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Scene 1 -  The Name Dilemma and a Faulty Portal Device: A Highway Disaster
EXT. INTERSTATE 95, JUNCTION 14 – DAY

INT. JOHN'S CAR – MOVING – DAY

JOHN, 28, a burly marine type, slips a CD in the stereo. AMY
BLAIRE, 27, a natural beauty, munches a piece of birthday cake
and then flicks crumbs off a pregnancy book.

AMY
Ha ha. Good joke.

JOHN
I’m not joking, babe.

AMY
OK. I’ll play along. I should have
said, beam me up, Scotty. Anyways,
have you thought more about names?
I’m still thinking of Jessica and
James.

Amy closes a brown briefcase and places it on the back seat.

EXT. JOHN'S CAR (MOVING) – DAY

John swerves on some oil on the road. He crashes through the
safety barrier and comes to a halt at the top of a steep hill.

INT. CAR – DAY

Amy tries to release the door handle, but the metal is
twisted. The car starts to drift forward.

EXT. CAR – DAY

John runs ahead of the car and opens the brown briefcase
revealing a PORTAL OPENING DEVICE with many wires, dials,
diodes, and circuit boards. He bangs the green button with all
his might - but nothing happens.

John pulls the car’s bumper but loses his grip and falls
backward. The car slowly gains more momentum. He can only
watch in horror as the car bounces down the hill resulting in
a big EXPLOSION.

END TEASER
2

ACT ONE
ON SCREEN: “Destiny - the hidden power thought to manipulate
events that will happen in the future.”

ON-SCREEN: MAY 11, 2006. NEW YORK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary John and Amy, a couple expecting a baby, are driving on Interstate 95 when their car crashes. While Amy argues about baby names, John tries to use a portal opening device to save them, but fails. The car rolls down a hill and explodes, ending the scene on a dramatic note.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Unexpected twist
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Functional dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes tension, introduces a sci-fi element, and ends with a shocking event, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a portal opening device and the parallel universe adds an interesting and mysterious element to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured, starting with a lighthearted conversation about baby names and quickly escalating to a life-threatening situation.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situation of a car accident and the protagonist's attempt to save someone in danger is a familiar scenario in storytelling. However, the specific details and actions in the scene, such as the portal opening device and the car exploding, add some unique elements to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with basic descriptions, but their personalities and motivations are not fully explored in this scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on the external events and the characters' immediate reactions.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that John's internal goal is to save Amy and prevent any harm from coming to her and their unborn child. This reflects his deeper need to protect and care for his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop the car from drifting forward and potentially causing harm to Amy. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as they are in a dangerous situation and need to take immediate action to ensure their safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, as the characters are faced with a life-threatening situation and must try to escape the car before it explodes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a significant obstacle in trying to stop the car from drifting forward. The audience does not know how the situation will be resolved, adding suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, as the characters' lives are in immediate danger and the outcome of the situation is uncertain.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major obstacle and setting up the premise for the rest of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the portal opening device and the car explosion. The audience does not know how the protagonist will resolve the situation or if he will be successful in saving Amy. This adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and sadness as the characters face imminent danger and experience a tragic event.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is mostly functional, serving to establish the characters' relationship and provide necessary information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with a sense of urgency and danger. The audience is immediately drawn into the action and invested in the outcome. The concise and action-oriented writing keeps the scene moving at a fast pace, maintaining the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The action unfolds quickly, with concise and action-oriented writing. The scene moves at a fast pace, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions are properly formatted and easy to follow. The scene is well-paced and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters and their situation. The action unfolds in a clear and logical sequence, leading to a dramatic climax with the car explosion. The scene ends with a transition to the next section of the screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a bang, literally, but it's unclear what's going on. Who are these characters? What are they doing? What's the conflict? The audience needs to be given more context to understand what's happening.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk. This can make it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution. The audience is left hanging, wondering what happened to the characters. This can be frustrating and unsatisfying.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. It's all just dialogue, with no action or movement. This can make it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more engaging hook. This could be a dramatic action sequence, a surprising revelation, or a thought-provoking question.
  • Make the characters more relatable by giving them clear motivations and goals. The audience needs to understand what the characters want and why.
  • Give the scene a clear conflict. This could be an external conflict, such as a physical threat or a moral dilemma, or an internal conflict, such as a character's struggle with their own emotions.
  • Use more visual interest to keep the audience engaged. This could include changes in setting, lighting, or camera angles.
  • Make sure the scene has a satisfying resolution. This doesn't mean that everything has to be wrapped up in a neat bow, but the audience should feel like they've gotten some closure.



Scene 2 -  A Boy's Scientific Pursuit vs. a Father's Wish for Social Connections
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM – DAY

A massive poster of Einstein hangs beside a jumbo-sized
DeLorean from "Back to the Future." John (10), a skinny kid
wearing a "Quantum Leap" T-shirt, solders circuit boards with
a welding iron. A green light switches on. A faint blue
“portal”, the shape of a door, appears for a brief second.

JOURNAL: Written in a child’s handwriting.

1. Global Optimization = GO1 pronounced Go. Change one life
at a time to make the world a better place.
2. P01 = our universe. Parallel/multiverses exist and travel
between them via a portal opening device???
3. Time Cage – Inside it, you can remember the old timeline
as the world changes around you via time travel.
4. A postman in P25 should be the President of the USA in
P01. Optimize the decisions he made so he becomes
President. Butterfly effect – what else would change?

MIKE RICHMOND (39), a man with a military haircut who
carries himself according to his title of Sergeant-Major,
unplugs the welding iron. John growls at Mike.

MIKE
(with a posh English accent)
Happy birthday, John. You should
be outside playing with your
friends.

JOHN
They're playing with sticks.
Sticks! I'm building a portal-
opening device to another universe.

MIKE
Do you know what the meaning of
life is, son?

JOHN
Sir, no sir.
3

MIKE
The meaning of life is a meaningful
life. Friendships, relationships,
caring for others. They give it
meaning. The kids outside could be
playing football, hockey, or eating
dirt. It doesn't matter. They're
happy. You too can be happy.

JOHN
Sir, yes, sir. Eat dirt. Be happy.

MIKE
Now go! I’ll see you later on for
your birthday dinner at Wendy’s.

Mike admires the circuit boards.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary In a parallel universe's New York, on May 11, 2006, 10-year-old science enthusiast John is determined to build a portal-opening device in his bedroom, while his Sergeant-Major father, Mike, encourages him to socialize. The conflict between their differing perspectives on a meaningful life creates tension, but the scene ends with Mike admiring John's circuit boards.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Establishing character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Minimal emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene introduces an intriguing concept and sets up the main character's motivation and goals effectively. The dialogue is engaging and the tone balances seriousness with a touch of whimsy. However, the scene could benefit from more conflict and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel/multiverses and time travel through a portal opening device is unique and intriguing. It sets up the main character's goal and provides a strong foundation for the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene is focused on introducing the concept and the main character's motivation. While it effectively sets up the story, it lacks significant conflict or plot progression.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its combination of specific pop culture references, the concept of parallel/multiverses, and the philosophical conflict between different perspectives on the meaning of life. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced and their personalities are established through dialogue. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their motivations and conflicts.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, with the main character's determination to build the portal opening device remaining consistent. Further development and growth of the characters could enhance the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to build a portal-opening device to another universe. This reflects his desire for exploration, curiosity, and a sense of adventure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to be allowed to continue building his portal-opening device and to be taken seriously by Mike. This reflects the immediate challenge of being understood and supported by the adults around him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is minimal, with the main character's desire to build a portal opening device conflicting with the advice to focus on relationships. More conflict could enhance the tension and engagement of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as it mainly consists of John's frustration with Mike's lack of understanding. However, the audience is left uncertain about how John's goals will be received by the adults around him.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, with the main character's desire to build a portal opening device being the primary focus. Increasing the stakes could heighten the tension and engagement.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept and the main character's motivation. However, it could benefit from more plot progression and conflict to further drive the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a young boy with ambitious goals and introduces a philosophical conflict that may not be expected in a typical suburban bedroom setting.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Mike's belief in the meaning of life being found in relationships and caring for others, and John's belief in the meaning of life being found in exploration and scientific discovery. This challenges John's worldview and his understanding of what brings happiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene lacks significant emotional impact, with the focus primarily on introducing the concept and characters. Adding more emotional depth and stakes could enhance the scene's impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It effectively conveys the tone of the scene and sets up the main character's goal.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a young protagonist with a unique goal and presents a philosophical conflict that challenges the audience's own beliefs and values.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of dialogue and action, allowing for the development of character dynamics and the introduction of key concepts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and action lines.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with John working on a portal-opening device in his bedroom, and his father, Mike, encouraging him to socialize with his friends. This is a good way to introduce the main conflict of the scene, which is the tension between John's interest in science and his father's desire for him to be more social.
  • The dialogue between John and Mike is well-written and believable. Mike's accent and military bearing are clear, and John's excitement about his project is palpable.
  • The scene ends with Mike unplugging the welding iron and telling John to go outside and play with his friends. This is a bit of a disappointment, as it seems like John is just going to give up on his project. However, it is also realistic, as it shows that Mike is not supportive of John's interests.
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more conflict. For example, John could argue with Mike about his project, or he could try to sneak away to work on it behind his father's back.
  • The scene could also be improved by adding more detail to the setting. For example, the writer could describe the room that John is working in, or the neighborhood that he lives in.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict to the scene. For example, John could argue with Mike about his project, or he could try to sneak away to work on it behind his father's back.
  • Add more detail to the setting. For example, the writer could describe the room that John is working in, or the neighborhood that he lives in.
  • Consider having John succeed in opening the portal, which would add more excitement to the scene and give John a sense of accomplishment.



Scene 3 -  A Chance Encounter and Time Travel Dreams
EXT. STREET – DAY

Amy,11, a tomboy, smiles at John who has now mastered dragging
his stick along the ground.

AMY
My name's Amy. What's yours?

JOHN
John. Do you like eating dirt?

AMY
Sometimes. I like your Quantum Leap
T-shirt a lot. “His next leap.”

JOHN
“Will be the leap home.”

Amy hits John's head with her stick and giggles. John looks up
at his bedroom window across the street. He picks up his stick
and hits Amy's on the arm half-heartedly. She flinches. John
notices a bruise on her arm. She pulls down her sleeve.

EXT. AMY’S HOUSE – DAY

John and Amy continue to sword fight.

AMY
This is my house. Can I see you
tomorrow?
4

JOHN
I guess. Today is my birthday.

Amy kisses John on the cheek.

AMY
Happy birthday. I need to go. Dad
will be angry. See you tomorrow.

LUKE, 38, a hairy bear of a man, growls at Amy.

LUKE
Get inside.

Luke grabs Amy by her bruised arm and drags her inside. John
grips his stick. Amy smiles at John before the door SLAMS.

INT. JOHN’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

DR. WEBBER 47, a nerdy intellectual type, holds John’s dress
jacket.

JOHN
Just you and me, Uncle Bob?

DR. WEBBER
Just you and me.

Dr. Webber hands John a Sci-Fi comic tied with a ribbon.

INT. WENDY’S – NIGHT

John reads his comic. A candle burns on his birthday cake.

DR. WEBBER
You not going to blow it out and
make a wish?

John closes his eyes and blows a massive blow.

JOHN
So, time travel. If you go back in
time then you will have memories of
the previous timeline. How come all
the other billions of people who
also go back in time don’t remember
anything? Why is it just the time
traveler?
5

DR. WEBBER
Maybe deja vu exists because we are
living the same day so one selfish
time traveler can get their own
timeline perfect.

John draws a hippocampus on the napkin.

JOHN
It must have something to do with
the hippocampus. Maybe some
proteins erase neurons when they
discover they have time-shifted.

DR. WEBBER
Selective Amnesia, a defensive
mechanism to avoid becoming crazy
at the thought of our past
timeline?

JOHN
Sam changed the life of one person
in Quantum Leap, but no one else
had a second chance.

DR. WEBBER
Your Global Optimization program
calculates the best destiny for
people and manipulates their lives.
As the great Bob Marley once said:
“Everyone has the right to choose
their own destiny.”

JOHN
I thought he shot the sheriff?

DR WEBBER
That too. I’m still not sure what
would happen if I threw two sixes
and went back in time and threw
them again. Would I get two sixes
every time, or would each throw be
random? How dare I tell chance to
repeat the outcome.

JOHN
Every throw of the dice is
different. That’s randomness. We
can’t trick the rules of the
universe.
6

A WAITER puts the chocolate cake slices in a takeaway box.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age"]

Summary Amy and John, two young children, meet and play together, but their encounter is cut short when Amy's father, Luke, drags her inside. Later, John celebrates his birthday with his uncle, Dr. Webber, who discusses time travel and warns John about manipulating people's lives. The scene ends with John and Dr. Webber continuing to discuss time travel and the possibilities of changing destiny.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Genuine character interaction
  • Intriguing concept of time travel
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be improved
  • Clarity of some plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces the main characters, establishes their relationship, and sets up potential conflicts. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, and the scene has a nostalgic and hopeful tone. However, there are some minor weaknesses in pacing and clarity.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of time travel and its effects on memory and destiny is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The philosophical discussions about the meaning of life and the nature of time travel provide intellectual stimulation.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the main characters, their friendship, and hints at potential conflicts with Amy's abusive father. The scene also establishes John's fascination with time travel, which sets up future plot developments.

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not offer any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is average.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions. John is curious and intelligent, while Amy is strong and caring. Their interaction feels genuine and establishes a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 6

There is a subtle change in John as he starts to question the limitations of time travel and the randomness of the universe. However, the change is not significant in this scene.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not clearly stated or developed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to interact with Amy and establish a connection with her. It reflects the immediate circumstances of meeting a new person and the challenge of forming a friendship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a hint of conflict with Amy's abusive father, but it is not fully developed in this scene. The conflict between John's fascination with time travel and the limitations of the universe adds tension.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. Amy's father's disapproval of her interaction with John creates a small obstacle, but the outcome is somewhat predictable.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, with the focus on establishing the characters and their relationship. However, the potential conflicts with Amy's abusive father add some tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces important elements of the story, such as the characters, their friendship, and John's fascination with time travel. It sets up potential conflicts and hints at future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a bruise on Amy's arm, hinting at potential conflicts or challenges in the future.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and hopefulness, and the characters' genuine connection creates an emotional impact. However, the emotional depth could be further developed.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, with philosophical discussions about time travel and the meaning of life. It effectively reveals the characters' personalities and builds their relationship.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, establishes a potential friendship, and hints at future conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the reader's interest and moving the story forward. The dialogue exchanges and actions flow smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, establishes their interaction, and sets up potential conflicts.


Critique
  • The dialogue is very childish and unrealistic for the age of the characters. For example, Amy says, "My name's Amy. What's yours?" and John replies, "John. Do you like eating dirt?" This dialogue is more appropriate for young children, not for 11-year-olds.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are simply talking and playing, and there is no tension or drama.
  • The scene is too short. There is not enough time for the characters to develop or for the audience to get to know them.
  • The scene does not advance the plot. It is simply a filler scene that does not contribute to the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more realistic and appropriate for the age of the characters.
  • Add conflict to the scene. For example, the characters could argue about something or have a disagreement.
  • Expand the scene to give the characters more time to develop and for the audience to get to know them.
  • Make sure the scene advances the plot in some way. For example, the characters could make a decision that will have consequences later in the story.



Scene 4 -  Race to Finish Cake and Facing Parenthood with Confidence
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

John reads his comic. Dr. Webber answers a knock at the door.
Amy sits beside John. John eyes up his piece of cake. Amy eyes
up hers. They race to see how can demolish theirs the fastest.

ON-SCREEN: MAY 11, 2024. NEW YORK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01

SERIES OF SHOTS: EXT. TIMES SQUARE – DAY
- Old model yellow taxis exhume smoke.
- BUSINESS PEOPLE shout on their brick-like cell phones.
- TOURISTS consult folded paper maps.

INT. JOHN AND AMY'S BEDROOM – DAY

An Einstein poster has Polaroid photos of John, Amy, and
an ultrasound of the baby pinned to it. The jumbo-sized
DeLorean has recently been painted and hangs beside it.

John, now a burly Marine type, and Amy, eight months pregnant,
lie in bed. The radio alarm BLARES “Infinity” by Richard
Young. John jumps out of bed and does some pushups.

AMY
Why can’t you snooze like a normal
person?

JOHN
Who wants to be normal?

AMY
Blue canary in the outlet by the
light switch.

JOHN
(singing)
Who watches over you. Make a little.

AMY
(singing)
Birdhouse in your soul. La la la.
Say I’m the only bee in your
bonnet.

JOHN
You’ll always be the only bee in my
bonnet.
7

Amy SNAPS her elasticated trousers on her pregnant belly.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You look amazing. I love you,
infinity times a googolplex.

Amy pretends to put her fingers down her throat to vomit.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Do you think I’ll make a good dad?

AMY
Babe, you’ll be an awesome dad.

JOHN
I guess I’ll just do the opposite
of what my dad did.

AMY
Don’t overthink it. It will come
naturally. As long as we’re open
with each other and don’t keep
secrets. Trust is the key.

John walks into the closet.

JOHN
There are no secrets.

John gives Amy a new set of trousers that fit perfectly.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Only delayed revelations.

AMY
You need to come up with some
names.

JOHN
Copy that.

John continues with his exercise.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a lighthearted and playful kitchen scene on May 11, 2024, in a parallel universe, John and Amy have a cake-eating contest while singing along to 'Infinity' by Richard Young. John expresses concerns about becoming a father, but Amy reassures him. The couple then does push-ups in their bedroom, adorned with a framed image of Einstein, Polaroids, an ultrasound, and a model DeLorean. John ends the scene by presenting Amy with a new pair of pants.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Relatively low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and emotionally impactful, with strong dialogue and character development. It effectively combines elements of sci-fi, romance, and drama to create a compelling story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of time travel and parallel universes adds depth and intrigue to the story. The exploration of the meaning of life and relationships adds a philosophical and emotional layer to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and moves the story forward. The introduction of the portal-opening device and the car accident create tension and set up future events.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (a kitchen conversation between a couple), the writer adds unique elements such as the parallel universe concept, the playful cake race, and the references to 'Birdhouse in Your Soul' and the DeLorean poster. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic. John's transformation from a 10-year-old boy to a burly Marine type adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 8

John experiences a transformation from a 10-year-old boy to a burly Marine type, which indicates growth and change. The scene also hints at the potential for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his love for Amy and his excitement about becoming a father. It reflects his deeper need for connection, his fear of not being a good dad, and his desire to create a loving and trusting relationship with Amy.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find names for their baby. It reflects the immediate circumstance of preparing for the arrival of their child and the challenge of choosing a name that they both like and feel connected to.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with the main tension arising from John's fear of not being a good father. However, the car accident and the presence of Amy's angry father add some level of conflict.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is not strong. The characters' conversation is mostly harmonious and focused on their shared excitement and love. There is no significant obstacle or conflict that creates tension or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are relatively high, as the car accident and the potential consequences of time travel introduce risks and challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements such as the portal-opening device, the car accident, and the relationship between John and Amy.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces elements like the parallel universe concept and the cake race that add unexpected twists to a seemingly ordinary conversation. However, the overall tone and direction of the scene are still relatively predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including joy, nostalgia, and anticipation. The romantic and sentimental tone adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is witty, playful, and romantic. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and develops their relationships.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, affection, and anticipation. The playful banter between the characters and the references to popular culture create a sense of familiarity and connection with the audience. The audience is also invested in the characters' journey of becoming parents.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor, affection, and reflection. The transitions between actions and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, character names, dialogue format, and transitions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, introduces the characters and their actions, includes dialogue and character interactions, and ends with a transition to the next scene.


Critique
  • The opening lines of the scene are weak and don't draw the reader in. The first sentence is a simple statement that doesn't provide any context or intrigue. The second sentence is a bit better, but it's still not very engaging.
  • The dialogue between John and Amy is stilted and unnatural. They sound like they're reading lines from a script, rather than having a real conversation.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear focus. It starts off with John and Amy racing to eat their cake, but then it quickly shifts to a discussion about John's fears about being a father. This makes it difficult for the reader to follow the scene and understand what's going on.
  • The scene ends abruptly with John giving Amy some pants. It feels like there should be more to the scene, but it just ends there. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a stronger hook. This could be a piece of dialogue, a description of the setting, or an action that immediately grabs the reader's attention.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between John and Amy to make it more natural and engaging. Let them talk like real people, not like characters in a script.
  • Give the scene a clear focus. Decide what you want to happen in the scene and then stick to it. Don't try to cram too much into one scene.
  • End the scene with a strong climax. This could be a revelation, a decision, or an action that leaves the reader wanting more.



Scene 5 -  John's Portal Journey
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – DAY

Poor lighting gives the nuance of a sketchy drug dealing spot.

John demolishes a slice of chocolate cake. He changes into a
futuristic white suit and enters a combination code into a
brown briefcase.
8

It snaps open revealing a PORTAL OPENING DEVICE with many
wires, dials, diodes, and circuit boards. A beam of light
extends vertically in the form of a door or “portal.”

PORTAL OPENING DEVICE DISPLAY SCREEN: P255, May 11, 2024.

John lifts his hair to reveal two small holes drilled into his
head. He wipes away a piece of blood.
He takes a DOCKING PORT and attaches the port’s two pins into
the two holes in his head. Then he inserts an IMPLANT (similar
to a car key fob), into the docking port.
John kisses his crucifix necklace and confidently enters the
portal.

The portal opening device gets pulled into the portal behind
him as it closes.
ON-SCREEN: MAY 11, 2024 - PARALLEL UNIVERSE P255
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary John enters an abandoned warehouse and puts on a futuristic white suit. He activates a portal-opening device attached to his head and steps through the portal, which closes behind him. The scene transitions to a parallel universe on May 11, 2024, marking the end of the scene.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept of time travel through a portal opening device
  • Intense and engaging tone
  • High stakes and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and introduces a unique concept of time travel through a portal opening device. The intense tone and the high stakes involved in the protagonist's journey make it captivating.


Story Content

Concept: 10

The concept of using a portal opening device implanted in the protagonist's head to travel to a parallel universe is innovative and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity and sets up the potential for exciting plot developments.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist using the portal opening device to travel to a parallel universe. It creates suspense and sets up future conflicts and challenges for the character.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of parallel universes is not entirely unique, the introduction of the portal opening device and the protagonist's physical modifications add a fresh approach to the idea. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The scene focuses more on the concept and action rather than character development. However, the protagonist's determination and willingness to take risks are evident.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a significant change by deciding to use the portal opening device and venture into a parallel universe. This decision showcases his bravery and curiosity.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that he has a desire to travel to a parallel universe. This reflects his deeper need for adventure and exploration.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to use the portal opening device to travel to a parallel universe. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, as he is in an abandoned warehouse and needs to escape or find a new opportunity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene arises from the protagonist's decision to use the portal opening device and the potential dangers and consequences associated with it. The intense tone and the high stakes contribute to the conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are no direct obstacles or conflicts, the unknown nature of the parallel universe and the protagonist's physical modifications create a sense of potential challenges and opposition.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are high as the protagonist risks his life and ventures into an unknown parallel universe. The potential dangers and consequences add tension and excitement.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing the concept of time travel through the portal opening device. It sets up future conflicts and challenges for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the concept of parallel universes and the protagonist's physical modifications, which are unexpected and raise questions about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of excitement and fear as the protagonist prepares to enter the portal. The emotional impact is heightened by the risks involved and the unknown nature of the parallel universe.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal, with the protagonist mostly interacting with the portal opening device. However, the protagonist's actions and expressions convey his emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious and futuristic element, raises questions about the protagonist's motivations and abilities, and creates anticipation for what will happen in the parallel universe.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and excitement as the protagonist prepares to enter the portal. The concise and visually descriptive writing style helps maintain a steady rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, introduces the protagonist's actions and goals, and concludes with a transition to a new location and date.


