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Scene 1 -  The Model Skyscraper
INT. BASS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

JERRY KOWALSKI (70s) sits at his desk with a device plugged
into the laptop. A bar across the laptop screen says
DOWNLOADING.

He has a COUGHING fit and looks around him to make sure no
one is watching.

Finally, it finishes its download. He shuts his computer and
walks out.

Jerry walks slowly and deliberately down the dimly lit
corridor and pauses in front of a display case featuring a
city block with silver skyscrapers and a large out door mall.

Jerry is gaunt and disappears in his loose fitting suit.

There are several people walking in the opposite direction.
In unison,

PEOPLE
Good night Mr Kowalski.

Jerry nods with a smile as they pass. But the smile
disappears quickly.

Jerry has a coughing fit that brings up blood and sputum into
his handkerchief. He steadies himself with one hand on the
wall.

A MAN (50s) clad in a green maintenance outfit pushes a
vacuum up the hall toward Jerry. He puts on his mask. Jerry
shakes his head, holds out a hand and wheezes.

JERRY
Don’t worry, it’s cancer, not
covid.

The man looks blankly at Jerry and then at the display.

MAN
You build?

Jerry peers at the display and shakes his head.
2.


JERRY
Over my dead body.

MAN
Que?

Jerry waves him off and watches as the man pushes the vacuum
with lackluster effort.

Jerry has another coughing attack. The man turns the corner
and disappears.

Jerry turns back to the display and looks at the model
skyscraper.

He backhands the structure so hard that it shatters into
pieces.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Jerry Kowalski, at the Bass Headquarters, downloads something on his laptop while having a coughing fit. He destroys a model skyscraper in a display case after interacting with a maintenance man. The scene is tense and mysterious, with a hint of unresolved conflict regarding Jerry's health issues.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Intriguing plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up intrigue and tension, with a strong focus on the main character's mysterious illness and his destructive behavior.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character dealing with a serious illness and exhibiting destructive behavior is compelling and sets up a strong foundation for the rest of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot is intriguing and sets up questions about the main character's motivations and actions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique character dynamic between Jerry and the man, as well as a fresh approach to exploring themes of illness and secrecy.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and the main character's struggle with his illness is portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 7

The main character exhibits a change in behavior, showing a darker side to his personality.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to hide his illness and maintain a facade of normalcy. This reflects his fear of being perceived as weak or vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

Jerry's external goal is to download something from his laptop and destroy the model skyscraper in the display case. This reflects his immediate circumstances and challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a sense of internal conflict within the main character, as well as potential external conflicts with other characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised with the main character's destructive behavior and mysterious illness, adding tension to the story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces key elements of the story and sets up questions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Jerry's desire to maintain control and hide his illness, and the man's lack of concern or understanding of Jerry's situation. This challenges Jerry's values of self-preservation and dignity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the main character's struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, mysterious elements, and subtle character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and conflict, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about Jerry's motivations and actions.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially the exchange between Jerry and the maintenance man.
  • The coughing fits and blood bring a dark and uncomfortable tone to the scene without adding depth or meaning.
  • The interaction with the maintenance man and the destruction of the model skyscraper feel disconnected and random.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The characterization of Jerry is unclear and inconsistent, making it difficult for the audience to connect with him.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Jerry's motivations and goals in the scene to give it a clear direction.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on building tension and conflict.
  • Consider removing the coughing fits and blood to avoid unnecessary darkness in the scene.
  • Connect the interaction with the maintenance man and the destruction of the model skyscraper to create a cohesive narrative.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or obstacle for Jerry to overcome in the scene to make it more dynamic and engaging.
  • Refine Jerry's characterization to make him more relatable and consistent throughout the scene.



Scene 2 -  The Exchange
EXT. 30TH STREET STATION - DAY

Jerry stands at a row of lockers. He carries a back pack and
takes one of the drives out of his pocket and places it in
the bag.

He then walks across the terminal to the other row of
lockers. He places a second drive in the locker.

He exits the station.


EXT. RITTENHOUSE SQUARE - DAY

GIOVANNI GIANCA (late 60s) is seated on the park bench. He’s
a smallish pudge of a man with a full head of silver hair and
a burly moustache. He’s a larger Danny Devito with a heart of
gold. But he can be just as temperamental as Louie from Taxi.

He watches as Jerry makes his way up the path toward him. He
stands and as an old friend would, guides him to the bench
and helps him sit down.

JERRY
Don’t treat me like an invalid.

GIOVANNI
Please, I treat you like a King and
I am your servant.

JERRY
You always did put a positive spin
on things.
3.


GIOVANNI
So why the cloak and dagger
routine. You should have just come
to the restaurant for a
porterhouse.

JERRY
This is serious. But maybe tonight.

He smiles a wily smile.

GIOVANNI
Ok, ok. You said you can help me
save my property from ruin by your
boss.

Jerry takes out an envelope from his pocket and pours its
contents into his palm.

JERRY
This is all you need to know. There
are two things. This.

He holds a keys in his left hand.

JERRY (CONT’D)
And this.

In his right is another.

JERRY (CONT’D)
One will ruin Myles Bass. One will
make you a very wealthy man.

He hands them to Giovanni.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Guard these with your life. Tell no
one until I tell you it’s safe. Let
some time pass. When Myles Bass
finds out his fortune is missing,
he’ll know it was me.

GIOVANNI
If this one will ruin Bass, that’s
good enough for me. I don’t need
his fortune.

JERRY
Don’t be a pious, old man. You’ll
do right with his ill gotten gains.
Trust me. But he won’t be able to
threaten your livelihood anymore.
(MORE)
4.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Besides, maybe you’ll get to buy
that Villa in Positano some day.

Giovanni grips both keys in his palm.

GIOVANNI
Thank you, old friend. I’m indebted
to you.

JERRY
It’s time I did the right thing to
get this bastard. I’m doing it for
you as much as myself. I want to
die peacefully. My way.

Giovanni rubs his friends shoulder then grips his hand.

GIOVANNI
It’s cold and I have to get back to
the restaurant.

JERRY
I’ll sit here a while.

Giovanni rises. He places the keys in his pocket. He puts his
hand out and instead leans in and hugs his friend.

GIOVANNI
Come to the restaurant tonight for
that Porterhouse.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jerry places drives in lockers at the train station before meeting Giovanni in Rittenhouse Square. He gives Giovanni keys that will either ruin Myles Bass or make Giovanni wealthy. Jerry confides in Giovanni and entrusts him with important keys, expressing his desire for revenge. The conflict revolves around Jerry's plan and Giovanni's decision to participate, which is resolved as Giovanni agrees to help. The scene ends with Giovanni inviting Jerry to a meal at the restaurant.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot setup
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of tension and emotional depth through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The stakes are high, and the audience is left intrigued by the mysterious keys and their potential impact on the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using keys as a symbol of power and redemption is unique and engaging. The scene sets up a compelling plot point that will likely drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the keys are introduced, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the story. The scene sets up a significant turning point in the relationship between the characters and their motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of betrayal and redemption, with nuanced character interactions and a suspenseful plot. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant. Jerry and Giovanni have a strong bond that is tested by the secrets they hold.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jerry and Giovanni undergo subtle but significant changes in this scene. Jerry reveals a desire for redemption and a sense of responsibility, while Giovanni is faced with a moral dilemma that could alter his fate.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal is to seek redemption and closure by taking down Myles Bass and ensuring Giovanni's safety. This reflects his desire for justice and peace in his life.

External Goal: 7

Jerry's external goal is to protect Giovanni's property from ruin and potentially gain wealth by manipulating Myles Bass. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a powerful adversary.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the secrets and high stakes involved in the exchange of the keys. The tension between the characters adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Jerry and Myles Bass. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters hold the power to change their fates and the fate of others. The outcome of the exchange of keys could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point that will likely drive the narrative in new and unexpected directions. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected twists in the plot. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of using deception and manipulation to achieve justice. Jerry's actions challenge his own values and beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the interactions between Jerry and Giovanni. Their bond and the weight of their shared history are palpable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters' motivations and relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful plot, emotional depth of the characters, and moral dilemmas they face. The reader is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax, and resolution. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the emotional intensity of the moment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in the exchange of keys between Jerry and Giovanni.
  • The dialogue between Jerry and Giovanni feels a bit on the nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The character descriptions in the script are detailed but not fully utilized in the scene, Giovanni's temperament as described could be more evident in his interactions with Jerry.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling, such as gestures, facial expressions, or the surroundings in Rittenhouse Square.
  • The emotional depth of the scene could be heightened by exploring the history and dynamics of the friendship between Jerry and Giovanni.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the conversation between Jerry and Giovanni, delving into their past experiences or shared history to create a richer emotional connection.
  • Introduce more visual cues to convey the tension and importance of the exchange of keys, such as close-up shots of the keys changing hands or subtle gestures that reveal the characters' inner thoughts.
  • Explore ways to show Giovanni's temperamental side in his interactions with Jerry, adding complexity to his character and the dynamics between the two friends.
  • Work on creating a more dynamic and engaging dialogue that conveys the weight of the situation without being too direct or expository.
  • Consider incorporating elements of suspense or foreshadowing to build anticipation for the consequences of Jerry's actions and the impact on both characters.



Scene 3 -  Confrontation in the Messy Apartment
EXT. ALEX’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

As SAM RAINES (30s) steps out of his vintage Porsche, he
checks himself in the rear view mirror then closes the door.
He walks up the steps of the three story brownstone to the
front door which is ajar. He pauses and looks behind him
before entering the building.


INT. ALEX’S APARTMENT - DAY

Sam takes the steps two at a time to the second floor
apartment.

The door to the apartment is wide open and Sam walks in.

The sound of a BASEBALL GAME can be heard amid the cries of
joy from a man’s voice in the bedroom which is off the living
area.

ALEX RAINES (late 20s - early 30s) lies sideways on a
Barcalounger watching baseball.
5.


His legs hang over the arm rest as he tosses a ball in the
air. A baseball bat leans against the chair and there’s a
glove on the bed.

Sam pokes his head into the room.

SAM
Um, what the fuck, buddy? I bought
this place with the understanding
you’d grown up.

ALEX
What?

SAM
Doors wide open. The place is a
mess.

ALEX
I’m waiting for a pizza.

SAM
Don’t you eat at work?

ALEX
I’m hungry, now.

Alex throws the ball at Sam and he catches it with one hand.
He tosses it back to Alex.

SAM
Speaking of work, don’t you have
somewhere to be?

Alex checks the time on the clock on the wall.

ALEX
I’ve got 20 minutes before I need
to leave. You’re not the boss. And,
the Phillies are going to win. You
owe me a C note.

SAM
Daylight savings, douche bag.
You’re late. And, no way the
Phillies go the distance.

Alex looks at his phone. It’s burning up with texts from
KATIE.

ALEX
Shit. I gotta pick up Katie.
6.


SAM
You still trying to tap that?

ALEX
She’s just a friend.

SAM
Does she still open beers with her
teeth?

ALEX
Ha ha.

Alex texts her back that he’ll be there in five. He leaps to
his feet and quickly changes into his uniform - black pants,
white shirt and bow tie.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Why are you here?

SAM
I need my stash.

Alex sighs.

ALEX
I thought you stopped dealing.

SAM
Give me a little credit.

Alex scowls with feigned disgust.

ALEX
You never learn. But I’m glad to
get that shit out of here.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Do me a favor, just stay out of
prison, please.
SAM
Trust me, I’m not going back there.

ALEX
Why not? It gives you an excuse to
rub up against a few hairy bulls in
the shower. Admit it.

Sam lunges for Alex. Alex leaps back and grabs a bat. Sam
tackles him on the bed and presses the bat against his chest.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Take it easy, Sally.
7.


Alex knees him in the groin and Sam rolls off the bed.

SAM
Okay, okay. You always go for the
jewels.

ALEX
Not much of a fortune.

Alex straightens his bow tie.

Sam stands up and as he does, hits Alex in the balls. Alex
drops to the ground in agony.

SAM
Never, ever let your guard down
with someone whose been to prison.

ALEX
You were at a country club. That’s
a cheap shot.

Sam walks into the living room. He kicks aside a throw rug.
He feels the floor board with his hands until he find the
right one. He opens it, revealing a stash of marijuana in a
large vacuum packed seal.

He turns toward the door.

SAM
See you at the restaurant. Douche.

ALEX
Wait! Can I have a ride?

SAM
Later dude, I have too many stops
to make and unless you’re a babe
with a “bodacious set of tatas”
there’s no chance of you ever
riding in that car.

Alex walks after him.

ALEX
K, that’s not even funny anymore.
And, you stole it from Officer and
a Gentleman. Loser. Total chick
flick!

Alex slams the door, still aching.

He walks over to the carpet and straightens it out.
8.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Sam confronts Alex in his messy apartment about his behavior and the state of the place. They banter about various topics, including Alex's relationship with Katie and Sam's past as a dealer. The scene ends with Sam finding his stash of marijuana and leaving Alex's apartment.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched humor
  • Slightly predictable conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and entertaining, with a good balance of humor and conflict. The dialogue is sharp and witty, keeping the audience interested in the interactions between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene revolves around the relationship between two friends, their banter, and the conflict that arises from their interactions. The idea of a stash of marijuana hidden in the apartment adds an element of tension and humor to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene focuses on the dynamic between the two characters, their playful banter, and the conflict that arises when one character discovers the other's stash. The plot moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters and their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of responsibility and friendship but presents them in a fresh and humorous way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions. Alex is portrayed as laid-back and carefree, while Sam is more confrontational and sarcastic. Their interactions create a dynamic and engaging scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both characters undergo a minor change in their dynamic throughout the scene. Alex becomes more assertive and confrontational, while Sam reveals a more vulnerable side to his tough exterior.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal in this scene is to confront Alex about his behavior and possibly his past actions. This reflects Sam's need for order and responsibility, as well as his desire for Alex to change his ways.

External Goal: 7

Sam's external goal is to get his stash from Alex's apartment and leave to go to work. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Alex's behavior and the time constraint of needing to leave soon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both physical and verbal, between the two characters. The tension adds depth to their relationship and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and tension between the characters. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their differences and move forward.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, mainly revolving around the conflict between the characters and the reveal of the stash. While there is tension and humor, the consequences are not life-threatening.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters, their relationships, and the conflicts they face. It sets up future developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions, such as the physical altercation between Sam and Alex. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sam's sense of responsibility and Alex's carefree attitude. This challenges Sam's beliefs about maturity and accountability, as well as Alex's beliefs about living in the moment and having fun.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly driven by the humor and conflict between the characters. The audience is likely to feel entertained and engaged by the interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and realistic, capturing the banter and conflict between the characters effectively. The dialogue drives the scene forward and reveals more about the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the underlying tension between the characters. The humor and conflict keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a well-defined setting, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as the interaction between Sam and Alex feels disjointed and lacks a strong narrative thread.
  • The dialogue between Sam and Alex, while attempting to establish their relationship and dynamic, comes off as forced and unnatural at times.
  • The transition from playful banter to physical violence between Sam and Alex feels abrupt and out of place, disrupting the flow of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in portraying the relationship between Sam and Alex, as the current interactions feel exaggerated and melodramatic.
  • The scene does not effectively advance the overall plot or character development, making it feel like a filler scene with little impact on the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Focus on creating a more cohesive and purposeful interaction between Sam and Alex that contributes to the overall narrative arc.
  • Explore alternative ways to establish the relationship between Sam and Alex without relying on cliched tropes like physical violence.
  • Introduce elements that tie back to the main plot or character arcs to ensure that the scene serves a meaningful purpose in the larger story.
  • Work on refining the tone and pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent mood and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 4 -  Enchanted Encounter
EXT. WALNUT STREET - NIGHT

A dented, older model Honda turns down a narrow, residential
street off of Walnut Street and stops in front of a three
story walk up.

As Alex gets out of the car, the front door opens and an
elderly woman, JENNY (65) in a bathrobe pokes her head out
the door. Behind her comes an AIDE who takes Jenny’s hand.

AIDE
Come Ms. Jenny, it’s cold out here.

Staring blankly, Jenny holds the railing. Her lower jaw bobs
up and down and she glares at Alex.

ALEX
Hi Jenny.

Alex waves. She scowls. The aide guides her back to the door
as KATIE (20s) squeezes by. In a hurry, she hands the aide
some money and says something to her.

Alex watches as she comes down the steps. He is enchanted by
her.

Katie quickly gets in the car.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Alex arrives at Jenny's residence where he interacts with Jenny, who appears confused and agitated, and an aide who assists her. Katie rushes past Alex, handing money to the aide before getting into a car. Alex is captivated by Katie, leaving him enchanted as the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of a new character
  • Building tension and intrigue
  • Subtle hints at potential romantic subplot
Weaknesses
  • Limited action or major plot development
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character and sets up potential conflicts and relationships, adding depth to the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an unexpected encounter with a new character adds intrigue and sets up potential plot developments.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced by introducing a new character and setting up potential conflicts and relationships.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds originality through the unique interactions between the characters and the subtle hints at deeper emotional conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Alex showing interest in Katie and the elderly woman's negative reaction adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Alex shows interest in Katie, hinting at potential character development and changes in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Katie and possibly start a romantic relationship. This reflects his deeper desire for companionship and love.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to pick up Katie and possibly spend time with her. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their meeting and the challenge of making a good impression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily between Alex and the elderly woman.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and potential relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces a new character and sets up potential plot developments, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters and the potential for conflict or romance to develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between the protagonist's desire for companionship and the challenges of starting a new relationship. This challenges his beliefs about love and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of negative and positive emotions, adding depth to the characters and potential relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Alex, Katie, and the elderly woman effectively conveys tension, intrigue, and potential romantic interest.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters and the hint of romantic tension between Alex and Katie.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and anticipation as the characters interact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character introductions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, leaving the audience unsure of its significance in the overall story.
  • The interaction between Alex, Jenny, the aide, and Katie feels disjointed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not reveal much about the characters or advance the plot.
  • The visual descriptions are limited, missing an opportunity to create a vivid and engaging setting for the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or tension in the scene, making it feel flat and uninteresting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear objective or conflict to the scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Develop the characters of Jenny, the aide, and Katie further to make their interactions with Alex more meaningful and engaging.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' motivations, relationships, and emotions.
  • Include more detailed visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene.
  • Introduce elements of tension, emotion, or intrigue to make the scene more compelling and impactful.



Scene 5 -  Morning Commute to Gio Cucina
INT. ALEX’S CAR - DAY

They drive in silence for a moment. Katie is miffed.

KATIE
We’re going to be late.

ALEX
We’re fine. Grammy seems a little
irritable this morning.

KATIE
You might not need this job, but I
do.


ALEX
Now, who’s crabby?

Silence for a moment as they drive.

KATIE
I was up all night with her. Sorry.
9.


Alex drums the steering wheel as he navigates the busy
street.

ALEX
I get it. Trust me. Been there.

Katie has Taylor Swift good looks. She is well above his
grade, but hope carries the day.

Alex glances at her and smiles awkwardly.

ALEX (CONT’D)
You in tomorrow?

KATIE
I’m covering for Debbie.
ALEX
Again?

KATIE
Her daughter’s back in dialysis.

He looks off to the right as the fog settles over the river.

ALEX
Poor kid.

They continue is silence until he pops in his Neil Diamond
CD. Forever in Blue Jeans is the first song to play.

KATIE
I swear you’re from a different
era.

He looks at her.

ALEX
Got it from my mother. His music
soothed her through chemo. Brought
back a happier time.
KATIE
Aww. What was her favorite song?

ALEX
This one. Forever in Blue Jeans.
She said it was about her and my
dad.I believed it was about them.
But, as I grew older, I realized he
wasn’t who she thought he was.

Katie makes small circles with her index finger on her knee.
10.


KATIE
I’ll have to listen to it, again.

ALEX
Well, here we are.

He pulls up to the parking lot of Gio Cucina.

ALEX (CONT’D)
My mom wanted me to make it big
someday and name a cancer center
after her. Not making much progress
on that front.

KATIE
You’re young, still.
Gio Cucina is located along a heavily trafficked street. The
3- story converted house stands between two buildings with
“SOLD” signs on them.

He turns the car off and they sit for a moment.

KATIE (CONT’D)
Can’t we just keep going all the
way to the shore? I love walking on
the beach when it’s cold.

ALEX
I wish.

KATIE
I’d like it.

Alex looks at her, but shyly looks away. He stares ahead at
the building.

ALEX
Maybe it’s passed its prime, but it
has charm.
Katie looks at the building, too.

KATIE
Have you heard anything about the
restaurant? Is Gio really going to
sell?

ALEX
As far as I know there is no sale.
Gio won’t let it go for any amount
of money.
11.


KATIE
I like that about him. He stands
for something.

ALEX
Gio is the real deal.

Silence for a moment.

They exit the car and walk toward the rear entrance.

KATIE
Listen, some of us are going to
Smokies after work to blow off some
steam.

ALEX
Yeah? A little dancing, huh?

KATIE
I’ve seen your moves. Not so bad.

ALEX
I’ll stop by, sure.

Hiding his excitement, they walk into the restaurant.

NEIL DIAMOND
Forever in Blue Jeans.....
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Katie and Alex drive in silence to work, discussing their personal lives and relationships. They bond over music and family stories before arriving at the restaurant where they work. Despite initial frustration about being late, Katie and Alex connect through conversation and empathy, with Katie inviting Alex to join her at Smokies after work. The scene ends with them walking into Gio Cucina together.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a connection between the characters, delving into their emotional depth and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal histories and aspirations through music is engaging and relatable, adding depth to the characters and setting.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is subtle in this scene, the emotional development of the characters and the establishment of their relationship dynamics are crucial for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on familiar themes of family, love, and personal growth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Alex and Katie are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and relatable struggles. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Both Alex and Katie undergo subtle emotional changes during the scene, revealing more about their pasts and aspirations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his complicated feelings about his family history and his mother's illness. He is also trying to connect with Katie on a deeper level.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate his job and personal relationships, particularly with Katie and his boss Gio.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a lack of overt conflict in this scene, the underlying tensions and personal struggles of the characters hint at potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal conflicts and emotional struggles, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and character development than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it deepens the emotional connection between the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' complex emotions and relationships, leaving the audience unsure of how their interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's idealized view of his parents' relationship and the reality of their past. This challenges his beliefs about love and family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a bittersweet and nostalgic emotional response, drawing the audience into the characters' personal stories and struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and revealing, providing insight into the characters' backgrounds and motivations. It enhances the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and subtle character development. The quiet moments and introspective conversations draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' emotions and relationships to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a dialogue-heavy screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and action, building tension and emotional depth effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction or purpose, as the conversation between Alex and Katie feels aimless and lacks a strong narrative drive.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with exchanges that don't flow smoothly or feel authentic.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging for the audience.
  • The character development is limited, with Alex and Katie's interactions not revealing much depth or complexity to their personalities.
  • The transition between the conversation about Neil Diamond's music and the arrival at Gio Cucina feels abrupt and disjointed.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging for the audience.
  • Work on developing the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Focus on giving the characters more depth and complexity through their interactions and conversations.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between different topics of conversation to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider adding a clear objective or goal for the characters in the scene to drive the action forward.



Scene 6 -  Empty Crypto Accounts
EXT. BASS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

MYLES BASS (60s) stands at the window of his large, spacious
office and peers down and to the right. Myles is dressed in a
pin striped suit and looks lean. He is tan and relaxed
looking like a man who has everything at his disposal.

