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Scene 1 -  Tremors of Fate
INT. CAR - AFTERNOON

Rain streaks across the windshield until the wipers clear it,
revealing a busy freeway ahead.

There is an OPENED WHITE BINDER next to a MOTOROLA DYNATAC
CELL PHONE on the passenger seat.

Two hands are gripped tightly on the steering wheel. The
driver, DAVE HARLOW, (male, late 40s) sees an AIRPORT
DEPARTURE SIGN.

CELL PHONE RINGS.

Dave reaches for it quickly and answers.

DAVE HARLOW
Yes, this is Dave.

He listens closely. The sudden look of defeat on Dave’s face
seems to hint toward bad news on the other end of the
conversation.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Are you sure?
(pause)
I don’t think that’s a good-

He’s interrupted. Whatever the news may be, Dave clearly
doesn’t want to accept it.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Yes, sir.

Dave veers the car into the far left lane and spots the
AIRPORT EXIT SIGN.

He looks over at the WHITE BINDER and shuts it.

INSERT - WHITE BINDER HEADER, which reads: “NEVADO DEL RUIZ.”


INT. COLOMBIAN VILLAGE - HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Through an opened window, a LARGE STRATOVOLANCO GLOWS IN THE
DISTANCE.

SUPER: Nevado Del Ruiz - Stratovolcano - Armero, Tolima
Colombia - November 13, 1985 - 11:30pm

Lying in her bed is a little girl, OMAYRA SANCHEZ, (age 13.)


Her mother walks into the room from the hallway.

ALL DIALOGUE IN SPANISH

OMAYRA SANCHEZ
I can’t sleep.

OMAYRA’S MOTHER
What’s wrong?

Omayra looks toward her OPENED WINDOW. She points toward it
now. Her mother walks over to it slowly.

Through the window, NEVADO DEL RUIZ VOLCANO is seen glowing
and rumbling in the distance. Suddenly, the window begins to
rattle.

Her mother’s eyes grow wide right as the walls of the bedroom
begin to DISINTEGRATE AROUND THEM.

Both Omayra and her mother SCREAM as a FLOW OF THICK DARK
WATER AND MUD, MOVING AT TREMENDOUS SPEEDS, SPLIT APART THEIR
HOME IN SECONDS AND THEY ARE SWEPT AWAY.

CUT TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary In a tense scene, Dave Harlow drives on a rainy freeway, grappling with distressing news over the phone that prompts him to head to the airport. Meanwhile, in a Colombian village, young Omayra Sanchez and her mother share a moment of concern as they witness the glowing Nevado del Ruiz volcano. Their world is abruptly shattered as the ground shakes and a torrent of mud and water engulfs them, culminating in a chilling cut to black as their screams echo the impending disaster.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Effective setup of central conflict
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama if not handled carefully

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively sets up the main conflict and establishes a strong emotional connection with the characters. The transition from a mundane phone call to a life-altering event is executed with precision, creating a sense of impending doom.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of juxtaposing a personal moment with a natural disaster is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with the introduction of the central conflict and the impending disaster. The stakes are high, and the audience is immediately drawn into the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique juxtaposition of urban and rural settings, combines elements of personal struggle with a natural disaster, and uses Spanish dialogue to add authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional depth. The audience is invested in their journey from the very beginning.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes as they are faced with a life-altering event. Their reactions and decisions in this scene set the stage for their arcs throughout the screenplay.

Internal Goal: 8

Dave Harlow's internal goal in this scene seems to be related to receiving bad news and struggling to accept it. This reflects his deeper fear of facing difficult truths or realities.

External Goal: 7

Dave Harlow's external goal in this scene is to reach the airport, as indicated by his actions of driving towards the airport exit sign.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation. The emotional and physical stakes are raised significantly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and raise questions about the characters' future actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing a catastrophic event that will change their lives forever. The emotional and physical risks are palpable and add to the tension of the moment.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing the central conflict and setting the stage for the events to come. It propels the narrative forward with a sense of urgency and tension.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shift in locations, the introduction of a natural disaster, and the unexpected phone call that hints at bad news.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the struggle between accepting harsh realities (potentially related to the bad news Dave receives) and denial or avoidance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the audience feeling fear, sadness, and shock along with the characters. The tragic events unfold in a way that resonates deeply with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions of the scene. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall impact of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of suspense, emotional stakes, and visual storytelling, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, moving between the two locations at a pace that keeps the audience engaged and curious about the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup in the car setting and a shift to the Colombian village, effectively transitioning between different locations and characters.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through Dave's reaction to the phone call. However, the transition from his personal crisis to the catastrophic event in Colombia could be smoother. The abrupt shift may disorient the audience, so consider adding a visual or auditory cue that connects the two locations more cohesively.
  • The dialogue in Spanish adds authenticity to Omayra's character and her environment, but it may alienate non-Spanish-speaking audiences. Including subtitles or a brief translation could enhance accessibility without losing the cultural context.
  • The description of the volcanic eruption is vivid and impactful, but it could benefit from more sensory details. For instance, incorporating sounds (like the rumbling of the volcano or the rushing water) and smells (like sulfur or wet earth) could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The character of Omayra is introduced quickly, and while her innocence is palpable, there is little backstory or emotional depth provided. A brief moment of connection between her and her mother before the disaster strikes could heighten the emotional stakes and make the audience care more about their fate.
  • The use of the white binder as a visual motif is intriguing, but its significance is not fully explored in this scene. Consider foreshadowing its importance earlier or providing a clearer connection to the events in Colombia to enhance thematic cohesion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or interaction between Dave and a secondary character (perhaps a colleague or family member) before he receives the call. This could provide context for his emotional state and make the subsequent bad news more impactful.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the Colombian scene to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the volcano, the feeling of the ground shaking, or the smell of the rain and mud to enhance the audience's experience.
  • Introduce Omayra and her mother with a small, relatable moment that showcases their relationship, such as a shared memory or a comforting gesture. This will help the audience connect with them emotionally before the disaster unfolds.
  • To improve the transition between Dave's scene and the Colombian village, consider using a split-screen effect or a sound bridge that connects the two locations, such as the sound of the phone call fading into the rumbling of the volcano.
  • If the white binder is crucial to the plot, consider revealing its contents or significance in this scene to create intrigue and foreshadow future events. This could be done through a close-up shot or a brief line of dialogue from Dave.



Scene 2 -  Echoes of Loss
EXT. COLOMBIAN VILLAGE - MORNING

The sun begins to rise over the distant mountains barely
shining its beams through the VOLCANIC ASH CLOUD.

There are CRIES FOR HELP. BUILDINGS LAY SPLINTERED, ENCASED
IN THICK MUD THAT HAS BLANKETED THE ENTIRE VILLAGE. CARS ARE
SMASHED INTO PIECES OF TWISTED METAL. A GLIMMER OF LIGHT
REVEALS BODIES OF THE DEAD ENTANGLED IN THE WRECKAGE.

RESCUE CREWS begin to arrive. Following behind the group is a
JOURNALIST (female, mid 30s) SNAPPING PHOTOGRAPHS of the
tragedy that has just unfolded.

RESCUE WORKER
¡Aqui! ¡Sigue viva! Vamos a
sacarla.

The journalist watches a rescue worker rush over to
something. She follows behind.

Omayra Sánchez has her hand free but she’s buried up to her
neck in the thick mud and debris. The rescue worker tries
pulling her out but she doesn’t budge. He tries again but
Omayra CRIES OUT IN PAIN.


The journalist now approaches her, bends down to her level,
and takes ahold of her hand and smiles as if to tell her
everything is going to be okay.


EXT. COLOMBIAN VILLAGE - LATER

TWO HANDS REMAIN GRASPED as Omayra sings a quiet lullaby and
the journalist awaits word from the rescue workers speaking
amongst themselves inaudibly in the distance.

SUPER: Three Days Later

THE LULLABY STOPS.

The journalist turns her attention toward Omayra and that’s
when she sees the little girl’s hand go limp in hers. SHE’S
DEAD. The Journalist stands up and begins to SNAP PHOTOS.

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1. SNAPS A PHOTO OF A ROOF STICKING FROM THE MUD

2. SNAPS A PHOTO OF A CAR WRAPPED AROUND A TREE

3. SNAPS A PHOTO OF ARMS AND LEGS STICKING FROM THE MUD

The journalist turns back toward Omayra, whose eyes have gone
eerily dark, almost black. She pulls the camera up.

4. SNAPS A PHOTO OF THE NOW DECEASED OMAYRA SANCHEZ

CUT TO BLACK.


OPENING TITLES: “VOLCANO COWBOYS”

FADE IN:


INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - AFTERNOON

FOUR PICTURE FRAMES sit on a wooden shelf.

INSERT - FIRST PHOTO - A Filipino man, who will soon be known
as Ray (mid 40s) holding a GEMSTONE.

INSERT - SECOND PHOTO - Ray and his coworker, who will soon
be known as BAYANI (early 30s, also Filipino) are holding a
SEISMOMETER.

INSERT - THIRD PHOTO - Ray is standing next to another man
who will soon be known as CHRIS NEWHALL (male, Caucasian, mid
40s) and a large smoking stratovolcano in the distance.


INSERT - FOURTH PHOTO - Ray is next to his WIFE and FOUR
CHILDREN.

The shelf begins to SHAKE. The picture frames rattle. They
begin to topple over onto the floor and shatter and that’s
when a DOZEN FEET scurry past the broken glass. The entire
shelf finally collapses just as the last pair of feet scamper
by.

Ray (now in his 50s) is hunched under the dining table with
his WIFE and FOUR CHILDREN, with their arms wrapped around
him as the entire house JOLTS VIOLENTLY BACK AND FORTH.

EXPLOSIONS, SIRENS, ALARMS, SCREAMS.


INT. OLD PICKUP TRUCK - DOWNTOWN - SAME TIME

Two pairs of hands turn the wheel sharp left. BAYANI (male,
early 30s, Filipino scientist) narrowly avoids a CRASHING
STREETLIGHT. He glances out of his window and watches an
ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING COLLAPSE. People are fleeing from
the entrance as debris rains above them.

DEBRIS BLASTS at Bayani’s truck, CRACKING THE WINDSHIELD. HE
PULLS THE EMERGENCY BRAKE and exits.


EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - STREET CORNER - SAME TIME

There is so much dust and debris covering the recently
collapsed building as Bayani stares helplessly at the
wreckage.

He finally takes a step forward and rushes into the dust and
smoke. There are SCREAMS, CRIES FOR HELP, and in some
moments, TOTAL SILENCE as Bayani searches through the
towering smoldering debris pile.

Bayani suddenly stops.

Lying there in front of him, lifeless, is a WOMAN, who will
soon be revealed to be Bayani’s wife. Tears begin to well up
in Bayani’s eyes. He covers his face as he begins to sob
uncontrollably. PARAMEDICS PULL BAYANI AWAY and they all
disappear into the cloud of dust.
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary In a Colombian village ravaged by a volcanic eruption, a female journalist documents the devastation and encounters a young girl, Omayra Sánchez, trapped in mud. Despite rescue efforts, Omayra cannot be freed and sings a lullaby while holding the journalist's hand. Tragically, after three days, the journalist realizes Omayra has died. The scene concludes with haunting photographs of the wreckage and the lifeless girl, underscoring the profound loss amidst the disaster.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of tragedy
  • Character empathy
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Heavy emotional content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, evoking strong emotions and setting a somber tone. The tragic events are depicted with intensity and realism, drawing the audience into the heartbreaking aftermath of the disaster.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a natural disaster through the eyes of the characters is compelling. The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the events and the human response to tragedy.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the immediate aftermath of the disaster, showcasing the characters' struggles and the emotional impact of the events. It sets the stage for further development in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting a natural disaster, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue, and the emotional authenticity in portraying the human impact of the tragedy.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and emotions are well-portrayed, adding depth and authenticity to the scene. The audience can empathize with their pain and loss, making the characters relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, grappling with loss, grief, and resilience in the face of tragedy. Their experiences shape their development and set the stage for future arcs.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to provide comfort and reassurance to the victims of the disaster, particularly Omayra Sanchez. This reflects her deeper desire to bring hope and humanity in the face of tragedy.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to document the aftermath of the disaster and capture the human stories within it. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the crisis and the need to inform the public.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' emotional struggles to the physical challenges they face in the aftermath of the disaster. The high stakes add intensity to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges both external (the disaster itself) and internal (emotional turmoil), creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, loss, and emotional turmoil. The gravity of the disaster and its impact on the characters heighten the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the aftermath of the disaster and the emotional journey of the characters. It sets the stage for further plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected twists and turns in the narrative, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of life and death, hope and despair, and the fragility of human existence. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the face of tragedy and the role of journalism in such situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of sadness, shock, and empathy in the audience. The heartbreaking events and the characters' reactions resonate deeply with the viewers.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation. It effectively enhances the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the immediate aftermath of a disaster, evoking strong emotions and empathy for the characters involved.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, capturing the urgency and chaos of the disaster while allowing moments of emotional resonance to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the events.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the chaos and emotional intensity of the disaster, following a clear progression from the initial rescue efforts to the tragic outcome, and setting up the narrative for future developments.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tragedy, capturing the aftermath of a volcanic eruption through vivid imagery and emotional resonance. The use of the journalist as a lens through which the audience experiences the horror is a strong narrative choice, allowing for a personal connection to the tragedy.
  • However, the transition from the chaos of the village to the intimate moment between the journalist and Omayra could be more fluid. The abrupt shift in focus from the broader devastation to the singular plight of Omayra may feel jarring to the audience. Consider adding a moment that bridges these two perspectives, perhaps by showing the journalist's internal conflict as she balances her role as a reporter with her empathy for the victims.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in conveying the gravity of the situation. However, the rescue worker's line could be more impactful if it included a sense of urgency or desperation, reflecting the dire circumstances. This would enhance the emotional stakes and draw the audience deeper into the scene.
  • The series of shots capturing the aftermath is effective in conveying the scale of the disaster, but the emotional weight could be amplified by including more visceral reactions from the journalist. For instance, showing her struggle with the ethical implications of photographing the deceased could add depth to her character and the scene overall.
  • The ending, while powerful, could benefit from a more gradual build-up to the cut to black. Instead of an immediate transition after Omayra's death, consider lingering on the journalist's reaction or the haunting silence that follows, allowing the audience to fully absorb the tragedy before the scene shifts.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or conflict within the journalist as she grapples with her role in documenting the tragedy versus her emotional response to Omayra's plight. This could be shown through internal monologue or visual cues.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the rescue worker to reflect urgency, perhaps by adding a line that conveys the desperation of the situation, such as 'We need to get her out now!' This would heighten the tension and urgency.
  • Consider adding a brief moment where the journalist reflects on the implications of her work, perhaps through a flashback or a quick internal thought, to deepen her character and the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Extend the moment after Omayra's death to allow the audience to feel the weight of the loss. This could involve the journalist's reaction, showing her struggle with the reality of the situation before cutting to black.
  • Ensure that the visual elements are consistently impactful throughout the scene. For example, consider using close-ups of the journalist's face to capture her emotional turmoil as she takes the photographs, reinforcing the theme of witnessing tragedy.



Scene 3 -  Aftershocks of Grief
EXT. STREET CORNER - NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME

A DOOR OPENS on a house at the corner of the street revealing
Ray, as he slowly exists his home. Ray wipes his eyes and
sees it now. A CITY DOWNTOWN IN RUIN. BUILDINGS HAVE
COLLAPSED. CARS ARE SMASHES. SIRENS ECHO.


Ray’s family exit the house now as they slowly gather around
him.

SUPER: Quezon City, Philippines - July 16, 1990 - 4:26PM


EXT. CEMETERY - MORNING

Bayani is in tears, barely holding it together it seems as
Ray approaches him with a loving arm around his shoulder. He
pulls him close to comfort him.

INSERT - GRAVESTONE, which reads: “HANA REYES, 1952 - 1990.”


EXT. QUEZON CITY - DOWNTOWN - DAY

Entire buildings lay in waste. Seen digging through the
wreckage are Ray and Bayani.

Ray turns toward the road and sees UNITED STATES ARMY
VEHICLES driving down the road slowly to avoid the debris.
The trucks do not stop to help. Bayani watches the vehicles
drive by.

Ray sees a PHOTOGRAPH of Bayani and his wife lying on the
ground. He picks it up and turns to face Bayani.

He hands Bayani the PHOTOGRAPH. Bayani takes it and stares at
it longingly.


EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE - MORNING

HUGE JETS OF STEAM SHOOT FROM A LARGE CRACK IN THE EARTH.

Just beyond the steam, stands Ray and Bayani. Ray points
toward the FISSURES. The vents are deafening as they stare
hypnotically.

SUPER: One Year Later - April 2, 1991

Ray glances over at Bayani but Bayani remains fixated on the
fissures.

RAY
When did it start?

BAYANI
Shortly after the earthquake.

RAY
Do you think it’s connected?


BAYANI
We should look into it.

RAY
I think we need to contact the
USGS.

That gets Bayani to finally looks over at Ray, slightly
annoyed.

BAYANI
Where were they a year ago?
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary Ray emerges from his devastated home, joined by his family in mourning the destruction caused by an earthquake. He comforts Bayani, who is grieving the loss of his wife, Hana, as they search through the wreckage of Quezon City. Ray finds a photograph of Bayani and Hana, deepening their shared sorrow. A year later, they stand in a mountain range, observing fissures in the earth and discussing their connection to the earthquake, expressing frustration over the lack of support from authorities. The scene captures their emotional turmoil and unresolved grief amidst the ongoing aftermath of disaster.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Potential for pacing issues in emotional scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of the disaster and the characters' reactions to it. The dialogue is poignant, and the themes of loss and hope are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a natural disaster and its impact on the characters is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys themes of loss, grief, and resilience.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters' emotional journey in the aftermath of the disaster, highlighting their grief and resilience. The progression of the scene is engaging and impactful.

Originality: 8.5

The scene presents a fresh take on the post-apocalyptic genre by focusing on interpersonal relationships, moral dilemmas, and the search for meaning amidst chaos. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with their emotional responses to the disaster portrayed convincingly. The relationship between Ray and Bayani adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they grapple with the aftermath of the disaster, showing resilience and strength in the face of loss.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the aftermath of the disaster and find a way to move forward despite the challenges he faces. This reflects his deeper need for closure, healing, and resilience in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7.5

Ray's external goal is to investigate the cause of the destruction and potentially seek help from the USGS to address the fissures in the earth. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the post-apocalyptic world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and the devastation they face rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, particularly in the characters' differing perspectives on responsibility and action in the aftermath of the disaster.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of emotional impact, as the characters face profound loss and must find a way to cope and move forward.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional journey of the characters and setting the stage for further exploration of their experiences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and decision-making, keeping the audience on edge and eager to see how the narrative unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of responsibility and accountability in the face of disaster. Ray questions the USGS's absence during the crisis, highlighting a clash between individual agency and institutional support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, hope, and reflection in the audience. The characters' grief and resilience resonate strongly.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and effectively conveys the characters' emotions and thoughts. The conversations between Ray and Bayani reveal their bond and shared grief.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a vividly depicted world, explores complex character dynamics, and raises thought-provoking questions about responsibility, resilience, and the search for meaning in the face of catastrophe.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively balances moments of introspection and action, creating a dynamic rhythm that propels the story forward while allowing for emotional resonance and thematic exploration.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a post-apocalyptic drama, with clear scene headings, descriptive action lines, and character dialogue that advances the plot and reveals internal conflicts.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression from the initial shock of the disaster to the characters' contemplation of its implications, leading to a decision to take action. The pacing and rhythm effectively build tension and emotional resonance.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of loss and devastation, particularly through Ray's interactions with Bayani and the visual imagery of the ruined city. However, the transition between locations (from the street corner to the cemetery and then to downtown) feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain the emotional continuity.
  • The use of superimposed text to indicate time and location is a useful tool, but it could be more integrated into the narrative. Instead of a static super, consider incorporating it into the dialogue or action to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Ray and Bayani is functional but lacks depth. While it serves to advance the plot, it could benefit from more emotional resonance. Adding subtext or personal anecdotes could deepen their connection and highlight their shared grief.
  • The visual elements, such as the photograph of Bayani's wife, are poignant but could be expanded upon. Consider including a brief flashback or a moment of reflection that illustrates their relationship, which would heighten the emotional stakes when the photograph is found.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly in the transition from the cemetery to the downtown wreckage. The emotional weight of the cemetery scene is powerful, but the subsequent scene feels rushed. Allowing more time for Ray and Bayani to process their grief before moving on could enhance the impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared ritual between Ray and Bayani at the cemetery to emphasize their bond and the weight of their loss. This could serve as a poignant transition to the next scene.
  • Integrate the superimposed text more organically into the scene. For example, have Ray or Bayani mention the date or location in their dialogue, which would ground the audience in the timeline without breaking the immersion.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more emotional depth. Allow Ray and Bayani to share memories or express their feelings about the loss, which would create a stronger connection between the characters and the audience.
  • Expand on the significance of the photograph by including a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that reflects on a cherished memory. This would not only deepen the emotional impact but also provide context for Bayani's grief.
  • Adjust the pacing by allowing for moments of reflection or silence between the scenes. This could involve lingering on the devastation of the city or the emotional weight of their conversation, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 4 -  Tremors of Change
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE - MORNING

INSERT - DOOR NAMEPLATE, which reads: “CHRIS NEWHALL.”

INSERT - PHOTOGRAPH of CHRIS NEWHALL (mid 40s, and his wife,
GLENDA (mid 40’s, Filipino ethnicity) and their son (age 10)
on a desk.

BACK TO OFFICE - CHRIS NEWHALL is sitting at the desk,
skimming through a PAMPHLET. He closes it.

INSERT - PAMPHLET, which reads: “LAHARS & PYROCLASTIC FLOWS”

BACK TO OFFICE - Chris’s eyes move toward the CALENDAR on his
desk. He flips from APRIL to OCTOBER and reveals in red
sharpie written across a date, “LAST DAY IN OFFICE! FREEDOM!”

PHONE RINGS. Chris answers.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Igneous and Geothermal Processes
Branch, this is Chris-


INT. PHIVOLCS BUILDING - RAY’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Ray sits at his messy desk with papers, maps strewn about.

SUPER: Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology -
Quezon City - Philippines

RAY
It’s been awhile

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

CHRIS NEWHALL
Holy shit, Ray! How long has it
been?


RAY
Over a year.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Has it really been a year? How’s
the wife and kids?

RAY
They’re good. We’re good. Slowly
putting things back together.
(beat)
My fax, did you get it?

CHRIS NEWHALL
I did, I did, I’m sorry. I have
this conference in Washington --
Office duties. You know how it is.

RAY
Grass isn’t always greener, huh?

CHRIS NEWHALL
I have to get out of here, Ray.

RAY
Well, maybe this is your chance.

Chris finally finds the FAX and scans over it quickly.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Do you think it’s unrest with Taal?

RAY
No. We’ve been monitoring Taal.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Maybe it’s just aftershocks.

RAY
These aren’t near Luzon.

CHRIS NEWHALL
What are the coordinates?

Ray looks at a MAP on his desk, spotting it with his finger.

RAY
15.1429° North, 120.3496° East.

Chris quickly finds his PHILIPPINES TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP in his
drawer. He rolls it out showing it faded and worn. He finally
spots the location: “MOUNT PINATUBO.” He’s quiet now.


RAY (CONT’D)
Bayani thinks she might be waking
up.

CHRIS NEWHALL
He’s already back at work?

RAY
It’s all he’s got left, Chris.
(beat)
He thinks it might be big.

CHRIS NEWHALL
And what do you think?

Ray collects his thoughts.

RAY
You can call me paranoid about what
happened last year -- but if that
earthquake woke up Pinatubo...
(beat)
Sometimes the ones that have been
sleeping the longest are the most
dangerous.

Chris wasn’t prepared for this conversation right now.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In Chris Newhall's office at the USGS Headquarters, he prepares to leave his job while receiving a phone call from Ray at the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology. Their conversation shifts from personal updates to urgent concerns about potential volcanic activity at Mount Pinatubo, creating a tense atmosphere. Chris reflects on his impending departure and the seriousness of Ray's warnings, leaving him in a contemplative state as uncertainty looms over the volcano's status.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High emotional impact
  • Effective plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys tension, emotion, and seriousness through the dialogue and the characters' interactions. The discussion about the potential volcanic activity adds depth to the plot and raises the stakes significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dormant volcano potentially awakening adds a layer of suspense and danger to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the revelation of the potential volcanic activity, setting up a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its focus on geology and volcanic activity, which is a fresh approach to the thriller genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with their emotional responses and concerns about the volcano adding depth to their personalities. The interaction between Ray and Chris is particularly engaging.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional impact and the revelation of the potential danger do affect the characters' perspectives and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris Newhall's internal goal in this scene is to find a way out of his current situation and pursue a new opportunity. This reflects his deeper desire for change and freedom from his current responsibilities.

External Goal: 7.5

Chris Newhall's external goal in this scene is to discuss the potential volcanic activity with Ray and gather information about the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of assessing the volcanic threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing the potential threat of a volcanic eruption, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, as Chris grapples with the implications of the potential volcanic activity and his desire for change.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing the possibility of a catastrophic volcanic eruption that could have devastating consequences. The sense of danger is palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the threat of the volcano and setting up a major conflict that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn in the conversation about the potential volcanic activity, which adds a layer of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between duty and personal fulfillment. Chris is torn between his obligations at work and his desire for a new beginning, which challenges his beliefs about loyalty and career advancement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, especially in the conversation between Ray and Chris about the awakening volcano. The audience is likely to feel a sense of concern and tension.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is the driving force of the scene, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, concerns, and the gravity of the situation. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, the sense of urgency in the characters' interactions, and the suspenseful buildup of the volcanic threat.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that builds tension and keeps the audience engaged in the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and intercut dialogue that maintains the pacing and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through the phone conversation between Chris and Ray. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by incorporating more personal stakes for Chris, such as his feelings about leaving his family behind or the weight of the responsibility he feels towards the potential disaster at Mount Pinatubo.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, but there are moments where it could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, when Chris says, 'I have to get out of here, Ray,' it could be more powerful if he elaborated briefly on why he feels trapped, perhaps referencing the emotional toll of the past year.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the calendar and the topographical map, is effective in conveying Chris's state of mind and the gravity of the situation. However, consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the office or the weather outside, which could reflect Chris's internal turmoil.
  • The intercutting between Chris and Ray's locations is well-executed, but it might benefit from a more distinct visual contrast between the two settings. For example, showing the chaos of Ray's office compared to the sterile environment of Chris's could emphasize their differing experiences and emotional states.
  • The scene ends on a note of uncertainty, which is effective, but it could be strengthened by a more explicit emotional reaction from Chris after Ray's warning about Pinatubo. This would help to solidify the stakes and set up the tension for the following scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Chris reflects on his family and what leaving means for them, which would deepen the emotional stakes of his decision to leave the USGS.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any redundant phrases and ensuring each line serves to advance the plot or develop character. For example, instead of saying 'I have this conference in Washington -- Office duties. You know how it is,' Chris could simply say, 'I’m tied up with a conference in Washington.'
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the office, the weather outside, or even Chris's physical sensations as he processes the conversation.
  • Enhance the visual contrast between Chris's and Ray's environments to highlight their emotional states. For instance, show Ray's cluttered desk filled with maps and papers, juxtaposed with Chris's more organized but sterile workspace.
  • After Ray's warning about Pinatubo, include a moment where Chris visibly reacts—perhaps a change in his expression or a physical gesture that conveys his concern—before the scene cuts to black.



Scene 5 -  Tensions in Volcanic Monitoring
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - DAN’S OFFICE - LATER

INSERT - PLAQUE, which reads: “Dan Miller - Program Director -
Volcano Disaster Assistance Program”

BACK TO OFFICE - DAN MILLER (male, 50) is sitting at his desk
when he looks up at Chris Newhall, sitting across from him.

DAN MILLER
I understand you miss being out in
the field but sending out a warning
signal off of a whim is not how we
operate anymore.

Chris points out a specific location on the MAP OF PINATUBO.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Look at the dendritic drainage
patterns. It’s a clear sign of
large eruptions.

Dan is growing more and more annoyed. He now reaches into his
drawer and pulls out a separate TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP. He rolls
it out over the PINATUBO MAP revealing... “LONG VALLEY
CALDERA - MAMMOTH LAKES, CA”


BACK TO OFFICE - Dan points at a geographical pattern.

DAN MILLER
The Long Valley Caldera was no
different. The entire town of
Mammoth sits within it. I found
deposits as far out as Nevada,
Chris, so I get it. But you can’t
forget about the consequences of a
false alarm.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I’m not asking to evacuate any
cities or cause a panic. I’m simply
asking for permission to look into
this-

DAN MILLER
-Sometimes that’s all it takes.


INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - MONITORING ROOM - DAY

The ambient sound of monitoring equipment fills the room.

SUPER: Cascade Volcano Observatory - VDAP - Volcano Disaster
Assistance Headquarters - Vancouver, Washington.

A PEN slowly writes on a NOTEPAD. Dave Harlow (now older by a
few years and the graying beard is proof of it) glances over
at the SEISMOGRAPH DRUM. Suddenly, another NOTEBOOK is
slapped down in front of him. He looks up, revealing LOCKHART
(male, mid 30s) standing next to him.

LOCKHART
Tiltmeter measurements are off.

DAVE HARLOW
Rule number one of tiltmeters,
they’re always off. Rule number
two, never trust them. Rule number
three-

EWERT (O.S.)
-Never publish their data.

JILL EWERT (female, early 30s) is sitting at a different desk
but never turns her attention toward the other two.

LOCKHART
Okay, smartass, if you know it all,
explain to me why everyone at the
Survey calls Dave a “Meatball.”


EWERT
A “Meatball” is someone who is
experienced with volcano
emergencies-

DAVE HARLOW
-In other words, I know what the
hell I’m doing-

EWERT
-It’s also someone who has very
little published work -- or as the
common folk call it, all brawn and
no brain.

Lockhart laughs at Dave’s expense but a CRUMPLED UP BALL OF
PAPER hitting him in the back of his head quiets him up
quickly. It was his TILTMETER MEASUREMENTS.

DAVE HARLOW
Our careers have always been about
how often our names appear in
science magazines and never about
how many lives we save.

Dave looks at Lockhart.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
How many lives have you saved?

Lockhart doesn’t have an answer to that.

THE PHONE RINGS NEXT TO DAVE and he glances over at it.
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense meeting at USGS headquarters, Dan Miller and Chris Newhall clash over the urgency of investigating volcanic activity at Pinatubo, with Chris advocating for immediate action based on dendritic drainage patterns, while Dan warns against the risks of false alarms, referencing past misjudgments like the Long Valley Caldera. The scene shifts to the VDAP monitoring room, where Dave Harlow and Lockhart discuss tiltmeter measurements, highlighting the divide between scientific credibility and practical experience. The conversation underscores the high stakes of volcanic monitoring, ending with a phone call indicating a potential new development.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Effective plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more character development
  • Some dialogue could be further refined

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the urgency of the situation and the emotional impact on the characters. The dialogue is engaging and drives the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing scientific data with personal experiences and emotions in the face of a natural disaster is well-developed and adds layers to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with a clear conflict between characters' differing perspectives on the volcanic activity and the potential consequences. The scene moves the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of disaster preparedness and scientific decision-making, blending technical details with personal interactions to create a compelling narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the reality of their work.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions. The emotional impact of the situation is effectively conveyed through their interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they confront the aftermath of the volcanic eruption and the potential for another disaster. These changes add depth to their arcs and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance the desire to act on their instincts and experience with the need to follow protocol and avoid unnecessary panic. This reflects their deeper need for validation of their expertise and fear of making a mistake that could have serious consequences.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince their superior to allow them to investigate a potential volcanic eruption, despite the risks involved. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating bureaucratic procedures and gaining approval for their proposed actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between characters' differing viewpoints on the volcanic activity and the potential consequences creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is kept guessing about how the conflict will be resolved and what the consequences of the characters' actions will be.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing the potential for another volcanic disaster and the need to make critical decisions. The urgency of the situation adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected twists in their interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between intuition and established protocols in scientific decision-making. The protagonist's belief in the importance of following their instincts clashes with the need for evidence-based decision-making and adherence to established procedures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with characters grappling with loss, urgency, and the potential for further devastation. The audience is likely to be emotionally invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations while advancing the plot. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of technical detail, personal conflict, and high stakes. The dialogue is sharp and dynamic, keeping the audience invested in the characters' decisions and the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue is snappy and the action moves quickly, keeping the story moving forward and the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements, such as the maps and monitoring equipment, are effectively integrated into the description to enhance the atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between different locations and characters to build tension and advance the plot. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and focused on the central conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Dan and Chris regarding the urgency of volcanic activity at Mount Pinatubo. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, instead of just stating their positions, consider incorporating personal stakes or past experiences that inform their current perspectives, which would deepen the audience's connection to the characters.
  • The transition between Dan's office and the VDAP monitoring room feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and keep the audience engaged. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two locations, such as a visual cue or a line of dialogue that bridges the two settings.
  • The introduction of the 'Meatball' term is humorous and adds character depth, but it could be more effectively integrated into the dialogue. Instead of Lockhart simply stating it, perhaps he could use it in a context that highlights Dave's experience versus his own, which would reinforce the theme of practical experience versus academic credentials.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly in the dialogue exchanges. Some lines feel rushed, while others linger too long. A more rhythmic dialogue flow could enhance the tension and urgency of the conversation. Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain a brisk pace that reflects the high stakes of their discussion.
  • The visual elements, such as the maps and the monitoring equipment, are mentioned but not vividly described. Adding more sensory details about the environment could help immerse the audience in the scene. For example, describe the cluttered desk, the hum of the equipment, or the tension in the air as they discuss the potential disaster.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate personal stakes or backstory into the dialogue to deepen the emotional connection between characters. For example, Chris could reference a past incident that informs his urgency, while Dan could express a personal loss related to a false alarm.
  • Create a smoother transition between Dan's office and the VDAP monitoring room by adding a line of dialogue or a visual cue that connects the two settings, such as a phone call or a shared concern about the volcano.
  • Integrate the 'Meatball' term more naturally into the dialogue, perhaps by having Lockhart use it in a way that highlights the contrast between Dave's experience and his own, reinforcing the theme of practical knowledge versus academic credentials.
  • Revise the pacing of the dialogue to ensure a more consistent rhythm. Tighten lines that feel too long and ensure that the exchanges reflect the urgency of the situation, maintaining the audience's engagement.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting to create a more immersive experience. Describe the clutter of maps, the sounds of the monitoring equipment, and the overall atmosphere to draw the audience into the scene.



Scene 6 -  Tremors of Danger
INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - DAVE’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Dave rummages through his desk drawer, PHONE against his ear.

DAVE HARLOW
You know the Survey isn’t going to
put up $100,000. The equipment is
US Aid property anyway -- What
about the State Department in
Manila?


INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - CHRIS’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Chris is leaning back in his chair, hair messy, coffee mugs
spread about his desk.

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION


CHRIS NEWHALL
They have their hands full with the
Gulf War.

DAVE HARLOW
What about Ray and his team?

CHRIS NEWHALL
They don’t have the resources to
handle something this big.

DAVE HARLOW
How big are we talking?

There is a long pause.


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - CRATER - MORNING

The crater is massive, many miles wide, and a thick cloud of
volcanic smog fills the air. Bayani, wearing a GAS MASK,
holds a rope tightly in his grip, looking down the steep
crater where Ray is slowly being lowered.

Ray looks up and gives Bayani a thumbs up to continue to
lower him. Ray is holding a COSPEC DEVICE (A large
rectangular shaped equipment for reading SO2.) Ray finally
comes to a stop at a large rock shelf. He places the COSPEC
DEVICE on a TRIPOD. He begins aiming it toward the center of
the crater.

Suddenly, THE GROUND BEGINS TO SHAKE around Bayani. Ray loses
his footing and slips. Bayani loses his grip on the ROPE.

Ray slides down the crater a few meters until the ROPE
CATCHES ON A SAFETY CLIP that is embedded in the side of a
rock. Ray is now dangling, clinging to the rope.

He looks up and sees the COSPEC DEVICE teetering on the edge
of the rock shelf. It begins to shimmy forward as the
earthquake continues. Ray begins to quickly climb up hoping
to move past the COSPEC DEVICE but it’s too late.

The COSPEC DEVICE tips over the edge and FALLS VIOLENTLY
toward Ray, who thinks quickly and pushes himself off a rock
to gain enough leverage to narrowly avoid getting smashed by
the device. The COSPEC DEVICE crashes to the bottom of the
crater.

Bayani finally extends out his hand and grabs Ray and pulls
him back to his feet at the crest of the crater. They both
take a huge sigh of relief.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Dave discusses funding challenges for a volcanic project while Chris updates him on resource limitations due to the Gulf War. The focus shifts to Mount Pinatubo, where Ray is lowered into the crater with a COSPEC device. An earthquake strikes, causing Ray to dangle precariously as the device threatens to fall. In a dramatic moment, Bayani rescues Ray just in time, but the unresolved issue of funding looms over their mission.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotionally resonant character interactions
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further refined for added impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, emotion, and action to create a gripping sequence that keeps the audience engaged. The high stakes and character dynamics add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a volcanic eruption and its immediate impact on the characters is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation that propels the narrative forward. The conflict and stakes are heightened, keeping the audience invested.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation of a scientific mission in a dangerous environment, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The writer's voice brings a fresh perspective to the familiar genre of scientific exploration.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the volcanic eruption reveal their resilience and determination in the face of danger. The emotional depth of their interactions adds layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, as they confront the immediate danger and display courage and determination in the face of adversity. Their experiences shape their growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to secure resources and support for a potentially dangerous mission. This reflects their deeper need for validation and success in their work, as well as their fear of failure and the consequences of not being able to complete the mission.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information about the volcanic activity at Mount Pinatubo. This reflects the immediate challenge they're facing in terms of conducting their research and ensuring the safety of their team.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing physical danger and emotional turmoil. The life-threatening situation intensifies the stakes and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the earthquake creating a life-threatening situation that the protagonist must navigate in order to succeed in their mission.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with characters risking their lives to gather crucial data amidst the volcanic eruption. The danger and uncertainty amplify the tension and drama of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a critical moment of crisis that tests the characters' strength and resolve. The events at the volcano set the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden earthquake and the life-threatening situation it creates for the characters, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the need for scientific exploration and the limitations of resources and support. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of their work and the value of scientific discovery.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters' peril and resilience tug at the heartstrings. The sense of relief and hope amidst the chaos adds depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with characters communicating vital information amidst the chaos. The exchanges between characters feel authentic and impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines office politics with a high-stakes scientific mission, keeping the audience invested in the outcome and the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment in the crater that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and a build-up of tension leading to the climactic moment in the crater.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the intercutting between Dave's phone conversation and the precarious situation Ray finds himself in at the crater. This technique keeps the audience engaged and heightens the stakes as they see the consequences of the conversation unfold in real-time.
  • However, the dialogue in the phone conversation could be more dynamic. Currently, it feels somewhat expository and lacks emotional weight. Consider incorporating more urgency or frustration in Dave's tone, reflecting the high stakes of the situation they are discussing.
  • The transition from the office to the crater is visually striking, but the shift could be smoother. The abrupt change in setting might benefit from a brief moment that connects the two locations, perhaps a line from Dave that foreshadows the danger Ray is about to face.
  • The earthquake sequence is well-executed, creating a sense of immediate danger. However, the description of Ray's actions could be more vivid. Instead of stating he 'loses his footing,' consider using more sensory details to convey the chaos of the moment, such as the ground rumbling beneath him or the dust and debris flying around.
  • The climax of the scene, where the COSPEC DEVICE falls, is thrilling but could be enhanced by emphasizing Ray's internal thoughts or fears during the moment. This would deepen the audience's connection to his character and heighten the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue in the phone conversation to include more emotional stakes. For example, have Dave express frustration or desperation about the funding situation, which would mirror the urgency of Ray's situation.
  • Consider adding a transitional line or visual cue that connects the phone call to the crater scene, such as Dave mentioning the potential consequences of not acting quickly, which would foreshadow Ray's danger.
  • Enhance the sensory details during the earthquake sequence to immerse the audience in the chaos. Describe the sounds, sights, and feelings Ray experiences as he struggles to maintain his footing.
  • Incorporate Ray's internal monologue during the climax of the scene to provide insight into his fears and motivations. This could be a brief thought about the importance of the COSPEC DEVICE or his determination to succeed despite the danger.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene maintains a sense of urgency throughout. Consider tightening the dialogue and descriptions to keep the momentum flowing, especially during the earthquake sequence.



Scene 7 -  Urgent Warnings
INT. PHIVOLCS BUILDING - RAY'S OFFICE - DAY

INSERT - TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP, which reads: “KRAKATOA VOLCANO”

BACK TO OFFICE - Ray’s fingers scan across the dendritic
drainage systems as his other hand holds a PHONE.

RAY
Krakatoa had 13,000 times the
nuclear yield of the Little Boy
bomb. It dropped the Earth’s
temperature for five years, Chris.

Ray puts the MAP of PINATUBO next to the MAP of KRAKATOA and
the similarities are clear.

RAY (CONT’D)
Pinatubo is not only the same size
but shares almost the same
historical patterns. When they
erupt it’s not just local damage.
It’s global.


INT. CHRIS’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME TIME

Chris glances over from the PHONE and sees his wife Glenda
helping their son with his homework at the kitchen table. He
turns his attention back toward the phone.

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

CHRIS NEWHALL
What’s the population of Angeles
City?

RAY
300,000 and 20,000 at Clark Air
Base but that’s an estimate -- They
won’t return my calls.

CHRIS NEWHALL
What are the rates now?

RAY
30 to 180 earthquakes a day -- I’m
ready to order an evacuation six
miles out.

CHRIS NEWHALL
You have to slow down. As far as we
know it could simply be purely
hydrothermal-


RAY
-Or the ascent of magma.

Both are quiet for a moment.

CHRIS NEWHALL
We can’t jump to conclusions.

RAY
We need the VDAP.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I can’t just drop everything and go
to the Philippines!

Chris looks over toward the kitchen table and just as he
suspected, Glenda has her attention toward him now.

RAY
We need you here, Chris.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In Ray's office at PHIVOLCS, he urgently discusses the potential volcanic threat of Krakatoa with Chris, who is hesitant to act quickly, suggesting the situation may be less severe. The conversation highlights the tension between Ray's call for immediate evacuation due to historical precedents and Chris's cautious approach, balancing family responsibilities with professional obligations. The scene captures the high stakes of the volcanic threat and the unresolved conflict between urgency and caution.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited visual elements
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and urgency through the dialogue and the contrasting perspectives of Ray and Chris, setting up the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption. The emotional weight of the situation is palpable, drawing the audience in.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, centered around the impending volcanic eruption and the differing viewpoints of the characters, is compelling and drives the narrative forward. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and stakes of the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as the characters discuss the potential eruption and the need for action. The scene sets up the central conflict of the story and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the scientific aspects of volcanic activity and the personal dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray and Chris are well-developed in this scene, with distinct personalities and conflicting viewpoints that add depth to the narrative. Their interactions drive the tension and emotional resonance of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ray and Chris undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and priorities during the scene, as they grapple with the impending disaster and the need for decisive action. Their character arcs are further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision about ordering an evacuation based on the information he has gathered. This reflects his deeper need to protect lives and prevent a potential disaster.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather accurate information about the volcanic activity in order to make an informed decision about ordering an evacuation. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potential natural disaster.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, driven by the differing viewpoints of Ray and Chris regarding the volcanic eruption. The urgency and stakes are heightened, creating a sense of imminent danger and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face conflicting opinions and the pressure to make a difficult decision. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters confront the possibility of a catastrophic volcanic eruption that could have global consequences. The urgency and danger of the situation are palpable, heightening the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the imminent threat of the volcanic eruption, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting up the central conflict. It propels the narrative towards a critical turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters are faced with a complex decision that could have far-reaching consequences, and the outcome is uncertain.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between taking immediate action based on available data and waiting for more information before making a decision. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of acting quickly in a crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, particularly in conveying the fear, determination, and urgency of the characters facing the threat of a volcanic eruption. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and crucial in conveying the urgency and emotional weight of the situation. The exchanges between Ray and Chris reveal their motivations, fears, and the escalating conflict effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines scientific information with personal drama, creating a sense of urgency and emotional investment for the audience.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and intercutting between locations. It follows the expected format for a scene in this genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conveys important information through the characters' dialogue and actions. It follows the expected format for a scene in this genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension regarding the potential eruption of Mount Pinatubo. Ray's dialogue about Krakatoa and its global impact serves to heighten the stakes, making the audience aware of the catastrophic consequences that could arise from a similar event. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight; while the facts are compelling, adding personal stakes for Ray—perhaps a mention of his family or community—could deepen the audience's connection to his urgency.
  • The intercutting between Ray's office and Chris's home is a strong choice, as it juxtaposes the professional urgency of the volcanic threat with the domestic life of Chris. However, the transition could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two settings more effectively, such as a sound from the phone call that carries over into Chris's environment, emphasizing the intrusion of work into his personal life.
  • The dialogue between Ray and Chris is informative but can feel a bit expository. While it's important to convey the necessary information about the volcano and the situation, consider incorporating more subtext or conflict in their conversation. For instance, Chris's reluctance to act could stem from a personal experience or fear, which would add depth to his character and make the stakes feel more immediate.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the tension. While the maps are a good visual aid, consider incorporating more dynamic actions or reactions from Ray as he discusses the potential disaster. For example, showing him pacing or visibly distressed could help convey his emotional state and the gravity of the situation.
  • The ending line, 'We need you here, Chris,' feels somewhat abrupt. It could be more impactful if it were tied to a specific reason or emotional plea from Ray, reinforcing the urgency of the situation and Chris's role in it. This would also serve to heighten the stakes and create a more compelling cliffhanger as the scene transitions.
Suggestions
  • Add a personal element to Ray's dialogue to enhance emotional stakes. For example, he could mention his family or community's vulnerability to the eruption, making his urgency more relatable.
  • Consider using a sound or visual cue to create a smoother transition between Ray's office and Chris's home, emphasizing the connection between their professional and personal lives.
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal Chris's reluctance to act. This could involve a backstory or personal fear that makes his hesitation more understandable and relatable.
  • Introduce more dynamic actions or reactions from Ray during the conversation to visually convey his emotional state and the urgency of the situation, such as pacing or gesturing emphatically.
  • Revise the ending line to include a specific reason for needing Chris's help, which would reinforce the urgency and create a stronger emotional impact as the scene concludes.



Scene 8 -  Tremors of Concern
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - PATTY LIPMAN’S OFFICE - LATER

INSERT - GOLD NAMEPLATE, which reads: “PATTY LIPMAN - USGS
BRANCH CHIEF - VOLCANO HAZARD DEPARTMENT”

BACK TO OFFICE - PATTY LIPMAN (female, early 40s) is sitting
at her desk, clearly aggravated based on her demeanor.

PATTY LIPMAN
The Survey doesn’t want another
misstep.

DAN MILLER
I gave Mammoth Lakes a 1%
probability of an eruption -- the
same likelihood as an 8.0
earthquake on the San Andreas Fault
-- The lowest level of alert!

Dan TOSSES A NEWSPAPER at Patty Lipman.

INSERT - NEWSPAPER - LA TIMES, which reads: “Mammoth Lakes,
CA Destined For Eruption!”

BACK TO OFFICE - Patty Lipman has nothing to say about it.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
The LA Times took my words and
printed fiction. I never meant to
cause a panic.


PATTY LIPMAN
Explain that to the businesses that
went bankrupt.

DAN MILLER
Did you know a Mammoth real estate
agent told me I should watch what
I’m saying because somebody would
put a bomb in my car?
(beat)
I know what it’s like to make a
mistake. But I also know what it
takes to get it right.

Patty slides a few PAPERS to Dan. He looks down at them at
the information listed. Patty reads it out loud.

PATTY LIPMAN
Mexico, Guatemala, Costa Rica.
They’ve already sent out inquiries
for VDAP assistance. If those
inquiries turn into formal
requests... We have enough to worry
about on our own continent.

Dan has a look of defeat.


INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - CLARK AIR BASE - NIGHT

COLONEL STUDER (male, mid 40s, neatly dressed) is sitting at
his dining table across from his WIFE (age 40) and his SON
(age 10.)

SUPER: Clark Air Base - Philippines - 3 Miles West of Angeles
City

COLONEL STUDER’S WIFE
Janice said her husband saw more
smoke coming from the mountain.

COLONEL STUDER’S SON
Billy said he saw cracks in the
road.

COLONEL STUDER
Local Filipino geologists have
called but the general is refusing
to take a meeting with them.

COLONEL STUDER’S WIFE
Janice said the air may be toxic
around the mountain and maybe even
unsafe here.


COLONEL STUDER’S SON
Billy said lava could reach our
house.

Colonel Studer takes an aggressive drink of his wine then
clears his throat.

COLONEL STUDER
Both of you need to stop hanging
out with the Millers.

There’s a quiet moment but the son breaks the silence again.

COLONEL STUDER’S SON
Do you know anything about
volcanoes, dad?

Colonel Studer finishes chewing.

COLONEL STUDER
No. I do not.

COLONEL STUDER’S SON
Then maybe you should call someone
that does.

THE TABLE BEGINS TO SHAKE from a very mild earthquake
startling the family. It ends quickly.


EXT. CHRIS’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Chris is throwing a baseball with his son.

CHRIS’S SON
Mom says Uncle Ray is in trouble.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Uncle Ray is just having some
trouble with an angry volcano.

CHRIS’S SON
Are people going to get hurt?

Chris hesitates to answer.

GLENDA (O.S.)
(yelling)
It’s for you!

Chris turns his head, sees Glenda hanging halfway outside the
backdoor, holding the PHONE.

Chris is accidentally smacked in the head with the BASEBALL.


INT. CHRIS'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Chris holds an ICE PACK against his head while holding the
PHONE in the other.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - COLONEL STUDER’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Colonel Studer is now holding the PHONE.

COLONEL STUDER
How soon can you get here?

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

Chris wasn’t ready for that question.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I think it would be a good idea to
contact the local Filipino
geologists first.

