Avatar

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Adventure, Action, Science Fiction, Sci-Fi, Drama, Fantasy, Romance

Setting: The story takes place in the future, specifically on the moon of Pandora in the year 2154., Pandora, a moon of the gas giant Polyphemus in the Alpha Centauri star system.

Overview: In a distant future, a wounded warrior, Jake Sully, is sent to Pandora, a lush alien moon inhabited by the Na'vi. Tasked with infiltrating the Na'vi and securing access to valuable resources, Jake soon finds himself torn between the humans' mission and his growing affinity for the Na'vi culture. As a conflict erupts between the two civilizations, Jake must choose a side and confront the devastating consequences of war.

Themes: Nature vs Technology, Cultural Clash and Understanding, Personal Transformation and Growth, Colonialism and Imperialism, The Power of Love and Connection

Conflict and Stakes: The primary conflict is between the Na'vi and the RDA, a corporation that wants to remove the Na'vi from their land to extract valuable resources. The stakes are high, as the Na'vi's way of life and the entire ecosystem of Pandora are at risk. Jake Sully, the protagonist, is caught in the middle, as he is initially working for the RDA but later becomes sympathetic to the Na'vi and their cause.

Overall Mood: Epic and emotional, with a strong sense of wonder and adventure.

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

  • Scene 1: The opening scene is gritty and raw, with Jake Sully struggling to adjust to his new life as a paraplegic.
  • Scene 10: The scene in which Jake first experiences the avatar program is awe-inspiring and emotional, as he is able to walk again and explore a new world.
  • Scene 25: The final battle between the Na'vi and the RDA is intense and emotional, with high stakes and a strong sense of urgency.

Standout Features:

  • Unique Setting: The story takes place on the moon of Pandora, which is home to a diverse and imaginative ecosystem and a unique indigenous culture.
  • Compelling Characters: The screenplay features a diverse and well-developed cast of characters, including the protagonist Jake Sully, the Na'vi princess Neytiri, and the head of security for the RDA, Colonel Miles Quaritch.
  • Strong Central Conflict: The conflict between the Na'vi and the RDA is well-established and provides a strong foundation for the story.

Comparable Scripts:

  • Dances with Wolves
  • FernGully: The Last Rainforest
  • The Jungle Book
  • Pocahontas
  • The New World
  • The Lord of the Rings
  • Star Wars
  • E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
  • The Chronicles of Narnia
  • The Dark Crystal

Writing Style:

The screenplay showcases a rich and immersive storytelling style, combining elements of science fiction, action, and emotional depth. It features complex characters, high-stakes conflicts, and intricate narratives that keep the audience engaged.

Style Similarities:

  • James Cameron
  • Christopher Nolan
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Recommend


Explanation: The screenplay for 'Avatar' is recommended for its effective world-building, strong character development, visually stunning action sequences, compelling exploration of themes, and immersive introduction to the conflict between humans and Na'vi. However, areas of improvement include the need for more nuanced dialogue, improved pacing in certain sections, deeper exploration of character motivations, and clarity on the Na'vi's responses to significant events. Notable points include pivotal moments in character journeys, the introduction of key locations, emotional depth in character arcs, and the portrayal of the antagonist's motivations.


USP: Discover a captivating blend of raw human emotion, immersive world-building, and high-stakes conflict in this groundbreaking script. Witness Jake Sully, a disabled veteran, navigate the wonders and dangers of Pandora, an alien moon teeming with unique creatures and advanced technology. As Jake becomes entangled in the complex power dynamics between the Na'vi, the humans, and the futuristic corporation driving their exploitation, he must confront his own identity, loyalty, and inner strength. With its richly drawn characters, innovative storytelling techniques, and thought-provoking themes, this script delivers a thrilling and unforgettable journey through the lens of a gritty, action-packed, and emotionally resonant voice.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$250-300 million

Target Audience Demographics: The target audience demographics for this screenplay are likely to be adults aged 18-49, with a particular appeal to science fiction and fantasy fans.

Marketability: The story has a unique and imaginative setting, compelling characters, and a strong central conflict that is sure to appeal to a wide audience. The success of the first Avatar film also bodes well for the marketability of this screenplay.

The story explores important themes such as the impact of corporate greed on the environment and the importance of preserving indigenous cultures. These themes are likely to resonate with many viewers and generate discussion and debate.

The first Avatar film was a massive success, both critically and commercially. This screenplay has the potential to build on that success and attract a large and dedicated fanbase.

Profit Potential: High, due to the strong appeal of the first Avatar film and the potential for this screenplay to attract a wide audience.

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by its raw, gritty, and action-packed style, with a focus on immersive world-building and character-driven storytelling.

Best representation: Scene 10 - Jake's Exciting Encounter with Prehistoric Creatures. Scene 10 effectively encapsulates the writer's unique voice through its combination of realistic dialogue, vivid descriptions of the alien world, and high-stakes action, highlighting the themes of exploration and conflict that pervade the screenplay.

Memorable Lines:

  • Jake: All I ever wanted in my sorry-ass life was a single thing worth fighting for. (Scene 1)
  • Jake: If it ain’t rainin’ we ain’t trainin’! (Scene 2)
  • MAN: You are not in Kansas any more... (Scene 3)
  • Jake: Maybe I was just tired of doctors telling me what I couldn’t do. (Scene 7)
  • Jake: I See you Brother, and thank you. Your spirit goes with Eywa, your body stays behind to become part of the People. (Scene 18)
Characters

Jake Sully:A former marine who becomes a paraplegic and later joins the Avatar Program to replace his deceased twin brother, Tom.

Neytiri:A Na'vi princess who teaches Jake the ways of her people and becomes his love interest.

Colonel Miles Quaritch:The head of security for the RDA, who is determined to remove the Na'vi from the land that contains valuable resources.

Grace Augustine:The head of the Avatar Program, who is sympathetic to the Na'vi and wants to establish peaceful relations with them.