BECK (40s) is seated in front of his desk with a leg crossed
over his knee. He is well coiffed, wearing kind of a shiny
silver suit, black shirt and tie. He’s as dangerous as they
come.

A thin, pale MAN knocks on the door. Myles turns.

MYLES
I’m in a meeting.

The man, SAMPERS (30), looks scared to death.

SAMPERS
You’re going to want to hear this.
12.


MYLES
What?

Sampers looks at Beck. Beck stares him down.

MYLES (CONT’D)
Speak.

SAMPERS
We seem to have encountered a
glitch.

MYLES
A what?

Samper looks over at Beck, again.
MYLES (CONT’D)
Go ahead, Sampers.

Sampers stands in front of him, sweating, scared.

MYLES (CONT’D)
What glitch?

SAMPERS
Maybe not so much as a glitch as,
well, deliberate theft.

MYLES
Excuse me? What did you just say?

SAMPERS
I did a routine scan of the files
and accounts. You know, the crypto
accounts which I strongly suggested
you avoid.

MYLES
What about them?
SAMPERS
The accounts are...empty. Zero
balance.

MYLES
What do you mean empty? As in wiped
out? I mean the market’s been
terrible but zero.

SAMPERS
No sir, irrespective of the bear
market.
(MORE)
13.

SAMPERS (CONT’D)
The crypto has been transferred out
and we can’t figure out to where.

MYLES
You mean I’ve been robbed?

SAMPERS
Not only that. Certain files are
missing. Files that pertain to some
of the deals and side deals. Files
that only a few people knew about.
Jerry being one of them.

MYLES
Jerry? No, he wouldn’t.

Myles picks up the phone and dials a number. It goes to voice
mail and he hangs up.

He slams the desk. He motions at Beck

Beck leaves them while Sampers wrings his hands.

Myles walks around his desk and closes the door. He motions
for Sampers to sit and Myles sits on the edge of the desk.

MYLES (CONT’D)
Now, tell me what files are
missing.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Myles Bass is shocked to learn from Sampers that their crypto accounts have been emptied and certain files are missing. Suspecting Jerry's involvement, Myles demands to know what files are missing, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere outside Bass Headquarters during the day. The scene ends with Myles waiting for Sampers to reveal more information.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the revelation of theft and missing files, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about the unfolding mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of theft and betrayal within a corporate environment is well-executed, setting up a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the discovery of theft and missing files, creating a sense of urgency and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the corporate thriller genre by incorporating elements of digital theft and crypto accounts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Myles Bass portrayed as a powerful and authoritative figure, while Sampers appears nervous and conflicted. Their interactions reveal the dynamics of their relationships.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between the characters are further revealed, setting the stage for potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Myles' internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the theft and missing files, which reflects his fear of betrayal and desire to maintain control over his business empire.

External Goal: 7

Myles' external goal is to recover the stolen crypto and files, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his reputation and power in the business world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the revelation of theft and missing files creating a sense of urgency and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of betrayal and theft creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of theft and betrayal within a corporate setting add tension and urgency to the scene, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, setting up future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of theft and missing files, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and betrayal, as Myles grapples with the possibility of someone close to him being involved in the theft. This challenges his beliefs about loyalty and honesty in business relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the tension and conflict between the characters while advancing the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tense dialogue, and the mystery surrounding the theft and missing files.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful corporate thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene at Bass Headquarters lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation. The dialogue between Myles, Sampers, and Beck feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional depth.
  • The character of Myles Bass, who is supposed to be a powerful and intimidating figure, does not come across as effectively as he could. His reaction to the news of theft and missing files feels somewhat subdued and could be more impactful.
  • The interaction between Myles and Sampers could be more dynamic and intense to heighten the stakes of the scene. Sampers' fear and anxiety could be portrayed more convincingly to add to the tension.
  • The dialogue exchange between Myles and Sampers feels somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more concise and impactful lines to drive the narrative forward.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the Bass Headquarters, adding to the overall mood of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Myles Bass's character to make him more intimidating and powerful in his reaction to the news of theft and missing files.
  • Work on tightening the dialogue between Myles, Sampers, and Beck to make it more impactful and engaging for the audience.
  • Focus on building tension and urgency in the scene by enhancing the dynamics between the characters and their reactions to the unfolding situation.
  • Introduce more visual cues and descriptions to create a more immersive setting at the Bass Headquarters, adding depth to the scene.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful, driving the narrative forward and maintaining the audience's engagement.



Scene 7 -  Giovanni's Arrival
EXT. GIO CUCINA - DAY

Giovanni Gianca leaves his condo in a hurry. Not because he
feels he’s in danger but because he’s in a good mood. There’s
a pop to his step.

Giovanni climbs into his deep burgundy colored corvette, his
one indulgence.

Giovanni drives onto the highway toward the City. He’s
drumming the steering wheel.

Giovanni pulls up in front of the restaurant.

He doesn’t notice Beck who is parked on the opposite side of
the street watching him.

Giovanni gets out of the corvette and tosses the keys in the
air as he walks up the steps to the restaurant.
14.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Giovanni Gianca leaves his condo in a good mood, drives his burgundy corvette to the restaurant, and tosses the keys in the air as he walks up the steps. Beck is parked on the opposite side of the street watching Giovanni. The scene takes place outside Gio Cucina during the day with an upbeat and positive tone. There are no conflicts or dialogue in this scene. The visual of Giovanni driving his corvette and tossing the keys in the air are significant elements before he walks up the steps to the restaurant.
Strengths
  • Effective character development for Giovanni
  • Intriguing introduction of Beck as a mysterious figure
  • Establishes a tone of suspense and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Limited depth in dialogue
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Lack of significant character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a contrast between Giovanni's carefree demeanor and the underlying tension in the story. The introduction of Beck watching Giovanni adds an element of mystery and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting characters and introducing a mysterious element is well-executed in this scene. It sets up intrigue and foreshadows potential conflicts to come.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Giovanni's character is further developed, and the introduction of Beck watching him hints at future conflicts or revelations. However, the scene primarily focuses on character development rather than advancing the main plot.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar elements of luxury and urban life but adds a twist with the potential conflict between Giovanni and Beck. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Giovanni's character is fleshed out through his actions and interactions in the scene, showcasing his carefree attitude and luxurious lifestyle. Beck's presence adds depth and mystery to the narrative, making the characters intriguing and engaging.

Character Changes: 5

While Giovanni's character is further developed in the scene, there is minimal change or growth for the characters. The scene primarily serves to establish the characters' personalities and relationships rather than driving significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Giovanni's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his carefree and indulgent lifestyle, reflecting his deeper desire for freedom and enjoyment. His good mood and pop in his step suggest a desire for happiness and contentment.

External Goal: 6

Giovanni's external goal in this scene is to arrive at the restaurant, indicating a simple task or objective that he needs to accomplish. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his day and the routine nature of his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is an underlying sense of tension and mystery in the scene, the conflict is not fully realized or developed. The conflict between Giovanni and Beck is hinted at but not fully explored, leaving room for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create tension and intrigue but not overwhelming. Beck's presence adds a layer of mystery and potential conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Giovanni's carefree lifestyle and Beck's mysterious presence hint at potential conflicts and betrayals. The introduction of Beck watching Giovanni raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing Giovanni's character and introducing Beck as a mysterious figure. It sets up potential conflicts and plot developments, laying the groundwork for future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it hints at potential conflicts and introduces a mysterious character watching Giovanni. The audience is left wondering about Beck's intentions and how Giovanni will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a subtle philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Giovanni's carefree attitude and Beck's potentially more serious or observant demeanor. This conflict challenges Giovanni's values of leisure and indulgence against potential threats or unknown dangers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and curiosity in the audience, but it lacks significant emotional depth or impact. The focus on Giovanni's carefree attitude and Beck's mysterious presence sets a tone of suspense rather than emotional engagement.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene serves to establish the characters' personalities and relationships, but it lacks significant depth or complexity. The banter between Giovanni and Beck could be more engaging to enhance the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up potential conflicts and introduces intriguing characters. The concise and descriptive language keeps the reader interested and wanting to know more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by setting a quick and engaging tone. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the reader interested and wanting to know more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre with clear scene headings and concise action lines. The dialogue is minimal but impactful, adding to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by setting the scene, introducing the characters, and hinting at potential conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, making it feel disconnected from the overall narrative.
  • There is a lack of tension or stakes in the scene, as Giovanni's actions seem inconsequential and do not drive the story forward.
  • The introduction of Beck watching Giovanni adds a sense of mystery, but it is not followed up on or resolved in the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development or insight into Giovanni's motivations and emotions.
  • The visual of Giovanni tossing the keys in the air feels cliched and does not add depth to the character or scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific goal or conflict for Giovanni in this scene to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall story.
  • Explore Giovanni's internal thoughts or emotions to provide more depth to his character and make the scene more impactful.
  • Connect Giovanni's actions in this scene to the larger plot or themes of the screenplay to ensure it contributes meaningfully to the narrative.
  • Resolve the introduction of Beck watching Giovanni by either having it lead to a confrontation or revealing Beck's intentions.
  • Revise the visual of Giovanni tossing the keys in the air to find a more unique or character-revealing action.



Scene 8 -  Tension at Gio Cucina
INT. GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The first thing you notice when you walk into Gio Cucina is
the deep burgundy carpet. The carpet no longer smells of
cigar smoke and the dim lights still give the restaurant an
aura of mystery and deal making.

The restaurant is booming with energy. Waiters and waitresses
navigate the close quarters and carry trays stacked with
dishes. Yet, the restaurant is remarkably quiet with just a
soft constant chatter. The kind that keeps secrets secret.

Sam stands at the host table beside a petite woman who is
speaking on the phone. She hangs up. DEBBIE (40s) leans in
and whispers, closely, probably closer than necessary.

DEBBIE
We need more capacity.

SAM
No shit. The old man won’t budge.
But I’m working on him.

A wily smile and a wink. She hip bumps him.

Katie approaches the host table gripping a bill. She tosses
it on the desk.

KATIE
The last table stiffed me.

Sam looks at the bill with false incredulity.

SAM
What do you expect? You were rude
to them.

KATIE
Rude? The old man patted my ass as
he went to the bathroom.

SAM
You didn’t have to slap his hand
away. He’s a customer.

She glares at Sam.

KATIE
You’re such an ass.

He mimes popping a bottle cap off a beer bottle with his
teeth.

She turns and walks into the kitchen.
15.


KATIE (CONT’D)
Ass hole.

Sam and Debbie bump hips again.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Sam and Debbie discuss the need for more capacity at Gio Cucina restaurant at night. Katie approaches with a complaint about a table that stiffed her, leading to a brief argument with Sam. The scene ends with Katie walking into the kitchen after calling Sam an 'ass hole'.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and relationships between the characters through sharp dialogue and humorous interactions, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the behind-the-scenes interactions in a restaurant setting is engaging and provides insight into the characters' personalities and dynamics.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and their relationships, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the power dynamics within the restaurant staff and the conflict between professionalism and inappropriate behavior. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions, creating a lively and engaging dynamic.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it further establishes the dynamics and personalities of the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal is to negotiate with the old man for more capacity in the restaurant. This reflects his desire for success and control over the situation.

External Goal: 7

Sam's external goal is to maintain order and efficiency in the restaurant despite the challenges he faces with the staff and customers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Sam and Katie, adding tension and humor to the scene, but it is not the central focus.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between characters and the challenges they face in maintaining order in the restaurant.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and relationships than major plot developments.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides insight into the characters and their relationships, setting the stage for future developments, but does not significantly move the main plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the hidden agendas at play.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between maintaining professionalism and dealing with inappropriate behavior from customers. This challenges Sam's values of customer service and respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension, engaging the audience in the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and witty dialogue drives the scene, revealing the characters' personalities and relationships in a humorous and confrontational manner.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, tension between characters, and the mystery surrounding the restaurant's atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the mystery of the restaurant's atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy restaurant setting, with clear character interactions and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as the dialogue and interactions between the characters feel disconnected and do not advance the plot significantly.
  • The introduction of Debbie and her conversation with Sam about needing more capacity feels forced and does not add depth to the scene or the characters.
  • The dialogue between Sam and Katie about the stiffed table and the customer's behavior comes off as cliched and does not feel authentic or engaging.
  • The interaction between Sam and Katie lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or care about their relationship.
  • The scene could benefit from more tension, conflict, and stakes to keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Introduce a clearer conflict or goal for the characters in the scene to work towards, adding depth and purpose to their interactions.
  • Explore ways to increase the tension and stakes in the scene, making it more compelling for the audience.
  • Develop the relationships between the characters further to create more emotional depth and resonance in their interactions.
  • Consider incorporating elements that advance the overall plot or character development in the scene, making it more integral to the story.



Scene 9 -  The Deal at Gio Cucina
INT. GIO CUCINA - NIGHT

Giovanni is seated behind his desk in front of two large
monitors which surveil the restaurants dining room.

Sam walks in and sits down. Giovanni looks at him. Irritated
that he neither knocked nor announced himself.

GIOVANNI
What?
SAM
We’re turning away too much
business.

GIOVANNI
You always want a little more
demand than supply. It’s called
sustainable business.

Sam shakes his head.

SAM
So, you won’t consider the deal?

GIOVANNI
I consider everything.

Sam leans in.

SAM
You could retire a very wealthy
man.

Giovanni leans back in his chair and puts his hands behind
his head.

Giovanni chuckles.

GIOVANNI
You can always retire yourself. You
drive all these fancy cars and seem
to have an endless supply of money
from God knows where.

SAM
I’m a wise investor. You should let
me manage your portfolio.
16.


Giovanni rises and switches off the monitors.

GIOVANNI
Yet you work here? Of all places.
What, are we a cover for something?

SAM
I should be insulted. But I know
you’re under stress.

GIOVANNI
How you and Alex can be related is
beyond me.

Giovanni walks over to the picture of Positano on the wall
behind his desk. He takes down the picture. It reveals a
small safe. He opens it, places the two keys into it. He
closes it, locks it, and covers it with the picture of
Positano.

Sam stares at the sweeping picture of the coast of Positano.
He looks at Giovanni.

SAM
Think about it.

Giovanni waves him away and walks out.

Sam stares at the picture of Positano. You Could retire in
Positano with all the pretty naked ladies!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Giovanni and Sam have a tense conversation about a potential business deal at Gio Cucina. Despite Sam's attempts to persuade Giovanni, he remains uninterested. The scene ends with Giovanni revealing a hidden safe behind a picture on the wall and dismissing Sam's offer, leaving a sense of mystery and intrigue.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Intriguing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with sharp dialogue and tension-filled interactions between the characters. It effectively sets up a conflict and introduces intriguing elements that drive the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a potential deal that could make Giovanni wealthy adds depth to the story and raises questions about his true motives. The scene also hints at hidden wealth and questionable business practices, adding layers to the character dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the tense interaction between Sam and Giovanni, setting up a potential conflict and introducing new elements that will likely impact the story moving forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of power and control, with unique character dynamics and a sense of intrigue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Sam and Giovanni are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting motivations. Their interactions reveal underlying tension and resentment, adding depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Both Sam and Giovanni undergo subtle changes in their dynamic during the scene, with their motivations and emotions shifting as the conflict unfolds. The potential deal introduces new elements that could impact their characters moving forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Giovanni's internal goal is to maintain control and power over his business and personal life. He is resistant to change and values his independence and self-sufficiency.

External Goal: 7

Giovanni's external goal is to protect his business and personal assets from potential threats or interference. He is cautious and skeptical of others' intentions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Sam and Giovanni is palpable, with underlying tension and conflicting motivations driving the scene forward. The potential deal adds a layer of suspense and intrigue to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Giovanni and Sam creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as the potential deal could make Giovanni wealthy and impact the future of the characters. The hidden wealth and questionable business practices add a layer of risk and intrigue to the conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a potential conflict and raising questions about the characters' motivations and hidden wealth. It sets up future developments and adds depth to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the hidden agendas at play.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Giovanni's desire for independence and self-reliance versus Sam's offer of financial security and partnership. It challenges Giovanni's values of control and self-sufficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, resentment, and intrigue, engaging the audience emotionally and setting up potential conflicts and character arcs. The sharp dialogue and confrontational tone add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and sarcastic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It drives the scene forward and adds layers to the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the mystery surrounding their motives, and the subtle hints at larger conflicts and secrets.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and revelation of character motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character names.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience unsure of the significance of the interaction between Giovanni and Sam.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with Giovanni and Sam's conversation coming across as stilted and lacking depth.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The transition from discussing a potential deal to Giovanni revealing a hidden safe behind a picture feels abrupt and disconnected.
  • The characterization of Giovanni and Sam is inconsistent and unclear, making it difficult for the audience to understand their motivations and dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective of the scene and ensure that the dialogue serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Introduce more conflict or tension between Giovanni and Sam to make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between discussing the deal and revealing the hidden safe.
  • Work on developing the characters of Giovanni and Sam to make their interactions more authentic and compelling for the audience.
  • Focus on improving the pacing and flow of the scene to maintain the audience's interest and keep them invested in the story.



Scene 10 -  The Pursuit
EXT. JERRY’S MERCEDES - NIGHT

Jerry drives his AUDI in the city.

A Black SUV follow close behind him.


EXT. GIO CUCINA - NIGHT

Jerry pulls his AUDI up to the VALET and hands him the keys
and a five dollar bill.

As he walks into the restaurant, he sees the black SUV pull
up to the curb.

He whispers to himself.

JERRY
Fools.

The SUV waits until Jerry is inside and then turns the corner
and parks.
17.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Jerry drives to a restaurant and notices a black SUV following him. He whispers to himself as he hands his keys to the valet. The tension builds as the SUV parks after Jerry enters the restaurant, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Effective use of mystery and danger
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of being followed and discovering a hidden safe adds depth to the storyline and creates intrigue for the audience.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Jerry is being followed and discovers the hidden safe, setting up potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a protagonist being followed by a mysterious vehicle, but adds originality through the nuanced portrayal of internal and external goals, philosophical conflict, and character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Jerry's actions and reactions in the scene show his resourcefulness and determination, while the presence of the mysterious black SUV adds an element of danger.

Character Changes: 5

While Jerry's actions show his resourcefulness and determination, there is not a significant character change in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and not show any signs of fear or vulnerability in front of the mysterious SUV following him. This reflects his deeper need for control and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7.5

Jerry's external goal in this scene is to appear nonchalant and unaffected by the presence of the black SUV, while also keeping an eye on their movements to ensure his safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The presence of the black SUV following Jerry and the discovery of the hidden safe create a high level of conflict and tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jerry must navigate the threat of the black SUV while maintaining his facade of control and composure.

High Stakes: 7

The presence of the black SUV and the discovery of the hidden safe raise the stakes for Jerry and hint at potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of mystery and potential danger, setting up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the true intentions of the characters and the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between appearances and reality. Jerry must maintain a facade of calmness and confidence while dealing with a potentially dangerous situation, which challenges his beliefs about control and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of unease and suspense, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in other scenes.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and subtle hints at larger conflicts and mysteries.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains audience interest through a balance of action, dialogue, and internal monologue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear establishment of setting, character actions, and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and substance, as it primarily focuses on Jerry driving and arriving at the restaurant without much development or progression.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense as the black SUV follows Jerry, creating a sense of danger and intrigue.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks impact, with Jerry's whispered comment feeling cliched and not adding much to the scene.
  • The visual elements are not utilized effectively to enhance the atmosphere or mood of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development or interaction to engage the audience and move the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the scene by incorporating elements of suspense, tension, or conflict to keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about Jerry's character, motivations, or the situation he is in.
  • Utilize visual cues such as lighting, camera angles, or sound effects to create a more immersive and dynamic scene.
  • Explore opportunities for character interactions or plot developments that can drive the story forward and add depth to the scene.
  • Consider revising the scene to make it more impactful and integral to the overall narrative of the screenplay.



Scene 11 -  Mysterious Encounter at Gio Cucina Restaurant
INT. GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Jerry enters the restaurant and looks around.

He is immediately approached by Alex.

ALEX
Mr. Kowalski. Nice to see you.

JERRY
Good to be seen, Alex.

Alex grabs a menu and motions to the dining room area.

Jerry shuffles behind Alex and sits down at a four person
table in the corner. His back is to the wall and he can see
the entire restaurant from his seat. His hands are folded in
front of him.

There is a menu on the table that will go untouched.

ALEX
I have a nice Chianti that we just
opened.

JERRY
Perfect.

ALEX
How are you tonight, Mr. Kowalski?

Jerry shrugs. Jerry hands Alex the menu without looking at
it.

JERRY

I want your Porterhouse, seared on
the outside, red in the middle, a
loaded baked potato and a Caesar
salad to start. I’ll have a big
piece of Tira Misu with whipped
cream.

ALEX
That’s a good choice. Celebrating
something special?

JERRY
Life. Send Gio out when he has a
chance.

Alex heads to the kitchen to place the order. Jerry watches
him as he disappears behind the swinging door.
18.


Gio emerges with a questioning expression.

JERRY (CONT’D)
I needed that porterhouse.

He smiles.

JERRY (CONT’D)
You put the keys away, safely? It
appears I am being followed. I may
have inadvertently put you in
danger coming here.

GIOVANNI
Danger? Pssst.
Giovanni motions for Alex.

Alex approaches with a bottle of Chianti. Giovanni bows
slightly and walks away.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Fear not, my friend.

Alex pours him a glass of Chianti.

JERRY
You like it here, don’t you.

ALEX
I’ve worked here since I was 15.
Started with shoveling the
driveway.


JERRY
It’s quite a landmark.

ALEX
It is.
JERRY
You worried?

ALEX
Sir?

JERRY
About the plans to demolish this
place and build a hospital, hotel
and office complex?

Alex pauses and looks uncomfortable.
19.


ALEX
Yes, sir.

Jerry sighs.

JERRY
You think it’s not right, what our
organization is doing?

ALEX
I don’t have a say, really.

Jerry smiles.

JERRY
What would you do, if you were
Giovanni?

ALEX
This is all above my pay grade,
sir.

JERRY
Surely, you have an opinion about
what he should do.

Alex hesitates and looks uncomfortable.

JERRY (CONT’D)
What would you do?

ALEX
I don’t really know.
.

JERRY
You were in the service, weren’t
you?

ALEX
Yes.
JERRY
Anyone ever try to kill you?

Alex doesn’t answer.

JERRY (CONT’D)
I suspect you’ve killed your share.

Alex’s eyes shift to a table across from Jerry.

Jerry looks at the couple.
20.


JERRY (CONT’D)
Do you mind? I’m having a
conversation here.

The man and woman look away and they lean over their table.

JERRY (CONT’D)
If someone was trying to kill your
commanding officer, what would you
do?

Alex looks away, then lowers his voice.

Into Jerry’s ear, softly...

ALEX
I was a cook in the army. Never
touched my rifle. But, I’d send a
spy across enemy lines and poison
their food supply. Fastest way to
disarm the enemy.

Alex flashes a smile.

JERRY
Ah. A cook.

ALEX
I’ll get that steak for you, now.

