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Scene 1 -  Night of the Beast
EXT. MACKAY APARTMENT PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The roar of the Houston streets overlay the small movements
of the residents, moving throughout the apartment parking
lot.
The stillness is broken by the agitated voice of a mother.
SAMMY’S MOM
Sammy! Didn’t I tell you to take
that damn trash out? Get up. And
don’t drop it on the ground this
time.
SAMMY (7), dormant, cold carries a large bag outside. Down
two levels, the heavy bag scuffs against the stair. Hidden
behind parked cars just out of sight, a large werewolf stalks
the small boys' steps.
At the large can, Sammy swings the bag over his shoulder with
everything he has, watching the bag land on top of the
overfilled bin.
The bag slowly rolls down, hitting the ground. Sammy takes
the bag by the strings; behind him, the shadow of werewolf
moves from between the cars, slowly approaching.
Sammy takes another go, slowly twirling the bag around. He
steps inside the large wooden doors of the can area, he lets
go, it lands hard on top, rolling to a stop just at the edge.
Sammy runs out through the inside door, oblivious to death
creeping behind him.
At the backside of the apartments, he collides with RAY
(40s), a drug addict on lookout duty.
RAY
(angry/whispering)
Get your little ass in the house.
Startled, Sammy lets out a yelp and rushes toward his
apartment. Ray looks around, sensing something walking toward
him.
A dark growl stops Sammy in his tracks, he looks back with
fear and shock.
BOB (40s), Ray’s crackhead partner, is underneath a car,
sawing off a catalytic converter. The distant howl startles
him momentarily.
2.

Ray's gaze shifts to the now fast-approaching werewolf, and
his trembling hand reaches for the gun tucked in his
waistband.
RAY (CONT'D)
(muttering to himself)
No... no.
Ray's hands shake uncontrollably, he raises the gun, aiming
at the advancing werewolf. He starts firing, the shots
echoing through the parking lot.
Ray screams in horror as the werewolf slashes into his flesh,
ripping him apart with its powerful jaws. Blood splatters
across the pavement, painting a gruesome scene. Sammy runs, a
bullet strikes him in the back. Sammy collapses, gasping for
air.
Underneath the car, Bob hears the commotion and peeks out
cautiously.
BOB
What the fuck?
His eyes widen in terror at sight of the savage werewolf. He
tries to scramble away, but it's too late.
The werewolf grabs Bob by the head and drags him out from
under the car. Bob's screams, the werewolf devours him,
tearing his limbs from his body.
The parking lot falls silent, except for the eerie howl of
the massive werewolf.
CUT TO:
TITLE: ONE WEEK EARLIER
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a Houston apartment parking lot, young Sammy is oblivious to the danger lurking in the shadows as he struggles with the trash. A massive werewolf stalks him, unnoticed. Meanwhile, two drug addicts, Ray and Bob, are engaged in their own illicit activities - Ray keeping watch while Bob steals a catalytic converter. Ray confronts Sammy, then spots the approaching werewolf and attempts to fire at it, but the beast easily overpowers him, killing him. The werewolf then attacks Bob, leaving him dead as well. A stray bullet from Ray's gun hits Sammy in the back before he collapses, leaving the werewolf standing victorious over the bodies of its victims, its haunting howl echoing in the stillness of the night.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Graphic violence
  • Suspenseful pacing
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a sense of terror and suspense, with intense violence and shocking moments that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a werewolf attacking unsuspecting characters in an urban environment is executed well, with a focus on fear and survival.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the sudden appearance of the werewolf and the characters' desperate attempts to survive, leading to a high level of tension and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf genre by combining elements of urban crime and supernatural horror. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined in their reactions to the terrifying situation, but could benefit from more depth and development.

Character Changes: 6

While the characters experience significant trauma and fear, there is limited opportunity for substantial character growth or change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Sammy's internal goal in this scene is to complete the task of taking out the trash despite his fear and the presence of the werewolf. This reflects his desire to please his mother and fulfill his responsibilities, even in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the encounter with the werewolf and make it back to his apartment safely.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the werewolf creates a high level of tension and danger, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the werewolf posing a significant threat to the characters and creating a sense of danger and urgency. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will survive.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death in the face of a supernatural threat raise the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major threat and setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and brutal werewolf attack, as well as the unexpected deaths of the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of who will survive.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the juxtaposition of innocence and danger, as seen through Sammy's young age and the brutal violence of the werewolf attack. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the world and the presence of evil.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and sadness, making it impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and emotions, but could be more impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the threat of the werewolf, and the characters' desperate actions to survive.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to the climactic werewolf attack. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its intensity and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climactic werewolf attack, and a resolution. The formatting is consistent with the genre of supernatural horror.


Critique
  • The scene is very descriptive, but it lacks strong emotional impact. While it establishes a sense of dread and danger, the reader doesn't feel deeply connected to the characters or their plight.
  • The pacing is uneven. The opening with Sammy struggling to throw out the trash feels slow and drawn out, especially considering the brutal action that follows. The werewolf's stalking is described but not shown in a compelling way.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks characterization. It's mostly functional, conveying information but not revealing anything about the characters' personalities or motivations.
  • The focus on the werewolf's violence feels gratuitous. The graphic descriptions of the attacks are shocking but don't contribute to the overall narrative. The scene might benefit from focusing more on the characters' reactions and experiences rather than simply detailing the gruesome details.
  • The ending is abrupt. The sudden 'CUT TO' feels jarring and leaves the reader with unanswered questions. It would be more impactful to end with a final image that lingers in the reader's mind.
  • The scene feels more like a set-up for the main story than a compelling scene in its own right. The focus on establishing the werewolf and setting the stage for the overall plot takes precedence over engaging the reader in the characters' emotional journeys.
Suggestions
  • Focus on building character empathy. Show Sammy's vulnerability and innocence, making the audience care about his fate. Let Ray and Bob have more agency, giving them a brief backstory and letting their fear and desperation shine through.
  • Use visual storytelling instead of excessive description. Show the werewolf's menace subtly through its movements and the characters' reactions. Give the audience the opportunity to fill in the blanks and create suspense.
  • Refine the dialogue to reveal character. Give Ray and Bob distinct voices, adding depth and complexity to their brief appearances. Let their interactions reveal their desperation and fear.
  • Find a balance between violence and emotional impact. Don't shy away from the brutality, but use it strategically to create tension and underline the characters' vulnerability. Focus on the characters' emotional responses to the violence.
  • End on a powerful image. Rather than abruptly cutting to the title, consider ending the scene with a lingering shot of the werewolf, the parking lot, or Sammy's lifeless body, leaving the audience with a lasting impression.
  • Integrate the scene more seamlessly into the overall narrative. Think about how this scene sets the stage for the upcoming events. How does it establish the thematic elements that will drive the story? Consider adding a subtle hint of foreshadowing, suggesting the larger conflict that will unfold in the following scenes.



Scene 2 -  A Mechanic's Dream
INT. CUSTOMER HOME GARAGE - DAY
Under the hood of the older model chevy, work weathered hands
tighten down the alternator belt, fastens down sparkplugs,
snaps on new wires over top the plug, spray cleans inside and
out of the carburetor.
The mechanic steps back, the engine is clean and powerful.
Admiring his own work, AMARI ANDREWS, (20) handsome, smart
wipes his hands clean after finishing the engine work. The
CUSTOMER, a stylishly dressed woman (30s) in short shorts and
a tight hoodie, steps from the house.
AMARI
(grinning)
Hey, want to give it a whirl?
3.

The customer nods eagerly and hops into the driver's seat.
She starts the car, and the engine ROARS to life. Her face
lights up with sheer joy. She revs the engine, the sound
echoing through the neighborhood.
CUSTOMER
(excitedly)
Amari! My husband will be over the
moon when he sees this.
She leaps out of the car and embraces Amari gratefully with a
lingering hug.
CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
(continuing)
I really can't thank you enough.
Amari smiles awkwardly.
CUT TO:

INT. LUXURIOUS HOME - DAY
Amari washes his hands in the guest bathroom, taking in the
opulence around him. He steps into the hallway and looks
around at the high ceiling and beautiful home. The customer
turns the corner, smiling, with cash in hand.
CUSTOMER
(cheerfully)
Here you go, Amari.
AMARI
Thanks.
CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Amari drives through the neighborhood, he stops in front of a
SPEC CONSTRUCTION HOME with a "For Sale" sign.
CUT TO:

INT. SPEC CONSTRUCTION HOME - DAY
Amari steps inside the home, accompanied by a REALTOR, and
looks around, envisioning the possibilities.
4.

REALTOR
(soothingly)
It's a beautiful property, isn't
it? You just need 20% down and to
show income for the last two years.
Amari nods, a hint of longing in his eyes.
AMARI
(Soto)
Man...
REALTOR
(curiously)
Where do you currently live?
AMARI
(discomfited)
Man, I'm in the hood you know. I
want to move my grandmother out and
give my little brother a better
education.
REALTOR
Here's my card, give me a call when
you're ready.
Amari exits the home, the night is still just the sound of
crickets, he looks up at moon, it seems to slide pass a row
of thin clouds.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary Amari, a young mechanic, fixes a customer's car, receiving praise and a hug. He then visits a luxurious home to collect payment, his thoughts turning to his own aspirations for a better life. Amari goes on to tour a spec construction home, envisioning a brighter future for himself, his grandmother, and his brother, but faces the reality of his financial limitations. He leaves the home with a glimmer of hope, but the path to achieving his dreams remains unclear.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Amari's character, his motivations, and his dreams through subtle interactions and dialogue. The tone is consistent and engaging, drawing the audience into Amari's world.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young man striving for a better future while facing the challenges of his current circumstances is compelling and relatable. The scene sets up a strong foundation for character development and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7

While the plot primarily focuses on Amari's daily life and aspirations, it sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes. The introduction of the realtor and the prospect of buying a new home hint at future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the classic theme of pursuing a better life while balancing family responsibilities. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Amari is a well-rounded character with clear goals and motivations. The customer's brief interaction with Amari also adds depth to his character by showcasing his kindness and skill as a mechanic.

Character Changes: 6

Amari's character undergoes subtle changes as he navigates between his current reality and his dreams for the future. The scene sets the stage for potential growth and transformation in upcoming events.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to improve his living situation and provide a better life for his family, as seen through his desire to move his grandmother out of the hood and give his little brother a better education.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to make a living as a mechanic and potentially move into a better home, as seen through his interactions with the customer and the realtor.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a lack of overt conflict in this scene, the internal struggles and aspirations of the characters create a sense of tension and anticipation for future challenges.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty in Amari's path towards a better life, keeping the audience invested in his story.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and setting the stage for future conflicts. However, Amari's aspirations and the potential for a better life add a layer of emotional investment for the audience.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene primarily focuses on character development and world-building, it lays the groundwork for future plot developments and conflicts. The introduction of the realtor and the prospect of buying a new home hint at upcoming storylines.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a mix of hope and uncertainty in Amari's journey towards a better life.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the desire for personal success and the responsibility to take care of family members. Amari's aspirations for a better life clash with his sense of duty towards his grandmother and brother.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of hope and empathy for Amari's journey, drawing the audience into his world and rooting for his success. The gratitude expressed by the customer adds a heartfelt touch to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, revealing important information about Amari's background and aspirations. The conversations flow smoothly and provide insight into the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable characters with clear goals and obstacles, drawing the audience into their struggles and aspirations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged in Amari's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus. We jump between locations and characters without a strong throughline connecting them. The scene tries to cover too much ground without giving any of the information sufficient space to breathe.
  • The dialogue is generally weak and expository. It lacks a natural flow and doesn't reveal anything particularly interesting about the characters. The 'Soto' label for Amari's line feels forced and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks dramatic tension or conflict. While Amari expresses a desire for a better life, it's not shown in a way that is compelling or engaging. The scene feels too passive.
  • There is no clear connection between this scene and the previous scene. We're left wondering what the purpose of this scene is in relation to the story's larger arc. It feels like the writer is trying to establish Amari's situation and goals but is not doing it in a compelling way.
  • The scene ends with a jarring transition to the next scene. The 'CUT TO:' and the 'TITLE: ONE WEEK EARLIER' feel out of place and disrupt the flow of the narrative.
  • While the transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt, the script also doesn't have a clear sense of how much time has passed. A more gradual transition between the two scenes would help the audience understand the story's timeline and pacing.
Suggestions
  • Consider combining the scenes about fixing the car and receiving payment. This will create a more streamlined narrative. Show the customer's joy with the car and Amari's eagerness to help. Focus on the emotionality of the interaction.
  • Develop Amari's internal conflict and desire for change. Give him a more complex motivation for wanting to move his family out of the 'hood.' Perhaps he wants to give his brother the opportunities that he was denied.
  • Instead of simply showing Amari visiting the house, depict a conversation with his grandmother about their dreams for a better future. This will establish their bond and add emotional weight to Amari's desire for change.
  • Show Amari's struggle to make ends meet. Perhaps he could have a conversation with a friend about the challenges of trying to make a living. This will create a sense of reality and highlight the stakes of his situation.
  • Consider using a more subtle transition to move between the scenes, such as a dissolve, fade-out, or a more descriptive action line to create a sense of time passing.
  • Incorporate the scene about Amari's car into the previous scene. This will create a more natural flow and allow you to showcase the dangerous world he lives in. It will also add suspense and create a better sense of continuity.



Scene 3 -  A Day at the Garage
EXT/INT. REPAIR SHOP GARAGE ALLEY - DAY
Amari navigates his Dodge Grand Caravan into the narrow
alley. He steps out of his vehicle, he's greeted by Reid,
(20s) a twin, tall, handsome with bright green eyes and
reddish hair, and his twin brother Grein, (20s), green eyes,
and brown hair.
The brothers are covered with smudges of grease on their
hands and face. The dimly lit garage is filled with car
parts, tools, and old desk, a bench press and 300-pound
dumbbell.
AMARI
(sincerely)
What it do? Mrs. G's Try the
starter.
GREIN
I told you.
5.

Grein jokingly pushes Reid.
REID
You didn’t say shit.

Amari chuckles and walks to the corner of the garage, where
he has a small desk and chair. Reid approaches him, while
Grein wipes the grease off his hands with a rag.
Under the desk nipping at Amari’s pants leg is a brown and
black Pug, affectionately called DESTROYER.
Destroyer wiggles with excitement to see Amari. Amari pulls a
dog biscuit from a drawer, tosses it to the destroyer, he
waddles off into a backroom with the biscuit in his mouth.
REID (CONT'D)
(grinning)
How did the Camero go?
AMARI
Easy work.
Reid and Grein share a sneaky smile.
GREIN
(interjecting)
Did she wear the shorts?
Amari pulls out a crumpled wad of bills from his pocket, he
leaves two $50 bills on the desk.
REID
(Air pounding)
Hell yeah... He hit that.
GREIN
She for the streets!
AMARI
(nonchalantly)
I don't shit where I eat. Now,
Let's change that starter.
Amari and the giggling brothers begin work on the SUV, the
sound of the ratchet and the car roller scooting underneath
the vehicle.
CUT TO:
6.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Amari brings a car starter to the twins, Reid and Grein, at their cluttered repair shop garage. The twins playfully tease Amari about his recent success with a woman before they begin working together on an SUV. The scene ends with Amari leaving the garage.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and sets a light-hearted tone while introducing the characters and their dynamic effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the daily interactions and work in a repair shop garage is interesting and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around Amari's work in the garage and the banter with the twin brothers, adding depth to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, with fresh dialogue and interactions that feel authentic and engaging. The characters' actions and dialogue are original and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a strong bond evident in their interactions.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential growth in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to maintain professionalism and boundaries in his interactions with the brothers, despite their teasing and banter. This reflects his desire to separate his personal and professional life.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to fix the starter on the SUV. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene and drives the action forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in this scene, focusing more on the characters' interactions and daily routine.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the brothers teasing and challenging Amari's boundaries, creating conflict and tension that drives the scene forward.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and daily activities.

Story Forward: 6

The scene introduces the characters and their relationships, setting the foundation for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and dialogue between the characters, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of personal boundaries and professionalism. Amari's refusal to engage in inappropriate behavior with the brothers challenges their values and beliefs about relationships and interactions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene evokes a light-hearted and positive emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the relationships between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, humor, and character dynamics that create a sense of authenticity and depth to the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character interactions to keep the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action lines, dialogue, and scene direction that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a bit of a slow build. It takes a few lines to establish the setting and the characters. The description of the garage could be more vivid and engaging. Instead of listing items, try painting a picture with sensory details. For example, instead of saying, "The dimly lit garage is filled with car parts, tools, and old desk, a bench press, and 300-pound dumbbell," you could describe the air thick with the smell of oil and gasoline, the hum of fluorescent lights casting long shadows on the workbench, or the metallic clang of tools being tossed around.
  • The dialogue is a bit clunky and feels expositional. The brothers' comments about Amari's customer feel unnecessary and break the flow of the scene. The dialogue also lacks subtlety. For example, "You didn’t say shit" feels too blunt. Instead of directly stating that Amari's customer was sexually suggestive, try to show it through Amari's reaction or the brothers' body language.
  • The scene lacks conflict and tension. The brothers' teasing feels more like playful banter than a genuine threat or challenge. The scene ends abruptly without any sense of closure or a sense of what Amari's goals are.
  • The scene isn't visually compelling. The only action is the brothers working on the car. Adding more visual details and action, especially involving Destroyer, could make the scene more engaging. For example, you could show Destroyer interrupting Amari's work, causing a slight distraction or a moment of amusement.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. What is the scene trying to accomplish? Is it to introduce the characters? To establish the setting? To reveal something about Amari? It is not clear what the scene's function is within the larger narrative.
  • The scene is too short. It ends abruptly and feels rushed. The scene could benefit from a more detailed description of the setting, more engaging dialogue, and more visual action. You can add a scene where Amari interacts more with Destroyer, showing his relationship with the dog or the dog's role in the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Add more sensory details to the description of the garage. Instead of listing items, use vivid language to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and engaging. Avoid clunky exposition and try to show rather than tell. Use subtext and body language to communicate the characters' thoughts and feelings.
  • Add conflict and tension to the scene. This can be done by introducing a challenge or obstacle that Amari and the brothers must overcome. Perhaps a customer arrives with a complicated problem, or a rival mechanic shows up to challenge their business.
  • Incorporate more visual details and action. Describe the characters' movements and expressions. Use vivid imagery to create a sense of place and atmosphere.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. What is the scene trying to accomplish? Is it to introduce the characters? To establish the setting? To reveal something about Amari? Make sure the scene serves a clear purpose in the overall story.
  • Expand the scene. The scene feels rushed and incomplete. Add more dialogue, action, and visual details to make the scene more engaging and satisfying.



Scene 4 -  A Helping Hand and a Playful Tease
EXT. HOUSTON DOWNTOWN - DAY
The downtown Houston air is filled with laughter and noise.
Families enjoy themselves at Discovery Green, whizzing by
teens cruise through the busy streets on scooters, through
bayou pathways.
The rail bus speeds toward the north side of Houston, leaving
the city's skyline in the back window.

EXT. SOUTHWEST HOUSTON ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Amari, Reid and Grein are pushing MS. G’s (60s) old Buick
down the alleyway, to a makeshift repair shop in the garage
of a vacant home.
MS. G
(overwhelmed, cheering)
Oh, God bless you boys!
Amari, Reid, and Grein smile, their faces covered in sweat
from the effort.
AMARI
(grinning)
No problem, Ms. G.
They push the car into the repair shop. Reid and Grein begin
to inspect the car.
REID
(whispering)
You know she’s not going to pay us.
Ms. G turns and waves to Reid and Grein. The twins give a
fake smile and wave.
CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
Amari walks alongside Ms. G, carrying her grocery bags. The
neighborhood is alive with activity - kids playing, a couple
arguing, music echos from the porch of a trap house.
Three armed men exit the home carrying two bags.
MS. G
(smiling)
Your mother would be so proud of
you. It was so terrible to hear
about your father.
7.

They reach Ms. G’s front porch, and he sets the grocery bags
down. Four or five cats moving around the steps and chair.
MS. G (CONT'D)
(touched)
Thank you again. Now you let me
know how much it will cost to fix,
okay.
AMARI
(sincerely)
I will, Ms. G. Take care now.
MS. G
(to the cats)
Babies, Mommy’s home.
The cats come running from every direction.
The tinted vehicle from the trap house rolls pass Amari. The
men trade glances. Amari pulls the realtor card from his
pocket and stares at the 20% DOWN written on the back of the
card.
A small gray car rolls up slow behind Amari. The window
slowly lowers with irritating rub, a pretty young voice calls
out, AMARI’S GIRLFRIEND, NIKKI (20s), street smart, thin, and
pretty.
NIKKI
(playfully)
How much you selling that ass for?
AMARI
You can’t afford me.
NIKKI
Well, how about I give you a ride
for a little half-and-half.
AMARI
Sold.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Urban Fiction"]

Summary Amari, Reid, and Grein, push Ms. G's old Buick to a repair shop in a busy downtown Houston alley. After helping Ms. G with her groceries, Amari has a heartfelt conversation with her, revealing their shared connection and her appreciation for his family. The scene ends with a playful interaction between Amari and his girlfriend Nikki, who offers him a ride, hinting at a potential conflict with Reid's concern about payment for their assistance.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate high stakes
  • Limited character growth within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the essence of urban life and the characters' aspirations for a better future. The dialogue feels authentic, and the interactions between characters are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the daily struggles and aspirations of characters in an urban setting is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the theme of hope amidst adversity.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Amari's interactions with Ms. G, Reid, Grein, and Nikki, providing insight into his relationships and aspirations. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the interaction between Amari and Ms. G, the neighborhood activities, and the introduction of Nikki as Amari's girlfriend.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable. Amari's dedication to his family and his ambition for a better life are compelling. Reid and Grein's banter adds depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints of character growth, such as Amari's determination to improve his family's life, the scene primarily focuses on establishing character dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to maintain a sense of responsibility and care for others, as shown through his interactions with Ms. G and his willingness to help her.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to earn money for fixing Ms. G's car and potentially improve his financial situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of potential conflicts, such as Amari's financial struggles and the presence of armed men, the scene focuses more on character interactions and aspirations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's decisions, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and aspirations. However, the potential conflicts and challenges ahead hint at higher stakes in the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' lives, relationships, and aspirations, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. It moves the story forward by introducing key elements and themes.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the introduction of Nikki and the potential conflict between Amari's loyalty to Ms. G and his relationship with Nikki.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the juxtaposition of loyalty to family and community versus the temptation of easy money and potentially risky behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from hope and determination to tension and uncertainty. The characters' struggles and aspirations resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue feels natural and authentic, reflecting the characters' personalities and the urban setting. It effectively conveys emotions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its relatable characters, moral dilemmas, and realistic dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene opens with an interesting contrast between the bustling downtown Houston and the quieter alleyway in Southwest Houston, but this contrast is not fully exploited. The scene feels like it's setting up a montage of Amari's life, which can be effective but needs more focus.
  • The dialogue between Amari, Reid, and Grein feels a bit forced. The line about Ms. G not paying them feels out of place and lacks realism. The use of whispering for Reid's line feels awkward and unnecessary.
  • The transition to the neighborhood street feels abrupt. It could be smoothed out by using a visual transition like a shot of Amari walking away from the repair shop or by showing him looking up at the street from the alley.
  • The scene feels somewhat disjointed. The focus shifts abruptly between Amari and Ms. G, then to the men leaving the trap house, and finally to Amari and Nikki. This disjointedness makes it difficult to follow the narrative thread.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict or tension. It's mostly a series of interactions without a strong central driving force. The men leaving the trap house could be used to introduce a threat or to foreshadow something, but their purpose feels ambiguous.
  • The exchange between Amari and Nikki feels a bit clichéd and lacks depth. The playful banter and the 'half-and-half' joke are somewhat predictable and don't provide much insight into their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider developing the contrast between downtown Houston and Southwest Houston more explicitly. Explore the social and economic divide between these two areas, and how it impacts Amari's life.
  • Refine the dialogue between Amari, Reid, and Grein to make it more natural and believable. Focus on their dynamic and how their relationship informs their interactions.
  • Use smoother transitions between the different locations in the scene. Consider using visual cues like a slow zoom or a panning shot to connect the different areas.
  • Create a more cohesive narrative thread. Introduce a clear conflict or a sense of urgency that drives the scene forward. Focus on one central idea or theme, and use the dialogue and action to explore it.
  • Develop the character of Nikki more fully. Give her a more nuanced personality and motivations beyond being just 'Amari's girlfriend.' Explore her role in his life and how she influences his choices.
  • Consider adding a scene-ending moment that creates a sense of suspense or raises questions about Amari's future. Leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 5 -  A Deal With Danger
INT. NIKKI'S CAR - DAY
Amari climbs inside the small car, Nikki hits the gas, the
little car moves at a high rate of speed, flashing past
parked cars.
AMARI
Jesus!
8.

Amari straps on his seat belt. The car turns the corner
nearly sideswiping an oncoming van.
Amari phone rings.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(hesitant)
What’s up?
The realtor's car slides between his fingers.
LEO V.O.
A grand apiece. One easy snatch and
burn.
Nikki listens intently her eyes focused ahead.
AMARI
(beat)
When?
LEO V.O.
I’ll text you.
Amari ends the call. Nikki turns up the alley hard and fast,
she stares at Amari while speeding down the alley.
Amari tightens his seat belt and grips the door handle.
AMARI
I saw a house yesterday. It was
prefect, the neighborhood was
prefect. It cost money, real money.
Nikki doesn’t respond.
AMARI (CONT'D)
I want a better life for us.
NIKKI
Maybe what we already have is more
than enough?
The car slides hard to a stop outside the garage door. Amari
moves close to Nikki, kisses her on the cheek.
AMARI
Trust me, after this I'm done.
Amari leans in for another kiss, Nikki stares straight ahead
Amari kisses her cheek and closes the door. Nikki leaves a
burnt trial of tread pulling away from the garage.
CUT TO:
9.

INT. AMARI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Amari enters his little brother's bedroom, JAVIER (7) small
for his age, is sleeping, he pulls the blanket over his
shoulders.
Amari peeks into his grandmother's bedroom, MRS. ANDREWS
(60s) is a weary yet caring woman she coughs and adjusts her
posture. Amair's phone vibrates.
Amari leaves a note on the refrigerator door, WORKING LATE,
BE BACK IN MORNING.
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODLANDS, TEXAS - NIGHT
The car rolls slow, inside is Amari, RIP, a thin, tall
transgender male, with permanent attitude on her face,
Amari’s childhood friend, LEO (20s).
Leo reads over a text message with the address of a luxurious
vehicle. Amari’s eyes focused, his ears pinned to quiet
eloquent block, lined with large, beautiful homes.
AMARI
You hear that? No police, screams
or dogs. This how everyone should
live.
LEO
Slow down... The house should be
coming up.
Amari lets out a huff and stares toward the front seat, Leo
turns back toward Amari.
LEO (CONT'D)
Stop acting like a bitch. My plug
told me the dude is overseas.
(Pulling a gun) If not, he gave me
this new beauty.
Leo showcases a chromed revolver loaded with silver bullets.
RIP
(excited)
That bitch is nice.
LEO
My plug gave it to me as a gift,
even the bullets are silver. 3
grand when we drop off the car.
10.

Rip and Leo exchange a glance, not missed by Amari.
AMARI
(sincere)
3 grand? I’m not killing anyone.
LEO
I have the gun. Plus, I don’t plan
on killing anyone. Unless they fuck
with my bread.
Amari sinks back into his seat.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Amari is caught in a tense situation as his friend Leo, a criminal, proposes a car theft scheme. While driving recklessly with Nikki, Amari hesitates but ultimately agrees to join the plan, lured by the promise of $3,000. The scene is infused with a sense of danger and anticipation, leaving the audience questioning the consequences of Amari's decision.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some plot points could be further developed
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up tension and conflict while delving into the characters' motivations and desires. The emotional impact is strong, and the dialogue is engaging. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters navigating dangerous choices in pursuit of a better life is compelling. The introduction of a transgender character adds depth and diversity to the narrative, offering a fresh perspective on the crime genre.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces high stakes and conflict, driving the characters' actions and decisions. However, some plot points could be further developed to enhance the overall narrative tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the internal struggles of the characters and their conflicting desires for a better life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Each character brings a unique perspective to the scene, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their motivations and desires throughout the scene, reflecting the internal conflicts they face. These changes add depth to the character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to provide a better life for himself and Nikki, seeking a way out of their current situation through criminal activities.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to complete the criminal job assigned to him by Leo and Rip, which involves stealing a luxurious vehicle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The high stakes and moral dilemmas create tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the characters' choices and actions create tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward. The risks involved add depth to the characters' struggles.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dilemmas for the characters to navigate. It sets up future plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the unexpected twists in their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Amari's desire for a better life through criminal activities and Nikki's suggestion that they may already have enough. This challenges Amari's beliefs about what it takes to achieve a better life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and desires. The tension and high stakes contribute to the emotional impact of the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters' relationships and motivations. It effectively conveys tension and emotion, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a crime drama, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a jarring image of reckless driving, which feels out of place given Amari's character arc so far. It's not clear why Nikki is driving so dangerously, and the dialogue about a better life feels out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The scene doesn't establish a strong conflict or sense of urgency. The conversation between Amari and Leo about the car theft feels more like exposition than dialogue, and the scene lacks tension.
  • The character of Rip feels underdeveloped and serves no clear purpose in the scene. Her presence feels like an afterthought.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution. It's unclear why Amari agrees to the car theft, and the scene doesn't effectively set up the following action.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The dialogue about a better life feels slow and drawn-out, while the car theft is introduced too quickly.
  • The scene doesn't explore Amari's internal conflict about the car theft. We don't see his struggle with the morality of the situation or his fear of getting caught.
  • The dialogue about the price of the car theft and the silver bullets feels clunky and expositional.
  • The scene relies too heavily on dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and motivations. The visual language could be used more effectively to enhance the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the opening scene with Nikki driving recklessly. It doesn't contribute to the story's forward momentum.
  • Establish a clear conflict within the scene. This could be Amari's inner struggle about the car theft, the risk involved, or the potential consequences.
  • Explore Amari's motivations for agreeing to the car theft. Is it out of desperation, loyalty to Leo, or a desire for quick money? This will add depth and complexity to his character.
  • Develop the character of Rip. Give her a more distinct personality and a reason for being involved in the car theft.
  • Use visual language to enhance the story. Show Amari's hesitation and anxiety about the car theft through his facial expressions, body language, and reactions to his surroundings.
  • Build tension and suspense leading up to the car theft. This could involve showing Amari's growing fear of getting caught or highlighting the risks involved.
  • Use dialogue to reveal the characters' personalities and relationships. Don't rely on exposition to convey information.
  • Create a more compelling and impactful ending to the scene. Leave the audience wondering what will happen next and what the consequences of Amari's decision will be.



Scene 6 -  Werewolf Robbery
INT. LUXURIOUS HOME - CONTINUOUS
Amari, Leo, and Rip slowly roll past a lavish home. The
garage door is open.
AMARI
(surprised)
Someone’s home.
LEO
(direct)
So, what, the car is right there,
easy work.
Rip turns the car around and parks a couple of houses down.
They cautiously wait.
LEO (CONT'D)
Rip, you’re on lookout, Amari’s
with me.
AMARI
(nervous)
I think we should bail; your info
was wrong.
LEO
Nigga, this is my call. We get the
car and we're out.
CUT TO:
11.

INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Amari scans the walls to capture the car's start signal.
Leo's attention is drawn to music blaring from inside, when
he notices the inner door ajar. Amari tries to redirect Leo's
focus back to the car.
AMARI
(whispering)
Leo, come on! We need to stick to
the plan.
Leo waves Rip over, gesturing for him to follow. They tiptoe
into the house, their senses heightened. Slowly moving around
the kitchen, Leo spots a set of keys hanging from the cabinet
wall, he quietly takes them.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Let’s go.
The man suddenly appears, it’s KESSLER (50s) handsome and
strong.
KESSLER
(angry)
Hey, get out! Get out now!
Nervous, Leo awkwardly pulls out his gun and points at
Kessler.
AMARI
(startled)
What are you doing?
LEO
Shut the fuck up. I got this.
Kessler rushes Leo.
Leo fires the gun, grazing Kessler's arm.
Kessler falls backward, over the table, he slides to the
hallway. Leo moves in closer and takes aim for the kill shot.
Amari pulls on Leo, stopping him from shooting a second time.
AMARI
Leo, we said no killing.
LEO
Man, this dude got a price on his
head.
12.

A low growl echoes through the home as Kessler turns
werewolf.
LEO (CONT'D)
Rip you see, him?
RIP
He’s not back here, hurry up and
blast this fool.
Suddenly, Kessler moves with lighting speed, past Amari
snatching Rip into the air, tearing into him with brutal
force.
Amari, disoriented, makes a desperate run for the door. Amari
is snatched by the shoulder and neck, violently shaken around
like a rag doll.
Leo turns back and fires three more shots at the beast, but
all miss their mark. Out of bullets, Leo breaks into a sprint
for the car. The werewolf tosses Amari to the side, chasing
down Leo.
Amari wills himself up, startled by Rips mangled body, he
struggles out the garage door, and over the privacy fence.
Leo’s screams echo through the neighborhood.
Porch and garage lights flood the street, a female neighbor
and her husband run up, the husband fires his shotgun in the
air. The beast runs off into the darkness. The woman looks
over Leo’s body and gags up her dinner.
SHOTGUN MAN
Call 911!
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Three thieves, Amari, Leo, and Rip, attempt to steal a car from a luxurious house. They are caught by the homeowner, Kessler, who transforms into a werewolf, killing Rip and injuring Leo. Amari manages to escape, leaving Leo's body behind. A neighbor calls 911 after witnessing the attack.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Innovative concept
  • Strong conflict
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable character actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends genres, creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, and delivers a shocking and violent climax. It keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a heist gone wrong due to a supernatural element like a werewolf is innovative and gripping. It adds layers of complexity and danger to the typical crime scenario.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-structured, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a dramatic climax. The unexpected twist of the werewolf transformation adds depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh twist with the werewolf element, adding a unique and unexpected layer to the crime genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and serve their roles in the scene effectively. Leo's reckless behavior and Amari's moral conflict add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Amari experiences a moral dilemma and is forced to confront the consequences of his actions. Leo's reckless behavior leads to tragic outcomes, changing the dynamics between the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to stick to the plan and avoid killing, reflecting his moral compass and desire to maintain a sense of humanity.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to steal a car, reflecting the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving both human adversaries and a supernatural threat. The high stakes and life-or-death situations drive the tension.