Norm Spellman:A scientist who befriends Jake and later joins the Na'vi in their fight against the RDA.

Story Shape
Summary The screenplay follows the journey of Jake Sully, a disabled veteran who becomes involved in a conflict that takes him to the moon of Pandora. Jake's struggles with his disability, grief over his brother's death, and inner conflicts are explored as he navigates the gritty city streets, the high-tech human colony, and the lush jungles of Pandora. Through Jake's experiences with the Na'vi culture, his growing relationship with Neytiri, and his involvement in the battle against the human invaders, the story delves into themes of identity, loyalty, and the consequences of greed and destruction. The screenplay culminates in a climactic battle between the RDA and the Na'vi, with Jake ultimately finding a new sense of purpose and belonging in Pandora.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The plot and story of this screenplay are engaging and compelling, with a strong focus on environmentalism, cultural preservation, and the power of teamwork. The film successfully balances spectacle and action with meaningful themes, creating an immersive and emotionally resonant experience for the audience. However, the predictability of certain plot points and the underdeveloped motivations of some characters hinder the screenplay from reaching its full potential.
Suggestions: - Explore the motivations and backstories of the main characters in more depth, particularly Neytiri and Quaritch, to add complexity and emotional depth. - Introduce more unexpected twists or surprises in the plot to keep the audience engaged and guessing. -Tighten the pacing of the second act to maintain a sense of urgency and momentum.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The beginning of the screenplay effectively establishes the protagonist's world, motivations, and the central conflict. The introduction of Jake Sully and his journey to Pandora is engaging and sets up the themes of the film. However, the exposition-heavy dialogue could be streamlined to create a more captivating and immersive opening.
Suggestions: - Consider opening the film with a visually stunning action sequence or a powerful scene that immediately grabs the audience's attention. - Reduce the reliance on dialogue-heavy exposition and find more creative ways to introduce the characters and their motivations. - Introduce the conflict more gradually, allowing the audience to become invested in the characters and their relationships before the stakes are raised.
Middle The middle section of the screenplay effectively develops the relationships between the characters and explores the themes of cultural clash and environmentalism. The training sequences and the interactions between Jake and Neytiri provide a strong emotional foundation for the story. However, the pacing could be tightened in some areas to maintain a sense of urgency and momentum.
Suggestions: - Consider cutting or streamlining some of the training sequences to keep the pace moving. - Introduce more conflict and obstacles to challenge the characters and raise the stakes of the story. - Explore the cultural differences between the Na'vi and humans in more depth to create a richer and more nuanced world.
Ending The ending of the screenplay is emotionally satisfying and delivers a powerful message about the importance of protecting the environment and respecting indigenous cultures. The battle scenes are visually stunning and the resolution of the conflict is both satisfying and thought-provoking. However, the pacing could be improved to create a more impactful and memorable climax.
Suggestions: - Consider adding a more dramatic or unexpected twist to the climax to increase the emotional impact. - Tighten the pacing of the battle scenes to create a more intense and visceral experience for the audience. - Allow more time for the characters to reflect on their journey and the lessons they have learned.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - Jake's Night Out: From Frustration to Fight Gritty, Intense, Defiant 9 8 99 9 887989988 89988
2 - Jake's Defiance and Grief: The Crematorium Scene Gritty, Intense, Emotional, Dark 8 9 89 7 787988988 79988
3 - Jake's Arrival on Pandora: A Mix of Awe and Conflict Suspenseful, Foreboding, Intense, Mysterious 8 9 89 7 687889986 79888
4 - Jake's Arrival and Introduction to His Avatar on Pandora Intense, Foreboding, Informative, Inquisitive 8 9 89 7 689889976 79888
5 - Grace Augustine's Disappointment in Jake Sully Sarcastic, Intense, Informative 8 8 79 9 687887876 89988
6 - Clash of Priorities: Security vs. Research Tense, Confrontational, Sarcastic 8 8 89 7 689988987 99988
7 - Jake's Virtual Reality Debut: Overcoming Limitations Defiant, Child-like wonder, Intense 8 9 89 7 887777878 79888
8 - Jake's Introduction to the Avatar Compound and Pandora's Destruction Excitement, Tension, Adventure 8 8 89 7 787988977 79888
9 - Jake's Dual Loyalties: Trust of the Na'vi vs. Human Intelligence Intense, Serious, Suspenseful 8 8 89 7 787989987 79888
10 - Preparing for First Contact: Skepticism and Discovery on Pandora Tense, Mysterious, Nostalgic 8 8 79 8 787787887 99988
11 - Jake's Exciting Encounter with Prehistoric Creatures Intense, Thrilling, Suspenseful 9 9 89 8 7879910988 79988
12 - Jake's Perilous Introduction to Pandora's Bioluminescent Forest and Neytiri Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Confrontational 9 9 89 9 889999988 89988
13 - Jake's Fate: To Live or Die Among the Na'vi Tense, Mysterious, Hostile, Curious 8 8 79 8 787988887 79888
14 - Jake's First Na'vi Dinner: Building Trust and Overcoming Challenges Tense, Suspenseful, Intriguing, Serious 8 8 89 7 687787876 89888
15 - Jake's Pandora Debut: Cultural Lessons and a Direhorse Ride Informative, Serious, Instructional 8 8 79 8 787776876 79888
16 - Awe-Inspiring Flight to the Floating Mountains of Pandora awe-inspiring, excited, informative 8 9 79 8 587576876 79888
17 - Jake's Promotion and Neytiri's Banshee Encounter Excitement, Tension, Curiosity 8 9 78 8 787686877 69888
18 - Jake's Na'vi Lessons: Culture, Language, and Trust Intense, Educational, Reflective 8 8 79 9 887686787 79988
19 - Jake's Health Concerns and Grace's Emotional Story Serious, Emotional, Reflective 8 8 79 9 887788789 89888
20 - Jake's Banshee Taming Adventure Exciting, Thrilling, Adventurous 9 9 89 8 889898989 79988
21 - Flight Training, Hidden Conflicts, and the Leonopteryx: A Day on Pandora Exciting, Adventurous, Thrilling, Informative 9 9 89 7 887788988 79888
22 - Rider of Last Shadow Mysterious, Intense, Serious, Emotional, Joyful 9 8 99 8 787788879 89988
23 - Jake's Determination: Convincing Quaritch and Facing Relocation Challenges Serious, Intense, Foreboding 8 8 99 8 887989978 79888
24 - Jake's Dangerous Quest: A Na'vi Vision Quest Tense, Emotional, Confrontational, Defiant 9 8 98 9 8879899710 89988
25 - Jake's Dream Hunt Revelation and Clan Acceptance Mystical, Intense, Emotional, Surreal 9 9 89 8 898788889 79988
26 - A Night of Connection and Commitment: Jake and Neytiri's Mating Intimate, Magical, Emotional 9 9 89 9 897364779 89888
27 - Jake Saves Neytiri and Confronts Tsu'tey: The Battle for the Willow Glade Tense, Dramatic, Emotional 9 8 99 9 887989989 89988
28 - Conflicts Arise: Jake's Arrest and Grace's Collapse Intense, Confrontational, Dramatic 8 8 99 8 787989988 79988
29 - Preparing for War: The Destruction of Hometree Tense, Emotional, Dramatic 9 8 99 9 889999989 89988
30 - The Fall of Hometree: A Betrayal and a Loss Intense, Tragic, Dramatic, Heartbreaking 9 8 99 8 88999109810 79988
31 - The Connection is Cut: A Daring Escape Tense, Dramatic, Emotional, Defiant 9 8 99 8 887989989 79988
32 - Escape from the Base Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Tense 8 8 89 7 789989988 79988
33 - Race Against Time: Jake's Daring Journey to the Well of Souls Intense, Emotional, Sorrowful 9 9 89 9 887989979 89888
34 - Jake Confronts the Omaticaya Clan and Rallies them to Fight against the Sky People Epic, Tragic, Hopeful 9 9 99 8 889889989 79988
35 - Clash of Intentions: Preparing for Battle Intense, Dramatic, Tense 8 8 99 8 789999988 79988
36 - Preparing for Battle: Jake Teaches and Seeks Divine Intervention Intense, Emotional, Dramatic 9 8 99 8 787989979 79888
37 - Aerial Battle in the Rainforest Intense, Dramatic, Chaotic 9 8 99 8 8899910989 79988
38 - Aerial Combat Over the Floating Mountains Intense, Dramatic, Suspenseful 9 9 99 8 789989988 79988
39 - Chaos and Triumph: The Battle in the Forest Intense, Chaotic, Dramatic, Heroic 9 9 89 8 7899910989 79988
40 - Jake's Daring Attempt and Trudy's Heroic Sacrifice: The Final Battle's Climactic Moment Intense, Dramatic, Suspenseful 9 8 99 8 889999989 79988
41 - The Final Battle: Quaritch's Last Stand Intense, Dramatic, Suspenseful, Emotional 9 8 99 8 889999979 79988
42 - Jake's Transformation: From Human to Na'vi Leader Intense, Emotional, Solemn, Hopeful 9 9 89 9 9897888710 89888


