Passengers

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Science Fiction, Drama, Romance, Adventure, Mystery, Thriller

Setting: The year 2243 and 100 years later, Starship Excelsior traveling from Earth to Homestead II, a Homestead Company starship colony world, and later Homestead II itself

Overview: Passengers follows the journey of Jim Preston, a lone passenger who wakes up early on a spaceship bound for a distant planet. He grapples with isolation, loneliness, and a search for purpose as he navigates the challenges of being the only one awake. Along the way, he forms a connection with Aurora, another passenger, and together they face moral dilemmas, love, loss, and the ultimate test of survival.

Themes: Isolation and Loneliness, Identity and Purpose, Love and Loss, Survival and Resilience, Hope and Redemption

Conflict and Stakes: Jim's realization that he woke up too soon and that it will be 90 years before the ship arrives at Homestead II. He is scared and alone and doesn't know what to do. Jim and Aurora must fix the ship's core computer and gravity plant before the fusion reactor goes nova. Jim and Aurora must race against time to stop the hibernation pods from being ejected from the Excelsior. Jim and Aurora fall in love, but have to overcome many obstacles, including Aurora's terminal illness.

Overall Mood: The overall mood or tone of the screenplay is one of hope and resilience, with moments of suspense, romance, and heartbreak.

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

  • Scene 1: The opening scene of the screenplay is dark and suspenseful, as Jim wakes up alone on the spaceship.
  • Scene 7: The scene where Jim and Aurora first meet is full of hope and possibility.
  • Scene 12: The scene where Aurora learns that she is terminally ill is heartbreaking.
  • Scene 18: The final scene of the screenplay is hopeful and uplifting, as Jim and Aurora look out at the stars together.

Standout Features:

  • Unique Hook: The story is set on a spaceship traveling to a distant planet, which provides a unique and visually stunning backdrop for the characters' journey.
  • Plot Twist: Jim discovers that he has accidentally killed Aurora by waking her up from suspended animation.
  • Distinctive Setting: The Starship Excelsior is a vast and complex world, with its own unique ecosystem and culture.
  • Innovative Idea: The film explores the ethical implications of advanced technology, such as suspended animation and genetic engineering.
  • Unique Characters: Jim and Aurora are complex and relatable characters, with their own unique strengths and weaknesses.
  • Genre Blend: The film blends elements of science fiction, romance, and drama, creating a unique and engaging experience for viewers.

Comparable Scripts:

  • 2001: A Space Odyssey
  • Gravity
  • Lost in Space
  • The Martian
  • Interstellar
  • The Book of Eli
  • The Road
  • The Leftovers
  • Station Eleven
  • The 100

Writing Style:

The screenplay explores philosophical and existential themes in a sci-fi setting, blending elements of introspection, character-driven narratives, and technological advancements. It combines the styles of various influential screenwriters and authors, resulting in a unique and engaging storytelling approach.

Style Similarities:

  • Charlie Kaufman
  • Spike Jonze
  • Christopher Nolan
  • Denis Villeneuve
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Recommend


Explanation: Overall, the screenplay for "Passengers" showcases compelling character dynamics, thought-provoking themes, and stunning visuals. While the pacing and development of certain elements could be improved, the screenplay effectively engages the audience and delivers a satisfying and emotionally resonant experience.


USP: Immerse yourself in a deeply introspective sci-fi odyssey that explores the complexities of human existence amidst the vastness of space. "Starship Excelsior" stands apart with its unique blend of introspective dialogue, philosophical musings, and a futuristic setting steeped in emotional depth and moral quandaries. Dive into the psyche of compelling characters as they grapple with profound themes of loneliness, morality, and the search for meaning. Prepare for a thought-provoking journey that will resonate long after the final frame, leaving you questioning the nature of humanity and your own place in the intricate tapestry of life.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$75-100 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, sci-fi and drama fans, people interested in space exploration

Marketability: It has a captivating storyline with relatable characters, stunning visuals, and thought-provoking themes that are sure to resonate with audiences.

The script is well-written, with strong character development and a unique blend of genres. It has the potential to appeal to fans of science fiction, romance, and drama.

The script has a strong foundation, but it may need some additional work to make it more marketable to a wider audience.

Profit Potential: High, due to its strong commercial appeal and potential for critical acclaim

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by a blend of introspective dialogue, philosophical musings, and a futuristic setting with emotional depth and moral complexity. The dialogue is sharp and often introspective, delving into the characters' inner thoughts and motivations. The writer also explores themes of loneliness, morality, and the human condition, creating a rich and thought-provoking narrative.

Best representation: Scene 7 - Solitude in Space. Scene 7 is the best representation of the writer's voice because it encapsulates the introspective dialogue, philosophical musings, and moral complexity that are characteristic of the script. The dialogue between Jim and Aurora delves into the nature of humanity, the meaning of life, and the importance of connection. The scene raises questions about our place in the universe and our responsibility to each other, creating a sense of depth and resonance that elevates the story beyond a simple sci-fi adventure.

Memorable Lines:

  • Jim: I’m not saying the universe is evil. It’s just got an ugly sense of humor. It doesn’t just crush you. It crushes you ironically. (Scene 7)
  • Arthur: You can't play God, Jim. Some things are beyond our control. (Scene 8)
  • Arthur: Jim, we all die. Even androids end up on the scrap heap. It’s not dying that matters, it’s living. This is your life. Are you going to live it or lie down and die? (Scene 1)
  • Arthur: You're not where you want to be. You feel like you're supposed to be somewhere else. Right? (Scene 4)
  • Aurora: Hell of a life. (Scene 20)
Characters

Jim Preston:A 38-year-old mechanical engineer from Denver, Colorado. He is confused and disoriented after waking up from a 120-year suspended animation.

Aurora Dunn:A professional writer and journalist. Jim wakes her from suspended animation on the Excelsior. She has a strong sense of purpose and determination.

Arthur:An android bartender on the Starship Excelsior who Jim befriends

Story Shape
Summary The feature screenplay follows the journey of Jim Preston, a mechanical engineer who wakes up prematurely on the Starship Excelsior, destined for Homestead II. He discovers he is the only one awake and faces various challenges and conflicts, including loneliness and feelings of displacement. As he navigates life on the ship, he meets Aurora Dunn, and they form a connection. They work together to solve critical issues on the ship, including fixing the core computer and dealing with a gravity failure. Ultimately, they reconcile their differences and share a moment of intimacy as they arrive on Homestead II, marking a new beginning for the colonists. The scene ends with a reflective look at the transformed Excelsior, showcasing the passage of time and the crew's resilience.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique Overall, the plot of this screenplay is an interesting and unique take on the science fiction genre. It is imaginative and presents plenty of opportunities for visual effects and action sequences. The story develops at a good pace, and the characters are well-developed and relatable. However, there are a few areas where the plot and story could be improved upon to make it more engaging and satisfying for the audience.
Suggestions: Consider adding more depth and complexity to the characters' motivations and actions. Explore the ethical dilemmas and moral choices faced by the characters in more detail, as this could add tension and conflict to the plot. Incorporate more twists and surprises into the story to keep the audience engaged and guessing what will happen next. Tighten up the pacing in the middle of the screenplay to maintain momentum and avoid dragging.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The beginning of the screenplay effectively establishes the protagonist, Jim, and his unique situation of being the only conscious passenger on a spaceship traveling to a distant planet. The sense of loneliness and isolation is well-conveyed, and the discovery of the hibernation facility sets up an intriguing mystery.
Suggestions: Consider adding a stronger inciting incident to give Jim a clear goal or objective from the start. Introduce the other main characters earlier to establish their relationships with Jim and create more dynamics. Explore the emotional and psychological impact of Jim's isolation in more depth to build empathy with the audience.
Middle The middle part of the screenplay explores Jim's journey of self-discovery and his relationship with Aurora. The development of their bond is believable, and the exploration of the spaceship provides a unique and interesting setting. However, the pacing can drag in some sections, and the lack of clear conflict or obstacles can make the story feel stagnant at times.
Suggestions: Consider introducing a more prominent antagonist or obstacle to create tension and drive the plot forward. Explore the ethical dilemmas faced by Jim and Aurora in their decision-making to add moral complexity to the story. Tighten up the pacing by removing unnecessary scenes or dialogue and focusing on the most essential elements.
Ending The ending of the screenplay provides a somewhat satisfying resolution but lacks a strong emotional impact. The twist involving Aurora's illness is somewhat predictable, and the final confrontation with Gus could be more climactic. The epilogue feels a bit rushed and underdeveloped.
Suggestions: Consider revising the twist involving Aurora's illness to make it more surprising and emotionally resonant. Expand on the final confrontation with Gus to increase the stakes and create a more intense and satisfying climax. Develop the epilogue to provide a more complete and emotionally satisfying conclusion to the story.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - A Solitary Awakening Mysterious, Intriguing, Desperate, Confused 8 9 89 7 687787888 79988
2 - Jim Explores the Spaceship Curious, Exploratory, Inquisitive 8 8 79 8 787576775 69888
3 - Trapped in the Darkness Isolation, Frustration, Determination 8 8 79 8 787887778 69988
4 - The Search for Belonging Reflective, Hopeful, Melancholic, Humorous 8 8 79 8 787564678 89888
5 - Jim's Loneliness and Boredom Loneliness, Desperation, Isolation, Discovery 8 8 79 9 887676779 79888
6 - Researching Aurora Dunn Curious, Reflective, Lonely 8 8 78 9 787675778 79988
7 - Jim's Moral Dilemma Melancholic, Reflective, Philosophical 8 8 78 8 887675779 79888
8 - Solitude in Space Loneliness, Contemplative, Existential, Melancholic 8 9 79 8 787677778 79888
9 - Jim's Contemplation in Space Melancholic, Reflective, Lonely 8 8 79 8 887667769 77888
10 - Awakening on Excelsior Hopeful, Desperate, Reflective, Curious 8 8 89 8 887788889 79888
11 - A Night of Romance on the Starship Excelsior Romantic, Reflective, Intimate, Playful 9 9 89 9 887676779 89888
12 - Restless Hearts Melancholic, Reflective, Romantic, Exploratory 8 8 79 9 787675778 89888
13 - Aurora's Rejection Dramatic, Intense, Emotional, Reflective, Tense 8 8 89 9 887988989 89988
14 - A Chance Encounter Melancholic, Reflective, Intense, Regretful 8 8 78 9 897776779 89888
15 - Gus's Sacrifice Emotional, Reflective, Resigned, Intimate 9 8 99 9 8877798810 89888
16 - Race Against Time to Fix Gravity Plant Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense 9 8 99 8 7899910988 79988
17 - Hibernation System Malfunction Tense, Emotional, Hopeful 8 8 89 8 887889889 79988
18 - Escape from Hibernation Tense, Dramatic, Suspenseful 8 8 99 8 887989977 79988
19 - Escape from the Excelsior Tense, Emotional, Hopeful 8 7 89 6 787889979 59988
20 - Heartfelt Reconciliation Emotional, Reflective, Intimate 9 8 99 9 8874768710 89988
21 - A Moment in Space Emotional, Reflective, Hopeful 9 8 99 9 8875677710 89888
22 - Arrival on Homestead II Hopeful, Reflective, Inspirational 9 9 89 7 787475879 69888
23 - The Concourse Bittersweet, Reflective, Hopeful 9 9 89 9 887667779 89888


Scene 1 - A Solitary Awakening
EXT. INTERSTELLAR SPACE
A million suns shine in the dark.
A STARSHIP cuts through the night: a gleaming white cruiser.
Galleries of windows. Flying decks and observation domes.
On the hull: EXCELSIOR - A HomeStead Company Starship.
The ship flashes through a nebula. Space-dust sparkles as it
whips over the hull, betraying the ship’s dizzying speed.
The nebula boils in the ship’s wake. The Excelsior rockets
on, spotless and beautiful as a daydream.

INT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - GRAND CONCOURSE
A wide plaza. Its lofty atrium cuts through seven decks,
creating tiers of promenades framing a vast skylight.
The promenades are empty. Chairs unoccupied. Beetle-like
robots vacuum the carpets and wax the floors.

CAFETERIA
Super-modern and gleaming. Hundreds of tables, all empty.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Lounge furniture and star-filled windows. Completely
deserted. A robot on spindly legs washes the glass.

HIBERNATION BAY
Endless corridors lined with vertical glass tubes. Inside
each tube stands a PASSENGER. Eyes closed in sleep. If
they’re breathing you can’t tell by looking.
They sleep on their feet, leaning against padded supports.
Straps secure them in place; sensors adhere to their skin.
They wear shorts and tank tops with HomeStead Company logos.
We survey their faces. No children, no senior citizens. Men
and women of every ethnicity in the prime of their lives.
We settle on one man. JIM PRESTON, 38. Sound asleep. A small
display on his pod reads:

JAMES PRESTON
Rate 2 Mechanical Engineer
Denver, Colorado
2.


Age: 38
Blood type: A+
Passenger class: silver
Fare: one-way
A deep BOOM. Echoes roll down the corridors.
Lights wink on in Jim’s hibernation pod. Machinery hums to
life. Instruments beep and chitter.
Medical data fills the pod’s screen. Jim’s temperature rises.
His heart begins to beat. He takes a breath.
Jim opens his eyes.
Groggy, blinking, seeing nothing.
The backrest behind him converts into a recliner, lowering
him into a seated position.
The sensors on his skin drop off and snake back into the
pod’s machinery.
A video screen descends before Jim’s eyes.
ONSCREEN - A beautiful stewardess appears, beaming at the
camera. She is inhumanly perfect, a computer-generated image.
VIDEO STEWARDESS
Good Morning, James!
JIM
(disoriented)
Jim. What the...
VIDEO STEWARDESS
Don’t worry, Jim. It’s normal to feel
confused. You’ve just spent a hundred
and twenty years in suspended
animation.
She makes it sound sexy. Jim scowls and rubs his eyes.
ONSCREEN - An animation. Happy people go to sleep in glass
tubes in a hospital. The tubes are loaded onto a spaceship.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
You’re a passenger on the Starship
Excelsior - a Homestead Company
Starship. We’ve nearly completed the
120-year flight from Earth to your
new home - the colony world of
Homestead II. Congratulations!
ONSCREEN - The Excelsior leaves a skyscraper-covered Earth
and soars through space to a lush green Homestead II.
3.


JIM
(remembering)
Oh, yeah.
VIDEO STEWARDESS
The Excelsior is on final approach.
(sensually)
For the next two months, you’ll enjoy
luxury space travel. Food. Fun. New
friends.
ONSCREEN - The ship’s lavish amenities: fine dining, sports
facilities, shops, all swarming with happy passengers.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Then you’ll start your new life on
Homestead II. Back to basics. A fresh
start. Room to grow.
ONSCREEN - Publicity shots of Homestead II. Mountains,
forests, beaches. Settlements ringed by farmland.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Your wake-up capsules and nutrient
juice will help you recover from
hibernation!
Pills rattle into a dish; a glass of pink juice appears. He
takes his pills and gulps his juice with a grimace.
Jim’s backrest eases him onto his feet. A drawer pops open,
revealing a Homestead Company bathrobe and slippers.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Make yourself comfortable in your
complimentary robe and slippers.
He puts them on.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Your shipcard is your key to the
starship.
(flirtatiously)
Don’t lose it!
The pod produces Jim’s shipcard: a plastic ID card on a
lanyard. He hangs it around his neck.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Now you’re ready to go to your cabin.
Make yourself at home! Enjoy the rest
of your voyage, Jim!
JIM
Right.
4.


Jim steps out of his pod into the corridor.
All the other pods are closed, the people inside asleep. A
look of concern crosses Jim’s face.
VIDEO STEWARDESS
Jim, your cabin is this way.
The screen flips around to face him. The video stewardess
points down the corridor.
VIDEO STEWARDESS (CONT’D)
Take Elevator D to deck seven. Your
cabin number is on your shipcard.
JIM
Thanks.
He shuffles down the corridor in his slippers, rubbing his
face. Having trouble keeping his eyes open.
Behind him, his pod closes up. Its screen reads PASSENGER
DISCHARGED.

ELEVATOR FOYER
Jim finds a bank of elevators. As he approaches, the
indicators blink on. An elevator opens, spilling light.
He steps inside, and muzak begins to play.

DECK SEVEN
A corridor lined with doors. A CLEANING ROBOT vacuums.
Jim appears. Instantly the corridor lights brighten. The
cleaning robot rolls past Jim.
CLEANING ROBOT
Hello, Passenger.
JIM
(startled)
Hello, robot.
Jim follows wall markings to his cabin. Lets himself in.

JIM’S CABIN
Cozy but small. A bed, a desk, an armchair. No window.
A SCREEN lights up. The HomeStead Company theme music plays.
An ANNOUNCER speaks.
5.


ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to your cabin, Jim! Your home
until we make landfall.
Jim doesn’t pay attention. Pokes around, opening drawers.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Over the next two months, you’ll
prepare for your new life on
Homestead II.
Jim peers into the tiny bathroom. There’s a little video
screen, and the presentation’s running there too.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Passengers are organized into
Learning Groups for orientation.
You’ve been assigned to Learning
group...thirty-eight! Don’t forget!
ONSCREEN: “Learning Group 38.”
The DOORBELL rings.
Jim opens the door eagerly - and deflates. No one there.
He looks down. A waist-high CARGO ROBOT peers up at him with
goggle eyes. It carries two suitcases and a duffel bag.
CARGO ROBOT
Passenger James Preston?
JIM
Jim. Yeah.
CARGO ROBOT
Your luggage, Passenger Jim. Swipe
your shipcard to confirm.
Jim swipes his shipcard through a slot on top of the robot.
The robot scoots inside and deposits Jim’s bags on the floor.
CARGO ROBOT (CONT’D)
Enjoy your luggage!
JIM
Thanks.
CARGO ROBOT
Thank you, Passenger Jim!
The robot zips out the door.
Jim looks up and down the corridor. The receding robot is the
only sign of life. He steps back inside.
6.


ANNOUNCER
Your group’s orientation starts in
forty-five minutes. Join them in
Conference Room Twenty on Deck One.
Don’t forget!

DECK FOUR - SHOPPING DISTRICT
A mall with tiled floors and ornate storefronts.
Jim walks along in his robe and slippers. Storefront signs
flicker to life as he passes.
A dry fountain gushes water at his approach.

DECK ONE - CONFERENCE ROOM TWENTY
Forty chairs around a big table. A large screen on the wall.
ONSCREEN: A digital INSTRUCTOR, a handsome woman of middle
age, waits with a computer’s infinite patience.
Jim walks in. The door slides closed behind him.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Hello, Passengers. Will you all
please take a seat.
Jim looks around. He’s the only one there. He sits.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR (CONT’D)
Earth is a prosperous planet. The
cradle of civilization. A world with
a long, proud history. But for many,
it’s also overpopulated. Over-priced.
Overrated. Overrun.
Behind the Instructor, video clips of Earth’s urban sprawl:
an endless gleaming metropolis glittering with traffic.
JIM
(raising his hand)
Can I just...
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
No questions until the end, please.
JIM
Wait. Where are all the other...
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
The Colonies offer an alternative. A
better way of life.
7.


The screen fills with shots of Homestead II: aerial footage
of mountains, beaches, beautiful garden cities.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR (CONT’D)
And none is more beautiful than
Homestead II, the Jewel of the
Occupied Worlds.

ONE HOUR LATER
Jim sits wearily, chin propped on his hand. The Video
Instructor chatters on. Inspiring footage of Homestead II.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
...thriving job markets in mining,
farming and manufacturing. An
explosion in the cultural arts. And
if you long for the life less
civilized, you can apply for a
pioneer permit and seek your fortune
in the wild.
(a pregnant pause)
Any questions?
JIM
(exploding)
Where IS everybody?!
The Instructor pauses. The question seems to confuse her.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
We’re all on the Starship Excelsior.
Five thousand passengers and fifty-
eight crew members.
JIM
But I’m the only one awake.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
No, all the passengers wake up at the
same time.
JIM
Then something’s wrong with the other
hibernation pods.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Hibernation pods are fail-safe.
JIM
So why am I the only one here?
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
I’m sorry. I don’t understand your
question.
8.



GRAND CONCOURSE
Jim finds an INFOMAT - an information kiosk. A banner scrolls
across the screen: ASK ME A QUESTION! Jim taps the screen.
INFOMAT
(insanely cheerful)
Hello! What’s your question?
JIM
I need to talk to a person. A real
live person.
INFOMAT
What sort of person? Personal
trainer? Travel planner? Therapist?
JIM
Someone in charge.
INFOMAT
The Ship Steward handles passenger
affairs. You can find him in his
office on the Service Deck.
ONSCREEN: A dotted line on the map shows how to get there.
JIM
Thank you.
INFOMAT
Happy to help!

SERVICE DECK - CORRIDOR
Jim appears around the corner. The lights brighten, the
ventilation kicks up a notch.
He finds a door marked SHIP STEWARD.

SHIP STEWARD’S OFFICE
The lights flash on as Jim enters, revealing...an office in
mothballs. Empty chairs, barren desks.
JIM
Not good.

ELEVATOR LOBBY
Another Infomat. Jim arrives at a jog.
9.


INFOMAT
Hello! What’s your quest...
JIM
Who’s flying the ship?
INFOMAT
The bridge crew includes the Captain,
the Pilot, the Chief Navigator...
JIM
The Captain. I want to talk to the
Captain.
INFOMAT
The Captain rarely handles passenger
queries directly.
JIM
Emergency, okay? Where is he?
INFOMAT
The Captain is usually found on the
Bridge, on the Command Deck.
ONSCREEN: A helpful map shows the way. Jim marches off.

COMMAND DECK
Jim finds the door to the Bridge. He opens it eagerly - only
to find a second door behind it - an armored hatch labeled
FIREWALL and SECURE ACCESS AREA.
A porthole of thick glass gives a narrow view of the Bridge.
It’s deserted. Instrument lights gleam in the dark.
JIM
(pounding on the hatch)
Come on! What the hell is happening?

DECK THREE - CAFE COURTYARD
Jim RUNS past restaurants, lounges, shops. All deserted.
JIM
(panic in his voice)
Hello? Hello!

SERVICE DECK - CELESTIAL PROMENADE
The highest promenade on the ship: windows on all sides. The
huge skylight just overhead. It’s almost like being outside.
The atrium plunges seven stories to the Concourse below.
10.


JIM
(an echoing shout)
Hello!
A SOUND behind him makes him spin.
But it’s just a window-washer: a robot with long spindly
limbs. It moves past Jim, polishing windows. Oblivious.
A sign catches Jim’s attention: “OBSERVATORY - Your Place In
the Universe.”

OBSERVATORY
Jim enters the planetarium of the future: theater seats
facing a holographic “stage.”
IN HOLOGRAM: An image of the starship hangs in space. Glowing
text reads “Look through the eyes of the Starship Excelsior!”
Jim goes to the control podium. Touches the screen.
OBSERVATORY
(a voice as deep as God’s)
What can I show you?
JIM
We’re supposed to land pretty soon,
but it looks like I’m the only one
awake. Is that normal?
OBSERVATORY
I don’t understand. What can I show
you?
JIM
(impatiently)
Show me Homestead II.
IN HOLOGRAM: The planet Homestead II, Earth’s twin sister.
OBSERVATORY
Homestead II is the fourth planet in
the Bhakti system.
JIM
Right. And how soon are we landing?
OBSERVATORY
Approximately ninety years.
JIM
What?
11.


OBSERVATORY
We land on Homestead II in ninety
years, three weeks, and one day.
JIM
No. How long ago did we leave Earth?
OBSERVATORY
Approximately thirty years ago.
Jim stares at the hologram in horrified realization.
JIM
I woke up too soon.
OBSERVATORY
I don’t understand.
JIM
Neither do I.

HIBERNATION BAY
Jim sprints down a row of hibernation pods. Heart pounding.
Slides to a stop in front of his empty pod.
Jim fusses with the controls, pressing buttons. But the
screen just reads “PASSENGER DISCHARGED.”
Crouching, he pulls at the pod’s canopy, trying to open it
with his hands. It doesn’t budge.
JIM
I’m supposed to be in there!

HIBERNATION BAY - CORRIDOR
Jim trudges between rows of sleeping passengers to the aft
end of the huge Hibernation Bay.
There he finds a hatch labeled CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY.
Jim opens it eagerly - and finds another armored hatch with a
small porthole. Labels reads FIREWALL and SECURE ACCESS AREA.
Jim presses the switch. No result.
He peers through the porthole. Inside, the entire crew of the
starship stands sleeping.

GRAND CONCOURSE - INFOMAT
Jim stands at another Infomat.
12.


JIM
How do I make a phone call?
INFOMAT
Your cabin telephone...
JIM
No. Long distance. How do I send a
message to Earth?
INFOMAT
Interstellar messages are sent by
laser array. Speak to the Duty
Officer in the Comm Center.
ONSCREEN: The Infomat displays a helpful map.
INFOMAT (CONT’D)
Please note that interstellar
messaging is an expensive service.
JIM
(walking away)
Bite me.
INFOMAT
Happy to help!

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Two communications booths for passenger use. Jim sits at one
of these. Swipes his shipcard.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Planet and connection?
JIM
Earth. The HomeStead Company.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
There are thirty thousand phone
numbers listed under “HomeStead
Company.” What number?
JIM
I don’t know. I’m emigrating to
Homestead II. I have an emergency.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Division of Colonial Affairs,
Homestead II Program. I have a
Customer Help Line.
JIM
Sounds about right.
13.


The booth’s camera zooms in on Jim’s face. A microphone
extends toward his mouth. The red RECORDING light comes on.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Begin message.
Jim’s a deer in the headlights. He collects himself.
JIM
Hi. I’m Jim Preston. I’m a passenger
on the Excelsior. Something went
wrong with my hibernation pod and I
woke up too soon. Ninety years too
soon. I can’t get back to sleep.
Nobody else is awake.
(with growing panic)
If I don’t figure something out, I’m
going to die of old age before we get
to Homestead II. So help me out here.
(takes a deep breath)
I’ll keep trying to fix this. Maybe I
missed something simple. But I could
use a hand. Thanks.
Jim pushes the “SEND” button. Sits back in his chair.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Message sent.
JIM
Outstanding.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Message will arrive in nineteen
years.
JIM
Say what?
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Earliest possible reply in fifty-five
years.
JIM
No.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
We are nineteen light years from
Earth. By the time your message
arrives, we will be thirty-six light-
years from Earth. We apologize for
the delay.
JIM
(devastated)
Fifty-five years.
14.


COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
That will be six thousand dollars.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Jim crosses the Concourse like a sleepwalker in his robe and
slippers. He looks shell-shocked.
He comes to the Concourse Bar: the fanciest watering hole on
the ship. Black leather stools along a marble bartop.
Jim touches the bartop...and a MAN swings up behind the bar -
as if mounted on a hinge. A handsome fellow in a bartender’s
uniform - his hair and skin eerily perfect. This is ARTHUR.
Jim jumps out of his skin.
ARTHUR
What can I get you?
JIM
I thought I was the only one awake!
ARTHUR
I doubt it. It’s the middle of the
afternoon. Are you drinking or not?
He produces a cloth and polishes the bartop. In a startling
movement, he glides the length of the bar, polishing all the
way, and glides back as if on roller skates.
Jim steps up on the footrail and peers behind the bar.
Arthur’s body stops at the waist. He’s mounted on rails,
built into the bar.
JIM
(deflated)
You’re a robot.
ARTHUR
Android, technically. Arthur’s the
name.
JIM
(taking a seat)
I’m Jim.
Arthur shakes his hand.
ARTHUR
Pleased to meet you. What’ll it be?
JIM
Whiskey, neat.
15.


Arthur pours. Jim knocks the drink back. Points into the
empty glass while his eyes water. Arthur pours another. Jim
takes a big swallow and sets the glass down half-full.
JIM (CONT’D)
Arthur, how much do you know about
the ship?
ARTHUR
I don’t know. I know some things.
JIM
What do I do if my hibernation pod
malfunctions?
ARTHUR
Impossible. Hibernation pods are fail-
safe.
JIM
Yeah, well, I woke up early.
ARTHUR
Can’t happen.
JIM
(a challenge)
How long until we get to Homestead
II?
ARTHUR
Ninety years or so.
JIM
And when are all of us passengers
supposed to wake up?
ARTHUR
Not until the last two months.
JIM
So how can I be sitting here with
ninety years to go?
Arthur’s eyes take on a faraway look. His head twitches.
ARTHUR
It’s not possible for you to be here.
He smiles as if he’s solved the problem.
JIM
But I am.
16.


ARTHUR
Sorry, Jim. My specialty is cocktails
and conversation. Take your fancy
trick questions to one of those
Infomats. They think they know
everything.
JIM
Arthur, I’m in trouble. I’m screwed.
I am completely, ridiculously
screwed.
ARTHUR
Lot of self-pity.
JIM
Self pity? I’m going to die of old
age on this ship!
ARTHUR
Jim, we all die. Even androids end up
on the scrap heap. It’s not dying
that matters, it’s living. This is
your life. Are you going to live it
or lie down and die?
Jim shakes his head in surrender.
JIM
What do I owe you?
ARTHUR
Jim, the booze is on the house.

DECK NINE - AFT OBSERVATION DECK - NIGHT
A moody lounge with panoramic windows. Jim walks in. Strolls
up to the glass.
Stares out at the red stars behind the ship, the cold white
stars all around.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In 2243 aboard the desolate Starship Excelsior, Jim Preston, a lone survivor, awakens from cryosleep 90 years prematurely on a century-long voyage to Homestead II. Struggling with isolation and a dwindling life span, he navigates an eerie emptiness, haunted by the mystery of his untimely awakening and the silence that surrounds him.
Strengths
  • Engaging premise
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a compelling mystery and establishes a sense of urgency and desperation for the protagonist. The unique premise and the emotional impact of the situation make it engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of waking up too early on a spaceship bound for a new colony is intriguing and sets up a strong foundation for the plot. The mystery surrounding the disappearance of other passengers adds depth to the concept.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, introducing the main conflict of the protagonist waking up early and the mystery of the missing passengers. It sets up a strong foundation for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, blending elements of science fiction, existential drama, and dark humor in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, especially the protagonist Jim and the android bartender Arthur. Their interactions add depth to the scene and set up potential character development.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist undergoes a realization of his predicament, leading to a shift in his understanding of the situation. This sets up potential character growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to figure out why he woke up early from hibernation and how to survive the journey to Homestead II. This reflects his fear of being alone and his desire to find a solution to his predicament.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find someone in charge of the ship and get answers about his situation. This reflects his immediate challenge of navigating the ship's systems and finding a way to communicate with Earth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict of the protagonist waking up too early and the mystery of the missing passengers creates tension and intrigue in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test his resolve and resourcefulness. The uncertainty of his situation adds to the tension and conflict in the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of the protagonist facing the possibility of spending the rest of his life alone on the spaceship create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict, establishing the mystery, and setting up the protagonist's goal of finding answers.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations about the protagonist's situation and introduces new challenges and mysteries. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's realization that he is alone and facing a potentially insurmountable challenge. This challenges his beliefs about the reliability of technology and the nature of his existence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly feelings of confusion, fear, and desperation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the confusion and desperation of the protagonist. The interactions with the androids provide an interesting dynamic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling mystery and raises intriguing questions about the protagonist's predicament. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense as the protagonist navigates the empty ship and uncovers the truth about his situation. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a science fiction screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting and character actions. The formatting enhances the visual and narrative impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with the protagonist moving through different locations on the ship in search of answers. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of setting up the premise of the story and introducing the main character, Jim Preston, in a state of confusion and disorientation.
  • The use of futuristic technology like the hibernation pods, android bartender, and Infomats helps to establish the sci-fi setting of the story.
  • The dialogue between Jim and the various automated systems like the Video Stewardess, Infomats, and Arthur the android bartender effectively conveys Jim's sense of isolation and desperation.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue as Jim discovers that he woke up too early and is the only one awake on the ship, setting up the central conflict of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene, such as the futuristic architecture of the starship and the eerie emptiness of the corridors.
  • Explore Jim's emotional state in more depth to give the audience a deeper understanding of his character and motivations.
  • Introduce more hints or clues about the mystery of why Jim woke up early and why he is the only one awake, to keep the audience engaged and curious.
  • Consider adding more interactions with the environment or technology on the ship to show Jim's attempts to solve his predicament and add layers to the story.



Scene 2 - Jim Explores the Spaceship
INT. JIM’S CABIN - MORNING
Jim wakes up and rolls out of bed. Shuffles into the shower.

CAFETERIA
Machines offer food and drink in dizzying variety. Each
machine has a card slot and a screen displaying its menu.
Jim enters, dressed in his own clothes - jeans, a T-shirt.
17.


He swipes his shipcard at a coffee machine. It offers sixteen
kinds of coffee, from a simple cup of joe to the “Mocha
Cappuccino Extreme.” Jim picks the best of the lot.
COFFEE MACHINE
Sorry. The Mocha Cappuccino Extreme
is reserved for gold-class
passengers. Please select another
item.
Jim presses one button after another, denied each time.
COFFEE MACHINE (CONT’D)
Sorry...sorry...sorry...Large coffee.
JIM
Are you serious?
COFFEE MACHINE
Please enjoy.

ELEVATOR
Jim ascends, sipping coffee and eating an egg sandwich.
The doors open at the Command Deck. A sign reads “Crew Area -
No Passengers beyond this point.” Jim breezes past the sign.

COMMAND DECK
Jim prowls the floor, opening doors.
He finds a room marked EMERGENCY GEAR and opens it eagerly.
It’s full of space suits and oxygen tanks.
He peers into a red HAZARD cabinet: fire extinguishers, an
axe, an epoxy foamer for atmosphere leaks - all behind glass.
He opens another door marked EMERGENCY MANUALS - and smiles:
shelf after shelf of waterproof, fireproof technical manuals.
Jim pulls a manual labeled HIBERNATION SYSTEMS.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim wakes up and goes to the shower, then proceeds to the cafeteria where he is denied access to the "Mocha Cappuccino Extreme" coffee due to his passenger status. Undeterred, he takes the elevator to the Command Deck, where he explores various rooms containing emergency gear, manuals, and space suits. Finally, he finds a manual on hibernation systems.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of setting
  • Engaging character development
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth in dialogue
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Jim's character and sets up the mystery surrounding the ship, engaging the audience with its exploration of the environment and technology.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of waking up early from hibernation on a deserted spaceship is intriguing and sets the stage for a compelling narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Jim explores the ship and discovers key information about his situation, setting up future conflicts and challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique futuristic world with advanced technology and societal structures. Jim's actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Jim's character is well-developed through his actions and interactions with the ship's systems, showcasing his resourcefulness and determination.

Character Changes: 7

Jim undergoes a subtle change as he transitions from confusion to determination, setting the stage for his growth throughout the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal in this scene is to explore the ship and possibly find something of interest. This reflects his curiosity and desire for adventure.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal in this scene is to find out more about the ship's emergency gear and systems. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the spaceship and understanding its functions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a low level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by Jim's internal struggle to understand his situation and find a way to survive.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Jim faces obstacles in his exploration of the spaceship, adding conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with Jim facing the challenge of survival and the unknown future ahead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key information about the ship and Jim's situation, setting up future conflicts and challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Jim will navigate the spaceship and what he will discover in the forbidden areas.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be between following rules and regulations (as indicated by the 'No Passengers beyond this point' sign) and Jim's rebellious nature of exploring forbidden areas. This challenges Jim's beliefs about authority and boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene lacks a strong emotional impact, focusing more on establishing the setting and Jim's character.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional and serves to convey information about the ship and Jim's situation, but lacks depth or emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense as Jim explores the spaceship and encounters obstacles in his quest for information.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension as Jim explores the spaceship and encounters obstacles, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a sci-fi genre, with clear descriptions of the futuristic setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of Jim exploring different areas of the spaceship, building tension as he discovers the forbidden emergency gear room.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or purpose for Jim. He wakes up, goes to the cafeteria, and explores the Command Deck without a clear goal or motivation.
  • The dialogue with the coffee machine feels repetitive and doesn't add much to the scene. It could be shortened or made more engaging.
  • The description of Jim's actions in the Command Deck feels disjointed and lacks a cohesive narrative thread. It jumps from opening doors to finding emergency gear without a clear connection.
  • The discovery of the Hibernation Systems manual feels abrupt and lacks buildup. There is no sense of tension or mystery leading up to this moment.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a sense of atmosphere and mood. The setting of the Command Deck and the emergency gear could be described in more detail to enhance the reader's immersion.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clear goal or motivation for Jim in this scene. Is he searching for answers about why he woke up early? Is he trying to find a way to contact the crew or other passengers?
  • Revise the dialogue with the coffee machine to make it more engaging and concise. Consider adding humor or frustration to make the interaction more dynamic.
  • Create a more cohesive narrative flow in Jim's exploration of the Command Deck. Connect his actions and discoveries in a way that builds tension and intrigue.
  • Build up to the discovery of the Hibernation Systems manual by hinting at its importance earlier in the scene. Create a sense of mystery and anticipation around this key moment.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the Command Deck and the emergency gear to create a more immersive setting. Use sensory details to bring the environment to life and engage the reader's imagination.



Scene 3 - Trapped in the Darkness
INT. SUBDECK B - PASSENGER CARGO STOWAGE - DAY
A cavernous cargo hold. Jim drives a forklift down the aisle,
scanning container numbers.
He finds a container labeled “PASSENGER #1498, JAMES
PRESTON.” The forklift pulls it from the rack.
18.



THE CARGO CONTAINER
Opens to reveal Jim’s belongings. Cartons marked “sports” or
“clothes” or “kitchen stuff.”
Amidst the cartons, a heavy-duty TOOLBOX. Jim hauls it out.

HIBERNATION BAY
Jim sits in front of his empty hibernation pod. His toolbox
beside him. The Hibernation Systems manual lies open.
Jim tinkers with the electronics inside his pod.
The pod hums to life. Its data screen flickers with
information. Mysterious WHIRS and THUNKS.
The canopy opens.
Elated, Jim bounces to his feet. Strips off his shirt and
scrambles in. The canopy closes over him.
He assumes the position, his back against the backrest,
waiting for the pod to put him to sleep.
Nothing happens. He pokes at the ports where the sensors and
intravenous lines used to protrude. Shakes the machine.
He gives up. It’s not working.
But now he’s trapped inside the pod.
He pushes at the canopy, but it’s locked shut. He pounds on
the glass with no effect. Finally he loses it, shouting and
stamping, hammering and raging - all muffled behind glass.
Exhausted, he sinks to the floor of the pod, staring out at
his tools and his manual, his discarded shirt.
Then he notices the emergency release handle down by the
floor. He pulls it, and the canopy pops open.

OUTSIDE THE POD
The pod’s display screen blinks back to its original message.
PASSENGER DISCHARGED.

CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY DOOR
Jim looks through the porthole at the sleeping crew.
Jim swipes his shipcard through the door switch. ACCESS
DENIED. He pokes at the keypad. ACCESS DENIED.
19.


Jim opens his toolbox, selects a tool and starts to remove
the keypad’s cover plate.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE WEEKS LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim locates his toolbox and discovers a hibernation pod manual, which he uses to tinker with his malfunctioning pod. However, after entering the pod, he becomes trapped when it fails to activate. Desperate, he uses an emergency release to escape. Denied access to the crew's hibernation facility, Jim begins to remove the keypad cover in an attempt to gain entry, leaving his fate hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of the protagonist
  • Intriguing concept of hibernation malfunction
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Some repetitive actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional turmoil and sets up a new direction for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of hibernation malfunction and the protagonist's attempt to fix it adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the protagonist faces a new obstacle and takes action to overcome it.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi trope of malfunctioning technology, focusing on the protagonist's emotional journey rather than just the technical aspects. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The protagonist's frustration and determination are well portrayed, adding layers to his character.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a shift from frustration to determination as he discovers a way out of his predicament.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to escape the malfunctioning hibernation pod and find a way to rejoin the crew. This reflects his fear of being trapped and his desire for connection and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gain access to the crew hibernation facility and rejoin the crew. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in being locked out and isolated.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the protagonist's struggle with the malfunctioning hibernation pod.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that test his determination and resourcefulness. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how he will overcome the difficulties.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the protagonist's survival and future on the ship depend on fixing the hibernation pod.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle and potential solution for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's actions is uncertain, adding tension and suspense to the narrative. The audience is kept guessing about how he will overcome the obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between individual survival and the need for community and support. His actions reflect a balance between self-preservation and the desire for connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy for the protagonist's predicament and his determination to find a solution.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves the purpose of highlighting the protagonist's struggle.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and urgency, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's struggle. The emotional stakes are high, drawing the audience in.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to the climactic moment of the protagonist's realization. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sci-fi genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is well-paced and engaging, with a good balance of action and character development.
  • The use of the hibernation pod as a focal point for the scene is effective in showcasing Jim's desperation and frustration.
  • The visual descriptions of the cargo hold and hibernation bay help to create a vivid picture of the setting.
  • The internal struggle Jim faces with the malfunctioning pod adds depth to his character and creates tension in the scene.
  • The use of the emergency release handle as a solution to Jim's predicament is a clever way to resolve the immediate conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or dialogue to further explore Jim's emotions and thoughts during the scene.
  • Introduce a secondary character or element to interact with Jim and provide a different perspective on his situation.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to immerse the reader in Jim's experience, such as describing the sounds and smells of the hibernation pod.
  • Explore the implications of Jim's actions in trying to access the crew hibernation facility, adding layers to the ethical dilemmas he faces.
  • Consider incorporating a subtle foreshadowing of future events or character developments to build anticipation for the rest of the script.



Scene 4 - The Search for Belonging
INT. CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY DOOR - MORNING
Jim works on the door with an industrial LASER CUTTER. Sparks
fly. He’s drenched in sweat. Mussed and unshaven.
He lifts the goggles and inspects the door. The laser cutter
has barely marked the surface.
The door’s a mess. Its switch hangs on wires. There are pry
marks around the latch. Gouges around the window. Failed
drill holes. Dents left by an axe.
But the door stands firm.
Jim lets the laser cutter fall. It joins a scrapyard of tools
on the floor: sledgehammer, jackhammer, drill, crowbar, axe.

HIBERNATION BAY - JIM’S POD
Another debris field surrounds Jim’s hibernation pod. Tools
and cables, electronic instruments, a diagnostic laptop.
Jim stalks by without so much as a sideways glance.

CONCOURSE BAR - DAY
Arthur stands behind the bar polishing glasses. Jim sits,
sweaty and grimy, a whiskey in front of him.
His speech is soft around the edges. He’s had a few.
JIM
I thought I’d figure something out. I
thought it would just come to me.
ARTHUR
Stands to reason.
JIM
But I’ve tried everything.
ARTHUR
Sometimes you can’t catch a break.
Jim gives Arthur a thoughtful look.
20.


JIM
I’m your only customer, but you’re
always polishing a glass.
ARTHUR
Trick of the trade. Makes people
nervous when a bartender just stands
there.
JIM
Okay. Lay some bartender wisdom on
me. I’m lost in space here.
Arthur polishes the bar while he thinks that one over.
ARTHUR
You’re not where you want to be. You
feel like you’re supposed to be
somewhere else. Right?
JIM
You said it.
ARTHUR
Well, here’s the thing. Say you could
snap your fingers and be wherever you
wanted to be. Back on Earth, or on
Homestead II.
JIM
Okay.
ARTHUR
I’ll bet even if you got your wish,
you’d still feel this way. Not in the
right place. Supposed to be somewhere
else. That’s not a crisis, it’s the
human condition.
Jim takes a moment to consider that.
JIM
That’s not me.
ARTHUR
Well, maybe not. The point is, you
can’t get so wrapped up in where
you’d rather be that you forget to
make the most of where you are.
JIM
What are you telling me?
21.


ARTHUR
It’s a big ship. You’re always
running around banging on things and
yelling at the computers. Take a
break. Live a little.
Jim spins on his barstool, surveying the Grand Concourse.
JIM
Live a little.
When he comes back around he gives a shove. He spins faster.
ARTHUR
That’s the spirit.
Jim goes for one more shove. Misses. Falls off his stool.

GRAND CONCOURSE - INFORMATION KIOSK
Jim scans a map of the ship. Second-class cabins. First-class
cabins. And the good stuff: palatial suites named for
European cities.
His finger stops on one of the biggest. The Berlin Suite.

BERLIN SUITE
High ceilings, posh furniture, panoramic windows.
The door jumps in its frame with a THUNK. Slides open. Jim
enters, a crowbar in hand.
A cargo robot follows him in, carrying his toolbox and
suitcases. It deposits them on the floor.
CARGO ROBOT
The Berlin Suite! Enjoy your luggage!

BERLIN SUITE - BATH
Jim cleans up in the opulent bathtub. A robot arm with a
water jet washes his back.

BERLIN SUITE - BEDROOM
Jim unpacks. Stowing clothes in closets, laying out mementos.
He pulls a pair of sneakers out of his luggage.
22.



DECK TWO - GYMNASIUM - BASKETBALL COURT
Jim shoots baskets in sneakers and gym clothes. He’s not bad.
He shoots, rebounds, shoots.

SPA
Jim lies on a massage table wearing a towel. A pair of robot
arms emerge from the table and begin to massage him.

DECK THREE - MARCELLO’S - DAY
The Italian restaurant. Cafe tables, white tablecloths.
Jim sits perusing a menu. A robotic waiter - a machine, not a
counterfeit human - rolls up to the table.
JIM
(with relish)
Let me have the rigatoni alla diabla,
with the sauteed spinach and a glass
of the Montepulciano.

DECK TWO - ARCADE - EVENING
A state-of-the-art game room. Jim inspects the flagship game:
“Z Factor!” A huge holographic display, a futuristic cockpit.
Jim swipes his shipcard. The game speaks like an angry giant.
Z FACTOR
Jim Preston! Welcome to the cutting
edge of gaming! The greatest
challenge you will ever know!
JIM
All right then.
He clambers into the cockpit.
Z FACTOR
(snarling)
Are you ready to play Z Factor?
JIM
Yes!
Z FACTOR
(an echoing roar)
Begin!
IN HOLOGRAM: A fortress shines on a hilltop. War machines
crawl over a blasted land. Letters flash: LEVEL ONE.
23.


A WARRIOR appears. Jim’s character. Jim works the controls.
IN HOLOGRAM: The Warrior rises off the ground on a beam of
light - and is immediately torn to pieces by enemy fire.
Z FACTOR (CONT’D)
You lose! Z Factor reigns supreme!
The game howls with demonic laughter.

DECK FOUR - MOVIE THEATER - EVENING
A classic theater. Seats for a thousand. A velvet curtain.
Jim enters. Cued by his arrival, the curtain parts. The film
begins. Jim settles into a seat.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER

DECK TWO - ARCADE - DAY
Jim is playing “Z Factor!” and he’s on fire.
IN HOLOGRAM: The Warrior battles dragons above a crystalline
city. A title announces “Level 40.”
Jim moves like a martial artist, dripping sweat.
IN HOLOGRAM: The Warrior challenges the game’s Final Enemy -
a colossus with a hundred eyes. The Final Enemy falls dead.
Z-FACTOR
You are victorious!
JIM
Yes!
Z-FACTOR
You are the Grand Master of Z Factor!
JIM
(elated)
I am the Grand Master of Z Factor!

GYMNASIUM - BASKETBALL COURT
Jim shoots baskets. He’s brought dozens of balls onto the
court. He no longer rebounds, just grabs the nearest ball.
He shoots from half court. From even farther away. Long
shots, bounce shots off the wall.
24.


He launches a full-court shot, bangs it off the rim, and lets
himself topple over backward. Lies staring at the ceiling.

BELLA CANTINA - AFTERNOON
The ship’s Mexican restaurant. It has the same robot waiters
as the Italian place, but here they wear sombreros.
Jim sits over the wreckage of his lunch. He downs a margarita
and puts the empty glass down beside several others.
JIM
Another margarita!
MEXICAN ROBOT WAITER
You have had many, senor.
JIM
(drunkenly)
Margarita otra vez!
MEXICAN ROBOT WAITER
Si, senor.

LIBRARY - AFTERNOON
A room full of workstations, each with a reading machine. Jim
sits at one in a headset, taking a Russian Language course.
RUSSIAN TEACHER (FILTERED)
This is the Gudonov Russian Language
Course. Level One. Let’s begin.
Repeat after me.
(in Russian)
[I am beginning to learn.]
JIM
(in Russian)
[I am beginning to learn.]
RUSSIAN TEACHER (FILTERED)
I am beginning to learn.
JIM
I am beginning to learn.

CONCOURSE BAR - EVENING
Jim sits drinking. Three glasses in front of him. Drunk.
JIM
(in bad Russian, subtitled)
[I be study the Russian.]
25.


ARTHUR
(in perfect Russian, subtitled)
[Good for you! It’s a beautiful
language.]
JIM
You speak Russian!
ARTHUR
Of course. We have Russian
passengers.
JIM
Well, I’m trying new things. From now
on, every time I sit down, I want a
drink I haven’t had before.
ARTHUR
Fair enough.
Arthur mixes a bright green drink, sets it in front of Jim.
Jim takes a sip and makes a horrible face.
JIM
What’s that?
ARTHUR
Something new.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Jim attempts to break into the crew hibernation facility door, symbolizing his struggle for a deeper connection, but fails. Seeking solace, he confides in Arthur, the bartender, who advises him to embrace the present. Inspired, Jim embarks on a journey of self-discovery, indulging in various activities. Despite his newfound enthusiasm, he continues to grapple with feelings of displacement, seeking refuge in alcohol. Three months later, Jim has excelled in video games, basketball, and Russian language studies, yet his search for belonging remains elusive.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of themes of self-discovery and acceptance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, introspection, and character development, providing a deeper insight into the protagonist's emotional state and growth. The mix of tones keeps the audience engaged and invested in the character's journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man stranded alone on a spaceship, trying to make the most of his situation, is compelling and well-executed. The exploration of themes such as loneliness, self-discovery, and acceptance adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the protagonist's attempts to find joy and purpose in his solitude, leading to moments of self-realization and growth. While the plot is character-driven, it effectively showcases the protagonist's emotional journey.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of self-discovery and fulfillment, combining futuristic elements with timeless questions about purpose and belonging. The dialogue feels authentic and thought-provoking.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the protagonist Jim and the bartender android Arthur, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, moving from frustration and loneliness to moments of self-realization and acceptance. His interactions with other characters, especially Arthur, contribute to his growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find a sense of purpose and belonging, as he grapples with feelings of being lost and out of place.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to explore new experiences and break out of his routine, seeking fulfillment and excitement in unfamiliar activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is internal conflict within the protagonist as he grapples with his situation, the scene lacks external conflict. The focus is more on character development and introspection rather than traditional conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the protagonist facing internal conflicts and existential questions rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the protagonist's internal struggles and emotional journey. While the outcome of Jim's self-discovery is important for his character arc, there is no immediate external threat or high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot of the story, it provides crucial character development for the protagonist. It deepens the audience's understanding of Jim's emotional state and sets the stage for his future actions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by exploring deep philosophical themes within a futuristic setting, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of finding contentment and meaning in the present moment, rather than constantly yearning for something different. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about where true happiness lies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from loneliness and frustration to moments of humor and self-realization. The audience is likely to empathize with the protagonist's journey and feel a connection to his emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys emotions, humor, and introspection, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the audience's connection to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's internal struggles and desires, drawing the audience into his journey of self-discovery and exploration.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the protagonist's internal struggles and journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and activities to showcase the protagonist's journey of exploration and self-discovery.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and effectively conveys Jim's frustration and desperation as he tries to break into the crew hibernation facility.
  • The use of visual descriptions, such as the debris field surrounding Jim's hibernation pod and the scrapyard of tools on the floor, adds depth to the scene and enhances the reader's understanding of Jim's state of mind.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Arthur in the Concourse Bar provides insight into Jim's internal struggle and Arthur's perspective on the situation.
  • The progression of Jim's actions from using a laser cutter to a sledgehammer, axe, and other tools effectively shows his escalating desperation and determination.
  • The introduction of the Berlin Suite and Jim's exploration of various activities on the ship adds layers to his character and sets the stage for his journey of self-discovery.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional cues to further explore Jim's thoughts and feelings during his attempts to break into the crew hibernation facility.
  • Provide more context or hints about why Jim is so determined to access the crew hibernation facility, which could add depth to his character and motivations.
  • Explore the dynamic between Jim and Arthur further, delving into Arthur's role as an android bartender and how he interacts with Jim in more detail.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene and immerse the reader in Jim's surroundings and emotions.
  • Continue to build on Jim's character development and growth throughout the scene, showing his progression from frustration to acceptance and embracing the present moment.