Opposition: 8.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and moral dilemma, adding complexity and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes in the scene involve life-threatening danger, moral dilemmas, and the clash between human and supernatural forces. The characters' actions have serious consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing a supernatural threat, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It changes the trajectory of the story and raises the stakes.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the werewolf and the unexpected turn of events, adding a sense of danger and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the protagonist's struggle between following the plan and avoiding killing, and the temptation to resort to violence for self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact. The brutal violence and desperate actions of the characters heighten the intensity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations. It drives the plot forward and reveals important aspects of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense action, moral dilemmas, and supernatural twist, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged, with a well-balanced rhythm of action and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a somewhat clunky exposition about the plan to steal the car, which feels unnecessary given the previous scene already established the characters' intentions.
  • The pacing is a bit slow in the beginning, with a lot of dialogue setting up the action. The scene could benefit from more immediate action.
  • The dialogue feels a bit unnatural and the language used is overly aggressive and repetitive, which might not be consistent with the overall tone of the script.
  • While the tension builds, the action feels somewhat predictable. The sudden appearance of Kessler and the quick turn to violence might feel somewhat jarring.
  • The scene struggles to clearly convey the motivations of the characters, specifically Leo and Rip. Their actions seem driven by greed and opportunism without any deeper emotional complexity.
  • The characterization of Kessler could be more developed. He appears suddenly and transforms into a werewolf without any prior indication of his true nature. The audience might feel a sense of confusion or lack of understanding about his motivations.
  • The scene is somewhat heavy-handed in its depiction of violence. While the action is necessary to the plot, it could be handled with more nuance and less graphic detail.
  • The scene ends abruptly with a call to 911. This conclusion leaves the audience with a sense of unresolved tension and unanswered questions. It might be beneficial to explore the aftermath of the events in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene directly with the characters entering the garage. Eliminate the dialogue that sets up the plan, as it was already established in the previous scene.
  • Introduce more visual action and tension early on. For example, show Amari and Leo stealthily moving through the house, highlighting their nervousness and heightened senses.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more authentic and less repetitive. Consider using subtext and actions to convey the characters' intentions and emotions.
  • Explore Kessler's character more. Introduce subtle clues or hints about his true nature before the transformation. This will create a more layered and suspenseful experience for the audience.
  • Consider incorporating flashbacks or scenes that provide a glimpse into Kessler's backstory, motivations, and experiences. This will help the audience better understand his actions and connect with him on a deeper level.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the violence on the characters. Show Amari's shock and horror at seeing Rip's mangled body. This will enhance the realism and emotional depth of the scene.
  • Consider exploring the aftermath of the attack. Show Amari fleeing the scene, or the neighbor's reaction to the gruesome discovery. This will provide closure and create a lasting impact on the audience.



Scene 7 -  The Unhealed Wound
EXT. HOUSTON STREETS - NIGHT
Amari stumbles into a dimly lit bus stop, clutching his neck.
His breathing is labored, his face distorted with fear and
pain. Blood has painted his white shirt Reid.
The bus stops in front of the sign, the doors open, and
Amari, blurry-eyed and weak, falls into the bus.
CUT TO:
13.

INT. HOSPITAL RECOVERY ROOM - DAY
Amari awakens, bandaged, in pain. Every move is a task and
painful. His wrist cuffed to the bed rail keeps his motion
short; he rattles his arm, moving the chain back and forth.
The door opens. A nurse walks in. She's a dark-haired,
middle-aged woman wearing a resting bitch face. She isn't
gentle; as she checks the gash on his neck, peeling back the
bandage, Amari squints in pain.
FADE TO:
INT/EXT. FLOWER GARDEN DREAM - DAY
Amari sits inside the minivan, the a/c is blowing hard, but
Amari is sweating. He’s watching a field of sunflowers dances
in the wind. His eyes focus on the sunflowers. The a/c stops
blowing.
Amari tinkers with the A/C controls, removing the dashboard,
his sweaty fingertips struggle to grasp the worn control
nobs.
In the field a man, stumbles forward, his face dark and
tilted down. Amari focuses, pressing his eyes forward. The
pedals turn brown, blood like black goo begins to pour from
the stem.
The man's face lifts upward, reveling Amari's father's dead
eyes. Amari attention turns to the passenger seat, now
occupied by his deceased mother, she frowns as bloody tears
fall from her dead eyes.
The front window shimmers, suddenly shatters inward, sending
glass over Amari, slashing his shoulder.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Amari jolts from the dream, his body shaking violently, the
room fills with a team of hospital staff.
NURSE
Let's sedate him.
Amari eye's flash open, his pupils turn bright yellow, his
body bolts upward and slams back down onto the bed.
FADE TO:
14.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Amari awakens slowly, His eyes focusing on a clear plastic
bag hanging on the door is illuminated by his cell phone
dancing inside.
Amari pulls on the chain and slides the bed closer. He
grimaces in pain at with every move.
AMARI
(struggling)
Come on, just a little further...
His legs tremble as he forces himself out of the bed. He
stretches toward the door with all his might, pulling the bed
with him, but it refuses to budge.
Amari pulls harder, slowly the bolts from the bed rail begin
to give way. The links on the handcuffs begin to bend.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(gritting his teeth)
I got this...
Suddenly, the door creaks open, revealing GRACE, a young
beautiful nurse in her(20s).
GRACE
(concerned)
What are you doing? You're going to
hurt yourself!
Amari loses his balance. He tumbles to the floor with a thud.
GRACE (CONT'D)
(rushing to Amari’s side)
Are you alright? Let's you get back
into the bed.
AMARI
(groaning)
No, wait... my phone... I just need
my phone.
The nurse's expression softens, she realizes Amari’s
desperation. She helps him back into the bed and pushes the
mattress back into position.
GRACE
(sympathetic)
I understand, but you need to take
it easy.
15.

The nurse retrieves the plastic bag from the back of the
door, retrieving Amari’s phone.
GRACE (CONT'D)
(tenderly)
Here you go.
Amari’s pain subsides momentarily, he holds his phone in his
hands. He looks up at the nurse, gratitude shining in his
eyes.
AMARI
(softly)
Thank you...
GRACE
Just remember to call for
assistance next time. We're here to
help you get better.
Just then, Dr. Patel, (60s) in a white coat, accompanied by
DETECTIVE THOMPSON (50s), a no-nonsense veteran detective,
enters the room. Amari quickly hides his phone under his
legs.
DR. PATEL
(surprised)
Ah, Nurse Grace, how is he doing?
Dr. Patel approaches Amari and begins examining his stitched
wounds. His eyes widen in shock, he notices that the skin is
healed, with no signs of stitching.
DR. PATEL (CONT'D)
(stunned)
Your wounds are healing
exceptionally well.
The doctor decides not to reveal his findings at the moment.
Thompson steps forward, his gaze fixed on Amari.
THOMPSON
(suspicious)
Do you remember how you got here?
Amari’s heart races, but he remains composed, discreetly
keeping his phone hidden. He nods, acknowledging the
detective's request.
AMARI
(evasive)
I’m not sure.
16.

Dr. Patel turns to the nurse, motioning for her to leave the
room with him.
DR. PATEL
(whispering)
Grace, I need to talk to you for a
moment. Let's discuss it outside.
Grace looks at the doctor, her eyes widening with curiosity.
She follows him out of the room, leaving Amari alone with
Thompson.
Nurse Grace leaves the room with Dr. Patel, their
conversation fading into the background. Thompson sits near
Amari and begins questioning him about his wounds.
THOMPSON
(intense)
What attacked you?
Amari’s heart pounds in his chest but maintains a calm
facade.
AMARI
(direct)
I... I don't know what you’re
talking about.
Thompson narrows his eyes, suspecting Amari might be hiding
something.
THOMPSON
(skeptical)
You know a Lenard King?
AMARI
Lenard?
THOMPSON
Goes by Leo.
AMARI
Yea, I might know him.
THOMPSON
Well, he was killed last night, in
a botched home invasion. You were
with him.
AMARI
No, I wasn’t there.
17.

Images of the werewolf biting into Amari’s shoulder flash
through his mind. The Detective's frustration grows, and he
leans forward, grabbing the bandage on Amari’s shoulder.
THOMPSON
(angry)
Enough with the lies! Explain this?
AMARI
(irritated)
What are you talking about?
Thompson's patience snaps, and he yanks the bandage off,
revealing smooth, unmarked skin underneath.
THOMPSON
(furious)
Don't play dumb with me. Explain
that!
Amari stares at his unblemished shoulder in shock, his mind
racing to comprehend what happened.
AMARI
(stammering)
Explain what? I don't even know how
I got here. I want to go home.
Thompson takes a step back.
Dr. Patel and GRACE step back into the room.
DR. PATEL
Detective! Sir, we are releasing
you from our care.
DETECTIVE
(confused)
Doctor, what is going on here?
DR. PATEL
(direct)
We have no reason to hold him here.
I'm releasing him.
AMARI
(assertive)
If I'm not under arrest, can
someone get these cuffs off me?
THOMPSON
(Grudgingly leans in.
Whispers)
We're not done here.
18.

The detective uncuffs Amari, who quickly begins to dress
himself. He walks out of the hospital, confused at how he
escaped.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Amari wakes up in a hospital bed, cuffed to the rail and with a bandage on his neck. He experiences a vivid dream about sunflowers and his deceased parents, which ends with a shattered window and him jolting awake. A nurse calms him down and retrieves his phone, while the doctor arrives and is surprised to find his wounds have miraculously healed. Despite this, the doctor releases Amari from the hospital. Detective Thompson, suspicious of Amari's involvement in the death of Lenard King, tries to get Amari to confess, but his efforts are thwarted by the doctor's intervention. Amari leaves the hospital, leaving the mystery of his healing and involvement in Lenard King's death unresolved.
Strengths
  • Effective suspense building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further polished for added impact
  • Character emotions could be more deeply explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events. The introduction of supernatural elements adds depth to the storyline and raises questions about Amari's involvement in the events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a supernatural attack intertwined with a mystery surrounding Amari's injuries is intriguing and sets up a compelling narrative. The scene effectively introduces key elements that will drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on Amari's struggle to understand the events surrounding him. The introduction of Detective Thompson adds a layer of intrigue and sets up potential conflicts for future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the hospital interrogation trope, blending elements of mystery, psychological drama, and supernatural elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are engaging, especially Amari and Detective Thompson, who both show depth and complexity. However, more development could enhance the emotional impact of their interactions.

Character Changes: 6

Amari undergoes a subtle shift in perception as he grapples with the supernatural events and Detective Thompson's investigation. However, more significant character changes could deepen the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to understand and come to terms with the traumatic events that have led him to the hospital. He is grappling with fear, pain, and confusion, seeking clarity and resolution.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to navigate the interrogation by Detective Thompson and Dr. Patel, while also trying to uncover the truth behind his injuries and the events leading up to his hospitalization.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Amari and Detective Thompson, as well as the supernatural threat of the werewolf, creates a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Detective Thompson providing a formidable challenge to Amari's attempts to conceal the truth. The audience is left uncertain about Amari's innocence and the true nature of his injuries.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of survival, mystery, and potential danger from the supernatural threat raise the tension and urgency of the scene, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics that will drive future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the narrative, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around truth and deception, as Amari struggles to reconcile his own memories and experiences with the accusations and suspicions of Detective Thompson.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and desperation in the characters, drawing the audience into their emotional turmoil. However, further development of character emotions could enhance the impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and mystery of the scene, with moments of conflict and intrigue. However, some exchanges could be further polished to enhance character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional stakes, mysterious elements, and dynamic interactions between characters. The audience is drawn into Amari's journey and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and moments of emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene enhances its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between different locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative thread. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Amari in a bus, which feels like an unnecessary addition. It doesn't add much to the story and could be cut for pacing.
  • The transition to the hospital scene is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. The writer should consider adding a scene of Amari getting to the hospital or a brief scene with the paramedics for a more natural progression.
  • The dream sequence is confusing and doesn't seem to have a clear purpose. It lacks a strong connection to the main plot and feels like a detour. Is the sunflower field a metaphor for Amari's current mental state? If so, that needs to be made clearer.
  • The dream scene's imagery of the dead parents feels like a cliché and lacks originality. The shattering window feels like a cheap jump scare, not a moment that contributes to the story's tension.
  • The hospital staff's reaction to Amari's dream is overly dramatic. It feels forced and unrealistic, especially the mention of sedation. This scene could be more effective by showing the doctor's concern about Amari's behavior, while the nurse could offer a more practical solution, such as monitoring him for a short period.
  • The scene with the nurse retrieving Amari's phone feels unnecessary. It's a simple action that doesn't contribute to the story's tension or character development. There's no real conflict or interesting exchange of dialogue in this scene. It can be cut.
  • The detective's interrogation feels rushed and lacking in tension. The reveal of Amari's healed wound is abrupt. The scene would be more effective if the writer built up the tension, allowing the reader to experience the detective's suspicion and Amari's growing fear before the reveal. The dialogue feels too expository, telling the reader information rather than showing it through action and reaction.
  • The doctor's sudden decision to release Amari feels unconvincing and underdeveloped. The doctor's actions lack a clear motivation. The writer should explore the doctor's reasoning for releasing Amari, possibly due to concerns about Amari's unusual healing, or his own suspicions that the detective might be wrong.
  • The detective's threats feel empty. He never actually arrests Amari, and it's not clear why he doesn't. The writer should explore the consequences of Amari's actions and the detective's role in the story. The detective's purpose in the scene feels unclear.
Suggestions
  • Cut the opening scene of Amari on the bus.
  • Add a transition scene to connect the bus scene to the hospital, perhaps showing Amari being carried on a stretcher, or a scene with the paramedics.
  • Revise the dream sequence to have a clear connection to the main plot. If it's meant to be a metaphor for Amari's mental state, use the imagery and symbolism to show that. Alternatively, consider replacing the dream with a flashback scene or a scene in which Amari's feelings about his past are revealed through dialogue or actions.
  • Explore Amari's feelings about his parents in a more nuanced way. Instead of showing them as ghosts, consider using flashbacks or internal monologues to reveal his relationship with them and how he is coping with their loss.
  • Tone down the hospital staff's reactions. Show the doctor's concern about Amari's behavior with more subtlety. The nurse's actions should be more grounded and relatable. Focus on the doctor's observations and Amari's mental state rather than creating a chaotic and unrealistic scenario.
  • Cut the scene with the nurse retrieving the phone. It's a simple action that adds nothing to the plot.
  • Build tension in the interrogation scene. Give the reader a chance to experience the detective's suspicion and Amari's growing fear before revealing the healed wound. Show the detective's reaction to the wound with more detail and emotion. Let the dialogue be more organic and less expository.
  • Explore the doctor's reasons for releasing Amari. Is he concerned about Amari's unusual healing? Does he have suspicions about the detective's investigation? Show the doctor's decision process and the potential consequences of his actions.
  • Develop the detective's role in the story. Explore his motives and his relationship with Amari. Show the consequences of his actions. Make the detective's threats feel more real by showing him taking concrete steps to investigate Amari.



Scene 8 -  A Father's Absence
EXT. HOUSTON MEDICAL CENTER STREET - DAY
Amari shields his eyes from the sun. The sounds of the busy
streets overload his ears.
His nose is engulfed with the smell of trash, piss, and body
odors of those approaching and around him.
CUT TO:

INT. ANDREW’S HOME KITCHEN - DAY
Amari walks into the kitchen.
JAVIER
(excited)
Amari! Where were you?
AMARI
(smiling)
I’m here now. What's up, bud, You
ready for school?
MRS. ANDREWS
Where were you?
AMARI
(sure)
I was at the shop. Customer needed
their car back for work this
morning.
Mrs. Andrews looks Amari over.
MRS. ANDREWS
(hurried)
I'll be working a double tonight.
Make sure Javier gets to school on
time.
JAVIER
Gammy? Are you going to go to take
Dad to the Zoo Day with me?
19.

MRS. ANDREWS
Oh, honey, is that today? I have to
work an extra shift.
Javier attempts to pour a second bowl of cereal; Mrs.
Andrew's moves the box away.
JAVIER
Joshua’s Dad is always there.
Gammy, you think Pa-pa would go if
he was here?
MRS. ANDREWS
Oh, for sure. Your Grandfathers
loved the zoo.
AMARI
I’ll be there.
Amari nods and gives Mrs. Andrews a reassuring smile. She
kisses Javier on the head and leaves.
JAVIER
(Dejection/Curiosity)
Amari, what is it like having a
daddy?
Amari is caught off guard by the question he pauses.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Amari returns home from the hospital and finds Javier and Mrs. Andrews preparing for their day. Javier asks his grandmother to take him to the zoo, but she has to work a double shift. This leads to Javier expressing his longing for his father and questioning Amari about what it's like to have a dad. Amari, caught off guard by the question, is left speechless, highlighting the bittersweet reality of Javier's life without his father.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Natural dialogue
  • Heartwarming interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a poignant theme of family and loss. The dialogue is natural and engaging, drawing the audience into the characters' relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the absence of a father figure and its impact on the family is compelling and relatable. It adds depth to Amari's character and sets up potential growth and development.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the family dynamics and emotional connections between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. It moves the story forward by revealing more about Amari's background and motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and responsibilities, with a focus on the absence of a father figure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, especially Amari, Javier, and Mrs. Andrews. Their interactions feel authentic and heartfelt, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up potential growth and development for Amari as he navigates his relationships and family dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of stability and support for Javier in the absence of their parents. This reflects his deeper need for family connection and responsibility.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal in this scene is to ensure Javier gets to school on time and to attend the Zoo Day event with him. This reflects the immediate circumstances of taking care of his nephew and fulfilling family obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the absence of a father figure and its impact on the characters. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong in the form of Mrs. Andrews' absence and the impact it has on Javier and Amari's family dynamic.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internal, focusing on the impact of the absence of a father figure on the characters. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Amari's background, motivations, and relationships. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the characters.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected question from Javier about having a daddy, which adds a layer of emotional complexity to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the absence of a father figure in Javier's life and the impact it has on his understanding of family dynamics. This challenges Amari's beliefs about fatherhood and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, longing, and hope. The interactions between the characters are touching and heartfelt, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, reflecting the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the themes of family, loss, and longing.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the relatable family dynamics portrayed.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a family drama genre, with a clear setup of the characters' relationships and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a jarring transition from a chaotic external scene to a calmer interior. The contrast is abrupt and doesn't smoothly guide the reader into the new location.
  • The opening lines describing Amari's senses feel overly descriptive and slow down the pace. It's better to show the impact of the experience than simply state it.
  • Javier's dialogue feels a bit repetitive and lacks nuance. It's unclear what specific emotion he's trying to convey.
  • The back-and-forth between Javier and Mrs. Andrews feels static and repetitive. It could be condensed for greater impact.
  • Amari's response to Javier's question about having a dad is too vague. It feels like a missed opportunity to explore Amari's own complicated relationship with his father.
  • The abrupt cut to black at the end of the scene feels unsatisfying. It would be more impactful to leave the reader with a lingering thought or question.
Suggestions
  • Consider a smoother transition between the external and internal scenes. Perhaps a visual cue like Amari entering his apartment building would help.
  • Instead of stating Amari's sensory overload, show it. Use action and dialogue to reveal his discomfort.
  • Give Javier's dialogue more specific emotions. Is he curious? Longing? Show his feelings through his words and actions.
  • Consider streamlining the dialogue between Javier and Mrs. Andrews. Focus on the core emotional conflict of the scene.
  • Explore Amari's inner thoughts and feelings in response to Javier's question. What are his memories of his father? How does this question affect him?
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Perhaps Amari's reaction to the question, or a visual reveal of something significant in the kitchen, could create a more satisfying ending.



Scene 9 -  The Donuts and the Dark Car
INT. FLASHBACK AMARI’S HOME AGE 8 - DAY
A young AMARI, 11 years old, sits on the worn-out couch, his
eyes fixed on the television screen. Voices and laughter
blare from the television. Amari’s face lights up with
amusement.
In the background, the muffled voices of his parents, POOKIE
(20s) and JUNE (20s), can be heard from the adjacent room,
their argument growing louder and more intense.
POOKIE (O.S.)
I can't take it anymore!
JUNE (O.S.)
This is not easy for me either!
The tension in the room mounts. Amari’s attention shifts from
the television to his parents.
POOKIE
What about Amari?
20.

JUNE
It’s not about him, he's young.
Kid's bounce back.
June abruptly enters the living room, frustration etched on
his face. He strides over to the television and forcefully
unplugs it and lifts it from the stand.
POOKIE (O.S.)
Great, really great, June
Silence and darkness surround Amari.
END FLASHBACK.
CUT BACK TO:

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Amari pours Javier another bowl of cereal.
AMARI
(angst)
It was okay...
(Beat)
Let's go before you're late for
school.
CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY
Kids walk in small groups, all heading to school, chatting
and laughing. Amari is confused that he can hear everyone's
conversation. His ears pick up the hunger rumbles in a
brother and sister's stomach.

Amari and Javier pass a small shopping center, they enter a
Shipley’s Do-Nut shop, returning a few seconds later. Amari
runs over to the brother and sister at the bus stop and hands
them a bag of donut holes.
JAVIER
You know they mama?
AMARI
No.
JAVIER
Why did you buy them donuts?
21.

AMARI
They were hungry. Always help when
you can.
Amari notices a scent in the air. Amari looks back, a black
car with dark-tinted windows is moving slowly behind them.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary The scene begins with a flashback to Amari's childhood, revealing a tense argument between his parents. Cut back to the present, Amari prepares breakfast for Javier and they walk to school. Amari, who can hear others' thoughts, gives donuts to hungry siblings. A mysterious black car follows them, creating a sense of unease. The scene concludes with Javier's question about having a father, leaving Amari contemplating his own family dynamics.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Natural dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the significance of the black car

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends past and present narratives, creating a sense of depth and emotional resonance. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the tension builds gradually, keeping the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Amari's childhood through flashbacks while juxtaposing it with his current life adds layers to his character and enhances the overall narrative. The scene effectively conveys themes of family dynamics and the lasting impact of childhood experiences.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions and subtle hints at underlying tensions and conflicts. The introduction of the mysterious black car adds intrigue and foreshadows potential danger, setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting family conflict and empathy, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Amari and Javier, are well-developed and relatable. Their interactions reveal depth and emotional complexity, drawing the audience into their world. Each character's unique personality shines through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

Amari experiences a subtle shift in perspective as he reflects on his childhood and interacts with Javier. His empathy and sense of responsibility deepen, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to navigate the tension and conflict between his parents while maintaining his innocence and empathy towards others.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to help the hungry brother and sister at the bus stop, showcasing his kindness and willingness to assist others in need.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains subtle conflicts, both internal and external, that drive the narrative forward. The tension between characters and the mysterious presence of the black car create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the introduction of the mysterious black car and the underlying tensions in Amari's past. The potential danger and unresolved conflicts hint at future challenges and risks.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Amari's past and present, introducing new conflicts and mysteries, and setting up future developments. It deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shift in focus from family conflict to helping others, adding layers to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between June and Pookie's focus on their own issues versus Amari's focus on helping others and maintaining his innocence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from nostalgia and empathy to suspense and anticipation. The audience is emotionally invested in Amari's journey and the relationships he navigates.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of each character's personality. It effectively conveys emotions, relationships, and underlying tensions, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, relatable characters, and the sense of mystery and danger introduced by the dark-tinted car.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution and transition to the next sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions, effectively conveying the emotional and narrative arcs.


Critique
  • The flashback is a bit underdeveloped. While it conveys Amari's childhood and the tension between his parents, it lacks specificity and emotional depth. We don't get a clear sense of why the argument is happening, or how it impacts Amari beyond the immediate frustration of the TV being unplugged. Perhaps we could see a moment of Amari trying to intervene or a fleeting look of sadness on his face that hints at a deeper impact.
  • The transition between the flashback and the present is a bit jarring. It feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. The use of 'CUT TO' repeatedly emphasizes this disjointedness. Consider exploring a more subtle transition, perhaps through a visual motif or a line of dialogue that bridges the past and present.
  • The scene is a bit too exposition-heavy. While it introduces the concept of Amari's heightened senses and his desire to help, it feels a bit forced. Consider weaving these elements into the narrative more organically, perhaps through Amari's reaction to a specific situation or a subtle internal monologue.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and lacks emotional resonance. While Javier's question about having a dad is impactful, Amari's reaction is minimal and doesn't leave the reader with a sense of closure. Consider exploring Amari's internal thoughts and emotions in response to the question, providing a more nuanced and meaningful conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Expand the flashback. Provide more context to the argument between Amari's parents, perhaps showing its impact on Amari's emotional state or a specific action he takes in response. Consider adding a visual or dialogue element that foreshadows the present.
  • Use a more subtle transition between the flashback and the present. Consider a visual element, like a lingering shot of the unplugged TV, that connects to the present. Perhaps Javier asks Amari a question that triggers the memory, creating a more organic transition.
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of explicitly stating Amari's heightened senses, show them through his reactions and actions. For example, he could react to a specific sound or smell, or perhaps his eyes briefly flicker with a different color when he hears the hunger in the children's stomachs.
  • Explore Amari's emotional response to Javier's question. Instead of a simple pause, consider adding an internal monologue or a visual cue that reveals his thoughts and feelings. For example, he could look away, momentarily lost in thought, or he could try to avoid eye contact with Javier.



Scene 10 -  The Black Car
EXT/INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
Amari walks Javier into the school, the brothers exchange
their signature handshake before Javier heads inside. Amari
watches him disappear through the school doors before turning
away.
Outside, Amari walks to the end of the block, pulls out a
cigarette blunt, and lights it. The taste quickly spoils in
his mouth, and he spits it out.
CUT TO:

EXT. CAR GARAGE SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Amari turns up the alleyway. Reid racks a bench press bar,
Grein slides out under a car sitting on a makeshift jack. The
Destroyer barks and growls at Amari.
CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
The Destroyer barks and growls at Amari.
REID
(slurring words)
Man, I heard they were ripped
apart. It had to be some maniac,
bro.
GREIN
(correcting)
Nah, bro, it was a trained police
dog. The owner let that bitch
loose.
Both Reid and Grein stare at Amari for answers. The Destroyer
begins to aggressively bark, Amari reaches for him, The
Destroyer whimpers and runs off into the back room.
22.

AMARI
(oddly)
I don't know shit.
REID
I heard Sid, got a hit out for
people responsible.
Amari spots a dark car sitting across the street, between the
houses. Walking toward them, A drug addict GHOST-POP (30s),
thin, pale, and filthy.
GREIN
Man, here come this broke
motherfucker.
Ghost-pop stops in his tracks, standing frozen in place.
REID
Ghost-Pop! Wake your tweaking ass
up. Do you have money or not?
GHOST-POP
(Unfrozen)
Yea, yea... I'm good.
Amari and the other men look at each other with annoyance.
AMARI
Where do you go when you tweak out?
GHOST-POP
(Unrolling money)
To another dimension!
Grein whistles, signaling someone inside a vacant house
across the alley.
GHOST-POP (CONT'D)
Can I get... Two on credit? I can
take my business to Mckay.
GREIN
Get the fuck outta here.
Ghost-pop walks off fast toward the vacant house, and a small
tray slides from under the back door. Ghost-pop takes the
small baggie from the tray and leaves.
REID
They say Mckay street doing 10gs a
week.
23.

GREIN
Fo show.
Amari watches Ghost-pop fade into the unkept brush.
Time, cars and customers move through the alley, and the
backdoor tray slides out repeatedly.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Amari drops Javier off at school and heads to a car garage run by Reid and Grein. The atmosphere is tense and gritty, underscored by the presence of a dangerous dog, The Destroyer, and the constant flow of drug transactions through a trapdoor. Amari tries to get information about a recent dog attack but is met with silence. A drug addict, Ghost-Pop, is chased away by Grein. As the scene ends, Amari notices a black car with dark-tinted windows following him, adding a layer of suspense and foreshadowing future conflict.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up tension and intrigue through its dialogue and interactions, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, focusing on the interactions in an alleyway garage shop, is well-executed and contributes to the overall tone and atmosphere of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters discuss rumors and encounter Ghost-Pop, adding layers to the unfolding narrative and building anticipation for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and authentic portrayal of urban crime and survival, with unique characters and situations that feel true to life. The dialogue and actions of the characters add depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, including Amari, Reid, Grein, and Ghost-Pop, are distinct and contribute to the scene's atmosphere and tension through their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and events set the stage for potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his facade of indifference and detachment, despite the chaos and danger surrounding him. This reflects his deeper need to protect himself emotionally and psychologically from the harsh realities of his environment.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to navigate the criminal underworld and maintain his reputation while avoiding getting caught up in dangerous situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, as well as the underlying tension and danger present in the scene, heightens the suspense and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and potential consequences for their actions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The presence of Ghost-Pop and the rumors of danger raise the stakes in the scene, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the unfolding narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, building tension, and setting up future conflicts and events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and choices made by the characters. The audience is kept guessing about the outcomes of the interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral ambiguity and the choices they make in a world where survival often requires compromising one's values. Amari's interactions with Ghost-Pop highlight this conflict as he navigates the ethical dilemmas of his environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene focuses more on tension and suspense than emotional depth, the interactions and dialogue still evoke feelings of anxiety and anticipation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and helps to establish the personalities of the characters while building suspense and foreshadowing future events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tension, suspense, and the complex dynamics between the characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience on edge, wondering what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions and choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between different characters and events without establishing a central conflict or theme. While it does introduce several key elements, including the drug trade and the black car, it doesn't explore them in enough depth.
  • The dialogue is too expository and lacks nuance. Lines like "I heard they were ripped apart" and "Man, I heard Sid, got a hit out for people responsible" tell us about the drug trade and the threat of Sid, but they lack character and don't contribute to the scene's overall purpose.
  • The scene doesn't develop Amari's character or motivations. He's mostly reactive to the events unfolding around him, and his thoughts and feelings are not explored. The scene leaves the audience wondering about his connection to the drug trade, his relationship with the black car, and his next steps.
  • The scene relies too heavily on visual exposition. The backdoor tray sliding out repeatedly to serve customers is an effective way to show the drug trade, but it lacks the dramatic impact of a scene that engages the audience through dialogue and action.
  • The scene is not visually compelling. The descriptions of the car garage shop and the alleyway lack detail and don't create a strong sense of atmosphere or place. The scene could benefit from more visually evocative descriptions and moments of action.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a central conflict. This could be Amari's struggle to resist temptation, his growing suspicion of the black car, or his moral dilemma about the drug trade.
  • Develop Amari's character. Explore his motivations, his past, and his internal conflict. What are his thoughts and feelings as he witnesses the drug trade? How does the black car affect him?
  • Use dialogue to build tension and character. Replace expository lines with more nuanced dialogue that reveals character and advances the plot. Explore the relationships between the characters in the garage, and reveal more about their personalities and motivations.
  • Focus on action and visual elements. Instead of relying on visual exposition, create a scene with more dramatic action. Add more detail to the descriptions of the garage shop and the alleyway. Focus on the visual elements that are most important to the scene and the story.
  • Consider adding a flashback to the scene. This could be a flashback to Amari's earlier encounter with the werewolf, or a flashback to a moment that provides more insight into Amari's character and motivation. It could also be a flashback to the murder that Sid is seeking revenge for.



Scene 11 -  The Day Amari Became Superhuman
INT. GARAGE - LATER
Amari works alone in the shop. Amari tosses a treat at front
of closet door. Destroyer barks inside the dark closet.
Amari reaches inside for him, the Destroyer scatters off,
toward the suspended car. The Destroyer runs over under the
car, bumping the jack.
AMARI
Hey!
The jack gives way, Amari catches the car mid fall with one
arm. He stands in shock, lifting the car un and down. Amari
restacks the car up on the jack. He looks over his hand with
amazement.
The destroyer waddles out from under the car with the treat
in his mouth and runs back into the closet.
Amari lowers the car, and slowly moves back to his chair, his
mind is racing, he mistakenly kicks the large dumbbell.
Intrigued, Amari slowly reaches for the dumbbell, grasping it
tight.
With one easy swoop, Amari lifts the dumbbell, curling the
dumbbell with one arm. He looks around at the garage, paint
can, tools, and car parts are scattered about.
AMARI (CONT'D)
Let's clean up.
With a burst of speed Amari dances around the garage
cleaning, stacking parts and tools. He flashes out the door
and back with snacks from the gas station. Returning to paint
the wall. Taking a step back, Amari looks over his work.
CUT TO:
24.

INT. HOUSTON CITY MORGUE - DAY
A cold room with a double row of Reid seats. At back of the
room is a metal door, with a Grein light bulb in cased wire,
behind the door bodies are stored and made ready for families
to identify loved ones.
At the edge of seats, Leo’s mother, DEE (40s) sits in tears.
Standing at the front of the room is SID, (50s) Dee’s older
brother, an imposing man, street gangster, his walk aided by
a cane, due to sickle cell anemia.
He's flanked by two of his large goons, TONY AND GINO (30s).
The sound of sniffles and tears is broken by the buzzing and
glow of the bright light, alerting the family that the body
is ready for viewing. Dee is to overcome with grief to move.
SID
(whispering)
Stay seated, I check on him.
Sid walks over to the door; the small slider moves left. Sid
is startled but holds his demeanor at the mauled face of Leo.
He nods at the camera and the slide closes.
Sid, painfully with the aid of the cane, walks back over to
his sister and takes her hand.
SID (CONT'D)
I’m sorry baby.
Dee belts out a loud cry, Sid motions to the young lady next
to Dee, she stands and escorts the wailing mother out of the
room.
Sid walks back over to the door, and taps on the window, the
door opens.
CUT TO:

INT. COLD ROOM
Sid and his goons stand over the body, the coroner leaves the
room, Sid pulls back the sheet, exposing Leo’s ravaged body,
the harden men are taken back.
SID
He was stupid. Maybe he even
deserved it. (beat) But he was my
little sister's son. So, whoever
did this has to pay. Who was he
with?
25.

TONY
He hangs with Rip and an alley
mechanic.
SID
(annoyed)
Rip is lying in the next room!
Who’s the mechanic?
CUT TO:

EXT. DAVISON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-DAY
A school bus is parked at the school, surrounded by Javier
and his 4th-grade classmates, a few parents, and two
teachers. Amari races towards the group, a broad smile on his
face.
JAVIER
(excitedly)
Amari!
AMARI
(grinning)
Ready for the zoo?
The school bus doors swing open, and Javier, Amari, and the
rest of the group board the bus. With a hiss of the engine,
the bus sets off, headed for the zoo.
CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO - DAY
The group arrives at the zoo, their excitement palpable.
Among the crowd, Nikki stands at the gate awaiting their
arrival. She rushes towards them, embracing Javier and Amari.
NIKKI
(hugging Javier)
Hey there, little buddy! Ready to
see some animals?
JAVIER
Hey, Nikki.
Nikki rolls her eyes at Amari.
Amari notices the small animals watching him closely, their
curious eyes fixated on him.
26.