Scene 1 - Jake's Night Out: From Frustration to Fight
EXT. CITY - NIGHT

A SCREECH OF BRAKES as a vehicle WIPES FRAME, revealing --

JAKE SULLY, a scarred and scruffy combat vet, sitting in a
beat up carbon-fiber wheelchair. At 22, his eyes are
hardened by the wisdom and wariness of one who has endured
pain beyond his years.

Jake stares upward at the levels of the city. MAGLEV TRAINS
WHOOSH overhead on elevated tracks, against a sky of garish
advertizing.

JAKE (V.O.)
They can fix a spinal, if you’ve got the
money. But not on vet benefits, not in
this economy.

The traffic light changes and Jake pushes forward with the
crowd, pumping the wheels of his chair. Most of the people
wear FILTER MASKS to protect them from the toxic air. In a
LONG LENS STACK it is a marching torrent of anonymous,
isolated souls.

INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The room is a tiny CUBICLE, prison cell meets 747 bathroom.
Narrow cot, wall-screen droning away in the B.G. --

PERKY NEWSCASTER
The Bengal tiger, extinct for over a
century, is making a comeback. These
cloned tiger cubs at the Beijing Zoo
are...


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2.



Jake laboriously pulls his pants off -- rocking to one side,
pushing the fabric down past his hip, then rocking to the
other, and so on.

His legs are white and atrophied. Utterly useless. But his
arms are tattooed and powerfully muscled. A “Born Loser”
tattoo prominent on his shoulder.

JAKE (V.O.)
I became a Marine for the hardship. To
be hammered on the anvil of life. I told
myself I could pass any test a man can
pass.

Jake struggles with his pants a long time.
CUT TO:

INT. ROWDY BAR -- NIGHT

Not the kind of place you’d bring your mom.

We find Jake near the pool table, BALANCING his chair, front
wheels off the ground, while holding a tequila shot on his
forehead. ONLOOKERS, including some other disabled vets,
CLAP and WHOOP.

Jake grabs the glass, SLAMS down the shot as they cheer.

A WALL-SIZED SCREEN filled with the World Cup game -- men
RUNNING on antelope legs.

CU JAKE, watching what he can’t have. Expression stony.

JAKE (V.O.)
Let’s get it straight up front. I don’t
want your pity. I know the world’s a
cold-ass bitch.

Jake’s eyes shift -- HIS POV, seeing the bar through gaps in
the crowd. A MAN on a barstool SLAPS the WOMAN he’s with.
Hard. She cowers but he’s got her arm, shouting, raising his
fist. An eternal tableau. People look away.

CU JAKE -- not looking away.

JAKE (V.O.)
You want a fair deal, you’re on the wrong
planet. The strong prey on the weak.

TIGHT ON JAKE’S HAND as he starts pushing the wheel of his
chair.