Jerry picks up his glass sips his wine, looks into the glass
then smiles.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jerry enters Gio Cucina Restaurant and questions Alex about the potential demolition of the restaurant. Alex reveals his military background as a cook and serves Jerry wine. Giovanni briefly reassures Jerry, and a couple at another table briefly interrupts their conversation. The scene ends with Jerry smiling after Alex promises to get his steak.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic or vague at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up potential conflicts while delving into the characters' moral dilemmas and personal histories.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring moral dilemmas, loyalty, and personal responsibility in the midst of potential danger is engaging and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Jerry and Alex discuss the restaurant's potential demolition and their organization's actions, hinting at larger conflicts and stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the traditional restaurant setting, infusing it with suspense and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jerry and Alex are well-developed, with complex motivations and conflicting loyalties, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jerry and Alex undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and understanding of the situation, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to assess Alex's loyalty and moral compass. He is trying to gauge Alex's values and beliefs, reflecting Jerry's need for trust and understanding in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

Jerry's external goal is to enjoy a meal at the restaurant and have a conversation with Alex. However, his external goal is overshadowed by the deeper philosophical conflict that emerges during their interaction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, as characters grapple with moral dilemmas, potential danger, and conflicting loyalties.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and hidden agendas creating a sense of unease and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering about the characters' true motivations and loyalties.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters face potential danger, moral dilemmas, and conflicting loyalties.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the conversation, the shifting power dynamics between the characters, and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral dilemma of loyalty and duty. Jerry questions Alex about his stance on the organization's plans to demolish the restaurant, highlighting the clash between personal values and professional obligations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and contemplation, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character dynamics, tensions, and moral dilemmas effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the moral dilemma presented, and the subtle hints at larger conflicts. The dialogue is sharp and thought-provoking, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and moments of reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character interactions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward. The dialogue and actions are concise and purposeful, maintaining the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the conversation between Jerry and Alex feeling disjointed and lacking focus.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, particularly in the exchange about demolishing the restaurant and Alex's military background.
  • There is a lack of subtlety in the way the conversation about potential danger and espionage is handled, making it feel contrived.
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, with the characters coming across as one-dimensional and the interactions feeling superficial.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with little tension or conflict to drive the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves a specific narrative or character development goal.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and organic, focusing on creating authentic exchanges that reveal character motivations and conflicts.
  • Add layers of complexity to the conversation between Jerry and Alex, exploring their relationship dynamics and personal stakes in a more nuanced way.
  • Introduce more tension and conflict into the scene to create a sense of urgency and drive the narrative forward.
  • Consider revising the pacing of the scene to maintain reader engagement and build towards a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 12 -  A Moment of Reflection
EXT. GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Alex is taking a quick break and leans in the doorway. He is
distracted by Katie’s tears from the corner booth.

Giovanni comforts her with a pat of the hand. She is tearful
and nodding. She rises.
KATIE
Thanks, Gio.

GIOVANNI
I’ll deal with it.

She walks toward Alex who looks on sympathetically.

KATIE
How are you and Sam brothers?
21.


ALEX
You just have to understand him.

Alex looks up and Giovanni motions for him to approach.

Alex takes his drink and heads over.

GIOVANNI
Sit. Sam is pissing off the staff
one by one.

Giovanni sighs.

ALEX
Katie is a good waitress. I’d hate
for us to lose her.

GIOVANNI
So, the dish washer turned waiter
turned host is now a manager.

Giovanni smiles proudly.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
We know what we are, but not what
we may be.

ALEX
Hmm?

GIOVANNI
An old saying of my Papa’s. Made me
stronger.

Giovanni appraises him with a sharp eye.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
I won’t sell, you know that. But
they can make life difficult for
us.
ALEX
Is there more you can tell me?

GIOVANNI
Chi Trova un Amico, Trova un Tesoro
– He Who Finds a Friend, Finds a
Treasure. When I left Positano I
vowed to create something worth
protecting. My friends are worth
protecting.
22.


ALEX
But you said they offered you life
changing money.

GIOVANNI
What would I do? Retirement is a
fast track to a grave. Besides all
my friends are here and they depend
on me.

Alex ponders this and sips his wine.

ALEX
I’d take the money and run.

GIOVANNI
You’re young. Your decisions define
you. If I take the money and
retire, what happens to what I
built? The people? The friends.
Poof. Gone.

Giovanni slides out of the booth.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Who knows, but I don’t intend on
losing.

He smiles, knowingly.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Talk to Sam.

ALEX
I will.

GIOVANNI
Man makes poor decisions. Learn
from it.

ALEX
I’ve had an education.

Giovanni understands and winks.


EXT GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A few drunk girls dressed in short shorts and halter tops
walk by laughing and hanging off one another.

The black SUV with two men seated in the front is parked
across from Gio Cucina.
23.


Beck’s car is still parked in the same spot.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Alex takes a break outside Gio Cucina Restaurant and observes Katie crying in a booth. Giovanni comforts her and they have a conversation about loyalty, friendship, and the challenges they face. The emotional tone is reflective as Giovanni emphasizes the importance of relationships and advises Alex to talk to Sam to learn from mistakes and make wise decisions.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Exploration of themes of friendship and loyalty
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the internal struggle of Giovanni and Alex, setting up a conflict that will likely have significant consequences. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of friendship, loyalty, and the consequences of decisions is well-developed and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Giovanni reveals his stance on the potential deal, setting up a conflict that will likely escalate in future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on familiar themes of loyalty, friendship, and moral integrity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Giovanni and Alex are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity, adding layers to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the internal conflict introduced sets the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal is to understand and navigate the complex relationships and dynamics within the restaurant. He wants to maintain harmony and support his friends while also considering his own values and beliefs.

External Goal: 7

Alex's external goal is to address the conflict arising from Sam's behavior and potential threats to the restaurant's stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between personal gain and loyalty is subtly introduced, setting the stage for future confrontations and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, goals, and beliefs creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of loyalty, friendship, and the potential consequences of the characters' decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key character motivations and setting up future conflicts and decisions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between characters, unexpected revelations, and moral dilemmas that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, integrity, and the value of friendship versus financial gain. Giovanni's commitment to his friends and the restaurant's legacy contrasts with Alex's more pragmatic approach.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and reflection, drawing the audience into the internal struggles of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character traits and motivations. It effectively conveys the internal conflict of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The audience is drawn into the complex relationships and conflicts, eager to see how they unfold.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and advancing the plot. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, leading to a lack of tension or conflict that drives the narrative forward.
  • The dialogue feels forced and expository, with characters delivering long speeches that don't feel natural or engaging.
  • The emotional beats of the scene, such as Katie's tears and Giovanni's comforting gesture, are not fully explored or developed, leaving the audience disconnected from the characters.
  • The transition from Giovanni comforting Katie to a conversation with Alex feels abrupt and disjointed, making it hard to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
  • The interaction between Giovanni and Alex feels one-dimensional and lacks depth, with Giovanni delivering cliched lines about friendship and loyalty.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of closure, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying payoff.
Suggestions
  • Focus on creating a clear conflict or tension that drives the scene forward and engages the audience.
  • Simplify the dialogue and make it more natural and concise, focusing on character interactions that reveal their motivations and emotions.
  • Develop the emotional beats of the scene, such as Katie's tears and Giovanni's comforting gesture, to create a more compelling and relatable moment for the audience.
  • Improve the transitions between different character interactions to create a smoother flow and better connect the different elements of the scene.
  • Add visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting, making the scene more vivid and engaging.
  • Deepen the relationship between Giovanni and Alex by adding layers to their conversation and exploring their conflicting perspectives in a more nuanced way.
  • Provide a clear resolution or sense of closure at the end of the scene to give the audience a satisfying payoff and a reason to continue following the story.



Scene 13 -  The River's Secret
INT. BLACK SUV - NIGHT

LOU (50s) is in the driver’s seat beside MO (30s) who is
chewing a wad of gum and sipping a coke.

Mo has a Browning Buck Mark 22 with silencer in his lap.

LOU
You should put that thing away. You
always do this. You sit there like
your holding a baby.

Mo shrugs.

MO
It is my baby.

Lou gives Mo a look, shakes his head.


LOU
He may be armed. Mr. Bass wants
this done tonight. His words.

MO
Cleanly. He wants it done, cleanly.

LOU
We don’t have to kill him. Just get
what we came for.

Lou’s phone rings. “Maria” is calling. He glances at Mo.

LOU (CONT’D)
I gotta take it. She’s due any day.

Lou shrugs and lifts his hand and signals okay.
LOU (CONT’D)
Hi sweetheart. Uh huh, I’ll be
there tomorrow. Working. Yeah. I’m
with Mo. I know. I know. I’ll
retire some day. I’ll see you
tomorrow unless, you know, the baby
comes.

Lou hangs up.

MO
You ever find the kid who knocked
her up?
24.


Lou shakes his head.

LOU
She knows I’d take him apart. Won’t
say a word. She’s as tight lipped
as a Corleone.

Mo looks out the windshield and squints. Jerry walks out of
the restaurant and hands the valet his ticket.

Mo taps Lou and points.

LOU (CONT’D)
Finally.

They follow Jerry as he pulls off.
Jerry drives along Kelly Drive and pulls into a small parking
lot.

There are a lot of crew boats stored to the right. The
Schuylkill River glistens in the background.

There is a light fog over the river and it shines in the
moonlight.

Mo and Lou pull up behind him and get out. They approach
Jerry’s car cautiously.

Jerry opens the door and gets out.

JERRY
Well, if it isn’t Abbott and
Costello.

LOU
Very funny, Jerry.

JERRY
Are you here to do Myles’ dirty
work?
MO
It doesn’t have to get dirty.

Jerry holds his hands in front of him, palms down and fists
clenched as if being arrested.

LOU
What have you done?

JERRY
You have no idea.
25.


Jerry starts to walk toward the river. Mo and Lou take out
their guns.

Jerry walks to the edge of the river and turns to face Mo and
Lou.

LOU
Look, Jerry, we don’t have to do
this. Just give us what you took
from Mr. Bass.

MO
What you stole...

JERRY
Greed blurs the lines of loyalty,
doesn’t it boys?

Jerry takes his hands out of his pockets. In his right hand,
he is holding a small pistol.

MO
We just want to talk. Don’t be
stupid.

MO (CONT’D)
Just tell us where the drives are.

Jerry laughs.

Lou raises his gun and points it at Jerry.

Jerry holds the gun to his temple.

MO (CONT’D)
Now, take it easy, Jerry.

Jerry glances to his left at the flowing river.

JERRY
It’s all clear now. The fog is
rising.

He looks back at Mo. He shoots himself in the head and his
limp body falls to the ground.

Lou rushes to his side and pats him down.

LOU
Nothing on him.

LOU (CONT’D)
Let’s get out of here. C’mon.
26.


Mo rolls Jerry off the edge into the river.

Lou watches Jerry float face down and walks away. He holsters
his gun and gets into the car.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Lou and Mo confront Jerry in a parking lot by the river about a stolen item, but the situation escalates when Jerry chooses to take his own life rather than give them the information they seek. The tense and suspenseful scene ends with Lou disposing of Jerry's body in the river.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Unexpected twist
  • Strong thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and delivers a shocking twist that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of loyalty, greed, and betrayal is effectively portrayed through the characters' actions and dialogue, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear escalation of conflict and a dramatic resolution that propels the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar crime genre setting but adds a twist with the unexpected suicide of Jerry. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and intriguing, each with their own motivations and secrets that drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the events and revelations set the stage for potential transformations in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal is to prove his loyalty and competence to Mr. Bass. He wants to show that he can handle the job cleanly and efficiently.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to retrieve the stolen drives from Jerry without resorting to violence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and a sense of impending danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jerry's actions creating a difficult situation for the protagonists to navigate.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives and loyalties on the line, leading to a dramatic and impactful resolution.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of Jerry's sudden suicide, which adds a shocking and unexpected element to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and greed. Jerry's actions challenge the characters' loyalty to Mr. Bass and raise questions about their moral values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to shock and sadness, leaving a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' true intentions and adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and maintaining tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller genre, building tension and conflict leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interactions between Lou, Mo, and Jerry in the black SUV.
  • The dialogue between the characters reveals their motivations and the stakes involved in the situation, adding depth to the scene.
  • The setting of the small parking lot by the river with the crew boats and the Schuylkill River in the background creates a visually engaging backdrop for the scene.
  • The use of visual elements like the light fog over the river and the moonlight adds to the atmospheric quality of the scene.
  • The escalation of the conflict and the eventual tragic outcome with Jerry committing suicide adds a dramatic twist to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict or moral dilemmas for the characters to make the scene more emotionally resonant.
  • Explore the dynamics between Lou, Mo, and Jerry further to deepen the character relationships and motivations.
  • Work on tightening the dialogue to make it more impactful and concise, focusing on each character's unique voice.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the setting and immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Think about adding a subtle foreshadowing or hint at the outcome of the scene earlier on to build anticipation and suspense.



Scene 14 -  Late Night Worries
INT. MO’S CAR - NIGHT

Mo and Lou sit in silence for a moment. Finally, Lou turns
to Mo.

LOU
Mr. Bass ain’t gonna be happy.

MO
You see how his head exploded? I
won’t eat for weeks.

Lou shakes his head and starts the car.

LOU
I’m tired.

MO
So, go home and sleep.

LOU
I’m too old for this shit. I got
grandkids to think about. No
savings, no pension.

Lou glances at Mo for a beat then looks away. He knows it’s
true and it sucks.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Mo and Lou sit in silence in Mo's car at night. Lou expresses concern about Mr. Bass not being happy and his own financial worries. Lou starts the car and mentions he's tired. The conflict arises from Lou's worries about Mr. Bass and his financial situation, adding tension to the scene. Mo responds sarcastically to Lou's concerns, creating a tense atmosphere. The scene ends with Lou looking away after acknowledging the truth of Mo's statement about his financial situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' actions and sets a somber tone for the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the consequences of criminal activities and the toll it takes on the characters is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters grapple with the aftermath of their actions, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the crime genre by blending violence with humor and exploring the characters' struggles with financial insecurity and moral ambiguity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity as they confront the repercussions of their choices, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show signs of introspection and growth as they come to terms with the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the violent and dangerous world he is a part of while maintaining his sense of humor and detachment.

External Goal: 7

Mo's external goal is to navigate the immediate aftermath of a violent event and avoid getting caught or implicated in any way.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is an underlying tension, the conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The characters face personal and professional stakes as they navigate the aftermath of their decisions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets the stage for future developments and deepens the characters' arcs, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting motivations and the sense of danger that hangs over their conversation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' acceptance of the harsh realities of their world and their desire for a better life for themselves and their families.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a poignant moment in the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the dark humor, and the sense of danger that permeates the dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with tension building through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue between Mo and Lou feels forced and lacks depth, failing to engage the audience or add any significant insight into their characters.
  • The conversation about Mr. Bass and their personal concerns comes across as cliched and unoriginal, adding little to the overall narrative.
  • The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the script, as it doesn't tie into any ongoing conflicts or storylines.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the dynamics between Mo and Lou further, as well as their relationship with Mr. Bass.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to make it more relevant to the main plot or character development.
  • Add tension or conflict between Mo and Lou to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • Explore deeper themes or emotions related to their line of work and the consequences they face.
  • Integrate elements from previous scenes to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Provide more context or background information to give the scene more depth and meaning.



Scene 15 -  Getting into the Club
EXT. SMOKIES NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Alex looks at the line to get into Smokies. He sighs and gets
behind the last person. He sees Katie and her friends walking
toward the entrance like they own the place. She sees Alex
and he waves and walks toward them.

The bouncer lets the girls in. But when Alex is about to walk
in, he puts up the rope, blocking his path.

Katie sees this and walks up to the bouncer.

KATIE
Bobby, he’s with us.

BOBBY
Sorry, no go. Boss said no more
guys.
27.


KATIE
Please, Bobby. He’s with me. You
get to decide.

She puts her arm around him.

KATIE (CONT’D)
Please Bobby, for me? I’ll owe you
a dance.

She flashes him a smile.

BOBBY
Lapdance?

KATIE
Only if you’re a good boy.

He lowers the rope and Alex walks past.

BOBBY
Go ahead sweetheart.

Alex isn’t sure who he’s speaking to, and awkwardly says
thanks.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Alex tries to enter the Smokies night club but is initially stopped by the bouncer. Katie steps in and convinces the bouncer to let Alex in by offering him a dance. The conflict is resolved and Alex awkwardly thanks the bouncer before entering the club.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Setting up potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up tension and potential romantic interest between Alex and Katie, adding depth to their characters and the overall storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing a pivotal moment at a club entrance where characters interact in a tense and flirtatious manner is engaging and adds intrigue to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced as Alex and Katie's relationship is further developed through their interaction at the club entrance, hinting at potential conflicts and romantic entanglements.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar nightclub setting but adds a fresh twist with the power play between Katie, Alex, and the bouncer. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Alex and Katie are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their dynamic and hinting at deeper layers to be explored in the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in Alex and Katie's relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and included in Katie's social circle. This reflects his deeper need for validation, belonging, and connection.

External Goal: 7

Alex's external goal is to gain entry into the nightclub. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in being blocked by the bouncer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the bouncer's refusal to let Alex in and the tension between characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Alex facing a clear obstacle in the form of the bouncer's refusal to let him in. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the potential for romantic entanglements and conflicts to arise between Alex and Katie.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Alex and Katie, hinting at future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Alex's entry into the nightclub is uncertain until the last moment, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between social status and personal connections. It challenges Alex's beliefs about worthiness and the importance of social validation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including tension, flirtation, and awkwardness, engaging the audience and drawing them into the characters' dynamics.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Alex, Katie, and the bouncer effectively conveys tension, flirtation, and awkwardness, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the tension of the nightclub setting, and the humor infused in the dialogue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, effective dialogue exchanges, and a satisfying resolution. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a nightclub confrontation, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building tension and engagement.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and fails to fully explore the dynamics between Alex, Katie, and the bouncer Bobby.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in the interaction between Katie and Bobby.
  • The scene relies heavily on cliches and stereotypes, such as the bouncer letting in women but not men, and the exchange of a dance for entry.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve into the characters' emotions and motivations, making the scene feel superficial.
  • The interaction between Alex and Bobby lacks nuance and complexity, resulting in a flat and unengaging moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the characters' interactions by exploring their motivations and emotions.
  • Avoid relying on cliches and stereotypes to drive the scene, instead focus on creating authentic and meaningful dialogue.
  • Enhance the tension and conflict in the scene by introducing more layers to the characters' relationships.
  • Add subtext to the dialogue to create a more engaging and dynamic exchange between the characters.
  • Consider revising the scene to make it more impactful and memorable for the audience.



Scene 16 -  Nightlife Drama
INT. SMOKIES - NIGHT

Lights flash over the dance floor as they make their way
through crowd. Bodies are bouncing to the heavy beats as
drinks flow freely.

Katie takes Alex’s hand and they hit the dance floor.

Katie and Alex are dancing to something fast. Alex is awkward
and Katie is very fluid and confident.

Drinks are poured, some light petting and kissing. The night
is going well for them and it’s as if they were a couple for
a long time.

EXT GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Giovanni stands over the hot grill making himself an omelet.

Debbie steps through the swinging doors.

DEBBIE
You want me to make you something,
Giovanni?
28.


GIOVANNI
No sweetheart. Go home. Long day.

DEBBIE
Any word on Sam?

GIOVANNI
Nothing. He’s just disappeared into
thin air.

DEBBIE
Sam was into things. Kept them
hidden. I know he had some gambling
debts.

Giovanni places the eggs onto a plate with a side of bacon
and toast.

GIOVANNI
He is like a son to me. You’re all
like my children.

DEBBIE
Awww.

GIOVANNI
That’s why I don’t sell to those
bastards. Where would I go. And
your daughter. She has a condition.
You need this job.

DEBBIE
I’d be okay.

GIOVANNI
How is she, by the way?

DEBBIE
She’s a fighter. But, you should go
to Florida.

GIOVANNI
And do what? Play golf? Play bingo?

DEBBIE
It doesn’t sound that bad.

GIOVANNI
Besides, Bass is a crook. A
dishonest man. I have proof.

This gets her attention.
29.


DEBBIE
Proof?

Giovanni smiles and puts an arm around Debbie.

GIOVANNI
Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ve got
it under control.

Debbie watches as Giovanni sits and eats his breakfast. She
looks at the time.

DEBBIE
I need to pick up medicine for my
daughter. I’ll see you tomorrow.

As she departs, she glances back once more at Giovanni.


INT GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Giovanni puts on his coat. He feels for his keys and walks
down the steps to the kitchen toward the exit.

Giovanni exits.

Sam walks into the kitchen as Giovanni leaves. He takes the
steps up to Giovanni’s office and closes the door behind him.
He open’s Giovanni’s safe and takes the envelope out. He
opens it. It contains two keys. There is writing on the
envelope and he places it in his pocket. There is also a gun
in the safe and he takes that.

As he exits the office, Debbie is standing there with her
arms crossed.

DEBBIE
What’s up, Sailor?

He looks at her.

SAM
Nothing.

She moves in for a close hug. He greets her stiffly.

SAM (CONT’D)
Not now, sweetheart.


EXT SANSOM STREET - NIGHT

Debbie stands on the corner and watches as a white Lincoln
Navigator pull up.
30.


The rear window goes down. Myles Bass nods at her and motions
for her to come to him.

MYLES
Don’t look so upset. You’re doing
the right thing for the
neighborhood and yourself.

DEBBIE
Don’t try to make me feel better,
Mr. Bass. I have a child who needs
a kidney transplant. This is purely
business.

Myles holds out an envelope for her.

Debbie reaches for it.

Myles pulls it away.

MYLES
I need something real. Something I
can work with.

DEBBIE
Sam took something from Giovanni’s
office. I don’t know what it was.

Myles sighs, heavily.

He hands her the envelope and she looks inside it.

DEBBIE (CONT’D)
This is not the amount we
discussed. This is nothing.

MYLES
Really? You’ve given me nothing.

He motions for the driver to go. His window goes up, leaving
Debbie cursing on the sidewalk.
Myles makes a call.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Katie and Alex dance confidently at a club while Giovanni and Debbie have a tense conversation at a restaurant. Sam steals something from Giovanni's office and interacts with Debbie, leading to further conflicts. Debbie then meets with Myles Bass on the street for a suspenseful negotiation.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic for easy understanding

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a complex web of relationships and conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of undercover dealings, hidden motives, and high stakes is well-executed, creating a compelling narrative thread that drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of hidden secrets, mysterious envelopes, and conflicting loyalties, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the relationship dynamics between Giovanni, Debbie, and Sam, as well as the moral dilemmas they face. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and multi-dimensional, with hidden depths and conflicting motivations that drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo subtle changes in their demeanor and motivations, hinting at deeper character arcs and potential betrayals.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and protect his loved ones. Giovanni is shown as a father figure who cares deeply for those around him and is willing to take risks to ensure their safety.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the disappearance of Sam and navigate the dangerous situation involving Myles Bass. Giovanni is trying to protect his business and loved ones from potential threats.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is palpable, with characters at odds with each other, hidden agendas at play, and high stakes driving the tension to a boiling point.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters risking everything for power, revenge, and survival, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revealing hidden secrets, and setting up future confrontations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, trust, and morality. Giovanni is faced with the dilemma of whether to trust Bass and compromise his values for the sake of his business and family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high, with characters grappling with personal struggles, conflicting loyalties, and the weight of their decisions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, cryptic, and laden with subtext, adding depth to the interactions and revealing the characters' true intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful plot developments, intimate character interactions, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions that advance the plot and reveal key information. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The transition from the club scene to Giovanni and Debbie's conversation at the restaurant feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between the two settings, making it confusing for the audience to follow the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue between Giovanni and Debbie feels forced and expository, lacking naturalness and depth. The conversation about Sam's disappearance and Giovanni's suspicions about Myles Bass comes across as too on-the-nose and heavy-handed.
  • The actions of Sam in stealing from Giovanni's safe and taking a gun without any clear motivation or context feel out of character and inconsistent with his previous behavior. This sudden shift in his actions needs to be better justified and explained within the scene.
  • The interaction between Debbie and Myles Bass lacks subtlety and nuance, with their dialogue coming off as overly dramatic and cliched. The dynamic between the characters could benefit from more complexity and depth to make the scene more engaging and believable.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with too much focus on exposition and dialogue that slows down the momentum of the story. There is a need for more dynamic action and tension to keep the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to create a smoother transition between the club setting and the restaurant scene, perhaps by incorporating a visual or auditory cue to signal the change in location.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Giovanni and Debbie to make it more natural and nuanced, focusing on subtext and character motivations to add depth to their interactions.
  • Provide clearer context and motivation for Sam's actions in stealing from Giovanni's safe and taking the gun, ensuring that his behavior is consistent with his character development and the overall narrative arc.
  • Explore ways to add complexity and subtlety to the interaction between Debbie and Myles Bass, avoiding cliches and melodrama to create a more authentic and compelling dynamic between the characters.
  • Enhance the pacing of the scene by balancing exposition with action and tension, trimming unnecessary dialogue and focusing on driving the plot forward to maintain the audience's interest and investment in the story.