The group arrives at the large cat area. Lions and tigers
display aggression, hissing and growling at Amari, who
remains oblivious to their territorial warnings.
NIKKI
(supportive)
Look like they know a dog when they
smell one.
AMARI
Very funny.
Amari notices a YOUNG MAN with sunglasses following the group
and watching him closely.
The wolves move around excitedly, their scent filling the
air. Amari’s keen senses pick up on their distinct pack
scent.
Suddenly, without warning, a monkey in a nearby enclosure
throws poop at Amari, hitting his shirt. Javier and the other
kids burst into uncontrollable laughter.
JAVIER
(laughing hysterically)
You got poo on you!
Amari playfully chases Javier and Nikki, his poop-stained
shirt adding to the hilarity of the moment.
The YOUNG MAN in glasses walks up toward the wolf's den. The
wolves whimper and take submissive postures.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Amari, a mechanic, discovers he has extraordinary strength after accidentally knocking over a dumbbell. He then picks up his nephew Javier from school and takes him to the zoo, where he is followed by a mysterious young man in sunglasses. At the zoo, a monkey throws poop at Amari, leading to laughter, while the wolves are oddly intimidated by the sunglasses-wearing man. The scene ends with the young man approaching the wolves, who submit to him, raising questions about his connection to the animals and his intentions towards Amari.
Strengths
  • Engaging blend of genres
  • Well-developed characters
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel disjointed due to the variety of themes and genres

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged with a mix of emotions and suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining family relationships, criminal activities, and supernatural elements is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of physical challenges and emotional introspection, creating a fresh take on the 'man vs. machine' trope. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes, especially in their relationships and perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to prove his strength and capability, as shown by his ability to catch a falling car and lift a heavy dumbbell with ease. This reflects his desire to be self-reliant and competent in the face of challenges.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to clean up and organize his garage, reflecting his need for order and control in his environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple conflicts present, including internal struggles, criminal activities, and supernatural threats.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Amari facing physical challenges and emotional obstacles that test his strength and resilience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with criminal activities, supernatural threats, and personal relationships at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it blends moments of physical action with emotional vulnerability, creating a sense of tension and surprise for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the idea of strength and vulnerability. Amari's physical strength contrasts with his emotional vulnerability, as seen in his shock at catching the falling car and his amazement at his own strength.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from fear to hope, keeping the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines moments of tension and surprise with moments of introspection and character development, keeping the audience invested in Amari's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of action with moments of reflection, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that flow naturally from the characters' actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a somewhat mundane action (Amari tossing a treat to the dog) and then jumps into a dramatic moment (the car falling) that feels unearned. The transition is abrupt and lacks any build-up, making the sudden appearance of Amari's strength seem implausible.
  • The visual description of Amari catching the car mid-fall is somewhat confusing. The reader needs more clarification about the precise mechanics of how he manages to do this. A clearer visual would help the reader understand the scope of his power.
  • The scene then shifts abruptly again to Amari lifting the dumbbell, which further emphasizes the sudden and unexplained nature of his newfound strength. The lack of explanation or internal struggle on Amari's part makes the transition feel unrealistic and unconvincing.
  • The scene is overly descriptive, using phrases like 'with a burst of speed' and 'with amazement' that don't add much to the story. Instead of stating the character's emotional state, show Amari's reaction through action and dialogue.
  • The transition to the morgue scene is abrupt and jarring. It disrupts the flow of the narrative and creates a sense of disconnection between the two scenes. The scene change could be smoother if there was a visual connection or a character link.
  • The scene at the morgue lacks tension and intrigue. The dialogue is expository and the characters are static. The scene focuses on Sid's anger and desire for revenge, but it lacks any emotional depth or compelling motivation. The reader doesn't feel invested in Sid's journey.
  • The scene at the zoo seems to be a missed opportunity to further develop Amari's powers. Instead of focusing on the spectacle of the animals reacting to Amari, the scene could have explored how his powers manifest in this environment.
  • The scene ends abruptly with the Young Man in sunglasses approaching the wolf den. This unresolved plot point leaves the reader with unanswered questions and a sense of unfinished business. The scene needs a clearer conclusion or a more impactful ending.
  • The scene's overall tone is inconsistent. The beginning of the scene is comedic, while the morgue scene is dark and somber. The zoo scene has elements of both, making the overall tone feel chaotic and confusing.
Suggestions
  • Build up to the reveal of Amari's strength gradually. Show him struggling with the car jack, creating a sense of anticipation before he suddenly displays his abilities. This will make his power more believable and impactful.
  • Focus on Amari's internal struggle as he discovers his newfound abilities. Describe his thoughts and feelings as he tries to understand what is happening.
  • Use more evocative language and imagery to convey Amari's strength and actions. Instead of stating that he 'lifts the car', describe the way his muscles tense, the sound of the metal groaning, and the expressions on his face.
  • Consider using a flashback to reveal the origin of Amari's powers. This could create a deeper connection to the story and provide a more satisfying explanation for his abilities.
  • Smooth the transition to the morgue scene. Consider having Amari receive a phone call from Sid or a news update about Leo's death, providing a logical connection between the two scenes.
  • Add more tension and conflict to the morgue scene. Give Sid a compelling motive for seeking revenge, and show him actively pursuing a lead or making plans. Introduce a new character or reveal a new plot point that will drive the story forward.
  • Explore the implications of Amari's powers in the zoo scene. Show him using his heightened senses to understand the animals' behavior or maybe experience a moment of connection with a creature.
  • Provide a satisfying conclusion to the scene at the zoo. Show the Young Man in sunglasses interacting with Amari or the wolves. Provide some closure to the scene and raise questions about his identity or his motivations.
  • Consider using a more consistent tone throughout the scene. Focus on either humor or suspense, depending on what you want to achieve in this particular scene.



Scene 12 -  Tension and Concern
INT. AMARI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Back at the apartment, Amari tucks Javier into bed.
JAVIER
(curiously)
Amari, if a monkey threw poop at
me, could I get a girlfriend?
AMARI
(chuckling)
Funny guy.
Amari kisses Javier goodnight before leaving the room.
CUT TO:
27.

INT. AMARI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Nikki rolls a pair of old dumbbells with her foot. In the
background, the weatherman talks about the super moon
happening later that night.
Nikki stares at Amari with desire and amazement as he pulls
off the stained shirt, his new muscular physique.
NIKKI
Looks like someone has been hitting
the weights.
Amari checks out his body in the mirror. He hides his shock.
AMARI
Yeah, a little. Drop me at the
garage.
NIKKI
Let's roll.
CUT TO:

EXT. REPAIR SHOP GARAGE - NIGHT
Amari and Nikki lie close together on the bed of pickup
truck, snugged together.
NIKKI
(Direct)
How long are you going to keep
risking your life for this?
AMARI
(Evading)
Nikki.
NIKKI
(Angry)
Next time, it could be your body
coming home in pieces.
AMARI
(Agitated)
I won't let that happen.
The pair sit silent, Nikki stares out the window. Amari leans
in close. Suddenly, Nikki's phone buzzes; it's an order for
Uber Eats delivery.
NIKKI
I got to go.
28.

Nikki breaks away, her expression filled with concern.
AMARI
My woman shouldn't be working like
this. Bringing food to strangers.
Nikki kisses Amari tenderly on the forehead and quickly
approaches her car.
NIKKI
Well, we know what happened last
time you tried.
SMASH CUT:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Amari tucks Javier into bed and jokes with him before Nikki admires his physique and expresses concern about his safety. The scene ends with Nikki abruptly leaving after receiving an order for Uber Eats, leaving Amari with a sense of concern and unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Pacing in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and emotionally resonant narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring love, sacrifice, and personal growth in the midst of danger is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and emotional revelations, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of love and sacrifice, blending elements of danger and romance in a compelling way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced personalities and motivations that drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and introspection, leading to potential shifts in their relationships and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to protect Nikki and keep her safe, despite the dangers of his own lifestyle. This reflects his deeper need for connection and love, as well as his fear of losing someone important to him.

External Goal: 7.5

Amari's external goal in this scene is to continue his risky activities without putting Nikki in harm's way. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his personal life with his dangerous pursuits.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between personal desires and responsibilities, as well as the looming danger, creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of danger, personal sacrifice, and emotional turmoil heighten the tension and impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character dynamics, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional turns and the characters' conflicting motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of sacrifice and the lengths one is willing to go to protect those they care about. Amari's willingness to put himself in danger contrasts with Nikki's concern for his safety, highlighting their differing values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and relationships, engaging the audience on a deep level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters, adding depth to their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved. The audience is drawn into the tension and drama of the moment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character development.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacking in emotional depth. While the dialogue attempts to convey tension between Amari and Nikki, it feels forced and lacks a natural flow. The scene feels like it's rushing to get to the next plot point, rather than allowing the characters to breathe and connect.
  • The scene is lacking in visual detail. There isn't much to paint a picture for the reader, making it hard to imagine the setting and the characters' emotions.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt. The 'Smash Cut' is an interesting choice but needs to be better integrated to create a stronger visual connection between the two.
  • Amari's newfound strength is barely touched upon in this scene. This is a major plot point and could be further explored to build tension and reveal more about his character.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and unresolved. It's unclear what Nikki's departure signifies for the relationship between her and Amari.
  • The focus on Nikki's Uber Eats delivery feels like a jarring shift in tone, especially after the previous scene's focus on the zoo. It creates a disconnect and doesn't contribute to the overall story arc.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene and allow for more dialogue between Amari and Nikki. Explore their feelings and the underlying tension in their relationship. Show, don't tell, the concern Nikki has for Amari's safety.
  • Use visuals and details to bring the scene to life. Describe the setting, the characters' body language, and their facial expressions. This will make the scene more immersive for the reader.
  • Create a smoother transition between scenes. This could be done by using a visual bridge, such as a shared element from the previous scene. Consider a more subtle transition instead of a 'Smash Cut.'
  • Explore Amari's newfound strength in more depth. Show how his body has changed, how he is struggling to control his abilities, and how this is impacting his relationship with Nikki. This will add another layer of complexity to his character.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional impact. This could be done by showing the consequences of Amari's actions, such as Nikki's fear for his safety, or his own internal struggle with his new abilities.
  • Consider eliminating or rewriting the Uber Eats delivery part. It distracts from the main conflict and can be replaced with something more relevant to the story arc. Focus on the tension between Amari and Nikki regarding his risky behavior.



Scene 13 -  The Werewolf's Rampage
INT. CAR DELIEVERY FLASHBACK - NIGHT
Lost, Amari speeds through the city streets, reading the
address on his phone. Unconsciously, he reaches into the
McDonald's bag, takes a handful of fries, and stuffs them in
his mouth.
Turn after turn, Amari approaches the house, drops the bag at
the door, and runs back to his car. A chubby woman opens the
door and looks inside the bag.
UBER CUSTOMER
(upset)
I know you fucking lying.
END FLASH BACK.
CUT BACK TO:

EXT. REPAIR SHOP GARAGE - NIGHT
Nikki's brake lights bend the corner. Amari turns back over
and places his airpods in his ears, glances to the night sky
and walks into the garage.
Amari falls into trans-like state, his attention off into the
night sky. The moon emerges from behind the clouds, casting
an eerie glow.
Amari’s eyes inexplicably turn light brown and Grein. He
winces in pain, his muscles spasming uncontrollably. He cries
out, the agony intensifying.
AMARI
(in pain)
Help...
29.

His body begins to transform into a werewolf. Skin stretches,
bones contort, and his body mass increases, he falls from the
truck bed to the garage floor, taking out the lights,
knocking over tool and car parts.
A neighbor step outside onto his patio, accompanied by his
barking dogs. The dogs suddenly grow silent and rush back
indoors, sensing danger.
Meanwhile, Amari writhes in pain. His face elongates, his
nose stretching into a snout. A haunting howl replaces his
human voice.
The weight of the massive creature causes the pickup truck
bed to sink. The alley echos with the deep, dark howl of the
werewolf.
CUT TO:

EXT. MS. G’S HOME - NIGHT
Ms. G in her night robe, taps a can of cat food, looking for
one of her cats.
MS. G
Baby... Baby!
The werewolf stalks her in darkness, watching her move back
and forth. Ms. G notices the werewolf’s eyes in the bushes.
MS. G (CONT'D)
Is that you baby? Come on in Mama
is getting cold.
The werewolf moves closer, startling Ms. G, her cat hisses
and jumps from the bushes, into her arms.
MS. G (CONT'D)
There you are! Let's go inside and
get you warm.
Ms. G walks back into her home holding her cat.
CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSTON DISCOVERY GREEN PARK - NIGHT
A couple, MALE (30s) and FEMALE (20s), walk hand in hand,
unaware of the danger lurking in the shadows. The street is
dimly lit, with a few flickering streetlights illuminating
their path.
30.

Suddenly, a low growl echoes through the air. The couple
glances around, their senses on high alert.
FEMALE
(nervously)
Did you hear that?
MALE
(concerned)
Let's pick up the pace.
Unbeknownst to them, the werewolf stalks from the shadows.
They round a corner, the werewolf lunges, they scream in
terror as the beast tares them apart with brutal swiftness.
CUT TO:

EXT. HERMAN PARK - NIGHT
The werewolf, snout covered in blood, prowls through the
park, its eyes glinting with a feral hunger. A JOGGER (40s)
runs along the path, unaware of the danger approaching.
The jogger feels the presence of the werewolf behind him. He
increases his speed, desperately trying to escape. The
werewolf chases the jogger relentlessly.

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT
The jogger, breathing heavily, reaches the brightly lit
Memorial Park, Land Bridge Tunnel, hoping to find safety
within its confines. He darts inside, the sound of his
footsteps echoing through the space.
The jogger reaches the other end of the tunnel, a car
suddenly slams on its brakes, screeching to a halt. The
blinding headlights illuminate the werewolf, freezing it
momentarily and slams into the werewolf.
The car's impact sends the werewolf crashing the ground. The
jogger can driver of the car stare in amazement at the size
of the wolf.
The jogger pulls on the door handle and hops inside the car,
watching the werewolf run off into the darkness.
CUT TO:
31.

INT. TOW YARD - DAY
Amari wakes up, lying on the cold ground of a tow yard. Three
large guard dogs, keeping their distance, watch Amari’s every
move. Nude, petrified, Amari looks around, his eyes filled
with confusion and disorientation.
AMARI
(whispering to himself)
Where am I? Whoa! Good boys...
Desperate to find a way out, Amari scans through the fence.
His attention is drawn to a figure in the distance, Ghost-
Pop.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(yelling)
Hey, Ghost-Pop! Over here!
GHOST-POP
(smirking)
What are we stealing?
AMARI
(pleadingly)
I need clothes.
Ghost-Pop smirks, his eyes gleaming with mischief.
GHOST-POP
(whispering)
You're butt ass naked! What
happened to your clothes?
AMARI
Look, I need your help. And I'll
look out for you on your next trip.
GHOST-POP
(leaning closer)
Pants, huh? Okay, I can help you
with that. Three packs?
AMARI
(anxious)
Yeah, okay...
Ghost-Pop disappears into the shadows. The dogs keep their
distance and a watchful eye on Amari.
Ghost-Pop returns, a bundle of dirty pants and a shirt in his
hands.
32.

GHOST-POP
(handing over the clothes)
Here you go, just as promised.
Don't forget.
Amari quickly grabs the clothes; he turns in disgust at the
smell.
AMARI
Fuck... Where did you get --
GHOST-POP
-- No refunds or questions asked. 3
Pack.
AMARI
(grateful)
I got you.
GHOST-POP
Hey, you on that shit?
AMARI
No. Partied too much.
Ghost-Pop smirks.
GHOST-POP
Okay, good. That shit ain’t good
for you.
Amari quickly puts on the dirty pants and shirt. As he
dresses, he cautiously glances over at Ghost-Pop, and leaps
up the fence, shocking himself, and slowly climbing over.
GHOST-POP (CONT'D)
Damn...
The once-calm dogs crash the fence toward Ghost-Pop, barking
and growling. Amari runs off toward home.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Fantasy"]

Summary The scene opens with a flashback showing Amari's past delivery job and his encounter with an angry customer. It then shifts to the present, where Amari undergoes a horrifying transformation into a werewolf. This transformation leads to a terrifying rampage, with the werewolf attacking several victims, including Ms. G, a couple in a park, and a jogger. Amari wakes up confused and naked in a tow yard, where he meets Ghost-Pop who offers him clothes in exchange for help with a job. Amari escapes the tow yard and runs towards home, leaving Ghost-Pop behind to be chased by the dogs.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Unique character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be improved in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a supernatural element with the werewolf transformation. The dark tone and mysterious atmosphere keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mechanic with superhuman abilities transforming into a werewolf adds an intriguing supernatural element to the story. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets up further developments.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of the werewolf transformation and the mysterious events surrounding Amari. The scene sets up potential conflicts and developments for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on werewolf mythology by incorporating urban settings and modern dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and reactions adds depth to the supernatural elements.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, such as Amari and Ghost-Pop, are intriguing and add depth to the scene. Their interactions and unique traits enhance the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Amari undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, both physically and emotionally, as he grapples with his newfound abilities and the danger he faces.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to control his transformation into a werewolf and find a way to navigate his new reality without causing harm to others.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to find clothes and escape the tow yard without being caught or harmed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Amari's human and werewolf nature, as well as the danger posed by the werewolf, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Amari facing challenges both internally and externally as he navigates his transformation and escape.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the danger posed by the werewolf and the potential consequences of Amari's transformation. The scene sets up a sense of urgency and peril.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key supernatural elements and setting up potential conflicts and developments. It propels the narrative towards further suspenseful events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Amari's transformation and escape, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of control and acceptance of one's true nature. Amari struggles with his transformation and the consequences it brings, highlighting the internal conflict between his human and werewolf sides.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience through the werewolf transformation and the danger it poses. It sets a dark and intense emotional tone.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and mystery of the scene. It provides insight into the characters' motivations and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, action, and supernatural elements, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of transformation and escape.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a supernatural thriller, effectively conveying the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of transformation and escape.


Critique
  • The scene jumps around a lot, making it difficult to follow. It starts with a flashback, then cuts back to the present, then cuts to Ms. G's house, then to a park, then to a tunnel, and finally to a tow yard. Each cut feels abrupt and disjointed, disrupting the flow of the scene and leaving the reader confused.
  • The scene is too reliant on exposition. The dialogue is often used to simply tell the audience what is happening rather than showing it through action or character interaction. For example, the line "Did you hear that?" is a weak attempt to create suspense. The scene would be more effective if the characters' reactions and actions showed their fear and confusion.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It jumps between different locations and storylines without a central theme or conflict. It feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a cohesive scene.
  • The werewolf transformation sequence is too quick and lacks visual detail. The scene could be more effective if it slowed down the transformation, focusing on the physical changes Amari's body undergoes. This would create a sense of horror and awe for the reader.
  • The scene relies heavily on stock footage imagery. Descriptions like "a low growl echoes through the air" and "the werewolf lunges" are generic and uninspired. The scene would be more engaging if it used more unique and evocative language to describe the events.
  • The scene could be more engaging if it used more sensory details. Adding details about the sounds, smells, and textures of the environment would create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth. The characters are not fully developed, and their motivations are not clear. The scene would be more impactful if it focused on the characters' emotional responses to the events unfolding around them.
  • The scene could benefit from stronger foreshadowing. The scene feels like it's just happening, with no indication of what might happen next. Adding clues or hints about the upcoming events could create a sense of anticipation and intrigue for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the scene and focus on one primary storyline. The scene could focus on Amari's transformation and his initial encounter with Ghost-Pop.
  • Show, don't tell. Use actions and character interactions to convey the story's events. Instead of stating that the couple is nervous, describe their fidgeting and worried expressions. Instead of saying the werewolf lunges, describe the beast's powerful movements and the couple's desperate attempts to flee.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and emotions. Why is Amari so desperate for clothes? What is Ghost-Pop's motivation for helping him? What does the werewolf's transformation signify? By exploring these questions, you can create a more compelling scene.
  • Use vivid imagery to describe the werewolf transformation. Focus on the physical changes, the sounds, the smells, and the emotions associated with the transformation. This will create a more intense and unforgettable scene.
  • Add sensory details to the scene. What does the air smell like in the tow yard? What sounds does the werewolf make? What does it feel like to be in the tunnel? These details will bring the scene to life for the reader.
  • Consider incorporating more foreshadowing. Hint at Amari's future struggles with his transformation or his potential conflict with the black car. This will create a sense of mystery and keep the reader engaged.



Scene 14 -  The Tow Yard Incident
INT. CITY STREET - DAY
Amari, disheveled, runs past a half-naked HOMELESS MAN who
cries out desperately.
NAMELESS HOMELESS MAN
My clothes!
33.

Amari, determined, continues running, trying to blend in with
the bustling city crowd. He can see his apartment in the
closing distance.
CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Amari sneaks into the apartment building, hoping to find a
safe hiding place. He carefully makes his way through the
lobby, avoiding any suspicious glances.
Nikki, standing in the crowd, watches as the police
investigate the crime scene of a triple murder, including the
little boy shot in the back.
She notices Amari moving quickly through the back of the
parking lot.
CUT TO:

INT. AMARI’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY
The floor of the room is crowded with car magazines. Small
car parts and a car bumper are spread around the room.
Amari is frantically getting undressed, frustrated and unsure
of what to say.
AMARI
(irritated)
I... I don't remember. I woke up in
a tow yard.
Nikki's concern deepens as she realizes something is off
about Amari’s behavior. Amari closes the door behind her and
starts to change clothing.
NIKKI
Nigga, you tweaking?
AMARI
(defensive)
Hold up, now you're tripping.
NIKKI
(aggressive)
I'm not the one wearing someone
else funky clothes.
AMARI
What happened in the lot?
34.

NIKKI
Some heads were stealing car parts
and got into a shootout.
AMARI
(excited)
Damn, who caught them?
NIKKI
(sincere)
Don't know. A kid was killed,
taking out the trash.
Amari pauses in thought.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Amari, disheveled and frantic, rushes home after escaping a dangerous situation, likely at a tow yard. He tries to conceal his involvement but his suspicious behavior attracts the attention of Nikki, his neighbor. Nikki informs Amari about a deadly shootout at the tow yard, where a young boy was killed. Despite this tragic news, Amari appears unconcerned, raising further suspicions about his involvement in the incident. The scene ends with Amari lost in thought, leaving the audience wondering about his true role in the tow yard incident.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and suspense
  • Intriguing concept and plot
  • Complex characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character motivations could be clearer in some instances

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introduces intriguing conflicts, and sets up potential character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mechanic with superhuman abilities navigating a dangerous world filled with werewolves and criminal activities is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a mix of personal conflicts, supernatural elements, and criminal activities driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the dialogue and the complexity of the plot add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, with complex relationships and personal conflicts adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Amari experiences internal conflict and growth throughout the scene, setting up potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to hide his involvement in the criminal activities and maintain a facade of normalcy. This reflects his fear of being caught and his desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 7.5

Amari's external goal is to evade the police and avoid being implicated in the crime. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the tension and suspense forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Amari facing multiple obstacles and challenges that threaten his safety and freedom. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with the protagonist facing danger, personal conflicts, and supernatural threats that will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, relationships, and mysteries that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the evolving dynamics between them. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral compasses and their willingness to engage in criminal activities. Amari's actions and Nikki's reactions highlight this conflict, challenging their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to concern and conflict, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, conflict, and emotion, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense emotions, and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling. The dialogue is formatted correctly, adding to the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, building tension and suspense through the characters' actions and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a jarring cut, abruptly transitioning from the previous scene's action to Amari running through the city. This jump in time and setting leaves the audience feeling disoriented and lacking context.
  • The scene's opening with the homeless man feels unnecessary and does not contribute much to the overall narrative. It serves more as a visual element than a meaningful character interaction.
  • The 'CUT TO:' transitions are overly frequent and create a choppy rhythm. The constant cuts make it difficult for the audience to become fully immersed in the scene and lose the flow of the story.
  • The scene suffers from a lack of visual description. While the setting is mentioned, the dialogue lacks depth and fails to provide a clear picture of the environment and the characters' actions.
  • The scene's dialogue feels stilted and uninspired. The characters speak in a generic and unemotional way, lacking the natural flow and nuances of real conversations.
  • The tension between Amari and Nikki is not fully developed. While Nikki expresses concern, Amari's response feels unconvincing and his lack of concern for the tragedy seems out of character.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness. There is no resolution to the conflict between Amari and Nikki, and the ending feels like a missed opportunity for character development and emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Introduce the scene with a smooth transition from the previous scene. Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that bridges the gap in time and setting.
  • Remove the opening scene with the homeless man. It doesn't add anything significant to the story and distracts from the main characters' development.
  • Reduce the number of 'CUT TO:' transitions. Instead, use descriptive language and action beats to seamlessly connect the different locations and moments within the scene.
  • Incorporate more visual description and sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Describe the city's atmosphere, the apartment building's appearance, and the characters' physical expressions.
  • Enhance the dialogue by adding more natural flow and nuances. Explore the characters' emotions and motivations through their words. Provide more backstory and context to Amari's actions and reactions.
  • Develop the tension between Amari and Nikki more fully. Explore their feelings and motivations behind their words. Consider adding a scene where Nikki confronts Amari about his behavior and his lack of concern for the tragedy.
  • End the scene with a stronger sense of closure. Provide a resolution to the conflict between Amari and Nikki, or leave the audience with a lingering question that sets up future conflict.



Scene 15 -  Catalytic Converter Murder
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING PARKING LOT - DAY
Thompson investigates the gruesome crime scene, surrounded by
the little boy's grieving family and a crowd of concerned
residents. A NEWS CREW arrives, setting up their equipment to
report on the double murder.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
(Reporting)
We are at the scene of a double
murder, where police are trying to
piece together the details of this
horrifying crime.
Thompson is escorting a little boy and his mom under the
crime tape.
NEWS REPORTER
Detective! Are these murders
related to the park murders?
THOMPSON
We have no indication the two are
related --
NEWS REPORTER
-- Is there a serial killer loose
in Houston?
THOMPSON
(to the crowd)
No, we do not have serial killers
on the loose.
(MORE)
35.
THOMPSON (CONT'D)
We are asking if anyone saw
anything or knows anything about
the crime to contact us at hpd.com
or the hotline number.
The residents exchange glances, hesitant to speak up. A
shaken Amari and Nikki walk up and join the crowd. Amari’s
emotions run high as he watches the coroner check under the
white sheet covering the little boy.
NEWS REPORTER
Do you know the names of the
victims?
THOMPSON
We will notify the family once we
have confirmation.
Thompson pauses as he notices Amari in the background. In
sight of everyone, the coroner lifts the arm of Bob's hand,
holding onto the catalytic converter as it slides into a
plastic bag.
RESIDENT 1
I guess they finally caught these
two.
RESIDENT 2
They got me last week. That's what
the fuck they get.
Amari watches as the man in sunglasses eats a candy sucker,
smiles, and climbs inside a dark-tinted car.
FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Horror","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Detective Thompson investigates a double murder scene, calming fears of a serial killer while residents grapple with the recent wave of catalytic converter thefts. As the coroner reveals a stolen catalytic converter, Amari and Nikki observe a suspicious man in sunglasses, casting a shadow of doubt on the investigation.
Strengths
  • Strong blend of genres
  • Compelling themes
  • Emotionally impactful moments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and emotionally impactful narrative. The introduction of werewolves adds an intriguing supernatural element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of mixing horror, crime, and drama genres with supernatural elements like werewolves is innovative and engaging. It keeps the audience on edge and intrigued.

Plot: 7

The plot is well-developed, with multiple storylines intertwining to create tension and suspense. The introduction of the werewolf adds a new layer of conflict and danger.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the aftermath of a double murder and the ethical dilemmas faced by law enforcement. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and relatable, each dealing with their own struggles and motivations. The relationships between the characters drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes or revelations in the scene, particularly in their relationships and motivations. The events of the scene challenge their beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Thompson's internal goal is to maintain composure and professionalism in the face of a horrific crime scene and the emotional reactions of the victims' families and residents. This reflects his need to uphold justice and provide closure for the affected individuals.

External Goal: 7

Thompson's external goal is to gather information from the crowd and potentially identify witnesses or suspects related to the double murder. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the crime and ensuring public safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged. The presence of werewolves adds a sense of danger and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, hidden agendas, and potential suspects creating obstacles for the protagonist. The uncertainty surrounding the crime and the residents' reactions add to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The presence of werewolves adds an additional layer of danger and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and revelations. It sets up future events and deepens the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the investigation, the conflicting testimonies of the residents, and the ambiguous motives of the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between seeking justice for the victims and maintaining public trust and safety. Thompson's actions and dialogue reflect the ethical dilemma of balancing transparency with protecting sensitive information.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of grief, fear, and confusion, particularly with the tragic death of the young boy and the presence of supernatural creatures. The relationships between the characters add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is realistic and serves to develop the characters and advance the plot. It effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts within the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, emotional intensity, and intriguing plot developments. The interactions between characters and the unfolding mystery captivate the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and plot revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It enhances the readability and visual impact of the screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure that builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax with the discovery of new evidence. The formatting adheres to industry standards for a crime thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts a bit slow and repetitive. The news reporter's questions and Thompson's answers about a serial killer feel unnecessary. It's already implied that the murders are connected to previous events and don't need to be explicitly stated.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It's trying to do too much at once: introduce the crime scene, establish the tension surrounding the murders, and show Amari's reaction. It feels disjointed and lacks a central point.
  • Amari's reaction feels underdeveloped. We know he's been through a lot, but we don't see him reacting to the news of the murder, besides a vague mention of 'emotions run high.' Show, don't tell, his feelings through action or dialogue.
  • The line 'I guess they finally caught these two' is confusing. Who are 'these two'? The audience needs to understand the context of the statement. The scene doesn't sufficiently explain the residents' resentment or the crimes that have occurred.
  • The scene ends abruptly and lacks a strong resolution. The man in sunglasses is introduced with no clear purpose. Who is he? What is his connection to Amari? The scene needs a stronger ending that provides closure and sets up the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Cut out the news report and focus on Thompson's investigation, letting the residents' anxieties about a possible serial killer emerge organically from their dialogue and behavior. This can build suspense without being too expository.
  • Concentrate on Amari's reaction. Show us how he feels about the murder by focusing on his internal thoughts, body language, or even a brief exchange with Nikki. This will make him a more active participant in the scene and provide more emotional depth.
  • Clarify the context of the stolen catalytic converters. Briefly explain earlier events or have characters mention it in passing to provide context for the residents' statements. This will make the scene more understandable for the audience.
  • Give the man in sunglasses a purpose. Show him interacting with someone, or have him do something that reveals his intentions or connection to the story. This will raise the stakes and create a sense of intrigue for the next scene.



Scene 16 -  The Pit Bull's Shadow
INT. CORONER'S OFFICE - DAY
The CORONER, (60s) with a scientific demeanor, points to the
gruesome bite and rip marks on the autopsy table.
CORONER
Detective, these bite and rip marks
are consistent with the teeth of a
large canine, most likely a dog or
a bear. The force and pattern of
the injuries indicate a vicious
attack.
The door swings open, revealing a stunning woman, DETECTIVE
CHELL REEVES (30s).
36.

She stands tall, dark-haired, confident, with a large belt
buckle and cowboy boots. Accompanying her is the CHIEF OF
POLICE, a hardened, thin woman in her 50s.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Thompson, I'd like you to meet
Detective Chell Reeves from
Arizona. She has a background in
veterinary education and
specializes in animal attacks.
THOMPSON
(whispering to the Chief)
This is my case. The community
respects me.
Reeves offers a reassuring smile.
REEVES
(confidently)
I have closed five mauling cases,
two within 36 hours, and even
tracked down the culprit
responsible for three deaths caused
by a drug induced bear. I'm
confident I can assist in this
investigation.
The Chief nods in agreement, acknowledging Reeves' impressive
track record.
CHIEF OF POLICE
(grinning)
She's perfect for the case,
Thompson. Work closely with her and
utilize her expertise.
REEVES
So, do you have any leads,
Detective?
CUT TO:

EXT. LEO’S HOUSE - DAY
Amari arrives at the house, where grieving family members
stand around mourning. He nervously walks up to Sid and two
of his goons coming out of the house.
TONY
(whispering)
The alley mechanic. Amari.
37.

SID
I know him, June’s boy. His dad was
cold with a screwdriver, he could
tilt a ride in under 5 seconds,
before he offed himself.
Sid holds the leash of his large dog named Sable, a muscular
breed with gray and black fur, her face and paws covered with
scars.
Sable squats backward, pulling back on the chain; Sid hands
it off to a goon.
AMARI
Sorry about Leo.
Sid hugs Amari tight.
SID
You good?
AMARI
Yeah.
SID
Come by the bar later.
AMARI
Okay, I will.
Sable watches Amari closely, growling.
CUT TO:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Amari sits in the funeral home, surrounded by Leo’s family.
Reid and Grein sit next to him.
REID
(whispering)
I heard his body is being held
together by ropes.
GREIN
Had to be a pit.
REID
Oh, yeah. Someone broke into the
garage and trashed it. We believe
it was Ghost-Pop --
38.

GREIN
-- We got it, though. Nothing was
missing.
REID
Only a pit could do that type of
damage.
Amari’s attention is abruptly snatched away. He turns around
and locks eyes with the YOUNG MAN in sunglasses, smiling at
him.
Amari quickly looks away, Leo’s Mother screams, the casket is
closed. He turns back, but the young man is gone.
CUT TO:

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Outside, his senses on high alert. He looks around, feeling
the presence of Leo's family behind him, but his focus
remains on the man who disappeared.
The family starts to come out of the funeral, their grief is
evident.
CUT TO:

INT. URBAN CLUB - NIGHT
The club is alive with music and partygoers enjoying
themselves.
Amari makes his way through the crowd, charmingly greeting
the bartender and playfully blowing a kiss to the scantily
dressed barmaid.
BARMAID
Hey, Amari.
He reaches the back of the club, where a large bouncer
extends his hand for a shake.
Amari obliges before entering an office. Sid sits on the edge
of his large desk, and another BODYGUARD/HITMAN BOONE (40s)
occupies a chair in the corner.
Sid greets Amari with a firm hug.
SID
Damn Sickle cell wants my sanity.
39.

