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Scene 1 -  A Loving Reminder
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - HOME OF SANTO KASPER - MORNING - PRESENT

Present Day - Los Angeles

A modern, decadent mansion sits on a hill. Easily 7,500
square feet of stunning architecture.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Santo Kasper sleeps in his king-sized bed.

He stirs and rolls over to find the other side of the bed
empty. A little confused he looks to the clock. It reads
10:10.

SANTO
Sally?

No response. He rises from the bed and makes his way to the
bathroom. He pokes his head inside. No one there.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

In the large, modern kitchen SALLY KASPER (34), Santo Kasper's
high school sweetheart and wife, makes eggs and bacon.

Santo enters.

SANTO
There you are.

Sally looks up and smiles.

SALLY
Good morning, baby.

He approaches Sally. They kiss.

SALLY (CONT'D)
I let you sleep in.

Santo sits on a bar stool across the counter from where Sally
cooks. He rubs the sleep from his eyes.

SANTO
I needed the sleep.

SALLY
You remember I'm going out of town
tonight?

SANTO
Yeah?
2.

Sally frowns, annoyed.

SALLY
I'm going hiking with my high school
girlfriends. I told you like 3 times
this week.

SANTO
I'm sorry babe, my memory has been
nonexistant lately.

SALLY
How are the new meds? Can you feel
any changes?

Sally piles eggs and bacon onto a plate and slides it to
Santo.

SANTO
Yeah.

SALLY
Yeah?

SANTO
I feel more relaxed.

Santo digs in.

SANTO (CONT'D)
I don't really have any problems
with the meds themselves. I just
don't want people to think I'm crazy.

SALLY
No one is going to think you're crazy
because you take care of your mental
health.

Santo eats more eggs.

Sally smiles at Santo.

SANTO
What are you thinking right now?

SALLY
That if you score 28 points tonight
you'll eclipse 22,000 in your career.

SANTO
(impressed)
Oh okay! Look at you keeping up with
my career milestones.
(MORE)
3.

SANTO (CONT'D)
Actually I did know that. Thanks
for the added pressure.

Sally giggles.

SANTO (CONT'D)
You'll be there though, right? In
case I got hot.

SALLY
I booked the red eye. You know I'd
never miss my baby in a home game.

Santo gulps down his smoothie.

SANTO
I know.

Sally smiles at him. She approaches for a kiss.

SALLY
You know I love you?

They kiss.

SANTO
(cheeky)
Well obviously.

Sally giggles and kisses him again.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Santo Kasper wakes up in his luxurious mansion to find his wife Sally missing, only to discover her in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Sally reminds Santo to take his medication and assures him of her support for his basketball game. Despite some tension over his memory issues, the scene ends with a romantic kiss, highlighting their love for each other.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Predictable resolutions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the characters, their relationship, and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a morning routine between a couple with underlying tensions and affection is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the couple's morning interaction, setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on mental health and relationships, blending personal struggles with external pressures in a relatable and authentic way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

Santo shows vulnerability and concern about his mental health, while Sally displays annoyance and affection simultaneously.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to manage his mental health and medication while dealing with the pressure of his career and maintaining his relationship with his wife.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to perform well in his upcoming basketball game and reach a career milestone of 22,000 points.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict regarding communication and memory issues, but it is resolved quickly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and decisions in a meaningful way.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal dynamics and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the future, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's emotional journey and the evolving dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the stigma of mental health and the protagonist's fear of being perceived as 'crazy' for taking medication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from affection to concern, creating a connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural, revealing character traits, emotions, and setting up future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intimate and relatable interactions between the characters, drawing the audience into their personal lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through character interactions and reveals, maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a dialogue-heavy domestic scene, with clear character actions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic interaction, focusing on character dynamics and conflicts within a familiar setting.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Santo waking up in his luxurious mansion, which sets the tone for his affluent lifestyle. However, the dialogue between Santo and Sally feels a bit forced and lacks depth. The conversation about Sally going on a trip and Santo's medication could be more natural and engaging.
  • The interaction between Santo and Sally could benefit from more emotional depth and character development. Their relationship feels somewhat superficial and could be explored further to create a more compelling dynamic.
  • The dialogue about Santo's milestone in his basketball career feels a bit cliched and predictable. It would be more interesting to delve deeper into Santo's emotions and thoughts about his career achievements.
  • The scene could use more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and create a vivid picture of Santo's mansion and the morning routine. Adding sensory details could help immerse the audience in the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more tension or conflict to engage the audience. Introducing subtle hints of underlying tension or unresolved issues between Santo and Sally could add depth to their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Santo and Sally's conversation to make it more engaging and realistic. Explore their emotions, conflicts, and motivations to create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting to paint a vivid picture of Santo's luxurious mansion and the morning routine. Use sensory details to bring the scene to life for the audience.
  • Focus on developing Santo and Sally's relationship by adding depth to their interactions. Show their vulnerabilities, fears, and desires to create a more authentic and compelling dynamic.
  • Introduce subtle hints of tension or conflict between Santo and Sally to add depth to their relationship and create intrigue for the audience. This could help build anticipation for future developments in the story.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Avoid cliches and predictable conversations, and strive to create authentic, meaningful exchanges between the characters.



Scene 2 -  The Storm's Comeback
INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

A raucous stadium of fans, electrified by an intense American
Basketball League (ABL/fictional) game, looks on as the game
plays out its conclusion.

The scoreboard shows 86-83 with 1:40 left in the game between
the visiting Flame (86) and the home Storm (83).

The COMMENTATOR'S sitting courtside call the game.

BILL
...Another critical basket for the
Flame and the Storm may need to use
their last timeout if the Flame score
again.

STAN
The storm do look tired out there.

FLAME PLAYER 1 throws up a jumpshot that rattles off the
rim, but FLAME PLAYER 2 comes running from the free throw
line to throw down a perfectly timed put back dunk.
4.

Player 2 hangs gleefully on the rim. 88-83, Flame.

BILL
Now I definitely would use up that
timeout.

On Santo's signal, the ball is inbounded by STORM PLAYER 1
to STORM PLAYER 2. He pushes the ball up court on the outlet
pass to Santo.

BILL (CONT'D)
(surprised)
But no, Kasper bringing the ball up
court.

Santo takes the ball into the front-court and off-loads to
LARRY WILDER (36) 6'2", his close friend and the team's long
time point guard - who dribbles before taking the ball around
a screen and pulling up for a 3-point jump shot. Swish.
Storm 86, Flame 88, 1:33 Remaining.

STAN
Oh that was sweet. No timeout needed.

On the way back to the defensive end of the court Santo and
Larry slap hands.

SANTO
'Bout damn time.

LARRY
Let's go.

The tattoo on Santo's and Larry's right forearms both bear
the words "The Last Defense".

Back on defense, the ball-handler sizes up the larger Santo.
Santo doesn't give an inch, challenging the player to make a
move.

STAN (O.S.)
Kasper playing some stiff defense.

When he does, Santo pokes the ball away from his guy and
recovers it for a steal. He passes back to Larry who dribbles
up the court to slow the pace.

STAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Stolen by Kasper again, now into the
frontcourt.

In the front court again Santo takes a pass, takes one dribble
to the top of the key and, with the tentative defender
remaining a foot away, fires the jump shot. Swish.
5.

The crowd erupts.

Seated in the front few rows amidst a cadre of fans is Sally.

SALLY
Let's go baby!

Storm - 88. Flame 88.

The clock ticks under 1:00.

The Storm Coach, Coach Spriggs, dressed in suit, paces up
and down, clapping and encouraging his players.

COACH SPRIGGS
Come on now. Let's communicate out
there. Let's communicate.

Back on defense, Larry's man sets a screen on Santo.

LARRY
Pick right. Pick right.

SANTO
Switch.

They switch. The sloppy dribbling from the ball-handler
results in Larry poking the ball free.

STAN (V.O.)
A third straight turnover committed
by the flame.

Two players dive for the ball and in the process it rolls
across court and is picked up by a Storm Player 1.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Gathered by the storm.

The crowd cheers loudly.

SANTO
(to his teammate)
My ball.

The ball-handler passes to Santo who dribbles up court, sizing
up the smaller defender who meets him. He dribbles outside
the 3 point arc, letting the clock tick.

SANTO (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Santo Kasper sizing up his defender.

27, 26, 25...
6.

He makes a move towards the basket then pulls back and fires
for 3.

STAN (V.O.)
He shoots. To put it out of reach.

LARRY
(to self)
Let's go home.

Swish. 91-88. 22.0 On the clock.

STAN (V.O.)
And he hits!

The whistle blows for a timeout. The fans go wild. Santo
and Larry bump chests.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary Trailing by 3 points with 1:40 left, the Storm mount a thrilling comeback led by Larry Wilder and Santo Kasper. Wilder ties the game with a 3-pointer, and Kasper quickly follows with another 3-pointer to give the Storm the lead. Kasper then hits a third 3-pointer, putting the Storm up by 3 points with 22 seconds remaining. The crowd erupts in cheers as the coach calls a timeout, setting the stage for the final moments of the game.
Strengths
  • Intense gameplay
  • Supportive teamwork dynamic
  • Exciting moments
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the intensity and excitement of a crucial basketball game, with well-executed gameplay and supportive interactions between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-stakes basketball game with key players like Santo and Larry, known for their defensive skills, is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the intense basketball game between Storm and Flame, with key moments of gameplay and strategic moves by the players.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the sports genre by focusing on the personal struggles and triumphs of the characters within the context of a basketball game. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Santo and Larry are portrayed as skilled and supportive teammates with a strong bond, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, Santo and Larry's teamwork and determination are reinforced, showcasing their growth as players.

Internal Goal: 8

Santo's internal goal is to prove himself as a valuable player to his team and to overcome any doubts or challenges he may face during the game. This reflects his desire for recognition, success, and validation.

External Goal: 9

Santo's external goal is to help his team win the game by scoring points and playing strong defense. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the game and the challenge of facing a tough opponent.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the Storm and Flame teams adds tension and excitement to the scene, driving the gameplay forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Flame team providing a tough challenge for the Storm players. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the game's outcome and the back-and-forth nature of the match.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the basketball game, with the score tied and the clock ticking down, create a sense of urgency and excitement for the characters and the audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing a crucial moment in the basketball game, leading to a tie score and setting up anticipation for the outcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the back-and-forth nature of the game, the unexpected plays and turnovers, and the uncertain outcome of the match. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the game will end.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of teamwork and individual performance. Santo must balance his personal goals with the needs of the team, highlighting the tension between individual success and collective achievement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of excitement, anticipation, and support for the characters, especially Santo and Larry.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between the characters is realistic and enhances the gameplay, showcasing their camaraderie and determination to win.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the intensity of the game and the personal struggles of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and excitement, with a balance of fast-paced action and slower moments of character interaction. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high-stakes basketball game being played out.
  • The dialogue between the commentators feels generic and could be more engaging to draw the audience into the game.
  • The interactions between Santo and Larry lack depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The play-by-play description of the game could be more dynamic and immersive to capture the excitement of the moment.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the basketball arena.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and suspense to the scene by highlighting the high-pressure situation of the game.
  • Develop the dialogue between the commentators to provide insightful commentary and build anticipation for the game's outcome.
  • Deepen the relationship between Santo and Larry by incorporating meaningful interactions that reveal their bond and character dynamics.
  • Enhance the play-by-play description with vivid imagery and dynamic language to create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Include visual cues such as crowd reactions, player expressions, and sound effects to bring the basketball game to life and immerse the audience in the action.



Scene 3 -  The Last Defense
INT. BAR - LATER

Santo and Larry sit in a private booth far away from the
boisterous crowd gathered around the bar.

Santo raises a shot glass.

SANTO
The good guys prevail.

LARRY
To victory.

They clink glasses and down their shots.

Santo sobers and takes a serious tone.

SANTO
Hey, Larry... there's something I
wanted to talk about.

LARRY
(nonchalant)
Sure.

A beat.

SANTO
I actually wanted to talk about umm...

He scratches his neck.

SANTO (CONT'D)
The last defense.
7.

LARRY
(irritated)
What?

SANTO
I want to talk about the last defense.

Larry flashes Santo a questioning glance.

LARRY
What about it?

Santo gulps and looks around to make sure he's not being
listened to.

SANTO
Larry, it's real.

Larry stops and becomes visibly uncomfortable.

LARRY
What did you just say?

SANTO
I said-

He gulps.

SANTO (CONT'D)
It's real. I know it.

Larry freezes for a moment.

LARRY
The last defense is a superstition.

Santo shakes his head, eyes unflinching.

SANTO
No.

LARRY
Alright Santo, what is it then? A
saying? A tattoo?

He points to the tattoo on Santo's arm that reads,'The Last
Defense'.

SANTO
Listen man, this isn't easy for me
to bring up. But you've felt it
too. There has to be an explanation.
8.

LARRY
No there doesn't. Look there are
things in life that can't be explained
and you gotta be okay with that.

Santo smiles curtly.

SANTO
You're scared.

Larry stops.

LARRY
Hey man, I think you should drop it.

SANTO
I can't drop it and neither should
you.

LARRY
Well I don't want to hear about it.
It's just a joke.

Santo sobers a bit.

SANTO
A joke?

LARRY
You don't seem right.

Santo shakes his head, eyes downcast.

SANTO
You think I'm nuts.

LARRY
I didn't say that.

He looks up.

SANTO
You didn't have to.

Santo gets up to go.

LARRY
Where are you going?

Santo turns.

SANTO
(fully ernest)
Stay well Larry.
9.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Santo and Larry, celebrating a victory, find their camaraderie shattered by Santo's insistence on confronting 'the last defense.' Larry dismisses it as superstition, but Santo's troubled demeanor and unwavering belief create an unsettling tension. The scene ends with Santo leaving the booth, leaving Larry alone with a palpable sense of unease.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Exploration of mysterious concept
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of resolution on the concept of 'The Last Defense'

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and the revelation of the mysterious concept. The emotional impact is strong, and the character dynamics are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of 'The Last Defense' adds depth and intrigue to the scene, sparking a debate between the characters and raising questions about belief and superstition.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Santo reveals his belief in 'The Last Defense' and confronts Larry about it, leading to a conflict between the two characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of belief vs. skepticism, with a focus on hidden truths and unexplainable phenomena. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the conflict.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Santo is portrayed as a believer in the mysterious concept, while Larry is skeptical and dismissive. Their contrasting personalities and beliefs create tension and drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Santo's revelation about 'The Last Defense' shows a new side of his character, while Larry's refusal to believe challenges his worldview.

Internal Goal: 8

Santo's internal goal is to convince Larry that the last defense is real and not just a superstition. This reflects Santo's need for validation and understanding of his beliefs, as well as his fear of being dismissed or ridiculed.

External Goal: 7

Santo's external goal is to reveal the truth about the last defense to Larry and make him believe in it. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing someone of a hidden truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Santo and Larry escalates as Santo insists on the reality of 'The Last Defense' and Larry rejects it, leading to a tense confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Santo's belief in the last defense conflicting with Larry's skepticism, creating a tense and uncertain dynamic.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Santo's belief in 'The Last Defense' challenges the status quo and threatens his relationship with Larry.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and introducing a mysterious concept that may have future implications.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of Santo's belief in the last defense, challenging Larry's skepticism and leading to a tense confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between belief in the unknown and acceptance of the unexplainable. Santo believes in the last defense as a real phenomenon, while Larry dismisses it as a superstition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high as Santo reveals his vulnerability and conviction, while Larry's skepticism adds tension and uncertainty to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and confrontational, revealing the conflicting beliefs and emotions of the characters. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and mystery surrounding the characters' conflicting beliefs and hidden truths. The dialogue and character interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and moments of revelation that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense and mysterious dialogue-driven scene in a bar setting. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the 'last defense' concept, leaving the audience confused about its significance and meaning.
  • The dialogue between Santo and Larry feels forced and lacks natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The tension between Santo and Larry is not effectively built up, resulting in a sudden shift in mood that feels abrupt and unearned.
  • Santo's insistence on the 'last defense' comes across as vague and underdeveloped, failing to create a sense of intrigue or mystery for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in exploring Santo's beliefs and Larry's skepticism, allowing for a more engaging and layered interaction between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the concept of the 'last defense' by providing more context and background information to help the audience understand its importance.
  • Refine the dialogue between Santo and Larry to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on building tension and conflict in a more organic way.
  • Gradually escalate the conversation between Santo and Larry to create a more impactful and emotionally resonant moment when Santo reveals his beliefs.
  • Develop Santo's character and motivations further to make his insistence on the 'last defense' more compelling and believable to the audience.
  • Consider adding subtle hints and foreshadowing throughout the scene to build intrigue and suspense around the 'last defense' concept, creating a more immersive and captivating narrative.



Scene 4 -  A Moment of Truth
EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - LATER

Santo walks across the vacant parking lot towards the towering
stadium.

INT. STORM SHOWER ROOM

Steam fills the bathroom as Santo takes a hot shower.

INT. LOCKER ROOM

Santo exits the bathroom wrapped in a towel. In the middle
of the locker room stands a concerned Sally.

SALLY
Babe?

SANTO
(startled)
Sally. What are you doing here?

SALLY
I was waiting at home for you to say
goodbye and you never came. I'm
going out of town, remember?

Santo sighs exasperated.

SANTO
Sally, I'm so sorry. I don't know
how I forgot again.

SALLY
Santo, what's going on?

SANTO
I'm fine. How did you know I'd be
here?

SALLY
Larry called me and said you got
into it at the bar. I figured you
came here to cool off.

Santo doesn't respond right away.

SANTO
I don't need to cool off.

He puts a shirt on and digs through his locker for more
clothes.

SALLY
Can you at least tell me what you're
feeling?
10.

SANTO
I don't know.

SALLY
You don't know? What does that mean?

SANTO
(distressed)
It mean I don't know! I don't know
how to say what I'm feeling!

SALLY
Santo you're the greatest man I know.
There's no problem you can't solve.
Let me help you work through this.

SANTO
I need to sort this out for myself.

Sally reaches into her purse for something.

SALLY
Listen baby, I have a flight to catch.
I would stay if I could but I talked
to a friend and she gave me the number
of another psychiatrist who-

SANTO
Another psychiatrist? Don't you
think one's enough?

SALLY
You need a second opinion.

She extends the business card. It has a doctor's name and
number on it. Santo doesn't take it.

SALLY (CONT'D)
I don't think you're crazy. But I
know you and something's not right.

SANTO
I don't want this to be happening.

Sally shakes her head.

SALLY
You've said it yourself you don't
feel right in your head. I might
not know what that means but there's
a doctor somewhere who does and it's
important that you find them.

He relents and takes the card from her gently.
11.

SANTO
Alright.

Sally steps closer to Santo. She places her hand on his
chest gently and gazes up into his eyes.

SALLY
I love you, Santo. Nothing's going
to change that.

SANTO
I know. Sally...

He pushes her bangs out of her face and places his palm on
her cheek.

SANTO (CONT'D)
You're the light of my life.

He buries his head in her neck. She holds him.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary After a bar fight, a troubled Santo returns to the stadium locker room where he is confronted by Sally, who is about to leave town. Worried by his recent strange behavior, Sally urges Santo to seek professional help. Despite initial reluctance, Santo accepts a psychiatrist's business card, showing a glimmer of hope for his mental well-being. As Sally departs, she reassures Santo with her love, leaving him with a sense of comfort and the promise of support.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a compelling conflict for Santo to confront his inner struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring mental health issues and the importance of seeking help is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Santo's internal conflict is revealed, adding depth to his character and setting up potential future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to addressing mental health struggles and seeking help, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Santo's internal struggles and Sally's unwavering support creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Santo undergoes a significant emotional change as he reluctantly agrees to seek help, showing growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

Santo's internal goal is to sort out his feelings and emotions, as he struggles to articulate them to Sally.

External Goal: 7.5

Santo's external goal is to deal with the aftermath of an altercation at a bar and to address his emotional state.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Santo's internal struggles and Sally's concern creates a tense and emotional atmosphere.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition rating is strong as Santo faces internal and external challenges in dealing with his emotions.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high as Santo grapples with his inner turmoil and the future of his mental health is at stake.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Santo's character development and setting up potential future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of Santo's internal struggle and the uncertainty of his emotional state.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Santo's reluctance to seek help for his emotional struggles and Sally's belief in the importance of getting professional help.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions as Santo grapples with his inner turmoil and Sally offers unwavering support and love.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional tension between Santo and Sally, revealing their inner thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional conflict and intimate character interactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil Santo is experiencing through his interactions with Sally. However, there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from more nuanced exploration of Santo's internal struggles.
  • The tension between Santo and Sally is well-established, but there could be more subtlety in their communication to add depth to their relationship and the challenges Santo is facing.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact, such as Santo's body language or facial expressions reflecting his inner turmoil.
  • The dialogue could be more dynamic and varied to capture the complexity of Santo's emotions and the conflict he is experiencing.
  • There is a strong foundation for exploring Santo's mental health struggles and the support he receives from Sally, but the scene could delve deeper into the root causes of his distress and the impact on their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to Santo's dialogue to convey his internal struggles more subtly.
  • Introduce visual cues to enhance the emotional depth of the scene, such as Santo's body language and facial expressions.
  • Explore different ways to portray Santo's emotional journey, perhaps through flashbacks or internal monologue.
  • Add layers to Sally's character by exploring her motivations and reactions in more depth.
  • Experiment with different dialogue styles to capture the complexity of Santo's mental health challenges and the support he receives from Sally.



Scene 5 -  The Last Midnight
EXT. SANTO'S MANSION - NIGHT

Santo pulls his Porsche 911 Carrera S into the driveway of
his home. The garage door rises and the high end vehicle
slowly rolls inside.

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The garage door closes and the Porsche cools off in the
spacious garage.

INT. SANTO'S TROPHY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

The trophies of Santo's illustrious athletic career earned
over a span of 3 decades adorn the walls of the room.

There are also many pictures of Santo and his teammates both
in action and celebrating victories.

Santo stands in the doorway a moment, wearing a vacant
expression. He flicks the light switch on and enters.

On the other side of the room Santo stands before an open
glass-doored cabinet. On a shelf inside, on top of a plush
velvet cushion, 3 ABL Championship rings are propped up for
display.

Santo snatches the 3 rings off the shelf and holds them in
his open palm. For the first and only time, we see him smile.

SANTO
(Spoken softly) I'm ready.
12.

INT. SANTO'S STUDY/LIBRARY

The largest room in the house is Santo's library. Bookshelves
line the walls of half the room from floor to ceiling.

A geographical map of The United States covers a large portion
of the wall. It sits among other posters of great world
leaders and monumental moments of human history - Dr. King
Speaking, The Nameless Hero of Tiananmen Square, Che Gueverra,
Sonny Liston lying helplessly below the towering Mohammed
Ali, The Beatles making their way across the crosswalk.

Santo sits cross-legged in the center of the room. His left
hand sports his 3 ABL Championship rings.

He writes in a small journal. As he finishes the composition
of his last note, he sets down the pen and closes the journal.
He looks to the clock, it's nearly midnight.

A closed black box sits on his right hand side. He opens it
to reveal a BLACK PISTOL. He picks it up and assures it is
fully loaded. It is.

With the pistol in hand, Santo rests his forehead in his
free hand, the hand with the rings, eyes closed. He cries.
The tears come quickly. He lets loose several heaves of
anguish.

A clock on the wall chimes loudly. The first of 12 chimes
to signal midnight.

Santo composes himself. His expression shifts to determined
and a little bewildered.

More chimes. Santo places the pistol against his temple.

At the twelfth stroke his countenance betrays no fear. He
may as well be drifting off to sleep at the beach.

SANTO
(loud, strong)
Let truth be told!

CUT TO BLACK. A GUNSHOT, then a THUD as Santo's body folds.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Santo, a former champion haunted by his past, returns home to his opulent mansion. He takes his championship rings from a trophy room, a bittersweet reminder of his glory days. In his study, surrounded by mementos of his life, he sits down, writes in his journal, and then picks up a loaded pistol. Overwhelmed by grief, he cries, places the gun to his temple, and ends his life at the stroke of midnight. The scene leaves the audience with a somber sense of tragedy and unanswered questions about Santo's struggles.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Lack of resolution for Santo's struggles

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a successful athlete struggling with inner demons and contemplating drastic actions is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and gripping, with a surprising and tragic turn of events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of success and fulfillment, exploring the darker side of achievement and the consequences of unfulfilled desires. The authenticity of Santo's actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially Santo's inner turmoil.

Character Changes: 9

Santo undergoes a significant change from determined to desperate, leading to a tragic outcome.

Internal Goal: 8

Santo's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past achievements and failures, as well as to make a decision about his future. His smile upon holding the championship rings indicates a sense of pride and nostalgia, while his tears and eventual decision to end his life show his inner turmoil and struggle.

External Goal: 7

Santo's external goal in this scene is to make a definitive choice about his future, which ultimately leads to his decision to end his life. The immediate circumstances of his past success and current emotional state contribute to this goal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Santo's inner demons and his external success creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Santo faces internal conflict and external challenges that lead to his final decision. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome until the last moment.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with Santo's life hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the depth of Santo's struggles and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist in Santo's decision to end his life, as well as the emotional depth and complexity of his character.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between achievement and fulfillment. Santo's success in his athletic career is juxtaposed with his inner emptiness and despair, leading to his ultimate decision to end his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly with Santo's tragic decision.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the escalating tension between Santo and Larry.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and suspense leading up to Santo's decision, as well as the exploration of complex themes related to success and identity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to the climactic moment of Santo's decision. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to the climactic moment of Santo's decision. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Santo arriving home to him being in his trophy room, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • The emotional journey Santo goes through, from smiling while holding his championship rings to ultimately taking his own life, feels rushed and could benefit from more development.
  • The visual descriptions of Santo's surroundings are detailed, but the emotional depth of Santo's character could be further explored through his actions and dialogue.
  • The shift from Santo writing in his journal to suddenly picking up a loaded pistol and contemplating suicide feels abrupt and could be better foreshadowed or built up throughout the scene.
  • The final moments of Santo's life, while impactful, could be more powerful with additional insight into his inner turmoil and the reasons behind his decision.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of Santo reflecting on his life and the events that led him to this point before he picks up the pistol.
  • Introduce subtle hints or clues throughout the scene that hint at Santo's mental state and his struggles, building up to the climactic moment.
  • Explore Santo's emotional journey in more depth, allowing the audience to connect with his character and understand his motivations.
  • Provide a smoother transition between Santo arriving home and entering his trophy room to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more dialogue or internal monologue from Santo to convey his thoughts and feelings leading up to his final decision.



Scene 6 -  The Substation Bombing
EXT. ESTATE OF HENRY WATERS - 2 AM - FLASHBACK

6 Months Before Santo's Suicide

The light of a full moon cascades over 50 acres of high-end
private real estate. The vast swath of land houses a giant
mansion - the former home of the recently deceased HENRY
WATERS, Former Owner of Los Angeles Storm.
13.

A dirt road runs from the service road through a gated
entrance onto the property. Much of the property is grass,
though it is not well kept.

An old, creaky but sturdy white panel van pulls up on the
edge of the property.

INT. MARCUS' VAN

At the wheel of the vehicle sits MARCUS BENSON (25), a thin,
tall, strong man and leader of a Hispanic Los Angeles Gang
known just as 'La Hermandad' (The Brotherhood).

Next to him is RAUL (32), Another gang member, beefy.

The vehicle slows and stops on the outskirts of the massive
estate. Marcus sits pensive for several moments.

He checks his watch: 1:59. As he watches it turns to 2:00.

MARCUS
(In Spanish with
English subtitles)
Text him.

Raul nods and types something quickly on his phone.

EXT. SERVICE ROAD/ELECTRICAL SUBSTATION

DOM (25), another gang member, sits in another old panel van
off the side of the road. With the vehicle's lights off, it
remains concealed amongst the brush.

The van is in close proximity (across the road) to an
Electrical Grid Substation.

A sedan driven by another GANG MEMBER (20's) is parked
directly behind him, also cloaked in darkness.

INT. EXPLOSIVES VAN

Dom's phone buzzes and he checks the incoming message from
RAUL. 'Go'. He exits the vehicle.

EXT. EXPLOSIVES VAN - CONTINUOUS

The other gang member exits his vehicle too, and meets Dom
at the back of the van.

Dom open's the back of the van to reveal a healthy sized
Improvised Explosive Device.
14.

DOM
(In Spanish with
English subtitles)
Arm it. Be quick.

The gang member nods and crawls into the back of the truck
to arm the device.

EXT. ELECTRICAL SUBSTATION - MOMENTS LATER

The van has been repositioned across the street to face the
electrical substation directly, from a distance of about 40
yards. The engine runs, with the van still in neutral.

Dom looks to his brother in arms who now sits at the wheel
of his own vehicle about 10 yards away, ready to get out of
dodge. He nods and Dom nods back.

Dom puts a regular brick on the gas. The engine revs with
increasing volume but the car remains stationary.

Dom shifts the van's gear into drive. The spinning wheels
of the van grip the ground and it speeds towards the
electrical substation with ferocity.

