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Scene 1 -  Dance of Fire
INT. TWO-PERSON TENT - NIGHT

On OLLIE (24). A mind racing. Body, lean and dirty. Alone
in this tent, Ollie opens blood shot eyes. They literally
bounce to the beat of the music breaking through.

Ollie looks to the entrance of his tent, to the BARE FEET
SHUFFLING TO THE BEAT. His gaze rises to a shadow with
long hair. Swaying in rhythm.

The shadow moves position. Ollie flickers in the light,
the shadow returning him to darkness.

He flops sideways, his eyes passing over white. He uses a
hand to route under a sleeping bag. He finds the pack of
cigarettes. Lights one up.

OLLIE
(to himself)
How does she move like that?

Ollie finishes his cigarette after one drag. Flicks the
butt on a sleeping bag. It still smokes.

The tent opening, the shadow forming, crouching into the
entrance. MADS (24). A blonde beauty, with deep ocean
blue eyes.

MADS
Ollie, dance with me?

Ollie nods. He takes Mads’ hand, follows her outside.

The cigarette butt smokes... then the sleeping bag
catches fire. The small fire burns bright.


EXT. FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Ollie holds Mads tight. Their tent burns, a bright orange
fluorescent. The two lovers don’t notice.

Across the field-



(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:

Through a makeshift FESTIVAL. Caravan after caravan, more
tents, dodgems, a waltzer. Neon lights. The centrepiece,
a FERRIS WHEEL racing towards the stars.

HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE. Dirty, relentless colour, sweat.

We MOVE THROUGH THIS WORLD, a field, dense woodland
surrounding this green patch of the countryside. Caravans
with parties raging on inside.

Staggering bodies, the amusement rides whip and stutter
through. Fires burn high, crackling and spitting.

Some HORSES sit in a pen. GYPSY MEN operate the rides,
pushing buttons. Collecting money.

A gazebo is dark, strobe lighting revealing a DJ
delivering a set. Cannabis smoke seeps every which way
across the grass. Life piled on life.

CUT TO:


BASS PUMPING FROM THE BOOT OF A HATCHBACK - DAY

The speakers THUMP. Ollie takes the vibrations. Now we
get a good look at him. Stories living beneath harsh fake
blonde hair. His T-shirt jumps, bass brutalising him.

He’s a body among FIFTEEN YOUNG MEN watching the scene in
front of them. WIDER-
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Mystery"]

Summary At a bustling festival, a young man named Ollie, drawn by the music, wakes up in his tent and observes Mads, a woman with whom he shares a close connection, dancing outside. After sharing a cigarette, Mads invites Ollie to join her. He accepts, leaving his cigarette butt behind. As they dance, the discarded cigarette ignites their sleeping bag, quickly engulfing the tent in flames. The scene ends with a wide shot of the festival, highlighting the carefree energy that contrasts with the sudden danger introduced by the fire.
Strengths
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Romantic tension
  • Unexpected twist
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Plot could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and romantic tone while introducing conflict with the tent fire, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a romantic encounter at a festival with a hint of danger is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces conflict with the tent fire and sets up the relationship between Ollie and Mads, but could benefit from further development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and immersive setting of a festival in the countryside, with unique cultural elements and sensory details that enhance the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue. The burning tent adds a layer of tension and symbolism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ollie and Mads are intriguing characters with a strong connection, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie experiences a change in perspective as he is drawn to Mads and the tent fire, hinting at character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Mads and escape the reality of his surroundings. His desire for companionship and escape from his current situation is reflected in his willingness to dance with Mads and ignore the burning tent.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to enjoy the festival and immerse himself in the music and atmosphere. He is seeking temporary relief from his troubles and the monotony of his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict of the tent fire adds tension to the scene, but could be further developed.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ollie is faced with conflicting desires and challenges that test his resolve and decision-making. The burning tent serves as a physical obstacle that adds complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate with the tent fire, but could be heightened for increased tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the relationship between Ollie and Mads and the conflict of the tent fire.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events with the burning tent and the introduction of new characters and elements in the festival setting. The reader is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of escapism and reality. Ollie is torn between indulging in the festival's distractions and facing the consequences of his actions, as symbolized by the burning tent.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes curiosity, longing, and passion in the audience, creating an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the romantic tension between Ollie and Mads, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its vivid descriptions, sensory details, and the tension created by the burning tent. The dynamic interactions between the characters and the chaotic atmosphere of the festival keep the reader invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to the climax of the burning tent. The rhythm of the scene mirrors the chaotic and frenetic atmosphere of the festival setting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the sensory details and visual elements of the festival setting, enhancing the reader's immersion in the world of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a well-paced progression of events that build tension and intrigue. The formatting effectively conveys the chaotic and vibrant atmosphere of the festival setting.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with an intriguing visual of Ollie waking up to the rhythm of the music. The descriptions of his physical appearance and the details of his surroundings paint a vivid picture.
  • The introduction of Mads as a shadow, then a silhouette, is an interesting way to build suspense and intrigue. However, the dialogue between them is a bit clunky, with the line 'How does she move like that?' feeling forced and out of character.
  • The fire starting from the discarded cigarette butt feels a bit contrived and unrealistic. It also feels like a sudden escalation of the situation, without much foreshadowing or build-up.
  • The transition to the EXT. FIELD - CONTINUOUS is a bit abrupt. It might be helpful to include a more gradual transition, perhaps through a close-up shot of the flames engulfing the tent, before moving to the wider shot of the festival.
  • The description of the festival is a bit overwhelming, with too much information crammed into a short space. It's difficult for the reader to get a clear picture of the scene. Consider breaking down the information into smaller chunks or focusing on key elements that will drive the story forward.
  • The scene ends abruptly with a CUT TO: and a transition to a different scene. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and wanting to know more about what happens next. Consider ending the scene with a stronger closure, such as a close-up shot of Ollie's face as he watches the burning tent, or a reaction shot from Mads.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or conflict. While the fire is a significant event, it doesn't feel like it has any lasting impact on the story. It feels like a plot device rather than an organic element of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider replacing the 'How does she move like that?' line with a more subtle and revealing observation about Mads's dancing. For example, 'She moves like the wind, free and wild.'
  • Develop the relationship between Ollie and Mads more subtly. Show their connection through their actions and reactions, rather than relying on dialogue. For example, instead of directly stating 'How does she move like that?', show Ollie mesmerized by her movements.
  • Explore the fire scene more organically. Perhaps Mads notices the smoke first, and her reaction triggers a sense of urgency in Ollie. This would create a more believable and emotional sequence.
  • Break down the description of the festival into smaller, more focused descriptions. Focus on the key elements that will impact the story, such as the Ferris wheel, the horses, and the DJ booth. This will allow the reader to engage more effectively with the scene.
  • Consider using more sensory details to bring the festival to life. Describe the smells, sounds, and textures of the environment. This will create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • End the scene with a stronger closure. Show the impact of the fire on Ollie and Mads. Perhaps they are momentarily stunned by the flames, or they embrace as they watch their tent burn. This will create a stronger sense of closure and leave the reader eager to see what happens next.



Scene 2 -  Overdose in the Field
EXT. FIELD - DAY

A GYPSY tinkers with the radio in the front of his beat-
to-shit-three-door. He turns the knob. Ollie takes the
shattering bass. Sweat freezes on his temples.

The revellers are standing to attention. Subjecting
themselves to this abuse of senses. More of the MEN IN
TRACKSUITS sit on the car bonnet, smoking weed. One of
the men watches Ollie through the open boot.

GYPSY MAN 1
(Irish)
Who’s da kid?

The Gypsy riding shotgun follows his buddies gaze.

GYPSY MAN 2
Don’t know yet.

The SECOND GYPSY MAN rounds the car. Closer to Ollie.


(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:

GYPSY MAN 2
Bet you never t’ought you could
see sound!?

The second Gypsy Man leans inside his car, turns the knob
on the radio. A small stream of blood escapes Ollie’s
ear. He wipes it, rubbing red between his thumb and
fingers.


INT. CARAVAN - DAY

Ollie, alone in this gutted caravan. A stained mattress
equips the brown slush of a room. His red eyes strain
focus on the PACKET on his lap.

Ollie takes out his library card, separating the COCAINE
into small lines.

He places his face over the lines. Hesitates. Then
inhales all of it... his system kicking back gram after
gram.

He flops his head over the tray, knocks it to the floor.
Collapses sideways. Ollie crawls to the wall, props
himself. His jeans tarred in thick brown mud.

Then he opens his eyes. Piercing white sunshine. He yanks
his hoodie over his head. Curls up into the fetal
position.


INT. SAME CARAVAN - LATER

The door to the caravan opens. But nobody is there, just
the cold outside air.

Ollie crawls on his hands and knees. He reaches the door
but misses the hinges, toppling halfway down the steps so
half his body is in and half out the caravan.

He labours onto his back, looking up at a beautiful blue
sky.

CUT TO:


NIGHT TIME

Ollie in the same position. His eyes flicker open as he
shivers awake. His mouth drools, frothing white.




(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:

Looking to the night sky, to the aligned stars forming a
new shape. They build a mosaic. The face of an ELDERLY
WOMAN appears.

Ollie smiles. Tears form in his eyes as he reaches out. A
struggle to hold the stars, so he focuses the attention
to the tree of life tattoo that appears on his forearm.
The leaves crawl up to his neck, suffocating.

Ollie VOMITS HARD. The vomit sprays to the sky, coming
back down to land on his face. He screams, his face
bloated and red.

He turns his head, his hair now resting in his acidic
vomit.

A TRAVELLER stands, watching. This is BENNY, 30. A member
of the traveller community, another gypsy. He waits in
the shadows.

BENNY
(Irish)
I seen somebody paint the whole
inside of their bedroom in dat
shit. That was really impressive.

Ollie takes a deep breath.

BENNY
I bet I could kill a horse with
dat.

Benny makes his way over to Ollie. He crouches over,
looking deeper into Ollie’s dilated pupils.

BENNY
I can see some of you left in
there.

Benny slaps Ollie on the cheek. Yanks Ollie’s head so he
can dribble vomit.

BENNY
Lets not die tonight.

Benny opens Ollie’s mouth, turns his body sideways. The
recovery position. Human, not just a voice in the dark.

Ollie gets a final look then passes out. His face buried
back in the dirt. The sweat pours profusely from his
body. He coughs dirty oxygen back out of his lungs.
5.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, a young man battling drug addiction, is tormented by loud music from a car driven by a group of men, some of whom are Gypsy men. The music is so intense that it causes Ollie to bleed from his ear. Later, alone in a caravan, he consumes a large amount of cocaine, leading to an overdose and unconsciousness. He wakes up shivering and vomiting outside the caravan, his condition noticed by a Traveller named Benny, who puts him in the recovery position, suggesting a potential turning point in his struggle.
Strengths
  • Raw and impactful dialogue
  • Intense and dark tone
  • Powerful emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic and disturbing imagery may be unsettling for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is powerful in its portrayal of the protagonist's inner turmoil and self-destructive behavior, creating a sense of unease and despair that lingers with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the depths of drug addiction and self-destruction is effectively executed, drawing the audience into the protagonist's harrowing experience.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the protagonist's downward spiral into addiction and despair, effectively conveying the consequences of his choices.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and unapologetic look at addiction and self-destruction, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the harsh reality of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the protagonist Ollie and Benny, are well-developed and contribute to the dark and intense atmosphere of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant change as he spirals deeper into addiction and despair, showcasing the destructive nature of his choices.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to escape his reality through drug use, seeking relief from his inner turmoil and pain.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to survive the night and avoid any harm or danger from the people around him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within the protagonist and the external conflict with his environment create a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing physical and emotional challenges that threaten his survival, creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of addiction, self-destruction, and potential redemption heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the protagonist's journey and sets the stage for further exploration of his struggles and redemption.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in Ollie's journey, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between self-destruction and self-preservation. Ollie's actions reflect his internal battle between giving in to his destructive tendencies and fighting to survive.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of despair, fear, and hopelessness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is raw and impactful, reflecting the inner struggles and desperation of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, drawing the audience into Ollie's desperate struggle for survival.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Ollie's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the escalating tension and danger faced by the protagonist, following a logical progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a jarring and unclear beginning. The opening line, "A GYPSY tinkers with the radio in the front of his beat-to-shit-three-door" feels overly descriptive and doesn't immediately establish the context or tension of the scene. It's unclear why Ollie is being subjected to loud music, what the Gypsy men's intentions are, or what kind of threat they pose. The scene feels rushed, as if it's just hitting plot points without fully engaging the reader.
  • The scene lacks visual clarity and a clear sense of place. While it states "EXT. FIELD - DAY," it doesn't fully convey the setting or environment. The reader is left with a vague impression of a field, but the details are lacking. This lack of visual clarity makes it difficult for the reader to immerse themselves in the scene.
  • The characters are introduced in a way that feels generic and not fully developed. We are told that Ollie is being subjected to "abuse of senses," but the scene doesn't show it. The Gypsy men are simply referred to as "men in tracksuits" and their motivations aren't clear. There's little to connect the reader to these characters.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and narration, rather than showing the action. The writer uses lines like "The Gypsy riding shotgun follows his buddies gaze" and "A small stream of blood escapes Ollie’s ear. He wipes it, rubbing red between his thumb and fingers." This approach distances the reader from the scene and makes it less engaging.
  • The scene transitions abruptly to the interior of the caravan, without a clear sense of time or space. The reader is left wondering how Ollie got there and what transpired in the time between the field scene and the caravan scene.
  • The scene becomes overly focused on describing Ollie's drug use, which feels repetitive and doesn't serve the narrative purpose. The use of words like "slush of a room" and "tarred in thick brown mud" feels overly descriptive and can be distracting.
  • The dialogue in the scene is mostly functional and doesn't contribute to character development or build tension. Lines like "I seen somebody paint the whole inside of their bedroom in dat shit" and "I bet I could kill a horse with dat" don't add much to the scene and sound more like narration than real dialogue.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and doesn't provide a sense of closure or anticipation for what's to come. The arrival of Benny, while seemingly important, doesn't feel organically connected to the previous events.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a stronger hook. Perhaps show Ollie already in a state of distress, reacting to the music in a more visceral way. What is he escaping? Is he being targeted by the men in tracksuits?
  • Provide more visual details about the setting. Describe the field, the caravan, and the surrounding environment in a way that immerses the reader in the scene.
  • Develop the characters beyond their superficial descriptions. Explore their motivations and backstories. Give them more specific dialogue and actions.
  • Show the action rather than telling it. Avoid narration and focus on using dialogue and visuals to convey the scene's events.
  • Create a smoother transition between the field scene and the caravan scene. Consider using a scene break, establishing a time jump, or showing Ollie's journey to the caravan.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of Ollie's drug use rather than just describing the act. Show how the drugs affect him physically and mentally, and explore his internal conflict.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Give the characters distinct voices and make their dialogue serve a purpose.
  • End the scene with a strong visual or a cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more. For instance, show Benny's reaction to Ollie's overdose, or hint at the potential consequences of his actions.



Scene 3 -  The Shopkeeper's Standoff
INT. OLLIE’S TENT - EARLY MORNING

The first light illuminating the air. Ollie rolls over,
shivers in the damp morning air, greasy hair glued to his
face. Empty space beside him.


EXT. FIELD - DAY

A moment of emptiness. Then the first of the CONVOY OF
CARS. It SMASHES THROUGH THE GATE, over the cattle grid.
Following behind are a consortium of caravans and
trailers. Beat-to-shit campers. Graffiti, hippie.

They race in, doughnut... smoke rising. Churning tyres.
Reckless and free, gypsy men hang from the windows. One
of them is Benny.

Then the lorries enter. Fairground amusement rides in-
tow. The convoy stops, engines idle. Benny leaves his
van, surveys the surroundings.

BENNY
This is it.

The engines turn off one by one.


EXT. VILLAGE - DAY

Quiet and quaint. Tiny houses with low ceilings and small
driveways to hold 4x4’s. And passing these buildings--
Ollie.

He approaches the VILLAGE STORE. Notes the horse and cart
waiting outside.


INT. VILLAGE STORE - CONTINUOUS

That RINGING BELL as the door opens. Ollie nods to the
SHOPKEEPER, a burly man. Then heads to the first aisle.

He ponders the options, looks to big multi-pack crisps
and cans of drink. He removes a couple of notes from his
pocket, fingering them in his palm.

The Shopkeeper watches from the cash register. He returns
to his word search. Circles the word THIEF.

Ollie carries a basket, fills it with some snacks and
fizzy drinks. He takes the last bottle from a shelf,
revealing Benny in the opposite aisle.



(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:

Ollie peers closer, watching Benny pocket some chocolate
bars and a small jar of baking soda.

Ollie looks to his own basket, considers. Then he looks
up... to Benny, his head wedged between the shelves,
looking straight back at him.

BENNY
I see you.

Hesitation.

OLLIE
I see you.

BENNY
Shh. I take what I want, unwritten
rule I got with the owner.

Ollie is still, unblinking.

Benny takes a moment. Takes his head from between the
gap.

BENNY
I seen you in the field. I saw you
at the back. I know what I’m
seein’.

Off-screen the RINGING BELL signals someone else enters.
Ollie looks to the end of his aisle... MADS (23) crossing
past his view.

OLLIE
I like the outdoors.

BENNY
You like de outdoors, you would
have packed proper. You’ve not got
any gear. I can’t help you with
the camping kind, but if you
needed de other... I could make
your life a real problem now that
I know you’re a person with
nowhere to be. How old are ya?

OLLIE
For what?

BENNY
Everythin’
(beat)
I seen your face before.



(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED: (2)

Benny winks. Ollie ignores, looks down his aisle to the
cash register. The Shopkeeper has gone.

Benny returns to his shoplifting, filling inside pockets
of his jacket.

Then the Shopkeeper is watching Benny from the end of his
aisle. Benny pushes the baking soda deeper into his
pocket.

SHOPKEEPER
Put it back. All of it.

BENNY
Fair enough. Not the first time
I’ve been caught.

SHOPKEEPER
I gave you the benefit of the
doubt when I saw you and your
horse pull up. I don’t usually
serve your type.

BENNY
My type? Do you mean ma family?

Benny slowly removes a handgun from his jacket pocket. A
SMALL REVOLVER. Benny places the barrel on the
Shopkeeper’s chest. Then-

CUT TO:


OLLIE

Looking down his aisle at the cash register. The
Shopkeeper safe behind the till. Benny staring at him
through the stock.

BENNY
Daydreamer.
(beat)
Where did you say you were from?

Ollie takes more stock from the shelf, loads up his
basket. The RINGING BELL sounds off-screen as someone
leaves the store.

BENNY
I’ll see you on the outside.

The bell sounds once more as Benny exits. Ollie
approaches the Shopkeeper.



(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:

Rests his basket, unpacking slowly. The Shopkeeper scans
the items, his eyes on Ollie the entire time.

SHOPKEEPER
I know he’s your friend...

Ollie counts the shrapnel in his palm. The price on the
display rises.

SHOPKEEPER
What’s his name?
(beat)
I know you don't want to drop him
in it...

OLLIE
I don’t know him.

Ollie keeps his eyes on his money. He concentrates,
flicking his eyes to the rising price.

SHOPKEEPER
I’ll show the CCTV to the police.

Ollie pauses. Considers. Carries on counting his change.

OLLIE
I don’t know him.

SHOPKEEPER
They might want a statement.

The Shopkeeper scans the last packet of crisps.

SHOPKEEPER
7-80

Ollie stretches out his hand. Opens his palm. The
Shopkeeper takes the coins. Ollie snatches his items and
leaves. The RINGING BELL takes us to-
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie arrives in a small village with a convoy led by the menacing Benny. While Ollie buys snacks in the village store, Benny attempts to shoplift, only to be caught by the shopkeeper. The tense standoff ends with Benny backing down after the shopkeeper pulls a gun. Ollie, seemingly oblivious to the confrontation, pays for his snacks and exits, leaving the unresolved tension between Benny and the shopkeeper hanging in the air.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Suspenseful setting
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on Ollie's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces conflict through the interaction between Ollie, Benny, and the Shopkeeper. The dialogue is engaging and the setting adds to the suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a shoplifting incident leading to a confrontation in a village store is well-executed and adds depth to the characters and plot.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ollie's encounter with Benny raises the stakes and introduces a new conflict. The scene sets up potential consequences for Ollie's actions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic moral dilemma trope by setting it in a unique environment and adding elements of suspense and danger.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie, Benny, and the Shopkeeper are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward. Each character's motivations and personalities are clear.

Character Changes: 6

Ollie's encounter with Benny and the Shopkeeper may lead to a change in his behavior or decisions in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a morally ambiguous situation and make a decision about his loyalty to Benny. This reflects his deeper need for belonging and acceptance.

External Goal: 7.5

Ollie's external goal is to purchase snacks and drinks from the village store. This reflects the immediate challenge of obtaining supplies.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie, Benny, and the Shopkeeper is intense and drives the scene forward, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and moral choices that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of potential consequences for Ollie's actions and the tense confrontation with Benny add urgency and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the moral ambiguity of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to a friend and doing the right thing. Ollie must decide whether to protect Benny or cooperate with the shopkeeper.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, anxiety, and defiance, adding depth to the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the tension between the characters and adding depth to their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and intriguing character dynamics.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit clunky in its pacing. There's a lot of back and forth between Ollie and Benny, with Benny constantly trying to get a rise out of Ollie. This makes the scene feel a bit repetitive and slows down the momentum.
  • The scene doesn't provide a clear sense of purpose. It seems to be primarily focused on establishing Benny as a character and setting up a potential conflict with Ollie, but it doesn't really move the plot forward.
  • The dialogue feels a bit stilted and unnatural. The constant back-and-forth between 'I see you' and the Shopkeeper's repeated attempts to get Ollie to identify Benny feel repetitive and lack nuance.
  • The scene relies too much on exposition. Benny’s constant reminders about his background and his ‘unwritten rules’ come across as clunky and heavy-handed.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with no clear resolution or sense of closure. We’re left with a vague sense of tension that doesn't feel satisfying.
  • The character of Mads is introduced in this scene, but she feels underdeveloped and unnecessary to the scene's main purpose. Her fleeting presence doesn't add much to the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Ollie and Benny. Focus on a single, key conflict or question between the characters instead of a barrage of back-and-forth exchanges.
  • Explore the potential conflict between Ollie and Benny more organically. Instead of Benny constantly pushing Ollie, try to show how their personalities clash in subtle, meaningful ways.
  • Introduce Mads earlier in the scene, or find a way to make her presence more relevant to the events that are unfolding. Make her role more significant.
  • Show, don’t tell. Focus on visual details and character actions to convey the tension between Benny and Ollie, rather than relying on heavy-handed exposition.
  • Find a more impactful way to end the scene. Consider leaving the audience with a cliffhanger or a sense of mystery that compels them to want to see what happens next.



Scene 4 -  Crossroads of Freedom and Temptation
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

A HEAVY BEAT. Benny, in his cart, weaving in and out,
whipping past MOVING TRAFFIC. A powerful THOROUGHBRED
sprints, the cart jumping from side to side.

Benny whips the reins. The horse picks up speed. The
wheels on the cart rattle. The world zips onwards, faster
and faster.

PUSHING IN on Benny’s smile. Carefree. The world slows
down. Hooves thunder. The mammal breathes heavy.
9.


EXT. FIELD - DAY

Ollie emerges from his tent. The sight of a FUNFAIR,
complete with concession stands and arcade games, greets
him. The gypsy travellers are setting up for the evening.

Ollie retrieves his backpack from inside the tent. He
looks to the edge of woodland at the far side of the
field.


INT. OLLIE’S TENT - SAME TIME

A body rolls naked through a sleeping bag. MADS. Dry lips
crack open.


EXT. FOREST - DUSK

A branch snaps under foot. Ollie smokes a cigarette as he
tropes across this pine forest. He peers through the
trees. An opening.

MADS (O.S.)
What’s out there?

Ollie turns to Mads. She has a rucksack over her
shoulder, walking boots. Adventure ready. Ollie smiles at
his girlfriend.

OLLIE
We’re too exposed out there. We
should bring the tent with us. I
wanna find somewhere for it.

MADS
Do you need me anymore?

OLLIE
Always.

Ollie flicks the butt of his cigarette away.

MADS
So I’ll get the tent?

OLLIE
Not yet. We can go back. We move
tonight.

MADS
Dark is easier to move through.
(beat)
Are you excited?


(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED:

Ollie considers. He takes a small wrap of cocaine from
his pocket. Thumbs it between fingers.

OLLIE
Yeah. But not yet. I could call
ahead.

Ollie lingers a moment. Then he moves away. Through the
forest. Mads watches... that cocaine in his hand.

Once Mads is far enough away, Ollie unravels the cling
film around the ball of white powder.

Flat on his back, Ollie sprinkles the cocaine beneath his
nose. Neat and compact, the line of coke sits under both
nostrils.

Ollie locks his eyes on the sky. The forest ceiling is
still. The sun begins to set, casting the forest in a
contortion of orange.

Ollie swipes the cocaine from his nose. Finally exhales.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Benny joyfully races down a country road in his cart, embodying a carefree spirit, while Ollie and his girlfriend Mads discuss their plans to move in a nearby forest. As Mads expresses her adventurous side, Ollie reveals his hesitation and intention to use cocaine, leading to an internal struggle between their relationship and his drug use. The scene culminates with Ollie succumbing to temptation as he prepares to take the drug under the setting sun, symbolizing a moment of escape amidst uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective portrayal of drug addiction consequences
  • Building tension
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some scenes may be disturbing for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a sense of unease and suspense, drawing the audience into Ollie's deteriorating state and the risky situations he finds himself in.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the destructive nature of drug addiction and the dangerous choices it can lead to is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ollie's drug use escalates, leading to a confrontation with Benny and setting up potential conflicts in the future.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as Ollie's drug use and the setting of a funfair in a rural area. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Ollie's character is developed further as his drug use intensifies, showcasing his vulnerabilities and poor decision-making. Benny's introduction adds a new layer of tension to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie undergoes a significant change as his drug use intensifies, leading to dire consequences and potentially altering his future decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to find a new location to set up camp and to maintain his relationship with Mads. This reflects his desire for adventure and his need for companionship.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to find a safe and suitable location to set up camp for the night. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding shelter and security in the forest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a building conflict between Ollie's drug use and the dangerous situations he finds himself in, setting the stage for potential confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing internal conflicts and external challenges. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of his decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Ollie's drug use puts him in dangerous situations and jeopardizes his relationships with others.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Ollie's character arc and setting up potential conflicts with Benny and the gypsy community.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Ollie's behavior and the uncertain outcome of their journey. The audience is left wondering about the characters' motivations and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Ollie's drug use and his desire for excitement and escape. This challenges his values and morals, as well as his relationship with Mads.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response as Ollie's downward spiral becomes more pronounced, eliciting feelings of concern and unease for his well-being.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the characters' intentions and emotions in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, character dynamics, and the sense of mystery surrounding Ollie's actions. The dialogue and setting create a sense of intrigue for the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and introspection. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements adds to the suspense and drama of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and suspense of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene successfully captures the contrast between Benny's carefree attitude and Ollie's internal struggles. This juxtaposition effectively sets the tone for their respective character arcs, but it could be enhanced by providing more depth to Ollie's emotional state as he emerges from the tent.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Mads is functional, but it lacks a certain emotional resonance. Mads's question, 'Do you need me anymore?' feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from more context or subtext to highlight her insecurities and the tension in their relationship.
  • The visual imagery in the scene is strong, particularly the description of the forest and the sunset. However, the transition from Benny's cart to Ollie's emergence from the tent feels somewhat disjointed. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Ollie's decision to use cocaine could be more impactful if it were framed with a stronger internal conflict. As it stands, it feels like a sudden shift rather than a culmination of his struggles. Exploring his thoughts before this moment could deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • The scene ends with Ollie using cocaine, which is a significant moment, but it lacks a strong emotional hook. A more powerful closing line or image could leave the audience with a lasting impression of Ollie's state of mind.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Ollie as he emerges from the tent, allowing the audience to see his thoughts and feelings about the funfair and his relationship with Mads.
  • Revise Mads's dialogue to include more emotional weight, perhaps by having her express her fears or desires more explicitly, which would create a deeper connection between the characters.
  • To improve the transition between Benny's cart and Ollie's emergence, consider using a visual motif or a sound cue that links the two scenes, such as the sound of the cart wheels or Benny's laughter echoing into Ollie's space.
  • Enhance Ollie's internal struggle by incorporating a brief internal monologue or a flashback that illustrates his addiction's grip on him before he decides to use cocaine.
  • End the scene with a more evocative image or line that encapsulates Ollie's emotional turmoil, such as a reflection on the sunset that parallels his feelings of despair or hope.



Scene 5 -  Carnival Lights
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

A party in full swing. A world of neon signs, floodlights
and moist grass. Populated by youth and amusement rides.
Adolescents from the local area roam free and recklessly.

Laughter and screams of pure THRILL. Because, the
centrepiece of this funfair is a-

- FLORESCENT FERRIS WHEEL. Bodies populate every pod. We
move through this world, up over the entire scene
enveloping in this corner of nowhere.

The lights reflect skywards, as we move towards the
stars. Nothing in the immediate distance, just the
blackness.

RUSH DOWN, to the waltzer. To the haunted mansion. To the
carousel. And the rock-o-plane. A group of teenagers
smoke next to a rattling of LOOSE METAL and SCREWS.

Someone hooks a duck at a stall and wins a huge teddy.
Gypsy men take money. Then switch rides to ON. And a-


SELECTION OF SHOTS-

- On board the waltzer. Momentum drags the THREE YOUNG
GIRLS from one side to another. Music pumps from the
speakers. Exhilarating.


(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:

- Ollie stands in the middle of the field. He stares at
the summit of the Ferris wheel. Something catches his eye
in the light of the carousel. Some blonde hair.

- Following a group of BOYS through the haunted mansion.
Walls painted in red blood. The floor painted as volcanic
lava.

- Inside the cockpit of a rock-o-plane shuttle. The world
spins, the loose change shrapnel and mobile phone of a
TEENAGE GIRLS pocket hit the ceiling.

- Ollie stares at the moon. His eyes move to the forest
trees as they sway in a light breeze. Ollie unravels a
mobile phone from within a sock. Powers it on.

- Benny sits shotgun in a hatchback. Some boy racer type
thing... PULLING DOUGHNUTS at the back of the field.
Other gypsy men cheer. Mud and grass churn and splatter.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At a bustling night-time carnival, Ollie observes the festivities. The scene is a vibrant mix of swirling rides, flashing lights, and cheering crowds. Ollie watches a group of boys navigate the haunted mansion, admires the Ferris wheel, and stares at the moon before taking out his phone. Meanwhile, Benny performs daring donuts in a car, drawing applause from onlookers.
Strengths
  • Effective use of contrasting tones and atmospheres
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue may leave some character motivations unclear
  • Some elements of the scene may be too dark or intense for all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a tense and suspenseful tone, with a mix of excitement and foreboding. The contrast between the lively carnival setting and the darker elements adds depth and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the darker side of a funfair setting through the lens of drug use and criminal activity is unique and engaging. It adds layers to the scene and keeps the audience on edge.

Plot: 7

The plot unfolds with a sense of impending danger and mystery, as Ollie's actions and interactions with the Gypsy community hint at escalating conflicts and consequences.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar elements of a funfair setting but adds a fresh perspective through the focus on Ollie's internal thoughts and observations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Ollie and Benny, are intriguing and complex, with their actions and motivations driving the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a state of intoxication and disorientation to a moment of clarity and decision-making. His interactions with Benny also hint at deeper character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene seems to be a sense of longing or curiosity, as he is drawn to the summit of the Ferris wheel and notices someone with blonde hair. This reflects his desire for connection or escape from his current surroundings.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it could be to find or connect with the person he sees with blonde hair. This reflects his immediate circumstances of being at the funfair and his desire for something more.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Ollie's struggle with drug addiction to the tension between him and Benny. The stakes are high, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as Ollie's internal conflict and potential external obstacles add complexity to the narrative and keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with Ollie's life and relationships on the line. The potential consequences of his actions add tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events. It adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience invested.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces multiple characters and situations without clear resolutions, leaving the audience curious about Ollie's next actions and the potential outcomes of his interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a potential philosophical conflict between the carefree, thrill-seeking atmosphere of the funfair and Ollie's more introspective and observant nature. This conflict challenges Ollie's values and worldview, as he seems to be searching for something deeper amidst the chaos.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and fear to excitement and intrigue. The characters' struggles and the high stakes add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the reader in the sensory experience of the funfair, while also building intrigue around Ollie's internal thoughts and the potential connection with the person he sees with blonde hair.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances moments of action and introspection, creating a dynamic rhythm that mirrors the chaotic energy of the funfair setting. It keeps the reader engaged and builds tension towards Ollie's next move.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the fast-paced and dynamic nature of the funfair setting, with short, impactful descriptions and quick transitions between different shots and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with quick cuts between different characters and locations, adding to the sense of chaos and excitement at the funfair. It deviates from traditional scene structures but effectively conveys the atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene feels more like a collection of random shots rather than a cohesive narrative moment.
  • There is no clear central conflict or purpose to the scene. We see Ollie, but we don't understand what he's thinking or feeling, or what he's doing there.
  • The scene relies too heavily on description and exposition, with a lot of telling instead of showing.
  • The descriptions of the rides are generic and lack any unique detail or personality.
  • The inclusion of the gypsy men feels forced and doesn't contribute much to the scene.
  • The scene doesn't connect well to the previous scene, where Ollie was alone in the forest preparing to take cocaine. We don't see him making the transition to the funfair or his motivation for being there.
  • The scene feels disjointed and lacks a sense of flow. The camera movements are jarring and don't draw the audience in.
  • The scene doesn't build to any meaningful conclusion. It ends abruptly with a shot of Benny doing donuts, which feels arbitrary and unconnected to the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single, clear conflict or purpose for the scene. What is the main thing that Ollie is struggling with or trying to achieve in this moment?
  • Use dialogue or action to reveal Ollie's internal state. What is he thinking or feeling as he observes the funfair? What is he hoping to find or escape?
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of describing the rides, use visual details to bring them to life. What sounds do we hear? What smells are in the air? What are the people doing?
  • Develop the gypsy men into more than just background characters. What role do they play in the larger story? How do they interact with Ollie?
  • Connect the scene to the previous scene by showing Ollie's journey from the forest to the funfair. What motivates his decision to go there?
  • Use smoother camera movements to create a sense of flow and draw the audience into the scene.
  • End the scene on a note that leaves the audience wanting more. What happens next? How does this scene contribute to the larger story?



