The whale

Genres: Drama, Character, Study, Family, Slice, of, Life, Dark, Comedy

Overview The Whale is a screenplay that follows a severely overweight man named Charlie as he grapples with physical and emotional pain, attempts to reconnect with his estranged daughter, and seeks redemption for his past mistakes. The story explores themes of mortality, isolation, the desire for connection, regret, family, religion, doubt, and weight and physical health.

Theme The central themes of The Whale include mortality, isolation, the desire for connection, regret, family, religion, doubt, and weight and physical health.

Characters The main characters in The Whale include Charlie, a severely overweight man struggling with physical and emotional health issues and seeking redemption; Ellie, Charlie's estranged daughter harboring resentment towards him; Thomas, a young missionary wrestling with his faith and demons; Liz, Charlie's loyal and supportive friend; and Mary, Ellie's mother dealing with her own regrets and vulnerabilities.

Conflict The main conflict in The Whale revolves around Charlie's physical and emotional struggles, his strained relationship with Ellie, his desire to reconnect with her, and the inner conflicts of other characters like Thomas and Mary.

Story Telling The Whale employs a unique storytelling approach through its authentic and gritty dialogue, introspective internal monologues, and subtle yet impactful character actions. The screenplay also incorporates the use of voice-over narration and employs moments of tension, silence, and emotional weight to enhance the storytelling.

Tone and Style The overall tone and style of The Whale is raw, emotionally charged, and introspective. The screenplay balances moments of intense confrontation and emotional turmoil with vulnerability and reflection. The authentic and honest dialogue complements the gritty and realistic descriptions, creating an immersive experience for the reader.

Setting The setting of The Whale spans various locations, including Charlie's squalid apartment, the Palouse region in Idaho with its rolling crop fields resembling ocean waves, and significant interpersonal spaces between characters. Each setting serves as a backdrop for the characters' struggles, conflicts, and desires for connection.

Audience The Whale is intended for an adult audience that appreciates complex and character-driven stories. It will appeal to those who are drawn to narratives exploring themes of personal growth, redemption, family dynamics, and the human condition.



Note: The ratings are the averages over each scene.
The Percentile is against the screenplays in our library.
Title
Grade
Percentile
Overall8.2  52
Concept 7.4  20
Plot 7.6  21
Characters 8.4  78
Dialogue 7.3 26
Emotional Impact 8.7 98
Conflict Level 7.2 35
At least one Character Changes in the scene 7.2 92
Story Moves Forward 7.2 20
High Stakes 6.5 26
Internal Goal Score 8.0 54
External Goal Score 6.8 10
Originality Score 6.6 46
Engagement Score 8.6 49
Pacing Score 8.1 15
Formatting Score 8.8 8
Structure Score 8.0 10



Genres: Drama, Character, Study, Family, Slice, of, Life, Dark, Comedy



Summary In this movie, titled "Charlie's Pain," the story follows a severely overweight man named Charlie who is dealing with various emotional and physical struggles in his squalid apartment. Charlie experiences intense chest pains and seeks help from a young man named Thomas. Instead of calling an ambulance, Charlie asks Thomas to read an essay to distract him from the pain. Throughout the movie, Charlie reflects on his life, his strained relationship with his daughter Ellie, and his own self-hatred. There are tense conversations about religion, confrontations with delivery boys, and moments of connection and understanding between Charlie and Ellie. Ultimately, the movie explores themes of regret, redemption, and the bonding power of shared experiences.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The plot of the screenplay explores themes of mortality, isolation, family, and regret, which adds depth to the story. The scenes involving Charlie's physical and emotional struggles provide a strong emotional core. The dialogue is generally well-written and effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters. However, some scenes feel repetitive and could benefit from tighter pacing. Additionally, some character arcs, such as the relationship between Charlie and Ellie, could be further developed to create a stronger emotional payoff.

Suggestions: To improve the plot/story, consider streamlining some of the repetitive scenes and focusing on key moments of character development. Develop the arc between Charlie and Ellie, allowing for a more gradual and meaningful reconciliation. Explore opportunities to delve deeper into the themes of mortality and isolation, perhaps by incorporating more introspective moments for Charlie. Consider adding layers to the conflict between Charlie and Liz, providing more context and history to their strained relationship. Finally, ensure that the pacing of the screenplay remains consistent and maintains a balance between emotional depth and forward momentum.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact, well-developed characters, exploration of themes
  • Effective tension-building, emotionally engaging dialogue, authentic character interactions
  • Strong atmosphere and emotion, intriguing protagonist, exploration of themes
  • Strong portrayal of Charlie's emotions and inner turmoil, effective use of silence and visual cues to enhance the atmosphere, establishes themes of regret and loneliness
  • Tense and emotional dialogue, well-developed characters, tragic backstory adds depth
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lacks significant plot development, low conflict level
  • Limited development of secondary characters, some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of character and emotional depth, limited conflict and dialogue impact
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced, lacks significant plot development
  • Limited external conflict or high-action moments
Suggestions
  • Consider increasing the conflict level and plot development to engage the audience more
  • Explore secondary characters in more depth and vary the dialogue for more impact
  • Develop more emotional depth and nuance in the dialogue and character interactions
  • Work on creating more external conflict or high-action moments to keep the audience engaged
  • Use visual descriptions to enhance the setting and offer more complexity to the characters

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Emotional Impact 8.7  97 A Quiet Place: 8.6 The whale: 8.7
Character Changes 7.2  91 The sweet hereafter: 7.1 The whale: 7.2
Characters 8.4  73 Mo: 8.3 American hustle: 8.4
Internal Goal 8.03  53 Mr Robot: 8.00 The whale: 8.03
Engagement 8.59  46 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.58 The whale: 8.59
Originality 6.62  45 Breaking bad, episode 306: 6.50 The whale: 6.62
Overall 8.2  45 The sweet hereafter: 8.1 Donnie Darko: 8.2
Conflict Level 7.2  33 Pinocchio: 7.1 American hustle: 7.2
High Stakes 6.5  23 Fear and loathing in Las Vegas: 6.4 Boyz n the hood: 6.5
Dialogue 7.3  22 The Wizard of oz: 7.2 face/off: 7.3
Plot 7.6  19 What we do in the shadows: 7.5 Erin Brokovich: 7.6
Story Forward 7.2  17 Madmen: 7.1 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 7.2
Concept 7.4  16 Mind Hunter: 7.3 legally blonde: 7.4
Pacing 8.10  13 Queens Gambit: 8.00 The whale: 8.10
External Goal 6.83  9 Queens Gambit: 6.79 The whale: 6.83
Structure 8.03  8 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 7.97 The whale: 8.03
Formatting 8.79  6 Inglorious Basterds: 8.67 The whale: 8.79



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 The Whale Critical, Sarcastic, Serious 8 7 66 7 286243574 699108
2 Charlie's Health Scare Boredom, Confusion, Panic, Awkwardness, Tentative 9 8 87 9 786777869 88999
3 A Life in Limbo 8 8 97 9 789978879 898108
4 The Lonely Night Somber, Reflective, Regretful, Desperate 9 8 77 9 787675769 68899
5 Health Scare 7 6 74 6 685566777 58897
6 A Fractured Reunion tense, emotional, confrontational, heartbreaking 8 8 77 9 786786879 78799
7 Delivery Boy Interlude Anxious, Lonely, Guilty, Desperate 8 7 74 8 686564659 67898
8 A Desperate Reconnection Anxious, Tense, Regretful, Angry 9 8 88 9 7979798810 79787
9 Charlie's Desperation 5 4 67 7 698354534 47898
10 Reconnecting Through Literature Confrontational, Anxious, Regretful, Resentful 8 7 89 9 886977869 89877
11 Charlie's Bathroom Breakdown Anxious, Lonely, Regretful 8 7 65 9 887577659 69978
12 Awkward Encounter Tense, Awkward, Confrontational 7 6 88 7 686876877 89897
13 Confrontation and Revelation tense, emotional, confrontational 8 7 87 9 886876779 98899
14 Charlie's Struggle Tense, Confrontational, Emotional 8 7 87 8 887977769 89989
15 A Clash of Beliefs Tense, Confrontational, Angry, Sad 9 8 97 9 7989998810 810999
16 Charlie's Reflection Tense, Confrontational, Emotional, Regretful, Reflective, Hopeful 7 6 65 7 787674668 57898
17 Father and Daughter tense, emotional 9 8 76 10 9879767710 99898
18 Ambien Sandwiches Tense, Emotional, Sarcastic, Intense 8 9 76 8 787887879 99898
19 Revelations and Confessions Intense, Emotional, Tense, Awkward 9 8 88 9 878776878 99899
20 Revelations and Reconciliation Intense, Emotional, Tense, Awkward 8 7 84 9 876887979 799108
21 Revelations and Betrayals Intense, Emotional, Tense, Awkward 9 8 87 7 9969888910 89898
22 Reconciliation and Regret Tense, Awkward, Sad 8 7 64 9 787664559 89798
23 Confrontation and Reconciliation tense, emotional, honest 8 7 89 8 878877879 79888
24 Reconciliation and Loss Tense, Emotional 9 8 77 9 787798769 89898
25 Tension and Reflection Tense 8 7 86 9 887777769 77899
26 Revelations and Pain Tense, Emotional, Intense 10 9 88 9 8989898610 79887
27 Friday Tense, Emotional, Reflective 8.5 8 97 9 887766759 89898
28 Confrontation and Farewell Tense, Emotional, Defeated, Hopeful 9 8 98 9 8759688610 89887
29 The Final Revelation tense, emotional, confrontational 9 8 87 9 888988869 99897


Scene 1 - The Whale
Opening credits over black.

As credits continue, we begin to hear:

CHARLIE (V.O.)
“There were many aspects to the
book The Great Gatsby. But I was
bored by it because it was about
people I don’t care about and they
do things I don’t understand. In
conclusion, The Great Gatsby wasn’t
so great, LOL.”

Pause. The sound of typing on a laptop, a mouse clicking.
Titles continue.

We begin to see images of rolling crop fields from the
Palouse region of northwestern Idaho.

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The problems here are painfully
obvious. No discernible thesis,
almost no analysis whatsoever...
I’m going to post the entire paper,
what I want from you is a three to
four paragraph response providing
concrete ideas for revision.

The sound of a computer chiming. The images of the hills
continue, beginning to vaguely resemble ocean waves.

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Also, those of you who haven’t
given me paper four, I need it by
Friday, no exceptions.

TITLE: THE WHALE

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
And remember: the more revision you
do, the better. The more you
change, chances are the stronger
these papers will be. Alright?


TITLE: MONDAY
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Opening credits over black. Charlie, the narrator, expresses boredom and lack of understanding towards 'The Great Gatsby'. He asks for revisions on a paper and reminds students to submit paper four by Friday. The scene ends with a reminder to embrace revision.
Strengths
  • Effective use of voice-over narration
  • Establishes main character's personality and academic environment
Weaknesses
  • Lacks significant plot development
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene sets the tone and establishes the main character's voice and academic environment effectively. The use of voice-over narration adds depth and personal perspective to the scene. The reminder to embrace revision adds to the overall rating.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring personal opinions and the academic environment is engaging and relatable. However, the scene could benefit from further development and exploration of themes.

Plot: 6

The plot introduces the main character, establishes their opinions, and sets up the academic setting. However, the scene lacks significant plot development or conflict.

Originality: 6

This scene demonstrates a moderate level of originality. While the setting and situation are familiar (an academic environment with assignments and deadlines), the protagonist's voice and perspective bring a fresh and unique approach. The authenticity of the protagonist's actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Charlie is established as the narrator and expresses their personality through their critical and sarcastic tone. While other characters are not introduced in this scene, the focus on Charlie's perspective adds depth.

Character Changes: 2

There are minimal character changes in this scene. Charlie remains consistent in their personality and opinions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express their boredom and disinterest in The Great Gatsby, as well as their desire for concrete ideas for revising their paper. This reflects their deeper need for meaningful and engaging literature, their fear of being unstimulated by academic texts, and their desire to improve their writing and analytical skills.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to remind their classmates to submit their fourth paper by Friday. This reflects the immediate circumstance of assignments and deadlines they're facing as a student.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

The conflict level in this scene is low. It mainly focuses on Charlie's opinions and academic instructions, lacking significant conflicts between characters or external events.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak. The protagonist faces minimal obstacles or opposition that creates uncertainty or tension. The mention of paper submissions and revisions serves as a reminder of their responsibilities, but does not present a significant challenge or source of conflict.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are moderate, focusing on academic performance and the importance of paper revisions.

Story Forward: 5

The scene sets up the main character's personality, academic setting, and the need for paper revisions. However, it does not significantly move the overall story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable to some extent because the protagonist's thoughts and remarks about The Great Gatsby go against the commonly held view of the book as a classic. The audience may not expect such a dismissive and humorous perspective, creating a small element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene evokes a mild emotional impact through Charlie's critical tone and frustration towards 'The Great Gatsby'. However, it lacks strong emotional moments.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys Charlie's voice, opinions, and academic instructions. However, more dynamic and engaging dialogue could enhance the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, relatable dialogue, and clear goals for the protagonist. The casual tone and the protagonist's direct address to the audience create a sense of involvement and connection. The mention of a novel and the promise of revisions also introduce a sense of intrigue and potential development.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in conveying the protagonist's thoughts and actions. The dialogue is balanced with narrative descriptions and scene directions, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The pauses between certain lines and the use of sound cues also contribute to the pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses elements like character names in all caps, parentheticals for character actions, and proper use of scene headings and transitions. The scene is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with opening credits, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses with the protagonist's actions and dialogue. The scene transitions smoothly and provides clear information for the audience.


Critique Overall, this scene seems to depict a character named Charlie giving a voice-over commentary while typing on a laptop. Here are a few critiques and suggestions to consider:

1. Lack of Visual Engagement: The opening credits over black are visually uninteresting. Consider incorporating visually engaging elements to capture the audience's attention from the beginning, even during the credits. This can help set the tone and atmosphere of the film.

2. Voice-Over Delivery: The tone of the voice-over should be adjusted to match the intended mood of the scene. Currently, Charlie's commentary comes across as sarcastic and dismissive. If this aligns with the character's personality and the overall tone of the film, it can be effective. However, if it doesn't serve a specific purpose, it might be worth exploring different approaches to the delivery.

3. Transition and Visual Imagery: The transition from the sound of typing and clicking to images of rolling crop fields lacks a clear connection. Consider finding a more seamless way to transition between these elements or add a visual cue that helps connect them thematically.

4. Clarity of Purpose: It is unclear why Charlie's commentary is focused on "The Great Gatsby" book and students' paper submissions. It might be helpful to establish the context more explicitly. Is Charlie a teacher evaluating papers? Is he a student discussing their frustrations with academics? Providing clearer context will enhance the audience's understanding and engagement.

5. Title Placement: The appearance of the titles "The Whale" and "Monday" seem disconnected from the rest of the scene and its content. Consider integrating these titles more smoothly or reevaluating whether they are necessary at this point in the narrative.

Remember, these critiques are made based solely on the provided scene. Understanding the broader story, characters, and themes would provide further insights into the effectiveness of this scene within the overall screenplay.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is engaging and sets up the main character, Charlie, as a critic who is not impressed with the book "The Great Gatsby." Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider starting with a visual element instead of opening credits over black. This would give the scene a more visually captivating start. For example, you could begin the scene with the images of rolling crop fields and then fade in the opening credits.

2. Give Charlie a more distinctive voice. The dialogue feels a bit generic and lacks a distinct personality. Try to make it sound more like Charlie's own thoughts rather than a generic opinion. This will help the audience connect with the character and create a more memorable scene.

3. Show Charlie's actions while he's speaking to enhance the visual storytelling. For example, instead of simply hearing typing on a laptop and a mouse clicking, show Charlie actually typing on his laptop and clicking the mouse. This will add movement to the scene and make it more visually interesting.

4. Provide more context for the audience to understand Charlie's role or surroundings. Is he in a classroom, a coffee shop, or somewhere else? Adding a few visual cues or brief descriptions will help set the scene and create a stronger connection between the audience and the character.

5. Consider adding some visual elements that support Charlie's thoughts and criticisms of "The Great Gatsby." For example, instead of just showing rolling crop fields, you could incorporate images or brief clips that represent the things Charlie finds boring or doesn't understand. This will help reinforce his perspective and make the scene more visually engaging.

6. Rewrite the line about posting the entire paper and asking for a response to be more concise and straightforward. The current dialogue feels a bit convoluted and could be simplified for better clarity.

7. Consider adding a visual transition between the rolling crop fields and the vaguely resembling ocean waves. This could be done through a smooth crossfade or a creative editing technique. This will help visually connect the different images and create a smoother transition within the scene.

By applying these suggestions, you can enhance the scene's visual appeal, strengthen the characterization of Charlie, and improve the overall engagement for the audience.



Scene 2 - Charlie's Health Scare
INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A squalid, desolate one-bedroom apartment. Empty food
containers everywhere, nothing has been properly cleaned for
months if not years.
2.


Present in the apartment are: a television, a couch covered
with a soiled bedsheet, a recliner, a rolling desk with a
laptop on top, towels, various two-liter soda bottles, a mini-
fridge.

CHARLIE, a man in his 40s weighing around 600 pounds, is on
the couch in front of his laptop, masturbating to gay porn.

He struggles to reach his penis, bending over awkwardly. His
breathing becomes more shallow as he maneuvers his hand
around his stomach.

Suddenly, he has sharp pain in his chest. He doubles over.

He starts to reach for his cellphone but has another surge of
pain. He accidentally knocks the cellphone to the floor, it
bounces underneath the couch.

He leans back, struggling to calm himself down. The gay porn
continues to play in the background.

In his panic, he leans over toward the mini-fridge, grabbing
a folder off the top of it. Inside the folder is a well-worn
essay with a “D-” grade written on the cover page. The title
of the essay is “Moby Dick”. He looks at it.

A knock at the door. CHARLIE looks.

CHARLIE
Liz?!

Pause. Another knock at the door.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s not locked, just come in! I
need help, I--!

The door opens and THOMAS, 19, appears. He wears a shirt and
tie, holds a few books.

THOMAS
Oh my God.
(pause)
Oh, gosh, are you--? Should I call
an ambulance?

THOMAS notices the gay porn, still playing. CHARLIE reaches
forward and shuts the laptop. THOMAS starts frantically
searching for a telephone. CHARLIE extends the essay to him.

CHARLIE
Read this to me.

THOMAS continues to search for the phone.
3.


THOMAS
I don’t have a cell phone, where’s
your--?

CHARLIE
Please just read it to me.

THOMAS looks at him, unsure of what to do.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
PLEASE JUST READ IT TO ME!

THOMAS grabs the essay from CHARLIE.

THOMAS
Okay, okay--!
(reading quickly)
“In the amazing book Moby Dick by
the author Herman Melville, the
author recounts his story of being
at sea. In the first part of his
book the author, calling himself
Ishmael, is in a small seaside town
and he is sharing a bed with a man
named Queequeg--” What is this,
why am I reading this?! I need to--

CHARLIE
Just read it, any of it!

THOMAS
(reads)
“I was very saddened by this book,
and I felt many emotions for the
characters. And I felt saddest of
all when I read the boring chapters
that were only descriptions of
whales, because I knew the author
was just trying to save us from his
own sad story, just for a little
while.”

CHARLIE’s breathing begins to return to normal. The pain
starts to slowly subside.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(reading)
“This book made me think about my
own life, and then it made me feel
glad for my...”
(pause)
Did that--help?
4.


CHARLIE takes a few deep breaths, lies back on the couch. He
grabs a towel, wipes the sweat off his face.

CHARLIE
Yes. Yes, it--.

Pause.

THOMAS
Where’s your phone? I need to call
an ambulance.

CHARLIE
I don’t go to hospitals.

THOMAS
Look I can’t help you, I don’t--

CHARLIE
I don’t go to hospitals.
(pause)
Sorry. You can go, I’m sorry.
Thank you for reading that to me.

CHARLIE reaches for the essay, THOMAS gives it to him.
THOMAS eyes the door, then turns back to CHARLIE, unsure of
what to do.

THOMAS
Are you sure you’re okay?

CHARLIE nods, carefully putting the essay back into the
folder.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Okay.

THOMAS looks at CHARLIE for a moment longer, then heads
toward the door. He is almost out of the apartment when he
stops, looks back at CHARLIE. CHARLIE looks at him.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(tentative)
Do you know the gospel of Jesus
Christ?

Pause.

CHARLIE
What?
5.


THOMAS
I represent New Life Church? I’m
sharing Christ’s message of love
and--...

THOMAS trails off. An awkward silence, THOMAS looks down.

CHARLIE
Listen, I should call my friend.
She’s a nurse, she--takes care of
me.

THOMAS looks up, takes a few steps toward CHARLIE.

THOMAS
Oh. Yeah, sure, do you have--?

CHARLIE
My cellphone fell under there, can
you--?

CHARLIE points under the couch. THOMAS goes to the couch,
bends down. He reaches under the couch, hesitates a bit when
he sees the old trash and wrappers stuffed underneath. He
finds the phone, gives it to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Look I--. I don’t know what’s
gonna happen in the next few
minutes, if you don’t mind, could
you...?

Pause. THOMAS considers.

THOMAS
Yeah, of course.

CHARLIE
Thank you.

CHARLIE looks up a number on his cellphone. THOMAS closes
the door.

THOMAS
What was--? That thing you had me
read to you?

CHARLIE
It’s an essay. It’s my job, I
teach online classes on expository
writing.
6.


THOMAS
But why did you want me to read it
to you?

Pause. CHARLIE pushes send, puts the phone to his ear.

CHARLIE
Because I thought I was dying. And
I wanted to hear it one last time.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight man, is alone in his squalid apartment when he suddenly experiences chest pain. He tries to reach his phone but struggles. Thomas, a young man, enters and offers to call an ambulance. Charlie insists he doesn't go to hospitals and asks Thomas to read an essay on 'Moby Dick' instead. As Thomas reads, Charlie's pain begins to subside. Thomas tries to leave, but offers to call Charlie's friend, a nurse. Charlie asks for his phone and calls his friend. He explains that he wanted to hear the essay in case it was his last moments.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, well-developed characters, tension-building, exploration of themes"
Weaknesses "Some awkward dialogue, potential for further character development"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and captures the emotional turmoil of Charlie's health scare. It also introduces the character of Thomas and highlights the dynamic between him and Charlie.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character facing a health scare in their own squalid apartment is unique and presents an opportunity for character development and exploration of themes.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Charlie's health scare and his interaction with Thomas. It effectively builds suspense and explores Charlie's emotions and desires.