AMARI
I can come back.
SID
No. No. We’re good How was the
funeral? Regretfully, I couldn't
make it, had a prior business
meeting. My sister understands.
Amari nods.
AMARI
It's been tough. But we get through
it.
SID
I’ve always seen myself as kind of
a father to you youngsters.
Amari eyes look off toward Boone.
SID (CONT'D)
I was kind of pushed into the role,
you know?
Sid motions for Amari to walk with him and opens a secret
door, leading them into a loud room filled with women and men
playing cards, and throwing dice.
SID (CONT'D)
So, tell me, what happened that
night? You woke up in the hospital,
right?
Amari struggles to recall.
AMARI
Honestly, Sid, I can't remember
much. I don't know how I got there.
Sid pretends to believe him, while leading him to an adjacent
building. His fragile body is more evident in his struggle to
stay ahead. They enter a large, padded room where a brutal
dogfight is taking place.
Men and women excitedly bet and cheer on the dogs. Sid,
Amari, and Boone walk past the ring, observing Sable locked
in a ferocious battle with a Cane Corso.
SID
Shit, that fool already lost. Sable
is undefeated in 25 matches.
40.

AMARI
How long have you had her?
SID
Since she was a pup. Trained and
fed her myself. Yeah, that's the
only unconditional love for a man.
Through the window the fantastic night sky reveals the
emergence of the supermoon from behind the clouds. A dark-
tinted car pulls up and parks just across from a group of
people standing outside the bar.
Boone forcefully slams Amari into a row of lockers. Sid's
tone turns serious.
SID (CONT'D)
Tell me, Amari. How did you get
away when the others, including my
nephew, didn't?
Terrified, Amari stammers. Sid slashes his face with the gold
handle of his cane, blood gushes from Amari’s cheeks.
AMARI
(scared)
I swear, Sid, I don’t know.
Boone, fueled by anger, lifts Amari by his neck, choking him.
Sid intervenes, stopping Boone's violent act. Gasping for
air, Amari manages to speak.
AMARI (CONT'D)
I didn't say anything to the
police.
SID
Who said anything about police?
Sid pats Amari on the back, accepting his answer. He signals
Boone to open a cage, revealing three large, hungry pit
bulls.
AMARI
(pleading)
Please, Sid! I'm telling the truth!
SID
Okay... Okay.
SMASH CUT TO:
41.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Detective Chell Reeves, a specialist in animal attacks, is introduced to the case while Sid, a ruthless crime boss, suspects Amari of knowing more about Leo's death than he admits. Sid takes Amari to a brutal dogfighting ring, where he reveals his ownership of Sable, a vicious fighting dog, and confronts Amari about his previous escape from a dog attack. Despite Amari's pleas of innocence, Sid threatens him with pit bulls but ultimately relents, leaving Amari trapped and uncertain. Throughout the scene, the atmosphere is tense and violent, with the dogfighting ring serving as a backdrop to Sid's menacing presence and Amari's struggle for survival.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Complex characters
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its dark and intense tone. The introduction of new characters and plot elements adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating animal attacks and the underground world of dogfighting adds intrigue and suspense to the scene. The introduction of a mysterious character and the exploration of Amari's past experiences enhance the complexity of the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a focus on the investigation of the murders, the aftermath of Leo's death, and the introduction of new conflicts and mysteries. The scene effectively advances the overall storyline while introducing new elements to keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the protagonist's background in veterinary education, the focus on animal-related crimes, and the presence of a dogfighting ring, adding fresh and original perspectives to the familiar crime genre. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The scene introduces new characters like Detective Reeves and Sid, adding depth to the ensemble cast. Amari's internal struggle and the tension between him and Sid create compelling character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Amari undergoes internal turmoil and faces external challenges, leading to potential character growth and development. The introduction of new characters and conflicts sets the stage for further character evolution.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove their expertise and competence in solving animal-related crimes, showcasing their confidence and track record to gain the trust of the Chief of Police and work on the investigation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather leads and information about a recent mauling case, potentially involving a large canine, and to navigate the complex relationships and dynamics between different characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including Amari's struggle to remember, the investigation of the murders, and the tension between characters. The high stakes and intense conflicts drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between characters, hidden agendas, and potential threats that create suspense and uncertainty about the outcome of the investigation and the protagonist's safety.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the investigation, the conflicts between characters, and the mysterious events unfolding raise the tension and suspense in the scene. The risks and consequences faced by the characters heighten the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, conflicts, and mysteries. The investigation of the murders and the aftermath of Leo's death propel the narrative towards new developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in character interactions, the introduction of new information and leads, and the escalating tension between the protagonist and other characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between justice and loyalty, as the protagonist is torn between following their own investigative instincts and respecting the authority and jurisdiction of the local detective, Thompson.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and grief, creating an emotional impact on the audience. The complex relationships and high stakes add depth to the emotional resonance of the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, mystery, and conflict. The interactions between characters reveal their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing character dynamics, and the introduction of multiple plot threads that keep the audience invested in the unfolding mystery and conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue-driven interactions, descriptive moments, and action sequences that maintain a sense of tension and momentum throughout, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a crime/mystery genre, with clear scene transitions, character introductions, and dialogue-driven interactions that propel the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with the introduction of Detective Reeves, who is portrayed as a confident and capable expert. However, the scene quickly becomes less engaging due to the lack of conflict and a shift in focus to a less interesting plotline involving Amari and Sid.
  • The scene feels rushed as it tries to introduce a new character, Detective Reeves, a new location, the dogfighting ring, and a new plot element of Sid's suspicion of Amari. It lacks a clear focus and purpose.
  • The scene feels clunky due to the frequent cuts between different locations and characters, which disrupts the flow of the story. It would benefit from smoother transitions, possibly with a more unified setting.
  • The dialogue in the scene feels repetitive and uninspired, especially the conversations between Amari and Sid. The scene lacks intrigue and suspense.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and anticlimactic. The introduction of the supermoon and the dark-tinted car feels like a forced attempt to create tension without properly developing the idea.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose and doesn't effectively advance the main storyline. While it introduces a new character and plot point, it feels like a detour rather than a meaningful progression of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Focus the scene on a single conflict or plot point. Either focus on the introduction of Detective Reeves and her role in the investigation or on the escalating tension between Amari and Sid.
  • Simplify the structure of the scene. Consider combining the funeral scenes or removing the cut to the urban club, which doesn't contribute significantly to the story.
  • Enhance the dialogue with more specific details and emotional depth. Explore the characters' motivations and inner conflicts through their words.
  • Create a more visually compelling scene. Use the setting to create atmosphere and highlight the characters' emotions. Consider using close-ups to emphasize the tension between characters or the brutality of the dogfight.
  • Build suspense and intrigue by adding a sense of mystery and uncertainty. What is Sid's true purpose? What is the significance of the supermoon? What is Amari hiding?
  • Tie the scene more closely to the main plot. Make sure the events and actions in this scene have a direct impact on the overall narrative and character development.



Scene 17 -  Werewolf Rampage
EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
MATEO (19) exits his car, his eyes focus up on the moon.
MATEO (YOUNG MAN)
Show time.
CUT BACK TO:

INT. LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The moon light emerges from the clouds through a nearby
window, casting an eerie glow over the scene.
SID
I believe him. Let them bitches
eat.

Sid leaves the room, Boone eagerly loosens the chains,
relishing in Amari’s fear. The dog's inch closer, and Amari
drops to his knees in excruciating pain, a dog bites into his
leg. He screams in agony; his body convulses and twitches.
AMARI
It wasn’t my fault!
The dogs' barking slows, sensing the transformation taking
place.
BOONE
Eat motherfucker, eat!
AMARI
No... No!
Amari’s muscles spasm. His bones stretch and break. Hair
forcefully bursts through his skin, and blood vessels rupture
in his eyes and hands.
BOONE
You got to go out the same way,
kid.
His body tears through his clothing, revealing a fully
transformed, massive werewolf.
The dogs break away from Boone, pile into each other running
to the exit. Fear shimmers in Boone's eyes. Amari, now large
werewolf, prowls before them.
42.

BOONE (CONT'D)
What the fuck.
CUT TO:

EXT. URBAN CLUB - CONTINUOUS
Mateo heads quickly toward the back of the bar, he is
changing on the run into a large brown and black werewolf.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The werewolf rips into the dogs. Boone runs to a dark room
area, pulls out his gun, sending rounds booming toward the
werewolf.
Boone screams, meat and bones are torn from his body. The
werewolf eats into him.
Outside the room, Sid turns in disgust at the gunshots.
SID
I told him to let the dogs have
him.
The dogs slam and claw at the door from the inside. The door
opens, and the dogs run out in fear.
Sid looks on in shock as the giant werewolf emerges from the
darkness. Chaos ensues, and the gamblers begin running for
the exit.
The room is filled with an intense atmosphere. A crowd of
people lines the fighting ring. The cage door swings open,
and terrified dogs bolt past Sid, yelping in fear.
SID (CONT'D)
God-damn it.
Out of the darkness, a towering, menacing werewolf emerges.
Its eyes glow with an otherworldly intensity. Panic spreads
like wildfire through the crowd. People scramble to escape.
Chaos ensues, the frenzied crowd knocks over the tables.
Glass drinks shatter on the floor. They trample over each
other in their desperate attempt to reach the exits.
The werewolf growls ferociously, snapping at anyone who
crosses its path. The casino and bar devolve into a scene of
utter pandemonium.
43.

PANICKED PARTYGOERS scream for help, their faces filled with
terror. A desperate man's voice calls out for a weapon,
drowned out by the cacophony of screams and crashing objects.
BARMAID
Wolf!
PARTYGOER MALE
They're fighting wolves back there.
My money is on the Bully.
The rear door of the bar flings open, and a flood of people
pour out into the night, gasping for breath and shaking with
adrenaline.
Partygoer's escape to safety, the werewolf emerges from the
darkness of the alley, his massive frame commanding the room.
The werewolf enters the fighting area, he is circling the
rink, eyeing the Amari-werewolf on the other side.
PARTYGOER MALE (CONT'D)
Someone shoot it!
An intense standoff unfolds. They cautiously approach each
other, their powerful bodies ready to strike. They sniff the
air.
The werewolves lock eyes, their primal instincts pulsating
through the air. the werewolves bolt towards the rear door.
They vanish into the night, leaving behind a scene of
devastation and the stunned survivors who watch in disbelief.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Amari, chained and tormented by Boone and his dogs, transforms into a werewolf and fights back, killing his attackers. Meanwhile, Mateo also transforms outside. Both werewolves wreak havoc in a nearby bar, causing chaos and destruction as terrified patrons flee for safety. The two werewolves eventually escape into the night, leaving behind a scene of devastation.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Effective character reactions
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible excessive violence
  • Lack of character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense action, suspense, and a major turning point in the story. The transformation of the protagonist adds depth to the character and raises the stakes significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a werewolf transformation in a gritty urban setting is executed effectively, adding a supernatural element to the story and showcasing the protagonist's struggle with his newfound abilities.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the protagonist's transformation and the ensuing chaos in the dogfighting ring. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf transformation trope by incorporating it into an underground fighting ring setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the werewolf transformation and the escalating conflict add depth to their personalities and motivations. The scene showcases their fear, desperation, and survival instincts.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant transformation both physically and emotionally, grappling with his new identity as a werewolf and the consequences of his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Mateo's internal goal is to embrace his werewolf nature and survive the chaotic situation unfolding around him. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and acceptance of his true identity.

External Goal: 9

Mateo's external goal is to survive the violent confrontation with the other werewolves and escape the dangerous situation in the bar.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges as he transforms into a werewolf and confronts his enemies.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the werewolves facing off against each other in a tense and dangerous confrontation that keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including the protagonist's transformation, the brutal confrontation in the dogfighting ring, and the chaos that ensues, create a sense of urgency and danger for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a major plot development, setting up future conflicts and challenges for the protagonist. It adds depth to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and chaotic transformation of the characters into werewolves, adding a sense of danger and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of survival of the fittest and the brutal nature of the werewolf transformation. It challenges Mateo's beliefs about his own humanity and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and desperation, drawing the audience into the characters' intense struggle and the chaotic events unfolding.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and fear among the characters during the intense confrontation. It adds to the overall atmosphere of chaos and panic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and action-packed nature, keeping the reader on the edge of their seat as the werewolf confrontation unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, effectively building tension and suspense as the werewolf confrontation unfolds.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and effectively conveying the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the werewolves.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a flashback to Amari delivering food late at night and the customer accusing him of lying. This flashback seems unconnected to the current scene and could be removed.
  • The scene jumps around a lot, transitioning between EXT. BAR, INT. LOCKER ROOM, EXT. URBAN CLUB, INT. LOCKER ROOM again, and finally to INT. BAR. This rapid jumping makes it difficult to follow the action and creates a disjointed feeling.
  • The scene is quite long and could be streamlined. For example, the scene describing the dogs running out of the room and the reaction of the gamblers could be condensed.
  • The description of the werewolf's transformation is repetitive. The scene mentions that his body tears through his clothing twice and describes the werewolf's appearance multiple times.
  • The dialogue is limited and lacks impact. For example, Boone's lines 'Eat motherfucker, eat!' and 'You got to go out the same way, kid.' are cliché and don't offer much insight into the character.
  • The scene doesn't effectively establish the relationship between Amari and Mateo. While we know they are both werewolves, their connection and motivation for being at the bar aren't clear.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness. It would be helpful to see the aftermath of the werewolf's escape and the impact it has on the characters and the story.
  • The scene relies too heavily on visual descriptions, which can be distracting and slow down the pacing. Instead, the writer could use more dialogue and action to convey the story.
Suggestions
  • Remove the flashback to Amari delivering food and the customer accusing him of lying. It doesn't serve a clear purpose in the scene.
  • Streamline the scene transitions and focus on the key action in each location. For example, combine the two INT. LOCKER ROOM scenes into one, focusing on the transformation and the conflict between Amari and Boone.
  • Condense the descriptions of the werewolf's transformation and its physical attributes. Instead of repeating the same details, focus on the impact of the transformation on the characters and the story.
  • Develop the dialogue and give more depth to the characters. For example, explore Boone's motivations for tormenting Amari and his reaction to the werewolf's transformation.
  • Establish a stronger connection between Amari and Mateo. Explore their shared history, their motivations for being at the bar, and their plans for the future.
  • Provide a more definitive ending to the scene. Show the aftermath of the werewolf's escape and its impact on the story.
  • Use a mix of dialogue, action, and visual descriptions to create a more dynamic and engaging scene.



Scene 18 -  The Glowing Eyes
EXT. CHAOTIC PARTY SCENE - NIGHT
Partygoers scatter in panic, their faces etched with fear and
confusion. Emergency lights flash. the air is thick with
sirens and panic.
FIREFIGHTERS and EMERGENCY TECHS work frantically to tend to
the injured partygoers, some of whom are being carried away
on stretchers.
A police officer is speaking with a group of shaken
PARTYGOERS huddled together.
44.

REEVES
(Urgent)
Can anyone describe the dog or it’s
owner? We need as much information
as possible.
PARTYGOER #1
It was huge! It's larger than any
dog I've ever seen. Its eyes...
they were glowing.
PARTYGOER #2
It moved so fast, like a blur. I've
never been so scared in my life.
Thompson has Sid off to the side.
SID
(defensive)
I don't know anything about a dog
ring! This is a legitimate
establishment.
THOMPSON
(sternly)
We have witnesses who saw a
sizeable wolf-like dog.
SID
Wolf? Like some Twilight shit?
There are no wolves in Houston.
Sid hesitates, his eyes darting around the chaotic scene.
Suddenly, the EMERGENCY TECHS carry BOONE'S MAULED BODY past
Thompson, bloodied and lifeless. The Detective's gaze follows
them, his expression grim.
THOMPSON
What do you think?
REEVES
First thought. Maybe a rival gang
rolls through and shoots up the
wake? The second one of the dogs
turned, and it led to panic.
THOMPSON
It's always the easy answer with
these people. Maybe even both.
Amid the chaos, a pack of DOGS races past the scene,
startling Sid. He quickly goes to a nearby SUV and gets
inside, seeking refuge.
45.

Thompson watches Sid retreat, his eyes filled with suspicion.
He knows there's more to this story than Sid is letting on.
THOMPSON (CONT'D)
(muttering to himself)
Wolf...
Thompson turns away, his focus returning to the scene of
chaos as he continues his investigation.
FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Following a chaotic attack at an outdoor party, Detective Thompson investigates the incident. Emergency responders treat injured partygoers while a police officer questions witnesses about a large, glowing-eyed dog that attacked them. The venue owner, Sid, denies any knowledge of the dog or involvement in the attack, but his nervous behavior and hasty retreat raise Thompson's suspicions. As the scene unfolds, the severity of the attack is evident, leaving Thompson determined to uncover the truth.
Strengths
  • Blend of genres
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends genres, creates a sense of urgency, and introduces a supernatural element, adding depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a werewolf attack at a chaotic party scene is unique and engaging, adding a supernatural twist to the investigation.

Plot: 7

The plot is driven by the investigation of the werewolf attack, adding layers of mystery and suspense to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and mysterious element with the mention of a wolf-like dog, adding a supernatural twist to the detective genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall sense of chaos and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are involved in the chaotic events, showing fear, confusion, and suspicion, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience fear, confusion, and suspicion, but there is not significant character development in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the chaotic events at the party and solve the mystery of the wolf-like dog. This reflects his desire for justice and his commitment to his job as a detective.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain order and safety at the party, as well as to identify and apprehend any potential threats or suspects. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the chaotic scene and the challenges the protagonist faces in maintaining control.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high due to the chaotic events, the presence of a werewolf, and the suspicion surrounding the investigation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from the chaotic events at the party, the mysterious wolf-like dog, and the suspicious behavior of the partygoers. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the presence of a werewolf, the chaos at the party, and the suspicion surrounding the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the werewolf element and escalating the conflict and stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the wolf-like dog and the mysterious circumstances surrounding the chaotic events at the party. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in justice and order, contrasted with the chaos and unpredictability of the situation. The mention of a wolf-like dog challenges the protagonist's worldview and forces him to consider supernatural or unexplainable elements in his investigation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and suspense, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is urgent and tense, reflecting the chaotic atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, dramatic dialogue, and mysterious elements that keep the audience guessing. The tension and suspense build throughout the scene, drawing the audience into the investigation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of action, dialogue, and visual descriptions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective in setting the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery or detective genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a chaotic party scene, but the action feels somewhat generic and lacks specific detail. It's a common trope to show emergency responders tending to the injured after a violent event, and it doesn't offer much in the way of unique insight into the characters or the story.
  • The dialogue between Reeves and the partygoers feels expositional and lacks a sense of urgency or suspense. The audience already knows the attack involved a werewolf, so the descriptions of the dog's size and speed are redundant. The dialogue with Sid is also generic and lacks tension, and his denial feels forced.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual description instead of action or dialogue. It's more telling than showing. The focus on Thompson's suspicions regarding Sid feels uninspired and predictable.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. While it establishes the aftermath of the bar attack and introduces Detective Reeves, it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be trimmed or merged with another scene.
  • The scene ends with a fade out, which is a common ending but feels anticlimactic in this context. It lacks a sense of resolution or a hook for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider using this scene to show the immediate impact of the werewolf attack on the community. Instead of simply showing emergency responders, focus on the reactions of the partygoers, their anxieties, and their growing fear of the unknown.
  • Develop the character of Detective Reeves. Show her expertise in animal attacks and create a sense of tension between her and Thompson. Consider having them disagree about the nature of the attack or the potential threat.
  • Increase the suspense by focusing on Sid's reactions and his attempts to conceal his involvement in the werewolf attack. Show him making a hasty retreat or engaging in suspicious behavior that raises Thompson's suspicions.
  • Add a scene-defining moment or a twist that adds to the mystery and intrigue of the story. For example, could a partygoer provide a crucial clue about the werewolf's identity or a piece of evidence found at the scene point to a connection between Sid and the attack?
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger or a lingering question that will draw the audience into the next scene. For example, the scene could end with Thompson making a startling discovery about Sid or with a glimpse of the werewolf lurking in the shadows.



Scene 19 -  Awakening in the Wolf's Den
INT. KESSLER LUXURIOUS HOME BEDROOM - MORNING
Amari jolts awake, his heart pounding in his chest. He finds
himself in a lavish, unfamiliar bedroom. Panic sets in, and
he sits up quickly. The door slowly opens, and Mateo enters
the room.
MATEO
(softly)
Hey, it's alright. You're safe
here.
Amari’s eyes meet Mateo's, filled with fear and confusion.
AMARI
(frantically)
Where am I?
Mateo approaches Amari.
MATEO
(relaxing)
Amari. You had quite a night.
AMARI
Where the fuck am I? I swear if you
mother fuckers are on some Bill
Cosby shit.
MATEO
Okay...
Mateo steadies his breathing, and his eyes turn light animal
brown. Brutal, intense, and painful, Mateo transforms into
his werewolf form.
AMARI
(shocked)
What the fuck!
46.

Mateo turns back, his human body contorting back. Amari
watches with amazement. Mateo pulls a robe from the door
hook.
MATEO
If you want to know more about what
you are? Follow me.
Mateo guides Amari out of the bedroom, leading him through
the expansive and luxurious home. They arrive in the bright
and spacious kitchen, where a large, fit man with a strong
beard cooks breakfast.
Mateo sits at the counter. The man slides a breakfast plate
to Mateo and a second to Amari. Amari reluctantly takes a
seat.
The man turns, it's Kessler.
KESSLER
(gently)
Good morning, Amari. Mateo, what's
rule 2?
MATEO
(annoyed)
He was freaking out! No
transforming inside the house --
Amari’s eyes widen. Memories from the car theft murders flash
through his mind. Kessler's face turns werewolf.
AMARI
(revelation)
-- You.
Mateo nods, confirming Amari’s realization.
KESSLER
(sincerely)
Yes, that was me.
Amari’s uneasiness begins to subside, curiosity replaces it.
AMARI
(whispering)
Werewolf... You were the Wolf. You
killed Leo.
Mateo eats away at the half-cooked bacon in front of him.
MATEO
(nodding)
They shot him first --
47.

-- Kessler darts a sharp look toward Mateo.
KESSLER
I wish things had turned out
differently.
Amari stands at the table, processing the revelations.
AMARI
This is crazy. How?
KESSLER
I'll explain things from the
beginning.
Kessler and Amari walk through the large home. A hallway is
lined with framed photos of Kessler with Presidents, the
British Royal family, and different figures spanning
centuries.
AMARI
How old are you?
KESSLER
A little over 300 years.
AMARI
(curious)
If werewolves exist, what else is
out there? Are vampires real?
Mateo, with a smirk, answers Amari’s question.
MATEO
(chuckles)
We got the Lizard people, Big-foot,
Biters, Royal Guards --
KESSLER
-- My journey started many moons
back.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Fantasy","Action","Mystery"]

Summary Amari wakes up in a lavish bedroom, disoriented and frightened. Mateo reassures him and brings him to a grand kitchen where they encounter Kessler, a werewolf. Kessler, despite his unsettling nature, welcomes Amari and reveals his true identity, responsible for Leo's death. He unveils his lengthy existence spanning over 300 years and promises to explain everything from the start, igniting Amari's curiosity and a desire to unravel this newfound world.
Strengths
  • Revelation of supernatural elements
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character reactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, introducing a major plot twist and expanding the supernatural elements of the story. It keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful and mysterious tone.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of werewolves and other supernatural beings is well-developed and adds depth to the story. The revelation of Kessler's true identity and the history of werewolves create intrigue and set the stage for further exploration of the supernatural world.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of werewolves and the protagonist's realization of the truth behind recent events. It sets up new conflicts and challenges for the characters to face.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf mythos, blending it with elements of mystery and intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Kessler and Mateo, are intriguing and add depth to the supernatural elements of the story. Amari's reactions and revelations drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Amari undergoes a significant change in perception and understanding as he learns about the existence of werewolves and Kessler's true identity. This revelation alters his worldview and sets him on a new path.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to understand his own identity and the truth about the supernatural world he has been thrust into. This reflects his deeper need for belonging and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to navigate the unfamiliar and potentially dangerous world he finds himself in, while also uncovering the truth about the murders he witnessed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the protagonist's newfound knowledge of werewolves and the implications of Kessler's identity creates tension and suspense. The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Amari facing challenges both internally and externally, as well as conflicting beliefs and moral dilemmas.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as the protagonist discovers the truth about werewolves and the implications of Kessler's identity. The scene sets up dangerous and challenging situations for the characters to navigate.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key supernatural elements, expanding the world of the story, and setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters to face. It propels the narrative in an exciting direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden character transformations, shocking revelations, and mysterious elements that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the human and supernatural worlds, as well as the moral implications of being a werewolf and the choices that come with it. This challenges Amari's beliefs about good and evil, as well as his understanding of his own identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, confusion, curiosity, and shock in the protagonist and the audience. The emotional impact of the revelation of werewolves and the protagonist's reaction adds depth to the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information about werewolves and setting the tone of the scene. It reveals key details about the characters and their history.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, suspense, and supernatural elements, as well as the intense character interactions and revelations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of character reflection and revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character actions described effectively.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a supernatural mystery genre, with a gradual reveal of information and character interactions driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Amari waking up in a new location, which creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, but it also introduces a significant plot twist that needs to be handled more organically.
  • The initial dialogue between Amari and Mateo feels rushed and lacks the necessary build-up to create tension or suspense. Amari's immediate fear and suspicion feel out of place considering the circumstances. It's more believable if he's initially confused and curious.
  • The transformation sequence is somewhat abrupt and feels like a mere explanation of werewolf abilities rather than a character moment. The writer can explore Mateo's transformation more subtly, allowing the audience to experience the shift alongside Amari.
  • The revelation of Kessler's identity as the werewolf is delivered too quickly and lacks the emotional impact it deserves. The writer should consider building up the suspense surrounding Kessler's identity before the reveal.
  • The scene shifts from Amari's shock and confusion to an overly casual conversation about werewolves, which breaks the tension. It feels rushed, and the writer should allow Amari to process his emotions and reactions to the revelation before the casual discussion begins.
  • The scene's pacing needs improvement. The dialogue feels disjointed, and the quick transition between the reveal and the casual conversation about the existence of other supernatural beings creates a jarring shift in tone.
  • The dialogue lacks depth and subtlety. The characters' emotions and motivations are not fully explored. For example, Amari's skepticism and curiosity could be expressed more organically through dialogue.
  • The flashback of the car theft murders is awkwardly inserted into the scene. The writer should find a more natural way to bring up these memories, perhaps through a scene where Amari is alone reflecting on his experiences.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. The transition from the revelation of Kessler's identity to his explanation of his journey is too fast. The writer should consider a more gradual transition to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Amari waking up, confused and disoriented. He can explore the room, noticing the lavish décor, and reflecting on how he ended up there. This will create an atmosphere of mystery and suspense.
  • Introduce Mateo more organically. He can be a part of Amari's waking up scene, perhaps monitoring his condition or checking up on him after a night of intense action. This will help establish their dynamic.
  • Develop the transformation sequence more gradually. The writer can depict Mateo’s transformation slowly, focusing on the subtle changes in his features and the palpable energy shifts. This will create a more impactful and unsettling scene.
  • Create a gradual build-up to Kessler's revelation. The writer can use foreshadowing and subtle hints throughout the previous scenes, building a sense of anticipation and suspicion regarding Kessler's true nature.
  • Allow Amari to process the information about Kessler's identity more deeply. Show his confusion, fear, anger, and curiosity. This will create a more engaging and realistic character arc.
  • Consider adding internal monologues or flashbacks to explore Amari's emotional journey. This will give the audience a deeper understanding of his thoughts and reactions.
  • Rework the dialogue to be more natural and engaging. The writer can use subtext and silences to convey emotions and create tension.
  • Replace the awkward flashback with a more organic scene. The writer can create a scene where Amari is alone, reflecting on the car theft murders and struggling to come to terms with his experiences. This will allow for more emotional depth.
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a question. This will leave the audience eager to see what happens next. The writer could end the scene with Kessler revealing a piece of information about his past or a mysterious clue about Amari's future.



Scene 20 -  The Curse of the Werewolf
INT. FLASHBACK LATE 1700S LONDON PRISON - DAY
Inside a damp, dimly lit London prison, terrified INMATES
scream for the guard. The haunting werewolf howls echo from
the basement.
48.

KESSLER (V.O.)
(narrating)
The strength of a werewolf is
unmatched. A creature of immense
power and speed. Its existence is
shrouded in mystery and fear.
INMATE #1
(panicked)
Help! It's got me! Someone, do
something!
INMATE #2
(screaming)
We're all going to die! It's a
cursed beast!
After the chaos dies, one prisoner is unharmed, causing
whispers of the curse and a werewolf to ripple through the
inmates.
INMATE #1
(laughing)
The wolf has marked you!
KESSLER (V.O.)
(narrating)
My maker's name was Bazel.
BAZEL (60s), desperate not to kill again, pleads with the
other inmates.
BAZEL
(desperate)
Blind me! Please! If I can't see, I
won't be a threat to any of you!
Four inmates hold the Bazel down, another inmate thrusts a
makeshift blade into his eyes, removing his eyeballs.
Bazel is released due to his blindness, leaving the prisoners
standing in silence.
CUT TO:

EXT. FLASHBACK BARCELONA SMALL TOWN - DAY
KESSLER (V.O.)
(narrating)
Our aging is slowed. Our limbs and
eyes can grow back, as in the case
of Bazel.
(MORE)
49.
KESSLER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We can only be killed by silver in
the heart or decapitation.
Homeless and alone, the Bazel visits a small restaurant,
begging for raw food to satisfy his primal hunger.
The OWNER, (40s) a crude, large woman, storms in.
OWNER
(angry)
You reek! We don't serve your kind
here!
She grabs Bazel by the arm, escorting him out the tavern.
The Owner turns her attention to a YOUNG KESSLER, (18)
berating him for allowing the beggar inside.
OWNER (CONT'D)
(scolding)
You useless boy! Go tend to the
shed now!
The woman forces Kessler into the back room.
OWNER (CONT'D)
(slyly)
Your mother is due. You know what I
want, to stop it.
The Owner leads Kessler into the rear of the storage room,
pulls down his pants, smiles, turns, and bends herself over a
barrel. Kessler approaches her slowly, his face in disgust.
Outside the window a pair of yellow eyes, follow the pair.
Before Kessler can proceed, a giant werewolf walks into the
barn from behind.
KESSLER (V.O.)
(narrating)
Our speed is unmatched, allowing us
to strike with lightning-fast
precision.
The werewolf swipes Kessler back, knocking him into a pile of
barrels. He slowly stalks the woman. She screams in terror.
The werewolf begins to tear her body to shreds.
Men from the tavern rush in, stabbing the wolf with
pitchforks and machetes; one large man cuts the wolf's head
off with an axe.
50.

The men look over the werewolf’s body as it changes back into
the old man. Their eyes peel in fear as Kessler climbs out of
the pile of rubble.
Kessler survives but is now cursed with the same affliction.
That night, his mother sneaks him out of the tavern; in pain
from his wounds, Kessler is stowed away aboard a boat to
America.
CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a flashback to a London prison in the late 1700s, where a werewolf terrorizes inmates. One prisoner is attacked but remains unharmed, leading to whispers of a curse. Fearing his own transformations, the unattacked prisoner, Bazel, begs to be blinded. Inmates comply, blinding him with a makeshift blade. The scene shifts to Barcelona where a blind and homeless Bazel begs for food, but is rejected. The restaurant owner, angered by a young boy, Kessler, for allowing Bazel in, assaults him. A werewolf bursts in, killing the owner and attacking Kessler. Men from the tavern intervene, killing the werewolf but Kessler is cursed with the same affliction. His mother sneaks him out and sends him to America by boat, where he begins his new life as a werewolf.
Strengths
  • Effective world-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more engaging
  • Some pacing issues in the historical flashback

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces the werewolf mythology, creates a sense of mystery and tension, and sets up intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of werewolves and their curse is well-developed and adds depth to the story. The historical flashback provides context and sets up the supernatural elements effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the revelation of Kessler's backstory and the introduction of the werewolf curse. The scene sets up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the werewolf curse, the protagonist's internal conflict, and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Kessler and Bazel are intriguing and add depth to the supernatural elements. The scene hints at complex relationships and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The introduction of the werewolf curse leads to potential character development and changes, especially for Kessler.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to avoid causing harm to others due to his curse as a werewolf. This reflects his deeper desire for redemption and control over his affliction.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and escape the prison without causing harm to others. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict introduced with the werewolf curse and the potential dangers it poses to the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test his morality and survival instincts.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the introduction of the werewolf curse and the potential dangers it poses to the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key supernatural elements, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the mystery surrounding the werewolf curse.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and supernatural elements that challenge the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of redemption, sacrifice, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his own nature and the impact of his choices on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, grief, and curiosity, creating an emotional connection with the characters and their supernatural predicament.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of exposition and setting up the supernatural elements. It could be more engaging and dynamic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense atmosphere, suspenseful narration, and dramatic events that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a clear emotional impact. While it establishes the history of the werewolf curse, it does so in a way that feels more like an info dump than a compelling narrative.
  • The voiceover narration by Kessler is somewhat clunky and repetitive, reiterating information that is already visually evident. It would be more engaging if the narration focused on Kessler's internal thoughts and feelings, adding emotional depth to the story.
  • The scene struggles to balance exposition with character development. The focus on the werewolf's abilities and the origins of the curse leaves little room for exploring Kessler's character arc and emotional journey.
  • The violence depicted is somewhat generic and lacks a visceral impact. The scene would benefit from more specific and nuanced descriptions of the werewolf's attacks, creating a greater sense of horror and brutality.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear sense of closure. The focus on Kessler's escape to America leaves the audience with questions about his subsequent journey and how he eventually came to be in the present-day story.
  • The scene lacks a sense of visual dynamism. The descriptions of the prison and the small town feel static and lack the sensory details that would bring the setting to life.
  • The dialogue feels stilted and lacks naturalism. The lines delivered by the characters feel more like exposition than genuine conversation.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The transition between the prison and the small town feels jarring and lacks a smooth flow.
Suggestions
  • Focus on building the emotional impact of the scene. Consider exploring Kessler's inner turmoil as he struggles with his newfound curse and the consequences of his actions. How does he feel about losing his sight? How does he reconcile his primal nature with his desire to protect others?
  • Refine the voiceover narration. Instead of simply stating facts, use the narration to reveal Kessler's inner thoughts and feelings, his hopes and fears. This will add emotional depth to the scene and create a more intimate connection between the audience and the character.
  • Develop the character of Bazel beyond his role as a tragic figure. Show his internal struggles, his moments of vulnerability, and his desire to find redemption for his past actions. Explore his relationship with Kessler, perhaps revealing a mentor-mentee dynamic.
  • Elevate the descriptions of the violence. Instead of focusing on generic attacks, provide vivid and visceral details about the werewolf's strength, speed, and savagery. This will create a more powerful and memorable visual experience for the audience.
  • Create a stronger sense of closure for the scene. Instead of simply ending on Kessler's escape, consider showing his arrival in America, his initial experiences, and his determination to control his curse.
  • Add more sensory details to the scene's descriptions. Use evocative language to bring the prison, the small town, and the werewolf's presence to life. Make the audience feel the dampness of the prison, the aroma of the tavern, and the stench of the werewolf's breath.
  • Refine the dialogue to create a more natural and believable flow. Avoid using lines that feel like exposition and instead focus on delivering dialogue that reveals character, drives the plot, and creates conflict.
  • Consider using a montage to transition between the prison and the small town. This will create a smoother and more dynamic flow, highlighting Kessler's journey and the passage of time.



