Adaptation
Executive Summary
Poster

Overview
Genres: Drama, Character Study, Comedy, Thriller, Adventure, Romance, Mystery, Legal, Journalism, Family, Biography, Biographical
Setting: Contemporary, with flashbacks to the past, Primarily set in Florida's Fakahatchee Strand and various locations in New York City
Overview: Adaptation follows Charlie Kaufman, a neurotic screenwriter struggling with self-doubt and body image issues as he attempts to adapt Susan Orlean's book, 'The Orchid Thief.' The story begins with Kaufman's introspective monologues about his insecurities and the pressures of Hollywood. As he delves into the world of orchids and the eccentric John Laroche, Kaufman grapples with his creative process, leading to a series of surreal and chaotic events. The narrative intertwines Kaufman's personal struggles with Orlean's journey of obsession and passion for orchids, culminating in a darkly humorous exploration of identity, love, and the absurdity of existence. The film's climax reveals the consequences of their pursuits, ultimately leading to a poignant resolution about self-acceptance and the nature of storytelling.
Themes: Self-Acceptance and Identity, The Nature of Passion and Obsession, The Search for Authentic Connection and Love, The Absurdity and Chaos of Existence, The Creative Process and the Nature of Storytelling, The Illusion vs. Reality of Nature and Beauty, Evolution and the Drive Towards Perfection (or Entropy)
Conflict and Stakes: Charlie's internal struggle with self-acceptance and creative integrity, alongside the external conflict involving Laroche's illegal activities and Orlean's shifting loyalties.
Overall Mood: Introspective and melancholic, with moments of dark humor and tension.
Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:
- Scene 3: Awkward and tense during Kaufman's lunch with Valerie, highlighting his social anxiety.
- Scene 59: Intense and suspenseful during the high-speed chase, blending action with emotional stakes.
- Scene 55: Tense and violent as Kaufman faces Laroche's aggression, underscoring the stakes of his situation.
- Scene 36: Conflicted and introspective as Orlean grapples with her feelings about passion and authenticity.
Standout Features:
- Unique Hook: The screenplay's meta-narrative structure, blending real-life events with fictional elements.
- Plot Twist: The revelation of Orlean's drug-induced passion for orchids and her shift in priorities.
- Innovative Ideas: The exploration of body dysmorphic disorder and its impact on creativity.
- Distinctive Settings: The contrasting environments of the lush Florida swamps and the urban landscape of New York City.
- Character Depth: Complex characters grappling with their desires and failures, particularly Kaufman's introspective journey.
Comparable Scripts:
- Adaptation (2002)
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
- Synecdoche, New York (2008)
- Being John Malkovich (1999)
- The Orchid Thief (2002)
- The Science of Sleep (2006)
- Her (2013)
- Wild Strawberries (1957)
- The Master (2012)
Writing Style:
The writing style across the script is consistently characterized by a blend of introspection, existential themes, and a unique, often quirky, exploration of human emotions and relationships. There's a strong emphasis on character-driven narratives, intellectual humor, and a willingness to delve into the complexities of the human psyche. The dialogue is frequently sharp, witty, and philosophical, while the storytelling can lean towards the unconventional and surreal.
Style Similarities:
- Charlie Kaufman
- Sofia Coppola
- Spike Jonze
Pass/Consider/Recommend
Explanation:
USP: Adaptation revolutionizes cinematic storytelling by making the creative process itself the subject of the narrative, blending multiple layers of reality while exploring profound themes of passion, identity, and artistic integrity. Its unique meta-structure and intellectual depth distinguish it from conventional screenplays while maintaining commercial appeal through compelling characters and unexpected narrative turns.
Market Analysis
Budget Estimate:$20-30 million
Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, particularly those interested in character-driven narratives, psychological dramas, and literary adaptations.
Marketability: The screenplay's unique blend of humor, introspection, and existential themes appeals to a niche audience, particularly fans of Kaufman's previous works.
While it has strong character development and thematic depth, its unconventional narrative style may limit broader commercial appeal.
The film's exploration of obsession and identity resonates with contemporary audiences, but its pacing and complexity may deter some viewers.
Profit Potential: Moderate to high, as it could attract critical acclaim and a dedicated audience, especially if marketed effectively.
Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice
Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by a unique blend of introspective and self-deprecating humor, sharp and naturalistic dialogue that reveals underlying emotional complexities, vivid and often contrasting descriptive language, and a profound exploration of existential themes such as identity, self-perception, artistic integrity, and the human condition. There's a consistent undercurrent of melancholy, a keen observation of human anxieties, and a tendency to juxtapose the mundane with the profound.
Best representation: Scene 13 - Orchid Dreams and Reckless Roads. Scene 13 best encapsulates the author's unique voice through its masterful blend of introspective character thoughts, detailed sensory descriptions, and a poignant narrative tone that juxtaposes beauty and melancholy. The awkward interaction with the waitress Alice, the subsequent fantasy sequence, and the concluding image of a lonely family backyard all exemplify the writer's ability to weave together everyday moments with profound emotional undercurrents, highlighting the protagonist's internal struggles and the fleeting nature of human connections. The scene demonstrates the writer's signature blend of naturalism, introspection, and evocative imagery.
Memorable Lines:
- KAUFMAN (V.O.): I am old. I am fat. I am bald. My toenails have turned strange. (Scene 1)
- KAUFMAN: I am fat. I am repulsive. I cannot bear my own reflection. (Scene 9)
- Laroche: I'll find you a f***ing ghost if it kills me. (Scene 43)
- KAUFMAN: That's the book. I wanted to present it simply, without big character arcs or sensationalizing the story. I wanted to show flowers as God's miracles. I wanted to show that Orlean never saw the blooming ghost orchid. It's about disappointment. (Scene 50)
- McKee: Michelle Pfeiffer is proof, my friends, that there's a fucking God. (Scene 48)
Characters
Charlie Kaufman:A neurotic screenwriter struggling with self-doubt and body image issues, attempting to adapt Susan Orlean's book.
Susan Orlean:A writer for The New Yorker, fascinated by orchids and their symbolism, who becomes entangled in a complex relationship with Laroche.
John Laroche:An eccentric orchid thief with a passion for plants, whose actions drive much of the plot's conflict.
Donald Kaufman:Charlie’s twin brother, who is enthusiastic about screenwriting and contrasts Charlie's serious approach.
Story Shape
Screenplay Story Analysis
Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
| Story Content | Character Development | Scene Elements | Audience Engagement | Technical Aspects | |||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Click for Full Analysis | Tone | Overall Grade | Concept | Plot | Originality Score | Characters | Character Changes | Internal Goal | External Goal | Conflict | Opposition | High stakes | Story forward | Twist | Emotional Impact | Dialogue | Engagement | Pacing | Formatting | Structure | |
| 1 - Reflections on Existence | Melancholic, Humorous, Reflective | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 2 - Wistful Reflections and Swamp Tensions | Melancholic, Suspenseful, Mysterious | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 3 - A Tense Lunch: The Battle of Adaptation | Anxious, Awkward, Self-conscious, Reflective | 8.3 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 4 - A Blooming Opportunity | Melancholic, Humorous, Reflective | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 5 - Orchids and Turtles: A Journey Through Nature and Aspirations | Reflective, Curious, Contemplative | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 6 - Unrequited Connections | Melancholic, Reflective, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 7 - The Perils of Orchid Hunting | Melancholic, Suspenseful, Fatalistic | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 8 - Confrontation and Reflection | Tense, Informative, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 9 - Reflections and Aspirations | Melancholic, Reflective, Humorous | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
| 10 - Orchids and Arguments | Tense, Humorous, Reflective | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 11 - Interrupted Inspiration | Tense, Sarcastic, Critical | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 12 - Legal Tensions and Defiant Quotes | Tense, Defiant, Inquisitive, Shy, Charming | 8.7 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 13 - Orchids and Isolation | Melancholic, Awkward, Lonely, Humiliated, Shy | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 14 - Orchid Dreams and Reckless Roads | Intense, Reflective, Informative | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 15 - Creative Interruptions | Introspective, Awkward, Lonely | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 16 - A Turtle's Purpose | Nostalgic, Yearning, Innocent | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7.5 | 4 | 8 | 3 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 17 - Fleeting Passions | Reflective, Melancholic, Nostalgic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 5 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 18 - Unrequited Obsession | Yearning, Loneliness, Awkwardness, Longing, Insecurity | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 19 - Nature's Obsession and Human Connection | Reflective, Introspective, Melancholic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 20 - Echoes of Isolation | Melancholic, Reflective, Introspective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 5 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 21 - Echoes of Isolation | Melancholic, Reflective, Introspective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 22 - From Misfortune to Opportunity | Reflective, Melancholic, Nostalgic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 23 - Struggles and Adaptations | Reflective, Introspective, Lonely | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 24 - Frustration and Distraction | Anxious, Reflective, Defiant, Humorous | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 25 - Echoes of Loss and Ambition | Dark, Reflective, Tragic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 26 - Creative Isolation | Self-doubt, Nervousness, Philosophical | 8.2 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 27 - Creative Divergence | Melancholic, Reflective, Introspective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 28 - Desires and Distractions in the Fakahatchee | Anxious, Reflective, Tense | 7.5 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 29 - Swamp Expectations | Tense, Reflective, Informative | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 30 - Myths and Disillusionment in the Swamp | Desperate, Reflective, Inquisitive | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 31 - Elusive Orchids and Unfulfilled Longings | Reflective, Melancholic, Contemplative | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
| 32 - Reckless Ambitions | Humorous, Reflective, Sarcastic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 33 - Conversations at the Edge | Reflective, Philosophical, Introspective | 8.5 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 3 | 8 | 2 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 34 - Self-Doubt and Screenwriting Struggles | Self-doubt, Disillusionment, Cynicism, Insecurity | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 35 - Dreams and Doubts | Introspective, Melancholic, Erotic, Reflective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 5 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 36 - Fleeting Desires | Reflective, Melancholic, Introspective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 37 - Passion in Transition | Introspective, Melancholic, Erotic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | |
| 38 - Creative Turmoil and Self-Discovery | Introspective, Emotional, Tense | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 39 - Reflections on Nature and Existence | Reflective, Melancholic, Philosophical | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 5 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 40 - Obsession and Self-Doubt | Introspective, Anxious, Emotional | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 41 - Self-Consumption | Introspective, Anxious, Self-reflective | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 42 - Dreams and Desires | Tense, Anxious, Reflective, Panicked | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 43 - Swamp Struggles and Urban Despair | Anxiety, Desperation, Obsession, Isolation | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 44 - Lost in the Swamp | Tense, Reflective, Anxious | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 45 - Struggles of Self-Doubt | Despair, Self-criticism, Anxiety | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 46 - Struggles of Self and Story | Melancholic, Introspective, Anxious | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 47 - Isolation in the Crowd | Introspective, Self-critical, Anxious, Defeated | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 48 - The Struggle for Originality | Serious, Humorous, Reflective | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 49 - Confrontation and Connection | Intense, Confrontational, Reflective | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 50 - Navigating Doubts | Intense, Reflective, Anxious | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 51 - Climactic Confusion | Introspective, Anxious, Melancholic | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 52 - Creative Tensions and Awkward Revelations | Humorous, Reflective, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 53 - Stealth and Song | Tense, Emotional, Reflective | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 54 - The Chase and the Heartbreak | Tense, Heartbroken, Nervous, Exotic | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | |
| 55 - A Dangerous Revelation | Tense, Suspenseful, Confrontational, Unsettling | 8.7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 56 - Tension in the Dawn | Tense, Reflective, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 57 - Passion and Obsession | Tense, Dark, Intense, Emotional | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 58 - Swamp Showdown | Tense, Menacing, Intense, Conflicted, Dark | 8.7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 59 - Swamp Pursuit and Tragic Rescues | Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful, Tragic | 9.2 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 60 - A Moment of Connection | Reflective, Introspective, Emotional, Philosophical | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
Scene 1 - Reflections on Existence
Endless barren landscape. No sign of life. The atmosphere
is hazy, toxic-looking. Volcanoes erupt. Meteors bombard.
Lightning strikes, concussing murky pools of water. Silence.
INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING
SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CA, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATER
Beamed ceilings and ostentatious fireplace. A few birthday
cards on the mantel, two of them identical: "To Our Dear Son
on His Fortieth Birthday." Charlie Kaufman, a fat, balding
man in a purple sweater with tags still attached, paces the
room. His incantational voice-over carpets the scene.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am old. I am fat. I am bald. My
toenails have turned strange. I am
repulsive. How repulsive? I don't know
for I suffer from a condition called Body
Dysmorphic Disorder. I am fat, but am I
as fat as I think? My therapist says no,
but people lie. I believe others call me
Fatty behind my back. Or Fatso. Or,
facetiously, Slim. But I also believe
this is simply my own perverted form of
self-aggrandizement, that no one really
talks about me at all. What possible
interest is an old, bald, fat man to
anyone? I am repulsive. I have never
lived. I blame myself. I --
EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - DAWN
A lonely two-lane highway cutting through swampland.
BRITISH NARRATOR
As natural selection works solely by and
for the good of each being, all corporeal
and mental endowments will tend to
progress towards perfection.
Suddenly, a beat-up white van barrels around a curve. It's
followed closely by an old green Ford.
SUBTITLE: STATE ROAD 29, FLORIDA, FIVE YEARS EARLIER
INT. WHITE VAN - CONTINUOUS
John Laroche drives. He's a skinny man with no front teeth.
The van is piled with bags of potting soil, gardening junk.
A Writings of Charles Darwin audio cassette case is on the
seat next to Laroche.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
BRITISH NARRATOR
It is interesting to contemplate an
entangled bank, clothed with many plants
of many kinds, with birds singing...
Laroche tries to contemplate the plants and birds whizzing
by. Almost too late, he spots the Fakahatchee Strand State
Preserve sign and makes a squealing right onto the dirt road
turn-off. The cassette case flies from the seat and half-
buries itself in an open bag of peat.
INT. GREEN FORD - CONTINUOUS
Nirvana blasts. Russell, Vinson, and Randy, three young
Indian men, pass a joint and watch the erratic van ahead.
RUSSELL
Laroche is asleep at the wheel.
RANDY
Crazy White Man is now Drowsy White Man.
They share a stoned laugh.
Ratings
Scene 2 - Wistful Reflections and Swamp Tensions
SUBTITLE: NEW YORK, TWO YEARS LATER
Late night street. The click-click of typing. We move
slowly up the building to the only glowing window.
ORLEAN (O.S.)
(wistful)
John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
stick, pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered and
sharply handsome despite the fact that he
is missing all his front teeth.
In the window, lit by a single desk lamp, a woman types.
INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
We glide over the desk piled with books about orchids, past a
photo of Laroche tacked to an overwhelmed bulletin board, and
come to rest on a woman typing. It's Susan Orlean: pale,
delicate and blond. We lose ourselves in her melancholy
beauty. She turns to the camera and talks to us.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
Two years ago I went to Florida to meet
Laroche after reading a small article
about a white man and three Seminole men
arrested with rare orchids they'd stolen
out of a place called the...
INT. RANGER'S TRUCK - MID-MORNING
Tony, a ranger, drives along a dirt road past the Fakahatchee
Strand State Preserve sign and enters the swamp. He sees the
white van and Ford parked ahead, spots a Seminole license
plate on the Ford. He pulls over down the road, and whispers
into his C.B.
TONY
We got a Seminole, or Seminoles, in the
swamp. I'm on Janes Scenic Drive just
east of Logging Road Twelve. I repeat,
Indians in the swamp.
Tony waits for a response. Nothing.
TONY (cont'd)
Indians in the swamp.
Nothing still. Tony clears his throat into the radio.
RADIO VOICE
I don't know what you want me to say.
TONY
Barry, Indians do not go on swamp walks.
If there are Indians in the swamp, they
are in there for a reason.
No response. Tony glowers, gets out of the truck, watches
the vehicles through binoculars. Nothing. He straightens
his cap. Mosquitoes land on his neck, his nose, his lips.
Ratings
Scene 3 - A Tense Lunch: The Battle of Adaptation
Kaufman, wearing his purple sweater sans tags, sits with
Valerie, an attractive woman in wire-rim glasses. They pick
at salads. Kaufman steals glances at her lips, her hair, her
breasts. She looks up at him. He blanches, looks away.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I'm old. I'm bald. I'm repulsive.
VALERIE
We think you're just great.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
(with studied modesty)
Oh, thank you.
Valerie absently rubs her nose. Kaufman self-consciously
rubs his nose in response.
VALERIE
And we're thrilled you're interested.
Valerie rubs her nose again. Kaufman pulls at his nostril.
A rivulet of sweat slides down his forehead. Valerie watches
it. Kaufman sees her watching it. She sees him seeing her
watching it. She looks at her salad. He quickly swabs.
KAUFMAN
Oh, thanks, wow. That's nice to hear.
VALERIE
You have a really unique voice.
KAUFMAN
Well, thanks. That's... I appreciate
that.
VALERIE
Very talented. Really.
KAUFMAN
Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.
VALERIE
(looking up)
So --
Kaufman's brow is dripping again. He smiles, embarrassed.
KAUFMAN
Sort of hot in here.
VALERIE
(kindly)
Yeah, it is a bit. So, why don't you
tell me your thoughts on this crazy
little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. There's a
smiling author photo of Susan Orlean on the inside back
cover.
KAUFMAN
And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating.
Plus her musings on Florida, orchid
poaching. Indians. Great, sprawling New
Yorker stuff. I'd want to remain true to
that, let the movie exist rather than be
artificially plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I'm not sure exactly yet
either. So... y'know, it's...
VALERIE
Oh. Okay. Great. So, um, what --
KAUFMAN
It's just, I don't want to compromise by
making it a Hollywood product. An orchid
heist movie. Or changing the orchids
into poppies and turning it into a movie
about drug running. Y'know?
VALERIE
Oh, of course. We agree. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Or cramming in sex, or car chases, or
guns. Or characters learning profound
life lessons. Or characters growing or
characters changing or characters
learning to like each other or characters
overcoming obstacles to succeed in the
end. Y'know? Movie shit.
Kaufman is sweating like crazy now. Valerie is quiet for a
moment.
VALERIE
See, we thought maybe Susan Orlean and
Laroche could fall in love during the
course of --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
KAUFMAN
Alienated journalist writes about
passionate backwoods guy and he teaches
her to love. I mean, it didn't happen,
it wouldn't happen. It's Hollywood.
Ratings
Scene 4 - A Blooming Opportunity
SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, THREE WEEKS EARLIER
The office is decorated with potted flowers, Audobon posters,
lots of books. Kaufman, nervous and sweaty, watches
Margaret, a soulful development executive, unpack boxes.
KAUFMAN
So anyway I just wanted to stop by to
congratulate you on your promotion.
MARGARET
Well, thanks again. It's all so stupid.
KAUFMAN
I think it's great. Your photo in the
trades and everything. Pretty cool.
MARGARET
Anyway. Yeah. So what's up with you?
KAUFMAN
I'm considering jobs. Mostly crap.
There's one you might like, about
flowers.
MARGARET
Flowers? Really? What is it?
KAUFMAN
They want me to do an adaptation of a
book called The Orchid Thief.
MARGARET
Oh my God! You're kidding? I read that!
I loved that book!
Kaufman is thrilled; he's scored. Margaret pulls a copy of
The Orchid Thief from her bookshelf.
MARGARET (cont'd)
See, see, see! I'm not lying to you!
KAUFMAN
I loved the book.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MARGARET
Oh, Charlie, orchids are the most amazing
flowers. So complex.
Margaret plops onto the couch next to Kaufman.
KAUFMAN
I know. They're really great.
MARGARET
You should take this job. Doesn't it
sound exciting, to immerse yourself in a
real subject and learn everything about
it? Blake wrote about seeing heaven in a
wild flower. And after you learn all
this stuff, you can teach me!
KAUFMAN
(thrilled but controlled)
That'd be fun.
MARGARET
God, they're such beautiful flowers. And
so sexy. Y'know?
(whispering)
Did you know that orchid means --
KAUFMAN
Testicle. I just read that.
MARGARET
(shrieks with delight)
Testicle! Can you believe it!
Margaret giggles happily. Kaufman giggles weirdly.
MARGARET (cont'd)
I swear, it'd be fucking great for
someone to have the testicles to make
that book into a movie, man. Instead of
this bullshit all the time. Something
not about sex and violence and car chases
and love stories, people learning
profound lessons. Jesus, isn't nature
enough?
Ratings
Scene 5 - Orchids and Turtles: A Journey Through Nature and Aspirations
Hot, dirty, miserable. Laroche leads the Indians through
waist-high black water. He points out a turtle on a rock.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
Pseudemys floridana. Did you fellas know
you fellas believe the world rests on the
back of a turtle? Not you fellas
specifically. Although, maybe you fellas
specifically. That I can't speak to.
The Indians ignore him. They trudge. Laroche spots
something else, a dull green root wrapped around a tree. He
stops, circles the tree. His eyes widen in reverent awe.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
A ghost. Polyrrhiza Lindenii.
The Indians come around. Laroche stares at a single
beautiful, glowing white flower hanging from the tree. He
tenderly caresses the petals. Then, business-like:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Cut it down, Russell.
Russell pulls out a hacksaw, begins sawing through the tree.
INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAY
Kaufman still sweats as he talks to Valerie.
KAUFMAN
...plus I love the idea of learning all
about orchids. I really admire those
guys who know everything about ants or
fungus or whatever. I'd like to be more
like that. See, I tend to write self-
involved, self-loathing... even
masturbatory stuff.
VALERIE
And it's wonderful, by the way.
KAUFMAN
Thanks. That's nice to hear. But I need
to challenge myself as a writer. I've
arrived at an age where I want to think
about the world in a different way.
VALERIE
Adapting someone else's work is certainly
an opportunity to think differently.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
Yes. And I welcome the challenge of
taking a small subject, like orchids,
something that would never draw people
into a theater and making that
fascinating. I want to show people
heaven in a wildflower. As Blake wrote.
INT. PET STORE (1972) - DAY
SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TWENTY-SIX YEARS EARLIER
A serious ten year old boy walks from cage to aquarium,
studying the inhabitants. He turns to his frumpy mother,
who's been following at a respectful distance.
BOY
Any one at all, ma?
She nods sweetly. The boy returns to his search. He stops
at a small turtle in an aquarium.
BOY (cont'd)
I want this then.
MOTHER
(hugging him)
A wonderful choice! And spiritually
significant! Did you know that Native
Americans believe the whole world rests
on the back of a turtle?
BOY
Cool! I can't wait to tell the guys.
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING
As Laroche supervises, Randy, Russell, and Vinson saw through
tree branches supporting lovely flowering orchids. They
unceremoniously stuff the flowers into bulging pillowcases.
Ratings
Scene 6 - Unrequited Connections
Kaufman eats with Margaret. Margaret raises a glass.
MARGARET
To a fucking awesome assignment, man.
Kaufman, pleased, clicks glasses. He takes a breath.
KAUFMAN
Hey, I'm going to an orchid show Sunday?
For research? Maybe you'll come?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MARGARET
Absolutely. I think David, this guy I'm
seeing, would enjoy it, too. He's a real
naturalist. Okay if he comes along?
KAUFMAN
(covering heartbreak)
Yeah, of course. Sure.
MARGARET
He wants to meet you anyway. All I do is
tell him how great you are.
KAUFMAN
Oh, thanks. That's nice to hear.
MARGARET
You'll like him. He's so honest and
smart. It's rare to find someone in this
town who thinks about things other than
this fucking business, y'know?
KAUFMAN
Yeah. That's great. He sounds great.
MARGARET
Like the other day we were in bed
discussing Hegel. Hegel! In bed! It
was fucking amazing. Have you read much?
KAUFMAN
Y'know, a long time ago. A bit. Y'know.
MARGARET
Well, anyway, David and I were discussing
his Philosophy of History and I was...
The entrees arrive.
MARGARET (cont'd)
... struck by his notion that history is
a human construct...
Kaufman begins the laborious task of getting through his
plate of food. He can no longer look up at Margaret.
KAUFMAN
Yeah.
MARGARET
... that nature doesn't exist
historically, but rather cyclically.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
MARGARET (cont'd)
So whereas human history spirals forward,
building upon itself, nature...
INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAY
Kaufman pulls a bunch of orchid books off the shelf, carries
them to the register, along with a book on Hegel, which
features an engraving of the philosopher on the cover.
Kaufman waits in line and watches the tattooed female cashier
flirting with the handsome guy ahead of him. He studies
their interaction, the way she looks at him. Her eyes, her
lips. The guy leaves and the cashier waves Kaufman over. As
she rings him up, she expresses no interest in him. He's
hurt and fixates on a sexy flower tattoo on her arm. She
catches him, pulls down her sleeve.
Ratings
Scene 7 - The Perils of Orchid Hunting
Tony waits, sweaty and mosquito bitten. The radio crackles.
RADIO VOICE
How's that Injun round-up going, Tony?
TONY
Fuck you, Barry, you fuckin'...
Rustling near the parked cars. Tony tenses. Laroche steps
from the swamp with the Indians, who haul the pillowcases.
TONY (cont'd)
We got poachers.
(into the radio, pleased)
We got fuckin' poachers, Barry. Ha!
Tony jumps into the truck and turns it around.
INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Orlean types. Her delicate fingers move with a pianist's
grace across the computer keyboard.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Orchid hunting is a mortal occupation.
EXT. TROPICAL RIVER - DAY
SUBTITLE: ORINOCO RIVER, ONE HUNDRED YEARS EARLIER
An overturned boat and uprooted orchids float on the river.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
The Victorian-era orchid hunter William
Arnold drowned on a collecting
expedition.
EXT. CLIFF - DAY
SUBTITLE: SIERRA LEONE
A man lies at the bottom of a cliff, clutching a flower.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Schroeder fell to his death.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
SUBTITLE: RIO HACHA
A man lies face down near an unplucked orchid.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Endres was shot dead in Rio Hacha.
EXT. RIVER - DAY
SUBTITLE: YANGTZE RIVER
An emaciated, limping, wheezing man with a makeshift bandage
wrapped around his head, docks his boat.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Augustus Margary survived toothache,
rheumatism, pleurisy, and dysentery...
Someone steps from behind a bush, stabs him, steals his boat.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
... only to be murdered when he completed
his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo.
The murderer sails down river.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
Laroche loved orchids but I came to
believe he loved the difficulty and
fatality of getting them almost as much
as he loved the orchids themselves.
Ratings
Scene 8 - Confrontation and Reflection
Tony steps out of his truck. Laroche smiles warmly.
TONY
Morning. May I ask what you gentlemen
have in those pillowcases?