Dom quickly flees towards his companion's running vehicle as
the van nears it's explosive end.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Six months before Santo's suicide, Marcus Benson, leader of the Hispanic gang 'La Hermandad', orchestrates a mission to destroy the electrical substation on the former estate of Henry Waters. The gang, led by Marcus, plants an explosive device in a van and drives it into the substation before fleeing. The scene is tense and suspenseful, highlighting the calculated violence and cold efficiency of the gang's actions.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character development
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a major conflict, leading to a dramatic climax. The use of a flashback adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a gang planning an explosive attack on a wealthy estate is intriguing and sets up a complex web of relationships and motivations. The flashback adds depth to the story and hints at future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot of the gang's plan to carry out an explosive attack is well-executed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation with the planned attack on the electrical substation, adding a fresh approach to the gang-related storyline. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The introduction of Marcus Benson as a gang leader adds depth to the character dynamics and sets up potential character arcs. The scene focuses more on the concept and plot than on individual character development.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Marcus Benson as a complex and morally ambiguous character sets the stage for potential development in future episodes.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus' internal goal is to carry out the planned attack on the electrical substation as part of his role as the leader of 'La Hermandad'. This reflects his desire for power, control, and loyalty within his gang.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the attack on the electrical substation, which reflects the immediate challenge and danger they are facing in this scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the gang planning a dangerous and potentially deadly attack. The tension between the characters and the imminent threat of violence raise the stakes significantly.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant obstacles and challenges in executing the attack. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the gang planning a dangerous and potentially deadly attack on a wealthy estate. The consequences of their actions could have far-reaching effects on the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up future events. The gang's plan to carry out an explosive attack adds complexity to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the planned attack. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of carrying out a violent attack and the consequences of their actions. It challenges Marcus' beliefs about loyalty, power, and the lengths he is willing to go to maintain control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of dread and anticipation, leading to a moderate emotional impact on the audience. The high-stakes situation and the potential consequences of the gang's actions create tension and suspense.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The use of Spanish with English subtitles adds authenticity to the gang setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the imminent danger faced by the characters. The tension keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively leading to the climactic moment of the attack on the electrical substation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful and action-packed sequence, building tension and leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new setting and characters without a clear connection to the previous scenes, which may confuse the audience and disrupt the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue in the scene is primarily in Spanish with English subtitles, which may create a language barrier for some viewers and disrupt the immersion in the story.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and character development, focusing more on the mechanics of a criminal operation rather than exploring the inner struggles of the characters.
  • The transition from Santo's emotional suicide to a criminal activity scene feels abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to emotionally connect with the new characters and their actions.
  • The scene could benefit from more context and background information to help the audience understand the significance of the criminal operation and its impact on the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating the criminal operation scene more seamlessly into Santo's storyline to maintain continuity and emotional resonance.
  • Provide more character development and emotional depth for Marcus, Raul, and Dom to make them more relatable and engaging for the audience.
  • Explore the motivations and conflicts of the gang members to add complexity and depth to their actions.
  • Consider incorporating elements from Santo's storyline into the criminal operation scene to create a stronger thematic connection between the two narratives.
  • Ensure that the transition between scenes is smooth and logical to maintain the audience's engagement and understanding of the story.



Scene 7 -  Breaching the Mansion
INT. GETAWAY VEHICLE - CONTINUOS

Dom gets in the getaway vehicle.

DOM
(Spanish)
Go! Go!

The driver floors the gas pedal and they fly away.

The explosives van connects with it's target in a tremendous
burst of flame. BOOM!

INT. MARCUS' VAN - CONTINUOUS

Marcus and Raul hear the explosion in the distance. The
visible lights on premises all go out at once.

Marcus smirks.

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Let's move.
15.

EXT. MANSION - MOMENTS LATER

Marcus and Raul exit from the front and Johan and Jacob, a
third and fourth gang member get out the back. They walk
towards the front door carrying a number of empty duffel
bags.

MARCUS
(Spanish)
15 minutes from now I want to be off
the premises.

JOHAN
(Spanish)
How are we getting past the security
system?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
The camera's are no longer recording.
That blast shut them down. Law
enforcement in the area will also be
responding to that location. The
security system is run by an internal
generator but we have a solution for
that too.

Raul steps up to the door and pulls a case from his pocket
with a number of very small, round, black disks. They are
two way magnetic sensors.

JACOB
(Spanish)
What are those?

RAUL
(Spanish)
The sensors that line the windows
and doors are programmed to respond
to when disturbed. But if we place
an object against one of the sensors
in order to reflect an identical
signal straight back, we can walk
through undetected.

JACOB
(Spanish)
English?

RAUL
(Spanish)
Hope this works.

He places one of the sensors along the door frame and begins
to run it along its length.
16.

The black disk's center turns green and BEEPS as it aligns
with the security sensor..

RAUL (CONT'D)
There it is.

He repeats the process several more times until 4 black disks
with green dots in the center, line one side of the doorframe.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

JOHAN
(Spanish)
Alright. Now what?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Now we walk in the front door.

With that he pulls out a pistol and shoots out the doorknob.
The door swings open and the men scurry inside.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary After detonating an explosives van at the electrical substation, Marcus and his crew capitalize on the security disruption to infiltrate a nearby mansion. Raul utilizes specialized sensors to bypass the mansion's security system, allowing them to force entry after Marcus shoots the doorknob. The team's successful breach sets the stage for the next phase of their operation.
Strengths
  • High tension and suspense
  • Innovative heist concept
  • Strong plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-executed with a high level of tension, suspense, and action. The use of technology and strategic planning adds depth to the heist, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a heist involving a gang using advanced technology and tactics is intriguing and well-developed. The use of improvised explosive devices and magnetic sensors to bypass security systems adds complexity and excitement to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the heist is well-paced and filled with tension and suspense. The strategic planning and execution of the heist keep the audience on the edge of their seats, wondering if the gang will succeed in their mission.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by incorporating high-tech security devices and strategic planning. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the criminal world depicted.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are focused on their mission, with Marcus as the confident leader and the other gang members following his lead. Their interactions and actions drive the plot forward and create a sense of urgency and danger.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the gang members demonstrate their loyalty to Marcus and their commitment to the heist. Their actions and decisions reflect their dedication to the mission and their willingness to take risks.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to successfully execute the heist and escape without getting caught. This reflects their desire for power, wealth, and control over their own fate.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to bypass the security system and steal valuable items from the mansion. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in executing the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the gang facing obstacles such as security systems, law enforcement, and time constraints. The tension and danger of the heist create a sense of urgency and risk for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in bypassing the security system, executing the heist, and avoiding detection. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the heist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the gang risking their freedom and safety to carry out the heist. The potential consequences of failure add tension and urgency to the situation, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing the heist plotline and setting up the conflict and tension that will drive the narrative. The gang's actions and the outcome of the heist have a direct impact on the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the challenges they face in executing the heist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the heist will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' criminal actions and the moral implications of their choices. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, and the consequences of their criminal lifestyle.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of danger and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The high stakes and risks involved in the heist create an emotional impact, as the audience roots for the gang to succeed despite the odds.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is primarily in Spanish, adding authenticity to the characters and their interactions. The dialogue is concise and serves to move the plot forward, focusing on the heist and the gang's objectives.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful actions, and strategic planning involved in the heist. The characters' dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining a sense of urgency, and keeping the audience engaged in the heist. The rhythm of the scene enhances the suspense and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, strategic planning, and execution of the heist. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear character development and depth, as the focus is primarily on the action of the gang members without much insight into their motivations or backgrounds.
  • The dialogue, while adding some tension and urgency to the scene, is primarily in Spanish, which may limit the audience's understanding and engagement.
  • The use of technical terms like 'two way magnetic sensors' and the explanation of how they work could be simplified for better audience comprehension.
  • The transition from the explosive van connecting with its target to Marcus and Raul hearing the explosion feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, providing a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the characters by exploring their motivations and relationships within the gang.
  • Provide translations or context for the Spanish dialogue to ensure all viewers can follow the conversation.
  • Simplify the technical explanations to make them more accessible to a wider audience.
  • Smooth out the transition between the explosive van scene and Marcus and Raul hearing the explosion to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Enhance the scene with more visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience.



Scene 8 -  Heist and Tension
INT. MANSION - HALLWAY *

Marcus walks down the hallway surveying the rooms on either
side.

INT. MANSION - BEDROOM

Jacob has found a locked safe which he breaks open with
applied brunt force. He stuffs the jewels and gold he finds
inside into a duffel.

INT. MANSION - ANOTHER BEDROOM

Further down the hall Marcus peers in on Johan pulling
paintings off the wall.

INT. MANSION - HALLWAY

Marcus continues to walk, apparently not interested in much
of the raiding himself.

RAUL (O.S.)
(Spanish)
Marcus!

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Marcus walks into the master bedroom and finds Raul standing
in front of the gigantic bed situated in the middle of the
superflously large bedroom.

MARCUS
(Spanish)
What are you doing?
17.

Raul responds with a point, to the head of the bed, above
which a painting has been taken off the wall to reveal a
safe.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
(Spanish)
What is it?

Raul shrugs.

RAUL
(Spanish)
It's a safe above a dead billionaire's
bed. What'd this guy do anyway?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Media mogul and pro sports team owner.
Died a couple months ago of a heart
attack.

RAUL
(Spanish)
He left all this just sitting around?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
I don't think he was expecting to
die of a heart attack.

RAUL
(Spanish)
Should I open it?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Yes. Hurry.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Raul wears a face covering and holds a blow torch which he
uses to cut out the safe's lock.

Marcus looks on.

Finally, the lock falls out and Raul turns off the blow torch.
He removes his face covering, then turns to his boss.

RAUL
(Spanish)
Have at it.

He gets off the bed and Marcus steps on, his dirty shoes
caking the bed in dirt.
18.

He slowly approaches the head of the bed and reaches a hand
out to open the safe.

The door opens slowly and Marcus's expression of anticipation
shift to one of awe.

RAUL (CONT'D)
(Spanish)
What is it?

A smirk.

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Mine.

EXT. FBI LOS ANGELES OFFICE - SHOOTING RANGE - DAY - PRESENT

FBI - LOS ANGELES HQ - PRESENT

FBI Special Agent SELENA VARGAS (32), fit, a dedicated and
hard-working civil servant, occupies the range.

She aims a pistol at a paper target that hangs down range.
She squeezes out a shot. Then another and another until the
clip is empty.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Selena removes her protective glasses and pulls the target
down a rope to her end of the range.

She unhooks it and looks down to a small group of well placed
shots on a red target.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Selena approaches locker 25. She opens it and finds a man's
clothes inside.

SELENA
What the hell?

SPECIAL AGENT JASON PLUMBER (30's) Tall, handsome, and snobby,
approaches.

JASON
Oh hey Selena. I had to move your
stuff to 26. Hope that's okay.

SELENA
Why would you do that?
19.

JASON
Umm, because I always use 25. 25 is
my lucky number.

Selena shakes her head and opens locker 26 to gather her
things.

SELENA
Whatever.

JASON
So were you working on your shot
just for fun, or- ?

Selena buttons her work shirt.

SELENA
What do you mean?

JASON
I mean you've been at the Bureau
for, what? 5 years?

SELENA
What's your point?

JASON
Ever discharged your weapon?

SELENA
I think I'd rather be prepared than
speculate on the possibility. Firing
your weapon isn't necesarilly a good
thing, either. Unless something
particularly gross gets in front of
you.

Selena has finished dressing. She grabs her backpack from
the locker.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Speaking of which, could you get out
of my way?

Jason shakes his head, but steps aside.

Selena's out of there.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Two men, Marcus and Raul, break into a mansion and successfully crack open a safe filled with valuables. Meanwhile, FBI agent Selena Vargas practices at the shooting range before confronting a colleague, Jason Plumber, about his unauthorized use of her locker and questioning her preparedness to use her firearm. The scene ends with Selena leaving the locker room and leaving the tension between them unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Potential for more character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a significant plot development with the discovery of the safe. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the overall suspense and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heist unfolding in a mansion, with criminals raiding the property and law enforcement investigating the crime, is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the safe and the theft of its contents, adding complexity and intrigue to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a high-stakes heist in a luxurious mansion. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic, adding to the realism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. The interactions between the criminals and law enforcement agents add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is some potential for character development, particularly in the interactions between the criminals and law enforcement agents.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus's internal goal is to find valuable items to steal and secure his own wealth. This reflects his desire for power, status, and financial security.

External Goal: 7

Marcus's external goal is to successfully steal from the mansion without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading security and law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both between the criminals and law enforcement agents, as well as within the criminal group itself.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the potential risks of the heist, the characters' conflicting goals, and the looming threat of law enforcement. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the discovery of valuable items in the safe and the potential consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key plot development and escalating the conflict between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected twists, and potential consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. Marcus and his team are stealing from a dead billionaire, raising questions about ethics and greed.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on tension and suspense than emotional depth, there is still a sense of intrigue and anticipation created.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the plot forward, especially in revealing the characters' intentions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and morally complex characters. The heist elements and character dynamics keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension. The rhythm of the heist adds to the suspense and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the pacing of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It builds tension effectively and sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations within the mansion, making it slightly confusing for the reader to follow the action.
  • The dialogue in Spanish adds authenticity to the scene, but it would be beneficial to include translations or context clues for non-Spanish-speaking readers.
  • The interaction between Marcus and Raul feels a bit flat and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more tension and suspense as the characters search for valuables in the mansion.
  • The transition from the mansion raid to Selena at the FBI office feels abrupt and disjointed, disrupting the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clearer transitions between the different rooms in the mansion to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Provide translations or context clues for the Spanish dialogue to ensure all readers can understand the conversation.
  • Enhance the dynamic between Marcus and Raul by adding more depth to their interaction and giving insight into their motivations.
  • Increase the tension and suspense in the scene by building up the stakes of the characters' actions within the mansion.
  • Smooth out the transition between the mansion raid and Selena at the FBI office to create a more cohesive narrative structure.



Scene 9 -  A Chilling Discovery
INT. FBI - HALLWAY

Selena walks down the white on white hallway. Her phone
buzzes. She checks it. It says: "Jeanette Borowitz".

SELENA
Borowitz?
20.

She answers.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Special Agent Vargas speaking.

BOROWITZ (O.S.)
Agent Vargas, this is Jeanette
Borowitz Special Agent in Charge
here at our Los Angeles office. I
need to see you in my office.

INT. BOROWITZ OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

JEANETTE BOROWITZ (50's) Caucasian, female, the most powerful
employee on the premises, sits at her desk.

A knock on the door signals Selena's arrival.

BOROWITZ
Agent Vargas, please come in.

Selena enters the office and sits in a chair across from
Borowitz.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
There's been an unsettling development
in the wake of Santo Kasper's death.

SELENA
The basketball star?

BOROWITZ
You're aware of his recent passing?

SELENA
Of course it's just, I thought he
died of suicide. What is there to
investigate?

BOROWITZ
The coroner's office found something
out of place.

SELENA
Yeah?

Borowitz checks her watch impatiently.

BOROWITZ
I'm sorry. I'm waiting on your
partner.

SELENA
Partner?
21.

BOROWITZ
I'm assigning two of you to this
initially.

A knock at the door signals Jason's arrival.

JASON
Borowitz, you needed to see me?

He spots Selena.

JASON (CONT'D)
Oh hey Selena. Twice in one day.
What are the odds?

SELENA
(to self)
Not good.

INT. FBI - MEDICAL LAB

Borowitz leads Selena and Jason into a medical laboratory
where scientists are at work processing samples and performing
test and calculations, etc.

In the back of the room Borowitz stops by a table with a
single surgical towel covering something on it's surface.

BOROWITZ
I'm putting you two on this assignment
because I think you both can handle
what's under here.

Selena and Jason both nod solemnly but do not move.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
A foreign object was discovered during
the autopsy of Santo Kasper.

JASON
Well he shot himself, didn't he?

BOROWITZ
Not a bullet.

CUT TO:

INT. MORGUE - EXAM ROOM - FLASHBACK

The body of Santo Kasper lays on the exam room table. His
body, including his face, is covered.

The only part of his body that is exposed is the top of his
head. Two MEDICAL EXAMINER's stand by examining photographs
and medical documents.
22.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 1
Never thought I'd be doing this
autopsy. Santo Kasper, wow. I wonder
what went wrong.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 2
Did he ever play football? Maybe he
had CTE.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 1
If it was CTE they'll find out.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 2
Organ donor?

MEDICAL EXAMINER 1
Yes, indeed.

The surgical saw revs up to speed as it is applied by Medical
Examiner 1 against his lifeless skull.

When the saw eventually shuts off, Medical Examiner 1 removes
the skull cap. He and the other examiner examine the brain.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 2
Not much damage from the bullet.

Medical Examiner 1 removes the brain from the open skull.
He sets the organ is a medical tray and prepares to re-attach
the skull cap.

Medical Examiner 2's gaze catches something of interest in
the tray. He squints to look closer.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 2 (CONT'D)
What is that?

MEDICAL EXAMINER 1
What?

MEDICAL EXAMINER 2
On the back of the brain, there.

He points. Medical Examiner 1 looks, then squints the same
as his compatriot.

MEDICAL EXAMINER 1
(in awe)
What in god's name?

What appears like a small cobweb shaped computer chip clings
to the rear side of Santo's brain.
23.

It is a highly-advanced BRAIN COMPUTER INTERFACE: A medical
device designed to connect to the brain and monitor activity
as well as stimulate positive neural activity.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary FBI agents Selena and Jason are tasked with investigating the death of basketball star Santo Kasper after a mysterious object is found during his autopsy. They are taken to a medical lab where a surgical towel conceals the object: a highly advanced brain computer interface. The scene flashes back to the autopsy, revealing the medical examiners' shock at discovering the chip embedded in the back of Santo's brain. This discovery leaves the agents with more questions than answers and sets the stage for a complex investigation into Santo's death.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot twist
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of action or physical conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a major plot twist and sets up a new direction for the story, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the implications of the brain chip. The dialogue and interactions between the characters are well-crafted and contribute to the overall suspenseful tone of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a brain computer interface chip found in the brain of a deceased athlete is innovative and adds a unique and intriguing element to the storyline. It opens up possibilities for exploring themes of technology, ethics, and conspiracy in the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the discovery of the brain chip, which serves as a major turning point in the story. It raises questions about the circumstances of the character's death and sets up a new investigative angle for the characters to explore.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by incorporating advanced medical technology and unexpected plot twists. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Selena and Jason, show professionalism and curiosity in their interactions with Jeanette Borowitz. Their reactions to the revelation of the brain chip hint at their investigative skills and dedication to uncovering the truth.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the revelation of the brain chip sets the stage for potential growth and development for Selena and Jason as they delve deeper into the investigation and confront the ethical and moral dilemmas posed by the technology.

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal in this scene is to understand the mysterious circumstances surrounding Santo Kasper's death and to navigate the complex dynamics within the FBI office.

External Goal: 7

Selena's external goal is to investigate the foreign object discovered during Santo Kasper's autopsy and to uncover the truth behind his death.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the implications of the brain chip and the mystery surrounding Santo Kasper's death. There is a sense of tension and uncertainty as they begin to unravel the secrets hidden within the chip.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the discovery of the brain computer interface presenting a significant obstacle for Selena and Jason to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised in the scene with the revelation of the brain chip, as it suggests a larger conspiracy or cover-up surrounding Santo Kasper's death. The characters are faced with the challenge of uncovering the truth behind the chip and its implications for their investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and opening up new avenues of investigation for the characters. The discovery of the brain chip adds complexity and depth to the narrative, propelling the story towards a deeper exploration of the mystery surrounding Santo Kasper's death.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the brain computer interface during Santo Kasper's autopsy, adding a new layer of mystery to the investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of advanced medical technology and the implications of invasive brain computer interfaces. It challenges Selena's beliefs about privacy and the boundaries of science.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including awe, concern, and curiosity, as the characters confront the shocking discovery of the brain chip. The emotional impact is heightened by the suspenseful tone and the implications of the chip for the characters and the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and serves to build tension and intrigue as the characters discuss the discovery of the brain chip. The exchanges between Selena, Jason, and Borowitz reveal their different perspectives and motivations, adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intriguing mystery, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the hallway and the medical lab, making the flow feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Borowitz, Selena, and Jason feels a bit forced and lacks naturalness in delivery.
  • The introduction of the foreign object discovered during Santo Kasper's autopsy feels abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and suspense.
  • The flashback to the autopsy scene is a bit jarring and could be integrated more smoothly into the present-day narrative.
  • The discovery of the brain computer interface on Santo's brain is a significant plot point, but the impact of this revelation could be heightened with more dramatic tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the hallway and the medical lab to improve the scene's flow.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it sound more natural and engaging.
  • Build up the suspense and intrigue surrounding the foreign object discovered during Santo's autopsy to create a more impactful reveal.
  • Integrate the flashback to the autopsy scene more seamlessly into the present-day narrative to avoid a jarring shift in time.
  • Enhance the dramatic tension surrounding the discovery of the brain computer interface to make it a more powerful and memorable moment in the script.



Scene 10 -  The Waters Foundation's Secret
INT. FBI - MEDICAL LAB

The small cobwebbed computational device now lies on a
surgical towel before the agents, eyes wide.

BOROWITZ
It's a brain computer interface and
it was attached to the back side of
Santo Kasper's brain.

JASON
(stunned)
Brain computer interface? Those
things are supposed to be science
fiction.

SELENA
I beg to differ Jason. There's one
right there.

BOROWITZ
I need you two to figure out why.

INT. FBI - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Borowitz, Selena and Jason walk briskly down the hallway.

BOROWITZ
There's a number of basic questions
that need answering. Who made it?
How did they pay for it? What can it
do?

SELENA
How do we know it wasn't planted?
Someone could have put it there after
his death.

BOROWITZ
According to the medical examiner
the technology had meshed with the
brain tissue which is a process our
researchers say would take years.
It's been there for a while.

JASON
I still can't believe this. I mean
this is Santo Kasper we're talking
about. He's a huge star.
24.

BOROWITZ
Yes. It's very real and it's very
serious.

INT. BOROWITZ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS.

Borowitz leads Selena and Jason into her office.

BOROWITZ
Sit please.

Selena and Jason sit in separate chairs. Borowitz looks
through a cabinet of files.

SELENA
Could Santo have known that thing
was in there. Could he have done it
himself?

BOROWITZ
We can find no reason to think Santo
had any knowledge this device was
inside him. Even for medical usage,
this thing is a hundred years ahead
of his time. Santo would have no
way to access this type of technology
even if he had a way and a need to.
Someone put this thing in Santo
Kasper's head years ago, and he was
never any the wiser. The question
becomes why? What was it being used
for?

Having procured the file of interest, she places it on the
desk in front of Selena and Jason.

The agents begin to examine the content.

SELENA
What's this?

BOROWITZ
It's the silver lining. We don't
have to search far for the bad guy.
A microscopic etching was located on
the device.

Selena and Jason examining the corresponding images in front
of them that show a 1000x magnified view of the letters
'HWRF', on the device.

JASON
HWRF?
25.

BOROWITZ
The Henry Waters Research Foundation
is amongst a handful of organization's
on this planet capable of funding,
engineering and manufacturing a
working mechanism like this. Founded
by Henry Waters, he was also the
owner of the Los Angeles Storm and
Santo Kasper's de facto boss for his
entire professional career. One
thing that's certain is this thing
wasn't made without serious if not
total involvement by the Waters
Foundation.

SELENA
So that's our guy then. Henry Waters.
There's no way he doesn't know-

BOROWITZ
(interrupting)
Unforunately for us, perhaps
conveniently for him, Henry Waters
died about 8 months ago, shortly
after the storm won their third
championship. He had a heart attack.

JASON
That'll make him hard to prosecute.

SELENA
So who are we seeking to hold liable
if Henry is dead?

BOROWITZ
Anyone and everyone with knowledge
of what that thing is and how it got
attached to Santo Kasper's brain.
Henry Water's foundation itself would
seem the natural starting point.

SELENA
What do we know about his foundation?

BOROWITZ
A decade ago an oversight program,
run through this office, was
established to collect information
on the internal operations of the
waters foundation.

SELENA
A spy program?

Borowitz nods.
26.

BOROWITZ
Records from those investigations
are preserved at a nearby data storage
facility. You'll be granted access
for the day,
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary FBI agents discover a sophisticated brain computer interface implanted in the deceased Santo Kasper's brain. The device's etching points to the Henry Waters Research Foundation as its creator, but Waters is deceased, leaving the agents to investigate the foundation for potential liability. The scene ends with the agents gaining access to the foundation's data storage facility, setting the stage for a deeper investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging mystery
  • Well-developed plot
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, introducing a complex and intriguing mystery that sets the stage for a thrilling investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a brain computer interface discovered in a deceased athlete's brain is unique and captivating, setting up a compelling mystery for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the discovery of the brain computer interface driving the investigation forward and raising the stakes significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by incorporating advanced technology and ethical dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and drive the narrative forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Selena and Jason, are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the discovery of the brain computer interface sets the stage for potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious device and its connection to Santo Kasper's death. This reflects their desire for justice and the need to solve a complex and potentially dangerous case.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to identify the responsible parties behind the device and hold them accountable, despite the challenges presented by the death of Henry Waters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the discovery of the brain computer interface and the investigation into its origins, creating tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the protagonist's skills and determination. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the discovery of the brain computer interface and the implications it has for the investigation and the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point and setting up the central mystery of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, keeping the audience guessing about the true motives of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of advanced technology and corporate responsibility. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and the lengths people will go to for power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of mystery and concern, drawing the audience into the investigation and the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to advance the investigation, revealing important information and character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing mystery, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the investigation and eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience invested in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective thriller, with a clear setup, investigation, and revelation of new information. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene provides a lot of exposition and information, which is necessary for the plot but can feel a bit heavy-handed at times. Consider finding a balance between delivering information and maintaining a natural flow of dialogue.
  • The dialogue feels a bit expository and could benefit from more natural and organic conversations between the characters. Try to incorporate more subtext and character dynamics to make the interactions feel more authentic.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and character development. Consider adding moments of vulnerability or conflict between the characters to make the scene more engaging and relatable.
  • The transition between locations and scenes could be smoother to avoid abrupt shifts in setting. Try to find ways to connect the different locations and actions more seamlessly.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider breaking down the exposition into smaller chunks and integrating it into more dynamic and engaging dialogue exchanges.
  • Focus on developing the relationships between the characters to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Add moments of tension, conflict, or emotional resonance to make the scene more compelling and impactful.
  • Work on refining the transitions between locations and scenes to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the visual and sensory elements in the scene to create a more immersive reading experience.



Scene 11 -  Project Psi Unmasked
INT. SECURE DATA STORAGE FACILITY

Selena and Jason make their way through two sets of locked
doors and are led to a secured, video monitored conference
room.

INT. SECURE DATA STORAGE FACILITY - CONFERENCE ROOM

From the other side of the room enters the DATA AGENT with
documents that they place on the table in the room's center.

DATA AGENT
The requested documents are here.
If you have further requests you can
buzz there.

The Data Agent points to an intercom.

The data agent leaves the agents to look over the documents.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Selena and Jason sift the documents labeled Project Cure.
It's primarily an extended document labeled, 'whisteblower
complaint'. There is also a man's identification, presumably
the whisteblower and various supporting documents.

SELENA
The complaintant testifies that for
8 years he worked as an undercover
agent for the FBI posing as a
researcher with the Henry Waters
Research Foundation. During his 8
years the focus of the research was
the engineering of Brain Computer
Interfaces for use in monitoring
body function and curing disease.
The project, labeled Project Cure,
was discontinued upon the discovery
that a similar device could 'emit
commands' back to the brain it was
monitoring.

JASON
Emit commands back to the brain?
27.

SELENA
(reading)
This project, Project Psi, presented
the aim to control the brain, body
and mind themselves. The undercover
remained undercover for an additional
2 years of the planned 4 year project
before requesting leave from his
work referenced here as 'Psi Mechanics -
subtitle ommitted'.

JASON
Subtitle ommitted?

SELENA
I think that may be what's in this
file.

Selena opens it. Two single sheets of paper are inside.
Jason reads aloud:

JASON
(reading the letter)
The complaintants reference to the
following classified program's
subtitle will not be ommitted. In
reference to that document, labeled,
'Psi Mechanics - Experiementation
with Mind Control', the signature of
the overseeing official is being
left at the request of the
complaintant to verify the references
authenticity.

The referenced signature is provided on the document.

SELENA
This guy really wanted someone to
come and find this information.

JASON
What's the note?

SELENA
(reading)
'Request for personal leave.' This
sketch-

She shows Jason the sketch of a BCI resembling the device
found in Santo Kasper.
28.

SELENA (CONT'D)
(reading)
Shows the product of a planned four
year project to take elementary BCI
devices and grant them utility for
subliminal and overt control of body
functions, and brain states. Dozens
manufactured. None accounted for.
Outrageous side effects. The most
alarming, an all-encompassing madness
that takes hold in days. Unremitting
psychosis. There are a thousand names
I could attach here but only one
worth knowing. Dr. Steven Brown,
Harvard MD and CPT US Army. This
was and remains, as of my writing,
an overt mind control operation. I
request leave for ethics concerns.
Find Dr. Brown. This technology is
dangerous and real. It won't end
here.

Selena and Jason digest the information.

JASON
(aghast)
It's a mind control device.

Selena glances at the document where the text Dr. Steven
Brown, Harvard MD and CPT US Army gleems brightly beneath
the fluorescent lights.

SELENA
Unremitting psychosis. That thing
cost Santo Kasper his life.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Selena and Jason gain access to a secure data storage facility where they uncover documents related to Project Cure, a research project developing brain-computer interfaces (BCIs). A whistleblower complaint reveals the project's transformation into Project Psi, a covert mind control operation. The documents detail the ethical concerns of this technology and provide a sketch of the BCI device, resembling the one found on the deceased Santo Kasper. Selena and Jason are left shaken by the discovery, realizing the gravity of the situation and the connection to Kasper's death, prompting them to further investigate Dr. Steven Brown, the lead researcher.
Strengths
  • Revealing a major plot twist
  • Building suspense and intrigue
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential information overload
  • Lack of character depth in some areas

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, revealing a major plot twist and setting up a complex mystery that drives the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mind control device and the secretive Project Cure is innovative and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a significant turn with the discovery of the mind control device, creating suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the concept of mind control technology and presents it in a compelling and suspenseful manner. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters react realistically to the shocking revelation, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their understanding of the situation, leading to potential changes in their actions.

Internal Goal: 9

Selena's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the Project Cure documents and understand the implications of the mind control device described in the whistleblower complaint.

External Goal: 7

The external goal is to investigate the documents and uncover any potential threats posed by the mind control technology.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the discovery of the mind control device and the implications it has on the investigation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Selena and Jason face the challenge of understanding the implications of the mind control technology and its potential dangers.