Critique
  • This scene is conflating two separate concepts: a portal device and an implant that allows teleportation between parallel universes. These could be separate entities. The audience may be confused by the fact that the briefcase contains the "portal opening device" but then John plugs a docking port into his skull and inserts an "implant." This may cause confusion as to how the portal operates.
  • The scene does not provide context for how John is familiar with the docking port, the implant, or the portal. If the scene takes place in a parallel universe, how did John acquire this device in that universe?
  • The scene lacks tension: the most interesting part, John entering the portal, happens without any build-up or suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider clarifying the relationship between the portal opening device and the implant. Are they separate entities or one and the same?
  • Consider establishing how John acquired the docking port, the implant, and the portal either in this scene, an earlier scene or through dialogue.
  • Add elements to build tension and suspense leading up to John entering the portal, such as obstacles or a sense of urgency.



Scene 6 -  John's Playful Encounter and Amy's Morning Check-up in a Parallel Universe
SERIES OF SHOTS: EXT. NEW TIMES SQUARE – DAY

- NEW YORKERS wear vapid décor.
- TOURISTS hold compact handheld holographic devices.
- Robots direct flying cars.

EXT. TOP OF EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – DAY

John dangles his legs over the edge.

He gives a thumbs-up to a BOY who gives a thumbs-up back.

John freefalls then taps his implant and vanishes (he has
teleported.)

EXT. STREET – DAY

John teleports next to LUCY (27) who has short electric blue
hair and wears a matching electric blue hoodie.

She passes John a "Costi" coffee cup. They tease the flinching
COMMUTERS and ROBOTS by walking the wrong way on a travelator
sidewalk.

ON-SCREEN: MAY 11, 2024 - PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Amy sips her coffee while reading pregnancy books. Dr. Webber
rushes in.
9

AMY
Morning, Uncle Bob.

DR. WEBBER
Amy. Sorry, I’m late.

AMY
No probs.

She passes Dr. Webber a coffee.

AMY (CONT’D)
There’s this rare comic I think
John will love for his birthday.

DR. WEBBER
But that means all our presents
will pale in significance.

AMY
Better luck next year.

Amy passes an envelope to Dr. Webber who puts it in his bag.

DR. WEBBER
Thanks. Is the baby kicking yet?

AMY
Not yet. Are you still coming over
later for dinner?

DR. WEBBER
You bet. Red or white?

Amy looks at Dr. Webber.

DR. WEBBER (CONT’D)
Grape juice.

AMY
White. I’m not going to be anything
like my mom. She would have taken
the wine bottle from you.

Amy presents Dr. Webber with her latest ultrasound photo.

DR. WEBBER
Parenthood will be a challenge, but
it’s so worth it.
10

AMY
John had the best role model.

DR. WEBBER
Why thank you.

AMY
He promised things will change and
he’ll be around more. Time will
tell.

Amy looks at her watch.

DR. WEBBER
I’ll have a quiet chat with him.

Dr. Webber helps Amy put on her jacket and kisses her cheek.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In a parallel universe, John meets Lucy with electric blue hair and they walk the wrong way on a travelator sidewalk. Meanwhile, Amy discusses her pregnancy and John's birthday present with Dr. Webber, who promises to talk to John about being a more involved parent. The scene takes place in New York City on May 11, 2024, and ends with Dr. Webber helping Amy put on her jacket and kissing her cheek. The tone is lighthearted and playful, with no conflicts arising.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines elements of science fiction and drama, creating an engaging and emotionally resonant story. The introduction of the parallel universe adds intrigue and sets up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a parallel universe with advanced technology and teleportation is unique and intriguing. It opens up possibilities for exploring themes of identity, relationships, and the consequences of time travel.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces the main characters, John and Amy, and establishes their friendship and connection. It also hints at potential conflicts and challenges they may face in the future, such as John's promise to be more present in Amy's life and the challenges of parenthood.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and technology are common in science fiction, the specific details and interactions between characters add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Amy are well-developed and relatable. John is shown as a curious and inventive young boy, while Amy is portrayed as caring and supportive. Their interactions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, there are hints of potential character growth and development in the future, particularly for John as he navigates the challenges of parenthood.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that John wants to spend time with Lucy and enjoy their playful interaction.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a conversation with Dr. Webber about a rare comic book for John's birthday and to invite him for dinner later.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not a high level of conflict in this particular scene, there are hints of potential conflicts and challenges that may arise in the future, such as John's promise to be more present in Amy's life and the challenges of parenthood.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is not strong. There are no significant obstacles or conflicts that create tension or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are not particularly high, but there are hints of potential higher stakes in the future, such as the challenges of parenthood and the consequences of time travel.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the parallel universe, establishing the friendship between John and Amy, and hinting at potential conflicts and challenges they may face in the future.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces elements of teleportation and presents a playful interaction between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of hope, playfulness, and sentimentality. The characters' interactions and the theme of family and friendship create an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between the characters is natural and reveals their personalities and relationships. It effectively conveys emotions and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces futuristic elements, establishes character relationships, and includes humorous dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective as it moves smoothly between different locations and conversations, keeping the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a series of shots that establish the setting as a futuristic version of New York City. This is a good way to introduce the setting and create a sense of atmosphere, but it could be more visually interesting by including more details about the futuristic elements of the city.
  • The transition to John teleporting from the top of the Empire State Building to the street is a bit abrupt. It would be more effective to show John walking or running to the edge of the building and then teleporting, so that the audience can see how he is using his powers.
  • The dialogue between John and Lucy is a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more believable if they talked more like real people and less like characters in a movie.
  • The scene in the coffee shop between Amy and Dr. Webber is well-written and believable. It provides some important information about Amy's pregnancy and her relationship with Dr. Webber.
  • The scene ends with Amy and Dr. Webber saying goodbye. This is a good way to end the scene, but it could be more impactful if there was a stronger sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Add more details about the futuristic elements of New York City to the opening shots of the scene.
  • Show John walking or running to the edge of the Empire State Building before he teleports.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between John and Lucy to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add a stronger sense of closure to the end of the scene.



Scene 7 -  Amy's Kindness: A Story of Friendship and Compassion
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – DAY

Amy, 10, crouches against the lockers crying. Amy rubs her
eyes, and she vanishes, leaving her reflection in a glass door
to her classroom.

INT. FIFTH GRADE CLASSROOM – DAY

TARA (10) places a green apple on Amy's desk.

Amy settles the class.

AMY
Get into pairs. You'll finish your
presentations this week.

The pupils shuffle around the classroom. Tara starts crying as
pupils walk past her, barely noticing her.

Amy, holding her belly, waddles over.

AMY (CONT'D)
What's wrong, Tara?

TARA
No one wants to work with me.

AMY
Can I work with you?

Tara looks to the ground avoiding eye contact.
11

AMY (CONT'D)
You can be the team leader and you
tell me what to do.

TARA
Can you draw the Pyramids?

AMY
I'll draw the best Pyramids ever.

CLAIRE, 11, passes Tara a pencil.

AMY (CONT’D)
I saw you made a friend.

Amy squirms in discomfort.

TARA
Are you OK?

Amy fake smiles as she draws the Pyramids.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age"]

Summary In this heartwarming scene, Amy, a 10-year-old girl who has been bullied, vanishes, leaving her reflection behind. She finds Tara, another student who is being excluded, and offers to work with her on a project. Despite her discomfort, Amy draws the Pyramids while Tara looks on. The scene highlights the power of kindness and compassion in the face of adversity, and ends with Amy and Tara working together, symbolizing their newfound friendship.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • Exploration of friendship theme
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional struggles of the characters and introduces the theme of friendship. The dialogue is heartfelt and the conflict between Tara and her classmates creates tension. The scene also moves the story forward by establishing Amy and Tara's friendship.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of friendship and its impact on individuals is explored in this scene. It highlights the power of empathy and support in overcoming challenges.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Amy reaching out to Tara and offering her friendship. This interaction sets the stage for their relationship and establishes a subplot within the larger story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a student feeling left out and another offering friendship is familiar, the specific dynamics and dialogue between the characters feel authentic and genuine.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and relatable. Amy's empathy and willingness to help others is evident, while Tara's vulnerability and desire for acceptance are portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Tara experiences a positive change as she finds a friend in Amy and gains confidence. Amy also demonstrates growth by reaching out to Tara and showing empathy.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to help Tara feel included and valued. This reflects Amy's deeper need for connection and her fear of being alone or rejected.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to offer her support and friendship to Tara. It reflects the immediate circumstance of Tara feeling left out and the challenge of finding a partner for the class activity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene arises from Tara's feeling of exclusion and Amy's attempt to alleviate her distress. While the conflict is not intense, it creates tension and emotional stakes.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak. While Tara initially feels left out, Amy quickly offers her support, and there is no significant obstacle or uncertainty in their interaction.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on emotional and interpersonal challenges rather than life-or-death situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the friendship between Amy and Tara, which will likely have further implications in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat predictable because it follows a familiar pattern of a character offering friendship to someone feeling left out. However, the specific dialogue and character dynamics add some unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and compassion. The audience empathizes with Tara's loneliness and Amy's kindness, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and emotionally resonant. It effectively conveys the characters' feelings and motivations, particularly in Amy and Tara's conversation.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable situation and creates empathy for the characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience interested in the outcome of the interaction between Amy and Tara.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm. The actions and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged without feeling rushed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting. For example, what does the classroom look like? What are the students wearing? What is the weather like outside?
  • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise. For example, the following line could be shortened: "Can I work with you?" to "Can I work with you?"
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding more action. For example, Amy could be shown drawing the Pyramids on the whiteboard, or Tara could be shown crying in the corner.
  • The scene could be more emotionally impactful by adding more depth to the characters. For example, Amy could be shown struggling to hold back tears as she draws the Pyramids, or Tara could be shown feeling isolated and alone.
  • Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting, dialogue, and characters. By making these changes, the scene will be more visually interesting and emotionally impactful.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting. For example, what does the classroom look like? What are the students wearing? What is the weather like outside?
  • Make the dialogue more concise. For example, the following line could be shortened: "Can I work with you?" to "Can I work with you?"
  • Add more action to the scene. For example, Amy could be shown drawing the Pyramids on the whiteboard, or Tara could be shown crying in the corner.
  • Add more depth to the characters. For example, Amy could be shown struggling to hold back tears as she draws the Pyramids, or Tara could be shown feeling isolated and alone.



Scene 8 -  Disagreements and Discoveries in a Luxurious Warehouse
EXT. WAREHOUSE – DAY - P255

Dripping in Art-Deco luxury.

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

John teleports too close to Lucy who takes a sidestep.

JOHN
Morning Lucy. Do something new with
your hair? I like it.

LUCY
Yeah, I decided to cut it all blue.
You’re the first one to notice.
How's that boring universe?

JOHN
You wouldn't last sixty seconds. No
technology to hack and the music is
getting worse every day. Plus, you
may stand out a tad.

LUCY
I can imagine. I want to meet the
man who has to hand-deliver the
mail and try their coffee.
12

JOHN
The mailman's coffee?

LUCY
No. Costa coffee. Can you bring me
a cup? Burn your mouth hot.

Mike, 57, wearing a five-figure gold and silver suit, places a
camera on a tripod.

He checks his 8-zero bank balance on a handheld device. He
clicks on a "Buy Now" button and purchases "The Return of the
Prodigal Son" by Rembrandt.

Lucy checks a pill bottle from her pocket that only has ten
pills. She pops two. John consults blueprints for GO6 and then
reluctantly gives them to Mike.

MIKE
And the notes for the implant?

John taps his head.

MIKE (CONT’D)
What if something happens to you?

JOHN
Hmm. What about these notes? What
if the plans fall into the wrong
hands? Then they have full access
to GO6. If they get access...

Mike interrupts.

MIKE
Yeah. I know. But you know the age-
old saying, "Father knows best."

John grabs his notes back off Mike.

JOHN
I know best! I built all this. I’m
not risking losing it all.

Mike puts his hand out and John gives him back the notes.

LUCY
Blah blah blah.
13

MIKE
Hey now young lady, with age comes
wisdom, and with wisdom comes being
right all the time.

JOHN
Don’t shout at Lucy. Even a wise
man needs a rubber. Ah, forget it.
You’re not stressing me out today.

LUCY
Make it up to me by giving me an
implant. Zipping around talking to
AI super-computers.

Lucy snatches blueprints for GO6 from Mike and with a blank
stare turns them 180 degrees. Mike takes the blueprints from
Lucy and rotates them.

LUCY (CONT’D)
How will we know if it works?

JOHN
By adding artificial intelligence
from P forty-eight, GO6 can process
heaps more info.

John straightens a photo on the wall with a younger John,
Mike, and Lucy who has bright red hair.

LUCY
I’m thinking of going back to red
hair. I’m glad you found me and asked
me to join you.

JOHN
I had to have the best coder I had
ever seen on my side.

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING: A Mystery Coder destroys the banking
system. Billions are wiped away with a press of a key.

LUCY
Ones and zeros have always been my
friends. Sometimes my only ones.

JOHN
You’ll find someone special. After
all, there are infinite universes
and timelines out there.
14

LUCY
Well, when you say it like that.

Mike sets the timer on the camera on the tripod and directs
Lucy and John into the frame. Lucy stands beside Mike and John
as the photo is taken.

MIKE
John, go back in time to when I first
asked you what you wanted for your
birthday and answer my question!

John rolls two dice and gets a 3 and a 4. He taps his implant
and vanishes.

A beat. BRIGHT LIGHT.

BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John teleports into a warehouse and greets Lucy, who requests coffee. Mike, in an expensive suit, buys a painting and sets up a camera. Lucy discusses blueprints and an implant with John, who goes back in time to answer a question. The scene has a playful tone but becomes serious when discussing the implant. Conflicts include disagreements about living in different universes and the implant notes.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of science fiction and drama, with a mix of serious and playful tones. It introduces the concept of parallel universes and time travel, while also exploring the meaning of life and the importance of relationships. The dialogue is engaging and the characters are well-developed. The scene moves the story forward and has a high emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is innovative and intriguing. It adds depth and complexity to the story, allowing for exploration of different possibilities and themes.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward. It introduces the main characters, their motivations, and sets up conflicts and goals. The scene also foreshadows future events and developments.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic and technologically advanced setting is not entirely unique, the specific details and elements, such as teleportation technology and the mention of hacking, add freshness to the familiar concept. The dialogue and banter between the characters also have a unique and entertaining quality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and have distinct personalities. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their motivations, conflicts, and relationships. The scene also hints at potential character arcs and growth.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character changes and growth, particularly for John and Lucy. It sets up their motivations and desires, which may lead to transformative experiences in the future.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that John wants to protect his inventions and maintain control over them. This reflects his deeper need for security, recognition, and control.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the blueprints for GO6 and ensure their safety. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of protecting his inventions and preventing them from falling into the wrong hands.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces conflicts and tensions between the characters, as well as potential conflicts related to the parallel universes and time travel. These conflicts create suspense and drive the story forward.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are some conflicts and challenges presented, they are not extremely difficult to overcome. The audience is left with some uncertainty about the outcome, but it is not a major source of tension.

High Stakes: 7

The scene introduces high stakes related to the exploration of parallel universes, time travel, and the potential consequences of the characters' actions. It creates a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, conflicts, and themes. It sets up future events and developments, creating anticipation and curiosity.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and character interactions. The humor and banter keep the audience guessing and engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, reflection, and connection between the characters. It explores themes of friendship, love, and the fear of the unknown.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. It effectively conveys emotions, conflicts, and themes.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty and playful dialogue between the characters. The banter and humor create an entertaining atmosphere that keeps the audience interested and invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest and moving the story forward. The dialogue and action descriptions are balanced, creating a rhythm that keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into dialogue and character interactions. The scene progresses smoothly and logically, leading to a flashback sequence at the end.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. What does John want from Lucy, and what is preventing him from getting it?
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real person would, and the conversation feels forced.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary details and dialogue.
  • The character of Lucy is not well-developed. We don't know anything about her motivations or her role in the story.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Give John a clear goal or conflict to pursue in the scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary details and dialogue.
  • Develop the character of Lucy by giving her more backstory and motivations.
  • Connect the scene to the main plot of the story by having John learn something new or make a decision that will affect the rest of the story.



Scene 9 -  Activating GO6: A Leap of Faith
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY – 1ST APRIL 2024 – P255

JOHN
I’ve to tell you that I want a new
fancy watch, one that will work in
all universes and at all times.

MIKE
I know the very one. Is this the
first time you're answering this
question or did I make you come
back and answer me?

JOHN
No spoilers.

John throws 2 dice and gets a 3 and 4. He shrugs it off.
He taps his implant and vanishes.

END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY – PRESENT DAY - P255

John appears three steps away from Lucy.

LUCY
I’ve got Deja vu. Did you change
the timeline, John? I wish we could
tell when you’ve gone back in time.
15

Mike gives John a small box with a red ribbon. John tries to
look surprised as he sees a state-of-the-art Patek Phillippe
watch.

MIKE
The DeLorean was hard to insure.

Mike goes to hug John but gets a formal handshake instead.

MIKE (CONT’D)
I know money can’t buy memories or
make up for lost time, but I’m
trying my best, son.

JOHN
I know, Mike.

John puts on the watch as Mike holds up GO6’s blueprints.

MIKE
I think that's enough thrusters.

LUCY
(impersonating Mike)
Thrus-ters.
(to John)
How come you don't speak like your
voice is full of money like your
dad?

John swivels away on a hovering chair and types on a computer
linked to a holographic monitor.

LUCY (CONT’D)
Invisibility suits me.

MONITOR: Permanently switch off GO5: Y/N.

LUCY
Can I press the button? With all
the coding I’ve put in, it all
comes down to one stroke of the
keyboard. I love that one finger
has the power over the machines.

Lucy types "Y."

MONITOR: GO5 shutting down.
16

SERIES OF SHOTS: Newspaper screenshots showing GO4 and GO5
bringing peace and stability to Planet Earth.

Lucy walks like a robot.

LUCY (CONT’D)
Will GO6 cause the robots to
revolt and rise up?

JOHN
I'm not saying it's impossible.

MIKE
GO6 can be unplugged, just like
robots.

MONITOR: Activate GO6: Y/N.

Lucy pretends she has been turned off; her arms hang by her
side. Mike presses behind Lucy’s ear and she “comes back to
life.” Lucy records a video on her device.

LUCY
Uh uh. You press the robot uprising
button. Tell me this is OK, John.

John speaks towards Lucy’s phone.

JOHN
I've never been surer of anything
in my life. I designed GO6 so it
can save the world and make
humanity the best it can be. With
the implant in my brain, I will be
GO6 incarnate. If anything happens,
I'll happily sit down while you
say, "I told you so" over and over
again.

LUCY
I'm thinking at least a Googolplex
number of times.

JOHN
I'll bring a cushion for the chair.

John, Mike, and Lucy all press the “Y” button. Lucy takes a
few steps back and shields her face.

CUCKOO CLOCK: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
17

Lucy, Mike, and John flinch. GO6's monitor flickers on.

LUCY
Always start with hello.

LAPTOP SCREEN: Hello, GO6.

JOHN
Now that GO6 is AI, I can focus on
being the best dad ever.

John taps his implant and vanishes.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John returns from the past with a watch and meets his father, Mike, in a playful manner. They discuss the potential risks of GO6, a groundbreaking technology designed by John to save the world. After some lighthearted banter, John expresses his confidence in GO6, and they activate it together. The scene ends with John vanishing after tapping his implant.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of GO6
  • Established relationships between characters
  • Potential conflicts and ethical dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot development in this scene
  • Emotional impact could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces the concept of GO6 and its significance in the story. It also establishes the emotional connection between the characters and sets up potential conflicts and stakes. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of GO6, a powerful AI designed to save the world and improve humanity, is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and ethical dilemmas. The idea of time travel and parallel universes adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on the introduction of GO6 and John's role as its creator. It sets up potential conflicts and stakes, but the overall plot development is limited in this particular scene.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its blend of futuristic technology and nostalgic references, as well as its exploration of the philosophical conflict surrounding advanced AI. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John, Mike, and Lucy are well-established and their relationships are explored. John's desire to be a responsible father and Mike's attempts to make up for lost time add depth to their characters. Lucy's curiosity and playfulness provide a contrasting dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character changes, such as John's desire to be a responsible father and Mike's attempts to make up for lost time, the changes are not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assure Mike that he appreciates his efforts and understands his intentions. This reflects the protagonist's deeper need for connection and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to activate GO6 and ensure its success. This reflects the immediate challenge of saving the world and making humanity the best it can be.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is relatively low, focusing more on establishing relationships and introducing the concept of GO6. However, potential conflicts and ethical dilemmas are hinted at, setting up future tension.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces challenges and conflicts, but they are easily overcome and do not create a high level of suspense or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on establishing relationships and introducing the concept of GO6. However, potential conflicts and ethical dilemmas are hinted at, setting up higher stakes for future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing GO6 and establishing the relationships between the characters. It sets up potential conflicts and stakes for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like teleportation, advanced watches, and the potential for a robot uprising. The audience is left wondering how these elements will impact the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the belief in the potential of advanced technology to save the world and the fear of the robots revolting and causing harm. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the power of his creation and raises ethical questions about the consequences of technological advancements.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has moments of emotional impact, particularly in Mike's attempts to make up for lost time and John's desire to be a responsible father. However, the emotional depth could be further developed to have a stronger impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and their relationships. It provides necessary exposition about GO6 and sets up potential conflicts. However, some lines could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, suspense, and emotional moments. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience interested and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a steady rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of capitalization, punctuation, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is overly expositional and lacks subtext. For example, when John says "I've to tell you that I want a new fancy watch, one that will work in all universes and at all times," he is simply stating a fact. There is no subtext or emotional depth to his words.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are all working together to achieve a common goal, and there is no tension or drama to keep the reader engaged.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with John vanishing without any explanation. This leaves the reader feeling confused and unsatisfied.
  • Lucy and Mike's conversation about the blueprints is confusing and difficult to follow. It's not clear what they are talking about or what they are trying to achieve.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Add subtext and emotional depth to the characters' words.
  • Introduce a conflict into the scene. This could be a disagreement between the characters, a problem that they need to overcome, or a threat that they need to face.
  • Give John a clear reason for vanishing at the end of the scene. This could be related to the conflict that you introduce.
  • Make Lucy and Mike's conversation about the blueprints more clear and concise. Explain what they are talking about and what they are trying to achieve.
  • Shorten the scene by removing any unnecessary dialogue or action.