Originality: 7

This scene shows some level of originality through its depiction of the protagonist's unique circumstances and struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality. However, the overall situation of a character facing a health emergency is somewhat familiar.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Charlie and Thomas are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Charlie's vulnerability and desire for connection is juxtaposed with Thomas' initial discomfort and eventual compassion.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and change for both Charlie and Thomas as they navigate their relationship and Charlie's health issues.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find comfort and distraction from his pain and fears. It reflects his deeper need for emotional connection and his fear of dying alone.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to seek help for his health emergency. It reflects the immediate circumstance of experiencing chest pain and needing medical assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from Charlie's health scare and his internal struggle with whether to seek medical help. There is also a subtle conflict between Charlie and Thomas as they navigate their different perspectives.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The protagonist faces the obstacle of his health emergency and the uncertainty of whether he will receive help. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Charlie's health, as he experiences intense chest pain. There is also a sense of emotional stakes in his desire for connection and his fear of dying alone.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing Thomas, establishing the setting, and raising questions about Charlie's health and his desire for connection.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene has a moderate level of unpredictability. The audience does not know how the protagonist's health emergency will play out, but the general situation is somewhat predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not a clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response by portraying Charlie's fear and vulnerability. It also inspires empathy for his desire for connection in his time of need.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It showcases Charlie's desperation and Thomas' confusion and concern.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a moment of crisis and poses questions about the protagonist's fate. The raw emotions, realistic dialogue, and vivid descriptions hold the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing and rhythm of the scene effectively contribute to its effectiveness. The tension builds as the protagonist experiences pain, seeks help, and eventually finds some relief.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and provides a resolution.


Critique Overall, this scene is a powerful and intense portrayal of a character in a moment of desperation and vulnerability. Here are some specific points to consider for critique:

1. Description and ambiance: The opening description of the squalid apartment effectively sets the tone and atmosphere of the scene. The use of empty food containers, lack of cleanliness, and clutter gives a vivid picture of the environment. This description supports the characterization of Charlie and his current state of life.

2. Characterization: Charlie is introduced as a man in his 40s, weighing around 600 pounds, who is isolated in his apartment. The scene focuses on his physical struggles and the pain he experiences, which highlights his vulnerability and desperation. Charlie's difficulty in reaching his penis and his labored breathing adds to the believability and realism of his condition.

3. Conflict and tension: The sharp pain in Charlie's chest and his subsequent panic increase the tension in the scene. The accidental knocking of his cellphone and the struggle to find it intensify this conflict, further raising the stakes. The presence of the gay porn playing in the background adds another layer of complexity and discomfort.

4. Thomas's entrance: Thomas's entrance provides a contrast to Charlie's character. Thomas is depicted as a young, well-dressed individual who appears shocked and concerned by Charlie's situation.

5. Dialogue: The dialogue between Charlie and Thomas effectively conveys the confusion, fear, and desperation felt by Charlie. Charlie's repetitive requests for Thomas to read the essay show his attempt to find solace or distraction in something familiar. The mention of New Life Church and the gospel of Jesus Christ adds an interesting dynamic and potential for further conflict.

6. Closure and depth: The scene ends with Charlie finding temporary relief from his pain and the introduction of a new possibility for support through his friend, a nurse. This provides some closure to the immediate conflict while leaving room for further exploration and development.

In summary, this scene effectively creates a tense and emotional moment, highlighting the struggles and vulnerabilities of the character, Charlie. The dialogue and actions serve to deepen the understanding of his situation and hint at potential future conflicts and resolutions.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider the tone and language: The description of the apartment and Charlie's actions can be toned down and described in a less explicit manner. This would allow the reader to understand the squalid and desolate living conditions without resorting to graphic details.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of explicitly stating that Charlie is masturbating, consider conveying his discomfort and difficulty in reaching his penis through his physical struggles and labored breathing. This can be done with subtlety to maintain the tone of the scene.

3. Clarify characters' emotions and reactions: You can add more emotional details to portray Charlie's panic and pain during the episode. This could include descriptions of his facial expressions, bodily movements, and internal thoughts. Similarly, Thomas's initial shock and confusion when he enters the apartment could be emphasized.

4. Improve dialogue: The dialogue can be refined to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions. For example, when Thomas offers to call an ambulance, instead of asking "Should I call an ambulance?" he could say something like "I'll call an ambulance right away."

5. Develop character motivations: It would be helpful to establish why Thomas stays in the apartment even after realizing the situation. Clarify his intentions and feelings through dialogue or internal thoughts, as this will make his decision more understandable to the audience.

6. Make the ending more impactful: The last line from Charlie, "Because I thought I was dying. And I wanted to hear it one last time," can be enhanced to create a stronger emotional impact. Consider adding a moment of vulnerability and reflection from Charlie, reinforcing his fear and desperation in that moment.

By making these improvements, you can strengthen the dramatic tension in the scene and make it more engaging for readers and viewers.



Scene 3 - A Life in Limbo
INT. - LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE, shirtless, sits on the couch as before. LIZ takes
his blood pressure with an oversized cuff. THOMAS stands in
a corner, trying not to look at CHARLIE.

LIZ
You should have called an
ambulance.

CHARLIE
With no health insurance?

LIZ
Being in debt is better than being
dead.

CHARLIE
I’m not--

LIZ
Sh.

CHARLIE takes a deep breath, sweat pouring down his face and
onto his chest. He grabs a towel, wipes his forehead.

LIZ listens for his blood pressure. She reads the high
number. Her eyes widen. CHARLIE looks at her.

CHARLIE
What?

LIZ
Sh.

LIZ reads the lower number. She looks at CHARLIE, then takes
off the cuff.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Tell me what you felt.
7.


CHARLIE
Pain, in my chest. It was hard to
breathe, I couldn’t intake air.

LIZ
How are you sleeping?

CHARLIE
I’m tired all the time. I’ve been
sleeping on the couch, I can
breathe better.

LIZ takes out a stethoscope. CHARLIE bends forward as best
as he can, LIZ listens to his breathing.

LIZ
You’re wheezing.

CHARLIE
I always wheeze, Liz.

LIZ
Deep breath.

CHARLIE takes a deep breath, it causes some pain in his
chest. He winces.

LIZ (CONT’D)
That hurt?

CHARLIE
What was my blood pressure?

LIZ takes the stethoscope out of her ears, grabs CHARLIE’s
shirt, putting it over CHARLIE’s head.

LIZ
238 over 134.

Pause. CHARLIE raises his arms, LIZ helps him put on the
shirt.

CHARLIE
Oh.

LIZ
Yeah. Oh.

LIZ pulls the shirt the rest of the way down CHARLIE’s torso.
THOMAS watches, uncomfortable.

CHARLIE reaches for his walker, unable to reach it.
8.


CHARLIE
Could you--? I haven’t been to the
bathroom all day, I’m ready to
explode.

LIZ hands CHARLIE his walker. She holds it to the floor,
putting all her weight on it, allowing CHARLIE to brace
himself on the walker and stand up. CHARLIE starts making
his way toward the bathroom, LIZ watches him.

LIZ
You need help?

CHARLIE
No, I’m fine, just--. Sorry.

LIZ
What are you sorry about?

CHARLIE
Sorry, I don’t know. Sorry.

CHARLIE makes his way down the hallway, wheezing heavily.
LIZ watches him, then turns to THOMAS. Awkward pause.

THOMAS
I should go.

LIZ
Thank you. For helping him.

THOMAS starts gathering his things, about to head toward the
door.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You out spreading the Word?

THOMAS stops.

THOMAS
What?

LIZ
You’re from New Life, right?

Pause. THOMAS nods, smiles slightly at her. LIZ goes to the
couch, takes the bedsheet off of it.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You know Doug, from the church
council?
9.


THOMAS
Oh, yeah, I think so? I mean I’m
sort of new so I don’t--

LIZ
He’s my dad.

LIZ throws the dirty bedsheet into a hamper, then goes to a
closet and gets a clean one.

THOMAS
Oh really? Oh that’s--that’s
really great, I didn’t realize
you--. I’ve never seen you there--

LIZ
I fucking hate New Life.

LIZ spreads the clean bedsheet over the couch.

THOMAS
Oh.

LIZ
My dad forced me to go when I was a
kid. It was awful, growing up with
all that end times bullshit...
You’re young, you really wanna
believe the world is gonna end?

THOMAS considers, wording his answer very carefully.

THOMAS
I think that when Christ comes
again, it’s going to be--a
wonderful thing.

LIZ finishes with the bedsheet, then goes to a window, opens
it. She pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one,
blowing smoke out of the window.

LIZ
Look, you can go. I know Charlie
appreciates the help.

THOMAS
I’d love to talk to him about the
church?

Pause.

LIZ
Listen, New Life Church has caused
him--caused us--a lot of pain.
(MORE)
10.

LIZ (CONT'D)
So he doesn’t need this.
Especially not now, not this week.

THOMAS
Why not this week?

LIZ
Because he’s probably not going to
be here next week.

THOMAS
Where is he going?

We begin to hear the sound of CHARLIE wheezing from down the
hall, the clank of his walker on the carpet. LIZ throws her
cigarette out the window, shuts it.

CHARLIE emerges from the hallway on his walker.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry you had to come over,
Liz.

LIZ
It’s okay.

CHARLIE
And I’m sorry I always think I’m
dying.

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, speaking to him as he heads back to the
couch.

LIZ
Charlie your blood pressure is 238
over 134.

CHARLIE arrives at the couch. He braces himself on his
walker and the arm of the couch, collapses down into a seated
position with a sharp pain in his chest. He hides it as best
he can.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry.

LIZ
Go to the hospital.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
Stop saying you’re sorry, go to the
hospital.
11.


CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
(firm)
You have congestive heart failure.
If you don’t go to the hospital,
you’re going to die. Probably
before the weekend. You. Will.
Die.

Silence. CHARLIE thinks, then reaches for his computer,
pulling it towards him.

CHARLIE
Then I should probably keep
working, I have a lot of essays
this week--

LIZ
Goddammit.

CHARLIE
I know, I’m an awful person. I
know. I’m sorry.

LIZ collapses onto a recliner, exasperated. CHARLIE looks at
her.

THOMAS takes a step toward CHARLIE.

LIZ glares at THOMAS. THOMAS backs away, gathers his things,
then heads toward the door. He stops, turns to CHARLIE.

THOMAS
I still don’t understand why you
wanted me to read that essay to
you.

CHARLIE
It’s a really good essay.

THOMAS
I actually thought it was pretty
bad.

CHARLIE
It got a bad grade. But it’s a
really, really good essay.

LIZ stands, moving toward THOMAS. THOMAS hurries outside,
LIZ shuts the door behind him. LIZ looks at CHARLIE.

Pause. They stare at one another.
12.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I think--I need to call Ellie.

LIZ
Ellie?
(pause)
Why?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Maybe just--. Say goodbye?

Pause.

LIZ
What, so you’re like--giving up?

CHARLIE
What else am I supposed to do?

LIZ
Go to the hospital!

CHARLIE
Okay, I could go to the hospital.
Rack up several hundred thousand
dollars of hospital bills, and then
last--what? A year? Maybe?

LIZ
Nice positive thinking, Charlie.
This affects me too, you know?
You’re my friend.

CHARLIE
I know. I’m sorry.

LIZ
You say you’re sorry one more time
I’m gonna shove a knife right into
you, I swear to God--

CHARLIE
Go ahead, what’s it gonna do? My
internal organs are two feet in at
least.

LIZ smiles despite herself. CHARLIE laughs, the laughter
causing some pain in his chest.

LIZ
Fuck you.
13.


Pause. LIZ relents, goes to the couch. She finds the
television remote, turns on the television. She sits next to
CHARLIE, putting her head on his shoulder. She flips through
the channels absent-mindedly.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’ve been telling you this would
happen.

CHARLIE
I know.

LIZ
Haven’t I been telling--?

CHARLIE
You have.

LIZ continues to flip through channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Liz.

Silence apart from the television. LIZ continues to flip
through channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Liz.

More silence. LIZ flips a few more channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Please.

LIZ flips a few more channels, then stops. She gets up, goes
to the kitchen. She opens up a shopping bag, takes out a
large bucket of gas station fried chicken. She brings the
bucket to CHARLIE and gives it to him without looking him in
the eye.

She sits back down, continues to flip channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Thank you.

She flips another channel, lands on an episode of Judge Judy
(or something). CHARLIE starts to eat the chicken.

LIZ
I’ve seen this one, it’s good.

CHARLIE continues to eat the chicken, LIZ watches television.
14.
Genres: []

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight man, experiences chest pain and struggles to reach his phone. Thomas enters and offers to call an ambulance, but Charlie insists on Thomas reading an essay instead. As Thomas reads, Charlie's pain begins to subside. Charlie calls his friend and explains that he wanted to hear the essay in case it was his last moments.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Emotionally engaging dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited development of secondary characters
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and raises stakes with the introduction of Charlie's chest pain. The dialogue and interactions between characters are well-written and emotionally engaging. The scene leaves the audience wanting to know what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character experiencing a potential health emergency and choosing to listen to an essay instead of seeking medical help is unique and thought-provoking. It raises questions about the character's priorities and mindset.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Charlie's chest pain, his refusal to go to the hospital, and his request for Thomas to read an essay. The conflict and tension are heightened as Liz encourages Charlie to seek medical help. The scene progresses the story by revealing Charlie's deteriorating health and his refusal to confront the reality of his condition.

Originality: 7

The scene depicts a familiar situation of a character facing health issues and struggling with the decision to seek medical treatment due to financial constraints. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue, as well as the emotional depth portrayed, contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie, Liz, and Thomas are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally impactful. Charlie's stubbornness, Liz's frustration, and Thomas' discomfort are all portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 7

While there isn't significant character growth or change in the scene, Charlie's refusal to confront his health issues and Liz's frustration are consistent with their established traits.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his deteriorating health and make a decision about seeking medical treatment. This reflects his deeper fear of dying and his desire to find a solution that aligns with his situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to decide whether to go to the hospital or not. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, balancing the cost of medical treatment with his deteriorating health.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene arises from Charlie's refusal to go to the hospital despite experiencing chest pain. Liz's frustration and Thomas' discomfort add to the tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, as the protagonist's internal struggle and Liz's conflicting perspective on seeking medical treatment present obstacles and challenges that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Charlie's life is at risk due to his worsening health condition. The tension is heightened by Liz's urgent advice to go to the hospital.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the seriousness of Charlie's health condition and his refusal to seek help. It sets up potential conflicts and developments for future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable to some extent because it is unclear whether the protagonist will ultimately decide to go to the hospital or not. The conflict between his fear of debt and his deteriorating health adds an element of uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident between Charlie and Liz's perspectives on seeking medical treatment. Liz believes that being in debt is better than being dead, while Charlie is worried about the astronomical medical bills and the possibility of not living much longer even with treatment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene elicits emotions such as tension, worry, and sadness due to the seriousness of Charlie's condition and the characters' responses to it.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. Charlie's apologies and Liz's outbursts add depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling conflict between the characters, captures their emotions and struggles realistically, and keeps the reader or viewer invested in the outcome of the protagonist's decision.

Pacing: 8

The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by allowing the dialogue and character interactions to unfold naturally, giving the reader or viewer time to absorb and process the emotional depth of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows a typical format for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay, presenting the characters' actions and dialogue in a clear and coherent manner.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. It effectively conveys the tension and strained relationship between Charlie and Liz. Here are some specific critiquing points:

1. Formatting: The scene is formatted correctly, following industry standards for screenplays.

2. Description: The physical actions and emotions of the characters are described well, allowing the reader to envision the scene clearly.

3. Dialogue: The dialogue feels natural and realistic, capturing the frustration and desperation of the characters. However, there is room for improvement in the dialogue tags. Instead of using "sh." to indicate Liz's interruption, it would be clearer to use "LIZ (interrupting)" or "LIZ (hushed)". This would help the reader understand the pacing and delivery of the dialogue.

4. Characterization: The characters of Charlie and Liz are well-drawn, with distinct personalities and conflicting attitudes towards Charlie's health. Liz's frustration and concern for Charlie come across strongly, while Charlie's mix of denial and resignation create a complex character. However, more could be done to develop Thomas, who is a bit overshadowed by the dynamic between Liz and Charlie.

5. Pacing: The scene maintains a good pace, moving back and forth between dialogue and actions. The tension builds gradually as the characters reveal more about their feelings and fears.

6. Visuals: The visuals are effective, particularly the image of Charlie wiping sweat from his face and the sound of his wheezing down the hallway. These details add depth and realism to the scene.

Overall, the scene effectively captures the emotional stakes and conflict between the characters. With some minor adjustments to dialogue tags and further development of Thomas's character, it would be a strong scene in a screenplay.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters. However, there are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more physical actions: While the dialogue is a crucial part of this scene, incorporating more physical actions can enhance the visual aspect of the scene and make it more dynamic. Consider adding more gestures, movements, or reactions from the characters to better illustrate their emotions and create a more engaging visual experience for the reader.

2. Use stronger and more specific language: The dialogue could benefit from using stronger and more specific language to heighten the emotional impact of the scene. For example, instead of "I'm sorry," Charlie could say something more poignant like "I feel like I'm drowning," or "I'm scared of dying." Liz's dialogue could also be more direct and forceful, expressing the urgency and concern she has for Charlie's condition.

3. Create more subtext: While the conflict between Charlie and Liz is clear in this scene, adding more subtext to their dialogue and actions can deepen their relationship and make the scene more nuanced. Consider adding subtle hints or moments that reveal their deeper connection or hidden emotions. This could help the audience better understand their dynamic and potentially add complexity to their relationship.

4. Show the characters' thoughts and feelings: In addition to their dialogue, it would be beneficial to include brief moments of internal thoughts or feelings from the characters to give the audience insight into their state of mind. This can help the scene feel more personal and allow the audience to empathize with the characters on a deeper level.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene could benefit from some adjustments in pacing to create more tension and build-up. This could be achieved by spacing out the dialogue and actions more effectively, allowing for moments of silence or pauses that add to the emotional weight of the scene.

By implementing these suggestions, the scene can be further developed to create a stronger impact and enhance the overall narrative of the story.



Scene 4 - The Lonely Night
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATE THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE, alone, in front of the television which plays a late-
night program. The chicken bucket is full of bones that have
been licked clean, he is eating the last piece.

He finishes the piece, throws the bone in the bucket with the
others and puts the bucket on the ground. The effort of
bending over causes pain in his chest.

CHARLIE
(softly, to himself)
In the first part of his book, the
author, calling himself Ishmael, is
in a small sea-side town and he is
sharing a bed with a man named
Queequeg.

The pain subsides. CHARLIE takes a couple of deep breaths.
He lifts his shirt up, barely managing to pull it off of his
body.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
The author and Queequeg go to
church and later set out on a ship
captained by the pirate named Ahab
who is missing a leg, and very much
wants to kill the whale, which is
named Moby Dick, and which is
white.

CHARLIE bends over, reaching under the coffee table. He
barely reaches a half-full bucket of water with a sponge
floating in it. He puts the bucket in his lap, squeezes the
water out of the sponge, and starts to clean himself, taking
special care to clean in between the flaps of flesh.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
In the course of the book, the
pirate Ahab encounters many
hardships. His entire life is set
around trying to kill a certain
whale. I think this is sad because
the whale doesn’t have any
emotions, and doesn’t know how bad
Ahab wants to kill him.

CHARLIE wets the sponge, then sticks his hand into his pants,
cleaning his crotch and in between his legs.
15.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
He’s just a poor big animal. And I
feel bad for Ahab as well, because
he thinks that his life will be
better if he can kill this whale,
but in reality it won’t help him at
all.

CHARLIE reaches behind the couch, taking out a broom handle
with a towel tied to the end of it. He wets the towel in the
bucket, leans forward on the couch, and then reaches the
towel around to his back. The effort of lifting his arms
causes pain in his chest. He squints.


INT. - HALLWAY - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE moves down the hallway on his walker, breathing
heavily. He goes to the end of the hallway, opens a door and
barely manages to fit through the doorway.


INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

A soiled, uncovered king-sized mattress lies in the middle of
the floor, surrounded by empty food containers and empty and
half-full two liter soda bottles. Bracing himself on the
walker, CHARLIE manages to slowly lower himself down onto the
mattress. His knees and chest ache as he descends. He
buries his head in his chest, struggling to breathe.

Finally, he is able to lay flat on the mattress. He stares
up to the ceiling, wheezing, taking a few deep breaths.

He reaches for a bottle of soda. He opens it, takes a long
drink, then continues to stare up at the ceiling.

CHARLIE
And I feel bad for Ahab as well,
because he thinks that his life
will be better if he can kill this
whale, but in reality it won’t help
him at all.

CHARLIE puts the soda bottle on the floor, leaving the cap
off. He closes his eyes, listening to the sound of his heart
beating, struggling to pump blood throughout his body.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
This book made me think about my
own life. This book made me think
about my own life. This book made
me--
16.


EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

Shots of rolling hills of the Palouse, wind rushing over
them. As the images continue, the wind begins to vaguely
sound like the sound of waves lapping against the shore.


TITLE: TUESDAY


INT. - HALLWAY - MORNING

CHARLIE is making his way down the hallway toward the
bathroom. It takes a large amount of effort for him to move,
he puts all of his weight onto his walker as he slowly moves
forward.

CHARLIE hears a soft cooing, he looks at an open window. A
bird is perched on the sill. He looks at it for a moment,
expressionless.

CHARLIE looks away from the window, then goes toward the
bathroom. He finally makes his way to the bathroom door,
opening it.


INT. - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A series of shots of CHARLIE getting ready for the day.
Using mouthwash, struggling to take his shirt off, wiping
down his body with a wet cloth, brushing his teeth, applying
deodorant all over his torso as best as he can, a meager
attempt at smoothing over his hair.