High Stakes: 9

The discovery of the mind control device raises the stakes for the characters and the investigation, adding urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the mind control technology and its potential consequences, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethical implications of mind control technology and the responsibility of those involved in its creation and use.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The revelation of the mind control device elicits shock and concern, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is informative and helps to unravel the mystery, with a good balance of exposition and tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it reveals important plot details and raises questions about the implications of mind control technology.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and tension as Selena and Jason uncover the truth about the mind control technology.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a logical progression as Selena and Jason investigate the documents and uncover crucial information about the mind control technology.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the gravity of the information being revealed about the mind control device and its connection to Santo Kasper's death.
  • The dialogue feels a bit expositional and could be more dynamic to engage the audience and convey the weight of the situation.
  • There is a lot of information being presented in a straightforward manner, which may make it challenging for the audience to fully grasp the significance of the revelations.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to break up the dialogue-heavy nature and enhance the storytelling.
  • The emotional impact of the discovery of the mind control device and its implications for Santo Kasper's death could be further explored to create a more compelling and engaging scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements or actions to complement the dialogue and enhance the storytelling.
  • Introduce more emotional depth to the characters' reactions to the revelations about the mind control device, especially in relation to Santo Kasper's tragic fate.
  • Create a sense of urgency and tension in the scene to heighten the stakes and engage the audience more effectively.
  • Explore different ways to present the information to make it more engaging and impactful, such as through character interactions or visual cues.
  • Consider incorporating elements of suspense or mystery to keep the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding story.



Scene 12 -  A Game Played in Memory
INT. LOS ANGELES STORM BASKETBALL STADIUM - EVENING

The Storm are warming up with lay-up lines across the court
from their opponent for the night - The Heat.

Courtside, the commentators Bill and Stan, run their pregame
show.

STAN
(to camera)
Tragedy struck the Los Angeles Storm
franchise this week as Santo Kasper,
the 8 time all star and 3-time ABL
champion died by suicide just a few
days ago. It is a true tragedy.
How can this franchise stay united
in this moment of such tremendous
sadness.
29.

BILL
It's a behemoth task to be sure. As
you've alluded to the emotions will
be unilaterally high. The league
offered the Storm a game off but
they've elected to play anyway. I
think that shows how badly these
players want to represent themselves,
Santo, and their franchise as a whole
as resilient and I think they should
feel proud of that.

INT. LOS ANGELES STORM BASKETBALL STADIUM - CENTER COURT -
LATER

The players are lined up facing eachother in preparation for
the national anthem. The PA announcer addresses the crowd.

PA ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight our
whole community mourns the passing
of an ABL legend, in Santo Kasper.
Here to say a few words on behalf of
the Storm organization is 3x all-
star Larry Wilder.

Cheers from the crowd as Larry takes center court beneath
the cascading light of a single spotlight.

Larry speaks with microphone in hand.

LARRY
I never thought I'd stand in this
arena, before a crowd like this,
under these circumstances. Santo
will always be missed. He will always
be in all our hearts. And he will
never be forgotten.

The crowd stands and applauds. Some fans wipe tears from
their eyes.

LARRY (CONT'D)
I learned a valuable lesson playing
alongside Santo, here on the Storm.
The lesson is this. In the heat of
competition, there is no such thing
as envy. Now, I'm just Larry. I was
what most of you probably think of
as the third fiddle.

Laughs from the crowd.
30.

LARRY (CONT'D)
I don't take offense, I know it's
true. Santo and Ron, they were way
better than me.

More appreciative chuckling.

LARRY (CONT'D)
But when we were on this court
together, and we were chasing those
rings, there were times when I looked
to Santo and Ron when they were doing
better than me and there were times
when I looked to them and they were
doing worse than me. If they were
doing better, I felt pride in them,
and I aspired to play better with
them. If they were doing worse than
me, I felt a sense of responsibility
to play my hardest, to keep us afloat,
and inspire their greatness to come
out. But no where in that equation
did I ever feel anything like envy.

The crowd waits in pensieve silence for Larry to continue.

LARRY (CONT'D)
What fills its place is something
hard to explain, but I think it’s a
lot like love.

A beat.

LARRY (CONT'D)
If I could put what Santo was to me
into a single word, it would be
brother. He fought for me for the
sake of a shared goal. I just tried
to best to stand by his side. Find
the people in life you have nothing
in common with besides a goal. Be
there for them. Let them be there
for you.

Applause begin.

LARRY (CONT'D)
(shouting)
And lets go Storm! Let's get a win
for Santo!

Raucous cheers.
31.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary Following the tragic suicide of star player Santo Kasper, the Los Angeles Storm prepares to play their game. Commentators discuss the team's decision to play despite the loss, and the scene shifts to the pre-game ceremony. Larry Wilder, Santo's teammate, delivers an emotional speech, honoring his friend and inspiring the team to play with love and brotherhood. The scene ends with Larry urging the team to get a win for Santo, and the crowd erupting in cheers.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Lack of suspense

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions, provides a poignant tribute to the deceased character, and sets a reflective tone for the upcoming basketball game. The dialogue is heartfelt and resonates with the audience, making it a powerful and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of honoring a fallen teammate and emphasizing the bonds of brotherhood in a sports team is well-executed. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for the emotional journey of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the emotional impact of Santo Kasper's death on the team and sets up the upcoming basketball game as a pivotal moment for the characters. It effectively builds tension and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on sportsmanship, teamwork, and grief in a competitive setting. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and interactions adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Larry Wilder, are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions from sadness to pride. Their interactions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Larry Wilder, undergo emotional changes as they reflect on Santo Kasper's death and the impact it has on their team. The scene sets the stage for character growth and development in future events.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to honor the memory of Santo Kasper and find a way to cope with the grief and loss they are experiencing. This reflects their deeper need for closure and emotional healing.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to play the basketball game and represent themselves, Santo, and their franchise as resilient in the face of tragedy. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining composure and unity in a difficult situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is an underlying sense of conflict due to Santo Kasper's death, the scene primarily focuses on emotional reflection and unity rather than external conflicts. The conflict is more internal and emotional in nature.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external challenges related to grief, unity, and personal growth. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty and complexity of the characters' emotional journeys.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional weight of Santo Kasper's death and the team's determination to honor his memory create a sense of importance and significance in the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the emotional aftermath of Santo Kasper's death and setting up the upcoming basketball game as a pivotal moment for the characters. It lays the foundation for future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as the characters navigate grief, unity, and personal growth in unexpected ways. The audience is kept on their toes by the evolving dynamics and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of teamwork, sportsmanship, and overcoming envy. Larry's speech highlights the importance of supporting and uplifting teammates, rather than succumbing to envy or rivalry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, pride, and unity in the audience. The heartfelt tribute to Santo Kasper and the characters' emotional journey resonate deeply with the viewers.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant, heartfelt, and impactful, capturing the essence of loss, unity, and resilience. It effectively conveys the emotions of the characters and engages the audience in the tribute to Santo Kasper.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and thematic resonance. The audience is drawn into the story through the heartfelt dialogue and compelling performances.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, emotional resonance, and thematic depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact and engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in the sports drama genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure, moving from the warm-up to Larry's speech with clear transitions and pacing. The formatting adheres to the expected format for a sports drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a heavy topic of suicide, which is a sensitive subject that should be handled with care and respect. The transition from discussing Santo's suicide to the basketball game may feel abrupt and could benefit from a smoother segue.
  • The dialogue between the commentators Bill and Stan feels a bit forced and overly expository. It could be more natural and engaging by incorporating more subtle ways to convey the information about Santo's death and the team's decision to play.
  • Larry's speech, while heartfelt, could be more impactful with a deeper exploration of his emotions and the impact of Santo's death on him personally. Adding more layers to his character and his relationship with Santo could enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • The theme of unity and brotherhood is powerful, but it could be further developed to create a stronger connection with the audience. Exploring the dynamics between the players and their shared experiences could add depth to the message Larry is trying to convey.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling, such as showing the reactions of the crowd, the players, and incorporating visual cues to complement the emotional beats of the speech.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening to create a smoother transition from the discussion of Santo's suicide to the basketball game, maintaining the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Refine the dialogue between the commentators to make it more natural and engaging, avoiding overly expository language.
  • Deepen Larry's speech by exploring his emotions and the impact of Santo's death on him personally, adding layers to his character and relationship with Santo.
  • Further develop the theme of unity and brotherhood by exploring the dynamics between the players and their shared experiences, creating a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Incorporate more visual elements to enhance the storytelling, showing the reactions of the crowd, players, and using visual cues to complement the emotional beats of the speech.



Scene 13 -  Larry's Hot Streak
INT. STADIUM - COURT - LATER

It's the third quarter, 9:05 on the clock. The Storm trail
The Heat 63-58

Larry sits on the bench. His coach approaches.

COACH SPRIGGS
Larry, get in there. Give us some
energy.

Larry bounds to the scorers table.

On the court The Storm's CENTER (20's), a 7-footer, takes
the ball in the post. He is swarmed by outside defenders
and lazily flings a pass out of bounds.

Larry subs in, taking high-fives from his teammates.

LARRY
Let's go now.

As Larry slaps a teammates hand, time momentarily slows and
we see a flicker of light in Larry's eyes.

The ball is inbounded. Larry hunkers down on the point guard
bringing the ball up court.

Bill and Stan call the game sideline.

STAN (O.S.)
Wilder playing stiff defense.

Larry steals the ball and looks to be breaking away when he
dribbles out to the wing.

STAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Stolen away. Setting up a play.

Larry flings a no-look pass to the streaking Center, who
takes the pass at the free throw line and dunks it
emphatically a step later.

STAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Big dunk for The Storm!

The Heat bring the ball up court quickly and toss the ball
into the corner where a 3-point shot is jacked up and misses.
The storm rebound.

STAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
One and done for The Heat and Wilder
has it in the backcourt.
32.

Larry dribbles up court and then in the frontcourt begins to
cross-up his defender. The lesser defender stumbles as the
crowd 'ooo's'.

Larry confidently knocks down a long range three pointer.

STAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Sweet handles and an even sweeter
finish from Wilder. Fantastic!

The score reads 63-63.

BILL (O.S.)
Larry Wilder making consecutive
tremendous plays and making it look
easy. That's fun.

The Heat are again in their frontcourt. They sling a pass
to the wing. Then a pass to the corner is deflected and
stolen by The Storm.

STAN (O.S.)
Another turnover for The Heat.

Larry leads the fastbreak down the middle of the floor.

Time slows.

Larry leaps and cocks back the ball for a vicious dunk-
attempt.

Time returns to full speed.

The Heat defender is in position to contest the dunk-attempt
and Larry misses the dunk off the heal of the rim.

BILL (O.S.)
Oh my word. Larry Wilder going up
unafraid.

Larry petitions the REFEREE (50's) for a foul call.

LARRY
He got me on the wrist.

REFEREE
It was clean.

LARRY
It was clean? Are you serious? No
way. You got your contacts in?

REFEREE
Watch it Larry.
33.

LARRY
Watch it? Are you kidding me? You
missed the fucking call.

The referee blows his whistle and issues a technical foul.

STAN (O.S.)
Now Larry Wilder has just been issued
a technical foul.

BILL (O.S.)
That's a tough one. Playing great
though. Obviously frustrated he
didn't get that call but he's not
one to stay hot for long.

Coach Sprigss signals for a timeout.

Larry continues to jaw at the referee.

LARRY
That's a bullshit call. A bullshit
call.

BILL (O.S.)
But he's not calming down. Still
jawing.

His teammates come over and separate him from the referee.

REFEREE
Cool it Larry. You're not getting
thrown out of this one.

STAN (O.S.)
Certainly uncharacteristic of Larry
Wilder.

LARRY
That was a bullshit call.

His teammates continue to move him towards the bench.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Bullshit.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary Trailing by five points in the third quarter, Larry enters the game and ignites the Storm with a steal, assist, and three-pointer to tie the score. After another steal and a blocked dunk attempt, Larry's heated argument with the referee about a missed foul call results in a technical foul. The game goes into a timeout as Larry continues to vent his frustration.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possibly excessive focus on Larry Wilder's frustration

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and competitiveness of a basketball game, with strong character interactions and high emotional stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a pivotal moment in a basketball game where a player faces challenges and frustrations is well executed.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the basketball game and the conflict between the players, driving the scene forward with intensity and drama.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on a common sports scenario, showcasing the internal struggles and external challenges faced by a basketball player during a game. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Larry Wilder, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

Larry Wilder experiences frustration and conflict, showcasing a change in his demeanor and attitude throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Larry's internal goal is to prove himself as a valuable player and make a significant impact on the game. This reflects his desire for recognition, success, and validation of his skills.

External Goal: 7

Larry's external goal is to help his team win the game by scoring points, playing defense, and contributing to the team's success. This reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming the opponent and achieving victory.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Larry Wilder and the referee adds tension to the scene, heightening the stakes and emotional impact.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Larry facing challenges from the opposing team, the referee's decisions, and his own emotions, creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the basketball game, combined with the personal conflicts and frustrations of the characters, create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges and conflicts faced by the characters, setting up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the outcome of Larry's actions, the referee's decisions, and the overall impact on the game's result.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Larry's sense of fairness and justice, as he feels he was fouled but the referee disagrees. This challenges Larry's beliefs about integrity, honesty, and the importance of fair play in sports.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly frustration and tension, as the characters face challenges and setbacks.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and reflects the competitive nature of the game, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with intense basketball action, emotional character interactions, and a suspenseful conflict between Larry and the referee.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast tempo, building tension, and alternating between action sequences and dialogue exchanges to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with clear action sequences, dialogue exchanges, and character interactions that build tension and advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus on the main conflict or tension that drives the story forward. While the basketball game serves as a backdrop, there is no clear connection to the overarching mystery of Santo Kasper's death and the brain computer interface.
  • The dialogue between Larry and the referee feels forced and cliched, lacking depth and authenticity. The exchange comes across as predictable and does not add to the character development or plot progression.
  • The play-by-play commentary from Bill and Stan feels repetitive and unnecessary, adding little to the scene's impact. Instead of enhancing the tension or excitement, it distracts from the core emotional and narrative elements.
  • The visual descriptions of the basketball plays lack specificity and fail to create a vivid and engaging picture for the reader. More detailed and dynamic imagery could enhance the scene's intensity and draw readers into the action.
  • The emotional stakes of the scene, particularly Larry's frustration and outburst, feel contrived and melodramatic. A more nuanced exploration of Larry's internal conflict and the impact of Santo's death on his performance could add depth and authenticity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Integrate the basketball game more effectively with the central mystery of Santo Kasper's death and the brain computer interface. Connect Larry's performance on the court to the larger themes and conflicts of the screenplay.
  • Revise the dialogue between Larry and the referee to make it more authentic and character-driven. Focus on revealing insights into Larry's personality, motivations, and emotional state through his interactions.
  • Consider streamlining the play-by-play commentary to focus on key moments that advance the plot or reveal character dynamics. Use commentary sparingly to enhance the scene's impact rather than detract from it.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the basketball plays to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader. Use vivid language and sensory details to bring the action to life and evoke a sense of excitement and tension.
  • Revisit the emotional beats of the scene to ensure they feel genuine and resonate with the audience. Develop Larry's internal conflict and emotional journey more fully to create a compelling and relatable character arc.



Scene 14 -  The Mysterious Game of Psi
EXT. STRIP MALL - PARKING LOT - EVENING - FLASHBACK

4.5 Months before Santo's Suicide

As the sun sets, Marcus sits in a parked vehicle in front of
a storefront. The adjacent stores are all closed, but this
one, 'Geeks R Us', remains open.
34.

Marcus exits the vehicle wearing a backpack and enters the
store carrying a single ordinary grocery bag with contents
unknown.

INT. GEEKS R US - CONTINUOUS

The TECH STORE GUY (30's), glasses, unkempt hair, generally
geeky - looks up from behind the counter.

TECH STORE GUY
How can I help you?

MARCUS
I have an electronic console and I
need you to tell me what it's used
for.

TECH STORE GUY
Alright. Is that it?

He points to Marcus' bag.

MARCUS
Yes.

Tech story guy gestures for the device.

Marcus approaches the desk and places the bag on the counter.
The tech guy's eyes go to Marcus' hands as he reaches in and
pulls out:

The Game of Psi Console - A healthy-sized electronic console,
similar in appearance to a PS5. Thin, tall (for a console),
the only marking on the otherwise black computational device
is a golden etching of the word 'PSI'.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
What do you think?

TECH STORE GUY
Hmm. This is kinda cool. Never seen
anything quite like it. If you wanted
to know it's end use I'd really need
to take a closer look.

Marcus nods.

MARCUS
That's fine.

INT. GEEKS R US - LATER

Marcus sits in the waiting area of the store on a chair. A
light remains on, but the sign out front reads closed.
35.

The Tech Store Guy comes out of the back room.

TECH STORE GUY
Alright. Come on.

He ushers Marcus into the back of the store.

INT. BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Marcus and Tech Store Guy walk into the back of the store
where various computers, consoles, phones, etc. are in parts
scattered across the counter and table surfaces that fill
the room.

TECH STORE GUY
Can I ask where you got this?

They approach the Game of Psi console, on a table top, plugged
into a flat-screen monitor.

MARCUS
No. You figured out what it does?

TECH STORE GUY
I think so but it doesn't do much.

MARCUS
Show me.

Tech store guy presses the power button on the psi console
and it lights up as the flat screen also springs to life.

The word 'PSI' appears on the screen. Just for a moment.

TECH STORE GUY
I hotwired it for power. Wasn't too
difficult.

The screen is black a moment, then it turns blue and three
human shaped digital avatars appear side by side across the
screen. A white text input box sits at the bottom.

Each avatar rotates on a central axis and is a different
size with different physical features than each of the others.
Each has a number on it's chest. Three numbers; 13, 20 and
33.

MARCUS
What is this?

TECH STORE GUY
(matter of fact)
Three guys rotating on a blue screen.
36.

MARCUS
There must be something else it does.

TECH STORE GUY
I sampled all the numeric inputs 1-
100 here in this text input box.
This works with any of these three
avatar's numbers. Watch.

Tech store guy keys in 13 in the text box. Enter.

A new box of text appears: 'Error: Game not in progress.
Enhancement can not occur.'

MARCUS
(reading)
Error: Game not in progress.
Enhancement can not occur?

Tech store guy keys in 20 next. The same error message
appears.

TECH STORE GUY
I'm guessing there's another
technology or software that this is
meant to pair with but I really don't
know.

MARCUS
Do you have something to write with?

TECH STORE GUY
Sure.

He grabs a pen and pad off a nearby counter top and hands it
to Marcus.

TECH STORE GUY (CONT'D)
If you can figure out how to get the
'game in progress' it's probably a
different story.

Marcus jots down: '13 / 20 / 33' on the pad, then quickly
rips the piece of paper out of the pad, folds it and puts it
in his pocket.

TECH STORE GUY (CONT'D)
No easy way to connect software
though. Very, very weird if you-

MARCUS
(stern)
Hey.

Tech story guy quiets down.
37.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Shut up.

Marcus holds out the backpack.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Put the console in the bag and don't
tell nobody about this.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Four and a half months before his suicide, Marcus visits Geeks R Us, a tech store, carrying a peculiar electronic console called the Game of Psi. He demands that the Tech Store Guy figure out its purpose. The console features three rotating human avatars and accepts numeric inputs, but only displays an error message indicating that a 'game is not in progress.' Marcus becomes frustrated and takes back the console, instructing the Tech Store Guy to keep the encounter a secret. The scene leaves the Game of Psi's true nature and Marcus's motives shrouded in mystery.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a compelling mystery and sets up intriguing plot elements that capture the audience's attention.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Game of Psi console is unique and innovative, adding a layer of complexity and intrigue to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up multiple storylines that promise suspense and mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and enigmatic technology, the Game of Psi console, which adds a fresh and original element to the story. The characters' interactions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the sense of mystery and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced in a way that hints at their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the unfolding story.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints at character motivations and dynamics, but no significant character changes occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the mystery of the Game of Psi console and understand its purpose. This reflects his curiosity, determination, and possibly a desire for knowledge or power.

External Goal: 7

Marcus's external goal is to keep the existence and capabilities of the Game of Psi console a secret, as indicated by his instructions to the Tech Store Guy to not tell anyone about it. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of protecting a potentially valuable or dangerous technology.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy, as well as the mysterious nature of the Game of Psi console, adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, as Marcus navigates the discovery of the Game of Psi console and the potential consequences of its existence. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of Marcus's actions.

High Stakes: 7

The discovery of the Game of Psi console and the implications it holds for the characters and the story raise the stakes and add urgency to the plot.

Story Forward: 9

The scene introduces key plot elements and sets up important storylines, moving the narrative forward at a brisk pace.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown capabilities and purpose of the Game of Psi console, as well as the secretive and potentially dangerous nature of the technology. The audience is left wondering about the implications of Marcus's discovery.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of possessing and potentially exploiting advanced technology like the Game of Psi console. Marcus's actions and decisions may be influenced by his moral compass and beliefs about the responsible use of such technology.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and mystery rather than emotional depth, but there is an underlying sense of tension and curiosity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is concise and serves to advance the plot while also revealing character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the discovery of the mysterious technology, and the dynamic interaction between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy. The audience is drawn into the mystery and eager to learn more about the Game of Psi console.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of the Game of Psi console and its capabilities. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue, following the standard screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively building tension and intrigue. The formatting adheres to the expected format for a mystery or sci-fi genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the purpose and function of the Game of Psi console, leaving the audience confused about its significance.
  • The dialogue between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making the interaction less engaging.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and intrigue around the mysterious console, as the scene fails to create a sense of urgency or mystery.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and convey the importance of the console.
  • The character dynamics between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy could be further developed to add depth and complexity to their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose and function of the Game of Psi console early on in the scene to engage the audience and create intrigue.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy to make their interaction more dynamic and engaging.
  • Introduce elements of mystery and suspense to build tension around the console and its potential implications.
  • Use visual cues and descriptions to create a more immersive atmosphere and convey the significance of the console.
  • Develop the character dynamics between Marcus and the Tech Store Guy to add depth and complexity to their interaction, making it more compelling for the audience.



Scene 15 -  Mind Control Concerns
INT. FBI - SELENA'S DESK - MORNING - PRESENT

PRESENT

Selena works at her desk. Jason approaches.

JASON
How is that you're always here before
me?

SELENA
I get here on time.

JASON
Well I'm here now so catch me up.

SELENA
The intel came back on Dr. Brown.

JASON
Do tell.

SELENA
Very impressive guy. A Military
doctor. Reached the rank of captain.
Studied at Harvard. Very wealthy
though records show no consistent
practice of medicine to account for
it. He was very good friends with
Henry Waters though so perhaps money
just wasn't something he worried
about. He also served three seasons
as the team physician for the Los
Angeles Storm, the three years they
won ABL Championships.

JASON
He was the team physician? For
Santo's team?

SELENA
Courtside at every game for 3
championships. Retired at the end
of last season
38.

JASON
Fleeing the scene perhaps? Does he
still work?

SELENA
Not that I could find. No books, or
philanthropy work. Very rich. Very
secluded. But I would find it weird
if he was that close to both Henry
Waters and the storm franchise and
he knew nothing about this.

JASON
So what's the plan?

SELENA
If something is off and he knows it,
he might be motivated to try and
clean things up. If we wait and
watch we might be able to catch him
with his hand in the cookie jar.
Then we have the leverage to find
out what we need to find out.

JASON
Good. I like it.

SELENA
There's more. I was doing some
statistical analysis.

She pulls out a sheet of basketball statistics for Santo
Kasper and Larry Wilder.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Santo Kasper and Larry Wilder were
two of three 'pillars' of the Storm
dynasty. Santo Kasper was going to
be 35 next month. In his 14th season
he was playing statistically the
best ball of his life.

She points to his career PPG listed by Season. The last
row, his current season, shows a total of 24.9.

SELENA (CONT'D)
24.9 points per game this season.
That's against a 21.7 career average.
It's significant. His last 3 games
before his death he hit 40, 40 and
45. This very well could be the
effects of the mind control.
39.

JASON
If this is all true and Santo had
one of these devices in him and it
was making him play better, why would
he be the only one?

SELENA
Well that's exactly what I found
next. Enter Larry Wilder.

She switches sheets to Larry's statistics.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Larry was not averaging career highs,
but he came off the bench this year
whereas in the past he started.
Recently, there's been a correlation
between Larry coming off the bench
and scoring big in tandem with big
nights from Santo. Check out these
box scores.

She shows him a couple of nights where Larry scored 22, 28,
and 24 next to Santo scoring 32, 39, and 29.

JASON
When Santo excelled so did Larry.

SELENA
Which would make sense if they're
being controlled because if someone
is going to the trouble of
manipulating these athletes, it's
bound to be about as easy to control
two of them as one. But then...

JASON
What?

SELENA
If Larry has a BCI in him like Santo,
one of the side effects was psychosis.
Larry's in just as much trouble as
Santo was.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Selena presents her findings to Jason about Dr. Brown, the former team physician for the Los Angeles Storm. She reveals Dr. Brown's wealth and his connections to both Henry Waters and the Storm franchise. Selena then analyzes the statistics of Santo Kasper and Larry Wilder, two key Storm players, finding significant correlations between their performances and the possibility of mind control devices. She believes both players may have been affected by a brain-computer interface (BCI) and expresses concern that Larry Wilder could be in danger.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Compelling plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High conflict level
  • Significant story progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Potential for information overload

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a compelling plot, well-developed characters, and intense dialogue. It sets up a gripping mystery and raises the stakes for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control through brain computer interfaces is innovative and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to the story and raises thought-provoking questions about ethics and manipulation.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-paced, with multiple layers of mystery and suspense. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and drives the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique premise of mind control devices in athletes and explores the consequences of such manipulation. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The scene focuses on the FBI agents' investigation, adding depth to their personalities and highlighting their determination to uncover the truth.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly the FBI agents, undergo a shift in their investigation as they uncover new information about the brain computer interface. This discovery challenges their beliefs and motivations, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Dr. Brown's suspicious activities and connections, reflecting her dedication to her job and her desire for justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to catch Dr. Brown in the act of wrongdoing to gain leverage in the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the discovery of the brain computer interface leading to a complex investigation and raising the stakes for the characters involved. It creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in uncovering the truth and dealing with the ethical implications of their investigation. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the discovery of the brain computer interface potentially implicating powerful individuals and exposing a dangerous conspiracy. The characters' lives and reputations are on the line as they delve deeper into the mystery.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the brain computer interface, setting up a central mystery, and deepening the investigation. It propels the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the revelation of mind control devices in athletes. The audience is left wondering about the true motives behind the characters' actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethics of manipulating athletes for performance enhancement and the consequences of such actions on the individuals involved.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of concern and intrigue, drawing the audience into the mystery surrounding Santo Kasper's death and the potential manipulation of athletes. It sets up emotional stakes for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing important information about the investigation and the characters' relationships. It adds tension and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high-stakes investigation, detailed analysis of evidence, and the characters' dynamic interactions. The dialogue is sharp and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear character cues and dialogue tags. It adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy investigative scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical investigative format, with characters discussing evidence and forming a plan of action. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene provides a lot of exposition and information, which can be overwhelming for the audience. Consider breaking up the dialogue with more action or visual elements to keep the scene engaging.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too expository at times, with characters directly stating information that could be shown through actions or interactions.
  • The transition between discussing Dr. Brown's background and the statistical analysis of Santo and Larry feels a bit abrupt. Consider smoothing out the transition to make the scene flow more naturally.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and character development. Consider adding more personal moments or interactions between Selena and Jason to make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene could benefit from more tension and conflict to keep the audience invested in the investigation and the characters' motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements or actions to break up the dialogue and make the scene more dynamic.
  • Show, don't tell - find ways to convey information through character actions or interactions rather than direct exposition.
  • Smooth out the transition between different topics by creating a more natural flow between discussing Dr. Brown and analyzing the basketball statistics.
  • Add emotional depth by exploring the characters' motivations and reactions to the information they uncover.
  • Introduce more tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged in the investigation and the characters' journey.



Scene 16 -  The Last Defense
INT. STORM PRACTICE FACILITY

The Storm players are split between warm-up stretches and
shooting around.

Selena and Jason stand in the corner with Coach Spriggs. He
points out the shortest basketball player out there - Larry.
He sports number 13.
40.

COACH SPRIGGS
That's Larry over there.

Larry shoots and makes consecutive threes while they watch.

JASON
Great shot.

COACH SPRIGGS
It's not a fluke. He's one of the
best shooters I've ever coached.

SELENA
Would it be helpful to talk to anyone
else?

She watches Larry shoot and swish another three.

COACH SPRIGGS
Larry was the only one here who really
knew Santo on a deep level. They
were best friends. Mind me asking
what you're investigating here?
Santo died by suicide.

Jason stares blankly. Selena chides in.

SELENA
Special request of the Governor.
Such an important figure, we're making
sure nothings out of place.

COACH SPRIGGS
Hmm. Okay.

SELENA
Is it okay to steal Larry for a little
while.

COACH SPRIGGS
Of course. Ask him to take you to
the film room.

INT. STORM PRACTICE FACILITY - FILM ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

The room has a large screen and a projector that hangs from
the ceiling. Large comfortable chairs fill the room.

Chairs have been rearranged in a way that Selena and Jason
face Larry while they talk.

JASON
...It's standard procedure.
(MORE)
41.

JASON (CONT'D)
Something so unexpected happens with
a public figure as respected and
well known as Santo, we need to cover
the bases on our end.

LARRY
Understood. Yeah, I'm happy to talk
with ya'll. Just a warning though
I've been feeling a little emotional
though so if I seem tense, you know
it's nothing personal.

SELENA
Can you tell us a little about your
friendship with Santo.

LARRY
(somber)
Santo was my best friend. He was my
brother. I just...I can't believe he
killed himself.

SELENA
Why?

LARRY
Because everyone who knew him loved
him, and to Santo that was the most
important thing. To love, and to be
loved. But yeah...we were best
friends. Talked on the phone every
day. Best men at each-other's
weddings.

SELENA
And...how would you characterize
Santo's mental health? Was he stable?

LARRY
As long as I knew him he was a rock.
Mentally, physically. He kept to a
small circle but he was a supportive
figure for everyone in it.

JASON
So his death is a complete surprise,
then?

