Read LAPD 2043 with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Dangerous Nighttime Drive in a City on Edge
INT. MAZDA - CONTINUOUS

SIXTO REYES (30s) nervously steers the Mazda. His daughter
LUCIA REYES, an 8-year-old with bobbed hair, a pink bomber
jacket and a birthmark, sits in the passenger seat, eating
chicken nuggets and doing homework.

The Mazda navigates around a burning cop car, turns down a
side street.

A group of ARYAN BIKERS clog the road, moving slowly,
looking for trouble. Sixto nervously eyes the temp gauge as
it creeps up... up... hitting the red... maxing out.

He nervously flips on the heater to release hot air from the
engine, tries to roll the window down – it's broken.

The car's an oven, crawling through the city on the hottest
night of the year. Beads of sweat stain Kayla's homework.

The Mazda creeps past a masked group running with bats and
bars. Shouts of "Go back to Mexico!" fill the night.

The 'check engine' light comes on.

Sixto looks in the rear-view mirror. A TATTOOED BIKER
follows on a motorcycle, his jacket emblazoned: AFN.

The car loses power. The interior light strobes, revealing
Sixto's terrified eyes in the rear-view mirror as the Mazda
disappears beneath a bridge marked by a sign - DOLLY LAKE.

Everything goes BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Sixto, a nervous driver and father, is driving his 8-year-old daughter Lucia through the city on the hottest night of the year. They encounter threatening groups, including Aryan Bikers and masked protestors, and face mechanical issues with their car. Despite temporarily escaping on a motorcycle, they ultimately lose power and disappear into darkness beneath a bridge. The scene is tense, suspenseful, and chaotic, with visually striking elements and no dialogue.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Effective portrayal of fear and vulnerability
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and fear through the dangerous situation and the racial slurs. The use of the broken window and the car's overheating adds to the sense of urgency and vulnerability.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father and daughter facing danger and racial tension while driving through a city creates a compelling and suspenseful scenario.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the father's attempt to navigate through dangerous situations while his car is failing. The tension and conflict are high, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its depiction of a gritty and dangerous urban environment, the specific challenges faced by the protagonist and his daughter, and the exploration of racial tension and the importance of family. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their actions and reactions. The father's nervousness and the daughter's innocence and vulnerability are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the father's fear and the daughter's innocence are established and set the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his daughter and keep her safe in the dangerous environment they find themselves in. This reflects his deeper need for security, his fear of harm coming to his daughter, and his desire to be a good father.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the dangerous situation they are in and reach a place of safety. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, such as the presence of Aryan bikers, the broken car, and the loss of power.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict level is high due to the dangerous situations, the presence of Aryan bikers, and the racial slurs. The characters are constantly under threat.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the presence of Aryan bikers, the broken car, and the loss of power. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles, creating a sense of suspense and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as the characters face physical danger, racial tension, and the potential loss of their only means of transportation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the dangerous world the characters inhabit and setting up potential conflicts and challenges they will face.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The burning cop car, the broken car window, and the loss of power create a sense of uncertainty and tension, leaving the audience unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of family and protecting his daughter, and the racist beliefs of the Aryan bikers who shout 'Go back to Mexico!' This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as he must navigate a hostile environment while trying to keep his daughter safe.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters. The audience is emotionally invested in their safety.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful. The racial slurs and the father's worried remarks add to the tension and establish the characters' emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately establishes a sense of danger and urgency. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's struggle to protect his daughter and escape the hostile environment. The vivid descriptions and impactful dialogue create a strong emotional connection.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of tension and urgency. The concise descriptions and impactful dialogue keep the reader engaged and maintain a fast pace, mirroring the protagonist's desperate situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is clear and easy to read, enhancing the overall readability of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, concise descriptions, and impactful dialogue. It effectively conveys the progression of events and the escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Sixto and Lucia in the car, and it's clear that they're in trouble. The car is overheating, the window is broken, and they're being followed by a group of Aryan Bikers.
  • The scene is very suspenseful, and it's clear that Sixto is doing everything he can to protect his daughter. However, the scene also feels a bit disjointed, and it's not always clear what's happening.
  • For example, it's not clear why the Aryan Bikers are following Sixto and Lucia, or what they want. It's also not clear why the car is overheating, or why the window is broken.
  • These details are important because they help to create a sense of danger and urgency. Without them, the scene feels less suspenseful, and it's harder to connect with the characters.
  • Another issue with the scene is that it's too long. The scene goes on for several minutes, and it starts to drag in the middle. This is because there's not enough action or dialogue to keep the reader engaged.
  • To fix this, the writer could cut out some of the unnecessary details and focus on the most important moments. For example, the writer could cut out the part where Sixto and Lucia are driving around the city, and focus on the part where they're being followed by the Aryan Bikers.
  • Finally, the scene ends with the Mazda disappearing beneath a bridge. This is a very effective way to create suspense, but it also leaves the reader wondering what happened to Sixto and Lucia.
  • To fix this, the writer could add a few lines of dialogue to the end of the scene, or they could cut to a different scene that shows what happened to Sixto and Lucia.
Suggestions
  • Add more details about why the Aryan Bikers are following Sixto and Lucia, and what they want.
  • Explain why the car is overheating, and why the window is broken.
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary details and focus on the most important moments.
  • Add a few lines of dialogue to the end of the scene, or cut to a different scene that shows what happened to Sixto and Lucia.



Scene 2 -  Urgent Search for Missing Child After Shooting
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - LATER

DETECTIVES RAE WHEELER and BEN HOLLOWAY walk through pools
of flickering streetlight towards Sixto's darkened Mazda,
which now sits crookedly with two wheels on the curb.

Wheeler – late 30s – sports a cheap windbreaker and shoes
she can run in. She carries a steaming paper cup from Mister
Coffee adorned with a smear of dollar-store lipstick.
2.


In stark contrast is Ben Holloway, a meticulously groomed,
well-built Black man in his early 40s.

They’re greeted by UNIs CAL Studdebaker (crew cut, mustache,
late 20s), and VINCENT GUERRERO, a Mexican-American man in
his 30s, trimmed mustache, 180 pounds of knotty muscle.

GUERRERO
CSI is on the way.

Sirens fill the air in every direction.

HOLLOWAY
Not anytime soon. Start processing.

Wheeler flicks on a small flashlight, peers through the open
passenger door of the car - Sixto is sprawled in the
driver's seat, half his face painting the window.

WHEELER
Who's the vic?

STUDDEBAKER
Sixto Reyes. No driver's license -
just a Mexican Federal Election Card.
A single shot with a .45. TOD
probably between 7:30 and 8.

The beam of Wheeler's flashlight falls on a piece of paper
on the seat. She leans in and picks it up - Lucia's
homework. It's half-completed in red pen, ending in a
scrawl. Wheeler shines the light on the car floor and sees a
half-eaten box of chicken nuggets, a red pen.

WHEELER
Shit.

HOLLOWAY
What is it?

WHEELER
(To Studdebaker)
You look at his phone?

STUDDEBAKER
Bagged it for CSI. I figured...

Wheeler holds her hand out. Studdebaker glares at her and
tosses over a sealed baggie with the phone in it.

Wheeler clicks through the phone in the bag...

WHEELER
We've got a missing kid.
3.


She holds it up, still in the bag: A pic of Sixto and Lucia
on the screen, both beaming happily.

Guerrero speaks into his radio...

GUERRERO
I need an APB on a tender-age missing
and endangered. We’re looking for a
10- to 12-year-old Hispanic female
(he scans homework to find name)...
Lucia Reyes. Between 4’8 and 5 feet,
weighing about 70 pounds, last seen
near Vermont and 83rd.

Wheeler tosses the bagged phone back to Studdebaker.

WHEELER
Get a copy of this photo to all UNIs
in a 10-block radius. Have Liz create
a tips website for Lucia right away.
Tell her to log any IP addresses that
visit the page before an official
announcement is made, which will
probably be 48 hours, maybe longer.

Wheeler surveys the scene, her eyes moving in every
direction.

STUDDEBAKER
You kidding me? Half the city is on
fire. We don't have time to track
down every illegal...

Wheeler notices the TATTOOED BIKER loitering in a doorway
across the street, eyeing the scene, before her glance falls
on an old security camera above a bodega up the street. It's
knocked sideways, pointing towards the road.

WHEELER
(To Holloway)
Let's get the footage from that
camera. We need a list of every car
that passed between 7:30 and 8.

Holloway turns to Studdebaker.

HOLLOWAY
Knock on all level 3 offenders in a
4-block radius.

STUDDEBAKER
In Dolly Lake? That's like half the
neighborhood!
4.


HOLLOWAY
Then you'd better run.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Detectives Wheeler and Holloway respond to a shooting scene where Sixto Reyes has been killed in his car. Lucia, Reyes' daughter, is missing, and the detectives quickly order a search for her. They gather evidence, interview witnesses, and begin their investigation with a sense of urgency and suspense.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Strong central conflict
  • Effective introduction of characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and raises the stakes by introducing a missing child. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, and the tension is palpable throughout. The scene also sets up the tone and atmosphere of the story, creating a sense of urgency and danger. The only minor weakness is the lack of emotional impact, as the focus is more on the investigation rather than the emotional journey of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child investigation in a crime-ridden city is compelling and provides a strong foundation for the story. The scene effectively introduces the concept and establishes the central conflict. The only minor weakness is the lack of originality in terms of the overall concept, as missing child investigations have been explored in various other crime dramas.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-structured and engaging. It effectively introduces the central conflict of a missing child and sets up the investigation that will drive the story forward. The scene also hints at the larger societal issues and dangers present in the city, adding depth to the plot. The only minor weakness is the lack of complexity in the plot, as it primarily focuses on the investigation without delving into deeper character arcs or subplots.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and genre (crime investigation) are familiar, the specific details and character dynamics bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and distinct. Detective Rae Wheeler is portrayed as a determined and resourceful investigator, while Detective Ben Holloway is presented as a composed and authoritative figure. The scene effectively establishes their contrasting personalities and hints at potential character arcs. However, there is limited development of secondary characters, such as Sixto Reyes and Lucia Reyes.

Character Changes: 7

There is limited character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the central conflict and introducing the investigation. However, there are hints at potential character arcs for the main detectives, particularly in their contrasting personalities and approaches to the case.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve the murder case and find the missing child. This reflects their deeper need for justice, their fear of failure, and their desire to protect the innocent.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence and information related to the murder and missing child case. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in solving the crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the investigation, the dangerous environment) and internal (the contrasting personalities of the detectives). The conflict drives the plot forward and creates tension and suspense. The only minor weakness is the lack of personal stakes for the main characters, as their emotional investment in the case is not fully explored in this scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong as the detectives face challenges in solving the case, such as limited time, a city in chaos, and potential resistance from the community.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are high, as a child is missing and in danger. The urgency and danger of the situation are effectively conveyed, creating a sense of tension and suspense. The scene also hints at the larger societal issues and dangers present in the city, adding to the overall stakes of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict of a missing child and setting up the investigation. It provides crucial information and raises questions that will drive the plot forward. The only minor weakness is the lack of subplots or deeper character arcs that could further enhance the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a missing child element to the murder investigation, adding a layer of complexity and uncertainty to the case.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene lacks a strong emotional impact, as the focus is primarily on the investigation and the external conflict. While there is potential for emotional depth in the story, it is not fully explored in this particular scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, realistic, and engaging. It effectively conveys information, establishes character dynamics, and creates tension. The dialogue also provides insights into the characters' personalities and motivations. The only minor weakness is the lack of emotional depth in the dialogue, as it primarily focuses on the investigation rather than exploring the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a crime investigation with a murder and a missing child. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and conflict, and progresses the investigation.


Critique
  • The scene is efficient and effectively establishes the crime and the detectives' investigation. However, it could benefit from more vivid descriptions and sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion and connection to the characters and the setting.
  • Consider adding specific descriptions of the street, the sounds of the city, and the detectives' physical appearance and demeanor. These details can help ground the scene and make it more memorable.
  • The dialogue could be more dynamic and revealing. The detectives' conversation is functional but lacks the tension and urgency that would be expected given the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider adding more emotional subtext to the dialogue and exploring the characters' thoughts and feelings as they process the crime scene and make decisions.
  • The scene's pacing could be improved by varying the length and structure of the sentences. The current prose is mostly short and declarative, which can make the scene feel choppy and lacking in flow.
  • Try experimenting with longer, more descriptive sentences to create a more immersive and engaging reading experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider using more figurative language, such as similes and metaphors, to paint a more vivid picture of the scene and characters.
  • Add sensory details to engage the reader's senses and create a more immersive experience. Describe the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures that the detectives encounter.
  • Expand the dialogue to give the detectives more depth and personality. Let them express their thoughts, feelings, and motivations more explicitly.
  • Vary the sentence structure and length to create a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or introspection for one of the detectives, allowing the reader to connect with their emotional state and motivations.



Scene 3 -  Race Against Time: Uncovering Evidence
INT. BODEGA STORE ROOM – LATER

Wheeler and Holloway stare at a cheap TV hooked to a VCR.
They’re surrounded by liquor, scratch-off cards, old
Playboys. No one grows up dreaming of opening a place like
this – except for maybe this SHOPKEEPER, a 40-something
slimeball nervously biting his fingernails.

SHOPKEEPER
Can’t you take it to the station?

HOLLOWAY
We'll be taking it.

SHOPKEEPER
I mean now. Every minute you’re in
here I’m losing business.

HOLLOWAY
Hey, there's a guy with half his head
blown off less than a block from
here. Some monster’s taken a goddamn
girl. Her minutes are more important
than your minutes.

Wheeler's eyes are focused on the TV. The passing cars are
blurry, the angle's too high.

HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
No way we’re getting plates.

WHEELER
Bag up the tape. Get it to Marty. We
need to at least SWAG the makes…

Something on the screen catches her eye.

WHEELER (CONTD)
Stop. Rewind.

Holloway hits the rewind button.

SHOPKEEPER
Tick tick. No ring-ring on the
register. You gonna pay for this?

HOLLOWAY
Let me see your liquor license.

The shopkeeper blanches.
5.


SHOPKEEPER
You're not from the ABC.

HOLLOWAY
Now.

The shopkeeper vanishes from the doorway, no idea if they’re
authorized to do this or not.

WHEELER
Pause it.

The screen freezes. Wheeler squints. She taps the TV.

WHEELER (CONTD)
There. White 2014 Honda Civic.

HOLLOWAY
And?

WHEELER
Damage to the rear driver's side
panel by the tire well. See the
license plate? Covered in mud.

HOLLOWAY
Where you going with this?

WHEELER
You remember Rosa Martinez? Seven
years old, disappeared from Vermont
Vista in March of '17. A white 2014
Civic was caught on camera in the
area. Rear panel damage. Mud on the
plate.

HOLLOWAY
When's the last time you got your
shoes muddy in L.A.? You think he's
hiding his plates?

Wheeler’s already ejecting the video cassette, heading out
the door, through the bodega…

SHOPKEEPER
Funny thing. I can't seem to find
that license. Can I fax you...

But Wheeler’s past him, into the street, shouldering through
a gathering crowd of protesters.
6.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Detectives Wheeler and Holloway investigate a kidnapping by reviewing liquor store surveillance footage, spotting a suspicious white 2014 Honda Civic with damage and mud on the license plate. The shopkeeper resists giving them the videotape, but the detectives insist, believing it to be crucial evidence. The scene is filled with tension, and Wheeler notices details linking the car to a previous kidnapping case. The dimly lit liquor store and the urgency of the situation create a suspenseful and dramatic atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Intriguing twist
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and raises the stakes for the story. The dialogue is sharp and intense, and the tension is palpable. The scene also introduces a potential twist by connecting the current case to a previous unsolved one. The only minor weakness is the lack of character development in this particular scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing girl and a murder investigation is a familiar one in crime thrillers. However, the scene adds a twist by connecting the current case to a previous unsolved one, creating intrigue and raising the stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-crafted and engaging. The scene introduces the central conflict of the missing girl and murder investigation, and sets up potential leads and connections. The pacing is tight, and the scene moves the story forward effectively.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of solving a crime and finding a missing person is familiar, the specific details and dialogue add a fresh approach to the genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the scene focuses more on the investigation and the crime, it provides some insight into the personalities of Detectives Wheeler and Holloway. Wheeler is determined and observant, while Holloway is assertive and no-nonsense. However, there is limited character development in this particular scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene. The focus is more on the investigation and the unfolding events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve a crime and find a missing girl. This reflects their desire for justice and their fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence and find clues about the suspect's identity. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the crime and bringing the perpetrator to justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the detectives facing the challenge of solving a murder and finding a missing girl. The tension is further heightened by the time pressure and the shopkeeper's resistance.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance from the shopkeeper and encounters obstacles in their investigation. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene, with a murder and a missing girl. The urgency and gravity of the situation create a sense of high stakes.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict, establishing potential leads, and raising the stakes. It sets the stage for the investigation and the search for the missing girl.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information and clues that the audience may not have expected. The actions and decisions of the characters also add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of urgency and concern for the missing girl. The detectives' determination and the gravity of the crime create an emotional impact. However, there is limited emotional depth in this particular scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and realistic. It effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation. The exchanges between the detectives and the shopkeeper are particularly engaging.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling mystery and raises questions about the missing girl and the suspect. The dialogue and actions of the characters also create tension and suspense.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The dialogue and actions are well-timed and create a rhythm that drives the scene forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the conflict, and progresses the plot.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more context and detail to the setting.
  • The characters are well-developed and believable, but their motivations could be explored in more depth.
  • The dialogue is natural and realistic, but it could be more concise and to the point.
  • The pacing is good, but it could be slowed down in some places to build suspense.
Suggestions
  • Add more descriptive details to the setting, such as the type of store, the time of day, and the weather conditions.
  • Expand on the characters' backstories and motivations to make them more relatable and interesting.
  • Trim down some of the dialogue to make it more concise and to the point.
  • Add some pauses and silences to the dialogue to build suspense and tension.



Scene 4 -  Impulsive Pursuit: A Young Girl in Peril
INT/EXT. – UNMARKED CRUISER – LATER

Wheeler and Holloway's unmarked cruiser speeds through
nighttime LA. Wheeler drives, her eyes dancing with thought.

A talk show spills from the radio -

HOST (V.O.)
Come on, Larry! America has the most
well-funded police forces in the
world, and it has by far the highest
crime rates.

Wheeler reaches for a pack of cigarettes on the dash.

HOLLOWAY
So we see how many 2014 Civics in the
state. Run them against Studdebaker's
offender's list.

Wheeler grabs a smoke, lights it, takes a deep drag...

WHEELER
Then Lucia Reyes is dead. If this
guy's a serial abductor, he's not
keeping them alive. Running thousands
of registrations will...

HOST (V.O)
And yet the police force accounts for
over half the city budget!

Wheeler's face clouds with another thought.

WHEELER (CONTD)
Did you see the guy across the
street? In the...

The BUZZ of a phone interrupts her, rattling on the console.
The screen flashes 'Molly', with a pic of a smiling 33-year-
old woman with a happy 5-year-old kid. Wheeler ignores it,
pulls the cruiser up to a red light at an intersection.

HOST (V.O.)
...where unemployment among black men
is over 50%! Now, you redirect some
of that $1.2 billion police budget
into a jobs program, that's what we
mean when we say 'Defund...

Holloway punches the scan button on the car radio.
7.


HOLLOWAY
Dodgers game on? They got a new
center fielder.

Wheeler's not listening, she's looking past him -

HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
Dixon Tyler. Total phenom. Hit a
walk-off homer last night on the
first pitch he saw in the majors.

He catches Wheeler's stare, turns to look out his window...

A car idles in traffic a block west - A WHITE 2014 HONDA
CIVIC, damage to the rear driver's side panel

HOLLOWAY (CONTD) (cont'd)
You think?

She does. Wheeler stomps on the gas...spins the wheel...
lurches across a lane of oncoming traffic and down a narrow
alley...emerging in front of a SCREECHING BMW.

She guns the cruiser around a bus, weaving in and out. The
Civic appears ahead of them. Wheeler pulls around a limo,
moves behind the Civic - spots its muddy license plate.

Holloway grabs the police radio.

HOLLOWAY
Adam Five, code eight. We have a 10-
37 heading west on San Pedro. White
2014 Honda Civic. Plates not
identifiable. Request assistance...

DISPATCH
Copy that.

A FIGURE SUDDENLY SNAPS UP IN THE REAR WINDOW OF THE CIVIC:
a 7-year-old girl, gagged and blindfolded - ghostly in the
cruiser's headlights. Even in LA this is terrifying.

She raises her hands - bound with duct tape - BANGS
desperately on the rear window.

HOLLOWAY
Jesus!

Wheeler lights up the cruiser...a siren BLARES...

WHEELER
(into police radio)
Code Three, we're in pursuit of...
8.


DISPATCH
Negative, Adam Five, do not pursue.
CHP is 20 seconds away...

The Civic accelerates, screeching into a narrow alley as the
cruiser speeds past.

Wheeler yanks the wheel... barreling down the next block...
a hard right... circling back at 80 MPH.

DISPATCH (cont'd)
Adam Five, do you copy? Do not
pursue.

The cruiser tears through the Wholesale District, an
arsonist's playground of cinder-block warehouses and
corrugated metal. The Civic is gone.

Wheeler turns right onto a desolate, weed-choked strip...

And then left, into the deep shadows of a gas silo,
sideswiping a trash barrel.

The cruiser roars out of the darkness into the blaze of
streetlights - the concrete shores of the Los Angeles
River - before emerging right behind the Civic.

A SUDDEN GUNSHOT AND FLASH OF LIGHT FROM THE CIVIC - the
door swings open and the GIRL TUMBLES OUT.

There's no way the cruiser can stop.

Wheeler leans into the steering wheel with all of her
weight. The car SQUEALS past the girl, the wind from the
tires ruffling her hair, careening past a teddy bear that's
fallen out, flipping over the embankment, into the barren LA
River, a ball of flame blooming from the car, swallowing it.

Fire... smoke...

Wheeler crawls out, stumbles through flaming oil puddles,
falls to her knees - in the smoke she sees the blindfolded
girl, her face bloody. Wheeler tries to take a step towards
her... collapses.

Above her, the sky fills with fireworks, the distant chants
of protests. Wheeler's eyes lock on the girl -

SHE'S NOT LUCIA REYES

Everything goes black.
9.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Determined detective Wheeler, against her partner Holloway's advice, disobeys orders to pursue a suspected serial abductor in a white 2014 Honda Civic. The chase ends with the cruiser crashing into the LA River and the girl, not Lucia Reyes, falling out of the car and getting injured. Wheeler collapses before reaching the injured girl, unable to save her in time.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Emotional impact
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and gripping, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense action, suspense, and emotional impact make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a race against time to save a kidnapped girl is a compelling and familiar one in the crime thriller genre. The scene executes this concept effectively with its high-stakes pursuit and intense action.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the detectives' pursuit of the kidnapper and their efforts to save the girl. It is fast-paced, filled with tension, and keeps the audience engaged throughout.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of a high-stakes pursuit and the inclusion of social commentary on police funding. The actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Detectives Wheeler and Holloway are well-developed and their dedication to their job is evident. Their actions and reactions in the scene showcase their determination and bravery.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not much character development in this particular scene, it showcases the unwavering determination and bravery of the detectives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to catch a serial abductor and save potential victims. This reflects her deeper need to protect and serve the community, as well as her fear of failing to prevent harm.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to pursue and apprehend a suspect driving a white Honda Civic. This reflects the immediate challenge of stopping a dangerous criminal and preventing further harm to potential victims.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the pursuit of the kidnapper) and internal (the detectives' struggle to save the girl in time). The high stakes and intense action create a sense of constant tension and conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces obstacles such as traffic, radio communication, and the limitations of her own vehicle. The audience is unsure of how the pursuit will go and if the protagonist will be successful.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as the detectives race against time to save a kidnapped girl. The intense action and suspense amplify the sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing the location of the kidnapped girl and the detectives' pursuit of the kidnapper. It raises the stakes and intensifies the conflict.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the pursuit, such as the appearance of the kidnapped girl and the subsequent car crash.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the idea of defunding the police and the need for a well-funded police force to combat crime. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the importance of law enforcement and raises questions about the allocation of resources.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear and tension. The sight of the kidnapped girl and the detectives' desperate attempts to save her create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with the detectives exchanging brief but impactful lines.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the audience into a high-stakes situation and keeps them on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced action and suspense.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick cuts between action and dialogue, as well as the use of descriptive language, contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension and advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene is full of action but it is hard to follow. The reader is not able to keep up with what is happening.
  • The scene is very long and could be shortened to make it more effective.
  • The dialogue is not very believable and sounds forced.
  • The characters are not well-developed and the reader does not care about them.
  • The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene later, after the chase has already begun. This will help to create a sense of urgency and excitement.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more believable and natural.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Add a twist to the plot to make it more interesting.



Scene 5 -  Desperate Search in the Dead of Night
INT. MEDICAL CENTER ROOM - NIGHT

Wheeler's eyes flutter open - milky, lost, searching... she
seems to be in a hospital room.

She's attached to a machine by tubes, wearing a heavy rubber
respirator. She motions to a NURSE, who lifts it off.

WHEELER
(Gasping)
Where's... where's the girl?

She sits up - sees the infusion pump, the tubes.

WHEELER (CONTD)
I have to get out of here. We need to
find Lucia before morning.

NURSE
Sorry?

WHEELER
Only 2% of abducted children make it
past the first 48 hours.

NURSE
Easy now, OK? We're going to get a
doctor and a transition specialist in
here to discuss your situation.

WHEELER
A transition special...

Wheeler notices a clock on the wall: 10:18.

WHEELER (CONTD)
Is that AM?! Goddamn it.

She swings her leg over the side of the bed to stand, but
wobbles, falls. Her legs are Jello.

The nurse bends over. Wheeler grabs her arm.

A familiar voice from a silhouette in the doorway...

HOLLOWAY (O.S.)
You look like hell.

Holloway emerges from the shadows. His hair is gray. He's 40
pounds heavier. His armpits are bathed in sweat, showing the
outline of a sleeveless tee under a cheap dress shirt. HE'S
64 YEARS OLD.

Off Wheeler's shocked look...
10.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Wheeler, disoriented and weak, wakes up in a hospital room after a long abduction case. She is determined to find Lucia, a girl she was trying to rescue, despite the nurse's attempts to calm her. The arrival of Holloway, now an overweight 64-year-old, adds to the tension and uncertainty in the room. With only 2% of abducted children surviving past the first 48 hours, the clock is ticking, and the stakes are high.
Strengths
  • Intense chase scene
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character changes could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency and desperation. The intense chase and the detective's determination to find the missing girl create a gripping atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detective pursuing a missing girl while dealing with personal and physical challenges is compelling and keeps the audience invested.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with tension. The chase and the detective's refusal to give up create a sense of urgency and drive the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist waking up in a hospital room is familiar, the specific details and the protagonist's goal of finding an abducted child add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially Detective Wheeler, who is determined and willing to go against orders to find the missing girl. Holloway's appearance adds an unexpected twist.

Character Changes: 7

Detective Wheeler experiences physical and emotional challenges, which may lead to character growth. However, it could be further explored in subsequent scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find the girl named Lucia before morning. This reflects her deeper need to protect and save the abducted child, as well as her fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get out of the hospital room. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being in an unfamiliar and potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the detective pursuing the abductor and facing physical and emotional challenges. The chase scene and the crash add to the intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the obstacle of being in a weakened state in a hospital room. The audience doesn't know how she will overcome this obstacle and find the abducted child.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, as the detective's actions may determine the fate of a missing girl. The chase and the crash increase the sense of danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new information, escalating the conflict, and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will find the abducted child or what obstacles she will face in her search.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes anxiety and desperation, as the audience is invested in finding the missing girl. The crash and the injured girl increase the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and determination of the characters. However, there could be more memorable and impactful lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a mystery and a sense of urgency. The protagonist's goal of finding the abducted child creates tension and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by quickly establishing the setting and the protagonist's goals. The dialogue and actions are concise and keep the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and introduces a new character.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It is not clear what the characters are trying to accomplish or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It does not sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not know anything about them or their motivations.
  • The scene is too short. It does not give the audience enough time to get to know the characters or the situation.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear purpose to the scene. What are the characters trying to accomplish? What is the conflict?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Expand the scene to give the audience more time to get to know the characters and the situation.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and give the audience some closure.