Scene 5 - Jim's Loneliness and Boredom
INT. BERLIN SUITE - BEDROOM - MORNING
Jim sleeps in his luxurious bed. The covers knotted around
him. He hasn’t shaven in weeks.
His eyes open. He lies staring at the ceiling.
After a long moment he gets up. Shuffles toward the bathroom
in his underwear. He’s put on a beer gut.

CAFETERIA - MORNING
Jim walks past empty tables. Dials up a coffee and a roll.
Sits sipping coffee and staring at nothing.

ARCADE ENTRANCE - DAY
Flashes and blasts of noise. The sounds of Z Factor!
Z FACTOR (O.S.)
You are victorious!
26.



AT THE Z-FACTOR MACHINE
Jim sits blank-faced in the cockpit.
Z-FACTOR
New high score!
Bored, Jim punches his name into the High Scores board. JIM.
All the other high scores say JIM.

CONCOURSE BAR - MORNING
Jim walks up to the bar and slides onto a stool.
JIM
(in fluent Russian, subtitled)
[I’m ready for today’s new drink]
ARTHUR
(in Russian, subtitled)
[I’m afraid I can’t help you, my
friend.]
Jim thumps his fist on the bar.
JIM
(in Russian, subtitled)
[Don’t argue with me, robot. Give me
a new drink.]
ARTHUR
(reluctantly)
There are no new drinks.
JIM
What do you mean?
ARTHUR
I can make two thousand, seven
hundred and thirty-eight cocktails.
You’ve had them all.
The news hits Jim like a death in the family.
JIM
There are no new drinks.

NIGHTCLUB - EVENING
On the holographic stage, a sexy LOUNGE SINGER in a slinky
dress croons a torch song. Jim stands just inches away.
He touches her face. The hologram dissolves into static.
27.


Jim drops his hand, restoring the illusion. Closes his eyes
in an agony of loneliness.

GRAND CONCOURSE - SHOPPING DISTRICT - NIGHT
Jim walks past the upscale shops, blind to their displays.
He comes to a PHOTO BOOTH. The promotional pictures on the
side catch his attention: people clowning, smiling, kissing.
He pulls back the curtain, sits in the booth. The curtain
falls. The strobe flashes.
A photostrip drops into the tray outside the machine: four
identical shots of Jim staring into the lens without emotion.

ELITE DECK - ELITE PROMENADE - DAY
Jim walks numbly along, ignoring the stellar view. He munches
potato chips out of a bag.
A SWEEPER ROBOT follows him like a dog, collecting crumbs.
Jim feeds it chips. One for Jim, one for the robot.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Jim enters, still munching chips. The sweeper robot follows.
Jim stands at the windows. Stares out into the dark. Sighs a
terrible sigh.
Suddenly he’s wracked by sobs. Tears welling up. He leans his
forehead against the glass. Moaning.
After a moment he sits down blindly.
The whole room begins to slide past him.
Confused, Jim looks around. He’s accidentally sat down on the
sweeper robot: it carries him across the room.

TRAVELING SHOT
The robot carries Jim up and down the Celestial Promenade.
Down an elevator.
Past the Concourse Bar. Jim waves. Arthur waves back,
speechless.

DECK ONE
The robot heads into a low hatch. Jim ducks to fit through.
28.



ROBOTICS CENTER
A mechanical hive. Here the ship’s robots are cleaned,
repaired, recharged. Robots bustle everywhere - never
colliding, never getting lost. A ballet.
Jim’s sweeper robot vomits its load of collected dirt into a
waste chute. Heads into a recharging niche.
Jim jumps off.
He explores: it’s an engineer’s fantasia. Jim’s eyes show
signs of life. But it’s a hazardous place, with cranes and
platforms, hoses and blowtorches on the move.
He exits through another low hatch to find himself in the...

HIBERNATION BAY
Thousands of sleepers in their glass tubes. Jim walks among
them, looking at their faces.
Suddenly he stops, staring. Inside a pod, a woman stands
sleeping. This is AURORA DUNN. A breathtaking beauty.
JIM
Who are you?
(peers at her data screen)
Aurora.
He moves on, browsing people. Stops. Backtracks. He stands in
front of Aurora, looking in through the glass.
He glances at her data screen again.
JIM (CONT’D)
New York City. Journalist.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim wakes up unshaven and overweight in a luxurious suite on a spaceship. He goes to the cafeteria for coffee and sits in silence. He plays a video game and sets a new high score. He tries to order a new drink at the bar, but the bartender tells him there are no more new drinks. He goes to a nightclub and touches a holographic lounge singer, but the hologram dissolves. He takes emotionless photo booth pictures of himself. He walks through a shopping district and feeds a sweeper robot chips. He goes to the forward observation deck and cries, then sits on the sweeper robot, which carries him through the ship. He ends up in the hibernation bay and sees Aurora Dunn sleeping in a pod.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intriguing new character introduction
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be improved in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Jim's emotional turmoil and sets up a new plot point with the introduction of Aurora, adding depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man waking up alone on a spaceship and trying to find purpose in his existence is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with Jim's exploration of the ship and his encounter with Aurora, setting up new developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of existential loneliness and the search for meaning in a futuristic setting. The interactions between Jim and the robotic bartender add a unique twist to the exploration of human emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jim's character is well-developed, showcasing his emotional struggles and growth. Aurora's introduction adds a new dynamic to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Jim undergoes a significant emotional transformation, moving from despair to a sense of purpose and curiosity.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal in this scene is to find something new and meaningful in his monotonous and repetitive existence. He is seeking novelty and excitement to break free from his emotional numbness and loneliness.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal is to find a new drink in the bar, symbolizing his desire for change and novelty in his routine.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The internal conflict within Jim is evident as he grapples with his isolation and purposelessness.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, with Jim facing internal obstacles and emotional challenges that add depth to his character.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high for Jim as he grapples with his existential crisis and the unknown future ahead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements and characters that propel the story forward, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations of a typical sci-fi setting by focusing on emotional themes rather than action or technology.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of existential emptiness and the search for purpose in a seemingly meaningless existence. Jim's interactions with the robotic bartender and his emotional breakdown at the observation deck highlight this conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of loneliness, despair, and hope, drawing the audience into Jim's internal struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Jim's emotions and interactions with the robotic bartender, Arthur.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves deep into Jim's internal struggles and emotional journey, keeping the audience invested in his character development.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into Jim's emotional turmoil and keeping them engaged with the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective transitions between locations and characters. The use of visual cues and descriptive language enhances the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different locations and moments of introspection. This format adds depth to Jim's character and enhances the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose for Jim's character, leading to a disjointed and meandering narrative.
  • The transition between different locations and activities feels abrupt and disconnected, making it challenging for the audience to follow Jim's emotional journey.
  • There is a lack of depth in Jim's interactions with the various elements of the scene, such as the holographic lounge singer and the photo booth, resulting in a superficial exploration of his loneliness and despair.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Arthur in Russian adds an interesting element but could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact of Jim's realization about the lack of new drinks.
  • The visual descriptions of Jim's actions and surroundings are vivid and engaging, but they need to be more cohesive to create a stronger visual narrative.
  • The introduction of Aurora Dunn at the end of the scene feels rushed and could benefit from more build-up and context to establish her significance in Jim's story.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clearer throughline for Jim's emotional journey in the scene, with a more defined arc and purpose for his actions.
  • Create smoother transitions between different locations and activities to improve the flow of the scene and enhance the audience's engagement.
  • Deepen Jim's interactions with the holographic lounge singer, the photo booth, and other elements to provide more insight into his feelings of loneliness and despair.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Jim and Arthur in Russian to add depth and emotional resonance to Jim's realization about the lack of new drinks.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more cohesive and immersive visual narrative that supports Jim's emotional journey and the introduction of Aurora Dunn.



Scene 6 - Researching Aurora Dunn
INT. DECK TWO - LIBRARY
A workstation. Jim types “Aurora Dunn” into a search engine.
It returns a list of New Yorker articles. Some titles:

The New Corporate Overlords
Patient or Patent? Genetic Medicine and You
Modern Love: Dating the Database
Jim moves the articles onto a digital slate.

CONCOURSE BAR - EVENING
Jim sits reading one of Aurora’s articles. Arthur keeps busy.
29.


JIM
Did you know ninety percent of the
businesses in the world are owned by
just eight companies?
ARTHUR
Is that right?
JIM
She’s good. She knows her stuff, and
she’s not afraid of anybody.
ARTHUR
Who’s that?
JIM
Aurora.
ARTHUR
Who’s Aurora?
JIM
A woman. A passenger.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim explores journalist Aurora Dunn's work in the library and bar, discussing her articles with Arthur and finding her to be an impressive writer.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging exploration of loneliness and self-discovery
  • Intriguing introduction of Aurora Dunn
Weaknesses
  • Some pacing issues in the middle of the scene
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and sets up intrigue with the introduction of Aurora Dunn.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of being alone on a spaceship and seeking connection and purpose is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Jim searches for information about Aurora Dunn, adding depth to his character and the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the focus on genetic medicine and corporate control, which add depth to the narrative. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals character motivations effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jim's character development is well-crafted, and the introduction of Aurora Dunn adds complexity and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

Jim undergoes a subtle transformation as he begins to explore his surroundings and seek connection with Aurora Dunn.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal in this scene is to admire and respect Aurora for her knowledge and fearlessness. This reflects his desire for someone who is intelligent and independent.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal is to learn more about Aurora and possibly form a connection with her. This reflects his immediate circumstances of being intrigued by her articles and wanting to know more about her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The internal conflict within Jim as he grapples with his situation and seeks connection provides a subtle but engaging conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of resolution.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not overtly high, the emotional stakes for Jim in finding connection and purpose are significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing Aurora Dunn and deepening Jim's character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information and character dynamics that keep the audience guessing about future developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the control of corporations and the individuality and fearlessness of Aurora. This challenges Jim's beliefs about power and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of loneliness and longing, drawing the audience into Jim's emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Jim and Arthur reveals Jim's curiosity and longing for connection.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing characters and themes, and builds suspense through dialogue and action.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and character motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup and development of character relationships. The pacing is effective in building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. While Jim is researching Aurora and reading her articles, the significance of this action is not fully explored or developed.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Arthur feels forced and lacks depth. There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Jim's admiration for Aurora and his growing connection to her through her writing.
  • The transition from Jim researching Aurora in the library to sitting in the Concourse Bar reading her article feels abrupt and disjointed. The scene could benefit from a smoother transition to enhance the flow.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience. Adding details about the library and the Concourse Bar would help bring the scene to life.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore Jim's feelings of loneliness, isolation, and connection to Aurora. Developing these emotional aspects would add depth and complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding on Jim's emotional journey and his growing connection to Aurora through her articles. Show how her writing impacts him on a personal level.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jim and Arthur to make it more meaningful and reflective of Jim's internal struggles and admiration for Aurora.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the library and the Concourse Bar to improve the overall flow of the scene.
  • Add more visual descriptions to create a rich and immersive setting for the audience. Describe the library and the Concourse Bar in detail to enhance the audience's experience.
  • Focus on developing the emotional depth of the scene by exploring Jim's feelings of loneliness, isolation, and connection to Aurora. Show the impact of Aurora's writing on Jim's emotional state.



Scene 7 - Jim's Moral Dilemma
INT. BERLIN SUITE - MORNING
Jim lies asleep, wearing boxer shorts and a full beard. The
suite’s a wreck. Laundry and dishes litter the floor.
His eyes open. He looks at the stars outside. Gropes under
the pillow and pulls out a remote control. Punches a button.
The window shades come down, hiding the view.

CORRIDOR
Jim emerges from his room in boxer shorts and slippers. He’s
dragging a blanket.
A housekeeping robot, its dustpan quivering in anticipation,
hovers outside his door.
Jim taps the “Do Not Disturb” button on his door panel and
walks away.
The housekeeping robot squeals in frustration as the door
closes over the mess inside.
30.



CAFETERIA
Jim pours milk over a bowl of cereal.

ELEVATOR
Jim descends, the blanket draped over his shoulders like a
serape. He holds his bowl of cereal in both hands.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Jim stands eating cereal and staring at Aurora. His eyes
never stray from her face.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Jim glowers at the bar in his boxers and blanket. The cereal
bowl on the bar beside him.
JIM
I’m not saying the universe is evil.
It’s just got an ugly sense of humor.
It doesn’t just crush you. It crushes
you ironically.
ARTHUR
Things may look dark sometimes...
JIM
You get to fly to another planet, but
you die on the way. You’re completely
alone, with the perfect woman right
in front of you, just out of reach.
ARTHUR
Aurora.
JIM
Yes, Aurora! Arthur, I’m falling for
her. I’ve read all her stuff.
Sometimes I talk to her and I know
exactly what she’d say.
ARTHUR
Jim, Aurora’s asleep.
JIM
I know.
(lays his head on the bar)
I know.
31.



DECK NINE - OBSERVATORY - DAY
IN HOLOGRAM: Excelsior’s progress diagram.
The Excelsior hangs between Earth and Homestead II. A legend
reads: “TIME TRAVELED: 30 YEARS. TIME REMAINING: 90 YEARS.”
Jim stands watching.
The numbers change with a digital click. TIME TRAVELED: 31
YEARS. TIME REMAINING: 89 YEARS.

CONCOURSE BAR - MORNING
Jim walks up to the bar with the HIBERNATION SYSTEMS MANUAL.
Drops the book on the bar with a thud and takes a seat.
JIM
Arthur. Say you were trapped on a
desert island, and you had the power
to wish somebody there with you. You
wouldn’t be alone anymore, but you’d
be stranding another person on the
island. Would you make the wish?
ARTHUR
I don’t know. I’ve never been on an
island.
JIM
Okay. Say you figured out how to do
something that would make your life a
hundred times better. But it’s wrong,
and there’s no taking it back. How
wrong would it have to be to stop
you? I mean, what if it made your
life a thousand times better? How do
you do the math?
ARTHUR
Jim. These are not robot questions.
Jim stares at Arthur in frustration.
JIM
(spelling it out)
I know how to wake up Aurora.
ARTHUR
Sounds like a fine idea. You could
use some company.
32.


JIM
I’d be stranding her on this ship for
the rest of her life!
ARTHUR
Oh. Well, you can’t do that.
Jim buries his face in his hands.
JIM
What am I going to do?
ARTHUR
Jim. I’m here for you.
JIM
(looking up)
Arthur, you’re a machine.
Jim hauls the manual off the bartop and stalks away.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim, conflicted by the consequences, debates whether to awaken Aurora from her hibernation. Arthur, a machine, cautions against stranding her on the ship indefinitely. Jim's indecision and the weight of his choice linger as he leaves their discussion.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Philosophical exploration
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and introspection of the protagonist, setting a somber tone that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of isolation, self-discovery, and moral dilemmas in a sci-fi setting is intriguing and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas of the protagonist, driving the emotional depth of the scene.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi genre by focusing on interpersonal relationships and moral dilemmas rather than traditional action or adventure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jim and Arthur, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jim undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection, leading to a deeper understanding of himself and his situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to grapple with his feelings for Aurora and the moral implications of waking her up from hibernation. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and connection, as well as his fear of loneliness and isolation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out what to do about waking up Aurora and the consequences of his actions. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the narrative.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, as Jim grapples with moral dilemmas and feelings of isolation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces internal and external challenges that test his beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of his decisions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily internal, focusing on Jim's emotional well-being and moral decisions.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it delves deep into the internal struggles and development of the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the moral ambiguity and emotional conflict that drive the narrative. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will resolve his internal and external dilemmas.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral dilemma of waking up Aurora and the consequences of his actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, as well as his values regarding companionship and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in its exploration of loneliness and self-discovery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and philosophical musings of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral complexity, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's internal struggles and philosophical dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing the audience to engage with the protagonist's emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jim waking up in a messy suite, which sets the tone for his current state of disarray and isolation. This visual cue effectively conveys Jim's emotional state without the need for dialogue.
  • The interaction with the housekeeping robot adds a touch of humor and highlights Jim's avoidance of cleaning up his mess, symbolizing his avoidance of facing his problems.
  • The scene transitions smoothly as Jim moves through different locations on the ship, showcasing his daily routine and his fixation on Aurora in the hibernation bay.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Arthur in the Concourse Bar delves into Jim's internal struggle and moral dilemma, adding depth to his character and setting up a crucial decision he must make.
  • The hologram scene in the observatory provides a visual representation of the passage of time, emphasizing the long journey ahead for Jim and the significance of his choices.
  • The conversation between Jim and Arthur about waking up Aurora raises ethical questions and foreshadows a major conflict that will impact the story.
  • The scene effectively conveys Jim's internal conflict, loneliness, and growing feelings for Aurora, setting up a pivotal moment in the narrative.
  • Overall, the scene effectively establishes Jim's emotional state, moral dilemma, and the central conflict he will face in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance Jim's emotional journey, such as subtle changes in his appearance or surroundings to reflect his inner turmoil.
  • Explore ways to deepen the interaction between Jim and Aurora, perhaps through subtle gestures or shared moments that build their connection.
  • Introduce more dynamic elements to the scene to create a sense of urgency or tension, especially as Jim grapples with his decision to wake up Aurora.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the environment of the spaceship and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Focus on developing Jim's internal conflict and moral dilemma further, allowing the audience to empathize with his struggles and understand the weight of his decisions.



Scene 8 - Solitude in Space
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR
The ship forges through space, its lit windows shining.
Jim paces back and forth on a promenade, a tiny figure
dwarfed by the mighty ship and the tapestry of stars.

DECK TWO - HALL OF FAITH - DAY
Jim passes under a sign reading “Hall of Faith,” into a
circular walk.
There’s a small fountain in the middle of the circle. Around
the edges, doors labeled: BUDDHISM, JUDAISM, HINDUISM,
CHRISTIANITY, ISLAM, OTHER FAITHS.
Jim walks the circle, looking through the doorways: a cross,
a Buddha, an abstract sculpture in the “Other Faiths” chapel.
He continues around the circle and out into the ship.

DECK FOUR - STARBOARD E.V.A. ROOM
Jim opens a door marked “Starboard E.V.A. Room - No
Passengers Beyond This Point!”
The E.V.A. Room is dominated by an airlock. Spacesuits in
racks. Tools, tethers, shuttle docking rings.
Jim goes to the airlock. Opens the inner door.
A BUZZER sounds a warning.
33.


He steps into the airlock. The door closes behind him.
Jim looks at the red lever that opens the outer door. He
grips the lever. Looks thoughtfully out at the stars.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim explores the Excelsior's promenade and Hall of Faith, contemplating his surroundings. He then enters the Starboard EVA Room and gazes out at space, his thoughts unknown.
Strengths
  • Exploration of faith and morality
  • Emotional depth and vulnerability of characters
  • Thematic richness and philosophical undertones
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may be slow for some viewers
  • Limited external conflict or action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Jim's emotional turmoil and the weight of his decisions, creating a sense of introspection and depth. The exploration of faith and morality adds layers to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring different faiths and the moral dilemma of waking Aurora up in a deserted spaceship is intriguing and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the character development and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Jim's internal conflict and moral dilemma, driving the emotional core of the scene. It sets up important decisions and character development for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach by blending elements of science fiction with spiritual exploration, creating a unique and thought-provoking setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Jim's internal struggle and moral dilemma are well-developed, showcasing his complexity and vulnerability. Arthur serves as a wise and comforting presence, offering guidance and perspective.

Character Changes: 7

Jim undergoes significant internal growth and introspection, grappling with his beliefs and values. His moral dilemma and existential crisis lead to a deeper understanding of himself and his place in the universe.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal in this scene is to find solace or guidance in the different faiths represented in the Hall of Faith. This reflects his deeper need for spiritual connection or understanding in the face of the vastness of space and the challenges he faces.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal in this scene is to access the Starboard E.V.A. Room, possibly to prepare for a spacewalk or mission. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his environment and the challenges of space travel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, as Jim grapples with his decisions and the consequences of his actions. The moral dilemma creates tension and drives the emotional stakes of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as Jim faces obstacles in accessing the E.V.A. Room and navigating the Hall of Faith.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Jim faces a moral dilemma that could have profound consequences for Aurora and himself. The decision to wake her up carries weight and uncertainty, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up important decisions and character development. It establishes key themes and conflicts that will shape future events, driving the narrative momentum.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the Hall of Faith and the E.V.A. Room, challenging the audience's expectations and adding depth to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of science and spirituality, as represented by the Hall of Faith and the E.V.A. Room. This challenges Jim's beliefs and values, forcing him to navigate between the practicalities of space travel and the search for meaning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Jim's vulnerability and existential crisis. The themes of loneliness and self-discovery resonate with the audience, creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Jim's inner turmoil and the philosophical discussions with Arthur add depth to the scene. It enhances character dynamics and thematic exploration.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines visual spectacle with emotional depth, inviting the audience to reflect on the character's journey and the themes of science and spirituality.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection with action, creating a sense of tension and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction for Jim's character. While the setting and visuals are described in detail, there is a lack of emotional depth or character development.
  • The transition from Jim pacing on the promenade to entering the Hall of Faith feels disjointed and abrupt. There is a disconnect between the two locations and it's unclear how they are related to Jim's internal struggles.
  • The exploration of the different faiths in the Hall of Faith could be more meaningful if it tied back to Jim's own inner conflict or provided insight into his character. As it stands, the scene feels like a superficial exploration of religious symbols.
  • The introduction of the Starboard E.V.A. Room and the airlock adds an element of danger or risk, but it's not clear how this connects to Jim's emotional journey or the overall narrative.
  • Overall, the scene lacks a strong emotional throughline and fails to deepen our understanding of Jim's character or move the story forward in a meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus more on Jim's internal struggles and emotional journey. Connect the exploration of the different faiths in the Hall of Faith to Jim's own beliefs or doubts.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing for Jim's decision to enter the Starboard E.V.A. Room and interact with the airlock. Make sure these actions have a clear purpose and impact on the story.
  • Add dialogue or inner monologue for Jim to convey his thoughts, feelings, and motivations more clearly. This will help the audience connect with his character and understand his journey.
  • Consider incorporating elements from the previous scenes, such as Jim's moral dilemma about waking Aurora up, to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative arc.
  • Focus on creating a sense of tension, conflict, and resolution within the scene to keep the audience engaged and invested in Jim's story.



Scene 9 - Jim's Contemplation in Space
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - STARBOARD AIRLOCK
The airlock outer door opens with a blast of air. Jim emerges
from the airlock - wearing a SPACE SUIT.
He plants his feet on the hull and walks up the side of the
ship on magnetic boots.

ATOP THE SHIP
Jim walks forward across the giant skylight.

AT THE BOW
Jim stands, face uplifted. The cosmos reflected in his visor.
Raises his arms. Imploring the heavens for an answer.
But no answer comes. His lifted arms fall.

INT. HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Jim stands looking at Aurora: a bearded pilgrim in a holy
place.
FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim exits his starship and walks along its hull. He raises his arms towards the heavens, seemingly searching for answers, but encounters silence. Inside the ship, he gazes at Aurora in the hibernation bay, leaving unresolved conflicts and a sense of unanswered longing.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of themes
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Complex character development
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may be slow for some viewers
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of loneliness and introspection through the protagonist's actions and inner turmoil. It sets up intriguing moral dilemmas and hints at deeper emotional conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of being stranded on a deserted starship and facing existential questions about life and purpose is compelling. The exploration of self-discovery and moral dilemmas adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the protagonist's internal struggles and moral dilemmas, driving the emotional core of the scene. It sets up potential conflicts and character development for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its exploration of existential themes in a sci-fi setting. The authenticity of the protagonist's actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Jim, are well-developed and showcase complex emotions and motivations. Their interactions and inner thoughts add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant emotional and moral changes throughout the scene, grappling with his circumstances and facing difficult decisions. His character arc is compelling and sets up potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find answers or meaning in the vastness of space. His actions reflect a deeper need for understanding or purpose in his journey.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it could be interpreted as seeking guidance or a sign from the universe.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the protagonist's moral dilemmas and emotional struggles. It sets up potential external conflicts and challenges for future developments.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the protagonist facing the silence of the universe as he seeks answers.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the protagonist's moral dilemmas and emotional struggles. The decisions he faces have significant consequences for himself and others, adding tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the protagonist's internal conflicts and moral dilemmas. It sets up potential plot developments and character arcs for future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure if the protagonist will find the answers he seeks or be left in silence.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for answers or guidance and the silence of the universe. It challenges his beliefs about his place in the cosmos and the purpose of his journey.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of loneliness, longing, and contemplation. The protagonist's internal struggles and moral dilemmas resonate with the audience, creating a deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the protagonist's inner turmoil and moral dilemmas. It sets up intriguing conflicts and emotional stakes for the characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's internal struggles and existential questions, drawing the audience into his emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emphasizing the protagonist's emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about Jim's motivations and actions.
  • The visual imagery of Jim walking up the side of the ship and standing at the bow is striking, but the significance of these actions is unclear.
  • The dialogue is non-existent in this scene, which could have been used to provide insight into Jim's thoughts and emotions.
  • The transition from Jim walking up the side of the ship to standing at the bow feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The scene ends with a fade to black, which feels like an incomplete conclusion to Jim's actions.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context for Jim's decision to exit the airlock and walk up the side of the ship. What is he hoping to achieve or discover?
  • Consider adding internal monologue or voiceover to give insight into Jim's thoughts and feelings as he stands at the bow.
  • Add a moment of reflection or realization for Jim as he looks at Aurora in her pod to tie the scene together.
  • Consider incorporating a symbolic gesture or action that represents Jim's internal struggle or conflict.
  • Revisit the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion or transition to the next scene.



Scene 10 - Awakening on Excelsior
INT. BERLIN SUITE - BATH - DAY
Jim stands at the sink with a futuristic shaver in his hand.
He talks to himself as he takes off his castaway’s beard.
JIM
I’m shaving off my beard.
(to his reflection)
It’s wrong, man.
The whiskers pile up in the sink, wash down the drain. His
face emerges from its mask.
JIM (CONT’D)
Seriously wrong. You can’t do it.
He’s finished. Clean-shaven.
34.


