Read The whale with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Critical Reflections
Opening credits over black.

As credits continue, we begin to hear:

CHARLIE (V.O.)
“There were many aspects to the
book The Great Gatsby. But I was
bored by it because it was about
people I don’t care about and they
do things I don’t understand. In
conclusion, The Great Gatsby wasn’t
so great, LOL.”

Pause. The sound of typing on a laptop, a mouse clicking.
Titles continue.

We begin to see images of rolling crop fields from the
Palouse region of northwestern Idaho.

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The problems here are painfully
obvious. No discernible thesis,
almost no analysis whatsoever...
I’m going to post the entire paper,
what I want from you is a three to
four paragraph response providing
concrete ideas for revision.

The sound of a computer chiming. The images of the hills
continue, beginning to vaguely resemble ocean waves.

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Also, those of you who haven’t
given me paper four, I need it by
Friday, no exceptions.

TITLE: THE WHALE

CHARLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
And remember: the more revision you
do, the better. The more you
change, chances are the stronger
these papers will be. Alright?


TITLE: MONDAY
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this opening scene, Charlie, a teacher, critiques a student's lackluster paper on The Great Gatsby through a voice-over, highlighting its flaws and emphasizing the need for revisions. As he instructs students on the importance of submitting quality work, visuals transition from a black screen to picturesque crop fields in Idaho, symbolizing the potential for growth and improvement. The scene sets a tone of academic rigor and frustration, concluding with a reminder of an impending deadline.
Strengths
  • Unique opening approach
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective tone setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited character presence
  • Minimal plot development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5

The scene effectively sets up the tone and themes of the screenplay with a mix of humor and critical analysis. It engages the audience with its unique approach to introducing the main character and the academic setting.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a critical voice-over to introduce the main character and academic challenges is innovative and engaging. It sets the stage for character development and academic exploration, promising depth and complexity in the narrative.

Plot: 7

While the plot is not heavily developed in this scene, it effectively establishes the academic setting and hints at future conflicts and character growth. It serves as a strong foundation for the story to unfold.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to academic critique by blending it with visual imagery of nature, adding authenticity to Charlie's character through his critical yet relatable commentary.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

The scene introduces the main character, Charlie, through his critical voice-over and academic demands. While other characters are not present, Charlie's voice and personality shine through, setting up expectations for his development and interactions.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up expectations for Charlie's growth and development. The scene hints at potential transformations and challenges ahead, laying the groundwork for character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to assert his intellectual superiority and critique the academic work of others. This reflects his need for validation of his intelligence and his desire to stand out intellectually.

External Goal: 6

Charlie's external goal is to remind students of upcoming deadlines and emphasize the importance of revision. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing student submissions and maintaining academic standards.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is minimal in this scene, primarily focusing on academic demands and expectations. However, it hints at potential conflicts to come, setting up anticipation for future developments.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the challenge of meeting deadlines and revising academic work adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to Charlie's narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing on academic demands and character introductions. However, it hints at higher stakes to come, setting up anticipation for future challenges and conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the main character, setting up the academic context, and hinting at future conflicts and developments. It engages the audience and creates momentum for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected juxtaposition of academic critique with natural imagery, creating a sense of intrigue and complexity in Charlie's character.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene lies in the contrast between Charlie's critical, dismissive attitude towards 'The Great Gatsby' and the traditional reverence for classic literature. This challenges Charlie's beliefs about the value of academic work and the importance of critical analysis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily through humor and the anticipation of character development. While not deeply emotional, it engages the audience and sets up emotional connections for future scenes.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, blending humor with academic seriousness. It effectively conveys Charlie's personality and sets the tone for future interactions and conflicts. The dialogue engages the audience and establishes the academic setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the blend of intellectual critique, relatable dialogue, and visual transitions that keep the audience intrigued and curious about Charlie's character.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively balances Charlie's monologue with visual transitions, creating a rhythmic flow that maintains audience interest and builds tension around his critiques and deadlines.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the expected style for a screenplay, effectively conveying the dialogue, voice-over, and visual cues to guide the reader and viewer.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, starting with Charlie's critique and transitioning to visual imagery, effectively engaging the audience and setting up the narrative tone.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively uses voice-over to introduce Charlie's character as a sharp, critical English teacher, which immediately establishes his personality and profession. This is a strong choice for setting the tone, as it mirrors the film's themes of revision, self-improvement, and critical analysis, but it risks feeling overly expository if not balanced with visual elements, potentially alienating viewers who expect a more dynamic start to a film. The humor in the student's paper critique, ending with 'LOL,' adds a layer of levity and humanizes Charlie, making him relatable, yet it could be more integrated to show his wit through action or interaction rather than monologue alone.
  • The visual transition from a black screen with credits to rolling crop fields in the Palouse region, which vaguely resemble ocean waves, is a poetic and thematic device that foreshadows the Moby Dick motifs prevalent in the story. This subtle symbolism works well to create a dream-like atmosphere and connect to Charlie's internal struggles, but it may not be immediately clear to all audiences, potentially confusing viewers who aren't familiar with the source material or the film's overarching themes. Additionally, the lack of on-screen action during this sequence could make it feel slow-paced for an opening scene, which is crucial for hooking the audience.
  • The incorporation of sound effects, such as typing on a laptop, mouse clicking, and a computer chiming, effectively grounds the voice-over in a mundane, everyday setting, reinforcing Charlie's role as an online teacher. However, this auditory detail might overshadow the visual elements, making the scene feel more like a radio play than a cinematic experience. Furthermore, the voice-over's instructional tone, while authentic to Charlie's character, could come across as didactic, potentially distancing viewers if it doesn't evolve quickly into more emotional or narrative-driven content in subsequent scenes.
  • The appearance of the titles 'THE WHALE' and 'MONDAY' during the voice-over is standard for screenplays, but their placement could be optimized to enhance dramatic effect. For instance, revealing 'THE WHALE' earlier might build intrigue, while 'MONDAY' helps establish the timeline, tying into the film's structure. Overall, the scene successfully plants seeds for the story's exploration of revision and change, but it might benefit from a stronger visual hook to immediately convey the protagonist's isolation and physicality, which becomes central later, to create a more cohesive introduction.
Suggestions
  • To increase engagement, incorporate brief visual flashes of Charlie's environment or his physical state during the voice-over, such as quick cuts to his cluttered apartment or his hands typing, to make the scene more dynamic and less reliant on audio alone, drawing viewers in visually from the start.
  • Refine the voice-over dialogue to be more concise and character-revealing, perhaps by adding personal anecdotes or emotional undertones that hint at Charlie's own struggles with revision in his life, making the critique of the student's paper feel more introspective and less purely instructional.
  • Enhance the symbolic transition of the crop fields to ocean waves by adding subtle sound design or color grading that emphasizes the wave-like motion, ensuring it's accessible and not too abstract, and consider tying it more explicitly to Charlie's voice-over to strengthen thematic connections without being overt.
  • Experiment with the pacing by shortening the credit sequence or intercutting it with more immediate action, such as the sound of Charlie's heavy breathing or a glimpse of his reflection, to foreshadow his health issues and create a sense of urgency that propels the audience into the story.
  • Consider adding a visual or auditory cue at the end of the scene that directly transitions to Scene 2, like a fade to the apartment or a sound bridge, to make the shift smoother and reinforce the continuity between Charlie's professional and personal worlds.



Scene 2 -  Desperate Connections
INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A squalid, desolate one-bedroom apartment. Empty food
containers everywhere, nothing has been properly cleaned for
months if not years.
2.


Present in the apartment are: a television, a couch covered
with a soiled bedsheet, a recliner, a rolling desk with a
laptop on top, towels, various two-liter soda bottles, a mini-
fridge.

CHARLIE, a man in his 40s weighing around 600 pounds, is on
the couch in front of his laptop, masturbating to gay porn.

He struggles to reach his penis, bending over awkwardly. His
breathing becomes more shallow as he maneuvers his hand
around his stomach.

Suddenly, he has sharp pain in his chest. He doubles over.

He starts to reach for his cellphone but has another surge of
pain. He accidentally knocks the cellphone to the floor, it
bounces underneath the couch.

He leans back, struggling to calm himself down. The gay porn
continues to play in the background.

In his panic, he leans over toward the mini-fridge, grabbing
a folder off the top of it. Inside the folder is a well-worn
essay with a “D-” grade written on the cover page. The title
of the essay is “Moby Dick”. He looks at it.

A knock at the door. CHARLIE looks.

CHARLIE
Liz?!

Pause. Another knock at the door.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s not locked, just come in! I
need help, I--!

The door opens and THOMAS, 19, appears. He wears a shirt and
tie, holds a few books.

THOMAS
Oh my God.
(pause)
Oh, gosh, are you--? Should I call
an ambulance?

THOMAS notices the gay porn, still playing. CHARLIE reaches
forward and shuts the laptop. THOMAS starts frantically
searching for a telephone. CHARLIE extends the essay to him.

CHARLIE
Read this to me.

THOMAS continues to search for the phone.
3.


THOMAS
I don’t have a cell phone, where’s
your--?

CHARLIE
Please just read it to me.

THOMAS looks at him, unsure of what to do.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
PLEASE JUST READ IT TO ME!

THOMAS grabs the essay from CHARLIE.

THOMAS
Okay, okay--!
(reading quickly)
“In the amazing book Moby Dick by
the author Herman Melville, the
author recounts his story of being
at sea. In the first part of his
book the author, calling himself
Ishmael, is in a small seaside town
and he is sharing a bed with a man
named Queequeg--” What is this,
why am I reading this?! I need to--

CHARLIE
Just read it, any of it!

THOMAS
(reads)
“I was very saddened by this book,
and I felt many emotions for the
characters. And I felt saddest of
all when I read the boring chapters
that were only descriptions of
whales, because I knew the author
was just trying to save us from his
own sad story, just for a little
while.”

CHARLIE’s breathing begins to return to normal. The pain
starts to slowly subside.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(reading)
“This book made me think about my
own life, and then it made me feel
glad for my...”
(pause)
Did that--help?
4.


CHARLIE takes a few deep breaths, lies back on the couch. He
grabs a towel, wipes the sweat off his face.

CHARLIE
Yes. Yes, it--.

Pause.

THOMAS
Where’s your phone? I need to call
an ambulance.

CHARLIE
I don’t go to hospitals.

THOMAS
Look I can’t help you, I don’t--

CHARLIE
I don’t go to hospitals.
(pause)
Sorry. You can go, I’m sorry.
Thank you for reading that to me.

CHARLIE reaches for the essay, THOMAS gives it to him.
THOMAS eyes the door, then turns back to CHARLIE, unsure of
what to do.

THOMAS
Are you sure you’re okay?

CHARLIE nods, carefully putting the essay back into the
folder.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Okay.

THOMAS looks at CHARLIE for a moment longer, then heads
toward the door. He is almost out of the apartment when he
stops, looks back at CHARLIE. CHARLIE looks at him.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(tentative)
Do you know the gospel of Jesus
Christ?

Pause.

CHARLIE
What?
5.


THOMAS
I represent New Life Church? I’m
sharing Christ’s message of love
and--...

THOMAS trails off. An awkward silence, THOMAS looks down.

CHARLIE
Listen, I should call my friend.
She’s a nurse, she--takes care of
me.

THOMAS looks up, takes a few steps toward CHARLIE.

THOMAS
Oh. Yeah, sure, do you have--?

CHARLIE
My cellphone fell under there, can
you--?

CHARLIE points under the couch. THOMAS goes to the couch,
bends down. He reaches under the couch, hesitates a bit when
he sees the old trash and wrappers stuffed underneath. He
finds the phone, gives it to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Look I--. I don’t know what’s
gonna happen in the next few
minutes, if you don’t mind, could
you...?

Pause. THOMAS considers.

THOMAS
Yeah, of course.

CHARLIE
Thank you.

CHARLIE looks up a number on his cellphone. THOMAS closes
the door.

THOMAS
What was--? That thing you had me
read to you?

CHARLIE
It’s an essay. It’s my job, I
teach online classes on expository
writing.
6.


THOMAS
But why did you want me to read it
to you?

Pause. CHARLIE pushes send, puts the phone to his ear.

CHARLIE
Because I thought I was dying. And
I wanted to hear it one last time.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a neglected one-bedroom apartment, Charlie, a 600-pound man, faces a health crisis while engaging in a moment of vulnerability. After experiencing chest pain, he panics and asks Thomas, a young church representative, to read his poorly graded essay on 'Moby Dick' instead of calling for an ambulance. As Thomas reads, Charlie's pain subsides, revealing his fear of mortality. Despite Thomas's insistence on seeking medical help, Charlie opts to contact his nurse friend, leading to an unexpected bond between the two amidst the tension of the situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of desperation and vulnerability through the characters' actions and dialogue. It sets up a compelling dynamic between the two characters and hints at deeper emotional layers.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man facing a health crisis in a grim environment while seeking solace in his own writing is intriguing and sets up potential for character development and emotional exploration.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist faces a health scare and receives unexpected help, adding layers to the narrative and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on themes of isolation, redemption, and the complexity of human emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with the protagonist's desperation and the young man's concern creating a compelling dynamic. Their interactions reveal depth and hint at potential growth.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a subtle shift from despair to a moment of connection and gratitude, hinting at potential growth and change in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and connection in a moment of crisis. This reflects his deeper need for understanding, validation, and a sense of purpose amidst his struggles and isolation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to seek help and potentially save his life during a medical emergency. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his health crisis and his aversion to seeking medical assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is primarily internal, as the protagonist grapples with his health crisis and reluctance to seek help. The external conflict arises from the unexpected arrival of the young man and their differing perspectives.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the protagonist's reluctance to seek help and the external threat of a medical emergency clash. The audience is left wondering how these conflicting forces will resolve.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the protagonist faces a life-threatening situation and must confront his own reluctance to seek help, setting the stage for potential consequences and character growth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a critical moment in the protagonist's journey and establishing a key relationship that may impact future events and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional turns, the protagonist's complex reactions, and the uncertain outcome of the medical emergency. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between accepting help and maintaining his self-imposed isolation. This challenges his beliefs about vulnerability, self-reliance, and the value of human connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the portrayal of the protagonist's vulnerability and the young man's concern, creating a poignant and tense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions and hinting at underlying tensions and vulnerabilities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, realistic portrayal of human struggles, and the dynamic interaction between the characters. The tension and vulnerability create a compelling narrative that draws the audience in.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, guiding the reader through the protagonist's escalating crisis and the evolving dynamics between the characters. The rhythm enhances the scene's impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, effectively guiding the reader through the character interactions and emotional beats. The scene's layout enhances the storytelling and character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's emotional impact and narrative progression.


Critique
  • This scene effectively establishes Charlie's physical and emotional vulnerability, introducing his severe health issues and isolation in a way that immerses the audience in his world. The contrast between the mundane act of masturbating and the sudden onset of chest pain creates a raw, intimate portrayal of his daily struggles, which aligns well with the overall theme of denial and human frailty seen in the script summary. However, the graphic depiction might come across as exploitative or overly sensational, potentially overshadowing the emotional depth and reinforcing negative stereotypes about obesity and sexuality, which could alienate some viewers. To improve reader understanding, it's clear that this moment is crucial for setting up Charlie's character arc, but the abruptness of the pain and its quick resolution through the essay reading feels somewhat contrived, lacking a gradual build-up that would make the stakes feel more real and less like a plot device.
  • The interaction with Thomas is a strong point, as it introduces conflict and a new character dynamically, highlighting themes of intrusion, help, and spiritual outreach. Thomas's reluctance and eventual compliance in reading the essay build tension and reveal Charlie's desperation, making the scene emotionally engaging. That said, Thomas's character feels underdeveloped here; his quick shift from concern to missionary zeal appears stereotypical and lacks nuance, which might make him seem like a one-dimensional foil rather than a complex individual. For the writer, this could be an opportunity to deepen Thomas's motivations earlier, as his background (revealed later in the script) isn't hinted at sufficiently, making his presence feel coincidental rather than integral to the narrative flow.
  • Dialogue in the scene is naturalistic and serves to reveal character traits efficiently—Charlie's insistence on the essay reading exposes his intellectual coping mechanism, while Thomas's awkward proselytizing underscores his youth and inexperience. However, some lines, like Charlie's repeated pleas to 'read it to me,' come across as overly insistent and could benefit from more subtext or variation to avoid repetition and heighten dramatic tension. From a reader's perspective, the essay excerpt itself is a clever callback to Scene 1's voice-over critique, reinforcing the theme of literature as an escape, but it might confuse audiences if not clearly connected, as the significance of 'Moby Dick' and its relation to Charlie's life isn't fully explored here, leaving it somewhat ambiguous.
  • Visually, the setting is vividly described, with details like the squalid apartment and scattered debris effectively conveying Charlie's neglect and decline, which supports the film's thematic elements of decay and isolation. The use of sound—such as the continuing gay porn in the background and Charlie's labored breathing—adds to the sensory immersion, making the scene feel lived-in. Critically, however, the pacing is uneven; the chest pain episode resolves too quickly, undermining the potential for sustained suspense, and the transition to Thomas's religious pitch feels abrupt, disrupting the emotional flow. This could be refined to better balance action and dialogue, ensuring the scene builds to a more satisfying climax.
  • Thematically, this scene adeptly foreshadows key elements of the story, such as Charlie's refusal to seek medical help and his reliance on literature for comfort, which ties into the broader narrative of regret and redemption. It also introduces the motif of unexpected human connections, as Thomas's reluctant act of kindness humanizes both characters. However, the scene's heavy focus on Charlie's physicality might overshadow his intellectual and emotional layers, making him appear more as a symbol of suffering than a fully realized person. For improvement, integrating more subtle hints about Charlie's past (e.g., through the essay or environment) could enrich the critique and help readers connect this scene to later developments, such as his relationships with Ellie and Liz.
Suggestions
  • Refine the opening sequence to make the masturbation less explicit by focusing on Charlie's internal struggle and physical limitations through close-ups of his face or hands, reducing potential shock value and emphasizing emotional vulnerability instead.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or visual flashback for Charlie when he grabs the essay, explaining why 'Moby Dick' is significant to him, to make his insistence on having it read feel more motivated and less abrupt.
  • Enhance Thomas's character introduction by including a small detail in his dialogue or actions that hints at his personal backstory (e.g., a nervous tic or a reference to his own isolation), making his decision to stay more believable and foreshadowing his arc.
  • Adjust the pacing of the chest pain episode to build tension more gradually—perhaps by extending the duration of Charlie's distress or adding physical actions that show the pain's intensity—before the relief from the essay reading, to increase realism and emotional impact.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the setting description, such as specific sounds (e.g., the hum of the mini-fridge) or smells (described through character reactions), to heighten immersion and reinforce the theme of decay without relying solely on visual clutter.
  • Strengthen the thematic connection to Scene 1 by having Charlie reference his teaching role more explicitly in his dialogue, such as tying the essay to his voice-over critique, to create a smoother narrative bridge and emphasize the importance of revision in his personal life.



Scene 3 -  Denial and Dilemmas
INT. - LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE, shirtless, sits on the couch as before. LIZ takes
his blood pressure with an oversized cuff. THOMAS stands in
a corner, trying not to look at CHARLIE.

LIZ
You should have called an
ambulance.

CHARLIE
With no health insurance?

LIZ
Being in debt is better than being
dead.

CHARLIE
I’m not--

LIZ
Sh.

CHARLIE takes a deep breath, sweat pouring down his face and
onto his chest. He grabs a towel, wipes his forehead.

LIZ listens for his blood pressure. She reads the high
number. Her eyes widen. CHARLIE looks at her.

CHARLIE
What?

LIZ
Sh.

LIZ reads the lower number. She looks at CHARLIE, then takes
off the cuff.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Tell me what you felt.
7.


CHARLIE
Pain, in my chest. It was hard to
breathe, I couldn’t intake air.

LIZ
How are you sleeping?

CHARLIE
I’m tired all the time. I’ve been
sleeping on the couch, I can
breathe better.

LIZ takes out a stethoscope. CHARLIE bends forward as best
as he can, LIZ listens to his breathing.

LIZ
You’re wheezing.

CHARLIE
I always wheeze, Liz.

LIZ
Deep breath.

CHARLIE takes a deep breath, it causes some pain in his
chest. He winces.

LIZ (CONT’D)
That hurt?

CHARLIE
What was my blood pressure?

LIZ takes the stethoscope out of her ears, grabs CHARLIE’s
shirt, putting it over CHARLIE’s head.

LIZ
238 over 134.

Pause. CHARLIE raises his arms, LIZ helps him put on the
shirt.

CHARLIE
Oh.

LIZ
Yeah. Oh.

LIZ pulls the shirt the rest of the way down CHARLIE’s torso.
THOMAS watches, uncomfortable.

CHARLIE reaches for his walker, unable to reach it.
8.


CHARLIE
Could you--? I haven’t been to the
bathroom all day, I’m ready to
explode.

LIZ hands CHARLIE his walker. She holds it to the floor,
putting all her weight on it, allowing CHARLIE to brace
himself on the walker and stand up. CHARLIE starts making
his way toward the bathroom, LIZ watches him.

LIZ
You need help?

CHARLIE
No, I’m fine, just--. Sorry.

LIZ
What are you sorry about?

CHARLIE
Sorry, I don’t know. Sorry.

CHARLIE makes his way down the hallway, wheezing heavily.
LIZ watches him, then turns to THOMAS. Awkward pause.

THOMAS
I should go.

LIZ
Thank you. For helping him.

THOMAS starts gathering his things, about to head toward the
door.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You out spreading the Word?

THOMAS stops.

THOMAS
What?

LIZ
You’re from New Life, right?

Pause. THOMAS nods, smiles slightly at her. LIZ goes to the
couch, takes the bedsheet off of it.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You know Doug, from the church
council?
9.


THOMAS
Oh, yeah, I think so? I mean I’m
sort of new so I don’t--

LIZ
He’s my dad.

LIZ throws the dirty bedsheet into a hamper, then goes to a
closet and gets a clean one.

THOMAS
Oh really? Oh that’s--that’s
really great, I didn’t realize
you--. I’ve never seen you there--

LIZ
I fucking hate New Life.

LIZ spreads the clean bedsheet over the couch.

THOMAS
Oh.

LIZ
My dad forced me to go when I was a
kid. It was awful, growing up with
all that end times bullshit...
You’re young, you really wanna
believe the world is gonna end?

THOMAS considers, wording his answer very carefully.

THOMAS
I think that when Christ comes
again, it’s going to be--a
wonderful thing.

LIZ finishes with the bedsheet, then goes to a window, opens
it. She pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one,
blowing smoke out of the window.

LIZ
Look, you can go. I know Charlie
appreciates the help.

THOMAS
I’d love to talk to him about the
church?

Pause.

LIZ
Listen, New Life Church has caused
him--caused us--a lot of pain.
(MORE)
10.

LIZ (CONT'D)
So he doesn’t need this.
Especially not now, not this week.

THOMAS
Why not this week?

LIZ
Because he’s probably not going to
be here next week.

THOMAS
Where is he going?

We begin to hear the sound of CHARLIE wheezing from down the
hall, the clank of his walker on the carpet. LIZ throws her
cigarette out the window, shuts it.

CHARLIE emerges from the hallway on his walker.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry you had to come over,
Liz.

LIZ
It’s okay.

CHARLIE
And I’m sorry I always think I’m
dying.

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, speaking to him as he heads back to the
couch.

LIZ
Charlie your blood pressure is 238
over 134.

CHARLIE arrives at the couch. He braces himself on his
walker and the arm of the couch, collapses down into a seated
position with a sharp pain in his chest. He hides it as best
he can.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry.

LIZ
Go to the hospital.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
Stop saying you’re sorry, go to the
hospital.
11.


CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
(firm)
You have congestive heart failure.
If you don’t go to the hospital,
you’re going to die. Probably
before the weekend. You. Will.
Die.

Silence. CHARLIE thinks, then reaches for his computer,
pulling it towards him.

CHARLIE
Then I should probably keep
working, I have a lot of essays
this week--

LIZ
Goddammit.

CHARLIE
I know, I’m an awful person. I
know. I’m sorry.

LIZ collapses onto a recliner, exasperated. CHARLIE looks at
her.

THOMAS takes a step toward CHARLIE.

LIZ glares at THOMAS. THOMAS backs away, gathers his things,
then heads toward the door. He stops, turns to CHARLIE.

THOMAS
I still don’t understand why you
wanted me to read that essay to
you.

CHARLIE
It’s a really good essay.

THOMAS
I actually thought it was pretty
bad.

CHARLIE
It got a bad grade. But it’s a
really, really good essay.

LIZ stands, moving toward THOMAS. THOMAS hurries outside,
LIZ shuts the door behind him. LIZ looks at CHARLIE.

Pause. They stare at one another.
12.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I think--I need to call Ellie.

LIZ
Ellie?
(pause)
Why?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Maybe just--. Say goodbye?

Pause.

LIZ
What, so you’re like--giving up?

CHARLIE
What else am I supposed to do?

LIZ
Go to the hospital!

CHARLIE
Okay, I could go to the hospital.
Rack up several hundred thousand
dollars of hospital bills, and then
last--what? A year? Maybe?

LIZ
Nice positive thinking, Charlie.
This affects me too, you know?
You’re my friend.

CHARLIE
I know. I’m sorry.

LIZ
You say you’re sorry one more time
I’m gonna shove a knife right into
you, I swear to God--

CHARLIE
Go ahead, what’s it gonna do? My
internal organs are two feet in at
least.

LIZ smiles despite herself. CHARLIE laughs, the laughter
causing some pain in his chest.

LIZ
Fuck you.
13.


Pause. LIZ relents, goes to the couch. She finds the
television remote, turns on the television. She sits next to
CHARLIE, putting her head on his shoulder. She flips through
the channels absent-mindedly.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’ve been telling you this would
happen.

CHARLIE
I know.

LIZ
Haven’t I been telling--?

CHARLIE
You have.

LIZ continues to flip through channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Liz.

Silence apart from the television. LIZ continues to flip
through channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Liz.

More silence. LIZ flips a few more channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Please.

LIZ flips a few more channels, then stops. She gets up, goes
to the kitchen. She opens up a shopping bag, takes out a
large bucket of gas station fried chicken. She brings the
bucket to CHARLIE and gives it to him without looking him in
the eye.

She sits back down, continues to flip channels.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Thank you.

She flips another channel, lands on an episode of Judge Judy
(or something). CHARLIE starts to eat the chicken.

LIZ
I’ve seen this one, it’s good.

CHARLIE continues to eat the chicken, LIZ watches television.
14.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, Charlie, struggling with severe health issues, has his dangerously high blood pressure taken by Liz, who urges him to seek medical help. Despite his symptoms, Charlie refuses due to financial fears, leading to a heated argument with Liz. Meanwhile, Thomas, a church associate, awkwardly defends the New Life Church during a brief conversation with Liz, who expresses her disdain for it. After Charlie's emotional turmoil and apologies, Liz relents, providing comfort food and they share a quiet moment watching television, highlighting themes of denial, financial hardship, and strained relationships.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive apologies
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively portrays the intense emotions and conflicts within the characters, drawing the audience into the raw reality of the protagonist's health crisis. The dialogue and actions create a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the viewers engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting mortality and denial is effectively explored through the interactions and dialogue between the characters. The scene delves into the complexities of facing harsh realities and the consequences of avoidance.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist's health crisis comes to the forefront, leading to a pivotal moment of decision-making. The conflict and stakes are heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of characters grappling with mortality, health issues, and personal relationships. The dialogue feels genuine and the characters' actions are rooted in deep emotional conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions. The emotional depth and complexity of the characters add layers to the scene, making it engaging and relatable.

Character Changes: 8

The main character undergoes a significant emotional shift, moving from denial to a moment of realization and decision-making. The scene marks a crucial point in his character development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his deteriorating health and mortality. This reflects his deeper fear of death and his desire to maintain some sense of control over his situation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid going to the hospital due to financial concerns and to maintain a sense of independence. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with his health crisis while also considering the practical consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is intense, primarily revolving around the protagonist's internal struggle with his health crisis and the external pressure from those around him. The confrontation and emotional stakes are high.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, emotional barriers, and unresolved tensions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's dramatic impact.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the protagonist faces a life-threatening health crisis and must make a critical decision about seeking medical help. The consequences of his choices are significant and impactful.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing key information about the protagonist's health condition and his internal struggles. It sets the stage for further developments and challenges, driving the narrative momentum.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected reactions, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in the scene revolves around the protagonist's views on life, death, and the value of medical intervention. Liz represents a more pragmatic and realistic perspective, while Charlie struggles with acceptance and denial.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of empathy, tension, and introspection. The raw vulnerability and intense emotions portrayed resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the inner turmoil and conflicts of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions present in the scene, adding depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, realistic character dynamics, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and relationships, creating a sense of empathy and tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of tension-building moments, emotional beats, and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows a natural progression of events, building tension and emotional stakes effectively. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, contributing to the overall impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively continues the theme of denial and vulnerability established in the previous scene, showing Charlie's health deteriorating while he clings to normalcy, which deepens audience empathy and highlights the screenplay's central conflict between life and death. However, the repetitive use of Charlie's apologies ('I'm sorry') feels redundant and could undermine the emotional weight, making his character seem one-dimensional in this moment rather than multifaceted.
  • Liz's character is portrayed with strong conviction, especially in her confrontation about the New Life Church, which adds layers to her backstory and relationship with Charlie. This interaction reveals interpersonal tensions and provides insight into the themes of trauma and religion, but it might come across as expository if not balanced with more subtle cues, potentially overwhelming the audience with direct dialogue about past events.
  • The inclusion of Thomas adds an element of awkwardness and external pressure, serving as a catalyst for Liz's outburst and Charlie's discomfort. While this enhances the scene's tension, Thomas's role feels underdeveloped; he is largely passive and exits without significantly impacting the narrative, which could make his presence seem superfluous and miss an opportunity to explore his character arc more deeply in relation to the story's themes.
  • Pacing is generally solid, with a build-up of conflict leading to a quiet resolution, but the multiple pauses and silences might drag in a visual medium, risking audience disengagement. These moments could be more purposeful if tied to visual or auditory elements, such as Charlie's wheezing or the TV sounds, to maintain rhythm and emphasize the emotional undercurrents without relying solely on dialogue.
  • The visual descriptions, like Charlie's physical struggles with the walker and sweat, are vivid and immersive, effectively conveying his declining health without being gratuitous. This strengthens the scene's realism and ties into the overall motif of the body as a prison, but it could be enhanced by more varied camera angles or actions to avoid static compositions, making the scene more dynamic and cinematic.
  • The ending, with Liz and Charlie sharing a moment watching TV, provides a poignant contrast to the earlier intensity, underscoring their deep bond and the theme of quiet acceptance. However, this resolution might feel abrupt or underdeveloped, as it doesn't fully address the high stakes of Charlie's health crisis, potentially leaving viewers wanting more closure or escalation to maintain dramatic momentum.
Suggestions
  • Vary Charlie's expressions of remorse by incorporating physical actions or internal monologues, such as him fidgeting with his hands or avoiding eye contact, to reduce repetition and add depth to his character without altering the core dialogue.
  • Integrate Thomas more actively by having him interject during the health discussion or share a brief personal anecdote about faith and health, which could heighten conflict and make his character more memorable, while tying into the broader themes of religion and mortality.
  • Use more visual storytelling techniques, like close-ups on Charlie's face during pauses or symbolic cuts to the window resembling ocean waves, to convey emotions and themes subtly, reducing reliance on dialogue and enhancing the scene's cinematic quality.
  • Tighten the pacing by consolidating some of the awkward silences into shorter beats or filling them with ambient sounds and actions, such as Liz cleaning up or Charlie adjusting his position, to keep the audience engaged and prevent the scene from feeling sluggish.
  • Develop Liz's church-related rant by interspersing it with flashbacks or visual cues from her past, making the exposition less direct and more engaging, which could also deepen the audience's understanding of her motivations and relationship with Charlie.
  • Strengthen the emotional arc by ending the scene with a small, decisive action, such as Charlie attempting to dial his ex-wife or Liz offering a subtle gesture of support, to provide a clearer transition to the next scene and reinforce the themes of denial and human connection.



Scene 4 -  Reflections of Isolation
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATE THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE, alone, in front of the television which plays a late-
night program. The chicken bucket is full of bones that have
been licked clean, he is eating the last piece.

He finishes the piece, throws the bone in the bucket with the
others and puts the bucket on the ground. The effort of
bending over causes pain in his chest.

CHARLIE
(softly, to himself)
In the first part of his book, the
author, calling himself Ishmael, is
in a small sea-side town and he is
sharing a bed with a man named
Queequeg.

The pain subsides. CHARLIE takes a couple of deep breaths.
He lifts his shirt up, barely managing to pull it off of his
body.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
The author and Queequeg go to
church and later set out on a ship
captained by the pirate named Ahab
who is missing a leg, and very much
wants to kill the whale, which is
named Moby Dick, and which is
white.

CHARLIE bends over, reaching under the coffee table. He
barely reaches a half-full bucket of water with a sponge
floating in it. He puts the bucket in his lap, squeezes the
water out of the sponge, and starts to clean himself, taking
special care to clean in between the flaps of flesh.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
In the course of the book, the
pirate Ahab encounters many
hardships. His entire life is set
around trying to kill a certain
whale. I think this is sad because
the whale doesn’t have any
emotions, and doesn’t know how bad
Ahab wants to kill him.

CHARLIE wets the sponge, then sticks his hand into his pants,
cleaning his crotch and in between his legs.
15.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
He’s just a poor big animal. And I
feel bad for Ahab as well, because
he thinks that his life will be
better if he can kill this whale,
but in reality it won’t help him at
all.

CHARLIE reaches behind the couch, taking out a broom handle
with a towel tied to the end of it. He wets the towel in the
bucket, leans forward on the couch, and then reaches the
towel around to his back. The effort of lifting his arms
causes pain in his chest. He squints.


INT. - HALLWAY - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE moves down the hallway on his walker, breathing
heavily. He goes to the end of the hallway, opens a door and
barely manages to fit through the doorway.


INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

A soiled, uncovered king-sized mattress lies in the middle of
the floor, surrounded by empty food containers and empty and
half-full two liter soda bottles. Bracing himself on the
walker, CHARLIE manages to slowly lower himself down onto the
mattress. His knees and chest ache as he descends. He
buries his head in his chest, struggling to breathe.

Finally, he is able to lay flat on the mattress. He stares
up to the ceiling, wheezing, taking a few deep breaths.

He reaches for a bottle of soda. He opens it, takes a long
drink, then continues to stare up at the ceiling.

CHARLIE
And I feel bad for Ahab as well,
because he thinks that his life
will be better if he can kill this
whale, but in reality it won’t help
him at all.

CHARLIE puts the soda bottle on the floor, leaving the cap
off. He closes his eyes, listening to the sound of his heart
beating, struggling to pump blood throughout his body.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
This book made me think about my
own life. This book made me think
about my own life. This book made
me--
16.


EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

Shots of rolling hills of the Palouse, wind rushing over
them. As the images continue, the wind begins to vaguely
sound like the sound of waves lapping against the shore.


TITLE: TUESDAY


INT. - HALLWAY - MORNING

CHARLIE is making his way down the hallway toward the
bathroom. It takes a large amount of effort for him to move,
he puts all of his weight onto his walker as he slowly moves
forward.

CHARLIE hears a soft cooing, he looks at an open window. A
bird is perched on the sill. He looks at it for a moment,
expressionless.

CHARLIE looks away from the window, then goes toward the
bathroom. He finally makes his way to the bathroom door,
opening it.


INT. - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A series of shots of CHARLIE getting ready for the day.
Using mouthwash, struggling to take his shirt off, wiping
down his body with a wet cloth, brushing his teeth, applying
deodorant all over his torso as best as he can, a meager
attempt at smoothing over his hair.


INT. - KITCHEN - MORNING

CHARLIE opens up a kitchen drawer, there are several loaves
of sliced bread inside. He grabs one of them.

As he removes the loaf of bread, he sees an old stash of
candy bars hidden in the back of the drawer. He takes a few
of the candy bars, having forgotten he put them there. He
opens one, examining the label. It’s obviously a few years
old.

