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Scene 1 -  Renata's Determination
fair today.
2.


RENATA
Okay, okay.

Renata closes her eyes. Sighs. As she steps toward her
closet, her clothing drops to an otherwise immaculate floor.

Now in a fluffy robe, she opens the blinds and the dawn light
floods the room, revealing a crucifix on the wall above the
bed. Catholic paraphernalia sits atop a dresser.

In a corner, a vanity table repurposed as a workstation with
a laptop. On the right, a framed photo of Renata, her older
sister, Dolores, and her nephew, Eduardo.

On the left, a photo of Renata and a woman embracing, both in
graduation robes. The same woman who was kidnapped.

Above the mirror, a framed diploma of a communications degree
from the University of Baja California.

Her fingers trail over the graduation photo as she exits.


INT. SHOWER - DAY

Steam fills the small cubicle. Renata finishes rinsing her
hair under the spray. She turns off the water and hangs her
head. Water DRIPS.

RENATA
Heavenly Father, nothing is
impossible for you. If it is your
will, please bring Ximena back to
me. I’ll do whatever you ask...

She crosses herself, tears coursing down her cheeks.

Suddenly, blurry images intrude her mind:


VISIONS

...A man towers behind Renata and chokes her with a belt, his
face unseen...

...A desolate, large tree with twisted branches, rooted on a
barren hill under a dark sky...


BACK TO SCENE

Renata’s eyes snap open. Heartbeat racing. Her hands
protectively clutch her neck.
3.


INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Two sunny-side up eggs sizzle in a skillet. A spatula lifts
them out.

Humbly appointed, the appliances come from another decade.

DOLORES (35), slightly more robust than Renata, wearing
hospital scrubs. Premature worry wrinkles crease her face.
She plates the eggs.

Dolores places the eggs in front of Renata at the table.
EDUARDO (8), devours the last bits of his breakfast.

Renata, wearing a blouse and designer blue jeans, stares
numbly at her meal -- still rattled by the visions.

DOLORES
Eat, Nata. We’re not having this
conversation again.

Renata listlessly picks up a fork and cuts into the eggs.

DOLORES
You’ve gotten too thin.

RENATA
I thought we weren’t having this
conversation.

Dolores goes back to the stove and prepares her own food.

EDUARDO
I’m finished, mami. Can I have
Tia’s?

Renata starts sliding the plate over.

DOLORES
No, you’re done. Go get your
backpack.

Eduardo pouts and trudges out. Dolores watches him leave.

DOLORES
Any leads from the cops?

Renata picks listlessly at her food, head low. Delores sighs.

DOLORES
Two weeks and not even a ransom
note? You know what it means.
4.


RENATA
Don’t think like that.

Renata stares at her plate and drags her fork through the
neglected eggs.

Dolores picks up Eduardo’s dishes and washes them.

DOLORES
Fine. But you’re not still going
through with it, are you?

RENATA
I owe it to Ximena. She’d do the
same for me. Actually, more.

Dolores grouses, bites her lip and exhales. Doesn’t like this
at all.

RENATA
Ximena trusted him.

DOLORES
At least have uncle Bicho check him
out first. He’s been asking about
you. He wants to know how you’re
doing after... everything.

Renata rubs the back of her neck.

RENATA
I owe him a call but right now I
need to focus.

Dolores goes still, displeased. Renata groans.

RENATA
It’s a simple exchange. I wait for
his text. I meet him and hand over
the thumb drive and that’s it.

Dolores turns, wiping her hands on a towel.

DOLORES
Just promise me that after that
it’s over. You’re done with all
this.

Renata looks away and gives a grudging nod.
5.


EXT. TIJUANA SLUMS - DAY

Multi-colored dwellings stacked on top of each other on the
hillside.


EXT. RENATA’S HOUSE - DAY

Renata walks out of a simple one-story house wearing a
backpack. She looks around furtively. It looks safe. She
descends a steep and zig-zagging stairway.


EXT. STAIRWAY - DAY

Renata stares ahead of her intently.

MRS. GARIBAY (O.S.)
Good morning, Renata!

Renata startles and nearly tumbles. On a nearby porch, MRS.
GARIBAY (73), sturdy and kind, sips from a steaming mug.

MRS. GARIBAY
Careful, dear! What’s wrong? You
look like the devil is chasing you.
Would you like a cup of herbal tea?

RENATA
No. No thank you, Mrs. Garibay. I’m
already late for work. Soon, I
promise. Have a good day.

Renata heads down the stairs.

MRS. GARIBAY
Don’t worry so much. It’s never as
bad as you think.


EXT. BOTTOM OF THE HILL - DAY

Renata exits the stairs then hops into her sun-faded Honda
Civic and pulls out.


EXT. TIJUANA SLUMS - DAY

Renata’s car maneuvers down streets that look like a
perpetual crime in progress. Muggers-in-waiting, hookers, and
druggies mingle with street vendors and panhandlers. Despite
their differences, they all have a keen eye for the tourist.
6.


INT. RENATA’S CAR - DAY

Shops and business buildings pass by in the window. Renata
keeps a watchful eye through her mirrors.

She comes to a red light at a roundabout. She glances at
other drivers and pedestrians but no one seems interested in
her. She relaxes, until...

She looks in the rearview mirror and sees a decrepit Ford
Taurus a couple of cars back driven by a tough looking man.
Beneath his skunk-streaked hair, a scar runs from brow to
chin. For a second, their eyes lock.


EXT. ROUNDABOUT - DAY

The light turns green and Renata’s car lurches forward,
merging with the flow. The car nearly completes the circuit
before taking an exit.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Renata wakes up and prays for the safe return of her kidnapped friend Ximena. She has breakfast with her concerned sister Dolores and nephew Eduardo. Renata encounters Mrs. Garibay, a friendly neighbor, before driving through the dangerous Tijuana slums. She notices a suspicious man in a Ford Taurus following her car, adding to the tension and anxiety of the scene.
Strengths
  • Establishes central conflict
  • Creates tension and intrigue
  • Evokes emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of standout dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the main character, the central conflict, and the emotional stakes. It creates a sense of tension and intrigue, leaving the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a woman searching for her kidnapped friend is a familiar one, but the scene introduces unique elements such as the religious imagery and the presence of the mysterious man in the Ford Taurus.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed in this scene, with the introduction of the central conflict and the setup for Renata's plan to exchange the thumb drive. The scene also hints at a larger mystery surrounding the kidnapping.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and some elements of the story are familiar, such as the search for a missing person, the specific details and the portrayal of the characters' emotions and relationships add authenticity and freshness to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced effectively, with Renata's determination and faith contrasting with Dolores' concern for her sister's safety. The scene also hints at a complex relationship between Renata and the mysterious man in the Ford Taurus.

Character Changes: 6

There is not a significant character change in this scene, but it does establish Renata's determination and her willingness to take risks for her friend.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find and rescue her kidnapped friend, Ximena. This goal reflects Renata's deeper need for justice, her fear of losing someone she cares about, and her desire to make a difference in the lives of others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet someone and hand over a thumb drive as part of a simple exchange. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Renata is facing in her search for her missing friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, with Renata torn between her desire to find her friend and her sister's concerns for her safety. There is also an external conflict hinted at with the presence of the mysterious man in the Ford Taurus.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles in her search for her missing friend. The presence of a tough-looking man following her adds to the sense of danger and opposition.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with Renata risking her own safety to find her kidnapped friend. The presence of the mysterious man in the Ford Taurus adds an element of danger and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict and setting up Renata's plan to exchange the thumb drive. It also hints at a larger mystery surrounding the kidnapping.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces elements of danger and mystery, such as the protagonist's visions and the presence of a tough-looking man following her. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the protagonist's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of worry and fear for Renata's friend and the potential danger she is facing. Renata's prayer and her tears also add an emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional and serves to convey information and establish character relationships. However, there are no particularly memorable or standout lines in this scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a compelling mystery and conflict, creates a sense of tension and urgency, and establishes the emotional stakes for the protagonist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency. The scene moves at a brisk pace, with concise and impactful descriptions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively introduces the protagonist, establishes the setting, and sets up the conflict and goals for the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Renata waking up and getting ready for the day. While this is a common way to start a scene, it doesn't add much to the story or character development.
  • The visions that Renata has in the shower are a bit cliché and don't add much to the story. It might be better to show her anxiety and fear in a different way.
  • The dialogue between Renata and Dolores feels a bit forced and on-the-nose. It might be better to show their conflict through actions and reactions rather than having them spell it out for the audience.
  • The description of the Tijuana slums and the people who inhabit them feels a bit stereotypical and one-dimensional. It might be better to show a more nuanced and complex view of the area and its residents.
  • The introduction of Mrs. Garibay feels a bit random and doesn't add much to the story. It might be better to introduce her in a way that feels more organic and relevant to the plot.
  • The description of the suspicious man in the Ford Taurus feels a bit cliché and doesn't add much to the story. It might be better to show his threat in a more subtle and nuanced way.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene in a way that adds more to the story or character development.
  • Find a more unique and interesting way to show Renata's anxiety and fear.
  • Try to show the conflict between Renata and Dolores through actions and reactions rather than dialogue.
  • Research and portray the Tijuana slums and its residents in a more nuanced and complex way.
  • Introduce Mrs. Garibay in a way that feels more organic and relevant to the plot.
  • Find a more subtle and nuanced way to show the threat of the suspicious man in the Ford Taurus.



Scene 2 -  Doubts and Tensions
INT. RENATA'S CAR - DAY

Renata checks the rearview. The Taurus makes the turn,
keeping pace.

Her fingers drum the steering wheel. Her foot trembles on the
accelerator. She spies a narrow alleyway.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Renata’s car whips into the alleyway.


INT. RENATA’S CAR - DAY

Renata sees a brick wall looming ahead. Dead end.

She slams on the breaks and her body strains against her
seatbelts then snaps back into the seat. With a panicked
twist, she looks back.

The Taurus rolls past smoothly, the driver staring ahead.

Renata collapses back into her seat.

RENATA
Eres una chica loca. Madre de Dios.

She performs the sign of the cross.
7.


EXT. NORTE LIBRE NEWS BUILDING - DAY

A wholly unremarkable structure nestled among private homes
on a residential street. Barely indistinguishable from the
other houses save for the “Norte Libre News” sign above the
entrance.

Two State Police trucks barricade the entrance. Three Fully-
geared soldiers guard the area.

Across the street, Renata exits her car. A Soldier recognizes
her with a nod as she goes inside.


INT. OFFICE - DAY

As barebones as you can get. Tables partition the room into
quarters and serve as desks. Stacks of papers, folders, and
books engulf the work areas. Outdated computer monitors
connect to laptops. A hallway leads to the editorial offices.

A few coworkers wave at Renata. She reciprocates.

Renata enters the far left corner workstation. CARMEN (36),
at one desk nods at Renata while on the phone and taking
notes. LUIS (26), leans back in his chair and gives Renata an
appraising glance and smile. They fist bump.

LUIS
Hey, important question.

Renata pauses expectantly.

LUIS
Which one do you think I’d look
better in?

He turns his monitor to give Renata a better view of two
photos of the same model wearing a blue then red dress shirt.

RENATA
For the record, that’s not an
important question. Why don’t you
ask your girlfriend?

LUIS
Because I want to surprise her.

RENATA
If you want to surprise her, put a
ring on her finger.

LUIS
Focus!
8.


Renata pulls out her chair and, as she sits...

RENATA
The blue one.

Luis turns to the other woman.

LUIS
See, Carmen! I told you!

Carmen shakes her head and continues with her call.

Renata removes her laptop from her backpack and connects it.
She turns to the one unoccupied desk in the opposite corner.

Unlike Renata’s space, award plaques hang from the wall next
to framed Norte Libre headlines.

A framed graduation photo, the same image as the one on
Renata’s vanity desk sits next to the monitor.

Renata blinks back tears and turns back, takes a deep breath,
and starts typing on the external keyboard.

IRENE (47), Norte Libre’s editor-in-chief, fashionably
dressed but a care-worn face peers in from the hallway.

IRENE
They caught somebody!

Renata, Luis, and the others all rise immediately and beeline
for the hallway.


INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY

A cramped space little more than a renovated closet. The
group gathers around a vintage TV set atop a mini-fridge.


ON THE SCREEN

A NEWS ANCHOR looks gravely at the camera.

NEWS ANCHOR
...Three men have been arrested in
connection to the kidnapping of
Ximena Valdez, a reporter for
Tijuana’s Norte Libre.

The scene cuts to live video of masked soldiers parading
three teenagers, hands cuffed behind their backs, before the
press.
9.


NEWS ANCHOR
Ximena was taken forcibly from her
residence two weeks ago. Police
have announced that three
construction workers, Joaquin
Leyva, Hector Moreno, and Miguel
Abrego were apprehended early this
morning...

All three young men, slumped shoulders, share a mask of
misery.


BACK TO SCENE

Renata, Luis, Irene, and the others stare raptly at the
screen.

LUIS
I guess it’s all over then.

RENATA
These can’t be the guys.

LUIS
Really? Most sicarios start out at
about that age.

RENATA
In the four years you’ve been here,
when was the last time you saw one
crying like he wants his mommy?
Sicarios don’t give a shit about
anything. These kids are scared.

Carmen leans in.

CARMEN
Are the police going to continue
guarding us?

IRENE
Who knows? Maybe they’ll stay until
lunch. Alright, let’s get back to
work.

The employees filter out of the room. Renata lingers with
Carmen, watching the TV.

CARMEN
You have a gun to your head. They
tell you to take the blame or
they’ll kill you and your family.
What can you do then?
10.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Renata tries to evade a car following her and seeks refuge at Norte Libre News building. There, she meets her coworkers and they watch news of the arrest of three men connected to a reporter's kidnapping. Renata expresses doubt about the arrested men's involvement. The scene ends with Renata and Carmen lingering in the break room, watching the news on a vintage TV.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development through dialogue
  • Establishing high stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical description of characters
  • Lack of visual cues for setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and establishes the central conflict. The pacing is fast, and the dialogue reveals the characters' personalities and relationships. The emotional impact is high, as the characters react to the news of the arrests. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a journalist being pursued by unknown individuals adds intrigue and suspense to the story. The newsroom setting provides a unique backdrop for the unfolding events.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and propels the story forward. The chase and the news of the arrests create tension and raise questions about the true culprits behind the kidnapping.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a journalist investigating a kidnapping is familiar, the specific details and dialogue bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their relationships are established through dialogue and actions. Renata is shown as resourceful and determined, while Luis is portrayed as lighthearted and supportive. Carmen and Irene provide additional depth to the newsroom environment.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up potential character arcs for Renata and the other journalists as they navigate the dangers and ethical challenges ahead.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out more information about the kidnapping case and to express her doubts about the arrested suspects. This reflects her deeper need for justice and truth, as well as her fear of innocent people being wrongly accused.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue working on her job as a journalist and to discuss the recent developments in the kidnapping case with her colleagues. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing in her profession.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with Renata being pursued and the newsroom facing potential danger. The arrests of the teenagers raise questions about the true culprits and the safety of the journalists.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist's doubts and beliefs are challenged by the societal belief in the guilt of the arrested suspects. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with Renata being pursued and the newsroom potentially facing danger. The arrests of the teenagers add complexity to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the chase, the news of the arrests, and the potential dangers faced by the journalists. It raises questions and sets up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations by presenting arrested suspects who appear innocent and questioning the actions of the police.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the innocence of the arrested suspects and the societal belief that they are guilty. This challenges the protagonist's values of justice and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, concern, and doubt through the characters' reactions to the news. Renata's emotional moment with the graduation photo adds depth to her character.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is natural and reveals the characters' personalities and relationships. It effectively conveys tension, humor, and concern.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new development in the kidnapping case, creates tension through the protagonist's doubts, and includes realistic dialogue and interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotion with moments of dialogue and character interaction. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an action, introduces the setting and characters, and progresses the story through dialogue and events.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a tense and anxious tone, which is appropriate given the context of Renata being followed by a suspicious car. However, the tension and anxiety could be heightened by adding more sensory details to the description. For example, instead of just saying Renata's foot trembles on the accelerator, you could describe her heart pounding in her chest and her palms sweating on the steering wheel.
  • The dialogue between Renata and the suspicious man in the Ford Taurus is missing, which could have added more suspense and conflict to the scene. It would be interesting to see how Renata reacts and tries to evade the car following her, and how the suspicious man responds to her attempts.
  • The transition from Renata's car to the Norte Libre News building feels abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of how Renata goes from being followed in her car to arriving at the news building. This could be achieved by adding a brief description of her driving through the city streets or parking her car before entering the building.
  • The description of the office and the coworkers is sufficient, but it could benefit from more specific details to make the setting and characters more vivid. For example, you could describe the noise and chaos of the office, the cluttered desks, or the distinct personalities of Renata's coworkers.
  • The dialogue between Renata, Luis, and Carmen in the office is engaging and reveals their personalities. However, it would be helpful to have a clearer sense of their relationships and dynamics. Adding small gestures or interactions between the characters could enhance their chemistry and make the scene more dynamic.
  • The introduction of Irene, the editor-in-chief, feels a bit sudden and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a brief description of her entering the office or interacting with Renata and the others before announcing the news of the arrest. This would make her presence feel more natural and integrated into the scene.
  • The scene ends with Renata and Carmen watching the TV, but it could benefit from a stronger closing moment. Adding a line of dialogue or an action that reflects Renata's emotional state or sets up the next scene could create a more impactful ending.
Suggestions
  • Add more sensory details to heighten the tension and anxiety in the car chase scene.
  • Include a dialogue exchange between Renata and the suspicious man in the Ford Taurus to add suspense and conflict.
  • Smoothly transition from the car chase scene to Renata arriving at the news building by adding a brief description of her driving or parking her car.
  • Enhance the description of the office and the coworkers by adding specific details to make the setting and characters more vivid.
  • Include small gestures or interactions between the characters in the office to enhance their chemistry and make the scene more dynamic.
  • Introduce Irene, the editor-in-chief, more smoothly by including a brief description of her entering the office or interacting with the other characters before announcing the news of the arrest.
  • Create a stronger closing moment by adding a line of dialogue or an action that reflects Renata's emotional state or sets up the next scene.



Scene 3 -  Renata's Struggle for Factory Accident Witnesses
INT. IRENE’S OFFICE - DAY

Irene types at her monitor.

Renata knocks at the frame of the open door.

RENATA
You wanted to see me, Irene?

IRENE
Close the door.

Renata closes the door and takes a seat. Irene finishes
typing and turns to Renata.

IRENE
How’s your piece on the factories
coming?

RENATA
Umm, I’m on it.

Irene gives her a look.

RENATA
They’re buying old buses that are
practically falling apart to
transport the workers, just to save
money. Fifty two accidents in less
than two years.

IRENE
How many deaths?

RENATA
Twenty three, with over three
hundred injured. I think these
numbers are being hidden from
authorities. I’m tracking that
down, but, I can’t seem to get
anyone on the record.

IRENE
It’s not like you to struggle with
a witness.

RENATA
I’ll get it done.

IRENE
Listen, this Ximena ordeal has been
hard on everyone, especially you.
11.

IRENE (CONT'D)
I know this piece isn’t what you
want to be doing, but the
moratorium on cartel stories
remains.

RENATA
Until we forget Ximena existed.

Irene leans back in her chair, removes her glasses, and sets
them on her desk.

IRENE
I’m not only responsible for
breaking a story. I have to make
sure you all get home safe.

RENATA
Ximena was home.

IRENE
All the more reason to stay away
from these topics... I understand
if you need some time off.

RENATA
I can’t afford it.

IRENE
It’s a paid vacation, silly. Take a
week, enjoy the sun and grab a
margarita.

RENATA
Thank you, but, I’d rather not.

IRENE
When’s the last time you slept?

Renata looks down, instinctively lures her hand to her neck
for protection.

RENATA
It’s not that, I saw something... I
had a strange dream, but I’m fine.
I should focus on my work. It’s...
what I need right now.

Irene takes Renata’s hand.

IRENE
Okay. But when you’re finished, I
want you to rest at least three
days. I need my best reporter to be
a hundred percent. Deal?
12.


Renata forces a smile. She knows it’s a lie.


INT. OFFICE - DAY

Renata sits at her desk, cradling the landline receiver to
her ear, as she shuffles through papers.

RENATA
It is a lot, Mrs. Morales, but I
wish you’d reconsider. We have to
make sure these terrible things
don’t keep happening.

MRS. MORALES (PHONE)
Look, if the company finds out that
I talked I’ll lose my insurance. I
can’t afford... I can’t...

Renata drops the papers and switches the receiver to her
other ear.

RENATA
I know. It hurts. I lost someone
too.

MRS. MORALES
Oh. Was it recent?

Renata’s gaze trails over to Ximena’s empty desk.

RENATA
Yeah, very. She didn’t deserve it
either.

MRS. MORALES
What happened to her?

RENATA
Bad people taking advantage of the
system as usual.

Silence on the other end of the line. Renata raps lightly on
her desk with her knuckle.

RENATA
Her name is Ximena Valdez.

MRS. MORALES
Oh, I heard about her. I’m so
sorry... I pray to God every day
for things to get better in this
city, but He doesn’t seem to be
listening.
13.


RENATA
Yeah, me too. But, no matter what,
she’d want me to do the right
thing. The good thing.

MRS. MORALES
And are you doing that?

RENATA
I’m trying. Mrs. Morales, please
reconsider. If you don’t tell your
story, who will?

MRS. MORALES
I... must think about this.

RENATA
Of course, you can call--

MRS. MORALES
I need to see my daughter in the
hospital. I have to go.

The line CLICKS. Renata stares thoughtfully at the receiver
then hangs it up. She buries her face in her hands.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Renata meets with Irene in her office to discuss her progress on a story about factory accidents. Irene expresses concern for Renata's well-being and offers her a paid vacation, but Renata declines. Renata then speaks with Mrs. Morales on the phone, trying to convince her to share her story about the accidents, but Mrs. Morales is hesitant due to fear of losing her insurance. The scene ends with Renata hanging up the phone and looking thoughtful.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Establishing stakes and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of external conflict with the cartel

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and conflict faced by the characters, creating a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the internal struggles of the characters. The scene also sets up the central conflict and establishes the stakes for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigative journalism and the moral dilemma faced by the characters is compelling and thought-provoking. It explores the themes of responsibility, sacrifice, and the pursuit of truth.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Renata discusses her investigation into the factories and her struggle to find witnesses. The scene sets up the conflict between the desire to expose the truth and the dangers involved.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of investigating accidents in factories is not entirely unique, the specific details and the emotional depth of the characters' actions and dialogue add authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. Irene is portrayed as a caring mentor figure, while Renata is determined and haunted by recent events. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Renata experiences a subtle change in her determination and resolve as she confronts the emotional toll of her work. She initially tries to push through, but her vulnerability is revealed as she admits to having seen something and having a strange dream.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove herself and her dedication to her work, despite the emotional toll it has taken on her. This reflects her deeper need for validation and her desire to make a difference.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Mrs. Morales to tell her story about the accidents in the factories. This reflects the immediate challenge of getting someone on the record and gathering evidence for her piece.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Renata grapples with her desire to expose the truth and the risks involved. There is also an external conflict between the journalists and the cartel, which is hinted at but not fully explored in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from Mrs. Morales in telling her story and the societal pressure to avoid cartel stories.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Renata investigates the dangerous practices of the factories and tries to find witnesses. The mention of Ximena's death and the cartel's involvement adds a sense of danger and personal risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict and the emotional state of the characters. It sets up Renata's investigation and her internal struggle, which will likely drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected emotional depth and reveals hidden information about the accidents in the factories.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in doing the right thing and the societal pressure to stay away from cartel stories. This challenges her values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and the weight of their responsibilities. The mention of Ximena's death adds a layer of sadness and personal connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the internal struggles and conflicts of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and the stakes involved.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it establishes a sense of mystery and conflict, as well as emotional stakes for the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of tension and reflection, as well as maintaining a steady rhythm in the dialogue exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Renata knocking at Irene's office door, which is a good way to establish the setting and the characters involved. However, the dialogue in this scene feels a bit stiff and lacks natural flow. It could benefit from more organic and realistic conversations.
  • The conflict between Renata's desire to investigate the factory accidents and Irene's concern for her safety is clear, but it could be further developed to create more tension and emotional stakes.
  • The dialogue between Renata and Irene about the moratorium on cartel stories feels a bit on the nose and could be more subtly conveyed. It could be more effective to show the impact of the moratorium on Renata's work and her frustration through her actions and reactions.
  • The conversation between Renata and Mrs. Morales on the phone lacks depth and emotional resonance. It could be more impactful if there were more specific details about Ximena's kidnapping and Renata's personal connection to it.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene, leaving the reader wanting more closure or a sense of progression.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the dialogue in a more natural and conversational style, allowing the characters to speak in a way that feels authentic to their personalities and emotions.
  • Explore the conflict between Renata and Irene further, delving into their differing perspectives and motivations. This could create more tension and raise the stakes for Renata's investigation.
  • Instead of explicitly discussing the moratorium on cartel stories, show the impact of the restriction on Renata's work through her frustrations and actions. This can add depth to her character and make the conflict more engaging.
  • Add more specific details about Ximena's kidnapping and Renata's personal connection to it in the conversation with Mrs. Morales. This will make the scene more emotionally resonant and highlight Renata's determination to do the right thing.
  • Consider adding a clear resolution or transition at the end of the scene to provide closure or a sense of progression. This can be achieved through a decisive action or decision made by Renata, or by setting up the next scene.



Scene 4 -  The Investigation and the Gun
INT. XIMENA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

XIMENA (32) and Renata enter. Ximena has a commanding
presence with big, inquisitive eyes. We catch a glimpse of
the party in the living room. A banner stretches across the
room, “Happy Birthday Ximena!”. Ximena closes the door.

The room looks similar to Renata’s but with more framed
pictures above the bed of her travels.

Renata glances down at Ximena’s white on black Mary Janes.

RENATA
I want some shoes like yours. Where
did you get them?

XIMENA
A birthday present to myself. I
want to show you something.

Ximena goes to her tiny workstation area. She digs inside a
jar full of coins, removes her hand from it clutching
something. She places it in Renata’s hand. It’s a thumb drive
with the colors of the Mexican flag.
14.


XIMENA
My investigation with the American.
I’m thinking of changing my name to
Pulitzer.

RENATA
So humble. You finished it?

XIMENA
Not quite but it’s all there.

RENATA
Why are you giving it to me?

XIMENA
It’s a copy, in case something were
to happen.

Renata’s face twists in a flash of terror.

XIMENA
Don’t worry, this is just a
precaution.

RENATA
Nena, you’re scaring me.

Renata’s eyes well up with tears. Ximena pulls her into an
embrace.

XIMENA
Hey, hey, everything is fine. There
always has to be a plan B, but it
won’t come to that. I promise.

TAP TAP TAP--


INT. OFFICE - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)

Renata looks up. Luis TAPS on his coffee mug.

RENATA
What?

LUIS
Would you like some?

RENATA
Yes, please.

LUIS
The largest cup of coffee in the
Baja peninsula coming up.
15.


Luis saunters off to the break room passing Carmen who’s
fully absorbed in her computer.

Renata sees an opportunity and turns to her computer.

She opens her backpack, roots around, pulls out the Mexican
flag thumb drive, and inserts it into the laptop.

A file list appears. She mouses over to a folder labeled
“Pulitzer” and clicks it open. A list of documents appears.

She glances over her shoulder then opens the top document and
that reads, “COLLUSION: Cartels and Politicians form a Crime
Syndicate by Ximena Valdez and Seth Barrett.”

She scrolls the document and certain phrases stand out,
“...payoffs between top-level government officials...”,
“...shipments by boat...”, “...rampant corruption in the
state police...”

Her cellphone CHIMES and BUZZES. She startles and pulls it
from her pocket.

It’s a text in English from a US number: “Meet me at the dog
track. Southeast parking lot. 20 minutes.” Renata responds
with a text: “I’ll be there”.

She pulls the thumb drive and tosses it into her backpack
then shoulders it. As she turns to leave, Luis appears with
two coffee mugs.

RENATA
Oh! Just set it on my desk. I’ll be
back soon.

Renata rushes off. Luis looks puzzled.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Renata’s weaves her car around traffic and avoids several
jaywalkers.


INT. RENATA'S CAR - DAY

Renata spies an entrance to a parking lot on the left and
turns into it.


EXT. DOG TRACK PARKING LOT - DAY

A massive lot with hundreds of spaces but with only a few
occupied. Renata’s car parks in the middle section.
16.


INT. RENATA'S CAR - DAY

Renata looks at her dashboard clock: “10:18 AM”. She twists
in her seat, scanning her surroundings. No movement or people
to be seen.

She pulls out her phone and opens up to a head shot photo of
an average guy with intelligent eyes and brown hair. Beneath
the photo is the name “Seth Barrett, LA TIMES Reporter”.


EXT. DOG TRACK PARKING LOT - DAY

Renata exits her car, leans against the hood and waits. A
distant SIREN from the city rises and fades. She looks
sharply to the side.

A middle-aged man moves in her general direction.

Renata keeps an eye on him. It’s not Seth. She tenses up.

The man reaches a car and gives Renata an odd glance. He
jumps inside the car. His radio BLASTS regional Mexican music
and the car takes off.

Renata puts her hand over her chest in a calming gesture.

She notices a white Dodge Charger entering at the far end of
the lot. It cruises to a few rows away then comes to a stop.