INT. - KITCHEN - MORNING

CHARLIE opens up a kitchen drawer, there are several loaves
of sliced bread inside. He grabs one of them.

As he removes the loaf of bread, he sees an old stash of
candy bars hidden in the back of the drawer. He takes a few
of the candy bars, having forgotten he put them there. He
opens one, examining the label. It’s obviously a few years
old.

He puts the candy bar back into the drawer.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE, breathing heavily, stands at the counter tearing off
tiny pieces of bread and putting them on a small plate.
17.


As he puts the pieces of bread onto the plate, his eyes
continually drift to the drawer with the candy bar stash.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE opens the drawer with the candy stash, grabbing a
candy bar. He opens the wrapping, eats half of it with two
quick, large bites. He then wraps up the remaining half, and
begins to put it back in the drawer.

He re-opens the drawer, is about to place the half-eaten
candy bar inside, then stops. He looks at the candy bar for
a moment.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE stares at the kitchen counter where at least half a
dozen candy bar wrappers sit in a pile. He stares at them
for a moment.

Scooping up all the wrappers with his hand, he opens the
cabinet under the sink and shoves them to the bottom of the
trash can, hiding them. He shuts the cabinet, then grabs the
plate of bread crumbs.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE places the plates of bread crumbs on the window sill.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight and isolated man, experiences chest pain and struggles to take care of himself in his squalid apartment. He asks a young man named Thomas to read an essay on 'Moby Dick' to distract him from his pain. Charlie reflects on the book and draws parallels to his own life. The scene ends with Charlie feeling the weight of his choices and indulging in unhealthy habits.
Strengths "Strong atmosphere and emotion, intriguing protagonist, exploration of themes"
Weaknesses "Limited dialogue and interaction with other characters"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates a somber and lonely atmosphere, and the character of Charlie is intriguing and carries the emotion of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a severely overweight and isolated man facing health issues and reflecting on his choices is unique and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Charlie's struggle with chest pain and his interaction with Thomas. It moves the story forward in terms of exploring Charlie's character and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 7

While the overall situation of an elderly protagonist reflecting on life and contemplating a book is not entirely unique, the specific details and emotions portrayed in this scene add authenticity. The authentic actions and dialogue of the character, such as his struggle to perform daily tasks and his musings on the book 'Moby Dick', contribute to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Charlie is a complex and compelling character, dealing with physical and emotional pain. Thomas serves as a contrast and provides support for Charlie.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie's character undergoes some emotional changes as he reflects on his choices and feels the weight of his unhealthy habits.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find comfort and escape from his physical and emotional pain. This reflects his deeper needs for companionship, purpose, and a sense of meaning in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to perform daily tasks and take care of himself, despite his physical limitations. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing due to his age and health condition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is mainly internal, as Charlie battles with his health issues, regrets, and unhealthy habits.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the protagonist facing physical pain and limitations, as well as internal conflicts regarding his beliefs and desires. The audience is invested in how he will navigate and overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are mainly internal, as Charlie's health and emotional well-being are at risk.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Charlie's character and sets up potential conflicts and challenges for him in the future.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene has a moderate level of unpredictability, as the audience is unsure how the protagonist's internal and external conflicts will unfold and how he will cope with his pain and loneliness.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's perspective on life and his contemplation of the book 'Moby Dick'. The conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the pursuit of purpose and the search for meaning, as he considers the futility of Ahab's obsession with killing the whale.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong sense of loneliness, regret, and despair through Charlie's actions and reflections.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue mainly consists of Charlie's reflections on the book and his own life. It effectively conveys his emotions, but lacks variation and interaction with other characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it portrays the vulnerability and struggles of the protagonist, inviting the audience to empathize with his physical pain, emotional turmoil, and search for meaning in life.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene effectively conveys the slow, deliberate movements of the protagonist, creating a sense of his physical limitations and emotional weight. It contributes to the overall atmosphere and mood of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear stage directions, dialogue, and scene transitions that effectively convey the protagonist's actions and emotions.


Critique Overall, this scene is quite descriptive and provides a clear visual image of the actions taking place. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon:

1. The dialogue: The dialogue feels a bit repetitive, with Charlie repeating the same thoughts about Ahab and the whale. Consider condensing these lines to make them more concise and impactful.

2. Action description: While the action is well-written, there are moments where it becomes overly detailed, such as in the scene where Charlie cleans himself. Some of these actions could be condensed or removed altogether to maintain a better pace.

3. Clarity: The transition from Charlie cleaning himself to him walking down the hallway is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a smoother transition or a bridge between these scenes to provide clearer context.

4. Emotion: While the scene effectively shows Charlie's physical ailments and struggles, it could benefit from more emotional depth. Consider exploring Charlie's emotional state and inner thoughts to help the audience better connect with his character.

By addressing these areas, the scene can become more concise, impactful, and emotionally resonant.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify Charlie's physical condition: It would be beneficial to indicate Charlie's physical condition earlier in the scene, so the audience understands why he experiences pain when performing simple tasks. This could be done through visuals or a brief mention of his health condition.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Charlie narrate the story of Moby Dick, consider showing his interest in the book in a more visually engaging way. For example, he could have a copy of the book on the coffee table, or he could be seen flipping through the pages while watching television.

3. Find a better transition between scenes: The transition from Charlie cleaning himself to him moving down the hallway feels abrupt. You could add a brief bridge scene or a smoother transition to create a better flow between these moments.

4. Add more dialogue or interaction: Charlie's internal monologue is important, but it would benefit from more dialogue or interaction with other characters. Consider adding a conversation with a caregiver or a phone call from a loved one to add depth to Charlie's character and provide opportunities for more emotional moments.

5. Show Charlie's daily routine: In the last part of the scene, where Charlie prepares for the day, consider showing more details of his daily routine. This could include him taking medication, putting on clothes, or struggling with certain tasks, providing a better understanding of his daily struggles.

6. Enhance the visual storytelling: Throughout the scene, look for opportunities to enhance the visual storytelling. This could be done through interesting camera angles, unique shot compositions, or visual symbolism that reflects Charlie's emotions or struggles.

Remember, these suggestions are just ideas to consider. Ultimately, the best improvements come from applying your own unique perspective and creativity as a screenwriter.



Scene 5 - Health Scare
INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE, covered with sweat from the move to the living room,
collapses on his couch with his walker. He takes his
computer, opens it.

He types “congestive heart failure” into Google.

He scans the Wikipedia article. His heart rate begins to
increase.

He goes back, does another search: “congestive heart failure
obesity”.

He scans through a few results. Sweat builds on his
forehead, his pulse quickens.

He goes back, does another search: “congestive heart failure
obesity prognosis”.
18.


As his heart rate spikes, he has a sudden pain in his chest.
He grabs his chest, breathing heavily, wheezing. He shuts
the computer, slowly calming himself down.

He thinks for a moment, then looks at his cell phone.

The sound of flapping wings. CHARLIE looks to the window,
the bird is back, tentatively eating the bread off the plate.
CHARLIE looks at it, smiling slightly.
Genres: []

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight man, experiences chest pain and searches for information on congestive heart failure. He becomes increasingly anxious and in pain, but eventually calms down.
Strengths "Effective tension and anxiety-building, relatable concept of health scare"
Weaknesses "Lack of character and emotional depth, limited conflict and dialogue impact"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively creates a sense of tension and anxiety as Charlie experiences chest pain and searches for information on his health condition. However, it could have been improved with more character development and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 6

The concept of exploring a character's health scare and their search for information is interesting and relatable. However, it could have been further developed to provide deeper insights into Charlie's character and motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot effectively presents a moment of crisis for Charlie and his subsequent actions. However, it could have been strengthened by incorporating more meaningful interactions and conflicts between characters.

Originality: 4

The scene does not present any unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. However, the authenticity of the protagonist's actions and dialogue enhances the believability of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

While Charlie is a well-defined character with his health issues and anxiety, Thomas lacks depth and feels somewhat underdeveloped.

Character Changes: 6

Charlie experiences a moment of fear and vulnerability due to his health scare, but there is limited exploration of his character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information about congestive heart failure and obesity. This reflects their deeper fear and desire to understand their own health condition.

External Goal: 5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined. The immediate circumstances or challenges they are facing are not explicitly stated.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between Charlie's health scare and his search for information, but it could have been elevated with additional external conflicts or internal dilemmas.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene relates to the protagonist's health condition and their search for information, which becomes a source of uncertainty and anxiety. The audience is unsure of the outcome of their searches and the severity of their symptoms.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high as Charlie experiences chest pain and seeks information on his health condition, but they could have been elevated with additional risks or consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important information about Charlie's health condition and his coping mechanisms, but it could have furthered the overall story arc by incorporating more significant plot developments or character interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the protagonist's health condition and their search results. The sudden chest pain adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene effectively generates a sense of tension and concern for Charlie's well-being, but it could have evoked stronger emotions with more nuanced character interactions and development.

Dialogue: 5

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying the necessary information and emotions, but it lacks memorable or impactful lines.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it portrays the protagonist's emotional and physical struggle as they search for information about their health condition. The use of sweat, increased heart rate, and sudden chest pain create tension and evoke empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene effectively conveys the protagonist's increasing anxiety and physical distress through the progression of their actions and the use of short, impactful sentences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre. The elements are properly indented, with clear scene headings and character names.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by the protagonist's actions and dialogue.


Critique Overall, this scene effectively captures the escalating fear and anxiety of the character, Charlie, as he searches for information about his health. The use of physical actions such as sweating, increasing heart rate, and grabbing his chest helps convey his emotional and physical distress.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved to make the scene more impactful:

1. Dialogue: The scene lacks any dialogue, which could be used to reveal Charlie's internal thoughts or add depth to his emotions. Consider incorporating some brief lines of dialogue or inner monologue to enhance the audience's understanding of his thoughts and fears.

2. Visual descriptions: While the physical actions of Charlie effectively convey his anxiety, there could be a stronger emphasis on specific visual details to better immerse the audience in the scene. Describe the sweat trickling down Charlie's face, the intensity in his eyes, or the visible trembling of his hands to create a more vivid depiction of his distress.

3. Transition: The sudden switch from Charlie's distress to his interaction with the bird feels slightly abrupt. Consider adding a transitional moment or a clearer connection between these two actions to bridge the gap more smoothly. This could be achieved through a visual or auditory cue that leads Charlie's attention from his computer to the bird, or by incorporating a moment of reflection where Charlie contemplates the bird's presence in relation to his health concerns.

4. Symbolism: The bird's presence seems to hold some significance, as Charlie observes it with a slight smile. However, the significance could be further developed to create a stronger thematic connection or contrast with his health-related anxieties. Consider exploring the symbolic nature of the bird or providing a hint of its relevance to Charlie's emotional journey.

Overall, the scene effectively captures Charlie's increasing fear and distress, but it could be enhanced by incorporating dialogue, refining visual descriptions, improving the transition, and deepening the symbolism.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the given scene:

1. Provide more context: Include a brief description or dialogue to establish why Charlie is searching for information on congestive heart failure and obesity. This will help engage the audience and make them understand the importance of this scene.

2. Show physical exhaustion: Instead of just mentioning that Charlie is covered in sweat, describe his physical state in more detail. Show him visibly exhausted, breathing heavily, and struggling to move as he collapses on the couch. This will help create a stronger visual impact and convey the physical toll of the move.

3. Use dialogue sparingly: Consider adding a few lines of dialogue to show Charlie's thoughts or emotions rather than relying solely on his actions. For example, he could mutter to himself, expressing his concern or fear while searching for information.

4. Utilize visual cues: Explore different visual cues to emphasize Charlie's increasing distress. Instead of explicitly stating that his heart rate is increasing, show it by using close-ups of his sweating forehead, a shot of his trembling hand on the mouse, or a close-up of his racing pulse on a medical device. These visuals will make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

5. Clarify the cause of pain: Replace the general mention of "sudden pain in his chest" with a more specific description to imply that this is directly related to Charlie's medical condition. Use phrases like "sharp stabbing pain in his heart" or "tightness in his chest" to better convey the seriousness and urgency of the situation.

6. Consider character development: Use Charlie's reaction to the pain as an opportunity to show his resilience or vulnerability. Does he panic and call for help? Or does he try to calm himself down and find a solution on his own? This will help the audience connect with Charlie on a deeper emotional level.

7. Connect the subplot: Find a way to connect the subplot with the bird eating bread outside his window. Is there a symbolic meaning behind it? Does it represent Charlie's desire for freedom or a sign of hope amidst his health concerns? Linking this image to Charlie's emotional journey will add depth and symbolism to the scene.

Remember, these are just suggestions, and the final decision should align with the overall tone and theme of the film. Good luck with your screenplay!



Scene 6 - A Fractured Reunion
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON

ELLIE, 17, holding a backpack, stands in the open doorway
looking at CHARLIE, who sits on the couch.

A silence between them.

ELLIE
Does this mean I’m gonna get fat?

CHARLIE
No, it doesn’t. I was always big,
but I just--let it get out of
control.

ELLIE shuts the door, moving inside a bit. She scans the
room, not looking at CHARLIE.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Was your mom okay with you coming
here?

ELLIE
I didn’t tell her, she would’ve
freaked out. Why don’t you just go
to the hospital?

CHARLIE
It’s not worth it.

CHARLIE shifts a little on the couch, the movement causing
some pain in his chest. He takes a breath in. ELLIE watches
him.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s really good to see you, you
look--beautiful. How’s school?
You’re a senior, right?

ELLIE looks at him.

ELLIE
Since when did you care?
19.


CHARLIE
I pester your mom for information
as often as she’ll give it to me.
(pause)
So why aren’t...? Don’t you have
school?

ELLIE
Got suspended this morning.

CHARLIE
Oh. Why?

ELLIE
I sent a text to my stupid bitch
lab partner that the vice-principal
said was “vaguely threatening”.

ELLIE moves inside a little more, eyeing the room. She keeps
her distance from CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
You don’t like school?

ELLIE
Only retards like high school.

CHARLIE
But--you’re gonna pass, right?

ELLIE
Failing most of my classes,
counselor says I might not
graduate. I’m a smart person, I
never forget anything, but high
school is such bullshit. Busywork.

CHARLIE
It’s important.

ELLIE glares at him. Pause.

ELLIE
So, listen, if you called me
because you need help going to the
bathroom or something--

CHARLIE
No, that’s not why I...

ELLIE wanders into the kitchen. She looks around, opens
drawers. One drawer is packed almost entirely with cereal
bars, another is packed almost entirely full of canned pasta.
20.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I didn’t call you over to do
anything disgusting, I just--

ELLIE
Just being around you is
disgusting. You smell disgusting.
Your apartment is disgusting. You
look disgusting. The last time I
saw you, you were disgusting.

CHARLIE
There’s no way you could remember
that, you were four years old.

ELLIE comes out of the kitchen, faces CHARLIE.

ELLIE
I’m a smart person, I never forget
anything. In the living room, with
that old red couch and the TV with
the wood frame. Mom was screaming
at you and you were just
apologizing over and over. I
remember that. Can I have one of
those donuts?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Yeah, sure.

ELLIE goes back to the kitchen, opens a drawer. She takes
out a box of donuts, opens it up and takes one out. She
comes out of the kitchen, nibbling on the donut.

CHARLIE looks at her, thinking. Pause.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’d like for us to spend some time
together this week.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
Maybe we could get to know one
another a little bit--

ELLIE
I already know you, and I don’t
want to get to know you any better.
21.


CHARLIE
C’mon, we don’t even--

ELLIE
I know that you left me and my mom
so you could be gay. And now I know
that since then you’ve become--
this.

ELLIE indicates CHARLIE’s body.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Why the fuck would I want to get to
know you any better?

Pause. ELLIE looks at him for a moment, then heads toward
the door.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I don’t even know why I’m here.

ELLIE opens the door, about to leave.

CHARLIE
I have money, Ellie.

ELLIE stops, looking at him.

ELLIE
You were serious about that?

CHARLIE
Yes. And I can help you with your
work. It’s what I do for my job.

ELLIE
What?

CHARLIE grabs his laptop, opens it up. His web browser is
open to an online university message board for one of his
courses. He shows it to ELLIE.

ELLIE glances at the screen.

CHARLIE
I can help you pass your classes.

ELLIE
You teach online?

CHARLIE
Yeah.
22.


ELLIE
Your students know what you look
like?

CHARLIE closes the laptop.

CHARLIE
I don’t use a camera. Just a
microphone.

ELLIE
That’s probably a good idea.

ELLIE considers for a moment, then opens up her backpack,
takes a few steps toward CHARLIE. She rummages around in her
backpack, looking for something.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
If I show a lot of improvement in
one subject, my counselor says I
might be able to pass. You can
rewrite these essays for English,
and they have to be really good.

ELLIE takes couple essays out of her backpack, hands them to
CHARLIE. CHARLIE takes them, looks at them.

CHARLIE
I don’t know if I should write them
for you, I can work with you on--

ELLIE
How much can you pay me?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Everything I have, all the money I
have in the bank.

ELLIE stares at him. Pause. CHARLIE relents.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
A hundred and twenty thousand.

Pause. ELLIE looks at him, doubtful.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I never go out, all I pay for is
food, internet, rent... And I work
all the time.
23.


ELLIE
And you’d give that all to me? Not
to my mom, to me?

CHARLIE
Yes, just--. Don’t tell your mom,
okay?
(pause)
And maybe you could do some
writing. For me.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
You’re a smart person. I bet
you’re a strong writer. Plus I’m a
teacher, I want to make sure you’re
getting something out of this.

Pause.

ELLIE
Fuck this, I don’t believe you.

ELLIE heads toward the door, about to leave. She stops,
turns back to CHARLIE.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Stand up and walk over to me.

CHARLIE
What?

ELLIE
Come over here. Walk toward me.

CHARLIE pauses, then reaches for his walker.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Without that thing. Just stand up
and come over here.

CHARLIE
Ellie, I can’t really--

ELLIE
Shut up. Come over here.

Pause. CHARLIE looks around, trying to find something to
brace himself on. Finally, he puts one hand on the arm of
the couch. He struggles to roll forward so he can put his
weight onto his legs. ELLIE watches him silently.
24.


The effort of bending forward produces chest pain, but he
doesn’t stop. He is almost able to get on his feet, but a
surge of pain brings him back to the couch.

He looks at ELLIE. She stares back at him, motionless.

He grabs the edge of an end table, bracing himself. He puts
all his effort into it, and manages to rise a few inches off
the couch. He keeps his eyes locked on ELLIE.

Just as it looks like he might be able to stand, the end
table gives way, two of the legs cracking in half. It takes
a lamp with it, along with a stack of papers and a half-empty
two-liter soda.

CHARLIE falls back onto the couch, the impact causing him a
lot of pain. He rolls back, dizzy with pain and lack of
oxygen.

He breathes for a moment, managing to calm himself down. He
opens his eyes, then looks back at ELLIE.

ELLIE stares back at him, unmoved.
Genres: ["Family Drama"]

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight man, tries to reconnect with his estranged daughter Ellie, but their conversation quickly turns confrontational. As Ellie reveals her resentment towards him for leaving, Charlie offers her money to help her with school. In a desperate attempt to prove himself, Charlie tries to stand up from the couch without assistance, but fails. Despite the failure, he still hopes to rebuild their relationship.
Strengths
  • A strong exploration of parent-child relationship dynamics
  • Authentic dialogue and character development
  • Emotionally charged moments
  • Tension between characters
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable plot developments
  • Potential for more depth in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension and emotion, and it has strong character development. However, there may be room for improvement in terms of pacing and dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of estranged family members trying to reconnect and reconcile is both relatable and emotionally charged. The scene effectively portrays the challenges and conflicts within the relationship.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Charlie's attempt to reconnect with his daughter and his offer to help her with school. The failed attempt to stand up serves as a turning point in the scene, highlighting Charlie's physical limitations. The plot development is engaging and sets up further conflicts and emotions for the story.

Originality: 7

This scene offers a fresh approach to the familiar theme of family dynamics and strained relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively develops the characters of Charlie and Ellie, highlighting their strained relationship and unresolved emotions. Their dialogue and actions reveal their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The scene shows some potential for character change, particularly for Charlie as he tries to rebuild his relationship with Ellie. Ellie also displays some curiosity and maybe a slight openness to reconnecting.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express her resentment and anger towards her father and assert her independence.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a way to improve her grades and graduate from high school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, mostly stemming from the strained relationship between Charlie and Ellie. The failed attempt to stand up adds physical and emotional conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and her father have conflicting goals and engage in confrontational dialogue. The audience is unsure of how the interaction will unfold.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene involve the potential for reconciliation or further estrangement between Charlie and Ellie. Additionally, the physical health and limitations of Charlie add a layer of urgency and concern.

Story Forward: 8

The scene pushes the story forward by establishing and developing the strained relationship between Charlie and Ellie. It also sets up potential conflicts and further developments in their interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected moments of emotional confrontation and reveals new information about the characters' past and present dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene regarding the protagonist's view of high school and education as 'bullshit' and her father's view that it is important.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, particularly in exploring the regrets and longing of the characters. It tugs at the heartstrings and creates empathy for their struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is authentic and reflects the tension and resentment between Charlie and Ellie. However, there may be room for further depth and emotional impact in the dialogue.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of emotional tension through the sharp and confrontational dialogue. The audience is drawn into the conflict between the characters and their complex relationship.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and creating pauses for emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, starting with an establishing shot and focusing on dialogue and character interactions.


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the tension and conflict between Ellie and Charlie. The dialogue is well-written and gives insight into their relationship and history. The scene does a good job of showing the different emotions and attitudes of the characters.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. Firstly, some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose, particularly when Charlie explains his weight gain. It might be more effective to show his struggle rather than tell it explicitly. Additionally, some of the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful.

In terms of the action and description, there is a good balance between dialogue and physical movements. The use of pauses and silence helps to build tension and convey unspoken emotions. However, there are a few moments where the action is unclear or could be made more visual to enhance the scene.

In conclusion, this scene effectively captures the conflict and emotion between Ellie and Charlie. With some tweaks to the dialogue and action, it could be even more powerful and engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description of the characters' actions and emotions. This will help create a visual image for the reader and provide more depth to the characters. For example, instead of just saying "ELLIE shuts the door, moving inside a bit," you could add "ELLIE shuts the door, moving inside a bit, her body tense and guarded."