TRACKING WITH HIM as he rolls forward.


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3.



JAKE (V.O.)
It’s just the way things are. And nobody
does a damn thing.

Jake stops, unnoticed, next to the bullying man. He leans
down and grabs one leg of the man’s barstool -- and YANKS.

The chair flips. The guy goes down HARD and --

JAKE hurls himself from the wheelchair, toppling on the guy,
getting a grip on him like a pit bull and PUNCHING the crap
out of him, right there on the floor.

THE BOUNCER jumps in, trying to drag him off and it goes into
SLOW MOTION, everybody yelling and pulling...

JAKE (V.O.)
All I ever wanted in my sorry-ass life
was a single thing worth fighting for.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary The scene opens with Jake Sully, a disabled veteran, facing difficulties in his small apartment and then heading to a crowded city street at night. At a rowdy bar, he intervenes in a man abusing a woman, leading to a physical altercation. The scene concludes with Jake being forcibly removed from the bar by the bouncer. Throughout the scene, Jake expresses his inner thoughts and feelings, creating a gritty and raw atmosphere with visual elements such as maglev trains, a large World Cup screen, and Jake's struggles with his disability.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Gritty atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up the protagonist's character well. It effectively establishes the tone and themes of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a disabled veteran struggling in a harsh urban environment and finding a reason to fight is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear setup of the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like advanced technology, societal divisions, and a protagonist with a complex internal struggle. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, especially the protagonist Jake Sully, whose resilience and defiance are central to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant change by finding a reason to fight and standing up against injustice.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find something worth fighting for in his life, as he reflects on his past choices and experiences.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stand up against injustice and fight for what he believes is right, as seen when he takes action against the bullying man in the bar.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist's internal struggles and the external challenges he faces creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles that drive the conflict and propel the story forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist confronts a bully and takes a stand for what he believes in.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the protagonist's motivations and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions taken by the protagonist and the tension created by the philosophical conflict and external challenges he faces.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's belief in fighting for what is right in a world where the strong prey on the weak, challenging his worldview and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of defiance, anger, and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and struggles of the protagonist.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional depth, and the protagonist's compelling journey to find purpose in his life.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a buildup of tension leading to the climax.


Critique
  • The opening shot is too long and doesn't establish the character or setting well.
  • The dialogue is too on the nose and doesn't reveal anything new about the character.
  • The action is too over the top and doesn't feel realistic.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or goal.
  • The scene is too long and could be cut down to make it more effective.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a close-up of Jake's face, then slowly pull out to reveal the setting.
  • Give Jake a more specific goal or motivation.
  • Make the action more realistic and believable.
  • Cut down the scene to make it more focused and impactful.



Scene 2 - Jake's Defiance and Grief: The Crematorium Scene
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR -- NIGHT

THE BOUNCER hurls Jake out the door, sending him SPRAWLING on
the pavement. A moment later, his chair CRASHES down on him,
banging across the alley, landing in the trash.

Jake struggles to rise on one elbow. He’s bleeding and
bruised, but still crazed and ready to fight.

JAKE
I hope you realize you’ve just lost a
customer!

He collapses onto his back, panting.

JAKE
(to himself)
Candy ass bitch.

He stares upwards at the levels of the city. MAGTRAINS ROAR
overhead. It starts to RAIN. He just lies there, blinking --
then shouts jauntily to no one in particular --

JAKE
If it ain’t rainin’ we ain’t trainin’!

CAMERA PULLS BACK high and wide, as Jake lies spread-eagled
amongst the trash, getting drenched.

TWO LONG SHADOWS enter FRAME, coming to rest across him.




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4.



Jake sees two pairs of SHINY SHOES stop next to him. He
squints up at --

TWO MEN. Matching suits. Their features unremarkable and
blandly threatening in the way of FBI agents and auditors.

AGENT 1
Are you Jake Sully?

JAKE
Step off. You’re ruinin’ my good mood.

AGENT 2
It’s about your brother.
CUT TO:

INT. MUNICIPAL CREMATORIUM - NIGHT

DOWN-ANGLE on a large rectangular cardboard box. HANDS ENTER
FRAME, pulling open the top to reveal a DEAD MAN’S FACE. He
looks EXACTLY like a clean-shaven version of Jake. His
IDENTICAL TWIN -- TOMMY.

JAKE (V.O.)
The strong prey on the weak. A guy with
a knife took all Tommy would ever be, for
the paper in his wallet.

WIDER, showing Jake and the two agents in a high tech
CREMATORIUM -- a row of stainless steel furnaces. Jake
stares down at his own face.

JAKE
Jesus, Tommy.

JAKE (V.O.)
The Suits’ concern was touching.

AGENT 1
Your brother represented a significant
investment. We’d like to talk to you
about taking over his contract.

The ATTENDANT closes the box and seals it with a tape
dispenser, like it’s a package for shipping. The cardboard
coffin is rolled into the furnace.

JAKE (V.O.)
The egghead and the jarhead. Tommy was
the scientist, not me. He was the one
who wanted to get shot light years out
into space to find the answers.



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5.



PUSHING IN ON JAKE as he watches, bathed in orange light.

JAKE (V.O.)
Me -- I was just another dumb grunt
gettin’ sent someplace I was gonna
regret.

INSIDE THE FURNACE the burners quickly eat away the
cardboard; TOMMY’S FACE is, for a moment, wreathed in flame
but not touched by it, as we --
DISSOLVE TO:

JAKE’S FACE, in icy darkness. CLOSE ON his eyes -- they OPEN
suddenly, and he takes a sharp breath.