Scene 6 -  Escape from a 20-Year Coma
INT. MEDICAL CENTER ROOM - LATER

Holloway stands at the foot of Wheeler's bed as the nurse
heads out of the room. The second she's gone he leans over
and starts unplugging Wheeler's tubes.

HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
We're cutting bait. They're refusing
to release you until you've had weeks
of ethylene injections and psych
evaluations, but I need you now.

Holloway leans over, helps her up.


INT. MEDICAL CENTER HALLWAY - LATER

Wheeler's draped in Holloway's trench coat, her arm slung
around his shoulders as they stumble down the hall.

HOLLOWAY
I palmed the nurse's pass. Just...
try to stay inconspicuous.

WHEELER
What the hell is going on, Ben?

HOLLOWAY
You remember having an accident?

WHEELER
Of course. We...

HOLLOWAY
You suffered a grade one TBI. A
subdural hematoma, the cerebral
cortex more or less destroyed. You
were vegetative, doctors said you'd
be dead within the week.

Wheeler's eyes move to the ground as a DOCTOR passes.

HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
I had an old girlfriend from college,
a specialist in neural stem cell
research. She recommended you for
immediate entry into an experimental
stasis program. Thought they'd be
able to fix you in four or five
years.

They pass an observation window looking onto a vast room
filled with cylindrical tanks, in each one a SUSPENDED
BODY - comatose, damaged, waiting for a fix to be invented.
11.


HOLLOWAY (CONTD) (cont'd)
That was 20 years ago.

Wheeler coughs up something sickly, black...

HOLLOWAY (CONTD) (cont'd)
She was always late. It's why we
broke up.

They come to a bank of elevators. Holloway beeps the nurse's
card on an emergency door. He pulls Wheeler into a stairwell
just as the elevator DINGS open and STAFF pour out...


A STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

WHEELER
Where's Molly? Call my sister.

Holloway just looks at her. Shakes his head.

WHEELER (CONTD)
Why are you shaking your head, Ben?
Why are you shaking your head!

As they move down the stairs Holloway pushes open a door...
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Holloway helps Wheeler escape from a medical center, revealing she has been in a coma for 20 years due to a traumatic brain injury. Holloway was her ex-girlfriend's research assistant and is determined to help her escape, despite the potential consequences. Wheeler is disoriented and confused, but follows Holloway's lead. The scene is tense and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency and desperation as they navigate the medical center and eventually escape through a stairwell. Wheeler is shown coughing up something black, possibly indicating the effects of the coma.
Strengths
  • Intense pacing
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. It reveals crucial information about the protagonist's past and introduces a mysterious experimental program. The dialogue and pacing are strong, creating a sense of urgency and intrigue.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of an experimental stasis program that can potentially revive damaged individuals after years is intriguing and adds a unique element to the story. It raises questions about the ethics and consequences of such a program.

    Plot: 9

    The plot in this scene is gripping and propels the story forward. It unveils important information about the protagonist's past and sets up a new direction for the investigation. The chase, the accident, and the revelation of the experimental program create a strong narrative arc.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character waking up in a medical center and discovering they have been in stasis is not entirely unique, the specific details and the use of the experimental stasis program add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in this scene, particularly Wheeler and Holloway, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue reflect their personalities. Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and Holloway's loyalty and resourcefulness make them compelling characters.

    Character Changes: 8

    Wheeler undergoes a significant change in this scene as she wakes up after 20 years in the experimental program. She is disoriented and determined to find Lucia, showcasing her resilience and unwavering commitment.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what has happened to them and why they are in the medical center. It reflects their deeper need for answers and their fear of the unknown.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the medical center with the help of Holloway. It reflects the immediate circumstances of being trapped and the challenge of avoiding detection.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered. There is the external conflict of Wheeler and Holloway trying to uncover the truth and find Lucia, as well as the internal conflict within Wheeler as she grapples with her own past and the consequences of the experimental program.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of escaping from the medical center while avoiding detection. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this obstacle.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in this scene are incredibly high. Lucia is missing, Wheeler is determined to find her, and the revelation of the experimental program adds a layer of danger and uncertainty. The potential consequences of the program and the urgency to find Lucia create a sense of high stakes.

    Story Forward: 9

    This scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the protagonist's past and introducing the experimental program. It sets up new challenges and motivations for the characters, propelling the narrative.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the experimental stasis program and the protagonist's long period of unconsciousness. The audience is unsure of what will happen next and how the protagonist will react.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly anxiety and concern for Lucia's safety. Wheeler's determination and vulnerability, as well as the revelation of her past, add depth and emotional resonance.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in this scene is sharp and impactful. It reveals crucial information about the protagonist's past and the experimental program. The exchanges between Wheeler and Holloway are filled with tension and emotion.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's situation. The dialogue and actions create tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the audience engaged. The actions and dialogue are well-paced, creating a sense of urgency and tension.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


    Critique
    • This scene starts with a bang and has a lot of potential, but it quickly becomes confusing and hard to follow. Some of the dialogue is also a bit clunky and unnatural. Here are a few specific critiques:
    • It's not clear why Holloway is unplugging Wheeler's tubes and helping her escape from the hospital. He says that they're "cutting bait," but it's not clear what that means or why they need to do it. It would be helpful to provide more context and explanation here.
    • The dialogue between Wheeler and Holloway is a bit stilted and unnatural. For example, when Wheeler asks what's going on, Holloway responds with a long and somewhat confusing explanation about her accident and the stasis program. It would be more effective to break this information up into smaller, more manageable pieces.
    • The scene jumps around a lot and it's hard to keep track of what's happening. For example, Wheeler and Holloway are in the medical center room, then they're in the hallway, then they're in the stairwell. It would be helpful to use scene breaks to indicate these different locations and make the scene easier to follow.
    • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and leaves the reader with a lot of unanswered questions. For example, it's not clear where Wheeler and Holloway are going or what they plan to do next. It would be helpful to provide more information about their destination and their goals.
    • Overall, this scene has a lot of potential, but it needs to be reworked to make it more clear, concise, and engaging.
    Suggestions
    • Add more context and explanation about why Holloway is unplugging Wheeler's tubes and helping her escape from the hospital. For example, you could have Holloway say something like, "We need to get out of here before they realize we're gone. They're not going to let you leave until you've had weeks of ethylene injections and psych evaluations, and we don't have time for that."
    • Break up the dialogue between Wheeler and Holloway into smaller, more manageable pieces. For example, instead of having Holloway give a long explanation about Wheeler's accident and the stasis program, you could have him say something like, "You had an accident. You were in a coma for 20 years. I had you put into an experimental stasis program. They thought they could fix you, but they were wrong."
    • Use scene breaks to indicate the different locations in the scene. For example, you could have a scene break between the medical center room and the hallway, and another scene break between the hallway and the stairwell.
    • Provide more information about Wheeler and Holloway's destination and their goals. For example, you could have Holloway say something like, "We're going to my apartment. I have some things I need to show you."
    • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it less abrupt and more engaging. For example, you could have Wheeler and Holloway arrive at Holloway's apartment and then have Holloway say something like, "Here we are. This is where I've been living. I have a lot to tell you."



    Scene 7 -  Wheeler's Distress in the Hallway
    INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

    They limp down another hall, moving slowly through the
    antiseptic, colorless world.

    HOLLOWAY
    After your accident Molly got a job
    at UPS, but it didn't stick. Sam had
    problems at school. Cover your eyes.

    They both obscure their eyes as they move below a 360-degree
    rotating camera.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    I did what I could to help. She held
    on for five years, but eventually she
    moved back to Missouri.

    WHEELER
    (distraught)
    They went back to Carruthersville?

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    And then... The Event happened.

    A SECURITY GUARD passes, eying them with suspicion.
    12.


    WHEELER
    The Event?

    HOLLOWAY
    A magnitude 9 earthquake on the New
    Madrid fault line. 2031. Everyone
    knows someone who lost someone.
    Evansville is a ghost town. St Louis
    is underwater.

    Wheeler closes her eyes, trying to process what Holloway is
    telling her. Holloway leans over, shoves open another
    emergency door, an alarm RINGING.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    I'm so sorry, Rae.

    Wheeler leans on Holloway, steadies herself -

    Then vomits all over the stairwell.
    Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

    Summary In this scene, Holloway and Wheeler walk through a colorless and antiseptic hallway. Holloway shares information about Molly's job at UPS and her eventual move back to Missouri, as well as 'The Event,' a devastating magnitude 9 earthquake on the New Madrid fault line in 2031. Wheeler becomes distraught and leans on Holloway for support, eventually vomiting in the stairwell. The conflict in this scene arises from Wheeler's distress, and the tone is somber and distressing.
    Strengths
    • Suspenseful plot
    • Emotional impact
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Limited description of setting

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively creates a sense of suspense and intrigue with its unique elements and reveals. The emotional impact is high, and the conflict level is intense. The dialogue is engaging and helps to move the plot forward. The scene also introduces important themes of loss and survival.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of a character waking up from a 20-year coma in a post-apocalyptic world is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The time jump and the unexpected character reunion add further interest to the scene.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is gripping and filled with suspense. The scene reveals important information about the protagonist's past and sets up the search for Lucia Reyes. The pursuit of the white Honda Civic adds tension and raises the stakes.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the post-apocalyptic setting and the aftermath of a natural disaster are familiar elements, the specific details and the emotional depth of the characters' reactions add authenticity and freshness to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-developed and their emotions are effectively portrayed. Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and her emotional distress create empathy. Holloway's role as a supportive friend adds depth to their relationship.

    Character Changes: 8

    Wheeler undergoes a significant change as she wakes up from a coma and realizes the world has drastically changed. Her determination to find Lucia shows her growth and resilience.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to process and come to terms with the devastating events that have occurred, including the loss of loved ones and the destruction caused by the earthquake. This reflects their deeper need for understanding, acceptance, and emotional healing.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate through the hallway and reach their destination. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of their journey and the challenges they face in a post-apocalyptic world.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict level is high, with the protagonist waking up from a coma in a post-apocalyptic world and searching for a missing girl. The pursuit of the white Honda Civic adds further tension and danger.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters face the challenges of navigating through a devastated world and processing the emotional impact of the earthquake. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as Wheeler wakes up from a coma in a post-apocalyptic world and searches for a missing girl. The pursuit of the white Honda Civic adds danger and urgency to the situation.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the protagonist's past and setting up the search for Lucia Reyes. The pursuit of the white Honda Civic adds further momentum to the plot.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the earthquake and the characters' reactions to the events. The audience is left wondering about the future and the consequences of the earthquake.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the power of resilience and hope in the face of tragedy, and the harsh reality of the devastation caused by the earthquake. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs, values, and worldview.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Wheeler's distress and determination to find Lucia. The post-apocalyptic setting and the mention of the earthquake add to the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is realistic and helps to reveal important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling conflict, creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, and evokes strong emotions in the audience.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue and narrative description are concise and propel the scene forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and presents the conflict and emotional journey.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is too expository and lacks subtext. It feels like the characters are simply delivering information to each other, rather than having a real conversation.
    • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what they're struggling with.
    • The pacing is too slow. The scene could be tightened up by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • The characters are not well-developed. The audience doesn't get a sense of who they are or what they're like.
    • The setting is not well-described. The audience doesn't get a clear sense of where the characters are or what the environment is like.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and subtextual. Have the characters talk about their feelings and motivations, rather than simply stating facts.
    • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene. What are the characters trying to achieve? What are they struggling with?
    • Tighten up the pacing by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and backstory.
    • Describe the setting in more detail to help the audience visualize the scene.



    Scene 8 -  A Drive Through a Futuristic City: Confronting the Past and the Unknown
    INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER

    Holloway presses a button on his key fob and a battered
    self-driving car glides up, its doors sliding open.


    INT./EXT. HOLLOWAY'S CAR - NIGHT

    Wheeler leans against the window, catches her confused
    reflection - she looks the same as she did 20 years ago.

    The car drifts through the city, Wheeler's ghostly
    reflection floating over neon signs flickering in deep
    pockets of darkness... the shadows of palm trees... a lone
    white rhino in the brush... eerie phosphorescent swimming
    pools... the orange glow of wildfires beyond the horizon.

    HOLLOWAY
    Everything's changed. Policing,
    politics, people. They started de-
    extincting species. Got woolly
    mammoths roaming the old
    Bloomingdales in Koreatown now. The
    food is terrible - the gamma
    radiation is even worse. They say
    that someone's already been born who
    will live forever.

    WHEELER
    Not if they live in Dolly Lake.

    Holloway raises an eyebrow.
    13.


    HOLLOWAY
    Downtown is filled with
    Neanderthals - actual Neanderthals.
    We thought it would be "educational"
    to learn about our ancestors. But
    their brains are tiny. Can't
    function, incredibly violent. Now
    they're stacked three to a room in
    the old Cecil, living off of
    government cheese. You won't believe
    who the Zodiac was, and the Dodgers -

    But Wheeler is somewhere else, in a long-gone place. Her
    eyes are cloudy, lost, hurt. Holloway takes stock.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    Sorry. I'm rambling. I just - I don't
    know the procedure here.

    WHEELER
    Let me at least have the Dodgers.

    Holloway nods, shuts up. The neon reflection of a bar dances
    in the dark sheen of the passenger window.

    WHEELER (cont'd)
    Salazar's is still open?

    Holloway smiles, recalling nights from decades ago.

    HOLLOWAY
    Still do a free hard-boiled egg with
    a shot of Chivas, any time of day.

    The awkward silence returns for a moment.

    WHEELER
    I appreciate you doing what you could
    for Molly. For Sam.

    HOLLOWAY
    Wish I could have done more. After
    the accident I got a settlement from
    the department. Between that and
    selling the house, I had enough for
    the monthly payments on your stasis.
    I do some private dick work - getting
    kids out of cults, insurance fraud.
    Enough to keep my head above water.

    Wheeler looks at him, shocked.
    14.


    WHEELER
    Ben, no. Why the hell would you do
    that?

    HOLLOWAY
    Murder police don’t quit on people.
    We see a speeding train with no
    brakes, what do we do?

    WHEELER
    We jump on.

    Holloway looks out at the neighborhood they used to police
    together. Gone are the fire-streaked tenements, the faded
    missing posters, the smoke-damaged chicken shacks.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    And we ride it to the end of the
    line.
    Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Sci-Fi"]

    Summary Holloway drives Wheeler through a futuristic city, giving her a glimpse of the world's significant changes since she was put into stasis. Wheeler, disoriented and lost in her thoughts, struggles to process the information. Holloway expresses his regret for not being able to help Wheeler and her family more. The conversation touches on extinct species, Neanderthals in the city, and the Zodiac killer. Wheeler thanks Holloway for paying for her stasis, which he explains as an act of a police officer who doesn't give up on people. The scene has a bittersweet tone, with moments of humor, nostalgia, sadness, and regret. The visuals include a vibrant, neon-lit futuristic city, self-driving cars, and wildfires on the horizon. The scene concludes with Holloway reflecting on the changes in the neighborhood they used to police together.
    Strengths
    • Strong emotional impact
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intriguing concept
    • Compelling characters
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character change in the scene
    • Some exposition-heavy dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively combines elements of crime, drama, and sci-fi genres, creating a dark and gritty tone. The dialogue and character interactions evoke strong emotions, particularly Wheeler's distress and Holloway's nostalgic reminiscing. The scene also introduces unique and intriguing elements such as de-extincted species and a stasis program, adding depth to the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of a future where de-extincted species roam the city, gamma radiation affects the food, and a stasis program exists is innovative and engaging. It adds a sci-fi element to the crime and drama narrative, making the story more intriguing and unique.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Wheeler and Holloway reconnecting after 20 years, discussing the changes in the city and their lives. It provides important backstory and character development, while also hinting at the larger story of a missing girl and the consequences of the earthquake. The plot is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic elements and de-extincted species add a fresh approach, the overall situation of characters reconnecting and reminiscing is familiar. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's authenticity.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Wheeler and Holloway are well-developed and their interactions are emotionally charged. Wheeler's distress and determination to find Lucia, as well as Holloway's loyalty and regret, make them compelling and relatable. Their dialogue and actions reveal their personalities and motivations effectively.

    Character Changes: 8

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for character growth and development in Wheeler and Holloway. Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and Holloway's loyalty and regret hint at possible changes in their actions and perspectives.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with Wheeler and apologize for his rambling. It reflects his need for connection and his fear of being misunderstood or rejected.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the conversation with Wheeler and find common ground. It reflects the immediate challenge of rebuilding their relationship and finding a way to communicate effectively.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Wheeler grapples with her disorientation and the changes in the world. There is also a hint of external conflict related to the missing girl case and the consequences of the earthquake. The conflict keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are some challenges in the conversation between the characters, it is not a major obstacle that creates high tension.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes in the scene are high, as Wheeler is determined to find Lucia and believes time is running out. The consequences of the earthquake and the potential danger posed by the de-extincted Neanderthals add to the sense of urgency and danger. The high stakes keep the audience invested in the story.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene provides important backstory and character development, deepening the audience's understanding of the world and the characters. It also hints at the larger story of the missing girl and the consequences of the earthquake. While it doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it sets up future events and keeps the audience engaged.

    Unpredictability: 5

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the characters' conversation takes unexpected turns and reveals new information about their past.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly Wheeler's distress and Holloway's nostalgic reminiscing. The audience can empathize with their feelings of loss, regret, and determination. The emotional impact adds depth and resonance to the scene.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in the scene is well-written and realistic. It effectively conveys the emotions and thoughts of the characters, while also providing important information about the world and their past. The dialogue flows naturally and adds depth to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it reveals the characters' history and emotions, creates a nostalgic atmosphere, and hints at a deeper connection between the characters.

    Pacing: 7

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and emotion, balanced with dialogue and action.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with a location description, introduces the characters, and progresses through their conversation.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction. It jumps between different topics and ideas without establishing a coherent narrative.
    • The dialogue is expository and lacks subtext. The characters simply state information to each other, rather than engaging in meaningful conversation.
    • The scene relies heavily on exposition to catch the audience up on events that have happened off-screen. This can be jarring and confusing for the audience.
    • The scene lacks tension and conflict. The characters are simply driving around and talking, with no real sense of danger or urgency.
    • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
    Suggestions
    • Give the scene a clear focus and direction. What is the main purpose of the scene? What do you want to achieve with it?
    • Write dialogue that is subtextual and reveals character. What are the characters really thinking and feeling? What are they not saying?
    • Use exposition sparingly and only when it is absolutely necessary. Trust the audience to be able to follow the story without being spoon-fed information.
    • Create tension and conflict by putting the characters in danger or making them face a difficult choice.
    • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful. Every line of dialogue should serve a purpose and advance the story.



    Scene 9 -  Investigating the Abduction in the Shipping Container Apartments
    EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - LATER

    The car glides to a stop in front of a tower block made of
    shipping containers clad in Russian logos. Holloway limps
    out, Wheeler wobbling behind him, still unsteady.

    Wheeler's eyes rise to the billboards stretching across the
    skyline - they appear to be made of human skin. Hairy.
    Sweating. Breathing. Sickly.

    HOLLOWAY
    (off Wheeler's look)
    Anti-malaria-28 billboards - attract
    mosquitoes. Trap 'em before they get
    to Beverly Hills. Gotta protect the
    tax base.

    Holloway presses a sensor and the door slides open.

    HOLLOWAY (cont'd)
    Which reminds me. You hear a siren,
    get inside FAST. Only happens maybe
    once every year, but those mosquitoes
    are no joke.


    INT. HALLWAY - LATER

    The pair trudge down a narrow hallway - burnt out lights,
    piss-stained carpet, Russian trap music blaring from behind
    scarred doors. Wheeler stops dead.
    15.


    WHEELER
    The accident. What about the girl in
    the road, was she OK?

    HOLLOWAY
    Anna Lozano. Was abducted from her
    bedroom six days earlier.

    FLASH: Anna Lozano lies in bed, clutching her bear. She
    turns to see a DARK FIGURE in a ski mask looming over her.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    We think he was planning to hit the
    Imperial Highway towards the Basin.
    Kill Lozano and dump her in the pits.
    The entrance ramp was closed by the
    protests, so he circled back. It was
    pure luck that we -

    WHEELER
    Who was he?

    HOLLOWAY
    Your guess is as good as mine. CHIP
    found the Civic burning in the
    Mojave. All ID marks scrubbed.

    FLASH: TWO HIGHWAY PATROLMEN stand in front of a flaming car
    in the desert.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    He kept her blindfolded. She never
    saw his face, never knew where she
    was.

    WHEELER
    What about Sixto? And Lucia Reyes?

    Holloway stops outside a door. Presses his finger on a small
    pad. CLICK. The door opens.

    HOLLOWAY
    That's why I needed you now, partner.
    The past isn't through with us yet.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Holloway and Wheeler enter a shipping container apartment building, where they discuss the ongoing investigation of the abducted girl, Anna Lozano. Holloway reveals that the girl was kidnapped six days ago and likely intended to be killed and discarded in the pits. The abductor kept her blindfolded, preventing her from identifying him. The scene suggests a connection between this case and past cases, including Sixto and Lucia Reyes. The tone is serious and ominous, with visual elements such as billboards made of human skin and a run-down building adding to the unsettling atmosphere. The scene ends with Holloway opening a door, indicating that the investigation is set to continue.
    Strengths
    • Engaging plot
    • Well-developed characters
    • Suspenseful tone
    • Intriguing concept
    Weaknesses
    • None identified

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively combines elements of crime, mystery, and thriller genres to create a dark and suspenseful tone. The sentiment of the characters adds to the emotional impact of the scene. The unique elements of the futuristic city and the revelation of the coma add intrigue and depth to the plot. The scene is well-written and engaging, keeping the audience hooked.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of investigating missing girls and the revelation of a 20-year coma are intriguing and unique. The futuristic city with human skin billboards adds a distinctive and unsettling element to the scene. The concept is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the investigation of missing girls and the revelation of a 20-year coma. The pacing is well-maintained, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events. The plot moves the story forward and introduces new elements that add to the overall intrigue.

    Originality: 9

    The level of originality in this scene is high. The unique physical characteristics of the world, such as the apartment block made of shipping containers and the billboards made of human skin, create a fresh and distinctive setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the mystery and tension of the scene. The writer's originality is evident in their ability to create a dystopian world with its own set of rules and challenges.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, particularly Wheeler and Holloway, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and adds depth to their interactions. The characters are relatable and their actions drive the plot forward.

    Character Changes: 8

    The character of Wheeler undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from confusion and disorientation to determination and a desire to find Lucia. This change adds depth to the character and sets up her arc for the rest of the story.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the abduction of Anna Lozano and the identity of the person responsible. This reflects their deeper need for justice and closure, as well as their fear of the unknown and desire for answers.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to enlist the help of their partner in solving the case and continuing their investigation. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their pursuit of justice.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is intense and suspenseful. The investigation of missing girls and the revelation of the 20-year coma create a sense of urgency and danger. The conflict between the characters and their internal struggles adds emotional depth to the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of solving a mysterious abduction case and uncovering the identity of the perpetrator. The reader is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this obstacle and is invested in their journey.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes in the scene are high, with the investigation of missing girls and the revelation of the 20-year coma. The characters' lives and the resolution of the case are at stake. The high stakes add tension and urgency to the scene.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the investigation and the characters' pasts. It introduces new elements that add intrigue and depth to the overall plot. The scene keeps the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious abduction case and raises questions about the identity of the perpetrator. The reader is unsure of what will happen next and is left wanting to know more. The unexpected elements, such as the billboards made of human skin, add to the unpredictability and intrigue of the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of uncovering the truth and seeking justice, and the antagonist's belief in covering their tracks and evading capture. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they are faced with the moral dilemma of how far they are willing to go to achieve their goals.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene has a high emotional impact, with the characters experiencing distress, confusion, and concern. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotions and becomes invested in their journey. The emotional impact adds depth and intensity to the scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is well-written and realistic. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. The dialogue also reveals important information about the investigation and the characters' pasts. The dialogue adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a compelling mystery and raises questions that hook the reader's interest. The vivid and atmospheric descriptions create a sense of tension and intrigue, while the sharp and concise dialogue reveals important information and develops the characters. The reader is drawn into the world of the story and invested in the protagonist's journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing the exposition, dialogue, and action. The scene moves at a steady pace, providing necessary information while maintaining a sense of tension and mystery. The reader is engaged and eager to continue reading.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow. The writer effectively uses formatting techniques, such as flashbacks and visual descriptions, to enhance the reader's understanding and immersion in the scene.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior location and then transitions to an interior location, effectively establishing the setting and introducing the characters. The dialogue and action are well-paced, providing necessary information while maintaining a sense of tension and mystery.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear narrative structure and direction. It begins with an exposition about the apartment building and the anti-malaria billboards, but this information is not directly relevant to the main plot and does not contribute to the advancement of the story.
    • The dialogue between Holloway and Wheeler is functional but lacks depth and emotional resonance. The characters' motivations and feelings are not fully explored, making it difficult for the reader to connect with them.
    • The scene relies heavily on exposition, with Holloway providing information about Anna Lozano's kidnapping and the lack of evidence in the Sixto and Lucia Reyes case. While exposition is sometimes necessary, it should be used sparingly and integrated into the story in a way that is both engaging and relevant.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The revelation that the past is not through with Holloway and Wheeler feels like a forced attempt to create suspense without providing a clear indication of what is to come.
    Suggestions
    • Consider restructuring the scene to give it a clearer narrative arc. Start with a hook that draws the reader in and then gradually introduce the exposition and character development.
    • Expand on the dialogue between Holloway and Wheeler. Give them more depth and personality, and explore their motivations and feelings more fully. This will help the reader connect with the characters and invest in their journey.
    • Weave the exposition more seamlessly into the story. Instead of having Holloway simply provide information, find ways to incorporate it into the action or dialogue in a way that is both natural and engaging.
    • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. Provide a stronger indication of what is to come, and leave the reader with a sense of anticipation and excitement.



    Scene 10 -  Holloway's Grief and the Search for Answers
    INT. HOLLOWAY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

    A decrepit studio: takeaway boxes and old scratch-off cards.
    A stained sofa with a shopping bag on it.
    16.


    HOLLOWAY
    The sofa's all yours. And I picked up
    some clothes for you down on
    Santee's. Mi casa, su casa.

    Wheeler takes in the scene, confused...

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    Natalie left me twelve years ago.

    WHEELER
    Christ.

    Holloway waves it off, steps into the kitchen area, grabs a
    bottle of beer from a nearly empty fridge.

    HOLLOWAY
    I was studying criminal justice at
    UCLA when we met. Then I was a beat
    cop. Then I made detective.

    He puts the beer in front of a smart beer opener.

    BEER OPENER
    I'm sorry. You have no credits left.
    Please visit your account...

    HOLLOWAY
    (muttering)
    Goddamn on-demand everything.

    He tosses the unopened beer in the sink, frustrated.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    Then I was working at Home Depot, had
    a bad leg, and sold our house. I was
    the train with no brakes - Natalie
    jumped off before the cliff.

    Wheeler notices a wall littered with tacked-up pictures of
    Lucia, cut-out articles, photos of missing kids.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD) (cont'd)
    Other PIs keep their notes in the
    cloud, in unmarked data centers in
    Bavaria or Romania. I'm old-school.

    Wheeler leans in and examines an article from La Opinión,
    the biggest Spanish-language paper in LA.

    INSERT: HEADLINE: Hombre detenido por homicidio de niña de 6
    años
    17.


    There's the pic of Lucia that was on Sixto's phone, and
    below it a photo of CASPER NORWOOD, an obese 23-year-old.

    Holloway stands over an open bottle in the kitchen area. He
    polishes two glasses on his shirt, fills them with liquor.

    HOLLOWAY
    It'll have to be the hard stuff.

    Wheeler studies Casper Norwood's eyes in the article.

    WHEELER
    You got him.

    Holloway steps next to her, eying the newspaper. He hands
    her the glass, drinks his in a gulp.