2. Consider adding more physical movement to the scene to enhance the visual aspect. For example, instead of just having ELLIE stand and watch CHARLIE, you could have her pace around the room, fidget with something, or lean against a wall. This will give the scene more energy and add to the tension between the characters.

3. Make the dialogue more concise and natural. Some of the conversations between ELLIE and CHARLIE feel a bit too long and repetitive. Try to condense the dialogue, removing any unnecessary lines and focusing on the key points the characters are trying to convey. Additionally, make the dialogue sound more conversational by removing any unnatural or overly formal language.

4. Add more subtext and underlying emotions. One way to do this is to have the characters speak to each other with more subtext, saying one thing but meaning something else. This will create a sense of tension and conflict beneath the surface of the scene. For example, instead of ELLIE saying "Just being around you is disgusting," she could say something like "I don't understand why I bothered coming here."

5. Consider adding more sensory details to the scene. This will help immerse the reader in the environment and engage their senses. For example, describe the sounds of the room, the smell of the apartment, or the taste of the donut that ELLIE eats. This will add depth and richness to the scene.

Overall, focus on creating clear, concise, and visually engaging moments between the characters to enhance the impact of the scene.



Scene 7 - Delivery Boy Interlude
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

CHARLIE is sitting on the couch on his laptop, looking at
ELLIE’s Facebook page, scrolling through pictures. Most of
the pictures are of ELLIE alone, brooding.

He looks at her friend list, sees that she has a total of 17
friends.

A knock at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Gambino’s.

CHARLIE shuts the laptop.

CHARLIE
Yeah, you can--. I put a twenty in
the mail box?

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Sure.

CHARLIE
You can just leave it at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Yeah, I--. I remember.
25.


Pause. CHARLIE looks at the door, not hearing anything.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Everything okay in there?

CHARLIE
Yeah.

Pause.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
You sure?

CHARLIE
Yeah, I’m fine.
(pause)
Thank you.

Pause. CHARLIE listens, finally we hear the sound of the
mailbox opening and shutting, the DELIVERY BOY walking down
the steps and leaving. CHARLIE waits for a moment, then
moves toward the door.


INT. - FRONT DOORWAY - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE opens up the door, there is a large box sitting on
the floor in front of his door. The sound of a car door
shutting, a car driving off is heard in the parking lot.

CHARLIE looks down to the parking lot, sees the DELIVERY BOY
driving away. He watches the car leave the parking lot and
disappear down the street.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Charlie receives a delivery from Gambino's and interacts with the delivery boy. He seems anxious and guilty about something related to his daughter, Ellie. After the delivery is made, Charlie watches the delivery boy leave and feels a sense of loneliness and regret.
Strengths "Strong portrayal of Charlie's emotions and inner turmoil\nEffective use of silence and visual cues to enhance the atmosphere\nEstablishes the themes of regret and loneliness"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be more nuanced\nLacks significant plot development"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Charlie's emotional state and explores the theme of regret and loneliness. The pacing and tension build up well, creating a poignant moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of depicting Charlie's inner turmoil and longing for connection is well-executed. It effectively adds depth to his character and establishes his motivation for future actions.

Plot: 7

The plot advances slightly as Charlie receives a delivery and has a brief interaction with the delivery boy. While there is no major development, the scene sets up Charlie's emotional state and his relationship with his daughter.

Originality: 4

This scene does not include unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic but not particularly original.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Charlie's character is depicted effectively, showing his anxiety, guilt, and longing for connection. The delivery boy serves as a contrasting character, emphasizing Charlie's isolation and regrets.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant change in Charlie's character in this particular scene, his emotional state and regrets are further established.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out more about Ellie through her Facebook page. This goal reflects his deeper desire to understand her better and possibly alleviate his own loneliness.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive the delivery of food from Gambino's. It reflects the immediate circumstances of him ordering food and the challenge of waiting for it to arrive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The level of conflict in the scene is relatively low. It mainly revolves around Charlie's inner conflict and his strained relationship with his daughter.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is mild, with the delivery boy questioning if everything is okay. It creates a small obstacle for the protagonist but does not pose a significant challenge.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low. It mainly focuses on Charlie's internal struggles and his desire for connection.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides some insight into Charlie's character and sets up his motivation for future actions. It contributes to the overall development of the story.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know how the interaction with the delivery boy will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, mainly through the portrayal of Charlie's loneliness and regret. It creates a sense of empathy and sadness for the character.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is straightforward and serves its purpose in conveying the necessary information and establishing the characters' emotions. It could benefit from more depth and subtext.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it raises questions about the protagonist's relationship with Ellie and creates a sense of anticipation as he waits for the delivery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene, with short sentences and pauses, contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of anticipation and introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and properly formatted dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by a series of actions and dialogue, and ends with a resolution.


Critique Overall, this scene is adequately written, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the description of Charlie looking at Ellie's Facebook page and scrolling through pictures could be more specific and descriptive. Instead of simply stating that "most of the pictures are of Ellie alone, brooding," it would be more effective to provide specific details about the images that convey the mood and tone of the character. This would help to create a stronger visual image for the reader.

Secondly, the dialogue between Charlie and the delivery boy could benefit from more natural and realistic exchanges. The conversation feels a bit forced and repetitive, with Charlie repeatedly assuring the delivery boy that he is fine. Adding more depth to their interaction and perhaps giving the delivery boy a more distinct personality would make the scene more engaging.

Additionally, the transition from the living room to the front doorway could be smoother. Consider providing a more fluid transition or introducing a new paragraph to clearly indicate the change in setting.

Finally, the description of Charlie watching the delivery boy drive away could be enhanced by adding more sensory details. For example, describing the sound of the car engine or the sight of the dust kicked up by the car as it leaves would help to create a more immersive experience for the reader.

Overall, this scene has the potential to be more engaging and visually impactful with some revisions to the descriptions and dialogue.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Enhance visuals: Instead of simply stating that Charlie is looking at Ellie's Facebook page, show his reactions to the pictures. Describe his facial expressions, gestures, or any emotional response he may have while scrolling through the pictures. This will make the scene more visually engaging.

2. Show rather than tell: Instead of explicitly mentioning that Ellie's pictures are mostly of her alone and brooding, find a way to visually demonstrate this. You can add a line of dialogue where Charlie comments on a specific picture or expresses concern about her emotions based on what he sees.

3. Add tension: Increase the suspense by having Charlie hesitate before closing the laptop. Perhaps he stumbles upon something intriguing or unsettling on Ellie's Facebook page that makes him second-guess his decision to check it.

4. Improve dialogue: Make the conversation between Charlie and the delivery boy more dynamic by adding subtext or ambiguity. For example, the delivery boy could inquire about Charlie's well-being in a more suspicious or probing manner, causing Charlie to become more guarded in his responses.

5. Utilize sound cues: Incorporate sound cues to enhance the audio experience. Instead of simply stating that there is a knock at the door, describe the sound of the knock and how it affects Charlie's concentration. This adds an additional layer of tension to the scene.

6. Use visual cues: Show Charlie's hesitation as he listens intently for any movement outside the door. Perhaps he checks the peephole or looks out the window to see if anyone is lurking nearby. These visual cues help build suspense and heighten the audience's anticipation.

By implementing these suggestions, you can improve the overall effectiveness of the scene and make it more engaging for the reader and potential audience.



Scene 8 - A Desperate Reconnection
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING

CHARLIE sits on the couch. LIZ sits next to him, holding a
small machine with some electrodes attached to it. As
CHARLIE breathes in and out, we see that the electrodes are
attached to CHARLIE’s palm.

LIZ
Breathe slowly, relax.

LIZ watches the number on the machine. Silence. She
breathes in and out, CHARLIE does as well.

CHARLIE
What’s it supposed to--?

LIZ
It measures perspiration, it’s an
indicator of stress.
(MORE)
26.

LIZ (CONT'D)
It’s about establishing a
relationship between your brain and
your body. If you know how to make
yourself calm, then your blood
pressure’ll... Here.

LIZ shows him the number on the machine, which is going down
slowly.

CHARLIE
I don’t need a little machine to
tell me how to take a few deep
breaths and stop sweating.

LIZ
Yes. You did.

LIZ puts the machine in CHARLIE’s lap and goes to the
kitchen. She starts to unpack groceries: frozen fish sticks,
potato chips, sub sandwiches, frozen wings, ice cream,
instant ramen noodles, two-liter sodas, etc.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’m not saying it’s a solution, I’m
just saying it could help.

LIZ finds a very large, empty box of ice-cream sandwiches on
the counter. She exhales, holds the box up to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE looks at her, apologetic. LIZ throws the box in the
trash, looks away, continues to unpack groceries.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Look we’re just gonna try some
different methods or whatever, if
you refuse to go to the hospital
then you--

LIZ sees an essay on the counter. She sees the name on the
top of the page, recognizes it. She takes the essay and
leaves the kitchen, showing it to CHARLIE.

LIZ (CONT’D)
She wasn’t here, was she?

CHARLIE looks at LIZ, apologetic.

LIZ throws the essay in his lap, goes back to the kitchen,
angry.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry, I just wanted to see
her, I’m... I’m sorry.
(MORE)
27.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
(pause)
She’s--amazing.

Pause. LIZ continues to stock the kitchen.

LIZ
Well she’s not coming back, right?

CHARLIE doesn’t say anything. LIZ stops putting away
groceries, goes to him, glaring at him.

CHARLIE
It’ll be fine.

LIZ
Goddammit, Charlie--

CHARLIE
Look, Liz, I wasn’t planning on it,
but she just--. She’s--really
angry, you know.

LIZ
Which is why she shouldn’t be
coming over here, stressing you
out--

CHARLIE
She needs some help in school, so
I’m just going to help her with
some essays.

LIZ
You haven’t seen this girl since
she was four, and you wanna
reconnect with her by doing her
homework for her?

LIZ notices the number on the machine, which is going back
up.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie, calm down--

Frustrated, CHARLIE takes the electrodes off, puts the
machine on the couch next to him.

LIZ glares at him, then grabs the machine and takes it to a
chest of drawers, opening a drawer. Inside is an entire
universe of medical supplies: lotions, clean towels,
deodorants, over-the-counter medications, ointments, etc.
She tosses the machine inside the drawer and closes it.
28.


CHARLIE
I’m worried about her.

LIZ
Why?

CHARLIE opens up his laptop, still open to ELLIE’s Facebook
page. He scrolls through it a bit.

CHARLIE
I don’t think she has any friends,
I don’t think she’s...
(pause)
I’m worried she’s forgotten what an
amazing person she is.

LIZ
You haven’t seen her since she was
four, how would you know she--?
(seeing the computer)
Dammit Charlie, are you on her
fucking Facebook page again?

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, looking at the computer. CHARLIE
scrolls through her profile.

CHARLIE
I’m just trying to--

CHARLIE lands on a specific photo, stops. The photo is of
MARY, a woman in her mid-forties but who looks considerably
older. The photo is unflattering: she’s sitting on a couch
in dowdy clothes, scowling at the camera.

CHARLIE and LIZ look at the photo for a moment. LIZ looks at
CHARLIE, then shuts the laptop.

LIZ
She’s just a teenager, everyone’s
insane when they’re a teenager.
When I was that age, when my dad
would really piss me off?

LIZ goes back into the kitchen, putting the rest of the
groceries away.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’m just lucky I didn’t get
arrested, I’ll say that much.

CHARLIE doesn’t respond, opens the laptop a little, just so
much that he can barely look at the screen. The photo of
MARY comes back up. He looks at it. LIZ goes back to
unpacking groceries.
29.


LIZ (CONT’D)
Point is, bringing her over here is
a bad idea.

LIZ grabs a meatball sub, brings it to CHARLIE. CHARLIE
shuts the laptop.

CHARLIE
It’ll be fine--

LIZ
Charlie.

LIZ looks straight into his eyes.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You’ve got enough to deal with
right now, you hear me? Do not
bring her over here again.

CHARLIE looks at the meatball sub in LIZ’s hand. LIZ
continues to stare at him.

CHARLIE
Okay.

LIZ hands CHARLIE the meatball sub, then heads back into the
kitchen. CHARLIE unwraps the sub and begins eating it,
fairly quickly.

LIZ
It’s not like she’s alone, you
know. She has her mom.

CHARLIE takes a big bite of the sub, accidentally inhaling a
large chunk of meat. His windpipe is blocked.

LIZ has her back turned to him, washing her hands in the
kitchen sink.

LIZ (CONT’D)
If she comes over here she’s just
gonna stress you out, which you do
not need right now. And promise me
you will stop looking at her
Facebook page?

CHARLIE has begun to panic. He reaches into his mouth,
trying to pull out the piece of meat. It doesn’t work.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie?

LIZ finally turns around, sees CHARLIE. She goes to him.
30.


LIZ (CONT’D)
Are you choking? Oh God, are you
choking?!

LIZ, not knowing what to do, pushes CHARLIE forward. She
hits his back a couple of times, it doesn’t work.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Okay, okay--lean over the arm!

LIZ helps CHARLIE move so that the base of his stomach is
over the arm of the couch. She circles the couch, climbs on
top of him. Putting all her weight into it, she attempts to
give him the Heimlich Maneuver.

The first few attempts don’t work, but finally on the third
or fourth attempt CHARLIE spits the chunk of meatball out
onto the carpet.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Shit. Oh shit, Charlie.

CHARLIE leans back on the couch, in an immense amount of
pain. He takes a few deep breaths.

CHARLIE
I’m okay. I’m okay.

Silence. CHARLIE breathes. LIZ stares at him.

LIZ
GODDAMMIT CHARLIE, WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOU?

CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
Chew your food like a normal human
being! You could have just died
right in front of me, you--!

Silence. LIZ looks away, struggles to calm down.

Finally she goes to the kitchen, grabs a wad of paper towels.
She goes back to the couch, cleaning up the piece of sub that
CHARLIE coughed up.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry, Liz.

LIZ throws away the piece of sub, then goes back to CHARLIE.
She sees the partially eaten meatball sub on the floor. She
considers, then picks it up, looking at it.
31.


LIZ
It’s fine.

LIZ brushes it off a bit, then extends it to CHARLIE.
CHARLIE looks at it, then her. He takes the sub. LIZ looks
away, grabbing the remote.

LIZ (CONT’D)
House is on. The one about the guy
whose arm has a mind of its own,
something like that.

LIZ finds the channel, puts the remote down, not looking at
CHARLIE. She goes back to the kitchen, starts washing her
hands.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You want a Dr. Pepper?

Pause.

CHARLIE
(quiet)
I’m sorry.

LIZ
I asked if you want a Dr. Pepper.

Pause.

CHARLIE
(quieter)
I’m sorry.

CHARLIE looks at the meatball sub.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Charlie experiences chest pain and seeks help from Liz. They discuss Charlie's strained relationship with his daughter Ellie and his desire to reconnect with her. Liz is angry and concerned for Charlie's well-being. Charlie accidentally chokes on a piece of food and Liz saves him using the Heimlich Maneuver. Liz expresses her frustration with Charlie's choices and they attempt to move past the incident.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, well-developed characters, engaging concept"
Weaknesses "Melodramatic dialogue in some parts"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively portrays the tension and conflict between the characters, and the intense emotional impact of Charlie choking and being saved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man trying to reconnect with his estranged daughter while dealing with his own health issues is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with Charlie's attempt to reconnect with his daughter and his realization of the impact of his choices on his health and relationships.

Originality: 8

This scene shows a level of originality in its portrayal of the strained relationship between the characters and their conflicting views on how to handle the daughter's situation. The actions and dialogue feel authentic and genuine.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie and Liz are well-developed and their conflicting emotions and actions make them compelling to watch.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie begins to reflect on his actions and their impact on his daughter, showing some potential for change.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with his estranged daughter and prove himself as a father. This reflects his deeper desire for redemption and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his partner to allow his daughter to visit. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing his relationship with his partner and his desire to meet his daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Charlie and Liz, as well as Charlie's internal conflicts, create a high level of tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is decently strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from his partner in his goal to reconnect with his daughter. The audience is unsure how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Charlie's health is at risk, and his relationship with his daughter hangs in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene deepens the character dynamics and adds complexity to the overall story by exploring Charlie's desire to reconnect with his daughter.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it presents conflicts and challenges that are unexpected and not easily resolved. The audience is unsure how the characters will navigate their differences and whether the protagonist's daughter will ultimately be allowed to visit.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the difference in perspectives on how to handle the protagonist's daughter. The protagonist believes that helping her with her essays is a way to reconnect and support her, while the partner believes it is enabling and not beneficial for either of them.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is emotionally charged, with moments of anxiety, anger, regret, and relief, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, but at times it can feel a bit melodramatic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it explores the complexities of human relationships and emotions, keeps the audience invested in the conflict, and reveals the vulnerabilities and struggles of the characters.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing enough time for the tension and emotions to build, while also maintaining a sense of urgency and forward momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the conventional format for a dialogue-heavy dramatic scene in a screenplay. It establishes the conflict, builds tension, and resolves some of the immediate issues.


Critique Overall, this scene showcases good dialogue and character interaction that helps to reveal the dynamics between Charlie and Liz. However, there are a few areas that could benefit from improvement:

1. Descriptions: The scene lacks specific, visual descriptions that allow the reader to visualize the setting and actions more clearly. For example, including details such as the color of the couch, the specific groceries being unpacked, or the appearance of Liz and Charlie would enhance the scene and make it more immersive.

2. Pacing: The scene feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from some tightening. There are instances where the dialogue could be trimmed to increase the pace and keep the reader engaged. For example, some of the repetition in Liz's dialogue about the machine measuring stress could be consolidated to make it more succinct.

3. Character development: While we get a glimpse into Charlie's concern for his daughter, Ellie, and Liz's frustration with the situation, further exploring their emotions and motivations could add depth to the scene. This could be achieved through additional internal thoughts or nonverbal cues.

4. Transition: The transition from the conversation about bringing Ellie over to Liz suddenly noticing Charlie choking feels a bit abrupt. Adding a transition or trigger for Liz to switch her attention to Charlie would make the scene flow more smoothly.

Overall, the scene has strong dialogue and tension between the characters, but it could benefit from enhanced descriptions, tightened pacing, and deeper character development.
Suggestions - Clarify the focus of the scene: While the scene starts with Charlie and Liz using the machine to measure stress, it gradually transitions into a conversation about Charlie's daughter and his desire to reconnect with her. To improve the scene, it would be helpful to clearly establish the central conflict and emotional stakes from the beginning. Is it about Charlie's stress levels, his relationship with his daughter, or both?

- Provide more visual and sensory details: To make the scene more immersive and engaging, include specific actions, reactions, and visuals to enhance the audience's understanding of the characters' emotions and motivations. For example, instead of just stating that Liz is angry, show her slamming down the groceries or her tight grip on an object.

- Strengthen dialogue: While the dialogue is functional, it can be further improved to reflect the characters' inner emotions and conflict. Consider adding subtext and emotional depth to their conversations. Pay attention to the rhythm and pacing of the dialogue to make it feel more natural and realistic.

- Show instead of tell: Instead of explicitly stating Liz's thoughts and feelings, find ways to show them through her actions, expressions, and body language. This will make the scene more visually dynamic and allow the audience to interpret the character's emotions.

- Play with the setting: Explore how the setting can enhance the emotions and tensions between the characters. For example, instead of having the scene take place solely in the living room, consider having moments in other areas of the house to create a change of pace and build a sense of environment.

- Consider the overall pacing: As Scene 8 out of 29, it's crucial to examine how this scene fits into the larger narrative. Does it propel the story forward or reveal crucial information about the characters? Make sure the scene has a clear purpose and impact on the story. If necessary, condense or expand the scene to maintain a strong pacing throughout the script.



Scene 9 - Charlie's Desperation
EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

Shots of rolling hills in the Palouse, wind rushing over
them. The sound of the wind now starts to fold more
distinctly into the sound of waves, the hills move in way
that begins to resemble an ocean landscape.


TITLE: WEDNESDAY


INT. - BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

A cellphone alarm rings. CHARLIE, asleep on the mattress on
the floor of his bedroom, jolts awake. He is covered in
sweat, his heart is pounding.
32.


He stares up at the ceiling, wheezing. His cellphone alarm
continues to ring, he reaches across the mattress to where
his phone is resting, turning off the alarm. He breathes.


INT. - KITCHEN - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

CHARLIE is in the kitchen, looking for food. The television
is on in the background playing daytime TV.

He searches through a few drawers, finds an old box of
Slimfast breakfast bars that are at least two years old. He
opens up the box, takes out a couple bars and starts eating
them.

He turns to the fridge and opens it, discovers there is very
little food. He takes out the pizza box from before, looks
inside--only a few crusts remain. He takes them out, starts
eating them. He looks around the fridge, sees a large jar of
mayonnaise that is about half-empty. He looks at it for a
second, considers, then takes it.

He takes the remaining crusts, dips them in mayonnaise and
eats them.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Leaning on his walker and breathing heavily, CHARLIE is at a
bookcase looking through several old notebooks. Most of them
are old and well-worn.

Finally he finds what he was looking for--a blank notebook
with a purple cover. He grabs it, tries to pull it off the
shelf. The notebook is wedged in well, he keeps tugging at
it.

Finally the notebook gives way. As he pulls it off the
shelf, a few pieces of paper that were stuck beside the
notebook fall to the ground. CHARLIE looks at them.

CHARLIE see that the papers are an old essay, somewhere
around fifteen years old, on Faulkner’s The Sound and the
Fury. CHARLIE stares at it.


INT. - BEDROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE leans against his walker, facing some shelves on his
bedroom wall. He is staring at an old, worn box underneath
some papers on the top shelf. He breathes in and out.
33.


Leaning against his walker, he reaches for the box with one
hand. He can barely reach the box, but is unable to get a
decent grip on it.

He reaches up again, his knees buckle and he nearly falls to
the ground. He catches himself on his walker, wheezing.

He looks back up at the box.


INT. - BEDROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE has retrieved his reaching claw, he is leaning on his
walker, reaching up toward the box.

With the claw he’s finally able to get a grip on the box. He
pulls it off the shelf, it falls to the ground. He looks at
it.


INT. - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE collapses down onto his mattress from his walker,
wheezing heavily. He reaches over, pulling the box toward
him.