COLONEL STUDER
I’m not asking them. I’m asking
you. What exactly do you need?
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary In a tense meeting at the USGS headquarters, Patty Lipman expresses frustration over the fallout from Dan Miller's statements about volcanic activity in Mammoth Lakes, which have led to public panic and business bankruptcies. Dan defends his assessment of a low eruption probability, blaming sensationalist media. Meanwhile, Colonel Studer at home dismisses his family's fears about the volcano, but is challenged by his son to seek expert advice. The scene culminates in a mild earthquake that startles the family, and ends with Studer demanding Chris Newhall's presence without consulting local geologists, highlighting the urgency and miscommunication surrounding the volcanic threat.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling conflict
  • Authentic character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Limited visual descriptions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, setting up high stakes and conflict while advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing scientific caution with the need for immediate action in the face of a potential disaster is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, focusing on the escalating concerns and decisions made by the characters as they navigate the threat of a volcanic eruption.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges of predicting and responding to volcanic activity, blending scientific accuracy with personal and professional stakes. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions reflect the complexities of their roles.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their reactions to the unfolding events feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and decisions as they grapple with the escalating crisis, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Patty Lipman's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her professional reputation and credibility in the face of public backlash and potential disaster. This reflects her deeper need for validation and competence in her role as Branch Chief of the Volcano Hazard Department.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prevent a volcanic eruption and mitigate the potential damage to businesses and communities. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in dealing with the threat of disaster.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with characters facing internal and external challenges that heighten the tension and stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that test their beliefs, decisions, and relationships, adding complexity and depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption and the potential consequences of their decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, escalating the conflict, and deepening the characters' involvement in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character motivations and the shifting dynamics of responsibility and accountability in the face of disaster.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific accuracy and public perception. Dan Miller's commitment to data-driven decisions clashes with the sensationalism of the media and the impact on public safety and economic stability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly due to the high stakes and the characters' personal connections to the unfolding crisis.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and conflict present in the scene, driving the narrative forward and revealing the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, realistic dialogue, and well-paced interactions that keep the reader invested in the characters' decisions and conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the reader engaged and eager to see how the conflicts will unfold.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a high-tension, dialogue-driven sequence, effectively building suspense and conflict through character interactions and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the tension at USGS Headquarters with the personal stakes faced by Colonel Studer and his family. This contrast highlights the broader implications of volcanic activity, but it could benefit from a more seamless transition between the two settings to enhance narrative flow.
  • Patty Lipman's frustration is palpable, but her character could be further developed. Providing a brief backstory or motivation for her urgency could deepen her emotional stakes and make her conflict with Dan Miller more compelling.
  • Dan Miller's dialogue about the LA Times article is strong, but it could be enhanced by showing more of his emotional response to the consequences of his words. This would create a more relatable character and allow the audience to empathize with his predicament.
  • The dialogue between Colonel Studer and his family feels somewhat expository. While it serves to convey information about the volcano, it could be more natural. Consider incorporating subtext or conflict in their conversation to make it feel more organic and engaging.
  • The earthquake at the end of the scene serves as a good dramatic device, but it could be more impactful if it were foreshadowed earlier in the scene. Building tension leading up to the earthquake would heighten the sense of urgency and danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Patty Lipman reflects on her past experiences with volcanic crises to provide context for her current frustration. This could help the audience understand her motivations better.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Colonel Studer and his family by introducing a disagreement or differing opinions about the volcano's threat. This could create more tension and showcase the family's dynamics.
  • Incorporate visual elements that reflect the emotional stakes of the characters, such as close-ups of their expressions during tense moments, to draw the audience into their emotional experiences.
  • To improve the transition between the USGS Headquarters and Colonel Studer's home, consider using a visual motif or sound cue that links the two scenes, reinforcing the connection between the professional and personal stakes.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Chris when he receives the call from Colonel Studer. This could illustrate his struggle between professional duty and personal concerns, making his character more relatable.



Scene 9 -  The Weight of Ambition
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - CHRIS’S OFFICE - MORNING

A FAX MACHINE IS PRINTING. Chris quickly retrieves it and
begins to read it out-loud to the PHONE.

CHRIS NEWHALL
“This mission asks that you come to
the Philippines to help us with
Mount Pinatubo. We have a maximum
of $20,000 for this effort. Do not
feel that you have to spend it
all.”

Chris laughs.


INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - DAVE’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Dave is not laughing. He places the PHONE on his forehead in
frustration. He speaks to it again.

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION


DAVE HARLOW
Well, if you’re going through with
it, you’re going to need to deploy
equipment that may never be
returned and before you even get
your plane ticket you’re already
$80,000 in the red.

CHRIS NEWHALL
That’s why I need your help
convincing him.

He hits his forehead with the phone.


INT. CHRIS’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

A SUITCASE ROLLS ALONG THE FLOOR. Chris stops short of the
door and spots Glenda sitting at the table.

CHRIS NEWHALL
One month. That’s it.

GLENDA
You’re lying. You have no idea how
long you’ll be gone.

Glenda glances outside the backyard and sees her son throwing
the baseball up in the air to himself.

GLENDA (CONT’D)
Are you going to tell him?

CHRIS NEWHALL
Do you think this isn’t hard for
me?

GLENDA
It’s hard for him -- for us!
(beat)
Ever since you’ve been back in the
office you’ve been looking for an
excuse to get back out in the
field. It looks like you got your
wish.

CHRIS NEWHALL
You have family there - Ray’s
family -- You know he wouldn’t have
called if this wasn’t big.
(beat)
I have to go.


GLENDA
Then go.

Chris turns away and leaves, looking outside the window at
his son one last time.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Chris Newhall receives a fax about a $20,000 mission to Mount Pinatubo, which he excitedly shares with his colleague Dave Harlow. However, Dave expresses frustration over the financial risks involved. At home, Chris's wife Glenda confronts him about the potential length of his absence and its impact on their family, particularly their son. Despite her concerns, Chris feels compelled to accept the mission, highlighting the conflict between his professional ambitions and family responsibilities. The scene concludes with Chris looking out the window at his son, torn between duty and family.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively balances emotional depth with a sense of urgency, setting up a compelling narrative arc and introducing key plot points.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing personal relationships with professional responsibilities in the face of a natural disaster is compelling and sets up a strong foundation for future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing a crucial mission and highlighting the protagonist's internal struggle. It sets the stage for the upcoming challenges and conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of balancing work and family, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicts. The scene effectively showcases the protagonist's dilemma and sets up potential character growth in the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant internal change in this scene, moving from reluctance to acceptance of the mission. This sets up potential growth and development for the character.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile his desire to help with the mission in the Philippines with the impact it will have on his family. It reflects his deeper need for purpose and fulfillment in his work while also grappling with the fear of causing strain on his relationships.

External Goal: 7

Chris's external goal is to convince Dave to help with the mission in the Philippines despite the financial risks involved. It reflects the immediate challenge of securing support for the mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the protagonist's struggle between personal obligations and professional responsibilities. It sets up the larger external conflict of addressing the volcanic threat.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with financial risks, family dynamics, and professional obligations creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, both personally for the protagonist in terms of family relationships and professionally in addressing the volcanic threat. It creates a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a critical mission and highlighting the protagonist's internal conflict. It sets up key plot points and establishes a sense of urgency.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of how Chris will navigate the conflicting demands of work and family, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between professional duty and personal responsibilities. Chris's commitment to his work clashes with his duty towards his family, highlighting the values of sacrifice and dedication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in relation to the protagonist's dilemma and the impending mission. It sets a poignant tone for the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves the purpose of driving the conflict and revealing character dynamics. It effectively conveys the emotional stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and the high stakes involved in balancing personal and professional responsibilities.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and intercutting to enhance the pacing and intensity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-structured format with clear transitions between locations and characters, effectively building tension and emotional stakes.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Chris's professional obligations with his personal life, highlighting the emotional stakes involved in his decision to leave for the Philippines. However, the transition between the professional and personal settings could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the phone conversation to the kitchen scene may disrupt the flow and emotional impact. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to bridge these two environments more seamlessly.
  • Chris's dialogue conveys urgency and conflict, but Glenda's responses could be more emotionally charged to reflect the gravity of the situation. Her frustration is evident, yet it could be deepened with more specific examples of how Chris's work has affected their family life. This would enhance the audience's empathy for her character and the stakes of Chris's decision.
  • The use of intercutting between Chris and Dave's conversation is effective in maintaining tension, but the pacing could be improved. The dialogue feels somewhat rushed, particularly in the transition from Chris's laughter to Dave's frustration. Allowing for brief pauses or reactions could heighten the emotional weight of their exchanges.
  • While the scene establishes the conflict between professional duty and family obligations, it lacks a clear resolution or turning point. Chris's decision to leave feels somewhat abrupt. Adding a moment of reflection or hesitation from Chris could create a more compelling internal struggle, making his eventual choice to leave more impactful.
  • The scene ends with Chris looking outside at his son, which is a strong visual moment. However, it could be enhanced by incorporating a more poignant line of dialogue or a specific memory that Chris recalls, reinforcing the emotional stakes and his internal conflict. This would leave the audience with a stronger emotional resonance as the scene concludes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual or auditory transition when shifting from the phone conversation to the kitchen scene to create a smoother flow.
  • Deepen Glenda's emotional responses by incorporating specific examples of how Chris's work has impacted their family life, enhancing audience empathy.
  • Allow for brief pauses or reactions in the dialogue to improve pacing and heighten emotional tension between Chris and Dave.
  • Introduce a moment of reflection or hesitation from Chris before he decides to leave, creating a more compelling internal struggle.
  • Incorporate a poignant line of dialogue or a specific memory for Chris as he looks outside at his son, reinforcing the emotional stakes of his decision.



Scene 10 -  Tensions Over Team Selection
INT. BAR - NIGHT

Two beers are placed on the table as Dan Miller sits across
from Chris and Dave.

DAN MILLER
Who has to break the news why all
the tiltmeters are in the
Philippines?

DAVE HARLOW
Nobody is going to miss those
anyway.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I already have my team selected,
Dan. Lockhart, Ewert-

DAVE HARLOW
(surprised)
-No -- Ewert’s staying with me.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I need you both.

DAVE HARLOW
This is my last chance at salvaging
my career, Chris. If we don’t get
this published-

CHRIS NEWHALL
-I don’t want this to be another
Armero tragedy either. You were the
point man-

DAVE HARLOW
-Don’t even go there with me! I was
on my way to the airport when the
Survey pulled the plug-

CHRIS NEWHALL
-And I don’t want to make that same
mistake!


DAVE HARLOW
Take Lockhart. He knows these
instruments well and you’ll need
his energy. But Ewert and I -- I’m
sorry, Chris.

DAN MILLER
So you have a team of two-

CHRIS NEWHALL
-Three.
(beat)
Rick Hoblitt.

DAN MILLER
Bullshit. He won’t agree to it.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I have family there, Dan. Please.

Dan lowers his head. He understands what is at stake.

DAN MILLER
Look, I’ll buy you a little bit of
time but if I can’t get approval
before the Survey finds out you’re
already there -- It’s over. And I
don’t just mean this mission, I’m
talking about our careers. If we
fuck this up it’s over for all of
us.

Dan Miller gets out of his seat and begins to walk away but
stops. He turns back.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
And do yourself a favor, keep Rick
Hoblitt out of this. His days
chasing after angry volcanoes are
over.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense bar discussion, Dan Miller mediates a conflict between Chris Newhall and Dave Harlow over team selection for a critical mission involving tiltmeters in the Philippines. Chris insists on including Ewert, while Dave argues for Lockhart, prioritizing his own career interests. As they grapple with the urgency of obtaining mission approval, Dan warns them of the potential consequences for their careers and advises Chris to exclude Rick Hoblitt from the mission.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of visual variety in the setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the urgency and pressure faced by the characters, setting up a crucial turning point in the story. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of team selection for a critical mission is compelling and drives the narrative forward. The scene effectively explores the personal stakes involved in the characters' choices.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the characters grapple with crucial decisions that will impact their careers and the mission's success. The scene sets up important conflicts and foreshadows future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of career pressure and team dynamics in a high-stakes environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct motivations and conflicts that drive their actions. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant internal conflict and decision-making processes, leading to potential changes in their relationships and future actions.

Internal Goal: 9

Dan Miller's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his team's integrity and reputation while navigating the challenges presented by Chris and Dave's conflicting priorities. His deeper need is to ensure the success of the mission and protect his team's careers.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to secure approval for the mission before the Survey finds out they are already in the Philippines. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining secrecy and avoiding potential career-ending consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, stemming from the characters' personal ambitions, loyalty, and the pressure of the mission. It creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting priorities, shifting alliances, and high stakes creating obstacles for the characters to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face career-defining choices that could impact their professional reputations and the success of the mission. The decisions made will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing critical decisions and conflicts that will have a lasting impact on the characters and the mission. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, conflicting priorities, and unexpected decisions made by the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal ambition and loyalty to the team. Dave's desire to salvage his career clashes with Chris's need for a successful mission and Dan's commitment to the team's integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and personal sacrifices. The tension and stakes are palpable, drawing viewers in.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting priorities. It effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting motivations, and sharp dialogue that create tension and suspense. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and the outcome of their decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that maintain the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay. The clear delineation of characters' dialogue and actions enhances readability and comprehension.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-driven, tension-filled sequence in a screenplay. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between personal ambition and professional responsibility, particularly through Dave's insistence on keeping Ewert with him for his career's sake. This conflict is relatable and adds depth to the characters' motivations. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about the consequences of their decisions, particularly regarding the tiltmeters and the potential for disaster if they are not monitored properly.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the urgency of the situation, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, while Dave's desire to salvage his career is clear, exploring his emotional state or past failures could add layers to his character. This would make his conflict with Chris more poignant, as it would not just be about career ambitions but also about personal redemption.
  • Dan Miller's role as the mediator is crucial, but his character could be fleshed out more. His understanding of the stakes is evident, yet his motivations for wanting to keep Rick Hoblitt out of the mission are not fully explored. Adding a line or two that hints at his past experiences with Rick could enhance the tension and provide a clearer rationale for his stance.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transitions between dialogue could be smoother. For example, when Chris mentions needing both Dave and Ewert, a brief pause or reaction from Dan could emphasize the weight of the decision and the tension in the room. This would allow the audience to feel the gravity of the situation more acutely.
  • The setting of a bar at night is effective for creating a casual yet tense atmosphere, but it could be utilized more. Consider incorporating visual elements that reflect the characters' emotional states, such as dim lighting or the sounds of the bar, to enhance the mood. This would help ground the scene in its environment and make the stakes feel more immediate.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief flashback or mention of past failures related to the tiltmeters or volcanic activity to deepen Dave's character and his motivations. This could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue, allowing characters to imply their feelings rather than stating them outright. This can create a richer interaction and engage the audience more effectively.
  • Expand on Dan Miller's character by including a line that hints at his past experiences with Rick Hoblitt, which would clarify his motivations and add depth to the conflict.
  • Consider adding pauses or reactions between lines of dialogue to enhance the tension and pacing of the scene. This can help the audience absorb the weight of the decisions being made.
  • Utilize the bar setting more effectively by incorporating sensory details that reflect the characters' emotional states, such as the ambiance, background noise, or even the drinks they are consuming, to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 11 -  Eruption Excitement
EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HILLSIDE - MORNING

INSERT - NOTEBOOK, which reads: “6:26am - Summit not visible.
At least rain stopped.”

BACK TO HILLSIDE - RICK HOBLITT (early 30s, shaggy hair)
stops writing because his stool begins to wobble. He looks up
at the SUMMIT OF MOUNT ST. HELENS just as the clouds begin to
part.

SUPER: Coldwater Observation Post - Mount St. Helens - 10
Years Earlier - Spring 1980


STEAM SUDDENLY SHOOTS FROM THE TOP OF THE VOLCANO.

RICK HOBLITT
Holy shit!

Rick grabs the RADIO as he watches the STEAM shoot from the
crater.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
This is Coldwater, we have our
first eruption, over!

A small smile sneaks onto Rick’s face.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
(to himself)
It’s one hell of a show.


EXT. COLORADO GEOLOGICAL SURVEY - OFFICE - MORNING

INSERT - DOOR NAMEPLATE, which reads: “DWIGHT RAYMOND
CRANDELL” but the DWIGHT and RAYMOND is covered in WHITE TAPE
and written over it is: “ROCKY.”

SUPER: Colorado Geological Survey - Denver Colorado

Dan Miller (10 years younger, longer hair, less grays) is
standing in the corner of the office while ROCKY (male, late
50s) is seated at his desk.

ROCKY
Do you realize you’re the only
person in the world hoping for this
volcano to explode?

DAN MILLER
I have been staring at a rock under
a microscope for six months.

Rocky laughs. A PHONE RING interrupts them. Rocky answers.

ROCKY
(talking to the phone)
This is Rocky.
(pause)
I thought the earthquake was 15
miles north? Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell
him.

ROCKY (CONT’D)
(looking at Dan now)
Mullineaux said Mount St. Helens
had a small eruption.


Dan starts doing a little jig from pure excitement.

ROCKY (CONT’D)
(talking to the phone)
Yeah, he’s excited. He’s dancing.
Yeah, actually dancing, I’m not
kidding.

Rocky hangs up. He looks at Dan continuing to dance.

ROCKY (CONT’D)
Okay, can you stop now?
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary At Mount St. Helens, geologist Rick Hoblitt excitedly observes a sudden steam eruption from the volcano, promptly reporting it over the radio. Meanwhile, at the Colorado Geological Survey office, Dan Miller joyfully dances in response to the news, while Rocky humorously comments on Dan's enthusiasm, contrasting with his own more cautious demeanor. The scene captures the mix of excitement and humor surrounding the volcanic activity, highlighting differing attitudes among the characters.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective blend of humor and informative elements
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character change
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and effectively conveys the excitement and anticipation of a volcanic eruption. The blend of humor and informative elements adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of capturing the excitement and anticipation of a volcanic eruption is well-executed, with a good balance of humor and informative elements.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene effectively sets up the eruption event, with a clear focus on the characters' reactions and the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the depiction of a volcanic eruption, focusing on the personal reactions of the characters involved in scientific research. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are engaging and well-developed, with distinct personalities that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character change in this scene, the anticipation and excitement build towards potential changes in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to witness and document the eruption of Mount St. Helens. This reflects his deeper desire for adventure, excitement, and a sense of accomplishment in his scientific career.

External Goal: 9

Dan's external goal is to receive confirmation of the eruption of Mount St. Helens, which he has been eagerly anticipating. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his research and the challenges he faces in his scientific work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some conflict present, the scene's focus is more on anticipation and excitement rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing the challenge of a volcanic eruption and the potential risks involved in their scientific work. The audience is kept on edge about the outcome of the event.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, with the potential impact of the eruption on the characters and their surroundings.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively sets up the eruption event and moves the story forward by building anticipation and excitement.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it blends moments of humor with the tension of a natural disaster, keeping the audience on their toes about how the characters will react to the eruption.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific curiosity and the potential danger of natural disasters. This challenges the protagonists' beliefs in the pursuit of knowledge and the risks involved in their work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a sense of excitement and anticipation, with moments of humor adding emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, with a good mix of humor and informative elements that drive the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of suspense, humor, and personal stakes, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences and reactions to the volcanic eruption.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, moving seamlessly between the different locations and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, making it easy to follow the action and dialogue. The use of inserts and supers enhances the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and excitement as the eruption unfolds. The flashback to the past event adds depth to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of excitement and urgency with Rick's reaction to the eruption. However, the transition from the past to the present could be clearer. The use of the superimposed text indicating the time and place is helpful, but the emotional stakes could be heightened by showing more of Rick's internal thoughts or feelings about the eruption, rather than just his excitement.
  • The dialogue between Rocky and Dan is humorous and adds a light-hearted tone, which contrasts nicely with the tension of the volcanic activity. However, it might benefit from a bit more context about their relationship and the stakes involved. Why is Dan so eager for the volcano to erupt? Adding a line or two that hints at his motivations could deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • The scene shifts between two locations (Mount St. Helens and the Colorado Geological Survey office) but lacks a strong visual or thematic connection between them. Consider using a visual motif or a thematic element that ties Rick's excitement at the volcano with Dan's anticipation in the office, perhaps through parallel actions or mirrored dialogue.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Rick's excitement to the office scene could be smoother. The abrupt cut from the eruption to the office feels jarring. A more gradual transition, perhaps by lingering on Rick's reaction a moment longer or incorporating a sound cue that carries over into the next scene, could enhance the flow.
  • The humor in Rocky's dialogue is effective, but it could be amplified by showing Dan's physical reactions more vividly. Instead of just stating that Dan is dancing, describe his movements in a way that conveys his joy and excitement, making it more visual and engaging for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Rick as he witnesses the eruption, which could provide insight into his character and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Enhance the connection between the two locations by incorporating a visual or thematic element that links Rick's excitement with Dan's anticipation, such as a shared memory or a line that reflects their camaraderie.
  • Smooth the transition between the eruption scene and the office scene by using a sound cue or lingering on Rick's reaction a moment longer before cutting away.
  • Amplify the humor in Rocky's dialogue by providing more vivid descriptions of Dan's physical reactions, making his excitement more palpable and engaging.
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at Dan's motivations for wanting the volcano to erupt, which could deepen the audience's understanding of his character and the stakes involved.



Scene 12 -  Eruption of Doubt
EXT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - MORNING

A large crowd of people block the brick building as Rocky,
Dan Miller, and now MULLINEAUX (mid 60s, gray hair, seasoned
volcanologist) speed walk through the crowd and arrive to the
front entrance where Rick Hoblitt is already standing there
to greet them.

SUPER: US Forest Service Headquarters - Vancouver, Washington


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Mullineaux, Rocky, Dan, and Rick are escorted down a long
hallway by the FOREST SERVICE MANAGER (short, glasses, unsure
of himself.) They walk and talk.

FOREST SERVICE MANAGER
What the hell was it?

DAN MILLER
St. Helens is clearing her throat.

RICK HOBLITT
A phreatic eruption. With all that
snow and ice on the peak and this
volcano warming up, that water gets
locked inside and becomes
superheated.

The forest service manager isn’t following and rick realizes
it.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
Imagine putting a gallon of milk
inside of a refrigerator and it
suddenly flashes to steam.


Still nothing from the forest service manager. They arrive at
a conference room entrance and stop. He looks at Rick,
awaiting for him to elaborate.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
It would blow the walls off your
kitchen.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Mullineaux, Rocky, Dan, and Rick are standing in front of a
crowded room of all walks of life -- POLICE OFFICERS, PARK
RANGERS, STATE DEPT. EMPLOYEES, TIMBER OWNERS, LOGGERS,
REPORTERS...

The TIMBER OWNER (of course he’s in flannel) stands up.

TIMBER OWNER
Will it erupt soon!?

MULLINEAUX
We cannot predict that.

A STATE DEPT. EMPLOYEE (dressed in a suit) stands up.

STATE DEPT. EMPLOYEE
You mean to tell me that we as a
nation can send a man to the moon
but you can’t predict if a volcano
will erupt or not?

MULLINEAUX
That is correct.

The MURMURS in the crowd get louder until a logger speaks.

LOGGER
It’s a mountain! A mountain! My
entire family has lived and worked
on St. Helens their entire lives!
How dangerous can it really be!?

Rocky steps in.

ROCKY
I understand how difficult it is to
have four strangers show up at your
doorstep and announce that you have
an active volcano in your backyard
but I promise we are going to do
our best at monitoring the
situation and educating everyone in
the process.


COUNTY POLITICIAN
It’s just a bunch of crooks cooked
up by the federal forestry service!

LOCAL RESIDENT
Or one of them environmentalists to
delay the big development at Spirit
Lake!

That one gets a good cheer from the crowd.

TIMBER OWNER
I’ll tell you all what it is! It’s
a bunch of liberal scientists
trying to take away our American
freedoms!
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster","Thriller"]

Summary At the US Forest Service Headquarters in Vancouver, Washington, a tense meeting unfolds as Rocky, Dan Miller, and Mullineaux address a skeptical crowd regarding the dangers of Mount St. Helens' recent phreatic eruption. Despite their efforts to reassure local residents, accusations of ulterior motives and distrust towards the scientists escalate, highlighting the community's fear and frustration. The scene culminates in a charged atmosphere as a Timber Owner accuses the scientists of threatening American freedoms.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Effective establishment of conflict and stakes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and effectively sets up the stakes for the upcoming events. The dialogue is sharp and keeps the audience on edge, while the conflict and emotional impact are palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a briefing regarding the potential eruption of Mount St. Helens is compelling and sets the stage for the disaster that will unfold. The scene effectively introduces the central conflict and establishes the urgency of the situation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters grappling with the uncertainty and potential danger posed by the volcano. It moves the story forward by setting up the central conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the interpersonal dynamics and public perception of a natural disaster, rather than just the physical threat itself. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the context of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and each has a distinct perspective on the situation, adding depth to the interactions. The dialogue reveals their motivations and concerns, making them relatable to the audience.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and revelations set the stage for potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reassure and educate the crowd about the seriousness of the situation while also empathizing with their concerns. This reflects their deeper desire to maintain control in a chaotic and potentially dangerous situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the public perception of the volcanic threat and ensure that the necessary precautions are taken to prevent harm to the community. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of balancing public safety with public opinion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the differing perspectives and concerns of the characters regarding the volcano eruption. The confrontational interactions heighten the tension and create a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges that create obstacles for the protagonist and raise the stakes of the situation. The audience is left uncertain about how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with the uncertainty and potential danger of the volcano eruption. The consequences of their decisions and actions could have far-reaching impacts.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict, raising the stakes, and setting up the events that will unfold. It propels the narrative towards the impending disaster at Mount St. Helens.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected conflicts and challenges that keep the audience guessing about the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between scientific expertise and public skepticism or conspiracy theories. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of scientific knowledge and the need for public trust in times of crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits anxiety, concern, and defensiveness from the characters, which in turn resonates with the audience. The emotional impact is crucial in conveying the gravity of the situation and the characters' responses.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, informative, and confrontational, reflecting the tension and uncertainty surrounding the volcano eruption. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with conflicting viewpoints and emotional intensity, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and dilemmas.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through a combination of dialogue, action, and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre film, with a clear setup of the threat, escalating tension through dialogue and conflict, and a resolution that leaves room for further development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension surrounding the volcanic threat, which is crucial for engaging the audience. However, the dialogue could benefit from more varied emotional beats to enhance character depth and make the stakes feel more personal. For instance, the characters could express their fears or personal stakes regarding the eruption, rather than just presenting facts.
  • The use of technical jargon, such as 'phreatic eruption,' is appropriate for the context but may alienate some audience members. While it’s important to maintain authenticity in the scientific dialogue, consider incorporating simpler explanations or analogies that can make the information more accessible without diluting the seriousness of the situation.
  • The crowd's skepticism and hostility towards the scientists is a strong element, but the scene could be improved by showing more individual reactions from the characters in the crowd. This would help to create a more dynamic atmosphere and allow the audience to connect with the various perspectives represented.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the transition from the hallway to the conference room. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a brief exchange that highlights the tension before entering the room, which could build anticipation for the confrontation with the crowd.
  • The dialogue, while functional, often feels expository. Characters should have distinct voices that reflect their backgrounds and motivations. For example, the timber owner's line could be more emotionally charged to reflect his personal connection to the land, rather than a generic complaint about 'liberal scientists.' This would help to create a more memorable and impactful moment.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment of personal reflection for one of the scientists before entering the conference room, allowing them to express their own fears or doubts about the situation. This could help ground the scene emotionally.
  • Consider using a visual metaphor or analogy that simplifies the scientific concepts for the audience while still conveying the gravity of the situation. For example, comparing the volcano to a pressure cooker could make the danger more relatable.
  • Add a few lines of dialogue that showcase the crowd's diverse reactions, perhaps including a voice of reason among the skeptics, to create a more nuanced portrayal of the community's concerns.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly before entering the conference room to build tension. A brief moment of silence or a shared look among the scientists could heighten the stakes.
  • Revise the dialogue to ensure each character has a unique voice that reflects their background and emotional state. This will make the scene more engaging and help the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level.



Scene 13 -  Urgent Preparations: Mapping the Hazard Zone
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - MULLINEAUX & ROCKY’S OFFICE - LATER

A TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP OF MOUNT ST. HELENS is rolled out on a
desk. Mullineaux, Rocky, Dan, and Rick are gathered it.

MULLINEAUX
We need to map out a hazard zone.

DAN MILLER
Rick’s your guy.

Rick, at first caught off guard, but appreciates the trust
Dan Miller has in him. He begins to trace his hand from St
Helens peak down the slopes.

RICK HOBLITT
We can assume that future eruptions
will roughly be of the same
frequency and scale as those which
occurred in the past.

THE EVENTS RICK BEGINS TO DESCRIBE COME TO LIFE IN FLASHES

SERIES OF SHOTS:

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
Thousands of tons of melted snow
and ice would flow like a tidal
wave.

1. A DAM IS DESTROYED BY A VIOLENT RUSHING WALL OF WATER.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
Pyroclastic flows would blast
outward a hurricane speeds. Nothing
will survive within this circle.


2. A GIANT BLACK CLOUD OF ASH RUSHES DOWN A CLIFF.

3. TREES ARE BLOWN OVER BY THE HURRICANE WINDS

With the tension in the room now palpable, Mullineaux looks
at Rocky.

MULLINEAUX
We’re also going to need an expert
in explosive volcanoes.

ROCKY
Who do you have in mind?


INT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND VOLCANO - HELICOPTER - DAY

The turbulent wind and snow through the window clears
revealing a snow covered volcanic island in the distance.

SUPER: Four Years Earlier - Augustine Island Volcano, Alaska -
January 22, 1976

DAVID JOHNSTON (Male, mid 20s, dressed in winter gear) looks
over at his field assistant HARRY GLICKEN (early 20s, also
dressed in full winter gear) but neither say a word.


EXT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND VOLCANO - SUMMIT - CONTINUOUS

The HELICOPTER landing gear makes contact with the icy
surface as the HAUL DOORS open and the wind and snow rushes
in. David and Harry struggle to exit in the BLIZZARD
conditions.

David waves toward the helicopter pilot signaling him to take
off. The HELICOPTER raises up but an INTENSE GUST OF WIND
SLAPS IT DOWN VIOLENTLY as the ROTORS CLIP THE GROUND and
DISINTEGRATE. The SKIDS FLY IN ALL DIRECTIONS. The HELICOPTER
CRUMBLES AND ROLLS down a small steep incline leaving just a
plexiglas and aluminum ball with a pilot trapped inside.

Unbeknownst to them, the HELICOPTER stops short of a massive
cliff. Harry removes his PICKAXE that was attached to the
side of his pack and rushes to the windshield of the cockpit.
The helicopter teeters on the edge. He smashes it open as
Dave moves from behind and pulls the pilot free from the
wreckage just as the helicopter tips over the edge and falls
into the misty bottom with a loud CRASH and BOOM. The three
men give out a sigh of relief.


EXT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND ALASKA - SUMMIT - LATER

David and Harry help the pilot hike up the steep slope.
Through the mist they spot a SHED. They slowly approach it.


INT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND ALASKA - OLD SHED - LATER

The ground shakes beneath them and the wind is roaring
outside. Duct tape is patched over a hole in the ceiling by
David.

A cooled LAVA BOMB is picked up by Harry.

The pilot rummages through old rations from a crate.


EXT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND VOLCANO - CRATER - LATER

David, carrying his COSPEC DEVICE, slowly peaks over the
crest of the crater.

He sets down the COSPEC DEVICE and aims it toward the crater.
The ground shakes beneath his feet. He can sense this volcano
is incredibly unstable.


INT. AUGUSTINE ISLAND VOLCANO - OLD SHED - MORNING

EMPTY CANS now lay around the shed. The rations are gone.

SUPER: Three Days Later

David, Harry, and the pilot look exhausted and are shivering.

DAVID JOHNSTON
SO2 is decreasing.

Harry slowly looks over at David.

HARRY GLICKEN
Maybe she’s settling down.

All of a sudden the sound of ROTORS SPINNING is heard
thumping outside their shed.

David opens the shed door revealing a RESCUE HELICOPTER
landing next to them.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Adventure"]

Summary In a tense meeting at the Forest Service HQ, officials Mullineaux, Rocky, Dan, and Rick gather to discuss the urgent need for mapping a hazard zone around Mount St. Helens due to the threat of volcanic eruptions. As Rick outlines the catastrophic effects of past eruptions, illustrated through flashbacks of destruction, the gravity of the situation escalates. Mullineaux emphasizes the necessity of consulting an expert in explosive volcanoes, leaving the team anxious about the impending disaster.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • High-stakes setting
  • Expertise portrayal
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more emotionally engaging

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the impending danger of volcanic eruptions and the expertise required to navigate such situations. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are high, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring volcanic activity, expert knowledge, and past incidents to inform the current narrative is well-developed and adds layers to the scene.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the mapping of hazard zones, expert discussions, and a flashback to a past volcanic incident, all leading to the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption. The progression is engaging and keeps the story moving forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting the potential hazards of a volcanic eruption, focusing on scientific accuracy and the human response to natural disasters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Rick Hoblitt and David Johnston, are portrayed as experts in their field, adding credibility to the narrative. Their actions and interactions contribute to the tension and urgency of the situation.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the characters do display growth in their expertise and decision-making as they navigate the volcanic threat.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his expertise and value to the team. This reflects his deeper need for recognition and validation of his skills in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to map out a hazard zone for Mount St. Helens and identify potential risks. This reflects the immediate challenge of preparing for a potential volcanic eruption.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption and the expertise required to handle such a situation. The high stakes and potential danger add to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant challenges and obstacles in mapping out the hazard zone and preparing for a potential volcanic eruption.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including the threat of a volcanic eruption and the expertise needed to handle the situation, create a sense of urgency and danger that keeps the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the imminent volcanic eruption, introducing key characters, and establishing the expertise required to address the crisis.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the characters, keeping the audience on edge about how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between scientific knowledge and human vulnerability in the face of natural disasters. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the power of expertise to mitigate risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from anxiety over the impending eruption to relief at the successful rescue. The emotional impact adds depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is informative and serves to convey the expertise of the characters regarding volcanic activity. It could benefit from more emotional depth to further engage the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards for screenplay writing, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful, high-stakes sequence in a disaster film genre. The pacing and rhythm effectively build tension and engage the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension regarding the potential hazards of Mount St. Helens. However, the transition from the discussion of mapping the hazard zone to the flashback sequence feels abrupt. This could confuse the audience, as the shift in time and location is not clearly signposted. A smoother transition or a clearer narrative bridge would help maintain the flow.
  • The use of flashbacks to illustrate Rick's descriptions of past eruptions is a strong visual storytelling technique. However, the flashbacks could benefit from more emotional weight. Currently, they serve primarily as exposition. Consider incorporating character reactions or emotional stakes during these flashbacks to enhance their impact and connect the audience more deeply with the characters' experiences.
  • Mullineaux's suggestion to bring in an expert in explosive volcanoes is a pivotal moment that raises the stakes. However, the scene lacks a clear resolution or follow-up to this suggestion. It would be beneficial to see the characters' immediate reactions or plans regarding this expert, which would add depth to their decision-making process and further develop the tension.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. Characters like Mullineaux and Rocky could have more distinct voices that reflect their personalities and expertise. Adding unique phrases or mannerisms could help differentiate them and make the dialogue feel more natural and engaging.
  • The visual elements, such as the topographical map and the flashbacks, are strong, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, or even the atmosphere in the room could enhance the immersion and help the audience feel the weight of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional line or visual cue before the flashback sequence to signal the shift in time and location. This could be a character's line that hints at the past or a visual element that connects the present discussion to the historical context.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes in the flashbacks by including character reactions or internal thoughts. For example, show Rick's fear or determination as he recalls the past eruptions, which would create a stronger connection between the characters and the audience.
  • After Mullineaux suggests bringing in an expert, include a brief discussion among the characters about who that expert might be and why they are needed. This would not only build tension but also provide insight into the characters' relationships and their urgency in addressing the volcanic threat.
  • Revise the dialogue to give each character a more distinct voice. Consider their backgrounds and personalities when crafting their lines, ensuring that their dialogue reflects their expertise and emotional state.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the office, the tension in the air, or the physical reactions of the characters to the gravity of their discussion, which would enhance the scene's overall impact.



Scene 14 -  Tensions Erupt: Science vs. Stubbornness
INT. RESCUE HELICOPTER - MOMENTS LATER

David, Harry, and the pilot are sitting in the back as they
watch the island volcano move further away as the helicopter
lifts off when SUDDENLY A FLASH OF LIGHT and a massive
EXPLOSION is seen coming from the volcano’s crater.

The helicopter strafes and avoids falling LAVA BOMBS as
smaller rocks pelt the exterior. They narrowly escape.


INT. UW - SEISMIC MONITORING ROOM - DAY

Harry Glicken looks at the SEISMOMETER DRUM then glances over
at David Johnston who is sitting at his desk looking at the
SO2 REPORTS.

SUPER: Four Years Later - Spring 1980 - University of
Washington Seismology Headquarters

HARRY GLICKEN
The quakes are happening right
beneath her.

DAVID JOHNSTON
High levels of hydrogen sulfide
too.

MALONE (late 50s, David and Harry’s supervisor) approaches
them.

MALONE
So it’s associated with magma?

David looks up and nods with agreement.

MALONE (CONT’D)
I made a deal with the Seattle
news. I promised them a story if
they gave us a chopper.
(beat)
The Survey wants someone to
represent us.

Both David and Harry perk up.

DAVID JOHNSTON
We’re in. I mean, are you asking
us?

Malone loves the enthusiasm but he looks at exclusively at
David.


MALONE
I’m asking you, David.

Harry understands. He looks at Dave.

HARRY GLICKEN
You’ll be all right without me.

DAVID JOHNSTON
We do this as a team.


INT. HELICOPTER - LATER

David and Harry look up at the SEATTLE NEWS CREW seated on
the other side (all dressed in WINTER PARKAS.)

They turn their attention toward the window where MOUNT ST.
HELENS snowy peak is visible.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - FRONT ENTRANCE - MORNING

A CLOSED SIGN hangs on a gate at the entrance as a crowd of
people congregate around the road snapping pictures.

DAVID JOHNSTON (O.S.)
This mountain is heating up. Magma
is rising. It looks like there is a
very good chance at a large
eruption.

A FORD BRONCO moves past the line of cars and crowds of
people and stops at the gate. The PARK RANGER opens it and
the Bronco continues through.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH SLOPE - PARKING LOT - SAME TIME

A HELICOPTER has landed on a parking lot and standing a few
meters away, the Seattle news crew is holding CAMERAS and
microphones, pointing at a nervous David Johnston.

DAVID JOHNSTON
If there is an explosion, it is
possible that very, very hot
incandescent debris could come down
on all sides-


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH SLOPE - BACKROAD - SAME TIME

Rick exits the Bronco and looks at Mount St. Helens from a
distance, while bending down, and scooping up a handful of
dirt from the road.

DAVID JOHNSTON (O.S.)
-But right now, there’s a very
great hazard that on this side, the
north side, that the glacier is
breaking up. That could produce a
very large avalanche.

Rick’s palms opens as the wind takes the dirt away.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH SLOPE - PARKING LOT - SAME TIME

The CAMERA OPERATOR peeks around his viewfinder and looks at
David, waiting for him to have a closing statement.

DAVID JOHNSTON
This is not a good site to be in.


INT. LOCAL BAR - NIGHT

INSERT - TELEVISION, which shows: DAVID JOHNSTON’S INTERVIEW

DAVID JOHNSTON
(on TV)
The fuse is lit but we don’t know
how long it is.

BACK TO LOCAL BAR - Mullineaux, Rocky, Dan, Rick, David, and
Harry are all sitting around a high top table.

HARRY GLICKEN
That’s a great line!

They all share a laugh as the WAITRESS walks over holding two
more pitchers of beer to their surprise.

The waitress sets down the beer at their table as the
volcanologists see the old man at the bar, HARRY TRUMAN (age
83) starting to gather his coat to leave.

WAITRESS
He’s the owner of the Spirit Lake
Lodge at the base of St. Helens. He
insisted.

Harry throws on his coat and walks toward the exit but stops
short. He turns back toward the volcanologists.


HARRY TRUMAN
I stuck it out for fifty-four years
and I can stick it out another
fifty-four! Not a god-damn thing is
gonna make me leave me home!
Especially no archeologists!

He exits with a SLAM.

David Johnson corrects him even though he’s already left.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Volcanologists. We’re
volcanologists.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a dramatic scene, David, Harry, and their pilot narrowly escape a volcanic explosion, setting the stage for a four-year later discussion at the University of Washington Seismology Headquarters. David eagerly accepts a chance to represent their team in a news story about Mount St. Helens, despite Harry's willingness to step back. During the interview, David warns of the volcano's dangers, which is later viewed in a local bar where the volcanologists share a laugh. However, local resident Harry Truman defiantly expresses his determination to stay despite the risks, highlighting the ongoing conflict between scientific warnings and local resistance. The scene concludes with David correcting Truman's misconceptions about their work as volcanologists.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some predictable plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the imminent eruption of Mount St. Helens, creating a sense of urgency and danger. The dialogue is engaging, and the character dynamics add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of impending volcanic eruption and the characters' responses to the crisis are compelling. The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and the sense of urgency surrounding the situation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, setting up the conflict and stakes for the upcoming eruption. The progression of events keeps the audience invested and eager to see what unfolds next.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar disaster genre by focusing on the scientific perspective of volcanologists and their efforts to warn the public about an impending eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions add depth to the scene and enhance the overall tension and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' attitudes and decisions, the focus is more on their immediate responses to the crisis rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of the people around him and to gather crucial information about the volcanic activity. This reflects his deeper desire to protect others and fulfill his duty as a scientist.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide accurate information to the news crew and the public about the imminent volcanic eruption. This reflects the immediate challenge of communicating the potential danger effectively.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the impending eruption of Mount St. Helens creating a sense of danger and urgency. The characters' conflicting motivations and decisions add to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, such as the skepticism of the public and the potential danger of the volcanic eruption, creates a strong sense of conflict and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the threat of a volcanic eruption posing a significant risk to the characters and the surrounding area. The potential consequences of the disaster raise the tension and urgency of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the imminent eruption of Mount St. Helens and establishing the characters' roles and motivations in the unfolding crisis.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the volcanic activity, the characters' decisions, and the escalating danger. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between scientific knowledge and public perception of risk. The protagonist's belief in the importance of accurate information clashes with the skepticism or ignorance of others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, anxiety, and determination in the face of impending disaster. The characters' reactions and the high stakes contribute to the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and the urgency of the situation. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic tension, and the sense of urgency created by the impending volcanic eruption. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding events keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of slower moments for character interactions and faster-paced sequences during the volcanic activity. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre film, with a buildup of tension, a clear conflict, and a sense of impending danger. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the tension of the helicopter escape to the more analytical environment of the seismic monitoring room, showcasing the contrast between immediate danger and scientific observation. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue and action to maintain a sense of urgency throughout.
  • The dialogue between David and Harry is functional but lacks emotional depth. While they discuss the scientific implications of the volcanic activity, adding personal stakes or emotional reactions could enhance the audience's connection to the characters and the gravity of the situation.
  • The introduction of Malone as a supervisor is a good narrative device, but his character could be fleshed out more. Providing a brief insight into his motivations or concerns about the mission could add layers to the scene and create a more dynamic interaction with David and Harry.
  • The scene shifts between various locations (helicopter, monitoring room, Mount St. Helens) but could benefit from clearer visual transitions. Using more descriptive language to illustrate the environments and the characters' reactions to them would help ground the audience in the setting.
  • The humor introduced in the bar scene is a nice touch, providing a moment of levity amidst the tension. However, it feels slightly disconnected from the preceding scenes. A smoother transition or a thematic link between the urgency of the volcanic threat and the camaraderie in the bar could enhance cohesion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of personal reflection for David or Harry in the monitoring room, where they express their fears or hopes regarding the volcanic activity. This could deepen the audience's emotional investment in their characters.
  • Enhance Malone's character by including a line or two that reveals his concerns about the mission or his relationship with David and Harry. This could create a more complex dynamic and raise the stakes for their involvement.
  • Incorporate more vivid descriptions of the environments, especially during the helicopter escape and the monitoring room. This will help the audience visualize the scenes more clearly and feel the tension of the volcanic threat.
  • To improve pacing, consider condensing some of the dialogue in the monitoring room. Focus on key lines that drive the plot forward while maintaining the urgency of the situation.
  • Create a stronger thematic link between the bar scene and the previous scenes by having the characters reflect on the implications of their work while enjoying their camaraderie. This could reinforce the idea that their personal lives are intertwined with the professional stakes they face.



Scene 15 -  Eruption of Emotions
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

A TELEPHONE RINGS on the table.

MARIAN (female, mid 30s, 8 months pregnant) answers the
phone.

MARIAN
Hello?


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - KITCHEN - SAME TIME

Rick holds a phone up to his ear and smiles.

RICK HOBLITT
Hey, baby.

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARIAN
I saw the news about the eruption.

RICK HOBLITT
A small one. For now.

MARIAN
What are you thinking?

Rick takes a moment to collect his thoughts.

RICK HOBLITT
I’m thinking I want St. Helens to
go back to sleep so I can come
home.

Marian laughs.


RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
I don’t have a good feeling about
this one, Marian. I don’t know if
I’m ready for this. I’ve always
been so buried in the literature
and history of the science but when
one finally wakes up-

MARIAN
-You don’t know what to do.

Marian knows Rick all too well.

MARIAN (CONT’D)
You told me Pliny the Elder wasn’t
ready when Mount Vesuvius erupted
yet his letters were the first
pages of volcanology in history.
You’ll find your way, Rick.

RICK HOBLITT
It was Pliny the Younger, not
Elder.

Rick smiles, knowing he’s being a smart-ass.

MARIAN
(laughing)
That’s not my point.

RICK HOBLITT
Pliny the Elder was killed at
Pompeii.

That puts a sobering mood into the conversation.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a morning phone call, eight-month-pregnant Marian reassures her partner Rick, who is at the Forest Service HQ, about his anxieties regarding a recent volcanic eruption. Their conversation blends light-hearted banter with serious undertones as they discuss Rick's feelings of inadequacy and knowledge of volcanology. Marian references historical figures to comfort him, but the mood shifts when they reflect on the fate of Pliny the Elder, leaving them both with a sobering reminder of the eruption's potential consequences.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Reliance on dialogue for tension building

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, focusing on character development and emotional depth while setting up tension and foreshadowing future events. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the inner turmoil of the character, creating a sense of anticipation for what's to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the emotional impact of monitoring volcanic activity through personal conversations and reflections is compelling. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for the larger themes of uncertainty and responsibility.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through character interactions and introspective moments, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and dilemmas. The scene effectively sets up the emotional and thematic arcs that will unfold in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of facing uncertainty and the dynamics of a relationship under pressure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced personalities and relatable struggles. The dialogue reveals their inner thoughts and emotions, adding layers to their motivations and actions.

Character Changes: 8

The character undergoes a subtle shift in perspective, moving from doubt and fear to a sense of acceptance and determination. This internal change sets the stage for future growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

Marian's internal goal in this scene is to reassure Rick and provide him with emotional support as he faces the uncertainty of the volcanic eruption. This reflects her deeper need to maintain their connection and help him navigate his fears and doubts.

External Goal: 8

Rick's external goal is to monitor the volcanic activity and ensure the safety of the area. This reflects the immediate challenge he's facing in his work and the responsibility he carries as a scientist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the character's struggle with fear and uncertainty. While there are hints of external conflicts related to the volcanic activity, the tension is more subdued and introspective.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, particularly in Rick's internal struggle with his fears and doubts.

High Stakes: 8

While the stakes are primarily personal and emotional in this scene, the underlying threat of volcanic activity adds a layer of tension and urgency. The character's internal struggles reflect the high stakes of their work and the potential consequences of their decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics, establishing key themes, and foreshadowing future events. It sets the stage for the unfolding narrative while maintaining a sense of intrigue and anticipation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting emotions and uncertainties faced by the characters, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the volcanic eruption.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of facing the unknown and finding one's way in times of uncertainty. Rick's fear of the unpredictable nature of volcanic eruptions clashes with Marian's belief in his ability to navigate challenges.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through the character's vulnerability and raw honesty. The audience is drawn into the character's emotional journey, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and authentic, capturing the essence of the characters' relationships and concerns. It drives the scene forward while providing insight into their emotional states.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension of the situation, and the natural flow of dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and pauses that build tension and allow for emotional moments to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is consistent with industry standards, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined locations and character interactions. The intercut telephone conversation adds a dynamic element to the storytelling.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a personal connection between Rick and Marian, which adds emotional depth to the narrative. However, the dialogue could benefit from more tension or stakes regarding the eruption. While Rick expresses unease, the conversation feels somewhat light-hearted, which may undermine the gravity of the situation. Consider incorporating more urgency or fear about the eruption's potential consequences to heighten the stakes.
  • Marian's reassurance to Rick is a strong moment, showcasing her understanding of his character. However, the transition from a light-hearted exchange to a sobering realization about Pliny the Elder feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out by adding a line or two that bridges the emotional shift, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the conversation more organically.
  • Rick's correction about Pliny the Elder versus Pliny the Younger is a clever character moment that showcases his expertise. However, it may come off as slightly pedantic in the context of a serious conversation about volcanic eruptions. Consider softening this moment or framing it in a way that feels more supportive rather than argumentative, as it could detract from the emotional connection between the characters.
  • The setting of the phone call is effective in contrasting the domestic space with the professional environment of the Forest Service HQ. However, adding visual details or sounds from each location could enhance the scene's atmosphere. For example, incorporating background noise from the Forest Service HQ could emphasize the chaos of the eruption, contrasting with the calmness of Marian's home.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but there are moments where it feels expository. For instance, Rick's statement about being buried in literature could be more subtly integrated into the conversation. Instead of stating it outright, consider showing it through his actions or thoughts, which would make the dialogue feel more natural and less like a direct exposition.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a sense of urgency in Rick's dialogue about the eruption. Perhaps he could mention specific concerns or risks that would make Marian more anxious, thereby increasing the tension in their conversation.
  • Smooth the transition from light-hearted banter to serious discussion by adding a line that reflects Rick's internal struggle or fear about the eruption before mentioning Pliny the Elder. This could help the audience feel the emotional weight of the conversation more effectively.
  • Reframe Rick's correction about Pliny in a way that feels more collaborative. For example, he could acknowledge Marian's point while still providing the correction, emphasizing their partnership rather than creating a moment of contention.
  • Enhance the setting by incorporating sensory details that reflect the contrasting environments. For instance, describe the sounds of the Forest Service HQ, such as phones ringing or people discussing the eruption, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider revising Rick's exposition about being buried in literature to be more implicit. Show his expertise through his reactions or thoughts rather than stating it directly, which can make the dialogue feel more organic.



Scene 16 -  Eruptions of Memory
INT. RICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

A HOMEMADE VOLCANO STARTS TO BUBBLE UP.


INT. RICK’S HOUSE - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

A TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP OF MOUNT ST. HELENS is on a desk. Rick,
(now 10 years older, with a graying beard) draws a large
circle around the volcano.