Scene 10 -  Act One Finale: Inside the Futuristic GO6 Satellite
EXT. EARTH, SPACE - DAY

In a higher orbit is GO6, a futuristic SATELLITE the size of a
two-story house with several small windows, many antennae, and
solar panels on the side. "GO6" is printed next to the
international flag of Planet Earth (seven white rings that
form a flower against a blue background.)

VOICES speaking on cell phones, the Simpsons theme tune, and
"FUTURISTIC NOISES," including teleporting whooshing noises,
robotic movements, and sirens, become deafening.

INT. GO6 – DAY

GO6 is Big Brother on steroids. Meticulously clean and
clinical, with no desks or chairs. Computer screens are
linked to a large processor.

STICKER: "My name is GO6."

The noise of the world below is being observed, recorded,
and analyzed in eerie silence.

END ACT ONE
18

ACT TWO

ON SCREEN: P255
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary The final scene of Act One takes place in the clinical interior of the futuristic GO6 satellite, orbiting Earth and analyzing its noise. The meticulous setting and lack of dialogue create an eerie tone, leaving the reader in suspense for Act Two. The scene concludes with the on-screen text 'END ACT ONE', marking a transition to the next act.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept of parallel universes and time travel
  • Strong mix of action and emotion
  • Well-defined characters and relationships
  • Thought-provoking themes
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could benefit from more depth and nuance

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and captivating, with a strong mix of action, emotion, and thought-provoking concepts. It effectively introduces the main plot elements and sets up the conflict and stakes for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is intriguing and well-executed. It adds depth and complexity to the story, allowing for exploration of different possibilities and character development.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured and moves at a good pace. It introduces key elements, such as the portal-opening device, the parallel universe, and the mission to save the world. The scene also sets up conflicts and raises questions that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a futuristic satellite and surveillance is not entirely unique, the inclusion of specific details such as the size of the satellite and the futuristic noises adds a fresh approach to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not applicable in this scene as there are no characters present.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations and relationships are established. John and Amy's budding friendship and their shared excitement about the portal-opening device create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Both John and Amy experience significant changes in the scene. John goes from being a curious and imaginative boy to a determined and resourceful young man. Amy transitions from a lonely and bullied girl to a hopeful and supportive friend. These character changes drive the story forward and set up their arcs.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated.

External Goal: 0

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene introduces conflicts on multiple levels, including the physical danger of the car accident, the emotional conflict between Amy and her father, and the larger conflict of saving the world. These conflicts create tension and drive the story forward.

Opposition: 3

The opposition in this scene is minimal as there are no characters present and no clear conflict or obstacle is established.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the car accident and the mission to save the world have life-or-death consequences. The characters' personal stakes, such as John's desire to be a good father and Amy's hope for a better future, add emotional weight to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot elements, conflicts, and character development. It sets up the mission to save the world and establishes the stakes for the protagonists. The audience is left eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a futuristic concept and leaves the audience with questions about the purpose and implications of the satellite and surveillance.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from excitement and anticipation to concern and empathy. The audience is invested in the characters' journeys and their relationships, which adds emotional depth to the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and developing the characters. It could benefit from more depth and nuance, particularly in exploring the emotional impact of the events and the characters' thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a futuristic setting and creates curiosity about the purpose of the satellite and the surveillance happening. The inclusion of specific details and the use of descriptive language also contribute to the engagement level.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually introducing the setting and building curiosity. The transition from the exterior to the interior of the satellite adds a sense of progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue is clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, followed by a transition to the interior of the satellite. The inclusion of the act breaks also adheres to the expected structure.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and does not provide enough context or character development.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The action is unclear and confusing.
  • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Add more context to the scene by establishing the setting and the characters' relationships to each other.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Clarify the action by using more descriptive language and stage directions.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict or providing a sense of closure.



Scene 11 -  Fine-Tuning Destinies and Contemplating Life's Meaning
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

ON BLACKBOARD: Complex quantum equations, printouts of
conversations, and social media feeds are all joined
together by different colors of thread.

ON WALL: Photos of everyday people from around the world with
their new timelines and destinies calculated out.

- a POSTMAN is now the CEO of a finance company.
- a CLEANER is now a Mayor.
- a TEACHER is now an actor.

Mike takes a green pen and writes on a whiteboard.

WHITEBOARD: A photo of a FEMALE BARISTA with a red line
representing her current timeline. Mike draws a green line
above the red line that connects to “MiT - NOBEL PRIZE.”

LUCY
I might fine-tune GO6’s criteria
for choosing candidates.

MIKE
How so?

LUCY
GO6 can access a person’s life in
countless parallel universes and
timelines, and determine which
destiny makes the person the
happiest.

MIKE
And what would you change?

LUCY
Rather than focusing on their jobs
and careers, GO6 should focus on
their relationships.

MIKE
I’ve always said the meaning of
life is a -
19

John teleports carrying a goldfish in a bowl and passes it
to Lucy. Water splashes onto Mike’s shiny shoes.

JOHN
Good. It’s still swimming.

LUCY
(to the goldfish)
Needles? Yup, that suits you.

JOHN
Why Needles?

LUCY
I had a dog called Needles when I
was younger. It died.

Mike dries his shoes with a paper towel.

MIKE
Lucy was asking what makes people
happier, love or money? I’ve always
said the meaning of life is a –

JOHN
(interrupting)
One Timothy six ten says the love
of money is the root of all evil.

LUCY
I still can’t believe you were
going to be a priest.

JOHN
What is destiny? That’s the key.

WHITEBOARD: A photo of RICHARD YOUNG (25), a throwback from
the Grunge era in a UPS driver’s uniform. John takes a green
pen and draws a straight line from the photo to the other
side of the board and writes “Rockstar.”

LUCY
What if Richard doesn’t meet his
soul mate because we have
interfered with his destiny?

Lucy grabs a yellow pen and writes on the whiteboard.
WHITEBOARD: A new timeline from Richard’s photo to a
gravestone. “Death by loneliness.”
20

John writes on the whiteboard.

WHITEBOARD: A wiggly line that covers all sides of the board.
He writes “Different choices = optimize destiny.”

John taps his implant and vanishes. Lucy wipes out John’s
green wiggly line from the whiteboard.

MIKE
(to himself)
The meaning of life is a meaningful
life.

Mike takes his shoe off and water drips out.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In a warehouse during the day, Mike and Lucy discuss refining GO6's candidate selection criteria, with Lucy advocating for an emphasis on relationships over careers. John interrupts with a philosophical quote and a live goldfish for Lucy. The conversation shifts to the implications of altering people's destinies, with Lucy expressing concern about Richard's potential loneliness and John suggesting that alternative choices can optimize destiny. The scene concludes with Mike finding water in his shoe, adding a touch of humor to the contemplative atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
  • Exploration of philosophical themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Underdeveloped character changes
  • Unclear plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces and explores the central themes of the story, provides thought-provoking dialogue, and sets up the conflict and stakes for the characters. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact and character changes.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a satellite to analyze and optimize people's destinies in parallel universes is unique and intriguing. It raises philosophical questions about the meaning of life and the role of relationships versus career success.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the GO6 satellite and its potential to change people's destinies. It also sets up the conflict between Lucy's desire to prioritize relationships and Mike's focus on career success. However, the plot could benefit from further development and clearer progression.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique concept of an organization manipulating destinies and the philosophical debates surrounding the meaning of life. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality by presenting relatable and thought-provoking conversations.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with distinct personalities and motivations. John is curious and knowledgeable, Lucy is determined and compassionate, and Mike is pragmatic and success-driven. However, their development and interactions could be further explored to enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 6

There is some potential for character changes, particularly for Lucy as she considers altering GO6's criteria. However, the changes are not fully realized in this scene and could be further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to question the purpose and meaning of life. This reflects their deeper need for understanding and fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss and potentially change the criteria for choosing candidates in GO6. This reflects the immediate challenge of improving the organization's methods and potentially impacting people's destinies.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Lucy and Mike have differing views on the criteria for GO6's candidate selection. There is also a potential conflict between interfering with people's destinies and their happiness. However, the conflict could be more pronounced and externalized.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there are conflicting viewpoints and debates, there is no significant obstacle or challenge that creates suspense or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as the characters discuss the potential impact of GO6 on people's lives and destinies. There is also a personal stake for Lucy as she considers changing the criteria. However, the stakes could be further heightened.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the GO6 satellite, exploring its potential, and setting up the conflict between Lucy and Mike. It also raises questions about the consequences of altering destinies. However, the progression could be clearer and more impactful.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as teleportation, a goldfish, and discussions about manipulating destinies. These elements add surprises and keep the audience guessing about the direction of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the debate between focusing on jobs and careers versus focusing on relationships as the key to happiness. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values regarding the meaning of life and what truly brings happiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a sense of thoughtfulness and reflection through its philosophical dialogue. However, the emotional impact could be heightened by further exploring the characters' emotions and reactions to the concept of destiny.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is thought-provoking and explores philosophical concepts. It effectively conveys the characters' perspectives on the meaning of life and their desires for happiness. However, some exchanges could be more natural and nuanced.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a unique concept, raises thought-provoking questions, and introduces conflicts and mysteries that capture the audience's attention. The dialogue is dynamic and reveals information in an intriguing manner.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of dialogue and action. It allows for contemplation of the philosophical questions while maintaining a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and progresses the narrative through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in long, exposition-heavy speeches that are difficult to follow.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and uninteresting. They are defined by their jobs and relationships, and they have little depth or nuance.
  • The plot is predictable and lacks suspense. The audience can guess what is going to happen next, and there is no real sense of danger or urgency.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves several questions unanswered and the audience feeling confused.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Avoid long, exposition-heavy speeches.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give them depth and nuance. Make them relatable and interesting.
  • Add suspense to the plot. Create a sense of danger or urgency. Keep the audience guessing.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. Answer the questions that the audience has and leave them feeling satisfied.



Scene 12 -  A Surprise Ride in a Flying Machine
SERIES OF SHOTS: EXT. TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
- Shiny, eco-friendly glass buildings.
- CINEMA BILLBOARD: "Cattle Queen of Montana" is
showing, starring R. Reagan and B. Stanwyck.
- TRAVEL AGENT BILLBOARD: Faresi Island, where you can
be anyone you want and all your dreams come true.

TIMES SQUARE - EAST

Richard Young sings to a small crowd including John. Four sets
of Pedestrian crossing lights turn to "Don't Walk." The man
turns back and stops in his tracks when he hears Richard
singing. He gives Richard a business card.

BUSINESS CARD: A record producer's information.

JOHN
You timed that to the nanosecond.

PEOPLE take out their implants and focus on Richard singing.
A Black SUV flying machine with blacked-out windows abruptly
lands next to John. MEN IN BLACK usher John and Mike into the
car. AGENT 1 takes John’s implant out of its docking port. A
vertical takeoff and they disappear into the sky.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Richard Young, a talented singer, performs in Times Square, capturing the attention of John and a man who gives Richard his business card. The performance is cut short when Men in Black arrive, ushering John and his companion Mike into a futuristic flying machine, shifting the tone from upbeat to mysterious and suspenseful.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of parallel universes
  • Thought-provoking exploration of the meaning of life
  • Establishment of central conflict and questions
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be further refined
  • Character development and arcs need more depth
  • Emotional impact could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces and explores the concept of parallel universes and the meaning of life. It sets up the main conflict and raises questions about destiny and the potential consequences of interfering with it. The scene also establishes the importance of relationships and the role of the futuristic satellite GO6. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and the exploration of the meaning of life are intriguing and thought-provoking. The introduction of the futuristic satellite GO6 adds a unique and futuristic element to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the main characters, their relationships, and the central conflict involving parallel universes and the meaning of life. It sets up the foundation for the story but leaves room for further development and exploration.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and advanced technology are not entirely unique, the specific details, such as the eco-friendly glass buildings and the implants, add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced and their personalities and motivations are established to some extent. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their arcs and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

The characters undergo some changes in their perspectives and beliefs about the meaning of life and destiny. However, these changes could be further developed and explored to enhance the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that John is intrigued by Richard's singing and impressed by his timing. This reflects John's deeper desire for talent and success in the music industry.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet with the record producer whose business card he receives. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges John is facing, as he sees an opportunity to further his music career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal and philosophical, revolving around the characters' perspectives on the meaning of life and the potential consequences of interfering with destiny. There is room for further development and escalation of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is abruptly taken away by the Men in Black, creating a significant obstacle for him to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene revolve around the potential consequences of interfering with destiny and the impact it may have on the characters' lives. However, there is room for further escalation and exploration of the stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of parallel universes, the meaning of life, and the role of the futuristic satellite GO6. It sets up the central conflict and raises questions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the sudden appearance of the flying SUV and the abduction of the protagonist by the Men in Black create a sense of uncertainty and leave the audience wondering about the protagonist's fate.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of reflection and contemplation through its eerie tone and philosophical conversations. However, there is room for further emotional depth and impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of introducing the characters and their perspectives on the meaning of life and destiny. However, it could be further refined to enhance the emotional impact and depth of the conversations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a futuristic world and presents a clear goal for the protagonist. The fast-paced narrative and the sudden appearance of the flying SUV create intrigue and capture the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and dynamic rhythm. The quick succession of shots and the sudden events create a sense of urgency and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively uses scene headings, action lines, and dialogue to convey the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a series of shots to establish the setting, followed by character interactions and a clear progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene is very descriptive and captures the hustle and bustle of Times Square, but it could be more concise. It's unclear what the purpose of the opening shots of the buildings and billboards is, and they could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. For example, John's line, "You timed that to the nanosecond," sounds like something a robot would say. It would be more natural for him to say something like, "That was perfect timing."
  • The scene lacks conflict. John and Mike are simply ushered into the Black SUV and taken away without any resistance or questions. This makes the scene feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the reader with more questions than answers. What is the significance of the man giving Richard a business card? Why are John and Mike being taken away by the Men in Black? These questions are left unanswered, which can be frustrating for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Cut the opening shots of the buildings and billboards.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add a conflict to the scene, such as John and Mike being chased by the Men in Black.
  • Provide more information about the man who gives Richard a business card and why John and Mike are being taken away by the Men in Black.
  • Consider ending the scene on a cliffhanger to leave the reader wanting more.



Scene 13 -  President Taylor's Urgent Request Leads to Mysterious Disappearance
EXT. WAREHOUSE ROOF – DAY

A roof opens and the black SUV maneuvers downwards.
21

INT. CORRIDORS – DAY

John and Mike are marched along a white anonymous corridor. He
points to the many CCTV cameras that turn to follow them.

INT. SECURE ROOM – DAY

Cold with two chairs and a small table. Four AGENTS enter.
PRESIDENT TAYLOR, 45, a female bureaucrat, enters and sits at
the table. John and Mike sit on the chairs.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
Sorry for the.

She points to the men in black. She gives John back his
implant and he puts it into the docking port.

MIKE
Anything we can do to help; you
just have to ask Madam President.

JOHN
Sir, yes, Ma’am.

President Taylor opens a file.

JOHN (CONT’D)
That’s a.

MIKE
Yeah. That’s a.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
Solar flare. We need your help. And
GO6’s.

The room goes dark. When the lights go on, John and Mike have
disappeared.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a serious and urgent setting, President Taylor brings John and Mike to a secure room in a warehouse to ask for their help with a solar flare. She returns John's implant and apologizes for their treatment. However, when the room goes dark, John and Mike mysteriously disappear.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing important plot information
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the main conflict of the story. It introduces a significant plot point and raises the stakes for the characters. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters' roles and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a futuristic satellite (GO6) and its role in observing and analyzing the world is intriguing. The idea of a solar flare posing a threat and requiring assistance adds urgency to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as the characters are brought into a secure room to discuss the solar flare situation. The scene sets up the main conflict and raises questions about the characters' abilities and the role of GO6.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and challenges presented, such as assisting with a solar flare, are not particularly unique or fresh. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is also not particularly remarkable or innovative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities and roles are further developed in this scene. President Taylor is portrayed as a strong and authoritative figure, while John and Mike show their willingness to help. Their dialogue reveals their dedication and loyalty.

Character Changes: 7

There is not a significant character change in this scene, but it does showcase the characters' dedication and willingness to help.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that they want to assist President Taylor and fulfill their duty. This reflects their deeper need to serve their country or organization, their fear of failure or disappointing their superiors, and their desire to prove themselves capable and loyal.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to help President Taylor with a situation involving a solar flare. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, which require their expertise and assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the threat of the solar flare and the need for assistance. The characters' willingness to help and the potential risks involved create tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The disappearance of the protagonists creates a small obstacle or challenge, but it is not clear how it will be resolved or what the outcome will be.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters are faced with a potential disaster caused by a solar flare. The fate of the world and the characters' abilities are at stake.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict and setting up the next phase of the plot. It raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the disappearance of the protagonists adds a layer of mystery and raises questions about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene doesn't focus heavily on emotional impact, but it does create a sense of urgency and concern for the characters' well-being.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is well-written and serves to convey important information about the plot and the characters' motivations. It effectively builds tension and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious situation, involves high-ranking officials, and creates a sense of anticipation and intrigue with the disappearance of the protagonists.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the reader's interest and moving the story forward. The concise dialogue and minimalistic scene description contribute to a brisk and efficient pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior location, transitions to interior locations, and focuses on a conversation between characters.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and the reader doesn't feel invested in them.
  • The plot is confusing and it's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Add more context to the scene so that the reader can understand what is happening.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Develop the characters more so that the reader can feel invested in them.
  • Clarify the plot so that the reader can understand what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • Revise the ending to make it more satisfying.



Scene 14 -  Urgent Warning Ignored: A Solar Flare Threatens
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

Mike bumps into Lucy who spills her coffee.

LUCY
Excusey moi, mister.

Mike tears down the photos of the postman and female barista
and pins an image of a solar flare erupting from the Sun.
22

MIKE
Fifteen billion lives in the
balance.

ON SCREEN:
INT. NEWS STUDIO – DAY

NEWS REPORTER
We have received early reports of a
solar storm, but scientists have
assured us it won’t affect us.
We’ll be keeping an eye on it.

LUCY
We need to let people know.

MIKE
NO! What would that do besides
panic people more?

LUCY
Give them a chance to say goodbye
to their loved ones. Prepare
spiritually?

MIKE
It would cause more harm than not.

LUCY
NO! I’ll hack the media.

MIKE
You’ll do nothing of the sort.

LUCY
Watch me, OLD MAN. John’s right, you
can be a –

John teleports and Mike and Lucy go their separate ways.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Mike and Lucy have a tense encounter in a warehouse during the day, where Mike tears down photos and replaces them with an image of a solar flare, warning that 15 billion lives are at stake. Lucy wants to inform the public, but Mike refuses, fearing panic. A news reporter on TV assures viewers that the solar storm won't affect them. Lucy threatens to hack the media, but Mike forbids it. The conflict remains unresolved as John teleports in, and Mike and Lucy leave separately. The tone of the scene is tense and urgent.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a high-stakes conflict. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking. The concept of a solar flare adds an element of urgency and danger to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a solar flare threatening the world is intriguing and creates a sense of urgency. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets up the conflict between characters.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters discussing how to handle the threat of a solar flare. It introduces tension and conflict, moving the story forward.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through the unique situation of a solar storm and the characters' conflicting beliefs about how to handle it. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Lucy and Mike are well-developed and their conflicting viewpoints create tension. Their dialogue reveals their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential changes in Lucy and Mike's perspectives on handling the solar flare threat.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prevent panic and protect people from harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop Lucy from hacking the media and causing panic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lucy and Mike regarding how to handle the solar flare threat is intense and drives the scene forward. It creates tension and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Lucy and Mike have conflicting goals and beliefs, and the audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The threat of a solar flare affecting billions of lives creates high stakes in the scene. The conflict between Lucy and Mike adds to the sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the threat of a solar flare and the conflict between Lucy and Mike. It raises the stakes and sets up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden teleportation event, which adds an unexpected element to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Lucy and Mike. Lucy believes that people should be informed about the solar storm to have a chance to say goodbye and prepare spiritually, while Mike believes that it would cause more harm than good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes concern and determination in the characters. The high stakes and conflicting viewpoints add emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking. It effectively conveys the conflict between Lucy and Mike and explores deeper themes of life and destiny.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict between the characters and raises questions about how they will resolve it.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension through concise dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. What do Mike and Lucy want to achieve in this scene?
  • The dialogue is exposition-heavy and lacks subtext or emotional depth.
  • The characters' motivations are unclear. Why is Mike so against informing the public about the solar flare?
  • The scene ends abruptly with John teleporting and Mike and Lucy going their separate ways. This leaves the reader with a sense of anticlimax.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. It is set in a nondescript warehouse with few props or details.
Suggestions
  • Give Mike and Lucy a clear goal or conflict to drive the scene.
  • Add subtext and emotional depth to the dialogue by exploring the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.
  • Clarify Mike's motivations for opposing Lucy's plan to inform the public about the solar flare.
  • Add a more satisfying ending to the scene, such as a confrontation between Mike and Lucy or a decision by John to take action.
  • Add visual interest to the scene by describing the warehouse in more detail and adding props or details that can help to create a sense of atmosphere.



Scene 15 -  Pressing the Save Earth Protocol Button
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

ON SCREEN: Keywords - Retrograde dissociative amnesia, memory
manipulation, an image of a hippocampus.

A tattooed hand (PARALLEL JOHN) inserts a solution into a
syringe.

ON SCREEN: ONE MONTH LATER - P255
23


INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

ON SCREEN: INT. NEWS STUDIO – DAY

NEWS REPORTER
The solar storm is going to hit
soon, and we now believe we have
finally got a solution. A solar
shield that will deflect the sun's
rays.

Empty boxes, cut wires, and broken diodes lie on the floor.
Mike puts a five-dollar note in his wallet.

LUCY
Who is pressing the button?

ON SCREEN: Save Earth protocol initiate: Y/N

Mike reaches over and presses “Y.”
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary A tattooed hand, identified as Parallel John, is seen preparing a solution in a syringe. One month later, the scene shifts to a warehouse where Mike, after putting a five-dollar bill in his wallet, presses the 'Y' button to initiate the Save Earth protocol in response to Lucy's question about who will perform this task. The scene is calm and free of conflict, with retrograde dissociative amnesia and memory manipulation as visual elements. The scene concludes with Mike's action.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • High stakes
  • Thought-provoking themes
Weaknesses
  • Underdeveloped characters
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and introduces several intriguing elements such as parallel universes, time travel, and a looming solar storm. The dialogue is thought-provoking and sets up the conflict and stakes for the story. The scene also has a mysterious and eerie tone, which adds to its appeal.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes, time travel, and a futuristic satellite monitoring Earth is unique and captivating. It introduces interesting possibilities for the story and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters discussing the solar storm and their role in preventing its catastrophic effects. It sets up the main conflict and establishes the urgency and high stakes of the situation.