Scene 6 -  A Moment of Escape
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

Ollie follows the wheel up and around, his eyes drawn to
one pod. Some blonde Rapunzel hair floating out in the
wind.

Ollie drifts towards the wheel as the pod comes down
level, but it passes him by EMPTY. The ride stops a few
pods later-

Mads is inside the pod. The metal cranks to a stop, Mads
sucking on a lollipop.

MADS
I want to go again.

Ollie pushes a coin at the ATTENDANT and climbs in the
pod.


INT. FERRIS WHEEL POD - CONTINUOUS

The ride starts. The stars sparkle as they reach the
summit. Ollie keeps his eyes on the bright sky, closing
in on him. Heaven opening up.

Mads keeps her eyes on Ollie.

MADS
It’s very beautiful.

Over the tree tops some FLASHING BLUE LIGHTS in the
distance. Then they descend again.


(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Is this where I tell you I love
you?

MADS
No. It’s too public. That’s just
for us. We got a plan now?

OLLIE
We do?

MADS
Yes. Remember?

The wheel rises again, closing in on the BRIGHT
WHITENESS. Ollie pulls his eyes from this to the tree
tops ahead. Those blue flashing lights are closer-

MADS
They’re getting close.

OLLIE
Yeah.

MADS
I’m sorry.

OLLIE
It’s okay. We got time.

The wheel rotates to descend.

MADS
Just promise me we’ll be free.

OLLIE
I can’t. But we will.

MADS
I can’t be alone again.

OLLIE
I’m in charge now. You’re stuck
with me forever now.

Ollie leans in and pecks Mads. A gentle kiss.

Mads looks to the sky with Ollie. The PURE WHITE closes
up slightly. Then shuts back to darkness.

OLLIE
Do you believe me?




(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED: (2)

MADS
What?

OLLIE
I’m innocent.

Ollie looks Mads square on.

MADS
They’re coming for us.

OLLIE
For me.

Mads flicks her lollipop at Ollie. It sticks to his tee.
Ollie swipes the lollipop away, then with the other-

SWIPES MADS BY THE TSHIRT. HOLDING HER ABOVE HIM as the
wheel reahes the peak of its journey. Ollie holds Mads
high above him with one hand.

The dark sky OPENS UP. The PURE WHITE flickers. Fails and
returns to black.

But Ollie SNAPS OUT OF IT-

His imagination again. Mads sucks the lollipop as the
ride comes to a halt.

ATTENDANT
Party’s over. Police are here.

Ollie exits first, turning back to Mads:

OLLIE
You don’t know anyone. I’ll see
you in the morning.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie and Mads ride a Ferris wheel at night, sharing a romantic moment while discussing their plans to escape. As they ascend, Ollie imagines a future together, but Mads expresses her worries about their situation. They share a kiss, but their moment is interrupted when the attendant informs them that the police are nearby. Ollie urges Mads to leave for her safety, promising to meet her in the morning.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the nature of the impending danger

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, suspense, and character development, creating a compelling and engaging moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters sharing intimate thoughts and fears while on a Ferris wheel adds depth to their relationship and creates tension as they face potential danger.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters reveal their inner thoughts and fears, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar romantic setting but adds a twist with the impending threat of the police, creating a sense of urgency and unpredictability. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' vulnerabilities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show vulnerability, complexity, and growth in this scene, deepening the audience's connection to their journey.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters show vulnerability and growth, revealing new layers of their personalities and deepening their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to express his love for Mads and reassure her of their future together, despite the looming threat of the police. This reflects his deeper need for connection and security.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to protect Mads and evade the police, showcasing his immediate circumstances and challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters' desires for freedom and their impending danger creates tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, with the looming threat of the police challenging Ollie and Mads' romantic moment.

High Stakes: 7

The characters face the high stakes of impending danger and uncertainty, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing the characters, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the emotional stakes of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the police arriving, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the romantic encounter.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between love and freedom versus the consequences of their actions. Ollie and Mads must navigate their feelings for each other while facing the reality of the situation they are in.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the characters' confessions and fears resonates with the audience, drawing them into the story and deepening their investment in the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant, revealing, and emotionally charged, driving the scene's intensity and character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth between Ollie and Mads, the sense of impending danger, and the poetic descriptions of the setting.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, with a gradual increase in stakes and a climactic moment at the end.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a romantic encounter with a twist of danger, building tension and emotional stakes.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a promising visual hook - Ollie's eyes drawn to a pod with blonde hair, but it immediately loses momentum when the pod turns out to be empty. This creates a false expectation and weakens the opening.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Mads feels forced and expositional, lacking genuine emotional weight. Phrases like 'It's too public' and 'We got a plan now?' sound unnatural and clunky.
  • The scene relies too heavily on telling instead of showing. For example, 'Those blue flashing lights are closer' could be more impactful visually, perhaps with a gradual zoom or close-up on the lights.
  • The Ferris wheel imagery, while visually appealing, is overused. The constant references to the 'bright whiteness' and 'pure white' become repetitive and lose their impact. The scene would benefit from more subtle and evocative descriptions.
  • The fantasy sequence, where Ollie holds Mads above him, feels disjointed and jarring. It abruptly introduces a new element without proper build-up and lacks clarity. The sudden shift back to reality is also jarring and disruptive.
  • The ending feels rushed and incomplete. Ollie's sudden declaration of innocence and Mads's warning feel unconvincing. The scene lacks a strong emotional resolution or a clear sense of what comes next for the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear and compelling conflict. It feels like a series of conversations and visual moments without a driving force pushing the story forward.
  • The scene fails to develop Ollie and Mads' relationship meaningfully. The dialogue and actions lack depth and intimacy, leaving their connection underdeveloped.
Suggestions
  • Rework the opening of the scene to create a stronger hook. Instead of the empty pod, consider using a different visual motif or a moment of action to capture the viewer's attention. For example, Ollie could see a glimpse of Mads’ face in the pod, or witness a tense interaction between her and another character.
  • Focus on showing instead of telling. Instead of simply stating that the blue lights are closer, use visual cues like camera movement, zoom, and sound design to create a sense of urgency and impending danger.
  • Explore the emotional dynamics between Ollie and Mads more deeply. Instead of using expositional dialogue, delve into their fears, hopes, and desires through subtext and action. Consider how they express their love and anxieties through their body language and nonverbal cues.
  • Develop a clear conflict within the scene. This could be an external threat like the approaching police or an internal conflict between Ollie and Mads. The conflict should drive the scene forward and create a sense of tension.
  • Revisit the fantasy sequence and explore its potential more fully. Consider how it reflects Ollie's hopes, desires, or fears, and what it reveals about his relationship with Mads. It should feel more integrated with the scene and contribute to the overall theme.
  • Create a more satisfying ending. Consider how Ollie and Mads' actions in this scene will affect their relationship and the narrative arc of the story. Ensure the scene provides closure while leaving the audience with a sense of anticipation for what lies ahead.
  • Experiment with different camera angles and shots to create a more dynamic and visually engaging scene. Use close-ups to highlight the characters' emotions and long shots to establish the setting and mood.



Scene 7 -  The Joker's Gamble
EXT. BENNY’S CARAVAN - NIGHT

The horse stands in a paddock pen. Benny shuts the gate,
locks it.


INT. BENNY’S CARAVAN - CONTINUOUS

Benny strides in, shuts the door without acknowledging
the GROUP OF MEN PLAYING CARDS at the table. All middle-
aged, haggard.

Benny routes through the cupboards... finds a mug. Pours
himself a juice.



(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:

IRISH VOICE
Is this yours?

Benny turns to the table under lights. The FOUR MEN are
looking at him. Still as statues, cards resting in their
fingers.

The man at the back is BARTLEY, 50. Tattoos on forearms
that lead to hands covered in gold rings. It is his voice
we heard. He holds that tin of baking soda.

BENNY
Dat’s mine.

BARTLEY
Dis could kill somebody, son.

BENNY
It’s smart. They buy it. You mix
it with-

BARTLEY
Stop. Your tinkin’ is from your
mudder’s side. She’s not here. I
am. That’s no minor offence, you
could fucking kill someone.

BENNY
It’ll make us money. More money.

Bartley rotates one of his many rings around his finger.

BARTLEY
Dey’re here. Outside. ‘Dey won’t
do notin’ today, but they will be
back, like dey are every year. We
get ‘tree days here a year, and
you want to ‘trow it all away
for...
(beat)
On the news, there’s a boy. That
boy comes from dis area. He heads
out wit’ his friends wit’ his
pocket money. He wants to prove to
his friends, they’ll include
girls, dat he’s not a loser. He
comes to you for dat good time,
dat buzz he wants. Dat impression
on somebody else. He takes dat
buzz, that small pot of life
scratched down to a molecule of
white powder made in somebody’s
fuckin kitchen.
(beat)
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED: (2)
BARTLEY (CONT'D)
But he reacts badly to his
experiment, and suddenly we’re de
ones on TV. Nobody cares about
gypsies being moved on, but an
overdose...
(beat)
And it all leads back to your
baking soda. Back to our front
door. Everybody blamed, your
family and friends. And you ‘tink
that it’s the answer. All dis
around you, it disappears. You
with it. Dis is who you are. No
matter how many brains you think
you have, lawyers convince others
that you don’t have any. I know.

Bartley tosses the tin. Benny catches it.

BENNY
I make my own money.

Bartley sighs. He stands and rounds the table, stalking
closer to Benny. Benny holds his ground. A moment. Then-

Bartley DELIVERS A SLAP. Quick, efficient, savage. Benny
takes it, squares back up to Bartley. The smallest drip
of blood escapes his nostrils.

BARTLEY
I wouldn’t want to hurt you. I
didn’t, did I?

Benny stutters slightly.

BARTLEY
Did I?

The other men at the table just sit. No reaction, they
shuffle their cards.

BARTLEY
Davie won’t.

BENNY
Davie won’t what?

BARTLEY
He won’t stop. He’ll keep going
for sure. I know his father. As
mad as Davie is, probably worse,
he knows these plains, these
fields. He won’t stop.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED: (3)
BARTLEY (CONT'D)
I’ve heard about you two, about
your war of words over a little
girl.

The blood seeps further down Benny’s chin. Bartley wraps
some kitchen roll from a nearby cabinet, holds it in
front of Benny’s face. The blood thickens, drips to the
floor.

More splats hit the ground. Then Benny takes the roll of
tissue. He corks his nose. The blood has now smeared
across most of his face, seeping deep into the tissue.

BARTLEY
You want to join us?

Benny flicks his eyes to the table. To the men. One
smiles.

Benny nods, following Bartley to the table. We follow
Benny, blood dripping to the floor in his wake. Benny
takes the spare seat. Bartley dishes him some cards.

BENNY
What are we playing?

Benny adjusts the tissue wedged in his nose.

BARTLEY
Joker.

BENNY
Never heard of it.

BARTLEY
That’s because I just created it.

BENNY
Rules?

BARTLEY
Whoever has the joker, they lose.
Then everybody else can play the
second round. Whoever has the
Joker has to bluff dat they don’t.

BENNY
Why don’t we want the Joker?

BARTLEY
You’re better off without him. He
has no value.




(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED: (4)

Bartley distributes the cards. He looks at Benny. Benny
stares back, replacing fresh tissue. He leaves his
bloodied rag on the table.

Bartley finishes the deal. Benny looks at his cards. A
seven, five, three of hearts. Joker. Benny considers.
Then-

He looks to his hand holding the cards. Smudges of blood
populate his palm and fingers. So Benny takes a finger
and smudges his blood all over the Joker card until the
picture can no longer be seen.

BARTLEY
Who has him?

A shake of heads in unison. Bartley’s eyes fall on Benny.

BENNY
No.

BARTLEY
Are ya sure?

BENNY
Yes.

Bartley’s hand SNATCHES THE CARD AWAY. He analyses the
red card.

BARTLEY
He doesn’t have it.

GYPSY MAN 1
Bart!

BARTLEY
He doesn’t have it.

Bartley removes a thick ring from his hand, staring back
at his friend, offensive ready. Gypsy Man 1 picks up on
this.

Benny smiles, nostrils spreading large. More seeping
blood.

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Benny leaves the table, opening the
door. Ollie is waiting.

BENNY
Who da fuck are you?
18.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Benny, a drug maker, is confronted by Bartley, the leader of a group of men, for his dangerous concoctions. Bartley warns Benny of the potential consequences, including death and negative media attention, and slaps him. Benny then joins the men in a card game called Joker, cleverly concealing the Joker card with his blood. While Bartley notices the Joker is missing, he is unaware of Benny's deception. Just as the tension rises, Ollie arrives, seemingly oblivious to the events that transpired.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the introduction of new characters and dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-paced, and filled with conflict, making it engaging for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a power struggle and criminal activities within the Gypsy community is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the tense interaction between Benny and Bartley, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the criminal underworld genre, with complex characters and moral dilemmas that add authenticity and depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Benny and Bartley are well-defined and their dynamic adds layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Benny experiences a moment of confrontation and potential change in his behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Benny's internal goal is to prove himself and make money, despite the risks involved in his illegal activities. This reflects his desire for validation and success in a dangerous environment.

External Goal: 7.5

Benny's external goal is to continue his illegal activities and make money, despite the warnings and threats from Bartley. This reflects his immediate circumstances and challenges in the criminal underworld.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Benny and Bartley is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bartley serving as a formidable obstacle to Benny's goals, creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of criminal activities and power struggles add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new conflicts and dynamics that propel the story forward.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the desire for money and success versus the moral consequences of illegal activities. Bartley represents the voice of reason and morality, while Benny is driven by greed and ambition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The tension and confrontation in the scene evoke strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the power dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adhere to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with a sense of tension and mystery. The dialogue between Bartley and Benny is well-written and effectively establishes their power dynamic. Bartley's monologues are powerful and chilling, and the scene's pacing is good, keeping the reader engaged.
  • However, the scene suffers from a lack of clarity about the characters' motivations. It's not immediately apparent why Benny is making this drug, or what the consequences might be. It's also not clear what Bartley's goal is in this scene, other than to intimidate Benny.
  • The scene also feels a bit too expository. Bartley's lengthy monologues about the dangers of the drug and the consequences of their actions feel like info-dumps that could be conveyed more subtly. The 'Joker' game feels like a bit of a clunky way to introduce a new conflict. It could be more organically integrated into the scene, for example by having Benny use his deception to gain an advantage in a card game they are already playing.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ollie's arrival, which feels like a jarring transition. It's unclear why Ollie is at Benny's caravan or what his intentions are. The scene would be more satisfying if it ended with a clearer sense of what's going to happen next.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Benny's motivation for making the drug. Is he trying to make money? Is he trying to escape from something? What are the risks he's willing to take?
  • Develop Bartley's character further. What is his relationship with Benny? What are his goals for the future? What is his role in the wider story?
  • Make the 'Joker' game more organic. Maybe Benny is already playing cards with the other men when Bartley arrives. Or maybe Benny uses his deception to win a game they are playing, setting up a conflict for later.
  • Consider adding a scene before this one that sets up Ollie's arrival. What is he doing? Why is he heading towards Benny's caravan? This will create more suspense and anticipation for the reader.
  • End the scene on a more dramatic note. Maybe Ollie sees something that shocks or frightens him. Or maybe Benny reacts to Ollie's arrival in a way that suggests he is in danger.



Scene 8 -  Pressure and Denial
INT. BENNY’S CARAVAN - MOMENTS LATER

Ollie pockets his miniscule sachet of “cocaine”.

OLLIE
Cheers.

BENNY
Where do you get the money for
this?

OLLIE
I got my own money.

Benny shares a look with Bartley. The game of Joker is in
full swing. Ollie nods his respect, reaches for the door
handle-

BARTLEY
You take dat in here.

Ollie halts. Pauses for thought.

BARTLEY
Take dat shit in here.

Ollie looks to Benny, then back to Bartley.

OLLIE
Why?

BARTLEY
Because if you die at least it’s
only in front of us. Then I can
wrap you up and bury you without
anybody knowing.

Ollie smiles, amused. No fear.

OLLIE
Are you family?

BARTLEY
Yeah.

OLLIE
That’s nice.

Ollie clears down the kitchen side, pushing dirty plates
and clothing to one side. With a quick setup, Ollie
INHALES A SMALL LINE. His eyes dilute.

BARTLEY
How you feel?


(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Fine.

BARTLEY
Then why take it?

OLLIE
Get closer to you.

Quiet beat.

OLLIE
I’m just trying to be funny.

BARTLEY
Can you feel your heart beating?

OLLIE
Yeah.

BARTLEY
Has it ever beat dat fast before?

OLLIE
Yeah.

BARTLEY
You should be fine.

Ollie smiles back. He opens the door-

BARTLEY
You need friends right now.

OLLIE
So you watch TV?

Ollie steps out-
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Inside Benny's caravan, Bartley urges Ollie to take cocaine for safety reasons, but Ollie, nonchalant, insists he's fine. Despite Ollie's assurances, Bartley remains unconvinced, leading to a tense exchange with a touch of dark humor. Ollie ultimately leaves the caravan, leaving Bartley and Benny behind.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the dangerous and unpredictable nature of the characters. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family loyalty and the dark underbelly of the group's dynamics are well-developed and intriguing. The scene effectively sets up conflicts and power struggles that will likely unfold later in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we see Ollie interacting with the group and getting involved in their activities. The introduction of the Joker game adds an element of suspense and danger to the scene.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of camaraderie and risk-taking, exploring the characters' relationships in a gritty and realistic setting. The authenticity of the dialogue and character interactions adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their relationships are complex. The tension between Ollie, Benny, and Bartley is palpable, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie's interaction with the group and his decision to take cocaine in front of them show a shift in his character, hinting at potential changes and conflicts to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to connect with the other characters on a deeper level, possibly seeking acceptance or validation. His nonchalant attitude towards taking drugs suggests a desire for camaraderie or belonging.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to fit in with the group and navigate the social dynamics of the caravan. He wants to establish a rapport with the other characters and avoid any conflict or rejection.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and filled with underlying tension. The power struggles and confrontations add to the overall suspense of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bartley's warning adding a sense of danger and unpredictability to the situation. Ollie's internal conflict and external pressures create obstacles that challenge his goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the dangerous and unpredictable nature of the characters, as well as the potential consequences of their actions. The scene hints at the risks and conflicts that lie ahead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and tensions among the characters. It sets the stage for future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the underlying tension in their interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will escalate or resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' attitudes towards drugs and risk-taking. Bartley's warning to Ollie highlights a clash between recklessness and caution, reflecting different value systems and perspectives on self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The emotional impact is heightened by the complex relationships and dynamics between the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It adds to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the dynamic interactions between the characters. The dialogue and subtext keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the dialogue and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced and engaging structure, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The formatting effectively conveys the cramped and claustrophobic atmosphere of the caravan setting.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a bit of awkwardness between Ollie and Benny, which feels a little forced. The 'Cheers' line from Ollie feels out of place and doesn't advance the plot.
  • The exchange about money feels a bit clunky. Benny's suspicion is established, but it could be done more subtly, maybe through a glance or a subtle change in tone.
  • The introduction of Bartley's request for Ollie to do the drugs inside the caravan feels abrupt. It lacks a strong motivation for Bartley, beyond the rather weak reason of wanting to bury Ollie if he dies.
  • The dialogue feels a bit stilted and predictable. The lines between Ollie and Bartley lack natural flow and feel like exposition rather than actual conversation.
  • The scene relies too much on telling instead of showing. For example, Ollie's amusement is stated, but not conveyed through his actions or expressions.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension or conflict. The drug use feels like a plot point rather than a meaningful action with consequences.
  • Ollie's sudden switch from amusement to fear after taking the drug feels unearned and unconvincing. The scene could benefit from a more gradual shift in his demeanor.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt. It would be helpful to have a stronger closure, leaving the reader with a lingering sense of anticipation or intrigue.
  • The scene lacks visual detail. It doesn't engage the reader's imagination with descriptions of the caravan's interior, the characters' expressions, or the overall atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Rework the opening exchange between Ollie and Benny to make it more natural and relevant to the plot. Consider exploring their relationship dynamics further.
  • Find a more compelling motivation for Bartley's request for Ollie to take the drugs inside. Perhaps he has a reason for wanting to control Ollie's actions or keep him close.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and engaging. Use subtext, body language, and expressions to reveal the characters' thoughts and feelings.
  • Focus on showing rather than telling. Use descriptions and actions to convey Ollie's amusement and fear rather than stating them directly.
  • Introduce a conflict or tension into the scene. Perhaps Ollie is reluctant to take the drugs, or Benny tries to intervene, creating a sense of drama.
  • Add more visual detail to the scene. Describe the caravan's interior, the characters' expressions, and the overall atmosphere.
  • Consider ending the scene with a lingering shot of Ollie's face after taking the drug, leaving the reader to wonder about the potential consequences of his actions.
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue that suggests a future conflict or a hint of danger, leaving the reader intrigued and wanting to know what happens next.



Scene 9 -  Tender Moments Amidst Chaos
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

Ollie watches the waltzer throw teenagers from one side
of the car to the other. His attention draws to the
queue, to a COUPLE. An ADOLESCENT BOY holds his
GIRLFRIEND by the waist, slips his hand into hers.

Ollie mimics. His fingers flicker, envisaging his own
girlfriend. Tender, sweet. The boy takes his girls blonde
hair.

Ollie tugs at imaginary hair. A mirror image.




(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:

The boy and his girlfriend are released onto the ride.
Together they select a pod.

Ollie watches. His attention changes once more to-

Two GYPSY BOYS hassle another BOY to the ground. The same
age as Ollie. The boy is forced to the floor, held down.
The boy taps out, his face reddening as the Gypsy Boys
grip around his neck tightens. GASPING FOR AIR-

Seconds pass. The boys eyes roll over white.

Ollie is unable to move, watching on. The gypsy boys
laugh, slap the other boy on the cheek. Unresponsive. An
unprovoked attack. Some girls come to aid their friend.

Ollie moves his eyes back to the waltzer. The ride spins,
the couple thrown with the momentum of the ride. One
rotation brings them within inches of Ollie’s face.

MADS (O.S.)
I knew I would find you.

Ollie takes his time to find the voice. The world falls
quiet, background noise drowning out. Ollie finds the
voice. His eyes falling on Mads. Bodies part around her.

OLLIE
I recognise this face.

MADS
Is he here?

Ollie takes the hand of the stunning blonde. He runs his
hand through her hair, his other hand to her waist.

OLLIE
I know where to look.

MADS
I knew we would do it.

OLLIE
You know me.

MADS
I do.

Ollie takes Mads’ hand high up. She performs an elegant
spin.

OLLIE
You believe me?



(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED: (2)

MADS
Of course.

Mads twirls again.

OLLIE
What do you want to do now?

MADS
I want the world with you.

OLLIE
I love Mads.

MADS
That’s not even my name. You came
up with that.
(beat)
The first time you saw me I caught
you staring.

Ollie holds Mads tighter. He rests his face on the top of
her head, squeezing her tight.

OLLIE
I still stare.

MADS
Always.

OLLIE
Why didn’t you speak to me in the
shop?

MADS
I didn’t know you were there.

OLLIE
I saw you.

MADS
Did I see you?

Mads tightens her grip of Ollie’s hand. He rubs her index
finger, copying the motion of the adolescent couple. They
sway to the music being blasted from the speakers nearby.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a vibrant fair setting at night, Ollie observes a couple's affectionate gestures, longing for a similar connection with his girlfriend, Mads. As he mimics their romance, the scene darkens with the violent bullying of another boy by gypsy boys, contrasting the tenderness of Ollie's fantasy. Mads appears, and they share a dreamlike dance filled with love and playful banter, culminating in her desire for a future together. Despite the surrounding chaos, their intimate moment remains unresolved, highlighting the juxtaposition of love and aggression.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tender tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a poignant moment of connection between Ollie and Mads. The tender tone and reflective dialogue enhance the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the intimate relationship between Ollie and Mads amidst the backdrop of a chaotic carnival is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively delves into the characters' emotions and desires, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character development and emotional depth adds richness to the story. The interaction between Ollie and Mads hints at their shared history and future aspirations, setting the stage for further plot developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on teenage romance and violence, with a focus on internal emotional conflicts and external threats. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ollie and Mads are well-developed characters with complex emotions and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of depth and vulnerability, making them compelling protagonists. The scene effectively showcases their dynamic and evolving relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Both Ollie and Mads experience subtle shifts in their emotional states and relationship dynamics throughout the scene. Ollie's longing for connection and Mads' vulnerability hint at deeper character arcs and growth to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Mads and express his feelings for her. This reflects his desire for love and companionship.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and potential threats in the carnival setting, particularly in relation to the gypsy boys' attack on another boy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a subtle undercurrent of tension in the scene, particularly in Ollie and Mads' unspoken desires and fears, the conflict is primarily internal and emotional. The focus is more on character development and relationship dynamics than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the gypsy boys' attack creating a sense of danger and conflict that adds complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and personal, focusing on Ollie and Mads' desires for connection and escape. While the characters face internal conflicts and uncertainties, the external stakes are relatively low.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot in terms of external events, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations. The emotional depth and character development set the stage for future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shift from romantic interactions to a violent confrontation, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of love, identity, and perception. Ollie's interactions with Mads challenge his understanding of reality and his own emotions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the intimate and tender moment between Ollie and Mads. The characters' vulnerability and longing evoke strong emotions, creating a poignant and memorable scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and heartfelt, capturing the emotional nuances of Ollie and Mads' relationship. The conversations between the characters reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, unpredictable moments, and character dynamics. The tension and romance keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with a balance of slow moments and intense action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a good visual hook, but it loses focus quickly. It’s unclear what the scene is trying to achieve. Is it about Ollie's desire for connection, his yearning for his girlfriend, or his fascination with the carnival?
  • The scene feels repetitive. Ollie mimics the couple, then watches the boys fighting, then mimics the couple again. This back-and-forth feels like filler and doesn't advance the plot.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and unnatural. Lines like "I recognise this face" and "You came up with that" sound forced and awkward. The repetition of "You know me" and "I do" creates an echo effect that feels repetitive.
  • The scene is overly descriptive. We don't need to be told that Ollie's fingers are "flickering" or that the boy's face is "reddening." These details are unnecessary and slow down the pace.
  • The arrival of Mads feels abrupt and unearned. There is no setup for her appearance, and her sudden entrance into the scene feels jarring.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The final exchange between Ollie and Mads feels rushed and doesn’t give the audience any sense of closure.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create any sense of urgency. The dialogue and actions are slow and lack a sense of purpose. We don't feel invested in what is happening.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single theme or conflict for the scene. Is this scene about Ollie's longing for his girlfriend? His frustration at the situation? His desire for connection? Choose a focus and build the scene around it.
  • Cut the repetitive actions and dialogue. Remove the unnecessary details and tighten the scene. For example, instead of describing Ollie's fingers flickering, simply show him reaching out as if to touch someone.
  • Give the characters more authentic dialogue. Avoid using forced lines and focus on what the characters are thinking and feeling.
  • Let the action drive the scene. Instead of telling us what is happening, show us. Show Ollie's internal struggle, his frustration, or his desire for connection through his actions and reactions.
  • Set up Mads's entrance. Have her appear in the background or hint at her arrival earlier in the scene. This will create a smoother transition and make her arrival feel more natural.
  • Give the scene a clear ending. End the scene with a strong visual or dialogue that leaves the audience with a question or a sense of anticipation.
  • Add tension or conflict to the scene. This could be internal conflict within Ollie, or external conflict with the other characters. Create a sense of urgency that will keep the audience engaged.



Scene 10 -  Dancing on the Edge
EXT. OLLIE’S TENT - NIGHT

Ollie leads Mads towards his tent. Ollie climbs in first.

MADS
And you suppose I’m easy?


(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:

Ollie hesitates. He attempts to read the situation.

OLLIE
No.

MADS
That’s very forward of you.

Ollie looks between Mads and the tent.

OLLIE
I don’t know what to do now.

MADS
Let go of my hand.
(beat)
Invite me in.

Ollie releases. He enters the tent, sits and waits for
her.

OLLIE
I want you to stay with me.

MADS
You’re meant to be my hero, aren’t
you?
(beat)
I think you’re the type of boy
that would let another guy take
me.

OLLIE
That would be up to you.

MADS
You’re too nice.

A rave has started in the distance. The SICKENING BASS
thunders through the darkness.

MADS
Can we finish this dance?

Ollie smiles. Mads begins to dance on her own, swaying
her hips.

Ollie watches Mads bare feet shuffle to the beat.

He flops sideways, his eyes passing over white. He uses a
hand to route under a sleeping back. He finds the pack of
cigarettes. Lights one up.




(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
(to himself)
How does she move like that?
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a playful yet intimate night scene outside Ollie's tent, Ollie and Mads engage in a flirtatious conversation about boundaries. Mads challenges Ollie, inviting him to assert himself, while she dances freely, showcasing her independence. The tension between Ollie's desire for connection and Mads' playful teasing creates an unresolved conflict, leaving Ollie captivated as he watches her dance.
Strengths
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional complexity of the characters and sets up a tense atmosphere. The use of dialogue and actions conveys the inner conflicts and desires of Ollie and Mads, creating a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationship between Ollie and Mads in the backdrop of a carnival setting is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the evolving dynamics between Ollie and Mads, highlighting their conflicting emotions and desires. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions that could impact the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of intimacy and vulnerability, with unique character dynamics and subtle gestures. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Mads are well-developed, with their internal struggles and desires effectively portrayed. The scene delves into their emotional complexities and sets up potential character growth and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Both Ollie and Mads experience internal changes and revelations in the scene, as they confront their desires and regrets. The interactions between the characters hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to navigate the complex emotions and desires he has towards Mads. It reflects his deeper need for connection, his fears of rejection or misinterpretation, and his desire for intimacy.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to impress Mads and maintain her interest. It reflects the immediate challenge of understanding her signals and responding appropriately.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene establishes a level of conflict through the emotional tension between Ollie and Mads, as well as the unspoken desires and regrets that drive their interactions. The potential for conflict and resolution is set up effectively.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but subtle, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the characters' actions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional turmoil and unspoken desires of the characters create a sense of tension and potential consequences. The evolving relationship between Ollie and Mads hints at higher stakes in future scenes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the emotional dynamics between Ollie and Mads, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The evolving relationship between the characters hints at future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Ollie and Mads, as well as the ambiguous nature of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between vulnerability and strength, as well as the idea of heroism and self-sacrifice. It challenges Ollie's beliefs about masculinity, heroism, and agency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as it delves into the inner turmoil and desires of the characters. The intimate moments between Ollie and Mads, coupled with the reflective tone, evoke a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Ollie and Mads effectively conveys their inner conflicts and desires, adding depth to their characters. The interactions are tense and intimate, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension between the characters, the mysterious atmosphere, and the emotional depth of the dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for moments of introspection and emotional depth, and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of actions and dialogue that build tension and reveal character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too wordy and lacks visual dynamism. There's a lot of dialogue back and forth, but it doesn't advance the plot much. We already know Ollie and Mads are attracted to each other, so the scene feels like it's spinning its wheels.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too on-the-nose. Lines like "You’re meant to be my hero, aren’t you?" and "You’re too nice." are clichéd and don't really tell us anything new about the characters.
  • The scene is very static. Ollie and Mads just stand around talking. We could use some action or movement to break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually interesting.
  • The reference to the rave in the distance feels like an afterthought. It doesn't seem to play a significant role in the scene and could be cut.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. We see Ollie light a cigarette, but then the scene just ends. It would be more satisfying if we saw Ollie actually start smoking and perhaps reacting to Mads's dancing.
Suggestions
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of having Ollie and Mads talk about their feelings, show them interacting in a way that reveals their emotions. For example, we could see Ollie watching Mads as she dances, or we could see him touch her hair or face.
  • Cut some of the dialogue. Focus on the moments that are most important to the story. For example, the scene could be shortened by removing the lines about Ollie being a hero or being too nice.
  • Add some action and movement. We could see Ollie and Mads walk through the forest, or we could see them explore their tent. This would make the scene more visually interesting and would help to move the plot forward.
  • Use the rave in the distance to create tension. We could see Ollie and Mads looking out at the rave, or we could hear the music getting louder and louder. This would create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. We could see Ollie take a drag of his cigarette and look at Mads with a longing expression. This would leave the audience with a lingering image of their connection and would set up the next scene.