SUPER: Denver, Colorado - 1991

RICK HOBLITT’S DAUGHTER (O.S.)
Dad! Dad! Dad! Hurry!

Rick, startled, rushes out of the office.


INT. RICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

RICK’S DAUGHTER (age 10) stands next to the HOMEMADE VOLCANO
excitedly.

Rick rushes into the kitchen and puts his arm around her.

RICK HOBLITT
You did it!

They both watch the volcano erupt on the kitchen table.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
You know the real thing is the
changes of physical properties,
rather than a chemical reaction --
the acid reacts to the sodium
hydrogen and it produces carbon
dioxide -- Did I ever tell you I
was supposed to be a chemist? Dan
Miller talked me out of it. His
dorm was next to mine.

RICK HOBLITT’S DAUGHTER
He’s the one that sent you to
Indonesia where you almost got
killed?

RICK HOBLITT
Is that what mom told you?

THE PHONE RINGS, interrupting them. Rick walks over and
answers.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
This is Rick...
(pause)
Find someone else.

Rick hangs up and looks at his daughter.

RICK HOBLITT’S DAUGHTER
Who was that?

RICK HOBLITT
Salesman.


INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - MONITORING ROOM - MORNING

Ewert glances over at Dave, who is focused on his writing.


EWERT
When I left for graduate school I
didn’t think I would ever come back
here.

DAVE HARLOW
Just skip to the reason why you’re
telling me this.

EWERT
Nevado del Ruiz -- That’s why.

Dave looks up from his desk right as Ewert lays down a PHOTO
of Omayra Sanchez, the same girl the journalist had taken.

EWERT (CONT’D)
23,000 deaths.

DAVE HARLOW
We sent hazard maps but the
Colombian government never got them
distributed in time-

EWERT
-They should’ve had a two hour
warning. That volcano didn’t kill
those people, the lack of a
response did.
(beat)
Do you believe you’re doing the
right thing by staying here or are
you just doing this for you?

DAVE HARLOW
I’m trying to protect our careers-

EWERT
-Your career.

Dave stays quiet now. He contemplates to himself.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Rick Hoblitt, now older and reflecting on his past, engages with his daughter as she proudly showcases her homemade volcano. Their interaction sparks nostalgia for Rick's childhood dreams of becoming a chemist. Meanwhile, at VDAP headquarters, Ewert confronts Dave Harlow about the ethical implications of their work in volcanic disaster prevention, highlighting a moral conflict that leaves Dave in contemplation. The scene juxtaposes the warmth of familial bonding with the somber realities of their professional responsibilities.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of personal and professional elements
  • Compelling dialogue and character dynamics
  • High stakes and tension maintained throughout
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a good balance of character development, plot progression, and thematic elements. The dialogue is engaging and informative, driving the story forward while maintaining a tense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the personal and professional implications of dealing with volcanic activity is well-executed in this scene. The blend of personal relationships, scientific discussions, and high stakes adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and informative, advancing the story while introducing conflicts and tensions that will likely have repercussions in future scenes. The scene effectively sets up the challenges and dilemmas faced by the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique blend of scientific concepts, personal relationships, and societal responsibilities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to familiar themes of family and career choices.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their interactions. The dynamics between the characters add depth to the narrative and create compelling conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics and motivations, the scene primarily focuses on establishing the challenges and dilemmas faced by the characters. The potential for character growth and development is hinted at but not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his daughter through their shared interest in science and to reflect on his past career choices and the consequences of those decisions. This reflects his deeper need for validation, understanding, and reconciliation with his past.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal in this scene is to engage with his daughter's excitement over the homemade volcano and to handle the phone call interruption smoothly. This reflects the immediate circumstances of balancing family life with professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a high level of conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with personal and professional challenges related to volcanic activity. The tensions between characters and the high stakes involved create a sense of urgency and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as seen in the philosophical conflict between characters, the consequences of past decisions, and the tension between personal fulfillment and societal expectations. The audience is left wondering about the characters' motivations and choices.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes by highlighting the potential consequences of misjudgments and inaction in dealing with volcanic activity. The characters face personal and professional risks, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, dilemmas, and tensions that will likely have repercussions in future scenes. The plot progresses at a steady pace, maintaining the audience's interest and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected phone call interruption, the revelation of past career choices, and the philosophical conflict between characters. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting dynamics and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal fulfillment and societal expectations, as seen in Rick's past career choices and the consequences of those decisions. This challenges Rick's beliefs about success, fulfillment, and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of reflection, concern, and tension that resonate with the audience. The personal interactions and professional discussions add depth and emotional weight to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and informative, effectively conveying the tensions and complexities of dealing with volcanic activity. The conversations between characters reveal their personalities and motivations, driving the story forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of suspense, emotion, and intellectual curiosity. The interactions between characters, the unfolding of past events, and the thematic depth keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection, action, and dialogue. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and allows for the gradual development of character dynamics and thematic elements.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by clearly delineating different locations and character actions. The dialogue is formatted in a way that enhances readability and understanding.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by smoothly transitioning between different locations and time periods, maintaining a coherent narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the innocence of childhood with the gravity of volcanic activity, which is a strong thematic element. However, the transition from the light-hearted moment with Rick's daughter to the serious conversation about the Nevado del Ruiz disaster feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Rick's dialogue about his past aspirations and the influence of Dan Miller adds depth to his character, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of just mentioning Dan, perhaps include a brief anecdote or a specific memory that illustrates their relationship and why it was pivotal for Rick's career choice.
  • The phone call interruption serves as a plot device to shift the focus, but it feels somewhat clichéd. Consider using this moment to reveal more about Rick's current emotional state or his relationship with his daughter, rather than just dismissing the call as a salesman. This could deepen the audience's connection to Rick.
  • The dialogue between Rick and his daughter is charming, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more scientific terminology in a way that feels natural for a child. This would not only showcase Rick's expertise but also make the conversation feel more authentic and engaging.
  • The transition to the VDAP headquarters feels disjointed. The scene could benefit from a clearer visual or thematic link between Rick's domestic life and the professional stakes at VDAP. Perhaps a visual cue, like a volcanic eruption on TV in the background, could serve as a reminder of the looming danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief anecdote or memory that Rick shares about Dan Miller to create a stronger emotional connection and provide context for his career choices.
  • Instead of simply dismissing the phone call as a salesman, use it as an opportunity to reveal more about Rick's current emotional state or his relationship with his daughter, perhaps by having him express frustration or concern about the call.
  • Enhance the scientific dialogue between Rick and his daughter by incorporating terminology that feels age-appropriate for her, allowing her to engage with the topic in a way that feels authentic.
  • Smooth the transition between the domestic scene and the professional stakes at VDAP by including a visual or thematic link, such as a news report about volcanic activity playing in the background, to maintain narrative cohesion.
  • Consider extending the moment of watching the homemade volcano erupt to allow for more character development and emotional resonance before transitioning to the more serious conversation at VDAP.



Scene 17 -  Tensions at PHIVOLCS
EXT. MANILA AIRPORT - RUNWAY - MORNING

A mosquito lands on an arm, bites, and it’s instantly
slapped. Lockhart (wearing cutoff jean-shorts and flip-flops)
looks at the smashed bug. He then sneezes. The sun hasn’t
even risen yet and the runway lights illuminate the loading
area.

SUPER: Manila, Philippines - April 23, 1991

A crate is lifted and placed in a tactical cargo truck.


The CARGO DRIVER (wearing green camouflage) is skeptical as
he watches Chris and Lockhart loading the CRATES.

CARGO DRIVER
I’d like to know if I’m carrying
any hazardous material.

LOCKHART
Just seismometers, geophones,
tiltmeters-

The cargo driver is clearly not following along.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Nothing hazardous.

An ARMED SUV pulls up and Lockhart notices the thick, tinted
windows.

LOCKHART
Are we expecting combat?

CARGO DRIVER
You never know.

The driver walks away leaving Lockhart to wonder -- he looks
at Chris and quietly mouths: “What the fuck?”


INT. DOWNTOWN QUEZON CITY - ARMORED SUV - LATER

Through the window a street sign reads, “QUEZON CITY.”

Chris and Lockhart are seated in the back looking out at the
city as it passes by.


EXT. DOWNTOWN QUEZON CITY - PHIVOLCS BUILDING - LATER

The SUV comes to a stop right outside a large rundown
building.

SUPER: Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology

The volcanologists exit the SUV and enter the building.


INT. PHIVOLCS BUILDING - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Ray leads Chris and Lockhart through the tight hallway,
passing various monitoring rooms. They finally reach an
office at the end of the hallway.


WRITTEN IN SHARPIE ON WHITE TAPE ON THE DOOR: “RAYMUNDO
PUNONGBAYAN”


INT. PHIVOLCS BUILDING - RAY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Ray peeks into the hallway one last time and realizing how
conspicuous he seemed.

RAY
The others aren’t happy you’re
here.

LOCKHART
I’m not happy I’m here either.

Chris picks up the latest SEISMIC DATA from Ray’s desk.

CHRIS NEWHALL
(looking at the DATA)
This can’t be right.

Chris looks at Lockhart.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
The earthquakes are three miles
northwest of the steam vents. It
doesn’t make sense that these
fumaroles are being heated by a
plug of magma that far apart.

Chris hands the DATA to Lockhart.

LOCKHART
They don’t have enough stations
setup-

Bayani walks into the room, clearly annoyed and agitated with
the sight of the American scientists. He rips the DATA from
Lockhart’s hand.

BAYANI
Who the hell are you?

LOCKHART
I’m Lockhart, nice to meet you.

Lockhart extends his hand to shake Bayani’s, despite the
tension. Bayani ignores his gesture.

LOCKHART (CONT’D)
I don’t know about here but in
America it’s customary to shake the
other guy’s hand.


BAYANI
This isn’t America.

Ray steps in.

RAY
Bayani and I set up the seismic net
ourselves.

CHRIS NEWHALL
It’s not about the quantity, it’s
where they’re located-

RAY
-Without a helicopter we’re limited
to what we can each by car.

Chris understands and nods.

CHRIS NEWHALL
The way I see it, we have three
jobs to do. First is setting up a
bigger seismic net. Secondly, we
need to review Pinatubo’s historic
records. Once we know Pinatubo’s
past and present, we have to
educate everyone about the
consequences of a large eruption

RAY
And people can be stubborn.

BAYANI
Especially Americans.

Chris and Lockhart look at Ray and Bayani with slight concern
on their faces. Is this new partnership going to work?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Manila Airport, Lockhart and Chris load crates into a tactical truck, facing skepticism from a cargo driver about their cargo. They arrive at the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology, where they meet Ray and Bayani. Tensions escalate as Bayani confronts Lockhart and Chris, expressing hostility towards their presence. While Chris analyzes seismic data, Lockhart attempts to ease the situation, but cultural friction remains palpable. The scene ends with Chris and Lockhart exchanging worried glances, uncertain about their collaboration with the local scientists.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Effective character dynamics
  • High stakes and urgency
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in characters
  • Some cliched interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a tense and suspenseful atmosphere with the introduction of conflicting personalities and high stakes. The dialogue is engaging, and the plot progresses significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring volcanic tensions through a multinational scientific collaboration is intriguing and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively introduces the central conflict and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging and moves forward significantly in this scene, laying the groundwork for the upcoming mission and highlighting the challenges the characters will face. The stakes are high, adding urgency to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the disaster genre by focusing on the scientific and cultural aspects of preparing for a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities that clash in a compelling way. The scene allows for character development and sets up potential arcs for growth and conflict resolution.

Character Changes: 8

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and attitudes, significant changes are yet to occur. The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and transformation in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Lockhart's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a potentially dangerous and unfamiliar situation while maintaining his composure and professionalism. His deeper need for control and competence is reflected in his interactions with the cargo driver and Bayani.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to assist in setting up a seismic net and reviewing Pinatubo's historic records to prepare for a potential eruption. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of understanding and mitigating the volcanic activity in the area.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters due to cultural differences, scientific disagreements, and the urgency of the volcanic situation. The confrontations add depth to the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, cultural differences, and interpersonal tensions creating obstacles for the protagonists. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption, cultural clashes, and the pressure to collaborate effectively. The outcome of their mission could have far-reaching consequences, adding weight to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing the mission, introducing key conflicts, and setting up the central plot elements. It propels the narrative towards the next phase of the story with a sense of urgency and purpose.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, cultural clashes, and unexpected reactions from the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the uncertain outcomes of the interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around cultural differences and communication barriers between the American scientists and the Filipino locals. This challenges the protagonists' beliefs about collaboration and understanding in a high-pressure situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits feelings of anxiety, concern, and agitation, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional states. The high stakes and conflicting personalities contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the tensions between the characters effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the interactions, enhancing the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics. The high-stakes setting and cultural conflicts keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character moments that maintain the tension and momentum of the story. The scene moves fluidly between locations and interactions, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and progression of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of tension and urgency through the interactions between the characters, particularly with the skeptical cargo driver and the introduction of Bayani. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the conflict. For instance, Bayani's hostility towards Lockhart and Chris could be deepened by hinting at past grievances or cultural misunderstandings, which would add layers to their relationship.
  • The use of humor, particularly Lockhart's casual demeanor contrasted with the serious context, is a nice touch that lightens the mood. However, it risks undermining the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the underlying tension of the volcanic threat could create a more cohesive tone throughout the scene.
  • The transition from the airport to the PHIVOLCS building is somewhat abrupt. While the scene does a good job of establishing the setting, adding a brief moment of reflection or dialogue during the car ride could help to build anticipation and deepen the characters' motivations for being there.
  • The introduction of the seismic data is a crucial plot point, but it feels a bit rushed. Expanding on the implications of the data and allowing characters to react more emotionally to it could heighten the stakes and engage the audience further. This could also serve to illustrate the scientific challenges they face in a more relatable way.
  • The ending of the scene leaves the audience with a sense of uncertainty about the partnership between the American scientists and their Filipino counterparts. While this is effective, it could be enhanced by including a moment of vulnerability or a shared goal that hints at potential collaboration despite their differences.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at Bayani's past experiences with American scientists or previous volcanic events, which would provide context for his hostility and create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Balance the humor in Lockhart's character with moments of seriousness to maintain the tension of the scene. Perhaps have him acknowledge the gravity of the situation more explicitly after a humorous remark.
  • Include a brief exchange during the car ride to the PHIVOLCS building that reflects the characters' thoughts or concerns about the mission, which would help to build anticipation and deepen their motivations.
  • Expand on the seismic data discussion by allowing characters to express their fears or concerns about the implications of the data. This could involve a more emotional reaction from Chris or Lockhart, emphasizing the stakes involved.
  • To enhance the ending, consider adding a moment where Ray or Bayani expresses a shared concern about the volcanic threat, which could serve as a bridge to future collaboration and set a more hopeful tone for their partnership.



Scene 18 -  Tension at Clark Air Base
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - ARMORED SUV 1 - DAY

A cone-shaped VOLCANO is seen above a green countryside
through the SUV window.

Chris points it out to Lockhart while the two of them sit in
the back seat.

The walls of a military base come into view through the SUV
window as it pulls into a gated entrance.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - ARMORED SUV 1 - CONTINUOUS

Through the window, the stark contrast of where they just
were outside the walls to the now picturesque suburban
America, with a Baskin Robins, Pizza Hut, rows of beautiful
homes that parallel the street, and people walking around
dressed nicely, men clean shaved.

SUPER: Clark Air Base

Lockhart smirks at the sight of it all.

LOCKHART
It’s like a heritage USA theme park
that was built from the memory of
what they thought American was
like.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Easy, Lockhart.

LOCKHART
We’re definitely the only ones on
this base with beards.

A STREET SIGN reads: “MARYLAND STREET. ”


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LATER

The tactical cargo truck is already being unloaded by
numerous military personnel. Chris and Lockhart oversee the
unpacking next to a TWO-STORY HOUSE.

COLONEL STUDER (O.S.)
Is this thing going to blow or
what?

Colonel Studer approaches the two volcanologists.

CHRIS NEWHALL
That’s why we’re here, sir.

COLONEL STUDER
I’m Colonel William Studer, we
spoke briefly on the phone.

He looks at Lockhart’s CUT-OFF JEAN-SHORTS AND FLIP-FLOPS.

COLONEL STUDER (CONT’D)
So this is the best team you could
find?


CHRIS NEWHALL
I’d like to say so, sir.

LOCKHART
The best of the best.
(saluting)
-- Of the best.

Chris slaps Lockhart’s saluting hand down.

Colonel Studer looks at the building.

COLONEL STUDER
It was a communication center
during the Vietnam War. Has it’s
own generator, air-filtering
system.

LOCKHART
Is it bomb-proof?

COLONEL STUDER
It’s never been tested.

Lockhart hasn’t heard good news since we arrived and his look
says it all.

Colonel Studer watches crates being unloaded.

COLONEL STUDER (CONT’D)
Make sure you keep your doors
locked. I don’t know how these
locals keep getting in but I’d
imagine that stuff would sell for a
pretty penny. We have a saying on
the base, “everything’s already
stolen, they just haven’t taken it
yet.”
(beat)
And don’t leave the base without
armed escort.

That gets Lockhart’s attention.

COLONEL STUDER (CONT’D)
Not too long ago we had three
personnel assassinated just outside
the gate -- Filipino Guerrillas.

LOCKHART
(looking at Chris)
Filipino Guerrillas, Chris. Got
that?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Chris and Lockhart arrive at Clark Air Base in an armored SUV, where they encounter Colonel Studer, who questions their qualifications and warns them about the dangers posed by Filipino Guerrillas outside the base. Lockhart's laid-back attitude contrasts sharply with the serious military environment, leading to a humorous yet tense exchange. The scene highlights the absurdity of their casual demeanor against the backdrop of imminent threats, ending with Lockhart acknowledging the seriousness of their situation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character interactions
  • Clear setting and atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slight predictability in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introduces important characters and conflicts, and sets the stage for future developments. The dialogue is engaging, and the setting adds to the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the preparation for a dangerous mission to investigate a volcano, is engaging and sets up potential conflicts and high stakes for the characters. The introduction of skepticism and concern adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in setting up the mission, establishing the characters' motivations and conflicts, and hinting at the potential dangers they will face. It moves the story forward effectively and creates anticipation for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on military operations by incorporating elements of humor and cultural contrast. The characters' interactions feel authentic and provide insight into their personalities and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflicts in the scene. The interactions between Chris, Lockhart, and Colonel Studer add depth to their relationships and hint at future tensions.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts hint at potential developments and growth for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lockhart's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his confidence and composure despite feeling out of place and uncertain about the mission. His desire to prove himself as part of the 'best team' reflects his need for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to assess the safety and suitability of the communication center for their mission. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring the success of their operation in a potentially dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with tensions rising between the characters due to skepticism, high stakes, and the potential dangers they are about to face. The conflict drives the narrative forward and adds depth to the relationships.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Colonel Studer challenging the protagonists' abilities and introducing potential obstacles to their mission. The uncertainty surrounding the safety of the communication center adds tension and conflict to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing potential danger, skepticism, and the pressure to succeed in their mission. The consequences of failure are significant, adding urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the mission, introducing conflicts and tensions, and hinting at the dangers the characters will face. It piques the audience's interest and creates anticipation for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the introduction of potential threats in the environment. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the uncertainties of the mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between military discipline and civilian informality. Colonel Studer's strict demeanor contrasts with Lockhart's casual attire and demeanor, challenging their beliefs about professionalism and effectiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety, concern, and skepticism, which resonates with the audience and creates an emotional connection to the characters and their predicament.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, realistic, and reveals important information about the characters and the situation. It effectively conveys the tension and skepticism present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and character dynamics. The dialogue and setting choices create a compelling atmosphere that keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined settings, character introductions, and a progression of events. The pacing and transitions enhance the scene's effectiveness and maintain the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the contrast between the military base and the outside world, highlighting the tension between the scientists and the local environment. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to enhance character differentiation and deepen the conflict. Lockhart's humor is a good touch, but it risks undermining the gravity of their situation. Consider balancing humor with more serious undertones to maintain tension.
  • Colonel Studer's introduction is somewhat abrupt. While he provides necessary exposition, his character could benefit from a more nuanced introduction that reveals his personality and motivations. This would help the audience connect with him and understand his perspective on the situation.
  • The dialogue between Chris and Lockhart feels a bit forced at times, particularly Lockhart's jokes about their appearance. While it adds levity, it may detract from the urgency of their mission. Consider refining their banter to ensure it feels natural and relevant to the context of their work.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional anchor. While there are hints of tension regarding the local guerrillas, the emotional stakes could be heightened. Adding a moment of vulnerability or concern from Chris or Lockhart about their safety or the implications of their work could create a more compelling narrative.
  • The visual descriptions are effective in setting the scene, but they could be enhanced with more sensory details. For instance, describing the sounds of the military base or the atmosphere could immerse the audience further into the environment. This would help to create a more vivid and engaging experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Chris or Lockhart expresses their apprehension about the local situation, perhaps reflecting on their previous experiences or the stakes involved. This would deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Introduce Colonel Studer with a brief action or visual cue that hints at his character—perhaps he is checking his watch anxiously or surveying the area with a critical eye. This would provide a more engaging introduction.
  • Refine the dialogue to ensure that humor does not overshadow the seriousness of their mission. Perhaps Lockhart could make a joke that also reflects his anxiety about the situation, creating a more layered character.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting. Describe the sounds of the military base, the smell of the air, or the visual chaos of the unloading crates to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional beat, perhaps a moment of shared concern between Chris and Lockhart after Colonel Studer's warning, to emphasize the gravity of their situation and set the tone for the challenges ahead.



Scene 19 -  Mission to Mount Pinatubo
EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - HELICOPTER PAD - MORNING

An ARMY HUEY HELICOPTER sits on a landing pad and the ROTORS
are starting to spin.

Chris and Lockhart walk toward it (wearing HELMETS AND COMMS)

A door gunner manning an M60 MACHINE GUN side-mounted on the
Huey sees Lockhart approaching him.

LOCKHART
Are you gonna shoot the volcano?

The gunner doesn’t answer.

Chris is holding a COSPEC DEVICE and he sizes it up against
the barrel of the gun.

DOOR GUNNER
Can I help you?

CHRIS NEWHALL
If you don’t end up using it, it
might come in handy.

The door gunner isn’t following and Chris finally boards.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - HELICOPTER - COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

A CLARK AIR BASE PILOT (in his HELMET AND COMMS) glances
toward the back.

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT
(sarcastic)
Colonel Studer said I’m going to be
your private chauffeur during your
stay at Clark.
(beat)
So just head straight for the
dangerous active volcano, right?

BACK IN THE HAUL - Chris and Lockhart laugh.

CHRIS NEWHALL
That’s right.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - HELICOPTER - DAY

The COSPEC DEVICE is mounted on the front of the M60 as Chris
swivels it toward the volcano crater. Lockhart is watching
Chris.


LOCKHART
You got the safety on right?

CHRIS NEWHALL
(to the pilot)
Do another round -- I want to make
sure these readings are accurate.

The COSPEC DEVICE recenters on the crater again.


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - LATER

Lockhart places the TILTMETER in a hole.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Did you charge the battery?

Lockhart looks at Chris.

LOCKHART
Of course I did.

Lockhart connects A CAR BATTERY to the TILTMETER.

Chris places a GEOPHONE inside of a hole, eyeing the leveler.

Lockhart walks over with a bucket of cement and pours it into
the hole. He watches Chris walks approach a giant wall of
dirt.

CHRIS NEWHALL
(Still facing the canyon)
These deposits are thirty feet
thick at least. That’s a ton of
material for being ten miles from
Pinatubo.

Chris chips a piece of CHARCOAL from the canyon wall and
places it inside a JAR and closes it:

INSERT - JAR, which reads: “MOUNT PINATUBO”

Storm clouds roll in from the distance. THUNDER CRACKS.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Adventure"]

Summary At Clark Air Base, Chris and Lockhart prepare for a mission to Mount Pinatubo, engaging in light-hearted banter with a door gunner and a sarcastic pilot. As they take off, Chris sets up a COSPEC device while Lockhart connects a tiltmeter. The scene blends humor with tension as they gather geological samples, all while ominous storm clouds gather, hinting at the dangers that lie ahead.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension, humor, and action
  • Well-defined characters and conflicts
  • Engaging dialogue and setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Some dialogue exchanges could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively blends tension, excitement, and humor while setting up a dangerous mission in a volcanic environment. The dialogue and actions keep the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of a dangerous volcanic mission with scientific exploration and military involvement is intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively sets up the stakes and challenges the characters will face.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around preparing for a mission to Mount Pinatubo, introducing elements of danger, scientific investigation, and military tension. It sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the disaster genre by focusing on the scientific aspect of monitoring a volcano, showcasing authentic dialogue and actions that reflect the characters' expertise and the challenges they face.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Chris and Lockhart are well-defined through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their expertise, humor, and determination. The scene hints at potential conflicts and dynamics between them.

Character Changes: 8

While there are hints of character development, particularly in Chris and Lockhart's interactions, the scene focuses more on setting up the mission than on significant character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the accuracy of the readings and data collected from the volcano, reflecting his need for precision, control, and expertise in his field.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gather data and monitor the volcano's activity to potentially predict an eruption, reflecting the immediate challenge of dealing with a dangerous natural phenomenon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces various conflicts, including the tension between characters, the dangers of the volcanic mission, and the military presence. These conflicts add depth and intrigue to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by the dangerous volcano and the technical challenges faced by the characters, adds complexity and uncertainty to the characters' mission, creating a sense of conflict and stakes.

High Stakes: 8

The scene conveys high stakes through the dangerous volcanic mission, the military presence, and the potential risks involved. The characters' lives and the success of the mission are on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the mission to Mount Pinatubo, introducing key elements and conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the mix of technical challenges, natural elements, and character interactions, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' sense of duty to gather data and potentially save lives by predicting an eruption, and the inherent danger and unpredictability of nature. This challenges their beliefs in control and the limits of human intervention.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.8

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including anxiety, amusement, and curiosity, as the characters prepare for a dangerous mission. The high stakes and tense atmosphere contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue is sharp, with a mix of tension, humor, and sarcasm that adds depth to the characters and the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the characters' mission and the impending danger.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character moments that keep the story moving forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats, transitions, and character interactions, effectively building tension and advancing the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a mix of humor and tension, which is essential given the serious context of their mission. However, the humor could be sharpened to enhance character dynamics. For instance, Lockhart's joke about shooting the volcano feels a bit flat and could be replaced with something more clever or situationally relevant to deepen the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue between Chris and the door gunner lacks depth and could benefit from more subtext. The gunner's skepticism about their mission could be explored further, perhaps by adding a line that hints at his own experiences or fears regarding the volcano, which would enrich the scene and provide a more layered interaction.
  • The transition from the helicopter pad to the cockpit is somewhat abrupt. Consider adding a brief moment that highlights the atmosphere of the base or the urgency of their mission, which would help to ground the audience in the setting and build anticipation for the upcoming scenes.
  • The mounting of the COSPEC device on the M60 machine gun is an interesting visual, but it could be better explained in the dialogue. Chris's line about ensuring accurate readings could be expanded to include why this is crucial, thus reinforcing the stakes of their mission and the importance of their equipment.
  • The storm clouds rolling in and the thunder cracking at the end of the scene serve as a good visual metaphor for the impending danger. However, this could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive build-up to the tension. Perhaps a line about the weather conditions could be included in the dialogue to tie it back to their mission.
Suggestions
  • Revise Lockhart's joke to be more situationally relevant or clever, enhancing the humor while maintaining the tension of the scene.
  • Add a line for the door gunner that reflects his skepticism or past experiences with volcanoes, creating a more engaging interaction with Chris and Lockhart.
  • Include a brief moment that captures the atmosphere of Clark Air Base, perhaps through visual descriptions or dialogue, to enhance the transition into the helicopter cockpit.
  • Expand Chris's dialogue about the COSPEC device to clarify its importance and the stakes involved in their mission, reinforcing the urgency of their task.
  • Foreshadow the storm clouds earlier in the scene by incorporating a line about the weather, creating a more cohesive narrative thread that builds tension leading into the next scene.



Scene 20 -  Tensions at Clark Air Base
EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY

Rain is starting to pour.

An unsteady hand is placed on a HOLSTERED HANDGUN.

Ray and Bayani are sitting in his truck, looking out of the
window at the guard.


CLARK AIR BASE GUARD
Get out of the car now!

The Clark Air Base Guard finally unholsters his HAND GUN and
now points it toward the vehicle.

CLARK AIR BASE GUARD (CONT’D)
I will use lethal force!

Chris comes sprinting to the scene in the rain.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on?

CLARK AIR BASE GUARD
These man are claiming to be
scientists.

CHRIS NEWHALL
They are!
(looking at Ray)
Show him your I.D.!

BAYANI
We did!

CHRIS NEWHALL
(looking at the guard)
When what the hell is the problem
here? Let ‘em in!

The Clark Air Base Guard is slow to lower the gun and he
takes a breath. Everyone takes a breath.

The gate opens and Ray and Bayani finally drive in clearly
shaken.


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - MOMENTS LATER

A custom SIGN mounted to the side of the house: “PINATUBO
VOLCANO OBSERVATORY - PHILVOLCS-USGS WITH ASSISTANCE FROM
USAID-USIF - SHAKE ‘n BAKE with the BEST. ”

Rain continues as Ray and Bayani pull up to the house.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Chris guides Ray and Bayani into the living room revealing
the entire interior turned into a mobile monitoring station,
with COMPUTERS, MONITORS, SEISMOGRAPH DRUMS, and ANTENNAS.

Lockhart is working with the equipment.


LOCKHART
Welcome to PVO!

BAYANI
We almost got shot back there!

LOCKHART
What?

Chris nods and then looks at Ray.

CHRIS NEWHALL
It won’t happen again.

LOCKHART
Maybe if your people stopped
assassinating our people everyone
would be on better terms.

BAYANI
What do you expect when you plant
an American base in a place you
shouldn’t.

LOCKHART
If it wasn’t for this base we
wouldn’t even be here helping your
ass!

BAYANI
We never asked for your help!

LOCKHART
You called us!

Bayani, in surprise, immediately turns to Ray.

BAYANI
You didn’t trust your own team to
get the job done? Where the hell
was US aid after Luzon?

CHRIS NEWHALL
If this was happening in the US I
would expect you to be there for us
too!
(beat)
And your team was right, by the
way. The geometry of the cloud
cluster doesn’t look volcanic.

RAY
What about the COSPEC readings?


CHRIS NEWHALL
High levels of SO2.

RAY
So magma is close to the surface-

CHRIS NEWHALL
-But the quakes are too far apart
and too infrequent. We’re getting
mixed signals from her.

LOCKHART
Story of my life --

BAYANI
So you’ve solved nothing so far.

LOCKHART
We just got here!

CHRIS NEWHALL
Enough!

Everyone finally gets quiet.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
We are in this together, whether
you like it or not. We’re all
searching for the same answers.

Chris walks over to the window and sees MOUNT PINATUBO in the
distance.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
Pinatubo is breathing but we don’t
know if she’s going to hold her
breath or exhale next. If we want
to get this right, and we have to
get this right, we have to start
trusting each other.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ray and Bayani face a threatening guard at Clark Air Base who suspects them of being impostors. Just as the situation escalates, Chris arrives to vouch for them, leading to the guard reluctantly lowering his weapon. Inside the mobile monitoring station, tensions rise as the characters discuss the volcanic activity of Mount Pinatubo, revealing a lack of trust among the American and Filipino teams. Chris emphasizes the need for cooperation to confront the impending threat, highlighting the urgency of their situation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and conflict
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise and impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict while also emphasizing the importance of collaboration and trust, setting up a compelling dynamic for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of conflicting interests and the need for collaboration in the face of a looming threat is well-developed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances through the exploration of character dynamics and the establishment of key conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of scientific collaboration and cultural differences in a high-pressure environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting personalities and motivations create engaging interactions that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their attitudes and perceptions, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to establish trust and collaboration with the American team despite past conflicts and misunderstandings. This reflects their deeper desire for successful cooperation and achieving their scientific mission.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to analyze the volcanic activity at Mount Pinatubo and provide accurate predictions to prevent a disaster. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in terms of scientific analysis and collaboration with the American team.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is palpable and drives the tension of the scene, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, cultural clashes, and high-stakes consequences that create uncertainty and tension for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the volcanic threat and the need for collaboration raise the tension and urgency of the scene, adding depth and significance to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, character dynamics, and thematic elements that will drive future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters, unexpected confrontations, and the uncertain outcome of the volcanic analysis.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, cultural differences, and the balance between national interests and global cooperation. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about teamwork, communication, and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to resolution, engaging the audience in the characters' struggles and motivations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflicts, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension, conflict, and character dynamics to drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension right from the start with the guard's threat of lethal force, which immediately engages the audience. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, instead of just stating 'Get out of the car now!', the guard could express his fear or suspicion, which would add depth to his character and the situation.
  • The conflict between the American scientists and the local volcanologists is a crucial element, but it feels somewhat rushed. The dialogue exchanges between Lockhart and Bayani escalate quickly without sufficient buildup. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a more gradual increase in tension to make the confrontation feel more organic.
  • Chris's role as the mediator is clear, but his character could be fleshed out further. His motivations for wanting to resolve the conflict could be more explicitly stated, perhaps through a line that reflects his personal stakes in the situation. This would help the audience connect with him on a deeper level.
  • The transition from the external conflict with the guard to the internal conflict within the group is somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could be achieved by incorporating a moment of reflection or a shared look among the characters that acknowledges the tension they just faced before diving into the technical discussions.
  • The technical dialogue about the volcanic activity is informative but risks alienating viewers who may not be familiar with the terminology. Consider simplifying some of the scientific explanations or providing context through character reactions to make it more accessible.
  • The scene ends on a note of unity, which is positive, but it could be strengthened by showing a physical gesture of trust or cooperation among the characters, such as a handshake or a shared look of determination. This would visually reinforce the theme of collaboration.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the guard's dialogue to enhance the emotional stakes and provide insight into his character.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or a gradual escalation in the conflict between Lockhart and Bayani to make their confrontation feel more organic.
  • Include a line from Chris that reflects his personal stakes in resolving the conflict, helping the audience connect with him on a deeper level.
  • Incorporate a moment of reflection or shared looks among the characters after the guard incident to transition smoothly into the technical discussions.
  • Simplify some of the scientific dialogue or provide context through character reactions to make it more accessible to a broader audience.
  • Consider adding a physical gesture of trust or cooperation at the end of the scene to visually reinforce the theme of collaboration.



Scene 21 -  Volcanic Tensions
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

That same JAR reading: “MOUNT PINATUBO,” is now sitting in
front of Dan on a restaurant table.

He looks up and sees Rick Hoblitt enter the building and
approach his table, clearly looking reluctant to join

A glass of whiskey is slid to Rick to cheer him up.


RICK HOBLITT
You promised it wasn’t work
related.

DAN MILLER
-It’s about getting this right.

Rick finally takes a seat.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
The Survey has tightened up, Rick.
Pinatubo is a fine line and we’re
all balancing on the tightrope.
(beat)
I don’t want to get this one wrong.

RICK HOBLITT
How do you suppose you’re going to
get it right?

DAN MILLER
I don’t. But I know you can.

Rick shoots the whiskey.

RICK HOBLITT
This is why I like working with
extinct volcanos. All science and
no politics.

DAN MILLER
At least do me a favor.

Dan slides the JAR to Rick.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
I know it’s hard to let go of past,
Rick. I sure as hell haven’t let go
of it either. But maybe it’s time
we both try.


EXT. MOUNT KILAUEA - MORNING

LAVA EXPLODES INTO THE SKY AND FALLS BACK DOWN.

Standing in the distance are two VOLCANOLOGISTS dressed in
their silvery LAVA PROTECTIVE SUITS. Neither of their faces
are visible through the face shielding.

SUPER: Mount Kilauea - Hawaii - 1980


One of the scientists, who will soon be known as DON SWANSON,
bends down to collect a sample of the fresh red lava and
places it into a large container.

His partner, who will soon be revealed to be a younger PATTY
LIPMAN, turns to speak to him.

PATTY LIPMAN
I got a call from Vancouver. They
have some unrest in the Cascades.

DON SWANSON
When do we leave?


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HILLSIDE - MORNING

Two TENTS are next to one another.

David finally stumbles out of his TENT holding an empty
bottle of BOURBON. He wipes his eyes and rubs his head which
must be pounding. He looks up at St. Helens and stops
walking. He looks worried now. He quickly grabs his
BINOCULARS.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Rick! Rick! Wake up!

There is rustling in the other tent. Rick now stumbles out,
slipping his shoes on quickly.

RICK HOBLITT
What? What’s going on?

He walks up next to David as David hands him his BINOCULARS.
Rick slowly raises them up. His eyes grows wide.

Another CAR pulls up and Harry Glicken exits holding COFFEE.
Harry sees David and Rick rushing to their vehicles.

HARRY GLICKEN
What the hell did I miss?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense restaurant meeting, Dan Miller urges Rick Hoblitt to confront the challenges of Mount Pinatubo, despite Rick's preference for working with extinct volcanoes. As they discuss the importance of their work, the scene shifts to Mount Kilauea, where volcanologists Don Swanson and Patty Lipman address unrest in the Cascades. Meanwhile, at Mount St. Helens, David Johnston wakes up with urgency, calling for Rick to investigate a troubling situation, highlighting the escalating tension among the group.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and conflict
  • Well-developed characters
  • Compelling thematic elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more nuanced character interactions
  • Dialogue could be further refined

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and effectively conveys the internal conflicts of the characters while setting up the stakes for future events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing scientific accuracy with political pressure in dealing with volcanic activity is intriguing and sets up a compelling conflict for the characters to navigate.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances effectively, introducing key conflicts and dilemmas that will drive the narrative forward, while also setting up the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the scientific exploration of volcanoes by intertwining personal relationships and emotional struggles with the characters' work. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and internal conflicts that drive their actions and decisions in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their perspectives and priorities, setting the stage for further development and growth in the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the accuracy and success of their work in studying volcanoes. This reflects their deeper need for validation and competence in their field.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to effectively communicate with their colleague and ensure they are on the same page regarding their work on the volcano. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining a professional relationship amidst high-pressure circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with characters facing internal and external pressures that create a sense of urgency and high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that test their abilities and relationships. The uncertainty of the volcano's behavior adds an element of unpredictability and danger to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of balancing scientific accuracy with political pressure in dealing with volcanic activity create a sense of urgency and importance that will drive the characters' actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key conflicts, dilemmas, and stakes that will drive the narrative and character arcs in subsequent scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists in the characters' relationships and the unfolding events surrounding the volcanoes. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the shifting dynamics and challenges faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific objectivity and personal emotions. The characters must balance their dedication to their work with their personal struggles and relationships, highlighting the clash between logic and emotion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern and tension to determination and hope, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the characters, revealing their inner struggles and conflicting priorities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines scientific intrigue with personal drama, creating a sense of suspense and emotional investment in the characters' fates. The dialogue and pacing keep the audience hooked throughout the scene.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences contributes to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The use of descriptive language enhances the visual imagery of the setting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively setting up the conflict and character dynamics. The transition between different locations adds to the pacing and tension of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Dan and Rick, highlighting their differing perspectives on the urgency of their work with Mount Pinatubo. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their emotional connection. For instance, instead of stating 'I don’t want to get this one wrong,' Dan could express a personal stake in the outcome, perhaps referencing a past failure or a colleague's loss, which would add weight to his concern.
  • Rick's reluctance to engage in the conversation is clear, but his character could be further developed through his internal conflict. Instead of simply stating he prefers extinct volcanoes, consider adding a line that reflects his fear of the political implications of their work, which would make his character more relatable and complex.
  • The transition from the restaurant scene to the volcanic activity at Mount Kilauea feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the tension of their conversation with the action of volcanology, it may benefit from a smoother transition that connects the themes of the two settings. Perhaps a line from Dan could foreshadow the volcanic activity, linking their discussion to the broader context of their work.
  • The visual elements in the scene are minimal. Consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the restaurant, such as the sounds of clinking glasses or the murmur of other patrons, which would ground the audience in the setting and contrast with the gravity of their conversation.
  • The use of the jar as a symbol is intriguing, but its significance could be made clearer. Perhaps Rick could express a moment of hesitation or nostalgia when he sees it, which would reinforce the emotional stakes and the weight of their shared history.
Suggestions
  • Add subtext to the dialogue to reveal deeper emotional stakes, such as past failures or personal losses that inform Dan's urgency and Rick's reluctance.
  • Develop Rick's character by including a line that reflects his fear of the political implications of their work, making him more relatable and complex.
  • Create a smoother transition between the restaurant scene and the volcanic activity by linking Dan's dialogue to the broader context of their work, perhaps foreshadowing the volcanic activity.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the restaurant, grounding the audience in the setting and contrasting it with the gravity of their conversation.
  • Clarify the significance of the jar by having Rick express a moment of hesitation or nostalgia when he sees it, reinforcing the emotional stakes and their shared history.



Scene 22 -  Eruption Tensions
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

The forest service manager has a look of concern as Rick,
Dan, Mullineaux, and Rocky are gathered around him.

FOREST SERVICE MANAGER
Is this a sign of something
serious?


MULLINEAUX
Not exactly.

RICK HOBLITT
We don’t know that yet!

Dan steps in to avoid Rick getting in over his head with his
superiors.

DAN MILLER
What Rick means is, we need more
time to figure out what exactly is
going on.

RICK HOBLITT
I know what’s going on! St. Helens
is inflating and it’s a sure sign
of an explosive eruption!

Rocky steps in now.

ROCKY
Easy, Rick. We already have our
hands full playing PR. We don’t
need to jump to any conclusions
right now.

RICK HOBLITT
What the hell are you guys talking
about? This is serious!

MULLINEAUX
It takes more than one guy’s
opinion to persuade the Survey to
dump more money into this
operation.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Two opinions.

Rick appreciates David’s support at least. He looks over at
Dan now.

RICK HOBLITT
Do you agree with this?

Dan is hesitant as he glances at Rocky and Mullineaux,
knowing very well he doesn’t want to disagree with them.

DAN MILLER
I think Mullineaux and Rocky have a
point, Rick. We don’t want to cause
mass hysteria from a gut reaction.


RICK HOBLITT
You once told me to trust my gut.

DAN MILLER
I also told you, you worry too
much.

RICK HOBLITT
I worry about this being bigger
than anything we ever imagined.

MULLINEAUX
Which is why we brought in a few
more experts.

Entering the room is DON SWANSON, and PATTY LIPMAN, the two
volcanologists from Hawaii, both dressed in Hawaiian shirts.

MULLINEAUX (CONT’D)
This is Don Swanson and Patty
Lipman from the Hawaiian Volcano
Observatory.

ROCKY
These two work with the most active
volcanoes in the world.

Dan Miller seems agitated by the idea that more experiences
volcanologists were needed.

DAN MILLER
HVO get jealous of our mountain?

Rocky can tell Dan is pissed.

ROCKY
We wanted the best, Dan, from every
department.

DON SWANSON
We also know you Denver folks work
in a different timescale -- slow.

DAN MILLER
Cascades are a different monster
than what you’re used to dealing
with-

PATTY LIPMAN
-And ya’ll are used to working with
dead ones so tell me what
experience you bring?


MULLINEAUX
All right, that’s enough.

ROCKY
So what’s our plan?

PATTY LIPMAN
The chemical composition of
volcanic rock can reveal the
presence of magma moving to
shallower levels, especially around
the edge of the crater.

Don turns to face Mullineaux and Rocky.

DON SWANSON
Do we have access to a helicopter?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense meeting at the Forest Service HQ, Rick Hoblitt passionately warns about the imminent threat of St. Helens' eruption, clashing with Dan Miller and Rocky, who advocate for a cautious approach to avoid panic. Mullineaux introduces volcanologists Don Swanson and Patty Lipman, who challenge the local team's expertise and propose a plan to investigate volcanic activity. The scene highlights the urgency of the situation as differing opinions on the threat's immediacy create conflict, culminating in Don's request for helicopter access to facilitate immediate action.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of new expert characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some predictable character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts among the characters, advancing the plot while introducing new elements. The dialogue is engaging and propels the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of bringing in experts from the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory to address the escalating volcanic crisis adds depth and complexity to the narrative, enhancing the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters grapple with the implications of the volcanic activity and the introduction of new expert perspectives. The stakes are raised, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the disaster genre by focusing on the internal and external conflicts within a scientific team facing a potential crisis. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their expertise and personal dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflicts within the scene. The introduction of new expert characters adds depth to the ensemble.

Character Changes: 8

The introduction of new expert characters challenges the existing dynamics and beliefs of the main characters, setting the stage for potential growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal is to convince his colleagues of the seriousness of the situation and to trust his instincts. This reflects his need for validation, fear of being dismissed, and desire to prevent a disaster.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the Forest Service to take immediate action based on his assessment of the volcanic activity. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing scientific evidence with bureaucratic procedures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflict among the characters, particularly between Rick and the new experts, intensifies the scene's tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, personal conflicts, and bureaucratic obstacles creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences and address the volcanic threat.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the potential for an explosive eruption and the need to make critical decisions in a rapidly evolving situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new expert perspectives, escalating the tension, and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, conflicting opinions, and the uncertain outcome of the volcanic activity. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' unpredictable reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between trusting scientific expertise and gut instincts, as well as the clash between different approaches to handling natural disasters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

While the scene is more focused on tension and conflict than emotional depth, the sense of urgency and concern evoked by the characters' interactions resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, effectively conveying the tension and urgency of the situation. The interactions between the characters reveal their dynamics and conflicting viewpoints.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting viewpoints, and the sense of impending danger. The dialogue-driven interactions and the characters' emotional investment keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of conflict, resolution, and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, making it easy to follow the dialogue and character actions. The scene is well-structured and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a dialogue-driven, tension-filled sequence in a disaster genre screenplay. The pacing and rhythm effectively build suspense and reveal character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency regarding the volcanic threat, but it could benefit from clearer stakes. While Rick's passion is evident, the scene lacks a strong emotional anchor that connects the audience to the potential consequences of inaction. Consider incorporating a line or two that highlights the human cost of a potential eruption, which would elevate the stakes and make the audience more invested in the characters' discussions.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. Characters like Rick and Dan have conflicting views, but their exchanges feel somewhat flat. Adding more subtext or emotional weight to their arguments could enhance the conflict. For instance, Rick could express personal stakes or past experiences that inform his urgency, while Dan could reveal his own fears about causing panic, making their disagreement more relatable.
  • The introduction of Don Swanson and Patty Lipman feels abrupt. While their expertise is valuable, the transition into their entrance could be smoother. Consider foreshadowing their arrival earlier in the scene or having characters react to their presence in a way that emphasizes the tension between the established team and the newcomers.
  • The humor in the dialogue, particularly with Dan's sarcastic remarks, is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the impending threat is crucial. Ensure that comedic moments do not detract from the urgency of the volcanic threat being discussed.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements that reflect the tension and urgency of the situation. Describing the characters' body language, the atmosphere in the room, or even the weather outside could enhance the scene's emotional impact and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a line or two that explicitly states the potential human cost of a volcanic eruption, such as the number of lives at stake, to raise the stakes and create a stronger emotional connection.
  • Add subtext to the dialogue by having characters reference personal experiences or fears that inform their perspectives, making their conflict more relatable and engaging.
  • Foreshadow the arrival of Don Swanson and Patty Lipman earlier in the scene, perhaps through a mention of their expertise or a discussion about needing additional help, to create a smoother transition.
  • Balance the humor with the seriousness of the situation by ensuring that comedic moments do not overshadow the urgency of the volcanic threat being discussed. Consider using humor to relieve tension but not to diminish it.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including descriptions of the characters' body language, the atmosphere in the room, or the weather outside, which can reflect the tension and urgency of the situation.



Scene 23 -  Tension Over Mount St. Helens
INT. HELICOPTER - COCKPIT - MORNING

A hand grabs the PITCH CONTROLS.

An OLD HELICOPTER PILOT (gray hair, wearing a VIETNAM VETERAN
BADGE on his helmet) looks at MOUNT ST. HELENS through the
window.

OLD HELICOPTER PILOT
Not sure how I feel about this.

BACK IN THE HULL - Don shrugs it off.

DON SWANSON
Rocks and ash pelting the side
isn’t much different than NVA
gunfire, old man. Just get as close
as you can!

Don Swanson grabs his YARDSTICK that has a SOUP LADLE
attached to the end.

Don Swanson nods as Patty Lipman grabs the back of Don’s
shirt as Don extends his body almost completely outside the
helicopter.

Don sees steam begin to build in the crater. Patty Lipman’s
grip loosens. Don drops an inch forward but Patty adjusts her
grip.

The SOUP LADLE reaches one last time, scooping up some ash.

PATTY LIPMAN
(to the pilot)
Let’s go! Let’s go!


The helicopter strafes away from the summit right as another
SMALL PHREATIC ERUPTION SHOOTS UP INTO THE SKY.

DON SWANSON
Yeehaw!


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - EVENING

Harry and David are sitting next to one another glancing at
St. Helens in the distance as the sun sets behind the
cascades.

DAVID JOHNSTON
SO2 is decreasing yet the mountain
is inflating.

Harry looks over at David.

HARRY GLICKEN
You have that same feeling you had
with Augustine, don’t you?

DAVID JOHNSTON
I have a feeling there could be a
great tragedy here if we’re not
careful.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - KITCHEN - EVENING

Dan is pouring himself some coffee when Rick walks over to
him.

DAN MILLER
Coffee?

Rick clearly isn’t in the mood.

RICK HOBLITT
What the hell was that back there?

DAN MILLER
You have to learn to play the game,
Rick.

RICK HOBLITT
You brought me here because you
trusted me.

DAN MILLER
I do trust you. But the Survey
doesn’t make decisions based on
instinct.
(MORE)
DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
The sooner you understand that,
realize this is a team sport, the
faster you’ll move up in this
business.

RICK HOBLITT
You know I don’t care about that. I
care about getting his right.

DAN MILLER
And so do I. But I also know if we
jump to conclusions too soon and
they aren’t accurate there’s no
going back.
(beat)
Rocky and Mullineaux brought in Don
and Patty because they’re starting
to lose trust that we can handle
this on our own.

Dan hands Rick a cup of Coffee.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
I’m on your side, Rick. But this is
a delicate situation.