Scene 21 -  The Hyper Metabolism Revelation and a Grandmother's Protection
INT. PRESENT KESSLER'S HOME CHANGE ROOM - DAY
Amari sits in awe, struggling to comprehend the astonishing
tale that Kessler has just revealed.
AMARI
(astonished)
I pay the rent at my grandmother’s
as well. (Beat) What happened to
you, Mateo?
MATEO
Hey! I'm a rescue --
KESSLER
-- We have a hyper metabolism.
You'll need to control your
feeding, as your appetite will
change.
AMARI
(in disbelief)
Shit! I ate Boone.
MATEO
Yeah, you did.
AMARI
(nervously)
What are Royal Guards?
MATEO
Shapeshifters.
CUT TO:

INT. AMARI’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY
A knock at the door.
51.

Mrs. Andrews makes her way to the door, leaning on her cane
for support.
Over Reeves shoulder, Mrs. Andrews sees Thompson comforting
the grieving Grandmother of the murdered little boy across
the parking lot. A look of empathy crosses her face.
MRS. ANDREWS
How can I help you?
REEVES
We're asking if anyone has seen
anything last night that may help
us locate the person or persons
responsible for that baby's death.
MRS. ANDREWS
We don't know anything.
REEVES
What about your boys?
MRS. ANDREWS
No, Javier was in bed because he
had school the next day.
REEVES
I believe I met him. What about
your other son?
MRS. ANDREWS
What?
REEVES
Your other grandson, you told me
that the younger one was asleep for
school. So, the other is out of
school but living with you.
Mrs. Andrews hesitates, her eyes filled with worry.
MRS. ANDREWS
(weary)
He's not home right now.
REEVES
(curious)
Do you know where he is?
MRS. ANDREWS
(uncertain)
He'll be home when he's ready.
52.

REEVES
What's his age and name?
MRS. ANDREWS
Amari, 20.
REEVES
(persistent)
That's not a boy, he's a man. Is he
involved in any gang activity?
Before Mrs. Andrews can answer, Thompson calls for Reeves to
join him at the car.
THOMPSON
Reeves!
Mrs. Andrews closes the door as Reeves turns her head.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Amari discovers she has a hyper metabolism, a condition that requires careful control of her appetite. This revelation leads to the unsettling realization that she consumed Boone after learning about her affliction. Meanwhile, police officers Reeves and Thompson visit Amari's apartment, suspecting her involvement in gang activity. Amari's grandmother, Mrs. Andrews, skillfully deflects their questions to shield Amari from their suspicions.
Strengths
  • Revealing backstory of Kessler
  • Introduction of Detective Reeves
  • Building tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Transition between scenes could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the revelation of Kessler's backstory and the introduction of Detective Reeves. The dark and intense tone keeps the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of werewolves, curses, and a series of brutal murders adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The introduction of Detective Reeves and her investigation expands the narrative and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Kessler's backstory and the introduction of Detective Reeves. The scene sets up new conflicts and mysteries that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like shapeshifters and characters with hyper metabolisms, adding a fresh twist to familiar themes of self-discovery and acceptance. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Kessler and Detective Reeves, are intriguing and add depth to the scene. Their interactions and revelations contribute to the overall tension and mystery.

Character Changes: 6

Kessler's revelation about his curse and backstory leads to a significant character change, deepening his complexity and adding layers to his personality.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to understand the truth about his own abilities and the world he is now a part of. This reflects his deeper need for self-discovery and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to navigate the new challenges and responsibilities that come with his newfound abilities, such as controlling his feeding and understanding the concept of Royal Guards.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal (Kessler's curse) and external (Detective Reeves' investigation). The high stakes and intense confrontations drive the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that add complexity to the narrative and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of curses, brutal murders, and supernatural elements raise the tension and suspense of the scene. The characters are faced with dangerous situations and unknown threats, increasing the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new conflicts, mysteries, and characters. It sets up future events and keeps the audience invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about Amari's abilities and the introduction of shapeshifters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of identity and acceptance. Amari is struggling to come to terms with his new reality and the implications it has on his sense of self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and curiosity in the audience, creating an emotional impact that enhances the suspense and mystery of the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and mystery of the scene. The conversations between characters reveal important information and set up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the blend of supernatural elements, emotional character interactions, and the mystery surrounding Amari's abilities and the world he is now a part of.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about the characters and the world they inhabit.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between different locations and characters to advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks the emotional weight it could have. While the information about the hyper metabolism and the Royal Guards is important, the scene feels more like a checklist of exposition points than a natural conversation.
  • The reveal about Amari eating Boone feels awkward. It's a significant detail, but the way it's presented lacks impact. It also feels out of place in this scene.
  • The transition to Amari's apartment and the arrival of Reeves and Thompson feels abrupt. It lacks a clear sense of connection to the previous scene, making the scene feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Reeves and Mrs. Andrews feels stilted and predictable. There is no real tension or suspense, and the audience already knows that Amari is the werewolf, so the questioning feels redundant.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It doesn't drive the plot forward or build tension. It feels like a placeholder to deliver information about the Royal Guards and Amari's werewolf transformation.
  • The scene misses an opportunity to explore the emotional impact of the events that have just occurred. Amari's reaction to learning about the Royal Guards and his own transformation is muted. This could be an opportunity for dramatic tension, inner conflict, and even a sense of relief at finally having an explanation for his abilities.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. We don't see the reaction of Reeves or Thompson to Mrs. Andrews' vague answers, nor do we see Amari's reaction to the police presence at his home. The audience is left wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Expand the conversation in the change room. Explore Amari's emotional state after hearing Kessler's story. Show his struggle to accept his own powers and his responsibility for killing Boone. This could lead to a more dramatic and engaging scene.
  • Consider a more subtle way to reveal that Amari ate Boone. Perhaps a flashback or a more internalized reaction would have more impact. This information can be worked in organically later in the story.
  • Create a smoother transition between the scenes. Perhaps have Amari leave Kessler's home and walk to his apartment, showing the change in his environment and the anticipation of a potential confrontation. This could provide a sense of tension and build anticipation.
  • Elevate the dialogue between Reeves and Mrs. Andrews. Instead of focusing on direct questions, explore Mrs. Andrews' anxieties about the police investigation and her worries for Amari. This could introduce a sense of suspense and create a more interesting dynamic.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. Either make it a pivotal moment in the plot, or use it to develop a character's arc. For example, show Amari grappling with his newfound powers, or have Mrs. Andrews worry about her grandson's safety. This will make the scene more impactful.
  • Explore the consequences of the revelation about the Royal Guards. What does Amari think about his future now? How does he feel about the potential of his werewolf abilities? This would create a more compelling and engaging scene.
  • Consider a stronger ending. Perhaps have Reeves and Thompson share a knowing glance, hinting at their suspicion of Amari. Or, have Amari overhear their conversation from inside his apartment, adding to the tension and anticipation. This would give the audience a sense of closure.



Scene 22 -  Amari's Struggle and Family's Worry
INT/EXT. KESSLER’S HOME - NIGHT
AMARI
How do I control it?
MATEO
Lots of practice.
KESSLER
You should stay here until you've
learned to control your turn.
AMARI
I can't stay, my brother and
grandmother depend on me.
MATEO
Depend on you, not to eat them.
KESSLER
I highly advise you stay at least
for the next three days, allow
Mateo to work with you. Learn to
control your hunger.
AMARI
I should call.
Mateo hands Amari a phone.
CUT TO:
53.

INT. ANDREW’S HOME LIVING ROOM - DAY
MRS. ANDREWS
Amari, where are you? I've been
calling you. Nikki is out looking
for you.
AMARI V.O.
I'm sorry grandma. I was asked to
accompany a car expo for a couple
of days. I will be back in a day or
so.
MRS. ANDREWS
Your brother spent the night
waiting by the door.
AMARI V.O.
I will call Nikki, ask her to help.
I have to go; tell Javier I love
him, and I'll be back home soon.
Mrs. Andrew takes a seat at the kitchen table, softly ending
the call. Javier walks into the kitchen.
JAVIER
Was that Amari?
Javier turns back to Mrs. Andrew.
CUT TO:
TRAINING AROUND HOUSTON - MONTANGE
PRE-LAP: MILLION DOLLAR BABY VHS TOMMY RICHMAN
Amari and Mateo sit across from each other on floor mats.
Mateo transforms into a werewolf, Amari sweating through his
shirt, unable to change on command.
SMASH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Fantasy","Action","Drama"]

Summary Amari, training to control her werewolf transformation at Kessler's home, assures her worried grandmother she's at a car expo. Meanwhile, her brother Javier and Mrs. Andrews anxiously await her return. A montage depicts Amari's difficult training with Mateo, highlighting her struggle to master her transformation. The scene concludes with a jarring transition to Amari and Mateo continuing their training in a new, unspecified location.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging concept
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Pacing issues
  • Some dialogue could be tightened

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends genres, creates a tense atmosphere, and introduces intriguing plot developments. The emotional impact and character development are strong, but there are some pacing issues that could be improved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves and the struggle to control their powers is engaging and adds depth to the story. The introduction of supernatural elements enhances the overall narrative and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces new challenges and mysteries, advancing the overall story arc. However, there are some elements that feel rushed and could benefit from further development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf genre by focusing on the protagonist's internal struggles and family dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' motivations effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and show growth throughout the scene. Their emotional struggles and internal conflicts add depth to the story and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant growth and transformation in the scene, grappling with his new identity as a werewolf and the responsibilities that come with it. This character development drives the narrative forward and sets up future conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to control his hunger and supernatural abilities in order to protect his family. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and safety, as well as his fear of harming his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal in this scene is to balance his family responsibilities with his supernatural training. He needs to learn to control his abilities while also maintaining his relationships with his brother and grandmother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, creating tension and driving the story forward. The introduction of werewolves and the high stakes involved in controlling their powers heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and goals among the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involved in controlling the protagonist's powers and navigating the dangers of the supernatural world create tension and suspense. The characters face life-threatening situations and must make difficult choices, raising the stakes for the audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, mysteries, and conflicts. The audience gains a deeper understanding of the characters and their motivations, setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the protagonist's internal conflicts. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between personal growth and familial duty. Amari must decide whether to prioritize his own development or his family's needs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is strong, as the characters face internal struggles and external threats. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional journeys and invested in their fates.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. However, there are moments where the pacing feels off, and some exchanges could be more impactful with tighter editing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and fast-paced dialogue. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and emotional depth of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. It's a montage of training, but we don't get a sense of the struggle or the progress Amari is making.
  • The transition from Kessler's home to Mrs. Andrews' house is abrupt. There's no natural flow between the two scenes.
  • The voiceover from Amari feels forced and unnecessary. We know he's at Kessler's home, so his explanation feels like exposition.
  • The scene doesn't show Javier's reaction to the news, and it doesn't develop the relationship between Amari and Javier. We lose the emotional impact of Javier's longing for his father.
  • The montage is too brief and lacks visual interest. We don't see enough of Amari's struggle to control her transformation.
  • The pre-lap with the Million Dollar Baby VHS is an odd choice and doesn't add anything to the scene.
  • The smash cut to black feels abrupt and jarring. It doesn't create a strong visual effect or a sense of transition.
Suggestions
  • Expand the training sequence, showing Amari's frustration and setbacks. We could see her struggling with the physical and emotional challenges of her transformation.
  • Add a more gradual transition between the two scenes. Perhaps have Amari leave Kessler's home and call his grandmother from a payphone or a public place.
  • Remove the voiceover and show Amari's actions and interactions. We can understand his situation through his actions.
  • Show Javier's reaction to Amari's absence. We can see his disappointment and longing for his brother. This will add emotional depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Develop the montage to be more visually engaging and informative. Use different camera angles and shots to show Amari's physical and mental struggles.
  • Remove the pre-lap with the VHS. It's unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the scene.
  • Instead of a smash cut to black, try a visual transition that connects to the next scene. For example, a shot of Javier looking out the window, or a close-up of Mrs. Andrews' worried face.



Scene 23 -  The Vigilante's Shadow
INT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Amari and Mateo wearing his shiesty mask, walk the
neighborhood, they watch elderly woman attempting to get in
her car, when a criminal runs up on her quickly, struggling
for her car keys.
54.

Mateo lunges at the criminal, effortlessly throwing him out
of the car. The criminal scrambles to his feet and runs away
in fear. The elderly woman falls to the ground, unconscious.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KESSLER'S TRAINING AREA - DAY
Mateo and Amari bench press over 400 pounds of weight,
curling barbells.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A ROBBER (20s) brandishes a gun, demanding money from the
frightened cashier. Amari burst into the store.
The robber hesitates, stunned by their presence. Amari, moves
swiftly, but the gun goes off, blowing out the beverage
bottles in the store. Amari disarms the robber and knocks him
out cold, smiling toward Mateo.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KESSLER'S TRAINING AREA - NIGHT
Amari sits across from Mateo; his eyes flash open bright
yellow. His body contorts on command, turning into a
werewolf. Mateo nods with approval.
They race each other on the treadmill, until smoke billows
from the track.
SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - AFTERNOON
A group of YOUNG KIDS (8-12) play innocently in their yard
when a car speeds by, opening fire in a drive-by shooting.
Amari, alert and protective, leaps in front of the children.
Amari and Mateo shield the kids, his body taking the brunt of
the bullets.
CUT TO:
55.

INT. TRAP HOUSE - NIGHT
Three drug addicts nod off on the floor and sofa. Amari moves
quickly to the stairs.
Loud music covers the wood rotten staircase. At the top of
the stairs a man turns the corner. Amari and the man stare at
each other.
The man attempts to pull his gun. In a flash Amari slams the
man into the wall. Two young men, run out from the adjacent
room with their weapons drawn.
The lights go out, Reid beams from the gun sights sweep the
room. Amari growls, his eyes pop open, glowing brown, his
canines show as his face elongates to the snout of a
werewolf. The beams glow over his face.
DRUG DEALER
Shit!
The room erupts in gunfire. Amari explodes around the room
ripping into the men. The guns fall to the floor, the beam
highlighting the dead man's face.
Amari flicks on the lights in one of the rooms. On a table
are bundles of money. Amari snatches a blue backpack from the
floor.
CUT TO:

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - LATER
The police and a local new crew are on the scene of the
attempted robbery. A female REPORTER (20s) interviews the
hostile store OWNER (50s).
FEMALE REPOTER
The owner of the convenience store
has some choice words for the man
who destroyed his store.
STORE OWNER
This is ridiculous, who's going to
pay for the damages. The robbers
normally just take a couple hundred
and leave. Now this vigilante
interferes and destroys my store.
FEMALE REPOTER
Police say the same masked man,
knocked a woman unconscious during
an attempted carjacking.
(MORE)
56.
FEMALE REPOTER (CONT'D)
Authorities are uncertain why who
the mask man is and what his motive
is. A triple homicide on the east
side had authorities searching for
answers and another mother left
with questions.
SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. TRAP HOUSE - NIGHT
The mourning of a mother's tortured heart cascades through
the neighborhood.
DRUG DEALER MOTHER
They killed my baby.
CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSTON PARK - DAY
Detectives Thompson and Reeves carefully make their way
through the murder scene. Reeves leans down over a paw print.
REEVES
This is definitely a large wolf
print.
THOMPSON
(confused)
How can you be so sure?
REEVES
(confident)
Based on the depth and size of the
imprint. Dogs have larger middle
toes. All wolf toes are the same
size.
Reeves covertly pockets a mysterious canine tooth, concealing
it from Thompson.
THOMPSON
I didn't know either had toes. Can
wolves be trained?
Thompson's confusion turns into concern.
REEVES
(amused)
No, Thompson. They're not pets, no
matter what TikTok tells you.
57.

Thompson takes a moment before responding.
REEVES (CONT'D)
I was sure the little boy's death
would turn up something.
THOMPSON
(grimly)
There used to be a code, no women,
children, working man. But, now
snitching could get you killed.
Reeves combs over the prints, her eyes stop on small thin
strings of hair in the grass.
REEVES
You have a family?
THOMPSON
(beat)
Never been the family type.
REEVES
Don’t tell me, childhood trauma?
THOMPSON
(annoyed)
You're true to your nature. How
about you? Husband, kids?
REEVES
(direct)
No, I’m a rolling stone.
Thompson pauses at her revelation.
REEVES (CONT'D)
I’m sure you’re a good enough
detective to figure that out.
THOMPSON
None of my business really.
REEVES
I thought new partners had to have
dinner with the family, meet the
kids.
THOMPSON
I prefer to keep my private life
private.
REEVES
Okay, I get it. You're gay.
58.

Thompson stares at her, annoyed and tired.
THOMPSON
Can we concentrate on the case?
REEVES
(perturbed)
Okay... I’m just thrown off by a
grandmother not wanting to make it
safe for her grandsons.
Thompson looks at Reeves intently.
THOMPSON
(interested)
What's the kid's name?
REEVES
(thinking)
Not sure, Andrews... She wasn’t
forthcoming.
Thompson's eyes widen with intrigue, the detectives head
toward the car.
THOMPSON
(determined)
Let's go.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary The scene opens with Amari and Mateo, a vigilante duo, witnessing a carjacking and intervening. We then see them training, with Mateo transforming into a werewolf, before witnessing Amari taking down criminals in various locations. While Amari's actions protect innocent lives, they also leave a trail of violence and death. The scene shifts to detectives Thompson and Reeves investigating a murder scene with evidence pointing to a werewolf, leaving them to grapple with the unsettling mystery of the vigilante and their supernatural connection.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere
  • Complex and intriguing characters
  • High-stakes conflicts
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too graphic or violent for sensitive viewers
  • Complex plot may require multiple viewings to fully understand

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and gripping, with a good balance of action, mystery, and character development. The intense and suspenseful moments keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, crime, and police investigation is well-executed, adding depth and intrigue to the scene. The introduction of supernatural elements adds a unique twist to the traditional crime thriller genre.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-paced and filled with tension, conflict, and unexpected twists. The scene effectively sets up the mystery surrounding the werewolves and the ongoing police investigation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the vigilante genre by incorporating supernatural elements and complex moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and complex, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas. The scene delves into their relationships and past traumas, adding depth to their actions and decisions.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, facing their fears, making tough decisions, and revealing hidden truths. These transformations add depth and complexity to the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect the innocent and uphold justice. This reflects their deeper desire for righteousness and a sense of purpose in a chaotic world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to stop criminals and protect the community from harm. This reflects the immediate challenges they face in a crime-ridden city.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high-stakes conflicts, including a brutal dogfighting ring, a violent confrontation in a trap house, and a deadly encounter with a werewolf. The tension and danger are palpable, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing dangerous criminals and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, dangerous adversaries, and moral dilemmas. The tension and danger are constant, raising the stakes and keeping the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, revealing key information, and setting up future events. It advances the plot while deepening character relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the supernatural elements that add an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of vigilantism versus law enforcement. The protagonist's actions challenge the traditional notions of justice and raise questions about the effectiveness of their methods.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock, as characters face life-threatening situations and grapple with their inner demons. The emotional impact is heightened by the high-stakes conflicts and intense moments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing character dynamics and advancing the plot. It effectively conveys emotions, tension, and conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, moral dilemmas, and supernatural elements. The fast-paced narrative keeps the audience invested in the characters and their struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rhythm of the action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the action and dialogue. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a fast-paced and engaging structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and action sequences. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and fragmented. The constant smash cuts create a jarring effect and don't allow the action to breathe. Each montage section feels like a standalone scene rather than a cohesive part of a larger whole.
  • The pacing is inconsistent. The first half of the scene jumps through various scenarios with quick cuts, but the latter half slows down significantly, especially during the police investigation.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth. While the action is exciting, there's no real emotional connection to Amari's journey or the consequences of her actions. The death of the drug dealer's son is shown but doesn't resonate with the audience.
  • The police investigation is underdeveloped and feels clunky. The conversation between Thompson and Reeves about their personal lives seems forced and out of place. It's a missed opportunity to explore their personalities and the dynamics of their partnership.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It seems more focused on showcasing Amari's abilities than advancing the plot or developing characters. The montage format, while visually dynamic, doesn't offer much substance.
  • The character of Mateo is underutilized. He's mostly a silent observer, despite being a key character in the storyline. His role in Amari's development could be explored further.
  • The scene fails to build suspense or intrigue. The quick cuts and lack of character focus create a sense of detachment for the viewer.
Suggestions
  • Remove the smash cuts and replace them with smoother transitions to create a more cohesive flow.
  • Expand the scene's duration to give the action more space to breathe. Allow the audience to experience the tension and consequences of Amari's actions.
  • Focus on Amari's emotional journey and the internal conflict she's experiencing. Explore her anxieties, guilt, and struggle to control her abilities.
  • Deepen the police investigation and the relationship between Thompson and Reeves. Reveal their motivations, past experiences, and perspectives on the case.
  • Give Mateo a more active role in the scene. Allow him to interact with Amari, offer guidance, or provide insights into the nature of their affliction.
  • Introduce more suspense and intrigue. Use the action to drive the plot forward and create a sense of mystery around Amari's identity and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating a flashback sequence to explore Amari's past and the events that led her to this point. This could provide a deeper understanding of her character and motivations.



Scene 24 -  The Blood on His Hands
INT. AMARI'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Amari enters through the window, from the corner Mateo eyes
glow in the dark.
MATEO
I can smell the blood under your
fingers.
Amari stuffs the bag in a hidden broken piece of closet wall.
He turns on the light switch.
MATEO (CONT'D)
Who were they?
Amari changes his shirt.
CUT TO:
59.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mrs. Andrew's watches the news cast on the vigilante, her
attention turns to the light from under Amari's bedroom door.
She peeks down the hall; Javier is engulfed in his video
game, her eyes shift back as the shadow moves inside the
room.
Mrs. Andrews quickly opens the door.
MRS. ANDREWS
(startled)
What are you doing in here?
Mateo looks up dumbfounded from the bed.
MATEO
Uh.
Amari steps from behind the door.
AMARI
He's with me.
CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Amari and Mateo scarf down bowls of spaghetti. Javier looks
on astonished.
MRS. ANDREWS
The police are looking for a masked
man for attacking kids and tried to
carjack a woman.
AMARI
Maybe he was trying to help?
JAVIER
(at Mateo)
Are you even breathing?
Mateo pauses and continues to eat.
AMARI
I'm going out of town for a few
days. There's a car show that pays
very well for onsite mechanics.
Once the fair is over, I'll be back
home.
60.

Mrs. Andrews pours Mateo another bowl of spaghetti, looks
over to Amari.
MRS. ANDREWS
(accepting)
Mateo are you enamored with the
gear torque of an alternator as
well?
Mateo is caught off guard, he smiles with a mouth full of
food.
AMARI
I spoke with Nikki; she will drop
Javier off at school.
JAVIER
Yes!
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Amari, hiding a bag full of evidence from his vigilante activities, attempts to evade suspicion from both Mateo and Mrs. Andrews. Mateo notices the blood on Amari's hands and becomes curious. Mrs. Andrews discovers Mateo in Amari's room and learns about the masked vigilante from the news. Amari deflects their questions and announces he's going out of town for a car show, leaving behind a lingering sense of mystery and tension about his true intentions.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character motivations could be clearer in certain instances

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces intriguing plot points, and sets the stage for further developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, vigilante justice, and family secrets adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a mix of action, mystery, and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the vigilante genre by focusing on family dynamics and personal relationships amidst danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, with hints of internal conflict and hidden motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Characters undergo subtle changes, revealing new layers of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to protect Mateo and maintain his cover in front of Mrs. Andrews. This reflects his desire to keep his loved ones safe and maintain a sense of normalcy despite the dangerous situation he is in.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to leave town for a few days to work at a car show and earn money. This reflects his need to provide for his family and potentially escape the current dangerous situation he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with various conflicts, including internal struggles, family tensions, and external threats, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' choices and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and supernatural threats.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters and the shifting dynamics within the family.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Mrs. Andrews' acceptance of Mateo and Amari's actions, and the potential judgment or suspicion from others in the community. This challenges Amari's values of family loyalty and the need to protect his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to curiosity to concern, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves to reveal character traits and advance the plot effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing suspenseful moments with character interactions and dialogue, maintaining a sense of tension and intrigue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a strong sense of tension or conflict. While it establishes Amari's secrecy and Mateo's presence, it doesn't fully explore the implications of either.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and expository. Lines like "He's with me" and "Maybe he was trying to help?" are overly straightforward and don't reveal much about the characters' thoughts or motivations.
  • The scene relies too heavily on visual cues to convey information, such as Mrs. Andrew's peeking down the hallway and Mateo's dumbfounded look. This creates a passive experience for the reader, rather than actively engaging them in the story.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The initial conflict between Mateo and Amari feels rushed, while the interaction with Mrs. Andrew's is more drawn out. This creates an awkward rhythm and doesn't allow the tension to build effectively.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and anticlimactic. Amari's announcement of leaving for a car show feels like an afterthought, and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the tension built earlier in the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It doesn't advance the plot significantly, develop the characters, or create a memorable moment. It simply serves as a transition between other scenes.
Suggestions
  • Explore the tension between Amari and Mateo's relationship. What are their motivations for keeping their true identities secret? How does this secrecy affect their interactions with others?
  • Give Amari and Mateo more agency. Instead of simply reacting to Mrs. Andrew's questions, give them lines that reveal their internal thoughts and feelings.
  • Create a more engaging conflict. Perhaps Mrs. Andrews is suspicious of Mateo's presence, or Amari's secrecy creates a rift between them. This could lead to a more dramatic and interesting scene.
  • Use dialogue to reveal character and plot points. Instead of stating facts, use dialogue to show the characters' personalities, motivations, and the consequences of their actions.
  • Find a more satisfying ending to the scene. Consider ending with a cliffhanger, a dramatic reveal, or a moment that foreshadows future events. This will leave the reader wanting more and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 25 -  Sid's Fury
INT. SID’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Sid’s nurse rubs soothing cream on his hands, and neck. The
nurse gives him a drink and pain pills.
NURSE
Are the pills working or do we need
to increase the dose?
SID
Increase it.
NURSE
You know you’re one of the lucky
ones, normally this disease reduces
a person in their teens.
Sid downs the pills without the water.
SID
I feel cursed. (to the Nurse) Leave
me.
The conversation is interrupted by a hard knock on the door.
SID (CONT'D)
Come in.
HAM (30s) heavyset and loud squeezes into the room, passing
the nurse on her way out.
61.

TONY
All the hounds are down and dropped
in the pit.
SID
(Thinking)
Good... Good...
GINO
What about Sable? Do you want me to
put her down now?
The room falls silent.
SID
No word on the kid?
TONY
Nothing yet; we've been sitting on
the apartment for days now.
SID
Stay on it.
TONY
12 is also watching the place.
They're running daily patrols of
the area.
SID
He must know something about the
wolf.
HAM
Wolf? Boss. Don't tell me, you're
starting to believe this werewolf
bullshit as well --
-- Sid suddenly slams his cane into Ham's head, furiously
beating him over and over.
Tony and Gino try to pull him off, but Sid is filled with
rage, he continues to bludgeon Ham, until he's unresponsive
and twitching.
SID
(exhausted)
Motherfucker... Did I tell you what
I think. Did I!
Ham gasps for air, Sid wipes down his cane and stares through
the two-way glass, on the other side of the glass, Nikki is
delivering food.
62.

SID (CONT'D)
Let's flush him out. Yeah... That's
how we hunt.
Sid takes a towel, wipes blood from his hands, and adjusts
his clothing.
SID (CONT'D)
Drop this motherfucker in the pit.
Sid walks out of the office and
down the long hallway.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Sid, suffering from a mysterious illness and growing increasingly agitated, lashes out at Ham, one of his men, with his cane. Enraged by the ongoing investigation and feeling cursed, Sid orders Ham to be thrown into a pit, highlighting his descent into paranoia and violence.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • High conflict level
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth in some interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, effectively setting up the conflict and establishing a tense atmosphere. The introduction of Sid's character and his violent tendencies adds depth to the narrative, while the mention of a werewolf hints at a larger supernatural element. The scene is well-paced and keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of criminal activities intertwined with supernatural elements like werewolves is intriguing and sets the scene apart. The introduction of Sid as a ruthless character adds complexity to the story, while the mention of a werewolf introduces a supernatural mystery that piques the audience's curiosity.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with the introduction of Sid's criminal activities and the mystery surrounding the werewolf adding layers of complexity. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and hints at larger stakes, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements like the werewolf rumors and the violent confrontation between characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the gritty realism of the world depicted.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Sid's ruthless nature and mysterious background adding depth to the scene. The introduction of new characters like Ham and Gino adds intrigue, while Nikki's presence hints at a larger network of characters involved in the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new characters like Sid and the revelation of his violent tendencies hint at potential character arcs and developments in future scenes. The scene sets the stage for character growth and transformation as the narrative progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Sid's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and power in his criminal organization. His desire to find out information about the missing kid and the wolf shows his need to stay ahead of the game and protect his interests.

External Goal: 7

Sid's external goal is to track down the missing kid and deal with any threats to his organization, such as the werewolf rumors. This reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in maintaining his criminal empire.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters and the introduction of supernatural elements adding an additional layer of danger. Sid's violent outburst and the mention of a werewolf create a sense of impending conflict, setting the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and unexpected twists keeping the audience on their toes. The obstacles faced by the characters add depth to the conflict and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the introduction of criminal activities, supernatural elements, and violent conflicts raising the tension and danger. The mention of a werewolf and Sid's involvement in criminal activities hint at larger stakes and potential consequences, setting the stage for intense confrontations and revelations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, characters, and mysteries that propel the narrative. The revelation of Sid's criminal activities and the mention of a werewolf set the stage for future developments, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and unexpected twists in the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sid's ruthless, violent nature and the disbelief in supernatural elements like werewolves. This challenges Sid's worldview as he is forced to confront the possibility of something beyond his control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to intrigue and curiosity. The violent outburst by Sid and the mention of a werewolf create a sense of unease and danger, while the mystery surrounding the unfolding events keeps the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the tension and power dynamics between the characters. Sid's commanding presence is highlighted through his dialogue, while the interactions between the characters reveal underlying conflicts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and the high stakes involved. The reader is drawn into the dangerous world of organized crime and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension leading to a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of dialogue and action lines to drive the narrative forward. It adheres to industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller genre, with a buildup of tension leading to a violent confrontation. The pacing and formatting enhance the dramatic impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Sid's nurse tending to his injuries, but the dialogue feels generic and doesn't offer much insight into Sid's character or his motivations.
  • The introduction of Ham, Tony, and Gino is abrupt and doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand their roles in Sid's operation.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue, lacking visual action or internal monologues to showcase Sid's descent into paranoia and madness.
  • The transition from Sid's conversation with his goons to his sudden violent outburst against Ham feels jarring and lacks a clear emotional buildup.
  • The violence against Ham is described in a graphic way, but it feels gratuitous and lacks a dramatic purpose in driving the plot or revealing character.
  • The scene ends with Sid's plan to 'flush out' Amari, but this plan feels vague and lacks a clear sense of action or urgency.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with a slow start followed by a sudden burst of violence and then a quick resolution.
  • The dialogue between Sid and his goons feels repetitive and lacks tension, with phrases like 'Good... Good...' and 'Stay on it' lacking emotional weight.
Suggestions
  • Instead of starting with Sid's nurse, consider opening the scene with a visual of Sid's office – cluttered with files, surveillance screens, and a menacing atmosphere, to establish his personality and power.
  • Introduce Ham, Tony, and Gino in a way that reveals their characters and their roles in Sid's organization, perhaps through a scene where they are conducting surveillance or discussing their plans.
  • Show Sid's descent into paranoia through his actions and thoughts rather than solely through dialogue. Consider internal monologues or visual elements like close-ups on Sid's face, showing his growing unease and rage.
  • Build up the tension before the violence against Ham. Show how Sid's frustration and anger are escalating, perhaps through a subtle gesture or change in his voice.
  • Explore the psychology behind Sid's violence. Instead of just describing the action, delve into his motivations and the inner turmoil driving him.
  • After the violence, consider a beat where Sid stares at Ham's unconscious form, revealing his emotions and his next steps. This will create a more compelling transition and leave the audience with a lasting impression.
  • Show the plan to 'flush out' Amari through more specific actions. Consider scenes where Sid orders his goons to set a trap, arrange a confrontation, or spread rumors to lure Amari out.
  • Strengthen the dialogue by using subtext and revealing more about the characters' inner thoughts and motivations. Consider adding layers of deception, paranoia, and hidden agendas to create more tension and intrigue.



Scene 26 -  A Cold-Blooded Act and a Prank Gone Wrong
INT. CAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Sid enters the cage room. Sable steps out and meets his gaze.
SID
How's my girl?
He gently rubs the scars on her face and head.
SID (CONT'D)
(Softly)
You're not the alpha anymore, baby.
Sid pulls his gun from his waist, Sable whimpers. A single
tear falls from Sid's eye. He pulls the trigger. The gunshot
echoes through the building.
Sid slowly and painfully carries Sable’s lifeless body over
to the pit, a large hole in the back of the warehouse floor.
Sid looks over into the endless abyss.
He kisses Sable's cheek and lets her slip away, he waits but
nothing comes back, not even a sound. With tears in his eyes,
he stares at the claw scratches on the wall.
A low buzzing from under the lockers grabs his attention, Sid
leans down, and pulls out Amari's phone.
CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION RECORDS ROOM - DAY
Thompson combs through the files. He pulls out Amari’s
record.
THOMPSON
(excited)
Amari Andrews.
(MORE)
63.
THOMPSON (CONT'D)
He was present the night of the
home invasion murders. He's known
to frequent the bar where the
shootings happened. And now, the
third murder is near his apartment.
REEVES
Okay, I’m listening.
He opens Amari’s family files.
THOMPSON
Amari’s father accidently killed
the boy's mother in an argument.
She pulled him, he pushed her, she
fell, hit her head and never got
up. He later hung himself in
prison.
REEVES
(Sarcastically)
Storybook family.
THOMPSON
(excited)
He was 8. So, he knows murder. He's
also known to frequent the bar
where the shootings happened. And
now, the third murder is near his
apartment.
REEVES
(nodding)
We need to find him. We could put a
car outside the apartment.
Thompson nods in agreement and leaves the records room. A
voice calls out to him.
STAFF OFFICER
Thompson!
The officer points to the copy room.
STAFF OFFICER (CONT'D)
You have a forensic sketch coming
in on copier 2.
Thompson looks to Reeves.
THOMPSON
Did you order a sketch?
64.