Scene 11 -  Dance of Shadows
INT. OLLIE’S TENT - MOMENTS LATER

And like that... we are back to our OPENING SCENE.

The tent opening, the shadow forming, crouching into the
entrance. Mads pops her head inside.

MADS
Ollie, dance with me?

Ollie nods. He takes Mads’ hand, follows her outside.

We stay in the tent. It CATCHES FIRE and begins to burn
gently.


EXT. OLLIE’S TENT/FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Mads dances with elegance. Ollie takes her in, undressing
her with his eyes. Erotic, yet innocent.

His eyes falling on Benny in the distance. A body in the
funfair. Ollie fiddling with the small ball of white
powder in his fingers.

CUT TO:


EXT. BENNY’S CARAVAN - NIGHT

Ollie. His eyes flicker open. His mouth drools, frothing
white. Eyes to the night sky, to the aligned stars.

And like the opening scene, BENNY IS CROUCHED OVER HIM.

Ollie smiles. Tears form in his eyes as he reaches out. A
struggle to hold the stars.

He vomits hard. He screams, his face bloated and red.

Benny stands up, watching. He waits in the shadows.

Ollie passes out. His face buried back in the dirt.

BENNY
Get da fuck away from my home.

Benny drags Ollie through the grass. Further from his
caravan into the middle of nowhere.
24.


EXT. FAIRGROUND/ FIELD - NIGHT

Vast crowds of STUDENTS, revellers and PARTY-GOERS. Anti-
social, young, alive. The cogs of the rides work
overtime.

Ollie staggers through the fun. The world a cohesion of
warped figures.


EXT. FIELD ENTRANCE/ROAD - SAME TIME

A parked car. ANOTHER GYPSY sits on the bonnet, smoking.
Lookout. A few more young girls are waved in to join the
party. They take hits from a balloon.


EXT. FAIRGROUND/ FIELD - SAME TIME

Dingy. Loose cups and litter. Pyrotechnic smoke seeps and
music PULSATES the atmosphere.

All life is here. Worlds apart from the quiet streets set
on the periphery.


EXT. OLLIE’S TENT - SAME TIME

The music of the night BLASTS through Mads and Ollie.
Their bodies as one.

On Ollie, sweat gushing over his face. Pouring.

Ollie’s tent BURNS IN THE NIGHT. The flames get bigger.

He can’t dance, only move to the rhythm of Mads. The
frame distorts briefly, Ollie’s eyes bloodshot. As the
two bodies dance, the sky opens up and it begins to rain.
Torrential at once.

Ollie and Mads are silhouettes against the orange glow of
the burning tent. The rain is constant. CLOSING IN on
Mads. Her lips meet Ollie’s. The tent RAGES ON FIRE.

The rain intensifies. Then it pours. We PULL OUT, Mads
and Ollie locked to each other, the rain ONLY POURING
OVER THEM and--

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

HEAVY BREATHING. Steadying, subduing. The sound of
BUILDING MELANCHOLY. A steady beat. Building-
25.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary In a vibrant fairground at night, Ollie and Mads share an intimate dance, their movements synchronized amidst the revelry. However, Ollie's enchantment turns to distress as he spots Benny in the distance, leading to a sudden seizure and vomit. Benny drags Ollie away from his burning tent, shifting the scene from romantic to unsettling. As rain falls, Mads and Ollie share a passionate kiss, contrasting with the chaos around them. The scene ends abruptly, leaving a lingering sense of suspense.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be overly intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and tension, with strong visuals and impactful moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining romance, drug use, and danger in a carnival setting is unique and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with Ollie's interactions with Mads, Benny, and the unfolding events at the carnival, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to themes of intimacy and destruction, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ollie, Mads, and Benny are complex and engaging, each contributing to the tension and emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie experiences a range of emotions and challenges in the scene, leading to some character growth and self-realization.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and connection amidst chaos and destruction. Ollie seeks a moment of intimacy and escape from his inner turmoil.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dangerous and unpredictable environment of the fairground while dealing with the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ollie's desires, drug use, and the dangerous situations he finds himself in creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing internal and external challenges that push him to his limits and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of drug use, danger, and emotional turmoil heighten the tension and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of innocence and corruption, as Ollie and Mads seek connection in a world filled with chaos and destruction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of longing, fear, and desperation, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, vivid imagery, and unpredictable events that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of intensity with quieter, reflective moments, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene jumps around too much, making it hard to follow. It's disorienting for the reader. The scene begins inside the tent, then moves outside, then inside Benny's caravan, back outside, then back to the fairground. This constant shifting makes it difficult to build any tension or suspense.
  • The scene feels rushed. There's not enough time to develop the characters or the plot. The scene needs to slow down so we can connect with Ollie and Mads' relationship. Benny's motivation for helping Ollie, and his role in the story, are unclear and need some work.
  • The scene is too reliant on visuals and not enough on dialogue. We see Ollie vomit and scream but we don't know why. Dialogue could flesh out the story and the characters better.
  • The pacing is uneven. Some parts of the scene move too quickly, while others drag on. The scene could benefit from a more even pace. For example, the scene where Ollie is dancing with Mads feels very short compared to Benny helping Ollie out of the caravan, which feels a bit long.
  • The ending is abrupt. It just cuts to black without any resolution. We don't know what happens to Ollie or Mads. There should be some closure, such as a lingering shot of the burning tent or a final shot of Mads and Ollie, embracing in the rain.
  • The use of ‘SMASH CUT TO BLACK’ is heavy-handed. There's a much more graceful way to move to the next scene without making the transition feel jarring. It may be better to fade to black for a more natural transition.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one location at a time. Pick a primary location and stay there. You can still have flashbacks or dreams, but make them clear and purposeful.
  • Add more dialogue. Let the characters talk to each other. This will help us understand their motivations and relationships.
  • Develop Benny's character. We don't know much about him. What are his motivations for helping Ollie? Is he secretly trying to help him or is he up to something else?
  • Slow down the pacing. Give the reader time to take in what's happening. Use longer takes, more descriptive language and more dialogue.
  • Add more emotional depth. Let us feel what Ollie and Mads are feeling. Explore their relationship and the challenges they face.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. What happens to Ollie and Mads after they kiss in the rain? What is the implication of the burning tent? These are questions the reader will want answers to.
  • Consider a more subtle transition to black. Rather than ‘SMASH CUT TO BLACK’, which is very abrupt, maybe fade to black for a more natural, poetic transition.



Scene 12 -  The Burnt Tent
INT. OLLIE’S TENT - MORNING

On Mads. Half her face is drawn to the sleeping chest of
Ollie. She monitors her lovers breathing, keeping one ear
to his heart.

MADS
I should be cold.

OLLIE
Pull the sleeping bag closer.

The entire tent around her is charred black. Burnt to the
ground. Mads looks to the sky, pure blue. Back to Mads,
the colour reflecting in her perfect eyes.

A SMALL BIRD floats by dancing in the blue.

Mads raises her hands to the sky. Uses both hands to
mimic a bird flying. BIRDSONG.

Mads uses her index finger to trace a heart around
Ollie’s chest.

MADS
This is me.

Ollie stirs. Mads rests her head once more.

OLLIE
I need to tell you something.

Mads rubs her hands over some sweat glazing Ollie’s
forehead.

MADS
Tell me.

OLLIE
There is no family.

Birdsong. The first cloud drifts to fill the blue sky.

MADS
Nobody?

OLLIE
Nobody.

Mads lets go of Ollie’s face. Separates herself from him.

OLLIE
They don’t love me anymore.



(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:

MADS
You told me your family would be
waiting for us.

OLLIE
I know.

MADS
You painted a picture in my mind.

OLLIE
I needed you with me.

MADS
You lied.

OLLIE
I know.
(beat)
I don’t know my real parents, I
was adopted at birth. I’ve never
had anybody. And they don’t want
anything to do with me.

MADS
Why would you do that? Tell me
about your parents, abo-

OLLIE
My parents aren’t together
anymore. That’s all you need to
know.

MADS
Do you know where they are?

OLLIE
Yes.

MADS
I want to meet them.

OLLIE
That’s not going to happen.

MADS
We need somewhere to stay.

OLLIE
They won’t help.

MADS
I can talk to them.



(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
They want nothing to do with me.

MADS
I’ll be there.

OLLIE
Then that’s all I need.

MADS
Always.

Mads kisses Ollie on the head. Cuddles him in to her
chest.

MADS
People make mistakes. Then they
change. I’ve fixed you.

OLLIE
I know.

MADS
But this is your plan.

Ollie rests his face closer to Mads. She leans in, nose
to nose. Heart to heart.

Quiet. Ollie reveals the mobile phone from his hoodie
sleeve.

OLLIE
Mum called.

MADS
When?

OLLIE
The other day. We can’t go to her,
but I asked her to call me about
Nan. She’s not got much longer.
You knew that, I told you.

MADS
Yeah. You did.

OLLIE
What did you think about going to
Nan?

MADS
It’s your choice.




(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED: (3)

OLLIE
Our choice.
(beat)
Mum and dad won’t have us. But Nan
is.... She’ll really like you.

MADS
What’s she like?

OLLIE
Oh, she’s great. She’s my
favourite. She bought me up
mainly. And I think she can save
us.

MADS
But you said she’s not got long
left.

OLLIE
I need to say goodbye to her.

Ollie holds the mobile by the tips of his fingers.

MADS
Give it to me.

OLLIE
I can’t do that.

MADS
They’re looking for us and you’ve
just given them a way to find you.

Ollie curls himself up, resting his head on his knees. He
rubs his eyes on his sleeve. He drops his mobile in Mads’
hand.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mads and Ollie wake up in a tent that has been destroyed by fire. Mads expresses her relief that Ollie is alive and her love for him. Ollie reveals he lied about his family and was adopted, with no contact from his parents. Mads expresses a desire to meet them, but Ollie dismisses the idea. Ollie receives a call from his mother, who is looking after his dying grandmother. Ollie struggles with the decision to visit her, but eventually decides to say goodbye. Mads supports him and agrees to go with him. The scene ends with Mads taking Ollie's phone as they prepare to leave, the sound of heavy breathing and a steady beat building.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged and reveals crucial information about the characters, creating a strong connection with the audience. The intimate setting and heartfelt dialogue contribute to the scene's impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Ollie's past and his relationships adds depth to the story, shedding light on his motivations and inner conflicts. The scene effectively conveys the emotional complexity of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ollie reveals his personal history and the challenges he faces with his family. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family dynamics and personal identity, exploring the complexities of trust and honesty in relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically. Ollie's vulnerability and Mads' supportiveness create a compelling dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he opens up about his past and confronts his inner demons. This vulnerability and honesty mark a pivotal moment in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Mads' internal goal is to understand and connect with Ollie on a deeper level, seeking emotional intimacy and honesty in their relationship. She wants to know the truth about Ollie's past and his family, reflecting her desire for trust and authenticity in their bond.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to navigate the challenges of his family situation and make a decision about visiting his dying Nan. He is torn between his desire to say goodbye and the fear of rejection from his family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Ollie grapples with his past and the consequences of his actions. The emotional tension between the characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Ollie as he confronts his past and the consequences of his actions. The emotional weight of the scene adds intensity and significance to the characters' relationships and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Ollie's past and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. It deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting emotions and unexpected revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate their personal challenges and relationship dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene explores themes of honesty, trust, and family bonds. Ollie's deception and Mads' desire for truth create a conflict between the characters' values and beliefs about relationships and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Ollie's vulnerable confession and Mads' supportive response. The raw and intimate moments create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. It effectively conveys the emotional depth of the scene and enhances the audience's connection to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and raw honesty. The characters' internal struggles and conflicts draw the audience in, creating a sense of intimacy and connection that keeps them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional intensity. The gradual reveal of information and character interactions create a sense of intimacy and connection that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the emotional impact of the dialogue and narrative direction, creating a visually engaging and immersive experience for the audience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional intensity. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, creating a sense of intimacy and connection between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene feels very static, with limited action and a lack of tension. Most of the dialogue is exposition and doesn't feel organically integrated into the scene.
  • The imagery, while evocative, feels a bit heavy-handed and clichéd. For example, the birdsong, the clouds, and the heart symbol are all fairly obvious ways to convey emotions.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict. Ollie's revelation about his family is important information, but it doesn't create any immediate dramatic tension.
  • The back and forth between Ollie and Mads about meeting his parents feels repetitive and lacks urgency.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ollie handing Mads his phone, which feels like a forced way to introduce the next plot point.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. The setting is a burned-out tent, and the only action is Ollie and Mads talking. The scene could benefit from some more dynamic visuals.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional core. It feels like the writers are trying to convey a lot of emotions, but none of them really land. This could be fixed by focusing on a single, dominant emotion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding some physical action to the scene. Perhaps Ollie and Mads are trying to find shelter or gather supplies after their tent burned down.
  • Use the setting to create a sense of tension. The burned-out tent could be a symbol of their vulnerability, and the surrounding wilderness could be a source of danger.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of Ollie's revelation about his family. How does Mads react to this news? How does Ollie feel about it?
  • Explore the conflict between Ollie and Mads more fully. What are their goals? What are their fears? How do they see their future together?
  • Use the imagery more subtly. Don't tell us what to feel; show us.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene. Use the camera to show us the details of the burned-out tent, the surrounding landscape, or the characters' reactions.
  • Choose a single, dominant emotion for the scene to focus on. This will help to create a stronger emotional impact.



Scene 13 -  A Fractured Bond
EXT. OLLIE'S TENT - MOMENTS LATER

Mads observes the rest of the field. Quiet morning air.
The fairground is dead. A few men smoke outside their
respective motorhomes.

In the distance someone starts a speaker system. A SOFT
BEAT starts. The party re-ignited.


INT. OLLIE'S TENT - CONTINUOUS

Mads climbs back in.




(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED:

Ollie’s face drops. Mads rubs her face on his, her hair
tickling his chin.

OLLIE
Shall we go?

MADS
I want to be in your heart.

OLLIE
You are.

MADS
You told me I would be yours, that
we would turn grey together.

OLLIE
We will.

Mads wipes her eyes.

OLLIE
We can start again.

MADS
You can.

Ollie crunches the dirty sheets in his face.

OLLIE
Don’t leave.

MADS
They’ll find us now. You did that.

OLLIE
You’re all I have.

MADS
We should split up.

OLLIE
Where will you go?

MADS
You’ll find a way back to me if
this is worth fighting for.

OLLIE
What?

MADS
Only for a while.



(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
Mads!

MADS
Goodbye, Ollie.

OLLIE
Don’t leave. Mads, don’t leave!
Mads!

And with that, Mads unzips the tent and steps out. She
never even looks back. Ollie waits, those tears forming
in his eyes.

Then he SCREAMS. A shriek of total loneliness.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense moment inside Ollie's tent, Mads confronts Ollie about his actions that have jeopardized their safety. Feeling betrayed, she decides to leave, hoping that if their relationship is worth saving, Ollie will find her again. Despite Ollie's desperate pleas for her to stay, Mads walks away, leaving him in despair. The scene culminates in Ollie's heart-wrenching scream, echoing his loneliness and loss.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Raw dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong performances and impactful dialogue that conveys the pain and desperation of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of love, loss, and the search for connection is effectively portrayed through the interactions between Ollie and Mads.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ollie and Mads confront their relationship and make a difficult decision to part ways, adding depth to their characters.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of moving on from a past relationship, with authentic dialogue and complex character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ollie and Mads are well-developed characters with complex emotions and motivations, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie experiences a significant change as he faces the reality of Mads leaving him, leading to a moment of desperation and loneliness.

Internal Goal: 8

Mads' internal goal in this scene is to find closure and move on from her relationship with Ollie. Her dialogue reflects her desire to be free from the past and start anew.

External Goal: 7

Mads' external goal is to leave Ollie and move on with her life. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in ending the relationship and finding her own path.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ollie's desire to hold onto Mads and her decision to leave creates tension and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie's desperate pleas contrasting with Mads' determination to leave.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Ollie grapples with the loss of Mads and the uncertainty of their future, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship dynamics between Ollie and Mads, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected decision Mads makes to leave Ollie, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between holding onto the past and embracing the future. Ollie represents the past and nostalgia, while Mads symbolizes the need for change and growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, regret, and hopelessness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and raw, capturing the heartbreak and vulnerability of the characters in a compelling way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the uncertainty of their future.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment of decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with a clear buildup of tension and emotional release.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of exposition and lacks a clear hook. While the audience has been introduced to the characters and their situation, the scene needs to start with a stronger sense of tension or conflict to grab their attention.
  • The dialogue feels a bit stilted and repetitive. The characters seem to be stating their feelings rather than expressing them organically. For example, "You told me I would be yours, that we would turn grey together" feels like a line out of a love song, rather than something a real person would say in this situation.
  • The emotional beats of the scene feel uneven. Mads' anger and betrayal feel abrupt given the previous scene, which ended with them dancing and expressing affection. A little more backstory and justification for Mads' anger would be beneficial.
  • The scene is too focused on dialogue and lacks visual storytelling. The description of the setting is minimal and doesn't create a vivid picture for the audience. The scene could benefit from more sensory details to make the setting come alive.
  • The final image of Ollie's scream feels a bit melodramatic and doesn't fully land. It's better to show the emotion rather than tell it. Perhaps a close-up on Ollie's face as he looks into the empty tent would be more impactful.
  • The scene ends on a note of despair that is not entirely consistent with the overall tone of the script. While Ollie's situation is certainly dire, the script seems to be more interested in exploring the complexities of his relationship with Mads, not just his loneliness.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more dramatic action. Perhaps Mads finds a piece of evidence that confirms the men are following them, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • Give the characters more agency. Mads should not only be angry, but also actively looking for solutions, suggesting they could try to escape or hide.
  • Develop the tension between Ollie and Mads organically. Perhaps Mads' anger is due to a misunderstanding, or perhaps she's afraid of what will happen if they stay together.
  • Create a more visceral and evocative setting. Use sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. Show us the rundown tent, the dust, the smell of smoke, and the oppressive heat.
  • Show Ollie's pain, rather than just telling us. Perhaps he starts to sob uncontrollably, or he collapses on the ground in despair. Give the audience something tangible to connect with.
  • Consider ending the scene on a note of ambiguity, leaving the audience with unanswered questions about Mads's fate and Ollie's next move.



Scene 14 -  Unwelcome Guests
EXT. OLLIE’S TENT - CONTINUOUS

Mads emerges from the tent, makes her way towards the end
of the field. Towards the forest. She passes the
stationary amusement rides, a few caravans.

As Mads passes one caravan, the door opens. Benny skips
out, Bartley emerges behind with a mug of tea. He watches
Benny approach Mads.

BENNY
Hey, hey. Can I ask you somefin,
darling?

Mads keeps walking, not even breaking stride.

BENNY
I’m not going to grab ya, if
that’s what you’re thinking. Would
you stop for me?

Mads keeps her eyes ahead. Benny rounds in front of her.

BENNY
Are you with dat boy? The quiet
one that won’t speak to anyone?

Mads stops. She gazes straight through Benny.

MADS
Why do you care?

BENNY
I want to know who your friend is.
I be recognising him from de tele
box. He’s already made himself at
home with me.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:
BENNY (CONT'D)
Suppose it’s only polite to say
hello to your neighbours. I’ve not
seen you on any of the rides. I’ve
not seen you pay your way to be
here.

MADS
We’re not here for fun.

BENNY
I reckon a girl like you enjoys
fun.

Mads turns back to the tent.

MADS
Leave him alone.

BENNY
I know why you’re here.

MADS
You have no idea.

BENNY
You might not think much of our
lot.
(beat)
We won’t report ya.

The words ring inside Mads head.

BENNY
You’re a long way from safety, so
I suggest you give us some
respect.

Mads holds for a beat.

MADS
Are you threatening me?

BENNY
I wouldn’t threaten a beautiful
woman like yourself. But you let
your boy know I can be very nasty.

Mads looks to the caravan door, to Bartley sipping his
cup.

MADS
I’m sure you could be.

CUT TO:
32.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mads, seeking solace in the forest surrounding a carnival, encounters Benny, a resident of the caravan community. Benny, aware of Ollie's fame, expresses hostility towards their presence and attempts to intimidate Mads, threatening their safety. Mads remains defiant, asserting their purpose and rejecting Benny's warnings. The scene ends with Mads returning to her tent, leaving the conflict unresolved and the tension palpable.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of visual cues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and suspenseful, with strong character dynamics and a sense of impending conflict. The dialogue is impactful and drives the tension forward.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation in a field between Mads and Benny adds depth to the character relationships and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the confrontation, revealing the power struggle and potential dangers faced by the characters. It sets up future developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the carnival setting, portraying it as a dangerous and unsettling environment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Mads and Benny are well-defined in this scene, with clear motivations and conflicting agendas. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Mads undergoes a shift in her perception of safety and trust, while Benny's menacing behavior reveals more about his character. The scene sets up potential changes in their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Mads' internal goal in this scene is to protect her friend, the quiet boy, from the potentially dangerous individuals at the carnival. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her loyalty to those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

Mads' external goal is to navigate the threatening situation with Benny and Bartley without escalating the conflict or putting herself or her friend in further danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Mads and Benny is palpable, with tensions running high and the potential for violence looming. The power struggle adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny posing a significant threat to Mads and her friend. The audience is left uncertain about how Mads will handle the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the confrontation between Mads and Benny, with the potential for violence and betrayal hanging in the air. The characters' safety and trust are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments. It adds layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and the characters' hidden agendas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power dynamics and the idea of respect. Benny tries to assert his dominance over Mads, but she pushes back against his threats, challenging his authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to defiance and determination. The interactions between the characters are emotionally charged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and revealing, showcasing the power dynamics between Mads and Benny. It adds layers to the characters and builds suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tense atmosphere, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the suspense throughout the confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension gradually and culminating in a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual but lacks a clear purpose. We understand Mads is leaving, but why she’s walking towards the forest isn’t immediately clear.
  • Benny’s entrance feels a bit clunky. He’s introduced as a minor character, yet he instantly takes control of the scene, which feels jarring.
  • The dialogue feels a bit unnatural. It’s not bad, but it’s not very character-driven. Benny’s lines feel more like exposition than actual dialogue.
  • Mads is portrayed as passive. She seems more like a character reacting to Benny rather than taking agency. This doesn’t align with her previous defiance and strength.
  • The tension between Mads and Benny isn’t clear. The scene hints at a threat, but it feels more like a vague warning than a genuine conflict.
  • The scene feels a bit rushed. The conflict between Mads and Benny feels underdeveloped and resolved too quickly. This weakens the impact of Mads’s decision to leave.
  • The ending feels abrupt and lacks impact. While the scene clearly sets up the conflict for the next one, the emotional impact of Mads’s departure feels lost.
  • The scene doesn’t do enough to connect to the previous scene or the overall plot. It’s unclear what Mads’s motivation is for leaving, and the scene feels disconnected from the larger arc of the story.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear objective. Why is Mads walking towards the forest? Is she searching for something? Is she trying to escape? This will give the scene a stronger sense of purpose.
  • Give Benny more character. Why is he interested in Mads? What is his motivation? What does he want to achieve? This will make his presence more impactful and believable.
  • Make the dialogue more character-driven. Give Mads a stronger voice. What are her thoughts and feelings? How does she react to Benny’s threats? This will make the scene more compelling and engaging.
  • Explore the conflict between Mads and Benny. What are the stakes? What is at risk? This will create a sense of tension and danger that will keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
  • Slow down the scene and allow the tension to build. Give the audience time to understand the conflict between Mads and Benny. This will make the scene more powerful and memorable.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Show the emotional impact of Mads’s decision to leave. This will give the scene more resonance and leave a lasting impression on the audience.
  • Connect the scene to the overall plot. How does this scene advance the narrative? What are the implications for the future of the story? This will make the scene feel more relevant and important.



Scene 15 -  Rage and Memory
INT. OLLIE’S TENT - SAME TIME

On Ollie. Listening to the last faint words Mads spoke.
He simmers, his breathing becoming irregular.


EXT. OLLIE’S TENT - CONTINUOUS

Ollie CHARGING from his burnt out tent, pacing with
intent across the grass. As he-

Reaches Benny, delivering a LOADED PUNCH. Benny takes it,
smiles. Then Ollie delivers ONE MORE. Benny hits the
deck.

Unconscious, Ollie mounts Benny. He delivers more
punches. Benny covered in his own blood. His nose gushes.
His teeth crumble under every punch. His jaw dislocates.

Punch after punch. Benny’s face caves in. Ollie is
relentless and savage, until-

CUT TO:


OLLIE

Watching Mads disappear into the forest. And Benny,
standing in front of him, waiting for an answer. Ollie
looks across to Bartley. To his cup of tea still
steaming.

BENNY
I know about you. I know your
story.

OLLIE
We don’t have one.

BENNY
Everybody has a story. Out in the
middle of nowhere, your burnt
tent, no possessions, a backpack.
You’ve got a story for sure.
(beat)
I bet it’s a good one.

OLLIE
You know police, I’m sure of it.

BENNY
I’ll forget you were ever here.
33.


INT. BUNGALOW LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dated wallpaper decorated with flowers. Black and white
photos are placed sporadically around the room. A wedding
in the 1940s, a happy couple. A soldier.

A Grandfather clock TICKING IN THE CORNER.

A FRAGILE WOMAN, 88, deep eyes and cropped hair. She sits
in a large chair in the middle of the room. She stares
into the TV, glazed over.

A repeat of a daytime drama plays out.

Ollie shuffles into the room, broader and clean shaven.
He sees the back of her head. He moves around the chair,
taking up position beside his GRANDMOTHER on the arm.

OLLIE
What’s this?
(repeating, louder)
Nan, what’s this?

NAN
Sorry, young man. M-- My hearing
fails me sometimes.
(turning back to the
TV)
Isn’t she stunning?

OLLIE
Beautiful.

On TV, the murderer is revealed. No response from Nan.

OLLIE
Did you guess right?

NAN
(blank)
Sorry?

Ollie dies inside.

OLLIE
Come on, you need to change.

NAN
What?

OLLIE
You need to change. Get out of
your pyjamas.



(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:

NAN
I’m ready. I’ve not got long
before I leave.

OLLIE
Leave?

NAN
For work.

OLLIE
Come on. You’re home now. You can
change.

NAN
Okay.

Ollie takes Nan’s arm and hoists her up. She is no weight
at all.

His eyes fall on Nan’s chair. To the wet patch that
occupies where his guardian just sat. Ollie leads Nan
from the room.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Consumed by anger over Mads' disappearance, Ollie viciously assaults Benny, inflicting significant damage. The scene then shifts to a flashback, where a younger Ollie tries to help his grandmother, who is battling memory loss and confusion. Her disorientation and inability to understand her situation frustrates Ollie, highlighting the contrast between his present rage and his past struggles with his grandmother's declining mental state.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Violence may be too graphic for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with intense moments of violence and revelation that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Ollie's past and the impact it has on his present actions is compelling and adds depth to the character.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of Ollie's family history and the escalating conflict with Benny and Mads.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring internal conflict and vulnerability through physical violence and emotional confrontation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ollie, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he confronts his past and faces the consequences of his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to confront his past and his emotions, as seen through his violent outburst towards Benny and his flashback to his grandmother.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to protect himself and maintain his tough exterior in front of Benny.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie, Benny, and Mads is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny challenging Ollie's tough exterior and forcing him to confront his past and vulnerabilities.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Ollie's relationships with Mads and Benny are tested, and his past comes back to haunt him.

Story Forward: 8

The scene reveals crucial information about Ollie's background and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden outburst of violence from Ollie and the unexpected revelations in the flashback.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Ollie's desire to hide his past and his vulnerability, and Benny's attempt to uncover the truth and connect with Ollie on a deeper level.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of Ollie's past, his violent outburst, and the emotional turmoil with Mads.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, revealing key information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and emotional conflict, as well as the mystery surrounding Ollie's past and his relationship with Benny.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, enhancing the impact of Ollie's violent outburst and the emotional confrontation with Benny.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic and intense scene, effectively conveying the tension and emotion.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with flashbacks, adding depth to the narrative and character development.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a jarring transition from the previous one, immediately throwing us into violent action. While this might be effective for a short film, it feels rushed in a longer script. Consider giving the audience a moment to process Ollie's emotional state before the violence starts.
  • The violence itself is excessive and feels gratuitous. It's hard to understand Ollie's motivation for beating Benny so savagely, especially since Benny seems passive in the face of the attack. This scene could benefit from some internal conflict or motivation on Ollie's part.
  • The scene then shifts to a flashback without any clear transition. This abrupt change in time and tone disrupts the flow of the story and leaves the reader feeling lost. Consider using a more gradual transition, such as a fade out or a visual cue, to introduce the flashback.
  • The flashback itself feels clunky and uneventful. The dialogue between Ollie and his grandmother is predictable and lacks any dramatic tension. Consider exploring the relationship between Ollie and his grandmother in more depth, revealing the emotional impact of her condition on him.
  • The scene ends with Ollie leading his grandmother away, leaving the flashback unresolved. This unresolved ending feels unsatisfying and leaves the reader wondering what happened next. Consider ending the flashback with a more definitive closure, such as a glimpse of Ollie's emotional reaction or a hint at the consequences of this encounter.
  • The scene's overall structure feels choppy and lacking in coherence. It jumps between action, dialogue, and flashback without any clear purpose or direction. Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive narrative arc.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a close-up on Ollie's face, showcasing his simmering rage and the turmoil within him. Allow his anger to build gradually before the violence erupts.
  • Explore Ollie's motivation for attacking Benny. Is it fueled by revenge, frustration, or a desire for control? Make his actions understandable, even if they are morally wrong.
  • Use a visual cue to transition to the flashback. Perhaps Ollie sees a photograph of his grandmother, or a flashback starts with a specific sound like the grandfather clock ticking.
  • Develop the relationship between Ollie and his grandmother. Explore their shared history, their emotional connection, and the impact of her condition on Ollie. Consider adding internal monologues or flashbacks to reveal Ollie's deeper feelings.
  • End the flashback with a powerful image or moment that encapsulates the emotional weight of the situation. Perhaps Ollie breaks down in tears, or a specific detail about his grandmother's condition highlights the gravity of her illness.
  • Reorganize the scene to create a smoother narrative flow. Consider starting with the flashback and then using it as a catalyst for Ollie's anger and the subsequent violence. This approach would create a clearer connection between Ollie's past and his present actions.



Scene 16 -  A Gentle Touch
EXT. FIELD - DAY (PRESENT)

Mads. She stands round the back of several mobile homes.
She waits a moment, watching something off-screen.
Gently, she moves towards the paddock fence. Rests her
chin on the top rail, looping her arms through the bars.

Mads watches a GYPSY HORSE graze. The animal lifts a
head, watching Mads in silence.

The horse moves towards the back of the paddock. Mads
rounds the edge of the circle, moving behind the animal.
She reaches out.

MADS
I promise my hands are warm.

On contact the animal shivers, then relaxes. Turns to
Mads. Sniffs her hair. Mads holds her face further away,
her hair just out of reach of the animal.

A moment as the horse pushes its muzzle closer to Mads. A
beat before Mads leans closer, allowing the horse to
smell her hair.

MADS
There. That’s not so bad. I think
we’ll be fine.



(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:

Mads reaches across the animals poll. She runs her hands
down the crest, running her fingers through the white
hair.

As Mads cuddles the horse in closer, the larger SHIRE
HORSE emerges from an open trailer. A magnificent beast.
Mads releases her grip on the smaller horse. We-

CUT TO:

The back of BENNY’S HEAD. Following him towards another
caravan. The inside is dark black, smoke curdling in the
atmosphere.

We follow Benny through the door, into darkness.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Mads, with a gentle touch, calms a nervous Gypsy horse in a field. She runs her hands down its crest, soothing it with her presence. A large Shire horse emerges from a trailer nearby, adding to the peaceful scene. The scene shifts to a dark caravan where Benny, following Ollie, enters, leaving the viewer wondering what awaits him inside.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be overly dramatic
  • Dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, romance, and thriller elements to create a compelling narrative with high emotional stakes and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring relationships, personal secrets, and betrayals in a carnival setting is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of conflict, emotion, and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of human-animal connection, focusing on the subtleties of communication and empathy. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and genuine.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Multiple characters experience significant changes in their relationships and personal growth throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Mads' internal goal is to establish a connection with the horses, showing her desire for companionship and understanding of animals.