RICK HOBLITT
I don’t want to be on the wrong
side of history.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, an old helicopter pilot hesitates to fly close to Mount St. Helens, but Don Swanson encourages him to proceed, using a ladle to collect ash as they narrowly escape an eruption. Meanwhile, Harry and David discuss the volcano's decreasing SO2 levels and the looming danger. Back at the Forest Service HQ, Dan Miller stresses the importance of teamwork to a frustrated Rick Hoblitt, who prioritizes accuracy over politics. The scene captures the urgency and conflicting perspectives surrounding the volcano's activity, culminating in Rick's fear of historical repercussions.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and crucial in advancing the plot while developing character dynamics. The dialogue is engaging, and the stakes are high, creating a sense of urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the imminent volcanic threat and the characters' differing approaches to handling the situation. It effectively conveys the complexity of the crisis and the challenges faced by the team.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with key conflicts and character dynamics coming to the forefront. The scene sets up important developments and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the disaster genre by focusing on the personal dynamics and moral dilemmas of the characters amidst a natural catastrophe. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct motivations and perspectives that drive the conflict in the scene. Their interactions reveal underlying tensions and personal stakes, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their perspectives and relationships, setting the stage for further development and conflict resolution. Their interactions reveal new layers of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Don Swanson's internal goal is to prove his bravery and competence in the face of danger, reflecting his need for validation and respect.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to gather crucial data on the volcanic activity of Mount St. Helens, reflecting the immediate need to assess the situation and prevent a potential disaster.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and ethical dilemmas that heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and obstacles that challenge the characters' decisions and add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing a looming volcanic threat that could have catastrophic consequences. The decisions made here will have far-reaching implications for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, escalating the stakes, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative towards a critical turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' decisions and the evolving nature of the volcanic eruption, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between following protocol and trusting one's instincts in a high-pressure situation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of thorough analysis versus quick action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of concern, determination, and urgency, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles and the impending crisis. It resonates emotionally and adds depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. It drives the scene forward and enhances the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dynamic action sequences, and emotional conflicts between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that maintain a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and a progression of events that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency through the juxtaposition of the old pilot's apprehension and Don's bravado. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen character relationships. For instance, the pilot's fear could be contrasted with Don's overconfidence, hinting at a potential recklessness that could foreshadow future consequences.
  • The transition from the helicopter to the hillside is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to convey the urgency of the situation, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that connects the two locations thematically, perhaps relating the helicopter's mission to the broader implications of volcanic activity.
  • The dialogue between Dan and Rick in the Forest Service HQ kitchen is strong in terms of conflict, but it could be more dynamic. The stakes feel somewhat flat; while Rick's concern about being on the wrong side of history is compelling, it could be amplified by incorporating more emotional weight or personal stakes. For example, Rick could reference a past failure or a personal loss related to volcanic activity to heighten the tension.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The helicopter sequence is fast-paced and action-oriented, while the kitchen conversation slows down significantly. This contrast can work well, but it may benefit from a more gradual build-up to the kitchen scene, allowing the audience to digest the helicopter's adrenaline before shifting to the more contemplative discussion.
  • The visual elements in the helicopter scene are engaging, but they could be enhanced with more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the helicopter, the feeling of the wind, or the smell of ash could immerse the audience further into the environment. This would also help to create a more vivid contrast with the sterile environment of the Forest Service HQ.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the pilot's dialogue to hint at his past experiences and fears, which could create a more layered character dynamic with Don.
  • Introduce a transitional moment or dialogue that connects the helicopter scene to the hillside, reinforcing the thematic elements of urgency and danger.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes in the kitchen scene by having Rick reference a personal experience related to volcanic disasters, making his concerns more relatable and impactful.
  • Adjust the pacing by incorporating a brief moment of reflection or tension-building dialogue before transitioning from the helicopter to the kitchen, allowing the audience to process the previous action.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the helicopter scene to create a richer atmosphere, enhancing the contrast with the subsequent kitchen scene.



Scene 24 -  Haunted by Ashes
EXT. MOTEL - AFTERNOON

The sun is blotted out by a sky thick of ash. Ash rains down
on the street.

Rick, dirtied face, with a tired look in his eyes, wipes his
face with his hand. He now sees a traffic jam of cars and
people on the streets fleeing for their lives. People are
carrying CHARRED BODIES. Rick looks beyond the chaos at a
straight-line view of a MASSIVE ERUPTING VOLCANO in the
distance.

It EXPLODES! EXPELLING HOT ASH AND ROCK. A PYROCLASTIC FLOW
SURGES DOWN THE SLOP TOWARD THE VILLAGE. It heads straight
for Rick but he’s frozen. The PYROCLASTIC FLOW moves closer
and closer.

Finally, a hand reaches out and grabs Rick’s arm and pulls
him to safety. RICK WAKES UP.


INT. RICK’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

RICK SNAPS AWAKE, breathing heavily, and sweating. He turns
to see Marian already awake and looking at him.

MARIAN
Which one was that?

Rick takes a deep breath.

RICK HOBLITT
Indonesia.

MARIAN
That was a bad one.

Rick gets out of bed.

RICK HOBLITT
They’re all bad.

SUPER: Ten Years Later - Spring 1991


INT. RICK’S OFFICE - LATER

A LIGHT SWITCH TURNS ON.

Rick rolls out the MAP OF MOUNT PINATUBO on his desk. He
starts to scan it slowly.

Marian enters the office by his surprise as she places a cup
of coffee on his desk next to the map.

MARIAN
I thought you were done chasing
them?

RICK HOBLITT
I am.

She looks at the map again.

MARIAN
You’re still trying to solve it,
aren’t you?

RICK HOBLITT
It’s about protecting the people I
care about.

MARIAN
And who is going to protect you
from yourself?


Rick ignores that.

MARIAN (CONT’D)
Does our daughter know?

RICK HOBLITT
THERE’S NOTHING TO KNOW!

Rick slams the COFFEE CUP back onto the table, spilling a
little on the MAP, and startling Marian and even himself. He
realizes he was out of line with that tone.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
I’m sorry.

Marian leaves the office.

Rick looks down at his desk, wipes the coffee away and sees
the JAR that reads: “MOUNT PINATUBO” written on it, the same
one Dan had given to Rick at the restaurant.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Rick is paralyzed by fear as he witnesses a volcanic eruption, only to be saved by a mysterious hand. He wakes up in his bedroom, where he discusses the nightmare with his partner, Marian, who is worried about his obsession with volcanoes. Ten years later, Rick examines a map of Mount Pinatubo in his office, while Marian expresses her concerns about the dangers his obsession poses to their family. Their conversation reveals underlying tension, culminating in Rick's defensive reaction to Marian's worries about their daughter. The scene ends with Rick staring at a jar labeled 'MOUNT PINATUBO,' symbolizing his unresolved trauma and fixation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Foreshadowing
Weaknesses
  • Slight coffee spill cliche

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters while setting up the impending disaster, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles amidst a natural disaster is compelling and adds layers to the narrative. The scene effectively integrates character dynamics with the larger plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, setting up the stakes for the characters and foreshadowing the impact of the volcanic eruption. The conflict and tension are well-developed.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflicts that drive the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with Rick's internal conflict and Marian's support adding depth to the scene. Their interactions reveal their emotional struggles and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Rick experiences a moment of realization and emotional outburst, showcasing his internal conflict and determination. Marian's support highlights her role as a stabilizing force in Rick's life.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect the people he cares about, as shown through his determination to solve the volcanic mystery and his emotional outburst when questioned by Marian. This reflects his deeper need for control and security in the face of uncontrollable forces.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to solve the mystery of the volcanic activity, as indicated by his study of the map of Mount Pinatubo. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his pursuit of protecting others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, encompassing both the personal struggles of the characters and the external threat of the volcanic eruption. The tension is palpable throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing both external threats from the volcanic eruption and internal conflicts with Marian, adding layers of complexity and uncertainty to the story.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the looming threat of a volcanic eruption adding urgency to the characters' personal struggles. The potential consequences raise the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by setting up the imminent volcanic eruption and deepening the emotional arcs of the characters. It foreshadows the challenges to come.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outburst from the protagonist, the sudden danger of the volcanic eruption, and the unresolved conflicts between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's sense of duty to protect others and his own internal struggles and doubts. Marian challenges his motivations and questions his actions, leading to a conflict between his desire to do what is right and his personal demons.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through Rick's internal turmoil and Marian's support. The impending disaster adds to the emotional weight of the scene.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters and their underlying tensions. The exchanges between Rick and Marian reveal their relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and dramatic tension that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of the volcanic threat, emotional conflicts between the characters, and a cliffhanger ending that leaves the audience wanting more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the impending disaster, character interactions that drive the conflict, and a cliffhanger ending that sets up future developments.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency surrounding Rick's obsession with volcanic activity, particularly through the vivid imagery of the erupting volcano and the chaos of fleeing people. However, the transition from the nightmare to reality could be more seamless. The abruptness of waking up might benefit from a more gradual shift in tone or a brief moment of reflection before moving to the next setting.
  • Rick's emotional outburst towards Marian is a pivotal moment that showcases his internal struggle and the strain on their relationship. However, the dialogue could be enhanced to better reflect the depth of their conflict. Instead of a simple 'THERE’S NOTHING TO KNOW!', consider a line that encapsulates his fear and frustration more poignantly, perhaps referencing past experiences or the stakes involved.
  • The use of the jar labeled 'MOUNT PINATUBO' is a strong visual motif that ties back to the earlier scene with Dan. However, it could be more impactful if it were introduced earlier in the scene or if Rick had a moment of contemplation about it before Marian enters. This would reinforce the theme of obsession and the weight of his responsibilities.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly uneven. The initial tension is high during the nightmare, but the subsequent dialogue with Marian could benefit from a more measured pace to allow the emotional weight of their conversation to resonate. Consider adding pauses or beats in the dialogue to emphasize the tension and Rick's internal conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Rick after waking up from the nightmare, perhaps showing him grappling with the implications of his dream before transitioning to the office scene. This could deepen the emotional impact of the nightmare.
  • Revise Rick's dialogue during his confrontation with Marian to better convey his emotional state. For example, instead of a blunt 'THERE’S NOTHING TO KNOW!', he could express his fear of the volcano's threat and how it affects his family, making his outburst feel more justified and relatable.
  • Introduce the jar labeled 'MOUNT PINATUBO' earlier in the scene or have Rick interact with it before Marian arrives. This would create a stronger visual connection to his obsession and the stakes involved in his work.
  • Adjust the pacing of the dialogue between Rick and Marian by incorporating more pauses or beats. This would allow the tension to build and give the audience time to absorb the emotional weight of their conversation.



Scene 25 -  Eruption Imminent
INT. RADIOCARBON LABORATORY - DAY

RADIOCARBON DATING MONTAGE -- RADIOCARBON LABORATORY -- DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1. WEARING HIS LAB COAT, RICK CAREFULLY REMOVES THE CHARCOAL
FROM THE JAR

2. RICK INSPECTS IT UNDER A MICROSCOPE. HE BEGINS THE
CHEMICAL CLEANING PROCESS

3. HE PUTS THE SAMPLE INTO A QUARTZ COMBUSTION TUBE WITH A
SMALL WIRE OF COPPER OXIDE AND THEN PLACES THE COMBUSTION
TUBE INTO THE VACUUM LINE. HE SEALS THE TOP WITH A BLOW TORCH

4. A TINY CAPSULE IS PLACES IN A LARK MUFFLE FURNACE WHICH
READS: “900 Degrees.”

5. THE SMALL CAPSULE IS ATTACHED TO ANOTHER VACUUM LINE AND
RICK ADDS HYDROGEN INTO THE GRAPHITE REACTION VESSEL

6. THE IRON CATALYST HAS THE LEFTOVER DEPOSITS DISTRIBUTED TO
MULTIPLE SMALL CAPSULES

7. RICK HOLDS UP THE TINY CAPSULE OF LITTLE BLACK PIECES OF
GRAPHITE AND LOOKS AT IT CLOSELY

8. THE TARGET HOLDER GOES INTO THE ACCELERATOR

9. RICK EXITS


INT. RICK’S HOME - OFFICE - NIGHT

Rick’s fingers are typing vigorously on his keyboard. He
brings the coffee mug up to his mouth, about to take a sip,
but stops when he spots something on his MONITOR.

RICK HOBLITT
(disbelief)
Oh my god.


INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - DAVE'S OFFICE - DAY

David is anxiously tapping his foot on the floor. He’s
holding the phone up to his ear. He glances over at Ewert who
is listening in on the conversation in the corner of the
office.

DAVE HARLOW
How many times has she erupted?

RICK HOBLITT (O.S.)
Only three from what I can tell.
Roughly every thousand years, give
or take.

DAVE HARLOW
When was the latest?


INT. RICK'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Rick hesitates. His daughter is waiting by the door with her
BACKPACK.

RICK HOBLITT’S DAUGHTER (O.S.)
(growing impatient)
C’mom, we’re going to be late!

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

DAVE HARLOW
Rick, when was the last eruption?

RICK HOBLITT
Fifteen hundred years ago.

DAVE HARLOW
Jesus. This mountain is cocked and
loaded.
(Dave looks up at Ewert)
Pack your bags.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Rick Hoblitt, a dedicated scientist, meticulously prepares a charcoal sample in a radiocarbon laboratory. After discovering alarming information about volcanic activity on his computer, he discusses the potential threat of an imminent eruption from Mount Pinatubo with his anxious colleague, Dave Harlow. The conversation reveals that the last eruption occurred fifteen hundred years ago, heightening the urgency of the situation. Meanwhile, Rick's daughter waits impatiently for him at home, illustrating the conflict between his professional responsibilities and family life. The scene concludes with Dave instructing a colleague to pack their bags, signaling a response to the looming danger.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Detailed scientific process portrayal
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Potential for more dynamic dialogue interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the stakes for the characters involved. The scientific process of radiocarbon dating adds depth to the narrative, while the looming threat of a volcanic eruption creates a sense of urgency and danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining scientific investigation with the looming threat of a volcanic eruption is engaging and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively introduces key elements that will drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is well-developed in this scene, setting up the central conflict of the potential volcanic eruption and establishing the characters' motivations and concerns. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its focus on scientific processes, the urgency of a potential disaster, and the emotional impact on the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are portrayed with depth and complexity, especially in their reactions to the volcanic threat. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their individual personalities and concerns, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' perspectives and emotions, the scene primarily focuses on establishing their initial reactions to the volcanic threat. Further development and changes may occur in subsequent scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to uncover crucial information about the volcano's eruption history. This reflects his deeper desire to protect lives and prevent a disaster.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to gather data and make informed decisions regarding the potential volcanic eruption. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in managing the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the scientific data and the potential consequences of a volcanic eruption. The tension and uncertainty surrounding the situation create a sense of conflict and urgency.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the looming threat of a volcanic eruption, creates a sense of urgency and conflict that drives the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters grapple with the potential eruption of a volcano and the implications for their lives and the surrounding community. The looming threat adds urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot elements, establishing the central conflict, and setting up the characters' motivations and concerns. It lays the groundwork for future developments and escalations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the volcano's eruption history and leaves the audience uncertain about the potential consequences.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific data and human lives. Rick must balance the objective data he uncovers with the emotional impact of a potential disaster.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly feelings of concern, apprehension, and curiosity. The characters' reactions and the looming threat of the volcano heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation, as well as the characters' scientific expertise and emotional responses. It drives the scene forward and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines technical intrigue with emotional stakes, keeping the audience invested in the characters' decisions and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, clearly delineating the different locations and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively transitions between different locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The montage format effectively conveys the meticulous nature of Rick's work in the radiocarbon laboratory, showcasing his expertise and dedication. However, the sequence could benefit from a clearer emotional connection to Rick's character. As it stands, the montage feels somewhat detached from the narrative's emotional stakes. Consider incorporating brief moments that reflect Rick's internal thoughts or feelings about the significance of his work, especially in relation to the impending volcanic threat.
  • The transition from the laboratory to Rick's home office is abrupt. While the montage serves to illustrate the scientific process, the shift to Rick's personal life could be smoother. Adding a brief moment that connects the two settings—perhaps a lingering thought about his family or the volcano—would enhance the flow and deepen the audience's understanding of Rick's character and motivations.
  • The dialogue during the phone conversation between Rick and Dave is functional but lacks tension. Given the gravity of the situation regarding Mount Pinatubo, the dialogue could be more urgent and emotionally charged. Consider adding more urgency to Rick's responses, reflecting his growing concern about the volcano's activity and the implications for his family and the community.
  • The scene introduces Rick's daughter waiting impatiently, which adds a layer of personal stakes. However, her presence could be utilized more effectively to heighten the tension. For instance, Rick's internal conflict about balancing his professional responsibilities with his role as a father could be emphasized through his interactions with her, making the stakes feel more immediate and personal.
  • The line 'Jesus. This mountain is cocked and loaded.' is a strong moment that conveys urgency, but it could be enhanced by showing Dave's physical reaction to the news. This would help to visualize the tension and urgency of the situation, making it more palpable for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate brief internal monologues or visual cues during the montage that reflect Rick's emotional state and the weight of his work, connecting it to the larger narrative about the impending eruption.
  • Smooth the transition between the laboratory and Rick's home office by adding a moment that links his scientific work to his personal life, perhaps through a thought or a visual cue that foreshadows the eruption's impact on his family.
  • Revise the dialogue between Rick and Dave to include more urgency and emotional weight, reflecting the high stakes of the volcanic threat and Rick's personal investment in the situation.
  • Utilize Rick's daughter more effectively by showing how her impatience and need for attention conflict with Rick's professional responsibilities, thereby heightening the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Enhance the physicality of the characters' reactions during the phone conversation to better convey the tension and urgency of the situation, making the stakes feel more immediate and real.



Scene 26 -  BBQ Under Pressure
EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

A VHS TAPE is inserted into a TAPE DECK.

INSERT - TELEVISIONS, which shows: “VARIOUS FILM ERUPTIONS
WITH KATIA AND MAURICE KRAFFT (famous French volcanologists)
STANDING IN THE FOREGROUND”

BACK TO BACKYARD - Dave Harlow flips the burger patties on
the grill.

Colonel Studer is watching the SMALL TELEVISION, standing
next to him is his son, wife, and Chris Newhall.

CHRIS NEWHALL
They’re French volcanologists. They
agreed to pay us a visit once
they’re done working on Mount Unzen
in Japan.

DAVE HARLOW
They’re famous for getting close.

Lockhart walks up next to Colonel Studer with half a hotdog
in his mouth.

LOCKHART
(mouthful)
-Infamous for getting too close.

CHRIS NEWHALL
They were the first to film a
pyroclastic flow.

COLONEL STUDER
I’m sorry, pyro-plastic-what?

Ewert joins in.

EWERT
Pyro-CLASTIC. Avalanche of hot
gases and rock that moves at 100
miles per hour with temperatures
reaching 1,000 degrees.

COLONEL STUDER
And can this reach Clark?

CHRIS NEWHALL
20% chance it extends more than
fifteen miles. 30% for the lahar.

COLONEL STUDER
Lahar?


Colonel Studer is not following and Ewert notices.

EWERT
Volcanic mudflow-

DAVE HARLOW
-But there is a clear difference
between being prepared versus panic-

EWERT
-But what we’ve learned is
sometimes it’s not enough to get
the science right either. It has to
be trusted.

GENERAL GRIME (O.S.)
THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS
FALLING!

GENERAL GRIME (late 50s, stern) arrives at the BBQ with his
WIFE and TWO DAUGHTERS (age 10 and age 13). Colonel Studer
salutes him.

GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
Chicken Little -- My girls always
loved that story. An evacuation is
tall order, gentlemen.
(now addressing Chris)
You got any kids?

CHRIS NEWHALL
I do, sir.

GENERAL GRIME
So you can imagine how difficult it
is to have some stranger tell them
to abandon their home.

Dave steps in now.

DAVE HARLOW
We’re only asking to be prepared,
sir-

GENERAL GRIME
How do you prepare to move 20,000
people?


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Dave closes his WHITE BINDER that now reads: “MOUNT
PINATUBO.”


Ewert intercepts him right as he’s about to walk out of the
door.

EWERT
Let me handle the conference.

DAVE HARLOW
That’s not a good idea, Ewert.

EWERT
Why the hell not?

DAVE HARLOW
Do you want me to spell it out for
you? Because there’s a room full of
military men who aren’t going to
trust a god-damn word of what you
have to say.

Lockhart perks up from his MONITOR.

LOCKHART
We have an issue!

Ewert and Dave both say “WHAT!?” at the same time.

LOCKHART (CONT’D)
I lost signal on one of the
tiltmeters.

DAVE HARLOW
Take Ewert.

EWERT
Just give me a chance.

Dave is so aggravated right now. He takes a breath.

DAVE HARLOW
Fine.

Dave looks over toward Lockhart.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
What the hell are you waiting for?

Lockhart jumps out of his seat and Dave reluctantly hands
Ewert his WHITE BINDER.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Good luck.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary During an afternoon BBQ at Clark Air Base, tensions rise as Dave Harlow grills burgers while discussing the dangers of volcanic eruptions with Colonel Studer, Chris Newhall, and General Grime. Colonel Studer struggles with the scientific terminology, and General Grime expresses skepticism about evacuating 20,000 people. A conflict emerges between Dave and Ewert over who should lead an upcoming conference on the volcanic threat, escalating when Lockhart reports a critical issue with the tiltmeters. Ultimately, Dave reluctantly hands over responsibility to Ewert, highlighting the urgency of the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Compelling conflict dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict between the military and scientific perspectives, creating a sense of urgency and apprehension. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the plot forward while establishing the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting military and scientific perspectives on a volcanic threat is engaging and well-developed. The scene effectively explores the challenges of communication and cooperation in the face of a natural disaster.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and propels the story forward by introducing the conflict between the military and scientific teams. It sets up important dynamics and tensions that will likely play a significant role in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of disaster preparedness by focusing on the specific threat of a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting motivations and perspectives add depth to the scene. The interactions between the military officials and volcanologists are compelling and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential character development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Dave Harlow's internal goal is to be taken seriously and trusted by the military men regarding the potential volcanic threat. This reflects his deeper need for validation and respect in his role as a scientist.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the military personnel, particularly General Grime, of the need for evacuation preparations in case of a volcanic eruption. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support and cooperation from the military.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions escalating between the military officials and the scientific team. The conflicting perspectives and stakes create a sense of urgency and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with General Grime's skepticism and the technical issue adding obstacles for the protagonist to navigate, creating uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the potential eruption of Mount Pinatubo looming large and the conflicting perspectives of the military and scientific teams adding to the tension and urgency of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, establishing stakes, and setting up important dynamics between the characters. It propels the narrative towards the impending eruption of Mount Pinatubo.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected loss of signal on a tiltmeter, introducing a new obstacle and raising the stakes for the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between scientific knowledge and military authority, as well as the balance between preparedness and panic in the face of a potential disaster. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of trust and cooperation in crisis situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, conveying the apprehension and concern of the characters in the face of an impending disaster. The high stakes and conflicting perspectives add depth to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation. It drives the conflict forward and reveals important character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of informative dialogue, character dynamics, and the looming threat of a volcanic eruption, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains a sense of urgency, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of the threat, character interactions, and a cliffhanger ending, typical of a dramatic genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the casual setting of a BBQ with the serious topic of volcanic eruptions, creating a contrast that highlights the tension between everyday life and impending disaster. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the characters' motivations and emotions. For instance, Colonel Studer's confusion about volcanic terminology could be used to illustrate his character's skepticism or ignorance, but it feels somewhat flat and could be enriched with more personal stakes or background.
  • The introduction of General Grime adds a layer of authority and urgency, but his dialogue lacks specificity and depth. His reference to 'Chicken Little' is a missed opportunity to explore his character further. Instead of a generic comment, consider giving him a personal anecdote or a more nuanced perspective on the challenges of evacuation, which would make his character more relatable and grounded.
  • Ewert's determination to handle the conference is a strong character moment, but her motivations could be clearer. Why does she feel so strongly about this? Adding a line that reveals her personal connection to the situation or her past experiences could enhance her character development and make her conflict with Dave more compelling.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly in the transition from the BBQ to the living room. The shift in tone from a light-hearted BBQ to a serious discussion about volcanic threats could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a visual cue that signifies the shift in mood, allowing the audience to adjust to the change in stakes.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a distinct voice for each character. While the characters are established, their individual speech patterns could be more pronounced. For example, Lockhart's humor could be more consistent, and Dave's frustration could be expressed through more varied language that reflects his emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the subtext in the dialogue by incorporating personal stakes or backstory for each character. This will create a richer emotional landscape and make the audience more invested in their interactions.
  • Consider giving General Grime a more personal anecdote related to evacuation or family, which would add depth to his character and make his concerns more relatable.
  • Clarify Ewert's motivations for wanting to handle the conference. Adding a line that connects her to the situation personally will strengthen her character arc and the conflict with Dave.
  • Smooth the transition between the BBQ and the living room by incorporating a moment that signifies the shift in tone, such as a sudden change in the weather or a news report that interrupts the BBQ atmosphere.
  • Differentiate the characters' voices more distinctly in their dialogue. This can be achieved by giving each character unique phrases or speech patterns that reflect their personalities and emotional states.



Scene 27 -  Urgent Warnings: The Mount Pinatubo Crisis
INT. ANGELES CITY - CITY HALL - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Ray and Bayani rush down the long hallway toward a large door
to a conference room. Ray knocks. Nobody answers.

SUPER: Angeles City - 12 miles southeast of Clark Air Base

Ray goes to knock again but the door swings open revealing a
CITY COUNCIL MEMBER (Filipino ethnicity, wearing a suit.)

ALL DIALOGUE IN FILIPINO

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
We’re in the middle of a meeting
right now.

RAY
This is very important.

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
A lot of things are but there is a
line and right now you two are at
the back of it.

BAYANI
Please. It’s about Mount Pinatubo-

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
-Of course it is... It still has to
wait.

RAY
Then we’ll wait right here.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

INSERT - PROJECTOR SCREEN, which shows: A MAP OF MOUNT
PINATUBO

BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM - A SHARPIE begins to draw a straight
line from Mount Pinatubo to Clark Air Base, then writes:
“8.2.”

A circle is drawn around the perimeter of Mount Pinatubo.

One last bigger circle is drawn around the perimeter of the
smaller circle. It writes: “15 miles.”

Chris Newhall and Ewert, the sole woman in the room, stands
next to the OVERHEAD PROJECTOR, looking out at the crowd of
colonels, sergeants, and General Grime and Colonel Studer
sitting at the front.


CHRIS NEWHALL
It’s just over eight miles from
Pinatubo to the residential area on
Clark.

Ewert points at the biggest circle.

EWERT
There is a 99 percent chance of
safety behind this line.

General Grime is clearly not happy with that.

GENERAL GRIME
Believe it or not, when I was
younger I was a fighter pilot. If
you had given me the odds of 99%
then I would’ve told you that I see
that as a 1% chance at being 100%
dead.

That get a few laughs in the room.

Chris and Ewert do not laugh. This is going to be a lot
harder than they imagined.

GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
I might not know a goddamn thing
about volcanoes but I do know how
to make tough calls and evacuating
on the basis of shaky scientific
predictions is a tough call.

EWERT
The Colombian government didn’t
heed our warning either and a lahar
buried that town! We don’t need
another tragedy-

COLONEL STUDER
-Another tragedy?

CHRIS NEWHALL
-A plan has to be in place. That’s
all.

GENERAL GRIME
And as soon as word gets out that
there is even a remote possibility
the end of the world happens.
(beat)
It’s bedlam.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ray and Bayani arrive at Angeles City Hall, eager to convey urgent warnings about Mount Pinatubo, but are dismissed by a City Council Member. Meanwhile, at Clark Air Base, Chris Newhall and Ewert present alarming scientific data about the volcano to military officials, including General Grime, who expresses skepticism about the predictions. Tensions rise as the military grapples with the implications of a potential disaster, leaving the characters in a state of uncertainty about the necessary actions to take.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Clear conflict establishment
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict surrounding the evacuation decision, showcasing the different perspectives and the challenges faced by the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the impending volcanic threat and the decision-making process regarding evacuation, which is crucial to the overall plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene advances the overall narrative by introducing the conflict surrounding the evacuation decision and setting up the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the ethical and practical challenges of responding to a potential volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, each with their own perspectives and motivations, contributing to the tension and conflict within the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the differing viewpoints and conflicts experienced by the characters contribute to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the City Council Member of the urgency regarding Mount Pinatubo. This reflects their deeper desire to prevent a potential disaster and protect lives.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to persuade the officials at Clark Air Base to take action based on scientific predictions regarding the volcano. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing authority figures to prioritize safety over potential chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with the decision to evacuate and the potential consequences of their actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and resistance from authority figures adding complexity and tension to the narrative. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, creating suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters must make a critical decision that could have life-or-death consequences for the residents near Mount Pinatubo.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict of the evacuation decision and setting up the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting viewpoints and unexpected reactions from the characters, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between scientific certainty and human intuition. General Grime's skepticism towards the scientific predictions challenges the protagonists' belief in the importance of preparedness based on data.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and concern, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemma and the high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the differing viewpoints and the sense of urgency surrounding the volcanic threat, adding depth to the characters and the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral dilemmas, and interpersonal conflicts that drive the narrative forward. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. This enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension as Ray and Bayani attempt to convey critical information about Mount Pinatubo. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight to emphasize the stakes involved. The characters' desperation should be palpable, and their dialogue could reflect their fear and urgency more vividly.
  • The use of Filipino dialogue adds authenticity to the scene, but it may alienate some viewers who do not understand the language. Consider incorporating subtitles or a brief translation to ensure that the audience fully grasps the urgency of the situation without losing the cultural context.
  • The transition between the hallway scene and the conference room is somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two settings, enhancing the flow of the narrative. For instance, a shot of Ray and Bayani's anxious expressions could serve as a visual cue that heightens the tension as they move from one location to another.
  • General Grime's skepticism is a strong character trait, but his dialogue could be sharpened to make it more impactful. Instead of just stating his disbelief, he could share a personal anecdote or a metaphor that illustrates his point, making his character more relatable and his concerns more compelling.
  • The scene ends on a note of tension, but it could be strengthened by including a more definitive call to action or a cliffhanger that propels the narrative forward. For example, after General Grime's comments, a sudden alarm or a visual cue indicating an imminent eruption could heighten the stakes and urgency.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional stakes in the dialogue by incorporating more visceral reactions from Ray and Bayani. Use descriptive language that conveys their fear and urgency, making the audience feel the weight of their situation.
  • Consider adding subtitles or translations for the Filipino dialogue to ensure that all viewers can follow the conversation and understand the urgency of the situation.
  • Create a smoother transition between the hallway and conference room scenes by including a brief moment that highlights Ray and Bayani's anxiety, such as a close-up shot of their worried expressions or a quick exchange of glances.
  • Revise General Grime's dialogue to include a personal anecdote or metaphor that illustrates his skepticism about the predictions, making his character more relatable and his concerns more compelling.
  • Introduce a more definitive call to action or cliffhanger at the end of the scene, such as an alarm indicating an imminent eruption, to heighten the tension and propel the narrative forward.



Scene 28 -  Pressure Points
INT. BASE OF PINATUBO - ARMORED SUV 2 - SAME TIME

Lockhart glances over at Dave who is driving the SUV.

LOCKHART
Why don’t you trust tiltmeters?

Dave continues to focus on the road.

DAVE HARLOW
We used them at Long Valley Caldera
in Mammoth California. Rick and I
thought they would give us an
accurate measurement of the magma
movement of subsurface reservoirs.

LOCKHART
I’m guessing they didn’t.

DAVE HARLOW
Word got around town that magma was
on the move to the surface. The
entire town went into a panic.
Shops shutdown, people left their
homes, businesses went bankrupt.
Once we realized it was a false
reading... It was a big mess. Dan
took the fall for it.

LOCKHART
You got a lot riding on Pinatubo.

DAVE HARLOW
We all do.

Dave turns down another dirt road.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME

There are murmurs in the crowd as Chris and Ewert start
losing the room.

CHRIS NEWHALL
It takes time for us to understand
the magnitude of these events. Each
volcano is different-

GENERAL GRIME
-This isn’t a science lab! You
might’ve had the time and
flexibility to study at your own
pace before but we don’t have that
luxury here!


CHRIS NEWHALL
I understands-

GENERAL GRIME
-We have several hundred thousand
military vehicles and 20,000 people
that need answers and not just
quickly, they need to be accurate!
My two girls depend on it.

EWERT
We understand what is at stake here-

GENERAL GRIME
-I don’t think you do.

Ewert realizes this isn’t just about the disagreement of
their presentation, it’s also about her being a woman.

GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
This is a military operation. You
are part of that chain now. But
right now you’re at the bottom of
it.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Lockhart questions Dave about his skepticism towards tiltmeters, recalling a past incident at Long Valley Caldera that led to panic and economic fallout. Meanwhile, at Clark Air Base, Chris and Ewert struggle to keep the attention of General Grime, who is frustrated with their slow pace and the urgent need for accurate assessments regarding the volcanic threat at Pinatubo. The power dynamics become evident as Grime's authority looms over Ewert, highlighting the personal stakes involved. The scene captures the urgent pressure faced by the scientists against the backdrop of military demands.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and moves the plot forward significantly. The conflict between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting military urgency with scientific caution is well-executed, adding layers to the narrative and setting up future conflicts.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the characters grapple with the impending volcanic threat and the differing approaches to handling the situation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of natural disasters by combining elements of scientific research and military operations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting motivations drive the tension in the scene, showcasing their individual perspectives and priorities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the conflicting interactions hint at potential shifts in perspectives and alliances in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Lockhart's internal goal in this scene is to understand Dave's perspective on using tiltmeters and to gauge his level of commitment to the mission at hand. This reflects Lockhart's need for trust and cooperation in a high-stakes situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather accurate information about the volcanic activity and to ensure the safety of the military vehicles and personnel under their command. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in dealing with a potential natural disaster.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene forward, highlighting the high stakes and differing perspectives on how to address the volcanic threat.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with General Grime challenging the protagonists' methods and priorities, creating conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the impending volcanic eruption and the conflicting approaches to addressing the threat heighten the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by introducing key conflicts, setting up future confrontations, and escalating the tension surrounding the volcanic threat.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected conflicts and challenges for the characters, keeping the audience on edge about how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the scientific approach of understanding volcanic activity and the military's need for quick and accurate information to make decisions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of thorough research versus the urgency of military operations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and urgency, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemma and the impending disaster.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the underlying tensions between the military officials and the volcanologists, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with conflicting goals and tension between characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest by alternating between dialogue-driven moments and action-oriented sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing conflict, and advancing the plot through character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the tension in the SUV with the escalating urgency in the conference room, creating a parallel narrative that heightens the stakes. However, the transition between the two settings could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes more explicitly, such as a radio transmission or a shared moment of realization between characters.
  • Dave's backstory about the Long Valley Caldera incident is compelling and adds depth to his character, but it could benefit from more emotional weight. Instead of just stating the facts, consider incorporating a moment of vulnerability where Dave reflects on the personal impact of that incident, perhaps mentioning how it affected his relationships or his sense of responsibility.
  • General Grime's character is established as authoritative and skeptical, but his motivations could be clearer. While he expresses concern for his daughters, it would enhance the scene to show a glimpse of his personal stakes beyond just military logistics. Perhaps a brief flashback or a line that reveals his past experiences with disasters could add layers to his character.
  • Ewert's realization that the conflict is gender-related is a strong moment, but it feels somewhat abrupt. To enhance this, consider foreshadowing her struggle with authority earlier in the scene or providing a subtle hint of her frustration with being underestimated. This would create a more gradual build-up to her realization and make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For example, instead of 'I understand what is at stake here,' Ewert could say something more direct like, 'We know what's at stake, General. We need to act now.' This would convey urgency and assertiveness.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition between the SUV and conference room scenes by incorporating a shared auditory cue, such as a radio announcement or a simultaneous realization of danger, to create a stronger connection between the two settings.
  • Deepen Dave's emotional backstory by adding a moment of vulnerability where he reflects on the personal consequences of the Long Valley Caldera incident, which would make his character more relatable and complex.
  • Clarify General Grime's motivations by adding a line or moment that reveals his personal stakes, such as a brief mention of his daughters' safety or a past experience with disaster, to make his character more multidimensional.
  • Foreshadow Ewert's struggle with authority earlier in the scene to create a more gradual build-up to her realization about the gender dynamics at play, making her moment of clarity more impactful.
  • Tighten the dialogue for clarity and urgency, ensuring that each line conveys the stakes and emotions effectively. Consider rephrasing some lines to be more direct and assertive.



Scene 29 -  Tension at Mount Pinatubo
INT. BASE OF PINATUBO - ARMED SUV 2 - SAME TIME

The tall grass makes visibility almost impossible.

DAVE HARLOW
You forgot to charge the battery
again didn’t you?

LOCKHART
It’s not the battery.

Through the windshield, Lockhart sees a PICKUP TRUCK parked
and THREE ARMED FILIPINO MEN pulling the TILTMETER out of the
ground. They arm their AK-47s at the arriving SUV.

DAVE HARLOW
Holy shit.

Dave slams on the brakes.

Lockhart and Dave look at one another then back toward the
armed Filipino men.

LOCKHART
Let’s forget about it.

Dave reaches for the door handle.


LOCKHART (CONT’D)
What the hell are you doing?

Dave exits the vehicle with his hands raised in the air. He
takes a step forward but stops when AK-47S aim at him.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA
Tumigil ka! Tumigil ka! Huwag kang
lalapit!

Lockhart exists the vehicle.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA (CONT’D)
Kamay sa hangin!

One Filipino Guerrilla points toward his men motioning for
them to continue retrieving the TILTMETER from the hole.

DAVE HARLOW
You see that mountain, right
there!?
(pointing at the summit)
This device is the only way we know
if it’s going to erupt!

The Filipino guerrilla raise his AK-47 at him again.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA
Tumahimik ka! Tumahimik ka!

Lockhart points at Mount Pinatubo.

LOCKHART
You see that? Boom!
(motioning explosions with
his hands)
Kaboom! Ahhh! Run for your life!

Lockhart continues motioning his hands as if fireballs were
raining from the sky.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA
(broken English)
Mountain -- explode?

LOCKHART
Yes. Big one. Huge. Dangerous.

The Filipino man looks toward the peak of Mount Pinatubo.

DAVE HARLOW
We need this device. Please.


FILIPINO GUERRILLA
Warning?

DAVE HARLOW
Yes. It’s a warning system.

The guerrilla motions to the others to put it back.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA
Ibalik mo.

They place the TILTMETER back into the hole.

Lockhart, hands still raised, walks over to it and switches
it back on. The light doesn’t turn on.

LOCKHART
Okay, maybe I did forget to charge
it.

Lockhart looks at the Filipino guerrilla’s PICKUP TRUCK.

LOCKHART (CONT’D)
But I have an idea.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary At the base of Mount Pinatubo, Dave Harlow and Lockhart find themselves in a precarious situation with a dead SUV battery and three armed Filipino guerrillas who have retrieved a crucial tiltmeter for monitoring volcanic activity. Dave negotiates with the guerrillas, emphasizing the device's importance for eruption warnings. After a tense standoff, the guerrillas agree to return the tiltmeter, but Lockhart's admission of forgetting to charge it complicates the resolution, leading him to propose a new plan.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, with strong character dynamics and high stakes driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on the need for a warning system amidst a dangerous situation, is engaging and drives the plot forward effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' efforts to retrieve and reactivate a crucial monitoring device, adding to the overall tension and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation where American scientists must navigate a potentially dangerous encounter with Filipino guerrillas while emphasizing the importance of a warning system for a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions in the face of danger are well-portrayed, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the overall tension.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions and decisions under pressure reveal aspects of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Lockhart's internal goal is to diffuse the tense situation with the Filipino guerrillas and retrieve the TILTMETER device without escalating the conflict. This reflects his desire to protect his team and fulfill his duty as a scientist monitoring the volcano.

External Goal: 9

Lockhart's external goal is to retrieve the TILTMETER device from the armed Filipino men to continue monitoring Mount Pinatubo's activity. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring the safety of the surrounding area.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene features a high level of conflict, both external (with the armed guerrillas) and internal (with the urgency of the situation), adding to the intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with armed Filipino guerrillas presenting a significant obstacle for the protagonist to overcome, creating uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including the threat of eruption and the need for the warning system, create a sense of urgency and danger that drives the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a crucial element (the warning system) and escalating the tension surrounding the volcanic threat.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the encounter with the Filipino guerrillas is uncertain, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of warning systems and the importance of communication in potentially dangerous situations. Lockhart's belief in the TILTMETER as a warning system clashes with the guerrillas' initial suspicion and aggression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes feelings of anxiety, fear, and determination in the characters and the audience, heightening the emotional impact of the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and high stakes of the situation, enhancing the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with conflicting goals, dramatic gestures, and a sense of urgency that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character reactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of tension, escalating conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the unexpected confrontation with the armed Filipino men, which raises the stakes for Dave and Lockhart. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the urgency and clarity of their predicament. For instance, Lockhart's initial response to the situation could be more succinct to reflect the immediate danger they are in.
  • The use of broken English by the Filipino guerrilla adds authenticity to the scene, but it may also risk alienating some viewers who might not fully grasp the nuances of the dialogue. Consider balancing the guerrilla's lines with clearer context or reactions from Dave and Lockhart to ensure the audience remains engaged and understands the stakes.
  • Lockhart's comedic gestures, while intended to lighten the tension, may undermine the gravity of the situation. The juxtaposition of humor in a life-threatening scenario can be jarring. It might be more effective to maintain a consistent tone of urgency and desperation, especially given the context of a potential volcanic eruption.
  • The scene's pacing is somewhat uneven. The initial tension builds well, but the comedic relief from Lockhart feels out of place and disrupts the flow. Consider maintaining a more consistent tone throughout the scene to keep the audience invested in the characters' plight.
  • The resolution of the conflict, where the guerrillas agree to return the tiltmeter, feels somewhat abrupt. While it serves the plot, it could benefit from a more gradual build-up or negotiation process that highlights the stakes involved. This would enhance the realism of the situation and provide a more satisfying resolution.
Suggestions
  • Revise Lockhart's dialogue to be more concise and focused on the immediate threat, eliminating any unnecessary humor that detracts from the tension.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal conflict for Dave or Lockhart as they weigh the risks of confronting the guerrillas, which could deepen character development and heighten the stakes.
  • Enhance the guerrilla's dialogue with more context or reactions from Dave and Lockhart to ensure clarity and maintain audience engagement.
  • Explore the possibility of a more gradual negotiation process with the guerrillas, allowing for a buildup of tension and a more realistic resolution to the conflict.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene, focusing on urgency and the potential disaster at hand, to keep the audience invested in the characters' survival.



Scene 30 -  Evacuation Efforts and Denied Funding
INT. ANGELES CITY - TOWN HALL - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Ray and Bayani are still seated and staring at the closed
door.

ALL DIALOGUE IN FILIPINO

RAY
Chris and I worked on the Mount
Mayon eruption together.

BAYANI
You evacuated 73,000 people?

RAY
And if Chris didn’t back me on that
those 73,000 people would’ve been
back in their homes when Mayon
erupted. They didn’t want to leave
but we had a feeling and we got it
right.

BAYANI
They cry for help when they think
there might be a problem but hate
us when we tell them there is one.


INT. BACK ROAD - ARMORED SUV 2 - LATER

Dave drives while Lockhart quietly stares forward.

Dave looks in the REAR-VIEW-MIRROR at the three Filipino
guerrillas sitting cramped in the backseat.

DAVE HARLOW
(looking toward the back)
Thanks again for the battery and
sorry about your truck.

FILIPINO GUERRILLA
Walang problema.

DAVE HARLOW
If an order comes to evacuate,
don’t ignore it. You all get the
hell out of here, okay?

Dave looks over at Lockhart.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Way to handle it back there.

Lockhart nods.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
(jokingly)
I hope the tiltmeter was worth it.


INT. ANGELES CITY - CITY HALL - HALLWAY - LATER

THE DOOR OPENS and the council member exits and sees Bayani
and Ray still waiting.

ALL DIALOGUE IN FILIPINO

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
I’m sorry but the city council is
unable to meet with you today.
We’ve come to the conclusion that
these experiments that your geology
department has been asking us to
fund is all but a thesis project --
not a warning sign.
(beat)
We don’t need a bunch of scientists
starting mass hysteria.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Angeles City, Ray and Bayani discuss their past experiences with the Mount Mayon eruption and the challenges of convincing locals to heed evacuation warnings. Meanwhile, Dave drives in an armored SUV with Lockhart and Filipino guerrillas, expressing gratitude for their assistance. The scene shifts to the town hall, where a city council member dismisses Ray and Bayani's request for funding geological experiments, warning against causing public panic. The scene ends with Ray and Bayani feeling frustrated and disappointed by the council's refusal.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and conflict
  • Well-defined characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict, setting up a crucial decision point in the narrative. The dialogue and interactions are engaging, and the stakes are clearly established.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of the scene, focusing on the clash between scientific expertise and bureaucratic skepticism in the face of a looming disaster, is compelling and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene advances the overarching story by highlighting the challenges faced by the geologists in gaining support for their research. It sets up a key conflict that will likely have repercussions in future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of disaster prediction by focusing on the challenges of gaining support for scientific research. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions reflect their motivations effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, with Ray and Bayani representing the expertise and dedication of the geologists, while the council member embodies skepticism and resistance to change. The interactions between the characters drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development as the characters navigate the challenges ahead.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray's internal goal is to prove the importance of his work and expertise in predicting natural disasters. This reflects his need for validation and recognition for his efforts.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the city council to fund their geology department's experiments as a warning sign for potential disasters. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support and resources for their work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with opposing viewpoints clashing over a critical issue. The power dynamics and cultural differences heighten the tension and create a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, especially in the face of the council member's skepticism and decision.

High Stakes: 8

The scene establishes high stakes by highlighting the potential consequences of ignoring scientific warnings about a volcanic eruption. The characters face a critical decision that could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up important decisions that will impact the narrative trajectory.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the outcome of the council meeting, but the interactions between characters and the philosophical conflict add layers of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between scientific evidence and public perception. The council member's skepticism highlights the clash between rationality and fear-driven decision-making.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.8

The scene elicits a sense of concern and anxiety from the audience, as the characters grapple with the potential consequences of their decisions. The stakes feel high, adding to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue is engaging and serves to highlight the contrasting viewpoints of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging due to its blend of tension, humor, and cultural authenticity, keeping the audience invested in the characters' goals and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest through well-timed dialogue exchanges and scene transitions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and professional presentation.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive flow that aligns with the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The dialogue in Filipino adds authenticity to the characters and their cultural background, but it may alienate some viewers who do not understand the language. Consider incorporating subtitles or a brief context to ensure the audience can follow the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • The transition between the two settings (the hallway and the SUV) feels abrupt. While it effectively conveys the urgency of the situation, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Perhaps a brief moment of tension or a visual cue could bridge the two locations more seamlessly.
  • The emotional stakes are present, particularly in Ray and Bayani's conversation about the challenges of evacuation. However, the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling to complement the dialogue. For instance, showing the expressions of Ray and Bayani as they discuss their past experiences could deepen the audience's connection to their plight.
  • The City Council Member's dismissal of the scientists' concerns feels somewhat one-dimensional. To enhance the conflict, consider giving the council member a more nuanced perspective or a personal stake in the decision-making process. This could create a more compelling antagonist and raise the stakes for Ray and Bayani.
  • The humor in Dave's dialogue with the guerrillas adds levity to an otherwise tense situation, but it may come off as inappropriate given the gravity of the volcanic threat. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the context is crucial to maintain the scene's emotional integrity.
Suggestions
  • Add subtitles for the Filipino dialogue to ensure all viewers can engage with the emotional content of the scene.
  • Consider using a visual transition, such as a shot of the city hall building or a close-up of Ray and Bayani's anxious expressions, to create a smoother flow between the two settings.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as close-ups of the characters' faces during key moments of dialogue, to enhance emotional engagement.
  • Develop the City Council Member's character further by providing a backstory or motivation for their skepticism, which could create a more complex conflict.
  • Reassess the balance of humor in Dave's dialogue; ensure it aligns with the scene's overall tone and does not undermine the urgency of the volcanic threat.



Scene 31 -  Echoes of Trust and Tension
EXT. RICK’S BACKYARD - NIGHT

A small fire illuminates the backyard.

Rick tosses another log into the fire as he sits alone.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a SMALL PIECE OF
METAL that seems to be broken in half. He looks closely at
it.

INSERT - SMALL PIECE OF METAL, which has the etched in
letters of an incomplete word: “COLDWAT”

BACK TO BACKYARD - Appearing out of the shadows, with the
fire now glowing against her face, Rick’s daughter approaches
him.

RICK HOBLITT
You can’t sleep either?

Rick pulls up an extra folding chair and his daughter takes a
seat. Rick’s daughter takes a moment before speaking.

RICK’S DAUGHTER
I saw the map on your desk.

Rick realizes now what’s bothering her.

RICK HOBLITT
It’s not what it looks like-

RICK’S DAUGHTER
-You promised you weren’t going to
do this anymore.

RICK HOBLITT
I never said I was leaving-

RICK’S DAUGHTER
-You’re lying again!

Rick gets quiet.

RICK’S DAUGHTER (CONT’D)
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Rick’s daughter stands up from her seat and walks back toward
the house. Rick watches he enter.

He looks back at the fire again.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HILLSIDE - MORNING

A TILTMETER sits alone on the side of St. Helens.

SUPER: Ten Years Earlier - 1980

Harry bends down and scopes it out. He pulls the RADIO up.

HARRY GLICKEN
Everything looks good, over.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - SAME TIME

BINOCULARS are watching Harry from a distance. They finally
lower revealing David, now holding the RADIO.

David grabs the DATA from his pocket. He scans it.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Get back to Coldwater, over.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HILLSIDE - SAME TIME

Harry feels a RUMBLE beneath his feet. He looks down and sees
the dirt and ash slowly move and his shoes losing balance.

HARRY GLICKEN
Oh god.

Harry catches himself as he falls from the unstable ground.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HILLSIDE - SAME TIME

David sees ash and dust billow above the crater. He grabs the
RADIO.

DAVE HARLOW
(to the RADIO)
Are you all right!?

HARRY GLICKEN (O.S.)
I’m good, over. I’m good.

David Johnston slowly lowers the BINOCULARS.

DAVID JOHNSTON
This mountain is a ticking-time-
bomb.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

An office door is ajar and Dan Miller and Rick are peaking
into the room where Patty Lipman and Don Swanson are each
going over data.

Don is looking through a MICROSCOPE and Patty is writing on
the WHITEBOARD, and both are still wearing Hawaiian shirts.

Dan whispers to Rick.

DAN MILLER
(whispering)
They got spoiled with Kilauea’s
activity and now they don’t have
the patience like we do. They’re
adrenaline junkies-

PATTY LIPMAN
-We monitor one of the most active
volcanoes in the world which is
another way of me saying we have
experiences that your team doesn’t.

Don Swanson looks up from his MICROSCOPE.