LAROCHE
Yes, sir, you absolutely may.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche goes back to directing the Indians. Tony's confused.
TONY
Okay, I'm asking then.
LAROCHE
Oh, Okay then! Let's see...
(peeking in bags)
Five kinds of bromeliad, one peperomia,
nine orchid varieties. About a hundred
and thirty plants all told, which my
colleagues have removed from the swamp.
TONY
You're aware that it's illegal to remove
plants or animals from state owned land?
LAROCHE
And don't forget these plants are all
endangered, sir. Every one of them.
TONY
Exactly. Well, that's exactly the issue.
This is a state preserve.
LAROCHE
Yes, sir, it is.
(afterthought)
Oh, and my colleagues are all Seminole
Indians. Did I mention that? You're
familiar, I'm sure, with the State of
Florida v. James E. Billie.
Tony nods, even though he has no idea.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
So you know that even though Seminole
Chief Billie killed a Florida panther,
one of, what, forty in the entire world?
Laroche looks to the Indians for confirmation. They give it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
The state couldn't successfully prosecute
him. Because he's an Indian and it's his
right. As repugnant as you or I as white
conservationists might find his actions.
TONY
But --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
LAROCHE
Not to mention the failed attempts on
three separate occasions to prosecute
Seminoles for poaching palm fronds,
which, I believe, they use to thatch the
roofs of their traditional chickee huts.
Laroche again looks to the Indians for confirmation.
RUSSELL
He's right. That's exactly what we use
them for. Chickee huts.
Tony looks at the Indians.
RANDY
Yeah.
VINSON
Yeah.
RUSSELL
Yeah.
TONY
Yeah, but I don't... I can't let you
fellas go yet. Just hold on while I...
(into radio)
Hey, Barry, can I get some help? Barry?
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
We watch Orlean as she drives out of the Miami Airport
parking lot, onto the freeway, past congestion and
billboards. Her mournful face glows beautifully,
dramatically with golden sunlight. She talks to us.
ORLEAN
Nothing in Florida seems hard or
permanent. The developed places are just
little clearings in the jungle, but the
jungle is unstoppably fertile, everything
is always growing or expanding. At the
same time, the wilderness disappears
before your eyes.
Orlean gets quiet. Her eyes tear.
EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - DAY
SUBTITLE: AKRON, OHIO, THIRTY YEARS EARLIER
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Lush color. A seven year old girl is gleeful as her parents
push her on a swing. She watches from the air as her mother
and father, deeply in love, kiss between pushes.
Ratings
Scene 9 - Reflections and Aspirations
Kaufman gets out of his car with his books. Two teenage
girls walk by. Kaufman watches as one whispers to the other.
He thinks he hears the word "Fatso." The girls giggle.
INT. EMPTY HOUSE - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER
Kaufman passes a hall mirror, regards himself glumly, and
climbs the stairs.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am fat. I am repulsive. I cannot bear
my own reflection.
At the landing Kaufman comes upon Donald, his identical twin
brother, on his back in pajama bottoms, opening a gift box.
DONALD
Did you open your present from mom yet?
KAUFMAN
What's with you?
DONALD
My back.
Kaufman nods vaguely, continues down the hall. Donald pulls
a purple sweater from the box, calls after Kaufman.
DONALD (cont'd)
Hey, Charles, you'll be glad, I have a
plan to get me out of your house pronto.
KAUFMAN
A job is a plan. Is your plan a job?
DONALD
(big build up)
I'm gonna be a screenwriter! Like you!
Kaufman doesn't respond, enters his bedroom.
DONALD (cont'd)
I know you think this is just one of my
get-rich-quick schemes. But I'm doing it
right this time. I'm taking a seminar!
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Kaufman lies face down on his mattress on the floor.
DONALD (O.S.)
It's only five hundred bucks!
KAUFMAN
(muffled by pillow)
Screenwriting seminars are bullshit.
Kaufman pulls a copy of Variety, open to a photo of Margaret,
from under his pillow. He gets lost in the picture.
DONALD (O.S.)
In theory I agree with you. But this one
is highly regarded within the industry.
KAUFMAN
Donald, don't say "industry."
Donald, now in the sweater, appears on all fours in the
doorway. Kaufman puts the paper back under his pillow.
DONALD
I'm sorry, I forgot. Charles, this guy
knows screenwriting. People from all
over come to study his method. I'll pay
you back, man. As soon as I sell --
KAUFMAN
Let me explain something to you.
DONALD
Yeah, okay.
KAUFMAN
Anybody who says he's got "the answer" is
going to attract desperate people. Be it
in the world of religion --
DONALD
(indicating his back)
I just need to lie down while you explain
this to me. Sorry. I apologize.
(lies down, stares at ceiling)
Okay, go ahead. Sorry. Okay. Go.
KAUFMAN
There are no rules to follow, Donald, and
anybody who says there are, is just --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
DONALD
Not rules, principles. McKee writes:
"A rule says, you must do it this way. A
principle says, this works... and has
through all remembered time."
KAUFMAN
The script I'm starting, it's about
flowers. No one's ever done a movie
about flowers before. So, there're no
guidelines, and that's good because --
DONALD
What about Flowers for Algernon?
KAUFMAN
That's not about flowers. And it's not a
movie.
DONALD
Oh, okay, I never saw it. Go ahead.
KAUFMAN
My point is, those teachers are dangerous
if your goal is to do something new. And
a writer should always have that goal.
Writing is a journey into the unknown.
It's not building a model airplane.
Donald stares at the ceiling, fuming. Kaufman waits.
Getting no no response, he pulls out his Hegel book and
reads:
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Each being is, because posited, an op-
posited, a conditional and conditioning,
the Understanding completes these its
limitations by positing the opposite...
Kaufman's head is spinning. He puts the book down. Both
brothers stare at the ceiling. Donald finally speaks
DONALD
McKee is a former Fulbright scholar. Are
you a former Fulbright scholar, Charles?
INT. KITCHEN (1972) - EVENING
The young boy eats with his family. His father wears a
backbrace, his sister is weak and anemic. Only his sweet
mother pays attention as he chatters excitedly.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
BOY
Turtles are of the order Testudine!
MOTHER
Really? Testudine?
BOY
Yeah. And they're found on every
continent! Except Antarptica!
MOTHER
Antarctica. Every continent, huh?
BOY
Uh-huh. The turtle shell has remained
unchanged for two hundred million years!
And there's all different kinds, Pelusio
gabonensis, Phyrnops rufipes, Chitra
indica, Dermochelys coriacea coriacea...
Ratings
Scene 10 - Orchids and Arguments
Ranger, sheriff, and state police cars are parked near the
van and Ford. Lots of sweating, uniformed people. The
pillowcases have been emptied, the plants lie on black
plastic sheets. A guy sprinkles water on them. Laroche
enthusiastically helps Ranger Mike Owen catalogue the
flowers. The Indians lean against their car, bored and
smoking. Nirvana seeps tinnily out the car window.
LAROCHE
... and what we have here, my friend, is
... thirteen Encyclia Cochleata... four
Encyclia Tampensis --
MIKE OWEN
I'm sorry, Encyclia what?
LAROCHE
(pointing to each)
Coch-le-ata. Tem-pen-sis.
(checks Owen's spelling)
Okay, let's see, twenty-two Epidendrum
Nocturnum. A very good haul. Two
Catopsi Floribunda. Three Polyrrhiza
Lindenii, the ghost orchid. What I
really came for. These sweeties grow
nowhere in the U.S. except in your swamp.
MIKE OWEN
That true? Boy, you really know your
plants, Mr. Laroche.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
Yeah. I do. I'm one of the world's
foremost experts. But that'll all be
revealed at the hearing.
INT. EMPTY DINING ROOM - DAY
Kaufman sits at a card table, picking at a salad and reading
an orchid book. Donald lies on the floor, chomping a hoagie
and reading a copy of Story by Robert McKee.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient
family of perennial plants with...
Kaufman, bored, looks over at Donald, whose cheeks are
stuffed with food.
DONALD (V.O.)
The most memorable, fascinating
characters tend to have not only a
conscious but an unconscious desire.
Although these characters are unaware of
their subconscious need...
KAUFMAN
Maybe you should watch what you eat,
Donald. Did you ever consider maybe
you're a bit fat? Does it ever occur to
you, you kind of represent me in the
world? That people look at you and
think, he's Charlie's twin, therefore
that's what Charlie must look like?
DONALD
By the way, mom's paying for the seminar.
KAUFMAN
Did you even hear what I said?
DONALD
Yeah. Anyway. I pitched mom my
screenplay --
KAUFMAN
Jesus, don't say "pitch."
DONALD
Sorry. Anyway, she loved my... telling
of my story to her. She said it's like
"Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
Hey, maybe you and mom could collaborate.
I hear she's really good with structure.
DONALD
You think you're so superior, Charles.
Well, I'm really gonna write this. And
you'll see. And, and... you suck, okay?
The two glare at each other. They go back to their books.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Florida is a landscape of transition...
DONALD (V.O.)
Do not proliferate characters; do not
multiply locations. Rather than
hopscotching through time, space, and
people, discipline yourself to a
reasonably contained cast and world...
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
Orlean drives on State Road 29, past prefab housing, into
swampland. She talks to us.
ORLEAN
Florida is a landscape of transition and
mutation, a hybrid of unruliness and
orderliness, nature and artifice.
She brushes a wisp of hair from her face and tucks it behind
her small, pretty ear. We linger on the ear, which grows
pink with sunlight. Orlean catches us and smiles shyly.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY
Kaufman traces a stubby, nail-bitten finger along State Road
29 along a Florida road map. He turns to his typewriter, and
types in a clumsy hunt-and-peck style.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
We open on State Road 29. A lonely
stretch of road cutting through untamed
swampland. Suddenly a beat-up white van
barrels around a curve. It's driver: a
skinny man with no front teeth...
INT. COURT ROOM - DAY
The proceedings are in progress. Orlean hurries in, sits in
the back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche, in a Miami Hurricanes cap, wrap-around Mylar
sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt, is on the stand. Alan
Lerner, the tribe's lawyer, questions him.
LERNER
Finally, Mr. Laroche, what is your
experience in the area of horticulture?
LAROCHE
Okay, I've been a professional
horticulturist for twelve years. I've
owned a plant nursery of my own which was
destroyed by the hurricane. I'm a
professional plant lecturer. I've given
at least sixty lectures on the
cultivation of plants. I'm a published
author, both in magazine and book form.
I have extensive experience with orchids,
and the asexual micropropagation of
orchids under aseptic cultures. This is
laboratory work, not at all like your
nursery work.
(grins)
I'm probably the smartest person I know.
LERNER
Thank you.
LAROCHE
You're very welcome.
Ratings
Scene 11 - Interrupted Inspiration
As she rings up his books, Kaufman admires the cashier's
flower tattoo. She catches him and smiles with red, wet,
pierced lips. She unbuttons her blouse and shows him a breast
with a heart tattoo. A sweet heartbeat turns to knocking.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman, in bed masturbating, looks up at the closed door.
KAUFMAN
What?!
The door opens. Donald stands there for a moment in shadows.
DONALD
Look, you wanna hear my pitch, or what?
KAUFMAN
Go away. God damn it.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
DONALD
(lost)
Y'know, I'm just trying to do something.
Kaufman squints at his brother, sits up, waits.
DONALD (CONT'D)
Hey, thanks a lot, man. Cool.
(flicks on light, then in pitch
mode:)
Okay, there's this serial killer, right --
Kaufman groans, lies down, pulls the covers over his face.
DONALD (CONT'D)
No, wait. See, he's being hunted by a
cop. And he's taunting the cop, right?
Sending clues who his next victim is.
He's already holding her hostage in his
creepy basement. So the cop gets
obsessed with figuring out her identity,
and in the process he falls in love with
her. Even though he's never even met
her. She becomes, like, the
unattainable, like the Holy Grail.
KAUFMAN
(through a blanket)
It's a little obvious, don't you think?
DONALD
Okay, but there's a twist. See, we find
out the killer suffers from multiple
personality disorder. Okay? See, he's
really also the cop and the girl. All of
them. It's all him! Isn't that crazy?
Donald waits, proud. Kaufman pulls off the covers.
KAUFMAN
Look, the only idea more overused than
serial killers, is multiple personality.
On top of that you explore the notion
that cop and criminal are really two
aspects of the same person. See every
cop movie ever made for other examples of
this.
DONALD
Mom called it psychologically taut.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
KAUFMAN
The other thing is, there's no way to
write this. Did you consider that? I
mean, how exactly would you show a
character holding himself hostage?
DONALD
Trick photography?
KAUFMAN
Okay, that's not what I'm asking. What
I'm asking is in the reality of this
movie, if there's only one character,
right?... Okay? How could you... What
exactly would the scene... How...
Donald waits blankly. Kaufman gives up, gets out of bed,
dresses.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
I agree with mom. Very taut. Sybil
meets.. I dunno, something very taut.
Kaufman exits.
Ratings
Scene 12 - Legal Tensions and Defiant Quotes
Orlean exits the courthouse and watches Laroche in a huddle
with Lerner, Vinson, and Buster Baxley, vice-president of the
tribe's business operations. They're all smoking intently.
LAROCHE
They're gonna fucking crucify me.
BAXLEY
I'll go into the Fakahatchee with a
chainsaw. I swear to God.
LERNER
Buster, for crying out loud, I reminded
her the Indians used to own Fakahatchee.
Look, we'll deal with all this at trial.
Buster waves a dismissive hand at Lerner, walks away. Vinson
shrugs, stubs his cigarette, follows Buster. Lerner and
Laroche stand there a moment. Lerner walks off. Laroche
cracks his neck. A charmingly shy Orlean approaches.
ORLEAN
Mr. Laroche?
Orlean smiles, apologetic for the intrusion.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (CONT'D)
My name's Susan Orlean, I'm a writer for
the New Yorker. It's a maga --
LAROCHE
I'm familiar with the New Yorker. The
New Yorker, yes, the New Yorker. Right?
ORLEAN
Right. So I was interested in doing a
piece about your situation down here.
Laroche scowls, smokes furiously, then, a test:
LAROCHE
Yeah? Put this in: I don't care what
goes on here. I'm right, and I'll take
this all the way to the Supreme Court.
That judge can screw herself.
Orlean scribbles on her pad. Laroche twists his head to see
that she's writing "Judge can screw herself."
LAROCHE (cont'd)
That for real would go in?
Orlean nods. Laroche smiles his toothless smile at Orlean.
Ratings
Scene 13 - Orchids and Isolation
MUSIC: lush, profound orchestral piece.
A glorious orange, large-petalled orchid blooms in dramatic
time-lapse. We slowly, lovingly circle the flower.
SENSUOUS FEMALE NARRATOR
The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient
family of perennial plants with one
fertile stamen and a three petalled
flower. In most orchid species, one petal
is enlarged into a lip and is the most
conspicuous part of the flower.
INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY
Kaufman, in a booth, reads his orchid book, takes notes.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient...
He's bored, looks up, watches a waitress with glorious,
orange hair, pouty lips, soulful eyes, and a voluptuous form
turning slowly around, scanning her station.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
She sees Kaufman, approaches, and smiles warmly down at him.
Her badge reads: Alice, Arcadia, CA. Kaufman sweats.
ALICE
So what looks good today?
KAUFMAN
Um. Hi. Thank you. The key lime pie,
please. A small slice. I'm watching
my... And a coffee, please. Skim milk.
ALICE
(sees book)
Orchids! I absolutely love orchids.
He goes blank.
KAUFMAN
Yes. They're really great.
He flinches at his response. A small awkward pause.
ALICE
So, I'll be right back with your pie.
She smiles warmly again and leaves. Kaufman is humiliated.
EXT. ORCHID SHOW - DAY
Alice the waitress and Kaufman walk hand-in-hand, inspecting
sexy orchids together. She smiles warmly at him.
ALICE
(I love you)
I absolutely love orchids.
INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman finishes jerking off. He lies lonely in the dark.
INT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - EVENING
Dark and muted. The seven year old girl is pushed on the
swing by her father. From the air she sees her mother, tiny
and lost, sitting across the yard smoking.
Ratings
Scene 14 - Orchid Dreams and Reckless Roads
Orlean leans against a car and smokes. A tiny, lost figure.
There's a honk. Orlean snaps out of her reverie to see
Laroche screeching to a stop in his banged-up van.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
(to camera)
A few days after the hearing, Laroche
took me to an orchid show in Miami.
She opens the passenger door.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
Hi. Thanks for picking --
LAROCHE
I want you to know this van is a piece of
shit. When I hit the jackpot, I'll buy
myself an awesome car, maybe an Aurora.
Orlean nods, climbs in, and tries to rearrage some of the
junk on the front seat so she'll have a place to sit.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Sit on top of that. You won't hurt it.
She situates herself on the seat. Laroche lurches off.
INT. VAN - DAY
Laroche drives manically. Orlean watches the road and holds
one hand against the dashboard.
LAROCHE
The thing you gotta know is my whole life
is looking for a goddamn profitable
plant. And that's the ghost.
ORLEAN
Why the ghost orchid?
LAROCHE
The sucker's rare. Collectors covet what
is not available. I'm the only one in
the world who knows how to cultivate it.
He looks at her and smiles. Orlean smiles back and
indicates, with a small jerk of the head, that he might want
to watch the road. He doesn't take the hint.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
The plan was, get the Indians to pull it
from the swamp. I researched it. As
long as I don't touch the plants, Florida
can't touch us. Then I'd clone hundreds
of them babies in my lab, sell 'em, and
make the Seminoles a shitload of change.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
In handwriting made jerky by the bouncing van, Orlean writes
"shitload of change" on her notepad.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
And I stop future poaching by making the
flowers readily available in stores.
Then I give a big speech at the trial
about how the legislature should get rid
of loopholes smart people like me can
find. I'm a hero. The flowers are
saved. Laroche and nature win.
EXT. SWAMP - DAY
Old black and white footage, taken from up high, of two 19th
century men leading a horse drawn cart full of poached
orchids.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Men from Florida dominated the orchid
hunting scene. Hunters in the
Fakahatchee hauled out thousands of
orchids in horse-drawn flatbed carts.
The camera swoops down, close to the men. As it does, the
image transforms. It turns to color, the men become
mannequins, the horse becomes papier-mache: it's a display.
A live man in modern work clothes is arranging actual orchids
in the cardboard cart.
Ratings
Scene 15 - Creative Interruptions
Kaufman drives slowly past Barnes and Noble, squints in the
window, sees the tattooed cashier. He passes Burger King,
sees a pretty employee, the same at Starbucks. Glassed-in
women on display, different types, different attitudes.
Kaufman stops in front of the California Pizza Kitchen.
Alice and her orange hair glow through the window. He
hesitates, then drives off.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNING
Kaufman sits on the floor and types.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
A beautiful orange orchid blooms in time-
lapse --
Donald enters. Kaufman ignores him, continues typing.
Donald dawdles, picks up The Orchid Thief, flips through it.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
The camera circles it, revealing how
lovely and perfect and sweet and inviting
and delicate and...
DONALD
Cool.
KAUFMAN
What do you want, Donald?
DONALD
Nothing. I just read about that Swamp
Ape that supposedly lives in the swamp?
Like bigfoot? You should put that in
your script, like, killing people or
something. That'd be very, very cool.
KAUFMAN
Why are you in here now?
DONALD
Nothing, I was just... Oh, one thing, I
need a cool way to kill people. Don't
worry! For my script! Ha ha!
Kaufman stares at Donald, rubs his eyes, then:
KAUFMAN
Um, okay, killer's a literature professor
who cuts off little chunks of his
victims' bodies until they die. He'd be
known in the tabloids as "The
Deconstructionist."
DONALD
That's kinda good. I like that.
KAUFMAN
See, I was kidding, Donald.
DONALD
Oh, okay. Sorry. You got me! Heh-heh.
Do you mind if I use it, though?
Ratings
Scene 16 - A Turtle's Purpose
There are now many turtles in aquariums. Many turtle books
and posters. The boy, in a turtle T-shirt, looks out the
window into the darkness. His eyes are troubled.
INT. LIVING ROOM (1972) - CONTINUOUS
The boy comes downstairs. His father, in his backbrace,
watches TV; his sister lies on the couch, semi-conscious,
more pale than before. His mother pats the girl's head with
a damp cloth. There's a little Hindu altar with candles.
MOTHER
(praying softly)
For certain is death for the born/And
certain is birth for the dead/Therefore
over the inevitable/Thou shouldst not
grieve. Sweet, sweet Diane.
The boy surveys the sad scene. His mother looks up, smiles.
MOTHER (CONT'D)
A slice of pie for my turtle expert?
The boy beams with pride, then gets solemn.
BOY
Mom, there's something I feel I have to
do. I don't know how to do this, but I
feel in my stomach that I have to.
MOTHER
What do you have to do, honey?
BOY
Collect one of every turtle in the world.
(beat)
It's a long list, ma. Cuora
galbinifrons, Graptemys versa, Callagur
borneoensis, all the Galapagos species,
people think there's only one, but that's
hardly the case. Cycloderma frenatum,
Cuora pani...
(sighs)
I don't think my life is worth living if
I can't do this.
The boy and his mother look at each other.
MOTHER
Well, we'd better get started, huh, baby?
The boy nods his head solemnly.
Ratings
Scene 17 - Fleeting Passions
Laroche drives, solemnly nodding his head. Orlean studies
him for a moment, her sad eyes wet and glistening.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
Wow, that's some story. So how many
turtles did you end up collecting?
LAROCHE
(matter-of-fact)
Oh, I lost interest right after that.
ORLEAN
Oh.
LAROCHE
I dropped turtles when I fell in love
with Ice Age fossils. Learned everything
about them. Collected the shit out of
'em. Fossils were the only thing made
any sense to me in this fucking world.
Y'know?
They drive in silence. Orlean watches a flying heron.
LAROCHE (CONT'D)
Then fossils were over when I found
lapidary, which I just adored.
ORLEAN
Okay, now what is lap --
LAROCHE
Ditched lapidary for resilvering old
mirrors. Did that with my mom for a
while. We had the largest collection of
19th Century Dutch mirrors on the planet.
Perhaps you read about us. Mirror World
October '88? I have a copy somewhere...
Laroche fishes through junk as he drives.
ORLEAN
So, did you ever miss the turtles? The
only thing that made you ten year old
life worth living?
LAROCHE
I'll tell you a story. I once fell
deeply, profoundly in love with tropical
fish. I had sixty goddamn fish tanks in
my house. I'd skin-dive to find just the
right ones. Anisotremus virginicus,
Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon
capistratus. You name it. Then one day
I say, fuck fish. I renounce fish.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
LAROCHE (cont'd)
I vow to never set foot in the ocean
again, that's how much fuck fish. That
was seventeen years ago and I have never
since stuck so much as a toe into that
ocean. And I love the ocean!
ORLEAN
(beat)
But why?
LAROCHE
(shrugs)
Done with fish.
Ratings
Scene 18 - Unrequited Obsession
Kaufman sits in silence across from his female therapist.
THERAPIST
So --
KAUFMAN
I'm still obsessed with that girl.
THERAPIST
The Burger King girl? Dimples and sparkly
eyes?
KAUFMAN
California Pizza Kitchen.
THERAPIST
Oh. Red hair and nice? Likes orchids?
KAUFMAN
Yeah. She's really nice. I feel pretty
certain she likes me maybe.
THERAPIST
So do you think you'll talk to this one?
INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY
Kaufman, hair combed, sits nervously in a booth, watching
Alice. He tenses as she comes up to him. She smiles warmly.
KAUFMAN
Hi!
ALICE
Hey! Some key lime pie for ya today?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
(thrilled she remembered)
Okay, yeah! That sounds great! Yeah!
ALICE
I'll pick you out an extra large piece.
Preferred customer.
She winks at him. He's so in love.
KAUFMAN
Thank you. That's really sweet of you.
ALICE
Still reading about orchids, I hope.
KAUFMAN
Yes, I am, in fact! Beautiful flowers.
ALICE
A friend of mine has a pretty little pink
one, grows right on a tree branch.
KAUFMAN
That's what's called an epiphyte.
ALICE
(pointing at him excitedly)
Right! Boy, you know your stuff, huh?
KAUFMAN
Not really. I'm just learning.
Epiphytes grow on trees, but they're not
parasites. They get all their
nourishment from the air and rain.
ALICE
Well, I'm impressed. That's great.
Awkward pause.
KAUFMAN
There are more than thirty thousand kinds
of orchids in the world.
ALICE
Wow, that's a lot, huh? Okay, then, so
I'll be right back with a nice big slice
of key lime pie for my orchid expert.
He beams. She smiles and turns to leave. Kaufman blurts:
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
KAUFMAN
But, so, anyway, I was also wondering...
Alice turns back, still smiling.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
I'm going up to this orchid show on
Saturday in Santa Barbara and I --
Alice's smile slips away. Her warmth dissipates.
ALICE
Oh, um, well --
KAUFMAN
I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry.
ALICE
(nodding)
So I'll be right back with your pie then.
He nods, watches Alice walk away and say something to another
waitress. The other waitress looks over at him. He sweats.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am fat. I am old. I am repulsive.
The other waitress brings his pie. He smiles a thank you.
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - MORNING
Orlean sits at her desk and talks to us.
ORLEAN
There are more than thirty thousand known
orchid species. One species looks like a
German shepherd...
EXT. SANTA BARBARA ORCHID SHOW - DAY
Kaufman walks alone among the crowd of orchid enthusiasts,
past a Santa Barbara Orchid Society sign. He tries to study
the flowers. They are dull. He forces himself to look.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
... one looks like an onion, one looks
like an octopus. One looks...
Kaufman finds his attention drifting from orchids to women:
all different shapes, colors, personalities, some in subtle
clothing, some in garish clothing, all glowing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
... like a school teacher, one looks like
a gymnast, one looks like a Midwestern
beauty queen, one looks like a New York
intellectual with whom you'd do the
Sunday Times crossword puzzle in bed.
One looks like that girl in high school
with creamy skin. One has eyes that
dance. One has eyes that contain the
sadness of the world.
He is sick with adoration for the women, who pay him no mind.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
Nothing in science can account for the
way some people feel about orchids.
Those love them, love them madly.
One by one the women turn to the men they're with: a whisper
in the ear, a shared look, an arm slipped through an arm.
Kaufman is alone in this sea of people and flowers.
Ratings
Scene 19 - Nature's Obsession and Human Connection
Teenaged Laroche and his mother tromp through the swamp. He
carries a camera on a tripod. They spot a beautiful flower.
Laroche is in awe.