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out the essay from before
on The Sound and the Fury.

He holds the essay in his hand, looking at the box,
hesitating.

Finally, he opens up the box.

Inside are a few framed photos, a Bible, some small trinkets
including a seashell.

CHARLIE looks into the box for a moment, considering taking
the photos out to look at.

He stares at the open box for a moment, becoming upset. He
holds back a wave of tears, gasping slightly. He has a sharp
pain in his chest, he winces.

He quickly throws the essay inside the box, shutting it. He
puts the box on the ground, shoving it a few feet away from
him. He looks away, breathing heavily.
Genres: []

Summary Charlie, a severely overweight man, experiences chest pain and searches for information on congestive heart failure. He becomes increasingly anxious and in pain, but eventually calms down.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Charlie's desperation and inner conflict.
  • Insight into Charlie's health issues and emotional struggles.
Weaknesses
  • Lack of strong conflict
  • Dialogue could be more emotionally resonant

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 5

The scene effectively portrays Charlie's desperation and inner conflict, but lacks strong conflict or emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 4

The concept of depicting a character's health issues and emotional struggles is intriguing, but it could be developed further.

Plot: 6

The plot progresses with Charlie's worsening health and his attempts to reconnect with his daughter.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. It primarily focuses on depicting the daily routine and struggles of an individual, which is a familiar theme in storytelling. However, the specific actions and situations, such as Charlie eating old crusts with mayonnaise or struggling to reach a box, add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Charlie is a complex character with a deep desire to rebuild his relationship with his daughter.

Character Changes: 6

Charlie shows a desire for change and attempts to reconnect with his daughter.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace or comfort through various actions, such as eating and revisiting past memories. This reflects his deeper need for emotional fulfillment and a sense of purpose in his life.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find food and retrieve a box from the top shelf of his bedroom. These goals reflect the immediate challenges Charlie is facing, such as hunger and physical limitations due to his age or health condition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is internal conflict within Charlie but the scene lacks external conflict.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal. While Charlie faces some challenges, such as hunger and physical limitations, they are not particularly difficult to overcome and do not create a high level of suspense or tension. The audience knows how these challenges will likely resolve.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are moderately high for Charlie's health and relationship with his daughter, but could be raised further.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides some development for Charlie's character and his strained relationship with his daughter.

Unpredictability: 3

This scene is not particularly unpredictable as it primarily focuses on depicting the mundane routine and struggles of the protagonist. The actions and outcomes are fairly expected and do not introduce significant surprises or twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 2

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene that challenges or relates to the protagonist's beliefs, values, or worldview. The scene primarily focuses on Charlie's daily routine and personal struggles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene briefly captures Charlie's emotional distress, but doesn't fully deliver on the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 4

The dialogue lacks depth and could benefit from more emotional resonance.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it portrays the everyday struggles and emotions of the protagonist in a relatable and introspective manner. The actions and dialogue contribute to creating empathy for Charlie and a desire to know more about his story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by creating a sense of slowness and contemplation. The descriptions of Charlie's actions and the pauses between them allow the audience to experience the emotions and mental state of the protagonist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the Palouse landscape, followed by specific locations within Charlie's home. Each section focuses on a different moment in Charlie's day, creating a sense of progression.


Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of showing the protagonist, Charlie, in various physical and emotional states, but there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

1. Lack of visual descriptions: While the scene provides some visual details such as the rolling hills and the box on the shelf, it could benefit from more vivid and specific descriptions. This will help to paint a clearer picture for the reader, enhancing their understanding and engagement with the scene.

2. Transition between locations: The transition between the different locations (bedroom, kitchen, living room) could be smoother. Using transitional elements such as time jumps or character movement can help to create a more seamless flow between the different settings.

3. Limited dialogue and character interaction: The scene relies heavily on visual descriptions and actions, without much dialogue or interaction between characters. Adding some dialogue or brief exchanges of words can help to develop the characters and their relationships, adding depth to the scene.

4. Emotional depth: While the scene conveys some of Charlie's emotional state, such as his wheezing and sharp pain in his chest, it could delve deeper into his emotions. Consider adding internal thoughts or flashbacks that provide insight into Charlie's inner world and what he's going through.

5. Theme or plot relevance: The scene doesn't clearly establish its relevance to the plot or overarching themes of the story. Finding ways to connect the scene more explicitly to the main narrative or themes can help to make it more impactful and meaningful.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from further development in terms of visual descriptions, character interaction, emotional depth, and its connection to the larger story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and provides some insight into Charlie's character and emotional state. However, here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Provide a clearer transition between the Palouse landscape and the bedroom scene. You can do this by describing CHARLIE waking up from his nightmare in the bedroom, connecting it to the previous shots of the landscape.

2. Consider adding some visual cues to show CHARLIE's distress. Instead of just stating that he is covered in sweat and has a pounding heart, show his physical reactions through his body language, facial expressions, and possibly some close-up shots.

3. Instead of simply stating that CHARLIE is searching for food in the kitchen, consider adding more sensory details to create a vivid image. For example, describe the empty fridge with only a few leftovers and the stale smell of the old box of Slimfast breakfast bars.

4. Introduce more dialogue or inner thoughts to reveal CHARLIE's emotions and thoughts. This will help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level and understand his motivations.

5. Consider adding some conflict or obstacles for CHARLIE when he tries to retrieve the notebook from the bookshelf. This will create tension and make the scene more engaging. For example, the notebook could be stuck behind several heavy books, or CHARLIE's physical limitations could make it difficult for him to reach.

6. Show CHARLIE's reaction more explicitly when he discovers the old essay. You can describe his facial expression, his hands trembling, or any other physical reactions that convey his emotions.

7. Similarly, when CHARLIE finally opens the box in his bedroom, describe his emotions and reactions in more detail. Show his momentary hesitation and the internal struggle before he decides to throw the essay inside and shut the box.

8. Finally, consider adding a bit of introspection or reflection from CHARLIE after he shuts the box. This will give the audience a deeper understanding of his emotional state and inner thoughts.



Scene 10 - Reconnecting Through Literature
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

ELLIE sits in a corner, typing on her iPhone. CHARLIE is on
the couch reading an essay. ELLIE continues to type.
34.


CHARLIE steals a few glances at ELLIE. ELLIE doesn’t look up
from her phone.

ELLIE, sensing him look at her, finally puts her phone down
and glares at him. CHARLIE smiles at her, she stares at him
stone-faced.

CHARLIE
Sorry.

ELLIE goes back to typing on her phone. CHARLIE looks at the
essay for a moment.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
(reading)
“In the poem ‘Song of Myself’ by
Walt Whitman, the author tells us
how amazing he is. He tells us
that he is better than everyone
else, and that people should listen
to what he says, because he is so
wonderful.”

He looks to ELLIE, she is unmoved. She continues to type on
her phone.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You know, this--... This isn’t
what the poem is about.

ELLIE
Yes it is. I read it.

CHARLIE
But he’s not really talking about
himself, he’s using the metaphor of
“I” to explode the entire
definition of self to--

ELLIE
Oh my God I don’t care.

Pause. ELLIE continues to type, not looking at CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
You know I actually think you might
like it if you actually read it--

ELLIE finally looks up from her iPhone, looks at CHARLIE.
35.


ELLIE
You’re just like my teachers, you
think that just because I don’t
like it, that means I didn’t read
it.

CHARLIE
I didn’t say that--

ELLIE
I did read it, which is how I know
it’s bullshit. He thinks his
“metaphor of I” is deep and shit,
but actually it doesn’t mean
anything and he’s just some
worthless 19th century faggot.

Pause. ELLIE stares at him for a moment. CHARLIE looks back
at her, unhurt, a hint of a smile on his face. ELLIE waits
for a response, doesn’t get one, then goes back to her phone.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Just write down what you were
saying, my English teacher will
love that.

CHARLIE looks at the essay again, reads a few more sentences.
His eyes drift back to ELLIE.

CHARLIE puts his hand on the edge of the couch, nervously
teasing a loose thread.

CHARLIE
How’s your mom doing?

ELLIE
Oh my God.

ELLIE grabs her backpack, stands up.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
If you’re not gonna write these
essays for me--

CHARLIE
Look, Ellie, I don’t need you here
to write this for you. If you want
to go, you can go. You can still
have the money.

Pause.

ELLIE
Really?
36.


CHARLIE nods.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I thought you wanted to get to know
me.

CHARLIE
I do, but I don’t want to force you
to be here.

Pause. ELLIE considers. Finally she puts her backpack down.
She goes to the box of donuts on the coffee table in front of
CHARLIE, takes one, and sits down.

ELLIE
She’s fine. Mom. I guess.

ELLIE picks at the donut. CHARLIE smiles at her.

CHARLIE
Is she--happy?

ELLIE
When she drinks.

CHARLIE
Oh.
(pause)
You guys still live over in that
duplex over on Orchard?

ELLIE
You don’t even know where we live?
How did you get my cell phone
number?

CHARLIE
Facebook.

Pause.

ELLIE
You don’t stay in touch with mom?

CHARLIE
Sometimes. She really only tells
me things about you.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
Because that’s all I ask about.
37.


Pause. ELLIE gets up, starts wandering around the room,
examining things. She looks through a bookshelf, glances
around the kitchen.

ELLIE
When I was little we moved to the
other side of town, near the Circle
K.

CHARLIE
Is your mother--with anyone right
now?

ELLIE
No. Why, you interested?

CHARLIE
Oh, no, I just--

ELLIE
I’m kidding. How could you be with
anyone?

ELLIE looks at a bookshelf, spots a framed photo shoved
toward the back of the shelf, face down. She grabs it,
looking at the photo. The photo is roughly ten years old,
it’s a picture of CHARLIE in his 30s. He is standing on the
beach of the Oregon coast next to a thinner man, a few years
younger than him. They both look bright, happy, young.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Why did you gain all that weight?

ELLIE takes the framed photo in her hands, looking at it.

CHARLIE
Oh, that’s not--

ELLIE
If you’re gonna interrogate me I’m
gonna do the same thing. Why did
you gain all that weight?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Someone close to me passed away,
and it--... It had an effect on
me.

ELLIE turns to CHARLIE, holds up the framed photo. CHARLIE
looks at the photo, nodding slightly.
38.


CHARLIE continues to play with the loose thread on the couch,
his heartbeat rising a bit.

ELLIE looks at the photo again.

ELLIE
Your boyfriend.

CHARLIE
My partner.

Pause.

ELLIE
How did you meet him?

CHARLIE
At the U of I, he was a student of
mine.

ELLIE
Ew.

CHARLIE
He was only a few years younger
than me. He took a few years off
before going to school--

ELLIE
How did he die?

Pause.

CHARLIE
You know, I--. I’d really rather
not talk about this right now, if
that’s alright.

ELLIE rolls her eyes, puts the framed photo on the shelf,
facing out. She goes back to her seat, takes out her iPhone
again.

CHARLIE reaches behind the couch, takes out the purple
notebook.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’ll write these essays for you,
but I’d like you to do some
writing, just for me?

ELLIE
You were serious about that?
39.


CHARLIE extends the notebook to ELLIE. She looks up from her
iPhone, doesn’t take the notebook.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I hate writing essays.

CHARLIE
Just think about the poem for a
while, and write something. Be
honest, tell me what you really
think.

ELLIE
You want me to write what I really
think?

CHARLIE
Yes. Really.

CHARLIE keeps the notebook extended toward ELLIE. ELLIE
stares at him for a second, then grabs the notebook. She
opens it up, grabs a pen, starts writing.

CHARLIE reaches for his walker.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’m going to go to the bathroom,
but when I’m done I’ll work on--

ELLIE
I’m not helping you to the
bathroom.

CHARLIE
I didn’t ask you to help.

With a lot of effort and pain, CHARLIE manages to brace
himself on the walker and stand up. He slowly heads down the
hall toward the bathroom, ELLIE continues to type on her
phone, watching him from the corner of her eye.

CHARLIE continues down the hall into the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ellie and Charlie have a tense conversation about a poem. Charlie offers to write essays for Ellie, but she is dismissive. They discuss Ellie's mom and Charlie's past relationship. Ellie finds an old photo of Charlie and his deceased partner. Charlie reveals his partner's death as the reason for his weight gain. Ellie starts writing in a notebook given to her by Charlie.
Strengths
  • Emotionally charged dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Conveys the longing for reconnection
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of repetitive dialogue
  • Occasional lack of subtlety in characterization

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene successfully showcases the conflict between the characters and delves into their emotional dynamics. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important plot details.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a father trying to reconnect with his daughter through literature is a unique and interesting idea. It adds depth and complexity to their relationship.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Charlie and Ellie have a confrontational conversation, discuss their past, and begin to find common ground. The introduction of the notebook serves as a catalyst for their relationship.

Originality: 9

This scene brings a fresh approach to the familiar conflict between generations and differences in literary interpretation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. Their strained relationship is realistic and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Both Charlie and Ellie start to show a willingness to open up and understand each other better. Charlie's vulnerability is highlighted, and Ellie begins to show glimpses of empathy.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and challenge Charlie's authority and knowledge.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Charlie to write her essays for her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both verbal and emotional, between Charlie and Ellie. Their confrontational dialogue and the tension in their interactions drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with Ellie challenging Charlie's authority and beliefs, creating a small obstacle for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for both Charlie and Ellie to rebuild their relationship and find a way to connect. The potential for emotional growth and understanding adds to the stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of Charlie and Ellie's relationship and their individual struggles. It also sets the stage for potential growth and reconciliation.

Unpredictability: 6

While the scene has some unexpected moments, such as Ellie's harsh critique of the poem and her eventual decision to write something for Charlie, overall it follows a relatively predictable trajectory.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene regarding the interpretation and value of literature, particularly the poem by Walt Whitman. Ellie dismisses the poem as 'bullshit' and questions its deeper meaning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with both characters expressing their resentment, frustration, and vulnerability. The reveal of Charlie's deceased partner adds a poignant and emotional moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and captures the tension and conflict between the characters. It also reveals their personalities and backgrounds effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its realistic and dynamic dialogue, the conflict between the characters, and the exploration of deeper themes and emotions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a steady rhythm that allows for moments of tension and reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with appropriate use of action lines and dialogue format.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions and dialogue.


Critique Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from some improvements:

1. Dialogue: The dialogue feels somewhat forced and unnatural at times. It lacks nuance and subtlety. Consider focusing on more realistic exchanges and allowing subtext to drive the communication between the characters.

2. Character development: While the scene hints at the tension between Ellie and Charlie, their feelings and motivations could be explored in greater depth. Providing more insight into their relationship and individual backgrounds will make the scene more engaging and their interactions more authentic.

3. Pacing: The scene could be tightened and made more dynamic by condensing some of the dialogue and eliminating unnecessary pauses. This will help maintain the momentum and keep the audience engaged.

4. Symbolism: The photo of Charlie's partner serves as a powerful symbol, but its significance isn't fully explored. Consider delving deeper into the emotional impact it has on Charlie and how it shapes his interactions with Ellie.

5. Reducing offensive language: The use of derogatory slurs (e.g., "faggot") may alienate some viewers and detract from the scene. Consider finding alternative ways to highlight Ellie's disdain for the poem or Charlie's reaction without resorting to offensive language.

6. Visual storytelling: Incorporating more visuals and actions can enhance the scene and bring it to life. Think about how the characters' movements, gestures, and facial expressions can convey their emotions and thoughts.

Overall, this scene has potential to be impactful, but it could benefit from a deeper exploration of character dynamics and more nuanced dialogue.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Establish the characters: Give a brief description or introduction to both Ellie and Charlie at the beginning of the scene to help readers understand their personalities and physical appearances.

2. Add more action: Instead of just having Ellie sit in a corner and type on her iPhone, show what she is specifically typing or doing on her phone. This will give more insight into her character and her current state of mind.

3. Show Ellie's reaction more clearly: Instead of just mentioning that Ellie glares at Charlie, describe her facial expression, body language, and any other noticeable reactions that can convey her annoyance or frustration.

4. Build tension: Make it more apparent that there is tension between Ellie and Charlie. Show Ellie's continued disinterest and Charlie's attempts to engage her more directly.

5. Develop Charlie's character: Give more depth to Charlie by showing his emotional reactions to Ellie's comments. This can be done through facial expressions, pauses, or other physical actions.

6. Be sensitive with dialogue: Consider revising Ellie's dialogue to avoid offensive language or slurs, such as the use of the word "faggot." Find alternative ways to convey Ellie's dismissive attitude without resorting to derogatory language.

7. Incorporate more emotional moments: Expand on the emotional connection between Ellie and Charlie. Explore their past relationship or memories that they may share to help establish a deeper bond.

8. Use visual cues: Add details about the setting, such as the appearance of the living room or the donuts on the coffee table, to create a more vivid and engaging visual experience for the readers.

9. Explore Charlie's vulnerability: Show Charlie's vulnerability when discussing his deceased partner. This will allow readers to sympathize with him and understand the impact that his loss has had on him.

10. Provide more context: Consider adding more background information about Ellie's motives for seeking help with the essays or her relationship with her mother. This will give readers a better understanding of her perspective and behavior.

Overall, these suggestions aim to enhance character development, build tension, and create a more engaging and emotionally resonant scene.



Scene 11 - Charlie's Bathroom Breakdown
INT. - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE barely manages to make his way through the bathroom
door. He flicks on the light switch.

Around the toilet there are some cinder blocks that CHARLIE
uses for bracing and for lifting himself on and off the
toilet.
40.


CHARLIE looks at himself in the mirror for a moment,
breathing heavily. He fights a wave of tears.

He looks away from himself, then goes to the toilet, wanting
to sit down for a moment to calm himself down.

He braces himself on the cinder blocks, then slowly lowers
himself down onto the toilet seat. He finally manages to
sit.

The wave of tears comes back, nearly overtaking him. He
stifles it as best he can.

ELLIE (O.S.)
Unless you’re dying, I’m not coming
in there.

CHARLIE
No, it’s... I’m fine.

CHARLIE breathes in and out, struggling to calm down.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the bathroom, Charlie struggles physically and emotionally. He braces himself on cinder blocks around the toilet and fights back tears. Ellie, his daughter, calls from outside but Charlie insists he's okay. He tries to calm himself down.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, effective portrayal of vulnerability, exploration of strained relationships."
Weaknesses "Minimal dialogue, lack of significant plot developments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Charlie's emotional vulnerability and physical struggle. It establishes the weight of his past and his desire for redemption, adding depth to his character.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a character experiencing a breakdown in a bathroom is relatable and provides an intimate setting for exploring his inner turmoil.

Plot: 6

The plot of this scene revolves around Charlie's emotional breakdown and the strained relationship with his daughter. It adds to the overall character development but does not introduce significant plot developments.

Originality: 5

This scene does not contain any particularly unique situations or fresh approaches, but it does authentically depict the protagonist's emotional struggle in a relatable manner.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene successfully portrays Charlie's vulnerability and inner conflict. His daughter Ellie serves as a contrasting character, adding tension to their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Charlie undergoes a significant emotional change in this scene as he confronts his past mistakes and desires a better relationship with his daughter.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to calm himself down and suppress his emotions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Ellie, who is outside the bathroom, that he is fine and doesn't need her help.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, with Charlie battling his emotions and past mistakes. The tension between Charlie and Ellie also adds a layer of conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is relatively low, as the protagonist's main obstacle is his own emotional turmoil and convincing Ellie that he is fine.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as Charlie battles with his past, his physical struggle, and his desire for a better relationship with his daughter.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not introduce major plot developments, it adds depth to Charlie's character and his motivation to reconnect with his daughter.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat predictable as the protagonist's emotional struggle is a common narrative element.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Charlie's vulnerability and inner turmoil. The struggle with his weight and guilt about his daughter contribute to the impactful emotional tone.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effectively conveys the strained relationship between Charlie and Ellie as well as Charlie's internal struggle.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it focuses on the protagonist's emotional struggle and creates tension through his interaction with Ellie and his attempts to calm himself down.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the protagonist's internal struggle, with slower moments to emphasize his emotional state and build tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with properly formatted scene headings, actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, actions, and dialogue.


Critique Overall, the scene effectively conveys Charlie's physical and emotional struggle in the bathroom. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. Be more specific with the character's physical limitations: Instead of simply stating that Charlie barely manages to make his way through the bathroom door, it would be helpful to provide more details about his physical condition. Does he have a limp? Is he using crutches or a wheelchair? This specificity will allow the audience to better understand his limitations and empathize with his struggle.

2. Show, don't tell emotions: Rather than stating that Charlie fights a wave of tears and stifles them, consider finding ways to visually and cinematically portray his emotional struggle. This could involve shots of him clenching his fists, biting his lip, or avoiding eye contact with himself in the mirror. Showcasing his emotions through actions and visual cues will create a stronger impact on the audience.

3. Provide context for Ellie's comment: When Ellie says, "Unless you're dying, I'm not coming in there," it's unclear why she would say this. Including a brief explanation or hint about their relationship or the circumstances leading up to the scene can make her comment more meaningful and add depth to their dynamic.

4. Develop the tension further: Building tension throughout the scene can enhance its emotional impact. Consider incorporating specific moments where Charlie struggles to lift himself on and off the toilet or experiences intense pain. These moments can add suspense and further accentuate the challenges he faces.

5. Consider incorporating visual symbolism: Since the scene takes place in a bathroom, there is potential to use visual symbolism to deepen the meaning. For example, you could include shots of a broken mirror to reflect Charlie's own brokenness or use the bathroom door as a symbolic barrier to represent his feelings of isolation.

Overall, the scene effectively conveys Charlie's struggle, but by addressing these areas, it could become more engaging and emotionally impactful for the audience.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more specificity and detail to the description: Instead of just saying "CHARLIE barely manages to make his way through the bathroom door," you could describe the physical struggle he faces, such as using a walker or leaning on a wall for support.

2. Utilize visual cues and actions to convey emotion: Rather than telling the reader that CHARLIE fights a wave of tears, show it through his actions and expressions. For example, describe him gripping the sink tightly or his breath catching in his throat.

3. Use dialogue sparingly and make it more impactful: Instead of having CHARLIE and ELLIE engage in a casual conversation, consider condensing the dialogue and making it more impactful. For example, you could have CHARLIE say something more emotionally charged like, "I just need a moment alone," or "I can't hold it together anymore."