External Goal: 6

Mads' external goal is to interact with the horses peacefully and gain their trust.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the characters' actions and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the potential danger of interacting with wild animals and the uncertainty of how the horses will react to Mads' presence.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters face betrayals, personal revelations, and emotional turmoil that could change their lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important character dynamics, conflicts, and plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the potential danger in interacting with wild animals and the introduction of the Shire horse, adding a new element to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Mads' gentle approach to the horses and the potential danger or unpredictability of interacting with wild animals. This challenges Mads' belief in the power of empathy and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its intimate moments, betrayals, and character revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of intimacy and tension through the interactions between Mads and the horses, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution with the introduction of the Shire horse.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a focus on Mads' interaction with the horses and the introduction of a new element (the Shire horse) for added tension.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with Mads's gentle approach to the horse, but then feels oddly paced. The descriptions of her movements feel clunky and unnecessary. The dialogue, 'I promise my hands are warm,' feels forced and uncharacteristic of the character.
  • The horse's reaction is underwhelming. It shivers and relaxes, but there's no sense of its character or personality emerging. It's a bit too simple and predictable.
  • The scene feels uneventful and lacking in tension. The interaction between Mads and the horse is sweet but ultimately doesn't have much dramatic weight. There's no real conflict or sense of urgency.
  • The transition to Benny's head abruptly cuts the emotional connection with Mads and the horse. The abruptness of the cut feels jarring, and the shift in tone is sudden and disruptive.
  • The final shot of Benny's head entering a dark caravan is not particularly evocative or intriguing. It doesn't create much suspense or pique the reader's interest in what might happen next.
  • The scene feels like it's serving as a transition rather than a fully developed scene. It's a bit of a filler scene and could be condensed or combined with other moments to create a more impactful story.
  • The connection between the horse scene and the next scene with Benny is not clear. The writer needs to create a stronger bridge between the two scenes, perhaps by adding a visual cue, a sound effect, or a line of dialogue that connects the two.
  • The end of the previous scene, with Ollie's focus on the wet patch left by Nan, is a powerful visual but its significance is lost as the scene with Mads and the horse follows it immediately. The visual impact of the previous scene is not carried into the present scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing Mads's character through her interactions with the horse. What does the horse represent to her? Is there a deeper connection between them? Can the interaction with the horse reveal something about Mads's own personality or her relationship with Ollie?
  • Consider adding conflict or tension to the scene. Maybe the horse is skittish, or Mads is trying to overcome a fear of animals. This could make the scene more engaging and interesting.
  • Rethink the transition to Benny's head. Maybe find a smoother way to transition to the next scene, perhaps with a slow dissolve, a shared visual element, or a sound bridge.
  • Try to create a more compelling visual ending to the scene. What could Benny see inside the caravan? What is the atmosphere like? Can the scene end with a question mark or a hint of danger?
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue to Mads's interactions with the horse. Perhaps a line that hints at her anxieties, her hopes for the future, or her thoughts about Ollie.
  • Cut the scene down to focus on the essential elements, or integrate it into the previous scene. The horse scene could be a powerful visual element that enhances the previous scene, without needing to stand alone.



Scene 17 -  Hallucinations and Consequences
INT. CARAVAN - CONTINUOUS

A room of blackness. A strobe light activates, savaging
the occupants. At least THIRTY PEOPLE stuffed in the
space. Benny sways, the hotboxed interior thick.

Benny’s vision blurs. He slumps in a corner of the gutted
caravan. The strobe is slower, like flashbulbs from a
camera. A WET SUCTION-

Then-

An extreme CLOSE UP on the wall of the caravan. To a
DRAGONFLY METAMORPHOSIS. The creature slips from it’s
hold. The strobe catches on different frames. Complete,
the Dragonfly slips out and flies into the particles of
the thick green air.

Then-

Back to Benny. A TEENAGE GIRL now in his lap. She sucks
on his face. His neck. Benny rests his face on her lips,
then looks into her eyes. Her eye lids blink at his
vertically. We push into the reflection of Benny in this
Girls eyes. He morphs into the body of a Dragonfly.

Then-

A SELECTION OF SHOTS

- Benny stands in a SUPERMARKET aisle as the Dragonfly.

- Benny stands with a drink at a HOUSE PARTY as the
Dragonfly.

- Benny texts on his mobile at a BUS STOP as the
Dragonfly.


(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED:

- Benny plays football on a Sunday morning at a LOCAL
PARK as the Dragonfly.

- Benny is arrested in the dead of night as the
Dragonfly. Blue flashing lights as he is lowered into a
police vehicle.

- Benny sits on a bed in a PRISON CELL as the Dragonfly.

Then we-

CUT TO:


INT. CARAVAN - DAY

We follow this Dragonfly as it flies through the
particles of sweat, alcohol spray and VISUAL MUSIC BEATS.
The audio waves vibrate as the Dragonfly floats,
stationary. Another Dragonfly, a mirror image. Together
they dance in total synchronisation.

Then-

Back to Benny. And the Girl, her tongue protruding from
her mouth. That of a SNAKE. Long, splitting in two at the
end. We can see the tongue moving down Benny’s throat,
down his oesophagus, towards his heart. The tongue
retracts. Benny watches her eyes roll over white.

Then-

ANOTHER SHOT

A snake moving through grass in a field. Benny, still as
a Dragonfly, stamps down on the animal. He lifts it to
his mouth and BITES ITS HEAD OFF.

Then-


INT. CARAVAN - DAY

Benny stands in the middle of the room. The smoke engulfs
him as bodies sweat and gush around him. Dancing in SLOW-
MOTION.

Then-

Nan appearing. Through the smoke. Brief, but she’s there,
in her night dress. A flash and she’s gone. Benny waits,
his eyes a deep red bloodshot. He takes a drag from a
spliff.



(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:

Then-

The Girl grinding on Benny. Somebody throws a beer
through the room. The can bounces... EXPLODES FROTH. The
sticky substance soaks through Benny’s hair.

Then-

Benny. Wedged between bodies. The room begins to move as
one. Bodies move in one direction, then the other. More
people crowd into the caravan until movement is near
impossible.

But she is in front of him. Mads taking a drag on a
spliff.

Then Mads passes the spliff to Benny. He takes a drag. He
passes it on to the Girl. She takes a drag and passes it
to another YOUTH.

The Youth takes a long drag. Exhales quickly. Then almost
instantly begins shaking. He GASPS FOR AIR, his face
going red. Nobody in the room notices. Only Benny
watches, the rest of the world moving on with the party.

The Youth collapses to the floor. Benny watches the young
man FROTH AT THE MOUTH. He convulses, the white liquid
passing from his mouth. His eyes roll over white as he
chokes on his own vomit. The liquid covers the floor,
wrapping around Benny’s feet.

Pushed against windows, walls and each other. Through the
smoke, Benny finds the door. He pushes it open-
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary In a chaotic party inside a crowded caravan, Benny experiences a drug-induced hallucination, transforming between a dragonfly and a snake. Amidst the psychedelic visuals and thick smoke, he engages in wild activities, including dancing and a brief sexual encounter. The atmosphere darkens when a young man collapses and dies after smoking a spliff, an event Benny witnesses without intervening. The scene culminates with Benny leaving the caravan into the darkness, hinting at uncertain and potentially dangerous outcomes.
Strengths
  • Surreal imagery
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Symbolic storytelling
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to abstract visuals
  • Limited dialogue may require close attention to interpret

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying a sense of unease and tension through its surreal and disturbing imagery. The use of symbolism and visual storytelling enhances the emotional impact and leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Benny's inner turmoil and descent into darkness through surreal and symbolic imagery is executed with creativity and depth. The scene effectively conveys the character's psychological state and adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through Benny's internal struggles and the escalating tension within the caravan party. The scene adds depth to Benny's character and sets the stage for further conflict and development in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its use of surreal and symbolic imagery, as well as its non-linear storytelling approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Benny's character is explored in depth, showcasing his inner demons and moral ambiguity. The scene also introduces Mads and the Youth, adding complexity to the character dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Benny undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, symbolized by the Dragonfly metamorphosis. His descent into darkness and moral decay is foreshadowed, setting the stage for further character development and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Benny's internal goal in this scene seems to be a sense of transformation or escape from his current reality. The imagery of him morphing into a dragonfly suggests a desire for freedom and a break from the constraints of his surroundings.

External Goal: 7

Benny's external goal in this scene is to navigate the chaotic and dangerous environment of the party in the caravan. He is also shown interacting with other characters and participating in the party activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Benny grapples with his inner demons and moral choices. The tension escalates with the introduction of the Youth's tragic fate, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his sense of self and his place in the chaotic environment.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Benny's moral choices and actions have severe consequences, leading to tragic events and escalating tensions. The characters' fates hang in the balance, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character arcs, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future events. The internal struggles and moral dilemmas faced by Benny and Mads add complexity to the narrative and drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to its surreal and symbolic elements, as well as the unexpected twists and turns in Benny's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the juxtaposition of transformation and destruction. Benny's transformation into a dragonfly symbolizes change and freedom, while the violent act of biting off a snake's head represents aggression and destruction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, shock, and unease through its intense visuals and disturbing imagery. The character dynamics and moral dilemmas add depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, focusing on visual storytelling and symbolic imagery to convey emotions and themes. The silence and actions speak volumes, adding to the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and immersive atmosphere, as well as the mystery surrounding Benny's transformation and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued by the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the chaotic and surreal nature of the environment. The use of visual and auditory cues enhances the sensory experience for the audience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the dreamlike and disorienting atmosphere. It deviates from traditional narrative conventions, adding to its uniqueness.


Critique
  • This scene is visually busy and confusing. The rapid cuts and shifts in perspective, while attempting to convey a drug-induced state, are ultimately disorienting for the reader. The scene feels more like a montage than a scene with a clear purpose.
  • The visual metaphor of the dragonfly is unclear. What is the symbolic meaning of Benny turning into a dragonfly? Is it meant to represent his fragility or his detachment from reality? It needs to be more explicitly tied to the narrative.
  • The scene is lacking in character development and conflict. While Benny is present, he is essentially passive, reacting to the events around him rather than driving the action. The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for Benny, which makes it feel aimless and lacks tension.
  • The scene is over-reliant on visual description and lacks dialogue. This makes it difficult to connect with the characters and understand their motivations. Dialogue would provide more depth and meaning to the scene and offer the audience a better understanding of what is happening.
  • The scene is too long. The rapid cuts and repetition of visuals make it feel drawn out and repetitive. It needs to be streamlined and focused, highlighting only the most important details.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear sense of resolution. The audience is left wondering what happens next. The scene needs to have a stronger ending that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
  • The scene feels more like a music video than a scene in a screenplay. It is more concerned with stylistic flourishes than with advancing the plot or character development. The screenplay should focus on telling a story, not creating a visual spectacle.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the scene and focus on a single, clear objective. What is Benny trying to achieve in this scene? What is the scene's purpose in relation to the overall narrative?
  • Develop Benny's character in this scene. Give him a voice through dialogue and show him actively interacting with his environment. What is his reaction to the events unfolding around him? How does the drug-induced state affect him?
  • Simplify the visual metaphors. The dragonfly imagery feels like a distraction. Consider finding a different way to convey Benny's altered state of mind.
  • Introduce conflict to the scene. What obstacles is Benny facing in this scene? Is there someone he's trying to reach or something he's trying to avoid?
  • Explore the relationship between Benny and the girl. What is their dynamic? Are they in a relationship, or is it a fleeting encounter? What is the significance of the snake tongue imagery?
  • End the scene with a strong payoff. What is the consequence of Benny's actions in this scene? How does this scene impact the overall narrative?
  • Avoid excessive reliance on visual descriptions. Instead, focus on using dialogue and action to convey the story. The screenplay should rely more on action and dialogue to communicate what's happening on screen.



Scene 18 -  Fairground Fury
EXT. CARAVAN - CONTINUOUS

The caravan spits Benny out. He hits the grass face
first, the high delaying his central nervous system. His
arms flay, then his face looks up. The smoke from the
caravan spreads across the grass.

Somebody shuts the caravan door from inside. Benny
steadies himself.

MADS (O.S.)
You okay?

Benny takes the sight of over SEVEN HUNDRED REVELLERS
partying to a makeshift DJ booth across the other side of
the fairground. Somebody close shuffles to RENEGADE
MASTER.




(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:

His vision distorts, a blur of colours passing through
his sight. This colour is the horse paddock in the
distance.

Benny steadies himself, taking in the sight of the two
horses ENGULFED IN FLAMES. They stand still, alive,
breathing as their bodies are BURNING ORANGE.

A silhouette of another man CLOSING IN ON HIM-


EXT. FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Ollie in the mesh of people. They begin to dance. And
then, once again, it rains. Pours.

Ollie spots the horses through the bodies. They canter,
circling their paddock ON FIRE. The flames reflect in
Ollie’s black eyes.


EXT. CARAVAN - NIGHT

Ollie closes in on the caravan. He looks to see Benny,
surrounded by more gypsy men, fighting with another man.
This must be DAVIE.

The two men. They lay punch after punch on one another.
Aggressive and crunchy. Round after round, slog after
slog. Davie, then Benny, then Davie.

Benny takes a breather, Davie respecting this stage of
the fight. His lip bleeds and Benny wipes this.

He gets back to his feet. Davie throws some more warm-up
punches into blank air. Then he races back to Benny.
Benny dodges, offers a blow to Davie.

The blood and spit catapult from Davie’s mouth in SLOW-
MOTION. Benny takes his chance, tackling Davie to the
moist grass.

GYPSY MEN watch on, drinking beer. Another fight, two
young men moving through the motion of this cultural
ritual.

Benny pummels Davie, Davie scrapping to defend his face.
Then gripping to Benny’s wrists.

With a simple shift of weight, Davie reverses the roles.
Benny is on his back and Davie punches over and over. The
punches increase, the power prevailing.

Benny can’t find any defence-


(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:

The world slows down. The force of a punch turns Benny’s
face sideways. The world at ninety degrees, Benny’s POV
highlighting Ollie, standing at the paddock, laughing.

Davie is pulled up from figures off-screen.

Benny finds Ollie in the crowd and they keep that eye
contact, Bartley moving into focus behind Ollie. Witness
to his boys failure.

Benny spits blood across the grass. More crimson blood
pours from Benny’s ear, then across his face, earthwards.

He takes his defeat as Davie bounces up and away to
celebrate victory.

Benny pulls himself across the grass. A painful, slow
procedure. He reaches out without looking, his hand
clasping around a metal fence. The edge of the paddock.

Benny pulls himself up, looping each arm round the metal
straits of the fencing. As he reaches standing, he comes
face to face with the Shire horse.

The beast stares down at his owner, then swivels slowly,
revealing the ORIGAMI HORSE perched on the animals hind.
Benny is gentle, stroking the animals fur.

OLLIE
Beautiful animals.

BENNY
What would you know about them?

OLLIE
They’re too big for that
enclosure.

Benny slumps next to the paddock.

BENNY
And where would you suggest
puttin’ em?

OLLIE
If he was mine, the big one, I’d
set him free here. I suppose
someone could steal him.

Benny scans Ollie from head to toe.

BENNY
Who are you?



(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
You can have this.

Ollie reaches in his pocket. Presents the small ball of
“cocaine” to Benny. Benny ignores him, so Ollie tosses it
beside him to the wet grass.

OLLIE
It still fucks me up, but it’s at
least half baking powder. Remember
you told me your plan?

Benny peers up Ollie. But Ollie is already stalking away
to the funfair.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Benny, thrown from a caravan, finds himself in the midst of a chaotic fairground. He witnesses a horrifying spectacle of two horses engulfed in flames. Drawn into a violent fight with another man, Davie, Benny is defeated. As he recovers, he encounters Ollie, who observed the fight. Ollie offers Benny cocaine, which he refuses, leaving Benny wary of his intentions. Ollie then walks away, leaving Benny alone in the unsettling atmosphere of the fairground.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion in the hallucination sequence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with a high level of conflict and stakes that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of betrayal, desperation, and intense physical conflict is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the characters facing consequences of their actions and making crucial decisions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and conflict, with the portrayal of gypsy culture and violent rituals. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and undergo significant emotional turmoil, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly in their relationships and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Benny's internal goal is to prove himself in a fight against Davie and assert his dominance within the gypsy community. This reflects his need for respect and validation.

External Goal: 7

Benny's external goal is to win the fight against Davie and maintain his status within the gypsy community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and drives the emotional and physical actions of the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny facing physical and emotional challenges in the fight against Davie. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters face betrayal, conflict, and make life-changing decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the fight between Benny and Davie, as well as Ollie's surprising actions and suggestions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Benny's desire for power and respect through violence and Ollie's more passive approach to life, as seen in his suggestion to set the horse free.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, vivid descriptions, and emotional stakes for the characters. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to the climactic fight between Benny and Davie. The rhythm of the action enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension leading to the fight between Benny and Davie. The pacing and formatting enhance the intensity of the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit confusing and lacks focus. It jumps between different locations and perspectives, making it difficult to follow. It starts with Benny being thrown out of a caravan, then cuts to a wide shot of the fairground, then back to Benny, then to Ollie, then back to Benny again. This back and forth feels disjointed and doesn't create a clear sense of what's happening.
  • The scene is very visually descriptive but lacks any dialogue, which makes it hard to understand the characters' intentions and motivations. We see Benny in pain, we see Ollie watching him, we see them talk, but we don't hear what they're saying.
  • The scene is too focused on the fight between Benny and Davie, which doesn't seem to be particularly important to the overall story. This fight takes up a significant portion of the scene and feels like a distraction from the main conflict between Ollie and Benny.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ollie walking away and Benny looking at him. It feels like there's more to come, but it's left unresolved, which can be frustrating for the reader.
  • The fight scene is a bit too generic and lacks originality. It's essentially just a bunch of punches being thrown, with no real strategy or tension. The use of slow-motion feels unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the structure of the scene. Start with Benny being thrown out of the caravan and focus on his interactions with Ollie, cutting out the fight between Benny and Davie.
  • Add some dialogue to the scene, even if it's just a few lines, to give the reader a better understanding of what's happening and why. What is Ollie doing there? Why is he offering Benny cocaine? What is Benny's reaction to Ollie?
  • Make the encounter between Ollie and Benny more meaningful. What is their relationship? What is the significance of their encounter? Is Ollie trying to help Benny? Or is he trying to manipulate him? The scene needs to establish a clear reason for their interaction and develop the conflict between them.
  • Consider using visual imagery to show the characters' internal states, instead of relying on generic action sequences. For example, you could use a close-up on Benny's face to show his pain and confusion, or you could use a shot of Ollie's eyes to reveal his inner turmoil.
  • End the scene with a clear sense of resolution. What is the outcome of the encounter between Ollie and Benny? Does it change their relationship? Does it set up a new conflict? The scene needs a satisfying ending that leaves the reader wanting more.



Scene 19 -  Ascension
EXT. FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Ollie positions himself in the middle of the fair. He
surveys, looking for someone. But he doesn’t look too
long. Mads is approaching him.

MADS
I’m mad staying with you. I’ll be
grey by this time next week.

Ollie takes Mads’ hand.

OLLIE
I thought you’d be by the horses.

MADS
I was. I went to look for you.

OLLIE
Found me.

MADS
I found you.

OLLIE
You ready to go?

Ollie looks to the sky. His eyes widen, bursting open to
look at the galaxy of stars that populate the night sky.
A beautiful display of shining light getting closer.

The far stretches of the atmosphere are LITERALLY CLOSING
IN. And Ollie is RISING UP. He has left the ground,
floating skywards.

A couple of feet, above the party raging in the caravan.
Mads lets him go, watching him float away.



(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED:

He passes the height of the Ferris wheel spinning
teenagers in each others arms.

Then Ollie stops. And floats. Looking at the stars. His
body rotates, and now Ollie is looking down at the
fairground. The Ferris wheel. The tents. The crowds.

The BLUE FLASHING LIGHTS on the periphery.

Then to the surrounding darkness. A birds-eye view of the
nothingness beyond the field. Ollie looks back to the
party that rolls on over this small patch of land.

For the first time, a smile passes over Ollie’s face. And
he shuts his eyes.

CUT TO BLACK:

GENTLE BREATHING...
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Fantasy"]

Summary Ollie, amidst the bustling fairground, awaits a sign. His companion, Mads, expresses her frustration, but their plan is set in motion. As Ollie looks towards the night sky, the atmosphere shifts, and he is lifted into the air, floating above the fairground. Gazing down at the twinkling lights and darkness, Ollie smiles serenely, closing his eyes as he embarks on his journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Visual storytelling
  • Intimate dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and introduces a fantastical element that enhances the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ollie floating above the fairground adds a unique and visually striking element to the scene, enhancing the overall tone and theme.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ollie and Mads have a tender moment before Mads leaves, setting up potential conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a magical and surreal moment in a mundane setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's emotional impact.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ollie and Mads show depth and emotion in their interactions, with hints of internal conflict and growth.

Character Changes: 7

Mads makes a significant decision to leave Ollie, leading to potential growth and change for both characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find peace and escape from the chaos of the fairground. His desire to float away and look at the stars reflects his deeper need for tranquility and connection to something greater than himself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to connect with Mads and find a moment of peace and beauty in the midst of the fairground's chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict between Ollie and Mads, the scene focuses more on introspection and connection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the protagonist's internal struggle to find peace and escape, as well as the external challenges of the chaotic fairground environment.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high as Mads decides to leave Ollie, impacting their relationship and future interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connection between Ollie and Mads and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, with the protagonist floating away into the sky. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the mundane world of the fairground and the transcendent beauty of the stars. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of connection and escape.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of love, loss, and longing, particularly as Mads leaves Ollie behind.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intimate and reflective, adding to the dreamlike atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and visual beauty. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's experience and feels a sense of wonder and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to the climactic moment of the protagonist floating away. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual imagery.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression from the protagonist's search for peace to his transcendent experience in the sky. The formatting enhances the dreamlike quality of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene is visually striking and intriguing, but it feels rushed and lacking in emotional depth. The sudden shift to Ollie floating is jarring and lacks a clear explanation, which creates confusion for the audience. It also undermines the gravity of Ollie's actions in the previous scene.
  • Mads' line 'I’m mad staying with you. I’ll be grey by this time next week.' feels out of place and doesn't resonate with the scene's atmosphere. It's unclear what Mads means by this statement and how it relates to the events unfolding.
  • The scene's pacing is too fast. The dialogue between Mads and Ollie is brief and lacks a sense of intimacy or connection. The floating sequence feels more like a special effect than a meaningful moment in the story.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and doesn't provide a clear sense of closure. The gentle breathing sound seems out of place and doesn't contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The use of the blue flashing lights on the periphery feels like an afterthought and doesn't add anything significant to the scene. It's also unclear what they represent.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and doesn't significantly advance the plot. It feels like a filler scene designed to show off a visual effect rather than developing the characters or moving the story forward.
  • The scene's tone is inconsistent with the previous scenes. The shift from the violent encounter with Benny to Ollie's floating and peaceful gaze at the stars feels jarring and abrupt.
Suggestions
  • Develop the dialogue between Mads and Ollie to reveal their emotional state and the challenges they face. Explore their relationship and their individual motivations.
  • Provide a clear explanation for Ollie's sudden ascension. Is it a hallucination? Is he being lifted by an unseen force? Or is it a supernatural event? Give the audience a clue.
  • Explore Mads' reaction to Ollie floating away. Is she worried? Confused? Is there a sense of hope, fear, or relief in her reaction?
  • Slow down the pacing. Give the audience time to process the events unfolding. Consider adding a few lines of dialogue to reveal Mads and Ollie's thoughts and feelings.
  • End the scene with a stronger sense of closure. Show us what happens to Ollie as he floats away. Does he reach a specific destination? Does he have a conversation with someone or something? Does he have an epiphany? The current ending leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
  • Rethink the use of the blue flashing lights. Give them a clear purpose and connect them to the larger narrative. They could symbolize something important to the story, such as danger, warning, or a sense of the unknown.



Scene 20 -  The Missing Connection
INT. SOMEWHERE - SOMETIME (FLASHBACK)

A closed eye. An old wrinkled socket. Beneath this,
movement. Fluid, fighting off a dream. The battle races
on-

Then, the eyes open.

On Nan. Alert and terrified. PULLING OUT-

NAN’S BEDROOM

Nan moves her eyes from one target to the next.

A small television, flower wallpaper, and a large vanity
mirror all equip a dressing table. Volumes upon volumes
of makeup litter the table top.

Nan takes this in. Then she feels it, a hand CREEPING
OVER HER SHOULDER. She is safe. She rolls over.

The OLD MAN has a bright smile. Bittersweet.

OLD MAN
Morning.

NAN
Morning.

Face to face, the Old Man shuts his eyes and rolls back
into light sleep.




(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED:

Nan rolls back to her side of the bed. Finally at peace,
she shuts her eyes-

But they dart back open. She spots the photo on her
bedside cabinet.

Black and white, a young woman smiling in her wedding
dress. A church in the background, confetti floating
down. Her HUSBAND, slicked back hair, holding her tight.

Nan reaches back for her husbands hands, but they have
vanished. Vacated from her shoulder, Nan turns to her
man.

The bed is empty.

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Ollie peeks his head round.

OLLIE
Morning. Sleep well?

Nan peers through her duvet. Terrified of this stranger.


INT. OLLIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

The TV is old, terrestrial. Ollie flicks channel to
channel, paying no attention to whatever is on.

A photo on a cabinet: Ollie and Nan. A young eight year
old innocent boy.

A photo on a table: Ollie and Nan in a group photo. Some
balloons and banners in the background with the number
70.

Ollie looks to somebody off-screen. Then back. His eyes
glazed a soft moisture.

Then he leans towards someone, takes a hand. He rubs his
fingers over the palm.

OLLIE
Okay?

Nan sits across from Ollie. Intent, listening for Ollie
to start speaking.

NAN
You have lovely eyes.

OLLIE
You too.



(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:

NAN
My eyes are blurry now.

Ollie smiles at his grandmother. Gives her a wink.

NAN
Rien de rien.

OLLIE
What?

NAN
Piaf, Edith Piaf. Wonderful voice.
Amazing voice. The French woman
from the city of love.

Ollie moves across to a speaker station. The new
technology out of place within the dated wallpaper. The
song starts.

Nan talks the lyrics under her breath.

NAN
Il ne se passe jamais rien!...
Rien de rien...

Ollie adjusts the volume.

OLLIE
Do you want something to eat?

VOICE
Enough!

HANNAH is standing dominant in the frame of the door.

HANNAH
Lets get you ready, mum.

Ollie turns to his MOTHER. He watches her hardened face.
Nan talks to herself as Ollie keeps his eyes on his
mother.

NAN
She was abandoned at birth. She
lived with her grandmother for a
short time. The war came and, in
1916, her father took her away to
Normandy. Her mother lived there,
owned a brothel. She was there
from aged seven. By fourteen she
was a street performer. The
streets of Paris in 1929, can you
imagine?


(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
Bet she saw some sights.

NAN
She lost her baby to meningitis.
Nobody should have to see their
own child die.

Ollie crouches to Nan’s side. He takes her hand. Keeps
his eyes on Hannah.

OLLIE
Lets get you ready.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Nan wakes up disoriented and terrified, comforted only by an elderly man sleeping beside her. She finds a photo of her younger self in a wedding dress, but her husband is gone. A stranger, Ollie, enters, but Nan struggles to recognize him. The scene shifts to Ollie's living room, where pictures of him and Nan at different ages reveal a familial bond that Nan doesn't recall. Despite this confusion, Ollie engages with Nan, showing concern for her. His mother, Hannah, enters and instructs Ollie to prepare Nan, leaving a sense of underlying tension between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of intimacy and emotional depth through the interactions between Ollie and Nan, drawing the audience into their relationship and exploring themes of family and memory.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the relationship between Ollie and his grandmother, Nan, and delving into themes of family, memory, and the passage of time is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

While the scene focuses more on character interaction and emotional depth than plot progression, it effectively sets up the emotional stakes and relationships that will impact the story moving forward.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique blend of past and present elements, subtle character interactions, and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Nan are well-developed and their relationship is portrayed with depth and authenticity, allowing the audience to connect with their emotions and experiences.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie experiences a range of emotions and memories in his interactions with Nan, leading to a deeper understanding of his character and his relationship with his family.

Internal Goal: 8

Nan's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her memories and emotions surrounding her past, particularly her husband's absence and her own aging. This reflects her deeper needs for closure, acceptance, and connection.

External Goal: 7

Nan's external goal in this scene is to navigate her current relationships with her family members, particularly Ollie and Hannah. She is also trying to understand her current surroundings and situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle conflict in Nan's memory loss and Ollie's struggle to connect with her, the scene primarily focuses on emotional intimacy and reflection rather than external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Nan facing internal and external conflicts related to her past, present relationships, and family dynamics. The audience is left unsure of how Nan will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the relationship between Ollie and Nan and the themes of family and memory.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it provides important character development and emotional depth that will impact the story moving forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the blend of past and present elements, and Nan's internal struggles. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the emotional complexities of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between past and present, memory and reality, and the passage of time. Nan's reminiscences of Edith Piaf and her own life experiences highlight this conflict, challenging her beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in its exploration of family bonds, memory, and the passage of time.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Ollie and Nan is heartfelt and reflective, capturing the emotional nuances of their relationship and adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, subtle character interactions, and blend of past and present elements. The audience is drawn into Nan's internal and external struggles, as well as the family dynamics at play.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection, emotion, and tension to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the scene enhances the audience's engagement with the characters and their struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of flashback and present-day scenes is clearly delineated.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character introductions, and emotional beats. The flashback sequence is effectively integrated into the present-day interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual image of Nan's eye, which immediately draws the reader in. However, the flashback structure is confusing and unnecessary. The scene would be more impactful if it started directly with Nan waking up.
  • The description of Nan's bedroom is detailed, but it feels a bit too descriptive and could be condensed. Focus on the elements that are most important to the scene, like the vanity mirror and the photo.
  • The dialogue between Nan and the Old Man is a bit too simplistic and lacks depth. Explore their relationship more and show the emotional weight of their connection.
  • The scene feels rushed. The transitions between Nan's fear, her comfort, and her discovery of the empty bed are not smooth. The scene needs more time and detail to build the tension.
  • The introduction of Ollie feels abrupt. It's unclear why he is in Nan's house, and his interaction with Nan feels forced. The scene would be more effective if Ollie's presence was more organically introduced.
  • The transition to Ollie's living room feels jarring. The scene needs a more seamless transition to show the connection between the two locations.
  • The descriptions of the photos in Ollie's living room are a bit too expository. Instead of explicitly stating the ages of Ollie and Nan, show the reader the information through the visual details of the photos.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Nan is predictable and lacks authenticity. Explore their relationship more and reveal something meaningful about their connection.
  • The introduction of Hannah is sudden and forceful. Her presence is not adequately foreshadowed, and her dialogue feels clunky.
  • The scene ends abruptly. The final exchange between Ollie and Hannah leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict. There is no driving force that pushes the story forward.
  • The overall tone of the scene is a bit too melancholic and lacks dynamism. Explore the emotional tension between the characters and create a more engaging narrative.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Nan waking up in her bedroom, eliminating the flashback structure.
  • Focus on the details of Nan's bedroom that are most important to the scene, like the vanity mirror and the photo, and condense the description.
  • Explore the relationship between Nan and the Old Man in more detail, showing the emotional weight of their connection.
  • Slow down the pace of the scene and give the reader more time to experience Nan's fear, comfort, and discovery of the empty bed.
  • Introduce Ollie's presence more organically. For example, show Nan seeing Ollie outside the window or hearing him approaching the door.
  • Create a more seamless transition between Nan's bedroom and Ollie's living room. For example, show Nan leaving her bedroom and entering Ollie's living room.
  • Show the details of the photos in Ollie's living room instead of explicitly stating the ages of Ollie and Nan.
  • Explore the relationship between Ollie and Nan in more detail, revealing something meaningful about their connection.
  • Foreshadow Hannah's presence earlier in the scene. For example, show Ollie receiving a phone call or talking about his mother.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Show the consequences of Ollie's presence in Nan's house, or set up a new conflict for the next scene.



Scene 21 -  Benny's Dominance
EXT. FIELD - MORNING (PRESENT)

On Ollie, eyes darting open. The sweat and misery and mud
are smudged across his face. Another morning surrounded
by nothingness, only the moist grass and smoke from the
various extinguished fires across the camp.

Ollie takes a moment to get his breath back.

A white sky. Then Benny walking into frame, looming over
him.

BENNY
Mornin’.

Benny heaves Ollie to his feet. And within a second,
PUNCHES as hard as his body allows him. Ollie hits the
deck once more.

BENNY
Soft. The news made you sound
dangerous.

Ollie retaliates. Swings empty punches. Catches Benny
lightly, Benny defaulting back to a southpaw stance.
Ollie notices, feels out of depth.

Exchanges are sporadic, muted by Benny’s superior boxing
ability. Benny catches Ollie once more.

Ollie crumbles on one leg. Two figures in the morning
mist. Silent fighting.

Bartley watching from a caravan window.

BENNY
Keep going. Keep tryin’.




(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:

Benny delivers a jab. And Ollie stumbles over his own
feet, back to his home on the wet grass. Ollie lays
silent, gasping for air.

OLLIE
You have nothing you can hurt me
with.

BENNY
You’ve got nothing.

Ollie sniffs the blood back through his nose. Coughs it
into his hands.

BENNY
That’ll do for today.

Benny cranes over Ollie. Holds his foot inches from
Ollie’s face. Ollie blinks away dirt that falls from
Benny’s sole.

BENNY
I saw you smiling at me last
night, watching me slip up. Little
Davie knows I’ll be back.

Benny raises his foot in defence. Winding up, to stomp
down. But he lingers. Decides against it.

Ollie bleeds heavily from his mouth. He spits.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After waking up injured in a muddy field, Ollie is brutally attacked by Benny, a seasoned boxer who easily overpowers him. Benny mocks Ollie's weakness and lack of fighting spirit, leaving him battered and defeated on the ground. The scene ends with Benny taunting Ollie's perceived smile and promising to return, highlighting his dominance and Ollie's vulnerability.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding depth to the characters and the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a morning confrontation between two characters with a history of conflict is compelling and drives the narrative forward. It sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the power struggle and physical confrontation between Ollie and Benny, adding layers to their relationship and building suspense for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of survival and power struggles, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the harsh setting and circumstances.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Benny are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations, fears, and vulnerabilities. The scene allows for a deeper understanding of their dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Both Ollie and Benny undergo subtle changes in the scene, revealing new layers of their personalities and motivations. The confrontation leads to shifts in their dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to prove his strength and resilience despite being physically overpowered by Benny. This reflects his need for self-worth and validation in a harsh environment.