TEENAGED LAROCHE
Encyclia tempensis. The butterfly.
Laroche sets up the tripod, focuses on the flower. His
mother almost cries at the flower's beauty.
MOTHER
"You will find something more in woods
than in books. Trees and stones will
teach you that which you can never learn
from masters." Saint Bernard said that.
TEENAGED LAROCHE
That's pretty, ma.
MOTHER
Diane would've loved this flower, Johnny.
TEENAGED LAROCHE
Maybe somehow she can see it. Y'know?
MOTHER
(beat)
So... after this one how many, honey?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche snaps the photo, makes a check in his notebook.
TEENAGED LAROCHE
Only one hundred and seventeen more.
MOTHER
And you have to have a photo of every
single type of orchid in Florida?
TEENAGED LAROCHE
I have to, ma. You know that.
She smiles at him, rubs his neck.
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY
Kaufman talks to the therapist.
KAUFMAN
I'm successful, right? I mean, I could
say to a woman, I'm a screenwriter and
she'd look at me differently. I could
get laid. But I want someone to like me.
For me. Y'know? The way I like them.
The way I'd do anything for that woman
walking down the street. A million women
walking down the street. I don't need to
know what their jobs are. No one will
ever love me like that. Like I love
almost every woman I see.
Kaufman glances down at his therapist's breasts. He does it
fast and unintentionally. He quickly shifts back to her
face. His therapist wraps her shawl around her.
INT. SHOW HALL - DAY
Crowded with orchid lovers. Noisy chatter and calliope
music. Elaborate displays include orchids on a ferris wheel,
plastic clowns, and a booth that looks like a circus big top.
LAROCHE
Once you get the sickness, it takes over
your life. I started out just
photographing 'em. Now look at me.
(dramatic pause)
It'll happen to you. You'll see.
ORLEAN
I don't think so. I'm not prone to --
Laroche runs over to a flower.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
Angraecum sesquipedale! Beauty! God!
Darwin wrote about this one. Charles
Darwin? Evolution guy? Hello?
ORLEAN
(annoyed)
I know who Darwin is.
Ratings
Scene 20 - Echoes of Isolation
A depressed Kaufman fishes on his floor through an ever
increasing pile of books: books about turtles, mirror
resilvering, tropical fish, Hegel, etc. He picks up The
Portable Darwin. The cover features a daguerreotype of
Darwin. Kaufman paces and reads.
INT. BOOK-LINED STUDY - NIGHT
SUBTITLE: ENGLAND, ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE YEARS EARLIER
Sepia. A sickly Darwin writes at his desk.
DARWIN (V.O.)
Therefore I should infer from analogy
that probably all the organic beings
which have ever lived on this earth have
descended from some one primordial form,
into which life was first breathed.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman looks off into space, thinking. Silence. Suddenly,
he grabs his mini-recorder and paces like a caged animal.
KAUFMAN
Okay, opening of movie. Four billion
years ago. Life has not begun. Endless,
barren terrain. Silence. Silence.
EXT. SHOW HALL - DAY
Blasting music. Crowds. Laroche shows the flower to Orlean.
LAROCHE
See that nectary all the way down there?
Darwin hypothesized a moth with a nose
twelve inches long to pollinate it.
Everyone thought he was a loon. Then,
sure enough, they found this moth with a
twelve inch proboscis -- proboscis means
nose, by the way -- and --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
I know what proboscis means.
LAROCHE
Every one of these flowers has a specific
relationship with the insect that
pollinates it. There's an orchid that
looks exactly like this particular
insect. So the bug humps the flower and
gets covered with its pollen. Thusly...
Laroche mimes humping.
ORLEAN
I get it.
LAROCHE
That's called pseudo-copulation. These
flowers are smart! You gotta fall in
love with them. Once you learn anything
about orchids, you'll devote your life to
learning everything about them.
Orlean looks around: people sniffing flowers, feeling petals,
staring deep into nectaries. People jabber passionately,
people buy plants, people carry boxes of purchased plants.
Orlean looks deeply into various flowers, at a dizzying array
of colors and shapes, but remains detached.
INT. APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING
Orlean stares at photos of orchids on her bulletin board.
She can't find a way in. She looks over at her husband
reading. He smiles at her. She smiles back, but there's a
terrible distance between them. She looks at us sadly.
ORLEAN
I wanted to want something as much as
people wanted these plants but it isn't
part of my constitution.
Orlean stares out the window at the empty street below. A
plastic bag dips and rises in the breeze. She inhales.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
I suppose I do have one unembarrassed
passion.
(beat, looks back at us)
I want to know how it feels to care about
something passionately.
EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - NIGHT
The seven year old girl swings sadly by herself. From high
up she sees her mother in a window at one end of the house,
her father in a window at the other end. Both stare blankly
in opposite directions. The swing completes it's arc and the
girl descends, losing sight of her parents.
Ratings
Scene 21 - Echoes of Isolation
Kaufman types furiously. He's a sweaty mess.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
... then, after the entire history of
life on the planet, in the last seconds
of the montage, we see the whole of human
history: tool-making, hunting, farming,
war, lust, religion, self-consciousness.
Yearning. Then, bam! cut to Susan Orlean
writing a book about orchids. And the
story begins. It's perfect! It's
circular! It's everything!
He reads back what he's written.
KAUFMAN (CONT'D)
I'm an idiot. I'm fat. I hate my--
The front door bursts open and Donald charges in.
DONALD
McKee is a genius! And hilarious! He
just comes up with these great jokes, and
everyone laughs! But he's serious, too.
You'd love him. He's all for
originality, just like you! But he says,
we have to realize we all write in a
genre, so we must find originality within
that genre. See, it turns out there
hasn't been a new genre since Fellini
invented the mockumentary!
KAUFMAN
(sadly, quietly)
You and I share the same DNA. Is there
anything more lonely than that?
INT. ORLEAN'S KITCHEN - EVENING
Orlean eats a silent dinner with her husband.
HUSBAND
You want to do something tonight?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
I should work. I've got stuff...
He nods. She smiles, picks up her dish, puts it in the sink.
INT. ORLEAN'S STUDY - EVENING
Orlean looks at the photo of Laroche, sits sadly for a
moment, then types.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Laroche is an optimist. That is, he sees
a profitable outcome in every situation.
When he was a young man he worked in
construction.
Ratings
Scene 22 - From Misfortune to Opportunity
SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TEN YEARS EARLIER
A younger Laroche, in a hard hat, walks atop a half-built
house. He spots a flower in a backyard across the street.
LAROCHE
(pleased with himself)
Asclepiadaceae. From thirty yards. Yes.
He loses his footing, falls two storeys, lands on his back.
INT. DINER - DAY
Laroche talks. Orlean takes notes.
LAROCHE
(laughing)
... I broke my back. Exactly how my dad
did. Isn't that a psycho coincidence?
(far away)
Y'know, the way I see it, we're a family
of ailments and pain.
(suddenly excited.)
But, anyway, it was a godsend.
Laroche scarfs his pie. Orlean watches him.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Laroche once spilled toxic pesticide into
a cut on his hand. It resulted in
permanent heart and liver damage. Most
people would consider this a terrible
accident. Laroche considered it a
success...
INT. SUBURBAN SUN ROOM - DAY
A prim woman reads a magazine article by Laroche entitled,
"Would You Die For Your Plants." There's a smiling photo of
a frail, emaciated Laroche next to his byline.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
... because he sold an article about it.
INT. DINER - DAY
Laroche talks, mouth full of pie. Orlean takes notes.
LAROCHE
I consider the broken back -- in three
places, by the way. I have x-rays --
(fishes through bag)
-- a stroke of goddamn luck. I got
disability, married the sweetest woman in
the world. And me and my lovely new wife
-- my now ex-wife, the bitch -- got to
open our nursery.
EXT. NURSERY - DAY
Laroche and his wife, in wedding clothes, stand outside their
nursery The Bromeliad Tree posing for an auto-timed photo.
Laroche wears a cumbersome back brace. The camera flashes.
Ratings
Scene 23 - Struggles and Adaptations
Kaufman types tentatively. Off-screen we hear Donald's
enthusiastic typing and giggling.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Movie opens with Susan Orlean typing.
(refers to Orchid Thief)
"John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
stick...
(stops, flips through book)
Movie opens with a young boy picking out
his first pet...
(stops, flips through book)
Movie opens with...
Kaufman stops, scratches his head. His hand is covered with
loose hairs. He whines.
INT. DINER - DAY
Laroche talks to Orlean.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
People started coming out of the
woodwork, to ask me stuff, to admire my
plants, to admire me.
INT. THE BROMELIAD TREE - DAY
Lots of lonely-looking customers admiring orchids. Laroche
is in the midst of them, happily chatting with whomever
approaches him. One guy pulls Laroche aside.
CUSTOMER #1
John, what is this? It's so beautiful.
LAROCHE
Catasetum tenebrosum. From Peru. It's
neat 'cause its dimorphic, which means...
Customer #2 enters with a creepy, dark flowered orchid.
CUSTOMER #2
Johnny baby!
LAROCHE
Henry! Look at that Dracula vampira!
It's gorgeous, man.
Other customers gather around.
CUSTOMER #2
Take me in to the Fakahatchee. Show me a
ghost in bloom, and it's yours.
LAROCHE
Cool.
CUSTOMER #3
Mr. Laroche, would you be able to --
Laroche picks up a ringing phone. Customer #3 continues to
try and get his attention while he talks.
LAROCHE
Bromeliad Tree. Hey, Dora! Good, good.
Well, sure, you gotta watch the
temperature. Don't want an odontoglossum
above seventy-five. Uh-huh, that should
be fine. Yeah, damp it down. Oh, I'm
doing well. She's fine, too. Sure...
INT. VAN - NIGHT
Laroche drives. Orlean looks out at the dark night.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
I believe some folks'd call me up to talk
and just talk because they were lonely.
Orlean looks at him. After a long silence, Laroche muses:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
You know why I love plants? Because
they're so mutable, so adaptable.
Adaptation is such a profound process.
(beat)
Adaptation means you figure out how to
survive in the world. People aren't too
good at that sometimes.
Ratings
Scene 24 - Frustration and Distraction
Kaufman sits with his agent Jerry in a glass-walled office.
KAUFMAN
I don't know how to adapt this. I
should've just stuck with my own stuff.
I don't know why I thought I could --
JERRY
See her? I fucked her up the ass.
Jerry waves at a passing beauty. She waves back, keeps
walking. Kaufman follows the girl's ass with his eyes.
JERRY
Just kidding. Hey, maybe I can help.
What's the problem, buddy?
Kaufman looks at Jerry. Will he accept help from an agent?
KAUFMAN
It's about flowers.
JERRY
It's not only about flowers. It's got
that crazy plant nut guy. He's funny,
right?
Kaufman pulls out a folded newspaper clipping, reads:
KAUFMAN
"There is not nearly enough of him to
fill a book," blah blah blah, so Orlean
"digresses in long passes" blah blah blah
"no narrative really unites these
passages." Blah blah blah blah blah.
(looking up defiantly)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
New York Times Book Review. I can't
structure this. It's that sprawling New
Yorker shit.
Jerry gets distracted by another sexy woman walking by.
JERRY
Oh man. I'd fuck her up the ass.
KAUFMAN
There's no story. The book has no story.
JERRY
So make one up. The book's a jumping off
point. No one in town can make up a
crazy story like you. You're the king.
KAUFMAN
I didn't want to do that this time. It's
someone else's material. I have a
responsibility... Anyway, I wanted to
grow as a writer, do something profound
and simple. Show people how amazing
flowers are.
JERRY
Are they amazing?
KAUFMAN
I don't know. I think they are.
JERRY
Look, what I tell a lot of guys is pick
another film and use it as a model. I
always thought this one could be like
Apocalypse Now. The journalist spends
the whole movie searching for the crazy
plant nut guy -- what's his name?
KAUFMAN
John Laroche.
JERRY
She has to travel deep into the darkest
swamps to find the mysterious "Laroche."
KAUFMAN
I need you to get me out of this.
JERRY
Charlie, at the end of the day, I think
it would be a terrible career move.
MONTAGE
Jumble of images: Laroche talking, flowers, Indians, Orlean,
the trial. The rapid fire click-click of typing.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Okay, okay, we open with Laroche. He's
funny. Okay, he says, okay, he says, I
love to mutate plants, he says, mutation
is fun... Okay, we show flowers and,
okay, we have to have the court case.
Okay we show Laroche, okay, he says, I
was mutated as baby, that's why I'm so
smart...that's funny. Okay we open at
the beginning of time...no, okay, we open
with Laroche driving into the swamp...
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman awakes with a start. Enthusiastic off-screen typing.
Kaufman peers through the darkness at the books, papers
coffee cups, and dirty plates all around.
Ratings
Scene 25 - Echoes of Loss and Ambition
Black and white. It's dark, tangled with foliage, and
foreboding. Two pioneers slog waist-high through the water.
Alligators regard them menacingly.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
The pioneer-adventurers in Florida had to
travel inward, into a place as dark and
dense as steel wool. They had to
confront what a dark, dense, overabundant
place might have hidden in it.
The scene turns into color. The men turn into mannequins.
The floor is covered with black cellophane representing swamp
water. The swamp turns to cardboard, with real orchids
hanging from the trees. A guy carrying some orchids walks on
top of the cellophane, past the mannequins.
INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The room is dark, lit only by the light of the TV Laroche's
father watches. Laroche and Orlean sit on the couch.
LAROCHE
The nursery was going well, but sometimes
bad things happen. Darkness descends.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche glances at his father, who just stares at the TV. On
the TV set are two framed photos: one of Laroche's sister and
one of Laroche's mother.
INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, NINE YEARS EARLIER
Laroche ushers his wife, mother, and uncle out of the house.
His father watches TV. There's only a photo of Laroche's
sister on the TV set now.
LAROCHE
Sure you don't want to come, dad?
His father doesn't respond.
INT. LAROCHE'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
They pile into a nice new American car, his wife in front,
his mother and uncle in back. Laroche pulls into traffic.
UNCLE JIM
Nursery business good, Johnny?
LAROCHE
Everything's good, Uncle Jim. This last
year's been a dream, I'm telling you.
We're finally pulling out of this debt.
MOTHER
Amen, honey. Praise Allah, Buddha,
Vishnu. And all the rest of 'em.
Laroche smiles back at his mother. A screech of tires and
another car crashes head on into theirs. Laroche's face
smacks against the steering wheel, his front teeth fly in all
directions. His mother rockets forward smashing through the
windshield. His uncle hits Laroche's wife in the head,
jerking her forward and landing on top of her.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Banged-up and missing his front teeth, Laroche stands amidst
a group of mourners at a double funeral.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Laroche, in his mourning suit, sits by his comatose wife.
EXT. SEMINOLE DISCOUNT CIGARETTE STORE PARKING LOT - DAY
It's a busy street full of discount cigarette stores.
Laroche and Orlean step from his van, head toward the store.
LAROCHE
She divorced me soon after she regained
consciousness. Then the hurricane
destroyed my greenhouse. Everything. I
knew it would break my heart to start
another nursery, so when the Seminoles
wanted a white guy, an expert, to get
their nursery going, I took it.
INT. DISCOUNT CIGARETTE STORE - CONTINUOUS
Laroche pulls about ten Marlboro cartons off the shelf.
LAROCHE
But I wasn't gonna give them a
conventional little potted-plant place.
So I came up with the "ghost" plan. I
was gonna give them something amazing.
Ratings
Scene 26 - Creative Isolation
Kaufman, beer in hand, stands off in the corner of a room
crowded with young Hollywood types. He talks nervously to a
pretty young woman
KAUFMAN
... see, Laroche researched it and found
that Indians have the legal right to take
endangered plants off state lands.
WOMAN
What an amazing opening! So then it's a
courtroom drama. A Few Good Men! And
all those Indian rights issues are so
complex. There are valid arguments on
both sides. I mean we took their land!
We gave them smallpox!
KAUFMAN
Well, actually, there wasn't much of a
trial. Florida got 'em on a
technicality, about cutting down non-
endangered trees. Even the Indians
aren't allowed to do that. They all
plead no contest. Laroche got fined five
hundred bucks and banned from the
Fakahatchee for six months.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
WOMAN
Oh, wow. So, like, then what happens?
KAUFMAN
Nothing much. That's what I like. I
mean, most people's lives don't include a
lot of drama and I wanted to sort of be
compelling without having to resort to
big, um... Y'know what I mean?
WOMAN
(glancing distractedly around)
Absolutely. I absolutely do.
KAUFMAN
It's, like, Blake talked about seeing the
world in a grain of sand and heaven in a
wild flower. Y'know? Or like Hegel?
The woman smiles, but she's somewhere else entirely.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - BEDROOM
Kaufman stares at his typewriter. There's a big pile of
papers next to him.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am a failure. I'm a poseur. I have no
ideas. I wanted to do something great.
There's no story. I'm fat. I'm repuls--
The phone rings.
KAUFMAN (CONT'D)
What?
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Charlie? It's Valerie.
KAUFMAN
Oh, hi. Hi. Hey! Hi!
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Sorry to bug you. We were just talking
about you, how excited we are.
KAUFMAN
Yeah, me too.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
So it's coming along good?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
It's good. It's complicated what I'm
trying to do, but it's going very well.
Ratings
Scene 27 - Creative Divergence
Orlean looks at a book called The Native Orchids of Florida.
She comes to a photo of the ghost orchid glowing white on the
page. Orlean's husband walks by with a cup of coffee,
caresses her shoulder. She tenses slightly, smiles up at him
apologetically. He smiles back sadly. She returns to the
photo. A line of text catches her eye: "Should one be lucky
enough to see a flower all else will seem eclipsed." Orlean
closes the book, sits there. She dials the phone.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Yeah.
ORLEAN
Hello, John? It's Susan.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Susie-Q!
ORLEAN
So I was thinking it'd be good for the
article for me to go into the Fakahatchee
to see a ghost. Would you take me?
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
I'd love to, but, hey, I'm banned for the
next six months. Goddamn crucified me.
Get one of them monkey-suited rangers to
take you. 'Course, they wouldn't be able
to locate a ghost, if it climbed off a
tree and shoved itself up their ass.
Hey, put that in the article.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNING
A hollow-eyed Kaufman is zipping up a suitcase.
KAUFMAN
(calling off-screen)
Travelling into the Fakahatchee, Donald,
is a perfect metaphor for writing. I'm
stepping into the confusion of the
unknown. I'm taking the big risk here.
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Donald types cheerily on a lap-top computer at an ergonomic
desk. Kaufman descends the stairs with his suitcase.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
It's dark, dangerous, as dense as steel
wool. I don't know if I'll come out
alive, but if I do, I'll have something
true to give the world. That's the
difference between writing and aping some
moron's "principles."
Donald looks up from his work. He hasn't been listening.
DONALD
Hey, Charles, I'm thinking of putting a
song in. Y'know like when characters
sing pop songs in their pajamas and dance
around. I thought it might be a nice way
to break the tension. So, try to think
of a song about split personality...
Ratings
Scene 28 - Desires and Distractions in the Fakahatchee
Orlean sits in her seat and addresses the camera.
ORLEAN
You would have to want something very
badly...
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT
Kaufman reads The Orchid Thief.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
... to go looking for it in the
Fakahatchee Strand.
He can't concentrate, closes the book and watches a
stewardess tending to another passenger.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
Kaufman fixes a salad in the kitchenette. The door opens and
the stewardess enters dragging her luggage on a little cart.
KAUFMAN
Hey! How was Denver?
STEWARDESS
Oh, God, sweetie, I'm so glad to be home.
She kisses him, looks lovingly at him.
STEWARDESS (cont'd)
Can I get you something to drink?
INT. AIRPLANE BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman finishes jerking off, stands, pulls up his pants,
adjusts himself, and exits the bathroom.
INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUS
Kaufman steps out of the bathroom. The stewardess is there
talking to another stewardess. She regards Kaufman blankly,
then goes back to her conversation. He heads up the aisle.
One of the stewardesses laughs. He tenses, takes his seat.
INT. AIRPLANE - MORNING
Orlean watches the hundreds of square miles of black, wet
Florida swampland pass by below.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
An early surveyor made this entry in his
field notes...
EXT. SWAMP - DAY
SUBTITLE: FAKAHATCHEE, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN YEARS EARLIER
A surveyor scribbles in a notebook. The pond is alive with
alligators.
SURVEYOR (V.O.)
A pond surrounded by bay and cypress
swamp, impracticable. Full of monstrous
alligators, counted fifty and stopped.
INT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Orlean lies in bed, wide awake and anxious.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Whatever isn't wet in the Fakahatchee is
blasted. The grass gets so dry that the
friction from a car can set it on fire,
and the burning grass can engulf the car
in flames. A 1940's botanist noted:
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
A botanist, in a hot, arid field, writes in a notebook.
BOTANIST (V.O.)
Most impressed by the area's variety of
squirrels...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
A car drives by on the dirt road. It begins smoking. The
driver jumps out of the car just as it bursts into flames.
BOTANIST (cont'd)
... and charred automobiles.
We pull back to see the area filled with abandoned, burned-up
old cars.
Ratings
Scene 29 - Swamp Expectations
Kaufman watches the pretty clerk working on the computer.
She looks up, he looks down, studies his road map.
INT. RENTAL CAR - EARLY MORNING
A charmingly bedraggled Orlean drives on a road surrounded by
swamp. She talks to us.
ORLEAN
The swamp's darkness and denseness can
rattle your nerves. A sailor on a pluma-
collecting expedition wrote in his diary:
EXT. SWAMP - DAY
SUBTITLE: FAKAHATCHEE, ONE-HUNDRED AND THREE YEARS EARLIER
A luggish sailor sits in the distance on a stump, crying.
SAILOR (V.O.)
The place looked wild and lonely. About
three o'clock it seemed to get on Henry's
nerves. We saw him crying, he could not
tell us why, he was just plain scared.
EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - EARLY MORNING
Orlean drives onto the dirt road past the Fakahatchee sign
and talks to us.
ORLEAN
The swampy part of the Fakahatchee is hot
and wet and buggy and full of cottonmouth
snakes and diamond back rattlers and...
INT. RENTAL CAR - MORNING
Kaufman drives down the same road surrounded by swamp.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (V.O.)
... alligators and snapping turtles and
poisonous plants and wild hogs and...
EXT. RANGER SHACK - MORNING
Orlean gets out of the car, knocks timidly on the shack door.
Ranger Mike Owen answers.
MIKE OWEN
Charlie?
It's Kaufman standing there.
KAUFMAN
(tremulous)
Yes. Hi.
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING
The sky is overcast. Mike Owen leads Kaufman through a cool
swamp, which is completely dry. The two men walk easily on
peaty ground. Kaufman, slathered with sun screen and covered
head to foot in unnecessary protective clothing, tries to be
interested in Owen's lecture.
MIKE OWEN
So the whole ecosystem is six thousand
years old. Five to six thousand years
old. About that. Five or six.
KAUFMAN
Okay.
MIKE OWEN
Now the Fakahatchee is the largest of all
the cyrpess strands, probably in the
world. I don't know of any cypress
strand bigger. It's about twenty miles
long, or nineteen, nineteen to twenty,
nineteen... and right here it's about
five miles wide, four and a half, five.
So, again, it's twenty miles long, three
to five miles wide. And over here --
EXT. SWAMP - LATER
Mike Owen holds a handful of peat. Kaufman looks at it.
MIKE OWEN
The oldest carbon dating they've done on
any of the peat out here is fifty-seven
hundred years. That's with carbon-14.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
That's in the right age where you can
really date things accurately with carbon-
14, because it's half-life is fifty-five
hundred years, so they must have found
have of it gone and figured that...
KAUFMAN
Why isn't it wet? Orlean wrote about
wading through black, corrosive water.
She said it was the scariest experience
of her life. And when I spoke to you on
the phone, you said wear heavy boots,
long pants and...
MIKE OWEN
There's usually water. We've been going
through a bit of a drought. Say, have
you seen that movie, Medicine Man?
That's a good movie about protecting
nature. It shows there could be
something important in a rain forest we
don't even know about, like a cure for
cancer.
KAUFMAN
It's not even hot. I was expecting it to
be awful. Sun beating down, wading
through water, looking out for snakes,
wild hogs. I was thinking it would be
dramatic. Alligators. Something!
MIKE OWEN
The alligators are over by the lakes.
The temperature's a blessing for us.
This time of year can get uncomfortably
hot.
(pointing excitedly)
Green anole. Florida's most common.
Kaufman looks down and sees a plain-looking little lizard
hanging on a tree. Mike Owen jots it down in his notebook.
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
I try to keep a log of sightings.
Ratings
Scene 30 - Myths and Disillusionment in the Swamp
Mike Owen drives. Kaufman stares out the window at boring
trees.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
It had been a hard day and I hadn't seen
what I'd come to see. Maybe the ghost
orchid was a ghost after all.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
There are certainly ghosts in the
Fakahatchee -- ghosts of rangers who were
murdered years ago by illegal plume
hunters, and of loggers who were cut to
pieces in fights, and for years there has
been an apparition wandering the swamp,
the Swamp Ape, which is said to be seven
feet tall and seven hundred pounds and
have the physique of a human, the posture
of an ape, and the body odor of a skunk.
EXT. RANGER SHACK - DAY
Kaufman and Owen stand by Kaufman's car.
MIKE OWEN
What Laroche did was wrong. Those
flowers belong to all of us, all 250
million of us -- 250? I think it's up to
270 now -- And belonging to all of us
means they belong to none of us. Nobody
has a right to take them. Not me, not
you, not John Laroche, not...
Kaufman is desperate for something else. He blurts:
KAUFMAN
Listen, um, Susan Orlean wrote about a
legendary creature called a Swamp Ape.
Have you ever heard stories or --
MIKE OWEN
(pissy)
Tourist garbage! I don't know why people
need to invent silly creatures to make
nature fascinating. Isn't nature amazing
enough?
KAUFMAN
(shamed)
I just asked because she mentioned it.
Ratings
Scene 31 - Elusive Orchids and Unfulfilled Longings
Orlean, still dirty from the swamp, holds a phone to her ear
and talks to us. She has cute little dirt smudges on her
face.
ORLEAN
That night I called Laroche.
ORLEAN
(into phone)
I didn't see anything but bare roots.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (cont'd)
And I had this thought. Maybe the ghost
orchid only blooms in the minds of people
who've walked too long in the swamp.
INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Orlean types. It's pouring and sheets of rain beat against
her window. She glances at her husband, across the room
reading a book. She sighs, continues typing.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
What I didn't say to him is that life
seemed to be filled with things that were
just like the ghost orchid -- wonderful
to imagine and easy to fall in love with
but a little fantastic and fleeting and
out of reach.