REEVES
(wary)
No.
Reeves looks around at the faces of the officers, who seem
too quiet. Thompson stands over the copier, the fax begins to
come through.
Thompson waits with anticipation; his eyes widen with
expectation as the face begins to appear.
The printing ends and Thompson snatches it from the copier.
His excitement and expectations die quickly. He balls the
paper up.
STAFF OFFICER
(laughing)
He was last seen wearing a
letterman jacket and Nikes.
The office erupts in laughter. Thompson tosses the paper in
the trash, grabs his jacket and heads toward the door.
Reeves picks the paper from the trash, unrolls a picture of
MICHAEL J FOX - TEEN WOLF.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Sid brutally murders Sable in a dark cage room and disposes of her body in a pit. Meanwhile, Thompson investigates Amari's potential involvement in the murders, only to be misled by a prank sketch. The scene highlights the starkness of Sid's actions, Thompson's frustration with the investigation, and the overall bleakness of the situation.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces intriguing characters, and sets up a compelling mystery. The emotional depth and high stakes add layers to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, curses, and hidden pasts adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The exploration of themes like guilt, redemption, and survival enhances the storytelling.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of events that escalate the tension and mystery. The introduction of conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics keeps the audience invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the cage room setting, the pit in the warehouse floor, and the unexpected twist with the forensic sketch of Michael J. Fox. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Sid, are well-developed with complex motivations and internal struggles. Their interactions and conflicts drive the narrative forward and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The character of Sid undergoes a significant change as he grapples with the consequences of his actions and the curse he carries. His emotional journey adds complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Sid's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the loss of his status as the alpha and the death of Sable, reflecting his need for power and control in a chaotic world.

External Goal: 7

Sid's external goal is to investigate Amari's connection to the murders, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in solving the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the story forward. The conflicts between characters, their pasts, and the supernatural elements create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' resolve and push the narrative forward. The uncertainty surrounding Amari's involvement in the murders adds a layer of complexity to the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including life-threatening situations, personal vendettas, and supernatural threats, raise the tension and urgency of the narrative. The characters' lives and fates are at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics. It sets up future events and builds anticipation for the resolution of ongoing mysteries.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twist with the forensic sketch of Michael J. Fox, adding a layer of mystery and intrigue to the investigation. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and justice. Sid's actions and the investigation of Amari's past highlight the moral ambiguity and complexity of the characters' choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and fear to sadness and empathy. The emotional depth of the characters and the tragic events add impact to the storytelling.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions, conflicts, and relationships between the characters. It adds authenticity to their interactions and helps in building tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, suspenseful atmosphere, and unexpected twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles and conflicts. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, effectively building tension and suspense. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. The emotional weight of Sable's death is not fully conveyed. The moment feels hollow and unemotional. The tear from Sid's eye doesn't resonate as genuinely impactful.
  • The scene with Thompson and Reeves is too exposition-heavy. The script relies on dialogue to explain the plot rather than showing it. It feels like a dry summary of information rather than a scene with dramatic tension.
  • The humor with the forensic sketch feels misplaced and out of tone with the overall dark and gritty feel of the script. It disrupts the narrative flow and weakens the suspense.
  • The transitions between scenes are abrupt. The scene cuts between Sid's emotional breakdown and Thompson's investigation without any visual or narrative connection.
  • The scene with Reeves finding the picture of Michael J. Fox feels like a forced attempt at humor. It lacks subtlety and doesn't contribute to the story.
Suggestions
  • Focus on showing Sid's emotional breakdown rather than just telling it. Use visual cues and sound design to amplify the emotional impact of Sable's death.
  • Use action and visual imagery to convey the information in the Thompson/Reeves scene. Show them actively investigating Amari's apartment or analyzing evidence rather than simply listing facts.
  • Remove the humorous element with the forensic sketch. It undermines the seriousness of the investigation and the overall tone of the script.
  • Consider a smoother transition between scenes. Use a visual or narrative thread to connect Sid's emotional state with Thompson's investigation, highlighting the interconnectedness of their actions.
  • Replace the humorous scene with Reeves finding the picture of Michael J. Fox. Explore a more meaningful and subtle way to reveal the police's misdirection or lack of progress in the investigation.



Scene 27 -  Fire, Transformation, and the Cure
INT. MAKESHIFT CAR REPAIR GARAGE - NIGHT
Gino and Tony storm into the garage, their expressions
hardened and determined.
GINO
(gruffly)
Where's Amari?
GREIN
(defiantly)
Don't know!
Tony takes Grein by the collar, shoving him against a stack
of tires. Reid tries to intervene, but Gino swiftly punches
him across the face, sending him crashing into a workbench.
Gino’s bracelet snaps, sending a piece into the floorboards.
The goons begin to beat the brothers relentlessly. Tony pulls
the beaten body of Grein close to him, pulls his knife from
his pocket.
GINO
Where is your homeboy?
65.

REID
(bloody)
We don’t fucking know.
TONY
(hateful)
You motherfuckers think yawl so
cute.
Tony digs his knife into Grein’s eyeball. Grein’s screams
fill his brother's heart with pain.
Gino kicks over a gas can. The flammable liquid pours out. He
tosses a lit match onto the gasoline-soaked ground, igniting
a fiery path towards Reid and Grein.
The flames dance menacingly, casting flickering shadows
across the beaten brothers.
Gino and Tony exit the garage, leaving the brothers trapped
amidst the encroaching inferno. The brothers take hold of
each other. They struggle to their feet, searching through
the flames for an escape.
CUT TO:

INT. OCEANS BAR - NIGHT
The bar is nearly empty. The bar tender sits a shot glass
down and pours a full glass of whiskey.
REEVES
I’ll take one.
Reeves takes a seat next to a frustrated Thompson.
REEVES (CONT'D)
You know it comes with the job.
Thompson gives her a short look and chucks down the shot of
whiskey.
REEVES (CONT'D)
Okay, maybe a break, get a release.
THOMPSON
(Irritated)
Is this simulated... Maybe I’m the
only one that doesn’t know what’s
going on.
66.

REEVES
(suspicious)
What do you mean?
Thompson downs his shot and taps for another.
THOMPSON
This is bullshit. Citizens won’t
help each other; our own team
thinks it a joke.
The bartender pours both officers a drink.
THOMPSON (CONT'D)
Well, this is my journeys end.
REEVES
Have another drink on me, and in
the morning, we get a fresh start.
In the meantime, I’ll step into the
lady's room.
Reeves leaves the bar, while Thompson takes another drink.
CUT TO:

INT. BAR MEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Reeves enters the stall, inside she transforms into a tall,
thin handsome man.
CUT TO:

EXT. BAR LADIES ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Reeves (Jackson) walks out from the men's room, takes a seat
at the end of the bar and trades flirting smiles with
Thompson.
SMASH CUT:

INT. BEDROOM THOMPSON’S HOME - CONTINUOUS
Thompson and Reeves (Jackson) roll in each other's arms,
kissing.
CUT TO:
67.

EXT/INT. BARNES & NOBLE BOOK STORE - DAY
Sid pauses for the door to open, his body in crisis, his
swollen hand tightly grips his cane, his painful limp even
more noticeable. Pain from the sickle cell anemia rifles
through his legs with each step.
CUT TO:

INT. SUV BACKSEAT - DAY
The driver adjusts his eyes forwards when Sid stares back
through the glass.
The book's titled The Truth About Lycanthropy. Sid turns the
pages slowly. The SUV rolls through the Houston streets. Sid
pauses and reads the passage.
SID
(Sotto)
After the first transformation, new
Werewolves bodies are healed of all
diseases. They have superhuman
strength and abilities.
Sid stares out the window, a newfound hope of relieving
himself of the crippling disease by becoming a werewolf. His
heart and eyes match the movements of kids running through a
playground and playing basketball.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary Gino and Tony attack Grein and Reid in a makeshift garage, setting the building ablaze and trapping the brothers inside. Meanwhile, Reeves and Thompson engage in a romantic encounter after Thompson expresses his frustration with lack of support. The scene concludes with Sid considering lycanthropy as a potential cure for his illness.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing hidden motives
  • Introducing new plot elements
  • Exploring complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Certain actions may require further explanation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces new plot elements, and keeps the audience engaged with its mix of genres and mysterious atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, crime, and hidden identities is intriguing and well-executed, adding depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with new revelations, conflicts, and character interactions, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the psychological and emotional impact of violence on the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are unexpected, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, with hidden motives and conflicting loyalties adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, revealing hidden truths and shifting alliances, adding complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find information about Amari, a missing person or target of interest. This reflects their need for control, power, and possibly revenge, as well as their fear of failure or betrayal.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to extract information from the characters in the garage through intimidation and violence. This reflects the immediate challenge of obtaining crucial information in a high-stakes situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and driving the plot forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical and moral challenges that test their resolve and values. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable actions of the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve life-threatening situations, hidden identities, and the unraveling of dark secrets, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, conflicts, and character revelations, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected violence and twists in the characters' actions. The outcome of the confrontation is uncertain, adding to the tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the use of violence and coercion to achieve goals. The protagonist's actions challenge traditional moral values and raise questions about the ethics of their methods.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, tension, and curiosity in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to reveal character dynamics, motivations, and plot twists effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional depth. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and action. The rhythm of the dialogue and descriptions enhances the scene's effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The transitions between locations are smooth and help maintain the flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a crime thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and tension build effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong sense of action and violence, effectively conveying the brutality of Gino and Tony. The use of sensory details like the snapping bracelet and the smell of gasoline adds to the scene's intensity.
  • The brothers' dialogue, while conveying their defiance and pain, feels a bit repetitive. Consider adding more specific details to their dialogue to highlight their personalities and individual struggles.
  • The transition to the bar scene feels abrupt. Consider using a more gradual transition, perhaps showing the brothers' escape attempt or the aftermath of the fire.
  • The bar scene feels a bit static. The dialogue between Thompson and Reeves, while highlighting their frustrations, could be more engaging. Consider adding more action or visual elements to the scene.
  • The transformation of Reeves into Jackson is a bit sudden. A more gradual transformation, perhaps showing Reeves's features subtly changing, would be more impactful.
  • The smash cut to Thompson's bedroom feels jarring and abrupt. Consider using a more gradual transition to create a smoother flow between scenes.
  • The scene with Sid in the bookstore feels a bit disjointed. It's unclear why Sid is reading this particular book or what he hopes to gain from it. Consider tying this scene more closely to the overall narrative.
  • The ending of the scene, with Sid staring out the window, lacks a clear sense of closure or direction. Consider adding a final line or action that leaves the audience with a lingering question or a sense of anticipation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more details to the brothers' dialogue, perhaps revealing their individual backgrounds or their hopes for the future.
  • Add a visual element to the transition to the bar scene. This could be a close-up of a burning ember, a shot of the garage collapsing, or a distant view of the fire from the bar's window.
  • Incorporate more action or visual elements into the bar scene. This could be a fight, a chase, or a more dramatic conversation between Thompson and Reeves.
  • Instead of a smash cut to Thompson's bedroom, consider using a fade-to-black or a slow-motion transition to create a more subtle change in time and location.
  • Tie the scene with Sid in the bookstore more closely to the overall narrative. Perhaps he is looking for a cure for his illness, or he is trying to understand his own transformation.
  • Add a final line or action to the scene that leaves the audience with a lingering question or a sense of anticipation. This could be a close-up of Sid's eyes, a shot of the book's cover, or a glimpse of his future plans.



Scene 28 -  Haunted by the Past
EXT. RANCH - DAY
Mateo and Amari stand on the edge of a cliff overlooking a
breathtaking lake. The sun shines brightly, casting a golden
glow over the scene.
MATEO
(excited)
The biggest splash wins!
They both take a deep breath and dive off the cliff, their
bodies slicing through the air and plunging into the crystal-
clear water below.
CUT TO:
68.

EXT. ATLANTA GEORGIA WOODS - DAY
Mateo and Amari, now in their werewolf forms, chase after a
wild boar. Their agile bodies move with grace and power,
their fangs bared, and their instincts razor-sharp.
They eventually bring down the boar, their triumphant howls
echoing through the trees.
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS CAMP FIRE - NIGHT
Mateo and Amari sit by a crackling warm fire, parts of boar
hand over the burning branches.
MATEO
I can’t believe you wasted a good
kill.
AMARI
I just rather eat well cooked meat.
Mateo’s demeanor changes, his eyes more focused.
MATEO
(sincere)
You know you won't always be able
to control it. Sometimes the beast
just takes over.
Amari twirls a stick into the fire.
AMARI
I had a plan before all this, I
just wanted to get my grandmother
and brother out the hood. Now, its
fucked.
MATEO
Me and my mother came here for a
better life, you know the American
dream.
AMARI
Where's your mom?
Mateo stares into the crackling flames.
CUT TO:
69.

EXT. FLASHBACK HOUSTON OVERPASS - NIGHT
The sun rises over the rapidly moving river of vehicles
through the congested highway.
Waving a giant rose, a thin sun-beaten, a dark-haired woman,
ANGIE (40s), walking back and forth on the other side, is
MATEO age 10, missing his ability to hear.
The bright Houston sky turns Reid as the sun sets. Angie
signals with a hand wave to Mateo, as he steps to an
expensive SUV, the window rolls down, and he collects a
crumbled-up wad of dollars.
ANGIE
(signed)
It's getting dark, Mejo.
Stuffing the bills into his pocket, he moves to the roadside
beside a parking lot.
ANGIE (CONT'D)
(signed)
Let's count it.
The boy unrolls the bills from his pocket. Coins spill out
onto the ground.
ANGIE (CONT'D)
(signed)
Looks like they like you more than
me, Mejo.
MATEO
(signed)
I'm the boss now.
ANGIE
(signed)
Okay, boss man.
The area is engulfed with light. A rusty F-150 pulls up
behind them. Fear comes over her face; Angie stashes the
bills in her shirt.
ANGIE (CONT'D)
Come on, Mejo; we have to go.
The truck door opens. A large man drops from the driver's
side of the pickup. It's the TRAFFICKERS, (30s) stubby and
unshaved. They smuggled Mateo and his mother into the US.
Now the family must work to pay off the dept. The 2ND-
TRAFFICKER tilts back his seat and downs a beer.
70.

He leans out the window and throws the empty bottle,
shattering it directly in front of Angie and Mateo.
The TRAFFICKER-1 walks up close to Angie, with a thick
Spanish accent.
TRAFFICKER-1
How much do you have for me?
Angie unfolds twenty dollars, and some change falls to the
ground.
TRAFFICKER-1 (CONT'D)
(angry)
Don't play with me. You owe another
twelve hundred.
The driver begins to pat down and rub Angie's pockets.
ANGIE
I don't have it, but I will keep
working.
Mateo looks on, trying to read his lips. The 2ND-TRAFFICKER
snatches him by his shirt.
TRAFFICKER-1
I could put your son to work. There
are lots of freaks here who would
love a strong young man.
ANGIE
Please, hear this is all we have.
Angie slowly pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to him.
TRAFFICKER-1
No! More. He's going.
The 2ND-TRAFFICKER drags Mateo toward the truck. Angie tries
to fight him off, pulling Mateo backward. TRAFFICKER-1 turns
on her, but she rakes him across the face with her nails.
Angie grabs Mateo and runs with him through the parking lot
toward the neighborhood.
TRAFFICKER-1 is caught off guard and stumbles back in pain.
2ND-TRAFFICKER
(Laughing Intoxicated)
You better hurry; they're getting
away.
71.

Angie and Mateo cross over the street. The man runs back to
the truck. The 2nd-Trafficker, drunken laughter, eggs him on.
The truck's front end raises. The driver presses the gas,
with the vehicle in reverse. Smoke and burnt rubber marks are
left in the parking lot as the pickup, pulls out after them.
Genres: ["Action","Drama","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Mateo and Amari, now werewolves, reminisce about their childhood dreams and the hardships they faced as undocumented immigrants in Houston. A flashback reveals the harrowing reality of their past, where Angie, Mateo's mother, and he struggled to survive, exploited by human traffickers who forced them into debt bondage. The scene ends with Angie and Mateo desperately fleeing the traffickers, their future uncertain.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and emotionally impactful, with a good balance of action and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, survival, and family dynamics is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-paced, with a good mix of action sequences and character interactions that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf genre by exploring themes of control, survival, and identity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their unique circumstances, adding depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Amari and Mateo undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in terms of accepting their werewolf identities and facing their pasts.

Internal Goal: 8

Mateo's internal goal in this scene is to warn Amari about the dangers of losing control and succumbing to their werewolf instincts. This reflects Mateo's fear of losing himself to the beast within and his desire to protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and protect themselves from potential threats, such as the traffickers who are after them. This goal reflects the immediate danger and challenges they face in their environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both internal and external, which adds tension and drives the story forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing external threats and internal struggles. The unpredictability of the traffickers and the characters' own inner demons create tension and conflict, driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, inner demons, and the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The tension and suspense keep the audience on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' struggle to maintain their humanity and control over their primal instincts. Mateo warns Amari about losing control, highlighting the internal battle between their human and werewolf sides.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear to determination to sadness, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and moving the plot forward, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, emotion, and character development. The dynamic interactions between Mateo and Amari, as well as the intense physical sequences, keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing intense action sequences with emotional moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character interactions are well-crafted and enhance the overall narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a beautiful and somewhat cliché imagery of Mateo and Amari diving off a cliff, which feels disconnected from the overall tone and theme of the screenplay. This idyllic scene contrasts sharply with the darker themes of the story, making the transition feel jarring.
  • The werewolf chase scene, while visually appealing, lacks tension or a sense of urgency. The audience is already aware that Mateo and Amari are werewolves, so the scene feels more like an exercise in showcasing their abilities than a compelling moment in the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Mateo and Amari at the campfire lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about their characters. The conversation feels superficial, particularly the exchange about Amari's plan to get his family out of the hood, which is already known to the audience.
  • The flashback sequence is visually compelling but suffers from a lack of emotional impact. The introduction of Angie and Mateo's past is important, but the scene lacks the emotional weight necessary to truly resonate with the audience. The dialogue, particularly the use of sign language, is clunky and feels awkward.
  • The introduction of the traffickers feels rushed and lacks context. The audience is not given sufficient information about the traffickers' motivations or their connection to Mateo and Angie. This lack of context makes their threat feel less believable.
  • The scene's resolution is abrupt and anticlimactic. Angie and Mateo simply run away from the traffickers, with no clear indication of their plan or their ultimate fate. This lack of closure leaves the audience feeling unsatisfied.
Suggestions
  • Instead of starting with the cliff diving scene, consider beginning the scene with Mateo and Amari already at the campfire, reflecting on their transformation and the consequences of their new lives. This would establish a more somber tone and allow for a more natural transition into the flashback.
  • Focus on building tension during the werewolf chase scene. Instead of simply showing their prowess, emphasize the danger they are facing and the consequences of failure. Perhaps the boar is a dangerous predator, and the chase is about protecting a vulnerable member of their pack.
  • Develop the dialogue between Mateo and Amari at the campfire. Explore their anxieties and regrets about their transformed lives, their desires for a normal life, and their fears about losing control. Reveal their internal conflicts and their growing dependence on each other.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the flashback by focusing on Angie and Mateo's relationship. Show their struggles to survive and their desperation to escape the traffickers. Highlight the emotional toll the experience takes on them, especially Mateo, who is struggling to adapt to his new life.
  • Give the traffickers more backstory and motivations. Explain their history with Angie and Mateo, their reasons for bringing them to the US, and the consequences of failure. This will make their threat more credible and the audience's understanding of the situation more complete.
  • Create a more satisfying resolution for the flashback sequence. Instead of just running away, Angie and Mateo could find refuge or encounter a pivotal event that shapes their future. This will provide closure and add a sense of consequence to their actions.



Scene 29 -  Close Call in the Bungalow
EXT. HOUSTON BUNGALOW NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
The streets are lit up from the tiny bungalow homes, roars
from football games, and the homeowners echo from garages
turned man caves.
ANGIE
Come with me.
Angie grabs Mateo’s hand and hurries into a garage, dodging
the owner who dashes inside for more beer.
Angie can feel their eyes burning through her head; she
unwinds her hair and flips it over her shoulder. The pickup
pulls off. The garage door opens.
A husband and wife come from inside the home, startled to
find the pair sitting on the sofa.
HOMEOWNER HUSBAND
Hey!
Angie grabs Mateo and their bags and backs out slowly. The
homeowner draws his gun.
HOMEOWNER WIFE
What the fuck are you doing here?
ANGIE
I'm sorry, we're leaving.
HOMEOWNER HUSBAND
Did he take anything?
The homeowner shouts and points his gun. Out on the sidewalk,
she sees the pickup brake lights shine.
ANGIE
We took nothing. I'm sorry.
HOMEOWNER WIFE
Get the fuck out of here!
Angie grabs Mateo's hand and runs off across the street. The
screeching tires of the pickup in a hard U-turn, Angie and
Mateo cut between the houses.
72.

ANGIE
We have to run, Mejo, come.
Dragging Mateo by the hand between the homes. The truck turns
back, speeding down the street past the husband and wife.
HOMEOWNER WIFE
They must have stolen from them as
well.
Mateo runs alongside his mother; his hearing aid bounces
around. The sound cuts in and out.
The truck brakes hard around the corner, the engine roaring.
The light from a phone leads the way. The pair slips past the
distracted guard, running down the tunnel.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Angie and Mateo, fleeing from danger, hide in a garage but are discovered by the homeowner. The homeowner, believing they are thieves, draws his gun, forcing them to flee. They run across the street, chased by the homeowner in his pickup truck. They narrowly escape through a tunnel, with the homeowner in hot pursuit, aided by a distracted guard.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth in character relationships
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, action, and suspense to create a compelling narrative with emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother and son fleeing danger while being pursued by human traffickers is gripping and adds layers of tension to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with a clear conflict and high stakes driving the action forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh and intense situation with high stakes, showcasing authentic reactions from the characters. The dialogue and actions feel realistic and contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Angie and Mateo are well-defined and their relationship adds emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Angie and Mateo undergo a change as they are forced to confront danger and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Angie's internal goal in this scene is to protect her son Mateo and escape from the potentially dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security for her family.

External Goal: 7

Angie's external goal is to avoid confrontation with the homeowners and escape without getting caught or harmed. This reflects the immediate challenge of the dangerous situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the mother and son and the human traffickers creates a high level of tension and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the homeowners posing a significant threat to Angie and Mateo. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will escape the dangerous situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the characters being pursued by human traffickers add intensity and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the danger posed by the homeowners, and the characters' desperate attempts to escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the homeowners' sense of property rights and Angie's desperate need to protect her son. This challenges Angie's values of family and safety against the homeowners' sense of justice and protection of their property.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and hope in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and fear of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' desperate situation and rooting for their escape.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, effectively building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the action contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution. It effectively conveys the urgency of the characters' situation.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow to start. The descriptions of the neighborhood are nice, but they don't immediately engage the reader in the action. We need to get to the chase quickly.
  • The homeowner husband and wife seem a bit too calm for a situation where someone has just barged into their house. The homeowner wife's line, 'What the fuck are you doing here?' is too casual for a situation where she's confronting strangers who are clearly trying to escape.
  • The scene is a bit repetitive. There are a lot of lines of dialogue that repeat the same information, like 'Get the fuck out of here!' and 'We took nothing. I'm sorry.' We need to find ways to make the dialogue more concise and impactful.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt. We don't get a sense of closure or a clear idea of where Angie and Mateo are going next. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.
  • The scene is lacking in emotional resonance. While it shows the urgency of Angie and Mateo's situation, it doesn't make the reader feel their fear or desperation.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Angie and Mateo already running. We can see the neighborhood in the background as they flee. This will create a sense of urgency and immediacy.
  • Focus on the characters' emotions. How does Angie feel as she's trying to escape? What is Mateo thinking as he runs alongside his mother? We need to see their fear and desperation.
  • Cut out unnecessary dialogue. For example, the lines about stealing from the homeowners can be implied rather than explicitly stated. We can focus on the more impactful lines of dialogue, like Angie's pleas for forgiveness.
  • End the scene with a clear visual that leaves the reader wanting more. For example, we could see Angie and Mateo reaching the end of the tunnel, only to find themselves facing another obstacle.
  • Add a layer of suspense. What is the truck driver's motivation? Is he going to help Angie and Mateo? We can use this suspense to drive the action forward and keep the reader guessing.



Scene 30 -  Tunnel Terror
INT. WASHBURN TUNNEL - NIGHT
Midway through the dark tunnel, they slow their run to a
strenuous walk. Only heavy breathing, the sound of the damp
pavement under their feet, and a small light at the end of
the tunnel as the finish line.
Breaking the silence, the roar and lights of the pickup truck
speeding toward them.
A dimly lit tunnel stretches out before them. The sound of
footsteps and heavy breathing fills the air.
Mateo clutches his mother's hand protectively. The truck cuts
in front of them. Both men exit the truck.
ANGIE
Please take the money; this is all
we have.
The passenger laughs as the driver smacks Angie to the
ground. Mateo runs at him with all he has. The driver trips
him to the ground, knocking his hearing aid from his ear.
TRAFFICKER-1
All you had to do was give it to
me, but now, I had to chase you.
ANGIE
I'm sorry. Please don't we will
work it off.
73.

TRAFFICKER-1
The boy will pay it off faster.
The 2ND-TRAFFICKER takes hold of Mateo.
ANGIE
No!
Angie attacks, clawing at his face; he punches her to the
ground and begins to kick her, viciously beating her
The sound of the coyote's fist connecting with her face
echoes through the tunnel. Suddenly, a deafening ROAR pierces
the air, drawing everyone's attention except Mateo.
The tunnel guard drops her phone, startled by the commotion,
and peeks out of her booth. Alarmed, she quickly locks the
door.
CUT TO:

EXT. HOMEOWNER'S GARAGE - NIGHT
The couple stand in their garage, startled by the roar. The
once-barking dogs in the neighborhood fall silent and
motionless.
BACK TO:

INT. WASHBURN TUNNEL - NIGHT
Trafficker 2 is violently yanked backward into the darkness,
his screams echoing through the tunnel.
TRAFFICKER-1
Will...
From the shadows emerges an enormous werewolf, its eyes black
and penetrating, its thick dark fur bristling. It steps
forward.
Trafficker-1 panics and tries to flee, but the werewolf
ruthlessly hunts him down, tearing through his flesh.
Mateo and Angie watch in terror. The werewolf mauls
Trafficker-1. He turns towards the dying mother and son,
growling menacingly and taking slow, stalking steps.
The werewolf sniffs Angie's body. It growls and swiftly
swipes Mateo across the face.
CUT TO:
74.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Mateo slowly wakes up, his eyes fluttering open. He looks
around, his gaze landing on the sterile white walls of the
hospital room. He sits up, feeling disoriented and groggy.
MATEO
(grimacing)
Ugh...
He reaches up and rubs his ears in discomfort. The amplified
static from the hearing aid and the noise from the hospital
hallways floods his ears.
MATEO (CONT'D)
(shaking his head)
Too loud... too loud.
Mateo moves to the mirror, his eyes widen with shock at the
sound of his own voice, and the scar on his face is gradually
fading away.
MATEO (CONT'D)
(in disbelief)
It's... it's me.
Stunned, Mateo turns his head towards the door, sensing
someone's presence. The door swings open, revealing a man
dressed in a sharp, fancy suit and glasses. Mateo's eyes
light up, glowing a vibrant green.
MATEO (CONT'D)
Mom...
CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Mateo and Angie flee through a dark tunnel, pursued by ruthless traffickers demanding money. Angie's pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears as the traffickers brutally attack her. Mateo tries to intervene but is overpowered, losing his hearing aid in the struggle. Suddenly, a werewolf emerges, mauling one trafficker and turning its attention to Angie. The scene cuts to Mateo waking up in a hospital room, severely injured, hinting at the werewolf's attack and leaving Angie's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character backstories
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of horror, action, and emotional elements that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, transformation, and the struggle to control their powers is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of werewolves, the characters' pasts, and the escalating conflict with the antagonists.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh twist by combining elements of human trafficking with supernatural creatures like werewolves. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and development, especially with Mateo's past trauma and Amari's struggle to come to terms with her new identity.

Character Changes: 8

Both Mateo and Amari undergo significant changes, facing their fears, embracing their powers, and coming to terms with their pasts.

Internal Goal: 8

Mateo's internal goal is to protect his mother and survive the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects his deep need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Mateo's external goal is to escape the traffickers and survive the encounter with the werewolf. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, their inner struggles, and the external threats creates a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the traffickers and the werewolf posing significant threats to the protagonist and creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the characters' lives in danger, the revelation of werewolves, and the escalating conflict with the antagonists.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of a werewolf and the unexpected turn of events, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between survival instincts and moral values. Mateo and Angie are forced to make difficult decisions to protect themselves, which challenges their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and sadness, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions, motivations, and conflicts, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action sequences and character moments that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear action beats and character interactions, maintaining the tension and pacing effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with a sense of urgency and tension as Angie and Mateo try to escape the traffickers. However, the pacing slows down considerably after the traffickers catch them. The dialogue feels repetitive and doesn't contribute much to the story.
  • The introduction of the werewolf feels abrupt and out of place. The scene doesn't adequately build suspense or foreshadow its arrival. The werewolf's sudden appearance feels like a deus ex machina.
  • The scene's visual descriptions are lacking. While there are some mentions of sounds, the visuals are not described vividly enough to immerse the reader in the scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly. It would be beneficial to see the aftermath of the werewolf's attack on Angie and get a clearer understanding of Mateo's injuries and how he ends up in the hospital.
  • The scene's tone shifts drastically from suspenseful to melodramatic with the werewolf's appearance. It feels jarring and inconsistent with the overall tone of the script.
  • The sudden jump to the hospital room feels jarring and doesn't provide adequate closure to the tunnel scene. We don't know what happened to Angie after the werewolf attack.
  • The introduction of the mysterious man in a suit in the hospital room feels abrupt and lacks any context or explanation.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the dialogue in the scene to focus on the main conflict, the escape. Remove unnecessary repetitions and add more action to create tension.
  • Instead of introducing the werewolf abruptly, consider hinting at its presence earlier in the scene. Maybe a sound in the distance, a growl, or a shadow could foreshadow its arrival.
  • Provide more descriptive details about the tunnel and the werewolf's appearance. Use vivid language to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Consider adding a scene showing the immediate aftermath of the werewolf attack on Angie. This would allow the reader to understand Mateo's injuries and the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider balancing the dramatic elements of the werewolf's appearance with the existing suspenseful tone of the scene. This will help create a more consistent and engaging scene.
  • Transition to the hospital room scene more smoothly. You could consider adding a few lines of dialogue in the tunnel scene, for instance, Mateo asking his mother about her injuries, or a close-up shot of Mateo's injuries, leading to the hospital room.
  • Introduce the man in the suit more gradually. Provide some context for his appearance and his connection to Mateo. Who is he, and why is he in the hospital room?



Scene 31 -  Blood and Bargains
EXT. PRESENT DAY - CONTINUOUS
AMARI
You miss her?
Mateo forcing his tears back.
MATEO
(somber)
Every day.
Amari rips off a piece of meat.
AMARI
But damn, man, you were deaf?
75.

MATEO
From birth.
CUT TO:

INT. AMARI’S APARTMENT - DAY
Mrs. Andrews collapses, unconscious, while Nikki frantically
dials 911. Javier rushes over, handing Nikki a phone to text
Amari discreetly.
JAVIER
(whispering)
You can call my brother.
Nikki quickly texts Amari. The emergency technicians arrive
to tend to Mrs. Andrews. The officer watching the apartment
follows the ambulance, unaware that Sid's goon is tailing him
closely.
CUT TO:

EXT. ATLANTA GEORGIA WOODS - NIGHT
MATEO
How did their blood taste?
AMARI
(gravely/Spanish)
A cargo
Amari pulls his buzzing phone from his pocket. His eyes
widen; it’s a text from Nikki.
CUT TO:

INT. OUTDOOR SHOOTING RANGE - DAY
The gun range is surrounded by a scenic landscape, with
targets set up at various distances. Sid, a slick and cunning
individual accompanied by two intimidating goons, approaches
the range.
Standing confidently at the firing line is HENRY GRILL,
(50s), a tall and muscular man known for his firearms and
extensive game-hunting expertise.
Sid and his goon's halt. Henry takes a deep breath in, aims
with a 50-caliber rifle. Pulls the trigger as he releases the
air. The bullet takes out a large target. Impressed, he
approaches Henry with a smile.
76.

SID
(nods)
Impressive shooting.
HENRY
(grinning)
Striving for perfection. Nothing
more reliable than a 50 cal. Does
insurmountable damage to the human
body.
SID
Well, my Sickle Cell will do the
same just slower.
HENRY
We all have our curses.
SID
I’m hoping you can help heal me of
mine.
Sid extends his hand, and Henry firmly shakes it. The goons
stand nearby, watching the interaction closely.
SID (CONT'D)
I require your hunting services,
and I require the utmost
discretion.
Henry raises an eyebrow, intrigued but cautious.
HENRY
(slightly skeptical)
That’s costly.
Sid snaps his fingers, and one of his goons promptly hands
him a larger envelope filled with cash. Sid opens it,
revealing a substantial amount.
SID
(grinning)
Money is not an issue, my friend.
Consider it an investment in your
talents.
HENRY
(appreciative)
Well, you certainly know how to get
my attention, Sid. So, what are we
hunting?
Sid leans in closer, his voice hushed.
77.

SID
(confidentially)
Something... Healing and
extraordinary.
Henry's eyes light up with excitement and curiosity.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Amari receives a text about Mrs. Andrews collapsing while discussing his past with Mateo, whose eyes glow green when he sees the notification. Meanwhile, Sid enlists the help of skilled sharpshooter Henry Grill to hunt a mysterious creature, promising a large sum of money in exchange for a potential cure for his 'Sickle Cell' curse. The scene concludes with Henry accepting Sid's offer, leaving the nature of the hunt and its implications for Amari and Mateo shrouded in intrigue.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot development
  • Complex characters with intriguing backstories
  • High level of conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Certain character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of action, character development, and intrigue. The introduction of a mysterious hunting mission adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secretive hunting mission and the characters' past traumas as werewolves is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a good mix of action, character interactions, and mystery surrounding the hunting mission.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of crime and mystery, with unique character dynamics and plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and have intriguing backstories, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo internal struggles and revelations, especially regarding their past traumas and transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

Mateo's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the emotional pain of missing someone he loved, while also dealing with his disability of being deaf. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding, as well as his fear of isolation and vulnerability.