Scene 17 -  Mysterious Instructions
INT. BECK’S CAR - NIGHT

Beck answers the phone.

MYLES (V.O.)
Sam has the keys. Follow Sam.
31.


EXT. GIO CUCINA - NIGHT

Sam locks the door to the restaurant. He looks around and
then heads to his car.

He gets into his car and guns the engine. He pulls off.

The black SUV follows him.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Beck receives a phone call instructing him to follow Sam, who has the keys. Sam locks up the restaurant and drives off, unaware of being followed by a black SUV. The scene is filled with suspense and mystery as the outcome remains unknown.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Setting up high-stakes
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a high-stakes situation with the chase and mysterious phone call.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chase scene with a sense of danger and mystery is well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the chase and the revelation of Sam being followed, adding layers of suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of following someone in a suspenseful setting but adds a twist with the mysterious instructions and conflicting motivations of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters play a crucial role in driving the tension and suspense in the scene, especially Sam and Myles.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the sense of danger and mystery may impact the characters' development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Beck's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind Sam's actions and the mysterious instructions he received. This reflects Beck's need for control and understanding in a situation that seems out of his hands.

External Goal: 7

Beck's external goal is to follow Sam and find out where he is going and what he is up to. This reflects the immediate challenge of tracking someone without being detected.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high with Sam being followed and the sense of danger escalating throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Beck facing challenges in following Sam without being detected and uncovering the truth behind his actions. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the characters' motivations and the potential consequences of their actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with Sam being followed and the sense of danger escalating, hinting at significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of danger and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the mysterious instructions they receive, creating uncertainty and tension about the outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' trust in each other and their suspicions. Beck must decide whether to trust Sam's actions or question his motives, challenging his beliefs about loyalty and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and unease, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and danger of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and intriguing character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that maintains tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear action beats and dialogue sequences that build tension and advance the plot effectively.


Critique
  • The transition from Myles making a call in the previous scene to Beck answering the phone in this scene is abrupt and lacks context, leaving the audience confused.
  • The dialogue 'Sam has the keys. Follow Sam.' is vague and lacks specificity, making it difficult for the audience to understand the significance of Sam having the keys.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense, which is crucial for a scene involving a car chase. There is a missed opportunity to build up the anticipation and excitement of the chase.
  • The actions of Sam locking the door, looking around, and getting into his car feel mundane and do not contribute to the overall tension of the scene.
  • The black SUV following Sam is a cliche trope in thrillers and lacks originality, diminishing the impact of the chase sequence.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief exchange between Beck and Myles to provide context for the phone call and establish the urgency of the situation.
  • Revise the dialogue to provide more specific information about the keys and why it is crucial for Beck to follow Sam.
  • Enhance the pacing of the scene by adding suspenseful elements such as close-up shots, intense music, or quick cuts between the black SUV and Sam's car.
  • Reconsider Sam's actions to make them more purposeful and reflective of the high-stakes situation, perhaps adding a sense of urgency or desperation.
  • Explore alternative ways to create tension in the car chase sequence, such as introducing unexpected obstacles or twists to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 18 -  Escape Maneuver
INT. SAM’S PORSCHE - NIGHT

Sam drives calmly, but is aware he is being followed.

He drives up to a red light and guns the engine. He cuts the
wheel hard to the left and does a U-Turn, leaving the black
SUV turning, but lacking the turning radius. Mo backs up and
then goes forward which gives Sam enough time to disappear
around a corner.

He picks up the phone and dials Alex’s number.

SAM
Yeah, where you at? I need a favor.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sam, driving his Porsche at night, realizes he is being followed by a black SUV. He quickly outmaneuvers them, performs a U-turn, and calls Alex for help. The tense and suspenseful scene ends with Sam successfully evading his pursuers and seeking assistance from Alex.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Introducing new conflicts
  • Advancing the plot
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Emotional depth could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the chase sequence and the mysterious phone call, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chase scene with a character being followed adds excitement and intrigue to the storyline, setting up potential conflicts and character developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Sam's attempt to evade being followed introduces new elements of mystery and danger, pushing the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic high-speed chase trope, with authentic character actions and dialogue that enhance the authenticity of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Sam's quick thinking and resourcefulness are highlighted in this scene, showcasing his ability to handle high-pressure situations. The introduction of Alex's mysterious favor adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 6

Sam's resourcefulness and quick thinking are further highlighted in this scene, showcasing his ability to adapt to challenging situations.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal is to escape from the black SUV and seek help from Alex, reflecting his fear of being caught and his desire for safety.

External Goal: 9

Sam's external goal is to evade the black SUV and reach out to Alex for assistance, reflecting the immediate challenge he is facing in the high-speed chase.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Sam trying to outsmart his pursuers and Alex being pulled into a mysterious favor, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the black SUV providing a formidable challenge for Sam to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the chase sequence and the mysterious favor add intensity and danger to the scene, raising the tension and keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, mysteries, and character dynamics that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the high-speed chase, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between Sam's desire for freedom and safety versus the pursuit of the black SUV, challenging his beliefs about trust and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and urgency, but could benefit from deeper emotional connections to the characters to enhance the audience's investment in their fates.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is concise and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and building tension, but could benefit from more depth and complexity to enhance character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful tone.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Sam's plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a high-speed chase sequence, with clear action lines and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-speed chase sequence, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense despite the fact that Sam is being followed. There is no sense of urgency or danger portrayed in the scene.
  • The action sequence of Sam performing a U-turn to lose the black SUV feels rushed and lacks detail. It could be more visually engaging and exciting.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and lacks depth. It could be more impactful and reveal more about Sam's character or the situation he is in.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build on the suspense and mystery of being followed. The scene could benefit from more atmospheric descriptions to enhance the mood.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more descriptive language to create a sense of tension and danger in the scene. Describe Sam's emotions and thoughts as he realizes he is being followed.
  • Expand on the action sequence of Sam performing the U-turn to lose the black SUV. Include details about the surroundings, the sounds of screeching tires, and the adrenaline rush Sam feels.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about Sam's character or the situation he is in. Consider adding subtext or hidden motives to make the conversation more engaging.
  • Include atmospheric descriptions to set the mood and build suspense. Use sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene and create a sense of anticipation.
  • Consider a smoother transition from the previous scene to maintain the narrative flow. Connect the two scenes more seamlessly to keep the reader engaged.



Scene 19 -  Urgent Mission at Smokies
EXT. SMOKIES - NIGHT

Sam hurries into to the entrance of Smokies, bypassing the
line. He gives the bouncer a hundred dollar bill and enters.

Through the haze of the dance floor fog, he sees Alex and
rushes up to him. Sam grabs his arm.

SAM
Come with me.

He pulls Alex.

ALEX
Hey!

SAM
I need to talk to you.

Sam drags Alex to the bar. Over the music, he yells.

SAM (CONT’D)
I need you to hold something for
me.

ALEX
What’s going on?
32.


He takes Alex’s hand and slams an envelope into it.

SAM
Listen. There’s lockers that these
keys goes to. Find Ruby.

ALEX
The crypto geek?

SAM
Just do it. Get it to Ruby. He’ll
know what to do. You remember the
way we connected with him before?

ALEX
Some chat room.

SAM
Right.

Sam looks over his shoulder.

SAM (CONT’D)
I gotta go.

Sam departs.

Alex walks back out to the dance floor, but Katie is gone. He
runs outside and doesn’t see her anywhere.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sam rushes into Smokies, bypasses the line, gives the bouncer money, and urgently hands Alex an envelope with keys, instructing him to find Ruby. Alex agrees to help but Katie is nowhere to be found as Sam quickly leaves, leaving Alex to search for her.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mystery
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the urgent actions of the characters and the mysterious instructions given to Alex.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of passing on an envelope with secretive instructions adds depth to the plot and raises questions about what is contained within.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the envelope and the cryptic instructions, driving the story forward and increasing the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a cryptic mission in a nightclub setting, blending elements of mystery and suspense with technological intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and propel the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Sam and Alex are developed through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their urgency and determination.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, the urgency of the situation pushes the characters to act in unexpected ways.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal is to protect something valuable and ensure it reaches the right person. This reflects his need for security and trust in his friend Alex.

External Goal: 7

Sam's external goal is to deliver an envelope to Ruby through Alex, indicating a larger scheme or plan in motion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is subtle but present, as the characters navigate a tense and mysterious situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Sam faces obstacles in delivering the envelope and Alex is thrust into a risky situation. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate the challenges ahead.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the urgency of the situation and the cryptic nature of the instructions, hinting at dangerous consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new element of mystery and intrigue, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden introduction of a cryptic mission and the characters' secretive behavior. The audience is left wondering about the significance of the envelope and Ruby's involvement.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust and loyalty, as Sam relies on Alex to deliver the envelope to Ruby, testing their friendship and moral values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and anticipation, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is concise and impactful, conveying the urgency and mystery of the situation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, mysterious plot elements, and high stakes. The reader is drawn into the characters' dilemma and eager to see how it unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a sense of urgency and tension building throughout. The rapid dialogue and quick scene changes maintain the reader's interest and drive the plot forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the nightclub setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical setup for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear goal, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the audience slightly disoriented as to how Sam ended up at the club.
  • The urgency and tension in Sam's actions could be heightened to create a more gripping and suspenseful moment.
  • The dialogue between Sam and Alex feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural and nuanced exchanges to deepen their relationship.
  • The instructions given to Alex about the keys and finding Ruby could be more clearly explained to ensure the audience understands the significance of this task.
  • The disappearance of Katie feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene to maintain continuity.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief establishing shot or transition to show Sam leaving the previous location and arriving at the club to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the sense of urgency in Sam's actions by incorporating more physical cues or reactions to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • Refine the dialogue between Sam and Alex to make it more authentic and reflective of their dynamic, allowing for moments of tension and connection to shine through.
  • Clarify the importance of the keys and Ruby's role in a more explicit manner to ensure the audience grasps the significance of this task for the plot.
  • Smooth out the transition between Alex receiving the envelope and realizing Katie is missing to create a more seamless narrative progression.



Scene 20 -  Interrogation at Home
EXT. SUBURBAN PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT

Sam passes Conshohocken exit and gets off at Gulph Mills. He
drives along Route 320 and then turns down a sleepy street
and into his driveway.

It’s dark. Lights are out along the driveway and in the
house. The car creeps along until he comes to a stop in front
of the house.

INT. SAM’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sam pours himself a drink and walks over to the window by the
front door. He looks at the street and sidewalk.

He walks back into the kitchen. Lou is sitting at the table
with his gun in front of him.

LOU
Hello Sam.
33.


Sam is still processing that Lou is in his house when Mo
walks in from the front.

SAM

What the fuck.

MO
Don’t what the fuck us.

LOU
We know Jerry paid a visit to the
restaurant. We know he gave
something to Giovanni and that you
took it.

Sam feigns ignorance.

Mo whacks him on the back of the head.

MO
Does that help your memory?

LOU
We know Jerry’s been in contact
with Giovanni.

MO
Where’s the drive?

SAM
I don’t know what you’re talking
about.

Mo swats him on the back of the head.

MO
Don’t be stupid.

Mo shoots Sam in the knee cap. SCREAMING out in pain, Sam
drops to the ground, clutching his shattered leg.

LOU
Mo, c’mon. We just got here.

MO
Where is the drive?

Mo steps on Sam’s leg. Sam SCREAMS out.

SAM
I don’t have it.

Mo shakes his head. He steps on Sam’s wounded leg.
34.


Sam YELPS and rolls onto his side and wretches.

LOU
Mo. Let me have a moment.

Mo kicks Sam and steps aside.

LOU (CONT’D)
Listen, Sam. I like you. I really
do. I love Gio Cucina. Their veal
is to die for. But it’s over.
Where’s the drive?

Weeping, Sam tries to gather his strength.

SAM
I gave it...

Lou leans in closer to hear.

That’s when Sam pulls out his gun and fires, grazing Lou in
the ear.

Lou falls to the ground.

Sam fires, again, but misses Mo. He pulls himself toward the
door.

Shaking his head, Mo walks up to him.

MO
That wasn’t very nice.

Mo kicks Sam in the face. He looks at Lou.

MO (CONT’D)
You know, I don’t want to kill this
guy. I don’t.

Mo kneels beside Sam.
MO (CONT’D)
I’ll ask again. Where is it?

SAM
It’s gone. It’s...

He falls unconscious.

Lou presses a hand towel from the kitchen against his wounded
ear.

Lou sighs.
35.


LOU
Leave him. I don’t want to shoot
him.

MO
But what if he goes to the cops.

Lou chuckles.

MO (CONT’D)
Yeah, I guess not.

They look at one another for a beat.

LOU
I want to see my grand daughter.
Mo nods. He gets it.

They walk out the front door.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sam is confronted by Lou and Mo at his house in suburban Philadelphia. They accuse him of taking a drive that Jerry gave to Giovanni, leading to a violent interrogation. Despite Sam denying having the drive, Mo shoots him in the knee cap. Sam tries to fight back, injuring Lou in the process, but ultimately falls unconscious. Lou and Mo decide to leave Sam alive, fearing he may go to the cops.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and crucial for the development of the story. It keeps the audience engaged with its high stakes, emotional depth, and violent confrontation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a violent confrontation between characters with conflicting interests is executed effectively, adding layers to the story and creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly through the intense confrontation, revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters, rather than just the action and violence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and emotions driving their actions. The scene showcases their strengths, weaknesses, and the dynamics between them effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Sam undergoes a significant change during the scene, from being interrogated and tortured to taking a drastic action to defend himself. This change showcases his desperation and resilience in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and his secrets, while also trying to survive the violent confrontation with Lou and Mo. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and fear of being caught in criminal activities.

External Goal: 9

Sam's external goal is to survive the encounter with Lou and Mo, while also trying to protect any valuable information or items they are seeking. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The level of conflict in the scene is extremely high, with intense physical and emotional confrontations between the characters. The stakes are raised, leading to a dramatic and impactful resolution.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lou and Mo presenting a significant threat to Sam and creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters' lives on the line, betrayals exposed, and dangerous confrontations leading to violent outcomes. The tension and suspense are heightened by the high stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for further developments. It propels the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, leading to a tense and uncertain outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loyalty, betrayal, and survival. Sam must navigate his loyalty to his criminal associates while also trying to survive their violent interrogation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, eliciting feelings of tension, fear, and empathy for the characters involved. The violent and intense nature of the confrontation adds to the emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall intensity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and morally complex characters. The high stakes and unpredictable outcome keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of action and dialogue leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the crime thriller genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense confrontation in a crime thriller, with escalating action and dialogue leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and suspenseful, which fits well with the overall tone of the screenplay. The dialogue between the characters effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation. However, the scene could benefit from more clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and relationships. It would be helpful to provide more context on why Lou and Mo are interrogating Sam and what their connection to Jerry and Giovanni is. Additionally, the action sequences could be more detailed and choreographed to enhance the visual impact of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit rushed, especially towards the end when the confrontation escalates quickly. It might be beneficial to build up the tension gradually and allow the audience to fully understand the stakes involved. Providing more insight into Sam's internal struggle and decision-making process could also add depth to the character and make his actions more impactful.
  • The resolution of the conflict feels somewhat abrupt, with Sam ultimately falling unconscious before revealing the whereabouts of the drive. It might be more satisfying for the audience to see a clearer resolution or consequence of Sam's actions, whether it's through his interaction with Lou and Mo or the aftermath of the confrontation. This would help tie up loose ends and provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more backstory or exposition to clarify the relationships between the characters and their motivations. This will help the audience better understand the dynamics at play and the significance of the drive that Lou and Mo are seeking.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more tension and suspense to build. This can be achieved by adding more moments of conflict and character development before the climax of the confrontation.
  • Explore different ways to resolve the conflict between Sam, Lou, and Mo to create a more satisfying and impactful conclusion. This could involve adding a twist or unexpected turn of events that adds depth to the characters and their interactions.



Scene 21 -  The Search for Jerry
INT. BASS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Myles Bass slams the phone down and stands up. His secretary
is used to his temperament. She looks bored.

MYLES
Where the fuck is Jerry? How can a
man just disappear?

NANCY
I haven’t seen him all day.

MYLES
What is he up to?

Myles turns and looks out the window.

NANCY
Do you want me to cancel your and
Carrie’s reservation at Gio Cucina
for tomorrow? Lunch.

MYLES
No, I want you to find Jerry.
Keep calling him.

NANCY
Mo and Lou were supposed...

MYLES
I know what those idiots were
supposed to do.
36.


He slams his hand on the desk.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Myles Bass is frustrated and looking for Jerry at Bass Headquarters, while his secretary Nancy tries to assist him. Myles expresses his anger by slamming his hand on the desk, emphasizing his impatience. The conflict arises from Jerry's disappearance, and the scene ends with Myles determined to find him while Nancy continues to offer help.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some character motivations could be clearer

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling mystery with strong character dynamics and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character going missing and the repercussions it has on the other characters is engaging and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple storylines converging around the central mystery of the missing character.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a business executive dealing with a crisis, but the sharp dialogue and intense character dynamics add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene, showcasing their individual motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience shifts in their relationships and motivations, setting up potential arcs for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

Myles' internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and authority in his business dealings. His outburst and frustration with Jerry's disappearance reveal his need for order and predictability in his professional life.

External Goal: 7

Myles' external goal is to locate Jerry and ensure that his business operations are running smoothly. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in managing his company effectively.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Myles facing challenges in managing his business and dealing with unexpected events. The audience is left uncertain of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of finding the missing character and the potential consequences of his disappearance drive the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected disappearance of Jerry and the tension between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Myles' desire for control and the unpredictable nature of human behavior. His frustration with Jerry's disappearance highlights the tension between order and chaos in his professional life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high due to the characters' reactions to the missing man and the escalating conflict within the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to reveal character dynamics and advance the plot, but could benefit from more nuanced exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense character interactions and the high-stakes nature of the business setting. The sharp dialogue and fast-paced action keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rapid-fire dialogue and character interactions contribute to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy office scene, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven office setting, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high stakes and Myles' frustration. The dialogue between Myles and Nancy feels somewhat flat and lacks depth in conveying the urgency of finding Jerry.
  • The interaction between Myles and Nancy could be more dynamic and engaging to capture the audience's attention. The dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from more subtext or hidden agendas to add layers to the characters.
  • The physical action of Myles slamming his hand on the desk at the end of the scene is a cliche way to show frustration and could be more subtly portrayed to add nuance to his character.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and mood, such as Myles' body language or the setting of the office to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Overall, the scene could be improved by adding more depth to the characters' interactions, increasing the tension and urgency of the situation, and incorporating more visual elements to enhance the storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue between Myles and Nancy to convey the urgency and high stakes of finding Jerry.
  • Explore different ways to show Myles' frustration and impatience without resorting to cliched actions like slamming his hand on the desk.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions and setting details to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Add subtext and hidden agendas to the characters' interactions to make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
  • Consider revising the pacing of the scene to increase tension and maintain the audience's interest throughout.



Scene 22 -  Tension at the Diner and Gio Cucina
EXT. AMERICAN DINER - NIGHT

Lou and Mo are seated in a booth. Lou has a bandage on his
ear and cheek where the bullet grazed him.

A busboy walks by with a tray of corned beef sandwiches and
pickles, overcooked fries and bags of chips.

SHELLEY (30s) approaches them with a carafe of coffee.

SHELLEY
Lou.

LOU
Thanks.

Shelly pours a cup of coffee for Lou. Looks at Mo. But
doesn’t pour him coffee.

MO
Hey what about me?

SHELLEY
You? Huh. I don’t know about you.

MO
Come on sweetheart, no hard
feelings.


SHELLEY
No flowers, no nothing. Not even
good make up sex.

MO
Ohhh.

SHELLEY
I call ‘em how I see ‘em.

LOU
Trouble downstairs, Mo?

Lou chuckles.

MO
See what you’ve started?

SHELLEY
I got some real men to serve!
37.


LOU
Hahaha.

Shelley pours coffee for a neighboring table.

LOU (CONT’D)
That thing from last night.

MO
Uh.

Lou picks up his phone.

MO (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
LOU
Calling Myles to let him know about
Jerry.

He dials.

MYLES (V.O.)
Why am I reading about Jerry
Kowalski floating in the river this
morning and not hearing it from
you.

LOU
You said handle it. We’re handling
it.

MYLES (V.O.)
I didn’t say kill him.

LOU
He shot himself in the head.

Myles is quiet.

MYLES (V.O.)
What did that mother fucker do?

LOU
We’re following up on a few leads.

MYLES (V.O.)
If you know what is good for you,
you will find those files and my
money.

Lou motions like he’s cutting his own neck.
38.


LOU
Need a little more time.

Myles hangs up.


INT GIO CUCINA - PHILADELPHIA - DAY

Alex is in the kitchen.

Debbie stands close to him.

DEBBIE
I see Giovanni’s pet project is
hosting today.

Alex’s face reddens.

ALEX
You going to start with me?

GIOVANNI
Come, it’s time. Go to the station
upfront. And smile for our
customers. Okay, chop chop.

Giovanni claps hands.

DEBBIE
Go on, poodle boy.

Alex slams the locker shut and walks away.

Alex greets a well dressed man in a suit and tie named TONY
COTTELLE (60s). He has gray hair which accentuates his tanned
complexion. His equally tanned female companion stands beside
him.

ALEX
Hello Mr. Cottelle, nice to see you
again.

MR. COTTELLE
Alex, nice to see you.

ALEX
Table for two?

COTTELLE (60s) takes his card out of his wallet and hands it
to Alex.

MR. COTTELLE
When you’re ready to move on, call
me.
39.


Giovanni comes up behind Alex.

GIOVANNI
Hello Mr Cottelle.

MR. COTTELLE
Ah, Giovanni! I see you’re still
holding on. You remember my wife,
Francine?

GIOVANNI
Pleasure.

MR. COTTELLE
I was just trying to steal your
boy, here.

GIOVANNI
The best. The best.

Giovanni takes the menus from Alex.

ALEX
Table 3.

GIOVANNI
Ah, a good table. Quiet.

He leads Cottelle and his guest to the table.

MR. COTTELLE
Everything okay?

GIOVANNI
Nothing that I can’t manage.

Mr. COTTELLE
Good to hear. Playing any ball?

Giovanni chuckles, pats his stomach.

GIOVANNI
Not like you, me and Jerry used to
play.

Giovanni glances at the entrance and excuses himself.

Alex stands at the host table and speaks with guests.