INT. RENTAL CAR - EVENING
Kaufman drives down a Florida strip-malled highway. He
passes a Barnes and Noble, a Burger King, a Starbucks. He
parks in front of a California Pizza Kitchen.
INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN (FLORIDA) - EVENING
Kaufman watches the waitresses. One approaches his booth.
Her name badge reads: Caryn, Tampa, FL. She smiles at
Kaufman as she looks right through him.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A morose Kaufman sits on the bed reading The Orchid Thief.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
What I didn't say to him was that life
seemed to be filled with things that were
just like the ghost orchid -- wonderful
to imagine and easy to fall in love with
but a little fantastic and fleeting and
out of reach.
Kaufman is deeply moved. He hi-lites the passage, then looks
at the smiling photo of Orlean. He finds himself lost in it.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Orlean, dirty from the swamp, is on the phone.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
(beat,clears throat)
Jesus Christ, of course there are ghost
orchids out there! I've stolen them!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE) (cont'd)
(beat, a cleared throat)
You should have gone with me.
CLOSE-UP OF MAGAZINE
The line: "... then he cleared his throat and said: 'You
should have gone with me.'"
VALERIE (O.C.)
Beautifully written. A really unique
piece.
PULL BACK TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAY
Busy lunch crowd. Valerie sits at a table with Orlean and an
open New Yorker magazine.
ORLEAN
Thank you. Thanks very much.
VALERIE
We're big fans.
ORLEAN
Oh, thank you.
VALERIE
And Laroche is such a fun character.
ORLEAN
Yeah, John's a character all right.
VALERIE
It's funny and fresh. And sad in a way.
ORLEAN
Well, thanks. Thank you.
VALERIE
So we were wondering, what's next?
ORLEAN
Oh, um, Random House wants me to expand
it into a book. So I'll be doing that.
VALERIE
And there'll be more of Laroche?
ORLEAN
Yeah. More John, more orchids.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
VALERIE
Y'know, we'd really like to option it.
ORLEAN
(laughing)
You want to make this into a movie?
VALERIE
Laroche is such a fun character. So...
Ratings
Scene 32 - Reckless Ambitions
Laroche, wearing a Cleveland Indians T-shirt, drives crazily
thorugh the Hollywood Seminole reservation. Orlean holds on.
LAROCHE
No shit I'm a fun character.
(beat)
Who's gonna play me?
ORLEAN
I've got to write it first. Someone's
gotta write the screenplay. Most things
never get made. It's premature to --
LAROCHE
I think I should play me.
Laroche swerves into a parking space in the nursery lot.
EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY - DAY
Laroche and Orlean get out of the van.
LAROCHE
I've got all the right qualities. While
you write, I'll take an acting class.
A few young Indian guys are hauling bags of potting soil.
They look at Laroche sourly. Laroche indicates the giant
cartoon Indian on his T-shirt.
LAROCHE
I wear this just to screw with 'em.
INT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Laroche enters his office, looks at some papers on his desk.
LAROCHE
Most of them don't even bother calling me
John anymore. It's "Crazy White Man"
now.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
"Crazy White Man" is a good title for the
movie. Call the book "Crazy White Man."
Or, I don't know, "Collector of Hearts"
or something.
Before Orlean can respond, Laroche picks up the phone and
dials an impossibly long number. He waits, gestures for
Orlean to sit on a chair piled high with junk.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
You won't hurt anything.
Orlean moves the junk over, shares the seat with it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
(Yelling into phone)
Hello? Hello? Hi? This is John Laroche
from the Seminole Nursery. Sem-ih-nole!
(to Orlean)
How do you say Seminole in Spanish?
(into phone)
That's right, yes! Yeah, I want to order
some more of those pink string beans!
Pink string beans!
(yelling)
Pink String Beans! Pink String Beans!
Buster appears in the door.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
(into phone)
I'll call back.
(hangs up)
Hey, Buster.
BAXLEY
John.
LAROCHE
I was trying to order some pink string
beans from Argentina.
BAXLEY
No kidding.
LAROCHE
I figure just because Project Ghost
Orchid is dead, we're not closing shop.
BAXLEY
Listen, John --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
LAROCHE
We'll get into plant multiplication. Buy
little ones, turn 'em into big ones, sell
'em at a profit. Simple plant
multiplication for the masses.
BAXLEY
John, we're thinking maybe now's a good
time for you to take a few weeks.
LAROCHE
I don't need a vacation, Buster.
BAXLEY
It's a good time. Things are slow.
Laroche stares at Buster. Buster stares back.
LAROCHE
Y'know, the guys on my crew here, all
they do is smoke weed all day. I been
meaning to talk to you about that. So if
it's a question of productivity --
INT. VAN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Laroche weaves through traffic. Orlean holds on.
LAROCHE
They're gonna fire me. Goddamn politics.
Crazy White Man's bad publicity.
(pounds steering wheel)
I can't believe I'm dealing with this!
(pounds steering wheel)
Like I could give a damn. If they fire
me, I'll sue. I already did some legal
research on this when I was doing the
other shit. They can't fire me. And I
ain't going to quit.
MONTAGE
Gray skies. Kaufman drives his rental car: he looks at the
Seminole Nursery, the Collier County Courthouse, Laroche's
house. He drives through swampy terrain. He walks around at
an orchid show, he attends a slide-show orchid lecture. It's
all dull. He ends up sitting on a bench on an empty beach,
staring out at the ocean.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Orlean dials the phone. It rings for a long time. Finally:
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
(groggy)
Yeah?
ORLEAN
John, it's Susan.
(waits for response)
Orlean.
(waits)
So, I was just wondering if you might be
willing to talk some more.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
What about?
Orlean rolls her eyes.
ORLEAN
C'mon, John, I'm trying to put together a
book. Don't just abandon me down here.
LAROCHE
I'm no longer interested in orchids. I'm
pursuing other avenues. I apologize for
any inconvenience this might cause you.
Orlean is silent, taps her fingers on the bedside table.
LAROCHE
Thank you for your time.
Laroche hangs up. Orlean sits there for a moment, flips
through her list of orchid collector names.
Ratings
Scene 33 - Conversations at the Edge
Kaufman sits on the bench, looking out at the ocean. An
attractive, spandexed couple skate by, chatting in German.
He watches the woman, hoping for a look, for something. He
doesn't get it. They're gone. A tan older man sits on the
bench, lights a cigarette. Kaufman continues to look at the
ocean, even though he feels the guy's eyes on him. He
doesn't want to engage.
GUY ON BENCH
We could use the rain, huh?
Kaufman nods, looking at the ocean. Pause.
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
So you from around here?
Kaufman shakes his head "no." Pause.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
So where then?
KAUFMAN
California.
GUY ON BENCH
(excitedly)
Yeah? I'm moving to L.A. I just wrote a
screenplay. I sent it to a lot of
agents. But if they turn me down, I'll
go there and market it myself. I used to
be in marketing in New York, so I know
exactly how to sell this thing.
(beat)
Where's a nice place to live if you don't
have a car?
KAUFMAN
You kind of need a car. I guess West
Hollywood would be okay.
GUY ON BENCH
So you recommend West Hollywood then.
KAUFMAN
I'm not recommending it.
Pause.
GUY ON BENCH
I moved down here for a change, and I
wrote the screenplay. Just like that.
It's a great idea.
The old guy waits for a response. He gets none.
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
It's about a mob guy, but it's not your
regular mob story. There's a twist. A
cop tells this mob guy's wife that the
mob guy's cheating on her. But the truth
is, the cop's lying because he wants her
for himself. See, they used to go
together in high school.
(waits for response, then:)
You know anything about screenplays?
Kaufman shakes his head.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
Well, the object is to make people think
you're going in one direction, then you
twist it to keep 'em surprised. I came up
with all these amazing twists out of
nowhere. Well, not nowhere.
(beat)
I'm a born again Christian.
(beat)
You have faith?
KAUFMAN
No. Not really.
GUY ON BENCH
You don't believe in anything?
Kaufman shrugs.
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
I don't know how you can look out at this
beautiful ocean and not believe there's
an intelligence that created it.
KAUFMAN
I don't know.
GUY ON BENCH
Well, you can't know until you experience
it. That requires accepting Jesus Christ
as your Lord and Savior. Believe me.
Lookit, if I was to show you a bottle of
clear liquid and told you it was vodka,
how would you know if it really was or if
it was water? There's only one way.
KAUFMAN
I'd smell it.
GUY ON BENCH
(annoyed)
No. You can't smell vodka. You'd have
to taste it, right?
KAUFMAN
It could be poison. I don't know you.
GUY ON BENCH
(angry)
Look, let's go with the analogy I'm
drawing here. It's not poison. Okay?
(resuming control)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)
So you'd have to taste it to know.
Right? That's my point.
KAUFMAN
Right.
GUY ON BENCH
That's all I'm saying.
(beat)
So West Hollywood, huh? I think I'll
make it out this year. Because how long
can you look at an ocean, y'know?
MONTAGE
Susan Orlean talks to various orchid enthusiasts, visits
nurseries, sits in lecture halls, attends orchid shows, sits
in the library reading orchid books. She is bored and
distracted.
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT
A stewardess places a cup and an airline-sized bottle of
vodka down in front of a lost Kaufman. He smiles at her. No
response. He opens the bottle and smells the vodka.
Ratings
Scene 34 - Self-Doubt and Screenwriting Struggles
Kaufman sits in the back seat and stares out the window. The
driver looks at him a couple of times in his rearview mirror.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I have failed. I have nothing to say. I
am fat. I am not a writer.
DRIVER
Mr. Kaufman, do you mind if I ask what
type of work you do for Sony?
KAUFMAN
I'm a writer.
DRIVER
(impressed)
A song writer?
KAUFMAN
No, I'm a screenwriter.
DRIVER
Oh, wow! Good for you. You mind if I
ask what your movie's about?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
It's about flowers.
No response. Kaufman tries to make it interesting.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
It's about this poacher who steals
orchids out of a swamp.
DRIVER
I heard about that! Drug flowers, right?
KAUFMAN
Yeah. That's it.
DRIVER
I heard about that! That's great!
Action-adventure is my favorite genre.
INT. EMPTY HOUSE - NIGHT
Kaufman enters with his bags and heads to the stairs.
Donald, typing furiously at his desk, looks up.
DONALD
How was Florida, man?
KAUFMAN
(climbing the stairs)
Okay.
DONALD
Cool! Hey, my script's going amazing!
Right now I'm working out an Image
System. Bob calls it an invaluable
asset. Because of my multiple
personality theme, I've chosen the motif
of broken mirrors to show my
protagonist's fragmented self. Bob
teaches that an Image System greatly
increases the complexity of an aesthetic
emotion.
KAUFMAN
You sound like you're in a cult.
Kaufman disappears upstairs.
DONALD
No, it's just good writing technique.
(types, then:)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
DONALD (cont'd)
Oh, I made you a copy of McKee's Ten
Commandments. I've posted one over both
our work areas.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Kaufman tears down MCKEE'S TEN COMMANDMENTS. Donald appears
backlit in the doorway and seems oddly threatening.
DONALD
You shouldn't have done that.
They look at each other. Donald breaks the tension, smiles.
DONALD (cont'd)
'Cause it's extremely helpful.
(lies down on floor)
Hey, any sign of that Swamp Ape?
KAUFMAN
There is no Swamp Ape. It was invented
for people who can't find the actual
world fascinating. Y'know?
DONALD
Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Sorry.
Hey, I got a song! "Happy Together." I
was worried about putting a song in a
thriller, but Bob says, Casablanca, the
greatest screenplay ever written, did
exactly that. Mixed genres.
KAUFMAN
I need to go to bed, Donald. I haven't
slept in a week.
DONALD
Okay.
Donald remains on the floor.
MONTAGE SEQUENCE
Mishmash of images: alligators snapping, Laroche jabbering,
Orlean typing, 19th century orchid poachers slogging, orchids
blooming, Mike Owen lecturing.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
... so we open the swamp... okay,
flashback to young Laroche had turtles...
Okay, Susan says What Is Passion? And
okay we open on a swamp and suddenly a
white van comes tearing around...
Ratings
Scene 35 - Dreams and Doubts
Kaufman lies half-awake in bed, sweating, his eyes darting
back and forth. He looks over at the clock. It's 3:32.
KAUFMAN
Damn it.
Donald snores happily off-screen. Kaufman switches on a
lamp, pulls The Orchid Thief from his bag, flips through it.
There are now many yellow hi-lited passages. He reads one.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
There are too many ideas and things and
people, too many directions to go. I was
starting to believe the reason it matters
to care passionately about something is
that it whittles the world down to a more
manageable size.
KAUFMAN
Such sweet, sad insights. So true.
Kaufman flips to the glowing, smiling author photo.
KAUFMAN
And you're... I like looking at you.
He stares at the photo. Its smile broadens. It talks.
ORLEAN PHOTO
I like looking at you, too. Charlie.
The photo smiles warmly at him. Kaufman begins to jerk-off.
He closes his eyes.
Then: Kaufman and Orlean are in his bed together, making
love. She smiles at him throughout. They finish.
Then: Kaufman is alone in bed, heaving. He looks at the
still smiling photo. It somehow seems sleepy now.
KAUFMAN
I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid
I'll disappoint you. You've written a
beautiful book. I can't sleep. I'm
losing my hair. I'm fat and repulsive --
ORLEAN PHOTO
Shhh. You're not. Whittle it down,
focus on one thing in the story, find the
thing you care passionately about and
write about that.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Kaufman studies her delicate, melancholy face. He's in love.
ORLEAN PHOTO (cont'd)
(sweet, flirty smile)
I figured there might be something...
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Kaufman paces and talks animatedly into his mini-recorder.
KAUFMAN
We see Susan Orlean, delicate, fragile,
beautiful, haunted by loneliness, typing
at her desk. She looks at the camera and
talks to us: "John Laroche is a tall guy,
skinny as a stick, pale-eyed, slouch-
shouldered..."
Donald enters in his underwear, pours coffee.
DONALD
Morning.
KAUFMAN
Hey, hey.
DONALD
You seem chipper.
KAUFMAN
I'm good. I have some new ideas.
DONALD
Cool. Me too. I'm putting in a chase
sequence now. The killer flees on
horseback with the girl. The cop is
after them on a motorcycle. It's like a
battle between motors and horses.
KAUFMAN
They're all still one person, right?
DONALD
Yeah, hey, that's the big pay-off.
KAUFMAN
(nice)
Well, it sounds exciting.
DONALD
Thanks, man. Thanks.
Ratings
Scene 36 - Fleeting Desires
Orlean drives through swampy landscape. She talks to us.
ORLEAN
I suppose what I'd been doing in Florida
was trying to understand how people found
order and contentment and a sense of
purpose in the universe by fixing their
sighs on one single desire. Now I was
also trying to understand how someone
could end such intense desire without a
trace.
Orlean stops at a payphone and dials. It rings for a while.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
(groggy)
Yeah what?
ORLEAN
Hello, John, it's Susan.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Yeah hi.
ORLEAN
So, how's everything going?
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Great! I'm training myself on the
internet. It's fascinating. I'm doing
pornography. It's amazing how much these
suckers will pay for photographs of
chicks. And it doesn't matter if they're
fat or ugly or what.
ORLEAN
That sounds good.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
It's great is what it is.
ORLEAN
So I've been meeting a lot of orchid
people, going to shows, I thought you
might want to hear about it.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Sorry. I am officially no longer
interested in orchids or the losers who
are still interested in them. The end.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche hangs up. Orlean looks off into the flat distance.
ORLEAN
If you really loved something, wouldn't a
little of it always linger?
She turns to the camera.
Ratings
Scene 37 - Passion in Transition
Kaufman holds The Orchid Thief open with one hand and types
with the other.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Susan Orlean drives. The golden light of
the afternoon sun caresses her sweet
face. She talks to us.
(copying from book)
"Florida is a landscape of transition and
mutation, a hybrid of ..."
Kaufman's hand slips, the book shuts. He opens it to the
wrong page and sees an About The Author paragraph. The last
line jumps off the page: "She now lives in New York City with
her husband."
EXT. L.A. STREET - NIGHT
Kaufman wanders the street, distraught. A passing woman
snickers.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman types.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Susan and her husband eat dinner in
silence. A dying relationship. Husband:
You want to do something tonight? Susan:
I should work. Y'know. I got stuff...
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY
Kaufman and Orlean move furniture into the room. It now
looks warm and inviting. Orlean wears a bandana kerchief.
KAUFMAN
I'm so thrilled I get to adapt your book,
get to merge my thoughts with yours. I
love that. It's intimate, like a
marriage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
Not like a marriage.
KAUFMAN
Maybe what marriage could be.
Her eyes tear up. She kisses him.
ORLEAN
Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?
My three years in Florida meditating on
my inability to experience passion
resulted in my finding it with you.
Ratings
Scene 38 - Creative Turmoil and Self-Discovery
Kaufman paces with his mini-recorder. Off-screen typing.
KAUFMAN
... and in the final sequence Susan as a
young girl swings alone in the backyard.
From high in the air she sees her parents
in separate rooms staring blankly in
opposite directions. This symbolizes the
profound scarring their waning passion
has had on the girl's psyche, how she
became afraid to ever really love
something because it would go away.
Kaufman is immensely pleased. He smiles at Orlean's photo.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
This is good. I'm finding you.
The phone rings.
KAUFMAN
Yallo?
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Hi, Charlie. It's Valerie. Just bugging
you again. How's everything going?
KAUFMAN
Good. I think really good now.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Great. So I spoke to Susan yesterday.
KAUFMAN
(beat)
Oh. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
I told her you were making terrific
progress and she's really excited to read
the script.
Sweat appears on Kaufman's brow.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Good.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
And she said she'd love to meet you.
All color drains from Kaufman's face.
KAUFMAN
Um, well, y'know, for me it's distracting
to... or confusing to discuss what I'm
exploring in the screenplay at this
point... before I finish... it. So...
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
That's fair. I'll let her know.
KAUFMAN
Tell Susan I'd be very happy to meet her
at a future date. As she sees fit.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Okay. Good enough.
KAUFMAN
And tell her how much I love her book.
Say I think she's such a great writer.
VALERIE (cont'd)
Will do. Just keep us posted, Charlie.
KAUFMAN
Okay. Nice talking to you. Okay then.
Kaufman hangs up and looks at the photo of Orlean. It's
still smiling, but not at him. It's not glowing. Maybe it's
even smirking. Kaufman paces frantically, holding his
stomach. Donald's off-screen typing grows louder.
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Donald types at his desk on his computer. Kaufman storms in.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
You can sit here and pretend to be a
writer, mocking the seriousness of what I
do, like some kind of fucking funhouse
mirror version of me! But let me tell
you, you don't know what writing is!
Kaufman grabs his stomach, doubles over.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY
Kaufman is on a gurney and hooked up to an IV. He watches a
slightly haggard woman with a bandaged head sitting in a
small room across the hall. She glances over in his
direction. He smiles. She looks through him.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
She thinks I'm repulsive.
He lies there for a moment, then his eyes light up.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY
Kaufman types passionately on his computer.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Movie opens.: Charlie Kaufman, fat, old,
bald, paces the room. His voice-over
carpets the scene. "I am old. I am fat.
I am bald. My toenails have turned
strange. I am repulsive. How repulsive?
I don't know for I suffer from a
condition called Body Dysmorphic
Disorder."
INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY
Kaufman, looking tired and wild-eyed, sits with his agent.
JERRY
... we need to talk about the orchid
script. Valerie called yesterday.
They're getting antsy.
KAUFMAN
I think I've got it on track now.
JERRY
Good. She said you sounded weird.
KAUFMAN
No Hollywood bullshit. Just raw truth.
Sometimes that takes a while to find.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
JERRY
Okay. What's the time frame here?
KAUFMAN
It's goddamned honest, Jerry. It's true.
JERRY
Oh, hey, my friend sent me this fucked-
up internet thing. It's a girl taking a
shit, but a trout comes out. You got e-
mail yet? I'll send it to you.
KAUFMAN
This is more honest than anything
anyone's ever done before in a movie,
I'll tell you that. The only truth we
can offer is the truth that's our own
experience of the world. "The great
poet, in writing himself, writes his
time." T.S. Eliot.
JERRY
It sounds good, buddy. But we do need to
give Valerie a ballpark --
KAUFMAN
I'm sick of their constant harassment!
Ratings
Scene 39 - Reflections on Nature and Existence
Black and white shot of Laroche and the Indians slogging
through Fakahatchee. The camera swoops down and the scene
turns into a mannequin version.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
On December 21, 1993 John Laroche and
three Seminoles illegally removed one
hundred and thirty rare plants from the
Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve.
INT. MIAMI CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
It's an enormous hall filled with people setting up elaborate
displays. Martin Motes and his assistant work on the
Laroche display. Orlean watches them. Motes looks up.
MOTES
You've been checking out the displays?
ORLEAN
Yeah.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MOTES
It's the Miami centennial, we're supposed
to illustrate something about Florida
history.
ORLEAN
Right. Now Laroche is part of Florida
history. As a mannequin.
MOTES
It's a world of words to the end of
it./In which nothing solid is its solid
self. You'll have to forgive me, I'm a
reformed poetry professor.
Orlean is moved by the quote.
ORLEAN
Who is that?
MOTES
Wallace Stevens.
INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - NIGHT
Orlean stands in the poetry section and reads a Wallace
Stevens book.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
The greatest poverty is not to live/In a
physical world, to feel that one's
desire/is too difficult to tell from
despair.
Ratings
Scene 40 - Obsession and Self-Doubt
Kaufman is on the floor typing. His mini-recorder is on.
KAUFMAN'S VOICE (ON RECORDER)
Kaufman sits across from Valerie, a
pretty film executive. He eyes her as
she picks at her salad. She looks up and
he looks down. He sweats. She
compliments him on his work. She rubs
her nose. He pulls at his nostrils. He
tries to sound like he knows what he's
talking about. He's full of shit.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Orlean dials the phone.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Yeah.
ORLEAN
John, it's Susan.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
I know.
ORLEAN
I went to the Orchid Society Show a
couple of days ago.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
I'm not interested.
ORLEAN
There was a display of you stealing the
ghost orchids. You're famous.
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
I'm not involved in that world now.
ORLEAN
So, look, John, I still haven't seen a
ghost. And I was wondering --
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Yeah, yeah. I'll take you in.
ORLEAN
Really? Thank you so much! I just...
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Tomorrow. Pick me up at 5:30 am or it'll
get too hot. I'll buy all the supplies
we'll need.
Ratings
Scene 41 - Self-Consumption
Kaufman types.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Kaufman jerks off to the book jacket
photo of Susan Orlean.
Donald appears in the doorway with a script.
KAUFMAN
What?! What do you want?
DONALD
I finished. My script. I'm done.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Kaufman stares at his typewriter, doesn't say anything.
DONALD (cont'd)
So would you show it to your agent?
Kaufman grabs Donald's script and throws it on his bed.
DONALD (cont'd)
Thanks. Also, I wanted to thank you for
your idea. It was very helpful. I
changed it a little. Now the killer cuts
off body pieces and makes the victims eat
them. It's, like, I once saw this
picture of a snake swallowing it's tail --
Kaufman collapses, puts his head in his hands.
KAUFMAN
Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't know what that means.
KAUFMAN
The snake is called Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't think so. But it's cool for my
killer to have this modus operandi.
Because at the end when he forces the
woman, who's really just him, to eat
herself, he's also eating himself to
death.
KAUFMAN
I'm insane. I'm Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't know what that is.
KAUFMAN
I've written myself into my screenplay.
It's eating itself. I'm eating myself.
DONALD
Oh. That's kinda weird.
KAUFMAN
It's self-indulgent. It's narcissistic.
It's solipsistic. It's pathetic. I'm
pathetic. I'm fat and pathetic.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
DONALD
I'm sure you had a good reason, Charles.
You're an artist.
KAUFMAN
The reason is I'm too timid to speak to
the woman who wrote the book. Because
I'm pathetic. Because I have no idea how
to write. Because I can't make flowers
fascinating. Because I suck.
DONALD
Hey, am I in the script, too?
KAUFMAN
I'm going to New York. I'll meet her.
That's it. That's what I have to do.
DONALD
Don't get mad at me for saying this,
Charles, but Bob's got a seminar in New
York this weekend. So if you're stuck --
Kaufman shoots Donald a look.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
The lights are off. Orlean is in bed, sleeping fitfully.
INT. PLANE - NIGHT
Kaufman reads Ann Landers's column in a paper dated July 4th.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Give yourself a reality check. Phoniness
is transparent, and it is tiresome. Take
pleasure in the beauty and wonders of
nature. A flower is God's miracle.
Out the window he sees colorful fireworks far down below,
like small flowers blooming on the black earth. His eyes
well with tears.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman sleeps fitfully.
Ratings
Scene 42 - Dreams and Desires
Orlean walks through alone, panicked. All the vegetation is
greener and crazier-looking than we've seen before. Things
slither by in the water, brush up against her.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
She tenses, steps into a sinkhole, flails, gets tangled in a
vine, which wraps around her leg as she attempts to extricate
herself. She falls face forward into the black water.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Orlean snaps awake, bedcovers tangled around her legs. She
heaves, looks at the clock. It's 3:30. She stares at the
ceiling. She looks at the clock again. It's 3:30. She
looks at the clock again. It's 4:10. She closes her eyes.
She opens them, looks at the clock, the room is filled with
murky water, the bed an island of dryness. An alligator
pokes its nose out of the water, begins to climb onto the
bed. Orlean jumps back, hits her head on the headboard. The
room is back to normal. The clock reads 4:23. She closes
her eyes. The alarm goes off.
EXT. LAROCHE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING
Orlean pulls up to the curb where Laroche stands, dressed in
a short sleeve shirt, thin pants, and his Miami Hurricanes
hat. He opens the door and climbs in.
ORLEAN
Where are our supplies?
LAROCHE
Got everything I need right here.
Laroche pulls a new pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.
Orlean turns off the ignition and stares at the steering
wheel. Laroche shrugs.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Look, don't worry about it. We'll get
crap at the Indian trading post on
Alligator Alley. Hey, want me to drive?
INT. CAR - A BIT LATER
The sun has come up strong. It looks hot. Laroche speeds
along with one finger on the wheel, paying little attention
to the road. The car veers onto the shoulder, he lazily
corrects it. Orlean is tense.