SETH BARRETT (38), steps out with both hands inside the
pockets of a dark beige jacket.

Renata recognizes him.

RENATA
Mr. Barrett?

Seth gives a slight nod.

RENATA
I have it with me.

SETH
Bring it over.

Renata reaches into her car and snags her backpack, heads
over. She offers it to Seth.

RENATA
I really hope you can do something
with this.

Seth pulls a out a gun and aims it at her.
17.


SETH
Get in the car.

RENATA
What? I did what you told me to--

SETH
Get in the fucking car. Now.

Renata freezes in shock. Then, she tentatively gets in the
passenger seat. He closes the door, moves around the car.


INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

Seth jumps in the drivers seat. Renata’s eyes well up with
tears.

RENATA
I don’t understand.

SETH
You will. You always do.

Tires SCREECH. They both turn.


EXT. DOG TRACK PARKING LOT - DAY

A caravan of vehicles pulls into the parking lot: Two large
pickup trucks, a Jeep, and an SUV. Tinted windows. The lead
pickup sports several bullet holes along a door panel.


INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

Seth’s gaze narrows. He puts the car in gear and peels out.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Ximena shows Renata a thumb drive with her investigation on collusion between cartels and politicians. In the present, Renata inserts the thumb drive into her laptop and discovers the investigation. She receives a text to meet Seth Barrett, a reporter, at a dog track parking lot. When she arrives, Seth pulls a gun on her and forces her into his car. As they drive away, a caravan of vehicles pulls into the parking lot.
Strengths
  • Strong suspense and tension
  • Unexpected twist
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong emotional impact and unexpected turn of events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret investigation, the exchange of information, and the potential danger involved is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with clear stakes and a compelling conflict. The unexpected twist adds tension and raises the stakes even higher.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall premise of a protagonist involved in a dangerous investigation is familiar, the specific details and actions of the characters bring a fresh approach to the situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Renata's fear and Seth's mysterious demeanor create intrigue.

Character Changes: 8

Renata experiences a significant change in her perception of Seth and the situation, going from trust to fear and confusion.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect her investigation and ensure its safety. This reflects her deeper desire for justice and truth, as well as her fear of the consequences that may arise from her actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet with Seth Barrett, a reporter, and hand over the thumb drive containing her investigation. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of her involvement in a dangerous investigation and her desire to expose the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Renata and Seth, as well as the potential danger from the approaching caravan, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with a life-threatening situation and must navigate the dangerous actions of Seth Barrett. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this opposition, adding to the suspense and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, with Renata's life potentially in danger and the sensitive information on the thumb drive at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the thumb drive, setting up a mysterious meeting, and creating a major turning point in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist being held at gunpoint by Seth Barrett. The reader is kept on their toes and is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and truth and the antagonist's willingness to use violence and manipulation to achieve his goals. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as she is forced to confront the darker side of the pursuit of truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and hope through the characters' emotions and the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. However, there could be more impactful and memorable lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a high-stakes situation and builds tension and suspense through the characters' actions and dialogue. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's dilemma and is eager to find out what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The writer uses concise and impactful dialogue, as well as visual cues and character reactions, to create a sense of urgency and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in a clear and organized manner. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue that build tension and suspense. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the reader wanting to know what will happen next.


Critique
  • The transition from the flashback in Ximena's bedroom to the present in the office is abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a transitional element or a visual cue to indicate the change in time and setting.
  • The dialogue between Renata and Luis in the office feels disconnected from the previous scene and lacks relevance to the overall plot. Consider removing or reworking this dialogue to maintain focus on the main storyline.
  • The scene in Renata's car as she drives to the dog track parking lot could benefit from more tension and suspense. Explore ways to heighten the sense of danger and anticipation as she approaches her meeting with Seth Barrett.
  • The introduction of the suspicious man in the parking lot is intriguing, but his presence is not fully explored or resolved in this scene. Consider either developing this character further or removing him to streamline the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Renata and Seth in the car lacks clarity and could be more impactful. Consider revising their exchange to enhance the tension and reveal more about Seth's motives and Renata's predicament.
Suggestions
  • Add a transitional element, such as a fade-out/fade-in or a visual cue, to smoothly transition from the flashback to the present.
  • Consider removing or reworking the dialogue between Renata and Luis in the office to maintain focus on the main storyline.
  • Introduce more suspense and tension in the scene as Renata drives to the dog track parking lot. Use visual and auditory cues to heighten the sense of danger.
  • Either develop the character of the suspicious man in the parking lot further or remove him to streamline the narrative.
  • Revise the dialogue between Renata and Seth in the car to enhance the tension and reveal more about Seth's motives and Renata's predicament.



Scene 5 -  Chased and Hidden
EXT. DOG TRACK PARKING LOT - DAY

The convoy accelerates and follows them out of the lot.
Gunmen lean out of windows and FIRE.


Int. SETH'S CAR - DAY

Seth speeds confidently down a two-way street packed with
vehicles and pedestrians. He checks his mirrors as he talks.

SETH
Sorry about the gun but you’re a
very stubborn woman, and it’s the
only way you get in the car.
18.


RENATA
What is happening?

SETH
What’s happening is that those men
have been tracking your phone
signal and you didn’t even know it.

Seth deftly swerves missing a kid darting into the street.

RENATA
Dios mio por favor ayudame!

SETH
God isn’t going to help you right
now. I will.

Renata pulls on her seatbelt.

SETH
How were the eggs?

RENATA
The eggs?

SETH
Dolores’s eggs. She made you some
this morning. Did you eat them or
stare at them?

RENATA
How did you... wait, why does that
matter?

SETH
Because there’s an infinite number
of possible outcomes in our day. I
like to narrow that down a bit. The
tiniest of variables can affect our
moods. Our choices. Our lives.

He swerves around a car and gets back in his lane just before
crashing with the oncoming car, who HONKS in protest.

SETH
So, that’s why I want to know about
the eggs.

He looks into the rearview mirror.
19.


INT. SICARIO PICKUP - DAY

A king cab with four men, all but the DRIVER armed to the
teeth.

Through the windshield, Seth’s car expertly avoids near-
collisions without slowing down.

DRIVER
He’s a good driver.

In the shotgun seat, TEJON (43), wears a guayabera shirt,
rose-colored sunglasses, and looks like he was chopped from
granite with a face that fought a long battle with acne and
lost.

He slides out a wickedly sharp antique scorpion-tipped blade
from a sheath and picks a fingernail with it.

TEJON
Better than you? I hired you
because you said you were the best.
If we don’t catch him, that means
you lied to me. You stole from me.
If you lose him...

Tejon tilts the knife toward the driver.

TEJON
This goes in your right eye.

Off of the Driver’s terror-stricken face, Tejon chuckles with
reassurance and re-sheaths the knife.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Seth’s car leads the convoy by half a block as he closes in
on a semi.

He pulls ahead of the semi then slips in front of it.

The sicario convoy surges forward passing the semi.

With perfect timing, Seth’s car fluidly mirrors the convoy,
sliding back along the far side of the semi. As they move in
front of the semi, he moves behind it.

The sicario convoy keeps moving forward, followed by the
semi. Unnoticed, Seth’s car makes a left turn.
20.


INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

Renata twists around trying to look behind them.

SETH
We lost ‘em, but not for long.

RENATA
Are those the men who--

SETH
Took Ximena? Yes, the man who
ordered it. She pissed off the
wrong people and they will do
anything to stop our investigation
from being released.

RENATA
What can we do?

Seth
First, we gotta lose them for good.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Ahead, a car pulls out of a tire shop garage. Seth’s car
backs into the vacated spot and rolls into the shadows.


INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

Seth shifts the car into park and relaxes into the seat.

SETH
Then your next question will be,
how did I know about the eggs.

Renata draws back, surprised.

RENATA
Yes! Wait, have you been--

SETH
No, I’m not a spy, and I’m not a
mind reader. Let me see your phone.

A TAP comes from the driver’s window. A man in coveralls
shrugs his shoulders in a “what gives” fashion. Seth returns
a “hold on a minute” finger and looks expectantly at Renata.

She hands her phone tentatively to Seth.
21.


Seth clocks a black sedan passing the shop. He rolls down the
window.

SETH
Here we go.

He shifts the car into gear then tosses the phone out the
window as the car moves forward.

The phone lands in an open barrel of recycled oil with a PLOP
and disappears in the black liquid.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Seth’s car pulls out of the shop and goes in the opposite
direction of the black sedan.

RENATA
¿Estás jodidamente loco? Who the
hell do you think you are?

SETH
Just someone who’s trying to solve
a puzzle, Nata. And call me Seth.

The car comes to a traffic light and stops.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Seth and Renata are being chased by gunmen who are after Renata because she is investigating a case. Seth expertly drives through a crowded street, explaining the situation to Renata. They lose the gunmen by executing a clever maneuver and hiding in a tire shop. Seth throws Renata's phone into a barrel of oil to prevent the gunmen from tracking them. The scene ends with Seth and Renata hiding in the tire shop, knowing that the danger is not over yet.
Strengths
  • Intense car chase
  • Tension and suspense
  • Well-defined characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively establishes the stakes and creates tension through the intense car chase and the imminent threat posed by the gunmen. The dialogue reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The scene also introduces the concept of tracking and surveillance, which adds depth to the plot. Overall, the scene is well-executed and engaging.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a high-speed car chase and the use of tracking technology to locate the main characters adds excitement and suspense to the scene. The idea of being pursued by gunmen and the need to outsmart them creates a sense of danger and urgency. The concept is well-executed and contributes to the overall tension of the scene.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the main characters being pursued by gunmen who are tracking their phone signal. The main character, Seth, demonstrates his resourcefulness and determination to protect the other character, Renata. The scene also hints at a larger investigation and the potential consequences of the characters' actions. The plot is engaging and moves the story forward.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of being chased and trying to escape danger is a familiar one, the specific details and actions of the characters add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, Seth and Renata, are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Seth is portrayed as resourceful and protective, while Renata is initially confused and scared but becomes more determined as the scene progresses. The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and establishes their relationship. The characters are engaging and contribute to the overall tension of the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Renata's initial confusion and fear transform into determination as she realizes the gravity of the situation. Seth remains consistent in his resourcefulness and protectiveness. The scene sets up potential character arcs for both characters.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Renata and solve the puzzle of the situation they are in. This reflects his deeper need for control, his fear of failure, and his desire to make a difference.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to lose the men who are tracking them and escape from danger. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the gunmen pursuing the main characters) and internal (the characters' fear and determination). The high-speed car chase and the threat of violence create a sense of danger and urgency. The conflict is well-executed and keeps the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 9

    The opposition in this scene is strong. The protagonist is being chased by gunmen and faces the threat of harm or capture. The audience doesn't know how the situation will go, adding to the tension and suspense.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes in the scene are high as the main characters are being pursued by gunmen who are determined to stop their investigation from being released. The threat of violence and the potential consequences of failure create a sense of urgency and danger. The high stakes add tension and keep the audience engaged.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the gunmen's pursuit of the main characters and the concept of tracking and surveillance. It establishes the stakes and sets up the conflict that will drive the rest of the story. The scene is crucial in propelling the narrative forward.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as Seth tossing the phone out of the window and the car going in the opposite direction of the black sedan. These elements keep the audience guessing and create suspense.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Seth's belief in the power of choice and the randomness of life, and Renata's belief in fate and divine intervention. This challenges Seth's worldview and his belief in his own agency.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of tension, concern, and determination. The audience is invested in the characters' well-being and wants to see them escape from danger. The emotional impact is heightened by the intense car chase and the characters' dialogue.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys important information about the characters and their motivations. It reveals Seth's resourcefulness and determination, as well as Renata's confusion and fear. The dialogue also adds depth to the scene by introducing the concept of tracking and surveillance. Overall, the dialogue is well-written and contributes to the tension and suspense of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, tension, and suspense. The fast-paced dialogue and descriptive action keep the reader or viewer hooked and wanting to know what happens next.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The fast-paced dialogue and action keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatted correctly. The scene is easy to read and understand.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, moves to an interior location, and then back to an exterior location. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a high-stakes action sequence, which creates tension and suspense. However, the dialogue between Seth and Renata feels a bit forced and unnatural. It lacks depth and emotional resonance, which could make it more engaging for the audience.
    • The conversation between Seth and Renata about the eggs feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development. It seems like a random tangent that doesn't add any meaningful information or insight.
    • The dialogue between Seth and Renata could benefit from more subtext and nuance. It feels too on-the-nose and lacks subtlety. Adding layers of meaning and hidden agendas could make the scene more intriguing and suspenseful.
    • The introduction of the sicario convoy and the threat they pose to Seth and Renata is a strong plot development. However, the transition between the street and the tire shop feels abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide more visual cues or descriptions to guide the reader and enhance the flow of the scene.
    • The tension and suspense in the scene are well-executed, but there could be more sensory details to immerse the reader in the action. Describing the sounds of screeching tires, the smell of burning rubber, or the sight of panicked pedestrians could heighten the intensity of the scene.
    • The dialogue at the end of the scene, where Seth explains his motivations and Renata questions his actions, feels a bit cliché and predictable. It could benefit from more originality and complexity to keep the audience engaged.
    • Overall, the scene effectively builds tension and advances the plot, but the dialogue and character interactions could be more nuanced and engaging.
    Suggestions
    • Consider rewriting the dialogue between Seth and Renata to make it more natural and emotionally resonant. Add depth to their conversation by exploring their fears, motivations, and conflicting agendas.
    • Remove the tangent about the eggs, as it doesn't contribute to the overall story or character development. Instead, focus on developing the relationship and dynamic between Seth and Renata in a more meaningful way.
    • Add subtext and hidden agendas to the dialogue between Seth and Renata. Create layers of meaning and tension by having them say one thing while implying another.
    • Smooth out the transition between the street and the tire shop by providing more visual cues and descriptions. Guide the reader through the scene with clear and engaging imagery.
    • Enhance the sensory details in the action sequence to immerse the reader in the intensity of the moment. Use vivid descriptions of sounds, smells, and sights to create a more immersive experience.
    • Revise the dialogue at the end of the scene to make it more original and unexpected. Avoid clichés and predictable exchanges to keep the audience engaged and intrigued.
    • Consider adding more character development and emotional depth to the scene. Use the action and dialogue to reveal new facets of Seth and Renata's personalities and motivations.



    Scene 6 -  Escape from Tejon's Hitmen
    INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

    Renata looks at him as if she just spotted Bigfoot copulating
    with an alien.

    RENATA
    I don’t know if I should be more
    worried about those hitmen or the
    crazy gringo who knows too much and
    destroys my phone.

    SETH
    Both, but for different reasons.
    You need to duck.

    Renata looks confused.

    SETH
    I said, duck!

    Seth pushes her head down to her lap just as--

    A bullet goes through the windshield and hits the passenger
    seat where her head had been.
    22.


    Renata fearfully looks up.

    They see Tejon’s pickup approaching the intersection. Tejon
    hangs out the window, aiming his gun.

    He wrenches the wheel to the right and floors it. GUNSHOTS
    pop around the car.

    SETH
    You should wrap your head around
    the concept that when I tell you to
    do something, you do it. Your life
    depends on it. Got it?

    Renata stares back in shock.

    SETH
    Nod your head if you understand!

    She nods.

    SETH
    Hang on!

    Renata sees a busy intersection drawing closer. Seth doesn’t
    slow down. In fact, he punches it. Renata screams!


    EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY

    Vehicles flow in both directions at a moderate pace.

    Seth’s car passes seamlessly, impossibly, between the
    traffic, emerging unscathed on the other side and continues.

    Tejon’s pickup SLAMS on the brakes inches before crashing
    into the flow of cars crossing the intersection.


    INT. SICARIO PICKUP - DAY

    The Driver turns and sees Tejon’s calm, but disappointed
    face.


    EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY

    The hitman in the backseat hops out of the pickup, opens the
    driver’s door, hauls the Driver’s body out, a gory hole where
    his right eye was, then jumps in the driver’s seat.

    Tejon’s pickup peels out in a U-turn and ROARS off. The
    driver’s body lies there in a growing pool of blood.
    23.


    EXT. BRIDGE UNDERPASS - DAY

    Dusty and trash-strewn. Graffiti decorates the walls and
    columns.

    Seth’s car rolls over the curb and parks alongside the
    abutment.
    Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

    Summary Seth and Renata are driving when they are attacked by Tejon's hitmen. Seth saves Renata's life by pushing her head down just as a bullet goes through the windshield. They escape the hitmen by driving through a busy intersection and park at a bridge underpass.
    Strengths
    • Intense action
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    • High-stakes chase
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Lack of memorable dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and thrilling, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with intense action and suspense.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a car chase and narrow escape is executed effectively, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

    Plot: 9

    The plot advances significantly as the protagonists are pursued by hitmen, leading to a thrilling car chase and escape.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a car chase and evading hitmen is familiar, the specific details and actions of the characters add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters' actions and reactions in the scene are consistent with their established personalities, but there is limited development or depth in this particular scene.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is limited character development or change in this particular scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and escape the hitmen. This reflects their deeper need for self-preservation and their fear of being caught or killed.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the hitmen and reach safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 10

    The scene is filled with conflict, including the threat of hitmen, gunshots, and a high-speed car chase.

    Opposition: 9

    The opposition in this scene is strong, with the hitmen chasing the protagonist and posing a constant threat. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will escape or overcome this opposition.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the protagonists' lives at risk and intense pursuit by hitmen.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward as the protagonists escape from immediate danger and continue their journey.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and twists, such as the bullet going through the windshield and the car seamlessly passing through traffic. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes fear and shock in the audience, creating an emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying urgency and instructions, but it lacks depth or memorable lines.

    Engagement: 10

    This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the characters into a life-threatening situation and maintains a high level of tension throughout. The fast-paced action and dialogue keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and rhythm. The action and dialogue are tightly woven together, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters' goals and conflicts, and builds tension through action and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene is effective in conveying the tension and urgency of the situation. Renata's initial confusion and fear are well portrayed through her dialogue and reactions.
    • The action and suspense in this scene are well-paced and keep the reader engaged. The bullet going through the windshield and the subsequent car chase add to the tension and excitement.
    • The visual descriptions in this scene are vivid and help to create a clear image in the reader's mind. The busy intersection and the parked car at the bridge underpass are well-described.
    • The conflict between Seth and Tejon's hitmen is established and resolved in this scene, which provides a satisfying conclusion to the previous conflict.
    • The scene ends on a cliffhanger, leaving the reader wanting to know what will happen next.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for Renata to further develop her character and deepen the reader's connection to her.
    • Explore the possibility of adding more obstacles or challenges for Seth and Renata to overcome during the car chase to increase the tension and suspense.
    • Consider adding some dialogue or interaction between Seth and Renata during the car chase to further develop their relationship and dynamic.
    • Think about incorporating sensory details, such as the sound of screeching tires or the smell of burning rubber, to enhance the reader's experience of the car chase.
    • Consider ending the scene with a stronger cliffhanger or moment of suspense to leave the reader even more eager to continue reading.



    Scene 7 -  The Time Loop Revelation
    INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

    Seth kills the engine.

    SETH
    We’ll be safe here for a few
    minutes.

    He looks over at Renata who looks on the verge of
    hyperventilating. He puts a hand on her shoulder.

    SETH
    Hey, you’re fine. You’re okay. Here
    take this. You’ll need it.

    Seth hands Renata a cell phone.

    Her look says she thinks he’s nuts but she clutches the phone
    like a life preserver. It does the trick. Renata regains her
    composure.

    She turns and looks at the bullet hole in her headrest. Her
    finger traces the edges of it, slips inside, then she yanks
    it back as if it was hot.

    Seth types something on his phone and sends it. Renata’s
    phone DINGS.

    SETH
    Don’t read it yet.

    RENATA
    What’s going on, really? Knowing
    what I had for breakfast is one
    thing. Knowing that I’m about to be
    shot in the head is... it’s not
    normal. It’s not possible.

    Seth shifts to face her fully.

    SETH
    You ever have déjà vu?

    RENATA
    ...Sure, a few times.
    24.


    SETH
    I have it all the time.

    Renata unlocks her seatbelt. Pivots to face him. Fascinated.

    SETH
    Ximena uncovered something much
    bigger than we expected. When they
    took her... I vowed to finish what
    we started, and that’s when it
    happened. The first time, I woke up
    in this condo I rented. I showered,
    sent you a text to meet at the dog
    track. You gave me the evidence and
    the sicarios showed up--

    RENATA
    I know this. I was there.

    SETH
    And then they killed us. Right
    there in the parking lot.

    Renata gapes at him.

    SETH
    Suddenly I woke up at the condo,
    back to square one. I was hoping it
    was only a nightmare, but no such
    luck. Then the day played out the
    same way. Exactly the same. And
    then I woke up again. And again.
    Stuck in this unending cycle. I’ve
    been reliving it for so long that
    my normal life seems like a distant
    memory... I’ve tried to change it.
    I’ve noticed small variations, but
    not much more.

    RENATA
    Are you playing games with me or
    are you delusional? You can’t
    expect me to believe this.

    SETH
    Why not?

    RENATA
    Because things like that don’t
    happen!

    Renata looks at him like he is an idiot then opens the
    passenger door. As she steps out--
    25.


    SETH
    Look at your phone.

    Renata hesitates, then looks at the text he sent her:
    “Because things like that don’t happen”.

    Renata stares at the text in disbelief. She looks back to a
    stoic Seth, gets back in the car. Her face a mix of emotions.

    RENATA
    Just give me a minute. There must
    be another reason for this...

    SETH
    How about this. In your sophomore
    year at the university, you and
    Ximena took a statistics class
    taught by professor Calderon.

    Renata’s eyes lock on Seth’s.

    SETH
    But you were having a hard time
    with it. It would crater your GPA.
    Employers look at that kind of
    stuff. The day of the final exam,
    you sat behind Ximena, and copied
    her answers. You got an “A” but you
    felt like shit.

    Renata brings her hand to her mouth. A tear escapes and runs
    down her cheek.

    RENATA
    I... I never told anyone about
    that. Not even her.

    SETH
    You told me so that I could tell
    you -- right now.

    After a moment to absorb the information--

    RENATA
    But why can’t I--

    SETH
    You can’t remember anything because
    for you each day is a fresh start.
    No memory of anything. But for me,
    I’m stuck in a continuous play
    loop. I can shuffle the playlist,
    but it’s the same songs. And I know
    them all.
    26.


    RENATA
    Stop doing that! You can’t keep
    interrupting me. Even if you know
    what I’m going to say, you have to
    let me finish. Okay?

    Seth’s dour expression morphs into a grin of delight.

    SETH
    Well, what do you know, a small
    variation.

    RENATA
    ...What I said right now? Then
    perhaps today will be different.

    Seth’s lips twitches with a smile.

    SETH
    Perhaps.

    RENATA
    Okay, let’s say I believe you. How
    do we untie the loop?

    SETH
    Complete the investigation. Show it
    to the world, and find Ximena. It’s
    the only plan I can think of.

    RENATA
    I don’t care about what she was
    doing anymore. I just want to find
    her.

    SETH
    Then finishing her mission makes
    even more sense. That will lead us
    to her.

    Seth restarts the engine and pulls out.


    EXT. SLUMS - DAY

    An impoverished purgatory. A dirt road surrounded by wood and
    aluminum shacks and dilapidated houses. Seth’s car rolls up
    and parks on the side of the road.


    INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

    Renata looks around warily.
    27.


    RENATA
    I hope there’s a good reason for
    this because even cops avoid this
    area.

    Seth nods but leans forward looking intently at the biggest
    house on the road. A three-story structure.

    SETH
    See that house? That’s one of El
    Tejon’s stash houses.

    RENATA
    We’re trying to get away from these
    men and you bring us here?

    SETH
    Some of what we’re looking for is
    in there.

    Seth pockets the car keys and turns to Renata.

    SETH
    I’m going in to get it. In a couple
    of minutes, you’re going to doubt
    everything I told you. You’re gonna
    run away. Then someone will
    recognize you and you’ll be dead
    before you get to the end of the
    block. Or, you can wait for me.

    Seth exits and sneaks toward the house. As he walks away,
    Renata watches him make a series of odd spastic gestures.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

    Summary Seth and Renata park in a slum area where Seth reveals to Renata that he is stuck in a time loop, reliving the same day repeatedly. To prove his point, Seth hands Renata a cell phone and sends her a text message. They discuss their plan to complete the investigation and find Ximena. While Seth goes into a stash house to retrieve something, Renata waits in the car, still uncertain about their plan and skeptical of Seth's time loop story.
    Strengths
    • Tension-building dialogue
    • Intriguing concept
    • Engaging characters
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The concept of reliving the same day adds an innovative element to the story. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The scene also sets up a high-stakes situation and raises questions that keep the audience invested.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of reliving the same day is intriguing and adds a unique twist to the story. It creates suspense and raises questions about the nature of reality and the characters' actions.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Seth explaining the concept of reliving the same day to Renata and their mission to find Ximena. It effectively sets up the main conflict and goal of the story.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a time loop and investigating a mystery is not entirely unique, the specific details and character dynamics add some freshness to the familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and relatable.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Seth and Renata are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are effectively conveyed through their dialogue and actions. Seth's determination and knowledge of the loop adds depth to his character, while Renata's initial skepticism and eventual acceptance create an interesting dynamic.

      Character Changes: 8

      Renata undergoes a change in her beliefs and perception of reality as she begins to accept Seth's explanation. This change sets her on a new path and drives her motivation to find Ximena.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Renata to believe his story and join him in completing the investigation and finding Ximena. This reflects his deeper need for closure and his desire to break free from the cycle he is trapped in.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve something from the stash house that is related to the investigation. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in their mission.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Seth tries to convince Renata of the truth and the urgency of their mission. There is also an external conflict implied by the presence of El Tejon's stash house and the danger it represents.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Renata initially doubts the protagonist's story and challenges his beliefs, but eventually shows signs of acceptance and willingness to continue the mission.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene as Seth and Renata are in danger from El Tejon's men and their mission to find Ximena is crucial to their survival. The presence of the stash house adds a sense of danger and urgency.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the concept of the loop, the characters' motivations, and their mission to find Ximena. It sets up the next stage of the plot and raises questions that keep the audience engaged.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the concept of a time loop and presents unexpected revelations about the protagonist's experiences.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, curiosity, confusion, and determination. The revelation of personal information about Renata adds an emotional layer to the scene.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the concept of the loop. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and conflict, reveals important information about the protagonist's situation, and creates tension through the dialogue and character dynamics.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense through the dialogue and character interactions.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Seth killing the engine and telling Renata they'll be safe for a few minutes. This abrupt transition from the previous scene could be smoother and more seamless.
      • The dialogue between Seth and Renata feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more pauses and moments of reflection.
      • The revelation of Seth being stuck in a time loop and reliving the same day over and over again is a major plot point, but it feels somewhat rushed and could be given more time and attention.
      • The emotional impact of Renata discovering that Seth knows personal details about her, such as her cheating on a test, could be heightened with more emphasis on her reaction and internal struggle.
      • The transition from Seth explaining the time loop to discussing their plan to complete the investigation and find Ximena feels abrupt and could be smoother.
      • The scene ends with Seth going into the stash house and Renata waiting in the car, but there is no clear sense of tension or anticipation for what is about to happen next.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding a brief transition or establishing shot to smoothly transition from the previous scene to Seth's car.
      • Allow for more pauses and moments of reflection in the dialogue to give the audience time to absorb the information and emotions.
      • Give more weight and significance to Seth's revelation about the time loop by allowing Renata to process and react to it in a more profound way.
      • Explore Renata's internal struggle and conflicting emotions when she realizes that Seth knows personal details about her. This can add depth to her character and create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
      • Smoothly transition from the discussion of the time loop to the plan to complete the investigation and find Ximena by finding a natural segue or bridge between the two topics.
      • Create a sense of tension and anticipation at the end of the scene by adding a visual or dialogue cue that hints at the danger or challenges they will face in the stash house.



      Scene 8 -  Intense Combat and Unresolved Mystery
      EXT. STASH HOUSE - DAY

      Seth approaches the gate. He vaults over it, heads up the
      stairs to the front door and waits. VOICES comes from inside.

      He looks at his watch and pulls out his gun. He closes his
      eyes and gestures as he recalls the steps.

      SETH
      (sotto)
      Shoot him. Elbow. Whip. Shoot two.
      Duck. Flip. Shoot. Roll. Kick.
      Throat punch. Grab gun. Shoot. Rush
      upstairs. Throw guy.

      Seth readies himself. The door swings open. THUG 1 steps out
      and Seth SHOOTS him in the forehead and moves forward. The
      body slumps down.
      28.


      INT. STASH HOUSE FIRST FLOOR - DAY

      Seth enters and elbows THUG 2 in the face and whips him
      forward using him as a human shield. Several bullets riddle
      Thug 2’s back.

      Seth shoves Thug 2’s body aside, FIRES at THUG 3 and THUG 4.
      They drop.

      Seth ducks as THUG 5 charges from behind. Seth uses his
      momentum and flips him over then delivers a double tap with
      the pistol.

      Seth rolls forward and kicks the swinging kitchen door, it
      SMASHES back into someone attempting to enter. A CRASH comes
      from behind the door.

      Seth reaches behind himself and grabs the gun-wielding wrist
      of THUG 6, pulls him forward and snaps his elbow. The gun
      falls.

      Seth uses Thug 6’s arm as a fulcrum to drive him head first
      into a glass coffee table covered with bags of cocaine. The
      glass shatters and a white cloud erupts.