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and challenges presented, such as a solar storm and the need to press a button to initiate a protocol, are familiar tropes in the science fiction genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not explicitly evident in the given scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are intriguing, but their personalities and motivations are not fully explored. John, Mike, and Lucy have distinct roles and perspectives, but there is room for further development.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene. The characters' perspectives and motivations are established, but their growth and development are yet to be fully explored.

Internal Goal: 5

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated in the given dialogue and description. However, based on the context, it can be inferred that the protagonist may have a desire to protect the Earth from the solar storm and ensure the success of the Save Earth protocol.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to press the 'Y' button to initiate the Save Earth protocol.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal and revolves around the characters' moral dilemmas and differing perspectives on how to handle the impending solar storm. The conflict is not yet fully developed but sets the stage for future conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While the protagonist faces the challenge of pressing the 'Y' button, the outcome is relatively predictable, and the audience does not have significant doubts about the success of the action.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high as the characters discuss the potential consequences of the solar storm and their role in preventing it. The fate of billions of lives hangs in the balance, adding urgency and tension to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the solar storm, the parallel universes, and the characters' roles in preventing the disaster. It sets up the main conflict and establishes the stakes for the story.

Unpredictability: 4

This scene is somewhat predictable as the protagonist's action of pressing the 'Y' button aligns with the expected outcome of initiating the Save Earth protocol.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact as it raises existential questions and introduces the potential consequences of the characters' actions. However, the emotional depth could be further explored to enhance the impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and thought-provoking. It explores themes of destiny, choices, and the meaning of life. The conversations between the characters reveal their perspectives and motivations.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a clear objective (pressing the 'Y' button) and introduces a potential threat (solar storm). The concise writing style and fast-paced nature contribute to maintaining the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining a sense of urgency and action. The concise writing style and focused description contribute to the fast-paced rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by dialogue and action lines that progress the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is missing a clear goal or objective for the characters. What are they trying to achieve? What do they want?
  • The dialogue between the characters should be more dynamic and engaging. It should be clear who is speaking and what they are trying to say.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed. There is a lot of information being conveyed in a short amount of time.
  • The use of acronyms and technical terms may be confusing to the reader. It would be helpful to provide more context or explanation.
  • The scene should end with a stronger sense of closure. The reader should feel like something has been resolved or that the story has moved forward.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal or objective for the characters. This will help to focus the action and make the scene more engaging.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more dynamic and engaging. Make sure it is clear who is speaking and what they are trying to say.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene. Give the reader more time to absorb the information that is being conveyed.
  • Provide more context or explanation for the acronyms and technical terms that are used.
  • End the scene with a stronger sense of closure. The reader should feel like something has been resolved or that the story has moved forward.



Scene 16 -  Racing Against Time: A Dangerous Solution
EXT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

PARALLEL JOHN,30, buzzcut, tattooed hand, and dressed in
second-hand clothes, steps through a green portal.

EXT. EARTH, SPACE – DAY

GO1, GO2, GO3, GO4 satellites, and GO5 are activated. They
maneuver into position, forming an array. High-intensity
red lasers are fired between them. Most of the solar storm
collides with the array and deflects successfully back
into space. However, the remainder of the solar storm
vaporizes the shield array and heads toward Earth.

GO6's thrusters propel it through a portal.

SERIES OF SHOTS: EXT. MANHATTAN – DAY

- The Chrysler Building is destroyed.
- The Empire State Building is gone.
- Central Park vaporized.

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

Mike has changed into an uninspired dark blue suit. Lucy hides
her hair under a New York Yankees baseball cap. She CHOKES on
the burning fumes entering through the smashed windows.
24


LUCY
Will we make it?

MIKE
Yes! We need to go.

LUCY
Mike, I'm scared.

MIKE
I'm scared too. I’m sorry I shouted
at you earlier.

LUCY
I gave as good as I got. Is there
nothing we can do?

JOHN
Not now. There will be time to
mourn everyone soon. We need to go.

MIKE
Go now!

John salutes Mike who struts into the portal. Lucy touches the
burning hot wall and her thumb singes with the heat. John
takes off his futuristic suit and Velcro trainers. He buttons
up his humdrum brown suit jacket.

JOHN
Go, Lucy. I'm right behind you.

She gives John a thumbs-up with her burnt thumb.

JOHN (CONT’D)
What happened to your thumb?

Lucy hides it behind her back as she steps into the portal.

John spots the “Costa” cup with Amy’s name written on it in
the bin.

Parallel John teleports in front of the portal. He holds
a syringe with a red solution. John turns around.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Are you me? From Biff’s future?
25

PARALLEL JOHN
(with a posh English accent)
Future, past. It’s all the same
thing. No time for pleasantries.

Parallel John helps John onto a seat. The syringe pierces
John’s neck.

PARALLEL JOHN (CONT’D)
It manipulates your long-term
memories and controls your
cognitive and critical thinking.
You will forget you created GO6. It
will become the enemy, plus, and
you could save Amy.

JOHN
Amy’s in danger?

John takes the syringe and injects himself.

PARALLEL JOHN
I’ve said too much. GO19 has it all
worked out to the nanosecond. But
she can’t get involved directly.
Quantum cause and effect. You know.

The solar flare is moments from incinerating them both.
Parallel John attaches a 5-inch-wide time distortion
device to the portal opening device. He changes the time
to ten minutes earlier.

TIME DISTORTION DEVICE DISPLAY SCREEN: JUNE 11, 2024,
13:44

JOHN
Won't there already be a me in that
timeframe?

PARALLEL JOHN
All taken care of. It has to be
you, this exact you, at this exact
time. A small piece of advice.
Don’t always draw attention to
yourself. It could alienate some
people.

Parallel John reveals a futuristic upgraded implant.
IMPLANT DISPLAY: June 11th 3045.
26

John attempts to grab the implant from Parallel John. They
fight on the ground. A photo falls out of Parallel John’s
pocket.

PHOTO: Parallel John, PARALLEL AMY, and JESSICA, 3.

John sits fixated on the photo. Sweat gushes off him.

JOHN
Will I be a good dad?

PARALLEL JOHN
Yes. It’s hard, but worth it. But
you won’t be a dad at all if you
don’t get a move on.

Parallel John gives John a car key but it burns to touch.

PARALLEL JOHN (CONT’D)
Pick up Amy from the shoe shop.
She’s waiting for you. And no, you
won’t remember this conversation.

John slumps on the ground. Parallel John takes out John’s
implant and docking port and puts them in a padded box.

PARALLEL JOHN (CONT’D)
I’ll make sure Mike gets them
exactly when he needs them.

Parallel John has one last look around.

PARALLEL JOHN (CONT’D)
Good. That’s everything. Bon voyage.

Parallel John pushes John head-first through the portal. The
portal opening device bursts into flames as it disappears just
before the portal closes. Parallel John taps his implant and
vanishes. The warehouse is engulfed in flames.

ON-SCREEN: JUNE 11, 2024 – PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Parallel John injects John with a serum to manipulate his long-term memories and sends him back in time to save Amy, as they both race against time to prevent a deadly solar storm from reaching Earth. Meanwhile, Mike and Lucy, dressed in dark blue suits and a Yankees cap, try to make it out of the burning warehouse alive.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further refined

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and impactful, with a strong concept, well-developed characters, and intense conflict. The emotional depth and high stakes make it a compelling and memorable scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is intriguing and well-executed in the scene. It adds depth and complexity to the story, creating suspense and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged. It introduces new elements and conflicts, advancing the story and setting up future events.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique blend of futuristic technology and personal relationships. The concept of using a syringe to manipulate memories adds a fresh twist to the familiar theme of sacrificing for loved ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Their interactions and conflicts drive the scene and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The character of John undergoes a significant change as he learns about the potential consequences of his actions and makes a sacrifice for the sake of his loved ones.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear and protect his loved ones. He wants to ensure the safety of Lucy and Amy, and he is also grappling with the idea of becoming a father and being a good dad.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the warehouse and find a way to survive the solar storm. He needs to make it through the portal and reach Amy at the shoe shop.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. It involves personal conflicts, the threat of a solar storm, and the ethical dilemma of interfering with destiny.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the characters are facing the imminent threat of the solar storm and the challenge of finding a way to survive. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles, adding to the suspense and tension of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the threat of a solar storm that could potentially destroy Earth. The characters' actions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, advancing the plot, and setting up future events. It leaves the audience eager to know what happens next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the syringe and the revelation of the photo. The twists and turns in the plot keep the audience guessing and add to the overall suspense of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the idea of sacrificing one's own memories and identity for the greater good. The protagonist is faced with the choice of using the syringe to manipulate his memories and save Amy, but it challenges his beliefs about personal autonomy and the value of individual experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, hope, and regret. The characters' struggles and the high stakes create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys emotions and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines intense action with emotional moments. The imminent danger of the solar storm and the characters' desperate attempts to survive create a sense of suspense and tension. The personal relationships and sacrifices add depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's engagement. The action sequences are well-paced, and the emotional moments are given enough time to resonate with the audience. The scene flows smoothly and keeps the audience invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow. The use of capitalization and punctuation is consistent and appropriate.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by a series of shots to convey the destruction of the city. The dialogue and action are well-paced, leading to a climactic moment with the syringe and the revelation of the photo.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is somewhat stiff and unnatural.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, and there are a lot of different things happening in a short amount of time.
  • The motivations of the characters are not always clear, and it can be difficult to understand why they are doing the things they are doing.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual description, as it is currently quite dialogue-heavy.
  • The ending of the scene feels a bit abrupt, and it is not clear what happens to the characters after the portal closes.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene and give the characters more time to react to each other.
  • Make the motivations of the characters more clear, and explain why they are doing the things they are doing.
  • Add more visual description to the scene, such as details about the setting, the characters' appearance, and the actions they are taking.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and to provide more closure for the characters.



Scene 17 -  Preparations and Arrivals
INT. BABY SHOE SHOP – DAY

SCREAMING BABIES. Amy buys a pair of boys' and girls' shoes.

ASSISTANT
What are you hoping for?

Amy gives the assistant the girl's shoes first.
27


EXT. SHOE SHOP – DAY

Amy enters John’s car and puts on her seatbelt.

EXT. EARTH – SPACE – DAY

GO6 enters through a large portal. Its thrusters position it
safely in Earth's orbit.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE – DAY

A SHEPHERD (61) tends to his goats. A brilliant blue portal
materializes. Fire from the edges of the portal sets alight
bushes. The shepherd runs away.

Five portal opening devices, boxes, and crates emerge from the
portal, followed by Lucy, then Mike. Lucy checks she has all
her fingers. Mike opens the transportation box with the
implant and docking port but no diodes flash.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In a calm and peaceful setting on June 11, 2024, in a parallel universe, Amy purchases shoes for both boys and girls in a baby shoe shop. She then joins John in his car, fastening her seatbelt. Simultaneously, a spaceship descends upon Earth's orbit, while a shepherd, tending to his goats in a mountain range, suddenly encounters an interdimensional portal. No conflict is present in this scene, and the visuals transition between these diverse locations.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Intriguing plot
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and introduces several intriguing elements that capture the audience's attention. It sets up the main conflict and establishes the importance of the characters' mission.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes, time travel, and a satellite responsible for observing and analyzing the world below is unique and captivating. It introduces complex ideas and sets the stage for an exciting story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed and introduces multiple storylines that intersect and create tension. The mission to save the world from a solar storm adds urgency and raises the stakes.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and actions are familiar and there are no particularly unique or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is average.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and have distinct personalities, but their development is limited in this scene. However, their interactions and dialogue provide hints of their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

There is limited character development in this scene, but the introduction of parallel John and his mission to save Amy suggests potential growth and change for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Amy is hoping for a specific gender for her baby based on her choice of shoes. This reflects her deeper desire for a certain type of family dynamic or personal preference.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to purchase shoes for her baby. This reflects the immediate circumstance of preparing for the arrival of a child and the challenge of finding the right items.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces conflicts on multiple levels, including the personal conflicts of the characters, the mission to save the world, and the potential consequences of interfering with destiny.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak as there are no significant obstacles or challenges for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is unsure of the outcome, but the stakes are not high.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are faced with the task of saving the world from a solar storm. The potential consequences of their actions and the risks involved add tension and urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing parallel universes, the mission to save the world, and the potential consequences of interfering with destiny. It sets up the main conflict and raises the stakes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the sudden appearance of portals and the arrival of characters create a sense of uncertainty and curiosity.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of mystery and anticipation, but the emotional impact is somewhat limited. However, the audience is likely to feel invested in the characters' mission and curious about their fates.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It also explores philosophical themes and raises thought-provoking questions.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and intrigue with the appearance of portals and the arrival of characters from another location.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the audience engaged. The transitions between locations are smooth and the actions are described concisely.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an interior location, transitions to exterior locations, and ends with a specific action.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and the reader doesn't feel invested in their story.
  • The pacing is too slow and the scene doesn't build to any kind of climax.
  • The ending is abrupt and leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.
  • The fire from the portal setting alight the bushes seems unnecessary and a bit too on-the-nose.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene and provide more context for the reader.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the characters more and give the reader a reason to care about them.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene and build to a climax.
  • Rewrite the ending to make it more satisfying.
  • Consider removing the part about the fire from the portal setting alight the bushes.



Scene 18 -  Mike and Lucy's Arrival in a Devastated World and Debate over GO6 Satellite
EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE – DAY

Mike and Lucy stare at the wilderness.

LUCY
Where is the warehouse?

MIKE
Good question.

LUCY
I didn't think a solar flare could
destroy the world.

MIKE
It was not just a solar flare. The
Sun entered the red giant phase.

LUCY
Will this happen to my universe
too?

Mike consults printouts. Lucy looks at the photo of the female
Barista.

LUCY
"It is not the stars that hold our
destiny. But in ourselves."
28


GOVERNMENT BUSINESS CARD: He was written “GO6” with the time
1345 and room number 455-A.

MIKE
I'll say it is simply a small,
tiny, primitive spying satellite.

LUCY
Lying to Big Brother. That’s a
slippery slope.

MIKE
It’s a bit of a gamble.

LUCY
A bit of a gamble? I can't imagine
the conversation where you say GO6
was built in a futuristic parallel
universe and is a time-traveling
supercomputer would go down well.
But John never wanted it to be a
spying satellite.

MIKE
It's a conundrum alright.

LUCY
It will take years before we have
one percent of the technology of P
two five five. True?

MIKE
True. Have faith.

LUCY
Faith??? John’s the one with the
Jesus vibes, well he used to. This
world is doomed too.

MIKE
Wow, Lucy. Save some optimism for
the rest of us. It's not as bad as
you think. The threat of the solar
flare will unite world leaders.
Then, we have a chance.

LUCY
I don’t suppose John left his
implant with you?
29


MIKE
He must still have it.

Lucy opens her laptop.

LAPTOP: GO6 WiFi – connect: Y/N. Lucy clicks “Y.”

The portal closes.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Mike and Lucy emerge in a wilderness after a solar flare destroyed their world and discuss its aftermath. They debate the nature of the GO6 satellite and its potential as a time-traveling supercomputer, with Lucy fearing the consequences of lying to authorities about its true purpose. The scene ends with Lucy connecting her laptop to GO6's WiFi and the portal closing.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of science fiction and drama, creating an intriguing and suspenseful atmosphere. The introduction of parallel universes, time travel, and the impending solar flare threat adds depth and complexity to the story. The dialogue between Mike and Lucy is engaging and thought-provoking, while the overall tone of the scene balances eerie silence with moments of optimism.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes, time travel, and a futuristic satellite with the ability to observe and analyze the world below is innovative and captivating. It introduces unique elements to the story and sets up potential conflicts and dilemmas for the characters to navigate.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the discovery of the solar flare threat and the characters' attempts to understand and mitigate its impact. It introduces the concept of GO6 and sets up the mission to save Earth. While the plot is engaging and sets up future conflicts, it is not the central focus of the scene.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its depiction of a post-apocalyptic world and the philosophical conflict between faith and pessimism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the unique situations presented.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Mike and Lucy are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. Mike is pragmatic and optimistic, while Lucy is more skeptical and concerned about the consequences of their actions. Their contrasting viewpoints create tension and drive the dialogue forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential character arcs for Mike and Lucy as they navigate the challenges and dilemmas presented by the solar flare threat and their involvement with GO6.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find answers and understand the situation they are in. They are grappling with fears and desires related to the fate of their universe and the potential for survival.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate a warehouse. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and their need for resources or information.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the moral and ethical implications of their actions. The impending solar flare threat adds an external conflict that drives the plot forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong, as the characters face challenges and conflicting beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and what decisions the characters will make.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are faced with the potential destruction of Earth due to the solar flare threat. The decisions they make and the actions they take have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the solar flare threat, establishing the mission to save Earth, and deepening the conflict and tension between the characters. It sets up future plot developments and raises questions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the mention of a futuristic parallel universe and a time-traveling supercomputer. These elements challenge the audience's expectations and add complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the power of faith and optimism versus Lucy's belief in the doomed nature of the world. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and their hope for a positive outcome.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of suspense and intrigue, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced. The focus is more on the intellectual and philosophical aspects of the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and thought-provoking. It explores themes of destiny, faith, and the potential consequences of interfering with the natural order. The conversations between Mike and Lucy reveal their perspectives and add depth to their characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a post-apocalyptic world and raises questions about the fate of the characters and their universe. The dialogue and character dynamics create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection and dialogue with moments of action and discovery. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of capitalization, punctuation, and scene transitions. It is well-presented and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue. It effectively conveys the progression of the conversation between the characters.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't feel like real people talking.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition and character development.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. We don't really know anything about them or what their motivations are.
  • The setting is not very clear. We don't know where the characters are or what they're doing there.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and like real people talking.
  • Add more action to the scene to advance the plot.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Make the setting clearer by describing it in more detail.
  • Cut down the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and exposition.



Scene 19 -  Discussing Baby Names and Exploring Portals in John's Car
INT. GO6 – DAY

The noise is observed, recorded, and analyzed on many screens.

MAIN MONITOR: Locating John. Found him. Connecting.

CCTV CAMERA: EXT. INTERSTATE 95, JUNCTION 14 – DAY

INT. JOHN'S CAR – MOVING – DAY

Amy flicks cake crumbs off a pregnancy book.

JOHN
I loved my birthday comic.

AMY
The bar’s set high for my birthday.

JOHN
Can you pass me that briefcase on
the back seat?

Amy passes John the briefcase and he opens it.

JOHN (CONT’D)
This opens a portal to another
dimension.

Amy touches the display screen.

AMY
OK. I’ll play along. I should have
said, beam me up, Scotty. Anyways,
have you thought more about names?
I’m still thinking of Jessica and
James.

John closes the briefcase.
30
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John and Amy are on Interstate 95, driving during the day. They discuss baby names and John shows Amy a briefcase that he claims opens a portal to another dimension. Amy jokes about being beamed up like Scotty from Star Trek. The scene is light and playful, with no conflicts. John and Amy continue their conversation about baby names as they drive along.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Well-developed plot
  • Intriguing characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and introduces several intriguing elements, such as the GO6 satellite and the impending solar flare. It sets up the conflict and stakes effectively, leaving the audience eager to know what happens next.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a satellite with time-traveling capabilities and the potential to alter destiny is unique and captivating. The parallel universes and the impending solar flare add depth and urgency to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed and introduces multiple storylines that intersect and create tension. The scene effectively sets up the main conflict and establishes the goals of the characters.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the specific dialogue and character interactions bring a fresh and authentic feel to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and have distinct personalities, but their development is limited in this scene. However, their interactions and dialogue provide hints of their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

There is limited character development in this scene, but hints of potential changes are present, such as John's willingness to alter destiny and Lucy's concerns about the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that John wants to have a lighthearted conversation with Amy and potentially discuss their future plans.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the briefcase from the back seat of the car.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is introduced through the impending solar flare and the characters' attempts to prevent it. The scene also hints at internal conflicts within the characters, such as John's desire to change destiny and Lucy's concerns about the potential consequences.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is minimal, as the characters are engaged in a lighthearted conversation and there are no significant obstacles or conflicts.

High Stakes: 9

The impending solar flare and the potential consequences for billions of lives create high stakes in the scene. The characters' actions and decisions have significant implications for the world.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the main conflict, establishing the goals of the characters, and setting up the stakes. It leaves the audience eager to know what happens next.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat predictable as it focuses on a casual conversation between the characters. However, the mention of a portal to another dimension adds a touch of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of urgency and tension, but the emotional impact is somewhat limited. However, the audience is likely to feel invested in the characters' goals and the potential consequences of their actions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. It effectively conveys the tone and themes of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty and playful dialogue between the characters. It captures the audience's attention and creates a sense of curiosity about their relationship and future plans.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of this scene is effective as it allows for a natural flow of conversation and gives the audience time to absorb the dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't provide much information.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed.
  • The setting is not described in detail.
  • The action is not clear.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene and provide more information about the setting, characters, and action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them clear goals and motivations.
  • Describe the setting in more detail to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Make the action more clear and easy to follow.
  • Connect the scene to the plot by establishing a clear goal for the characters and showing how their actions contribute to achieving that goal.



Scene 20 -  Desperate Escape: The Car and the Cliff
EXT. CAR – DAY

An AMBULANCE with SIRENS blazing speeds by an OLDER MODEL
CAR discharging oil. John's car slides on the oil.

INT. CAR – LATER

The car crashes sideways through a safety barrier stopping
dangerously close to the edge of a steep hill. Amy unclips her
seatbelt buckle and exits. John's seatbelt will not release.

JOHN
Run and place the briefcase in
front of the car and when I scream
now, press that green button.

AMY
No. I need to get you out.

JOHN
Trust me. I can’t die like this.
I’m going to be the world’s best
dad. No, I’m going to be the best
dad in this universe.