JAKE’S POV -- the inside of a metal coffin. A SERVO WHINE
and we are moving, emerging into a large chamber --
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Jake, a defiant and cynical character, is thrown out of a bar and is lying in an alley, getting rained on. He is approached by two agents who want to discuss his brother's contract. Jake's defiance and reluctance to take over the contract creates a conflict with the agents. The scene ends with them going to a crematorium where Jake's identical twin brother is about to be cremated. Jake's grief and regret over his brother's death creates an internal conflict for him. The visual elements include Jake lying in the alley, the agents' shiny shoes, and the high-tech crematorium with stainless steel furnaces. The scene ends with Jake and the agents witnessing Tommy's face being revealed in a cardboard box before being rolled into a furnace.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • High level of conflict
  • Intriguing plot setup
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character development could be further enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main character's internal conflict and introduces a mysterious plot element that will drive the story forward. The emotional impact is strong, and the tone is consistent throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a contract involving the protagonist's deceased twin brother adds depth to the story and raises intriguing questions about the world they inhabit. It sets up a compelling mystery that will likely drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up the main character's journey as he grapples with his brother's death and the potential opportunity presented by the contract. It introduces conflict and raises questions that will keep the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of loss and identity, with a unique blend of high-tech elements and gritty urban setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The main character, Jake, is well-developed and shows a range of emotions in this scene. The two agents are mysterious and add tension to the scene. However, more development of the characters could enhance the overall impact.

Character Changes: 7

The main character, Jake, undergoes a subtle change as he confronts his brother's death and the potential new path presented by the contract. This sets up a potential character arc that will likely be explored further in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the death of his brother and the realization that he may have to take over his brother's contract, despite feeling inadequate and unprepared for the task. This reflects his deeper fear of not living up to his brother's legacy and his desire to find his own path.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to navigate the situation with the FBI agents and decide whether or not to take over his brother's contract. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with the consequences of his brother's death and the pressure from external forces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high in this scene, both internally for the main character as he grapples with his brother's death and externally with the introduction of the mysterious contract. The tension is palpable and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the FBI agents presenting a difficult challenge for the protagonist and raising the stakes of the narrative. The audience is left unsure of how Jake will navigate this obstacle.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the main character is faced with the opportunity to take over his deceased brother's contract. This decision could have significant consequences and will likely drive the plot forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a mysterious plot element and setting up the main character's internal conflict. It raises questions and creates intrigue that will keep the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, as well as the introduction of new challenges and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between Jake's view of himself as a 'dumb grunt' and his brother as a scientist seeking answers in space. This challenges Jake's beliefs about his own worth and purpose in life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant in this scene, as the main character confronts his brother's death and the potential opportunity presented by the contract. The audience is likely to feel empathy and curiosity about Jake's journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the tension and conflict in the scene. It reveals information about the contract and the protagonist's relationship with his brother. However, some lines could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, dynamic dialogue, and high stakes. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and reflection that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective scene transitions. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene effectively builds tension and reveals key information about the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. It follows the expected format for its genre while adding unique elements.


Critique
  • The opening of the scene is very strong, with a clear and engaging hook that immediately draws the reader in.
  • The dialogue between Jake and the two agents is well-written and believable, and it does a good job of establishing the conflict of the scene.
  • The use of flashbacks to Jake's past and his brother's death is effective in adding depth to the character and his motivations.
  • The scene builds to a powerful climax as Jake watches his brother's coffin being cremated, and his voiceover narration adds an emotional layer to the moment.
  • The use of imagery and symbolism is effective in creating a sense of atmosphere and dread, and the pacing of the scene is well-controlled.
Suggestions
  • One minor suggestion would be to consider adding a bit more description to the setting of the alleyway where the scene takes place.
  • Additionally, it might be helpful to provide a bit more detail about the two agents, such as their names or their specific roles in the organization they represent.
  • Overall, this is a very strong scene that does a great job of setting up the conflict and introducing the main character. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even more effective.



Scene 3 - Jake's Arrival on Pandora: A Mix of Awe and Conflict
INT. CRYO VAULT

JAKE’S POV -- A TECH in medical scrubs FLOATS WEIGHTLESSLY
toward us. Wherever we are, we’re not on Earth.

Jake squints as the lights flicker on, revealing --

WIDE SHOT -- the multi-tiered CRYO VAULT. Hundreds of CRYO-
CAPSULES are opening like morgue drawers, as med techs pull
themselves about in ZERO-G, tending to their patients.

JAKE
(a hoarse whisper)
Are we there?

MED TECH
We’re there, Sunshine.

TIME CUT -- SCORES OF PEOPLE emerge from their cryo-capsules
in ZERO-G. Pale spirits of the dead rising from rows of open
coffins.

The MED TECH floats among them, using his announcement voice.

MED TECH
People, you have been in cryo for five
years, nine months and twenty two days.
You will be hungry, you will be weak. If
you feel nausea, please use the sacks
provided for your convenience. The staff
thanks you in advance.




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6.



FOLLOWING JAKE as he pushes away from his capsule, gliding to
the LOCKERS across the aisle, his paralyzed legs not an
impediment in weightlessness.
CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE

Against the cold infinity of stars glides an INTERSTELLAR
SPACECRAFT -- ISV VENTURE STAR. As it moves past like an
endless train, we realize this thing is ENORMOUS -- over half
a mile long. PAN WITH IT 180 to REVEAL --

A GAS-GIANT PLANET called POLYPHEMUS, ringed with dozens of
moons which cast beauty-mark shadows on its vast face.

The ISV diminishes away from us toward the largest MOON-- a
blue and surprisingly Earth-like world called PANDORA. The
ship dwindles to a speck against the BLUE MOON.
CUT TO:

EXT. PANDORA ORBIT

ISV Venture Star drifts above a spectacular vista -- the
sapphire seas and unfamiliar continents of Pandora.

CLOSE ON ISV -- two massive “VALKYRIE” SHUTTLES are mated to
a DOCKING NODE. One of them separates from the starship and
moves away, its thrusters FIRING in short bursts.

As the shuttle moves away, descending toward Pandora, we hear
the sound of DRUMS, building, louder and louder until we--
CUT TO:

EXT. RAINFOREST - TWILIGHT

FLYING OVER A LANDSCAPE of massive cliffs and towering mesas
carpeted in rainforest. Great scarves of cloud swirl around
the mesa tops. A primeval landscape, vast and forbidding.

