Scott pilgrim vs. the world

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Music, Romantic, Drama, Fantasy, Action



Summary Scott Pilgrim is a 22-year-old struggling musician who has a secret relationship with a 17-year-old high school student named Knives. After meeting a girl named Ramona in his dreams, Scott becomes obsessed with finding her, but learns he must defeat her seven evil exes before they can date. Along the way, Scott navigates his own complicated love life, learns about his past mistakes, and grows as a person. In the end, he faces off against Ramona's final evil ex, Gideon Graves, and reconciles with both Ramona and Knives. The film is a fantastical journey of self-discovery and love.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The story has a lot of potential with its unique blend of comedy, romance, and action, but the execution falls short in some areas. The pacing feels uneven, and the characters could use more development to make the audience fully invested in their journey. The fight scenes are creative and entertaining, but they tend to drag on for too long.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, the story could benefit from more focus on character development and a tighter pacing. Additionally, some of the fight scenes could be condensed to keep the audience engaged. The themes of love, jealousy, and redemption could be explored more deeply to add more emotional weight to the story. The dialogue could also be polished to make it more natural and witty.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • The witty and humorous dialogue between characters
  • Energetic music performances that advance the plot and characters
  • Strong character development
  • Effective use of humor to balance serious moments
  • Visually stunning and exciting fight scenes
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development in some scenes
  • Low conflict level and stakes in some scenes
  • Limited emotional depth and impact in some scenes
  • Slow pacing in some scenes
  • Some contrived or forced plot points
Suggestions
  • Consider ways to ramp up the conflict and stakes in some scenes
  • Look for opportunities to deepen emotional resonance and impact in some scenes
  • Consider pacing and pacing techniques to keep the story moving and engaging
  • Be mindful of contrived or forced plot points and work to make them feel organic and natural
  • Continue to focus on strong character development and effective use of humor

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Dialogue 8.2  83 Mo: 8.1 a few good men: 8.2
Pacing 8.50  73 The Wizard of oz: 8.49 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.50
Formatting 9.08  70 LA confidential - draft: 9.05 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 9.08
Originality 6.90  66 Mo: 6.86 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 6.90
Structure 8.45  65 Breaking bad, episode 306: 8.43 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.45
Internal Goal 8.13  61 Breaking Bad: 8.11 The Wolf of Wall Street: 8.13
External Goal 7.98  56 Fear and loathing in Las Vegas: 7.86 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 7.98
Characters 8.2  51 Mr Robot: 8.1 heathers : 8.2
Engagement 8.58  44 Mo: 8.57 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.58
Concept 7.7  39 Community: 7.6 get out: 7.7
Overall 8.1  30 Fear and loathing in Las Vegas: 8.0 Good Will Hunting: 8.1
Plot 7.6  19 What we do in the shadows: 7.5 Erin Brokovich: 7.6
Story Forward 7.2  17 Madmen: 7.1 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 7.2
Conflict Level 6.5  14 What we do in the shadows: 6.4 the pursuit of happyness: 6.5
Character Changes 5.1  14 Arsenic and old lace : 5.0 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 5.1
High Stakes 5.7  12 Midnight cowboy: 5.6 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 5.7
Emotional Impact 6.2  7 Community: 5.9 There's something about Mary: 6.2



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 Scott's Little Secret "Light-hearted" 8 7 66 9 387402504 988109
2 Introducing Knives Chau "Light-hearted" 8 8 73 8 388304705 86898
3 Band Rehearsal with Knives Chau "Light-hearted, playful" 8 7 70 8 400603506 90000
4 Scott's confession to Wallace "light-hearted" 8 9 77 9 489403503 109889
5 A Day Out with Knives Chau "Light" 7 8 65 7 287302404 879109
6 Dream Sequence and Morning After "Whimsical" 8 7 77 9 487504706 88798
7 Library and Party "Light-hearted" 8 7 85 8 289403703 778109
8 Scott Learns about Ramona "Humorous" 8 8 76 9 486605706 98989
9 Scott Tells Wallace About His Dream Girl and Receives an Important Email "Humorous" 7 8 79 7 287605605 89987
10 The Battle is On "Light-hearted" 8 7 87 7 499507806 8101098
11 Dreams and Desires "Light-hearted" 8 9 77 8 388502706 88899
12 Snowy Date with Ramona "light-hearted" 9 8 86 9 687605707 108798
13 Tea and Blankets "Whimsical, Fantastical" 9 8 78 9 797506709 108998
14 Ramona's Number "Light-hearted" 7 7 89 7 488504706 89998
15 Crash and The Boys' Gig "Energetic" 8 8 76 8 487606805 799109
16 Sex Bob-Omb vs. Matthew Patel "Humorous and adventurous" 8 7 87 7 488907805 99989
17 Defeating the Exes "Lighthearted" 9 8 97 10 687506806 997109
18 Ramona's Ultimatum "lighthearted" 8 7 88 9 6109605806 998108
19 Breaking Up is Hard to Do "Awkward" 8 7 98 8 789706808 89998
20 Breakup and Introduction "Lighthearted" 8 7 76 8 298502504 788109
21 Garlic Bread and Haircuts "Whimsical" 8 7 86 9 687505706 89798
22 The Magical Castle "quirky, upbeat" 8 7 70 8 300302605 90000
23 Lucas Lee's Movie Set "Humorous, adventurous, and romantic" 9 8 97 9 6991009807 89898
24 Breakup Reflections "humorous, awkward" 8 7 86 8 389604605 9991010
25 Mystery Attacker "Frantic" 8 7 88 8 689907807 89998
26 Envy and Julie "whimsical" 8 7 76 9 589604706 1098109
27 Moving On and Opening Up for Business "Light-hearted, with a touch of sadness" 8 7 76 9 687606708 88897
28 Knives plots to win back Scott "Awkward" 7 7 67 8 589804706 789109
29 The Clash at Demonhead Concert "Anxious" 8 7 89 8 698808807 88999
30 Showdown at Lee's Palace "Humorous and intense" 9 8 97 9 78810010908 89989
31 Vegan Police "Humorous and intense" 10 8 109 9 77810091008 88899
32 Pizza and Parties "Bittersweet" 8 7 64 9 465402506 87998
33 untitled null 0 0 05 0 077000000 09988
34 Battle of the Bands "tense, but comedic" 8 8 77 7 389907705 89998
35 Battle of the Bands "Energetic" 9 8 99 8 68910010907 710989
36 Scott's Heartbreak "Humorous" 8 9 89 8 798909908 910988
37 The Aftermath "Tense" 8 7 87 8 798607709 999108
38 The Final Battle "Tense" 7 8 76 8 7789010807 799108
39 The Final Showdown "Action-packed, dramatic" 9 9 89 8 98910010908 79998
40 Ramona's Confession "Humorous, with a touch of sadness" 8 8 79 9 789607807 810998
41 Scott breaks the wall "Tense" 7 8 87 7 789909805 69889
42 The Ultimate Showdown! "Light-hearted" 8 9 80 7 700909807 70000
43 Redemption and Reconciliation "Hopeful" 9 9 106 9 998403809 88899


Scene 1 - Scott's Little Secret
1.




1 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 1

Snowy suburbs of Toronto. From a nondescript house we hear:

KIM PINE (V.O.)
Scott Pilgrim is dating a high
schooler?


2 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ KITCHEN - DAY 2

Four twenty-somethings lounge around a small kitchen table.

STEPHEN STILLS, 25, shaggy hair, Canadian Cowboy chic.

STEPHEN STILLS
Really? Is she hot?

KIM PINE, 22, cute, bitter, sweatshirt with a zipper.

KIM PINE
How old are you now, Scott? Like
twenty-eight?

SCOTT
I’m not playing your little games.

KIM PINE
So you’ve been out of high school
for like, 13 years and-

SCOTT (O.S.)
I’m twenty-two. Twenty-two!

STEPHEN STILLS
And you’re dating a high school
girl? Not bad, not bad.

YOUNG NEIL, 20, simple mind, layered T-shirts.

YOUNG NEIL
Like, did you guys ’do it’ yet?

SCOTT PILGRIM, 22, fresh faced and charmingly cocky with an
unruly yet adorable mop of hair.

SCOTT
2.


We have done many things. We ride
the bus. We have meaningful
conversations about how yearbook
club went and about her friends
and, um...you know...drama.

STEPHEN STILLS
Yeah, okay, have you even kissed
her?

SCOTT
We almost held hands once, but then
she got embarrassed.

KIM PINE
Well. Aren’t you pleased as punch?

STEPHEN STILLS
So, what’s her name?

SCOTT
(pleased as punch)
Knives Chau. She’s Chinese.

STEPHEN STILLS
(under his breath)
Chinese...

Young Neil pauses his Nintendo DS.

YOUNG NEIL
Wicked! How’d you meet her?

SCOTT
I believe I mentioned the bus?

Scott Pilgrim prepares to tell an amazing story:


3 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 3

KNIVES CHAU, 17, cute and innocent with clothes to match,
sits next to her mother, MOTHER CHAU, 45, demanding.

MOTHER CHAU
You are seventeen year old! Time to
get interested in boy!

KNIVES CHAU
Mom!

Knives DROPS her bag, books scattering everywhere.
3.


MOTHER CHAU
You drop book.

Knives crouches down to pick up her books, grumbling.

SCOTT (O.S.)
Hey...

Knives looks up to see the cute and gallant SCOTT PILGRIM
holding her books. TEXT appears in an on-screen box:

"SCOTT PILGRIM, 22 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME."

Stars appear in Knives’s eyes. Scott grins heroically.
Scott winks at Knives. Scott winks at the camera.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott Pilgrim tells his friends about his secret relationship with Knives Chau, a high schooler.
Strengths "The scene establishes the tone and genre of the story clearly. The dialogue is witty and entertaining, and the characters are likable and funny."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have any significant plot developments, and the conflict level and stakes are low."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situation of Scott Pilgrim dating a high schooler is somewhat unique, but the rest of the scene follows a standard format for a casual conversation among friends. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 8

Scott Pilgrim's internal goal in this scene is to impress his friends and justify his relationship with Knives Chau to them.

External Goal: 7

Scott Pilgrim's external goal in this scene is to share the story of how he met Knives Chau and impress his friends with it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters and the use of visual storytelling elements, such as on-screen text and stars in Knives's eyes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds up to Scott Pilgrim telling the story of how he met Knives Chau, with a humorous and light-hearted tone throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the standard format for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue blocks.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear sluglines and dialogue that advances the plot and character development.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear character voices and a strong sense of humor. The dialogue is snappy and engaging, and it effectively introduces the main characters and their personalities.

One potential area for improvement is in the pacing and structure of the scene. It feels a bit disjointed to have a juxtaposition between the conversation in the kitchen and the flashback on the bus. It could be more effective to focus solely on the conversation in the kitchen and reveal the details of how Scott met Knives through dialogue rather than a flashback.

Additionally, the use of on-screen text and stars could be seen as a bit gimmicky and distracting, and it doesn't quite match the tone of the rest of the scene. It might be more effective to convey Scott's charismatic nature through his actions and dialogue rather than relying on text and graphics.

Overall, this is a strong scene with clear character voices and humor, but it could benefit from some structural changes.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual description: The scene lacks visual descriptions and relies heavily on dialogue. Add descriptions that paint a clearer picture of the setting and the characters.

2. Shorten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue is repetitive and could be condensed to make the scene flow smoother.

3. Focus on character development: Use the scene to introduce the characters and establish their personalities. This will make the audience invested in them and their story.

4. Use the scene to set up future conflict: Introduce conflicts or plot points that set the stage for future scenes. This will keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.

5. Add more action: The scene is largely stationary and could benefit from more action or movement. Consider adding physical movements or gestures to the characters to help illustrate their personalities.



Scene 2 - Introducing Knives Chau
4 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ KITCHEN - DAY 4

Back in the kitchen, everyone looks at Scott...

KIM PINE
Is that seriously the end of the
story?

SCOTT
Yes. It is.

Young Neil unpauses his Nintendo DS.

STEPHEN STILLS
So when do we get to meet her?

KIM PINE
Oh please. Let it be soon.

DINGY DONG! The doorbell rings. Scott smiles broadly.

SCOTT
That’s for me.


5 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS’ HOUSE - DAY 5

An eager Knives stands outside. Scott opens the door a
crack.

SCOTT
You promise to be good?

KNIVES CHAU
Of course I’ll be good!
4.


SCOTT
No, really. Please be good.

KNIVES CHAU
Am I normally not?

Stephen Stills comes to the door and peers through.

SCOTT
Oh, hey. Knives, this is Stephen
Stills. He’s the talent.

STEPHEN STILLS
Hey.

STILLS shuts the door on a confused Knives.

STEPHEN STILLS
Is she gonna geek out on us?

SCOTT
She’ll just sit in the corner, man.

STEPHEN STILLS
I mean, I want her to geek out on
us.

SCOTT
She’ll geek. She geeks. She has the
capacity to geek.

Stephen Stills quickly opens the door and waves Knives in.

STEPHEN STILLS
You’re good.


6 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ HOUSE - DAY 6

Knives enters, looking around the rehearsal pad with awe:
Bare bulb, ratty rug, drums, guitar, bass, LAME BRAND amps.

KNIVES CHAU
Wow.

SCOTT
Knives, that’s Kim. Lemme get your
coat.

Scott throws Knives’ coat on the floor. Knives waves.

KNIVES CHAU
5.


Hi, sorry, what was your name?

KIM PINE (O.S.)
Kim.

KNIVES CHAU
You play the drums?

REVEAL Kim sitting behind the drumset, sticks in her hands.

KIM PINE
...yes.

KNIVES CHAU
That is so awesome.

SCOTT
Knives, that’s Young Neil.

KNIVES CHAU
Hi. What do you play?

YOUNG NEIL
Uh, wow...Zelda...Tetris...that’s
kind of a big question.

Knives stares blankly at Young Neil, who finally gets it.

YOUNG NEIL
Oh. I’m not in the band. I just
live here.

Sex Bob-Omb has geared up. Amps hum to life.

SCOTT
Let’s start with Launchpad McQuack.

STEPHEN STILLS
That’s not the actual title of the-

KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! 1-2-3-4!

Kim BASHES the kit and Sex Bob-Omb EXPLODE INTO ROCK!

GUITAR AND BASS LEADS LEAP INTO THE AIR, SPELLING OUT OUR
TITLE...

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
6.


TITLES continue over the song as the small rehearsal space
seems to GROW with the music. Stephen Stills barks
unintelligible lyrics.

Knives watches, jaw ajar. The song ends, feedback
lingering.

KNIVES CHAU
You guys...are so...amazing.


7 EXT. BUS STOP - EVENING 7

Scott bids adieu to a stunned Knives as she gets on a bus.

KNIVES CHAU
I can’t even...Sex Bob-Omb.
Amazing.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Music"]

Summary Scott introduces his friends to his new girlfriend, Knives Chau, and they have a band rehearsal.
Strengths "The scene introduces Knives Chau and the band, has witty dialogue, and a light-hearted tone."
Weaknesses "The premise of a 22-year-old dating a high schooler may be unsettling to some viewers, and the scene doesn't have a lot of conflict or emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is low, as it is a simple introduction to a new character.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to keep up his rockstar image and win Ramona's heart.

External Goal: 8

Scott's external goal is to let Knives be a part of the band's weekly rehearsal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character and gives some insight into the band's dynamic.

Pacing: 8

The pacing and rhythm of this scene is effective as it keeps the audience engaged and moves the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting in this scene meets the expectations of a screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene is well-formulated but unremarkable.


Critique The scene is well-written and effective in setting up the introduction of Knives to the band. The dialogue is snappy and humorous, and the character interactions are entertaining. The use of music and sound in the scene also adds to the overall tone and energy. However, it would benefit from more description of the characters’ actions and reactions to enhance the visual aspect of the scene. Additionally, it might be helpful to include more information about the characters’ motivations and subtext to deepen their relationships and add emotional complexity to the scene.
Suggestions One major suggestion for this scene would be to add more conflict or tension. Right now, everything seems to be going smoothly and everyone is getting along. There could be a disagreement or a sudden obstacle that upsets the group dynamic and puts pressure on the characters. This would make the scene more engaging for the audience and add depth to the characters. Another suggestion could be to add more character development for Knives. She seems impressed by the band, but we don't really know much about her beyond that. Maybe she could have a secret agenda or backstory that is slowly revealed throughout the scene. Additionally, adding some visual descriptions and blocking to the action would help to bring the scene to life and make it more impactful.



