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Scene 1 -  Echoes of Faith
EXT. ST. SIMON’S CHURCH – DAY – TEN YEARS AGO

The sun illuminates the majestic church as PARISHONERS enter.
DANIEL, 10, skinny, pale-faced, holds hands with his MOM, 43.

FX TIME LAPSE: A full moon casts an eerie glow on the now
dilapidated St. Simon’s Church.

EXT. ST. SIMON’S CHURCH – NIGHT – PRESENT DAY

"God is not here" is ominously spray-painted on the boarded-up
stained glass window. DELANNIE (formerly Daniel), 19, her
makeup covering a hint of stubble stares at the dirty stained-
glass window. She squeezes through a hole in the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary The scene begins ten years ago at St. Simon’s Church, where young Daniel enters with his mother on a bright day. A time lapse reveals the church's decline into a dilapidated state, now boarded up with the phrase 'God is not here' spray-painted on a stained glass window. In the present, Delannie, formerly Daniel, stands outside, embodying isolation and change. The contrast between the church's former glory and its current decay symbolizes Delannie's internal struggle with identity and faith. The somber tone evokes feelings of loss and disillusionment as Delannie squeezes through a hole in the door, indicating her desire to confront her past.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Character transformation
  • Mystery setup
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a haunting atmosphere and introduces a compelling character transformation, engaging the audience with its mystery and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revisiting a childhood location and exploring the changes over time adds depth to the character and sets up the central mystery of the story effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot is intriguing, introducing the character's past and present in a compelling way, setting up questions that drive the audience's interest in the unfolding story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of past and present timelines, exploring themes of identity and spirituality through the setting of an abandoned church. The authenticity of Delannie's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character's journey.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The character of Delannie is intriguing, with a clear transformation from Daniel, adding layers to the narrative and setting up a strong emotional arc.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant transformation from Daniel, reflecting the passage of time and the impact of past experiences on the character's present self.

Internal Goal: 8

Delannie's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past as Daniel and come to terms with the changes in her identity and beliefs over the years. This reflects her deeper need for self-acceptance and understanding of her journey.

External Goal: 7

Delannie's external goal in this scene is to explore the abandoned church and potentially uncover secrets or closure from her past. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing her childhood memories and the unknown.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and atmospheric in this scene, setting up the emotional and mysterious conflicts that will drive the story forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Delannie's beliefs and motivations, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension as she navigates the abandoned church and confronts her past.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional and mysterious elements set up the potential for high stakes to come, drawing the audience into the unfolding story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up key elements of the story, introducing the character, the setting, and the central mystery, moving the narrative forward with intrigue and depth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the mysterious elements surrounding the abandoned church, Delannie's journey of self-discovery, and the philosophical conflict of faith and doubt. The audience is kept guessing about the revelations and resolutions to come.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of faith and doubt, as symbolized by the abandoned church and the spray-painted message questioning the presence of God. This challenges Delannie's beliefs and worldview, forcing her to confront her own spirituality and sense of purpose.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of melancholy and curiosity, drawing the audience into the character's emotional journey and the mysteries surrounding the abandoned church.

Dialogue: 7

While there is minimal dialogue in the scene, the sparse lines effectively convey the mood and atmosphere, adding to the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its atmospheric setting, introspective character moments, and the mystery surrounding Delannie's past. The blend of past and present timelines adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, transitioning smoothly between past and present timelines while allowing moments of introspection and discovery to unfold at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a transition from past to present, effectively setting up the character's internal and external goals. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations of a dramatic narrative.


Critique
  • The opening juxtaposition of the church's past and present is effective in establishing the theme of decay and loss of faith. However, the transition from the bright day to the dilapidated state could benefit from a more vivid description to enhance the emotional impact. Consider using sensory details to evoke the feelings associated with both time periods.
  • The character of Delannie is intriguing, but the transition from Daniel to Delannie could be more pronounced. The screenplay hints at a significant transformation, yet it doesn't fully explore the emotional weight of this change. Adding a brief internal monologue or a flash of memory could deepen the audience's understanding of her struggle with identity.
  • The phrase 'God is not here' is a powerful visual element, but it might be more impactful if it were introduced with a moment of reflection from Delannie. This could provide insight into her feelings about the church and her past, making the moment resonate more with the audience.
  • The use of time lapse is a strong visual choice, but it may be beneficial to clarify the passage of time. A more explicit indication of the years passing could help the audience grasp the extent of the church's deterioration and its symbolic significance in Delannie's life.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the transition from the past to the present could be smoother. Consider using a sound cue or a visual element that links the two time periods more seamlessly, enhancing the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the sensory details in the time lapse to evoke stronger emotions, such as describing the sounds of the church or the feelings of the parishioners as they enter.
  • Incorporate a brief internal monologue or flashback for Delannie that reflects on her past as Daniel, emphasizing her internal conflict and the significance of the church in her life.
  • Introduce Delannie's reaction to the spray-painted message with a moment of contemplation, allowing her to express her feelings about faith and abandonment.
  • Clarify the time passage in the time lapse by adding a visual cue, such as changing seasons or the gradual decay of the church's features, to emphasize the years that have gone by.
  • Consider using a sound cue, like a church bell tolling, to bridge the transition from the past to the present, creating a more cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 2 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. ST. SIMON’S CHURCH - NIGHT

Pale moonlight filters through the cracks in the ceiling,
casting a web of shadows across the worn pews. The hymn board
still displays the number 616, a haunting reminder of more
hopeful times.

AT CONFESSION BOX

DRUG USERS prepare their drugs. GEORGE, 64, wearing a tatty
army jacket sits amongst his fellow homeless friends. His eyes
drift to Delannie’s trainers, comparing shoe sizes with a
calculating look.

AT AISLE

Delannie grips a combat knife. She passes ANGELO, an immortal
angel, whose vessel is a 30-year-old male with long flowing
hair. He stands still like a statue, observing her with an
otherworldly calm. She saunters to the empty altar banging her
hand off every curved pew end, creating a haunting rhythm.

Church bells start ringing, getting louder.

FX: The church transforms into its former beautiful version.

BEGIN FLASHBACK – TEN YEARS AGO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Fantasy"]

Summary In the haunting atmosphere of St. Simon's Church at night, George, a homeless man, observes Delannie, a defiant young woman armed with a combat knife, as she creates a rhythmic sound by banging on the pews. Angelo, an immortal angel, watches her with calm detachment. As the church bells ring louder, the dilapidated church transforms into its former beauty, leading into a flashback from ten years ago, highlighting Delannie's inner turmoil and confrontation with her past.
Strengths
  • Strong atmosphere and tone
  • Intriguing characters like Delannie and Angelo
  • Effective use of flashback and transformation elements
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful and memorable
  • Some elements may require further development for clarity and depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a dark and mysterious tone, introduces intriguing elements like the immortal angel and the transformation of the church, and creates a sense of foreboding and melancholy. The flashback adds depth to the character's backstory and the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the character's past through a flashback in the context of a desolate church filled with mysterious and eerie elements is compelling. The scene effectively blends elements of drama, thriller, and fantasy to create a unique and engaging narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Delannie's return to the abandoned church, encountering various characters and experiencing a transformation of the church. The introduction of the flashback adds depth to the character and sets up intriguing possibilities for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of gritty realism and supernatural elements within a church setting, creating an original and intriguing atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Delannie and Angelo, are intriguing and well-defined. Delannie's journey back to the church and her interactions with the other characters showcase her complexity, while Angelo's mysterious presence adds a layer of mystique to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, confronting her past and the changes in the church. The introduction of Angelo hints at potential character growth and development in future scenes, setting up intriguing possibilities for change.