He puts the candy bar back into the drawer.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE, breathing heavily, stands at the counter tearing off
tiny pieces of bread and putting them on a small plate.
17.


As he puts the pieces of bread onto the plate, his eyes
continually drift to the drawer with the candy bar stash.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE opens the drawer with the candy stash, grabbing a
candy bar. He opens the wrapping, eats half of it with two
quick, large bites. He then wraps up the remaining half, and
begins to put it back in the drawer.

He re-opens the drawer, is about to place the half-eaten
candy bar inside, then stops. He looks at the candy bar for
a moment.


INT. - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE stares at the kitchen counter where at least half a
dozen candy bar wrappers sit in a pile. He stares at them
for a moment.

Scooping up all the wrappers with his hand, he opens the
cabinet under the sink and shoves them to the bottom of the
trash can, hiding them. He shuts the cabinet, then grabs the
plate of bread crumbs.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE places the plates of bread crumbs on the window sill.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this somber scene, Charlie grapples with loneliness and physical struggles late at night, reflecting on Moby Dick while tending to his hygiene in a cluttered home. He experiences chest pain and moves slowly with a walker, revealing his internal conflicts through a monologue that draws parallels between the novel's themes and his own life. As morning arrives, he continues his routine, impulsively eating candy bars and hiding the wrappers, ultimately placing breadcrumbs on the window sill for birds, symbolizing his desire for connection amidst isolation.
Strengths
  • Deep character exploration
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate portrayal of vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and inner turmoil of the protagonist, providing a poignant exploration of his character and themes. The introspective nature and raw vulnerability portrayed contribute to a compelling and thought-provoking viewing experience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring themes of isolation, mortality, and empathy through the lens of a vulnerable protagonist is well-realized in the scene. The introspective nature of the sequence adds depth to the character and engages the audience in a reflective experience.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character introspection than plot progression, it effectively deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie's inner world and emotional struggles. The plot serves as a backdrop to highlight the protagonist's internal conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring themes of loneliness, empathy, and self-reflection through the lens of a character's interaction with literature. The authenticity of Charlie's actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene provides a deep insight into Charlie's character, showcasing his vulnerability, loneliness, and self-awareness. The audience gains a nuanced understanding of his emotional state and struggles, creating a strong connection to the protagonist.

Character Changes: 7

While there is no significant outward change in Charlie's circumstances, the scene showcases a profound internal transformation as he grapples with his mortality, loneliness, and empathy. His self-awareness and emotional journey are central to the character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and understanding in the book he is reading, using it as a mirror to reflect on his own life and struggles. This reflects his deeper need for connection, empathy, and a sense of purpose amidst his physical and emotional pain.

External Goal: 6

Charlie's external goal is to perform basic self-care tasks and navigate his daily routine despite his physical limitations. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his personal hygiene and well-being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene focuses more on internal conflict and emotional struggles rather than external conflicts. The conflict arises from Charlie's inner turmoil, loneliness, and physical pain, adding depth to the character but not driving traditional plot conflict.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is subtle, primarily stemming from the protagonist's internal conflicts and physical challenges, creating a sense of uncertainty and emotional depth that adds complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are primarily internal, focusing on Charlie's emotional turmoil, mortality, and vulnerability. While the consequences of his actions are significant for his character arc, they do not involve high external stakes.

Story Forward: 6

The scene contributes more to character development and thematic exploration than plot progression. It deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie's inner world and emotional struggles, setting the stage for future narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional depth and the unexpected moments of vulnerability and self-awareness displayed by the protagonist, keeping the audience intrigued about his journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition between Charlie's empathy towards the characters in the book and his own struggles with loneliness and physical pain. This challenges his beliefs about the value of life, purpose, and the pursuit of meaning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection. Charlie's vulnerability and struggles resonate deeply, creating a poignant and memorable viewing experience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is introspective and reflective, mirroring Charlie's inner thoughts and emotional turmoil. While minimal, the dialogue effectively conveys the protagonist's introspection and vulnerability.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the protagonist's internal world, evoking empathy and curiosity about his circumstances and emotional state.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's physical limitations and emotional turmoil, creating a sense of tension and introspection that drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a character-driven, introspective scene, with clear transitions between locations and actions that enhance the reader's understanding of the protagonist's struggles.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's daily routine and inner thoughts, following a coherent progression that builds towards a poignant moment of self-realization.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays Charlie's profound isolation and physical deterioration, using repetitive actions like eating, cleaning, and moving to immerse the audience in his daily struggles. This builds empathy and reinforces the film's themes of denial and mortality, as seen in his chest pain and labored breathing, which are consistent with earlier scenes. However, this repetition might risk becoming monotonous if not varied, potentially desensitizing the audience to his suffering by the fourth scene.
  • Charlie's monologue on 'Moby Dick' is a strong element that mirrors his internal conflict and self-reflection, drawing parallels between Ahab's obsession and his own life. It adds depth to his character, showing how literature serves as a coping mechanism. That said, the monologue feels somewhat expository and detached, as it is delivered while performing mundane tasks, which could make it less engaging if it doesn't evolve or interact more dynamically with his actions or emotions.
  • The visual and sensory details, such as the soiled mattress, makeshift cleaning tools, and the act of hiding candy wrappers, vividly depict Charlie's environment and psychological state, emphasizing themes of shame and compulsion. This helps in understanding his character without dialogue, but the scene could benefit from more varied pacing to avoid feeling overly prolonged, especially in the morning routine sections that show similar struggles to previous scenes.
  • The transition to the exterior Palouse landscape and the title card 'Tuesday' provides a rhythmic break and symbolic depth, with the wind sounding like waves subtly linking to the 'Moby Dick' theme. However, this poetic element might not land as strongly if not tied more explicitly to Charlie's mindset, potentially missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's emotional connection.
  • Overall, the scene successfully advances the narrative by showing the passage of time and Charlie's unchanging routine, highlighting his denial through impulsive actions like eating the candy bars. Yet, it could explore his emotional state more nuancedly, as the lack of interaction with other characters in this scene underscores his loneliness but might benefit from subtler hints of internal conflict or growth to prevent it from feeling static.
Suggestions
  • Vary the depiction of physical pain by intercutting with close-ups of Charlie's face or internal thoughts to add emotional layers and prevent repetition from earlier scenes.
  • Integrate the 'Moby Dick' monologue more dynamically by having it trigger specific memories or direct comparisons to Charlie's life, making it less like a summary and more like a personal revelation.
  • Shorten or condense redundant sequences, such as the morning hygiene routine, to improve pacing and maintain audience engagement, perhaps by focusing on key actions that reveal new aspects of his character.
  • Enhance the symbolic elements, like the bird and bread, by adding a voice-over or subtle action that connects them to themes of hope or lost connections, making them more integral to the narrative.
  • Introduce a small narrative progression, such as a triggered memory during the monologue or a change in routine, to add variety and ensure the scene contributes to character development beyond establishing his daily life.



Scene 5 -  A Moment of Calm
INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE, covered with sweat from the move to the living room,
collapses on his couch with his walker. He takes his
computer, opens it.

He types “congestive heart failure” into Google.

He scans the Wikipedia article. His heart rate begins to
increase.

He goes back, does another search: “congestive heart failure
obesity”.

He scans through a few results. Sweat builds on his
forehead, his pulse quickens.

He goes back, does another search: “congestive heart failure
obesity prognosis”.
18.


As his heart rate spikes, he has a sudden pain in his chest.
He grabs his chest, breathing heavily, wheezing. He shuts
the computer, slowly calming himself down.

He thinks for a moment, then looks at his cell phone.

The sound of flapping wings. CHARLIE looks to the window,
the bird is back, tentatively eating the bread off the plate.
CHARLIE looks at it, smiling slightly.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Charlie, overwhelmed by anxiety about his health condition, collapses onto his couch after a strenuous move. He searches online for information about congestive heart failure, which exacerbates his distress, leading to physical symptoms like chest pain and heavy breathing. After a moment of panic, he calms himself and finds solace in observing a bird at his window, which brings him a brief moment of relief and a smile.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited external plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively conveys Charlie's escalating anxiety and fear regarding his health, while also hinting at a glimmer of hope through his interaction with the bird. The emotional depth and tension are well-crafted, drawing the audience into Charlie's internal turmoil.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Charlie's internal conflict and fear through his online searches and interaction with the bird is poignant and engaging. It provides insight into his character and sets up potential growth and resolution.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in terms of external events, the scene advances the overarching theme of Charlie's health struggles and emotional journey. It sets the stage for potential developments in his character arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring health anxiety and mortality through a character's online research, capturing the authenticity of the character's actions and reactions. The moment with the bird adds a unique touch of symbolism and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene focuses on Charlie's character, delving into his vulnerability, fear, and moments of resilience. The interaction with Liz and the bird adds depth to his persona, showcasing his complex emotional landscape.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie experiences a shift in his emotional state, moving from escalating anxiety to a moment of connection and reflection with the bird. This subtle change hints at potential growth and acceptance.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to confront his fears and anxieties about his health condition, specifically congestive heart failure. This reflects his deeper need for reassurance, understanding, and possibly a sense of control over his health.

External Goal: 6

Charlie's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated but can be inferred as seeking information about his health condition and its implications, possibly to make informed decisions or seek treatment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around Charlie's health concerns and his emotional turmoil. While there is tension and anxiety, the conflict is more subtle and psychological.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene comes from Charlie's internal struggle with his health anxiety, symbolized by his physical reactions and emotional turmoil. The uncertainty of his condition and the sudden pain in his chest create a sense of opposition that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Charlie's health and well-being, as he grapples with the fear of his condition and the potential consequences. The scene highlights the urgency of his situation.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie's character, setting the stage for potential developments in his journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it shifts between moments of intense anxiety and unexpected moments of calm, such as the appearance of the bird. The audience is kept on edge about Charlie's health and emotional state.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between facing harsh medical realities and maintaining hope or finding solace in simple moments of joy, like watching a bird outside the window. This challenges Charlie's beliefs about his own mortality and the balance between confronting difficult truths and finding moments of peace.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into Charlie's fear and vulnerability. The moment with the bird adds a touch of hope and connection, enhancing the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves the purpose of conveying Charlie's internal thoughts and emotions, as well as his interactions with Liz and the bird. It effectively captures the tension and vulnerability of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in Charlie's emotional journey, building tension and empathy through his actions and reactions. The mix of suspense and brief moments of relief keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Charlie's anxiety escalates, creating a sense of urgency and emotional impact. The brief pause with the bird adds a well-timed moment of reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with concise action lines and dialogue that convey the character's emotions effectively.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, starting with Charlie's research and escalating tension as his health anxiety grows. The moment with the bird provides a brief respite before returning to Charlie's internal struggle.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Charlie's internal struggle with his health, using a simple sequence of actions to build tension and show his denial and fear. The escalating Google searches mirror his growing anxiety, creating a visceral sense of dread that aligns with the film's themes of mortality and isolation. However, the scene risks feeling repetitive if similar health crises are depicted frequently throughout the script, as it doesn't introduce new information or conflicts beyond what's established in prior scenes. For instance, the chest pain and wheezing are already highlighted in Scene 4, so this could be an opportunity to deepen Charlie's character by revealing more about his thought process or emotional state, rather than reiterating physical symptoms.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on close-up actions like typing and scanning the screen, which can be engaging but might lack dynamism in a cinematic context. The transition from distress to a moment of calm with the bird is a strong emotional beat, providing a brief respite and reinforcing the bird motif as a symbol of fleeting hope or connection to the outside world. That said, the scene could benefit from more varied shot compositions or subtle environmental details to enhance immersion, such as showing the clutter in the room or the contrast between the digital glow of the computer and the natural light from the window, to better convey Charlie's confined existence.
  • The use of the bird at the end is a poignant touch that offers a small, humanizing moment for Charlie, contrasting his isolation with a simple act of kindness he performed earlier. This helps in building empathy for the character and ties into the overarching motifs of nature (e.g., the Palouse fields resembling waves), but it might be underutilized if not connected more explicitly to his internal monologue or past actions. Additionally, while the scene succeeds in showing rather than telling Charlie's condition, it could explore his psychological denial more deeply, perhaps by intercutting with memories or symbolic imagery, to make the audience feel his emotional weight more profoundly.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene is concise and fits well within the film's structure, occurring early on a Tuesday and advancing the timeline subtly. However, the lack of dialogue or interaction with other characters emphasizes Charlie's loneliness, which is a strength, but it also means the scene must carry significant emotional load through visuals alone. This could be challenging for viewers if the film has many similar solitary scenes, potentially leading to monotony; ensuring each scene adds a unique layer to Charlie's arc, such as linking his health research to his teaching life or his relationships, would make this moment more impactful and less redundant.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to heighten tension, such as adding sound effects for Charlie's accelerated heartbeat or heavy breathing during the searches, and use close-ups of his sweating face or trembling hands to make the physical distress more immediate and engaging for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by varying the camera angles— for example, use a wide shot to show Charlie's isolation in the room during the searches, then a tight close-up on the bird at the window to emphasize the contrast between his confined world and the freedom outside, strengthening the symbolic elements and making the scene more cinematic.
  • To avoid repetition of health crises, add a layer of internal conflict or flashback, such as a brief voice-over or memory snippet related to his past (e.g., tying the 'Moby Dick' essay from earlier scenes to his current fears), which could deepen character development and connect this scene more seamlessly to the overall narrative.
  • Extend the emotional payoff with the bird by having Charlie's slight smile lead to a subtle action, like him reaching out or whispering something to himself, to make the moment of relief more character-revealing and less abrupt, ensuring it resonates with viewers and reinforces themes of hope amidst despair.



Scene 6 -  Fractured Connections
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON

ELLIE, 17, holding a backpack, stands in the open doorway
looking at CHARLIE, who sits on the couch.

A silence between them.

ELLIE
Does this mean I’m gonna get fat?

CHARLIE
No, it doesn’t. I was always big,
but I just--let it get out of
control.

ELLIE shuts the door, moving inside a bit. She scans the
room, not looking at CHARLIE.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Was your mom okay with you coming
here?

ELLIE
I didn’t tell her, she would’ve
freaked out. Why don’t you just go
to the hospital?

CHARLIE
It’s not worth it.

CHARLIE shifts a little on the couch, the movement causing
some pain in his chest. He takes a breath in. ELLIE watches
him.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s really good to see you, you
look--beautiful. How’s school?
You’re a senior, right?

ELLIE looks at him.

ELLIE
Since when did you care?
19.


CHARLIE
I pester your mom for information
as often as she’ll give it to me.
(pause)
So why aren’t...? Don’t you have
school?

ELLIE
Got suspended this morning.

CHARLIE
Oh. Why?

ELLIE
I sent a text to my stupid bitch
lab partner that the vice-principal
said was “vaguely threatening”.

ELLIE moves inside a little more, eyeing the room. She keeps
her distance from CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
You don’t like school?

ELLIE
Only retards like high school.

CHARLIE
But--you’re gonna pass, right?

ELLIE
Failing most of my classes,
counselor says I might not
graduate. I’m a smart person, I
never forget anything, but high
school is such bullshit. Busywork.

CHARLIE
It’s important.

ELLIE glares at him. Pause.

ELLIE
So, listen, if you called me
because you need help going to the
bathroom or something--

CHARLIE
No, that’s not why I...

ELLIE wanders into the kitchen. She looks around, opens
drawers. One drawer is packed almost entirely with cereal
bars, another is packed almost entirely full of canned pasta.
20.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I didn’t call you over to do
anything disgusting, I just--

ELLIE
Just being around you is
disgusting. You smell disgusting.
Your apartment is disgusting. You
look disgusting. The last time I
saw you, you were disgusting.

CHARLIE
There’s no way you could remember
that, you were four years old.

ELLIE comes out of the kitchen, faces CHARLIE.

ELLIE
I’m a smart person, I never forget
anything. In the living room, with
that old red couch and the TV with
the wood frame. Mom was screaming
at you and you were just
apologizing over and over. I
remember that. Can I have one of
those donuts?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Yeah, sure.

ELLIE goes back to the kitchen, opens a drawer. She takes
out a box of donuts, opens it up and takes one out. She
comes out of the kitchen, nibbling on the donut.

CHARLIE looks at her, thinking. Pause.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’d like for us to spend some time
together this week.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
Maybe we could get to know one
another a little bit--

ELLIE
I already know you, and I don’t
want to get to know you any better.
21.


CHARLIE
C’mon, we don’t even--

ELLIE
I know that you left me and my mom
so you could be gay. And now I know
that since then you’ve become--
this.

ELLIE indicates CHARLIE’s body.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Why the fuck would I want to get to
know you any better?

Pause. ELLIE looks at him for a moment, then heads toward
the door.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I don’t even know why I’m here.

ELLIE opens the door, about to leave.

CHARLIE
I have money, Ellie.

ELLIE stops, looking at him.

ELLIE
You were serious about that?

CHARLIE
Yes. And I can help you with your
work. It’s what I do for my job.

ELLIE
What?

CHARLIE grabs his laptop, opens it up. His web browser is
open to an online university message board for one of his
courses. He shows it to ELLIE.

ELLIE glances at the screen.

CHARLIE
I can help you pass your classes.

ELLIE
You teach online?

CHARLIE
Yeah.
22.


ELLIE
Your students know what you look
like?

CHARLIE closes the laptop.

CHARLIE
I don’t use a camera. Just a
microphone.

ELLIE
That’s probably a good idea.

ELLIE considers for a moment, then opens up her backpack,
takes a few steps toward CHARLIE. She rummages around in her
backpack, looking for something.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
If I show a lot of improvement in
one subject, my counselor says I
might be able to pass. You can
rewrite these essays for English,
and they have to be really good.

ELLIE takes couple essays out of her backpack, hands them to
CHARLIE. CHARLIE takes them, looks at them.

CHARLIE
I don’t know if I should write them
for you, I can work with you on--

ELLIE
How much can you pay me?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Everything I have, all the money I
have in the bank.

ELLIE stares at him. Pause. CHARLIE relents.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
A hundred and twenty thousand.

Pause. ELLIE looks at him, doubtful.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I never go out, all I pay for is
food, internet, rent... And I work
all the time.
23.


ELLIE
And you’d give that all to me? Not
to my mom, to me?

CHARLIE
Yes, just--. Don’t tell your mom,
okay?
(pause)
And maybe you could do some
writing. For me.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
You’re a smart person. I bet
you’re a strong writer. Plus I’m a
teacher, I want to make sure you’re
getting something out of this.

Pause.

ELLIE
Fuck this, I don’t believe you.

ELLIE heads toward the door, about to leave. She stops,
turns back to CHARLIE.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Stand up and walk over to me.

CHARLIE
What?

ELLIE
Come over here. Walk toward me.

CHARLIE pauses, then reaches for his walker.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Without that thing. Just stand up
and come over here.

CHARLIE
Ellie, I can’t really--

ELLIE
Shut up. Come over here.

Pause. CHARLIE looks around, trying to find something to
brace himself on. Finally, he puts one hand on the arm of
the couch. He struggles to roll forward so he can put his
weight onto his legs. ELLIE watches him silently.
24.


The effort of bending forward produces chest pain, but he
doesn’t stop. He is almost able to get on his feet, but a
surge of pain brings him back to the couch.

He looks at ELLIE. She stares back at him, motionless.

He grabs the edge of an end table, bracing himself. He puts
all his effort into it, and manages to rise a few inches off
the couch. He keeps his eyes locked on ELLIE.

Just as it looks like he might be able to stand, the end
table gives way, two of the legs cracking in half. It takes
a lamp with it, along with a stack of papers and a half-empty
two-liter soda.

CHARLIE falls back onto the couch, the impact causing him a
lot of pain. He rolls back, dizzy with pain and lack of
oxygen.

He breathes for a moment, managing to calm himself down. He
opens his eyes, then looks back at ELLIE.

ELLIE stares back at him, unmoved.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Charlie's living room, Ellie confronts her estranged father about his health and their troubled past. Tension escalates as Ellie expresses resentment for his abandonment and skepticism about his offers of help. Despite Charlie's attempts to reconnect and support her education, Ellie remains hostile and unmoved, culminating in a painful moment when Charlie struggles to stand and falls back onto the couch, highlighting their fractured relationship.
Strengths
  • Raw and emotional dialogue
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Realistic portrayal of physical struggles
Weaknesses
  • Slightly melodramatic tone in parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is impactful due to the intense emotional exchange between the characters, the high stakes involved in their relationship, and the significant character development it brings. However, it could benefit from a bit more subtlety in portraying the emotions to avoid feeling slightly melodramatic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complex father-daughter relationship, Charlie's physical limitations, and Ellie's resentment is compelling and adds depth to the overall narrative. The scene effectively delves into the characters' past traumas and current conflicts, setting up potential growth and resolution.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly through the confrontation between Charlie and Ellie, revealing key aspects of their relationship and individual struggles. The scene sets up potential future developments and character arcs, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family estrangement and reconciliation, portraying the characters' flaws and vulnerabilities authentically. The dialogue feels raw and unfiltered, adding authenticity to the interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie and Ellie are well-developed, with their distinct personalities and emotional complexities shining through in the dialogue and interactions. Their dynamic is central to the scene's impact, showcasing growth and conflict within their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Both Charlie and Ellie undergo significant emotional shifts during the scene, with Charlie's vulnerability and Ellie's resentment coming to the forefront. The confrontation leads to a deeper understanding of their characters and sets the stage for potential growth and reconciliation.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal is to assert her independence and confront her feelings of abandonment and resentment towards her father, Charlie. This reflects her deeper need for validation, closure, and a sense of control over her own life.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal is to reconnect with Ellie and offer her financial help and academic support. This reflects his immediate circumstances of loneliness, guilt, and desire to make amends for past mistakes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Charlie and Ellie is palpable, with underlying tensions and unresolved issues driving the scene forward. The emotional conflict adds layers to their relationship, creating a compelling dynamic that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ellie challenging Charlie's attempts at reconciliation and assistance. The uncertainty of Ellie's reactions and decisions adds complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the strained relationship between Charlie and Ellie, Charlie's deteriorating health, and the potential for reconciliation or further estrangement. The outcome of their confrontation could have significant repercussions for both characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of the characters' relationships and inner conflicts. It sets up future developments and character arcs, adding depth to the narrative and propelling the plot towards potential resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the characters' actions and revelations, but the emotional intensity and shifting power dynamics add a layer of unpredictability to the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of family, responsibility, and forgiveness. Ellie's belief in self-reliance clashes with Charlie's attempt to provide assistance and make amends, challenging their values and perceptions of each other.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene delivers a high emotional impact, evoking empathy and tension through the characters' struggles and confrontations. The raw emotions and vulnerability displayed by Charlie and Ellie resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is a standout element, driving the emotional depth of the scene and revealing the characters' inner turmoil. The confrontational and raw nature of the exchanges adds authenticity and intensity to the interaction between Charlie and Ellie.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the intense emotional conflict between Ellie and Charlie, the revelation of their past traumas, and the unfolding power dynamics. The dialogue and character interactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing moments of silence and reflection to contrast with intense dialogue exchanges. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and physical actions. The pacing and progression of the scene maintain the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tense and estranged relationship between Charlie and Ellie through sharp, confrontational dialogue, which reveals key backstory elements like Charlie's abandonment and Ellie's suspension from school. This helps the reader understand the emotional undercurrents of denial, regret, and resentment, mirroring the broader themes of the script such as isolation and mortality. However, some dialogue feels overly expository, such as Ellie's recounting of a childhood memory, which could come across as contrived rather than organic, potentially reducing the authenticity of the interaction.
  • Charlie's character is portrayed with depth through his physical struggles and repeated apologies, emphasizing his vulnerability and desire for connection. This aligns well with his established arc of denial about his health, as seen in previous scenes, and adds a layer of pathos. That said, his passivity might make him seem one-dimensional at times; the critique could explore how this scene could better balance his weakness with moments of quiet strength or assertiveness to make him more relatable and complex.
  • Ellie's dialogue and actions effectively convey her anger and disillusionment, making her a compelling antagonist in this familial conflict. Her line about high school being 'bullshit' and her use of derogatory language highlight her rebellious nature, which fits her age and backstory. However, this portrayal risks falling into stereotypes of the 'troubled teen,' and the scene could benefit from subtler indications of her intelligence or hidden vulnerabilities to add nuance, helping the audience empathize with her beyond surface-level hostility.
  • The visual elements, such as Charlie's painful attempt to stand and the cluttered apartment, reinforce the themes of physical and emotional decay, creating a vivid, immersive atmosphere. This ties into the script's motif of confinement, as seen in earlier scenes with Charlie's limited mobility. A potential weakness is the lack of variation in pacing; the dialogue-driven structure builds tension well but could include more action or pauses to allow emotional beats to land more powerfully, preventing the scene from feeling overly talky.
  • Thematically, the scene advances the narrative by introducing the financial incentive that keeps Ellie engaged, setting up future conflicts and deepening the exploration of Charlie's desperation for redemption. However, the ending, where Ellie remains unmoved by Charlie's fall, might feel abrupt or unsatisfying without a stronger indication of her internal conflict or the long-term impact on their relationship. This could be an opportunity to heighten the emotional stakes, making the scene more memorable and tied to the overall arc of reconciliation hinted at in later scenes.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext and subtlety; for example, have Ellie imply her childhood memory through actions or indirect references rather than direct exposition, making the revelation feel more natural and impactful.
  • Add visual and sensory details to enhance immersion, such as describing the sound of Charlie's labored breathing or the mess in the kitchen during Ellie's exploration, to break up the dialogue and emphasize the setting's role in conveying Charlie's isolation.
  • Develop Ellie's character by including a small moment of vulnerability or contradiction, like a brief hesitation in her expression when Charlie offers help, to make her less monolithic and foreshadow potential growth in their relationship.
  • Vary the pacing by incorporating more physical actions or silent beats; for instance, extend the moment when Charlie falls to show his recovery process, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his pain and Ellie's indifference more acutely.
  • Ensure the scene connects more explicitly to the broader narrative by referencing elements from previous scenes, such as the bird at the window or Charlie's health searches, to create thematic continuity and reinforce motifs like fleeting moments of relief or connection.



Scene 7 -  Isolation and Delivery
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

CHARLIE is sitting on the couch on his laptop, looking at
ELLIE’s Facebook page, scrolling through pictures. Most of
the pictures are of ELLIE alone, brooding.

He looks at her friend list, sees that she has a total of 17
friends.

A knock at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Gambino’s.

CHARLIE shuts the laptop.

CHARLIE
Yeah, you can--. I put a twenty in
the mail box?

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Sure.

CHARLIE
You can just leave it at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Yeah, I--. I remember.
25.


Pause. CHARLIE looks at the door, not hearing anything.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Everything okay in there?

CHARLIE
Yeah.

Pause.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
You sure?

CHARLIE
Yeah, I’m fine.
(pause)
Thank you.

Pause. CHARLIE listens, finally we hear the sound of the
mailbox opening and shutting, the DELIVERY BOY walking down
the steps and leaving. CHARLIE waits for a moment, then
moves toward the door.


INT. - FRONT DOORWAY - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE opens up the door, there is a large box sitting on
the floor in front of his door. The sound of a car door
shutting, a car driving off is heard in the parking lot.

CHARLIE looks down to the parking lot, sees the DELIVERY BOY
driving away. He watches the car leave the parking lot and
disappear down the street.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Charlie sits alone in his living room, scrolling through Ellie’s Facebook page and reflecting on her solitary images. His moment of introspection is interrupted by a Delivery Boy who brings a Gambino’s order. Despite the Delivery Boy's concern for Charlie's well-being, Charlie remains evasive, instructing him to leave the food at the door. After a brief, awkward exchange, the Delivery Boy leaves, and Charlie watches him drive away, emphasizing his sense of isolation.
Strengths
  • Subtle character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Atmospheric tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited external plot progression
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively conveys a sense of loneliness and reflection through subtle interactions and minimal dialogue, creating a poignant atmosphere that resonates with the characters' emotional states.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring loneliness and missed connections through indirect interactions and introspective moments is compelling and effectively portrayed in the scene.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in terms of external events, the scene advances the emotional arcs of the characters, deepening the audience's understanding of their relationships and inner struggles.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds originality through the nuanced portrayal of emotional distance and the use of silence to convey tension and introspection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and layered.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Charlie and Ellie are well-developed, with their emotional depth and conflicting dynamics adding layers to the scene, showcasing their complex relationship and individual struggles.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant outward changes in the characters, the scene deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie and Ellie's emotional states and inner conflicts, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to understand or connect with Ellie on a deeper level, as seen through his actions of scrolling through her pictures and checking her friend list. This reflects his desire for emotional intimacy and possibly his fear of being disconnected or misunderstood.

External Goal: 6

Charlie's external goal is to receive the food delivery from Gambino's, which serves as a minor obstacle or interruption to his internal contemplation about Ellie.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and inner conflicts rather than external confrontations, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the form of the delivery boy's interruptions, adding a layer of external conflict to Charlie's internal contemplation.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships rather than high-stakes external conflicts, adding depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 6

The scene contributes more to character development and emotional depth than to advancing the external plot, enriching the narrative with nuanced insights into the characters' lives and relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the emotional undercurrents and the unspoken tension between the characters, keeping the audience curious about their motivations and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the contrast between Charlie's desire for emotional connection and Ellie's apparent emotional distance, highlighting themes of loneliness and communication barriers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' inner worlds and eliciting feelings of empathy and reflection.

Dialogue: 7

The sparse dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner turmoil, enhancing the atmosphere of loneliness and introspection.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of intrigue and emotional depth through subtle character interactions and the unfolding of internal conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing moments of silence to convey emotional weight and creating a contemplative atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and professional presentation.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats, effectively building tension and revealing character dynamics. The formatting aligns with the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues to build Charlie's character as a reclusive, isolated individual by showing him alone, scrolling through Ellie's Facebook page and obsessing over her limited social connections. It reinforces themes of loneliness and familial estrangement that are central to the script, allowing the audience to see Charlie's vulnerability and concern for his daughter without direct confrontation, which contrasts with the more intense interactions in surrounding scenes like scene 6. However, this moment feels somewhat redundant because Charlie's isolation and worry about Ellie have already been established in earlier scenes (e.g., scene 6's confrontation and scene 5's health anxiety), potentially diluting the impact by repeating similar emotional beats without advancing the plot or revealing new insights. As a transitional scene, it risks slowing the pace in a screenplay that already deals heavily with Charlie's introspective moments, and it might not contribute enough unique conflict or development to justify its inclusion, especially since the delivery interaction adds little beyond a brief awkward exchange.
  • The interaction with the Delivery Boy introduces an external perspective on Charlie's situation, highlighting his social awkwardness and the concern others might have for his well-being, which could humanize Charlie and subtly underscore his deteriorating health. The repeated questions from the Delivery Boy about whether everything is okay create a tense, uncomfortable atmosphere that mirrors Charlie's internal struggles, but this element feels underdeveloped and somewhat contrived. Without more context or buildup, the Delivery Boy's persistence comes across as unnatural—why would a typical delivery person probe so insistently unless there's prior indication of concern, which isn't established here? This could make the scene feel forced or expository, failing to deepen the audience's understanding of Charlie's character or the world around him, and it misses an opportunity to tie into broader themes, such as Charlie's denial of his condition or his fear of judgment, which were prominent in the previous scene.
  • Visually and thematically, the scene uses simple, everyday actions—like scrolling through social media and a food delivery—to convey Charlie's mundane yet poignant existence, which aligns with the script's motif of routine struggles (e.g., self-care in scene 4 or health research in scene 5). The pause and listening for the Delivery Boy's departure emphasize Charlie's caution and isolation, creating a quiet tension that could evoke empathy. However, the scene lacks dynamic visual elements or innovative cinematography to elevate it beyond a straightforward depiction; for instance, the Facebook scrolling could be more engaging with close-ups on specific images or reactions that reveal Charlie's emotions more vividly. Additionally, while the scene ends with Charlie watching the Delivery Boy drive away, it doesn't effectively transition to the next scene or build anticipation, feeling somewhat anticlimactic in a story filled with emotional highs and lows, and it could benefit from stronger integration with recurring motifs, like the bird or the ocean waves, to maintain thematic consistency.
  • In terms of dialogue and pacing, the exchange with the Delivery Boy is minimalistic, which suits the scene's focus on solitude, but the repetition of questions and pauses drags on, potentially testing the audience's patience in a medium that relies on concise, impactful moments. The dialogue serves to highlight Charlie's discomfort and deflection, but it doesn't reveal much about his character beyond what's already known, and the Delivery Boy's lines feel generic and unmemorable, lacking the depth or humor that could make the interaction more engaging. Compared to the richer, conflict-driven dialogues in scenes like 6 or 3, this scene's conversational elements are underwhelming, and the overall pacing feels slow for a scene that's only about routine actions, which might not hold viewer interest if not balanced with more active storytelling elements. As scene 7 in a 29-scene script, it occupies a middle position where maintaining momentum is crucial, and this scene risks feeling like filler rather than a pivotal moment.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth by adding internal monologue or subtle visual cues during Charlie's Facebook scrolling, such as him lingering on a particular photo that triggers a memory or emotion, to make his obsession with Ellie more poignant and tied to his character arc, helping to avoid repetition from previous scenes.
  • Develop the Delivery Boy's interaction to make it more meaningful—perhaps give the Delivery Boy a line that subtly references something unusual he's noticed in past deliveries, or use it to foreshadow future events, like Charlie's increasing isolation or a potential plot point involving outsiders, to add tension and make the scene feel less incidental.
  • Streamline the dialogue and pacing by reducing repetitive pauses and questions; for example, condense the Delivery Boy's concerns into a single, more impactful exchange that reveals Charlie's defensiveness or fear, and consider adding a small action or reaction from Charlie that connects to the script's themes, such as glancing at his chest in pain or referencing the bird motif to create better flow into subsequent scenes.
  • Incorporate visual or thematic links to earlier scenes, like cutting to a brief shot of the bread crumbs and bird outside the window while Charlie is alone, to reinforce continuity and deepen the symbolism of nature representing fleeting moments of connection in his isolated life, making the scene feel more integral to the overall narrative.
  • Consider shortening or merging this scene with adjacent ones if it's deemed non-essential; for instance, integrate the Facebook checking into scene 6 or 8 to consolidate Charlie's reflections on Ellie, or expand it slightly to show how this routine affects his health, ensuring every scene advances character development or plot in a script that already has many introspective moments.



Scene 8 -  Stress and Choking: A Night of Tension
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING

CHARLIE sits on the couch. LIZ sits next to him, holding a
small machine with some electrodes attached to it. As
CHARLIE breathes in and out, we see that the electrodes are
attached to CHARLIE’s palm.

LIZ
Breathe slowly, relax.

LIZ watches the number on the machine. Silence. She
breathes in and out, CHARLIE does as well.

CHARLIE
What’s it supposed to--?

LIZ
It measures perspiration, it’s an
indicator of stress.
(MORE)
26.

LIZ (CONT'D)
It’s about establishing a
relationship between your brain and
your body. If you know how to make
yourself calm, then your blood
pressure’ll... Here.

LIZ shows him the number on the machine, which is going down
slowly.

CHARLIE
I don’t need a little machine to
tell me how to take a few deep
breaths and stop sweating.

LIZ
Yes. You did.

LIZ puts the machine in CHARLIE’s lap and goes to the
kitchen. She starts to unpack groceries: frozen fish sticks,
potato chips, sub sandwiches, frozen wings, ice cream,
instant ramen noodles, two-liter sodas, etc.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’m not saying it’s a solution, I’m
just saying it could help.

LIZ finds a very large, empty box of ice-cream sandwiches on
the counter. She exhales, holds the box up to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE looks at her, apologetic. LIZ throws the box in the
trash, looks away, continues to unpack groceries.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Look we’re just gonna try some
different methods or whatever, if
you refuse to go to the hospital
then you--

LIZ sees an essay on the counter. She sees the name on the
top of the page, recognizes it. She takes the essay and
leaves the kitchen, showing it to CHARLIE.