JIM (CONT’D)
Don’t even think about it.
(astonished at himself)
I’m shaving off my beard.

CORRIDOR
Jim exits his cabin in his coveralls, carrying his toolbox.
He finds a squadron of housekeeping robots waiting outside.
He taps the “PLEASE SERVICE” button beside his door.
The robots zoom inside with squeals of joy.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Jim stands in front of Aurora: toolbox in one hand, the
technical manual in the other. He’s breathing hard.
He sets the toolbox down. Opens the manual. It’s densely
annotated in Jim’s handwriting.
He opens the pod’s cover panel and goes to work, following
the steps in his manual. His hands shake.
He starts to close a final contact.
Stops.
Gets to his feet. Stands looking at Aurora.
Quickly he kneels and completes the circuit. Pulls his hands
away as if the metal had burned him.
JIM
Okay.
Aurora’s pod hums. Medical data flows across its screen. Her
vital signs re-start. Her pale skin flushes with color.
Jim beats a retreat.

AURORA’S POD
Aurora’s perfect lips part. She takes a shallow breath - and
then a deep one. Her chest rises and falls.
Her thighs shift as she bends her knees. The sensors on her
body drop off and withdraw into the pod.
She opens her eyes. They’re beautiful.
Her pod’s backrest flexes, scooping up her knees as it
becomes a seat. A video screen drops in front of her.
35.


VIDEO STEWARDESS
Good morning, Aurora!

BERLIN SUITE
The luxury cabin now tidy and immaculate.
Jim bursts in, wild-eyed. Drops his toolbox. Hides the marked-
up manual in the closet.
He splashes water on his face. Stares into the mirror.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Aurora puts on her Homestead Company bathrobe and slippers.
Places her shipcard around her neck on its lanyard.
VIDEO STEWARDESS
You’re ready to go to your cabin.
Make yourself at home! Enjoy the rest
of your flight, Aurora!
Woozy, Aurora sees the other passengers still asleep.
AURORA
Wait! Why are all these people still
hibernating?
The screen pivots to face her. The Video Stewardess points.
VIDEO STEWARDESS
Aurora, your cabin is this way!

DECK SEVEN - CORRIDOR
Jim sticks his head out of his cabin, looks up and down the
hall. Steps out warily.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Jim approaches Aurora’s pod, electrified. The pod is empty.
The screen reads PASSENGER DISCHARGED.

DECK NINE - NUMBER NINE PROMENADE
Aurora finds her cabin. It’s a first-class cabin, its door
overlooking the Grand Concourse atrium.
36.



AURORA’S CABIN
Posher than Jim’s original cabin. A king-sized bed, a
panoramic window.
A widescreen video screen lights up. The Homestead Company
theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to your cabin, Aurora! Your
home until we...
Aurora slaps the display off. Goes to the phone.
A touch of her finger brings up the ship’s telephone
directory. Aurora selects “Information.”
PHONE
No one is available at that number.
She touches other phone links, faster and faster.
PHONE (CONT’D)
No one is available...No one is...No
one...No one...No one is available at
that number.
AURORA
What the hell’s going on?

DECK FOUR - SHOPPING DISTRICT
Aurora strides down the lane of quiet shops. Actively
searching for other people.

ELITE DECK - ELITE PROMENADE
Jim paces nervously, glancing around. She could be anywhere.
AURORA (O.S.)
Hello?
Jim rushes to the railing. Below on the Grand Concourse,
Aurora is turning in circles, looking up at the balconies.
AURORA (CONT’D)
(shouting)
Hello!
JIM
(a husky whisper)
Hi.
(mustering a shout)
Hello!
37.


Aurora spins. Spots him.
AURORA
(shouting)
Hey! I want to talk to you!
JIM
(shouting)
I’ll come down.
Jim runs down six flights of stairs, his heart in his throat.
He reaches the Grand Concourse out of breath. He stops a few
paces away, just looking at Aurora, getting his wind back.
AURORA
Passenger or crew?
JIM
Passenger. Jim Preston.
He sticks out a hand. She shakes it firmly. Electric for Jim.
First contact.
AURORA
I’m Aurora.
Jim’s lips move as she speaks her name, almost saying it with
her. Aurora. She doesn’t pick up on it.
AURORA (CONT’D)
Do you know what’s happening? Nobody
else in my row woke up.
JIM
Yeah, I...same for me.
AURORA
The crew’s supposed to wake up a
month before we do. But I haven’t
seen anybody.
Jim swallows hard.
JIM
The crew’s still sleeping. They’ve
got a special facility. I can see
them in there but I can’t get in.
Aurora stares at him.
AURORA
You’re saying nobody’s awake?
JIM
Just me.
38.


AURORA
Just you?
JIM
Just us.
AURORA
But somebody’s got to land the ship
in a few weeks.
Jim’s finding it unexpectedly hard to deliver the bad news.
JIM
I have to show you something.

ELEVATOR A
Jim and Aurora ride upward. She looks out into the atrium,
watching the floors go by.
AURORA
Typical. There’s so much incompetence
in these big companies. No
accountability! They lost my luggage
on the flight to the spaceport. I’m
leaving the planet and my bags almost
didn’t make it! And nobody
apologizes. Nobody even feels bad.
Jim is only half listening - his eyes drawn to the spill of
her hair over her neck, the line of her jaw.
AURORA (CONT’D)
It’s the corporate mentality.
(looking at Jim)
Where are we going?
Jim yanks his eyes away from her neck.
JIM
The Observatory.

OBSERVATORY
Aurora’s eyes, wide and staring. Her face a mask of horror.
In front of them hangs the starship’s progress indicator -
the Excelsior hanging between Earth and Homestead II. Thirty-
one years elapsed; Eighty-nine years to go.
AURORA
(a shocked whisper)
Eighty-nine years to go.
39.


JIM
The other passengers aren’t late
waking up. We’re early.
Aurora stares at Jim.
AURORA
We’ve got to get back to sleep.

HIBERNATION BAY
Jim and Aurora walk down a row of hibernation pods.
AURORA
Nobody strands me on a spaceship for
a hundred years. I work for the New
Yorker. I’ll write an expose so hot
you’ll need oven mitts to read it.
Trust me.
JIM
It’s not that simple. Putting
somebody into hibernation takes
special equipment. Remember the
facility where they put us to sleep?
Jim points at a pod beside them. A middle-aged woman inside.
JIM (CONT’D)
This pod will keep her in hibernation
as long as you want. And it can wake
her up. But it can’t put her back to
sleep.
AURORA
(getting it)
You don’t think there’s a way back
into hibernation.
JIM
Not that I can see.
AURORA
There has to be. There’s always a
way. Where’s the crew?

CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY DOOR
Jim and Aurora stand staring at the door: scarred by Jim’s
many assaults.
Aurora looks through the porthole at the crew inside. She
runs her hands thoughtfully over the door’s dents and gouges.
40.


AURORA
(dreading the answer)
How long have you been awake, Jim?
JIM
A year and three months.
Aurora covers her mouth. Her eyes full of horror.
AURORA
Oh, my God. No.
She turns her back. Suddenly she walks briskly away. And
breaks into a run. Jim watches her go, astonished.
After a moment he runs after her.

HIBERNATION BAY
Aurora runs down a row of hibernation pods, her eyes
searching wildly among the glass tubes. She turns a corner.
Hesitates. Runs down another row. She’s fighting tears.
She puts on speed. Her sash unknots itself and her robe
billows behind her.

IN ANOTHER ROW
Jim jogs along, worried. He’s lost her. He pauses, listening.
In the distance, slippered feet. He runs that way.
He stops: the sash of Aurora’s robe lies on the deck. He
picks it up. Runs on.
JIM
Aurora!
He turns another corner and sees her. She’s sitting down, her
back against a hibernation pod. Laughing at her own tears.
AURORA
I can’t even find the one I’m
supposed to be in.
Jim extends a hand. She lets him pull her to her feet. He
gives her the sash, and she ties her robe around her.
AURORA (CONT’D)
Thanks.
Jim looks back at her, miserable with guilt.
JIM
I shouldn’t have told you like that.
41.


AURORA
No, I’m sorry. It just hit me how
serious this is. How did you wake up?
JIM
I just did. I woke up, my pod dumped
me out, and there I was.
AURORA
Me too. We have to get help.

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Jim and Aurora stand in at a Passenger Communication Station.
Jim swipes his card through the Comm Station’s slot. It
brings up his account information.
JIM
I’ve sent...sixteen messages to
Earth. A bunch to the Homestead
company, one to the Space
Administration, one to the United
Nations. A couple to Homestead II,
just for the hell of it. My phone
bill’s about eighty grand.
AURORA
How soon could we hear something?
JIM
With speed-of-light lag, fifty-six
years. That’ll be from Earth. Nothing
from Homestead II until we’re almost
there anyway. Eighty years or so.
Aurora’s mouth goes dry. She swallows hard.
AURORA
What about the other planets?
JIM
The other occupied worlds are even
farther away. We’d die of old age
before they could answer.
AURORA
What about other ships?
(off Jim’s stare)
Jim?
JIM
(feeling very stupid)
I never thought of other ships.
42.


AURORA
Jim, you’ve had more than a year!
There has to be a flight plan or
something...
They search the Comm Center and find a map table showing the
Excelsior’s position relative to the Occupied Worlds.
Aurora fiddles with the controls. Interstellar flight plans
appear: a spiderweb of starship tracks between the worlds.
AURORA (CONT’D)
There!
They inspect the threads of light - an icon on each thread
representing a starship. Even Jim is excited now.
AURORA (CONT’D)
How do we tell how far away they are?
JIM
The computer knows. Give me a ship.
AURORA
(peering at the star map)
The starship Zephyr.
JIM
Round-trip message lag...ninety-nine
years.
AURORA
The starship Andromeda.
JIM
One hundred thirty-two years.
AURORA
The Maximilian.
JIM
Eighty-one years.
Jim and Aurora deflate visibly.
AURORA
That’s the closest one.

GRAND CONCOURSE - EVENING
The ship’s lights turn the cool blue of evening. Jim and
Aurora walk across the plaza.
43.


AURORA
I know I should be working the
problem right now, but I can barely
keep my eyes open.
JIM
You just came out of hibernation.
It’ll be a couple days before you’re
a hundred percent. You should rest.
AURORA
(yawning)
I think I have to.
JIM
I’ll walk you to your cabin.
AURORA
No, I’m all right.
JIM
Okay.
AURORA
Jim. Don’t look so down. It’s going
to be okay. You’ve got me on the team
now. Chin up, all right?
Jim nods, speechless.
AURORA (CONT’D)
I’m in cabin ninety forty-eight, if
you need me.
Jim watches her walk away.
JIM
I’m in the Berlin Suite if you need
me.
She stops. Turns to look back at him.
AURORA
A year and a half? Must have been
hard.
JIM
It was.
AURORA
Good night, Jim.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Jim sits down at the bar.
44.


JIM
Whiskey. Rocks.
ARTHUR
Sure thing. How’s your day been?
Jim takes a stiff drink.
JIM
Aurora’s awake.
ARTHUR
Congratulations.
(off Jim’s face)
You don’t look happy.
JIM
Arthur. Can you keep a secret?
ARTHUR
I’m a bartender.
JIM
Don’t tell Aurora I woke her up. She
thinks it was an accident. Let me
tell her. Okay?

AURORA’S CABIN - NIGHT
Aurora sleeps, her hair a fan of gold on the pillow.

BERLIN SUITE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim lies awake, fidgeting and staring at the ceiling.

GRAND CONCOURSE - INFOMAT - MORNING
Aurora talks with a relentlessly cheerful Infomat.
She’s wearing her own clothes, and it’s a transformation: she
looks hip and urban, beautiful.
AURORA
How can there be no way to put
someone into hibernation aboard ship?
What if a pod breaks down?
INFOMAT
No pod has malfunctioned in thousands
of interstellar flights.
AURORA
Well, I’m awake.
45.


INFOMAT
Hibernation pods are fail-safe.
Jim appears behind Aurora.
JIM
Good morning. Have you eaten?
AURORA
I’m starving. This is the dumbest
machine.

CAFETERIA
Jim watches in astonishment as Aurora blithely orders the
snacks that the machines deny him. The Mocha Cappuccino
Extreme. The French Breakfast Puff. The Gourmet Fruit Salad.
They sit. Aurora eyes Jim’s tray.
AURORA
You’re a man of simple tastes.
JIM
I’m a silver class passenger. The
French Breakfast Puff is above my pay
grade.
AURORA
Oh, no! All this time? What can I get
you?
JIM
No, I’m fine, really...
AURORA
Shut up. I’ll be right back.
She gets up. In a minute she’s back, setting a tray down in
front of Jim: A western omelette with a side of bacon...a
cafe latte...half a honeydew melon.
Jim shoves his old breakfast aside.
JIM
Thank you.
They dig in.
AURORA
You think the crew members would know
what to do?
JIM
I was hoping so.
46.


AURORA
Could we wake them up if we got in
there?
JIM
(awkwardly)
I’m no expert. But I think so.
AURORA
Maybe there’s another way to go to
sleep. Did you check out the
infirmary?
JIM
I looked around. It’s the usual
hospital stuff. Scanners, autodocs.
AURORA
Did you look for ways of going to
sleep?
JIM
Not really.
AURORA
Well, Jim!
JIM
You think they’ve got suspended
animation pills sitting around?
AURORA
You don’t know until you look. What
about cargo? Maybe there’s a
hibernation machine in the hold.
JIM
I looked at the manifests. It’s
mostly farming stuff, industrial
machines. We’re not going to find a
hibernation facility in a box.
AURORA
You don’t know that! We have to think
big here. Maybe we can build our own
hibernation machine.
JIM
No, we can’t.
AURORA
You’re not even trying!
JIM
I’ve been awake a year and a half.
I’ve tried everything I can think of.
47.


AURORA
(she gets up angrily)
Well, it looks to me like you missed
some possibilities. And I’m not ready
to give up.
She strides out. Jim watches her go. Reaches over and takes
the Gourmet Fruit Salad off her tray.

DECK TWO - LIBRARY - DAY
Aurora sits at a library workstation.
WORKSTATION
No plans are available.
AURORA
What about research articles, any
kind of technical documents?
WORKSTATION
Hibernation technology is
proprietary. The following articles
deal with the subject on a
theoretical level.

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - DAY
Aurora sits at the Passenger Communications Booth.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Planet and connection, please.
AURORA
Earth. The New Yorker magazine,
office of the Editor in Chief.
COMMUNICATIONS BOOTH
Begin message.
AURORA
(into camera)
My name is Aurora Dunn. I’m doing a
long-term piece on the colony worlds.
I know you won’t get this message for
a long time...but you should know I’m
in trouble.

SERVICE DECK - INFIRMARY - DAY
Aurora inspects the gleaming medical equipment. Rummages
through cabinets full of medicines and instruments.
48.


She opens a steel vault. A deep freeze: icy vapor rolls out.
Inside: racks of steel capsules at subzero temperatures.
She leans close: each frosted capsule is labeled with a
passenger’s name and the word SPERM or OVA.

CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY DOOR - EVENING
Aurora frowns through the window at the sleeping crew.
A litter of tools still surrounds the battered door. Aurora
snatches up a crowbar and bashes the porthole. The bar spins
from her stinging hands, but the window’s not even marked.

ELITE DECK - ELITE PROMENADE - EVENING
Jim sits at a table with his tools, struggling with a high-
tech mechanism.
Aurora drops into a chair across from him. He looks up. Takes
in her condition: weary and frustrated.
AURORA
There’s no way we’re going to build a
hibernation machine.
JIM
No.
AURORA
And there’s no magic sleeping drugs
in the infirmary.
JIM
No.
AURORA
I did find the gene bank. Five
thousand sperm and egg samples on
ice. I should be glad they do that.
By the time we get to Homestead II,
that little capsule in the freezer is
going to be all that’s left of me. We
really are screwed, aren’t we?
JIM
Pretty much.

BELLA CANTINA - EVENING
Jim and Aurora sit across a Mexican dinner they’ve already
put a dent in. An electric candle burns between them.
49.


A robot in a sombrero drops off two mojitos and scoots away.
AURORA
So who are you, Jim? I’m going to be
seeing you around. I should know who
I’m talking to.
JIM
I’m from Denver. Lived there all my
life.
AURORA
What kind of work do you do?
JIM
A little of everything. Transport,
robotics, industrial systems. I fix
what’s broken. On the emigration
forms I’m a “rate two” mechanical
engineer. Means I don’t have a Ph.D.
AURORA
Neither do I. But a journalist
doesn’t need one; she just needs a
way with words and an attitude. I’m
from Manhattan, so I had the
attitude.
JIM
I noticed.
AURORA
And the words have always been there
when I needed them.
(she laughs)
I would never have lasted a year with
no one but robots to talk to. They’re
all such idiots!
JIM
Not all of them.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR - NIGHT
Jim leads Aurora up to the Concourse Bar. It appears
deserted. Aurora is all curiosity.
Suddenly Arthur appears, doing his swinging-up-on-hinges
trick. Aurora gives a squeal of surprise.
ARTHUR
Evening, Jim. Who’s the lovely lady?
50.


JIM
Arthur, this is Aurora. Aurora,
Arthur.
ARTHUR
Aurora. A pleasure.
He takes her hand formally.
AURORA
Arthur! Lovely to meet you.
She peeks over the bar at Arthur’s mechanical mounting, the
rails he rolls on.
ARTHUR
What’ll it be?
AURORA
Dirty martini!
(to Jim)
Now this is a robot I can talk to.
JIM
Android, technically.
(to Arthur)
Whiskey and soda.

LATER
Empty glasses show that Jim and Aurora have been doing
yeoman’s work at the bar. Both are tipsy and laughing.
AURORA
(collecting herself)
My God, I almost forgot my life is in
ruins.
That wipes the smile off Jim’s face.
JIM
Sorry.
AURORA
What for? It’s time to sleep. In the
morning we’ll think of something
brilliant.
JIM
All right.
AURORA
Good night, Jim. Good night, Arthur.
She exits.
51.


ARTHUR
Good night.
(to Jim, sotto voce)
She’s wonderful. Excellent choice.
Jim drops his head into his hands.

AURORA’S CABIN - NIGHT
Aurora stows clothing in drawers and closets.
She hangs snapshots on the wall: family and friends. Most of
the pictures were apparently taken at the same grand party.
She looks at them wistfully - and a look of astonishment
crosses her face.
AURORA
Of course!

ELITE DECK - BERLIN SUITE DOOR
Aurora pounds on the door.
AURORA
Jim! Wake up!
The door opens. Jim stands blinking in his bathrobe.
AURORA (CONT’D)
We’ll go home!
JIM
What?
She pulls him down the hall, chattering.
AURORA
It takes too long to get to Homestead
II. But we’re still closer to Earth.
We’ll turn the ship around.

ELEVATOR
Aurora drags Jim in and punches the button.
AURORA
We’ll go home.
JIM
It would take decades.
52.


AURORA
It’s our only chance of getting off
this ship in our lifetimes.

COMMAND DECK
Aurora drags Jim out of the elevator. Looks around.
AURORA
Where’s the...navigating place?
JIM
That way. But...
She drags him toward the Bridge.
AURORA
We can learn how to pilot the ship.
We have all the time in the world.
JIM
There’s just one problem.

COMMAND DECK - BRIDGE DOOR
Aurora opens the Bridge door - revealing the armored firewall
hatch just beyond it.
JIM
Everything important - the reactor,
the gravity drive - it’s all behind
firewalls. There’s no way through.
AURORA
Oh.
JIM
Sorry.
AURORA
(crushed)
That was my last good idea.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Aurora sits curled up in an armchair. Around her, a dizzying
view of the cosmos.
There’s a cup of coffee on a table beside her. In her lap, an
electronic slate with an attached microphone.
AURORA
New file. My Voyage.
53.


A clean page opens on the slate. The title in the corner: “My
Voyage.” As Aurora speaks, the page fills with words.
AURORA (CONT’D)
I boarded the Excelsior on
assignment. Maybe the most ambitious
writing assignment ever given. But
things have taken an unexpected turn.
I’m not writing for The New Yorker
anymore. I’m writing for me.

ELITE DECK - CORRIDOR - DAY
Aurora jogs in sneakers and sweats. Cabin doors flash past.
AURORA (V.O.)
I’ve been awake on this ship for
seven days, awake far too soon...
Dead end. She’s reached the aft end of the ship. She crosses
a lobby and runs back the other way.
AURORA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
...and I might spend the rest of my
life here...
Running along a promenade, Aurora reaches the forward end of
the ship. Dead end again.
AURORA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
...in a little steel world five
hundred meters long.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Jim sits at a table, a technical manual open in front of him.
He looks up. Watches Aurora jog around the atrium and vanish.
AURORA (V.O.)
I’m not alone. Another passenger
shares my fate. A mechanic named Jim
Preston.

SWIMMING POOL - DAY
The swimming pool is a marvel: one entire wall is a window
extending from the ceiling to the bottom of the pool.
Aurora enters in her HomeStead Company bathrobe. Drops the
robe to reveal a bathing suit.
54.


AURORA (V.O.)
The other passengers will sleep for
another ninety years.
She dives into the pool.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim, a lone passenger awake for over a year, meets Aurora, a newly awakened passenger on the deserted spaceship Excelsior. Together, they face the challenges of being the only two conscious individuals, searching for answers and exploring their options for survival or returning to Earth.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited resolution
  • Lack of immediate solutions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotional, and sets up important plot points for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of waking up early from hibernation on a spaceship and the characters' struggle to find a solution is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the characters facing challenges and trying to navigate their situation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi genre by focusing on the psychological and emotional challenges of being stranded in space. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and actions are relatable.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and realizations throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal is to cope with the guilt and loneliness of being awake on the spaceship for over a year. He struggles with the moral dilemma of waking Aurora up and the weight of being the only awake passenger.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to go back into hibernation or find a solution to their predicament of being awake on the spaceship. They explore different options like the infirmary, cargo hold, and crew hibernation facility.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within the characters as they grapple with their situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external obstacles that challenge their goals and beliefs.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face the possibility of being stranded on the ship for the rest of their lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' struggle with the concept of time, mortality, and the unknown future. They grapple with the idea of being stranded in space for decades and the ethical implications of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves to move the story forward and reveal character emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the high stakes of their predicament, and the sense of mystery and suspense surrounding their situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of introspective moments and action sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with well-defined character arcs and a progression of events that build tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping from Jim shaving his beard to Aurora waking up and exploring the ship without a smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora feels forced and lacks depth, making their interactions seem superficial and unconvincing.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and mood that make it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their predicament.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development, with both Jim and Aurora coming across as one-dimensional and lacking complexity.
  • The scene fails to effectively convey the sense of isolation and desperation that the characters should be feeling, making their actions and decisions seem disconnected from their circumstances.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and cohesive narrative arc for the scene, with a central conflict or goal that drives the characters' actions and interactions.
  • Work on improving the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, allowing the characters to express their emotions and motivations more effectively.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more gradual build-up of tension and suspense, leading to a more impactful resolution.
  • Explore the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters to add depth and complexity to their personalities, making them more relatable and compelling to the audience.
  • Enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene to better convey the sense of isolation and desperation that the characters are experiencing, creating a more immersive and emotionally resonant story.



Scene 11 - A Night of Romance on the Starship Excelsior
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - SWIMMING POOL WINDOW
Aurora swims, a slender shape moving on the water’s surface.
We pull out, the ship dwindling, the blue window receding.
AURORA (V.O.)
By the time they wake, Jim and I will
have lived, grown old and died.

INT. FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Back on Aurora in her armchair, writing.
AURORA
Vanished, like a dream, in the blink
of an eye.
She falters, frightened by her own words.

CAFETERIA - DAY
Jim sits eating and tinkering with a small robot. The table
is strewn with dishes and tools.
Aurora sits down across from him.
AURORA
Why did you do it?
Jim is thunderstruck. The game is up. He swallows hard.
JIM
Do what?
AURORA
Emigrate. Leave Earth. I’m
interviewing you.
JIM
You’re what?
AURORA
Interviewing you. You’re the first
victim of hibernation failure in the
history of space travel. That makes
you news.
55.


JIM
Who are you going to tell?
AURORA
Posterity. So why’d you give up your
life on Earth?
Jim seems stunned by the question. He hadn’t thought about it
in quite those words.
AURORA (CONT’D)
A hundred and twenty years’
hibernation means you never see your
family and friends again. You sleep
your way to another planet and
another century. The ultimate
geographical suicide.
JIM
I, uh...I never really...
AURORA
Were you running away from something?
JIM
No. Things were okay.
AURORA
So?
JIM
I just wanted more, I guess. You
know. More room. A fresh start. Back
to basics.
AURORA
(chiding)
That’s HomeStead Company propaganda.
JIM
I guess.
AURORA
Jim!
JIM
I’m a mechanic. A rate-two mechanic.
We’re a dying breed on Earth. But in
the colonies, they still have
problems to solve. My kind of
problems. In the colonies, a handyman
is somebody.
Nothing there for Aurora to scoff at. She looks impressed.
56.


JIM (CONT’D)
And there’s room! Open country. Woods
and fields. I like the outdoors. You
know, room to grow.
AURORA
Now you’re back to advertising.
JIM
Can’t it still be true?

HIBERNATION BAY
Jim and Aurora walk down an aisle of hibernation pods.
AURORA
You know how much the Homestead
Company’s made off its first planet,
Homestead I? Over eight quadrillion
dollars. That’s eight million
billions. Colony planets are the
biggest business there is. Did you
pay full price for your ticket?
JIM
No, I’m in a desirable trade.
AURORA
(triumphantly)
So they fill your head with dreams,
discount your ticket, and you fly off
to populate their planet and pay
HomeStead ten percent of everything
you do for the rest of your life. You
think you’re free? You’re just part
of the business plan.
Jim waves at the rows of sleepers.
JIM
All you see here is five thousand
suckers?
AURORA
I see zeroes on the HomeStead
Company’s bottom line.
JIM
I see five thousand men and women
changing their lives. For five
thousand different reasons. You don’t
know these people.
Jim walks up to a hibernation pod. Glances at the data
screen. He covers the screen with his hand.
57.