LARRY
Well...not a complete surprise.
He'd been struggling the last month
or so.
42.

JASON
Just this last month?

Larry nods.

JASON (CONT'D)
But other than that you always knew
him to be mentally strong?

Larry nods again.

SELENA
Can you tell us what was different
this past month?

LARRY
Yeah, it didn't start out as much.

Larry pauses and looks around a little paranoid.

LARRY (CONT'D)
It's kind of hard to explain. You
need some background.

SELENA
What kind of background?

Larry scoots forward and rolls up his sleeve. His arm is
completely covered in tattoos but he points to one
specifically.

LARRY
You need to know about this.

Jason leans forward and examines the tattoo.

JASON
(reading)
'The Last Defense'. What's that?

He takes a moment to collect himself.

LARRY
Ok. So there was a game early in
Santo's and my first championship
season. We were down 14 points with
about three and a half minutes left
in the game. We were on our way to
losing and we all knew it.

The sound of a crowd cheering grows in the background.

CUT TO:
43.
Genres: null

Summary Investigators Selena and Jason interview Larry, Santo's best friend and teammate, at the Storm practice facility. Larry reveals Santo's recent mental struggles, but emphasizes Santo's past strength and support. He shows them a tattoo, 'The Last Defense', and begins to share a story about a crucial game during their first championship season, setting the stage for a dramatic recounting of a pivotal moment in their shared history.
Strengths null
Weaknesses null

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the investigation genre by intertwining themes of friendship, mental health, and sports. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the narrative, creating a compelling and multi-dimensional story.


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Santo's suicide and ensure that nothing is overlooked in the investigation. This reflects her deeper desire for justice and closure, as well as her fear of missing crucial details that could impact the case.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to interview Larry, Santo's best friend, to gather information about Santo's mental state leading up to his death. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of understanding Santo's motivations and potential warning signs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Larry's emotional state and reluctance to discuss Santo's death creating obstacles for the protagonists. The audience is left uncertain about Larry's true motivations and the potential impact of his revelations.

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about Santo's mental state and the emotional complexity of Larry's character. The shifting dynamics and hidden motivations add a layer of suspense and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of friendship, loyalty, and mental health. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the complexity of human relationships and the impact of mental health struggles on individuals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and suspenseful storytelling. The dialogue and interactions between the characters create a sense of intrigue and tension, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing dialogue-driven moments with visual descriptions and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and intrigue throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and scene transitions are well-executed, enhancing the readability and visual impact of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals key information through dialogue and character interactions. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow and pacing that keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scenes, making it feel disjointed from the rest of the script.
  • The dialogue between Selena, Jason, and Larry feels a bit forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity in the interaction.
  • The emotional impact of Santo's suicide and Larry's grief is not fully explored or portrayed effectively, missing an opportunity to engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • The exposition about 'The Last Defense' tattoo and the backstory of a crucial game in Santo and Larry's championship season feels rushed and could benefit from more development and context.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptive elements to enhance the setting and atmosphere, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition into the scene to better connect it with the preceding events and maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Focus on developing more natural and authentic dialogue that delves deeper into the emotional complexities of Santo's death and Larry's grief, creating a more compelling and relatable interaction.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Santo's suicide on Larry and delve into his internal struggles and conflicting emotions to add depth and complexity to his character.
  • Expand on the backstory of 'The Last Defense' tattoo and the crucial game in Santo and Larry's championship season, providing more context and detail to enrich the narrative and engage the audience.
  • Enhance the scene with vivid visual descriptions and atmospheric details to immerse the audience in the setting and create a more evocative and engaging cinematic experience.



Scene 17 -  The Game-Winning Shot
INT. PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL STADIUM

The downtrodden Storm are on defense. The body language of
some of the players betrays fatigue.

SANTO
(barking)
Let's go men. Here we are. Earn it
now.

LARRY (V.O.)
Santo always had what I'd call an
aura about him. A presence. So did
Ron Ball. He was our two time MVP.
But on this particular night...

The ball handler passes to the wing to Santo's guy. The
offensive player charges towards the basket and goes up for
a layup.

Santo charges in stride with him and leaps in tandem, swatting
the lay-up attempt emphatically away from the rim and into
the hands of a Storm teammate.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Santo must have felt what it is to
be a God.

INT. PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL STADIUM - MOMENTS LATER

On the offensive end of the floor, Ron dribbles in the post.

LARRY (V.O.)
I was never as good as Santo and Ron
but the team counted on me in big
minutes. I remember being nervous
this night. I don't know why.

Ron passes the ball out to Santo who dribbles between his
legs.

LARRY (CONT'D)
But then all of a sudden, I just
felt this...enlightenment... come
over me. And I felt powerful.

Santo drives to the basket as Ron sets a pick up top for
Larry to run around.

RON
Go Larry. Move.

Larry runs around the screen and catches the kick-out pass
from the driving Santo.
44.

LARRY (V.O.)
Really powerful.

Larry fires a line-drive dart 3-point attempt at the basket
and it barely moves the net on it's way down.

Larry starts to jog back down the floor. He's feeling it.

LARRY (O.S.) (CONT'D)
And clear. Like I would never need
to sleep again.

MONTAGE:

Santo swats another offensive shot attempt.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We rolled from there.

Ron dunks the ball and gets a foul called. He pumps his
fists and screams with the fans.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The energy was contagious. We held
them every possession on defense.

On the defensive end it's now Ron's turn to swat a shot
attempt into the stands.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
On offense we couldn't miss.

Larry pulls up for a mid range jumper and sinks it.

Santo backs down his defender and turns for a sweet turnaround
jumper that hits nothing but net.

Santo and Larry work the give and go to perfection, with
Santo receiving Larry's pass and slamming it home with
emphasis.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All of a sudden it was our ball.
Tied. 12 seconds left.

Santo dribbles up top, sizing up the smaller defender.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This was usually Ron's time to shine.
But Santo, as I said, he wasn't human
that night.

Santo begins to inch towards the basket, still dribbling
between his legs.
45.

He makes a hard drive right, all the while the defender
holding a line and forcing him out to the right wing. As he
approaches the corner he confidently turns and rises for the
off-balance baseline fadeaway.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'll never forget that shot.

Time slows for the ball to fly through the air towards the
basket.

LARRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Santo had hit game winners. But
this? This was sick. This was
premeditative.

Time returns to normal speed. Swish. The crowd goes wild.
Santo raises his arms to the sky for a moment before he is
tackled to the ground and covered by loving teammates.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The Storm are locked in a nail-biting basketball game, with the tension palpable throughout the stadium. Larry, our narrator, describes the electrifying atmosphere and the stellar performances of Santo and Ron, two key players. Larry experiences a surge of energy and clarity, leading to a string of successful plays for his team. With only 12 seconds left and the score tied, the game hangs in the balance. Santo, playing like a superhuman, takes a challenging shot from the corner and sinks it just as the buzzer sounds, securing a dramatic victory for the Storm.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense tone
  • Compelling narrative
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible cliches in sports genre
  • Limited exploration of other team members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines elements of sports, drama, and thriller genres to create a compelling and emotionally resonant narrative. The intense and reflective tone, coupled with the high-stakes basketball game, keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing Santo's exceptional basketball skills and leadership qualities in a crucial game is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the competitive spirit and emotional depth of the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot revolves around a pivotal moment in a basketball game where Santo's exceptional performance leads his team to victory. The scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the sports genre by delving into the internal thoughts and emotions of the protagonist during a high-stakes game. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Santo and Larry, are well-developed and their emotional journey is compelling. Santo's leadership and basketball prowess, contrasted with Larry's reflective narration, add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Santo's character undergoes a transformation as he rises to the occasion and showcases his leadership and basketball skills. Larry's reflective narration also adds depth to his character, revealing his admiration for Santo.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to feel powerful and enlightened through his performance in the basketball game. This reflects his deeper desire for validation and success.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to win the basketball game and make a game-winning shot. This reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming the opposing team and securing victory.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Santo and Larry grapple with their emotions and the pressure of the game. The competitive tension and high stakes of the basketball match add to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the rival team posing a challenge to the protagonist's goal of winning the game. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the intensity of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the basketball game, coupled with Santo's exceptional performance and the team's unity, create a sense of tension and excitement. The outcome of the game has significant implications for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Santo's exceptional performance and the team's victory in a crucial game. It sets the stage for further exploration of Santo's character and the impact of his leadership on the team.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the outcome of the game and the protagonist's performance, creating suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of human vs. superhuman abilities, as Santo's performance on the court transcends normal human capabilities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his own skills and potential.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, nostalgia, and determination. Santo's exceptional performance and the team's unity create a sense of triumph and camaraderie.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between the characters, especially Larry's voiceover, adds depth and emotional resonance to the scene. The interactions between Santo, Larry, and Ron convey the camaraderie and competitive spirit of the team.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines intense sports action with emotional depth, drawing the audience into the protagonist's journey and the outcome of the game.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, leading to the climactic moment of the game-winning shot. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting contributes to the immersive experience of the game.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a buildup of tension, a climax of the game-winning shot, and a resolution of victory. The pacing and formatting enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different moments and actions, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the reader.
  • The voiceover narration by Larry interrupts the flow of the scene and can be distracting, especially when it is not seamlessly integrated into the action.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, particularly the inner monologue of Larry, which comes across as overly dramatic and cliched.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging to help the reader visualize the intense basketball plays and the emotions of the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with some moments dragging on while others feel rushed, leading to a lack of tension and buildup towards the climax.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer progression of events, with smoother transitions between actions and moments.
  • Integrate the voiceover narration more organically into the scene, using it to enhance the storytelling rather than disrupt the flow.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of how basketball players would actually communicate on the court.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive experience for the reader, capturing the intensity and excitement of the basketball game.
  • Focus on maintaining a consistent pace throughout the scene, building tension and anticipation towards Santo's game-winning shot.



Scene 18 -  The Last Defense
INT. PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL STADIUM - COURTSIDE - MOMENTS
LATER

The players shake hands and exchange well-wishes on the court.

LARRY (V.O.)
After the game I walk up to Santo...

Larry and Santo shake and hug.

LARRY (CONT'D)
You were feeling it.

Santo smiles.

SANTO
Never been in a zone like that.

Larry chuckles.

LARRY
Alright brother. I'll see you in
the locker room.

They bump fists and Larry turns and starts walking away.

SANTO
Hey Larry!

Larry stops and turns. Santo approaches and lowers his voice.

SANTO (CONT'D)
You felt it too right?
46.

LARRY
Felt what?

SANTO
The energy. It was different tonight.
Wasn't it? I mean maybe it was just
me but-

Larry shrugs.

LARRY
Maybe that's just what winning feels
like.

Santo laughs.

SANTO
If winning's the drug I'm high on
it.

LARRY
Feels good.

SANTO
You know why we won though?

Larry shakes his head.

SANTO (CONT'D)
We stood up for ourselves. They
came for our pride and you know what
the last defense is when they come
for your pride? That feeling is you
and me. You and me. When they come
for our pride, we are the last
defense.

CUT TO:

INT. STORM PRACTICE FACILITY - FILM ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Selena listens with eyes wide.

LARRY
The last defense is what saved us
when we would have been beat. The
feeling of power. The will to win.
I always thought it was just some
kind of zone we'd both get into. A
delusion of our minds... but between
him and I there was a bit of real
weight to it.
47.

SELENA
So what does this imply about Santo's
mental health?

LARRY
Well, I understood that the last
defense was ultimately just a
superstition. Even if we both felt
it, and I acknowledge that I did,
that didn't mean there was a good
explanation. It was just good vibes
of the highest level to me. No big
deal. But in the month before he
died, Santo became convinced it was
more than that.

SELENA
You felt it too though?

LARRY
Look he thought someone was doing
something to us and that's why we
felt that way. He thought someone
was doing something to us to make us
play better. It was crazy. It didn't
make sense.

SELENA
What did you do when he told you
this?

LARRY
I told him if he really thought that
maybe he should go to the doctor.
So he did.

JASON
Do you know what the doctor told
him?

LARRY
He said Santo might be experiencing
symptoms of mental illness and
prescribed him some pills. I don't
really know the specifics, just that
he was taking the pills.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Sports"]

Summary Larry recounts a game where he and Santo played exceptionally well, attributing their success to a feeling of being 'in the zone' together. Santo believes this feeling is due to a shared sense of power and protection against those who would challenge their pride, a concept he calls the 'last defense'. Larry initially dismisses this as superstition but reveals that Santo's belief in this 'last defense' grew to the point where he sought medical help, believing someone was manipulating them to play better. This suggests a potential mental health issue that Santo was struggling with.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Exploration of mental health in sports
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the plot may be predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, mystery, and sports, creating a compelling and emotional narrative. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The exploration of mental health in professional sports, the superstition of 'The Last Defense,' and the potential influence of mind control devices on athletes are innovative and thought-provoking concepts.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a mix of mystery and emotional depth, revealing important information about Santo's mental state and the potential external influences on the athletes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the intersection of sports, superstition, and mental health, offering a unique exploration of belief systems and their impact on relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Santo and Larry, are well-developed and their interactions reveal complex emotions and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Santo's character undergoes a significant change as his mental health deteriorates, leading to his tragic decision. Larry also experiences a shift in perspective regarding 'The Last Defense.'

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand and come to terms with Santo's belief in a supernatural force affecting their gameplay. This reflects Larry's need to make sense of his friend's mental state and potentially his own beliefs.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to recount the events leading up to Santo's death and the impact of his beliefs on their friendship. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Santo's mental health and its consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, particularly in Santo's internal struggles and the potential external forces affecting the athletes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Santo's belief in a supernatural force challenging Larry's rational perspective, creating tension and uncertainty in their relationship.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of Santo's mental health, the potential manipulation of athletes, and the impact on the professional sports world.

Story Forward: 8

The scene provides important information about Santo's mental state, the potential external influences on athletes, and sets up further investigation into these themes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Santo's beliefs and the philosophical conflict it introduces, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the belief in superstition and mental illness. Santo's conviction in a supernatural force clashes with Larry's rational explanation, challenging their beliefs and understanding of reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the interactions between Santo and Larry, and the revelation of Santo's mental health struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, revealing important information about the characters' thoughts and feelings, as well as advancing the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of intense sports action, emotional depth, and philosophical conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey and beliefs.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances intense sports moments with reflective dialogue, creating a rhythm that enhances the emotional and thematic resonance of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and transitions between locations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that transitions smoothly between different settings and conversations, maintaining a clear focus on the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of showcasing the camaraderie between Larry and Santo after a game, setting a positive and friendly tone.
  • The dialogue between Larry and Santo about feeling a surge of energy and power during the game is intriguing and adds depth to their characters.
  • The concept of 'the last defense' and the feeling of power and protection against challenges to their pride is an interesting element that adds layers to the story.
  • The scene effectively sets up Santo's increasing belief that someone was manipulating them to play better, leading to his seeking medical help for possible mental illness.
  • The transition to the Storm practice facility and Selena's questioning adds a sense of mystery and investigation to the scene, tying it back to the overarching plot.
  • Larry's admission that he also felt the energy but dismissed it as good vibes of the highest level adds complexity to his character and the dynamics between him and Santo.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and curiosity around Santo's mental state and the potential influence of external forces on the players.
  • The revelation that Santo sought medical help and was prescribed pills for symptoms of mental illness adds a layer of realism and complexity to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional depth of the scene, such as facial expressions, body language, or gestures.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating flashbacks or visual representations of the 'last defense' concept to provide a clearer understanding for the audience.
  • Further develop the dialogue between Larry and Santo to delve deeper into their shared experiences and the impact of their beliefs on their relationship.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing elements that allude to the potential manipulation of the players through mind control devices, adding a layer of suspense and intrigue.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the intensity of the game and the emotional weight of the conversation between Larry and Selena.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the on-court interaction and the investigative discussion, maintaining a cohesive flow throughout the scene.



Scene 19 -  The Notepad's Clues
EXT. PARKING LOT

Selena and Jason walk to their vehicle.

SELENA
The last defense must have been Larry
and Santo somehow gaining a sense of
(MORE)
48.

SELENA (CONT'D)
the mind control. That would mean
Larry has a BCI in him too.

JASON
The Storm are a subpar team this
season. If someone is trying to
enhance their players with brain
technology aren't they failing?

SELENA
Maybe not.

They reach their vehicle and get in.

INT. GOVERNMENT SUV - CONTINUOUS

Selena addresses Jason from the driver's seat.

SELENA
Look at the last 4 seasons. Santo
won 3 championships in a row. This
year, he's overperformed against an
already very strong career statistical
record. His overperformance could
be caused by the mind control as
could his sudden death. And it's
true they aren't winning this year
like the years before but if Larry
is playing well now someone could be
exploiting him for financial gain
through the betting markets.

JASON
You think someone's betting on him
specifically?

SELENA
I think whoever's at the controls'
motive may have shifted. From winning
games to winning bets. It's not
about rings anymore.



INT. CASINO - FRONT DESK - FLASHBACK

3 months before Santo's suicide

Marcus stands before the front desk of the upscale casino.
It isn't busy and there's no one currently at the desk.

Marcus rings the bell. A Staff Member (40), professional
attire, comes out from the back room.
49.

MARCUS
Checking in.

FRONT DESK PERSON
Absolutely. And do you have a
reservation?

MARCUS
Yes. Under Benson.

FRONT DESK PERSON
Benson.

He types.

FRONT DESK PERSON (CONT'D)
Marcus?

Marcus nods.

FRONT DESK PERSON (CONT'D)
I see you'll be staying in our
presidential suite. Excellent choice.

INT. PENTHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Sitting on a large leather couch that faces a huge flat screen
TV, Marcus opens his backpack and pulls out his laptop,
setting it on the coffee table before him.

He pulls something out of his pocket. It's the notepad from
the Geek's R Us shop. The numbers 13/20/33 are smudged but
remain.

He sets the notepad next to the laptop and opens a browser.

Typing into the search engine he keys in the words: 'Los
Angeles Storm Current Roster', then hits enter.

The results appear.

He opens a list of players on the active Storm Roster. His
mouse moves quickly to the players jersey numbers. He runs
his mouse down the list, stopping at 13, then running his
mouse to the associated name: Larry Wilder.

He looks to the notepad. Two numbers remain, 20 and 33.

He continues to run his mouse along the numbers. He finds
33. The name attached: Santo Kasper.

He does not see a #20 anywhere.

MARCUS
No number 20.
50.

He types into the search bar again. Los Angeles Storm.
Number 20. Results populate the screen.

He runs his mouse across the words of the search engines
profile of 'Ron Ball. Former Professional Athlete.'

'3-time ABL Champion.' '2-time MVP'. 'Retired'.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Retired.

Marcus wipes the sweat from his brow.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Two out of three.
Genres: null

Summary Selena and Jason speculate that Larry might be under mind control, used for financial gain through betting markets. A flashback reveals Marcus checking into a casino three months before Santo's suicide. He uses a notepad from Geek's R Us to research the Los Angeles Storm roster. Two numbers on the notepad correspond to players Larry Wilder and Santo Kasper. Marcus finds Ron Ball, a former champion athlete, connected to the third number. He's two out of three, confirming his pursuit of those behind the BCI technology.
Strengths null
Weaknesses null

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sports conspiracy genre, combining elements of technology, manipulation, and mystery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mind control and manipulation of the basketball players. She is driven by a desire for justice and to protect the integrity of the game.

External Goal: 7

Selena's external goal is to investigate the connection between the mind control technology and financial gain through betting markets. She wants to expose any corruption and manipulation in the sports industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives and hidden agendas driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the true intentions of the key players.

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, keeping the audience guessing about the true motives and outcomes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethics of using technology to enhance athletic performance and the consequences of such manipulation. It challenges Selena's beliefs about fair play and integrity in sports.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing plot developments, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of dialogue and action. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The transition from Selena and Jason walking to their vehicle to the flashback of Marcus checking into a casino is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Selena and Jason feels a bit exposition-heavy, with a lot of information being conveyed through conversation. It could benefit from more natural and organic dialogue.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, relying heavily on dialogue to convey information. Adding more visual elements could enhance the scene and make it more engaging for the reader.
  • The flashback to Marcus checking into the casino feels disconnected from the conversation between Selena and Jason. Finding a more seamless way to integrate the flashback into the present-day scene could improve the overall coherence of the script.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development, especially in the interactions between Selena and Jason. Adding layers to their relationship and individual motivations could make the scene more compelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between Selena and Jason's conversation and the flashback to Marcus checking into the casino.
  • Focus on balancing exposition with natural dialogue to make the conversation between Selena and Jason more engaging and realistic.
  • Incorporate more visual descriptions and actions to enhance the scene and provide a more immersive reading experience.
  • Integrate the flashback more seamlessly into the present-day scene to improve the flow and coherence of the script.
  • Explore opportunities to deepen the emotional impact of the scene by delving into the characters' motivations and relationships.



Scene 20 -  The Game Changer
INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Marcus paces in front of the television, breathing heavily
and sweating.

He finally settles himself on the couch facing the flat
screen. He powers on the television.

In front of him on a table are the game of psi console and
the laptop it is plugged into.

MARCUS
Alright.

He reaches out for the game of psi console. He presses the
button in the center and the device lights up all over.

A blue light at the top of the devices antenna begins to
flash on and off a few times before turning to a steady blue
glow.

He opens the laptop now too. The game of psi software runs
on the screen.

He picks up the television remote and powers on the
television.

The storm game has started. There are 6 minutes remaining
in the first quarter. The Storm trail the Thunder by 13
already. 25-12.

The commentators are heard saying:

COMMENTATOR 1
An inauspicious start for the storm,
who look a little shell shocked here
early.
51.

Santo Kasper dribbles up court. He passes to his wingman
who passes back. Santo begins to back down his defender.
The defender's quick hands poke the ball free and the defender
recovers the ball for the steal.

COMMENTATOR 2
Kasper backing down his defender...and
it's poked loose for a steal. Wow,
you know the game started 10 minutes
ago but I don't think anyone told
the Storm.

Marcus presses mute on the remote and the sound of the
broadcast disappears.

Marcus turns his attention back to the laptop. A window
pops up: 'Game in Progress. Proceed to Game Mode Y/N?'

Marcus keys in Y. The screen goes black for a minute, then
a new window opens.

The 3 Avatars appear. Side-by-side, the numbers 13, 20, and
33 appear on their chests.

At the bottom of the screen is a box to input text.

A new prompt: 'Select athlete for enhancement'. Marcus keys
in '33'.

The number 33 avatar comes forward and gives way to a new
screen:

On this screen, an avatar of the body of Santo Kasper sits
along the right side of the screen. Metrics of vital signs
to include heart rate, brain waves and hormone levels are
also found on the screen.

A meter labeled from 1-100 fills the middle of the screen.
It is empty. Below it, another text box.

'Select enhancement level, 1-100'.

Marcus keys in '50' and hits enter. The meter fills half
way.

A new prompt reads: 'Enhancement Commencing'.

Santo's on-screen hormone level's begin to dramatically spike
as does his brain activity.

MARCUS
What the hell?

He picks up the remote and unmutes the TV. The Storm are on
defense now.
52.

Santo Kasper guards the Thunder point guard at the top of
the key.

COMMENTATOR 1 (O.S.)
Thunder ball now. Up 15 early and
the Storm need a spark.

Sitting upright on the couch Marcus' gaze shifts to the
software running on his laptop. Zooming in towards the
floating avatar, it begins to flash in place before a light
comes on in the back of the avatar's (Santo's) head.

Floating through the neural pathways of Santo's brain,
flickering bursts of energy come on abruptly and continue to
gain in intensity.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Sports"]

Summary Marcus, in his luxurious penthouse suite, watches the Storm struggle in a basketball game. Determined to help, he utilizes a sophisticated program to enhance the performance of player Santo Kasper. The software, seamlessly integrated with his laptop, begins to alter Santo's brain activity, increasing his alertness and reflexes. Marcus anxiously observes the game, watching as his technology subtly influences the outcome.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Engaging plot development
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential need for more character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and sets up a compelling mystery surrounding the use of technology to manipulate athletes. The combination of sports action, technological intrigue, and character development keeps the audience hooked.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a brain computer interface to enhance an athlete's performance is fresh and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to the story and raises questions about ethics and manipulation.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Marcus discovers the capabilities of the game of psi console and its potential impact on athletes like Santo Kasper. The introduction of mind control technology adds depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of real-time athlete enhancement through technology, exploring the ethical implications of such advancements. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Marcus and Santo Kasper, are starting to reveal more depth and complexity. Their actions and reactions to the technology showcase their motivations and fears.

Character Changes: 6

The scene hints at potential character changes, especially for Marcus as he uncovers the truth behind the technology. Santo Kasper's past struggles also hint at a deeper character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus' internal goal is to successfully enhance Santo Kasper's performance using the game of psi software. This reflects his desire for control, power, and possibly a competitive edge.

External Goal: 7

Marcus' external goal is to help the Storm team win the basketball game by enhancing Santo Kasper's abilities. This reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming a deficit and turning the game around.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the discovery of the brain computer interface and its potential implications for athletes like Santo Kasper. There is a sense of urgency and danger as Marcus delves deeper into the mystery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Marcus faces the challenge of enhancing Santo Kasper's performance while grappling with the ethical implications. The audience is unsure of the outcome and the consequences.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters uncover a dangerous technology that could have far-reaching consequences for athletes and the world of sports. The mystery and potential manipulation add to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the brain computer interface and its implications for the characters. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected consequences of enhancing Santo Kasper's performance and the moral dilemma it presents. The audience is left wondering how it will impact the game and the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the ethical dilemma of using technology to enhance athletes. It challenges Marcus' beliefs about fair play, integrity, and the consequences of manipulating performance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and intrigue to concern and curiosity. The revelation of the brain computer interface adds a layer of complexity and emotion to the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and mystery surrounding the discovery of the brain computer interface. It also reveals the characters' conflicting emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the moral dilemma presented. The use of advanced technology and real-time athlete enhancement adds a unique and intriguing element.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a good balance of action and reflection. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency and high stakes.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a futuristic sci-fi genre, with clear descriptions of technology and character actions. The formatting enhances the visual and immersive experience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of the technology, Marcus' actions to enhance Santo Kasper, and the unfolding consequences. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the tension and suspense with Marcus pacing and sweating, creating a sense of urgency and anticipation.
  • The use of technology, such as the game of psi console and the laptop, adds a futuristic and mysterious element to the scene.
  • The interaction between Marcus and the devices, as well as his actions to enhance Santo's performance, builds intrigue and raises questions about his motives.
  • The visual descriptions of the devices lighting up and the metrics displayed on the screen help to create a vivid picture of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the commentators adds context to the basketball game and contrasts with Marcus's actions, highlighting the manipulation of the game.
  • The revelation of the enhancement process and its effects on Santo's vital signs and brain activity adds a layer of complexity and danger to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict or hesitation in Marcus as he activates the enhancement, to show the moral dilemma he may be facing.
  • Explore Marcus's motivations and backstory further to provide depth to his character and explain his actions.
  • Introduce more external conflict, such as interference from other characters or unexpected consequences of the enhancement, to increase the stakes and tension.
  • Include more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene, such as sounds of the game, Marcus's heartbeat, or the hum of the devices.
  • Consider adding a cliffhanger or twist at the end of the scene to leave the reader wanting more and build anticipation for the next development.



Scene 21 -  The Veteran's Triumph
INT. STORM ARENA - CONTINUOUS

The arena is mostly filled but most are seated and quiet,
waiting for something to cheer for.

Santo defends his man closely. The offensive ball player
dribbles between his legs cockily, staring down Santo.

BALL HANDLER
Whatchu want this Kasper? You want
this?

Time slows:

The sound of Santo's heart beat, in slow motion. Though it
beats slowly, the pace begins to quicken. Bah Bum, Bah Bum.
Bahbum. Bahbum. Bahbum.

Santo's eyes widen and for a brief second we see a flicker
of electricity/a glow in his eyes. It comes and goes quickly.
Then returns and goes another time just as fast.

Return to normal speed:

BALL HANDLER (CONT'D)
You're too old.

Santo swats at the ball. He almost gets it but the quick
offensive player dribbles between his legs, then bursts
towards the basket.

Santo follows and the player is cut off by Santo's superior
speed. The offensive player throws the ball out to the corner
and continues to run across the court to the opposite wing.
Santo follows.

The offense swings the ball around the three point line.
From the corner, to the top of the key, to the other corner.
Santo finds himself on defense again.
53.

BALL HANDLER (CONT'D)
You still here?

Santo swats again. The ball is pulled away at the last
moment.

BALL HANDLER (CONT'D)
Gotta be fast.

The arrogant ball handler dribbles between his legs a moment
more then darts again towards the basket. Santo's HEARTBEAT
grows faster. Bahbum. Bahbum.

Time slows:

A step past Santo, the offensive player runs towards the
basket and leaps up with the ball in hand. Santo pursues
step for step and takes off just a moment after him.

The ball handler hangs in the air and cocks the ball back.

BAHBUM. BAHBUM. BAHBUM.

Santo's muscles swell as he swipes down at the now cock backed
basketball in the offensive players hand.

Smack! Santo makes contact with the basketball and knocks
it from the grasp of the airborne opponent.

Return to Normal Speed:

The offensive player's empty hand contacts the rim and it
rattles. Santo collects the loose ball and passes it out on
the outlet as the crowd perks up a bit.

SANTO
(to ball handler)
Too old? That's what you said?

The ball handler can do nothing but shrug sheepishly and
chuckle.

SANTO (CONT'D)
You ain't never gonna be old enough.
Genres: ["Sports","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a tense basketball game, veteran player Santo faces off against a younger, arrogant opponent. Despite being taunted about his age, Santo displays incredible agility and strength, proving his doubter wrong through a series of impressive defensive maneuvers. The scene culminates in Santo stealing the ball, his focus and determination radiating in his eyes. The moment highlights the enduring power of experience and dedication, proving that age is just a number.
Strengths
  • Intense sports action
  • Emotional depth
  • Competitive exchange between characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited context provided for Santo's backstory
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced in capturing character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines intense sports action with emotional depth, creating a compelling and engaging moment for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a pivotal basketball game moment where Santo Kasper's skills and determination shine through is executed well, adding depth to the character and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Santo faces a challenging opponent on the court, highlighting his resilience and competitive spirit, setting the stage for further character development and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the sports genre by focusing on the internal and external goals of the protagonist, as well as incorporating a philosophical conflict between youth and experience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Santo Kasper is portrayed as a determined and skilled athlete, showcasing his passion for the game and his competitive nature. The ball handler adds a layer of conflict and tension to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Santo's display of determination and skill showcases his growth and development as a character, highlighting his competitive nature and passion for the game.