Internal Goal: 8

Delannie's internal goal in this scene seems to be a sense of empowerment and possibly revenge, as indicated by her gripping a combat knife and creating a haunting rhythm as she walks towards the altar. This reflects her deeper need for agency and control in a challenging environment.

External Goal: 7.5

Delannie's external goal appears to be to confront someone or something at the altar, possibly related to the church bells ringing and the transformation of the church.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Delannie grapples with her past and the changes in the church. The presence of the drug users and homeless individuals adds a layer of external conflict, but the focus is more on Delannie's personal journey.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Delannie's confrontation at the altar and the presence of an immortal angel creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and personal for Delannie, as she confronts her past and the changes in the church. The introduction of Angelo and the mysterious transformation of the church raise the stakes and hint at larger conflicts and challenges to come.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key elements of Delannie's past, introducing new characters like Angelo, and setting up potential conflicts and developments. The transformation of the church adds depth to the narrative and hints at future revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the presence of supernatural elements, the unexpected transformation of the church, and the mysterious actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the juxtaposition of faith and desperation, as seen through the presence of drug users in a church setting and the transformation of the church into its former beautiful version.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of melancholy, foreboding, and intrigue. Delannie's return to the church and the transformation of the setting create a sense of nostalgia and loss, while the introduction of Angelo adds a mysterious and emotional element.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the eerie and mysterious tone, with subtle interactions between the characters adding depth to their relationships. The dialogue between Delannie and Angelo hints at a deeper connection and sets up future intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, tension, and unique character dynamics. The transformation of the church and the presence of an immortal angel add layers of intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading up to the church bells ringing and the transformation of the church, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and understanding.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character actions, contributing to the overall atmosphere and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a haunting atmosphere that reflects Delannie's internal struggle. The use of pale moonlight and shadows creates a visual metaphor for her feelings of isolation and despair, which is compelling and aligns well with the overall tone of the script.
  • The contrast between the drug users and Delannie is stark and serves to highlight her alienation. However, the introduction of George as a calculating observer could be expanded to provide more depth to his character and his relationship with Delannie. This could enhance the tension and stakes in the scene.
  • Delannie's action of banging her hand on the pews is a strong visual choice that conveys her emotional turmoil. However, it might benefit from a clearer motivation or emotional context. Why is she doing this? Is it a form of self-punishment, a call for attention, or a way to reclaim her space? Providing a hint of her internal conflict could deepen the audience's connection to her character.
  • The transition into the flashback is visually striking, but it may feel abrupt to some viewers. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a sensory cue (like a specific sound or smell) that triggers the flashback, making the transition feel more organic.
  • The dialogue is absent in this scene, which is effective for building tension, but consider incorporating subtle sounds or whispers that could enhance the atmosphere and provide insight into Delannie's mental state. This could also serve to contrast the silence of the church with the chaos of her thoughts.
Suggestions
  • Expand on George's character by adding a line or two that hints at his backstory or his relationship with Delannie. This could create a more complex dynamic and raise the stakes for Delannie’s actions.
  • Clarify Delannie’s motivation for banging on the pews. A brief internal thought or flash of memory could provide context for her actions and make them resonate more with the audience.
  • Consider adding a sensory detail that triggers the flashback, such as the sound of a hymn or the smell of incense, to create a smoother transition and enhance the emotional impact.
  • Incorporate subtle background sounds or whispers that reflect Delannie’s inner turmoil, which could add layers to the scene and provide a contrast to the silence of the church.
  • Ensure that the transformation of the church into its former glory is visually distinct and impactful. Consider using specific imagery or colors that evoke nostalgia and hope, contrasting sharply with the current decay.



Scene 3 -  A Moment of Faith
INT. ST. SIMON’S CHURCH – DAY

Sunlight streams through the stained-glass windows, bathing
the altar and pews in warm, golden hues. The church bells
welcome people to church. The church is resplendent, filled
with light and worshippers. Hymn numbers 333, 777, and 369 are
displayed prominently.
2


Daniel wearing a white alb, solemnly carries a crucifix in
front of the Priest and Deacon as they walk to the altar.

Daniel kneels with a straight back before the altar, a picture
of innocence and faith. He squints his eyes to block out the
harsh sunlight bouncing through the stained-glass window above
the altar. He focuses on the Hymn number 333.

FX: The beautiful church transforms into a dilapidated one.
The bells and congregational chatter fall silent.

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO THE PRESENT DAY
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary In St. Simon's Church, sunlight filters through stained-glass windows as Daniel, dressed in a white alb, carries a crucifix before the Priest and Deacon. He kneels at the altar, embodying innocence and faith, but is momentarily distracted by the bright light. As he attempts to focus on Hymn number 333, the scene shifts to a flashback, transforming the church into a dilapidated state, contrasting the warmth of the present with a haunting past.
Strengths
  • Strong visual storytelling
  • Effective use of symbolism
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets the tone and atmosphere through its visuals and sound design. The transition between past and present is skillfully executed, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using the church as a symbol of faith and transformation is compelling. The scene effectively explores themes of loss, redemption, and the passage of time.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the character's exploration of the church and the revelation of their past. The scene adds depth to the character and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique blend of spiritual and visual imagery, contrasting the idealized church setting with its aging reality. The authenticity of Daniel's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing, especially Delannie and Angelo, who represent different aspects of the supernatural and human experience. Their interactions add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant transformation from the innocent child to the troubled young adult, reflecting the passage of time and the impact of their experiences.

Internal Goal: 8

Daniel's internal goal in this scene is to demonstrate his innocence and faith through his actions and demeanor. This reflects his deeper need for spiritual connection and validation of his beliefs.

External Goal: 7

Daniel's external goal is to fulfill his role in the church ceremony and carry out his duties as a server. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenges he faces in maintaining his composure and focus.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying conflict between Delannie's past and present self, as well as the contrast between the decay of the church and its former glory.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the contrast between the idealized church setting and its aging reality, challenging Daniel's beliefs and perceptions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Delannie, as they confront their past and grapple with their identity and faith.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Delannie's past and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on Daniel's internal and external goals within a church setting, but the flashback adds a layer of unpredictability by shifting the tone and atmosphere.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the contrast between the idealized image of the church and the reality of its aging and deterioration. This challenges Daniel's beliefs in the purity and sanctity of the church environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its visuals, music, and the character's journey of self-discovery and redemption.