External Goal: 7.5

Ollie's external goal is to survive the physical confrontation with Benny and maintain his standing within the camp. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in a violent and competitive environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny is intense and drives the emotional and narrative tension of the scene. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny posing a physical and emotional challenge to Ollie that adds complexity and conflict to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the confrontation between Ollie and Benny add urgency and tension to the scene, raising the emotional and narrative stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between Ollie and Benny, setting the stage for future developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Ollie and Benny, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of their confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle for power and dominance in a harsh and unforgiving world. Benny represents the brutal and ruthless side of survival, while Ollie embodies resilience and defiance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of anger, fear, and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and conflicts. It leaves a lasting impact on the viewer.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, impactful, and reveals the tension between the characters. It adds depth to their interactions and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense physical confrontation, emotional stakes, and the dynamic between Ollie and Benny that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation between Ollie and Benny that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment between Ollie and Benny.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual, but the dialogue is a bit clunky. "Mornin’." is a weak opening line, especially followed by Benny immediately punching Ollie.
  • The fight scene is described in detail, but the action feels a bit repetitive. We know Benny is a better fighter, so the constant emphasis on Ollie's weakness feels redundant.
  • The line "Soft. The news made you sound dangerous." is a bit on the nose. It's not clear if Benny is actually being sarcastic or if the writer is just trying to emphasize Ollie's weakness.
  • The exchange "You have nothing you can hurt me with." and "You’ve got nothing." feels like a cliché. It's also a bit hard to believe that Ollie would be able to say this while bleeding from his mouth.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. Benny's threat to stomp on Ollie is never fulfilled, and the scene ends with Ollie bleeding and Benny walking away.
  • The line "I saw you smiling at me last night, watching me slip up." is not well explained and could be a confusing moment for the reader. What happened last night? Why would Benny think Ollie is smiling at him? This could be a powerful moment but needs more explanation.
Suggestions
  • Instead of starting with Benny punching Ollie, consider showing Ollie trying to get up, looking dazed and confused, before Benny approaches him. This will create more tension and suspense.
  • Cut back on the fight descriptions. Focus on the key moments and the emotional impact of the fight on both Ollie and Benny.
  • Use subtext instead of explicitly stating that Benny is a better fighter. Let the fight scene itself show this.
  • Consider a more subtle way to reveal Benny's thoughts on Ollie. Perhaps he gives a knowing look or makes a snide remark instead of directly stating his opinion.
  • Consider what Benny's motivation is for stopping short of stomping on Ollie. Does he have a change of heart? Is he simply playing with Ollie? Showing Benny's inner conflict will give the scene more complexity.
  • Add some visual details to the scene. For example, describe the smell of the mud, the feel of the grass on Ollie's skin, or the way the morning mist hangs in the air. These details will help to immerse the reader in the scene.



Scene 22 -  Into the Rhythm
EXT. TENTS/CAMP FIRE - DAY

Ollie uses some tissue to dab his wounds. Mads winces as
she watches.

OLLIE
Lets get going. Move with the
bodies. Avoid open space and
cameras. Saw a few at the shop and
some in the village.

Mads doesn’t listen. She watches the blood.

OLLIE
Babe, it’s fine.

MADS
Doesn’t look it.

OLLIE
Don’t worry about him, we’re
leaving.


(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:

MADS
Will he report us?

OLLIE
No. He’s a gypsy.

MADS
They never stop looking.

Ollie thinks about this.

ACROSS THE FIELD, the first of a dozen makeshift gazebo’s
starts playing music. Some DEEP HOUSE-


INT. MARQUEE - DAY

Ollie moves through the marquee with the revellers. Head
down, on the periphery as the DJ spins his closing mix.

All around Ollie are bodies on the grass, sleeping. Party
people who have collapsed asleep where they once stood,
the walking bodies glide over them with ease.

Then a figure in the middle of all of this, Mads. Her
body rises and falls as she breathes heavy.

Ollie watches Mads body breathe in unison with other
bodies. The whole mass of bodies BREATHING AS ONE. The DJ
begins to turn buttons on his decks. The bodies BREATH AS
ONE.

Mads rises to her feet, locking eyes with Ollie. Then
Ollie is over to her, pushing through the bodies.

The bodies around them rise, moving in one routine. Ollie
reaches Mads with a tight embrace.

He holds Mads gaze. The only body unable to move to the
rhythm. Mads sways back into the crowd, then disappears
behind bodies. Literally, as if through thin air.

Ollie moves his eyes to the floor, to the PYTHON
contorting in the shadows, beneath the stampede of feet.
The snake hisses as the FUR OF THE GERBIL is revealed.
The dead mammal is consumed as the python swallows the
animal whole.

Ollie returns his attention to the smiling faces. The DJ
starts a small smoke machine.

Then Nan. She is one of these bodies. Ollie’s nose
continues to flow red. But he doesn’t care, as he holds
Nan. They sway in each others arms.
47.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Injured and trying to escape, Ollie and Mads flee into a crowded festival tent. The hypnotic rhythm of the dancers, breathing in unison, provides a temporary cover for their flight. However, the unsettling scene of a python swallowing a gerbil beneath the oblivious feet of the revelers underscores the danger they are in. Seeking solace in the crowd, Ollie finds Nan and joins the hypnotic dance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Intense conflict
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing to the audience without further context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is rich in emotional depth, tension, and mystery, with strong character dynamics and a compelling plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, betrayal, and the consequences of drug use are well-developed and add depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a mix of romance, drama, and thriller elements that keep the audience intrigued.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the presence of a python consuming a gerbil, adding a sense of unpredictability and danger to the narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the atmosphere of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and undergo significant emotional turmoil, driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly in terms of betrayal and loneliness.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reassure Mads and maintain a sense of control in a dangerous situation. This reflects his need for security and protection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape without being caught or reported. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading capture.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of emotional turmoil, betrayal, and the characters' safety.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key plot points and character developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the presence of unexpected elements like the python consuming the gerbil, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's belief that they can escape without consequences and Mads' fear that they will be caught. This challenges the protagonist's worldview of being able to control the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in terms of love, fear, and loneliness.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, vivid imagery, and the characters' conflicting goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and resolution, effectively conveying the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with a good visual of Ollie tending to his wounds. It sets up the tension of their situation and Mads' worry.
  • The dialogue about Benny being a Gypsy feels like a lazy stereotype and doesn't contribute much to the scene's tension.
  • The transition to the marquee is abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the previous scene. The writer needs to find a way to bridge this gap smoothly.
  • The description of the bodies moving in unison feels overly descriptive and doesn't translate well to the screen. The visual would be more impactful if shown, not just told.
  • The scene becomes very literal and expository, telling the audience what is happening rather than showing it. For example, 'the DJ begins to turn buttons on his decks.' This doesn't need to be stated.
  • The scene is lacking in conflict and purpose. While visually interesting, it lacks a clear direction or development of the characters' motivations.
  • The sudden appearance of the python and the gerbil feels like an out-of-place distraction, adding nothing to the scene's narrative.
  • The ending of the scene with Ollie finding Nan feels rushed and anticlimactic. The scene lacks a proper closure and leaves the audience wondering why this was necessary.
Suggestions
  • Instead of stating that Benny is a Gypsy, show his actions or have Mads express her concern about his potential actions. This will create a more impactful and believable tension.
  • Use visuals to show the bodies moving in unison. Focus on the rhythm, the movement, and the energy of the scene. This will be more engaging than telling the audience what is happening.
  • Find a way to connect the previous scene to the marquee. Maybe Ollie and Mads are looking for a place to hide, or they're searching for something specific at the festival.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. Is this scene about Ollie's desire to blend in, Mads' feeling of being trapped, or a foreshadowing of something to come? Clarify the scene's role in the overall narrative.
  • Cut the description of the python and the gerbil. This scene doesn't need an extraneous visual distraction.
  • Focus on the emotional connection between Ollie and Nan. Show their shared grief or Ollie's attempt to connect with her. This will give the scene a greater emotional impact.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful moment. Perhaps Ollie sees something that raises more questions, or he makes a decision that changes the course of the story.



Scene 23 -  Into the Shadows
INT. NAN’S BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

On Nan in her usual position, perched in front of her
vanity mirror. Staring at herself, deep into her own
eyes. Her makeup is perfect.

Ollie approaches her from behind, looping his arms around
her neck. Nan slides her hands into his.

OLLIE
What are you looking at?

NAN
My eyes need some perking up.


INT. MARQUEE - DAY (PRESENT)

Nan and Ollie cradle one another. The sway has stopped.
They stand still.


INT. NAN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Nan and her Husband, the old man, cradle one another.
They sway to the music.

Nan’s Husband runs his fingers through her hair.


EXT. BEACH - DAY (PRESENT)

On an opening in the trees, to a vast stretch of land.
The sound of MOANING WAVES.

Ollie and Mads break through an opening. Ollie surveys
the stretch of sand. Quiet in a wistful wind.

OLLIE
Lets break here.

MADS
Don’t you want to stay with the
group?

OLLIE
We need to change.

MADS
Now?

OLLIE
Now.
48.


EXT. BEACH - DUSK

Ollie curls his bare feet into the sand, knees to his
chest, topless with loose fitting bottoms on. Tranquil
waves trickle over his feet.

On the horizon is a light from a cargo ship. Ollie raises
his arms and silently waves. The ship stays on course,
passing across the edge of the world.

Mads’ naked silhouette by the waterside. She dries off
with a towel. She makes her way back up towards the
beach.

MADS
You going in?

OLLIE
Yeah. But I’m wondering what the
point of getting out is.

MADS
I think we’re close. I can feel
it.

OLLIE
Don’t let it get in. Once it’s in,
it’ll destory you.

MADS
What?

OLLIE
Hope.

Ollie looks to Mads. Then reverts his eyes back to the
horizon. Out of sight, Ollie places a large stone in one
of his pockets.

OLLIE
I want to see her one last time.
See her in the flesh so she knows
I was there. She’s all I’ve got.
(beat)
I don’t mean anything to anybody
now.

MADS
That’s not true.

Mads moves up the beach to the pairs backpacks.

Ollie is quiet. He slides another rock into his other
pocket. Then he stands. A brisk walk to the waters edge.


(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
I always wonder what’s at the
bottom. You know, just under your
toes?

MADS
If we knew we’d never get in the
water.

OLLIE
What do you think’s down there?

MADS
Everything that used to be at the
top.

Ollie takes a few more steps. The sea up to his ankles.

He takes several confident strides into the water. Up to
his waist, still striding forward. He pushes against the
tide.

Then he is up to his neck. Mads stands on the shoreline-
watching her accomplice DISAPPEAR BENEATH THE WATER. And-

UNDERWATER

Ollie lets his body float just under the surface. Then he
moves with the tide, back and forth. He sinks further.

Particles of pollution, plastic and moss surround him. On
his face, his eyes flickering underneath. And back to the-

BEACH

Mads watching. Waiting. CURLING WAVES.

A floating mass, Ollie WASHING BACK UP TO THE SHORE.
Stillness. Ollie takes his time, spluttering and
coughing, his face covered in sand.

HEAVY BREATHING... hands wrapping round. Mads picking him
up.

Behind the forest a FIREWORK EXPLODES IN THE NIGHT SKY.
The multicoloured sky highlights the two lovers on this
small stretch of land.

Mads and Ollie turn to watch the colours in the sky.

MADS
What are you doing?




(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
Coldest water in the world.

Mads and Ollie make their way back towards the forest
edge. Then they disappear into the shadows.

Fireworks become more frequent in the night sky,
exploding above the small dot that is the Ferris wheel.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

A music beat. An ALTERNATIVE ELECTRONIC BEAT.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a poignant scene, Ollie and Mads share a moment on the beach, reflecting on their journey and Ollie's desire to see Nan one last time before he enters the water. As Ollie contemplates the significance of hope, he steps into the cold waves, leaving Mads on the shore. They watch fireworks illuminate the sky, symbolizing fleeting moments of beauty amidst uncertainty. The scene concludes with the two disappearing into the forest, heightening the sense of mystery surrounding their fate.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Symbolism
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and character development, with a strong focus on the internal struggles of Ollie and Mads. The use of symbolism and visual storytelling enhances the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking closure and acceptance through a symbolic act of submerging oneself in water is powerful and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the characters' emotional journeys.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the emotional connection between Ollie and Mads, as well as Ollie's internal conflict and desire for closure. The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and revealing their inner struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unconventional structure, nuanced character interactions, and thought-provoking dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Mads are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed. The scene showcases their vulnerabilities, desires, and internal conflicts, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ollie and Mads undergo emotional growth and introspection in the scene, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship. Ollie's symbolic act of submerging himself in the water signifies a significant change in his emotional state.

Internal Goal: 8

Nan's internal goal is to find solace and connection in her relationships, as seen through her interactions with Ollie and her husband. This reflects her deeper need for emotional fulfillment and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to confront his past and find closure, as he expresses his desire to see someone one last time. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unresolved emotions and relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict and emotional tension in the scene, the primary focus is on the characters' personal struggles and relationships rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ollie faces internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and actions. The uncertainty of his choices adds a layer of complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters in terms of personal growth and acceptance, there is no immediate external threat or danger in the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and revealing their inner struggles. It sets the stage for further character development and exploration of themes in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting emotions and the uncertain outcome of Ollie's actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters' choices will impact their relationships and futures.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of hope and despair, as Ollie grapples with the idea of letting hope in and the potential consequences of doing so. This challenges his beliefs about the nature of hope and its impact on his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, longing, and acceptance, drawing the audience into the characters' inner worlds. The intimate moments between Ollie and Mads resonate deeply, leaving a lasting emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is introspective and reflective, adding depth to the characters' interactions. It conveys their emotions and inner thoughts effectively, enhancing the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, complex character dynamics, and evocative imagery. The tension between hope and despair keeps the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with moments of quiet introspection balanced by intense emotional revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptive action lines, and character dialogue that flows naturally. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's immersion in the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format that enhances the emotional impact and thematic resonance of the story. The transitions between past and present moments are seamless and serve to deepen the characters' arcs.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit disjointed, jumping between flashbacks and the present day with little connection.
  • The flashback scenes seem to be included only to show Ollie's connection to Nan, but they don't contribute much to the overall plot or character development.
  • The present-day scene on the beach lacks tension and feels like it's simply setting up the next plot point.
  • The dialogue is somewhat clunky and doesn't feel natural, especially Ollie's lines about hope and the bottom of the sea.
  • The visual imagery is pretty strong, particularly the shots of the beach and the fireworks. However, it's not clear how this scene advances the story beyond showing that Ollie is still drawn to the sea.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or obstacle, making it feel like a filler scene.
  • The ending with the fireworks feels a bit abrupt and doesn't have a strong emotional impact.
  • The scene doesn't create any new character revelations or significant plot development.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the flashbacks entirely, as they seem unnecessary and detract from the momentum of the present-day scene.
  • Add a clear conflict or obstacle to the beach scene. Maybe Ollie is hesitant to enter the water because of his past trauma, or Mads is worried about leaving the group.
  • Rework the dialogue to feel more natural and engaging. Consider using subtext or showing rather than telling.
  • Focus on the visual elements to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and mood. Use imagery to hint at Ollie's inner turmoil or Mads' anxieties.
  • Consider adding a scene immediately after this one where Ollie and Mads are reunited with the group, or where they encounter a new challenge. This will help to create a sense of momentum and drive the story forward.



Scene 24 -  Fireworks and Shadows
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

On Ollie. He watches a sky of stars, fireworks EXPLODING
IN HIS EYES. The reflections shimmer beauty. Mads stands
beside Ollie, his clothes soaked through.

INSERT: Mads’ hand drops that MOBILE PHONE into Ollie’s
pocket.

Ollie routes through a pocket, taking out a mobile phone.
Thumbs the device. It lights up.

Around them the revellers continue to leave the site. But
some stay put. An afterparty is burning on, the funfair
breaking curfew for supply and demand.

Ollie taps the power button on his mobile. Nothing. He
turns to panic. He moves off. Then to-

THE SKY OF STARS

FIREWORKS. Beautiful. They sprinkle, then there are some
large ones. A sea of primary colours.

Back to the FIELD. Mads at Ollie’s side, wrapping her
hands around his waist. His eyes remain on the display in
the stratosphere.

MADS
There’s a path the other way
towards the village.

OLLIE
We can’t be with people.

MADS
They won’t look for you in the
open. They think you’re hiding.




(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:

A large firework EXPLODES overhead. The entire crowd
CHEER.

MADS
Lets start to move against the
waves.

We move over the top of the crowd. Eyes to the sky, more
people crowded onto this patch of land. Faces, smiles,
bright eyes.

Mads kisses the arch in his back.

Ollie takes hold of his girlfriends hand, stretching one
of her arms out in front. He strokes her hand, all the
way down to the tips of her fingers.

INSIDE A TENT

Ollie routes through his possessions. Finds his mobile
charger.

ACROSS THE FIELD

A small banger car spins in doughnuts. The GYPSY MEN fire
more fireworks from the boot of the car.

Reckless and dangerous. The display rockets in every
direction, spraying explosions of colour. Sparks fly,
onlookers run back, dodging the flares.

The car spins, violent. A spiral of a Katherine Wheel
escapes above the forest.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie and Mads leave a fairground at night, avoiding the crowds. Mads suggests a less obvious path to reach the village, as people are searching for Ollie. Despite the danger of the reckless firework display, they linger, enjoying the beautiful sparks and lights. Ollie finds his phone charger in a tent, offering a glimmer of hope, while the fireworks continue to illuminate the night sky.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
  • Symbolism
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion due to chaotic elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines various genres and tones to create a compelling and emotionally charged moment in the story. The use of fireworks and chaos adds depth and intrigue to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on love, betrayal, and tension amidst a chaotic festival setting, is well-executed and engaging. The use of fireworks and the contrast between intimacy and chaos adds depth to the concept.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters navigating their emotions and relationships amidst a chaotic festival setting. The tension and emotional stakes are high, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a festival setting, the use of fireworks as a metaphor for danger and beauty, and the dynamic between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are unexpected.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene experience significant emotional growth and conflict, particularly in their relationships with each other. Their actions and decisions drive the plot forward and create a sense of depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional growth and change throughout the scene, particularly in their relationships with each other. Their decisions and actions reflect their internal struggles and desires, driving the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to avoid being found by others, as indicated by his reluctance to be with people and his panic when his phone doesn't work. This reflects his fear of being discovered or caught in a potentially dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to evade detection and navigate the chaotic festival environment without drawing attention to himself. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the characters to make difficult decisions and face emotional challenges. The tension and stakes are high, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing challenges from both external forces (the festival environment, the danger of the fireworks) and internal conflicts (his fear of being found, his desire for safety). The audience is unsure of how he will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing emotional turmoil, betrayal, and difficult decisions. The outcome of their actions has significant consequences for their relationships and the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, revealing key plot points and character developments. The tension and conflicts introduced in the scene set the stage for future events and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the chaotic festival environment, and the danger posed by the fireworks. The audience is kept on edge wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Ollie's desire for safety and anonymity and Mads' suggestion to move towards the village and interact with people. This challenges Ollie's beliefs about hiding and staying hidden.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, with themes of love, betrayal, and loneliness resonating throughout. The characters' struggles and conflicts are deeply felt, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters, adding depth to their relationships and motivations. The dialogue enhances the tension and intimacy of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sensory details, emotional stakes, and the sense of danger and excitement. The reader is drawn into the characters' world and their struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with moments of calm and chaos that keep the reader engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise action lines and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax with the fireworks display, and a resolution as Ollie finds his charger. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a beautiful image of fireworks reflecting in Ollie's eyes, but the visual imagery doesn't translate into emotional connection. The audience doesn't yet understand Ollie's emotional state to fully appreciate this visual metaphor.
  • The scene feels rushed, transitioning too quickly between different actions. We see Ollie check his phone, then look at fireworks, then move to a different location with Mads. This rapid pace makes it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of events and connect with the characters.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Mads is too expository and doesn't feel organic to the scene. Lines like 'We can’t be with people' and 'They won’t look for you in the open' are simply stating facts and lack emotional weight.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It bounces between Ollie checking his phone, watching fireworks, and moving with Mads, without establishing a central conflict or objective. This makes the scene feel disjointed and lacking purpose.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and unsatisfying. The audience is left wondering what happens next. The last line 'The car spins, violent. A spiral of a Katherine Wheel escapes above the forest.' feels like a random visual detail that doesn't contribute to the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Show Ollie's emotional state more explicitly. Is he relieved to be escaping the chaos? Worried about being caught? Let the audience understand his internal conflict through his actions and expressions.
  • Slow down the pacing. Give the audience time to absorb the imagery and connect with the characters' emotions. Focus on one or two key actions or interactions instead of jumping between multiple events.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and less expository. Focus on character-driven dialogue that reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. Let the actions and reactions drive the dialogue, instead of using it to simply explain plot points.
  • Establish a clear conflict or objective for the scene. What are Ollie and Mads trying to achieve? Are they trying to escape? Find a safe place? This will give the scene a sense of purpose and drive the action forward.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Leave the audience with a lingering question or a sense of anticipation for what's to come. This could be achieved through a final line of dialogue, a revealing visual, or a dramatic action.



Scene 25 -  Suspicious Encounters at the Funfair
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

Tucked away in a quiet corner, the paddock.

The TWO HORSES, the Shire and the Gypsy, stand in the
shadows at the back of the makeshift arena. Mads
approaches.

The large Shire moves over to her. He pokes his nuzzle
through the grating. Mads strokes the animals ears.

BENNY
Beautiful, no?

Mads spins, finding the voice. Benny is over at the steps
of a caravan. The Shire moves off.

MADS
Yes.


(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:

BENNY
Eddie and Willow.

MADS
Sorry?

BENNY
Eddie is the Gypsy, Willow is the
Shire. Guess which is which?

MADS
I know my horses. I used to breed
them.

BENNY
Of course you do.

MADS
I had Arabian horses. Very elegant
animals. Three of them. Charlie-

BENNY
I don’t need to know names. I can
picture them just fine.

MADS
Okay.
(beat)
How long have you had yours?

BENNY
They’re not mine, they’re ours.
Everybody. We all use dem for
different ‘tings. Mainly with de
carts.

MADS
They look like they’ve been looked
after.

BENNY
Of course. Only things we own.

Benny joins Mads’ side. He swings his arms over the
railing.

MADS
They are special animals. Very
spiritual.

BENNY
How?




(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED: (2)

MADS
Both powerful and gentle. They
could kill us very easily. You
show me a human like that.

Benny mulls this over.

BENNY
Can I ask you sometin’, lady?

MADS
Sure.

BENNY
What are you doing here?

MADS
I like horses.

BENNY
Dat’s not what I mean.

Mads takes a moment. Tells the story in her head.

MADS
I’m here-

BENNY
I know who he is, I see the TV.
(beat)
But I don’t know who you are. I’ve
not seen you on TV.

MADS
He’s my boyfriend.

BENNY
No, you’re not his girlfriend.
You’re an accessory. You’re his
enabler.

MADS
We love each other.

BENNY
I’m not gonna say anything.

MADS
We have plans. It was his idea to
come here.

Mads turns to Benny. His eyes static on her.




(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED: (3)

MADS
He’ll hurt you.

BENNY
No he won’t. He’ll hurt you.

MADS
I’ve warned you.

BENNY
You could be at home, with your
horses, in your stables. In your
home.

Mads panics. She shuffles away into the darkness.

MADS
Leave us alone. Please.

BENNY
You’re scared. And it’s not of me.

MADS
No I’m not.

BENNY
Keep runnin’. Don’t stop.

Mads has vanished back into the funfair.

As she does Benny watches the bodies begin to scarper
quicker as an ARMY OF POLICE CARS SWARM THE FIELD. Police
Officers disperse, moving revellers away.

Benny backs away towards his caravan, his eyes on his
horses in their holding pen. Benny slides over to the
pen, stroking the Gypsy horses mane.

BENNY
Fun’s over.

ACROSS THE FIELD

Ollie waits on the periphery. He watches the scene
unfold. Blue lights and sirens. Officers move as a chain
through the fair, pushing partygoers to the exit. Some
Gypsy men are arrested on a patrol car bonnet.

Mads making a line for Ollie.

OLLIE
And?




(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED: (4)

MADS
It’s a no go. They’re too close to
the caravans. The paddock is
locked. And he knows.

OLLIE
Who?

MADS
Benny. He knows too much.

OLLIE
Good.

Ollie and Mads retreat into the woods, consumed by
darkness.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At a nighttime funfair, Ollie's girlfriend, Mads, encounters Benny, who seems to know Ollie from television. Benny questions Mads' relationship with Ollie and warns her that Ollie will hurt her. Mads defends Ollie, but Benny remains unconvinced. As police arrive and disperse the crowd, Ollie, who has been observing from afar, retreats into the woods with Mads, leaving Benny with his suspicions.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Symbolism in setting
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a sense of impending danger, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the interaction between Mads and Benny in a secluded paddock, is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Mads and Ollie navigate through the fairground, facing obstacles and potential threats. The conflict between characters is heightened in this scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of love and control, exploring the complexities of relationships and power dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Mads and Benny are well-developed characters with clear motivations and conflicting agendas. Their interactions drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Mads shows resilience and defiance in the face of danger, while Benny's manipulative nature is further revealed, showcasing character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Mads' internal goal in this scene is to protect her relationship with her boyfriend and defend her choices. This reflects her deeper need for love and validation, as well as her fear of losing her connection to her boyfriend.

External Goal: 7

Mads' external goal in this scene is to navigate the tense situation with Benny and ensure her safety and that of her boyfriend. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with Benny's suspicions and the police presence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Mads and Benny is intense and palpable, creating a sense of danger and suspense for the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Benny challenging Mads' beliefs and motivations. His suspicions create a sense of danger and uncertainty, adding complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the dangerous situation Mads finds herself in with Benny, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and setting up future events, keeping the narrative momentum going.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between characters and the unexpected reveal of Benny's suspicions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of love versus control. Benny challenges Mads' belief in her relationship and questions her agency, highlighting a clash of values and perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals the underlying power dynamics between Mads and Benny. It effectively conveys the sense of danger and unease.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere. The dialogue and character dynamics draw the audience in and keep them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a beautiful, evocative image of Mads and the horses, but the dialogue quickly becomes clunky and exposition-heavy.
  • Benny's dialogue is overly expository and repetitive. He tells Mads that he knows Ollie is famous, then repeats it by saying he's seen him on TV. This feels like a way to explain the story to the audience rather than organically reveal information.
  • Benny's dialogue also contains a lot of forced rhymes, which can be distracting and sound unnatural in conversation.
  • Mads's motivation for revealing her relationship with Ollie to Benny is unclear. The scene seems to be set up for her to reveal something, but it isn't clear why she'd be willing to do so to someone she barely knows and who seems hostile.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The conversation between Mads and Benny feels drawn out, especially since the tension is built by the arrival of the police. There's no urgency to get to that point.
  • Benny's warning that Ollie will hurt Mads feels unearned. There's no real foundation for this claim. He's only met her briefly, so his knowledge of Ollie seems to come out of nowhere.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The police arrive and begin dispersing the crowd, but the scene doesn't show how Mads and Ollie react to this situation. The scene simply ends with Ollie and Mads retreating into the woods.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective for the characters. It's not clear what Mads and Ollie hope to achieve by staying in the area, especially since they know the police are close by.
Suggestions
  • Consider making the scene more visually driven. Use the imagery of the horses and the funfair to create a sense of atmosphere and tension, rather than relying on dialogue to convey information.
  • Remove the repetitive and expository dialogue. Instead of telling the audience that Benny knows who Ollie is, show it through his actions and reactions.
  • Give Mads a stronger motivation for revealing her relationship with Ollie. Perhaps she feels compelled to defend him, or she's desperate to get away from Benny's warnings.
  • Increase the tension in the scene by showing the police arriving more gradually, and give Mads and Ollie time to react to the situation. Perhaps they try to escape, but are thwarted by the police.
  • Provide a clear objective for the characters. What are Mads and Ollie trying to achieve by staying in the area? What are their plans for the future? Give them something to fight for, so the audience has a reason to care about their fate.



Scene 26 -  The Rabbit's Shadow
EXT. THE RABBIT PUB CAR PARK - NIGHT

Silence in this small village. Ollie making his way
between vehicles. He tries the handle on several cars,
peers inside each one.

A couple leave the pub, an ageing man with his plastic
wife climb into an even younger model.

Ollie watches from between two vans. He surveys his
immediate surroundings. Then wraps the end of his sleeve
around his fist.

He considers, moves towards one last car. A shit heap.
Ollie tries the handle, the door opens.


INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

Ollie removes his mobile. He unravels a charging cord,
looking for a spot to plug. Then a realisation.


EXT. THE RABBIT PUB CAR PARK - NIGHT

Another BARELY LEGAL BOY leaving the pub. He approaches
his shitheap, thumbs his keys. The car PINGS, already
open.

But before the Boy can climb in Ollie has ATTACKED FROM
BEHIND. One punch and the Boy is out cold on the floor.

Ollie props his victim against the rear wheel. Then he
climbs in with the keys, starts the IGNITION.
56.


INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

The engine rattles. Ollie has his mobile plugged into a
USB port. Moments passing, Ollie watching his
surroundings. The screen lights up.

His eyes moist over. Then rest on the TWO DRUNK FIGURES
leaving the pub. They bypass the unconscious Boy without
a second glance.

Ollie takes his phone, he has one message. He opens the
text:

‘Hope i get the right number. I’m only sending this cos
you wanted me to. I know you won’t get this message but
she passed away this morning. Peaceful end with family
around her don’t take it too hard. mum’

Ollie looks closer. The message is a a few days old.
Ollie LAUNCHES THE PHONE, rattling the interior of the
car.

His world crumbles and his head explodes into HYSTERICAL
EMOTIONAL RAGE. Ollie batters the steering wheel. A caged
animal.

Ollie’s eyes de-mist to the form of Benny standing in
front of the car. He stares straight back at Ollie.

BENNY
What a shame. You look mighty
intimidating to me. Like you could
do some damage.

Ollie sniffs air back to his red face.

OLLIE
You Irish fuck.

BENNY
You never learn.

OLLIE
You Irish fuck.

BENNY
You crying for home? For your
mammy?

OLLIE
Shut the fuck up.

BENNY
That’s more like it.


(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Stop talking.

Benny moves to the side of the car. He motions for Ollie
to roll down the window. Ollie complies.

BENNY
What’s the matter?

OLLIE
I was waiting for you.

BENNY
Well here I am.

Benny looks to the unconscious Boy. He takes his pulse.

OLLIE
Still just the one victim.

Benny turns his attention to the APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS
behind him. Bartley finishes his cigarette.

BARTLEY
You coming back inside?

BENNY
Look who it is.

Bartley flicks his cigarette away. Peers inside the car.

BARTLEY
Your one and only.

OLLIE
I saw your boy get his one for
talking shit.

BARTLEY
He’s not my boy. My brother’s boy.

BENNY
Dis one thinks he knows our kind.

BARTLEY
(to Benny)
Our kind? Your kind is definitely
different to mine. Don’t you
forget that. I saw that fight too.
(back to Ollie)
And you are the boy who watches.
You two think you’re men, offering
jabs at one another like kids.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED: (2)
BARTLEY (CONT'D)
You don’t know each other from
Adam, but you’re going to prove
who’s bigger one day to what
result? Benny, you got everything
to lose to this pathetic excuse of
a man. He on the other hand, he
has nothing to start with.

Bartley leans closer to Ollie. Close enough to whisper.

BARTLEY
If I were you, I would abandon
luck. It’s abandoned you.

Ollie looks ahead.

BARTLEY
You’re like a rabbit, runnin’ at
the first spark of light. And you
never know which way they’re going
to run. Sometimes they’re clever,
dart back into their holes.
Sometimes you kill them. Out on
these country roads they scarper.
You see in Dublin, there’s this
roundabout, Rabbit Roundabout, an
island filled with de little
fuckers. But they don’t run. ‘Dey
see those lights all the time,
‘dey just let ‘dem pass. And just
like that they become equal.
Standing up to da possibility of
death, no care in the world. What
rabbit are you?

OLLIE
I’m not.

BARTLEY
Then you best keep runnin’. If I
see you and Benny ever talkin’
again, it means nobody’s won. You
see me and I’ll cave the back of
your throat round my fist.
(to Benny)
Come on.

Bartley turns back to the pub. Benny lingers longer,
laughs, then follows. Ollie closes the window, simmering,
watching the two gypsies walk in under the pub sign: THE
RABBIT.

