimately, ask yourself what the purpose of the scene is. Does it advance the plot or deepen the characters in a meaningful way? If not, consider cutting or revising it to make sure every moment in the screenplay is serving a clear purpose.



Scene 37 - Escape from the Dogfish
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. OCEAN

Splash! Our heroes all land in the water with the debris.

Pinocchio clambers up on the first thing he can find, a huge
MINE! He is breathing heavy, trying to catch his breath.

Off in the distance, everyone else scrambles onto a makeshift
raft.

BAMM! The Dogfish reemerges from the depths! MORE STEAM THAN
EVER coming from its orifices. EYES RED! GROANING IN FURY!

Pinocchio sees the Dogfish swimming up towards him and knows
he's about to be eaten once again.

PINOCCHIO
Uhh oh. Whoa-No--No---Ahhhhh!!!

The Dogfish’s huge maw closes over Pinocchio and the mine as
well.

Cricket, Spazz, and Geppetto watch in horror as Pinocchio is
swallowed.

CRICKET
Oh no!

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!

Off in the distance, the Dogfish surfaces. Clinging to his
tooth we see Pinocchio! The chain of the mine is wrapped
around it.

PINOCCHIO
Papa!! Papa!!!

The Dogfish spots the raft and turns towards it menacingly.
110.


GEPPETTO
It’s coming for us! Quick!

Spazz seeing what’s happening jumps back in the sea!

CRICKET
C'mon, Spazzatura, you can do it!

Spazz acts as an outboard motor!!!! He pushes till it hurts.
They start speeding up!

They head away- the Dogfish gaining rapidly!!

Pinocchio looks out from the mouth and sees that the Dogfish
is headed straight for his friends.

His eyes quickly search around. What can he do?

He tracks the chain to the end of the Dogfish’s gullet. An
idea dawns on Pinocchio.

Pinocchio leaps off the tooth and into the water gushing
through the Dogfish’s mouth. He tries to swim towards the
mine.

The Dogfish barrels forward with ferocious speed towards the
raft.

Pinocchio is swept towards the mine, but the current is too
strong!

He grasps desperately for the mine but misses and is carried
over the edge.

Spazz and Geppetto are paddling with crazy determination!

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Yes, faster, Spazzatura!!

GEPPETTO
Hold on!

The Dogfish gains on our heroes and is ABOUT TO SWALLOW THEM-

Suddenly we see Pinocchio! With monumental effort he swims up
the waterfall!!!

He grabs the side of one of the firing pins, barely hanging
on.

The mouth of the Dogfish opens wide. It is right on top on
them.
111.


CRICKET
Oh my God, this is it!

With his last ounce of strength, Pinocchio pulls himself up
by one arm and detonates the mine.

Gulp! Beat. BOOOMMMMMM!!!!

The Dogfish EXPLODES!!

Our heroes are thrown asunder by a tidal wave!!

THE RAFT BLOWS UP.

GEPPETTO HITS THE WATER AND SINKS, UNCONSCIOUS.

BLACK.


INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM

Pinocchio pops out of the coffin.

PINOCCHIO
No!! Not NOW!!

CUT TO:


INT. LIMBO

Pinocchio stands before Death, who is setting down a HUGE
hourglass.

PINOCCHIO
Send me back, now! Please, I need
to go back to save my Papa.

DEATH
You know the rules, Pinocchio.

Long pause as Death considers Pinocchio.

DEATH (CONT’D)
All the sand must fall before you
can return.

PINOCCHIO
There’s no time! He’s dying!

DEATH
Rules are rules. And if we BREAK
them--
112.


She taps the glass of the timer with her claw, very
deliberately.

DEATH (CONT’D)
--There are dire consequences.

Pinocchio knows she is trying to tell him something but
doesn’t quite understand. He steps closer to the glass timer.

DEATH (CONT’D)
If you were to go back now- so soon-
you would become mortal.
(beat)
You might save Geppetto. But you
will die, Pinocchio. And it will be
your last life.

PINOCCHIO
I don’t care- send me back!!
(beat)
Do it!!

He looks at Death.

DEATH
Not me, wooden boy. Break the
rules. Break them. If you’re sure?

She TAPS the glass again. This time a small crack appears.

Pinocchio turns back to the timer and--

SMASHES IT! The sand scatters.

All the timers behind Death instantly burst!

A portal opens on the ground behind Pinocchio.

Death and Pinocchio bow to each other in acknowledgment.

DEATH (CONT’D)
Now, go to your father, child. And
make the most of it.

Pinocchio takes a running leap and dives through.
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio and his companions escape from the Dogfish's belly, but are chased by the monster towards Geppetto and friends on a raft. Pinocchio saves the day by detonating a mine to kill the Dogfish, but Geppetto is knocked unconscious in the process. Pinocchio finds himself in Limbo where Death warns him of the consequences of breaking the rules to save Geppetto, but he does so anyway.
Strengths
  • The tension of the chase and explosion add excitement and energy to the scene
  • The sacrifice Pinocchio is willing to make for his father adds depth to his character
  • The interaction between Death and Pinocchio is intriguing and raises stakes for the story
Weaknesses
  • The dialogue is somewhat simplistic and lacks nuance
  • The action can be confusing at times
  • The resolution is somewhat rushed
Critique Overall, the scene has a strong sense of action and urgency, with our heroes facing a deadly threat from the Dogfish. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to enhance the impact of the scene.

Firstly, it would be useful to have a clearer sense of the geography of the scene. In the opening, it is not clear where the heroes have landed in the water or where the makeshift raft comes from. Making this clearer will help the audience to visualise the action and understand the stakes of the scene.

Secondly, some of the dialogue could be tightened up to give it more impact. For example, the line "Oh no!" from Cricket doesn't really add anything to the scene, and could be replaced with something more urgent or specific to the situation.

Thirdly, the climax of the scene, where Pinocchio sacrifices himself to save the others, could be made more emotionally resonant. One way to do this might be to show more of the other characters' reactions to Pinocchio's sacrifice, or to have Pinocchio reflect on what he is giving up in order to save his father.