Scene 3 - Band Rehearsal with Knives Chau
8 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ ROOM - EVENING 8

The band and Young Neil lounge around Stephen Stills’ room.

STEPHEN STILLS
She seems nice.

SCOTT
Yeaaah.

YOUNG NEIL
She seems awesome.

SCOTT
Yeaaah.

KIM PINE
Scott, if your life had a face I
would punch it.

SCOTT
Yeaaah...wait, what?

KIM PINE
I mean, are you really happy or are
you really evil?

SCOTT
Like, do I have ulterior motives or
something? I’m offended, Kim.

STEPHEN STILLS
Wounded even?
7.


SCOTT
Hurt, Kim.

KIM PINE
You? Hurt?

Scott takes a breath, turns to Young Neil.

SCOTT
Neil, you were saying she seems
awesome.

YOUNG NEIL
Yeah, she seems awesome.

SCOTT
Yeaaaah...
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy"]

Summary Scott's friends find out about his relationship with Knives Chau during a band rehearsal and question his happiness and motives.
Strengths "Provides insight on Scott's relationships and how they're perceived by his friends. Includes playful dialogue that highlights each character's personality."
Weaknesses "Does not significantly advance the plot or characters, and the conflict is minimal."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene seems to have good pacing and dialogue, with each character having their own distinct voice. However, it lacks a clear objective or conflict, making it seem somewhat aimless. It also doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development. To improve this scene, it could benefit from incorporating a clear goal or tension between the characters to make it more engaging for the audience.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and captures the tone and humor of the film. However, here are some suggestions to make it even better:

1. Add more character development: While the banter between the characters is entertaining, it would be even better if we learned more about their personalities and motivations. Consider adding some dialogue or actions that reveal new information about the characters, such as Stephen Stills' insecurities about his music or Kim Pine's past experiences with Scott.

2. Add more visual description: To help bring the scene to life, consider adding more visual description of the characters and their surroundings. This could include details about the room they are in, the clothes they are wearing, and any other physical cues that help us understand their emotions and reactions.

3. Add a twist or tension: While the scene is funny, it could benefit from some additional tension or surprise. Consider adding a twist or unexpected turn that adds stakes or conflict to the conversation. For example, maybe one of the characters reveals a secret that creates tension in the group.

4. Consider pacing: While the rhythm of the scene is good, consider tweaking the pacing to add more variety. This could include adding a quicker exchange of dialogue at one point, or adding a pause or beat to allow a joke to land. Experiment with different pacing options to find the one that works best for the scene.



Scene 4 - Scott's confession to Wallace
9 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - EVENING 9

Scott hangs his coat up in a tiny, one room apartment. He
turns to WALLACE WELLS, dark hair, arched eyebrow,
disloyal.

"WALLACE WELLS, ROOMMATE, 24 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: HE IS
GAY!"

SCOTT
Before you hear some dirty lies
from someone else, yes, I’m dating
a 17 year old.

Wallace looks up from the NOW magazine he’s reading.

WALLACE
Is he cute?

SCOTT
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

WALLACE
Does this mean we have to stop
sleeping together?

SCOTT
Do you see another bed in here?

TINY BOXES OF TEXT indicate the ownership of the items in
the one room flat: 95% belongs to Wallace, FUTON included.

WALLACE
8.


Yeah. You’re totally my bitch
forever.

SCOTT
So. The whole seventeen year old
thing. Don’t tell too many people.

WALLACE
Hey, you know me.

SCOTT
I mean. Don’t tell my sister.

WALLACE
You know me.

Wallace tosses the NOW magazine aside, starts texting.

SCOTT
Who are you texting?

RINGY RING. The phone goes. Scott picks up.

STACEY (O.S.)
Seventeen years old? Scandal!

Intercut with STACEY PILGRIM, cute, peppy barista, gabbing
on her cellphone in THE SECOND CUP. A sign behind her reads
’If you are using your cellphone, you will not be served’.

"STACEY PILGRIM, YOUNGER SISTER, 19, RATING: ’T’ FOR TEEN."

SCOTT
That’s not true. Who told you?

STACEY
Wallace. Duh.

SCOTT
That gossipy bitch.

WALLACE (O.S.)
You know me.

Scott turns to see Wallace on a second cordless.

SCOTT
Wallace!

Wallace clicks off. Scott sinks into an armchair.

STACEY
9.


Who is this mysterious child you
date?

SCOTT
Her name is Knives. Knives Chau.

STACEY
A seventeen year old Chinese
schoolgirl? You’re ridiculous.

SCOTT
It’s a Catholic school too.

STACEY
With the uniform and everything?

SCOTT
Yeah, the whole deal.

STACEY
Oh my God, you haven’t-

SCOTT
No no no. We haven’t even held
hands. I think she hugged me once.

STACEY
Um, Scott. Why are you doing this?

SCOTT
I don’t know...it’s just nice, you
know? It’s just...simple.

STACEY
It’s been over a year since you got
dumped by she-who-will-not-be-
named.

Scott glances down at the partially obscured NOW magazine,
looking into the HOT GIRL’S EYES on the back cover album
ad.

STACEY
So, are you legitimately moving on,
or is this just you being insane?

Scott looks at a strip of photobooth pictures: he smiles
next to a hot redhead in happier times.

SCOTT
Can I get back to you on that?

A SCHOOL BELL clangs loudly...
10.
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Scott admits to Wallace that he's dating a 17-year-old and is met with questions about his motives and their sleeping arrangement. Stacey calls and teases Scott about the scandalous news.
Strengths "Witty and humorous dialogue between characters. Establishes relationships between characters and sets up potential conflicts."
Weaknesses "Dialogue-heavy scene without much action or significant plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there is no groundbreaking plot development, the use of humor and playful visuals adds a fresh perspective to the genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue makes them relatable and dimensional.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find simplicity and comfort in his dating life after a difficult breakup. He desires a relationship that brings him happiness with no complications.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ask his friend to keep the relationship he has with a 17-year-old girl secret from his sister. The protagonist wants to avoid his sister discovering his relationship, and he believes that his friend can help him keep it under wraps.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

No philosophical conflict is evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 3

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of its playful and humorous tone and relatable characters. The witty banter between the characters and the use of visual cues makes the scene visually appealing and entertaining.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the dialogue and action brisk and dynamic, with no lagging or unnecessary exposition.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action/description paragraphs.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action and dialogue cues and a distinct setting. The scene flows logically and coherently.


Critique Overall, this scene does a great job of establishing the relationship between Scott and Wallace and setting up Scott’s love interest with Knives. The dialogue is witty and conversational, giving the scene a realistic feel. The use of on-screen text to indicate ownership of the items in the room adds an extra layer of humor to the scene. However, the scene may benefit from more visual cues to break up the dialogue and add movement to the scene. Additionally, some of the dialogue, particularly between Scott and Stacey, feels a bit on-the-nose in terms of explaining Scott’s motivation for dating a younger girl. Adding some subtext to their conversation could make it feel less exposition-heavy. Overall, though, this is a well-written and entertaining scene.
Suggestions Firstly, I would suggest trimming down some of the dialogue to make it more concise and to the point. This will help the scene move at a faster pace and keep the audience engaged.

Secondly, adding some physical action or movements would add more visual interest to the scene. For example, Scott could be unpacking something while he speaks to Wallace, or Wallace could be doing something else while he reads his magazine.

Lastly, incorporating some subtext or underlying emotions could add depth to the scene. For instance, Scott could be using his relationship with Knives as a way to avoid dealing with his past heartbreak, and this could be hinted at through his dialogue or actions. Overall, finding ways to add more layers to the scene will make it more compelling for audiences to watch.



Scene 5 - A Day Out with Knives Chau
10 EXT. CATHOLIC SCHOOL - DAY 10

Wallace and Scott stand outside a CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL.

Uniformed boys and girls pour out.

WALLACE
I do not want to be here. At all.

SCOTT
This school has boys too.

WALLACE
I hate you. Even I would think
twice about dating a seventeen year
old.

SCOTT
Well, she’s only allowed out when
the sun is up, so I wouldn’t call
it dating, more like...

WALLACE
Playtime?

SCOTT
That doesn’t sound so good either.

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Scott! Heyyyy!

Knives skips to Scott. Her shy friend TAMARA lingers
behind.

SCOTT
Hey Knives, this is my cool gay
roommate, Wallace Wells. He’s gay.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hi! Do you want to know who in
my class is gay?

WALLACE
Yes. Does he wear glasses?

SCOTT
Wallace, you go now! Begone!

Wallace pulls Knives close. Whispers.

WALLACE
You’re too good for him. Run.
11.


11 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 11

Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION (think a
martial arts version of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION).

They punch and kick in unison, side by side.

SCOTT
Did you know the original name of
Pac-man was Puck-man? You would
think it’s because Pac-Man looks
like a yellow hockey puck, but
actually it comes from the Japanese
phrase paku-paku which means to
flap ones mouth open and closed.
They changed it over here because
Puck-Man is too easy to vandalize.
You know, scratch out the P and
turn it into an F or whatever?

Knives flips over Scott’s back in a COMBO move.

KNIVES CHAU
Ohmigod, like...wow.

SCOTT
Yeah. Wow.

The game ends. CONTINUE appears, counting down:
10...9...8... Scott looks at Knives. She digs for quarters.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I got it!


12 EXT. "PIZZA PIZZA" - DAY 12

Scott and Knives leave a pizza joint, slices in hand.

KNIVES CHAU
Tamara is into this Korean guy,
Bobby, but everyone thinks Bobby
has a crush on Mina.

SCOTT
I thought Derek and Tamara had a
mutual like-each-other thing going,
what happened?


13 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY 13

Scott and Knives shop for T-shirts. Hangers click in time.
12.


KNIVES CHAU
I don’t listen to much music. I
know a lot of kids who play piano
or whatever, but you guys ROCK.

SCOTT
I knew I personally rocked, but I
never suspected that we rocked as a
unit. Thank you, Knives.


14 INT. SONIC BOOM (RECORD STORE) - DAY 14

Scott and Knives flip through records in perfect sync.

KNIVES CHAU
I mean, you guys are gonna be HUGE.

SCOTT
Well, we’re already pretty big. But
it might be cool if cool people
wore our T-shirt.

Knives speaks to a female clerk, surly with tats and specs:
"JULIE, 22, STILLS’ GIRLFRIEND, RATING: WHAT IS HER
PROBLEM?"

KNIVES CHAU
Excuse me, do you have anything by
’The Clash At Demonhead’?

JULIE
Have you tried the section marked
’The Clash At Demonhead’?

SCOTT
Thank you, Julie.

JULIE
Are you coming to my party Friday
or will you be busy babysitting?

SCOTT
Thank you, Julie.
(to Knives)
You don’t want to listen to her.
And you definitely don’t want to
listen to them.

Scott puts The Clash at Demonhead CD back in the rack.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I heart them so much.
13.


SCOTT
I hearted them too until they
signed to a major label and the

SCOTT
singer turned into a total bitch
and ruined my life. But that’s just
me.

KNIVES CHAU
(oblivious)
Envy Adams is sooo cool. Do you
read her blog?

SCOTT
Sorry, you were saying about me?
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott and Knives spend a day together and bond over music.
Strengths "The banter between Scott and Knives is light and humorous, and their shared passion for music is endearing."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't introduce any major plot developments or conflict, and the focus is solely on Scott and Knives' day out."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 5

The scene is not particularly unique, as it follows the typical structure of a high school romance. However, the characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to impress Knives and to maintain his cool image in front of her.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal is to spend time with Knives and keep her interested.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 4

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because the characters' dialogue and actions feel natural and relatable.

Pacing: 9

The pacing feels natural and allows the characters' dialogue and actions to flow seamlessly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear character introductions, dialogue centered on the page, and proper scene headings.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre with clear location transitions and focused dialogue.


Critique Overall, this scene seems to be setting up the relationship between Scott and Knives, giving some insight into their personalities and interests. However, there are some issues with the dialogue that could be improved upon to make the scene feel more natural and realistic.

Firstly, some of the dialogue feels a bit forced and overly expository, like when Scott explains the history of Pac-Man. While it's good to provide information to the audience, it should also feel like a natural conversation between the characters.

Secondly, some of the jokes and insults, such as Wallace's comment about dating a 17-year-old, may come across as insensitive to some viewers. It's important to be mindful of how jokes could be perceived by different audiences.

Lastly, the scene could benefit from more visual description and action to break up the dialogue and make it more engaging to watch. For example, instead of simply describing Scott and Knives playing a game, we could see them actually playing and reacting to each other's moves.

Overall, while the scene has potential, there is room for improvement in the dialogue and visual storytelling.
Suggestions Overall, this scene establishes the dynamic between Scott, Wallace, and Knives, as well as Scott's love for music. However, here are some suggestions to make it stronger:

- Make Wallace's comment about the gay student wearing glasses more specific or relevant to the plot. As it stands now, it feels like a throwaway joke that doesn't add much.
- Consider adding more obstacles or conflict to the scene, such as Scott and Knives getting into an argument or encountering some opposition from other characters. This would raise the stakes and make the scene more engaging.
- Add more sensory details to bring the setting to life. Instead of just describing the locations as "Catholic school," "arcade," "pizza place," etc., include specifics like sights, smells, and sounds to make them more memorable.
- Introducing Envy Adams as a character at the end of the scene feels like a bit of an info-dump. Consider foreshadowing her presence earlier in the scene so the audience is more prepared for her appearance. For example, maybe Scott mentions her blog or a poster advertising her band is visible in the background.



Scene 6 - Dream Sequence and Morning After
15 EXT. SNOWY TORONTO STREET - DAY 15

Scott and Knives amble down a snow covered sidewalk.

KNIVES CHAU
I mean, I’ve...I’ve never gone out
with someone so talented.

SCOTT
You go out with a lot of guys?

KNIVES CHAU
...no.

SCOTT
Yeah, so whatever, man!

KNIVES CHAU
I’ve never even kissed a guy.

Knives blushes and looks at the ground. Scott hugs her.

SCOTT
Me neither.


16 EXT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - DAY 16

Scott and Knives walk up to the front of Wallace’s
apartment.

KNIVES CHAU
So this is your secret lair? Can I
come in?
14.


SCOTT
My secret lair is one of those ’no
girls allowed’ deals.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, okay.

SCOTT
But do you want to see the house
where I grew up?

KNIVES CHAU
Sure.

They literally walk across the street to a small house.

SCOTT
Here you go.

KNIVES CHAU
Wow.

SCOTT
Yeah. Wow.

Wind blows. The light snowfall turns into sand...


17 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - HOTTEST DAY 17

...Scott wanders alone through a barren land. He falls to
his knees next to a lonely cactus.

SCOTT
Oh God...so...so alone.

A MYSTERIOUS GIRL rollerblades across the shifting sands.

She wears fishnets, an army jacket, skirt and goggles. Her
pink hair is funky but cool. She is hotter than the desert
sun.

MYSTERIOUS GIRL
You’re not alone. You’re just
having some idiotic dream.

SCOTT
Does that mean we can make out? But
she’s gone...

INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - ?
15.


...SCOTT WAKES UP, sitting up in the FUTON.

SCOTT
Oh God...

Wallace wakes up to the left of Scott, rubbing his eyes.

WALLACE
What is it, Scott?

SCOTT
I had this totally weird dream.

OTHER VOICE
Oh God.

WALLACE
What is it, Scott?

A scruffy, goateed guy wakes right between Scott and
Wallace:

"OTHER SCOTT, 22, WALLACE’S BOYFRIEND? FUN FACT: GUY
CURIOUS"

OTHER SCOTT
Can we skip the dreamtime? Color me
not interested.

SCOTT
But there was this girl...

WALLACE
Girl?

OTHER SCOTT
Was this an Envy related dream?

WALLACE
We don’t use the E-word in this
house.

SCOTT
No, it wasn’t her. It was somebody
new...

OTHER SCOTT
Yay for that.

Other Scott goes back to sleep. Wallace rubs his eyes.

WALLACE
16.


Speaking of new, weren’t you
supposed to take your fake high
school girlfriend to the library a
half-hour ago?

SCOTT
What? It’s like, six in the
morning.

Scott opens the bathroom door. Sunlight ignites the room.