4. Consider the pacing and timing: Explore how you can build tension and suspense in this scene. You could lengthen the moment before CHARLIE sits on the toilet, creating a pregnant pause that heightens the emotional impact.

5. Show the internal struggle: As CHARLIE breathes in and out, struggling to calm down, consider adding insights into his thoughts and internal dialogue. This can give the audience a deeper understanding of his emotional state and the significance of this moment for his character development.

Overall, aim to create a more visceral and emotionally resonant scene by adding specific details, using visual cues, streamlining dialogue, and exploring the internal struggles of the character.



Scene 12 - Awkward Encounter
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE is standing halfway down the hall, holding the
notebook. She looks at the bedroom door silently.

Suddenly we hear the sound of flapping wings near the window,
ELLIE looks and sees the bird from before.

ELLIE approaches the window, sees the plate with bread crumbs
on it.

A knock at the front door. ELLIE looks toward the front
door, then at the bedroom, considering calling out for
CHARLIE.

Another knock.

Finally, she goes to the front door. THOMAS stands in the
doorway.

THOMAS
Oh. Hi.

ELLIE doesn’t respond, staring at him silently.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
I was--looking for Charlie?

ELLIE
He’s in the bathroom.
41.


THOMAS
Oh. I can come back if--

ELLIE opens the door wider, beckons him inside.

THOMAS pauses, then cautiously makes his way inside. ELLIE
shuts the door behind him, takes a seat, stares at him.
THOMAS awkwardly smiles at her.

Pause.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Are you his--friend?

ELLIE
I’m his daughter.

Pause.

THOMAS
Oh, I didn’t know that.

ELLIE
Are you surprised?

THOMAS
Well, yeah, I guess.

ELLIE
What’s more surprising? That a gay
guy has a daughter, or that someone
found his penis?

Pause. THOMAS makes a move toward the front door.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I’m kidding, Jesus.

THOMAS stops, looks at her.

An awkward silence.

THOMAS
I, uh. I’m with New Life Church, I
was just here to talk to Charlie
about--

ELLIE
Oh.

ELLIE smiles, having figured out something about him. THOMAS
awkwardly stays standing, unsure of what to do.
42.


ELLIE (CONT’D)
I’ll tell you one thing I like
about religion.

THOMAS looks at her, unsure of how to respond. He gives her
a slight smile, a slight shrug.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
What I like about religion is that
it assumes everyone is an idiot and
that they’re incapable of saving
themselves. I think they got
something right with that.

THOMAS
Well I don’t really--

ELLIE glares at him, THOMAS stops. Short pause.

ELLIE
But what I don’t like about
religion is that when people accept
Jesus or whatever, they suddenly
think they’re better than everyone
else. That by accepting the fact
that they’re stupid sinners they’ve
somehow become better, and they
turn into assholes.

ELLIE stares at THOMAS. Pause.

THOMAS
I--don’t really know what to say--

ELLIE takes out her iPhone, snaps a picture of THOMAS.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Why did you just do that?

ELLIE
Are you coming back tomorrow?

THOMAS
I’m--. I’m not sure?

ELLIE
Come back tomorrow, I’ll be here
around the same time.

ELLIE smiles at him, THOMAS stares back at her, baffled.

CHARLIE appears in the hallway, he sees THOMAS.
43.


CHARLIE
Oh.

THOMAS
Hi, um. I was just--

ELLIE takes a picture of CHARLIE with her iPhone, then grabs
her backpack, starts gathering her things. She leaves the
notebook behind.

ELLIE
(to CHARLIE)
You’ll have that one done by
tomorrow?

CHARLIE
Sure.

ELLIE
Five page minimum.

CHARLIE
It’ll be good, I promise.

ELLIE turns to THOMAS.

ELLIE
I’m Ellie.

Pause.

THOMAS
Thomas.

Pause, ELLIE studies him. THOMAS smiles at her awkwardly.
Finally, ELLIE leaves.

CHARLIE notices the framed photo of himself and his partner
on the shelf, looks at it briefly. He reaches up and turns
it over, putting it face down.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
So!

CHARLIE turns to THOMAS.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
I’d love to share God’s word with
you.

CHARLIE looks at him.
44.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Charlie's daughter Ellie lets Thomas, a man from New Life Church, into the house while Charlie is in the bathroom. Ellie engages in a tense and confrontational conversation with Thomas about religion and his assumptions. She takes a picture of him and tells him to come back tomorrow. Ellie leaves, leaving Charlie and Thomas alone.
Strengths
  • Sharp and engaging dialogue
  • Tension and conflict between characters
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 7

    The scene is well-written and the tension between Ellie and Thomas keeps the audience engaged. There is also character development for both Ellie and Charlie.


    Story Content

    Concept: 6

    The concept of a tense confrontation about religion is interesting, but not necessarily unique.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as Ellie and Thomas's conversation adds conflict and character development.

    Originality: 8

    While the setting and situation are common, the dialogue and character interactions in this scene feel fresh and authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue reflect their individual personalities and motives, adding authenticity to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Ellie's strong-willed and confrontational nature is evident in her interactions with Thomas. Thomas's confusion and awkwardness provide a counterbalance.

    Character Changes: 6

    Ellie demonstrates her confrontational nature and challenges Thomas's assumptions about religion.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and engage with Thomas, the visitor from the New Life Church. This reflects Ellie's deeper desire for connection and understanding.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Thomas and his intentions for visiting Charlie. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the situation with an unexpected visitor.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The confrontation between Ellie and Thomas creates a high-level conflict in the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is not very strong, but it does create some uncertainty and tension. The audience is unsure of Thomas' true intentions and how the interaction between the characters will unfold.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are relatively high as Ellie challenges Thomas's beliefs and Thomas tries to navigate the situation.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene adds conflict and character development, advancing the overall story.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because of the unexpected remarks and actions of the characters. The audience is kept wondering about the true intentions and beliefs of Thomas and Ellie.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene, as Ellie challenges Thomas' assumptions about religion and questions the behavior of religious people. This conflict challenges Thomas' beliefs and values and prompts him to reevaluate his perspective.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The tension and awkwardness between Ellie and Thomas evoke a strong emotional response from the audience.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is sharp and engaging, showcasing the tension between Ellie and Thomas.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the sharp and witty dialogue, as well as the tension and curiosity surrounding the unexpected visitor. The pauses and subtle expressions add depth to the interactions between the characters.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of this scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest and capturing the tension between the characters. The pauses and silences add rhythm and depth to the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear and consistent use of scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The scene is easy to read and understand.

    Structure: 7

    The structure of this scene follows a typical format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. It progresses logically and smoothly through the interaction between the characters.


    Critique As a screenwriting expert, here is my critique of the scene:

    1. Formatting: The scene is formatted correctly with the INT/EXT, location, and time of day. Good job on that.

    2. Description: The descriptions in the scene are clear and concise, giving the necessary information without being overly detailed. However, there are some instances where the actions and emotions of the characters could be enhanced to provide more visual storytelling. For example, instead of saying "ELLIE stares at THOMAS," you could describe ELLIE's intense gaze or the way THOMAS shifts uncomfortably under her stare.

    3. Dialogue: The dialogue in the scene is realistic and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and motivations. The moment of tension between ELLIE and THOMAS is well-crafted, and their dialogue exchange adds depth to their characters. However, there are moments when the dialogue feels a bit expository, such as when ELLIE explains her thoughts on religion. It would be more effective if her opinions were shown through her actions and interactions with THOMAS rather than spelled out in a lengthy monologue.

    4. Pacing: The pacing in the scene is generally good, with moments of tension and pauses to allow the audience to process the dialogue and emotions. However, there are a few places where the pacing could be improved. For example, after ELLIE takes a picture of THOMAS, there is a quick transition to her asking if he will come back tomorrow. This transition feels rushed and could benefit from a bit more space to allow the audience to absorb the moment and understand ELLIE's intentions.

    5. Character Development: The scene provides some insights into the characters of ELLIE, THOMAS, and CHARLIE. ELLIE's bold and sarcastic personality is evident through her dialogue and actions, while THOMAS comes across as awkward and unsure of himself. CHARLIE's brief appearance reveals his discomfort with his own identity. Overall, the characters feel distinct and interesting.

    Overall, the scene is well-written and provides opportunities for emotion, tension, and character development. With some minor improvements in description, dialogue, and pacing, it could be even stronger.
    Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

    1. Add more visual description: While the basic actions are described, adding more visual details can help enhance the reader's understanding of the scene and create a more immersive experience. For example, describing Ellie's facial expression or body language as she stares at the bedroom door or how Thomas cautiously enters the living room can add depth to the scene.

    2. Strengthen the pacing: The scene feels a bit slow. Consider adding more urgency or tension to the actions and dialogue. For example, when Ellie hears the knocks on the front door, she could react more immediately, showing her internal conflict about whether to answer it or not.

    3. Develop Charlie's character: Charlie is introduced in this scene, but his character feels underdeveloped. Consider giving him more dialogue and actions that reveal his personality, interests, or current emotional state. This will make him more interesting and relatable to the audience.

    4. Clarify character motivations: It's not entirely clear why Ellie takes a picture of Thomas and Charlie or why she asks Thomas to come back tomorrow. Adding a line or gesture that suggests her reasoning behind these actions will make them more understandable to the audience.

    5. Make dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue exchanges feel a bit forced or on-the-nose. Try to make the conversations sound more authentic by paying attention to the characters' individual voices and their emotional state in the scene. Consider how they naturally respond to each other and avoid overtly explaining their emotions or beliefs too directly.

    Overall, these suggestions aim to enhance the visual and emotional aspects of the scene, improve character development, and make the dialogue more natural and engaging.



    Scene 13 - Confrontation and Revelation
    INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

    CHARLIE is on the couch, looking through some pamphlets
    absent-mindedly. THOMAS holds a Bible.

    THOMAS
    I mean the Bible says that no one
    will know the precise day or hour,
    but the signs are there. God’s
    sending us warning that it’s
    coming.

    CHARLIE looks turns a page in the pamphlet. There is an
    illustration of hundreds of people floating up to heaven from
    out of a hellish city landscape.

    CHARLIE flips a page, the phrase “THE DAY IS COMING” appears
    in bold letters.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    What’s going on in Israel right
    now, I mean really what’s happening
    all over the Middle East, it’s all
    there in Revelation, you just have
    to--

    CHARLIE
    You really think the world is gonna
    end soon?

    THOMAS
    I mean I think there’s really good
    reason to believe that we’re living
    in end times--

    CHARLIE
    And that doesn’t... Bother you?

    CHARLIE flips another page in the pamphlet. There is an
    illustration of a thoroughly Caucasian Jesus, his arms open
    wide.

    THOMAS
    No, it--. I think it’s a great
    gift. I think it’s...

    CHARLIE turns to THOMAS. THOMAS thinks, looking at his
    hands.
    45.


    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    The idea that there’s a better
    world coming to replace this one,
    that we can be released from this
    life, from our worldly desires and
    faults, and--. It’s just...

    CHARLIE looks at him. THOMAS continues to look at his hands.

    CHARLIE
    Oh.

    THOMAS quickly regains himself.

    THOMAS
    So the restoration of the state of
    Israel is probably the biggest sign
    of Christ’s coming, so we probably--

    CHARLIE puts down the pamphlet.

    CHARLIE
    Look, I--. I’m sorry, I don’t mean
    to be rude, but... I know all
    this.

    THOMAS
    What do you mean?

    CHARLIE
    I’ve probably read just about
    everything written about New Life
    Church, probably every pamphlet
    they’ve ever published--

    THOMAS
    Oh well--. I mean that’s great,
    but if you actually read
    Revelation, you’ll see that--

    CHARLIE
    I’ve read the Bible.

    Pause. THOMAS looks at him, smiling.

    THOMAS
    Oh yeah?

    CHARLIE
    Sure. Couple times.

    THOMAS
    Did you... Like it?
    46.


    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    I thought it was... Devastating.
    God creates us, expels us from
    paradise, then we wander around for
    thousands of years killing each
    other before he comes back and
    sends most of us to hell.

    Pause. THOMAS thumbs through his Bible a bit.

    THOMAS
    Yeah, I never really thought about
    it like that, but.

    Finally, THOMAS sighs, puts down the Bible. He sits next to
    CHARLIE.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    You have to understand--when God
    comes again? It’s going to be
    amazing. If you accept him, he’s
    going to release you from this,
    he’s going to take your soul out of
    this body and give you a new body,
    one made of pure light.

    CHARLIE sighs, looking away from him. He glances out the
    window.

    CHARLIE
    Thomas, I’m not interested in
    converting. I appreciate you
    helping me out yesterday, but you
    can go, this doesn’t--

    THOMAS
    Did you used to go to New Life or
    something?

    Pause. CHARLIE looks at him.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    Sorry it’s just--. Your friend,
    Liz, she told me that New Life has--
    caused you a lot of pain?

    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    No, I--. I never went to New Life.
    But I...
    47.


    Pause. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS. His eyes glaze over, he
    begins to grow upset. He struggles to hold back tears.

    THOMAS
    Are you okay?

    CHARLIE
    I’m fine, I just--.

    Pause. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS, smiling a little.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    You remind me of someone.

    THOMAS looks at him. He is about to say something when the
    front door opens.

    LIZ comes in pulling a folded up wheelchair behind her.
    THOMAS jumps up off the couch.

    LIZ
    Alright, I got you this. I did
    some asking around and--

    LIZ sees THOMAS. THOMAS tenses up, unsure of what to do.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    What the hell, Charlie?

    THOMAS
    I was just--

    CHARLIE
    It’s fine--

    LIZ
    (to THOMAS)
    Get out.

    CHARLIE
    Liz.

    LIZ
    (to THOMAS)
    Go home.

    THOMAS grabs his backpack, moves toward the door. He knocks
    over a floor lamp in his haste.

    THOMAS
    Crap, sorry--

    LIZ
    Leave it.
    48.


    THOMAS bends down, grabs the lamp.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    I said leave it!

    CHARLIE
    Liz, would you stop?

    LIZ glares at CHARLIE. THOMAS awkwardly puts the lamp right
    side up, then goes to the door. He opens it, about to exit.

    LIZ goes to THOMAS, blocking him. She shuts the front door,
    glaring at him.

    LIZ
    Actually, stay. We’ll have a chat.

    LIZ brings the wheelchair to CHARLIE. THOMAS stands near the
    front door, not knowing what to do.

    CHARLIE
    What is it?

    LIZ unfolds the wheelchair.

    LIZ
    What the fuck does it look like?
    It’s a fat guy wheelchair.

    CHARLIE
    Why do I need this?

    LIZ
    I was talking with one of the E.R.
    doctors, he said that moderate
    activity would be a good idea.
    Sense of independence might help
    you out.

    CHARLIE
    How much did you pay for this
    thing?

    LIZ
    Nothing. We ordered it for a
    patient a few months ago, it’s just
    been sitting around.

    CHARLIE
    What happened to the patient?

    LIZ doesn’t respond. She moves the coffee table away from
    the couch to clear some space, then moves the wheelchair next
    to CHARLIE. She grabs his walker, brings it to him.
    49.


    LIZ
    Try it out.

    CHARLIE reluctantly braces himself on his walker, slowly
    manages to stand up. LIZ locks the wheels on the wheelchair,
    bracing the back of it by putting all her weight onto it.

    CHARLIE stands up, then slowly backs toward the wheelchair.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    (a la a truck backing up)
    Beep. Beep. Beep.

    CHARLIE looks back at her. LIZ smiles.

    THOMAS stays in the corner, watching CHARLIE. He sees stains
    on the back of CHARLIE’s pants, looks away.

    CHARLIE keeps moving backward, reaching the wheelchair. He
    collapses down into it, breathing heavily, sweat running down
    his face, squinting through the pain.

    LIZ unlocks the wheels of the wheelchair, moves some trash
    and other items out of his way, clearing a path to the
    hallway.

    CHARLIE wheels himself forward a little bit, using both his
    arms and his legs to help himself move. CHARLIE smiles a
    bit, unexpectedly pleased.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    Good?

    CHARLIE
    Yeah, it--it’s actually really
    nice.

    CHARLIE wheels himself a few more feet. He smiles wider.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    Thank you, Liz, this is really--

    LIZ
    Why don’t you see if it fits
    through the bedroom door?

    LIZ moves to the back of the wheelchair, starts wheeling him
    down the hall. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS.

    THOMAS
    I should go.

    LIZ
    Not before we have our little chat.
    50.


    THOMAS stays near the door. CHARLIE looks up to LIZ.

    CHARLIE
    Liz, don’t--

    LIZ
    Just gimme a minute.

    She pushes CHARLIE most of the way down the hallway. CHARLIE
    finally relents, moves toward the bedroom.

    LIZ looks at THOMAS.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    Take a seat.
    Genres: ["Drama"]

    Summary Charlie and Thomas have a tense conversation about religion and the end times. Charlie challenges Thomas's beliefs, expressing his dissatisfaction with the concept of God and the Bible. Liz enters and confronts Thomas, telling him to leave. She then presents a wheelchair to Charlie, who reluctantly tries it out and finds it surprisingly pleasant.
    Strengths "Strong dialogue, emotional depth, well-developed characters"
    Weaknesses "Could benefit from further exploration of some characters' motivations and backgrounds"

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is well-executed and effectively conveys tension and emotional depth.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of exploring characters' differing beliefs about religion and their impact on their lives is interesting and engaging.

    Plot: 8

    The plot is driven by the confrontational conversation between Charlie and Thomas, as well as Liz's intervention and the offering of the wheelchair.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of religious beliefs and discussions of the end of the world are common in storytelling, the scene offers fresh perspectives by presenting different characters with contrasting views and diving into the protagonist's internal struggle. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    Charlie, Thomas, and Liz are well-developed and their actions and dialogue reveal their distinct personalities and motivations.

    Character Changes: 8

    Charlie experiences a change in perspective as he tries out the wheelchair and starts to see its potential benefits.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and come to terms with his own beliefs about the end of the world and the concept of faith. This reflects his deeper needs for existential meaning and his fear of the unknown.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive and adapt to a wheelchair, which reflects his immediate physical challenge of mobility and his circumstances of recovery from an injury.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The scene contains both internal and external conflicts, with internal conflicts arising from the characters' conflicting beliefs and emotions, and external conflicts arising from the confrontations between the characters.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderately strong, as the protagonist's friend challenges his beliefs and pushes him to confront his fears and desires. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond to this opposition and what choices he will make.

    High Stakes: 6

    The high stakes in the scene come from the characters' deep-seated beliefs and emotions, as well as the potential impact on Charlie's physical and emotional well-being.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene provides further development of Charlie's character and establishes tension and conflicts between the characters.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable as it introduces unexpected conflict between the characters and challenges the audience's assumptions about the protagonist's beliefs. The inclusion of the wheelchair adds a surprising element to the scene and raises questions about the protagonist's future actions and decisions.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's pessimistic view of the world and his friend's optimistic religious beliefs. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as he questions the purpose and fairness of existence.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Charlie's emotional struggle and Liz's confrontational behavior.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the tension between the characters.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it presents conflicting viewpoints and sparks curiosity in the audience about the protagonist's beliefs and the overall narrative. The scene also incorporates moments of tension and emotion, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of this scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining dramatic momentum. The pauses and silent moments allow for reflection and add depth to the characters' interactions. The scene moves at a steady pace, keeping the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows expected format for its genre, with correct use of scene headings, action lines, character names, and dialogue formatting. There are no major formatting errors or inconsistencies.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear character descriptions and dialogue separated by action lines. The scene flows smoothly and introduces conflict and resolution effectively.


    Critique Overall, this scene effectively establishes tension and conflict between the characters, particularly between Charlie and Thomas. The dialogue is natural and reveals character traits and motivations. The use of props, such as the pamphlets and wheelchair, adds visual interest and depth to the scene. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

    Firstly, there could be more description of the characters' physical actions and reactions to enhance the visual storytelling. For example, including details about Charlie's body language and facial expressions when he flips through the pamphlet or when he collapses into the wheelchair could provide more insight into his emotional state.

    Secondly, the pacing of the scene could be tightened. Some of the dialogue exchanges feel a bit repetitive and could benefit from trimming down or restructuring. This would help maintain the momentum and keep the audience engaged.

    Lastly, there could be more subtext and nuance in the dialogue to reflect the characters' emotions and unspoken thoughts. This could create more depth and complexity in their interactions. For example, Charlie's comment about the Bible being devastating could be further explored to reveal his underlying cynicism or disillusionment. Likewise, Thomas's response to Charlie's critique of the Bible could be more introspective and show a deeper conflict within him.

    Overall, this scene has strong potential, but with some refinements to pacing, physicality, and subtext, it could become even more impactful and engaging.
    Suggestions - Consider adding more action and description to the scene to create a stronger visual image for the audience. For example, describe the specific pamphlets Charlie is looking through and the illustrations he sees.
    - Develop the characters' emotions and reactions further to make the scene more engaging. Show Thomas's excitement and enthusiasm for the idea of the world ending and Charlie's skepticism and internal struggle.
    - Show more of Charlie's emotions when he starts to breakdown and cry. How does he physically respond? How does Thomas react to this?
    - When Liz enters, add a visual description of her so that the audience can get a clearer image of her.
    - Consider adding more dialogue or actions to illustrate the tension between Liz and Thomas, making their confrontation more dramatic.
    - Show Charlie's reaction to Liz's actions and dialogue more clearly. How does he feel about the wheelchair? How does he respond to Liz's command to try it out?
    - Consider adding more dialogue or actions to show the characters' motivations and intentions more explicitly. Why does Liz want to talk to Thomas? Why does Thomas want to leave?
    - Add more details about the wheelchair and the patient it was originally ordered for to create a more interesting and realistic backstory.
    - Consider adding more dialogue or actions to show the characters' physicality and movement in the scene, making it more dynamic and visually engaging.



    Scene 14 - Charlie's Struggle
    INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

    The door swings open and CHARLIE enters. The wheelchair just
    barely fits through the door. He wheels inside, wheezing,
    turns on the light.

    He looks at the mattress on his floor where he sleeps. There
    is a distinct sweat outline of his body, taking up most of
    the mattress.

    His eyes drift to the only window in the room. The window
    looks over rolling wheat fields. Wind lightly rustles
    through the wheat.