Overall, the scene has a lot of potential but could benefit from some tweaks to make it more impactful and emotionally resonant.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has plenty of action and tension, but it could benefit from a few tweaks to make it even more effective. Some possible suggestions include:

- Adding more description to help the reader visualize the scene. For instance, what does the ocean look like? Is it choppy or calm? Adding sensory details like this can help immerse the reader in the story.
- Clarifying who "everyone else" refers to when they scramble onto the makeshift raft. It's not clear who "everyone" is, so adding a brief description or context could help prevent confusion.
- Using more dynamic verbs to make the action feel more immediate. For instance, instead of "Pinocchio sees the Dogfish swimming up towards him," you could write "Pinocchio spots the Dogfish hurtling towards him." Think about words that pack a punch and make the scene feel more exciting.
- Consider whether some of the dialogue could be cut or condensed to make the scene flow more smoothly. For instance, the line "C'mon, Spazzatura, you can do it!" feels a bit unnecessary and could potentially be cut without losing any important information.
- Adding more emotional depth to the scene. Pinocchio and Geppetto are in mortal danger, so this is a great opportunity to explore their relationship and how much they care for each other. Adding a few lines of dialogue or description that emphasize their love and concern for each other could help make the scene feel more impactful.
- Finally, the scene ends on a powerful note with Pinocchio breaking the rules to try and save his father. However, it might be beneficial to have a moment of reflection or aftermath to let that action sink in. For instance, a brief shot of Pinocchio's face as he disappears through the portal could help emphasize the weight of what he's just done.



Scene 38 - Pinocchio Comes Back to Life
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. OCEAN - DAY

Pinocchio shoots out of the water. He is missing an arm and
part of his leg-- now just stumps.

He falls back in, then rises to the surface and GASPS for
breath! He’s alive! He has a chance to save Geppetto!
113.


PINOCCHIO
Papa!

His missing limbs make it hard for him to swim, but he
reaches Geppetto and gets him on his back. With ALL HIS MIGHT
he heads towards the shore, struggling... choking...

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Papa...

He pushes Geppetto to shore.

We do not see Pinocchio.


EXT. BEACH - DAY

Spazzatura drags himself out of the ocean. The beach is
covered in MINES from the ocean. The ocean is now pristine.

The Dogfish is nowhere in sight.

Spazz is utterly exhausted but RELIEVED. He made it! Land!

Something wriggles in Spazz’s mouth. He coughs up: Cricket!

CRICKET
We- we made it! Hahaha I can’t
believe it!

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
*COUGH!* *COUGH!*

Cricket and Spazzatura look over:

Geppetto and Pinocchio have washed up on the beach.

Geppetto rises and spits up ocean water.

Pinocchio does not. PINOCCHIO IS INERT.

Geppetto rushes to Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Pinocchio! My boy, my...boy.

Geppetto kneels over Pinocchio’s limp, destroyed body and
raises his head out of the water. His eyes are lifeless dots.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Wake up, Pinocchio! Like last time!
Get up! You’re fine! You- you-

Spazz and Cricket rush to Geppetto. When they see, they know:
114.


Pinocchio is dead. His body moves gently with the tide.

Tears in his eyes, Geppetto desperately tries to reanimate
Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
You are here, my dear son, can’t
you see me? You’re-- you’re alive,
you’re so free, I need you...my
son.

Geppetto weeps.

The Wood Sprite appears beside them.

WOOD SPRITE
Master Geppetto...I only wished to
bring you joy.

Geppetto looks to see the Wood Sprite, too grief-stricken to
be amazed by the sight of her.

GEPPETTO
And you DID. You DID bring me joy--
(embracing Pinocchio)
--such terrible, terrible joy.
Please! Bring him back to me!

WOOD SPRITE
To save you, he became a real boy.
And real boys... don’t come back.

GEPPETTO
I know that... I know, but...

Then the Cricket stands up, FURIOUS.

CRICKET
It’s not FAIR! In this world you
get what you give, remember?? And
this boy gave-- why, he gave
everything he could!

The Wood Sprite looks at them both. Considers.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
You said if I should perform my
duties and make Pinocchio a good
boy- guide him into doing what is
right, you would concede me one
wish!
115.


WOOD SPRITE
I did. And did you accomplish this
task?

CRICKET
OKAY! Fine! So maybe I didn’t do so
great. Maybe I messed up a little-
or a lot- but- Well, I tried my
best and that’s the best anyone can
do! PINOCCHIO taught me that! I
mean, I taught it to him and then
he taught it straight back at me!
And- You know why? Because- because
he was GOOD!

Everyone is touched by the Cricket’s words.

The Wood Sprite nods.

WOOD SPRITE
Well then, noble Cricket: Choose
wisely...

CRICKET
Well, gosh darn it!! I wish him
back to life!

The Wood Sprite places her hands on Pinocchio. He begins to
glow.

WOOD SPRITE
Very well then. Little wooden boy
made of pine- may you rise with the
sun and wander the earth- be his
son- fill his days with light. So
he’ll never be alone.

GEPPETTO
PINOCCHIO- my child- I was trying
to make you someone you were not.
So- don’t be Carlo, or anyone else!
Be exactly who you are! I- I love
you exactly as you are...

And so, Pinocchio awakes.

PINOCCHIO
Then I will be Pinocchio! And you
will be my Papa! Will that do?

GEPPETTO
That will do.

The Wood Sprite fades away.
116.


They all begin to laugh and celebrate.

The Cricket watches, feeling a little emotional himself.

CRICKET
Oh- life is such a wonderful gift!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio sacrifices himself to save Geppetto, only to be brought back to life by the wishes of his loved ones
Strengths "The emotional impact of Pinocchio's death and resurrection is strong. The themes of love and acceptance are well-developed. The ending brings a satisfying resolution to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose at times."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear arc of tension and release. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. The action is not clear enough. It's hard to visualize what's happening with Pinocchio in the water and on the shore. Adding more specific details would make the scene easier to understand and more engaging.