DON SWANSON
And you’re gonna have to speak a
little softer if you’re going to
talk behind our back -- or I guess
in this case, directly to us.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a tense night scene, Rick Hoblitt reflects by a fire on his past as his daughter confronts him about broken promises, leading to a painful rift between them. The narrative shifts to ten years earlier at Mount St. Helens, where scientists Harry Glicken and David Johnston sense impending danger, highlighting the urgency of volcanic activity. The scene juxtaposes familial conflict with the looming threat of nature, culminating in Rick's solitude as his daughter walks away.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Reliance on dialogue for emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional tension between Rick and his daughter, setting up a compelling dynamic that adds depth to the character relationships and overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the consequences of broken promises and the impact of work obsession on family relationships is compelling and adds layers to the character development.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character dynamics than plot progression, it sets up important emotional stakes and hints at past events that may influence future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of family drama and mystery, with the presence of the broken piece of metal adding a layer of intrigue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively delves into the complex emotions and motivations of Rick and his daughter, showcasing their internal conflicts and the strained nature of their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Both Rick and his daughter undergo emotional shifts in the scene, revealing deeper layers of their personalities and setting the stage for potential growth and resolution.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene seems to be to maintain a sense of control and protect his daughter from the truth of his actions. This reflects his fear of disappointing her and his desire to shield her from potential harm.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to reassure his daughter and explain his actions regarding the map on his desk. He wants to maintain trust and prevent his daughter from feeling betrayed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Rick and his daughter is palpable, driven by unresolved issues and unspoken truths that create a sense of tension and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension between the characters, particularly between Rick and his daughter. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their confrontation.

High Stakes: 8

The emotional stakes are high in the scene, as it delves into the strained relationship between Rick and his daughter, highlighting the personal consequences of their unresolved issues.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development than plot progression, it sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected confrontation between Rick and his daughter, as well as the mysterious presence of the broken piece of metal. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around honesty and trust within the family. Rick's daughter challenges his integrity and calls him out on his lies, highlighting the clash between their values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of regret, resentment, and the consequences of broken promises, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the scene, capturing the conflicting feelings of regret, resentment, and unspoken truths between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, tense family dynamics, and mysterious elements that keep the audience intrigued. The conflict between Rick and his daughter adds a layer of suspense and draws the viewer in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The gradual reveal of information and emotional beats are well-timed, keeping the scene engaging from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of inserts and transitions adds visual interest and clarity to the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a gradual build-up of tension. The transitions between different locations are smooth and help maintain the pacing of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Rick's personal struggle with his daughter's concerns against the backdrop of the impending volcanic threat, creating a strong emotional core. However, the transition between Rick's backyard and the flashback to Mount St. Helens could be smoother. The abrupt shift might confuse the audience, as it disrupts the emotional flow established in the first part of the scene.
  • Rick's dialogue with his daughter is poignant and captures the tension of a parent trying to balance professional obligations with family responsibilities. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. For instance, instead of having Rick directly deny leaving, he could express his commitment to his family while still hinting at his professional dedication, which would add depth to his character.
  • The use of the piece of metal with 'COLDWAT' etched on it is a strong visual symbol, but it could be more explicitly tied to Rick's emotional state or backstory. Providing a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that connects this object to a past event could enhance its significance and deepen the audience's understanding of Rick's internal conflict.
  • The transition to the flashback is marked by a super that indicates a time shift, which is helpful, but the scene could benefit from a more gradual transition. Perhaps a line of dialogue from Rick could lead into the flashback, creating a thematic link between his past experiences and current fears.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The emotional weight of Rick's interaction with his daughter is compelling, but the subsequent flashback to Mount St. Helens feels rushed. Slowing down the pacing in the flashback could allow for more tension to build, especially as Harry Glicken experiences the rumble beneath his feet.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Rick that hints at his internal conflict regarding his work and family, which would add depth to his character and make his daughter's concerns more impactful.
  • Enhance the significance of the piece of metal by incorporating a brief flashback or dialogue that connects it to a past event, thereby enriching the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Smooth the transition between Rick's backyard and the flashback by using a line of dialogue that thematically links the two moments, creating a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Slow down the pacing in the flashback to Mount St. Helens to build tension, allowing the audience to fully grasp the impending danger and its connection to Rick's current situation.
  • Consider using visual motifs or recurring symbols throughout the scene to reinforce the themes of danger and familial responsibility, which could create a more resonant emotional experience for the audience.



Scene 32 -  Tensions Erupt at Forest Service HQ
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Dan finally enters their office.

DAN MILLER
Mauna Kea and Kilauea are child’s
play next to the Cascades.

Don Swanson rolls up his sleeve revealing a massive scar.

DON SWANSON
Lava bomb - what do you have to
show for it?

DAN MILLER
Multiple publications.

DON SWANSON
Then go write an essay about St.
Helens instead.


DAN MILLER
If you want to take over this
operation why don’t you start by
answering some calls for once!

PATTY LIPMAN
We didn’t come here to be PR -- You
Denver folks seem to have a handle
on it.

DAN MILLER
Do either of you own different
shirts or is that it?

DON SWANSON
Why don’t you go carbon date
something and get to me in ten
years.

Dan SWIPES THE MICROSCOPE OFF THE DESK AND IT SHATTERS
AGAINST THE WALL. Rick rushes in and pulls Dan back.

Rocky and Mullineaux rush in after hearing the commotion.

MULLINEAUX
We have a volcano that God only
knows when it’s going to erupt, a
giant bulge on the north side that
might come crashing down at any
moment, and I’ve been on the phone
all goddamn-morning trying to keep
timber workers from getting too
close! I already lost my shit
today, I don’t need anyone else
losing theirs!

David rushes into the office now.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Tiltmeters are showing extreme
movement on the north slope and
geometers are showing a 250-foot
change!

ROCKY
This week?

DAVID JOHNSTON
Just today!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a heated exchange at the Forest Service HQ, Dan Miller confronts Don Swanson about their differing contributions to the volcano crisis, leading to a physical outburst when Dan swipes a microscope off the desk. Patty Lipman attempts to steer the conversation away from public relations, while Mullineaux expresses frustration over the imminent danger posed by the volcano. The tension escalates further with David Johnston's alarming report on significant geological activity, leaving the team in a state of urgency.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict and tension
  • Sharp and confrontational dialogue
  • Effective character dynamics and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Potential for dialogue to become overly confrontational and repetitive if not balanced with other elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through confrontational dialogue, showcasing the conflicting personalities and priorities of the characters. The high stakes and sense of urgency surrounding the volcanic threat add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of conflicting personalities, expertise, and priorities in the face of a natural disaster is compelling and drives the scene's tension and drama.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the escalating conflict and the revelation of critical information about the volcanic activity. The scene effectively sets up future developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the typical workplace confrontation by incorporating elements of scientific urgency and personal conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting personalities and motivations drive the tension in the scene. The dialogue and interactions reveal depth and complexity in their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their dynamics and relationships, particularly in terms of trust, authority, and cooperation, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Dan's internal goal in this scene is to assert his authority and expertise in front of his colleagues. His need for recognition and respect is evident in his confrontational dialogue and actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the escalating volcanic activity and ensure the safety of the surrounding area. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and scientific disagreements that heighten the tension and stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and escalating tensions among the characters. The uncertainty of the volcanic crisis adds an additional layer of opposition.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption and the potential consequences of their decisions and actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by revealing crucial information about the volcanic activity, escalating the conflict, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' volatile interactions and the escalating volcanic crisis. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing approaches to handling the volcanic crisis. Dan's focus on scientific research clashes with Don's more practical, hands-on approach, challenging their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of negative emotions, including anxiety, frustration, and tension, as the characters grapple with the impending volcanic threat and their conflicting priorities.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. The exchanges drive the scene's tension and highlight the stakes involved.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, escalating conflict, and high stakes. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and momentum. The rapid-fire exchanges between characters enhance the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines. The dialogue is properly formatted, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure, with clear character motivations and escalating tension. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency surrounding the volcanic threat, but the dialogue can feel overly expository at times. Characters are explaining their credentials and past experiences in a way that feels forced rather than natural. This can detract from the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • The conflict between Dan and Don is clear, but it could benefit from more subtext. Instead of just arguing about their qualifications, consider incorporating personal stakes or history that would make their confrontation feel more impactful. This would deepen the audience's investment in their conflict.
  • The introduction of Rick, Rocky, and Mullineaux feels abrupt. While it’s important to convey the urgency of the situation, the pacing could be improved by allowing for a more gradual buildup to the chaos. This would enhance the dramatic tension and make the eventual eruption of emotions feel more earned.
  • The visual elements are somewhat lacking in this scene. While the dialogue is strong, the setting could be more vividly described to enhance the atmosphere. Consider incorporating sensory details that reflect the tension in the room, such as the cluttered desks, the sterile environment of the HQ, or the sounds of phones ringing and people shouting outside.
  • The climax of the scene, where Dan swipes the microscope, is a strong moment, but it could be foreshadowed better. Building up to this moment with escalating tension in the dialogue and actions of the characters would make it feel more organic and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow characters to express their frustrations and qualifications more organically. Consider using subtext to convey their history and stakes without overtly stating them.
  • Add layers to the conflict between Dan and Don by incorporating personal stakes or shared history that would make their argument feel more significant. This could involve past failures or successes that inform their current attitudes.
  • Introduce Rick, Rocky, and Mullineaux more gradually, perhaps by having them overhear the argument or react to the tension in the room before entering. This would create a more cohesive flow and build anticipation for their arrival.
  • Enhance the visual description of the setting to reflect the urgency and chaos of the situation. Use sensory details to immerse the audience in the environment, making them feel the pressure of the impending eruption.
  • Foreshadow Dan's outburst by building tension in the dialogue leading up to the moment he swipes the microscope. This could involve escalating disagreements or physical cues that indicate rising frustration among the characters.



Scene 33 -  Urgent Warnings: The Lituya Bay Threat
INT. PSU - COLLEGE LECTURE HALL - MORNING

INSERT - PROJECTOR SCREEN, which shows: “1958 Lituya Bay
earthquake and megatsunami aftermath footage.”

SUPER: Penn State University - Geology Department

BACK TO LECTURE HALL - BARRY VOIGHT (male, clean shaved, 43)
points with a yardstick at the images on the screen.

BARRY VOIGHT
The strike-slip earthquake took
place on the Fairweather Fault and
triggered a rockslide of 90 million
tons into the narrow inlet of
Lituya bay.

He changes the image.

BARRY VOIGHT (CONT’D)
The sudden displacement of water
resulted in a megatsunami with the
height of 1,719 feet. That’s taller
than the Empire State Building.

Barry Voight’s attention is pulled away at the waving DEAN at
the corner of the room.

BARRY VOIGHT (CONT’D)
Excuse me for a moment.

Barry Voight walks over to the dead.

The dean whispers something into Barry’s ear. Barry now seems
concerned. He walks back over to the class.

BARRY VOIGHT (CONT’D)
Class dismissed.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Barry Voight is now shuffling through research papers at the
end of the long table where Rocky, Mullineaux, Dan, Rick, Don
Swanson, Patty Lipman, and David Johnston are sitting.

DON SWANSON
(whispering)
That’s Jon Voight’s brother.

PATTY LIPMAN
Like Midnight Cowboy Jon Voight?


DON SWANSON
Yeah -- or Deliverance Jon Voight.

Barry finally looks up at the volcanologists.

BARRY VOIGHT
Every landslide has an inflection
point and once it reaches that
limit -- I’ll need my own team of
surveyors to re-measure the rates.

ROCKY
We’re scraping at the bottom as it
is. The Survey won’t fund it.

BARRY VOIGHT
Then heed my warning -- the north
slope is primed to fail. If it
continues to inflate and it reaches
the point of no return, it will be
poised to be one of the biggest
landslides in history.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a college lecture hall at Penn State University, Barry Voight delivers a lecture on the 1958 Lituya Bay earthquake and megatsunami. His presentation is interrupted by the dean, who shares urgent information, prompting Barry's concern. After dismissing the class, he meets with volcanologists at the Forest Service HQ to discuss the potential dangers of a landslide, emphasizing the need for a survey team despite skepticism from Rocky about funding. The scene conveys a tense urgency as Barry insists on the necessity for immediate action to address the geological threat.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of conflict and stakes
  • Informative dialogue
  • Urgency and tension maintained throughout
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Emotional impact could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, informative, and sets up high stakes for the impending disaster. The dialogue is engaging and serves to move the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of impending disaster and the need for scientific monitoring is effectively portrayed in the scene. The focus on the technical aspects of geology adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, setting up the central conflict of the impending volcanic disaster and the need for urgent action. The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of scientific information with character dynamics and humor, creating an engaging and informative setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the characters serve their purpose in conveying information and setting up the conflict, there is room for further development to make them more engaging and memorable.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle hints of character changes, particularly in Barry Voight's concern and urgency in conveying the impending threat. However, more explicit character development could enhance this aspect.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convey the importance of his research and the potential danger of a looming landslide. This reflects his deeper desire to be recognized for his expertise and to prevent a catastrophic event.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his colleagues to take his warning seriously and allocate resources for further research. This reflects the immediate challenge of securing funding and support for his work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene revolves around the urgency of the situation and the differing perspectives on how to address the impending disaster. This conflict drives the narrative forward and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, as the protagonist faces resistance from his colleagues and the bureaucratic constraints of funding and resources.

High Stakes: 9

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes involved in the impending volcanic disaster, emphasizing the potential catastrophic consequences of inaction. The urgency and severity of the situation are palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict, raising the stakes, and setting up the urgency of the impending disaster. It effectively sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a potential natural disaster and the protagonist's urgent plea for action, creating uncertainty about the outcome and the characters' responses.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific evidence and bureaucratic constraints. The protagonist's belief in the importance of his research clashes with the practical limitations of funding and resources.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

While the scene conveys a sense of urgency and concern, there is room to enhance the emotional impact by further developing the characters and their personal stakes in the situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is informative and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and conveying the urgency of the situation. It effectively establishes the expertise of the characters and the severity of the threat.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines scientific information with character dynamics and a sense of urgency, keeping the audience interested in the protagonist's message and the potential consequences of his warning.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and urgency through a combination of dialogue, character interactions, and the protagonist's urgent message, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy sequence in a screenplay, effectively balancing exposition with character interactions and plot progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from a lecture setting to a more urgent discussion about geological risks, which helps maintain narrative momentum. However, the abrupt shift from the lecture hall to the conference room could benefit from a smoother transition to enhance the flow of the story.
  • Barry Voight's character is introduced with a clear professional demeanor, but his emotional response to the dean's interruption could be more vividly portrayed. This would help the audience connect with his character and understand the gravity of the situation he is facing.
  • The dialogue among the volcanologists in the conference room is humorous and adds a light touch to an otherwise serious topic. However, the humor could be more tightly integrated with the plot to ensure it doesn't detract from the urgency of the geological threat being discussed.
  • The stakes in Barry's warning about the north slope are significant, but the scene could benefit from more specific details about the potential consequences of the landslide. This would heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
  • The use of technical jargon, while appropriate for a scientific setting, may alienate some viewers. Consider balancing the technical language with more accessible explanations to ensure that the audience remains engaged and understands the implications of the geological phenomena being discussed.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of internal conflict for Barry Voight after the dean's interruption to illustrate his concern and urgency. This could be shown through a close-up shot or a line of dialogue that reveals his thoughts.
  • Incorporate a visual element that connects the lecture content to the current geological situation, such as a graphic showing the potential impact of the landslide. This would reinforce the stakes and make the information more digestible.
  • Consider having a character express skepticism about Barry's warning in the conference room, which could create tension and lead to a more dynamic discussion about the risks involved.
  • Enhance the dialogue in the conference room by including a moment where the characters reflect on past disasters, drawing parallels to the current situation. This would deepen the emotional weight of the scene and emphasize the urgency of Barry's warning.
  • Ensure that the humor in the dialogue serves to lighten the mood without undermining the seriousness of the geological threat. This could be achieved by having characters use humor to cope with stress rather than diverting attention from the main issue.



Scene 34 -  Tensions Rise in the Kitchen
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - KITCHEN - DAY

Coffee is brewing but that doesn’t stop Rocky from pulling
the pot out early, burning his hand in the process.

RICK HOBLITT
The north slope would fall into
Spirit Lake.

David holds out his coffee cup for Rocky to refill.

DAVID JOHNSTON
We also have to discuss the risk of
a lateral eruption.

That catches everyone by surprise.

DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
These cascades volcanoes are junk
piles -- Conduits can find
weaknesses in the structure, moving
toward the sides instead of the
summit. A landslide could uncork a
cataclysmic eruption event.

RICK HOBLITT
St. Helens is a champagne bottle
lying on its side and it’s pointing
right at Coldwater.
(MORE)
RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
It changes every hazard map we’re
released to the public.

Rocky and Mullineaux look at Dan now.

ROCKY
And what do you think about this?

Dan looks at Mullineaux and Rocky and then at Rick. He nods.

DAN MILLER
I agree with Rick and David. We
need to readjust the hazard maps.

MULLINEAUX
How far?

RICK HOBLITT
Twice the distance at least.

MULLINEAUX
Jesus Christ.

Rick is confused by Rocky and Mullineaux are so furious.

RICK HOBLITT
What do you want us to say?

MULLINEAUX
You’re not the one that has to
communicate to the Survey and ask
for more money!

ROCKY
You’re also not the one picking up
the phone every day, explaining to
these people why they can’t go to
work, why they can’t go back to
their homes.

MULLINEAUX
We’ll lose all credibility if we
change the hazard maps.

Rocky looks at Patty and Don.

ROCKY
What do you two think?

PATTY LIPMAN
I think we’re the most qualified
people in this room and I think
these three bozos are overreacting
right now.


DON SWANSON
I think it’s all bullshit.

DAN MILLER
Screw you!

PATTY LIPMAN
If we would’ve been invited here
sooner we would’ve had this entire
clown-show under control!

Don Swanson nods and agrees.

DON SWANSON
We’ve been working from behind
since we arrived!

ROCKY
All of us have been trying to play
catchup since St. Helens started
talking!

Everyone is quiet now for a moment as Mullineaux steps
forward.

MULLINEAUX
There’s only one of us who has seen
a volcano of this magnitude up
close.

Mullineaux looks at David.

MULLINEAUX (CONT’D)
What would you have us do, David?

David looks around at everyone in the room.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the Forest Service HQ kitchen, Rocky burns his hand while pouring coffee, setting a tense atmosphere as the team debates the urgent need to adjust hazard maps for the Cascades volcanoes. David warns of the risks of a lateral eruption, prompting Rick to advocate for map changes, which leads to frustration and conflict among team members. Mullineaux expresses concern over communication and credibility issues, while Patty and Don defend their qualifications. The scene culminates in a moment of silence as the group looks to David for direction, leaving their next steps uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict and tension
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for dialogue to become overly confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through heated dialogue and conflicting viewpoints, highlighting the urgency and complexity of the volcanic threat. The strong character dynamics and high stakes contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reevaluating hazard maps in the face of escalating volcanic activity is engaging and drives the conflict forward, adding depth to the narrative and raising the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly through the heated discussions and disagreements over the hazard maps, setting up future conflicts and developments related to the volcanic threat.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges of managing natural disasters, focusing on the internal and external conflicts faced by the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and character interactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting personalities and motivations drive the tension in the scene, adding layers to their relationships and individual arcs.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their perspectives and relationships during the scene, setting the stage for further development and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert their expertise and authority in the face of a potential crisis. This reflects their deeper need for validation and respect from their colleagues.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to convince their colleagues to readjust the hazard maps to reflect the increased risk of a cataclysmic eruption. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring public safety and credibility in their work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and ethical disagreements that heighten the drama and stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the volcanic threat and the characters' personal and professional risks add tension and urgency to the scene, emphasizing the potential consequences of their decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and deepening the character dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, unexpected outbursts, and conflicting viewpoints among the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between public safety and professional reputation. The characters must weigh the consequences of changing the hazard maps against the potential loss of credibility and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through the characters' frustrations, fears, and conflicting priorities, drawing the audience into the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' emotions and stakes effectively, enhancing the conflict and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting goals, and intense character dynamics. The dialogue-driven conflict keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and conflict leading to a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and impactful.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character dialogue and action descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension. It effectively conveys the urgency of the situation and the characters' conflicting goals.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency surrounding the potential volcanic threat, but it could benefit from clearer character motivations. Each character's stakes in the discussion about hazard maps should be more explicitly defined to enhance the emotional weight of the conflict. For instance, why is Rick so passionate about the hazard maps? What personal stakes does he have in ensuring public safety?
  • The dialogue is lively and reflects the high stakes of the situation, but it occasionally veers into exposition-heavy territory. While it's important to convey the scientific details, consider breaking up the technical jargon with more personal stakes or anecdotes that illustrate the characters' experiences with volcanic eruptions. This would help ground the scientific discussion in emotional reality.
  • The conflict escalates well, but the resolution feels abrupt. After the heated exchange, there is a moment of silence before Mullineaux turns to David for guidance. This could be an opportunity for David to assert his authority or provide a compelling insight that shifts the group's perspective. Instead, it feels like a passive conclusion to an otherwise active scene.
  • The visual elements in the scene are somewhat lacking. While the dialogue is strong, consider incorporating more visual cues that reflect the tension in the room. For example, describe the characters' body language, the state of the kitchen, or the brewing coffee as a metaphor for the brewing conflict. This would enhance the atmosphere and make the scene more dynamic.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be tightened by reducing repetitive dialogue. For instance, the phrase 'we need to readjust the hazard maps' is reiterated multiple times. Streamlining this dialogue could maintain the urgency without diluting the impact of the message.
Suggestions
  • Clarify each character's personal stakes in the discussion about hazard maps. This could involve adding a line or two that highlights their past experiences with volcanic eruptions or their fears about public safety.
  • Incorporate more personal anecdotes or emotional reactions during the scientific discussions to ground the technical dialogue in character experiences. This will help the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level.
  • Consider expanding Mullineaux's moment of inquiry to David. Allow David to provide a strong, authoritative response that reflects his expertise and leadership, which could serve as a turning point in the scene.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more descriptive elements that reflect the characters' emotions and the tension in the room. Use metaphors or similes to create a vivid atmosphere that complements the dialogue.
  • Tighten the dialogue by eliminating repetitive phrases and focusing on impactful lines that drive the urgency of the situation. This will help maintain the scene's momentum and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 35 -  Reflections on the Ridge
EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - EVENING

A COLDWATER II SIGN is stuck into the ground by Rick.

A few feet away David and Harry are seated next to one
another looking out at St. Helens.

SUPER: Mount St. Helens - Coldwater II Observation Post

A half bottle of whiskey is poured into three tin cups. Rick
walks over to Harry and David and takes a seat.

RICK HOBLITT
Did you always want to do this?


DAVID JOHNSTON
Sleep next to an active volcano?

Harry and Rick laugh.

DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
I wanted to be a photographer. My
mom worked for the local paper and
she got me a part-time job when I
was nine. I always dreamed of
shooting for National Geographic.

RICK HOBLITT
What changed?

DAVID JOHNSTON
One thing led to another and I was
at Washington pursuing my doctorate
in volcanology with an emphasis on
the explosive ones.

HARRY GLICKEN
That’s where we met.

David and Harry cheers their whiskey glasses.

DAVID JOHNSTON
I’ve been trying to solve the
correlation between gas readings
and future eruptions. Maybe there’s
a way to predict it.

RICK HOBLITT
Did you know Augustine was going to
erupt?

DAVID JOHNSTON
Right before we got rescued the SO2
plummeted to almost zero. 24 hours
later Augustine exploded. The shed
we were taking refuge in was
completely incinerated. We wouldn’t
have survived.
(beat)
But I wouldn’t have changed what
happened there. If one of these
mountains decides to go while I’m
on it, what was there before might
not remain but my coordinates will
be there forever. Everyone will
know exactly where I stood -- What
I stand for.

FADE OUT.


INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

A SCIENCE FAIR is happening at the school gym. Rick watches
his daughter from a distance start her presentation with her
HOMEMADE VOLCANO. He smiles but soon all sound begins to fade
out.

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1. RICK HEARS A RUMBLE IN THE DISTANCE

2. HE CLOSES HIS EYES NOW TRYING TO GET OUT OF HIS OWN HEAD

3. A MASSIVE BURNING CLOUD OF ROCK AND ASH SHOOTS INTO THE

AIR

4. A PYROCLASTIC FLOW TUMBLES DOWN A CLIFF

5. TREES ARE BLOWN OVER LIKE BLADES OF GRASS IN THE WIND

6. A FILIPINO CITY CRUMBLES TO THE GROUND AS A PYROCLASTIC

FLOW BURNS EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH

7. A MILITARY BASE IS HIT BY A 50 FOOT WAVE OF MUD

8. A BOBBLE HEAD ON THE DASH OF THE CAR MELTS AWAY

CUT TO BLACK.


EXT. MOUNT SAINT HELENS - FRONT ENTRANCE - MORNING

A crowd of people are waiting by the gate yelling at the park
rangers and police officers

SUPER: One Month Later - May 1980

RESIDENT 1
Let us back in! We have rights!

Rick’s FORD BRONCO exits the open gate right as a few
tourists run past the guards and chaos ensues. Through the
window, Rick sees the commotion as he drives away.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary On the North Ridge of Mount St. Helens, Rick joins David and Harry for a reflective evening of camaraderie over whiskey, as David shares his journey from photographer to volcanologist and their shared experiences with volcanic eruptions. The scene shifts to a school science fair where Rick watches his daughter present a volcano project, but he is haunted by visions of destruction. One month later, chaos ensues as residents demand to return to the park, leaving Rick to drive away from the turmoil.
Strengths
  • Effective use of tension and foreshadowing
  • Strong character development and interactions
  • Compelling theme of reflection and anticipation
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up the tension and foreshadows the impending disaster while providing insight into the characters' motivations and past experiences. The reflective moments add depth to the characters and the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflecting on past experiences while facing an imminent disaster is compelling and adds depth to the characters. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and builds anticipation for the events to come.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through character interactions and reflections, setting the stage for the impending disaster. The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation for the events to follow.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to the theme of scientific exploration and natural disasters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with their past experiences and motivations effectively conveyed. The interactions between Rick, David, and Harry add depth to their personalities and set up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is potential for growth and development based on the reflections and interactions presented. The scene sets the stage for potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 9

David's internal goal in this scene is to find meaning and purpose in his work as a volcanologist. His desire to understand the correlation between gas readings and eruptions reflects his deeper need for significance and impact in his field.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue his research and study of volcanoes despite the inherent risks involved. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of being near an active volcano and the challenges of predicting eruptions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and reflective, setting up the anticipation for the external conflict to come. The tension is primarily driven by the characters' past experiences and the looming threat of the volcano.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing external challenges like the threat of volcanic eruptions and internal conflicts related to their work and personal beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the looming threat of the volcano and the characters' past experiences adding to the sense of urgency and danger. The potential consequences of the impending disaster raise the stakes significantly.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the impending conflict and building anticipation for the events to come. It provides crucial insights into the characters' motivations and past experiences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected events like the eruption sequence and the chaotic aftermath at the park entrance. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate these challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between the pursuit of scientific knowledge and the acceptance of the unpredictable and uncontrollable forces of nature. This challenges David's beliefs in his ability to predict and control volcanic eruptions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, particularly in the reflective moments and the sense of foreboding conveyed. The characters' emotions are palpable, adding depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, setting up the tension and reflecting on past experiences. There are moments of reflection and introspection that add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines personal stories, scientific intrigue, and dramatic tension to create a sense of urgency and suspense. The characters' motivations and conflicts draw the reader in and keep them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to the eruption sequence. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene effectively balances dialogue, action, and visual imagery to create a compelling narrative arc. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the personal aspirations of the characters with the looming threat of volcanic eruptions, creating a poignant emotional resonance. However, the transition from the reflective moment at Mount St. Helens to the chaotic science fair could be more fluid. The abrupt shift in tone may disorient the audience, so consider adding a more gradual transition that connects Rick's internal conflict with the external chaos.
  • David's dialogue about his past and aspirations is engaging, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of general statements about wanting to be a photographer, consider incorporating a specific memory or anecdote that illustrates his passion. This would deepen the audience's connection to his character and make his eventual fate more impactful.
  • The use of whiskey as a bonding element among the characters is a nice touch, but it could be enhanced by showing how it symbolizes their camaraderie and the weight of their profession. Perhaps include a line where they toast to their shared experiences or the dangers they face, reinforcing the theme of brotherhood in the face of adversity.
  • The series of shots depicting Rick's visions of destruction is visually striking but could be more thematically tied to his character arc. Instead of just showing chaos, consider integrating elements that reflect Rick's fears or regrets about his work and its consequences. This would create a stronger emotional throughline and enhance the audience's understanding of his internal struggle.
  • The final lines about Rick's coordinates being remembered forever are powerful, but they could be more impactful if they were tied back to his daughter. Perhaps he could express a desire for her to remember him not just as a scientist but as a father who cared deeply about her safety. This would add a layer of personal stakes to the scene and heighten the emotional tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that connects Rick's reflections on his career with his daughter's presentation, perhaps by having him think about how he wants to be remembered by her.
  • Enhance the transition between the reflective moment and the chaotic science fair by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes, such as the sound of the volcano rumbling subtly in the background as Rick watches his daughter.
  • Include a specific anecdote from David's past that illustrates his passion for photography, making his character more relatable and his fate more poignant.
  • Strengthen the thematic connection between the series of shots and Rick's character by incorporating visuals that reflect his fears or regrets, such as images of his daughter or moments from their past together.
  • Revisit the final lines to ensure they resonate emotionally with the audience, possibly by tying them back to Rick's relationship with his daughter, emphasizing his desire for her to remember him as a caring father.



Scene 36 -  Facing the Abyss
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - MULLINEAUX & ROCKY'S OFFICE - LATER

Mullineaux hands Rocky and INVOICE.


MULLINEAUX
We’re spending $2,000 a day plus an
additional $300 for the helicopter.
The well is drying up, Rocky.

Rocky lowers his head and takes a deep breath.

ROCKY
When did we lose sight of what is
important?

MULLINEAUX
What is important?

ROCKY
The science.

Dan Miller enters the office and slaps down a WASHINGTON POST
NEWSPAPER on Mullineaux’s desk.

INSERT - WASHINGTON POST, which reads: “This apocalypse
refuses to cooperate.”

BACK TO OFFICE - Dan looks at Rocky and then Mullineaux.

DAN MILLER
How can the press release bullshit
like this!?

ROCKY
Close the door.

DAN MILLER
What the hell is going on?


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - CRATER - DAY

A COSPEC device is balancing on the edge of the crater. The
steady hand of David slowly adjusts it toward the smoldering
center of the crater. David steps away from it for a moment.

In David’s hand, SO2 READINGS. He looks at it again.

INSERT - SO2 DATA, which reads: “Mount St. Helens, March:
573, April: 425, May: 320”

BACK TO CRATER - David pulls out another set of SO2 readings.

INSERT - SO2 DATA which reads: “Augustine, February: 759,
March: 428, April: 150”

DAVID JOHNSTON
It’s just like Augustine.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - HALLWAY - LATER

Rick walks down the hallway peering into a few offices and
sees bankers boxes and things suspiciously packed away.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - DAN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Rick hands Dan Miller a SHEET OF PAPER with estimates on it.

DAN MILLER
What is this?

RICK HOBLITT
It’s my formal request.

Dan grabs the paper, skims over it quickly.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
It’s for the surveillance system.
If it’s approved nobody will be
needed at Coldwater II anymore.

Dan crumbles the paper into a ball and tosses it in the
trash.

DAN MILLER
The Survey was never going to spend
$40,000 on a video system. They
can’t even afford you anymore.

Rick is coming to the realization quickly.

DAN MILLER (CONT’D)
The Survey wants a skeleton crew.

RICK HOBLITT
They’re actually convinced St.
Helens is slowing down-

DAN MILLER
-Because she is. HVO is even seeing
slight deceleration. It’s
deflating. Tilt stations show no
consistent activity as of late. St.
Helens’ vital signs are as well
monitored as a patient in an
emergency room, Rick.

RICK HOBLITT
Who is going to remain?

DAN MILLER
David from UW, Don from HVO-


RICK HOBLITT
And you’re representing us --

DAN MILLER
Mullineaux has his daughter’s
graduation and Rocky is heading
back to Denver to work on his essay
on St. Helens -- with you.
(beat)
You got your wish, Rick. You’re
going home.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense meeting at the Forest Service HQ, Mullineaux warns Rocky about the financial strain on their operations, while Rocky laments the loss of focus on their scientific mission. Dan Miller expresses frustration over negative press coverage, and Rick Hoblitt presents a request for a surveillance system, only to learn about impending budget cuts and downsizing. Meanwhile, David Johnston analyzes SO2 readings at Mount St. Helens, highlighting the uncertainty surrounding their work. The scene captures the characters' frustrations and concerns as they confront the reality of diminishing resources and the seriousness of their mission.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and actions of the characters. It sets up a crucial turning point in the story and leaves the audience eager to see how the situation will unfold.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the characters' conflicting views on the volcano's activity and the implications of their decisions. It effectively conveys the scientific and personal aspects of the situation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene advances the story by introducing a critical development that will impact the characters' roles in monitoring the volcano. It raises the stakes and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of scientific research and media scrutiny in a high-pressure environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are clearly portrayed. The scene allows for character growth and reveals their individual perspectives on the situation.

Character Changes: 8

The scene prompts significant character development, particularly for Rick, as he faces the consequences of his actions and decisions. It sets the stage for potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a focus on the importance of scientific research amidst external pressures and distractions. This reflects his deeper need for validation of his expertise and dedication to his work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the challenges of budget cuts and staff reductions while ensuring the safety and accuracy of monitoring volcanic activity. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in his role.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and ethical dilemmas. It drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes through the characters' decisions and the potential consequences of their actions. It creates a sense of urgency and importance in the ongoing monitoring of the volcano.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a critical decision point and escalating the conflict between the characters. It sets up future events and raises the stakes for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character motivations and the shifting dynamics between the protagonists. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between prioritizing scientific accuracy and public perception. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of objective data and the impact of media sensationalism on scientific integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in terms of tension, frustration, and concern for the characters' fates. It sets up a compelling emotional arc for the story.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and realistic, reflecting the characters' emotions and the high stakes of the situation. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and interpersonal conflicts. The reader is drawn into the tension and drama of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of dialogue, action, and tension that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension. It effectively builds towards a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and tension regarding the budget cuts and the implications for the team’s work. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic. For instance, Dan's frustration with the press could be expanded to include more specific examples of how the media's portrayal affects their credibility and funding, which would deepen the stakes.
  • The transition between the office and the crater feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the bureaucratic struggles with the scientific observations, a smoother transition could enhance the flow. Consider adding a brief moment where Rick reflects on the implications of the SO2 readings before moving to the next location.
  • The emotional weight of the budget cuts and the potential downsizing of the team is present, but it could be heightened through more visceral reactions from Rick and Dan. Instead of just stating the facts, incorporating their emotional responses—fear, anger, or disbelief—could make the stakes feel more personal and relatable.
  • The dialogue, while functional, lacks subtext in some areas. For example, when Dan dismisses Rick's request, it could be more impactful if he expressed a personal conflict about the decision, perhaps revealing his own fears about the future of their work or the consequences of abandoning Coldwater II.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. For instance, showing the packed boxes and the state of disarray in the office could symbolize the chaos and uncertainty they are facing. This would create a stronger visual metaphor for the impending crisis.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more specific examples of how the press's portrayal affects their work and funding. This will add depth to Dan's frustration and make the stakes clearer.
  • Consider adding a transitional moment where Rick reflects on the SO2 readings and their implications for the team’s future before moving to the next location. This will create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Heighten the emotional stakes by allowing Rick and Dan to express their fears and frustrations more vividly. This could involve them sharing personal anecdotes or fears about the consequences of the budget cuts.
  • Introduce subtext in the dialogue, particularly in Dan's dismissal of Rick's request. Allow him to reveal his own internal conflict about the decision, which will add complexity to his character.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as the state of the office and the packed boxes, to symbolize the chaos and uncertainty they are facing. This will enhance the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 37 -  Shifting Ground
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - KITCHEN - LATER

INSERT - TELEVISION, which shows: HARRY TRUMAN’S INTERVIEW

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
(on TV)
What are you gonna do if it gets
really bad? I mean, if the danger
becomes really great?

HARRY TRUMAN
(on TV)
I’m gonna sit right here and pour
myself another Swindler’s and say,
“come and get me.”

BACK TO KITCHEN - Rick sees David approaching him holding SO2
readings.

DAVID JOHNSTON
I think St. Helens is pressurizing-

RICK HOBLITT
-They’re sending me home, David.

David stops. He can’t believe it.

DAVID JOHNSTON
What?

RICK HOBLITT
Dan just told me. Rocky and
Mullineaux are dissolving the team.

DAVID JOHNSTON
This is bullshit! We shouldn’t be
turning out back on this!

Rick nods as David finally cools off and comes to terms with
it.


DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, Rick.

RICK HOBLITT
Don’t be. It’s no mistake why
they’re keeping you here. The
Survey only wants the best.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Take these. You can use it for your
essay.

David hands Rick the SO2 READINGS.

Rick looks at them.


INT. STATION WAGON - DAY

David turns the wheel down a dirt road and spots another
vehicle parked on the side.

A photographer, who will be known as REID BLACKBURN (holding
a CAMERA on a tripod) hears David’s STATION WAGON pull up.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Are you with the press?

REID BLACKBURN
National Geographic.

DAVID JOHNSTON
No shit -- Good luck up there.

REID BLACKBURN
You too.

Reid Blackburn watches David drive up the mountain.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - EVENING

Harry Glicken is sitting on a stump jotting down notes in his
NOTEBOOK when he hears David’s STATION WAGON drive up and
park. David exits.

HARRY GLICKEN
Where’s Rick?

DAVID JOHNSTON
He’s going home.

Harry’s head drops down.


DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
They’re sending you home too.

The bad news keeps on coming for Harry.

Harry extends his hand to shake David’s. David grabs his hand
and shakes it but to Harry’s surprise gives him a hug as
well.

DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, Harry.

HARRY GLICKEN
It’s all right. Rocky and
Mullineaux already told me they
wouldn’t have a position for me
once I was done with school.
(beat)
But it’s all right. Rick told me
he’d setup a meeting for me with
some French volcanologists he
knows. I’ll see you around, David.

Silhouetted against the backdrop of Mount St. Helens and the
setting sun, Harry slowly walks toward his car and drives
away.

FADE OUT.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - MORNING

Two stumbling pairs of feet try sliding into untied
boots.Mount St. Helens is very clear and David looks up at
it.

SUPER: Mount St. Helens - May 18, 1980 - 8:30AM

The RADIO is sitting on the ground.

DON SWANSON (O.S.)
(on the radio)
How are things up there? Vancouver,
over.

David’s hand reaches for the RADIO.

DAVID JOHNSTON
(to the radio)
Oh, it’s very nice, over. You can
see the mountain clearly.


DON SWANSON (O.S.)
(on the radio)
Very good, over. I’ll be out there
this afternoon to relieve you,
Vancouver out.

David takes a seat on his bench and begins to write in his
notebook. The GROUND BEGINS TO SHAKE BENEATH HIS FEET.

DAVID JOHNSTON
Whoa -- that’s a good one.

David continues to write. ANOTHER JOLT. David tumbles off the
bench.

DAVID JOHNSTON (CONT’D)
Okay -- you have my attention --

David picks himself up, looking toward the mountain -- His
eyes grow wide as he witnesses the ENTIRE NORTH SIDE OF THE
MOUNTAIN BEGIN TO SEPARATE AND SLIDE DOWN.

From David’s point of view, it’s an unbelievably massive
amount of land being moved. It’s almost inconceivable in
size.

THE GROUND SHAKES EVEN HARDER KNOCKING DAVID DOWN.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the Forest Service HQ kitchen, Rick Hoblitt informs David Johnston that their team is being dissolved, leaving David frustrated and disheartened. Rick reassures him of his value and provides SO2 readings for his essay. David then meets photographer Reid Blackburn before heading to Mount St. Helens, where he encounters Harry Glicken, who is also being sent home. They share a moment of camaraderie before Harry departs. The next morning, as David prepares for the day, he experiences tremors that lead to a massive landslide, highlighting the impending danger of the mountain.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' farewell amidst the impending volcanic eruption and team dissolution. The tension, drama, and emotional depth are well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and sacrifices.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of bidding farewell amidst a natural disaster and team dissolution is poignant and impactful. It adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative, showcasing the sacrifices made in the face of impending danger.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene effectively moves the story forward by highlighting the emotional struggles of the characters and the imminent threat of the volcanic eruption. It adds layers to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the personal and professional struggles of the characters involved in monitoring a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with their emotional turmoil and sacrifices portrayed convincingly. The scene allows for character growth and showcases their resilience in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes, particularly in accepting their fate and saying goodbye to each other. The scene marks a significant shift in their emotional states and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with being sent home from the survey team and to maintain a sense of professionalism and acceptance in the face of disappointment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to continue monitoring the volcanic activity and communicate with the team back at the headquarters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their impending separation and the looming volcanic eruption. The emotional conflict adds depth to the narrative and engages the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult decisions and conflicting priorities. The uncertainty of the volcanic activity adds to the opposition and keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing the dual threats of team dissolution and a catastrophic volcanic eruption. The impending danger and emotional farewells heighten the tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the emotional stakes, character dynamics, and the imminent volcanic eruption. It paves the way for future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the characters' fates and the outcome of the volcanic eruption. The unexpected decisions made by the characters add to the unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' dedication to their work and the decisions made by their superiors. It challenges their beliefs in the importance of their research and the value of their contributions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, shock, and resignation in the audience. The poignant farewell and impending disaster create a sense of urgency and emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions present in the scene. While not overly complex, it serves its purpose in enhancing the character interactions and emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively builds tension and suspense, leading up to the dramatic moment of the volcanic eruption. The personal and professional conflicts of the characters add depth to the narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading up to the climactic moment of the volcanic eruption. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in the disaster genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre film, building tension and suspense leading up to the climactic moment of the volcanic eruption.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of impending doom and personal loss, particularly through the dialogue between Rick and David. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by incorporating more visual elements that reflect the characters' internal struggles, such as close-ups of their expressions or the environment around them, which can symbolize their feelings of helplessness.
  • The transition from the kitchen to the outdoor scenes feels abrupt. While the shift in setting is necessary for the narrative, it could benefit from a smoother transition that maintains the emotional tone established in the kitchen. Consider adding a brief moment where David reflects on Rick's departure before driving away, which would deepen the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue is realistic and captures the frustration of the characters well, but it could be more dynamic. For instance, instead of having David simply state 'This is bullshit!', consider a more nuanced expression of his feelings that reveals his character's depth and the stakes involved. This could also help to elevate the tension in the scene.
  • The introduction of Reid Blackburn feels somewhat disconnected from the main emotional arc of the scene. While it serves to introduce another character, it might be more effective to integrate this moment more closely with the emotional stakes of Rick and David's conversation. Perhaps Reid could overhear their conversation, adding to the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • The ending of the scene, while visually striking with the silhouette of Harry against Mount St. Helens, could be more impactful if it included a moment of reflection or a final line that encapsulates the gravity of their situation. This would leave the audience with a stronger emotional resonance as the scene transitions to the next.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as close-ups or environmental details, to enhance the emotional weight of the characters' dialogue.
  • Create a smoother transition between the kitchen and the outdoor scenes by adding a reflective moment for David before he drives away, reinforcing the emotional stakes.
  • Revise David's dialogue to express his frustration in a more nuanced way, revealing deeper layers of his character and the situation's stakes.
  • Integrate Reid Blackburn's introduction more closely with the emotional arc of Rick and David's conversation, perhaps by having him overhear their discussion, which could heighten the tension.
  • Consider adding a final reflective moment or line at the end of the scene that encapsulates the gravity of the situation, leaving the audience with a stronger emotional impact as the scene transitions.



Scene 38 -  Eruption's Embrace
INT. SPIRIT LAKE LODGE - SAME TIME

The whiskey ripples in Harry Truman’s glass and he braces
himself from the massive earthquake.

ALL GOES BLACK outside his windows as they shatter.


EXT. SPIRIT LAKE LODGE - SAME TIME

200 FEET OF MOUNTAIN CRUSHES SPIRIT LAKE IN A FLASH. An 820
FOOT TSUNAMI SHOOTS STRAIGHT INTO THE SKY FROM SPIRIT LAKE as
all the water is displaced in seconds. IT CRASHES DOWN ON THE
SURROUNDING HILLS.

ENTIRE FORESTS ARE FLATTENED BY IT.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE HILLSIDE - SAME TIME

David’s hand is pressed against the soil and the dirt
trembles between his fingers. He reaches for the RADIO,
stands, and looks out at Mount St. Helens.


DAVID JOHNSTON
(to the radio)
Vancouver, Vancouver. This is it!
(pause)
Vancouver! This is Johnston, over!

Everything goes silent. Everything moves in slow motion.

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1. SUDDENLY A MASSIVE DIRECT BLAST OF BLACK ASH AND ROCK
SHOOTS FROM THE NORTH SIDE OF MOUNT ST. HELENS

2. DAVID JOHNSTON’S HAIR IS BLOWN BACKWARDS, HE SQUINTS

3. BOULDERS THE SIZE OF HOUSES, TREES, ENTIRE FORESTS EVEN,
ARE HOISTED UP LIKE A DARK TIDAL WAVE OF DEBRIS AND FIRE AND
ITS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR COLDWATER II AND DAVID

4. SUDDENLY A SECOND MASSIVE EXPLOSION OF THICK BLACK ASH
SHOOTS OUT LATERALLY TOWARD DAVID

5. DAVID DOESN’T MOVE -- HE’S FROZEN -- HE KNOWS HE’S STARING
DOWN THE BARREL OF A GUN

6. THE GROUND A FEW MILES CLOSER IS RIPPED FROM THE EARTH TO
THE BEDROCK BELOW -- IT’S INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN SCALE

7. FORESTS AND CHUNKS OF MOUNTAIN THE SIZE OF SPORTS
STADIUMS, DISMEMBERING IN MIDAIR, TURNING EVERYTHING INTO
OILY BLACK CHURNING CLOUDS OF 300 DEGREES

8. SEVENTY-EIGHT SECONDS AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE BEGAN, THE
HURRICANE OF STONE, ICE, WOOD, AND FIRE REACHES COLDWATER II

9. DAVID’S EYES SLOWLY CLOSE. HE KNOWS IN A SPLIT SECOND OF
SOUNDLESS DARKNESS HE WILL BE CONSUMED


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE - SAME TIME

A RADIO is in a hand and is pulled up to Reid Blackburn. He
sees David standing on a hillside right as Coldwater II and
David is sandblasted from existence. He knows David is dead.

REID BLACKBURN
(to the radio)
Gentlemen, the, uh -- camper and
car sitting over to the south of me
-- it’s covered.

A PYROCLASTIC FLOW SURGES toward Reid Blackburn like fumes
flowing out of a beaker. It moves at a fantastic rate,
impossible speeds. It THROWS ROCKS AND BOULDERS ahead of it.


Grabbing his CAMERA and RADIO, Reid slides into his car.


INT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE - CAR - CONTINUOUS

The PYROCLASTIC FLOW is seen through the windshield now as
Reid holds up the RADIO as he hunkers down.

REID BLACKBURN
(to the radio)
It’s gonna get me too -- I can’t
get out of here -- I’m not gonna
make it --

He closes his eyes as the PYROCLASTIC FLOW reaches his car.
Everything is dark now as ash and rock pelt the exterior.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH RIDGE - CAR - CONTINUOUS

ALL FOUR TIRES MELT. The car drops onto its frame. The
windows shatter. ASH FLOWS INTO THE SHATTERED WINDOWS. THE
BOBBLE HEAD ON THE DASH MELTS AWAY.

CUT TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Disaster","Action","Thriller"]

Summary As Harry Truman braces for an earthquake at Spirit Lake Lodge, a massive landslide triggers an 820-foot tsunami, devastating the area. David Johnston, sensing the danger, tries to warn Vancouver but is soon engulfed by a pyroclastic flow from Mount St. Helens. Reid Blackburn, witnessing the destruction from afar, realizes he cannot escape the impending doom as his car is consumed by the flow, leading to a dark and catastrophic end.
Strengths
  • Intense and dramatic portrayal of a natural disaster
  • High emotional impact and tension
  • Realistic and vivid descriptions of the eruption
  • Effective use of visuals and imagery to convey the devastation
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character development in the midst of the disaster
  • Limited dialogue that focuses more on action and reaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is exceptionally well-crafted, delivering a high level of intensity, emotion, and impact. The vivid descriptions and imagery create a sense of impending doom and tragedy, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of portraying a catastrophic volcanic eruption is executed with precision and authenticity, drawing the audience into the heart of the disaster. The scene effectively conveys the sheer scale and devastation of such an event.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene is crucial, as it marks a significant turning point in the story with the eruption of Mount St. Helens. The event propels the narrative forward and sets the stage for the aftermath and consequences.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a fresh approach to depicting a natural disaster, focusing on the personal experiences and emotions of the characters amidst the chaos. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the event itself rather than individual character development, the reactions and actions of David and Reid add depth and humanity to the scene. Their responses to the unfolding disaster enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

While there is not a significant character arc in this particular scene, the experience of facing such a catastrophic event undoubtedly leaves a lasting impact on the characters involved, changing them in profound ways.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival and acceptance of impending death. This reflects his deeper fear of mortality and the realization of his own mortality in the face of a natural disaster.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to document and communicate the volcanic eruption for scientific purposes. This reflects the immediate challenge of capturing crucial data before the disaster engulfs him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, as the characters face a life-threatening situation with the eruption of Mount St. Helens. The struggle for survival and the overwhelming force of nature create a sense of imminent danger and desperation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing insurmountable odds in the face of the natural disaster. The audience is kept on edge as they witness the characters' struggle for survival.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as the characters face a life-or-death situation with the catastrophic eruption of Mount St. Helens. The risk of loss, destruction, and devastation is palpable, heightening the tension and drama of the moment.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by introducing a major turning point with the eruption of Mount St. Helens. The event sets the stage for further developments and consequences, driving the narrative forward with a sense of urgency and drama.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and unexpected nature of the natural disaster, keeping the audience unsure of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of human curiosity and scientific pursuit against the uncontrollable forces of nature. It challenges the protagonist's belief in the power of knowledge and technology in the face of natural disasters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene delivers a profound emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and sorrow as the characters face the catastrophic eruption. The sense of loss, tragedy, and finality resonates strongly with the audience, eliciting a visceral response.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying urgency, fear, and desperation in the face of imminent danger. The radio communications and brief exchanges effectively heighten the tension and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional depth. The imminent danger faced by the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the escalating danger faced by the characters. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a visually engaging manner. It follows the expected format for a disaster genre scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conveys the escalating danger faced by the characters. It adheres to the expected format for a disaster genre scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through vivid imagery and a sense of impending doom, particularly with the use of sensory details like the 'whiskey ripples' and the 'massive earthquake.' However, the pacing could be improved by balancing the action with moments of character reflection or dialogue, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with David and Reid's experiences.
  • The transition from Harry's perspective to David's is abrupt. While it serves to heighten the stakes, it may benefit from a smoother transition that maintains the emotional weight of Harry's situation. Consider adding a brief moment where Harry's fear or realization of the disaster's scale is juxtaposed with David's impending fate.
  • The use of slow motion and the series of shots effectively conveys the chaos of the eruption, but the language could be tightened. Phrases like 'SUDDENLY A MASSIVE DIRECT BLAST' could be rephrased to maintain urgency without redundancy. For instance, simply stating 'A MASSIVE BLAST OF BLACK ASH' would suffice.
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could benefit from a stronger connection to the characters' motivations. Why is David so focused on the radio? What does he hope to achieve? Adding a line that reflects his urgency or desperation could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The ending, while powerful, feels somewhat abrupt. The finality of David's fate is clear, but consider adding a moment of reflection or a final thought from Reid before the scene cuts to black. This could provide a more poignant conclusion and allow the audience to process the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a brief moment of introspection for David before the eruption, perhaps reflecting on his past experiences or his hopes for the future. This could deepen the audience's emotional investment in his character.
  • Smooth the transition between Harry and David's perspectives by including a line that connects their experiences, such as Harry realizing the danger David is in, which could heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Revise repetitive phrases to maintain urgency and clarity. For example, instead of 'SUDDENLY A MASSIVE DIRECT BLAST,' simply use 'A MASSIVE BLAST OF BLACK ASH' to streamline the language.
  • Add a line that highlights David's motivation for communicating with Vancouver, such as a sense of duty or a desire to warn others, to enhance the emotional stakes of his situation.
  • Consider extending the scene's conclusion with a moment of reflection from Reid before the cut to black, allowing the audience to absorb the tragedy of the moment and the loss of David.