Internal Goal: 8

Santo's internal goal is to prove his worth and skill as a basketball player, reflecting his desire for validation and respect.

External Goal: 7

Santo's external goal is to win the basketball game and outperform his opponent, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces on the court.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Santo and the ball handler creates tension and excitement, driving the scene forward and engaging the audience in the outcome of the game.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the ball handler challenging Santo's skills and pushing him to prove himself on the court.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the basketball game, coupled with Santo's determination and the competitive exchange with the ball handler, heighten the tension and excitement of the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Santo's skills and competitive spirit, setting the stage for further developments in the narrative surrounding the basketball game and the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the back-and-forth nature of the basketball game and the unexpected outcome of Santo's defensive play.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between youth and experience, as the ball handler taunts Santo for being 'too old' while Santo proves his skill and agility despite his age.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Santo's determination and skill, coupled with the competitive exchange with the ball handler, resonates with the audience, drawing them into the intensity of the game.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Santo and the ball handler effectively conveys the competitive nature of the game and the characters' personalities, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, keeping the audience engaged throughout the basketball game.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the conventions of screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong setup of tension between Santo and the ball handler, but the dialogue feels a bit cliched and lacks depth.
  • The slow-motion effect of Santo's heart rate increasing and the flicker of electricity in his eyes is an interesting visual choice, but it could be further developed to enhance the suspense and intensity of the moment.
  • The action sequences are well-described, but there is room to add more sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the scene.
  • The dialogue between Santo and the ball handler could be more impactful and reveal more about Santo's character or mindset in this crucial moment.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Santo's comeback line, but the interaction between Santo and the ball handler could be further explored to add depth to their dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more unique and authentic dialogue that reveals the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of Santo's physical and emotional reactions to heighten the tension and suspense of the scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
  • Explore Santo's internal thoughts and emotions during the intense moment to add depth to his character and enhance the impact of the scene.
  • Expand on the interaction between Santo and the ball handler to create a more dynamic and engaging exchange that adds layers to their relationship.



Scene 22 -  Santo's Dunk
INT. CASINO - PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Marcus watches the two men jaw at each other on the
television.

Turning back to the open laptop, he clicks a button that
says: 'Enhancement Level (+/-)'. The 1-100 meter appears
again.
54.

Marcus keys in '75'. Again, the on screen metrics of Santo's
avatar begin to grow more active. The meter fills another
20 percent.

INT. STORM ARENA - ON COURT - CONTINUOUS

Santo stands on the wing, Larry dribbles at the top of the
key.

SANTO
Larry!

Santo whistles.

SANTO (CONT'D)
Yoohoo!

Santo nods at Larry who slings a bounce pass into Santo's
possession. Santo begins to size up the ball handler turned
defender.

The defender refuses to back down. Now it's his turn to
swat unsuccessfully. Santo turns his back and keeps the
ball an arms length away from him.

Santo breaks towards the basket, then pulls back behind the
three point line with an impossible crossover. The defender
falls down. The crowd reigns down 'ooos'.

Seeing the defender fallen, Santo looks up and sees just the
center between him and the basket.

He takes off towards the basket.

Time slows:

Santo Leaps a good 8 feet from the basket as the center
attempts to slide into the right position to draw a charge.
Santo reaches out with the ball in his right hand and slams
home a vicious dunk.

Return to normal speed:

He hangs on the rim afterwards with his midsection dangling
on top of the baffled center's shoulders and head.

Santo lands on the floor as the opposing coach calls timeout.
He steps out further onto the court and raises his hands to
the sky beckoning the crowd for cheers. The crowd responds.

SANTO (CONT'D)
Let's go! Lets go!
55.

INT. CASINO - PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Marcus continues to watch the television in amazement.

MARCUS
It's a game.

Marcus can do nothing but grin and shake his head in reluctant
disbelief.

INT. CASINO - SPORTSBOOK

Marcus sits cloaked in shadow amongst the sparsely occupied
sports book lounge. A dozen television screens show sports
in front of him.

Raul, his fellow gang member from the earlier heist, arrives
at the lounge. Marcus spots him and rises to greet his
beloved friend.

MARCUS
Raul.

RAUL
Como esta papi?

MARCUS
Muy bien hermano.

They embrace.

INT. SPORTSBOOK - LATER

Marcus and Raul sit side by side at a counter top, drinking
as they take in a basketball game.

RAUL
(Spanish with English
subtitles, fascinated)
It's a mind control device?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Yes and it works perfectly.

RAUL
(Spanish)
What does this mean?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
It means I'm going to be rich. I'll
have more money than I ever had in
Los Angeles. I can do this as long
as these men keep playing.
56.

RAUL
(Spanish)
Are you sure it's safe?

MARCUS
(Spanish)
Why wouldn't it be. And who cares
anyway. This thing can take me to a
better life.

He takes in ABL action on the screens in front of him.

Raul sips his drink.

RAUL
(Spanish)
I can't stay here long. I have
responsibilities at home.

MARCUS
(Spanish)
You don't need to leave tonight.

Marcus raises and downs a shot of his drink.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama","Mystery","Sports"]

Summary Marcus, watching Santo play basketball on TV, increases the enhancement level of a device to 75%. This results in Santo's avatar performing an impressive dunk, hanging on the rim with his midsection over the opponent's shoulders. The crowd cheers wildly as Santo continues to dominate the game. Marcus is amazed by the device's effectiveness and its potential for financial gain.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-defined characters
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for ethical concerns
  • Complexity of multiple storylines
  • Dependence on technology for plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, suspenseful, and emotionally impactful, with a strong blend of genres and themes. The introduction of mind control technology in a sports setting adds a unique and intriguing element to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using brain-computer interfaces to enhance basketball player performance and manipulate outcomes is innovative and thought-provoking. It raises ethical questions about the use of technology in sports and the potential consequences of such experimentation.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, combining elements of mystery, crime, and sports drama to create a compelling narrative. The introduction of mind control technology adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of a mind control device used in sports gambling, adding a fresh twist to the familiar themes of wealth and power. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and play integral roles in the scene, particularly Marcus and Raul. Their interactions and dialogue drive the plot forward and reveal their motivations and intentions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes throughout the scene, particularly Marcus as he becomes more deeply involved in the manipulation of basketball outcomes. Raul's sense of responsibility and loyalty to his family also evolves as he grapples with the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus's internal goal is to achieve financial success and security through the use of the mind control device. This reflects his desire for a better life and the opportunity to escape his past in Los Angeles.

External Goal: 7

Marcus's external goal is to manipulate the outcome of the basketball game using the mind control device to ensure his financial success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as characters grapple with ethical dilemmas, personal motivations, and the high-stakes world of professional sports and criminal activities. The tension between Marcus and Raul, as well as the manipulation of basketball outcomes, creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with moral dilemmas and conflicting motivations creating obstacles for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is filled with high stakes, from the manipulation of professional basketball games to the ethical implications of mind control technology. The characters' actions have far-reaching consequences that could impact their lives and the world of sports.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key plot points, revealing new information about the mind control technology, and setting up future conflicts and developments. The investigation into Santo's death and the discovery of the brain-computer interface add layers of intrigue and suspense to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected use of a mind control device and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of using a mind control device to influence sports outcomes. It challenges Marcus's values and morals as he pursues wealth at the expense of fair play.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement and suspense during the basketball game to intrigue and concern over the use of mind control technology. The emotional depth of the characters and the ethical implications of their actions add complexity and resonance to the storyline.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves to develop the characters, build tension, and advance the plot. The use of Spanish dialogue adds authenticity and depth to the scene, reflecting the characters' backgrounds and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful action sequences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between Marcus watching the basketball game on television and Santo playing on the court, which can be a bit disjointed for the audience.
  • The use of slow-motion and time-slowing effects during Santo's dunk can be seen as excessive and may disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Marcus and Raul in the sportsbook lacks depth and could benefit from more meaningful interaction to enhance the character dynamics.
  • The scene lacks a clear connection between Marcus enhancing Santo's performance and the subsequent conversation with Raul about the mind control device, leading to a disjointed narrative.
  • The transition from Marcus watching the game to the sportsbook setting could be smoother to maintain the coherence of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the transitions between different settings to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Focus on integrating the conversation between Marcus and Raul more seamlessly with the action of Santo playing on the court.
  • Reevaluate the use of slow-motion effects during Santo's dunk to ensure it enhances the scene without overshadowing the narrative.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marcus and Raul to add depth to their relationship and provide more context for their motivations.
  • Clarify the connection between Marcus enhancing Santo's performance and his subsequent plans with the mind control device to create a more cohesive storyline.



Scene 23 -  Double Down: A Night of Deception and Danger
INT. CASINO - LATER

Marcus plays blackjack with Raul. Raul has many high value
chips, Marcus has few.

A visibly intoxicated Marcus points at his old friend.

MARCUS
(to the dealer)
What does this guy know that I don't?

The dealer chuckles.

DEALER
All the luck of the cards.

A Waitress, ANDREA (early 20's), petite, very pretty
approaches him.

ANDREA
Would you like a drink?

MARCUS
What I would like-

He turns and locks eyes with the waitress.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Yes, I'd like a drink.
57.

ANDREA
(chuckling)
Okay. What kind?

MARCUS
Martini on the rocks.

ANDREA
Okay, I'll be right back with that.

MARCUS
Wait, wait.

DEALER
Sir, you need to place a bet.

MARCUS
(in spanish)
Raul, watch my chips.

Marcus stands from the table.

ANDREA
Do you want a drink or not?

MARCUS
No, no it's not that it's just.
Your eyes remind me of my mother's.
I've never seen such a...I'm sorry
what I mean is, why don't you let me
get you a drink?

ANDREA
That's a very cute line but...I have
a boyfriend.

Marcus smiles curtly.

MARCUS
No you don't.

ANDREA
Alright I don't. But I work until 6
am.

MARCUS
I'm not doing anything at 6 am.

ANDREA
So you're saying you'd wait that
long, to have a drink with me?

MARCUS
I'd wait longer.
58.

INT. BOROWITZ OFFICE - EVENING - PRESENT

PRESENT

Jason and Selena seated across from Borowitz.

BOROWITZ
Dr. Steven Brown landed last night
in Los Angeles.

Borowitz passes documents across the desk that Selena and
Jason observe.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
He was photographed shortly afterward
exchanging this briefcase of cash
with a high ranking military officer-

Photos show at least a couple hundred grand.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
-in exchange for a military ID. We
think he's planning to use it to
gain access to military assets at
Los Angeles air force base. He's
been in the vicinity of the base all
day and we think he's scoping it
out.

More photographs of Dr. Brown in a car outside LA Air Force
Base.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
You'll need to head him off
immediately.

EXT. MILITARY BASE - ENTRANCE - NIGHT

The SUV driven by Selena skids to a stop about 20 yards away
from the security checkpoint entrance.

Selena and Jason quickly exit the vehicle and walk up to the
ARMED GUARD (20's) fully armed and uniformed, at the security
checkpoint, badges held in view.

ARMED GUARD
Can I help you?

SELENA
Federal Agents. Your bases security
has been compromised. We're going
to need your cooperation.
59.

INT. MILITARY BASE- SATELLITE CONTROL FACILITY

Dr. Brown quietly enters the vacant facility. All the lights
are off. He holds a flashlight.

He approaches and sits at a control panel. Shining the
flashlight there is a keyboard and monitor built into the
panel.

The doctor plugs in a flash drive and the monitor springs to
life.

'Enter Passcode'.

The doctor keys in a lengthy passcode from memory.

The monitor responds with: 'Locating Satellite' ... 'Satellite
Located'...'Connecting to Satellite'... '1% complete' ...
'2% complete'.

A security camera in the corner of the room points directly
at him.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary While Marcus drunkenly attempts to charm a waitress at a casino, federal agents Jason and Selena are tasked with stopping Dr. Brown from accessing military assets. Their mission leads them to a military base, where they encounter a security guard, claiming a security breach. Meanwhile, Dr. Brown enters a satellite control facility, preparing to connect to a satellite using a flash drive and passcode, leaving the situation tense and uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot
  • Tense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, setting up a high-stakes situation with a sense of urgency. The dialogue is engaging, and the plot moves forward at a fast pace, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a brain-computer interface, military espionage, and high-tech manipulation adds depth and complexity to the scene. The idea of mind control and manipulation through technology is intriguing and sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of mystery and suspense. The discovery of Dr. Brown's suspicious activities at the military base adds a sense of urgency and danger to the scene, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a casino but adds originality through the unique character dynamics and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Selena and Jason's determination to uncover the truth and stop Dr. Brown adds depth to the scene. Dr. Brown's villainous actions and secretive behavior create tension and conflict.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reveal their determination, resourcefulness, and commitment to their mission.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus's internal goal is to impress the waitress and make a connection with her. This reflects his desire for companionship and validation.

External Goal: 7

Marcus's external goal is to distract the dealer and leave the table without losing his chips. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his composure and social interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with federal agents racing against time to stop Dr. Brown from accessing military assets. There is a sense of danger and suspense as the characters confront a powerful adversary.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the waitress's rejection and the pressure of the gambling table creating obstacles for Marcus.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters racing against time to prevent a potential threat to national security. The danger and urgency of the situation add tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about Dr. Brown's plans and setting up the next phase of the investigation. It introduces new obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the character interactions and the outcome of the gambling situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Marcus's desire for connection and the reality of the waitress's rejection. This challenges his beliefs about charm and persistence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, intrigue, and concern for the characters' safety. The high stakes and fast-paced action create an emotional impact on the audience, keeping them engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and propels the plot forward. It effectively conveys the urgency and high stakes of the situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between characters, the high stakes of the gambling setting, and the emotional tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension gradually and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character dialogue and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a casino setting, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene in the casino lacks a clear direction or purpose, with Marcus engaging in casual banter and flirting with the waitress without any significant development or conflict.
  • The dialogue between Marcus and Andrea feels forced and cliched, lacking depth or authenticity in their interaction.
  • The interaction between Marcus and the dealer, as well as his friend Raul, does not add much to the scene and feels disconnected from the overall narrative.
  • The transition from the casino scene to the present with Borowitz discussing Dr. Brown's activities at the military base feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • There is a lack of tension or stakes in the casino scene, making it feel like a filler moment that does not contribute significantly to the plot.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more purpose and conflict to the casino scene to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall story.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Marcus and Andrea to create a more compelling interaction.
  • Tighten the transition between the casino scene and the present with Borowitz to ensure a smoother flow of the narrative.
  • Introduce elements of suspense or intrigue in the casino scene to maintain the audience's interest and tie it more closely to the main plot.
  • Explore ways to integrate the casino scene more effectively into the larger storyline to ensure it contributes meaningfully to the character development or plot progression.



Scene 24 -  Satellite Breach and Hidden Past
INT. MILITARY BASE - SECURITY CHECKPOINT BUILDING

The Armed Guard enters the small security facility, followed
by Selena and Jason.

The television screen that shows the doctor remains unnoticed
by them, sitting in the bottom corner of a wall of television
screens that show security footage from around the base.

ARMED GUARD
If something's off we'll see it here.

SELENA
(to guard)
Anything out of the ordinary?

The guard scans the screens and surveys the many scenes
happening across the base. Few people are awake at this
hour. He spots the light of Dr. Brown's flashlight in the
satellite control facility.

ARMED GUARD
That can't be right.

He calls to CAMERA ROOM GUARD, sitting in a chair in the
corner of the room.

ARMED GUARD (CONT'D)
Is anyone supposed to be in satellite
control?

His idle compatriot stands and looks at the security footage.
60.

CAMERA ROOM GUARD
(into walkie talkie)
Security personnel please respond.
We have an unauthorized entrant in
satellite control.

INT. MILITARY BASE - SATELLITE CONTROL FACILITY

The doctor taps the counter in front of him anxiously as the
satellite connection finally commences. The monitor reads:
'99%' ... '100%'... 'Link established' ... 'Enter Function
Key'.

Dr. Brown types something and hits enter.

The monitor reads: 'Locating Device,'. Dr. Brown looks
satisfied.

BANG! The door to the room bursts open and a squad of
security personnel storm the room, guns drawn.

SECURITY SQUAD TEAM LEADER
Put your hands up! Straight up!
Now!

The squad runs towards him but Dr. Brown does not freeze.
He disconnects the flash drive and smashes it with his foot.

The monitor reads: 'Link Terminated'.

The security personnel grab the doctor, slam him down onto
the control panel, and slap handcuffs on his wrists.

INT. CASINO PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM - FLASHBACK

1 month before Santo's Suicide

Andrea sleeps in the bed of the master bedroom alone. She
stirs and sits up.

ANDREA
Marcus?

Marcus appears at the door of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

MARCUS
Good morning.

ANDREA
You're up early?

He shrugs and proceeds to dress. She looks to the clock and
it's only 8 am.
61.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
A friend of mine and her boyfriend
wanted to meet us for dinner. Are
you free?

MARCUS
I'm busy tonight.

ANDREA
(skeptical)
I just want to meet you for dinner
with some friends. You can't
reschedule?

MARCUS
I'm attending an event.

ANDREA
(agitated)
That's pretty vague.

MARCUS
I didn't schedule the event.

ANDREA
(raising voice)
It's not even about that. I can't
ever get a straight answer out of
you.

MARCUS
Oh please. What do you want from
me?

ANDREA
I want to know who you are, Marcus.
We spend all this time together, we
sleep together, we talk, it's all a
ton of fun. But I have no idea who
you are. You're keeping me at arms
length.

A beat.

MARCUS
My past is complicated.

ANDREA
We all have baggage.

Andrea approaches Marcus. She caresses his cheek with her
hand.
62.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Marcus this is getting real. I feel
strongly for you and I know you feel
it too. But if you can't start to
let me in this is going to go nowhere.

MARCUS
(somber)
Okay. Let's go to dinner tonight.
But, just you and me.

ANDREA
Yeah? Okay. We can do that.

They kiss.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
I'm here for you Marcus. Whatever
you're dealing with, I can deal with
it too.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with an armed guard and Selena investigating a suspicious activity in a satellite control facility. They discover Dr. Brown attempting to connect to a satellite and apprehend him. The scene then flashes back to a month before Santo's suicide, where Andrea and Marcus discuss his past and their relationship. Marcus reveals a complicated past but agrees to dinner with Andrea, hinting at a possible resolution to their conflict.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets up future conflicts. The emotional depth adds layers to the characters and the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of mind control technology, betrayal, and personal relationships is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of Dr. Brown's suspicious activities and the confrontation at the military base.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique blend of military intrigue and personal drama, combining elements of security breaches with intimate relationship dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially in the interactions between Marcus and Andrea.

Character Changes: 7

Marcus shows vulnerability and a willingness to open up to Andrea, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the unauthorized entrant in the satellite control facility and potentially stop a security breach. This reflects their need for control, safety, and a desire to protect the base and its personnel.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the unauthorized entrant in the satellite control facility and prevent any potential security threats. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in maintaining the base's security and safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the discovery of Dr. Brown's actions, and the high-stakes situation at the military base create intense conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a significant security threat and personal conflict. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the discovery of mind control technology, the confrontation at the military base, and the personal relationships at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, setting up future conflicts, and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected security breach and the protagonist's complex internal and external goals. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between security and privacy, as well as the consequences of unauthorized access to sensitive information. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about duty, loyalty, and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional depth of the scene, especially in Marcus and Andrea's interaction, resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters' motivations and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, suspense, and emotional conflict. The high-stakes situation and personal drama keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency, and balancing action with character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between the military base and a flashback in the casino penthouse, which can be confusing for the audience. It's important to maintain clarity in the timeline and location shifts.
  • The dialogue between the Armed Guard and the Camera Room Guard feels a bit forced and lacks depth. Adding more natural and engaging dialogue could enhance the interaction between the characters.
  • The tension and suspense in the scene could be heightened by building up the moment of Dr. Brown successfully establishing the satellite connection. Adding more visual and auditory cues to create a sense of urgency and danger would make the scene more impactful.
  • The confrontation between Dr. Brown and the security squad lacks intensity. Adding more physical and emotional reactions from both parties could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • The flashback scene with Marcus and Andrea in the casino penthouse feels disconnected from the main plot. It's important to ensure that all scenes contribute to the overall narrative and character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on either the military base confrontation or the flashback with Marcus and Andrea to avoid confusion.
  • Enhance the dialogue between the Armed Guard and the Camera Room Guard to make their interaction more engaging and realistic.
  • Add visual and auditory cues to build tension and suspense during Dr. Brown's attempt to connect to the satellite, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • Intensify the confrontation between Dr. Brown and the security squad by adding more physical and emotional reactions from both parties.
  • Ensure that all scenes contribute to the main plot and character development to maintain coherence and relevance throughout the screenplay.



Scene 25 -  The Secret Gift
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - EVENING

Marcus sits alone, dressed in a formal suit, at a table set
for two. The chique restaurant is buzzing, but Marcus' table
has a good amount of space between him and the next nearest
table.

Andrea approaches from behind in a dress.

Marcus turns around and his expression softens as he takes
in Andrea looking her best.

Marcus stands.

MARCUS
You look beautiful.

He kisses her on the cheek. They sit.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
I have something for you.

He digs in his suit pocket and pulls out a small square
jewelry box.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Here.

He sets it in front of Andrea. She smiles cautiously.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Open it. Please.

Andrea opens the case and finds diamond earrings inside.
63.

ANDREA
Marcus, they're beautiful.

She proceeds to put in the diamond earrings.

She grabs his hand.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
They're beautiful.

Marcus smiles back at her.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Listen Marcus I didn't mean to upset
you this morning. I said what I
said because it seems like we're
crazy about each other and yet I
hardly know you. I'm not getting any
younger. I need to know if you're
ever going to let me in?

MARCUS
I want to. But it's going to be
hard.

ANDREA
It doesn't have to be. Let's just
start with something simple. All
this money you have. Where does it
come from? I know what these earrings
cost. How did you pay for this?

MARCUS
Andrea...

For a moment Marcus says nothing, though the nearly acquired
wrinkles and tired eyes say he has seen the world over in
just the past few months.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
As long as I've known you I have
concealed a great secret. I've wanted
to share it but it's not a normal
secret.

ANDREA
Are you sure you want to tell me?

MARCUS
What you've said about your feelings,
my feelings. It's very true. I
don't like to acknowledge it but
you're becoming special to me.
64.

ANDREA
What is it Marcus? What's your
secret?

MARCUS
It's something I can't really tell
you. You need to see for yourself.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Marcus and Andrea have a heartfelt conversation at a fancy restaurant where Marcus gives Andrea diamond earrings and hints at a big secret he's been keeping from her. The conflict arises from Marcus withholding the secret, creating tension in their relationship. The emotional tone is intimate and slightly tense as Marcus opens up about the secret but doesn't reveal it, leaving Andrea curious and eager to know more.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Revealing dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, revealing important information about the characters and their relationship, setting up potential conflicts and character growth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing a deep secret in a romantic setting adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of Marcus's secret, adding complexity to the characters and their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of hidden secrets in a relationship, with nuanced character interactions and authentic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Marcus and Andrea are well-developed in this scene, showing vulnerability, emotional depth, and a potential for growth.

Character Changes: 7

The scene marks a potential turning point for Marcus and Andrea's relationship, as Marcus opens up about his secret, leading to potential changes and growth for both characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to open up and share a secret with Andrea, reflecting his desire for emotional connection and vulnerability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his facade of wealth and mystery, while also deepening his relationship with Andrea.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no overt conflict in this scene, the revelation of Marcus's secret sets the stage for potential conflicts and challenges in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the protagonist's internal struggle to reveal his secret and the external pressure to maintain his facade.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in this scene as Marcus reveals a significant secret that could impact his relationship with Andrea and future events.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Marcus and Andrea, setting the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and the tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between secrecy and vulnerability, as Marcus struggles to reveal his true self to Andrea.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of this scene is high, as it reveals a significant moment in Marcus and Andrea's relationship, evoking empathy and connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intimate, revealing, and emotionally charged, reflecting the characters' feelings and setting the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the slow reveal of secrets.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, allowing for emotional beats and character development to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a dialogue-heavy dramatic scene, with clear character actions and descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic reveal, building tension and emotional stakes effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction or purpose, leaving the audience unsure of where the conversation is heading.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially in Marcus' responses to Andrea's questions.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interaction between Marcus and Andrea, making it difficult for the audience to connect with their relationship.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow, with long pauses and repetitive dialogue that detracts from the overall engagement.
  • The reveal of Marcus' secret feels anticlimactic and lacks the necessary build-up to create intrigue.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to create depth in the characters' interactions.
  • Consider adding layers to Marcus' character to make his secret more impactful and intriguing.
  • Focus on creating a clear arc for the scene with a defined beginning, middle, and end to keep the audience engaged.
  • Work on tightening the dialogue to eliminate unnecessary repetition and improve the flow of the conversation.
  • Build up the tension and suspense leading to the reveal of Marcus' secret to create a more impactful moment.



Scene 26 -  The Price of Victory
INT. PENTHOUSE - EVENING

Andrea sits on the couch with Marcus standing a few feet
away.

In her hands are a large number of winning sports betting
tickets.

ANDREA
You won all this money?

A look of confusion.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
So...you're a sports bettor? That's
what you wanted to tell me?

Marcus is silent.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Marcus?

MARCUS
Look carefully at those tickets.
You'll notice they're all from the
same team. The same players. The
same types of bets. Over and over.

Andrea looks through the betting receipts.

ANDREA
The Storm. Santo Kasper. Okay. So
what?

MARCUS
Lots of large scale live spread bets.
On the storm. Here.

He grabs the handful of tickets.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Santo Kasper to score 30+ and Storm
to win. +1700. Santo scored 38 and
the storm won by 6. Cash out 32
thousand.
65.

ANDREA
I don't understand what you're saying.

Marcus reads another.

MARCUS
Storm live moneyline. Down 20 in
the 2nd quarter. +1950 to win. The
storm came back and won by 2. I
cashed out 77 thousand.

ANDREA
Those are really long odds. How did
you-

MARCUS
I didn't win this money.

On the table in front of them, Santo pulls a shirt off of
the plugged in Game of Psi console.

ANDREA
What is that?

MARCUS
This is my secret. It's a piece of
technology I acquired a few months
ago. I don't know how it does what
it does but I can show you.

Marcus powers on the device. He also turns on the television.
A storm game in progress.

The screen with the three avatars appears on his computer.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
These three men-

He points to the three avatars.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Correspond to real men on this team.
Only two of them still play but when
power up this meter-

He turns up Santo Kasper's avatar on the computer screen to
90 and turns the sound on the TV. 'Enhancement commencing'.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
It somehow makes them play better.

The computer displays: 'Enhancement commencing' and Santo's
vitals and biometrics begin to flucuate.
66.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
I've set it to 90. That's quite
high. You'll see an immediate
response.

ANDREA
You're joking with me.

He picks up the remote and unmutes the TV.

MARCUS
Watch.

The commentators call the game on the TV.

STAN (O.S.)
(on TV)
We've got a good one here in the
third. The storm trail by 2.

ANDREA
Marcus, that's completely ridiculous.

MARCUS
Is it?

ANDREA
You don't actually think-

'Enhancement Complete'. The light in the back of Santo's
head on the computer shines brightly.

On the TV: Santo hunkers down and pokes the ball free for a
steal.

STAN
(on the tv)
And it's stolen by Kasper.

Santo has a clear path to slam home an emphatic slam dunk at
the other end.

STAN (CONT'D)
(on the tv)
And he's going to glide in for the
dunk. Man he does have another gear
sometimes doesn't he?

Marcus and Andrea watch the TV. Andrea's mouth is agape.

ANDREA
This must be some kind of trick.
The TV's probably delayed from the
actual event.
67.

MARCUS
No.

Marcus keys in 95 and the enhancement occurs.

On the TV: The other team misses a shot. The rebound comes
to Santo on the outlet who sees daylight and simply outruns
everyone to the other end of the court for another thunderous
slam dunk.

The crowd could not be more juiced.

The opposing coach calls for timeout. Marcus powers off the
TV.

ANDREA
(stunned)
You're telling the truth?

Marcus examines Andrea deathly serious expression closely.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Marcus?

Marcus sighs.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
(angry)
Where did you get this? Don't lie
to me.

MARCUS
For 6 years before I moved here I
was the leader of a gang in LA. We
robbed mansions and stole this from
the home of Henry Waters. This all
happened just a few months ago.

ANDREA
Henry Waters, the media mogul? He
owned the Storm.

Marcus nods. Andrea is suddenly quite flustered. She stands.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Oh my god. This is real?

MARCUS
Andrea, please.

ANDREA
Marcus, this is wrong. This is so,
so wrong.
68.

MARCUS
Is it? And how would you be affected
if I stopped? You don't like what
I've given you?

She backs towards the door as Marcus stands in place watching
her.

ANDREA
You've been corrupted by this. I
have to go.

She takes out the earrings he gave her earlier, dropping
them on the floor.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
You can take these back. Bet them on
the Storm to cover. And Marcus...

A stern glare.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
Don't call me. Ever.

She exits.