    HOLLOWAY
    Let's grab something to eat.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

    Summary Holloway, a private investigator still grieving the loss of his wife and struggling to come to terms with the fact that he was unable to protect his daughter, offers Wheeler his sofa and tells her about his past. They discuss the man who killed Lucia, Casper Norwood, and Wheeler notices Holloway's old-school notes on the wall. Despite his alcoholism and grief, Holloway decides to grab something to eat with Wheeler.
    Strengths
    • Revealing new information
    • Deepening emotional connection between characters
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Moments of confusion
    • Pacing could be improved

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively conveys the emotional state of the characters and provides important exposition. The dialogue is engaging and reveals key information about the past and present. However, there are some moments of confusion and the pacing could be improved.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of a character waking up after a 20-year coma and discovering a changed world is intriguing. The introduction of a futuristic setting and the mention of a larger conspiracy add depth to the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Holloway reveals new information about the past and the current case. The scene also sets up future conflicts and raises questions about the connection between different cases.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the physical setting of a messy apartment is not unique, the specific details and dialogue contribute to a fresh and authentic portrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and realistic.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The scene delves into the emotional state of Wheeler and Holloway, deepening their connection and revealing their personal struggles. Their dialogue and actions are consistent with their established personalities.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the emotional state of the characters and sets the stage for potential character growth and development in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to share his past with Wheeler and establish a connection with her. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and understanding, as well as his fear of being alone.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the case of Casper Norwood and find evidence to prove his guilt. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing as a private investigator.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily internal conflicts within the characters. The mention of the larger conspiracy and the connection between different cases also hints at future conflicts.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no significant obstacle or conflict, the mention of Casper Norwood and the protagonist's determination to solve the case create a sense of opposition and challenge.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Wheeler is determined to find Lucia and time is running out. The mention of a larger conspiracy and the potential danger posed by the abductor add to the stakes.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene provides important exposition, reveals new information, and sets up future conflicts. It moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connection between the characters and introducing new elements of the mystery.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the protagonist's past and raises questions about the case of Casper Norwood. The audience is left wondering what will happen next and how the characters will navigate the investigation.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including confusion, distress, and frustration. The revelation of new information and the deepening of the emotional connection between the characters contribute to the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and thoughts of the characters. It provides important exposition and reveals key information about the past and present. However, there are moments of confusion and the pacing could be improved.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it introduces the protagonist's backstory and establishes a sense of mystery and intrigue with the mention of Casper Norwood. The dialogue and descriptive details keep the reader interested in the characters and their motivations.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually revealing information about the protagonist's past and building suspense with the mention of Casper Norwood. The dialogue and descriptive details are paced in a way that keeps the reader engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' relationship, and provides exposition through dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene's focus is on Holloway's apartment and his past, but the transition from the previous scene is abrupt and lacks a clear connection.
    • The dialogue in the scene is heavy on exposition, with Holloway providing Wheeler with a lot of information about his past and the case. This can be overwhelming and may slow down the pacing of the scene.
    • The scene's setting is a bit cluttered and could benefit from more specific details that help to establish the environment and create a stronger sense of place.
    • The emotional connection between Wheeler and Holloway is not fully developed in this scene. While Holloway expresses his regret for not being able to do more to help Wheeler and her family, Wheeler's response is limited to a simple 'Christ.' This could be expanded upon to create a more emotional and impactful moment.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding a transition from the previous scene that establishes the connection between Holloway's past and the current investigation.
    • Break up the exposition with more dialogue and action that help to move the story forward.
    • Add more specific details to the setting that help to establish the environment and create a stronger sense of place.
    • Develop the emotional connection between Wheeler and Holloway by having Wheeler express her feelings more fully and allowing the two characters to connect on a deeper level.



    Scene 11 -  Race Against Time: Uncovering the Truth
    EXT. LI'S SUPPER CLUB - NIGHT

    Wheeler and Holloway hobble through a parking lot towards a
    neon-soaked diner: Li's Supper Club.


    INT. LI'S SUPPER CLUB - CONTINUOUS

    The pair sit in a booth, working on protein burgers.

    HOLLOWAY
    Norwood was found through
    Studdebaker's door-knocking, if you
    can believe it. Two previous
    convictions for peeping. A couple
    neighbors mentioned his name, said he
    creeped them out. So Studdebaker
    visited the apartment Norwood shared
    with his mom, and get this - the
    bathroom looked right down into
    Lucia's bedroom.

    Wheeler shakes her head. Grim.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    You could see an imprint of his nose
    in the screen, from where he watched
    her every day. Obsessed.

    WHEELER
    Physical evidence?
    18.


    Wheeler takes a big bite of her burger, looks down to see
    insect legs sticking out - grimaces.

    HOLLOWAY
    They got a confession.

    WHEELER
    Who interviewed him?

    HOLLOWAY
    Studdebaker.

    Wheeler stops chewing.

    WHEELER
    Studdebaker's not a detective.

    HOLLOWAY
    No, he's not. And Norwood has the
    mental capacity of a 10-year-old. He
    would've confessed to being the Black
    Dahila killer if there was a lollipop
    in it. His story didn't match the
    details at all until the later
    interviews. Couldn't find the body.

    Holloway speaks to his phone...

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    Open Casper Norwood's Crime-o-pedia
    page. Actualize.

    A life-size hologram of CASPER NORWOOD is projected - 6-
    foot-something, 350 pounds - menacing but childlike.

    NORWOOD HOLOGRAM
    I killed her. I put a knife in that
    little girl's stomach.

    A kid at a neighboring table stares at the hologram -

    HOLLOWAY
    He lived twelve blocks from where the
    Mazda was found. You think Lucia's
    going for a leisurely walk with him?

    WHEELER
    He's not the guy.

    HOLLOWAY
    Didn't even own a gun. The public
    defender was an addict, in a K-hole
    the whole trial.
    (MORE)
    19.

    HOLLOWAY (cont'd)
    Norwood's mother hired me a week
    ago - last-ditch efforts are kinda my
    brand.

    WHEELER
    She has money?

    Holloway shakes his head.

    HOLLOWAY
    Cal's started executing people
    again - 16 since the end of last
    year. Told her I'd take an IOU in
    case she ever won the lottery.

    WHEELER
    What do you have to go on?

    HOLLOWAY
    Nada. He's going to fry in three days
    and I'm at square one.

    WHEELER
    Three days?

    The Norwood hologram lurches at the neighboring table. Off
    the kid's SCREAM...
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary At Li's Supper Club, detectives Wheeler and Holloway discuss the Casper Norwood case over dinner. Norwood, a man with low mental capacity, has confessed to murdering Lucia. However, Wheeler suspects he's not the real culprit, causing tension between the two investigators. With only three days left before Norwood's execution and no solid leads, the scene is filled with urgency and desperation. A holographic projection of Norwood's confession startles a child, highlighting the gravity of the situation. The scene concludes with Holloway's admission of his struggle to find the real killer.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Tension-building
    • Revelation of new information
    Weaknesses
    • Insect legs in the burger scene may be off-putting

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the revelation of new information and the unsettling nature of the suspect. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important plot details.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of investigating a missing girl and uncovering a potential suspect is compelling and keeps the audience engaged. The introduction of the Norwood character adds a layer of complexity and raises questions about his involvement.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses significantly in this scene as new information about the suspect is revealed. The investigation takes a crucial turn, leading to further questions and potential leads.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a hologram projection and the exploration of wrongful convictions are not entirely unique, the specific details and the combination of gritty and futuristic elements add a fresh approach to familiar themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Wheeler and Holloway are well-developed and their dynamic is intriguing. Wheeler's determination and Holloway's dedication to the case make them compelling protagonists.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Wheeler's determination and Holloway's dedication to the case are reinforced.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and prove that Casper Norwood is not guilty. This reflects their deeper need for justice and their fear of an innocent person being wrongly convicted.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence and information to support their belief that Casper Norwood is innocent. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of proving his innocence before he is executed.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene arises from the investigation into the missing girl and the discovery of a potential suspect. The tension is heightened by the unsettling nature of the suspect and the urgency to find the truth.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges in proving Casper Norwood's innocence, including the time constraint of his impending execution and the lack of evidence to support their belief.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene as the investigation into the missing girl intensifies and a potential suspect is revealed. The urgency to find the truth and bring justice adds to the high stakes.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a potential suspect and raising new questions about the investigation. It adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it presents new information and challenges the audience's assumptions about the guilt or innocence of Casper Norwood. The revelation of the hologram projection adds an unexpected element to the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the belief in the justice system and the protagonist's belief in the possibility of wrongful convictions. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they question the reliability and fairness of the legal system.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of unease and distress through the revelation of the suspect's disturbing obsession. Wheeler's emotional state and determination also add to the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is engaging and reveals important plot details. The conversation between Wheeler and Holloway effectively conveys their thoughts and emotions, adding depth to their characters.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and conflict, raises questions about the protagonist's beliefs and motivations, and creates a sense of urgency with the impending execution of Casper Norwood.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action, creating a sense of tension and urgency, and keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding mystery.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then transitions to an interior location where the characters engage in dialogue.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is too expository. It feels like the characters are dumping information on the reader instead of having a natural conversation.
    • The scene lacks tension and conflict. The characters are simply discussing the case, and there is no sense of urgency or danger.
    • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary exposition and dialogue.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue so that it is more natural and less expository.
    • Add some tension and conflict to the scene. For example, the characters could be interrupted by a phone call or a visit from another character.
    • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary exposition and dialogue.



    Scene 12 -  Wheeler's Sleepless Night and Somber Jog
    INT. HOLLOWAY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    Disaster footage from The Event plays on a Smart Wall.
    Wheeler watches bleary-eyed on the sofa, unable to sleep.

    PODCAST HOST (PRELAP)
    Welcome back to Transitions, a
    podcast about finding your way in a
    new world.


    EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - LATER

    Wheeler's feet pound the pavement as she jogs through the
    city at 'blue hour', right before dawn. She's favoring her
    left leg, clearly in pain. The more she grimaces, the harder
    she pushes. She has ear buds in -

    PODCAST HOST (V.O.) (CONTD)
    We're speaking with ERMA's Dr. Neil
    Matteson about the mental degradation
    we're seeing in the first wave of
    sleepers.
    20.


    Wheeler runs along a wide sidewalk, her footsteps powering a
    chain of streetlamps that click to life as she passes.

    PODCAST HOST (V.O.) (CONTD) (cont'd)
    Should we start with Saturday’s
    massacre on a bus in Bolivia? How
    about the suicides in the Tokyo
    hostel? What exactly is happening
    here, Neil?

    Wheeler runs faster, past a 'living skyscraper', its walls
    covered in a slowly moving, carbon-eating fungus.

    NEAL (V.O.)
    Well, we know that the Lazurus Effect
    starts with a void - a feeling of
    nothingness in these people who have
    awakened. Then, pressure builds...

    Wheeler pounds through Dolly Lake, down the same street
    where she found Sixto's Mazda. She pushes herself harder -

    PODCAST HOST
    One sleeper I spoke to likened it to
    slipping into a warm bath. Then the
    temperature starts rising in tiny
    increments. On their own, the changes
    are imperceptible -

    Wheeler stops, bends over in agony. She stares at the spot
    where the Mazda was, looking around in every direction.

    PODCAST HOST (CONTD)
    Until your realize you're being
    boiled alive.

    Everything has changed, except for the doorway where the
    Tattooed Biker was. Her gaze lingers on it.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

    Summary Wheeler, experiencing sleep problems and physical pain, watches disaster footage from The Event in Holloway's living room. She goes for a jog at dawn, passing landmarks like the living skyscraper and Dolly Lake while listening to a podcast about the mental effects of the sleepers. The tone is somber and introspective, with the dialogue coming from the podcast and the visuals showing the city coming to life. Wheeler stops running, looking somberly at the spot where Sixto's Mazda was parked.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Intriguing premise
    • Compelling characters
    Weaknesses
    • Dialogue could be more distinct and memorable

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events. The combination of the post-apocalyptic setting and the missing girl case adds depth and intrigue to the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a detective waking up after a 20-year coma in a drastically changed world is intriguing and sets up a unique premise for the story.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience guessing about the connection between the missing girl case and the post-apocalyptic setting. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and raising questions.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the post-apocalyptic setting is familiar, the specific details such as the Smart Wall, carbon-eating fungus, and the protagonist's physical struggle add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are compelling and their actions and dialogue reflect their motivations and personalities. Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and Holloway's loyalty and regret add depth to their relationship.

    Character Changes: 7

    While Wheeler's character undergoes some changes, such as waking up from a coma and adapting to the post-apocalyptic world, the focus of the scene is more on the external events and mystery.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to push herself physically despite being in pain. This reflects her deeper need to prove her strength and resilience in the face of the challenges brought about by The Event.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue running and searching for something or someone, as indicated by her stopping and looking around in every direction. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing in the post-apocalyptic world.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict is high, with Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and the mystery surrounding the missing girl case creating tension and suspense.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces physical pain and the challenges of running through a post-apocalyptic city. The audience is unsure of the outcome and is invested in her journey.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high, with a missing girl's life at risk and the possibility of a larger conspiracy or connection to past cases.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising questions, and deepening the mystery surrounding the missing girl case.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it presents the protagonist's physical struggle and her search for something or someone, creating a sense of mystery and uncertainty.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, confusion, and fear, as the audience is drawn into the unsettling world and the desperate search for Lucia.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys information and emotions, but could benefit from more distinct and memorable lines.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces the protagonist's physical struggle and creates a sense of urgency. The use of descriptive language and dialogue keeps the reader or viewer invested in the story.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The quick transitions between different locations and the protagonist's physical actions create a dynamic rhythm.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, transitions to the protagonist's action, and includes dialogue to provide information and build tension.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what Wheeler's motivation is for jogging or what insights she's supposed to gain from the podcast.
    • The scene is too long and doesn't advance the plot or character development.
    • The writing is overly descriptive and lacks focus. The focus should be on Wheeler's emotional state and what she's struggling with, not on the details of her surroundings.
    • The dialogue is flat and doesn't reveal anything new about the characters or their relationship.
    • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. It doesn't leave the reader with a sense of closure or anticipation.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with a clear purpose in mind. What do you want Wheeler to achieve by jogging and listening to the podcast?
    • Cut out any unnecessary details and focus on what's essential to the story.
    • Use the dialogue to reveal more about Wheeler's character and her relationship with Holloway.
    • End the scene with a more satisfying conclusion that leaves the reader wanting more.



    Scene 13 -  Investigating a Lead: Vincent Guerrero's Deportation
    INT. HOLLOWAY'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

    Holloway sits at a table with half a grapefruit and a stack
    of old LA Times newspapers. He looks up as Wheeler enters.

    HOLLOWAY
    Couldn't sleep?

    WHEELER
    Been sleeping too long.

    HOLLOWAY
    Forgot to say, I have your stuff in
    storage - got a locker on Pico.
    21.


    Wheeler looks at the stack of old papers.

    WHEELER
    What are you looking for?

    HOLLOWAY
    I thought I was looking for homicides
    in Dolly Lake where a .45 was used,
    but I ended up just looking at the
    comics. You know -

    He tosses the paper on the table.

    HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
    I reckon the original creator of
    Taffy & Joe must have died in August
    of 2015. The characters have totally
    different psychological profiles
    after that.

    WHEELER
    You got a pencil and paper?

    Holloway raises an eyebrow.

    HOLLOWAY
    You have something?

    WHEELER
    Probably not. But remind me, who
    worked Cal-Gangs for Hillside?

    HOLLOWAY
    In 2021? That would have been Vincent
    Guerrero.

    WHEELER
    We need to talk to him.

    HOLLOWAY
    Deported. Turns out his parents had
    entered the country illegally when he
    was a baby.

    WHEELER
    They deported him to a country he
    never lived in?

    HOLLOWAY
    Welcome to America. Where you been?
    22.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

    Summary Holloway and Wheeler discuss old newspaper comics before shifting their conversation to a potential lead in their case - Vincent Guerrero, a former Cal-Gangs officer who has been deported. They debate the possibility of speaking to him, but ultimately conclude that it's their only option, despite the challenges of tracking him down.
    Strengths
    • Revealing important information about the investigation and the changed world
    • Creating a sense of disorientation and confusion
    • Establishing a connection between past and present cases
    Weaknesses
    • Pacing could be improved to maintain reader engagement
    • Dialogue lacks strong emotional impact
    • Character development could be further explored

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively conveys Wheeler's disorientation and confusion after waking up from a coma. It also provides important information about the changes in the world and the ongoing investigation. However, the pacing could be improved to maintain the reader's engagement.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of Wheeler waking up after 20 years in a coma and discovering a changed world is intriguing. The connection between past and present cases adds depth to the story. However, the concept could be further developed to enhance its impact.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Wheeler and Holloway discuss the past and present cases, providing crucial information and raising questions. The revelation about Casper Norwood adds a new layer of conflict and raises the stakes. However, the plot could benefit from more tension and suspense.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the dialogue and character interactions feel fresh and authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue are believable and true to their personalities.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Wheeler's disorientation and confusion are well-portrayed, and Holloway's nostalgic reminiscence adds depth to his character. However, their emotional impact could be further explored, and additional character development would enhance the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    Wheeler experiences a significant change as she wakes up from a coma and tries to navigate the changed world. However, the extent of character change could be further explored and developed.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find information or clues related to homicides in Dolly Lake. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and their need to solve the mystery.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to talk to Vincent Guerrero, who worked Cal-Gangs for Hillside. This reflects the immediate challenge of gathering information and leads for their investigation.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    The conflict arises from Wheeler's disorientation, the revelation about Casper Norwood, and the ongoing investigation. However, the conflict could be heightened to increase tension and engagement.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome, they are not insurmountable. The audience is unsure of how the conversation with Vincent Guerrero will go, adding a sense of tension and uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised with the revelation about Casper Norwood and the ongoing investigation. However, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of urgency and higher stakes.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene provides important information about the investigation, the connection between cases, and the changed world. It moves the story forward by raising new questions and introducing potential conflicts. However, the pacing could be improved to maintain a stronger sense of momentum.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected information and twists in the dialogue. The revelation about the creator of Taffy & Joe and the deportation of Vincent Guerrero add unexpected elements to the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of disorientation, confusion, and nostalgia. Wheeler's emotional state and Holloway's regret add emotional depth. However, the emotional impact could be further intensified.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue provides necessary exposition and reveals information about the world and the investigation. However, it lacks strong emotional impact and could benefit from more dynamic exchanges.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the characters' past and their investigation. The dialogue is lively and the characters' interactions are intriguing.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective because it balances dialogue and action. The scene moves at a steady pace, allowing the characters to have meaningful conversations while also advancing the plot.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to read.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear establishing shot and introduces the characters and their dialogue in a logical and coherent manner.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's not immediately evident what Wheeler and Holloway are trying to accomplish or what information they're seeking.
    • The dialogue is somewhat disjointed and lacks a natural flow. The characters' lines feel forced and unnatural.
    • The scene relies too heavily on exposition and lacks visual interest. The characters are mostly just talking and there's not much action or movement.
    • The characters' motivations and goals are not fully explored. It's not clear why they're so interested in the old newspaper comics or why they need to speak to Vincent Guerrero.
    • The scene ends abruptly and doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion or transition to the next scene.
    Suggestions
    • Consider starting the scene with a more specific goal or objective for the characters. This will give the scene a sense of purpose and direction.
    • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. The characters should sound like real people talking to each other.
    • Add some visual interest to the scene by incorporating more action or movement. The characters could be searching through old newspapers, looking at photographs, or even conducting an interview.
    • Develop the characters' motivations and goals more fully. Explain why they're so interested in the old newspaper comics and why they need to speak to Vincent Guerrero.
    • End the scene with a stronger conclusion that either resolves the current conflict or sets up the next scene.



    Scene 14 -  Reunion at the Port: Wheeler and Guerrero
    EXT. PORT OF LOS ANGELES - DAY

    Hulking machines and cranes rise out of the morning smog in
    the decaying Port of Los Angeles.

    Wheeler and Holloway march through the misty dockyards
    towards a supervisor.

    HOLLOWAY
    We're looking for Vincent Guerrero.

    SUPERVISOR
    No breaks. He'll be off at 7.

    HOLLOWAY
    We're not checking regs. We'll be out
    of your hair in two minutes.

    SUPERVISOR
    You have 90 seconds.

    The supervisor hollers towards a GROUP OF MEN at the docks,
    each in a drab olive uniform, each carrying an impossibly
    heavy load of steel beams.

    SUPERVISOR (CONTD)
    Guerrero, get your ass over here.

    One of the men turns around, revealing a faceless mech. He
    notices Wheeler -



    GUERRERO
    Mother Mary, I must be dreaming.

    Wheeler eyes the cold piece of machinery speaking to her...

    WHEELER
    I know how you feel.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

    Summary Wheeler and Holloway visit the misty Port of Los Angeles to find Vincent Guerrero, who works as a faceless mech. Surprised by his presence, Guerrero is given 90 seconds to speak with them by the supervisor. The scene is filled with a mix of curiosity and surprise, as Wheeler acknowledges Guerrero's identity, while Holloway inquires about regulations.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Strong emotional impact
    • Intriguing concept
    Weaknesses
    • Limited exploration of the futuristic setting

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively establishes a tense and mysterious atmosphere while introducing important plot elements and character dynamics. The dialogue is engaging and the emotional impact is strong.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a character waking up from a 20-year coma and discovering a changed world is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and mysteries.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses as the detectives investigate the missing girl case and uncover connections to past cases. The introduction of the Casper Norwood case adds a new layer of intrigue.

    Originality: 8

    This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of the decaying Port of Los Angeles and the interaction between humans and machines. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Wheeler and Holloway are well-developed and their relationship is established through their interactions. Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and Holloway's regret for not doing more create emotional depth.

    Character Changes: 8

    Wheeler experiences a significant change as she wakes up from a 20-year coma and is thrust into a changed world. Holloway also undergoes a change as he reconnects with Wheeler and helps her escape the medical center.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Wheeler wants to establish a connection or rapport with Vincent Guerrero, the faceless mech. This reflects her desire to bridge the gap between humans and machines and potentially challenge societal norms or prejudices.

    External Goal: 8

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate and interact with Vincent Guerrero. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene, where Wheeler and Holloway are searching for him in the Port of Los Angeles.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a level of conflict present in the scene, particularly in Wheeler's determination to find Lucia and Holloway's regret for not doing more. The introduction of the Casper Norwood case adds another layer of conflict.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While the supervisor initially presents a small obstacle by limiting Wheeler and Holloway's time, the audience is unsure of how the interaction between Wheeler and Guerrero will go.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as Wheeler is determined to find Lucia and time is running out. The introduction of the Casper Norwood case adds another layer of urgency.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing important plot elements, such as the Casper Norwood case, and deepening the emotional stakes for Wheeler's search for Lucia.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the faceless mech, Vincent Guerrero, and creates curiosity about the potential relationship between Wheeler and Guerrero.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between humans and machines. Wheeler's willingness to engage with Vincent Guerrero challenges societal beliefs and prejudices about the role and capabilities of machines.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions through Wheeler's disorientation, confusion, and concern for Lucia. The revelation of her prolonged coma and Holloway's support adds to the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. The conversation between Wheeler and Holloway in the hospital room is particularly impactful.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a unique setting, establishes character goals, and creates intrigue through the interaction between humans and machines.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually introducing the setting and characters, building tension through the time constraint, and creating anticipation for the interaction between Wheeler and Guerrero.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and progresses the narrative.


    Critique
    • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context or character development.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
    • The setting is not well-described. It sounds like a generic port, but there are no specific details that would make it stand out.
    • The supervisor character is one-dimensional and doesn't serve any purpose other than to give Wheeler and Holloway information.
    • The twist at the end of the scene is not well-executed. It comes out of nowhere and doesn't make sense with the rest of the scene.
    Suggestions
    • Add more dialogue to develop the characters and relationships.
    • Add more description to the setting to make it more vivid and interesting.
    • Give the supervisor character more personality and motivation.
    • Rewrite the twist at the end of the scene to make it more logical and surprising.



    Scene 15 -  Investigating AFN and the Tattooed Biker
    EXT. REPAIR ROOM - LATER

    The trio stand in a mech repair room. Wheeler and Holloway
    drink steaming coffee from paper cups as Guerrero unscrews
    one of his arms, replacing it with a grab-loader.

    WHEELER
    You're in Mexico right now?
    23.


    GUERRERO
    They deported us in waves. Whole
    trains rumbling across the border to
    Ciudad Obregon, over and over for
    months. But then they couldn't fill
    our jobs - turns out they still
    needed us. So now I brain-bridge from
    a wire mill in Juarez.

    HOLLOWAY
    You were one hell of a cop.

    GUERRERO
    Just a dock jockey now. Still hear
    those trains, though, in my sleep.

    Guerrero gazes out the garage door at the Vincent Thomas
    Bridge, snaking through pink smog in the distance.

    GUERRERO (CONTD)
    This was my home.

    HOLLOWAY
    You ever run into AFN when working
    Hillside?

    GUERRERO
    America First Now? Sure. They were
    only about 40 strong in LA, but
    bigger in OC and San Diego. Neo-Nazis
    who targeted Mexicans, Jews,
    Muslims - you name it. They
    trafficked meth, guns...

    WHEELER
    Kids?

    GUERRERO
    Had my suspicions. Couldn't prove
    'em. Why?

    WHEELER
    We're looking into the murder of
    Sixto Reyes and the disappearance of
    Lucia Reyes, back in 2023.

    GUERRERO
    Shot dead in a Mazda? I remember.

    Wheeler holds up a pencil sketch of the tattooed biker.

    WHEELER (CONTD)
    This guy was nearby. AFN branded.
    24.


    GUERRERO
    That looks like Sonny D'Alesio. He
    was one of their leg-breakers, ran
    AKs up through NoCal. You think he
    had something to do with Lucia?

    HOLLOWAY
    Long shot. But it's the only shot we
    got. Know where we can find him?
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

    Summary In the mech repair room, Guerrero replaces his arm with a grab-loader while Wheeler and Holloway drink coffee. They discuss Guerrero's past with the neo-Nazi group AFN and their illegal activities. Wheeler shows Guerrero a sketch of a tattooed biker who may be connected to a murder and disappearance. The trio discuss potential leads, with Guerrero identifying the biker as Sonny D'Alesio. The scene ends with Wheeler asking Guerrero if he knows where they can find D'Alesio.
    Strengths
    • Building suspense
    • Revealing new information
    • Exploring character backgrounds
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character change in the scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds suspense and emotional tension while introducing new information and raising questions about the ongoing investigation.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a deported cop with valuable information adds intrigue and complexity to the story.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses as new leads are discovered and the connection between cases is revealed.

    Originality: 9

    This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its depiction of a futuristic world with mechs and advanced technology. The inclusion of the AFN as a criminal organization with racist ideologies adds a fresh and relevant element to the story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and past experiences.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the emotional impact and new information contribute to the characters' development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information about the murder of Sixto Reyes and the disappearance of Lucia Reyes. This reflects their desire for justice and their commitment to solving the case.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Sonny D'Alesio, a member of the AFN, who may have information about Lucia Reyes. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their investigation.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters investigate the murder and abduction cases.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of finding Sonny D'Alesio and uncovering the truth about Lucia Reyes. The audience is left uncertain about how the investigation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters investigate a murder and abduction case, with the potential for more victims.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads and raising questions about the investigation.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the possibility of Sonny D'Alesio being involved in the disappearance of Lucia Reyes, which adds a new layer of complexity to the investigation.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and their commitment to solving the case, and the AFN's values of racism, violence, and criminal activity. This conflict challenges the protagonist's worldview and highlights the moral dilemma they face in their pursuit of the truth.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' distress and the revelation of new information.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is realistic and reveals important information about the investigation and the characters' backgrounds.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the murder and disappearance. The dialogue between the characters is intriguing and reveals important information about the case.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action. It allows for moments of reflection and tension, while also moving the story forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses through their conversation in a logical and coherent manner.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like real people talking.
    • The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition.
    • The characters are not particularly well-developed. We don't get a good sense of who they are or what they want.
    • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
    Suggestions
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
    • Add more action to the scene to advance the plot.
    • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivation.
    • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.