The trees are alien, the color too cyan. There are
waterfalls, rivers, and distant flocks of WINGED CREATURES.

Suddenly the carpet of virgin rainforest gives way to --

AN OPEN-PIT MINE. A lifeless crater -- as if a giant cookie-
cutter took a chunk out of the world. Down among the
terraces are EXCAVATORS and TRUCKS the size of three story
buildings.

And beyond the mine is the HUMAN COLONY --




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EXT. HELL’S GATE - TWILIGHT

HELL’S GATE is a cluster of squat concrete and steel
structures surrounded by chain-link FENCE 10 meters high,
topped with razor wire.

At the corners are towers with automated SENTRY GUNS
swiveling on servo mounts.

Visible beyond the gun towers, the VALKYRIE SHUTTLE roars in
across the treetops. VECTORING NOZZLES change angle,
bringing the ship to a SLOW HOVER.

EXT. RAIN FOREST - TWILIGHT

Through a screen of jungle canopy, we see the VALKYRIE
thunder overhead. Camera TILTS with it until leaves block
the view.

A BLUE INHUMAN HAND reaches INTO SHOT, parting the foliage to
reveal the shuttle hover-taxiing across the compound.

REVERSE -- ECU of two intense, cat-like golden EYES watching.

INT./EXT. SHUTTLE

The CREW CHIEF stomps down the aisle yelling --

CREW CHIEF
Exopacks on!

Passengers don their EXO-PACK breathing gear with practiced
moves. Everybody except JAKE, who’s turning his this way and
that trying to figure out the straps.

CREW CHIEF
Remember people, you lose your mask
you’re unconscious in 20 seconds and
you’re dead in four minutes. Let’s nobody
be dead today, it looks bad on my report.

The crew chief stops by Jake long enough to bark --

CREW CHIEF
Exopack on, let’s go!

BENEATH THE SHUTTLE air blasts outward for a hundred meter
radius as it settles onto its landing gear.

INSIDE everybody is queued up in the aisles, with duffles
ready. Rows of tense, expectant faces in breathing masks --
and we DIP DOWN to find Jake, wheelchair putting him at the
level of everyone else’s WAISTS.


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THE CARGO RAMP OPENS with a hydraulic whine.

CREW CHIEF
Go directly into the base! Do not stop!
Go straight inside!

HAND-HELD, running with the arriving colonists who double
time down the ramp. They jog across the exposed apron toward
a walkway covered in CHAINLINK which leads to the complex.

Inside the chain-link tunnel are a couple of SEC-OPS
TROOPERS, CORPORAL LYLE WAINFLEET and PRIVATE FIKE. Sec-Ops
is the colony’s private security force. These guys are laid
back, hardened, and haggard.

WAINFLEET
Look at all that new meat.

THEIR POV -- Jake rolls down the ramp.

FIKE
Check it out, man. Meals on wheels.

WAINFLEET
That is just wrong.

Jake, pumping his chair, looks around as --

A huge TRACTOR, taller than a house, ROARS past on muddy
wheels. He notices something sticking in the tires --
ARROWS. The neolithic weapons are jarring amid all the
advanced technology.

Beyond the tractor, two VTOL vehicles take off. Armored and
heavily armed, they are AT-99 “SCORPION” GUNSHIPS.

MITSUBISHI MK-6 AMPSUITS -- human operated walking machines 4
meters tall -- patrol the perimeter. They are heavily
armored, and armed with a huge rotary cannon called a GAU-90.

Beyond the outer fence stands a black wall of forest hundreds
of feet high. A SENTRY GUN OPENS FIRE from a tower. TRACERS
light up the twilight. A shadowy SHAPE SHRIEKS and drops off
the fence. It is an armed camp in a state of siege.

WAINFLEET and Fike give Jake and his chair the hairy eyeball
as he approaches.

JAKE
What’re you two limpdicks starin’ at?

As Jake rolls past, SOMETHING SWOOPS down behind him and --



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K-KRASH! SMASHES against the chain-link right next to his
head.

A vicious AERIAL PREDATOR a meter across gnashes glass fangs
against the steel. It STABS at him through the chain link
with a tail ending in a glistening stiletto. A STINGBAT.

WAINFLEET casually BLASTS IT with his PISTOL. It drops off
the fence, tail still lashing.

WAINFLEET
Seen a lotta guys leave this place in a
wheelchair. Never seen anybody show up
in one.

Jake stares at the gnashing fangs of the dying alien.

ON A WALKWAY of the OPS CENTER, seen from above, a UNIFORMED
FIGURE grips the railing, watching Jake pump his chair
through the tunnel below.

The hair is clipped short. The scalp is etched by long
parallel SCARS where some Pandoran denizen’s claws raked
across it. The bare arms, below tightly rolled sleeves, seem
hewn out of some hard tropical wood. Criss-crossed by scars.

The MAN raises his masked face to look at the sky. He eyes
are an icy steel gray.

HIS POV -- the mighty POLYPHEMUS seems to fill the sky,
beyond the clouds.

MAN (V.O.)
You are not in Kansas any more...
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Adventure"]

Summary Jake wakes up from five years of cryo sleep on ISV Venture Star and meets a med tech. They are on their way to Pandora, a moon of Polyphemus. Jake, despite his paralyzed legs, moves toward the lockers in weightlessness. The ship descends toward Pandora, revealing its vast and forbidding rainforest landscape and an open-pit mine near the human colony, Hell's Gate. Jake arrives at the colony with other passengers and is warned about the dangers of Pandora's wildlife. Jake has a minor conflict with the crew chief when struggling to put on his exopack, and later confronts corporal Lyle Wainfleet and private Fike who make fun of his wheelchair.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Establishing a unique and dangerous world
  • Building suspense and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some characters need more development
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the futuristic and dangerous world of Pandora, creating intrigue and suspense for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of cryo-sleep, interstellar travel, and exploration of an alien planet is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces the main character, Jake, and sets up the conflict and challenges he will face on Pandora.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original world with a blend of advanced technology and primitive elements, creating a unique and immersive setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with some unique traits, but more development is needed to fully engage the audience.