Ollie climbs out, starts loading his victim into the back
seat.
59.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, a young man struggling with grief after his mother's death, steals a car to charge his phone. He receives the news of her passing via text message and, overwhelmed with emotion, smashes his phone in rage. Benny, his rival, appears and taunts him, further escalating the tension. Benny's uncle, Bartley, arrives, criticizing their pointless feud and warning Ollie to stay away from Benny. Bartley's stern words and threat leave Ollie defeated and alone. In a final act of desperation, Ollie places the unconscious boy he previously assaulted in the stolen car and drives away, leaving the parking lot shrouded in shadows and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Complexity of character relationships

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and sets up a high-stakes conflict between the characters. The dialogue is powerful and drives the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around themes of violence, loyalty, and emotional turmoil. It effectively sets up a conflict between Ollie and Benny, adding depth to their characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the intense confrontation between Ollie and Benny, adding tension and drama to the narrative. It sets up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of grief, anger, and moral conflict, with authentic character interactions and a unique setting that adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie, Benny, and Bartley are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and inner conflicts. The scene showcases their complexities and adds depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and inner conflict, leading to potential changes in their motivations and relationships. The scene sets up character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the emotional turmoil of his mother's passing. He struggles with grief and anger, which reflects his deeper need for closure and emotional release.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to steal a car and escape the situation he's in. This reflects his immediate challenge of avoiding confrontation and dealing with the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny is intense and sets up high stakes for the characters. It adds tension and drama to the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and power dynamics that create a sense of uncertainty and danger for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with intense conflicts, emotional turmoil, and conflicting loyalties at play. The characters face significant challenges and decisions that will impact their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by setting up conflicts, revealing character motivations, and adding depth to the narrative. It engages the audience and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and choices made by the characters, leading to surprising outcomes and shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ollie's sense of morality and the harsh reality of his circumstances. He is forced to confront his own actions and the consequences of his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with intense emotions, inner turmoil, and conflicting loyalties portrayed effectively. It engages the audience and adds depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the emotional intensity of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, realistic dialogue, and unpredictable plot twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced action and dialogue that builds tension and develops the characters' motivations.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a strong visual of Ollie's determination to find a way to charge his phone, but the action feels somewhat repetitive and drawn out. We see Ollie trying multiple car doors, which could be condensed for a faster pace.
  • The introduction of the 'Barely Legal Boy' feels somewhat jarring. While it serves to show Ollie's aggression, the character feels underdeveloped and unnecessary to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Benny is repetitive and lacks emotional depth. The repeated use of 'Irish fuck' feels clichéd and doesn't contribute to the scene's purpose.
  • Bartley's arrival and his long speech about rabbits is a bit of a plot dump. While it provides insight into the characters, the delivery feels forced and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The scene ends with Ollie loading his victim into the car, which feels jarring. It leaves the audience wondering about Ollie's intentions and motives, which could be resolved with a more definitive action or a final thought from Ollie.
  • The overall tone of the scene is quite dark and bleak, which is consistent with the tone of the script, but the lack of emotional complexity in the characters and the forced dialogue might make it feel a bit monotonous to the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider condensing the scene's opening by showing Ollie's determination to find a phone charger in a more concise way, perhaps by focusing on a single car and his struggle to find a usable port.
  • Rework the dialogue between Ollie and Benny to be more nuanced and revealing about their relationship. Explore their past conflicts and motivations.
  • Consider replacing the 'Barely Legal Boy' with a more established character, perhaps someone from the pub or the caravan community, to provide a stronger connection to the overall story.
  • Rework Bartley's speech to be more integrated into the scene, perhaps by having him deliver his advice during a moment of tension or conflict, rather than as a monologue.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful action or a final thought from Ollie, giving the reader a clearer understanding of his motivations and setting up the next scene.
  • Explore the emotional complexity of Ollie's rage by giving him a moment of reflection or a flashback, allowing the reader to understand the root of his anger.



Scene 27 -  Ollie's Arrival at the Rabbit Pub
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

Positioned in an empty pod. The wheel rotates slowly.

Police continue to move people on, pushing the crowds
away from the funfair. The first of the police vehicles
LEAVES THE SCENE.


INT. OLLIE’S TENT - NIGHT

Abandoned. POLICE LIGHTS CLOSING IN OUTSIDE. An OFFICER
opens the zip. Takes a look inside the burnt out
structure.

POLICE OFFICER
Clear.

He moves on.


INT. THE RABBIT PUB - NIGHT

A small space. Low ceilings, some stools at the bar.
Crammed into every corner is every member of the local
community of GYPSY TRAVELLERS.

Ollie leans over the bar, watches a wannabe BAR WIZARD
spin some bottles. The performance finishes.

OLLIE
Impressive.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
What can I get you?

OLLIE
I don’t have any money.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
Then why are you here?

The Bar Wizard takes out a menu from under the bar and
slaps it on top.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
You want a combo that ain’t
listed, then just add the two
prices together for the singles.

Ollie passes a glance over the bar, to the cabinets
behind. And his own reflection in the mirrored surface
between bottles.



(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Your cheapest beer.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
I usually charge double for
outsiders, people that don’t live
round here. Double the price for
everything, all your standard
mixers.

OLLIE
How do you know I don’t live round
here?

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
You’re with the fair?

OLLIE
No.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
You must be lost.

The wannabe pours Ollie a beer. Across the room, Benny
leave the toilets. He returns to a group of men. Ollie
watches on as the men laugh with one another.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After the police clear out the funfair, Ollie enters the crowded Rabbit Pub, a space filled with Gypsy Travellers. He encounters prejudice from the bar wizard, who attempts to charge him double for a beer due to his outsider status. Ollie observes Benny laughing with a group of men across the room, creating intrigue about their relationship.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential for cliched conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a conflict between Ollie and Benny, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The unique setting and intense dialogue contribute to the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between two characters in a small pub filled with Gypsy travelers is intriguing and sets the stage for a dramatic conflict. The scene effectively introduces the characters and their dynamic, setting up future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ollie and Benny's rivalry escalates, leading to a potential confrontation. The scene sets up future events and adds depth to the characters' motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh setting and cultural elements with the Gypsy travelers, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Benny are well-defined and their interactions reveal their conflicting personalities and motivations. The scene effectively establishes their dynamic and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

While there may not be significant character changes in this particular scene, the escalating conflict between Ollie and Benny sets the stage for potential character development in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to blend in and not draw attention to himself as an outsider. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal in this scene is to get a drink at the bar despite not having money. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny is intense and palpable, creating a sense of danger and suspense. The escalating tension between the characters keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the bar wizard challenging Ollie's presence and identity in the pub.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the escalating conflict between Ollie and Benny, as their rivalry could have serious consequences for both characters. The scene sets up a potentially explosive confrontation with significant repercussions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the rivalry between Ollie and Benny and setting up future conflicts. The escalating tension and conflict drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between Ollie and the bar wizard, as well as the mystery surrounding Ollie's background.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between belonging and outsider status. The bar wizard's double pricing for outsiders highlights this conflict and challenges Ollie's sense of identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and anticipation. The intense interactions between Ollie and Benny create a sense of unease and foreboding, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 8

The sharp and confrontational dialogue between Ollie and Benny adds tension and depth to their interactions. The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the tension between characters, the unique setting, and the mystery surrounding Ollie's presence in the pub.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with Ollie's interaction at the bar.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions that contribute to the narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a brief but unnecessary description of the Ferris wheel. This information is not crucial to the scene and could be omitted, allowing for a smoother transition to the next location.
  • The scene transitions from the Ferris wheel to Ollie's tent, a sudden shift in location that feels disjointed. The scene feels rushed as if it's trying to check off locations rather than letting the story unfold naturally.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and the Bar Wizard feels a bit contrived and unnatural. It serves as exposition for the bar's pricing policy but lacks the organic flow of natural conversation.
  • The scene ends with Ollie watching Benny and his friends laugh, creating a sense of unease and foreshadowing conflict. However, the scene itself feels static and lacks the dynamism to build anticipation for the upcoming confrontation.
  • The scene as a whole feels like a placeholder, mainly functioning as a transition between previous events and the upcoming confrontation at the pub. It doesn't contribute much to character development or plot advancement.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual imagery and sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader. The setting is described with minimal detail, lacking the richness of the previous scene descriptions.
Suggestions
  • Consider merging the Ferris wheel scene with the scene in Ollie's tent, creating a more natural transition and building tension as the police move in on Ollie's location.
  • Focus on Ollie's internal monologue and emotional state as he enters the pub. How does he feel about being in this environment, surrounded by the Travellers? Show his apprehension and anticipation for the confrontation with Benny.
  • Develop the scene's visual elements. Describe the pub's atmosphere in greater detail, emphasizing the crowded space, the low ceilings, and the bustling activity. Use sensory details to paint a vivid picture for the reader.
  • Give the scene a more dynamic feel. Instead of just observing, consider incorporating action, such as Ollie looking for someone, or a minor interaction with another character. This could create a sense of suspense or build a connection to the world outside the pub.
  • Explore the tension between Ollie and the Bar Wizard. Consider giving the Bar Wizard a more complex personality and adding more nuance to their interaction. Perhaps Ollie's lack of money is not just a fact, but a deliberate choice. Why would he be in this place without funds?
  • Consider focusing on the details of the bar. Does the pub have a name? What kind of drinks are available? What is the music like? These details can help bring the scene to life and provide a deeper understanding of the environment.



Scene 28 -  The Rabbit Pub Brawl
INT. THE RABBIT PUB - LATER

The Bar Wizard moves from person to person. Taking
orders, pouring drinks.

He pulls a girl over the top of the bar, grabbing the
head of a tap and pumping booze down her throat. Screams
of delight. He is God.

He slices a lemon in two, puts one slice into a Vodka
Coke. He slides this to Ollie situated on the same stool.
Ollie hands back a tenner. The Bar Wizard takes the cash,
pockets it.

Ollie takes his drink and pushes away through the crowds.
Bumping and grinding. Nobody moves. Ollie is greeted by a
BOUNCER between two rooms. A wall puncher covered in
tribal tattoos up to his neck

BOUNCER
No further admission in here. Too
busy. We need to keep everyone
spread out.

Ollie listens. He remains mute as he perches at a table
nearby.


(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Are you always here?

BOUNCER
You been swimming?

Ollie touches the seams of his T-shirt. A few drips
escape to the floor.

OLLIE
Something like that.

BOUNCER
Don’t need any crazy today.

OLLIE
You’re here for them?

Ollie nods to the group of GYPSY MEN in one corner.

BOUNCER
You with them?

OLLIE
You don’t watch TV, do you?

The Bouncer shrugs. He watches Ollie disappear among the
bodies. A snake in the grass.

AT THE BAR - LATER

Ollie slouches against the rail for support, drunk legs
tiring beneath him. The Bar Wizard emerges from the
floor, reconnects a pump and barrel.

WANNABE BAR WIZARD
Another one?

OLLIE
Am I made of money?

Ollie fingers some change in his hand. He drops a coin.
We follow it as it rolls among shoes, across the floor,
pirouetting and-

The Bouncer stops the coin with his foot. He follows the
path back to Ollie.

The Bouncer makes his way over. He reaches Ollie, a clasp
to the shoulder turns Ollie back.

BOUNCER
Time to go?



(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED: (2)

Ollie looks across the room. Benny with his gypsy mates,
drinks flowing. Laughter.

The Bouncer looks to the empty pint glasses on the
counter. Then to the Bar Wizard.

BOUNCER
Couldn’t have prevented this?
(to Ollie)
Okay, lets go.

The Bar Wizard moves to another customer. The Bouncer
takes Ollie’s arms.

OLLIE
Let go of me.

The Bouncer holds tighter.

BOUNCER
Make it easier for yourself.

Ollie considers. Stands and moves off, his eyes never
leaving Benny.

The Bouncer stalks Ollie out of the bar. Ollie pauses,
turns to the Bouncer-

OLLIE
Have you ever really hurt anyone?

BOUNCER
Out!

AMONG BODIES - CONTINUOUS

Ollie pushes through. Comes face to face with Benny.

BENNY
Hello there.

OLLIE
Look at that.

Ollie delivers a clean UPPERCUT. Benny is calm. The rage
returns to Ollie as he shakes off the wannabe, moving
after Benny. The Bouncer bounds after them.

OLLIE
Fuck you!

Benny is halfway out of the door when Ollie catches him
once more, unprovoked and unprepared for this attack.



(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED: (3)

All at once, Benny SLAMS SHUT THE DOOR just as Ollie and
the Bouncer reaches it. The impact is BONE-CRUNCHING.

Ollie meets the door on the in-swing and tries to bust
through it. The WINDOW SHATTERS out of it’s frame, all
over him. Ollie HITS THE DECK, knocked unconscious.

A blur, the music DISTORTING. Ollie regains
consciousness. PUSH IN on him. Dazed, MORE GYPSIES over
him. Trying to pick him up. Ollie shakes them off.

Now we see. NAN IS PICKING OLLIE UP. Ollie attempts to
read her lips, his vision a vignette.

OLLIE
What the fuck are you doing? The
fuck. I- I- get off!

Ollie shrugs Nan off. He pulls the door open and wanders
out to the car park. The entire world follows. The PUB
LANDLORD ushers people around the glass. Gypsies push the
Bouncer back in the pub. Threats if he intervene.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the crowded 'Rabbit Pub,' Ollie, increasingly intoxicated, ignores the bouncer's warnings and attempts to approach a group of Gypsy men. His drunken advances culminate in a fight with Benny, one of the Gypsy men. The altercation ends violently with Ollie being knocked unconscious after crashing through a window.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, dark, and suspenseful, with a high level of conflict and emotional impact. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging and drive the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a violent confrontation in a crowded pub is well-executed and adds to the tension of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the escalating conflict between Ollie and Benny, leading to a dramatic and impactful climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar bar fight scenario, with unique character dynamics and a gritty atmosphere. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ollie, Benny, and the Bouncer are well-developed and their interactions are compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Ollie experiences a significant change as he is knocked unconscious and then helped by Nan, showing vulnerability and confusion.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to confront Benny and potentially seek revenge for a past incident. This reflects Ollie's deeper desire for justice and retribution.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to stay in the pub and avoid being kicked out by the bouncer. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a violent altercation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the bouncer acting as a formidable obstacle for Ollie to overcome. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ollie and Benny engage in a violent confrontation with potential consequences for both characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between Ollie and Benny and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the shifting power dynamics, and the uncertain outcome of the confrontation between Ollie and Benny.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ollie's sense of justice and the bouncer's authority. Ollie questions the bouncer's actions and motives, challenging the values of power and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions due to the intense conflict and violence portrayed.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and drives the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, conflict between characters, and the unpredictability of the outcome. The tension and excitement keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to the climactic confrontation between Ollie and Benny. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with the Bar Wizard's performance, establishing a heightened, almost fantastical tone that works well with the overall script's aesthetic. However, the scene feels rushed and lacks a clear focus. We see Ollie interact with the Bar Wizard and the Bouncer, but these interactions don't build towards anything meaningful. The initial conflict, the price of the drink, is resolved quickly without much tension.
  • The scene jumps back and forth between the bar and the car park without a smooth transition. The sudden shift from Ollie's conversation with the Bouncer to Benny's return from the toilets is jarring. It's unclear why we're seeing Benny and his friends laughing together at this point in the story. What is the purpose of this? What does it reveal about Benny?
  • Ollie's behavior is inconsistent. He's shown as a subdued, quiet character earlier in the scene, but suddenly he becomes violent towards Benny. The scene would benefit from a clearer motivation for his outburst. Why is he so angry at Benny?
  • The fight scene is described but not shown. This might work if the screenplay is focused on dialogue and character interactions, but it feels like a missed opportunity to visualize the violence and chaos of the situation. The fight feels anticlimactic, especially since it's resolved with Ollie being knocked unconscious.
  • The introduction of Nan at this point feels unexplained and confusing. Her actions, intervening in the fight and picking up Ollie, seem to come out of nowhere. The scene leaves the audience with many unanswered questions about her role in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to focus on one central conflict, either between Ollie and the Bar Wizard/Bouncer, or between Ollie and Benny. This will give the scene a clearer purpose and make the stakes more apparent.
  • Develop Ollie's motivations more thoroughly. What drives him to go to the pub? What is he looking for? Why does he react so violently towards Benny? A clearer motivation will make his actions feel more grounded.
  • Add more detail to the fight scene. Show the physicality of the struggle, the pain, and the aggression. This will create a more visceral and impactful moment for the audience.
  • Clarify Nan's role in the scene. Explain why she's there and what she's doing. Is she aware of Ollie's relationship with the Gypsies? Is she trying to protect him?
  • Consider using flashbacks or internal monologues to reveal Ollie's thoughts and emotions during this scene. What is he thinking as he's getting drunk? What is he feeling as he confronts Benny? This will give the audience a better understanding of his motivations and create a more complex and engaging character.



Scene 29 -  Blood in the Car Park
EXT. THE RABBIT PUB CAR PARK - CONTINUOUS

Ollie stumbles. The stars move into formation in the
night sky. A face appears.

Looking down at his slashed hand. Every inch covered in
blood. Benny is over, delivering punch after punch.

Ollie fights back, he blocks a punch. Moves away, pushes
back into the fight. Ollie wraps his hands around Benny,
smothering their bodies closer. They hold each other.

Ollie attempts a knee to the ribs. Loses his balance and
the boys fall and writhe around on the floor. Benny now
has Ollie by the neck.

Ollie turns Benny over. SLAMS A PUNCH in his chest. Short
and sharp, Benny pushes Ollie to the floor. He looks to
his own hands, covered in Ollie’s blood.

BENNY
Nice.

Ollie giggles a drunk laugh. Excessive and exaggerated.

He RIPS HIS TEE from his frame. Benny backs off. The
crowd leer closer, circling the boys. They cheer louder.

BENNY
You want what I got?


(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED:

Bartley waits in the shadows.

Ollie charges Benny, tackling him to the floor. A spray
of blood on Benny’s face. And in that moment he is
scared.

Ollie hammers another blow, one final one to BLOW BENNY’S
NOSE OPEN. Split into blood and gore.

Ollie slouches back, exhausted. Benny crawls across the
cold concrete, his nose gushing.

BENNY
Fuck you.

Ollie turns away, looks back to the stars. This gives
Bartley time to approach and deliver a KNOCKOUT PUNCH.

Ollie stars sideways. Bartley mounts him, punching the
drunk Ollie in the head. Then straight in the mouth.

Ollie’s teeth shatter and dislodge. Then Bartley moves
on, leaving Ollie exhausted on the concrete.

Bucolic night air. Some muttering. The crowd move back
into the pub to continue their night.

We see a CONCERNED BYSTANDER on her mobile phone.

Ollie shuts his mouth, loose teeth falling around his
lips. He spits the teeth to the ground, revealing white
daggers.

Ollie slips his crimson T-shirt back on. He floats
unsteady, his head flopping from side to side. Benny is
gone.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A drunken brawl erupts between Ollie and Benny in the car park of the Rabbit Pub. The fight escalates quickly, with both men landing punches and drawing blood. As Benny tries to retreat, Bartley, lurking in the shadows, intervenes and knocks Ollie unconscious with a brutal blow to the head. Ollie is left bleeding on the concrete as the crowd disperses back into the pub, leaving him alone and injured.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Graphic violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, intense, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the conflict and tension between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a violent confrontation between two characters with a history of rivalry is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the physical altercation between Ollie and Benny, leading to potential consequences and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the fight club trope by focusing on the internal struggles and vulnerabilities of the protagonist amidst the violence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Benny are well-developed and their interactions are compelling, showcasing their complex relationship and inner turmoil.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ollie and Benny undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their physical and emotional states.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his strength and dominance in the fight, possibly to overcome feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. This reflects his deeper need for validation and respect.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the fight and assert his dominance over his opponent. This reflects the immediate challenge of physical confrontation and the need to establish superiority in the fight club setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny is intense and drives the scene forward, creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that keep the audience guessing. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the physical confrontation between Ollie and Benny could have serious repercussions for both characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between the characters and setting the stage for potential consequences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected turns in the fight. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome until the final blow.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of power and control through violence. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about strength and masculinity, as well as the audience's perception of violence as a means of asserting dominance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly due to the raw and intense nature of the physical confrontation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the tension and emotions between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and the unpredictability of the outcome. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and action leading to a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of action lines and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for a dramatic fight scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of escalating tension and action, leading to a climactic confrontation. It effectively builds suspense and engages the audience.


Critique
  • The scene starts off strong with a visceral description of the fight, using vivid imagery to convey the brutality. However, the description becomes repetitive and loses its impact as the fight progresses.
  • The dialogue feels forced and cliché. "Nice" and "You want what I got?" lack originality and do not contribute to the scene's tension.
  • The crowd's reactions are not clearly established. Their cheering feels somewhat jarring, given the brutality of the fight, and their motivation for participating is not clear.
  • The introduction of Bartley feels abrupt and lacks tension. His actions are sudden and violent, lacking build-up or any foreshadowing.
  • The scene focuses too much on the physical violence and lacks emotional depth. We don't see Ollie's internal struggle, his pain, or his motivations for fighting.
  • The ending feels rushed and incomplete. Ollie's reaction to being knocked out is not explored, and the scene ends without resolution.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal monologues or flashbacks to provide insight into Ollie's motivations and inner turmoil.
  • The scene could be tightened by removing unnecessary details and focusing on the key moments of the fight.
  • The introduction of the concerned bystander is a distraction and doesn't contribute to the scene's overall narrative.
  • The visual description of the scene lacks focus. While vivid in some parts, the scene could benefit from more precise imagery to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Rework the dialogue to be more natural and impactful. Explore Ollie's emotional state through his actions and reactions rather than generic lines.
  • Introduce Bartley gradually, building suspense before his violent intervention. This can be done by establishing his presence in the shadows earlier, hinting at his intentions.
  • Focus on Ollie's inner conflict through flashbacks or internal monologues. Explore his motivations for fighting, his fear, his anger, and his desperation.
  • Remove unnecessary details and focus on the key moments of the fight. Tighten the scene by emphasizing the most impactful moments of violence.
  • Explore the crowd's reactions with more nuance. Are they entertained by the violence? Are they afraid? Are they complicit in the brutality?
  • Develop a stronger ending to the scene. Show Ollie's reaction to being knocked out, his pain, and his confusion. Consider leaving the audience with a sense of suspense about his fate.
  • Improve the visual description of the scene. Focus on specific details and imagery to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.
  • Consider adding a visual motif to the scene, such as the stars in the night sky, to symbolize Ollie's loss of control and the chaos of his life.



Scene 30 -  Blind Rage
EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS

Ollie positions himself in the middle of the road.
Nothing. A voice behind him:

NAN’S VOICE
You okay, O?

Ollie raises his thumbs. The blood is now seeping.

OLLIE
Nan?

O/S HUMMING. Ollie waits. His vision comes back to focus.
The far distance. Something is approaching. A MOTORCYCLE.
A MOPED.


(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED:

Acting on impulse, Ollie has retrieved a nearby bicycle.

He walks towards the approaching moped, speeding towards
him. He wheels the bicycle then picks it up. Like a
modern match of jousting. The bright lights are blinding.

The moped races past. As it does:

Ollie tosses the bicycle at the moped. Moped and rider
part, dispensing across the road with a GOD AWFUL THUD.
The moped CRASHES into a lampost. The rider is thrown
under a parked car.

The world stands still. And watches.

The rider is still. Ollie is still.

The rider moves ever so slightly. He makes a start to get
up.

Ollie starts towards the rider. He pulls up short. The
rider pushes himself out from under the car. Exhausting.
The rider looks for injuries, only bruises.

He takes off his helmet. Benny. The two gladiators meet
each others gaze. Pathetic and tragic at the same time.

A moment. Benny turns, picks up his moped and limps off
down the street.

Ollie considers following. Decides against it.

So he walks the bicycle back towards the pub. Wheel bent,
chain loose. In the distance we hear the approaching
SIRENS.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Injured and disoriented, Ollie lashes out at a passing moped, throwing a bicycle at it. The moped crashes into a lamppost, injuring the rider, Benny. After a brief moment of shock, Benny limps away, leaving Ollie to grapple with the consequences of his actions. Ollie returns to the pub as the sound of sirens draws closer, leaving the scene with an unsettling sense of unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Violent content may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, with a significant impact on the characters and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a violent confrontation between two characters leading to a tragic event is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a clear escalation of conflict and tension that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to exploring themes of impulsivity and consequences, with authentic character actions and dialogue that enhance the emotional depth of the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ollie and Benny, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward with emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ollie and Benny undergo significant changes during the scene, impacting their relationship and future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to confront his own actions and the consequences of his impulsive behavior. It reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance, as well as his fear of facing the reality of his actions.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to deal with the immediate aftermath of the confrontation with Benny and the moped. It reflects the challenge he faces in accepting responsibility for his actions and the impact they have on others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and Benny reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a violent confrontation with high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Ollie and Benny driving the narrative tension and uncertainty. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable outcome of their confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters' lives and relationships on the line, leading to a dramatic and impactful outcome.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the ambiguous resolution between Ollie and Benny. The audience is left unsure of how the confrontation will unfold, adding to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between impulsivity and consequences. Ollie's impulsive decision to confront Benny leads to a tragic outcome, highlighting the tension between taking action and considering the repercussions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, tension, and empathy for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to reveal the emotions and motivations of the characters in a realistic manner.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic action, and the uncertainty of the outcome. The tension between the characters and the consequences of their actions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax that highlights the internal and external conflicts faced by the protagonist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax that highlights the internal and external conflicts faced by the protagonist.


Critique
  • This scene is visually striking but lacks a strong emotional core. While the action is clear and exciting, the emotional stakes and Ollie's motivations are not fully explored.
  • The scene's reliance on visual spectacle overshadows the development of Ollie's character. We don't fully grasp his reasoning for attacking Benny, beyond a general sense of anger and frustration.
  • The scene lacks internal conflict. Ollie's decision to attack the moped feels impulsive and lacks any psychological depth. The action feels more like a plot device than a character-driven choice.
  • The scene is written primarily in action beats, with minimal dialogue. While this creates a sense of immediacy, it also deprives the scene of character development and the opportunity for nuanced emotions.
  • The scene is overly reliant on visual descriptions. Instead of simply stating that the moped crashes, the script could use dialogue or inner monologue to convey Ollie's thoughts and reactions to the event.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt. We're left with Ollie walking back to the pub, but there's no sense of closure or anticipation for what might happen next.
  • The previous scene ends with Ollie in a highly agitated state, still reeling from the emotional impact of his mother's death. This scene could capitalize on that emotional vulnerability by exploring how Ollie's grief fuels his impulsive actions.
Suggestions
  • Explore Ollie's internal thoughts and motivations. What is driving him to act this way? Is it anger, grief, or a desperate need to assert control? Use inner monologue to give the audience a glimpse into his mind.
  • Incorporate dialogue that reveals character. The scene could include a brief exchange between Ollie and Benny, highlighting their shared history and animosity.
  • Create a sense of internal conflict within Ollie. Is he aware of the potential consequences of his actions? Does he hesitate before attacking the moped? This will add depth to his character and create a more compelling narrative.
  • Develop the scene's ending. What is Ollie's state of mind as he walks back to the pub? What are his plans for the future? Use this moment to foreshadow the next scene and create a sense of anticipation.
  • Connect the scene more directly to the previous scene. Explore the emotional fallout of Ollie's mother's death and how it impacts his actions. This will create a stronger sense of continuity and build dramatic tension.
  • Consider adding a visual element that reflects Ollie's emotional state. For example, a flashback to his childhood or a dream sequence that reveals his inner turmoil.
  • Rewrite the final line with a more evocative tone. Instead of simply stating that the sirens are approaching, explore the impact of those sirens on Ollie's mental state. Is he scared? Is he resigned? This will create a more impactful ending.



Scene 31 -  Chasing Shadows
INT. STOLEN CAR - NIGHT

Ollie at the wheel. He accelerates through the dark
country roads. In his rear view are those familiar
FLASHING BLUE LIGHTS. They reflect deep in hie eyes.

Ollie wipes the blood from his face as it drips down his
chin. Then he SCREAMS. The car accelerates blindly.

MADS (O.S.)
What the fuck happened in there?
Ollie?!




(CONTINUED)
66.
CONTINUED:

Mads blurs in and out of Ollie’s periphery in the
passenger seat. His vision blurs, his eyes close. His
world darkens.

CUT TO BLACK:


INT. CHAPEL - DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE)

A modern building with circle windows. Ollie steps into
frame, in front of an altar.

He takes a few clean breaths, loosens his tie. Steadies
himself at the platform. He stands before us in an
oversized suit. Now we can see the visible cuts on his
forehead. The bruising plotted around his face, deep
swelling.

OLLIE
I have a few words that I would
like to say. I’ve got them written
down here. My nan was a very
beautiful person and she deserves
a proper send off. And-
(beat)
I never thought it would ever hurt
this bad. And now I don’t know
what to do. And the person I would
ask, well, she’s not here.

Ollie coughs, clearing his throat.

OLLIE
I suppose it’s sad that we never
get to tell the people we love
just how much we adore them until
they can’t hear us. Maybe they
can, if you believe in that sort
of thing.
(beat)
She was amazing, but now she’s an
ache and pain. This hurts so much.
Her face would frown down on me
now, her boy with all these tears
in his eyes.
(beat)
I’m proud to have shared my time
with this lady, a woman I loved
very much. A mother.
(beat)
Rest softly, Nan.
(another beat)
(MORE)



(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED:
OLLIE (CONT'D)
I’ve got more to say, but I can’t
remember. There’s too many words
in this world.

Ollie floats his eyes over his audience. Only now we see
a SMALL CONGREGATION OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS. And Ollie’s
gaze falling on HANNAH in the front row. She stares
straight through her SON.

Ollie takes a final breath. He considers his next words,
moves away from the lectern, then back into place.

OLLIE
I read some stuff in the library
once. There was one poem that was
quite beautiful, and it must have
made some impact on me because I
remember it.

The audience remain still. Some CHILDREN shuffle on their
hands.

OLLIE
If I should go tomorrow
It would never be goodbye,
For I have left my heart with you,
So don’t you ever cry.
The love that’s deep within me,
Shall reach you from the stars,
You’ll feel it from the heavens,
And it will heal the scars.

Ollie catches his breath. Then he vacates the lectern in
silence.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Ollie, injured and fleeing in a stolen car, experiences a haunting dream where he delivers a eulogy for his grandmother in a chapel. Surrounded by family and friends, including his cold ex-wife Hannah, he struggles to articulate his grief and guilt. The scene juxtaposes his desperate escape from the police with his introspective confrontation of loss, culminating in a silent departure from the lectern as the dream abruptly ends.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Poetic dialogue
  • Character exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Dream sequence may be confusing for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, beautifully written, and provides insight into Ollie's character and his internal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Ollie delivering a eulogy for his nan in a dream sequence is unique and adds depth to his character.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Ollie's emotional journey and his relationship with his nan, providing a poignant moment of reflection.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique blend of action and introspection, as well as the emotional depth of the protagonist's dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Ollie's character, showcasing his vulnerability, grief, and poetic nature.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant emotional change as he processes his grief and memories of his nan.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his guilt and grief over a recent event, possibly a violent encounter that led to blood on his face. His internal goal reflects his deeper need for redemption and closure, as well as his fear of facing the consequences of his actions.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal in this scene is to escape from the authorities chasing him in the stolen car. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and adds to the tension and urgency of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is internal, as Ollie grapples with his emotions and memories of his nan.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing both external challenges in the form of the authorities chasing him and internal conflicts related to his guilt and grief. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how Ollie will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are emotional, as Ollie grapples with the loss of his nan and his own feelings of grief and longing.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Ollie's character and emotional state, moving the story forward in terms of character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it combines elements of action, emotion, and introspection in unexpected ways, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how Ollie's story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of Ollie's guilt and grief with the need for survival and escape. This challenges his beliefs about morality and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and reflection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poetic, introspective, and adds depth to Ollie's character and the themes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively combines action, emotion, and suspense, keeping the audience invested in Ollie's journey and internal struggle. The blend of high-stakes car chase and emotional dream sequence adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing the high-stakes action of the car chase with the emotional introspection of the dream sequence. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in Ollie's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between the high-stakes car chase and the emotional dream sequence in the chapel. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and the pacing is slow. The dream sequence is well-written but feels a bit drawn out, particularly the parts where Ollie is struggling to find the words to say. It's a bit repetitive and takes away from the tension of the chase sequence that the scene is meant to interrupt.
  • While the dream sequence is effective in revealing Ollie's emotional turmoil and grief, it could be made more impactful by directly connecting it to the action of the chase sequence. Perhaps Ollie's dream could be interrupted by a jarring sound, bringing him back to reality and highlighting the urgency of his situation.
  • The presence of Hannah in the dream feels a bit jarring. While it makes sense that she would be there, it's unclear what her presence contributes to the scene. Her coldness toward Ollie seems incongruous with the rest of the dream, which is mostly about grief and regret. This could be resolved by giving her a more active role in the dream, perhaps offering some kind of comfort or reflecting Ollie's guilt.
  • The poem Ollie recites in the dream is a bit too straightforward and lacks the nuance and complexity of the other dialogue in the scene. It could be more impactful if it was a poem that directly reflected Ollie's current situation, perhaps one that alluded to his guilt, his desire for redemption, or his fear of the future.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual details to enhance the dream sequence and create a more immersive experience. For instance, describe the chapel in more detail, or perhaps show the congregation's reaction to Ollie's eulogy.
  • The ending of the dream sequence, with Ollie simply vacating the lectern, is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a final line or image that leaves the audience with a lasting impression. Perhaps Ollie could wake up with a start, or the dream could fade into the flashing blue lights of the police cars.
Suggestions
  • Cut down the dream sequence, perhaps by eliminating some of the repetitive lines and focusing on the most emotionally resonant moments.
  • Find ways to connect the dream sequence to the action of the chase sequence, perhaps by using sound or imagery.
  • Rethink Hannah's role in the dream, giving her a more active presence or exploring the reasons behind her coldness.
  • Replace the poem with one that directly reflects Ollie's current situation, perhaps drawing inspiration from his guilt, desire for redemption, or fear of the future.
  • Add more visual details to the dream sequence, such as a description of the chapel, the congregation, or Ollie's emotional state.
  • Consider adding a more impactful ending to the dream sequence, perhaps with Ollie waking up with a start, or the dream fading into the flashing blue lights of the police cars.