LIZ (CONT’D)
She wasn’t here, was she?

CHARLIE looks at LIZ, apologetic.

LIZ throws the essay in his lap, goes back to the kitchen,
angry.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry, I just wanted to see
her, I’m... I’m sorry.
(MORE)
27.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
(pause)
She’s--amazing.

Pause. LIZ continues to stock the kitchen.

LIZ
Well she’s not coming back, right?

CHARLIE doesn’t say anything. LIZ stops putting away
groceries, goes to him, glaring at him.

CHARLIE
It’ll be fine.

LIZ
Goddammit, Charlie--

CHARLIE
Look, Liz, I wasn’t planning on it,
but she just--. She’s--really
angry, you know.

LIZ
Which is why she shouldn’t be
coming over here, stressing you
out--

CHARLIE
She needs some help in school, so
I’m just going to help her with
some essays.

LIZ
You haven’t seen this girl since
she was four, and you wanna
reconnect with her by doing her
homework for her?

LIZ notices the number on the machine, which is going back
up.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie, calm down--

Frustrated, CHARLIE takes the electrodes off, puts the
machine on the couch next to him.

LIZ glares at him, then grabs the machine and takes it to a
chest of drawers, opening a drawer. Inside is an entire
universe of medical supplies: lotions, clean towels,
deodorants, over-the-counter medications, ointments, etc.
She tosses the machine inside the drawer and closes it.
28.


CHARLIE
I’m worried about her.

LIZ
Why?

CHARLIE opens up his laptop, still open to ELLIE’s Facebook
page. He scrolls through it a bit.

CHARLIE
I don’t think she has any friends,
I don’t think she’s...
(pause)
I’m worried she’s forgotten what an
amazing person she is.

LIZ
You haven’t seen her since she was
four, how would you know she--?
(seeing the computer)
Dammit Charlie, are you on her
fucking Facebook page again?

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, looking at the computer. CHARLIE
scrolls through her profile.

CHARLIE
I’m just trying to--

CHARLIE lands on a specific photo, stops. The photo is of
MARY, a woman in her mid-forties but who looks considerably
older. The photo is unflattering: she’s sitting on a couch
in dowdy clothes, scowling at the camera.

CHARLIE and LIZ look at the photo for a moment. LIZ looks at
CHARLIE, then shuts the laptop.

LIZ
She’s just a teenager, everyone’s
insane when they’re a teenager.
When I was that age, when my dad
would really piss me off?

LIZ goes back into the kitchen, putting the rest of the
groceries away.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’m just lucky I didn’t get
arrested, I’ll say that much.

CHARLIE doesn’t respond, opens the laptop a little, just so
much that he can barely look at the screen. The photo of
MARY comes back up. He looks at it. LIZ goes back to
unpacking groceries.
29.


LIZ (CONT’D)
Point is, bringing her over here is
a bad idea.

LIZ grabs a meatball sub, brings it to CHARLIE. CHARLIE
shuts the laptop.

CHARLIE
It’ll be fine--

LIZ
Charlie.

LIZ looks straight into his eyes.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You’ve got enough to deal with
right now, you hear me? Do not
bring her over here again.

CHARLIE looks at the meatball sub in LIZ’s hand. LIZ
continues to stare at him.

CHARLIE
Okay.

LIZ hands CHARLIE the meatball sub, then heads back into the
kitchen. CHARLIE unwraps the sub and begins eating it,
fairly quickly.

LIZ
It’s not like she’s alone, you
know. She has her mom.

CHARLIE takes a big bite of the sub, accidentally inhaling a
large chunk of meat. His windpipe is blocked.

LIZ has her back turned to him, washing her hands in the
kitchen sink.

LIZ (CONT’D)
If she comes over here she’s just
gonna stress you out, which you do
not need right now. And promise me
you will stop looking at her
Facebook page?

CHARLIE has begun to panic. He reaches into his mouth,
trying to pull out the piece of meat. It doesn’t work.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie?

LIZ finally turns around, sees CHARLIE. She goes to him.
30.


LIZ (CONT’D)
Are you choking? Oh God, are you
choking?!

LIZ, not knowing what to do, pushes CHARLIE forward. She
hits his back a couple of times, it doesn’t work.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Okay, okay--lean over the arm!

LIZ helps CHARLIE move so that the base of his stomach is
over the arm of the couch. She circles the couch, climbs on
top of him. Putting all her weight into it, she attempts to
give him the Heimlich Maneuver.

The first few attempts don’t work, but finally on the third
or fourth attempt CHARLIE spits the chunk of meatball out
onto the carpet.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Shit. Oh shit, Charlie.

CHARLIE leans back on the couch, in an immense amount of
pain. He takes a few deep breaths.

CHARLIE
I’m okay. I’m okay.

Silence. CHARLIE breathes. LIZ stares at him.

LIZ
GODDAMMIT CHARLIE, WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOU?

CHARLIE
I’m sorry--

LIZ
Chew your food like a normal human
being! You could have just died
right in front of me, you--!

Silence. LIZ looks away, struggles to calm down.

Finally she goes to the kitchen, grabs a wad of paper towels.
She goes back to the couch, cleaning up the piece of sub that
CHARLIE coughed up.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry, Liz.

LIZ throws away the piece of sub, then goes back to CHARLIE.
She sees the partially eaten meatball sub on the floor. She
considers, then picks it up, looking at it.
31.


LIZ
It’s fine.

LIZ brushes it off a bit, then extends it to CHARLIE.
CHARLIE looks at it, then her. He takes the sub. LIZ looks
away, grabbing the remote.

LIZ (CONT’D)
House is on. The one about the guy
whose arm has a mind of its own,
something like that.

LIZ finds the channel, puts the remote down, not looking at
CHARLIE. She goes back to the kitchen, starts washing her
hands.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You want a Dr. Pepper?

Pause.

CHARLIE
(quiet)
I’m sorry.

LIZ
I asked if you want a Dr. Pepper.

Pause.

CHARLIE
(quieter)
I’m sorry.

CHARLIE looks at the meatball sub.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense evening scene, Charlie and Liz attempt to manage Charlie's stress using a stress-measuring machine. As Liz unpacks unhealthy groceries, she confronts Charlie about his daughter Ellie's visit, leading to a heated argument about his involvement in her life. The conflict escalates when Charlie chokes on food, prompting Liz to perform the Heimlich maneuver successfully. After the panic subsides, they settle into a reluctant calm, with Charlie repeatedly apologizing for his actions.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys tension and emotional depth through the interaction between Charlie and Liz. It captures the weight of Charlie's health issues and the strained dynamics between the characters, creating a compelling and intense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complex relationship dynamics and internal struggles of the characters in the face of health issues is well-developed. It adds depth to the narrative and enhances the audience's understanding of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the emotional conflict and character development in the scene. It deepens the audience's engagement with the characters and sets the stage for further exploration of their relationships and challenges.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics in family relationships, explores themes of stress and personal growth, and presents authentic character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie and Liz are richly portrayed, with layers of emotion and complexity. Their interactions reveal depth and vulnerability, adding authenticity to their struggles and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Charlie experiences a moment of realization and vulnerability, facing the consequences of his actions and health issues. Liz confronts her frustrations and struggles to support Charlie, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal is to manage his stress and emotions, as seen through his interactions with Liz and his concern for Ellie. This reflects his deeper need for control and connection.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal is to help Ellie with her schoolwork and reconnect with her. This reflects the immediate challenge of family relationships and responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Charlie's health struggles, emotional turmoil, and Liz's frustration creates a high level of tension in the scene. The emotional conflict and stakes are palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional obstacles challenging the characters' decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Charlie's health crisis, emotional turmoil, and strained relationships heighten the tension and drama in the scene. The characters face significant challenges and decisions with lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics, revealing internal conflicts, and setting the stage for further exploration of the characters' relationships and challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in moments of conflict and vulnerability, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the characters' choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of family dynamics, responsibility, and personal growth. Liz challenges Charlie's approach to helping Ellie and questions his motives, highlighting differing values and perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities. The intense moments and character dynamics leave a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil between Charlie and Liz. It captures their inner thoughts and conflicts, enhancing the scene's intensity and character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intimate character interactions, emotional tension, and realistic portrayal of family dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the scene's impact and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, effectively conveying character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and developments, fitting the expected format for a domestic drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the interplay between Charlie's denial of his health issues and Liz's growing frustration, mirroring the broader themes of the screenplay such as avoidance, isolation, and the consequences of untreated physical and emotional pain. This interaction humanizes both characters, particularly Liz, whose concern and exasperation make her a compelling caregiver figure, while Charlie's repeated apologies reveal his deep-seated guilt and passivity, which are consistent with his character arc throughout the script. However, the scene risks feeling repetitive in its dialogue, with Charlie's constant apologies potentially undermining the emotional weight by making him seem one-dimensional or overly passive, which could alienate viewers if not balanced with moments of agency or growth.
  • Dialogue in the scene is generally naturalistic and reveals character motivations, such as Liz's practical approach to managing Charlie's stress and Charlie's obsession with reconnecting with Ellie, but it occasionally lacks subtext or variation. For instance, the back-and-forth about Ellie visiting and Charlie's health feels direct and expository, which might serve to advance the plot but could benefit from more nuanced exchanges that show rather than tell the characters' emotions. Additionally, the choking incident, while dramatic, feels somewhat abrupt and could be seen as a contrived way to heighten stakes, potentially disrupting the scene's rhythm if it isn't foreshadowed adequately within the context of Charlie's eating habits established in previous scenes.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the motif of denial and the mundane horrors of daily life for someone in Charlie's condition, with elements like the stress machine and unhealthy groceries symbolizing his deteriorating health and lack of self-care. This is visually supported by the cluttered environment, which effectively conveys isolation and decay. However, the scene could explore Liz's character more deeply, as her role often revolves around reacting to Charlie's issues, and giving her more personal stakes or backstory moments might enrich the dynamic and prevent her from feeling like a one-note supporter. Overall, the scene's pacing is solid, building to the choking climax, but it might linger too long on argumentative dialogue, which could slow the momentum in a film already heavy with introspective moments.
  • Visually, the scene uses practical elements like the stress machine and the array of medical supplies in the drawer to great effect, providing a tangible sense of Charlie's ongoing struggle and Liz's makeshift caregiving. This helps immerse the audience in the setting, but there are missed opportunities to enhance emotional resonance through more symbolic or subtle visual cues, such as focusing on Charlie's facial expressions or the contrast between the cozy TV show Liz turns on and the harsh reality of his health. The ending, with Liz offering a Dr. Pepper and turning on the TV, effectively shows their dysfunctional coping mechanism, but it could be critiqued for reinforcing a cycle of avoidance without providing a clear path for character development or resolution in this specific scene.
Suggestions
  • Vary Charlie's dialogue to reduce repetition of apologies; incorporate more physical actions or subtle gestures to convey his guilt, such as avoiding eye contact or fidgeting, to make his character feel more dynamic and less verbose.
  • Add foreshadowing to the choking incident by referencing Charlie's hasty eating habits earlier in the scene or through a brief visual cue, like him wolfing down food in the background, to make the event feel more organic and less sudden.
  • Enhance Liz's character by including a short line or action that reveals her personal struggles, such as a fleeting mention of her own stress or a moment where she pauses to compose herself, to deepen the audience's empathy and balance the focus between the two characters.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as close-ups on the stress machine's readings or the cluttered kitchen, to convey tension and emotion without relying solely on dialogue, which could improve pacing and make the scene more cinematic.
  • Consider tightening the argumentative sections by condensing repetitive lines and focusing on key emotional beats, ensuring the scene maintains momentum and ties more explicitly to the overarching narrative of Charlie's health decline and family reconciliation.



Scene 9 -  Echoes of Memory
EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

Shots of rolling hills in the Palouse, wind rushing over
them. The sound of the wind now starts to fold more
distinctly into the sound of waves, the hills move in way
that begins to resemble an ocean landscape.


TITLE: WEDNESDAY


INT. - BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

A cellphone alarm rings. CHARLIE, asleep on the mattress on
the floor of his bedroom, jolts awake. He is covered in
sweat, his heart is pounding.
32.


He stares up at the ceiling, wheezing. His cellphone alarm
continues to ring, he reaches across the mattress to where
his phone is resting, turning off the alarm. He breathes.


INT. - KITCHEN - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

CHARLIE is in the kitchen, looking for food. The television
is on in the background playing daytime TV.

He searches through a few drawers, finds an old box of
Slimfast breakfast bars that are at least two years old. He
opens up the box, takes out a couple bars and starts eating
them.

He turns to the fridge and opens it, discovers there is very
little food. He takes out the pizza box from before, looks
inside--only a few crusts remain. He takes them out, starts
eating them. He looks around the fridge, sees a large jar of
mayonnaise that is about half-empty. He looks at it for a
second, considers, then takes it.

He takes the remaining crusts, dips them in mayonnaise and
eats them.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Leaning on his walker and breathing heavily, CHARLIE is at a
bookcase looking through several old notebooks. Most of them
are old and well-worn.

Finally he finds what he was looking for--a blank notebook
with a purple cover. He grabs it, tries to pull it off the
shelf. The notebook is wedged in well, he keeps tugging at
it.

Finally the notebook gives way. As he pulls it off the
shelf, a few pieces of paper that were stuck beside the
notebook fall to the ground. CHARLIE looks at them.

CHARLIE see that the papers are an old essay, somewhere
around fifteen years old, on Faulkner’s The Sound and the
Fury. CHARLIE stares at it.


INT. - BEDROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE leans against his walker, facing some shelves on his
bedroom wall. He is staring at an old, worn box underneath
some papers on the top shelf. He breathes in and out.
33.


Leaning against his walker, he reaches for the box with one
hand. He can barely reach the box, but is unable to get a
decent grip on it.

He reaches up again, his knees buckle and he nearly falls to
the ground. He catches himself on his walker, wheezing.

He looks back up at the box.


INT. - BEDROOM - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE has retrieved his reaching claw, he is leaning on his
walker, reaching up toward the box.

With the claw he’s finally able to get a grip on the box. He
pulls it off the shelf, it falls to the ground. He looks at
it.


INT. - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE collapses down onto his mattress from his walker,
wheezing heavily. He reaches over, pulling the box toward
him.

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out the essay from before
on The Sound and the Fury.

He holds the essay in his hand, looking at the box,
hesitating.

Finally, he opens up the box.

Inside are a few framed photos, a Bible, some small trinkets
including a seashell.

CHARLIE looks into the box for a moment, considering taking
the photos out to look at.

He stares at the open box for a moment, becoming upset. He
holds back a wave of tears, gasping slightly. He has a sharp
pain in his chest, he winces.

He quickly throws the essay inside the box, shutting it. He
puts the box on the ground, shoving it a few feet away from
him. He looks away, breathing heavily.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a dream-like sequence set against the rolling hills of the Palouse, Charlie wakes up in distress and navigates his solitary day filled with physical struggles and emotional turmoil. He scavenges for food, reflecting on his past as he interacts with old notebooks and personal mementos. The scene captures his isolation and the weight of suppressed memories, culminating in a moment of emotional distress as he confronts the contents of a box filled with significant items, ultimately pushing it away in anguish.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Reflective atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Charlie's emotional depth and physical challenges, creating a poignant and introspective atmosphere. The exploration of his past through the box of memories adds layers to his character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting past memories and the emotional impact they have on Charlie is compelling. It adds depth to his character and sets the stage for further exploration of his inner conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot progression focuses on Charlie's internal journey triggered by the discovery of the box of memories. It advances his character development and sets up potential future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring a character's emotional journey through subtle actions and minimal dialogue. The authenticity of Charlie's struggles and the unique setting contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene delves deep into Charlie's character, showcasing his vulnerabilities, regrets, and emotional struggles. It adds layers to his persona and sets the stage for potential growth.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie undergoes a subtle but significant emotional change as he confronts the memories in the box, reflecting on his past and facing his regrets. This sets the stage for potential growth and resolution.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past and the emotions tied to it, as seen through his interactions with the old essay and the box of memories. This reflects his deeper need for closure, resolution, and emotional healing.

External Goal: 6

Charlie's external goal is to physically retrieve and confront the contents of the box on the top shelf. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he faces in accessing his past and dealing with the associated emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around Charlie's emotional struggles and past regrets. It sets the stage for potential external conflicts based on his inner turmoil.

Opposition: 6.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Charlie facing internal obstacles related to his past and emotional turmoil. The audience is kept uncertain about how he will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily internal, revolving around Charlie's emotional well-being and past regrets. While not immediately life-threatening, they hold significant importance for his character arc.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene focuses more on character development and introspection, it lays the groundwork for future plot developments by deepening Charlie's internal conflicts and setting up potential resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about Charlie's emotional reactions and the resolution of his internal conflicts. The subtle actions and reactions add layers of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene lies in Charlie's struggle between confronting his past and avoiding the pain it brings. This challenges his beliefs about closure, memory, and emotional resilience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Charlie's vulnerability, regrets, and physical challenges. It resonates with the audience, creating a poignant and introspective atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but serves the purpose of highlighting Charlie's internal turmoil and past regrets. It could benefit from more poignant exchanges to enhance emotional impact.

Engagement: 7.5

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in Charlie's internal struggles through visual and auditory cues, creating a sense of empathy and curiosity about his past.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of introspection and action to unfold in a balanced manner. It enhances the scene's impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and character actions. It enhances the readability and visual representation of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The shifts between locations and actions contribute to the overall narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses visual and auditory motifs, such as the transition from wind-swept hills to ocean waves, to reinforce the thematic elements of emotional turmoil and isolation that are central to Charlie's character and the overall script. This non-verbal storytelling is a strength, as it immerses the audience in Charlie's internal world without relying on dialogue, making his physical and emotional struggles palpable. However, this approach risks becoming repetitive if similar sequences of Charlie's daily routines—such as scavenging for food or experiencing chest pain—have been depicted in earlier scenes (e.g., scenes 4, 5, and 8), potentially diluting the impact and making the narrative feel stagnant. To maintain engagement, the scene could benefit from more variation in pacing or a clearer progression in Charlie's emotional arc.
  • Charlie's actions, like eating expired food and struggling with his walker, vividly illustrate his decline and denial, which aligns with the script's exploration of themes like regret and avoidance. The discovery of the old essay and the contents of the box provide a glimpse into his past, adding depth to his character by hinting at unresolved grief, possibly related to his late partner Alan (as referenced in later scenes). That said, the emotional climax—where Charlie becomes upset, experiences chest pain, and shuts the box—feels somewhat abrupt and underexplored. Without additional context or buildup, it may not fully land for the audience, especially if viewers are not yet familiar with the significance of the items in the box, which could leave them confused or disconnected from the emotional weight.
  • The scene's structure, with multiple location shifts within Charlie's apartment (bedroom, kitchen, living room), mirrors his fragmented state of mind and emphasizes his isolation. This is cinematically effective, using confined spaces to heighten the sense of claustrophobia and introspection. However, the lack of any interpersonal interaction or external conflict makes the scene feel insular and slow-paced, which might challenge audience attention in a film format. Given that this is scene 9 out of 29, it's appropriately placed to deepen character development early on, but it could be more dynamic by incorporating subtle hints of the larger narrative, such as foreshadowing future events or tying back to the voice-over elements from scene 1, to better integrate it into the story's momentum.
  • The absence of dialogue is a deliberate choice that focuses on Charlie's solitary existence, allowing for powerful visual storytelling, but it also limits the audience's insight into his thoughts. For instance, the old essay on Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury could be a rich opportunity to parallel Charlie's own chaotic life, yet it's presented without much explanation, which might alienate viewers who aren't familiar with the literary reference. This could be strengthened by using visual cues or symbolic actions to make the connection clearer, ensuring that the scene not only serves character development but also educates the audience on thematic undertones without breaking the flow.
  • Overall, the scene successfully conveys Charlie's deteriorating health and emotional repression, contributing to the script's tone of melancholy and introspection. However, it risks feeling like a series of disconnected vignettes rather than a cohesive unit because the transitions between actions (e.g., from kitchen to living room to bedroom) are abrupt and lack smooth segues. This could be improved by tightening the editing or adding transitional elements that build tension, making the scene more engaging and purposeful in advancing Charlie's character arc toward the story's climax.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtle flashbacks or visual overlays during moments like Charlie staring at the essay or the box to provide brief, non-disruptive insights into his past, helping to clarify emotional stakes and reduce ambiguity for the audience without adding dialogue.
  • Vary the pacing by intercutting Charlie's mundane actions with quicker cuts or closer shots during moments of physical struggle, such as reaching for the box, to heighten tension and prevent the scene from feeling monotonous; this could also emphasize his vulnerability and make the emotional beats more impactful.
  • Enhance the symbolic elements by making the contents of the box more directly relevant to the narrative— for example, have Charlie briefly glance at a photo that ties back to earlier scenes or foreshadows his relationship with Ellie, ensuring the scene contributes to character development and plot progression.
  • Add micro-tensions or small surprises within the routine actions, such as Charlie hesitating longer over the mayonnaise or the notebook getting stuck in a more frustrating way, to build suspense and keep the audience engaged, while maintaining the scene's introspective tone.
  • Consider adding a auditory layer, like faint echoes of the ocean waves motif during Charlie's emotional peak, to reinforce thematic connections and create a more immersive experience, linking this scene more fluidly to the script's recurring symbols and improving overall cohesion.



Scene 10 -  Tensions and Connections
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

ELLIE sits in a corner, typing on her iPhone. CHARLIE is on
the couch reading an essay. ELLIE continues to type.
34.


CHARLIE steals a few glances at ELLIE. ELLIE doesn’t look up
from her phone.

ELLIE, sensing him look at her, finally puts her phone down
and glares at him. CHARLIE smiles at her, she stares at him
stone-faced.

CHARLIE
Sorry.

ELLIE goes back to typing on her phone. CHARLIE looks at the
essay for a moment.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
(reading)
“In the poem ‘Song of Myself’ by
Walt Whitman, the author tells us
how amazing he is. He tells us
that he is better than everyone
else, and that people should listen
to what he says, because he is so
wonderful.”

He looks to ELLIE, she is unmoved. She continues to type on
her phone.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You know, this--... This isn’t
what the poem is about.

ELLIE
Yes it is. I read it.

CHARLIE
But he’s not really talking about
himself, he’s using the metaphor of
“I” to explode the entire
definition of self to--

ELLIE
Oh my God I don’t care.

Pause. ELLIE continues to type, not looking at CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
You know I actually think you might
like it if you actually read it--

ELLIE finally looks up from her iPhone, looks at CHARLIE.
35.


ELLIE
You’re just like my teachers, you
think that just because I don’t
like it, that means I didn’t read
it.

CHARLIE
I didn’t say that--

ELLIE
I did read it, which is how I know
it’s bullshit. He thinks his
“metaphor of I” is deep and shit,
but actually it doesn’t mean
anything and he’s just some
worthless 19th century faggot.

Pause. ELLIE stares at him for a moment. CHARLIE looks back
at her, unhurt, a hint of a smile on his face. ELLIE waits
for a response, doesn’t get one, then goes back to her phone.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Just write down what you were
saying, my English teacher will
love that.

CHARLIE looks at the essay again, reads a few more sentences.
His eyes drift back to ELLIE.

CHARLIE puts his hand on the edge of the couch, nervously
teasing a loose thread.

CHARLIE
How’s your mom doing?

ELLIE
Oh my God.

ELLIE grabs her backpack, stands up.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
If you’re not gonna write these
essays for me--

CHARLIE
Look, Ellie, I don’t need you here
to write this for you. If you want
to go, you can go. You can still
have the money.

Pause.

ELLIE
Really?
36.


CHARLIE nods.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I thought you wanted to get to know
me.

CHARLIE
I do, but I don’t want to force you
to be here.

Pause. ELLIE considers. Finally she puts her backpack down.
She goes to the box of donuts on the coffee table in front of
CHARLIE, takes one, and sits down.

ELLIE
She’s fine. Mom. I guess.

ELLIE picks at the donut. CHARLIE smiles at her.

CHARLIE
Is she--happy?

ELLIE
When she drinks.

CHARLIE
Oh.
(pause)
You guys still live over in that
duplex over on Orchard?

ELLIE
You don’t even know where we live?
How did you get my cell phone
number?

CHARLIE
Facebook.

Pause.

ELLIE
You don’t stay in touch with mom?

CHARLIE
Sometimes. She really only tells
me things about you.

ELLIE
Why?

CHARLIE
Because that’s all I ask about.
37.


Pause. ELLIE gets up, starts wandering around the room,
examining things. She looks through a bookshelf, glances
around the kitchen.

ELLIE
When I was little we moved to the
other side of town, near the Circle
K.

CHARLIE
Is your mother--with anyone right
now?

ELLIE
No. Why, you interested?

CHARLIE
Oh, no, I just--

ELLIE
I’m kidding. How could you be with
anyone?

ELLIE looks at a bookshelf, spots a framed photo shoved
toward the back of the shelf, face down. She grabs it,
looking at the photo. The photo is roughly ten years old,
it’s a picture of CHARLIE in his 30s. He is standing on the
beach of the Oregon coast next to a thinner man, a few years
younger than him. They both look bright, happy, young.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Why did you gain all that weight?

ELLIE takes the framed photo in her hands, looking at it.

CHARLIE
Oh, that’s not--

ELLIE
If you’re gonna interrogate me I’m
gonna do the same thing. Why did
you gain all that weight?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Someone close to me passed away,
and it--... It had an effect on
me.

ELLIE turns to CHARLIE, holds up the framed photo. CHARLIE
looks at the photo, nodding slightly.
38.


CHARLIE continues to play with the loose thread on the couch,
his heartbeat rising a bit.

ELLIE looks at the photo again.

ELLIE
Your boyfriend.

CHARLIE
My partner.

Pause.

ELLIE
How did you meet him?

CHARLIE
At the U of I, he was a student of
mine.

ELLIE
Ew.

CHARLIE
He was only a few years younger
than me. He took a few years off
before going to school--

ELLIE
How did he die?

Pause.

CHARLIE
You know, I--. I’d really rather
not talk about this right now, if
that’s alright.

ELLIE rolls her eyes, puts the framed photo on the shelf,
facing out. She goes back to her seat, takes out her iPhone
again.

CHARLIE reaches behind the couch, takes out the purple
notebook.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’ll write these essays for you,
but I’d like you to do some
writing, just for me?

ELLIE
You were serious about that?
39.


CHARLIE extends the notebook to ELLIE. She looks up from her
iPhone, doesn’t take the notebook.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I hate writing essays.

CHARLIE
Just think about the poem for a
while, and write something. Be
honest, tell me what you really
think.

ELLIE
You want me to write what I really
think?

CHARLIE
Yes. Really.

CHARLIE keeps the notebook extended toward ELLIE. ELLIE
stares at him for a second, then grabs the notebook. She
opens it up, grabs a pen, starts writing.

CHARLIE reaches for his walker.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’m going to go to the bathroom,
but when I’m done I’ll work on--

ELLIE
I’m not helping you to the
bathroom.

CHARLIE
I didn’t ask you to help.

With a lot of effort and pain, CHARLIE manages to brace
himself on the walker and stand up. He slowly heads down the
hall toward the bathroom, ELLIE continues to type on her
phone, watching him from the corner of her eye.

CHARLIE continues down the hall into the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Charlie's living room, Ellie is initially absorbed in her iPhone while Charlie reads an essay, leading to a tense exchange about Walt Whitman's 'Song of Myself.' Despite Charlie's attempts to engage her in a deeper discussion, Ellie dismisses him rudely, revealing her frustration with authority figures. The conversation shifts to Ellie's mother, prompting her to threaten to leave, but she ultimately stays after Charlie reassures her about payment. As Ellie explores Charlie's belongings, she discovers a photo of him with his late partner, leading to a brief, poignant discussion about loss. The scene concludes with Charlie struggling to use his walker to go to the bathroom, while Ellie observes him, highlighting their complex emotional dynamics.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional intensity and complexity of the relationship between Charlie and Ellie, providing insight into their characters and setting up potential growth and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationship between a father and daughter, delving into past traumas and misunderstandings, is compelling and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the emotional exchange between Charlie and Ellie, revealing layers of their history and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the dynamics between characters engaging in intellectual discourse, blending elements of conflict, emotion, and personal history. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals deeper layers of the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie and Ellie are well-developed, with their distinct personalities and conflicting emotions driving the scene forward. Their interactions reveal vulnerabilities and complexities.

Character Changes: 8

Both Charlie and Ellie undergo emotional shifts during the scene, revealing vulnerabilities and complexities that could lead to potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal is to assert her independence and intelligence, while also seeking validation and understanding from Charlie. Her behavior reflects a desire to be seen and heard for her true thoughts and feelings.

External Goal: 7.5

Charlie's external goal is to connect with Ellie on a deeper level and potentially help her with her essays. He also aims to understand her better and establish a meaningful relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Charlie and Ellie is palpable, with underlying tensions and unresolved issues driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, emotional barriers, and unresolved issues creating obstacles for the characters to navigate.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of emotional impact and potential for character growth, as the confrontation between Charlie and Ellie could have lasting effects on their relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of the characters and their relationships, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, unexpected revelations, and emotional outbursts that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between Ellie's dismissive attitude towards literature and Charlie's belief in the depth and meaning of literary works. This conflict challenges their values and perspectives on art and self-expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the raw and honest exchange between Charlie and Ellie, delving into their past traumas and current struggles.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and emotional depth of the scene. It effectively reveals the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the intense emotional exchanges between the characters, the underlying tension, and the unfolding of personal histories and conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing for moments of reflection and confrontation to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. It allows for a smooth flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and progression of dialogue. It effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene effectively captures the tense, adversarial dynamic between Charlie and Ellie, showcasing Ellie's deep-seated resentment and Charlie's persistent attempts at connection. This interaction feels authentic and builds on the established conflict from previous scenes, such as Ellie's hostility in scene 6, helping to deepen the audience's understanding of their fractured relationship. However, Ellie's use of blunt, derogatory language (e.g., calling Whitman a 'worthless 19th century faggot') risks coming across as overly simplistic or stereotypical, potentially alienating viewers if it doesn't evolve to reveal more nuanced layers of her character, such as underlying pain or insecurity driving her abrasiveness.
  • Charlie's character is portrayed with consistent patience and kindness, which aligns with his overall arc of seeking redemption and connection, but his minimal reactions to Ellie's insults and provocations make him seem overly passive. This lack of emotional pushback could diminish his dimensionality, as it doesn't fully convey the internal turmoil he's experiencing—evident in his physical struggles elsewhere in the script. Strengthening his responses with subtle visual or verbal cues, like a brief flash of hurt in his eyes or a hesitant pause, would make him more relatable and humanize his desperation without altering his core traits.
  • The visual elements, such as Ellie discovering and examining the old photo of Charlie and his late partner, provide a poignant moment that adds depth to Charlie's backstory and hints at his emotional isolation. This is a strength, as it uses props effectively to reveal character history without exposition-heavy dialogue. However, the scene's reliance on static actions—like Ellie typing on her phone and Charlie reading the essay—can make it feel repetitive and slow-paced, potentially disengaging the audience. Incorporating more varied blocking or environmental interactions could enhance the visual storytelling and maintain momentum.
  • The conflict in this scene is primarily interpersonal and emotional, focusing on themes of honesty, family estrangement, and regret, which are central to the screenplay. It successfully escalates tension through Ellie's threats to leave and Charlie's offers of money and help, but it doesn't resolve or advance the conflict in a meaningful way, leaving the characters in a similar state of antagonism as in scene 6. This might make the scene feel like a holding pattern rather than a pivotal moment, especially since it directly leads into Charlie's vulnerable bathroom scene; ensuring each scene contributes to character growth or plot progression would strengthen its role in the narrative arc.
  • Overall, the scene maintains a somber, introspective tone that fits the film's themes of isolation and decay, with Charlie's physical struggles (e.g., standing with the walker) reinforcing his deteriorating health. However, the lack of subtext in some exchanges, such as Charlie's abrupt shift to asking about Ellie's mom, can make the dialogue feel expository rather than organic. By layering in more implicit emotional undercurrents, the scene could better engage viewers emotionally and provide a clearer path to the cathartic moments later in the script.
Suggestions
  • Refine Ellie's dialogue to include more subtext and complexity; for example, instead of direct insults, have her use sarcasm or indirect jabs that hint at her own insecurities, making her character more sympathetic and less one-dimensional.
  • Add visual indicators of Charlie's internal conflict, such as close-up shots of his hands trembling or his face showing fleeting expressions of pain, to convey his emotions without relying solely on dialogue, enhancing the audience's empathy and the scene's depth.
  • Tighten the pacing by reducing repetitive actions, like Ellie constantly typing on her phone, and intercut with more dynamic elements, such as Charlie's fidgeting or environmental details, to keep the scene engaging and prevent it from dragging.
  • Incorporate a small escalation or revelation in the conflict, such as Charlie sharing a brief, personal anecdote related to the photo that ties into the poem's themes, to make the scene more impactful and better connect to the overarching narrative of honesty and redemption.
  • Ensure a smoother transition to the next scene by foreshadowing Charlie's emotional breakdown in the bathroom; for instance, have him pause briefly before leaving, showing a moment of hesitation that builds anticipation and links the scenes more cohesively.



Scene 11 -  Struggles Behind Closed Doors
INT. - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE barely manages to make his way through the bathroom
door. He flicks on the light switch.

Around the toilet there are some cinder blocks that CHARLIE
uses for bracing and for lifting himself on and off the
toilet.
40.


CHARLIE looks at himself in the mirror for a moment,
breathing heavily. He fights a wave of tears.

He looks away from himself, then goes to the toilet, wanting
to sit down for a moment to calm himself down.

He braces himself on the cinder blocks, then slowly lowers
himself down onto the toilet seat. He finally manages to
sit.

The wave of tears comes back, nearly overtaking him. He
stifles it as best he can.

ELLIE (O.S.)
Unless you’re dying, I’m not coming
in there.

CHARLIE
No, it’s... I’m fine.

CHARLIE breathes in and out, struggling to calm down.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Charlie battles his physical and emotional challenges in the bathroom, using cinder blocks for support as he attempts to sit on the toilet. Overwhelmed by tears, he fights to maintain composure while Ellie, off-screen, expresses concern about his well-being. Their brief exchange highlights the distance in their relationship, with Charlie insisting he is fine despite his visible distress. The scene captures Charlie's vulnerability and the weight of his internal struggles as he focuses on calming himself.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Intimate portrayal
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a deep sense of emotional turmoil and vulnerability through Charlie's actions and inner struggles, creating a poignant and intimate moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Charlie's vulnerability and emotional pain in a moment of solitude is compelling and well-executed, adding depth to the character.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves as a crucial moment for character development and emotional depth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on vulnerability and emotional struggle, portraying a raw and honest depiction of the protagonist's inner turmoil. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into Charlie's character, showcasing his emotional struggles and vulnerability, making him a complex and relatable figure.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie experiences a moment of introspection and vulnerability, showcasing a deeper layer of his character and emotional depth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to calm himself down and suppress his emotions, as seen through his struggle with tears and breathing heavily. This reflects his need for emotional control and stability in a difficult situation.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal is to reassure Ellie that he is fine, despite his emotional turmoil. This reflects his immediate need to maintain a facade of normalcy and avoid worrying others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, focusing on Charlie's emotional and physical struggles rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the protagonist's internal emotional conflict, adds complexity and depth to the narrative, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are high on an emotional level as Charlie grapples with his physical and emotional pain, highlighting the fragility of his situation.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene doesn't significantly move the plot forward, it adds depth to Charlie's character and sets the emotional tone for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6.5

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional depth and the protagonist's struggle to maintain composure, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the protagonist's internal struggle between vulnerability and strength, as he battles his emotions while trying to appear composed for Ellie. This challenges his beliefs about self-reliance and emotional expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of empathy and compassion for Charlie's plight.

Dialogue: 7

The minimal dialogue enhances the introspective nature of the scene, focusing more on Charlie's internal monologue and emotional journey.

Engagement: 7.5

This scene is engaging because of its raw emotional intensity and the relatable struggle of the protagonist, drawing the audience into his internal turmoil.