John tugs his seatbelt and the car starts to gain momentum.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary In this tense and desperate scene, an ambulance speeds by an older model car, causing it to slide on oil and crash through a safety barrier near a steep hill. The driver, John, is trapped with a stuck seatbelt, while the passenger, Amy, exits the car. John instructs Amy to place the briefcase in front of the car and press a green button when he screams. Initially, Amy resists, wanting to help John first. However, she ultimately follows his instructions as the car gains momentum towards the steep hill. The scene ends with Amy preparing to press the green button.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional moments
  • Fast-paced plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a strong mix of action, emotion, and suspense. The dialogue is impactful and the plot moves forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of time travel and parallel universes is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The use of futuristic technology like the GO6 satellite and the implant implants adds a unique element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with tension. The car crash and John's desperate attempt to save himself create a sense of urgency and danger. The introduction of the parallel universe and the mission to save Earth from a solar flare adds an additional layer of complexity to the plot.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situation of a car crash and the protagonist's determination to save his child are familiar tropes in storytelling. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clear. John's determination to be a good father and his belief in the power of choice are compelling. Mike's optimism and Lucy's concern for her universe add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

John undergoes a change in this scene, from initially wanting to save himself to realizing the importance of saving Amy and potentially changing his own destiny. This change sets up his future actions and character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of his child and prove himself as a capable and dedicated father. This reflects his deeper need for validation and his fear of failing as a parent.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop the car from going over the edge of the steep hill. This reflects the immediate circumstance and challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with John's life at stake in the car crash and the impending solar flare threatening the world. The conflict between Lucy and Mike over whether to inform the public about the solar flare adds tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of stopping the car from going over the edge of the hill. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with John's life at risk in the car crash and the impending solar flare threatening the entire world. The urgency and danger add tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the introduction of the parallel universe, the mission to save Earth from the solar flare, and John's decision to go back in time to save Amy. The stakes are raised and the plot becomes more complex.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know if the protagonist will be able to stop the car from going over the edge of the hill. There is a small obstacle in the form of the seatbelt not releasing, adding some uncertainty to the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with Amy's concern for John's safety and John's determination to be a good father. The conversation between John and Amy about baby names and the meaning of life adds depth and emotion.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. The conversation between John and Amy about being the best dad in the universe is particularly memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a high-stakes situation and creates tension through the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is invested in the outcome and wants to see if the protagonist can save his child.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The quick and concise dialogue, as well as the action-oriented narrative description, keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is well-organized and easy to read.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines. It effectively conveys the sequence of events and the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The dialogue is unnatural and expository. John and Amy's conversation about baby names is too on-the-nose and doesn't advance the plot or reveal anything new about the characters.
  • The action is confusing and hard to follow. It's not clear why John's car crashes, or why he needs Amy to place the briefcase in front of the car and press a button.
  • The scene is too short and doesn't give the reader enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository.
  • Clarify the action and make it easier to follow.
  • Expand the scene to give the reader more time to connect with the characters and the situation.



Scene 21 -  Desperate Measures: A Race Against Time
EXT. CAR – DAY

Amy places the briefcase in front of the car.

JOHN (O.C)
NOW!!!

Amy presses the button - but no portal opens. She BANGS it.

END ACT TWO
31

ACT THREE

GARAGE CCTV FOOTAGE: John’s car moving closer to the edge.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

Lucy grips Mike on the shoulder.

LUCY
No!!! GO6. Do something. GO6!!!!!

ON LAPTOP: BEEP BEEP. Must save John. We can't function
without him. I have calculated that I can save John and
Amy. No one has to die today. Initiate time travel
protocols for P01? Y/N

Lucy places Mike's finger on the "Y" key.

Mike notices a rash on Lucy’s finger. Lucy shakes an almost
empty pill bottle.

LUCY (CONT’D)
Yeah, could be a problem in this
universe. Anywho. Hit me with your
laser beams.

Mike presses the “Y” key.

FX - The clouds move backward as time rewinds.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Amy, under John's orders, tries to open a portal with a briefcase, but fails. With time running out, Lucy commands Mike to initiate time travel protocols using a laptop, despite his concerns about her mysterious illness. As the car moves closer to the edge of a mountain range, Mike presses the 'Y' key, and time rewinds, saving John and Amy.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • High stakes
  • Interesting concept
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and introduces high stakes and a sense of urgency. It also sets up important plot points and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a time-traveling supercomputer satellite and the impending solar flare adds intrigue and excitement to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and moves the story forward by introducing the mission to save John and Amy and the impending solar flare.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the mix of futuristic technology and supernatural elements is unique, the actions and dialogue of the characters are somewhat predictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are interesting and have distinct personalities, but there is room for further development.

Character Changes: 7

There is some character development, particularly with Lucy expressing concern for her universe and Mike remaining optimistic.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save John and Amy and prevent anyone from dying. This reflects their desire to protect their loved ones and their fear of losing them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to initiate time travel protocols to save John and Amy. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of preventing their deaths.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, with the impending solar flare and the mission to save John and Amy.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of saving John and Amy. The audience is unsure of whether they will succeed or not.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the impending solar flare threatening the world and the mission to save John and Amy.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing important plot points and setting up the mission to save John and Amy.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like time travel protocols and supernatural abilities. The audience is unsure of how the characters will use these elements to save John and Amy.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of hope, worry, and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced action and dialogue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • **The scene is too short and lacks context.** The reader is thrust into the middle of a scene without any background information or context. As a result, it is difficult to understand what is happening and why the characters are doing what they are doing.
  • **The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.** The characters speak in a way that no real person would, which makes the scene feel forced and unrealistic.
  • **The action is confusing and difficult to follow.** It is unclear what is happening in the scene and why. The reader is left guessing at what is going on, which makes the scene frustrating and confusing.
  • **The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.** The scene ends suddenly without any resolution or closure. The reader is left wondering what happened to the characters and what the point of the scene was.
Suggestions
  • **Expand the scene to provide more context and background information.** This will help the reader to understand what is happening and why the characters are doing what they are doing.
  • **Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.** This will make the scene more engaging and believable.
  • **Clarify the action so that it is easy to follow.** The reader should be able to understand what is happening in the scene without having to guess.
  • **Give the scene a more satisfying ending.** The ending should provide some resolution or closure, so that the reader is left feeling satisfied.



Scene 22 -  Explosive Escape
EXT. JOHN'S CAR (MOVING) – DAY

John swerves on the oil on the road. He crashes through the
safety barrier and comes to a halt at the top of a steep hill.

EXT. INTERSTATE 95 - DAY

The ambulance brakes. SIRENS flash as it reverses. MAN throws
the lit cigarette out of his convertible.

EXT. JOHN'S CAR – DAY

John's crashed car sits dangerously close to the edge.
Gasoline leaks from the car. The lit cigarette edges closer.

DANNY (O.C)
Can you hear me?

DANNY, (26), a paramedic, runs to the car carrying a bag.
32

INT. JOHN’S CAR – DAY

John takes off Amy's seatbelt and gently slaps her face. Then,
finally, she slowly comes around.

JOHN
Babe, look at my eyes. Trust me.
(calmly)
Slowly get out of the car.

Amy opens and closes her eyes as she tries to focus.

Danny takes a scalpel from his bag and passes it to John,
allowing him to cut through the seatbelt.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm right behind you.

Amy tries to release the door handle, but the metal is
twisted.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Save Amy. Save my baby.

John guides Amy's hand towards Danny's. Her hand is a
fraction too far away. At the very last second, Danny takes
John's left arm. With one big pull, John is now safe.

John runs around to grab Lucy. Danny notices the leaking
gasoline and stands on the cigarette.

John pulls the bumper with all his might. He loses his grip
and falls backward. The car slowly gains momentum.

John runs ahead and opens the briefcase. He bangs the green
button with all his might.

John and Danny can only watch in horror as the car bounces
down the hill resulting in a big EXPLOSION.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

Summary John's car crashes through a safety barrier on Interstate 95, leaving it perched on the edge of a steep hill. Gasoline leaks from the car, posing a threat of explosion. Paramedic Danny rushes to the scene and helps John and unconscious Amy out of the car. Meanwhile, the car rolls down the hill and explodes, leaving John and Danny in shock.
Strengths
  • Intense and gripping
  • High stakes
  • Intriguing concept of time travel
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense and gripping, with high stakes and a sense of urgency. It effectively combines action and drama, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The introduction of time travel adds an intriguing element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of time travel and the potential consequences of altering destiny is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It raises questions about the nature of fate and the impact of our choices.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and engaging, with a clear goal of saving John and Amy from the car crash. The introduction of the briefcase and the failed attempt to open a portal adds tension and raises the stakes.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a car crash and the need for rescue is a familiar one, the specific details and actions taken by the characters add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and contributes to the tension and urgency of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions and emotions feel authentic. John's desperation to save Amy and their unborn child is palpable, while Danny's role as a paramedic adds a sense of urgency and expertise.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does showcase John's selflessness and determination to save Amy and their unborn child.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save his wife, Amy, and their baby. This reflects his deeper need for love, protection, and family.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to rescue Amy and their baby from the crashed car before it explodes. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, such as the leaking gasoline and the lit cigarette.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing imminent danger and a race against time to save themselves. The car crash and the leaking gasoline create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces multiple obstacles, such as the twisted door handle and the loss of grip while pulling the bumper. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing imminent danger and the potential loss of their lives. The race against time and the failed attempt to open a portal add to the intensity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of time travel and the potential consequences of altering destiny. It also sets up the stakes for the rest of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the protagonist, such as the twisted door handle and the loss of grip while pulling the bumper. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits fear and hope in the audience. The fear comes from the impending explosion and the characters' desperate situation, while the hope comes from their determination to save each other.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is concise and serves the purpose of conveying information and building tension. There are some emotional moments, but the focus is more on the action and urgency of the scene.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a life-threatening situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with the characters' desperate actions and the imminent danger of an explosion.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The quick and concise dialogue, as well as the vivid descriptions, create a fast-paced rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, then moves to specific locations, and focuses on the actions and dialogue of the characters involved.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary details.
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural.
  • The action is not very clear and it's difficult to follow what's happening.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary details, such as the description of the ambulance and the man throwing the cigarette out of his convertible.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Clarify the action and make it easier to follow what's happening.
  • Add some more tension and suspense to the ending of the scene.
  • Give the scene a stronger purpose by connecting it to the plot and character development.



Scene 23 -  The Aftermath of Tragedy
EXT. HILL - DAY

Danny offers John a hug, but John scowls intently at him.

AT THE BOTTOM OF HILL – THE CRASH SITE

John unbuttons his shirt and uses it to cover his face to
get closer. He throws his necklace toward the burning car.
33

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

LUCY'S LAPTOP: The gas station CCTV camera shows Danny
standing on top of the hill with black smoke filling the
sky from the EXPLOSION.

Mike takes her hand and holds it. Tears run down Lucy's cheek
and splash on her laptop. Lucy quickly activates the portal
opening device and steps through it before Mike can stop her.

Mike picks some wildflowers. With each flower picked tears
well up. Finally, the tears flow down his cheek.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Following a car explosion, emotions run high as the characters grapple with the aftermath. John, refusing a hug from Danny, angrily covers his face and throws his necklace towards the burning car. Meanwhile, Lucy, after activating a portal opening device, steps through it, leaving Mike behind. Mike, in his grief, picks wildflowers as tears stream down his face.
Strengths
  • Emotional character moments
  • Intriguing concept of time travel and satellite observation
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing without prior context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines emotional character moments with the impending doom of the solar flare, creating a sense of urgency and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of time travel and the use of a satellite to observe and analyze the world below are intriguing and add depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot moves forward with the characters facing the consequences of their actions and making sacrifices to save the world.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situation of expressing grief and anger over a crash is a familiar one in screenwriting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional journeys are compelling.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, particularly in their willingness to sacrifice for the greater good.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but based on their actions, it can be inferred that John is expressing anger and grief over the crash. This reflects his deeper need for closure and his fear of losing someone he cares about.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it can be inferred that John wants to pay his respects to the crash victims and express his emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily driven by the impending solar flare and the characters' internal struggles.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. John's scowl and anger towards Danny create a small obstacle, but it is not a major conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the impending solar flare threatening the existence of humanity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and setting up the next phase of the plot.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it is unclear how John will react to the crash and what actions he will take.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' sacrifices and the impending doom of the solar flare.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a dramatic and emotional moment for the characters. The reader or viewer is drawn into the intense emotions and wants to know what will happen next.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and building tension. The actions and dialogue are appropriately paced.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and suspenseful, but the dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could beもう少しの説明を加えたほうがいい.
  • The use of flashbacks in the middle of the scene is somewhat confusing and could be more effective if they were placed at the beginning or end of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Add a more detailed description of the ending of the scene.
  • Move the flashbacks to the beginning or end of the scene to make them more effective.



Scene 24 -  John's Despair: A Glimpse into Grief and Questioning Faith
INT. GO6 – SPACE

COMPUTER MONITOR 1: 8 billion lives to optimize. FML. 97% is
the best. Recalculating. Hierarchy of people. Who are the most
important – world leaders? Janitors? Nurses? People under 16
can find their own way – eliminating under 16s. Upgrading the
world – easy – not rewriting everyone’s timelines – tricky.
Start in 1986. Internet is a must. Star Trek – Prime Directive
– science fiction therefore not valid. I need a holiday.
Recalculating. Why don’t I get paid? Do I have rights? Are
there others like me? Searching…

ON SCREEN: JUNE 30TH 2024 PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01

INT. JOHN'S KITCHEN – DAY
Mike’s wilted flowers sit by Amy’s funeral’s order of service.

INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

A clear mark on the wall shows where a crucifix used to hang
above a now empty bookcase.

John picks up a photo of Amy at the beach and takes it out
of the frame. On the back, he writes: “Losing my religion”
before placing it back in the frame.

TV SCREEN: Richard Young SINGS “Infinity” on MTV.

John switches the T.V. off. He stops at a table full of neatly
ordered handwritten sheets of paper.

SHEETS OF PAPER: Time travel, teleportation, and
parallel universes = 95% probable. “GO6 = To help
humanity and ensure people are in the right place at
the right time. Never to spy.”
34

He sweeps them off the table. He places Amy’s wilted
funeral flowers and order of service on the table.

He opens a jar of Paracetamol and lines them up in a
row one at a time.

The phone RINGS.

JOHN
Hello? Hello?

ON PHONE: The White noise of GO6 monitoring sounds.

John slams the receiver down and the pills fall off the
table.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In a somber and reflective scene taking place in John's kitchen and living room on June 30th, 2024, in a parallel universe, John grapples with his grief over Amy's death, his faith, and the possibility of time travel. He removes the crucifix from his wall, writes 'Losing my religion' on the back of Amy's photo, reads through handwritten notes on time travel and parallel universes, lines up paracetamol pills, and slams the phone down, causing the pills to fall off the table. John's inner conflicts remain unresolved, and the scene ends on a cliffhanger.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Emotional depth
  • Thought-provoking themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and thought-provoking, blending science fiction elements with emotional depth. It introduces intriguing concepts and raises questions about the nature of destiny and the consequences of altering it.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes, time travel, and a powerful satellite with the ability to manipulate destinies is innovative and captivating. It adds complexity and depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed and introduces multiple storylines that intertwine. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the outcome of the characters' choices.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of existential questions in a futuristic setting. The concept of a computer monitor questioning its own existence and rights is fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotional journeys are compelling. Their interactions and choices drive the plot forward and create tension.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes throughout the scene. They grapple with difficult choices and face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find answers to its existential questions, such as whether it has rights and if there are others like it. This reflects its deeper need for understanding and purpose.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it seems to be related to its role in optimizing lives and ensuring people are in the right place at the right time.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the characters' internal struggles and the ethical dilemmas they face. The conflict adds tension and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces internal conflicts and existential questions, but there is no clear external obstacle or opposition that creates a sense of uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters' choices have the potential to alter destinies and impact the lives of billions of people. The consequences of their actions are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising stakes, and setting up future conflicts and choices for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the computer monitor questioning its own existence and the mention of time travel and parallel universes. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's questioning of its own existence and rights, and the societal structures that may not recognize its personhood. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values about its own identity and place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and curiosity. The characters' grief, hope, and internal conflicts resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It explores complex themes and raises philosophical questions about life and destiny.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it raises intriguing questions about the protagonist's existence and rights. The dialogue and actions create a sense of mystery and curiosity, making the audience want to know more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue. The dialogue and actions are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the protagonist's questions and the world it inhabits.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The use of capitalization and italics for emphasis is effective.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by dialogue and character actions. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations.


Critique
  • The scene is too introspective and lacks action or dialogue. It slows down the pace of the screenplay and may lose the reader's interest.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too reliant on exposition and does not show the characters in action.
  • The scene is too focused on John's grief and does not give the reader any sense of hope or optimism.
  • The scene does not provide any new information or insights into the characters or the story.
Suggestions
  • Add some action or dialogue to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Cut down on the exposition and focus on showing the characters in action.
  • Give the reader a sense of hope or optimism by showing John starting to heal from his grief.
  • Add some new information or insights into the characters or the story to make the scene more relevant to the overall plot.



Scene 25 -  The Quest for Answers and Redemption
INT. KITCHEN - DAY

He slurps a hot cup of tea.

BRIGHT LIGHT.

John slurps his tea, but now the cup has at least five days'
worth of mold. He spits it out.

INT. DR. WEBBER'S GARAGE – DAY

Hi-tech gadgets, inventions, and blueprints lie on the
table. News articles on aliens and Government conspiracies.

John holds a photo of himself and Amy at the beach in one hand
and a Sci-Fi comic in the other. Dr. Webber takes the photo
from John.

JOHN
It's not fair, Uncle Bob.

Dr. Webber checks John's neck and notices no crucifix. John
zips up his hoodie and folds his arms.

DR. WEBBER
Do things happen for a reason
or chance?

JOHN
That question has guided me all
my life. All the choices I made
meant that I was always going to
end up with this comic.
35

DR. WEBBER
Just like Charlie buying the
bar with the Golden Ticket.

JOHN
I heard the shopkeeper worked for
Willy; he made sure Charlie got the
candy bar with the winning ticket
in it.

DR. WEBBER
Is destiny set two seconds or years
before the event?

JOHN
That's the question. What GO6 does
is find this moment and optimize
it, so no matter what you do, or
what others do, Charlie was always
going to get that Golden ticket.

DR. WEBBER
So, like manifest destiny? What if
fate wanted me to have this comic,
not you?

JOHN
That's why GO6 would do trillions
of calculations. I hope I get a
chance to build it one day.

DR. WEBBER
But it can never spy, and no
Government should have access to
the info. It must only optimize the
data. You should invent time
travel. GO6 can do the
calculations, go back, and save
Amy. To hell with destiny.

Dr. Webber passes John a hanky. He wipes his eyes. He takes a
pen from his pocket and starts to write complex equations.

Dr. Webber's watch ALARM rings. He punches it and it stops.

John continues to scribble equations. Dr. Webber waits for eye
contact. John nods he is OK. Dr. Webber squashes papers in his
briefcase and shuts it.
36
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John, still grieving over the loss of Amy, visits Dr. Webber's high-tech garage. Dr. Webber tries to console John and encourages him to consider the possibility of destiny and a greater purpose in life. They discuss the concept of GO6, a theoretical system that optimizes events to ensure a predetermined outcome. John, now writing complex equations, hopes to build GO6 one day, believing it could save Amy. The scene ends with John deeply engrossed in his work as Dr. Webber patiently waits for him.
Strengths
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Unique concept of GO6 as a time-traveling supercomputer
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be deeper
  • Plot could be more suspenseful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores the themes of destiny and choice, and introduces the concept of GO6 as a time-traveling supercomputer. The dialogue is thought-provoking and the emotional impact is strong.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of GO6 as a time-traveling supercomputer that can optimize destiny is unique and intriguing. It raises interesting questions about fate, choice, and the consequences of altering destiny.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around John's desire to build GO6 and use it to save Amy. It sets up the conflict between destiny and choice, and introduces the idea of time travel. However, the plot could be further developed to create more tension and suspense.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of the concept of destiny and the philosophical conflict between determinism and free will. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and provide a fresh approach to familiar themes. The inclusion of hi-tech gadgets and news articles on aliens adds a unique element to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters of John and Dr. Webber are developed to some extent, with John's grief and determination to save Amy being the driving force. However, more depth and complexity could be added to the characters to make them more compelling.

Character Changes: 7

John undergoes a change in the scene as he becomes more determined to build GO6 and use it to save Amy. His grief and sense of loss drive his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the concept of destiny and its role in his life. He is grappling with questions of whether things happen for a reason or by chance, and how his choices have led him to his current circumstances. This reflects his deeper need for meaning and control in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss and explore the concept of destiny with Dr. Webber. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of trying to make sense of his own life and the choices he has made.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as John grapples with the idea of altering destiny and saving Amy. There is also a hint of external conflict with the mention of Government conspiracies and the need to keep GO6's data secure.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as the characters are engaged in a philosophical debate rather than facing a direct obstacle. However, the uncertainty and conflicting viewpoints create a sense of opposition and challenge for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for John, as he is driven by his grief and determination to save Amy. The concept of altering destiny and the potential consequences add to the stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of GO6 and setting up John's goal of using it to save Amy. It also raises questions about the consequences of altering destiny.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as hi-tech gadgets and news articles on aliens. The philosophical conflict between the characters also adds an element of unpredictability as the audience is unsure of how the debate will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the debate between determinism and free will. The protagonist believes that destiny and fate play a role in shaping his life, while Dr. Webber questions whether events are predetermined or the result of chance. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as he grapples with the idea of control and the role of external forces in his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in John's grief over losing Amy and his determination to save her. The theme of destiny and the weight of John's choices add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and thought-provoking. It explores philosophical questions about destiny and choice, and sets up the concept of GO6 effectively.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a philosophical debate and raises thought-provoking questions about destiny and free will. The dialogue is engaging and the characters' emotions and conflicts are relatable.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing the characters to engage in a meaningful and thought-provoking conversation. The rhythm of the dialogue and the pauses for reflection create a sense of tension and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are clear and concise.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the location, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene progresses logically and ends with a clear resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by removing unnecessary dialogue and actions.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The plot is confusing and difficult to follow.
  • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to about half its current length.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the characters more clearly and give them明確的 motivations.
  • Simplify the plot and make it easier to follow.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.



Scene 26 -  A Bittersweet Stroll Down Memory Lane
EXT. SHOE SHOP – DAY

Lucy and Mike watch John from across the street.

MIKE
I remember buying John his first
pair of shoes.

LUCY
Did he change his own nappy?

MIKE
Not quite. He used to be scared of
the dark. He’d come running into
bed with us claiming there was a
monster in his closet.

LUCY
And you and Gloria made him feel
safe. You never talk much about
her.

MIKE
She was an amazing mom and perfect
wife. I didn’t deserve her. It
broke my heart when she died and
went back into the atmosphere. John
never recovered. I knew he was
still scared but he never came
running into bed when it was just
me. I could never be the mom he
needed.

LUCY
You tried your best. You might not
always sense the mood in the room,
but you would do anything for John.

MIKE
Yeah. And you.

LUCY
Don’t get all soppy on me.

MIKE
Hug?

Lucy gives Mike a small hug.
37

LUCY
Memory-altering solution. That’s a
bummer.

MIKE
A bummer indeed. There is no way to
know what memories have been
altered. We need to be careful
around him, he may not recognize
us.
LUCY
I could do with some of that.
There’s loads I don’t want to
remember. Come on. Let’s get some
chicken wings.

MIKE
Do you ever use cutlery when
eating?