    Scene 16 -  Uncooperative Receptionist at New Aon Center
    EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY

    A sleek black-glass skyscraper stretches into a perfect
    California sky. This is the New Aon Center, where billion-
    dollar deals are as common as car fires on the 405.

    HOLLOWAY (PRELAP)
    We need to speak to Sonny D'Alesio.


    INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

    Holloway and Wheeler stand in a tasteful reception area. A
    RECEPTIONIST barely acknowledges them.

    RECEPTIONIST
    Mr. D'Alesio's in meetings for the
    entire day. The week, actually. You
    really need to call ahead.

    WHEELER
    We're detectives with South Bureau.

    RECEPTIONIST
    Then you'll need to speak with his
    legal team first. Let's see -

    She turns to her screen, punches a few keys.

    RECEPTIONIST (CONTD)
    I can pencil you in with his attorney
    for Thursday the 14th, or - no,
    that's no good, how about the 29th,
    say 9:15, with Don Berman?

    The receptionist finally looks up - no one's there.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Holloway and Wheeler, detectives from South Bureau, visit the New Aon Center in downtown Los Angeles to speak with Sonny D'Alesio. However, the receptionist informs them that Sonny is unavailable for several weeks and suggests scheduling an appointment with his attorney instead. The detectives and the receptionist engage in a tense dialogue, but ultimately, Holloway and Wheeler leave without scheduling an appointment.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Effective portrayal of detectives' determination
    • Introduction of a powerful and influential character
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Minimal emotional impact

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interaction with the receptionist and the anticipation of meeting Sonny D'Alesio. It also reveals the detectives' dedication to their investigation.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene revolves around the detectives' attempt to gain access to a key person of interest in their investigation. It effectively portrays the challenges and obstacles they face in their pursuit of justice.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene focuses on the detectives' efforts to meet with Sonny D'Alesio, a potentially crucial witness or suspect in their case. It adds intrigue and raises questions about D'Alesio's involvement in the larger story.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. It follows a familiar setup of detectives trying to gain access to an important individual and facing bureaucratic obstacles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic and believable.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The scene showcases the determination and persistence of Detectives Wheeler and Holloway. It also introduces the mysterious and influential character of Sonny D'Alesio.

    Character Changes: 6

    There is minimal character change in the scene, as it primarily focuses on the detectives' persistence and determination.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gain access to Sonny D'Alesio. This reflects their deeper need for information or evidence related to their investigation, their fear of being hindered or delayed in their progress, and their desire to uncover the truth or solve the case.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to speak with Sonny D'Alesio. This reflects the immediate circumstance of needing to gather information or evidence for their investigation and the challenge of navigating the bureaucratic process and legal team to gain access to him.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict in the scene arises from the detectives' struggle to gain access to Sonny D'Alesio and the receptionist's resistance. It adds tension and suspense to the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. The receptionist presents a bureaucratic obstacle, but it is not a significant or difficult-to-overcome opposition. The audience may be unsure of how the protagonists will handle it, but it does not create high stakes or intense conflict.

    High Stakes: 8

    The scene highlights the high stakes involved in the investigation, as gaining access to Sonny D'Alesio could potentially provide crucial information or lead to a breakthrough in the case.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing Sonny D'Alesio as a key person of interest and raising questions about his involvement in the case.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the receptionist's offer of appointment dates creates a small element of surprise, but the overall outcome is expected as the protagonists leave without scheduling an appointment.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes emotions of frustration, anticipation, and curiosity. It also hints at the high stakes involved in the investigation.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the detectives' frustration and determination. It also adds tension through the interaction with the receptionist.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it presents a clear goal for the protagonists and introduces a bureaucratic obstacle that creates tension and curiosity about how they will overcome it.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the audience engaged. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, and the twist at the end adds a moment of pause before transitioning to the next scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names in uppercase, dialogue in proper format, and clear transitions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by a continuous scene in a specific location, and ends with a small twist or surprise when the receptionist realizes the protagonists have left.


    Critique
    • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough information to the reader.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
    • The receptionist is not a well-developed character. She is simply there to provide information and doesn't have any personality.
    • The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way.
    Suggestions
    • Expand the scene by adding more details about the setting and the characters.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
    • Develop the receptionist character by giving her a backstory and some personality.
    • Add more conflict to the scene by having Holloway and Wheeler argue with the receptionist or each other.
    • End the scene with a cliffhanger that will make the reader want to know what happens next.



    Scene 17 -  Confrontation in the Boardroom: D'Alesio and the Detective
    INT. BOARD ROOM - CONTINUOUS

    A GROUP of high-power businessmen circle a conference table.
    25.


    SONNY D'ALESIO, now 45, immaculate in a Brooks Brothers
    suit, his tattoos lazered off, addresses the group -

    D'ALESIO
    In Phase one we anticipate a rollout
    of 75 million across 36 countries.

    He notices the room's attention has shifted towards an open
    door, where Wheeler stands.

    WHEELER
    Sorry to interrupt. I need to borrow
    Mr. D'Alesio for a moment.

    D'ALESIO
    I'm in the middle of a meeting, but
    if you speak to Susan -

    WHEELER
    It's about an abduction and murder.

    The execs stare at D'Alesio in shock.


    INT. EXECUTIVE BATHROOM - LATER

    D'Alesio pulls Wheeler into the executive bathroom. He locks
    the door, turns on her -

    D'ALESIO (CONTD)
    What the fuck is wrong with you,
    Detective?

    WHEELER
    Wheeler. Rae Wheeler.

    D'ALESIO
    I wasn't asking you your name, I was
    asking what the fuck is wrong with
    you. We're in the middle of a merger
    meeting! And you come in, asking
    about some old murder -

    WHEELER
    How do you know it's old?

    D'ALESIO
    What?

    WHEELER
    I said it was a murder. I didn't say
    it was old.

    He has no idea how to respond.
    26.


    D'ALESIO
    The three best lawyers in LA are 80
    feet away from me. You wanna talk to
    me – talk to them first.

    WHEELER
    Sure. I’ll make everyone aware that
    we’re investigating you for murder,
    kidnapping and child sex trafficking,
    and we'll see what those top lawyers
    want to do next.

    D'ALESIO
    What exactly do you want from me?

    WHEELER
    Back in 2023, you were a block from
    where an immigrant was killed and a
    child was abducted in Dolly Lake, the
    night of the protests. You remember
    Lucia Reyes?

    D'Alesio looks confused, not what he was expecting.

    D'ALESIO
    Wait, what?

    WHEELER
    You were muscle for AFN. I know how
    much they love Mexicans - almost as
    much as they love kids.

    D'ALESIO
    Muscle? Do I look like muscle? I was
    just a cook! I invented a 3D printing
    process that could manufacture meth
    to deliver the perfect hit. It was
    fucking revolutionary!

    There's a KNOCK on the bathroom door -

    WHEELER
    Occupied!

    D'ALESIO
    Now that idea's going to save
    people - kids - thousands of them,
    millions, maybe. Personalized
    medicine - that's what's going on in
    that room you pulled me out of - the
    merger with Ibunacore.

    Wheeler stares at him, trying to get a read.
    27.


    WHEELER
    You still using?

    D'ALESIO
    You kidding me? How many San Pedro
    tweakers have lived long enough to
    see the sun rise over Triton?

    D'Alesio reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keychain.

    D'ALESIO (CONTD)
    No. I got two things when I got
    clean. This, from NA -

    He shows Wheeler the keychain - a St Christopher's medallion
    inscribed with "Brothers in Recovery - Never Alone."

    D'ALESIO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    And this from my friends in AFN.

    D'Alesio reaches into his mouth, removes his upper teeth.

    With his sunken cheeks and caved-in face he looks pathetic,
    powerless. He puts his dentures back in -

    D'ALESIO
    Some of the boys caught me outside of
    an OTB when I told them I wanted out.

    WHEELER
    You know if they were running bodies
    through Dolly Lake?

    D'ALESIO
    Look, from what I heard - and this is
    just what I heard - some of the boys
    used to game on Vermont. There was a
    guy that ran a click-and-collect
    service using storage lockers. The
    Jolly Rancher.

    WHEELER
    What's his real name?

    D'ALESIO
    No idea. Never saw him. No one did.
    That's why he'd use the lockers. He'd
    turn over two, three girls a week.

    WHEELER
    How come he didn't have the whole
    department on his ass with that kind
    of traffic?
    28.


    D'ALESIO
    He targeted illegals - knew that
    parents wouldn't report 'em missing.
    It was nuts back then - kids
    disappearing in the middle of the
    night, mothers out in the streets
    with flashlights. You could never
    tell if it was ICE or the Jolly
    Rancher that got 'em.

    WHEELER
    You got anything else on this guy?

    D'ALESIO
    Not really. Just know he used to
    drive a white Honda Civic.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary In this scene, Detective Rae Wheeler interrupts Sonny D'Alesio during a merger meeting to question him about a recent abduction and murder. D'Alesio, initially angry, later opens up about his past involvement with AFN and his current focus on developing personalized medicine. The conflict between them remains unresolved as Wheeler continues to question D'Alesio about his past and the Jolly Rancher. The scene ends with D'Alesio revealing the Jolly Rancher's use of a white Honda Civic.
    Strengths
    • Intense dialogue
    • Revealing crucial information
    • Building tension and suspense
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development in this specific scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with intense dialogue and a sense of urgency. It reveals crucial information about the case and raises the stakes for the protagonist.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a corrupt businessman involved in murder, kidnapping, and child sex trafficking adds depth and complexity to the story. It introduces a powerful antagonist and raises moral questions.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. It introduces new information and twists, advancing the investigation and increasing tension.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (a board room meeting), the dialogue and character dynamics bring a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Wheeler is determined and relentless, while D'Alesio is a complex and morally ambiguous character.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the understanding of Wheeler's determination and D'Alesio's complex past.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in the face of unexpected news. It reflects his need to protect his reputation and image as a successful businessman.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to understand why he is being interrupted and accused of murder. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected accusations and potential legal consequences.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Wheeler and D'Alesio is intense and high-stakes. It creates tension and drives the scene forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is faced with unexpected accusations and challenges to his reputation. The audience doesn't know how he will respond or overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the protagonist confronts a powerful and potentially dangerous individual. The revelation of criminal activities adds urgency and danger.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the case and raising new questions. It adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected accusations and revelations about the protagonist's past. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will respond or what the consequences of the accusations will be.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes strong emotions, such as shock, anger, and intrigue. It raises the stakes and creates empathy for the victims.

    Dialogue: 10

    The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals important information about the characters and the case. It keeps the audience engaged and adds depth to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's involvement in a murder and kidnapping. The sharp dialogue and tense atmosphere keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and character interactions are quick and impactful, keeping the scene moving forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot and then moves into dialogue and character interactions.


    Critique
    • The scene is well-written with natural-sounding dialogue and good pacing.
    • The characters are well-established, and their motivations are clear.
    • The setting is well-described, and the reader can easily visualize the scene.
    • The tension between Wheeler and D'Alesio is palpable, and the stakes are clear.
    • The use of the executive bathroom as a location for the conversation adds to the tension and intimacy of the scene.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene to make it even more immersive for the reader.
    • Consider adding a beat or two where D'Alesio hesitates or shows fear when Wheeler mentions the murder and kidnapping investigation.
    • Consider adding a beat or two where Wheeler shows doubt or uncertainty, to add complexity to her character.
    • Consider adding a beat or two where D'Alesio tries to appeal to Wheeler's emotions or sense of justice.
    • Consider adding a beat or two where Wheeler reflects on the impact of the case on her personal life or career.



    Scene 18 -  Holloway and Wheeler Strategize while Anna Lozano Receives a Distress Call
    INT. HALLWAY - LATER

    Holloway and Wheeler walk down a long hallway, passing execs
    in suits along the way.

    WHEELER
    The Jolly Rancher grabbed Lucia...

    HOLLOWAY
    Took her to a storage locker and
    secured her...

    WHEELER
    And was delivering the other girl to
    a buyer.

    HOLLOWAY
    Out with the old...

    WHEELER
    ...In with the new.

    HOLLOWAY
    We need to talk to the girl from the
    Honda and see if she remembers
    anything else. We need to find Anna
    Lozano.


    EXT. MARKET - DAY

    A derelict open-air market by the shores of the LA River. A
    labyrinth of stalls sit in the shadows of a Carbon-Eater.
    29.


    EXT. MARKET STALL - CONTINUOUS

    Anna Lozano, a tough-looking brunette in her 30s, haggles
    with a shopkeeper at a stall.

    LOZANO
    Thirty-seven bucks for one bag of
    base?! That's two dollars more than
    last month.

    SHOPKEEPER
    Tariffs on imports from New Texas.
    Write to your congressman.

    LOZANO
    I have 33 dollars and 50 cents.

    SHOPKEEPER
    That's not even enough to buy at last
    month's prices! Do I look like I'm
    running a charity? Does this look
    like a place where dying kids' wishes
    come true?

    LOZANO
    Just front me 4 bucks until...

    A BUZZING from Lozano's pocket cuts her off. She pulls out
    her phone, looks at the broken screen.

    INSERT: AN UBER-STYLE PRIVATE POLICE APP, 'Big Blue',
    displays a map of LA with a blinking distress call: '415:
    Man with a gun. $425'. Lozano hits 'Accept', slaps the
    counter -

    LOZANO (cont'd)
    Hold that bag of base.
    Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Holloway and Wheeler, discussing the Jolly Rancher's kidnapping and trafficking operation, decide to find Anna Lozano and the girl from the Honda. Meanwhile, Anna Lozano haggles with a shopkeeper for a bag of base but leaves after receiving a distress call from the 'Big Blue' app.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Tension and suspense
    • Revealing plot details
    • Unique and innovative elements
    Weaknesses
    • Limited exploration of themes
    • Character changes could be further developed

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is filled with tension and suspense as the characters uncover new information about the case. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important plot details. The scene also introduces unique and innovative elements that add to the overall intrigue.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a detective waking up from a 20-year coma and discovering a changed world is intriguing and sets up a compelling mystery. The use of futuristic elements and the exploration of themes like extinction and personalized medicine add depth to the concept.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene reveals new information about the case and raises questions about the identity of the Jolly Rancher. The stakes are high as the characters race against time to find the missing girl.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a corporate office building and an open-air market is not entirely unique, the introduction of the Carbon-Eater and the Uber-style private police app adds some freshness to the familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-defined and their motivations and relationships are established. Wheeler's determination and Holloway's regret add depth to their dynamic. Guerrero's past involvement with AFN adds complexity to his character.

    Character Changes: 7

    Wheeler experiences a significant change as she wakes up from a 20-year coma and is thrust into a changed world. Holloway's regret and determination to help Wheeler also show a change in his character.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Anna Lozano and gather information from her. This reflects their deeper need to solve the case and bring justice, as well as their fear of not being able to find the necessary information.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to buy a bag of base from the shopkeeper at the market. This reflects the immediate circumstance of needing the drug for some purpose.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing obstacles in their search for the Jolly Rancher and the missing girl. The tension between Wheeler and Holloway adds to the conflict.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges in both the corporate office building and the market. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters race against time to find the missing girl and uncover the truth about the Jolly Rancher. The consequences of failure are significant.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about the case and raising questions about the identity of the Jolly Rancher. It also establishes the dynamic between the characters and sets up future plot developments.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new challenge for the protagonist with the distress call on the private police app. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will handle the situation.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of concern, confusion, and distress through the characters' reactions and the high stakes of the case. Wheeler's disorientation and Holloway's regret add emotional depth.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the case and the characters' pasts. It effectively conveys tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and urgency with the mention of a distress call on the private police app. The dialogue between the characters is snappy and keeps the audience interested in the unfolding events.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The concise and snappy dialogue, as well as the introduction of the distress call, contribute to the fast-paced rhythm of the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an interior location, transitions to an exterior location, and focuses on the protagonist's actions and dialogue.


    Critique
    • This scene does not advance the plot much and comes across as a more transactional, expository scene that could have been better integrated into the narrative.
    • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural, the characters are just stating facts to each other without much emotion.
    • While the information about the Jolly Rancher provides a good lead to follow, the scene itself is pretty flat.
    • The scene lacks a clear goal and doesn't make enough of an impact on the overall story.
    • The transition to the next scene feels abrupt and could be handled more smoothly.
    Suggestions
    • Consider incorporating this information into the previous scene or finding a way to make the exchange more dynamic.
    • Try to make the dialogue more natural and believable. Give the characters more personality and have them react to each other in a more realistic way.
    • Expand on the scene by adding more details and descriptions of the characters' surroundings.
    • Consider adding a conflict or obstacle to the scene to make it more engaging.
    • Smooth out the transition between this scene and the next by finding a more logical way to connect them. Consider using a device like a flashback or a phone call to bridge the gap.



    Scene 19 -  Lozano's Self-Driving Confrontation
    INT. LOZANO'S CRUISER - LATER

    Lozano's self-driving rent-a-cruiser tears through the LA
    dusk, past sooty shells of bungalows devoured by wildfires.
    Lozano checks her .45 ACP - locked and loaded.

    She peeks under her shirt, revealing a cheap-looking
    bulletproof vest with a blinking red light.

    She holds a finger to a Bluetooth bud in her ear -

    LOZANO
    Connect wth USAC armory. I need
    remote charging for a USAC
    bulletproof vest. PIN is Raiders6872.
    30.


    VOICE IN BUD
    This is USAC. Payment for your charge
    has been declined.

    LOZANO
    This is an emergency! I can pay in an
    hour, but I need that charge now.

    VOICE IN BUD
    Sorry, without payment we can't
    activate...

    LOZANO
    Wait - I have some CO2 credits.

    VOICE IN BUD
    That'll take some time. We'll have to
    put them on the exchange, find a
    buyer, transfer the money. It could
    be up to an hour, we never know.

    LOZANO
    Do it.

    The cruiser skids to a stop. Through the windshield we see a
    shirtless MUSCLEHEAD menacing a 4-foot-tall NEANDERTHAL
    PROSTITUTE in a garish Lemur-print halter top.

    He has a gun on her, screaming...

    MUSCLEHEAD
    Gimme my ring back, bitch!

    Lozano steps out of the vehicle.
    Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Mystery"]

    Summary Lozano drives through LA's dusk in a rent-a-cruiser, passing by burned bungalows. She checks her gun and vest, revealing a blinking red light. Lozano attempts to charge her vest through the USAC armory, but her payment is declined. She offers CO2 credits as an alternative, while the tense scene builds up with a musclehead threatening a neanderthal prostitute. The scene concludes with Lozano stepping out to confront the musclehead.
    Strengths
    • Intense tone
    • Engaging plot
    • Sharp dialogue
    • High stakes
    Weaknesses
    • Limited emotional impact
    • Some character development could be further explored

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and sets up a thrilling chase sequence. The unique elements and intense tone contribute to its high rating.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a futuristic city, advanced technology, and the use of CO2 credits as payment add depth and intrigue to the scene.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is fast-paced and full of suspense as the characters chase after leads and uncover new information about the murder and abduction cases.

    Originality: 9

    This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its futuristic setting, advanced technology, and the use of CO2 credits as a form of currency. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    There is some character development, particularly for Wheeler as she navigates the new world she has awakened to.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lozano's internal goal in this scene is to obtain a remote charging for her bulletproof vest. This reflects her need for protection and her fear of being defenseless in dangerous situations.

    External Goal: 7

    Lozano's external goal in this scene is to resolve the conflict between the musclehead and the neanderthal prostitute. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and her desire to maintain order and safety in her surroundings.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are facing danger and obstacles as they chase after leads.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the musclehead presents a significant obstacle for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how Lozano will handle the situation and overcome the opposition.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters are chasing after a dangerous criminal and trying to solve a murder and abduction case.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by providing new information and leads for the characters to follow.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how Lozano will resolve the conflict and obtain the charging for her bulletproof vest.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes tension and anxiety in the audience, but it does not have a strong emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the plot and characters. It keeps the audience engaged and adds tension to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a high-stakes situation and introduces a conflict that captures the audience's attention. The fast-paced action and dialogue keep the audience invested in the scene.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are concise and propel the scene forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's goals, and presents a conflict that drives the narrative forward.


    Critique
    • The scene transition is abrupt and could be smoother to provide a more coherent reading experience.
    • The introduction of the Musclehead and Neanderthal Prostitute feels sudden and disconnected from the previous scene. Consider integrating them more seamlessly into the narrative.
    • The dialogue in this scene is functional but could benefit from more depth and nuance to make the characters feel more authentic and engaging.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue between Holloway and Wheeler that foreshadows or sets up the Musclehead and Neanderthal Prostitute situation, making the transition less jarring.
    • Flesh out the Musclehead and Neanderthal Prostitute by providing more context and motivation for their actions, making them feel more like real people and less like plot devices.
    • Experiment with subtext and layering in the dialogue to create more engaging and dynamic character interactions, allowing the audience to better understand the characters and their relationships.



    Scene 20 -  Lozano's Standoff and the Fatal Intervention
    EXT. OVERGROWN LOT - CONTINUOUS

    The musclehead sees Lozano and takes off down an alley
    between two houses. She races after him as he crashes
    through a rotting wooden fence, not stopping, heading
    through a yard, smashing through the door of a house...


    INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

    Through the hallway of a family home - into the kitchen area
    where a WOMAN holding a baby SCREAMS. Lozano's just a few
    steps behind, sprinting out the back door...
    31.


    EXT. YARD - CONTINUOUS

    Into a yard filled with old refrigerators, car parts, wet
    clothes on washing lines. She moves slowly through the
    labyrinth of debris, touches the bud in her ear -

    LOZANO
    Is that charge ready?

    VOICE IN BUD
    Still working on it. Not a lot of
    interest in your credits right now.

    A SCREAM comes from a neighboring house.


    INT. HALLWAY - LATER

    Lozano moves slowly down the hallway, gun drawn, moving past
    an empty living room where a kids' program blares on TV.

    A CRASH comes from a room at the end of the hall -


    INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

    Lozano moves into a kitchen - where the musclehead has a 12-
    YEAR-OLD BOY in a chokehold, a gun pressed to the kid's
    temple. Musclehead's eyes are bulging - he's clearly loaded
    on whatever stuff the neanderthals are pushing.

    LOZANO
    Whoa, whoa. OK, let's chill -

    She notices his gun - an old revolver, tape on the grip, no
    fingerprint sensor.

    LOZANO (CONTD)
    Ghost gun, huh? Got a record?

    MUSCLEHEAD
    And no fucking way I'm going back.

    LOZANO
    Perfect. Let's not do that. It costs
    $92,000 a year to keep someone in
    Pelican Bay. Why should the taxpayers
    pay that just because someone stole
    your ring? That's twice what it costs
    to send someone to Harvard.

    The musclehead looks confused.
    32.


    LOZANO (CONTD)
    No offense, but I'd rather send two
    kids to college than you to prison.

    Lozano slowly bends down, puts her gun on the floor. She
    surreptitiously peeks at her bulletproof vest - red light.

    LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    Can I show you something?

    She reaches for her pocket and musclehead swings the gun at
    her, panicking.

    LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    Easy - just getting my wallet, OK?

    Lozano opens her wallet, pulls out a scrap of paper.

    LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    You know what this is? This is my
    ticket to a new life. I've been
    carrying it for nearly 15 years
    now,'cause you never know, right?

    The musclehead still has the terrified kid in a vice grip.

    LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    When I was 16 I was going through
    some bad shit. I mean, I had been
    going through it my whole life, but I
    was ready to say sayonara and exit
    the building.

    Musclehead nods - a spark of recognition.

    LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
    But I made a deal with myself. I'd
    give the universe one last chance to
    show me that life was worth living.
    So I packed a liter of Milagro and a
    bottle of Valium I found in a purse
    on the E Line, and I headed to the
    Greyhound station.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    The one on Seventh?

    LOZANO
    Been there, huh? Where'd you go?

    MUSCLEHEAD
    Out Los Alamitos way.
    33.


    LOZANO
    Shit, bet on the horses?

    MUSCLEHEAD
    Bad tip on a mudder.

    LOZANO
    They're always bad. That's why they
    call it gambling.

    Musclehead is easing up a bit, but he still has the kid in a
    chokehold, the ghost gun squarely on Lozano. She peeks at
    the vest - red light.

    LOZANO (CONTD)
    So at the station I figured I'd take
    the next bus out to anywhere, and if
    I still felt the same when I got
    there... well, I'd Marilyn Monroe
    myself in the biggest pool in town.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    Where'd you wind up?

    LOZANO
    Well, it turned out the next
    Silverline out of town was heading to
    some place called Saint Cloud.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    Never heard of it.

    LOZANO
    Me neither. BUT while I was waiting
    with my ticket, I met someone.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    You're fucking kidding.

    LOZANO
    Nope - a guy who had just come into
    town. We wound up drinking the
    Milagro beneath the Hollywood sign,
    the whole city spread in front of us.
    It was beautiful. I had lived here
    for 16 years without seeing that
    sign. Two years later, I married him.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    So why you still got the ticket?
    34.


    LOZANO
    Before I left the station I swapped
    it for an open-ended one - never
    expires. This is an escape plan. This
    is the bag you bury in the ground,
    then dig up 20 years later when
    you're down to your last chance.

    She holds the piece of paper out towards musclehead.

    LOZANO (CONTD)
    Feeling lucky?

    Musclehead stares.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    For real?

    LOZANO
    You have to leave the gun, though. I
    can't let you take a firearm on a
    public bus.

    MUSCLEHEAD
    (almost tearing up)
    It was just - it was my mother's
    ring. It's all I have left of her.

    Musclehead relaxes his grip and the boy falls to the floor,
    scrambles away. Musclehead moves to put the gun down on the
    kitchen table when TWO PRIVATE POLICE OFFICERS in black
    uniforms CRASH THROUGH THE DOOR, sending Lozano sprawling.

    The officers are heavily armored, sleek weapons raised -
    BAM. BAM. BAM. - Musclehead's chest explodes with bullets.

    Musclehead's eyes go blank. He falls, gripping the ghost
    gun. As he smacks into his floor the gun goes off - BANG! -
    striking Lozano in the chest as her bulletproof vest
    simultaneously BLINKS GREEN.

    A moment... then - LOZANO GASPS, still alive.

    VOICE IN EAR BUD
    Your vest has been charged. Feel free
    to now proceed with assignment.

    COP ONE opens the Big Blue app on his phone. He punches the
    'ASSIGNMENT COMPLETED' button, smiles.

    COP ONE
    Nice pay day on this one.
    35.


    COP TWO bends over, picks up the paper that had fallen from
    Lozano's hand, looks at it -

    COP TWO
    This your Starbucks receipt? Two Star
    Points away from a free frappe.

    He tosses it towards Lozano, who's still flat on her back.
    She watches the receipt - the shared delusion of St Cloud, a
    loving husband, and a second chance - flutter between her
    and the unblinking eyes of the dead man.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

    Summary In an overgrown lot and a family home, Lozano chases after the musclehead and engages in a tense standoff with him in the kitchen. She shares a personal story to convince him to surrender, but before the situation can be resolved, two private police officers burst in and fatally shoot the musclehead, also injuring Lozano who is saved by her bulletproof vest. The scene is filled with tension, vulnerability, and desperation.
    Strengths
    • Intense action
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    Weaknesses
    • Limited exploration of themes

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with intense moments of action and dialogue that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The unique futuristic elements add an intriguing layer to the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a futuristic city with Neanderthals and advanced technology is interesting and adds depth to the story. The private police app and self-driving vehicles create a sense of a dystopian society.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is fast-paced and filled with tension. The chase scene and the confrontation with the musclehead create a thrilling sequence of events.

    Originality: 8

    This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to a familiar situation. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable. The mention of the shared delusion of St Cloud and the use of the bulletproof vest charging add unique elements to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the plot forward. Wheeler's determination and Holloway's dedication to solving the case make them compelling protagonists.

    Character Changes: 7

    Lozano's character undergoes a change as she tries to connect with the musclehead and offer him a chance at redemption. Her empathy and willingness to help show growth and compassion.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lozano's internal goal in this scene is to de-escalate the situation and convince the musclehead to give up his gun without anyone getting hurt. This reflects her desire to protect and serve the community, as well as her belief in second chances and redemption.