Scene 32 -  Night Ride
INT/EXT. STOLEN CAR, MOVING/COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

Mads’ hand hangs out the window, fluttering in the black
air. Ollie drives in auto pilot through the country
lanes, his eyes wavering. Blinks becoming longer.

Mads looks to him as he crosses to the middle of the
road, then corrects his course.

MADS
Shall I drive?

OLLIE
No.




(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:

Mads rolls her eyes. She lowers her window further. Then
places her head out. Then she pulls herself further out
of the window.

Ollie takes his eyes from the road, watching his
girlfriend hang from the window. Her entire torso is out
of the window, her hair in the wind. Mads smiles. Ollie
watches as she SCREAMS FREEDOM to the wind.

She stretches out, clipping leaves from trees. Ollie
looks to his speedometer, increasing. Then Ollie smiles,
reaches for Mads’ ankle on the seat. He holds her down,
tight.

MADS
I’m not even cold.

OLLIE
I got you.

MADS
Wooh!

Mads smiles as her hair whips around her face, her eyes
shut to the blackness. A small country road, the car
moving too fast for these small lanes.

Ollie watches Mads, his foot pressing hard on the
acceleration. Ollie’s eyes undress Mads, the world in
SLOW MOTION. Ollie smiles at her form, her natural
beauty.

Ollie starts the radio. He recognises the song that
starts almost instantly. Ed Sheeran: WAKE ME UP. As the
song moves on, Ollie talks the lyrics under his breath,
shaking the terror from his brain.

OLLIE
(along with the
lyrics)
I should ink my skin
With your name
And take my passport out again
And just replace it.

Mads’ smiling face.

OLLIE
See I could do without a tan
On my left hand, where my fourth
finger meets my knuckle
And I should run you a hot bath
And fill it up with bubbles.



(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED: (2)

Ollie’s eyes focus back to the road. Except the road has
gone, replaced by an INFINITY OF STARS.

OLLIE
'Cause maybe you're lovable
And maybe you're my snowflake
And your eyes turn from green to
gray and in the winter I'll
Hold you in a cold place
And you should never cut your hair
'Cause I love the way you flick it
off your shoulder.

The stars sparkle in Mads’ eyes. Mesmerizing.

OLLIE
I think you hate the smell of
smoke
You always tryna get me to stop
But you drink as much as me
And I get drunk a lot.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Ollie drives a stolen car through country lanes at night, speeding recklessly. Mads hangs out the window, relishing the wind and freedom. Ollie, captivated by Mads, sings along to an Ed Sheeran song, his feelings mirroring the lyrics. The scene ends with Ollie, mesmerized by Mads, distracted from the road and gazing at a star-filled sky.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate moments
  • Use of song lyrics to enhance mood
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and vulnerability of the characters, creating a poignant and intimate moment between Ollie and Mads.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring love, loss, and grief through a quiet and reflective moment in a moving car is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the emotional connection between Ollie and Mads, providing insight into their relationship dynamics and personal struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and unique take on the theme of freedom and rebellion, with its focus on sensory details and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Mads are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed through their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

Both Ollie and Mads experience emotional growth and vulnerability in the scene, deepening their connection and revealing new layers of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel alive and free, to escape from the mundane and experience a sense of thrill and excitement. This reflects their deeper desire for adventure and spontaneity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to enjoy the moment and connect with their partner, to feel the rush of adrenaline and experience a sense of closeness and intimacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle tension in the scene, the focus is more on the emotional connection between the characters rather than external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional in nature, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and relationships rather than external threats.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene primarily focuses on character development and emotional exploration, it also provides insight into the dynamics of Ollie and Mads' relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' risky and impulsive actions, the unexpected twists in the dialogue, and the sense of danger and excitement that keeps the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the desire for freedom and the need for safety, between living in the moment and considering the consequences of reckless behavior. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about risk-taking and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in its exploration of love, loss, and grief.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue, including the use of song lyrics, enhances the emotional impact of the scene and reveals the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sense of tension and excitement, the emotional depth of the characters, and the vivid sensory details that immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and anticipation, building towards a climactic moment, and balancing moments of action with moments of introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are well-written and engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Ollie driving in a reckless manner, which is not surprising given the previous scene, but it is a bit repetitive, and doesn't really establish a sense of danger or stakes. There is little sense of tension, the threat of being pursued by the police feels muted.
  • The scene's focus on Mads' enjoyment of the ride and Ollie's romanticized view of her feels a bit jarring in light of their current circumstances. It is difficult to buy into the idea of carefree fun when they are on the run and Ollie is visibly struggling with internal turmoil.
  • The Ed Sheeran lyrics are used to express Ollie's emotional state, which is a common trope in screenwriting. While it is effective in conveying Ollie's yearning and longing, it is a bit on-the-nose and predictable. The lyrics feel like a direct translation of his emotions rather than a more subtle and evocative way of showing them.
  • The ending of the scene, with Ollie's eyes focusing on a field of stars, is a bit abrupt and doesn't have a clear purpose. It feels like a visual metaphor that isn't fully developed or integrated into the narrative. The ending is underwhelming after the build-up of tension in the previous scene.
  • The scene's visual description of Mads hanging out of the window is vivid, but it is not clear how this action contributes to the story or character development. It feels like a visual flourish that doesn't have a deeper meaning or purpose.
Suggestions
  • Consider amplifying the stakes of the scene by emphasizing the dangers of Ollie's driving and the potential consequences of their escape. This could be achieved by introducing specific obstacles or threats that they encounter on their journey.
  • Instead of focusing solely on Mads' enjoyment, try to explore the complex emotions she's experiencing. Is she also grappling with fear, guilt, or uncertainty about their future? This could add depth and complexity to her character.
  • Explore the use of the song in a more subtle and nuanced way. Perhaps Ollie can use it as a way to distract himself from his fears, or it could trigger a specific memory for him. Instead of using the lyrics directly, explore the song's emotional impact through Ollie's reactions and actions.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful visual or action. Perhaps Ollie loses control of the car, leading to a near-accident. This could create a sense of urgency and foreshadow the danger of their situation.
  • Explore the visual possibilities of the scene beyond the description of Mads hanging out the window. This could include shots that reveal the tension on Ollie's face or the rapidly passing scenery, emphasizing the danger of their situation.



Scene 33 -  Death's Embrace
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD/SKY FULL OF STARS - NIGHT

The car rises from the road, racing vertically towards
the night sky. A spaceship taking off. Climbing and
climbing.


INT. STOLEN CAR - CONTINUOUS

Mads ducks back inside. Her and Ollie watch the beautiful
scene envelop in front of them. The MILKY WAY.

MADS
Beautiful.

OLLIE
So I'll take you to the beach
And walk along the sand And I'll
Make you a heart pendant
With a pebble held in my hand.

Mads’ face turns to fear. She spins to Ollie, her world
ending.

MADS
Ollie!




(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
And I'll carve it like a necklace
So the heart falls where your
chest is
And now a piece of me is a piece
of the beach and it falls just
where it needs to be
And rests peacefully
So you just need to breathe
To feel my heart against yours now
Against yours now.


Ollie turns to Mads, then back to the stars. But now they
are the dark country road.

And Mads’ eyes OPEN.

Positioned between Mads and Ollie, looking out through
the windscreen. In a cacophony of action:

CRASH... THE WHOLE CAR SPINS... FLIPS HEAD OVER HEELS...
THE CAR CRUMPLES AND CONTORTS AS THE IMPACT RACES THROUGH
THE METAL...

OLLIE IS THROWN INTO THE REAR OF THE CAR...

GRINDING... SHATTERING GLASS... THE OCCUPANTS LIKE RAG
DOLLS IN A WASHING MACHINE... SCREAMING AND HOWLING...

A TREE BRANCH ENTERS THE WINDSCREEN... FLYING PAST US...
THEN TORN OUT... UPSIDE DOWN, SPARKS FLY AND CRACKLE ON
THE TARMAC. SLIDING ACROSS THE FLOOR... HITTING A
ROADSIDE BARRIER.... SLIDING TO A STOP.

Stillness. A drip of fuel begins to leak and puddle on
the roof.

Then Ollie moves. He touches his face. A bloody gash is
leaking onto his brow and is dripping in front of his
eyes. His WHIMPERING fills the night air.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with Mads and Ollie gazing at the starlit sky, a romantic ambiance shattered as Ollie recites a chilling poem foreshadowing his own death. Mads, initially captivated, is overwhelmed by terror as the poem's dark meaning sinks in. The car hurtles down a dark road, crashing violently. Ollie is thrown into the back, Mads is flung around, and the windshield shatters. The scene ends with the wrecked car coming to a stop, Ollie, bleeding and whimpering, the first to move.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Unexpected twist
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some elements may be too melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining intense emotions, tragedy, and a sudden turn of events that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dream sequence leading to a car crash is innovative and adds depth to the character's emotional journey.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a dramatic turn with the unexpected car crash, adding tension and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its combination of romantic dialogue with a sudden and violent car crash, creating a stark contrast between intimacy and chaos. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, making it feel fresh and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the accident and their emotional turmoil are well portrayed, adding depth to their development.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a significant change as they face the aftermath of the car crash, leading to emotional growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 8

Mads' internal goal in this scene is to express her fear and shock at the sudden turn of events. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her desire to protect herself and those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the car crash and its aftermath. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to overcome it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the car crash, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the sudden car crash presenting a major obstacle for the characters to overcome. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the scene.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as the characters face a life-threatening situation and must confront the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major turning point and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it starts with a romantic moment between the characters and then abruptly shifts to a violent car crash, catching the audience off guard and creating a sense of shock and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the fragility of life and the unpredictability of fate. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and safety, forcing them to confront the harsh reality of mortality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, grief, and desperation, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially Ollie's poetic lines, but could be more nuanced to reflect the characters' emotional states.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines emotional depth with intense action, creating a sense of urgency and suspense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The sudden shift from intimacy to chaos adds a layer of unpredictability and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense leading up to the climactic car crash. The rhythm of the action and dialogue creates a sense of urgency and immediacy, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The visual descriptions and sensory details enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense leading up to the climactic car crash.


Critique
  • The scene's visual description is compelling and sets the scene beautifully. The initial description of the car rising vertically towards the night sky creates a strong sense of movement and wonder. The description of the Milky Way is evocative and adds to the scene's beauty.
  • The poem Ollie recites is a jarring shift in tone, and it's unclear how it contributes to the overall narrative. The poem focuses on a heart pendant, which isn't established as a relevant object in the scene or the larger story. It's more of an awkward poetic interlude that feels out of place.
  • The sudden change from the star-filled sky to the dark country road feels abrupt. This is a common issue in screenplays where the transition from one scene to another is not seamlessly managed. This abrupt shift makes the reader question the logic and flow of the scene.
  • The car crash sequence is well-described and exciting. The sensory details like the grinding metal, shattering glass, and the tree branch entering the windshield are vivid and create a strong sense of urgency and chaos. However, the excessive use of exclamation points and all-caps words like CRASH and FLIPS makes the writing feel over-the-top and melodramatic.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ollie's whimpering. It's not clear what happens next, or what the immediate consequences of the car crash are. The scene needs to provide some closure and transition to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the poem altogether. If you want to keep it, find a way to tie it more directly to the narrative and establish its relevance. Perhaps the poem could be a memory that Ollie has as he is thrown through the air, or it could be a connection to a previous event.
  • Smooth out the transition from the star-filled sky to the dark country road. You could use a dissolve effect or a slow zoom to create a more gradual shift in setting.
  • Instead of relying heavily on exclamation points and all-caps, use evocative verbs and adverbs to create the sense of urgency and chaos in the car crash sequence. For example, instead of 'CRASH,' you could write 'The car slammed into the barrier, crumpling metal and shattering glass.'
  • End the scene with a clearer resolution. Show what happens immediately after the car crash. Does Mads respond? Does Ollie try to get out of the car? Do they hear sirens? This will provide the audience with a sense of closure and set up the next scene.



Scene 34 -  The Phantom Horse
EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The car broken and inverted, wedged just off the road in
some bushes against a roadside barrier. A wheel still
spins lazy.

Ollie pulls himself across the roof of the vehicle and
out through a shattered window. The glass sprays across
the tarmac.




(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED:

Ollie darts around to Mads’ side of the car. He hits the
floor, prone.


INT. STOLEN CAR - CONTINUOUS

Ollie pulls himself in. Blood is pouring from Mads’
temple all over her face, her body still inverted in her
passenger seat. Ollie struggles with her seat belt, Mads’
weight preventing him from loosening her.

The glass crackles as Ollie moves his arm in front of
Mads’ face and his hand to her neck. Ollie sighs with
relief as he finds a pulse.

The car shifts. Ollie freezes.

OLLIE
Can you hear me? Babe, please
answer.


EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The last window on the car pops out, spraying more glass.
A shard pierces the roadside barrier.


INT. STOLEN CAR - CONTINUOUS

Ollie cradles Mads’ head. He sniffs, smells that petrol.
Sniffs once more. Confirms the scent. Ollie is now inches
from Mads’ face.

OLLIE
I know. I can smell it.

Ollie considers. He reaches for Mads’ seat belt release.
Thinks better of it. Retracts his hand, spotting the
mobile phone resting on the back shelf.

Ollie pulls himself through the wrecked interior of the
car. He reaches for his discarded mobile, the screen
turns to a bright lock screen.

Ollie swipes the ‘Emergency calls only’. He hesitates


EXT. ROAD - MOMENTS LATER

Silence in the night. The drip of fuel.




(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:

Ollie wanders to the middle of the road, to the silence
of midnight. Then he spots it from the distance, the
orange flames reflecting in his eyes.

The SHIRE HORSE GALLOPS DOWN THE STREET, entirely
ENGULFED IN FLAMES. A phantom horse, moving in SLOW
MOTION through the black.

The animal trots towards Ollie. The flames kick out from
the beasts eyes. Then the horse passes by without
breaking stride, CHARGING INTO THE DARKNESS.

Ollie is left in the dark. Slowly but surely the SOUND OF
SIRENS can be heard approaching. This brings Ollie back
to planet earth.

The blue flashing lights reflect off of Ollie’s dark
eyes, his pupils shrinking. Glazed over and shell
shocked.

And--

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After escaping a crashed car, Ollie finds Mads injured inside. He discovers a gasoline leak and attempts to call for help, but hesitates. A fiery, phantom Shire horse gallops towards him before vanishing into the darkness. Just as Ollie is overcome with terror, the scene abruptly ends with the arrival of sirens, leaving Ollie in a state of shock and despair.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Surreal imagery
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, with a strong sense of impending danger and desperation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing a life-threatening situation and making critical decisions under extreme pressure is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense action of the car crash and the emotional turmoil of the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and unexpected element with the flaming horse, adding a surreal and symbolic layer to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and decisions in the face of danger are believable and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters are forced to confront their mortality and make life-altering decisions, leading to some internal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to save Mads, as seen through his actions of checking her pulse, smelling petrol, and attempting to release her seat belt. This reflects his deeper need for connection and protection.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to call for help and escape the car accident. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and physical, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges like saving Mads, dealing with the flaming horse, and the impending danger of the car accident.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by placing the characters in a dire situation that will have lasting consequences.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the surreal and symbolic elements like the flaming horse, as well as the unexpected twists in the character's actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between life and death, as Ollie struggles to save Mads while being surrounded by danger and the flaming horse symbolizing mortality. This challenges Ollie's beliefs about the fragility of life and the inevitability of death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and sadness, drawing the audience into the characters' plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotions, suspenseful atmosphere, and unexpected elements like the flaming horse. The reader is drawn into the urgency and danger of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to the climax with the flaming horse.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax with the flaming horse, and a resolution with the arrival of sirens. It effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene starts strong with a sense of urgency and tension, effectively establishing the immediate aftermath of the car crash.
  • The visual description of the broken car is vivid, creating a strong sense of chaos and danger.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Mads is short and to the point, effectively conveying their immediate concerns and emotions.
  • The discovery of Mads's pulse and the subsequent realization of the fuel leak adds to the tension and suspense.
  • The scene's climax, the appearance of the flaming Shire Horse, is visually striking and evokes a sense of surrealism and dread, however, it might not be clear to the reader what the horse represents or why it appears.
  • The scene's ending, with the arrival of sirens and Ollie's shell-shocked expression, leaves the reader with a sense of uncertainty and dread.
  • However, the scene's pacing could be improved. The moments where Ollie checks the phone and hesitates could be trimmed for a more impactful and immediate feeling.
  • The scene's ending with the smash cut to black feels abrupt and could be more impactful. A lingering shot of Ollie's stunned expression might be more effective.
  • The scene feels somewhat detached from the emotional impact of the car crash. While we understand Ollie's immediate concerns, his reaction to Mads' injury feels a bit cold. It would be more impactful to show his emotional distress more explicitly.
  • The scene's overall tone, while appropriately tense, could be further enhanced by using more evocative language and imagery to amplify the sense of urgency and desperation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional reaction from Ollie, perhaps a brief moment of panic or shock, to better convey the weight of Mads' injury and the impending danger.
  • Explore the symbolic meaning of the flaming Shire Horse more explicitly. Is it a vision, a hallucination, or a supernatural entity? Providing some context would make its appearance more impactful.
  • Streamline the scene's pacing by removing any unnecessary actions or dialogue, focusing on the most crucial elements of the crash's aftermath.
  • Consider using a more dramatic ending to the scene. Instead of a smash cut, try ending on a close-up of Ollie's face, with the sirens wailing in the background, allowing the reader to linger on the scene's impact.
  • Experiment with sensory details to enhance the scene's atmosphere. For instance, describe the smell of gasoline more vividly, or use sound effects to create a more immersive experience for the reader.



Scene 35 -  Festival Aftermath
EXT. FIELD/ ABANDONED CARAVAN - DAWN

Early morning sunshine peering through the trees.

DRIFTING across the site. The end of the festival weekend
for the young souls. A hot summer morning creeping in.

The field sits in ruins. Gypsies pack up their last
trailers.


EXT. CARAVAN/FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Several BURNING TENTS. A biblical image. Several gypsy
men SET ALIGHT A CARAVAN, then a final gazebo. The world
is on fire, shrouded in smoke.

Benny, his face bruised and lip cut, helps Bartley
manoeuvre the Ferris wheel onto a trailer. Then he
wanders over to-

THREE GYPSY MEN watching the derelict structure as it
collapses and burns to the ground, ENGLULFED IN FLAMES.

Jeeps pulling caravans away. A GYPSY rounds up ONE HORSE.

In the distance some music is still PUMPING.
73.


EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - SAME TIME

The Gypsy convoy rattle across the countryside. The
vehicles pass a POLIC CAR.

TWO POLICE OFFICERS have climbed out, their eyes FIXED ON
SOMETHING JUST OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, taking in the
sight of a CRASHED CAR.

Crumpled in a heap among some trees. Derelict and ruined,
the car that OLLIE WAS DRIVING has one collapsed wheel
and the front bonnet smashed through.

The road ahead forks in two directions.

POLICE OFFICER
Almost.


EXT. BENNY’S CARAVAN/FIELD - DAY

Benny backs up a 4x4 with a horse box attached to the
rear. The car moves into position, then Benny emerges
with horses reins.

He approaches the paddock, slowing as he closes in. Benny
stops, drops the reins. The paddock holds only one horse.
The shire horse has gone.

BENNY
Motherfucker!


EXT. VILLAGE - DAY

Ollie and Mads RIDE THE SHIRE HORSE through this tiny
country village. Roads with no markings on, between
cottages with thatched roofs. They wander aimless,
searching for something.

Then they pass it. Ollie dismounts the horse. He picks up
a knackered moped from a ditch beside the road.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Following a festival weekend, gypsies dismantle their tents and burn their belongings. Benny, helping load a Ferris wheel, witnesses the destruction of a derelict structure by fire. A police car investigates a crashed car on a country road. Back at the caravan site, Benny discovers his Shire horse has gone missing. Meanwhile, Ollie and Mads ride a Shire horse through a village, searching for something. Ollie finds a broken moped in a ditch, leaving the audience with unanswered questions about his next move and the connection to the festival's chaotic aftermath.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Compelling conflict
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency, danger, and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a festival and the characters' desperate actions, is well-executed and contributes to the overall tension and drama.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a sense of impending danger and emotional turmoil, driving the characters to make crucial decisions that impact their fates.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the post-festival setting with unique character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' actions and emotions are well-portrayed, showcasing their vulnerabilities and strengths in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes in the scene, facing their fears and making difficult choices that impact their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Benny's internal goal is to find the missing shire horse, which reflects his need for control and stability in a chaotic environment.

External Goal: 7

Benny's external goal is to pack up and leave the festival site, reflecting the immediate challenge of moving on from the chaos and destruction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face physical danger and emotional turmoil, heightening the tension and stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and difficult choices that will shape their futures.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and revelations that drive the characters towards their goals.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events and actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene presents a conflict between the gypsy lifestyle of impermanence and the desire for stability and control, challenging Benny's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and dilemmas.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions and the unfolding events.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its chaotic and unpredictable nature, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure and formatting for its genre, effectively setting up the narrative.


Critique
  • This scene feels somewhat disjointed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between multiple locations and events without a strong central thread to tie them together.
  • The opening descriptions of the field and the burning tents are visually strong but lack narrative purpose. They don't directly advance the plot or reveal anything significant about the characters.
  • The scene introduces Benny's missing horse, but its significance isn't immediately apparent. This plot point needs to be linked to the larger story arc.
  • The introduction of the crashed car, presumably Ollie's, feels abrupt and out of place. The previous scene ended with the sirens arriving. It would be more impactful if the crash were shown, or at least its immediate aftermath.
  • The scene ends with Ollie finding a broken moped, but this action doesn't seem to have any immediate significance. It feels like a loose end that needs further development.
  • While the scene attempts to capture the atmosphere of the festival's aftermath, it lacks emotional impact. The descriptions of the burning tents and the collapsed structure don't evoke a strong sense of loss or destruction.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks any real character development. We don't see any interaction between Ollie and Mads, and their search for something remains unexplained.
  • The scene feels rushed and lacking in tension. The overall pacing feels uneven, particularly after the intense conclusion of the previous scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider focusing the scene on the immediate aftermath of the car crash. Show Ollie's injuries and his search for Mads. The discovery of the moped could be a clue to a new danger or a tool for their escape.
  • Develop the significance of the missing Shire horse. Is it linked to a specific threat, a new source of danger, or a means of escape? Tie this thread to the larger story arc.
  • Integrate the events at the caravan site more effectively. Show the aftermath of the fire, the chaos of the packing up, and the reactions of the Gypsy men.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the events on Ollie and Mads. Show their reaction to the car crash, their injuries, and their fear of the future.
  • Add more dialogue to develop the relationship between Ollie and Mads. Show them working together to overcome the obstacles they face.
  • Create a more visually compelling and emotionally resonant atmosphere. Show the destruction and loss that the festival weekend has left behind.
  • Consider adding a scene with the police officers, revealing their investigation of the crash and their possible suspicions about Ollie.
  • Ensure that the actions and events in this scene contribute to the larger story arc. Every detail should move the plot forward and deepen the character development.



Scene 36 -  The Caravan Confrontation
EXT. RAIL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

Two platforms. One platform empty, the other RAMMED WITH
BODIES. At the front, Ollie and Mads.

MADS
Are you sure we’re going that way?

OLLIE
I’m sure.


(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:

Ollie gives Mads a look, taking in her perfect beauty.
She stares straight ahead.

Heads turn as a TRAIN ROLLS TO A STOP. The doors slide
open. The entire platform shuffle onboard.

The platform is left empty. Through the mesh fence we can
see the car park. The SHIRE HORSE is there, wandering
free amongst the parked cars.


INT. TRAIN - DAY

A packed carriage, the train passing through green
countryside.

Ollie and Mads standing in each others arms in the middle
of this mess of bodies. Somebody fires off some confetti
and the entire carriage cheer and WHOOP!

Then the train passes through a tunnel, the world falling
into blackness. When we pass out the other side, the
confetti still floats.

OLLIE
We need to go back.

MADS
What?

OLLIE
This isn’t done.

MADS
I’m not enough.

OLLIE
Not yet.

The bodies around them take no notice, somebody’s boombox
kicks in to life. Arms are raised, smiles are produced,
the party is still alive.


EXT. FIELD - DAY

Burnt out fire pits. Gutted caravans. Litter and
abandoned tents. The beautiful countryside in ruins. And
Ollie. He wanders between the mess.

Beside him stands the Shire horse. The animal waits for
instructions from his master.




(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED:

Then he takes a moment, looks to the blue sky. Ollie
takes a breath. He takes his mobile phone from his
pocket, launching it towards the sky. We never even hear
it land.

Then Ollie opens the door to a charcoal black caravan.
The door swings open, then falls from the hinges.

Ollie drops the horses reins, removing the beasts head
gear so the animal is standing free.


INT. GUTTED CARAVAN - LATER

Ollie rotates a flip knife through his knuckles. Balances
it on the back of his hand, shaking, then resting at
ease.

What is left of the door swings open gently, and in steps
Benny. He smiles around the black space. Looks straight
to his target.

BENNY
There you are. And with my horse.

OLLIE
Here I am. You knew that.

BENNY
I found you.

OLLIE
Kept my word. Set him free here.

BENNY
And ‘dis is where it will end for
you.

OLLIE
Yeah.

BENNY
You want it as much a me?

Ollie flips the knife once more.

OLLIE
I’m all yours. Do with me as you
wish.
(beat)
Remember, you only get this once.
Make use of it.

Benny manouevers. Hesitates.


(CONTINUED)
76.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Go on.

Benny eyes the knife.

OLLIE
I met a man like you before.
(beat)
A bully. And I almost killed him.
(beat)
It was me, remember? I was the boy
you told.

BENNY
What?

OLLIE
Inside. You were telling a story
about that woman you robbed. I was
one of the boys listening.

INSERT: A PRISON CANTEEN. Benny holds an audience as he
brags about a robbery. Opposite him, a few stools down,
tucked away, OLLIE.

BENNY
You’ve not done time.

OLLIE
I beat my adopted father to a pulp
because he was in the wrong place.
But it was meant for you.

BENNY
I know your face.

INSERT: PRSION CANTEEN. And for a fleeting moment,
Benny’s eyes cross Ollie. Ollie listens with rage boiling
behind the eyes.

OLLIE
Yeah.

BENNY
You’re like me.

OLLIE
A bad guy. A bad guy you made.

BENNY
You promise you won’t cry?
(moving his eyes to
the knife)
That’s not fair.


(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLLIE
None of this was fair.

BENNY
I won’t take long.

Benny rolls up his sleeves.

OLLIE
You want me to sit here?

Ollie slides up the wall, to his feet. Benny moves into a
boxing southpaw.

BENNY
Get rid of the knife.

OLLIE
You know why I have this knife?

BENNY
Get rid of it.

OLLIE
I’m not all there, that’s what
they said. As soon as I let my
eyes fall on you.

BENNY
Get rid of the knife.

OLLIE
You know why you’re so special?

BENNY
I couldn’t give a fuck.

For the first time there’s fear in Benny’s eyes.

OLLIE
You thought you knew me, but in
reality you don’t know anything.
You’re here because I want you
here, in front of me. I’m not like
anyone you’ve ever met. I’m
different. To be scared of
violence, of people like you, you
need to have something to lose.
That’s all we are ever scared of,
not what you’ll hurt us with, but
what you’ll scar me with. I’ve
already got plenty of those, why
not add a few more? You have
nothing you can threaten me with.


(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED: (3)

BENNY
You’re loose up there.

OLLIE
I thought you knew people like me?

Benny steps closer.

BENNY
Put the knife down.

OLLIE
No.

BENNY
I’m not touching you until you
drop it.

OLLIE
So you give up?

Benny jockeys closer.

OLLIE
Do you even remember her?

The knife rotates in Ollie’s hand.

Benny reaches out a fist, respect, touching gloves to
initiate the fight. Except Ollie takes Benny’s hand,
wraps it around his closed fist.

And with the other hand Ollie STABS BENNY IN THE FACE,
ripping through his mouth. Benny freezes, stuck on the
spot. His cheek flaps open. Blood spews everywhere.

Benny sinks to his knees as Ollie delivers a STAB TO THE
NECK. Benny flops sideways, more blood PROJECTILE
SQUIRTING from his wound.

Ollie takes a moment. Blood spray on his face. Slips his
knife back into his pocket.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, fueled by a sense of vengeance, confronts Benny in a ruined caravan. Despite Benny's initial arrogance, Ollie's knowledge of Benny's past and his own hardened demeanor intimidate him. Their confrontation culminates in a brutal struggle, ending with Ollie fatally stabbing Benny in the face and neck. The scene is marked by intense violence and a gritty realism, culminating in Ollie standing over Benny's lifeless body, covered in blood.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Dark themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and a significant character development. The confrontation between Ollie and Benny is gripping and keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a final confrontation between two characters with a history of violence and conflict is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of revenge, redemption, and the consequences of past actions.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense confrontation between Ollie and Benny, leading to a dramatic and unexpected resolution. The scene advances the overall story arc and adds depth to the characters' motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a violent confrontation and the protagonist's internal struggle with his past. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and raw, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Benny are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion. The scene showcases their conflicting personalities and the impact of their past actions on their present choices.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ollie and Benny undergo significant changes during the scene, with Ollie confronting his past and Benny facing the consequences of his actions. The violent outcome marks a turning point for both characters.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past and come to terms with his own violent tendencies. He struggles with his identity and the choices he has made, seeking redemption and closure.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to confront and defeat his enemy, Benny, in a violent confrontation. He seeks to assert his power and control over the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict between Ollie and Benny is at its peak in this scene, leading to a violent and dramatic confrontation. The tension is palpable and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with a tense and violent confrontation between the protagonist and his enemy. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' lives on the line and the outcome of the confrontation having far-reaching consequences. The tension and suspense are heightened by the high stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Ollie and Benny and setting the stage for the next phase of the narrative. It adds depth to the characters and advances the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the moral ambiguity of the characters, and the shocking violence that unfolds. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of violence and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about himself and his capacity for violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters. The violent confrontation and emotional dialogue create a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the inner thoughts and motivations of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between Ollie and Benny.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, high stakes, and emotional depth. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, a climactic confrontation, and a resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are well-crafted and enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climactic confrontation, and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a jarring shift from the previous scene's car crash and the subsequent discovery of the Shire horse to a train carriage. This abrupt change in setting and tone could leave the audience feeling disoriented.
  • The confetti celebration on the train feels forced and out of place. It doesn't contribute to the overall narrative or character development. It's more like a comedic interruption in a dramatic scene.
  • The dialogue between Ollie and Mads feels repetitive and unemotional. They express similar sentiments about being 'done' and 'not enough' without much nuance or depth. The lack of emotional investment makes the scene feel superficial.
  • The scene's transition to the ruined campsite is predictable. The audience has already seen similar imagery of destruction, and the scene doesn't offer much new information or insight.
  • The confrontation between Ollie and Benny feels rushed and lacking in tension. Benny's dialogue is predictable, and Ollie's threats are unconvincing. The scene doesn't build to a satisfying climax or reveal much about the characters.
  • Ollie's confession about knowing Benny from prison is an info-dump. It doesn't flow naturally from the dialogue and feels forced into the scene.
  • The fight scene is overly descriptive and lacks visual impact. The use of words like 'projectile squirting' and 'rips through his mouth' is excessive and detracts from the scene's suspense.
  • The scene ends with a sudden and anticlimactic killing of Benny. The lack of emotional weight and the abruptness of the death make the scene feel rushed and unsatisfactory.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating a more seamless transition between the car crash and the train scene. Perhaps show Ollie and Mads walking towards the station, wounded and disoriented, to create a sense of continuity.
  • Remove the confetti celebration on the train. Focus on the emotional tension between Ollie and Mads and their conflicting desires. Explore their vulnerabilities and anxieties instead of introducing a comedic element that feels out of place.
  • Develop the dialogue between Ollie and Mads with more emotional depth. Explore the complexity of their relationship and the inner turmoil each character is experiencing. Explore their fears and motivations more fully.
  • Instead of showing a completely ruined campsite, focus on a particular detail or location that reveals something significant about Ollie's emotional state or the events that have transpired. This can create a more impactful visual and emotional connection.
  • Build the tension between Ollie and Benny gradually. Introduce elements of psychological warfare, showcasing their past encounters and the reasons behind their animosity. This will create a more compelling and suspenseful confrontation.
  • Reveal Ollie's knowledge of Benny's past more subtly. Incorporate flashbacks or snippets of dialogue that hint at their previous encounter in prison. This will create a more natural and impactful revelation.
  • Focus on the visual impact of the fight scene instead of relying on overly descriptive language. Show the movements, the expressions, and the physical brutality of the fight without resorting to graphic descriptions.
  • Create a more satisfying conclusion to the scene. Explore Ollie's emotional state after killing Benny. Show his reaction, his guilt, or his indifference. This will provide a deeper understanding of his character and the consequences of his actions.