    He wheels himself closer to the window, looking outside.

    After a moment, he reaches up and manages to slide the window
    open. As best he can, he leans forward, trying to stick his
    head outside.

    He breathes in deeply, closes his eyes, feeling the wind rush
    by his face.
    Genres: ["Drama"]

    Summary Charlie enters his bedroom, struggles physically and emotionally, then has a tense conversation about religion with Thomas.
    Strengths "Strong emotional impact, tense dialogue, well-developed characters"
    Weaknesses "Could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting"

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively portrays Charlie's internal struggle and the tension between him and Thomas. It explores themes of loss, belief, and personal growth.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of a character's struggle with physical and emotional pain, as well as the clash of beliefs between Charlie and Thomas, is engaging and thought-provoking.

    Plot: 8

    The plot develops Charlie's character by showing his struggle and his interaction with Thomas. It also introduces the wheelchair, which has potential future significance.

    Originality: 7

    This scene exhibits a level of originality through its depiction of a physically confined protagonist longing for freedom. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality, as it captures the universal theme of finding hope in challenging circumstances.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    Charlie is a complex character dealing with grief and physical limitations. Ellie, Thomas, and Liz also have distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflict in the scene.

    Character Changes: 8

    Charlie experiences a slight change as he reluctantly tries the wheelchair and finds it surprisingly pleasant. Ellie also displays resilience and defiance in her conversation with Thomas.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to experience a sense of freedom and connection with the outside world. It reflects his deeper need for escape, his fear of being trapped, and his desire for a more fulfilling life outside of his bedroom.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to open the window and feel the wind on his face. It reflects the immediate circumstance of being confined inside his bedroom and his challenge of finding moments of joy and freedom within those limitations.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both internal (Charlie's struggle) and external (the tense conversation with Thomas). The clash of beliefs and the confrontation between Ellie, Thomas, and Liz also add to the conflict.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderately strong, as the protagonist's physical limitations and the narrow door create obstacles for him. The audience is unsure if he will be able to successfully lean out of the window.

    High Stakes: 7

    The scene involves high stakes for Charlie, as he grapples with his physical and emotional pain. The clash of beliefs also raises the stakes for the characters involved.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene reveals more about Charlie's struggle and introduces the wheelchair, which could have future implications for the story. The conversation about religion adds depth to the characters' beliefs and motivations.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is unpredictable to some extent because the audience does not know how the protagonist's attempt to lean out of the window will go. However, the overall outcome is somewhat expected as the scene establishes the protagonist's desire for freedom.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for freedom and connection with the outside world and his physical limitations that confine him to his bedroom. This conflict challenges his beliefs about what it means to truly live and the value of independence.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions through Charlie's physical and emotional struggle and the heated conversation about religion.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is tense and confrontational, effectively conveying the clash of beliefs between Charlie and Thomas and Ellie's defiance.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of curiosity about the protagonist's situation and desires. The limited dialogue and emphasis on visuals draw the audience in and evoke an emotional response.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and suspense as the protagonist attempts to reach the window and experience a moment of freedom. The gradual progression of actions and the concise descriptions contribute to a smooth and engaging flow.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation and the appropriate use of capitalization and punctuation. It allows for clear reading and understanding.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions. It effectively sets up the location and establishes the protagonist's actions and thoughts.


    Critique Overall, this scene is well-described and sets a specific tone. However, there are a few things that could be improved.

    Firstly, there is no clear reason given for why Charlie is in a wheelchair. It’s important to establish this early on, to give the audience a sense of his character and what his goals might be. Is he a veteran with disabilities from a war? A recent accident victim? Something else? This can be hinted at with a few well-chosen details.

    Secondly, there could be more description given to the room itself. What is the atmosphere like? Is there clutter or blank walls? Is it a larger bedroom or small and cramped? These details can help to establish Charlie’s character and his circumstances.

    Finally, while the scene sets a strong visual image, there is no clear sense of what Charlie wants or needs. Is he searching for something? Doing a daily routine? Establishing this can help to further engage the audience and set the stage for the rest of the story.
    Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

    1. Consider adding more action: While the description of Charlie wheezing and looking out the window creates some visual imagery, it doesn't provide much in terms of action. Consider adding more movement to the scene, such as having Charlie struggle to open the window or maybe even drop something out of it.

    2. Provide more context: It's not entirely clear from this scene where Charlie is or what his motivations are. Is he living in a small town in the middle of nowhere? Is he in a hospital? Without context, the scene feels a bit disconnected.

    3. Show, don't tell: Rather than telling us that the sweat outline takes up most of the mattress, show us visually. For example, you could have Charlie sit down on the bed and sink into the indentation, or maybe even struggle to move around in it.

    4. Consider adding dialogue: As it stands, the scene is entirely silent. Adding some dialogue could help to flesh out Charlie's character and motivations. Maybe he mutters something to himself as he looks out the window, or maybe someone else enters the room and they have a conversation.

    5. Use the environment to add to the mood: The rolling wheat fields outside the window could be used to create a sense of peace and tranquility, or maybe even a sense of isolation and loneliness. Consider using the environment to help set the mood of the scene.



    Scene 15 - A Clash of Beliefs
    INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

    LIZ sits on a chair smoking a cigarette. THOMAS sits
    awkwardly on the couch. LIZ stares at him.

    LIZ
    Where you from?

    THOMAS
    What?
    51.


    LIZ
    You said you’ve only been here for
    a little while. Your whole family
    move out here?

    Pause. THOMAS tenses up a bit.

    THOMAS
    No, I--. It’s just me.

    LIZ
    Really?

    THOMAS
    I’m doing some missionary work
    before I go to school.

    LIZ
    So you came to Idaho? Why not go
    to Africa or something?

    THOMAS
    Idaho needs the word just as much
    as anyone else.

    LIZ moves to a window, cracking it. She smokes out of it as
    she talks.

    LIZ
    Okay listen. You’re just some kid,
    you don’t know anything, so I’m
    gonna be very direct. I want you
    to stay away from Charlie, you
    understand? He doesn’t need this
    shit right now.

    Pause.

    THOMAS
    I disagree.

    LIZ looks at him. She puts out her cigarette, moves toward
    THOMAS, standing over him.

    LIZ
    Excuse me?

    THOMAS
    Sorry, I just--. He’s refusing to
    go to the hospital, he’s dying.
    What he needs is spiritual
    guidance.
    52.


    LIZ
    And you’re gonna give him that?

    THOMAS
    No. God will.

    LIZ
    I see.

    LIZ sits down next to THOMAS on the couch. THOMAS tenses up
    but doesn’t move away from her.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    My big brother did some missionary
    work. Went to Switzerland.

    THOMAS
    Oh.

    LIZ
    Yeah. I was the black sheep, I
    refused to go to church ever since
    I was twelve. But not my brother,
    he loved New Life.
    (pause)
    He wrote me a letter a few months
    into his mission, told me he was
    cold all the time. That he was
    cold, and lonely, but he didn’t
    want to come home and get married.

    THOMAS
    He didn’t want to--?

    LIZ
    Dad had set it all up, pushed him
    into getting married to this girl
    from New Life he barely knew. When
    he came back, he refused to go
    through with the wedding, fell in
    love with somebody else. And dad--
    kicked him out of the church.

    LIZ leans into THOMAS, growing angry. THOMAS grows more and
    more nervous.

    THOMAS
    Look, I’m not trying to--

    LIZ
    But that church and my dad had
    fucked him up so bad that he
    couldn’t get over it.
    (MORE)
    53.

    LIZ (CONT'D)
    He started caving in on himself,
    stopped eating, stopped bathing,
    just--wasted away. Few months
    later, he was gone.
    (pause)
    That was Alan. My brother, Alan.
    My sweet, sensitive brother who was
    crushed under the church that you
    think can save Charlie.

    LIZ stares at him. Finally, THOMAS stands up, gathering his
    things. LIZ stands up, bearing down on him.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    So you listen to me. He doesn’t
    need “saving”. What he needs is
    for you to fucking leave him alone.
    I am the only one who can help him,
    you understand me? I am the only
    one who can save him!

    CHARLIE
    Liz.

    LIZ turns around. CHARLIE is behind her, sitting in the
    wheelchair, staring at her.

    THOMAS quickly opens the door and leaves.

    A silence between CHARLIE and LIZ.

    Finally, LIZ moves to the couch, searching for the remote.

    LIZ
    Everything go alright in there?

    No response. LIZ finds the remote, sits on the couch. She
    turns on the television, flips through a few channels.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    I’ve got a while before I need to
    get back. We can watch some Maury.

    LIZ finds the right channel, puts the remote down. She
    watches the television for a few moments. CHARLIE remains
    motionless.

    LIZ (CONT’D)
    Wheel yourself over here, c’mon.

    CHARLIE doesn’t move.
    54.
    Genres: ["Drama"]

    Summary Liz confronts Thomas about his missionary work and warns him to stay away from Charlie. She shares the story of her brother's tragic experience with the church. Charlie overhears the conversation and reveals himself in a wheelchair. Thomas leaves, and Liz tries to engage with Charlie but he remains withdrawn.
    Strengths
    • Tense and emotional dialogue
    • Well-developed characters
    • Tragic backstory adds depth
    Weaknesses
    • Less exploration of Thomas' perspective

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively creates tension and conflict through the dialogue and emotional exchanges between Liz, Thomas, and Charlie. The dialogue is well-written and reveals important character dynamics and backstory. The reveal of Charlie in a wheelchair adds an unexpected twist and raises the emotional stakes.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a clash of beliefs and the impact of religion on personal lives is effectively explored in this scene. The tragic backstory adds depth to the conflict and raises questions about the role of religion in people's lives.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the clash of beliefs between Liz, Thomas, and Charlie. It introduces conflict and tension, reveals important character dynamics and backstory, and sets up the emotional journey of the characters.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist confronting a missionary is familiar, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds freshness to the scene. The personal anecdotes and emotional depth of the protagonist's backstory contribute to the scene's authenticity and originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in this scene, especially Liz and Charlie, are well-developed and engaging. Liz's anger and protectiveness towards Charlie, as well as her personal connection to the church, make her a compelling character. Charlie's silent presence and reveal in a wheelchair create intrigue and sympathy.

    Character Changes: 7

    While Liz and Thomas remain consistent in their beliefs and attitudes throughout the scene, the reveal of Charlie in a wheelchair hints at potential character changes in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 9

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and save her friend Charlie from the influence of the missionary, Thomas. Her deeper need is to be the only one who can help and save Charlie, which reflects her fears of losing him and her desire to be in control of the situation.

    External Goal: 8

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Thomas to stay away from Charlie. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing, as Charlie is refusing to go to the hospital and is in need of spiritual guidance.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is high, with Liz confronting Thomas and expressing her anger towards him. The clash of beliefs and personal experiences raises the emotional stakes and creates tension between the characters.

    Opposition: 9

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and Thomas have conflicting goals and beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will play out and what the consequences will be for the characters.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene as it involves the well-being and beliefs of the characters. The potential consequences of Charlie's refusal to go to the hospital and Liz's determination to protect him raise the stakes even further.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and revealing important backstory. It raises questions about the impact of religion on personal lives and sets the stage for further developments.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of the protagonist's personal backstory and the confrontation between the protagonist and Thomas. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the conflict and the ultimate fate of the characters.

    Philosophical Conflict: 8

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's belief in her ability to save Charlie through her own actions versus Thomas's belief in the power of God to provide the necessary guidance. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as she questions whether her own efforts are enough.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 10

    The scene has a high emotional impact due to the tense confrontations, tragic backstory, and vulnerability of the characters. Liz's anger and pain, Charlie's silent presence, and the raw emotions expressed create a powerful emotional atmosphere.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in this scene is tense and confrontational, effectively conveying the conflicting beliefs and emotions of the characters. The dialogue also reveals important character backstory and motivations.

    Engagement: 10

    This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the revelation of personal histories and motivations, and the high stakes involved in the protagonist's efforts to save her friend. The dialogue is gripping and reveals layers of complexity in the characters' relationships.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's engagement. The dialogue and character interactions are dynamic and propel the scene forward, while the pauses and moments of silence allow for the emotional impact of the revelations to land.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and scene descriptions are properly formatted and adhere to industry standards.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with establishing the setting and characters, progresses through dialogue and character interactions, and concludes with a significant revelation and emotional moment.


    Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Liz and Thomas. However, there are a few areas where improvements could be made.

    1. Formatting: The scene heading should be written in all caps, and there should be a space between the INT./EXT. and the dashes. For example: INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER.

    2. Character descriptions: It would be helpful to have a brief description of Liz and Thomas in the scene heading or in their first appearance. This will give the reader a better sense of their physical appearance and any relevant details about their demeanor or expressions.

    3. Action descriptions: The action descriptions are generally clear and concise, but there are a few instances where more detailed descriptions could enhance the scene. For example, when Liz talks about her brother, instead of just stating that she leans into Thomas, you could describe her growing angry and moving closer to him, making him increasingly uncomfortable.

    4. Dialogue: The dialogue in this scene effectively reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. The back-and-forth between Liz and Thomas feels natural and engaging. However, there are a few moments where the dialogue could be tightened up or made more dramatic. For example, when Liz tells Thomas to stay away from Charlie, you could make her instruction more forceful and specific, perhaps by using shorter, more direct sentences. This will emphasize her urgency and concern for Charlie. Additionally, when Thomas disagrees with Liz, his response could be more assertive and confident to further highlight the tension between them.

    Overall, this scene effectively showcases the conflict between Liz and Thomas, revealing their differing perspectives and motivations. With a few tweaks to the formatting, character descriptions, action descriptions, and dialogue, this scene could be even stronger.
    Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

    1. Provide more visual descriptions: The scene lacks specific visual details that can help set the mood and atmosphere. Consider adding details about the lighting, the decor in the room, or any props that may be present.

    2. Show instead of tell: Instead of having Liz ask Thomas where he is from, consider showing her noticing something specific about him that prompts her to ask the question. This can add depth to their interaction and make it more visually interesting.

    3. Add more physical movement: To make the scene dynamic, include more physical movement for the characters. For example, instead of Liz simply moving to a window to smoke, you can have her pace anxiously as she talks to Thomas. This can help bring more energy to the scene.

    4. Develop the emotional arc: The scene has potential for a powerful emotional confrontation between Liz and Thomas. Explore their emotions more deeply and allow their exchange to escalate gradually, building tension and conflict.

    5. Consider adding subtext: The scene can benefit from subtext and underlying tensions. Explore the unspoken thoughts and feelings of the characters that can add complexity and depth to their interactions.

    6. Tighten the dialogue: Some lines of dialogue could be condensed or rephrased to make it more natural and efficient. Aim to make the conversation feel more realistic and authentic to the characters' voices.

    7. Use visual cues: Consider using visual cues to convey the characters' emotions. For example, instead of explicitly stating that Thomas is growing more nervous, show it through his body language, such as fidgeting or avoiding eye contact.

    8. Adjust pacing: The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding pauses and beats between lines of dialogue. This can create a more natural rhythm and allow the audience to absorb the emotions and information being conveyed.

    9. Gradually reveal information: Instead of having Liz directly explain her backstory about her brother, consider revealing it more gradually throughout the scene, adding depth and intrigue to her character.

    10. Work on the ending: The ending could benefit from a stronger emotional beat or a small action that leaves an impact. Consider adding a moment that showcases the emotional intensity of the scene and leaves a lasting impression on the audience.



    Scene 16 - Charlie's Reflection
    INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT

    CHARLIE is on his wheelchair in the kitchen, making several
    sandwiches. The television is on in the background playing a
    late-night show.

    CHARLIE finishes the last sandwich, puts them on his lap,
    then starts to wheel himself back toward the couch and
    television, wheezing heavily.

    He has a pain in his chest and winces. Most of the
    sandwiches fall off his lap and onto the floor.

    He stares at the sandwiches for a moment.

    In a moment of rage, CHARLIE grabs a nearby book and throws
    it across the room. It hits a lamp in the corner of the
    room, shattering it.

    A dog from a nearby apartment is heard barking.

    CHARLIE stares at the broken lamp, immediately ashamed. He
    takes a few deep breaths, calming down.


    INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

    CHARLIE is on his wheelchair, not far from where he was hours
    ago. He is scanning through channels on the television
    absent-mindedly.

    A knock at the door.

    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
    Gambino’s.

    CHARLIE turns off the television.

    CHARLIE
    Hi, yeah. You can--

    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
    Money in the mailbox, leave it at
    the front door?

    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    Yeah, uh. Thank you.

    CHARLIE pauses, waiting for the DELIVERY BOY to take the
    money and leave the pizza. He doesn’t hear anything.
    Another moment passes.
    55.


    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
    I’m Danny.

    CHARLIE
    What?

    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
    I just--. My name, it’s Danny.
    (pause)
    I’ve been coming here for a while
    now. Just thought you’d wanna know
    my name.

    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    Charlie.

    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
    Hey Charlie.

    We hear the sound of the mailbox opening and shutting,
    CHARLIE sees the shadow of the pizza box underneath the door.

    DELIVERY BOY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
    Have a good night, okay?

    We hear the sound of the DELIVERY BOY going down the stairs.
    CHARLIE looks at the door.


    INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

    CHARLIE is on his wheelchair, in front of the television. A
    pizza box sits on the couch with one piece uneaten and a few
    crusts here and there. CHARLIE is finishing the next-to-last
    slice when he notices ELLIE’s notebook sitting near the
    couch. Grabbing his reaching claw, he takes Ellie’s
    notebook.

    He takes the remote, turns off the television. He opens the
    notebook to the first page.

    Written in the notebook are three separate lines: “This
    apartment smells. This notebook is retarded. I hate
    everyone.”

    CHARLIE looks at it for a moment, then smiles broadly.

    CHARLIE
    (reading softly, to
    himself)
    “This apartment smells.
    (MORE)
    56.

    CHARLIE (CONT'D)
    This notebook is retarded. I hate
    everyone.”

    CHARLIE smiles wider. He begins to laugh a little. The
    laughter grows and soon it causes a sudden pain in his chest,
    the most severe he’s had so far. He grabs his chest,
    speaking softly to himself.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    I felt saddest of all when I read
    the boring chapters that were only
    descriptions of whales because I
    knew that the author was just
    trying to save us from his own sad
    story, just for a little while.
    This apartment smells.

    The pain in his chest starts to slowly subside. He takes a
    few deep breaths, starts to smile again.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    This apartment smells. This
    notebook is retarded. I hate
    everyone. The author was just
    trying to save us from his own sad
    story. I hate everyone. The
    author was just trying to--


    EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

    More shots of rolling hills in the Palouse, wind rushing over
    them. The images of the hills, as well as the sound of the
    wind, now distinctly resemble ocean waves. This time, the
    waves are more aggressive, more distinct.


    TITLE: THURSDAY


    INT. - LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

    CHARLIE in his wheelchair, with his laptop on his lap,
    speaking into a microphone.

    CHARLIE
    I read a recent post on the
    discussion forum about strategies
    for coming up with a good thesis.

    CHARLIE pulls up the discussion forum in a window on his
    computer.
    57.


    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    It says that I want you to--
    (reads)
    “Pick a sentence from the book and
    say it’s good or some shit.”

    Pause. CHARLIE sighs, closes the window on the computer.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    You don’t have any true reaction to
    these books, because I’ve taught
    you to edit your reactions, to
    reconfigure them so many times that
    you don’t--...

    CHARLIE stops, at a loss. He moves the microphone away from
    his mouth, is about to shut the computer.

    He has a thought, then stops. He thinks for a moment, then
    picks the microphone back up.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    How about this? Don’t write about
    the book. Forget the assignment,
    forget the readings. Hell, forget
    everything I’ve taught you about
    what makes a good essay and just--
    write me something honest. Okay?
    Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

    Summary Charlie has a tumultuous, emotional night filled with frustration and shame. He has a confrontational interaction with a delivery boy who shares his name. Afterwards, Charlie finds his daughter's notebook with negative remarks about him, but instead of feeling hurt, he finds humor in it. The scene transitions to shots of the Palouse landscape resembling ocean waves. The next day, Charlie speaks into a microphone, expressing his frustration with teaching and encourages honesty in writing.
    Strengths "Strong emotional portrayal of Charlie's turmoil, thematic exploration of honesty in writing"
    Weaknesses "Pacing, dialogue dynamics"

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 7

    The scene effectively conveys Charlie's emotional state and the tension in his interactions with others. It also introduces a theme of honesty. However, the scene could benefit from stronger pacing and more dynamic dialogue.


    Story Content

    Concept: 6

    The concept of Charlie's internal struggle and reflection is interesting and relatable. The theme of honesty in writing adds depth to the scene.

    Plot: 6

    The plot moves forward as Charlie has various interactions and experiences emotional turmoil. However, the plot could be more cohesive and focused.

    Originality: 5

    This scene does not present any highly original situations or unique approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and relatable.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Charlie's character is well-developed and his emotions are portrayed effectively. The delivery boy adds a brief but interesting interaction. Ellie's character is not prominent in this scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Charlie experiences emotional turmoil and reflection, showcasing growth and self-awareness.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to express his frustration and anger at his physical condition and his feelings of isolation.

    External Goal: 7

    Charlie's external goal in this scene is to receive his pizza delivery and have a brief interaction with the delivery boy.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    There is tension in Charlie's interactions with the delivery boy and internal conflict in his own emotions and thoughts.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is relatively strong as Charlie faces both internal struggles and unexpected kindness from the delivery boy, creating uncertainty about how he will respond.

    High Stakes: 4

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on internal struggles and emotional growth.

    Story Forward: 6

    The scene provides insight into Charlie's emotional state and sets up the theme of honesty in writing for future development.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene has some unpredictability due to the unexpected interaction between Charlie and the delivery boy, but the overall plot progression and character development are relatively straightforward.

    Philosophical Conflict: 8

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Charlie's feelings of anger and frustration towards his circumstances, and the unexpected kindness and openness displayed by the delivery boy.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene effectively captures Charlie's emotional turmoil and struggles, evoking empathy from the viewer.