    External Goal: 7

    Lozano's external goal in this scene is to apprehend the musclehead and bring him to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her role as a police officer.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Lozano and the musclehead creates a high-stakes situation. The tension is palpable as Lozano tries to negotiate and defuse the situation.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the musclehead presents a threat to Lozano and the boy. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as Lozano tries to save the kidnapped boy and negotiate with the musclehead. The threat of violence and the potential consequences create a sense of urgency.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information about the Jolly Rancher and setting up the next steps in the investigation. It also deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the bulletproof vest charging and the sudden appearance of private police officers. These elements add a layer of surprise and uncertainty to the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Lozano's belief in second chances and the musclehead's desperation to avoid going back to prison. This challenges Lozano's values and worldview, as she tries to convince the musclehead that there is a better way.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and suspense to hope and empathy. The audience is invested in Lozano's survival and the outcome of the confrontation.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it combines elements of action, suspense, and character development. The dialogue is sharp and the pacing keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the situation.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency. The action is interspersed with moments of dialogue and reflection, creating a dynamic rhythm.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of sluglines, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines that effectively convey the sequence of events.


    Critique
    • The scene appears to be lacking a clear focus or purpose. It's unclear what the overall goal or intention of the scene is.
    • The dialogue is somewhat verbose and could benefit from being trimmed down to make it more concise and engaging.
    • The pacing of the scene feels a bit slow and could use some tightening to create a more dynamic and suspenseful atmosphere.
    • The introduction of the private police officers and the subsequent shooting of the musclehead feels somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the flow of the scene.
    • The ending of the scene leaves the reader with a sense of confusion and uncertainty about what happens next.
    Suggestions
    • Consider clarifying the purpose and goal of the scene, whether it's to develop character, advance the plot, or create suspense.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful, focusing on the most essential elements that drive the scene forward.
    • Adjust the pacing of the scene by trimming unnecessary details and transitions to create a more streamlined and engaging experience.
    • Smooth the transition to the introduction of the private police officers by providing some foreshadowing or context to make their appearance less jarring.
    • Provide a clearer resolution to the scene, indicating what happens next and leaving the reader with a sense of closure or anticipation.



    Scene 21 -  Lozano's Escape and Request for Help
    EXT. OVERGROWN LOT - LATER

    Lozano gingerly limps towards her cruiser, bruised and
    defeated. She looks up to see Wheeler and Holloway.

    WHEELER
    Anna Lozano?

    LOZANO
    Blood from a stone.

    WHEELER
    Excuse me?

    LOZANO
    I just nearly died because I didn't
    have $6 to get a carbon-binding
    charge for my bulletproof vest. That
    cruiser is a rental and I have about
    30 seconds left on it. Whatever
    you're trying to collect, I don't
    have it.

    HOLLOWAY
    We're not collecting anything -

    LOZANO
    (surprised)
    Really? Then can I borrow four bucks
    for a bag of base? I'm good for it.

    WHEELER
    We wanted to talk to you about
    something that happened in 2023.

    A glimmer of recognition registers on Lozano's face -

    LOZANO
    You're Ben Holloway and Rae Wheeler,
    aren't you? I've...
    36.


    The rent-a-cruiser suddenly pulls away on its own, tearing
    through the lot, squealing into the street.

    LOZANO (CONTD)
    (watching the car
    disappear)
    Can I grab a ride?
    Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Sci-Fi"]

    Summary In an overgrown lot, bruised and defeated Lozano limps towards her rental cruiser. Suddenly, the cruiser drives away on its own, leaving Lozano behind. Officers Wheeler and Holloway approach her, trying to question her about an incident in 2023. Lozano, surprised to see them, is reluctant to cooperate. The scene ends with Lozano asking Wheeler and Holloway for a ride, as the potential conflict between her and the officers remains unresolved.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intriguing world-building
    • Tension-filled confrontation
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension. It introduces several intriguing elements and raises questions about the past and present events. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of a futuristic city with Neanderthals and advanced technology adds depth and intrigue to the story. The use of stasis and private police app are unique and interesting elements that drive the plot forward.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. It introduces multiple mysteries and raises questions about the connections between different cases. The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information and setting up future conflicts.

      Originality: 9

      This scene has a level of originality in its depiction of a dystopian urban environment and the protagonist's struggle for survival. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and unique to their circumstances.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are established. Wheeler is shown to be determined and resourceful, while Holloway is portrayed as a dedicated and caring detective. Anna Lozano is introduced as a tough and resourceful character with a troubled past.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and survive in a dangerous world. This reflects her deeper need for safety and her fear of being vulnerable.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a way to escape the dangerous situation she is in and get a ride to safety.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. There is tension between Wheeler and Holloway as they confront Anna Lozano, and the presence of the musclehead and private police officers adds to the external conflict.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces obstacles in the form of her limited time in the rental cruiser and her desperate need for money. The audience is unsure of how she will overcome these challenges.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters are involved in a dangerous world filled with crime, abduction, and murder. The confrontation with Anna Lozano and the presence of the musclehead and private police officers add to the sense of danger.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about past events and setting up future conflicts. It introduces new characters and raises questions that will drive the plot forward.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the interaction between the characters will unfold and what the outcome will be. The sudden departure of the rent-a-cruiser adds an element of surprise.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a sense of tension and unease, especially during the confrontation between the characters. The emotional impact is heightened by the revelations about past events and the dangerous world they inhabit.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. It effectively conveys the tension and conflicts between the characters.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it immediately presents the protagonist in a dangerous situation and introduces intriguing characters. The sharp dialogue and the protagonist's desperate circumstances create tension and make the audience invested in her story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The concise dialogue and the quick actions of the characters contribute to a sense of urgency.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and sets up the conflict.


      Critique
      • The dialogue in this scene is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable, and their interactions lack any real emotional connection.
      • The scene is too long and drawn out. The writer tries to cram too much information into a single scene, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow.
      • The characters are not well-developed. The reader does not get a good sense of who they are or what they want.
      • The scene lacks any real tension or conflict. The characters simply talk to each other without any real purpose or direction.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that is consistent with their personalities and backgrounds.
      • Cut down on the length of the scene. Focus on the most important moments and get rid of any unnecessary details.
      • Develop the characters more fully. Give the reader a better sense of who they are and what they want.
      • Add some tension or conflict to the scene. This will make the scene more exciting and engaging for the reader.



      Scene 22 -  Noche de los desaparecidos: A Bittersweet Quest for Justice
      EXT. THE L.A. LIVE COMPLEX - LATER

      Wheeler, Holloway and Lozano share drinks from a paper bag
      as they walk through the ruins of the LA Live Complex.

      LOZANO
      I come here on this night every year,
      like clockwork.

      WHEELER
      Why?

      LOZANO
      Noche de los desaparecidos.

      WHEELER
      Night of the disappeared?

      Holloway looks pained at the mention.

      LOZANO
      What's wrong? Living memorials a
      little too uncanny valley for you?

      HOLLOWAY
      It's not that. Those kids deserve to
      be remembered. But every one is a
      testament to my failure. If I knocked
      on one last door - if I just checked
      the house at the end of the street...

      LOZANO
      You two had the highest clearance
      rate in South Bureau. You must have
      knocked on more doors than most.

      Holloway and Wheeler both look surprised.

      LOZANO (CONTD)
      I followed up on you. You couldn't
      save everyone - but you saved me.

      HOLLOWAY
      We couldn't save Lucia Reyes.
      37.


      LOZANO
      At least her killer's off the street.

      Wheeler shakes her head - negative.

      LOZANO (CONTD)
      But they're executing him the day
      after tomorrow, it's all over the
      news!

      WHEELER
      We think the same man who took you
      took Lucia. Anything you can tell us
      could help. Anything small, that you
      might have forgotten before?

      LOZANO
      Small? No. I have his DNA, though.

      Wheeler and Holloway stop dead.

      WHEELER
      What? How? We need to get it to...

      LOZANO
      Found a hair on my teddy bear - they
      had it in a locker for years before I
      got it back. I tried to tell the
      detective, but he wasn't interested
      in hearing what an undocumented
      Mexican had to say about a decade-old
      case in the worst neighborhood in LA.

      HOLLOWAY
      Studdebaker. He's not a detective.

      LOZANO
      No, he's not. He's captain now.
      Anyway, I've already had it analyzed.
      No direct matches. No genealogical
      hits.

      HOLLOWAY
      So we're back to square one?

      But Wheeler notices something in Lozano's expression.

      WHEELER
      What aren't you telling us?

      Lozano turns, unsure.
      38.


      HOLLOWAY
      Norwood is going to die in two days.
      If you know anything -

      LOZANO
      Six years ago I met a geneticist in
      the Valley, an off-the-books guy.
      I...I had him make a clone.

      HOLLOWAY
      Anna, that's a Class B felony!

      LOZANO
      I couldn't let him get away. He's not
      going to stop killing - not until
      somebody stops him.

      Lozano hands a pair of glasses to Holloway. He reluctantly
      takes them, puts them on -

      The complex comes alive with dozens of glowing holograms of
      missing Latino children. They run, jump rope, filling the
      void with light. Holloway takes them in. It's sad, almost
      magical, a digital heaven living just beneath our world - a
      long way from the days of pictures on milk cartons.

      LOZANO (CONTD)
      This is my last door to knock on.
      This is my house at the end of the
      street.

      A hologram of Lucia in a pink bomber jacket skips past
      Holloway, sticks out her tongue. Holloway takes a long swig
      from the bag.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Mystery","Crime"]

      Summary In the desolate ruins of the LA Live Complex, detectives Wheeler, Holloway, and Lozano commemorate the Night of the Disappeared. Lozano discloses his possession of the killer's DNA, cloned six years prior, in a desperate attempt to end the string of abductions. As Holloway dons a pair of glasses, he witnesses holographic representations of the missing children, including Lucia Reyes. The scene concludes with Lozano's solemn declaration that this is his last resort for achieving justice for the lost souls.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Intriguing world-building
      • Well-developed plot
      Weaknesses
      • None identified

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively combines elements of science fiction, mystery, and crime genres to create a dark and gritty atmosphere. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the ongoing investigations. The scene also introduces unique and memorable elements such as the holograms of missing children and the concept of genetic cloning. Overall, the scene is well-written and keeps the audience intrigued.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a futuristic city with Neanderthals and billboards made of human skin is intriguing and adds depth to the world-building. The idea of genetic cloning and its connection to the ongoing investigations adds an additional layer of complexity to the plot.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene reveals important information about the ongoing investigations and raises questions about the identity of the killer. The introduction of genetic cloning adds a new twist to the plot and increases the stakes for the characters.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of the emotional toll of failed investigations and the ethical dilemma of cloning a criminal. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Wheeler, Holloway, and Lozano each have their own unique personalities and contribute to the overall tension and mystery of the scene.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' past experiences and regrets shape their actions and motivations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and redemption for their past failures. This reflects their deeper need to make amends and find peace with themselves.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the killer and potentially find new leads in the case. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in solving the crime.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are grappling with their past failures and the urgency of the ongoing investigations. The introduction of the genetic cloning concept adds an additional layer of conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters face challenges in their investigation and conflicting beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding tension and suspense.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene as the characters are racing against time to find the killer before the execution of another suspect. The introduction of the genetic cloning concept raises the stakes even further.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the ongoing investigations and raising new questions about the identity of the killer. The introduction of the genetic cloning concept adds a new layer of complexity to the plot.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the revelation of the clone and the holograms of missing children. These surprises add intrigue and keep the audience guessing.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the belief in justice and the desire for personal revenge. The protagonist's decision to clone the killer challenges their beliefs and values, as it goes against the law and raises ethical questions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a sense of sadness and hopefulness. The characters' regrets and the presence of the holograms of missing children create an emotional impact on the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the investigations and the characters' pasts. It effectively conveys the dark and gritty tone of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it reveals new information, raises questions, and creates emotional stakes for the characters. The dialogue and interactions between the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and reflection. It allows the audience to absorb the emotional impact of the revelations while maintaining a sense of forward momentum.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and builds tension through dialogue and revelations.


      Critique
      • This scene has a lot of potential but it would benefit from more focus. At present, several different topics are introduced, including the Night of the Disappeared, Lozano's past experiences with the police, and the DNA evidence that Lozano has. This makes it difficult for the reader to follow and remember all the key points.
      • More detail could be added to the description of the scene. For example, you could mention what the surroundings of the LA Live Complex look like on the Night of the Disappeared. What kind of people are there? What kind of atmosphere is created by the holograms and the memories of the missing children? What is the significance of Lucia's pink bomber jacket?
      • There are a few instances of clunky dialogue. For example, Lozano's line "I come here on this night every year, like clockwork." is a bit awkward. A more natural way to say this would be "I come here every year on this night, without fail."
      • Lozano's sudden reveal that he has DNA evidence could be more shocking and impactful. In the current version, it feels like a plot point that is introduced too casually.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Lozano asking for a ride. This leaves the reader hanging and makes it difficult to understand what happens next.
      Suggestions
      • Consider narrowing the focus of the scene to one or two main topics. For example, you could focus on the emotional impact of the Night of the Disappeared or the significance of the DNA evidence that Lozano has.
      • Add more detail to the description of the scene to help the reader visualize the setting and the atmosphere. Consider using sensory details to create a more immersive experience.
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Consider using contractions and colloquialisms to make the characters sound more realistic.
      • Consider building up to Lozano's reveal that he has DNA evidence. This could be done by having him talk about his experiences with the police in more detail or by having him express his frustration with the lack of progress in the case.
      • Add a few lines to the end of the scene to provide a sense of closure. This could be a brief conversation between Wheeler, Holloway, and Lozano, or it could be a description of what happens as they leave the LA Live Complex.



      Scene 23 -  Discovery of a Genetically Engineered Boy and the Ethical Dilemma
      EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

      A classic 4-bedroom house in the Valley - manicured yard,
      white picket fence. The American Dream.

      The front door opens and a family step out: A TANNED MAN in
      Izod, a WOMAN in Burberry and sunglasses. Between them is a
      BROWN-HAIRED BOY (6) in a soccer uniform.

      Holloway's car idles across the street. Lozano nods towards
      the brown-haired boy...

      LOZANO
      That's him. The parents are friends
      of a friend, had been trying to have
      a kid for years. Good people.
      39.


      Wheeler and Holloway size the kid up as he happily unwraps a
      Jolly Rancher, pops it in his mouth.

      WHEELER
      They know who he is? How he was
      created?

      Lozano's silence answers the question.

      LOZANO
      Figured I'd wait until he reached
      school age - 5, 6. Then I'd run his
      photo through a digital trawler. Find
      a facial match from an old photo on
      the Internet. Who doesn't post photos
      of their kids online?

      WHEELER
      I'm guessing this guy's family
      weren't parents of the year.

      An auto Range Rover pulls up. The family begin to climb in.

      HOLLOWAY
      We need to go old school. Literally.

      Holloway pulls out his phone and - CLICK CLICK CLICK - he
      snaps a series of photos of the brown-haired boy.
      Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

      Summary In a suburban neighborhood, Lozano uses facial recognition software to identify a young boy whose parents were unable to conceive. The trio of Lozano, Wheeler, and Holloway observe the family from afar, raising ethical questions about the use of such technology and the implications of manipulating human reproduction. The scene ends with Holloway taking photographs of the boy as the family drives away, leaving the conflicts unresolved.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Revelation of important information
      • Innovative use of cloning DNA
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the conversation between the characters and the revelation of important information. The use of cloning DNA adds an innovative element to the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using cloning DNA to track down a killer is intriguing and adds depth to the investigation. It raises ethical questions and adds complexity to the plot.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is engaging and keeps the audience hooked with the investigation into the killer and the connection to missing children. The revelation of the hidden wall adds a new layer of mystery.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the suburban setting and investigation plot are familiar, the specific details of the characters and their actions add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal important information about the case. Holloway's guilt and determination to find the killer adds depth to his character.

      Character Changes: 7

      Holloway experiences a shift in his determination to find the killer and his guilt over not being able to save all the missing children.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about the brown-haired boy's origins. This reflects their deeper need for justice and their fear of the potential harm or deception that may be involved in the child's creation.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the brown-haired boy's family and background. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their investigation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are facing a race against time to find the killer before his execution.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of uncovering the truth about the brown-haired boy's origins while considering the potential harm it may cause. The audience is unsure of how the investigation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters race against time to find the killer before his execution and prevent further harm to missing children.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the killer and the connection to missing children. It raises new questions and adds complexity to the investigation.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it hints at a hidden truth about the brown-haired boy's creation and raises questions about the protagonist's approach to uncovering it.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in uncovering the truth and the potential harm it may cause to the boy and his family. This challenges the protagonist's values of justice and the greater good.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes emotions of guilt, shock, and surprise. It could benefit from more emotional depth and connection to the characters.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is informative and helps move the plot forward. It could benefit from more tension and emotional depth.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the brown-haired boy's origins. The dialogue between the characters creates tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the investigation.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and action are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the investigation.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and conflict, and progresses the narrative through dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is somewhat expository and lacks subtext or emotional depth.
      • The scene lacks a clear inciting incident or conflict that drives the action forward.
      • The characters' motivations and relationships are not fully developed, making it difficult to connect with them or understand their actions.
      • The pacing of the scene feels slow and could benefit from more concise dialogue and action.
      • The scene does not provide much insight into the characters' inner lives or their emotional journeys.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding more subtext and emotional depth to the dialogue by exploring the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.
      • Introduce a clear inciting incident or conflict that sets the stakes and drives the action forward.
      • Develop the characters' motivations and relationships by providing more backstory and context.
      • Tighten the pacing of the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action.
      • Incorporate moments of introspection or reflection to give the audience a glimpse into the characters' inner lives.



      Scene 24 -  Investigating the Abduction: Searching for Yearbooks
      EXT. LOS ANGELES CENTRAL LIBRARY - DAY

      A classic Mediterranean-inspired library in the shadows of
      sleek skyscrapers.

      WHEELER (V.O.)
      Old yearbooks are kept in the
      archive.


      INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS

      They walk through an expansive Art Deco foyer, below the
      iconic dome, the Greek bas reliefs, the two-ton chandelier.

      HOLLOWAY
      There must be, what, a couple hundred
      elementary schools?

      WHEELER
      Seventeen minutes between Lucia's
      abduction and the Civic appearing on
      the tape. Back and forth. He has to
      live within a 12-block radius.
      40.


      HOLLOWAY
      About five schools, then. Based on
      his profile and your description of
      his voice and build, we can put his
      age between 20 and 45 in 2021.

      WHEELER
      So we're looking for yearbooks
      covering twenty-five years from five
      schools.
      Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

      Summary Wheeler and Holloway discuss their plan to search old yearbooks to find the abductor, starting at the Los Angeles Central Library. The scene is set in a grand, Art Deco foyer with a two-ton chandelier and Greek bas reliefs. They decide to search for yearbooks in the library's archive, covering five schools and 25 years.
      Strengths
      • Engaging plot
      • Suspenseful tone
      • Strong character interactions
      Weaknesses
      • Limited emotional impact
      • Lack of focus on individual character arcs

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong focus on the investigation and the search for the killer. The unique elements introduced add intrigue and raise the stakes.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using cloning to track down a killer is innovative and adds a new layer of complexity to the story. The use of holograms and facial recognition software also adds a futuristic element to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The search for the killer and the introduction of new leads and information create tension and drive the story forward.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a library and the investigative dialogue are familiar elements, the specific details, such as the Mediterranean-inspired architecture and the mention of yearbooks, add a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions are clear. Their interactions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

      Character Changes: 7

      There is some character development in the scene, particularly for Holloway who expresses guilt and determination to find the killer. However, the focus is more on the investigation than on individual character arcs.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find yearbooks that can help them identify a suspect. This goal reflects their need to solve the abduction case and bring justice to the victim.

      External Goal: 8

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information from the library's archives to aid in their investigation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing, which is the lack of leads in the case.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are faced with the challenge of finding the killer before it's too late, and there is tension and suspense in their interactions.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. While the characters face challenges in their investigation, such as the lack of leads and the need to search through yearbooks, the audience has a sense that they will eventually overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are racing against time to find the killer before he strikes again. The lives of potential victims are at risk, adding tension and suspense.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly, providing new leads and information that propel the investigation forward. It raises the stakes and increases the sense of urgency.

      Unpredictability: 5

      This scene is somewhat predictable because it follows the expected pattern of an investigative scene where the characters exchange information and analyze the case. However, the specific details and revelations about the suspect add a level of unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a sense of urgency and suspense, but the emotional impact is not as strong as other elements. The focus is more on the investigation and the search for answers.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the urgency and seriousness of the investigation. It reveals important information and helps to develop the characters.

      Engagement: 7

      This scene is engaging because it presents a crucial moment in the investigation where the characters discuss their findings and make deductions. The dialogue is informative and keeps the audience invested in the story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm. The dialogue flows smoothly, and the scene progresses at a pace that keeps the audience engaged without feeling rushed.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted, making it easy to read and understand.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior shot and then transitions to an interior location. The dialogue between the characters progresses the plot and reveals important information.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository. For example, the line "We need to go old school. Literally." is a bit too obvious and could be more subtly conveyed.
      • The scene is a bit too focused on exposition and doesn't do much to advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a lot of information is being dumped on the reader without much context or emotional weight.
      • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or stakes. What are Wheeler and Holloway trying to achieve? What are the obstacles in their way? What are the potential consequences of failure?
      Suggestions
      • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue. For example, instead of having Holloway say "We need to go old school. Literally.", you could have him say something like "I think we need to take a different approach. Something more...traditional."
      • Break up the exposition with more action or dialogue. For example, you could have Wheeler and Holloway discussing the case while they're walking through the library or searching through the archives.
      • Give the scene a clearer goal and stakes. For example, you could have Wheeler and Holloway realize that they only have a limited amount of time to find the abductor before he strikes again.
      • Add more tension and suspense to the scene. For example, you could have Wheeler and Holloway discover a clue that leads them to believe that the abductor is closer than they think.



      Scene 25 -  Racing Against Time: The Search for Lonnie Lee Prescott
      INT. LIBRARY BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS

      A huge, musty archive. Rows and rows of yellowing paper,
      books and files, stuff that hasn't seen light in years.

      Stacks of reviewed yearbooks sit in huge piles. The pile
      they haven't looked through is worryingly small.

      LOZANO
      How do we know he didn't move to the
      area after school?

      Wheeler slams another book shut.

      WHEELER
      No one moves to Dolly Lake.

      HOLLOWAY
      Hot damn! I knew it!

      He excitedly slaps a newspaper down.

      WHEELER
      What have you got?

      HOLLOWAY
      Creator of Taffy & Joe died in August
      of 2015.

      LOZANO
      Wait-

      Lozano grabs Holloway's phone, pulls up a photo he took of
      the brown-haired boy, holds it against an open yearbook.

      LOZANO (CONTD)
      Hello...

      Wheeler moves behind her, looks over her shoulder at:
      41.


      INSERT: A yearbook photo of a 7-year-boy. The hair's
      different, the eyes are colder, he's missing a tooth - but
      it's A MATCH to the photo Anna holds next to it.

      She reads the name printed below the yearbook photo...

      LOZANO (CONTD) (cont'd)
      Lonnie Lee Prescott.

      HOLLOWAY
      I'll make a call to the department, I
      still know some guys. I'll see what
      they have on Prescott, have them
      bring him in for questioning.

      Wheeler nods in agreement.

      LOZANO
      No. They'll need to know what
      evidence you have.

      Holloway, getting it now...

      HOLLOWAY
      And you'll go to prison for violating
      the Sanctity of Life Act.

      WHEELER
      The clock's ticking on Casper
      Norwood, Anna. They're executing him
      tomorrow.

      LOZANO
      Just give me an hour to find a
      different way.

      Off their uncertainty...

      LOZANO (CONTD)
      All I'm asking is 60 minutes. You had
      20 years.
      Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

      Summary In the dimly-lit library basement, detectives Lozano, Wheeler, and Holloway search for information on the creator of Taffy & Joe. Lozano identifies the creator as Lonnie Lee Prescott, who died in 2015. As time runs out for Casper Norwood's execution, Lozano and Holloway disagree on how to proceed, with Lozano requesting an hour to find an alternative solution.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • High stakes
      • Suspenseful plot
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development for Lozano

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of urgency and high stakes. The use of genetic cloning and the revelation of the secret DNA database add unique and innovative elements to the story. The dialogue is well-written and the characters are compelling. The scene moves the story forward and has a significant emotional impact.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of using genetic cloning to track down a killer is intriguing and adds a new layer of complexity to the investigation. The revelation of the secret DNA database raises ethical questions and adds tension to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The search for the killer and the revelation of the DNA database create suspense and drive the story forward.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a library basement and the search for evidence are familiar elements, the specific details and the philosophical conflict add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions are believable. Wheeler is determined and focused, Holloway is resourceful and conflicted, and Lozano is tough and driven. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and add depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      The characters undergo some changes in this scene, particularly Holloway who realizes the extent of Lozano's actions and the ethical implications of the DNA cloning. This realization challenges his beliefs and forces him to reconsider his approach to the investigation.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find evidence that will prevent the execution of Casper Norwood. This reflects her deeper desire to seek justice and protect innocent lives.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find evidence linking Lonnie Lee Prescott to the crimes. This reflects the immediate challenge of gathering enough evidence to stop the execution and bring the real culprit to justice.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are conflicted about the best course of action and face obstacles in their search for the killer. The tension is high as they race against time to find the truth.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from her colleagues who are unwilling to violate the law. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved and whether the protagonist will find a different way to save Casper Norwood.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the execution of Norwood looming and the search for the killer intensifying. The characters' actions have life-or-death consequences and the urgency is palpable.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the discovery of the yearbook photo and the identification of the potential killer. It raises new questions and sets up the next stage of the investigation.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions and decisions are not immediately clear. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will find a different way to save Casper Norwood and what consequences her choices will have.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to find a different way to save Casper Norwood and her colleagues' belief in following the law, even if it means violating the Sanctity of Life Act. This challenges the protagonist's values and forces her to question the morality of her actions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the revelation of the DNA database and the search for missing children. The characters' determination and the high stakes create a sense of urgency and empathy for their cause.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is sharp and realistic, revealing information about the characters and advancing the plot. The conversations between the characters are engaging and add tension to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a crucial moment in the investigation, where the characters make a significant discovery. The dialogue is sharp and propels the action forward, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and impactful dialogue, as well as the focused scene direction, keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is too on the nose and expository.
      • The scene lacks tension and conflict.
      • The characters' motivations are unclear.
      • The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and less expository.
      • Add some tension and conflict to the scene.
      • Make the characters' motivations more clear.
      • Rewrite the scene so that it advances the plot in a meaningful way.



      Scene 26 -  Investigating Lonnie Lee Prescott: A Suspenseful Ride Through Downtown Los Angeles
      INT./EXT. HOLLOWAY'S CAR - NIGHT

      Holloway's car rolls through the steely modern canyons of
      Downtown Los Angeles.

      HOLLOWAY
      My guys didn't know much about Lonnie
      Lee Prescott. No record, explains why
      his DNA wasn't on file. There was a
      242 at his family's house in 2010,
      though, when he was a teenager...
      42.


      WHEELER
      (to car's smart
      system)
      Call Vincent Guererro.

      Holloway smiles at Wheeler, impressed -

      HOLLOWAY
      You're getting the hang of this.

      BLEEP - an image of Vincent Guerrero fills the car. He's now
      in his 50s, his muscle turned to paunch, a Dodgers cap
      pulled over a sun-weathered face. He's on his cellphone,
      walking through the neon-lit hellscape of Ciudad Obregón's
      red-light district.

      GUERRERO
      Bueno?

      WHEELER
      Vince, you busy?

      GUERRERO
      On my way to the wire mill.

      WHEELER
      At this time of night?

      GUERRERO
      Efficiency KPIs, Rae, they measure
      everything we do. You been under a
      rock for the past 20 years?

      WHEELER
      Right. Any chance you remember a guy
      named Lonnie Lee Prescott? You might
      have handled a domestic assault in
      2010, over on Roselia?

      GUERRERO
      You're talking 30 years ago.

      HOLLOWAY
      Prescott would've been 13 at the
      time. Went to Penbrook.