SCOTT
Arrrrgh!
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Fantasy"]

Summary Scott and Knives spend time together, and Scott takes her to the house where he grew up. Scott then has a dream sequence in the desert where he meets a mysterious girl. Scott wakes up in Wallace's apartment and is teased about his relationship with Knives Chau.
Strengths "The dream sequence adds an element of whimsy to the story. The dialogue is witty and on point."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't move the plot forward significantly. The conflict is relatively low."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The use of dreamlike sequences and quirky dialogue add a unique twist to the romantic comedy genre


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

To feel a genuine connection with someone

External Goal: 7

To show Knives his childhood home


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The conflict between Scott's desire for a genuine connection and his tendency to be emotionally closed off


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

The quirky characters and dreamlike sequences keep the audience engaged

Pacing: 7

The pacing is effective in building up to the dream sequence and creating a shift in tone


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy genre


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene by saying that it feels fragmented and disconnected. There are three different locations and shifts in tone that don't flow seamlessly. The dialogue also feels unnatural and forced. The interactions between the characters don't feel authentic or realistic. The dream sequence also feels out of place and doesn't add much to the story. Overall, the scene lacks cohesion and needs to be streamlined for better storytelling.
Suggestions Overall, the scene does a great job of establishing the relationship between Scott and Knives. However, there are a few things that could be improved:

1. Improve the pacing: The scene feels a bit slow and could benefit from some tightening up of the dialogue and action. Consider cutting down some of the unnecessary dialogue and adding more action to keep the scene moving.

2. Add more conflict: The scene lacks conflict, which can make it feel somewhat flat. Consider adding tension or obstacles for the characters to overcome to make the scene more interesting.

3. Increase the visual interest: The scene mostly consists of characters walking down a snowy street. Consider adding more visual interest with camera angles, unique locations, or interesting costumes or props for the characters.

4. Develop characters further: While the scene establishes the basic dynamics between Scott and Knives, there is room for further character development. Consider adding more backstory or depth to the characters to make them more interesting and fully fleshed out.



Scene 7 - Library and Party
18 INT. THE LIBRARY - DAY 18

KNIVES CHAU
What’s wrong?

Scott is noticeably taller than all the teens in the
library. He carries a stack of books for Knives.

SCOTT
Libraries remind me of grade
school.

KNIVES CHAU
That must seem like a reeeeally
long time ago.

SCOTT
Uh. Let’s talk about something
else.

The hiss of ball bearings catches Scott’s attention. He
freezes as he sees THE ROLLERBLADING GIRL FROM HIS DREAM
skating towards the desk in SEXALICIOUS SLOW MOTION.

KNIVES CHAU
Do you know that girl?

The Rollerblading Girl delivers a package from AMAZON.CA to
the librarian. Scott’s gaze follows the GIRL as she blades
out of the library. Pensive guitar underscores his
thoughts.

KNIVES CHAU
Scott?

Scott continues to stare at the girl. Time slows to a
crawl.
17.


STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
SCOTT!


19 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ HOUSE - EVENING 19

Scott stands in the rehearsal room, head still in the
clouds.

STEPHEN STILLS
You only played one note for that
entire song.

SCOTT
It was...uh...my hand slipped.

KIM PINE
Is your girlfriend distracting you?

SCOTT
My girlfriend?

A meek Knives sits next to Young Neil on the couch.

KNIVES CHAU
I’ll... I’ll be quieter.

STEPHEN STILLS
Let’s do that one again.

SCOTT
Sorry, what are we doing?


20 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT 20

STEPHEN STILLS
I told you like fifty times!

Scott, Kim Pine, Stephen Stills and Young Neil walk down an
icy Toronto street. Scott’s head is still in the clouds.

KIM PINE
We’re going to this party, retard.

SCOTT
Party?

YOUNG NEIL
At Julie’s.

SCOTT
18.


Ugh. I thought you guys split.

STEPHEN STILLS
We did. But, you know, there may be
some label guys there, so...

SCOTT
Aw, man. This is going to suck.

KIM PINE
At least it will give us something
to complain about.

SCOTT
Awww maaan...


21 INT. JULIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT 21

A bored Scott stands next to Young Neil in a very crowded
house party. Both have red plastic cups in hand.

SCOTT
...this sucks.

YOUNG NEIL
Sucks.

SCOTT
I’m going to go pee due to boredom.

Scott exits frame.

YOUNG NEIL
I have to pee.

Neil sips his drink.

Scott passes by COMEAU, a bespectacled hipster geek:
’COMEAU, 25, FUN FACT: KNOWS EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU)’

SCOTT
Hey Comeau.

COMEAU
Hey Scott. Some party huh? You
gettin’ your drink on?

SCOTT
This is Coke Zero. I don’t drink.

COMEAU
19.


You don’t drink? I remember you
getting ridiculously drunk off two
G&T’s one time and-

SCOTT
(quickly)
Comeau, you know everyone, right?

COMEAU
Pretty much.

SCOTT
Do you know this one girl with hair
like this?

Scott sketches an incomprehensible drawing of Ramona.

COMEAU
Yeah man. Ramona Flowers. Someone
said she was coming tonight
actually.

SCOTT
WHAT?

COMEAU
You got the hots for her? I hear
she’s hardcore...

Scott has already left a Scott-shaped dust cloud...
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott and Knives go to the library, where Scott sees a girl from his dream. He's distracted during a band rehearsal, where his friends tease him about his girlfriend. They later go to a party and run into a hipster friend who tells Scott that Ramona, the girl from his dream, will be at the party.
Strengths "The scene establishes Scott's attraction to Ramona Flowers and introduces conflict with Knives. It also sets up the plotline for the upcoming party scene."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict and emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 5

There is nothing particularly unique about the situations or characters in this scene, aside from the dream imagery. However, the authentic dialogue and attention to character motivations keep the scene fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to figure out how to pursue his interest in the Rollerblading Girl from his dream without upsetting Knives, who he's currently dating.

External Goal: 9

Scott's external goal is to attend the party and potentially impress some label guys who are rumored to be there.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 3

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging because of the tension between Scott's desire to pursue Ramona and his fear of upsetting Knives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, but could have been tightened in some areas to improve overall pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene is excellent, with no errors or formatting issues present.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action description.


Critique
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more action to the scene to create a sense of urgency or anticipation. Right now, the characters are simply talking and observing without much purpose.

2. Add more descriptive language to enhance the setting and characters. For example, give more details about the library and the rollerblading girl.

3. Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Some of the lines, particularly the exchange between Scott and Knives, feel forced and unnatural.

4. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging and dynamic.

5. Use camera angles and blocking to create visual interest and variety in the scene. Right now, the characters are mostly static and not doing much physically.



Scene 8 - Scott Learns about Ramona
22 INT. JULIE’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 22

Scott scans the party. His eyes go WIDE. He CRUSHES his
plastic cup. There she is...playing the wall...RAMONA!

Aloof. Enigmatic. Hot. Scott sidles up and stands next to
her.

SCOTT
Hey, what’s up?

RAMONA
Nothing.

SCOTT
Hey, you know Pacman?

RAMONA
I know of him.

Scott begins to babble.
20.


SCOTT
Well you know Pac-Man was
originally Puckman but not because
Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck
and paku-paku-paku means flapping
your mouth and they changed it
because if you scratch out the "P"
and turn it into an "F"? You know?
Like...

RAMONA
Yeah that’s amazing.

SCOTT
Um...am I dreaming?

Ramona looks at Scott blankly. He slowly skulks away.

SCOTT
I’ll leave you alone forever now.


23 "THEN HE STALKED HER FOR THE REST OF THE PARTY..." 23

Series of quick shots as Scott follows Ramona. He ducks
around corners, spies from behind a much bigger dude.
Ramona leaves the party. Scott grabs a startled Young Neil.

SCOTT
DUDE!

YOUNG NEIL
WHA?

SCOTT
SHE’S TOTALLY REAL!

YOUNG NEIL
WHO?

SCOTT
RAMONA FLOWERS!

YOUNG NEIL
WHUH?

JUMP CUT. Scott RUNS towards Comeau.

SCOTT
DUDE. What do you know about Ramona
Flowers?!

COMEAU
21.


All I know is she’s American.

SCOTT
(exotically)
American...

COMEAU
But you should talk to Sandra and
Monique-

"SANDRA AND MONIQUE, 24, TWO GIRLS COMEAU KNOWS"

SCOTT
LADYDUDES! What do you know about
Ramona Flowers?

MONIQUE
I think she has a boyfriend.

SANDRA
Some guy back in New York.

MONIQUE
Doesn’t she have the most
ridiculous name?

SANDRA
I know. It’s so ’Ramona Quimby,
Aged 8’ and yet...Flowers.

The girls laugh. Scott does not.

SCOTT
Yeah. What else?

JUMP CUT through a FLURRY OF FACES as Scott asks everyone
about Ramona:

PARTYGOER #1
I heard she kicks all kind of ass.

PARTYGOER #2
She’s on another level.

PARTYGOER #3
She’s got men dying at her feet.

PARTYGOER #4
She’s got some battle scars.

PARTYGOER #5
Not to be entered into lightly.
22.


We end on the surly JULIE (the rude clerk) who steps in
front of Scott, arms crossed. Stephen Stills is with her.

JULIE
What about Ramona Flowers?

SCOTT
You know her? Tell me. Now.

JULIE
She just moved here. Got a job with
Amazon. Comes into my work.

SCOTT
Does she really?

STEPHEN STILLS
Didn’t you say she just broke up
with someone, Jools?

SCOTT
Did she reeally?

STEPHEN STILLS
That they had a huge fight or
whatever?

SCOTT
Did they reeeally?

JULIE
...yes. But I didn’t want Scott to
know that, Stephen.

SCOTT
Yeah, I don’t know what it is about
that girl, she just-

JULIE
Scott, I forbid you from hitting on
Ramona. Even if you haven’t had a
real girlfriend in over a year-

STEPHEN STILLS
Hey whoa, whoa. Scott’s mourning
period is officially over. He’s
totally dating a high schooler.

JULIE
Dating a high schooler is the
mourning period.

STEPHEN STILLS
23.


She’s got a point.

SCOTT
I thought you guys broke up.

JULIE
I don’t want you scaring off the
coolest girl at my party Scott. We
all know you’re a total lady killer
wannabe jerky jerk.

SCOTT
That’s garbage! Completely untrue.

JULIE
That time with Lisa-

SCOTT
Misunderstanding.

JULIE
That time with Hollie-

SCOTT
Not what it looked like!

JULIE
That time you dumped Kim for-

SCOTT
Hey, me and Kim are all good now.

SCOTT looks to KIM. We hear the sound of arctic winds.

JULIE
Whatever, Ramona is out of your
league, let’s leave it at that. And
anyway, I’m not even sure she
really did have a big breakup. She
keeps mentioning some guy named
Gideon.

SCOTT
(not listening)
Yeah, I don’t know what it is about
that girl, she just-

JULIE
Forget it Scott!!!
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott hears about a girl named Ramona from various people and becomes obsessed with finding her at a party.
Strengths "The scene sets up Scott's obsession with Ramona, which becomes a driving force of the film. It is also filled with humorous dialogue and moments."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and not much actually happens plot-wise."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The scene is not particularly unique, but the humor and use of visual cues like 'JUMP CUT' create a fresh and engaging approach to a familiar party scene trope.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal in this scene is to impress Ramona and catch her attention. This goal reflects his desire for romantic connection and validation.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal is to find out more about Ramona. This reflects the immediate challenge of getting to know someone at a party.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not necessarily a philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because of the humor and relatable social situation. The audience is invested in whether Scott will succeed in impressing Ramona.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is quick and engaging, with short shots and quick transitions between dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and action lines.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene is well-formatted and follows expected industry standards for a screenplay.


Critique The scene does a good job of establishing the character of Ramona and how she is seen by the other characters. The dialogue is snappy and moves the plot forward, but there are moments where the pacing could be improved. The series of quick cuts to different partygoers giving their opinions on Ramona feels rushed and could benefit from a slower build-up. Additionally, the scene relies quite heavily on exposition to establish Ramona's character, which could be balanced out with more visual storytelling. Overall, the scene is effective in introducing Ramona as a character and creating intrigue around her.
Suggestions My first suggestion would be to tighten up the dialogue. There is a lot of back and forth without much progression in the scene. Also, the dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from some more variety in language and tone. Additionally, the jumping between different partygoers and their opinions on Ramona could be streamlined to make the scene more focused and less scattered.

Another suggestion would be to emphasize the visual aspect of the scene. As it stands, there is very little description of the actions and movements of the characters, which could add depth and interest to the scene. For instance, showing Scott's body language and movements as he approaches Ramona could convey his nervousness and attraction more effectively than just his dialogue.

Lastly, while the dialogue and action in the scene are important, it could also benefit from more attention to the themes and character development at play. What does the scene reveal about Scott and his motivations? How does it set up conflicts or plot points that will come later in the story? By honing in on these questions, the scene can become not just functional but also meaningful and impactful.



Scene 9 - Scott Tells Wallace About His Dream Girl and Receives an Important Email
24 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 24
24.


Scott lies on the futon, WIDE awake. Wallace storms in.

WALLACE
Guess who’s druuunk?

SCOTT
I guess Wallace.

WALLACE
You guess right.

Wallace flops onto the futon, landing next to Scott.

SCOTT
So, that girl. From my dream.

WALLACE
Girl. Okay...

SCOTT
I saw her at the library...

WALLACE
Library...can I pretend we’re
talking about a guy?

SCOTT
So then I’m at this party, and hey!
There she is.

WALLACE
There he is.

SCOTT
I think she’s...

WALLACE
You think he’s...

SCOTT
I think she’s the girl of my
dreams.

WALLACE
Mmm. Then you should break up with
your fake high school girlfriend.

SCOTT
I’ve never been so sure about
something.

WALLACE
25.


Then you should break up with your
fake high school girlfriend.

SCOTT
What’s that?

WALLACE
Break...up...fake...high
school...girlfriend...

SCOTT
I’m not getting it, friend.

Wallace drifts off. RINGY RING! Scott answers. INTERCUT
with STACEY sitting on a bus on her cellphone.

STACEY
You’re thinking of juggling two
chicks!?

SCOTT
Not even!

STACEY
Well, you should break up with your
fake high school girlfriend.

SCOTT
Wait. Who told you?

STACEY
Duh. Wallace.

SCOTT
He’s not even conscious!

STACEY
Whatever. You of all people should
know how sucky it is to get cheated
on.

SCOTT
Don’t you have a job to do?

STACEY
You’re right. I should send out a
mass text about this. Bye.

Scott looks to Wallace, who is out cold, cellphone in hand.

SCOTT
Wallace, how do you do that?
26.


HARD CUT to MORNING LIGHT filling the room!

SCOTT (O.S.)
WALLACE!

Wallace sits bolt upright. Scott sits at Wallace’s
computer.

SCOTT
Amazon.ca. What’s the website for
that?

WALLACE
...Amazon.ca.

SCOTT
Awesome! I have to order something
reeeally cool.

COMPUTER
"You’ve got mail!"

SCOTT
Dude! This thing claims I have
mail!

WALLACE
It’s amazing what they can do with
computers these days.

SCOTT
Dude! Now I’m reading it!

WALLACE
I’m so happy for you.

SCOTT
"Dear Mr. Pilgrim, It has come to
my attention that we will be
fighting soon. My name is Matthew
Patel, and I’m" blah blah "fair
warning" blah blah...hmm. This
is...this is...THIS IS...!!!

WALLACE
WHAT?!

SCOTT
This is boring. Delete!

’CLICK.’ Scott walks to the front door. Moments pass.

WALLACE
27.


Scott. Are you waiting for the
package you just ordered?

SCOTT
Maybe.

WALLACE
It’s the weekend. It won’t ship
until Monday at the earliest.

DINGY DONG. Scott JUMPS to his feet.

SCOTT
You were saying?

Scott opens the door. It’s KNIVES CHAU!

SCOTT
Heyyy...

KNIVES CHAU
Attack hug!

Knives smothers Scott.

SCOTT
Attack hug. That’s cute.

He plasters on his best fake smile.

KNIVES CHAU
Remember you were supposed to meet
me at the bus stop a half-hour ago?