2. The emotion feels a bit forced. Geppetto's grief and the Cricket's anger come across as a bit too on-the-nose, without enough buildup or complexity. Adding more nuance to the characters and their reactions would make it feel more authentic.

3. The dialogue could be more impactful. The characters' lines feel a bit clichéd and predictable. If the dialogue were more specific and unique to each character, it would make the scene feel more authentic and emotionally gripping.

4. The pacing could be tighter. The scene is a bit long, and some of the moments could be trimmed to keep the tension high. In particular, the interaction with the Wood Sprite could be condensed to make it more impactful and efficient.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is emotionally impactful and the stakes are high. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Give Pinocchio a more heroic introduction: When Pinocchio shoots out of the water, it is revealed that he is missing limbs. This could be a very powerful moment if it is set up properly. Perhaps earlier in the script, Pinocchio is reluctant to put himself in danger to save Geppetto. By overcoming this fear and sacrificing his own body to save Geppetto, Pinocchio becomes a true hero.

2. Add more physical action to the scene: The scene is mostly dialogue-based, with characters weeping and hugging each other. While this is emotionally powerful, it would be more visually interesting if there were more physical action. Perhaps Pinocchio drags Geppetto onto the shore while being pursued by the Dogfish, or maybe Spazzatura has to navigate through the minefield to reach the shore.

3. Clarify the rules of the Wood Sprite's powers: At the end of the scene, the Wood Sprite grants the Cricket's wish and brings Pinocchio back to life. However, it's not entirely clear what the limitations are on her powers. Adding a line about what the Cricket is giving up in exchange for the wish would help clarify this.

4. Foreshadow the resurrection earlier in the script: When Pinocchio dies, it feels like a sudden and unexpected turn. However, if there were hints earlier in the script that Pinocchio might come back to life, the scene would feel more satisfying. For example, maybe the Cricket comes across a magical tree that is said to have the power to bring wooden boys to life, and he mentions it in passing.



Scene 39 - Epilogue
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP

Series of shots of Pinocchio, Geppetto, Spazz and Sebastian
living together in the house.

- Spazz pushes Geppetto in a wheelchair. Pinocchio reads to
them by the fire.

- The Cricket working on his book.

-Spazz and the Cricket play chess.

CRICKET
Checkmate.

- Teaching Pinocchio how to make puppets. They work together.

CRICKET (V.O.)
And so it was... That we lived our
lives. We never saw the Wood Sprite
again. Geppetto aged- Pinocchio
didn’t- And in time Geppetto
left...

- Pinocchio tucks Geppetto into bed. Geppetto FADES.
Pinocchio is alone.


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - DAY

CRICKET (V.O.)
One winter morning Pinocchio found
me by the window.

Pinocchio and Spazz walk past the window and see... Sebastian
in a dead, but peaceful pose on the windowsill.

CRICKET (V.O.)
I wasn’t moving anymore, so he put
me in a matchbox and he carries me
still with him. Right in his heart.


EXT. HILL BESIDE PINE FOREST

PULL OUT to reveal: A little matchbox is in his heart.
117.


Pinocchio and an old Spazzatura with a cane walk up the hill.

As they go, Spazz FADES AWAY as well. A third grave appears
at the top of the hill. It reads:

“SPAZZATURA - Star of the Stage”

Pinocchio places flowers at each of the graves on the hill.

Pinocchio tenderly touches Geppetto’s gravestone and heads
off into the sunset.

CRICKET
He ventured into the world. And the
world, I believe, embraced him
back. I’ve not heard of him in
quite awhile... Will he eventually
die? I think so-
(beat)
And maybe that makes him a real
boy. What happens, happens.
(beat)
And then we are gone...


INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM

RABBIT 4
Are you gonna keep yappin’ or are
you gonna play?

CAMERA pulls back to reveal Cricket is there, playing cards
with the Black Rabbits.

CRICKET
Do you mind? I was recounting my
life...

RABBIT 4
It was a good life!

RABBIT 3
Ahh, good enough.

He looks at CAMERA and winks!

CRICKET
Hit it, boys!

The Rabbits look around, confused. Cricket breaks into song.
Credits roll over song.
118.


CRICKET (SONG) (CONT’D)
My dear father loved to say:
Hop to the top of a day
The drops are easy to swallow.
My dear father loved to say:
Mop your tears and mend your
sorrows
To not drown your soul wishing for
better tomorrows.
You want to think bright,
You want to think right.
A star falling down, down, down
Doesn’t break the night.
You want to think bright
Whatever you do,
Shadows brings you down, down, down
Dimming all the light
As you try to climb.
For life has a funny way of going
‘round and ‘round
On a ride it goes, one day side to
side, one day upside down,
Down, down.

You can make it right,
Well worth a good fight
And if some days have downs and
lows
Open your arms to better tomorrows
A floating tune is in the air
(whistling)
The simple things you care to share
(whistling)
A trace of light, a flock of
sparrows,
Anything high you dare to follow
Open your arms to better tomorrows.
Tomorrows.
You want to think bright,
You want to think right
To let your heart sing, sing, sing
On a summer night.
You want to think bright
Whatever you do.
When the strings go zing, zing,
zing
Fly high with the band
Just get up and swing
(whistling)
You can make it right,
Well worth a good fight
And if some days have downs and
lows
Open your arms to better tomorrows
(MORE)
119.
CRICKET (SONG) (CONT'D)
Watercolors in May, painting a
purple sky
A pen, a line, a river.
Strokes on a mandolin playing a
gentle sigh,
These are the simple things that
matter.
You want to think bright,
You want to think right.
And let your heart sing, sing, sing
On a summer night.
You want to think bright
Whatever you do.
Teeny bells go ding, ding, ding
Laughing in the wind
A kite on a string
For life has a funny way of going
‘round and ‘round
On a ride it goes, one day side to
side, one day upside down
Down, down.
And you make it right,
And your heart is bright.
So let the world know how it goes:
Open your arms to better
Open your arms to better tomorrows.