Marcus picks the diamond earrings off the floor and holds
them in his palm, staring at the closed door.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Andrea confronts Marcus about his sudden wealth, believing he won it through sports betting. Marcus reveals his secret: he uses a device to enhance athletes' performance. He demonstrates this by boosting a basketball player's skills during a live game, leaving Andrea both astonished and horrified. Disgusted by his actions, Andrea breaks off their relationship and storms out of his penthouse, leaving behind the diamond earrings she gifted him.
Strengths
  • Revealing a dark secret
  • Intense emotional confrontation
  • Intriguing sci-fi concept
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the device's origins and capabilities

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of intense emotions and shocking revelations. The conflict between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a mysterious device to enhance sports performance is unique and adds a sci-fi element to the drama. The revelation of the device's origin and impact on the characters is compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a significant reveal about the device and its effects on the characters. The conflict between Marcus and Andrea drives the narrative forward and raises the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh concept of using technology to enhance sports performance, blending sci-fi elements with ethical questions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Marcus and Andrea are well-developed, with conflicting motivations and emotions. Their interaction adds depth to the scene and sets up future conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Both Marcus and Andrea undergo a significant change in their relationship and understanding of each other. The revelation of the device forces them to confront their beliefs and values.

Internal Goal: 8

Andrea's internal goal is to understand Marcus's secret and come to terms with the moral implications of his actions. She is grappling with her own values and beliefs.

External Goal: 7

Marcus's external goal is to reveal his secret technology to Andrea and potentially involve her in his scheme. He wants her to understand and accept his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marcus and Andrea, as well as the revelation of the device's impact on the basketball game, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition between Andrea's moral values and Marcus's actions creates a strong conflict that drives the scene forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the revelation of the device's power to manipulate sports outcomes and the personal consequences for Marcus and Andrea. The scene raises the stakes for the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the device and its impact on the characters. It sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the revelation of the secret technology and the moral conflict between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethical dilemma of using technology to manipulate sports outcomes. Andrea represents the moral compass, while Marcus represents the temptation of power and wealth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the confrontation between Marcus and Andrea. The shocking revelation and betrayal add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion between Marcus and Andrea. It reveals important information about the device and their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, moral dilemmas, and technological intrigue. The dialogue and pacing keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a dramatic climax and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, making it easy to read and visualize the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, revelation of the secret technology, and a dramatic confrontation between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Andrea discovering the winning sports betting tickets and Marcus revealing the Game of Psi device.
  • The dialogue between Marcus and Andrea feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially in Andrea's initial confusion and disbelief.
  • The exposition about the sports betting tickets and the Storm's games could be streamlined to make the scene more engaging and concise.
  • The revelation of the Game of Psi device and its capabilities feels rushed and could benefit from more build-up and suspense.
  • Andrea's reaction to the device and Marcus's explanation could be more nuanced and emotionally impactful to enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Andrea discovering the tickets and Marcus revealing the device to create a more seamless flow.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Marcus and Andrea to make it more authentic and engaging for the audience.
  • Streamline the exposition about the sports betting tickets and the Storm's games to make the scene more concise and focused on the main reveal of the device.
  • Build up the suspense and tension surrounding the revelation of the Game of Psi device to create a more impactful and memorable moment.
  • Enhance Andrea's reaction to the device and Marcus's explanation to add depth and emotional resonance to the scene, making it more compelling for the audience.



Scene 27 -  The Dress and the Grief
INT. RESIDENCE OF LARRY WILDER - BEDROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT

PRESENT

Larry sits on the side of his bed with wide eyes, deep in
thought.

His wife, JESS WILDER (30), enters from the adjacent bathroom,
holding two dresses.

JESS
What do you think babe?

Larry startles.

JESS (CONT'D)
Two choices.

LARRY
(plainly)
For what?

JESS
Does it matter? Which one do you
like?
69.

LARRY
I don't know.

JESS
Well look.

LARRY
Not right now, Jess.

JESS
Are you alright?

She sits on the bed next to him.

LARRY
I miss Santo.

JESS
I miss him too. But we've got to
keep living our lives.

Larry looks somewhat perplexed at Jess.

LARRY
What'd you say?

JESS
I said we've got to keep living our
lives. What's wrong Larry?

Larry stands abruptly.

LARRY
What's wrong is I've got a best friend
who shot himself a week ago, but I
don't have a minute to feel sad
because my wife needs my opinion on
what dress she should wear to God
know's what.

JESS
Larry, you don't seem yourself.

LARRY
(raising his voice)
Did you hear what I just said? My
best friend is dead. I'm hurting.
Is that okay? It that okay for me
to hurt?

JESS
It is. But you're not going to yell
at me like that.

She heads to the door.
70.

LARRY
Where are you going?

JESS
I'm going to see Sally. Someone who
loves you, and I and Santo very much
but would be sad to see you in this
state.

She exits leaving Larry alone.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Larry is consumed by grief over the death of his friend, Santo. His wife, Jess, enters the bedroom holding two dresses, seeking his opinion. Larry, overwhelmed with sadness, expresses frustration at her lack of understanding and her attempt to engage him in a trivial matter during his time of mourning. Jess, unable to grasp the depth of his pain, leaves him alone, highlighting the growing distance between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Focused on internal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict within the characters, drawing the audience into the raw intensity of the moment.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring grief, unspoken emotions, and the strain it puts on relationships is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as we see the internal struggles of Larry and the strain it puts on his relationship with his wife, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of grief and loss, focusing on the internal struggles of the protagonist and the external pressures of his relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Larry's grief and frustration palpable, and Jess's concern and confusion adding layers to their dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Larry undergoes a significant emotional change as he confronts his grief and expresses his pent-up emotions, showcasing a moment of vulnerability and honesty.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to process his grief and emotions surrounding the death of his best friend. This reflects his deeper need for understanding and support during a difficult time.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate his relationship with his wife and communicate his feelings effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal grief with marital responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Larry's grief and Jess's attempts to connect creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and emotions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high as Larry grapples with his grief and the strain it puts on his relationship with Jess.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene primarily focuses on character emotions, it also provides insight into Larry's internal struggles and sets the stage for potential character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected outburst of emotion from the protagonist and the shifting dynamics between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's need for emotional expression and his wife's expectation of normalcy and communication. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about grief and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to grief, frustration, and the breakdown of communication.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional tension between Larry and Jess, showcasing their conflicting emotions and unspoken thoughts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the relatable themes of grief and communication, and the realistic dialogue that draws the audience into the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing the conflict to unfold naturally and engaging the audience in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, with clear character cues and scene descriptions. The pacing and rhythm are well-maintained.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic, emotional confrontation, with a clear build-up of tension and resolution. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, as the interaction between Larry and Jess feels disjointed and lacks a cohesive narrative direction.
  • The emotional depth of Larry's grief over Santo's death is not fully explored or effectively conveyed in the scene.
  • The dialogue between Larry and Jess feels forced and unnatural, lacking authenticity and depth in their communication.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in emotion and tone that make it challenging for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Larry's internal struggles and emotional turmoil following Santo's suicide.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to focus more on Larry's internal conflict and emotional journey in dealing with Santo's death.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Larry and Jess to make it more authentic and reflective of their relationship dynamics.
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience better understand Larry's emotional state and the impact of Santo's death on him.
  • Explore different ways to visually convey Larry's grief and inner turmoil, such as through his actions and expressions.
  • Consider adding layers to Jess's character to make her responses and interactions with Larry more nuanced and supportive.



Scene 28 -  Dangerous Deal and a Drunk Driver
INT. RESIDENCE OF LARRY WILDER - KITCHEN

In the spacious and modern kitchen of the ABL stars home,
Larry Wilder flicks on the light and heads towards the liquor
cabinet.

Inside he finds a half full bottle of whiskey, which he
proceeds to drink from.

EXT. RESIDENCE OF LARRY WILDER - DRIVEWAY

Larry stumbles out the front door of his home, keys in hand.

He heads for his Bentley parked in the driveway.

A neighbor smoking a cigar on his porch sees Larry stumbling
and rises.

NEIGHBOR
Hey Larry.

Larry continues to try to gain entry to his vehicle.

NEIGHBOR (CONT'D)
Larry! Hey! You okay to drive?

The neighbor heads over to Larry.

NEIGHBOR (CONT'D)
Larry. What's going on? Are you okay?

LARRY
I'm fine.

NEIGHBOR
Hey now it doesn't look like you
should be driving.

LARRY
(angry)
I said I'm fine.

He shoves the neighbor to the ground.
71.

INT. FBI - CONFERENCE ROOM

Dr. Brown's lawyer faces off with Borowitz.

LAWYER
My client wants me to make you an
offer.

BOROWITZ
You've just been caught in violation
of a dozen federal laws. There's
not going to be any offers.

LAWYER
My client has agreed to plead guilty
to unauthorized use of government
property and will serve 27 months.

BOROWITZ
(incredulous)
27 months? I don't think-

LAWYER
I know you don't mess around Jeanette
and I'm not here to waste your time.
In exchange, he will tell you what
you need to know about Santo Kasper.

SELENA
Who said anything about Santo Kasper?

LAWYER
My client has informed me that you
are looking for information related
to the death of Santo Kasper and he
has that information. Now you can
threaten us with all kinds of lengthy
prison sentences, it will not provide
you the facts you need. It's either
yes or it's no.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A drunken Larry Wilder tries to drive his Bentley, prompting a neighbor to intervene. Meanwhile, Dr. Brown's lawyer negotiates a plea deal with the FBI, offering information about Santo Kasper's death in exchange for leniency. The FBI agent, Selena, seems unaware of the details of the deal, creating tension and leaving Dr. Brown's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High-stakes negotiation
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth with high-stakes tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic event while also introducing a negotiation with significant implications is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is rich with emotional conflict and high-stakes drama, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a character making a reckless decision while intoxicated. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Larry Wilder and Dr. Brown, are well-developed and their emotional struggles add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Larry undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he grapples with his grief, while Dr. Brown faces the consequences of his actions, leading to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Larry's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his sense of control and independence, despite his apparent intoxication and the neighbor's concern for his safety. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and self-reliance.

External Goal: 9

Larry's external goal in this scene is to drive his Bentley despite being intoxicated. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his freedom of movement and control over his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Larry and his grief, as well as the negotiation between Dr. Brown's lawyer and the FBI, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the neighbor challenging Larry's decision to drive while intoxicated, creating a tense and uncertain situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the negotiation between Dr. Brown's lawyer and the FBI, as well as Larry's emotional turmoil, heighten the tension and suspense of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about Santo Kasper's death and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Larry's confrontation with the neighbor will play out, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Larry's desire for independence and the neighbor's concern for his safety. This challenges Larry's belief in his own ability to make decisions for himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Larry's struggle with grief and the high-stakes negotiation is palpable, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene, with impactful exchanges between characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict, and dramatic dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the conflict between Larry and the neighbor escalates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The transition from Larry drinking in the kitchen to stumbling out of his home and attempting to drive feels abrupt and lacks a clear connection or motivation for his actions.
  • The neighbor's concern for Larry's well-being and Larry's angry response could be further developed to add depth to their interaction and highlight Larry's internal struggle.
  • The dialogue between Dr. Brown's lawyer and Borowitz feels slightly forced and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in their negotiation tactics.
  • The sudden mention of Santo Kasper without prior context or buildup feels disjointed and may confuse the audience about the relevance of this information.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a sense of closure or direction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or visual cues to show Larry's emotional state and the reasons behind his impulsive actions.
  • Expand on the interaction between Larry and the neighbor to create a more impactful and meaningful exchange that adds depth to Larry's character.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dr. Brown's lawyer and Borowitz to make the negotiation more engaging and realistic, with subtle power dynamics at play.
  • Integrate the mention of Santo Kasper more smoothly into the conversation between the lawyer and Borowitz, providing context or hints to build anticipation for this revelation.
  • Add a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to maintain audience engagement and set up the next plot development.



Scene 29 -  The Promise of the BCI
INT. FBI - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

Dr. Brown is seated at the large round table now, along with
Selena, Jason and Borowitz.

Though the doctor is not handcuffed, the FBI GUARD by the
door prevents him from having any thoughts of escape.

DR BROWN
It started about 18 years ago. I
was approached by Henry Waters and
he gave me an opportunity to work
for him.
(MORE)
72.

DR BROWN (CONT'D)
Before this I'd been just a
neuroscience researcher but Henry
gave me access to his foundations
researchers and asked that I study
ideas related to the intersection of
biology and technology. I simply
thought this was an elaborate way of
Henry saying he wanted to cure
diseases, but I was wrong.

INT. DR. BROWN'S OFFICE

Dr Brown now sits at a counter top sketching the spider web
design that would become a BCI.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
During my first few months with the
foundation I came across what would
secretly become the subject of 14
years of advanced top secret
biomedical research.

Dr. Brown now examines a working prototype of a BCI up close.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Based on extrapolations of previous
research models we built the world's
first fully functioning brain computer
interface; an implantable microchip
that could communicate with the brain
and provide valuable insights for
maintaining it's function.

Dr. Brown observes medical imaging that shows various views
of the back of a brain with a very small BCI attached.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The potential applications were
immense. The fully developed
applications of this device could
cure cancer, restore sight to the
blind, even reverse paralysis, all
within the coming decade.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary FBI agents interrogate Dr. Brown, seeking information about the brain-computer interface (BCI) he developed for Henry Waters' foundation. Dr. Brown, while hesitant to reveal specifics, enthusiastically explains the BCI's potential to revolutionize medicine, cure diseases, and improve human lives. Flashbacks showcase his journey from initial research to the creation of the groundbreaking technology.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Compelling characters
  • Tense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some exposition-heavy dialogue
  • Lack of visual action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of suspense, drama, and emotional depth. It reveals crucial information about the plot while keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of brain-computer interfaces and the ethical implications of using them for manipulation and control is thought-provoking and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Dr. Brown reveals his involvement in advanced research and the potential consequences of his actions. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and innovative concept with the BCI technology, presenting a unique take on the intersection of biology and technology. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and credibility to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially Larry and Dr. Brown. Their struggles and motivations are compelling and add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Dr. Brown undergoes a significant change as he reveals his past and the consequences of his actions. Larry also shows growth as he grapples with loss and betrayal.

Internal Goal: 8

Dr. Brown's internal goal in this scene is to reveal the truth about his involvement in the research and the potential impact of the BCI technology. This reflects his desire to be understood and to share the importance of his work.

External Goal: 7

Dr. Brown's external goal in this scene is to explain the origins and potential of the BCI technology to the FBI agents. This reflects his immediate challenge of convincing them of the importance and ethical implications of his work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal (Dr. Brown's moral dilemma) and external (the FBI investigation). The tension keeps the audience invested in the story.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, as Dr. Brown faces resistance from the FBI agents and potential ethical dilemmas related to his research.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dr. Brown's past actions come to light, potentially putting lives at risk and revealing the dark side of advanced technology.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the plot, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the audience's understanding of the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the BCI technology and Dr. Brown's motivations, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the interrogation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of using advanced technology like the BCI for medical purposes. Dr. Brown's belief in the potential benefits clashes with potential concerns about privacy, control, and unintended consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is significant, especially in Larry's grief over Santo's death and Dr. Brown's revelation about his research. It adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and reveals key information about the plot and characters. It keeps the audience engaged and sets the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines suspenseful elements with emotional depth, drawing the audience into Dr. Brown's story and the potential consequences of his research.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue and action that maintains the audience's interest and builds tension effectively. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dramatic interrogation scene, with clear transitions between dialogue and action. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a logical progression, moving between the present interrogation and flashbacks to Dr. Brown's past experiences. This structure enhances the storytelling and provides context for the character's motivations.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Dr. Brown's narration to a flashback in his office, which may confuse the audience. Consider smoother transitions to maintain clarity.
  • The dialogue exposition by Dr. Brown feels a bit heavy-handed and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. Show more of his emotions and internal conflict rather than telling everything outright.
  • The scene lacks visual elements to engage the audience. Consider incorporating more visual cues or actions to enhance the storytelling.
  • The information about the BCI technology and its potential applications feels rushed and could be expanded upon to create a more immersive and detailed narrative.
  • The scene could benefit from more interaction between the characters to add depth and dynamics to the dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to flow more smoothly between Dr. Brown's narration and the flashback in his office.
  • Show more of Dr. Brown's internal struggles and emotions through his actions and reactions rather than relying solely on dialogue exposition.
  • Introduce visual elements such as Dr. Brown's reactions to the BCI technology or the medical imaging to enhance the audience's understanding and engagement.
  • Expand on the information about the BCI technology and its potential applications to create a more detailed and immersive narrative.
  • Include more character interactions and dynamics to add depth and complexity to the scene.



Scene 30 -  The Mind Control Experiment
INT. LABORATORY

Dr. Brown enters the lab. It contains a number of soldiers
in chairs with dozens of electrodes attached to their brains
and transmitting the results to nearby monitors.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
But Henry Waters was not out to save
the world.
(MORE)
73.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He had thought of a better idea and
he wanted to use it for himself.

Dr. Brown observes the activity on a screen as the soldiers
sit in somber compliance.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The devices could record brain
activity, but they could also emit
electrical impulses back to mimic
brain activity. It was something
like mind control and it was Henry's
cup of tea exactly.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY - TESTING ROOM

A UNITED STATES MARINE, fit with a metallic cap linked to
dozens of wires lays on his back on an operating table.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
In cooperation with the military we
used soldiers as test subjects.

The Dr. Brown of years past sits near the operating table,
typing commands into a computer.

He types 'awake' and presses 'enter'.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We eventually achieved our ultimate
goal. An operable mind control
device, that could receive commands
from a computer and reissue those
commands to the brain itself.

The soldier on the table abruptly rises to a seated position,
his eyes aglow with electricity, though he is not truly
conscious.

Dr. Brown types in 'Salute'. The drone soldier does so.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was a power greater than any human
will could reject. Bodies had been
turned into machines.

Dr Brown watches in awe. The Generals (military personnel)
in attendance applaud.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Of course I knew something was
terribly wrong with all this.
(MORE)
74.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Something about it was horribly
unnatural. To move men, is something
that has been done since the dawn of
time. With force. With laws. With
words. But to control men? What
right did we have? We were playing
God.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Dr. Brown, a scientist working in a modern research facility, successfully demonstrates a mind control device. The technology uses electrodes to both record and emit electrical impulses to the brains of soldiers, granting him control over their actions. Dr. Brown, despite his achievement, expresses concerns about the ethical implications of his creation, leaving the audience to ponder the potential consequences of this powerful technology.
Strengths
  • Exploration of ethical dilemmas
  • Complex themes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth in dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and thought-provoking, delving into complex themes and ethical questions. It sets up a dark and intense atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control technology and its implications on human behavior is intriguing and well-developed. It raises important ethical questions and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly by revealing the origins and consequences of the mind control experiment. It adds layers to the story and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the ethical implications of mind control technology, exploring the moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist in a futuristic setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene serve their purpose in advancing the concept and plot. Dr. Brown's internal conflict adds depth to the narrative, while the soldiers represent the victims of the unethical experiment.

Character Changes: 6

Dr. Brown experiences internal conflict and moral dilemma as he grapples with the consequences of the mind control experiment. His perspective and beliefs are challenged, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to grapple with the moral implications of using mind control technology on human beings. It reflects his deeper need for ethical integrity and his fear of the consequences of playing God.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully develop and demonstrate the mind control technology to the military. This reflects the immediate challenge of meeting the military's expectations and advancing his research.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between ethics and personal gain is prominent in the scene, creating tension and suspense. The power dynamics between Dr. Brown and Henry Waters add another layer of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist grapples with the ethical implications of his research and the consequences of his actions. The uncertainty of how the military will use the mind control technology adds a layer of complexity and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the manipulation of human behavior through mind control technology, with far-reaching consequences for the characters and the world. The ethical implications raise the stakes even higher.

Story Forward: 9

The scene provides crucial information about the origins of the mind control experiment and its impact on the characters. It moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations of scientific progress and the consequences of unchecked power. The moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist add layers of complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the ethical dilemma of using mind control technology to manipulate human behavior. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the limits of scientific advancement and the responsibility of those in power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and moral discomfort, eliciting thought and reflection from the audience. The ethical implications of the mind control experiment resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is informative and serves to convey important information about the experiment and its implications. It lacks emotional depth but effectively moves the story forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it raises thought-provoking questions about the ethical implications of mind control technology and the consequences of scientific advancement. The tension and moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist captivate the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the mind control technology is demonstrated, leading to a climactic moment of realization for the protagonist. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the ethical dilemmas faced by the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with descriptive language that enhances the visual imagery of the laboratory setting and the experimental procedures. It follows the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the mind control technology is demonstrated, leading to a climactic moment of realization for the protagonist. It follows the expected format for a sci-fi thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Dr. Brown entering the lab to observing soldiers with electrodes attached to their brains, which may confuse the audience about the setting and context.
  • The voice-over narration by Dr. Brown provides important exposition about the mind control devices, but it may be more effective to show these devices in action rather than just describing them.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and character development, focusing more on the technical aspects of the mind control devices. Adding more personal stakes or reactions from the characters could enhance the impact of the scene.
  • The dialogue in the voice-over narration feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more natural and engaging language to keep the audience engaged.
  • The scene raises ethical and moral questions about mind control and the abuse of power, but these themes could be explored more deeply to add complexity and depth to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a visual of the soldiers and electrodes to establish the setting before Dr. Brown enters the lab.
  • Show the mind control devices in action to visually demonstrate their effects on the soldiers, rather than relying solely on narration.
  • Add more emotional moments or reactions from the characters to humanize the story and engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • Revise the voice-over narration to be more engaging and natural, incorporating dialogue that feels authentic to the characters and the situation.
  • Further explore the ethical dilemmas of mind control and the implications of playing 'God' to add depth and complexity to the scene.



Scene 31 -  The Rise and Fall of the Game of Psi
INT. LAB - MORNING

A long line of Brain Computer Interfaces, small little brain
chips of unimaginable power, with their cobweb of wires around
a central computational node run the span of a counter in
the lab.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
By the time he told me his idea, I
knew he must have been planning it
all along. He wanted to outfit a
few of his players with the brain
interfaces and improve their play.
The way he saw it, the advantage the
devices would give his team would
make them unbeatable.

INT. SANTO'S HOTEL SUITE

Santo lies unconscious, on his side on the bed, as the subject
of a covert medical operation.

He has been changed into a gown. Three SURGEONS work together
to drill a small hold in the back of Santo's head.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
It isn't easy to get one of those
things in there. It's meant to attach
to the rear of the brain and the
most effective way was to drill
directly into the skull.

Santo sleeps peacefully as the surgeons work to place a spring
loaded syringe into the opening in his skull.

The BCI is ejected into Santo's head.

INT. SANTO'S BRAIN - CONTINUOUS

The technological device floats within the goopy interior of
Santo's skull.

A light on the tech comes on and the device turns automonous,
swimming it's way only the back of Santo's brain stem,
unfolding, and latching on.
75.

INT. SANTO'S HOTEL SUITE - CONTINUOUS

Santo continues to sleep while the surgeons utilize a bone-
like plaster to fill the gap the tech disappeared into.

DR BROWN
But we found the right methods, and
the right drugs to get it done. We
inoccuated the athletes as they slept
and performed a rapid operation.

They patch hair onto the spot with a body glue.

DR BROWN (CONT'D)
Santo Kasper, Ron Ball, and Larry
Wilder all had the BCI's implanted.

INT. LAB

The casing for the physical Game of Psi console is in the
process of having gold letters etched into it by a robotic
arm.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
The Game of Psi was built to manage
the enhancement process.

The casing for the Game of Psi is placed on the guts (wires,
computer chips) of the console.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It is a simple console that you turn
on and power up. Athlete enhancement
occurs near instantaneously.

The device sits sternly atop a desk. It's gold letters
glisten - 'PSI'.

INT. BASKETBALL STADIUM

The Los Angeles Storm celebrate an ABL Championship atop a
podium placed at center court.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
For three seasons with the game of
psi we won the league championship.

Santo holds the championship trophy high in the air as the
confetti rains down and his teammates rejoice.

INT. BASKETBALL STADIUM - HOME BENCH

Santo and Larry sit side by side on the team's bench. They
sip sports drinks and cheer for their team.
76.

Nearby, Dr. Brown sits with the assistant coaches and team
personelle as the acting team physician.

DR BROWN
For three years, I sat courtside for
every game. I was able to monitor
them and make sure everything was in
order. Nothing ever came up.

The Head Coach approaches Santo and Larry.

DR BROWN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The athletes could be powered on and
off at will.

COACH SPRIGGS
Kasper. Wilder. Let's go.

The men hop off the bench and jog to the scorer's table. As
they take off their warm-ups, time SLOWS and sparks of
electricity flicker in their eyes.

As the men check into the game, Dr. Brown concludes.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
Further research revealed that the
immense psychological toll imposed
by the technology could lead to
potentially devastating side effects.
Notably, a type of all-encompassing
psychosis that, once it took hold,
could change a person entirely in a
matter of days. Henry recognized
this wasn't something to play with
and with his three championships was
content to allow the game to be
retired.

Larry inbounds the ball to Santo.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Dr. Brown narrates the story of the development and implementation of Brain Computer Interfaces (BCIs) in professional athletes, showcasing their success in enhancing performance. The Game of Psi console allows athletes to instantly activate their enhanced abilities, leading to the Los Angeles Storm winning three consecutive ABL championships. However, the scene shifts focus to the psychological toll the technology takes on the athletes, culminating in the decision to retire the Game of Psi and its associated enhancements.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of brain-computer interface technology
  • Complex ethical dilemmas and moral questions
  • Engaging dialogue and tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the technology may require suspension of disbelief
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and sets up a complex and intriguing storyline involving advanced technology, manipulation, and ethical dilemmas. It introduces high stakes and raises questions about the consequences of using mind control on athletes.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using brain-computer interfaces to enhance athletes' performance is innovative and thought-provoking. It adds a layer of complexity to the story and raises ethical and moral questions about the use of technology in sports.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, introducing the brain-computer interface technology and its impact on the athletes. It sets up conflicts and dilemmas that drive the story forward and create tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the ethical implications of using technology in sports and explores the psychological toll of enhancement on athletes. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, especially Dr. Brown, who is involved in the manipulation of athletes using the technology. Santo, Larry, and Ron are also compelling characters caught in a web of deceit and manipulation.

Character Changes: 6

The characters undergo subtle changes as they are introduced to the brain-computer interface technology and its consequences. Their beliefs and motivations are challenged, setting the stage for potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the success and well-being of the athletes he has enhanced with the Brain Computer Interfaces. This reflects his desire to push the boundaries of technology and achieve greatness in the sports world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to win the league championship and maintain the success of his enhanced athletes. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the sports competition and the pressure to continue winning.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the ethical dilemma of using mind control on athletes, the manipulation of the characters, and the high stakes involved in the technology's use.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist must navigate the ethical implications of his actions and the potential consequences for the athletes. The uncertainty of the outcome adds tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes with the introduction of mind control technology in sports, the manipulation of athletes, and the potential consequences of using such advanced technology. The characters' fates are at risk, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the brain-computer interface technology, setting up conflicts and dilemmas that will drive the narrative. It adds complexity to the plot and raises questions that need to be answered.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected consequences of using advanced technology in sports and explores the psychological impact on the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of using advanced technology to enhance athletes. The protagonist must grapple with the potential consequences of his actions and the impact on the athletes' mental health.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and intrigue, leading to an emotional impact on the audience. The ethical dilemmas and moral questions raised add depth to the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to reveal important information about the technology and the characters' motivations. It adds depth to the scene and helps build tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines high-stakes sports drama with ethical dilemmas and technological intrigue. The tension builds as the consequences of the protagonist's actions become clear.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the protagonist's actions unfold. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the emotional and ethical stakes.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a sci-fi sports drama, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively builds tension and explores the consequences of the protagonist's actions. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations for a sci-fi sports drama.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between the lab, Santo's hotel suite, and the basketball stadium, which can be confusing for the audience to follow. Consider streamlining the locations to maintain clarity.
  • The dialogue in the scene is primarily in voiceover, which can be a passive way to convey information. Consider incorporating more active dialogue between characters to engage the audience.
  • The scene focuses on the technical aspects of implanting the Brain Computer Interfaces (BCIs) and the Game of Psi console, but lacks emotional depth or character development. Consider adding more emotional beats to connect the audience with the characters' experiences.
  • The scene touches on the potential ethical implications of mind control technology, but doesn't delve deeply into the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. Consider exploring the characters' internal conflicts and ethical struggles more explicitly.
  • The conclusion of the scene hints at the psychological toll of the technology and the decision to retire the Game of Psi, but doesn't fully explore the consequences of using such powerful enhancements. Consider delving deeper into the aftermath of the technology's impact on the characters.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the scene transitions and locations to improve audience understanding.
  • Introduce more active dialogue between characters to enhance engagement.
  • Add emotional depth and character development to make the scene more compelling.
  • Explore the characters' moral dilemmas and ethical struggles related to mind control technology.
  • Delve deeper into the consequences of using powerful enhancements and the decision to retire the technology.



Scene 32 -  The Game of Psi's Deadly Secret
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The three agents listen attentively.

DR BROWN
Santo Kasper developed that psychosis
because of the game of psi. He killed
himself because the technology was
overused. Larry Wilder is in the
same danger and he may not have much
time.

BOROWITZ
Where is it now? The game of Psi?
77.

DR BROWN (V.O.)
Unfortunately, I don't know. The
Waters mansion was robbed shortly
after Henry passed and it must have
been taken then. They must have
figured out how to operate it.

JASON
You don't know who's been controlling
the athletes?

DR BROWN
No.

JASON
Then how do we know it's being used?

DR BROWN
Because of what happened to Santo.
His psychosis and suicide are exactly
what our research detected was prone
to happen with too much exposure to
the psi technology. It's not just
being used, it's being overused.
Larry Wilder is going to be next and
that's if the game doesn't literally
kill him first

JASON
What do you mean?

DR BROWN
The device was never meant to be
powered all the way up. But whoever
has it doesn't know that and it could
just be a matter of time before they
try.

SELENA
What would happen?

DR BROWN
He could die.

BOROWITZ
And how would you purport to stop
them?

DR BROWN
There's a tracing program in the
console that can be accessed via
military gps. I was just moments
away from doing so at the air force
base.
(MORE)
78.

DR BROWN (CONT'D)
The console can still be located and
Larry can be spared the same fate as
Santo. That's all I was doing there.
I know Larry well. I don't want to
see this happen to him.