SCOTT
How could I possibly forget?
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Fantasy"]

Summary Scott tells Wallace about seeing the girl from his dreams at the library, and becomes obsessed with finding her. He receives an email warning about a fight with a guy named Matthew Patel, but finds it boring and deletes it. Knives Chau arrives and reminds Scott that he was supposed to meet her earlier.
Strengths "Humorous dialogue, establishes conflict, sets up stakes for upcoming fight"
Weaknesses "Limited character development, slow pacing"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 9

The scene feels fresh and original, particularly in its balance between surreal elements (the dream girl, the letter from Matthew Patel) and mundane ones (ordering from Amazon, Scott's relationship drama). The dialogue feels authentic to the characters' personalities and age group.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal in this scene is to figure out what he wants in his life, particularly regarding his love life. He's been having dreams about a girl and is now trying to reconcile these feelings with his current relationship.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal in this scene is to order something cool from Amazon, which he does.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 2

There isn't much of a philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because it is funny and keeps the audience invested in Scott's romantic and personal struggles.

Pacing: 9

The scene's quick pacing and snappy dialogue keep the audience engaged and invested in what's happening onscreen.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy comedic scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 7

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy comedic scene in a screenplay.


Critique Overall, the scene lacks a clear objective or conflict. It jumps from topic to topic without much purpose or direction. There could be clearer motivations for the characters and a stronger central conflict driving the scene. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, and the scene could benefit from more visually interesting descriptions and actions.
Suggestions Here are some possible suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Give more context to the characters and their relationships. It's not clear who Wallace is and why he's important to Scott. It's also not clear why Scott has a fake high school girlfriend and why he's considering breaking up with her for a girl he saw in a dream and at the library.

2. Make the dialogue more natural and compelling. The conversation between Scott and Wallace feels stiff and disjointed. There's also a lot of repetition, with both characters telling Scott to break up with his fake high school girlfriend. The conversation between Scott and Stacey is more interesting, but it's also brief and lacks depth.

3. Increase the tension and conflict. The scene is mostly mundane and lacks a clear goal or obstacle for Scott to overcome. The message from Matthew Patel could be a potential source of conflict, but Scott dismisses it as boring and deletes it without much thought or concern. Knives Chau's arrival at the end is a bit random and doesn't add much to the scene.

4. Use visual and sensory details to enhance the scene. As a screenwriting format, it's important to show the audience what they're seeing and hearing. The scene description could benefit from more vivid descriptions of the setting, the characters' actions and expressions, and any sounds or music that might be playing in the background. These details can help bring the scene to life and make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 10 - The Battle is On
25 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 25

Scott and Knives flip through the record bins, out of sync.

KNIVES CHAU
Yearbook club is getting SO boring.
I cannot believe the music they put
on while we work.

SCOTT
That’s sucky.


26 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY 26
28.


Knives buys a hip and trendy jacket. Scott sits on a couch
next to the DO NOT SIT sign, still distracted.

KNIVES CHAU
Hannah broke up with Alan and now
she’s all into Derek...

SCOTT
Uh huh.


27 EXT. PIZZA PIZZA - DAY 27

Scott and Knives walk out of a pizza joint. Knives chows
down on a slice. Scott doesn’t eat, his thoughts elsewhere.

KNIVES CHAU
...but Tamara claims she has dibs
on Derek.

SCOTT
I tell ya’.


28 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 28

Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION, side by side.

Scott plays halfheartedly, his timing off.

KNIVES CHAU
Combo!

Knives goes to flip over Scott, but he messes up. THE
MIRROR IMAGE of Scott’s videogame avatar appears on screen.

KNIVES CHAU
Uh oh, NegaNinja.

NEGANINJA - squares up against Scott’s avatar.

SCOTT
I can never get past that guy.

Scott has his little videogame head cut off. The
"CONTINUE?"

countdown comes up...10...9...8...

KNIVES CHAU
Do you want to keep going?
29.


Scott takes a long look at Knives.

SCOTT
Um, I think...I think...

Scott takes a deep breath. This is never easy. 3...2...1...


29 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ HOUSE - EVENING 29

STEPHEN STILLS
Game on, everybody. Game. On.

An excited Stills addresses Sex Bob-Omb. Scott tunes his
bass, alone by the window, staring out.

STEPHEN STILLS
I got us a show.

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
OH MY GOSH WHEN?!

Knives BURSTS into frame. Scott winces.

STEPHEN STILLS
Wednesday, The Rockit. And even
better? It’s the T.I.B.B.

KNIVES CHAU
The Toronto International Battle of
The Bands?!

STEPHEN STILLS
S’right. This guy at work was like
"Steve, do you know anyone in a
band?" and I was like ’I’m in a
band.’ and he was like ’You’re in a
band?’ and I was like ’Yeah I’m
totally in a band’ -

KIM PINE
Great story, man.

KNIVES CHAU
Is there a prize or something?!

STEPHEN STILLS
Only a record deal with G-man
Graves!

SCOTT
What? Who?
30.


KNIVES CHAU
You don’t know?

STEPHEN STILLS
Indie Producer of the millennium?!

SCOTT
Oh.

YOUNG NEIL
Whoa.

Stills gestures to Knives’ home-made Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt.

STEPHEN STILLS
If we win...it won’t just be Knives
wearing a Sex Bob-Omb shirt. It’ll
be the cool kids too.

Knives can barely contain herself. She grabs Scott.

KNIVES CHAU
I will do everything I can to get
out of study group and come.

SCOTT
Sure. Great.

We follow Scott as he walks in a daze to the bathroom.

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, who are you battling?

STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Crash and the Boys.

YOUNG NEIL (O.S.)
That one band with Crash? And those
Boys?

KIM PINE
Yeah that’s the one.

YOUNG NEIL
I hate them!

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, I hate them too!

STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Yeah, they suck.
31.


30 INT. STEPHEN STILLS’ HOUSE, BATHROOM - EVENING 30

Scott pees in a state of dreamy reverie. The PEE BAR above
his head slowly reduces. He stares at himself in the
mirror.

Scott exits the bathroom, entering...
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Music"]

Summary Scott and Knives spend time together, and Scott seems distracted. Stephen announces that they have a band gig and the prize is a record deal. The conversation turns towards their opponents at the T.I.B.B, and Scott walks away in a daze.
Strengths "The humour and lightheartedness of the scene, excitement surrounding the upcoming gig, and anticipation of the T.I.B.B competition."
Weaknesses "Lack of character development or significant emotional moments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene has a moderate level of originality. Although the situations presented are familiar, the way they are presented is fresh and adds a unique twist to the coming-of-age genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 9

Scott's internal goal is to deal with his romantic interest in Ramona while also appeasing Knives and her desire for a relationship. His internal goal reflects his deeper desire to be more mature and responsible in his relationships.

External Goal: 9

Scott's external goal is to get Sex Bob-Omb ready for their upcoming show at the Toronto International Battle of The Bands and compete against Crash and The Boys.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable characters and situational humor that is familiar to the viewer. The witty banter keeps the audience invested in the characters and their relationships.

Pacing: 10

The pacing of the scene is effective because it is fast-paced and switches between locations, which keeps the audience engaged and interested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is professional and follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with short scenes that pivot around character interactions and relationship development.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I don't possess individual perspectives nor opinions that human screenwriting experts possess. However, I can provide some general feedback and guidelines for a well-written scene.

The scene is well written, and it effectively establishes the characters, their relationships, and the upcoming plot. The dialogue feels natural and believable, adding to the realism of the scene. The use of different locations also keeps the scene from becoming monotonous.

However, although the dialogue is well-crafted, there is the possibility of it being too mundane. There is not a lot of significant action occurring within the scene, and the dialogue does not necessarily contribute to any character growth or thematic development.

Despite that, the scene is a solid example of how to establish the characters, their relationships, and the plot in an effective and efficient manner. It is crucial in introducing the upcoming conflict and setting the stage for the upcoming plot.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Establish the focus of the scene: Scene 10 jumps around from Sonic Boom to The Goodwill to Pizza Pizza to The Arcade, which can be disorienting for the audience. Consider streamlining the scene and setting it in one location to give the audience a clear understanding of where the characters are and what they are doing.

2. Improve character interaction: The dialogue between Scott and Knives can feel stilted and lacking in chemistry. Try adding more personal details or conflicts between the characters to make their interactions more engaging.

3. Increase tension: The scene lacks a clear sense of stakes or conflict. Consider raising the stakes by adding obstacles or challenges to the characters' goals. For example, maybe Scott is distracted because he's worried about his upcoming battle of the bands, or Knives faces opposition from her parents who disapprove of her attending the show.

4. Use visuals to tell the story: Scenes 25-28 rely heavily on dialogue to move the story forward, but visuals could be used to better effect. Consider using shot composition or visual cues to convey emotion or character dynamics.

5. Structure the scene for pacing: The pacing of the scene can feel sluggish and meandering. Consider breaking up the scene into smaller, more focused beats that drive the story forward and hold the audience's attention.



Scene 11 - Dreams and Desires
31 INT. DREAM HIGH SCHOOL - ? 31

...a long, empty HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY. Scott’s footsteps
echo as he moves towards a classroom door with a STAR on
it... RAMONA FLOWERS bursts through the door, skating past
Scott and down the hall, PACKAGE from AMAZON clutched in
her hand.

Scott runs after her, around a corner, down a row of
LOCKERS leading to...the outside of WALLACE’S APARTMENT???


32 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - MORNING 32

Scott LEAPS out of the futon and RUNS towards the front
door, THROWING IT OPEN and startling Ramona Flowers just as
she presses the doorbell. DINGY DONG...

SCOTT
Hi, um, I was thinking about asking
you out, but then I realized how
stupid that would be.
(beat)
So do you wanna go out sometime?

RAMONA
Um, no, that’s okay. You just have
to sign for this alright?

SCOTT
I just woke up, and you were in my
dream. I dreamt you were delivering
me this package. Is that weird?

RAMONA
It’s not weird at all.

SCOTT
It’s not?

RAMONA
32.


No, it’s just like, you’ve got this
really convenient subspace highway
running through your head that I
like to use. It’s like three miles
in fifteen seconds.

SCOTT
Right...

RAMONA
Oh yeah. I forgot you guys don’t
have that in Canada.

SCOTT
You don’t remember me do you? I met
you at the party the other day.

RAMONA
Were you the Pac-Man guy?

SCOTT
No. Not even. That was some total
ass. I was the other guy. You’re
Ramona Flowers right?

RAMONA
That’s me.

SCOTT
So, you’re like American?

RAMONA
Why, am I coming off as rude?

SCOTT
Not at all. Noooooo...

Scott stands in awe of Ramona. She gives him a pen.

RAMONA
You know...you need to sign for
this. Whatever this is?

SCOTT
It’s something really cool. You’d
be impressed.

RAMONA
You still have to sign.

SCOTT
But if I sign for it, you’ll leave.
33.


RAMONA
Yeah. That’s how it works.

SCOTT
Okay well, can we just maybe just
hang out sometime? Get to know each
other? You’re the new kid on the
block, right? I’ve lived here
forever. I mean...there are reasons
for you to hang out with me?

RAMONA
You’re all over the place.

SCOTT
You are like...my dream girl.

RAMONA
I need to find a new route.

SCOTT
Either that or you need to start
hanging out with me.

RAMONA
You want me to hang out with you?

SCOTT
Um...you know...if that’s cool.

RAMONA
If I say yes, will you sign for
your damn package?

Scott finally signs on the dotted line. And throws the
package straight in the trash.

SCOTT
Done. So, yeah. Eight o’clock?
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Fantasy"]

Summary Scott encounters Ramona from his dream and is enamored by her. He asks her out, but she's not interested unless he signs for her package from Amazon. Scott finally agrees and throws away the package.
Strengths "The witty dialogue and fantastical elements make for an entertaining scene. The introduction of Ramona adds depth to the story."
Weaknesses "There isn't much conflict or emotional weight to the scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The scene is fairly original, with fresh and creative elements such as the concept of a subspace highway and the surreal world of the high school. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable despite the fantastical setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to ask Ramona out on a date and impress her. This reflects his desire for romantic connection and validation.

External Goal: 8

Scott's external goal in this scene is to sign for the package Ramona has delivered. This reflects his need to complete his responsibilities in order to pursue his internal goal of asking her out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not an explicit philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because of the witty and fast-paced dialogue, unique setting, and relatable characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective because of the short, punchy scenes that escalate the tension and humor. The writer's voice and unique style also contribute to the scene's pacing and rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows a standard format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue format.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a standard format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue format. The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with short and punchy scenes that keep the audience engaged and interested.


Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and sets up the dynamic between Scott and Ramona well. The dialogue flows naturally and reveals bits of character traits. However, there are a few moments that could be improved.

Firstly, the transition from the dream sequence to the real world could be clearer. It's jarring for the audience to suddenly be outside of an apartment without any explanation of how they got there.

Secondly, the bit where Scott throws the package straight in the trash is confusing and doesn't add anything to the scene. It might make more sense if there was some explanation for why he does this.

Lastly, the ending where Scott asks Ramona out on a date feels slightly unrealistic given their short, unusual interaction. It would have been nice to see some kind of bonding moment between them that would make the audience more invested in the potential romance.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some tweaks and additional development of the characters and their relationship.
Suggestions - Consider cutting down the hallway and outside scene. It doesn't add much to the story and could be condensed or cut entirely.

- Add more specific details to the setting of Wallace's apartment and Dream High School to create a more vivid image for the audience.

- Consider adding more action and movement to the scene to make it more visually interesting for the audience.

- Work on tightening up the dialogue and making it more efficient. Some lines could be cut or condensed without losing the impact of the scene.

- Consider adding more character development and backstory to Scott and Ramona to make their interactions more meaningful to the overall story.



Scene 12 - Snowy Date with Ramona
33 EXT. PARK - NIGHT 33

Scott finds Ramona waiting at the top of some stairs in the
park. The Toronto skyline gleams in the night behind them.

SCOTT
Why are you just standing there?

RAMONA
Dude, I’m totally waiting on you.

SCOTT
34.


Sorry, I just assumed you were too
cool to be on time.

RAMONA
Well. You assumed wrong.

SCOTT
So what do you want to do? We could
get a slice at Pizza Pizza or flip
through some records at Sonic Boom.
Oh, or there’s this awesome game
called Ninja Ninja Revolution at-

RAMONA
I’m not into simulated violence.

SCOTT
I’m cool with whatever you want to
do.

RAMONA
This is good.

Scott and Ramona trudge through the snow in the empty park.

SCOTT
This is good. So how’d you end up
in Toronto?

RAMONA
Just needed to escape I guess.

SCOTT
Oh yeah?

RAMONA
I got this job here. And Gideon had
always said Toronto was one of the
great cities so...

SCOTT
Is Gideon...is he your boyfriend?

RAMONA
He’s...a friend.

SCOTT
Was he your boyfriend?

RAMONA
Do you mind if we don’t get into
that right now?
35.


SCOTT
It’s so not interesting to me.

They sit on some swings in the park.

RAMONA
So what about you? What do you do?

SCOTT
I’m between jobs.

RAMONA
Between what and what?

SCOTT
My last job is a long story filled
with sighs.

RAMONA
I know plenty of those.

SCOTT
Is that why you left New York?

RAMONA
Pretty much. It was time to head
somewhere a little more chilled.

SCOTT
Well, it’s certainly chilled here.

RAMONA
Yeah.

SCOTT
Uh, chilled as in cold.

RAMONA
Yeah.

SCOTT
I’m totally obsessed with you.

RAMONA
I didn’t mean to get you obsessed.

SCOTT
I just haven’t been obsessed with a
girl for a long time. It’s weird.

RAMONA
That’s probably because you sleep
with a guy.
36.


SCOTT
Um...

RAMONA
I was guessing from your apartment,
but you totally do!

SCOTT
It’s... we’re just poor! We can’t
afford two beds! We’re not gay!
Actually... no... Wallace is pretty
gay.

RAMONA
Dude, relax. I believe you. You’re
too desperate to be gay.

SCOTT
I feel so stupid.

RAMONA
Aw... you’re probably not that
stupid.

Laughing, Ramona hops off her swing.

SCOTT
I’m... mostly stupid.

RAMONA
Well, you’re definitely stupid if
you want to go out with me.

SCOTT
Exactly, yeah.

The snowfall gets heavier.

RAMONA
This is ridiculous. Isn’t it like
April?

SCOTT
Yeah. I can barely see you. This
whole thing is an unmitigated
disaster.