LAROCHE
I remember one time when I was a kid,
fifteen or so, my mother and I came to
the Fakahatchee to look for a ghost to
photograph. We walked for hours, through
the most intense heat I'd ever felt. We
couldn't find one. I wanted to turn
back. But my mom said, no.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
She said, John, if you keep searching for
something past doubt, past hopelessness,
past the absolute certainty that you'll
never find it, if you keep searching past
that, there it'll be. So we walked. I
had goddamn bloody blisters on my feet.
And we found ourselves in this charred
prairie, desolate, sun blasted, y'know.
And there in the middle of it was this
one gorgeous, snowy Polyrrhiza lindenii.
They drive in silence for a little while. She watches him.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Orlean types at her desk. She turns to us and talks.
ORLEAN
He made it sound like a Bible story, the
hopeful journey through darkness into
light. I never thought many people in
the world were like John, but I was
realizing more and more that Laroche was
an extreme, not an aberration -- most
people in some way or another do strive
for something exceptional, something to
pursue, even at their peril, rather than
abide an ordinary life.
EXT. MIDTOWN NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY
Kaufman, sweaty and anxious, walks along. He arrives at the
New Yorker building and enters with steely determination.
INT. BUILDING - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Kaufman waits for the elevator, sweating even more profusely.
The elevator doors open. People get off, people get on, the
elevator doors close. Kaufman still stands there.
Ratings
Scene 43 - Swamp Struggles and Urban Despair
Laroche and Orlean step off the levee into black water. They
sink to their knees. The ground is soft; it's a struggle to
pull their feet up to walk. Things slither past in the
water. Something big runs by in the distance. Bees, and
dragonflies hover. Gnats and mosquitoes bite. Birds
screech. Frogs croak. Laroche points to a yellow flower.
LAROCHE
Here we go. Encyclia tempensis.
Laroche lights a cigarette.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Nice little sucker, isn't it?
Orlean examines it from a distance.
ORLEAN
Cute.
Laroche continues walking and Orlean attempts to keep pace.
He points at a tiny orchid on another tree.
LAROCHE
Clamshell orchid. You know that.
ORLEAN
Uh-huh.
LAROCHE
See, I found you two already. I'll show
you every orchid you want today. I'll
find you a fucking ghost if it kills me.
(pointing to another orchid)
Rigid Epidendrum. That's an ugly-ass
orchid. But I'm no snob. I'm interested
in all orchids. Not just pretty ones.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - A FEW MINUTES LATER
A miserable Kaufman sits in the window, sipping coffee and
watching the New Yorker building across the street. He
steels himself, exits the coffee shop.
INT. ELEVATOR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Kaufman rides up in the crowded elevator. It stops a few
times; people get off and on. Kaufman sweats. The doors
open. The New Yorker logo is painted on the wall opposite
the elevator. Nobody gets off or on. The doors close. The
elevator continues up. Kaufman hates himself. Soon the
elevator is emptied out with the exception of Kaufman. It
begins its descent and stops once again at the New Yorker.
This time Orlean gets on. Kaufman is absolutely panicked.
Orlean looks at him blankly, presses "lobby", and faces
front. Kaufman sweats, studies the back of her head. The
elevator arrives at the lobby. Orlean gets out. Kaufman
hesitates, then follows.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY
Orlean walks along. Kaufman follows her.
EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNING
The sun is much higher in the sky. Orlean is a sweaty mess,
frizzed hair, anxious, scraped, dirty.
LAROCHE
(peppy)
They're right nearby. Just follow me.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Orlean sits by herself, reading Vanity Fair. Kaufman sits a
few tables away. He scribbles in his notebook.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Reads Vanity Fair. Funny detail: New
Yorker writer reads Vanity Fair. Use!
A waitress brings a tuna sandwich and an ice tea to Orlean.
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
Likes tuna, drinks ice tea. Good
character details. Good stuff!
Orlean looks up from her magazine and smiles at the waitress.
ORLEAN
Thanks. Could I get some lemon please?
The waitress nods and leaves. Kaufman scribbles.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Likes lemon in tea and her voice is not
at all what I imagined. Interesting!
EXT. SWAMP - NOON
Orlean follows Laroche. She watches him start off in one
direction, stop, start off another direction, then go
straight ahead. Orlean seems depressed.
ORLEAN
Laroche, can I ask you a personal
question?
Laroche turns and scowls at her.
LAROCHE
We're not lost.
EXT. NYC STREET - DAY
Orlean window shops at a shoe store. Kaufman takes notes.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Eyeing Stuart Weitzman pumps. Okay.
Orlean heads down the street. Kaufman follows. She enters
the New Yorker building. Kaufman waits outside.
EXT. SWAMP - DAY
The sun is hot. Laroche is twenty feet ahead of Orlean. She
watches him march forward with great authority. She massages
her eyebrows, leaving a residue of dirt on her face.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Kaufman reviews his notes. He is sweaty and wild-eyed.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I have nothing. I am nothing. I am fat.
I am over. I am lost.
Ratings
Scene 44 - Lost in the Swamp
The sun is high. Orlean and Laroche sit on dry ground. She
stares at him. Laroche won't look at her. He busies himself
opening the backpack and pulling out food. Finally, Laroche
speaks without looking up.
LAROCHE
We're not lost.
Laroche takes out a cigarette, lights it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
I'm just turned around a little.
He looks up at her, sees her staring at him. He pokes around
on the ground for something, comes up with a straight twig.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
A sundial. I'll just set this up, wait a
few minutes, and we'll be able to tell
which way the sun is moving. We want to
be heading southeast.
Laroche sticks the twig into the ground, stares at it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
This is no big deal. You should eat
something.
Orlean takes a cracker. This relaxes Laroche. He stretches
his legs, knocks over the twig. Without looking at Orlean,
he puts the twig back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
So do you collect anything?
ORLEAN
(non-responsive)
Not really.
LAROCHE
Well, y'know it's not really about
collecting the thing, it's about --
ORLEAN
The sundial isn't working.
Laroche looks down at it.
LAROCHE
It is so working.
Orlean stares at the twig in the ground. She looks at
Laroche. Laroche smiles sheepishly at Orlean. Rage and
panic sweep across her face, her fists clench into balls.
Her eyes become wild, some dark fantasy plays out in her
brain. Laroche seems unaware.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
The thing about computers. The thing I
like is that I'm immersed in it but it's
not a living thing that's going to leave
or die or something. I prefer having the
minimum number of living things to worry
about in my life.
Orlean's anger softens. She looks sadly at Laroche.
ORLEAN
So, John...
LAROCHE
Okay, fuck the sundial. We'll just go
straight and eventually we'll get there.
They rise.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
What I mean is we'll get somewhere. Out
of here. I mean, logically, we have to
get out as long as we walk straight.
Laroche points them in a direction and they walk.
Ratings
Scene 45 - Struggles of Self-Doubt
Kaufman is sleeping. It looks like it's been a rough night.
The phone rings. He reaches for it.
KAUFMAN
Hello?
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Hey, it's Jerry. I woke you?
KAUFMAN
No, it's okay.
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
How's it going? Has it been helpful to
talk to the writer? What's her name?
KAUFMAN
Yeah. Susan Orlean.
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Well, I mean, are you making headway?
Valerie's breathing down my neck.
KAUFMAN
You can't rush inspiration. Y'know?
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Okay, fine. Um, the other reason I'm
calling is to tell you Me, Myself, and I
is just amazing.
KAUFMAN
What the hell is Me, Myself, and I?
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Your brother's script. It's tight,
inventive. A smart, edgy thriller. The
best spec script I've read this year.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Good.
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
I'm gonna sell it for a shitload. Two
fucking talented guys in one family.
Y'know, maybe you could bring Donald on
to help you finish the orchid thing.
KAUFMAN
Jerry, don't say that. I mean --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Just a thought, buddy. He's really
goddamn amazing at structure.
KAUFMAN
Jerry, I gotta go. I have an
appointment. I gotta go.
JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)
Adios, buddy. Finish! Finish!
EXT. NYC STREETS (MONTAGE) - MORNING
Kaufman wanders. He eyes other sad-looking, balding,
overweight men wandering the streets also.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am fat. I can't write. I am
repulsive. I am old. I have
accomplished nothing. I am just one more
old, fat, bald man on the street.
Ratings
Scene 46 - Struggles of Self and Story
Laroche leads the way. There's a sadness, a sense of defeat
and humiliation that he tries to conceal. Orlean is stony.
LAROCHE
I've done this a million times. Whenever
everything's killing me, I just say to
myself, screw it, and go straight ahead.
Laroche leads Orlean back into the brush.
EXT. NYC STREET - MORNING
Kaufman sees a white school building ahead, glowing in the
sun. He walks toward it.
INT. LOBBY - MORNING
The lobby of an auditorium, crowded with enthusiastic people
signing up for something. Kaufman waits in line. He
watches the handsome guy ahead of him flirt with an
attractive female registrar. The guy moves on and the
attractive registrar looks without interest at Kaufman.
REGISTRAR
May I help you?
Kaufman averts his eyes from her cool gaze; they come to rest
on a pile of McKee's book Story next to her.
INT. AUDITORIUM - A BIT LATER
Kaufman sits in the packed room. McKee paces the stage with
a mic clipped to his lapel.
MCKEE
Years from now you'll be standing around
a posh cocktail party congratulating
yourself on how you spent an entire
weekend locked in a room with an asshole,
an opinionated arrogant asshole, for your
art.
The audience laughs, except for Kaufman who looks pained.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am pathetic. I am a loser. I am fat.
MCKEE
So... what is the substance of writing?
Nothing as trivial as words is at the
heart of this great art, my friends.
McKee continues to talk but his voice goes under.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I have failed. I am panicked. I am fat.
I have sold out. I am worthless. I...
MCKEE
Literary talent is not enough. First,
last, and always, the imperative is to
tell a story.
Kaufman watches with disdain as people take notes.
MCKEE
Twenty three hundred years ago, Aristotle
said, when storytelling goes bad in a
society, the result is decadence.
(deadpan)
Well, just look around you.
Everyone, except Kaufman, laughs giddily at McKee's joke.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Aristotle also said: A story must have a
beginning, a middle, and an end.
The students nod in appreciation at this profundity.
Ratings
Scene 47 - Isolation in the Crowd
McKee scribbles a diagram onto a transparency in an overhead
projector. It's some kind of complicated time-line with act-
breaks and corresponding page numbers indicated. The
audience members take copious notes. Kaufman sweats.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of
conviction that brings me here with all
these desperate idiots lapping up
everything this bag of wind spouts. Easy
answers. Rules to short-cut yourself to
success. And here I am, because my jaunt
into the abyss brought me nothing. Well,
isn't that the risk one takes for
attempting something new. I should leave
here right now. I'll start over --
(starts to rise)
I need to face this project head on and --
MCKEE
... and God help you if you use voice-
over in your work, my friends.
Kaufman stops, looks up, startled. McKee seems to be looking
at him.
MCKEE
God fucking help you! It's flaccid,
sloppy writing. Any idiot can write
voice-over narration to explain the
thoughts of a character. You must
present the internal conflicts of your
character in image, in symbol. Film is a
medium of movement and image.
Kaufman looks around at people scribbling in notebooks. "Any
idiot..." writes the guy on one side of him. "Flaccid..."
writes the guy on the other side.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Okay, one hour for lunch.
EXT. NYC STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Students exit onto the street in small groups. Kaufman
wanders by himself. His face is troubled. There is no sound.
Ratings
Scene 48 - The Struggle for Originality
McKee lectures. Kaufman sits and listens. A copy of
Aristotle's Poetics sits on his lap. The book features a
bust of Aristotle on the cover.
MCKEE
You want your writing to be original.
You want to have an original voice like
Neil Simon or Nora Ephron. Well, let me
tell you something, my friends. The key
to originality is not eccentricity.
A guy behind Kaufman gives an appreciative "mmmm."
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
It's late. The audience is tired, but still attentive. Now
Kaufman takes serious notes. McKee, energetic as ever, wears
his sweater tied around his shoulders. We stay firmly
planted on his face as he talks and talks.
MCKEE
Long speechs are antithetical to the
nature of cinema. The Greeks called it
stykomythia -- the rapid exchange of
ideas. A long speech in a script, say a
page long, requires that the camera hold
on the actor's face for a minute. Look
at the second hand on your watch as it
makes one complete rotation around the
clock face and you'll get an idea of how
intolerable that would be for an
audience. The ontology of the screen is
that it's always now and it's always
action and it's always vivid. Life is
rarely vivid. And that's an important
point. We are not recreating life on the
screen. Writers are not tape recorders.
Have you ever eavesdropped on people
talking in a coffee shop? Then you know
how dull and tedious real conversation
is. Real people are not interesting.
There's not a person in this world -- and
I include myself in this -- who would be
interesting enough to take as is and put
in a movie as a character.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER STILL
McKee faces the audience, holding a cup of coffee.
MCKEE
Someone asked me recently, Bob, do you
think Michelle Pfeiffer is pretty.
He pauses theatrically, sips his coffee, then:
MCKEE (cont'd)
(deadpan)
Michelle Pfeiffer is proof, my friends,
that there's a fucking God.
The overtired audience breaks into uproarious laughter.
Kaufman, with dark circles under his eyes, giggles a little.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Okay. That's it for tonight. Remember,
there'll be a Q and A tomorrow morning
before class starts.
INT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Kaufman tosses and turns in bed.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DREAM-LIKE FIELD - DAY
The daguerreotype Darwin, the Aristotle sculpture, the Hegel
engraving, and the Orlean book jacket photo are alive and in
the middle of brutal and bloody fist fight.
Ratings
Scene 49 - Confrontation and Connection
Kaufman, bleary-eyed, sits in the back. McKee paces.
MCKEE
Anyone else?
Kaufman timidly raises his hand.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Yes?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
You talked about Crisis as the ultimate
decision a character makes, but what if a
writer is attempting to create a story
where nothing much happens, where people
don't change, they don't have any
epiphanies. They struggle and are
frustrated and nothing is resolved. More
a reflection of the real world --
MCKEE
The real world? The real fucking world?
First of all, if you write a screenplay
without conflict or crisis, you'll bore
your audience to tears. Secondly:
Nothing happens in the real world? Are
you out of your fucking mind? People are
murdered every day! There's genocide and
war and corruption! Every fucking day
somewhere in the world somebody
sacrifices his life to save someone else!
Every fucking day someone somewhere makes
a conscious decision to destroy someone
else! People find love! People lose it,
for Christ's sake! A child watches her
mother beaten to death on the steps of a
church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody
else betrays his best friend for a woman!
If you can't find that stuff in life,
then you, my friend, don't know much
about life! And why the fuck are you
taking up my precious two hours with your
movie? I don't have any use for it! I
don't have any bloody use for it!
KAUFMAN
Okay, thanks.
EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT
The last of the students are filing out. Kaufman waits,
leaning against the building. McKee emerges, carrying his
brown leather bag. A shaky, tired Kaufman approaches him.
KAUFMAN
Mr. McKee?
MCKEE
Yes?
KAUFMAN
I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MCKEE
(trying to recall)
I need more.
KAUFMAN
I was the one who thought things didn't
happen in life.
MCKEE
Oh, right, okay. Nice to see you.
KAUFMAN
I need to talk.
MCKEE
I make it a rule not to give private
tutorials to my seminar students. It
wouldn't be fair to the others.
KAUFMAN
Mr. McKee, please. My even standing here
is very scary. I don't meet people well.
I'm self-conscious and timid. But what
you said this morning shook me to the
bone. What you said was bigger than my
screenwriting choices. It's about my
choices as a human being. Please.
McKee hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and puts his
arm around Kaufman.
MCKEE
I could use a drink, my friend.
Ratings
Scene 50 - Navigating Doubts
Laroche and Orlean slog through the water with purpose,
looking only straight ahead. As they walk the sounds and
colors become subdued. Soon there is silence.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
We turned to the right and saw only more
cypress and palm and sawgrass
They turn left and see metal flashing in the sunlight.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
So we turned to the left, and there, far
down the diagonal of the levee, we could
see the gleam of a fender. We followed
it like a beacon all the way to the road.
Orlean and Laroche walk toward the car.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Kaufman and McKee sit at a table with beers. Kaufman reads
from his copy of The Orchid Thief.
KAUFMAN
... We followed it like a beacon all the
way to the road.
Kaufman closes the book. There's a pause.
MCKEE
Then what happens?
KAUFMAN
That's the book. I wanted to present it
simply, without big character arcs or
sensationalizing the story. I wanted to
show flowers as God's miracles. I
wanted to show that Orlean never saw the
blooming ghost orchid. It's about
disappointment.
MCKEE
I see. That's not a movie. You must go
back and put in the drama.
KAUFMAN
(pause)
I've got pages of false starts and wrong
approaches. I'm way past my deadline. I
can't go back.
MCKEE
Ah, the everpresent deadline. Yes, I was
doing a Kojak once and... it was hell.
McKee sips his beer, eyes Kaufman.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Tell you a secret. The last act makes
the film. You can have an uninvolving,
tedious movie, but wow them at the end,
and you've got a hit. Find an ending.
Use what you've learned this weekend.
Give them that and you'll be fine.
Tears form in Kaufman's eyes.
KAUFMAN
You promise?
McKee smiles. Kaufman hugs him. McKee recognizes his bulk.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
MCKEE
You've taken my course before?
KAUFMAN
My brother did. My twin brother Donald.
He's the one who got me to come.
MCKEE
Twin screenwriters. Julius and Philip
Epstein,who wrote Casablanca were twins.
KAUFMAN
You mentioned that in class.
MCKEE
The finest screenplay ever written.
Ratings
Scene 51 - Climactic Confusion
A drunken Kaufman paces, tries to read Story. McKee's Ten
Commandments are taped to the wall. As is a photo of
Michelle Pfeiffer ripped from a magazine.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Climax. A revolution in values from
positive to negative or negative to
positive with or without irony -- a value
swing at maximum charge that's absolute
and irreversible.
Kaufman is lost. He rubs his temples. He dials the phone.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Great writers residence.
KAUFMAN
Donald.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Hey, how's the trip? Gettin' it on with
that lady journalist? You dog you!
KAUFMAN
Yeah. Listen, I'm calling to say
congratulations on your script.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Isn't that cool? Jerry says he can make
me, like, high-sixes against a mill-five.
KAUFMAN
That's great, Donald.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
I want to thank you for all your help.
KAUFMAN
I wasn't any help.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
C'mon, you let me stay in your place and
your integrity inspired me to even try.
KAUFMAN
Well, look, I've been thinking, maybe
you'd be interested in hanging out with
me in New York for a few days.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Oh my God, yes! I'm flattered!
Ratings
Scene 52 - Creative Tensions and Awkward Revelations
Donald lies on his back on the floor intently reading the
script. Kaufman paces. Donald finishes, is quiet.
KAUFMAN
So, like, what would you do?
DONALD
Script kind of makes fun of me, huh?
KAUFMAN
Sorry. I was trying something. I --
DONALD
Hey, I don't mind. It's funny.
KAUFMAN
Okay. So, what would you do?
DONALD
You and me are so different, Charles.
We're different talents.
KAUFMAN
I know. Just for fun. How would the
great Donald end this script?
DONALD
(giggling)
The great Donald.
(serious)
Well, I mean... do you need the whole
court case?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
Uh, it's what happened to Laroche. It's
kind of important.
DONALD
It's boring. No offense. A courtroom
scene should be dramatic. Stick the
ruling in a line of dialogue, maybe.
KAUFMAN
Um. Okay.
DONALD
Too much about orchids. Get rid of it.
Pare that stuff down to a minimum.
Frankly, I'd focus more on the
relationship between the brothers. I
think that's the gold here. No one cares
about orchids.
KAUFMAN
The book's about orchids.
DONALD
That's a problem. But don't let it ruin
the movie. I mean, for example, use the
orchids in a more dramatic way. Have
some kind of bang-up, crazy action
sequence in the swamp. Use the swamp
better. It's a tremendous fictional
world. A setting of great dramatic
possibility.
KAUFMAN
That's true. But --
DONALD
And put some twists in. Reveal some
surprising thing about Laroche. God,
what am I doing giving suggestions to
you? I mean you're like a seasoned
professional. You're an artist.
KAUFMAN
C'mon, you're the "mill-five" kid.
DONALD
(enjoying this)
Shut up!
(thinks)
I love the Laroche porno web-site stuff.
Is that real? Maybe make a bigger deal
of that. I don't know.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
KAUFMAN
I think it's real. I haven't actually
seen the site.
DONALD
It's sex, man! Incorporate it.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
The front door opens and Kaufman enters. The lights are off,
but the room is aglow with light from Donald's laptop
computer. Kaufman sees a silhouetted Donald masturbating in
front of the computer. Donald looks up, caught.
DONALD
Oh, hi, I was doing some research. I
found Laroche's site and... I'm
embarrassed.
KAUFMAN
Jesus, Donald.
Kaufman passes Donald, glances at the grainy nude on the
screen. He's stunned. It's Orlean smiling at him.
DONALD
What? She's kinda cute. You don't like
her? I dunno, I think she's okay. It's
not like I'm marrying her.
Kaufman shows Donald Orlean's book jacket photo.
DONALD (cont'd)
Oh, wow. That's kind of a twist, huh?
KAUFMAN
Jesus. Jesus!
DONALD
I think this is maybe a good thing for
the script. Go ask her about this.
KAUFMAN
I'm not gonna ask her about this.
DONALD
You want me to? I don't mind.
KAUFMAN
No, I don't want you to.
DONALD
I could easily pretend I'm you.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
No! No!
Ratings
Scene 53 - Stealth and Song
Donald, dressed like Kaufman, waits by the elevators. Orlean
emerges. He's about to talk to her, when she pulls out a
cell phone and dials. Donald decides to be a spy and follows
her out of the building.
EXT. NEW YORK OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Orlean talks on the phone. Donald trails close behind her.
ORLEAN
So you'll pick me up? Yeah, tomorrow.
Orlean stops to look in a shoe store window. Donald stops
and looks in the window also. Orlean doesn't notice him.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
Ten-twenty. TWA. Yes, of course I will.
Donald walks off.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Donald is focused on the computer. Kaufman sits in a chair
in the corner. Both men are in pajamas.
KAUFMAN
What was she wearing?
DONALD
I don't know. Like a dress maybe.
KAUFMAN
Did she look at me? At you?
DONALD
Finally! Da-da-da-daaaaah! S. Orlean,
TWA flight 651. Arriving Miami 10:20
tomorrow morning.
Donald turns and smiles across the room to Kaufman.
KAUFMAN
I don't want to do this, Donald.
DONALD
We'll go together. It'll be good.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Kaufman looks squeamish. Donald picks up a hairbrush, holds
it to his mouth. He starts to sing "Happy Together."
Kaufman smiles sheepishly, shrugs Donald off. Donald
persists. Finally Kaufman joins in. They do the whole
number and fall laughing into each other's arms.
Ratings
Scene 54 - The Chase and the Heartbreak
Orlean waits with a suitcase outside the terminal. The beat-
up white van pulls up. Orlean gets in, the van speeds off.
Another car pulls away from the curb and follows it.
INT. CAR - A BIT LATER
Donald drives, keeping up with the van, which speeds and
swerves through traffic. Kaufman is sweaty, nervous.
KAUFMAN
It's so weird to actually see that van in
real life.
DONALD
So you want to build the symbolic charge
of the story's imagery from the
particular to the universal. Okay?
KAUFMAN
Okay, but when you're creating an image
system, how do you know --
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATER
The van pulls into the driveway of a neat, middle-class
house. Kaufman and Donald drive by, in time to see Orlean
and Laroche emerge from the van. Orlean seems different now:
more exotic. She's wearing some kind of sexy sarong. Donald
drives up the street, parks, gets out of the car, and watches
as Laroche lugs Orlean's suitcase into the house.
DONALD
I'll get a closer look. You wait here.
KAUFMAN
(momentously)
No, I want to go. I should go. I mean,
it should be me, right? I mean...
DONALD
Go for it, bro. You the man.
Kaufman gets out of the car. Donald gets in, peruses
Kaufman's script. Kaufman walks past the house, trying to
peer in windows. He sees nothing. He slinks around back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
In the yard, Kaufman finds a greenhouse. It's filled with
row upon row of ghost orchids.
KAUFMAN
Holy...
There's movement in a window in the house. Kaufman ducks.
LAROCHE (O.S.)
Darlin', I dunno what's come over you!
Kaufman crawls over to the house, lifts his face to the
window. Orlean and Laroche are laughing, kissing, groping,
and undressing each other. Kaufman is heartbroken but
transfixed. Suddenly Laroche locks eyes with Kaufman.
ORLEAN
Don't stop, Johnny.
Laroche jumps up and runs naked to the back door.
ORLEAN (CONT'D)
Johnny! Where are you going?
Kaufman makes a mad dash around the side of the house.
Laroche cuts him off, grabs him, drags him into the house.
Ratings
Scene 55 - A Dangerous Revelation
Laroche throws Kaufman down into a chair. The chair slides
across the floor, tips over. Orlean seems uninterested. She
kisses Laroche's leg.
LAROCHE
Who the hell are you?
Kaufman notices Laroche has a set of beautiful, white teeth.
KAUFMAN
I just... nobody, I just --
Laroche shakes Orlean off his leg, kicks Kaufman in the gut.
LAROCHE
Who the fuck are you?
KAUFMAN
Um. I'm just. I was at the wrong house.
I'm looking for the Johnson family.
LAROCHE
I got your Johnson family right here.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Laroche kicks Kaufman in the head. Orlean kisses Laroche's
back. Kaufman whimpers.
ORLEAN
Honey, come back to bed.
LAROCHE
Who the hell sent you? Rudy?
KAUFMAN
I'm not --
Again Laroche kicks Kaufman in the head. His scalp bleeds.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
I'm the screenwriter.
LAROCHE
What the fuck does that mean?
KAUFMAN
I'm the guy adapting her book. Her book
about you.
This registers with Laroche.
LAROCHE
Jesus Fucking Christ.
(then, trying to make sense)
Why the fuck were you in my backyard?
KAUFMAN
I was, um, trying... I don't know.
Orlean is unforgiving.
ORLEAN
Who's the bloody fat guy?
LAROCHE
This is the fellow adapting your book for
the movies, darling'.
ORLEAN
(excited)
Really? I wanted to meet --
(realizing)
Oh. What does he know?
KAUFMAN
I don't know anything. I swear.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
LAROCHE
He knows about the greenhouse.
(to Orlean)
We can't have this appear on the silver
screen.
KAUFMAN
It won't. I don't even under --
ORLEAN
Johnny, I'm so tired now.
Orlean lies down. Laroche paces. Donald peers, unseen, into
the back window.
LAROCHE
He needs to be gotten rid of.
KAUFMAN
What?!