Pacing: 7.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to experience the protagonist's turmoil in a compelling manner.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, ensuring clarity and readability for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and inner conflict, aligning with the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Charlie's physical and emotional vulnerability, using minimal dialogue to focus on his solitary struggle. The visual of Charlie using cinder blocks around the toilet is a poignant detail that underscores his deteriorating health and the adaptations he's made to his environment, providing a stark, realistic portrayal that aligns with the script's themes of isolation and decline. It builds on the tension from the previous scene, where Charlie's interaction with Ellie was fraught, allowing for a moment of introspection that deepens the audience's understanding of his internal conflict.
  • However, the scene risks feeling repetitive in the context of the larger script, as Charlie's physical struggles and emotional suppression are recurring motifs. While this reinforces his character arc, it may not offer enough new insight or progression, potentially making it seem like a filler moment rather than a pivotal one. The mirror scene, in particular, is a common cinematic trope for self-reflection, and while it's handled with restraint here, it could benefit from more originality to avoid clichés and better integrate with the script's unique elements, such as the Palouse landscape morphing into ocean waves.
  • Ellie's off-screen dialogue interrupts the intimacy of Charlie's private moment, which could dilute the emotional impact. Her line feels somewhat out of place, as it introduces a external voice that shifts focus from Charlie's internal experience to their strained relationship, but it doesn't fully capitalize on this shift to advance the story or reveal more about their dynamic. This could make the scene feel disjointed, especially since the preceding scene ended with Ellie watching Charlie leave, setting up an expectation for continuity that isn't fully explored here.
  • The pacing is slow and deliberate, which suits the introspective tone, but in a script with 29 scenes, this brevity (estimated screen time around 30-45 seconds based on description) might not allow enough time for the emotional weight to resonate fully. The scene ends abruptly with Charlie calming himself, leaving the audience with a sense of unresolved tension that could be more effectively tied to the narrative arc, such as linking his tears to specific memories from earlier scenes, like his reflections on Moby Dick or his past with Alan.
  • Overall, while the scene successfully conveys Charlie's loneliness and the physical toll of his condition, it could strengthen its role in the story by more explicitly connecting to the script's central themes of regret, family, and mortality. As scene 11, it's early enough to establish character depth, but it should ideally plant seeds for later developments, such as his eventual reconciliation with Ellie, without relying solely on visual misery; adding layers of subtext or foreshadowing could make it more engaging and less one-note.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth by adding subtle visual or auditory cues that reference earlier scenes, such as incorporating the sound of wind or waves to echo the Palouse motif, making Charlie's moment of reflection feel more connected to the script's thematic elements and providing a smoother transition between his internal and external worlds.
  • Revise Ellie's off-screen line to either make it more integral to the scene—perhaps by having her comment reflect her own insecurities or by using it to heighten the tension—or consider removing it if the focus is meant to be solely on Charlie's solitude, allowing the audience to linger in his vulnerability without interruption, which could intensify the emotional impact.
  • Incorporate more detailed action descriptions to emphasize Charlie's physical struggle, such as describing his labored breathing, the strain on his face, or the way his hands tremble, to make the scene more visceral and immersive, helping the audience empathize more deeply and avoiding potential monotony in the portrayal of his condition.
  • Experiment with the pacing by either extending the scene slightly to allow for a brief flashback or memory trigger (e.g., a quick cut to a photo or a line from a poem) that explains the source of his tears, or condense it to maintain momentum, ensuring it serves as a brief but powerful beat in Charlie's arc rather than a standalone moment of despair.
  • To improve thematic consistency, suggest weaving in elements that foreshadow future events, like having Charlie glance at a object in the bathroom that relates to his teaching or family, which could subtly build anticipation for his interactions in later scenes and make this moment feel more purposeful within the overall narrative structure.



Scene 12 -  Confrontation at the Door
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE is standing halfway down the hall, holding the
notebook. She looks at the bedroom door silently.

Suddenly we hear the sound of flapping wings near the window,
ELLIE looks and sees the bird from before.

ELLIE approaches the window, sees the plate with bread crumbs
on it.

A knock at the front door. ELLIE looks toward the front
door, then at the bedroom, considering calling out for
CHARLIE.

Another knock.

Finally, she goes to the front door. THOMAS stands in the
doorway.

THOMAS
Oh. Hi.

ELLIE doesn’t respond, staring at him silently.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
I was--looking for Charlie?

ELLIE
He’s in the bathroom.
41.


THOMAS
Oh. I can come back if--

ELLIE opens the door wider, beckons him inside.

THOMAS pauses, then cautiously makes his way inside. ELLIE
shuts the door behind him, takes a seat, stares at him.
THOMAS awkwardly smiles at her.

Pause.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Are you his--friend?

ELLIE
I’m his daughter.

Pause.

THOMAS
Oh, I didn’t know that.

ELLIE
Are you surprised?

THOMAS
Well, yeah, I guess.

ELLIE
What’s more surprising? That a gay
guy has a daughter, or that someone
found his penis?

Pause. THOMAS makes a move toward the front door.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I’m kidding, Jesus.

THOMAS stops, looks at her.

An awkward silence.

THOMAS
I, uh. I’m with New Life Church, I
was just here to talk to Charlie
about--

ELLIE
Oh.

ELLIE smiles, having figured out something about him. THOMAS
awkwardly stays standing, unsure of what to do.
42.


ELLIE (CONT’D)
I’ll tell you one thing I like
about religion.

THOMAS looks at her, unsure of how to respond. He gives her
a slight smile, a slight shrug.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
What I like about religion is that
it assumes everyone is an idiot and
that they’re incapable of saving
themselves. I think they got
something right with that.

THOMAS
Well I don’t really--

ELLIE glares at him, THOMAS stops. Short pause.

ELLIE
But what I don’t like about
religion is that when people accept
Jesus or whatever, they suddenly
think they’re better than everyone
else. That by accepting the fact
that they’re stupid sinners they’ve
somehow become better, and they
turn into assholes.

ELLIE stares at THOMAS. Pause.

THOMAS
I--don’t really know what to say--

ELLIE takes out her iPhone, snaps a picture of THOMAS.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Why did you just do that?

ELLIE
Are you coming back tomorrow?

THOMAS
I’m--. I’m not sure?

ELLIE
Come back tomorrow, I’ll be here
around the same time.

ELLIE smiles at him, THOMAS stares back at her, baffled.

CHARLIE appears in the hallway, he sees THOMAS.
43.


CHARLIE
Oh.

THOMAS
Hi, um. I was just--

ELLIE takes a picture of CHARLIE with her iPhone, then grabs
her backpack, starts gathering her things. She leaves the
notebook behind.

ELLIE
(to CHARLIE)
You’ll have that one done by
tomorrow?

CHARLIE
Sure.

ELLIE
Five page minimum.

CHARLIE
It’ll be good, I promise.

ELLIE turns to THOMAS.

ELLIE
I’m Ellie.

Pause.

THOMAS
Thomas.

Pause, ELLIE studies him. THOMAS smiles at her awkwardly.
Finally, ELLIE leaves.

CHARLIE notices the framed photo of himself and his partner
on the shelf, looks at it briefly. He reaches up and turns
it over, putting it face down.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
So!

CHARLIE turns to THOMAS.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
I’d love to share God’s word with
you.

CHARLIE looks at him.
44.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Ellie observes the living room and hears a bird at the window before answering a knock at the door. She finds Thomas from New Life Church, looking for her father, Charlie. Their conversation is awkward as Ellie confronts Thomas about religion with sarcasm and takes photos of him and Charlie. After Ellie reminds Charlie about an assignment, she leaves, and Charlie turns a framed photo of his late partner face down, signaling his internal struggle as Thomas attempts to engage him in conversation about faith.
Strengths
  • Complex character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be improved in certain moments
  • Some interactions feel slightly forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys tension and emotional depth through the awkward interactions between Ellie, Thomas, and Charlie, providing insight into their relationships and inner struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family relationships, religious beliefs, and personal struggles is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and advancing the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interactions between Ellie, Thomas, and Charlie, revealing underlying conflicts and setting the stage for further character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on religion, family dynamics, and identity, with authentic character interactions and unexpected twists.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and motivations that drive the scene forward. Ellie's rebellious nature, Thomas's religious beliefs, and Charlie's vulnerability are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 8

Ellie, Thomas, and Charlie undergo subtle changes in their interactions, revealing new facets of their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal is to assert her identity and challenge societal norms, as seen in her witty and confrontational dialogue with Thomas.

External Goal: 7

Ellie's external goal is to navigate the unexpected visit from Thomas and maintain control of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene features interpersonal conflicts, emotional tension, and contrasting beliefs, creating a palpable sense of unease and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle yet impactful, creating uncertainty and tension in the character interactions.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and relational dynamics between the characters add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing character relationships, introducing conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and revelations, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between religious beliefs and personal autonomy, highlighting Ellie's skepticism towards organized religion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and awkwardness to vulnerability and reflection, engaging the audience and deepening the character dynamics.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and conflicts effectively, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the scene's impact and character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, facilitating clear visualization of the scene's progression.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, effectively building tension and character dynamics through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension from the previous scene, where Charlie is emotionally vulnerable in the bathroom, by shifting focus to Ellie and introducing an interaction with Thomas. This creates a sense of continuity and escalating interpersonal dynamics, highlighting Ellie's confrontational personality and Thomas's awkwardness, which aligns with the overall themes of isolation, family conflict, and religious intrusion in the screenplay. However, the dialogue feels somewhat heavy-handed and expository, particularly Ellie's rant about religion, which comes across as a direct attack rather than a nuanced expression of her character, potentially alienating viewers who might see it as stereotypical teen rebellion without sufficient grounding in her backstory.
  • Pacing in the scene is uneven, with multiple pauses and awkward silences that aim to convey discomfort but can drag if not executed with strong direction or editing. The rapid shift from Ellie's sarcastic banter to her abrupt departure after taking photos feels disjointed, lacking smooth transitions that could heighten the emotional impact or build suspense. Additionally, the visual elements, such as the bird and bread crumbs, are a nice callback to earlier motifs symbolizing Charlie's loneliness and connection to nature, but they are underutilized here, serving more as background details rather than integral to the scene's progression or thematic depth.
  • Character development is partially effective, as Ellie's hostility and Thomas's passivity reinforce their established traits, but the interaction doesn't advance their arcs significantly. Thomas, in particular, comes across as a reactive figure with little agency, which might make him seem like a plot device rather than a fully realized character. The scene also misses an opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of Charlie's absence during this exchange, as it could have shown how his physical and emotional state from Scene 11 influences the dynamics, making the transition feel abrupt and less cohesive with the larger narrative of Charlie's decline and family reconciliation.
  • Thematically, the scene touches on key elements like religion's role in human vulnerability and the generational divide, but it could benefit from more subtle integration to avoid feeling preachy. For instance, Ellie's invitation for Thomas to return the next day sets up future conflict but lacks clear motivation, which might confuse viewers about her intentions. Overall, while the scene successfully introduces tension and foreshadows events, it could be more engaging by balancing dialogue with visual storytelling and ensuring that character interactions serve to propel the story forward rather than just filling space.
Suggestions
  • Refine Ellie's dialogue to make it more personal and less generic; for example, tie her rant about religion to specific experiences from her life, as hinted in earlier scenes, to add authenticity and depth, making her character more relatable and less one-dimensional.
  • Improve pacing by incorporating more visual beats or actions during the awkward silences, such as Ellie fidgeting with the notebook or Thomas glancing around the room uncomfortably, to maintain viewer interest and emphasize the emotional undercurrents without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Enhance character development by giving Thomas a small moment of agency, like him attempting to steer the conversation or showing a subtle reaction that hints at his own insecurities, which could make the interaction more dynamic and build empathy for him earlier in the story.
  • Strengthen visual and thematic elements by expanding on the bird motif; for instance, have Ellie observe the bird more intently, drawing a parallel to her own feelings of entrapment or freedom, to create a more symbolic layer that ties into Charlie's emotional state and improves the scene's integration with the film's overarching themes.



Scene 13 -  Confrontation and Care
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

CHARLIE is on the couch, looking through some pamphlets
absent-mindedly. THOMAS holds a Bible.

THOMAS
I mean the Bible says that no one
will know the precise day or hour,
but the signs are there. God’s
sending us warning that it’s
coming.

CHARLIE looks turns a page in the pamphlet. There is an
illustration of hundreds of people floating up to heaven from
out of a hellish city landscape.

CHARLIE flips a page, the phrase “THE DAY IS COMING” appears
in bold letters.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
What’s going on in Israel right
now, I mean really what’s happening
all over the Middle East, it’s all
there in Revelation, you just have
to--

CHARLIE
You really think the world is gonna
end soon?

THOMAS
I mean I think there’s really good
reason to believe that we’re living
in end times--

CHARLIE
And that doesn’t... Bother you?

CHARLIE flips another page in the pamphlet. There is an
illustration of a thoroughly Caucasian Jesus, his arms open
wide.

THOMAS
No, it--. I think it’s a great
gift. I think it’s...

CHARLIE turns to THOMAS. THOMAS thinks, looking at his
hands.
45.


THOMAS (CONT’D)
The idea that there’s a better
world coming to replace this one,
that we can be released from this
life, from our worldly desires and
faults, and--. It’s just...

CHARLIE looks at him. THOMAS continues to look at his hands.

CHARLIE
Oh.

THOMAS quickly regains himself.

THOMAS
So the restoration of the state of
Israel is probably the biggest sign
of Christ’s coming, so we probably--

CHARLIE puts down the pamphlet.

CHARLIE
Look, I--. I’m sorry, I don’t mean
to be rude, but... I know all
this.

THOMAS
What do you mean?

CHARLIE
I’ve probably read just about
everything written about New Life
Church, probably every pamphlet
they’ve ever published--

THOMAS
Oh well--. I mean that’s great,
but if you actually read
Revelation, you’ll see that--

CHARLIE
I’ve read the Bible.

Pause. THOMAS looks at him, smiling.

THOMAS
Oh yeah?

CHARLIE
Sure. Couple times.

THOMAS
Did you... Like it?
46.


Pause.

CHARLIE
I thought it was... Devastating.
God creates us, expels us from
paradise, then we wander around for
thousands of years killing each
other before he comes back and
sends most of us to hell.

Pause. THOMAS thumbs through his Bible a bit.

THOMAS
Yeah, I never really thought about
it like that, but.

Finally, THOMAS sighs, puts down the Bible. He sits next to
CHARLIE.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
You have to understand--when God
comes again? It’s going to be
amazing. If you accept him, he’s
going to release you from this,
he’s going to take your soul out of
this body and give you a new body,
one made of pure light.

CHARLIE sighs, looking away from him. He glances out the
window.

CHARLIE
Thomas, I’m not interested in
converting. I appreciate you
helping me out yesterday, but you
can go, this doesn’t--

THOMAS
Did you used to go to New Life or
something?

Pause. CHARLIE looks at him.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Sorry it’s just--. Your friend,
Liz, she told me that New Life has--
caused you a lot of pain?

Pause.

CHARLIE
No, I--. I never went to New Life.
But I...
47.


Pause. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS. His eyes glaze over, he
begins to grow upset. He struggles to hold back tears.

THOMAS
Are you okay?

CHARLIE
I’m fine, I just--.

Pause. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS, smiling a little.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You remind me of someone.

THOMAS looks at him. He is about to say something when the
front door opens.

LIZ comes in pulling a folded up wheelchair behind her.
THOMAS jumps up off the couch.

LIZ
Alright, I got you this. I did
some asking around and--

LIZ sees THOMAS. THOMAS tenses up, unsure of what to do.

LIZ (CONT’D)
What the hell, Charlie?

THOMAS
I was just--

CHARLIE
It’s fine--

LIZ
(to THOMAS)
Get out.

CHARLIE
Liz.

LIZ
(to THOMAS)
Go home.

THOMAS grabs his backpack, moves toward the door. He knocks
over a floor lamp in his haste.

THOMAS
Crap, sorry--

LIZ
Leave it.
48.


THOMAS bends down, grabs the lamp.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I said leave it!

CHARLIE
Liz, would you stop?

LIZ glares at CHARLIE. THOMAS awkwardly puts the lamp right
side up, then goes to the door. He opens it, about to exit.

LIZ goes to THOMAS, blocking him. She shuts the front door,
glaring at him.

LIZ
Actually, stay. We’ll have a chat.

LIZ brings the wheelchair to CHARLIE. THOMAS stands near the
front door, not knowing what to do.

CHARLIE
What is it?

LIZ unfolds the wheelchair.

LIZ
What the fuck does it look like?
It’s a fat guy wheelchair.

CHARLIE
Why do I need this?

LIZ
I was talking with one of the E.R.
doctors, he said that moderate
activity would be a good idea.
Sense of independence might help
you out.

CHARLIE
How much did you pay for this
thing?

LIZ
Nothing. We ordered it for a
patient a few months ago, it’s just
been sitting around.

CHARLIE
What happened to the patient?

LIZ doesn’t respond. She moves the coffee table away from
the couch to clear some space, then moves the wheelchair next
to CHARLIE. She grabs his walker, brings it to him.
49.


LIZ
Try it out.

CHARLIE reluctantly braces himself on his walker, slowly
manages to stand up. LIZ locks the wheels on the wheelchair,
bracing the back of it by putting all her weight onto it.

CHARLIE stands up, then slowly backs toward the wheelchair.

LIZ (CONT’D)
(a la a truck backing up)
Beep. Beep. Beep.

CHARLIE looks back at her. LIZ smiles.

THOMAS stays in the corner, watching CHARLIE. He sees stains
on the back of CHARLIE’s pants, looks away.

CHARLIE keeps moving backward, reaching the wheelchair. He
collapses down into it, breathing heavily, sweat running down
his face, squinting through the pain.

LIZ unlocks the wheels of the wheelchair, moves some trash
and other items out of his way, clearing a path to the
hallway.

CHARLIE wheels himself forward a little bit, using both his
arms and his legs to help himself move. CHARLIE smiles a
bit, unexpectedly pleased.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Good?

CHARLIE
Yeah, it--it’s actually really
nice.

CHARLIE wheels himself a few more feet. He smiles wider.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Thank you, Liz, this is really--

LIZ
Why don’t you see if it fits
through the bedroom door?

LIZ moves to the back of the wheelchair, starts wheeling him
down the hall. CHARLIE looks at THOMAS.

THOMAS
I should go.

LIZ
Not before we have our little chat.
50.


THOMAS stays near the door. CHARLIE looks up to LIZ.

CHARLIE
Liz, don’t--

LIZ
Just gimme a minute.

She pushes CHARLIE most of the way down the hallway. CHARLIE
finally relents, moves toward the bedroom.

LIZ looks at THOMAS.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Take a seat.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Charlie's living room, Thomas discusses biblical signs of the end times, but Charlie, familiar with the material, expresses skepticism and emotional pain. Liz enters with a wheelchair for Charlie, confronting Thomas and insisting he stay for a chat. As Liz helps Charlie transition to the wheelchair, tension rises between the characters, highlighting Charlie's struggle with faith and the protective dynamic Liz has over him.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Compelling character interactions
  • Symbolism through the wheelchair introduction
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Potential for heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with strong emotional depth and character development. The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, leading to a significant moment of realization for the characters. The introduction of the wheelchair adds a layer of symbolism and potential growth for the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring faith, existential questions, and personal growth through a conversation about religion is well-developed. The introduction of the wheelchair as a symbol of change adds depth to the scene and the character's journey.

Plot: 8

The plot progression focuses on internal conflict, emotional revelations, and potential character growth. The scene moves the story forward by deepening the protagonist's struggles and setting the stage for personal transformation.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on religious beliefs, personal struggles, and the complexities of faith. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are richly developed, with complex emotions and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of vulnerability, conflict, and growth, making them compelling and relatable to the audience.

Character Changes: 8

The scene marks a potential turning point for the protagonist, as symbolized by the introduction of the wheelchair. It hints at personal growth, self-realization, and the beginning of a new journey for the character.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal is to come to terms with his past pain and find a sense of peace or closure. This is reflected in his interactions with Thomas and Liz, where he confronts his emotions and past experiences.

External Goal: 7.5

Charlie's external goal is to navigate his physical limitations and accept help from Liz. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his health and mobility issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the protagonist's struggles with faith, personal beliefs, and emotional turmoil. The tension arises from the character's inner conflict and existential questions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, emotional barriers, and personal struggles creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily internal, revolving around the protagonist's faith, personal beliefs, and emotional well-being. The scene hints at the potential for significant personal growth and transformation, raising the stakes for the character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the protagonist's internal struggles, setting the stage for potential character growth and transformation. It introduces new elements that hint at future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and character revelations, keeping the audience intrigued. The unexpected interactions and reactions add depth to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around differing beliefs about faith, the end times, and personal agency. Charlie's skepticism contrasts with Thomas's devout beliefs, challenging each character's worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, hope, and tension. The characters' vulnerability and struggles resonate with the audience, creating a deeply emotional and engaging experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful, exploring deep themes of faith, personal beliefs, and existential questions. It drives the emotional intensity of the scene and reveals the inner thoughts and struggles of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unfolding of personal revelations. The conflicts and interactions hold the audience's attention.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, emotional resonance, and character dynamics. The rhythm contributes to the scene's effectiveness in conveying internal struggles and external challenges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting aligns with industry standards, making it easy to follow and understand. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the character dynamics, conflicts, and emotional arcs. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the emotional undercurrents from previous scenes, particularly Charlie's vulnerability and his connection to his past, as seen in Scene 11 where he suppresses tears in the bathroom. Here, Charlie's admission that Thomas reminds him of someone adds depth to his character, hinting at unresolved grief related to his late partner Alan, which ties into the overall script's themes of loss and isolation. However, this emotional moment feels somewhat abrupt and underexplored, as it shifts quickly from a religious discussion to Charlie's personal revelation without sufficient buildup, potentially leaving viewers confused about the 'someone' he's referring to, especially since it's not explicitly linked to Alan until later scenes.
  • Dialogue in the scene is generally strong and revealing, with Charlie's description of the Bible as 'devastating' providing a poignant insight into his worldview and contrasting nicely with Thomas's optimistic interpretation. This exchange highlights the theme of faith versus despair, which is central to the script. That said, Thomas's lines about biblical signs and the end times come across as somewhat clichéd and expository, lacking the nuance that could make his character more relatable or complex. His quick recovery and persistence feel scripted rather than organic, which might alienate audiences if Thomas is intended to be a sympathetic figure.
  • The introduction of Liz and the wheelchair adds a dynamic shift, injecting conflict and humor (e.g., Liz's 'beep beep beep' line), which contrasts with the somber tone of the religious discussion and provides a natural progression in Charlie's physical decline. This moment also reinforces Liz's protective role, but her abrupt entrance and immediate aggression toward Thomas disrupt the flow, making the scene feel disjointed. Additionally, Thomas's awkwardness, such as knocking over the lamp, is a good visual cue for his discomfort, but it could be better integrated to show his character development rather than just comedic relief.
  • Visually, the scene uses simple actions like Charlie flipping through pamphlets and illustrations to convey themes of apocalypse and judgment, mirroring his internal state. However, there's a missed opportunity to enhance the atmosphere with more sensory details, such as the sound of Charlie's heavy breathing or the clutter in the room, which could heighten the sense of confinement and emotional weight. The ending, with Liz insisting Thomas stay for a chat, sets up future tension effectively, but it resolves Charlie's wheelchair trial too positively, potentially undercutting the overall tone of decline and denial present in the script.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, the scene fits well into the broader narrative by advancing Charlie's physical challenges and interpersonal conflicts, but it relies heavily on dialogue to drive the action, which might make it feel static in a visual medium like film. The transition from Charlie's emotional vulnerability to the comedic wheelchair scene is jarring, and without stronger visual or auditory cues (e.g., the wave-like sounds from earlier scenes), it doesn't fully capitalize on the dream-like tone established in the script's motifs. Overall, while the scene deepens character relationships, it could better balance emotional introspection with dynamic action to maintain audience engagement.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle visual or auditory flashbacks during Charlie's emotional moment when he says Thomas reminds him of someone, such as a brief cut to a photo or a sound bridge to a memory, to clarify the reference and deepen emotional impact without overloading the scene with exposition.
  • Refine Thomas's dialogue to make it less preachy and more personal, perhaps by having him share a specific anecdote from his own life that ties into the end times discussion, which would humanize him and make the conversation feel more authentic and less stereotypical.
  • Smooth the transition when Liz enters by foreshadowing her arrival earlier in the scene, such as through off-screen sounds or Charlie glancing at the door, to reduce the abruptness and improve narrative flow.
  • Incorporate more physical actions and reactions to show Charlie's emotional state, like him fidgeting with the pamphlets or wiping sweat from his brow, to emphasize his vulnerability and make the scene more cinematic rather than dialogue-heavy.
  • Extend the wheelchair sequence to explore Charlie's mixed emotions more fully, perhaps by having him reflect on his independence or dependency in a voice-over or internal monologue, tying it back to the script's themes of denial and physical decline for greater thematic cohesion.



Scene 14 -  A Breath of Fresh Air
INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The door swings open and CHARLIE enters. The wheelchair just
barely fits through the door. He wheels inside, wheezing,
turns on the light.

He looks at the mattress on his floor where he sleeps. There
is a distinct sweat outline of his body, taking up most of
the mattress.

His eyes drift to the only window in the room. The window
looks over rolling wheat fields. Wind lightly rustles
through the wheat.

He wheels himself closer to the window, looking outside.

After a moment, he reaches up and manages to slide the window
open. As best he can, he leans forward, trying to stick his
head outside.

He breathes in deeply, closes his eyes, feeling the wind rush
by his face.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this introspective scene, Charlie enters his bedroom in a wheelchair, struggling with his physical limitations. He notices the sweat outline on his mattress, a testament to his condition. Drawn to the window, he manages to open it and leans out, allowing the wind to rush over him, providing a moment of solace and connection to the outside world. The scene captures his weariness and longing for freedom, ending with him breathing deeply and closing his eyes in the refreshing breeze.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Visual storytelling
  • Symbolism
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Charlie's inner turmoil and desire for escape through the use of visuals and minimal dialogue, creating a strong emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing Charlie's physical confinement with the symbol of the open window and the wind represents his internal conflict and longing for freedom.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves to deepen Charlie's character development and emotional journey.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of confinement and freedom, exploring the emotional nuances of a character's struggle with physical limitations. The authenticity of Charlie's actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the portrayal of his internal and external goals.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene focuses on Charlie's emotional depth and vulnerability, showcasing his internal struggles and desires effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie experiences a subtle shift in perspective, reflecting on his situation and expressing a moment of emotional release.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to find a moment of freedom and connection to the outside world despite his physical limitations. This reflects his deeper desire for escape from his confined existence and a yearning for a sense of normalcy and peace.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal in this scene is to experience a brief moment of physical freedom by leaning out of the window and feeling the wind on his face. This goal reflects his immediate desire for a sense of liberation and connection to the world outside his room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Charlie's struggle with his physical limitations and desire for escape.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with Charlie's physical limitations and confinement serving as the primary obstacles to his goals. The audience is left uncertain about whether he will be able to achieve his moment of freedom, adding a sense of tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional in this scene, focusing on Charlie's personal struggles and desires.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie's character and emotional journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by focusing on quiet moments of introspection and emotional depth rather than dramatic action. The audience is kept engaged by the subtle shifts in Charlie's emotions and the unexpected beauty found in his simple actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between Charlie's physical confinement and his emotional yearning for freedom. This challenges his beliefs about his own limitations and the possibility of finding moments of joy and connection despite his circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its portrayal of Charlie's vulnerability and yearning for freedom.

Dialogue: 6

The minimal dialogue enhances the introspective nature of the scene, allowing the visuals and actions to carry the emotional weight.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its intimate portrayal of the protagonist's emotional journey. The quiet moments and introspective tone draw the audience into Charlie's world, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of quiet reflection to resonate with the audience. The rhythm of the scene mirrors Charlie's emotional journey, building tension and release as he experiences a brief moment of freedom.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the setting and character actions. The descriptions are clear and evocative, enhancing the reader's immersion in the scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of the protagonist, moving from a sense of confinement to a fleeting moment of freedom and connection. The pacing and rhythm enhance the scene's impact and emotional resonance.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures a moment of quiet introspection for Charlie, highlighting his physical limitations and emotional vulnerability through visual storytelling. The sweat outline on the mattress is a powerful, subtle detail that reinforces his deteriorating health and isolation, allowing the audience to empathize with his condition without explicit dialogue, which aligns well with the film's themes of bodily decay and quiet despair seen throughout the script.
  • However, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the preceding action in Scene 13, where Liz is interacting with Thomas and wheeling Charlie away. The immediate shift to Charlie alone in the bedroom might disrupt the narrative flow, as it jumps from a tense, multi-character confrontation to a solitary, reflective moment without a clear transitional beat, potentially leaving viewers disoriented or feeling that the scene lacks sufficient context to build emotional momentum.
  • While the visual of Charlie opening the window and feeling the wind is evocative and ties into the recurring motif of the Palouse landscape resembling ocean waves (as established in earlier scenes), it could be more deeply integrated to enhance thematic resonance. For instance, the wind's 'rush' could be described in a way that more explicitly echoes the wave sounds, strengthening the symbolic connection to Charlie's inner turmoil and the story's overarching metaphors, but as it stands, this element feels underutilized and could benefit from more sensory depth to fully engage the audience.
  • The scene's brevity (estimated screen time of 20 seconds based on description) makes it a brief interlude that provides respite but might not advance the plot or character development significantly. In a screenplay with 29 scenes, this moment risks feeling like filler if it doesn't contribute more substantially to Charlie's arc—such as deepening his denial of his condition or foreshadowing future events—making it a missed opportunity for greater emotional payoff in a story already rich with introspective sequences.
  • Overall, the reliance on visual description without dialogue or action is a strength in showcasing Charlie's solitude, but it could be more impactful if it included subtle hints of internal conflict or progression, such as a fleeting memory or a physical struggle that ties back to his relationships. This would help balance the film's tone, preventing it from becoming too repetitive in its depiction of Charlie's isolated suffering and ensuring each scene builds toward the emotional climax in Scene 29.
Suggestions
  • Extend the scene slightly by adding a brief internal monologue or flashback triggered by the sweat outline or the wind, to deepen Charlie's character and connect it more explicitly to his past, such as memories of his late partner Alan or his estrangement from Ellie, enhancing emotional depth without overwhelming the brevity.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the action lines, such as describing the sound of the wind more vividly or the feel of the breeze on Charlie's skin, to heighten immersion and reinforce the ocean motif, making the scene more cinematic and tied to the script's thematic elements.
  • Improve narrative flow by adding a transitional line or action at the beginning that references the hallway interaction from Scene 13, such as Charlie glancing back toward the living room or hearing muffled voices, to create a smoother bridge and maintain continuity in the story's pacing.
  • Introduce a small plot element or character beat, like Charlie noticing something in the room (e.g., the box of Alan's belongings from later scenes) that foreshadows future developments, to make the scene more integral to the overall arc and avoid it feeling like an isolated moment.
  • Consider adjusting the visual composition to emphasize Charlie's vulnerability, such as using close-ups on his face during the breathing sequence or wider shots showing the contrast between his confined space and the expansive wheat fields outside, to amplify the emotional impact and guide the audience's focus more effectively.



Scene 15 -  Confrontation in the Living Room
INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LIZ sits on a chair smoking a cigarette. THOMAS sits
awkwardly on the couch. LIZ stares at him.

LIZ
Where you from?

THOMAS
What?
51.


LIZ
You said you’ve only been here for
a little while. Your whole family
move out here?

Pause. THOMAS tenses up a bit.

THOMAS
No, I--. It’s just me.

LIZ
Really?

THOMAS
I’m doing some missionary work
before I go to school.

LIZ
So you came to Idaho? Why not go
to Africa or something?

THOMAS
Idaho needs the word just as much
as anyone else.

LIZ moves to a window, cracking it. She smokes out of it as
she talks.

LIZ
Okay listen. You’re just some kid,
you don’t know anything, so I’m
gonna be very direct. I want you
to stay away from Charlie, you
understand? He doesn’t need this
shit right now.

Pause.

THOMAS
I disagree.

LIZ looks at him. She puts out her cigarette, moves toward
THOMAS, standing over him.

LIZ
Excuse me?

THOMAS
Sorry, I just--. He’s refusing to
go to the hospital, he’s dying.
What he needs is spiritual
guidance.
52.


LIZ
And you’re gonna give him that?

THOMAS
No. God will.

LIZ
I see.

LIZ sits down next to THOMAS on the couch. THOMAS tenses up
but doesn’t move away from her.

LIZ (CONT’D)
My big brother did some missionary
work. Went to Switzerland.

THOMAS
Oh.

LIZ
Yeah. I was the black sheep, I
refused to go to church ever since
I was twelve. But not my brother,
he loved New Life.
(pause)
He wrote me a letter a few months
into his mission, told me he was
cold all the time. That he was
cold, and lonely, but he didn’t
want to come home and get married.

THOMAS
He didn’t want to--?

LIZ
Dad had set it all up, pushed him
into getting married to this girl
from New Life he barely knew. When
he came back, he refused to go
through with the wedding, fell in
love with somebody else. And dad--
kicked him out of the church.

LIZ leans into THOMAS, growing angry. THOMAS grows more and
more nervous.

THOMAS
Look, I’m not trying to--

LIZ
But that church and my dad had
fucked him up so bad that he
couldn’t get over it.
(MORE)
53.

LIZ (CONT'D)
He started caving in on himself,
stopped eating, stopped bathing,
just--wasted away. Few months
later, he was gone.
(pause)
That was Alan. My brother, Alan.
My sweet, sensitive brother who was
crushed under the church that you
think can save Charlie.

LIZ stares at him. Finally, THOMAS stands up, gathering his
things. LIZ stands up, bearing down on him.

LIZ (CONT’D)
So you listen to me. He doesn’t
need “saving”. What he needs is
for you to fucking leave him alone.
I am the only one who can help him,
you understand me? I am the only
one who can save him!

CHARLIE
Liz.

LIZ turns around. CHARLIE is behind her, sitting in the
wheelchair, staring at her.

THOMAS quickly opens the door and leaves.

A silence between CHARLIE and LIZ.

Finally, LIZ moves to the couch, searching for the remote.

LIZ
Everything go alright in there?

No response. LIZ finds the remote, sits on the couch. She
turns on the television, flips through a few channels.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’ve got a while before I need to
get back. We can watch some Maury.

LIZ finds the right channel, puts the remote down. She
watches the television for a few moments. CHARLIE remains
motionless.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Wheel yourself over here, c’mon.

CHARLIE doesn’t move.
54.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Liz confronts Thomas about his missionary work, insisting he stay away from Charlie, whom she believes is vulnerable. As Liz shares a painful story about her brother's negative experience with the church, the emotional stakes rise. Thomas defends his intentions, arguing that Charlie needs spiritual help. The confrontation escalates until Charlie unexpectedly appears, prompting Thomas to leave abruptly. The scene concludes with Liz and Charlie in silence, as she attempts to ease the tension by turning on the television, but he remains unresponsive.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Revealing dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for heavy dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful due to the raw emotions, intense conflict, and deep exploration of character histories and motivations. The dialogue is sharp and revealing, creating a tense atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of spiritual intervention and conflicting beliefs is effectively portrayed through the characters' interactions. The scene delves into complex themes of faith, personal history, and the impact of past experiences on present actions.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the clash between Liz and Thomas regarding Charlie's well-being and the role of spirituality in his life. It advances the narrative by revealing key character dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the clash between personal support and religious intervention in times of crisis. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional intensity of the scene. Liz's anger and protective nature, Thomas's faith-driven beliefs, and Charlie's vulnerability and silence create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional shifts during the scene, revealing deeper layers of their personalities and motivations. Liz's protective instincts, Thomas's faith-driven beliefs, and Charlie's vulnerability are all highlighted and developed.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect Charlie and provide him with the support he needs, stemming from her past experiences and personal beliefs.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Thomas to stay away from Charlie and not interfere with his situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal histories, beliefs, and emotions. The clash between Liz and Thomas, as well as their differing approaches to helping Charlie, creates a high-stakes confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and emotional stakes that create uncertainty and tension for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with issues of life, death, faith, and personal history. The conflict between Liz and Thomas over Charlie's well-being raises the tension and emotional stakes significantly.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, revealing key conflicts, and setting up future developments. It advances the narrative by exploring the impact of past traumas on present actions and beliefs.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and revelations, keeping the audience on edge about the characters' decisions and outcomes.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's belief in personal support and spiritual guidance versus Thomas's belief in the church's ability to save Charlie.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the raw and intense emotions displayed by the characters. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, feeling the weight of their past traumas and present challenges.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and revealing, capturing the conflicting beliefs and motivations of the characters. It drives the tension and conflict in the scene, showcasing the characters' inner struggles and histories.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, conflicting beliefs, and personal revelations that draw the audience into the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for impactful character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, allowing for clear visualization and understanding of character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, effectively building tension and emotional depth through character interactions and revelations.