RAMONA
I think ’act of God’ is a pretty
decent excuse for a lousy date.

SCOTT
So this is a ’date’, eh?
37.


RAMONA
Did I say ’date’? Slip of the
tongue.

SCOTT
Tongue...

The snow gets heavier still. Ramona walks away.

RAMONA
Anyway, night’s not over yet. I
think there’s a thingy up here
somewhere.

SCOTT
A thingy?

RAMONA
A door.

SCOTT
A door? I... I... I can’t see you.
I’m blind. Help me.

A door with a STAR on it appears out of the whiteness.

Ramona opens the door. Scott and Ramona fall into
blackness...
Genres: ["romance","comedy"]

Summary Scott and Ramona go on a date but get caught in a snowstorm. They discuss their pasts and Scott confesses his obsession with Ramona. Ramona reveals that she just moved to Toronto and has a complicated relationship with someone named Gideon.
Strengths "The witty banter between Scott and Ramona, the romantic tension between the two"
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much conflict or action to move the story along"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The scene is fairly standard in terms of its premise and structure, but the characters' dialogue and interactions feel fresh and authentic, creating a sense of originality and unpredictability. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue further contributes to their relatability and believability.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to make a good impression on Ramona and win her over. This reflects his desire for love and validation, as well as his fear of being alone.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal is to have a successful date with Ramona, despite the obstacles they face such as the weather and their different preferences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 2

There is not a clear philosophical conflict present in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because of the charming characters, witty dialogue, and the potential for romantic tension.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is well-done, with a gradual build-up of tension and humor as the characters get to know each other. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear descriptions and dialogue formatting that follows standard screenplay conventions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a basic structure for a dating/romantic scene, with the characters getting to know each other and facing some obstacles along the way.


Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written with solid character development and an engaging dialogue. The banter between Scott and Ramona feels natural and adds to their chemistry. However, there are a few small areas for improvement:

1. The scene lacks much description beyond the setting and physical actions of the characters. Adding sensory details and more atmospheric language could further immerse the audience in the scene.

2. The dialogue occasionally feels a bit on-the-nose, particularly when Ramona discusses her reasons for coming to Toronto. This could be more subtly conveyed through her actions or indirect dialogue.

3. While the door with the STAR on it is intriguing, the sudden shift to blackness feels a bit jarring as there's no explanation or transition. Adding some sort of visual effect or sound cue could help smooth this out.

Overall, this scene seems like it has potential and could be even stronger with a little more revision and polish.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Establish the setting more clearly. It’s not clear where in the park the characters are and what the atmosphere is like.

2. Increase the stakes. The scene lacks tension and conflict. Consider adding a moment of disagreement, miscommunication or tension to keep the audience engaged.

3. Develop the characters. There is some banter between Scott and Ramona, but we don't learn much about them as people. Consider adding some backstory or character traits to make them more interesting and relatable.

4. Use the setting to create mood. The park in the snow could be used to create a sense of isolation or intimacy between the characters. Use the elements of the scene to enhance the emotional content.

5. Avoid on-the-nose dialogue. Some of the dialogue feels repetitive or cliched. Consider cutting some unnecessary dialogue and adding more subtext to create a richer, more nuanced conversation.

6. Make the door moment more impactful. The sudden appearance of the door in the snow is a cool image, but it needs to be more meaningful. Consider adding some foreshadowing or payoff to make the moment more satisfying for the audience.



Scene 13 - Tea and Blankets
34 INT. RAMONA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 34

Scott shivers at the kitchen table of Ramona’s cozy, girl
friendly apartment. He watches as she slips out of her
coat.

RAMONA
What kind of tea do you want?

SCOTT
There’s more than one kind?

RAMONA
We have blueberry, raspberry,
ginseng, sleepytime, green tea,
green tea with lemon, green tea
with lemon and honey, liver
disaster, ginger with honey, ginger
without honey, vanilla almond,
white truffle, blueberry chamomile,
vanilla walnut, constant comment
and earl grey.
38.


SCOTT
Did you make some of those up?

RAMONA
I think I’ll have sleepytime.

SCOTT
That sounds good to me.

RAMONA
Let me get you a blanket.

SCOTT
That would actually be awesome.

Ramona exits. After a moment alone, Scott ventures
upstairs.

He wanders towards a half open door. Pushing it open, he
finds Ramona in her bedroom in her bra and skirt.

RAMONA
Dude! I’m changing.

Scott covers his eyes and our screen goes BLACK.

SCOTT (O.S.)
AAAH! Sorry, I’m just...cold!

RAMONA (O.S.)
Here, does this help?

SCOTT (O.S.)
That’s...very warm. What is that?

Scott opens his eyes to see Ramona hugging him.

SCOTT
Ohh...kay.

They look into each others eyes...camera circles Scott and
Ramona as they begin an awesome make out session. Scott
imagines himself soundtracking the kiss with a slinky
bassline. Ramona breaks off, smiling. Scott is in heaven.

SCOTT
Were you..were you just going to
bring the blanket from your bed?

RAMONA
I guess...
39.


SCOTT
Maybe...maybe we should both get
under it...since we’re so cold.

RAMONA
Well...what about our tea?

SCOTT
I can...not have tea.

The slinky bassline continues as Ramona takes her skirt
off, revealing black panties to complement black bra. Scott
takes his shirt off. They tumble onto the bed and make out.
Then-

RAMONA
I changed my mind.

SCOTT
Changed it to what? From what?

RAMONA
I don’t want to have sex with you,
Pilgrim. Not right now.

SCOTT
Ohh...kay.

RAMONA
It’s not like I’m gonna send you
home in a snowstorm or anything.
You can sleep in my bed. And I
reserve the right to change my mind
about the sex later.

Ramona curls up next to Scott.

SCOTT
This is cool, just this. It’s been
like a really long time, and this
is...I think I needed this.
Whatever this is. So, thanks.

RAMONA
You’re welcome.

They exchange a smile. Then without warning we jump cut to
-


35 INT. RAMONA’S ROOM - MORNING 35
40.


DAYLIGHT! Scott awakens. Ramona is gone. An arrow points to
the empty spot in the bed next to him.

’RAMONA’ Another arrow point out that-

’SHE’S IN THE SHOWER’ Ramona steps out of the bathroom in a
towel. Scott relaxes.

RAMONA
I have to work.

SCOTT
Work?

RAMONA
You have to leave.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Scott and Ramona share tea and a cozy moment at Ramona's apartment, leading to an intense make-out session, before Ramona changes her mind about sex. They sleep together and Scott wakes up alone the next morning.
Strengths "The scene highlights the romantic chemistry between Scott and Ramona, building tension through their shared moment of intimacy. The whimsical setting and playful dialogue add to the overall charm of the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a strong plot development beyond Scott and Ramona's relationship, and the conflict level is relatively low."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 8

The scene is unique in its humorous approach to a potential romantic encounter. The dialogue is fast-paced and clever, but the authenticity of the characters' actions is questionable (e.g. Ramona changing her mind about sex).


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Scott's internal goal is to connect with Ramona and pursue a romantic relationship with her. This reflects his fears of loneliness and desire for companionship.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal is to spend the night with Ramona and potentially have sex with her. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being in her bedroom and the initial attraction between them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because of its humorous dialogue, quirky characters, and unexpected cutaways.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because of its rapid-fire dialogue and use of cutaways to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted appropriately for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a conventional format for a romantic encounter in a screenplay.


Critique Overall, the scene flows well and sets up the relationship between Scott and Ramona. However, there are a few critiques to consider:

1. The tea list exchange could be shortened or streamlined to keep the scene moving at a quicker pace.

2. When Scott ventures upstairs and finds Ramona changing, it feels like a trope that has been overdone in movies and can come across as lazy writing. Consider finding a more unique way for Scott and Ramona to reveal their physical attraction to each other.

3. The jump cut to the next morning feels abrupt and could use a smoother transition.

Overall, the scene does a good job of setting up the relationship between Scott and Ramona, but could benefit from some tweaks to feel more fresh and unique.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and establishes the romantic tension between Scott and Ramona. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the setting: Is Ramona's apartment cozy and girl-friendly or is it just cozy? It is not necessary to specify the girl-friendly aspect unless it significantly impacts the story.

2. Streamline the tea dialogue: The list of tea options is lengthy and slows down the pacing of the scene. Consider shortening it to focus on the more important dialogue that reveals Ramona's personality.

3. Build tension more gradually: Scott's sudden venture into Ramona's bedroom may seem too sudden. Build the tension by showing him hesitating outside the door or adding a moment where Ramona looks uncomfortable before he covers his eyes.

4. Be mindful of consent: When Scott enters Ramona's bedroom, he finds her in her bra and skirt. While he covers his eyes, it is important to establish that she is comfortable with his presence.

5. Add more physical description: Despite the intimate setting, there is very little physical description of the characters' actions. Adding more description of their movements and gestures can help enhance the scene's sensuality.

6. Consider pacing: The sudden jump cut to the morning after may be jarring for the audience. Consider ending the scene on a more emotionally charged moment to add greater momentum to the story.



Scene 14 - Ramona's Number
36 EXT. RAMONA’S APARTMENT - MORNING 36

Ramona skates towards the front gate, Scott walking next to
her. WAIST DEEP SNOW covers the roads and sidewalks.

SCOTT
Hey, can this not be a one night
stand? For one thing, I didn’t even
get any...that was a joke.

RAMONA
What did you have in mind?

SCOTT
Umm...oh, come to the first round
of this battle of the bands thing.

RAMONA
(totally unimpressed)
You have a band?

SCOTT
Yeah, we’re terrible. Please come.

RAMONA
Sure.

Ramona shrugs and ROLLERBLADES through the snow...(somehow)

SCOTT
Wait! Can I get your number?

SSSSHHHOOP! Ramona skids to a stop, right back next to
Scott. She hands him a note. ’RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665,
xxxxxxx’
41.


SCOTT
Wow, girl number.

Scott looks back up. Ramona is already skating far, far
away.

RAMONA
See you at the show, Scott Pilgrim.

SCOTT
Oh, hey! It’s tonight...At The-


37 INT. THE ROCKIT - NIGHT 37

’THE ROCKIT, FUN FACT: THIS PLACE IS A TOILET’

Ramona wades through a grungy venue under the stare of
young hipsters, reaching Scott at the bar. He stands with
Wallace and Stacey. She holds hands with a guy wearing
glasses.

SCOTT
You totally came!

RAMONA
Yes. I did totally come.

Scott is so amazed at her presence, his social skills
vanish.

STACEY
Excuse my brother. He’s chronically
enfeebled. I’m Stacey.

RAMONA
Hey.

STACEY
And this is Wallace, his room-mate.

WALLACE
Hey.

STACEY
And this is my boyfriend Jimmy.

WALLACE
(staring at Jimmy)
Heyyy.

STACEY
And this is Knives, Scott’s-
42.


Scott goes white. He didn’t even see Knives come in.

SCOTT
HEYYYYYYYY!

KNIVES CHAU
Hey.

Knives pecks Scott on the cheek. He pushes her away. Knives
looks kinda sexy, wearing makeup and new clothes.

KNIVES CHAU
Do you like?

SCOTT
I...uh...

LEONE STAREDOWNS all around. Stacey stares at Scott. Knives
and Ramona stare at each other. Wallace stares at Jimmy.

SCOTT
Have. To. Go.

Scott scurries off. We hear feedback from a mic onstage.

PROMOTER (O.S.)
This next band are from Brampton
and they are Crash And The Boys.


38 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 38

Scott runs backstage to see Stills obsessively flipping
through a chart with hand drawn stats of their rival band.

STEPHEN STILLS
This is a nightmare. Is this a
nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake
up.

KIM PINE
Once we’re on stage you’ll be fine.

STEPHEN STILLS
We were just on stage. For sound
check. The sound guy hated us.

SCOTT
It’s just nerves! Pre-show jitters.
People love us. Right?
43.


Scott sounds less than convincing. He looks up at Ramona
and Knives sitting with Wallace, Jimmy and Stacey in the
BALCONY.


39 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 39

Crash and The Boys tune up. A drunk Wallace turns to Jimmy.

WALLACE
Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?

JIMMY
They...haven’t started playing yet.

WALLACE
That was a test, Jimmy. You passed.

CRASH
Good evening. I am Crash, and these
are the Boys.

WALLACE
IS THAT GIRL A BOY, TOO?

CRASH
Yes.

TRASHA, 8 year old girl drummer, gives Wallace the finger.


40 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 40

Sex Bob-omb peer at the band from offstage. Kim glowers.

KIM PINE
They have a girl drummer?
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Music"]

Summary Scott gets Ramona's number and invites her to his band's gig.
Strengths "The scene effectively sets up a major plot point of the band gig and introduces Ramona as a potential love interest."
Weaknesses "The scene could include more character development for Ramona, and the dialogue feels slightly contrived in parts."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh take on the 'boy-meets-girl' trope, with a band-competition element adding to the excitement.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to impress Ramona and win her over by showing her his band.

External Goal: 8

Scott's external goal is to convince Ramona to come to his band's show.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of its unique characters, witty dialogue, and the excitement of the upcoming band competition.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-done, with quick and seamless transitions between settings and witty dialogue that keeps the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-done, with clear and concise descriptions and seamless transitions between settings.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the conflict and the introduction of new characters.


Critique The scene has good pacing, and the dialogue effectively establishes the characters' personalities and motivations. However, the descriptions could be more specific and vivid to create a clearer visual and emotional image for the reader. For example, instead of just saying "WAIST DEEP SNOW covers the roads and sidewalks," the description could explore how the characters navigate this obstacle and how it affects their mood. The scene could also benefit from more sensory details to engage the reader and enhance the emotional resonance of the dialogue. Overall, the scene successfully sets up the premise for the following events while presenting distinct characterizations and tone.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written with strong character interactions and dialogue. However, there are a few suggestions I have to further improve the scene:

1. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Ramona tell Scott that she’s unimpressed by his band, show her lack of interest through her body language and facial expressions. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the audience.

2. More description: While the setting of the scene is mentioned, there is little description beyond that. Adding more sensory details such as the smells, sounds, and sights of the venue can help immerse the audience in the world of the story.

3. Clarify character motivations: The motivations and feelings of some characters, such as Knives and Scott, could be more clearly defined in this scene. This will make their actions and decisions more meaningful to the audience.

4. Cut unnecessary lines: While some of the humorous lines add to the characterizations and tone of the scene, others are repetitive or feel like filler. Trimming down the dialogue to the most essential lines can make the scene tighter and more impactful.



Scene 15 - Crash and The Boys' Gig
41 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 41

CRASH
This is called "I am so sad. I am
so very very sad." And it goes a
little something like this.

Crash and the Boys play a whole song in .04 seconds.

CRASH
Thank you.

Wallace yells from the balcony.
44.


WALLACE
IT’S NOT A RACE, GUYS!

CRASH
This song is for the guy who keeps
yelling from the balcony, and it’s
called "We Hate You, Please Die."

WALLACE
Sweet, I love this one!

Crash continues his rampage of musical hate.


42 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 42

STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good. Are these guys
good?

Kim Pine scowls harder than ever.

STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good.


43 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 43

CRASH
This is called "Last Song Kills
Audience". It’ll be our last song
tonight and your last song EVER...

Sound explodes from the stage. The audience are stunned.


44 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 44

Stills paces backstage as the others watch the band.

STEPHEN STILLS
How are we supposed to follow this?
We’re not going to win, we’re not
gonna sign with G-Man and we’ll
never play opening night at the
Chaos Theatre.
(FREAKING OUT)
GODDAMN IT SCOTT, WILL YOU STOP
JUST STANDING THERE, YOU’RE
FREAKING ME OUT!


45 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 45
45.


As Crash And The Boys climax, Stacey turns to Ramona.

STACEY
So, how do you know Scott?

RAMONA
He’s...um. He’s a friend.

STACEY
Hard for me to keep track
sometimes. He has so many friends.

Ramona arches an eyebrow. Stacey turns to Knives and
Tamara.

STACEY
So Knives, how did you meet Scott?


46 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 46

Scott looks up into the balcony, sees Stacey talking to
Knives. He turns around and slaps Stephen Stills in the
face.

SCOTT
We gotta play now and loud!


47 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 47

Stacey and Ramona listen intently to Knives’ story.

KNIVES CHAU
Well, I was on the bus with my Mom-

Knives freezes, staring at the stage.