External Goal: 7.5

Mateo's external goal is to navigate the dangerous world of crime and mystery, while also dealing with the challenges of his disability. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present, both in the action sequences and the underlying tensions between characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and hidden agendas creating suspense and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the secretive hunting mission, the characters' past traumas, and the potential dangers they face.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element with the hunting mission and delving into the characters' pasts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the evolving plot dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, loyalty, and morality. Sid's offer to Henry raises questions about the ethics of his actions and the consequences of his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, curiosity, and intrigue, especially with the reveal of the secretive hunting mission.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, dynamic characters, and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced action and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit fragmented and could use more flow between locations. The transitions between Amari's phone call, Mrs. Andrews' collapse, and the outdoor shooting range feel abrupt and disjointed.
  • The scene seems to introduce Henry Grill and his hunting expertise without fully establishing his importance or relevance to the overall plot. Why is Sid interested in Henry's services at this point in the story?
  • The dialogue between Sid and Henry feels a little clunky and exposition-heavy, especially when discussing Sid's Sickle Cell and their 'curses.' It could benefit from being more natural and less expositional.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a strong sense of closure or a clear indication of what comes next. The final lines with Mateo, while intriguing, are not fully integrated into the scene's narrative.
  • The 'CUT BACK TO:' notation in the last two lines feels awkward and unnecessary. It disrupts the flow of the scene and could be replaced with a more seamless transition.
Suggestions
  • Consider using a smoother transition between locations, perhaps a visual connection like a phone call or a character's reaction to the news.
  • Clarify Henry's role and purpose in the story earlier. What is the specific 'healing and extraordinary' thing that Sid wants Henry to hunt?
  • Rework the dialogue between Sid and Henry to be more conversational and natural. Avoid using too much exposition and try to reveal information organically through their interactions.
  • Conclude the scene with a stronger hook, such as a visual cliffhanger, a line of dialogue that sets up the next scene, or a revelation that increases the stakes.
  • Eliminate the 'CUT BACK TO:' notation and find a more natural way to bring the scene to a close.



Scene 32 -  Interrogation and Denial
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Mrs. Andrews slowly awakens, her eyes fluttering open. Amari
grasps her hand and smiles with relief.
AMARI
(gently)
Grandma, you're awake. How are you
feeling?
MRS. ANDREWS
(struggling to speak)
Amari... I... I'm glad to see you.
Mrs. Andrews attempts to sit up, but Amari gently places a
hand on her shoulder, urging her to rest.
CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY
Sid's goon, watching Amari from a distance, discreetly calls
Sid.
GINO
(on the phone)
Boss, the kids here. You want me to
take him?
SID
No, stay with him. I’m coming.
Sid's SUV speeds down the highway.
CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL EXIT - DAY
A somber Amari, Nikki, and Javier step out of the hospital.
Detectives Thompson and Reeves approach them.
78.

THOMPSON
Hello again, Amari.
AMARI
Detective.
THOMPSON
(to Amari)
We need you to come down to the
station with us for questioning.
NIKKI
(concerned)
What's going on? Why do you need
him?
AMARI
(reassuringly)
It's okay, Nikki. I'll be fine.
Just go home with Javier, and I'll
join you soon.
Nikki hesitates, nods and takes Javier's hand, leading him
away.
JAVIER
Where's Amari going?
CUT TO:

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Amari sits alone in the dimly lit room. Detectives Thompson
and Reeves enter and stand silently for a moment, observing
him.
Thompson has two cans of coke. He slides one across the table
toward Amari and opens the other.
REEVES
How's the car business?
THOMPSON
Reeves is there a business permit
for a car repair shop at 13946
McDougall?
REEVES
Nope, I don't remember seeing one.
AMARI
I have the owner's permission.
79.

Thompson scoots close to Amari.
THOMPSON
What do you know about the
nightclub massacre?
AMARI
Nothing.
REEVES
Where were you that night?
AMARI
At home.
Reeves steps close to Amari, her annoyance showing on her
face.
REEVES
Who should we ask to verify that,
your little girl friend?
THOMPSON
Amari, death is all around you, and
you act as if you are immune. Let
me help you son.
AMARI
I'm not your son.
THOMPSON
Yea... That’s right. What do you
know?
Thompson narrows his eyes, his tone becoming more assertive.
Amari opens the Coke can and takes a sip.
AMARI
Nothing about murders.

Reeves changes the approach, pulling out graphic crime scene
photos.
REEVES
(showing the photos)
Do you recognize these men? They
were found dead in your complex.
And this... a young boy ...this
innocent child was caught in the
crossfire.
80.

Mixed in with the photos are pictures of Amari’s parents.
Amari's expression shifts from calm to anguish as he stares
at the photos.
THOMPSON
Oh, shit. How did those get in
there.
He slowly pulls out the photo of Amari's Mother and father.
AMARI
(upset)
I don't know them. I don't know
anything about this. Can I leave
now or am I under arrest?
Reeves steps forward. Her voice is stern.
REEVES
(not giving in)
You're not under arrest, Amari.
Amari, shaken by the images, stands up, his voice filled with
emotion.
AMARI
(determined)
I'm out.
Amari walks out of the room, leaving the detectives behind,
grappling with the weight of their investigation. Thompson
smiles at the coke can.
REEVES
Really?
THOMPSON
This kid is forged in murder, we
needed something tough to make him
crack.
REEVES
Did it work?
Thompson stares out the window.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Amari visits his hospitalized grandmother, then faces interrogation by Detectives Thompson and Reeves regarding the nightclub massacre. The detectives attempt to pressure Amari by showing him gruesome crime scene photos, including those of his parents, but he vehemently denies any involvement. Disturbed by the experience, Amari leaves the interrogation room while the detectives continue their investigation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young man being questioned about a series of murders while dealing with personal trauma and family dynamics is compelling and adds layers to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Amari faces interrogation and emotional turmoil, revealing more about his past and the ongoing investigation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the interrogation trope, focusing on the protagonist's emotional journey and moral dilemmas. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are compelling.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Amari, are well-developed and show depth through their emotional responses and interactions, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Amari undergoes significant emotional turmoil and growth in this scene, facing difficult truths and decisions that shape his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his innocence and protect his loved ones from the consequences of the investigation. This reflects his fear of being implicated in a crime he did not commit and his desire to keep his family safe.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the interrogation and clear his name in the face of mounting evidence against him. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving his innocence and avoiding arrest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Amari and the detectives, as well as the internal conflict within Amari himself, creates a tense and engaging atmosphere, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the detectives challenging the protagonist's innocence and pushing him to his limits. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the interrogation, coupled with the personal and emotional turmoil faced by Amari, heighten the tension and suspense of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the investigation and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the interrogation, the revelation of new evidence, and the protagonist's emotional reactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's belief in his own innocence and the detectives' suspicion of his involvement in criminal activities. This challenges the protagonist's values of honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Amari grapples with the accusations and revelations, evoking empathy and tension from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the inner struggles and conflicts of the characters while driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional depth, and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and emotional beats. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a suspenseful interrogation scene, with a clear progression of tension and conflict. The pacing and formatting are effective in building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a clear purpose. It doesn't advance the plot significantly or provide any new information about the characters or the mystery.
  • The interrogation scene feels repetitive and uninspired. The detectives' questioning is generic and lacks the intensity and urgency expected from such a serious situation.
  • The use of crime scene photos is a common trope, and its impact is lessened by the awkward inclusion of photos of Amari's parents. The juxtaposition is jarring and confusing, lacking any clear narrative purpose.
  • The detectives' reactions to the photos are inconsistent. Thompson's surprise at seeing the photos feels unearned, as he previously suggested he had access to information about Amari's family.
  • Amari's reaction to the photos is unconvincing. His anger and frustration feel forced and don't ring true, given his previous composure and calmness.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The detectives' final dialogue feels like an afterthought and does not provide any closure or insight into the mystery.
  • The scene could benefit from a more dramatic and compelling tone. The pacing feels sluggish, and the dialogue lacks energy and tension.
Suggestions
  • Explore Amari's internal conflict and his growing awareness of his supernatural abilities. What is he thinking and feeling as he's confronted with these disturbing images? How does this affect his relationship with the detectives?
  • Reimagine the interrogation scene with greater intensity and suspense. Highlight the detectives' desperation and their need to uncover the truth. Consider using flashbacks or dream sequences to explore Amari's past and his connection to the murders.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the crime scene photos. Amari's reaction should be more nuanced and believable. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a flashback that reveals his connection to these victims.
  • Create a stronger sense of urgency and mystery. The detectives should be actively pursuing a lead, and their questioning should feel more deliberate and targeted.
  • Rework the scene's ending. The detectives' final dialogue should provide a sense of closure and hint at the next steps in their investigation.
  • Consider using visual elements to enhance the tension and atmosphere. A close-up on Amari's face as he sees the photos, a haunting soundtrack, or a sudden change in lighting can create a more dramatic effect.
  • Explore the themes of guilt, innocence, and identity. The scene should delve into Amari's internal struggle and his growing sense of responsibility for the events unfolding around him.



Scene 33 -  Descent into Violence
EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT
Amari walks through the desolate city streets. Images of his
parents and the little boy flash through his mind.
81.

He passes the homeless area, filled with tents, trash, and
struggling people. A few small children wander aimlessly
while strung-out drug addicts nod off in strange body
contortions, resembling zombies.
Suddenly, his phone rings, breaking his train of thought. He
looks at the screen and sees Nikki on FaceTime.
AMARI
(distressed)
Nikki? What's going on?
CUT TO:

INT. NIKKI'S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Nikki holds Javier close on the sofa, a larger goon standing
behind her with a gun.
NIKKI
(teary-eyed)
Amari, it's Sid. He wants you to
come to the warehouse. He said
he'll let Javier and me go if you
come.
Amari’s heart pounds in his chest, and without hesitation, he
takes off running frantically. He weaves through the
neighborhood. He reaches his apartment complex, he stops and
sniffs the air, his keen senses homing in on the presence of
strangers.
CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
Amari spots two goons sitting in a car and another lurking
under the steps. Moving with lightning speed, he creeps up on
the car and silently enters the back seat, startling the men
inside. Amari proceeds to rip them apart, his nails and fangs
drenched in blood.
In the adjacent apartment building, under a camouflaged tent,
Henry watches the scene unfold through his scope.
He loads a tranquilizer dart into his gun.
82.

Amari quietly exits the car; He swiftly takes care of the
goon lurking under the stairs, then moves to the balcony
while Henry follows him through the scope, having Amari in
his crosshairs.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Haunted by memories of his parents, Amari navigates a desolate city plagued by poverty and drug addiction. He receives a desperate FaceTime call from Nikki, who is being held hostage by Sid. Driven by urgency, Amari races to his apartment complex, only to find himself confronted by goons sent to stop him. Fueled by a burning rage, Amari unleashes brutal violence upon the goons, leaving none alive. However, his victory is short-lived as he is unknowingly observed by a lurking figure, Henry, who has a tranquilizer gun aimed at him, setting the stage for a dangerous encounter.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Compelling characters
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Minor inconsistencies in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, suspense, and horror elements. The intense atmosphere, high stakes, and emotional impact contribute to its high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a werewolf protagonist facing dangerous enemies and protecting loved ones is intriguing and well-executed. The introduction of a skilled sharpshooter adds depth to the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that keep the audience engaged. The introduction of new characters and conflicts adds depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the urban crime genre by blending elements of supernatural abilities with gritty realism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world depicted.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and compelling, each with their own motivations and conflicts. The protagonist's struggle to protect his loved ones adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a transformation from fear to determination, showcasing growth and resilience in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to protect his loved ones and confront the threat posed by Sid. This reflects his deeper need for security, belonging, and the desire to keep his family safe.

External Goal: 9

Amari's external goal in this scene is to rescue Nikki and Javier from Sid's threats. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Amari facing multiple threats and obstacles that challenge his abilities and test his resolve.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of protecting loved ones, facing dangerous enemies, and risking one's life create a sense of urgency and danger in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating the tension, and setting up future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the moral dilemmas and conflicting motivations of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between loyalty to family and the moral dilemma of resorting to violence to protect them. This challenges Amari's beliefs about right and wrong, and the lengths he is willing to go to for his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and moving the plot forward. It could be more impactful with some improvement in the delivery and depth of the conversations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the conflict.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining a sense of urgency, and keeping the reader engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the conflict, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a powerful image of Amari walking through a desolate city, but it quickly becomes a bit too descriptive and slows down the pacing. The description of the homeless area feels like exposition rather than action, and the zombies analogy is a bit cliche. The dialogue between Amari and Nikki is functional, but it doesn't create a sense of urgency.
  • The action sequences are well-written and visually engaging. Amari's speed and ferocity are well-conveyed, but the scene could be even more impactful with a bit more detail about his transformation and his emotional state. We see him ripping the goons apart, but we don't really get a sense of his rage or his inner conflict.
  • Henry's introduction is a bit too abrupt. We're told he's watching the scene unfold, but we don't get a sense of his motivation or his backstory. It's unclear why he's targeting Amari. The scene also doesn't fully utilize Henry's presence. He's introduced as a threat, but he doesn't actually do anything in this scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly with a cut to the previous scene, which is a bit jarring. It would be more satisfying to see Amari's reaction to Henry's presence or to have him react to the goon's death, or even have Henry fire his tranquilizer gun. The final line feels like a set-up for the next scene, but it's not completely clear what the scene is setting up.
  • The scene also lacks a strong sense of tension. We know that Amari is in danger, but the danger isn't fully realized. There's a sense that something dramatic is about to happen, but it doesn't actually happen in this scene.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. It feels a bit rushed in some places and slow in others. For example, the description of the homeless area could be condensed, and the action sequences could be slowed down to give the reader a better sense of the violence.
  • The scene also lacks a sense of character development. While we see Amari's ferocity, we don't get a sense of his vulnerabilities or his inner struggles. We also don't learn much about Nikki or Javier in this scene. This is important for making the audience care about the characters.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Amari running, emphasizing his urgency and desperation. Then cut to Nikki and Javier, establishing the stakes of his mission. This will create a stronger sense of tension from the beginning.
  • Give Amari a moment to react to the call from Nikki. What are his thoughts? What are his fears? This will help the audience understand his motivations and connect with him on an emotional level.
  • Show Amari's transformation into a werewolf in more detail. Describe his feelings, the physical sensations, and the changes in his appearance. This will make the violence more visceral and impactful.
  • Develop Henry's character. What are his motivations? Why is he targeting Amari? What are his plans? This will create a more compelling antagonist and add a layer of intrigue to the story.
  • End the scene with a clear cliffhanger. Will Amari escape Henry? Will he be able to save Nikki and Javier? This will leave the audience eager to find out what happens next.
  • Rewrite the scene to emphasize Amari's vulnerability and inner conflict. He's not just a killing machine, he's a character with a past and a present that's filled with pain and loss. Show him struggling with his emotions and his newfound powers.
  • Make the dialogue more dynamic. Give Nikki and Amari more to say, and let their words reveal their emotional states and their relationships to each other. This will make the scene more engaging and help to develop the characters.



Scene 34 -  Capture and Discovery
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Amari peeps through the window, observing the goon sitting
with his back to him. Javier looks up and notices Amari’s
shadow. Amari takes hold of the door, ready to make his move.
Before he can act, a shot rings out from behind. The
tranquilizer dart fired by Henry lands flush in Amari’s back
shoulder, sending him tumbling through the doors, crashing
onto the floor.
CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Amari is dropped into an empty pool, his body hitting the
cold floor with a thud.
Sid and Henry stand over an unconscious Amari.
SID
(smirking)
All that power.
HENRY
I don't know.
SID
You saw it. You saw its power?
HENRY
I don’t know what I saw.
In a separate room, Nikki and Javier are led in by one of
Sid's brutish goons, who locks the door behind them.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Mateo in werewolf form stalks the warehouse from across the
street; with his keen eyesight, he spots Sid and Henry
standing over the ring.
CUT TO:
83.

INT. BURNED-OUT REPAIR GARAGE - NIGHT
Detectives Thompson and Reeves comb through the charred
remains of the garage.
REEVES
You really believe the kid is
behind this?
THOMPSON
I believe he knows something.
REEVES
With 2nd degree burns, his boys
won’t be able to point us in the
right direction.
A thumping and soft growl comes from the back room.
CUT TO:

INT. CHARRED BACK ROOM
Detectives Thompson and Reeves cautiously enter the charred
back room, their senses heightened by the eerie atmosphere.
The room is dimly lit, with the remnants of a fire still
lingering in the air.
A growling shadow moves beneath the crack of a partially
closed door, catching the detectives' attention.
Thompson and Reeves exchange a glance, their focus
intensifying. Slowly, they approach the door, their guns
drawn and ready.
THOMPSON
(whispering)
Door.
REEVES
(nervously)
Got it.
They position themselves on either side of the door, Thompson
covering Reeves. She reaches for the knob. With a firm grip,
Reeves turns the knob and pulls the door open swiftly.
To their surprise, instead of a menacing threat, The
Destroyer waddles out into Reeves' arms. Far from the
terrifying image they had expected.
84.

REEVES (CONT'D)
(smiling)
Oh, look at the big bad wolf.
The tension in the room instantly dissipates. Reeves holds
the adorable pup, its growls replaced with playful whimpers.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Action","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Amari is tranquilized and captured by Henry and Sid, taken to an empty warehouse. Meanwhile, Nikki and Javier are held in a separate room. Mateo observes the scene from a distance. Detectives Thompson and Reeves investigate a burned-out garage, believing the kid is involved, but their investigation leads them to a playful puppy named The Destroyer, resolving the tension.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful plot
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion with multiple storylines
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and sets up a high-stakes confrontation between the main characters and the antagonist. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, vigilantes, and a mysterious antagonist hunting them down is intriguing and well-executed. It adds depth to the story and creates a sense of mystery and danger.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with multiple storylines converging to create tension and suspense. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as werewolves and mysterious powers, adding a unique twist to the crime and mystery genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and engaging, with clear motivations and conflicts. Their interactions drive the plot forward and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant challenges and experiences that lead to personal growth and change, especially in the face of danger and adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal is to confront the goon and potentially extract information from him. This reflects his desire for justice and his determination to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events unfolding.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to capture the goon and gather evidence to solve the case he is investigating. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his pursuit of justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters to make difficult decisions and face dangerous situations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' resolve and skills. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the threats they face.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and personal sacrifices.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revelations, and developments that will impact the characters and the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the introduction of werewolves and mysterious powers. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the use of power and the consequences of one's actions. Sid and Henry discuss the power they have witnessed, raising questions about the morality of their choices and the impact of their decisions on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and intriguing plot developments. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the story, eager to see how the events unfold.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure with clear transitions between locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and disjointed. The action jumps around between locations and characters without a clear flow.
  • The scene lacks emotional impact. We don't feel Amari's fear or desperation when he's captured, nor do we feel the detectives' trepidation when they investigate the garage.
  • The introduction of the Destroyer feels abrupt and unearned. The scene would benefit from more foreshadowing or hints about the pup's presence.
  • The scene lacks suspense. The confrontation between Amari and Sid/Henry feels uneventful, and the detectives' encounter with The Destroyer lacks tension.
  • The scene focuses too much on physical actions and not enough on character interactions. We don't get a good sense of what's going on in the characters' heads.
  • The ending feels abrupt and doesn't leave the reader with a strong sense of closure.
  • The scene could be improved by exploring the characters' motivations and reactions to their situation in greater depth.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene by adding more dialogue and internal monologues to reveal the characters' thoughts and feelings.
  • Create a more gradual build-up of tension leading up to Amari's capture. This could involve him making a daring escape or facing a series of obstacles.
  • Develop the relationship between Amari and Sid/Henry by showcasing their power dynamic, their motivations, and their past interactions.
  • Increase the suspense surrounding the investigation in the garage. Consider adding a mysterious element or a sense of danger for the detectives.
  • Explore the significance of The Destroyer's arrival. What does it symbolize? How does it connect to the overall story? Does it foreshadow a future development?
  • Consider ending the scene on a more ambiguous note, leaving the reader with unanswered questions or a lingering sense of suspense.



Scene 35 -  The Awakening
INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - NIGHT
Amari lays uncomfortable, tied down to a hospital bed, Sid’s
nurse checks his vitals.
AMARI
You can’t help him do this. He has
no idea what will happen.
The nurse ignores Amari’s words and continues with her work.
Sid enters the room in a hurry, removing his jacket, taking a
seat next to Amari.
SID
Is he ready?
The nurse pulls a needle from the table. Amari fights the
restraints.
SID (CONT'D)
Now, Amari you don’t want anything
to happen to your little brother.
Maybe we should let him test it.
Amari relaxes, the nurse presses the needle into his arm.
Blood fills the syringe. Sid pumps his arm, his eyes filled
with anticipation.
The nurse turns to Sid.
NURSE
(beat)
Are you sure you want this?
Sid nods her way.
NURSE (CONT'D)
I’m only going to give you a
little, if you feel okay, we can
proceed.
CUT TO:
85.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Sid and Henry, watch intently, Amari stands in the center of
the warehouse, bathed in the ethereal glow of the full moon.
Sid grows visibly upset and confused, paces back and forth.
SID
(angry)
I don't understand, Henry. This is
a full moon. Why hasn’t he
transformed?
Sid's frustration boils over, and he turns to his goons.
SID (CONT'D)
(gritting his teeth)
Enough of this waiting shit!
Three goons' step into the rink with cattle prods crackling
with electricity and a large pit bull. Amari backs up into a
corner.
The goons lunge forward, jabbing the cattle prods at Amari’s
body. Electricity surges through him, causing him to convulse
in pain. The dog snaps at his arm, but Amari remains in human
form.
Amari’s pain echoes through the warehouse; Nikki covers
Javier's ears to protect him from his brother's screams.
SID (CONT'D)
(frustrated)
What the fuck is this?
HENRY
(trying to reason)
Maybe you were wrong? Maybe he’s
just a boy.
Sid, seething with anger and disappointment, clenches his
fists.
SID
(furious)
You saw it, you know its power. I
won't be made a fool of! There’s
another way.
Sid storms off, his determination unwavering, Amari lays
there, tired and battered.
Sid's goons forcefully bring Nikki, terrified and trembling,
into the dimly lit room.
86.

Amari, chained and helpless, watches with a mixture of fear
and anger. Sid, wearing a sickening grin, stands nearby.
SID (CONT'D)
(sadistically)
Dogs!
The goons obey Sid's command, and aggressive dogs start
barking and lunging at Nikki, nipping at her legs. She
screams in terror and pain, desperately trying to fend them
off.
NIKKI
(crying out)
Please, stop! Amari!
Amari, filled with a deep rage, pleads with Sid.
AMARI
(furious)
Sid, call off the dogs!
SID
(mockingly)
You can save her, or she will go
into the pit. Don’t let her die,
like you did your mother.
Amari’s face contorts with anger.
AMARI
(gritting his teeth)
Call off the dogs, now!
Sid's face turns Reid with rage, his voice booming with
intensity.
SID
(yelling)
Do it, damn it! Let them eat!
The dogs attack Nikki with ferocity, sinking their teeth into
her vulnerable body. The room fills with screams and chaos.
Amari, consumed by uncontrollable fury, he breaks free from
his chains and dives into the dogs, tearing them apart with
savage force.
SID (CONT'D)
(amazed)
That's it! That's what I've been
waiting for!
Henry in shock, steps back and leaves out the side door.
87.

Sid opens the door, cautiously entering as the Amari-werewolf
sniffs over Nikki's motionless body. Suddenly, Amari turns on
Sid, biting him in the face. Sid screams in agony.
Just then, three darts strike the werewolf's back, knocking
him to the floor. A group of Sid’s goons wearing body armor
rush in and begin to beat the werewolf with prods and batons.
The Nurse, Gino, and Tony rush to Sid's aid, startled and
shocked by his mangled face. They quickly carry his body into
the makeshift lab.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dark warehouse, Sid ruthlessly attempts to trigger Amari's werewolf transformation. He uses brutal methods, including electric prods and attacking Nikki with dogs, to force the transformation. Driven to desperation, Amari breaks free and transforms, viciously attacking Sid. Despite his success, Amari is quickly subdued by Sid's goons, leaving his fate hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with its high-stakes conflict and dramatic character choices.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of werewolves, experimentation, and moral dilemmas is executed effectively, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Sid's sinister plans and Amari's internal struggle, leading to a pivotal moment in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the werewolf transformation trope by incorporating themes of manipulation, sacrifice, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Amari and Sid, are well-developed and undergo significant challenges and transformations in this scene, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

Amari undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, both physically and emotionally, as he grapples with his werewolf nature and makes a difficult choice to protect his loved ones.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his loved ones and resist the antagonist's attempts to exploit him. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and agency in the face of external threats.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to resist transformation and maintain his humanity despite the antagonist's efforts to force a change. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and self-preservation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral challenges that drive the characters' actions.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that test his resolve and push him to his limits.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with Amari forced to make a life-changing decision to save his brother, facing physical and emotional challenges that will have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about Sid's plans, Amari's abilities, and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's choices and the antagonist's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between free will and control. The protagonist must navigate the ethical dilemma of sacrificing his autonomy to protect his loved ones or resisting the antagonist's manipulation at all costs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anger, and sadness, particularly in Amari's desperate attempt to save his brother and confront his werewolf nature.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and heightens the tension and emotional depth of the scene, effectively conveying the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense emotions, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency, and escalating the conflict at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict through escalating stakes and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene begins with an unnecessarily long exposition of the nurse's actions, which slows down the pacing and doesn't add much to the story. The scene is heavily focused on Sid's internal conflict, and while it's important, it takes away from the urgency of the situation with Amari and Nikki.
  • The scene is heavily reliant on dialogue to convey tension, which feels clunky and unemotional. The actions and reactions of the characters should convey the urgency and desperation of the moment more effectively.
  • The scene lacks visual imagery and relies too much on telling rather than showing. For example, instead of Sid saying 'you saw it, you know its power,' the scene should visually show Henry's understanding of Amari's abilities.
  • The scene's action climax is a bit too convenient and predictable, with Amari's transformation happening precisely when it's needed to save Nikki. The scene could be more nuanced by showing Amari struggling with his transformation, perhaps even resisting it, adding another layer to his character.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt, with the goons attacking Amari and Sid being carried off. It would be more satisfying to see Amari fight back against the goons, perhaps even showcasing his growing strength as a werewolf, adding to the scene's action and excitement.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the scene by focusing on the most important moments and eliminating unnecessary dialogue and actions. Focus on visual storytelling instead of relying on exposition.
  • Instead of having Sid directly tell Henry about Amari's powers, show Henry's knowledge through his reactions and subtle actions. Use visual cues to build tension and anticipation.
  • Make Amari's transformation more believable by showing him struggling with the change. He could even resist it, adding layers to his character and making his transformation more impactful.
  • End the scene with a more dramatic and impactful moment. Perhaps show Amari overpowering the goons, further emphasizing his new strength and adding to the scene's action.
  • Consider adding a visual element like a specific object or symbol that foreshadows or symbolizes Amari's transformation, creating a more powerful and evocative scene.



Scene 36 -  Blood and Fury: A Night of Violence
INT. KESSLER HOME - NIGHT
Kessler hands shake as he pours himself a drink. His bags
still at his feet. Mateo enters the room, his eyes fixed.
KESSLER
Why are you not in Atlanta? Where’s
Amari?
MATEO
We have a problem.
CUT TO:

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
Reeves sits at her desk going through case files when her
phone buzzes.
REEVES
(Phone text)
You will need help.
Reeves types back.
REEVES (CONT'D)
(Phone text)
Make the call?
Reeves's eyes shift.
The desk phone rings. Thompson answers.
ANONYMOUS CALLER
There's a dog fight happening at
warehouse 771 tonight. Thought you
might want to know.
88.

Thompson's attention is grabbed by the information. He jots
down notes frantically.
THOMPSON
(grateful)
Thank you for the tip. What's your
name?
The caller hangs up.
CUT TO:

INT. SID'S WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Amari, badly bruised and wounded, holds Nikki's severely
injured head in his lap.
AMARI
(teary-eyed)
Nikki, hold on.
Nikki, her breathing heavy and labored, musters the strength
to speak through the pain.
NIKKI
(weakly)
I love you, Amari.
She places her hand on his chest. Amari’s heart sinks as he
feels the weight of the moment.
AMARI
(desperate)
Nikki, I can save you.
Nikki places a hand on Amari’s face.
NIKKI
(softly)
No... Save Javier.
The light fades from her eyes, Amari screams in anguish,
holding her tightly.
CUT TO:

EXT. FLASHBACK ANDREWS HOME - DAY
Amari runs to the bottom of the stairs, where his father is
screaming for help as Amari’s mother lays lifeless in his
arms.
89.

END FLASHBACK.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. PRESENT WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Glass shatters above Amari. Mateo and Kessler, in werewolf
form, crash through the roof of the warehouse. Gunshots ring
out as Sid's goons fire at the fast-moving werewolves.
The raid squad, led by Reeves and Thompson, storms in,
engaging in a fierce firefight with the criminals.
CUT TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - CONTINUOUS
Sid lays motionless on the bed, the nurse checks his pulse,
her eyes widen. His bruises from sickle cell begin to fade;
gunshots and screams echo from outside the door.
He moans in pain. His fingers and hands, once tightly curved,
begin to straighten. His eyes blink as he regains
consciousness.
GINO
(nervous)
Boss, the police are here. We need
to move.
Sid yells in pain, his body contorts, healing itself.
SID
(Painfully)
Get rid of the kid, I'll handle his
brother.
Gino and Tony move toward the door. Sid sits upright.
NURSE
Don’t move so soon. Your body is
healing. It’s remarkable.
Sid looks over his hands and arms, his newfound strength
showing in his hands and face. He tries to stand, but his
legs shake; he takes hold of the Nurse’s shoulder.
NURSE (CONT'D)
Slow down...
SID
I don’t have that time.
90.

Sid takes the nurse by the neck, with one hand.
SID (CONT'D)
Unfortunately, neither do you.
Sid stands and cracks his stiff bones, lifts the woman up in
the air, snaps her neck, and drops her body to the floor.,
takes off his shirt, and checks himself out in the mirror.
Sid takes a knife from the table, he slowly slices into his
arm, and painfully watches as the wound closes back.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Amidst a tense atmosphere of grief and impending danger, Amari mourns the loss of Nikki while a fierce battle erupts in a warehouse. Police respond to an anonymous tip about a dog fight, only to find themselves in the middle of a gunfight with Sid's goons. Meanwhile, Kessler and Mateo, transformed into werewolves, burst through the warehouse roof to engage in a brutal clash. As the chaos unfolds, a horrifying discovery is made: Sid, the ruthless antagonist, possesses a supernatural ability to heal rapidly, setting the stage for a chilling confrontation with Amari's brother.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or violent for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a good balance of action, emotion, and suspense. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and sets up a compelling conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, crime, and redemption is well-executed in the scene. It introduces intriguing elements and sets up future developments.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple storylines converging in a high-stakes confrontation. It keeps the audience invested and eager to see how it unfolds.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural abilities and explores complex themes of sacrifice and redemption. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and face internal and external conflicts. Their relationships and motivations drive the scene forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in their actions and decisions. These changes propel the story forward and add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to save Nikki and confront his past trauma related to his mother's death. This reflects his deep desire to protect those he cares about and his struggle with loss and guilt.

External Goal: 7.5

Amari's external goal is to rescue his brother and stop the criminal activities at the warehouse. This goal reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with intense conflicts, both physical and emotional, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and obstacles that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The outcome of the confrontation will have a significant impact on the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and revelations that set up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' choices and the escalating conflicts. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the choices characters make in moments of crisis. Amari's dilemma between saving Nikki or Javier reflects his values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially during the tragic moments and the characters' sacrifices. It creates a powerful connection with the viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions. It enhances the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and intense action sequences. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains the tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise and descriptive action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear transitions between different locations and characters. It maintains the tension and momentum of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and a bit disjointed. It jumps around between different locations and characters without giving enough time to fully absorb the emotional weight of each moment.
  • The transition from Amari's emotional breakdown over Nikki's death to the warehouse action feels jarring. A smoother transition could be achieved by showing Amari's immediate reaction to Nikki's death, perhaps a moment of stunned silence before the arrival of Mateo and Kessler.
  • The raid scene feels a bit generic and lacks visual and emotional impact. It's important to convey the intensity and chaos of the situation without getting bogged down in too much action description. Focus on key moments that highlight the characters' emotions and the danger of the situation.
  • The dialogue in the lab scene is a bit clunky and doesn't contribute much to the scene's overall tension. Instead of telling us that Sid is recovering, show it through his actions and the reactions of the other characters. For example, the nurse's shocked expression at his healing would be more impactful than just stating it.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Sid's transformation. The ending feels a bit anticlimactic, and it would be beneficial to show the impact of Sid's transformation on the characters around him. What is the immediate reaction of the goons? What is Amari's reaction to seeing Sid transformed?
Suggestions
  • Consider using a single location for the scene, focusing on Amari's grief and the arrival of Mateo and Kessler. This would create a more emotionally impactful scene.
  • Instead of relying on action descriptions, show the raid scene through the eyes of the characters. Focus on specific actions that highlight the characters' emotions and the intensity of the situation.
  • Show Sid's recovery through his actions and the reactions of the other characters instead of relying on exposition. Use visual cues like the nurse's expressions and the way Sid moves to convey his renewed strength.
  • Consider adding a final moment to the scene to emphasize the impact of Sid's transformation. Perhaps show the goons' reaction, or Amari's response to seeing his enemy transformed.
  • Use strong imagery and dialogue to create a more impactful and emotional scene. Focus on the emotional core of the scene and let the action flow naturally from those emotions.