Critique
  • This scene effectively heightens the emotional tension through Liz's confrontation with Thomas, revealing her deep-seated trauma from her brother Alan's story, which ties into the overarching themes of the script such as the destructive impact of religion and personal loss. It provides insight into Liz's protective nature towards Charlie, making her character more relatable and multifaceted, as her anger stems from genuine concern and past pain. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository, with Liz's recounting of Alan's story coming across as a direct info-dump that tells rather than shows the audience her emotions, which could reduce the scene's immediacy and engagement. Additionally, Thomas's responses are passive and lack depth, making him seem one-dimensional as a nervous church representative without exploring his internal conflict more, which is hinted at in later scenes but underdeveloped here. The pacing accelerates quickly from a casual question to intense confrontation, which might feel abrupt to viewers, potentially undermining the buildup of suspense. Charlie's entrance interrupts the climax of Liz's outburst, which resolves the conflict too suddenly and robs the scene of a more nuanced resolution, leaving Thomas's departure feeling unresolved and Charlie's silent presence underutilized. Overall, while the scene advances character relationships and plot, it could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing and visual storytelling to enhance emotional authenticity and align with the script's introspective tone.
  • The use of visual elements, such as Liz smoking and moving to the window, adds a layer of realism and helps convey her agitation without dialogue, which is a strength in screenwriting as it shows character emotions through action. However, the scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey backstory, which might not be as cinematic and could alienate viewers who prefer more dynamic visuals. The power dynamic between Liz and Thomas is well-illustrated through physical staging—Liz standing over Thomas and bearing down on him—but this could be amplified with more descriptive actions to heighten the intimidation factor. In the context of the entire script, this scene reinforces Charlie's isolation and the theme of denial, as he witnesses the conflict but remains passive, yet it doesn't fully capitalize on his wheelchair entrance to show his physical and emotional state, missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's empathy. The ending, with Liz attempting to normalize the situation by turning on the TV, effectively contrasts the heated exchange with a moment of forced calm, highlighting her coping mechanisms, but it feels abrupt and could explore Charlie's reaction more to maintain emotional continuity from the previous scenes where he is shown struggling internally.
  • From a structural perspective, this scene serves as a pivotal moment in building antagonism towards the church and strengthening Liz's role as Charlie's primary caregiver, which is consistent with earlier scenes. However, the transition from Thomas's disagreement to Liz's aggressive response lacks gradual escalation, making the conflict feel contrived rather than organic. The dialogue, while passionate, includes phrases like 'he doesn’t need this shit right now' that might come across as overly casual or anachronistic, potentially clashing with the script's more poetic or introspective elements seen in Charlie's monologues. Additionally, the scene's length and focus on Liz and Thomas marginalize Charlie, who is central to the story, and his silent observation at the end doesn't advance his arc as effectively as it could, especially given the immediate preceding scene where he seeks solace in nature. This could be an opportunity to better integrate Charlie's perspective, making the scene more cohesive with the script's exploration of vulnerability and human connection.
Suggestions
  • To make the dialogue less expository, rewrite Liz's story about Alan to be more fragmented and integrated into the action, perhaps through flashbacks or subtle visual cues, allowing the audience to infer details rather than having them stated outright, which would increase emotional impact and engagement.
  • Develop Thomas's character by adding more nuanced reactions or backstory elements in his responses, such as hinting at his own doubts about faith earlier in the conversation, to make the confrontation feel more balanced and foreshadow his revelations in later scenes, enhancing overall character consistency.
  • Slow down the pacing of the conflict by adding beats of silence or minor actions between lines, such as Liz taking a drag from her cigarette or Thomas fidgeting, to build tension more gradually and make the escalation feel more natural and less rushed.
  • Utilize Charlie's entrance more effectively by having him react verbally or through subtle expressions to Liz's outburst, perhaps tying it back to his own experiences with religion or loss, to deepen his character arc and ensure the scene contributes more directly to his emotional journey.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, like close-ups on Liz's face during her angry monologue or on Thomas's nervous body language, to convey emotions without relying solely on dialogue, aligning with the script's use of symbolic imagery (e.g., the wind and waves) and making the scene more cinematic and immersive.



Scene 16 -  A Night of Isolation and Reflection
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE is on his wheelchair in the kitchen, making several
sandwiches. The television is on in the background playing a
late-night show.

CHARLIE finishes the last sandwich, puts them on his lap,
then starts to wheel himself back toward the couch and
television, wheezing heavily.

He has a pain in his chest and winces. Most of the
sandwiches fall off his lap and onto the floor.

He stares at the sandwiches for a moment.

In a moment of rage, CHARLIE grabs a nearby book and throws
it across the room. It hits a lamp in the corner of the
room, shattering it.

A dog from a nearby apartment is heard barking.

CHARLIE stares at the broken lamp, immediately ashamed. He
takes a few deep breaths, calming down.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE is on his wheelchair, not far from where he was hours
ago. He is scanning through channels on the television
absent-mindedly.

A knock at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Gambino’s.

CHARLIE turns off the television.

CHARLIE
Hi, yeah. You can--

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Money in the mailbox, leave it at
the front door?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Yeah, uh. Thank you.

CHARLIE pauses, waiting for the DELIVERY BOY to take the
money and leave the pizza. He doesn’t hear anything.
Another moment passes.
55.


DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
I’m Danny.

CHARLIE
What?

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
I just--. My name, it’s Danny.
(pause)
I’ve been coming here for a while
now. Just thought you’d wanna know
my name.

Pause.

CHARLIE
Charlie.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Hey Charlie.

We hear the sound of the mailbox opening and shutting,
CHARLIE sees the shadow of the pizza box underneath the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Have a good night, okay?

We hear the sound of the DELIVERY BOY going down the stairs.
CHARLIE looks at the door.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

CHARLIE is on his wheelchair, in front of the television. A
pizza box sits on the couch with one piece uneaten and a few
crusts here and there. CHARLIE is finishing the next-to-last
slice when he notices ELLIE’s notebook sitting near the
couch. Grabbing his reaching claw, he takes Ellie’s
notebook.

He takes the remote, turns off the television. He opens the
notebook to the first page.

Written in the notebook are three separate lines: “This
apartment smells. This notebook is retarded. I hate
everyone.”

CHARLIE looks at it for a moment, then smiles broadly.

CHARLIE
(reading softly, to
himself)
“This apartment smells.
(MORE)
56.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
This notebook is retarded. I hate
everyone.”

CHARLIE smiles wider. He begins to laugh a little. The
laughter grows and soon it causes a sudden pain in his chest,
the most severe he’s had so far. He grabs his chest,
speaking softly to himself.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I felt saddest of all when I read
the boring chapters that were only
descriptions of whales because I
knew that the author was just
trying to save us from his own sad
story, just for a little while.
This apartment smells.

The pain in his chest starts to slowly subside. He takes a
few deep breaths, starts to smile again.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
This apartment smells. This
notebook is retarded. I hate
everyone. The author was just
trying to save us from his own sad
story. I hate everyone. The
author was just trying to--


EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

More shots of rolling hills in the Palouse, wind rushing over
them. The images of the hills, as well as the sound of the
wind, now distinctly resemble ocean waves. This time, the
waves are more aggressive, more distinct.


TITLE: THURSDAY


INT. - LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

CHARLIE in his wheelchair, with his laptop on his lap,
speaking into a microphone.

CHARLIE
I read a recent post on the
discussion forum about strategies
for coming up with a good thesis.

CHARLIE pulls up the discussion forum in a window on his
computer.
57.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It says that I want you to--
(reads)
“Pick a sentence from the book and
say it’s good or some shit.”

Pause. CHARLIE sighs, closes the window on the computer.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You don’t have any true reaction to
these books, because I’ve taught
you to edit your reactions, to
reconfigure them so many times that
you don’t--...

CHARLIE stops, at a loss. He moves the microphone away from
his mouth, is about to shut the computer.

He has a thought, then stops. He thinks for a moment, then
picks the microphone back up.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
How about this? Don’t write about
the book. Forget the assignment,
forget the readings. Hell, forget
everything I’ve taught you about
what makes a good essay and just--
write me something honest. Okay?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Charlie, confined to a wheelchair, struggles with chest pain and emotional turmoil while making sandwiches and watching television. After a moment of rage triggered by spilled food, he calms down and later interacts with a delivery boy named Danny, who brings him pizza, highlighting Charlie's isolation and brief connection with the outside world. As he eats, he discovers Ellie's cynical notebook, which evokes laughter but also intensifies his chest pain. The scene transitions to external shots of the Palouse landscape, symbolizing Charlie's inner conflict. The next day, he records a lecture on writing, initially critical but ultimately encouraging honesty in his students, reflecting a shift towards introspection and hope.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Authentic portrayal of struggle
Weaknesses
  • Limited external plot progression
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and provides insight into Charlie's inner turmoil and coping mechanisms. The mix of sadness, humor, and resignation creates a compelling and nuanced portrayal of his character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Charlie's emotional state through his actions and reactions in a late-night setting is compelling and well-realized. The scene effectively delves into his inner turmoil and coping mechanisms.

Plot: 8

While the scene focuses more on character introspection than plot progression, it serves to deepen the audience's understanding of Charlie's struggles and emotional journey. The shattered lamp symbolizes his outburst and subsequent regret, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on loneliness, pain, and human connection through its intimate portrayal of Charlie's struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene provides a deep insight into Charlie's character, showcasing his vulnerability, frustration, and moments of self-awareness. His emotional complexity and inner conflict are effectively portrayed, making him a compelling and relatable character.

Character Changes: 7

Charlie experiences a range of emotions in the scene, from rage and shame to reflection and resignation. His emotional journey and moments of self-awareness showcase a subtle but significant change in his demeanor.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and connection amidst his physical and emotional pain. His outburst and subsequent reflection reveal his inner turmoil and desire for understanding and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal is to receive the pizza delivery and have a moment of human connection with the delivery boy. This reflects his need for interaction and a sense of normalcy in his challenging circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The scene features internal conflict within Charlie as he grapples with physical pain, frustration, and moments of emotional release. The conflict is more subtle and introspective, adding depth to the character.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle yet impactful, reflecting Charlie's internal conflicts and the challenges he faces in finding solace and connection amidst his pain.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on Charlie's personal struggles with physical pain, frustration, and self-reflection. While not high in traditional dramatic terms, the emotional stakes for Charlie are significant.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of Charlie's character, providing crucial insights into his emotional state and coping mechanisms.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional shifts and character reactions, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome of Charlie's internal struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Charlie's internal struggle with his own emotions and the external world. His outburst and subsequent reflection highlight the clash between his pain and desire for connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of empathy, sadness, and introspection. Charlie's struggles and moments of vulnerability resonate deeply, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 7

The minimal dialogue in the scene effectively conveys Charlie's emotions and inner turmoil through his actions and reactions. The brief lines spoken by Charlie add to the authenticity of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable themes of loneliness and connection, and the subtle yet impactful character interactions that draw the audience into Charlie's world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and intensity to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of the setting, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays Charlie's physical and emotional deterioration, using his chest pain and rage outburst to heighten the tension and underscore his isolation. This moment of vulnerability, especially when he breaks the lamp, provides a raw glimpse into his inner turmoil, making it relatable and poignant for the audience. However, the rapid shifts in time and activity— from making sandwiches to the delivery interaction, then to reading the notebook and finally teaching online— can feel disjointed, potentially diluting the emotional impact by not allowing each beat to breathe fully. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd note that while the scene builds on the script's themes of denial and human connection, the lack of smooth transitions might confuse viewers about the passage of time, reducing the overall coherence.
  • The interaction with the delivery boy adds a layer of awkward human connection, highlighting Charlie's social isolation in a subtle way. This exchange humanizes both characters and provides a brief moment of levity, but it comes across as somewhat contrived and underdeveloped. The dialogue feels stilted, with the delivery boy's insistence on sharing his name appearing forced, which might not serve a strong narrative purpose beyond emphasizing Charlie's loneliness. In the context of the entire script, this could be an opportunity to deepen character insights, but as it stands, it risks feeling like filler rather than a meaningful interaction that advances Charlie's arc or the plot.
  • The moment when Charlie reads Ellie's notebook and laughs, only to be hit with severe chest pain, is a strong emotional peak that ties into the script's themes of honesty and suffering. By mixing his recitation with quotes from Moby Dick, it cleverly echoes earlier scenes and reinforces Charlie's intellectual side, creating a poignant contrast between his humor and pain. However, this sequence could benefit from more clarity in the dialogue; the blending of Ellie's cynical lines with Charlie's reflections might confuse some viewers, as it's not immediately clear what he's quoting or why. Additionally, this could be an area to explore Charlie's character more deeply, perhaps by showing how these words resonate with his own life, to make the scene more impactful and less reliant on exposition.
  • The transition to the exterior Palouse landscape and the 'Thursday' title card is visually striking and maintains the script's motif of waves and fields symbolizing emotional states. This intercut effectively signals a time shift and provides a brief respite, but it feels somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated to enhance the thematic flow. In terms of pacing, the scene's length and multiple components might overwhelm the audience, especially since Charlie's teaching segment at the end revisits his professional life, which has been covered in prior scenes. This repetition could dilute the novelty and make the scene feel less essential, suggesting a need for tighter focus on Charlie's personal struggles rather than branching into his work life again so soon.
  • Overall, the scene excels in visual storytelling, with elements like the broken lamp, the reaching claw, and the notebook serving as powerful symbols of Charlie's decline and isolation. However, the emotional arc lacks a clear resolution or progression; Charlie's rage subsides, his pain eases, and he moves on to teaching without a strong connective thread, which might leave viewers feeling that the scene is more a collection of moments than a cohesive unit. As an educator, I'd advise that while the scene builds sympathy for Charlie, it could use more subtle character beats to avoid melodrama, ensuring that his actions feel organic and tied to his ongoing journey in the script.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing and transitions, consider adding subtle visual or auditory cues, such as a clock ticking or fading to black between time jumps, to make the shifts in time clearer and less jarring, helping the audience follow the narrative flow more easily.
  • Enhance the delivery boy interaction by giving it more depth; for example, have Danny share a small personal detail that mirrors Charlie's struggles, or use it to foreshadow future events, making the scene more integral to the story rather than a standalone awkward moment.
  • Refine the dialogue during Charlie's chest pain sequence by clarifying the quotes and their sources, perhaps through voice-over or on-screen text, to avoid confusion and strengthen the thematic connections to Moby Dick and the script's motifs of escape and honesty.
  • Condense or integrate the teaching segment with earlier scenes to avoid repetition; for instance, link it directly to Charlie's personal reflections on honesty, making it a catalyst for his emotional state rather than a separate beat, to maintain momentum and focus on character development.
  • Add more sensory details to immerse the audience, such as describing the sound of Charlie's wheezing more vividly or showing close-ups of his hands trembling during rage or pain, to heighten emotional engagement and make the scene more cinematic and less reliant on action descriptions.



Scene 17 -  Confrontation and Connection
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

ELLIE stands near the doorway, holding her backpack.

ELLIE
You have it?

CHARLIE
It’s almost done. You can wait
while I finish it?

ELLIE looks at the door, annoyed. Finally she relents, comes
inside and sits on the recliner. She pulls out her phone.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
While you’re here, maybe you could
write a little more in your
notebook?

CHARLIE pulls out ELLIE’s notebook, extends it to her.
58.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You’ve only written a couple
sentences so far, can you write
more?

ELLIE turns to him, looks him straight in the eye.

ELLIE
I kind of hate you.

CHARLIE
Yeah, but you hate everyone.

CHARLIE smiles broadly at her, ELLIE rolls her eyes and looks
away.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Look just keep going, forget the
poem, just write whatever you want,
whatever you’re thinking--

ELLIE
Shut up, just--.

ELLIE fumes, then grabs the notebook out of CHARLIE’s hand.
She finds a pen, plops down into a chair and opens it up.
She stares at the blank page. Finally, she starts to write a
little.

CHARLIE looks at her lovingly. Pause. After a moment he
wheels himself a little closer to her, speaking tentatively.

CHARLIE
You know, I... I was in a strange
place in my life when I married
your mom--

ELLIE
Did I fucking ask?

CHARLIE
Sorry, I just--
(pause)
Look, I understand that you’re
angry.

ELLIE slams the notebook onto the floor, buries her face in
her hands.

ELLIE
Oh my God.
59.


CHARLIE
But you don’t need to be angry at
the whole world, just be angry at
me--

ELLIE
You know what?! You can’t throw me
away like a piece of garbage and
then suddenly want to be my dad
thirteen years later just because
you’re dying.

CHARLIE
I’ve always wanted to be your dad--

ELLIE
But you know what? I’m glad,
because you taught me something
very important: people are
assholes. Most people learn that
way too late, you taught me that
when I was four. Thank you for
that.

ELLIE takes the notebook off the ground, starts writing
again. Silence.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
You know you could’ve...

CHARLIE
What?

Pause.

ELLIE
You could’ve been sending us money.
If you have all that money and
wanted to be a part of my life so
bad, you could have been sending
money to my mom.

CHARLIE
I did.

ELLIE
I mean more than just child
support.

Pause. ELLIE continues to write in the notebook. CHARLIE
moves toward her in the wheelchair. He reaches out, puts a
hand on the notebook. ELLIE stops writing.
60.


CHARLIE
I did.
(pause)
I’ve wanted to see you for so long,
Ellie. I wanted to be a part of
your life, I wanted to reach out.

Pause. ELLIE stares down, not looking at him.

ELLIE
So why didn’t you?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Look at me, Ellie, I don’t--. Who
would want me to be a part of their
life?

Pause. ELLIE finally looks at him.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
When I lost him, I started to think
I ruined everything I touched. I
know that’s a terrible excuse.

CHARLIE turns away, growing upset. ELLIE watches him.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
(softly)
I’m just sorry, Ellie. I’m so, so
sorry.

CHARLIE looks up at her, ELLIE stares back at him. It’s the
closest they’ve been to one another yet. After a moment,
ELLIE looks back down, CHARLIE takes his hand back.

ELLIE writes a few more words, then closes the notebook.

ELLIE
I’m hungry.

Pause.

CHARLIE
There’s stuff for sandwiches in the
kitchen.

ELLIE gets up, goes to the kitchen. She is about to open the
fridge when she stops, turns around, and goes back to
CHARLIE.
61.


ELLIE
I’ll make you one, but it’s gonna
be small. And I’m only using
turkey or chicken, and no
mayonnaise.

CHARLIE
(smiling)
Thank you.

ELLIE turns around, goes back to the kitchen. She opens up
the fridge, takes out cold cuts, mustard, bread.

She opens a jar of mustard, finds a breadknife. CHARLIE
looks at her, smiling.

ELLIE looks at him, stops.

ELLIE
What?

CHARLIE
No, it’s just--.
(pause)
You’re an amazing person, Ellie.

Silence. CHARLIE smiles broadly at her, ELLIE stares back at
him.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’ll work on the essay now. Have
it done soon.

CHARLIE pulls up his computer, opens a blank document, starts
typing. ELLIE looks down at the breadknife in her hand.

As CHARLIE types, ELLIE silently digs the knife into the
kitchen counter, gouging the surface of the counter.

After a moment, we hear the sound of flapping wings. ELLIE
looks at the window, sees the bird from before eating bread
crumbs off the plate. She stares at it.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Ellie confronts her estranged father, Charlie, about his absence in her life. As they navigate their strained relationship, Ellie expresses her anger and resentment, accusing Charlie of only reaching out because he is dying. Charlie shares his regrets and fears, seeking to connect with her despite her hostility. The tension escalates, but a moment of vulnerability emerges when Ellie offers to make Charlie a sandwich, reflecting a flicker of care amidst their conflict. The scene concludes with Ellie observing a bird outside, symbolizing her inner turmoil and the complexities of their relationship.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is emotionally charged and impactful, effectively portraying the tension and raw emotions between Charlie and Ellie. The dialogue is intense and reveals layers of complexity in their relationship, drawing the audience in with its authenticity and depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reconciliation and regret is effectively explored through the interaction between Charlie and Ellie. The scene delves into complex emotions and relationships, offering insight into the characters' past and present struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the emotional confrontation between Charlie and Ellie, driving the narrative forward through their intense interaction. It adds depth to their characters and advances the themes of family, regret, and reconciliation.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and unresolved conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality to the familiar theme of parent-child relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Charlie and Ellie are well-developed and portrayed with depth and authenticity. Their emotional journey and conflicting feelings are effectively conveyed, adding layers to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Both Charlie and Ellie undergo emotional changes during the scene, with revelations, confrontations, and moments of vulnerability shaping their interactions. The scene marks a significant point in their relationship and personal growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Ellie's internal goal is to express her deep-seated anger and resentment towards Charlie, her father figure, while also grappling with her own emotions and past experiences. This reflects her need for validation, closure, and a sense of identity.

External Goal: 7

Ellie's external goal is to navigate her strained relationship with Charlie and confront the unresolved issues between them, particularly regarding his absence and attempts at reconciliation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of addressing their complex family dynamics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Charlie and Ellie is intense and emotionally charged, driving the scene forward and adding depth to their relationship. The confrontation reveals deep-seated emotions and unresolved issues, heightening the tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ellie and Charlie facing off against each other in a battle of emotions and conflicting perspectives. The audience is kept on edge as they navigate the characters' complex relationship dynamics.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Charlie and Ellie confront their past and present conflicts, grappling with issues of abandonment, regret, and the desire for connection. The emotional intensity raises the stakes for their relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Charlie and Ellie, revealing key aspects of their past and present struggles. It adds complexity to the narrative and sets the stage for further character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between Ellie and Charlie, the unexpected revelations, and the unresolved tension that keeps the audience guessing about the characters' next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, redemption, and the impact of past actions on present relationships. Ellie's belief that people are inherently flawed clashes with Charlie's desire for forgiveness and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of anger, regret, and sadness. The raw and authentic portrayal of the characters' emotions resonates with the audience, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and emotional struggles. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Charlie and Ellie, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, authentic character interactions, and the gradual unraveling of the characters' complex emotions and histories.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing for moments of reflection and confrontation to resonate with the audience. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear character cues and dialogue sequences that contribute to the scene's flow and impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and character interactions are structured in a way that enhances the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional tension between Charlie and Ellie, highlighting themes of regret, abandonment, and tentative reconciliation that are central to the screenplay. However, the dialogue feels somewhat repetitive in places, such as Ellie's interruptions and Charlie's persistent apologies, which can dilute the impact of key moments and make the scene drag slightly. This repetition underscores Ellie's anger but risks alienating the audience if not balanced with progression in the conversation.
  • Character development is strong, with Charlie's vulnerability and self-loathing coming through clearly, but there's a risk of over-reliance on expository dialogue to convey his backstory. For instance, when Charlie explains why he didn't reach out, it feels a bit tell-heavy, reducing the opportunity for the audience to infer his emotions through actions or subtext. Ellie is portrayed as defiant and wounded, which is consistent with her arc, but her sudden shift to offering to make a sandwich lacks a smoother transition, making it feel abrupt and less believable without clearer internal motivation.
  • The visual elements, such as Ellie gouging the counter with the bread knife and the bird at the window, are powerful symbols of her suppressed rage and the recurring motif of nature providing momentary distraction. However, these could be better integrated to avoid feeling like afterthoughts; for example, the knife action might be foreshadowed or connected more directly to her emotional state to heighten tension. Additionally, the scene's heavy focus on dialogue leaves little room for cinematic visuals, which could make it less engaging on screen despite the strong interpersonal conflict.
  • Pacing is generally good for building emotional intensity, but the scene could benefit from more varied rhythm. Moments like the pause after Ellie says 'I'm hungry' create natural beats, but the overall structure might feel static since much of the action is confined to sitting and talking. This could be improved by incorporating more physicality, especially given Charlie's use of the wheelchair, to reflect his physical struggles and add layers to the emotional exchange.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the film's exploration of honesty in writing and personal relationships, as Charlie encourages Ellie to write freely and shares his regrets. However, this parallel could be drawn more explicitly or subtly to avoid preachiness, ensuring that the audience connects the dots without feeling led by the hand. Overall, while the scene is poignant and advances the father-daughter relationship, it might not fully capitalize on the high stakes of Charlie's impending death to create a more urgent or transformative moment.
Suggestions
  • Condense repetitive dialogue exchanges, such as Ellie's refusals and Charlie's apologies, to maintain tension and improve flow, perhaps by combining lines or using nonverbal cues to convey frustration.
  • Add more action and visual details to show emotions rather than tell them; for example, describe Charlie's hands shaking as he types or Ellie's facial expressions during pauses to make the scene more dynamic and cinematic.
  • Smooth the transition to Ellie's sandwich offer by adding a small beat where she reflects on Charlie's words, such as a close-up of her face softening slightly, to make her action feel more organic and less sudden.
  • Enhance the symbolic elements by linking the bird at the window more directly to the characters' emotions, perhaps having Ellie comment on it or drawing a parallel in Charlie's dialogue to deepen thematic resonance without overexplaining.
  • Consider shortening the scene or intercutting with brief flashbacks to Charlie's past (e.g., his marriage) to add variety and provide context, ensuring it fits better within the overall pacing of the screenplay.



Scene 18 -  Manipulation and Panic
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

CHARLIE is asleep in the wheelchair, with a mostly eaten
sandwich in his lap. ELLIE sits on the couch, a plate with a
half-eaten sandwich sits on the coffee table in front of her.

ELLIE stares at CHARLIE, who is snoring lightly.
62.


ELLIE lifts her hands to her mouth. She’s holding a small
marijuana pipe and a lighter. She takes a hit, blowing it in
CHARLIE’s direction.

A knock at the door. ELLIE freezes, not knowing what to do.

Another knock. Finally, ELLIE stands up.

ELLIE
Yeah?!

THOMAS
(calling out)
I, uh... Hello?

ELLIE pauses, recognizing the voice. She moves to the door
and swings it open. THOMAS stands in the doorway.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Oh, hi.

THOMAS sees the pipe in ELLIE’s hand.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Are you--?

ELLIE
Come in.

THOMAS cautiously makes his way inside, ELLIE shuts the door
behind him. THOMAS sees CHARLIE.

THOMAS
Is he--?

THOMAS goes to CHARLIE, looking at him.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Is he okay?

ELLIE
I don’t know. I ground up some
Ambien and put it in his sandwich.

THOMAS
Wait, what?

ELLIE
I only gave him a couple, he’s
fine. I can take three at a time.

ELLIE moves to the couch, sits down.
63.


THOMAS
You have--? Where did you get
Ambien?

ELLIE
I had sex with a pharmacist.

THOMAS looks at her.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Just kidding, gross. My mom pops
them like tic-tacs.

THOMAS
I don’t know if he should be
taking...

ELLIE takes a hit from the pipe. THOMAS watches her.

ELLIE
(exhaling)
Does this make you nervous?

THOMAS looks away.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
It’s just pot. It’s not like I’m
smoking crack or anything.

THOMAS
I know what--. I know what pot is.

ELLIE
You only think you know what pot is
because your parents told you a
bunch of lies about it.

THOMAS
I’m not an idiot, I’ve smoked pot
before.

ELLIE
Really?

THOMAS is about to respond, then stops himself. He moves
toward the door.

THOMAS
Okay, look just tell him I was here
and I’ll--

ELLIE
If you leave I’ll feed him the rest
of the pills I have in the bottle.
64.


THOMAS stops, turns to ELLIE.

THOMAS
What?

ELLIE takes her backpack, reaches inside, pulls out a bottle
of prescription pills. She examines the bottle.

ELLIE
There’s like twenty or thirty more,
I’ll crush them up and put them in
some water and pour it down his
throat.

THOMAS goes to ELLIE.

THOMAS
Why would you say that?

ELLIE
Sit down.

THOMAS
You wouldn’t actually do that,
would you?

ELLIE
Sit down.

THOMAS looks at her for a moment, then sits down on the couch
next to her, maintaining his distance.

ELLIE looks at him, THOMAS looks away.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Why do you keep coming back here?

THOMAS
He needs help, he needs God in his
life right now.

ELLIE
That’s a stupid reason. Do you
think he wants to have sex with
you? That’s so gross, oh my God,
take a hit.

ELLIE extends the pipe to THOMAS.

THOMAS
He doesn’t--! I don’t want to--!
65.


ELLIE
If you don’t take a hit I’m gonna
call the police and tell them you
tried to rape me. Take a hit.

THOMAS stares at her, incredulous.

THOMAS
I don’t understand you at all.

ELLIE
Oh my God.

They stare at each other for a moment. Finally, THOMAS
relents and takes the pipe.

THOMAS
Is there a carb on this?

ELLIE
Oo, I’m so impressed.

THOMAS
I wasn’t trying to--

ELLIE
There isn’t a carb.

THOMAS pauses, then tentatively lights the pipe and takes a
hit. Before he’s done inhaling, ELLIE takes out her iPhone
and takes a picture of him.

THOMAS coughs violently, almost drops the pipe.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Calm down.

THOMAS
What are you gonna do with that
picture?!

ELLIE
I’m gonna masturbate to it. Is
that what you want me to say?
You’re a pervert, take another hit.

THOMAS stares at her. Pause. ELLIE sighs, buries her face
in her hands.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Look, I’m just fucking with you,
alright? I’m not gonna kill
anyone, I’m not gonna tell anyone
you raped me.
66.


Pause.

THOMAS
You’re not going to give him more
Ambien?

ELLIE rolls her eyes, shakes her head.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Why do you keep coming back here?

ELLIE
I don’t know.

THOMAS
Seriously, if you hate him so much--

ELLIE
I’m done answering questions now.

Pause. THOMAS looks at the pipe in his hand for a moment.

THOMAS
Can I...?

THOMAS indicates the pipe. ELLIE gives him a smile, nods.

THOMAS considers for a moment, then takes another hit--a
larger one than before. He exhales.

ELLIE takes another photo of him with her iPhone.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
I really wish you wouldn’t do that--

ELLIE
Do you find me attractive?

Pause. THOMAS looks at her, caught off-guard.

THOMAS
I--

ELLIE
Because I’m not attracted to you at
all, just to let you know.

Pause. ELLIE looks at THOMAS, who is a little hurt. She
rolls her eyes, gets up, goes into the kitchen, looking for
food.
67.


ELLIE (CONT’D)
Oh my God grow up, maybe someone
else finds you attractive, just not
me. Maybe my dad finds you
attractive.

THOMAS
I really wish you wouldn’t--

ELLIE
It’s so easy to make you
uncomfortable. You can cash that
out.

Pause.

THOMAS
You don’t mind?

ELLIE shakes her head. THOMAS takes another large hit. He’s
pretty high by this point. ELLIE finds a bag of potato
chips, comes back into the main room. She eats the chips as
she talks.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
If my parents knew that I was
getting high, that I was getting
high while I was out witnessing for
the church--

ELLIE
You’re not from that church.

Pause.

THOMAS
What?

Pause. ELLIE continues to eat potato chips, moves back to
the couch and sits next to THOMAS.

ELLIE
There’s a kid a grade below me who
goes to New Life. He said they
stopped doing door-to-door stuff
last year when a lady was out
preaching or whatever and some guy
invited her into his apartment and
showed her his penis.
(pause)
I called the church, and they said
they’ve never heard of you.
68.


Pause. THOMAS stares at ELLIE for a second, then starts to
stand up.

THOMAS
I need to--

ELLIE
What are you doing here, really?

THOMAS gathers his things, shaky on his feet. He goes to the
door.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Wait--

THOMAS heads to the door, ELLIE jumps up from the couch,
getting between THOMAS and the door.

THOMAS
Please--

ELLIE
Just tell me!

THOMAS turns around, dazed and panicked. He looks around the
room, looks at the window, then heads down the hall. ELLIE
follows him.

THOMAS, panicked and unsure of what to do, goes into
CHARLIE’s bedroom and shuts the door on ELLIE.

ELLIE tries the door, THOMAS has locked it.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
C’mon, just tell me!

THOMAS (O.S.)
Why do you care?!

ELLIE
Because I think we have a
blossoming friendship.

Pause.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a tense living room scene, Ellie sits with a sedated Charlie and pressures Thomas into smoking marijuana while revealing her manipulative tactics. She admits to drugging Charlie and threatens Thomas with false accusations if he tries to leave. As Ellie confronts Thomas about his true intentions, he panics and locks himself in Charlie's bedroom, leaving Ellie demanding answers outside the door.
Strengths
  • Intense character interactions
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Drug use portrayal may be controversial
  • Confrontational tone may be unsettling for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is intense and gripping, effectively portraying the dark and confrontational interactions between Ellie and Thomas. The tension and emotional depth are well-executed, drawing the audience into the complex dynamics at play.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unraveling hidden truths and exploring power dynamics through intense interactions is compelling. The scene effectively delves into the darker aspects of the characters' motivations and behaviors.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around the revelation of hidden motives and the escalating conflict between Ellie and Thomas. It adds depth to the characters and advances the narrative effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces original elements such as the unconventional use of drugs, the characters' manipulative behavior, and the subversion of traditional power dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and raw, adding depth to the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ellie and Thomas are well-developed, showcasing complex personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of emotion and tension, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ellie and Thomas undergo subtle changes in their interactions, revealing hidden facets of their personalities and motivations. The scene adds layers to their characters and sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal is to maintain control and power in her interactions with Thomas, showcasing her defiance and manipulation as coping mechanisms for her own vulnerabilities and insecurities.