      Seth turns back to the kitchen as THUG 7 and THUG 8 barrel
      down the stairs behind him. Seth casually no-look shoots
      them.

      A tremendously obese man, PERESOZO, bursts through the
      kitchen door wielding a chef’s knife. His nose, smashed like
      a wad of bubble gum on his face, drips blood.

      PEREZOSO
      I’m going to cut you like a roasted
      pig, cabrón!

      Perezoso charges slashing the knife in vicious swipes.

      Seth dodges each swipe with preternatural ease and grace.
      Ducking, leaning, and side-stepping an inch ahead of the
      blade.

      Perezoso froths at the mouth in rage.

      PEREZOSO
      Pinche puto!

      Seth smacks Peresozo on the forehead.

      SETH
      Such language, sheesh.
      29.


      Peresozo gives three haymaker swings with his knife and
      misses each time. He rests his hand on his hip, out of breath
      and stares at Seth.

      Seth considers Peresozo and points his gun over his shoulder
      and shoots THUG 9 as he pokes out from the kitchen door.

      SETH
      So, are we gonna do this the easy
      way or the hard way?

      Peresozo sneers at Seth and rushes forward with a howl.

      Seth shoots Peresozo in the mouth. Peresozo skids forward on
      his face, stopping right at Seth’s feet.

      Behind Seth, a Thin Man creeps down the stairs, armed with an
      AK-47. He raises the weapon quietly and unleashes its fury!

      Seth drops at the same instant, using Peresozo’s body as a
      human berm.


      INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

      Renata sits in the passenger seat watching the house nearly
      clutching her throat in dismay and fear. It sounds like a
      WARZONE. The distinct staccato BURSTS of a MACHINE GUN. Then
      it goes quiet. A dog BARKS twice.

      Renata looks around the vacant neighborhood then at the door
      handle.

      Her trembling hand reaches for the handle when her phone
      RINGS. She startles then takes the call.

      RENATA
      H-hello?

      SETH (CELL PHONE)
      Coast is clear. Come inside.


      EXT. SLUMS - DAY

      Renata steps out of Seth’s car. She looks to the stash house
      and then down the empty road with longing.


      INT. STASH HOUSE FIRST FLOOR - DAY

      Renata enters, stepping over the body of Thug 1, her face a
      mask of horrified wonder.
      30.


      Laid out before her in tableau: the morbid results of a one-
      sided battle. Lifeless bodies all over the floor.

      She ventures further inside and sees Seth laboriously
      dragging Peresozo’s corpse toward the stairs.

      Renata takes in the morbid scene for a moment.

      RENATA
      What are you?

      Seth drops Peresozo and SIGHS.

      SETH
      I’m not a superhero, or special in
      any way. I’m just a guy who saw the
      answers before taking the exam.

      He grabs Peresozo’s hands and strains to pull him.

      SETH
      Give me a hand here.


      INT. STASH HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - DAY

      A cache of assault rifles laid out like lovers on the bed.
      Peresozo’s legs protrude from a walk-in closet.


      INT. WALK-IN CLOSET - DAY

      Renata and Seth, sweaty and catching their breath. Seth
      shoves aside hanging coats to reveal a large modern safe.

      Seth kneels and examines the combination pad. A red light
      shines next to it. He lifts Peresozo’s hand and presses the
      man’s thumb against the pad. The light turns green and the
      lock CLICKS and the safe door cracks open.

      RENATA
      We dragged this... ballena... all
      this way... just for that?

      SETH
      You never liked it when I cut off
      the thumb.

      Off of Renata’s bemused grimace, Seth opens the safe door.
      31.


      INSIDE THE SAFE

      A folder of documents. Stacks of cash. A few ornate pistols,
      ranging from vintage to modern firearms.


      BACK TO SCENE

      Seth hands Renata the folder of documents. Renata thumbs
      through them. A list of names and large transactions.

      RENATA
      Some important names here...

      SETH
      Yeah a real Who’s Who of assholes.
      Getting the second half of the list
      is the tough part.

      Seth then selects a pistol, a gold-plated 9mm with mother-of-
      pearl hand grips and secures it his waistband.


      INT. STASH HOUSE FIRST FLOOR - DAY

      Before Seth and Renata leave, she detects movement on the
      floor. She goes over and kneels by--

      Thin Man, on his back, barely hanging on to life with a
      bullet hole to the chest and another to his stomach.

      RENATA
      Where is Ximena?

      Thin Man slowly looks at her. A bloody spit bubble forms on
      his half-opened mouth.

      Seth stops at the front door and turns, sees Renata.

      SETH
      Hey, we should go.

      Renata takes Thin Man’s hand.

      RENATA
      Ximena Valdez. Where did you take
      her? Is she alive? Please tell me.

      His gaze fixes and his breathing stops for good.

      After a moment of consternation, Renata, still holding Thin
      Man’s hand, bows her head and closes her eyes in prayer.

      Seth has seen enough. He pulls her up by the arm.
      32.


      SETH
      Let’s go.

      They exit the house.
      Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

      Summary In this scene, Seth enters a stash house and effortlessly takes out multiple armed thugs using his expert combat skills. He retrieves a folder of documents and cash from a safe. Renata accompanies him and discovers a dying Thin Man who is unable to reveal the whereabouts of Ximena Valdez. Despite their success in retrieving the items, the mystery surrounding Ximena Valdez remains unresolved. Seth and Renata exit the stash house, leaving behind unanswered questions.
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequences
      • Engaging and thrilling
      • Well-executed combat scenes
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and thrilling, with intense action and suspense. The reader is drawn into the high-stakes situation and the protagonist's exceptional combat skills make for an exciting and memorable scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a skilled protagonist taking on a group of armed thugs in a stash house is not entirely unique, but the execution and the protagonist's abilities make it compelling.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's mission to retrieve important documents and the intense action sequences that unfold as he fights his way through the stash house. The plot is fast-paced and keeps the reader engaged.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and action sequences are familiar tropes in the action genre, the specific details and character interactions bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters in the scene are not deeply explored, but the protagonist's skills and resourcefulness are showcased effectively. Renata's concern and fear add some emotional depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      There is not much character change in the scene, but the protagonist's skills and resourcefulness are showcased, highlighting his capabilities.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully complete the mission of clearing out the stash house and retrieving important documents. This reflects his need for accomplishment, his fear of failure, and his desire to protect Renata.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to clear out the stash house and eliminate the threats inside. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, which include the presence of armed thugs and the need to retrieve important documents.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with intense conflict as the protagonist fights his way through the stash house, facing multiple armed thugs and a formidable opponent. The conflict keeps the reader on the edge of their seat.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing armed thugs and a formidable opponent in Peresozo. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in the scene as the protagonist faces armed thugs and a formidable opponent. The outcome of the fight and the retrieval of the documents are crucial for the protagonist's mission.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by advancing the protagonist's mission to retrieve important documents and providing crucial information about the antagonist.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist using a thug as a human shield and the sudden appearance of a Thin Man with an AK-47. These elements keep the audience guessing and add to the tension.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes fear, tension, and a sense of adrenaline. The reader is emotionally invested in the protagonist's survival and Renata's concern adds some emotional depth.

      Dialogue: 6

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal and mostly consists of brief exchanges during combat. It serves its purpose in conveying the action and the characters' intentions.

      Engagement: 10

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with intense action, suspenseful moments, and a sense of danger. The reader or viewer is drawn into the scene and invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action sequences are well-paced, and the dialogue adds to the overall momentum.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an exterior location, moves to interior locations, and ends with a transition to a new location.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Seth reciting a series of steps to himself before taking out the thugs. While this adds an element of preparation and expertise to Seth's character, it may be more effective to show his skills in action rather than having him narrate them.
      • The action sequences are described in a detailed and vivid manner, which helps to create a clear picture of the fight scenes. However, the scene could benefit from more variety in the types of actions and moves Seth uses to defeat the thugs. This would make the fight scenes more dynamic and engaging for the audience.
      • The dialogue between Seth and Peresozo is somewhat cliché and lacks depth. It would be more interesting to explore their relationship and motivations further, adding layers to their interaction.
      • The transition from the stash house to Seth's car and then to the slums feels abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide some context or description to establish the new setting and the characters' emotions and thoughts during the transition.
      • The scene ends with Renata praying over the dying Thin Man, which adds an emotional and reflective moment. However, it would be beneficial to explore Renata's emotions and thoughts in more depth to create a stronger connection between her and the audience.
      Suggestions
      • Instead of having Seth recite the steps to himself, show his skills in action as he takes out the thugs. This will make the scene more visually engaging and allow the audience to see Seth's expertise firsthand.
      • Add more variety to the fight scenes by incorporating different types of actions and moves. This will make the scenes more dynamic and exciting for the audience.
      • Develop the dialogue between Seth and Peresozo to add depth and complexity to their interaction. Explore their motivations and relationship further to create more tension and intrigue.
      • Smooth out the transitions between scenes by providing context and description to establish the new setting and the characters' emotions and thoughts during the transition.
      • Explore Renata's emotions and thoughts in more depth during the prayer scene to create a stronger connection between her and the audience. Show her internal struggle and the impact of the situation on her.



      Scene 9 -  Tension and Witnessing Evil
      EXT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

      Seth and Renata jump in the car. The engine ignites. Seth
      does a three-point turn and peels off.


      INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

      Seth glares at Renata.

      SETH
      What the hell was that?

      RENATA
      A prayer.

      SETH
      But for him?

      RENATA
      I was taught to pray for the dying.
      Friend or enemy.

      SETH
      He’s responsible for the deaths of
      dozens, if not hundreds, of people
      and besides--

      RENATA
      Everyone needs forgiveness. Even
      the worst of us.

      SETH
      What if he killed Ximena?

      Renata turns to him, then looks ahead.

      RENATA
      Everyone.

      SETH
      Are you a journalist or are you a
      priest?

      RENATA
      It is possible for a reporter to
      have faith. In Mexico, it’s almost
      a job requirement.
      33.


      SETH
      If you don’t mind, I’d rather stick
      to the facts today and leave the
      superstitious stuff out.

      RENATA
      You do things how you like, and
      I’ll do what I know is right.

      Seth shakes his head in frustration. No use arguing about it.

      RENATA
      Another variation, yes?

      SETH
      Yes. An annoying one.

      As they leave the fringes of the city, Renata views a group
      of children go inside a neighborhood mini market.


      INT. FAUSTO’s TIENDITA - DAY (FLASHBACK)

      A corner market offering a little bit of everything. YOUNG
      RENATA (10), wearing a grin of abiding innocence, takes two
      Fanta’s from the cooler.

      YOUNG XIMENA (10), dashes up to Young Renata clutching two
      bags of Takis Fuego as if they were the Holy Grail in spicy
      corn chip form.

      YOUNG XIMENA
      Nata! I found them. The last two!

      YOUNG RENATA
      But Dolores said no snacks, just
      drinks.

      YOUNG XIMENA
      She won’t know. Just don’t get it
      all over your face like usual.

      Young Renata playfully pushes her.

      YOUNG RENATA
      I’ll just wipe my fingers on your
      face then!

      They burst into shrieking giggles and rush to the counter.

      FAUSTO (52), paunchy and balding, with a grizzled goatee
      enters the aisle. He rings up a customer.
      34.


      FAUSTO
      What are you two doing? What’s so
      funny?

      YOUNG RENATA
      We’re sorry for making so much
      noise, Fausto. We were just--

      Fausto waves his hand. He leans over the counter, looks them
      straight in their eyes.

      FAUSTO
      I’m kidding, girls. Never apologize
      for being happy. I wish more of my
      customers had such a good time
      these days.

      Young Renata absorbs the words then hands over the money and
      they take their items.


      YOUNG RENATA & YOUNG XIMENA
      Thank you, Fausto.

      As the girls approach the exit, two rough and imposing men
      brush past them, while the THIRD MAN holds the door for the
      them, then enters.

      Young Renata looks back with concern as the door closes.


      EXT. STREET - DAY

      A brilliant, hot, cloudless day. Young Renata and Young
      Ximena jaywalk diagonally from Fausto’s store. Young Renata
      shares from her bag of corn chips.

      SHOUTS and CRASHING. The girls whip around.

      Two of the men drag Fausto out of the store, followed by the
      Third Man. They throw Fausto onto the street. Fausto
      struggles up to his knees.

      Young Renata lurches forward but Young Ximena grabs her in a
      bear hug, pulling her back. They struggle. Their items cast
      to the ground, forgotten.

      THIRD MAN
      Let this be a lesson to you all!
      Pay for protection or nothing will
      protect you!

      The Third Man draws a pistol and SHOOTS Fausto in the back of
      the head!
      35.


      Young Renata and Young Ximena scream!

      The Third Man FIRES four more into his corpse. They run off.

      Young Renata ceases her struggles and sinks to her knees and
      Young Ximena goes with her.

      YOUNG RENATA
      This place is evil! I hate it!

      YOUNG XIMENA
      Shh. We’ll make it better. We will.

      Young Ximena rocks Young Renata as they cry.
      Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

      Summary Seth and Renata argue about Renata's prayer for a dying man before leaving the house. In a flashback, Young Renata and Young Ximena witness the murder of Fausto at a corner market. The scene ends with the two girls crying together.
      Strengths
      • Strong emotional impact
      • Compelling characters
      • Thought-provoking themes
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more concise

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively conveys a sense of tension and emotion, while also exploring important themes. The dialogue is well-written and the characters are compelling.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of forgiveness and the impact of violence on young characters is thought-provoking and adds depth to the story.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around the aftermath of a violent incident and the characters' reactions to it. It effectively engages the audience and moves the story forward.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and themes are familiar, the specific situations and character interactions bring a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. The relationship between Seth and Renata is particularly interesting.

      Character Changes: 8

      The scene shows a glimpse of how the violent incident has affected Young Renata, setting up potential character development in the future.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand Renata's perspective on forgiveness and faith. It reflects Seth's deeper need for justice and his fear of letting go of anger and revenge.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue their journey in the car and investigate the deaths of Ximena and others. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their pursuit of truth and justice.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a conflict between Seth and Renata regarding their beliefs and approaches to the situation. The violent incident also adds a sense of external conflict.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Seth and Renata have conflicting beliefs and goals. The audience is unsure of how their argument will resolve and what impact it will have on their investigation.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters are confronted with the aftermath of a violent incident and must grapple with their beliefs and emotions.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene provides important backstory and deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations. It also sets up potential conflicts and character arcs.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected moments, such as Renata's prayer and Seth's reaction to it. The flashback also adds a surprising and emotional element to the scene.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Seth's belief in sticking to the facts and leaving out superstition, and Renata's belief in forgiveness and faith. This challenges Seth's values of justice and revenge, and forces him to question his worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and anger, through the portrayal of the violent incident and the characters' reactions to it.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their beliefs. It also adds tension and conflict to the scene.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict between the protagonist and Renata, raises questions about justice and forgiveness, and includes a flashback that adds emotional depth to the characters.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotion with moments of reflection and introspection. It keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue tags, and character names.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, concise action lines, and dialogue formatted correctly.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Seth and Renata jumping into the car and driving away, but there is no clear transition from the previous scene. It would be helpful to have a brief description or action that connects the two scenes.
      • The dialogue between Seth and Renata about the prayer feels forced and on-the-nose. It lacks subtlety and nuance, making it less believable and engaging for the audience.
      • The flashback to Young Renata and Young Ximena at the corner market is a significant departure from the present-day action and feels out of place. It interrupts the flow of the scene and may confuse the audience.
      • The dialogue in the flashback scene is somewhat cliché and lacks depth. It would benefit from more authentic and unique dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and emotions.
      • The transition from the present-day scene to the flashback scene is abrupt and could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to indicate the shift in time and setting.
      • The emotional impact of the flashback scene could be heightened by adding more sensory details and vivid descriptions. This would help the audience connect with the characters and their experiences.
      • The scene ends abruptly after the flashback, leaving the audience hanging without a clear resolution or connection to the present-day story. Consider adding a concluding action or dialogue that ties the flashback to the current situation.
      Suggestions
      • To improve the scene, consider adding a brief action or description that connects it to the previous scene, providing a smoother transition for the audience.
      • Rewrite the dialogue between Seth and Renata about the prayer to make it more nuanced and realistic. Show their conflicting beliefs and emotions through subtext and subtle gestures.
      • Reconsider the placement of the flashback scene. If it is essential to the story, find a more organic way to integrate it into the narrative flow.
      • Revise the dialogue in the flashback scene to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
      • Use visual or auditory cues to indicate the shift from the present-day scene to the flashback scene, helping the audience understand the change in time and setting.
      • Enhance the emotional impact of the flashback scene by adding sensory details and vivid descriptions that immerse the audience in the characters' experiences.
      • Provide a clear resolution or connection to the present-day story at the end of the scene, ensuring a satisfying conclusion for the audience.



      Scene 10 -  Disappearance and Suspicion
      INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)

      News radio PLAYS in the background. Renata watches the
      cityscape blur by. Her thoughts seem miles away but--

      RENATA
      You said your life seems like a
      distant memory. What did you mean?

      Seth looks surprised by the question, then reverts his gaze
      to the road ahead.

      SETH
      I’ve been stranded here so long
      it’s getting harder to remember the
      good moments, or the people I was
      closest to. Family, friends,
      colleagues, all swept into a
      void... most days I manage to
      convince myself they never existed,
      so I can keep moving forward.

      Seth glances at her. Renata’s face fills with pity.

      Seth grunts out a cough to choke back his emotion.

      SETH
      Yeah, anyway, the apartment I
      rented is out of the way so we’ll
      grab something here.

      Renata looks at him curiously.

      RENATA
      If there are variations, how can
      you predict anything?

      Seth looks relieved at the subject change.
      36.


      SETH
      Variations almost always happen at
      the beginning. They set the course
      for the choices you make through
      the day. But every once in a while,
      you get a variation in the middle.

      Renata turns to face him.

      RENATA
      Okay, but you’ve seen two of them
      today already.

      SETH
      Yes... and both came from you.

      RENATA
      So that’s a good thing.

      SETH
      Or, we’re as good as dead.

      Seth reaches behind his seat for something.

      RENATA
      I really wish I had some--

      Seth brings up a sports drink bottle and offers it to her.

      SETH
      Electrolit, strawberry kiwi. Your
      favorite.

      Renata takes it in awe.

      RENATA
      Yes that’s... thank you.

      Renata studies Seth as she takes a sip.

      SETH
      And no Takis Fuego. That’s what you
      ask for next.

      She lowers the drink with a look of surprise, a question on
      her lips.

      SETH
      I’ve brought them before, but you
      always get spicy red fingerprints
      on the documents, then it looks
      like a third grader’s homework.
      37.


      RENATA
      That sounds like me.

      A grin creeps across her face along with a blush. Then the
      moment fades as she sinks back into her thoughts.

      A special report interrupts the program. Seth cranks it up.

      REPORTER (RADIO)
      ...A shootout that started at the
      Caliente Greyhound Racetrack. It
      continued through the city and
      resulted in one fatality with the
      body dumped at the intersection of
      Juan Sarabia and Quintana Roo.

      Renata looks with interest at the radio and back at Seth.

      REPORTER
      In a possibly related incident, a
      reporter from Norte Libre, Renata
      Diaz, is said to be missing. Her
      abandoned car was discovered at the
      racetrack. An American citizen is
      suspected of abducting her.
      Authorities say...

      Renata reaches over and lowers the volume.

      RENATA
      They’re blaming you?

      SETH
      El Tejon is an influential bastard
      with plenty of money to go around.


      INT. STASH HOUSE FIRST FLOOR - DAY

      Tejon surveys the carnage, walking from body to body. Three
      of his men and two policemen inspect the bodies. One of his
      men, MENDIGO (40), approaches him.

      MENDIGO
      Could have been the Sinaloa cartel.

      TEJON
      Have you ever seen the Sinaloa kill
      without torturing them and keeping
      their severed heads as a souvenir?

      Tejon looks behind him at the corpse at the entrance.
      38.


      TEJON
      First, they waited for the door to
      open. An ambush. One down. They
      came inside...

      EL Tejon looks down at the body with his back riddled with
      bullet holes.

      TEJON
      Then grabbed this pathetic thing as
      a human shield before shooting back
      at these two failures...

      He indicates the two bodies nearby.

      TEJON
      And then... well then it was a
      symphony of bullets. Lethal musical
      notes flying through the air...
      except all the bullets going this
      direction...

      Tejon gestures from the back of the house towards the front.

      TEJON
      ...completely missed the mark.
      While the ones fired at my men hit
      every target. Not a single. Bullet.
      Wasted. This... this was a
      precision hit.

      MENDIGO
      The military?

      TEJON
      If the military was making a move
      on us, I would have heard about it
      before it happened.

      Mendigo chuckles lightly.

      MENDIGO
      Maybe it was the reporter girl and
      her American friend? We saw how he
      got through the intersection.

      Tejon’s deadpan expression kills Mendigo’s amusement.

      TEJON
      No one is that lucky or that good.

      Tejon turns to one of the policemen.
      39.


      TEJON
      Officer, check with the neighbors
      and see if anyone saw something.
      Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

      Summary Renata and Seth are driving in Seth's car when they listen to a news report about a shootout and Renata's disappearance. Meanwhile, El Tejon inspects the aftermath of the shootout and suspects Renata's American friend may be involved. The scene ends with El Tejon instructing one of the policemen to check with the neighbors for any potential witnesses.
      Strengths
      • Tense dialogue
      • Mystery and suspense
      • Emotional depth
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development
      • Theme could be further developed

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the dialogue and reveals important information about the protagonist's situation. The emotional depth and conflict add to the overall impact of the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a protagonist with a fading memory who is being hunted down is intriguing and creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

      Plot: 9

      The plot progresses as the protagonist and Renata discuss their situation and the potential dangers they face. The mention of the shootout and the missing reporter adds to the intrigue and raises the stakes.

      Originality: 5

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Seth and Renata are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. Seth's struggle with his fading memories and Renata's curiosity and concern create depth.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Seth's vulnerability and Renata's growing connection to him hint at potential character development in the future.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to remember the good moments and the people he was closest to. This reflects his deeper need for connection and his fear of forgetting important aspects of his life.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to grab something to eat at a nearby place. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, such as being stranded and needing sustenance.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Seth grapples with his fading memories and the potential danger he and Renata are in. The mention of the shootout and the missing reporter also adds external conflict.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces challenges such as being stranded and potentially being blamed for the abduction of a reporter. The audience is unsure of how these challenges will be resolved.

      High Stakes: 9

      The mention of the shootout, the missing reporter, and the potential danger Seth and Renata are in create high stakes and increase the tension and suspense.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the protagonist's past, the potential danger they face, and the connection between Seth and Renata. It raises questions and increases the stakes.

      Unpredictability: 6

      This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces new information about a shootout and a missing reporter. The audience is left wondering about the connection between these events and the protagonist.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, including pity for Seth's situation and curiosity about the unfolding events. The emotional impact adds depth and engages the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their situation. The exchanges between Seth and Renata are filled with tension and emotion.

      Engagement: 7

      This scene is engaging because it reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The dialogue and emotional moments keep the audience interested in the story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of introspection and emotional depth, while also maintaining a sense of forward momentum.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by character dialogue and actions.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Renata asking Seth about his statement that his life seems like a distant memory. This is a good setup for exploring Seth's backstory and adding depth to his character.
      • However, the dialogue in this scene feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. Instead of directly stating that Seth's life is a distant memory, it could be more effective to show glimpses of his past through his actions and reactions.
      • The transition from discussing Seth's past to talking about variations in their day feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to establish a stronger connection between these two topics.
      • The introduction of the news report about the shootout and Renata's disappearance adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters. However, the dialogue surrounding this event could be more impactful and emotionally charged.
      • The scene ends with El Tejon suspecting Renata's American friend may be involved in the shootout. This creates a sense of danger and sets up potential conflicts for future scenes.
      Suggestions
      • Instead of directly stating Seth's feelings about his past, consider showing glimpses of his memories through visual cues or subtle actions.
      • Find a smoother transition between discussing Seth's past and talking about variations in their day. This could be achieved by establishing a stronger connection between these two topics.
      • Revise the dialogue surrounding the news report to make it more emotionally charged and impactful. This will help to heighten the tension and raise the stakes for the characters.
      • Consider adding more subtext and depth to the conversation between Seth and Renata. This will make the scene more engaging and allow for a deeper exploration of their relationship.
      • Continue to build on the sense of danger and potential conflicts by further developing El Tejon's suspicions and the consequences of Renata's disappearance.



      Scene 11 -  The Search for Missing Documents
      INT. WALK-IN CLOSET - DAY

      A pair of hands sift through the contents of the safe.

      A short bald man with a goatee, PELONCILLO (30), rises from
      the safe and faces Tejon. Mendingo lingers at the doorway.

      PELONCILLO
      The documents are missing, but all
      the money is here.

      TEJON
      Money was the least valuable thing
      in that safe.

      PELONCILLO
      They also took a gun.

      Tejon stiffens.

      TEJON
      Which gun?

      Tejon shoves Peloncillo out of the way and kneels by the safe
      and rummages through it.

      TEJON
      Where’s my gun?

      He rises in a fury and faces his men.

      TEJON
      Takes the documents but leaves the
      money... then steals my gun.

      Tejon walks to Mendigo, looms over him, and counts off on his
      fingers.

      TEJON
      Mendigo, there’s only two things
      that I care about. No, not my
      latest wife. Number one is my son.
      Adolfo is my legacy. Number two is
      that fucking gun that belonged to
      my father. It is my history. I
      loved it so much I put in a safe,
      guarded by eleven hard caliber men.
      They are lucky they are dead.
      40.


      The POLICEMAN enters, pulling in a terrified BOY (12).

      POLICEMAN
      This kid knows something.

      Tejon hunches down and places a hand on the Boy’s shoulder.

      TEJON
      It’s okay, don’t be scared. You saw
      who did this didn’t you?

      The Boy forces a nod.

      TEJON
      How many were there?

      BOY
      Just one.

      Tejon’s hand tightens on the Boy’s shoulder.

      TEJON
      You know what happens when children
      lie? El Cucuy takes them away.
      Their family never sees them again.

      BOY
      I only saw one man.

      In a flash, Tejon pulls a Derringer from his jacket and
      SHOOTS the Boy in his left hand. The Boy clutches his hand
      wailing in agony. Tejon aims the gun down on the Boy’s skull.

      TEJON
      I am El Cucuy and I’m going to
      count to three. If you don’t tell
      me the truth, your family will
      never see you again. One...

      BOY
      It’s the truth! It was one man that
      went inside, I swear! I heard all
      the gunshots! Then this woman also
      went inside and they left together.

      TEJON
      What did they look like? Two...

      BOY
      It was a white man with short hair.
      The woman looked like she was from
      around here.

      The Boy bursts into fresh sobs.
      41.


      TEJON
      Did he wear a brown jacket?

      The Boy nods.

      MENDIGO
      One against eleven? I guess he was
      that lucky and that good.

      TEJON
      Was he?

      Mendigo steps back. Tejon sees the Boy holding his bloody
      hand and pockets his gun inside his jacket. He leans down to
      eye-level.

      TEJON
      This is good for you. It will
      toughen you up and make you a man.

      Tejon brings up his left hand to show the boy his own bullet
      wound that scarred long ago.

      Tejon reaches inside the safe, pulls out a wad of cash, and
      places it in the boy’s uninjured hand.

      TEJON
      There you go. Take care of that
      booboo and there’s a little extra.

      With a gesture from Tejon, the Boy flees the room. Tejon
      looks back at the opened safe and slams it shut.

      TEJON
      This annoying crusader and her
      American guardian angel are out to
      vex me. I did nothing to them. I
      simply wanted to kill them because
      they interfered with my business.
      They made it personal. I will not
      rest until he and that woman, are
      in the ground.


      EXT. ROACH MOTEL - DAY

      Rundown and sleazy. The physical embodiment of stale
      cigarette smoke and booze. Seth’s car sits outside a room.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Tejon and his men search through the safe and find the documents missing but the money still there. Tejon interrogates a young boy who witnessed the robbery and learns that a white man and a local woman were responsible. Tejon expresses his anger towards the American woman and her guardian angel and vows to kill them. The scene ends with a shot of Seth's car parked outside a rundown motel.
      Strengths
      • Intense dialogue
      • Building tension
      • Revealing important plot details
      • Strong emotional impact
      Weaknesses

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly impactful and intense, effectively building tension and showcasing the brutal nature of the antagonist. The dialogue is gripping and reveals important plot details.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of a crime boss interrogating a young boy to extract information is compelling and adds depth to the antagonist's character. The importance of the stolen gun and the emotional impact on the boy create intrigue.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as Tejon learns about the robbery and the involvement of a white man and a local woman. The stakes are raised as Tejon vows to kill them and seeks revenge.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters may be familiar tropes in crime dramas, the specific dynamics and conflicts presented, such as the protagonist's obsession with his gun and the use of violence to extract information, add a fresh approach to the genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-developed, especially Tejon, who is portrayed as ruthless, violent, and obsessed with his legacy and possessions. The boy's fear and vulnerability are effectively conveyed.