Scene 37 -  Werewolf Hunt: Warehouse Showdown
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A spray of gun shots leaves large holes into the walls of the
warehouse, cement and wood chips sprinkle the air. Kessler
and Mateo rip through goons like butter.
Tony drops his gun after Mateo slashes his wrist, blood
streaming down his arm. Tony bolts at Mateo, who swiftly
takes his head off with one ferocious bite.
Kessler, injured but determined, reaches Amari, who is
devastated, clutching NIKKI's lifeless body. Kessler gently
lays NIKKI down and stands upright in human form. He
reassures Amari, his voice filled with sorrow.
KESSLER
(softly)
Amari, you have to get up --
-- A gun shot. A silver bullet hurls through the air,
piercing Kessler’s heart.
From the adjacent building, Henry looks through the scope of
his rifle, clearing the round with a cold expression.
He takes off towards Henry, who fires another shot that
misses its target before making a run for it.
Mateo bursts through the warehouse windows into the street,
where Detectives Thompson and Reeves, along with a squad of
officers, advance on the warehouse.
Some of the officers, shocked at the sight of the werewolf,
open fire, striking Mateo in his side and sending him flying
into a dark alleyway.
CUT TO:
91.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Amari stumbles through the warehouse, desperately searching
for Javier. He calls out to him. Down a dark, smoke-filled
corridor, Sid's voice emerges from the darkness.
SID
(teasingly)
If you want to save your brother
from holding your dead body, come
and get him.
At that moment, Gino dives towards Amari, who swiftly slices
him across the chest. Gino's body falls to the ground,
lifeless. The smile clears from Sid's face. He holds Javier
by the neck.
AMARI
(angrily)
I thought you were an alpha. But
look at you, hiding behind women
and children. Destroying them,
using them as your excuse to be a
man.
Sid releases Javier and transforms into a werewolf. Amari
follows suit, their fierce fight commencing in the dimly lit
warehouse.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Detectives Thompson and Reeves, accompanied by a team of
officers, enter the building cautiously. The air is thick
with tension and anticipation.
REEVES
(to Thompson)
I'm going after the wolf in the
alley. You take the team and back
up the raid. Be careful, Thompson.
THOMPSON
(nodding)
You too, Reeves. Stay safe.
CUT TO:

EXT. DARK ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Reeves, accompanied by two officers, walks slowly through the
dimly lit alley.
92.

She senses the danger lurking in the shadows. A shot rings
out from the roof top, Reeves turns to the officers.
REEVES
(intense)
Head back to the warehouse and join
the backup team. I'll handle the
situation here.
The officers nod, quickly retreating towards the warehouse.
Reeves takes off her coat and transforms into a powerful
werewolf. She sniffs the air, tracking her target, then leaps
onto a trash can and onto the rooftop.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Amidst the chaos of a burning warehouse, Amari confronts Sid, who is holding Javier captive. Their encounter erupts into a violent fight after Sid transforms into a werewolf. Meanwhile, Detective Reeves pursues another werewolf through a dark alley, eventually transforming into a werewolf herself and taking the chase to the rooftop.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • High stakes and suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some action sequences
  • Limited development of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, emotion, and suspense. The stakes are high, and the conflict is intense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a final showdown between werewolves and their enemies in an abandoned warehouse is executed brilliantly. The addition of detectives and officers adds depth to the scene, creating a multi-layered narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the final confrontation between the protagonists and antagonists. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for the resolution of major conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh take on the werewolf genre, blending elements of action, drama, and suspense in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The audience can empathize with their struggles and root for their success.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their emotional states and motivations. The events of the scene force them to confront their inner demons and make difficult choices.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and save his loved ones, as seen through Kessler's actions to reassure Amari and lay Nikki down gently. This reflects his deeper need for connection and loyalty, as well as his fear of losing those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and defeat the opposing forces, as shown through the intense fight sequences and the arrival of the detectives and officers. This reflects the immediate circumstances of danger and conflict they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted, involving physical battles, emotional struggles, and moral dilemmas. The high stakes and life-threatening situations heighten the tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that raise the tension and uncertainty. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the lives of the characters hanging in the balance. The outcome of the final showdown will have far-reaching consequences for the protagonists and the world they inhabit.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, setting the stage for the resolution of major conflicts and the climax of the narrative. New revelations and developments keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action, as well as the shifting power dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, loyalty, and sacrifice. Amari challenges Sid's cowardice and manipulation, highlighting the contrast between true strength and false bravado.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including sadness, anger, and determination. The emotional depth of the characters and the tragic events that unfold create a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and enhances the emotional depth of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' feelings and motivations, adding to the tension and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action sequences, emotional character interactions, and high stakes drama. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action beats and character interactions driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a lot of action, but it feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. We see Kessler and Mateo ripping through goons, but the violence feels gratuitous and doesn't contribute much to the story.
  • The death of Tony feels anticlimactic. It's a quick, brutal kill that lacks the emotional weight it deserves, given Tony's role as a goon in Sid's gang.
  • Kessler's death feels unearned. He's been a key character throughout the story, and his sudden demise, while a surprise, seems to come out of nowhere.
  • Henry's motivation for killing Kessler is unclear. Why is he targeting Kessler, and what does he gain from his death?
  • The transition to Mateo escaping the warehouse is abrupt. It feels like the scene shifts too quickly from Kessler's death to Mateo's escape. The scene needs a moment to breathe and allow the audience to process what just happened.
  • The dialogue between Sid and Amari is flat. The lines feel forced and don't reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The fight between Sid and Amari feels generic. We've seen this kind of werewolf fight before. It lacks originality and excitement.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. Reeves leaves to track the werewolf, but we don't see her engage in the chase. The scene just ends abruptly.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It's trying to do too much at once, with multiple storylines and conflicts unfolding simultaneously. The scene would be more effective if it focused on a single storyline and conflict.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pace of the action. Give the audience time to process the events unfolding. Show the emotional impact of Kessler's death on Amari and Mateo. Show how this event changes the dynamic of the story.
  • Explore Henry's motivations for killing Kessler. Give him a backstory and a reason for targeting Kessler. This will make his actions more compelling and create a more satisfying conflict.
  • Develop the conflict between Amari and Sid. Explore the reasons for their animosity and the history of their rivalry. This will make their final confrontation more meaningful.
  • Give the fight between Amari and Sid a unique visual style. Highlight their animalistic nature and the ferocity of their battle. This will make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Show Reeves tracking the werewolf. Give the audience a glimpse of the chase and the intensity of the confrontation. This will create a sense of suspense and excitement.



Scene 38 -  Werewolf Showdown and a Pit of Despair
EXT. ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
Reeves lands gracefully on the rooftop, her werewolf form
glistening in the moonlight. She scans the area, her senses
heightened. Her eyes fall upon Mateo, who is shot in the
shoulder, healing slowly.
Reeves approaches Mateo cautiously, her growl low and
threatening. She reaches into the wound and pulls the silver
bullet from his shoulder.
REEVES
(soft)
You need to heal.
Mateo, weak and wounded.
MATEO
(gritted teeth)
He killed my father.
REEVES
I know.
MATEO
(catching his breath)
I need to help Amari.
REEVES
No, you need to heal. I’ll get
Amari. Get to safety.
MATEO
(weakly)
Bring my father’s body home.
93.

Mateo hobbles away.
FADE OUT.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Amari and Sid, both transformed into powerful werewolves,
engage in a fierce and intense battle. They slam each other
through walls, leaving debris in their wake. The room shakes
with the impact of their blows.
They leap from one end of the room to the other, clawing and
biting at each other with primal fury. The fight is brutal
and unforgiving, each refusing to yield.
Bullets fly, creating chaos and destruction. Thompson takes a
shot in the shoulder but grits his teeth and pushes through
the pain, determined to bring the criminals down.
He returns fire with precision and accuracy, taking down the
goons one by one. The room fills with the sound of gunfire
and shouts of desperation.
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Thompson and officers continue the fierce shootout with Sid's
gang. Bullets ricochet off walls, hitting gang members and
two officers. The room is filled with chaos and the smell of
gunpowder.
Thompson, determined and focused, enters a dark room where
Sid and Amari are stalking each other. He moves stealthily,
sneaking up on Amari.
THOMPSON
(commanding)
Freeze, Amari! I know it's you.
Amari freezes, Sid grabs Thompson from behind.
SID
(sinisterly)
Change, or I will kill him.
Reluctantly, Amari changes back into his human form. Sid
throws Thompson into the wall, knocking him out.
94.

SID (CONT'D)
You should've shared your power
with me, Amari. Maybe Javier will
make a better pet.
Dragging Amari by his hair towards the pit. Sid lifts him
over the pit.
Suddenly, Reeves emerges from the darkness, thrusting her
hand into Sid's chest. Shock widens his eyes.
Released from Sid's grip, Amari drags his nails across Sid's
throat.
Blood and Sid's lifeless body falls over into the pit. Amari
falls to his knees, he trembles and slowly transforms back
into his human form, gasping for breath.
REEVES
(concerned)
Are you alright?
AMARI
(tired)
You're a werewolf?
REEVES
I'm a Royal.
Amari looks up at Reeves, an expression of uncertainty
washing over his face.
AMARI
I need to find my little brother.
He is in here.
REEVES
(nods)
Go get him. I will take care of
things here.
Amari limps out of the warehouse, Reeves turns her attention
to Thompson, who is just regaining consciousness.
THOMPSON
(dizzy)
Wolf...
Before Thompson can fully recover, Reeves turns back to her
fully dressed human form.
Police fill the room and rush to the Detectives aid. Two
officers shine their flashlights down a pit, unveiling a pile
of dead dogs.
95.

OFFICER
Jesus...
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In a violent clash within an abandoned warehouse, Amari and Sid, both transformed into werewolves, engage in a brutal battle. As Thompson and his officers arrive, a chaotic shootout ensues with Sid's gang. Sid overpowers Thompson, but Reeves emerges, killing Sid and allowing Amari to escape with an injured Thompson. The scene ends with a chilling discovery: a pit filled with dead dogs, leaving a sense of foreboding for the future.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, emotionally charged, and full of suspense, with a high level of conflict and stakes. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, police investigation, and a fierce battle between supernatural beings and humans is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, with multiple storylines converging in a climactic showdown. It advances the overall narrative and resolves key conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements, intense action sequences, and complex character dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships. Their actions drive the plot forward and add layers to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in their relationships and allegiances. These changes drive the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Reeves' internal goal is to protect Mateo and help him heal, despite his desire for revenge. This reflects her deeper need to care for others and prevent further bloodshed.

External Goal: 9

Reeves' external goal is to defeat Sid and protect Amari. This reflects the immediate challenge of stopping the criminals and ensuring the safety of others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between werewolves, humans, and the police is intense and drives the action forward. The high stakes keep the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with intense battles, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twists that challenge the characters and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with lives on the line, intense battles, and the fate of key characters hanging in the balance. The tension is palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting up new challenges for the characters. It propels the narrative towards the climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, intense conflicts, and character choices that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the choice between seeking revenge and prioritizing healing and protection. Mateo's desire for revenge clashes with Reeves' focus on healing and preventing further violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with moments of loss, betrayal, and redemption. It resonates with the audience and adds depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to reveal character emotions and motivations. It enhances the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and supernatural elements. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the battles.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with emotional beats, creating tension and suspense, and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the action sequences and emotional beats.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a visually striking image of Reeves landing on the rooftop, but it quickly shifts to Mateo, who feels underdeveloped and less compelling than the previous scene's dramatic conclusion.
  • The dialogue between Reeves and Mateo is functional but lacks emotional impact, failing to capture the gravity of their situation.
  • The transition to the warehouse fight feels abrupt and disjointed. The scene would benefit from a smoother transition, perhaps by showing Reeves observing the fight from a distance before intervening.
  • The warehouse fight is visually described but lacks sensory details. The reader can imagine the action but doesn't fully feel the impact of the fight. Adding specific details about sounds, smells, and the feel of the environment would enhance the scene's intensity.
  • The scene relies heavily on action and visual descriptions, leaving little room for character development or emotional depth. This makes the climax feel less impactful and the characters less relatable.
  • The dialogue during the fight is limited, with Thompson's brief command and Sid's threat feeling forced and unnecessary. This could be replaced with more nuanced dialogue that reveals character motivations and relationships.
  • Reeves' sudden appearance and Sid's death feel anticlimactic, leaving the reader with a sense of unresolved tension. The scene could benefit from a more dramatic and satisfying climax.
  • The scene abruptly ends with the police discovering the pit of dead dogs, which feels like an afterthought and undermines the emotional weight of the previous moments.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose and doesn't advance the story significantly. It mainly serves as a visually exciting but ultimately forgettable action sequence.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Reeves observing the fight between Amari and Sid from a distance, showcasing her werewolf abilities and building anticipation for her intervention.
  • Develop Mateo's character by adding more emotional depth and showing his motivation for wanting to help Amari. Highlight his inner conflict about choosing between healing and helping Amari.
  • Focus on the sensory details of the fight, immersing the reader in the chaos and brutality. Describe the sounds of crashing walls, the smell of blood and gunpowder, and the feel of the vibrations from the blows.
  • Use dialogue to reveal the characters' motivations and relationships during the fight. Show Thompson's determination to stop Sid, Amari's struggle against his transformation, and Sid's desperation for power.
  • Create a more dramatic and satisfying climax by emphasizing the emotional stakes of the fight. Show Amari's desperation to save his brother, Reeves' determination to stop Sid, and Sid's final moments of fear and regret.
  • Connect the discovery of the pit of dead dogs to the main conflict of the scene, perhaps by having Reeves find it while searching for Sid or revealing it as a result of Sid's defeat.
  • Ensure that the scene has a clear purpose, either by advancing the plot, developing character relationships, or raising the stakes of the conflict.



Scene 39 -  The Pit of Truth
INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - CONTINUOUS
Amari searches the room, his eyes filled with concern.
AMARI
Javier!
He spots Javier, hiding nervously under a desk.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(softly)
Javier, it's me.
Javier springs out from under a desk. The brother's embrace
in a tight hug.
JAVIER
(excitedly)
Did you see the monster?
Amari gives Javier a reassuring smile, putting a hand on his
shoulder.
AMARI
(whispering)
Yea. He's gone now.
JAVIER
Where's Nikki?
They walk into the room where Nikki's lifeless body lies.
Amari’s expression turns somber.
CUT TO:

EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Amari, shirtless and with Javier by his side, carries Nikki's
body outside. Officers and emergency personnel stand by,
watching in solemn silence.
Amari places her body down on a gurney. Thompson emerges, gun
drawn, pointing at Amari.
THOMPSON
(firmly)
You're under arrest.
96.

Amari looks at Thompson, pain evident in his eyes.
Thompson hesitates for a moment, his gaze meeting Reeves, who
steps forward.
THOMPSON (CONT'D)
(unsure)
I saw you. You are the werewolf.
REEVES
(gently)
Thompson, you hit your head pretty
hard. You may be concussed. Let's
get you checked out by the medical
team,
An officer steps up from inside the warehouse.
OFFICER
Detectives, you got to see this,
there's a pit of bodies and dead
dogs in here.
Thompson pauses, his confusion slowly fading. The weight of
the situation sinks in, and he holsters his gun.
THOMPSON
(softly)
Dead dogs?
REEVES
Tech! Check out my partner please.
FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary After surviving a werewolf attack, Amari and Javier reunite in a warehouse lab, only to discover Nikki's lifeless body. As police officers arrive, Thompson, still recovering from a head injury, mistakes Amari for the werewolf and arrests him. Reeves attempts to reason with Thompson, but their argument is interrupted when an officer announces the gruesome discovery of a pit filled with bodies and dead dogs within the warehouse. The shocking revelation causes Thompson to question his assumption, leading him to lower his gun. The scene ends with a sense of unease, leaving viewers to wonder about the true nature of the werewolf and the events that transpired.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion with multiple character arcs
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and action. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its dark and intense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of werewolves, betrayal, and a final showdown adds depth and intrigue to the scene. It explores themes of loss, family, and the struggle between good and evil.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression towards the final confrontation between the characters. It keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the battle.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique blend of family drama and supernatural elements, with a fresh take on the werewolf trope. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions are palpable, especially in the face of tragedy and conflict. The audience can empathize with their struggles and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships, motivations, and actions. The events of the scene shape their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to protect his brother Javier and deal with the emotional aftermath of finding Nikki's body. This reflects his deeper need for family and safety, as well as his fear of losing loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Amari's external goal is to navigate the situation with the officers and clear his name of being a werewolf. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in being wrongly accused and dealing with the law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral stakes at play. The tension between the characters drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Thompson's accusation creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line, moral dilemmas, and the fate of the characters hanging in the balance. The tension is palpable throughout the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with major revelations, character developments, and the resolution of conflicts. It sets the stage for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with Thompson's perception and the discovery of the pit of bodies in the warehouse.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between truth and perception. Thompson perceives Amari as a werewolf, but Reeves challenges this perception by suggesting Thompson may be concussed and not seeing clearly.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly with the death of a character and the intense battle between werewolves. It leaves a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, adding depth to their interactions and the overall scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, suspenseful atmosphere, and the mystery surrounding the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for emotional moments to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful drama, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • This scene feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. The weight of Nikki's death isn't fully explored, and the focus shifts too quickly to Thompson's confusion.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and expository. Lines like 'You're under arrest' and 'You may be concussed' are too on-the-nose and lack nuance.
  • The reveal about the pit of bodies and dead dogs feels abrupt and unearned. It's a shocking discovery, but it lacks the build-up to make it truly impactful.
  • The scene ends on a weak note. The fade-out feels anticlimactic and doesn't leave the reader with a strong sense of closure or anticipation for what's to come.
  • The scene lacks a clear visual focus. The dialogue and action feel static and don't effectively use the setting or create a sense of tension.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing. Give Amari and Javier more time to process Nikki's death. Show their grief and their reaction to the situation.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and emotionally charged. Explore Thompson's confusion in a subtler way. Let his actions and reactions speak louder than his words.
  • Build tension leading up to the discovery of the pit of bodies. Hint at something sinister happening inside the warehouse, foreshadowing the gruesome discovery.
  • End the scene on a more impactful note. Consider ending on a close-up of Amari's face, showing his grief and resolve, or on a shot of the pit of bodies, creating a sense of dread and uncertainty.
  • Use visuals and action to create a sense of tension and atmosphere. Focus on the setting and characters' reactions to enhance the scene's emotional impact.



Scene 40 -  Aftermath and Revenge
INT. POLICE PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Thompson, with a bandaged arm, Reeves, and the Police Chief
stand behind a podium. Eager Reporters fill the room.
The reporters scribble notes. Reeves steps forward to provide
more details.
THOMPSON
(nodding)
Our raid on the warehouse resulted
in the arrest of several gang
members and the death of crime boss
Sid Austin. We believe this is a
significant blow to their
organization.
97.

REPORTER
Was there a wolf found at the
scene?
REEVES
(focused)
During the raid, we discovered
deceased canines. It appears these
animals were used for fighting and
torture by the gang.
REPORTER
What happened to Mr. Kessler?
THOMPSON
Unfortunately, Mr. Kessler was
killed by the gang, in an act of
revenge for the killing of one
their gang members.
The Police Chief clears her throat and steps forward.
POLICE CHIEF
(sincerely)
I want to commend both Thompson and
Reeves for their relentless efforts
in bringing an end to this
violence. Their hard work and
dedication have made our city
safer.
The reporters applaud and snap pictures.
CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING AREA - DAY
Amari, bruised and tearful, is comforted by Mrs. Andrews.
Javier joins them, seeking solace in their embrace.
MRS. ANDREWS
I'm so blessed, A lot of mothers
have lost their sons in the last
few weeks.
CUT TO:

EXT. DRUG DEALER HOME - DAY
A knock at the apartment door, the mother of killed drug
dealer opens the door.
98.

At the foot of the door is the blue backpack. She opens the
backpack to find it's still filled with cash.
CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - MORGUE - DAY
Mateo stands in the morgue, his expression filled with
sadness. He sadly identifies Kessler's lifeless body. The
weight of loss hangs heavy in the air.
He takes a moment to say a silent goodbye before turning
away, determined to seek justice for his father.
CUT TO:

EXT/INT. KESSLER'S HOUSE - DAY
Two weeks later, Mateo answers the door to find Amari
standing there. They embrace, holding on to each other
tightly.
MATEO
(sincerely)
Kessler named us beneficiaries in
his will, except for the second
house he left for you and your
family. I'm tracking down his
killer and leaving for Mexico
tomorrow.
Amari nods, grateful for Mateo's efforts.
AMARI
(relieved)
Thank you, Mateo. Everything is
squared away with the police.
You're not a suspect anymore.
Mateo reaches into his pocket and pulls out a check and a set
of car keys, placing them in Amari’s hand.
MATEO
(softly)
There's one more thing Kessler left
for you, my friend.
Mateo points to the window, revealing a brand new 900 hp
Dodge Hellcat parked outside.
CUT TO:
99.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama","Action"]

Summary Following the arrest of a major gang and the death of their leader, Sid Austin, police officers Thompson and Reeves are hailed as heroes at a press conference. The event reveals the gang's gruesome practices, including dog fighting and the murder of Mr. Kessler. Meanwhile, Amari grieves Kessler's loss, while Mateo, driven by vengeance, visits Kessler's body at the morgue and announces his plan to hunt down the killer in Mexico. He shares with Amari that Kessler has left them both beneficiaries in his will, and presents her with a new car, a Dodge Hellcat, as a gesture of Kessler's generosity.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling themes
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain plot points may need further clarification

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, drama, and emotion to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The aftermath of the violent confrontation is well-executed, with strong character development and thematic exploration.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking justice, dealing with loss, and finding redemption in the aftermath of a violent confrontation is well-developed and engaging. The scene effectively explores these themes through the characters' actions and emotions.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the aftermath of the confrontation and its impact on the characters. The progression of events is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the unexpected inheritance from Kessler, the revelation of deceased canines used for fighting, and the emotional complexity of seeking justice.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and undergo significant emotional growth. Their interactions and reactions to the events unfolding around them add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in terms of emotional growth and resilience. The events of the confrontation and its aftermath shape their actions and decisions, leading to personal transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice for his father's death and to protect Amari. This reflects his deeper need for closure, revenge, and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to track down his father's killer and leave for Mexico. This reflects the immediate circumstances of seeking justice and closure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with loss, seek justice, and confront their pasts. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 7

The opposition rating is moderate, with challenges and obstacles that add tension and uncertainty to the characters' journeys.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters grapple with loss, seek justice, and confront dangerous situations. The outcome of their actions has significant consequences, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving the aftermath of the confrontation, setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters, and advancing the overall narrative arc. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected inheritance, emotional revelations, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between justice and revenge. Mateo must decide whether to seek justice through legal means or take matters into his own hands.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters deal with loss, seek justice, and find moments of hope and relief. The audience is likely to be moved by the characters' struggles and triumphs.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. It enhances the overall narrative and helps drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and unexpected plot twists.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with plot progression, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • This scene feels rushed and lacks emotional weight. It's primarily a montage of characters dealing with the aftermath, but it doesn't give us enough time to connect with their feelings or motivations.
  • The police press conference feels generic and doesn't add much to the plot. We've already established the outcome of the raid and the events leading up to it, so this scene feels repetitive.
  • The scene jumps between different locations without clear transitions. This creates a disjointed and jarring experience for the reader.
  • The character of the mother of the killed drug dealer is underdeveloped. Her reaction to finding the backpack of cash feels out of place and doesn't add much to her character arc.
  • The dialogue is mostly expository and doesn't reveal much about the characters' inner thoughts or emotions. For example, 'Thank you, Mateo. Everything is squared away with the police.' is a bland statement and doesn't convey Amari's true feelings.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a sense of closure. We don't see Amari's reaction to receiving the car keys, which would provide a stronger emotional payoff.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the events. Show Amari's grief over Nikki's death, Mrs. Andrews' worry, and Mateo's determination to find Kessler's killer. Expand on these emotions with dialogue and actions that reveal their inner turmoil.
  • Consider showing Amari's reaction to the news of Sid's death and Kessler's murder. How does this impact him? Does it bring him any closure?
  • Explore the complexities of the drug dealer's mother's reaction to receiving the cash. What are her thoughts and feelings? Does she feel guilt, anger, or relief?
  • Deepen Mateo's character by showing him grappling with the weight of Kessler's death and the need for vengeance. How does this loss impact his plans for the future?
  • End the scene with a moment that captures the essence of the theme. Show Amari's acceptance of Kessler's legacy, his commitment to his family, or his newfound purpose. This will create a stronger sense of closure and provide a sense of hope for the future.
  • Consider revising the police press conference scene. Instead of a bland summary, perhaps focus on Thompson's internal struggle with his guilt and his realization that he was wrong about Amari. This would provide a stronger emotional impact and highlight the theme of redemption.



Scene 41 -  A New Beginning
INT. HOSPITAL - ICU ROOM - DAY
Reid and Grein, still in ICU beds, Amari is seated between
them.
REID
(weakly)
We've thought it over, Amari.
GREIN
(nodding)
We're not going to be the same
anymore. 80 percent chance I’ll be
blind.
REID
It’s what we want. Let us help.
The twins extend their arms outward, Amari growls, showing
his teeth, accepting their request.
CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Amari and Javier energetically enter the house, where Mrs.
Andrews is wiping down a new kitchen countertop. A faint,
whispering, but dangerous growl can be heard coming from her
direction.
The sound of construction in the background.
AMARI
(grinning)
Hey, Grandma! We're home!
Javier follows closely behind Amari, excitement in his eyes.
Suddenly, Lucky the cat appears, growling menacingly.
AMARI (CONT'D)
(slowly approaching)
Easy, Lucky... It's just us.
MRS. ANDREWS
There are my big strong men. Hey, I
heard someone gave a generous
donation to the elementary school.
AMARI
It will go a long way with helping
to pay for, lunches, field trips
and books.
100.

MRS. ANDREWS
Your mother and father would be so
proud of you.
Mrs. Andrews turns around, revealing a warm smile on her
face. Javier rushes over and affectionally pets Lucky.
Amari walks out the backdoor, through a tarp into the
backyard. A crew of men are working on the house.
Amari walks alongside the home out front where we see the
abandon home under construction and now owned by Amari.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary After accepting Reid and Grein's generous offer to be his donors, Amari returns home with Javier to a warm welcome from Mrs. Andrews. Amari shares the news of his donation to the elementary school, earning praise from Mrs. Andrews, who reminds him of his parents' pride. The scene ends on a hopeful note with Amari watching the construction crew working on his new home, symbolizing a fresh start and a brighter future.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel rushed
  • Pacing could be improved in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends emotional depth with intense action, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The resolution of conflicts and the character development add depth to the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family reconciliation and personal growth in the face of danger is well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of redemption and healing, adding layers to the characters' arcs.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and well-paced, with a good balance of emotional moments and action sequences. The resolution of conflicts and the revelation of past traumas add depth to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique challenges and emotional dynamics within the family, making it stand out from typical family drama scenes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant growth throughout the scene. Their relationships and interactions drive the emotional core of the narrative, making the audience invested in their journeys.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, from reconciling with past traumas to embracing new beginnings. Their growth and development add depth to the narrative, driving the story forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to accept the changes and challenges they are facing and to show strength and unity with their family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to adjust to their new circumstances and show resilience in the face of adversity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward. The tension between characters, the danger they face, and the emotional stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal struggles and external challenges, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high, with characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and the need for redemption. The outcome of the conflicts and the characters' choices have significant consequences, raising the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, revealing new information, and setting up future events. It advances the character arcs and plot developments, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and emotional reactions from the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the characters coming to terms with their new reality and finding a way to move forward despite the challenges they face.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and tension to hope and warmth. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. It enhances the relationships and conflicts within the scene, adding depth to the storytelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional dialogue, tense atmosphere, and the family dynamics at play.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a transition between the hospital and the kitchen, effectively setting up the family dynamic and challenges.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between multiple locations and characters without a strong narrative drive.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters' inner thoughts or feelings. The exchange about the donation to the elementary school feels forced and doesn't contribute significantly to the scene's purpose.
  • The 'whispering growl' from Mrs. Andrews feels like a cheap attempt at suspense and doesn't make sense in the context of the scene. It's unclear what she's actually growling at or what the purpose of this sound effect is.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Amari walking out of the house. There's no resolution or emotional payoff for the audience. It feels like the scene is simply stopping instead of ending.
  • The use of 'CUT TO:' is unnecessary and can be replaced with clearer scene headings. For example, 'INT. KITCHEN - DAY' can be used to indicate a new scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single character's perspective and explore their emotions and motivations. This could be Amari's joy at returning home, Javier's excitement, or Mrs. Andrews' anxieties about the changes.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters. For instance, what are their hopes and fears for the future? How do they feel about the new house? How is Javier coping with the recent events?
  • Remove the unnecessary growl from Mrs. Andrews. If you want to suggest suspense, find a more subtle and believable way to achieve it.
  • Provide a sense of closure or emotional payoff. Perhaps Amari reflects on the changes in his life, or Javier expresses his feelings about having a new home.
  • Use clear scene headings instead of 'CUT TO:' to indicate transitions between scenes.



Scene 42 -  The Destroyer's Arrival
INT. CAR REPAIR SHOP - DAY
Amari, Reid (with a purple eye and one Green), and Grein (now
with a brown eye and one Green) are hanging a new flat screen
television on the wall.
Reeves pulls up in a small, fancy car.
AMARI
(excitedly)
Reeves! Good to see you.
REEVES
(smirking)
Amari. Just checking in.
Amari cleans his hands and hugs the Detective.
Reeves pauses for a moment, a small mischievous glint in her
eye.
REEVES (CONT'D)
(teasingly)
I do have a surprise for you guys.
She walks back to her car, opens the door, and The Destroyer,
hops out and runs excitedly towards them.
AMARI, REID, AND GREIN
(grinning, in unison)
The Destroyer!
They all gather around the dog, showering him with affection.
CUT TO:
101.

INT. ANIMAL SHELTER - MORGUE - NIGHT
An employee places the bodies of deceased canines into a
furnace. He walks out of the room to retrieve another body.
Unbeknownst to him, Sid's body is also lying on the table,
identified a dog.
Suddenly, Sid's eyes snap open, and he transforms back into a
human. A wicked smile spreads across his face. He takes the
man by the throat and swiftly exits, wearing the attendant's
clothes.
CUT TO:

INT. MEXICO CARTEL COMPOUND - NIGHT
Gun shots fill the air, men yelling in Spanish, then their
screams echo through the compound. The growl and howl of a
large werewolf strikes fear in the hearts of men.
They continue to fire into the dark corners of the building
and into the air, bullets open holes all around them.
Henry runs through the corridor, into a bedroom and closes
the door, but Mateo is on his trail.
HENRY
(Pleading)
They paid me to kill him.
The compound goes quiet. Henry shifts his attention to above
him, suddenly a body crashes through the wall.
HENRY (CONT'D)
(Scared)
Barcelona! That's all I know.
Standing tall and ferocious, Mateo glares down at Henry.
Outside, the screams from Henry echo in the air.
CUT TO:

EXT. AMARI’S REPAIR SHOP - NIGHT
Amari closes the door on the shop. With Reid and Grein stand
close by watching over The Destroyer, Amari approaches.
GREIN
So, what do we do now?
102.

AMARI
(stoic)
We help.
The sound of gun shots and police sirens in the background,
Amari smiles, his eyes turn bright yellow.
The end.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary The scene opens with Amari, Reid, and Grein enjoying a new television in their car repair shop, until Reeves arrives with a surprise: a dog named The Destroyer. Meanwhile, in an animal shelter morgue, Sid, who was previously killed and transformed into a dog, reverts to human form, killing an employee and escaping. At a Mexican cartel compound, Henry, who was hired to kill Mateo, begs for his life as Mateo crashes through the ceiling. The scene ends with Amari, Reid, and Grein hearing gunshots and sirens outside their shop, and Amari's yellow eyes suggest he's ready to intervene.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Twists and surprises in the plot
Weaknesses
  • Slightly convoluted plot with multiple subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, suspense, and emotional depth. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with intense conflicts and unexpected twists.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of werewolves, gang warfare, and betrayal is well-executed, adding layers of complexity to the story. The resurrection of Sid adds a new dimension of danger and intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and full of twists and turns, keeping the audience hooked from start to finish. The resolution of conflicts and the revelation of new challenges drive the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as werewolves, criminal organizations, and loyalty dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with each facing personal struggles and making difficult choices. Their interactions and emotional arcs add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes, facing betrayal, loss, and redemption, which shapes their arcs and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Amari's internal goal in this scene is to protect his friends and maintain a sense of loyalty and duty. His deeper needs, fears, and desires revolve around his relationships with his friends and his sense of responsibility.

External Goal: 7.5

Amari's external goal in this scene is to deal with the surprise brought by Detective Reeves and to navigate the dangerous situation with the werewolf Mateo and the criminal organization.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high-stakes conflicts, both physical and emotional, driving the tension and drama to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing dangerous situations and conflicting loyalties. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable events.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line, betrayals revealed, and the fate of the characters hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with major revelations, conflicts, and resolutions, setting the stage for the final act of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the werewolf attack and the revelation of Henry's betrayal.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Amari must balance his loyalty to his friends with the danger they face from external threats.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and sadness to determination and resolve, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It enhances the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mix of action, emotion, and supernatural elements. The tension and loyalty among the characters draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with emotional moments, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacking in emotional impact. It's a bit jarring to jump from the climax of the previous scene to a new location and several new storylines, leaving very little room for the audience to process the events that just occurred.
  • The introduction of Reeves's surprise feels somewhat forced and unnecessary. While it's meant to be a lighthearted moment after the intensity of the previous scene, it doesn't quite land as well as it could. It may be better to develop the connection between Amari and Reeves in previous scenes to make this moment feel more natural.
  • The scene involving Sid's resurrection in the animal shelter morgue lacks tension and suspense. It's a bit cliché, and the transition between the morgue and the cartel compound feels abrupt. It would be more engaging to explore the emotional and psychological impact of Sid's return on the characters.
  • The scene in the cartel compound feels generic and relies heavily on tropes. The action sequences, while visually exciting, lack depth and emotional resonance. Consider showcasing Mateo's motivations and the consequences of his actions, and explore the complexities of the cartel world instead of relying on generic tropes.
  • The ending feels somewhat abrupt and unresolved. It would be more satisfying to show Amari taking action based on the events that unfolded, perhaps confronting the cartel or dealing with the aftermath of the previous scene's battles.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a scene that bridges the gap between the warehouse climax and the beginning of this scene. This could focus on Amari's emotional state, his grief over Nikki, or the aftermath of the fight with Sid.
  • Develop the relationship between Amari and Reeves throughout the script to create a stronger connection between them, making the surprise feel more meaningful.
  • Explore the psychological and emotional aspects of Sid's transformation and return. What motivates him? How does his return affect the other characters? This can add layers of complexity and intrigue to the story.
  • Focus on developing the characters in the cartel compound scene. Why is Mateo pursuing Henry? What is the significance of the cartel compound to the overall story? This will make the scene more engaging and meaningful.
  • Consider adding a scene where Amari responds to the sound of gunshots and sirens. This could showcase his new abilities and set up a potential confrontation with the cartel or other threats. This would provide a more satisfying and impactful conclusion.