BLACK.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Pinocchio mourns the loss of his loved ones before venturing off into the world.
Strengths "The scene provides a satisfying conclusion to the story by giving closure to the characters. The song sung by Cricket is emotionally impactful."
Weaknesses "The plot is simple and lacks significant conflict."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that the scene is well-written and emotional. It effectively ties up loose ends and provides a satisfying resolution to the story of Pinocchio and his companions. The scene has good pacing and the use of voice-over by the Cricket to narrate the passage of time works well. The song at the end of the scene is a nice touch and ties together the theme of hope and optimism for the future. Overall, the scene is a strong conclusion to the story and effectively touches on the themes of aging, mortality, and the passing of time.
Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to lack a clear emotional arc or focus. Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Establish a clear emotional tone: The scene seems to jump around from one moment to the next without really establishing a clear emotional tone. Consider focusing on one particular emotion (e.g. nostalgia, regret, hope) and threading it throughout the scene.

2. Build tension and release: There doesn't seem to be much tension or suspense in the scene, which can make it feel a bit flat. Consider adding some dramatic tension (e.g. Pinocchio struggling with Geppetto's illness, or feeling conflicted about leaving the workshop) that builds to a release or resolution.

3. Develop the characters: The scene has a lot of characters but doesn't really develop any of them in depth. Consider focusing more closely on one or two characters (e.g. Pinocchio and Geppetto) and exploring their relationship and growth over the course of the scene.

4. Make the stakes clearer: It's not entirely clear what's at stake in the scene or what the characters are fighting for. Consider making the stakes more explicit (e.g. Pinocchio is struggling to come to terms with Geppetto's mortality, or trying to find his place in the world) so that the audience has a clear sense of what's on the line.

5. Tighten up the pacing: The scene may benefit from tighter pacing, as some moments (e.g. the shot of the matchbox in Pinocchio's heart) feel a bit drawn out. Consider trimming some of the excess and focusing on the moments that really advance the story or character development.



Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

Geppetto

Geppetto is an older, talented woodcarver who is consumed by grief after the loss of his son Carlo. Though kind-hearted, he often struggles to balance his emotions with his duty as a father figure to Pinocchio. He is loving and caring, but at times can be stern and disapproving.



Carlo

Carlo was Geppetto's son who passed away during the Great War. He was playful and curious, and loved spending time with his father. A playful and studious boy who loved listening to fairy tales, playing in the hill, reading books and helping his father carve marionettes. He had a deep emotional connection with his father and was loved the same way. A joyful and proud son who brings happiness to his father. Carlo is Geppetto's son and a bright and curious child who loves spending time with his father. He has a creative spirit and is excited to learn from his father's talent.



The Cricket

Sebastian J. Cricket is a novelist and raconteur, suspicious and protective of his property. He is a wise and reflective character that watches over Geppetto and Pinocchio, thinking deeply about father and son relationships, loss, and love. He serves as a voice of reason and tries to stop Pinocchio from running away. The Cricket is ultimately trapped under a glass by Pinocchio, leading him to become introspective and doubt his ability to guide others. However, with encouragement from Geppetto, he regains his confidence and wisdom to continue guiding and advising them.



Pinocchio

Pinocchio is an innocent, naive, and curious wooden puppet who is learning about the world around him. He struggles with obedience and desires to explore the world beyond his father's workshop. Despite being easily influenced, he has a strong bond with his father and friends.



Cricket

The Cricket is a small and wise insect who serves as a mentor and guide to Pinocchio, always trying to steer him towards becoming a good puppet. He is loyal, supportive, and clever, often serving as comic relief with his witty quips and reactions. Despite his sometimes pessimistic outlook, the Cricket cares deeply about Pinocchio and tries his best to guide him in the right direction.



Podestà

Podestà is a fascist leader who wields significant power in the town. He is a strict and authoritarian figure who prioritizes maintaining order over showing compassion. He is responsible for indoctrinating young boys under his care and sees Pinocchio as a valuable asset to the fascist regime. He is cruel and manipulative, training children to serve his ideology.



Candlewick

Candlewick is a multifaceted character who undergoes significant changes throughout the movie. At the beginning, he is introduced as a menacing and rebellious character who poses a potential threat to Pinocchio and Geppeto. He comes across as cocky, confident, and not afraid to break the rules. However, as the story progresses, the audience discovers that Candlewick is also capable of being a loyal friend and can be playful and mischievous. Later, viewers see Candlewick's softer side when he bonds with Pinocchio over their shared weirdness and vulnerability. In the final act, he transforms into a brave and rebellious fighter who stands up against the oppressive regime.



Spazzatura

Spazzatura is a wild monkey who provides comic relief throughout the movie. He starts off as a loyal companion to Pinocchio but is mistreated by Count Volpe. He is downtrodden but ultimately helps Pinocchio and shows a playful side. He also becomes conflicted about helping Pinocchio but ultimately decides to do so and sacrifices himself in the process. Spazzatura ultimately becomes a valuable ally for Pinocchio and Geppetto and is loyal to his friends.



Count Volpe

Count Volpe is a conniving, manipulative, and greedy puppet master who is willing to exploit Pinocchio's talents for his own success. He is a smooth-talker who delights in exerting power and control over others and has no regard for their well-being.