        Character Changes: 7

        While there is no significant character change in this scene, it further establishes Tejon's ruthless and violent nature, solidifying his role as the main antagonist.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out who stole the documents and his gun. This reflects his deeper need for control, power, and protection of his legacy and personal history.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to interrogate the boy and gather information about the perpetrators. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the loss of valuable items and the threat to his power and reputation.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is high, both physically and emotionally. Tejon's violent interrogation of the boy creates intense conflict, and the revelation of the white man and the local woman adds to the overall tension.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges in finding the perpetrators and extracting information from the boy. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension and suspense.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene as Tejon seeks to retrieve the stolen gun and extract information about the robbery. The threat of violence and the boy's fear create a sense of urgency and danger.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the robbery and the involvement of the white man and the local woman. Tejon's determination to seek revenge sets up future conflicts.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist shooting the boy's hand and the revelation of the woman's involvement. These unexpected events keep the audience guessing and add to the suspense.

        Philosophical Conflict: 7

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in violence and intimidation as a means of control and the boy's innocence and vulnerability. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview by presenting an alternative perspective on power and justice.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, tension, and empathy for the boy. Tejon's brutality and the boy's vulnerability create a powerful emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing important plot details and showcasing the ruthless nature of Tejon. The dialogue between Tejon and the boy creates tension and adds depth to their interaction.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation, creates tension through dialogue and actions, and introduces a moral dilemma. The reader is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and actions are well-timed, creating a rhythm that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the scene.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The clarity and readability of the scene are maintained.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, presents the conflict, and builds tension through dialogue and actions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


        Critique
        • The scene starts with a pair of hands sifting through the contents of the safe, which creates intrigue and suspense. However, it is not clear whose hands they are until Peloncillo rises from the safe. It would be helpful to establish the character of Peloncillo earlier in the scene.
        • The dialogue between Peloncillo and Tejon is effective in conveying the missing documents and stolen gun, but it could benefit from more tension and urgency. The stakes should feel higher, considering the importance of the gun to Tejon.
        • The introduction of the Boy and the subsequent interrogation scene is intense and violent, which fits the tone of the screenplay. However, the transition from Tejon counting off on his fingers to the Boy entering the scene feels abrupt and could be smoother.
        • The dialogue between Tejon and the Boy is gripping and showcases Tejon's ruthless nature. However, the Boy's revelation about the white man and the woman feels slightly forced and convenient. It would be more effective if the Boy's information was revealed in a more organic way.
        • Tejon's interaction with the Boy is brutal and highlights his menacing presence. However, the scene could benefit from more emotional impact and exploration of the Boy's fear and pain.
        • The final lines of the scene, where Tejon reflects on his vendetta against the American woman and her guardian angel, effectively convey his determination and anger. However, it would be helpful to provide more context or hints about the identity of these characters to create intrigue and anticipation for future scenes.
        • The transition to the next scene at the Roach Motel is smooth and provides a clear visual of the setting. However, it would be beneficial to establish the connection between this location and the previous events to create a stronger narrative flow.
        Suggestions
        • Introduce Peloncillo earlier in the scene to establish his presence and role in the story.
        • Amplify the tension and urgency in the dialogue between Peloncillo and Tejon to heighten the stakes.
        • Smooth out the transition between Tejon counting off on his fingers and the introduction of the Boy.
        • Find a more organic way to reveal the Boy's information about the white man and the woman.
        • Explore the emotional impact of the Boy's fear and pain during the interrogation scene.
        • Provide more context or hints about the identity of the American woman and her guardian angel to create intrigue.
        • Establish a stronger connection between the events in the stash house and the subsequent scene at the Roach Motel.



        Scene 12 -  Tense Confrontation in a Motel Room
        INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

        A prison cell with cheap makeup. A ceiling fan turns lazily.
        42.


        Renata sits cross-legged on the bed before a fan of
        documents. She studies them assiduously.

        Seth sits in a chair by the window, his feet propped on the
        sill. He polishes the golden gun with a washcloth.

        RENATA
        This is a list of payouts from El
        Tejon... some city councilors. The
        mayor. Two police department
        chiefs. Hang on...

        Renata shifts the papers and picks up another document.

        RENATA SETH
        There’s money flowing across There’s money flowing across
        the border. the border.
        She shakes her head and scans the other papers.

        RENATA
        But where are those names? That
        part is--

        SETH
        With the US players. There’s not
        much we can do without it.

        Renata holds up a warning finger.

        SETH
        Sorry. I’ll try to stop. Our plan
        is to make enough noise to draw out
        the missing pieces.

        RENATA
        Noise? Is that what they are
        calling murder these days?

        SETH
        Oh, we’re back on schedule. That’s
        the Renata I know.

        RENATA
        Sarcasm? That’s your best answer?

        SETH
        What do you want me to do? Give
        them a kind word? Say a little
        prayer? These people are animals,
        and they respond to only one thing.
        Believe me, I’ve been through this
        enough to know what works.
        43.


        RENATA
        If it was working so well, you
        wouldn’t be here.

        Seth’s expression turns dour. He rises then sits at the edge
        of the bed with his back to her. He snaps on the TV, changes
        channels and settles on the news.

        Renata looks regretful.

        RENATA
        I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

        SETH
        Don’t worry about me. We have work
        to do.

        Renata collects the papers into a stack then reaches for her
        cell phone.

        SETH
        You’re not doing that.

        RENATA
        I have to let my sister know I’m
        still alive. They think you
        kidnapped me.

        Renata stares at the phone, her finger poised to dial. She
        smacks the phone.

        RENATA
        I can’t remember her phone number!

        SETH
        Nobody memorizes them these days.

        RENATA
        I have to do something. If they
        know who I am, then they know about
        Dolores! And little Eduardo!

        Renata heads for the door. Seth steps in her way. She tries
        to shove him out of the way and they struggle. He pushes her
        and she staggers back.

        Renata sees the gun on the night stand. She lunges on the
        bed, snatches it and aims it at Seth, slowly rising.

        SETH
        You are spirited today, aren't you.
        44.


        RENATA
        Get out of my way Seth! I swear
        I’ll shoot you.

        SETH
        No you won’t. We’ve been through
        this version before.

        With her free hand, Renata awkwardly pulls back the hammer.

        RENATA
        You sure about that? Maybe this is
        another variation.

        SETH
        Good point... but that only resets
        the day for me. But for you it goes
        on. You won’t save yourself or your
        sister. And even if you do by some
        miracle, you’ll live the rest of
        your days hiding from narcos, and
        knowing that you murdered me.

        Renata’s chest heaves with agitated breaths.

        SETH
        Think for a moment. If they are
        watching her, they’ll kill you
        both. Then we’ll never find Ximena,
        alive or dead. The whole
        investigation will go up in smoke.

        The muzzle of the gun looks like a giant cave.

        SETH
        Are you going to let that happen to
        Ximena? To be just another
        forgotten victim? Is that what she
        would do for you?

        Renata’s hand trembles, finger on the trigger...

        Seth steps forward calmly, leaving himself fully exposed.

        Renata holds her aim... wavers, then slowly lowers the gun.
        She plops down on the edge of the bed and sobs.

        RENATA
        I didn’t ask for any of this.

        Seth sits next to her.
        45.


        SETH
        Neither did I. But I promise you,
        we will make these bastards pay.
        Let’s finish what she started.

        RENATA
        Does anything happen to them? To my
        sister and nephew.

        SETH
        I honestly don’t know. I never make
        it through the day.

        Seth opens his hand asking for the gun. Renata returns it.

        RENATA
        But you still think we can get out
        of this?

        SETH
        I have to. I have no other choice.
        Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

        Summary Renata and Seth argue about their plan to take down El Tejon, with Renata wanting to contact her sister and Seth disagreeing. The argument escalates to Renata pointing a gun at Seth, but he manages to talk her down. They ultimately agree to continue their plan, ending the scene on a hopeful note.
        Strengths
        • Strong dialogue
        • Emotional depth
        • Tension
        Weaknesses

          Ratings
          Overall

          Overall: 9

          The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and emotional depth.


          Story Content

          Concept: 8

          The concept of a protagonist caught in a dangerous situation and having to make difficult choices is compelling.

          Plot: 9

          The plot progresses as the protagonist and Seth discuss their plan and the risks involved.

          Originality: 6

          The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (a motel room and a conversation between two characters), the dialogue and the philosophical conflict add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


          Character Development

          Characters: 9

          The characters of Renata and Seth are well-developed and their conflicting motivations create tension.

          Character Changes: 8

          Renata experiences a moment of doubt and vulnerability, showing a change in her character.

          Internal Goal: 8

          The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to protect her sister and nephew from harm. This reflects her deeper need for family and her fear of losing them.

          External Goal: 7

          The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information and make a plan to take down the people involved in the corruption scheme. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing.


          Scene Elements

          Conflict Level: 9

          There is a high level of conflict between Renata and Seth as they argue about their plan and the risks involved.

          Opposition: 9

          The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and Seth have conflicting beliefs and goals. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

          High Stakes: 10

          The stakes are high as Renata and Seth discuss the potential consequences of their actions on Renata's sister and nephew.

          Story Forward: 9

          The scene moves the story forward by revealing the risks involved in their plan and deepening the emotional stakes.

          Unpredictability: 7

          This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a philosophical conflict and leaves the audience uncertain about the protagonist's actions and choices.

          Philosophical Conflict: 9

          There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Renata's belief in justice and Seth's belief in using violence to achieve their goals. This challenges Renata's values and worldview.


          Audience Engagement

          Emotional Impact: 10

          The scene is emotionally charged, with Renata's internal struggle and her eventual breakdown.

          Dialogue: 10

          The dialogue is sharp, revealing the characters' personalities and their emotional state.

          Engagement: 9

          This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes conflict between the characters, reveals important information about the plot, and explores the emotional journey of the protagonist.

          Pacing: 8

          The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and vulnerability, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


          Technical Aspect

          Formatting: 9

          The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

          Structure: 8

          The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters' goals and conflicts, and builds tension through dialogue and actions.


          Critique
          • The scene lacks clear visual descriptions, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the setting and actions of the characters.
          • The dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtext and nuance.
          • The conflict between Renata and Seth escalates too quickly and feels forced.
          • The emotional beats of the scene could be better developed to create a stronger impact on the reader.
          • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the reader in the environment and enhance the tension.
          Suggestions
          • Provide more specific visual descriptions of the motel room, including its rundown and sleazy characteristics.
          • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to deepen the conflict between Renata and Seth.
          • Build up the conflict between Renata and Seth more gradually to make it feel more organic and believable.
          • Focus on developing the emotional beats of the scene to create a stronger impact on the reader.
          • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the tension and immerse the reader in the environment.



          Scene 13 -  Dominance and Escape
          EXT. RESTAURANT COURTYARD - DAY

          Tejon and his men lay claim to several tables. To Tejon’s
          right sits ADOLFO (14), his strapping son.

          They take bites from juicy tacos. Servers bring out more
          platters loaded with food. The few other patrons there have
          been relegated to corner tables. The men burst into laughter
          and Tejon points at RAMON (29).

          TEJON
          ...Ramon, he has a baby face, but
          he had the balls to come to my door
          ask me to sign a petition.

          PELONCILLO
          What was it for?

          TEJON
          To clean the plastic out of the
          oceans if you can believe it. So, I
          pull out my gun and aim it as his
          forehead and tell him, “Give me one
          reason not to shoot you.” And he
          says, as calm as if I had asked him
          for the time, “If you shoot me,
          you’ll be cleaning my brains from
          your carpets for a month, but if
          you just sign this I’ll be on my
          way and only have to clean the shit
          off my pants.”
          46.


          The men laugh. One playfully shoves Ramon.

          RAMON
          Yeah, it was really funny. So, Adi,
          when are you taking over for your
          father?

          Tejon laughs and the other men laugh with him. Adolfo looks
          embarrassed.

          TEJON
          And turn into a shitbag like you?

          Tejon picks up Adolfo’s left hand and shows it off. Tejon’s
          mood shifts from jovial to somber.

          TEJON
          See this hand? This is the hand of
          a surgeon or the next Fernando
          Valenzuela. This hand is the
          future!

          Tejon releases Adolfo’s hand who hides it under the table.

          A SERVER approaches the table with a tray of Dos Equis beer
          and begins placing them around the table.

          Tejon picks up a bottle then turns with a cold look and
          snatches the server’s wrist with a firm grip.

          The table goes silent...

          TEJON
          You’re new, yes?

          SERVER
          Y-yes, sir.

          TEJON
          Okay, I’ll tell you once and only
          once. When I say I want a round of
          beers, I mean Victoria. Nothing
          else. Now, you go pour this swill
          down the drain and bring me what I
          want.

          Tejon kicks him off. The server trips and falls back, loses
          his tray. Beer bottles CRASH on the patio’s tiles. The server
          picks himself up and he hastily rushes away.

          The awkward pause causes Tejon to glance at his men. He
          begins to laugh, as do the others now that it’s okay to do
          so. Tejon bites into a taco.
          47.


          Mendigo approaches the table and crouches next to Tejon.

          MENDIGO
          We’ve lost the track, but we have
          men all over the city looking.
          We’ll find them.

          Tejon sets down his half-eaten taco and wipes his mouth.

          TEJON
          I am cursed to do all of the
          thinking. We don’t have to look for
          them. We make them come to us. Does
          the girl have family?

          MENDIGO
          Yeah, a sister with a kid.

          TEJON
          Ah, the perfect honey pot. Go get
          them. The rest will take care of
          itself.

          Tejon resumes eating his taco and Mendigo moves off.


          INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

          Renata reclines against some pillows on the bed. Seth brings
          her a glass of water. She takes the glass.

          RENATA
          Thank you.

          Seth check his watch: “3:40PM”.

          SETH
          I’m going to take a quick shower.
          We leave in twenty.

          She nods as she takes a sip.

          Seth grabs the gun from the dresser next to the TV, goes into
          the bathroom and closes the door.

          Renata spies the car keys on the dresser.

          The SHOWER starts. Renata gets up, grabs a chair, and props
          it under the bathroom door knob.

          She grabs the car keys and quietly leaves the room.
          48.


          EXT. ROACH MOTEL - DAY

          Renata rushes to the car, gets inside, and starts the car. It
          rolls back and she takes off.


          INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

          Renata drives frantically, blasting the HORN at intervals.
          The scenery blurs by as she floors it.


          INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY

          Mendigo sits in the passenger seat as the DRIVER negotiates
          the traffic. Two more thugs sit in the back.

          MENDIGO
          Pinche trafico. Is there another
          way?

          DRIVER
          The whole city is a parking lot.


          EXT. STREET - DAY

          Seth’s car comes to a stop behind a wall of traffic and more
          pile up behind it.


          INT. SETH’s CAR - DAY

          Renata beats on the steering wheel in frustration and lays on
          the HORN.

          RENATA
          Muevanse!

          She looks around desperately. She sees an empty lot
          surrounded by chain link fencing. She shoves the car in
          reverse.


          EXT. STREET - DAY

          Seth’s car backs up a few inches then forces its way out of
          the traffic and bounces over the small median. Oncoming cars
          HONK as it crosses the street.

          The car accelerates and smashes through the chain link fence.
          It crosses the lot, sending up a cloud of dust, before
          finding a smaller street to pull out into.
          49.


          INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

          Renata keeps up her frenetic pace. She HONKS the horn at
          intersections, but doesn’t stop, closing her eyes in a brief
          prayer each time.


          EXT. STREET - DAY

          Seth’s car approaches the Tijuana slums.


          EXT. STREET - DAY

          The traffic starts to move. The Pickup Truck finds an opening
          and guns it.


          EXT. TOP OF THE HILL - DAY

          Seth’s car comes to an abrupt and crooked stop under a tree.
          Renata bolts out of the car and heads toward the stairway.


          EXT. STAIRWAY - DAY

          Renata dashes down the stair with reckless abandon.
          Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

          Summary Tejon and his men take over a restaurant courtyard, asserting their dominance over other patrons. Tejon humiliates a server who brings the wrong beer. Mendigo updates Tejon on their search for Renata and Seth. Meanwhile, Renata escapes a motel and drives frantically towards Tijuana, with Seth trying to reassure her. The scene ends with Renata running down a stairway in the Tijuana slums.
          Strengths
          • Witty dialogue
          • Character dynamics
          • Tension building
          Weaknesses
          • Lack of deep emotional impact

          Ratings
          Overall

          Overall: 8

          The scene effectively combines humor and tension, introduces important plot elements, and develops the characters of Tejon and Adolfo.


          Story Content

          Concept: 7

          The concept of a criminal organization gathering at a restaurant and discussing their plans is not entirely unique, but the scene adds depth through the dialogue and character interactions.

          Plot: 8

          The plot progresses as Tejon discusses his encounter with Ramon and reveals his plan to use Renata's family as bait. The tension builds as Renata escapes and the chase begins.

          Originality: 7

          The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a powerful figure asserting dominance is a familiar one, the specific details and dialogue add a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


          Character Development

          Characters: 9

          Tejon is portrayed as a powerful and intimidating leader, while Adolfo is shown as embarrassed by his father's behavior. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

          Character Changes: 6

          There is not a significant character change in this scene, but it further establishes the dynamics between Tejon and Adolfo.

          Internal Goal: 8

          The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and maintain his reputation as a powerful and intimidating figure. This reflects his deeper need for control, respect, and validation.

          External Goal: 7

          The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the girl and her family in order to use them as leverage. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his pursuit of power and control.


          Scene Elements

          Conflict Level: 8

          There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in the power dynamics within the criminal organization and the impending chase.

          Opposition: 8

          The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles in asserting his dominance and maintaining control. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved, adding to the tension and unpredictability of the scene.

          High Stakes: 8

          The stakes are high as Tejon plans to use Renata's family as bait and the chase begins.

          Story Forward: 9

          The scene moves the story forward by introducing important plot elements and setting up the chase.

          Unpredictability: 7

          This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as Tejon's interaction with the server and Renata's escape from the motel room. These elements add suspense and keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

          Philosophical Conflict: 6

          There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Tejon's belief in power and dominance and Ramon's belief in standing up for what he believes in, even in the face of danger. This challenges Tejon's values and worldview, as he sees Ramon's actions as foolish and insignificant.


          Audience Engagement

          Emotional Impact: 7

          The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to tension, but does not have a deep emotional impact.

          Dialogue: 9

          The dialogue is witty and humorous, showcasing the characters' personalities and establishing their relationships. The conversation between Tejon and Ramon is particularly memorable.

          Engagement: 8

          This scene is engaging because it combines humor, tension, and suspense to create a compelling and dynamic atmosphere. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the plot keep the audience invested in the scene.

          Pacing: 8

          The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and suspense with moments of humor and dialogue. This creates a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the scene.


          Technical Aspect

          Formatting: 9

          The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

          Structure: 9

          The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses the plot through dialogue and action.


          Critique
          • The scene starts off with Tejon and his men taking over the restaurant courtyard, which sets a tense and threatening tone. However, the dialogue and interactions between the characters lack depth and complexity. The conversation about Ramon's petition feels forced and doesn't add much to the overall story. The scene could benefit from more meaningful and impactful dialogue that reveals more about the characters and their motivations.
          • The interaction between Tejon and the server is meant to show Tejon's power and dominance, but it comes across as cliché and predictable. The server's mistake with the beer feels contrived and doesn't contribute much to the conflict or character development. It would be more effective to find a different way to demonstrate Tejon's authority and control.
          • The transition to the motel room with Renata and Seth feels abrupt and disjointed. There is no clear connection between the two locations and it feels like two separate scenes put together. The transition could be smoother and more seamless to maintain the flow of the story.
          • The tension and urgency of Renata's escape from the motel room and her frantic driving through the streets of Tijuana are well-conveyed. However, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the reader's experience and create a more vivid and immersive atmosphere.
          • The scene ends with Renata running down a stairway in the Tijuana slums, which leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation and curiosity about what will happen next. Overall, the scene effectively builds tension and advances the plot, but it could be strengthened with more nuanced dialogue, smoother transitions, and richer visual descriptions.
          Suggestions
          • Consider revising the dialogue between Tejon and his men to make it more meaningful and revealing of their characters and motivations. Focus on creating more depth and complexity in their interactions.
          • Find a different way to demonstrate Tejon's power and dominance without relying on clichéd scenes like the server's mistake with the beer. Look for more unique and impactful ways to showcase Tejon's authority.
          • Improve the transition between the restaurant courtyard and the motel room to create a smoother and more seamless flow. Find a way to connect the two locations and make the transition feel more organic.
          • Enhance the tension and urgency of Renata's escape and frantic driving through the streets of Tijuana by adding more visual descriptions and sensory details. Paint a vivid and immersive picture for the reader.
          • Consider ending the scene with a stronger and more impactful moment that leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation and curiosity. Find a way to create a cliffhanger or a compelling image that lingers in the reader's mind.



          Scene 14 -  Escape from Danger
          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          Eduardo sits at the table doing homework. A Third Place
          Ribbon is pinned to his uniform.

          Renata bursts in through the front door.

          EDUARDO
          Tia!

          Eduardo leaps from his seat and hugs Renata.

          Dolores sprints into the room, her nursing uniform in
          disarray beneath tear-streaked makeup. She pulls them both
          into an embrace.

          DOLORES
          Nata! Are you hurt? We were so
          worried!

          RENATA
          We need to get out of here now.

          DOLORES
          Why? What’s happening?
          50.


          EXT. BOTTOM OF THE HILL - DAY

          The Pickup truck arrives and double parks. The four men jump
          out, pistols in hand, and move to the stairs.


          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          Renata tugs at Dolores’s arm.

          RENATA
          I don’t have time to explain. We
          need to go!

          Eduardo dashes out of the kitchen.

          RENATA
          Eduardo! No!

          The two women race after him.


          EXT. STAIRWAY - DAY

          The four men charge up the steps. Neighbors close blinds and
          shut doors as the men pass.


          INT. EDUARDO’s BEDROOM - DAY

          Eduardo looks frantically around his room.

          RENATA
          Eduardo stop! We have to go now!

          Eduardo wraps his hand around an action figure.

          Dolores grabs Eduardo and all three head to the hallway.


          EXT. RENATA’s HOUSE - DAY

          The four sicarios arrive at the front door. Mendigo nods. The
          Driver readies to kick the door.


          INT. RENATA’s KITCHEN - DAY

          The door swings open into an empty room. The four men rush
          in. Mendigo stops at the table while the three others file
          down the hallway and search.

          MENDIGO
          Buenas tardes!
          51.


          The three men return. The Driver shrugs his shoulders and
          shakes his head.

          Regretfully, Mendigo pulls out his cell and presses a button.

          TEJON (CELL PHONE)
          So?

          MENDIGO
          They’re not here.

          TEJON
          Don’t you fucking come back until
          you find them.

          CLICK. Mendigo looks at the phone and pockets it.

          Mendigo points at the other two thugs.

          MENDIGO
          You stay here and you go look in
          the neighborhood. We’ll go check
          the hospital.

          Mendigo snaps at the Driver and they exit, BEARDED THUG
          follows.


          POV THROUGH LEAVES

          Mendigo and the Driver hurry down the steps and disappear
          from view.

          Bearded Thug begins hunting through the neighborhood.


          EXT. ADJACENT PROPERTY - DAY

          Renata peeks from some shrubbery hugging the side of the
          house. She turns back. A terrified Dolores hugs Eduardo.

          RENATA
          Follow me.

          Renata leads them through a dirt pathway between the homes,
          making their way to the top of the hill.

          Renata catches a glimpse of Bearded Thug who is on a
          collision course with them. She pulls Dolores and Eduardo in
          a different direction.

          They zig-zag between houses until they turn a corner and
          stare at a dirt incline. They scale up towards the top.
          52.


          Bearded Thug rounds the corner behind them and grins, gun
          aimed.

          BEARDED THUG
          Where are you going so fast?

          Renata, Dolores and Eduardo freeze and turn. Panic sets in.

          DOLORES
          Please don’t hurt us.

          BEARDED THUG
          Shut up and come this way.

          Renata, Dolores, and Edwardo remain fossilized in fear.

          BEARDED THUG
          Are you deaf? I told you--

          MRS. GARIBAY (O.S.)
          Hey!

          Bearded Thug spins and THWACK! The blade of a shovel smacks
          him in the face and knocks him out. The gun slides out of his
          hand.

          Mrs. Garibay holds the shovel and looms over the thug. Renata
          rushes to Mrs. Garibay for a hug.

          MRS. GARIBAY
          These monsters think we’ll never
          fight back. They’re wrong.

          Mrs. Garibay picks up the gun and offers it to Renata.

          RENATA
          No, I don’t believe in them.

          MRS. GARIBAY
          You don’t have to believe for it to
          work.

          DOLORES
          I’ll take it.

          Dolores takes the gun. Renata shrugs in resignation then
          takes Mrs. Garibay’s hand.

          MRS. GARIBAY
          Let’s leave before he wakes up.

          Renata, Dolores, and Eduardo crest the hill and move for
          Seth’s car.
          53.
          Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

          Summary Renata bursts into Eduardo's house and urgently tells him and Dolores to leave immediately as four armed men arrive. They flee and are chased by the men, but are saved by Mrs. Garibay who knocks out one of the thugs with a shovel. They continue running and eventually reach Seth's car, driving away to safety.
          Strengths
          • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
          • Well-developed characters
          • Effective use of dialogue to convey urgency and fear
          • Strong emotional impact
          Weaknesses

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is highly engaging and intense, effectively building tension and suspense. The dialogue is concise and impactful, conveying the urgency of the situation. The characters' emotions are palpable, evoking fear and empathy in the audience. The scene also effectively advances the plot and reveals the characters' determination to protect each other.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a family facing imminent danger and their struggle to escape is a familiar but well-executed premise. The scene introduces a sense of danger and raises the stakes for the characters, creating a compelling narrative.

            Plot: 9

            The plot is tightly paced and gripping, with the characters facing immediate danger and making split-second decisions. The scene effectively advances the overall story by showcasing the characters' escape and their resourcefulness in the face of adversity.

            Originality: 8

            This scene has a level of originality in its depiction of a suburban family facing danger and the unexpected intervention of a neighbor. The actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters are well-developed and their emotions are effectively conveyed through their actions and dialogue. Renata is determined and resourceful, Dolores is protective and resilient, and Eduardo is brave and impulsive. The scene showcases their strong bond and their willingness to protect each other.

            Character Changes: 8

            The characters undergo a subtle change in this scene as they transition from a state of fear and vulnerability to a state of determination and resilience. They are forced to make quick decisions and take action to protect themselves and each other.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect her family and escape from the danger. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the sicarios and reach safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are faced with the immediate threat of the four men searching for them, and their internal conflict arises from their fear and the difficult decisions they have to make.

            Opposition: 9

            The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is pursued by the sicarios and faces the threat of violence. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes are incredibly high in this scene as the characters are being pursued by armed men. Their lives are in immediate danger, and the audience is on edge, fearing for their safety.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' escape and their determination to survive. It raises the stakes and introduces new obstacles for the characters to overcome.

            Unpredictability: 8

            This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will escape from the sicarios and what obstacles they will face.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and Mrs. Garibay's belief in fighting back against the monsters. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 9

            The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly fear and empathy for the characters. The audience is invested in their safety and rooting for their escape.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue is concise and impactful, effectively conveying the urgency and fear of the characters. It reveals their motivations and emotions, driving the scene forward.

            Engagement: 10

            This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces a sense of danger and urgency. The fast-paced action and the protagonist's goal of protecting her family create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and maintaining the audience's attention. The fast-paced action and concise dialogue keep the scene moving forward.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is clear and easy to follow.

            Structure: 9

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively builds tension and suspense through the sequence of events.


            Critique
            • The scene starts abruptly without any context or transition from the previous scene. It would be helpful to have a brief establishing shot or description to orient the audience.
            • The dialogue between Eduardo, Dolores, and Renata feels rushed and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their emotions and reactions more fully to create a stronger connection with the audience.
            • The action and movement in the scene are not clearly described, making it difficult for the reader to visualize what is happening. Adding more specific details and blocking would enhance the clarity of the scene.
            • The dialogue between Mendigo and Tejon lacks tension and urgency. It would be more effective to heighten the stakes and increase the sense of danger in their conversation.
            • The introduction of Mrs. Garibay and her role in saving Renata and her family feels sudden and underdeveloped. It would be beneficial to establish her character earlier in the story and provide more context for her actions.
            • The resolution of the conflict with Bearded Thug feels anticlimactic and lacks tension. Adding more suspense and a sense of danger would make the scene more engaging.
            • The scene lacks a clear transition or resolution, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness. It would be helpful to provide a clear ending or lead-in to the next scene.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding a brief establishing shot or description at the beginning of the scene to provide context and orient the audience.
            • Take the time to explore the emotions and reactions of Eduardo, Dolores, and Renata more fully to create a stronger connection with the audience.
            • Provide more specific details and blocking to enhance the clarity of the action and movement in the scene.
            • Heighten the tension and urgency in the dialogue between Mendigo and Tejon to increase the sense of danger.
            • Establish Mrs. Garibay's character earlier in the story and provide more context for her actions to make her introduction and role in saving Renata and her family feel more organic.
            • Add more suspense and a sense of danger to the resolution of the conflict with Bearded Thug to create a more engaging and satisfying climax.
            • Provide a clear transition or resolution at the end of the scene to avoid leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.



            Scene 15 -  Meeting Uncle Bicho
            EXT. TIJUANA OUTSKIRTS - DAY

            Desolate. Fields of dirt and dried up trees. A few houses
            peek over a distant hill.

            Next to unused railroad tracks covered in mud, Renata leans
            against Seth’s car with her arms crossed.

            Dolores sits in the passenger seat at the tail end of a phone
            call. Eduardo plays with his toy in the backseat. She puts
            down the phone and looks at Renata.