Dialogue: 7

While there is minimal dialogue, the silence and visual storytelling effectively convey the emotions and themes of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its blend of spiritual themes, character introspection, and visual imagery that draw the reader into the emotional and atmospheric setting.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, transitioning smoothly between the present and flashback sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay set in a church, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a religious ceremony setting, with a clear progression of events and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the contrast between innocence and decay, which is a central theme of the screenplay. The imagery of sunlight streaming through stained-glass windows juxtaposed with the eventual transformation into a dilapidated state is powerful and visually striking.
  • However, the transition from the vibrant church scene to the flashback could be more impactful. The abruptness of the shift may leave the audience disoriented. Consider adding a more gradual transition or a specific trigger that leads Daniel's distraction to the flashback, enhancing the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The use of hymn numbers is an interesting detail, but it may benefit from a brief mention of the significance of Hymn 333 to Daniel or the congregation. This could deepen the audience's connection to the character's experience and the themes of faith and community.
  • Daniel's moment of distraction from the sunlight is a relatable human experience, but it could be expanded to show more of his internal conflict. Perhaps a fleeting thought or memory could accompany his squinting, hinting at the struggles he will face later in life.
  • The scene lacks dialogue, which is appropriate for the tone, but consider incorporating subtle sounds or whispers from the congregation that could enhance the atmosphere and provide a sense of community, making the eventual silence more poignant.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a visual or auditory cue that foreshadows the transition to the dilapidated state, such as a sudden change in the lighting or a distant sound that disrupts the harmony of the church.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or a visual flash of Daniel's thoughts as he squints against the sunlight, which could provide insight into his character and foreshadow his future struggles.
  • Consider including a moment where Daniel interacts with another worshipper or the Priest, even if it's just a glance or a nod, to emphasize the community aspect of the church and contrast it with Delannie's isolation in the present.
  • Explore the possibility of using the hymn's lyrics or themes to reflect Daniel's internal state, perhaps hinting at the challenges he will face as he grows older.
  • Ensure that the transition into the flashback is smooth and emotionally resonant, possibly by using a visual motif or sound that connects the two timelines, reinforcing the theme of memory and loss.



Scene 4 -  A Prayer in the Shadows
INT. CHURCH – CONT’D

Hymn number 333 has changed to 221. Delannie kneels before the
dilapidated altar, pale moonlight filtering through the
shattered stained-glass windows. This dim, fragmented light
reflects her inner turmoil, doubt, and sense of brokenness as
she questions her faith and identity. She genuflects and sits
on a part of a pew with no splinters.

DELANNIE
(sotto voce)
Hey God, you there? I could really
use a hug right now.

Silently, Angelo moves and kneels beside her, his presence
gentle but firm.

ANGELO
(sitting down)
Can I sit with you?

Startled, Delannie flinches, her eyes darting towards the
confession box.

DELANNIE
Seriously? Your friends are back
there.

She slides further down the pew, resuming her prayer. Angelo
watches her intently, undeterred.

ANGELO
I’m sorry. Let’s start again. My
name is Angelo.

Delannie looks up, a mix of disbelief and curiosity in her
eyes. Angelo points to a stained-glass window above the altar
of “The Sacrifice of Issac by Abraham.” The angel is depicted
3


with his wings spread out, and a halo above his head.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Abraham pushed me away when I told
him to sacrifice his son, Isaac.

DELANNIE
Old Testament Abraham? How high are
you?

ANGELO
About six feet.

Angelo leans closer to Delannie, his voice soothing yet
powerful.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Do you believe in God?

DELANNIE
Do you?

ANGELO
I have to. I was Jesus’s bodyguard.
God has been hearing your prayers.
He sent me to help you.

Angelo turns to his right to face Delannie, establishing eye
contact.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Ask me anything.

DELANNIE
OK, here’s a question. I want a
hug. But look. Jesus is nailed to
the cross. So, no hug for me. Some
bodyguard you turned out to be.

ANGELO
Jesus chose to suffer… and die… so
you could live the life YOU choose.

Delannie’s expression softens slightly, but she remains
guarded.
DELANNIE
I may not have nails in my hand,
but trust me, I’m dying inside.
4


ANGELO
God wants you to live your best
life.

DELANNIE
I’m struggling here, and you’re
giving me cheesy one-liners from
church billboards. I’ve seen them
all. Jesus died for your sins.
Carpenter needs joiners. The Bible
is vague about people like me.

ANGELO
"Male or female, He loves them the
same."

DELANNIE
God, it’s me Delannie. Are you
there?

Delannie kicks the pew in frustration, the sound echoing
around the church.

BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE – 6 MONTHS AGO.

INT. CHURCH – NIGHT

Delannie kneels at the altar and applies some eyeliner.

DELANNIE
God, are you there?

A tear runs down Delannie’s cheek. Angelo sits in the shadows.

END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Genres: ["Drama","Spiritual","Fantasy"]

Summary In a dilapidated church illuminated by moonlight, Delannie kneels at an altar, grappling with her doubts and seeking comfort from God. She encounters Angelo, a mysterious figure claiming to be sent by God to help her. Their conversation delves into faith, suffering, and God's love, revealing Delannie's skepticism and ongoing turmoil. A flashback highlights her previous attempts to connect with the divine, underscoring her internal struggle with faith and identity. The scene captures a blend of despair and hope as Delannie wrestles with her pain while Angelo offers reassurance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Reliance on internal monologue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the characters, the conflict within Delannie, and the mysterious presence of Angelo. The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, delving into complex themes of faith and self-acceptance.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring faith, identity, and self-discovery within the confines of a dilapidated church is intriguing and well-executed. The introduction of the immortal angel character adds a mystical element that enhances the thematic depth of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses more on character development and thematic exploration rather than traditional plot advancement. The internal conflicts and revelations experienced by Delannie drive the narrative forward in a compelling way.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to exploring themes of faith, doubt, and personal identity within a religious setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, offering a unique perspective on spiritual exploration.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Delannie and Angelo are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotional depth, adding richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant internal transformation throughout the scene, grappling with her faith, identity, and inner turmoil. The interaction with Angelo prompts introspection and self-discovery, leading to a subtle but impactful character change.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and understanding in her relationship with God, as she grapples with doubt and a sense of brokenness. This reflects her deeper need for spiritual guidance and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to seek comfort and connection with a higher power, represented by her interaction with Angelo. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of finding faith and support in a moment of vulnerability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Delannie's struggle with faith, identity, and self-acceptance. The tension arises from her inner turmoil and the existential questions she grapples with.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, as Delannie grapples with her doubts and Angelo challenges her beliefs. The uncertainty of their interaction adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily internal, revolving around Delannie's faith, identity, and self-acceptance. The emotional weight of her struggles and the existential questions she faces heighten the stakes and create a sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and thematic exploration than plot progression, it moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Delannie's internal struggles and the mystical elements at play.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' dialogue and revelations about their beliefs and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes as the scene unfolds, revealing layers of complexity and emotional depth.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with traditional religious beliefs and the need for personal validation and understanding. This challenges her worldview and values, as she questions the relevance of religious teachings to her own experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, delving into themes of doubt, yearning, and self-discovery. The poignant interactions between the characters and the haunting setting contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful and thought-provoking, delving into deep existential questions and emotional struggles. It effectively conveys the inner turmoil and conflict experienced by the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic exploration. The dialogue and interactions between Delannie and Angelo draw the audience into their internal struggles and spiritual journey, creating a sense of empathy and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection and dialogue with action and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene enhances the tension and engagement, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear establishment of setting, character dynamics, and thematic conflict. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's internal and external struggles.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Delannie's inner turmoil and skepticism towards faith, which is crucial for character development. The dialogue between Delannie and Angelo is engaging and highlights the contrast between her struggles and his calm demeanor. However, the humor in Angelo's responses, such as 'About six feet,' feels slightly out of place given the somber context. This could undermine the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The use of the stained-glass window as a visual metaphor is strong, but it could be enhanced by providing more context about its significance to Delannie. Why does she react to it? What memories or feelings does it evoke? This would deepen the audience's understanding of her character and her relationship with faith.
  • The transition into the flashback sequence is effective, but the flashback itself could benefit from a clearer connection to the present moment. The audience might appreciate a more explicit link between Delannie's current plea for a hug and her past experience of seeking God's presence. This would reinforce the theme of her ongoing struggle with faith.
  • Delannie's dialogue is authentic and relatable, but some lines, like 'the Bible is vague about people like me,' could be more specific to enhance emotional resonance. What exactly does she feel the Bible lacks? This specificity could make her frustration more palpable and relatable to the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but consider varying the rhythm of the dialogue to build tension. For instance, after Delannie expresses her frustration, a moment of silence could amplify her emotional state before Angelo responds. This would create a more dynamic exchange and heighten the stakes of their conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining Angelo's humor to ensure it aligns with the scene's emotional tone. Humor can be effective, but it should not detract from the gravity of Delannie's situation.
  • Add a brief moment where Delannie reflects on the stained-glass window, perhaps recalling a memory associated with it. This would deepen her character and provide insight into her relationship with faith.
  • Strengthen the connection between the present and the flashback by explicitly linking Delannie's current feelings to her past experiences. This could be achieved through a line of dialogue or a visual cue that ties the two moments together.
  • Make Delannie's frustrations more specific to enhance emotional impact. Consider adding a line that articulates her feelings about her identity in relation to biblical teachings.
  • Incorporate pauses or silences in the dialogue to create tension and allow the audience to absorb Delannie's emotional state. This can enhance the dramatic effect of the scene.