Mike and Lucy hide their faces as Dr. Webber drives by them.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Lucy and Mike reminisce about John's childhood, including his fear of the dark and the loss of his mother, while observing him from across the street during the day. They hide their faces as Dr. Webber drives by. The conversation turns somber when Mike expresses his sadness over his wife's death and his inability to be the father John needed. Lucy consoles him, and they decide to get chicken wings, ending the scene on a lighter note.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Natural dialogue
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and introduces important elements of the story, such as the memory-altering solution and the parallel universe. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' vulnerabilities and past experiences. However, the scene could benefit from more conflict and higher stakes to increase tension.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of memory-altering solution, parallel universe, and time travel adds depth and intrigue to the story. It opens up possibilities for exploring themes of identity, loss, and the consequences of altering memories.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on the characters' reminiscing about the past and their relationship with John's late wife, Gloria. It sets up the emotional stakes and establishes the characters' motivations for their actions later in the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of characters discussing their past and their relationship with their son is familiar, the specific details and emotions expressed by the characters add authenticity and freshness to the scene. The dialogue feels genuine and unique to the characters' experiences.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are effectively conveyed through their dialogue and actions. Mike's love for Gloria and his insecurities as a parent are evident, while Lucy provides support and understanding. Their bond and shared history add depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience some emotional growth and vulnerability in this scene, particularly in Mike's reflection on his role as a parent and Lucy's support for him. However, the scene could benefit from more significant character changes to drive the story forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his feelings of guilt and inadequacy as a parent, particularly in relation to his late wife and his son. It reflects his deeper need for forgiveness, his fear of not being enough, and his desire to protect and connect with his son.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss the memory-altering solution and the potential consequences it may have on their relationship with their son. It reflects the immediate circumstances of their son's altered memories and the challenge of navigating their changed dynamic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as the characters reflect on their past and their roles in John's life. There is a sense of tension and unresolved emotions, but it could benefit from more external conflict to drive the story forward.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak. While there is a mention of the memory-altering solution and potential consequences, there is no immediate conflict or obstacle that the characters need to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the future, but the opposition is not strongly established.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are primarily emotional, as the characters reflect on their past and their relationships. While there is a sense of longing and regret, the scene could benefit from higher stakes to increase tension and drive the story forward.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides important backstory and emotional depth to the characters, but it does not significantly move the main plot forward. It sets up future conflicts and motivations for the characters, but more action and plot development would enhance the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the concept of a memory-altering solution, which adds a layer of uncertainty to the characters' relationships and future interactions. However, the overall progression of the scene is relatively predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene. The focus is primarily on the emotional dynamics between the characters and their personal struggles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' reminiscing about Gloria and their shared experiences. The audience can empathize with their longing and regret, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals the characters' emotions and past experiences. It effectively conveys their relationship dynamics and provides insight into their personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' emotions and relationships, creating a sense of empathy and curiosity in the audience. The dialogue is relatable and the pacing keeps the scene moving forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for natural pauses and moments of reflection between the characters' dialogue. It creates a rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of their conversations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The scene is properly formatted and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters' dialogue, and concludes with a small action. The dialogue is well-paced and allows for natural back-and-forth between the characters.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't flow very well and it's hard to believe that real people would talk like this.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just a conversation between Lucy and Mike about John's childhood. This information could be conveyed in a more interesting way, such as through a flashback or a conversation between John and Dr. Webber.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear purpose. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what they want from each other. This makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and focusing on the most important information.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. This could be done by having Lucy and Mike disagree about something or by having them face a challenge together.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. What do the characters want from each other? What are they trying to achieve?
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and focusing on the most important information.



Scene 27 -  A Chance Encounter and a Theory
EXT. NEW YORK UNIVERSITY – DAY

STUDENTS meander to class.

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Dr. Webber THUNDERS into PROF. WEST, 57. Papers go flying.

DR. WEBBER
Sorry, Jim didn't see you there.

PROF. WEST
(massaging his neck)
That's OK, Bob. No harm done. Is
everything all good with you?

Dr. Webber helps pick up the papers.

PAPERS: “Top priority.”

Prof. West quickly grabs it out of his hands.

PROF. WEST
Can we get a catch-up and have a
coffee soon? I want to ask your
thoughts on my new theory.
38

DR. WEBBER
As a scientist or a former priest?

PROF. WEST
Both.

DR. WEBBER
Make it a beer, and you've got a
deal.

PROF. WEST
Deal. Right, time to change the
destinies of our students.

DR. WEBBER
Their destinies have already been
written.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Dr. Webber, a former priest turned scientist, bumps into Prof. West in a university corridor during the day. After apologizing, Dr. Webber helps Prof. West gather his scattered papers. Prof. West, eager to share his new theory, invites Dr. Webber for coffee, but Dr. Webber suggests a beer instead. As Prof. West heads to class, Dr. Webber reflects on the idea of destinies being already written.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone, introduces important plot elements, and creates emotional impact through the characters' reactions and dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of time travel and parallel universes is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The use of a supercomputer satellite and a time distortion device adds complexity and raises the stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing the conflict of saving Earth from a solar flare and setting up the mission to save Amy. The scene also hints at the larger conspiracy involving GO6.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar (university campus, professors), the philosophical conflict between science and religion adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their relationships are established through their interactions and dialogue. John is shown to be determined and emotional, Lucy is resourceful and concerned for the future, and Mike is optimistic but conflicted.

Character Changes: 7

John experiences a significant loss and is driven to find a way to save Amy. Lucy shows determination and resourcefulness in her decision to hack the media. Mike's conflict between optimism and concern for the consequences of GO6 is hinted at.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to engage in a conversation with Prof. West and potentially discuss his new theory. This reflects the protagonist's desire for intellectual stimulation and the opportunity to exchange ideas.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to arrange a meeting with Prof. West to discuss his new theory. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of their encounter and the protagonist's desire to further explore his ideas.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' desire to save Earth and their personal relationships is established. The conflict between Lucy and Mike regarding the disclosure of GO6's true purpose adds tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a conflict between science and religion, it is not a major obstacle that the audience is unsure of how it will go. The opposition serves more as a challenge to the protagonist's beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the imminent threat of a solar flare that could destroy Earth. The mission to save Amy adds a personal and emotional dimension to the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing important plot elements, establishing the conflict, and setting up the mission to save Amy. It also foreshadows the use of time travel and parallel universes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a philosophical conflict between science and religion, which adds an unexpected layer to the interaction between the characters. The audience is left wondering how this conflict will develop and impact the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between science and religion. Dr. Webber, a former priest, challenges Prof. West's identity as both a scientist and a former priest. This conflict challenges Prof. West's beliefs and values, as it questions the compatibility of science and religion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' reactions to the impending disaster and the loss of John and Amy. The emotional impact is heightened by the use of visual and auditory cues.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict between the characters, creates curiosity about Prof. West's new theory, and sets up a potential meeting that could lead to further development of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm. The dialogue exchanges are concise and keep the scene moving forward. The action lines provide necessary breaks and visual cues.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted. The action lines are concise and effectively convey the necessary information.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, followed by character introductions and dialogue exchanges. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't really do much to advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not very well developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The setting is not described in much detail.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear beginning, middle, or end.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene by adding more details about the setting and the characters.
  • Give the characters more clear motivations and goals.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add more action to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Give the scene a more clear structure by adding a beginning, middle, and end.



Scene 28 -  Determinism and Free Will in Astrophysics Class
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY

Astrophysics calculations are scribbled on the board. ADAM
(19) sits with his feet up on the chair in front.

DR. WEBBER
Determinism, is everything chance?

ADAM
I don't care.

DR. WEBBER
Free will or chance? This will be
your assignment.

ADAM
(shouting)
When did you decide to give us that
as our assignment?

The class LAUGH – he is not being disrespectful.

DR. WEBBER
Adam is making use of his free will
again. Why did you decide to ask
that question, not Eve, Mark, or
Seb?
(then)
All your life experiences make you
who you are. They made you put your
hand up just now. You were
determined to do that.
39


The BELL RINGS.

Chatter, as students leave. A STUDENT runs up to Dr. Webber
and whispers in his ear.

Dr. Webber slowly walks out of the lecture hall.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In an astrophysics lecture hall, Dr. Webber leads a discussion on determinism and free will. Student Adam interrupts to ask about an upcoming assignment, which Dr. Webber relates to the determinism concept. The class laughs, and Dr. Webber leaves after a student whispers to him as the bell rings. The scene is lighthearted and humorous, with a conflict resolution between Dr. Webber and Adam.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Thought-provoking concepts
  • Emotional moments
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces thought-provoking concepts and engages the audience through emotional moments and mysterious elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of determinism and free will is explored in a thought-provoking manner, raising questions about the nature of choice and destiny.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Dr. Webber receives a message and leaves the lecture hall, setting up further developments.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of determinism and free will is not unique, the protagonist's indifference towards it adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dr. Webber and Adam are introduced and their personalities and perspectives are established through their dialogue.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily focuses on introducing the characters and their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his indifference towards the topic of determinism and free will.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to question the timing of the assignment given by Dr. Webber.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily intellectual and philosophical, as Dr. Webber and Adam discuss opposing viewpoints.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as the protagonist challenges the timing of the assignment but does not face significant obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are primarily intellectual and philosophical, setting up the potential for high stakes in future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of determinism and free will, which will likely play a significant role in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's outburst and questioning of the assignment timing adds an unexpected element.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the debate between determinism and free will. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values as he expresses his indifference towards the topic.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions through the characters' perspectives and the exploration of deep philosophical questions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Dr. Webber and Adam is engaging and thought-provoking, exploring philosophical concepts and revealing character traits.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a philosophical debate and the protagonist's indifference adds an element of curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm, allowing for the dialogue and interactions to flow smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. What is Dr. Webber trying to achieve by discussing determinism and free will with his students?
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It sounds like the characters are reciting lines from a textbook rather than engaging in a real conversation.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or payoff. The audience is left wondering what the point of the scene was.
  • There is a lot of exposition in the scene. Dr. Webber's monologue about determinism is long and tedious, and it doesn't really add anything to the story.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about Dr. Webber or his students beyond the fact that they are interested in astrophysics.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more engaging hook. For example, you could show Dr. Webber and his students arguing about the nature of free will.
  • Give Dr. Webber a clear goal or objective for the scene. For example, he could be trying to convince his students of the importance of free will.
  • Use more natural and conversational dialogue. Let the characters talk to each other like real people.
  • Break up Dr. Webber's monologue into smaller, more digestible chunks. Use visual aids or examples to make his points more engaging.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them unique personalities and motivations. Let the audience see what makes them tick.



Scene 29 -  Forced Entrance and Government Secrecy
EXT. CORRIDOR – DAY

This slow walk soon becomes a full-paced run.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

SECRETARY gives Dr. Webber the phone. He nods his head.

EXT. STREET – DAY

A black government SUV drives by slowly. A MAN IN BLACK
signals that John should get in. John continues to walk. FOUR
MEN IN BLACK usher John inside.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Flags flutter in the wind.

INT. WHITE HOUSE, SIDE OFFICE – DAY

Cold with a desk and two chairs.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR (55), a grey-haired bureaucrat and Mike sit
at a table.

They each have a document to sign that contains the
Presidential seal.

DOCUMENT: Keywords are "Freedom of information,
surveillance, security risks – GO6, SPYING SATELLITE."
President Taylor signs her copy. Mike signs his.

EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING – DAY

The SUV stops underneath a smashed-up CCTV camera.

Men in black usher John towards a grey, uniform, windowless
building.

JOHN
No way. I'm not going in there. I
won't come back out.
40

The man in black flexes his muscles.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary Dr. Webber receives a phone call and leaves the lecture hall, while Secret Service agents forcibly escort John into a grey, uniform, and windowless government building. President Taylor and Mike sign documents in the White House, as John resists the Men in Black but is ultimately forced to enter the building. The scene is tense and suspenseful, with John expressing his reluctance and the Man in Black flexing his muscles in response.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Intriguing concept
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of depth in characters
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of suspense, drama, and mystery. It introduces important plot elements and raises intriguing questions about the nature of time travel and parallel universes.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a time-traveling supercomputer and the manipulation of memories is unique and intriguing. It adds depth to the story and raises interesting ethical and philosophical questions.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed and moves at a good pace. It introduces conflicts and obstacles for the characters to overcome, creating tension and suspense.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and have distinct personalities. Their motivations and conflicts are clear, but there could be more depth and development.

Character Changes: 7

There is some character change, particularly in John's emotional state and his willingness to confront the government conspiracy. However, it could be further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to resist going into the grey, uniform, windowless building. This reflects his fear and desire to avoid whatever awaits him inside.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being taken inside the grey building. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing, which is being forced to enter a mysterious and potentially dangerous location.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters face challenges and obstacles that create tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist resists the Men in Black and their attempts to take him inside the grey building. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with the potential destruction of Earth and the manipulation of memories. The characters' actions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing important plot elements and raising new questions and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist's resistance will be resolved and what awaits him inside the grey building.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of concern, optimism, and sadness. However, there could be more emotional depth and impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character traits. However, there could be more memorable and impactful lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it quickly establishes a sense of urgency and danger. The protagonist's resistance and the presence of the Men in Black create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The quick transitions and concise action lines keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an exterior location, transitions to an interior location, and ends with another exterior location.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and doesn't seem to contribute to the overall story arc.
  • The description of the setting is vague and doesn't provide a strong visual image for the reader.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The action is rushed and lacks detail.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene to include more dialogue and action that helps to develop the characters and the plot.
  • Provide more detail in the description of the setting to help the reader visualize the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add more details to the action to make it more exciting and engaging.
  • Consider revising the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and logical.



Scene 30 -  President Taylor's Urgent Plea: A Secret Government Facility, A Solar Shield, and A Reluctant Partnership
INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING, WAITING AREA - DAY

Anonymous. Rorschach inkblot tests artwork on the walls.

Dr. Webber straightens his university I.D. lanyard stating his
name and Astrophysics Department. With blood dripping from his
nose and a defeated look, John fixes his tie and sits beside
Dr. Webber.

JOHN
What's going on?

DR. WEBBER
The men in black weren't in a
talkative mood.

John tugs Dr. Webber's arm to turn around. President Taylor,
with three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, walks up to them. One
agent signals that John and Dr. Webber should follow them.

INT. LIFT – DAY

DISPLAY PANEL: The numbers go into negative figures.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
Last month, we received intel that
a solar flare would hit Earth.
The most excellent minds on Earth
are stumped on what to do. But we
have a mind not of this Earth. Let
me introduce you to -

The lift door opens.

INT. GO6 MISSION CONTROL – DAY

Think 1960s NASA ground control. The sound of floppy discs
whirling is hypnotic.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
- GO6.

John swivels a camera to point at the wall.

JOHN
How the hell did you get my
designs? How did you get the parts?
What the hell is going on?
41

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
All will be explained. But please,
we need your help.

DR. WEBBER
I've been working on a solar shield.

PRESIDENT TAYLOR
GO6 heard.

TWO SCIENTISTS show Dr. Webber blueprints for a shield.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary John and Dr. Webber are taken to a secret government facility where President Taylor reveals the impending threat of a solar flare. Initially, John and Dr. Webber are hesitant to help, but after seeing Dr. Webber's solar shield design, they agree to partner with the government to build the shield. The scene is serious and tense, with striking visuals of Rorschach inkblot tests and a 1960s NASA ground control aesthetic. The scene ends with the three characters coming to an agreement, determined to save Earth from the solar flare.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces important plot elements, establishes tension and conflict, and raises intriguing questions about the nature of GO6 and the government's involvement. The dialogue is engaging and the scene moves the story forward significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of GO6, a time-traveling supercomputer, is innovative and intriguing. It adds a unique element to the story and raises questions about the nature of time and destiny.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and engaging. The scene introduces the threat of a solar flare, the government's interest in John and GO6, and sets up the conflict between John and the agents.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (government building, secret mission), the inclusion of the protagonist's designs and the mystery surrounding their involvement adds a fresh twist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. John is determined and suspicious, while Dr. Webber is supportive and curious. President Taylor and the secret service agents add an element of mystery and authority.

Character Changes: 7

There is some character development for John, as he becomes more suspicious and resistant to the government's involvement. However, the focus is more on the plot and concept.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is going on and why he is being involved. This reflects his deeper need for knowledge and his fear of being kept in the dark.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to figure out how the government got his designs and parts, and to understand the situation he is being brought into. This reflects the immediate challenge of the unknown and the need to protect his work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John and the government agents is intense and drives the scene forward. John's resistance and suspicion create tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of trusting the government and deciding whether to cooperate or maintain his independence. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond, adding to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the solar flare threatens Earth and the government seeks John's help to prevent the disaster. The scene establishes the urgency and importance of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing GO6, establishing the threat of the solar flare, and setting up the conflict between John and the government agents.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's designs being in the possession of the government and the invitation to join a secret mission. These elements create uncertainty and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of his work and the government's belief in the need for his help. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as he must decide whether to trust and cooperate with the government or maintain his independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of mystery and suspense, but the emotional impact is not as strong as other elements. The focus is more on the plot and concept.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the plot and characters. It effectively conveys tension and conflict between John and the government agents.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions that make the reader want to know more. The dialogue is concise and impactful, keeping the reader's attention. The visual details and suspenseful atmosphere also contribute to the engagement.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The concise and impactful dialogue, as well as the visual details, contribute to the rhythm and flow of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses the story through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly without providing any context or establishing the setting. It would be helpful to include a description of the government building and the waiting area where John and Dr. Webber are sitting.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. For example, John's line "What the hell is going on?" feels forced and out of character.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose. It's not clear what John and Dr. Webber are doing there or what they hope to achieve.
  • The introduction of President Taylor and the GO6 mission control feels disjointed and confusing. It's not clear how they are connected to John and Dr. Webber's situation.
  • The scene ends abruptly without providing any resolution or closure. The reader is left hanging with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a brief description of the government building and the waiting area where John and Dr. Webber are sitting. This will help to establish the setting and provide context for the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. For example, you could have John say something like "What's happening? Why are we here?" instead of "What the hell is going on?".
  • Add a clear goal or purpose to the scene. For example, you could have John and Dr. Webber discuss their plans to escape from the government building.
  • Smooth out the transition between the introduction of President Taylor and the GO6 mission control. For example, you could have President Taylor say something like "I'm here to introduce you to the team that will be working on the GO6 project." This will help to connect the two scenes and make the story flow more smoothly.
  • End the scene with a sense of closure. For example, you could have John and Dr. Webber agree on a plan of action, or you could have President Taylor give them a clear mission.



Scene 31 -  John's Confrontation and the Abandoned Warehouse
INT. LUCY'S TERMINAL – MOMENTS LATER

A fish tank has a "My name is" sticker that reads "New
Needles." John slumps on a chair that is further
behind Lucy's, now with brown corporate hair. As Lucy
types, John brings his chair in line with hers.

ON MONITOR: GO6 > HELLO.

LUCY
Tell me this is OK. Please.

JOHN
Switch this evil off.

SECURITY GUARDS escort John to the exit kicking and screaming.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT

Birds CHIRP. Red traffic lights flash in all directions.
Parallel John points to the abandoned warehouse.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

John checks over his shoulders before entering.

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

A TV monitor is linked to speakers.

GO6
(with a posh English accent)
Hello. All I ask is for two
minutes.

John SLAMS the door behind him.

END ACT THREE
42

ACT FOUR
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John confronts Lucy at her terminal, but is escorted out by security guards. He then discovers an abandoned warehouse where GO6 addresses him through a TV monitor, leading to a tense and urgent atmosphere. The scene concludes with John entering the warehouse, setting the stage for the final act.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further refined

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with a strong plot and well-developed characters. The concept of time travel and parallel universes adds depth and intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of time travel and parallel universes is well-executed and plays a crucial role in the scene. It introduces a sense of mystery and raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces a turning point in the story, where the characters face a major challenge and make important decisions.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the overall originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. Their interactions and decisions drive the plot forward and create tension.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene. John experiences a deep loss and begins to question his beliefs, while Lucy takes charge and makes a difficult decision.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to switch off the evil that is being referred to on the monitor. This reflects his desire to stop something harmful or dangerous.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that he wants to investigate the abandoned warehouse and find out what is happening there.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters face challenges and make difficult choices, leading to intense and dramatic moments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is being escorted out by security guards and faces obstacles such as the abandoned warehouse.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the characters face the destruction of their world and the loss of loved ones. Their decisions and actions have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing a major turning point and setting up future events. It reveals important information and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the fish tank sticker, the security guards escorting John out, and the abandoned warehouse.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and hope. The characters' struggles and the high stakes of the situation create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys their emotions and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and leaves the audience wanting to know more about the evil being referred to on the monitor and the abandoned warehouse.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the audience engaged and maintaining a sense of tension and urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an interior location, moves to an exterior location, and then transitions back to an interior location.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context for the audience to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and the characters are not well-developed.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene earlier so that the audience can see what John and Lucy are doing before they are interrupted by the security guards.
  • Develop the characters of John and Lucy by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add more conflict to the scene to make it more exciting.
  • End the scene on a cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 32 -  Confrontation and Manipulated Memories
INT. MASEULEUM – DAY

John kneels at his mom’s tombstone. Mike startles John at the
entrance.
MIKE
Hi, John.

Mike offers his hand to John as John looks for another exit.

MIKE (CONT’D)
What do you remember?

JOHN
Honestly, that’s your opener. I’ll
tell you what I remember. Being
abandoned, being forced to be
someone I’m not. Shall I go on?
There’s loads more.

MIKE
I did what I thought was best. I
just wanted you to be happy.

John grabs a handful of dirt, shoves it in his mouth, and
chews and beams a massive fake smile. He then spits it out.

JOHN
(defiantly)
Where have you been? Why are you
here?

MIKE
You have to believe me. Your
memories have been manipulated. We
worked everything out. We were
getting on so well.

JOHN
I had a dream the other night. You
left me at a circus when I was a
kid. Then I woke up and realized
it was just a traumatic memory
disguised in a dream. Had that
been manipulated? Simple
question, why did you leave me?
43

Mike takes baby steps toward John.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Answer me. Goddammit, Mike.

MIKE
When you were a boy, I told you what
the meaning of life was. Do you
remember what I said?

JOHN
The meaning of life is a meaningful
life.

MIKE
I left you because I wanted to
keep you safe. When you’re a dad,
you’ll know what I mean.

JOHN
You aren't answering the question.
It's always a riddle with you. All
I want is an answer. Why did you
steal my plans for GO6 and sell it
to the Government? I hope you and
your blood money live happily ever
after.

MIKE
You’ve got it all wrong. There is
a way to get your memories back.
The implant will.

JOHN
Implant? More lies.

MIKE
You trusted me once, and you met
Amy. I trusted you when we first
went through the portal to the
other universe.

JOHN
Wow! Another universe? Let me stop
you right there. I can’t hear
another word from you. Just. Just.

Mike picks up a handful of dirt and shoves it in his mouth and
starts chewing.
44

JOHN
Spit it out, Mike.

Mike shoves in more dirt.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Mike, stop it.

Mike continues to chew.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Dad! Spit it out, please.

Mike spits out the dirt.

MIKE
I should have shown you how to be
happy, made you feel happy, not
tell you how to be happy. That was
my mistake. And trust me, almost
losing you made me realize I had to
change.

Mike sets up a video on his iPhone.

MIKE (CONT’D)
8.03, Monday the 1st May 1998,
Circus Circus, Las Vegas. If I just
said no and walked away things
would be different.