External Goal: 7

Ellie's external goal is to assert dominance and independence in her relationship with Thomas, using provocative behavior to challenge his beliefs and authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multifaceted, stemming from the power play between Ellie and Thomas, as well as the revelation of hidden motives and emotional turmoil. It creates a gripping and confrontational atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power struggles between Ellie and Thomas creating a sense of uncertainty and tension. The audience is left wondering how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the manipulation, drug use, and emotional turmoil depicted. The characters' actions have significant consequences, adding tension and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by unraveling hidden truths, deepening character dynamics, and escalating the conflict between Ellie and Thomas. It sets the stage for further narrative development and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' erratic behavior, unexpected twists in dialogue, and the constant shift in power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between Ellie's nihilistic and rebellious worldview and Thomas's moral and religious beliefs. This clash challenges their perceptions of right and wrong, truth and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the intense and unsettling interactions between Ellie and Thomas. The emotional depth and tension are palpable throughout.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and laden with tension, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil and power play between Ellie and Thomas. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense and unpredictable interactions, the dark humor, and the moral ambiguity of the characters' actions. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and character development amidst the rapid-fire dialogue and actions. The rhythm enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, effectively conveying the setting, character actions, and dialogue in a clear and concise manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the tension and unpredictability of the interactions between the characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building suspense and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Ellie's manipulative and aggressive behavior, showcasing her deep-seated resentment and control issues, which aligns with her character development throughout the script. This interaction highlights themes of vulnerability and power dynamics, making it a pivotal moment that deepens the audience's understanding of Ellie's emotional turmoil and Thomas's fragility.
  • Ellie's threats and crude humor, such as joking about having sex with a pharmacist or accusing Thomas of rape, serve to escalate conflict but risk portraying her as overly antagonistic and one-dimensional. This could alienate viewers if not balanced with more nuanced emotional layers, as it might come across as shock value rather than authentic character expression, potentially undermining the scene's emotional depth and the overall tragic tone of the screenplay.
  • The reveal that Thomas isn't actually from the New Life Church is a strong plot twist that adds intrigue and raises stakes, but it feels somewhat abrupt without prior foreshadowing. This sudden disclosure could benefit from subtler hints in earlier scenes to make it more believable and integrated, helping the audience connect the dots rather than feeling manipulated by the surprise.
  • The dialogue is sharp and revealing, effectively conveying character motivations and conflicts, but it occasionally borders on being too expository or stereotypical, such as when Ellie forces Thomas to smoke marijuana or makes blunt accusations. This might reduce the scene's realism, as real-life conversations often include more subtext and pauses, which could be used to heighten tension and allow for better character introspection.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on dialogue and action in a confined space, which intensifies the claustrophobic atmosphere, but it lacks additional sensory details or environmental interactions that could enhance immersion. For instance, more focus on Charlie's sleeping form or the room's disarray could underscore the themes of decay and isolation, providing a richer cinematic experience and better contrasting the verbal confrontations.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtle foreshadowing in earlier scenes about Thomas's questionable church affiliation, such as minor inconsistencies in his behavior or dialogue, to make the reveal feel more organic and less contrived, improving the scene's pacing and audience engagement.
  • Add moments of vulnerability for Ellie, such as a brief pause or internal reflection during her taunts, to humanize her character and make her actions more relatable, balancing her aggression with hints of her own pain to deepen emotional resonance.
  • Refine the humor in Ellie's lines to ensure it complements rather than detracts from the serious themes; for example, tone down exaggerated jokes and replace them with sardonic wit that reveals her coping mechanisms, maintaining the scene's intensity while avoiding caricature.
  • Introduce more visual and non-verbal elements, like close-ups on facial expressions, the marijuana pipe, or Thomas's nervous movements, to break up the dialogue and create a more dynamic rhythm, allowing the audience to absorb the tension and enhancing the scene's cinematic quality.
  • Ensure the scene's conflict advances the overall narrative by tying Ellie's manipulation more explicitly to her relationship with Charlie or her personal growth arc, perhaps by hinting at how this behavior stems from her abandonment issues, to make it a stronger pivot point in the story.



Scene 19 -  Behind the Locked Door
INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

THOMAS stands a few feet away from the door, looking at it.
He pauses.

THOMAS
You’re just messing with me.
69.


ELLIE (O.S.)
No I’m not.

Pause. THOMAS exhales, considers opening the door. He
stops, then sits down on the ground, leaning up against the
door.

He looks at CHARLIE’s mattress, then out the window at the
fields of wheat, lightly rustling in the wind.

THOMAS
You won’t tell anyone?

ELLIE (O.S.)
Who am I gonna tell?

Pause.

THOMAS
I’m from Oregon, from Pendleton.
My family goes to this church
there, Living Bible Fellowship,
it’s a sister church to New Life.
Like three months ago, I... I left.

ELLIE (O.S.)
Why?

THOMAS
I just...
(pause)
My whole family, all my friends,
they’re like so--sure that Christ
is coming again soon. But
sometimes, I’m like--really? God’s
going to come back in a few years
and kill us all? Sometimes it just
seems so... I don’t know.

ELLIE (O.S.)
“Stupid”. You’re looking for the
word “stupid.”

THOMAS stands up, moving across the room. He looks out the
window at the wheat fields.

THOMAS
Yeah. Maybe.
70.


INT. - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE listens at the door. She tries the knob one more time,
it still won’t work. She thinks for a moment, then pulls out
her iPhone.

ELLIE
So why did you leave?

THOMAS (O.S.)
Because I think I was about to be
excommunicated.

ELLIE scrolls through her iPhone, opening up a voice memo
app.

ELLIE
I don’t know what that means.

THOMAS (O.S.)
Like kicked out. Of the church.

ELLIE presses record, places her iPhone at the base of the
door, pointing the microphone inside the bedroom.

THOMAS (O.S.) (CONT’D)
I got caught--smoking pot. My best
friend and I got caught smoking
pot.

ELLIE
You’re getting kicked out of the
church for that?

THOMAS (O.S.)
For smoking pot, and--doing other
stuff.

ELLIE thinks for a moment, realizing. She smiles, nearly
laughs out loud, stifles it.

ELLIE
So you and your boyfriend--

THOMAS (O.S.)
He isn’t my--

ELLIE
That’s why you left?
71.


INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

THOMAS stands at the window, staring outside. He starts to
wander around the room aimlessly.

THOMAS
He told his parents I had pressured
him into it. That I got him high
and pressured him into it. It
wasn’t even my pot, it--...

ELLIE laughs a little.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Are you laughing at me?

ELLIE (O.S.)
Well, yeah.

Pause.

THOMAS
I’m really fucked up.

ELLIE (O.S.)
Yes, you are.

THOMAS
I think my parents were about to
kick me out of the house. My dad
can barely even look at me now.

THOMAS looks down, sees the box that CHARLIE had before. The
lid is slightly ajar, THOMAS opens the box slightly further
with his toe.

ELLIE (O.S.)
So why’d you come here?

THOMAS sits down on the floor, looking in the box. He takes
out a framed photo, looks at it. The photo is of CHARLIE’s
partner, younger than the picture of him and CHARLIE on the
coast. The photo appears to be from a church confirmation
ceremony.

THOMAS
I’ve always heard about New Life,
the way they built up their
congregation by door-to-door
proselytizing, it just sounded so
inspiring, it... I just thought if
I could see God working in people’s
lives, then maybe it’d--help me?
72.


ELLIE (O.S.)
Turn you straight?

THOMAS puts the photo back in the box, takes out another
photo. It’s about ten years old, a photo of CHARLIE with his
arms around his partner. THOMAS looks at it for a moment.

THOMAS
Save my soul.

ELLIE (O.S.)
Same thing?

Pause. THOMAS puts the photo back in the box, picking up the
essay on The Sound and the Fury that CHARLIE placed in there
before. He looks at the name at the top of the paper: “Alan
Grant”.

He thinks for a moment, then picks up the Bible. He looks at
it, opens it to the first page. There is a large stamp
reading “New Life Church”, and the name “Alan Grant” written
on the top right hand corner of the page.

THOMAS stares at it, realizing. He flips through the Bible,
which has obviously been meticulously studied--nearly every
page has highlights, notes, or underlines.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this introspective scene, Thomas sits against a locked bedroom door, sharing his troubled past with Ellie, who listens from the hallway. He reveals his departure from the Living Bible Fellowship church after being caught in compromising situations, including drug use and possible homosexual behavior. As he reflects on his fears of excommunication and family rejection, Ellie teases him while secretly recording their conversation. The scene captures Thomas's vulnerability and confusion, juxtaposed with Ellie's sarcastic humor, as he examines personal items belonging to Charlie, including an annotated Bible, leading to deeper contemplation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional exchanges
  • Revealing character interactions
  • Deep personal revelations
  • Tension-building dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution in the scene
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful due to the intense emotional exchanges, deep revelations, and confrontations between the characters. It effectively builds tension and reveals crucial information about Thomas and Ellie, adding layers to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revealing personal struggles, conflicts, and hidden motives through intense interactions is effectively portrayed in the scene, adding depth to the characters and advancing the narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is significantly advanced through the revelations and conflicts in the scene. It deepens the character relationships, introduces new conflicts, and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on themes of faith, sexuality, and personal struggle within a religious community. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable, adding authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters are compelling and complex, with Thomas and Ellie showcasing depth through their interactions. Their emotional struggles and conflicting motives drive the scene's intensity and reveal key aspects of their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

Both Thomas and Ellie undergo significant emotional and psychological changes during the scene. Thomas reveals his inner turmoil and struggles with faith, while Ellie's manipulative and confrontational behavior reflects her complex motivations and emotional depth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reconcile his doubts about his faith and his sexuality. This reflects his deeper needs for acceptance, understanding, and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to find solace and understanding in a new religious community after leaving his previous one. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of seeking belonging and purpose in a different environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving emotional, personal, and ideological clashes between the characters. It heightens the tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, particularly in the protagonist's internal struggles and the revelations about his past. The uncertainty of his future adds complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as personal secrets, emotional conflicts, and hidden motives come to light. The characters' decisions and revelations have significant consequences for their relationships and the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and revealing crucial information about the characters' pasts and motivations. It sets the stage for further developments and plot twists.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the protagonist's past, his internal conflicts, and the evolving dynamics between the characters. It keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's questioning of his faith and the traditional beliefs of his community. This challenges his values, beliefs, and worldview, especially regarding issues of acceptance and personal identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of tension, empathy, and revelation. The characters' emotional struggles and confrontations resonate deeply with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and motivations. It drives the scene's tension and reveals crucial information about the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its deep emotional resonance, compelling character dynamics, and thought-provoking dialogue. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's internal struggles and philosophical reflections.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through well-timed pauses, character introspection, and dialogue exchanges. It enhances the scene's impact and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It ensures clarity and readability for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. It maintains a good balance between dialogue and action, enhancing the flow of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds emotional depth by revealing Thomas's vulnerable backstory, which adds complexity to his character and ties into the film's themes of religion, sexuality, and redemption. However, the heavy reliance on expository dialogue risks feeling like an info-dump, potentially overwhelming the audience with backstory that could be more gradually revealed through earlier hints or visual cues, making Thomas's confession feel more earned and less abrupt.
  • Ellie's manipulative behavior, such as recording Thomas with her iPhone, heightens the tension and showcases her antagonistic personality, which is consistent with her character arc. That said, her actions might come across as overly contrived or cartoonishly villainous without sufficient buildup or motivation, as the sudden decision to record feels opportunistic and could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing to maintain believability and emotional authenticity.
  • The visual elements, like Thomas wandering the room and discovering Charlie's personal items (e.g., the photos and annotated Bible), provide a nice break from the dialogue-heavy exchange and add layers of symbolism, connecting to the broader narrative about loss and identity. However, the scene's static nature—much of it occurring through a door with Ellie off-screen—limits cinematic engagement, potentially making it feel stage-like and less dynamic, which could diminish the overall tension in a visual medium like film.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the film's exploration of isolation and spiritual crisis, with Thomas's internal conflict mirroring Charlie's struggles, creating a sense of parallelism. Yet, the resolution feels incomplete, as Thomas's realization about the Bible and Alan's connection is poignant but underexplored, leaving it somewhat abrupt and disconnected from Charlie's immediate storyline, which might confuse viewers if not tied more explicitly to the emotional stakes established in prior scenes.
  • Pacing is generally strong, with pauses and movements building suspense, but the length of Thomas's monologues could slow the momentum, especially in a high-tension sequence. This might alienate viewers if the dialogue doesn't advance the plot sufficiently, as the scene focuses more on character revelation than action, potentially making it feel introspective at the expense of forward narrative drive in a screenplay that already features many similar conversational scenes.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate visual flashbacks or subtle cutaways during Thomas's dialogue to illustrate key moments from his backstory (e.g., a brief shot of him being confronted by his family), reducing exposition and making the revelations more engaging and cinematic without altering the core dialogue.
  • Add more physical actions or reactions for Ellie while she's off-screen, such as fidgeting with her phone or showing micro-expressions of amusement/sadness through the door crack, to better convey her internal state and make her manipulation feel more nuanced and less one-dimensional.
  • Enhance the discovery of Charlie's box by slowing down the camera work or adding close-ups on specific items (like the Bible annotations), and intercut with Ellie's reactions to build emotional resonance; this could also include sound design elements, like rustling wind from the window, to tie into the film's recurring ocean wave motif and heighten atmosphere.
  • Refine the dialogue to interweave Thomas's confessions with questions or interruptions from Ellie that prompt revelation, ensuring it feels more conversational and less monologue-like; additionally, hint at the consequences of Ellie's recording earlier in the scene or script to make it a more integral plot device rather than a sudden twist.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening some of Thomas's reflective pauses or combining his movements around the room with key revelations, ensuring the scene advances the story while maintaining tension; consider ending on a stronger visual or emotional beat, such as Thomas staring at the Bible in silence, to create a smoother transition to the next scene and emphasize thematic closure.



Scene 20 -  Confrontation in the Hallway
INT. - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE stands at the door, looking down at her iPhone, which
is still recording.

ELLIE
So that’s why you wanna save my
dad.

The bedroom door unlocks, ELLIE quickly grabs her iPhone,
shuts off the recording. She puts it in her pocket.

The door slowly opens, THOMAS stands looking at her.
Silence.

ELLIE takes her iPhone out and takes a picture of THOMAS.
She smiles at him.

Suddenly, the front door opens and LIZ enters, followed by
MARY, a woman of about 40 but who looks considerably older.

ELLIE sees MARY, goes to her.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
(to MARY)
Mom--
73.


MARY
Shut up.

LIZ looks at THOMAS and ELLIE.

LIZ
What the fuck is going on here?

LIZ turns and sees CHARLIE, still asleep in his wheelchair.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie.

LIZ goes to CHARLIE. MARY turns and finally gets a look at
CHARLIE. She freezes for a moment, shocked.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie?

LIZ shakes CHARLIE a bit, trying to wake him up. She checks
his breathing.

MARY goes to CHARLIE as he wheezes loudly in his sleep. She
looks at him closely.

MARY
Charlie...

MARY gets closer, examining his body in disbelief. She looks
him up and down as ELLIE moves into the living room.

MARY looks away, upset. LIZ continues to shake CHARLIE.

LIZ
Charlie.

Pause. MARY and LIZ both look at ELLIE. ELLIE stares back
at them, defiant.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Ellie records a moment of realization about Thomas's intentions before he appears, leading to a brief connection between them. The atmosphere shifts dramatically when Liz and Mary enter, with Liz confused and concerned about Charlie, who is asleep in his wheelchair. Mary's shock at seeing Charlie escalates the emotional tension, while Ellie defiantly confronts both women. The scene culminates in a standoff, leaving unresolved conflicts and heightened emotions.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Powerful character interactions
  • Revealing hidden truths
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is highly impactful due to the intense emotions, revelations, and conflicts that unfold. It sets the stage for significant character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of revealing hidden truths and exploring complex family dynamics is effectively portrayed in the scene. The use of confrontation as a catalyst for character growth is compelling.

Plot: 8.7

The plot is advanced significantly through the revelations and conflicts that arise in the scene. It deepens the complexity of the characters and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on family drama by incorporating elements of mystery and unexpected revelations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally charged. Each character's motivations and vulnerabilities are explored, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Significant character changes occur as hidden truths are revealed and relationships are tested. The dynamics between the characters shift, leading to personal growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about her family and her father's situation. This reflects her deeper need for understanding, connection, and possibly a sense of identity.

External Goal: 7

Ellie's external goal is to navigate the unexpected situation unfolding in her home and manage the interactions between her family members.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, emotional, and moral dilemmas. The tensions between the characters create a gripping narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and intrigue for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as family secrets are exposed, relationships are strained, and characters are forced to confront uncomfortable truths. The outcome of the confrontations has significant implications for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character arcs, and setting the stage for future developments. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Mary and the tension that arises from the family members' reactions to Charlie's condition.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family loyalty, truth, and the complexity of relationships. It challenges Ellie's beliefs about her family and the importance of honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of shock, defiance, and tension. The revelations and confrontations resonate deeply with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the confrontations and revelations forward. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, the gradual reveal of family secrets, and the dynamic interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about the characters' motivations and secrets.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize the unfolding events.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension and reveals key information about the characters and their relationships.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses surprise with the sudden entrance of Liz and Mary to heighten tension and advance the plot, creating a pivotal moment that brings together key characters and escalates emotional stakes. This abrupt shift mirrors the chaotic nature of the characters' lives, particularly Ellie's defiant behavior and Mary's shocked reaction, which adds depth to their relationships and ties into the overarching themes of denial, family estrangement, and confrontation. However, the transition feels somewhat rushed and coincidental, potentially undermining the realism; in screenwriting, such entrances should feel organic to maintain audience immersion, and here it might benefit from foreshadowing or a subtle buildup to avoid jarring the viewer.
  • Dialogue is sparse and functional, which can be a strength in visual storytelling by allowing actions and expressions to convey emotion, but it risks lacking depth in character revelation. For instance, Ellie's line 'So that’s why you wanna save my dad' directly references the previous scene's confession, providing good continuity, but it could be more nuanced to show her internal processing or sarcasm, helping the audience better understand her manipulative tendencies. Similarly, Mary's curt 'Shut up' and Liz's repeated 'Charlie' emphasize their concern and frustration, but these lines might come across as too blunt without additional subtext or variation in delivery, potentially missing an opportunity to explore their complex histories with Charlie more fully.
  • Character actions and visuals are well-described, such as Mary examining Charlie's body in disbelief and Ellie's defiant stare, which effectively communicate shock, vulnerability, and resistance. This visual focus is cinematic and aligns with the script's style of showing rather than telling, but it could be enhanced with more sensory details—like the sound of Charlie's wheezing or the cluttered room's atmosphere—to immerse the viewer further and underscore the themes of decay and isolation. Thomas's silence after opening the door is a strong choice for building tension, but his lack of reaction in this scene feels inconsistent with his earlier vulnerability, possibly diminishing his character arc and making him seem peripheral when he should be more integrated into the ensemble dynamics.
  • The scene's emotional core—centered on Mary's discovery of Charlie's deteriorated state and the family tensions it exposes—is powerful and contributes to the script's exploration of regret and reconciliation. However, the pacing is uneven; the quick shift from Ellie and Thomas's private moment to the group confrontation might not allow enough time for the audience to absorb the implications, especially given that this is a key turning point in the story. As scene 20 out of 29, it should build momentum towards the climax, but the rapid introduction of new elements could overwhelm viewers if not balanced with moments of pause or clearer emotional beats.
  • Overall, the scene succeeds in creating a tense standoff that highlights the characters' interpersonal conflicts, particularly Ellie's defiance as a defense mechanism and Mary's horror at Charlie's condition. However, it could better serve the narrative by ensuring that each character's motivation is crystal clear— for example, why Ellie smiles at Thomas right before the interruption—and by avoiding reliance on exposition through action alone. This would make the scene more accessible to readers and viewers, strengthening its impact within the larger story arc of 'The Whale'.
Suggestions
  • Add a subtle auditory or visual cue, such as the sound of footsteps or a door handle turning, before Liz and Mary enter to build anticipation and make the surprise less abrupt, improving the flow and realism of the scene.
  • Expand the dialogue slightly to include more subtext or emotional layering; for instance, have Mary express a brief, internalized thought or a more detailed reaction to Charlie's appearance to deepen her character and provide insight into their shared history without overloading the scene.
  • Incorporate reaction shots or small actions for Thomas to maintain his presence and continuity from the previous scene, such as a nervous glance or a step back, to ensure he remains an active part of the ensemble and doesn't fade into the background.
  • Enhance visual descriptions with additional details, like the dim lighting in the hallway or the clutter in the living room, to heighten the atmosphere and emphasize themes of isolation and decay, making the scene more vivid and engaging for the audience.
  • Consider extending the pause after Mary's examination of Charlie or Ellie's defiant stare to allow for a beat of silence, giving the audience time to process the emotional weight and improving the pacing to better align with the story's build towards the climax.



Scene 21 -  Fractured Bonds
INT. - LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY LATER

LIZ is hooking CHARLIE up to an oxygen tank, threading a
plastic tube over his ears and under his nose. CHARLIE is
noticeably weaker than before, and is wheezing more heavily.

ELLIE sits on a chair, THOMAS cowers in a corner. MARY sits
on the couch watching CHARLIE, smoking a cigarette.

CHARLIE looks at MARY. He smiles a little, MARY stares back
at him.
74.


CHARLIE
(to MARY)
Ellie told you that she was coming
over here?

MARY looks away from him, smokes.

LIZ
No, I did. And just in time, looks
like. You having more pain?

CHARLIE nods.

LIZ (CONT’D)
How easy is it to move?

CHARLIE
Not very.

LIZ
Any confusion? Have you felt
disoriented, forgotten where you
are or what you’re doing?

CHARLIE shakes his head. LIZ finishes hooking him up to the
oxygen tank, looks at him.

CHARLIE
Am I--okay?

LIZ
No, you’re not okay. But as far as
the sleeping pills, you’re fine. I
think she only gave you a couple.

ELLIE
Yeah, that’s what I told you.

LIZ goes to ELLIE, standing over her.

LIZ
You know I was a very angry, very
stupid little girl once too, but if
you would have given him more pills
than that, you could have--

ELLIE
Yeah except I didn’t give him more
than that, I gave him two pills.

MARY
Ellie, how much money did he offer
you?
75.


CHARLIE looks at MARY, pleading.

MARY (CONT’D)
All of it?

ELLIE
How do you know about--?

MARY
(to ELLIE)
You think I’m an idiot? You think
I would believe that you were
coming over here out of the
kindness of your heart?

Pause. MARY stares at her. ELLIE stares back, defiant.

ELLIE
(to MARY)
I’m not giving you any of my money.

LIZ
Charlie doesn’t have any money.

MARY looks at LIZ. LIZ goes back to CHARLIE, attaching the
oxygen tank to the back of his wheelchair.

MARY
(to CHARLIE)
She doesn’t know?

CHARLIE
Mary--

MARY
(to LIZ)
Where do you think all the money
from his teaching has been going?
The account for Ellie, by now it
has to be huge.
(to CHARLIE)
Over a hundred thousand at least,
right?

LIZ circles the wheelchair, faces CHARLIE.

LIZ
That’s not true, is it?

CHARLIE looks away from LIZ. Silence.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Charlie, we could have gotten you
anything you needed.
(MORE)
76.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Special beds, physical therapists,
fucking health insurance.
(pause)
Last winter when my pickup broke
down and I had to walk through the
snow to get your groceries--

CHARLIE
I offered to get your truck fixed--

LIZ
Yeah and I refused because I
thought you had seven hundred
dollars in your bank account.

LIZ looks at him, deeply hurt. CHARLIE reaches out to her,
trying to take her hand, she backs away from him.

CHARLIE
It’s--for Ellie. It’s always been
for Ellie.
(pause)
If there was ever any type of
emergency, I would have given you
the money--

LIZ
Would you?

Pause. LIZ stares at him for a moment, then looks away. She
fights the instinct to cry. Finally she looks around the
room, then grabs her bag and heads to the door.

CHARLIE
Wait--

LIZ exits, slamming the door behind her. MARY stares at
CHARLIE. Silence.

ELLIE
Mom, you’re not getting any of my
money.

MARY
Oh shut up, Ellie.

MARY stands up. She looks at ELLIE and then at THOMAS, who
continues to cower in the corner.

MARY (CONT’D)
Both of you leave, right now.

ELLIE looks at MARY, then angrily grabs her bag and heads
toward the door.
77.


CHARLIE
Wait--

CHARLIE tries to wheel himself toward ELLIE, the effort
causing a sharp pain in his chest. He doubles over.

MARY
Charlie--

CHARLIE
Ellie please don’t go--

ELLIE stops, turning to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,
I know you--

ELLIE
Okay, you know what? Listen to me.

ELLIE goes to CHARLIE, leans down to him, looking him
straight in the eye.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
I don’t care about you. Try to get
that through your fat fucking
skull.

CHARLIE looks at her, pleading. He reaches out toward her.

CHARLIE
Ellie, please--

ELLIE swats his hand away.

ELLIE
Just fucking die already.

MARY
Enough.

ELLIE stares at CHARLIE for a moment longer, then goes to the
door, opening it. Just before she leaves:

CHARLIE
Ellie, your--.
(pause)
Your essay.

ELLIE stops. CHARLIE reaches over to the coffee table,
grabbing a folded up essay from underneath a pile of papers.
He extends it to ELLIE. ELLIE doesn’t look at him.
78.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s a really good essay.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Charlie's living room, tensions escalate as Liz cares for the ailing Charlie, who is in pain and weak. Ellie confronts Charlie harshly, refusing to share money with Mary, who reveals Charlie's hidden savings for Ellie, igniting Liz's anger over his secrecy. After a heated exchange, Liz storms out, leaving Charlie pleading for Ellie to stay. Despite his attempts to connect by praising her essay, Ellie coldly rejects him, highlighting the deep emotional rifts and unresolved conflicts among the characters.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • High-stakes revelations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Unresolved tensions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, showcasing intense emotions, deep-seated conflicts, and significant revelations. The tension is palpable, and the emotional depth of the characters is compelling, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of family secrets, financial betrayal, and emotional turmoil is central to the scene. The exploration of trust, resentment, and regret adds depth to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is significantly advanced through the confrontation and revelations in this scene. Key secrets are unveiled, relationships are tested, and the dynamics between the characters undergo a dramatic shift, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on family drama by exploring themes of financial betrayal, sacrifice, and emotional manipulation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters are richly portrayed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their individual struggles and conflicts.

Character Changes: 9

Significant character changes occur during the scene, with revelations leading to shifts in relationships, trust, and perceptions. The emotional confrontations prompt characters to reevaluate their beliefs and actions, setting the stage for personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek validation and understanding from his family members, particularly Ellie. He desires to be seen and cared for despite his physical condition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to address the financial issues and misunderstandings within the family, specifically related to his teaching income and the perception of his generosity towards Ellie.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving emotional, financial, and relational aspects. The high stakes and confrontational nature of the interactions heighten the tension and drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, hidden agendas, and emotional confrontations creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcomes, adding to the scene's intensity.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, involving financial betrayal, emotional turmoil, and fractured relationships. The characters face significant consequences for their actions and decisions, leading to a moment of intense drama and tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial secrets, deepening conflicts, and altering character dynamics. The revelations and confrontations have a lasting impact on the narrative trajectory, paving the way for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional outbursts, shifting alliances among the characters, and the revelation of hidden motives and secrets. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust, honesty, and familial obligations. The characters' differing values and beliefs about money, responsibility, and care for each other create a complex web of conflicting perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene delivers a powerful emotional impact, evoking feelings of anger, resentment, regret, and defiance. The raw emotions displayed by the characters resonate with the audience, creating a deeply affecting moment.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the escalating tensions within the scene. Each line adds depth to the characters and drives the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, unpredictable character interactions, and the revelation of hidden truths. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and the complex dynamics between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing the emotional conflicts to escalate gradually. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize the unfolding drama within the living room setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals character dynamics. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates emotional tension by revealing Charlie's hidden savings account, which serves as a catalyst for conflict among the characters, highlighting themes of secrecy, betrayal, and familial resentment that are central to the screenplay. This revelation adds depth to Liz's character, showing her hurt and sense of betrayal, which makes her exit feel earned and poignant, helping readers understand the long-standing dynamics of their relationship.
  • Ellie's harsh dialogue, such as 'Just fucking die already,' underscores her deep-seated anger and pain from abandonment, providing a raw and honest portrayal that aligns with her arc of resentment and manipulation seen in previous scenes. However, this intensity might risk alienating the audience if not balanced with moments of vulnerability, as her consistent hostility could make her come across as one-dimensional without sufficient contrast to her earlier fleeting tenderness in Scene 17.
  • The staging of the scene, with Thomas cowering in the corner, effectively conveys his marginalization and discomfort, but his lack of active participation feels underutilized. This could weaken the overall impact, as Thomas's presence is acknowledged but not leveraged to advance his subplot or add layers to the confrontation, potentially making him seem like a passive observer rather than an integral part of the ensemble.
  • Pacing is brisk and tension-filled, with rapid shifts between revelations (e.g., the money discussion) and emotional outbursts, which keeps the scene engaging and mirrors Charlie's deteriorating health. However, this speed might sacrifice some emotional depth, as transitions between characters' reactions, like Liz's abrupt exit and Mary's command to leave, could feel rushed, leaving little room for the audience to process the weight of these moments.
  • Dialogue is generally strong and naturalistic, with Liz's line 'Last winter when my pickup broke down...' adding personal history and authenticity, but some exchanges, such as Mary's interrogation about the money, border on expository and might benefit from more subtext to avoid feeling too direct. This could enhance the scene's subtlety and allow viewers to infer motivations rather than having them stated outright.
  • The visual elements, like Charlie's wheezing and the oxygen tank hookup, reinforce his physical decline and vulnerability, creating a poignant contrast with the verbal conflicts. However, the scene could explore more symbolic imagery—such as the bird motif from earlier scenes—to tie into broader themes of freedom, death, and nature, making the environment more active in reflecting the characters' inner states.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of internal reflection or a subtle physical action for Ellie after her outburst to humanize her, such as a hesitant glance or a pause that hints at her own pain, balancing her harshness with vulnerability and making her character more nuanced.
  • Incorporate a small line or action for Thomas to justify his presence, like him shifting uncomfortably or attempting to intervene, to better integrate his subplot and prevent him from feeling like extraneous set dressing.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext; for example, instead of Mary directly stating 'You think I’m an idiot?', rephrase it to show her frustration through implication, allowing the audience to engage more deeply with the characters' emotions.
  • Slow down key transitions, such as after Liz's exit, by adding a beat of silence or a close-up on Charlie's face to let the emotional weight sink in, enhancing the scene's dramatic impact and giving viewers time to absorb the revelations.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by linking back to recurring motifs, like having Ellie notice the bird outside the window again during her confrontation, symbolizing her internal conflict and tying the scene more cohesively to the film's themes.
  • Consider heightening the stakes in Charlie's plea to Ellie by having him reference a specific shared memory, drawing from earlier scenes, to make his desperation more personal and emotionally resonant, strengthening the connection between characters and audience.



Scene 22 -  Unspoken Strains
ELLIE pauses for a moment, then grabs the essay out of
CHARLIE’s hand without looking at him. CHARLIE watches her
go.

THOMAS creeps out of the corner, heads toward the door. He
hesitates for a moment, looks at CHARLIE. CHARLIE looks back
at him.

THOMAS is about to say something to CHARLIE when MARY glares
at him. THOMAS stops himself, exits. MARY shuts the door
behind him.

MARY turns to CHARLIE, looking at him. Silence apart from
CHARLIE’s wheezing.

MARY stands, looking at him. Very slowly, she approaches
him, looking at his body. CHARLIE looks away.

MARY circles his wheelchair, looking at him from all sides, a
mix of fascination and horror on her face.

She finally stops, looks at him. CHARLIE, ashamed, looks
away.

Finally MARY looks away, sighing, rubbing her face with her
hands.

MARY
Do you--have anything?

CHARLIE looks at her, unsure of what she means.

MARY looks at him. CHARLIE realizes.

CHARLIE
Maybe in the kitchen. Cabinet
above the sink, on the left.

MARY goes into the kitchen, opening a cabinet above the sink.
She finds an aging half-empty bottle of vodka. She takes the
bottle, then opens other cabinets, looking for a glass.

MARY
Our deal was we wait until she was
out of the house to give her the
money.

CHARLIE
What’s the difference?
79.


MARY
The difference is she’s seventeen
and in high school. She’s gonna
spend it on ponies or marijuana or
something.

MARY finds a glass, goes to the sink. It’s filled with
dishes caked with food residue. She moves the dishes around,
making room for her to be able to wash the cup out. She
turns the water on.

CHARLIE
I think she’s a little smarter than
that.

MARY
I really wish you hadn’t have done
this, this is the last thing I need
right now.

MARY turns off the water, shakes the glass dry, then fills it
almost entirely with vodka. She takes a long drink,
steadying herself, then moves back into the main room,
looking at CHARLIE.

She takes a deep breath, relaxing a little.

MARY (CONT’D)
So, how has it been? Getting to
know her.

CHARLIE
She’s... Amazing.

MARY chuckles.

MARY
You still do that.

CHARLIE
What?

MARY
That positivity. It’s so annoying.

CHARLIE
Well you’re a complete cynic, I was
just trying to balance us out.

MARY smiles a bit. She looks for a place to sit, sees the
couch, the large sag in the middle. She approaches the couch
slowly, sitting on the edge of it.
80.


MARY
Well, I guess I do miss that. That
one thing.

CHARLIE
Just that?

MARY
That and the cooking. Last month I
tried to make a stir-fry thing,
almost set the entire apartment
building on fire.

CHARLIE laughs a little, the laughter causing some pain in
his chest. MARY looks at him. CHARLIE covers the pain as
best as he can.

She opens up her purse, takes out a pack of cigarettes. She
takes one out, lights it, begins to smoke.

MARY (CONT’D)
You still cook?

CHARLIE
Not for years now, it’s... Hard
for me to get into the kitchen.

MARY looks away from CHARLIE. She gets up, going to a
window. She cracks the window, blowing the smoke outside.

MARY
I never knew you were doing this to
yourself.

CHARLIE
Well you never asked how I was
doing.

MARY looks at him, annoyed.

MARY
Well you never asked how I was
doing either. Every month it’s
just, “how much money do you
need?”, and “how’s Ellie?”

CHARLIE
You didn’t tell me she was flunking
out of school.

MARY
I guess I just didn’t need the
lecture about my involvement in her
education.
81.


CHARLIE
That’s not what I...

CHARLIE exhales. He reaches down, laboriously wheeling his
chair over to MARY at the window. He looks up at her.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
How’re you doing, Mary?

Pause. MARY continues to look out the window. She smokes.

MARY
Fine.

CHARLIE
Are you working?

Pause. MARY shakes her head.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Do you need me to send more money?

MARY turns and glares at him. CHARLIE backs down.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s good to see you.
(pause)
I know I’m not supposed to be
around her, you could call the
police if you wanted to--

MARY
Christ, you really think I’d do
that?

CHARLIE
You fought me pretty hard for full
custody.

MARY moves away from the window with her cigarette,
exasperated. CHARLIE pivots his wheelchair to face her.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I don’t blame you, after what I
did.
(pause)
But I just want to see her--I’ve
always just wanted to see her. Is
it really so bad that she has a gay
father?

MARY
No, actually it’s not.
82.


MARY grabs her glass of vodka, taking a drink.

MARY (CONT’D)
She’s... Awful. Isn’t she?

CHARLIE
What?

MARY
Ellie. She’s awful, she’s a
terror. And you think it’s my
fault.