Giovanni approaches the host table. He leans in as he scans
the tables.
40.


GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Tony Cottelle is an old friend. We
can trust him. Now he owns half of
the city. But more importantly,
he’s an honest man. He’s a family
man.

Giovanni’s eyes widen when he sees a sharp looking man in a
fitted suit and cherry red tie enter the restaurant.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
This man, on the other hand, is
pure trouble for me.

Myles Bass walks in with an air of entitlement that comes
with being at the top for so many years. He is with his wife,
CARRIE (60s) who is frail looking.

ALEX
Hello Mr. Bass.


GIOVANNI
Hello Myles.

MYLES
Giovanni. How are you making out.

GIOVANNI
Splendidly. Your table awaits you.

MYLES
Excellent. You remember my wife,
Carrie?

GIOVANNI
Of course. And, I have a special
fish dish for the lady, if she
prefers.

CARRIE
Don’t go to any trouble for me.

GIOVANNI
No trouble too great for such a
lovely lady.

Giovanni takes the menus from Alex. He walks them through
the maze of tables.

Mr. Cottelle sees them.

MR. COTTELLE
Hello Myles.
41.


MYLES
Tony. Didn’t recognize you with out
the lawyers around us.

Cottelle stands and looks at Carrie who holds her clutch
close and looks a little frail.

MR. COTTELLE
We haven’t had the pleasure. Tony
Cottelle.

He extends his hand to Carrie.

MYLES
This is Carrie, my wife. Tony and I
are sometimes on opposite sides.

CARRIE
Opposite sides?

MYLES
Yes, on real estate development.

MR. COTTELLE
You are the Carrie Bass? The
artist?

CARRIE
That’s me!

MYLES
You’ll have to come by her studio
and see her in action. It’s quite
lovely to watch.

CARRIE
Not much action these days, I’m
afraid.

MR. COTTELLE
Don’t let me keep you from your
meal. Enjoy.

MYLES
Nice to run into you Tony.

MR. COTTELLE
You, as well.

Myles and Carrie follow Giovanni to their table.

GIOVANNI
Debbie will be your server,
however, I am at your disposal.
42.


Giovanni walks back into the kitchen and then peers through
the round window in the door at them. Alex comes up beside
him.

ALEX
You okay?

GIOVANNI
Let’s show them a good time and
then get them the hell out of my
restaurant. Where the hell is Sam?


Giovanni approaches from the kitchen. He brings a special
appetizer to Myles’s table.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
This is a special recipe left to me
by my mother. If you like it, I
will send you home with some. It
has medicinal qualities, I am told.

He looks at Carrie.

Myles rubs his chin. He motions for Giovanni to lean in.
Myles whispers.

MYLES
Jerry Kowalski was found floating
face down in the river this
morning. They say he killed
himself.

Giovanni pulls back and looks stricken.

MYLES (CONT’D)
He was against me, after all these
years.

GIOVANNI
What? No!
Debbie approaches with a breadbasket and sets it down.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Would you excuse me? Life in a
restaurant is always in motion.

He walks over to another table and motions for Debbie. He
points to their glasses with no words. She brings over water.

Giovanni goes back to the kitchen.

Alex follows him.
43.


He finds Giovanni with his forehead resting against the
refrigerator. His eyes are closed.

ALEX
Gio?

GIOVANNI
This is bad. They killed Jerry.
Poor Jerry.

Giovanni shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
This is getting out of control.
It’s my fault. I’m a stubborn old
man.
ALEX
None of this is your fault. It’s
Bass. He’s pulling the strings.

GIOVANNI
Alex, I have something to show you.
Come with me.

They go up stairs, passing Debbie who is waiting on tables.
She watches as they walk up the steps to Giovanni’s office.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lou and Mo are at a diner at night, where Shelley serves them coffee and banter with Mo. Lou updates Myles on Jerry's situation. The scene then shifts to Gio Cucina in Philadelphia during the day, where Alex interacts with Mr. Cottelle and Giovanni. Myles and Carrie arrive, causing tension between Giovanni and Myles. The scene ends with Giovanni taking Alex upstairs, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Revealing plot points
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up important plot points, showcasing the power dynamics and conflicts between characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, betrayal, and power struggles within the restaurant business is well-developed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Jerry's death and the implications it has for the characters involved.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of crime and power struggles but adds a fresh perspective through nuanced character interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their relationships and motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Giovanni's realization of the escalating situation and his vulnerability in the face of external threats show a potential character change and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Lou's internal goal is to maintain control and handle the situation with Jerry's death in a way that protects himself and his organization. This reflects his need for power and survival in a dangerous world.

External Goal: 7

Lou's external goal is to manage the fallout from Jerry's death and maintain his position of authority within the criminal organization. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with the consequences of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Giovanni and Myles Bass, as well as the internal conflicts faced by the characters, create a high level of tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and motivations. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Jerry's death, the power struggle between characters, and the looming threat from Myles Bass raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing key information and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the revelation of new information that changes the dynamics of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, trust, and power. Characters must navigate their relationships and allegiances in a world where betrayal and violence are common. This challenges their beliefs about honor and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Jerry's death and the strained relationships between characters adds depth and intensity to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the high stakes of the situation, and the sharp dialogue that reveals hidden motives and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and character development, and building towards a climactic revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character names for dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Lou and Mo in the American diner to Alex in Gio Cucina, which may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Shelley, Lou, and Mo feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The phone call between Lou and Myles lacks tension and urgency, failing to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The interaction between Alex, Mr. Cottelle, and Giovanni feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose or direction.
  • The introduction of Myles and Carrie at the restaurant feels rushed and lacks a smooth transition from the previous scene.
  • The revelation of Jerry's death to Giovanni lacks emotional depth and impact, failing to evoke a strong reaction from the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and disconnected from the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between the American diner and Gio Cucina.
  • Develop the dialogue between characters to add depth and authenticity, allowing the audience to connect with the characters on a deeper level.
  • Enhance the tension and urgency in the phone call between Lou and Myles to convey the gravity of Jerry's death and its implications.
  • Clarify the purpose of the interaction between Alex, Mr. Cottelle, and Giovanni to ensure it contributes meaningfully to the overall narrative.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional depth and impact in the revelation of Jerry's death to Giovanni.
  • Establish a clear central conflict or focus for the scene to give it a sense of purpose and direction within the larger story.



Scene 23 -  Emergency at Gio Cucina
INT. GIO CUCINA - GIO’S OFFICE - NIGHT

GIOVANNI
I have something to show you.

Giovanni closes the door as Debbie watches from the stair
well.

Giovanni goes to the wall safe and opens it.

It’s empty.
Giovanni GASPS, grabs his chest. He releases a guttural
scream.

Debbie opens the door to office and rushes in as Giovanni
collapses into Alex’s arms.

ALEX
Help me.

Alex places a pillow underneath Giovanni’s head.

Debbie stands over him. Stares at him as he struggles.
44.


Giovanni raises his hand.

GIOVANNI
Don’t let them take my restaurant.

Giovanni closes his eyes but he is still breathing.

Debbie peers into the empty safe.

ALEX
Call 911.

Alex starts compressions.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Debbie, call 911.
DEBBIE
What was he going to show you?

She takes out her phone and dials 911.

DEBBIE (CONT’D)
I need an ambulance at 1215 Murray
Bridge Road.

She looks down at Alex as he stops compressions.

ALEX
Hurry.

Giovanni says something. Alex lowers his ear to his mouth.

GIOVANNI
The keys. The keys.

Alex looks at Giovanni.

ALEX
I have the keys, Gio. I have them.
Gio’s eyes widen. He’s struggling to breath.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Where’s the god damn ambulance?

Debbie is standing over him.

DEBBIE
What keys, Alex?

The paramedics arrive before Alex can answer.
45.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Giovanni collapses in his office at Gio Cucina after finding his wall safe empty. Alex performs CPR while Debbie calls 911 for help. Giovanni struggles to breathe and asks for the keys before paramedics arrive, leaving the situation unresolved as the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Slightly rushed pacing in the resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and mystery. It effectively conveys the stakes and sets up further conflict and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character collapsing after discovering an empty safe is unique and impactful. It introduces a crucial plot point and raises questions about loyalty and betrayal.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with Giovanni's collapse, revealing hidden secrets and setting up future conflicts. The scene is crucial in building suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a life-threatening situation intertwined with themes of loyalty and sacrifice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Giovanni's vulnerability and desperation contrasting with Alex and Debbie's quick actions. Their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Giovanni undergoes a significant change as he collapses in desperation, revealing vulnerability and fear. Alex and Debbie also show their quick thinking and loyalty.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his restaurant, which reflects his deeper need for security, stability, and identity tied to his business.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get medical help for Giovanni, reflecting the immediate challenge of saving his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Giovanni's collapse raises questions about loyalty and betrayal. The scene is filled with tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Giovanni's life hanging in the balance and conflicting priorities for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Giovanni's collapse hints at betrayal and danger. The characters' actions have serious consequences, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing hidden secrets, raising questions about loyalty, and setting up future conflicts. It advances the plot and builds suspense.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the value of loyalty and sacrifice for a friend versus personal gain or safety. Alex must decide whether to prioritize Giovanni's request to protect the restaurant or his own well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock, particularly with Giovanni's collapse. The emotional intensity adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and emotions of the characters. It effectively reveals key information and builds tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and fast-paced action.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure follows the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear action and dialogue driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong sense of urgency and tension as Giovanni collapses after finding his wall safe empty, creating a dramatic moment. However, the emotional impact of the scene could be enhanced by delving deeper into Giovanni's reaction to the situation.
  • The dialogue between Giovanni, Alex, and Debbie is effective in conveying the urgency of the situation, but there is room for improvement in terms of character development and depth of emotion.
  • The physical actions of Alex performing CPR on Giovanni and Debbie calling 911 add to the intensity of the scene, but more attention could be given to the internal thoughts and feelings of the characters.
  • The revelation of Giovanni's plea to not let them take his restaurant adds a layer of complexity to his character, but this could be further explored to deepen the emotional impact on the audience.
  • The scene ends abruptly with the paramedics arriving before the resolution of Giovanni's condition or the mystery of the keys is fully addressed, leaving the audience with unanswered questions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Giovanni, Alex, and Debbie to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during this intense moment.
  • Explore the relationship dynamics between Giovanni, Alex, and Debbie further to add depth to their interactions and enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Extend the scene slightly to allow for a more gradual buildup of tension and suspense, leading to a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger.
  • Provide more context or hints about the significance of the keys and their connection to Giovanni's distress to create a stronger sense of mystery and intrigue for the audience.
  • Consider revisiting the pacing of the scene to ensure a balance between action and emotional depth, allowing the audience to fully engage with the characters and their struggles.



Scene 24 -  Hospital Update
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Alex is seated in the waiting room of the emergency room.
Debbie walks in and sits beside him.

DEBBIE
What keys, Alex?

Alex looks at her.

ALEX
Sam gave me a set of keys to
lockers at 30th Street.

The DOCTOR (60S) walks in.

Alex rises.

Debbie is texting something in her phone.

ALEX (CONT’D)
How is he doc?

DOCTOR
He’ll make it. But will need to
stay here for observation.

ALEX
Can we see him?

DOCTOR
The best thing you can do is go
home and get some rest. It’s late
and he is asleep.

Alex shakes the doctor’s hand and he departs. Alex and Debbie
walk to the elevator.

Debbie presses the elevator button and they enter it. The
doors close with Debbie smirking.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Alex and Debbie receive news from the doctor that Sam will be okay but needs to stay for observation. Relieved, they decide to go home and get some rest after a tense wait in the hospital hallway at night. Debbie tries to lighten the mood by smirking in the elevator before they leave.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tension and suspense
  • Effective use of setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters while maintaining a sense of suspense and intrigue. The introduction of the hospital setting adds depth to the story and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a violent incident and the characters' reactions to it is well-executed. The introduction of the hospital setting adds a new dimension to the story and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters deal with the aftermath of the violent event, setting up new conflicts and tensions. The scene keeps the audience invested in the story and leaves them eager to see what happens next.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a hospital emergency room but adds originality through the nuanced interactions between characters and the subtle conflicts that arise. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are at the forefront of the scene, adding depth and complexity to their personalities. The interactions between Alex and Debbie reveal their bond and concern for each other.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they confront the aftermath of the violent incident. Alex and Debbie's bond strengthens, and they show resilience in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal in this scene is to find out about the condition of Sam, reflecting his deeper need for reassurance and care for his friend. It also reveals his fear of losing someone close to him.

External Goal: 7

Alex's external goal is to see Sam and ensure he is okay, reflecting the immediate challenge of dealing with a medical emergency and the uncertainty of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is internal, as the characters grapple with their emotions and the aftermath of the violent incident. The tension between them adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters deal with the aftermath of a violent incident and face uncertainty about the future. The emotional and physical challenges they encounter add tension to the story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions, setting the stage for further developments. The hospital setting adds a new layer of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Sam's condition is uncertain, and the characters' reactions add layers of complexity to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the doctor's advice to go home and rest versus Alex's desire to see his friend. It challenges Alex's values of loyalty and care for others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as they witness the characters' struggles and fears. The sense of uncertainty and concern adds to the emotional impact of the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is concise and serves to convey the characters' emotions and concerns effectively. It captures the tension and uncertainty of the situation while hinting at further developments in the story.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense and emotional stakes through the interactions between characters and the uncertainty of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution that advances the plot.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format and layout.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic moment in a screenplay, with clear character motivations and escalating tension leading to a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the events that have just transpired in the previous scenes. There should be more emotional weight and intensity in Alex and Debbie's interaction, especially given the gravity of Sam's situation.
  • The dialogue feels a bit flat and could be more impactful. Debbie's question about the keys should elicit a stronger reaction from Alex, and his response could be more emotionally charged.
  • The transition from the doctor's update on Sam to the casual conversation about seeing him feels abrupt and disjointed. There should be a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Debbie's smirk at the end of the scene seems out of place given the context of Sam's condition. Her reaction should be more in line with the seriousness of the situation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the emotional depth, such as Alex's body language or facial expressions reflecting his concern for Sam.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Alex and Debbie's interaction by amplifying their reactions to Sam's condition and the mention of the keys.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more impactful and reflective of the characters' emotions in the moment.
  • Smooth out the transition between the doctor's update and the conversation about seeing Sam to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Adjust Debbie's reaction at the end to be more appropriate to the seriousness of the situation, possibly showing concern or worry instead of a smirk.
  • Incorporate more visual cues to convey the characters' emotions and enhance the overall impact of the scene.



Scene 25 -  Mysterious Instructions
EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Debbie gets into her car. She take out her phone and dials a
number.

DEBBIE
I know where it is. Yeah, 30th
Street. Go there tomorrow and wait.
I’ll text you a picture of the man
you should watch for.

She starts the engine and pulls off.
46.
Genres: null

Summary Debbie gets into her car outside the hospital at night, makes a secretive phone call to give instructions to someone, and then drives off. The tone is mysterious and suspenseful as Debbie sets up a potential future conflict or event with her dialogue over the phone.
Strengths null
Weaknesses null

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of covert communication and protection, but adds a fresh twist with the use of modern technology and the hint of danger at the hospital setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 8

Debbie's internal goal in this scene is to protect someone or something by providing information to the person she is talking to on the phone. This reflects her deeper need to be in control and to ensure the safety of those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

Debbie's external goal in this scene is to give instructions to the person on the other end of the phone call to go to a specific location and wait for further instructions. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in needing to communicate covertly and ensure the safety of the person she is protecting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the audience is left wondering about the potential danger and the identity of the man Debbie is referring to.

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mystery and leaves the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the need for secrecy and the desire to protect. Debbie must balance the need to keep information hidden with the need to ensure the safety of the person she is trying to protect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up a mystery and leaves the audience wondering about the identity of the man Debbie is referring to and the danger they may be in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with the dialogue and action moving the scene forward at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear action and dialogue driving the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional impact, especially considering the intense and urgent events that have just taken place in the previous scenes. There is a disconnect between the high-stakes situations and the casual nature of this scene.
  • Debbie's actions and dialogue feel vague and lack context. The audience is left wondering who she is talking to, what they are discussing, and why it is important.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and lacks nuance or tension. There is an opportunity to add more intrigue and suspense to the conversation.
  • The visual description is minimal, missing an opportunity to create a more vivid and engaging scene for the audience.
  • The scene does not provide a clear transition or connection to the next part of the story, leaving the audience feeling disjointed.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to Debbie's phone call to create intrigue and suspense. Provide hints or clues about the recipient of the call and the significance of the information she is sharing.
  • Enhance the dialogue to add tension and depth to the scene. Consider incorporating subtext or hidden agendas to make the conversation more engaging.
  • Include visual details that enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene. Describe Debbie's demeanor, the surroundings, and any visual cues that can add depth to the moment.
  • Create a smoother transition to the next scene by hinting at the upcoming events or connecting Debbie's actions to the larger narrative arc. This will help maintain the audience's engagement and interest in the story.



Scene 26 -  Ambushed
INT. ALEX’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Alex walks up the steps to his apartment. As he opens the
door, Mo and Lou step off the elevator and rush him as he
enters.

Mo and Lou push Alex into the apartment.

ALEX
What the fuck?

MO
Shut up and sit down.

Mo pushes Alex onto the couch.

MO (CONT’D)
Sit. Where is it?

ALEX
Where is what?

LOU
We don’t have time for this. What
did Sam give you?

ALEX
Nothing. He gave me nothing.

Lou grabs him by the hair and pulls him to his feet.

LOU
I’ll start in the bedroom.

Lou drags Alex into the bedroom.

LOU (CONT’D)
Clear the shelves. Let me see
everything.

Alex moves a few books, but Lou grows frustrated and clears
the shelves with a swoop of his hand. He throws down the
book case, tosses the bed and tears the curtains.

Alex moves, but Lou takes out his gun and points it at Alex.

Lou steps over the mattress and Alex kicks him in the knee
with his heel. At the same time, he lunges for the bat. In
one swift motion, he brings the bat forward and it strikes
Lou in the temple. He drops his gun and falls onto the
mattress.

Alex grabs the gun. He can hear Mo in the other room calling
for Lou.
47.


With the bat in one hand and the gun in the other, Alex
barrels through the bedroom door into the living room and
shoots Mo in the foot.

He quickly throws the carpet out of the way and pulls the
trap door open. He grabs the envelope with the keys and
escapes into the hallway. Alex runs down the steps into the
street. Lou peers out the window, holding his head.

Alex walks quickly to his car and climbs in.

Alex takes out his phone and dials Sam but it goes to voice
mail.

SAM
What did you get me into? Dammit,
where are you?
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Alex is ambushed by Mo and Lou in his apartment at night. They are looking for something Sam gave him. Lou aggressively searches the apartment while Alex defends himself. Alex manages to overpower Lou and Mo, retrieves an envelope with keys, and escapes, leaving Mo and Lou behind.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of emotional depth in secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and action-packed, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with its high-stakes conflict and dramatic developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between characters with conflicting interests, leading to a violent struggle and a race against time to secure vital information, is executed effectively with tension and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense conflict between the characters, with each action and revelation propelling the story forward and adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a high-stakes, violent confrontation between characters involved in criminal activities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Alex, Mo, and Lou are well-defined in their motivations and actions, adding depth to the scene and creating a compelling dynamic that drives the conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Alex undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, from a passive observer to an active participant in the conflict, showcasing his resourcefulness and courage.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and escape the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for survival and self-preservation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the envelope with the keys and escape from the dangerous situation with Mo and Lou. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral stakes driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that keep the audience on edge. The outcome of the confrontation is uncertain, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with lives on the line, secrets at risk, and the characters' fates hanging in the balance, adding urgency and tension to the conflict.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with its dramatic developments and revelations, setting the stage for further conflicts and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's actions and the outcome of the confrontation with Mo and Lou.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between loyalty and self-preservation. The protagonist must choose between protecting himself and betraying his friend Sam, who got him into this dangerous situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to determination and resilience, as the characters navigate a dangerous and high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is terse and impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation while revealing the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the protagonist's struggle.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, effectively building suspense and tension. The rhythm of the action and dialogue contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the action and dialogue. It follows the expected format for a high-stakes action scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation and resolution. It follows the expected format for a high-stakes action scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and the overall purpose of the confrontation. It's not clear why Mo and Lou are looking for something Sam gave Alex, and the audience is left confused about the significance of the keys and the envelope.
  • The dialogue feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, with generic threats and demands that don't add much to the scene. The interactions between the characters could be more nuanced and revealing of their relationships and backgrounds.
  • The action sequences are somewhat predictable and lack tension. The fight between Alex, Mo, and Lou feels rushed and lacks a sense of urgency or stakes. The resolution of the conflict is too quick and doesn't feel earned.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting. Adding details about the apartment, the characters' movements, and the tension in the room could help create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Overall, the scene needs more development in terms of character dynamics, plot progression, and emotional depth to engage the audience and drive the story forward effectively.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the motivations of Mo and Lou and the significance of the keys and envelope to create a more compelling conflict.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and revealing of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Enhance the action sequences by adding more tension, stakes, and unpredictability to keep the audience engaged.
  • Include more visual descriptions to set the scene, create atmosphere, and enhance the overall impact of the confrontation.
  • Focus on developing the characters, their relationships, and the emotional stakes of the scene to make it more impactful and meaningful in the context of the larger story.



Scene 27 -  Tragic Discovery
EXT. SAM’S HOUSE DAY

Alex pulls up to Sam’s house and gets out. He sees Sam’s car.
He looks inside it for a moment and then knocks on the door.

He takes out his keys and opens the door.


INT. SAM’S HOUSE - DAY

Alex walks into the house.

ALEX
Sammy?

He walks in and leaves the door open.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Sam?

He goes into the kitchen and then into the living room and
immediately sees Sam lying on his back. Alex falls to his
side. He touches his cheek and rests his hand on his neck to
feel a pulse. He tears off his sweatshirt and ties it around
his brother’s thigh. He starts compressions, but Sam is long
dead.

Hands bloodied, Alex fumbles for his phone.

OPERATOR
What is your emergency?

ALEX
My brother’s been shot.
48.


Alex wells up, looks at Sam’s body.

ALEX (CONT’D)
I think he’s dead.

OPERATOR
Where was he shot? What part of his
body?

ALEX
His leg. I tied a tourniquet around
it. But...

OPERATOR
Is he breathing?
ALEX
No. I tried compressions...I did
everything.