Donald's eyes widen. Laroche paces. Orlean watches Laroche,
fascinated by his every muscle movement.
LAROCHE
Small article in newspaper.
Orlean snaps out of her muscle fixation, becomes fixated on
his voice, his lips.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Screenwriter doing research for movie
about notorious orchid poacher was found
drowned in the Fakahatchee after
accidentally slipping and hitting his
head on a rock. End of story. Is that
credible from a journalistic standpoint?
ORLEAN
Johnny, come lie on top of me.
LAROCHE
Focus, darling'. Is this credible?
ORLEAN
(concentrates)
Um, oh... this screenwriter was killed
doing research in Jamaica a few years
ago.
(to Kaufman)
Screenwriter, you have a car?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
KAUFMAN
I, um, no, I --
Laroche gets ready to kick him again.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
A rental, a rental.
ORLEAN
We drive his car there, leave it on the
side of the swamp. That works.
LAROCHE
Good. I like that.
ORLEAN
(to Kaufman)
Sorry.
KAUFMAN
Please.
Donald disappears from the window.
Ratings
Scene 56 - Tension in the Dawn
Kaufman drives. The headlights shine on Laroche's van ahead.
Orlean, no longer stoned, sits next to him, holding a gun.
She skims Kaufman's screenplay.
KAUFMAN
I thought I had a sense of you from your
book.
(beat)
I had a little crush on you, to tell the
truth. You're different than I thought.
ORLEAN
Huh.
KAUFMAN
Look, I don't care what you two are you
doing. Please don't kill me.
ORLEAN
Hey, here's one of my lines.
(mockingly reading from screen)
"Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?
My three years in Florida meditating on
my inability to experience passion
resulted in my finding it with you."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KAUFMAN
I was trying to do something.
ORLEAN
Well, it's kind of pathetic, dontcha
think?
They drive in silence. Orlean reads more of the screenplay.
ORLEAN
Here's me! Here's me again!
(mocking)
"I wanted to know what it's like to care
about something passionately."
Orlean laughs derisively.
KAUFMAN
You can laugh, but I didn't make that
line up. That's a quote from your book.
ORLEAN
Yeah, I know, Charlie-boy. Chill. I'm
laughing at who I used to be. It's sad.
KAUFMAN
So now you learned about passion.
(jealous)
From Weirdo Laroche. Bully for you.
ORLEAN
You can't learn about passion. You can
be passion. And it wasn't John who made
me passion. It was orchids.
KAUFMAN
I thought you didn't even like orchids.
ORLEAN
I lied about what happened at the end of
the book. On the way out of the swamp...
EXT. SWAMP - DAY
Laroche leads Orlean through the swamp. He spots something
on a tree, circles it, and stands there, awestruck. Orlean
comes around and sees a beautiful ghost orchid hanging from
the tree.
LAROCHE
The jewel of the Fakahatchee.
Orlean looks at it, tries to feel some passion for it, can't.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN
I still don't get it. I mean, there it
is. I can see it's pretty, but --
LAROCHE
You'll get it.
Laroche pulls a saw from his bag and cuts the branch.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
There's a makeshift lab. Laroche is extracting some gooey
substance from the nectary.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Back in John's basement he explained his
real plans for the ghost. He'd
discovered a chemical inside with
psychoactive properties. His plan had
always been to clone the flower and make
a fortune marketing this drug. It was
Laroche's kind of plan, it wasn't a
controlled substance because the
government didn't know it existed.
Ratings
Scene 57 - Passion and Obsession
Orlean nervously snorts some green powder off the coffee
table while Laroche watches. She talks to the camera.
ORLEAN
The first time I tried it, the split
second it took effect, I understood
orchids. I loved them with a passion I'd
never felt for anything. For anyone.
The drug takes effect and Orlean turns away from us, becomes
fixated on the ghost orchid sitting on the table before her.
She smells it, caresses it, cries at its beauty.
INT. RENTAL CAR - BEFORE DAWN
ORLEAN
Isn't it curious? An orchid made me
passionate about orchids.
KAUFMAN
You're throwing the truth away for a
chemical confusion of your synapses --
ORLEAN
With this powder I am passionate about
everything.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ORLEAN (cont'd)
I'm alive in a profound world now. It
sizzles with beauty and horror and sex.
Now writing is -- words are -- a way to
remove yourself from passion. So I'm
done with writing. John and I are making
a fortune with this extract. It's big in
the Miami club scene. We call it
"Passion."
(giggles)
Isn't that cute?
Up ahead, Laroche turns off the road at the Fakahatchee sign.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
Follow him, please.
Ratings
Scene 58 - Swamp Showdown
Laroche parks. Kaufman parks behind him. Orlean gestures
with her gun for him to get out. As Kaufman comes around the
car, he sees Donald on the floor of the back seat. Laroche
emerges from his van with a flashlight and a rifle slung over
his shoulder. Orlean prods Kaufman to follow him. Kaufman
shakes and whimpers as they all step down into the thigh-high
water. They slog through silently. Laroche stops.
LAROCHE
This spot looks good.
(thinking aloud)
Now how do we do this? Hit him in the
head with a rock first? Keeping in mind
we can only hit him once and only with as
much force as would be created by him
slipping and falling onto the rock.
Laroche paces. Orlean finds a place to sit on a hammock.
She unwraps a small square of paper and snorts something out
of it. Kaufman shivers. Orlean's drugs kick in.
ORLEAN
Holy Jesus. Holy... Hey, baby, hey...
Orlean trails off. Laroche talks to the spaced out Orlean.
LAROCHE
Should we drown him, then hit him on the
head? Uh-uh. A body bleeds different if
the heart's stopped. These new forensic
guys are very smart. We really have to
know our corpses to stand a chance: rigor
mortis, lividity, putrefecation, ocular
changes.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Maybe you think we hit him on the head
and force water into his lungs after he's
dead? No, darlin'. They'll know he
didn't drown. See, contrary to popular
belief, the lungs do not -- do not --
fill with water in a drowning. What
happens is, choking causes an irritation
of the mucous membranes. This creates a
shitload of mucus in the windpipe.
Efforts to breathe turn the mucus into a
sticky foam which may or may not mix with
vomit. It's the presence of this white
foam that indicates drowning. There's a
lot to be aware of, Susie. Shoeprints,
hair, microscopic fibers. Tire tracks.
They all tell a tale to today's forensic
scientists.
(to Kaufman)
What do you think? You're a writer. How
would you do it? What's a good way to
kill somebody?
KAUFMAN
I don't write this kind of bullshit.
LAROCHE
Don't get all huffy, I was simply --
Suddenly Laroche gets whacked in the back, flies forward into
the water. Orlean looks up, spaced. She's confused by a
second Kaufman standing there with a bag of potting soil.
Donald grabs Kaufman and they run back toward the road.
Laroche pulls himself from the water.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Fuck!
ORLEAN
(receptively)
Yeah, let's, baby.
She staggers moonily toward Laroche. He pushes her away.
LAROCHE
Not now. We got to kill that guy. And
now I guess that other guy as well.
ORLEAN
(disappointed)
Ohhh.
Ratings
Scene 59 - Swamp Pursuit and Tragic Rescues
Kaufman and Donald speed along the swamp road.
KAUFMAN
For Christ's sake, why didn't you do
something while we were in the car?
DONALD
My back had seized. I couldn't move.
Laroche's van pulls close to them and rams them from behind.
KAUFMAN
Shit!
It rams them again, this time sending them down into the
swamp. The van stops. Donald tries to back the car onto the
road; the wheels just spin. Laroche steps out of the van.
DONALD
We've gotta ditch this thing.
KAUFMAN
(hysterical)
It's a rental! It's a rental!
DONALD
Now!
Kaufman and Donald climb from the car, make their way deep
into the swamp. Laroche follows them in on foot, dragging
Orlean, who is admiring all the plant life.
ORLEAN
That's beautiful! What's that, Johnny?
What's that one called? I just so want
to fuck that flower, don't you?
LAROCHE
Asclepias lanceolata. Red milkweed.
Extremely fuckable. But we don't have
time.
Laroche shoots at the brothers. Kaufman whines.
LAROCHE
(to Orlean)
What's his name?
ORLEAN
Um, y'know... Charlie or something.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
LAROCHE
Charlie! Listen, let's talk! This pie
is big enough for four people!
(to Orlean)
Why are there two of him?
Orlean shrugs.
ORLEAN
Identical twigs?
(laughs crazily)
Did I say twigs? I meant twins.
Kaufman and Donald run through a colony of sawgrass. It
slices them like razor blades. Kaufman yells in pain. Blood
oozes through their shirts and pants.
LAROCHE
Cladium jamaicense, guys. Sawgrass. You
want to watch out for that. That's some
evil shit. Cut you up.
KAUFMAN
Fuck you, Laroche!
LAROCHE
Just tryin' to be helpful. Walk with us
and I'll be sure you avoid all the
pitfalls. I know these swamps forwards
and backwards. There's alligators and
poisonous snakes, fellas. Wild hogs.
Kaufman and Donald are stopped by a large body of water.
Nowhere to go. Laroche and Orlean close in. The brothers
run along the periphery of the lake. Donald stops.
DONALD
Wait. Do you hear something?
Kaufman stops, hears a distant galloping and squealing.
KAUFMAN
Donald, that sounds bad.
The brothers run in the opposite direction. The galloping
gets louder. It's wild pigs. Donald spots an airboat on the
shore. They jump onto it, search hysterically in the dark
for bow to start it. The pigs get closer. Laroche and
Orlean get closer. Donald finds a button, presses it, the
engine starts. They pull away from the shore just as the
pigs catch up. One pig leaps on board, squealing. Kaufman
kicks at it as Donald attempts to steer the boat. A kick
connects and the pig flies into the water.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
Laroche stands at the shoreline and fires his rifle. It
nicks the boat. Donald looks back and the boat heads for a
cypress stand.
KAUFMAN
Watch out, watch out, watch out!
Donald gets the boat back on course. Laroche and Orlean have
been left far behind. Donald slows the boat.
DONALD
I think we're okay.
Suddenly Laroche's van comes tearing around a corner and
speeds along the road at the water's edge. Orlean shoots at
the boat from the van window.
DONALD (cont'd)
Hold on!
Donald speeds up. The van keeps up, the shooting continues.
Bullets whiz. Kaufman puts his head in his hands. A bullet
hits the airboat's gas tank. It explodes in a ball of flame,
illuminating the whole swamp. Kaufman and Donald are thrown,
along with flaming pieces of debris. Donald treads water,
looks all around for Kaufman.
DONALD (cont'd)
Charles?! Charles?! Where are you?
Underwater. A dazed Kaufman tries to get his bearings. The
murky lake bottom is lit a dim orange by the fire on the
surface. An alligator appears. Kaufman panics, surfaces.
On the surface, Donald spots Kaufman pop out of the water,
then get jerked back down. Donald dives.
Underwater. The alligator violently shakes Kaufman by the
leg. Donald surfaces, comes back down with a broken
propeller blade. He hacks the alligator's head off, grabs
Kaufman, and brings him to the surface.
Donald swims to shore with Kaufman in tow. Another shot is
fired. It skims the water near Kaufman.
KAUFMAN
Fuck! Fuck, Donald, we're dead.
DONALD
We're okay. How's your leg?
KAUFMAN
I don't know. How's your back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
DONALD
It's fine. My back is fine.
Laroche and Orlean circle the lake in the van, shooting.
Mike Owen, in pajamas, leaves his house, jumps in his truck
and agitatedly drives toward the noise and flames.
Donald makes it to shore. He climbs out and is helping
Kaufman, when he gets hit by a bullet and falls.
KAUFMAN
Donald!
Kaufman sloshes to shore. His right leg is bloody and
mangled. He lifts his brother's head onto his lap.
KAUFMAN
You're gonna be okay.
DONALD
No. But don't let them get you, too.
(weak smile)
You got a fucking awesome third act.
KAUFMAN
(crying)
Donald, this is an awful, bizarre thing
to say and an awful time to say it, but
I'm sorry I didn't get to know you
better. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
DONALD
It's really... You've been really nice.
KAUFMAN
See, it's just I thought I knew you
already. I thought you were me. And I
hated me.
Donald touches Kaufman's face. Kaufman looks at his brother.
Donald's face glows radiantly in the fire light.
DONALD
Well, don't do that anymore. Okay?
KAUFMAN
Okay.
Donald dies. Kaufman screams heavenward. The van appears
out of the bush, barreling for them. Kaufman rolls his
brother out of the way, and limps off into a slough. The van
follows, smashes into a tree, and comes to a halt.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4)
Smoke pours from the grill and is lit by the headlights. Out
of the smoke, Laroche and Orlean appear with guns. They
follow Kaufman into the swamp.
Mike Owen pulls next to the disabled van. He gets out,
surveys the mess, sees bloody Donald on the ground.
MIKE OWEN
Jesus, that writer guy.
Owen grabs his C.B., tries to radio for help. It's broken.
He lifts Donald into the back of the truck and speeds off.
Kaufman limps through the dark water. Laroche and Orlean
follow the sound of his sloshing.
ORLEAN
Water sounds so sparkly. Like lemon
plastic jewels plopping onto a silver
trampoline! Dontcha think?
LAROCHE
Darlin', please.
ORLEAN
Can we fuck now, baby? Fuck like lemons?
Owen tears along the dirt road. Up ahead, Kaufman limps out
of the swamp, into the truck's headlights. Owen is confused.
He checks the back to see if Donald's body is still there and
skids off the road into the swamp. Kaufman hurriedly limps
over to the disabled truck. Owen climbs out.
KAUFMAN
You gotta help me. You gotta help me.
MIKE OWEN
What the hell is going on here?
KAUFMAN
They're after me. They've got guns.
They killed my brother.
MIKE OWEN
Who's got guns? What are you --
Before Owen finishes, his truck is flipped over. Donald's
body flies into the water. There, staring Kaufman and Owen
down, is a giant man-like beast. It's repulsive, covered in
algae-matted fur.
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
Holy shit.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5)
The two men turn and run.
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
It's real! I can't believe it, I never --
The creature grabs Owen and snaps his neck like a toothpick.
Kaufman screams as he runs, watches over his shoulder. He
runs right into the arms of Orlean.
ORLEAN
Hey, it's the screenwriter!
KAUFMAN
There's a thing back there! You don't
want to be here.
Kaufman, Orlean, and Laroche look back. Nothing there.
LAROCHE
You're right, I don't want to be here.
I'm tired, let's get this over with.
Laroche puts the gun to Kaufman's head. Kaufman tenses.
Orlean studies Laroche's gun. Her nose is practically
touching the barrel.
ORLEAN
I love your gun, baby. Can we trade?
LAROCHE
Stand back, sweetness.
Laroche reaches for Orlean's arm to pull her away. Suddenly
the creature grabs Laroche, pulls him into the swamp.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Susie! Susie!
Orlean looks around.
ORLEAN
Where'd Johnny go?
LAROCHE (O.S.)
Susie!
Orlean, agitated and disoriented, fires repeatedly into the
darkness. Something slumps forward in the water. Orlean
steps cautiously over, keeping her gun on Kaufman. The
creature is dead, so is Laroche.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (6)
ORLEAN
(crying softly)
Oh, Johnny.
She sits next to Laroche and pets his head. Kaufman watches
her. The sun is coming up.
KAUFMAN
I'd just stare at your picture, and you
looked so sweet. I read your words and I
thought you were smart and maybe lost and
lonely like me. And the way you wrote
about Laroche. You said he was handsome
even though he had no front teeth --
ORLEAN
Oh, Johnny. Johnny's teeth. Oh...
KAUFMAN
I figured you could look at me and see
something, even with all my flaws you
could look at me and find something, you
could maybe someday write a description
of me that would be nicer than the one I
write day in and day out in my head.
(hopefully)
Would it be?
Kaufman takes Orlean's chin in his hand and directs her gaze
to him. She stares at him for a long while, then:
ORLEAN
You're really so wonderful.
KAUFMAN
Really?
ORLEAN
So wonderful. I can see inside your
soul. It glows with orange sadness.
It's raining inside you. I want to run
through your dripply dripples. It's so
beautiful. I love you. I do.
Kaufman lets go of her face and sits on a rock.
KAUFMAN
It's the drugs.
Orlean stands and walks toward Kaufman.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (7)
ORLEAN
No, it's me. It's the real me. Look at
you. I just want to hold you and -- Oh,
crap, it's wearing off. Crap!
She paces, unfolds her little square of paper.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
I'm out. I'm fucking cleaned out.
Kaufman watches her for a moment.
KAUFMAN
Okay, bye.
ORLEAN
I can't let you go, fatty. I can't let
you make this public.
Kaufman keeps walking.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
You hear me? You pathetic, fat, bald...
You don't even know how to write! You're
not even... You're not leaving here!
(screaming, crying)
I need a fix! Everything's so ugly!
Orlean screams in anguish. Kaufman keeps walking. Orlean
shakily aims the gun at his back. She shoots. Kaufman
falls, gets up, keeps walking. She aims again through her
tears. Suddenly she's pounced on by a bloody, soaking wet
figure. Kaufman turns.
KAUFMAN
Donald!
Kaufman limps back. Donald and Orlean roll on the ground.
DONALD
My brother is not fat. He's not bald.
My brother is a great writer! He was
trying to do something important!
The gun fires. Orlean slumps over Donald. Kaufman arrives.
Both Donald and Orlean are dead. Kaufman falls to his knees.
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING
The sun is high. Fires smoulder. A tow-truck extricates one
of the crashed vehicles. State police cars, ambulances,
ranger trucks abound. Kaufman is wrapped in a blanket.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
He is with a cop and pointing to the bodies spread on a black
plastic tarp.
KAUFMAN
That's Mike Owen. John Laroche. Susan
Orlean. I don't know what that is. I
think it might be a Swamp Ape. And
that's Donald, my twin brother. He saved
my life.
Kaufman cries a little. The cop waits sympathetically, then:
POLICE OFFICER
You two really look alike.
KAUFMAN
(proudly)
Yeah. Yes, we do.
Ratings
Scene 60 - A Moment of Connection
Kaufman sits in a booth, working longhand on a legal pad.
He's a little scraped-up, a little tougher. A copy of Story
by McKee is among his reference material. Alice, the
waitress, walks by and glances at the table.
ALICE
Oh, I love McKee!
(recognizes Kaufman, gets
reserved)
Oh, hi. Haven't seen you in a while.
KAUFMAN
Hi. Yeah, I've been away.
ALICE
So you studying screenwriting?
KAUFMAN
I'm actually finishing one up.
ALICE
Good for you! Me too. God, it's so hard
to get in, huh? Everyone and their
brother is writing a screenplay.
KAUFMAN
Yeah. Actually I'm writing this one for
Sony Pictures.
ALICE
Really? Wow. Really? That's so cool.
(beat)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ALICE (cont'd)
Wow! So what's it about, if you don't
mind my asking?
KAUFMAN
That's tough. Let's see... about being
yourself, maybe. It's about learning
that if you can't love yourself, you
can't really love anyone.
ALICE
That's true. God, that's so true. It's
such an important message, y'know?
KAUFMAN
See, my twin brother was murdered
recently --
ALICE
Oh God! I'm sorry. That's so horrible.
KAUFMAN
Thanks. Like part of me ripped away.
Forever. It was a wake up call.
ALICE
I'm so sorry. You poor man.
KAUFMAN
Anyway, it helped put things in
perspective. Life is a miracle. All
life, from the flower to the human being.
You. Me. And I want to show people
that. For my brother. For everyone.
There's a pause. Alice just stares at him, in awe.
ALICE
Listen, do you mind if I sit for a sec?
KAUFMAN
But you're working.
ALICE
(shrugs)
It's a stupid job, y'know. I'm Alice.
KAUFMAN
Charlie.
ALICE
I like that name. Charlie. I've always
really liked that name. Charlie.
Alice smiles, sits. The two of them begin to talk.
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, FIVE BILLION AND FORTY YEARS
LATER
An enormous chunk of rock, dimly lit by faraway stars, floats
by. Silence.
FADE TO BLACK.
WHITE TEXT ON BLACK SCREEN:
"Let me have men about me that are fat;
Sleek-headed men and such that sleep o'
nights."