CharacterArcCritiqueSuggestions
Geppetto Geppetto's character arc is defined by his journey from grief-stricken isolation to a renewed sense of purpose and acceptance. Initially consumed by his pain, Geppetto struggles to form a bond with Pinocchio. However, as he begins to teach Pinocchio the importance of honesty and morality, he slowly begins to let go of his pain and finds joy in being a father again. Though he still struggles with his emotions throughout the movie, he ultimately sacrifices himself to save Pinocchio and passes on a legacy of love and selflessness to his son. Overall, Geppetto's character arc is well-executed. He experiences believable emotional growth and his actions feel grounded in his established personality. However, there are moments where his behavior feels inconsistent, particularly in his interactions with Pinocchio. In some scenes, he is affectionate and patient, while in others he is distant and harsh. Additionally, his sacrifice at the end of the film feels somewhat rushed and underdeveloped. To improve Geppetto's character arc, the filmmakers could focus on strengthening the consistency of his behavior towards Pinocchio throughout the film. Additionally, more focus could be placed on developing his relationship with Pinocchio outside of their conflict, so his sacrifice feels more earned and impactful. Finally, adding more scenes showcasing his emotional vulnerability and pain would help round out his character and make his growth more impactful.
Carlo Carlo begins the story as a playful and curious child who loves spending time with his father and helping him carve marionettes. However, when he passes away during the Great War, Geppetto is left heartbroken and filled with regret for not spending more time with him. Throughout the story, Geppetto creates a marionette that resembles Carlo and names him Pinocchio. As the story progresses, Pinocchio's adventures mirror Carlo's life and Geppetto sees him grow into the kind, brave, and selfless son that Carlo always was. By the end of the story, Geppetto is able to find closure and let go of his grief, realizing that Carlo will always live on in his heart. The character arc for Carlo is limited, as he doesn't experience any growth or development beyond his initial introduction. The story revolves around Geppetto's grief and journey, with Carlo only serving as a catalyst for Geppetto's character development. To improve the character arc for Carlo, consider exploring his personality and traits further through flashbacks or dream sequences. Additionally, giving Carlo a more active role in the story, such as influencing Pinocchio's actions or communicating with Geppetto in a supernatural way, could add more depth to his character and make his impact on Geppetto more tangible.
The Cricket Throughout the movie, the Cricket experiences a journey from being suspicious and protective to becoming a wise and kind guide. He starts off as an intelligent but self-centered individual, but through his interactions with Geppetto and Pinocchio, he develops a deeper understanding of the importance of fatherhood and love. After being trapped under a glass and doubting his ability to guide others, he eventually regains his confidence and wisdom, becoming a source of encouragement for Geppetto and a trusted advisor to both Geppetto and Pinocchio. The Cricket's arc is well-developed and highlights the importance of learning from experiences and growing as a person. However, the arc could be enhanced by having more direct interactions with Pinocchio and exploring their relationship more deeply. Additionally, it would be helpful to see more clearly how the Cricket's journey impacts the main story of Geppetto and Pinocchio. To improve the arc, more scenes between Pinocchio and the Cricket should be included to develop their relationship and provide more depth to the story. It may also be beneficial to show how the Cricket's guidance impacts Geppetto and Pinocchio's decisions and actions throughout the movie. Lastly, having the Cricket participate in more action and plot-driven scenes could help to keep the audience engaged and invested in his character.
Pinocchio Pinocchio's character arc is one of growth and maturity. He starts off as a mischievous and impulsive puppet who is easily distracted from his commitments. As he navigates through the dangers and trials of fascist Italy, he matures and becomes more selfless. He learns to value the people close to him and cares for them deeply. He eventually proves himself to be brave and selfless, willing to make sacrifices for his loved ones. By the end of the story, he has become a mature and responsible young man who has learned valuable lessons about life and love. Pinocchio's character arc is well-developed and engaging. However, his growth seems to occur rapidly and without much reflection. It would be beneficial to see more internal conflict and self-reflection as he matures and learns from his experiences. Additionally, his lying is a recurring issue that is not fully resolved in the story. To improve Pinocchio's character arc, there could be more moments of introspection and reflection as he learns and grows. Also, it would be beneficial to address his lying more directly, perhaps by having him face the consequences of his actions. Overall, Pinocchio's character arc is well-crafted and engaging, but could benefit from more depth and nuance in his growth and development.
Cricket Cricket begins as a mediator and guide for Pinocchio, working towards his own personal goal of having his wish granted. As the story progresses, Cricket takes on a more supportive role and tries to convince Pinocchio to stay true to his promises and become a good puppet, even at the cost of his own wish. Although he faces setbacks and challenges, Cricket remains a loyal companion and successful mentor, guiding Pinocchio towards a better path and ultimately achieving his own personal peace in the end. The overall arc for Cricket is strong and consistent, providing a stable presence for Pinocchio throughout the story. However, it would be beneficial to see more of the Cricket's personal conflict or growth, aside from his desire to have his wish granted. This would add more depth to his character and further emphasize his selflessness towards Pinocchio. To further enhance Cricket's character arc, consider exploring his backstory or personal motivations beyond his desire for a wish. This could include past experiences that have shaped his outlook on life, or personal values that he seeks to impart on Pinocchio. Additionally, providing more moments of vulnerability or self-reflection for the Cricket would allow for a more emotional payoff in the end, as he achieves his own personal peace.