JIM (CONT’D)
This guy. Banker, teacher, or
gardener?
Aurora studies the sleeper: a barrel-chested man of 50 with
gray temples and a jutting jaw.
AURORA
Banker.
JIM
Gardener.
Jim moves down the row, peeks at another screen, covers it.
JIM (CONT’D)
Is this Madison, Donna, or Lola?
Aurora peers: a birdlike young woman with long red hair.
AURORA
She’s too silly to be a Donna. I
think she’s a Lola.
JIM
Madison. Chef, accountant, or
midwife?
AURORA
She has to be a midwife. There’s no
way you made that one up.
JIM
(chuckling, caught)
She’s a midwife. I didn’t know they
still had midwives.
They move among the sleepers, quizzing each other.
AURORA
(pointing at a man and
woman side by side)
Married, or strangers?
JIM
Married.
AURORA
(impressed)
Yes.
JIM
(indicating a young woman)
Sixteen, twenty-six, or thirty-six?
58.


AURORA
I’d almost say sixteen...twenty-six.
JIM
Right.
AURORA
(about an older woman)
Politician, historian, or artist?
JIM
I don’t know. Artist?
AURORA
It doesn’t say. But I’ll tell you
this: I like her. We’d be friends.
Jim looks at Aurora seriously.
JIM
You think you can see that?
AURORA
Don’t you?
Jim looks at the woman in the pod. Smiles.
JIM
Yeah.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Jim and Aurora sit at opposite ends of a sofa - their feet
almost but not quite touching. They sip cocktails.
AURORA
That was my plan. Travel to Homestead
II. Live there for a year and see
what emigrating’s really like. Then
back to Earth. I’m the only passenger
on board with a round-trip ticket.
JIM
(perplexed)
I left Earth for a new life. But you
end up back where you started.
AURORA
No! I end up in the future. Two
hundred and fifty years in the
future. On Earth, which is still the
center of civilization, overcrowded
or not. And I arrive in the future
with an amazing story.
(MORE)
59.
AURORA (CONT'D)
A perspective no other writer has.
Literary immortality.
JIM
And what’s this amazing story?
AURORA
The selling of the colonial dream.
JIM
Big plans.
AURORA
My friends threw me this huge
farewell party. Everyone came. It was
the happiest, saddest night. And look
what it’s all come to.
(she sighs)
Jim, I can’t think of anything else
to try. To save us, I mean. I don’t
even want to think about it anymore.
So. What is there to do around here?

MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Jim leads Aurora into the movie theater. The lights come up.
The curtain opens. Aurora looks around in wonder.
A bundle of cables snakes down the aisle.
JIM
Watch your step. I’ve made a few
changes.
Next to Jim’s favorite seat there’s a cluster of machines
with power cables and hoses running to them.
Jim and Aurora sit. A screen beside Jim lists movies.
JIM (CONT’D)
I got tired of running up to the
projector room, so I moved the
controls down here. Thirty thousand
movies to choose from. I’ve only
watched about five hundred of them.
He taps a button on another machine, which produces a bucket
of hot popcorn. He offers Aurora some.
JIM (CONT’D)
Popcorn?
Aurora grins and takes some.
60.



GYMNASIUM - BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Jim and Aurora play one-on-one. She’s not especially good,
but fiercely competitive. They jostle and scramble, laughing.
Aurora snags the ball. For a minute she just stands there,
beaming.
JIM
What are you so happy about?
AURORA
I’m up two points!
She cuts around him toward the basket.

DECK TWO - VIRTUAL MUSEUM - EVENING
Jim and Aurora walk through the museum’s white rooms. The
walls display a Jackson Pollock collection.
Aurora goes to the control podium. Scrolls through the menu,
covers her eyes and chooses blind.
The wall panels fill with Heironymous Bosch paintings -
medieval visions of Hell. She winces and chooses again. A
somber collection of portraits by Dutch masters. She frowns.
Jim steps to her side and makes a selection.
The walls fill with abstract landscapes - stark plains and
oceans, with lonely figures isolated in the vastness.
The images pull Jim and Aurora in: they stand before a dark
seascape.
Without thinking she reaches out and tucks her hand in the
crook of his elbow.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER

SWIMMING POOL - MORNING
Aurora swims laps, cutting through the water.
In the balcony above the pool, Jim stands watching her.
Aurora, making a turn at the end of a lap, catches a glimpse
of him but doesn’t let on.
Underwater she smiles.
61.



DECK THREE - SHOPPING DISTRICT - MORNING
A cleaning robot scurries along the shopping street, looking
for spots to polish.
Jim’s hands reach into frame, pluck the robot off its wheels.

DECK NINE - NUMBER NINE PROMENADE
Aurora stands at the railing, watching curiously as Jim
crosses the Concourse below with the robot under his arm.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP - DAY
Jim stands at a workbench, the robot in front of him. He
tinkers with its complex works.

GRAND CONCOURSE - DAY
Jim sits in an armchair with his industrial laptop. He types
a string of commands, hits EXECUTE.
Beside him on the floor, his kidnapped cleaning robot does a
figure-eight. Jim smiles in satisfaction.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Aurora sits in her habitual writing position: cross-legged on
her favorite sofa, her writing slate in her lap.
AURORA
The starship’s designers gave the
ship a daily rhythm. The light is
warm in the morning, bright during
the day, cool at night. We need those
changes. But I miss other rhythms.
There are no holidays here. Every day
is a day of leisure. There are no
seasons. The sky never changes.
A mechanical whir distracts her. She looks down.
Jim’s pet robot looks up at her with binocular eyes. It
carries a note in a clip on its back. Aurora pulls it free.
A handwritten invitation from Jim. It reads:

Come to dinner with me tonight?

- Jim
Aurora reads the note with a grin.
62.


AURORA (CONT’D)
(to the robot)
Is he asking me on a date?

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim sits at his laptop, watching the screen: a robot’s-eye-
view of Aurora.
He wiggles a joystick on his laptop, and...

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
...the robot nods its goggle head.
Aurora laughs.
Beside the note-clip, the robot carries a pen in a makeshift
holder. Aurora takes the pen, scribbles on the paper. Tucks
it back into the robot’s note clip.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Arthur polishes glasses behind the bar.
The robot crosses the Concourse, note clipped to its back.
Arthur watches it pass.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim plucks the note from the robot’s back. Aurora’s reply is
written in bold letters:
Love to.
-A

AURORA’S CABIN - EVENING
Aurora gets ready for dinner. A slim gown, a few pieces of
jewelry, her hair up. She looks like a goddess.
The doorbell rings. She answers it.
Jim stands on her doorstep in a black jacket, looking dapper.
His eyes widen as he takes Aurora in.
JIM
Wow.
63.


AURORA
You clean up all right yourself. You
went shopping.
JIM
I went shoplifting.
In the corridor stands a cargo robot to which Jim has
attached an upholstered loveseat. He helps Aurora aboard and
takes a seat beside her. She’s charmed.
JIM (CONT’D)
Rutherford! To the bar!
CARGO ROBOT
Yes, Passenger Jim!
The robot zooms off to the sound of Aurora’s laughter.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Jim and Aurora take seats. Arthur puts on his best manners.
ARTHUR
Evening. What can I get for you?
AURORA
A manhattan, please.
JIM
Single malt, rocks.
Arthur pours.
ARTHUR
You two look fine this evening.
AURORA
(confidentially)
We’re on a date!
ARTHUR
Very nice.
AURORA
(to Jim, teasing)
Took you long enough to ask.
JIM
I was giving you space!
AURORA
Space is one thing I don’t need more
of. I’ve been doing research.
(MORE)
64.
AURORA (CONT'D)
I found a drug that would put us in a
coma indefinitely, and machines that
would keep us alive.
JIM
Really?!
AURORA
But it’s not suspended animation.
We’d still be aging.
JIM
Oh.
AURORA
Yeah. If I have to grow old on this
ship, I’d at least like to be awake
for it. So that was a failure.
JIM
A highly ambitious failure.
AURORA
There’s the title of my memoir. “A
Highly Ambitious Failure,” by Aurora
Dunn.
Jim laughs. He thinks for a minute.
JIM
“Voyage to Nowhere,” by Jim Preston.
AURORA
(laughing)
“My Life in a Tin Can.”
JIM
“A Spaceship Built For Two.”

THE STARDOME - XANADU
A great glass dome, the highest point on the ship. Outside
the dome, a riot of stars. Inside, a luxury restaurant.
Jim and Aurora emerge into the dome.
She turns, looking at the glittering river of the Milky Way,
the blue stars ahead of the ship, the pink stars behind them.
AURORA
Incredible.
They sit at the best table. Robots attend to their every
need. The blue stars frame Jim’s head; the pink, Aurora’s.
Beautiful dishes arrive: new wines with every course.
65.



NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
A holographic 12-piece band plays on stage: a jazz standard.
Jim walks onto the dance floor. Holds out his hand to Aurora.
She comes to him, and they dance. They’re pretty good. Smiles
grow on their faces.
Jim spins her out, spins her back - close enough to kiss.
They almost do - but they don’t.

DECK THREE - SHOPPING DISTRICT - NIGHT
Jim and Aurora ride along on the cargo robot. Her head rests
on his shoulder. Suddenly she sits up.
AURORA
Rutherford, stop!
The robot stops. She pulls Jim off.
AURORA (CONT’D)
Come on, we have to do this!
She pulls him to the photo booth. They tumble inside. As the
strobe flashes, she kisses him hard.
Outside, the photo strip drops into the tray: four color
pictures. In the first they laugh; in the second they clown;
in the third, they kiss. In the last image, Aurora smiles at
the camera; Jim looks at Aurora.
Aurora taps the pictures: they start to move: each is a one-
second movie clip. The pictures laugh, and clown, and kiss.

DECK NINE - CORRIDOR - OUTSIDE AURORA’S CABIN
The robot pulls up to Aurora’s door. Jim helps her down.
Aurora opens the door. Turns back to him.
AURORA
Thank you. I had an amazing time. A
great night.
JIM
Yeah, me too. Well, good night.
He turns to go.
AURORA
Jim.
He turns back. Aurora grabs him and drags him into her cabin.
66.



AURORA’S CABIN
They stagger across the room together. He backs her up
against a wall, kisses his way down her throat.
She drags his jacket off his shoulders. Pulls at his shirt.
He slips the straps from her shoulders. Her dress slides to
the floor. They roll onto the bed.

CAFETERIA - MORNING
Breakfast. Jim watches Aurora eat.
AURORA
This is so good. I’m starving.
(she smiles at him)
Last night was just what I needed.
JIM
You are the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever seen. You’re so beautiful it
hurts me.
She stares, shocked. Leans across the table and kisses him.
Soon they’re making out right on top of breakfast.
A passing robot pauses to observe the scene - then moves on.

SERIES OF SHOTS
1. Jim and Aurora make out fiercely in the movie theater
while a movie plays onscreen.
2. Aurora straddles Jim in a jacuzzi in the ship’s Spa. She
moves against him: she’s close. She climaxes gorgeously.
3. Jim stands on a promenade. Aurora passes, jogging. He
gives her a smile as she goes by. A moment later she runs
back into frame and tackles him. They tumble to the deck.

BERLIN SUITE
Jim and Aurora lie in Jim’s imperial bed, glistening with
sweat and breathing hard. She lays her head on his shoulder,
her eyes far away and wistful.
JIM
You okay?
AURORA
Yes, I’m fine. It’s just...
67.


She waves her hand in the air as if to signify, all of this.
JIM
I know.
She snuggles in tighter, and he holds her close.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary Aurora and Jim share a romantic and intimate evening together on the starship Excelsior, starting with a fancy dinner at the Stardome, dancing in a nightclub, and ending with a passionate encounter in Aurora's cabin. The next morning, they have breakfast together in the cafeteria, deepening their connection and sharing moments of closeness and vulnerability.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotionally resonant moments
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Unique sci-fi setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some scenes may be overly romanticized

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, emotionally resonant, and well-paced, with a strong focus on character development and relationship building.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of two characters waking up alone on a spaceship, forming a deep connection, and exploring their predicament is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is character-driven, focusing on the evolving relationship between Jim and Aurora, their emotional journey, and their attempts to navigate their situation.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its exploration of futuristic themes, complex character dynamics, and philosophical conflicts. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are driven by internal motivations and desires.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jim and Aurora are well-developed, complex characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jim and Aurora undergo emotional growth and transformation throughout the scene, deepening their connection and understanding of themselves.

Internal Goal: 8

Aurora's internal goal is to find purpose and meaning in her life on the starship. She struggles with feelings of loneliness, boredom, and a desire for connection and fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the reasons behind Jim's decision to emigrate and leave Earth. This goal reflects her curiosity, journalistic instincts, and desire to understand the people around her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on the characters' internal struggles and relationship dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Aurora challenging Jim's decisions and motivations, but ultimately leading to a deeper understanding and connection between the characters.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not life-threatening, the emotional stakes for Jim and Aurora in terms of their connection, self-discovery, and future decisions are high.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Jim and Aurora, revealing more about their pasts, and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and plot developments, but the emotional depth and philosophical conflict add layers of complexity and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of freedom, choice, and the impact of societal expectations on individual decisions. Aurora challenges Jim's reasons for emigrating and questions the true motivations behind his choice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the romantic and intimate moments between Jim and Aurora, as well as in their reflections on their situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' thoughts and emotions. It enhances the relationship dynamics between Jim and Aurora.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of emotional depth, philosophical conflict, and character-driven dialogue. The interactions between Aurora and Jim create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in their relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, emotional depth, and character interactions that keep the story moving forward and the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance the reader's understanding of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs, dialogue-driven interactions, and a gradual build-up of tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between different locations and moments quite abruptly, which can make it feel disjointed and disconnected.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora feels a bit forced and expository, lacking a natural flow and authenticity.
  • The romantic development between Jim and Aurora feels rushed and lacks depth, making their intimate moments seem superficial.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore the complex moral and existential dilemmas faced by the characters.
  • The visual descriptions are limited, missing opportunities to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to allow for smoother transitions between locations and moments, creating a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Focus on developing more natural and organic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and emotions authentically.
  • Take the time to build a more gradual and nuanced romantic relationship between Jim and Aurora, allowing for deeper emotional connections to form.
  • Delve deeper into the moral and existential themes of the story, exploring the characters' inner conflicts and dilemmas with more depth and complexity.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a more vivid and immersive picture of the settings, creating a more engaging and atmospheric scene.



Scene 12 - Restless Hearts
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - BERLIN SUITE WINDOW
Through the window, Jim and Aurora lie together in the
luxurious bed.
We pull out, the window dwindling, as the Excelsior soars
away from us into the stars.
FADE TO BLACK.
SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER

ELITE DECK - CORRIDOR - MORNING
A luxury cabin door: the doorplate reads “Vienna Suite.”

VIENNA SUITE - BEDROOM
The best suite on the ship. One one side of the bedroom,
Aurora’s mementos and possessions. On the other side, Jim’s.
They wake together. She kisses him on the cheek with the ease
of long habit and heads for the shower. He watches her go.

SWIMMING POOL - MORNING
Swimming, Aurora reaches the end of a lap. A hand reaches
down and catches her before she can turn.
Jim kneels at the edge of the pool, in coveralls and work
boots, a tool belt slung over his shoulder.
Aurora pulls herself up and kisses him.
JIM
I’m going to finish my survey of the
cargo hold. See what there is to play
with.
AURORA
Be careful.
JIM
Back by happy hour.
68.



FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Aurora writes on her sofa, surrounded by electronic slates,
each displaying a reference book or research paper. On one, a
map of the Polynesian archipelago.
AURORA
The Polynesians set out into the
Pacific Ocean with no destination.
Searching for islands. They sailed
into the endless sea on faith.

SUBDECK A - NUMBER EIGHT CARGO HOLD - DAY
Jim walks among the towering cargo racks. His flashlight
illuminates machines stacked from floor to ceiling: tractors
and combines, helicopters and seaplanes.
AURORA (V.O.)
Some never returned, but others found
land, and prospered. What drove them
out onto the sea? Curiosity?
Tradition? The wish for something
better?
Jim opens cargo containers. He finds ingots of metal,
computer components, spools of superconducting wire. Raw
materials for a young world.
AURORA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The urge to move is as primal as
hunger or thirst. We run, we drive,
we sail, we fly.
Jim finds a stash of utility golf carts and his eyes light
up. He unpacks one, starts it up. Drives off into the dark.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR - DAY
Aurora sits at the bar with her slate, sipping a drink.
AURORA
Is it movement that we need? Or the
possibility of something new?
ARTHUR
What’s that?
AURORA
I’m writing, Arthur. Hush.
Aurora’s slate has recorded this exchange: she erases the
extra words with her fingertip.
69.



SUBDECK A - NUMBER SEVEN CARGO BAY
Jim drives his cart into a new bay - and stares in wonder.
In oversized hibernation pods: cattle, horses, sheep, oxen.
All asleep. Chickens, ducks and geese in individual cells.
AURORA (V.O.)
Like seeds, we carry what we need.
The wind drives us - whether the
trade winds, the solar winds, or the
winds of chance.
The next aisle holds plants in stasis: saplings in tubes,
seedlings in individual vials.
Jim stops in front of a glass case. Rosy light bathes his
face. He smiles. We don’t see why.
AURORA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We take root where we fall. And
helplessly we grow.

VIENNA SUITE - BEDROOM - EVENING
Aurora sits with her slate. Eyeing Jim’s side of the room.
Giving in, she begins to explore Jim’s possessions: poking
into the drawers of his nightstand and dresser.
She opens his closet. Shifting things, she finds a dog-eared
manual on hibernation pods. She pulls it out.
There’s a bookmark in the pages. She goes to open the book -
and the bookmark slides into her hand.
It’s the photo strip Jim took during his isolation: Four
identical shots of his face, bearded and hollow-eyed. The
melancholy images hit her hard.
She touches the pictures to make them move: but Jim sits
immobile. In the fourth image, he sighs heavily.
Voices in the hall.
CLEANING ROBOT (O.S.)
Hello, Passenger.
JIM (O.S.)
Hello, robot.
Hastily Aurora replaces the manual. Closes the closet.
Jim appears in the doorway: tool belt over his shoulder,
duffel bag in hand.
70.


AURORA
Hi.
JIM
Hi. How was your day?
AURORA
I don’t know. I wrote a few pages.
I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.
I was writing a book, and I was
keeping a diary. But the book and the
diary are running together. I think
I’m writing about us.
JIM
Makes sense to me.
AURORA
I’m not sure I want to write about
this life. I don’t even know how to
think about it. I live in a palace.
But it’s also a prison. I’m moving at
half the speed of light and I can’t
go anywhere!
Jim takes that in.
JIM
The cargo hold is full of pioneer
gear. There’s a submarine down there,
can you believe it? Ships and
airplanes and bulldozers. That’s what
I wanted, a world still being built.
But I’ll never see it.
They sit for a moment in glum contemplation.
AURORA
Did you find anything that could help
us?
JIM
Yes. I found these.
Jim unzips his duffel bag and takes out a bouquet of long-
stemmed roses. Aurora gasps. Reaches out to touch them.
AURORA
Are they real?
JIM
I cut them myself.
Aurora leaps into action. She finds scissors, a pitcher. At
the sink she trims the stems, arranges the flowers.
71.


AURORA
Thank you.
JIM
You’re welcome.
She looks into his eyes.
AURORA
For very unlucky people, we got
pretty lucky.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Adventure"]

Summary Jim and Aurora, a couple living on the Excelsior starship, are struggling with feelings of restlessness and confinement. Jim is frustrated that he will never see the world that is being built in the cargo hold, and Aurora is struggling to write about her life on the starship. However, they are able to find solace in each other and in the simple act of giving each other flowers.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of unique concepts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some pacing issues in introspective moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of exploration, romance, and introspection, creating a rich and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two characters waking up alone on a spaceship and exploring their surroundings while forming a deep connection is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' exploration of the ship and their growing relationship, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh ideas and perspectives on the themes of confinement, exploration, and self-discovery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jim and Aurora are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations, making their interactions compelling and believable.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jim and Aurora undergo emotional growth and bonding, deepening their characters and relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with their feelings of confinement and lack of control over their own lives. They grapple with the realization that they are living in a gilded cage, despite the luxury surrounding them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a sense of purpose and meaning in their confined environment. They seek out new experiences and opportunities for exploration within the limited space of the starship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict and existential questioning, the scene focuses more on exploration and relationship-building.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external challenges that test their beliefs and values. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate their conflicting desires and goals.

High Stakes: 5

While the characters face personal challenges and uncertainties, the immediate stakes are not extremely high in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Jim and Aurora and setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting emotions and conflicting desires. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the characters' internal struggles and external challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of freedom, exploration, and the search for meaning. The characters question the nature of their existence and grapple with the limitations imposed on them by their circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from loneliness and longing to hope and connection, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is meaningful and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' emotional states and philosophical ponderings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its introspective dialogue, emotional depth, and philosophical conflicts. The characters' struggles and desires resonate with the audience, drawing them into the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing the characters' emotional arcs to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the scene enhances the audience's understanding of the characters' internal struggles and external goals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-paced and engaging, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' internal struggles and external goals. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with multiple locations and activities that don't contribute significantly to the overall story or character development.
  • The transition between the different locations feels disjointed and abrupt, making it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to capture the complexity of their relationship and the challenges they face.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but don't always serve a narrative purpose, leading to a lack of focus and cohesion in the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with little sense of urgency or tension to drive the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the scene to highlight the key moments of character development and plot progression.
  • Consider consolidating the various locations and activities into a more cohesive narrative arc that builds towards a significant turning point or revelation.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jim and Aurora to deepen their emotional connection and explore the complexities of their situation more effectively.
  • Introduce more conflict and tension to create a sense of stakes and urgency that drives the characters towards their goals.
  • Revisit the visual descriptions to ensure they serve a narrative purpose and enhance the overall storytelling rather than simply providing surface-level details.



Scene 13 - Aurora's Rejection
INT. ELITE DECK - CORRIDOR - DAY
Jim and Aurora sprint down the hall, cabin doors flashing by.
Jim’s practically dragging her along.
A deep background RUMBLE.
JIM
It’s coming! Run!

CELESTIAL PROMENADE
Jim and Aurora run up the stairs onto the highest promenade
on the ship: glass all around, skylight above.
The deep RUMBLE is louder. A bloody light fills the sky.
A STAR looms ahead of the ship: a RED GIANT. The Excelsior
rockets toward the star.
The passage takes less than a minute. The Red Giant swells in
the windows. The ship shudders. The engines howl. Aurora
falls into Jim’s arms. The ship bathed in red light.
The star fills the skylight, fills the sky itself. A fiery
surface turbulent with sunspots and mysterious currents. The
engines howl.
And then they’re past. The star recedes, dwindling as quickly
as it grew. The engines quiet. The ship’s calm restored.
AURORA
(breathlessly)
That was incredible.
JIM
Closest we’ll get to a star on the
whole trip. Happy birthday.
72.


She throws her arms around him.

VIENNA SUITE - BEDROOM - EVENING
Aurora stands in her bathroom, getting pretty for dinner.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim puts the finishing touches on a beautiful RING woven from
gold and silver wire. It’s crowned with a flower of gold.
He removes the ring from its clamp: inspects it thoroughly.
Satisfied, he wraps it in a cloth and tucks it in his pocket.

STARDOME - XANADU - EVENING
Jim and Aurora dine. They laugh and flirt with easy intimacy.
Their plates emptied, they sit back, sipping wine. Jim lifts
the table’s candle and waves it in the air. A robot rolls up
with a birthday cake, candles alight.
JIM
(singing)
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday, dear Aurora...
Happy Birthday to you.
Aurora sits bathed in candlelight, and for this moment she is
truly and fundamentally happy. She blows the candles out.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR - NIGHT
Jim and Aurora sit at the bar, tipsy. Arthur pours.
ARTHUR
Birthday cocktail for the birthday
girl.
AURORA
Aren’t you going to check my I.D.? I
might not be old enough to drink.
ARTHUR
I’d never ask your age in front of a
gentleman.
AURORA
Jim’s not a gentleman. Anyway there’s
no secrets between me and Jim.
73.


ARTHUR
(looking at Jim)
Is that so?
JIM
You heard the lady. Be right back.
He walks away.
AURORA
You know what I like about you,
Arthur? You have a sense of occasion.
I bet ladies fall for you on every
trip.
ARTHUR
I’d say you were pulling my leg, but
I haven’t got any.
AURORA
(laughing)
Exactly! There you go.
ARTHUR
I remember your last birthday, a year
ago. Jim was really looking forward
to meeting you.
Aurora frowns, processing this sentence - her smile fading.
AURORA
What?

MEN’S WASHROOM
Jim stands at the mirror, straightening his lapels, touching
up his hair.
He unwraps the ring. Looks it over. Smiles at his reflection.

CONCOURSE BAR
Aurora scowls at Arthur, trying to get her bearings.
AURORA
What do you mean, he was looking
forward to it? How could he...
ARTHUR
He couldn’t stop talking about you,
let me tell you. He spent months
deciding whether to wake you up.
Aurora eyes widen in shock.
74.


AURORA
Jim woke me up.
ARTHUR
Oh, yes. Said it was the hardest
decision of his life, but I see it
worked out just fine.
Aurora stops breathing. She stares at the bartop.
Jim strolls up to the bar. His hand slides into the jacket
pocket where the ring lies hidden.
But Aurora’s body language is all wrong. He stops, perplexed.
JIM
What?
She looks up, her face rigid. Her voice a whisper.
AURORA
Did you wake me up, Jim?
Jim’s hand slides out of his jacket pocket. He shoots a look
at Arthur, who smiles back, oblivious.
Aurora’s eyes bore into him. Finally Jim finds his voice.
JIM
Yes. I woke you up.
AURORA
(in agony)
How could you do it?
JIM
I tried not to.
AURORA
You pulled me out of hibernation. You
destroyed the rest of my life. You
murdered me!
JIM
That’s a little strong...
AURORA
You murdered me. I’m going to be
sick. Oh, my God. I...I can’t see.
She gets up to leave.
JIM
Aurora.
He goes after her.
75.


AURORA
Get away from me!
She slaps at him blindly, almost hysterical. Stumbles away.