RAMONA
Is that seriously the end of the
story?

KNIVES CHAU
OH MY GOSH, they’re on!
Genres: ["Comedy","Music"]

Summary Scott's band, Crash and the Boys, performs at The Rockit and the audience is stunned by their music. Meanwhile, backstage, Stephen Stills worries about how they can follow such an act. Stacey and Ramona talk about Scott, while Knives tells a story that ends abruptly because the band takes the stage.
Strengths "Energetic music performance, witty dialogue"
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot development, not much emotional impact"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The band playing hateful music is a unique twist, but the scene is fairly standard in its portrayal of a rock concert.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

Scott wants to prove himself as a musician and win over Ramona

External Goal: 7

Scott wants to play a good show and impress the audience


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of its fast pace and energetic visuals and sounds.

Pacing: 9

The quick cuts and energetic music contribute to the scene's fast pacing and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene is properly formatted with scene headings, character names in all caps, and clear, concise descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene is structured like a typical concert scene with back-and-forth cuts between the stage and backstage.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with good pacing and clear actions and reactions from the characters. The use of dialogue adds to the humor and tone of the scene. However, one possible critique is that some of the dialogue feels slightly expositional, especially in the exchange between Stacey and Ramona about Scott's friends. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more physical descriptions and actions to help visualize the intensity of the performance.
Suggestions Firstly, it’s important to establish the setting of the scene. Is "The Rockit" a concert venue? Is it a battle of the bands? Consider adding a bit more detail to help readers understand the context.

Secondly, add some physical descriptions to the characters to make them more vivid and memorable for the audience. What are Crash and the Boys wearing? How does Stacey react to the music?

Thirdly, focus on the pacing of the scene. The dialogue is quite fast-paced, which is great for an energetic music scene. However, it might feel a bit rushed for readers. Consider adding more beats, actions, and descriptions to break up the dialogue and allow the audience to better absorb the story.

Fourthly, consider adding more conflict within the scene. While the music itself is energetic, there doesn't seem to be much conflict between the characters (except for perhaps Stephen Stills' freakout). Adding more interpersonal conflict, such as between Crash and Wallace or between Stills and Scott, could create a more engaging and memorable scene.

Finally, consider adding more sensory language to the scene. How does the audience react to the music? What does it feel like to be in the crowd? Adding sensory details can make the scene feel more immersive and engaging for the audience.



Scene 16 - Sex Bob-Omb vs. Matthew Patel
48 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 48

ONSTAGE: A DISHEVELED PROMOTER walks to the mic.

PROMOTER
46.


This next band is from Toronto
and...yeah. So give it up for
Sex...Bob-Omb?

SEX BOB-OMB walk on. Wallace and Knives give the only
cheers.

STEPHEN STILLS
Scott...you ready?

Scott nods vigorously.

STEPHEN STILLS
Kim...you rea-

KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB. ONE, TWO...

ANGLE on Knives. She faints in the excitement.

KIM PINE
THREE, FOUR!

Sex Bob-omb rock out, barely into the first verse when a
chunk of ceiling CRASHES down and a SPINDLY INDIAN HIPSTER
KID DIVES HEAD FIRST through the hole, finger pointed at
Scott as he sails towards the stage!

MATTHEW PATEL lands onstage and glares at Scott through a
lopsided fringe. He wears an evil grin and a jacket that
borders on flamboyant. He drags on a cigarette (blacked
out).

MATTHEW PATEL
Mr. Pilgrim. It is I, Matthew
Patel. Consider our fight...begun!

SCOTT
What did I do?

Matthew Patel leaps in the air and sails toward Scott.

SCOTT
What do I do?!

WALLACE
FIGHT!

Scott throws his bass to Young Neil and BLOCKS Patel with
his left arm, then PUNCHES him across the floor with his
right. Patel LANDS like a cat, FLIPS his fringe and GLARES
at Scott.
47.


MATTHEW PATEL
Alright. Alright.

WALLACE
Watch out! It’s that one guy!

SCOTT
Thank you, Wallace!

Patel RUNS at Scott. Scott SPIN KICKS Patel in the chin and
sends him flying into the air. They land in THE PIT,
knocking hipsters down and squaring off in the resulting
circle.

MATTHEW PATEL
You’re quite the opponent, Pilgrim.

SCOTT
Who the hell are you anyway?

The LIGHTING GUY spotlights the fighters.

MATTHEW PATEL
My name is Matthew Patel and I’m
Ramona’s first evil ex-boyfriend!

SCOTT
You’re what?

MATTHEW PATEL
Ramona’s first evil ex-boyfriend!

All eyes WHIP up to Ramona...

RAMONA
Anyone need another drink?

Patel attacks Scott with spin kicks. Scott blocks. Patel
punches. Scott blocks, then holds his hand up for a time-
out.

SCOTT
We’re fighting because of Ramona?

MATTHEW PATEL
Didn’t you get my e-mail explaining
the situation?

SCOTT
I skimmed it.

MATTHEW PATEL
You will pay for your insolence!
48.


Patel attacks, landing kicks and punches. Scott evades and
counter-attacks. Patel evades, then lands more punches.

Scott jump-spins away from danger. They pause, breathing
heavy.

WALLACE
What’s up with his outfit?

OTHER HECKLER
Yeah! Is he a pirate?

Scott looks at Patel’s outfit.

SCOTT
Are you a pirate?

MATTHEW PATEL
Pirates are in this year!

Patel attacks again. They exchange furious blows, until
Patel puts Scott in a choke hold. Scott looks up to Ramona.

SCOTT
You really went out with this guy?

RAMONA
Yeah, in the seventh grade.

The Lighting Guy SWINGS the spotlight to Ramona in the
balcony. We see a sketchy childlike ANIMATED FLASHBACK.

RAMONA
It was football season and for some
reason, all the little jocks wanted
me. Matthew was the only non-white,
non-jock boy in school, probably in
the entire state, so we joined
forces and took ’em all out. We
were one hell of a team. Nothing
could beat Matthew’s mystical
powers. Nothing but pre-teen
capriciousness. We only kissed
once. After a week and a half, I
told him to hit the showers.

The spotlight swings back onto Scott and Patel.

SCOTT
Dude, wait...mystical powers?

Patel levitates into the air and points at Ramona.
49.


MATTHEW PATEL
You’ll pay for this, Flowers!

Patel SNAPS his fingers and launches into a BOLLYWOOD SONG!

MATTHEW PATEL
If you want to fight me, you’re not
the brightest. You won’t know
what’s hit you in the slightest.

Patel levitates into the air. Four hot girls in skirts with
fangs and bat-wings appear in the air around him.

MATTHEW PATEL
Me and my fireballs and my Demon
Hipster Chicks, I’m talking the
talk because I know I’m slick.

Patel and the Demon Hipster Chicks shoot FIREBALLS at
Scott.

He flips back onto the stage, narrowly dodging the attack.

MATTHEW PATEL
Fireball Girls! Take this sucker
down.

The Demon Hipster Chicks unleash more fireballs. Scott
dodges. The house drum kit is trashed behind him.

MATTHEW PATEL
Let us show him what we’re all
about.

Scott hits the ground, dodging a third wave of fireballs.

They explode Crash and the Boys in the wings.

SCOTT
That doesn’t even rhyme.

Scott rolls across the stage, GRABS one of Kim’s CYMBALS
and throws it Captain America style. It hits Patel square
in the eyes. POOF, the Demon Hipster Chicks vanish.

MATTHEW PATEL
This is impossible, how can it be?!

Scott leaps into the air. Patel opens his eyes just in time
to see Scott Pilgrim’s FIST racing towards his face.

SCOTT
Open your eyes. Maybe you’ll see.
50.


K.O! Scott punches Patel. He explodes into COINS. They
clatter to the stage floor. Scott lands and picks them up.

SCOTT
Sweet. Coins.
Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Fantasy"]

Summary Scott and his band perform at The Rockit while being attacked by Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend, Matthew Patel.
Strengths
  • Action-packed fight scene
  • Witty and humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth and development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene's use of exaggerated visuals and surreal elements adds a fresh spin to the typical fight scene. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic to their individual personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his newfound confidence and worth to himself and others by defeating his first evil ex-boyfriend. This reflects his desire to be seen as a capable and desirable partner and to overcome his own insecurities.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to defeat Matthew Patel in a physical fight, as he is one of Ramona's evil ex-boyfriends and a threat to their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire to prove himself and his willingness to get into a potentially violent and dangerous situation for the sake of a relationship. It challenges his beliefs about love and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of its unique visuals and fast-paced action. The audience is invested in seeing the protagonist overcome his challenges and succeed in his goals.

Pacing: 9

The scene's pacing effectively builds tension and excitement, with fast-paced action interspersed with moments of levity and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear and concise action and dialogue descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and excitement as the fight progresses.


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as a solid introduction to the movie's action and style. The scene effectively establishes the main characters, their relationship, and Scott Pilgrim's world filled with video game-like battles. The dialogue and pacing are quick and engaging, setting up the conflict between Scott and Patel. The use of visual effects and animated flashbacks adds a creative element to the scene. Overall, the scene serves its purpose as an entertaining and thrilling introduction to the movie's tone and style. However, some might argue that the scene may rely too heavily on style and not enough on substance, as the characters and their motivations may not be fully developed in this opening scene.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is action-packed and engaging, but there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Introduce the Indian hipster kid earlier in the story: The sudden appearance of Matthew Patel can be confusing for the audience since they have no prior knowledge of the character. A brief introduction or hint of his character earlier in the story could make his appearance more impactful and less random.

2. Make the fight choreography clearer: While the fight between Scott and Patel is exciting, some of the actions are unclear or poorly described. Clear and concise instructions on the fight choreography can help visualize the scene for the readers and make it easier for the director and actors to execute.

3. Develop the characters' reactions more: While Knives fainting and Wallace cheering add some humor to the scene, there could be more development on the characters' reactions to the fight. Giving more insight into how each character feels about the situation can add depth and emotion to the scene.

4. Consider tone consistency: The sudden appearance of a Bollywood-style song and the Demon Hipster Chicks can be a jarring shift from the rest of the scene. While incorporating humor and unexpected elements can be effective, it's important to maintain consistency with the overall tone of the film.



Scene 17 - Defeating the Exes
49 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 49

Ramona makes her way out fast. Passes Stacey.

RAMONA
Well, it was great meeting you.
Tell your gay friends I said bye.

STACEY
Gay friends?

Stacey turns to see Wallace and Jimmy making out.

STACEY
WALLACE?! Not again!

Ramona passes Knives, who is being resuscitated by Tamara.


50 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 50

Scott picks up the coins onstage and counts them.

SCOTT
Aw man. $2.40? That’s not even
enough for the bus home.

RAMONA
I’ll lend you the 30 cents.

Ramona yanks Scott away. The Promoter ambles back onstage.

PROMOTER
Yeah...so like, Sex Bob-Omb wins.


51 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 51

Knives is now wide awake, clapping wildly from the balcony.

Her eyes scan the venue for Scott...but he is long gone.


52 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 52
51.


SCOTT
Sooooooo...

A bemused Scott and mortified Ramona sit on the bus home.

SCOTT
What was all that all about?

RAMONA
Uh, I guess...

Ramona takes a breath. Looks deep into Scott’s eyes.

RAMONA
If we’re going to date, you may
have to defeat my seven evil ex’s.

SCOTT
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

RAMONA
Seven ex’s, yes.

SCOTT
So I have to fight-

RAMONA
Defeat.

SCOTT
-defeat your seven evil ex’s if
we’re going to continue to date.

RAMONA
Pretty much.

SCOTT
So, what you’re saying is...
(beat)
We are dating?

RAMONA
Uh, I guess.

SCOTT
Cool. Do you want to make out?

RAMONA
Uh...

Scott kisses Ramona. The studio audience ’awwww’s.
52.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Scott and Ramona leave The Rockit and take the bus home. Ramona reveals that Scott must defeat her seven evil exes if they are going to continue dating.
Strengths "The scene provides a witty and humorous tone and advances the plot of the story. The dialogue is engaging and the characters are fleshed out, especially Ramona and Scott."
Weaknesses "The conflict is low and the stakes are not high enough. The introduction of the seven evil exes plotline may seem contrived to some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

The scene's originality lies in its unique take on dating and relationships, with the added challenge of fighting seven evil ex-boyfriends. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue add to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to impress Ramona and start a relationship with her.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal is to make it home on the bus.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no apparent philosophical conflict in the scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the lighthearted and comedic dialogue between the characters, combined with the unique premise of having to defeat seven evil exes to date someone.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building up to Scott and Ramona's conversation, but there are a few slower moments that could be trimmed to improve the overall pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre by utilizing sluglines and character names to indicate different locations and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre as it progresses through the concert venue and onto the bus ride home, building up to Scott and Ramona's conversation.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have opinions or thoughts; however, as for the critique of the scene, it seems well-written with clear actions, dialogue, and setting descriptions. The characters have distinct personalities, and the plot progresses smoothly with the introduction of the seven evil ex's. The dialogue is witty and playful, adding a lighthearted tone to the scene. Overall, it looks like a well-crafted scene.
Suggestions As a screenwriting language model, I can provide some general suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the characters more: At this point in the script, we haven't really gotten to know the characters very well. To make the scene more engaging, consider adding some context to their personalities and relationships with each other.

2. Add some conflict: There isn't a lot of tension in this scene. Consider introducing some conflict to keep the audience engaged. This could be anything from a heated argument to a minor disagreement.

3. Make the dialogue more engaging: The dialogue is a bit flat in this scene. Consider spicing it up with some witty banter or humorous one-liners.

4. Create a more interesting setting: The scene takes place in a fairly generic venue. Consider adding some unique visual elements to make the setting more compelling and visually interesting.

5. Raise the stakes: The consequences of the scene seem fairly low. Consider adding some higher stakes to make the scene more dramatic and impactful.

Overall, the scene could use some more development and refinement to make it more engaging and memorable. Consider using these suggestions as a starting point for improving the script.



Scene 18 - Ramona's Ultimatum
53 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - MORNING 53

A bleary Wallace fries bacon. Scott bursts through the
front door, a spring in his step. The studio audience
applauds.

WALLACE
Someone’s happy.

SCOTT
Well, someone got to second base
last night. And someone has a
second date tonight.

WALLACE
Someone’s lucky then.

SCOTT
You know when I say ’˜someone’, I
mean me, right? I got to second
base last night...maybe first and a
half.

Wallace shoots a look at the idiotically upbeat Scott.

SCOTT
Oh, hey, I’m inviting Ramona over
for dinner, so you can’t be here
tonight. I don’t want you gaying up
the place.

WALLACE
Okay, Scott. But in return I have
to issue an ultimatum.

SCOTT
One of your famous ultimatums?

WALLACE
It may live in infamy...You have to
break up with Knives. Today. Okay?

Scott huffs and helps himself to some of Wallace’s bacon.

SCOTT
But...but...it’s HARD.

WALLACE
If you don’t do it, I’m going to
tell Ramona about Knives. I swear
to God, Scott.

SCOTT
53.


But you...you’re...

At this point a sleepy JIMMY wanders out of the bathroom
and helps himself to coffee.

JIMMY
Morning.

Scott points bacon at Wallace accusingly.

SCOTT
DOUBLE STANDARD!

WALLACE
I didn’t make up the gay rulebook.
If you have a problem with it, take
it up with Liberace’s Ghost.

SCOTT
You’re a monster.

WALLACE
Now put the bacon down and go do
your dirt while I watch the Lucas
Lee marathon on TBS Superstation.

SCOTT
Who’s Lucas Lee?

Wallace points to a hunky actor on the cover of NOW
magazine.

WALLACE
He was this pretty good skater and
now he’s this pretty good actor.
He’s filming a Winifred Hailey
movie in Toronto right now.

SCOTT
They make movies in Toronto?

WALLACE
Yes. I am stalking him later.

SCOTT
So, this Lucas Lee-

WALLACE
Lucas Lee is not important to you
right now! Get out.

SCOTT
You suck. Surprising no one.
54.


Scott grumbles off. Wallace turns the television way up. We
see Lucas Lee on a payphone in some crummy thriller.

LUCAS LEE (ON TV)
Listen close and listen hard,
bucko. The next click is me hanging
up. The one after that...is me
pulling the trigger.


54 EXT. PAYPHONE ON BUSY STREET - DAY 54

A shivering and annoyed Scott dials the payphone.