Character Changes: 6

There is some potential for character growth and change, but it is not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to adapt to his new environment and overcome his physical limitations, as seen by his struggle with the exo-pack and wheelchair in weightlessness.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to navigate the human colony and establish himself in this new world, as shown by his interactions with the crew chief and security personnel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene establishes a high level of conflict with the dangerous environment and the introduction of hostile creatures.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, including the hostile environment, security personnel, and alien creatures, creates a sense of danger and conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the dangerous environment, hostile creatures, and the challenges Jake will face on Pandora.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the setting, conflict, and main character's journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected elements introduced, such as the hostile creatures and primitive weapons, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between advanced technology and primitive nature, as well as the struggle for survival in a hostile environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with a focus on setting up the world and the challenges ahead.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is functional and helps move the scene forward, but lacks standout moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its immersive world-building, character dynamics, and sense of mystery and danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, moving between different locations and character interactions at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and action lines that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and building tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene doesn't provide much context or exposition to help the audience understand the setting or the characters' motivations.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and exposition-heavy, with characters stating facts and information rather than engaging in会話.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction.
  • The writing is clichéd and unoriginal, with characters and situations that feel like they've been seen countless times before.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual effects and action sequences to carry the story, without giving enough attention to character development or emotional depth.
Suggestions
  • Add more context and exposition to help the audience understand the setting and the characters' motivations.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, with characters speaking in a way that is true to their personalities and motivations.
  • Tighten the pacing and give the scene a clear sense of purpose or direction.
  • Introduce more originality and creativity into the writing, with characters and situations that feel fresh and unique.
  • Balance the use of visual effects and action sequences with character development and emotional depth.



Scene 4 - Jake's Arrival and Introduction to His Avatar on Pandora
INT. COMMISSARY - TWILIGHT

THE MAN from the balcony -- COLONEL MILES QUARITCH -- is the
HEAD OF SECURITY for the Hell’s Gate colony. A hundred new
arrivals watch raptly as he paces like a panther across the
front of the large cafeteria. He stops, stance wide.

Without his mask, we see that Quaritch’s features are rugged
and handsome, except for the SCAR, which runs from scalp to
jaw down one side of his face. On one hip he carries a very
large PISTOL.

QUARITCH
... You are on Pandora, ladies and
gentlemen. Respect that fact every second
of every day.



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JAKE ROLLS IN, watching from the back.

COLONEL QUARITCH raises his hand and points out the window,
toward the dark treeline.

QUARITCH
Out beyond that fence every living thing
that crawls, flies or squats in the mud
wants to kill you and eat your eyes for
jujubees.

The room gets very quiet.

QUARITCH
We have an indigenous population of
humanoids here called the Na’vi. They’re
fond of arrows dipped in a neurotoxin
which can stop your heart in one minute.
We operate -- we live -- at a constant
threat condition yellow.

PAN ACROSS the solid faces of miners, Cat-machine drivers,
engineers, geologists, as they take that in.

QUARITCH
As head of security, it’s my job to keep
you alive. I will not succeed --
(pausing for effect)
-- not with all of you. If you wish to
survive, you need a strong mental
attitude, you need to follow procedure...

PUSH IN ON JAKE, watching as the briefing continues.

JAKE (V.O.)
Nothing like an old-school safety brief
to put your mind at ease.
CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR

People are roaming in both directions, looking for rooms,
lugging duffels and cases.

An eager young XENOANTHROPOLOGIST, staggering under an
overpacked duffel, runs to catch up to Jake.

NORM
Hey, you’re Jake right? Tom’s brother?
You look just like him.
(off Jake’s wary look)
Sorry, I’m Norm Spellman, I went through
avatar training with him.


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Norm offers his hand and Jake shakes it.

NORM
He was a great guy -- funny. It was a
big shock to all of us.

JAKE
Yeah.

Jake pumps the wheels of his chair, rolling on. Norm walks
with him.

NORM
And duh! -- obviously you look like him.
I mean, if you weren’t genetically
identical, you wouldn’t be taking over
his avatar.

JAKE
That’s why I’m here.

NORM
So -- you want to go check it out?
CUT TO:

INT. BIO-LAB - DAY

JAKE AND NORM enter the BIO-LAB -- a large lab complex with
many adjoining rooms.

MAX
Me and Norm were out here to drive these
remotely controlled bodies called
avatars. They’re grown from human DNA
mixed with DNA from the natives here.

A scientist, DOCTOR MAX CULLIMORE, is supervising the
uncrating of two SHIPPING CONTAINERS. The nearer has the
sides removed, revealing -- a ceiling-height acrylic TANK.

Norm stops to stare, and Jake rolls past him as if drawn by
some unseen force, toward --

THE AMNIO TANK. There is a FIGURE floating lanquidly inside,
which looks like a man. A very large, very blue, man.

Blood circulates through a synthetic UMBILICAL in the
abdomen. As the figure turns in the amniotic fluid, we see
that it has a lemur-like TAIL. The skin is cyan-blue. Long
black hair drifts, graceful as seaweed.

JAKE
Damn. They got big.


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NORM
Yeah, they mature on the trip out.
(to Max)
So the proprioceptive sims worked pretty
well.

MAX
Yeah, they’ve got great muscle tone. Give
us a few hours, you guys can take them
for a spin.

THE FIGURE’S sleeping face turns toward us, and the features
are -- despite feline ears and a long feral snout --
definitely JAKE’S.

JAKE
It looks like him.

NORM
No, it looks like you. This is your
avatar now, Jake.

ON JAKE, mesmerized as he stares into the tank.