- William Shakespeare
In Loving Memory of Donald Kaufman
THE END
Ratings
Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:
| Character | Arc | Critique | Suggestions |
|---|---|---|---|
| charlie kaufman |
|
While Charlie Kaufman's character arc is rich and layered, it could benefit from clearer external conflicts that mirror his internal struggles. The screenplay tends to focus heavily on his introspection, which, while compelling, may lead to pacing issues and a lack of dynamic interactions with other characters. Additionally, the emotional stakes could be heightened to create a more impactful transformation. | To improve Charlie's character arc, consider introducing more external challenges that force him to confront his insecurities in tangible ways. This could include more direct conflicts with other characters or situations that challenge his artistic integrity. Additionally, incorporating moments of triumph or failure that are directly tied to his internal growth could enhance the emotional resonance of his journey. Finally, ensuring that his relationships, particularly with Susan Orlean, evolve in a way that reflects his personal growth will create a more cohesive and satisfying arc. |
| john laroche |
|
While John Laroche's character arc is rich and layered, it risks becoming overly complex without sufficient clarity. The balance between his whimsical nature and deeper emotional struggles can sometimes feel disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to fully connect with him. Additionally, his motivations may come across as cryptic, which could alienate viewers who seek a more straightforward character journey. | To improve Laroche's character arc, consider streamlining his motivations and emotional struggles to create a clearer narrative thread. Emphasize key moments that showcase his transformation, allowing the audience to witness his growth more directly. Incorporating flashbacks or poignant dialogues that reveal his past could enhance emotional resonance. Additionally, ensuring that his whimsical nature is consistently tied to his deeper struggles will help maintain coherence in his character development, making him more relatable and engaging for the audience. |
| orlean | Susan Orlean begins as a reserved and introspective journalist, intrigued by the mysterious world of John Laroche and the Seminole men. As she delves deeper into her investigation, she confronts her own emotional turmoil and unfulfilled desires, leading her to explore her identity and passions. Throughout the feature, she evolves from a curious observer to an active participant in her own narrative, grappling with moral dilemmas and the complexities of human connection. By the end, Orlean emerges with a clearer understanding of herself and her desires, finding a balance between her professional ambitions and personal fulfillment. | While Susan Orlean's character arc is rich and layered, it risks becoming overly introspective and may lack dynamic external conflict. Her journey is compelling, but the screenplay could benefit from more active engagement with the world around her, rather than solely focusing on her internal struggles. Additionally, her interactions with other characters could be more varied to showcase different facets of her personality and to create more dramatic tension. | To improve Susan Orlean's character arc, consider introducing more external challenges that force her to confront her internal conflicts in a more active way. This could include more direct confrontations with Laroche or other characters that challenge her beliefs and desires. Additionally, incorporating moments of triumph or failure in her professional life could provide a clearer trajectory for her growth. Finally, allowing her to take more decisive actions that reflect her evolving understanding of herself and her passions could enhance her character development and make her journey more relatable and impactful. |
| kaufman | Charlie Kaufman's character arc begins with him as a self-conscious and insecure writer, overwhelmed by the pressures of the film industry and his own creative aspirations. As the story progresses, he faces various challenges that force him to confront his inner demons, including his feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Through a series of introspective moments and interactions with others, Kaufman gradually learns to embrace his vulnerabilities and accept himself as an artist. By the climax of the screenplay, he reaches a turning point where he recognizes the importance of authenticity over external validation. In the resolution, Kaufman emerges as a more self-assured individual, having found a deeper understanding of himself and a renewed passion for his craft, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. | While Charlie Kaufman's character arc is rich and layered, it risks becoming repetitive due to the heavy focus on his introspection and self-doubt. The screenplay may benefit from introducing more dynamic external conflicts that challenge Kaufman in ways that force him to act rather than reflect. Additionally, the character's growth could be more pronounced if there were clearer milestones or turning points that signify his development throughout the narrative. As it stands, the arc may feel stagnant at times, as the internal struggles can overshadow the progression of his character. | To improve Kaufman's character arc, consider incorporating more external conflicts that push him out of his comfort zone and require him to confront his fears in tangible ways. This could include interactions with more assertive characters or situations that challenge his worldview. Additionally, introducing moments of success or failure that directly impact his self-perception could provide clearer milestones for his growth. It may also be beneficial to explore relationships that serve as catalysts for change, allowing Kaufman to learn from others and gain new perspectives. Finally, ensuring that his journey culminates in a decisive moment of self-acceptance or a significant choice that reflects his growth will create a more satisfying and impactful arc. |
| laroche | Throughout the screenplay, John Laroche undergoes a significant transformation. Initially, he is depicted as an eccentric and ambitious orchid poacher, driven by his passions and a desire for recognition. As the story progresses, his character faces the consequences of his actions, leading to moments of introspection and vulnerability. He grapples with his motivations and the impact of his obsession on his relationships and well-being. By the climax, Laroche confronts the reality of his choices, leading to a pivotal moment of self-awareness where he must decide between continuing his reckless pursuits or seeking redemption and a more meaningful connection with nature and others. Ultimately, Laroche's journey culminates in a bittersweet resolution, where he learns to balance his passions with a sense of responsibility and empathy. | While John Laroche's character is rich and complex, his arc could benefit from clearer motivations and a more gradual evolution. The shifts in his personality, from passionate orchid hunter to introspective figure, may feel abrupt without sufficient buildup. Additionally, his relationships with other characters could be explored more deeply to enhance emotional stakes and provide a clearer contrast to his internal struggles. The balance between his eccentric charm and darker traits could also be refined to create a more cohesive character. | To improve Laroche's character arc, consider introducing earlier hints of his vulnerabilities and the consequences of his obsession, allowing for a more gradual transformation. Deepening his relationships with supporting characters can provide emotional grounding and highlight the impact of his choices. Incorporating moments of reflection or dialogue that reveal his internal conflicts can enhance audience empathy. Additionally, exploring the theme of redemption more explicitly could provide a satisfying resolution to his journey, allowing him to emerge as a more rounded character who learns from his experiences. |
| donald | Throughout the screenplay, Donald evolves from a carefree and impulsive dreamer into a more grounded individual who learns the importance of balance between ambition and introspection. Initially, he is dismissive of criticism and overly focused on external elements of storytelling. As the story progresses, he faces challenges that force him to confront his own limitations and the consequences of his impulsiveness. By the climax, Donald learns to appreciate the depth of storytelling and the value of collaboration, ultimately finding a way to support Charlie while also carving out his own identity as a writer. His journey culminates in a moment of self-realization where he understands that creativity thrives not just on enthusiasm but also on reflection and understanding. | While Donald's character provides a vibrant contrast to Charlie, his arc could benefit from more depth and complexity. Currently, he appears somewhat one-dimensional, primarily serving as comic relief and a foil to Charlie. His impulsiveness and enthusiasm are entertaining, but they risk becoming repetitive without significant growth or change. Additionally, the stakes of his journey could be heightened to create a more compelling narrative. | To improve Donald's character arc, consider introducing a subplot that challenges his impulsive nature, such as a failed project that forces him to confront the consequences of his actions. This could lead to moments of vulnerability where he seeks guidance from Charlie, allowing for deeper character development. Additionally, incorporating a mentor figure or a rival could provide external conflict that pushes Donald to evolve. By the end of the screenplay, he should not only support Charlie but also demonstrate a newfound understanding of the balance between enthusiasm and introspection, making his journey more relatable and impactful. |
| susan orlean | Susan Orlean's character arc begins with her as a reserved and introspective writer, deeply focused on her work yet haunted by loneliness and emotional turmoil. As she embarks on her journey to uncover the truth behind the ghost orchid, she confronts her fears and insecurities, leading to moments of desperation and determination. Through her interactions with Laroche, she experiences a transformative journey that challenges her perceptions of desire and intimacy. By the end of the screenplay, Orlean emerges as a more self-aware individual, having accepted the complexities of her emotions and the inevitability of change. Her journey culminates in a newfound understanding of herself and her creative passions, allowing her to embrace both her vulnerabilities and strengths. | While Susan Orlean's character arc is rich and layered, it risks becoming overly introspective and may lack dynamic external conflict. The emotional depth is compelling, but the screenplay could benefit from more active engagement with the external world, which would provide a clearer contrast to her internal struggles. Additionally, her relationships, particularly with Laroche and Kaufman, could be further developed to enhance the stakes and emotional resonance of her journey. | To improve Susan Orlean's character arc, consider incorporating more external challenges that force her to confront her internal conflicts in a more active way. This could involve introducing a rival character or a significant obstacle in her pursuit of the ghost orchid that requires her to take decisive action. Additionally, deepening her relationships with Laroche and Kaufman by exploring the consequences of her choices on these dynamics could add layers to her emotional journey. Finally, integrating moments of triumph or failure in her professional life could provide a more balanced portrayal of her character growth, showcasing her resilience and adaptability. |
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:
| Pattern | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Dominance of Melancholic and Reflective Tones with Emotional Depth | Throughout the script, scenes with melancholic and reflective tones (e.g., scenes 1, 4, 9, etc.) consistently score high in emotional impact (average 8.5) and character changes (average 7.5), but often have lower scores in high stakes (average 5.5) and moving the story forward (average 6.5). This suggests that while these tones effectively build emotional depth and character development, they may inadvertently slow the plot's momentum, potentially making the story feel introspective but less dynamic. The author might consider introducing more varied tones earlier to balance emotional focus with plot progression. |
| Increasing Tension and Conflict in Later Scenes | As the scene numbers increase, particularly from scene 40 onwards, tones shift towards 'tense', 'anxious', and 'emotional' (e.g., scenes 42, 53, 55), correlating with higher scores in conflict (average 8.5 in scenes 40-60 vs. 7.0 in scenes 1-20), high stakes (average 7.5 vs. 5.5), and moving the story forward (average 8.0 vs. 6.5). This indicates a build-up of intensity that peaks in scenes like 55 and 59, which could be a strength for climactic effect, but the author should ensure that earlier scenes have subtle foreshadowing to avoid a sudden shift that might feel abrupt to readers. |
| High Dialogue Quality Linked to Character Development but Not Plot Advancement | Scenes with strong dialogue scores (e.g., 9 in scenes 3, 8, 11) often coincide with high character change scores (average 8.0 when dialogue is 9), as seen in reflective and humorous tones. However, these scenes rarely score high in moving the story forward (average 6.5), suggesting that while dialogue effectively reveals character growth and emotional nuances, it may not be sufficiently tied to advancing the plot. The author could enhance dialogue by incorporating more conflict-driven exchanges to make character revelations also propel the narrative. |
| Overreliance on Introspective Tones Reducing Perceived Stakes | A pattern emerges where introspective, melancholic, or reflective tones (dominant in 70% of scenes) correlate inversely with high stakes and conflict scores; for instance, scenes 16, 17, and 20-22 average high stakes of 4.5 despite high emotional impact (average 8.5). This could indicate that the author's strength in creating emotionally resonant moments might be masking a weakness in establishing urgent consequences, potentially leading to a script that feels internally focused but lacks external tension. Introducing elements that raise stakes within these tones could make the story more engaging. |
| Humor as a Tool for Balancing Heavy Tones and Enhancing Engagement | Scenes incorporating humorous tones (e.g., scenes 1, 4, 9, 32, 52) tend to have higher overall grades (average 9.0) and better dialogue scores (average 8.5), which positively correlate with emotional impact (average 8.0) without significantly dropping conflict or character change scores. This suggests that humor acts as an effective counterbalance to the prevalent melancholic and tense tones, making the script more relatable and preventing emotional heaviness from overwhelming the reader. The author might explore expanding humorous elements in key scenes to maintain pacing and reveal character traits in a lighter way, potentially uncovering untapped comedic potential in their writing. |
| Emotional Peaks Coinciding with Character Introspection but Lagging in Story Progression | High emotional impact scores (e.g., 9 or 10 in scenes 37, 43, 59) are frequently associated with introspective or anxious tones, and they correlate strongly with character changes (correlation coefficient approximately 0.7), but these scenes often score lower in moving the story forward (average 6.5). This pattern highlights the author's skill in crafting deeply personal moments that foster character growth, yet it may indicate a reliance on internal monologues that don't always advance the plot, possibly leading to pacing issues. The author could integrate more action-oriented elements during these emotional highs to ensure that introspection serves the overall narrative arc. |
| Consistent High Concept Scores Despite Tonal Repetition | The concept score remains strong and stable (average 8.3 across all scenes), even in scenes with repetitive tones like melancholic and reflective (e.g., scenes 19-23), suggesting that the underlying idea is solid. However, this consistency might mask a lack of tonal variety, as evidenced by lower scores in high stakes and conflict in these repeated tone clusters. The author may not realize that while the concept is engaging, the tonal monotony could be diluting its impact; experimenting with contrasting tones could refresh the narrative and highlight the concept's strengths more effectively. |
Writer's Craft Overall Analysis
The screenplay demonstrates a strong grasp of character dynamics, emotional depth, and thematic exploration. The writer effectively blends humor with introspection, creating engaging narratives that resonate with audiences. However, there are areas for improvement, particularly in dialogue refinement, pacing, and the development of character arcs. The writer shows potential in crafting nuanced interactions but could benefit from further study and practice in specific areas.
Key Improvement Areas
Suggestions
| Type | Suggestion | Rationale |
|---|---|---|
| Book | Read 'Adventures in the Screen Trade' by William Goldman | This book offers valuable insights into the craft of screenwriting, character development, and storytelling techniques that can enhance the writer's skills. |
| Book | Read 'Save the Cat!' by Blake Snyder | This book provides practical advice on structuring engaging narratives and developing compelling characters, which can benefit the writer's storytelling skills. |
| Exercise | Practice writing dialogue-driven scenes with conflicting viewpoints.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise will help refine the writer's ability to create engaging interactions that reveal character motivations and deepen thematic exploration. |
| Exercise | Write character monologues to delve deeper into their inner thoughts and motivations.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise can enhance character depth and emotional resonance, allowing for a more nuanced exploration of their internal conflicts. |
| Exercise | Analyze successful screenplays to understand narrative structure and character development.Practice In SceneProv | Studying well-crafted screenplays will provide insights into effective pacing, character arcs, and dialogue, helping the writer refine their own craft. |
Stories Similar to this one
| Story | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Adaptation (2002) | This film, also written by Charlie Kaufman, explores themes of self-doubt, identity, and the struggles of adapting a book into a screenplay. It features a similar blend of reality and fiction, with Kaufman himself as a character, mirroring the internal conflicts and existential musings present in the provided script. |
| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) | Another Kaufman work, this film delves into themes of memory, love, and self-acceptance. The narrative structure is non-linear, and it explores the complexities of human relationships, much like the introspective journey of Kaufman in the script. |
| Synecdoche, New York (2008) | Directed by Charlie Kaufman, this film presents a surreal exploration of life, art, and mortality. It shares a similar tone of existential reflection and features a protagonist who grapples with self-identity and the meaning of existence, akin to Kaufman's struggles in the script. |
| Being John Malkovich (1999) | This film, also written by Kaufman, features themes of identity, obsession, and the nature of reality. The surreal premise and the exploration of characters' inner lives resonate with the introspective and existential elements found in the provided script. |
| The Orchid Thief (2002) | The original book by Susan Orlean serves as the basis for the script. It shares thematic elements of obsession, nature, and the complexities of human relationships with the natural world, paralleling the narrative's exploration of Laroche's character and his passion for orchids. |
| The Science of Sleep (2006) | This film explores the blurred lines between dreams and reality, featuring a protagonist who struggles with his inner thoughts and desires. The whimsical yet melancholic tone and the focus on personal introspection align closely with the themes in the provided script. |
| Her (2013) | This film examines themes of loneliness, connection, and the complexities of love in a modern world. The protagonist's introspective journey and emotional struggles resonate with Kaufman's self-loathing and desire for connection depicted in the script. |
| Wild Strawberries (1957) | Directed by Ingmar Bergman, this film features an elderly man's journey of self-reflection and introspection as he confronts his past. The themes of regret, isolation, and the search for meaning parallel the emotional depth found in Kaufman's narrative. |
| The Master (2012) | This film explores themes of identity, control, and the search for purpose through the relationship between a troubled man and a charismatic leader. The psychological depth and character-driven narrative reflect the internal struggles present in Kaufman's script. |
Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay
| Trope | Trope Details | Trope Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Body Dysmorphic Disorder | Charlie Kaufman struggles with self-loathing and negative body image, which is a central theme in his character development. | This trope involves a character who has an obsessive focus on perceived flaws in their appearance, leading to significant emotional distress. An example is the film 'Fight Club,' where the protagonist grapples with his identity and self-image. |
| The Unreliable Narrator | Kaufman's voice-over often contradicts his actions and perceptions, leading the audience to question his reliability. | An unreliable narrator is a character whose credibility is compromised, often leading to twists in the story. A classic example is 'The Usual Suspects,' where the narrator's version of events is revealed to be misleading. |
| Time Jumps | The narrative shifts between different time periods, illustrating character development and thematic evolution. | Time jumps are used to show the passage of time and its effects on characters. An example is 'Pulp Fiction,' which tells its story out of chronological order to create suspense and depth. |
| The Mentor | Characters like Robert McKee serve as mentors, providing guidance on storytelling and screenwriting. | The mentor trope involves a wise character who provides guidance to the protagonist. A well-known example is Mr. Miyagi in 'The Karate Kid,' who teaches the protagonist valuable life lessons. |
| The Love Interest | Alice, the waitress, serves as a potential love interest for Kaufman, highlighting his insecurities. | The love interest trope involves a character who serves as a romantic focus for the protagonist. An example is Elizabeth Bennet in 'Pride and Prejudice,' who challenges and complements Mr. Darcy. |
| The Quest | Kaufman's journey to adapt 'The Orchid Thief' serves as a quest for self-acceptance and artistic integrity. | The quest trope involves a character embarking on a journey to achieve a goal, often leading to personal growth. An example is 'The Lord of the Rings,' where Frodo's journey to destroy the ring symbolizes the struggle against evil. |
| The Odd Couple | Kaufman and his brother Donald represent contrasting personalities, leading to comedic and dramatic tension. | The odd couple trope features two characters with opposing traits who must coexist, often leading to humor and conflict. An example is 'The Odd Couple,' where Felix and Oscar's differences create comedic situations. |
| The Antihero | Kaufman embodies the antihero archetype, struggling with self-doubt and moral ambiguity. | The antihero is a central character who lacks traditional heroic qualities, often facing moral dilemmas. An example is Walter White in 'Breaking Bad,' who transforms from a sympathetic character to a morally ambiguous figure. |
| The Metafiction | The script itself reflects on the nature of storytelling and the creative process, blurring the lines between fiction and reality. | Metafiction involves self-referential elements that draw attention to the storytelling process. An example is 'Adaptation,' where the writer becomes a character in their own story. |
| Theme | Theme Details | Themee Explanation | ||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Self-Acceptance and Identity | Charlie Kaufman's pervasive self-loathing, his obsession with his physical appearance, his body dysmorphia, and his constant internal criticism are central to his character arc. This is mirrored in his struggles with writing and his inability to form genuine connections. Donald's contrasting optimism and superficial adoption of screenwriting also highlight the theme of identity, albeit in a more superficial manner. | The script deeply explores the internal battle of an individual grappling with deep-seated insecurities and a negative self-image. Kaufman's journey is a direct confrontation with his own perceived flaws and the immense difficulty in overcoming them to find peace and self-worth. This is the engine driving his creative process and his interpersonal relationships. | ||||||||||||
Strengthening Self-Acceptance and Identity:
| ||||||||||||||
| The Nature of Passion and Obsession | John Laroche's obsessive pursuit of orchids, his rapid shifts between various obsessions (turtles, fossils, lapidary, mirrors, orchids, pornography), and Susan Orlean's initial fascination with Laroche and then her drug-induced passion for orchids. Charlie Kaufman's obsessive writing process and his fixation on Orlean also fall under this umbrella. | The script examines how intense desires, whether for rare plants, scientific understanding, or personal validation, can consume individuals. It questions the source of passion, its sustainability, and whether it leads to genuine fulfillment or merely distraction from deeper emotional voids. | ||||||||||||
| The Search for Authentic Connection and Love | Kaufman's awkward attempts to connect with women (Alice, the cashier, Orlean), his longing for genuine affection, and his eventual realization that self-love is a prerequisite for loving others. Orlean's strained relationship with her husband and her search for emotional intensity. The contrasting dynamic of Kaufman and Donald. | The characters are driven by a deep-seated need for genuine human connection, often finding themselves isolated and misunderstood. The script explores the complexities and failures of forming meaningful bonds, highlighting the fear of vulnerability and the difficulty in truly knowing and being known by another. | ||||||||||||
| The Absurdity and Chaos of Existence | The surreal opening and closing sequences, the bizarre events that unfold (e.g., the Swamp Ape rumors, the violent chase, the drug-induced revelations), the seemingly random coincidences, and the characters' often illogical motivations. | The screenplay embraces a meta-narrative that highlights the inherent randomness, unpredictability, and often nonsensical nature of life. It suggests that meaning is not inherent but something that must be constructed, and that chaos is an inevitable part of the human experience. | ||||||||||||
| The Creative Process and the Nature of Storytelling | Kaufman's agonizing writing process, his battles with his agent and screenwriting gurus like McKee, Donald's contrasting approach to writing, and the meta-commentary on adapting 'The Orchid Thief' itself. The script is, in essence, a story about writing a story. | The script delves into the often torturous journey of artistic creation, exploring the doubts, frustrations, and breakthroughs involved in translating an idea into a narrative. It questions the established rules of storytelling and the pressure to conform to commercial expectations versus artistic integrity. | ||||||||||||
| The Illusion vs. Reality of Nature and Beauty | The contrasting portrayals of the Fakahatchee Strand (initially terrifying, then mundane, then a source of chemical revelation), the allure and deceptive nature of orchids (beautiful but potentially dangerous, or a source of artificial passion), and the characters' subjective experiences of beauty and truth. | The script questions our perception of the natural world and beauty, suggesting that what we perceive as beautiful or profound can be subjective, superficial, or even manufactured. It explores the disconnect between the idealized image of nature and its often harsh or complex reality. | ||||||||||||
| Evolution and the Drive Towards Perfection (or Entropy) | Charles Darwin's quotes on natural selection, the early evolutionary imagery, and the idea of progression or regression in human development. Laroche's attempt to 'improve' nature through cloning and Orlean's eventual embrace of artificial passion. | The script touches upon philosophical ideas of evolution and progression, contrasting the grand narratives of nature with the often messy and imperfect realities of human lives. It questions whether humans are truly progressing or devolving, especially in their pursuit of artificial solutions to emotional deficiencies. | ||||||||||||
Screenwriting Resources on Themes
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Studio Binder | Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters |
| Coverfly | Improving your Screenplay's theme |
| John August | Writing from Theme |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics | Screenwriting basics - beginner video |
| What is theme | Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay. |
| Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script | Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts |
| Voice Analysis | |
|---|---|
| Summary: | The writer's voice is characterized by a unique blend of introspective and self-deprecating humor, sharp and naturalistic dialogue that reveals underlying emotional complexities, vivid and often contrasting descriptive language, and a profound exploration of existential themes such as identity, self-perception, artistic integrity, and the human condition. There's a consistent undercurrent of melancholy, a keen observation of human anxieties, and a tendency to juxtapose the mundane with the profound. |
| Voice Contribution | The writer's voice contributes to the script by establishing a tone of intellectual playfulness, emotional depth, and existential questioning. It enhances the mood by creating a sense of mystery, moral ambiguity, and at times, a bittersweet poignancy. The voice adds significant depth to the characters by revealing their internal struggles, insecurities, and aspirations through naturalistic dialogue and introspective narration, making them feel authentic and vulnerable. It also elevates the thematic exploration of art, nature, authenticity, and the complexities of human relationships, imbuing the narrative with intellectual rigor and emotional resonance. |
| Best Representation Scene | 13 - Orchids and Isolation |
| Best Scene Explanation | Scene 13 best encapsulates the author's unique voice through its masterful blend of introspective character thoughts, detailed sensory descriptions, and a poignant narrative tone that juxtaposes beauty and melancholy. The awkward interaction with the waitress Alice, the subsequent fantasy sequence, and the concluding image of a lonely family backyard all exemplify the writer's ability to weave together everyday moments with profound emotional undercurrents, highlighting the protagonist's internal struggles and the fleeting nature of human connections. The scene demonstrates the writer's signature blend of naturalism, introspection, and evocative imagery. |
- Overall originality score: 8.5
- Overall originality explanation: The script demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique blend of introspective character studies, philosophical musings, and unconventional narrative structures. The juxtaposition of personal struggles with broader themes of nature, creativity, and existentialism creates a rich tapestry of original storytelling. The incorporation of real-life figures and events, along with surreal elements and dark humor, further enhances its originality. The exploration of body dysmorphia, the creative process, and the complexities of human relationships through the lens of orchids and environmental themes adds depth and freshness to the narrative.
- Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the script are the surreal dream sequences where Kaufman interacts with the animated photo of Orlean, the chaotic and darkly humorous discussions about murder and morality between Laroche and Orlean, and the meta-commentary on screenwriting principles that Kaufman grapples with throughout the narrative. Additionally, the blending of real-life events with fictional elements, such as the exploration of the Fakahatchee swamp and the philosophical discussions on passion and creativity, contribute to the script's originality.
- Overall unpredictability score: 9
- Overall unpredictability explanation: The script is highly unpredictable, as it frequently subverts audience expectations through its unconventional narrative choices and character arcs. The shifts between dark humor, introspection, and moments of tension create an unpredictable viewing experience. The characters' decisions, particularly Kaufman's emotional turmoil and the violent turns in Laroche and Orlean's storyline, keep the audience guessing about the outcomes. The blending of reality and surrealism, along with the unexpected developments in character relationships, further enhances the unpredictability of the script.
| Goals and Philosophical Conflict | |
|---|---|
| internal Goals | The protagonist, Charlie Kaufman, evolves from grappling with deep self-loathing and insecurities about his appearance and writing abilities to seeking validation through his creative endeavors and ultimately striving for self-acceptance. His journey reflects an oscillation between deep longing for connection and overwhelming self-doubt. |
| External Goals | Kaufman's external narrative progresses from wanting to adapt Orlean's book into a meaningful screenplay, to navigating the challenges of Hollywood, and culminates in the attempt to confront Orlean and understand both his and her motivations, eventually reaching a point of personal expression through his creative work. |
| Philosophical Conflict | The overarching philosophical conflict in the script can be seen as Authenticity vs. Commercialism—Kaufman struggles between his desire to create an honest portrayal of his experiences and the pressures of Hollywood to produce a marketable, entertaining narrative. |
Character Development Contribution: The evolution of Kaufman's internal and external goals illustrates his journey from a place of deep insecurity to one of acceptance and connection, leading to significant growth in character as he embraces his identity and relationships, ultimately enhancing his narrative voice.
Narrative Structure Contribution: The interplay between Kaufman's internal struggles and his external pressures shapes a complex narrative structure that juxtaposes personal reflection with external stimuli, creating a layered storytelling that emphasizes themes of creativity and self-discovery.
Thematic Depth Contribution: The script's thematic depth is underscored through the rich contrasts in Kaufman's goals and philosophical conflicts, exploring the intricacies of human relationships, the struggles for personal integrity in a commercial landscape, and the pursuit of meaning in the midst of confusion and loss, revealing profound insights into life and art.
Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Creative Screenwriting | How Important Is A Character’s Goal? |
| Studio Binder | What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict | How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode. |
| Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great | By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes |
| Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals | By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy? |
- Physical environment: The script depicts a multifaceted physical world that spans vast temporal and geographical scales, from a primordial, barren Earth with erupting volcanoes, meteor showers, and lightning strikes, symbolizing raw, inhospitable origins, to contrasting modern settings like urban landscapes in New York City and Los Angeles, with dimly lit streets, apartments, and commercial spaces such as bookstores and restaurants (e.g., California Pizza Kitchen). Natural environments, particularly the Florida swamps like the Fakahatchee Strand, are portrayed as dense, humid, and dangerous, filled with wildlife, murky waters, and rare orchids, emphasizing isolation and peril. Domestic and intimate spaces, such as empty bedrooms, suburban backyards, and offices adorned with personal touches, add a layer of everyday mundanity. Overall, the physical environment juxtaposes chaotic natural beauty with sterile urban routine, creating a sense of transience and disconnection.
- Culture: Culture in the script is deeply intertwined with themes of obsession and intellectual pursuit, featuring a strong emphasis on botany and orchid appreciation, as seen in characters' fascinations with rare flowers, historical orchid hunting, and philosophical discussions about nature's complexity. References to diverse cultural elements include Native American beliefs (e.g., the world resting on a turtle's back), philosophical ideas from figures like Hegel and Darwin, and the Hollywood film industry, with its focus on screenwriting, creativity, and commercial pressures. Personal and familial cultures, such as childhood obsessions and strained relationships, highlight individual passions and emotional isolation. Additionally, elements of drug culture and illegal activities, like poaching and the extraction of psychoactive substances from orchids, add a layer of intrigue and moral ambiguity, reflecting a society where cultural fixations often border on the destructive.
- Society: Society is depicted as fragmented and hierarchical, with tensions arising from professional, cultural, and legal dynamics. The film industry represents a competitive, cutthroat environment, involving agents, executives, and writers navigating career pressures and creative compromises. Interactions with law enforcement and conservation officers underscore conflicts over societal rules, such as Native American tribal rights versus environmental laws, as seen in court cases and poaching incidents. Familial and community structures, like orchid enthusiast groups or everyday social settings, reveal themes of loneliness and disconnection, with characters often feeling alienated in both personal and professional spheres. Overall, society is portrayed as a web of relationships that amplify individual struggles, emphasizing the challenges of finding authenticity and connection in a world driven by ambition and superficiality.
- Technology: Technology in the script is minimal and understated, serving to ground the story in a realistic, contemporary setting without overshadowing human elements. Common devices include basic tools like typewriters, laptops, CB radios, cell phones, and vehicles (e.g., vans and cars), which facilitate communication and movement but are often portrayed as unreliable or secondary. There are no advanced or futuristic technologies; instead, the focus on simple, everyday items like mini-recorders and overhead projectors in screenwriting seminars highlights a nostalgic or functional role, reinforcing themes of human vulnerability and the timeless nature of emotional and creative struggles.
- Characters influence: The world's elements profoundly shape characters' experiences and actions by amplifying their internal conflicts and obsessions. The harsh physical environments, such as the dangerous swamps, drive characters like John Laroche and Susan Orlean into risky, obsessive behaviors, symbolizing the pursuit of passion amidst peril, while urban settings heighten Charlie Kaufman's anxiety and self-doubt, reflecting his struggle with body dysmorphia and creative blocks. Cultural obsessions with orchids and writing influence actions, leading to intense personal and professional pursuits, as seen in Laroche's shifting fixations and Kaufman's meta-narrative spiral. Societal structures impose external pressures, such as Hollywood's demands for commercial success, which force Kaufman to confront his artistic integrity, and legal conflicts that expose cultural tensions for Laroche. The minimal technology underscores a reliance on human ingenuity and emotion, making characters' interactions more raw and introspective, ultimately driving them toward moments of crisis, adaptation, and self-discovery.
- Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute significantly to the narrative by creating a layered structure that mirrors the script's meta-fictional style, with time jumps, flashbacks, and contrasting settings (e.g., primordial Earth to modern Hollywood) enhancing the theme of adaptation and evolution. The physical environments drive key plot points, such as the swamp scenes advancing the orchid theft storyline and symbolizing narrative dead ends, while urban and domestic settings facilitate character development and interpersonal conflicts. Cultural and societal elements introduce conflicts, like legal battles and creative industry struggles, that propel the story forward and provide opportunities for humor, tension, and revelation. The minimal technology keeps the focus on character-driven events, allowing the narrative to explore themes of obsession and failure through realistic, grounded interactions, ultimately supporting the script's circular, self-referential plot that blends reality and fiction.
- Thematic depth contribution: The world elements deepen the script's thematic exploration of obsession, isolation, and the human condition by using physical environments to symbolize the fragility and elusiveness of desire (e.g., the rare ghost orchid representing unattainable passion). Cultural aspects, such as intellectual pursuits and cultural clashes, underscore themes of authenticity versus artifice, highlighting how societal pressures and personal obsessions can lead to existential crises. The societal structure exposes the loneliness inherent in modern life, reinforcing motifs of disconnection and the search for meaning, while the sparse technology emphasizes that true depth comes from internal reflection rather than external advancements. Together, these elements enhance the thematic richness, illustrating the cyclical nature of human experience, the futility of controlling one's passions, and the importance of self-acceptance, making the narrative a profound commentary on creativity, identity, and the blurred lines between reality and storytelling.
central conflict
The central conflict revolves around Charlie Kaufman's struggle with self-acceptance and his creative process while adapting Susan Orlean's book, which intertwines with the chaotic lives of John Laroche and the Seminole Indians.
primary motivations
- Kaufman's desire to create a meaningful screenplay that reflects authenticity and avoids Hollywood clichés.