SERVICE DECK - CELESTIAL PROMENADE
Aurora stares out at the stars. Jim appears behind her.
She speaks without turning.
AURORA
(bitterly)
How did you decide?
(turning on him)
Did you just go shopping? A couple
thousand women in their underwear,
and you get to pick your favorite.
JIM
It wasn’t like that.
AURORA
What was it like? And you had it all
planned out! Dinner and movies and
our big date...Oh, my God! And I just
ate it up. Fake! All fake!
JIM
This was real. I didn’t plan this.
It...happened.
AURORA
(mocking)
“Find true love on the Starship
Excelsior! Romance between the Stars!
The woman of your dreams!” Was it
everything you thought it would be?
JIM
Aurora. I love you.
AURORA
This is sick.
(she glares at him)
Show me how you did it.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD
Aurora walks up to her old hibernation pod. Jim trails her.
AURORA
So?
76.


Jim stares at her, unbelieving. But she means it. He opens
the cover panel, points out the key components.
JIM
I looked at my pod. A couple
different processors burned out at
the same time. I triggered the same
failure in your pod. Short circuit
across these two contacts, and then
these two. And cut these wires.
AURORA
Just like that.
JIM
Just like that.
AURORA
I’m so stupid. I fell for all of it.
I fell for you. I thought you saved
me. But you didn’t save me, Jim. You
did this to me. And now I’m stuck
with you. Stuck with the second-rate
mechanic who ruined my life.
JIM
(lamely)
Rate two mechanic.
But Aurora’s already walking away.

VIENNA SUITE - DAY
Aurora walks in, barely under control, and breaks down. Sinks
to her knees, racked by sobs.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD - DAY
Jim sits at the foot of Aurora’s hibernation pod, staring
into the empty tube.

VIENNA SUITE - EVENING
Jim walks in. All of Aurora’s things are gone. Her half of
the bed has been made. She’s moved out.

DECK THREE - CAFETERIA - MORNING
Aurora sits finishing her breakfast. Jim enters and
approaches her table.
77.


JIM
Can I talk to you?
AURORA
I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t
want to look at you anymore. If you
see me coming, get out of my way. If
you see me sitting, find somewhere
else to be. There’s plenty of
choices. It’s a big boat.

DECK FOUR - SHOPPING DISTRICT - DAY
Jim walks alone, hands in his pockets, in a deep funk.
A little robot crosses his path: he KICKS it down the street.

SWIMMING POOL
Aurora swims. Reaches the end of a lap and rests.
She looks up abruptly as if she senses someone watching her -
but the balcony above the pool is deserted.

ELITE DECK - FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Aurora sits reading. Digital slates surround her. A whir
distracts her. She looks down.
Jim’s pet robot sits beside her. A note on its back.
She picks up the note. It’s the photo strip from her first
date with Jim: their first kiss captured on film. Clipped to
the photo strip is a handwritten note: “This was real.”
Aurora leans down toward the robot’s binocular eyes.

ROBOT’S POV
Aurora looms close. She holds the note up to the robot’s eyes
and crumples it up.
AURORA
Watching me through a robot is
creepy, Jim. Cut it out.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim sits in front of his laptop: Aurora’s accusing eyes stare
out of the screen. He closes the laptop.
78.



COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - DAY
Jim sits at the security console, disheveled and bearded.
Twenty screens give different views of the ship.
One screen shows the Elite Promenade. As he watches, Aurora
jogs by in sneakers and shorts.
Jim has her route mapped: as she vanishes from one screen she
appears on the next. He follows her from screen to screen.
He picks up a microphone.

ELITE DECK
Aurora circles the atrium.
OVER THE P.A. SYSTEM: Jim clears his throat.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM)
Aurora.
Aurora stops in surprise, looking up.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM) (CONT’D)
Please, just hear me.
Aurora rolls her eyes and resumes running.

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Jim watches Aurora move from screen to screen. He holds the
mic in both hands. His voice reverberates through the ship.
JIM
The day I first saw you, my life
changed. I couldn’t forget your face.
I kept coming back to see you. Trying
to know you through the glass. I read
every word you ever wrote, trying to
hear you. The day you woke up...

DECK NINE - NUMBER NINE PROMENADE
Aurora doesn’t break stride. But she’s listening.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM)
When you woke up I had no idea what
would happen next. I had no reason to
believe you would see anything in me.
When you did, when we found each
other, this ship I’m trapped inside
suddenly felt like a limitless place.
(MORE)
79.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM) (CONT'D)
My pointless life suddenly had
meaning.
Aurora skids to a stop beside a Deck Steward’s station.
She leans over the counter, finds an intercom terminal and
grabs the microphone. A whine of feedback. She looks into the
lens of the nearest security camera.
AURORA
That’s great, Jim. Just great. I’m
glad that ruining my life somehow
improved yours. But I have a run to
finish, so...

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Arthur looks up, listening, as voices echo through the ship.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM)
Wait. Aurora. Don’t go.
AURORA (VIA INTERCOM)
You may be the only game in town,
Jim, but that doesn’t mean I have to
play. Just pretend I’m not here.
Because as far as you’re concerned,
I’m not.

DECK NINE - NUMBER NINE PROMENADE
At the Deck Steward’s station, Aurora stares into the camera.
JIM (VIA INTERCOM)
I don’t want to lose you.

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Jim stares at Aurora on the video screen.
AURORA (VIA INTERCOM)
Jim, you lost me.
She drops the microphone and walks out of frame. Jim slumps
over the console in defeat.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER

ELITE DECK - VIENNA SUITE - BEDROOM (DAY)
Jim lies asleep on his bed in dirty clothes and shoes. He has
a shaggy beard.
80.


Half-finished dishes in bed with him. The suite is squalid.

ELITE DECK - CAFE MAXINE
The ship’s posh French cafe.
Aurora eats a fancy lunch, reading a novel on a digital
slate. She’s groomed and put together.

DECK THREE - CAFETERIA
Jim sits in front of a bowl of breakfast cereal, a dry slice
of toast. He stares into space. He has milk in his beard.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Aurora sits in her writing chair, dictating to her slate.
AURORA
It’s the modern way of life. We
surround ourselves with people. A
constant din of conversation. As if
we need the mirror of other faces to
see ourselves. The clamor of voices
in our ears to reassure us that we
exist. Do we need it? Can we live
without it?

VIENNA SUITE - DAY
The TV blares. Jim lies asleep in an armchair, covered with
snack chips.
AURORA (V.O.)
I think the secret to survival is
productive activity.

SHOPPING DISTRICT - CRAFT SHOP - DAY
Aurora investigates the craft shop’s shelves. Collects an
electronic book on painting. Paints and canvasses. An easel.
AURORA (V.O.)
We need to be good for something.

VIENNA SUITE - BATHROOM - DAY
Jim lounges in the bathtub in his bathrobe: sopping wet and
drunk. Gold glitters in his hand: the RING he made for
Aurora. He scowls at the ring.
81.


AURORA (V.O.)
A challenge equal to our character.
With a snarl, Jim tosses the ring into his mouth. Chases it
with a slug of vodka straight from the bottle. Swallows hard.

SERVICE DECK - CELESTIAL PROMENADE
Aurora stands in front of her easel on the promenade. She
looks out the window and begins to paint.
AURORA (V.O.)
Something worth doing.

SHOPPING DISTRICT - AVENUE
Jim plays kick-the-can with the empty vodka bottle. Drunk.
The bottle clatters against the PHOTO BOOTH.
Muttering in Russian, Jim attacks the booth, punching and
kicking - and hurts his foot with a shout. He limps away.
A moment later he’s back - wearing his tool belt. He pulls a
LASER CUTTER and starts carving the booth away from the wall.

SHOPPING DISTRICT - LATER
Jim drives his golf cart unsteadily across the deck.
A HORRIBLE NOISE: he’s dragging the photo booth across the
floor by its power cord.

STARBOARD E.V.A. ROOM
Jim looks into the airlock through the small porthole in the
inner door. Red lights flash.
The photo booth is crammed into the airlock.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary A year after awakening Aurora from hibernation, Jim surprises her with a birthday celebration. Aurora discovers Jim's true intentions and rejects him, leading to Jim's spiral into depression and heartbreak. Aurora focuses on her well-being while Jim becomes obsessed with winning her back, ultimately failing and ending in defeat.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Exploration of moral dilemmas
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive actions and internal monologues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys intense emotions, explores complex moral dilemmas, and advances the plot significantly. The dialogue is impactful and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of waking someone up from hibernation against their will, the exploration of guilt and regret, and the consequences of impulsive actions are well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters' relationship reaches a breaking point, leading to a major conflict and emotional turmoil. The scene sets up important developments for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and thought-provoking themes of trust, betrayal, and the search for meaning in a confined space setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotional depth, conflicting motivations, and evolving relationship dynamics are central to the scene. Their actions and reactions drive the conflict and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jim and Aurora undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, particularly in their relationship dynamics and personal growth. Their actions and decisions reflect their internal struggles and evolving perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

Aurora's internal goal is to come to terms with the betrayal and deception she has experienced from Jim. She is grappling with feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal, and is trying to find a way to move forward.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront Jim about his actions and make a decision about their relationship. She is also trying to find a sense of purpose and meaning in her life on the spaceship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jim and Aurora reaches a peak, leading to intense emotional confrontations and a significant shift in their relationship. The internal and external conflicts drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Aurora confronting Jim about his actions and challenging his motivations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their conflict, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face emotional turmoil, betrayal, and the consequences of impulsive actions. The decisions made have long-lasting implications for their relationship and the overall story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing major conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up important developments for the plot. It advances the narrative and sets the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue, as well as the moral ambiguity of their decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, deception, and the nature of relationships. Aurora is questioning the authenticity of her connection with Jim and grappling with the idea of true love in a confined and artificial environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the characters and the audience, particularly through themes of betrayal, regret, and desperation. The intense emotional turmoil and confrontations make a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, inner turmoil, and conflicting perspectives. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the high stakes of their decisions, and the visually stunning setting of the spaceship traveling towards a red giant star.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, emotional intensity, and character development. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and emotional beats. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a high-intensity moment of Jim and Aurora sprinting down the hall, but the transition to the Celestial Promenade feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow.
  • The description of the Red Giant star and the ship rocketing towards it is visually striking, but the emotional impact of the moment could be enhanced with more internal thoughts or dialogue from Jim and Aurora.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora after the star encounter feels a bit forced and lacks depth, especially considering the significant event they just experienced.
  • The revelation of Jim waking Aurora up from hibernation is a major plot twist, but the emotional impact of Aurora's reaction could be heightened with more nuanced dialogue and character development.
  • The scene transitions between different locations and time periods are a bit disjointed and could benefit from smoother transitions to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jim and Aurora during the intense moments to deepen the audience's connection with the characters.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Jim and Aurora to make their interactions more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Focus on creating smoother transitions between different locations and time periods to improve the overall pacing and coherence of the scene.
  • Explore ways to build up the tension and emotional impact of the major plot twist involving Jim waking Aurora up from hibernation to create a more impactful and engaging moment.
  • Consider revisiting the structure of the scene to ensure a more seamless flow and better integration of the various elements and character dynamics.



Scene 14 - A Chance Encounter
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - AIRLOCK
The airlock shoots open. The photo booth tumbles into space.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR - EVENING
Arthur does make-work behind the bar.
Jim and Aurora approach simultaneously. They meet awkwardly:
they haven’t spoken in a long time.
82.


AURORA
What are you doing here?
JIM
(drunk)
You! Tuesday’s my day with Arthur.
You’re trespassing.
ARTHUR
Actually, today’s Wednesday.
JIM
I slept through Tuesday?
AURORA
Forget it. The bar’s all yours. But
I’d say a drink is the last thing you
need. You’re pathetic.
Aurora leaves. Jim takes a seat.
ARTHUR
What’ll it be?
JIM
I’m going to kill myself.
ARTHUR
Why’s that?
JIM
I’m a murderer.
ARTHUR
Who’d you murder?
JIM
Aurora.
ARTHUR
But she’s alive. She was just here.
JIM
She won’t talk to me. She won’t let
me tell her what happened. How I fell
in love with her. How I want to be
with her. And I’m not sorry I woke
her up. I’m not. I love her. And you
know what? She loves me.
Around the corner, out of sight, Aurora stands listening.
JIM (CONT’D)
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t
live without her. It was now or
never, and I chose now. I chose now.
(MORE)
83.
JIM (CONT’D)
And I was right. But I woke her up,
Arthur. I woke her up, and she says I
killed her. And now she’s gone. She’s
gone.
(sobbing)
Gimme another bottle.
ARTHUR
I think you’ve had enough.
Jim looks at Arthur as if he’s said something profound.
JIM
You know what? You’re right. I’ve had
enough.

SUBDECK A - CARGO HOLD - DAY
Jim drives his cart up to a rack of large batteries: they’re
identical to the battery that powers the golf cart itself.
Jim starts loading his cart with extra batteries.

SERVICE DECK - CELESTIAL PROMENADE
Paintings leans against the windows: Aurora’s starscapes. The
first few are rudimentary, the later ones quite good.
She works on a new one: a red nebula. She looks out the
window - and her focus changes. She sees her own reflection.
Her brush moves across the canvas. She adds the suggestion of
a cheekbone...a slender neck...an eye. A face made of stars.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim finishes connecting a bank of batteries to his cart’s
motor: quadrupling the power.
He rolls a huge tractor tire up to the cart and bolts it on.

DECK FOUR - SHOPPING DISTRICT
Aurora jogs.
A rumble and wail of rubber behind her. Jim’s monster golf
cart comes ROARING toward her.
Aurora leaps for safety as the cart passes. Jim blasts past
her with a war whoop and a wave. He wears welding goggles.
Aurora looks after Jim in astonishment.
84.



DECK FOUR - SERVICE CORRIDOR
Jim races down a long straightaway. Squeals around a corner.
Puts the cart on two wheels as he dodges a cleaning robot.
He steers down a stairway: The cart bounces crazily down to
the deck below. At the bottom Jim takes the corner too hard.
The cart tumbles and SLAMS into the bulkhead. Debris rains
down. Jim lies crumpled in the wreckage, his goggles askew.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Aurora sits in her writing chair, a slate in front of her.
But the slate is blank, and her face is tense.
AURORA
I haven’t written in days. I don’t
know why. It’s the old problem, I
guess. Who’s my reader? Who am I
talking to? What’s it for?
(she sighs)
I used to love it.

SERVICE DECK - INFIRMARY
Jim lies in the autodoc in his underwear - his head
protruding, his body visible behind glass.
Lasers and sensors pass over his body.
AUTODOC
Two separated ribs. Fracture of the
right arm, radius and ulna. One
fractured finger. Dislocated thumb.
JIM
Am I gonna be okay?
Blindingly fast, robot arms straighten Jim’s elbow. Wrap his
ribs and arm with smooth white bandages. Jim shouts in shock.
AUTODOC
Leave the bandages on for one week.
The autodoc opens and Jim climbs out, testing his arm. A
bottle of pills rattles into a tray in front of him.
AUTODOC (CONT’D)
Take one of these pills each day
until they are gone.
85.


JIM
Thanks, doc.
AUTODOC
And take better care of yourself.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: THREE MONTHS LATER

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
Aurora paints, wild-eyed and fragile.
Her brushstrokes are fierce. She slashes at the canvas. As
she paints she begins to cry, silently. She doesn’t stop
painting. The easel shakes as she works.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Jim kneels on the Grand Concourse. He’s torn a huge hole in
the carpet to expose the deck plates beneath.
With his laser cutter he cuts a large rectangular hole. Pries
the plate up with a crowbar, opening a cavity in the deck.

AURORA’S CABIN
Aurora paces in her bathrobe, hair wrapped in a towel.
She looks at her gallery of snapshots. Touches the pictures
one by one. The faces begin to move and speak. A cacophony of
good wishes. Laughter and cheers.
Finally only one clip still plays. Aurora’s mother.
AURORA’S MOTHER
I promise you we’ll think of you
every day. When you wake up, I know
we’ll be gone...but you just know
that we lived our lives remembering
you, and holding you in our hearts.
(She starts to cry.)
I don’t understand, baby. I’m trying,
but I can’t believe I’m losing you.
(She tries to soldier.)
I hope you find what you’re looking
for. I hope it makes you happy.
Aurora watches, devastated.
86.



GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR - DAY
Jim, in work clothes and tool belt, drops by the bar. He’s as
dirty as a coal miner but he looks happy.
ARTHUR
Hello, Jim. Whiskey?
JIM
Iced tea.
ARTHUR
Coming up. Are you getting my
barstool dirty?
JIM
Got to get dirty to get things done,
Arthur. If your hands are too clean,
it means you’re not making anything.
ARTHUR
And what are you making?
JIM
Improvements.

ELITE DECK - ELITE PROMENADE - EVENING
Aurora strolls listlessly. Glances over the railing at the
Grand Concourse below - and gasps. She runs for the elevator.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Aurora walks wonderingly up to a GARDEN on the Concourse: a
ten-foot OAK TREE surrounded by flowerbeds and green grass.

ELITE DECK - FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Jim walks through Aurora’s informal art gallery.
She has abandoned starscapes in favor of self-portraiture.
The painted faces ever more tragic.
The last one is a field of white. Aurora fading away.

INFIRMARY - GENETIC BANK - DAY
Wisps of cold mist roll off the metal capsules. Aurora
browses the rotating racks, reading names.
With a start she comes across her own name. AURORA DUNN,
FEMALE, BORN 4/27/2819.
87.


She punches buttons. The racks rotate, shedding flakes of
frost. She finds what she’s looking for. JAMES PRESTON, MALE,
BORN 9/9/2810.
She looks at the metal cartridge for a long moment. Then she
slaps a switch, and the genetic bank closes up on itself.

GRAND CONCOURSE - LOUNGE
Jim sits reading an electronic slate. He looks up to find
Aurora standing over him.
AURORA
I need you.
The last thing Jim expected to hear.
AURORA (CONT’D)
I mean, I need a repairman.
Jim’s face falls.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary Three months after Jim's suicide attempt, Aurora, who is struggling with a terminal illness, seeks him out to request his help with a repair.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Raw and honest portrayal of regret and love
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Focus on internal struggles over plot advancement

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and internal conflicts, engaging the audience with its raw and honest portrayal of regret and longing. The dialogue and character interactions are compelling, drawing viewers into the characters' emotional journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing the consequences of a difficult decision and grappling with the weight of regret is well-executed in the scene. It delves into complex emotions and moral dilemmas, adding depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses more on character development and emotional exploration rather than advancing the external storyline. It serves as a pivotal moment for the characters' growth and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene explores themes of love, guilt, and redemption in a futuristic setting, blending personal drama with sci-fi elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are multi-dimensional and undergo significant emotional turmoil. Their interactions and internal struggles drive the narrative forward, creating a compelling and relatable dynamic between Jim and Aurora.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jim and Aurora undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, grappling with their feelings of regret, love, and self-discovery. Their interactions and decisions shape their character arcs, leading to personal growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 9

Jim's internal goal is to reconcile with Aurora and express his love for her, despite feeling guilty for waking her up from hibernation. This reflects his need for forgiveness, connection, and redemption.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal is to make improvements on the starship and possibly repair his relationship with Aurora. This reflects his immediate circumstances and challenges on the ship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is internal conflict and emotional tension in the scene, the external conflict is relatively low. The focus is more on the characters' internal struggles and relationships, driving the emotional narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and relationships.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, revolving around the characters' personal struggles and relationships. While the decisions made have significant consequences for the characters, the external stakes are relatively low.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional exploration, it does contribute to the overall narrative by deepening the relationships between the characters and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations, character decisions, and plot twists that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the consequences of Jim's actions in waking Aurora up and the moral dilemma of his love for her. It challenges his beliefs about sacrifice, love, and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and empathy in the audience. The raw and honest portrayal of regret and love resonates deeply, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, inner conflicts, and evolving relationships. It adds depth to the interactions between Jim, Aurora, and Arthur, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character conflicts, and dramatic tension that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and maintaining the audience's interest through a balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions that advance the plot and develop the relationships between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with disjointed interactions between the characters.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, especially in conveying the emotional turmoil the characters are going through.
  • The transition between different locations and character actions is abrupt and confusing, making it hard to follow the scene.
  • There is a lack of visual description and emotional depth in the scene, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters' struggles.
  • The emotional impact of Jim's confession and Aurora's reaction is not fully explored, leaving the audience disconnected from the characters' journey.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the emotional depth of the characters and their interactions to make the scene more engaging.
  • Provide more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • Work on improving the dialogue to convey the internal struggles and conflicts of the characters more effectively.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer narrative arc and flow of events.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Jim's confession and Aurora's reaction in more detail to create a more compelling and relatable storyline.



Scene 15 - Gus's Sacrifice
EXT. AURORA’S CABIN
Jim opens the door. Inside is chaos: the lights throb. Static
sizzles on video screens. Speakers blare noise. The blinds
jerk and flap. The adjustable bed convulses like a monster.
JIM
Wow. You do need a repairman.

INT. AURORA’S CABIN - LATER
A dark room. In the light of a utility lamp, Jim re-attaches
a control panel to the cabin wall. Aurora watches.
JIM
The control unit burned out. I took
the one from the cabin next door.
He throws a switch. The lights come on. Back to normal.
JIM (CONT’D)
All better.
Aurora gives him a brittle smile and sits on the bed.
JIM (CONT’D)
So how are you doing? You all right?
AURORA
I’m fine, Jim. Thanks for your work.
88.


She sits immobile, frosty. After a moment Jim walks out.
FADE TO BLACK.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Jim passes a cleaning robot stuck in a corner. He frees the
robot: it plows right back into the corner.
Another robot zooms in - and gets stuck beside the first one.
Jim studies the robots thoughtfully.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP - DAY
Jim tinkers with a malfunctioning robot.
A squawk of static comes over the P.A. system.
Jim looks up, listening.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Aurora sits with her digital slate in her lap. She too is
looking up, listening.
VOICE (VIA INTERCOM)
Hello! Anybody there?
Aurora bolts to her feet, wide-eyed.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim has vanished - the robot still rocking on the workbench.

DECK ONE - HIBERNATION BAY
Jim sprints down the hallway, eyes searching left and right.
VOICE (VIA INTERCOM)
This is Deck Chief Gus Mancuso.
Jim skids to a stop, astonished: the door to the Crew
Hibernation Facility stands open.
VOICE (VIA INTERCOM) (CONT’D)
Who the hell planted a tree on my
ship?
The Grand Concourse! Jim spins and runs back the other way.
89.



GRAND CONCOURSE
GUS MANCUSO stands at a deck steward’s station, intercom mic
in hand. A stocky man of 55, with a bristling mustache,
wearing a crewman’s coverall. Haggard and weary. He stares in
consternation at the garden in the middle of the Concourse.
Running footsteps.
Jim and Aurora race into the Concourse from opposite
directions. They see Gus and stop, astonished.
GUS
(pointing at the tree)
Who did that?
Jim raises a hand sheepishly. Gus shakes his head.
GUS (CONT’D)
I can’t even talk about that now. Who
are you?
JIM
Jim Preston. Rate-two mechanic.
GUS
Mechanic, huh?
(to Aurora)
And who are you?
AURORA
Aurora. Aurora Dunn.
GUS
Gus Mancuso, Senior Deck Chief. Nice
to meet you.
(looks at the tree again)
How long have you been awake?
AURORA
A year.
JIM
Two years.
GUS
This is not good.

CAFETERIA
Jim, Aurora, and Gus sit around a table. Gus leans heavily on
his elbows, sipping from a mug.
90.


GUS
I always get a hibernation hangover
but this is the worst ever.
(he drinks)
So it’s just the two of you?
JIM
Yeah.
GUS
Two years. Ouch.
(looks them in the eye)
You know what it means, right?
There’s no way back into hibernation.
AURORA
I was hoping you’d know something we
didn’t.
GUS
No. We’re awake for the duration. How
far along are we? You know?
JIM
Thirty-two years. Eighty-eight years
to go.
Gus blows air.
GUS
That’s tough.
(he shakes his head)
Hibernation failure! They said it
couldn’t happen. And now three on one
trip.
Aurora shoots Jim a look. Gus doesn’t notice.
GUS (CONT’D)
Well, let’s see what we can do.

COMMAND DECK
Gus leads Jim and Aurora to the Bridge’s armored hatch. He
swipes his crew card and the door opens.
JIM
You have no idea how long I’ve been
trying to get in here.
GUS
Now you’re in. Don’t touch anything.
91.



BRIDGE
The computer consoles of the Bridge brighten as they enter.
Gus walks from station to station, studying the screens.
GUS
We’re on course....Whatever’s wrong
with the ship, NavComp’s still
minding the store.
JIM
What do you think is wrong?
GUS
Three pod failures? Something’s
wrong. Question is what.
He turns to leave.
AURORA
Wait. What about diverting the ship?
Can we go back to Earth?
Gus almost laughs.
GUS
We’re going forty percent of
lightspeed away from Earth. To go
home we’d have to come to a stop,
accelerate back towards Earth, and
then come to a stop again. It’d take
as long as going on to Homestead II.
Anyway, navigation’s not for
amateurs. Space is a big place, and a
planet’s just a little thing.
Gus has a coughing fit. Wipes his mouth with his fist.
GUS (CONT’D)
Let’s go next door. See how the old
girl’s doing.

DIAGNOSTIC CENTER
Gus opens a secure compartment beside the bridge. Inside, the
Diagnostic Computer stands dark and dead.
GUS
I thought we’d see a lot of red
lights here. That would mean trouble.
AURORA
So everything’s okay?
92.


GUS
No, if everything was okay we’d see a
lot of green lights here.
AURORA
What does no lights mean?
GUS
No lights means big trouble.
Diagnostic Computer’s down. We’ve got
some work to do.
JIM
What do you need?
GUS
Right now? Cheeseburger.

ELITE DECK - STARDUST DINER
Gus eats a cheeseburger. Jim and Aurora sit across from him.
GUS
(with his mouth full)
Never been so hungry. Worst
hibernation hangover ever.
Jim can’t take his eyes off Gus. A new person.
JIM
So where you from, Gus?
GUS
Grew up in Chicago. But I’ve lived on
this ship a long time. The
Excelsior’s made five inter-planetary
runs, and I’ve been on every one. I
live aboard. When she makes port, I
live where she lands until she lifts
again.
JIM
(doing the math)
How old does that make you?
GUS
Fifty-six.
JIM
But how long ago were you born?
GUS
Oh. Hang on...
(he does mental math)
About six hundred years ago.
(MORE)
93.
GUS (CONT'D)
Most of that I lost to hibernation or
relativity. Doesn’t really count.
(he coughs again)
I tell you, I feel about six hundred
years old right now. I woke up hard.
AURORA
You should rest.
GUS
I think I will.
(he climbs to his feet)
Tomorrow morning, eight bells, you
meet me beside that tree of yours.
Until I figure out what’s wrong with
the Excelsior, you work for me.
Jim and Aurora smile.
JIM
Yes, sir.
AURORA
Good night, Gus.
Gus waves and walks off. That leaves Jim and Aurora sitting
awkwardly on the same side of a diner booth.
After a moment Aurora moves over to the other side. Looks at
Jim across the table.
AURORA (CONT’D)
Six hundred years old!
JIM
I’ve missed you.
Aurora stares, caught off guard. She gets up.
AURORA
See you in the morning.

COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER - MORNING
Gus and Jim examine the Diagnostic Computer. Jim holds a
flashlight while Gus pokes around with a voltmeter inside.
Behind them, Aurora stands watching with a digital slate.
GUS
The CPU’s burned out, can you believe
it? Why should that happen? It’s
rated for five hundred years.
AURORA
Can you fix it?
94.


GUS
You don’t fix it, you replace it.
There are spares for everything in
storage. Make a note. Diagnostic
Computer CPU. And a new cooling fan,
this one looks shot.
AURORA
Got it.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Gus and Aurora stand waiting as if for a bus.
AURORA
Don’t take this the wrong way - I
wish for your sake you were still
asleep - but I’m glad you’re here.
GUS
Thank you, sweetheart.
A GROWL of gears. Jim drives up in his souped-up golf cart.
GUS (CONT’D)
What’s this?
JIM
The golf cart.
Gus takes in the bank of batteries, the giant tractor wheels.
GUS
This I like.

SUBDECK A - NUMBER TEN CARGO BAY
Jim pilots the cart through the stacks. Aurora rides shotgun.
Gus, in the back seat, plays a flashlight over the stacks.
GUS
Next bay is the ship’s stores. So how
fast can she go?
Jim puts the pedal down. The cart lays rubber on the deck
plates and shoots down the aisle while Aurora and Gus yell.

SHIP’S STORES
Up on a hydraulic lift, Gus digs components out of storage.
Hands them to Aurora, who hands them to Jim, who loads them
into the cart.
95.



DIAGNOSTIC CENTER
Gus works on the Diagnostic Computer while Jim looks on.
Nearby, Aurora thumbs through Gus’s technical manuals.
Gus clamps a final component in place and nods at Jim.
GUS
Start ‘er up.
Jim closes a circuit breaker and powers up the computer. A
deep electrical HUM as the machine boots up.
The screen flashes a message: RUNNING VESSEL DIAGNOSTIC. A
progress bar shows that the diagnostic is 0.0% complete.
The lights on the indicator panel remain dark. The first
light begins to flicker as the diagnostic runs.
JIM
How long will it take?
GUS
Full diagnostic from a cold start?
Days. But it’ll tell us everything.

GRAND CONCOURSE
Gus strolls through the ship, looking around nostalgically.
He passes Jim’s garden and shakes his head.

CONCOURSE BAR
Gus walks up to the bar.
ARTHUR
Chief Mancuso! Good to see you.
GUS
Good to see you too, Arthur.
ARTHUR
What can I get you?
GUS
Just an ice water with a little
lemon. I feel hot as hell.
Gus mops sweat from his brow and sips his water. His hand
trembles hard enough to rattle the ice cubes.
96.



GUS’S CABIN
A homey space, filled with Gus’s possessions: pictures of
fellow spacers and vacation spots on half a dozen planets.
Books, keepsakes and mementos.
Gus sits on his bed, on a handmade quilt. Coughs violently
into a handkerchief, leaving the cloth spotted with blood.

GRAND CONCOURSE - GARDEN - MORNING
Aurora stands waiting by the oak tree. Jim arrives with two
cups of coffee, and hands her one. Aurora smiles, touched.
AURORA
Thank you.
Gus arrives in a fresh coverall, a steaming mug in hand. No
signs of frailty. He hands each of them a digital slate.
GUS
All right. Last night I checked ten
atmosphere stations and two of them
were burned out. Twenty percent
failure rate. Unheard of. So we’re
going to see how far the rot runs.
(to Aurora)
You. You’re going to walk Decks Two,
Three, and Four, and check every
atmosphere station. Green light good,
red light bad, no light really bad.
Write down what you find, I want a
complete census.
AURORA
Yes, sir.
GUS
(to Jim)
You. Go down to the Ship’s Stores.
Find atmosphere station CPUs and take
an inventory of the spares. I know
what the manifest says, but lists
ain’t facts.
JIM
Got it.
GUS
I’m going down to the Hibernation Bay
to look at our pods. Maybe I can spot
what went wrong.
Jim and Aurora exchange glances.
97.


AURORA
That should be interesting.

HIBERNATION BAY - AURORA’S POD - DAY
Gus kneels in front of the pod, examining the mechanism.
Alone, he doesn’t hide his difficulty: sweating and panting.
Something he finds inside the machine makes him forget his
symptoms. He stares, astonished.
GUS
Son of a gun.
A sound behind him. Gus turns to find Jim watching. He looks
from Jim to the pod mechanism and back again.
GUS (CONT’D)
You’re supposed to be doing
inventory.
JIM
I finished.
GUS
(holding Jim’s eyes)
I looked at your pod. Very simple.
The clock chips burned out. Not
supposed to happen, but it’s simple.
Jim fidgets. Starts to speak. Gus cuts him off.
GUS (CONT’D)
My pod was complicated. A bunch of
different failures at once, the whole
thing went haywire. I think that’s
why I feel so bad.
(points at Aurora’s pod)
But this pod...
JIM
Gus...
GUS
You did this.
JIM
Yeah.
GUS
I was thinking what a lucky son of a
bitch you were, stuck with a beauty
like Aurora. But it wasn’t luck.
98.


JIM
No.
Gus sits down heavily, looking at Jim.
GUS
She knows?
JIM
She knows.
Gus thinks that over, shaking his head at the idea.
GUS
I could see there was some trouble
between you.
Gus starts putting his tools away. Jim lays the electronic
slate down beside him.
JIM
Here’s your inventory. I’ll be in the
machine shop if you need me.

COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER
Gus sits working. Behind him the Diagnostic Computer displays
its progress bar: the diagnostic is 9% complete.
Aurora enters with a digital slate.
AURORA
I finished the census.
(she hesitates)
You saw the hibernation pods?
GUS
Yeah.
AURORA
So you know. What Jim did.
Aurora’s chin begins to tremble.
GUS
Yeah, he told me.
AURORA
He told you? Just like that? And?
She waits, trembling with righteous indignation. Gus doesn’t
want to get into this: he looks away uncomfortably.
99.


AURORA (CONT’D)
It’s not forgivable, Gus. It’s not.
Don’t tell me it is.
GUS
No, it’s a bad thing. But...
(he shrugs helplessly)
Look. When a drowning man drags
somebody down with him, you don’t
call it right. But he’s drowning. A
starving man steals a loaf of bread,
what can you say? You should have
starved?
AURORA
I would have starved.
GUS
Really?
Aurora looks hard at Gus, thinking, and says nothing.

ELITE DECK - ARGENTINA STEAKHOUSE - EVENING
A rustic restaurant. Gus, Jim, and Aurora sit around a table.
Gus reads an electronic slate.
GUS
By Aurora’s count, about thirty
percent of the atmosphere station
CPUs are burned out.
JIM
We can replace them.
GUS
We will. But they’ll just burn out
again if we don’t figure out why it’s
happening.
JIM
Where do we start?
GUS
We wait for the diagnostic report.
You’ve been knocking around this ship
for two years. A few days more won’t
kill you.
Gus hacks and coughs. For a moment his weakness is plain to
see...but robots sweep in and lay dishes on the table. Gus
sets his slate aside.
100.


GUS (CONT’D)
Here you go. This is the best food on
the ship.

GRAND CONCOURSE - CONCOURSE BAR
Jim, Aurora, and Gus sit at the bar. Arthur stands by.
AURORA
So how did you end up in space?
GUS
Only place I ever wanted to be. When
I was sixteen I lied about my age and
got onto a lunar shuttle crew. A few
years later I moved on to planetary
ships. Made the Venus run a hundred
times, then Jupiter and Saturn. Then
the gravity drive came along. Real
spaceflight. I did everything I could
to get onto an interstellar ship. I
was thirty-six years old the first
time I saw an alien sun. No going
back after that. I’ve walked on
seventeen planets in five solar
systems.
JIM
That’s incredible.
AURORA
Don’t you feel homeless?
GUS
I’m a spacer. My home is where I am.
You can’t take much with you, so you
don’t get hung up on things. You have
yourself. The things you do. The
company you keep.
Gus pushes himself off his stool. Momentarily shaky, he pulls
himself together.
He takes a seat at the grand piano and plays - a fine
beerhall pianist. Gus touches a switch and lifts his hands:
the piano keeps playing.
Gus stands and extends a hand to Aurora. She takes it, and
Gus sweeps her across the floor.
Jim watches from the bar.
ARTHUR
(aside, to Jim)
Gus always dances with the ladies.
101.


Aurora follows Gus’s lead - but steals looks at Jim. Her eyes
unreadable. They watch each other as the dance goes on.

GRAND CONCOURSE - THE GARDEN - MORNING
Jim and Aurora wait beside the garden. They’ve been waiting
for a while. Both look around for Gus.
JIM
You haven’t seen him at all?

GUS’S CABIN DOOR
A doorbell chimes. Jim and Aurora wait in the hall,
listening. Jim rings again.
AURORA
I don’t think he’s up.

GUS’S CABIN
Gus lies feverish and semi-conscious in his bed.
A THUNK! The door slides open. Jim and Aurora rush in.
JIM
Gus! Are you all right?
GUS
No. No, I’m not.

INFIRMARY
Gus lies in a medical scanner. Jim and Aurora watch as the
machine bathes Gus in light, sensors floating over his body.
GUS
Couldn’t get up. Weak as a baby. What
does it say is wrong with me?
The scanner’s display screen lists not one diagnosis, but
hundreds: disorders, diseases, dysfunctions.
JIM
(hiding his horror)
It’s a few things.
MEDICAL SCANNER
Diagnosis complete.
Gus hauls himself out of the scanner. Pulls a bathrobe on and
comes around to look at the screen. He sees it and blanches.
102.


MEDICAL SCANNER (CONT’D)
Six hundred twelve disorders found.
GUS
What’s the summary?
MEDICAL SCANNER
Pan-systemic necrosis. Progressive
organ failure. Cause unknown.
GUS
(losing his temper)
I’ll tell you the cause. My goofy
hibernation pod is the cause.
AURORA
What’s the treatment?
MEDICAL SCANNER
No treatment known.
Gus pivots the monitor so that only he can see it.
GUS
Prognosis.
A series of images flickers over the screen, casting shadows
on his face. Gus swallows hard and looks away.
GUS (CONT’D)
How long have I got?
MEDICAL SCANNER
Between two and three days.
A long moment of silence. Gus turns and exits.
MEDICAL SCANNER (CONT’D)
These sedatives will alleviate
suffering in the final hours...
Pill bottles clatter into a metal bin. Aurora scoops them up.
Jim goes after Gus.

CORRIDOR
Gus settles himself behind the wheel of Jim’s cart.
JIM
Gus!
GUS
Sorry, Jim.
Gus puts his foot down and the cart squeals away.
103.


Aurora stumbles into the hall, her hands full of pill
bottles. She and Jim watch the cart recede.

COMMAND DECK - COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Aurora sits at the security console, watching the monitors.
Jim enters.
JIM
He’s not in his room.
Aurora flips on the intercom, speaks into the mic. Her voice
resonates through the ship.
AURORA
Where are you? Gus, please answer.
We’ll be at the Concourse Bar every
hour. I’m really worried.
JIM
Where is he? What’s he doing?
GUS (O.S.)
What are you doing?
They spin. Gus stands in the doorway behind them.
GUS (CONT’D)
Guy’s got a couple of days to live
and he can’t get any peace.
AURORA
Where have you been?
GUS
Making arrangements. You kids have
dinner plans?
JIM
No.
GUS
Xanadu at eight.
(exiting)
Now stop shouting at me.

GUS’S CABIN - EVENING
Gus makes a tour of the room, touching his photographs and
mementos in farewell.
He puts on his dress uniform: chest crowded with medals and
decorations for the planets he’s seen, the voyages he’s made.
104.


He takes a photograph from a dresser: a handsome woman in her
forties. Kisses the snapshot. Tucks it in his breast pocket.
In the mirror he studies his haggard face.
Suddenly he SHOUTS, a wordless cry of anger. Pounds on the
dresser with his fists. Teeth clenched in pain and fury.
Then he straightens. Stands at attention. Takes a deep
breath. Pivots on his heel and leaves the room.

STARDOME - XANADU - NIGHT
Jim and Aurora enter the Stardome to find Gus sitting shaky
but proud at the head of a table.
They sit. Gus pours wine with a trembling hand.
AURORA
You look magnificent.
GUS
(to Jim)
Ladies love the dress blues.
(to both of them)
Thanks for coming. Sorry to run out
today, but I didn’t have a lot of
time, and there was a lot to do.
He sips his wine. Jim and Aurora watch with concern.
JIM
How you feeling?
GUS
Fine, fine.
AURORA
Gus, just because some stupid machine
says there’s no cure...
GUS
State-of-the-art machine, Aurora.
Anyway, I can feel it happening.
AURORA
But you just got here. It’s barely
been a week.
He takes her hand.
GUS
No point counting the days.
105.



XANADU - LATER
Their dinners are nearly done. Gus pours more wine. He’s in
the middle of a tale of adventure.
GUS
A pure oxygen environment is about as
dangerous a place as you can be. A
steel pipe will burn in pure O2. And
there I am with a hammer, trying to
close this valve and stop the oxygen
flow, when one spark will kill us
all. But the thing is, O2 makes you
punchy. So I can’t stop laughing. And
then the guys behind me start in, and
soon everybody’s going. Captain’s
giggling like a girl. The Navigator
pissed his pants laughing.
Jim and Aurora laugh. But pain contorts Gus’s face. He grips
the table with white knuckles. And nobody’s laughing anymore.
GUS (CONT’D)
This is happening fast. I got some
things for you. Come with me.

DECK FOUR - STARBOARD E.V.A. ROOM
On a table at the edge of the plaza, a small pile of objects
waits. Gus stops beside them. Turns to Jim and Aurora.
GUS
I went through the ship’s manuals and
made notes wherever there was
something special you should know.
These should keep you straight. In a
few days the Diagnostic Computer will
show you what needs fixing.
He takes his shipcard from around his neck. Hands it to Jim.
GUS (CONT’D)
This’ll get you anywhere you need to
go. Questions?
JIM
Why are we standing by the airlock?
AURORA
Oh, God! Gus, no!
106.


GUS
Got no choice about going. But I can
decide how to go, and I’m going out
on my own two feet.
JIM
(shocked)
Are you sure about this?
GUS
If you knew how this feels, Jimbo,
you wouldn’t ask me to stay.
Gus extends a hand to Aurora. She throws her arms around him.
AURORA
Gus. I can’t stand it. There’s got to
be some other way. Don’t do this.
Gus gently frees himself from her arms.
GUS
(tenderly)
It’s all right, Aurora. It’s all
right.
Gus turns to Jim. They clasp hands. Slap each other’s
shoulders in a rough embrace.
GUS (CONT’D)
Jim. Fix the ship.
JIM
Yes, sir.
GUS
And take care of each other.
Gus turns and opens the airlock. He straightens, squares his
shoulders, and steps inside. Turns to face them.
GUS (CONT’D)
All right.
Aurora covers her mouth. Jim raises a hand in stunned
farewell. The airlock door closes. Red lights flash.
Through the porthole they see Gus look out into space.
Then the outer door slams open and a blast of air shoots Gus
out among the stars. His body lost in the infinite night.
Aurora steps into Jim’s arms. Lays her head on his chest. For
a moment he holds her. Then she pushes him gently back. Meets
his eyes sadly.
107.


Jim watches her walk away.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Gus reveals his terminal illness and decides to sacrifice himself by stepping into space. He shares final moments with Jim and Aurora before his departure, leaving them shocked and saddened.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Focused on emotional resolution rather than external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally resonant, with strong character development and impactful dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing mortality in a futuristic space setting is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and well-paced, with a clear focus on the emotional journey of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on sacrifice, guilt, and acceptance of fate in a sci-fi setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically, allowing the audience to connect with their struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Gus undergoes a significant change as he comes to terms with his mortality and makes a selfless decision. Aurora and Jim also experience emotional growth through their interactions with Gus.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his guilt and make peace with his impending death.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fix the ship's malfunctioning systems and ensure the survival of the crew.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is internal conflict and emotional tension, the scene is more focused on emotional resolution and acceptance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Gus faces his imminent death and the other characters grapple with loss and acceptance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connections between the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected sacrifice of a major character and the emotional impact it has on the others.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of sacrificing oneself for the greater good and the acceptance of fate.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly sadness and empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and the impending sacrifice of a beloved character.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, leading to a powerful climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dramatic sci-fi moment, with clear descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, building tension and emotional depth effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore the impact of Gus's terminal illness on the characters.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in moments of high emotion.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and focus.
  • The character development of Gus, Jim, and Aurora is lacking, making it difficult for the audience to connect with their emotions and motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling to enhance the emotional impact of Gus's sacrifice.
Suggestions
  • Focus on building the emotional connection between the characters and the audience by delving deeper into their reactions to Gus's decision.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and relationships.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive and impactful narrative arc.
  • Develop the characters of Gus, Jim, and Aurora further to make their actions and decisions more believable and relatable.
  • Incorporate more visual cues and symbolism to enhance the emotional resonance of Gus's sacrifice.



Scene 16 - Race Against Time to Fix Gravity Plant
INT. GRAND CONCOURSE - DAY
Arthur polishes glasses, chipper as ever. A SWEEPER ROBOT
passes on its daily errands.

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Aurora slouches in her writing chair, staring into space - a
picture of sorrow.

SUBDECK C - MACHINE SHOP
Jim sits motionless at his workbench, brooding.
A CLATTER rouses him.
Jim’s little pet robot is banging its head against the wall,
emitting beeps of distress. Jim frowns.

ROBOTICS CENTER
Jim walks in. Everywhere robots bunch and stumble.
A pair of sweeper robots fight to enter the same recharging
niche. They trip up a procession of gangly window washers -
who stumble into a parade of robot waiters.
Chaos spreads. The robots’ clockwork perfection upset.

CAFETERIA
Aurora draws a glass of orange juice and gets green sludge.
Dials for toast and gets two slices of charcoal.

COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER
Aurora enters. The Diagnostic Computer’s console is no longer
dark: it’s a sea of green and red lights. A lot of red.
The computer’s screen reads “Diagnostic Complete.” It
displays a long list of error messages.
271 Aurora stares in horror at the red lights. 271
Jim enters behind her. Takes in the bad news.
108.


AURORA
There’s trouble everywhere.
Atmosphere systems, water systems,
waste systems, robot control.
JIM
(under his breath)
What’s happening?
Aurora goes to the worktable: its surface displays the
diagnostic report. Thousands of faults and failures.
AURORA
It started two years ago. Thirty
years with no trouble, then forty-
seven failures in a single day.
(reading the list)
Structural concussion.
System overvoltage.
Transient pressure anomaly.
Circuit reset, conduit 12.
Sync failure, hibernation pod 1498.
JIM
Pod 1498? That’s me!
AURORA
Whatever happened that day woke you
up.
She pulls up a graph of failures over time: A trickle of
breakdowns that swells into a torrent.
JIM
Ever since then, more and more
failures. Faster and faster.
AURORA
How do we find out what’s going on?
JIM
We start at the beginning. The
breakdowns from the day I woke up.
Aurora brings up a map of the ship on the display. Red
markers blink on the map.
AURORA
They’re all on Deck One.

DECK FOUR - AFT FIREWALL
An armored hatch leads to the Engine Room.
109.


Jim wears his tool belt. Aurora carries a flashlight. Each of
them carries one of Gus’s manuals.
Jim swipes Gus’s crew card and the hatch opens. They go in.

ENGINE COMPARTMENT - UPPER LEVEL
A huge space spanning multiple decks at the rear of the ship.
Here the real heart of the Excelsior throbs in the dark.
Jim and Aurora emerge into a humming electrical station. Jim
peers at gauges.
JIM
Power Converter seems okay.
AURORA
The failures are all below us.

ENGINE COMPARTMENT - MIDDLE LEVEL
A huge sphere 120 feet across dominates the compartment.
Signs read: CAUTION - FUSION REACTOR. A deep RUMBLE.
Jim and Aurora descend beside the reactor on a spiral stair.
They emerge onto a catwalk at the reactor’s equator and walk
around the sphere.

REACTOR CONTROL ROOM
Jim cards open a door labeled “REACTOR CONTROL ROOM.” Red
light pours out. They enter.
JIM & AURORA
(together)
Don’t touch anything.
Banks of control panels - but Jim and Aurora have eyes only
for the windows into the reactor’s heart.
Inside the reactor is a caged sun: an orb of fire hanging in
space. Loops and tongues of flame leap from its surface.
It roars like a forest fire.
AURORA
It’s beautiful.
JIM
Scares the hell out of me.
AURORA
What keeps it in?
110.


JIM
Gravity. The gravity plant gives us
weight. Propels the ship. And it
contains the fusion reaction. All one
system.
Aurora watches Jim as he walks among the consoles, studying
the instruments.
JIM (CONT’D)
Not much trouble here. A couple of
computers running hot.
AURORA
The cluster of failures is still one
level down.

ENGINE COMPARTMENT - LOWER LEVEL
Jim and Aurora emerge from an elevator. They come to a door
marked CENTRAL COMPUTING.
AURORA
This should be it.
Jim cards the door with Gus’s shipcard. The lock flashes a
red light and stays closed.
JIM
Gus’s card should open any door.
AURORA
(flipping through her manual)
Let me try an override code.
She squeezes past Jim. Taps at the door’s keypad. Jim peers
through the narrow window in the door.
JIM
Wait a sec, maybe there’s a reason
the door...
The light flashes green.
The door begins to slide open.
A HOWLING WIND sucks Aurora against the crack in the door.
She screams. Jim grabs at her. A hurricane drags her inside.

CENTRAL COMPUTER FACILITY
Aurora tumbles into the room and smashes into a column. She
clings in the gale-force wind, grimacing in pain.
111.


There’s a RAGGED HOLE punched in the hull. Outside, stars
burn in the vacuum of space. A tornado of escaping air
screams out through the hole.
Red lights flash. Claxons sound. The door begins to close.
Jim pulls a HAMMER from his belt and jams it crossways in the
doorway, propping open the door. The door’s motors whine.
Jim dives inside. Skids to a stop beside Aurora. Pulls her
loose from the column and shoves her toward the door,
fighting the wind.
Aurora scrambles through the doorway. Jim tries to follow -
but the hammer suddenly bends and springs out of the doorway.
The door slams: Aurora outside, Jim in the airless room.
The last of the atmosphere flashes away into space.
Aurora screams and pounds on the other side of the door. But
Jim hears only his own thudding heartbeat.
The last air leaves Jim’s lungs in a silent shout, vapor
whipping away between his teeth.
He spins. Scans the room desperately.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Aurora re-enters the override code. But the code is denied.
She drops to her knees. Scans frantically through her manual.

IN THE AIRLESS ROOM
Jim rips open a wide metal drawer built into the wall. It’s
full of computer components: Jim sweeps them onto the floor.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Aurora tears open an instrument panel beside the door,
revealing a yellow emergency button marked “PURGE.” She flips
back the safety catch and slams the button.

IN THE AIRLESS ROOM
White jets of compressed air blast from the ceiling, turning
the room into a whirling tornado of debris.
Jim clings for his life, gulping air as flying fragments
batter him.
112.


The wind tears him from his handholds and hurls him toward
the jagged hole in the hull.
He falls ACROSS THE HOLE. Metal fangs inches from his body.
He strains to avoid being speared or sucked out into space.
The air jets stop. The wind dies as the air escapes.
Jim lunges back to the open drawer. Pulls the LASER CUTTER
from his tool belt and cuts the entire drawer free.
He turns back, holding the metal DRAWER like a shield - and
staggers, half fainting.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Aurora sees Jim falter. Slams the PURGE button again.

IN THE AIRLESS ROOM
Compressed air blasts into the room, renewing the windstorm.
Jim rides the wind, sliding across the steel deck and
SLAMMING the steel drawer across the hole in the hull.
Air screams away through the gaps.
Jim lunges to an emergency locker and pulls out an epoxy
foamer - a steel canister like a fire extinguisher. He aims
it at the hole in the hull and pulls the trigger.
ORANGE FOAM blasts out, stiffening into a hard plastic. Jim
buries the steel drawer and the hull breach in foam.
His eyes flutter closed. Starved of oxygen, he falls limp.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Aurora hits the PURGE button. White jets of air blast into
the sealed room. The pressure comes up. The door slides open.

CENTRAL COMPUTER FACILITY
Aurora dashes in. Falls to her knees beside Jim. Takes his
pulse. Listens for breath: he’s not breathing. She presses
her mouth over his and blows air into his lungs.
After a moment Jim coughs. He opens bloodshot eyes. She props
his head on her knee.
AURORA
Jim. Are you okay?
113.


Jim breathes deeply. Blinks his eyes.
JIM
I think I’m all right.
(his eyes go wide)
Look.
In the center of the room a round column houses the CORE
COMPUTER. There’s a CRATER blasted in the machine.
JIM (CONT’D)
That’s the core computer.
Jim hauls himself to his feet, leaning on Aurora. He
approaches the blasted computer. Reaches into the hole.
Strains. A CREAK...and Jim pulls a melon-sized METEOR from
the crater. An orb of pitted metal.

COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER
Jim and Aurora sit at the worktable. The meteor sits between
them on the table.
JIM
A meteor.
AURORA
A rock.
They stare at the meteor: the cause of it all.
A BEEP: on the Diagnostic Computer’s console, more green
lights turn red. New errors pop up on the diagnostic report.
AURORA (CONT’D)
I don’t get it. This thing hit down
on Deck One. But there are failures
everywhere.
JIM
(a brainstorm)
The computers are networked. Ever
since the core computer got blown
away, all the other computers must
have been carrying the load. Running
at full capacity around the clock for
two years. They’re burning out.
AURORA
And every computer that burns out
increases the load on the others.
114.