Alex kneels beside his brother.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Please hurry. Please.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Alex arrives at Sam's house to find his brother lying dead in the living room, with bloodied hands he attempts CPR and calls for help in a desperate attempt to save him. Despite his efforts, Sam is already deceased, leading to a heartbreaking realization for Alex.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and drives the plot forward with a sense of urgency and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loss, desperation, and the bond between brothers is effectively portrayed, adding depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly as Alex discovers his brother's fate, leading to potential repercussions and further developments in the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a family member in danger but adds a unique twist with the protagonist's emotional journey and the intense portrayal of the events.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Alex, are deeply affected by the events in the scene, showcasing their emotional depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Alex undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he grapples with the loss of his brother, showcasing his vulnerability and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save his brother and cope with the shock and grief of the situation. It reflects his deeper need for family and connection.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to get help for his brother who has been shot. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between life and death, the struggle to save a loved one, and the emotional turmoil create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and the emotional turmoil of losing a loved one.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high as Alex tries to save his brother's life, facing the ultimate consequence of failure.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major turning point and setting the stage for future events and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the emotional impact of the protagonist's discovery.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the value of family and the fragility of life. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of family and the unpredictability of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, desperation, and loss, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and emotional turmoil of the situation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional stakes, the urgency of the situation, and the protagonist's internal struggle.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the gravity of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a dramatic and emotional scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, following the expected format for a dramatic and intense moment in the story.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scenes, leaving the audience confused about the sudden shift to Sam's house.
  • The emotional impact of finding Sam dead is not fully explored, with Alex's reaction feeling somewhat rushed and lacking depth.
  • The dialogue between Alex and the operator feels somewhat generic and could be more emotionally charged given the gravity of the situation.
  • There is a lack of visual description to enhance the atmosphere and emotions of the scene, such as the setting, lighting, and Alex's physical actions.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build tension and suspense as Alex discovers Sam's body and tries to save him.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or establishing shot to set the scene at Sam's house and provide context for the audience.
  • Focus on Alex's emotional journey and the impact of finding his brother dead, allowing for a more nuanced and realistic portrayal of grief and shock.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Alex and the operator to reflect the urgency and desperation of the situation, adding depth to Alex's emotional state.
  • Include more visual details to create a vivid and immersive experience for the audience, such as describing the surroundings, lighting, and Alex's physical movements.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to build suspense and draw the audience into the moment of discovery and tragedy, heightening the emotional impact.



Scene 28 -  The Interrogation
INT. SAM’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sirens from an ambulance leaving the property can be heard
from inside the house.

Alex sits on the couch. A DETECTIVE (50s) walks up to him.

FITZMILLEN
I’m Detective Fitzmillen, Mr.
Raines.

Alex looks up at him in a daze.

FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
I’m Detective Fitzmillen. I’m sorry
for your loss. I understand you
found your brother. I have a few
questions for you.

Alex doesn’t say anything.

FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
Do you know why someone would shoot
your brother?

Alex shakes his head.
49.


FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
What did he do for a living?

ALEX
He was a host at Gio Cucino.

An officer approaches and whispers into the Detective’s ear.
Fitzmillen looks at him and then follows him into the
kitchen.

Fitzmillen emerges from the kitchen with a large vacuum
packed bag of marijuana. He holds it out to Alex.

FITZMILLEN
Know anything about this?
Alex hesitates.

ALEX
I thought he’d stopped.

FITZMILLEN
Stopped? Using or dealing.

Alex shrugs.

FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
Nice house.

Fitzmillen looks around.

ALEX
You mean for a restaurant worker?

Fitzmillen cocks his head to the left.

Alex sits back down.

ALEX (CONT’D)
I don’t know. He and I...
FITZMILLEN
Where do you live?

ALEX
In town.

ALEX (CONT’D)
It’s my brother’s place. He was an
investor.

FITZMILLEN
Sure. Look, I’m sorry for your
loss.
(MORE)
50.

FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
We’ll investigate this and see
where it leads. Again, sorry for
your loss.

Fitzmillen turns. Alex looks as if he wants to say something.

FITZMILLEN (CONT’D)
Anything else suspicious about his
behavior in the last few days?

Alex pauses a beat and then shakes his head. Fitzmillen puts
away his pad and walks out.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Detective Fitzmillen questions Alex about his brother's death and involvement in drug dealing at Sam's house. Despite Alex's reluctance to fully cooperate, the detective discovers a large bag of marijuana in the house. The tense and somber scene ends with Fitzmillen leaving after questioning Alex about any suspicious behavior his brother may have exhibited.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Revealing hidden secrets
  • Exploring emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Lack of clarity on certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces a new layer of mystery while exploring the emotional impact of the tragedy. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering hidden secrets and dealing with the aftermath of a crime is well-executed in this scene. The introduction of drugs adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the shooting and the discovery of drugs in the house. The introduction of Detective Fitzmillen adds a new investigative element to the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar crime investigation scenario but adds depth through the protagonist's internal struggles and the nuanced portrayal of family dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals layers of complexity in the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed in this scene, particularly Alex's grief and confusion. Detective Fitzmillen adds a new dynamic to the character interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Alex undergoes a significant change in this scene as he confronts the reality of his brother's death and the secrets he kept. Detective Fitzmillen also introduces a new dynamic that challenges Alex's perception of the situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with the loss of his brother and navigate the questions and suspicions surrounding his death. This reflects his need for closure, understanding, and emotional processing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to cooperate with the detective's investigation and provide any information that may help solve his brother's murder. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with law enforcement and the legal implications of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in this scene, both internally within the characters and externally with the discovery of drugs in the house. The tension between Alex and Detective Fitzmillen adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the detective's probing questions, the discovery of incriminating evidence, and the protagonist's internal conflict adding layers of complexity and challenge. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Alex grapples with the loss of his brother, the discovery of drugs in the house, and the investigation by Detective Fitzmillen. The characters' lives are at risk as the mystery deepens.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of mystery and conflict. The discovery of drugs and Detective Fitzmillen's investigation propel the plot in a new direction.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of marijuana, the protagonist's ambiguous responses, and the unresolved questions about the brother's behavior. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's loyalty to his brother and the truth he may uncover about his brother's illegal activities. This challenges his values of family loyalty and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact as Alex grapples with the loss of his brother and the discovery of drugs in the house. The grief and confusion are palpable throughout the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and filled with subtext, revealing important information about the characters' relationships and motivations. It effectively conveys the emotional impact of the events unfolding.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the mystery surrounding the brother's death, and the subtle character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the unfolding investigation and the protagonist's emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and moments of revelation. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are concise and evocative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with the introduction of a detective, questioning of the protagonist, and hints of a larger mystery. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore Alex's grief and shock at finding his brother dead.
  • The dialogue between Detective Fitzmillen and Alex feels somewhat cliched and lacks authenticity.
  • The interaction between Alex and Fitzmillen could benefit from more tension and conflict to make the scene more engaging.
  • The discovery of the large bag of marijuana feels forced and could be integrated more seamlessly into the conversation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the atmosphere and emotions of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or physical actions for Alex to convey his shock and grief at finding his brother dead.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Alex and Detective Fitzmillen more realistic and nuanced to reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • Introduce more conflict or tension in the conversation to make it more dynamic and engaging for the audience.
  • Integrate the discovery of the marijuana more organically into the scene to avoid it feeling like a contrived plot point.
  • Include more visual cues such as close-ups or specific details in the setting to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 29 -  Confrontation at the Train Station
EXT. SAM’S HOUSE - DAY
Alex sits in his car, head bowed, hands on steering wheel.
The cops have left him alone, now. Alex searches his pockets
for a tissue and takes out the envelope with the two keys. He
holds one in each hand and then places them back in the
envelope. He starts the car and turns and drives toward the
city.


EXT 30TH STREET STATION - DAY

Alex walks up to the entrance of the train station Terminal.

A MAN (40s) lies next to the front door of the terminal.
McDonalds' wrappers beside him.

ALEX
You okay buddy? You’re blocking the
door.

The man rises, unsteadily and holds his hand out. Alex gives
him two dollars and the man steps aside.


INT 30TH STREET STATION - DAY
Alex scans the environment.

Two banks of lockers on opposite sides of the large station.

Alex goes left, looks for the locker and pivots across the
station to the other bank of lockers.

Alex tries the key. The lock opens revealing a small black
box the size of a fob with a USB port.

He looks for and finds the second locker.
51.


Alex takes out a blue back pack and unzips it. He reaches
into it and pulls out a wad of cash and a passport. There is
a flash drive in the bag. He closes the bag and throws it
over his shoulder.

As he turns to leave, Beck hurries up to him. Beck opens his
sport coat, revealing a pistol in his waistband.

BECK
Be calm.

Alex hesitates. Tries to push past him but Beck takes out his
gun.

Beck jams the pistol into Alex’s side.

BECK (CONT’D)
Give.

He holds out his hand. Alex slowly takes the bag off his
shoulder. He hands it to Beck.

BECK (CONT’D)
Good. Now lets walk to the
bathroom.

ALEX
What? The bathroom? Who are you?

BECK
Shut up and walk.

They cross the station to the bathrooms. The enter. Beck
checks the stalls. Empty. He pushes Alex into one.

Beck points his gun to Alex’s head.

BECK (CONT’D)
Stay here and you’ll live. Move,
you die.
He raises the butt of the gun in the air and comes down on
Alex’s head. Alex slumps in the corner, bleeding from the
wound on his head.


EXT MIRRORED SKYSCRAPER IN CENTER CITY - NIGHT

Myles Bass stands on the balcony. His wife Carrie comes up
behind him and hands him a drink. She wraps her arms around
him.

CARRIE
You’ve been out here a while.
52.


MYLES
Nice night.

CARRIE
Chilly.

Bass takes off his sports coat, wraps Carrie up in it.

Mo and Lou step out onto the balcony.

LOU
You wanted to see us?

MYLES
Go on inside, sweetheart.

He kisses her. She brushes past Mo.

MYLES (CONT’D)
So? What do you have?

LOU
You said to handle it. We’re
handling it.

Myles sips his drink, chews the ice.

MYLES
Where is my money?

LOU
We’re following up on a lead.

MYLES
Following up on a lead? That’s all
you got?

Myles is incredulous.

MYLES (CONT’D)
Get out. Get me results. Morons.

Carrie comes out and stands next to Myles. They peer out over
the balcony.

MYLES (CONT’D)
You see that red light all the way
to the right?

CARRIE
Uh huh.
53.


MYLES
That’s where the Carrie Bass Center
for Cancer Research will go. I just
need to get this one property.
Otherwise, I’ll fucking, excuse my
French, build it on top of him.

CARRIE
Can’t the Mayor do something?

MYLES
I’ve got it under control,
sweetheart. Not to worry. You
feeling okay today?

CARRIE
Stronger every day.

He kisses her forehead.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Alex retrieves a bag from a locker at the train station, only to be confronted by Beck who threatens him with a gun and forces him into a bathroom stall. Beck robs Alex at gunpoint, leaving him bleeding in the bathroom stall.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Intrigue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the high-stakes exchange and the interactions between characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience engaged and eager to see how the situation unfolds.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a clandestine exchange involving valuable items like a black box, cash, and a passport adds intrigue and mystery to the scene. The power dynamics between characters like Myles Bass and his associates create a sense of danger and unpredictability.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Alex retrieves the items from the lockers, only to be confronted by Beck. The tension escalates as Beck forces Alex into a dangerous situation, adding layers of conflict and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic confrontation scenario, with unique character dynamics and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Alex, Beck, and Myles Bass, are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The interactions between them drive the plot forward and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Alex's resilience and resourcefulness are highlighted as he navigates a dangerous situation. Beck's ruthlessness and Myles Bass's control over his associates are also emphasized.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal is to retrieve the contents of the lockers and complete his mission, which reflects his need for closure and resolution in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 9

Alex's external goal is to retrieve the contents of the lockers and avoid confrontation, reflecting his immediate challenge of dealing with a dangerous individual.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Alex facing a life-threatening situation at the hands of Beck. The power struggle between characters like Myles Bass and his associates adds another layer of conflict and tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Beck posing a significant threat to Alex and creating tension and conflict that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Alex's life in danger and the outcome of the exchange having far-reaching consequences. The power struggle between characters adds to the intensity and high stakes of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the mysterious items in the lockers, escalating the conflict between characters, and setting up future confrontations and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character motivations, and escalating tension that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power and control, as Beck exerts dominance over Alex through threats and violence. This challenges Alex's beliefs about justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of fear, suspense, and urgency, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The danger faced by Alex and the power dynamics at play create a tense and impactful atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and suspense of the situation. The exchanges between characters like Beck and Alex are sharp and impactful, adding to the overall intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the story moving forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear progression and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The transition from Alex sitting in his car to arriving at the train station feels a bit abrupt and could use a smoother transition to connect the scenes.
  • The interaction with the man at the train station could be more impactful or relevant to the overall plot to add depth to the scene.
  • The tension between Alex and Beck escalates quickly, but the dialogue and actions could be more nuanced to build suspense and create a more gripping confrontation.
  • The confrontation with Beck in the train station bathroom feels rushed and could benefit from more detailed descriptions of the characters' emotions and reactions.
  • The scene with Myles Bass on the balcony lacks a clear connection to the preceding events and may need more context or relevance to the main storyline.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transition scene or moment to smoothly connect Alex sitting in his car to arriving at the train station.
  • Enhance the interaction with the man at the train station to make it more meaningful or impactful to the overall plot.
  • Develop the confrontation between Alex and Beck in the train station bathroom by adding more tension, dialogue, and character depth.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene with Beck to allow for more detailed descriptions of the characters' emotions and actions.
  • Provide more context or relevance to Myles Bass' scene on the balcony to better tie it into the main storyline and create a stronger narrative flow.



Scene 30 -  Urgent Meeting at the Old Warehouse
EXT. BECK’S DILAPIDATED HOME - NIGHT

Beck pulls into the driveway of an old, beaten looking house
and drives into the rear. He gets out of the car with the bag
over his shoulder and enters through the rear entrance.

It’s dark. He takes out his cell phone and shines it ahead
until he finds the electricity box. He turns on the power and
immediately goes over to the table. He drops the bag onto the
table and opens it. He reaches in to the bag and pulls out
the cash which he lets drop to the floor.

He empties the bag upside down and the flash drive falls out.
He picks it up. Examines it. It’s wrong. Totally wrong.

He rushes to his computer and slips it into the USB port.

He opens file after file, but it’s not right. He’s looking
for something else.

BECK
Shit!

He pulls the drive out of the computer, places it in his
pocket and runs out of the house.


INT ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Alex opens his laptop. He takes the drive out of his pocket
and types the address in the URL. He logs in with Sam’s
information.
54.


A dialogue box pops up and says he has 12 messages.

Alex clicks the link which opens within the site. It looks
like a simple email program. He scrolls through messages
until he finds one from Ruby. He opens a message and hits
reply.

ALEX
Sam told me to find you if I needed
help.

He clicks send. He waits and a minute later a message pops
up.

RUBY
Sam?

ALEX
I’m his brother, Alex.

RUBY
Where is Sam?

ALEX
He’s dead.

RUBY
You have something to show me?

ALEX
Yes.

RUBY
You know the old warehouse on Vine
Street that burned down?

ALEX
Yes.

RUBY
Meet me there.

ALEX
How will I find you?

RUBY
Don’t worry. I’ll find you. Make
sure you’re not followed. I’ll know
if you are.

ALEX
Ruby, what is going on? Who are
you?
55.


No response.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Ruby?

A message pops up that Ruby is offline.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Beck arrives at his dilapidated home, retrieves a flash drive from a bag of cash, realizes it's wrong, rushes to his computer to check it, then leaves the house in a hurry. Alex receives the flash drive from Beck, logs into a website, communicates with Ruby, and agrees to meet her at an old warehouse.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable plot twists
  • Limited character development for Ruby

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding mystery and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret exchange of information in a dark and isolated location adds depth to the plot and enhances the suspenseful atmosphere.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Alex connects with Ruby and receives crucial information, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic mystery genre, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Alex and Ruby are intriguing and drive the scene with their interactions, adding depth to their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

Alex undergoes a significant shift as he navigates the dangerous situation and grapples with the loss of his brother, showcasing his resilience and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Beck's internal goal in this scene is to find the right information on the flash drive. This reflects his need for answers and his fear of not being able to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 7

Beck's external goal is to meet Ruby at the old warehouse. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in trying to uncover the mystery surrounding Sam's death.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Alex and Ruby, as well as the overall sense of danger and secrecy, creates a palpable tension that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Beck facing challenges and obstacles that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the exchange, including the risk of being followed and the urgency of the situation, heighten the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up new conflicts and revelations, pushing the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between trust and deception. Beck is unsure of who to trust and is faced with the challenge of navigating a world where people may not be who they seem.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and anticipation, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional states and the unfolding mystery.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to heighten the tension and mystery, effectively conveying the urgency of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, enhancing the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery thriller, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes and the mysterious nature of the flash drive.
  • The actions of Beck in the dilapidated home feel rushed and lack depth, diminishing the impact of his discovery of the wrong flash drive.
  • The transition from Beck's discovery to Alex's interaction with the flash drive feels disjointed and could benefit from a smoother connection.
  • The dialogue between Alex and Ruby lacks depth and emotion, failing to fully capture the gravity of the situation and the characters' motivations.
  • The abrupt ending with Ruby going offline leaves the scene feeling incomplete and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Consider building more suspense and tension in Beck's discovery of the flash drive by adding visual and auditory cues to enhance the atmosphere.
  • Provide more insight into Beck's character and motivations to make his actions more impactful and engaging.
  • Create a smoother transition between Beck's discovery and Alex's interaction with the flash drive to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Alex and Ruby to deepen their connection and add emotional weight to their interaction.
  • Consider a more conclusive ending that leaves the audience with a sense of intrigue and anticipation for the next development in the story.



Scene 31 -  Mysterious Revelation
EXT. KATIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Katie is seated on the steps outside her place. When she sees
Alex pull up she hurries down the steps and climbs into the
front seat.

ALEX
Thanks for coming with me.
KATIE
What’s happened to you? You ghosted
me.

Alex hesitates, tears begin to well up.

ALEX
Sam was murdered.

KATIE
What? Oh my God. Who?

Alex shakes his head, He reaches into his pocket and takes
out the drive.

ALEX
It has something to do with this.

KATIE
What is it?

ALEX
A flash drive of some sort.
She examines it.

KATIE
Never seen anything like it.

She hands it to Alex who puts it back into his pocket.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Katie is shocked when Alex informs her of Sam's murder outside her apartment at night. He shows her a mysterious flash drive, which they both try to decipher. The scene ends with Alex putting the flash drive back in his pocket after Katie examines it, leaving the mystery unresolved.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the significance of the flash drive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency, mystery, and emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a murder investigation intertwined with the discovery of a mysterious flash drive adds depth and complexity to the storyline, creating intrigue and setting up future plot developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Sam's murder and the introduction of the flash drive as a key element in the unfolding mystery, driving the narrative forward and increasing tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a murder mystery but adds a personal and emotional dimension through the characters' relationships and reactions. The authenticity of the dialogue and the gradual reveal of information contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Alex and Katie, show emotional depth and vulnerability in response to the shocking news of Sam's murder, adding layers to their personalities and setting up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Alex, undergo significant emotional changes in response to the shocking news, setting the stage for potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Katie's internal goal in this scene is to understand what has happened to Alex and to offer support and comfort in his time of need. This reflects her deeper desire for connection and empathy towards others.

External Goal: 7.5

Alex's external goal is to seek help and possibly find answers regarding the murder of Sam, which is connected to the flash drive he possesses.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the emotional turmoil of Sam's murder to the mystery surrounding the flash drive, creating a sense of tension and intrigue that drives the story forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, as Katie challenges Alex's actions and motives while Alex grapples with the weight of Sam's murder. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve these conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Sam's murder, the mystery of the flash drive, and the emotional turmoil of the characters raise the tension and importance of the scene, setting the stage for significant developments and revelations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing key plot elements, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and revelations, keeping the audience engaged and eager for more.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of Sam's murder and the mystery surrounding the flash drive. The audience is left wondering about the implications of these events and how the characters will navigate the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, loyalty, and the consequences of one's actions. Katie's accusation of Alex ghosting her challenges his values and integrity, while Alex's revelation of Sam's murder raises questions about justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the revelation of Sam's murder and the characters' raw reactions, creating a powerful and memorable moment in the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional impact of the situation, with Alex and Katie engaging in a heartfelt conversation that reveals their inner turmoil and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity, the mystery surrounding Sam's murder, and the dynamic between the characters. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic moment in a mystery or thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, maintaining tension and engagement.


Critique
  • The emotional impact of the scene could be heightened by delving deeper into Alex's reaction to Sam's death. More emphasis on Alex's grief and shock would make the scene more compelling.
  • The dialogue between Alex and Katie feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural and emotional exchanges. Adding more depth to their conversation would enhance the authenticity of their interaction.
  • The significance of the flash drive as a plot device is not fully explored in this scene. Providing more context or hints about its importance would create a stronger sense of intrigue and suspense for the audience.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions that could enhance the atmosphere and mood. Including details about the surroundings or characters' body language would enrich the storytelling.
  • Katie's reaction to the news of Sam's murder could be more pronounced to reflect the gravity of the situation. Adding layers to her response would add depth to her character and the overall scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding on Alex's emotional turmoil by incorporating internal monologue or physical reactions to convey his grief more vividly.
  • Slow down the pace of the dialogue between Alex and Katie to allow for more emotional beats and realistic pauses in the conversation.
  • Introduce subtle hints or clues about the flash drive's significance to build anticipation and curiosity for the audience.
  • Include sensory details such as sounds, smells, or visual cues to immerse the audience in the scene and enhance the emotional impact.
  • Enhance Katie's reaction to the news by exploring her emotional journey and how she processes the shocking revelation about Sam's murder.



Scene 32 -  The Mysterious Cellar
EXT. VINE STREET WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The warehouse is boarded up. The windows are blacked out and
there are countless posters stuck to the outside wall of the
building.
56.


As they approach the boarded up entrance, a blinding light
shines. Alex looks up and can see a camera. He holds out the
bag. The light goes out.

They wait a few minutes and hear the sound beneath them.
There is a metal plate on the ground and they can hear it
being lifted off the ground, revealing a cellar and stairs.
RUBY (19) pokes his head out and motions for Alex and Katie
to climb down.

It’s dark and the only light is from Ruby’s flashlight. They
climb a ladder leading to an opening in the floor. Light
pours down the hole.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Alex and Katie approach a boarded up warehouse on Vine Street at night and are greeted by a blinding light from a camera. They are led by Ruby to a cellar beneath the warehouse, where the scene ends with them climbing down into the cellar.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mystery
  • Intriguing setting
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its dark and suspenseful tone. The introduction of the underground meeting adds a new layer of complexity to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a clandestine meeting in an abandoned warehouse adds depth to the narrative, revealing more about the characters' motivations and the unfolding mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the characters delve deeper into the mystery surrounding Sam's death and the contents of the flash drive. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic 'secret mission' trope by emphasizing the characters' daring actions and the hidden nature of the location. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' actions and interactions in this scene reveal more about their motivations and relationships. The introduction of Ruby adds a new dynamic to the group.

Character Changes: 6

The introduction of Ruby and the characters' reactions to the unfolding events hint at potential changes in their motivations and alliances, setting the stage for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the hidden entrance and gain access to the cellar. This reflects their desire for adventure and willingness to take risks.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to deliver the bag to Ruby in the cellar. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in gaining access to the secretive location.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the characters facing danger and uncertainty in their pursuit of the truth. The stakes are raised as they navigate the mysterious underground meeting.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and risks in their mission to deliver the bag to Ruby. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene, including the characters' pursuit of the truth and the danger they face in the underground meeting, add urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new elements and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for future revelations and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters face unexpected obstacles and challenges in their mission, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' willingness to break the rules and take risks in order to achieve their goal, and the potential consequences of their actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and curiosity in the audience, drawing them into the characters' dangerous world and setting the stage for future revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is tense and cryptic, reflecting the characters' heightened emotions and the secretive nature of their meeting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its mysterious setting and high-stakes mission. The characters' actions and dialogue create a sense of urgency and excitement.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of urgency and danger.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the tension and pacing of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds suspense and reveals information gradually, following the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense, which is crucial for a scene taking place in a mysterious location like a boarded up warehouse.
  • The introduction of Ruby feels abrupt and lacks development, leaving the audience with questions about who this character is and their role in the story.
  • The transition from the blinding light to Ruby poking his head out is disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build anticipation and intrigue as Alex and Katie descend into the cellar, as the setting and atmosphere could be further utilized to create a sense of danger or mystery.
  • The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience, adding to the overall impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more dialogue or interactions between Alex, Katie, and Ruby to establish their dynamic and provide context for their meeting at the warehouse.
  • Introduce subtle hints or clues throughout the scene to foreshadow upcoming events or reveal more about the mysterious situation they are involved in.
  • Enhance the lighting and sound effects in the cellar to create a sense of unease and suspense, heightening the tension of the scene.
  • Provide more background information on Ruby and his connection to the flash drive or the overall plot, giving the audience a clearer understanding of his role in the story.
  • Revise the pacing of the scene to build up to a climactic moment or reveal that propels the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 33 -  Warehouse Interrogation
INT. VINE STREET WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

They climb out of the hole and find themselves in a dimly lit
warehouse.