Scene 39 -  Eruption Chaos
INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - MONITORING ROOM - MORNING

Don Swanson walks into the room sipping his coffee. He passes
a SEISMOGRAPH DRUM and sees the PEN SLASHING on all sides
rapidly.

He drops his coffee mug on the floor and it shatters.


INT. HARRY GLICKEN’S CAR - SAME TIME

The left side mirror shows Mount St. Helens erupting as Harry
slams on his brakes, swerves into the other side of the road,
and makes a dangerous u-turn.


EXT. CAMPSITE - SAME TIME

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1. A GROUP OF CAMPERS ARE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES

2. TREES BEGIN TO RAIN DOWN ON THEM

3. THEY ARE CRUSHED IN SECONDS

4. A BLACK CLOUD OF ASH OVERWHELMS THE ENTIRE AREA


EXT. FOREST - SAME TIME

5. THREE TIMBER WORKERS ARE WALKING DOWN A PATH HOLDING

CHAINSAWS

6. A FOURTH TIMBER WORKER COMES RUNNING BY

7. ALL FOUR ARE CONSUMED IN THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW

8. SKIN IS BURNED -- HAIR IS SINGED OFF

9. TREES TURN TO CHARCOAL

10. A CHAINSAW DROPS TO THE GROUND

11. FOUR BODIES LIE SMOLDERING IN THE FLATTENED FOREST


EXT. CREEK - SAME TIME

12. A TENT IS NEAR A RIVER

13. A MASSIVE WALL OF WATER, MUD, BOULDERS


EXT. DAM - SAME TIME

14. THE LAHAR MOVES TOWARD A DAM

15. IT DISINTEGRATES THE DAM IN SECONDS

16. IT SURGES DOWN THE RIVERS AND VALLEYS DESTROYING FORESTS,
BRIDGES, CARS -- EVERYTHING

17. IN THE DISTANCE, MOUNT ST. HELENS CONTINUE TO SHOOT OUT
ASH INTO THE ATMOSPHERE
Genres: ["Disaster","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and catastrophic scene, Don Swanson reacts in shock to the seismograph's alarming readings at the Forest Service HQ, while Harry Glicken witnesses the eruption of Mount St. Helens from his car and makes a desperate U-turn to escape. Chaos ensues as campers flee from falling trees and are engulfed by ash, while timber workers face a deadly pyroclastic flow. The destruction escalates as a lahar obliterates a dam, surging down rivers and valleys, all amidst the ongoing eruption, highlighting the imminent danger and devastation.
Strengths
  • Intense visuals
  • High-stakes tension
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the chaos and destruction of a volcanic eruption. The tension and fear are palpable, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a catastrophic volcanic eruption is compelling and well-realized in the scene. It effectively captures the high-stakes nature of such a disaster and the immediate impact on the characters involved.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the eruption of Mount St. Helens and its devastating consequences, driving the action and tension forward. The stakes are high, and the plot progression is engaging.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting a natural disaster and the authenticity of the characters' reactions to the unfolding crisis.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the event of the eruption than individual character development, the scene effectively conveys the fear and desperation of the characters facing the disaster.

Character Changes: 7

While there may not be significant character development in the scene, the characters undergo a change in their circumstances and mindset due to the eruption, reflecting the immediate impact of the disaster.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and coping with the immediate threat posed by the volcanic eruption. This reflects their primal instinct for self-preservation and the fear of facing a life-threatening situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the destructive path of the volcanic eruption and find safety. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of the natural disaster unfolding around them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is extremely high, with characters facing imminent danger and fighting for survival in the face of a catastrophic eruption.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing overwhelming odds and a life-threatening situation that adds to the suspense and uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with characters facing life-threatening danger and the potential loss of everything they hold dear in the face of a catastrophic volcanic eruption.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing a major turning point in the narrative, where the eruption of Mount St. Helens dramatically alters the course of events and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and unexpected nature of the volcanic eruption, creating a sense of chaos and danger that keeps the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between human beings and the uncontrollable forces of nature. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about their ability to control their environment and highlights the fragility of human existence in the face of natural disasters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and dread in the audience as they witness the devastation caused by the volcanic eruption.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying urgency and fear in the face of the eruption. It serves to enhance the overall tension and atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional impact, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats as they witness the characters' struggle for survival.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggle for survival.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a disaster genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional impact of the unfolding events.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the escalating tension and chaos of the volcanic eruption, following a logical progression of events in different locations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and chaos, which is crucial given the catastrophic nature of the events unfolding. The use of rapid cuts between different locations enhances the feeling of widespread destruction and panic, immersing the audience in the horror of the volcanic eruption.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more character-driven moments. While the visuals are powerful, the emotional impact could be heightened by including brief glimpses of the characters' reactions to the chaos around them. For instance, showing Harry's fear or desperation as he witnesses the eruption could create a stronger connection between the audience and the characters.
  • The transition between the monitoring room and the various outdoor scenes is effective, but the pacing could be improved. The rapid succession of shots, while visually striking, may overwhelm the audience. Consider allowing for brief pauses or slower transitions to give viewers a moment to absorb the gravity of each situation before moving on to the next.
  • The descriptions of the destruction are vivid and impactful, but they could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details beyond just the visual. For example, including sounds (the roar of the eruption, the cracking of trees, the screams of campers) could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The scene's structure is clear, but it may benefit from a stronger thematic connection. Consider weaving in a recurring motif or symbol that ties the destruction back to the characters' earlier discussions or experiences, reinforcing the stakes and emotional weight of the disaster.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate brief character reactions amidst the chaos to enhance emotional engagement. For example, show Harry's panic as he realizes the eruption is happening, or include a moment of horror from the campers as they see the ash cloud approaching.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene by allowing for slower transitions between shots. This could involve lingering on certain images or reactions to give the audience time to process the devastation.
  • Add sensory details to the descriptions of destruction. Include sounds, smells, and tactile sensations to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider introducing a thematic element that connects the destruction back to the characters' earlier discussions. This could be a visual motif or a line of dialogue that echoes throughout the scene, reinforcing the emotional stakes.
  • Review the visual descriptions for clarity and impact. Ensure that each shot serves a purpose in advancing the narrative or deepening the emotional resonance of the scene.



Scene 40 -  Descent into Despair
EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - PARKING LOT - LATER

A helicopter is primed to take off. Don Swanson sprints
toward it but he’s intercepted by Harry Glicken to his
surprise but neither need to say a word. They board the
helicopter and it takes off immediately.


INT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HELICOPTER - MOMENTS LATER

A massive Plinian eruption column is rising from the now
broken Mount St. Helens. The north flank of the mountain is
missing having collapsed and blasted away.


The new Spirit Lake two hundred feet above the old lake and
its surface thick with trees stripped of bark and branches is
seen in the hazy distance.

Harry looks around frantically at the landscape.

Don Swanson continues to look at the devastation from the
other side. He can’t find it either. He can’t find anything.

HARRY GLICKEN
Where is it? Where is Coldwater II?

They spot a car just below their position.

HARRY GLICKEN (CONT’D)
We gotta set it down!

IN THE COCKPIT - The old veteran pilot slowly pulls the pitch
controls and lowers.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - FOREST - CONTINUOUS

Two PARAMEDICS appear out of the mist and pull two bodies out
of the window of the car but the bodies are charred and
neither look like David.


INT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS

Don turns back to face Harry.

OLD VETERAN PILOT (O.S.)
We’re kicking up too much debris! I
gotta pull up!

HARRY GLICKEN
We gotta find David!

Harry is pissed.

OLD VETERAN PILOT (O.S.)
It’s too dangerous!

DON SWANSON
He’s right, Harry.

HARRY GLICKEN
What the hell are you talking
about!?

DON SWANSON
It’s gone! It’s not there anymore!


Harry closes his eyes as tears drip down his cheek.

DON SWANSON (CONT’D)
David is gone -- He’s dead. I’m so
sorry.

He looks over at Harry who is inconsolable at the moment.


INT. UW - SEISMIC MONITORING ROOM - MORNING

A PHONE RINGS and Malone rushes to it and answers. Malone’s
expression turns into sadness within seconds.


INT. FOREST SERVICE HQ - DAN’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Dan sets the PHONE DOWN on his desk.

He takes a breath and exhales. He picks it up again and dials
another number.


INT. RICK’S HOUSE - NURSERY - SAME TIME

His NEWBORN DAUGHTER smiles at Rick while she is rocked in
his arms.

Marian walks up to the door from the hallway holding the
PHONE and Rick sees her. Marian takes their daughter and
continues to rock her to sleep as Rick exits with the PHONE.

INT. RICK'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Rick places the phone slowly against his ear. He speaks but
there is no sound.

With his back against the hallway wall, he drops down to the
floor in defeat. Tears well up in his eyes.

Rick finally looks up and sees Marian’s hand reaching for
him.

He grabs her hand and Marian pulls him back up to his feet.
She wraps her arms around him in a warm embrace.


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - MORNING

SUPER: Two Weeks Later

The sun is slightly blotted out by the thick ash.


Rick is digging up Rock and Ash with his shovel. He looks
over and sees Harry, also digging next to him. Rick takes a
short break.

He turns and sees MAURICE and KATIA KRAFT, (the famous French
volcanologist from the video,) approach them. They wave to
Rick.

Rick shakes their hands and introduces Harry Glicken to them.
Harry shakes their hands.

Rick smiles for once, having hopefully helped Harry land a
career with the two French volcanologists.

Rick now focuses on the now collapses Mount St. Helens and
looks at the misty, fractured corner where the eruption and
eventual avalanche washed over the land.

FADE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Don Swanson and Harry Glicken embark on a helicopter search for David following the catastrophic eruption at Mount St. Helens. As they survey the devastated landscape, they discover a car containing two charred bodies, which do not belong to David. Harry's desperation clashes with Don's grim acceptance of the likely truth, leading to an emotional confrontation. Meanwhile, other characters, including Malone, Dan, Rick, and Marian, navigate their own struggles in the disaster's aftermath. The scene concludes with a time jump to two weeks later, where Rick and Harry are seen digging in the ash, symbolizing the ongoing efforts to recover from the tragedy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of grief
  • Impactful visuals
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama if not handled carefully

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the emotional weight of the situation and the aftermath of the eruption. The tension, grief, and devastation are palpable, making it a powerful and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a volcanic eruption and the emotional toll it takes on the characters is compelling and well-executed. It adds depth and realism to the story, showcasing the human side of natural disasters.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene focuses on the aftermath of the eruption and the characters' reactions, moving the story forward emotionally and thematically. It adds layers to the narrative and deepens the audience's connection to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the aftermath of a natural disaster, focusing on the personal and emotional consequences for the characters involved. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene are portrayed with depth and authenticity, allowing the audience to empathize with their grief and loss. Their emotional journey is compelling and adds richness to the overall story.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, particularly in coming to terms with the loss of their colleague and the devastation of the eruption. Their grief and resilience are evident, showcasing their growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the death of David, as reflected in Don Swanson's realization and apology to Harry Glicken. This reflects deeper themes of grief, loss, and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find David, as shown through Harry Glicken's frantic search for Coldwater II. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of locating a missing person in the aftermath of the volcanic eruption.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the devastating aftermath of the eruption and the loss of their colleague. The emotional conflict and grief drive the scene's intensity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the characters' conflicting goals and emotions, adds complexity and drama to the narrative. The uncertainty of the search for David creates suspense and keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters grapple with the loss of their colleague and the devastating aftermath of the eruption. Their emotional well-being and resilience are put to the test, adding depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward emotionally and thematically, deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and the impact of the eruption. It sets the stage for further developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' emotional journeys. The outcome of the search for David and the characters' reactions are not easily predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around acceptance of loss and the harsh reality of death. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about hope and perseverance in the face of tragedy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, grief, and devastation in the audience. The raw and authentic portrayal of loss makes it a poignant and memorable moment in the screenplay.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the devastating events. It is poignant and realistic, adding to the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, dramatic tension, and character development. The high stakes and personal conflicts keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-presented and enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters, moving from tension and conflict to acceptance and closure. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, particularly in the interactions between Don and Harry. However, the transition from the helicopter to the aftermath of the eruption could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the helicopter's urgency to the somber discovery of the bodies feels jarring. Consider adding a moment of reflection or dialogue that bridges these two emotional states more cohesively.
  • The dialogue effectively conveys the despair and urgency of the situation, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, Harry's anger and desperation could be shown through his actions rather than just his words. Perhaps he could physically struggle against Don's attempts to pull him back, emphasizing his emotional state without needing to state it outright.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the devastated landscape. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details. What do the characters smell? What sounds accompany the chaos? Adding these elements can immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the transition to Rick's storyline feels abrupt. The emotional impact of Harry's loss could be further emphasized by lingering on the aftermath before shifting to Rick. This would allow the audience to fully absorb the gravity of the situation before moving on.
  • The introduction of Maurice and Katia Kraft at the end is a nice touch, but it feels somewhat rushed. Consider developing this moment further to highlight the significance of their arrival and how it impacts Rick and Harry. This could serve as a moment of hope amidst the tragedy.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of silence or a shared look between Don and Harry after they discover the bodies to emphasize the weight of their loss before transitioning to Rick's storyline.
  • Incorporate more physical actions from Harry that reflect his emotional turmoil, such as pacing or gripping the helicopter's controls tightly, to convey his desperation without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing the acrid smell of ash, the distant rumble of the volcano, or the eerie silence that follows the chaos, which can heighten the tension and emotional impact.
  • Consider extending the focus on the aftermath of the eruption before shifting to Rick, allowing the audience to fully process the devastation and loss experienced by Harry and Don.
  • Develop the moment with Maurice and Katia Kraft further, perhaps by having them express their condolences or share a brief conversation with Rick and Harry that underscores the importance of their work and the hope for the future.



Scene 41 -  Torn Between Duty and Family
INT. RICK'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

A cup of coffee is placed on a table in front of Rick as
Marian sits across from him.

SUPER: 1991

Rick looks down at an OLD NEWSPAPER.

INSERT - NEWSPAPER, which reads: THE SEATTLE TIMES - “MOUNT
ST. HELEN’S DEATH TOLL REACHES 57”

BACK TO KITCHEN - Rick looks over at Marian now.

RICK HOBLITT
Only two people were killed inside
the hazard zone.

Marian stays quiet.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
That’s why I have to go.

She looks up, clearing not wanting to hear that.

MARIAN
Maybe I don’t want you to be
another casualty on a hillside.
(starting to cry)
Maybe I don’t want our daughter to
grow up without a father. I -- I
don’t know what we would do without
you...


INT. RICK'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

Rick’s daughter (age 10) has tears in her eyes. She looks
down at the PAPER she’s holding and it has the COORDINATES.

RICK HOBLITT
You’ll know exactly where I am.

Rick’s daughter is sobbing now.

Tears well up in Rick’s eyes but he just wipes them away.

He finally walks toward the door and exits.


INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - DAN’S OFFICE - MORNING

Spread all around Dan’s desk are various NEWSPAPERS and
ARTICLES.

INSERT - ARTICLE, which reads: “Volcanologists cry wolf,
wrongly predict cataclysmic eruption...”

INSERT - NEWSPAPER, which reads: “Millions of dollars lost,
economic recovery to take years... ”

INSERT - NEWSPAPER, which reads: “Dan Miller received death
threats... Bomb threats... ”

BACK TO OFFICE - Dan slowly looks up from his desk. He takes
a deep breath.


INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - PATTY LIPMAN'S OFFICE - LATER

Patty Lipman (older now by ten years) is sitting at her desk
when she looks up at Dan Miller, sitting across from her.

PATTY LIPMAN
You have taken the only mobile
volcano-monitoring equipment the
Survey owned!

DAN MILLER
Technically, they belong to the
State Department-

PATTY LIPMAN
-They belong here! And the only
source of funds available that I’m
able to pull from is to curtail the
field season of other geologists
that have been planning for years!


Patty Lipman takes a breath.

PATTY LIPMAN (CONT’D)
How am I going to justify that for
a volcano that might have a slight
fever!?

DAN MILLER
You’ve been against me ever since
St. Helens-

PATTY LIPMAN
-And you were against us. But this
time it’s bigger than you and me.
(beat)
Call them and tell them it’s over.
Or I will.

Dan lowers his head in defeat.


INT. GRASSLAND - ARMORED SUV - DAY

A long field of grass stretches for miles and then Clark Air
Base comes into sight. Rick, sitting in the back, taps the
driver on the shoulder and he pulls over.


EXT. OUTSIDE CLARK AIR BASE - RIVERBANK - MOMENTS LATER

Rick scoops a handful of the gray and tan sediment from the
bank and inspects it in his palm. He then turns his attention
toward Mount Pinatubo.
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary In a tense morning scene set in 1991, Rick Hoblitt grapples with his determination to return to the hazardous zone of Mount Pinatubo, despite his wife Marian's emotional pleas for him to stay for their daughter's sake. Their daughter is visibly distressed, holding coordinates that symbolize her fear of losing her father. Meanwhile, at USGS headquarters, Dan Miller faces backlash from Patty Lipman over his controversial decision to take essential monitoring equipment, highlighting the broader implications of their actions. The scene culminates with Rick at Clark Air Base, collecting sediment while contemplating the looming danger of the volcano.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Bureaucratic tension
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be further refined

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the aftermath of a catastrophic event while also introducing bureaucratic obstacles that add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a natural disaster from both emotional and bureaucratic perspectives is engaging and adds layers to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the aftermath of the Mount St. Helens eruption, highlighting the personal struggles of the characters and the challenges they face in the aftermath.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the personal and ethical dilemmas of the characters rather than just the spectacle of the natural disaster itself. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, particularly Rick and Marian, are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is portrayed effectively. The scene allows for character growth and exploration.

Character Changes: 8

The scene allows for potential character growth, particularly for Rick and Marian, as they navigate the aftermath of the disaster.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to fulfill his sense of duty and responsibility towards his job as a volcanologist, even at the risk of his own safety. This reflects his deeper need to protect others and make a difference in the face of natural disasters.

External Goal: 7.5

Rick's external goal is to monitor Mount Pinatubo and gather data to predict any potential eruption, despite the challenges and opposition he faces from his colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles rather than external action. This adds a different layer of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals between characters, creating obstacles for the protagonist and raising the stakes of the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the emotional turmoil of the characters and the bureaucratic challenges they face, emphasizing the gravity of the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by exploring the consequences of the Mount St. Helens eruption and setting up potential future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between characters, the unexpected emotional revelations, and the uncertain outcome of the volcanic situation, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between scientific accuracy and public safety. Dan's focus on data and evidence clashes with Patty's concern for the potential consequences of their actions, highlighting the ethical dilemma of decision-making in crisis situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and the aftermath of the disaster.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions present in the scene, though there could be opportunities to further enhance the exchanges between characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, interpersonal conflicts, and the sense of impending danger surrounding the volcanic activity, keeping the audience invested in the characters' decisions and outcomes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, moving between emotional moments and high-stakes confrontations at a steady pace to maintain audience engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression from Rick's decision to go to Mount Pinatubo to the conflict at the USGS headquarters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, particularly with Marian's plea to Rick about the dangers he faces. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included specific memories or fears that Marian has about Rick's work, which would deepen the audience's connection to her character and the stakes involved.
  • The transition between Rick's conversation with Marian and the subsequent scenes at USGS headquarters feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative. Consider adding a brief moment that reflects Rick's emotional state as he leaves Marian and their daughter, perhaps a lingering glance or a moment of hesitation.
  • The use of newspaper articles as inserts is effective in conveying the external pressures and consequences of the volcanic predictions. However, the articles could be more varied in their content to provide a broader perspective on the public's reaction and the stakes involved. This would enrich the context for Dan's conflict with Patty.
  • Dan's confrontation with Patty is compelling, but it could benefit from more tension. The stakes of their argument could be heightened by including more specific examples of the consequences of Dan's actions, perhaps referencing specific projects or scientists affected by the funding cuts. This would make Patty's frustration more relatable and urgent.
  • The scene ends with Rick at the riverbank, which is visually striking but lacks a strong emotional resonance. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a visual metaphor that ties back to his family or the dangers he faces, reinforcing the emotional weight of his decision to return to the field.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Marian's dialogue by incorporating specific fears or memories related to Rick's work, which would create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Smooth the transition between Rick's home life and the USGS headquarters by adding a moment that reflects Rick's emotional turmoil as he leaves his family.
  • Diversify the content of the newspaper articles to provide a broader context for the public's reaction to the volcanic predictions and the implications for the characters.
  • Increase the tension in the confrontation between Dan and Patty by including specific examples of the consequences of Dan's actions, making Patty's frustration more relatable.
  • Add a reflective moment for Rick at the riverbank that ties back to his family or the dangers he faces, reinforcing the emotional stakes of his decision to return to the field.



Scene 42 -  Tremors of Tension
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Chris looks defeated while holding the PHONE.

CHRIS NEWHALL
What the hell do they want!?

DAN MILLER (O.S.)
Money and answers and so far we’re
0 for 2.

CHRIS NEWHALL
The last thing we need is the
Survey undercutting us back home!
We need more time!

Chris slams the PHONE down and walks into the living room.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Chris walks into the living room right as Ewert perks up from
her MONITORING STATION.

EWERT
Guys -- they’re getting shallower.
The quakes are moving along the
line. I think another conduit is
opening.

Dave perks up now from his station.


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - CLIFFSIDE - SAME TIME

Lockhart has a safety rope wrapped around his waist and it’s
connected to a SAFETY CLIP on a rock wall. He holds the rope
steady as Bayani slowly CONNECTS THE BLUE WIRE TO A CIRCUIT
BOARD on a piece of MONITOR EQUIPMENT that is on the edge of
a cliff.

LOCKHART
Make sure it’s wired correctly.

BAYANI
It is!

LOCKHART
Then why is the blue wire connected
to the green wire?

Bayani looks at it again.

BAYANI
Shit.

LOCKHART
Don’t worry about it. I got it.

Lockhart starts moving toward the DEVICE as Bayani moves
aside.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Dave and Ray are gathered around Ewert’s MONITOR as she looks
at a SEISMOGRAPH DRUM and DATA next to it.

RAY
I don’t believe it. It’s directly
under the fumaroles now.


Dave looks at his SEISMOGRAPH DRUM again but the PEN ISN’T
MOVING. Dave kicks the drum in frustration.

TILTMETERS MEASUREMENTS are slapped down on the table in
front of Dave by Chris.

CHRIS NEWHALL
It’s inflating. Magma is filling
the reservoir.

Dave looks at the TILTMETER DATA. He looks back up at Chris.
He grabs the TILTMETER DATA, CRUMPLES IT INTO A BALL, and
THROWS IT AGAINST THE WALL.

DAVE HARLOW
We’re not making the same mistake
twice!

Ewert looks concerned again at her station.

EWERT
I’m seeing two clusters now!

Dave rushes over to her MONITOR and looks for himself.

DAVE HARLOW
Volcanic quakes can move from place
to place but two happening
simultaneously at different
locations --
(looking at Chris now)
That’s not possible.

RICK HOBLITT (O.S.)
Unless the earthquakes are all
related to the same body of magma.

Rick brings everyones attention to the front door.

A smile even sneaks onto Dave’s face which is rare these
days.

DAVE HARLOW
Son of a bitch...


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - GENERAL GRIME’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

General Grime is sitting at his desk. He looks down at the
various pages of volcanic research.

INSERT - VOLCANIC RESEARCH, which reads: “MOUNT ST. HELENS
TRAGEDY, VOLCANO WARNING BRINGS ECONOMIC WOES TO CALIFORNIA
RESORT.”


BACK TO GENERAL GRIME’S OFFICE - Colonel Studer is standing
in the corner of the room awaiting word from General Grime.

GENERAL GRIME
Loss of life, economic fallout --

General Grime looks up at Colonel Studer.

GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
Where the hell did you find these
guys?

General Grime is clearly annoyed and Colonel Studer has
nothing to add.

General Grime pours two glasses of whiskey.

GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
The Secretary of Defense is saying
we’re overreacting -- have our
tails between our legs. The entire
world is watching now.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a high-stakes scene at Clark Air Base, Chris Newhall expresses frustration over a lack of funding and answers, while Ewert reports increasing seismic activity, signaling the potential opening of another conduit. Lockhart and Bayani work on a monitoring device on a cliffside, correcting a wiring mistake. Meanwhile, Dave reacts anxiously to seismic data indicating magma filling a reservoir, fearing past mistakes. Ewert detects two clusters of seismic activity, suggesting a connection to the same magma body. General Grime, frustrated with the situation, pours whiskey, highlighting the gravity of their predicament.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Minor inconsistencies in character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and maintains a sense of urgency, with strong character dynamics and high stakes driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the challenges of monitoring and predicting a volcanic eruption, is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is compelling, with a strong focus on the characters' efforts to interpret seismic data and make critical decisions in a high-pressure situation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the technical aspects of monitoring volcanic activity and making critical decisions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their interactions effectively convey the tension and stakes of the situation, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and actions, particularly in response to the escalating crisis, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris's internal goal is to prevent the Survey from undermining their efforts and to buy more time to deal with the volcanic activity. This reflects his fear of failure and desire to protect his team and the community.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent a volcanic eruption and save lives. This goal is directly related to the immediate challenge of monitoring seismic activity and making critical decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing internal and external challenges as they grapple with the impending volcanic eruption.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that threaten their goals and safety.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing the potential for a catastrophic volcanic eruption and the pressure to make critical decisions that could impact lives and livelihoods.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the tension, introducing new challenges, and setting the stage for the eruption, driving the narrative towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the escalating tension of the volcanic situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the urgency of preventing a disaster and the need for careful, accurate decision-making. This challenges the protagonist's values of responsibility and quick action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in conveying the characters' frustrations, fears, and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, frustrations, and the urgency of the situation, enhancing the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and urgent dialogue. The reader is drawn into the tension and suspense of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of fast-paced action and moments of reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre, with multiple locations, urgent dialogue, and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the urgency of the volcanic activity with the characters' emotional states. Chris's frustration and the mounting seismic activity create a palpable sense of impending disaster, which is crucial for maintaining audience engagement.
  • The dialogue is functional but could benefit from more subtext. For instance, Chris's line about needing more time could hint at deeper personal stakes or past failures, adding layers to his character and making the audience more invested in his plight.
  • The transition between the different locations (Clark Air Base and Mount Pinatubo) is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to show simultaneous actions, it might be more effective to create a smoother flow that emphasizes the interconnectedness of the characters' actions and the impending disaster.
  • The introduction of Rick Hoblitt is a strong moment, as it brings a sense of hope and expertise to the scene. However, his entrance could be more dramatic or impactful to emphasize his importance in the unfolding crisis. Perhaps a visual cue or a more pronounced reaction from the others could enhance this moment.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the climax where Dave realizes the implications of the simultaneous quakes could be heightened. This moment is pivotal and deserves a more dramatic build-up, perhaps through a brief pause or a visual cue that emphasizes the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue. For example, when Chris expresses frustration, he could reflect on past mistakes or personal stakes that make this situation particularly urgent for him.
  • Enhance the transitions between locations by using visual or auditory cues that connect the scenes. For instance, the sound of seismic activity could bridge the two locations, reinforcing the idea that the characters are all part of the same unfolding disaster.
  • Make Rick's entrance more dramatic. Perhaps have him arrive just as a significant seismic event occurs, or have the others react to his presence with a mix of relief and urgency, emphasizing his role as a key player in the crisis.
  • Heighten the tension during the moment when Dave realizes the implications of the two simultaneous quakes. Consider using a close-up shot of his face to capture the dawning horror, or have the characters momentarily freeze in realization before the action resumes.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as showing the monitoring equipment's readings in a more dynamic way, to visually represent the escalating danger and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 43 -  Urgent Warnings: The Pinatubo Threat
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LATER

A blank sheet of paper is laid out on the dining table and
Rick begins to draw a giant circle and then a small volcano
on the top of it.

RICK HOBLITT
If these quakes were each on the
ends of one underground plug of
molten rock, it would mean there
was a magma lake beneath Pinatubo.

He draws two paralleling lines from the volcano to the center
of the circle as Dave, Chris, and Ray try to keep up.

RAY
That explains why the earthquakes
weren’t always happening near the
fumaroles but that would be over
fifty cubic kilometers.

RICK HOBLITT
Precisely and if we assume ten
percent of the magma from the
chamber would release during an
eruption, Pinatubo would produce
five cubic kilometers of material.

Ray looks over at Chris.


RAY
It’s just like Krakatoa.

DAVE HARLOW
You’re talking about one of the
largest volcanoes in history.

RICK HOBLITT
Yes. I am.

CHRIS NEWHALL
This is massive. That would be-

RICK HOBLITT
Ten time larger than St. Helens.
(beat)
It’s time to call a level four
emergency.

That catches everyone off-guard.

DAVE HARLOW
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rick. Slow down
now. You’re guaranteeing an
eruption within days!

RICK HOBLITT
Blame it on St. Helens but I think
there’s a 10 percent chance
Pinatubo erupts with little to no
warning at all.

DAVE HARLOW
We needed your expertise on
stratigraphy not making radical
decisions!

CHRIS NEWHALL
That’s enough!

The tension in the room is palpable now. Everyone is quiet
for a moment.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
If Rick thinks we should be at a
level four I’m sure he has a good
reason for it.

Chris looks at Rick.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
Let’s hear it.


RICK HOBLITT
I saw the deposits in the riverbank
just outside these walls. They were
poorly sorted -- a clear
characteristic of volcanic debris.
Clark Air Base was built on ancient
pyroclastic flows.

Rick removes three sets of SO2 readings.

INSERT - SO2 DATA, which reads: “Augustine, Mount St. Helens,
and now Mount Pinatubo -- The readings share similar
patterns.

BACK TO ROOM - Rick points out the matching patterns.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
SO2 is plummeting. 5,000 tons to
206. Pinatubo is just like
Augustine and St. Helens.
(beat)
She’s no longer freely degassing.
She’s pressurizing.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Clark Air Base, Rick Hoblitt presents a diagram illustrating his theory that volcanic activity beneath Mount Pinatubo is linked to a magma lake, warning of a potential catastrophic eruption. Tension escalates as Dave Harlow expresses skepticism about Rick's radical conclusions, while Chris Newhall defends Rick's expertise. Rick's data shows alarming SO2 readings, indicating that Pinatubo is pressurizing and no longer degassing, reinforcing the urgency for a level four emergency declaration.
Strengths
  • Intense tension and urgency
  • Expert analysis and scientific detail
  • Engaging dialogue and conflicting viewpoints
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Lack of external action or visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a significant turning point in the story with the decision to declare a level four emergency. The dialogue is engaging and informative, showcasing the characters' expertise and conflicting viewpoints.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of analyzing scientific data to predict a volcanic eruption is compelling and drives the narrative forward. The scene effectively conveys the complexity of the situation and the expertise of the characters involved.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as the characters make a crucial decision that will impact the story's direction. The conflict and stakes are heightened, setting the stage for the impending eruption.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of natural disasters by focusing on the scientific analysis and decision-making process involved in responding to a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their expertise in their respective fields shines through in their dialogue and actions. The conflicting viewpoints add depth to the scene and create tension.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' perspectives and relationships are tested as they navigate the decision-making process. Their expertise and convictions are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 9

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to convince his colleagues of the imminent danger posed by the volcano and the need for a level four emergency response. This reflects his deeper desire to use his expertise to protect lives and prevent a disaster.

External Goal: 8

Rick's external goal is to persuade his colleagues to take immediate action based on his analysis of the volcanic activity. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing others of the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene arises from the differing opinions on how to interpret the scientific data and the decision to declare a level four emergency. The high stakes and urgency contribute to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and high stakes that create uncertainty and tension, driving the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as the characters must make a critical decision that could impact the safety of many lives. The impending eruption of Mount Pinatubo raises the stakes to a dangerous level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the decision to declare a level four emergency and setting the stage for the eruption of Mount Pinatubo. It raises the stakes and intensifies the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a complex situation with multiple variables and conflicting viewpoints, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between caution and decisive action in the face of a potential disaster. Rick's belief in the need for a level four emergency clashes with Dave's skepticism and preference for a more conservative approach.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of concern, tension, and determination, as the characters grapple with the impending catastrophe. The emotional impact is heightened by the high stakes and expert analysis.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is informative, engaging, and realistic, reflecting the characters' expertise and the high stakes of the situation. It effectively conveys the scientific jargon while keeping the audience invested.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines technical information with interpersonal conflict, creating a sense of suspense and urgency that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of decision that propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of dialogue and action lines to convey the urgency and tension of the situation.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre by building tension through dialogue and technical details, leading to a climactic decision point. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency around the potential eruption of Mount Pinatubo, which is crucial for maintaining the stakes in the narrative. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight. The characters are discussing a catastrophic event, yet their exchanges feel somewhat clinical. Adding personal stakes or emotional reactions could enhance the gravity of the situation.
  • Rick's explanation of the geological phenomena is informative, but it risks losing the audience's engagement if not balanced with character dynamics. Consider interspersing more personal stakes or backstory elements that connect the characters to the volcano, making their scientific discussions feel more urgent and relatable.
  • The dialogue is somewhat expository, particularly in the scientific explanations. While it's important to convey the information, it could be more engaging if the characters expressed their fears or doubts about the implications of Rick's findings. This would create a more dynamic interplay between the characters and the information being presented.
  • The moment when Chris defends Rick's expertise is pivotal, but it could be more impactful if Chris's internal conflict or doubts were more pronounced. This would add depth to his character and make his eventual support for Rick's radical conclusion feel more earned.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Rick's assertion about the volcano's pressurization, but it could benefit from a more dramatic visual or auditory cue to emphasize the urgency of the situation. Perhaps a distant rumble or tremor could serve as a foreshadowing element, heightening the tension as the characters grapple with the implications of Rick's findings.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more emotional stakes into the dialogue. For example, characters could express personal fears about the potential eruption, such as concerns for their families or communities, which would make the scientific discussion feel more urgent.
  • Consider using visual elements to enhance the tension. For instance, as Rick discusses the magma lake, you could describe the room's atmosphere changing—perhaps the lights flicker or a distant rumble is heard, signaling the volcano's unrest.
  • Add more conflict in the dialogue. Instead of just Dave opposing Rick's conclusions, consider having other characters express their doubts or fears, creating a more dynamic discussion that reflects the high stakes involved.
  • Explore Chris's internal conflict more deeply. Perhaps he has a personal connection to the area or has lost someone in a previous eruption, which would make his support for Rick's radical conclusion more poignant.
  • Use the SO2 data as a dramatic device. Instead of simply presenting it, consider having Rick reveal the data in a way that shocks the others, perhaps by showing them a visual representation that illustrates the danger, making the information more impactful.



Scene 44 -  Rumble of Redemption
EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - CLIFFSIDE - SAME TIME

Lockhart CONNECTS THE BLUE WIRE. THE GREEN LIGHT TURNS ON.

THERE’S A RUMBLE COMING FROM THE PEAK OF PINATUBO.

LOCKHART
Did you hear that?

Bayani looks around. He notices rocks begin to loosen around
the cliff side.

THERE’S A SONIC BOOM!

Lockhart looks up and sees MASSIVE BOULDERS starting to break
free from the cliff side and fall toward them.

Bayani, acting quickly, pushes Lockhart out of the way from a
falling BOULDER but the MASSIVE ROCK CRUSHES BAYANI’S LEG! HE
SCREAMS IN AGONY! MORE ROCKS BEGINS TO FALL DOWN THE
CLIFFSIDE, NARROWLY MISSING LOCKHART AND BAYANI. DUST AND ASH
FILL THE AREA.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - GENERAL GRIME’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

TWO WHISKEY GLASSES DROP AND SHATTER!

General Grime and Colonel Studer hide under their desk.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

THE HOUSE SHAKES AND THE WINDOWS RATTLE.

Rick rushes to the WINDOW and sees ASH SHOOTING FROM PINATUBO
in the distance.

Ewert is holding the RADIO.

EWERT
Lockhart, come in, over!

There’s no response.

EWERT (CONT’D)
Lockhart, come in!

There’s still no response.

DAVE HARLOW
Jesus Christ.


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - CLIFFSIDE - SAME TIME

Lockhart grabs Bayani and pulls him free from the pile of
rocks and that’s when Lockhart notices the BONE STICKING FROM
BAYANI’S LEG.

Lockhart picks up Bayani and caries him down the hill.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

STATIC ON THE RADIO as Chris, Ray, Dave, Ewert, and Rick
crowd around it.

EWERT
(to the RADIO)
Lockhart, come in, over!

Dave grabs the RADIO from Ewert.

DAVE HARLOW
Lockhart, answer the God-damn-
radio!

LOCKHART (O.S.)
(static)
This is Lockhart --
(static)
Bayani’s hurt bad, over --


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - HOSPITAL - LATER

Bayani is lying on the hospital bed with his leg propped up.
Various monitoring equipment is hooked up and surrounding
him.

Lockhart walks into the room and that gets the attention of
Bayani.

LOCKHART
How are you doing?

Bayani nods.

BAYANI
You saved my life back there.

LOCKHART
What the hell else was I supposed
to do, leave you there?

Bayani smirks.

BAYANI
I’m sorry.

That catches Lockhart off-guard.

LOCKHART
Sorry -- about what?

BAYANI
Not trusting your team.

Lockhart understands but he doesn’t care about that right
now.

BAYANI (CONT’D)
Not trusting you.

Lockhart nods.

BAYANI (CONT’D)
I’m sorry.

Bayani extends out his hand to shake Lockhart’s. Lockhart
walks over and shakes his hand.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary As Mount Pinatubo erupts, Lockhart activates a device that triggers a catastrophic rumble, causing boulders to fall. In a heroic act, Bayani saves Lockhart but suffers a crushed leg. Lockhart rescues him amidst the chaos and carries him to safety. At Clark Air Base, panic ensues as Ewert tries to contact Lockhart. Later, in the hospital, Bayani expresses gratitude and regret for doubting Lockhart, leading to a moment of reconciliation as they shake hands, symbolizing their newfound trust.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, blending action-packed sequences with emotional depth, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing a natural disaster head-on while exploring themes of trust, sacrifice, and survival is compelling and well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters are thrust into a life-threatening situation, showcasing their resilience and determination in the face of adversity.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the personal relationships and moral dilemmas of the characters amidst a natural disaster. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions during the crisis reveal their strengths and vulnerabilities, adding depth to their personalities and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and physical changes during the scene, deepening their development and highlighting their resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Bayani and confront his own feelings of guilt and responsibility for the situation. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and validation of his leadership abilities.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the volcanic eruption and ensure the safety of his team members. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and palpable, with the characters facing physical danger and emotional turmoil, heightening the stakes and driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening obstacles and challenges that test their resolve and teamwork. The audience is kept in suspense about the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the characters' survival in the face of a natural disaster create a sense of urgency and danger, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by placing the characters in a critical situation that tests their limits and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' fates, such as Bayani's injury and the radio communication failures. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, teamwork, and accountability. Bayani's admission of not trusting his team challenges Lockhart's beliefs about leadership and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to empathy and admiration, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and emotional turmoil of the situation, enhancing the tension and character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome. The sense of danger and urgency grips the viewer's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action sequences, character interactions, and moments of tension that maintain the momentum of the story. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre by building tension, escalating the conflict, and resolving it in a satisfying way. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound and visual cues, such as the rumble from Mount Pinatubo and the falling boulders. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about the characters' emotional states leading up to this moment. For instance, a brief flashback or internal monologue could illustrate Lockhart's fears or doubts about the mission, making the danger feel more personal.
  • The dialogue in the hospital scene feels somewhat abrupt and lacks emotional depth. While Bayani's apology is a significant moment, it could benefit from more exploration of his internal conflict regarding trust. This would enhance the character development and make the audience more invested in their relationship.
  • The transition between the cliffside and the hospital is somewhat jarring. Consider using a more fluid transition that connects the urgency of the cliffside incident with the aftermath in the hospital. This could involve a brief moment of reflection from Lockhart as he carries Bayani, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the situation before cutting to the hospital.
  • The use of static on the radio is a clever way to convey the communication breakdown, but it could be more impactful if the characters expressed their growing concern through dialogue or actions. For example, showing their reactions to the static could amplify the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for Lockhart. While he saves Bayani, his emotional response to the situation feels muted. Adding a moment of vulnerability or reflection after the rescue could deepen his character and provide a more satisfying emotional payoff.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a brief internal monologue or flashback for Lockhart before the boulders fall, highlighting his fears or motivations for being on the cliffside. This will create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Expand the dialogue in the hospital scene to explore Bayani's feelings about trust and his relationship with Lockhart. This could involve him sharing a personal story or expressing his fears, making the apology feel more significant.
  • Create a smoother transition between the cliffside and hospital scenes by including a moment where Lockhart reflects on the danger he just faced while carrying Bayani. This could be a visual cue, such as a close-up of Lockhart's face showing determination mixed with fear.
  • Enhance the tension during the radio communication by showing the characters' reactions to the static. This could involve them pacing, exchanging worried glances, or expressing their fears verbally, which would heighten the stakes.
  • Add a moment of vulnerability for Lockhart after he saves Bayani, such as him taking a deep breath or expressing relief. This will provide a more satisfying emotional arc and allow the audience to connect with his character on a deeper level.



Scene 45 -  Eruption of Tension
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - LATER

General Grime and Colonel Studer are seated at the large
dining table.


GENERAL GRIME
Would this be similar to a nuclear
blast?

Rick, sitting across from them, looks up.

RICK HOBLITT
It would be like 13,000 nuclear
bombs detonating at once.

General Grime has a look of great concern on his face now.

GENERAL GRIME
Why do I get the feeling we may not
be anywhere near far enough away
from this volcano.

Chris walks over and lays down a MAP.

INSERT - MAP, which shows: “PAMPANGA AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE, 18
KILOMETERS WEST OF ANGELES CITY.”

BACK TO MARYLAND ST. LIVING ROOM - Chris circles it with a
sharpie.

CHRIS NEWHALL
(now facing General Grime)
If you’re looking for 100%, that’s
the safe zone-

GENERAL GRIME
-None of this happens until we get
authorization from the Pentagon!
Let me remind you that the job of a
scientist is to educate the
decision makers, not make the
decisions!

RICK HOBLITT
And if I were you I would make the
decision to start moving dependents
off base immediately.

Once again, Dave paces around the room in frustration.

DAVE HARLOW
Rick -- for god-sakes --

GENERAL GRIME
-I’m sure you’re aware of the story
of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?


RICK HOBLITT
I am. The sheep get eaten at the
end of that story.

GENERAL GRIME
The military is willing to take
mitigating steps but by God
something better happen! If it
doesn’t -- I’ll make sure your team
will be held in front of a
committee investigating this
disaster.

Dave looks at Rick, shakes his head in disappointment and
Colonel Studer and General Grime notice.

DAVE HARLOW
I think my two colleagues here need
to discuss amongst the team before
coming to any more conclusions.

CHRIS NEWHALL
What is there to discuss, Dave?
You’ve seen the measurements!

DAVE HARLOW
And it changes daily! Pinatubo is
toying with us!

RICK HOBLITT
Volcanos can teeter from
catatrasophe to quiescence. You
know that.

DAVE HARLOW
I also know the fallout of calling
this wrong!

RICK HOBLITT
And I know what it’s like to turn
our back on this!

A PHONE STARTS RINGING.

Lockhart and Ewert look up from their monitoring stations.
They can feel the tension.

It RINGS AGAIN and there is an awkward silence in the room.

LOCKHART
Is someone going to answer that?

Chris takes a step toward the hallway but Dave moves past
him.


DAVE HARLOW
I’ll get it.

Dave walks over to the PHONE and answers.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
This is Dave.

Everyone is waiting now and listening.

Dave has the same look of defeat when he was told to turn
around at the airport before leaving for Colombia.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
I understand.

Dave hangs up the phone. Everyone is looking at him now.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
It’s over. They’re shutting us
down.

Dave’s face is growing red. He walks over to Chris and gets
right in his face.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
You already knew and didn’t say a
goddamn thing!

CHRIS NEWHALL
Because you know it’s bullshit!

DAVE HARLOW
If the Survey’s pulling the plug,
that’s it! It’s over!

CHRIS NEWHALL
Then go! Nobody is stopping you!

DAVE HARLOW
I’m stopping all of this!

Dave looks over at Ewert and Lockhart now.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
You have two young volcanologists
in here who are risking everything
for this!
(beat)
You’re ruining their careers!

CHRIS NEWHALL
They don’t want to make the same
mistakes you’ve made!


Dave shoves Chris. Chris retaliates and shoves Dave back.

Dave charges Chris and they scuffle for a short moment before
Rick pulls Chris away from Dave as Lockhart and Ewert rush
over to pull Dave away from Chris.

It’s bedlam at PVO.

Rick continues to hold Chris back.

Ewert and Lockhart hold Dave until he frees himself but
finally starts to calm down.

Everyone takes a breath and cools down.

Lockhart looks at General Grime and Colonel Studer.

LOCKHART
Little known fact, volcanologists
can erupt without warning as well.

General Grime looks at the team.

GENERAL GRIME
I think we’re all but done here.
It’s time for your team to go home.

Colonel Studer doesn’t seem to agree with General Grime.

COLONEL STUDER
General, I don’t feel good giving
up on this either.

GENERAL GRIME
(surprised)
What?

COLONEL STUDER
I’m just not certain we should be
taking orders from someone that’s
10,000 miles away.

CHRIS NEWHALL
I agree with the Colonel.

GENERAL GRIME
And if their prediction is wrong
and this falls apart, the public
lambasting will be on me!

COLONEL STUDER
But if this volcano erupts and we
don’t evacuate...


RICK HOBLITT
You won’t survive.

DAVE HARLOW
(looking at Rick)
Dan warned us about getting you
involved.

RICK HOBLITT
Dan is the one who asked me. He
knew you needed me.

DAVE HARLOW
Bullshit!

EWERT
Everyone shut the hell up!

Everyone does just that. Ewert addresses the entire room.

EWERT (CONT’D)
You all might think we’re hoping
this volcano erupts but that’s not
the truth. We’re just as concerned
about causing social disruption as
we are about lives lost. We’re
trying to be right on the mark. We
don’t want any false alarms. We
don’t want big evacuations that
turn out to be all for nothing. We
pay a lot of attention to our
credibility, to try to have a
pretty damn-good-basis for the
pronouncements we make, and to try
to have the people like you, who
have to act on them, to understand
what the evidence is so you know
how to make the right call.

Ewert looks at everyone in the room.

EWERT (CONT’D)
If there is anyone in this room
that doesn’t think Pinatubo is
going to erupt, the door is right
there.

General Grime gets up from his seat and tirelessly walks over
to the window, looks out at Mount Pinatubo, the ASH CLOUD
ABOVE IT, then flops into a chair in the corner of the room.

GENERAL GRIME
This volcano shit is just about my
limit.
(MORE)
GENERAL GRIME (CONT’D)
I’ve had troops assassinated just
beyond these walls, there’s a
goddamn Filipino revolution
happening in the hills all around
us -- and now this volcano is
threatening to erupt.

Lockhart walks over to General Grime and places his hand on
his shoulder.

LOCKHART
(jokingly)
You’re fortunate to have so many
rich life experiences, sir.