    Dialogue: 5

    The dialogue is realistic and conveys the emotions of the characters. However, it could be more engaging and dynamic.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it explores the protagonist's emotional state and introduces an unexpected interaction with the delivery boy, creating intrigue and potential for further development.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing and rhythm of this scene effectively contribute to its effectiveness by creating tension through the protagonist's emotional outburst and then providing a moment of calm and reflection.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and formatted character names and dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a dramatic scene in a screenplay. It has a clear beginning, middle (delivery boy interaction), and end, leading to a new scene on the following page.


    Critique Overall, the scene effectively conveys the internal struggle and emotions of the main character, Charlie. Here are some specific critiques and suggestions for improvement:

    1. Improve the scene description: The scene descriptions are simple and lack detail. Add more visual and sensory details to paint a vivid picture of the scene for the reader. Focus on key elements that contribute to the mood and atmosphere, such as lighting and sounds.

    2. Develop the emotional arc: While the scene captures Charlie's frustration and anger initially, it would benefit from a clearer progression of emotions. Show a gradual transition from anger to shame to eventual acceptance and calmness. This would create a more nuanced portrayal of Charlie's emotional journey.

    3. Deepen the character development: We get a glimpse into Charlie's character through his actions, but more could be done to develop him further. Show his vulnerability and resilience, as well as any specific quirks or traits that make him unique. This will make the audience connect with him on a deeper level.

    4. Strengthen the dialogue: The dialogue between Charlie and the delivery boy lacks depth. Consider adding subtext and layers to their conversation to reveal more about Charlie's state of mind and his relationship with the outside world. This can be achieved through indirect communication, pauses, and non-verbal cues.

    5. Clarify the connection between scenes: The transition between scenes can be made smoother and more cohesive. Provide a clearer link or thread that connects the different moments, such as a recurring theme or motif. This will help the scenes flow seamlessly and create a stronger narrative structure.

    Remember, these are just suggestions for improvement. The final decision rests with the writer and their vision for the story.
    Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

    1. Clarify the physical actions: Provide more specific actions for Charlie as he wheels himself back towards the couch. Instead of just stating that he wheezes heavily, show how he struggles to breathe and the effort it takes for him to move.

    2. Show Charlie's emotional state: Explore Charlie's emotions in a more nuanced way. Instead of just stating that he is immediately ashamed after breaking the lamp, show his internal conflict and the mix of anger, frustration, and regret he feels.

    3. Add dialogue to the delivery boy scene: Instead of just having Charlie and the delivery boy exchange a few lines, consider adding more dialogue to deepen their interaction. This can help reveal more about Charlie's character and his relationship with the outside world.

    4. Develop the connection to Ellie's notebook: Instead of simply having Charlie find Ellie's notebook and react to its contents, find a way to connect it to his own story or emotions. This will make the moment more meaningful and help to further develop his character arc.

    5. Consider visuals to accompany Charlie's speech: In the final scene with Charlie speaking into a microphone, consider adding visuals to accompany his words. This can help to create a more engaging and dynamic scene on screen.

    Overall, focus on creating stronger visuals, deeper emotional moments, and meaningful connections between the different elements of the scene.



    Scene 17 - Father and Daughter
    INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

    ELLIE stands near the doorway, holding her backpack.

    ELLIE
    You have it?

    CHARLIE
    It’s almost done. You can wait
    while I finish it?

    ELLIE looks at the door, annoyed. Finally she relents, comes
    inside and sits on the recliner. She pulls out her phone.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    While you’re here, maybe you could
    write a little more in your
    notebook?

    CHARLIE pulls out ELLIE’s notebook, extends it to her.
    58.


    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    You’ve only written a couple
    sentences so far, can you write
    more?

    ELLIE turns to him, looks him straight in the eye.

    ELLIE
    I kind of hate you.

    CHARLIE
    Yeah, but you hate everyone.

    CHARLIE smiles broadly at her, ELLIE rolls her eyes and looks
    away.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    Look just keep going, forget the
    poem, just write whatever you want,
    whatever you’re thinking--

    ELLIE
    Shut up, just--.

    ELLIE fumes, then grabs the notebook out of CHARLIE’s hand.
    She finds a pen, plops down into a chair and opens it up.
    She stares at the blank page. Finally, she starts to write a
    little.

    CHARLIE looks at her lovingly. Pause. After a moment he
    wheels himself a little closer to her, speaking tentatively.

    CHARLIE
    You know, I... I was in a strange
    place in my life when I married
    your mom--

    ELLIE
    Did I fucking ask?

    CHARLIE
    Sorry, I just--
    (pause)
    Look, I understand that you’re
    angry.

    ELLIE slams the notebook onto the floor, buries her face in
    her hands.

    ELLIE
    Oh my God.
    59.


    CHARLIE
    But you don’t need to be angry at
    the whole world, just be angry at
    me--

    ELLIE
    You know what?! You can’t throw me
    away like a piece of garbage and
    then suddenly want to be my dad
    thirteen years later just because
    you’re dying.

    CHARLIE
    I’ve always wanted to be your dad--

    ELLIE
    But you know what? I’m glad,
    because you taught me something
    very important: people are
    assholes. Most people learn that
    way too late, you taught me that
    when I was four. Thank you for
    that.

    ELLIE takes the notebook off the ground, starts writing
    again. Silence.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    You know you could’ve...

    CHARLIE
    What?

    Pause.

    ELLIE
    You could’ve been sending us money.
    If you have all that money and
    wanted to be a part of my life so
    bad, you could have been sending
    money to my mom.

    CHARLIE
    I did.

    ELLIE
    I mean more than just child
    support.

    Pause. ELLIE continues to write in the notebook. CHARLIE
    moves toward her in the wheelchair. He reaches out, puts a
    hand on the notebook. ELLIE stops writing.
    60.


    CHARLIE
    I did.
    (pause)
    I’ve wanted to see you for so long,
    Ellie. I wanted to be a part of
    your life, I wanted to reach out.

    Pause. ELLIE stares down, not looking at him.

    ELLIE
    So why didn’t you?

    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    Look at me, Ellie, I don’t--. Who
    would want me to be a part of their
    life?

    Pause. ELLIE finally looks at him.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    When I lost him, I started to think
    I ruined everything I touched. I
    know that’s a terrible excuse.

    CHARLIE turns away, growing upset. ELLIE watches him.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    (softly)
    I’m just sorry, Ellie. I’m so, so
    sorry.

    CHARLIE looks up at her, ELLIE stares back at him. It’s the
    closest they’ve been to one another yet. After a moment,
    ELLIE looks back down, CHARLIE takes his hand back.

    ELLIE writes a few more words, then closes the notebook.

    ELLIE
    I’m hungry.

    Pause.

    CHARLIE
    There’s stuff for sandwiches in the
    kitchen.

    ELLIE gets up, goes to the kitchen. She is about to open the
    fridge when she stops, turns around, and goes back to
    CHARLIE.
    61.


    ELLIE
    I’ll make you one, but it’s gonna
    be small. And I’m only using
    turkey or chicken, and no
    mayonnaise.

    CHARLIE
    (smiling)
    Thank you.

    ELLIE turns around, goes back to the kitchen. She opens up
    the fridge, takes out cold cuts, mustard, bread.

    She opens a jar of mustard, finds a breadknife. CHARLIE
    looks at her, smiling.

    ELLIE looks at him, stops.

    ELLIE
    What?

    CHARLIE
    No, it’s just--.
    (pause)
    You’re an amazing person, Ellie.

    Silence. CHARLIE smiles broadly at her, ELLIE stares back at
    him.

    CHARLIE (CONT’D)
    I’ll work on the essay now. Have
    it done soon.

    CHARLIE pulls up his computer, opens a blank document, starts
    typing. ELLIE looks down at the breadknife in her hand.

    As CHARLIE types, ELLIE silently digs the knife into the
    kitchen counter, gouging the surface of the counter.

    After a moment, we hear the sound of flapping wings. ELLIE
    looks at the window, sees the bird from before eating bread
    crumbs off the plate. She stares at it.
    Genres: ["drama"]

    Summary Charlie and Ellie have an intense and emotionally charged conversation about their relationship. Ellie expresses her anger towards Charlie for leaving her and her mother, while Charlie expresses his regret and tries to explain himself. They both reach a moment of understanding and connection. Ellie then offers to make Charlie a sandwich, showing a small act of kindness.
    Strengths "Realistic dialogue, emotional depth, character growth"
    Weaknesses "Limited plot development"

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is emotionally impactful and moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Charlie and Ellie. The dialogue is realistic and reveals important character dynamics.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a father-daughter reconciliation is engaging and relatable. The scene effectively portrays the complexities of their relationship and their struggle to communicate.

    Plot: 7

    The conflict between Charlie and Ellie drives the scene, with their conflicting emotions and attempts at understanding. The scene does not introduce major plot developments, but deepens the character relationships.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a strained father-daughter relationship is familiar, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a fresh and realistic perspective.


    Character Development

    Characters: 10

    Charlie and Ellie are well-developed and their emotions and actions feel authentic. Their dynamic and growth throughout the scene is compelling.

    Character Changes: 9

    Both Charlie and Ellie experience growth and a shift in their perspectives during the scene. They reach a moment of understanding and connection.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express her anger towards her father and confront him about his absence in her life.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make sandwiches for her father.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Ellie's anger and Charlie's guilt creates tension throughout the scene. They clash and struggle to understand each other.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist confronts her father about his absence and expresses her anger towards him. The uncertainty of how the father will respond adds to the tension.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes in the scene revolve around the emotional connection between Charlie and Ellie. It is not a life or death situation, but the emotional impact is high.

    Story Forward: 7

    While the scene doesn't introduce major plot developments, it deepens the characters' relationships and sets the stage for further exploration of their dynamics.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it includes moments of emotional intensity and unexpected reactions from the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conversation will unfold.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief that people are assholes and her father's desire to redeem himself and be a part of her life. This conflict challenges the protagonist's worldview and her ability to forgive and let go of her anger.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 10

    The scene is filled with intense emotions, ranging from anger to regret to moments of connection. It evokes a strong emotional response from the audience.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and vulnerability in the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it captures the emotional conflict between the characters and creates a sense of anticipation and tension. The dialogue and actions reveal the characters' motivations and desires, keeping the audience invested in the scene.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of tension and reflection to be fully felt. It is well-balanced, providing enough time for the characters' emotions and thoughts to be conveyed.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The character names are capitalized and centered, the actions are properly indented, and the dialogue is formatted correctly with character names and dialogue lines separated.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, includes dialogue and character actions, and ends with a moment of tension and reflection.


    Critique Overall, this scene effectively portrays the tension and complicated dynamics between Ellie and Charlie. The dialogue reveals their true feelings towards each other and their unresolved issues. Here are some specific points to consider for critique:

    1. Visual description: The scene lacks specific visual details that would enhance the overall visual imagery. Adding specific actions, gestures, and expressions of the characters would make the scene more vivid and engaging.

    2. Character development: Both Ellie and Charlie have strong personalities, but more could be done to deepen their characters. Ellie's annoyance and frustration could be explored further to show her emotional journey. Charlie's remorse and vulnerability could also be explored to give the audience a better understanding of why he wants to be part of Ellie's life.

    3. Pacing: The pacing of the scene feels rushed in some places, particularly when Ellie quickly relents and sits down after being annoyed. Slowing down the pace and adding more beats would give the scene room to breathe and allow the emotional beats to land.

    4. Conflict and resolution: The central conflict between Ellie and Charlie is clear, but the resolution feels slightly abrupt. It might benefit from more exploration of their emotions and a gradual build-up to their reconciliation. The transition from anger to forgiveness could be more gradual and nuanced.

    5. Symbolism: The presence of the bird eating bread crumbs could be further explored to add depth and symbolism to the scene. It could represent Ellie's desire for freedom or her longing for a sense of belonging.

    Overall, this scene has strong emotional moments and engaging dialogue, but it would benefit from further development in terms of character depth, visual description, and pacing.
    Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

    1. Add more visual description: Provide more specific details about the setting, characters' actions, and facial expressions to make the scene more vivid and engaging for the reader. For example, instead of simply stating that Ellie looks annoyed, describe her body language or her facial expression that conveys her annoyance.

    2. Show instead of tell: Instead of having the characters explicitly state their emotions or thoughts, try to show them through their actions, body language, or dialogue. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging. For example, instead of having Charlie say, "You know, I... I was in a strange place in my life when I married your mom," show his hesitation in his speech or his uncomfortable gestures.

    3. Build up tension: Create a stronger sense of conflict and tension between the characters. You can do this by having them engage in more confrontational dialogue or by adding more emotional intensity to their interactions. Explore the deeper emotions and motivations driving their actions and reactions.

    4. Make the dialogue more natural: Ensure that the dialogue flows naturally and sounds realistic. Consider how people actually speak in real life and how they might express their emotions or thoughts in a more natural way.

    5. Utilize subtext: Look for opportunities to include subtext in the dialogue or actions of the characters. This can add depth and layers to the scene, as it allows for more nuanced and complex communication between the characters. For example, instead of having Ellie directly say that she hates Charlie, perhaps she can say something that implies it indirectly.

    6. Consider the pacing and structure: Evaluate the pacing and structure of the scene. Are the emotional beats properly developed and timed? Does the scene flow smoothly and naturally, or are there any sections that feel too rushed or too slow? Adjust the timing and structure to enhance the emotional impact and keep the reader engaged.

    By incorporating these suggestions, you can elevate the scene and make it more impactful and compelling for the audience.



    Scene 18 - Ambien Sandwiches
    INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

    CHARLIE is asleep in the wheelchair, with a mostly eaten
    sandwich in his lap. ELLIE sits on the couch, a plate with a
    half-eaten sandwich sits on the coffee table in front of her.

    ELLIE stares at CHARLIE, who is snoring lightly.
    62.


    ELLIE lifts her hands to her mouth. She’s holding a small
    marijuana pipe and a lighter. She takes a hit, blowing it in
    CHARLIE’s direction.

    A knock at the door. ELLIE freezes, not knowing what to do.

    Another knock. Finally, ELLIE stands up.

    ELLIE
    Yeah?!

    THOMAS
    (calling out)
    I, uh... Hello?

    ELLIE pauses, recognizing the voice. She moves to the door
    and swings it open. THOMAS stands in the doorway.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    Oh, hi.

    THOMAS sees the pipe in ELLIE’s hand.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    Are you--?

    ELLIE
    Come in.

    THOMAS cautiously makes his way inside, ELLIE shuts the door
    behind him. THOMAS sees CHARLIE.

    THOMAS
    Is he--?

    THOMAS goes to CHARLIE, looking at him.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    Is he okay?

    ELLIE
    I don’t know. I ground up some
    Ambien and put it in his sandwich.

    THOMAS
    Wait, what?

    ELLIE
    I only gave him a couple, he’s
    fine. I can take three at a time.

    ELLIE moves to the couch, sits down.
    63.


    THOMAS
    You have--? Where did you get
    Ambien?

    ELLIE
    I had sex with a pharmacist.

    THOMAS looks at her.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Just kidding, gross. My mom pops
    them like tic-tacs.

    THOMAS
    I don’t know if he should be
    taking...

    ELLIE takes a hit from the pipe. THOMAS watches her.

    ELLIE
    (exhaling)
    Does this make you nervous?

    THOMAS looks away.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    It’s just pot. It’s not like I’m
    smoking crack or anything.

    THOMAS
    I know what--. I know what pot is.

    ELLIE
    You only think you know what pot is
    because your parents told you a
    bunch of lies about it.

    THOMAS
    I’m not an idiot, I’ve smoked pot
    before.

    ELLIE
    Really?

    THOMAS is about to respond, then stops himself. He moves
    toward the door.

    THOMAS
    Okay, look just tell him I was here
    and I’ll--

    ELLIE
    If you leave I’ll feed him the rest
    of the pills I have in the bottle.
    64.


    THOMAS stops, turns to ELLIE.

    THOMAS
    What?

    ELLIE takes her backpack, reaches inside, pulls out a bottle
    of prescription pills. She examines the bottle.

    ELLIE
    There’s like twenty or thirty more,
    I’ll crush them up and put them in
    some water and pour it down his
    throat.

    THOMAS goes to ELLIE.

    THOMAS
    Why would you say that?

    ELLIE
    Sit down.

    THOMAS
    You wouldn’t actually do that,
    would you?

    ELLIE
    Sit down.

    THOMAS looks at her for a moment, then sits down on the couch
    next to her, maintaining his distance.

    ELLIE looks at him, THOMAS looks away.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Why do you keep coming back here?

    THOMAS
    He needs help, he needs God in his
    life right now.

    ELLIE
    That’s a stupid reason. Do you
    think he wants to have sex with
    you? That’s so gross, oh my God,
    take a hit.

    ELLIE extends the pipe to THOMAS.

    THOMAS
    He doesn’t--! I don’t want to--!
    65.


    ELLIE
    If you don’t take a hit I’m gonna
    call the police and tell them you
    tried to rape me. Take a hit.

    THOMAS stares at her, incredulous.

    THOMAS
    I don’t understand you at all.

    ELLIE
    Oh my God.

    They stare at each other for a moment. Finally, THOMAS
    relents and takes the pipe.

    THOMAS
    Is there a carb on this?

    ELLIE
    Oo, I’m so impressed.

    THOMAS
    I wasn’t trying to--

    ELLIE
    There isn’t a carb.

    THOMAS pauses, then tentatively lights the pipe and takes a
    hit. Before he’s done inhaling, ELLIE takes out her iPhone
    and takes a picture of him.

    THOMAS coughs violently, almost drops the pipe.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Calm down.

    THOMAS
    What are you gonna do with that
    picture?!

    ELLIE
    I’m gonna masturbate to it. Is
    that what you want me to say?
    You’re a pervert, take another hit.

    THOMAS stares at her. Pause. ELLIE sighs, buries her face
    in her hands.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Look, I’m just fucking with you,
    alright? I’m not gonna kill
    anyone, I’m not gonna tell anyone
    you raped me.
    66.


    Pause.

    THOMAS
    You’re not going to give him more
    Ambien?

    ELLIE rolls her eyes, shakes her head.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    Why do you keep coming back here?

    ELLIE
    I don’t know.

    THOMAS
    Seriously, if you hate him so much--

    ELLIE
    I’m done answering questions now.

    Pause. THOMAS looks at the pipe in his hand for a moment.

    THOMAS
    Can I...?

    THOMAS indicates the pipe. ELLIE gives him a smile, nods.

    THOMAS considers for a moment, then takes another hit--a
    larger one than before. He exhales.

    ELLIE takes another photo of him with her iPhone.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    I really wish you wouldn’t do that--

    ELLIE
    Do you find me attractive?

    Pause. THOMAS looks at her, caught off-guard.

    THOMAS
    I--

    ELLIE
    Because I’m not attracted to you at
    all, just to let you know.

    Pause. ELLIE looks at THOMAS, who is a little hurt. She
    rolls her eyes, gets up, goes into the kitchen, looking for
    food.
    67.


    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Oh my God grow up, maybe someone
    else finds you attractive, just not
    me. Maybe my dad finds you
    attractive.

    THOMAS
    I really wish you wouldn’t--

    ELLIE
    It’s so easy to make you
    uncomfortable. You can cash that
    out.

    Pause.

    THOMAS
    You don’t mind?

    ELLIE shakes her head. THOMAS takes another large hit. He’s
    pretty high by this point. ELLIE finds a bag of potato
    chips, comes back into the main room. She eats the chips as
    she talks.

    THOMAS (CONT’D)
    If my parents knew that I was
    getting high, that I was getting
    high while I was out witnessing for
    the church--

    ELLIE
    You’re not from that church.

    Pause.

    THOMAS
    What?

    Pause. ELLIE continues to eat potato chips, moves back to
    the couch and sits next to THOMAS.

    ELLIE
    There’s a kid a grade below me who
    goes to New Life. He said they
    stopped doing door-to-door stuff
    last year when a lady was out
    preaching or whatever and some guy
    invited her into his apartment and
    showed her his penis.
    (pause)
    I called the church, and they said
    they’ve never heard of you.
    68.


    Pause. THOMAS stares at ELLIE for a second, then starts to
    stand up.

    THOMAS
    I need to--

    ELLIE
    What are you doing here, really?

    THOMAS gathers his things, shaky on his feet. He goes to the
    door.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    Wait--

    THOMAS heads to the door, ELLIE jumps up from the couch,
    getting between THOMAS and the door.

    THOMAS
    Please--

    ELLIE
    Just tell me!

    THOMAS turns around, dazed and panicked. He looks around the
    room, looks at the window, then heads down the hall. ELLIE
    follows him.

    THOMAS, panicked and unsure of what to do, goes into
    CHARLIE’s bedroom and shuts the door on ELLIE.

    ELLIE tries the door, THOMAS has locked it.

    ELLIE (CONT’D)
    C’mon, just tell me!

    THOMAS (O.S.)
    Why do you care?!

    ELLIE
    Because I think we have a
    blossoming friendship.

    Pause.
    Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

    Summary Charlie is asleep in his wheelchair while Ellie smokes marijuana. Thomas arrives, and Ellie threatens to drug Charlie with more Ambien if he leaves. Ellie and Thomas smoke together and have a tense and awkward conversation. Ellie teases and taunts Thomas, who eventually realizes he is not a member of the church he claims to represent and leaves in a panic. Ellie confronts Thomas and locks him in Charlie's room, demanding answers.
    Strengths "The strengths of the scene lie in its intense and emotionally charged atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the dynamic between the characters."
    Weaknesses "One potential weakness is that the scene could further develop and explore its themes of trust, identity, and power dynamics."

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene has a high rating due to its intense and emotionally charged atmosphere, as well as its ability to keep the audience engaged through unpredictable dialogue and character dynamics.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of the scene is unique and compelling, blending elements of drama, dark comedy, and psychological tension.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around Ellie's manipulation of Thomas, leading to his realization that he is not who he claims to be. It effectively adds tension and conflict to the overall story.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches, the characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and believable. The writer's voice adds an original element to the scene's execution.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene are complex and multifaceted, with Ellie displaying a mixture of vulnerability, defiance, and manipulation, while Thomas struggles with his identity and moral compass.

    Character Changes: 7

    Ellie and Thomas both experience a shift in their understanding of each other and their own identities during the scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to provoke a reaction from Thomas and gain some sort of control or power over him. This reflects Ellie's deeper desire for control and her need to assert herself in the situation.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to keep Thomas engaged and present in the conversation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of their interact