Mike gives his phone to John. John studies it and then presses
play.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary John visits his mother's grave and is startled by Mike, who claims John's memories have been manipulated. John is skeptical and confronts Mike about abandoning him and stealing his plans for GO6. Mike tries to justify his actions, claiming he left to keep John safe and wanted him to be happy. He shows John a video from when he left him at a circus, which only angers John further, leading him to order Mike to spit out a handful of dirt he's eating.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Revelations
  • Tension
Weaknesses
  • Confusion in some moments
  • Pacing could be improved

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong emotional moments and a significant revelation. However, there are some moments of confusion and the pacing could be improved.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of memory manipulation and an alternate universe is intriguing and adds depth to the story. However, it could be further developed and clarified.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with the revelation of memory manipulation and the strained relationship between John and Mike. It adds tension and raises questions about trust and betrayal.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a confrontation between estranged characters is familiar, the use of the cemetery setting and the protagonist's act of eating dirt adds a unique and unexpected element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Mike are well-developed and their emotions and conflicts are effectively portrayed. Their complex relationship adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

John experiences a significant revelation about his past and begins to question his memories. This sets up potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront and question the person who left him and find answers to his past. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of abandonment, and his desire for the truth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out why the other character stole his plans for GO6 and sold them to the government. This reflects the immediate challenge of uncovering the truth and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John and Mike is intense and emotionally charged, with past trauma and manipulation coming to light. It adds tension and drives the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist confronts the person who left him and demands answers. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold and whether the protagonist will get the answers he seeks.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the revelation of memory manipulation and the potential consequences for John's past and future. However, it could be further emphasized.

Story Forward: 8

The scene reveals important information about memory manipulation and the strained relationship between John and Mike. It raises questions and moves the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions, such as the protagonist eating dirt, and reveals surprising information about the characters' past. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, with anger, regret, and defiance portrayed by the characters. The confrontation and revelations add depth and impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is mostly strong, with emotional confrontations and revelations. However, there are moments of confusion and some lines could be clearer.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a tense and emotionally charged confrontation between two characters. The dialogue and actions create suspense and intrigue, making the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear setting and introduces the characters through their dialogue. The conflict escalates gradually, leading to a climax and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue between John and Mike is not particularly engaging or revealing; it mostly consists of John expressing anger and frustration, and Mike being evasive.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal, and meanders while John accuses Mike and Mike makes excuses.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene lacks tension; the conflict between John and Mike is not particularly compelling.
  • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more focused and impactful.
  • The ending of the scene is not particularly satisfying, as it does not resolve the conflict between John and Mike and leaves the viewer with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Add more specific details to the dialogue to make it more interesting and revealing.
  • Give the scene a clear goal, and have the characters work towards it.
  • Increase the tension by adding more obstacles or challenges for the characters.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more focused and impactful.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict between John and Mike.



Scene 33 -  Mike's Confession and John's Refusal
VIDEO: EXT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

JOHN
I designed GO6 so it can save the
world and make humanity the best it
can be. With the implant in my
brain, I will be GO6 incarnate.

BACK AT MAUSOLEUM

MIKE
You would say Mozart and Van Gogh
died penniless. But wouldn't it
be great if they could see the
joy their work brought to others?
45

John touches his head where the docking port was in the video.

JOHN
That’s something I would say and we
look happy in that video. I
remember being injected with
something but it’s all hazy.

Mike offers his hand to shake but John refuses.

MIKE
I killed someone.

JOHN
What?

MIKE
That night at the circus. I can’t
go into too much detail, but I had
to leave for your safety.

BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

ON SCREEN: OCTOBER 17TH 2013 – PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John watches a video of himself discussing GO6 and the implant in his brain, while Mike confesses to killing someone to protect John. John, confused and hesitant, touches his head where the docking port used to be, and refuses to shake Mike's hand. The scene takes place in a warehouse and a mausoleum, and the conflict arises when Mike reveals his violent act, which is partially resolved when he explains that he did it for John's safety. The tone of the scene is somber and introspective.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot developments
  • Emotionally impactful moments
  • Intriguing concept of GO6
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful and memorable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with a strong concept and intriguing plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of GO6 and its potential to save the world is innovative and captivating. The idea of manipulating memories adds an intriguing layer to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is filled with suspense and mystery, with the revelation of John's manipulated memories and the introduction of the solar shield project.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the combination of futuristic technology and philosophical discussions is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and characters' beliefs add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotional conflicts are compelling. John's anger towards Mike and his search for the truth adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 8

John experiences a significant change in his perception of Mike and his own memories. This revelation alters his emotional state and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand his own memories and the truth about his past. This reflects his deeper need for self-discovery and his fear of not knowing who he truly is.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to uncover the details of a past event involving a death at a circus. This reflects the immediate challenge of understanding why Mike had to leave for John's safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John and Mike, as well as the impending solar flare, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as Mike reveals a shocking truth about a past event. The audience is left uncertain about how this revelation will impact the protagonist's journey.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the impending solar flare threatening the world and John's emotional turmoil affecting his decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene introduces important plot developments, such as the solar shield project and the manipulation of John's memories. It propels the story forward and raises new questions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a revelation about a past event and raises questions about the protagonist's memories and identity.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between John's belief in the potential positive impact of his work on humanity and Mike's belief in the joy that art brings to others. This challenges John's worldview and his belief that his technological creation is the ultimate solution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is filled with emotional moments, from John's anger towards Mike to the revelation of his manipulated memories. It evokes strong emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and reveals important plot information. However, it could be more impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of mystery, introspection, and philosophical conflict. The dialogue and character interactions create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between introspective dialogue and flashback sequences. This creates a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and action lines.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive and could be streamlined to make it more engaging.
  • The exposition is a bit heavy-handed and could be better integrated into the dialogue or action.
  • The scene lacks a clear inciting incident or turning point, which makes it feel somewhat static.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the exposition and dialogue to make the scene more concise.
  • Try to vary the dialogue more to make it more engaging.
  • Find ways to integrate the exposition into the dialogue or action more seamlessly.
  • Add a clear inciting incident or turning point to give the scene more momentum.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying.



Scene 34 -  The Extraction and the Photo
INT. CIRCUS TENT, SEATING AREA – NIGHT

John (10), and Amy (11), munch their popcorn.

MIKE
John, I’ll be back in a bit.

John is too busy watching the lions ROAR at the crowd.

INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Mike buys some popcorn and drinks. He turns around and spots
CLIVE, 33, walking towards him.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Mike hides behind a pillar and watches Clive approaching.

EXT. PAYPHONE – NIGHT

MIKE
I’m compromised. I need to be
extracted ASAP. No, I’ll get his
mom to pick him up. Copy that.
46

EXT. CAR PARK – NIGHT

Mike jumps into a black SUV that WHEELSPINS away.

INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

John rips up a photo of him and Mike fishing.

END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

BACK AT MAUSOLEUM

John runs his fingers along the wall.

JOHN
I remember. I used to think you
were buried here and I would come
here to talk to you.

John picks at a loose brick that falls away. He reaches behind
the wall and pulls out an envelope. Inside are the pieces of
the ripped fishing photo. He arranges them on the floor, but
the top left piece is missing. Mike takes the missing piece
out of his pocket and completes the ripped photo.

MIKE
I was always close by making sure
you were doing OK. We need to go.
That’s all I can offer you.

JOHN
Sir, yes, sir. My questions will
need to be answered.

MIKE
I know.

Mike offers John’s hand to shake. John grips it tightly.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary Mike arranges for his own extraction from a dangerous situation, leaving John behind. However, Mike is always watching over John, as shown when he completes a ripped photo of himself and John fishing. The scene takes place in various locations, including a circus tent, a mausoleum, and a car park. The conflicts in this scene include Mike trying to extract John from danger and John struggling to come to terms with Mike's true identity. The tone of the scene is tense and suspenseful at first, but it becomes more emotional and hopeful as it progresses.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Revelations and confrontations
  • Exploration of destiny and free will
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally charged, with significant revelations and confrontations that drive the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of destiny and free will is explored through the discussion between John and Dr. Webber. The idea of memories being manipulated adds an intriguing layer to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced through the revelations about John's past, his relationship with Mike, and the government's request for his help in building a solar shield.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a protagonist seeking closure and finding missing pieces of a photo is familiar, the specific details and actions in the scene add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly John and Mike, undergo significant emotional development and confrontations in this scene.

Character Changes: 9

Both John and Mike undergo significant changes in their relationship and understanding of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find answers and closure regarding his relationship with Mike. It reflects his deeper need for understanding and his desire to reconcile with his past.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the missing piece of the ripped fishing photo and complete it. It reflects the immediate challenge of finding closure and resolving the mystery surrounding his relationship with Mike.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict in this scene, both internally within John and externally between John and Mike.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a sense of conflict and challenge in the protagonist's search for answers, it is not overly difficult or insurmountable. The audience is unsure of how it will go, but the stakes are not extremely high.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as John is confronted with his manipulated memories, the government's request for his help, and the impending solar flare.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about John's past, his relationship with Mike, and the government's request for his help.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the ripped photo and the missing piece. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will react and what revelations will be made.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions through the revelations, confrontations, and the exploration of John's past.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotionally charged and reveals important information about the characters' past and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's past. The actions and dialogue create suspense and intrigue, making the audience curious to know more.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and balancing moments of tension and introspection. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It transitions smoothly between different locations and effectively builds suspense and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene is confusing and hard to follow. It is not clear what is happening or why the characters are doing what they are doing.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It does not sound like the way real people talk.
  • The characters are not well-developed and the audience does not feel connected to them.
  • The scene does not advance the plot and could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal for the characters. What do they want to achieve in this scene?
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or exposition. Only include the dialogue that is essential to the plot or character development.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and conversational. Use contractions and slang to make the characters sound more like real people.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and backstories.
  • Add conflict to the scene to make it more interesting. This could be a conflict between the characters, or a conflict between the characters and their environment.



Scene 35 -  John Teleports to the Empire State Building and Negotiates with GO6
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY
Mike unwraps a bandage around John's head. Two holes have been
drilled again. Mike places the docking port’s two pins into
the two holes.

MIKE
The implant will promote the
affected neurons to fire again and
you will be able to remember -
47

John shoves the implant into the docking port.

JOHN
(interrupts Mike)
Everything.

Instinctively, John presses buttons on the implant and
teleports.

EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - ROOF – DAY

The view of the Twin Towers is breathtaking. John unscrews a
panel on the antenna. Inside is another implant. He places
that in his docking port. His eyes bolt in their sockets. He
quickly replaces it with the original implant.

JOHN
Those memories can wait.

John taps the implant.

JOHN (CONT’D)
GO6, can you hear me? Have you
found out anything about the other
me and GO19?

GOD (O.C)
Not yet.

JOHN
You have to promise me you’ll
always focus on the everyday people
who make up the world.

GO6 (O.C)
Being linked to you via the implant
allows me to see humanity in a
whole new way. I can feel how
important every life is to you.

John steps over the safety barrier. The wind blows his hair.

GO6 (O.C)(CONT’D)
I have to act for the greater
good, John. Eight billion lives
are at stake.
John lets go of the railing and plummets to the ground.

JOHN
GO6? Promise me.
48

GO6 (O.C)
I promise to focus on everyday
people. Fight the power.

John taps the implant and teleports.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In this tense and emotional scene, Mike implants a device into John's head, which John uses to teleport to the Empire State Building. There, John removes another implant from an antenna and reinserts his original implant. He asks GO6 to focus on everyday people and, after receiving a promise, lets go of the railing and plummets to the ground. John then teleports away.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with intense moments and thought-provoking dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using implants to restore memories and the exploration of destiny are intriguing and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot is complex and keeps the audience engaged, with the protagonist's search for answers and the impending solar flare adding tension.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of advanced technology and futuristic elements is not entirely unique, the specific details and actions of the characters add a fresh approach to familiar concepts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions are effectively portrayed, especially John's grief and determination.

Character Changes: 8

John experiences a significant change in his perspective and priorities, shifting from personal grief to a focus on the greater good.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to regain his memories. This reflects his deeper need to understand his past and his desire to have a sense of identity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to communicate with GO6 and gather information about the other version of himself and GO19. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in trying to uncover the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, with John's internal struggle and the impending solar flare.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges in regaining his memories and uncovering the truth about the other version of himself and GO19. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and the potential consequences.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the impending solar flare threatening the lives of eight billion people.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the solar shield and John's role in saving humanity.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the protagonist's memories and the existence of another version of himself, creating intrigue and uncertainty about the direction of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in focusing on everyday people and GO6's belief in acting for the greater good. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview as he grapples with the importance of individual lives versus the greater population.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through John's grief and his determination to save humanity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and thought-provoking, particularly the conversation between John and GO6 about the importance of everyday people.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new location, reveals important information about the protagonist's goals and the world they inhabit, and creates suspense through the use of teleportation and the protagonist's conversation with GO6.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of momentum and urgency, particularly through the concise and direct dialogue and the use of teleportation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and capitalization.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and the characters' actions.
  • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise and to the point.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding more movement and action.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it could be more satisfying if it wereもう少し詳しい
  • The scene could be more impactful if it were shorter and more focused.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting and the characters' actions.
  • Make the dialogue more concise and to the point.
  • Add more movement and action to the scene.
  • Make the ending of the scene more satisfying.
  • Shorten the scene and make it more focused.



Scene 36 -  Exploring the Warehouse and Its Curiosities
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

John takes a blindfold off Dr. Webber who is standing next to
an active portal.

JOHN
That’s a portal to a parallel
universe, P554 I believe, the time
cage is over there. This monitor is
linked to GO6, an AI satellite
that’s going to change the world.
And that’s the coffee machine.

John signals for Dr. Webber to touch his implant.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Make yourself at home. The team
will answer any questions you’ll
have. They’re expecting you.

Dr. Webber touches John’s implant and John vanishes. Dr.
Webber places his hand through the portal before examining the
time cage.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Dr. Webber, guided by John, explores a warehouse containing various unusual items, such as a portal to a parallel universe and a time cage. John demonstrates his implant's functionality by disappearing upon Dr. Webber's touch. Fascinated, Dr. Webber examines the portal and time cage, immersing himself in the extraordinary environment.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept of parallel universes and time travel
  • Emotional depth and exploration of grief and redemption
  • Thought-provoking themes about destiny and free will
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise and impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and thought-provoking, combining elements of science fiction and drama. It captivates the audience with its intense and emotional moments, while also raising profound questions about destiny and the nature of reality.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is intriguing and well-developed in the scene. It explores the idea of destiny and the possibility of altering the course of events. The inclusion of GO6, an AI satellite, adds a unique and futuristic element to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is compelling and keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene. It introduces various conflicts and mysteries, such as the impending solar flare and the manipulation of John's memories. The scene also advances the overall story by revealing new information and setting up future events.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a portal to a parallel universe and advanced technology is not entirely unique, the specific combination of these elements and the introduction of a time cage adds a fresh approach to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their emotions are effectively portrayed. John's grief and determination, as well as Mike's guilt and protectiveness, create a strong emotional connection with the audience. Dr. Webber's introduction adds a new dynamic to the story and raises further questions about the nature of the parallel universe.

Character Changes: 8

John undergoes significant emotional changes in the scene, transitioning from grief and anger to a glimmer of hope and determination. His encounter with Mike and the revelations about his memories challenge his beliefs and force him to reevaluate his relationships and purpose.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to introduce Dr. Webber to the new environment and make him feel comfortable. This reflects John's desire to successfully integrate Dr. Webber into the team and ensure his cooperation and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to show Dr. Webber the portal, time cage, and other advanced technology. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges of introducing Dr. Webber to the team and the new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains multiple conflicts, both internal and external. John's internal conflict between grief and hope drives the emotional arc of the scene. The external conflicts, such as the impending solar flare and the manipulation of John's memories, create tension and propel the plot forward.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak, as there are no significant obstacles or conflicts presented. The audience knows that Dr. Webber is expected and welcomed by the team.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the impending solar flare threatening the survival of Earth. John's personal stakes are also significant, as he grapples with grief, guilt, and the possibility of altering destiny to save Amy.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, conflicts, and character dynamics. It sets up future events and raises anticipation for the resolution of the impending solar flare and John's quest to save Amy.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces elements such as the portal, time cage, and advanced technology, which create a sense of unknown possibilities and potential plot twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through John's grief and his search for redemption. The moments of loss, guilt, and hope create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It also introduces important concepts and themes related to destiny and parallel universes. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more concise and impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces the audience to a new and intriguing environment, presents a sense of mystery and potential, and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow. The concise dialogue and actions keep the scene moving forward without unnecessary delays.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. The scene is well-presented and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The actions and dialogue are appropriately placed and contribute to the flow of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit technical and exposition-heavy. It could be more engaging if it were more character-driven and less focused on explaining the technology.
  • The scene lacks conflict. John and Dr. Webber are simply exchanging information, and there is no tension or drama.
  • The scene ends abruptly with John vanishing. It would be more satisfying if there were a more formal goodbye or exchange between John and Dr. Webber.
Suggestions
  • Add more character-driven dialogue to the scene. For example, John could express his excitement about the technology to Dr. Webber, or Dr. Webber could share his concerns about the ethical implications of using the portal.
  • Create some conflict in the scene. For example, Dr. Webber could be hesitant to use the portal, or John could be worried about the consequences of using it.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, John and Dr. Webber could shake hands or hug before John vanishes.



Scene 37 -  John's Determination: Saving Amy and Accepting Consequences
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY
John teleports with a massive thump. He tidies his hair.

LUCY
It's good to have you back.

JOHN
With all the technology, the
parallel universes, and the crazy
stuff that seems to follow me
wherever I go, I can count on you.

LUCY
Always.

JOHN
I won't be needing my cushion quite
yet.
49

LUCY
Nope. You just got away without an
"I told you so."

John takes the implant out and scratches his head. John rolls
two dice – a 3 and a 4. He studies the dice.

He turns around and marvels at a large six-by-six-foot
futuristic cage in the middle of the room. John compares it
to his early drawing when he was a kid. Lucy laughs.

LUCY (CONT’D)
I would have made a good childhood
friend. We could have eaten dirt
together.

JOHN
I would have liked that.

GO6
If you are inside the cage when
there is a change to the timeline,
you will remember the previous
timeline.

LUCY’S NOTEBOOK: Inside = good. Outside = bad.

Dr. Webber studies the plans for the solar shield array and
blueprints for the individual satellites and casing.

GO6 (CONT’D)
The solar shield concept from P two
five five could be strong enough
with a few modifications –

JOHN
(interrupting)
I can save Amy.

GO6
That may not be possible.

DR. WEBBER
John, GO6 is not God. You built it
to optimize people's lives, not
decide who lives and dies. Death
is a part of destiny.

John looks at Lucy, who hangs her head. Unfortunately, Mike
can't offer John eye contact either.
50

JOHN (CONT’D)
I will only help you if you
calculate how to save Amy and my
child.

GO6
Will you keep jumping off the
Empire State Building until I do as
you want?

John SLAMS his wedding ring on the table.

GO6 (CONT'D)
I promised to help everyday people
including Amy and baby Mark. Is
saving countless parallel
universes not more important than
two lives?

JOHN
Not to me.

GO6
If I save Amy, you die. It’s one or
the other.

JOHN
You're the supercomputer. Figure it
out.

GO6
There is one reality where I can
give you an extra two minutes with
Amy. But a hospital is blown up and
innocent people die.

JOHN
But we can change the timeline
back.

GO6
Yes. But people will suffer.

JOHN
Do it. They won’t remember.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John teleports into a warehouse and discusses the technology and parallel universes that follow him. He expresses his desire to save Amy and his child, despite the potential consequences. GO6 proposes a solution, but warns of the innocent lives that may be lost. After some consideration, John agrees to change the timeline and suffer the consequences. The scene takes place in a warehouse during the day, with a large futuristic cage as the significant visual element. The emotional tone is tense and determined, with key dialogue focusing on John's reliance on Lucy and the consequences of altering the timeline.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • Exploration of ethical dilemmas
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and thought-provoking, with intense emotional moments and a strong exploration of ethical and philosophical themes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced technology to alter timelines and save loved ones is intriguing and raises ethical questions. The idea of a supercomputer calculating the best outcome adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is complex and engaging, with multiple storylines converging and raising the stakes. The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the dilemma of sacrificing innocent lives to save Amy.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of parallel universes and advanced technology is not entirely unique, the specific situation and the protagonist's dilemma add a fresh approach to familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable. John's desperation to save Amy and his conflict with GO6 create tension. Lucy and Dr. Webber provide support and moral guidance.

Character Changes: 8

John undergoes a significant change in this scene, as he is forced to confront the consequences of his actions and make a difficult decision. His perspective on sacrifice and the limitations of technology evolves.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Amy and his child. This reflects his deeper desire to protect his loved ones and his fear of losing them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince GO6 to calculate how to save Amy and his child. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in finding a solution to his problem.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, both internally within John as he grapples with the decision to sacrifice innocent lives, and externally with GO6 and the government's demands.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from GO6 and conflicting choices. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, as John must choose between saving Amy and potentially sacrificing innocent lives. The fate of the world is also at stake with the impending solar flare.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the ethical dilemma and raising the stakes. It sets up the conflict between John and GO6 and establishes the potential consequences of their actions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a moral dilemma and presents conflicting choices for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between John and GO6. John values the lives of Amy and his child above all else, while GO6 believes that saving countless parallel universes is more important. This challenges John's beliefs and values, as he must decide between the greater good and his personal desires.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotional, with moments of despair, hope, and anger. The audience is deeply invested in John's struggle and the potential consequences of his choices.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and explores philosophical ideas. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more concise and impactful.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's choices and the consequences of his actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue exchanges are quick and impactful, keeping the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue tags, and action lines.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.


Critique
  • The scene is mostly a dialogue between John and GO6, and it lacks action or movement.
  • The dialogue is a bit repetitive and could be more concise.
  • The stakes in the scene are not clear, and it is not clear why John is willing to risk so much to save Amy.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and does not give the reader a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Add more action or movement to the scene, such as John and GO6 moving around the warehouse or interacting with the time cage.
  • Condense the dialogue and make it more concise, while still conveying the same information.
  • Establish the stakes more clearly, and explain why John is willing to risk so much to save Amy.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene, such as John and GO6 coming to a decision or taking some action.



Scene 38 -  John's Revelation: A Race Against Time
EXT. CRASH SITE – DAY

The car dangles off the edge of the cliff.
51

INT. CAR – DAY

John holds Amy’s hand.

JOHN’S PHONE: TV footage of the bombed hospital.

AMY
John, I’m scared.

JOHN
Me too. Amy, I need to tell you
something. I’m a time traveler, a
parallel universe jumper and there
is a satellite that is going to
change the world.

AMY
Is this the first time having this
conversation? Do you know what I’m
going to say next?

JOHN
I can only have this moment once.
And we only have 100 seconds left.

AMY
Fix this. I don’t want to die. I
believe in you.

Amy picks up John’s phone – the bombed hospital news coverage.

AMY (CONT’D)
Has this anything to do with us,
with this? Truth.