Dave glances over at Ewert and gives her a proud nod.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Clark Air Base, General Grime and Colonel Studer confront the looming threat of a volcanic eruption with scientists Rick Hoblitt, Chris Newhall, and Dave Harlow. Rick warns of the eruption's catastrophic potential, while Chris presents a safe zone map. Tensions rise as Dave and Rick clash over the urgency of evacuating dependents, culminating in a physical altercation between Dave and Chris. The situation escalates further when a phone call reveals their operation is being shut down, leaving the team frustrated and in disarray. Ewert attempts to mediate, stressing the importance of credibility, while Grime feels overwhelmed by the multiple crises.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict and emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue and character interactions
  • High stakes and urgency in decision-making
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive dialogue-driven conflict
  • Limited physical action or visual dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil among the characters, driving the plot forward and setting up high stakes for the impending eruption. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the internal conflicts of the characters, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the ethical dilemmas and high-stakes decisions faced by the characters in the midst of a volcanic crisis. It effectively explores themes of responsibility, risk assessment, and the consequences of inaction.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene advances the overall narrative by highlighting the critical decision-making process and the internal struggles of the characters. It sets up significant developments for the impending eruption and the characters' fates.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the internal and external conflicts within a team of scientists and military personnel. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting personalities and motivations drive the tension in the scene. Each character's emotional journey and stakes are effectively portrayed, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience emotional shifts and confrontations in the scene, leading to personal growth and changes in their perspectives. The intense situation forces them to reevaluate their decisions and priorities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the team and superiors of the urgency of the situation and the need for immediate action to prevent disaster. This reflects their deeper desire to protect lives and fulfill their scientific duty.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to secure authorization from the Pentagon to take necessary actions in response to the volcanic threat. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of bureaucratic obstacles and the need for official approval.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and ethical dilemmas among the characters. The high stakes and emotional turmoil heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, power struggles, and physical confrontations adding layers of complexity to the narrative. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is characterized by high stakes due to the imminent volcanic eruption and the critical decisions that need to be made by the characters. The potential consequences of their actions raise the tension and urgency of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up crucial decisions and conflicts that will impact the narrative's progression. It establishes the stakes and foreshadows the impending eruption, driving the plot towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions, the shifting power dynamics, and the uncertain outcome of the volcanic threat. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable nature of the conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between scientific expertise and military authority, as well as the balance between risk assessment and public safety. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of evidence-based decision-making and the ethical responsibility of scientists.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, frustration, and determination in the audience. The characters' struggles and the impending volcanic eruption create a sense of urgency and emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is a standout element of the scene, conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and stakes with authenticity. It drives the narrative forward and reveals the internal struggles of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, high stakes, and dramatic confrontations. The tension between characters and the sense of urgency keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective in conveying the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of conflict, rising tension, and a climactic confrontation. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the escalating conflict between the scientists and military personnel, highlighting the stakes involved with the impending volcanic eruption. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly with lines like 'I think we’re all but done here.' This could be more subtly conveyed through character actions or reactions rather than explicit statements.
  • The physical confrontation between Dave and Chris serves to heighten the emotional stakes, but it may come off as somewhat abrupt given the preceding dialogue. The transition from heated discussion to physical altercation could benefit from a more gradual build-up, allowing the audience to feel the tension simmering before it boils over.
  • Ewert's monologue about the team's credibility is a strong moment that encapsulates the internal conflict of the scientists. However, it could be more impactful if it were interspersed with reactions from the other characters, showing their emotional responses to her words. This would create a more dynamic scene and emphasize the weight of her statements.
  • General Grime's character is established as frustrated and overwhelmed, but his motivations could be clearer. Adding a line or two that reveals his personal stakes in the situation—perhaps a family member in the area or a past experience with a disaster—would deepen his character and make his decisions more relatable.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat comedic note from Lockhart, which could undermine the gravity of the situation. While humor can be effective in high-stress scenarios, it should be carefully balanced to ensure it doesn't detract from the urgency of the volcanic threat. Consider adjusting the tone of Lockhart's line to maintain the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository. Instead of stating the obvious, allow characters to express their concerns through their actions and reactions.
  • Introduce more physicality in the scene leading up to the confrontation between Dave and Chris. Perhaps include gestures or body language that indicate rising tension before it culminates in a scuffle.
  • Enhance Ewert's monologue by incorporating reactions from the other characters, allowing the audience to see how her words resonate with them. This could create a more immersive experience and emphasize the stakes involved.
  • Clarify General Grime's motivations by adding a personal element to his character. This could be a brief mention of a loved one affected by the volcano or a past disaster that haunts him, making his decisions more relatable.
  • Reassess the final lines of the scene to ensure they align with the overall tone. If humor is included, it should serve to relieve tension without undermining the seriousness of the situation. Consider a line that reflects camaraderie while still acknowledging the gravity of their circumstances.



Scene 46 -  Urgent Warnings and Imminent Danger
INT. ANGELES CITY - CITY HALL - HALLWAY - DAY

The city council member is walking down the hallway when
she’s immediately stopped by Ray and she sighs at the sight
of them.

DIALOGUE IN FILIPINO

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
Please, I don’t have the time today-

RAY
-You’re right. There isn’t much
time left.

Ray’s voice echoes through the hallway.

RAY (CONT’D)
Do you want 300,000 deaths on your
hands1?

That gets the city council member to finally listen for a
moment.

RAY (CONT’D)
That’s only the estimates for
Angeles City. You can add another
50,000 from the neighboring
villages around Pinatubo.

The city council member is still aggravated.

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
And if you’re wrong-


RAY
-We won’t be.
(beat)
I was lucky to survive the Luzon
quake but my colleague -- I’ve seen
what it’s like to lose everything --
If you ignore this it will be the
biggest natural disaster in human
history. And it won’t be the
scientists who got it wrong.

CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
What is it you need us to do.

RAY
I need you to trust me.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - HELICOPTER - MORNING

Rick is seated next to General Grime and Colonel Studer.

GENERAL GRIME
(facing Rick)
What the hell are we looking for?

RICK HOBLITT
A cryptodome forming. It’s an
extrusion of lava that is so rigid
that is can literally stand up like
a obelisk-

GENERAL GRIME
-In English.

RICK HOBLITT
If we see a black spike in the
crater, Pinatubo has hit another
mile stone -- an eruption is
underway.

The three men look out the side at the fuming crater that is
spitting out plumes of ash.

The wind clears the ash for a moment and Rick spots the BLACK
SPIKE sticking out of the crater.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
I’ll be damned.
(pointing it out)
There is it.

Colonel Studer is coming to a realization. He looks at
General Grime.


COLONEL STUDER
Do it tomorrow -- Do it tomorrow.
They’ll call you a hero. Our kids
will get out of school early.

He laughs. General Grime wasn’t ready to hear that but he
knows what must be done.

GENERAL GRIME
And what if the Secretary of
Defense doesn’t authorize it?

COLONEL STUDER
Then screw the Secretary of
Defense.

General Grime nods.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense hallway confrontation at City Hall, Ray urgently warns a city council member about a potential disaster that could claim 300,000 lives in Angeles City and 50,000 in nearby villages. Initially dismissive, the council member becomes more engaged after hearing Ray's personal experience with a previous earthquake. Meanwhile, in a helicopter over Mount Pinatubo, Rick identifies signs of an imminent eruption, prompting Colonel Studer to advocate for immediate action, which General Grime reluctantly supports. The scene highlights the conflict between urgency and bureaucratic hesitation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Clear stakes and objectives
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more character development
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and crucial to the plot, effectively building tension and highlighting the importance of the characters' decisions. The dialogue is impactful and drives the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of identifying the cryptodome as a sign of an impending eruption is a compelling and realistic plot device that adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively conveys the scientific aspects of volcanic monitoring.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial to the overall story, as it sets up the imminent eruption of Mount Pinatubo and the characters' race against time to prevent a catastrophic disaster. The conflict and stakes are well-established.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the immediate actions needed to prevent a catastrophe rather than the aftermath. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, especially in the face of the impending disaster. The conflict between the scientists and the military adds depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a subtle change in their perspectives, particularly in the city council member's decision to trust Ray and the military's shift towards taking immediate action. These changes drive the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to convince the city council member to take action to prevent a massive natural disaster. This reflects their deeper desire to save lives and prevent a catastrophe.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to get the city council member to trust them and take immediate action to prevent the eruption of Mount Pinatubo.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-or-death situation and conflicting priorities. The tension between the need for immediate action and bureaucratic obstacles creates a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and decisions that create obstacles for the protagonist and add to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the potential for a catastrophic natural disaster and the lives of thousands at risk. The urgency of the situation adds weight to the characters' decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the imminent eruption of Mount Pinatubo and the characters' actions in response to the crisis. It establishes a crucial turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the characters' conflicting decisions, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of taking immediate action to prevent a disaster versus waiting for official authorization. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the urgency of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in conveying the fear and determination of the characters facing a potential disaster. The stakes are high, and the audience is invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the scene forward, effectively conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The exchange between Ray and the city council member is particularly compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense dialogue, and urgent pacing that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and urgency, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the urgency and intensity of the situation, enhancing the overall impact.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes, urgent situation in a disaster genre, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and high stakes through Ray's passionate plea to the city council member. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth. While Ray's statistics are alarming, adding a personal anecdote or a moment of vulnerability could enhance the emotional weight of his argument, making it more compelling.
  • The transition between the two settings (the city hall and the helicopter) feels abrupt. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that connects the two scenes, such as a sound of a helicopter approaching or a visual of the volcano in the background as Ray speaks. This would create a smoother flow and reinforce the connection between the urgency of Ray's message and the impending eruption.
  • The dialogue in Filipino is a nice touch, but it may alienate some audience members who do not understand the language. Providing subtitles or a brief context for the conversation could help maintain engagement without losing authenticity.
  • The city council member's initial dismissiveness could be more nuanced. Instead of simply being aggravated, consider showing her internal conflict or fear about the situation. This would make her eventual willingness to listen more impactful, as it would demonstrate a shift from skepticism to concern.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that emphasizes the tension of the impending disaster. Incorporating descriptions of the environment, such as the atmosphere in the city hall or the sounds of the helicopter, could enhance the urgency and tension of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Add a personal story or emotional moment for Ray that illustrates the stakes of the situation, making his plea more relatable and impactful.
  • Create a smoother transition between the city hall and helicopter scenes by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that connects the two settings.
  • Consider adding subtitles or context for the dialogue in Filipino to ensure all audience members can follow the conversation.
  • Develop the city council member's character by showing her internal conflict or fear, making her eventual agreement with Ray more significant.
  • Enhance the scene's visual elements by describing the environment and atmosphere, which can help convey the urgency and tension surrounding the impending disaster.



Scene 47 -  Confrontation at USGS Headquarters
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING

There is a long table that has various USGS chiefs and
directors seated, including Patty Lipman, and finally at the
very end, the USGS PRESIDENT, (male, early 60s, balding.)

He doesn’t look happy.

USGS PRESIDENT
I just got off the phone with
Washington D.C. They got word that
Clark Air Base in the Philippines
is planning an evacuation on the
basis of your team’s prediction.
Having them ask me, and I quote,
“what the hell is your team doing
in the Philippines?” was not
something I was prepared to answer
first thing in the morning. I don’t
know what compelled you to go
behind the Survey’s back but this
problem is now bigger than you.

The USGS President holds up a sheet of paper.

USGS PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
Just looking at the list of names --
Chris Newhall. He has history
working with Raymundo Punongbayan.
Chris’s wife is Filipino for Christ-
sake -- of course he’s the head of
the snake. And Dave Harlow -- he
hasn’t published a single piece of
work in his 13 year career. How is
that even possible?


DAN MILLER
I cannot address the technical
merits of Harlow’s publication
record but I can assure you that
during emergency situations,
international crisis response teams
feel very comfortable with his
judgement-

USGS PRESIDENT
And Rick Hoblitt. You’re old pal
from college. You were both
involved at St. Helens as well as
the Long Valley Mammoth incident.
He stood beside you when you
decided yo flip that poor little
town on its head and declare the
apocalypse.

Dan has nothing to say and can only take this public beating.

USGS PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
Your little band of cowboys
couldn’t have been picked worse it
names were randomly drawn from a
hat! It ends today.

Dan Miller starts to walk away but he stops short at the
door. He turns back to face the USGS president.

DAN MILLER
The Survey keeps threatening me
with “what ifs.” What is a volcano
crisis arises here -- What is
there’s unrest in Central America --
(beat)
Tell me, sir, would you even answer
the call?

The USGS president doesn’t have a response to that. Dan has
made a valid point.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense morning meeting at the USGS headquarters, the President expresses frustration over a team's evacuation plan for Clark Air Base in the Philippines, criticizing their qualifications and past decisions. Dan Miller defends his team, challenging the President's commitment to crisis response, leaving the President momentarily speechless. The conflict remains unresolved as the atmosphere grows confrontational.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through the dialogue and conflict, revealing personal connections and professional criticisms that add depth to the characters and the overall plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of internal conflict and professional criticism within a scientific organization adds layers to the narrative, creating a compelling dynamic that propels the story forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as tensions rise and decisions are made that will have far-reaching consequences, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of organizational politics and crisis management. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the conflict and raises questions about leadership and decision-making.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their relationships and motivations are effectively portrayed, adding depth to the scene and setting up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their relationships and perspectives, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Dan Miller's internal goal in this scene is to defend his team and their actions while also questioning the USGS President's leadership and decision-making. This reflects Dan's deeper need for validation, respect, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Dan Miller's external goal in this scene is to address the accusations and criticisms leveled against his team by the USGS President. His immediate challenge is to salvage his team's reputation and credibility.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and ethical dilemmas that raise the stakes and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the USGS President challenging Dan Miller's decisions and leadership, creating a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the situation, including professional reputations, personal connections, and potential disaster, add urgency and tension to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by introducing new conflicts, decisions, and consequences that will shape the direction of the narrative moving forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the shifting power dynamics between characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between bureaucratic authority and individual expertise. The USGS President represents the bureaucratic system that values hierarchy and protocol, while Dan Miller embodies individual expertise and unconventional problem-solving approaches.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits strong emotions through the tense interactions, personal revelations, and high stakes involved, engaging the audience and heightening the drama.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and impactful, driving the conflict and revealing key information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict, and dynamic character interactions. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard conventions of screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the action taking place in the conference room setting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and character interactions. It follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and conflict through the USGS President's frustration, which is a strong way to convey the stakes involved in the evacuation decision. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; the characters could express their emotions and motivations more subtly rather than stating them outright. This would create a more engaging dynamic and allow the audience to infer the underlying tensions.
  • Dan Miller's defense of his team is a pivotal moment, but it feels somewhat abrupt. The transition from the President's tirade to Dan's counterpoint lacks a smooth buildup. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Dan before he speaks up, which would heighten the emotional stakes and make his defense feel more impactful.
  • The USGS President's characterization as a frustrated authority figure is clear, but he risks becoming a one-dimensional antagonist. To enhance his complexity, consider giving him a personal stake in the situation or a moment of vulnerability that reveals his own fears about the impending crisis. This would make him more relatable and add depth to the conflict.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. For instance, instead of listing grievances against the team, the President could use more vivid language or metaphors to illustrate his frustration. This would make the scene more memorable and engaging for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The President's monologue is lengthy and could benefit from being broken up with reactions from other characters, particularly Dan and Patty. Their facial expressions or body language could provide visual cues that enhance the emotional weight of the dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue to allow characters to express their emotions and motivations indirectly. This can create a richer interaction and engage the audience more deeply.
  • Add a moment of hesitation for Dan before he defends his team, perhaps reflecting on the weight of the situation or his own doubts. This would enhance the emotional stakes and make his response feel more earned.
  • Consider giving the USGS President a personal stake in the crisis, such as a family connection to the Philippines or a past failure that haunts him. This would add complexity to his character and make the conflict more nuanced.
  • Revise the President's dialogue to include more vivid language or metaphors that convey his frustration in a more engaging way. This can help the scene stand out and resonate with the audience.
  • Break up the President's monologue with reactions from Dan and Patty to create a more dynamic pacing. Their non-verbal cues can add layers to the scene and emphasize the tension.



Scene 48 -  The Descent of Doom
EXT. MOUNT UNZEN - VALLEY - DAY

A MASSIVE VOLCANO CONTINUOUSLY PUMPS OUT ASH DOWN THE SIDE OF
ITS STEEP SLOPES.

SUPER: Mount Unzen - Nagasaki, Kyushu, Japan - June 3, 1991

From a distance, Harry Glicken (10 years older) watches the
PYROCLASTIC FLOW tumble down the side on Unzen.


He looks over his shoulder and sees MAURICE and KATIE KRAFFT
setting up a TRIPOD and CAMERA.

HARRY GLICKEN
Helluva show today!

Not far, stands a GROUP OF FORTY JAPANESE JOURNALISTS.

Another pyroclastic flow surges over the summit and and
journalists react with excitement.

Looking through BINOCULARS, Harry sees another surge but it
suddenly changes directions. It’s massive.

The BINOCULARS lower. He looks over at the journalists as
they start to run for their lives.

He sees Maurice Krafft take the camera off the TRIPOD but
Katia pulls Maurice away from the equipment.

They both start running now.

Harry watches the giant pyroclastic flow head straight toward
them.

There is no escape. They cannot outrun it.

The ash surge moves as an unstoppable speed. It will hit them
in seconds.

The CROWD OF JOURNALISTS ARE CONSUMED IN THE ASH CLOUD.

MAURICE AND KATIE KRAFFT’S CAMERA MELTS AWAY.

Harry squints his eyes as darkness envelops him.

The entire valley where they all stood is now charred and
black.

CUT TO BLACK.


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - DAY

A massive evacuation is underway. A parade of cars, transport
vehicles, civilian vehicles are slowly moving down the
street.

General Grime hugs his two daughters. His wife walks up to
him and gives him a hug and kiss. He then watches them enter
a vehicle.


Rick watches Colonel Studer pick up his son and hug him.
Colonel Studer guides his son into the same vehicle General
Grime’s family had just entered. It finally drives off.

Colonel Studer turns back and makes eye contact with Rick.

COLONEL STUDER
You got any kids?

Rick nods.

RICK HOBLITT
A daughter -- about his age.

COLONEL STUDER
Right now he’s the only thing that
matters to me. If you’re right
about this -- thank you.

Chris looks over at Ray and Bayani (in crutches) who are
watching the parade of cars go by.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Make sure your team is nowhere near
this mountain. We don’t need two
more lives in danger.

Ray shakes Chris’s hand.

RAY
Thank you for taking my call.

BAYANI
Thanks for making the call.

That gets Chris to smile and shake Bayani’s hand as well.

Suddenly, Lockhart rushes out of the Maryland St. house.

LOCKHART
There was an incident at Unzen!
Katia and Maurice Krafft are
missing! Harry Glicken was with
them too.
Genres: ["Drama","Disaster"]

Summary At Mount Unzen, Harry Glicken witnesses a massive pyroclastic flow while interacting with volcanologists Maurice and Katie Krafft. As they set up to capture the eruption, the flow unexpectedly changes direction, causing panic among journalists. Despite their frantic attempts to escape, the flow engulfs them, leaving the valley in darkness and destruction.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • High stakes
  • Compelling visuals
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency, tragedy, and emotional impact, drawing the audience into the chaos and devastation of a volcanic eruption. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are high, keeping viewers engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a volcanic eruption and its aftermath is compelling and well-realized. The scene effectively conveys the unpredictability and danger of natural disasters, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is gripping, with a clear conflict and escalating tension that drives the narrative forward. The events unfold in a logical sequence, building towards a climactic moment that leaves a lasting impact.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique setting of a volcanic eruption, fresh approach to depicting natural disasters, and authentic portrayal of characters' reactions in a life-threatening situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the focus is more on the disaster itself than individual character arcs, there are moments of emotional depth and connection that humanize the characters in the face of tragedy.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this particular scene, the emotional experiences and challenges faced by the characters could lead to potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and possibly guilt or regret for not being able to save the journalists and his colleagues. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and the fear of failure.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the volcanic eruption and possibly rescue his colleagues. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of facing a natural disaster and the challenge of escaping imminent danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and making difficult decisions in the midst of chaos.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation, the unpredictability of the volcanic eruption, and the challenge of survival against overwhelming odds, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with characters facing imminent danger and life-or-death situations that will have profound impacts on their lives and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing a key moment of crisis and decision-making that will have lasting consequences for the characters and the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden change in direction of the pyroclastic flow, the unexpected disappearance of the characters, and the shocking outcome of the volcanic eruption, creating a sense of suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the fragility of human life in the face of nature's power. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and mortality, highlighting the insignificance of human actions in the face of natural disasters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking fear, sadness, and shock in the audience as they witness the devastation and tragedy unfold.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and emotions, but it could be more impactful and memorable in certain moments to elevate the scene further.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the high stakes of survival, and the unpredictable nature of the volcanic eruption, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of the volcanic eruption, the characters' reactions, and the impending danger, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, concise action lines, and impactful dialogue that enhances the pacing and rhythm of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre, building tension and suspense as the characters face imminent danger and escalating conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the impending danger of the pyroclastic flow, creating a sense of urgency and dread. However, the transition from Harry's observation to the chaos could be more fluid. The moment when Harry realizes the danger feels abrupt; consider adding a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that heightens his sense of foreboding before the journalists react.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a tense scene, but it might benefit from a few more lines that establish the relationships between the characters. For instance, a quick exchange between Harry and the Kraffts could deepen their connection and make the stakes feel more personal when the danger strikes.
  • The visual imagery is strong, particularly the description of the pyroclastic flow and the engulfing darkness. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details—sounds of the eruption, the heat of the ash, or the frantic movements of the journalists—to immerse the audience further in the chaos.
  • The cut to black after the engulfing darkness is a powerful choice, but it might leave the audience wanting more closure. Consider a brief moment of silence or a haunting sound effect that lingers before the cut to the next scene, emphasizing the tragedy of the moment.
  • The transition to Clark Air Base is effective in contrasting the chaos of the volcano with the evacuation scene. However, the emotional weight of the previous scene could be better reflected in the reactions of the characters at the airbase. Adding a moment of silence or a shared glance among the characters could serve as a poignant reminder of the loss that just occurred.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief internal thought or visual cue for Harry as he observes the pyroclastic flow changing direction, which would enhance the tension and foreshadow the impending danger.
  • Include a short dialogue exchange between Harry and the Kraffts to establish their relationship and make the audience more invested in their fate.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the sounds of the eruption, the heat from the ash, or the frantic atmosphere among the journalists.
  • Consider extending the moment of darkness before cutting to the next scene, perhaps with a haunting sound effect or silence that emphasizes the tragedy.
  • Introduce a moment of reflection or shared concern among the characters at Clark Air Base to connect the two scenes emotionally, reinforcing the impact of the disaster.



Scene 49 -  Riding the Tiger
INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - DAN'S OFFICE - LATER

A glass of whiskey is poured into a glass.

Dan is sitting at his desk looking at the heavy pour holding
a PHONE.


DAN MILLER
You’re making the right call.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Rick holds the PHONE, relieved to hear that.

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

RICK HOBLITT
(jokingly)
Why did you have to talk me into
dropping out of chemistry?

DAN MILLER
You needed to get out of the lab.

A few tears well up in Rick’s eyes.

RICK HOBLITT
Nothing has changed since St.
Helens has it? Science is the truth
until it’s an inconvenience.

DAN MILLER
All we can can hope for is someone
willing to believe us.

RICK HOBLITT
You believed in Chris.

DAN MILLER
They believed in you.

Rick lowers his head and closes his eyes as more tears drop
from them.

RICK HOBLITT
(crying)
And here I am -- playing with
another loaded volcano... And I’ve
just lost three more friends.

Dan has nothing else to add. He takes a sip of his drink.


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - EVENING

SERIES OF SHOTS - CLARK AIR BASE AFTER EVACUATION:

1. THE STREETS ARE EMPTY

2. BASKIN ROBBINS AND PIZZA HUT HAVE “CLOSED SIGNS”


3. THE AIRFIELD IS EMPTY OTHER THAN A SINGLE HELICOPTER
REMAINING

4. ONLY A FEW ARMED GUARDS ARE ON PATROL AT THE GATE

5. THE MOVIE THEATER SIGN READS “NEXT SHOW ‘LAST DAYS OF

POMPEII’ AND NEXT TO THAT IS ‘FATHERS DAY BRUNCH’

6. THE MARYLAND ST. HOUSE HAS LIGHT BLEEDING FROM THE WINDOW
SHINING OUT

7. JUST BEYOND THE HOUSE, IN THE DISTANCE, MOUNT PINATUBO
CONTINUES TO SHOOT OUT ASH


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Only a single monitor remains on and one SEISMOMETER DRUM
next to it.

SUPER: June 12, 1991 3:30AM


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lockhart stumbles out of one of the bedrooms. He slowly walks
toward the bathroom and enters, shutting the door behind him.
The toilet finally flushes.

The door opens and Lockhart slowly walks toward the sound of
an ACTIVE SEISMOGRAPH DRUM

IN THE LIVING ROOM - Lockhart wipes his eyes and sees the
SEISMOGRAPH DRUM showing intense activity. His eyes widen.

LOCKHART
Holy shit! Holy shit!

Rick, Chris, Dave, Colonel Studer and General Grime rush into
the living room and Ewert rushes to her MONITOR.

INSERT - COMPUTER MONITOR, which shows: INFRARED VIDEO OF A
MASSIVE ASH CLOUD SHOOTING ABOVE PINATUBO

BACK TO LIVING ROOM - Ewert looks over at the group.

EWERT
Ash cloud at thirty-thousand feet
and volcanic lightning!

Lockhart sees a few MONITORING STATIONS go offline.


LOCKHART
We lost the signal on a few
stations!

Rick rushes to the window. He opens it quickly. He can see
the VOLCANIC LIGHTNING ILLUMINATING THE SKY ABOVE PINATUBO.
THERE IS A DISTANT RUMBLE HEARD.

RICK HOBLITT
I know that smell.
(turning toward the group)
Pinatubo has ejected it’s first
pyroclastic flow.

General Grime and Colonel Studer look at Rick.

GENERAL GRIME
What do we do now?

RICK HOBLITT
Volcanoes don’t move from dormancy
to catastrophe in a straight line,
General. It’s often a roller-
coaster. It’ll rev up, then back
down, then rev up again. We’re
riding the tiger now.

FADE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Dan Miller comforts Rick Hoblitt over the phone as Rick mourns the loss of friends and the dangers posed by volcanoes. The setting shifts to Clark Air Base, revealing the aftermath of an evacuation. Lockhart detects alarming seismic activity indicating that Mount Pinatubo is erupting, prompting urgency among the team. As they grapple with their fears and the reality of the volcanic threat, Rick warns that they are 'riding the tiger,' signaling the imminent danger ahead.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • High stakes
  • Compelling conflict
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • More visual descriptions could enhance the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension, emotional turmoil, and urgency of the situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of impending disaster, conflicting viewpoints, and the struggle to make critical decisions in the face of a volcanic eruption is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with a clear focus on the escalating volcanic activity and the characters' responses to the crisis. The scene effectively advances the overall narrative and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting the challenges of managing a volcanic eruption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions, conflicts, and decisions are well-developed and contribute to the scene's intensity. The interactions between Rick, Dan, and the other characters add depth to the unfolding crisis.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and face difficult decisions, leading to some changes in their perspectives and relationships. The scene sets the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain belief in the scientific truth despite the challenges and losses they are facing. This reflects their deeper need for validation and the fear of being dismissed or ignored.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to assess the volcanic activity and make informed decisions to protect lives and property. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the eruption and the challenges of managing a natural disaster.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing internal and external challenges related to the volcanic eruption. The stakes are raised, leading to intense confrontations and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing the unpredictable nature of a volcanic eruption and the challenges of managing the crisis. The audience is kept on edge as they navigate the escalating danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing the imminent threat of a catastrophic volcanic eruption and the need to make life-or-death decisions. The outcome will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by escalating the volcanic crisis, introducing new challenges, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It propels the narrative towards a critical turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected challenges and developments in the midst of a volcanic eruption. The characters' reactions and decisions add to the uncertainty of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between scientific truth and human vulnerability in the face of natural forces. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the reliability of science and the limitations of human control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, and determination in the audience. The characters' struggles and the impending disaster create a sense of urgency and empathy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, concerns, and differing perspectives on the situation. It adds to the tension and conflict within the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively conveys the urgency and emotional turmoil of the characters facing a natural disaster. The escalating tension and high stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and conveys the urgency of the characters' situation. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between locations and characters to maintain coherence and clarity.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conveys the escalating danger of the volcanic eruption. The intercut telephone conversation and series of shots enhance the pacing and rhythm of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, particularly through Rick's dialogue, which effectively conveys his grief and the stakes involved. However, the transition from Dan's reassurance to Rick's emotional breakdown could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes the gravity of Rick's situation before he breaks down, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his loss more profoundly.
  • The intercutting between Dan and Rick's conversation is effective in building tension, but the pacing could be improved. The dialogue feels slightly rushed, especially during Rick's emotional moments. Allowing for pauses or reactions from Dan could enhance the emotional impact and give the audience time to absorb Rick's grief.
  • The series of shots depicting the aftermath of the evacuation is visually striking and serves to heighten the tension. However, the juxtaposition of the empty streets with the ongoing volcanic activity could be more thematically tied to the characters' emotional states. Consider incorporating a visual motif that connects the desolation of the environment with the characters' internal struggles.
  • The dialogue between Dan and Rick is strong, but it could benefit from more specificity regarding their shared history and the implications of their choices. Adding a line or two that references a specific event or decision they made together could deepen their relationship and provide context for their current emotional states.
  • The scene ends on a note of uncertainty with Rick's warning about the unpredictable nature of volcanoes. While this is effective, consider reinforcing the urgency of their situation by having the characters discuss immediate next steps or actions they need to take in response to the eruption, which would create a stronger lead-in to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Add a moment of silence or a visual cue before Rick's emotional breakdown to enhance the impact of his grief.
  • Allow for pauses or reactions from Dan during Rick's emotional moments to improve pacing and emotional resonance.
  • Incorporate a visual motif that connects the desolation of the environment with the characters' internal struggles to deepen thematic ties.
  • Include a line or two that references a specific event or decision from their past to provide context for Dan and Rick's relationship.
  • Reinforce the urgency of their situation by having characters discuss immediate next steps or actions in response to the eruption.



Scene 50 -  Tremors of Uncertainty
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

A PEN CONTINUES TO SLASH ACROSS THE SEISMOMETER DRUM.

SUPER: June 13, 1991 - 9:00PM

Rick stares at the SEISMOMETER DRUM longingly.

RICK HOBLITT
The drums are still beating.

Lockhart walks over to Dave and holds out a HAT.

LOCKHART
Are you in?

Dave nods and drops a $1 into the hat where multiple dollar
bills are piled inside.

LOCKHART (CONT’D)
What time?

DAVE HARLOW
Put me down for 9:30pm.


Lockhart writes on a notepad: “Dave - 9:30pm”

General Grime walks over with curiosity and slight confusion.

GENERAL GRIME
What the hell is this?

LOCKHART
Eruption pool -- Pick a fifteen
minute window for the cataclysmic
event.

GENERAL GRIME
You’re telling me what happened
yesterday wasn’t the big one?

Rick overhears General Grime.

RICK HOBLITT
No -- not yet.

Colonel Studer joins in.

COLONEL STUDER
Will there be a warning before it
happens?

Everyone now looks at Rick. They know he was involved at St.
Helens so this one hits close to home.

RICK HOBLITT
After St. Helens collapsed, it led
to an explosive decompression from
the subterranean cryptodome. If
Pinatubo continues to expand, a
cataclysmic eruption is imminent.

Lockhart opens an MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) and pulls out a
packet of grape jelly.

GENERAL GRIME
Can it reach Clark?

RICK HOBLITT
There’s a chance it falls short.

GENERAL GRIME
-But it’s possible?

RICK HOBLITT
If Pinatubo were to match its
biggest eruption in its history --


Lockhart slaps the packet of grape jelly in General Grime’s
hand.

General Grime looks at it in his palm in confusion.

LOCKHART
You better put that jelly in your
pocket, because if we have a worst-
case eruption, we’re all toast.

Colonel Studer drops $1 into the hat.

COLONEL STUDER
Put me down for 10pm.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense living room at Clark Air Base, Rick Hoblitt monitors a seismometer indicating seismic activity from Mount Pinatubo. Lockhart lightens the mood by organizing a betting pool on the eruption's timing, with Dave Harlow and Colonel Studer participating. General Grime expresses confusion about the volcanic situation, while Rick warns of the imminent danger based on his past experiences. Amidst the growing tension, Lockhart humorously hands General Grime a packet of grape jelly, symbolizing their precarious situation. The scene concludes with Colonel Studer placing a bet for 10pm, highlighting the uncertainty surrounding the potential disaster.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Potential for overwhelming scientific information

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the imminent danger of the volcanic eruption. The dialogue is engaging, and the stakes are high, keeping the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters participating in a betting pool for the eruption time adds a unique and engaging element to the scene. The scientific discussion about the eruption provides depth and context to the impending disaster.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses effectively by focusing on the imminent eruption and the characters' reactions to the escalating threat. The scene sets up significant events to come and raises the stakes for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation of characters betting on the timing of a cataclysmic event, which adds a fresh approach to the familiar disaster genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue in a military setting also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each contributing to the tension and urgency of the scene. Their interactions and reactions to the situation enhance the emotional impact of the impending disaster.

Character Changes: 7

While there may not be significant character changes in this particular scene, the mounting pressure and imminent threat could lead to potential shifts in the characters' perspectives and actions in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to convey his knowledge and experience regarding volcanic eruptions, showcasing his expertise and possibly seeking validation for his insights.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for a potential cataclysmic eruption from the Pinatubo volcano and ensure the safety of the base and its personnel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the impending volcanic eruption and the characters' differing opinions on how to handle the situation. The high stakes and urgency contribute to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong in terms of the characters' differing beliefs and reactions to the volcanic threat, creating conflict and uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters facing the threat of a cataclysmic volcanic eruption that could have devastating consequences. The urgency and danger elevate the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the critical event of the volcanic eruption and establishing the characters' positions and concerns. It propels the narrative towards a climactic moment.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of how the characters will react to the escalating threat and the uncertainty of the volcano's behavior, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about the severity of the volcanic threat and the level of preparedness required. It challenges Rick's scientific perspective against General Grime's skepticism and Colonel Studer's concern for warning signs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience due to the high-stakes nature of the impending disaster. The characters' fears and uncertainties resonate with the viewers, creating tension and suspense.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is crucial in conveying the scientific information about the eruption, as well as the characters' emotions and concerns. It effectively drives the scene forward and maintains the audience's interest.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of suspense, humor, and technical details that keep the audience invested in the characters' reactions to the impending disaster.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through a mix of dialogue, character interactions, and moments of reflection, leading to a climactic revelation about the volcano's potential danger.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that aids in readability and visualization.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a disaster genre, with a clear setup of the impending threat, character interactions, and tension-building moments leading to a climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the casual betting pool with the serious implications of a potential volcanic eruption. This contrast highlights the characters' coping mechanisms in the face of disaster, but it could be enhanced by deepening the emotional stakes for Rick, who has personal experience with volcanic disasters.
  • Rick's dialogue about the eruption's potential is informative, but it could benefit from more emotional weight. Consider adding a line that reflects his personal trauma from St. Helens, which would create a stronger connection between his past and the current situation.
  • The use of humor, particularly Lockhart's grape jelly gag, adds levity to an otherwise tense scene. However, it risks undermining the gravity of the situation. Ensure that the humor serves to enhance the tension rather than distract from it. Perhaps Lockhart could express his humor in a more serious context, showing his attempt to cope with fear.
  • General Grime's confusion about the betting pool is a good character moment, but it could be expanded to show his growing concern. Adding a line that reflects his internal conflict about the situation could make him more relatable and deepen the audience's investment in his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but consider varying the rhythm of the dialogue to reflect the urgency of the situation. Shorter, more fragmented lines could convey rising tension as the characters grapple with the impending disaster.
Suggestions
  • Add a line for Rick that explicitly connects his past experience with St. Helens to the current situation at Pinatubo, emphasizing his emotional stakes and the weight of his knowledge.
  • Consider adjusting the humor in Lockhart's grape jelly moment to ensure it doesn't detract from the scene's tension. Perhaps he could make a more serious comment about the jelly's potential use in a survival scenario, maintaining the levity while keeping the focus on the impending danger.
  • Expand General Grime's reaction to the betting pool to include a moment of realization about the gravity of the situation, which could help ground his character and make him more relatable.
  • Vary the dialogue pacing to reflect the urgency of the moment. Short, clipped exchanges can heighten tension and reflect the characters' anxiety about the impending eruption.
  • Consider adding a visual element that reinforces the tension, such as a close-up of the seismometer drum as it continues to beat, symbolizing the impending disaster and the characters' growing anxiety.



Scene 51 -  Tremors of Decision
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

The hat holds a pile of dollar bills now as Maryland St.
shakes and rattles from the frequent earthquakes.

SUPER: June 14, 1991 - 8:40AM

Lockhart is looking at his MONITOR.

LOCKHART
Goddamnit! We just lost the
repeater signal!

Ewert looks at her MONITOR then out the window.

EWERT
The whole seismic net is down.

INSERT - TELEVISION, which shows: WEATHER RADAR OF A MASSIVE
STORM MOVING TOWARDS THE PHILIPPINES

BACK TO LIVING ROOM - Ewert increases the volume.

EWERT (CONT’D)
This is a nice wrinkle.

Dave walks over to the TV to see for himself.

DAVE HARLOW
If this storm intercept Pinatubo --

He looks over at Chris.

CHRIS NEWHALL
These roofs won’t hold.

Rick looks up from the table.


RICK HOBLITT
And it only gives us a small window
to take a flight-line out to fix
the signal.

CHRIS NEWHALL
You’re not going out there, Rick.
If Pinatubo collapses it will send
out a pyroclastic flow in all
directions.

RICK HOBLITT
We can’t rule out a caldera forming
eruption either. We’ll have no way
to monitor it!

Colonel Studer looks at Dave.

GENERAL GRIME
Should we move off base?

DAVE HARLOW
Yes. We all should.

Rick is growing agitated.

RICK HOBLITT
David, Harry, the Kraffts -- they
would say it was worth the risk.

DAVE HARLOW
And look what happened to them!

Everyone gets quiet. Chris, once again, has to be the leader.

CHRIS NEWHALL
If anyone doesn’t feel comfortable
staying, move out and we’ll
rendezvous at Pampanga Agricultural
College.

Ewert is still transfixed on the TELEVISION WEATHER REPORT.

EWERT
If we’re going to fix the signal we
have to do it now.

Colonel Studer stands up.

COLONEL STUDER
I’m staying as long as they’re
staying.

General Grime is surprised.


GENERAL GRIME
Well, I’m not letting you go down
with the ship alone.

Colonel Studer looks at Rick.

COLONEL STUDER
I’m going with you. I wouldn’t risk
putting one of my pilots out there
if it wasn’t safe enough for me.

In the corner of the room, the Clark Air Base Pilot is
sitting alone, clearly not enthusiastic about the situation.

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT
It’s not safe for anyone --

Everyone seems to ignore the pilot.

Lockhart and Ewert walk over to Rick.

LOCKHART
I’m going.

EWERT
Me too.

Dave steps in front of them both.

DAVE HARLOW
No you’re not.

LOCKHART
I know these instruments better
than anyone.

EWERT
We’re in this together.

Dave looks at Rick and Ewert.

DAVE HARLOW
You both have your whole career
ahead of you-

LOCKHART
-And what about yours?

DAVE HARLOW
I never had one.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the living room of Clark Air Base, tensions rise as characters grapple with the aftermath of frequent earthquakes and the loss of a seismic signal. Lockhart and Ewert express frustration and determination to fix the signal despite the dangers posed by an approaching storm and the instability of Mount Pinatubo. Rick insists on the urgency of monitoring the volcano, while Chris tries to maintain order by suggesting a rendezvous for those uncomfortable with the situation. Colonel Studer chooses to stay with Rick, showcasing leadership, while Dave cautions against unnecessary risks. The scene culminates in a tense atmosphere filled with unresolved conflict and a looming sense of danger.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High emotional impact
  • Clear plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in some character motivations
  • Some dialogue exchanges could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a high-stakes situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to a sense of urgency and impending danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters facing a life-threatening situation and making difficult decisions is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the themes of sacrifice, bravery, and the consequences of risk-taking.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in setting up the imminent eruption and the characters' responses to the escalating crisis. It moves the story forward by raising the stakes and highlighting the characters' internal conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic dilemma of personal sacrifice for the greater good in the face of natural disasters. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are effectively portrayed. The scene allows for character growth and reveals their strengths and vulnerabilities in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in their perspectives and decisions throughout the scene, reflecting the evolving crisis and their responses to it. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the conflict between personal safety and professional duty. They grapple with the fear of risking their lives against the sense of responsibility towards their team and mission.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to fix the signal for the seismic net amidst the threat of the storm and volcanic eruption. They must make a decision on whether to venture out into dangerous conditions to ensure the safety of the base.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing internal and external challenges as they navigate the impending volcanic eruption. The tension between characters and their differing viewpoints adds to the sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters facing the threat of a catastrophic volcanic eruption and having to make life-or-death decisions. The sense of danger and urgency heightens the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the tension, raising the stakes, and setting up the imminent eruption. It propels the narrative towards a critical turning point, driving the plot towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting viewpoints and the uncertain outcome of their decisions. The audience is kept on edge as they await the resolution of the dilemma.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of personal sacrifice for the greater good. Characters debate the risks of their actions and the potential consequences of their decisions, highlighting differing perspectives on duty and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of anxiety, determination, and concern from the audience. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate emotionally, drawing viewers into the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and decisions in a tense situation. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the sense of urgency and impending disaster.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions. The audience is drawn into the tension and uncertainty of the characters' decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and enhances the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic decision point. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations for a high-stakes drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing the urgency of the situation with the loss of the seismic signal and the impending storm. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance character dynamics. For instance, Rick's insistence on going out could be layered with personal stakes or past experiences that make his decision more compelling.
  • The emotional stakes are present, particularly with Dave's line about never having a career, but this could be further emphasized through visual storytelling. Consider incorporating more physical reactions or expressions that reflect the characters' internal struggles, which would deepen the audience's connection to their plight.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks distinct voices for each character. While the urgency is clear, the characters could express their personalities more vividly through their speech patterns and word choices. For example, Lockhart's humor could be more pronounced, or Ewert's scientific perspective could be articulated with more passion or urgency.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but it could be tightened by reducing repetitive phrases or sentiments. For instance, the repeated emphasis on safety could be streamlined to maintain momentum. Instead of reiterating the danger, characters could express their fear or determination in more varied ways.
  • The introduction of the Clark Air Base Pilot feels somewhat abrupt and underdeveloped. This character could serve as a contrasting voice to the others, providing a more grounded perspective on the risks involved. Expanding on his reluctance could add depth to the scene and highlight the differing attitudes toward danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a flashback or a brief moment of reflection for Rick that reveals his past experiences with volcanic eruptions, which would justify his urgency and make his character more relatable.
  • Enhance the dialogue by giving each character a unique way of speaking that reflects their background and personality. This will help the audience differentiate between them and make the scene more engaging.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as close-ups of characters' faces to capture their emotions, or shots of the environment that reflect the tension (e.g., shaking objects, darkening skies) to heighten the sense of impending disaster.
  • Streamline the dialogue to avoid redundancy. Instead of repeating the dangers, use varied expressions of fear or determination to convey the same urgency without losing pacing.
  • Develop the Clark Air Base Pilot's character further by giving him a line or two that encapsulates his skepticism or fear, which could serve as a foil to the more reckless enthusiasm of the other characters.



Scene 52 -  Thunderous Escape
INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - HELICOPTER - LATER

Dave is holding some kind of DUCT-TAPED ELECTRONIC.

Rick and Colonel Studer are sitting on the other side.

A GIANT MUSHROOM CLOUD OF ASH IS FUMING FROM THE SUMMIT OF
PINATUBO.

TO THE WEST - A MASSIVE TYPHOON STORM SYSTEM MOVES IN FROM
THE HORIZON.

IN THE COCKPIT - The pilot looks up and can’t even see the
top of the ash cloud at 80,000 feet. He looks down at his
FUEL GAUGE - ALMOST EMPTY.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - HELICOPTER COCKPIT - MOMENTS LATER

The helicopter is sitting on the grassland while the engine
remains on and the rotors continue to spin.

The pilot looks at the FUEL GAUGE again. ALMOST EMPTY. He
looks up and sees Rick, Dave, and Colonel Studer near a
GENERATOR and SEISMOMETER.

CLARK AIR BASE GUARD
We’re running on empty here!


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - CONTINUOUS

Colonel Studer holds his THUMB UP and acknowledge the pilot
from a distance.

COLONEL STUDER
Let’s wrap this up!

Dave rigs the ELECTRONIC DEVICE on the GENERATOR. He SWITCHES
IT ON. THE GREEN LIGHT TURNS ON.

He holds up the RADIO.

DAVE HARLOW
(to the RADIO)
Let me know when you have a signal,
over!

There is STATIC on the RADIO.

Rick keeps his eye trained on the RUMBLING MOUNT PINATUBO.

COLONEL STUDER
It’s time to go!


Dave tries the RADIO again.

DAVE HARLOW
(to the RADIO)
PVO, do you read me, over?

STATIC ONLY. Dave turns to face Rick.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
What the hell do we do?

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT (O.S.)
We won’t have enough fuel to get
back to clark!

COLONEL STUDER
We’re going now!

Dave continues to look at Rick.

DAVE HARLOW
Rick?

THE RADIO SIGNAL BECOMES CLEAR.

EWERT (O.S.)
Dave, come in, over -- we have --
(STATIC)
Signal -- We have --
(STATIC)
We have good signal! I repeat, we
have signal!

COLONEL STUDER
Move! Move! Move!

Dave, Chris, and Colonel Studer quickly board the helicopter.
It rises fast.


INT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS

The BOLT OF GREEN AND BLUE LIGHTNING FLASHES BY. It HITS THE
TAIL ROTOR.

The HELICOPTER loses control and DAVE FALLS OUT OF THE SIDE
but rick and Colonel Studer’s hands grab Dave’s shirt. They
pull him back in.

IN THE COCKPIT - INSTRUMENTS ARE GOING CRAZY. THE FUEL GAUGE
IS EMPTY NOW

CLARK AIR BASE GUARD
I gotta set her down!


BACK IN THE HULL - Dave catches his breath.

The distance between their current position and Clark Air
Base is a few miles at least.

Rick spots it. The FILIPINO GUERILLA’S PICKUP TRUCK.
Genres: ["Disaster","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene near Mount Pinatubo, Dave, Rick, and Colonel Studer are in a helicopter battling an erupting volcano and an approaching typhoon. With the fuel gauge nearly empty, they rush to establish a radio signal. Just as they succeed, lightning strikes the helicopter, causing chaos. Rick and Colonel Studer manage to pull Dave back inside before he falls out, while the pilot struggles to maintain control amidst the escalating danger.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Effective portrayal of urgency and danger
  • Well-paced tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and danger, keeping the audience engaged with high stakes and dramatic tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the characters' race against time during a natural disaster, is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is driven by the characters' actions and decisions in the face of imminent danger, effectively moving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh approach to a survival scenario in a natural disaster setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions reflect the high-stakes situation, adding depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reveal more about their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and making critical decisions under pressure. This reflects their deeper need for safety and the desire to overcome challenges in a life-threatening situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to establish communication and signal for help before they run out of fuel and face the danger of the volcanic eruption and storm. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that heighten the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including a volcanic eruption, impending typhoon, and limited fuel, create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' desperate attempt to establish communication and the impending danger they face.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected obstacles and challenges the characters face, such as the lightning strike and the dwindling fuel supply.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the tension between taking risks to survive and following orders to evacuate. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about duty and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and determination in the characters, resonating with the audience and creating an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' urgency and determination, enhancing the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that maintain the intensity and drive the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions that adhere to industry standards.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action descriptions, dialogue, and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the impending volcanic eruption and the approaching typhoon, creating a sense of urgency. However, the stakes could be heightened further by emphasizing the emotional weight of the characters' situation. For instance, adding internal thoughts or brief flashbacks could deepen the audience's connection to Dave, Rick, and Colonel Studer, making their peril feel more personal.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional resonance. Phrases like 'What the hell do we do?' could be expanded to reflect Dave's fear or desperation, enhancing the dramatic stakes. Consider incorporating more subtext or emotional undertones in their exchanges to convey the gravity of their situation.
  • The transition between the helicopter's cockpit and the external view could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the cockpit to the valley might disorient the audience. Consider using a visual cue or a line of dialogue that bridges these two perspectives more seamlessly.
  • The use of sound, particularly the static on the radio, is a strong choice that adds to the tension. However, the clarity of the signal could be more impactful if it were preceded by a moment of silence or a brief moment of hope before the static returns, emphasizing the uncertainty of their situation.
  • The action sequence involving the lightning strike is visually compelling but could benefit from more detail. Describing the characters' physical reactions to the chaos could enhance the scene's intensity. For example, how does Dave feel as he is pulled back into the helicopter? Adding sensory details can immerse the audience further into the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Dave or Rick to express their fears or regrets about the mission, which would deepen the emotional stakes and make the audience more invested in their survival.
  • Enhance the dialogue to include more emotional depth. For example, instead of just asking 'What the hell do we do?', Dave could express a specific fear or concern that reflects his character's background or motivations.
  • Smooth the transition between the cockpit and the external view by incorporating a line of dialogue or a visual cue that connects the two perspectives, ensuring the audience remains grounded in the scene.
  • Before the radio signal becomes clear, create a moment of silence or tension that emphasizes the uncertainty of their situation, making the eventual clarity of the signal feel like a significant turning point.
  • Add more physical descriptions of the characters' reactions during the lightning strike to heighten the tension. Describe their expressions, movements, and any sounds they make to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 53 -  Race Against Eruption
EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - MOMENTS LATER

The helicopter slowly lowers.

Rick, Dave, and Colonel Studer exit quickly as the pilot
opens his SIDE HATCH and exits. All four men rush to the
PICKUP TRUCK.

BOOM!

The men are thrown to the ground by a massive shockwave.

Rick slowly composes himself and turns to look at Mount
Pinatubo with his ears still RINGING. A MASSIVE CATACLYSMIC
EXPLOSION ERUPTS FROM MOUNT PINATUBO HAS BEGUN. ASH SHOOTS
80,000 FEET IN THE AIR IN SECONDS AS THE GROUND SHAKES AROUND
THEM.

Rick is pulled up to his feet by Dave. Colonel Studer and the
Clark Air Base Pilot are already next to the PICKUP TRUCK.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Dave hops in. Keys are in the transmission. He turns it.
Nothing.

DAVE HARLOW
The Tiltmeter! Grab the battery!


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Chris is looking out the window. Holding the RADIO. He sees
the giant column of ash rising.

CHRIS NEWHALL
It’s the big one --

Ewert looks out of the window now.

EWERT
I don’t see the helicopter --

Ewert grabs her RADIO.


EWERT (CONT’D)
(to the radio)
Can you read me, over!

DAVE HARLOW (O.S.)
(static)
We ran out of fuel!

Lockhart looks at Ewert in fear.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - PICKUP TRUCK - SAME TIME

Dave pulls the RADIO up close.

Rick is waving for Dave’s attention through the windshield.

Rick points behind Dave, motioning to turn his head. Dave
looks in the rear view mirror and sees the MASSIVE

PYROCLASTIC FLOW SURGING OVER THE CRATER, DOWN MOUNT
PINATUBO, AND HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD THEM.

Dave quickly pops the hood open and exits the vehicle.


EXT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - CONTINUOUS

Rick opens the hood. No battery.

Rick rushes to the tiltmeter.

Colonel Studer and the pilot are watching this MASSIVE
BURNING CLOUD OF ASH get closer to their location.

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT
Dear god --

Rick rips the CAR BATTERY out of the TILTMETER. He rushes
over to Dave.

He hands it to Dave. Dave forces the battery into place as
Rick quickly attaches the positive and negative wires.

Rick jumps in the driver’s seat.


INT. MOUNT PINATUBO - VALLEY - PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Rick STARTS THE ENGINE. The Clark Air Base pilot jumps in the
middle seat and Colonel Studer jumps in the passenger seat.