Scene 5 -  Fractured Faith
INT. CHURCH – CONT’D

Delannie wipes a tear from her cheek.

DELANNIE
Stop right there! That’s the worst
thing you could say. What about in
between? What about changing from
one to another? People attack us
with that quote!!
5


ANGELO
Oh God. I’m so sorry. Some humans
use the Old Testament to justify
their hate. That’s not what that
quote means. Did you know that
Rabbinical scholars talked of six
other genders beyond the
binary? God loves everyone He
creates.

DELANNIE
Yeah, well, I’m off. Enjoy your
drugs.

Delannie stands up, but Angelo reaches out gently.
ANGELO (O.C)
Don't go yet, Delannie.

Angelo chases after her. Delannie turns back towards Angelo
and grips her knife.
DELANNIE
Move out of my way. NOW!

Angelo takes a step to the side, watching her intently as she
strides confidently towards the door.
DELANNIE (CONT’D)
When God created me, He was wrong.
Do you hear that God? You messed up
big time.

Angelo retreats backward.

Delannie pushes the tip of her knife into the palm of her
hand. Blood trickles down the blade and drips onto the altar.
Angelo’s eyes widen with concern.

ANGELO
Aqedah.

DELANNIE
I’ve no idea what that means.

ANGELO
You’ll find out.

Delannie looks at Angelo, searching for answers in his calm
demeanor. She walks back to the pews, Angelo a few steps
behind.
6


AT PEWS

ANGELO (O.C) (CONT’D)
"I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made. I
know that full well." Appropriate?

DELANNIE
I don’t know why I’m still
listening to you.

ANGELO
Give me two minutes. Please.

Angelo gives Delanie a hanky. Their hands touch briefly. Her
hand trembles as she takes it, feeling an unfamiliar comfort.
Angelo gestures for Delannie to sit next to him.


George, zipping up his army jacket, sidles up next to
Delannie. She quickly thrusts the bloody knife in his face,
her eyes fierce.

DELANNIE
Do you mind? This is a private
conversation.

Unfazed, George brushes past Angelo, who watches with a calm,
knowing gaze.

ANGELO
The Samaritan woman at the well.

Delannie gestures impatiently for Angelo to move further away.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
She was like you. She needed
someone to talk to.

DELANNIE
OK, I’ll bite. Have you talked to
Jesus today?

ANGELO
Yes, I’m an angel. I’ve told him
all about you already. Last night,
I hugged him in the garden of
Gethsemane.
7



DELANNIE
That’s right, you’re Angelo the
“angel.” Angels' name end in iel,
like Brakkiel or Zadkiel.

ANGELO
Zadkiel is one of my brothers. Now
do you believe me? I’d show you my
harp but it’s away getting
restrung.

DELANNIE
I’m so not in the mood for jokes.

ANGELO
That was inappropriate. Sorry.
You’ve got questions, I’ve got
time.

Delannie’s phone rings, shattering the tension.

ON PHONE SCREEN: “Noel calling” with a photo of Noel.

BEGIN FLASHBACK – 5 YEARS AGO
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary In a tense church setting, Delannie confronts Angelo over his interpretation of a biblical quote, feeling attacked and expressing her anger towards God. Despite her emotional turmoil, which escalates to her threatening him with a knife, Angelo remains calm and supportive, drawing parallels to the Samaritan woman to encourage her to open up. A moment of connection occurs when Delannie accepts a handkerchief from him, symbolizing a fragile bond amidst her pain. The scene is interrupted by George, but Delannie fiercely defends her space, leading to a phone call that triggers a flashback to a pivotal moment from five years ago.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Exploration of faith and identity
Weaknesses
  • Potential for dialogue to become overly didactic
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into complex themes of faith, self-worth, and acceptance through intense dialogue and character interactions. The blend of supernatural and human elements adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring faith, doubt, and self-acceptance through the lens of supernatural intervention is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively weaves together these elements to create a rich narrative tapestry.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interaction between Delannie and Angelo, revealing layers of character depth and thematic exploration. The scene adds depth to the overall story arc by delving into Delannie's internal struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on religious texts, gender identity, and self-acceptance, offering a unique take on familiar themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and thought-provoking.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Delannie and Angelo are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction drives the scene forward and adds depth to the exploration of faith and identity.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, grappling with her doubts and confronting her beliefs. This character development adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further exploration.

Internal Goal: 8

Delannie's internal goal in this scene is to assert her identity and beliefs, despite feeling misunderstood and judged. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and validation of her self-worth.