Podestà Podestà's arc begins with his initial introduction as a fascist leader with significant power. He then becomes the primary antagonist, impersonal and focused solely on maintaining order. The climax of his arc occurs when he tries to convince Pinocchio to become a soldier for the fascist regime. However, Pinocchio ultimately rejects this offer and Podestà is left empty-handed, losing his power and influence. The character arc for Podestà is impactful, however, it could benefit from more detail and nuance. The arc is primarily driven by external events rather than internal conflicts or changes. This makes Podestà feel like a one-dimensional character who is only there to serve as a villain. To improve Podestà's arc, it would be beneficial to explore his motivations and inner conflicts. Perhaps he is driven by a sense of duty towards his fascist ideology and genuinely believes his methods are the only way to maintain order. Alternatively, he could be struggling with a personal sense of doubt and insecurity, leading him to double down on his authoritarian ways. Adding these layers to his character would make the arc feel more impactful and meaningful.
Candlewick Candlewick's arc begins with him being a menacing and rebellious character who poses a potential threat to Pinocchio and Geppeto. He does not seem to care about anyone else's feelings or wellbeing and is solely focused on himself. However, after becoming friends with Pinocchio, his personality starts to change. Candlewick begins to bond with Pinocchio over their shared weirdness and vulnerability. By the middle of the movie, Candlewick matures into a more tactical and competitive person who is struggling with the disconnect between his father's beliefs about war and his own fears of dying. The climax of his arc takes place when he transforms into a brave and rebellious fighter who stands up against the oppressive regime. By the end of the movie, Candlewick has undergone significant changes and developed into a much more complete character than he was at the beginning of the movie. The character arc for Candlewick is generally well-executed and shows significant growth throughout the movie. However, there is an abrupt change from the middle of the arc to the climax, and it feels like there is an important moment missing that connects these two stages. Additionally, Candlewick's experiences with war could have been fleshed out more, and the audience could have been given more insight into his struggles. This would have created a more nuanced character and created a deeper emotional connection with the audience. To improve Candlewick's character arc, it would be helpful to include a transitional scene that connects the middle of his arc to the climax. This would allow the audience to better understand why he suddenly transformed into a brave fighter. Additionally, more screen time could have been devoted to exploring Candlewick's experiences with war and the internal struggles he faced. This would have created a more sympathetic and complete character that the audience would have been more invested in.
Spazzatura Spazzatura's character arc starts off as a victim, mistreated by Count Volpe and serving as a loyal companion to Pinocchio. However, as the story progresses, he becomes more empowered and ultimately decides to help Pinocchio despite his conflicting loyalty to Volpe. He sacrifices himself in the process, showing bravery and selflessness. Spazzatura's arc highlights growth and the importance of choosing one's own values and loyalties rather than blindly following others. Overall, Spazzatura's arc is well-developed and provides depth to a comedic character. However, as a minor character, his development could have been further amplified and explored. Additionally, his motivations for switching sides are not entirely clear and could have been strengthened. To improve Spazzatura's arc, his motivations and internal conflicts could be further developed and explored. Additionally, his comedic relief could be balanced with more serious moments to highlight the weight of his decisions. Further exploration of his backstory and how he became a henchman for Volpe could also add depth to his character.
Count Volpe Count Volpe's character arc begins with his desire to obtain Pinocchio for unknown reasons. As the story progresses, it becomes clear that he sees Pinocchio as a valuable asset to his show and will stop at nothing to obtain him. However, as Pinocchio begins to rebel against his control, Count Volpe becomes threatened by his success and tries to keep him under his thumb. In the end, his greed and desire for control lead to his downfall as he is ultimately defeated by Pinocchio and his friends. The character arc for Count Volpe is fairly predictable and lacks complexity. While his motivation for wanting Pinocchio is unclear at first, it becomes obvious that he is driven by greed and a desire for power. Additionally, his downfall feels rushed and lacks a sense of real consequence for his actions. To improve Count Volpe's character arc, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into his backstory and explore his motivations in greater detail. Perhaps there is a tragic event in his past that drives him to seek control and power over others. Additionally, his downfall could be made more impactful by having him face real consequences for his actions, such as losing everything he has worked for or being arrested for his crimes.
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern Explanation
Tone vs Emotional ImpactThere is a strong correlation between the tone of the scene and its emotional impact. Scenes that are more somber or melancholic tend to have higher emotional impact scores.
Dialogue vs PlotScenes with stronger dialogue tend to have weaker plot scores, and vice versa. This suggests that the author may have difficulty balancing these elements.
Conflict vs Move Story ForwardScenes with higher conflict scores also tend to have higher scores for moving the story forward. This suggests that conflict is an effective tool for advancing the plot.
Character Changes vs Emotional ImpactScenes with more significant character changes also tend to have higher emotional impact scores. This suggests that the audience is more invested in characters who experience significant growth or transformation throughout the story.
High Stakes vs Overall GradeScenes with higher stakes tend to receive higher overall grades. This suggests that the audience is more engaged when the outcome of a scene has significant consequences.