SCOTT
Oh, hey, Knives. Um, do you want
to, like, talk or whatever?

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Are you wearing a tan jacket? Like
a spring jacket? And a hoodie?

SCOTT
Ummm...

Scott checks what he’s wearing. SPOOKY MUSIC underscores.

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
And a dorky hat?!

SCOTT
It’s not dorky! Why are you
psychic?

A beaming Knives knocks on the payphone glass.

SCOTT
Oh. Uh...okay. Hi.
Genres: ["comedy","romance"]

Summary Scott must choose between Ramona and Knives, while Wallace taunts him about his love life and Lucas Lee makes a threatening appearance on TV.
Strengths "Humorous banter and witty one-liners, along with the introduction of Lucas Lee as an antagonist."
Weaknesses "The ultimatum plotline feels contrived and slightly forced."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

While the setting and situation are not unique, the specific dialogue and character interactions feel fresh and authentic.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 10

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to figure out how to handle his romantic entanglements while also maintaining his friendship with Wallace. This reflects his desire to please others and not cause conflict.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to break up with Knives, his current girlfriend, at Wallace's request. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his love life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because the witty dialogue and characters' unique voices keep the audience invested in the interactions between the characters. The tension between Scott and Wallace about his love life also creates stakes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene feels appropriate, with a good mix of dialogue and action to keep it moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene is clear, readable, and adheres to the industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.


Critique This scene is well-written and effectively conveys the relationship between Wallace and Scott. The dialogue is natural and humorous, which engages the audience. The introduction of Lucas Lee provides a hint at Scott's upcoming conflict and sets up a storyline for the next scene. However, there isn't much tension or conflict in this scene, and it feels more like a playful conversation than a significant moment in the story. It also doesn't move the plot forward as much as it could. Overall, while it's a fun and entertaining scene, it could benefit from more narrative significance.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could use some tightening up and clarity. Here are some specific suggestions:

1. Consider removing the studio audience reference. It's unclear if this is a meta joke for the audience or if there's a live studio audience present in the scene. It's distracting and doesn't add anything to the story.

2. Make sure the dialogue is clearly establishing character and advancing the plot. Some of the banter between Scott and Wallace feels like filler rather than adding anything important to the story.

3. Consider giving more context about what's happening with Lucas Lee. Right now, the mention of him feels a bit random and doesn't really add anything to the scene or the story. Could there be a way to tie him in more directly to Scott's story or journey?

4. Tighten up the dialogue to make it more naturalistic. Some of the lines feel a bit overly scripted or stilted. For example, when Wallace says "One of your famous ultimatums?" it doesn't quite sound like something a person would say in casual conversation.

5. Consider adding more visual description to the scene to help bring it to life and give the reader a clearer sense of what's happening. For example, we don't really get a clear sense of what the characters are doing physically throughout the scene. Adding in more detail on that front could help bring the scene to life.



Scene 19 - Breaking Up is Hard to Do
55 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 55

The SPOOKY MUSIC continues on in the record store.

Scott is on edge as Knives geeks over a standee for THE
CLASH AT DEMONHEAD: it features sultry blonde singer ENVY
ADAMS posing and the rest of the band shrouded in shadow
and mist.

KNIVES CHAU
I can’t believe they’re coming to
town. Will you take me to the show?
55.


SCOTT
Yeah, listen-

The SPOOKY MUSIC gets louder, pounding inside Scott’s head.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hey, I wanted to invite you
over for dinner.

SCOTT
Like, Chinese food?

KNIVES CHAU
Yeah.

SCOTT
Hmm. It’s not my favorite.

KNIVES CHAU
Yeah. Well, to meet my parents.
It’s my birthday dinner.

SCOTT
Uh...I think that’s a really bad
idea. Like, really, just so bad.

KNIVES CHAU
No, it’s okay. Why?

SCOTT
Well I mean, I’m too old for you!

KNIVES CHAU
No you’re not! My Dad is nine years
older than my Mom...

SCOTT
And...and...are you even allowed to
date outside your race or whatever?

KNIVES CHAU
I don’t care. I’m in...LOVE!

Knives is so smitten, the word actually appears onscreen.

Scott brushes it away. The SPOOKY MUSIC comes to a stop.

SCOTT
Um, listen...I was thinking we
should break up or whatever.

KNIVES CHAU
Really?
56.


SCOTT
Yeah...um...it’s not going to work
out.

KNIVES CHAU
Oh...

Scott walks out, leaving Knives in the aisle.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott breaks up with Knives after realizing he's in love with Ramona
Strengths "The scene portrays the awkwardness and difficulty of breaking up with someone. The dialogue is genuine and the characters are relatable."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have a lot of action or tension. It may feel slow or uneventful to some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its portrayal of Scott's fear of commitment and the use of onscreen text to convey character emotions. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue add to the uniqueness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal is to break up with Knives and avoid further commitment. This reflects his fear of being in a serious relationship and his desire to continue his carefree lifestyle.

External Goal: 9

Scott's external goal is to break up with Knives before she invites him to her birthday dinner and introduces him to her parents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict in this scene between Scott's desire for a casual relationship and Knives' belief in true love and commitment. This challenges Scott's worldview and forces him to confront his fears of commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it has a clear conflict, witty dialogue, and a unique visual style. The tension is also heightened by the eerie music playing in the background.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension through the use of eerie music and onscreen text to convey character emotions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character actions and dialogue that move the plot forward.


Critique Firstly, this scene does a good job of establishing the tension between Scott and Knives. The use of spooky music and Scott's agitation creates a sense of unease that reflects the scene's underlying conflict.

However, the dialogue feels somewhat on the nose, particularly in the way Knives locks onto the idea of Scott taking her to the concert and then immediately pivots to inviting him to her birthday dinner. This abrupt shift in topic feels a little contrived. It might have been better to establish the dinner invitation earlier in the scene.

Similarly, the way Scott rejects Knives feels a bit clumsy. While the idea of Scott being "too old" for Knives is important thematically, the way he expresses this idea feels somewhat awkward and poorly thought-out. Additionally, the dialogue about whether Knives is allowed to date outside her race feels a bit forced and out of place.

Finally, the scene ends somewhat abruptly. While it's clear that Scott has made a decision to break up with Knives, the way he delivers this news feels a bit abrupt. It might have been more effective to show a little bit more of the characters' emotional states before cutting to black.

Overall, while this scene establishes the conflict between Scott and Knives effectively, the dialogue and pacing could use a bit of tweaking to make it feel more organic.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the tension: The scene could benefit from building the tension between Scott and Knives. Rather than jumping straight into Knives asking Scott to take her to the show and then inviting him to her birthday dinner, there could be some ambiguity or hesitation on both sides before they get to those points.

2. Clarify character motivations: Scott's reason for breaking up with Knives feels a bit abrupt and unclear. It would help to have more context around why he's making this decision - is it because he's starting to have feelings for Ramona? Is he trying to protect Knives from getting too involved with him? Adding more nuance to Scott's decision would add depth to his character.

3. Utilize the setting: The record store, Sonic Boom, could be used more effectively. Perhaps there could be some music or posters in the background that hint at Scott's conflicted feelings. Or, the record store could be a point of connection between Scott and Knives that has now become a source of tension.

4. Add visual interest: The scene is mostly dialogue-based, so adding some visual elements could make it more engaging for the viewer. This could be done through camera angles, lighting, or special effects (since the scene mentions spooky music, there could be some visual cues that tie into that).



Scene 20 - Breakup and Introduction
56 INT. THE BUS / RECORD STORE - DAY 56

Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Knives.
CROSSCUT with Knives still in the record store, in shock.
ON THE BUS: Scott sighs, thinks of something happier...
CROSSCUT with Ramona: rollerblading, her funky pink hair.
ON THE BUS: Scott smiles, a little happier.


57 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS’ BASEMENT 57

Sex Bob-Omb tune up. Kim spins a drumstick in her fingers.

KIM PINE
Where’s Knives? Not coming tonight?

SCOTT
Oh. No. We broke up.

Young Neil PAUSES his DS. Kim and Stills share a look.

SCOTT
OH! Check it out, I learned the
bass line from Final Fantasy 2.

Scott plays the insanely simple video game tune.

KIM PINE
Scott, you are the salt of the
earth.

SCOTT
Aw, thanks.

KIM PINE
Wait. I meant scum of the earth.

SCOTT
Aw, thanks.

YOUNG NEIL
You...you broke up with Knives?
57.


SCOTT
Yeah, but don’t worry, maybe you’ll
meet my new new girlfriend soon.

YOUNG NEIL
Newnew.

Kim mimes shooting herself. Stills unplugs Scott’s amp.

STEPHEN STILLS
Okay! From here on out, no
GIRLFRIENDS or GIRLFRIEND talk at
practice, whether they’re old, new
or new-new. We were lucky to
survive that last round. This is
sudden death now. Okay?

SCOTT
Okay!

DINGY DONG...

SCOTT
That’s for me.

Scott opens the door to see Ramona, now sporting BLUE HAIR.

SCOTT
Hey...you’re here?

RAMONA
Yes. Like you said. Is it not cool?

Scott ushers her in, weirded out by this hair development.

SCOTT
You know your hair?

RAMONA
I know of it.

SCOTT
It’s all blue.

RAMONA
Yeah. I just dyed it. Are you going
to introduce me?

SCOTT
Oh yeah, this is Stephen Stills,
Young Neil, that’s... Kim.

RAMONA
58.


Hey everyone.

Everyone mumbles back. Scott still stares at Ramona’s hair.

SCOTT
Is it weird not being pink anymore?

RAMONA
I change my hair every week and a
half, dude. Get used to it.
(to Sex-Bob-Omb)
So...uh...how do you guys all know
each other?

YOUNG NEIL
High school, I guess?

STEPHEN STILLS
What Neil said.

YOUNG NEIL
I’m Neil.

KIM PINE
Believe it or not, I actually dated
Scott in high school.

RAMONA
Got any embarrassing stories?

KIM PINE
Yeah. He’s an idiot.

Scott fake laughs. Starts ushering Ramona out again.

SCOTT
Okay. Cool. See you guys tomorrow.

STEPHEN STILLS
Uh, what about rehearsal?

SCOTT
Neil knows my parts.

YOUNG NEIL
(to Stills)
I’m Neil.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Scott reflects on his breakup with Knives while Ramona introduces herself to the band.
Strengths "The introduction of a new character adds an interesting dynamic to the group, and there is a humorous moment when Kim confuses Scott for the 'scum of the earth'."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear conflict or emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situations and characters are familiar but the dialogue and interactions between them feel fresh and unique.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 9

Scott's internal goal is to move on from his relationship with Knives and be happy with Ramona. He wants to enjoy his time with her and forget about the past.

External Goal: 8

Scott's external goal is to introduce Ramona to his friends and to impress her with his band's music. He also wants to maintain his place in the band.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 3

There is little philosophical conflict in this scene, although the theme of moving on from past relationships and finding new happiness could be considered one.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue and the mix of lighthearted humor with more serious themes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and creating a sense of progression towards the next stage of the plot.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre.


Critique This scene does a good job of quickly establishing the emotional state of the characters and their relationships with each other. The crosscutting between Scott and Knives/Ramona helps to build tension and keep the scene visually interesting. However, the dialogue feels a bit contrived in places, particularly with Kim's sudden shift from asking about Knives to complimenting Scott. Additionally, the use of video game music as the bass line feels a bit on-the-nose. Despite these minor issues, the scene effectively sets up the tension and conflicts that will drive the rest of the story.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from clearer establishing shots to orient the viewer in the different locations. Additionally, the crosscutting between Scott on the bus and Knives in the record store feels disjointed, and could be tightened up or restructured to create a stronger connection between the two characters.

The scene in Stephen Stills' basement is well written and provides some humor and character development, but could be enhanced with more visual interest and dynamic blocking. The dialogue could also be revised to better develop the relationships between the characters and propel the plot forward.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more attention to visual storytelling, pacing, and character development.



Scene 21 - Garlic Bread and Haircuts
58 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 58
59.


Ramona lounges, reading a magazine. A tense Scott hurries
around the kitchen area, preparing food as Wallace looks
on.

WALLACE
Are you doing okay there?

SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good.

Ramona goes to the bathroom. Scott drops the act.

SCOTT
She changed her hair.

WALLACE
So? It looks nice blue.

SCOTT
I know, but she changed it without
even making a big deal about it.
She’s spontaneous. Impulsive.
Fickle. Oh my god, what do I do?

WALLACE
I can’t believe you were worried
about me gaying up the place.

Ramona returns. Wallace pulls on a jacket.

RAMONA
How’s dinner coming along?

SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good.

WALLACE
I’ll leave you lovebirds to it. I’m
heading up to Casa Loma to stalk my
hetero crush.

Scott stops Wallace at the door, with a panicked whisper.

SCOTT
Don’t go.

WALLACE
Will you man the hell up? You could
get to 2nd and a half base.

SCOTT
You think so?
60.


WALLACE
Well, if you strike out in the next
hour, come find me at the Castle.

SCOTT
’If I strike out’?

WALLACE
Okay, ’when’. See you in sixty.

’15 MINUTES LATER’ Ramona and Scott eat on the floor,
picnic style. Scott has cooked garlic bread (and only
garlic bread) for dinner.

RAMONA
This is actually really good garlic
bread.

SCOTT
Garlic bread is my favorite food. I
could honestly eat it for every
meal. Or just all the time without
even stopping.

RAMONA
You’d get fat.

SCOTT
No. Why would I get fat?

RAMONA
Bread makes you fat.

SCOTT
Bread makes you FAT??

’15 MINUTES LATER’ A nervy Scott serenades Ramona on his
bass guitar.

SCOTT
So I wrote a song about you.

RAMONA
Oh yeah?

SCOTT
Yeah, it goes like this: Ra-mona,
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ra-mona,
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ooooh.

RAMONA
I can’t wait to hear it when it’s
finished.
61.


SCOTT
Finished?

’15 MINUTES LATER’ Scott makes out with Ramona on the
futon.

Scott smiles as she runs her hands through his hair.

RAMONA
Your hair’s pretty shaggy.

SCOTT
OH GOD! I NEED A HAIRCUT DON’T I?!?

Scott sits up like a shot. Ramona is taken aback.

RAMONA
What?

SCOTT
Ha. No, sorry. It’s just that I
got... I got a bad haircut right
before me and my big ex broke up.
But it’s so long ago, I can barely
remember it...

A deep voiced NARRATOR chimes in. Earl Jones deep.

NARRATOR
Scott is acutely aware that his
last salon haircut took place
exactly 431 days ago, three hours
before his big breakup. He blames
this largely on the haircut and has
been cutting his own hair ever
since.

RAMONA
Sounds like a bad time.

SCOTT
Not really.

NARRATOR
It was.

SCOTT
It was a mutual thing.

NARRATOR
It wasn’t.

SCOTT
62.


I mean, she told me it was mutual.

NARRATOR
She dumped him. It was brutal.

RAMONA
What was her name?

SCOTT
She was Nat when I knew her. But
she stopped liking that name.
Then...she stopped liking me...

RAMONA
Your hair is cute. I like it long.

SCOTT
But it’d be cuter short! Wouldn’t
it?!

Scott disappears and just as quickly reappears, now wearing
his dorky SNOW HAT, hair tucked tightly beneath the flaps.

RAMONA
What? Why are you wearing that?

SCOTT
I thought we could go for a walk.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Scott prepares dinner for Ramona, while Wallace offers sarcastic commentary. Ramona reveals Scott's exes are out to get him. Scott reflects on his failed past relationships, but ends up making out with Ramona on the futon.
Strengths "Whimsical dialogue, strong character development, entertaining banter between Wallace and Scott."
Weaknesses "Low conflict level, lack of plot progression."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

This scene is not particularly original, as it is a typical romantic comedy scene where the protagonist tries to impress their love interest. However, the humorous dialogue and quirky character traits make this scene entertaining and unique.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Scott's internal goal in this scene is to impress Ramona, who he has a crush on. He wants to show her his abilities and what makes him unique.

External Goal: 7

Scott's external goal in this scene is to have a successful date with Ramona and hopefully have a romantic encounter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue, as well as the playful and fun atmosphere that the characters create.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is relatively slow, but it keeps the viewer engaged with the witty dialogue and humorous character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well done, with clear and concise descriptions that effectively communicate the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy. It sets up the date, shows the characters attempting to impress each other, and ends on a romantic note.


Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of developing the characters of Scott and Ramona and their dynamic, as well as including some humor. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, the scene could benefit from more specific and descriptive action lines. For example, instead of "Ramona goes to the bathroom," the scene could show her standing up and walking towards the bathroom, conveying more visual information. Additionally, instead of simply saying "Scott drops the act," the scene could show him visibly tensing up or letting out a sigh of relief.

Second, the dialogue could be tightened up in some places. For instance, the exchange where Scott frets over Ramona's impulsive hair change could be condensed into a shorter, snappier exchange. Also, the repetition of "good. Good." when Wallace asks about dinner could be cut down or rewritten to vary the wording.

Finally, the use of the narrator as a device could be toned down. While the narrator adds some humor and insight, it can also become distracting and take away from the immediacy of the scene. Overall, the narrator could be used more sparingly or eliminated altogether.

Overall, the scene establishes a good rapport between the characters and effectively balances humor and character development. With some tightening up of the dialogue and action lines, it could be an even stronger, more engaging scene.
Suggestions The scene is overall well-written with natural dialogue and good pacing. However, here are a few suggestions to further improve it:

- Make the stakes clearer: While there is tension between Scott and Ramona, it's not entirely clear why he's so nervous around her. Perhaps adding a line or two about why he's so enamored with her or why he feels like he needs to impress her would help raise the stakes and build tension.
- Use visuals: In a scene that's mainly made up of dialogue, using visuals can help make it more interesting. Instead of just having Ramona and Scott eat on the floor, show them laying on a blanket or even having a picnic in the living room. This can help add texture to the scene and make it more visually interesting.
- Trim some of the fat: While the scene is well-paced, there are a few moments that could be trimmed to keep it moving. For instance, the "15 MINUTES LATER" transitions at the end of each beat aren't necessarily needed and can slow the scene down.
- Add more conflict: This scene could benefit from more conflict or obstacles for the characters to overcome. Perhaps Scott's nerves get the better of him and he accidentally spills the food everywhere or Ramona's phone keeps buzzing with texts from another guy. These obstacles can help heighten the tension and make the scene more engaging.



Scene 22 - The Magical Castle
59 EXT. ENDLESS STAIRWAY - NIGHT 59

’15 MINUTES LATER’ Scott and Ramona climb a STAIRWAY, long
handrail between them.

RAMONA
Tell me we didn’t come out here
just so you could cover your hair
with that hat.

SCOTT
Nooo. I just love me some walking.
Putting one leg in front of the
other.

RAMONA
You seem a little...heightened.

SCOTT
63.


Yeah. I don’t know. I just, when
I’m with you I feel like I’m on
drugs. Not that I do drugs, unless
you do, in which case I do drugs
all the time, every drug, but...you
make me feel...I don’t know. Things
seem a little brighter around you
or something.

Ramona and Scott finally reach the top of the stairs and
NIGHT TURNS TO DAY, as if crossing a magical line.

RAMONA
What is this place?

SCOTT
A totally awesome castle. They’re
shooting this movie up here.

Ramona looks up at the looming CASA LOMA, a castle
surrounded by big, bright movie set lights.

RAMONA
Who’s in it?

SCOTT
Winifred Hailey and some actor guy.

RAMONA
Oh, who?

SCOTT
I forget. Let’s find out.
Genres: ["romance","comedy"]

Summary Scott and Ramona climb a staircase to a castle set where they discover a movie is being filmed. Ramona questions Scott about his drug use. The two find out who is in the movie.
Strengths "The witty dialogue and quirky tone bring charm to the scene. The revelation of the movie set adds an unexpected twist to the story."
Weaknesses "The lack of conflict or emotional depth could make the scene forgettable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene feels a bit disjointed and lacking in direction or purpose. The dialogue between Scott and Ramona is somewhat meandering and doesn't have a clear goal, and the sudden shift from night to day feels jarring and arbitrary. Additionally, the introduction of the castle and the movie being shot there feels like it comes out of nowhere and doesn't add much to the scene's overall impact.

To improve this scene, it would be helpful to establish a clearer purpose or motivation for the characters' conversation. What do they want from each other in this moment? Is there a conflict or tension that needs to be resolved? Additionally, the shift from night to day could benefit from some more descriptive language or imagery to better establish the tone of the moment. Finally, the introduction of the castle and the movie being shot there could be foreshadowed or more organically integrated into the scene to make it feel less like a random plot point.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels a bit stagnant and lacking in conflict or tension. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Increase the stakes of their conversation: Right now, Ramona and Scott are just chatting about nothing in particular. It would be more interesting if they were discussing something that had more emotional weight or that revealed something about their characters.

2. Add more sensory details: The setting of the endless stairway could be described in more detail to make it feel more immersive. What does it smell like? Are there any ominous sounds in the distance?

3. Introduce some conflict: Right now, Ramona and Scott are getting along perfectly well. Introducing a point of disagreement or tension between them would make the conversation more dynamic.

4. Use visual language: Films are a visual medium, so it's important to use descriptive language that will translate well to the screen. Instead of just saying they're climbing stairs, describe how they're moving and what the setting looks like.

5. Give the scene a clearer purpose: Right now, it's not entirely clear why this scene is important to the overall story. Adding in some plot development or character development would give the scene more significance.



Scene 23 - Lucas Lee's Movie Set
60 EXT. CASA LOMA - CONTINUOUS 60

A crew readies a shot of WINIFRED HAILEY held hostage by
some GOON. A STAND IN takes the place of the leading man.

Scott and Ramona approach some SPECTATORS, including
Wallace.

RAMONA
Did you find the guy you’re
stalking?

WALLACE
I think I’m about to right now.

FIRST A.D.
Mr. Lee is travelling!
64.


RAMONA
Mr. Lee?

WALLACE
Lucas Lee.

RAMONA
Ooh.

SCOTT
Ooh?

The UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FANFARE announces LUCAS LEE as he
exits his trailer, smoking a cigarette (blacked out). He
skates towards the set, doing kickflips. The spectators go
’oooh’.

WALLACE
I want to have his adopted babies.

RAMONA
Oh, man. We gotta go.

SCOTT
What? Why?

RAMONA
I used to date that clown.

WALLACE
Slut.

RAMONA
Wallace. I am not a slut.

WALLACE
I can think of no higher accolade.

Lucas steps to his mark and puffs up into action hero mode.

LUCAS LEE
Action.

Lucas Lee points his board at the GOON.

SCOTT
Oh...my...God...

LUCAS LEE
Hey. The only thing keeping me and
her apart is the two minutes it’s
gonna take to kick your ass.
65.


SCOTT
...you dated a FAMOUS guy?!

RAMONA
In 9th grade. We had drama.
Actually, it might have been math.
I just remember there being lots of
drama.

LUCAS LEE
HEY!!!

Lucas Lee points at Scott, who remains oblivious.

RAMONA
He just followed me around. He was
a little snot nosed brat.

SCOTT
He had snot? In his nose? But he’s
famous!

LUCAS LEE
HEY!!!

RAMONA
It’s not a big deal. I only dated
him for a week and a half-

LUCAS LEE
I’m talking to you Scott Pilgrim!

Lucas Lee stomps towards Scott, who gasps.

SCOTT
He’s famous and he talked to me!

LUCAS LEE
The only thing keeping me and her
apart is the two minutes it’s gonna
take to kick your ass!

SCOTT
Can I get-

POW! Lucas Lee punches Scott, flooring him. Scott comes
back up with a pen and paper, wobbly.

SCOTT
Can I get your autograph?

POW! Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He nods to Ramona.
66.


LUCAS LEE
Sup. How’s life? He seems nice.

Lucas Lee THROWS Scott up into a castle turret, crumbling
it. Scott CRASHES down through scaffolding onto the set.

Lucas holds up his hands for a quick continuity photo, then
stomps over to pick up a dazed Scott from the ground.

WALLACE
Scott. Evil ex. Fight.

LUCAS LEE
Think you stand a chance against an
A-lister, bro?

Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He slides across the wet-
down ground. A SET NURSE sprays Lucas’ knuckles with
antiseptic.

LUCAS LEE
Some competish you are.

Lucas Lee wanders off. Scott staggers to his feet, punchy.

SCOTT
Hey... hey... hey! I’m not done-

Scott spins Lucas around, only to find an identical STAND
IN!

LUCAS LEE (O.S.)
Looks like you’re seeing double.

Scott turns to see the real Lucas, smirking on the
sidelines. POW! The identical Stand In punches Scott to the
ground.

LUCAS LEE
He’s good, right? Sometimes I let
him do wide shots if I feel like
getting blazed back in my winnie.

Scott stands to fight the double. Suddenly, COUNTLESS
STUNTMEN fan out behind the STAND IN, all identically
dressed, all carrying skateboards and ready to rumble.

LUCAS LEE
I’m nothing without my stunt team.

The Stuntmen ATTACK Scott Pilgrim with a howl. Scott
PUNCHES through a couple of the boards, Tae Kwon Doe style.
67.


WALLACE
Ask them how it feels to always get
his sloppy seconds!

SCOTT
How does it feel to-

KROW! Scott takes a skateboard to the face, followed by a
barrage of crippling skateboard blows to his knees and
ribs.

LUCAS LEE
I’m gonna get coffee. You homies
want anything?

We follow the smirking Lucas to the coffee station. We hear
the noise of punching and kicking slowly subside to
nothing.

SCOTT (O.S.)
Mr. Lee?

Lucas turns, shocked to see Scott, in front of a PAINTED 2-
D SKYLINE BACKDROP, surrounded by many unconscious
stuntmen.

SCOTT
You’re needed back on set.

Scott CHARGES Lucas Lee and leaps into a FLYING KICK. Lucas
GRABS his foot and hurls him through the backdrop. RRRIP!

Scott lands in a CRUMP, framed through the torn skyline.

Lucas stomps over to him, preparing for the deathblow.

LUCAS LEE
Prepare... prepare to feel the
wrath of the League of Evil Exes!

SCOTT
The League of Evil Axes?

LUCAS LEE
You really don’t know about the
"The League"?

SCOTT
Ummm...

LUCAS LEE
68.


Seven evil exes? Coming to kill
you? Controlling the future of
Ramona’s love life?

SCOTT
...no.

LUCAS LEE
Oh, well then don’t worry about it.

SCOTT
Really?

LUCAS LEE
Yeah, bro. Let’s get a beer.

Lucas offers a hand. Scott goes to shake it. POW! Lucas
gets him square in the mouth. Scott smiles through his
aching jaw.

SCOTT
You are a pretty good actor.

LUCAS LEE
I’m going for the Oscar this year.

SCOTT
But are you a pretty good skater?

LUCAS LEE
I’m more than pretty good, ese. I
have my own skate company.

Lucas pulls down his shirt, revealing a skate company
tattoo.

SCOTT
So you can sell them, but can you
do a thingy on that rail?

Scott points to the LONG HANDRAIL on the stairs.

LUCAS LEE
It’s called a grind, bro.

SCOTT
So can you do a grind thingy now?

LUCAS LEE
Are you serious? There’s like 200
steps and the rails are garbage.

SCOTT
69.


Hey, if it’s too hardcore...

LUCAS LEE
You really think you can goad me
into doing a trick like that?

SCOTT
There’s girls watching.

LUCAS LEE
Somebody get me my board.

Wallace taps Lucas’ shoulder and hands him his skateboard.

WALLACE
Hi. Big fan.

LUCAS LEE
Why wouldn’t you be?

CLACK! Lucas GOES FOR IT, a perfect ollie onto the rail.

Scott and Wallace watch as Lucas disappears from sight,
sparking down the ENDLESS RAIL...HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS... Cut
back to Scott & Wallace, impressed at Lucas.

SCOTT
Wow.

HSSSSSSSSS...

Cut back to Scott & Wallace, very impressed at Lucas.

SCOTT
Wow.

HSSSSSSSSS...

Cut back to Scott & Wallace. Scott’s about to say ’wow’
when- BOOOOOOOOM! A fireball appears from the bottom of the
stairs.

WALLACE
Wow, he totally bailed.

SCOTT
Yes!

Fist bump. Scott smacks his forehead.

SCOTT
I didn’t get his autograph.
70.


FIRST A.D.
Uh...that’s a wrap everybody.

SCOTT
Where’s Ramona? Is she still here?

WALLACE
No, she totally bailed.

SCOTT
What’s the deal? Seriously.
Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Scott and Ramona stumble upon the making of a movie, where they run into one of Ramona's exes, Lucas Lee, a famous action star. Lucas challenges Scott to a fight, revealing that he is one of Ramona's evil exes. Despite being overpowered by Lucas and his stuntmen, Scott ultimately defeats him and learns about the mysterious League of Evil Exes. Ramona is nowhere to be found.
Strengths "The humor and action balance well with the brief moments of romance. The introduction of the League of Evil Exes adds a new layer of intrigue to the plot."
Weaknesses "Some of the humor can be seen as juvenile, and the scene feels slightly disconnected from the main plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

While the concept of a famous action star and a movie set is not entirely original, the exaggerated action scenes and comedic dialogue give the scene a fresh and unique feel. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue add to the originality as well.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 9

Scott Pilgrim's internal goal is to impress Ramona and prove himself to her, as he becomes starstruck by Lucas Lee's fame. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance from Ramona, as well as his fear of losing her to someone more successful than him.

External Goal: 9

Scott's external goal is to meet Lucas Lee and potentially get his autograph. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being at a movie set and starstruck by a famous actor.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Scott's desire for validation and acceptance from Ramona and the idea that self-worth should not be based on external validation or material success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of the creative action sequences, comedic dialogue, and the tension between Scott and Lucas Lee. The starstruck behavior of Scott also adds an element of relatability and humor.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing the conflict between Scott and Lucas Lee, while also allowing for moments of comedic relief.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear and concise action and dialogue descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected beats for a movie set scene, with the setup and introduction of the famous actor, followed by Scott's starstruck behavior and eventual confrontation with him.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, with good pacing and comedic moments. The dialogue between the characters feels natural and authentic, and the action is clear and easy to follow.

One area that could be improved upon is the exposition surrounding the League of Evil Exes. While the scene does a good job of introducing the concept as a potential plot point, it could benefit from a bit more clarity and explanation as to what it is and why it's important. This could be achieved through additional dialogue or visual cues.

Another area for improvement might be more development of the character of Winifred Hailey. While she is ostensibly the reason for the scene being shot, she doesn't actually appear or have any lines, which makes it difficult to care about her plight or understand her importance to the story.

Overall, however, this is a strong and entertaining scene that does a good job of setting up plot and character development in a visually engaging way.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well paced and engaging, with humor and action mixed in. However, here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Add more visual description: While the action and dialogue are clear, adding more visual description can help the scene come to life even more. For example, describe the setting more, the specific movements of the characters, and how the spectators are reacting.

2. Clarify the stakes: While it's clear that Lucas Lee is an evil ex, it's not entirely clear why he's so dangerous or what specifically is at stake with him. Adding more information about the League of Evil Exes and their ultimate goal can make the conflict feel more high-stakes and urgent.

3. Develop Ramona's character further: Ramona is a bit sidelined in this scene - while her history with Lucas Lee is mentioned, she doesn't have much dialogue or action. Consider giving her a bit more agency and personality, and showing how she specifically feels about seeing Lucas again.

4. Use more specific language: While the dialogue is generally strong, some of the language could be more specific and character-driven. One example is when Scott says "Wow" repeatedly - this could be replaced with a more specific reaction that tells us more about how he's feeling.

By incorporating these suggestions, the scene can become even more engaging and memorable.



Scene 24 - Breakup Reflections
61 INT. WALLACE’S APARTMENT - DAY 61

Scott slumps on the couch, phone pressed to his ear.
Wallace cooks bacon in the kitchen (no pants). We hear the
OUTGOING MESSAGE: This is an automated voice messaging
system. RAMONA is not available, please record your message
after the beep.

SCOTT
Hey. It’s me, Scott again. Call me
back. Scott Pilgrim.
(hangs up)
What’s the deal? Seriously.

Scott ambles over to the fridge and rests his head on it.

WALLACE
Yeah, you said that last night.

SCOTT
You know what really sucks though?

WALLACE
What?

SCOTT
Everything!

WALLACE
Come on guy, you can’t say you
didn’t see this coming. It was
right under your nose.

Wallace points to t