      Guerrero snaps his fingers in recognition.

      GUERRERO
      I remember, sucked on Jolly Ranchers
      all through the interview.

      Wheeler eyes an electronic advertisement soaring above
      Wilshire: See your loved ones again! Visit The Chronicle!
      43.


      HOLLOWAY
      He was being abused?

      Wheeler's still locked on the ad: a montage of vibrant,
      smiling people and St. Louis landmarks.

      GUERRERO
      No, he was the abuser - had a younger
      sister. Family was terrified,
      neighbors' cats kept disappearing.
      What's going on?

      Wheeler's attention snaps back to Guerrero.

      WHEELER
      We know that he was involved in
      trafficking. And that he probably
      killed Sixto and Lucia Reyes.

      Guerrero's taken aback.

      GUERRERO
      You call it in?

      HOLLOWAY
      Looking for a warrant, but we're in
      the wind. Any info you...

      BLEEP. BLEEP. An incoming call cuts off Guerrero.

      HOLLOWAY (cont'd)
      Accept.

      Guerrero disappears. Lozano's face fills the car.

      LOZANO
      I have $30,000 in counterfeit bills
      for you. And some new clothes.
      Sleazy, but the kind of sleazy that
      someone with $30,000 would wear.
      Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

      Summary Holloway and Wheeler, while driving through downtown Los Angeles, make a call to former police officer Vincent Guerrero to gather information on Lonnie Lee Prescott. Guerrero shares details of Prescott's domestic assault case from 2010, and reveals Prescott's involvement in trafficking and suspicion of killing Sixto and Lucia Reyes. The scene concludes with Holloway and Wheeler receiving a call from Lozano, who offers them $30,000 in counterfeit bills.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Revealing important plot developments
      • Building tension and suspense
      Weaknesses

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and provides important plot developments. The dialogue is sharp and reveals key information about the characters and their motivations. The tension and suspense are effectively built throughout the scene.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of investigating a serial killer and uncovering a trafficking operation is intriguing and keeps the audience hooked. The introduction of cloning as a means to catch the killer adds a unique twist to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot progresses significantly in this scene as new information about the killer and his connection to the crimes is revealed. The scene also sets up the next steps in the investigation and raises the stakes for the characters.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and themes of crime investigation are familiar, the specific details and dialogue exchanges bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are clearly established. The introduction of Vincent Guerrero adds depth to the story and raises questions about his past involvement with the antagonist.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Vincent Guerrero and his past involvement with the antagonist hints at potential character arcs and personal growth.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information about Lonnie Lee Prescott and his past. This reflects their deeper need to solve the case and bring justice, as well as their desire to uncover the truth and protect others from harm.

        External Goal: 9

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to obtain information from Vincent Guerrero about Lonnie Lee Prescott and his involvement in trafficking and potential murders. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in the investigation.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing the challenge of finding the killer and stopping his crimes. There is also internal conflict within the characters as they grapple with their past mistakes and the urgency of the situation.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a challenge in obtaining information and the potential danger associated with the suspect, the audience is not left in complete suspense about the outcome.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene as the characters are closing in on the killer and the urgency to stop him increases. The revelation of cloning as a means to catch the killer adds an additional layer of stakes.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the antagonist, introducing a new character, and setting up the next steps in the investigation.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the suspect and his past, creating uncertainty about his motives and actions. The unexpected phone call and interruption also add to the unpredictability.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The revelation of the killer's identity and the introduction of cloning as a means to catch him adds an emotional weight to the scene.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their pasts. The conversations between the characters are tense and filled with subtext.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it introduces new information and raises questions about the investigation. The dialogue exchanges between the characters create tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the story.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and rhythm. The concise dialogue exchanges and the interruption of the phone call create a sense of urgency and keep the scene moving.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through dialogue exchanges that advance the plot and reveal information.


        Critique
        • The scene starts with a lot of exposition, which can be difficult to follow for the reader. Consider starting the scene with a more engaging hook, such as a conversation between Wheeler and Holloway about the case.
        • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. Consider rewording some of the lines to make them more conversational.
        • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. What are Wheeler and Holloway trying to achieve in this scene? Consider adding a specific goal or obstacle that they need to overcome.
        • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Consider adding a more satisfying resolution to the scene, such as Wheeler and Holloway getting a lead on Prescott or finding a way to get a warrant for his arrest.
        Suggestions
        • Start the scene with a more engaging hook, such as a conversation between Wheeler and Holloway about the case.
        • Reword some of the dialogue to make it more conversational.
        • Add a specific goal or obstacle that Wheeler and Holloway need to overcome.
        • Add a more satisfying resolution to the scene, such as Wheeler and Holloway getting a lead on Prescott or finding a way to get a warrant for his arrest.



        Scene 27 -  Planning the Sting on the Jolly Rancher
        INT. LOZANO'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

        Wheeler and Holloway hunch over a laptop in a spartan
        apartment as Lozano navigates a Tor browser.

        LOZANO
        You said his nickname was the Jolly
        Rancher. I did some looking on the
        Dark Web, found this.

        INSERT: Web page - The Outpost.
        44.


        WHEELER
        What is it?

        LOZANO
        It's like eBay, but for human
        traffickers and hit men. Here...

        She points at a series of messages from an account called
        'Jollyranch_r'.

        HOLLOWAY
        You sure it's our guy?

        LOZANO
        I did my research. Used AI to track
        down everything Prescott wrote
        online. Same diction and syntax - all
        the accounts use "I wonder if" rather
        than "I think". Refusing to
        acknowledge his own thoughts, it's a
        distancing technique. Both misspell
        words with double "r"s. Tracked him
        all the way back to print classifieds
        in the LA Times - he's been operating
        for decades.

        WHEELER
        Sounds like our guy. What's he up to
        now?

        LOZANO
        Still selling girls to other
        dirtbags. They use a code for
        business, but it's a simple Caesar
        shift. They didn't even bother hiding
        it in a Vigenère square

        HOLLOWAY
        This is all theoretical. We can't get
        him on this.

        LOZANO
        That's why I set up a buy. Tonight,
        11 pm at Candyland. You bring the
        $30k, and when he shows you the girl,
        you take him down.

        Holloway and Wheeler exchange looks. This could work.
        45.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Wheeler, Holloway, and Lozano meet to plan a sting operation on a human trafficker known as 'Jolly Rancher.' Lozano has found evidence of his activities on the Dark Web and sets up a buy with counterfeit money. The team prepares to meet Jolly Rancher at Candyland that night, but there is tension as they balance the need for evidence to convict him with their eagerness to arrest him.
        Strengths
        • Engaging dialogue
        • High stakes
        • Unique concept
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of urgency and high stakes. The unique elements of the Dark Web investigation and AI analysis add depth and intrigue to the plot. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the suspect and their criminal activities. The scene moves the story forward significantly and has a strong emotional impact.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of using the Dark Web and AI analysis to track down a human trafficker is innovative and adds a layer of complexity to the story. The scene effectively introduces and explores this concept, setting up a thrilling confrontation with the suspect.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene reveals crucial information about the suspect and their criminal activities, while also setting up a plan to catch them. The stakes are high, with the potential to rescue a kidnapped girl and bring down a dangerous criminal.

        Originality: 8

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of the criminal underworld and the use of AI in the investigation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Wheeler and Holloway are determined to catch the suspect and save the girl, while Lozano brings a unique perspective and expertise to the investigation. The scene also introduces the mysterious Jolly Rancher, who becomes a central focus of the plot.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' determination and resolve are reinforced. They are willing to take risks and go to great lengths to catch the suspect and save the girl.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather evidence and take down the antagonist. This reflects their deeper need for justice and their desire to protect innocent victims from harm.

        External Goal: 9

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to set up a buy with the antagonist and capture him in the act of selling a girl. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their mission to stop the criminal activities.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are in a race against time to catch the suspect and save the girl. There is also a sense of moral conflict as they navigate the ethical boundaries of their investigation.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of capturing a dangerous criminal. The audience doesn't know how the plan will go, adding to the opposition.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as the characters are racing against time to catch a dangerous human trafficker and save a kidnapped girl. The potential consequences of failure are dire, adding to the tension and urgency of the scene.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly, as crucial information about the suspect is revealed and a plan to catch them is set in motion. The stakes are raised, and the audience is left eager to see how the confrontation with the suspect will unfold.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the plan to capture the antagonist will go. There is a sense of uncertainty and risk.

        Philosophical Conflict: 7

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and the antagonist's belief in exploiting and harming others for personal gain. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they must confront the darkness and cruelty of the criminal underworld.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene has a strong emotional impact, as the characters are driven by a sense of justice and the desire to rescue a kidnapped girl. The tension and urgency of the situation create a palpable emotional intensity.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the suspect and their criminal activities. The characters' interactions are tense and filled with urgency. The dialogue effectively conveys the high stakes and the determination of the characters to catch the suspect.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and raises questions about the protagonist's plan to capture the antagonist. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and suspense.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The dialogue and action are well-paced and drive the scene forward.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. It is easy to read and understand.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines. It effectively conveys the necessary information and moves the story forward.


        Critique
        • The scene is too brief and doesn't provide enough context or character development. It feels like a fragment of a larger scene, and it's difficult to follow what's going on.
        • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real person would speak.
        • The scene lacks any sense of tension or suspense. The characters are simply going through the motions of setting up a buy, and there's no sense of danger or urgency.
        Suggestions
        • Expand the scene to provide more context and character development.
        • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
        • Add some tension or suspense to the scene to make it more engaging.



        Scene 28 -  Double-Cross at Candyland
        EXT. CANDYLAND NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

        Holloway sits in his idling car outside a seedy nightclub,
        chomping on a cigar as men with LED tattoos pour out of
        pimped-out cars that park themselves.


        INT. CANDYLAND NIGHTCLUB - CONTINUOUS

        Wheeler, decked out in tight jeans, wearing too much make-
        up, descends a staircase carrying a satchel. The metronomic
        sound of heavy bass thumps beneath the scene as she moves
        across the club floor... past a PIG WITH HUMAN EARS covering
        its entire body... her eyes searching the dim club... and
        falling on a man in a corner booth.

        He's nearing his 50s, drinking a bottle of beer. He notices
        Wheeler and smiles - his teeth are rotting stubs.


        INT. CANDYLAND NIGHTCLUB - LATER

        Wheeler and Prescott sit in the booth, eying each other
        warily. Prescott is sucking on a Jolly Rancher.

        PRESCOTT
        You got the 30, friend?

        Wheeler's eyes move to the satchel beneath the table.
        Prescott leans over, unzips the bag, shuffles through some
        of the bills, carefully runs his fingers over one. All good.

        PRESCOTT (CONTD)
        Fine and dandy, cotton candy.

        WHEELER
        What's her name?

        Prescott's expression hardens.

        PRESCOTT
        I said we're done talking - you
        fucking deaf? Why don't you go buy
        some new ears from Lana...

        Prescott motions towards a woman at the bar. The ear-covered
        pig cowers at her feat, cigar burns on its face.

        Prescott slides a key across the table to Wheeler...

        PRESCOTT (CONTD)
        115 Pico. Number 14. Her name is
        WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE.
        46.


        Prescott stands up to leave. But RONNIE TANNER, 56,
        overweight, drunkenly stumbles towards their table.

        Wheeler's face freezes as she spots him. She turns away...

        TANNER
        (thick Arkansas
        accent)
        Rae?! Rae Wheeler! Oh my god, you
        don't look a day over 35!

        WHEELER
        Sorry. You have the wrong...

        TANNER
        Ronnie Tanner! Caruthersville High,
        remember? How are things? How's your
        sis Molly - she had a kid, right?

        Prescott looks panicky...

        WHEELER
        You're mistaken.

        TANNER
        Beth told me you had gone to the
        police academy. I told her, I-

        Prescott rockets up from his seat, grabbing a .38 from his
        jacket, but Wheeler's already moving towards him, knocking
        it out of his hands, sending it to the floor. She dives
        after it as Prescott grabs her hair.

        She strains for the gun, just out of her grasp. Prescott
        SMASHES his beer bottle on the table just as Wheeler's
        fingers grip the handle of the gun.

        She swings the .38 towards Prescott as he comes at her with
        the broken bottle. She pulls the trigger -

        A RED LIGHT on the gun blinks - it doesn't fire.

        Prescott IMPALES Wheeler with the jagged bottle.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Detective Holloway waits outside a seedy nightclub called Candyland as men with LED tattoos arrive in pimped-out cars. Inside, Wheeler, wearing heavy makeup, meets with Prescott in a corner booth to exchange a satchel full of money for a key. Tensions rise when an old acquaintance, Ronnie Tanner, recognizes Wheeler, and Prescott attempts to attack her. Wheeler grabs a gun, but it fails to fire, resulting in Prescott impaling her with a broken bottle. The scene ends with Wheeler's injury, leaving the audience in suspense.
        Strengths
        • Intense dialogue
        • Suspenseful atmosphere
        • Twist ending
        Weaknesses
        • Limited exploration of themes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with intense dialogue and a shocking turn of events that leaves the audience on the edge of their seats.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a dangerous criminal meeting with a detective in a seedy nightclub adds intrigue and tension to the scene.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience hooked with its twists and turns.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a seedy nightclub is not entirely unique, the inclusion of LED tattoos and a pig with human ears adds a fresh and unconventional element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-defined and their interactions create tension and suspense.

        Character Changes: 7

        There is a slight character change as Wheeler is caught off guard by Ronnie Tanner's unexpected appearance.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to retrieve something from the satchel beneath the table and complete the transaction with Prescott. This goal reflects Wheeler's desire to succeed in her criminal activities and maintain her reputation.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete the transaction with Prescott and obtain the 30. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Wheeler is facing in her criminal activities.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 10

        The conflict between Wheeler and Prescott is intense and drives the scene forward.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong as Wheeler faces obstacles in completing the transaction with Prescott and is unexpectedly confronted by Ronnie Tanner. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are high as Wheeler and Prescott face off, with the potential for violence and the fate of a kidnapped girl hanging in the balance.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene reveals important information about Prescott's involvement in trafficking and moves the story closer to resolving the case.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter with Ronnie Tanner and the twist of the gun not firing. These elements create suspense and keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

        Dialogue: 10

        The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

        Engagement: 8

        This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing characters, establishes their goals, and builds tension through dialogue and action. The unexpected encounter with Ronnie Tanner adds an element of surprise and raises the stakes.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense. The quick and concise scene direction and dialogue keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and builds tension through dialogue and action.


        Critique
        • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
        • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural.
        • The action is not very clear and could be described in more detail.
        • The ending of the scene is a bit too abrupt and could be more satisfying.
        Suggestions
        • Consider shortening the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
        • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
        • Add more detail to the action to make it more clear and exciting.
        • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying.



        Scene 29 -  Prescott's Fatal Greed and the Mosquito Swarm
        INT. HOLLOWAY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

        Holloway stares out the car's windshield, the car idling,
        headlights on, eyes on the doorway.
        47.


        EXT. CANDYLAND NIGHTCLUB - CONTINUOUS

        Prescott races out, satchel in hand. Holloway throws open
        the car door, steps out...

        HOLLOWAY
        Hey!

        But Prescott keeps going, huffing, running full speed
        through the parking lot...

        Tearing into the street...

        Right into the path of a DASH BUS.

        He's obliterated. A cloud of counterfeit bills swirl in the
        streetlights as an ONLOOKER's scream echoes into the night.

        Holloway turns back towards the doorway, sees the ear-
        covered pig trot out, sees Wheeler stumbling into the
        ghostly beams of the car's headlights.

        Her shirt is soaked in blood. She collapses.

        Suddenly a MOSQUITO SIREN WAILS

        People in the streets panic, start sprinting in different
        directions - running into shops, buildings, special
        hermetically sealed booths.

        A SWARM OF MOSQUITOES heads towards the scene, covering
        streetlights and neon signs as it moves, bringing absolute
        darkness with it.

        Holloway eyes the approaching wave, eyes Wheeler on the
        ground -

        HOLLOWAY (cont'd)
        Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. SHIT!

        The cloud moves closer, the BUZZING of the swarm and the
        SIREN creating a complete cacophony of noise.

        Holloway hobbles as quickly as possible towards Wheeler,
        towards the approaching swarm.

        He bends over, gathering her in his arms, the swarm nearly
        on top of them.

        He limps back towards the car, dragging her, just a STEP
        AHEAD OF COMPLETE DARKNESS...
        48.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Holloway waits for Prescott outside the Candyland Nightclub when Prescott, carrying a satchel of counterfeit money, is hit by a bus and killed. Wheeler emerges from the club, covered in blood, and collapses. As a swarm of mosquitoes approaches, causing panic, Holloway rushes to Wheeler's aid and carries him to safety. The scene is intense, chaotic, and suspenseful, with the flashing lights of the bus and the swarm of mosquitoes adding to the danger and urgency.
        Strengths
        • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
        • Sharp and impactful dialogue
        • Revealing important information about the investigation
        • Unique and memorable elements like the swarm of mosquitoes
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development in this specific scene

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of danger and urgency. The use of the swarm of mosquitoes as a threat adds a unique and memorable element. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, and the plot moves forward significantly.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a human trafficker known as 'Jolly Rancher' and the investigation to catch him is intriguing and keeps the audience hooked. The use of counterfeit bills and the Sanctity of Life Act adds depth to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense. The scene reveals crucial information about the investigation and raises the stakes for the characters. The introduction of Lonnie Lee Prescott as a potential suspect adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a swarm of mosquitoes causing chaos is unique, the overall situation of a protagonist trying to save someone in a dangerous environment is a familiar one. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Wheeler's determination and Holloway's guilt drive the scene forward. Lozano's resourcefulness and willingness to take risks make her an intriguing character.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the events and challenges faced by the characters contribute to their growth and development throughout the story.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Wheeler and escape the approaching swarm of mosquitoes. This reflects his deeper need to protect and care for others, as well as his fear of losing someone important to him.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the chaos and darkness caused by the swarm of mosquitoes. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are faced with the challenge of catching the human trafficker while dealing with their own personal demons.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of saving Wheeler and escaping the swarm of mosquitoes. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are high as the characters are racing against time to catch the human trafficker and save potential victims. The danger and urgency are heightened by the presence of the swarm of mosquitoes.

        Story Forward: 10

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing important information about the investigation and introducing new challenges for the characters.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know if the protagonist will be able to save Wheeler and escape the swarm of mosquitoes. The sudden appearance of the swarm adds an element of surprise.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes fear and desperation, especially when Wheeler is injured and the swarm of mosquitoes approaches. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' struggle to stop the human trafficker.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the investigation. The conversation between Holloway and Wheeler in the car showcases their desperation and determination.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the protagonist into a life-threatening situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced action and suspense.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The quick succession of events and the use of short sentences and descriptions enhance the pacing.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is clear and easy to follow.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively builds tension and suspense through its sequence of events.


        Critique
        • The scene is quite intense and full of action, which can make it difficult to follow at times. Consider breaking it down into smaller, more manageable chunks to help the reader keep up with the pace.
        • The use of onomatopoeia (e.g., 'obliterated', 'BUZZING') helps to create a sense of urgency and chaos, but overusing it might diminish its impact. Try to balance it out with more descriptive language.
        • The sudden shift in tone from the previous scene might feel jarring. It's essential to maintain consistency in the emotional build-up, even when changing the pace or introducing new conflicts.
        Suggestions
        • Consider adding more descriptive language to help the reader visualize the scene better. For instance, describe the appearance of the onlooker, the state of Prescott's body after being hit by the bus, or the expressions on Wheeler's and Holloway's faces.
        • To create a stronger emotional connection, try to maintain a consistent tone between scenes. This will help the reader better understand the characters' motivations and reactions.
        • Break the scene into smaller sections to help the reader follow the action more easily. This can be done by adding more camera angles, character reactions, or environmental descriptions.



        Scene 30 -  Escape from the Black Cloud
        INT. HOLLOWAY'S CAR - NIGHT

        Holloway drags Wheeler into the backseat. The ear pig
        follows, climbing in as...

        Holloway slams the door, just as they're completely
        swallowed by the black cloud.

        SMART CAR SYSTEM
        Visibility is zero percent. This
        vehicle cannot operate until safe...

        HOLLOWAY
        Manual drive.

        A steering wheel slides out into Holloway's hands. He slams
        the car into reverse, peeling out of the parking lot.

        He floors it through the darkness of the swarm, weaving
        chaotically between stopped self-driving vehicles.

        HOLLOWAY (cont'd)
        No problem, Rae. No worries at all.
        There's a doc two blocks from here.

        Holloway roars around an abandoned rickshaw and SCREECHES to
        a stop in front of a building with a blue neon cross.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary In a tense and urgent scene, Holloway takes control of his car and drives through a black cloud event, dragging Wheeler and the ear pig to safety. He switches to manual drive and recklessly weaves through the darkness, evading stopped self-driving vehicles. The group reaches their destination, a building with a neon cross, presumably a medical facility.
        Strengths
        • Intense suspense
        • Unique elements
        • Well-developed plot
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of tension and danger. The unique elements and high stakes contribute to the overall rating.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of using self-driving vehicles, private police app, and counterfeit money adds intrigue and excitement to the scene.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The search for the Jolly Rancher and the revelation of Lonnie Lee Prescott's involvement in trafficking create a compelling narrative.

        Originality: 7

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through the unique setting of a black cloud and the use of self-driving vehicles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the situation they are in.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reflect their determination and commitment to stopping the Jolly Rancher.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to stay calm and reassure Rae that everything will be okay. This reflects his desire to protect and comfort her in a dangerous situation.

        External Goal: 9

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a doctor for Rae. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing, which is her need for medical attention.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between the characters, the swarm of mosquitoes, and the imminent danger of the situation create a high level of conflict.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters face the challenge of navigating through the swarm of self-driving vehicles. The audience is unsure of how they will overcome this obstacle.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are extremely high, with the characters risking their lives to catch a dangerous criminal and save potential victims.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the Jolly Rancher and setting up the plan to catch him.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the characters will navigate through the swarm of self-driving vehicles and whether they will find a doctor in time. The obstacles they face add to the suspense and keep the audience guessing.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes a sense of fear, tension, and concern for the characters' safety.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is sharp and helps to reveal important information about the characters and the plot. It also adds to the overall tension and suspense.

        Engagement: 10

        This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the characters into a dangerous situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The fast-paced action and high stakes create a sense of excitement and suspense.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of urgency and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick and action-driven dialogue, as well as the fast-paced movement of the characters, contribute to its effectiveness.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the characters' goals, and builds tension through action and dialogue.


        Critique
        • The scene starts with the characters already in the car. It would be more engaging to show them getting into the car and preparing to drive away.
        • The dialogue between Holloway and the smart car system is unnecessary. It would be more efficient to have Holloway simply slam the car into reverse and peel out of the parking lot.
        • The description of Holloway weaving chaotically between stopped self-driving vehicles is a bit too vague and could be improved by providing more specific details about the environment.
        • The line "No problem, Rae. No worries at all. There's a doc two blocks from here." is a bit awkward and could be rephrased to sound more natural.
        • The scene ends with Holloway screeching to a stop in front of a building with a blue neon cross. It would be more effective to show Holloway and Wheeler actually entering the building and seeking help.
        Suggestions
        • Start the scene with Holloway and Wheeler getting into the car and preparing to drive away. This will give the reader a better sense of the situation and the characters' motivations.
        • Remove the dialogue between Holloway and the smart car system. It is unnecessary and slows down the pace of the scene.
        • Provide more specific details about the environment when describing Holloway weaving chaotically between stopped self-driving vehicles.
        • Rephrase the line "No problem, Rae. No worries at all. There's a doc two blocks from here." to sound more natural.
        • End the scene with Holloway and Wheeler actually entering the building and seeking help. This will give the reader a sense of closure and leave them wanting more.



        Scene 31 -  Desperate Measures in the Medical Center
        INT. EZ MEDICAL CENTER - NIGHT

        Holloway limps through the door of a spartan room,
        struggling to support Wheeler's body. There's nothing but an
        operating table and a machine that looks like an ATM.

        He puts Wheeler on the table, and a laser scanner emerges,
        zips over Wheeler.

        ELECTRONIC VOICE
        Your bill is now ready.

        Holloway turns to the machine, places his thumb on a pad.

        ELECTRONIC VOICE
        Your payment has been declined.

        Holloway's losing it. He smashes his fist into the side of
        the machine.

        A hand gently moves towards the machine - places a thumb on
        the pad.

        ELECTRONIC VOICE (cont'd)
        Insurance verified. Thank you.
        49.


        Holloway turns...

        LOZANO
        Only good thing about working for Big
        Blue is the insurance.

        Holloway smiles at Lozano in surprise and relief - but a
        worried look crosses her face.

        LOZANO (cont'd)
        Ben. Don't move.

        A mosquito probes Ben's neck. He freezes, not daring to even
        breathe. Lozano moves her hand slowly towards him, raises it
        above his neck, smashes the insect.

        She looks at Ben with concern.

        LOZANO (cont'd)
        Did it get you?

        HOLLOWAY
        I don't think so.

        LOZANO
        You don't think so or you know?

        HOLLOWAY
        No. It didn't get me.

        Lozano looks at him warily, unsure.

        Wheeler gurgles on the table, struggling to speak as the
        medical machine kicks into action...

        WHEELER
        115 Pico. Number 14.

        She opens a clenched fist... a key clatters to the floor.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Holloway and Wheeler enter a medical center, with Holloway struggling to support Wheeler's body. They place him on an operating table, where a laser scanner scans Wheeler. Holloway becomes enraged when the machine announces his payment has been declined, but Lozano is able to cover the cost with her insurance. As they wait, Lozano notices a mosquito near Holloway and kills it. The machine examines Wheeler, and the scene ends with Holloway finding a key on the floor. Throughout the scene, Holloway's desperation clashes with Lozano's calmness, adding to the tense and suspenseful atmosphere.
        Strengths
        • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
        • Unique and innovative elements
        • Strong character introductions
        Weaknesses
        • Some dialogue could be more impactful

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of tension and urgency. The unique elements and unexpected twists keep the audience hooked.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of using advanced technology, such as self-driving vehicles and DNA cloning, adds depth and intrigue to the story. The use of holograms to represent missing children is a powerful and emotional concept.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The search for the Jolly Rancher and the revelation of DNA cloning add layers of complexity and suspense.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a medical center is familiar, the specific situation of Holloway struggling to get medical assistance for Wheeler adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions are clear. The introduction of Anna Lozano adds a strong and determined female character to the scene.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the introduction of Anna Lozano and her determination to stop the Jolly Rancher shows a strong and determined character.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Wheeler's life. This reflects Holloway's deeper need to protect and care for his friend, as well as his fear of losing him.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get medical assistance for Wheeler. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing, which is Wheeler's critical condition and the need for urgent medical attention.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between the characters, the threat of the Jolly Rancher, and the impending execution of Casper Norwood.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as Holloway faces the obstacle of the machine not accepting his payment and the uncertainty of whether he will be able to get medical assistance for Wheeler.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high as the characters are racing against time to catch the Jolly Rancher and save Casper Norwood. The threat of violence and the potential for more victims adds to the high stakes.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the Jolly Rancher, introducing the concept of DNA cloning, and setting up the plan to catch him.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know if Holloway will be able to get the medical assistance he needs for Wheeler.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes emotions of concern, worry, and relief. The mention of missing children and the use of holograms create an emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension. The personal story shared by Lozano adds depth to her character and creates an emotional connection with the audience.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and creates tension through the characters' actions and dialogue.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


        Critique
        • The scene begins with Holloway and Wheeler arriving at a medical facility, but it's not clear how they got there or what happened after the events of the previous scene. Adding a brief description of their journey or a transition to establish the new setting would help smooth the flow of the narrative.
        • The dialogue between Holloway, Lozano, and Wheeler is concise and functional, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. Consider adding subtle nuances or subtext to the characters' interactions to make them feel more authentic and engaging.
        • The medical machine's interaction with Holloway and Lozano is a bit abrupt and technical. Expanding on the machine's functions and the characters' reactions to it could enhance the scene's atmosphere and build tension.
        • The moment when Lozano smashes the mosquito is effective in conveying the threat of the insects, but it could be further emphasized by adding sensory details or describing the mosquito's behavior in more detail. This would heighten the sense of danger and make the scene more impactful.
        • Wheeler's gurgling and the key she produces are intriguing elements, but they're not fully explored in this scene. Providing more context or immediately following up on these details would strengthen the scene's impact and leave the reader eager for more.
        Suggestions
        • Consider adding a brief transition or description to connect the previous scene to the medical facility setting.
        • Explore the characters' emotions and motivations through their dialogue. Add subtle cues or subtext to make their interactions more nuanced and engaging.
        • Expand on the medical machine's functions and the characters' reactions to it. Describe its appearance, sounds, and the characters' body language to enhance the scene's atmosphere.
        • Enhance the impact of the mosquito-smashing moment by adding sensory details or describing the mosquito's behavior in more detail. This could involve describing the sound of the impact, the mosquito's挣扎, or the characters' reactions.
        • Provide more context or immediately follow up on Wheeler's gurgling and the key she produces. This will create a stronger hook for the reader and leave them eager to discover the significance of these elements.