            DOLORES
            Okay, Bicho says he can meet with
            you. He’s eager to help.

            RENATA
            I don’t think it’s a good idea.

            DOLORES
            Bicho has strange interests, but he
            is our uncle.

            RENATA
            I know. It’s not a problem. But
            right now I have other priorities.

            DOLORES
            Yes, like putting your job ahead of
            your family.

            RENATA
            What? That’s not fair.

            DOLORES
            Let me tell you what’s not fair.
            Today I was taking care of a ninety-
            year old man and I had to cut off
            two of his toes because of
            gangrene. Then, I come home to find
            out my sister has been kidnapped.
            And now there’s a bunch of killers
            after us.

            Renata stares out at the horizon for a moment.

            DOLORES
            Nata, mija, Bicho’s place is on
            your way back to your friend
            anyway. You lose nothing by talking
            to him for a minute. But these
            things you believe this Seth can
            do... there has to be an
            explanation.
            54.


            Renata shifts uncomfortably as seeds of doubt take root.

            RENATA
            You really think so?

            DOLORES
            If he is as good at predicting
            things as you say, how were you
            able to escape from him? It doesn’t
            make sense.

            RENATA
            You’re right... but he said that
            variations could happen, small
            changes that don’t affect the
            overall pattern.

            DOLORES
            If I were him and trying to scam
            you, that’s exactly what I would
            say. Just talk to Bicho. And if he
            doesn’t convince you, you can go
            back on your mission.

            RENATA
            Okay. I’ll stop by for a minute.

            Renata sees a car moving in their direction, kicking up dust.

            RENATA
            That’s her.

            Dolores exits the car and opens the back door, lifts Eduardo
            into her arms.

            The car parks next to them. Irene, Renata’s boss, is at the
            wheel. She gets out and gives Renata a big hug.

            IRENE
            It’s good to see you alive.

            Irene ushers Dolores and Eduardo into the passenger side of
            her car and SHUTS the door.

            IRENE
            Don’t worry. I have a place outside
            of town. Nobody will find us.

            RENATA
            I can’t thank you enough for-

            IRENE
            Don’t even say it. Are you sure
            you’re not coming with us?
            55.


            RENATA
            I have to confirm something first.
            I’ll call you as soon as I can.

            IRENE
            You understand that whatever you
            find out today, we can’t publish.

            RENATA
            You made it very clear.

            Renata struggles to hide her displeasure.

            IRENE
            Look, I said you should go to the
            beach, not this.

            RENATA
            Don’t worry, this is my choice.
            Your conscience is clear.

            Irene nods and gets in the driver’s seat and closes the door.

            IRENE
            Just be careful.

            Renata leans and looks at Dolores who has Eduardo huddled in
            her arms.

            RENATA
            I will be.
            (to Eduardo)
            Be good, okay? Always be kind.

            Eduardo nods against Dolores’s shoulder. Renata holds her
            gaze on them as if it might be the last time... then pulls
            away.

            Irene puts the car in gear and takes off.


            EXT. BAZAAR - DAY

            A warehouse-sized building with rows of shop stalls selling
            handicrafts, homemade food, and a variety of other items.

            Customers flow in and out. Renata joins the entering throng.


            INT. BAZAAR - DAY

            As Renata passes the shops, vendors attempt to hawk their
            wares. She waves them off.
            56.


            She arrives at a corner shop, larger and more permanent than
            the others. Shelves overflow with candles, carved wooden
            statues, and religious icons.

            BICHO (60), he looks 80 but with the energy of a 20-year old.
            His wide grin reveals a couple of missing teeth. Wrinkles
            crease the leathery skin of his face. His loose clothing
            gives the appearance of a hippie.

            Bicho rounds the counter and hugs Renata.

            BICHO
            You did the right thing coming to
            me. Let’s go in the back.

            He passes through a beaded curtain. Renata follows him.
            Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

            Summary Renata meets with her uncle Bicho in a corner shop at a bazaar. Dolores convinces Renata to meet with Bicho, while Irene warns Renata about the consequences. Renata's boss Irene takes Dolores and Eduardo to a safe place. The scene ends with Renata following Bicho through a beaded curtain to the back of his shop.
            Strengths
            • Strong emotional moments
            • Effective dialogue
            • Building tension
            Weaknesses
            • Some dialogue could be more concise

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 8

            The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the dialogue and reveals important information about the characters' motivations and conflicts.


            Story Content

            Concept: 7

            The concept of seeking help from a potentially unreliable family member adds intrigue and raises questions about trust and loyalty.

            Plot: 8

            The plot progresses as Renata decides to meet with Bicho, setting up a potential turning point in the story.

            Originality: 8

            This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its authentic portrayal of characters' actions and dialogue. The situation of a protagonist seeking guidance and protection in a desolate world is familiar, but the specific details and conflicts presented in this scene add freshness and uniqueness.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed and their conflicts are clearly established.

            Character Changes: 8

            Renata experiences a shift in her perspective as seeds of doubt are planted, leading her to consider meeting with Bicho.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to decide whether or not to trust Bicho and seek his help. This reflects her deeper need for guidance and protection in the face of danger.

            External Goal: 7

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confirm something before joining her boss and the others in a safe place. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding answers and making a decision.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 8

            The conflict between Renata's desire to prioritize her job and Dolores' insistence on family loyalty creates tension and raises the stakes.

            Opposition: 7

            The opposition in this scene is strong, with Dolores challenging Renata's beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and how it will affect the protagonist's choices.

            High Stakes: 8

            The stakes are high as Renata's sister has been kidnapped and there are killers after them.

            Story Forward: 8

            The scene moves the story forward by introducing the possibility of meeting with Bicho and setting up a potential turning point.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it introduces doubts and conflicting perspectives, leaving the audience uncertain about the protagonist's decision and the potential consequences.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Renata's belief in Seth's abilities and Dolores' skepticism. This challenges Renata's beliefs and values, forcing her to question her trust in Seth.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 9

            The emotional impact is high as Dolores expresses her frustration and fear, and Renata grapples with doubt and conflicting priorities.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, driving the scene forward.

            Engagement: 8

            This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between characters, raises questions about trust and loyalty, and creates a sense of urgency and danger.

            Pacing: 8

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and reflection, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's decision-making process.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

            Structure: 9

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


            Critique
            • The scene starts with a description of the setting, which is desolate and matches the tone of the previous scenes. However, the description could be more vivid and evocative to create a stronger visual image for the reader.
            • The dialogue between Renata and Dolores is effective in conveying their conflicting opinions and adding tension to the scene. However, some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could be more nuanced.
            • The introduction of Irene, Renata's boss, feels abrupt and could benefit from more context or foreshadowing. It's not clear why Irene suddenly appears and offers to take Dolores and Eduardo to a safe place.
            • The emotional stakes of the scene are high, with Renata torn between her job and her family. However, the emotional impact could be heightened by delving deeper into Renata's internal struggle and her relationship with Dolores and Eduardo.
            • The transition from the Tijuana outskirts to the bazaar is a bit abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide a clearer sense of the passage of time and how Renata arrives at the bazaar.
            • The description of the bazaar is vivid and sets the scene well. However, it would be beneficial to include more sensory details to immerse the reader in the bustling atmosphere of the market.
            • The introduction of Bicho is intriguing, but his character could be further developed to make him more memorable and distinct. Adding specific details about his appearance, mannerisms, or speech patterns could help bring him to life.
            • The scene ends with Renata and Bicho going into the back of his shop, which creates a sense of anticipation and mystery. However, the ending could be strengthened by adding a small cliffhanger or hinting at what Renata hopes to discover from Bicho.
            Suggestions
            • Revise the description of the setting to make it more vivid and evocative, using specific details to create a stronger visual image.
            • Refine the dialogue between Renata and Dolores to add more nuance and subtext, allowing their conflicting opinions to come across more subtly.
            • Provide more context or foreshadowing for Irene's sudden appearance and offer to take Dolores and Eduardo to a safe place, to make her introduction feel more organic and believable.
            • Delve deeper into Renata's internal struggle and her relationship with Dolores and Eduardo, to heighten the emotional stakes and make the reader more invested in her decision-making.
            • Smooth out the transition from the Tijuana outskirts to the bazaar, providing a clearer sense of the passage of time and how Renata arrives at the market.
            • Include more sensory details in the description of the bazaar to immerse the reader in the bustling atmosphere of the market.
            • Develop Bicho's character further by adding specific details about his appearance, mannerisms, or speech patterns, to make him more memorable and distinct.
            • Consider adding a small cliffhanger or hint at what Renata hopes to discover from Bicho, to create a stronger ending and keep the reader engaged.



            Scene 16 -  Lost Target and Manipulating Thoughts
            EXT. PRIVATE PATIO - DAY

            Statues of monstrous creatures, skeletons, and demonic dolls
            occupy one side of the patio. A black canopy covers the
            space. Burning candles encircle an altar to the Santa Muerte.

            A hexagonal séance table sits in the center with six chairs.
            Renata and Bicho sit in adjoining chairs. Renata looks away
            from the grotesquerie.

            NOEMI(54), a stocky woman with grizzled hair, brings two cups
            of atole for them.

            BICHO
            Thank you dear. Noemi makes the
            best atole.

            Noemi exits silently. Bicho takes a sip.

            BICHO
            Look, do I think this guy is
            pulling your leg? Of course. I mean
            look around this place. It’s
            ludicrous, but it works.

            RENATA
            But he knew what I had for
            breakfast. He knew what I was
            thinking.

            Bicho chuckles.

            BICHO
            People are easier to read than
            you’d think. Let me show you.
            57.


            Bicho pulls out a pen and notepad, write quickly and tears
            the sheet off. He slides it over face down to Renata.

            BICHO
            Don’t look until I tell you. Okay.
            What day is Christmas?

            RENATA
            ...The Twenty-fifth.

            BICHO
            What number is between one and
            three?

            RENATA
            Two.

            BICHO
            What side of the road do they drive
            on in Europe.

            RENATA
            The left side.

            BICHO
            Name a color and a tool. Quick,
            don’t think.

            RENATA
            Uh, a red hammer.

            Bicho smiles and looks at the paper. Renata turns it over and
            sees, “Red Hammer” on the note. She looks astounded.

            BICHO
            Magic, right? No. The questions and
            my gestures guided you where I
            wanted you to go. Psychics,
            preachers, politicians,
            prostitutes. Everyone hustles.
            Everyone lies. Some are just better
            at it.


            INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY

            The Driver and Mendigo stalk the streets. Mendigo’s cell
            phone RINGS.

            MENDIGO
            Yup?

            MALE VOICE (CELL PHONE)
            We lost them.
            58.


            MENDIGO
            What do you mean we lost them?

            MALE VOICE
            Someone hit Beto over the head and
            they sneaked away.

            Mendigo pounds the dash with the phone.

            MENDIGO
            Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
            Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Drama"]

            Summary Renata and Bicho sit at a hexagonal séance table on a private patio surrounded by grotesque statues. Noemi serves them atole while Bicho demonstrates how easy it is to manipulate someone's thoughts. Meanwhile, Mendigo and the Driver lose track of their target, causing frustration. The scene is mysterious and tense, with a visual of burning candles and an altar to the Santa Muerte.
            Strengths
            • Building tension and intrigue
            • Exploring the theme of deception
            • Engaging dialogue
            Weaknesses
            • Limited character development for Noemi

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 8

            The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its setting and dialogue. The revelation of Bicho's manipulation adds depth to the story and raises questions about the authenticity of supernatural abilities.


            Story Content

            Concept: 7

            The concept of psychic manipulation and deception is intriguing and adds complexity to the story. It challenges the audience's perception of reality and introduces a layer of mystery.

            Plot: 8

            The plot progresses as Renata questions the authenticity of the psychic abilities. The revelation of Beto's attack adds a sense of urgency and raises the stakes for the characters.

            Originality: 8

            This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique blend of supernatural elements and realistic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


            Character Development

            Characters: 7

            The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their vulnerabilities and skepticism. Renata's astonishment and Bicho's confidence create an engaging dynamic.

            Character Changes: 7

            Renata experiences a shift in her belief system as she witnesses Bicho's manipulation. This change in perspective adds complexity to her character.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and come to terms with the idea that people are easier to read and manipulate than she thought. This reflects her deeper need for control and her fear of being deceived or taken advantage of.

            External Goal: 7

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to learn more about the psychic abilities of the person she is talking to. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her being in a place filled with occult objects and her desire to uncover the truth about the person's abilities.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 7

            The conflict arises from Renata's skepticism and Bicho's attempt to convince her of his abilities. The revelation of Beto's attack adds a sense of urgency and raises the stakes.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is faced with the realization that she has been deceived. The audience doesn't know how she will react or what actions she will take.

            High Stakes: 8

            The stakes are raised with the revelation of Beto's attack and the characters' realization that deception is at play. Their safety and trust are at risk.

            Story Forward: 8

            The scene moves the story forward by introducing doubts about the authenticity of supernatural abilities and raising the stakes for the characters.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a twist in the form of the protagonist realizing that she has been manipulated. The audience doesn't know how this revelation will affect the rest of the story.

            Philosophical Conflict: 9

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the supernatural and the other character's belief in manipulation and deception. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and forces her to question her beliefs about magic and psychic abilities.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 7

            The scene evokes astonishment and frustration in Renata, which resonates with the audience. The characters' vulnerability adds emotional depth to the scene.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reveals their thoughts. Bicho's demonstration of manipulation is intriguing and thought-provoking.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it combines elements of mystery, suspense, and character development. The dialogue between the characters keeps the audience interested and invested in the story.

            Pacing: 8

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

            Structure: 9

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and ends with a cliffhanger that propels the narrative forward.


            Critique
            • The scene starts with a strong visual description of the private patio, setting the tone for the mysterious and tense atmosphere. The statues, black canopy, burning candles, and altar to the Santa Muerte create a visually striking image.
            • The dialogue between Renata and Bicho is engaging and reveals important information about Bicho's perspective on psychics and manipulation. It also highlights Renata's astonishment at Bicho's ability to predict her thoughts.
            • The use of the notepad and the questions Bicho asks Renata is a clever way to demonstrate how easily people can be manipulated. The reveal of the 'Red Hammer' note adds to the intrigue and showcases Bicho's skills.
            • The transition to the pickup truck scene provides a contrast to the calm and mysterious atmosphere of the patio. Mendigo's frustration and anger after losing Renata and Seth adds tension and raises the stakes for their escape.
            • The scene ends with a strong emotional beat as Mendigo pounds the dash in frustration, leaving the reader eager to find out what happens next.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the patio. For example, describe the scent of incense or the sound of distant chanting.
            • Explore the dynamic between Renata and Bicho further. Are there any underlying tensions or conflicts that can be hinted at in their dialogue?
            • To make the manipulation demonstration more impactful, consider adding more specific and unexpected questions for Bicho to ask Renata.
            • In the pickup truck scene, consider adding some dialogue or actions to show the Driver's reaction to Mendigo's frustration.
            • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a hint at what Renata and Bicho will discover in the back of the shop, to create more anticipation for the next scene.



            Scene 17 -  Confrontation and Redemption
            INT. PRIVATE PATIO - DAY

            Renata clutches at her head while Bicho sits back in his
            chair at ease.

            BICHO
            What can I say? People pay good
            money for someone to tell them what
            they want to hear. From emperors to
            toilet scrubbers, it’s always been
            that way.

            RENATA
            How do you explain knowing when a
            bullet would hit my head? Or, that
            he killed eleven men by himself?

            BICHO
            He arranged it. He got lucky. Or
            had help. Anything other than
            getting cursed to relive the same
            day. I think deep down you know.

            RENATA
            My God, why would he do that to me?

            BICHO
            I told you. Money and fame. The
            reasons people do anything.

            Renata tears up. She shakes her head.

            Bicho gets up then kneels by Renata’s chair. He takes her
            hand in both of his.

            BICHO
            I know this is upsetting. It’s why
            I never pull back the curtain on a
            trick. It loses the magic... but
            Ximena’s files could be very
            valuable. Do you still have them?
            59.


            Something in his tone makes Renata shifts uncomfortably. Her
            instincts firing off.

            RENATA
            No, I... gave them to Seth.

            Bicho’s expression goes flat.

            BICHO
            Oh, you did? Where is he right now?

            Renata’s eyes grow wary with concern.

            RENATA
            I have no idea.

            Bicho’s grip tightens on her hand.

            BICHO
            Don’t lie to me.

            Renata rips her hand free and bolts for the exit. Bicho grabs
            Renata by the hair and yanks her back.

            Renata stumbles into a shelf, knocking the idols to the
            floor. She turns back.

            RENATA
            Why are you doing this?

            BICHO
            You were told to stay away from
            this mission. This is where it
            leads to. El Tejon is like a
            brother, and a generous one.

            Renata rounds the table but Bicho mirrors and blocks her.

            BICHO
            Noemi! Let El Tejon know we have
            her!

            Renata makes a dash for the curtain but he tackles her.
            Renata flails and kicks to no avail. Bicho whips off his
            belt, wraps it around her throat and chokes her!

            Renata gasps for air as her fingers dig at the belt.

            BICHO
            I’ll tell you what happened to
            Ximena. She begged for her life the
            entire ride. At the end, she prayed
            to God even as I tightened this
            very belt around her throat.
            60.


            Renata’s vision in the shower has come to pass. Her struggles
            lessen, her hands beating weakly.

            From the shadows, a shape emerges and approaches them. Bicho
            looks up, surprised. Seth looms over them, golden gun in
            hand, and speaks in perfect Spanish.

            SETH
            What’s wrong? You look like you’ve
            seen a ghost, Bicho.

            Seth kicks Bicho in the face, sending him sprawling backward.

            Renata rips the belt from her throat and gasps for breath.

            SETH
            You alright?

            Renata nods as she rubs her neck, coughing.

            Bicho, nose dripping blood, looks up and sees the golden gun.

            BICHO
            Oh fuck...

            SETH
            Oh, you recognize it. Does it
            bother you? Seems unfair? Here.

            Seth pockets the gun in the back of his pants.

            SETH
            Now it’s a fair fight.

            Bicho charges at Seth. Seth casually steps aside and trips
            Bicho who face plants. Bicho turns over and spits out blood.
            Seth hauls Bicho to his feet and slams him against the wall.

            Seth digs a cell phone from Bicho’s pocket.

            Bicho holds his side and winces.

            BICHO
            Shit, you broke--

            SETH
            Your ribs, I know. Fifth and sixth
            to be precise. Now call your two
            friends before I break the seventh
            and eighth.

            BICHO
            Which friends?
            61.


            SETH
            The one’s that helped you kidnap
            Ximena. Tell them El Tejon wants
            them at the warehouse tonight for
            the delivery.

            BICHO
            You don’t know who you’re fucking
            with.

            Seth pulls out the gun and jams it into Bicho’s broken ribs.
            Bicho’s face twists in agony.

            SETH
            I’m sure you’ve heard about the
            eleven idiots I killed this
            morning. Want to make it twelve?

            Bicho fumbles with the cell phone and makes the call. The
            phone RINGS on the speaker.

            MANUEL (CELL PHONE)
            What’s up?

            BICHO
            Hey, Manuel. El Tejon wants all of
            us at the warehouse tonight.

            MANUEL
            For what?

            BICHO
            I don’t know, that’s what he said.

            MANUEL
            Okay. We’ll be there.

            Call ends. Seth takes the phone and smashes it on the floor.
            He takes a step back and aims the gun at Bicho’s face.

            SETH
            Well done. Say hi to the Santa
            Muerte for me.

            Seth thumbs back the hammer. CLICK.

            RENATA
            (raspy)
            What are you doing? Don’t do that.

            Seth turns to her.
            62.


            SETH
            You want me to let him live? After
            what he did to Ximena? What he was
            about to do to you?

            Renata debates with herself.

            RENATA
            Yes, just let him go.

            After a moment, Seth gently lowers the hammer.

            SETH
            Alright, I won’t kill him.

            Suddenly, Seth deftly sidesteps a machete swing from behind!
            The blade, wielded by Noemi, buries itself in Bicho’s neck.
            Renata screams.

            A horrified Noemi whips her head toward Seth and he shoots
            her in the forehead.

            Bicho, the machete sprouting from his neck like a vestigial
            limb, blood pouring from the wound, slowly slides down the
            wall.

            Renata pushes past Seth, shooting him an accusing glare then
            kneels by Bicho.

            Renata places her hand on his chest. As she talks, Bicho’s
            left hand creeps up.

            RENATA
            Our Father, who art in heaven,
            hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom
            come. Thy will be done--

            Bicho lays his hand atop Renata’s and, with the last of his
            strength, throws it off. He dies...

            Renata stares down at her bloody hands.

            SETH
            Not everyone deserves your mercy.
            Some don’t even want it.
            Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

            Summary Renata confronts Bicho about her visions and Ximena's files. Bicho reveals that El Tejon is behind everything and attacks Renata. Seth arrives and fights Bicho, ultimately killing him and Noemi. Renata tries to pray for Bicho before he dies.
            Strengths
            • Intense dialogue
            • Surprising twist
            • Emotional impact
            • High-stakes conflict
            Weaknesses
            • None

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful. It effectively builds tension and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The dialogue is well-written and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The twist at the end adds an unexpected element to the scene.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of betrayal and redemption is effectively explored in this scene. The consequences of the characters' actions are revealed, and the scene sets up a potential redemption arc for Renata.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward. It reveals important information about the characters' motivations and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

            Originality: 6

            This scene has a moderate level of originality. While it includes familiar elements such as a confrontation between characters and a life-threatening situation, the specific circumstances and character dynamics are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters in the scene are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively conveyed through their dialogue and actions. Renata's internal conflict and Bicho's villainous nature are particularly compelling.

            Character Changes: 9

            Renata undergoes a significant change in the scene, from being a victim to taking control of her own fate. Bicho's character also experiences a change, from being a menacing villain to meeting a violent end.

            Internal Goal: 8

            Renata's internal goal in this scene is to understand why the protagonist, Seth, would save her and confront Bicho. This reflects her deeper need for answers and her desire to make sense of the situation she is in.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to protect Renata and confront Bicho. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as Bicho is a threat to Renata's safety.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 10

            The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes. It involves physical violence, emotional turmoil, and a life-or-death situation.

            Opposition: 9

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as Bicho poses a threat to Renata and Seth. The audience doesn't know how the confrontation will go and is kept on edge.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Renata's life in danger and the potential for further violence and betrayal. The audience is invested in the outcome and the resolution of the conflict.

            Story Forward: 10

            The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.

            Unpredictability: 8

            This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as Seth saving Renata and confronting Bicho. The audience is kept on their toes and doesn't know how the situation will unfold.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Bicho's belief that people do things for money and fame, and Renata's belief that there must be a deeper reason for Seth's actions. This challenges Renata's beliefs and values, as she struggles to understand Seth's motivations.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 10

            The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including fear, anger, and sadness. The intense conflict and the characters' emotional struggles contribute to the emotional impact.

            Dialogue: 10

            The dialogue in the scene is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it is filled with tension, suspense, and emotional moments. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and wants to know how the conflict will be resolved.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and building tension. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the scene.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation, making it easy to read and understand.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue, and progresses the narrative by introducing and resolving conflicts.


            Critique
            • The dialogue between Bicho and Renata feels a bit heavy-handed and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
            • The tension and conflict between Bicho and Renata could be heightened by adding more physical action and blocking.
            • The transition from Renata tearing up to Bicho kneeling by her chair feels abrupt and could be smoother.
            • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere.
            • The emotional impact of Renata giving the files to Seth and Bicho's reaction could be heightened with more internal thoughts and emotions.
            • The fight between Seth and Bicho lacks clear choreography and could be more visually engaging.
            • The resolution of the conflict between Seth and Bicho feels rushed and could be given more time and development.
            • The scene could benefit from more subtext and layers of meaning to deepen the characters and their motivations.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata at the end could be more impactful and emotionally charged.
            • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the reader's experience.
            Suggestions
            • Consider rewriting the dialogue between Bicho and Renata to make it more subtle and nuanced, allowing the tension to build gradually.
            • Add more physical action and blocking to the scene to heighten the tension and conflict between Bicho and Renata.
            • Smooth out the transition from Renata tearing up to Bicho kneeling by her chair to create a more seamless flow.
            • Include more sensory details in the scene to immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere, such as sounds, smells, and textures.
            • Explore Renata's internal thoughts and emotions when she gives the files to Seth and Bicho's reaction to deepen the emotional impact.
            • Develop a clear choreography for the fight between Seth and Bicho to make it more visually engaging and impactful.
            • Give more time and development to the resolution of the conflict between Seth and Bicho to create a more satisfying conclusion.
            • Add subtext and layers of meaning to the dialogue and actions of the characters to deepen their motivations and relationships.
            • Rewrite the dialogue between Seth and Renata at the end to make it more emotionally charged and impactful.
            • Include more visual descriptions throughout the scene to enhance the reader's experience and create a vivid picture in their minds.



            Scene 18 -  Escape in the Bazaar
            EXT. BAZAAR - DAY

            A convoy of pick-up trucks and cars arrive at the parking lot
            and double park. Tejon and his men exit out of the vehicles
            and move towards the entrance.
            63.


            Ext. PRIVATE PATIO - DAY

            Seth RIPS a piece of cloth from the table and wipes her hands
            with it.

            RENATA
            You used me. You knew I would come
            here... did we make enough noise
            for you?

            SETH
            Not yet. Let’s keep shaking the
            tree to see what else falls.

            RENATA
            But why like this? You could have
            warned me.

            SETH
            Oh I have, but you never believe me
            when I tell you your uncle is this
            evil. Seeing it for yourself is the
            only way.

            RENATA
            Your Spanish is good, by the way.
            Why don’t you speak to me in-

            SETH
            Because my freedom has been taken
            from me, but I don’t plan on losing
            who I am.

            Seth tosses the cloth aside.

            SETH
            We should go. It’s not over.


            INT. BAZAAR - DAY

            The long aisle bustles with activity. At the opposite end
            from Bicho’s shop, Tejon, Peloncillo, Mendigo lead a phalanx
            of thugs. The vendors and buyers slow their pace.

            From the other end, Seth and Renata observe Tejon and his men
            approaching. Seth turns to Renata.

            SETH
            You’re a woman of faith. I need you
            to believe in me right now. Can you
            do that?

            Seth holds out his hand.
            64.


            Renata looks at him, searching his eyes for sincerity. She
            places her hand on his.

            Seth leads Renata into an adjacent aisle. They keep a
            moderate pace, blending with the crowd.

            Suddenly, Seth pulls her into a stall full of trinkets just
            as Thug 1 enters the aisle from an intersection. Seth eyes
            the thug as he makes his way in their direction.


            TEJON AND HIS MEN

            March with purpose. They reach Bicho’s shop and Tejon,
            Peloncillo, and Mendigo go inside. The others standby.


            SETH AND RENATA

            Wait for the right moment. Renata’s concern is evident and
            Seth draws her in closer.


            THUG 1

            Is on the hunt. His eyes drift side to side. He comes to a
            stop, turns back, and scans the crowd.


            SETH AND RENATA

            Seth leans in to Renata.

            SETH
            Let’s go.

            They approach Thug 1 while he looks the other way. As Thug 1
            does a one-eighty, with perfect timing, Seth and Renata pass
            behind him and remain unseen.

            At the intersection, they turn down the crossing aisle.

            Seth makes them pick up the pace. Ahead, a female shopper
            examines the price of an item. She accidentally bumps a vase
            off of a column stand. Before it hits the ground--

            Without stopping, Seth catches it before it shatters and sets
            it back on its stand. The lady gapes at Seth as they pass.

            Seth and Renata turn down an aisle and see, beyond a crowd of
            people, Ramon looking in their direction. Ramon tries to peer
            past the people trying to confirm he sees his target.
            65.


            SETH
            Damn it, that guy wasn’t supposed
            to be in this aisle. I hate
            variations.

            Renata looks around. Her instincts kick in.

            RENATA
            This way.

            Renata ushers him down the aisle toward the public restroom.

            She tries the “Mujeres” door, but it is locked. They go
            inside the “Hombres” door.


            RAMON

            Detects a couple of shapes going in the public restroom. He
            negotiates his way toward it... he nudges the “Hombres” door
            open cautiously and looks inside.


            INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY

            Four stalls, the closest two with functioning doors, line one
            side and two crud covered sinks take up the other with a soap
            dispenser mounted between them. A rusty paper towel dispenser
            sits above a grimy garbage can.

            Crude drawings and curses compete for space with more ornate
            graffiti on the walls. Mold blackens the grout on the tiles.

            Ramon steps inside and spies the two closed doors. He draws a
            gun and crouches at the nearest stall to look underneath.
            Empty.

            Standing, he nudges the door but it won’t budge. He kicks the
            door and breaks the lock. The door crashes open. Renata gives
            a strangle cry and slips off the toilet.

            RAMON
            You don’t look like a man to me.
            Where is your boyfriend?

            Suddenly, the other stall door swings open and smashes into
            Ramon. He drops his gun.

            Seth punches Ramon, catching him on the jaw. However, he can
            take a punch and drives an elbow into Seth’s sternum.

            Ramon bullrushes Seth driving him into the wall forcing out
            the last of his breath as Seth’s head cracks against the
            tile.
            66.


            Ramon presses his forearm against Seth’s neck and delivers
            rabbit punches to his gut.


            RENATA

            Steps out of the stall horrified at Seth being pummeled. She
            shakes with indecision.

            Her eyes dart around the room and fall on the liquid soap
            dispenser.