External Goal: 7.5

Delannie's external goal is to leave the church and distance herself from Angelo's perspective. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting conflicting beliefs and emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Delannie's doubt and Angelo's reassurance creates tension and emotional depth in the scene. The clash of beliefs and perspectives drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Delannie and Angelo facing conflicting beliefs and emotions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of Delannie's crisis of faith and self-acceptance. The outcome of her internal struggle and interaction with Angelo could have significant consequences for her character arc.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Delannie's internal struggles and her interaction with Angelo. It deepens the thematic exploration and sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around interpretations of religious texts, gender identity, and self-acceptance. Delannie challenges traditional beliefs, while Angelo tries to offer a different perspective rooted in love and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its exploration of faith, doubt, and self-acceptance. The characters' struggles and revelations resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is intense and thought-provoking, reflecting the inner turmoil and conflict within the characters. It effectively conveys the themes of faith, doubt, and self-discovery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, philosophical conflict, and character dynamics. The tension and dialogue keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of dialogue and character movements enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. It is well-paced and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and progression of conflict. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Delannie and Angelo, showcasing Delannie's internal struggle and her feelings of rejection from God. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. While Delannie's anger is palpable, exploring her vulnerability beneath that anger could deepen the emotional impact.
  • Angelo's character serves as a calming presence, but his responses sometimes feel overly expository. Instead of directly stating facts about gender and biblical interpretations, consider weaving these ideas into the dialogue more subtly, allowing the audience to infer rather than being told outright.
  • The use of the knife as a symbol of Delannie's pain and anger is powerful, but the moment where she pushes the knife into her palm could be more visceral. Consider adding sensory details to enhance the impact of this action, such as the sound of the blade against her skin or the immediate reaction of her body to the pain.
  • The introduction of George adds an interesting dynamic, but his role could be clarified. Is he a threat, a bystander, or a potential ally? His motivations and relationship with Delannie could be more explicitly defined to enhance the tension in this moment.
  • The transition to the flashback feels abrupt. While the phone ringing serves as a narrative device, consider building up to this moment more gradually. Perhaps Delannie could have a moment of hesitation or reflection before answering the call, which would heighten the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Add layers to Delannie's dialogue by incorporating more emotional nuance. For example, instead of outright rejecting Angelo's words, she could express confusion or a flicker of hope, which would make her character more relatable.
  • Consider revising Angelo's dialogue to include more metaphorical language or personal anecdotes that illustrate his points about faith and acceptance, rather than relying on factual statements. This could create a more engaging and dynamic conversation.
  • Enhance the sensory experience during the knife scene. Describe the sound of the blade cutting into her skin, the warmth of the blood, and Delannie's physical reaction to the pain to create a more immersive moment.
  • Clarify George's intentions and relationship with Delannie. Perhaps include a line that hints at his past interactions with her or his motivations for being there, which would add depth to his character and the scene's tension.
  • To improve the transition to the flashback, consider having Delannie pause and reflect on her current situation before answering the phone. This could create a more seamless connection between her present struggles and her past experiences.



Scene 6 -  A Candle in the Dark
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Delannie’s father, NOEL, dressed casually, stands in the
doorway with a beer in hand. The cozy room is decorated for
Christmas, with a faint glow from the lights on a tree.
Teenage Daniel (14), still presenting as male, sits on the
couch, nervously holding a wrapped gift.

DANIEL
Dad, I got this for you. Thought
you’d like it.

NOEL
Is this more nonsense, self-help
mumbo jumbo?

DANIEL
It’s not just any book. It’s
about….understanding people, you
know, who are different.

Noel raises an eyebrow, tearing the wrapping paper carelessly.
He glances at the title: “Living Authentically: Embracing Your
True Self.”
8


DANIEL (CONT’D)
I thought it might help you
understand me better.

Noel freezes for a moment, then bursts into a short, derisive
laugh.

NOEL
Understand you better? You’re
fourteen, Danny. You barely know
yourself. What am I supposed to do
with this?

DANIEL
I just… thought you’d want to know
me.

Noel tosses the book onto the coffee table. The sound of
Noel’s heavy footsteps fades, leaving Daniel alone on the
couch, staring at the crumpled wrapping paper and the unopened
book. He runs his hand on the couch where Noel should be.

END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

AT PEWS

Delannie runs her hand where Noel should be sitting. She puts
the phone on loudspeaker.

DELANNIE
Hey there, Noel.

NOEL (O.C)
Hi, Delannie.

DELANNIE
Wow. You called me by the right
name. Mark this day in the diary.

NOEL (O.C)
A new start? I don’t want to fight.

DELANNIE
Did you win the case?
NOEL (O.C)
Of course. Who do you think your
old man is? I'll pick us up some
dinner. Kung Po chicken from the
Ruby Inn?
9


NOEL (O.C)
Where are you?

DELANNIE
(looking around)
I’m just heading back from uni.

NOEL (O.C)
Did you make any new friends today?

DELANNIE
There was this one girl who seemed
nice. We’re in the same class so
I’ll try to say hi to her tomorrow.

NOEL (O.C)
That’s my girl. Fancy a film later?
Your pick.

George looms over her, his eyes fixated on her shoes. Delannie
notices him and stiffens.

DELANNIE
Could do.

Delannie sits in the second pew from the front.

NOEL (O.C)
I love you, Delannie.

DELANNIE
Love you too, Dad.

Delannie lights a candle illuminating the broken crucifix on
the wall.

FX: The crucifix on the wall transforms into its beautiful
older self.

BEGIN FLASHBACK – DAY

Dozens of candles are now lit. Delannie, dressed in black,
sits in the 2nd pew from the front and watches a coffin being
placed next to the altar. Her dad puts his arms around her,
and she slumps her head in her hands. Angelo sits on the pew
behind her.

END FLASHBACK – PRESENT DAY

FX: The candles blow out causing the church to transform into
its darker recent self.
10



Hesitantly, she takes a funeral order of service out of her
bag.

ORDER OF SERVICE: CLAIRE TAYLOR… St. Simon’s Church… 2022

GEORGE
I like your shoes. I was thinking I
could take them off your hands,
well, your feet to be exact. And
your phone.

Delannie shuffles away from him into a shaft of natural
light, her grip on the knife tightening.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Are you a boy dressed up as a girl?

DELANNIE
NO! I'm a girl dressed as a girl.

George TUTS dismissively and makes the sign of the cross.
Delannie stands toe to toe with George.

GEORGE
Your shoes and phone. Hand them
over. I won’t ask you again.

George brandishes a massive knife, its blade glinting
ominously. Angelo sighs deeply. A brilliant white light
floods the space as Angelo spreads his majestic, angelic
wings. A brilliant white light floods the space as Angelo
spreads his majestic, angelic wings... The church, now bathed
in celestial light, seems less foreboding. George recoils in
terror, dropping his knife.

ANGELO
That’s the first time since forever
that I’ve interfered and revealed my
true identity. That’s it, I’m going
to hell.

Delannie, still clutching her knife, looks at Angelo, her face
a mixture of awe and confusion.

DELANNIE
You’re an angel?
11



ANGELO
Maybe hell is a slight exaggeration,
but the demons can find me now.
That’s the one rule that should
never be broken. Maybe no one in the
Silver City noticed.

DELANNIE
I’ve never seen anything as
beautiful as that before.

ANGELO
And you are wonderfully made,
Delannie. Never forget that.

Delannie, tears welling up, nods slowly. The church, now
bathed in celestial light, seems less foreboding, a glimmer of
hope piercing through the darkness.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Look at the window over there. Each
piece is jagged and sharp on its
own, but when arranged in the
light, they form something
beautiful. That’s what God sees in
us, even in the brokenness.”

Delannie kneels at the altar and Angelo sits on the pew.
As she turns round.

FX: The two Angelos merge together, the present with the
Angelo from the previous scenes.

Angelo places his hands near Delannie’s head. He waits for her
approval to lay them on her. She nods, granting permission.
Her whole body trembles as a kaleidoscopic wave of light
emanates from Angelo’s touch. When he removes his hands,
Delannie’s hand has stopped bleeding.

ANGELO
We all go through changes.

DELANNIE
I saw a cartoon where an ugly
duckling goes to a doctor and tells
her she doesn't feel right. Do you
know what the doctor tells the
duckling?
12


ANGELO
What?
DELANNIE
You’re not ugly. You’ll not be a
duckling all your life. One day you
will be a beautiful swan. Then the
duckling's life started to make
sense.