Pause.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Ellie briefly appears to take an essay from Charlie before leaving, prompting a confrontation between Charlie and Mary. As Mary circles Charlie's wheelchair, they discuss their daughter Ellie and their strained relationship, revealing frustrations over past decisions and mutual neglect. Mary expresses concern about Ellie misusing money Charlie gave her, while they both reflect on their shared history and personal struggles. The scene culminates in a moment of vulnerability as Mary admits her feelings of failure regarding Ellie, leaving their unresolved issues hanging in the air.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character interactions
  • Revealing hidden truths
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with strong emotional depth and character interactions. It effectively conveys the underlying tensions and complexities within the relationships, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and regrets.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dynamics, regrets, and hidden truths is effectively explored in the scene. It delves into the complexities of relationships and the impact of past decisions on present interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on revealing emotional truths and conflicts between the characters. It moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of the characters' motivations and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on family dynamics, parenting struggles, and personal redemption. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and offer a unique perspective on forgiveness and reconciliation.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions, from vulnerability to resentment. Their interactions and dialogue reveal layers of complexity and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional shifts and revelations in the scene, leading to moments of vulnerability, regret, and reflection. These changes add depth to their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek redemption and connection with his family, particularly his daughter. This reflects his deep desire for forgiveness, understanding, and a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to mend his relationship with his ex-partner and daughter, as well as to address the immediate issue of giving money to his daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, stemming from past regrets, hidden truths, and differing perspectives among the characters. It adds tension and emotional depth to the interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, primarily stemming from the unresolved conflicts between the characters and their differing viewpoints on past events and future decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of emotional impact and relationship dynamics among the characters. The revelations and conflicts have significant consequences for their future interactions and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of the characters' motivations, conflicts, and relationships. It sets up future developments and adds layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and revelations, but the emotional depth and unresolved tensions keep the audience invested.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the differing perspectives on parenting, responsibility, and the impact of past actions on the present. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about family dynamics, personal growth, and the consequences of his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles, regrets, and vulnerabilities. It creates a poignant and reflective atmosphere that resonates with viewers.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, regrets, and conflicts effectively. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the tension within the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, complex character relationships, and the gradual reveal of past traumas and regrets.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and conflict to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with concise scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, with clear character motivations and interactions. The dialogue drives the narrative forward and reveals key emotional beats.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures a moment of raw emotional reconnection between Charlie and Mary, highlighting themes of regret, missed opportunities, and familial estrangement that are central to the screenplay. The dialogue reveals layers of their shared history, such as the custody battle and Charlie's persistent positivity, which adds depth to their characters and provides insight into why their relationship deteriorated. However, some exchanges feel slightly expository, like the direct references to their past agreements and lack of communication, which could come across as telling rather than showing, potentially distancing the audience if not balanced with more subtle, visual cues.
  • The visual elements, such as Mary circling Charlie's wheelchair with a mix of fascination and horror, are striking and symbolic, emphasizing Charlie's physical decline and Mary's complex emotions. This moment is well-executed in building tension and showcasing Charlie's vulnerability, but it risks feeling overly prolonged or melodramatic if the pacing isn't tight, as the slow approach and circling might test the audience's patience in a scene already heavy with dialogue. Additionally, the silence punctuated by Charlie's wheezing is a strong auditory cue that reinforces his deteriorating health, maintaining continuity with earlier scenes, but it could be more integrated with other sensory details to heighten immersion.
  • Character development is a strength here, particularly in humanizing Mary, who transitions from anger in previous scenes to a more reflective and vulnerable state. Her admission about missing Charlie's positivity and cooking adds nuance, making her less of a one-dimensional antagonist. However, Charlie's responses sometimes border on overly forgiving or idealistic, which might undermine the realism of their conflict; for instance, his quick pivot to asking about her well-being could feel forced, as it glosses over the depth of their mutual resentments established earlier in the script. This scene also touches on Ellie's character indirectly, reinforcing her as a point of contention, but it doesn't advance her arc significantly, which might make the focus feel somewhat narrow given her prominence in surrounding scenes.
  • The dialogue has authentic moments, like the banter about cooking and the sarcastic exchange on positivity, which ground the scene in relatable human interaction. Yet, some lines are predictable or clichéd, such as Mary's 'You still do that' or her blunt assessment of Ellie as 'awful,' which could benefit from more originality to avoid stereotypes. The scene's emotional arc progresses from tension to tentative warmth, aligning with the overall narrative build-up to Charlie's death, but the shift feels abrupt in places, potentially disrupting the flow and making the reconciliation less earned. Furthermore, while the scene advances the theme of isolation and the consequences of past choices, it could tie more explicitly to motifs like the ocean waves or bird symbolism to strengthen thematic cohesion with the rest of the script.
  • Pacing-wise, this scene serves as a necessary breather after the high-tension confrontations in scenes 18-21, allowing for character introspection and relationship exploration. However, at this point in the screenplay (scene 22 of 29), the story is approaching its climax, so the slower pace might risk losing momentum if not counterbalanced with rising stakes or revelations. The ending, with Mary admitting fault in Ellie's behavior, is poignant and sets up future conflicts, but it resolves too neatly in a script that otherwise embraces ambiguity and pain, which could dilute the impact of the unresolved tensions in earlier scenes.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it less expository by incorporating more subtext and actions; for example, show Mary's frustration through physical gestures or indirect references rather than direct statements about their past agreements, allowing the audience to infer history without being told.
  • Enhance visual and sensory details to deepen immersion; add descriptions of the room's clutter, the smell of stale air or cigarette smoke, or the sound of Charlie's labored breathing syncing with Mary's movements to make the scene more vivid and emotionally resonant.
  • Tighten the pacing by condensing repetitive elements, such as shortening Mary's circling of Charlie or combining some dialogue beats, to maintain tension and ensure the scene propels the story forward rather than lingering too long.
  • Strengthen character consistency by adding a specific, personal anecdote for Mary when she discusses her life or Ellie's behavior, making her vulnerabilities more relatable and tying into the broader themes of family dysfunction seen throughout the script.
  • Integrate thematic elements more seamlessly, such as referencing the ocean wave motif through Charlie's wheezing or a window view, to connect this scene to the screenplay's larger symbolism and reinforce emotional undercurrents without overt explanation.
  • Consider escalating the emotional stakes slightly, perhaps by having Charlie reveal a small, personal detail about his illness or their shared past that directly ties to Ellie's arc, ensuring the scene not only reflects but also advances the narrative toward the climax in scene 29.



Scene 23 -  Confrontation and Connection
CHARLIE
Wait, is that why you’ve been
keeping her from me all this time?
You thought I’d think you were a
bad mother?

MARY
At first. But later, when she was
fifteen, sixteen... I was worried
she would hurt you.

CHARLIE
Hurt me? That’s ridiculous--

MARY
I don’t take any pleasure in
admitting it, I’m her mother for
Christ’s sake. I spent way too
much time telling myself, she’s
just rebellious, she’s just
difficult. Charlie, she’s evil.

CHARLIE
She is not evil.

MARY looks at him for a moment, then goes to the couch. She
opens up CHARLIE’s laptop.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
What’re you doing?

MARY opens up a web browser, starts typing. With some
difficulty, CHARLIE wheels himself over to MARY.

MARY shows CHARLIE the laptop, which is open to ELLIE’s
Facebook page. Displayed prominently is the photo of CHARLIE
that ELLIE took before. CHARLIE examines the photo.

CHARLIE scrolls down a bit, finds a caption to the photo.
83.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
(reading)
“There’ll be a grease fire in hell
when he starts to burn.”

Pause. MARY shuts the laptop, putting it back on the
computer desk.

MARY
Don’t feel bad, I’ve made quite a
few appearances on that thing.

MARY gets up with her glass, finishing it in one gulp. She
goes back to the bottle in the kitchen, refills her glass.

CHARLIE is silent, staring forward.

MARY (CONT’D)
You okay?

Pause.

CHARLIE
She’s a strong writer.

MARY slams down the bottle of vodka.

MARY
That’s your response?

CHARLIE
This isn’t evil, this is honesty.
Do you know how much bullshit I’ve
read in my life?

MARY comes out of the kitchen with her drink, goes to
CHARLIE.

MARY
My God, things never change. I
don’t understand you, Charlie!

CHARLIE
Every time I would call and ask you
how she was doing, you said she was
fine, if she’s so evil then why--

MARY
What was I supposed to tell you?!
That she was off treating her
friends like dirt or slashing her
teachers’ tires? You didn’t want to
hear about that stuff!
84.


CHARLIE
I could have helped her!

MARY
She doesn’t want your help! She
doesn’t want anyone!

MARY, a little drunk by this point, starts wandering
aimlessly with her drink.

MARY (CONT’D)
You think I didn’t want her to have
a dad? She adored you. The only
reason you married me in the first
place was to have a kid, I know
that.

CHARLIE
Mary. Please.

MARY stops, looking at him. Silence.

Finally, she relents and goes into the kitchen. She pours
the remainder of her drink into the sink.

MARY
Well this brings back memories,
doesn’t it?

MARY comes back into the main room, sits back down on the
couch near CHARLIE. CHARLIE smiles at her.

MARY (CONT’D)
Listen, I... I never got to say
that I was sorry.

CHARLIE
What would you have to be sorry
about?

MARY
That’s not what I mean, I mean
about... Your friend.

CHARLIE
Oh.
(pause)
His name was Alan.

MARY
I know his fucking name, Charlie.
(pause)
I saw him once, in the K-mart
parking lot.
(MORE)
85.

MARY (CONT'D)
He was pretty sick, I could tell.
I had all these things I wanted to
say to him, hurl at him like
bricks, but I... Asked him if he
wanted some help. He let me carry
a couple of bags to his car for
him, he said thank you, and I left.
I never even told him who I was.

MARY looks at CHARLIE. CHARLIE reaches over and touches her
arm. MARY fights a wave of tears.

They look at one another. CHARLIE struggles for breath, his
wheezing particularly noticeable now that they are close.

MARY (CONT’D)
You’re wheezing.

CHARLIE
Yeah, it’s gotten worse.

MARY
Do you need help? Should I call
someone?

CHARLIE
No, I--

MARY
Let me hear.

CHARLIE looks at her. Pause. Then CHARLIE leans back in his
wheelchair, putting one arm in the air.

MARY gets up and goes to CHARLIE. She bends down, putting
her ear on his chest. She listens for a moment.

CHARLIE
How do I sound?

MARY doesn’t respond, she puts a hand on CHARLIE’s chest and
closes her eyes.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
That was the first time we’ve all
been together in thirteen years,
you realize that?

MARY buries her face in CHARLIE’s chest, struggling to
maintain herself. Pause.
86.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
When Ellie was little, when we did
that trip to the Oregon Coast
together... We laid on the beach,
Ellie played in the sand, later I
went swimming in the ocean... Last
time I ever went swimming,
actually. I kept cutting my legs
on the rocks, and the water was so
cold, and you were so mad that my
legs bled and stained the seats in
the minivan.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Charlie confronts Mary about her decision to keep their daughter Ellie away from him, leading to a heated argument over Ellie's behavior and their past. Mary expresses her belief that Ellie is 'evil,' while Charlie defends her honesty. As tensions rise, they reveal deeper issues from their marriage, culminating in an apology from Mary regarding her past actions. The scene shifts to a more tender moment as they reminisce about a family trip, highlighting their shared history and vulnerabilities, ending with Mary finding solace in Charlie's embrace.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, delving into the characters' past, revealing deep-seated emotions and complex relationships. The dialogue is poignant and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of confronting past mistakes, resentments, and family secrets is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene. It explores themes of regret, forgiveness, and the complexity of familial relationships.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene is driven by the emotional confrontations and revelations between the characters. It advances the understanding of the characters' motivations and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on family dynamics, delving into themes of honesty, betrayal, and the blurred lines between love and protection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and provide a unique take on familiar familial conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are deeply developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their interactions. The scene allows for significant character growth and reveals layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, confronting past mistakes, revealing deep-seated emotions, and seeking forgiveness. Their interactions lead to personal growth and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand and reconcile the complex relationship dynamics with his mother and sister. He seeks to uncover the truth behind their actions and motivations, reflecting his need for honesty, connection, and resolution.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront the revelations about his sister's behavior and his mother's actions. He aims to navigate the emotional turmoil and make sense of the family secrets that have been revealed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' past actions, regrets, and resentments. It drives the emotional intensity of the interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional barriers between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the family conflict, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront long-held resentments, reveal deep emotions, and seek forgiveness. The outcome of their interactions could have a significant impact on their relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters' past, motivations, and relationships. It deepens the narrative and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations about the sister's behavior and the mother's motivations. The audience is kept on edge as the characters navigate the emotional turmoil and family secrets.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of honesty, family loyalty, and the complexity of relationships. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about good and evil, trust, and the blurred lines between love and protection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, delving into deep-seated emotions, past regrets, and complex family dynamics. It evokes strong feelings of sadness, regret, and empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is poignant, revealing deep emotions, past regrets, and long-held resentments. It effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and drives the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional exchanges, deep character revelations, and the unfolding family drama. The conflicts and tensions keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and intense exchanges between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that allows for the gradual unfolding of revelations and emotional tension. The dialogue and actions are effectively woven together to create a cohesive narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively deepens the emotional core of the story by exploring the strained relationship between Charlie and Mary, revealing layers of regret, denial, and familial conflict. It builds on the themes of the overall script, such as isolation and the consequences of past decisions, by using dialogue and actions to expose Charlie's unwavering optimism and Mary's bitterness, which helps readers understand their character arcs and the tragedy of their separation.
  • However, some dialogue feels overly expository and on-the-nose, particularly in moments like Mary's direct accusation that Charlie married her just to have a kid. This can reduce the subtlety and make the exchange seem less natural, potentially alienating viewers who might find it too straightforward for a scene dealing with complex emotions. As a teacher, I'd suggest that while this revelation is crucial for character development, it could benefit from more subtext to allow the audience to infer motivations rather than having them stated outright.
  • The pacing starts strong with conflict but slows during the tender moments, which is appropriate for emotional beats, but the shift from argument to apology and reminiscence feels abrupt. This could disrupt the flow, making the scene less engaging if not handled carefully in editing. The visual elements, like Mary circling Charlie's wheelchair, are evocative and convey a sense of judgment and intimacy, but they could be amplified to better support the dialogue and heighten the cinematic quality.
  • Character consistency is generally strong, with Mary's drunken rambling and Charlie's labored breathing reinforcing their physical and emotional states, but her sudden shift to vulnerability (apologizing for her behavior toward Alan) might feel unearned without more buildup. This scene is pivotal for showing Charlie's denial of his daughter's flaws, mirroring his own self-denial about his health, but it risks becoming melodramatic if the humor and pain aren't balanced as well as in earlier scenes.
  • Overall, the scene succeeds in providing a cathartic moment that foreshadows Charlie's impending death and ties into the script's motifs of waves and the ocean, symbolizing emotional turbulence. However, it could be more impactful by integrating more sensory details from the environment, such as the cluttered apartment, to visually echo the characters' inner chaos and make the scene more immersive for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext and implication; for example, instead of Mary directly stating Charlie married her for a child, have her imply it through a sarcastic anecdote or a loaded question, allowing the audience to piece together the history.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding specific actions or details that reflect the characters' emotions, such as focusing on Charlie's wheezing or the disarray in the room during arguments to symbolize their fractured relationship, making the scene more dynamic and less dialogue-heavy.
  • Smooth the transitions between conflict and tenderness by using pauses, facial expressions, or subtle sound design (e.g., intensifying the wheezing or external wind sounds) to build tension and give the audience time to process emotional shifts, improving the pacing and emotional resonance.
  • Develop Mary's character arc further by showing her internal conflict through physicality, like hesitating before apologizing or avoiding eye contact, to make her change of heart feel more organic and relatable, thus strengthening the scene's authenticity.
  • Consider tightening repetitive elements in the dialogue, such as shortening the back-and-forth about Ellie's behavior, to maintain momentum and focus on the most poignant revelations, ensuring the scene remains engaging within the context of the film's runtime.



Scene 24 -  Confrontation of Loss
CHARLIE laughs a little, MARY laughs as well. Her laughs
quickly turn into heavy, silent sobs. She continues to bury
her face in his chest.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
And you said for days after that I
smelled like seawater. You
remember that?

CHARLIE lowers his arm, putting it on MARY’s back. They hold
one another for a moment.

MARY
You sound awful.

CHARLIE
I’m dying, Mary.

MARY remains for a moment longer before pushing herself off
of him, holding back tears.

MARY
Fuck you.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry.

MARY
Fuck you.

MARY backs away, not looking at CHARLIE. Pause.

MARY (CONT’D)
For sure?

CHARLIE
Yeah. For sure.

CHARLIE wheels himself over to MARY.
87.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Listen to me. I need to make
certain that Ellie’s going to be
okay. That she has someone who
won’t give up on her.

Pause. MARY looks at CHARLIE, her anger growing.

MARY
You already gave up on her. You
gave up on her when she was four
years old--

CHARLIE
I wanted to be a part of her life,
Mary, both of your lives--

MARY
I need to--. I have to go.

MARY grabs her purse, heading toward the door.

CHARLIE
(desperate)
I need to know I did one thing
right in my life.

MARY stops at the door. She waits for a moment, not looking
at CHARLIE.

MARY
Charlie, you’ve been in here eating
yourself to death for thirteen
years. How the hell could you help
her deal with her shit if this is
how you deal with your own?

MARY stands at the door, unmoving, still not looking at
CHARLIE. CHARLIE is at a loss.

MARY (CONT’D)
Do you need anything before I
leave? Water, or something?

Pause.

CHARLIE
No.

Pause.

MARY
Do you... Do you want me to help
you to the bathroom?
88.


CHARLIE doesn’t respond. MARY waits for a beat, then exits.

CHARLIE is left alone, wheezing. He closes his eyes, leaning
his head up, at a complete loss.

He takes a few breaths, trying to calm himself down. He
looks toward the window.

Fighting for air, he arduously wheels himself toward the
window. He reaches up and manages to open it. He leans
forward, sticking his head out the window, breathing in fresh
air with his eyes closed.

After a moment, CHARLIE opens his eyes, calming down a bit.
He looks out to the horizon.

Then, he notices something underneath the plate of bread
crumbs. He reaches to the plate, picking it up. Underneath
the plate is the bird from before, crushed to death.

He looks at the bird silently for a moment.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Charlie and Mary share a moment that shifts from laughter to tears as Mary learns of Charlie's terminal illness. Their conversation reveals deep-seated resentment over past abandonment and concerns for their daughter, Ellie. As tensions rise, Mary angrily accuses Charlie of giving up on their family, leading her to leave in frustration despite his desperate pleas for connection. Left alone, Charlie reflects on his situation, symbolized by a crushed bird he observes outside the window.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful in its emotional impact, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the weight of their past actions. The dialogue is poignant, and the conflict is palpable, driving the scene forward with intensity.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the weight of regret and missed opportunities in the context of Charlie and Mary's relationship is compelling and well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the emotional resonance of the scene.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is driven by the emotional conflict between Charlie and Mary, revealing layers of their past and present struggles. It advances the narrative by deepening the characters' arcs and setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring themes of regret, redemption, and familial relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters of Charlie and Mary are richly developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their interactions. Their dynamic is central to the scene's impact, showcasing their history and the weight of their choices.

Character Changes: 9

Both Charlie and Mary undergo subtle changes in this scene, with moments of vulnerability and reflection shaping their interactions. Their emotional journey adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek validation and closure regarding his past actions and relationships, particularly with his daughter. He wants reassurance that he did something right in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure his daughter, Ellie, will be taken care of and supported after he is gone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict between Charlie and Mary is intense and emotionally charged, driving the scene's tension and revealing the deep-seated emotions and regrets that define their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mary challenging Charlie's beliefs and actions, creating a compelling conflict that drives the emotional intensity.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as Charlie and Mary confront their past decisions and the impact on their relationship. The emotional intensity and revelations raise the stakes for the characters, adding tension and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' arcs, revealing key aspects of their past and present struggles, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It adds layers to the narrative and enhances the overall plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting emotional dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of redemption, regret, and the impact of past decisions on present relationships. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his ability to make amends and be a positive influence in his daughter's life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anger, and regret in the audience. The raw emotions displayed by Charlie and Mary resonate deeply, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is poignant and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the characters' interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, authentic character dynamics, and the audience's investment in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for impactful character moments and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic, dialogue-heavy scene, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure effectively conveys the emotional beats of the scene, allowing for a natural progression of tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional volatility between Charlie and Mary, building on the intimacy from the previous scene (scene 23) where Mary buries her face in his chest. This continuity strengthens the narrative flow, allowing for a natural progression from vulnerability to conflict, which helps underscore the themes of regret and familial estrangement central to the screenplay. However, the rapid shift from laughter to sobs and then to anger might feel abrupt without sufficient buildup, potentially alienating viewers if not handled with careful direction and performance; it risks coming across as melodramatic rather than authentically emotional, especially since Mary's repeated use of 'Fuck you' lacks variation and could be seen as repetitive, diminishing its impact over multiple utterances.
  • Charlie's revelation of his impending death is a pivotal moment that heightens the stakes and deepens his character's desperation, aligning with his arc of seeking redemption through his relationships. Yet, this disclosure feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more foreshadowing or subtle hints earlier in the scene to make it less expository; as it stands, it might come across as a convenient plot device rather than an organic emotional beat, particularly since the audience is already aware of his condition from prior scenes, which could make this moment redundant for some viewers and reduce its dramatic weight.
  • The dialogue, while raw and honest, occasionally veers into tell-don't-show territory, such as when Charlie explicitly states his need to ensure Ellie's well-being and that he did 'one thing right in his life.' This directness can make the scene feel less cinematic and more like a therapy session, potentially underutilizing the visual medium of film; incorporating more subtext through actions, facial expressions, or symbolic elements could enhance the emotional depth and allow the audience to infer motivations rather than having them stated outright.
  • Visually, the scene uses strong elements like Charlie wheeling himself to the window and discovering the crushed bird, which serves as a poignant symbol of death and the consequences of neglect, tying back to earlier motifs (e.g., the bird eating bread crumbs). This reinforces the screenplay's thematic consistency, but the symbolism might not land as powerfully if the audience doesn't immediately recall the earlier reference; additionally, the pauses and silences are effective for building tension, but they could feel drawn out in execution, risking a loss of momentum in a film that already deals with heavy, introspective moments.
  • Overall, the scene advances character development by exploring Mary's resentment and Charlie's guilt, contributing to the story's emotional climax. However, it slightly over-relies on verbal confrontation without balancing it with physical or visual storytelling, which is a missed opportunity in a screenplay that excels in depicting Charlie's physical struggles. This could make the scene feel static at times, especially in contrast to more dynamic sequences, and might not fully capitalize on the potential for visceral, embodied emotion given Charlie's condition.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext and nuance; for example, instead of Mary's repeated 'Fuck you,' vary her responses with actions or fragmented speech that convey her anger and hurt more dynamically, making the exchange feel less repetitive and more layered.
  • Add subtle foreshadowing to Charlie's death revelation, such as a brief visual cue or a hesitant pause in his earlier line about smelling like seawater, to make the moment feel more earned and less abrupt, enhancing its emotional impact without altering the core dialogue.
  • Incorporate more visual and physical elements to balance the verbal-heavy scenes; for instance, show Charlie's physical pain through close-ups of his hands gripping the wheelchair or labored breathing sounds, which could convey his desperation more powerfully than words alone and align with the screenplay's strength in depicting his bodily struggles.
  • Strengthen the symbolic payoff of the crushed bird by including a brief flashback or auditory cue linking it to earlier bird-related moments, ensuring the audience connects it to themes of loss and neglect without needing explicit explanation, thus making the ending more resonant.
  • Adjust pacing by shortening some of the pauses or intercutting with tighter shots during moments of silence to maintain tension and prevent the scene from feeling sluggish; this could involve cross-cutting to Mary's facial expressions or Charlie's wheezing to keep the audience engaged while preserving the introspective tone.



Scene 25 -  Isolation and Desperation
INT. - LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE is sitting in his wheelchair, breathing heavily. He
is on his laptop, looking at ELLIE’s Facebook profile.

Above the photo of CHARLIE from before is a photo of the dead
bird, crushed underneath the plate on the windowsill.
CHARLIE stares at the photo.

A knock at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Gambino’s.

CHARLIE doesn’t move, continues to stare at the computer
screen. A moment passes, then another knock at the door.

DELIVERY BOY (CONT’D)
Charlie?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Yeah.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
You okay?
89.


CHARLIE
Yeah.
(pause)
Money’s in the, uh.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Sure.

The sound of a mail box opening and shutting. The shadow of
a pizza box appears under the front door.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
You doing okay in there?

Pause.

CHARLIE
Yeah, Danny.
(pause)
Thanks.

DELIVERY BOY (O.S.)
Have a good night, okay?

CHARLIE
Yeah. You too.

CHARLIE listens for a moment, we hear the sound of the
DELIVERY BOY walking away. CHARLIE waits one more moment,
then starts wheeling himself over to the door, the reaching
claw in his lap.

He approaches the door, reaching forward. Grasping the knob
takes quite a lot of effort, he feels pain as he rolls
himself forward in his wheelchair.

Finally, he turns the doorknob and pulls the door open. Two
large pizza boxes lay on the floor in front of him. CHARLIE
maneuvers the claw toward the pizza boxes, trying to grab an
edge of the box so he can drag them into his apartment.

DELIVERY BOY
Jesus.

CHARLIE looks up. The DELIVERY BOY is standing in the
stairwell, having only descended a step or two, staring at
CHARLIE. They look at one another for a moment in silence.

The DELIVERY BOY reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
cellphone. He takes a picture of CHARLIE. CHARLIE looks
away. He drags the two pizza boxes into his apartment, the
DELIVERY BOY watching him the entire time in amazement.

CHARLIE quickly shuts the door, wheezing heavily.
90.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE, near the couch, is ravenously eating the pizza.
Sauce is getting everywhere, CHARLIE is struggling for breath
but continues to eat.

He eats furiously, angrily, chewing and swallowing
dangerously fast. Sweat pours down his face.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY LATER

Still eating the pizza, CHARLIE opens up his laptop. He logs
on to his teaching software, then begins to write a post to
all of his students in all of his classes.

We see only bits and pieces of what he’s writing: “just give
me something fucking honest”, “fuck the readings”, and most
notably, “THIS CLASS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT”.


INT. - KITCHEN - SHORTLY LATER

CHARLIE is at the fridge, sweating and breathing heavily. He
opens the door, searching around inside. There is very
little food. He finds the jar of mayonnaise from before,
eats from it with his bare hands.

He searches around the kitchen, finds a few more bits of
food: some cereal bars, potato chips, various junk food.

A series of shots of CHARLIE eating, barely stopping to take
a breath.

Finally, unable to continue eating and breathing at the same
time, he stops for a moment, taking a breath. He looks up,
breathing in and out.

He has a pain in his chest, he doubles over in pain. Just
after the pain hits, he is overcome with a wave of nausea.
He reaches under the sink, grabbing a trash can. He holds
the can up to his head, vomiting into it.

Finally, he begins to calm down. His breathing slowly
returns to normal. He puts the trash can down on the floor.

He looks around the room, holding back tears.


INT. - KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT

CHARLIE is asleep in his wheelchair, in the same position as
before. A loud knocking jolts him awake, producing pain in
his chest. Another knock.
91.


CHARLIE
Liz?!

THOMAS (O.S.)
Can I come inside?!
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary In this scene, Charlie, alone in his apartment, grapples with his physical and emotional struggles. After a brief interaction with a pizza delivery boy, who intrudes on his privacy by taking a photo, Charlie indulges in a frantic binge of junk food, leading to pain and vomiting. His anger surfaces as he writes a furious post to his students, reflecting his deep frustration and isolation. The scene culminates with Charlie falling asleep in his wheelchair, only to be jolted awake by Thomas's knocking, highlighting his ongoing loneliness and turmoil.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Authentic character emotions
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy emotional weight

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys intense emotions, desperation, and defiance through the characters' interactions and actions. The high stakes and emotional conflict keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a moment of intense emotional conflict and desperation is well executed. The scene effectively captures the characters' inner turmoil and struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around the emotional conflict and high stakes faced by the characters. It adds depth to the overall story and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on themes of loneliness, self-destruction, and societal judgment. The authenticity of Charlie's actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' emotions and conflicts are portrayed authentically, adding depth to their personalities. The scene allows for character growth and reveals their inner struggles.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional shifts and confrontations that impact their relationships and perspectives. Their interactions lead to moments of realization and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to cope with his loneliness, despair, and physical limitations. His actions and reactions reflect his deep-seated need for connection, validation, and relief from his emotional pain.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal is to receive and eat the pizza delivery. This goal reflects his immediate need for sustenance and comfort in the face of his physical and emotional struggles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, driven by the characters' emotional turmoil and high stakes. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the delivery boy's judgment and Charlie's internal conflicts, adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene involve emotional confrontations, revelations, and decisions that have a significant impact on the characters' relationships and future actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional conflicts and relationships between the characters. It sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and reactions between Charlie and the delivery boy, adding layers of tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Charlie's internal battle with self-worth, acceptance, and the perception of others. The delivery boy's judgment and the societal norms challenge Charlie's beliefs about himself and his place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of anger, desperation, and defiance. The intense emotions resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, desperation, and defiance. It adds to the intensity and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in Charlie's intense emotional and physical struggles, creating a sense of empathy and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, capturing the audience's attention and guiding them through Charlie's turbulent journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, making the scene easy to follow and visualize. The scene directions and character dialogues are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and struggles. The pacing and transitions enhance the impact of each moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Charlie's physical and emotional deterioration, using visceral, raw actions like compulsive eating and vomiting to immerse the audience in his isolation and despair. This aligns well with the overall script's themes of mortality, regret, and self-destruction, providing a poignant moment that builds on the emotional fallout from the previous scenes, such as Mary's departure and Charlie's confrontation with his past. However, the intensity might feel overwhelming if similar scenes of decline have been frequent, potentially risking audience desensitization without sufficient variation in tone or pacing.
  • The interaction with the delivery boy introduces a moment of external observation that highlights Charlie's vulnerability, but it comes across as somewhat contrived. The delivery boy's decision to take a photo feels abrupt and lacks clear motivation or consequence, which could undermine the scene's realism. This moment might unintentionally shift focus from Charlie's internal struggle to an external judgment, diluting the intimate, introspective tone established in the preceding scenes where family conflicts dominate.
  • Charlie's angry online post to his students is a strong character beat that reveals his frustration with superficiality and his desire for honesty, tying back to his role as a teacher and his earlier voice-overs. However, the fragmented presentation of the post's content (e.g., 'just give me something fucking honest') could be more integrated with his emotional state; as it stands, it feels like a cathartic outburst that doesn't fully connect to his arc, potentially missing an opportunity to show growth or regression in his teaching philosophy amid his declining health.
  • Visually, the scene uses compelling imagery, such as the dead bird photo on Ellie's Facebook and Charlie's messy eating, to reinforce motifs of death and decay established earlier in the script. This creates a cohesive symbolic layer, but the repetitive focus on Charlie's eating habits and physical pain might border on melodrama, making the scene feel predictable. Additionally, the transition to Thomas's knock at the end is abrupt, lacking buildup that could heighten tension or provide a smoother narrative link to the next scene, where Thomas's return escalates the conflict.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a critical pivot in Charlie's character journey, emphasizing his loneliness and unaddressed pain in the wake of familial rejections. It successfully conveys a sense of hopelessness, but it could benefit from more nuanced emotional beats to avoid feeling one-note. For instance, while the vomiting and chest pain are powerful, they might overshadow subtler moments of reflection, such as Charlie's tearful look around the room, which could be expanded to explore his inner thoughts more deeply, helping readers and viewers connect with his humanity beyond the physicality.
Suggestions
  • To enhance emotional depth, incorporate subtle internal monologue or visual flashbacks during Charlie's calmer moments, such as after vomiting, to connect his current state to specific memories from earlier scenes, making his despair more relatable and layered.
  • Refine the delivery boy's interaction by adding a line of dialogue or a reaction that foreshadows its potential impact, such as hinting at social media exposure or personal curiosity, to make it feel more organic and tied to the story's themes of judgment and isolation.
  • Expand Charlie's online post to include a brief voice-over or on-screen text that references his own life lessons from the script's opening, creating a stronger thematic link and showing how his teaching philosophy has evolved, which could add depth to his character arc.
  • Vary the pacing by intercutting the eating sequences with quieter, reflective shots, such as close-ups of the dead bird photo or Charlie's face, to build tension gradually and prevent the scene from feeling repetitive or overly graphic.
  • Strengthen the ending transition by adding auditory cues or visual hints of Thomas's approach earlier in the scene, such as distant sounds or shadows, to increase suspense and better integrate it with the overall narrative flow, ensuring it feels like a natural progression rather than a sudden cut.



Scene 26 -  Confrontation of Faith and Pain
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE barely manages to wheel himself out of the kitchen
and into the living room, moving toward the door. A dog in a
nearby apartment starts barking.

CHARLIE
What’s wrong?!

THOMAS (O.S.)
I’m sorry, I just--. I had to come
over, right now.

CHARLIE approaches the door, opens it. THOMAS stands in the
doorway, disheveled and bristling with energy. A neighbor
bangs on the wall.

CHARLIE
Just--. Sh--

THOMAS
(lowering his voice)
I’m sorry. Sorry.

THOMAS makes his way inside, shutting the door behind him.
CHARLIE pivots, facing THOMAS.

CHARLIE
What’s wrong?

THOMAS
My parents found out where I am.

Pause.

CHARLIE
What?

THOMAS
Your daughter she took pictures of
me smoking pot, and made a
recording or something, and she
sent it to my parents’ church and
told them where I was.

CHARLIE
I don’t. Really understand.
92.


THOMAS sits down on the recliner.

THOMAS
My parents called me a few hours
ago, and you know what they said?
They said they were glad that they
heard me say those things. They
said they finally understood, and
that they loved me and cared about
me and wanted me to come home.

CHARLIE looks at THOMAS, confused.

CHARLIE
I don’t--

THOMAS
They’re coming to get me, tomorrow.
And I sort of can’t figure out if
your daughter was trying to help me
or hurt me, I really don’t know
what--

CHARLIE has a pain his in chest, he doubles over. THOMAS
goes to him.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

CHARLIE
Nothing, it just--. It just hurts.

THOMAS
I want to help you. I know I can
help you.

CHARLIE
I’m not going to the hospital--

THOMAS
I know. I won’t make you go, but I
can help you.

THOMAS finds a chair, drags it next to CHARLIE, sitting down.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Charlie, it’s not too late to know
God’s love.

CHARLIE sighs, looking away from THOMAS.
93.


THOMAS (CONT’D)
You don’t have to be in this kind
of pain anymore, you don’t have to
let your body hold your spirit
down.

CHARLIE
Okay, this doesn’t--

THOMAS gets up, excited.

THOMAS
I get it now! I finally realized
what God has been doing with me,
why he sent me here, why he sent me
to you.

The dog next door barks again. CHARLIE motions for THOMAS to
be silent.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(lowering his voice)
Sorry, just--.

He gets closer to CHARLIE.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Charlie, one day soon God is going
to come again. And when he does,
he can remake you, he can--release
you from this body. But you have
to let him in. You have to open
your heart to him.

CHARLIE
Look, I know you’re trying to help,
but you... I shouldn’t have let
you keep coming over here, I should
have--

THOMAS
I know what happened to Alan.

Pause. CHARLIE stares at him. THOMAS jumps up, rushing into
the bedroom.

CHARLIE
What?

THOMAS returns holding Alan’s Bible. CHARLIE sees it
immediately. Pause.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
94.


THOMAS
When you asked Alan to be with you,
you asked him to turn his back on
God--you asked him to be someone he
wasn’t. You forced him to make a
choice, like--to be with you he had
to let go of God.

THOMAS extends the Bible to CHARLIE, flipping through it,
showing him the well-worn pages, the notes, the highlights.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
But his love for God was too
important, too--essential, and
without it he couldn’t go on, he
just--.
(pause)
But it’s not too late for you.

Pause. THOMAS closes the Bible, hands it to CHARLIE.
CHARLIE slowly takes it, looks at THOMAS.

CHARLIE
You think Alan died because he
chose to be with me? You think God
turned his back on him because he
and I were in love?

Silence. THOMAS smiles at CHARLIE, taking his hand gently.

THOMAS
Yes.

Silence. CHARLIE takes his hand away and looks away from
THOMAS, wheezing, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment
he chuckles a little, then laughs; the laughter causes pain
in his chest.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Charlie?

CHARLIE looks to the other side of the room. He grabs the
wheels of his wheelchair, using all of his strength to move
across the room.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
Charlie, are you--? What is it?

THOMAS stands, watching him. CHARLIE approaches the framed
photo of himself and Alan, still face down on the shelf. He
reaches up, turning the photo right side up. He stares at it
for a moment in silence. THOMAS slowly approaches him.
95.


CHARLIE
You know, I wasn’t always this big.

Pause.

THOMAS
Yeah, I know.

CHARLIE
I mean I was never the best looking
guy in the room, but Alan still
loved me. He thought I was
beautiful.

THOMAS
Okay--

CHARLIE looks at THOMAS.

CHARLIE
Halfway through the semester he
started meeting me during my office
hours. We were both crazy about
one another, but we waited until
the course was over before we...

THOMAS
This isn’t--

CHARLIE
It was just after classes had ended
for the year, it was a perfect
temperature outside. We went for a
walk in the arboretum, and we
kissed--

THOMAS
Charlie, stop.

THOMAS turns, moves away from CHARLIE. CHARLIE follows him
in his wheelchair, the effort of moving causing him a lot of
pain. His breathing is increasingly shallow.

CHARLIE
(getting louder)
We would spend entire nights lying
next to one another, naked--

THOMAS
Stop.

The dog from before starts barking again. THOMAS motions for
CHARLIE to be quiet, CHARLIE continues to build in volume.
96.


CHARLIE
We would make love.

THOMAS
I don’t want to hear about-

CHARLIE
We would make love. Do you find
that disgusting?

The neighbor from before starts banging on the wall again.
THOMAS bends down to him, speaking softly and gently,
desperately trying to maintain a smile.