            She pulls on the dispenser but only rips off the plastic bulb
            holding the soap and the viscous fluid pours over her hands
            and on the floor.

            She looks at her hands, dripping with goo, then lunges at
            Ramon! She rakes her soap-covered hands over his eyes from
            behind.

            Ramon lets out a squeal, releasing Seth, as his own hands
            cover his eyes.

            As he whirls about in pain, he steps in the soap on the floor
            and slips, cracking his head on the porcelain sink, knocking
            himself out.

            Renata rushes to Seth, who coughs and takes in big gulps of
            air. He takes in the scene.

            SETH
            Good job. Why didn’t you use the
            gun?

            He gestures at the pistol on the floor near her stall.
            Renata, wiping her hands off on her pants, shakes her head.

            RENATA
            I didn’t even see it. Does this
            happen every time?

            Seth picks himself up.

            SETH
            Honestly, never. I was totally
            wingin’ it. Let’s get out of here.

            Renata smiles, looks back at Ramon on the floor, and stands a
            little straighter.

            Seth peeks out of the door but doesn’t leave.

            RENATA
            Why aren’t we going?
            67.


            SETH
            A variation can be like taking a
            quick detour off the road. But all
            we have to do is find the on-ramp
            and wait for the right time to
            merge back onto the freeway. In
            three... two... one... now!
            Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

            Summary Seth and Renata navigate through a busy bazaar while being pursued by Tejon and his men. They hide in a public restroom where they are confronted by Ramon. Renata uses soap to blind Ramon and Seth knocks him out. They escape the restroom and the bazaar.
            Strengths
            • Tense and suspenseful atmosphere
            • Well-executed action sequences
            • Sharp dialogue
            Weaknesses
            • Limited character development in this specific scene

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is well-executed and engaging, with a high level of tension and suspense. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important character dynamics. The action sequences are well-described and keep the reader on the edge of their seat.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a daring escape in a crowded bazaar is exciting and provides ample opportunities for tension and suspense. The use of the soap dispenser as a weapon is a unique and unexpected element that adds to the scene's intensity.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist and his ally trying to evade their pursuers and escape from the bazaar. The stakes are high, and the tension is maintained throughout. The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the resourcefulness and determination of the characters.

            Originality: 6

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of characters trying to escape from pursuers in a crowded marketplace is a familiar trope, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality, as they react realistically to the obstacles and challenges they face.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters in the scene, Seth and Renata, are well-developed and their motivations and personalities are clearly conveyed. Seth is resourceful and determined, while Renata is initially skeptical but ultimately proves herself to be brave and quick-thinking.

            Character Changes: 7

            While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, there is a subtle shift in Renata as she goes from being skeptical of Seth's warnings to trusting him and taking action to protect him.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to expose Renata to the true nature of her uncle and make her believe in his evilness. This reflects Seth's deeper desire to protect Renata and ensure her safety, as well as his fear that she won't believe him or take the threat seriously.

            External Goal: 7

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade Tejon and his men and escape from the bazaar without being caught. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, which include the danger posed by Tejon and the need to maintain their cover in the crowded marketplace.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and emotional. The characters are constantly in danger and must use their wits to outsmart their pursuers. There is also internal conflict as Seth and Renata grapple with their trust in each other.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as the characters face the threat of Tejon and his men. The presence of Ramon in the public restroom adds an additional layer of opposition and danger. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles and escape from their pursuers.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes are high in this scene as the characters are being pursued by dangerous individuals. Their lives are at risk, and the tension is palpable throughout.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene moves the story forward by advancing the plot and showcasing the resourcefulness and determination of the characters. It also introduces new obstacles and raises the stakes for the upcoming events.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the characters. The presence of Ramon in the public restroom and the subsequent fight scene add a layer of unpredictability to the narrative. The reader is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

            Philosophical Conflict: 0

            There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene elicits fear and tension from the reader, as they are invested in the characters' escape and worried about their safety. There is also a sense of determination and resilience in the face of danger.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue in the scene is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and their relationship. It effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it combines elements of suspense, action, and character development. The fast-paced dialogue and intense situations keep the reader invested in the outcome. The relationship between Seth and Renata adds emotional depth to the scene, as their interactions reveal their trust and reliance on each other.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The action sequences are well-paced, with moments of suspense and moments of release. The rhythm of the dialogue and the narrative description keeps the scene moving at a brisk pace.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, character names, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and clarity of the scene, making it easy for the reader to visualize the events.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the bazaar, followed by character interactions and actions in different locations within the bazaar. The scene progresses with rising tension and ends with a cliffhanger moment, setting up the next sequence.


            Critique
            • The scene starts with a strong visual of a convoy of pick-up trucks and cars arriving at the bazaar, which sets up the tension and impending danger.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata reveals their motivations and adds depth to their characters.
            • The use of the cloth to wipe Renata's hands and the conversation about Seth's Spanish skills are effective in building their relationship and creating intrigue.
            • The description of the bazaar and the bustling activity adds to the visual and sensory experience of the scene.
            • The moment when Seth catches the falling vase showcases his quick reflexes and adds a touch of action to the scene.
            • The introduction of Ramon as a threat and the subsequent confrontation in the restroom adds to the tension and raises the stakes.
            • Renata's resourcefulness in using the soap dispenser to blind Ramon is a clever and unexpected move.
            • The fight scene between Seth and Ramon is well-described and conveys the physicality and intensity of the struggle.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata after the fight adds a touch of humor and lightness to the scene.
            • The mention of the gun and Renata's unawareness of it adds a layer of suspense and foreshadows potential future conflicts.
            • The scene ends with a sense of anticipation and the promise of further action.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding more sensory details to immerse the reader in the bazaar setting, such as the sounds, smells, and colors of the market.
            • Explore ways to further develop the relationship between Seth and Renata, perhaps through more intimate moments or shared vulnerabilities.
            • Consider adding more obstacles or complications in the pursuit, such as additional pursuers or unexpected twists.
            • Find opportunities to further showcase Renata's resourcefulness and quick thinking, as these traits make her a compelling and capable protagonist.
            • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions to deepen the characters' experiences and reactions to the events unfolding.
            • Explore ways to heighten the tension and suspense throughout the scene, such as through the use of pacing, foreshadowing, or dramatic irony.
            • Consider adding more visual and physical details to enhance the fight scene and make it more dynamic and engaging.
            • Find opportunities to further explore the theme of trust and faith, as this is hinted at in the dialogue between Seth and Renata.
            • Consider adding more moments of vulnerability or emotional connection between the characters to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.
            • Find ways to further develop the character of Ramon and make him a more formidable and memorable antagonist.



            Scene 19 -  Escape from the Pursuers
            INT. BAZAAR - DAY

            Seth and Renata hustle out onto the bazaar floor, mixing in
            with the crowd. They cut down a main aisle and beeline for
            the exit.


            TEJON

            Rushes out of Bicho’s shop, with Peloncillo and Mendigo, fury
            etched on his face. He looks around wildly.

            TEJON
            They were just here. Find them.

            Peloncillo, Mendigo, and the others spread out into the
            bazaar.

            A policeman patrolling the aisles, recognizing Tejon, pulls
            out his radio and calls for backup.


            SETH AND RENATA

            With the exit in sight, Peloncillo appears, blocking their
            path.

            Without missing a step, Seth draws Renata out of view next to
            a vendor who pushes a wheeled rack of clothes. They inch
            forward with the rack blocking them from sight.

            A loud whistle draws Peloncillo away from the aisle. Seth and
            Renata split from the clothes rack and move forward.


            TEJON

            Makes his way through the crowd with murder in his eyes.
            Across the sea of humanity, he spots Seth and Renata about to
            leave the premise.

            On instinct, he draws his gun and pushes his way toward them.

            TEJON
            Move! Get out of my way!
            68.


            The crowd doesn’t part. He shakes his head and sighs with
            resignation then FIRES indiscriminately in Seth and Renata’s
            direction.

            INSTANT PANIC! Two shoppers go down mortally wounded,
            triggering a stampede in all directions.


            EXT. BAZAAR - DAY

            A wave of terrified shoppers pour out. Gunshots POP in the
            background. Seth and Renata exit and rush through the parking
            lot.

            As they pass Tejon’s pickup truck, Seth FIRES the golden gun
            and BLOWS out the front tires.

            Seth and Renata race through the packed parking lot. They
            reach Seth’s car.

            SETH
            Keys.

            Renata tosses them to him as she heads to the passenger side.

            Seth snags them on the fly and gets in the driver’s seat. The
            engine ROARS to life and they pull out.


            TEJON and HIS MEN

            Arrive at his pickup and see the flat tires.

            TEJON
            Ay, this gringo. This is
            unacceptable.

            Tejon’s jaw clenches so tightly his teeth might shatter, as
            he scans for Seth and Renata.

            Dozens of SIRENS announce the approaching police.

            A pickup truck stops next to Tejon. The back door opens and
            Peloncillo beckons him.

            PELONCILLO
            Boss, come on let’s go!

            Tejon ignores the pleas and keeps looking for them.

            PELONCILLO
            The cops are almost here! Come on!
            69.


            Disgusted, Tejon jumps in the backseat. They take off just as
            several police cars turn into the lot.


            EXT. BEACH - DAY

            Seth’s car sits on a dirt road overlooking a tranquil shore.
            A few beachgoers amble along. Seagulls glide lazily. The sun
            nears the horizon.
            Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

            Summary Seth and Renata attempt to flee from Tejon and his men in a chaotic bazaar. They hide using a clothes rack and Seth shoots out Tejon's truck tires. The pursuit continues to a beach where Seth and Renata watch the sunset.
            Strengths
            • Intense action sequences
            • Well-paced tension
            • Engaging and thrilling
            Weaknesses
            • Minimal dialogue

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is highly engaging and thrilling, with intense action and suspense. The stakes are high, and the audience is kept on the edge of their seats.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a chase and escape sequence in a crowded bazaar is exciting and unique. The use of the bazaar setting adds visual interest and creates opportunities for creative action sequences.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene revolves around Seth and Renata trying to escape from Tejon and his men. The tension and urgency are well-maintained throughout, and the scene moves the story forward by showing the characters' resourcefulness and determination.

            Originality: 7

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a crowded bazaar and the pursuit of the protagonist by antagonistic forces are familiar elements, the specific actions and details, such as using a clothes rack as a cover and shooting out the tires of a pickup truck, add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


            Character Development

            Characters: 8

            The characters' actions and reactions in the scene are consistent with their established personalities. Seth and Renata are shown to be quick-thinking and capable, while Tejon is portrayed as ruthless and determined.

            Character Changes: 7

            While there is not significant character development in this particular scene, it showcases the characters' resourcefulness and ability to adapt to dangerous situations.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from Tejon and his men and avoid getting caught. This goal reflects their deeper need for survival and freedom, as well as their fear of being captured or harmed.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reach their car and drive away to safety. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, which include being pursued by Tejon and his men and the approaching police.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The conflict in the scene is intense and constant. There is a physical conflict between Tejon and Seth, as well as a broader conflict between the protagonists and Tejon's men.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is pursued by Tejon and his men, faces obstacles in the crowded bazaar, and is at risk of being caught by the approaching police. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these challenges.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes are extremely high in the scene, as Seth and Renata are being pursued by Tejon and his men. Their lives are in immediate danger, and the consequences of being caught are severe.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and putting the protagonists in a more precarious situation.

            Unpredictability: 8

            This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist faces unexpected obstacles and the actions of the characters, such as shooting out the tires of a pickup truck, are not easily anticipated. The unpredictability adds to the tension and excitement of the scene.

            Philosophical Conflict: 0

            There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene evokes fear and tension in the audience, as well as a sense of relief and triumph when Seth and Renata manage to escape.

            Dialogue: 7

            The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It mainly consists of Tejon's commands and threats, which convey his aggression and desperation.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, suspense, and a sense of urgency. The fast-paced narrative and the characters' fight for survival keep the audience invested in the outcome.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the sense of urgency created by the imminent danger keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

            Structure: 9

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with the characters entering the bazaar, facing obstacles and opposition, and ends with their escape to a different location.


            Critique
            • The scene starts off with Seth and Renata trying to escape the bazaar, which creates a sense of urgency and tension. However, the action and dialogue in this scene could be more dynamic and engaging.
            • The introduction of Tejon and his men adds a new layer of conflict, but their pursuit of Seth and Renata feels somewhat generic and predictable.
            • The use of the clothes rack as a hiding spot is a clever idea, but it could be executed in a more suspenseful and visually interesting way.
            • The moment when Tejon fires indiscriminately into the crowd and triggers a stampede is a powerful and chaotic image, but it could be described in more vivid detail to enhance the impact.
            • The resolution of the conflict with Tejon and his men feels rushed and lacks a satisfying climax.
            • The transition from the bazaar to the beach is abrupt and could be smoother.
            • The description of the beach setting at the end of the scene is beautiful, but it feels disconnected from the previous action and lacks a clear purpose.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding more specific and unique actions for Seth and Renata as they navigate through the bazaar, such as using the environment to their advantage or outsmarting their pursuers.
            • Develop Tejon and his men as more distinct and memorable characters, with their own motivations and personalities that add depth to the conflict.
            • Build up the suspense and tension during the clothes rack hiding scene by describing the characters' heightened senses, their fear of being discovered, and the close calls they narrowly avoid.
            • Describe the stampede in vivid detail, capturing the chaos, fear, and desperation of the crowd as they scramble to escape the gunshots.
            • Create a more climactic and satisfying resolution to the conflict with Tejon and his men, perhaps by having Seth and Renata use their wits or skills to outsmart them.
            • Smoothly transition from the bazaar to the beach by incorporating a moment of respite or reflection for Seth and Renata, allowing the audience to catch their breath before the next stage of the story.
            • Give the beach setting a clear purpose or symbolic significance that ties back to the overall narrative or themes of the screenplay.



            Scene 20 -  Danger on the Horizon
            INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

            Seth and Renata take in the view in silence... a seagull
            hovers in place against the breeze.

            RENATA
            When I see such a sight in front of
            me, I can’t help but think of the
            beauty of God’s creation.

            SETH
            And the Devil is behind us.

            Renata gives him the side-eye.

            SETH
            If your God really existed, why
            would he allow any of this to
            happen? It doesn’t feel like love,
            it feels sadistic.

            RENATA
            I don’t have a good answer, but I
            know He suffered as well.

            Seth sighs with disappointment.

            RENATA
            Then how do you explain any of
            this? Your... curse.

            SETH
            Maybe this is some experiment we’re
            going to wake up from. I have no
            proof for who is behind it. I only
            know that every twenty-three hours
            the day resets... for me.

            RENATA
            Here’s what I know, I prayed that
            God would bring me a miracle to
            find Ximena... and now you’re here.
            70.

            RENATA (CONT'D)
            A man whose abilities are no less
            than a miracle. This must mean
            something.

            SETH
            Wow, I’ve never been called a
            miracle before. If anyone else said
            that, I’d laugh in their face.

            Renata bites her lip to stifle a grin.

            RENATA
            Have we ever tried doing anything
            different?

            SETH
            Mostly the same, trying to figure a
            way out of this mess, but there
            were a few times where we just said
            fuck it, let’s try something new,
            something that has nothing to do
            with any of this. We thought, what
            if that’s the answer? No more
            playing by the rules, nothing to
            lose. We tried everything. Driving
            away, hiding, nothing worked. We
            also went to different restaurants,
            museums... the most fun was when we
            went to the racetrack. I memorized
            the results, and then we put it all
            on the right dogs.

            Seth smiles ruefully at the memory.

            SETH
            That was a good moment, we just
            kept winning. We walked out with a
            small fortune, laughing like two
            fools. You were so happy that
            day... we talked about trips we
            would take together, places we’d
            see, things we could buy... but
            next morning never happened. You
            were gone and I was left with only
            this dead memory.

            Visibly moved, Renata turns to him and takes his hand in both
            of hers. He shifts to face her.

            RENATA
            I can’t imagine what this has felt
            like, but don’t lose your hope...
            71.


            SETH
            That’s what you give to me. Every
            day.

            They stare into each other’s eyes. Overcome, Renata leans
            forward to kiss him. Seth pulls back sharply.

            RENATA
            What’s wrong... I thought... don’t
            you want to?

            SETH
            More than you know.

            RENATA
            Then why?

            SETH
            I just couldn’t. What it would mean
            to be with you like that then lose
            you? I would go insane.

            Seth turns back to the face the ocean. Renata keeps her gaze
            on him for a moment then sits back on the seat.

            They both watch the sun as it begins to dip below the
            horizon.

            Seth’s cell phone BEEPS. He digs it out of his pocket. The
            time reads: “7:45PM”

            SETH
            Oh, right. Cue the sociopath.

            He opens a video that has been uploaded online. Renata leans
            in to watch with him.


            VIDEO IMAGE

            Tejon stands in the middle of a nondescript room.

            TEJON
            Brothers and sisters, you know who
            I am. There are those who say I am
            nothing but a criminal that kills
            indiscriminately. But did I not
            give money for the shelters after
            the mudslide? Did I not help
            rebuild the Church of San
            Sebastian? Who built the soccer
            stadium that we all enjoy? Ask
            yourself, what have those lying
            fear-mongers ever done for you?
            72.


            INT. STORAGE UNIT - DAY

            Tejon stands in front of a luxury car and piles of money.
            Mendigo and Peloncillo stand behind the man with the camera.

            TEJON
            So, I come now to you with an
            opportunity to return the favor.
            See these two muckrakers?

            Tejon approaches the two headshots on the wall of Seth and
            Renata.

            TEJON
            People like these two are what’s
            really polluting our nation. Liars
            who make up stories and put them in
            newspapers as if they were the
            truth. Well, today that ends.
            Whoever kills these parasites gets
            all of this behind me.

            The view shifts back to the treasure.

            TEJON
            I don’t care who you are or what
            disagreements we may have had. You
            do this and you’ll be in my good
            graces.

            Tejon gets closer to the screen.

            TEJON
            You thought you could walk away
            from this, Mr. Seth Barrett? Ms.
            Renata Diaz? That you can kill my
            men, steal my gun, shoot my tires,
            without consequences?


            INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY

            Seth and Renata stare raptly at the screen.

            TEJON (VIDEO)
            Luck runs out. It always does. You
            will never ever escape El Tejon.

            The image goes static. Renata looks horrified.

            RENATA
            The whole city will be after us.

            Seth turns the engine back on.
            73.


            SETH
            So what else is new?

            He puts the car in gear and drives off.


            EXT. TIJUANA - DUSK

            A giant Mexican flag billows with the breeze over the city.

            At the border crossing, hundreds of cars slowly inch forward
            as they wait for their turn.

            At a red light, a fire-breathing panhandler works for change.

            Stray dogs chase after scraps of food in the gathering
            darkness.


            EXT. ZONA NORTE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

            Like the moonlight cactus, this area blooms at night. Thinly-
            veiled brothels bustle with activity, mostly from gringos. In
            the alleys, hookers ply their trade to those with less
            discerning tastes.

            Vendors brazenly lay out bootlegged and stolen wares on
            bedsheets in front of legitimate businesses. A stream of
            headlights and taillights flows by.

            Seth’s car parks at the curb and kills the lights.
            Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

            Summary Seth and Renata sit in Seth's car overlooking the ocean, discussing their beliefs and fears. They watch a threatening video uploaded by Tejon, offering a reward for their deaths. Realizing the danger they are in, they drive to Tijuana and park in a seedy neighborhood, preparing for what lies ahead.
            Strengths
            • Engaging dialogue
            • Strong emotional impact
            • Tension-building
            Weaknesses
            • Lack of significant character change

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 8

            The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes for the characters. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, and the emotional impact is strong.


            Story Content

            Concept: 7

            The concept of a recurring day and the characters' attempts to break free from it is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged.

            Plot: 8

            The plot progresses as the characters face a new threat and make a decision to continue their journey despite the danger.

            Originality: 6

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the themes of existential questioning and the presence of a dangerous antagonist are familiar, the specific situations and dialogue feel authentic and fresh. The characters' actions and dialogue reflect their individual personalities and motivations.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. The chemistry between Seth and Renata is palpable.

            Character Changes: 7

            While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the emotional connection between Seth and Renata.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find hope and meaning in his situation. He questions the existence of God and struggles with the idea of finding love and happiness in a world that feels sadistic. He is searching for answers and trying to make sense of his curse.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the threat posed by Tejon, who has put a bounty on his and Renata's heads. He needs to navigate the dangerous situation and find a way to escape the city without getting caught or killed.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 8

            The conflict level is high as the characters face a new threat from the criminal and must make a decision about their next move.

            Opposition: 9

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the threat of Tejon and the bounty on his and Renata's heads. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome this obstacle and what consequences they will face.

            High Stakes: 9

            The stakes are high as the characters are threatened by a dangerous criminal and must make a decision that could have serious consequences.

            Story Forward: 8

            The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new threat and raising the stakes for the characters.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new threat in the form of Tejon and his bounty on the protagonist's head. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate this dangerous situation and what consequences they will face.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's questioning of the existence and nature of God. He challenges Renata's belief in God's love and questions why a loving God would allow the suffering and chaos in the world. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs, values, and worldview.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 9

            The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and hope. The characters' vulnerability and the uncertainty of their situation contribute to the emotional impact.

            Dialogue: 9

            The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, exploring themes of faith, love, and hope. It reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it combines moments of introspection and vulnerability with the introduction of a new threat. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the story.

            Pacing: 8

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of quiet reflection and tension-filled dialogue. It keeps the audience engaged and builds anticipation for the upcoming challenges.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a quiet moment of reflection, introduces conflict and tension through the video message from Tejon, and ends with the characters preparing to face the upcoming challenges.


            Critique
            • The scene starts with Seth and Renata sitting in the car, but there is no clear transition from the previous scene at the beach. It would be helpful to have a brief establishing shot or description to indicate that they have moved locations.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata about God and their situation feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
            • The conversation about their past experiences and the racetrack feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development. It could be trimmed or reworked to have more relevance.
            • The moment where Renata tries to kiss Seth and he pulls back could be more emotionally impactful if there was more build-up and tension leading up to it.
            • The transition from the conversation to the video uploaded by Tejon feels abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer connection between the two.
            • The video itself feels a bit cliché and predictable, with Tejon making threats and offering a reward for Seth and Renata's deaths. It could benefit from more originality and surprise.
            • The scene ends with Seth driving off, but there is no clear sense of where they are going or what their plan is. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of their next destination or objective.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding a brief establishing shot or description to indicate the change in location from the beach to the car.
            • Try to find a more subtle and nuanced way to explore the themes of God and their situation, perhaps through subtext or metaphor.
            • Consider trimming or reworking the conversation about their past experiences to make it more relevant and impactful to the overall story.
            • Build up more tension and anticipation leading up to the moment where Renata tries to kiss Seth and he pulls back.
            • Find a smoother and more seamless transition from the conversation to the video uploaded by Tejon, perhaps by establishing a clearer connection between the two.
            • Try to add more originality and surprise to the video uploaded by Tejon, making it less cliché and predictable.
            • Provide a clearer indication of Seth and Renata's next destination or objective at the end of the scene.



            Scene 21 -  Tense Nighttime Planning
            INT. SETH’S CAR - NIGHT

            Seth turns the engine off. Renata looks around with distaste.

            RENATA
            Why are we stopping... here?

            SETH
            See those men?

            Ahead, a group of SIX MEN stand at the corner. Well-dressed
            but they look like trouble.

            SETH
            They recognize us from the bounty
            video and all hell breaks lose. We
            make it, but two civilians get
            caught in the crossfire. We’ll wait
            until they leave.
            74.


            RENATA
            ...So we wait and there’s no
            problem, yes?

            SETH
            Usually.

            Renata glares at him. She turns and sees that the men are
            moving in their way. Before she can speak, Seth drags her
            down to hide, and brings a “hushing” finger to his lips.

            The men playfully taunt each other and laugh. They stop right
            next to the car. Their conversation is loud and boisterous.

            Renata chances a peek and sees that one of them, UGLY MAN,
            turns and stares right at her. He approaches the passenger
            side and leans to look. A malevolent grin forms on his face.

            Renata covers her mouth when she sees a Glock tucked in his
            jeans. Her eyes wide in panic as he glares at her...

            Ugly Man then pics at his teeth and brushes his hair back.
            He’s using the window’s reflection as a mirror. The other men
            tease him with mock grooming gestures and drag him away.

            Renata huffs out a long-held breath with relief.

            Seth and Renata carefully rise. She holds her chest to calm
            herself.

            RENATA
            Please God let this day be over.

            SETH
            Amen to that.

            Seth restarts the engine and merges with traffic.


            EXT. WAREHOUSE DISTRICT - NIGHT

            A warehouse with receiving bay doors open. Workers transport
            and stack crates by the entrance.

            Ramon, his head bandaged, and another man patrol the grounds
            outside. Ramon gets a call from Tejon on his walkie-talkie.

            TEJON (WALKIE-TALKIE)
            Sitrep?

            RAMON
            All clear.
            75.


            BINOCULARS POV

            The image scans the grounds and armed guards, then settles on
            Tejon’s convoy of pickup trucks and Jeeps as they arrive at
            the warehouse.


            INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

            Trees shroud the car in shadows. Seth looks through the
            binos.

            SETH
            Tejon is here.

            RENATA
            Are we going now?

            Seth lowers the binoculars and looks at his watch: “9:15PM”.

            SETH
            Not yet. We have to wait for the
            rest of the players.

            He pulls out the golden gun and offers it to Renata. She
            reluctantly takes it.

            SETH
            You’ve got ten shots in there.

            RENATA
            You don’t want it?

            SETH
            I don’t need it.

            Renata contemplates on the gun with regret.

            RENATA
            I’ve never believed in them...

            SETH
            Tonight you will. There’s nothing
            to it. Just aim and pull the
            trigger. Now, let’s go over the
            steps again.

            She closes her eyes to recall.

            RENATA
            Okay, once I get inside, I count to
            eight. Shots will be fired. I sneak
            inside, wait behind the shelf near
            the breaker box.
            76.

            RENATA (CONT'D)
            A guy yells “keep loading”. Turn
            off the breakers and wait until a
            box in front of me is picked up. I
            follow him. Then... yes, when he
            turns to set the box down, I hide
            behind the stack of crates and wait
            until the American man with a white
            cap closes the trailer door, and
            then?

            Seth takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair.

            SETH
            And you sneak up behind him. He’s
            going to turn around and call you a
            bitch. When he does that, you shoot
            him. Not in the leg. Not in the
            arm. In the forehead.

            RENATA
            What? You can’t expect me to kill
            him.

            SETH
            You need to kill him so you can
            take the keys attached to his belt,
            then run to the cab. Are you
            listening?

            Renata jolts away from her panic back to the conversation.

            SETH
            Then open the glove compartment
            with the keys. Grab the envelope.
            It has all the names from the
            syndicate we’re missing. Then run
            back to the car, no matter what
            happens to me. If you don’t see me
            in thirty seconds, drive away.

            Renata looks aghast.

            RENATA
            There has to be another way.

            SETH
            There is, but you have to memorize
            one hundred and twenty-three steps.
            This is the only way.

            RENATA
            I can’t do it! I-- you’re asking me
            to kill a man.
            77.


            SETH
            C’mon, Renata! You’ve already done
            it six times before! We don’t have
            time to debate.

            A flash of lights alerts them to the arrival of the semi-
            truck. The semi-truck backs up into the receiving bay.

            SETH
            If you don’t do it, he’ll put his
            knee on your neck and choke you to
            death. So either you kill him now
            or we start over again.

            Renata swallows and clutches the gun tightly.

            RENATA
            Okay... let’s go.

            Seth and Renata exit the car.
            Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

            Summary Seth and Renata wait in the car while dangerous men pass by. Ugly Man approaches the car but gets distracted. Seth and Renata discuss their plan to steal an envelope from a warehouse, with Renata expressing reluctance to kill a man. They observe the warehouse as a semi-truck arrives, and the scene ends with them preparing to carry out their plan.
            Strengths
            • Building tension and suspense
            • Effective character development
            • High-stakes conflict
            Weaknesses
            • Limited character interaction
            • Some dialogue could be more impactful

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The high stakes and the imminent danger create a sense of urgency and excitement.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a dangerous encounter in a warehouse district adds to the overall tension and suspense of the scene. The idea of infiltrating the warehouse to retrieve important information is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonists' plan to infiltrate the warehouse and retrieve crucial information. The obstacles they face, such as the presence of armed men, increase the tension and drive the narrative forward.

            Originality: 9

            This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of a gritty and dangerous world, the protagonist's internal struggle with violence, and the specific steps and challenges involved in the mission. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


            Character Development

            Characters: 8

            The characters in the scene, Seth and Renata, are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Seth is portrayed as experienced and determined, while Renata initially expresses reluctance and fear. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

            Character Changes: 7

            Renata experiences a significant character change in the scene, as she overcomes her initial reluctance and fear to prepare herself for the mission. This change adds depth to her character arc.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome her fear and reluctance to kill a man in order to complete the mission and obtain the missing names from the syndicate. This reflects her deeper need for self-preservation and her desire to prove herself capable in this dangerous world.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully infiltrate the warehouse, turn off the breakers, and retrieve the envelope with the missing names from the syndicate. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing as part of the mission.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The conflict in the scene is intense and palpable. The protagonists are faced with the threat of armed men and the need to complete their mission without being caught. The potential consequences of failure add to the conflict.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of overcoming her fear and reluctance to kill in order to complete the mission. The audience is unsure of how she will handle the situation and what obstacles she will face.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the protagonists' lives and the success of their mission are at risk. The presence of armed men and the need to retrieve important information add to the intensity.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene moves the story forward by setting up the crucial mission and the potential consequences of failure. It establishes the urgency and danger the protagonists face.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it presents the protagonist with unexpected challenges and moral dilemmas. The audience is unsure of how she will handle the situation and what the consequences will be.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's reluctance to kill and the necessity of violence in their line of work. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as she struggles with the moral implications of her actions.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene elicits emotions of fear, anxiety, and determination from the audience. The characters' internal struggles and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact.