ANGELO
It's what's on the inside that
counts. Always has been. "People
look at the outward appearance. But
the Lord looks at the heart." It’s
in your scroll.

DELANNIE
My scroll? What do you mean?

ANGELO
You are a messenger of the Lord.
Read the scroll and speak the words
to your generation.

DELANNIE
No one would listen to me.

ANGELO
Why? Because you’re trans? Society
will just have to catch up.

DELANNIE
Hang on. I’m going to be a
messenger. I can predict the
future, yeah? I’m going to buy a
Lotto ticket right now.

ANGELO
I hate to burst your bubble, but
no. Messengers teach the truth and
interpret the word of God.

DELANNIE
The word of God. What does that
mean? The Bible?

ANGELO
No, in the beginning, was the word
and Jesus was the word.
13


DELANNIE
Jesus was there at the beginning of
time and made the world.

ANGELO
It will all come naturally to you.

Angelo reaches into his robe and presents a scroll to
Delannie.
DELANNIE
This looks old. What is it?

ANGELO
The Gospel of Simon.
DELANNIE
There are only four gospels.

ANGELO
In the Bible, but many were
written.

Delannie carefully opens the scroll revealing unfamiliar
writings.

DELANNIE
If I do decide to be a messenger,
and that’s a massive if, I'm not
becoming celibate.

ANGELO
You’ll always have free will.
DELANNIE
Truth?

ANGELO
Yeah. Angels can’t lie, well, apart
from Lucifer. I never did like him.

DELANNIE
I’d ask if being a messenger comes
with a salary but I guess you’d
say: “My reward is great in
heaven.”

ANGELO
I haven’t had a chat like this in a
long, long time. Reminds me of the
good old days.

Angelo shudders.
14


ANGELO (CONT’D)
Two envoys from the Roman Curia,
Vatican fixers, are on their way.
They want to destroy your scroll.

Angelo jumps up, urgency in his movements. Delannie jumps up
after him.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Delannie, you just prayed to God
asking Him to tell you that
everything is going to be OK.
Everything is going to be OK.
Messenger of the Lord. Yes, or no?

Angelo raises his wings, and a brilliant white light
illuminates the stained-glass window of the Sacrifice of Isaac
above the altar.

STAINED GLASS WINDOW – Left side: Angelo grips Abraham’s hand,
preventing him from bringing down the fateful blow.

Angelo guides Delannie’s hand over the scroll. She resists at
first, then allows her finger to move over the text.

DELANNIE
E. N. En. T. A. E. Tae. En tae.

The massive wooden doors creak shut behind Angelo and Delannie
as footsteps echo in the dimly lit church. Shadows shift
across the walls as four Vatican FIXERS emerge: two slipping
through the back pews, and two others flanking from the side
aisles. In the center aisle, FR. GABRIEL, 44, strides forward,
his eyes fixed on Angelo.

FR. GABRIEL
(extending a hand)
I’ll take that now.

With a swift motion, two Fixers seize Angelo’s arms, their
grips like iron. Another clamps onto Delannie, who struggles
as George, keeping low, edges away in the chaos.

DELANNIE
That’s not yours!

FR. GABRIEL
And it certainly isn’t yours, young
man.
15


Angelo catches Delannie's eye, subtly signalling her to stay
calm, though tension lines his face.

FR. GABRIEL (CONT’D)
It’s lighter than I thought….
Speaking of which.

He reaches into his pocket, producing an old silver Zippo
lighter, flicking it open.

The lighter sputters in his hand, casting fleeting sparks that
reflect in his steely gaze.

DELANNIE
Angelo, show them your wings.

Angelo tries to pop out his wings, but nothing happens.

The Fixers cluster protectively around Fr. Gabriel, leaning in
over the Gospel, curious but wary. Fr. Gabriel flips open a
page, his brow furrowing.

FR. GABRIEL
What does this part say? Huh. They
never told me the Gospel had
this….interpretation.

Angelo’s eyes narrow, his calm now laced with defiance.

ANGELO
Good huh? Bad huh?

FR. GABRIEL
It doesn’t matter. I’ve got my
orders.

Finally, the Zippo catches. Flames leap to life, casting a
sinister glow as he lowers it to the corner of the Gospel. The
ancient pages begin to smolder, the scent of burning parchment
thick in the air.

Before the flames can spread, George and five of his homeless
comrades spring into action, surging from the shadows and
crashing into the Fixers. Angelo stomps on the flaming Gospel,
extinguishing the embers. Fr. Gabriel stumbles back, shock and
anger flickering across his face.

Amid the struggle, Delannie drops to her knees before the
altar, her voice a fierce whisper.
16


DELANNIE
Aqedah.

Delannie looks up and catches the eyes of Abraham from the
“Sacrifice of Isaac” stained glass window.

STAINED GLASS WINDOW – BOTTOM PART: Abraham is kneeling on his
knees in the same way Delannie is.

George kneels beside her, his head bowed in solidarity, while
Georges’s allies overpower the stunned Vatican Fixers, pinning
them against the cold stone floor. The church, once still, is
now alive with defiance and the murmur of whispered prayers.

DELANNIE (V.O)
Look at the person beside you. We
are all songs, and daughters, of
God.

Delannie takes off her shoes and gives them to George, her
face serene with a newfound purpose. She applies her makeup.

DELANNIE (CONT’D)
God, say hello to the real Delannie.

As Delannie kneels at the altar, the faint sound of church
bells begins to echo. The front door opens, and white light
illuminates the vestibule. Two white doves fly around the
roof. White celestial light illuminates text on a stained
glass window showing Jesus comforting the Samaritan woman.

“Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.”

Within the light, faint outlines of two doves can be seen,
ethereal and luminous, flying toward a vivid sunrise.

The imagery intensifies as the doves break through the glass.

Angelo opens the left door for Delannie to walk through. She
stops, opens the right door, and walks through it.

ANGELO (V.O)
You are wonderfully made.
Genres: ["Drama","Spiritual","Fantasy"]