THOMAS
Charlie, God is ready to help you,
you don’t have to--

CHARLIE
I hope there isn’t a God.
(pause, then growing to a
shout)
I hope there isn’t a God because I
hate thinking that there’s an
afterlife, that Alan can see what
I’ve done to myself, that he can
see my swollen feet, the sores on
my skin, the patches of mold in
between the flaps--

THOMAS recoils, turning away from CHARLIE. The upstairs
neighbor starts banging on the floor, the dog continues to
bark.

NEIGHBOR #1 (O.S.)
Shut up!

THOMAS
Okay, stop!

CHARLIE
--the infected ulcers on my ass,
the sack of fat on my back that
turned brown last year--

THOMAS
Stop!

NEIGHBOR #2 (O.S.)
Shut the fuck up!

The banging on the wall and ceiling continue, the dog
continues to bark.
97.


CHARLIE
This is disgusting?! Tell me the
truth!

THOMAS
Charlie, stop!

CHARLIE
TELL ME THE TRUTH!

THOMAS turns to CHARLIE aggressively, shouting at him.

THOMAS
YES IT’S DISGUSTING, YOU’RE
DISGUSTING, YOU’RE--!

THOMAS stops himself. CHARLIE stares at him.

The dog continues to bark for a moment more, there are a few
last bangs on the floor and ceiling.

Finally the dog stops barking, the neighbors stop pounding.
CHARLIE and THOMAS are left in silence, staring at one
another. CHARLIE wheezes heavily, THOMAS is at a loss for
words. Finally:

CHARLIE
Go home to your family.

THOMAS looks at him for a moment, then turns and goes to the
door. He leaves, shutting the door behind him.

CHARLIE breathes heavily, trying to calm himself down,
shaking with pain.
Genres: ["Drama","Conflict"]

Summary In this intense scene, Charlie, confined to a wheelchair, confronts Thomas, who arrives disheveled and energetic after his parents discovered his whereabouts through Charlie's daughter. As Thomas attempts to offer spiritual guidance, Charlie experiences chest pain and becomes increasingly agitated, rejecting Thomas's religious views and sharing intimate memories of his deceased partner, Alan. The confrontation escalates, leading to personal attacks and Thomas admitting his disgust at Charlie's condition. Ultimately, Thomas leaves, leaving Charlie alone and in pain, highlighting the emotional and ideological conflict between them.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Complex character interactions
  • Raw and confrontational dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming emotional intensity
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is powerful in its emotional depth and character revelations. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and conflicts of the characters, creating a tense and impactful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring deep personal truths and past relationships is compelling. The scene effectively delves into the characters' inner conflicts and emotional struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around emotional revelations and confrontations, driving the character dynamics forward. It adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to themes of love, guilt, and self-acceptance. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and poignant, offering a unique perspective on personal struggles and moral conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each revealing layers of emotions and past experiences. Their interactions and conflicts drive the scene's intensity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional revelations and confrontations, leading to moments of self-realization and introspection. Their interactions drive personal growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal is to come to terms with his past, his relationship with Alan, and his own self-worth. He grapples with guilt, self-hatred, and the desire for redemption.

External Goal: 7.5

Charlie's external goal is to deal with the immediate crisis of Thomas's revelation about his parents finding him and the potential consequences. He also struggles with the intrusion of his past and the conflict it brings.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, driving the character interactions and revealing deep-seated emotions and tensions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, emotional turmoil, and power dynamics creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the resolution of the characters' conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as characters confront past traumas, reveal deep emotions, and face the consequences of their actions. The emotional intensity raises the stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important character dynamics, deepening conflicts, and setting the stage for further developments. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations, emotional outbursts, and shifting power dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between personal desires, societal expectations, and religious beliefs. Charlie questions the existence of God, struggles with self-acceptance, and confronts the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of anger, desperation, and defiance. The raw and intense emotions resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is intense and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts. It adds depth to the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, the revelation of past secrets, and the characters' raw vulnerability. The escalating tension keeps the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing for moments of reflection and confrontation to resonate with the audience. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, allowing for clear visualization of the scene's progression and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the emotional rawness and desperation of Charlie's character, building on his ongoing struggle with mortality and regret. The confrontation with Thomas serves as a powerful vehicle for Charlie to express his pent-up anger and self-loathing, providing a cathartic release that deepens the audience's understanding of his internal conflict. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly didactic, particularly in Thomas's proselytizing lines, which may come across as stereotypical and less nuanced, potentially reducing the authenticity of his character and making the religious themes feel heavy-handed rather than organically integrated.
  • The pacing is intense and escalatory, mirroring Charlie's physical and emotional pain, which creates a visceral sense of urgency. The inclusion of external elements like the barking dog and banging neighbors adds realism and heightens the claustrophobic atmosphere, emphasizing Charlie's isolation. That said, the scene risks becoming repetitive with the repeated interruptions and shouting, which could dilute the impact of the climax and make the sequence feel prolonged without sufficient variation in rhythm or tone.
  • Character development is strong here, with Charlie's monologue revealing intimate details about his past relationship with Alan, which ties into the broader themes of love, loss, and identity. This moment of vulnerability humanizes Charlie further and contrasts with his earlier denials, showing growth. However, Thomas's arc feels underdeveloped; his sudden shift to aggression and admission that Charlie is 'disgusting' might seem abrupt or unearned, lacking the subtle buildup that could make his character more sympathetic or complex, thus weakening the interpersonal dynamics.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the script's exploration of spirituality, guilt, and human imperfection, with the Bible and the photo of Alan serving as potent symbols. The graphic descriptions of Charlie's physical deterioration are bold and unflinching, contributing to the scene's raw honesty and underscoring the theme of bodily betrayal. Nevertheless, this approach borders on sensationalism, which could alienate some viewers or overshadow the emotional core, suggesting a need for more balanced handling to avoid exploiting Charlie's condition for shock value rather than character insight.
  • Visually and aurally, the scene uses sound design effectively to amplify tension, with the crescendo of noise from neighbors creating a chaotic backdrop that reflects Charlie's inner turmoil. The action beats, such as Charlie wheeling himself across the room and handling the photo, are well-described and convey his physical limitations poignantly. However, the scene could benefit from more varied visual storytelling; for instance, closer shots or subtle facial expressions might enhance the emotional beats, as the current focus on dialogue sometimes overshadows opportunities for non-verbal communication that could make the scene more cinematic.
  • In the context of the entire script, this scene acts as a pivotal moment leading into the climax, heightening the stakes and isolating Charlie further. It successfully escalates the conflict from previous scenes, particularly with references to Ellie's actions and Thomas's backstory. Yet, the resolution feels somewhat abrupt, with Thomas's exit lacking a strong emotional payoff or transition, which might leave the audience wanting more closure or a clearer link to the impending finale, potentially disrupting the narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Refine Thomas's dialogue to make it less preachy and more personal, drawing from his own vulnerabilities revealed in earlier scenes to add layers to his character and make his attempts to help Charlie feel more genuine and less formulaic.
  • Incorporate more physical actions and visual cues to break up the dialogue-heavy sections, such as Charlie's labored breathing or subtle gestures with the Bible, to enhance the cinematic quality and allow the audience to experience the emotions through action rather than exposition.
  • Vary the pacing by inserting moments of quiet intensity or pause after key lines, such as after Thomas's admission that Charlie is 'disgusting,' to let the weight of the words sink in and build suspense, preventing the scene from feeling monotonous.
  • Tone down the graphic descriptions of Charlie's physical condition slightly to focus more on emotional impact, perhaps by implying details through metaphor or Charlie's expressions, ensuring the scene remains poignant without risking desensitization or discomfort for the audience.
  • Strengthen the connection to earlier scenes by referencing specific events, like Ellie's photo or Thomas's family issues, in a way that feels integrated, and consider adding a brief flashback or visual recall to reinforce thematic continuity and deepen the audience's investment.
  • Extend the ending slightly to provide a smoother transition out of the confrontation, such as Charlie reflecting on the photo alone or a fade to the external landscape, to give the scene a more satisfying emotional resolution and better prepare for the subsequent scenes in the script.



Scene 27 -  Confronting Shadows
EXT. - PALOUSE LANDSCAPE

More shots of the hills of the Palouse, which now seem
distorted, strange, aggressive. The sound of waves is very
distinct, loud. As the images continue, the hills turn into
what looks like an ocean in the middle of a storm.


TITLE: FRIDAY


INT. - BEDROOM - DAWN

Morning light barely begins to shine through the window.
CHARLIE--tired, wheezing, and in constant pain--is in the
middle of the room on his wheelchair looking down at the
cardboard box containing Alan’s things.
98.


He stares at it for a moment, then using his reaching claw,
manages to pick it up and put it in his lap. He drops the
claw on the ground.

He opens up the box, looking at the contents. He pulls out
the framed picture of Alan at his church confirmation, looks
at it briefly.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHARLIE is in front of the framed photo of himself and Alan
at the coast. He reaches up to the shelf, puts the framed
photo of Alan at his confirmation next to it.

Next to the two photos he starts placing the items from the
box: the seashell, the Bible. He leans back, staring at the
photo.

He looks out the window. Morning light starts to creep into
the living room as he breathes in and out.


INT. - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

CHARLIE, tired and dazed, sweat pouring down his face, is
sitting in front of his laptop. He speaks into the
microphone.

CHARLIE
Well, your complaints have been
heard. I’ve been replaced by
someone who will no doubt have you
rewrite and rewrite and rewrite,
just like I did for seventeen
years, analyzing every word, every
punctuation mark for clarity and
precision of meaning, and...
(pause)
You all sent me your essays. Your
new essays, the ones you didn’t
rewrite. The ones you didn’t think
about, and...

CHARLIE leans over, pulling up a few essays on his computer.
He reads.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
KristyStar9, you wrote: “My parents
want me to be a pharmacist, but I
don’t even know what that is.”

CHARLIE smiles. He pulls up another essay, reads.
99.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)
PeterUSD, you wrote “I’m sick of
people telling me that I have
promise.”

CHARLIE pulls up another essay, reads.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
AdamD567 you wrote, “I think I need
to accept that my life isn’t going
to be very exciting.”

CHARLIE leans back in his wheelchair, breathing. He smiles.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You all wrote these... Amazing
things, I just...
(pause)
I want to be honest with you now.
I’ve been just a voice to all of
you all semester, and now you’ve
been so honest with me, I just...

CHARLIE pauses, then reaches to the side of the couch. He
fishes around for a moment, then pulls out a small webcam.
With some difficulty, he leans forward and plugs the camera
into the laptop.

A blank window appears on the computer screen. CHARLIE takes
a few breaths, steadying the camera in front of his face. He
reaches forward and hits the space bar, turning on the
camera.

The camera beeps to life and CHARLIE’s image appears in the
window on the computer. CHARLIE looks into the camera for a
moment. He smiles a bit, wheezing.

CHARLIE moves the camera away from his body, filming more of
himself. He tilts the camera down, filming his entire body.
After a moment he tilts the camera back up to his face. He
smiles gently.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
These assignments--they don’t
matter. This course doesn’t
matter. College doesn’t matter.
These beautiful, honest things you
wrote--they matter.

CHARLIE pauses for a second, then in one motion throws the
camera and laptop across the room. They crash against the
wall.

CHARLIE breathes in and out, wheezing.
100.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a poignant scene set against the distorted Palouse landscape, Charlie, a weary and ailing man, grapples with grief over his late brother Alan while sorting through his belongings. As he arranges cherished items in his living room, he reflects on his disillusionment with teaching during a recorded monologue to his absent students. His emotional turmoil culminates in a moment of frustration as he violently destroys his recording equipment, seeking a cathartic release from his pain and despair.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and turmoil experienced by Charlie, drawing the audience into his world of pain and regret. The intense dialogue and character dynamics create a compelling narrative that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Charlie's emotional turmoil and physical decline is well-developed, providing a deep insight into his character and the themes of regret, honesty, and acceptance. The scene effectively conveys these concepts through character interactions and introspective moments.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on Charlie's emotional journey and the dynamics between characters, driving the narrative forward through intense interactions and moments of reflection. The plot development contributes to the overall emotional impact of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of self-worth, authenticity, and the value of honesty. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, especially Charlie, are well-developed and portrayed with depth and authenticity. Their emotional complexity and interactions drive the narrative forward, creating a compelling and engaging story.

Character Changes: 8

Charlie undergoes significant emotional turmoil and introspection in the scene, leading to moments of vulnerability and reflection. His interactions with other characters also contribute to his character development and internal changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlie's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his own feelings of inadequacy and insignificance in the face of his students' honesty and vulnerability. He grapples with his own sense of purpose and self-worth.

External Goal: 7

Charlie's external goal is to convey a message of honesty and authenticity to his students, breaking free from the constraints of academia and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene features emotional and internal conflicts within Charlie, as well as conflicts between characters, adding depth and tension to the narrative. The conflicts drive character development and emotional intensity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Charlie's beliefs and actions, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for both the character and the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as Charlie grapples with his deteriorating health, emotional turmoil, and strained relationships with his family. The decisions and conflicts faced by the characters have significant consequences, adding tension and depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Charlie's emotional journey and the dynamics between characters. It provides crucial insights into the characters' relationships and motivations, advancing the narrative towards a deeper exploration of themes and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in Charlie's unexpected actions and emotional outburst, keeping the audience intrigued and uncertain about his next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of honesty, vulnerability, and authenticity versus the structured, academic approach to education and life. Charlie's realization challenges the traditional notions of success and significance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anger, and desperation through the portrayal of Charlie's struggles and interactions with other characters. The emotional depth and intensity resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil and conflicts experienced by the characters. The dialogue enhances character development and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and the protagonist's introspective journey that resonates with the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of reflection and intensity to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively transitions between different settings and emotional beats, enhancing the narrative flow.


Critique
  • The opening with the Palouse landscape morphing into a stormy ocean effectively reinforces the film's recurring motif of emotional turbulence and Charlie's inner chaos, providing a seamless transition from the previous scene's intensity and setting a foreboding tone for the day. This visual element not only maintains thematic consistency but also immerses the audience in Charlie's psychological state, making the title card 'FRIDAY' feel like a ominous progression towards the climax.
  • Charlie's interaction with Alan's belongings in the bedroom and living room is a poignant moment of quiet reflection that highlights his grief and unresolved loss, adding depth to his character. By arranging the photos and items, it symbolizes a tentative act of remembrance and acceptance, which contrasts with his explosive outburst later, showcasing his internal conflict between denial and raw emotion. However, this section could benefit from more sensory details to heighten emotional impact, as the description feels somewhat static and might not fully convey the weight of his memories.
  • The teaching monologue via microphone is a strong character beat that ties into the film's central theme of honesty in writing and life. Charlie's shift from criticism to praise of his students' candid essays mirrors his own journey of self-revelation, making it a fitting development. Yet, the dialogue can come across as slightly didactic and expository, potentially alienating viewers if it feels too much like a lecture; balancing this with more personal asides or fragmented thoughts could make it feel more authentic and less like a direct address to the audience.
  • The use of the webcam to reveal Charlie's full appearance is a powerful visual choice that underscores his vulnerability and physical decline, creating a moment of stark honesty that parallels the film's exploration of exposure and truth. This act of turning the camera on himself is cathartic and builds tension effectively, but the sudden smash of the camera and laptop might feel unearned or abrupt without stronger buildup of his frustration throughout the scene. Adding subtle cues, like increasing wheezing or facial tics, could make the escalation more gradual and emotionally resonant.
  • Overall, the scene successfully conveys Charlie's isolation and deteriorating state, serving as a bridge to the finale by emphasizing themes of mortality, regret, and the search for meaning. However, the time jump from dawn to afternoon is handled abruptly, which could disrupt the flow; smoother transitions or additional establishing shots might help maintain pacing. Additionally, while the scene ends on a note of exhaustion, it could explore Charlie's emotional aftermath more deeply to strengthen the connection to the subsequent scenes, ensuring the audience feels the cumulative weight of his journey.
Suggestions
  • Add transitional elements, such as a brief voice-over or visual fade, to smooth the time jump from dawn to afternoon, helping to maintain narrative flow and give the audience a clearer sense of time passing.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during Charlie's handling of Alan's belongings, like describing the texture of the seashell or the smell of the old photo, to make the moment more immersive and emotionally engaging.
  • Refine the teaching dialogue to be more conversational and less formal; for example, have Charlie interject personal anecdotes or hesitations to make it feel like a genuine outpouring rather than a scripted rant.
  • Build up to the camera-smashing moment by including earlier signs of agitation, such as Charlie clenching his fists or breathing more erratically while reading the essays, to make the action feel more motivated and less sudden.
  • Consider adding a subtle foreshadowing element, like a glance at the window or a reference to Ellie, to better link this scene to the emotional climax in Scene 29, reinforcing the theme of honesty and preparing the audience for the resolution.



Scene 28 -  Fractured Connections
INT. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

LIZ stands in the open doorway, staring at the broken
computer, holding a bag. CHARLIE is in the same position as
before.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry.

LIZ
Don’t.

LIZ makes her way inside, shutting the door.

CHARLIE
Liz--

LIZ
I said don’t.

LIZ takes the stethoscope off of CHARLIE, puts it back in her
bag. She moves away from CHARLIE.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I really hate you for putting me
through this again, you know that?
(pause)
Those last few months before
Alan... I’d come over here, scream
at him, shake him, just trying to
get him to fucking eat something.
God, that was awful.

CHARLIE
It was awful for me, too.

LIZ
Well you weren’t the one who found
him. In your bed, underneath the
covers, curled up like a fetus.

LIZ stands for a moment, then goes to her bag. She takes out
a plastic bag filled with two sub sandwiches. She drops the
sandwiches onto the couch, looking at CHARLIE, defeated.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I don’t know what I’m doing.

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, bending down to him, looking directly at
him.

CHARLIE
I’m not. Going to the hospital.
101.


LIZ looks at him.

LIZ
I’m not asking you to, Charlie.
(pause)
I can’t do this anymore.

CHARLIE reaches up, brushing her face with his hand gently.
He smiles at her.

CHARLIE’s breathing is very shallow, sweat pours down his
face. He struggles for breath.

CHARLIE looks out the window as LIZ begins to cry.

Very softly, we begin to the hear the sound of waves as
CHARLIE stares out the window. CHARLIE smiles, joy radiating
from underneath immense pain.

CHARLIE
She helped him.

Pause.

LIZ
What?

CHARLIE
She wasn’t trying to hurt him. She
was trying to help him.

LIZ finally looks at him.

LIZ
Who are you talking about?

CHARLIE
The kid from New Life. He’s going
home. She did that. She wasn’t
trying to hurt him.

LIZ goes to CHARLIE, putting her hands on his head.

LIZ
Charlie?

CHARLIE
She didn’t do it to hurt him, she
did it to send him home.

LIZ
Do you feel light-headed? Charlie,
look at me.
102.


CHARLIE
She was trying to help him.

LIZ
Who?

CHARLIE
Ellie. She was trying to help him,
she just wanted him to go home.

CHARLIE looks at LIZ lovingly. He takes her hands, smiling
at her.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Do you ever get the feeling. That
people. Are incapable. Of not
caring? People. Are. Amazing.

Suddenly the door opens and ELLIE charges inside, holding the
essay from before. She advances on CHARLIE, but then stops
when she sees the state he’s in.

ELLIE
What’s wrong with him?

LIZ
He’s dying.

Pause.

ELLIE
So call someone.

CHARLIE
No.

ELLIE
Call a fucking ambulance!

CHARLIE
Liz.

LIZ looks at CHARLIE, CHARLIE looks back at her.

ELLIE
I need to talk to him.

LIZ
I’m not leaving you alone with him.

ELLIE
I need to talk to him alone.
103.


CHARLIE
Liz. Please.

CHARLIE and LIZ continue to look at one another, silently.
Finally, LIZ smiles at him, nodding.

Pause.

LIZ
Okay.
(pause)
Okay, I’ll--. I’ll call someone,
and I’ll wait downstairs.

LIZ takes her cellphone out of her pocket, moving toward the
door.

Before she exits, LIZ stops, moves to CHARLIE, kissing him on
the top of his head. She stands over him, they give one
another one last look, and then LIZ exits.


EXT. - APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

LIZ exits the apartment, the phone in her hand. She shuts
the door behind her, then stands in the hallway for a moment,
not moving.

She looks at the phone in her hand for a moment, then puts it
back in her pocket. She takes a deep breath, sitting down on
the stairs. Putting her head in her hands, she begins to
cry.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Liz confronts the emotional toll of caring for Charlie, who is in a delusional state and refuses medical help despite his deteriorating condition. As Liz expresses her frustration and recounts her traumatic experience with Alan's death, Ellie enters urgently, demanding action. Tension rises as Liz reluctantly agrees to leave Charlie alone with Ellie, leading to a moment of intimacy between Liz and Charlie before she breaks down in tears on the stairs, overwhelmed by her emotional exhaustion and acceptance of the situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the weight of their past actions. The dialogue is poignant, and the interactions between the characters are raw and authentic, creating a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around themes of family, loss, and reconciliation, exploring the characters' complex relationships and emotional struggles. It effectively conveys the characters' internal conflicts and the weight of their past decisions.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene advances the story by resolving key conflicts and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further character development and plot progression, making it a crucial moment in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of loss, grief, and forgiveness through the lens of complex interpersonal dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are well-developed and multidimensional, with each displaying a range of emotions and motivations. Their interactions feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the scene and highlighting the complexity of their relationships.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle but significant changes in the scene, particularly in terms of their emotional growth and understanding of each other. The interactions lead to moments of reflection and reconciliation, impacting their future actions and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Liz's internal goal is to confront her feelings of anger, grief, and confusion regarding the past events involving Alan and her current situation with Charlie. She seeks closure and resolution to her emotional turmoil.

External Goal: 7.5

Liz's external goal is to handle the current crisis with Charlie's deteriorating health and make decisions about his care and well-being. She grapples with the responsibility and emotional burden of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and past traumas. While there is tension and unresolved issues between the characters, the conflict is more subdued and introspective.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, desires, and decisions creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the complex situation and their conflicting perspectives.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high in terms of emotional impact and character relationships. The characters face significant internal conflicts and must confront their past traumas and decisions, leading to moments of intense emotion and reflection.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving key conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative, paving the way for further plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the unexpected revelations about past events, and the uncertain outcome of Charlie's health crisis. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of forgiveness, understanding, and the complexity of human relationships. Liz and Charlie's differing perspectives on past events and their divergent emotional responses highlight the clash between acceptance and blame.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and empathy in the audience. The characters' raw emotions and poignant interactions create a powerful and moving experience for viewers.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and inner turmoil. It adds depth to the interactions and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, the conflict between characters, and the unfolding drama surrounding Charlie's deteriorating health. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional journey and the unresolved tensions between them.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to immerse themselves in the characters' struggles and conflicts. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a dramatic screenplay, effectively conveying the emotional beats and character interactions. The scene directions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's overall impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Charlie's deteriorating condition and Liz's exhaustion, building on the themes of mortality and regret established throughout the script. However, the dialogue-heavy nature risks overwhelming the audience with exposition, particularly in Liz's recounting of Alan's death, which, while poignant, may feel repetitive if similar sentiments have been expressed in earlier scenes. This could dilute the impact in a late-stage scene that should be heightening tension toward the climax.
  • Charlie's delusional monologue about Ellie helping Thomas adds depth to his character and ties into previous events, showcasing his confusion and lingering hope amidst pain. Yet, it might confuse viewers who aren't immediately recalling the context from scene 26, potentially disrupting the flow. As a penultimate scene, clarity is crucial to maintain engagement and ensure emotional beats land effectively without requiring the audience to piece together fragmented references.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the sound of waves and Charlie's physical struggles, are strong in evoking a sense of impending doom and isolation, aligning with the script's overarching symbolism. However, the scene could benefit from more dynamic visuals to break up the static dialogue exchanges; for instance, closer shots of Charlie's sweating and shallow breathing could emphasize his decline more viscerally, making the audience feel his pain more acutely.
  • Liz's decision not to call for help, shown in the exterior shot, is a powerful moment of character defeat and acceptance, providing a contrast to the interior chaos. That said, this shift might feel abrupt without stronger transitional cues, and it risks underdeveloping Ellie's sudden entrance, which could use more buildup to heighten the drama and make her confrontation feel more organic rather than abrupt.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a strong emotional bridge to the finale, highlighting themes of care, abandonment, and redemption. But it occasionally prioritizes verbal exposition over cinematic storytelling, which could make it less engaging for viewers who prefer action and subtext. In a script focused on intimate, character-driven moments, ensuring that each beat advances the narrative or deepens understanding is essential, and this scene does so but could refine its execution for greater impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual interruptions during dialogue-heavy sections, such as cutaways to Charlie's labored breathing or the broken computer, to vary pacing and maintain visual interest, helping to underscore the emotional undercurrents without relying solely on words.
  • Refine Charlie's delusional dialogue for better clarity and integration; for example, add subtle flashbacks or voice-over recaps of key moments from earlier scenes to remind the audience of the context involving Ellie and Thomas, ensuring the emotional payoff is accessible without confusion.
  • Enhance the symbolic elements by expanding on the wave sounds with complementary visuals, like distorting the window view to mimic ocean waves, to reinforce the thematic parallels to Moby Dick and Charlie's inner turmoil, making the scene more immersive and cinematically rich.
  • Build suspense around Ellie's entrance by adding foreshadowing, such as distant sounds of footsteps or a shadow under the door, to make her arrival feel more anticipated and heighten the dramatic tension, while also giving Liz and Charlie's interaction a stronger sense of finality.
  • Strengthen the transition to Liz's breakdown outside by extending the moment where she hesitates with the phone, perhaps showing her internal conflict through close-ups of her face or hands, to deepen the audience's empathy and ensure the scene's emotional arc feels complete and resonant.



Scene 29 -  Reconciliation at the Edge
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE stares at CHARLIE, struggling to maintain herself.

ELLIE
Why did you do that?!

CHARLIE
What?

ELLIE holds up the essay from before.

ELLIE
I failed.

CHARLIE
It’s. A really good essay.

The waves continue to increase in volume.
104.


ELLIE advances on CHARLIE, yelling at him, desperately trying
to keep herself together.

ELLIE
Are you just trying to screw me
over one last time? I don’t care
that you’re dying, I don’t care
about you! Do you want me to fail
out of high school, is that why you
did this?

CHARLIE
I didn’t. Write it.

ELLIE
This is the essay you gave me
yesterday.

CHARLIE
You didn’t. Read it.

ELLIE
I don’t need to read it--!

CHARLIE
Read it.

Pause. Finally ELLIE flips the cover page on the essay and
reads the opening.

She recognizes it immediately.

ELLIE
This is... I know what this is.

CHARLIE smiles at her.

CHARLIE
I knew you would. You never.
Forget anything.

ELLIE looks at him.

ELLIE
I wrote this.
(pause)
I wrote this in eighth grade for
English, why do you--?

CHARLIE
And I felt saddest of all. When I
read the boring chapters. That
were only descriptions of whales.
Because I knew.
(MORE)
105.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
That the author was just trying to
save us. From his own sad story.
Just for a little while.

Pause.

ELLIE
Why do you have this?

CHARLIE
Your mother. She sent it to me.
Four years ago. I wanted to know
how you were doing in school. So
she sent it. And it’s the best
essay. I’ve ever read.

ELLIE is struggling to hold on to her anger, she looks away
from CHARLIE.

ELLIE
Why are you fucking with me like
this?

CHARLIE
I’m not.
(pause)
You’re so beautiful. Ellie, you’re
beautiful.

ELLIE
Stop.

CHARLIE
You’re amazing. This essay. Is
amazing. This essay. Is you.

ELLIE
Stop saying that.

CHARLIE
This essay. Is you.

ELLIE
Stop saying that!

CHARLIE
You’re the best thing. I’ve ever
done.

CHARLIE has a severe pain in his chest, he doubles over.
ELLIE is frantic, doesn’t know what to do. She moves a
little closer to him.
106.


ELLIE
What’s the matter?!

CHARLIE
Ellie.

ELLIE
I can’t be here right now, I have
to go, I can’t--

CHARLIE
You’re perfect. You’ll be happy.
You’ll care for people.

ELLIE
The ambulance is coming, they’ll
help you.

CHARLIE
No. They won’t.

Pause.

ELLIE
You’re going to the hospital.

CHARLIE
No.

ELLIE
You just need surgery or something!

CHARLIE
Read it to me.

ELLIE
What?!

CHARLIE
If you want to help. Read it to
me. You can help me. If you read
it.

ELLIE is holding back tears at this point.

ELLIE
You asshole. You fat fucking
asshole!

CHARLIE
You’ll help. If you read it.

ELLIE
Fuck you.
107.


CHARLIE
Please.

ELLIE
Fuck you!

CHARLIE
Ellie.

ELLIE can no longer hold her emotions back, she nearly
collapses into tears.

ELLIE
Dad, please.

ELLIE looks at CHARLIE, pleading. ELLIE and CHARLIE are in
almost the same position as they were at the end of their
first scene together. The sound of waves continues to grow
louder and louder.

ELLIE looks at the essay. She begins to read, fighting back
tears.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
(reading)
“In the amazing book Moby Dick by
the author Herman Melville, the
author recounts his story of being
at sea. In the first part of his
book, the author, calling himself
Ishmael, is in a small sea-side
town and he is sharing a bed with a
man named Queequeg.”

CHARLIE looks at ELLIE with joy, listening to her read. He
reaches up and takes the oxygen tube out of his nose. ELLIE
continues to read.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“The author and Queequeg go to
church and later set out on a ship
captained by the pirate named Ahab,
who is missing a leg, and very much
wants to kill the whale which is
named Moby Dick, and which is
white.”

CHARLIE braces himself on the wheelchair.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“In the course of the book, the
pirate Ahab encounters many
hardships.
(MORE)
108.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
His entire life is set around
trying to kill a certain whale.”

Wheezing heavily and with a huge amount of effort and pain,
CHARLIE manages to stand up.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“I think this is sad because this
whale doesn’t have any emotions,
and doesn’t know how bad Ahab wants
to kill him.”

CHARLIE, staring at ELLIE, manages to take one step toward
ELLIE. His breathing becomes quicker. The waves increase in
volume.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“He’s just a poor big animal. And
I feel bad for Ahab as well,
because he thinks that his life
will be better if he can kill this
whale, but in reality it won’t help
him at all.”

CHARLIE takes another step. His breathing is more and more
rapid.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“I was very saddened by this book,
and I felt many emotions for the
characters.”

CHARLIE takes another step.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“And I felt saddest of all when I
read the boring chapters that were
only descriptions of whales,
because I knew that the author was
just trying to save us from his own
sad story, just for a little
while.”

CHARLIE takes one last step toward ELLIE, his eyes on hers
the entire time. The waves reach their loudest level.

For the first time, ELLIE smiles at CHARLIE.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
“This book made me think about my
own life, and then it made me feel
glad for my--”

CHARLIE looks up. The waves cut off.
109.


A sharp intake of breath.

BLACK.

A long silence. Then:

END CREDITS
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the final scene, Ellie confronts Charlie about an essay she believes he submitted, leading to her anger and accusations. Charlie reveals that the essay is actually one Ellie wrote in eighth grade, which he cherishes. As tensions rise, Charlie experiences severe pain but asks Ellie to read the essay aloud. Initially resistant, Ellie begins to read, and a moment of connection unfolds as Charlie struggles to stand and walk toward her. The scene culminates in a poignant moment of reconciliation before Charlie's implied death, marked by the sound of waves and a cut to black.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Raw honesty in dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful in its emotional impact, character development, and thematic exploration. It effectively conveys the complex dynamics between the characters and sets the stage for significant revelations and potential reconciliation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revealing hidden truths and exploring complex family relationships is executed with depth and sensitivity. The scene effectively explores themes of honesty, forgiveness, and the complexities of parent-child relationships.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the revelation of a shared past between the characters and the emotional impact it has on their present relationship. It advances the narrative by deepening the understanding of the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of memory, forgiveness, and emotional closure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant emotional growth in the scene. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and vulnerability, adding depth to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 9

Both characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, revealing hidden truths, confronting past traumas, and expressing vulnerability. The moment of honesty and connection marks a pivotal point in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 9

Ellie's internal goal is to confront her feelings of betrayal and confusion regarding the essay and her relationship with Charlie. This reflects her deeper need for validation, understanding, and emotional closure.

External Goal: 7.5

Ellie's external goal is to understand Charlie's motives and deal with the immediate crisis of his health. This reflects the challenge she faces in reconciling her emotions with the reality of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around the characters' emotional struggles, past traumas, and conflicting desires for connection and independence. The tension is palpable and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ellie facing internal and external conflicts that challenge her beliefs, emotions, and actions. The uncertainty of Charlie's motives adds complexity and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of emotional resolution and potential reconciliation between the characters. The scene holds the promise of healing past wounds and fostering deeper connections.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of the characters, their relationships, and the underlying conflicts. It sets the stage for potential resolution and growth in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Ellie and Charlie, the unexpected revelations about the essay, and the emotional twists that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict revolves around themes of truth, memory, and emotional connection. Ellie questions the authenticity of her past experiences and struggles to reconcile them with present revelations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anger, hope, and vulnerability. The raw and honest emotions displayed by the characters resonate with the audience and create a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and inner thoughts. It drives the scene forward and enhances the exploration of the characters' relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unfolding mystery of Charlie's motives. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the characters' emotional journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension, revealing character motivations, and maintaining a sense of urgency and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay scene. The dialogue is clear, the scene directions are concise, and the pacing is well-maintained.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively and reveals character motivations gradually. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively serves as a poignant emotional climax, providing closure to the central father-daughter conflict and tying back to the film's opening with Moby Dick. This mirroring creates a strong thematic bookend, emphasizing themes of isolation, redemption, and the human need for connection, which helps the reader understand the screenplay's overall arc and Charlie's journey toward acceptance.
  • However, the dialogue feels somewhat repetitive, particularly with Charlie's insistence on phrases like 'This essay is you,' which can come across as overly didactic and less natural. This repetition might undermine the authenticity of the emotional exchange, making it feel manipulative rather than organic, and could alienate readers who expect more subtle character interactions in a dramatic finale.
  • Ellie's character arc reaches a satisfying resolution with her first smile and emotional breakdown, but the transition from hostility to vulnerability feels abrupt. Given her established antagonism throughout the script, this shift might not feel fully earned without more gradual buildup in preceding scenes, potentially leaving readers questioning the realism of her change and reducing the impact of the reconciliation.
  • The use of auditory elements, such as the increasing wave sounds, is a clever symbolic device that parallels Charlie's deteriorating health and the Moby Dick motif, enhancing the scene's atmosphere. However, it risks overwhelming the dialogue and visual focus, which could distract from key emotional moments and make the scene feel less grounded in the intimate setting of the living room.
  • Pacing is generally strong, building tension effectively through Charlie's physical struggle and Ellie's resistance, but the rapid escalation of emotions and actions might feel rushed in a film context. This could diminish the weight of the climax, as the scene jumps between confrontation, praise, pain, and reconciliation without enough breathing room, potentially making the audience's emotional investment less profound.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce repetition by incorporating more varied phrasing or integrating it with actions and silences, allowing Charlie's affirmations to feel more spontaneous and heartfelt, thus improving authenticity and emotional depth.
  • Enhance Ellie's character development by adding subtle physical cues or flashbacks in earlier scenes to foreshadow her vulnerability, ensuring her emotional shift in this scene feels more organic and earned, which would strengthen the audience's connection to her arc.
  • Adjust pacing by extending pauses during key moments, such as after Ellie recognizes the essay or when Charlie stands, to heighten tension and give weight to the emotional beats, making the scene more immersive and allowing the audience time to process the intensity.
  • Balance the symbolic audio elements, like the wave sounds, by fading them in and out more gradually or tying them directly to Charlie's perspective shots, ensuring they complement rather than overpower the dialogue and visuals for a more cohesive sensory experience.
  • Consider adding a brief visual or auditory callback to earlier scenes, such as a reference to the bird or Liz's departure, to create a smoother transition and reinforce thematic continuity, helping to ground the finale in the story's broader context and enhance overall coherence.