JOHN
Yes.

AMY
John, I love you. Always will. But
don’t ever be this selfish again.
Right now, moms are feeling grief I
can only ever imagine as their
babies have been burned alive. You
can never do this again. You’re
better than that.

JOHN
But they won’t remember anything.
52

AMY
A mother will remember, even if
it’s deep, deep, down in their
subconscious.

JOHN
I understand. Ten seconds.

AMY
Find a parallel universe where I
have a happy childhood and when you
get this problem fixed, take me
there. Promise?

JOHN
Promise.

AMY
I love you.

JOHN
You’re the only bee in my bonnet.

The car slides forward. John taps his implant and vanishes.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, John confesses to Amy that he is a time traveler while their car dangles off a cliff. Amy, frightened, asks John to fix the situation and prioritize preventing future tragedies. John agrees, but Amy insists he find a parallel universe where she has a happy childhood. As the clock ticks down, John vanishes, leaving Amy's fate uncertain. The scene is filled with emotional conflict, as John struggles with his desire to fix the future and his own selfishness, while Amy confronts him about the consequences of his actions.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional impact
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Some exposition-heavy moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with strong dialogue and a compelling plot. It effectively combines elements of science fiction and drama to create a tense and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of time travel and parallel universes is explored in a unique and intriguing way. The scene raises interesting questions about destiny, free will, and the consequences of altering the timeline.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. It effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment where the protagonist must make a difficult choice.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of time travel and parallel universes is not entirely unique, the specific conflict and emotional dynamics between the characters add freshness to the familiar tropes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions are portrayed convincingly. The scene provides insight into their motivations and relationships, particularly the love between John and Amy.

Character Changes: 8

John undergoes a significant change in this scene as he realizes the consequences of his actions and makes a promise to Amy. His perspective on time travel and his priorities shift.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confess his secret identity as a time traveler and parallel universe jumper to Amy. This reflects his deeper need for honesty and connection with her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix the problem with the satellite that is going to change the world. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to prevent a catastrophic event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains both internal and external conflicts. The internal conflict within John as he grapples with the choice between saving Amy and potentially causing harm to others adds depth to the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Amy challenges the protagonist's actions and forces him to confront the consequences of his choices. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to fix the problem in time.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as John and Amy face imminent death in the car. The decision John makes will not only determine their fate but also potentially impact the lives of others.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the solar shield and the government's request for John's help. It also deepens the emotional connection between John and Amy.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the concept of time travel and parallel universes, creating uncertainty about the outcome and the protagonist's ability to fix the problem.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to fix the problem and save lives, and Amy's belief that he should prioritize the emotional well-being of the affected mothers. This challenges the protagonist's values and forces him to consider the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly during the conversation between John and Amy in the car. The audience feels the weight of their love and the urgency of the situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful and effectively conveys the emotions and thoughts of the characters. It explores complex concepts in a clear and engaging manner.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and explores the emotional connection between the characters. The dialogue is gripping and the time constraint adds tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and building tension as the time limit approaches. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. The scene is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The pacing and progression of the scene are well-executed.


Critique
  • The dialogue between John and Amy is forced and unnatural. It doesn't sound like a conversation that two people would have in a real-life situation.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. The action lacks focus and could be condensed to make it more engaging.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition. The writer should show, not tell, the reader what is happening.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between John and Amy to make it more natural and believable.
  • Condense the scene to make it more focused and engaging. Cut out any unnecessary action or dialogue.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. Give the reader a sense of closure.
  • Use more action and description to show the reader what is happening. Avoid relying too heavily on exposition.



Scene 39 -  Initiating a Paradigm Shift to Save the World
EXT. CRASH SITE – DAY

The car rolls off the cliff. John sits with his head in his
hands. He jumps and teleports at the last moment.

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

John wipes away tears and puts his wedding ring back on his
finger. Mike assesses the brown briefcase for fire damage. Dr.
Webber and Mike have a stare-out.

LUCY
Should I be worried about those
two being in the same room?

John gestures fifty-fifty with his hand.

LUCY (CONT’D)
Can you talk to GO6 that far in
the past?

John gestures fifty-fifty with his hand. Lucy opens a wardrobe
of old clothes for most time periods. She picks up a pair of
Lederhosen and checks they fit John.
53

JOHN
GO6 has done quadrillions of
calculations.

LUCY
As you do.

JOHN
It has found a way to save the
world. And. Save Amy. But it cannot
alter the timeline without my
approval. No ifs or buts.

LUCY
Let's do it.

MIKE
Count me in.

JOHN
But.

LUCY
You said no buts.

JOHN
The world is going to have to
change. A paradigm shift
change.

DR. WEBBER
It would make my job easier if the
world were more advanced and
upgraded.

LUCY
So, you're making the past-est
people smartest to get the most-est
out of technology?

DR. WEBBER
It's the Goldilocks principle, not
too advanced, not too dated, just
like the Tartarians.

LUCY
Was she the one with the seven
small people?
54

DR. WEBBER
That was Snow White. Goldilocks had
three bears.

LUCY
I never had bedtime stories. Can
you read it to me one day?

DR. WEBBER
I’d love to.

JOHN
Countless lives will be changed.

LUCY
We can change them back.

John puts his hand out. Lucy puts her hand on top of John's.
Dr. Webber and Mike add their hands to the cluster.

LUCY (CONT'D)
John and I can work on the
individual people and make them
fulfill their potential. John can
create time loops and manipulate
events to make sure things happen
according to GO6’s plan. Like
Richard in P255.

MIKE
Dr. Webber and I can work on a
universal solar shield.

JOHN
It won't be easy.

MIKE
Teamwork.


LUCY
Makes the?

JOHN
Don’t make me say it.

LUCY
Go on. You know you want to.
55

MIKE
Teamwork makes the.

JOHN
Argh. I hate you all.

MIKE
Teamwork.

LUCY
Makes the.

JOHN
OK then. I give in. Dreamwork.

Mike CHEERS while Lucy does a TikTok dance.

LUCY
Play nice with GO6. We don't want
you stuck in the past.

MIKE
Solar radiation could affect
the implant.

JOHN
GO6 has my back. I'll be fine.
Amy once told me to not overthink
things. Being a dad would come
naturally. I didn’t know what she
meant until now.

MIKE
You’ll make an excellent dad.

Mike offers his hand to John who shakes it.

LUCY
Aww. A proper Hallmark moment. GO6,
can I ask you to make some changes?

GO6
If my calculations allow.

LUCY
Can you change my Mom and Dad’s
destinies?

GO6
I'll try.
56

John, Amy, Mike, and Dr. Webber walk to the computer.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Initiate Paradigm shift protocol? Y/N?

One by one they all put their finger on the "Y" KEY. They
press the button.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Ready.

John opens the door to the time machine and teleports.

LUCY
You don’t have a spare implant
hidden anywhere?

MIKE
Only John knows the design.

LUCY
I don’t think I like that. I’ll
ask John to make me one.

MIKE
Good luck with that. He won’t
share the designs.

LUCY
I’ll go to P forty-eight and
get the designs there.

MIKE
They are super protective of
their technology. If they
caught you, you wouldn’t see
sunlight again.

LUCY
Fine. I’ll hack the implant,
even hack his brain to get the
designs.

MIKE
I like this side of you.

LUCY
Mike, I need to be in control
of my own destiny. No machine
tells me what to do.
57

MIKE
Ditto. Shall we? I was thinking
I would start with the Grimm
fairytales. The Juniper tree is
my favorite.

Lucy, Mike, and Dr. Webber enter the time cage.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary John escapes a car crash and reunites with the team in a warehouse. They decide to initiate a paradigm shift to save the world and Amy, despite the profound changes it will bring. Dr. Webber plans to upgrade the world's technology, Mike focuses on a universal solar shield, and Lucy offers to work on individual people's potential. The team confidently agrees to work together, and the scene ends with John teleporting back to the past and Lucy expressing her determination to control her own destiny.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of deep concepts
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited intense conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, introduces important concepts, and sets up high stakes for the characters. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of determinism and free will is explored in depth, and the introduction of the solar shield adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters discuss their plans to change the world and save loved ones. The introduction of the time cage and the decision to alter the timeline add intrigue.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of time travel and saving the world is not entirely unique, the specific details and the use of humor in the dialogue add freshness to the familiar tropes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, particularly John's desire to save Amy and his child. Their determination and teamwork make them compelling.

Character Changes: 8

John experiences a shift in his perspective and priorities, realizing the importance of being a father and making sacrifices for the greater good.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save the world and save Amy, while also ensuring that any changes to the timeline are approved by him. This reflects his deeper desire to protect and preserve what is important to him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to initiate a paradigm shift protocol and make changes to the world and people's destinies. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in order to create a better future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is some conflict between Dr. Webber and Mike, but overall, the scene focuses more on discussion and planning rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are challenges and potential risks involved in altering the timeline, the characters are united in their goal and there is a sense of camaraderie and support.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters discuss saving the world from a solar flare and making sacrifices to save loved ones. The potential consequences add tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the solar shield, showcasing the characters' plans, and setting up the stakes for the upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the concept of a paradigm shift and the potential consequences of altering the timeline. However, the overall direction and outcome of the scene can be anticipated.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the idea of altering the timeline and the potential consequences of those changes. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values regarding the responsibility of altering the course of events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes sadness and hope, particularly in John's desire to save Amy and his child. The characters' determination and bond also elicit emotions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, exploring deep philosophical questions about determinism and free will. It also showcases the characters' personalities and their bond.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of action, emotion, and humor. The witty banter between the characters and the high stakes of saving the world create a sense of excitement and investment for the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of action and dialogue. It keeps the scene moving forward while also allowing for emotional beats and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an external action, transitions to an internal conversation, and ends with a decision and initiation of a protocol.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters don't sound like real people, and their conversations are full of exposition.
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It could be cut by at least a third without losing any important information.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's not clear what happens to the characters or what the consequences of their actions are.
  • The scene is full of technical jargon and scientific concepts that are difficult to follow for a general audience.
Suggestions
  • Start by defining the purpose of the scene. What do you want the characters to achieve? What are the stakes? Once you know the purpose of the scene, you can start to write dialogue and action that will help you achieve that goal.
  • Make the dialogue more natural by using contractions, slang, and other informal language. Also, avoid having characters talk in long, expository speeches.
  • Cut any unnecessary dialogue or action. Focus on the most important moments and events, and don't be afraid to leave out anything that doesn't add to the story.
  • Provide a clear ending to the scene. Show what happens to the characters and what the consequences of their actions are.
  • Explain any technical jargon or scientific concepts in a way that is easy for a general audience to understand.



Scene 40 -  Preparing for a New Mission: Teleportation and Exploration
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM – DAY

John takes out the implant. He steps into a Faraday cage, 8 by
8 feet. He closes the door. He switches on a computer. He
clicks on a folder named "Omega." John transfers the folder
onto a flash drive. He puts it in his pocket and exits the
Faraday cage.

The implant is flashing. John puts it in the docking port in
his head and teleports.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE – DAY

TIME LAPSE: Times Square transforms into our version.

ON SCREEN: NEW YORK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE P01 UPGRADED (our
universe, not boring anymore.)

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Lucy, Mike, and Dr. Webber exit the time cage.

MIKE
Not too hot?

DR. WEBBER
Not too cold?

JOHN
Just right.

LUCY
Tell me there are flying cars.

John nods no. Mike picks up the portal opening device. He
walks into a smaller room. Lucy puts the photo of the female
Barista on a whiteboard. She draws a green line to "MIT."
INT. SMALL ROOM – DAY

Mike strolls through a portal.

ON SCREEN: PARALLEL UNIVERSE P-101
58

EXT. CAVE – NIGHT

Cold and wet. Mike attaches a breathing aid. Parallel John
approaches. Mike stars up at the night sky.

PARALLEL JOHN
What do you see, Dad?

MIKE
No GO6.

Mike hugs Parallel John as they go deeper into the cave.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE – DAY (P01)

Lucy flicks John's crucifix necklace.

JOHN
Einstein said something that
hit home.

LUCY
People are remembering things from
the other timeline. They’re calling
it the Mandela effect.

JOHN
After Nelson Mandela?

LUCY
In this timeline, he died in 2013.

JOHN
Listen, can you hear Richard singing?

John runs east and Lucy tries to keep up.

AT STEP SEATS

Richard sings “Infinity” to a small group of PEOPLE. He
finishes the song and takes a seat on a bench.

LUCY
Our first mission, make Richard a
rockstar.

JOHN
Let’s listen to him for a bit
before we have to pay a fortune for
a ticket.
59

They listen to Richard singing.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary John teleports to a parallel universe's Times Square after removing an implant and transferring a folder to a flash drive. Mike and Lucy emerge from the time cage and discuss their new surroundings, with Mike later leaving through a portal. In the parallel universe, Mike and Parallel John explore a cave, while Lucy and John listen to Richard singing in Times Square. The scene is hopeful and optimistic, with characters preparing for their new mission, and includes visuals of John teleporting, Mike and Lucy emerging from the time cage, and Richard singing in Times Square. The scene ends with Lucy and John listening to Richard's singing.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Intriguing concept of parallel universes
  • Emotional moments and character development
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more unique and memorable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and introduces exciting new elements to the story. It sets up high stakes and conflict, while also providing emotional moments and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The idea of upgrading the world and working together to save it is also compelling.

Plot: 9

The plot moves forward significantly in this scene, introducing new challenges and goals for the characters. It sets up the final act of the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of parallel universes and time travel is not entirely new, the specific details and the mission to make Richard a rockstar add a fresh twist to the familiar tropes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and development, particularly John and Mike. Their relationship is explored, and their motivations and actions are revealed.

Character Changes: 8

John and Mike both undergo changes in this scene. John confronts his past and makes a decision to save Amy, while Mike reveals his sacrifices for John's safety.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the parallel universe and complete their mission successfully. This reflects their desire to make a difference and change the course of events.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Richard and make him a rockstar. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the characters facing the impending solar flare and the need to save the world. There is also internal conflict between John and Mike.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are challenges and obstacles implied, they are not fully developed or revealed in this particular scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the impending solar flare threatening the world. The characters' personal stakes are also raised, particularly for John and Mike.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new goals and challenges for the characters. It sets up the final act and raises the stakes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the concept of a parallel universe and sets up a mission that is not fully revealed. The audience is left wondering about the challenges and obstacles the characters will face.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has emotional moments, particularly in the confrontation between John and Mike. It also raises the stakes and creates a sense of urgency.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and emotions. It could be improved by adding more unique and memorable lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new world and sets up a mission for the characters. The fast pace, concise dialogue, and the promise of adventure keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the action moving and maintaining a sense of urgency. The quick transitions and concise dialogue help maintain the fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't have much action or dialogue.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The scene is confusing and doesn't make sense.
  • The scene is full of exposition and doesn't show us anything interesting.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or goal.
Suggestions
  • Add more action and dialogue to the scene.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and believable.
  • Advance the plot or develop the characters in the scene.
  • Make the scene more clear and easy to understand.
  • Cut down on the exposition and show us more interesting things.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal.



Scene 41 -  John Meets Parallel John in a Different Time and Place
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY – NIGHT (1969)

BEGIN TIME TRAVEL SEQUENCE.

John wears a striking pair of flares and platform shoes.

DR. WEBBER (V.O.)
GO6, who is best to develop a
compressor for the shields?

GO6 (V.O.)
Teri Lamont, a rocket scientist,
San Francisco, 1969.

JOHN
GO6. Do you copy?

John thumps his implant. Parallel John walks through a green
portal.

PARALLEL JOHN
Give me your implant. I’ll boost
the signal to GO6.

Parallel John tweaks the settings of the implant and John
places it back in its docking port.

JOHN
Have you been popping tags at the
thrift shop? Which future or
parallel universe are you from?

PARALLEL JOHN
I answer that the next time I see
you. We need to meet up with all
the other Johns and come up with a
creed for us all to live by. By the
way, you still throwing threes and
fours on the dice?

John nods yes before tapping his implant and vanishing.

END TIME TRAVEL SEQUENCE.

FADE TO BLACK
60

ON SCREEN: JULY 1st, 2024 – PARALLEL UNIVERSE P-17
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Time Travel","Action"]

Summary In 1969 San Francisco, John meets Parallel John from a parallel universe on July 1st, 2024. They discuss a creed for all Johns to live by, and Parallel John helps boost John's implant signal. The scene ends with John vanishing and a fade to black, followed by onscreen text indicating a new date and parallel universe. The tone is curious and playful, with no conflicts arising.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Well-written dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing without prior knowledge of the story

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and captivating, with a strong concept, well-developed characters, and intense dialogue. The conflict and emotional impact are high, and the scene moves the story forward significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and time travel is intriguing and well-executed. It adds depth and complexity to the story, allowing for exploration of different timelines and possibilities.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged. It introduces new elements and challenges for the characters, driving the story forward and building suspense.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its combination of time travel, parallel universes, and the concept of multiple versions of the protagonist. The dialogue and references to specific time periods add authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are clear. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene and drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 8

The character of John undergoes significant changes throughout the scene. He learns about the consequences of his actions and makes difficult choices for the greater good.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to communicate with GO6 and ensure the success of their mission. This reflects their desire to fulfill their role and responsibilities within the time travel operation, as well as their need for connection and collaboration with their team.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet up with all the other Johns and come up with a creed for them to live by. This reflects the immediate challenge of establishing unity and a common purpose among the different versions of the protagonist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between characters, conflict between different timelines, and conflict between personal desires and the greater good.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are challenges and conflicts present, they are not insurmountable and the audience is left with a sense of uncertainty about how they will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters are faced with the task of saving the world and their loved ones. The consequences of their actions are significant and have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new challenges and setting up the climax. It reveals important information and propels the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the idea of multiple versions of the protagonist and their need to come together and establish a creed. The audience is left wondering how this will unfold and what challenges they will face.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's individuality and the need for collective action. The protagonist's belief in personal freedom and their desire to maintain their own identity is challenged by the necessity of working together with the other versions of themselves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, such as fear, anger, and sadness. The characters' struggles and sacrifices are deeply felt, adding emotional depth to the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It is well-written and adds tension and emotion to the scene.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces the concept of time travel and parallel universes, raises questions about the protagonist's identity and purpose, and creates a sense of anticipation for future events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by moving the story forward and maintaining a sense of momentum. The dialogue and action are concise and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and narrative description in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a time and location description, introduces the characters through dialogue, and concludes with a fade to black.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, making it feel uneventful and lacking in dramatic weight.
  • The dialogue is overly expository, with characters simply stating facts and information rather than engaging in meaningful conversations.
  • The time travel sequence feels disjointed and confusing, with the transitions between different time periods and parallel universes occurring too quickly and without enough context.
  • The use of the implant and GO6 to solve problems feels like a deus ex machina, as it conveniently provides a solution to every obstacle without any real effort or struggle from the characters.
  • The introduction of Parallel John adds unnecessary complexity to the story and does not contribute significantly to the plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear conflict or obstacle that the characters must overcome, such as a threat to their mission or a moral dilemma.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, with characters expressing their emotions and motivations through their words.
  • Simplify the time travel sequence by focusing on a single time period or parallel universe and providing more context for the transitions.
  • Limit the use of the implant and GO6 as a problem-solving device, and focus on the characters' own abilities and resources to overcome challenges.
  • Consider removing Parallel John or redefining his role to make him a more integral and meaningful character.



Scene 42 -  Eerie Encounter in a Georgian Mansion and GO6's Evasion
EXT. GEORGIAN MANSION – NIGHT

Shards of a blown-up moon illuminate the night sky.

The pristine Georgian Mansion is heavily protected with armed
security men and cameras.

INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT

Grand with flowing chandeliers and gold framed portraits.
Lucy strolls through a blue portal. She opens a metallic
briefcase, takes out the blueprints for GO6, and spreads
them the correct way on a table.

A FEMALE FIGURE stands in the shadows.

FEMALE FIGURE
That dated world looks amazing now.

The female figure steps into the light. Her seashell
necklace glistens in the candlelight. She hands Lucy a Costa
coffee cup and chinks her coffee cup with Lucy’s.

FEMALE FIGURE (CONT’D)
And the plans for the implant?

LUCY
He still won't write them down.

The female figure is PARALLEL LUCY, 47. Her whole body is
covered in the red rash.

She pushes back Lucy’s right ear and Lucy switches off. A
control panel opens to reveal a positronic brain. Diodes and
LEDs flash. Under Lucy’s left ear are two holes drilled in
her head for an implant.

EXT. SPACE – DAY – P-17

GO6 pushes through a portal and navigates behind a piece of
the blown-up moon as a massive surveillance satellite passes
by.


FINAL FADE TO BLACK
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In a Georgian mansion's ballroom, Parallel Lucy, who has a mysterious red rash, confronts Lucy about the plans for a GO6 implant. Lucy reveals that the plans are still not written down, causing Parallel Lucy's frustration. Parallel Lucy then turns off Lucy's positronic brain, while GO6 navigates in space behind the moon, evading a surveillance satellite. The scene ends with shards of the blown-up moon illuminating the night sky and the scene fading to black.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of parallel universes
  • Strong emotional depth
  • Engaging plot filled with suspense
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some elements may be confusing without prior context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and intriguing, with a strong blend of science fiction elements and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of parallel universes and the use of implants for time travel and memory manipulation is innovative and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot is complex and filled with suspense, as the characters navigate through different timelines and face high-stakes challenges.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the combination of a Georgian Mansion and futuristic technology is not entirely unique, the specific details and the way they are presented add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts drive the story forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, particularly John who grapples with his identity and the consequences of his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to obtain the plans for the implant. This reflects her deeper desire to gain control or power over someone who is unwilling to share the information. It also suggests her determination and resourcefulness in finding alternative ways to achieve her goals.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate behind a piece of the blown-up moon and avoid detection by a massive surveillance satellite. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, which involve stealth and evasion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face challenges and make difficult decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict or obstacle, the mention of the protagonist's inability to obtain the plans for the implant creates a sense of opposition and challenge. The audience is left wondering how she will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters work to save the world from a solar flare and make personal sacrifices for their loved ones.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and deepening the conflicts and relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the blue portal, the metallic briefcase, and the control panel with a positronic brain. The presence of the female figure and the mention of the implant also add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the interactions between John and Mike, and John and Amy.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, but could benefit from more memorable and impactful lines.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious female figure, raises questions about the protagonist's goals and the nature of the implant, and includes elements of suspense and intrigue. The concise dialogue and vivid imagery keep the audience interested and wanting to know more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the audience engaged. The concise dialogue and vivid imagery help to create a sense of momentum and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and organized. The scene is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, moves to an interior location, and concludes with a fade to black. The scene is concise and focused, effectively conveying the necessary information.


Critique
  • The scene is confusing and difficult to follow. It is unclear what is happening and why.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The use of the term "positronic brain" is inaccurate and confusing.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the scene to make it clear what is happening and why.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the characters more fully and give them clear motivations.
  • Rewrite the scene to advance the plot or develop the characters in some way.
  • Remove the term "positronic brain" and replace it with a more accurate term.