Summary In a church, Delannie reflects on her strained relationship with her father, Noel, through a phone call while recalling a painful memory. The atmosphere shifts when she is confronted by George, who threatens her for her belongings. Just as the situation escalates, Angelo appears, providing comfort and guidance. The scene culminates in a chaotic struggle against the Vatican Fixers, led by Fr. Gabriel, who seek to destroy a scroll Delannie possesses. Ultimately, Delannie finds her strength and purpose, symbolized by her emergence from the church.
Strengths
  • Rich thematic exploration
  • Complex character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Innovative use of spiritual elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Pacing could be tightened in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is rich in emotional depth, character development, and thematic exploration. It effectively combines elements of drama, spirituality, and fantasy to create a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of a messenger grappling with identity, faith, and divine intervention is intriguing and well-developed. The introduction of the Gospel of Simon adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a strong focus on character growth and spiritual revelation. The conflict resolution is powerful and satisfying.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a fresh approach to themes of acceptance, identity, and spirituality, blending mystical elements with a contemporary narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are complex and undergo significant development, especially Delannie and Angelo. Their interactions are compelling and drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Delannie undergoes significant growth, embracing her identity and divine purpose. Angelo also experiences a shift in revealing his true nature. These changes are pivotal to the scene's impact.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to be understood and accepted by her father, as seen through her gift of a book about understanding people who are different. This reflects her deeper need for validation and connection with her father.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to protect the scroll and prevent it from being destroyed by the Vatican fixers. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and her role as a messenger of the Lord.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict is intense and multifaceted, involving internal struggles, divine intervention, and external threats. It drives the narrative forward and resolves in a powerful climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Vatican fixers posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals and the angelic character providing unexpected support. The audience is kept on edge as the conflict unfolds.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Delannie faces threats to her identity, faith, and divine calling. The resolution of the conflict has significant consequences for the characters and the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving key conflicts, introducing new elements, and deepening character arcs. It sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected intervention of the angelic character, the clash with the Vatican fixers, and the mystical elements that add a sense of mystery and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional religious beliefs represented by the Vatican fixers and the protagonist's more inclusive and accepting worldview. This challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs as she navigates her role as a messenger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes strong emotions of hope, empowerment, and reflection. The character interactions and thematic depth contribute to a highly emotional experience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is meaningful and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' inner struggles and the scene's thematic depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, mystical elements, and the protagonist's journey of self-discovery and acceptance. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and introspective moments that maintain momentum and build tension effectively. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of flashback sequences is effectively indicated in the script.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene is well-paced and effectively transitions between different settings and time periods, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The flashback sequences and present-day events are seamlessly integrated.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Delannie's past and present, showcasing her emotional turmoil and the strained relationship with her father, Noel. However, the transition between the flashback and present-day dialogue could be smoother. The abrupt shift might confuse the audience, so consider adding a visual or auditory cue that signals the transition more clearly.
  • The dialogue between Delannie and Noel is engaging and reveals their complex relationship. However, Noel's character could benefit from more depth. His dismissive attitude towards Daniel's gift feels one-dimensional. Adding a line or two that hints at his own struggles or insecurities could make him more relatable and provide a richer context for his behavior.
  • The introduction of George as a threatening figure is effective, but his motivations and background are not fully explored. Providing a brief moment that hints at his backstory or why he is in the church could enhance the tension and make his confrontation with Delannie more impactful.
  • The use of visual effects, such as the transformation of the crucifix and the lighting changes, is a strong element in this scene. However, ensure that these effects serve the narrative and character development rather than distract from it. The audience should feel the emotional weight of these moments rather than just see them as visual spectacles.
  • Delannie's internal conflict is palpable, but her emotional journey could be more pronounced. Consider incorporating more physical reactions or internal monologue that reflects her feelings as she interacts with both Noel and George. This would deepen the audience's connection to her character and enhance the stakes of the scene.
Suggestions
  • To improve the transition between the flashback and present, consider using a sound cue, such as a church bell tolling, that links the two moments. This can create a more seamless flow and enhance the emotional resonance.
  • Add a line or two to Noel's dialogue that hints at his own struggles or past experiences. This could provide context for his dismissive behavior and make him a more complex character.
  • Explore George's character further by including a brief moment that reveals his motivations or backstory. This could be a line of dialogue or a visual cue that hints at his past, making his confrontation with Delannie more compelling.
  • Ensure that the visual effects, like the transformation of the crucifix, are grounded in the emotional context of the scene. Consider how these effects can enhance Delannie's emotional journey rather than overshadow it.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions or internal thoughts from Delannie during her interactions with Noel and George. This will help convey her emotional state and deepen the audience's investment in her character.



Scene 7 -  A Blossoming Protection
EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Dark. Wet. The doves soar into the sky, carrying shimmering
light particles that gradually morph into falling cherry
blossoms.
17


ANGELO (V.O)
The same hands that shaped the
stars shaped you, with purpose and
love.

HOMELESS MEN peer at Delannie and for a second, she is
surrounded with no escape. Then George and three other men
provide suitable security to allow Delannie to continue
walking undisturbed.
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary In a dark, wet alley at night, Delannie feels threatened as she is momentarily surrounded by homeless men. However, George and three other men intervene, providing her with security and allowing her to continue her walk undisturbed. Angelo's voiceover reflects on Delannie's worth, emphasizing her intrinsic value and purpose, while the scene is visually enhanced by doves taking flight and transforming into cherry blossoms, creating a surreal and hopeful atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Effective use of atmosphere and setting
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Intriguing blend of supernatural and real-world elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the multiple timelines and supernatural elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively creates a mysterious and intense atmosphere, blending elements of drama and fantasy. The transitions between past and present add depth to the narrative, while the presence of supernatural beings adds intrigue and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending faith, doubt, and supernatural intervention in a dark and atmospheric setting is compelling and well-executed. The scene explores complex themes with depth and nuance.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the introduction of conflict and the revelation of supernatural elements driving the narrative forward. The scene effectively sets up future developments and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the imagery of doves and cherry blossoms in a dark alley, as well as the contrast between vulnerability and protection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with Delannie's internal conflict and the mysterious nature of Angelo adding depth to the story. The interactions between characters are compelling and reveal layers of complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with doubt, anger, and acceptance. The introduction of Angelo and the confrontation with George prompt internal reflection and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Delannie's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a potentially dangerous situation and find a sense of security. This reflects her deeper need for safety and protection in a world that seems hostile.

External Goal: 7

Delannie's external goal is to continue walking undisturbed and reach her destination safely. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the alley.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains a moderate level of conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The presence of supernatural beings and the threat of the Vatican Fixers raise the stakes and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Delannie facing threats from both external forces like the Vatican Fixers and internal struggles with faith and identity. The presence of supernatural beings raises the stakes and adds a sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future developments. The revelations about Delannie's past and the presence of supernatural beings add intrigue and momentum.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected intervention of George and his group, adding a twist to the initial setup of vulnerability.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between vulnerability and protection, as represented by the homeless men and George's group. This challenges Delannie's beliefs about trust and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, blending fear, hope, and protection in a dark and atmospheric setting. The characters' struggles and the supernatural elements add layers of complexity and resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and beliefs effectively. The exchanges between Delannie, Angelo, and George reveal tensions and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, character dynamics, and the sense of tension and resolution.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay writing.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a standard format for its genre, effectively setting up the atmosphere and conflict.


Critique
  • The imagery of doves transforming into cherry blossoms is visually poetic and aligns well with the themes of rebirth and hope. However, the transition from the dark alley to this ethereal moment could be more pronounced to enhance the emotional impact. Consider adding a brief moment of stillness or reflection from Delannie before the transformation occurs.
  • The use of Angelo's voiceover is effective in reinforcing the theme of divine purpose. However, the line 'The same hands that shaped the stars shaped you, with purpose and love' feels somewhat generic. It could benefit from a more personal touch that directly relates to Delannie's journey or struggles, making it resonate more deeply with her character.
  • The presence of the homeless men creates a sense of tension and entrapment for Delannie, which is a strong visual element. However, the resolution of this tension when George and the other men provide security feels abrupt. It might be more impactful to show Delannie’s reaction to this shift in her environment, allowing the audience to feel her relief or confusion.
  • The scene lacks dialogue, which can be effective in creating a contemplative atmosphere, but it may also distance the audience from Delannie's emotional state. Consider incorporating a brief internal monologue or a whispered thought from Delannie to provide insight into her feelings as she navigates this moment.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat unclear. While the visual elements are strong, the emotional continuity could be improved by explicitly connecting Delannie’s previous experiences with her current state in the alley. This could be achieved through a brief flashback or a visual cue that ties her past struggles to her present situation.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition into the scene by incorporating a moment of stillness or reflection from Delannie before the doves take flight, allowing the audience to absorb the shift in atmosphere.
  • Revise Angelo's voiceover to include a more personal message that directly relates to Delannie's character arc, making it feel less generic and more impactful.
  • Show Delannie’s emotional response to the presence of George and the other men providing security, whether it be relief, confusion, or a mix of emotions, to deepen the audience's connection to her experience.
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or whispered thought from Delannie to provide insight into her emotional state, enhancing the audience's understanding of her character.
  • Create a clearer connection between the previous scene and this one by incorporating a visual cue or brief flashback that ties Delannie’s past struggles to her current situation in the alley.