Stories Similar to this one

Story Explanation
Pinocchio Obviously, the most similar story to this screenplay, as it is an adaptation of the classic children's book by Carlo Collodi.
The Little Match Girl Both stories deal with the theme of loss, grief and a parent's love for their child. They also share a sad ending.
Big Fish Both stories deal with a father's love for their child and the power of storytelling and imagination. They also both feature elements of magical realism.
The Pianist Both stories deal with the horrors and effects of war and how they can impact individuals and families.
Life is Beautiful Like this screenplay, the movie explores the themes of war, grief, love and the power of imagination. It also has elements of fantasy and magical realism and features a father's love for his child.
Cinderella Both stories feature a parent mourning the loss of their child and a magical, fantastical creature (Pinocchio/Fairy Godmother) that assists the protagonist. They also deal with themes of transformation and forgiveness.
Pan's Labyrinth Both stories feature elements of fantasy and magical realism and deal with the horrors of war and the power of a child's imagination. They also both feature an older male character taking care of a young child.
Charlotte's Web Both stories features an animal character (cricket/Charlotte) helping and guiding the protagonist (Pinocchio/Wilbur) through difficult experiences. They also both deal with themes of loss and grief.
Finding Neverland Both stories deal with the power of imagination and the escape it can provide from difficult real-life situations. They also both feature a father-like figure bonding with a child and guiding them through difficult experiences.
Brave Little Toaster Both stories feature an inanimate object (Pinocchio/Toaster) coming to life and embarking on a journey. They both explore themes of identity and self-discovery and feature a loyal companion guiding the protagonist.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope Trope Details Trope Explanation
Parental GriefGeppetto grieves at his son Carlo's grave, recalling happy memories of reading and building together. Flashbacks establish their strong bond and Carlo's subsequent death in the war.Parental Grief refers to the trope of parents grieving over the loss of their child. An example of this trope can be seen in the show The Walking Dead when Rick grieves over the loss of his son Carl.
Magical PuppetA cricket and wood sprite guide him in carving Pinocchio, who comes to life. Geppetto is initially horrified but eventually accepts Pinocchio with the help of the cricket.The Magical Puppet trope is the use of a puppet or doll as a central figure in a story, often imbued with magical properties. An example of this trope can be seen in the show Chucky where a doll is possessed by a serial killer's spirit and causes havoc.
Coming of AgePinocchio explores the workshop and wanders through a town filled with fascist propaganda. He attends church and his nose grows, causing the crowd to mistake him for a demon. Geppetto files off the excess nose while the cricket tunes a tiny fiddle. Pinocchio interrupts a meeting and is suggested to attend school. Geppetto promises to make him new legs.Coming of Age refers to the trope of a young protagonist maturing and gaining life experience. An example of this trope can be seen in the show Stranger Things where the young characters face challenges and gain skills to help them overcome supernatural forces.
Evil CarnivalCount Volpe sets up his carnival around his puppet theater and becomes intrigued by the 'living puppet'. Meanwhile, Geppetto gives Pinocchio Carlo's schoolbook. Pinocchio is distracted by the carnival and becomes the star of Count Volpe's puppet show. He neglects school and his promise to attend it. Count Volpe introduces Pinocchio on stage, and he becomes a success. Geppetto searches for Pinocchio and finds the carnival, but Count Volpe is furious when he realizes that Pinocchio is gone.The Evil Carnival trope is the use of a carnival or fair as a setting for sinister or dangerous events. An example of this trope can be seen in the show American Horror Story: Freak Show where the carnival attracts the attention of murderers and monsters.
War is HellPinocchio joins a game in Limbo Anteroom before talking to Death and learning of his existence. Pinocchio appears dead, which results in conflicts about his contract and military purposes. Pinocchio runs away and joins the carnival, determined to prove himself and avoid going to war. Geppetto discovers Pinocchio's plan and tries to catch up with him on his journey. Meanwhile, Pinocchio performs and travels in many different towns and cities.War is Hell is a common trope used to convey the intense suffering and trauma of war. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie Saving Private Ryan where the soldiers face unimaginable horrors during World War II.
Bonding Over Shared InterestsPinocchio and Candlewick bond over their fathers' beliefs and participate in a silly war game. Candlewick rebels, resulting in the Podestà's death and their escape. Pinocchio is captured by Volpe and Spazz, but they eventually escape and are swallowed by the Dogfish. They escape with Geppetto's help but are chased by the Dogfish towards their group.Bonding Over Shared Interests refers to the trope of characters forming a relationship through shared interests or activities. An example of this trope can be seen in the show Stranger Things where the characters bond over their love of Dungeons and Dragons.
Hero's SacrificePinocchio detonates a mine inside the Dogfish, saving everyone but knocking out Geppetto. Pinocchio goes to Limbo and breaks the rules to save Geppetto before coming back to life.The Hero's Sacrifice trope is the use of a character sacrificing themselves for the greater good. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie Avengers: Endgame where Iron Man sacrifices himself to save the universe.
Passing The TorchPinocchio and his companions live together until Geppetto and Spazz pass away.Passing The Torch is the trope of a character leaving a legacy or passing on their skills or knowledge to another character. An example of this trope can be seen in the show Doctor Who where the Doctor passes on the legacy of his time-traveling adventures to new companions.


Theme Theme Details Themee Explanation
Grief and LossGeppetto grieves the loss of his son Carlo in the war and builds Pinocchio in his memory. Throughout the story, Geppetto struggles with the burden of his grief and the memories of his son.One of the primary and most prominent themes in the screenplay is grief and loss. The story starts with Geppetto grieving the death of his son Carlo and continues to explore his journey of coping with the loss. Through his interactions with Pinocchio, Geppetto learns to come to terms with his grief and finds a way to honor the memory of his son.
Acceptance and TransformationGeppetto is initially horrified at the idea of a living puppet, but with the help of the cricket, he learns to accept Pinocchio into his life. Pinocchio also transforms throughout the story from a wooden puppet to a sentient being with complex emotions.Another important theme in the screenplay is acceptance and transformation. Geppetto's journey of accepting Pinocchio and learning to love him as his own son is a significant part of the story. Additionally, Pinocchio's transformation from a puppet to a sentient being capable of emotions and self-awareness is a significant aspect of the story.
War and its EffectsThe impact of war on Geppetto and Carlo's relationship is explored in flashbacks. Pinocchio's avoidance of war and his eventual discovery of the truth about it is an integral part of the story.The theme of war and its effects on the lives of people is another crucial aspect of the screenplay. The story explores the impact of war on Geppetto and Carlo's relationship and the struggles that children face when forced to participate in war. Pinocchio's avoidance of war and his eventual discovery of the truth about it is also an important part of the story. The screenplay highlights the horrors of war and the long-lasting effects it has on people's lives and relationships.
Identity and Self-DiscoveryPinocchio's journey of self-discovery as he navigates his way through the world, discovers the truth about himself, and finds his place in life.Identity and self-discovery are first evident when Pinocchio comes to life and has to figure out who he is. Pinocchio struggles with his identity and longs to be accepted as a real boy, which motivates much of his behavior. Through his journey, Pinocchio learns about who he is and discovers his place in the world.
Betrayal and DeceptionCount Volpe takes advantage of Pinocchio's naivety for his own gain. Pinocchio is deceived by Count Volpe and learns the hard way about the consequences of trusting the wrong people.Betrayal and deception are a recurring theme in the screenplay. Pinocchio is repeatedly deceived by others throughout the story, and this theme is used to emphasize the importance of trust and the potentially severe consequences of betrayal and deception.



Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site Description
Studio Binder Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts
Voice Analysis
Summary: The writer's voice throughout the screenplay is characterized by a blend of whimsy, darkness, and emotional depth. The dialogue is often playful and poetic, reflecting the fantastical nature of the story, while the narrative descriptions are vivid and evocative, creating a rich and immersive atmosphere. The writer's unique voice contributes to the overall mood, themes, and depth of the screenplay by effectively capturing the emotions of the characters and exploring complex themes such as grief, loss, identity, and the power of love. The voice also adds a sense of whimsy and magic to the story, creating a fairy tale-like experience for the audience.
Voice Contribution The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a distinct and immersive world for the characters to inhabit. The playful and poetic dialogue brings depth and authenticity to the characters, allowing the audience to connect with their emotions and struggles. The vivid and evocative narrative descriptions set the scene and create a visually stunning atmosphere, enhancing the overall mood of the screenplay. The voice also explores complex themes in a relatable and thought-provoking way, adding depth and layers to the story. Overall, the writer's voice is integral to the screenplay's success in creating a magical and emotionally resonant experience for the audience.
Best Representation Scene 14 - Count Volpe's Palace
Best Scene Explanation Scene 14 is the best representation of the author's unique voice because it showcases the whimsical and surreal elements, as well as the poetic and eccentric dialogue that are characteristic of the writer's style. The scene description is lively and dynamic, with action-packed descriptions and moments of visual comedy. The combination of vivid imagery, quirky dialogue, and lively scene direction perfectly encapsulates the writer's unique voice and creates a memorable and engaging scene.
Originality
  • Overall originality score: 7
  • Overall originality explanation: The screenplay showcases a fresh and creative take on the classic story of Pinocchio, incorporating unique elements such as a World War II setting, supernatural elements, and political commentary. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.
  • Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay are Pinocchio's encounters with fascist propaganda, his conversations with Death, and his participation in a war game.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal GoalsGeppetto's internal goal in this script is to process and let go of his grief for his son, Carlo. Carlo's internal goal is to feel safe, loved, and secure. Pinocchio's internal goal is to be accepted and perceived as a real boy. Spazz's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and purpose. The Cricket's internal goal is to survive and protect his home.
External Goals Geppetto's external goal is to secure his tools and get home safely. Pinocchio's external goal is to reunite with his father and find a sense of belonging. The protagonist's external goal is to continue living his life after the loss of his son. Count Volpe's external goal is to use Pinocchio for his puppet theater. Spazz's external goal is to find Pinocchio and bring him back to life. Geppetto's external goal is to find Pinocchio and protect him. The protagonist's external goal is to find his father and reunite with him. Pinocchio's external goal is to save his father and prove himself as a good son.
Philosophical Conflict The overarching philosophical conflict in this script is the tension between reality and fantasy, the power of love, the nature of existence, and the clash of societal norms and individual identity.


Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflict contribute to the character's development by challenging their beliefs, values, and desires. They go on a journey of self-discovery and growth, facing internal and external obstacles that shape their identity and understanding of the world.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflict contribute to the narrative structure by providing a clear motivation and direction for the characters. They drive the plot forward and create tension and suspense. The evolving goals and conflicts create a sense of progression and development in the story.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflict contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring themes of loss, grief, acceptance, love, identity, freedom, and the power of storytelling. They raise philosophical questions and challenge societal norms, adding depth and complexity to the overall narrative.


Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site Description
Creative Screenwriting How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?
World Building
  • Physical environment: The world is a mix of natural environments, including hillside pine forest, workshop, bedroom, town, village, church, forest, underwater cave, ocean, beach, carnival, Limbo, Dogfish, and various towns and cities.
  • Culture: The cultural elements include Geppetto's Italian heritage, fascist propaganda, puppetry, Catholicism, religious artifacts, Italian language, patriotic fervor, and entertainment.
  • Society: The societal structures include familial relationships, authority figures like Podestà and Town Priest, a youth camp, wartime military hierarchy, carnival hierarchy, performance hierarchy, and a community structure.
  • Technology: The technological aspects include pig-doorbell, guns, paint grenades, power lines, manually powered tools and equipment, truck, searchlights, bomber planes, mines, and confetti-loaded grenades.
  • Characters influence: The unique physical environment, culture, society, and technology shape the characters' experiences and actions by influencing their emotions, motivations, and choices. They provide them with opportunities, challenges, and conflicts.
  • Narrative contribution: These world elements contribute to the narrative by creating a rich and immersive setting. They establish the time period, cultural context, and societal norms. They also serve as backdrops for character development, plot progression, and conflict resolution.
  • Thematic depth contribution: These world elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring themes such as grief, loss, family, tradition, war, identity, power dynamics, loyalty, sacrifice, patriotism, manipulation, and redemption. They provide a multi-dimensional and thought-provoking exploration of human experiences and emotions.

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'Pinocchio' is a well-crafted and compelling story that explores themes of family, identity, and the moral complexities of war through the lens of a beloved fairy tale character. The strong character development, particularly in the relationship between Pinocchio and Geppetto, as well as the incorporation of timely social and political commentary, make this screenplay a compelling and thought-provoking work. While there are a few areas for improvement, such as the integration of the carnival subplot and the pacing of the limbo sequences, the overall narrative is engaging and emotionally resonant. The screenplay is recommended for further development and consideration.

Strengths
Areas of Improvement
MissingElements
  • While the overall character arcs are well-developed, more insight into Geppetto's emotional journey during the years following Carlo's death could deepen the audience's understanding and investment in the central relationship. medium ( Scene 5 (INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - THE YEARS PASS)   )
  • The opening sequence could be strengthened by providing more context and foreshadowing for the eventual conflict between Pinocchio and Geppetto, establishing their dynamic earlier in the story. medium ( Scene 1 (EXT. THE HILL - DUSK)   )
NotablePoints
  • The sequence depicting the conscription of Candlewick and other young boys for the war effort is a powerful and timely commentary on the harsh realities of fascism and its impact on families. high ( Scene 19 (EXT. TOWN BRIDGE - NIGHT)   )
  • The scene where Pinocchio confronts Count Volpe and stands up for Spazzatura showcases the character's growing sense of morality and independence, foreshadowing his eventual transformation. medium ( Scene 28 (INT. PUPPET THEATER - EVENING)   )
  • The climactic sequence where Pinocchio sacrifices himself to save Geppetto is a poignant and emotionally impactful moment that solidifies the central theme of the story. high ( Scene 38 (EXT. OCEAN - DAY)   )
Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number Line
10Pinocchio: I'm a real boy!
6Wood Sprite: Well, in this world you get what you give.
29Pinocchio: I can't die!!
11Geppetto: And a lie is- plain to see as your nose... And...
34Count Volpe: You will burn! Burn bright, like a star!