ALEX
Ruby?

They follow Ruby through a door into a well lit, large room
where Ruby has five computers set up on card tables.

RUBY
Let’s see it.

He holds out his hand. Alex reaches into his pocket and hands
him the drive.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Ah good. It’s a Trezor Model T.

ALEX
What is it, exactly?

RUBY
It’s a cold storage device for
cryptocurrencies. It’s got ARM
Cortex-M4 processor at 168 MHz
embedded on STM32 F4
microcontroller.

ALEX
Whoa, English. Speak English.

Ruby smirks.

RUBY
It’s a special type of wallet that
stores the user's private keys in a
secure hardware device.
(MORE)
57.

RUBY (CONT’D)
The case is made of a reinforced
plastic providing great durability.
The casing is put together using a
method of ultrasonic welding. No
connective bolts, nails, soldering
materials, or adhesives holding the
case together.

ALEX
So it stores cryptocurrencies? And
you can hack it?

RUBY
Of course.

ALEX
You’ve hacked these before?

RUBY
Not this one, exactly. But I know
it can be done.

ALEX
How?

RUBY
Everything has its vulnerabilities.
We’ll expose them and get in.

ALEX
How long?

RUBY
Hours, days, weeks.

ALEX
No good. I need it now.

RUBY
I need some time. You can comeback
tomorrow.

ALEX
We’re not leaving here without the
Trezor.

RUBY
You’re welcome to stay. Just keep
clear and out of my way.

He leads them into another well lit room. It’s like a surgery
center. There are all kinds of screw drivers, tools,
magnifiers, soldering irons and protective eye wear.
58.


Ruby sits in front of a large screen monitor.

RUBY (CONT’D)
We get one shot at this. We’re
looking for a 4 to 8 digit code
inside this sucker. Once we have
that, you can access and see just
what is one here.
I take a percentage of the coins
that are on this device as payment.

ALEX
We don’t know what’s on there.

RUBY
My take is 10%.
ALEX
10 percent?

RUBY
Do you know how much experience you
need to do this? Listen, I’m a
cryptologist and technology
minimalist. Do you understand what
that means?

ALEX
Tell me.

RUBY
We need to glitch the fault
injection at the right time to
trick the chip to let us have
access to it. We gotta debug, copy
the source code and look for the
seed.

ALEX
The seed?
RUBY
Jesus, the security code.

Alex looks at Katie.

KATIE
You’re very experienced, aren’t
you?

He looks at her like a deer in headlights.
59.


KATIE (CONT’D)
I like the way you know your way
around the source code. But we
don’t even know what is on that
chip. So, why don’t we say 5
percent of what’s found?

ALEX
We should just go.

Katie pouts.

KATIE
But I like Ruby. I think he can
help us. You’ll help us, right
Ruby?
Ruby’s eyes are glazed as he looks at Katie.

RUBY
You’re very beautiful. And, sexy.
But 7.5% Is the lowest I’ll go.

Alex sighs.

ALEX
Okay, okay. 7.5%. Of the number of
coins.

RUBY
Value of the coins.

ALEX
Now you’re being a hog.

RUBY
The number of coins. It’s probably
a big waste of my time. But I have
a minimum of two grand.

ALEX
Fine.

RUBY
Okay. Let’s crack this baby open.

Ruby sits on a round stool in front of a well lit desk with
tools and a large computer screen.

He plugs in the device. It lights up green.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Okay, at least we know it’s
operational.
60.


He unplugs it and picks up an Exacto knife. He carefully cuts
the side of the case where there is a ridge until it comes
apart like a pistachio.

He turns and shows Alex and Katie the chip inside.

RUBY (CONT’D)
This is what you came for.

He places a magnifier on his head and pulls down the viewer.
He takes the tip of the Exacto and peels back a layer of
silicon.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Have to be careful here. I don’t
want to disturb the chip. But I
need to peel away these layers of
silicon and tape.

He picks up a small bottle with a clear liquid inside it and
carefully lets a little drop fall on to the chip. He then
wipes it with a special clothe.

He places a magnifier over his eyes.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Now, I have to remove the
capacitators to make it more
susceptible to glitching.

He uses the Exacto knife carefully and then picks up a
soldering iron.

RUBY (CONT’D)
I’m soldering the external
connectors to the Trezor.

He removes the magnifier and places it on the table. He then
picks up a USB cable that is connected to his computer.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Here we go folks. If it lights up
we can move on. If it doesn’t
you’re screwed.

He plugs it in and it turns green.

Then, the computer screen lights up. He begins typing a code
into the dialogue box.

RUBY (CONT’D)
It’ll do offset loops until it
glitches. Once it glitches, we can
get the code we need.
61.


ALEX
How will you know when it
glitches?

Ruby grins.

RUBY
I programmed it to say something.

He looks at Katie and then at the ground, snickering.

ALEX
How long?

RUBY
Could be hours. Days. Even weeks
before it glitches. So, we wait.
Get comfortable people.

There is a montage of them sitting, moving around, ordering
food. The sun goes down and they still are waiting.

The screen finally blips, but Ruby appears worried now.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Shit. We got a problem.

ALEX
What is it?

RUBY
That blip there on the device
should be solid. Now, it’s not.

Ruby puts on his magnifier and picks up the Exacto and pokes
around the Trezor.

He runs a few programs on his computer then sits back.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Okay. Okay. I diagnosed the
problem.

ALEX
And?

RUBY
The ground wasn’t connected
properly. I fixed it so, it should
resume where we left off.

Montage continues, Pizza and steak sandwiches are delivered.
Sun comes up. They are in various positions on chairs and the
couch.
62.


Then, without warning...

TREZOR
You are beautiful.

Ruby practically falls out of his chair.

RUBY
Holy shit, I was right.

He quickly runs an external program to extract the RAM.

RUBY (CONT’D)
Okay, I copied the contents of the
Trezor onto my hard drive. Now
comes the fun part.
ALEX
Which is?

RUBY
The money shot, of course.

ALEX
Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the money
shot?

RUBY
I wrote a program to search the
billion lines of code we’d have to
look through for a 4 to 8 digit
number. I should find your recovery
seed and you can access the
contents of the Trezor.

He presses start and the source code starts to scroll down
the computer.

KATIE
That’s a lot of code. How will you
know when it finds it?
He smiles, devilishly.

RUBY
Oh, you’ll know.

He sits back and watches the screen.

Then, as if on cue, the computer says:

COMPUTER VOICE
How about a date?
63.


Katie bursts out laughing. Alex looks mad.

Ruby points to the source code.

RUBY
That’s your money shot! 5-8-3-4-5

He connects the Trezor to a lap top and sits on the couch
between Alex and Katie.

The computer asks for the code and Ruby types it in.

A home page appears with an account balance of 2608.

ALEX
Are you fucking kidding me? All
this for $2608?

Ruby stands up and puts the computer down. He rubs his hands
on his thighs, nervously.

RUBY
Um, excuse me. No.

ALEX
No what?

RUBY
It’s not two thousand and six
hundred and eight dollars.

Alex looks confused.

Ruby hits a key on the computer.

RUBY (CONT’D)
It’s sixty fucking million dollars!

ALEX AND KATIE
What?
RUBY
At todays value of $23,453 for a
bitcoin, that’s sixty million
dollars that you have right there.

Alex picks up his gun and places it in his jacket pocket.

ALEX
We need to go.
64.


RUBY
Um, we need to settle up, first. By
my calculation, you owe me 196.65
Bitcoin.

ALEX
Four million dollars? You want me
to hand over four million dollars?

RUBY
You can Venmo it.

Ruby smiles and unplugs the Trezor.

RUBY (CONT’D)
I know your good for it since I
have a copy of that, now, on my
hard drive. I also have the code.
So, if I don’t receive $4.5 Million
dollars or 169 bitcoin by lets
say...two o’clock, it’s all mine.

KATIE
We’ll pay it.

RUBY
One other thing.

He holds his hands together in prayer.

RUBY (CONT’D)
I get to kiss Katie.

ALEX
Ha. Kidding, right?

RUBY
It’s not everyday a beautiful woman
pays attention to me. A little kiss
wouldn’t hurt.
Katie steps toward Ruby. She places her right hand behind his
head and slowly moves in for a kiss. At the last minute, she
steps onto her tippy toes and kisses him on the forehead.

KATIE
I’ll never forget what you did for
us.

Ruby’s face is glowing.

Alex takes her hand.
65.


ALEX
Let’s go.

They walk to the car. Ruby stands at the door and waves.

As they drive away, Katie throws him an air kiss which he
catches and throws back.


EXT PENNSYLVANIA HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Alex and Katie walk down street toward Pennsylvania
Hospital. They enter through the sliding glass doors.


INT PENNSYLVANIA HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Alex and Katie ride the elevator to the fifth floor.

The elevator doors open and Alex and Katie step out.


INT FIFTH FLOOR - PENNSYLVANIA HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Alex and Katie walk into Room 505.

Giovanni is hooked up to an IV, a blood pressure cup, and an
oxygen mask.

KATIE
Maybe we should come back.

GIOVANNI
No.

He opens his eyes and smiles at Katie.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
Katie.

KATIE
Hi Giovanni.

She gives him an awkward hug.

ALEX
How are you feeling, Giovanni?

GIOVANNI
Better. Ticker is still ticking.

ALEX
Heart attack?
66.


GIOVANNI
They want to keep me overnight for
observation.

Giovanni sighs heavily.

GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
I don’t know anymore. I’m a
stubborn old man. Maybe it’s time.

ALEX
What are you talking about? That’s
not the Giovanni Gianca that I
know.

Giovanni stares.
ALEX (CONT’D)
No, you can’t give in now Gio. Not
now.

GIOVANNI
So now you see who you’re dealing
with. These people are serious.
They are killers.

Giovanni coughs. A nurse comes in.

NURSE
Visiting hours are long over. It’s
time.

Giovanni takes Alex’s hand.

GIOVANNI
Go. Watch out for those thugs. If
I have to I will leave against
medical advice.

He sighs heavily.
GIOVANNI (CONT’D)
I’m afraid the information I had
against the Bass Organization is in
their hands now.

ALEX
Giovanni, That’s not altogether
true.

GIOVANNI
What do you mean?
67.


ALEX
I have the drive.

Giovanni lights up.

GIOVANNI
What how?

ALEX
Sam. He stole it.

GIOVANNI
Do you know what this means? You’ve
saved us. You’ve saved us.

He raises his hands in the air in exultation.

The nurse comes back in.

NURSE
Shh. Too much noise.

GIOVANNI
This man saved the day, Madame. He
saved the day!

The nurse shushes him with her finger over her mouth as she
escorts Alex and Katie out.


INT KATIE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Alex stands by the window.

A black van is parked across the street.

Alex turns to Katie.

He steps away from the window.

ALEX
We need to go.

KATIE
Where?

Alex looks out the window. Beck and another man get out of
the van.

ALEX
Move. Now.

He rushes her and guides her to the door. He opens it and
Looks down the hall.
68.


ALEX (CONT’D)
Back stairs? Which way?

KATIE
To the right.

They run down the hall.

Behind them the elevator dings.

Alex opens the exit door.

ALEX
Up or down?

KATIE
Up. There’s a walk way to the
building next door. We share the
roof deck.

They run up the steps and push open the door to the roof.

Katie leads the way over the narrow walkway between
buildings.

The door to the building is open. They pass through and take
the stairs all the way down.

ALEX
We’ll head out the back way.

KATIE
Our parking lots are connected. My
car is in the far lot.

Alex throws open the door to the ground level. They spill out
onto the street behind the building.

KATIE (CONT’D)
This way.
They run across the parking lot.

KATIE (CONT’D)
Over there.

She points at a red Volkswagen Beetle.

He climbs into the passenger side. .

She starts the engine and pulls out.
69.


A RAM 150 backs into her car. Beck leaps from the cabin of
the truck and runs toward Katie’s car. He climbs into the
back seat.


INT KATIE’S CAR - NIGHT

Beck taps Alex on the side of the head with the nose of his
gun.

BECK
Tough guy, huh?

KATIE
Where exactly am I going?

BECK
We got a long night ahead of us,
sweetheart.

He rubs the nose of the gun along her cheek. She swerves
deliberately, knocking him against the door.


BECK (CONT’D)
Not funny bitch.

She speeds up.

BECK (CONT’D)
I wouldn’t.

He holds gun up to Alex’s head.

ALEX
Keep going. He won’t shoot me.

She speeds up.

BECK
Don’t tempt me. Slow down, bitch.
He whacks Alex on the side of the head with the butt of his
gun.

BECK (CONT’D)
Slow down and drive right.

He whacks Alex again on the side of the head.

Alex holds his bleeding head.

ALEX
Keep going!
70.


Katie looks at Alex. She takes her foot off gas, slowing down
to the speed limit.

BECK
Atta girl. He rubs the gun on her
ear. Atta girl.

He then whacks Alex one more time.


EXT WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Katie pulls into driveway of a warehouse. A man opens the
garage door and Katie is instructed to pull in.

BECK
Right over there is fine.

Alex moans, sits up and looks out window. Car door opens.

TOMMY
Get out.

Alex looks up at the man standing in front of him. TOMMY
(20s) reaches down and grabs Alex by the arm and pulls him
out. Katie gets out and rushes to Alex’s side. Holds him
up.

Alex squints.

Tommy whips out a knife and holds it against Alex’s throat.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Should I do him here?

BECK
Unfortunately, we need you alive
for now. We can have some fun with
this one. Take them to the back.

Alex and Katie roughly are taken through swinging doors.

INT WAREHOUSE - REAR - NIGHT

A television is on the far wall. The baseball game is on.
Game three. Phils are up 7 to nothing. Beck eyes the
television and shakes his head.

BECK
Fucking Phils.

Tommy motions for Alex and Katie to sit on the couch.
71.


TOMMY
Your problem, Beck, is you always
pick the losers. I mean the Phils
are going all the way.

BECK
As a faithful Texan, I disagree.

Alex goes to stand.

Tommy jumps at him and pushes him back down.

Tommy and Beck are whispering back and forth. Tommy turns
and clasps hands together.

TOMMY
Okay, here’s how it’s going to be,
Alex. We’re going to ask you some
simple questions. You are going to
answer. If not, we start working on
this pretty number.

KATIE
He’s not giving you shit!

Beck slaps her.

ALEX
I don’t know anything.

TOMMY
First: Where is this drive?

ALEX
How should I know? Listen, fellas,
you got it all wrong.

Beck motions at Tommy. Tommy steps over to Katie and hits
her again.

ALEX (CONT’D)
C’mon man! Leave her. We don’t
know anything.

TOMMY
Stop lying.

He pistol whips Alex. He searches Alex’s pockets and finds
the Trezor.

Tommy opens up his computer and inserts the USB. A passcode
protection page appears.
72.


TOMMY (CONT’D)
Now, tell me what the code is and
we’ll make this as painless as
possible.

KATIE
Go to hell.

He grabs her by the hair and pulls her head back. He
straddles her and kisses neck.

BECK
You smell good.

Alex struggles.
ALEX
Get off her.

BECK
Mmmm, look at these fine titays.

He cuts her shirt away. Leaving her in her bra.

TOMMY
This is on you Alex. Cut her loose
and take her to the back room.

Beck laughs and claps his hands together. He grabs a bottle
of whiskey.

Katie struggles as Beck cuts her loose. Hands free, she
scratches his face. He strikes her and she falls to the
ground.

ALEX
Okay, okay. I’ll give you the
code. But you have to let her go.

Beck stands Katie up next to him.
BECK
Start talking.

KATIE
Don’t!

ALEX
Let her go.

Beck pushes toward the door.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Run!
73.


She hesitates.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Run!

Beck fires a shot into the air. Katie is frozen in place.

Beck walks up to Alex and strikes him in the face.

Katie runs toward him and Beck catches by the wrists and
drags her into the back.

Tommy, meanwhile, is holding Alex who struggles to get free.

Beck takes Katie into the back.
Alex watches as the door closes. He throws his entire body
into Tommy’s and knocks him down. They are fighting for the
gun. It goes flying onto the ground.

They are wrestling when they hear a loud screech of a man
from the other room.

Tommy freezes for a second. The door to the room opens and
Beck runs out with blood pouring from his crotch area. Katie
comes out of the room with blood on her face.

Alex strikes Tommy, rolls him onto his back and lunges for
the gun. He grabs it and hits Tommy in the head several times
until he is subdued.

Beck is lying face down on the couch crying and in agony.
Alex walks up to him. He grabs a handful of his hair and
pulls his head back.

BECK
I’m gonna kill you!

Alex hits him several times in the head with the butt of the
gun.
Hand bloodied, he looks back at Katie who is wiping the blood
from her chin.

He bashes Beck one last time.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Alex and Katie are taken to a dimly lit warehouse where they are interrogated by Beck and Tommy. Tommy tries to get the passcode from Alex while Beck becomes violent towards Katie. A struggle ensues, but Alex eventually overpowers Tommy and Beck, saving Katie from further harm.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Violent content
  • Graphic scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a gripping plot, well-developed characters, intense conflict, and emotional impact. The high stakes and violent confrontation add to the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a heist involving a cryptocurrency wallet is unique and adds a modern twist to the traditional crime thriller genre. The scene effectively explores themes of betrayal, survival, and desperation, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured, with a clear progression of events leading to a climactic confrontation. The tension builds steadily throughout the scene, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on hacking and cryptocurrency theft, blending action with technical expertise and moral ambiguity. The characters' interactions and decisions feel authentic and unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, driving the conflict and emotional impact of the scene. The dynamic between Alex, Katie, Beck, and Tommy adds depth to the narrative and enhances the overall tension.

Character Changes: 7

Alex undergoes a transformation from a reluctant participant to a determined survivor, willing to do whatever it takes to protect Katie. This change in his character adds depth to the narrative and enhances the emotional impact of the scene.

Internal Goal: 9

Alex's internal goal is to protect Katie and navigate the dangerous situation they are in. He also wants to retrieve the drive and ensure their safety.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to retrieve the Trezor device and access the valuable information it contains. They are also trying to outsmart the antagonists and escape the dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the narrative forward. The physical confrontation, emotional turmoil, and high stakes create a sense of urgency and danger, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical threats, moral dilemmas, and conflicting goals. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives on the line, a valuable drive at risk, and a violent confrontation unfolding. The sense of danger, urgency, and desperation adds intensity to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information about the drive, escalating the conflict between the characters, and setting up future events. The high stakes and intense action propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected twists, and high-risk situations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of hacking and stealing, as well as the value of human life versus material wealth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and empathy for the characters. The violent confrontation, emotional turmoil, and high stakes add to the emotional impact, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the tension of the scene. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding depth to their interactions and enhancing the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and moral dilemmas. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, escalating action, and maintaining audience interest. It keeps the story moving forward and the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. It follows the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with escalating tension, action beats, and character development. It maintains a fast pace and keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It's not clear why Ruby is helping Alex and Katie, and his sudden change in attitude towards them feels forced.
  • The dialogue between Ruby and Alex is overly technical and filled with jargon, making it difficult for the audience to follow and connect with the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and drawn out, with unnecessary details and actions that do not contribute to the overall plot or character development.
  • The violence and threats towards Katie are gratuitous and do not add depth to the scene or the characters involved.
  • The resolution of the scene feels rushed and lacks emotional impact, especially considering the intense and violent build-up.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Ruby's motivations and establish a more believable reason for him to help Alex and Katie.
  • Simplify the technical dialogue to make it more accessible to the audience and focus on the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Streamline the action and remove unnecessary details to improve the pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • Reconsider the portrayal of violence towards Katie and find a more nuanced way to create tension and conflict in the scene.
  • Enhance the resolution by building up to a more impactful and emotionally resonant conclusion that ties up loose ends and leaves a lasting impression.



Scene 34 -  Tensions Rise
INT. KATIE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Katie is in the bathroom gargling.

She throws down the towel and walks into the bedroom. She
sits on the bed. He sits beside her and rubs her back.
74.


ALEX
I’m sorry.

She looks at him.

KATIE
Not your fault. And I appreciated
you bashing his head in.

She shakes her head.

Alex rises and places his hand on her head.

ALEX
I’m thankful you are okay.

He heads to the door and looks back.

KATIE
I’m going to my place. Let’s meet
in the restaurant.


INT HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Myles stands at the window staring down. His secretary is
sitting by his desk.

MYLES
Where the fuck are those two
clowns? Call them again. This ends
today.

His secretary rises and goes out to her office.

Myles dials a number and slams the phone down.

MYLES (CONT’D)
Son of a bitch! Get me Beck! Get
the car ready.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Katie and Alex have a heartfelt conversation in her apartment building, while Myles grows increasingly frustrated at headquarters. The conflict revolves around recent events, with Myles demanding answers and taking action, while Katie and Alex show concern for each other's well-being. The scene ends with Myles angrily calling for Beck and preparing to leave in a car.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Revelation of key information
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution for certain plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and emotionally impactful, with a high level of conflict and significant character changes. It moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation in a warehouse setting, involving violence and a revelation of important information, is well-executed and engaging. It adds depth to the plot and characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly through the confrontation and revelation in the scene. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the aftermath of a violent event, focusing on the characters' emotional responses and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly Alex who overpowers Tommy and Beck to save Katie. Their motivations and relationships are further developed, adding complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Alex undergoes a significant character change by overcoming his fears and saving Katie from danger. This experience shapes his future actions and decisions, leading to further development of his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Katie's internal goal in this scene is to process the recent events and emotions she's experienced, particularly in relation to the danger she faced. It reflects her need for safety, security, and emotional support.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make plans for the next steps in dealing with the situation at hand, as seen in the decision to meet in a restaurant.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with physical violence and emotional tension between the characters. The stakes are raised, leading to a dramatic confrontation and resolution.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as seen in Myles' frustration and determination to resolve the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are faced with physical danger, emotional turmoil, and life-changing decisions. The outcome of the confrontation has far-reaching consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the Trezor drive and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It propels the narrative towards its climax and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting emotions and the uncertain outcome of their decisions. The audience is left wondering how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral compasses and the choices they make in response to the events. It challenges their beliefs about violence, loyalty, and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the characters and the audience, as they are forced to confront difficult truths and make life-changing decisions. The tension and drama evoke strong emotions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing key information about the characters and their motivations. It drives the conflict forward and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension in their interactions, and the unresolved conflicts that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and reflection, creating a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The transition from Katie gargling in the bathroom to sitting on the bed with Alex feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow.
  • The dialogue between Alex and Katie is a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The emotional depth of the scene could be enhanced by exploring Katie's feelings and reactions more deeply.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • The interaction between Alex and Katie could be more dynamic and engaging to capture the audience's attention.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Katie gargling in the bathroom and sitting on the bed with Alex to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Alex and Katie to make it more natural and nuanced, adding depth to their interaction.
  • Explore Katie's emotional journey and reactions more deeply to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Include more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • Focus on making the interaction between Alex and Katie more dynamic and engaging to keep the audience invested in their relationship and the unfolding story.