Scene 8 -  A Voice of Hope
EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK – DAY

Delannie is surrounded by lots of green space. The blossoms
float down and scatter across the captivating tapestry of
diversity, each person unique, many falling under the LGBTQ+
umbrella, who have gathered.

ANGELO (V.O)
It’s time you see yourself as
Heaven already does—worthy,
radiant, and whole.

Delannie’s top is a flowing, white tunic-style blouse with
intricate embroidery. She wears minimal makeup emphasizing
natural beauty, with soft yet bold eyes to reflect her
determination.

She follows the path laid by the blossoms, her footsteps
echoing faintly with the same rhythm as her earlier steps in
the church.

DELANNIE
Look in the mirror. There is God. I
used to think I was a sinner and
was going to hell. Not anymore.
God’s love is for everyone.

Several GIRLS turn their backs and start to leave. Soon,
others start to leave.

Noel runs up to the microphone. He opens the well-thumbed book
- “Living Authentically: Embracing Your True Self.”

NOEL
Before you walk away, I need just a
moment of your time. As a parent, I
want to share something important
about Delannie. She isn’t just an
extraordinary person—she’s someone
who embodies courage, truth, and
the power to inspire.
18



Fr. Gabriel brushes by Angelo.

FR. GABRIEL
Of course, Holy Father. I will get
right on that.

Angelo follows Fr. Gabriel from a distance. In the shadows,
unseen by any mortal person, GABRIEL, folds his wings into his
back. He clocks Angelo a few steps ahead of him. The crowd
starts to regroup, focusing on Noel. Delannie continues to
hide at the edge of the stage.

NOEL
If Delannie has taught me anything,
it’s that sometimes, all it takes
is one moment, one voice, to spark
a new understanding. And that
voice, right now, is hers.

Delannie steps up to the microphone.

EXT. STADIUM – DAY

Busy and buzzing with excitement. A couple holding hands—
possibly same-sex, their expressions a mix of hope and
uncertainty. Their T-shirt reads “I believe in angels.” Angelo
gives that person a thumbs up while scratching his back where
his wings pop out.

MOS Delannie speaks confidently to the crowd who reflect hope
and acceptance.

FINAL FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary In Washington Square Park, Delannie shares her journey of self-acceptance and God's unconditional love, inspiring some while causing others to leave. Noel defends her, urging the crowd to listen, which shifts the atmosphere. As Delannie confidently addresses the audience, the scene embodies themes of hope and acceptance, culminating in a powerful message of self-worth.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Visual imagery
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some minor pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance and empowerment through compelling dialogue and visual imagery. The emotional impact is strong, and the character development is significant, leading to a memorable and impactful moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of self-discovery and acceptance is central to the scene, and it is executed with depth and nuance. The exploration of identity and the power of one's voice is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8.4

The plot of the scene focuses on Delannie's journey towards self-acceptance and the impact of her voice on others. It moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of her character and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on self-acceptance, spirituality, and inclusivity, with authentic character actions and dialogue that resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and engaging, especially Delannie and Noel. Their emotional arcs and interactions drive the scene forward and create a sense of connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Delannie undergoes significant character development in the scene, moving towards self-acceptance and embracing her true identity. Noel also experiences growth by acknowledging and supporting Delannie's journey.

Internal Goal: 9

Delannie's internal goal in this scene is to embrace her true self, overcome feelings of unworthiness and sin, and accept God's love for everyone. This reflects her deeper needs for self-acceptance, empowerment, and spiritual fulfillment.

External Goal: 8

Delannie's external goal is to inspire others, particularly through Noel's speech, and to share a message of courage, truth, and inspiration. This reflects the immediate challenge of being accepted and understood by the crowd.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on internal struggles and personal growth rather than external conflicts. The resolution is more about acceptance and empowerment.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, particularly in the reactions of the crowd and the appearance of Gabriel, adding complexity to Delannie's journey.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on Delannie's journey towards self-acceptance and the impact of her voice on others. While important, the stakes are not life-threatening or high-risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Delannie's character and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It advances the narrative while providing depth to the characters and themes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of how the crowd reacts to Delannie's message and the unexpected appearance of Gabriel, adding intrigue and tension to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional beliefs of sin and unworthiness versus the message of acceptance, self-love, and inclusivity. This challenges Delannie's beliefs about herself and her place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, empowerment, and reflection. The journey of self-discovery and acceptance resonates with the audience and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and impactful, conveying the themes of self-acceptance and empowerment effectively. The conversations between characters feel authentic and contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable themes, and compelling character interactions that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of reflection and action to unfold at a balanced rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively building tension and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Delannie's transformation and her journey towards self-acceptance, which is a powerful theme. However, the transition from the church to the park could be more seamless. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that connects the two locations, reinforcing the continuity of Delannie's emotional journey.
  • Delannie's dialogue is impactful, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of stating 'God's love is for everyone,' perhaps she could share a personal anecdote or a specific moment that led her to this realization. This would deepen the emotional resonance and make her message more relatable.
  • The reaction of the crowd, particularly the girls who turn their backs, feels abrupt. It might be more effective to show a gradual shift in their reactions, perhaps through facial expressions or body language, to build tension before they leave. This would enhance the stakes of Delannie's speech and her vulnerability.
  • Noel's intervention is a strong moment, but his dialogue could be more concise. Streamlining his speech would maintain the audience's attention and emphasize the urgency of Delannie's message. Consider focusing on one or two key points rather than multiple ideas.
  • The introduction of Fr. Gabriel and the mention of Angelo's wings adds an intriguing layer to the scene, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main focus on Delannie. Ensure that these elements serve the primary narrative and do not distract from Delannie's moment of empowerment.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition between the church and the park by incorporating a visual motif, such as the blossoms, that symbolizes Delannie's growth and connection to her faith.
  • Add a personal story or specific example in Delannie's dialogue to illustrate her journey from feeling like a sinner to recognizing her worth, making her message more impactful.
  • Show a more gradual reaction from the crowd to Delannie's speech, using subtle cues to build tension and highlight her vulnerability before they leave.
  • Streamline Noel's dialogue to focus on one or two key points that emphasize Delannie's courage and the importance of her voice, keeping the audience engaged.
  • Ensure that the introduction of Fr. Gabriel and Angelo's wings ties back to Delannie's journey, reinforcing the theme of divine support rather than diverting attention from her moment of empowerment.