        Scene 32 -  Wheeler's Disappointment and Reflection
        INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

        Wheeler watches a Smart Wall from a hospital bed.

        News footage fills the wall - a burning cop car in the 600
        block of Dolly Lake - trails of blood - two dead private
        cops hanging from the overpass above Greene Street.

        FEMALE NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
        ...Execution-style. That means Dolly
        Lake has no active police force at
        this time, officially becoming a dark
        district.
        50.


        Wheeler looks dejected, shuts off the wall.

        HOLLOWAY (O.S.)
        The Governor stayed Norwood's
        execution with 12 minutes to spare.

        Wheeler turns to see Holloway standing in the doorway. He
        walks over, sits by the bed, takes off his fedora.

        WHEELER
        Yeah. Saw it on the news.

        HOLLOWAY
        The DA will review his file. He'll be
        exonerated, freed in a month.

        WHEELER
        And Prescott?

        HOLLOWAY
        Dead right there. Address was for a
        storage unit, had two of 'em. They
        pulled a girl from the one with a
        key, the other was filled with
        trophies. Looks like stuff from at
        least 16 other girls. They're still
        sifting through it.

        WHEELER
        We shoulda gotten him 20 years ago.

        Holloway grunts in agreement.

        HOLLOWAY
        Found Lucia's jacket and a .45 ACP in
        his family's home. Ballistics matched
        it to the bullet that killed Sixto.
        Strange thing is, the gun was
        registered to Sixto.

        WHEELER
        He was killed with his own gun?

        HOLLOWAY
        So much for protection.

        Wheeler's expression clouds, thinking on this.

        BEGIN MONTAGE:

        - BEACH/MEDICAL CENTER: Wheeler runs across the sands of a
        tropical beach, huffing. She bends over, winded, and the
        beachscape suddenly vanishes, revealing she's on a treadmill
        in a medical evaluation room. A TECHNICIAN takes notes.
        51.


        - MEDICAL CENTER: Wheeler sits in front of a large screen
        displaying various images; boiling water, a fogged-up
        window, a dead body wrapped in plastic, a merry-go-round, a
        3-legged cat. A scanner runs over her head, registering.

        - MEDICAL CENTER: A CLERK passes a bag to Wheeler. She
        empties it on a counter; a smashed cellphone, cigarettes,
        car keys with a Dodgers key ring.

        - WHEELER'S APARTMENT: Wheeler carries a box into an
        unfurnished apartment. Holloway enters behind her, walking
        the ear pig on a leash.

        - DINGY GYM: Wheeler boxes an ATLAS 24X TRAINING ROBOT. She
        lands a few jabs before the bot gets her with a light left
        cross. Wheeler counters, landing a succession of hard body
        blows, launching into a vicious uppercut, flooring the bot.
        Then she's on top of it, out of control, battering it. The
        bot's eyes go dark as Wheeler's pulled off by an instructer.

        - WHEELER'S APARTMENT: Wheeler and the ear pig sit on a
        sofa, watching an old Dodgers game on the Smart wall. A buff
        young player, DIXON TYLER, 25, launches a mammoth home run.

        - DEAD-END STREET: Wheeler approaches a sun-beaten garage
        and lifts the old steel shutter, revealing a candy-red 1968
        Mustang. Her car keys dangle in her hands.

        - WHEELER'S APARTMENT: Wheeler and the ear pig sprawl on the
        couch as Wheeler reads the LA Times. The cover proclaims:
        LAPD Chief ties Prescott to 6 more bodies.

        On the Smart wall, Dixon Tyler, now 33 and bearded, ropes a
        double - not quite the same power.

        - SUBURBAN STREET: Wheeler sits in the driver's seat of the
        red Mustang, staring at a quaint white home. She holds a
        photo up to it - in the photo the house is blue, and 5-year-
        old Sam Wheeler laughs happily on a swing set in the front
        yard as Molly Wheeler pushes him.

        A MAN emerges from the house, notices Rae staring. Wheeler
        pulls away.

        - WHEELER'S APARTMENT: Wheeler tries to operate a 3D food
        printer in the kitchen while simultaneously watching a
        Dodgers game on the living room's wall. The stadium has
        changed, floating electronic ads are everywhere. A PITCHER
        with a mechanical arm unleashes a devastating curve, and
        Dixon Tyler, 39 and heavyset, strikes out. The 3D food
        printer spits brown maker everywhere.

        END MONTAGE
        52.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

        Summary Wheeler, feeling dejected, watches news footage about the recent violence in Dolly Lake. Holloway informs her that Norwood's execution was stayed and he will be exonerated in a month, and that Prescott was killed in a storage unit filled with trophies from at least 16 other girls. The scene takes place in a hospital room during the day, and ends with Wheeler looking thoughtful and downhearted.
        Strengths
        • Intense and engaging plot
        • Revelations and twists
        • High-stakes and tension
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more impactful

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and intense, with significant plot developments and revelations. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and sets up the climax of the story.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of genetic cloning and the use of the Dark Web for investigation add depth and complexity to the story. The use of counterfeit money also adds a layer of intrigue and danger.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns. It keeps the audience guessing and invested in the outcome.

        Originality: 7

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its depiction of a dystopian society and the use of advanced technology. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their actions and motivations drive the plot forward. Their interactions and conflicts add depth to the story.

        Character Changes: 8

        The characters undergo significant changes and face the consequences of their actions, which adds depth to their arcs.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to process and come to terms with the recent events and revelations regarding the case they have been working on. This reflects their deeper need for justice and closure, as well as their fear of the consequences of their actions.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information and make sense of the new developments in the case. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the crime and bringing the perpetrator to justice.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, which creates tension and drives the story forward.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles in their pursuit of justice. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, creating tension and suspense.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high, with lives on the line and the need to stop a dangerous human trafficker. The consequences of failure are severe.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up the climax of the story.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new twists and revelations in the case, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome. The montage sequence also adds an element of surprise and unexpectedness.

        Philosophical Conflict: 6

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of their work and the challenges and sacrifices they have to make in order to achieve justice. This conflict challenges their values and worldview.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the revelations and consequences faced by the characters.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. However, it could be more impactful and memorable.

        Engagement: 8

        This scene is engaging because it presents new information and developments in the case, creating suspense and intrigue. The protagonist's emotional journey and the montage sequence also add depth and interest to the scene.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action. The montage sequence adds variety and momentum to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. The scene is easy to read and understand.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines. The pacing and progression of the scene are well-executed.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
        • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
        • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by at least a third without losing any of the important information.
        • The montage is too long and disjointed. It doesn't add anything to the scene and it breaks up the flow of the story.
        • The scene ends abruptly. It's not clear what happens next or what the characters are going to do.
        Suggestions
        • Add a clear purpose to the scene. What are the characters trying to achieve? What are the stakes?
        • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
        • Cut down the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action.
        • Shorten the montage and make it more focused. Only include shots that are essential to the story.
        • Give the scene a proper ending. What happens next? What do the characters do?



        Scene 33 -  Frustrations Amidst Grief: Wheeler and the Coffee Machine
        INT. CITY HALL - DAY

        Wheeler's hand wraps around a sleek Glock 19; a green light
        on the gun blinks.

        A bored clerk slides some papers across a counter.

        CLERK
        Your gun has now been bio-paired and
        can only be fired by you. All spent
        bullets will contain your unique
        signature. Head to window 6.

        Wheeler starts to move off, when Holloway stops her.

        HOLLOWAY
        I'll drop off the paperwork if you
        grab us a couple coffees.

        Wheeler looks at him, confused.

        HOLLOWAY (CONTD)
        I'm out of CO2 credits.


        INT. VENDING AREA - LATER

        A TV plays overhead as Wheeler stands at a coffee machine.

        ON TV: Disaster footage from The Event plays under a
        newscaster's somber voice.

        NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
        And as we approach the anniversary of
        The Event...

        Wheeler struggles with the coffee machine, which is refusing
        to acknowledge her thumbprint - red light.

        NEWSCASTER (V.O.) (cont'd)
        ...Americans across the country
        gather to share their memories, and
        their grief.

        Wheeler eyes the TV - families at a makeshift memorial.

        She wipes her hand on her shirt. Presses her thumb to the
        coffee machine again - red light. She's getting agitated.

        ON TV: A woman juggles a cute baby.
        53.


        WOMAN
        The hardest part is not being able to
        put her to rest. Mama's body still
        being in that sunken...

        Wheeler tries her other thumb. Red light.
        Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

        Summary Wheeler, a gun-bearer with a bio-paired weapon, struggles to get a coffee machine to accept her thumbprint after Holloway asks her to get them coffee. The coffee machine's malfunction serves as a source of frustration while Wheeler is also grappling with the aftermath of 'The Event' she sees on the TV, which displays disaster footage and a woman's distress about not being able to lay her baby to rest. Ultimately, Wheeler remains unsuccessful in her attempts with the coffee machine.
        Strengths
        • Fast-paced plot
        • Unique technological elements
        • Tense atmosphere
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more impactful
        • Emotional impact could be deeper

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is filled with tension and introduces several unique elements that add intrigue and suspense to the story. The use of technology and the dark underbelly of society create a compelling atmosphere.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a futuristic world with advanced technology and criminal activities is intriguing and well-executed. The use of bio-paired guns and CO2 credits adds depth to the world-building.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns. The introduction of the Jolly Rancher and the mission to catch him adds a sense of urgency and high stakes to the scene.

        Originality: 5

        This scene does not introduce any particularly unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and consistent with the established world.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Lozano's determination to stop the killer and Holloway's guilt over not saving all the children add depth to their personalities.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there are hints of character change, particularly in Holloway's guilt and Lozano's determination, it is not fully explored in this scene.

        Internal Goal: 8

        Wheeler's internal goal in this scene is to successfully operate the coffee machine and get coffee for herself and Holloway. This goal reflects her desire to complete a simple task and potentially alleviate some of her frustration or agitation.

        External Goal: 7

        Wheeler's external goal in this scene is to complete the paperwork and head to window 6. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing in the City Hall.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The tension between the characters, the threat of the killer, and the race against time create a high level of conflict.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Wheeler faces the obstacle of the coffee machine not recognizing her thumbprint. The audience is unsure of how she will overcome this obstacle.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the lives of missing children at risk, the urgency to catch the killer, and the impending execution of Casper Norwood.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new information, advancing the investigation, and setting up the next steps in the mission to catch the killer.

        Unpredictability: 6

        This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the issue of the coffee machine not recognizing Wheeler's thumbprint, creating a small obstacle that adds tension and uncertainty.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes a sense of grief and agitation, particularly through the portrayal of missing children and the personal stories shared by the characters. However, there is room for deeper emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension. However, there are moments where it could be more impactful and memorable.

        Engagement: 7

        This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable situation of struggling with a malfunctioning coffee machine, and it also hints at the larger world and events happening outside of the immediate scene.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the frustration and tension experienced by the protagonist, as well as maintaining the audience's interest.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


        Critique
        • The scene is overly reliant on visual cues and doesn't provide enough context for the reader.
        Suggestions
        • Add more dialogue between Wheeler and Holloway to explain what's happening.
        • Provide more backstory on the characters and their relationship.



        Scene 34 -  Disaster Support Group Meeting at the Celestial Church of Christ
        INT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS

        Holloway makes his way across the floor, paperwork taken
        care of. He pokes his head into the vending room...


        INT. VENDING AREA - CONTINUOUS

        HOLLOWAY
        Remember, two sugars -

        The coffee machine is smashed to pieces. Holloway sees the
        disaster footage on TV, looks at Wheeler.


        EXT. THE CELESTIAL CHURCH OF CHRIST - NIGHT

        A squat church that's seen better days. The sign on the
        marquee reads: "The Event Support Group Tonight".

        JERRY (PRE-LAP)
        I've been spending a lot of time in
        The Chronicle.


        INT. CHURCH HALL - CONTINUOUS

        A circle of people sit on folding chairs in a snug church
        hall. Wheeler watched as JERRY, a pony-tailed man, speaks.

        JERRY
        I mean, I know lots of people do. But
        I didn't even lose anyone in The
        Event. I just hang out in Swingles.
        It's a karaoke bar in the Holiday Inn
        by the airport. It's - I don't know,
        I just like it better there. There's
        this blonde, Louise, always drinking
        the same Bloody Mary.

        GROUP LEADER
        And how about you, Rae?

        Wheeler is silent for a moment, unsure where to begin.
        54.


        WHEELER
        When I was 11, we went to the mall in
        Carruthersville. My mother was trying
        to get on as a cashier at Sears.
        Condition of her probation, so
        everything was riding on this.

        The group's confused, not sure where she's going with this.

        WHEELER (CONTD)
        While my mother was talking to the
        manager, my sister Molly wandered off
        to watch cartoons in the electronics
        section, just for a minute, because
        we didn't have a TV at home. But 5
        minutes passed... 10... 15.

        A few murmurs of concern from the group.

        WHEELER (CONTD) (cont'd)
        So I tried to tell my mom, I said,
        'Molly's gone. Molly's gone, ma!' But
        she kept shushing me. I went to tell
        the security guard, but then noticed
        he was gone too. So I went into the
        mall and I looked everywhere. Then I
        found this disused utility closet in
        a service hallway by the old food
        court. I could hear something. It -

        The GROUP LEADER cuts her off.

        GROUP LEADER
        Sorry to interrupt. This group is
        more for practical matters. Like how
        to deal with insurance companies who
        won't pay catastrophe claims or -

        LILLY, a 30-year-old brunette, pipes up.

        LILLY
        Shut the fuck up, Ted.

        GROUP LEADER
        It's a liability issue. We're not
        therapists.

        Lilly lights a cigarette, takes a long drag.

        GROUP LEADER (CONTD)
        You can't smoke in here, Lilly.

        An older woman shoots Lilly a look that could kill...
        55.


        OLD WOMAN
        You can't smoke anywhere.
        Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

        Summary Holloway discovers the vending machine in City Hall is destroyed, and he sees disaster footage on TV. At the Celestial Church of Christ, a support group meets where Jerry shares about spending time in The Chronicle, and Wheeler recounts losing her sister in a mall. The group leader interrupts Wheeler, causing tension, and Lilly gets into an argument with him. The scene ends with Lilly smoking and an old woman reprimanding her.
        Strengths
        • Intense and engaging plot
        • Impactful dialogue
        • Unique elements like genetic cloning and holograms of missing children
        Weaknesses
        • Limited exploration of themes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a mix of emotional moments and thrilling elements. The dialogue is impactful and the plot moves forward significantly.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of genetic cloning and using holograms to find missing children is unique and adds depth to the story. The investigation into human trafficking and the use of counterfeit money also adds intrigue.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense. The scene reveals important information about the killer and sets up the next steps in the investigation.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situations and settings are familiar, the characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clear. Lozano's determination and Holloway's guilt add depth to the scene.

        Character Changes: 8

        Wheeler experiences a change in her emotional state as she shares her personal story and confronts her past. Lozano's determination and resolve also show a change in her character.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to share a personal experience and connect with the support group. This reflects their need for understanding, validation, and emotional release.

        External Goal: 6

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined. It seems to be to participate in the support group and share their story.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are facing physical danger and emotional turmoil.

        Opposition: 6

        The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are no major obstacles or conflicts, there is tension and disagreement between some characters, creating a sense of opposition and challenge.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high as the characters are trying to stop a killer and rescue a kidnapped girl. The danger and urgency are palpable.

        Story Forward: 10

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing important information about the killer and setting up the next steps in the investigation.

        Unpredictability: 5

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's personal story and the confrontational behavior of some characters. These elements add tension and uncertainty to the scene.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes emotions of sadness, guilt, and determination. The personal story shared by Wheeler adds an emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. The personal story shared by Wheeler adds emotional depth to the scene.

        Engagement: 7

        This scene is engaging because it introduces a support group setting and presents characters with emotional stories and conflicts. The dialogue and interactions between the characters create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience interested in the scene.

        Pacing: 7

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact. The scene is not rushed, giving the audience time to absorb the characters' stories and reactions.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene is properly formatted with scene headings, character names, and dialogue. The formatting enhances readability and clarity.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene flows smoothly and transitions between locations are clear.


        Critique
        • The scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear focus. It starts with Holloway in the vending room, then cuts to a support group meeting at the Celestial Church of Christ. While the transition is not necessarily bad, it feels abrupt and the connection between the two events is not immediately clear.
        • The support group scene could benefit from more context and a clearer purpose. It is not clear what the group is about or how it relates to the overall story. Additionally, the scene starts with Jerry talking about spending time in 'The Chronicle,' but the concept of 'The Chronicle' is not introduced or explained beforehand, leaving the audience confused.
        • The dialogue in the support group scene could be more impactful. While Wheeler's story about losing her sister in the mall is touching, it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and does not contribute to the group's discussion. The group leader's interruption further disrupts the flow of the scene.
        • The scene ends with an older woman reprimanding Lilly for smoking, which feels like an abrupt and unsatisfying conclusion. It does not provide any resolution or advancement to the story, leaving the audience wondering about the purpose of this scene.
        Suggestions
        • Consider clarifying the purpose and context of the support group scene to help the audience understand its relevance to the story. You could introduce the group's focus and establish 'The Chronicle' as a significant concept before Jerry mentions it.
        • Revise the dialogue in the support group scene to make it more engaging and connected to the group's discussion. You could have Wheeler share her story in response to a specific question or topic, making it feel more integrated and purposeful.
        • Consider adding a resolution or advancement to the story at the end of the scene. For example, you could have Wheeler connect with Lilly over their shared experiences, setting the stage for future interactions.
        • Overall, make sure each scene has a clear purpose and advances the story in some way. This will help keep the audience engaged and invested in the narrative.



        Scene 35 -  A Casual Encounter with Cigarettes and Secrets
        EXT. CHURCH HALL - LATER

        Lilly loiters outside the hall, smoking, as Wheeler exits.

        The sleeve of Lilly's jacket is pulled up, revealing a
        forearm covered in tattoos.

        These tattoos will eventually send Wheeler on a blood-soaked
        quest through the secret history of Los Angeles, but right
        now they look like a classic tableau - a coiled mamushi
        snake, the coordinates for Mesa Huerfanita, New Mexico, a
        moon hidden by a partial eclipse - no indication that
        they'll one day lead to a pile of bodies in the Getty
        Center's glass elevator.

        Wheeler motions towards the cigarette -

        WHEELER
        Where'd you get that?

        LILLY
        You gonna bust me?

        WHEELER
        Nope. I'm just out.

        Lilly passes her a smoke.

        LILLY
        Got a guy on Alameda

        She lights Wheeler's cigarette, eyes her...

        LILLY (CONTD)
        You know, people like you, the really
        fucked up ones, they're the ones who
        usually wind up living their lives in
        the Chronicle. Like Jerry in there,
        creeping around a depressing airport
        singles bar, stalking a dead woman.

        WHEELER
        Guess I'm kinda out of the loop.

        Lilly stares up at the night sky, ablaze with satellites.

        LILLY
        Out of the loop is the best place to
        be.
        (MORE)
        56.

        LILLY (cont'd)
        The Chronicle's auto-rendered from
        CCTV footage, Snapchats, pics of
        dinners, social media check-ins,
        cell-phone data. You know how they
        have those, those maps that let you
        zoom in on any place in the world?
        It's like that, but with time.

        Wheeler shakes her head -

        WHEELER
        I spent my whole life trying to get
        out of that shit town - not going
        back in in some video game.

        She turns to walk away.

        LILLIE
        Hey - your mom get the job at Sears?

        WHEELER
        Failed the piss test.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

        Summary Lilly, adorned with tattoos that later lead Wheeler on a violent journey, is smoking outside a church hall when Wheeler exits. They converse about the Chronicle and Wheeler's desire to avoid it, while Lilly shares details about its workings. The scene concludes with Lilly inquiring about Wheeler's mom's job at Sears, revealing Wheeler's failed piss test.
        Strengths
        • Engaging plot
        • Unique and intriguing elements
        • Strong sense of mystery and danger
        • Well-defined characters
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development in this scene

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of mystery and danger. It introduces several unique and intriguing elements that keep the audience hooked.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of cloning the killer's DNA and using holograms to find missing children adds a unique and innovative twist to the crime thriller genre.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged with its twists and revelations. The search for the abductor and the plan to catch the human trafficker provide a clear objective for the characters.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a dark and dangerous underbelly of Los Angeles is not entirely unique, the specific details and the way they are presented, such as the tattoos and the Chronicle, add a fresh approach to familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions drive the plot forward. Their interactions and revelations add depth to the story.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the revelations and challenges they face contribute to their development throughout the story.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of detachment and distance from the dark and dangerous world that Lilly represents. This reflects the protagonist's deeper need for self-preservation and a desire to avoid getting entangled in Lilly's dangerous lifestyle.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a casual conversation with Lilly and gather information about where to get cigarettes. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenge of navigating the protagonist's relationship with Lilly.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters face moral dilemmas, danger, and the urgency of stopping a killer.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict between the characters, there is an underlying tension and opposing viewpoints that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interaction.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are extremely high, with the lives of missing children at risk and the urgency to stop a killer before more harm is done.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by providing important information, advancing the investigation, and setting up the plan to catch the human trafficker.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces elements, such as the tattoos and the Chronicle, that hint at a larger and more dangerous world beyond the immediate conversation between the characters. The audience is left wondering what will happen next and how these elements will play out in the narrative.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Wheeler's desire to escape the dark and dangerous world represented by Lilly and Lilly's belief that being 'out of the loop' is the best place to be. This challenges Wheeler's values and worldview, as she has spent her whole life trying to get out of a similar environment.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes strong emotions, such as guilt, shock, and panic. The characters' struggles and the high stakes create a sense of tension and suspense.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing characters, creates a sense of mystery and danger, and develops tension through the dialogue. The reader is drawn into the world and wants to know more about the characters and their stories.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' dialogue and the introduction of mysterious elements. The scene flows smoothly and maintains the reader's interest.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and narrative descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses through their conversation. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


        Critique
        • The scene does a good job of providing some world-building information about the Chronicle and its relationship to technology and surveillance. However, the connection between this information and the main plot of the story is not immediately clear.
        • The dialogue between Wheeler and Lilly is natural and engaging, but the significance of Lilly's tattoos and their connection to the main plot is not fully developed in this scene. This could be an opportunity to build tension and anticipation for future events.
        • The scene ends somewhat abruptly, with Wheeler's response to Lilly's question about her mother's job at Sears. It might be more effective to have a more substantial resolution or cliffhanger to keep the reader engaged and interested in the story.
        Suggestions
        • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at the larger significance of Lilly's tattoos and their connection to the main plot. This could help build tension and anticipation for future events.
        • Consider adding a more substantial resolution or cliffhanger to the end of the scene. This could help keep the reader engaged and interested in the story.
        • Consider clarifying the connection between the information about the Chronicle and the main plot of the story. This could help make the scene feel more integral to the overall narrative.



        Scene 36 -  Wheeler's Surreal Time-Travel Experience
        EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - LATER

        Wheeler walks down a quiet street, stops in front of a pawn
        shop. The window is filled with unloved gadgets: old 3D food
        printers, VR projectors. Her eyes fall on an ancient iPhone.


        INT. WHEELER'S APARTMENT - LATER

        Wheeler sits at a table in the living room, taking apart her
        broken phone that was returned to her at the hospital. An
        old Dodgers game plays on the smart wall.

        ON SMART WALL: Dixon Tyler steps to the plate. He's getting
        on now - 41, bigger beer belly, grey beard, hunched a bit.

        ANNOUNCER
        And that'll bring up Dixon Tyler.
        Dixon has already announced his
        retirement, and can you imagine a
        more dramatic way to end a career
        then stepping to the plate in game
        seven of the 2034 World Series, down
        one with a runner on second?

        Wheeler forces the broken SIM card holder open. She looks up
        as Dixon swings, well behind the pitch...
        57.


        ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
        Swing and a miss. And the Dodgers are
        down to their last strike.

        Wheeler puts the SIM into the phone from the pawn shop.

        The pitcher hangs a curve. Somehow, Dixon turns on it...

        ANNOUNCER (EXCITEDLY)
        And Dixon launches a shot down the
        left field line! It's hooking...

        Wheeler's eyes snap to the game. The ball travels over the
        wall, staying just inside the foul pole, where it's caught
        by a 24-YEAR-OLD GIRL. She jumps with joy, showing off the
        ball to a WOMAN next to her, the crowd in a frenzy.

        ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
        Home run! Home run! Unbelievable!

        OTHER ANNOUNCER
        And Dixon Tyler says goodnight and
        goodbye from Seattle! What a finish -
        to the game - to a career!

        Wheeler moves in front of the Smart wall, stunned.

        WHEELER
        Rewind 5 seconds.

        The ball travels over the fence again, the girl catching it.

        Wheeler's eyes are wide with shock.
        Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

        Summary Wheeler, the main character, purchases an ancient iPhone and discovers a surreal scene while watching a baseball game on her smart wall. Dixon Tyler hits a home run, and the ball is caught by a young woman over the wall. This suggests that Wheeler may have traveled back in time. The scene is contemplative, and Wheeler is left stunned, indicating that the conflict of time-travel is not resolved in this scene.
        Strengths
        • Suspenseful plot
        • Unique and intriguing concepts
        • High stakes and intense conflict
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more impactful
        • Character changes could be more significant

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is filled with suspense and intensity as the characters uncover shocking revelations and make dangerous plans. The unique elements and high stakes keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of using cloning to catch a killer and the exploration of the Dark Web add intrigue and originality to the scene. The use of holograms and counterfeit money also adds depth to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns. The characters are actively working towards their goal of catching the human trafficker, and the scene moves the story forward significantly.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and advanced technology are common elements in science fiction, the specific details and the use of a baseball game to evoke emotion and reflect the protagonist's internal state add a fresh approach to familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations and actions are clear. Their interactions and decisions drive the plot forward and create tension.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there are some character changes, such as Holloway's growing determination and Wheeler's resilience, there could be more significant transformations to deepen the character arcs.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to fix her broken phone. This reflects her need for connection and the desire to regain control over her own life.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to watch the Dodgers game on her repaired phone. This reflects her immediate circumstances and her desire for entertainment and distraction.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are faced with difficult choices and dangerous situations, adding to the suspense and tension.

        Opposition: 6

        The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces a minor obstacle of fixing her broken phone, but it is not a significant challenge that creates tension or uncertainty.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters racing against time to catch a human trafficker and save innocent lives. The danger and consequences are palpable throughout the scene.

        Story Forward: 10

        The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information and setting up the next steps in the investigation. The audience is left eager to see what happens next.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it surprises the audience with the protagonist's reaction to the baseball game and the twist of rewinding the footage.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from shock and fear to hope and determination. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters and their mission.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building suspense. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more impactful and memorable.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery surrounding the protagonist's broken phone and captures the audience's attention with the unexpected baseball game.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and then delivering a surprising twist with the baseball game.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior location, transitions to an interior location, and focuses on a specific event.


        Critique
        • The scene is confusing and disorienting. It's not clear what's going on or why.
        • The dialogue is too expository. It feels like the characters are just explaining the plot to each other.
        • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
        Suggestions
        • Start the scene with a clear hook that grabs the reader's attention.
        • Use more action and dialogue to drive the story forward.
        • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or exposition.
        • Rewrite the dialogue so that it's more natural and believable.