Scene 35 -  Deadly Standoff on the Yacht
EXT. KATIE’S APARTMENT - DAY

A black SUV pulls up to Katie’s apartment.

Mo and Lou get out and walk casually up the steps to the
apartment.


EXT GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - DAY

Alex sits at bar having a drink. He is alone. He dials
Katie’s number. It goes to voicemail.
75.


BARTENDER
You look like shite.

Alex tosses a ten dollar bill onto the bar.

He takes out his phone and dials. Voice mail.

His phone rings.

ALEX
Katie?

MYLES (V.O.)
Wondering where your girl is?

ALEX
MYLES?

MYLES (V.O.
That’s right. You think you can
steal from me? God damn amateurs.

ALEX
Where is she?

MYLES (V.O.)
In a safe place for now.

ALEX
Myles whatever you’re thinking...

MYLES (V.O.)
You have no idea who I am or what I
am thinking. Where are you?

Alex closes his eyes.

ALEX
Gio’s.

MYLES (V.O.)
Stay put.

He hangs up.

Mo and Lou walk in.

ALEX
C’mon guys.
76.


EXT ATLANTIC OCEAN - MYLES’ YACHT

Alex sits in a small bedroom, tries the door however it is
locked.

Alex looks out a small window and sees the ocean.

He hears voices outside the door.

Lou walks in.

LOU
Hey kid.

ALEX
I can make you very rich.

Lou chuckles.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Seriously.

Lou motions for Alex to be quiet.

LOU
Mr. Bass wants to see you.

ALEX
Where’s Katie?

LOU
On deck. Go ahead.

He ushers Alex out of the cabin and down the narrow hall. It
opens into a big living room area.

ALEX
Big boat.

LOU
Yes it is.
They go up the steps to the main deck. Sun’s shining. Myles
is in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. Katie is seated in the
corner. When she sees Alex, she leaps to her feet and they
embrace.

KATIE
Thank God you’re okay.

ALEX
You okay?

He touches her cheek.
77.


MYLES
Sweet lovebirds.

He laughs.

MYLES (CONT’D)
A rare find.

Myles motions at Lou.

Lou grabs Katie and puts a gun to her head. He whispers in
her ear.

LOU
Hang tough.
MYLES
This should be an easy decision for
you.

ALEX
Put the gun down, Lou.

ALEX (CONT’D)
I’ll give you the code. But put
the gun down.

Lou looks at Myles. Myles shrugs.

MYLES
Fine. Give it.

Alex hesitates.


MYLES (CONT’D)
Shoot her.

He points at Katie. Lou points his gun at her.

ALEX
Wait!

MYLES
Shoot her.

Lou looks at Mo, shakes his head.

Mo points his gun at her. He hesitates.

Lou shifts his eyes away from Mo.

MYLES (CONT’D)
I said shoot her!
78.


Myles pulls out a gun and points it at Katie. Alex pushes her
to the ground as Myles pulls the trigger, striking him in the
leg.

Lou points his gun at Myles, but hesitates.

Myles raises his gun and shoots Lou. As he falls, Lou shoots
Myles.

The gun falls near Alex. He picks it up.

Myles is wounded. He turns to Mo and points at Alex.

MYLES (CONT’D)
Shoot him.
Mo looks at Lou who is dying.

Mo raises his gun, but the sound of a gun going off startles
him.

Myles’ is struck by a bullet and he falls overboard.

Alex drops the gun.

Mo stands by the edge of the boat as Myles’ body floats to
the surface.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Action"]

Summary Alex is lured to Myles' yacht where he finds Katie held at gunpoint. A tense standoff ensues, resulting in a shootout where Myles and Lou are killed. The scene takes place on Myles' yacht in the Atlantic Ocean during the day. The main conflict is Alex trying to save Katie from Myles and Lou's threats, which is resolved through a series of gunshots. The emotional tone is intense and suspenseful, with key dialogue including Myles ordering Lou to shoot Katie and the final confrontation that leads to Myles and Lou's deaths. The scene ends with Myles falling overboard after being shot, leaving Alex and Katie in a state of shock and relief.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful dialogue
  • Dramatic climax
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation
  • Betrayal
  • Life-threatening situation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and a shocking turn of events. The high stakes and emotional impact make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a deadly confrontation on a yacht adds a unique and thrilling element to the scene. The betrayal and violence heighten the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot reaches a climactic moment with the confrontation on the yacht, revealing the true nature of the characters and their motivations. The scene advances the story significantly and sets up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh approach to the classic hostage situation trope, with unexpected twists and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and decisions drive the conflict in the scene, showcasing their true colors under pressure. The dynamic between Alex, Katie, Myles, Lou, and Mo adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, revealing their true nature and motivations. The events on the yacht challenge their beliefs and loyalties, leading to transformative moments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his loved one and navigate a dangerous situation. This reflects his deeper need for security and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and outsmart the antagonist. This reflects the immediate challenge of being held captive on a yacht by dangerous criminals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving betrayal, violence, and life-threatening situations. The power struggle between the characters escalates to a dramatic climax.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with multiple characters facing off against each other in a life-or-death situation. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with lives on the line, betrayals exposed, and power struggles reaching a boiling point. The characters' fates hang in the balance, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving conflicts, revealing new information, and setting up future events. The dramatic climax on the yacht changes the dynamics between the characters and raises the stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the moral dilemma of sacrificing one life to save another. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, shock, and empathy for the characters in peril. The emotional stakes are high, leading to a powerful and memorable moment in the screenplay.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense, impactful, and drives the conflict forward. The characters' interactions reveal their motivations and add layers to the scene, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on the edge of their seat throughout.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense, with well-timed action beats and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear build-up of tension and a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between locations, making it confusing for the audience to follow the action.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, especially in the interactions between Alex, Myles, Lou, and Mo.
  • The tension and suspense in the scene are not effectively built up, resulting in a lackluster climax.
  • The character motivations are unclear, particularly Lou and Mo's sudden hesitations and actions.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the atmosphere and setting.
Suggestions
  • Add clear scene transitions to indicate changes in location and time.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Build up the tension and suspense gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful climax.
  • Clarify the character motivations and actions to make them more believable and consistent.
  • Include more visual descriptions and details to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the scene.



Scene 36 -  Hospital Policy
INT. CENTRAL HOSPITAL - DAY

Alex stands in his hospital room without a shirt. He has a
bandage wrapped around his hand, foot and leg.

He looks over his shoulder as Katie comes into the hospital
room with a wheelchair.

ALEX
I can walk.

KATIE
They said it’s hospital policy.

He sighs, grabs the plastic bag with belongings and sits in
the wheelchair.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Alex, a patient with bandages on his hand, foot, and leg, is in his hospital room where Katie, the caregiver, brings a wheelchair for him to use. Despite Alex's protest that he can walk, Katie insists it's hospital policy. The conflict is resolved when Alex reluctantly sits in the wheelchair, conveying a tone of frustration and resignation.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of aftermath
  • Maintaining tension
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the aftermath of the previous intense events, maintaining tension and setting the stage for further developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of characters dealing with the aftermath of violence and facing hospital policies adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as characters deal with the consequences of their actions, hinting at future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting (hospital) but adds a fresh perspective by focusing on the protagonist's struggle with maintaining independence in the face of institutional rules. The dialogue feels authentic and reflects the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resilience and vulnerability in the face of adversity, deepening their development.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show signs of growth and adaptation as they confront the challenges they face.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his independence and autonomy despite his injuries. This reflects his deeper need for control and self-sufficiency.

External Goal: 7

Alex's external goal in this scene is to comply with the hospital policy and follow the rules. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his injuries and the healthcare system.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While the physical conflict has subsided, there is still an underlying tension and potential for further conflicts to arise.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's goals, but not so overwhelming that the outcome is certain.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes remain high as the characters deal with the aftermath of violence and face potential new threats.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showing the characters' reactions to recent events and hinting at future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the outcome, as the protagonist ultimately complies with the hospital policy. However, the emotional conflict adds depth to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between individual autonomy and institutional rules. Alex values his independence, while the hospital enforces policies for the safety and well-being of patients.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy for the characters as they navigate the aftermath of violence and trauma.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and the situation they find themselves in.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable conflict between personal autonomy and institutional rules, drawing the audience into the protagonist's dilemma.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the internal and external conflicts faced by the protagonist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay set in a hospital room.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic moment in a hospital setting, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the action.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and suspenseful shootout on Myles' yacht to Alex in his hospital room feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection.
  • The dialogue between Alex and Katie in the hospital room is somewhat flat and lacks depth, considering the high-stakes events that just transpired.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development to reflect the aftermath of the violent encounter with Myles and Lou.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the psychological impact of the shootout on Alex and Katie, as well as their relationship dynamics in the aftermath.
  • The hospital setting could be utilized more effectively to convey the physical and emotional toll of the recent events on the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or introspective moments for Alex to delve into his thoughts and emotions after the traumatic events.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Alex and Katie to reflect their emotional state and the complexities of their relationship post-shootout.
  • Introduce subtle gestures or actions to convey the characters' emotional turmoil, such as Alex fidgeting with the bandages or Katie's worried expression.
  • Explore the hospital environment to create a more immersive setting that enhances the mood and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating flashbacks or memories from the shootout to provide context and deepen the impact of the hospital scene.



Scene 37 -  The Decision
INT. ALEX’S APARTMENT - DAY

Alex and Katie walk into his apartment. He immediately moves
the carpeting and pries up the floorboard. He gets the Trezor
device.
79.


KATIE
What are you going to do with it?

ALEX
I’ve thought long and hard about
it. It would be easy to keep it.

He pauses and looks at it.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Giovanni said to me that decisions
you make will define who you are as
a person.

He rises and gets an envelope. He places the Trezor into it
and writes the passcode on the envelope.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Alex and Katie enter Alex's apartment where Alex retrieves a Trezor device hidden under a floorboard. He contemplates what to do with it, reflecting on Giovanni's advice about decisions defining a person. Ultimately, Alex decides to put the Trezor in an envelope with the passcode written on it, resolving his internal conflict.
Strengths
  • Exploration of moral dilemma
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Pacing may be slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the internal conflict and moral dilemma faced by the protagonist, adding depth to the character development and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of moral decision-making and its impact on identity is well-executed, providing a thought-provoking moment for the audience.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Alex makes a crucial decision regarding the Trezor device, setting the stage for potential consequences in the future.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the classic theme of moral decision-making, presenting a unique twist with the inclusion of high-tech elements and mentorship dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Alex and Katie are further developed through their interaction in this scene, showcasing their values and beliefs.

Character Changes: 7

Alex undergoes a significant internal change as he reflects on his values and makes a moral decision, showcasing growth in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision that aligns with his values and sense of self. This reflects his deeper need for integrity and moral clarity, as well as his fear of making the wrong choice and facing consequences.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to secure the Trezor device in a safe and responsible manner. This reflects the immediate challenge of handling valuable and potentially dangerous technology.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is more internal, as Alex grapples with his decision, rather than external action.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Alex faces a difficult moral choice that challenges his values and beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high on a personal level for Alex, as his decision could have lasting implications on his identity and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Alex's moral dilemma and setting up potential consequences for future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Alex's decision is uncertain, creating suspense and intrigue for the audience. The moral complexity adds an element of unpredictability to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal gain and moral responsibility. Alex must decide whether to keep the Trezor device for his own benefit or to act ethically and protect it from misuse.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is driven by Alex's internal struggle and the weight of his decision, engaging the audience on a deeper level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Alex and Katie reveals their inner thoughts and motivations, adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling moral dilemma that resonates with the audience's own ethical considerations. The tension and emotional depth draw the viewer into the protagonist's internal struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as Alex grapples with his decision. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a logical progression of events, leading to a clear resolution of the protagonist's dilemma. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional impact, especially considering the intense events that have just transpired in the previous scenes. There is an opportunity to explore Alex's internal struggle and the weight of his decisions in a more profound way.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat flat and could be more engaging. It would be beneficial to delve deeper into Alex's thought process and emotional state as he contemplates what to do with the Trezor device.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting. Adding details about the apartment and Alex's actions could enhance the overall atmosphere.
  • The interaction between Alex and Katie feels somewhat superficial given the gravity of the situation. There is room to deepen their connection and explore their emotions in a more meaningful way.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build tension and suspense, leading to a more impactful resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or reflections from Alex to provide insight into his inner turmoil and the significance of his decision regarding the Trezor device.
  • Enhance the dialogue to convey the weight of the situation and the moral dilemma Alex is facing. This could involve more meaningful exchanges between Alex and Katie that reveal their emotions and motivations.
  • Include sensory details and visual cues to create a more immersive environment. Describe Alex's actions with the Trezor device and the envelope in a way that enhances the tension and drama of the scene.
  • Explore the relationship between Alex and Katie further by incorporating moments of vulnerability and connection. This could deepen their bond and add emotional depth to the scene.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to build suspense and anticipation, leading to a more impactful resolution. Consider adding moments of conflict or uncertainty to heighten the stakes and engage the audience.



Scene 38 -  The Envelope of Trust
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY

Tony Cottelle walks up to Alex and shakes his good hand. They
sit outside underneath an open awning.

MR. COTTELLE
So, tough few weeks since Gio’s
murder.

ALEX
It has been.

MR. COTTELLE
You said you had something for me
that you thought Gio wanted me to
have?

ALEX
Gio said I could trust you. That
you were one of the good guys.

He places the envelope on the table and pushes it toward
Cottelle.
ALEX (CONT’D)
We need to talk about the future of
Gio Cucino.

MR. COTTELLE
That’s all well and good, but Gio
is dead. He was Gio Cucina.

ALEX
His spirit is still with us.

He points at the envelope.
80.


MR. COTTELLE
What’s that?

ALEX
Gio always said to trust you.

Cottelle smiles.

MR. COTTELLE
Good old Gio.

Alex pushes the envelope toward Cottelle.

MR. COTTELLE (CONT’D)
You know, there are a lot of people
looking for this.
Alex nods.

MR. COTTELLE (CONT’D)
Then I think I know what we need to
do.

Cottelle stands and puts the envelope in his breast pocket.

MR. COTTELLE (CONT’D)
See you around.

ALEX
I’m counting on it.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Tony Cottelle meets with Alex at Starbucks to discuss the future of Gio Cucino. Alex entrusts Cottelle with an envelope from Gio, symbolizing trust and responsibility. Cottelle agrees to help, addressing the conflicts of Gio's murder and the uncertainty of Gio Cucino's future. The scene ends with Cottelle taking the envelope, leaving Alex with hope and reliance on him.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the dialogue and interactions between the characters. It sets up a crucial turning point in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exchanging a mysterious envelope containing important information adds intrigue and suspense to the scene. It introduces a key plot element that will likely drive the story forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Alex hands over the envelope, hinting at larger implications and secrets surrounding Gio Cucina's death. The scene sets up a new direction for the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of loyalty, trust, and betrayal in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Alex and Mr. Cottelle are intriguing and mysterious, with hidden motives and agendas. Their interactions add depth to the scene and hint at complex relationships.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential transformations and revelations in the future. The characters' motives and loyalties are called into question.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal in this scene is to honor Gio's memory and legacy by ensuring that his wishes are carried out. This reflects Alex's loyalty, sense of duty, and desire to do right by his friend, even in the face of potential danger.

External Goal: 7

Alex's external goal is to pass on the envelope to Mr. Cottelle and potentially secure a future for Gio Cucina's business or legacy. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the criminal underworld and maintaining trust and alliances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Alex and Mr. Cottelle, while subtle, is palpable due to the underlying tension and the high stakes involved in the exchange of the envelope. The scene is charged with suspense and anticipation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. The characters face obstacles and challenges that test their loyalties and beliefs, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the exchange of crucial information related to Gio Cucina's death, hinting at larger conspiracies and dangers. The characters' fates and the direction of the plot are at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new plot element and raising questions about the true nature of Gio Cucina's legacy. It sets the stage for future conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and hidden agendas at play. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions and loyalties.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, loyalty, and the blurred lines between right and wrong in the criminal world. Alex must grapple with his beliefs about honor and loyalty in the face of potential betrayal or danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and anticipation rather than deep emotional resonance. The focus is more on suspense and mystery than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is cryptic, tense, and loaded with subtext, adding layers of meaning to the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' hidden intentions and sets the tone for future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing premise, well-developed characters, and subtle tension. The audience is drawn into the characters' world and motivations, eager to see how the story unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of decision. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's emotional impact and narrative momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize. The scene directions are concise and descriptive, enhancing the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and effective structure, with a well-defined setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the scene's tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene at Starbucks lacks a sense of urgency or tension considering the recent events that have taken place in the story. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional depth, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • The interaction between Alex and Mr. Cottelle could benefit from more subtext and nuance to reflect the complex emotions and stakes involved. The conversation feels somewhat superficial and could be more impactful with added layers of meaning.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience. Adding gestures, expressions, or movements could help convey the characters' emotions and intentions more effectively.
  • The dialogue exchange between Alex and Mr. Cottelle feels somewhat predictable and lacks surprises or twists that could keep the audience engaged. Adding unexpected revelations or conflicting motives could add depth to the scene.
  • Overall, the scene at Starbucks could be strengthened by injecting more tension, emotional depth, and unpredictability to make it more compelling and impactful within the context of the larger story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to add more subtext, emotional depth, and complexity to reflect the characters' internal struggles and the gravity of the situation.
  • Introduce more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and convey the characters' emotions and intentions more effectively.
  • Explore adding unexpected twists or revelations to the scene to keep the audience engaged and create more intrigue.
  • Work on building tension and urgency throughout the scene to make it more compelling and impactful within the larger narrative.
  • Consider revising the interaction between Alex and Mr. Cottelle to add layers of meaning, conflicting motives, and surprises that can elevate the scene and engage the audience.



Scene 39 -  Remembering Giovanni
EXT. GRAYSON NORTH CEMETERY

Alex stands in front of a head stone. It is his brother’s
headstone.

He kneels on one knee. He lays a baseball bat and baseball
down in front of it.

ALEX
Sammy. Phils finally made it to
another World Series. Katie and I
are still at it. You should see Gio
Cucino, buddy. You wouldn’t believe
it.

He rises. He looks over his shoulder as Katie approaches with
three beer bottles.

She opens all three with her teeth. She hands a bottle to
Alex and places the other on the tombstone.

He raises his bottle and he and Katie toast.
81.


In the distance there is a fog moving fast over the river.


TITLE CARD

TWO YEARS LATER


EXT GIO CUCINO RESTAURANT - DAY

Gio Cucina restaurant is the flagship anchor for this multi-
use building including the Virginia Raines Cancer Center,
offices and condominiums. The original building is
surrounded by mid-sized buildings


INT GIO CUCINA RESTAURANT - DAY

Tony Cottelle is seated with Alex and Katie. They are
devouring the meal in front of them.

MR. COTTELLE
Where did we find this chef?

ALEX
He came over from La Pierre.

MR. COTTELLE
And when is New York slated to
open?

ALEX
Three weeks.

MR. COTTELLE
When is the wedding?

ALEX
After the opening in New York.
We’re going to Europe. Scout out
new recipes.

MR. COTTELLE
All work, my friend. Take some
time. Enjoy. You earned it.

Alex raises his glass.

ALEX
Chi Trova un Amico, Trova un Tesoro

Tony raises his glass.
82.


MR. COTTELLE
To Giovanni.

They CLINK glasses.


EXT BEACH SCENE - DAY

Summer bodies on the beach in Positano. Picturesque views of
the multi-colored roof tops along the coast.

We see Giovanni sitting on a chaise lounge chair sipping a
margarita. He looks lean and fit. He has a report on his lap
titled GIANCA/RAINES HOLDINGS. He tosses it onto the chair
beside him and puts his hands behind his head.


FADE OUT:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Alex visits his brother's grave with Katie, sharing updates on his life and toasting to Giovanni's memory. Two years later, Alex, Katie, and Mr. Cottelle dine at Gio Cucina restaurant, discussing plans for the restaurant and Alex's upcoming wedding. The scene transitions to Giovanni relaxing on a beach in Positano.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Closure
  • Character growth
  • Hopeful tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively ties up loose ends from the previous events in the story while setting the stage for a new chapter in the characters' lives. It evokes a range of emotions and leaves the audience with a sense of closure and hope.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of closure and new beginnings is well-executed in this scene, providing a satisfying conclusion to the main character's arc while hinting at a promising future. The transition from mourning to celebration is seamless and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot in this scene focuses on resolving the mystery of the brother's murder and showcasing the success of the restaurant business. It effectively wraps up the main storyline while introducing new elements for future development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of memory and success through the protagonist's actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' interactions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene show growth and resilience, particularly Alex who has overcome challenges and found closure. The interactions between the characters reflect their bond and shared experiences, adding depth to their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Alex undergoes significant growth and transformation in the scene, moving from a place of grief and vengeance to one of acceptance and optimism. His journey towards closure and new beginnings is compelling and well-developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to honor his brother's memory and find success in his restaurant business. This reflects his deeper need for closure and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to open a new restaurant in New York and scout out new recipes in Europe. This reflects the immediate challenges he faces in expanding his business.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a sense of resolution and closure in the scene, the conflict is minimal as the focus is more on emotional closure and new beginnings. The tension comes from the characters' internal struggles and past traumas.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle conflicts between work and personal life, adding tension and complexity to the protagonist's journey.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not as high in this scene compared to earlier moments in the story, there is still a sense of importance and significance in the characters' emotional journeys and the success of their business ventures.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving key plot points and setting the stage for future developments. It provides closure to existing storylines while hinting at new challenges and opportunities for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected transitions between locations and the evolving dynamics between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between work and personal life evident in this scene. The protagonist is urged to take time to enjoy life by a mentor figure, but he is focused on his business goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, hope, and bittersweetness. The audience is likely to feel a sense of catharsis and satisfaction as the characters find closure and look towards the future.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is heartfelt and meaningful, conveying the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. It provides insight into their thoughts and feelings, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the dynamic relationships, and the anticipation of the protagonist's future success.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with dialogue-driven interactions, maintaining a steady rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative.


Critique
  • The scene at the cemetery lacks emotional depth and closure for Alex's character arc. It feels rushed and doesn't fully explore the impact of his brother's death on him.
  • The dialogue between Alex and Katie at the cemetery feels forced and lacks authenticity. It doesn't effectively convey the bond between the characters or the weight of the moment.
  • The transition from the cemetery to the restaurant two years later is abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of continuity in the storytelling, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters' journey.
  • The dialogue at Gio Cucina restaurant feels contrived and expository. It doesn't add depth to the characters or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
  • The final scene at the beach in Positano feels disconnected from the rest of the script. It doesn't provide closure or resolution to the central conflicts and characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider revisiting the cemetery scene to add more emotional depth and closure for Alex's character arc. Explore his feelings about his brother's death and how it has shaped him over the years.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Alex and Katie at the cemetery to make it more authentic and heartfelt. Focus on their connection and the significance of toasting to his brother's memory.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the cemetery scene and the restaurant two years later. Develop a clearer narrative thread that ties the scenes together and advances the story.
  • Revise the dialogue at Gio Cucina restaurant to make it more natural and character-driven. Use the conversation to reveal insights into the characters' relationships and motivations.
  • Consider reevaluating the final scene at the beach in Positano to ensure it provides a satisfying conclusion to the central conflicts and character arcs. Tie up loose ends and offer a sense of resolution for the audience.