Dave looks at them through the window. There is no backseat.
He decides to jump in the truck bed. He slaps his hand
against the window.

DAVE HARLOW
Drive!

Rick steps on the gas.

THE PYROCLASTIC SURGES TOWARD THEM AT TREMENDOUS SPEEDS.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

STATIONS BEGIN TO DISAPPEAR ON THE MONITOR in a pattern that
follows the pyroclastic flow’s movement.

CHRIS NEWHALL
They’re dropping -- Pyroclastic
surge -- They won’t outrun it.

Chris looks out the rattling window with great concern.


INT. PICKUP TRUCK - SAME TIME

Rick looks in the rear view mirror as the PYROCLASTIC FLOW
MOVE CLOSER.

COLONEL STUDER
Can we outrun it!?

RICK HOBLITT
No --

Rick SWERVES onto another dirt road around a pot hole.

RICK HOBLITT (CONT’D)
But we can try to get to Clark
before it hits us!

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT
Let’s try our best!


EXT. PICKUP TRUCK BED - CONTINUOUS

Dave is holding on for his life. He looks out at the
PYROCLASTIC SURGE and sees MASSIVE STREAKS OF LIGHTNING OF
EVERY COLOR STRETCHING OUT AND SCORCHING THE LAND. Dave slaps
the window repeatedly until the pilot turns and slides it
open. Dave puts his face up against the window.


DAVE HARLOW
Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!
Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!

RICK HOBLITT
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Disaster"]

Summary As a helicopter lands near Mount Pinatubo, Rick, Dave, Colonel Studer, and a Clark Air Base pilot scramble to escape the impending eruption. A massive explosion triggers a pyroclastic flow, forcing them to quickly repair their pickup truck. With urgency and tension mounting, Rick manages to start the truck just in time, while Dave urges him to drive faster. The scene captures their desperate attempt to outrun the deadly flow as it surges toward them.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Urgency
  • Tension
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character development in the midst of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, urgency, and high stakes. The intense action and dramatic elements keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a catastrophic volcanic eruption and the characters' desperate attempt to escape is compelling and well-executed, adding a sense of realism and danger to the narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is driven forward significantly in this scene as the characters face a life-threatening situation, adding depth to the overall story and raising the stakes for the protagonists.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the survival genre by placing the characters in a high-stakes situation with a natural disaster. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and actions in the face of imminent danger are well-developed, showcasing their determination, fear, and desperation, which adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo a significant change as they are forced to confront their mortality and make life-or-death decisions in the face of imminent danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and ensuring the safety of himself and his companions. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and protection of those he cares about.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to outrun the pyroclastic flow and reach safety at Clark Air Base before it overtakes them. This goal is a direct response to the immediate danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The level of conflict is extremely high in this scene, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and racing against time to escape the volcanic eruption.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in the form of the pyroclastic flow. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome this life-threatening challenge.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters' lives on the line as they race to escape the volcanic eruption, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a critical moment of crisis that significantly impacts the characters and sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' uncertain fate in the face of the pyroclastic flow. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will escape the imminent danger.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' choices in the face of imminent danger. It challenges their beliefs about survival, sacrifice, and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and determination, drawing the audience into the characters' plight and creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with characters communicating their fear and determination in a realistic manner.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and intense dialogue. The imminent danger and urgency of the situation keep the audience invested in the characters' survival.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The rhythm of the action sequences and dialogue enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the reader's understanding of the chaotic events unfolding.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-tension action sequence, with a clear setup, escalating conflict, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the impending eruption of Mount Pinatubo, utilizing strong visual imagery and urgent dialogue. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the sequence of actions to maintain a relentless sense of urgency. For instance, the transition from the helicopter to the truck could be more fluid, emphasizing the chaos of the moment.
  • The dialogue, while functional, lacks distinct character voices. Each character should have a unique way of expressing urgency or fear. For example, Rick's response to the situation could reflect his experience and leadership, while Dave's could be more frantic and panicked, enhancing their individual personalities.
  • The use of the radio communication adds a layer of realism, but the static and urgency could be better integrated into the scene. Consider using more fragmented dialogue or overlapping lines to convey the chaos and confusion of the moment, which would heighten the tension.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the pyroclastic flow and the lightning. However, the emotional stakes could be elevated by incorporating more internal thoughts or reactions from the characters. For instance, Rick could reflect on the consequences of failure as they race against the flow, adding depth to his character and the situation.
  • The scene shifts between locations (the pickup truck and Clark Air Base) effectively, but the transitions could be smoother. Consider using visual or auditory cues to bridge these moments, such as the sound of the eruption echoing in the background as they scramble to escape, which would create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to ensure each character has a distinct voice that reflects their personality and emotional state. This will help the audience connect more deeply with the characters.
  • Enhance the pacing by tightening the sequence of actions, ensuring that each moment builds on the last without unnecessary pauses. This will maintain the urgency throughout the scene.
  • Incorporate more fragmented dialogue or overlapping lines during the radio communication to convey the chaos and urgency of the situation more effectively.
  • Add internal thoughts or reflections from the characters to deepen their emotional stakes and provide insight into their motivations and fears during this critical moment.
  • Use auditory or visual cues to create smoother transitions between locations, enhancing the overall flow of the scene and maintaining the tension as the characters react to the eruption.



Scene 54 -  Race Against the Lahar
INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Rick reaches over, grabbing the rear window latch.

Rick Shuts the sliding window to shut Dave up for a second
then quickly swerves onto another paved road.

They hear Dave tumble against the truck bed wall which
prompts the pilot to look over his shoulder and pot Dave
still there.

Rick looks at the pilot for a quiet confirmation that Dave is
indeed still alive. The pilot nods and gives a thumbs up.

They see an APPROACHING RIVER. A BRIDGE. Just upstream is a
40 FOOT HIGH, 200 FOOT WIDE LAHAR RUSHING TOWARD THEM!

The LAHAR IS CARRYING BOULDERS, TREES, DEBRIS.

NG BOULDERS, TREES, DEBRIS.

COLONEL STUDER
We’re not going to make it --

RICK HOBLITT
Yes we are --

COLONEL STUDER
NO WE’RE NOT!

RICK HOBLITT
YES WE ARE!

COLONEL STUDER
NO WE’RE NOT!

Rick looks at the SPEEDOMETER. 70 MPH.

He drives onto the bridge. The massive LAHAR is just a few
meters away.

The Clark Air Base pilot is SCREAMING now.


EXT. PICKUP TRUCK BED - CONTINUOUS

Dave looks over the side and sees a massive LAHAR barreling
toward them as they cross the bridge.

The PYROCLASTIC FLOW IS SURGING ACROSS THE RIDER a few meters
away.

The PICKUP TRUCK crosses the bridge just the the LAHAR
DISINTEGRATES IT INSTANTLY and the PYROCLASTIC FLOW CROSSES
OVER THE RIVER AND NOW LAHAR.

The PICKUP TRUCK turns onto the main road. Dave sees the
pyroclastic flow finally lose some speed.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. SAME TIME

Lockhart exits the kitchen holding a BAG OF POPCORN. He
starts eating it next to General Grime.

General Grime looks at him in shock, shaking his head and
Lockhart notices.

LOCKHART
What -- I always eat popcorn during
this part of the movie.


INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Rick swerves left as the Clark Air Base entrance is in sight.

He looks into the left side mirror. The pyroclastic flow is
still surging.

The ash cloud reaches the corner of Clark Air Base and flows
over the walls.

Rick PLOWS THROUGH THE CLOSED GATE and it flies over Dave’s
head.

Rick GRABS THE RADIO.

RICK HOBLITT
PVO, we gotta get out of here now!
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Disaster"]

Summary In a tense scene, Rick Hoblitt and Colonel Studer argue about their chances of escaping a massive lahar as they speed across a bridge in a pickup truck. With the lahar just meters away, they narrowly make it across before the bridge collapses behind them. Meanwhile, Dave experiences the chaos from the truck bed, and at Clark Air Base, Lockhart provides comic relief by casually eating popcorn during a tense movie moment. The scene culminates with Rick crashing through a closed gate at the base, urgently calling for an evacuation.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High stakes
  • Urgency and tension
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character development
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation. The high stakes and fast-paced action keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape from a volcanic eruption is engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The scene effectively conveys the chaos and danger of the situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' attempt to escape the volcanic eruption, showcasing their bravery and quick decision-making skills. The plot progression is driven by the imminent danger and high stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique situation of characters trying to escape a natural disaster, with fresh approaches to the typical survival scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene display courage, determination, and quick thinking in the face of danger. Their actions and reactions drive the plot forward and create tension.

Character Changes: 7

While there isn't significant character development in this particular scene, the characters' actions and decisions showcase their bravery and quick thinking under pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to prove his confidence and ability to handle the crisis at hand. His desire to save himself and his companions reflects his deeper need for control and validation.

External Goal: 9

Rick's external goal in this scene is to escape the rushing lahar and reach safety at the Clark Air Base. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and racing against time to escape the volcanic eruption. The high stakes and imminent danger create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene, represented by the rushing lahar and the characters' struggle to escape it, creates a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and racing against time to escape the volcanic eruption. The danger and urgency create a sense of suspense and tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the danger and raising the stakes for the characters. The imminent eruption and the characters' escape attempt propel the narrative towards a critical moment.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' uncertain fate in the face of the rushing lahar, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Rick's unwavering confidence and Colonel Studer's pessimism. Rick's belief in their survival contrasts with Studer's belief in their impending doom, challenging their differing perspectives on the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, panic, and determination in the characters and the audience. The high-stakes situation and the characters' bravery elicit an emotional response.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective, conveying the urgency and danger of the situation. The characters' brief exchanges add to the tension and sense of impending disaster.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high tension, fast-paced action, and the characters' desperate struggle for survival.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for an action-packed sequence.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for a high-stakes action sequence.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the imminent threat of the lahar and pyroclastic flow, creating a sense of urgency that is palpable. However, the dialogue between Rick and Colonel Studer feels repetitive and could be streamlined to maintain the intensity without losing momentum. The back-and-forth of 'Yes we are' and 'No we're not' could be condensed to a single exchange that captures their disagreement more succinctly.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the lahar and pyroclastic flow, which heightens the stakes. However, the transition between the truck crossing the bridge and the destruction of the bridge could be clearer. The phrase 'DISINTEGRATES IT INSTANTLY' could be expanded to show the chaos of the moment, enhancing the visual impact and emotional weight of the scene.
  • The juxtaposition of the intense action in the pickup truck with Lockhart's casual popcorn eating at Clark Air Base is an interesting choice, but it may come off as jarring. This contrast could be more effective if it served a clearer narrative purpose, such as highlighting the disconnect between the characters' experiences or emphasizing the absurdity of the situation. As it stands, it risks undermining the tension built in the truck.
  • The character dynamics are engaging, particularly Rick's determination and Colonel Studer's skepticism. However, the pilot's role could be fleshed out more. His reactions could provide additional tension or comic relief, depending on the tone you wish to convey. Consider giving him a line or two that reflects his fear or disbelief, which would enhance the stakes and provide a fuller picture of the chaos.
  • The scene ends with Rick grabbing the radio to call for an evacuation, which is a strong moment. However, it could benefit from a more dramatic lead-in. Perhaps a line that reflects the urgency of the situation or a brief moment of reflection on what they just escaped could add depth to Rick's character and the gravity of their circumstances.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Rick and Colonel Studer to avoid redundancy. Consider using a single, impactful exchange that conveys their disagreement without dragging the pace.
  • Enhance the description of the bridge's destruction to create a more vivid and chaotic visual. Use sensory details to immerse the reader in the moment.
  • Reassess the placement of the Lockhart popcorn scene. Ensure it serves a clear narrative purpose, perhaps by tying it back to the main action or using it to highlight character contrasts more effectively.
  • Develop the pilot's character by adding a line or two that showcases his fear or disbelief, which can heighten the tension and provide a fuller perspective on the chaos.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Rick before he grabs the radio, emphasizing the gravity of their escape and his leadership role in the crisis.



Scene 55 -  Stormy Escape
INT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Through the window, Chris sees the PICKUP TRUCK slam on its
breaks just outside.


Chris GRABS A CASE OF 7 UP SITTING ON THE COUNTER and Colonel
Studer sees him.

GENERAL GRIME
Are you going to get thirsty on the
way there?

Ewert, Lockhart, General Grime, quickly follow Chris and rush
out of the house.


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - MARYLAND ST. - CONTINUOUS

It’s almost pitch black from the ash cloud and typhoon
colliding.

Pouring rain and ash is coming down in globs of mud.

Two ARMORED SUVs are parked outside next to the PICKUP TRUCK.

Rick, the Clark Air Base Pilot, and Colonel Studer exit the
PICKUP TRUCK and head for the SUVs.

Dave crawls out of the back of the trunk and Chris arrives
just in time to see him.

DAVE HARLOW
Don’t ask!

Dave starts to enter the driver’s side when he looks at Rick.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Your turn to ride in the damn
trunk!

Chris hands Rick the CASE OF 7 UP and rick opens the trunk
quickly and tosses it in and then crawls in himself.

Chris enters the passenger side.

Colonel Studer and the Clark Air Base pilot sit in the
backseat of Dave’s SUV.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - ARMORED SUV 2 - CONTINUOUS

Lockhart is already sitting in the driver’s seat. Through the
rear-view mirror, General Grime is seen taking a seat in the
back.

Ewert finally enters the passenger seat.

Ash and rain continue to mix, dropping mud all over the
windshield and windows.


INT. CLARK AIR BASE - ARMORED SUV 1 - CONTINUOUS

Dave flips the wipers on. It splatters mud all over the
window making visibility impossible.

PUMICE STONES ARE THUMPING AGAINST THE ROOF.

Dave swerves around an abandoned car that was left in the
middle of the road. Then he exits a different GATE to leave
Clark Air Base.

He opens his window and uses his hand to wipe the side mirror
clean, and spots the second SUV following closely behind.

IN THE TRUNK - Rick grabs a can of 7 UP and hands it upfront.

RICK HOBLITT
Use this --

The pilot grabs it and cracks it open.

CLARK AIR BASE PILOT
(about to take a sip)
Thanks --

Chris reaches back, grabs the can from the surprised
helicopter pilot.

Chris rolls down the window and hangs out the side.

A PIECE OF PUMICE HITS THE WINDSHIELD. Dave loses control for
a moment.

Chris grabs the roof pull handle to keep himself from falling
out.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Keep it steady for Christ sake!

DAVE HARLOW
You don’t think I’m trying!?

Chris reaches toward the windshield and pours the 7 UP on the
glass. It clears the mud for a moment.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a chaotic scene at Clark Air Base, Chris grabs a case of 7 Up as a pickup truck arrives amidst a dark, stormy environment. He, along with General Grime, Ewert, and Lockhart, rushes outside where Rick and Colonel Studer prepare to board armored SUVs. Dave humorously emerges from the trunk, struggling with visibility while driving through mud and ash. As they navigate the perilous conditions, Chris pours 7 Up on the windshield to clear the view, blending urgency with moments of levity as they attempt to escape the storm.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Well-paced action sequences
  • Authentic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and urgency while incorporating moments of humor to provide a brief respite from the chaos. The action sequences are well-paced and keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes race against an impending disaster is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the urgency and danger faced by the characters.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' attempts to escape the volcanic eruption, adding to the overall tension and urgency. The conflict and stakes are well-established.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation where characters must navigate through a dangerous environment while facing unexpected challenges. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions during the high-stakes situation are well-portrayed, showcasing their determination, fear, and humor amidst chaos.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character arcs in this scene, the characters do display moments of growth and adaptation in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and ensure the safety of himself and the others in the vehicle. This reflects his need for control and responsibility in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate through the dangerous conditions and reach their destination safely. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of driving through the ash cloud and typhoon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing imminent danger and having to make split-second decisions to survive. The tension is palpable.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that create suspense and uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing the threat of death from the volcanic eruption and having to make life-or-death decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the imminent threat of the volcanic eruption and forcing the characters to take decisive action.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and obstacles the characters face, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire for safety and control in a chaotic environment and the unpredictable nature of the elements they are facing. This challenges their beliefs about their ability to overcome obstacles and maintain order.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, determination, and confusion in the characters, which resonates with the audience and heightens the emotional impact of the impending disaster.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with moments of humor adding depth to the characters. The interactions between the characters feel authentic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and vivid descriptions that draw the reader into the chaotic and dangerous world of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining momentum, with a balance of action, dialogue, and descriptive elements that keep the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that contribute to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaos and urgency of the characters' situation, with the ash cloud and typhoon creating a tense atmosphere. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the pacing and urgency. For instance, the exchange about the 7 Up could be more succinct to maintain the tension without losing the humor.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the ash and rain mixing, which sets a vivid backdrop. However, the action could be more dynamic. For example, instead of simply stating that Dave swerves around an abandoned car, consider adding more sensory details about the car's appearance or the sound of the tires skidding to heighten the tension.
  • The character interactions are engaging, particularly the banter between Dave and Rick. However, the humor might detract from the urgency of the scene. Balancing the comedic elements with the dire circumstances is crucial to maintain the stakes. Consider using humor more sparingly or in a way that underscores the tension rather than diffusing it.
  • The scene transitions between the two SUVs could be clearer. While it's understood that there are two vehicles, the rapid shifts might confuse the reader. Adding a brief line to clarify the movement between the two vehicles could help maintain clarity.
  • The use of the 7 Up can as a tool to clear the windshield is a clever touch, but it feels somewhat contrived. It might be more effective to find a more organic way for Chris to clear the mud, perhaps by using a more practical item available in the vehicle, which would enhance realism.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to enhance the urgency. For example, instead of the longer exchanges about the 7 Up, you could have Chris simply say, 'Hand me that!' when reaching for the can, which would keep the pace brisk.
  • Add more sensory details during the action sequences, such as the sound of the pumice stones hitting the roof or the feeling of the truck jolting as it swerves. This will immerse the audience further into the chaos.
  • Balance the humor with the tension by ensuring that comedic moments do not overshadow the urgency of the situation. You might consider having a moment of levity that quickly shifts back to seriousness to maintain the stakes.
  • Clarify the transitions between the two SUVs by adding a line that indicates the perspective shift, such as 'Meanwhile, in the second SUV...' This will help the reader follow the action more smoothly.
  • Reevaluate the use of the 7 Up can for clearing the windshield. Consider using a more practical item that would realistically be found in the vehicle, which would enhance the authenticity of the scene.



Scene 56 -  Collision Course
INT. ARMORED SUV 2 - SAME TIME

Lockhart is swerving around abandoned cars, barely able to
see the red tail light of the SUV they’re following.

LOCKHART
I can’t see shit!


Lockhart swerves again.

IN THE BACK - General Grime is drinking a SODA but it’s
pulled out of his hands and away from his mouth.

GENERAL GRIME
What the hell!?

Ewert opens the window now, stretches out, and pours the soda
on the windshield.

SHE IS PUMMELED BY A LARGE PUMICE STONE ON HER BACK AND DROPS
THE CAN ON THE ROAD.

She pulls herself back in and reaches toward her back. She
looks at her hand and it’s covered in blood. Lockhart looks
over and sees it.

LOCKHART
Are you okay?

EWERT
I’ll be all right.

Lockhart narrowly avoids another abandoned car, barely trying
to keep up with Dave leading the way.


INT. ARMORED SUV 1 - SAME TIME

IN THE TRUNK - Rick sticks his head up again.

RICK HOBLITT
At least I drove a little faster.

DAVE HARLOW
You almost threw me off the back!

RICK HOBLITT
We made it didn’t we!?

DAVE HARLOW
Barely!

The thick ash and mud are accumulating quickly again.

PUMICE CONTINUES TO BOUNCE OFF THE WINDSHIELD.

THE WINDSHIELD STARTS TO CRACK.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
We’re never going to make it there
in this shit!


RICK HOBLITT
Wanna pull over and let me drive!?

Dave turns his head and shouts.

DAVE HARLOW
Be my guest!

At that moment, Dave sees a FILIPINO WOMAN HOLDING A BABY AND
SHE’S STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

DAVE HARLOW (CONT’D)
Oh shit!

Dave SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. RICK SMASHES AGAINST THE BACKSEAT.


INT. ARMORED SUV 2 - SAME TIME

Lockhart is white knuckling the steering wheel.

EWERT
Look out!

Lockhart SLAMS ON HIS BRAKES BUT REAR-ENDS THE ARMORED SUV IN
FRONT OF HIM.

Everyone jolts forward.


INT. ARMORED SUV 1 - SAME TIME

IN THE TRUNK - RICK IS ONCE AGAIN TOSSED WILDLY

The Clark Air Base Pilot was about to drink another can of
soda but loses it and it splashes on him and Colonel Studer.

Dave and Chis get whiplash as they are jolted forward.

Everyone takes a breath after being rear-ended.

CHRIS NEWHALL
(looking at Dave)
Are we good?

Dave nods.

CHRIS NEWHALL (CONT’D)
(looking towards the
back)
Is everyone good back there?

RICK HOBLITT
Yeah --


Chris grabs the RADIO.

CHRIS NEWHALL
Everyone good?
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Lockhart struggles to drive an armored SUV through a chaotic, debris-filled road while Ewert, injured in the backseat, reassures him despite her bleeding. Meanwhile, in the lead SUV, Rick and Dave argue about speed until Dave spots a woman with a baby in the road, causing him to slam on the brakes. This sudden stop leads to Lockhart rear-ending their vehicle, jolting everyone forward. The scene concludes with the characters checking on each other after the collision, highlighting the urgency and concern for safety.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Effective portrayal of urgency and chaos
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful or nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-executed with high tension, fast-paced action, and strong character dynamics. The urgency and chaos are palpable, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a high-stakes escape from a volcanic eruption is engaging and well-realized in the scene. The idea of characters racing against time and nature adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' desperate attempt to escape the volcanic eruption, driving the action forward and heightening the stakes. The obstacles and conflicts faced by the characters add layers to the narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene presents a unique post-apocalyptic setting with unexpected obstacles like falling pumice stones and encounters with other survivors on the road. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and reflect the high-stakes nature of their situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed in the scene, each displaying unique traits and reactions to the escalating crisis. Their interactions and decisions drive the tension and action forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics and relationships, the focus is more on immediate survival and action rather than deep personal growth or transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Lockhart's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and keep everyone safe amidst the chaotic driving conditions and unexpected obstacles. This reflects his need for competence and responsibility in a crisis.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to reach their destination despite the hazardous driving conditions and obstacles in their way. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the urgency of their situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with characters facing physical, environmental, and interpersonal challenges as they race against time to escape the volcanic eruption. The high stakes drive the tension and action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that test their abilities and decision-making under pressure.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives on the line as they race to escape the volcanic eruption. The sense of danger and urgency heightens the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the imminent threat of the volcanic eruption, forcing the characters to make critical decisions and take decisive action. The narrative momentum is strong.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and encounters the characters face, keeping the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire to survive and reach their destination, and the moral dilemma of potentially endangering others on the road, as seen when they encounter the Filipino woman and baby standing in the middle of the road.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of anxiety, fear, and determination as the characters navigate the dangerous situation. The sense of urgency and peril is effectively conveyed.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and chaos of the situation, with characters reacting authentically to the unfolding events. The exchanges between characters add depth to their relationships and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, tense dialogue, and high-stakes obstacles that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the momentum of the action, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action and suspense, with a clear progression of events and escalating tension as the characters face obstacles on their journey.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the chaotic environment and the imminent danger posed by the volcanic eruption. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue and action to maintain a sense of urgency throughout. For instance, the dialogue between Rick and Dave could be more concise to reflect the high-stress situation they are in.
  • The physicality of the scene is strong, particularly with the use of the pumice stone hitting Ewert and the subsequent blood. However, the transition from the action in the armored SUV to the trunk could be smoother. The reader may benefit from a clearer visual cue or a more seamless narrative flow that connects the two perspectives.
  • The humor injected through Rick's banter in the trunk is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the tension of the scene. Consider balancing the comedic elements with the gravity of the situation, perhaps by having Rick's humor serve as a coping mechanism rather than a distraction from the danger.
  • The dialogue could be enhanced by incorporating more character-specific language or reactions that reflect their personalities and relationships. For example, Lockhart's reaction to the chaos could be more indicative of his character traits, whether that be frustration, fear, or determination.
  • The scene ends with a moment of uncertainty as the characters check on each other after the collision. While this is effective for building suspense, it could be strengthened by foreshadowing the consequences of their actions or hinting at the next immediate threat they will face.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to enhance the urgency. For example, instead of lengthy exchanges, use quick, sharp lines that reflect the panic and chaos of the moment.
  • Smooth out the transitions between the perspectives in the SUVs. You could use a shared action or a common visual element to connect the two scenes more fluidly.
  • Evaluate the balance of humor and tension. If humor is used, ensure it serves to deepen character relationships or highlight their coping mechanisms rather than detract from the urgency of the situation.
  • Infuse more character-specific reactions into the dialogue. This will help to differentiate the characters and make their responses feel more authentic to their established personalities.
  • Enhance the ending by hinting at the next immediate threat or consequence of their actions, which will keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 57 -  Safe Havens
INT. ARMORED SUV 2 - SAME TIME

Ewert catches her breath then looks at Lockhart. Lockhart
nods and shakes it off.

LOCKHART
We’re good.

EWERT
(to the RADIO)
We’re all good --

Lockhart sees the woman. He rolls down the window.

LOCKHART
Get in! We have room!

The Filipino woman and her baby quickly jump into the
backseat.

LOCKHART (CONT’D)
It’s only a quarter mile from here!
We’re almost there!


EXT. PAMPANGA AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE - MOMENTS LATER

A massive crowd of people are gathered outside as they slowly
make their way into the building.

Two SUVs pull up to the building.

The volcanologists and Filipino woman and her baby exit and
follow General Grime and Colonel Studer into the front
entrance.


INT. PAMPANGA AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE - CONTINUOUS

A large gathering of Filipino residents, US military
personnel, and American civilians are gathered just inside.
The volcanologists, two generals, and the pilot walk in
between the crowd.


INT. PAMPANGA AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE - FLOOR 2 - MOMENTS LATER

The volcanologists and two generals enter a room with
MONITORING EQUIPMENT, COMPUTERS, VARIOUS MILITARY PERSONNEL
working PHONE-LINES.

The Room glows with green fluorescent light sticks. Everyone
drops their bags and exhales.

General Grime sees his two daughters running to him and he
holds them close.

Chris watches this take place. He even sees a few tears in
General Grime’s eyes.

Rick Sees Colonel Studer’s son and wife rush over to him.


INT. USGS HEADQUARTERS - DAN’S OFFICE - LATER

THE DOOR OPENS and Patty Lipman is revealed to be standing at
the entrance.

Dan doesn’t even look up from his desk.

PATTY LIPMAN
I just got word from the
Philippines. Clark was in the
damage path -- Pyroclastic flows
and lahars reached the base.

Dan finally looks up from his desk.

PATTY LIPMAN (CONT’D)
Your team got it right. Everyone
was evacuated. There were no
casualties on the base.
(beat)
The Survey was wrong, Dan. I was
wrong. You were right.

A subtle but satisfying smile sneaks onto Dan’s face.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense moment following a volcanic threat, Ewert reassures Lockhart as they help a Filipino woman and her baby into their armored SUV. They arrive at Pampanga Agricultural College, where a crowd gathers, and reunions unfold as General Grime meets his daughters and Colonel Studer embraces his family. Meanwhile, at USGS Headquarters, Patty Lipman informs Dan of the successful evacuation with no casualties, validating his earlier warnings. The scene concludes with a sense of relief and satisfaction as Dan acknowledges the successful outcome.
Strengths
  • Effective balance of action and emotion
  • Satisfying resolution
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing in certain action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-structured, with a good balance of action, emotion, and resolution. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation while providing a satisfying conclusion.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a volcanic eruption and the characters' efforts to save lives, is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and the characters' determination to succeed.

Plot: 8.6

The plot of the scene is engaging, with a clear goal of evacuating people from the danger zone and the tension of facing natural disasters. The resolution of the scene provides a sense of closure and validation for the characters' actions.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the disaster genre by focusing on the human relationships and emotional dynamics amidst the crisis. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8.7

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and emotional reactions add depth to the scene and enhance the audience's connection to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, such as General Grime showing vulnerability and gratitude, and Patty Lipman admitting her mistake. These changes add depth to the characters and contribute to the scene's emotional resonance.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of the people affected by the disaster and to validate their expertise and decision-making skills. This reflects their deeper need for validation, competence, and a sense of responsibility towards others.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to coordinate the evacuation efforts and ensure that everyone is safely transported to a secure location. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing a crisis situation and making quick decisions under pressure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene has a high level of conflict, both external (natural disasters) and internal (character conflicts), which drives the action and emotional intensity. The conflicts are resolved satisfactorily by the end of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the protagonist's decision-making and leadership abilities. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The scene has high stakes, with the characters facing the imminent threat of a volcanic eruption and the need to evacuate people to safety. The potential for loss of life and the urgency of the situation heighten the stakes and drive the action.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving the immediate crisis of the volcanic eruption and setting the stage for the next phase of the narrative. It provides closure to the current conflict while hinting at future challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the evolving dynamics between them. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of trust in expertise and authority. The protagonist's actions challenge the traditional hierarchy and decision-making process, leading to a conflict between following established protocols and taking decisive action based on their knowledge and intuition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of anxiety, relief, and satisfaction in the audience. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate emotionally, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.3

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency of the situation and the characters' emotions. It enhances the tension and provides insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional depth, and dynamic character interactions. The sense of urgency and the human drama draw the audience in and keep them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats that drive the narrative forward. The rhythm of the scene enhances the tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptive elements that enhance the visual storytelling. The formatting aids in the clarity and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character interactions and development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and tension, which is crucial given the context of a volcanic eruption. The dialogue is concise and serves to propel the action forward, particularly Lockhart's command to the woman to get in the vehicle. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by exploring Ewert's condition more deeply, as her injury is mentioned but not fully addressed in terms of its impact on her character and the group dynamic.
  • The transition from the SUV to the Pampanga Agricultural College is smooth, but the introduction of the crowd could benefit from more vivid descriptions. Instead of simply stating that a 'massive crowd' is gathered, consider incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere—sounds of panic, the smell of ash, or the sight of people helping each other could enhance the immediacy of the scene.
  • The emotional reunion between General Grime and his daughters is a strong moment, but it feels somewhat abrupt. Providing a brief moment of reflection from Chris as he witnesses this reunion could deepen the emotional resonance. How does he feel about the danger they just escaped? This could serve to connect the audience more closely with his character.
  • The dialogue between Patty and Dan at USGS Headquarters is effective in conveying the aftermath of the evacuation, but it could be more dynamic. Instead of a straightforward exchange, consider adding subtext or tension—perhaps Dan is still grappling with his previous doubts, or Patty could express her relief in a more emotionally charged way. This would create a more engaging contrast to the high-stakes action of the previous scenes.
Suggestions
  • Expand on Ewert's injury and its implications for the group. Consider adding a line or two that reflects her pain or determination, which could enhance the tension and urgency of their escape.
  • Incorporate more sensory details when describing the crowd at the Pampanga Agricultural College. This will help immerse the audience in the scene and convey the chaos and urgency of the situation more vividly.
  • Add a moment of introspection for Chris as he witnesses General Grime's reunion with his daughters. This could provide a deeper emotional layer to the scene and connect the audience more closely with his character.
  • Introduce more dynamic dialogue between Patty and Dan. Consider adding tension or subtext to their conversation to reflect the stakes of their situation and the emotional weight of the evacuation's success.



Scene 58 -  After the Eruption
INT. CHRIS’S HOME - KITCHEN - SAME TIME

THE PHONE RINGS. Glenda rushes to it and answers.


INT. PAMPANGA AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE - FLOOR 2 - SAME TIME

Chris is holding a SATELLITE PHONE.


INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

GLENDA
Are you safe?

CHRIS NEWHALL
Yeah -- we’re safe.

GLENDA
(light-heartedly)
You’re lying.

She knows Chris too well. Chris’s son overhears his dad on
the phone.

CHRIS’S SON (O.S.)
Is that dad?

Chris hears his son over the phone and smiles.

CHRIS’S SON (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Hey dad!

CHRIS NEWHALL
So good to hear from you, buddy.

CHRIS’S SON
Did the volcano erupt?

CHRIS NEWHALL
It sure did.

CHRIS’S SON
Did you and uncle Ray save
everyone?

Chris waits a moment to answer. He looks over at his team.
Dave is talking to Ewert and Lockhart, comforting them. He
then turns to see Rick, alone in the corner.

CHRIS NEWHALL
-- We did -- We saved everyone.

Dave looks at Lockhart and Ewert.

DAVE HARLOW
You guys did a helluva job.

Ewert finally smiles. Lockhart nods.

LOCKHART
(laughing)
Can we go home now?


Further away, Rick, in the corner, with his back turned
toward the group, is sobbing.

He covers his face. This has all finally caught up to him.
The past. The present. The losses. The successes and self-
reflections.

Walking up behind Rick to comfort him is Chris. Rick turns
around, finally revealing his tears. Chris grabs Rick’s
shoulder to comfort him and nods with understanding.

CHRIS NEWHALL
We couldn’t have done this without
you.

FADE TO:


EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NORTH. RIDGE HILLSIDE - DAY

A shovel digs into the gray ash and scoops it away. Rick
looks at Mount St. Helens which is now missing the north
flank.

His shovel suddenly hits something metal. He stops, bends
over, and retrieves it.

Dan Miller walks up next to Rick and they both look at the
piece of “Coldwater II Camper Door Sign.”

They both look up toward Mount St. Helens now right as the
sun finally shines through.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary In a tense yet emotional scene, Glenda speaks with Chris via satellite phone, confirming his safety after a volcanic eruption. Chris reassures his son about their successful rescue efforts, while his team members share camaraderie amidst the chaos. Rick, struggling with his emotions, finds comfort in Chris's support as they reflect on their experiences. The scene culminates with Rick discovering a piece of a camper door sign, symbolizing the aftermath of the eruption, as the sun breaks through the clouds over Mount St. Helens.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Resonant themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, tension, and reflection, providing a well-rounded and engaging experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the aftermath of a crisis and the emotional toll it takes on the characters is well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of sacrifice, resilience, and camaraderie.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is focused on resolving the immediate crisis and highlighting the emotional aftermath. It moves the story forward while providing closure to the current arc.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the aftermath of a natural disaster by focusing on the emotional impact on the characters and their relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and going through significant emotional arcs. Their interactions feel authentic and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, particularly Rick, who experiences a moment of vulnerability and catharsis.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to provide comfort and support to his team members, especially Rick, who is visibly struggling emotionally. This reflects Chris's deeper need to be a leader and caretaker, as well as his desire for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reassure his son and team members that they are safe and that they have successfully completed their mission of saving everyone. This reflects the immediate circumstances of dealing with the aftermath of a natural disaster and the need to maintain morale and unity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is tension and conflict present, the focus is more on emotional resolution and character growth rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and emotional depth, especially in Rick's internal struggle and Chris's role as a leader and caregiver.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the volcanic eruption and the characters' lives add tension and urgency to the scene, raising the emotional impact.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving a major crisis and setting the stage for the next narrative arc.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional complexity of the characters and the unexpected moments of vulnerability and connection that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between honesty and reassurance. Glenda challenges Chris's attempt to downplay the situation, highlighting the importance of truth and vulnerability in relationships. This conflict challenges Chris's beliefs about leadership and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of empathy, sadness, and hope in the audience. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate strongly.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It feels natural and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes, the intimate character interactions, and the sense of resolution and catharsis after a challenging situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotional release, allowing the audience to connect with the characters and their journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and effective use of intercutting to build tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of relief and camaraderie among the characters after a tense crisis, which is essential for character development and emotional payoff. However, the transition from the urgency of the previous scene to this moment of levity feels slightly abrupt. The emotional weight of Rick's sobbing contrasts sharply with the light-hearted banter among the other characters, which could be better integrated to maintain a consistent tone.
  • Chris's dialogue with his son serves as a nice touch, showcasing the familial bonds and the stakes involved in their work. However, the line 'You’re lying' from Glenda could be rephrased to sound less accusatory and more playful, enhancing the warmth of their relationship. This would help to soften the transition from the previous scene's tension to the relief in this one.
  • Rick's emotional breakdown is a powerful moment, but it could benefit from more buildup. Consider adding a line or two of internal monologue or a flashback that hints at his struggles before this moment. This would provide context for his tears and deepen the audience's understanding of his character arc.
  • The intercutting between Glenda and Chris is effective, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels slightly rushed, especially in the dialogue exchanges. Allowing for more pauses or reactions could enhance the emotional impact and give the audience time to absorb the significance of the moment.
  • The visual imagery of Rick discovering the camper door sign at Mount St. Helens is a poignant symbol of loss and reflection. However, the transition from the emotional moment with Chris to this discovery could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a lingering shot on Rick's face before cutting to the external scene to emphasize the weight of his emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Rick before Chris approaches him, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his emotions more deeply.
  • Rephrase Glenda's line to sound more playful, such as 'You better be telling the truth!' to maintain the warmth of their relationship.
  • Incorporate a line or two of internal dialogue for Rick that hints at his past struggles, providing context for his emotional breakdown.
  • Slow down the pacing of the dialogue exchanges to allow for more emotional resonance, perhaps by adding pauses or reactions from the characters.
  • Enhance the transition to the external scene by including a moment of silence or a lingering shot on Rick's face, emphasizing the emotional weight of the moment before moving to the discovery at Mount St. Helens.



Scene 59 -  Embracing Legacy: A Journey Through Grief and Celebration
INT. DAVID JOHNSTON’S CHILDHOOD HOME - DAY

Rick and Dan Miller are warmly greeted by TOM and ALICE
JOHNSTON (David Johnston’s parents) as they enter the house.


INT. DAVID JOHNSTON’S CHILDHOOD HOME - KITCHEN - LATER

Rick hands Alice Johnston a few PHOTOGRAPHS OF DAVID JOHNSTON
AT COLDWATER II and she looks at them, wiping tears from her
face. Alice grabs Tom’s hand and holds it tight.


INT. DAVID JOHNSTON’S CHILDHOOD HOME - BEDROOM - LATER

Rick and Dan enter David’s room, guided by his father.

Tom Johnston shows them old NOTEBOOKS, PHOTOGRAPHS...


Written on the back of the door is Theodore Roosevelt’s MAN
IN THE ARENA QUOTE and Rick sees it.

Rick and Dan slowly disappear from the room as David Johnston
is now standing there alone, looking at the Man In The
Arena speech on his door.


EXT. CLARK AIR BASE - DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS - CLARK AIR BASE AFTER THE ERUPTION

1. A FOOT OF ASH FILLS THE STREET

2. THE REMNANTS OF A LAHAR, THAT WASHED INTO THE STREET IS
SEEN, HAVING PUSHED ABANDONED CARS TO THE SIDE

3. ASH IS PILED UP ON THE BASKIN ROBBINS, THE PIZZA HUT, THE
THEATERS

4. MARYLAND ST. POV MONITORING HOUSE HAS ALL OF ITS WINDOWS
SHATTERED AND A FOOD OF ASH ON THE LAWN

DAVID JOHNSTON
It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the
strong man stumbled or where the
doer of deeds could have done them
better. The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and
sweat and blood --


EXT. CEMETERY - MORNING

Bayani is standing next to his wife’s GRAVESTONE.

He looks at the PHOTOGRAPH that Ray had found.

He finally places the PHOTOGRAPH on the GRAVESTONE and walks
away. He can finally let go.


INT. VDAP HEADQUARTERS - MONITORING ROOM - DAY

Lockhart slaps down a RESEARCH PAPER HEADER in front of Dave.

INSERT: RESEARCH PAPER, which reads: The Eruption of Mount
Pinatubo - by: Rick Hoblitt, Chris Newhall, Andy Lockhart,
Jill Ewert, Raymundo Punongbayan and Dave Harlow...”


DAVID JOHNSTON (V.O.)
-- who strives valiantly; who errs
and come short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasm, the
great devotion; who spends himself
in a worthy cause --

BACK TO MONITORING ROOM - Lockhart and finally Ewert pat Dave
on the back. Dave is finally published after all these years.


EXT. CHRIS’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Chris, Glenda, and their son are playing baseball in the
backyard.

DAVID JOHNSTON (V.O.)
-- who, at the best, knows in the
end of the triumph of high
achievement and who at the worst,
if he fails, at least fails while
daring greatly -- so that his place
shall never be with those timid
souls who know neither victory nor
defeat.

Ray arrives with his wife and four children and are greeted
with hugs and high fives. Chris pats Ray on the back and
hands him a cold beer.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Rick and Dan Miller visit David Johnston's childhood home, where they share emotional moments with his parents, Tom and Alice, as they reflect on David's legacy. The scene transitions from their grief to a voiceover of David reciting Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech, emphasizing courage in adversity. Bayani visits his wife's gravestone, symbolizing his journey of letting go. Meanwhile, at VDAP headquarters, Lockhart supports Dave in his long-awaited publication. The scene concludes with a joyful family gathering, contrasting the earlier themes of loss with moments of celebration and closure.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Powerful thematic exploration
  • Authentic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, reflection, and resilience in the face of tragedy. The incorporation of the Man in the Arena quote adds a poignant layer to the narrative, while the exploration of David Johnston's legacy and the aftermath of the eruption provide a compelling and impactful story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a natural disaster through the lens of personal reflection and resilience is compelling and well-executed. The incorporation of the Man in the Arena quote adds a layer of thematic depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on reflection, resilience, and emotional exploration in the aftermath of a natural disaster. It effectively weaves together personal stories and thematic elements to create a compelling narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of personal and natural elements, intertwining family history with a natural disaster aftermath. The use of philosophical quotes adds depth and complexity to the characters' reflections.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions, from grief and nostalgia to hope and resilience. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle character changes, such as Dave finally being published and the characters reflecting on their experiences, the focus is more on emotional growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene seems to be coming to terms with his past, his identity, and his purpose. The quotes and the emotional reactions of the characters suggest a journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly clear, but it may involve reconnecting with his past, understanding his family history, and possibly finding closure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene focuses more on emotional exploration and reflection rather than external conflict. The conflict arises from the characters' internal struggles and the aftermath of the natural disaster.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the protagonist's internal struggles, the philosophical conflict, and the emotional challenges faced by the characters. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more internal and emotional in nature, focusing on personal reflection, resilience, and hope in the face of tragedy. While there is a sense of urgency and impact from the disaster, the scene's focus is on the characters' emotional journeys.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by exploring the aftermath of the natural disaster and the characters' emotional journeys. It provides closure and reflection on the events that have transpired.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the emotional revelations and the protagonist's internal struggles. The philosophical conflict adds a layer of uncertainty and complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of courage, perseverance, and the willingness to take risks. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about success, failure, and the value of personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, grief, hope, and resilience. The exploration of personal stories and the aftermath of the disaster elicits a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and themes of reflection, resilience, and hope. The incorporation of the Man in the Arena quote adds a powerful and poignant element to the dialogue.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, introspective dialogue, and the blend of personal and natural elements. The philosophical conflict and character interactions keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively balances introspective moments with external action, creating a rhythm that enhances the emotional impact and thematic resonance of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a coherent progression from the childhood home to the eruption aftermath, reflecting the protagonist's journey of self-discovery and acceptance.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, particularly in the interactions between Rick, Dan, and David's parents. However, the transition from the intimate moment in the Johnston home to the broader implications of the eruption could be more seamless. The juxtap of personal loss with the aftermath of the eruption is powerful, but the flow feels slightly disjointed. Consider enhancing the transitions to create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • The use of David Johnston's voiceover is effective in tying together the various threads of the scene, but it could be more impactful if it directly relates to the visuals being presented. For instance, as the voiceover speaks about the valor of those in the arena, the visuals could more explicitly depict the struggles and triumphs of the characters, reinforcing the message.
  • The series of shots at Clark Air Base effectively convey the devastation, but they could benefit from more specific details that evoke a stronger emotional response. Instead of general shots of ash and debris, consider including close-ups of personal items or remnants of life before the eruption, which would enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the emotional beats could be emphasized further. For example, when Alice Johnston wipes away tears, a brief pause could allow the audience to absorb the moment before moving on to the next visual. This would heighten the emotional impact and give the audience a moment to connect with the characters' grief.
  • The ending, with the family reunion and the voiceover, is uplifting but could feel more earned if there were a stronger sense of resolution for Rick and Dan. Their journey through grief and loss should culminate in a more explicit acknowledgment of their growth or change, making the final moments feel more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transitions between the intimate moments in the Johnston home and the broader implications of the eruption to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider making David Johnston's voiceover more directly tied to the visuals, ensuring that the themes of valor and struggle are visually represented in the scenes that accompany the voiceover.
  • Incorporate more specific details in the shots of Clark Air Base to evoke a stronger emotional response, such as close-ups of personal items or remnants of life before the eruption.
  • Allow for brief pauses during emotional moments, such as Alice Johnston wiping away tears, to give the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Strengthen the resolution for Rick and Dan by including a moment that explicitly acknowledges their growth or change, making the final moments feel more satisfying and earned.



Scene 60 -  A Heartfelt Reunion
INT. RICK’S HOUSE - OFFICE - DAY

A FAX IS PRINTING. Rick’s daughter quickly reaches for it.

INSERT - FAX, which reads: COORDINATES - “39°59'59.6"N
105°17'02.3"W”

BACK TO RICK’S OFFICE - She quickly looks at a map. She
carefully traces her finger across it.

She comes to the realization quickly. THE COORDINATES ARE HER
HOME ADDRESS.

She turns around and standing at the door is Rick. She rushes
to him and hugs him. Rick has tears in his eyes as he
embraces his daughter.

Marian appears at the office entrance and sees Rick and her
daughter sharing a hug.

She smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.




INSERT -- POST CREDIT INFORMATION --


When Mount St. Helens erupted on
May 18, 1980, it exploded with a
force nearly eight times more
powerful than the largest nuclear
bomb ever detonated.

57 people were killed... including
volcanologist David Johnson.

12 days before Mount Pinatubo
erupted, volcanologist Harry
Glicken, Maurice & Katie Krafft
were killed on Mount Unzen on June
2, 1991 along with 39 journalists.

Mount Pinatubo hit its cataclysmic
phase on June 14, 1991. The
eruption was ten times larger than
St. Helens.

An estimated 20,000 personnel and
civilians from Clark Air Base and
60,000 Filipino residents were
evacuated two days before the
eruption.

Typhoon Yunya’s heavy rains mixed
with Pinatubo’s ash fall collapsed
roofs around the countryside
killing 847 people.

If it wasn’t for the Filipino and
American scientists who accurately
predicted the eruption and acted
with evacuations, the death toll
could have been 300,000.

This team of volcanologists called
themselves...

The Volcano Cowboys.


MUSIC CUE - “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I
Feel Fine)” by: R.E.M. begins to play...

THE END.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Disaster"]

Summary In Rick's home office, a fax reveals his home address, prompting his daughter to rush into his arms for an emotional hug, showcasing their deep bond. Marian, Rick's partner, watches from the doorway, smiling at the touching moment. The scene captures the relief and love shared between them, ending with a fade to black.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Thematic resonance
  • Historical context
  • Character development
  • Action sequences
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Conflict level could be heightened for more tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines emotional moments with high-stakes action, providing closure to character arcs while setting up the historical impact of the events. The emotional depth and thematic resonance elevate the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending personal relationships, historical events, and themes of heroism in the face of disaster is well-developed and effectively conveyed. The scene's concept resonates with the overarching narrative of the script.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene effectively resolves character arcs, provides closure, and sets up future events. The balance between emotional resolution and action-driven narrative keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of personal drama and historical context, adding depth and complexity to the characters' motivations and actions. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and reactions contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters show emotional depth, growth, and resilience, particularly in the father-daughter moment. Each character's actions and reactions are consistent with their arcs, adding to the overall impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional growth and resolution in the scene, particularly Rick and his daughter. The moment of connection and closure signifies a significant change in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and reunite with his daughter, reflecting his deep need for family connection and safety.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the safety of his family in the face of potential natural disasters, as indicated by the coordinates pointing to their home address.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on personal relationships and the characters' struggles rather than external action-driven conflict. This adds depth to the narrative but may be less intense in terms of traditional conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create suspense and uncertainty about the characters' safety and future, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the impending eruption and the historical context of past disasters adding weight to the characters' actions. The potential loss of lives and the sacrifices made enhance the sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving character arcs, setting up future events, and providing closure to key narrative threads. The progression is smooth and purposeful.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mix of personal and historical elements, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family, sacrifice, and the unpredictable forces of nature. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his ability to protect his loved ones in the face of uncontrollable events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of hope, tragedy, and resilience from the audience. The emotional depth of the characters and the thematic resonance contribute to the scene's emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional weight of the scene, with moments of reflection, urgency, and connection between characters. While not overly complex, the dialogue serves its purpose in enhancing the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines personal drama with historical context, creating a sense of urgency and emotional depth. The characters' reactions and the unfolding mystery of the coordinates keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, balancing moments of tension and emotion with quieter, reflective beats. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal and external struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions, impactful visual elements, and effective use of inserts to convey important information.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and emotion effectively. The formatting enhances the impact of key moments, such as the reveal of the coordinates and the emotional reunion.


Critique
  • The emotional climax of the scene is effective, showcasing a poignant moment between Rick and his daughter. However, the scene could benefit from more context regarding their relationship and the significance of the coordinates. A brief flashback or a line of dialogue could enhance the emotional weight of the moment, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with their bond.
  • The transition from the fax printing to the daughter's realization feels abrupt. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or confusion on her part before she recognizes the coordinates. This could build suspense and make the eventual hug more impactful.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the use of the fax and the map. However, the scene could be enriched by incorporating more sensory details. For example, describe the sounds of the fax machine, the atmosphere in the room, or the expressions on the characters' faces to create a more immersive experience.
  • The ending, while emotionally satisfying, could be enhanced by a line of dialogue from Marian that acknowledges the moment. This would not only provide closure but also reinforce the theme of family unity amidst chaos. It would also give Marian a more active role in the scene, rather than just being a passive observer.
  • The use of 'FADE TO BLACK' is appropriate, but consider whether a more gradual transition might serve the emotional tone better. Perhaps a slow zoom out from the hug could allow the audience to linger in the moment before the credits roll.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief flashback or dialogue that highlights Rick's relationship with his daughter, emphasizing why this moment is significant for both of them.
  • Include a moment of hesitation or confusion from the daughter before she realizes the coordinates, building suspense and emotional impact.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the fax machine or the characters' expressions, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Marian that acknowledges the hug, reinforcing the theme of family unity and giving her a more active role in the scene.
  • Explore a gradual transition from the hug to the 'FADE TO BLACK' to allow the audience to fully absorb the emotional weight of the moment.