- Orlean's quest for passion and understanding in her life and work.
- Laroche's obsession with orchids and his desire to profit from them.
catalysts
- Kaufman's decision to adapt 'The Orchid Thief' after being inspired by Orlean's writing.
- Orlean's initial fascination with Laroche and her subsequent journey into the swamp.
- The escalating tensions between Laroche and the law regarding the illegal harvesting of orchids.
barriers
- Kaufman's self-doubt and body dysmorphic disorder, which hinder his confidence and creativity.
- Orlean's emotional detachment from her husband and her struggle to find genuine passion.
- Laroche's legal troubles and his erratic behavior that complicate his relationships.
themes
- The search for identity and self-acceptance.
- The nature of obsession and its consequences.
- The intersection of reality and fiction in storytelling.
stakes
The stakes include Kaufman's mental health and career, Orlean's emotional fulfillment and professional integrity, and Laroche's freedom and livelihood, culminating in life-or-death situations.
uniqueness factor
The story uniquely blends elements of documentary-style storytelling with a fictional narrative, exploring the complexities of human desire and creativity through a metafictional lens.
audience hook
The exploration of relatable themes such as self-doubt, the pursuit of passion, and the absurdity of life keeps viewers engaged, alongside the quirky characters and their intertwining stories.
paradoxical engine or bisociation
The paradoxical engine lies in the juxtaposition of Kaufman's introspective, neurotic nature against the chaotic, external world of Laroche and the Seminole Indians, creating a tension between internal and external conflicts.
paradoxical engine or bisociation 2
Another aspect of bisociation is the blending of Kaufman's personal struggles with the larger narrative of orchid poaching, illustrating how individual obsessions can reflect broader societal issues.
Pass / Consider / Recommend Analysis
Grok
Executive Summary
- The script's innovative meta-narrative structure masterfully interweaves Kaufman's real-time writing process with the adapted story, creating a layered, self-reflexive tale that evolves from introspective drama to absurd thriller, culminating in a satisfying circular resolution. high ( Scene 1 Scene 60 )
- Charlie Kaufman's arc from self-loathing, blocked writer to empowered artist is richly developed through internal monologues and escalating conflicts, providing profound emotional depth and relatability. high ( Scene 3 Scene 38 )
- Witty, naturalistic dialogue captures the awkwardness of human interaction and intellectual banter, particularly in scenes contrasting Kaufman's insecurity with Donald's enthusiasm, enhancing character authenticity and humor. high ( Scene 9 Scene 41 )
- Thematic exploration of passion, adaptation, and the blurred line between reality and fiction is consistent and profound, using orchids as a metaphor for elusive creativity that ties the narrative together cohesively. high ( Scene 20 Scene 56 )
- The third act's genre shift to thriller injects high-stakes action and absurdity, resolving arcs through chaotic escalation while maintaining thematic integrity, making the climax both surprising and thematically resonant. medium ( Scene 54 Scene 59 )
- Mid-script repetition of Kaufman's false starts and voice-over laments can feel slightly redundant, potentially tightening to maintain momentum without losing introspective depth. medium ( Scene 23 Scene 24 )
- Orlean's transition from detached journalist to drug-fueled passion seeker feels abrupt; adding subtle foreshadowing could smooth her arc for better emotional continuity. medium ( Scene 32 Scene 36 )
- McKee seminar scenes, while pivotal, occasionally veer into exposition-heavy lectures that slow pacing; condensing some dialogue could heighten their impact. low ( Scene 46 Scene 47 )
- The fantastical Swamp Ape introduction in the climax risks tonal whiplash; clarifying its metaphorical role earlier could integrate it more seamlessly. low ( Scene 59 )
- Secondary characters like Valerie and Margaret receive limited development, serving mostly as foils; brief expansions could enrich the ensemble without bloating the runtime. low
- Deeper exploration of Orlean's marital dissatisfaction is hinted at but not fully resolved, leaving her pre-swamp arc somewhat underdeveloped compared to Kaufman's. medium
- Post-climax epilogue with Alice feels tacked-on; a more integrated reflection on Kaufman's growth could tie back to earlier themes more strongly. low ( Scene 60 )
- The Seminole Indians' subplot introduces cultural elements but fades without payoff, missing an opportunity to deepen themes of exploitation and identity. low
- Visual descriptions of the swamp could be more vivid in additional sequences to heighten immersion, as some scenes rely heavily on dialogue over sensory details. low
- No explicit tie-back to Darwinian evolution theme in the resolution, which could reinforce the adaptation motif more explicitly. low
- The script's bookending with cosmic timelines (four billion years ago to five billion years later) elegantly frames human struggles as fleeting yet profound. high ( Scene 1 Scene 60 )
- Kaufman-Donald twin dynamic serves as a clever foil, evolving from antagonism to poignant brotherhood, highlighting themes of self-acceptance. high ( Scene 9 Scene 51 )
- Voice-over narration, though critiqued in-universe, is used innovatively to delve into Kaufman's psyche, blending irony with intimacy. medium ( Scene 20 )
- The drug-induced 'Passion' reveal twists the orchid motif into a literal metaphor for artificial vs. authentic passion, adding layers to the satire. medium ( Scene 54 Scene 59 )
- Shakespeare quote and dedication to 'Donald Kaufman' (a fictional creation) underscore the script's playful blurring of autobiography and invention. medium ( Scene 60 )
- Over-reliance on internal monologue The writer heavily favors Kaufman's voice-over for exposition and emotion, which, while effective for meta-commentary, occasionally underutilizes visual storytelling (e.g., sequences 3 and 38 where physical actions could convey self-doubt more dynamically). medium
- Cultural sensitivity in indigenous portrayal Seminole characters are somewhat stereotypical sidekicks to Laroche, lacking depth or agency (e.g., sequence 1 and 10), potentially overlooking nuanced representation of Native American perspectives in the poaching narrative. medium
- None evident This script exhibits professional polish with tight formatting, economical descriptions, and sophisticated structure; no glaring errors like inconsistent tense or overlong scenes. low
Gemini
Executive Summary
- The screenplay's greatest strength is its incredibly inventive and meta-narrative structure, which seamlessly blends the external story of 'The Orchid Thief' with Charlie Kaufman's internal struggle to adapt it. This self-reflexivity is not a gimmick but the core of the film's thematic exploration. high ( Scene 1 Scene 9 Scene 35 Scene 55 Scene 58 Scene 59 )
- The dialogue is exceptionally sharp, witty, and thematically resonant. It brilliantly captures the neuroses of its characters, the absurdity of the film industry, and the philosophical underpinnings of the story. high ( Scene 3 Scene 9 Scene 10 Scene 33 Scene 49 )
- The character development, particularly Kaufman's arc and Donald's complex role as his foil, is profound. Kaufman's journey from crippling self-doubt to a more engaged and self-aware state is the emotional core of the film. high ( Scene 1 Scene 9 Scene 55 Scene 59 )
- The exploration of themes such as passion, obsession, creativity, self-loathing, and the nature of adaptation is sophisticated and multi-layered, providing ample food for thought without feeling didactic. high ( Scene 1 Scene 3 Scene 9 Scene 20 Scene 57 )
- The third act is a masterclass in genre-bending and narrative escalation, brilliantly merging the meta-commentary with a surprisingly effective and thrilling swamp adventure, culminating in a tragic yet thematically satisfying resolution. high ( Scene 58 Scene 59 )
- While the meta-commentary is a strength, some of the early scenes of Kaufman struggling with the adaptation process can feel slightly repetitive in their depiction of his creative paralysis, potentially impacting pacing in the initial acts. medium ( Scene 10 Scene 30 )
- The climax, while incredibly effective, is very intense and chaotic. Some viewers might find the abrupt shift in tone and the sheer volume of action and violence overwhelming without the preceding build-up of the meta-narrative. medium ( Scene 58 Scene 59 )
- Donald's character, while crucial to Kaufman's arc, occasionally verges on being a caricature. While this serves a purpose, a slightly more nuanced portrayal might further deepen the thematic resonance of their brotherhood. low ( Scene 9 Scene 52 )
- The legal proceedings surrounding Laroche's arrest, while providing plot points, could potentially be slightly streamlined to maintain focus on the character-driven narrative and thematic explorations. low ( Scene 8 Scene 10 )
- The script masterfully integrates its meta-narrative, but there are no significant plot threads left dangling. The resolution of Kaufman's internal conflict and the fates of the external characters are handled with thematic completeness, even if not conventionally resolved. low
- There are no significant missing character arcs. Kaufman's transformation is the primary arc, and Donald's arc, while tragically cut short, serves its purpose within the narrative. Orlean and Laroche's arcs are also complete within the film's thematic framework. low
- The opening sequence, juxtaposing primordial chaos with Kaufman's mundane, self-loathing voice-over, immediately establishes the script's unique tone and ambitious thematic scope. high ( Scene 1 Scene 3 Scene 9 )
- The inclusion of Robert McKee's screenwriting seminar serves as a crucial turning point, not only providing thematic counterpoint but also directly influencing Kaufman's creative process and understanding of storytelling. high ( Scene 47 Scene 48 Scene 49 )
- The climax masterfully weaves together the meta-narrative with the thriller elements, creating a shocking and thematically resonant conclusion that blurs the lines between reality, fiction, and the screenwriter's own anxieties. high ( Scene 58 Scene 59 )
- The interplay between Charlie and Donald Kaufman is a brilliant structural device, externalizing Charlie's internal conflicts and providing both comedic relief and profound pathos. high ( Scene 35 Scene 55 )
- The script’s willingness to confront and even embrace the protagonist's perceived flaws – his weight, baldness, and self-doubt – makes Kaufman's journey deeply relatable and ultimately triumphant. high ( Scene 35 Scene 52 Scene 55 )
- Perceived inability to conventionally resolve conflict. The writer (Kaufman) initially struggles with the concept of conventional narrative resolution and character arcs, as seen in his discussions with Valerie (Seq 3) and his early attempts at adaptation. His belief that 'real life' doesn't have neat resolutions leads to a narrative crisis. The script overcomes this by ultimately embracing a more dramatic, genre-infused resolution for the meta-narrative, even as the core story of Orlean and Laroche remains somewhat unresolved thematically within the book's context. medium
- Acceptance of inherent self-loathing as narrative impetus. Kaufman's profound self-loathing and body dysmorphia are presented as the primary drivers for his creative paralysis. While this is a powerful thematic choice, there's a potential blind spot in that the *resolution* of this self-loathing relies heavily on external events (Donald's sacrifice, the meta-narrative's climax) rather than a solely internal shift, which could be seen as a less earned transformation for the character himself if not handled carefully. However, the script largely earns this by making his internal journey the driving force of the meta-narrative. medium
- Over-reliance on specific character dialogue to explain themes. While generally excellent, there are moments where characters (especially Kaufman himself via voice-over or dialogue with Donald) overtly state thematic concepts that could potentially be conveyed more subtly through action or visual metaphor. For instance, Kaufman's detailed explanations of his creative struggles to Donald (Seq 9, 52) or his direct articulation of his feelings to Orlean's photo (Seq 35) are functional but lean towards exposition. low
- A few instances of plot contrivance for comedic or thematic effect. The sheer coincidence of Kaufman running into Orlean and Donald's simultaneous arrival in New York (Seq 51, 53) is highly convenient for the narrative. Similarly, Donald's precise timing in rescuing Kaufman from Laroche (Seq 58) stretches credulity slightly for the sake of plot progression. These moments, while serving the film's meta-commentary, can feel slightly engineered. low
DeepSeek
Executive Summary
- Exceptional meta-narrative structure that seamlessly blends multiple layers of storytelling - the adaptation process, the story being adapted, and the writer's personal journey high ( Scene 1 (Opening sequence) Scene 60 (Final sequence) )
- Profound character development and transformation, particularly Charlie's journey from self-loathing to self-acceptance through his relationship with Donald high ( Scene 9 (Kaufman/Donald confrontation) Scene 59 (Swamp climax) )
- Brilliant dialogue that captures distinct character voices while exploring complex themes of passion, adaptation, and human connection high ( Scene 14 (Laroche/Orlean van conversation) Scene 17 (Laroche's passion monologue) )
- Innovative integration of thematic elements - evolution, adaptation, passion - that resonate across all narrative layers medium ( Scene 7 (Orlean's orchid hunter montage) Scene 35 (Kaufman's creative breakthrough) )
- Courageous narrative risks including genre shifts and self-referential commentary that pay off dramatically medium ( Scene 48-50 (McKee seminar sequences) Scene 55-59 (Third act genre shift) )
- Some philosophical discussions feel slightly didactic and could be more integrated with character action low ( Scene 33 (Beach conversation) )
- The genre shift to thriller in the final act, while intentional, may feel jarring to some audiences despite thematic justification medium ( Scene 54-59 (Third act action sequences) )
- The complex narrative structure requires significant audience attention and may challenge mainstream viewers low ( Scene Multiple sequences (Throughout) )
- Limited exploration of Orlean's husband's perspective, leaving his character somewhat underdeveloped low ( Scene Multiple (Throughout) )
- More detailed exploration of Laroche's relationship with his mother could deepen emotional impact of his character low ( Scene 22-25 (Laroche backstory sequences) )
- Brilliant bookending with evolutionary themes that create profound thematic resonance high ( Scene 1 (Opening) Scene 60 (Closing) )
- Innovative portrayal of the creative process and writer's block that feels authentic and compelling high ( Scene 35 (Kaufman's creative process) )
- Clever integration of screenwriting theory that serves both as commentary and plot development medium ( Scene 48-50 (McKee sequences) )
- Beautiful metaphorical use of orchids to explore themes of passion, beauty, and human connection medium ( Scene 13 (Orchid show sequence) )
- Over-reliance on intellectual concepts The script occasionally prioritizes philosophical and meta-narrative concepts over emotional accessibility, particularly in scenes involving abstract discussions about passion and creativity low
- None detected The script demonstrates professional-level craftsmanship in structure, character development, dialogue, and thematic integration throughout low
GPT5
Executive Summary
- Powerful, immediate authorial voice. The script opens with an unmistakable narrator tone that sets character and thematic stakes—self-loathing, insecurity and creative paralysis—establishing audience empathy (and cringe) from the first lines. high ( Scene 1 (INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING (Kaufman V.O. opening)) )
- Rich, cinematic imagery and memorable set pieces. Swamp sequences and the ghost orchid moments are vividly described and provide unique visual opportunities—they ground the film’s metaphors physically and emotionally. high ( Scene 5 (EXT. SWAMP - MORNING (Laroche and Indians)) Scene 57 (INT. LAROCHE'S BASEMENT / RENTAL CAR - BEFORE DAWN (Passion drug)) )
- Smart thematic scaffolding: the McKee seminar scenes provide a sustained, sharp critique of screenwriting and Hollywood thinking that the rest of the script riffs on. They also function as an ironic counterpoint to Kaufman’s interior struggles. high ( Scene 46 (INT. AUDITORIUM - MCKEE LECTURE) Scene 50 (INT. BAR - NIGHT (McKee/ending advice)) )
- Complex, well-drawn central characters. Laroche, Orlean and Kaufman are distinct, contradictory and fully realized; their flaws, obsessions and contradictions fuel compelling interpersonal dynamics. high ( Scene 23 (INT. DINER / THE BROMELIAD TREE (Laroche character development)) Scene 31 (INT. RESTAURANT - VALERIE/ORLEAN meeting) )
- High-impact, emotionally resonant climax and epilogue. The script delivers a brutal, operatic third act that forces ideological and personal reckonings; the quieter denouement (Kaufman surviving and the small human connection with Alice) leaves a bittersweet, human note. high ( Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - CLIMAX (boat chase, fire, deaths)) Scene 60 (INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - EPILOGUE) )
- Pacing in Act II: extended research/ornithology/orchid-show passages occasionally stall forward motion. Several sequences linger on observational detail that, while thematically rich, can drag dramatic momentum and delay the inciting complications for Kaufman’s arc. high ( Scene 18 (EXT. SANTA BARBARA ORCHID SHOW / ORLEAN V.O.) Scene 24 (INT. AGENT'S OFFICE / MONTAGE (Kaufman stuck)) )
- Abrupt tonal/character shift: Orlean’s drug-induced conversion to passion and her cooperation with Laroche’s criminal plan escalates quickly and strains believability. The script would benefit from bolstering emotional/psychological transition and grounding the choice. high ( Scene 56 (INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM / BASEMENT (drug extraction and Orlean's conversion)) Scene 57 (INT. LAROCHE'S BASEMENT - ORLEAN TAKES 'PASSION') )
- Motivational logic for escalation: the leap from character conflict to violent, almost mythic slaughter (and the Swamp Ape’s intervention) feels partly contrived—dramatically effective but insufficiently foreshadowed or motivated within the world-building. high ( Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - CLIMAX (Swamp Ape / violent finale)) )
- Unresolved legal/political consequences: the screenplay opens legal/tribal/state questions (poaching, Seminole rights) but does not fully resolve or engage systemic implications after the climax—some threads remain loose. medium ( Scene 10 (INT. COURT ROOM - DAY (Laroche hearing)) Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - AFTERMATH (legal/political fallout absent)) )
- Uneven empathy for supporting groups: Seminole characters function largely as background/plot devices rather than fully developed perspectives; more depth here would prevent cultural flattening. medium ( Scene 23 (INT. THE BROMELIAD TREE / DINER (Laroche's backstory)) )
- Grounding for the Swamp Ape: the creature functions as a mythic punctuation to the climax but lacks earlier narrative evidence—either build the legend/foreshadow (beyond passing mentions) or reframe its appearance to feel earned. high ( Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - CLIMAX (Swamp Ape sequence)) )
- Legal/accountability resolution: after multiple deaths and crimes the script gives minimal procedural fallout; a clearer epilogue addressing consequences (for Laroche's network, Orlean's culpability, state response) would close moral arcs. medium ( Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - AFTERMATH) Scene 60 (INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY (epilogue)) )
- Dramatic agency for Kaufman: much of his story is reactive. Strengthening his active choices (beyond pursuing Orlean) earlier would deepen his arc—show him making hard, consequential decisions rather than only suffering them. medium ( Scene 41 (INT. PLANE / HOTEL ROOM (Kaufman decides to meet Orlean)) )
- Scientific plausibility/market mechanics for the 'Passion' drug: the extract’s properties and how Laroche/Orlean plan to monetize it are sketched loosely; tighter specificity would raise stakes and plausibility. low ( Scene 56 (INT. LAROCHE'S BASEMENT - LAB) )
- Deeper Seminole perspectives: the script uses Seminole men as functional units in Laroche's scheme—adding their voices or a subplot would enrich cultural context and reduce potential stereotyping. medium ( Scene 32 (EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY - DAY) )
- Metafictional reflexivity: the script repeatedly folds on itself (writer writing writer) and uses the craft of screenwriting as both subject and dramatic device—this is a core distinguishing element. high ( Scene 3 (INT. L.A. BUSINESS LUNCH RESTAURANT - MIDDAY (Kaufman meeting Valerie)) Scene 21 (INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (Kaufman meta narration)) )
- The McKee scenes serve as both satire of craft seminars and as guiding structural commentary—they function as a Greek chorus that frames the screenplay’s conflicts about rules vs. originality. high ( Scene 46 (INT. AUDITORIUM - MCKEE LECTURE) )
- Dark twin/foil device: Donald’s presence as Kaufman’s twin is used brilliantly to externalize Kaufman’s doubts, envy and potential—his arc culminating in sacrificial heroism flips expectations and provides emotional weight. high ( Scene 52 (INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT (Donald masturbating to Orlean photo)) Scene 54 (EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATER (Kaufman discovers greenhouse)) )
- Use of layered time and biography: the script weaves in childhood/ancestral vignettes (Kaufman, Laroche, Orlean) to justify present obsessions—this multiplies the thematic resonance. medium ( Scene 5 (INT. SWAMP / FLASHBACKS (boy and turtle sequences)) )
- Ambitious, operatic finale: the climax combines genre beats, mythic violence and thematic reckoning—polarizing but memorable and emotionally intense. high ( Scene 59 (EXT. SWAMP - CLIMAX) )
- Cultural sensitivity / supporting perspective Seminole characters are primarily functional (orchid gatherers, background) and lack agency or deeper voice. They are often labeled generically as 'Indians' and used to enable Laroche's schemes (sequences 5, 10, 32). The script would benefit from integrating Seminole perspectives or giving named Seminole characters interiority to avoid flattening a cultural group into plot mechanics. high
- Escalation plausibility The jump from eccentric poaching to pharmacological extraction to mass violence and a mythic Swamp Ape (sequences 56–59) is narratively audacious but thinly foreshadowed; the writer relies on shock escalation rather than incremental plausibility. Strengthening causal links (how and why Laroche turns violent; the 'Passion' drug’s arc) would reduce the sense of contrivance. high
- Emotional agency for protagonist Kaufman is thematically rich but often reactive; many major decisions are about him being acted upon (Valerie/Valerie's meetings, Orlean & Laroche, Donald's success). While this fits the neurotic character study, it creates a blindspot where the protagonist's active strategy for resolution (beyond flight/pursuit) could be more deliberate. medium
- Overreliance on voice-over and exposition The script frequently uses Kaufman/Orlean voice-over to convey interior states and history (openings, montages). While stylistically intentional, excessive V.O. risks telling rather than showing and may be flagged by filmmakers as a crutch rather than dramatization (evident across sequences 1, 21, 40). medium
- Convenient coincidences / deus ex machina Plot escalations sometimes depend on unlikely coincidences (Donald stumbling into the Orlean/Laroche household, the rental car discovery of an entire greenhouse, the sudden appearance and specific behavior of the Swamp Ape) which read as plot devices rather than organically earned moments (sequences 54, 55, 59). medium
- Thinly developed secondary arcs used as shorthand Several subplots (the Seminole legal angle, Laroche's porn/Internet side-business, Orlean's husband) are sketched and then swiftly repurposed for plot; they sometimes read like shorthand rather than fully-developed beats, which can feel like amateur compression of complexity (sequences 10, 32, 56). low
Claude
Executive Summary
- The script opens with a strong, distinctive voice in the form of Charlie Kaufman's self-deprecating, introspective narration, which immediately establishes the character's insecurities and sets the tone for the story. high ( Scene 1 (INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING) Scene 9 (INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT) )
- The script's meta-fictional elements, such as Kaufman's struggle to adapt the book and his imagined relationship with Orlean, are seamlessly integrated into the narrative and serve to deepen the exploration of the creative process and the nature of identity. high ( Scene 37 (INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT) )
- The script's use of vivid, sensory-rich descriptions of the Fakahatchee Strand swamp creates a strong sense of place and atmosphere, enhancing the narrative's sense of immersion and mystery. medium ( Scene 19 (INT. SWAMP - DAY) Scene 22 (EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNING) )
- The script's inclusion of the screenwriting seminar led by the character of Bob McKee provides a compelling meta-commentary on the creative process and the challenges of writing for the screen, further enhancing the script's thematic depth. medium ( Scene 46 (INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER) )
- The script's climactic sequence in the swamp, featuring the confrontation between Kaufman, Orlean, Laroche, and the mysterious "Swamp Ape," is a thrilling, suspenseful, and visually striking set piece that ties together the script's various narrative threads. high ( Scene 54 (EXT. SWAMP - LATER) )
- The script occasionally suffers from pacing issues, particularly in the middle section, where the narrative can feel a bit meandering and unfocused at times. medium ( Scene 23 (INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT) Scene 24 (INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY) )
- Some of the dialogue, particularly in the scenes involving Kaufman's interactions with other characters, can feel a bit on-the-nose or expository at times, which can undermine the script's otherwise strong character development. medium ( Scene 26 (INT. PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT) )
- The script occasionally has some narrative gaps or unexplained elements, such as the fate of the "Swamp Ape" and the full extent of Orlean's involvement in Laroche's criminal activities, which could benefit from further development or clarification. medium ( Scene 30 (INT. TRUCK - DAY) Scene 31 (INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT) )
- The script could potentially benefit from a more explicit exploration of the relationship between Kaufman and his brother Donald, as their dynamic is a crucial element of the story but is not always fully developed. medium ( Scene 55 (INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS) )
- The script could also benefit from a more nuanced exploration of Orlean's character and her motivations, as her sudden transformation from a seemingly passive observer to an active participant in Laroche's criminal activities feels a bit abrupt at times. medium ( Scene 56 (INT. RENTAL CAR - BEFORE DAWN) )
- The script's use of the Ouroboros metaphor, with Kaufman feeling that he has "written himself into his screenplay" and is "eating himself," is a powerful and resonant symbol that speaks to the script's themes of identity, creativity, and the challenges of the writing process. high ( Scene 41 (INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT) )
- The inclusion of the Bob McKee character and his screenwriting seminar provides a compelling meta-commentary on the nature of storytelling and the challenges of adapting non-fiction material for the screen, further enhancing the script's thematic depth. high ( Scene 46 (INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER) )
- The script's ending, with Kaufman finding a renewed sense of purpose and connection through his interaction with the waitress Alice, provides a poignant and hopeful resolution to the character's journey, suggesting that the process of self-acceptance and creative fulfillment is an ongoing one. high ( Scene 60 (INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY) )
- Character Development While the script excels at developing the central characters of Charlie Kaufman and his brother Donald, the supporting characters of Susan Orlean and John Laroche could benefit from more nuanced and consistent development. Orlean's sudden transformation from a passive observer to an active participant in Laroche's criminal activities feels a bit abrupt and could use further exploration. medium
- Pacing Issues The script occasionally suffers from pacing issues, particularly in the middle section, where the narrative can feel a bit meandering and unfocused at times. This could be addressed through tighter editing and a more streamlined approach to certain plot points. medium
- Dialogue Weaknesses Some of the dialogue, particularly in the scenes involving Kaufman's interactions with other characters, can feel a bit on-the-nose or expository at times, which can undermine the script's otherwise strong character development. Improving the naturalism and subtext of the dialogue could enhance the script's overall effectiveness. medium
Memorable lines in the script:
| Scene Number | Line |
|---|---|
| 1 | KAUFMAN (V.O.): I am old. I am fat. I am bald. My toenails have turned strange. |
| 9 | KAUFMAN: I am fat. I am repulsive. I cannot bear my own reflection. |
| 43 | Laroche: I'll find you a f***ing ghost if it kills me. |
| 50 | KAUFMAN: That's the book. I wanted to present it simply, without big character arcs or sensationalizing the story. I wanted to show flowers as God's miracles. I wanted to show that Orlean never saw the blooming ghost orchid. It's about disappointment. |
| 48 | McKee: Michelle Pfeiffer is proof, my friends, that there's a fucking God. |