Selena and Jason look to Borowitz, who looks to Dr. Brown's
attorney.

BOROWITZ
Thank you agents, that'll be all for
now.

Selena and Jason rise and begin to exit the conference room.

As they exit, Selena turns back.

SELENA
Dr. Brown.

He looks.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Enjoy prison.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Dr. Brown warns agents Jason, Selena, and Borowitz about the dangers of the 'game of psi' device, revealing it as the cause of Santo's psychosis and suicide. He expresses concern for Larry Wilder's safety as he's at risk of the same fate. Dr. Brown explains that the device was not designed for full power usage and that whoever possesses it is unaware of the potential consequences. Despite his urgency, the agents remain skeptical, leaving Larry's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and sets up a high-stakes conflict that keeps the audience engaged. The revelation of the potential consequences of the mind control technology adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control technology and its impact on athletes is intriguing and thought-provoking. The scene effectively explores the ethical implications of using such technology for personal gain.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the dangers posed by the misuse of the mind control technology. The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the technology and its potential consequences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique technology (psi) and explores the ethical implications of its misuse. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their motivations and personal stakes in the situation, adding depth to the scene. Dr. Brown's guilt and concern for Larry's safety are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Dr. Brown experiences a shift in perspective as he realizes the potential consequences of the mind control technology. His guilt and concern for Larry demonstrate a change in his motivations and priorities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prevent Larry Wilder from suffering the same fate as Santo Kasper, showing a desire to protect others and prevent harm.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to locate the console with the tracing program to prevent Larry from being harmed by the overuse of the psi technology.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes, with the revelation of the potential danger faced by Larry and the urgency to stop the misuse of the mind control technology. The tension is palpable as the characters grapple with the ethical implications of their actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous technology and a race against time to prevent harm.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the potential danger faced by Larry and the urgent need to stop the misuse of the mind control technology. The characters' actions have life-or-death consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the mind control technology and its potential dangers. It sets up a compelling conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown consequences of the psi technology and the urgent need to locate the console.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethical use of technology and the responsibility to prevent harm. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the consequences of technological advancements.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern for Larry's safety to the regret over Santo's tragic fate. The personal stakes and emotional weight of the characters' actions add depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency of the situation and the emotional weight of the characters' actions. The conversations between the agents and Dr. Brown reveal key information about the technology and its dangers.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and urgency throughout the dialogue and action sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an interrogation room setting, with clear character cues and dialogue tags.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful investigative genre, with clear dialogue and action sequences.


Critique
  • The scene provides crucial information about the impact of the 'game of psi' technology on Santo Kasper and the potential danger it poses to Larry Wilder, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.
  • The dialogue is informative and serves to advance the plot, revealing the risks associated with overusing the technology and the imminent threat to Larry's life.
  • There is a good balance of exposition and character interaction, with Dr. Brown's revelations adding depth to the story and raising the stakes for the characters.
  • The scene effectively conveys the ethical dilemma surrounding the use of the technology and the consequences of its misuse, adding complexity to the narrative.
  • The tension and urgency in the scene are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the characters' reactions to the revelations about the technology and its consequences.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to create a sense of urgency and suspense, such as through the use of lighting, camera angles, and editing techniques.
  • Provide more context about the history of the 'game of psi' technology and its development, to give the audience a clearer understanding of its significance.
  • Explore the moral implications of the technology further by delving into the characters' conflicting feelings about its use and the potential harm it can cause.
  • Consider incorporating a sense of impending danger or a race against time to locate the console and prevent further harm to Larry, adding to the suspense of the scene.



Scene 33 -  Wilder's Breakdown
INT. FBI - SELENA'S DESK - MOMENTS LATER

Selena stands while Jason sits in her chair tossing a ball
to himself.

SELENA
I can't believe any of this.

JASON
Well you may as well believe all of
it.

SELENA
How do you do that?

JASON
Do what?

SELENA
Stay so unaffected. Do you realize
what we're-

Her phone rings. It's Borowitz.

SELENA (CONT'D)
It's Borowitz. Hang on.

She answers.
79.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Hey Borowitz.

She listens.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Alright. Right away.

She hangs up.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Law enforcement was just called to
Larry Wilder's house. We need to
get over there now.

EXT. RESIDENCE OF LARRY WILDER - LATER

Selena and Jason pull up in front of the residence. Two cop
cars are present with their lights on.

In the front yard two cops stand talking to neighbors.

Outside the front door stands Larry, conversing with another
cop.

The agents exit their vehicle and approach the house. One of
the cops steps up.

COP
Can I help you?

Selena shows her badge.

SELENA
Federal agents. Can you tell me what's
going on here?

COP
The resident was outside his home
stumbling and intoxicated. The
neighbor saw and tried to help.
Larry tried to leave in his vehicle
and a scuffle ensued. He's still
pretty out of it.

He gestures over to where Larry continues an aggressive
exchange with a cop.

She moves towards the entrance where one of the cops steps
up again.

She shows her badge again.

SELENA
FBI. We'll take it from here.
80.

COP 2
He's in some pretty rough shape.
We've got an ambulance on the way.

SELENA
It's okay. You can leave him with
us.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary After Larry Wilder's arrest, Selena and Jason are at the FBI office when they receive news that Wilder has been found intoxicated and attempting to drive away after a scuffle with a neighbor. They rush to his house where they find him being apprehended by local police. Despite Selena's concern and Jason's seemingly indifferent reaction, the FBI agents take over the situation, allowing the police to leave and leaving Wilder in their care.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
  • High-stakes situation
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character growth potential not fully explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a critical moment in the story, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to handle a character in a compromised state is well-executed, adding depth to the plot and raising the stakes.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the federal agents take control of the situation, leading to potential revelations and consequences for the characters involved.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar crime investigation scenario but adds a twist with the internal conflict of the protagonist. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Selena and Jason, show determination and professionalism in handling the situation, adding depth to their roles.

Character Changes: 6

While there is potential for character growth, the focus is more on the unfolding events rather than significant character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and professionalism in a high-pressure situation. This reflects her need to be in control and handle difficult circumstances with grace.

External Goal: 7

Selena's external goal is to take charge of the situation at Larry Wilder's house and handle the investigation effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with a potentially volatile situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the federal agents and the character in a compromised state creates a sense of urgency and danger, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Selena and Larry adding a layer of unpredictability and tension. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover operation and the character's compromised state heighten the tension and suspense, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a critical development and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events at Larry Wilder's house and the escalating tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between maintaining law and order while also showing compassion for Larry's situation. Selena must balance her duty as a federal agent with her empathy for someone in distress.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes tension and concern for the characters involved, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the urgency and seriousness of the situation at hand.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and the sense of urgency in the investigation. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and a clear resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The action is described concisely and effectively.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a typical structure for a crime investigation genre, with a buildup of tension and a clear resolution. The pacing is effective in building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional impact considering the gravity of the situation. There is a disconnect between the characters' reactions and the urgency of the events unfolding.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat generic and lacks authenticity in conveying the tension and seriousness of the situation. There is a missed opportunity to explore the emotional turmoil and conflict within the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and exploration of the internal struggles faced by Selena and Jason as they deal with the unfolding crisis involving Larry Wilder.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with abrupt transitions between different locations and interactions. This detracts from the overall coherence and impact of the scene.
  • The lack of visual descriptions and sensory details hinders the scene's ability to immerse the audience in the unfolding events and create a sense of urgency and tension.
Suggestions
  • Add more emotional depth and complexity to the characters' reactions and interactions to convey the gravity of the situation effectively.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the tension and urgency of the events, while also delving into the internal conflicts and dilemmas faced by the characters.
  • Consider slowing down the pacing of the scene to allow for more nuanced character development and exploration of the emotional stakes involved.
  • Include visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.
  • Explore the relationships and dynamics between the characters in more depth, highlighting their individual motivations and struggles in the face of the unfolding crisis.



Scene 34 -  The Shadow of Santo
INT. RESIDENCE OF LARRY WILDER - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

A dazed Larry sits on a couch next to Jason. Larry is wrapped
in a blanket. Selena sits on a chair facing them.

LARRY
I really appreciate you guys helping
me out. I guess, I still don't
understand what you all are looking
into.

JASON
We're not looking into anything Larry.
Word came across my desk you were
here and in a tough spot. We just
came by to help out.

LARRY
Okay. Well thanks I guess.

SELENA
What happened tonight?

LARRY
I was getting ready for bed. Got in
an argument with my wife and she
left to go to Sally Kasper's. Started
drinking and don't remember much
after that.

SELENA
Have you been feeling alright? In
general?

LARRY
Umm...I guess I'm not sure.

SELENA
What do you mean?

LARRY
I mean-

Larry thinks.
81.

LARRY (CONT'D)
I saw Santo the night he died. Things
had been a little weird up to that
point, but that night something was
really off.

SELENA
Say more.

LARRY
That night it was like...he was just
crazy all of a sudden. And now-

He sniffles and begins to cry.

JASON
What's wrong Larry?

Larry looks up, with tears in his eyes.

LARRY
I feel crazy too.

INT. FBI - SELENA'S DESK

Selena sleeps on her desk. Jason approaches and sees her
sleeping. He picks up a stack of papers and drops them.
Selena startles and awakens.

JASON
Sleeping on the job?

SELENA
(sarcastic)
Good morning Jason.

JASON
Borowitz needs to see us.

Selena wipes the sleep from her eyes.

SELENA
Alright.

INT. BOROWITZ OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Selena and Jason are seated in front of Borowitz.

BOROWITZ
The trace of the console was a
success. We have located both the
console's location and identified
the culprit in possession of it.
82.

SELENA
Where are we going?

BOROWITZ
Las Vegas. A man by the name Marcus
Benson has been staying in a penthouse
suite for several months there, where
our trace indicates The Game of Psi
is stashed and being used by him to
manipulate the gambling markets.

JASON
The power to magically shave points
off pro basketball games does sound
enticing.

BOROWITZ
Call it what you want it'll soon be
over. You leave in an hour.

INT. CASINO SUITE - NIGHT

Las Vegas, Nevada

Selena sits on the floor, alone in the large, elegant suite
reviewing intelligence background documents on Marcus.

Jason emerges from the bathroom.

SELENA
I need your help with something.

JASON
What?

SELENA
A police report was filed two months
ago with the Las Vegas Police
Department by a woman named Andrea
Banks. She was in a relationship
with Marcus but she went to the police
after she says he showed her a magical
device that allowed him to influence
the outcomes of basketball games.

JASON
I bet the cops loved that.

SELENA
Borowitz wants someone to get her
account in person and I have to be
at a meeting with casino security in
15 minutes.
83.

JASON
Can I go to the meeting and you go
talk to her?

SELENA
It's a 3 hour meeting.

Jason sighs and stands to exit.

JASON
(disgruntled)
I'll be back.

EXT. RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING

Jason stands cloaked in shadows. The restaurant is closed
and the parking lot is mostly empty.

From an exit in the back, Andrea emerges. She walks towards
her vehicle, still in her waitressing clothes.

JASON
Andrea Banks?

She stops.

ANDREA
Who's asking?

Jason approaches flashing his badge.

JASON
FBI. I have some questions for you.

ANDREA
What kind of questions?

JASON
We found the police report you filed.
About Marcus Benson.

Andrea stops and turns.

ANDREA
What?

JASON
We know about the game of psi. Marcus
Benson. The sports betting. All of
it.

ANDREA
I don't know Marcus anymore.
(MORE)
84.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
I asked for help about this already
and I got called crazy. So you should
really just walk away.

She turns and walks towards her car.

JASON
But you did. You knew him?

She stops.

JASON (CONT'D)
You've seen the console.

A beat.

ANDREA
I left him when he showed me it.
It's a terrible thing.

JASON
I know it is but we're trying to
make this right.

He stops a few feet away.

ANDREA
You can't make that right.

JASON
We're trying.

ANDREA
Is Marcus in trouble?

JASON
Yes.

ANDREA
Why? He didn't make that thing.

JASON
Marcus is responsible for the death
of Santo Kasper.

ANDREA
Santo Kasper died by suicide.

JASON
That thing he showed you, it's not
really controlling the athletes. It
enhances them. But the human body
isn't meant for that.
(MORE)
85.

JASON (CONT'D)
Larry's been overexposed to the
technology. If Marcus were to power
that thing up all the way Larry Wilder
could die within minutes so we're
not going to give him another chance
to do that. If you know anything
helpful now would be the time to
speak up.

ANDREA
I know that thing is real. What
more is there to know?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Larry confides in Selena and Jason about seeing Santo the night he died, raising suspicions about Marcus Benson's involvement. The FBI tracks the console to Marcus in Las Vegas and Selena enlists Jason's help in finding Andrea Banks, a woman who left Marcus due to the game of psi. Andrea confirms the game's reality and Jason warns her about the danger Marcus poses to Larry.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful plot twists
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Transition between scenes could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, suspense, and crucial plot developments, keeping the audience engaged and invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mind-controlling device used in sports betting and its deadly consequences is intriguing and adds a layer of complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds smoothly, revealing key information about the characters and advancing the overarching storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as magical devices and manipulation of real-world events, adding a fresh and intriguing twist to the familiar genre of mystery and suspense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Larry and Andrea, show vulnerability and depth, adding emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Larry undergoes a significant emotional transformation, moving from confusion to a moment of clarity about the situation.

Internal Goal: 8

Larry's internal goal is to make sense of his recent experiences and emotions, particularly his feelings of confusion and instability. He is grappling with his mental state and past events, seeking clarity and understanding.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate and stop Marcus Benson from using a magical device to manipulate basketball games. This goal reflects the immediate threat to the protagonist's safety and the need to protect others from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' moral dilemmas and the imminent danger posed by the mind-controlling device creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of the characters' interactions, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident as the characters uncover the deadly consequences of the mind-controlling device and race against time to prevent further harm.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the 'game of psi' device and setting up the next phase of the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations in the characters' actions and dialogue. The tension and suspense build gradually, keeping the audience on edge and eager to see what happens next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of using magical devices to influence real-world events. It challenges the characters' beliefs about power, responsibility, and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, especially in Larry's vulnerable moment of realization and Andrea's conflicted feelings towards Marcus.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, revealing important details about the characters' motivations and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, emotion, and suspense. The characters' personal struggles and professional challenges create a sense of urgency and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and narrative descriptions. The rhythm and flow of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, maintaining the audience's interest and building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and descriptive, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with well-paced dialogue and narrative descriptions. The transitions between different locations and character interactions are smooth and effective, keeping the audience invested in the story.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and emotions. Larry's transition from confusion to revealing a significant detail about Santo's death feels rushed and could benefit from more development.
  • The dialogue between Selena and Jason at the FBI office feels forced and lacks natural flow. The interaction could be more authentic and engaging.
  • The introduction of Andrea and Jason's conversation in the parking lot feels abrupt and could use more build-up to create tension and intrigue.
  • The revelation of the 'game of psi' and its potential consequences is a crucial plot point but could be delivered with more impact and depth to enhance the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional cues for Larry to convey his inner turmoil and confusion effectively.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Selena and Jason to make it more natural and reflective of their characters' personalities.
  • Build up the tension and suspense in the interaction between Jason and Andrea by adding more layers to their conversation and creating a sense of urgency.
  • Enhance the revelation of the 'game of psi' by adding more context and emotional weight to the dialogue, making it a pivotal moment in the scene.
  • Incorporate more visual and sensory details to enrich the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 35 -  The Game's True Cost
INT. HOTEL SUITE - LATER

Selena remains awake while Jason snores.

She makes her way to the bar where a picture of Henry Waters
sits on the bar-top.

She holds the image and gazes into the oblivious and noble
stare of Santo Kasper. He grips Henry's hand tightly. Henry
grins from ear to ear like a proud, drunk dad.

SELENA
Oh Henry. What did you do?

EXT. CASINO - FRONT ENTRANCE - MORNING

A vehicle pulls up to the casino hotel. The back door opens
and Andrea emerges.

ANDREA
(to driver)
Thank you.

He waves and drives off.

Andrea turns to the casino. She takes a deep breath.

INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY

Andrea stands at the door of Marcus' penthouse.

She knocks several times. There is a long beat of silence,
then footsteps, then more silence.

The door opens a crack and Marcus peeks out. He sees Andrea
and smiles.

ANDREA
Hi Marcus.
86.

INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE

Marcus and Andrea sit on the couch.

MARCUS
How did you find me?

ANDREA
It's Vegas, Marcus. Everyone talks.

MARCUS
Why are you here?

ANDREA
I have something to show you.

MARCUS
Yeah?

Andrea reaches for her phone and pulls up an audio recording.

ANDREA
A federal agent came to talk to me
last night. They know about the
game.

MARCUS
(affected)
What?

ANDREA
I didn't get the whole conversation.
Just the end. You need to hear it.

She presses play. Dialogue from the night before in her
interaction with Jason plays:

JASON (O.S.)
That thing he showed you, it's not
really controlling the athletes. It
enhances them. But the human body
can only handle so much of that.
Larry's been overexposed to the
technology. If Marcus were to power
the game up all the way Larry Wilder
could die within minutes so we're
not going to give him another chance
to do that. If you know anything
helpful now would be the time to
speak up.

ANDREA (O.S.)
I know that thing is real. What
more is there to know?
87.

The recording ends.

ANDREA (CONT'D)
(stern)
The game is why Santo Kasper killed
himself. You need to stop.

Marcus is truly shaken.

MARCUS
No, no. No.

ANDREA
That thing is evil. But you didn't
create it and you don't need to take
the fall for it. You just need to
give this up.

MARCUS
(panicked)
What was that last bit?

ANDREA
Marcus, you're not listening.

MARCUS
No, no on the recording. The bit
about not giving me more time? Play
it back.

ANDREA
Hang on.

Andrea cues up the middle of the recording:

JASON (O.S.)
Larry Wilder could die within minutes
so we're not going to give him another
chance to do that.

She stops the recording.

MARCUS
Another chance. The storm play at
noon.

He looks sharply at Andrea.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
They're coming now.

Andrea looks on in fear as the wheels of Marcus' mind begin
to churn.
88.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Selena reflects on the past, remembering Henry Waters and Santo Kasper, while in Las Vegas, Andrea confronts Marcus with a startling revelation. She plays a recording of a conversation with a federal agent, exposing the game's dangerous nature and the potential death of Larry Wilder if fully activated. The recording also suggests an unknown entity is working to prevent Marcus from using the game again, leaving him shaken and facing a critical decision.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Revealing dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, drama, and intense moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The revelation of the dangerous consequences of the technology and the emotional confrontation between Marcus and Andrea elevate the tension and impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the brain-computer interface technology and its potential dangers is intriguing and well-developed in the scene. The revelation of the true nature of the 'game of psi' adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as key information about the technology and its consequences is revealed. The high stakes and imminent danger facing the characters drive the narrative forward with intensity.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of high-stakes gambling and dangerous technology. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Marcus and Andrea are well-defined and their emotional conflict adds depth to the scene. Their interactions reveal their motivations and fears, creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Both Marcus and Andrea undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, as they confront the truth about the technology and its consequences. Their beliefs and actions are challenged, leading to internal conflict and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal is to uncover the truth about Henry Waters and his actions. This reflects her desire for justice and closure.

External Goal: 9

Andrea's external goal is to confront Marcus about the dangerous game and convince him to stop. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to prevent further harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving moral dilemmas, personal stakes, and life-threatening consequences. The confrontation between Marcus and Andrea raises the tension to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and high stakes that create uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the revelation that a character's life is in imminent danger due to the technology. The threat of death and the moral dilemma facing the characters raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the brain-computer interface technology and setting up a high-stakes confrontation between the characters. The narrative tension is heightened, driving the plot towards a critical turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations and plot twists that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of the dangerous game and the responsibility of the characters involved. It challenges their beliefs about right and wrong, and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and determination in the characters and the audience. The emotional turmoil of Marcus and Andrea adds depth and resonance to the revelations and confrontations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and emotional turmoil of the characters. The revelations and confrontations are effectively communicated through the dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, dramatic tension, and emotional stakes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Selena's contemplation of Henry Waters and the sudden shift to Andrea arriving at the casino.
  • The dialogue between Andrea and Marcus feels rushed and lacks depth, especially considering the gravity of the situation being discussed.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense leading up to the revelation about the 'game' and its potential consequences.
  • The emotional impact of the recording revealing the danger of the 'game' on Larry Wilder could be heightened with more emphasis on the characters' reactions.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the storytelling, such as body language and facial expressions to convey the characters' emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Selena's reflection and Andrea's arrival at the casino to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Andrea and Marcus to delve deeper into their emotions and the weight of the situation they are facing.
  • Build suspense leading up to the revelation about the 'game' by gradually escalating the tension between the characters.
  • Focus on the characters' reactions to the recording to emphasize the gravity of the situation and the impact of the revelation.
  • Incorporate more visual cues, such as body language and facial expressions, to enhance the emotional depth of the scene and engage the audience.



Scene 36 -  The Empty Penthouse
INT. CASINO SUITE

Selena, Jason and four additional FEDERAL AGENTS are present.
They are finishing getting all their gear on for the raid.

Selena secures her bullet proof vest and holsters a pistol
before picking up and loading an automatic weapon.

JASON
Ready?

She nods.

INT. CASINO - STAIRWELL

The cadre of agents flies up the stairs, fully loaded
automatic weapons in hand.

The two agents bringing up the rear carry a battering ram.

At Marcus' floor they rush through the door into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY - OUTSIDE MARCUS' PENTHOUSE DOOR

The agents take their positions outside the door and the
battering ram is brought forward.

A few tense moments of nothing.

One of the agents holding the battering ram holds his free
hands and signals one, two, three.

AGENT
Here we go.

The battering ram is thrown into the door which splinters on
contact. The agents rush through.

INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE

The cadre rushes inside in formation, weapons pointed. No
one in sight.

JASON
Clear.

Pointing.

JASON (CONT'D)
You and you down that hallway. You
two that one. Selena with me.

Selena and Jason hunker down and move swiftly down the hallway
towards the master bedroom.
89.

Shouts of 'clear' from behind them.

Selena takes a position next to the door and Jason proceeds
to kick it in weapon drawn.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM

Andrea lies on the bed with a severe set of facial bruises.

Jason approaches and stands over her as Andrea struggles to
retain consciousness.

ANDREA
(tearful)
He's gone.

JASON
God dammit.

SELENA
Who is this?

Jason shakes his head in disbelief.

JASON
The ex who filed the police report.
She must have tipped him off.

SELENA
(into walkie)
I need a med evac immediately.

ANDREA
(meekly)
He told me to deliver a message.

SELENA
What?

ANDREA
He said, if you don't let him go,
he's going to kill Larry Wilder.

SELENA
What?

ANDREA
He said he's going to turn it all
the way up. That thing. The game
he has. He's going to use it to
kill Larry Wilder.

On Jason's Phone: Borowitz
90.

JASON
This is Jason.

BOROWITZ (O.S.)
(on phone)
What happened?

JASON
His ex tipped him off. He's gone
and he's threatening to use the game
of psi to harm Larry Wilder. We
need a new trace run.

BOROWITZ (O.S.)
Copy.

Selena holds Andrea's hand.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Federal agents, led by Selena and Jason, find Marcus' penthouse suite empty except for his injured ex-girlfriend, Andrea. Andrea reveals Marcus' threat to kill Larry Wilder if he is not released. Jason contacts Borowitz to request a new trace run to locate Marcus.
Strengths
  • High stakes
  • Tension
  • Emotional impact
  • Urgency
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and crucial to the plot, with high stakes and a sense of urgency that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control technology and the potential consequences of its misuse are central to the scene, driving the conflict and action forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters race to prevent a potential tragedy, with the tension escalating as the threat becomes clearer.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation where the antagonist threatens to use a dangerous game to harm others, adding a fresh twist to the typical law enforcement raid scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are driven by their emotions and motivations, with their actions and decisions shaping the outcome of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and make difficult decisions that could potentially change their relationships and futures.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect innocent lives and stop the antagonist from using a dangerous game to harm others. This reflects their deeper desire to uphold justice and prevent harm.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to apprehend the antagonist and prevent him from carrying out his threat. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in stopping a dangerous individual.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and racing against time to prevent a tragedy.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist posing a significant threat and creating uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, with the potential for a tragic outcome if the characters fail to prevent the misuse of mind control technology.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up a crucial turning point and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, where the antagonist threatens to use a dangerous game to harm others, adding a layer of complexity to the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the choice between upholding the law and protecting innocent lives, even in the face of personal danger. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with fear, concern, and determination driving the action and decisions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused and impactful, conveying crucial information and emotions in a tense and urgent situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action thriller, with a buildup of tension, a climax of confrontation, and a resolution of the immediate threat.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear setup and context for the raid on Marcus' penthouse, leaving the audience confused about the urgency and stakes of the situation.
  • The dialogue feels rushed and lacks depth, with characters delivering lines that are more expository than revealing of their emotions or motivations.
  • The action sequences are described in a straightforward manner without much tension or suspense, missing an opportunity to build excitement and engage the audience.
  • The character of Andrea is introduced abruptly and her relationship with Marcus is not well-established, making her sudden appearance and involvement in the scene feel forced.
  • The revelation of Marcus' threat to use the 'game of psi' to harm Larry Wilder lacks impact and could be more effectively conveyed through heightened tension and emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Provide a brief setup at the beginning of the scene to establish the urgency and importance of the raid on Marcus' penthouse.
  • Focus on developing the dialogue to reveal the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships more effectively.
  • Enhance the action sequences by adding descriptive details, building tension, and creating a sense of suspense throughout the raid.
  • Introduce Andrea earlier in the script and establish her relationship with Marcus to make her involvement in the scene more organic and impactful.
  • Amplify the tension and emotional stakes of Marcus' threat to harm Larry Wilder by adding more depth to the characters' reactions and interactions.



Scene 37 -  High Stakes: Game On
INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

The stadium fills towards capacity.

Players are at the last several seconds of shootarounds.
The horn sounds and the players jog to their benches.

At center court commentators sit ready to call the game.

STAN
Hello and welcome to Los Angeles for
this matchup between the Los Angeles
Storm and the Utah Warriors. I'm
Stan Wright alongside my partner
Bill Walters. My question for you
Bill is what if any distraction does
this game provide to this team to
try and put aside the emotions tonight
and just play basketball?

BILL
I think it helps. Larry Wilder will
be starting tonight. Remember he
has been coming off the bench this
year and yet to make a start this
season. Fan's gotta be hyped.

EXT. HIGHWAY

A helicopter flies through the desert several hundred feet
above the desert.

INT. HELICOPTER

Selena and Jason ride in the passenger cabin. A third UNNAMED
AGENT rides with them.
91.

UNNAMED AGENT
(yelling over
propellers)
The suspect has been tracked fleeing
in a vehicle. He's just outside of
Jean, Nevada. Another 'copter on
his tail. We're taking you to a
rendevous point.

EXT. HIGHWAY - OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS

A Tesla zips down the highway.

INT. TESLA

Marcus sits at the wheel. He sets the vehicle to autopilot
and turns his attention to the passengers seat where the
Game of Psi Console and his laptop sit.

He opens the laptop and plugs it into the console. He powers
on the console.

The software program for the game runs on his laptop.

A police helicopter zips by at close range, then loops back
out. Another helicopter is spottable at medium distance.

MARCUS
(crazed) *
Let's play.

On the laptop screen a prompt appears 'Game Starting. Proceed
to Game Mode Y/N?'. Marcus keys in 'Y'.

A new prompt: 'Select athlete for enhancement'. Marcus keys
in '13'.

The number 13 avatar comes forward and gives way to a new
screen with Larry's vitals and hormone levels.

'Select enhancement level, 1-100'.

Marcus keys in '100' and hits enter. The meter fills all
the way.

'Enhancement not advised. Continue Y/N'

'Enhancement Commencing'.

Market turns off autopilot and floors his vehicle, quickly
jetting up to over 100 mph.
92.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary A thrilling scene unfolds simultaneously in a basketball arena and on a Las Vegas highway. While commentators discuss the potential distraction of the game, a suspect is being pursued by police helicopters. Marcus, using a program on his laptop, enhances the performance of basketball player Larry Wilder. Despite a warning about the dangers of the highest level of enhancement, Marcus selects it and speeds away in his Tesla, aiming to reach the arena and potentially influence the game's outcome.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intriguing sci-fi concept
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in dialogue
  • Character development could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up a crucial turning point in the plot. The combination of action, suspense, and sci-fi elements keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control devices, enhanced athletes, and the dangerous consequences of using such technology are intriguing and well-executed in the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Marcus using the Game of Psi console to enhance athletes and the imminent danger posed by his actions. The scene sets up a major conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of using technology to enhance athletic performance, which adds a fresh and innovative twist to the traditional high-speed chase scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their motivations and the unfolding events, adding depth to their actions and decisions. However, more development and exploration of their internal conflicts could enhance the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character growth and revelations, more significant changes and internal conflicts could deepen the character arcs and add complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to enhance an athlete's performance using a software program for a game. This reflects his desire for power and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture during the high-speed chase in the Tesla. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving the imminent danger posed by Marcus's actions, the pursuit by law enforcement, and the potential consequences of using mind control devices.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the imminent danger to Larry Wilder, the revelation of the mind control technology's impact on athletes, and the pursuit of Marcus adding intense pressure and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the mind control devices, escalating the conflict, and setting up a high-stakes confrontation between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected use of technology to enhance athletic performance and the high-speed chase sequence.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's willingness to use technology to enhance performance at any cost and the ethical implications of such actions. This challenges the protagonist's values and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, concern, and suspense, engaging the audience emotionally. However, deeper emotional connections and character development could enhance the impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with characters expressing their concerns and intentions clearly. However, more emotional depth and complexity in the dialogue could elevate the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different locations and building tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall objective and conflict. It jumps between different locations and characters without a clear focus on the main storyline.
  • The dialogue between the commentators at the basketball arena feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The transition between the helicopter chase and Marcus in the Tesla is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the action.
  • The character of Marcus is portrayed as one-dimensional and stereotypical, with his actions driven solely by a desire to play the 'Game of Psi' without much depth or motivation.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to engage the audience in the high-stakes situation unfolding.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the main objective of the scene and ensure that each location and character serves a purpose in advancing the plot.
  • Revise the dialogue between the commentators to make it more realistic and engaging for the audience.
  • Smooth out the transition between the helicopter chase and Marcus in the Tesla to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative.
  • Develop the character of Marcus to add complexity and depth, giving him more nuanced motivations and emotions.
  • Add emotional depth to the scene by exploring the internal struggles and conflicts of the characters involved, particularly Marcus and Selena.