            Dialogue: 7

            The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation. It reveals the characters' thoughts, fears, and motivations, driving the plot forward.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and danger through the protagonist's internal struggle, the high-stakes mission, and the threat of violence. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions. It is easy to read and understand.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively conveys the progression of events and the tension building towards the mission.


            Critique
            • The scene starts with Seth and Renata stopping in a questionable location, but it is not clear why they choose this spot. The reason for stopping here should be clarified to create a stronger motivation for their actions.
            • The interaction between Seth and Renata when the men approach the car lacks tension and urgency. The dialogue feels too casual given the dangerous situation they are in.
            • The description of Ugly Man noticing Renata and approaching the car is not suspenseful enough. The tension should be heightened to create a sense of imminent danger.
            • The conversation between Seth and Renata about the plan to steal the envelope from the warehouse feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. Renata's reluctance to kill a man should be explored more deeply to create a stronger internal conflict.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata when discussing the steps of the plan feels too expositional and lacks naturalness. The conversation should be more organic and reflect the characters' emotions and fears.
            • The transition between the car scene and the warehouse district scene is abrupt and could be smoother. There should be a clearer connection between the two locations.
            • The tension and suspense leading up to the moment when Renata is about to carry out the plan could be heightened. The stakes should feel higher and the danger more palpable.
            • The dialogue between Seth and Renata when discussing the plan lacks emotional depth and could benefit from more exploration of their fears and motivations.
            • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene.
            Suggestions
            • Clarify the reason for Seth and Renata stopping in this particular location, creating a stronger motivation for their actions.
            • Increase the tension and urgency in the interaction between Seth and Renata when the men approach the car.
            • Heighten the suspense when Ugly Man notices Renata and approaches the car, creating a stronger sense of imminent danger.
            • Explore Renata's reluctance to kill a man more deeply, creating a stronger internal conflict for her character.
            • Make the dialogue between Seth and Renata about the plan to steal the envelope from the warehouse more organic and reflective of their emotions and fears.
            • Smoothly transition between the car scene and the warehouse district scene, creating a clearer connection between the two locations.
            • Heighten the tension and suspense leading up to the moment when Renata is about to carry out the plan, making the stakes feel higher and the danger more palpable.
            • Deepen the dialogue between Seth and Renata when discussing the plan, exploring their fears and motivations more fully.
            • Provide a clearer resolution or transition to the next scene, ensuring a smoother ending to the scene.



            Scene 22 -  Escape in the Warehouse
            INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

            A wide and spacious floor level, boxes and crates form
            ziggurats on wooden pallets. Tall shelves reach to the
            ceiling. Men feverishly grab boxes and stack them on a pallet
            for the fork-lift.

            On the left, a stairway leads to a mezzanine platform with
            more boxes connected to second floor offices via catwalks.

            Near the receiving bay, Tejon, Mendigo, Peloncillo, and
            several others wait as the semi backs into place.

            Two men, the DRIVER and DONAL (50), a tall, balding man
            wearing a white baseball cap jump out of the cab. Donal wears
            jeans and a loose jacket.

            The Driver unlocks the trailer door and slides it up.

            Three Americans jump out and start receiving boxes handed by
            El Tejon’s men.

            Donal ambles up to Tejon and hands him a large maroon
            envelope.

            DONAL
            For your entertainment.

            El Tejon glances at it then hands it to Peloncillo who
            stashes it in his jacket.
            78.


            TEJON
            You’re late, amigo.

            DONAL
            Yeah, well shit happens.

            TEJON
            Yes. Today has been, as they say, a
            shitshow.

            DONAL
            We heard about the troubles you
            were having with that reporter
            girl. Houses raided. Men dying.

            TEJON
            It’s the life we have chosen.
            Nothing I cannot handle.

            DONAL
            It’s making some of the people on
            my end a little nervous. They don’t
            like the attention.

            TEJON
            I would hate for them to have to
            pull their noses from their
            snifters of brandy with even a
            moment’s doubt. Perhaps this will
            calm them?

            Tejon gestures to a pallet loaded with boxes. Donal pulls out
            a switch blade, walks over to the pallet and opens a box.
            Donal pulls out a tightly wrapped brick of cocaine.

            Donal slices the package open, then digs his pinky finger
            into the substance and sniffs. He tilts his head back and
            savors it and looks back at Tejon with a grin.

            DONAL
            Not bad. New provider?

            TEJON
            New management.

            DONAL
            Trustworthy?

            TEJON
            Ironclad. My own blood.

            Donal gives his men the thumbs up, heads back to the semi and
            supervises the loading.
            79.


            Two men approach the group, MANUEL and SERGIO, both stone-
            cold sicarios.

            When Tejon sees them, he throws his hands in the air.

            TEJON
            Why are you here?

            MANUEL
            You told us to be here.

            TEJON
            Is that so?

            Tejon turns to Mendigo.

            MENDIGO
            I didn’t say anything.

            Tejon rounds on the sicarios, a gun suddenly in his hand.

            MANUEL
            We got a call from Bicho! He said
            you wanted us here.

            TEJON
            Bicho told you?

            Tejon snatches a walkie-talkie from Peloncillo’s belt and
            keys it.

            TEJON
            Ramon, sitrep...? Ramon!
            Marcelo...?

            Only STATIC comes from the walkie-talkie.

            With a silent look, Mendigo, Peloncillo, Manuel, and Sergio
            spread out and draw their weapons.

            Mendigo inches to one side of the warehouse between boxes.
            Suddenly, a body SLAMS on the floor at his feet!

            Everyone looks up and catch a glimpse of Seth running from a
            catwalk to the platform. The men FIRE and barely miss.

            TEJON
            Go get the bastard!

            The men go up the stairway as Tejon goes to the body and
            kneels next to it and shakes it.

            TEJON
            Ramon!
            80.


            Dead. Tejon clenches a hand now smeared with blood. He heads
            for the stairs.

            Through a side door, Renata slips inside. She spots the
            breaker box and hides behind the shelf in shadows.


            MEZZANINE PLATFORM

            Poorly lit. Half-filled with machinery and stacks of boxes.
            The men reach the top, fan out and search.

            A thug rounds a stack of boxes to find an empty corner. As he
            turns, he stares down the barrel of a gun. A MUZZLE FLARE and
            his head snaps back. He falls lifeless.

            The rest of the mob moves in that direction.


            SETH

            Turns just as two thugs appear in front of him. Two shots in
            quick succession. Two more limp bodies fall.


            RENATA

            From her hiding spot, views the muzzle flashes strobing
            against the walls in time with GUNSHOTS.

            DONAL (O.S.)
            Keep loading!

            She looks in that direction. Donal’s men hurriedly pick up
            boxes and toss them in the semi trailer.

            She moves to the breaker box and flips the switches. Lights
            go out throughout the warehouse.


            RECEIVING BAY

            With light filtering in from the open bay door, Donal’s men
            rush to get as many boxes into the trailer as possible. The
            Driver sees the one-sided fight happening upstairs. He drops
            his box and moves toward the cab.

            DONAL
            Where the fuck are you going? Grab
            that box!

            DRIVER
            Fuck that. I didn’t sign up to get
            massacred.
            81.


            DONAL
            So, you’re leaving?

            DRIVER
            Yup. I’m outta here.

            Donal draws his gun and SHOOTS the Driver in the face.

            DONAL
            Now I’ve got to drive this fucking
            thing.

            Donal notices his men have frozen.

            DONAL
            What are you staring at? Keep
            loading!


            RENATA

            Sees one of the men pick up a box in front of her. When he
            turns, Renata follows, staying close behind.

            The man lays the box down and Renata immediately hides behind
            a stack of crates and waits.

            She tentatively pulls out the gun and pleadingly looks up
            toward the heavens.

            RENATA
            Please God help me. Guide my hand,
            so that I can do your will.


            MEZZANINE PLATFORM

            The gunshots subside. Flashlight beams crisscross as several
            men, including Tejon and Peloncillo, converge in an open
            area.

            TEJON
            Please tell me someone shot him.

            The men shake their heads and shrug their shoulders.
            Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

            Summary In a tense and suspenseful scene set in a warehouse at night, a group of men load boxes onto pallets while waiting for a semi to arrive. Donal hands Tejon an envelope and they discuss troubles with a reporter. Donal tests cocaine and approves. Manuel and Sergio arrive, claiming they were told to be there by Bicho. Tejon finds Ramon dead and the group searches for Seth. Renata sneaks into the warehouse and turns off the lights. Donal shoots the semi driver and orders his men to keep loading. Renata hides behind crates and follows a man. Tejon and his men converge, discovering Seth has escaped.
            Strengths
            • Tense atmosphere
            • Sharp dialogue
            • Well-executed action sequences
            Weaknesses
            • Limited character development

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of tension and danger. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the power dynamics between the characters. The action sequences are well-executed and add to the suspense. The scene effectively sets up the climax of the story.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a drug deal gone wrong and a confrontation between rival criminals is a familiar one in crime thrillers. However, the scene adds unique elements such as the unexpected appearance of additional gunmen and the use of a switchblade to reveal a hidden stash of cocaine.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene revolves around the drug deal and the escalating tension between the characters. The unexpected arrival of additional gunmen and the ensuing shootout raises the stakes and propels the story forward.

            Originality: 6

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a warehouse and the presence of illegal activities are familiar elements, the specific dynamics between the characters and the dialogue exchanges add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


            Character Development

            Characters: 8

            The characters in the scene are well-defined and their motivations and relationships are established through their dialogue and actions. El Tejon is portrayed as a powerful and confident leader, while Donal is shown as a more cautious and nervous individual. The additional gunmen add a sense of unpredictability to the scene.

            Character Changes: 7

            While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the actions and decisions of the characters reveal their personalities and motivations. The scene sets up potential character arcs and conflicts for future development.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and handle the troubles they are facing, as indicated by Tejon's statement 'It’s the life we have chosen. Nothing I cannot handle.' This reflects their desire for power, control, and the ability to handle any situation that comes their way.

            External Goal: 7

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive and load boxes onto the semi trailer. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as they need to complete the task efficiently and without any issues.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 10

            The scene is filled with conflict, both verbal and physical. The tension between rival criminals, the unexpected arrival of additional gunmen, and the ensuing shootout create a high level of conflict and danger.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces unexpected challenges and threats. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension and suspense.

            High Stakes: 10

            The scene involves a high-stakes drug deal, the presence of rival criminals, and the unexpected arrival of additional gunmen. The characters' lives are at risk, and the outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene moves the story forward by escalating the tension and conflict between the characters. It sets up the climax of the story and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the arrival of Manuel and Sergio, the dead body of Ramon, and the sudden darkness caused by Renata. These elements create suspense and keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

            Philosophical Conflict: 6

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Tejon's belief in his own power and control, and the potential doubts and nervousness of the people on Donal's end. This challenges Tejon's worldview and values, as he needs to reassure them and maintain their trust.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene evokes a sense of tension, fear, and suspense. The violence and danger create an emotional impact on the audience, as they are invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

            Dialogue: 9

            The dialogue in the scene is sharp and reveals the power dynamics and tensions between the characters. It effectively conveys their personalities and motivations. The dialogue also adds to the suspense and tension of the scene.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation, introduces conflicts and tensions, and keeps the reader or viewer invested in the outcome. The fast-paced action and dialogue exchanges contribute to the engagement level.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are well-balanced, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and understanding of the scene.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, presents the conflict, and builds towards a climax. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


            Critique
            • The scene lacks clear objectives for Seth and Renata. It is not clear what they are trying to accomplish in the warehouse.
            • The dialogue between Tejon and Donal feels forced and lacks depth. It could benefit from more subtext and tension.
            • The action sequences are described in a vague and confusing manner. It is difficult to visualize the movements and positions of the characters.
            • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax. It ends abruptly without a satisfying conclusion.
            • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.
            Suggestions
            • Clarify the objectives of Seth and Renata in the warehouse. What are they trying to accomplish? Are they looking for something specific or trying to gather information?
            • Revise the dialogue between Tejon and Donal to add more subtext and tension. Explore their relationship and motivations in greater depth.
            • Rewrite the action sequences to provide clearer and more detailed descriptions of the characters' movements and positions. This will help the reader visualize the scene more effectively.
            • Create a clear resolution or climax for the scene. Consider adding a moment of heightened tension or a decisive action that resolves the conflict between the characters.
            • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension. Use vivid language to paint a picture in the reader's mind.



            Scene 23 -  Warehouse Showdown
            TEJON
            All those fireworks and nothing?
            Peloncillo?

            PELONCILLO
            I didn’t see him.
            82.


            TEJON
            I could have hired a clown alley
            instead of you people. Mr. Barrett!
            You’ve had your fun! We know you’re
            here! This only ends one way.

            Flashlights scour the boxes. Hands grip on boxcutters and two-
            by-fours and fingers tighten on triggers.

            TEJON
            I know what it’s like to want
            revenge. To have that feeling
            gnawing away inside you, then have
            the sweet release of your enemy’s
            brains spilling all over your
            shoes.

            Fear and anticipation flash across the men’s faces.

            A CLATTER by a stack of boxes causes everyone with guns to
            FIRE relentlessly until they run out of ammo. As they
            reload...

            Thug 1 holds a two-by-four in a batting stance.

            SETH (O.S.)
            Boo.

            Thug 1 spins and swings.

            Seth ducks the swing and the two-by-four SMASHES Thug 2’s
            head.

            Mayhem ensues! Those that have reloaded frantically FIRE.

            Seth ducks, spins, rolls, kicks, no-look SHOOTS, and
            dispatches the thugs one by one.

            Peloncillo FIRES his last shot and the gun locks in the slide
            position. He throws the gun away and backs away from the
            fight. As he nears the railing...

            Seth twists Thug 3’s arm -- directs the aim -- FIRES at
            Peloncillo.

            The chest shot sends Peloncillo flying over the railing.


            RECEIVING BAY

            Donal’s men carry the last few boxes in the trailer.

            DONAL
            Let’s go.
            83.


            Donal reaches up for the trailer door.

            From her hiding spot, Renata sees Donal pull down the trailer
            door and lock it. She resigns herself and sneaks up on him.

            Donal turns for a last look and they lock eyes. The golden
            gun trembles in her hands. She can’t bring herself to do it.

            DONAL
            You bitch!

            Her hesitation allows Donal to BACKHAND her. Renata falls to
            the floor. She fumbles the golden gun and it cartwheels on
            the concrete floor.

            As Donal approaches she tries to crab crawl away.

            DONAL
            Where are you going?

            Donal yanks her by the ankles, slamming her onto her back.
            Before she can recover, he gets on top of her and places his
            knee on her throat. Renata gasps noiselessly for air.

            She spies the gun. It’s a few feet away.

            Her eyelids flutter sleepily.

            DONAL
            Yeah, that’s it.

            In a desperate move, Renata drives a knee into Donal’s
            kidney. He hisses and stiffens, lifting his knee off her just
            enough. Then, with both feet on the ground, she arches her
            back and catapults him over her head.

            Renata sucks in air. She lunges for the golden gun and grabs
            it, holds her aim on Donal.

            Donal looks back with hate.

            DONAL
            You stupid slut!

            Donal digs in his jacket, drawing out a gun.

            Renata FIRES! A look of abject shock on her face.


            MEZZANINE PLATFORM

            As Seth dispatches the last thug, he hears the GUNSHOT and
            looks down. He sees Donal’s lifeless body by Renata. A
            surprised grin crosses Seth’s face.
            84.


            The distraction disrupts the fight’s pattern. Tejon slashes
            Seth’s arm with his scorpion-tipped knife!

            Seth staggers backward holding his wounded arm.

            TEJON
            Ah! So, you can bleed.

            Tejon brandishes the knife with a grin then lunges forward.

            Seth deflects the blow. Tejon yanks back the knife leaving a
            gash on the back of Seth’s hand.

            Facing away, Seth picks up a thug’s discarded two-by-four.

            Tejon charges. Seth spins and blocks the thrust leaving the
            knife impaled on the wood.

            Seth torques the two-by-four, ripping the knife from Tejon’s
            grasp. Then both the knife and two-by-four CLATTER down to
            the first floor.

            Tejon PUNCHES Seth in the mouth!

            Seth swings and misses. Tejon knees him in the ribs.

            Seth sees Renata hesitating.

            SETH
            Go Renata!


            RENATA

            Grabs the keys from Donal’s belt. She rushes to the cab and
            opens the passenger side door. She tries the keys on the
            glove compartment. It opens to reveal--

            A large stuffed maroon envelope. She snatches it.

            She looks back toward the warehouse... turns and runs into
            the night.


            SETH AND TEJON

            They circle each other. Seth with a busted lip and wounded
            arm.

            TEJON
            What’s the matter, Mr. Barrett? Not
            so invincible anymore.
            85.


            Seth takes another useless swing with his good arm that Tejon
            easily blocks and SLUGS Seth in the jaw.

            TEJON
            It’s like your timing took a nap.
            You lost, as you Americans say,
            your mojo.

            Tejon fakes a punch. Seth falls for it and goes for the block
            and instead gets punched on his wounded shoulder. He grunts
            in pain.

            TEJON
            You were prancing around like a
            deadly mariachi. But now you’re
            stumbling around like a drunken
            beggar playing the skin flute.

            Tejon closes in and PUNCHES Seth in the face. Seth spins with
            the momentum and backhands Tejon in the nose.

            Blood spurts from Tejon’s nose. He smiles with delight.

            TEJON
            Yes! That’s better. It’s no fun to
            win without a fight.

            Tejon kicks Seth in the stomach and doubles him over followed
            by an uppercut which sends Seth backwards and lands on his
            back near the railing.

            TEJON
            This would only be more satisfying
            if I could shoot that puta in front
            of you first.

            Tejon grabs a gun from one of his dead men. He pulls the
            trigger. CLICK. CLICK.

            Seth begins to laugh.

            TEJON
            Something funny my soon-to-be-dead
            friend?

            Seth struggles up on an elbow.

            SETH
            Yes there is. Renata has the
            evidence. All the protection you
            had from the police is about to fly
            away. Every enemy you have is about
            to pounce on you.
            86.


            Tejon picks up another gun and checks it for ammo.
            Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

            Summary Tejon and his men search for Seth and Renata in a warehouse. A fight breaks out between Seth and Tejon's men. Renata retrieves a large envelope from Donal's truck. Tejon and Seth engage in a final fight. Seth reveals that Renata has evidence against Tejon. Tejon checks his gun for ammo.
            Strengths
            • Intense action sequences
            • Suspenseful atmosphere
            • Surprising twist
            Weaknesses
            • Limited exploration of theme

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension. The action sequences are well-executed, and the dialogue adds depth to the characters and their motivations. The twist involving Renata and Donal adds an unexpected element to the scene. Overall, it is a thrilling and impactful moment in the screenplay.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a final showdown between the protagonist and the antagonist is a classic element in action and thriller genres. The scene effectively builds up the tension and showcases the skills and determination of the protagonist. The twist involving Renata adds an innovative element to the concept.

            Plot: 9

            The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist, Seth, facing off against the antagonist, Tejon, in a warehouse. The stakes are high, with Seth trying to protect Renata and retrieve the evidence. The action and suspense drive the plot forward, leading to a surprising twist and a satisfying resolution.

            Originality: 6

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a confrontation between the protagonist and the antagonist is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and fresh. The writer's portrayal of violence and the consequences of revenge adds a unique twist to the scene.


            Character Development

            Characters: 8

            The characters in the scene, particularly Seth and Tejon, are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Seth's determination and skills are showcased through his actions, while Tejon's sadistic nature and desire for revenge are evident. Renata's hesitation and eventual triumph add depth to her character. The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and adds tension to the scene.

            Character Changes: 7

            The character changes in the scene are subtle but significant. Renata goes from hesitation and fear to triumph and determination. Seth's determination and resilience are further reinforced. Tejon's sadistic nature and desire for revenge are consistent throughout the scene.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect Renata. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and his fear of losing someone he cares about.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat Tejon and his men and retrieve the evidence. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the action forward. The physical confrontations between Seth and Tejon, as well as the emotional conflict between Renata and Donal, add tension and suspense. The conflict between the characters' goals and motivations creates a high-stakes situation.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple armed thugs and a powerful antagonist. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will go and whether the protagonist will succeed.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes in the scene are extremely high. Seth is fighting to protect Renata and retrieve the evidence, while Tejon is driven by revenge. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Seth and Tejon and advancing the plot. The twist involving Renata and Donal adds a new element to the story and raises the stakes. The retrieval of the evidence and Renata's escape propel the story towards its climax.

            Unpredictability: 7

            This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as Seth's sudden appearance and his ability to dispatch the thugs. The reader is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Tejon's belief in revenge and Seth's belief in justice. Tejon's desire for revenge challenges Seth's values and worldview.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene evokes fear, anticipation, anger, and desperation in the characters and the audience. The intense action and suspenseful moments create an emotional impact. The twist involving Renata and Donal adds an additional layer of emotion to the scene.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue in the scene is impactful and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions. It adds tension and conflict to the scene, particularly in the exchanges between Seth and Tejon. The dialogue also showcases the characters' distinct personalities and adds depth to their interactions.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it is filled with intense action and suspense. The reader is invested in the outcome of the confrontation between the protagonist and the antagonist, as well as the fate of the other characters.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with quick action sequences and minimal downtime. This contributes to the effectiveness of the scene by keeping the reader engaged and maintaining a sense of urgency.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions.

            Structure: 8

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a buildup of tension, a confrontation between the protagonist and the antagonist, and a resolution.


            Critique
            • The scene starts off with a strong sense of tension and anticipation as Tejon expresses his frustration with his men and their inability to find Seth and Renata.
            • The action sequences are well-written and engaging, with Seth dispatching the thugs one by one in a chaotic and violent manner.
            • Renata's struggle with Donal adds another layer of tension to the scene, and her eventual triumph over him showcases her strength and determination.
            • The dialogue between Tejon and Seth during their final fight is intense and adds to the emotional stakes of the scene.
            • The revelation that Renata has evidence against Tejon adds a twist to the conflict and raises the stakes even higher.
            • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Tejon checking his gun for ammo and Seth revealing that Renata has evidence against him.
            Suggestions
            • Consider adding more description and sensory details to enhance the visual elements of the scene and immerse the reader in the action.
            • Explore the characters' emotions and internal thoughts more deeply to further engage the reader and heighten the tension.
            • Consider adding more dialogue to reveal the characters' motivations and further develop their relationships.
            • Ensure that the pacing of the action sequences is clear and easy to follow for the reader.
            • Consider adding more conflict and obstacles for the characters to overcome to increase the suspense and keep the reader engaged.
            • Consider adding more foreshadowing or hints about the evidence Renata has against Tejon to build anticipation and intrigue.



            Scene 24 -  Deadly Showdown in the Warehouse
            TEJON
            She won’t get far. But don’t worry
            I’ll give her special attention
            before I send her to join you.

            He tosses the gun away.

            TEJON
            I really should have hired clowns.

            Tejon finds another gun, checks the magazine: One bullet.

            TEJON
            Ah, finally.

            Seth watches Tejon, knowing his death is near.

            RENATA (o.S.)
            Seth!

            Seth turns to see Renata has returned and rushes towards him.
            She tosses the golden gun up to him.

            Tejon stares, frozen in disbelief.

            TEJON
            That’s my gun!

            Seth gets on his knees and reaches for the gun. He misses it
            and it fumbles down next to him.

            Tejon slams the magazine back into his pistol.

            Seth grabs the golden gun. Both men aim simultaneously...

            But Seth FIRES first. Tejon SHOOTS wild. He staggers back and
            ends up staring at a bloody wound in his chest. He gasps for
            air with a look of stupid surprise.

            BLAM! A shot in his gut. He slumps back against a box,
            wheezing from blood-flecked lips.


            RENATA

            Notices Peloncillo’s corpse and sees a maroon envelope, just
            like the one she has, protruding from his jacket. She
            snatches it before rushing up the stairs.
            87.


            MEZZANINE PLATFORM

            Renata makes it to the top of the platform and races to Seth.
            She inspects his wounds.

            SETH
            I’m alright.

            Tejon, breathing shallowly, chuckles.

            TEJON
            You think you’ve won? You think
            you’ve even made a difference?

            Tejon gurgles more blood and winces in pain.

            TEJON
            Someone else will take my place,
            just like I took the one before me.

            RENATA
            This isn’t a game. I don’t care
            about you. I want to find Ximena.

            Tejon looks momentarily confused then brightens. With great
            effort to speak...

            TEJON
            All of this carnage... for such an
            insignificant thing? Go to Cerro La
            Meseta, outside the city. On the
            east end, by the... largest tree.
            She’ll be waiting for you there,
            but I’m afraid she won’t be... much
            of a conversationalist.

            Tejon manages his last chuckle, then a shudder passes over
            him and he dies.

            SETH
            Let’s go.

            They turn and move off.


            EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

            Renata has parked Seth’s car near the receiving bay, engine
            still running.

            Seth and Renata exit the warehouse through the receiving bay,
            jump in the car and peel off.
            88.


            INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

            In the passenger seat, Renata clutches both envelopes to her
            chest and watches the dark road ahead in disbelief.

            RENATA
            We did it. I can’t believe it.

            SETH
            Yeah...

            She looks at Seth and sees that he is in shock. A thought
            dawns on her.

            RENATA
            That was the first time, wasn’t it?
            The first time I killed that man,
            not the sixth like you said.

            Seth turns to her and sees she’s looking straight at him for
            an answer.

            SETH
            Yeah. I had to lie so you’d go
            through with it.

            Renata sits back and absorbs the information.

            SETH
            You know if the British hadn’t kept
            quiet about solving Enigma, we
            could have lost to the Nazis.
            Doesn’t your Bible say it? For
            everything there is a season.

            RENATA
            It does... and the song isn’t
            terrible either.

            Seth winces, grabbing his injured arm.

            Renata opens the envelope she retrieved from the truck. She
            removes a sheath of papers and flips through them.

            RENATA
            This is it. A few U.S. border
            agents are involved, one Homeland
            Security agent... a Coast Guard
            Master Chief, Eric Johnson, is on
            the payroll. So is Greg Krikorian,
            the District Attorney for L.A.
            89.


            She stuffs the papers back in and opens the second envelope.
            She pulls out a cell phone with a decorative case. It’s
            Ximena’s phone.

            She presses the power button and it turns on. An “Enter
            Passcode” screen comes up. Renata closes her eyes and inputs
            the six-digit code.

            The phone unlocks. She scrolls to the gallery app. She clicks
            on a video thumbnail.


            INSERT VIDEO

            Bicho’s grinning face fills the screen.

            BICHO
            We’re on a way to the funeral. Some
            friends will be there to make sure
            it’s done right. I’m here with the
            gang and the guest of honor.

            The image shifts to Ximena, in the backseat of a car, in
            tears. Seated next to her is Sergio. Laughing and hollering
            can be heard.

            BICHO (O.S.)
            Say hello, Ximena.

            Ximena lowers her head in despair.

            BICHO (O.S.)
            She’s a little camera shy on her
            special day. Any last wishes?

            Ximena looks up, tear-streaked but solemn.

            XIMENA
            You’re going to leave my parents
            without a daughter and your own
            niece without her best friend...
            I’d like to tell you to go fuck
            yourself but Renata wouldn’t want
            that. She’s a good person. She is
            kind. So, for her, I say may God’s
            light show you the way for the rest
            of your life.

            The image shifts to the driver, Manuel.

            BICHO (O.S.)
            Hey, Manuel, what do you pray to?

            Manuel makes a turn down a dirt road next to a wire fence.
            90.


            MANUEL
            Shit. I pray to everything just to
            cover my ass.

            All the men laugh. The video ends.


            BACK TO SCENE

            Renata covers her mouth and tears run down her cheeks.


            EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

            Seth’s car reaches a fork and makes a right turn toward some
            hills.
            Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

            Summary Tejon threatens Seth and Renata in a warehouse at night. Renata saves Seth by tossing him the golden gun. Seth and Tejon engage in a tense shootout, resulting in Tejon's death. Renata discovers a maroon envelope on Peloncillo's corpse, revealing the names of corrupt officials involved in Ximena's kidnapping. She watches a video of Ximena's last moments. Seth and Renata leave the warehouse and head towards some hills.
            Strengths
            • Intense action
            • Unexpected twists
            • Emotional moments
            • Revelations
            Weaknesses
            • Some dialogue could be more impactful

            Ratings
            Overall

            Overall: 9

            The scene is filled with intense action, suspense, and emotional moments. The unexpected twists and revelations keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


            Story Content

            Concept: 8

            The concept of a final showdown between the protagonist and the main antagonist is a classic element in action thrillers. The scene also introduces new information about the corrupt officials involved, adding depth to the overall plot.

            Plot: 9

            The plot reaches a climax in this scene as Seth and Renata confront Tejon and ultimately defeat him. The scene also reveals important information about Ximena's whereabouts and the corrupt officials involved, driving the story forward.