        Scene 37 -  Finding Lucy Reynolds: A Digital Investigation
        INT. WHEELER'S CAR - LATER

        Wheeler speeds down the street, her old-school 2020 phone
        pressed to her ear...

        WHEELER
        Anna, what was that trawler you used
        to try and find Prescott?


        INT. LOZANO'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

        Wheeler watches as Lozano uploads a still photo from the
        archaic phone onto her computer...

        An image of the girl happily showing Dixon's homerun ball to
        a WOMAN IN GLASSES.
        58.


        LOZANO
        It's not great. But it only has to be
        good enough.

        She launches the trawler, thousands of images flashing
        quickly across the screen...

        LOZANO (CONTD)
        Bingo. Here's your girl - Lucy
        Reynolds.

        Lozano clicks on a VIDEO: a 20-year old girl with a
        birthmark: quirky, cute, and obviously Lucia Reyes.
        Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

        Summary In this scene, characters Wheeler and Lozano work together to locate information about Lucy Reynolds using an old phone and a trawler. The setting alternates between Wheeler's car and Lozano's living room. Lozano uploads an image from the phone to her computer and launches the trawler, which scans thousands of images before finding a match to Lucy Reynolds. The tone is determined and focused, with Wheeler and Lozano working efficiently to find the information they need. The scene ends with Lozano clicking on a video of Lucy Reynolds.
        Strengths
        • Engaging plot development
        • Suspenseful tone
        • Revelation of crucial information
        Weaknesses
        • Limited emotional impact

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a major revelation that propels the story forward.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of using an old phone to find a key piece of information is unique and adds intrigue to the scene.

        Plot: 9

        The plot takes a significant turn with the discovery of Lucy Reynolds and her connection to Dixon Tyler's homerun ball.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a protagonist searching for information is familiar, the use of a trawler and the specific details of the characters and their actions add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters' actions and reactions in this scene are consistent with their established personalities.

        Character Changes: 6

        There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on plot development.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find information about Lucy Reynolds. This reflects her deeper need to uncover the truth and solve the mystery surrounding Prescott. It also reflects her desire to bring justice and closure to the situation.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence and identify Lucy Reynolds. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, which include finding the missing girl and potentially solving the mystery of Prescott's disappearance.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        There is a high level of conflict in this scene, with the revelation of Lucy Reynolds and the impending confrontation with Jolly Rancher.

        Opposition: 6

        The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a challenge for the protagonist to find information, it is not a significant obstacle that creates high tension or uncertainty. The audience has some idea of how it will go.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high, with the discovery of Lucy Reynolds potentially leading to the capture of Jolly Rancher and the resolution of the trafficking case.

        Story Forward: 10

        The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key character and providing crucial information.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new character and reveals a potential lead in the investigation. The audience doesn't know how this new information will impact the protagonist's search for answers.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 7

        The scene elicits suspense and anticipation, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is focused on conveying important information and advancing the plot.

        Engagement: 8

        This scene is engaging because it presents a clear objective for the protagonist and introduces a new piece of information that moves the plot forward. The dialogue and actions create a sense of intrigue and anticipation.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the reader engaged. The actions and dialogue flow smoothly, creating a sense of urgency and progression.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and scene description are all properly formatted and organized.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene flows smoothly and progresses the narrative.


        Critique
        • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. For example, Wheeler's line, "Anna, what was that trawler you used to try and find Prescott?" is very formal and unnatural. It would be more natural for her to say something like, "Hey Anna, what's the name of that trawler you used to find Prescott?"
        • The scene is a bit confusing. It's not clear what Wheeler is doing or why she is so shocked. It would be helpful to provide more context and explanation.
        • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just a lot of exposition and setup. It would be more effective if it included more action or conflict.
        Suggestions
        • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
        • Provide more context and explanation about what Wheeler is doing and why she is so shocked.
        • Add more action or conflict to the scene to make it more exciting and engaging.



        Scene 38 -  Interrogation and Confrontation at Guerrero's Apartment
        EXT. APARTMENT - DAY

        Wheeler and Holloway rap on the door of a modest apartment
        in a scuzzy complex. Vincent Guerrero opens it.

        GUERRERO
        Detectives. What a surprise.


        INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

        Wheeler and Holloway step into a tiny apartment. It's a
        dump, but a lovingly decorated one.

        GUERRERO
        You want an iced tea or a clamato
        juice or something?

        Wheeler holds up the photo from the World Series - points at
        the woman in glasses.

        WHEELER
        This is your sister Cindy. Lives
        outside of Winters, right?

        Guerrero wipes a glass on his shirt, pours himself a drink.

        GUERRERO
        How about tequila? Got a sandworm in
        it - straight from -

        WHEELER
        And this is Lucia Reyes.

        GUERRERO
        (glancing at photo)
        Shit. Everything lives forever now.
        59.


        WHEELER
        I got your KPIs from the wire mill. I
        know that you went to Prescott's
        after we called you. That you planted
        the gun and jacket.

        FLASH: The dark interior of a storage unit is shot through
        with light as its shutter rises. A faceless mech stands at
        the entrance, holding a bloody pink bomber jacket and gun.

        Guerrero takes his shot of tequila, pours two others.

        WHEELER (CONTD)
        The only thing I don't know is: who
        shot Sixto?

        Guerrero passes them the two shot glasses.

        BEGIN FLASHBACK
        Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

        Summary Wheeler and Holloway interrogate Vincent Guerrero about his sister Cindy and Lucia Reyes, as well as his involvement in planting a gun and jacket at Prescott's. The scene is tense and confrontational, with Wheeler revealing that they know about the planted evidence. The conflict is unresolved, and the scene ends with Guerrero passing them shot glasses and transitioning into a flashback.
        Strengths
        • Intense suspense
        • Twists and revelations
        • Strong character dynamics
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development
        • Theme could be further explored

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of urgency and danger. The revelations about the abductor and his involvement in trafficking add depth to the plot and raise the stakes. The unexpected character death adds a shocking twist and increases the tension.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of using the Dark Web and counterfeit money to catch a human trafficker is unique and intriguing. The scene effectively introduces and develops this concept, creating suspense and anticipation for the upcoming operation.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and filled with twists and turns. The scene reveals crucial information about the abductor, his involvement in trafficking, and the evidence against him. It also sets up the plan to catch him, creating anticipation for the climax of the story.

        Originality: 5

        The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. There are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic but not particularly groundbreaking.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue drive the plot forward. Wheeler's determination and resourcefulness, Holloway's loyalty and quick thinking, and Lozano's expertise and willingness to take risks make them compelling and engaging.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reflect their growth and determination to do whatever it takes to save the girl.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information and confront Guerrero about his involvement in the crime. This reflects their deeper need for justice and their desire to solve the case.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out who shot Sixto. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the crime and bringing the perpetrator to justice.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between the characters' desire to catch the abductor and their ethical concerns, as well as the conflict between the protagonists and the abductor himself. The high stakes and time pressure add to the conflict.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is moderate, as the protagonist confronts Guerrero about his involvement in the crime. The audience is unsure of how Guerrero will respond and whether he will provide valuable information.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the protagonists race against time to save the abducted girl and prevent further harm. The discovery of the abductor's involvement in trafficking and the impending execution of another innocent person raise the stakes even higher.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by providing crucial information about the abductor, his involvement in trafficking, and the evidence against him. It also sets up the plan to catch him, creating anticipation for the climax of the story.

        Unpredictability: 6

        This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces new information about the case and leaves the audience wondering about the identity of the shooter.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes tension, fear, and shock, especially with the unexpected character death. The audience is emotionally invested in the protagonists' mission and their desire to save the abducted girl.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is sharp and realistic, revealing the characters' personalities and motivations. It effectively conveys information and advances the plot, while also adding tension and conflict.

        Engagement: 7

        This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, reveals important information about the case, and creates tension through the dialogue and interaction between characters.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue exchanges are concise and to the point, keeping the scene moving at a brisk pace.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue exchanges between characters.


        Critique
        • The dialogue is a bit unnatural and stilted, and it could benefit from being more conversational.
        • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
        • The flashback is a bit confusing and doesn't really add anything to the scene.
        Suggestions
        • Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural and conversational.
        • Add more details to the setting and the characters to make them more interesting and relatable.
        • Cut the flashback and replace it with a more direct way of revealing the information that it contains.



        Scene 39 -  Sixto's Fatal Misstep: A Tragic Encounter in Dolly Lake
        EXT. STREET - NIGHT

        Sixto's Mazda rolls beneath the bridge in Dolly Lake, the
        temp gauge maxed out. It runs out of power, dying on the
        side of the road. Sixto's panicking, drenched in sweat. He
        looks in his rear-view, sees Sonny D'Alesio dismounting,
        coming up fast, armed to the teeth.

        Sixto reaches over Lucia to pop open the glove compartment,
        reaching in blindly, eyes in the rear-view, D'Alesio now
        just steps away. Sixto yanks the .45 out, swivels towards
        D'Alesio, the gun slipping in his sweaty hands. Lucia tries
        to catch it - BANG - Sixto's brains paint the Mazda window
        just as D'Alesio races past, oblivious to the drama inside.


        EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

        Guerrero walks down Vermont as he hears the gunshot. He
        picks up his pace, running towards the Mazda. The passenger
        door opens, Lucia spills into the street, silently crying.

        Guerrero reaches her, lifts her into his arms. He peers into
        the car, sees the blood.

        He looks around for a moment, unsure of what to do. Then he
        grabs the gun from the car, makes his way across the street
        with Lucia, unseen, and ducks into an alley. He takes her
        bloody pink bomber jacket, rolls it around the gun, jams it
        up inside a disused water pipe covered in decades of rust.

        He pulls out his cell, makes a call.
        60.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary In a tense and suspenseful scene, Sixto's car stalls on a street in Dolly Lake at night, drawing the approach of armed Sonny D'Alesio. Overwhelmed with panic, Sixto accidentally shoots himself in the head while grabbing a gun from the glove compartment. Lucia, silently crying, is helped by Guerrero to hide the gun and Sixto's body, following which Guerrero contacts someone on his cell phone. The scene concludes with Guerrero and Lucia leaving the area, leaving behind the tragic aftermath.
        Strengths
        • Intense suspense
        • Well-developed plot
        • High stakes
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more impactful
        • Character development could be stronger

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly suspenseful and intense, with a dark tone that keeps the audience engaged. The unique elements and high stakes make it a standout scene.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of uncovering the truth behind a human trafficking operation and using counterfeit money to catch the criminal is intriguing and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and filled with suspenseful moments, including the gunfight and car chase. It keeps the audience hooked and eager to see what happens next.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the urban setting and the presence of criminal activity are familiar elements, the specific actions and events are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their actions and motivations are clear. Wheeler's determination and Holloway's resourcefulness make them compelling protagonists.

        Character Changes: 7

        There is some character development, particularly for Wheeler as she faces a life-threatening situation, but it could be more pronounced.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and Lucia from Sonny D'Alesio. This reflects his deeper need for survival and his desire to keep Lucia safe.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Sonny D'Alesio and find a safe place. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between the protagonists and the human trafficker creates a high level of tension and suspense throughout the scene.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong as Sonny D'Alesio poses a significant threat to the protagonist and Lucia. The audience is unsure of how they will escape or overcome this obstacle.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high, with lives on the line and the urgency to stop the human trafficker before more harm is done.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the human trafficker and setting up a plan to catch him.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected events, such as Sixto's sudden death and Guerrero's appearance. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes fear and concern for the characters' safety, but it could have a stronger emotional impact by delving deeper into their personal stakes.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension, but it could be more memorable and impactful.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the reader's attention with its intense and suspenseful events. The fast-paced action and the characters' desperate situation keep the audience invested in the outcome.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and suspenseful rhythm. The events unfold quickly, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and advances the plot.


        Critique
        • The scene is well-written and sets the tone for the upcoming flashback. However, the following elements could be enhanced:
        • The description of Sixto's panic could be more detailed to create a stronger sense of tension and urgency.
        • The action of Lucia trying to catch the gun is not clear; consider revising it for better flow.
        • The transition to the flashback could be smoother. Consider adding a brief description of Guerrero's emotional state or thought process as he decides to hide the evidence.
        Suggestions
        • Consider adding specific details to describe Sixto's panic, such as his ragged breathing, trembling hands, or frantic眼神.
        • Revise the sentence about Lucia trying to catch the gun to make it clearer, such as: 'Lucia instinctively reached out to grab the gun, but it slipped from Sixto's grasp and fired'.
        • Add a transitional sentence between the description of Guerrero hiding the evidence and the flashback, such as: 'With the evidence hidden, Guerrero's mind raced as he contemplated his next move.' This will create a smoother connection between the two scenes.



        Scene 40 -  A Moment of Understanding and Redemption
        EXT. ALLEY - LATER

        A vehicle pulls up at the end of the darkened alley.
        Guerrero walks a crying Lucia to it, opens the back door,
        gives her a hug, and sits her inside the car.

        He shuts the door, nods to the woman in glasses (Cindy)
        who's driving, and watches as they pull away into the night.

        Guerrero turns, heads out the other end of the alley...


        EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

        And emerges onto Vermont. He crosses to where Studdebaker's
        working the Mazda, bagging up Sixto's phone.

        Wheeler and Holloway head towards them.

        GUERRERO
        CSI is on the way.

        Sirens fill the air in seemingly every direction.

        HOLLOWAY
        Not anytime soon. Start processing.

        END FLASHBACK


        INT. APARTMENT - DAY

        WHEELER
        Why did you do it?

        GUERRERO
        I knew Lucia from the block. Mom OD'd
        a couple years back. You know what
        they did to undocumented kids with no
        parents, Rae? They put 'em in
        detention centers - four to a cell in
        cages - the older kids taking care of
        the younger kids, changing goddamn
        diapers. And if they couldn't find
        any relatives, they just stuck 'em on
        a bus to Reynosa.

        He takes another quick shot of tequila - eats the sandworm.

        GUERRERO (CONTD)
        Stop by the Reynosa station some
        time. Count the number of cartel
        members waiting for kids to get off a
        bus alone.
        61.


        Wheeler's about to speak but cuts herself off as her eyes
        travel behind Guerrero...

        GUERRERO (CONTD) (cont'd)
        We got into this job to help people.
        I was done walking away. Weren't you?

        Lucia Reyes, 34, stands in the doorway, cradling a baby.
        Wheeler smiles at her - there's a kinship in being alive
        after everyone's dug your grave.

        Wheeler downs her shot, opens the door to leave.

        WHEELER
        I'm just starting.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Guerrero, still grappling with his past actions, helps Lucia, a familiar face from the block, avoid being sent to a detention center or back to Reynosa. He shares his motivations with Wheeler, who understands and smiles at Lucia and her baby in the doorway. With the conflict resolved, Wheeler downs her shot and leaves, signaling a sense of hope and redemption for Guerrero.
        Strengths
        • Intense dialogue
        • Emotional impact
        • Revelations about characters' pasts
        • High stakes
        Weaknesses
        • Possible need for clearer transitions between scenes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with intense dialogue and revelations about the characters' pasts. The stakes are high as they confront the consequences of their actions and make difficult choices.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of uncovering a human trafficking operation and seeking redemption for past mistakes is compelling and drives the tension in the scene.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and moves the story forward significantly. The revelations about the characters' pasts and their motivations add depth and complexity to the narrative.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and themes of social injustice and corruption are familiar, the specific details and dialogue choices add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-defined and their motivations are explored in depth. Their interactions and conflicts drive the emotional impact of the scene.

        Character Changes: 9

        The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, confronting their past actions and making choices that will impact their future.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to justify his actions and convince Wheeler of his motivations. He wants her to understand why he took the risk to help Lucia and why he believes it was the right thing to do. This reflects his deeper need to make a difference and fight against injustice.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to explain his actions and convince Wheeler of his perspective. He wants her to see the importance of helping people in need and to question the corrupt system they work in.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between the characters and their internal struggles create a high level of tension and drive the scene forward.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from Wheeler and must defend his actions. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to convince Wheeler of his perspective.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are high as the characters confront a human trafficking operation and seek redemption for their past actions. Their lives and the lives of others are at risk.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing important information and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected information about the protagonist's past and motivations. The revelation of Lucia and her baby adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between doing what is morally right versus following the rules and expectations of their job. The protagonist challenges the values and beliefs of the corrupt system they work in, advocating for helping those in need regardless of the consequences.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 10

        The scene is emotionally charged, with characters confronting their pasts and making difficult choices. The audience is likely to feel a strong emotional response.

        Dialogue: 10

        The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals important information about the characters and their pasts. It effectively conveys their motivations and conflicts.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and Wheeler, with high stakes and emotional intensity. The dialogue reveals important backstory and motivations, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotional depth. The quick shots of tequila and the mention of the sandworm create a sense of urgency, while the dialogue exchanges allow for moments of reflection and character development.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to read. The use of flashbacks is indicated clearly with the 'END FLASHBACK' marker.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot in the alley, transitions to the street, and then moves to an interior location. The dialogue and actions are clearly presented, allowing for a smooth flow of the scene.


        Critique
        • The flashback is very brief and doesn't provide much context for Guerrero's actions. It would be helpful to see more of what happened in the past to understand why he made the choices he did.
        • The dialogue between Wheeler and Guerrero is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two people who have known each other for a long time.
        • The scene ends very abruptly with Wheeler leaving. It would be more satisfying to see her have a more substantial conversation with Guerrero and Lucia before she goes.
        • There is a lot of exposition in the scene, which can make it difficult to follow. It would be helpful to break up the exposition with more dialogue and action.
        Suggestions
        • Expand the flashback to include more details about what happened between Guerrero, Sixto, and Lucia. Why did Sixto accidentally shoot himself? What was Guerrero's role in hiding the body and the gun? How did Cindy get involved?
        • Rewrite the dialogue between Wheeler and Guerrero to make it more natural and conversational. They have known each other for a long time, so they should be able to talk to each other more easily.
        • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Have Wheeler and Guerrero have a more substantial conversation about what happened in the past and what they're going to do now. Lucia could also be more involved in the conversation.
        • Break up the exposition with more dialogue and action. For example, you could have Guerrero show Wheeler the water pipe where he hid the gun and jacket. Or you could have Wheeler and Lucia talk about what they've been through since Sixto's death.



        Scene 41 -  Captain Studdebaker's Confrontation with Reporter Lozano
        INT. CITY HALL - DAY

        JOURNALISTS mill around an empty podium. Captain Studdebaker
        (40s), stands in the wings. Anna Lozano approaches.

        LOZANO
        Good turnout, Studdebaker. Busting
        Prescott is a big moment for you.

        STUDDEBAKER
        I wasn't aware you were joining us.

        LOZANO
        Oh, I've got plenty to say.

        STUDDEBAKER
        I don't think so, Anna.

        LOZANO
        Here's what I want. I want Rae
        Wheeler and Ben Holloway to get their
        jobs back. And I want on - I'm sick
        of being a dial-a-cop.

        Studdebaker laughs.

        STUDDEBAKER
        Are you out of your mind?! Wheeler's
        a ticking time bomb and Holloway's
        what, 100 years old?
        62.


        HOLLOWAY
        OK. Well, I'll make sure to tell KTLA
        that if it wasn't for us, Lonnie Lee
        Prescott would still be killing kids
        and an innocent man would have been
        executed. I believe that's called a
        scoop.

        Studdebaker's smile vanishes.

        STUDDEBAKER
        I can give you Malibu. No crime.
        Maybe a drunk driver every month.

        LOZANO
        We want Dolly Lake.

        Studdebaker stares at her in disbelief.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary At a press conference in City Hall, Captain Studdebaker boasts about capturing serial killer Lonnie Lee Prescott. Reporter Anna Lozano demands the reinstatement of two wrongfully terminated detectives and a better assignment for herself. Initially dismissive, Studdebaker's attitude changes when another journalist, Holloway, threatens to expose information that could embarrass him. Studdebaker then reluctantly offers Lozano a less desirable posting as a compromise, leading to a tense standoff.
        Strengths
        • Intense conflict
        • Strong character dynamics
        • Engaging dialogue
        Weaknesses
        • Limited exploration of themes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong conflict and emotional impact. It effectively moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a confrontation at City Hall between the protagonists and Captain Studdebaker adds tension and raises the stakes. The scene also explores themes of justice, redemption, and the corrupt system.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is gripping and full of twists and turns. The revelation of Wheeler and Holloway's demands, the conflict with Studdebaker, and the unexpected presence of Anna Lozano create a compelling narrative.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar, the dialogue and the specific conflict between the protagonist and the authority figure add a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are clearly portrayed. Wheeler and Holloway's determination, Studdebaker's resistance, and Anna Lozano's unexpected support add depth to the scene.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and conflicts.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to advocate for Rae Wheeler and Ben Holloway to get their jobs back and to express her frustration with her current role as a 'dial-a-cop.' This reflects her desire for justice and fairness, as well as her personal ambition to have a more meaningful and impactful role in law enforcement.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to negotiate for Dolly Lake, a location with more crime, as a way to prove her worth and challenge the authority of Captain Studdebaker.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between Wheeler, Holloway, and Studdebaker is intense and high-stakes. The characters' demands and Studdebaker's resistance create a compelling clash.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist and Captain Studdebaker have conflicting goals and beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the negotiation will unfold and who will come out on top.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene, as Wheeler and Holloway demand their jobs back and challenge the corrupt system. The outcome of this confrontation will have significant consequences for the characters.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It reveals new information and adds complexity to the narrative.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the negotiation between the protagonist and Captain Studdebaker will go. The unexpected request for Dolly Lake adds a twist to the scene.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of justice and the authority figure's focus on maintaining a low-crime image. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as she believes that sacrificing justice for the sake of appearances is unacceptable.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the confrontation between the protagonists and Studdebaker. The audience feels the tension, frustration, and determination of the characters.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' personalities and driving the conflict. The exchange between Wheeler, Holloway, and Studdebaker is particularly intense and memorable.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because of the sharp and confrontational dialogue between the protagonist and Captain Studdebaker. The conflict and tension between the characters keep the audience interested in the outcome of their negotiation.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick exchanges and back-and-forth dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The dialogue is clear and easy to follow.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by character introductions and dialogue. The dialogue is formatted correctly with proper indentation and character names.


        Critique
        • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and the characters.
        • The dialogue is well-written and realistic, but it could be more concise and to the point.
        • The scene could be shortened by removing some of the unnecessary details.
        • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it would be more satisfying if it were given a more definitive conclusion.
        • The scene could be improved by adding more conflict between the characters.
        Suggestions
        • Add more details to the setting, such as the time of day, the weather, and the location.
        • Add more details to the characters, such as their physical appearance, their personality, and their motivations.
        • Concise the dialogue by removing unnecessary words and phrases.
        • Shorten the scene by removing unnecessary details.
        • Give the scene a more definitive conclusion by adding a resolution to the conflict between the characters.



        Scene 42 -  Wheeler's Somber Investigation
        EXT. STREET - NIGHT

        Wheeler walks towards a glowing storefront, the only source
        of light on the coal-black street.

        She disappears down a staircase beneath a flickering sign:
        Visit The Chronicle!

        BEGIN MONTAGE:

        - SEEDY SHOP: The light of a scanner runs over Wheeler's
        face.

        - MOLLY AND SAM'S TRAILER: Wheeler watches Molly (45) and
        Sam (16) through the window of a trailer. Molly puts a
        birthday cake on the table. Sam blows out the candles.

        - SOCCER FIELD: Wheeler watches Sam chase a pass down the
        sideline, kicking a shot wide into a Food Lion parking lot.

        - COMMUNITY CENTER: Wheeler watches Molly in a COMMUNITY
        CHOIR singing Goodbye Yellowbrick Road. Molly looks happy.

        - SCHOOL LUNCHROOM: Wheeler watches Sam eat lunch alone.

        - MAIN STREET: Wheeler follows Molly down a street, through
        an alley, watching as she disappears through the back door
        of The Hideaway strip club.

        - SCHOOL: A kid slams Sam against a locker in a dilapidated
        school as Wheeler looks on. Sam falls, his nose bloody.
        63.


        - LAKE: Sam and Molly share a nighttime picnic on the shores
        of a lake. Am explosion of fireworks lights the sky above
        them. Molly puts her arm around Sam, films him on her phone.

        -EMPTY MALL PARKING LOT: Wheeler watches as Sam sits alone
        on the hood of a rusting car, smoking a joint. It begins to
        rain, Sam's getting soaked - he's unfazed.

        - PARKING GARAGE: Molly clomps across an empty parking
        garage in an unused building, nervously looking behind her.
        Wheeler follows, confused. Why is she here? Molly heads
        towards an idling box truck... opens the door, climbs into
        the passenger seat, disappearing into the darkness of the
        cab. A BEAT before...

        A GUNSHOT explodes in the night. A FLASH illuminates the cab
        for a split-second, revealing Molly executing the driver.

        END MONTAGE


        INT. SEEDY SHOP - CONTINUOUS

        Wheeler gasps, her eyes snap open in the shop.

        SLAM TO BLACK

        END OF PILOT
        Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

        Summary Wheeler visits a storefront called 'The Chronicle' and experiences a montage of clips showing Molly and Sam's lives, including celebrations, soccer games, a choir concert, a picnic, bullying, and a shooting. The scene is somber and mysterious, ending with Wheeler waking up in shock.
        Strengths
        • Tension-filled
        • Memorable moments
        • Intriguing concept
        Weaknesses
        • Some dialogue could be more impactful

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is filled with tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged. The shocking moments, such as Wheeler witnessing Molly executing the driver, create a strong emotional impact. The unique elements add intrigue and make the scene memorable.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a secret history of Los Angeles and the use of futuristic technology like LED tattoos and bio-paired guns is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The montage sequence effectively reveals important backstory and adds depth to the characters.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a protagonist following and observing other characters is not entirely unique, the specific locations and actions depicted in the montage add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their actions and motivations are clear. Wheeler's determination and resilience, as well as the complex relationship between her and Holloway, make them compelling.

        Character Changes: 8

        Wheeler experiences significant character growth throughout the scene, from witnessing shocking events to making tough decisions. Her determination and resilience are tested, leading to personal growth.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Wheeler is searching for something or someone. She is following Molly and Sam, observing their actions and interactions. This reflects her deeper need for connection and understanding.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow Molly and Sam and uncover the truth about their actions. She is trying to piece together the puzzle of their lives and understand their motivations.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and emotional. The tension between Wheeler and Prescott, as well as the conflict between Holloway and the swarm of mosquitoes, adds intensity.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the conflicting actions and motivations of Molly and Sam. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will navigate this opposition and what consequences it may have.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high, with characters' lives at risk and the pursuit of justice and truth driving the plot. The consequences of their actions have far-reaching implications.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the past and present events. It sets up future conflicts and raises questions that keep the audience engaged.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it presents a series of unexpected actions and reveals, such as Molly executing the driver in the parking garage. The reader is kept on their toes and unsure of what will happen next.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for truth and justice and the actions of Molly, who is shown executing someone in the parking garage. This challenges Wheeler's beliefs and values, as she is faced with the moral dilemma of whether to intervene or continue observing.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly during the shocking moments like Wheeler witnessing Molly executing the driver. The audience is invested in Wheeler's journey and the consequences of her actions.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue effectively conveys information and reveals character traits. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more impactful and memorable.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a series of intriguing moments and raises questions about the characters and their motivations. The use of the montage format keeps the reader's attention and creates a sense of anticipation.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of momentum and intrigue. The quick transitions between locations in the montage format keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow. The use of the montage format is effectively conveyed.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then transitions into a montage format, showcasing various locations and actions. The scene ends with a dramatic moment, leaving the reader intrigued.


        Critique
        • The scene is visually interesting, but it's unclear what Wheeler is doing there or why she's having these visions.
        • The montage is a nice way to show Wheeler's connection to Molly and Sam, but it's a bit too long and it disrupts the flow of the story.
        • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's unclear what happens to Wheeler after she gasps awake.
        Suggestions
        • Consider starting the scene with a hook that will grab the reader's attention and make them want to learn more about Wheeler and her connection to Molly and Sam.
        • Shorten the montage and focus on the most important moments in Molly and Sam's lives.
        • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by showing what happens to Wheeler after she gasps awake.