JIM
Yeah. The breakdown accelerates. If
we don’t stop it, the whole ship will
go down.
AURORA
I’m trapped on a sinking ship?
JIM
Gus said there’s spares for
everything. If we replace the core
computer, it’ll pick up the load. The
burnouts will stop.
Another BEEP. Another green light turns red.
AURORA
Let’s go.

SUBDECK A - SHIP’S STORES
Jim pilots his golf cart at breakneck speed through the cargo
racks. Aurora rides shotgun, reading an electronic map.
AURORA
Two more rows, then left!
The cart squeals around a corner.

CENTRAL COMPUTER FACILITY
Aurora buries the hull breach in another layer of epoxy foam.
Jim wrestles a massive crate off the golf cart’s cargo deck.
Wearily uncrates the replacement computer.

CENTRAL COMPUTER FACILITY - LATER
Aurora inspects the replacement core computer, a manual in
her hands. The pages she’s consulting are covered with Gus’s
handwritten notes.
Jim sits on the floor with another manual. Cables and
connectors lie around him on the floor.
AURORA
First you connect the data bus, then
the sync cable, then bridge the power
and backup power...you’re supposed to
run a startup checklist, but Gus made
a note. He says you can skip straight
to power-up as long as you...
(MORE)
115.
AURORA (CONT'D)
(frowning)
Jim!
Jim is nodding off over his manual. He looks up, blinking.
AURORA (CONT’D)
You need to sleep. We can’t make
mistakes here.
JIM
(groggy)
I’m fine.
AURORA
You just got sucked into outer space.
Take a break.

ELITE DECK - BERLIN SUITE - NIGHT
Jim lies asleep in trousers and T-shirt, dead to the world.

DECK NINE - AURORA’S CABIN - DAWN
Aurora wakes. Rolls out of bed.

COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER - DAY
Aurora sips coffee. Surveys the Diagnostic Computer’s warning
lights. Turns to stare thoughtfully at the meteor itself.
She exits.
The console flickers. A green light turns red. And another.
The pattern of red lights spreads like a bloodstain.

ELITE DECK - BERLIN SUITE
Jim still lies sleeping. He hasn’t moved a muscle. Aurora
looks in on him, and slips quietly away.

DECK TWO - SWIMMING POOL
In a bathing suit, Aurora dives into the pool, cleaving the
water cleanly and striking out in a crawl stroke.
She reaches the end of the lane. Kick-turns and swims back...
...and the gravity cuts out.
The water heaves itself into weird humps and tentacles.
Aurora flounders in the weightless water.
116.



BERLIN SUITE (ZERO GRAVITY)
Sound asleep, Jim floats weightless from his bed, his blanket
billowing. He touches the ceiling.
His eyes open. He shouts in astonishment.
Gus’ crew card floats in front of him. He grabs it. His
blanket snarls around him: he struggles to free himself.

SWIMMING POOL (ZERO GRAVITY)
Rippling masses of water float everywhere, dividing and
merging. There is no surface. There is no up.
In the middle of this chaos, Aurora is trying not to drown.
A truck-sized blob of water swallows her up.
Inside the jiggling mass she struggles, running out of air.
She gathers herself. Lunges through the water. Shoots out of
the blob, gasping for breath.
She drifts within reach of a railing and grabs hold.

BERLIN SUITE (ZERO GRAVITY)
Jim braces himself in a corner of the ceiling. Spots his tool
belt floating in mid-air.
He dives through the air, snags his tool belt on the way, and
opens the door.
JIM
Aurora!

ELITE DECK - ELITE PROMENADE (ZERO GRAVITY)
Jim emerges from a corridor onto the promenade: airborne,
propelling himself from one handhold to the next.
He’s barefoot in trousers and undershirt, his toolbelt around
his waist. Gus’s shipcard around his neck.
AURORA (O.S.)
Jim!
In the middle of the atrium, Aurora drifts mid-air, far from
any handhold. She wears a damp shirt over her bathing suit.
JIM
What are you doing?
117.


AURORA
(exasperated)
I’m drifting helplessly.
JIM
We’ve got to get you down. The
gravity might come back on.
Aurora hadn’t thought of that. She looks down fearfully.
Jim swings over the railing. Braces his feet. Takes aim.
AURORA
Whoa. Hey. Let’s talk about this.
JIM
Hang on.
AURORA
To what?!
Jim dives at her like Superman. Wraps his arms around her.
They tumble through space until Jim grabs a railing.
JIM
You okay?
AURORA
There’s no gravity.
JIM
Yeah. That’s bad.
AURORA
Why is there no gravity?
JIM
The gravity plant’s failing. Internal
field goes first. After that the
engines die...then the fusion reactor
goes nova.
AURORA
That is bad.
JIM
We’ve got to get the core computer
online. Now.

ENGINE COMPARTMENT - FUSION REACTOR (ZERO GRAVITY)
A roar of THUNDER. The caged sun shudders. Tongues of fire
lick from its surface.
118.



DECK FIVE - CORRIDOR (ZERO GRAVITY)
Jim and Aurora, getting the hang of it, shoot down a hallway -
dodging a robot that spins its wheels in the air.

ENGINE COMPARTMENT - CORE COMPUTER ROOM (ZERO GRAVITY)
Jim and Aurora float into the room and stare: Jim’s golf cart
and the replacement Core Computer hang tumbling in the air.
Aurora extends her hand to Jim. He takes her hand, and with
his other hand grabs a handhold. Aurora floats up and grabs
the replacement core computer by a cable. A human chain, they
haul it down to the deck.
Aurora holds the new computer down. Jim floats up to the
ruined old computer. Opens latches. Disconnects cables. Eases
the machine out of the column into the air.
The room shakes. A deep note in the background falls silent.
JIM
The engines just shut down.

FUSION REACTOR CONTROL ROOM (ZERO GRAVITY)
Consoles alive with warning lights. The room is bathed with a
hellish glow: the orb of fire swells and roars.
A computer burns out with a sputter of flame. The air fills
with a haze of smoke.

FUSION REACTOR
The caged sun boils and swells. Tentacles of flame graze the
reactor walls, leaving charred trails.

CORE COMPUTER ROOM (ZERO GRAVITY)
Jim and Aurora strain at the replacement computer: it’s
nearly in place. Each shoves with one hand, gripping a
handhold with the other. Their feet kick in the empty air.
Red lights flash. A warning klaxon sounds.
ANNOUNCER
Reactor failure. Reactor failure.
Passengers please remain calm.
Aurora holds the computer in place, gripping two handholds,
her shoulder planted against the machine.
119.


Jim floats up, reaches around the computer to connect cables.
JIM
Does the data cable go in the “bus”
port or the “through” port?
AURORA
Bus port! The blue one!
The ship shudders violently, throwing them from side to side.
Jim forces one cable after another into their sockets.
Aurora tires: the computer slides out of place.
JIM
Hold it! Hold it!
AURORA
Trying!
She strains. The computer slides back into place.
Jim closes the last connection. Slips out of the niche and
lowers the clamps that hold the computer in place.
He throws the heavy power lever. The lights go out.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary Aurora and Jim work together to diagnose and fix the ship's core computer, damaged by a meteor. They replace it, but the ship's gravity fails, leaving them floating. They must race against time to fix the gravity plant before the fusion reactor goes nova.
Strengths
  • High stakes
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Teamwork dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some technical jargon may be hard to follow for some audience members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and filled with high stakes, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a failing core computer leading to a ship-wide crisis is compelling and drives the tension in the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear goal for the characters to achieve amidst a crisis situation.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a high-tech spaceship facing system failures and the crew's race against time to prevent disaster. The dialogue and character actions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination and teamwork in the face of danger, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show resilience and adaptability in the face of a crisis, showcasing growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the source of the ship's malfunctions and save the crew from disaster. This reflects their desire to be competent and capable in a crisis.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to repair the core computer and prevent a catastrophic reactor failure. This goal is urgent and high-stakes, driving the action of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters race against time to fix the core computer before the ship faces a catastrophic failure.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges as they work to repair the ship. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of whether the characters will succeed.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high as the characters must prevent a ship-wide disaster.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a critical problem that needs to be solved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' efforts to repair the ship and prevent disaster. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of responsibility and teamwork. The characters must work together to solve the ship's problems, highlighting the importance of cooperation and problem-solving in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, determination, and hope in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on problem-solving and urgency, fitting the tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and well-developed characters. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of their mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of crisis. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear descriptions and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling. The formatting helps to convey the chaotic and fast-paced nature of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and suspense as the characters work to solve the ship's problems. The pacing is effective in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene is visually descriptive and action-packed, but it may benefit from more emotional depth and character development to engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora feels a bit expository and could be more natural and engaging to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The gravity failure and subsequent actions taken by Jim and Aurora to fix the ship's core computer are intense and suspenseful, but the emotional stakes for the characters could be heightened to create a more compelling narrative.
  • The scene transitions quickly from one location to another, which may make it challenging for the audience to fully grasp the gravity of the situation and the characters' emotional journey.
  • There is a lot of technical jargon and action sequences in the scene, which may be overwhelming for the audience. Balancing the technical details with emotional moments could create a more engaging and relatable experience.
Suggestions
  • Add more emotional depth to the characters by exploring their fears, motivations, and relationships in the face of the ship's crisis.
  • Focus on developing the dialogue to be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Consider slowing down the pacing of the scene to allow for more character development and emotional resonance.
  • Integrate moments of vulnerability, conflict, and growth for Jim and Aurora to make their journey more relatable and engaging for the audience.
  • Balance the technical aspects of the ship's malfunction with the emotional journey of the characters to create a more well-rounded and impactful scene.



Scene 17 - Hibernation System Malfunction
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR
A wave of darkness engulfs the ship.

INT. SUBDECK A - CORE COMPUTER ROOM
Floating, Jim and Aurora stare at each other in the dark.
AURORA
What’s happening?
JIM
Don’t know.
The core computer flashes to life. The lights come back on.
So does the gravity. Jim and Aurora slam to the floor. Inches
away, the old computer plunges down and embeds itself in the
deck. Across the room the golf cart bounces on its tires.

INT. FUSION REACTOR
The orb of fire withdraws its blazing tentacles and dwindles
to its proper size.
120.



CORE COMPUTER ROOM
Jim and Aurora lie on the deck, breathing hard. Aurora starts
to laugh.
JIM
What’s so funny?
AURORA
We’re alive!
The engines rumble back to life.
A distant, rhythmic sound begins: BOOM-CHAK...BOOM-CHAK...

DECK TWO - PROMENADE
Jim and Aurora walk wearily.
JIM
We have to replace the other burned-
out computers. But we have time.
Aurora slides her arm around his waist.
BOOM-CHAK...BOOM-CHAK...
JIM (CONT’D)
What is that sound?
Aurora stiffens, looking over his shoulder. Outside the
window, a hibernation pod spins into view. A woman inside.
AURORA
(finding her voice)
Jim!
He turns. Stares in shock as more pods drift past the window.

HIBERNATION BAY
Jim and Aurora sprint into the facility. The sound is loud
here: BOOM-CHAK...BOOM-CHAK...
It’s the sound of hibernation pods being ejected. The wave of
ejections marches down an aisle: one pod after another
disappearing into the ceiling.
Jim rushes to a CONSOLE. Scans the display.
JIM
The hibernation system rebooted. It
thinks the ship’s in port. It’s
ejecting the empty pods.
121.


AURORA
(horrified)
They’re not empty.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary A surge of darkness envelops the ship. The core computer reactivates, restoring power and gravity, causing Jim and Aurora to fall. The computer crashes into the deck and the fusion reactor stabilizes. Jim and Aurora find relief in their survival. As the engines resume operation, a rhythmic sound of ejected hibernation pods fills the air. Rushing to the hibernation bay, they discover a system reboot and the ejection of non-empty pods.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotional, and impactful, with high stakes and significant character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the hibernation system malfunctioning and the characters having to race against time to fix it is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense, with a clear goal and obstacles for the characters to overcome, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the survival genre by combining futuristic technology with human emotions and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jim, Aurora, and Gus are well-developed and their interactions are emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, particularly in their relationships and understanding of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and overcome the challenges presented by the malfunctioning ship. This reflects their desire for self-preservation and the will to keep going despite the odds.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fix the ship's systems and prevent further malfunctions. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of the ship's critical situation and the need to ensure their survival.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict of the malfunctioning hibernation system and the characters' race against time creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that test their abilities and resolve.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters' lives and the fate of the ship hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict while setting up new challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the ship's malfunctioning systems, keeping the characters and audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of life and the responsibility to protect others. The protagonist's realization that the hibernation pods are not empty challenges their beliefs about the importance of every individual's survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with moments of fear, love, and sadness that resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations, but could be more impactful in some moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional moments that keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action beats and character interactions. It maintains a sense of urgency and progression.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the wave of darkness engulfing the ship to the Core Computer Room, leaving the audience slightly disoriented.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora in the Core Computer Room feels a bit generic and could benefit from more depth and emotion to reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • The moment when Aurora starts laughing after realizing they are alive could be more impactful if there was a stronger build-up of tension and relief leading to that moment.
  • The description of the engines rumbling back to life and the rhythmic sound beginning could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger visual and auditory impact.
  • The reveal of the hibernation pods being ejected is a powerful moment, but the transition from the Core Computer Room to the Hibernation Bay feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief visual or auditory cue to signify the transition from the wave of darkness to the Core Computer Room, providing a smoother flow for the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jim and Aurora in the Core Computer Room to convey their emotions more effectively and add depth to their interaction.
  • Build up the tension and relief leading to Aurora's moment of laughter to make it a more impactful and cathartic moment for the characters and the audience.
  • Revise the description of the engines rumbling back to life and the rhythmic sound beginning to create a more immersive and vivid sensory experience for the audience.
  • Work on refining the transition from the Core Computer Room to the Hibernation Bay to ensure a seamless and engaging flow of the scene.



Scene 18 - Escape from Hibernation
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR
The ship leaves a trail of glowing hibernation pods.

INT. HIBERNATION BAY
Jim slides to a halt in front of a hibernation pod. Pulls a
power driver from his belt and removes the cover panel.
Aurora arrives on his heels. Watches as he works.
An ominous sound approaches. BOOM-CHAK...BOOM-CHAK... The
wave of ejections advances down their row.
AURORA
Hurry.
JIM
I see it.
He’s not fast enough. The pod slides up and out of sight.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Commander Jim attempts to open a hibernation pod but is unsuccessful. As Aurora watches and warns him to hurry, the pod slides up and out of sight before Jim can open it, revealing that it is not empty.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Strong character development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in dialogue
  • Some predictable plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial turning point in the story, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fate.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of trying to prevent the ejection of hibernation pods adds a unique and compelling element to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Jim and Aurora face a critical challenge and must work together to overcome it, leading to potential consequences that will impact the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation of operating hibernation pods in a high-pressure environment, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jim and Aurora are tested in this scene, showcasing their determination and resourcefulness in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jim and Aurora undergo significant character development as they are forced to confront their fears and make tough decisions in order to save the hibernation pods.

Internal Goal: 8

Jim's internal goal in this scene is to successfully operate the hibernation pod and potentially save someone inside. This reflects his desire to be competent and helpful in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 7

Jim's external goal is to prevent the hibernation pod from being ejected, potentially saving the person inside from harm. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing on the ship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high as Jim and Aurora are faced with a life-threatening situation that requires quick thinking and teamwork to resolve.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult challenge and uncertain outcome, adding to the suspense and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the fate of the hibernation pods and potentially the entire mission hangs in the balance, adding a sense of urgency and importance to the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected sound approaching and the tension of whether Jim will be able to save the person in the hibernation pod.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' sense of duty and the urgency of the situation. Aurora urges Jim to hurry, emphasizing the importance of saving the person in the pod, while Jim remains focused on his task, showing a conflict between individual responsibility and collective urgency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and determination in the characters, drawing the audience into their struggle to prevent the ejection of the hibernation pods.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on the task at hand, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes, suspenseful moment in a sci-fi genre, with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation. The impending danger of the hibernation pods being ejected should be emphasized more.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora feels a bit flat and could benefit from more emotional depth, especially given the revelation that the pods are not empty.
  • The visual description of the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build up the suspense and keep the audience engaged throughout.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' emotions and reactions to the unfolding events, which could add more depth to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to heighten the tension and create a sense of urgency as the wave of ejections approaches.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jim and Aurora to reflect their heightened emotions and the gravity of the situation they are facing.
  • Revise the visual elements of the scene to paint a more vivid picture of the hibernation bay and the advancing wave of ejections.
  • Work on pacing the scene effectively to maintain a sense of suspense and keep the readers engaged from start to finish.
  • Explore the characters' internal thoughts and feelings in response to the revelation that the pods are not empty, adding depth and complexity to their reactions.



Scene 19 - Escape from the Excelsior
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR
The pods Jim was working on tumbles out into space.

INT. CREW HIBERNATION FACILITY
Jim slams into the facility at a dead run. Scans the crew
hibernation pods. Picks one and goes to work.
Aurora enters. Looks at the man inside the hibernation pod: a
stern fellow with a bristling gray beard.
AURORA
Who’s that?
JIM
The Captain.
The sounds of the ejection wave come closer. Boom-chak.
AURORA
You don’t have much time.
JIM
I know.
122.


BOOM-CHAK! A crewman’s pod vanishes into the ceiling on the
opposite side. The ejections march down the row.
AURORA
Go go go!
The wave of ejections reaches the end of the facility and
marches back on Jim’s side.
JIM
Got it!
The hibernation pod hums to life.
Inside, the Captain opens his eyes. He stares in astonishment
at the first thing he sees: Aurora, in her bathing suit and
shirt, a disheveled angel.
BOOM-CHAK!
The pod beside the Captain’s shoots out of sight. He sees it.
Looks at Aurora in alarm. Reaches out, his hand spread flat
on the glass.
She reaches back, her hand matching his.
The Captain’s pod rises through the ceiling and vanishes. Jim
roars in frustration. Aurora leaps back with a cry of horror.

DECK NINE - AFT OBSERVATION DECK
Jim and Aurora stare out the windows. In the ship’s wake,
five thousand pods glitter like diamonds. The cloud of pods
dispersing as they watch.
Stricken, Aurora walks away.
Jim watches her go, then turns back to the window, looking
out at the tumbling sparks.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jim and Aurora race against time to free the Captain from his pod before the ejection wave hits, succeeding just in time. The Captain's pod ejects, and he sees Aurora before drifting into space. Jim and Aurora watch the pods eject from the ship, and Aurora is horrified.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Urgency
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, moves the story forward significantly, and has high stakes, but could benefit from more character development and dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of waking up the Captain from hibernation adds tension and urgency to the scene, making it a pivotal moment in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the awakening of the Captain, leading to potential new conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation with the crew hibernation facility and the danger of crew members being ejected into space. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters show emotion and determination, but could benefit from more depth and development in this scene.

Character Changes: 7

The awakening of the Captain marks a significant change in the dynamics between the characters and their goals.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Jim, is trying to save the Captain from being ejected into space. His internal goal reflects his sense of duty, responsibility, and desire to protect the crew members.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the crew members from being ejected into space and ensure their safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict of time running out to wake up the Captain creates tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the imminent danger of crew members being ejected into space creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of waking up the Captain and the potential consequences add intensity and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new element that will impact the characters' journey and decisions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the value of duty and sacrifice for the greater good. Jim must decide whether to save the Captain at the risk of his own safety or prioritize the safety of the other crew members.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the Captain waking up and the characters' reactions is powerful and moving.

Dialogue: 5

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, building tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, action sequences, and emotional resolution. It effectively conveys the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency as Jim and Aurora race against time to save the crew members in the hibernation pods.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and engaging, creating a sense of tension and drama as the pods are being ejected from the ship.
  • The emotional connection between Jim, Aurora, and the Captain is well portrayed, especially in the moment when the Captain wakes up and sees Aurora, creating a poignant moment of realization.
  • The pacing of the scene is well done, with the tension building as the ejection wave approaches and the characters work quickly to save the Captain.
  • The use of sound effects like 'BOOM-CHAK' adds to the intensity of the scene and helps to create a sense of urgency and impending danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jim and Aurora to further deepen their characters and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Provide more context or background information on the Captain to help the audience understand his significance and relationship to Jim and Aurora.
  • Explore the aftermath of the Captain waking up and the emotional impact on all three characters, including their reactions and interactions in the moments following his awakening.
  • Consider incorporating more dialogue between Jim, Aurora, and the Captain to further develop their relationships and add depth to their interactions.
  • Continue to build on the suspense and tension of the scene by adding more obstacles or challenges for Jim and Aurora to overcome as they work to save the crew members in the hibernation pods.



Scene 20 - Heartfelt Reconciliation
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR
The starship recedes, leaving five thousand pods in its wake.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER

INT. COMMAND DECK - DIAGNOSTIC CENTER - DAY
Jim stands at the Diagnostic Computer. The indicator light
panel is a sea of green. Only a few red lights remain.
Aurora enters.
123.


JIM
That’s the last of the burned out
processors. When it reboots we should
be all green.
AURORA
Can we talk?

FORWARD OBSERVATION DECK
Aurora’s writing couch. Jim and Aurora sit facing each other.
Aurora gathers her thoughts. Takes a deep breath.
AURORA
You know, if it wasn’t for you waking
me up, I’d be drifting out in space
right now with the others. And if
you’d never awakened, the whole ship
would have been lost while we slept.
Jim shakes his head at the tangle of it.
AURORA (CONT’D)
But no matter how we got here, the
fact is that we’re here. All I know
is, when I have a good idea, you’re
the person I want to tell. When I
wake up in the morning, I wish you
were there. When I look at you, I
just see Jim. And I miss him.
Jim looks at her, moved and caught off-guard.
JIM
I’ve missed you too.
AURORA
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I
can’t be. We’ve come through too
much. No matter what you’ve done...
the fact is, I love you.
Jim reaches out and takes her hand. She watches him
intertwine his fingers with hers.
Aurora gazes out at the stars - the endless shining sky that
enfolds them. She looks at Jim and smiles.
AURORA (CONT’D)
Hell of a life.
Jim meets her eyes.
JIM
Hell of a life.
124.


She climbs into his lap, and they kiss. A kiss with a year’s
frustration behind it. A kiss that matters.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance"]

Summary Jim and Aurora engage in a heartfelt conversation on the command deck of the Excelsior, two weeks after leaving behind five thousand pods. They express their love and gratitude for each other, reconciling their differences. The scene concludes with a kiss, symbolizing their renewed connection and love.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character development
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-written, and pivotal in the development of the relationship between Jim and Aurora. The reconciliation and expression of love add depth to the characters and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two characters finding forgiveness and love in a unique and isolated setting like a starship in space is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the emotional reconciliation between Jim and Aurora, setting the stage for further development in their relationship and personal growth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of reconciliation and forgiveness in a futuristic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jim and Aurora are well-developed and their emotional journey in this scene is compelling and authentic.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jim and Aurora undergo significant emotional growth and change in this scene, moving from anger and hurt to forgiveness and love.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with Aurora and express his feelings for her. This reflects his deeper desire for connection and love, as well as his fear of losing her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix the ship's systems and ensure the safety of the crew. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in maintaining the ship's functionality.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is emotional conflict and tension between Jim and Aurora, the scene focuses more on resolution and reconciliation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the suspense and engagement of the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high in terms of the emotional impact on the characters and the future of their relationship, but there is no immediate physical danger or life-threatening situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving a major conflict between the main characters and setting the stage for further development in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and shifts in the characters' relationships. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complexities of love and forgiveness.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around forgiveness, love, and the complexities of relationships. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about redemption and second chances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The emotional impact of the scene is profound, evoking feelings of love, forgiveness, and hope in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt and sincere, capturing the emotional depth of the characters' feelings and the complexity of their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome of their relationship and the resolution of their conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, as it abruptly jumps two weeks ahead without providing context or explanation.
  • The dialogue between Jim and Aurora feels a bit forced and melodramatic, with overly sentimental declarations of love and forgiveness.
  • The emotional resolution between Jim and Aurora seems rushed and lacks depth, considering the complex history and conflicts they have faced.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtle and nuanced interactions between the characters, allowing their emotions to unfold more organically.
  • The setting and visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more immersive and vivid atmosphere for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or recap at the beginning of the scene to provide context for the time jump.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationship dynamics.
  • Develop the emotional resolution between Jim and Aurora more gradually, allowing their feelings to evolve naturally over the course of the scene.
  • Focus on creating a rich and detailed setting that enhances the emotional impact of the scene and immerses the audience in the characters' world.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle gestures and actions to convey the characters' emotions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 21 - A Moment in Space
EXT. STARSHIP EXCELSIOR - STARBOARD AIRLOCK - DAY
The airlock opens with a gust of air. Jim emerges in a space
suit - followed by Aurora.

ATOP THE SHIP
They walk toward the bow, stars reflected in their visors.

AT THE BOW
They sit side by side. Aurora takes Jim’s hand.
They lean together, helmets touching, and look together into
the blue stars of their future.
FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: EIGHTY-EIGHT YEARS LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary Jim and Aurora share a moment of intimacy and connection as they sit together on the bow of the Starship Excelsior, looking into the stars. The scene ends with a super reading 'EIGHTY-EIGHT YEARS LATER.' The tone is peaceful, romantic, and hopeful.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Beautiful imagery
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, beautifully written, and sets up a poignant conclusion to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two characters facing the unknown future together in space is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot reaches a climactic moment as the characters contemplate their future together in the vastness of space.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a timeless love story set against the backdrop of space exploration. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotional journey and connection are central to the scene and are portrayed with depth and authenticity.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo emotional growth and acceptance of their situation, leading to a deeper connection.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find peace and connection with Aurora, reflecting his deeper desire for love and companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to embark on a new journey into the unknown, symbolized by the blue stars of their future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict and tension between the characters, the scene focuses more on resolution and acceptance.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is minimal, with the main conflict being internal rather than external.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters face an uncertain future in space, with the potential for sacrifice and loss.

Story Forward: 7

The scene serves as a pivotal moment in the characters' relationship and sets the stage for the resolution of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the time jump at the end, which adds a layer of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the te