            Originality: 6

            The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and themes of revenge and justice are familiar in the crime genre, the inclusion of the golden gun adds a unique and fresh element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also adds to the originality of the scene.


            Character Development

            Characters: 9

            The characters' actions and emotions are well-developed in this scene. Seth's determination to defeat Tejon, Renata's bravery and loyalty, and Tejon's arrogance and eventual demise create a compelling dynamic.

            Character Changes: 8

            Renata undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a grieving sister seeking revenge to a determined ally fighting for justice. Seth also experiences a change in his relationship with Renata, as he reveals the truth about the previous killings.

            Internal Goal: 8

            The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect their loved ones. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of losing the people they care about.

            External Goal: 9

            The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat the antagonist and obtain information about Ximena's whereabouts. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as well as their determination to bring justice to those who have wronged them.


            Scene Elements

            Conflict Level: 9

            The conflict between Seth and Tejon is intense and high-stakes. The scene also introduces conflict with the corrupt officials and the emotional conflict within Renata.

            Opposition: 8

            The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of defeating the antagonist and obtaining the information they need. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

            High Stakes: 10

            The stakes are high in this scene as Seth and Renata face off against Tejon, risking their lives to save Ximena and expose the corrupt officials.

            Story Forward: 9

            The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Seth and Tejon, revealing important information about Ximena's whereabouts, and setting up the next phase of the plot involving the corrupt officials.

            Unpredictability: 8

            This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist is uncertain. The reader does not know if the protagonist will be able to defeat the antagonist and obtain the information they need.

            Philosophical Conflict: 7

            There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and the antagonist's belief in power and control. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they are forced to confront the idea that their actions may not make a significant difference in the grand scheme of things.


            Audience Engagement

            Emotional Impact: 8

            The scene evokes emotions of tension, sadness, and defiance. The audience feels the stakes and the characters' determination.

            Dialogue: 8

            The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene. The final exchange between Tejon and Renata is particularly impactful.

            Engagement: 9

            This scene is engaging because it is filled with tension and suspense. The reader is invested in the outcome of the confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist, and the revelation of important information about Ximena adds an additional layer of intrigue.

            Pacing: 9

            The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are tightly woven together, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the reader engaged.


            Technical Aspect

            Formatting: 9

            The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is properly formatted with character names and dialogue tags, and the scene direction is clear and concise.

            Structure: 9

            The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist, leading to a climax where the protagonist defeats the antagonist and obtains important information. The scene then ends with a resolution as the characters leave the warehouse.


            Critique
            • The dialogue between Tejon and Seth feels a bit cliché and predictable. It lacks depth and originality.
            • The action sequences are described in a straightforward manner, without much creativity or excitement.
            • The emotional impact of the scene could be heightened by delving deeper into the characters' thoughts and feelings.
            • The transition between Tejon finding another gun and Renata returning with the golden gun feels abrupt and could be smoother.
            • The revelation of Renata finding the maroon envelope on Peloncillo's corpse feels rushed and could be given more significance.
            • The dialogue between Tejon and Renata lacks tension and could be more confrontational.
            • The final lines of dialogue between Seth and Renata feel forced and unnatural.
            • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and create a stronger sense of place.
            Suggestions
            • Revise the dialogue between Tejon and Seth to make it more unique and engaging. Consider adding subtext and layers to their conversation.
            • Inject more creativity and excitement into the action sequences by using vivid and dynamic language to describe the movements and emotions of the characters.
            • Explore the internal thoughts and emotions of Seth and Renata during the intense moments of the scene. This will help the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level.
            • Smooth out the transition between Tejon finding another gun and Renata returning with the golden gun. Consider adding a moment of tension or suspense to build anticipation.
            • Give more significance to Renata finding the maroon envelope on Peloncillo's corpse. This could be a pivotal moment that raises the stakes and adds complexity to the plot.
            • Add more tension and conflict to the dialogue between Tejon and Renata. Make their confrontation more intense and emotionally charged.
            • Rewrite the final lines of dialogue between Seth and Renata to make them feel more natural and authentic to the characters' voices.
            • Include more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and create a stronger sense of place. Use sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene.



            Scene 25 -  Confrontation and Discovery
            INT. SETH’S CAR - NIGHT

            Renata scrolls through the images in the gallery. One picture
            shows Ximena being escorted towards a lone big tree.

            The next one shows Ximena on her knees, next to the tree, and
            the group of men giving a thumbs up. Some familiar faces
            include Donal, Perezoso and Thin Man (last seen at the stash
            house).

            Renata takes a breath and switches to the texts. She scrolls
            and reads. Her mood clouds.

            RENATA
            Stop the car.

            SETH
            What?

            RENATA
            I said stop the car!

            Seth pulls to the side of the road and stops. Renata jumps
            out and SLAMS the door.


            EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

            Renata marches up the road, fists clenched.

            Seth exits the car in a rush.

            SETH
            What! What is it?
            91.


            RENATA
            It’s your fault! You’re the reason
            Ximena is dead!

            Seth catches up with her and grabs her arm. She yanks it
            away.

            SETH
            What the hell are you--

            RENATA
            She wanted to stop! She was ready
            to drop the story, but you pushed
            her to keep going.

            She pulls up the phone and reads the texts.

            RENATA
            “I don’t feel safe. I don’t think I
            should continue”. And you said,
            “Are you a professional or not?
            You’ll be fine. This is important.
            Pulitzer prize kind of stuff”.

            Renata lowers the phone with a mix of disbelief and anger.

            RENATA
            You manipulated her, and me. Is
            that all we are to you? Chess
            pieces you can move around so you
            can get your fucking story?

            SETH
            I promise you--

            RENATA
            Don’t! Don’t say that to me.

            She turns and marches off.

            SETH
            Renata, stop!

            Seth attempts to grab her but she pushes him off.

            RENATA
            Get away from me!

            SETH
            I didn’t think it would lead to
            this! I wouldn’t knowingly put her
            in harm’s way.
            92.


            RENATA
            Bullshit! You placed her in danger.

            SETH
            I was a selfish prick okay! Yes,
            all I cared about was my name on
            the by line without thinking of
            consequences. If you hate me for
            it, trust me I hate myself twice
            more. I wish it never happened.
            That I could go back and tell her
            to forget the whole thing... but I
            can’t. I’ve been sucked into this
            limbo where all I do is try to make
            things right. If I could trade
            places with her right now, I would.

            Seth nears Renata with a pleading look.

            SETH
            We have to find her. If you want to
            resent me after that, that’s fine.
            But let’s not stop now because of
            me. She deserves justice. Please.

            Renata looks away, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

            SETH
            Didn’t you say everyone needs
            forgiveness? Even the worst of us.

            Seth’s gaze sinks in shame.

            Renata looks over to Seth, outrage and compassion swirling
            within her before coalescing into steely resolve.

            RENATA
            Let’s finish this.


            INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

            As Seth drives, Renata scans the landscape. She snaps her
            head back as they pass by a dirt road next to a wire fence
            leading into the hillside.

            RENATA
            Stop! I think that’s the road.

            Seth brakes and backs up the car. He veers the car onto the
            dirt road.
            93.


            As they continue slowly up the road, Renata surveys the
            hills. She spots a large, desolate tree backlit by the
            distant city lights -- identical to the one from her vision.

            RENATA
            This has to be it!

            Seth barely stops the car in time before Renata bolts out.


            EXT. HILLSIDE - NIGHT

            Mostly barren hills loom under the moonlit sky. Renata races
            toward the tree.

            Seth exits and retrieves a shovel from the trunk. As he moves
            to join her, he notices a latticework of tire tracks where
            several vehicles entered and pulled out.


            EXT. LARGE TREE - NIGHT

            Renata arrives and uses her cell’s flashlight to search the
            ground. After a few moments, she finds disturbed earth the
            length of a grave.

            Seth joins her and they trade despairing looks. He gently
            inserts the shovel into the mound and scoops out dirt.

            Renata observes with dreadful anticipation.

            The stench of death forces her to cover her mouth.

            After several shovelfuls, Seth hits something. He glances at
            Renata. She joins him and they clear the remaining dirt until
            they uncover...

            WHITE ON BLACK MARY JANE SHOES worn by decomposing legs.

            Seth backs up, covering his mouth.

            Renata backs away and falls to her knees in tears.

            RENATA
            Oh, Ximena... we found you.

            She buries her face in her hands and sobs. Seth kneels beside
            her, facing the dirt mound. He dissolves in agony and grief.

            SETH
            I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...

            Moved by his regret, Renata holds his hand and turns towards
            the shallow grave. She begins her solemn “Our Father” prayer.
            94.


            Seth bows his head in reverence.


            EXT. HILLSIDE - NIGHT

            Police tape sections off the crime scene. Several parked
            police cruisers with flashing lights add a macabre festivity.
            Cops and detectives examine the scene.

            A REPORTER readies herself and faces the camera.

            REPORTER
            Good evening. Were here in the
            Cerro La Meseta region where police
            have located a body which they say
            could be that of Ximena Valdez, the
            reporter for Norte Libre who was
            abducted from her residence two
            weeks ago. An anonymous call gave
            authorities the location to a
            shallow grave which they have
            sectioned off...
            Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

            Summary Renata confronts Seth about his role in Ximena's death, blaming him for pushing her to continue investigating. Despite their initial conflict, they decide to continue the investigation together. They find Ximena's body in a shallow grave on a hillside. The scene ends with Renata and Seth praying over Ximena's body as the police arrive on the scene.
            Strengths
            • Intense dialogue
            • Emotional impact
            • Character development
            Weaknesses

              Ratings
              Overall

              Overall: 9

              The scene is emotionally charged and impactful, with strong dialogue and character development. The discovery of the body adds a significant twist to the plot.


              Story Content

              Concept: 8

              The concept of the scene, focusing on the consequences of the main character's actions and the search for justice, is well-executed.

              Plot: 9

              The plot takes a major turn with the discovery of the body, raising the stakes and adding a new layer of mystery.

              Originality: 6

              The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character confronting another for their role in someone's death is not entirely unique, the specific dynamics and emotions portrayed by the characters feel authentic and fresh.


              Character Development

              Characters: 9

              The characters' emotions and conflicts are portrayed effectively, especially Renata's anger and Seth's remorse.

              Character Changes: 9

              Both Renata and Seth experience significant character changes in this scene, with Renata's anger turning into determination and Seth's remorse leading to a desire for redemption.

              Internal Goal: 8

              The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront and blame Seth for Ximena's death. This reflects Renata's deeper need for justice and her fear of losing someone she cares about.

              External Goal: 7

              The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Ximena's body and bring her justice. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in solving the mystery of her disappearance.


              Scene Elements

              Conflict Level: 9

              The conflict between Renata and Seth is intense and emotionally charged, with high stakes involved.

              Opposition: 9

              The opposition in this scene is strong, as Renata confronts Seth and blames him for Ximena's death. The audience is unsure of how Seth will respond and whether Renata will find closure.

              High Stakes: 10

              The stakes are high as the characters are faced with the reality of Ximena's death and the need to find justice.

              Story Forward: 10

              The scene moves the story forward by revealing the fate of Ximena and setting up the next phase of the investigation.

              Unpredictability: 7

              This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected revelations and emotional reactions from the characters. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

              Philosophical Conflict: 0

              There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


              Audience Engagement

              Emotional Impact: 10

              The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly grief and anger, through the characters' performances and the discovery of the body.

              Dialogue: 10

              The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions.

              Engagement: 9

              This scene is engaging because it contains intense emotional moments, conflict between the characters, and a dramatic reveal. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the story.

              Pacing: 8

              The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and emotion. The dialogue and actions are well-timed, keeping the audience engaged.


              Technical Aspect

              Formatting: 9

              The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

              Structure: 8

              The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a dramatic reveal.


              Critique
              • The scene starts with Renata discovering incriminating evidence on Seth's phone, which is a significant revelation. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or a brief recap of the previous events.
              • The dialogue between Renata and Seth is emotionally charged and effectively conveys Renata's anger and grief. However, some of the dialogue could be tightened to make it more impactful and concise.
              • The scene lacks visual descriptions, especially during Renata's emotional outburst and Seth's pleading. Adding visual details can enhance the emotional impact of the scene and create a more vivid image for the reader.
              • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, especially when Renata discovers the evidence and confronts Seth. Slowing down the pace and allowing the emotions to breathe can create a more powerful and intense scene.
              • The transition from the confrontation to the decision to continue the investigation feels abrupt. Adding a moment of reflection or a brief exchange of dialogue to show the characters processing their emotions and making a conscious decision to move forward can make the transition smoother.
              • The discovery of Ximena's body is a crucial moment, but the description of the scene lacks sensory details. Adding sensory details like the smell of the decomposing body and the eerie silence of the hills can heighten the tension and create a more immersive experience for the reader.
              • The final moments of the scene, with Renata praying and Seth expressing his regret, are emotionally charged and poignant. However, the transition to the police arriving feels rushed and could benefit from a smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection.
              • Overall, the scene effectively conveys Renata's anger, grief, and determination, as well as Seth's remorse and desire for redemption. However, there are opportunities to enhance the emotional impact, pacing, and visual descriptions to create a more immersive and powerful scene.
              Suggestions
              • Consider adding a brief recap or smoother transition at the beginning of the scene to help the reader transition from the previous events.
              • Tighten the dialogue to make it more impactful and concise, focusing on the key emotions and conflicts between Renata and Seth.
              • Add visual descriptions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, especially during Renata's outburst and Seth's pleading.
              • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow the emotions to breathe and create a more powerful and intense atmosphere.
              • Add a moment of reflection or a brief exchange of dialogue to show the characters processing their emotions and consciously deciding to continue the investigation.
              • Include sensory details during the discovery of Ximena's body to heighten the tension and create a more immersive experience for the reader.
              • Smooth out the transition to the police arriving by adding a smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection.
              • Continue to explore and develop the emotional journey of Renata and Seth, focusing on their growth, redemption, and the resolution of their conflicts.



              Scene 26 -  Dreams and Tragedy
              INT. SETH’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT

              Seth sits with his shirt off, watching TV, while Renata
              stiches the cut on his arm.

              REPORTER (TV)
              ...We’re also learning that a gun
              made of gold was found at the scene
              which may belong to the cartel
              leader known as El Tejon, who died
              this evening at a warehouse
              shootout. A large amount of cocaine
              was seized from the...

              SETH
              The whole world is going to be
              shocked when the story goes live in
              the morning.

              Seth reaches for the remote with his free hand and switches
              off the TV.

              RENATA
              Stop moving. It’s been a while.

              SETH
              Who was the last victim?
              95.


              RENATA
              Me. I was covering a protest that
              turned into a riot. Someone threw a
              beer bottle and a shard went in my
              leg.

              SETH
              You stitched up yourself? I feel
              like a wuss.

              RENATA
              You should. Anyway, it wasn’t my
              first choice, but I didn’t want to
              worry Dolores.

              Renata smiles and finishes up the stitching. Seth sees the
              result and looks impressed.

              SETH
              Thank you... for everything.

              They stare at each other. They draw closer for a kiss... but
              Renata looks down last second. Now, she’s not ready.

              RENATA
              I... I need to rest.

              Seth nods.


              INT. SETH’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY

              Beneath the sheets, Renata sleeps. The dawn light floods the
              room along with the gentle WHITE NOISE of morning traffic.

              The HONK of a car horn makes her eyelids flutter open. She
              lifts her head up, rubs sleep from her eyes and looks around.
              She notices Seth asleep on the carpet floor with a blanket
              and pillow.

              RENATA
              Good morning.

              Seth opens his eyes, smiling as he sees Renata. His eyes then
              pop wide and he bolts to a sitting position.

              RENATA
              What?

              SETH
              You’re here.

              Seth immediately grabs his cell phone and reads the screen.
              96.


              SETH
              It’s Thursday! It’s past the twenty-
              third hour.

              A dog BARKING in the neighborhood causes Seth to hop out of
              bed, clad only in a T-shirt and shorts. He moves to the
              window and parts the curtains, bathing him in sunlight. He
              takes in the view with awe.

              Renata, cloaked in the sheet, comes up behind. They see cars,
              pedestrians, a lady walking her Chihuahua.

              SETH
              I’ve never seen these people
              before...

              RENATA
              See, all you need is some faith.

              Seth’s cell phone CHIMES with a notification. He looks at it.
              He rushes to his laptop and mouses away from the screensaver.

              SETH
              The article’s up.

              Renata gets closer and they both view the article with the
              headline, “COLLUSION: Cartels and Politicians form a Crime
              Syndicate by Seth Barrett, Ximena Valdez, and Renata Diaz”.

              SETH
              The story wouldn’t exist without
              you.

              RENATA
              What do we do next?

              SETH
              For the first time in a thousand
              days, I have no clue... getting
              breakfast would be nice.

              Renata looks at Seth, surprised that he switched to Spanish.

              RENATA
              Yeah... but, I need some time with
              my family. Could you drop me off?

              Seth purses his lips, hiding his disappointment.

              SETH
              Yeah, of course.

              They start getting dressed. Seth goes to the wall-mounted key
              holder by the front door and pockets the keys.
              97.


              Renata makes a call on her cell phone.

              DOLORES (CELL PHONE)
              Nata?

              RENATA
              Hey, good morning.

              DOLORES
              Where are you? I saw everything on
              the news but I didn’t know if you
              were okay.

              RENATA
              Yes, I’m fine. Everything worked
              out. What about you and Eduardo?

              DOLORES
              Irene is a worse cook than you, but
              her place is nice. So, if it’s
              over, can we come back home?

              RENATA
              Let’s give it a day to let things
              quiet down. I’ll come to you, have
              Irene share your location with me.

              DOLORES
              Yeah, okay. I love you, Nata.

              RENATA
              I love you, Loli.


              EXT. STREET - DAY

              Seth’s pulls out of the parking spot and travels at a
              moderate pace through the bustling traffic. They arrive at a
              red light of a busy intersection.


              INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

              Renata notices a decrepit Ford Taurus coming to a stop next
              to them on Seth’s side.

              Renata turns and her eyes settle on the man in the passenger
              seat. His skunk-streaked hair and a scar running from brow to
              chin are familiar. It’s the man she thought was following her
              while driving to work.

              The SKUNK MAN steps out of the passenger side, gun in hand.
              He raises his gun and SHOOTS!
              98.


              The driver’s side window SHATTERS! Seth slumps with a fatal
              head wound. BLOOD splatters Renata. She screams in horror!

              The Skunk Man redirects his aim at her and he FIRES!


              INT. SETH’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY

              Renata lunges into frame with an outcry. Utterly confused,
              she sees Seth asleep on the floor. She turns as a car HONKS.

              Renata silently slides out of bed and inspects the room.
              Seth’s suitcase on the counter. Everything looks the same.

              She trembles as a dawning realization slams into her mind.A
              dog BARKING outside draws her toward the window.

              Everything outside looks exactly the same as before. The
              cars, pedestrians, the lady walking her Chihuahua. Tears well
              up in her eyes.

              She jolts as her cell RINGS. Uncertain, she answers it.

              RENATA
              Hello?

              DOLORES (CELL PHONE)
              Where are you? I saw everything on
              the news but I didn’t know if you
              were okay.

              RENATA
              Oh my God...

              Renata looks at the time and date on the cell phone. It’s
              Thursday. She drops the phone in shock and rushes off.
              Dolores’s voice is the only thing heard.

              DOLORES
              Renata? Renata what’s wrong!
              Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

              Summary In Seth's apartment bedroom, Renata stitches up a cut on Seth's arm while they watch a news report about a cartel leader's death. They share a moment of intimacy and discuss their past injuries before deciding to get breakfast together. The next morning, Renata wakes up to find Seth asleep on the floor. They discover that the story they wrote has been published and decide to go out for breakfast. While stopped at a red light, a man from a previous scene shoots and kills Seth before turning the gun on Renata. The scene then cuts back to Renata waking up in bed, realizing it was all a dream.
              Strengths
              • Strong emotional impact
              • Effective portrayal of vulnerability
              • Engaging plot progression
              Weaknesses
              • Limited exploration of theme

              Ratings
              Overall

              Overall: 9

              The scene effectively combines tension, emotion, and suspense to create a powerful and memorable moment in the story.


              Story Content

              Concept: 8

              The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a violent event and the characters' reactions, is well-executed and engaging.

              Plot: 9

              The plot of the scene is crucial in revealing the consequences of the characters' actions and setting up the next stage of the story.

              Originality: 4

              The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not offer any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


              Character Development

              Characters: 9

              The characters' vulnerability and emotional depth are effectively portrayed, creating a strong connection with the audience.

              Character Changes: 8

              Renata experiences a significant emotional shift, realizing the fragility of life and the importance of her loved ones.

              Internal Goal: 8

              The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to process and come to terms with the events that have transpired, as well as to find a sense of safety and stability.

              External Goal: 7

              The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure Renata's safety and drop her off with her family.


              Scene Elements

              Conflict Level: 8

              The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' internal struggles and the external threat they face.

              Opposition: 8

              The opposition in this scene is strong, as the characters are faced with a life-threatening situation that they must overcome.

              High Stakes: 9

              The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of violence and must navigate the aftermath of a dangerous situation.

              Story Forward: 9

              The scene moves the story forward by revealing the consequences of the characters' actions and setting up the next stage of the narrative.

              Unpredictability: 6

              This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a sudden and shocking event that disrupts the expected narrative trajectory.

              Philosophical Conflict: 0

              There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


              Audience Engagement

              Emotional Impact: 9

              The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly shock, confusion, horror, and love.

              Dialogue: 8

              The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters' past experiences and their relationship.

              Engagement: 7

              This scene is engaging because it presents a tense and suspenseful situation, with the audience invested in the safety and well-being of the characters.

              Pacing: 9

              The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of the actions contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


              Technical Aspect

              Formatting: 9

              The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in the correct format.

              Structure: 8

              The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into a series of dialogue exchanges and character actions.


              Critique
              • The scene starts off with Seth and Renata in an intimate moment, but the transition from the previous scene feels abrupt and disjointed.
              • The dialogue between Seth and Renata feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially when they discuss their past injuries.
              • The pacing of the scene is slow and lacks tension, especially considering the intense and violent events that have occurred in previous scenes.
              • The shooting at the end of the scene feels out of place and doesn't fit with the tone and emotional arc of the story.
              • The dream sequence at the end of the scene feels unnecessary and confusing, as it doesn't add any meaningful development to the story.
              Suggestions
              • Consider revising the transition into this scene to make it flow more smoothly from the previous events. Maybe start with Seth and Renata discussing their plan or reflecting on the recent events.
              • Work on making the dialogue between Seth and Renata more natural and authentic. Focus on their emotions and reactions to the situation rather than forcing them to discuss their past injuries.
              • Increase the tension and suspense in the scene by adding more urgency and conflict. Maybe have Seth and Renata discuss their fears and concerns about the article going live and the potential consequences.
              • Reconsider the shooting at the end of the scene. It feels like a random and unnecessary event that doesn't serve the overall story. Instead, focus on building up the emotional connection between Seth and Renata.
              • Remove the dream sequence at the end of the scene. It adds confusion and doesn't contribute to the overall narrative. Instead, consider ending the scene with Seth and Renata making a decision or having a moment of realization.



              Scene 27 -  Renata Saves Seth
              INT. SETH’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY

              Seth is asleep. He wakes up, turns, and notices Renata isn’t
              there. In the midst of confusion, he looks around.

              SETH
              Renata? Renata!

              No response. He grabs his phone, checks the date and smiles.

              SETH
              Thursday...
              99.


              He rises and sees Renata’s phone on the floor. He reaches
              down, picks it up. He dresses quickly, moves to the wall-
              mounted key holder. It’s empty.


              EXT. STREET - DAY

              Seth ambles down the sidewalk, scanning for Renata. He
              ignores the street vendor and keeps going forward.

              The decrepit Ford Taurus rolls by and stops. The Skunk Man
              steps out of the passenger side, gun drawn, murder in his
              eyes. He beelines for Seth, raises his gun.

              TIRES SCREECH TO A HALT! Both men turn...

              Renata jumps out of Seth’s car and darts straight for Skunk
              Man, no fear in her eyes.

              Skunk Man redirects his aim at her and squeezes several
              SHOTS.

              With predictive power, Renata sidesteps and ducks. All the
              bullets miss! She reaches Skunk Man.

              He raises his gun to pistol whip Renata. She deflects his
              blow, whips her body up, wrapping her legs around his neck
              and snap rolls him to the ground! His gun skitters away.

              Renata collects the gun. As Skunk Man readies to lunge, she
              blows him away!

              The driver in the Ford Taurus makes a move. Renata pivots and
              SHOOTS. The driver collapses, dead. The gentle soul we met at
              the beginning is now a full-fledged killer.

              Renata sticks the gun in the back of her pants and moves to
              the driver’s side of Seth’s car.

              RENATA
              Seth! Get in the car!

              Seth gapes in utter shock. Renata moves closer and pulls him
              into a passionate kiss.

              RENATA
              God’s not through with us yet.

              Seth shakes it off. They both jump inside the car and peel
              away into the streets of Tijuana...

              FADE OUT.
              Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

              Summary Seth wakes up to find Renata missing. He discovers her phone on the floor and goes out to search for her. Skunk Man appears and attempts to shoot Seth, but Renata arrives just in time to fight him off. She manages to kill Skunk Man and the driver of the Ford Taurus. After the intense confrontation, Renata and Seth share a kiss before driving away together, leaving the scene behind them.
              Strengths
              • Intense action
              • Character transformation
              • Emotional depth
              • Engaging plot
              Weaknesses

                Ratings
                Overall

                Overall: 9

                The scene is highly engaging and filled with intense action, creating a sense of suspense and excitement. The transformation of Renata adds depth to the story and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


                Story Content

                Concept: 8

                The concept of a character undergoing a drastic change and displaying unexpected skills in a life-threatening situation is intriguing and keeps the audience hooked.

                Plot: 9

                The plot of the scene revolves around Renata's rescue of Seth from the Skunk Man, showcasing her bravery and determination. It adds a significant turning point to the overall story.

                Originality: 9

                This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to a familiar situation of a protagonist searching for a missing loved one. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


                Character Development

                Characters: 9

                The characters of Renata and Seth are well-developed and their actions in this scene demonstrate their growth and resilience. Renata's transformation is particularly captivating.

                Character Changes: 9

                Renata undergoes a significant character change, transitioning from a gentle soul to a fierce fighter. This transformation adds complexity to her character and drives the story forward.

                Internal Goal: 8

                The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Renata and understand why she is not in the apartment. This reflects Seth's deeper need for connection and his fear of losing Renata.

                External Goal: 9

                The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Renata and ensure her safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of the Skunk Man and the dangerous streets of Tijuana.


                Scene Elements

                Conflict Level: 10

                The conflict in the scene is intense and life-threatening, with Renata facing off against the Skunk Man and his accomplice. The stakes are high, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

                Opposition: 9

                The opposition in this scene is strong, with the Skunk Man posing a significant threat to the protagonist and Renata. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

                High Stakes: 10

                The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with Renata risking her life to save Seth. The intense action and danger create a sense of urgency and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

                Story Forward: 10

                The scene propels the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict and setting up new challenges for the characters. It leaves the audience eager to know what happens next.

                Unpredictability: 8

                This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as Renata's ability to dodge bullets and her transformation into a killer. The audience is kept on their toes.

                Philosophical Conflict: 7

                There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's previous belief in a peaceful existence and the reality of violence and danger. This challenges Seth's values and worldview.


                Audience Engagement

                Emotional Impact: 9

                The scene evokes strong emotions, ranging from tension and fear to relief and admiration. Renata's transformation and her passionate kiss with Seth add a layer of emotional depth.

                Dialogue: 7

                The dialogue is minimal but impactful, with Renata's line 'God's not through with us yet' conveying her determination and faith. The dialogue effectively supports the action and emotions in the scene.

                Engagement: 9

                This scene is engaging because it starts with a mystery and builds suspense through the protagonist's search for Renata and the encounter with the Skunk Man. The action and emotional moments keep the audience invested.

                Pacing: 9

                The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and action, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


                Technical Aspect

                Formatting: 9

                The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

                Structure: 8

                The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


                Critique
                • The scene starts off with Seth waking up and realizing Renata is missing. This creates a sense of confusion and sets up the tension for the rest of the scene.
                • The dialogue between Seth and Renata is minimal but effective in conveying their emotions and the urgency of the situation.
                • The action sequence with Renata fighting off Skunk Man is well-written and engaging. It showcases Renata's strength and resourcefulness.
                • The sudden shift in Renata's character from a gentle soul to a killer is a bit jarring and could benefit from more development or foreshadowing.
                • The final line of dialogue, 'God's not through with us yet,' feels a bit cliché and could be replaced with something more unique and impactful.
                • The scene ends with Seth and Renata driving away, leaving the reader with a sense of anticipation for what will happen next.
                Suggestions
                • Consider adding a brief moment of Seth searching the apartment for Renata before finding her phone on the floor. This would heighten the tension and emphasize his concern for her.
                • Provide more context or backstory for Renata's sudden transformation into a killer. This could be done through dialogue or flashbacks to previous scenes.
                • Revise the final line of dialogue to be more specific to Seth and Renata's journey and relationship. This will make it more meaningful and memorable.
                • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or emotional reaction from Seth after witnessing Renata's transformation. This would add depth to his character and highlight the impact of the situation.
                • Consider adding a brief moment of aftermath or consequences after the car peels away, such as police sirens in the distance or a news report about the shooting. This would add a sense of realism and raise the stakes for Seth and Renata.