JAKE (V.O.)
The idea is -- every driver is matched to
his own avatar --

STEREOCAM VIDEO SHOT OF JAKE -- facing the camera, talking
directly to the lens. JAKE’S VOICE-OVER up until now has
been part of this VIDEOLOG.

JAKE
-- so their nervous systems are in tune.
Or something. Which is why they offered
me this gig, because I can link with
Tommy’s avatar, which was insanely
expensive.
(looking off camera)
Is this right? I just say whatever in
these videologs?

WIDER, showing Norm working nearby with Max.

NORM
Yeah. You just need to get in the habit
of documenting everything -- what you
see, what you feel -- it’s all part of
the science. Good science starts with
good observation.




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JAKE
Right.
(to camera)
So, whatever. Here I am. Doing science.
(looks around)
Never been in a lab before.

MAX
Log off. It’s time to meet your boss for
the next five years.

He leads Jake and Norm through the short corridor to the --
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Adventure"]

Summary Colonel Miles Quaritch gives a safety briefing to new arrivals at Hell’s Gate colony on Pandora, warning them about the dangers of native creatures and the Na’vi. Jake, the main character, arrives late and meets Norm Spellman, who knew his deceased brother Tommy. They go to the bio-lab where Jake sees his brother’s avatar for the first time, a large, blue, humanoid figure with a tail, which he will be using for the next five years. The scene ends with Jake and Norm going to the bio-lab to meet Jake’s boss for the next five years.
Strengths
  • Effective world-building
  • Establishing key concepts
  • Creating tension and danger
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development within the scene
  • Focus on exposition over emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the world, introduces key concepts, and creates a sense of tension and danger. It engages the audience and leaves them curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of avatars and the dangers of Pandora are intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively introduces these elements and sets up the main conflict of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward by introducing key information and setting up the main character's journey. It establishes the conflict and sets the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi genre by focusing on the interaction between humans and an alien species, with a unique blend of scientific exploration and philosophical conflict.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced and their relationships are established, but there is room for further development. The scene focuses more on setting up the world and concept.

Character Changes: 6

While the scene introduces the main character and sets up his journey, there is not a significant character change within the scene itself. The focus is more on establishing the world and conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to prove himself and find his place in this new environment, following in his brother's footsteps and making a name for himself.

External Goal: 9

Jake's external goal is to successfully navigate the challenges of living on Pandora and operating an avatar to interact with the Na'vi.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the human colonists and the Na'vi, as well as the dangers of Pandora, create a sense of tension and danger. The stakes are high, and the characters must navigate a hostile environment.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and conflicts that will test his abilities and beliefs.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes the high stakes of survival on Pandora and the constant threat the characters face. The dangers of the environment and the conflict with the Na'vi create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key information, setting up the conflict, and establishing the main character's journey. It sets the stage for future events and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown dangers and conflicts that the characters will face on Pandora.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the human colonizers and the indigenous Na'vi population, highlighting the clash of cultures and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on setting up the world and concept, so the emotional impact is not as pronounced. However, the sense of danger and foreboding creates a tense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys important information and sets the tone for the scene. It establishes the rules and dangers of Pandora, as well as the relationship between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces the main characters, sets up the conflict, and creates a sense of tension and danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sci-fi screenplay, introducing the setting, characters, and conflicts in a clear and engaging manner.


Critique
  • The dialogue is somewhat unnatural and expository, with characters stating facts and information rather than engaging in a natural conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for the characters, making it unclear what they are trying to achieve or accomplish.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and could be tightened to create a more engaging and dynamic experience for the audience.
  • The character of Jake is not well-developed and comes across as flat and uninteresting.
  • The scene lacks visual interest and could benefit from more dynamic camera work and editing to create a more engaging experience.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, using contractions, colloquialisms, and interruptions to create a more realistic conversation.
  • Add a clear goal or objective for the characters, such as having Jake and Norm search for a specific item or information in the bio-lab.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action, and by using more dynamic camera work and editing to create a more engaging experience.
  • Develop the character of Jake by giving him more depth and motivation, such as exploring his backstory, his relationship with his brother, and his reasons for being on Pandora.
  • Add visual interest to the scene by using more dynamic camera work, such as close-ups, wide shots, and panning shots, and by incorporating more visually interesting elements, such as props, lighting, and color.



Scene 5 - Grace Augustine's Disappointment in Jake Sully
INT. LINK ROOM - DUSK

The LINK ROOM contains a dozen PSIONIC LINK UNITS, which look
like coffins crossed with MRI scanners.

NORM
Grace Augustine is a legend. She's the
head of the Avatar Program, and she wrote
the book -- I mean literally wrote the
book -- on Pandoran botany.

MAX
(low, over his shoulder)
That's because she likes plants better
than people.

DR. GRACE AUGUSTINE sits up in her link, stretching and
cracking her neck after a long session. She’s fifty, with a
strong face and fiercely intelligent eyes.

GRACE
(yelling)
Who’s got my goddamn cigarette?!

A TECH scurries to bring it to her, already lit. Around here
they jump when Grace barks.

Grace stands, scowling, as Jake, Norm and Max approach.

MAX
And here she is, Cinderella back from the
ball. Grace, I’d like you to meet Norm
Spellman and Ja --

GRACE
Norm. I hear good things about you.
How's your Na'vi?




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14.



NORM
(Na'vi, subtitled)
May the All Mother smile upon our first
meeting.

Grace nods approvingly, taking a drag on her cigarette.

GRACE
(subtitled)
Not bad. You sound a little formal.

NORM
(subtitled)
There is still much to learn.

Jake waits while they ignore him, chattering in fluent Na’vi.

MAX
Uh, Grace, this is Jake S----

GRACE
(turning to Jake)
Yeah, yeah, I know who you are, and I
don’t need you. I need your brother.
(to Max)
You know -- the PhD who trained three
years for this mission.

JAKE
He’s dead. I know it’s a big
inconvenience to everyone.

GRACE
How much lab training have you had? Ever
run a gas chromatograph?

JAKE
No.