Scene 38 -  Larry's Dominance
INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

At the scorer's table, Larry Wilder stomps his feet for
traction and steps onto the court.

He exchanges high fives with a couple of teammates and takes
his place on the court while the referee sets up for the
tip.

STAN (V.O.)
Both teams set for tip.

The ball is thrown skyward and the centers jostle for
possession, with the tip won by the Storm and the ball
returned to Larry to bring up the court.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Tip won by the storm. Wilder brings
it up court.

Larry has the ball and calls the play. His teammates begin
to move around.

As Larry dribbles, time slows. Zooming into the back of
Larry's head, his BCI powers on and neural activity
accelerates to an alarming rate.

His eyes shift one way, then the other, as his awareness of
his surroundings grows.

His teammate calls for the ball. He dribbles. And again.

Time returns to full speed.

TEAMMATE
Larry.

The teammate claps for the ball.

TEAMMATE (CONT'D)
Let's go.

Larry ignores him and directs his attention to his own
defender. They intensify.

Larry begins to dribble between his legs, behind his back
and right in front of the defender with an unnatural level
of speed.

STAN (V.O.)
Larry Wilder putting the defender on
notice.
93.

One last move by Larry puts the defender off balance. Larry
stands a moment in confident defiance before launching an
effortless looking three that hits nothing but net.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And he hits nothing but net! From
way downtown!

Larry scoots down the floor, signaling ice in his veins.

BILL (V.O.)
Well I don't think that was the play
but no one is arguing with the result.
Larry Wilder gets it started in style.

Back on defense the lightning quick Larry forces his man to
give up the ball to the post.

STAN (V.O.)
Wilder playing stiff defense. The
ball goes to the post.

The center turns and misses badly.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Utah's shot not close.

Larry claps impatiently for the ball.

LARRY
Let's go. Let's go.

The pass comes and Larry dribbles up the floor.

STAN (V.O.)
Wilder into the front court.

Larry steps into the frontcourt and sees the defender still
about 10 feet off.

He smirks and pulls up in a non-chalant yet powerful shooting
motion.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He pulls up from Riverside.

The 40 foot shot hits nothing but net. A stoic Larry holds
his hand high as he walks back down the court.

BILL (V.O.)
And hits! Wow. That was freaking
sweet.

The opposing coach angrily calls timeout. The whistle blows
and players head to their benches.
94.

STAN (V.O.)
Timeout on the floor.

BILL
I don't know what Larry Wilder had
for breakfast but he is hot out of
the gate. Utah needs to talk it
over.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Larry Wilder enters the basketball game and immediately makes a three-pointer, followed by forcing a turnover and another three-pointer from long range. His impressive BCI abilities and skillful play leave the opposing team frustrated and their coach calling a timeout.
Strengths
  • Intense and exciting atmosphere
  • Well-developed characters
  • Innovative concept of brain-computer interface in sports
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development during the game
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the intensity and excitement of a high-stakes basketball game with enhanced player abilities, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a brain-computer interface to enhance player performance in a basketball game is innovative and adds a unique twist to the sports genre.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the basketball game and the use of the brain-computer interface, creating tension and suspense as the players showcase their enhanced abilities.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces the use of BCI technology in sports, adding a fresh and futuristic element to the familiar setting of a basketball game. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the competitive nature of sports.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Larry Wilder, are well-developed and their actions during the game reflect their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the actions and decisions of the characters reflect their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 9

Larry's internal goal is to showcase his skills and dominance on the court. This reflects his desire for recognition, success, and validation of his abilities.

External Goal: 8

Larry's external goal is to win the basketball game and lead his team to victory. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing during the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the players, the opposing team, and the ethical implications of using the brain-computer interface creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Larry facing challenges from the opposing team and his own teammates, adding to the unpredictability and tension of the game.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the basketball game, combined with the use of advanced technology and the ethical dilemmas faced by the characters, create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the consequences of using the brain-computer interface and setting up further conflicts and developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected use of BCI technology and Larry's exceptional abilities on the court.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of individual talent and skill versus teamwork and strategy. Larry's exceptional abilities challenge the traditional notions of team play and cooperation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including excitement, tension, and anticipation, as the players showcase their enhanced abilities.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is focused on the game and the interactions between the players, adding to the intensity and excitement of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, intense competition, and the protagonist's exceptional skills on display.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement during the basketball game.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama genre, with clear descriptions of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a focus on the protagonist's actions and the progression of the game.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear setup or context for Larry's sudden burst of exceptional performance, such as his mental state or any external factors affecting his gameplay.
  • The use of a Brain Computer Interface (BCI) to enhance Larry's abilities is introduced abruptly and without proper explanation, leaving the audience confused.
  • The transition from normal gameplay to Larry's enhanced state is not smoothly executed, resulting in a jarring shift in tone and pacing.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, particularly in the interactions between Larry and his teammates, which impacts the believability of the scene.
  • The visual elements of Larry's enhanced abilities are not effectively conveyed, making it difficult for the audience to visualize the impact of the BCI on his performance.
Suggestions
  • Provide a clearer setup for Larry's enhanced performance, such as showing his struggles or mental state before the game to create a more impactful transformation.
  • Introduce the concept of the BCI earlier in the script and establish its significance in relation to the characters and the plot.
  • Smooth out the transition between normal gameplay and Larry's enhanced state by incorporating visual cues or subtle changes in the environment to signify the shift.
  • Focus on improving the authenticity of the dialogue to make the interactions between characters more natural and engaging.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of Larry's enhanced abilities to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 39 -  Outburst in Jean
EXT. FIELD - JEAN, NEVADA

The chopper lands in the field where a black government issued
SUV sits next to a police escort.

Selena and Jason hop out and run to the waiting police
officer.

OFFICER BOGART
Agent Vargas?

She nods.

SELENA
That's me.

Jason shakes hand with the Officer.

JASON
Agent Plumber.

OFFICER BOGART
I'm officer Bogart, Nevada state
patrol. The SUV is yours.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA - MOMENTS LATER

The players begin to file back onto the court.

STAN (V.O.)
Storm lead 6-0, Larry Wilder has
come out hot.

INT. TESLA

As Marcus drives the open laptop displays a new message.
'Cardiac Abnormality Detected. Discontinue enhancement?
Y/N?'

Marcus keys in 'N'.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

The ball is inbounded by Utah and brought up the floor.
They begin to run a play.
95.

As soon as the ball touches the hands of Larry's man, Larry
swats it free and takes possession.

STAN
Stolen by Wilder.

This starts a 2 on 1 fast break. Larry gives the ball up
and when the defender shifts over calls for the ball back.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Here come the Storm on the fast break.

With no one between him and the basket Larry leaps through
the air and annihalates the rim with a vicious slam dunk.

STAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh my word! I have never-

As he lands Larry turns up the floor and bumps into a Utah
player.

LARRY
Yeah, boy! You like that?

UTAH PLAYER
Man get out of here.

He gives Larry a light shove. Larry erupts and shoves him
back much harder. Teammates quickly step in to separate the
two but Larry refuses to calm down.

STAN (O.S.)
And now we have an on court scuffle
breaking out.

SLOW MOTION: LARRY'S EYES GLOW WITH FLICKS OF SPORADIC
ELECTRICITY.

BILL (O.S.)
It actually looked like Wilder started
it. Throwing shade after that throw
down and my question is 'why?' You
make a play like that, you really
don't have to say a thing.

Coach Spriggs attempts to calm his star.

COACH SPRIGGS
Larry, come on man. We're playing
ball. We're just playing ball. Hey
ref, timeout.

The referees whistles blow as they attempt to calm the
kerfuffle.
96.

Larry continues to be restrained in the continuing on court
scuffle.

COACH SPRIGGS (CONT'D)
Larry, you good?

Larry nods stoically.

LARRY
I'm good.

COACH SPRIGGS
I love the energy, but you're better
than that. Let the play talk.

Larry nods his head silently. Time slows. He continues to
nod. A flicker of electricity runs through his eyes.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary While Selena and Jason arrive at a remote field in Jean, Nevada, Larry Wilder, playing for the Storm, has an erratic outburst during a basketball game. After stealing the ball and scoring a dunk, Larry argues with a Utah player, leading to a scuffle. Though the referees call a timeout, Larry remains agitated, his eyes flickering with electrical energy. Coach Spriggs tries to calm him down, but Larry's unpredictable behavior and hints of supernatural powers leave everyone on edge. The scene ends with Larry restrained by the referees as the timeout begins.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Innovative concept
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up a high-stakes conflict that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mind control technology being used in a basketball game is innovative and adds a thrilling element to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with escalating tension and conflict leading to a dramatic confrontation on the basketball court.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sports genre by incorporating elements of technology and medical issues into a basketball game setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their motivations and emotions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Larry Wilder undergoes a subtle change as he grapples with the power of the mind control technology and his own emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to control his emotions and maintain composure despite the escalating conflict on the basketball court. This reflects his need to prove himself as a skilled player and control his impulses.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the basketball game and showcase his talent as a player. The conflict and scuffle on the court challenge this goal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the stakes raised to a dangerous level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict on the basketball court presenting a challenging obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high, with the potential for life-threatening consequences as the characters face off in a dangerous game of power and control.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new level of conflict and setting the stage for a dramatic showdown.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected escalation of the conflict on the basketball court, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of sportsmanship and self-control. Larry's actions challenge the values of fair play and respect in sports.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to excitement, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and reflects the escalating conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense sports action, escalating conflict, and emotional turmoil of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the escalating conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for a sports drama screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Selena and Jason arriving at the field in Nevada to the Storm Basketball Arena without a clear connection or transition, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The sudden shift to Marcus driving his Tesla and encountering a critical message on his laptop about a cardiac abnormality detected feels disjointed and lacks a smooth transition from the previous events.
  • The escalation of Larry's behavior from a dominating performance on the court to a physical altercation with a Utah player feels rushed and lacks a clear buildup or development of tension.
  • The slow-motion sequence of Larry's eyes glowing with sporadic electricity is visually impactful but the significance or implications of this visual cue are not clearly explained or explored in the scene.
  • The dialogue between Coach Spriggs and Larry lacks depth and emotional resonance, missing an opportunity to delve into Larry's internal struggles or the potential consequences of his behavior.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the field in Nevada and the Storm Basketball Arena to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Provide more context or build-up to Marcus encountering the critical message on his laptop to create a more seamless connection to the previous events.
  • Gradually escalate Larry's behavior on the court to the point of the altercation with the Utah player to create a more organic and believable progression of events.
  • Clarify the significance of Larry's eyes glowing with electricity through either dialogue or visual cues to enhance the audience's understanding of this mysterious element.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Coach Spriggs and Larry to add depth to their interaction and explore the emotional turmoil or conflict within Larry, providing a more compelling character arc.



Scene 40 -  Collision Course
INT. TESLA

The laptop displays a new message: 'Cardiac Abnormality
Unresolved. Discontinue enhancement? Y/N?'

Marcus sneers and drives faster for a moment. That is before
he spots a blockade of police vehicles up in the distance.

MARCUS
What?

The laptop begins to beep loudly and reads: 'Cardiac Arrest
Imminent. Enhancement Discontinuation Recommended.'

MARCUS (CONT'D)
No.

He slams the breaks and turns around the vehicle, zipping
back in the opposite direction as fast as he came.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA- BENCH

Larry sits on the bench staring straight ahead.

His breathing begins to slow and becomes more labored. He
winces at some sort of internal pain. He collects himself a
moment, then winces again even harder and grabs his chest.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

The attention of the team has shifted back to getting the
game restarted. Larry sits solitary wincing.

LARRY
Hey.
97.

He clutches his chest harder and stumbles off the chair onto
his knees.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Hey! I need some help.

Coach Spriggs turns to see his star on the floor.

COACH SPRIGGS
Larry. Larry!

He runs over. Larry roles onto his back.

COACH SPRIGGS (CONT'D)
What's going on?

Larry winces heavily.

LARRY
It's my heart.

The team doctor rushes over.

TEAM DOCTOR
What's going on?

COACH SPRIGGS
He just said it's his heart.

INT. GOVERNMENT SUV

Jason drives the SUV and Selena sits shotgun.

Officer Bogarts SUV drives behind them.

On the central display a GPS shows their location relative
to Marcus.

SELENA
1.1 miles. Closing in.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

Larry lays on his back. He's dazed and breathing heavily.
The team medical staff are gathered around him.

INT. TESLA

In the passenger's seat the laptop flashes a warning 'Cardiac
Failure. Fatality Likely.'

Marcus remains focused on the road. He spots the oncoming
SUV and police escort coming from the other direction.
98.

MARCUS
No. No!

INT. GOVERNMENT SUV

Selena and Jason can see Marcus approaching.

SELENA
Slow down. Slow way down.

Jason decelerates as Marcus comes to a stop ahead of them.

SELENA (CONT'D)
Get within 50 yards, then stop.

Jason decelerates into a stop 50 yards away from Marcus' now
idle vehicle. Officer Bogart's SUV pulls up next to them to
block the road.

JASON
What now?

SELENA
I'll show you.

She exits the vehicle and pulls her weapon.

EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

Selena walks down the middle of the road towards the Tesla.
Jason stands next to the SUV.

Once Selena is 40 yards in front of the SUV she stops. Marcus
rolls down his window.

SELENA
(shouting)
It's over Marcus. Come out of there.

MARCUS
(shouting)
I told you to leave me alone!

SELENA
We can't do that.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA - SCORER'S TABLE

The commentators orient themselves.

STAN (O.S.)
So we have something that has happened
on the storm bench. It looks to be
a serious situation involving Larry
Wilder.
99.

BILL (O.S.)
Yeah, it looked to me like Larry
Wilder went down on the floor. I
mean, he just fell down. And I don't
want to speculate but I'm pretty
sure he was grabbing at this chest.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Selena points her pistol in Marcus' direction.

SELENA
It's over Marcus. Come out of the
vehicle.

In his vehicle Marcus snarls. He revs the engine. He revs
again louder.

JASON
Selena!

Marcus accelerates.

Selena pulls the trigger, sending a single bullet flying
towards the oncoming Tesla.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

Larry's eyes droop as he fades from consciousness.

TEAM DOCTOR
(loud)
Larry. Larry.

INT. TESLA

The bullet flies through the windshield with a crash and
continues straight into the side of The Game of Psi console
placed in the passenger seat.

With a tremendous burst of sparks, the evil device meets a
fiery end.

The blue light that signals the device is powered on
immediately shuts off.

The screen reads 'Enhancement discontinued. Game
disconnected'.

The shrapnel from the shot scatters around the vehicle and
causes Marcus to lose control.

The vehicle turns sideways and skids towards the two parked
government vehicles as Selena turns and sprints back towards
the line of safety they provide.
100.

She gets behind the line of vehicles and dives head first,
landing hard on the pavement just as the out of control Tesla
smashes horizontally into the front of the SUV and Police
Escort. The intense impact leaves Marcus jarred by shock.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary As Marcus ignores warnings of an impending heart attack and speeds down the highway, Larry collapses on the basketball court, suffering from intense chest pain. Selena confronts Marcus, but he accelerates towards her, forcing her to shoot at his Tesla. The bullet hits the Game of Psi, causing it to explode and disabling Marcus's enhancements. The impact sends the Tesla careening into Selena's SUV and a police vehicle, leaving Marcus shocked.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Well-developed conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and delivers a climactic moment that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a mind control device to enhance athletic performance adds a layer of intrigue and danger to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear escalation of conflict and a satisfying resolution that ties up loose ends.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like enhancements, advanced technology, and a high-speed chase, adding freshness to the familiar themes of power, control, and conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Larry undergoes a significant change as he faces a life-threatening situation, while Marcus experiences a moment of shock and defeat.

Internal Goal: 8

Marcus's internal goal is to continue using the enhancement despite the warnings of cardiac arrest. This reflects his desire for power and control, as well as his fear of losing his edge or advantage.

External Goal: 9

Marcus's external goal is to evade capture by the government and escape the impending confrontation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the danger he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and reaches a climax with the confrontation between Selena and Marcus.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Selena and the government providing a formidable challenge to Marcus's goals. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and invested in the conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with lives on the line and a dangerous individual in control of powerful technology.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving the conflict with the mind control device and setting up new challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, like Selena shooting at Marcus and the sudden resolution of the enhancement device. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marcus's desire for personal power and the government's authority to regulate and control dangerous enhancements. This challenges Marcus's beliefs about autonomy and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and tension in the audience, especially during Larry's health crisis and the showdown with Marcus.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and serves to heighten the suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and dramatic conflict. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between different locations and characters. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and suspense of the action.


Critique
  • The scene builds tension effectively with Marcus facing imminent cardiac arrest and Larry experiencing a health crisis during a basketball game.
  • The use of technology, such as the laptop warnings and the Game of Psi console, adds a futuristic and suspenseful element to the scene.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters, especially Selena and Marcus, create a sense of urgency and conflict.
  • The visual descriptions, like Larry's physical distress and Selena's confrontation with Marcus, enhance the dramatic impact of the scene.
  • The scene effectively intertwines the high-stakes situations of both Marcus and Larry, creating a sense of parallel urgency and danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Marcus as he faces the consequences of his actions and the imminent danger he is in.
  • Provide more context or backstory on Larry's health condition or the impact of the BCI technology on his physical well-being to deepen the audience's understanding of the situation.
  • Explore the aftermath of the scene in more detail, showing the immediate consequences of the actions taken by Selena and Marcus.
  • Consider adding a resolution or cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more and to set up the next scene effectively.
  • Ensure the pacing of the scene remains consistent to maintain the tension and suspense throughout.



Scene 41 -  The Aftermath
EXT. HIGHWAY

Selena lies on the ground a moment before Jason and Officer
Bogart help her up.

Selena rises to a knee. She spots some blood on her elbow.

Looking back towards the toppled and defunk vehicle she sees
the barely conscious Marcus next to the diminshed game of
psi, her marksmanship in prominent display.

INT. STORM BASKETBALL ARENA

Larry receives chest compressions.

TEAM DOCTOR
Come on Larry. Come on.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Selena and Jason run up to the vehicle. Marcus is bloodied
in the drivers seat. He moans.

The now defunct Game of Psi console sits idly in the
passengers seat with a clean bullet hole through it's side.

SELENA
(concerned) *
Pray it was in time.

INT. STORM ARENA

Fans take videos of what they can see though team personelle
surrounding Larry make it hard to see much.

The doctor performs chest compressions.

TEAM DOCTOR
Come on Larry.

More compressions.

TEAM DOCTOR (CONT'D)
Come on.

A final compression and Larry sputters back into
consciousness.

TEAM DOCTOR (CONT'D)
There we go.
101.

Larry coughs, moans and tries to roll over. The team staff
steadies him.

TEAM DOCTOR (CONT'D)
Easy there Larry. We've got you.

INT. STORM ARENA - COURTSIDE - MOMENTS LATER

As Larry is wheeled off in a stretcher, Stan comments from
his courtside post.

STAN (V.O.)
Well this has to be the strangest
one minute of basketball we've ever
seen. 8 points, one steal, a rim-
shattering highlight dunk and a
medical emergency for Larry Wilder
who is now being taken off the court
in a stretcher.

Larry lays on a stretcher and looks up the rafters and sees
the three championship banners from the years he won aside
Santo.

The fans stand and applaud his exit.

BILL (V.O.)
Well I'm not a doctor so I couldn't
even begin to guess what just
happened...

Larry smiles faintly and presses two fingers to his lips,
then raises them to the sky as he continues to gaze at the
banner.

BILL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But I think I speak for this entire
community when I say I'll be saying
an extra prayer for Larry Wilder and
this Storm community tonight.

The crowd continues to stand and applaud as Larry is wheeled
off the court and out of sight.

As he disappears into the tunnel he gazes skyward, towards
the three championship banners he won with Santo.

FADE OUT:

EXT. FBI - SHOOTING RANGE - DAY

Selena occupies the range. She eases into a round of shots.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
102.

Satisfied, she lowers her gun, breathing heavily.

INT. BOROWITZ OFFICE - LATER

Selena knocks on the open office door. Borowitz looks up
from her work.

BOROWITZ
You can come in.

Selena steps inside.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
Have a seat if you'd like.

She remains standing.

SELENA
I just had a few things to say about
everything that happened here.

BOROWITZ
Sure.

SELENA
I'm worried about Larry. The BCI is
still in his body.

BOROWITZ
We are already researching potential
methods of extraction. In the
meantime the device will remain
powered off and so it poses no
immediate threat.

SELENA
Is he going to find out the truth?

BOROWITZ
If and when we manage to get that
thing out of him, he will. He'll
have to. Of course he'll have to be
sworn to secrecy.

SELENA
So it's still an if. You might not
tell him.

BOROWITZ
Would you be bothered if we didn't?

SELENA
I think I would.
103.

BOROWITZ
You want my advice?

Selena nods.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
Don't be. What happened here wasn't
just complex, logistically,
criminally, dogmatically. It was
evil. Do you know what 30 years in
this field have taught me about evil,
Agent Vargas?

Selena shakes her head.

BOROWITZ (CONT'D)
You will never stay completely ahead
of it. Now you think Larry has a
right to know what happened. But
that might not be possible, nor is
it what's really eating away at you.
What's bothering you is that this
happened at all. You want to wake
up tomorrow and find that The Game
of Psi was just a bad dream. But
its not. It will take time to figure
out what justice can do here. Be
patient.

SELENA
What about the console? What'll
happen to it?

BOROWITZ
The console was rendered functionally
useless by that shot of yours but
the research value is thought to be
immense, so it will be securely stored
to be studied.

SELENA
Right.

BOROWITZ
I'm sorry for what you've been
through. It's not how any of us want
it to be, but it's the way it is.
You'll learn from this.

SELENA
I'm sure I'll be fine. It's just,
that thing...

She thinks of it.
104.

SELENA (CONT'D)
It was no game.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Following the devastating crash of the Game of Psi console, Selena witnesses the aftermath, finding Marcus injured and the console destroyed. At the same time, Larry Wilder, a former basketball legend, suffers a heart attack during a game and is rushed to the hospital, reminiscing about his past victories as he is taken away. Later, Selena meets with Agent Borowitz, expressing her anxiety for Larry's well-being after the BCI device was implanted in him. Borowitz assures her that the device is currently off and they are working to remove it. While hesitant to reveal the truth, Borowitz promises to tell Larry if it's possible and safe. As they discuss the future of the Game of Psi console, Selena recognizes the gravity of the situation, acknowledging it wasn't a game, but a dangerous and powerful tool.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • High-stakes action
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Pacing could be improved in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, emotion, and reflection, creating a compelling and impactful narrative. The high stakes, emotional depth, and character development contribute to a strong overall rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mind control device and its dangerous implications is intriguing and well-executed in the scene. The exploration of the technology's impact on the characters adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot effectively weaves together the aftermath of the mind control device's use, the characters' emotional journeys, and the high-stakes action sequences. The scene moves the story forward while also providing important character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the Game of Psi console and the ethical dilemmas surrounding the BCI device. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed and undergo significant emotional and psychological challenges. Their interactions and reactions to the events add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Larry Wilder, who faces the consequences of the mind control device and grapples with his past actions. The emotional and psychological transformations add depth and complexity to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Selena's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the events that have transpired and make sense of the moral complexities she has faced. She is grappling with the consequences of her actions and the impact they have had on others.

External Goal: 7

Selena's external goal is to ensure the safety of Larry and navigate the ethical dilemmas surrounding the BCI device inside him. She is also concerned about the fate of the Game of Psi console and its implications for the ongoing investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the characters' moral dilemmas, the high-stakes action of stopping the mind control device, and the emotional struggles they face. The conflicts drive the narrative and engage the audience.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with ethical dilemmas, moral conflicts, and external threats challenging the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcomes and the characters' choices.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is filled with high stakes, including the potential danger posed by the mind control device, the characters' emotional struggles, and the intense action sequences. The risks and consequences heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict with the mind control device, advancing the characters' arcs, and setting up future developments. It provides closure while also opening up new possibilities for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and moral dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complex narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of evil and the complexities of justice. Borowitz challenges Selena to confront the reality of evil in the world and the limitations of seeking complete justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through the characters' struggles, the high-stakes action, and the themes of loss, responsibility, and redemption. The emotional depth adds resonance and impact to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It provides insight into their internal struggles and relationships, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines suspenseful action, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas to keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys. The shifting locations and character dynamics add to the overall engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and action to coexist. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative descriptions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between Selena's actions on the highway and Larry's medical emergency at the basketball arena, which can be a bit disjointed and may benefit from smoother transitions.
  • The impact of the crash involving Marcus and the Game of Psi console is described in detail, but the emotional impact on the characters involved could be further explored to enhance the scene.
  • The dialogue between Selena and Borowitz provides important information about Larry's situation and the handling of the BCI device, but it could be more emotionally engaging to draw the audience in.
  • The scene at the Storm Arena with Larry receiving medical attention is intense, but more focus on Larry's internal struggle and emotions could add depth to the character and the situation.
  • The final moments with Selena at the shooting range and her conversation with Borowitz provide closure, but the emotional weight of the events could be further emphasized to resonate with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between Selena's actions on the highway and Larry's medical emergency to create a more seamless flow between the two locations.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the crash involving Marcus and the Game of Psi console on the characters involved, particularly Selena and Marcus, to add depth to the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Selena and Borowitz to make it more emotionally engaging and impactful, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and decisions.
  • Focus on Larry's internal struggle and emotions during the medical emergency at the Storm Arena to add depth to his character and the gravity of the situation.
  • Emphasize the emotional weight of the events in the final moments with Selena at the shooting range and her conversation with Borowitz to resonate with the audience and provide a sense of closure.



Scene 42 -  Securing the Game of Psi
INT. GOVERNMENT SECURE STORAGE FACILITY - DAY

Two SECURITY GUARDS walk down a narrow hallway. One pushes
a cart with the shot-up Game of Psi console on it.

They reach a metal door and both men input key cards into
slots in the wall, then press their fingers on two separate
finger print scanners.

INT. SECURED VAULT

The metal door to the vault slides open and the two guards
enter.

A bridge extends outward from where they enter to a round
platform that hangs suspended in the center of the vault,
attached only to the bridge on one side.

In the center of the platform is a stand where the console
will sit.

A wall of lasers blocks the entrance to the bridge.

Both guards press their thumbs on finger print scanners and
the lasers vanish. They trudge down the bridge to the center
of the platform where Guard 2 sets down the console on the
stand.

GUARD 2
Hey, you have any idea what this
thing is?

GUARD 1
I think it's like some sort of CIA
video game or something.

GUARD 2
Where'd you hear that?

GUARD 1
I overheard some people talking.

GUARD 2
Who'd you hear talking?

GUARD 1
Just some people. Didn't sound too
serious.

Guard 1 presses a button and a clear orb begins to fold up
around the console, sealing it inside.
105.

GUARD 2
Well if it's a game, nobody's going
to be playing with it anytime soon.

The console, in the center of the vault, sits in the light.
The men exit and as the door closes we get one last look at
the magical and horrible device. The golden letters 'PSI'
glimmer on the front of the console.

FADE OUT:

THE END.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Two security guards, unaware of its true purpose, transport a damaged Game of Psi console to a secure government vault. The vault features a bridge protected by lasers that the guards activate and deactivate using their fingerprints. One guard encases the console in a clear orb, highlighting its mystical nature. The scene ends with the console, sealed in the orb, resting in the center of the vault, leaving the viewer to ponder its significance.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • High stakes
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Character development
  • Dialogue refinement

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging with a unique concept, high stakes, and intense conflict, but could benefit from further character development and dialogue refinement.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the mind control device and the high stakes involved are intriguing and drive the tension in the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense, but could be enhanced with more character depth and development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and intriguing concept with the Game of Psi console, blending elements of technology and government secrecy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are involved in high-stakes situations, but could be further developed to add more depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is potential for character growth and change, especially with the revelation of the consequences of the mind control device.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand the true nature of the Game of Psi console and its potential implications. This reflects their curiosity and desire for knowledge.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure and protect the Game of Psi console in the vault. This reflects their duty as a security guard and the importance of safeguarding sensitive government assets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the high stakes involved, and the intense situation in the secure storage facility create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the guards facing the challenge of securing the Game of Psi console and dealing with the unknown dangers it may pose. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the potential for catastrophic consequences with the mind control device and the character experiencing a heart attack.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mind control device, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown nature of the Game of Psi console and the potential consequences of its discovery. The audience is left wondering about the console's true purpose and significance.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the secrecy and potential danger of the Game of Psi console. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the government's motives and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions through the character experiencing a heart attack and the intense situation with the mind control device.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the plot and tension well, but could be improved with more nuanced exchanges and character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing concept, and well-developed characters. The mystery surrounding the Game of Psi console keeps the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension as the guards secure the console in the vault. The rhythm of the action and dialogue contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a logical progression, introducing the setting, characters, and conflict in a clear and engaging manner. It adheres to the expected structure for a suspenseful government thriller.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the gravity of the situation with the Game of Psi console.
  • The dialogue between the security guards feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction seem superficial.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and intrigue around the mysterious nature of the console and its potential implications.
  • The visual description of the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging image for the reader.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and lacks a satisfying resolution or payoff.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension and urgency to the scene by emphasizing the importance and danger of the Game of Psi console.
  • Develop the dialogue between the security guards to make it more engaging and reflective of the seriousness of the situation.
  • Build intrigue around the console by providing more context or hints about its significance and potential consequences.
  • Enhance the visual description to create a more immersive and vivid image of the secure storage facility and the console.
  • Consider revising the ending to provide a more satisfying conclusion or cliffhanger that leaves the reader intrigued and wanting more.