Scene 37 -  Ollie's Rage
INT. BUNGALOW LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Nan and her Husband cradle one another. The swaying has
stopped. They stand completely still.

Nan’s Husband runs his fingers through her hair. On the
pair, Nan’s Husband is replaced by Ollie. Then--

CUT TO:
OLLIE SLASHES AND STABS AT BENNY. BLOOD SPRAY.
79.


INT. BUNGALOW BATHROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Ollie standing in front of the mirror. He takes the towel
from the rack, wrapping it around his fist.

He instantly PUNCHES the mirror. Once. Twice. Three
times. Relentless. The mirror fractures, cracks,
crumbles. Intense, an animal breaking free from a cage.

OLLIE
Why won’t you fucking listen?!
Listen to me! Listen!

CUT TO:
OLLIE PUMMELS BENNY. FLESH TEARING.

OLLIE (O.S.)
Fucking listen! Listen to me!
Listen!


INT. BUNGALOW BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Nan sits on the edge of her bed, fear crippling her body.

OLLIE (O.S.)
Just listen to me!

Silence.


INT. BUNGALOW BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ollie slumps, breathing heavy. Nothing left to destroy.
His fist is mashed, blood seeping through the towel.

Ollie moves his eyes to the door, dazed. Hannah looks
down from the doorway.

HANNAH
You’re paying for that. Okay? I’m
telling you, not asking.

Ollie gets his breath back.

HANNAH
I’ll help her.

OLLIE
No, you won’t. You won’t touch
her.
(beat)
I’m telling you, not asking you.



(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:

HANNAH
Fine.

Ollie sits, his body almost lifeless. Drained and
exhausted.

He pulls himself up and over the bathroom sink. Then he
turns the tap on. The cold water gushes over the towel as
Ollie opens it up to inspect the damage.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, consumed by anger, violently attacks Benny, the blood spraying everywhere. He then unleashes his fury on the bathroom mirror, smashing it in a fit of rage. Ollie screams at Benny to listen to him, but his pleas go unanswered. Nan, paralyzed by fear, watches helplessly from the bedroom. Hannah, concerned for Nan, tries to intervene, but Ollie asserts his dominance and forbids her from helping. He washes the blood off his hands, seemingly drained and defeated, leaving a sense of unease and impending consequences.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional portrayal
  • Raw and visceral violence
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution for certain plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, violent actions, and a shocking turn of events that keep the audience engaged and on edge. The raw and visceral nature of the scene adds depth and complexity to the characters and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reaching a breaking point, both emotionally and physically, is effectively portrayed in the scene. The tension and conflict build to a climax, revealing the characters' inner struggles and external challenges.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about the characters' motivations, relationships, and conflicts. The violent confrontation between Ollie and Benny adds a new layer of complexity to the story and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting domestic violence and power dynamics within a family. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are vividly portrayed in this scene, especially Ollie's inner turmoil and the escalating conflict with Benny. The interactions between the characters reveal their depths and complexities, adding richness to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, reaching a breaking point and taking drastic action against Benny. His emotional turmoil and violent outburst mark a turning point in his character arc, leading to unforeseen consequences and developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to be heard and understood. This reflects their deeper need for validation and control in a situation where they feel powerless.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to assert dominance and control over the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with emotional, physical, and interpersonal conflicts coming to a head. The escalating tensions between Ollie, Benny, and Hannah create a sense of urgency and danger, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension as the characters navigate their conflicting desires and motivations.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing intense emotional, physical, and interpersonal challenges. The violent confrontation between Ollie and Benny raises the stakes and sets the stage for dramatic and unpredictable outcomes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key plot points, character motivations, and conflicts. The violent confrontation between Ollie and Benny sets the stage for future events and developments, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shifts in power dynamics and the unexpected escalation of violence.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between communication and violence as means of resolving conflict. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with intense emotions, fear, grief, and violence driving the characters' actions and decisions. The raw and visceral nature of the scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. The intense and confrontational exchanges between Ollie, Hannah, and Benny add tension and drama to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and emotional content, as well as the suspenseful build-up of conflict and resolution.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the fragmented and intense nature of the events, enhancing the emotional impact on the audience.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format, effectively building tension and suspense. It deviates from the expected structure for its genre, adding to its uniqueness.


Critique
  • This scene, though visually impactful, suffers from a lack of emotional grounding and a confusing narrative structure.
  • The scene is broken into three distinct sections: the flashback to Nan and her husband, Ollie's violent attack on Benny, and Ollie's frustration and anger in the bathroom. Each section is visually compelling, but they lack a clear narrative connection to each other.
  • The flashback to Nan and her husband, while seemingly relevant to the overall theme of the script, feels jarring and disjointed. It lacks a clear purpose within the context of the scene. Is this a flashback to Ollie's memories? Or is it intended to parallel his current state of mind? The scene needs a clearer purpose and connection to the rest of the scene.
  • The violence of the attack on Benny feels excessive and gratuitous. The description of the violence is detailed and graphic, which could be effective, but it lacks emotional impact. Why is Ollie so angry? What is driving his violence? This scene needs more emotional depth to make the violence feel impactful and meaningful.
  • The scene's climax, Ollie's rage in the bathroom, feels like an anticlimactic conclusion. The violence of the scene's middle section is followed by a more introspective moment of Ollie's anger and frustration, which feels like a letdown. This scene needs a more satisfying climax that builds on the intensity of the previous moments.
Suggestions
  • Strengthen the connection between the flashback and the present moment. Consider using the flashback to reveal a crucial piece of information about Nan or Ollie's past that helps to explain his current actions. Perhaps it could show a memory of Nan's husband being violent towards her, explaining Ollie's rage.
  • Explore the emotional motivations behind Ollie's violence. What is he trying to achieve by attacking Benny? Is he seeking revenge, is he trying to punish Benny, or is he trying to lash out at someone who represents his own internal struggles? Show us what is driving Ollie's violence to make it feel impactful and meaningful.
  • Find a more satisfying climax for the scene. Consider a final action that builds on the scene's intensity. Perhaps Ollie could destroy something that represents his past or his relationship with Nan, or he could have a moment of realization about the consequences of his actions.
  • Consider using the dialogue to create a sense of internal conflict. Ollie's internal monologue could reveal his thoughts and feelings about Nan, his past, and his current situation. This would help to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Use the visual imagery to create a sense of dread and suspense. Instead of simply describing the violence, use the visual language to create a feeling of unease and fear. This would help to make the scene more effective and impactful.



Scene 38 -  Bloodstained Visit
INT. GUTTED CARAVAN - DAY (PRESENT)

Ollie gains his breath back. He rolls off of the top of
Benny. The ball of flesh slumps, splayed in blood,
dripping.

A beat for the blood to pool.


EXT. SUBURBAN - DAY

Ollie and Mads, hand in hand, approaching a line of
middle income terrace houses. They share the blood
covering Ollie’s hand. They stop once they find the
number they are looking for.

OLLIE
Wait here.

Mads lets go of Ollie so he can push through the front
gate. He knocks.

A moment. Then movement behind the pane. Then somebody
answers. HANNAH, older now with enough highlights to
shade grey roots. She simply stares back at her SON.

Mads provides a meek wave.


INT. HANNAH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

A small space in a small house. A spoon circles in a
steaming hot coffee. Ollie picks the coffee up and sips
it. Then puts it back down--

Revealing Hannah across the room. She’s climbing the
walls she’s so far away.

OLLIE
Was the send off good? I had some
words.




(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:

HANNAH
No doubt you’re going to tell me
what flowers she should have had.

OLLIE
I would have chosen good flowers.

HANNAH
You need to leave. Especially with
your face like that. Now you’ve
shown your face, what do you think
is going to happen? How long do
you think you have?

Ollie dabs his scarred face. He massages his jaw, jagged
teeth showing.

OLLIE
I’ll dig her up.

HANNAH
You’d like that. She suffered
because of you. Never put in a
home, ne-

OLLIE
I wasn’t here.

HANNAH
No. No, you weren’t. You be
careful how you speak to me. You
be careful what you say. I let you
turn up and clean yourself up for
today. Today only. Then I’ll make
the call.

OLLIE
That’s fine.

INSERT: BARTLEY in the field. He peers into the gutted
caravan.

OLLIE
What if that was you?

Hannah approaches Ollie. She takes his injured hand.
Surveys the damage.

HANNAH
You have no opinions now.

OLLIE
You’re lucky you’re not dependent
on me.


(CONTINUED)
82.
CONTINUED: (2)

HANNAH
She should have been in a home a
long time before she died, I
accept that. Proper care. I didn’t
have time to care for her.

OLLIE
You make time. She’s not here now
because of you.
(beat)
I’ve come home. I’m here like I
promised her.

Hannah takes a cleansing wipe and soothes Ollie’s hand.

OLLIE
She could have gone to a private
home.

HANNAH
With what money?! She was only
ever going to go to a shithole we
could afford. The type of place
you see those specials about where
the nurses abuse the patients.

OLLIE
I could have found us money.

HANNAH
And look how everything went.

OLLIE
At least I tried.

HANNAH
She was my mother an--

OLLIE
And mine.
(beat)
You were gone. Two years you were
gone. She is mine as much as she
is yours. More than you are.
Without her, who knows where we
would of ended up.

HANNAH
Like mother, like son.

OLLIE
Now I’m here proving you wrong.

Ollie taking a sip of coffee. And a breath.


(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED: (3)

OLLIE
You didn’t love her like I did.

HANNAH
Do you know how hard it is to help
somebody you don’t even recognise?
Who doesn’t recognise you back?
What if that really was me? How
would you feel if the one person
who was there for you your entire
life, helping you through tough
times, and there was a lot of
them, what if they just left?

OLLIE
I’ll never know because you ain’t
it. You never will be--

HANNAH
It destroyed you, too. The only
difference was you went and got
stupid and paid a price you were
never ready for.
(beat)
The person I turned to is not
there, and they certainly won’t be
coming back.
(beat)
And it’s just me now.

Ollie attempts to flex his injured hand. A large scabbed
over gash.

OLLIE
Life is cruel.

HANNAH
You’re cruel.

OLLIE
And whose fault is that?

We see Mads waiting nervously to one side.

MADS
She seems nice.

OLLIE
She’s the best of a bad bunch.

MADS
Well, that’s something.




(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED: (4)

HANNAH
Who are you talking to?

Then we see the room is only populated with Ollie and
Hannah. Mads is nowhere to be seen. Vanished from thin
air.

OLLIE
What?

HANNAH
Even after all this time...

Ollie darts his eyes to the pictures of Ollie and Hannah.
Smiles, laughing, happy places.

Ollie catches a glimpse of one of these photographs and
shuts his eyes, sickening.

HANNAH
They already came. They knew you
wouldn’t be here, but...
(beat)
Here you are. They’ll be back.

Ollie takes Hannah in, long and hard. His MOTHER. Ollie
sits on the sofa arm opposite. He slides down onto the
sofa and pulls himself along, further from Hannah.

HANNAH
I’m glad I saw you again.

OLLIE
I need you to tell me where dad
lives. I’m going to find him and
let him know I’m sorry. It’s the
right thing to do.

HANNAH
I can’t do that.

OLLIE
Where is he?

HANNAH
I can’t tell you.

OLLIE
Or won’t?

HANNAH
You almost killed him.




(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED: (5)

OLLIE
You know it wasn’t meant for him.
We’ve been through this an-

Hannah shuffles over and pecks Ollie’s temple. A quiet
moment as Ollie keeps his eyes off his mother.

HANNAH
They’ll be here soon. They’ll come
and look again. You can’t just
walk around here.

OLLIE
Please.

HANNAH
I can’t help you.

OLLIE
Yes you can.

HANNAH
I don’t have that information-

OLLIE
I just want to say sorry.

HANNAH
You’ll never be able to do that.
They could say I aided you if they
find you here.

OLLIE
I’m asking for a goodbye.

Hannah’s face pales, consumed with emotion. Her eyes have
fallen on Ollie’s hands. Covered in DRY BLOOD.

OLLIE
I know you're lying, you know
where he is. Where’s my fa-

Hannah rises with purpose.

HANNAH
I can’t save you anymore. I can’t
hide you here. Even if you did
find him, then what?
(beat)
I knew nothing would break my
heart as hard as you.

Ollie turns his head, initiating eye contact.



(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED: (6)

HANNAH
I can’t tell you.

Ollie deteriorates in front of us. The rage hits, his
face turning a deep red as he--

EXPLODES!

Ollie races to the fireplace, grabbing a photo and
LAUNCHING IT ACROSS THE ROOM, SHATTERING more
photographs.

OLLIE
Fuck you!

HANNAH
Stop! What are you doing? Stop!

Ollie’s not listening, moving to every photo frame. He
swings his fist through decorations, a lamp, books on a
shelf.

OLLIE
Fuck everybody!

HANNAH
Please, please, please, please.

He moves towards the last photo, picks it up and turns
towards Hannah. A picture of the two of them at Ollie’s
8th birthday party.

Ollie pauses, a death grip of a stare. Hatred.

Ollie STRIKES the coffee off of the side table, SMASHING
against the cupboards.

OLLIE
Fuck everything.

HANNAH
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please,
I’m sorry. I’m so sor--

Hannah peers up, dreading more abuse, but Ollie has gone.
The door to upstairs swings open.

Hannah surveys her surroundings as we PULL AWAY to reveal
the devastation. The memories that are shattered on the
floor.

Hannah curls up on the sofa, head in her lap. She starts
to rock herself.



(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED: (7)

THEN:

Ollie is in front of her again. Crying. The kindness is
back, the humanity.

He starts to clean up, picking up every frame and shard
of glass.

CUT TO:


OLLIE

Hannah is holding his gaze, still standing in the middle
of the room. Tears have balled in his eyes. His eyes dart
around the room. Neat and tidy, the room untouched.

OLLIE
What’s going on?

Hannah takes a moment to look at her son. A lost soul.

HANNAH
Where are you?

Ollie moves his gaze to the various photo frames. They
still hold memories. His phase is over, the home safe.

HANNAH
I love you. I want you to know
that.

OLLIE
I love you too.

HANNAH
Hand yourself in, I’ll be waiting.

Ollie raises his gaze back to Hannah. The tears begin to
form.

OLLIE
Not this time.

HANNAH
It’ll only be a few more years.

OLLIE
Remember I told you about the guy
that robbed Nan?

HANNAH
Yeah. He was in prison with you?



(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
I killed him a few hours ago.

Hannah descends into her sofa. Her son a stranger.

OLLIE
An address.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, covered in blood, visits his mother Hannah, confessing to killing a man. Hannah, terrified, refuses to tell him where his father is, fearing for his safety. Ollie's rage erupts, destroying the home, but he later calms down and cleans up the mess. He reveals he killed a man in prison and asks for an address. Hannah, devastated, is left uncertain of Ollie's intentions and whereabouts.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Raw and authentic dialogue
  • Deep emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potential for the scene to become overly melodramatic if not handled carefully

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and full of tension. The dialogue is impactful, and the conflict between the characters is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a son confronting his mother after a traumatic event and the revelation of a dark secret is compelling and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense emotional confrontation between the characters and the revelation of past events, leading to a climax of shattered memories.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its exploration of complex family dynamics, moral dilemmas, and emotional conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are raw and authentic. The dynamic between the son and mother is central to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The son undergoes a significant emotional transformation, confronting his past and his mother, leading to a cathartic release.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to seek forgiveness and closure for past mistakes and regrets, particularly in relation to his family and his mother. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and reconciliation.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to find his father and apologize for his actions, reflecting the immediate challenge of seeking resolution and closure in his relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the son and mother is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, moral dilemmas, and unresolved conflicts creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the son confronts his mother and reveals a dark secret, leading to a potential breaking point in their relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene reveals important backstory and deepens the emotional conflict between the characters, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between forgiveness and accountability, as Ollie grapples with his past actions and their consequences, while his mother struggles with her own guilt and resentment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, with raw emotions, intense confrontations, and deep revelations.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is powerful, emotional, and reveals deep-seated emotions and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, moral dilemmas, and complex character relationships. The dialogue and actions draw the audience in and create a sense of suspense and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels somewhat disjointed and confusing. There are multiple shifts in tone and focus, making it difficult to follow the central conflict. For instance, the initial violence against Benny abruptly shifts to a quieter moment with Ollie and Mads, and then back to a heated confrontation between Ollie and Hannah.
  • The dialogue often feels stilted and unnatural. It often feels more like exposition than real conversation. The characters seem to be stating their points rather than interacting organically.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective. It's not entirely clear what Ollie wants to achieve by visiting Hannah. Is he seeking forgiveness, understanding, or simply an address? The lack of a clear objective leaves the scene feeling aimless and unresolved.
  • The emotional tension is not fully realized. While the scene attempts to evoke strong emotions, it doesn't quite succeed. The dialogue often feels too direct and less subtle, preventing the audience from fully connecting with Ollie's internal turmoil.
  • The use of flashbacks and the sudden disappearance of Mads feels unnecessary and disruptive to the scene's flow. These elements break the pacing and detract from the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The scene lacks visual imagery and descriptions. It relies heavily on dialogue to convey information, leaving the reader with a limited understanding of the setting and atmosphere.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. The audience is left with a sense of confusion about Ollie's next move and Hannah's reaction to his confession. The sudden shift to the clean house further amplifies the sense of disorientation.
  • The scene also suffers from a lack of subtlety. It often relies on heavy-handed dialogue and actions to convey the characters' emotions, sacrificing nuance and complexity.
Suggestions
  • Rework the scene's structure to create a clearer and more focused narrative arc. Choose a central conflict and focus on developing it throughout the scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and engaging. Allow the characters to interact with each other organically, instead of simply stating their points.
  • Establish a clear objective for Ollie in this scene. What does he hope to achieve by visiting Hannah? This will help to create a more focused and compelling narrative.
  • Develop the emotional tension in the scene more subtly. Use subtext, body language, and visual imagery to convey the characters' emotions rather than relying solely on direct dialogue.
  • Consider removing the flashbacks and the sudden disappearance of Mads. These elements disrupt the scene's flow and detract from its emotional impact.
  • Add more visual imagery and descriptions to create a richer and more immersive experience for the reader. Describe the setting, the characters' actions, and the overall atmosphere in more detail.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene. Leave the audience with a sense of closure and a better understanding of Ollie's emotional state and his next move.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and nuanced. Allow the characters to express their emotions through subtext and indirect language.



Scene 39 -  Haunted Threshold
EXT. DETACHED HOUSE - DAY

A different street with large detached houses. Front
gardens with depth, leading to a dream.

Then-- Ollie waiting at the end of the driveway. Alone.

He takes a moment to monitor the front of this building.


INT. HANNAH’S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Hannah dials three numbers on her mobile.

HANNAH (INTO MOBILE)
Hello.
(beat)
I would like to report some
information regarding a case. I
have a reference number.


EXT. DETACHED HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Ollie approaches the front door. He raises his hand to
knock, hesitates.

THEN:

His fist lands. A few SHARP KNOCKS. The door opens almost
instantly. And before us is OLLIE’S FATHER, STEVEN, 50. A
moment of father staring at son.

Steven catches his breath. Looks at this stranger in
fear. In terror, his eyes wide. The space between them is
eternal, widening as Steven waits for his own flesh and
blood to make the first move.

Steven takes a few more SHALLOW BREATHS, a grown man
quivering.

INSERT: Steven is BEATEN TO A PULP, bruised. His nose and
eyes covered in blood, driping thick down his front.

LOOKING UP AT THE NIGHT SKY. Ollie leering over him.


(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED:

A hand reaches out to Ollie as he is dragged away from
the assault. MADS. She takes Ollie’s hand and leads him
away from danger.

THEN:

We are back to OLLIE’S FIST. Hesitating to knock, Ollie
waits some more. Until his eyes are taken back from the
door to the front window, where a SMALL BOY, 3, looks
back at Ollie. Watching him through the pane.

Ollie watches the young boy. The boy from the new family
his father has. Ollie waves. The boy just watches, then
runs further back inside.

MADS’ VOICE
We should go.

Ollie turns to Mads. She waits a few steps behind him,
then she approaches and wraps her arms around his waist,
takes his hand. She fills in the blanks between his
fingers with hers.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, burdened by a past of violence with his father, Steven, stands before his father's house. Steven, visibly injured and terrified, answers the door, highlighting the deep rift between them. While Hannah, inside, discusses a case on the phone, Ollie hesitates before confronting Steven. Memories of a past assault by Mads flash, adding to Ollie's anxiety. Seeing a young boy, likely Steven's new family, watching from inside, Ollie attempts connection, only to be met with withdrawal. Mads urges Ollie to leave, offering comfort and support as they depart, leaving the conflict and its ramifications unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing past traumas
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence may be too intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with intense moments of confrontation and revelation that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics, past traumas, and unresolved conflicts is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelations about Ollie's family and the potential confrontation with his father, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family dynamics and forgiveness, with a focus on the internal struggles of the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, especially Ollie, his father, and Mads.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie experiences a significant emotional and psychological shift in this scene, as he confronts his past and his father, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal in this scene is to confront his father and possibly seek closure or resolution to their strained relationship. This reflects his deeper need for validation, acceptance, or understanding from his father.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal in this scene is to confront his father about a past incident or seek justice for a crime. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with his father's actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ollie and his father, as well as the internal conflicts within Ollie himself, create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ollie facing resistance from his father and internal conflict about how to proceed.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as Ollie confronts his father and faces the consequences of his actions, potentially leading to significant changes in his life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Ollie's past and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between forgiveness and revenge. Ollie must decide whether to seek revenge for his father's actions or forgive him and move on. This challenges his beliefs about justice and redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, shock, and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and suspense created by the characters' interactions and the unresolved conflict between Ollie and his father.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene is somewhat confusing and lacks clarity in its structure. The constant shifts in time and perspective make it hard to follow. The scene begins by establishing a seemingly mundane setting: Ollie waiting at a house. It then switches to the interior of the house, where Hannah is on the phone. This shift is jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The scene then shifts back to the exterior, showing Ollie knocking on the door. However, it immediately jumps to a flashback of a violent assault, which is then followed by a return to the present. The jumps in time and perspective make it difficult to grasp the overall context of the scene.
  • The flashbacks in the scene are not effectively used. The flashback of the assault lacks visual storytelling and doesn't effectively convey the emotional impact of the event. The scene then immediately returns to Ollie at the door, leaving the flashback feeling incomplete and disconnected. The second flashback, of a young boy watching Ollie, doesn't provide any significant information or insight and feels like an unnecessary distraction.
  • The scene needs more dialogue to establish the characters' motivations and relationships. The only dialogue comes from Mads, who simply urges Ollie to leave. There is no dialogue between Ollie and his father, which is a missed opportunity to develop their complex and fraught relationship.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt. Ollie and Mads simply leave the house without any resolution or closure. The scene leaves the audience with unanswered questions about the significance of this encounter and its impact on the characters' future.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. It feels rushed in some sections and slow in others. The constant shifts in time and perspective create a disjointed rhythm.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the structure of the scene. Focus on the present moment of Ollie knocking on his father's door. Remove the flashbacks and focus on the real-time interaction between Ollie and his father.
  • Develop the dialogue between Ollie and his father. Explore the emotional turmoil they both face. Let their conversation reveal their history, their regrets, and their fear.
  • Use visual storytelling to create a more compelling narrative. Instead of just showing the aftermath of the assault, use visual cues to show how the assault happened, how Ollie felt during the event, and its lasting impact on his father.
  • Add more physical details to the scene to make it more immersive. Describe the house, the surroundings, and the characters' expressions in more detail to engage the reader's senses.
  • End the scene with a clear and impactful resolution. Let the audience know the outcome of Ollie's encounter with his father. This could be a confrontation, a conversation, a decision, or a new understanding.
  • Rework the scene's pacing. Find a more balanced rhythm by using a consistent tempo and avoiding abrupt shifts in time or perspective.



Scene 40 -  Sunset Justice
EXT. PARK - DAY

A small stretch of green in the middle of a council
estate. TWO 10YR OLD BOYS cycle up to the park swings,
dismount their bikes, and begin to play.

Behind the boys, across the park and up to the brow of
the hill we find Ollie perched on a lonely bench. He
clicks his bloodied knuckles. Then stretches his arms
over the back of the bench, resting up.

Ollie BREATHING IN CLEAR AIR.

And Mads entering frame, taking her place next to Ollie.
Ollie hands Mads a refreshing bottle of beer. They sit in
silence, sipping the alcohol, overlooking the sunset.

MADS
Did it feel good to find him?

OLLIE
No.

Mads takes another sip.

MADS
What now?

OLLIE
We wait.


(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:

MADS
For?

OLLIE
Everybody.

Mads and Ollie watch the sun set over this non-descript
town.

MADS
What you gonna tell them?

OLLIE
The truth.

MADS
That’s a good idea.

Quiet in the sunset.

MADS
Why him?

OLLIE
Irish?
(beat, Ollie shrugs)
Fate.

MADS
Really?

Ollie takes a swig.

OLLIE
It wasn’t chance we ended up in
that field. I knew they would be
there, I knew the fair would be
there. It’s an annual thing, same
time every year.
(beat, Ollie sips his
beer)
Last time they came to town one of
the places they went was my nana’s
place, robbed her of twenty quid.
That was all they took. She didn’t
answer the door because we used to
tell her not to, but they broke
in. Ransacked everything while an
old lady watched her life being
torn apart in her own home. She
had Alzheimer's, so she forgot
what they looked like when the
police asked for a statement.



(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED: (2)

MADS
How do you know it was him then?

OLLIE
When you’re angry you do stupid
things. I was annoyed I didn’t
look after her, that I allowed it
to happen. So I went out and beat
the first guy who got in my way or
looked at me funny. You know this
part. The first guy that caught my
eye was Steve. That’s what I went
away for. And when I’m inside I
overhear a young kid in the
canteen. He’s blowing his own
trumpet telling guys how tough he
is, how his dad’s ‘gypsy king’ and
that he’s only doing a few months
for drug offences. Then he tells
them a story about an old woman he
robbed, and how this woman pissed
herself she was so scared.
(beat)
He was released before I could do
anything, but I would never have
been able to kill him in there
anyway.
(beat)
I found out who he ran with when
he was released. Found out who he
was on the outside. Found him and
his carnival.

MADS
What did it feel like?

OLLIE
Awful.

MADS
I would love to have the courage
to kill someone.

OLLIE
No you wouldn’t.
(beat)
What are we going to do back
inside?

MADS
Whatever.




(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED: (3)

OLLIE
Dream a little longer. My oragami
is getting better.

MADS
What will you dream of?

OLLIE
Everything.

MADS
Me too.

OLLIE
You told me about a dream you had
once, about a horse. This horse
was on fire, but it wasn’t dead?

MADS
It was running, and it wouldn’t
stop. But it was on fire. Like a
ghost. No matter what I did, the
horse ran. I could never catch it.
(beat)
I wanted to be like the horse.
Even if I was on fire, I would
make it out.

Ollie and Mads clink their beers together.

OLLIE
Beautiful.

Below Ollie and Mads, the swings are empty. The bicycles
sit nearby, abandoned.

MADS
Everybody has their thing.

OLLIE
What’s my thing?

Time for Mads to think.

MADS
Heart. You’re not a bad person.
You just pretend to be.

Ollie and Mads sit in silent melancholy as, from every
angle, the world moves in SLOW MOTION. POLICE appear,
guns raised. Several UNITS roll up the hill, BACKUP
OFFICERS. DOG UNITS.




(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED: (4)

The ARMED OFFICERS in the INCIDENT RESPONSE UNIT close
in, close to THIRTY of them.

Ollie and Mads focus past the approaching men in their
black outfits, instead watching the sunset disappear
beyond the horizon.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, haunted by his grandmother's robbery, reveals to Mads that he tracked down and killed the perpetrator. He justifies his actions, feeling a sense of destiny and inevitability. Mads listens intently, wrestling with her own desire for similar vengeance. The scene, bathed in the fading light of the sunset, is punctuated by the growing presence of the police, hinting at a potential confrontation and the unraveling of Ollie's act of justice.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the characters' past actions and motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends character development, tension, and impending conflict, creating a compelling and emotionally resonant moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of reflecting on past actions and motivations while facing imminent danger is intriguing and adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the characters' conversation and the arrival of the police, setting up a high-stakes situation and hinting at future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to themes of revenge and justice, with complex character motivations and authentic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ollie and Mads are complex and well-developed, with their dialogue revealing their inner struggles, regrets, and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ollie and Mads experience internal growth and reflection during the scene, leading to potential changes in their future actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 9

Ollie's internal goal is to seek justice for his grandmother and to confront his own feelings of guilt and anger. This reflects his deeper need for closure and redemption.

External Goal: 8

Ollie's external goal is to face the consequences of his actions and to deal with the imminent threat of the police. This reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their past actions and the impending danger, creating tension and emotional stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the looming threat of the police creating a sense of danger and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how Ollie and Mads will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established by the imminent arrival of armed officers, adding urgency and danger to the characters' reflective conversation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' arcs, introducing tension and conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and actions. The audience is kept on edge by the looming threat of the police and the characters' ambiguous intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of revenge, justice, and morality. Ollie's actions challenge traditional notions of right and wrong, and his conversation with Mads raises questions about the nature of courage and redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' introspection, regrets, and the looming threat of the police, creating a poignant and impactful moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is introspective, emotional, and realistic, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, tense atmosphere, and complex character dynamics. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and create a sense of anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection, and maintaining a sense of urgency as the police close in.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a nice visual - Ollie clicking his bloodied knuckles, but the dialogue is a bit clunky. The line 'Did it feel good to find him?' is a little too obvious. The back and forth between Ollie and Mads feels unnatural and they don't seem to connect in this scene. It lacks the tension you've built up in previous scenes and feels more like an exposition dump than a dynamic conversation.
  • Ollie's explanation of the robbery feels too long and detailed. It's more of a storytelling monologue than a natural conversation between two people. It's also a little too much information about the plot for this late in the story. The audience should be able to infer the motive without being told every detail.
  • The line 'I would love to have the courage to kill someone.' is a jarring statement coming from Mads. It feels out of character and a little gratuitous. The scene feels a little too on the nose, especially with the ending. It’s predictable, and the slow-motion scene is a cliche.
  • The final scene feels a bit too ‘deus ex machina’. The police suddenly appear out of nowhere, which feels contrived. It’s not clear what the motivation is for the police to be there. The audience already knows that Ollie is going to be caught, so the scene doesn’t raise any stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider using more visual cues and subtext to convey the emotions of the characters. Instead of having Ollie say 'No' to the question 'Did it feel good to find him?', show Ollie's reaction through his body language. He could look away, take a long drag on his cigarette, or clench his jaw. The reader can infer the emotion without being told.
  • Find ways to organically weave the backstory into the conversation. Instead of telling Mads how he found the man, maybe show Ollie looking up at the sky, remembering the events of the robbery. Mads could ask him what he's thinking. The audience can understand the emotional impact of the robbery without having to be told everything.
  • Instead of having Mads say she would love to kill someone, give her a more ambiguous reaction. She could look at Ollie with a mixture of fear and curiosity, or say something like 'What did it feel like?' with a more nuanced tone. This will make her character more mysterious and intriguing.
  • Try to create more tension in the scene. Maybe Ollie and Mads are discussing their escape plan, or perhaps they are having a disagreement about whether to turn themselves in. The tension should build slowly and gradually, culminating in a powerful climax.



Scene 41 -  Back in the Cage
INT. PRISON - DAY

Ollie is marched down a corridor, dressed in prison
uniform, cuffed at the wrists. He has a patrol of TWO
ARMED OFFICERS and a PRISON OFFICER monitoring his every
move, shadowing his steps.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
We start with some breaking news
this evening. A convicted violent
criminal, who was considered
dangerous to approach, has been
recaptured and returned to prison.

Ollie is halted outside thick steel doors. The Prison
Officer takes his keys and unlocks the doors. Ollie
enters his cell.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
Oliver Howard has been re-arrested
and safely processed. The extent
of the prison escape is as yet
unknown, police remaining tight
lipped about details as the
investigation is ongoing as to
just how this violent criminal
managed to escape a high security
prison.

Ollie takes a seat in his cell. The Prison Officer goes
to close the door:

OLLIE
You need to look into a guy by the
name of Benny. Gypsy, served time.
He’s dead now. His dad, Bartley,
will probably have reported his
death.

The Prison Officer lingers. Shuts the doors. Opens the
hatch.

PRISON OFFICER
Why are you telling me this?




(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:

OLLIE
Makes it easier for you.

PRISON OFFICER
Did you kill him?

OLLIE
See if you can prove it.

The hatch is slid shut. Ollie sits alone.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
The Home Secretary has promised a
full inquiry into the matter. More
to follow on this extraordinary
story.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie, a convicted criminal, is returned to his prison cell under heavy guard after escaping. Despite being apprehended, Ollie remains defiant, taunting the prison officer with cryptic remarks about a dead man named Benny and suggesting his father might have reported the death. He implies he may be responsible for Benny's demise, challenging the officer to prove his involvement, leaving a lingering sense of unease and unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • High stakes
  • Revealing character development
  • Tense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution in the immediate aftermath

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and significant character development. It sets the stage for further conflict and resolution.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a convicted criminal confessing to a murder in prison adds depth to the storyline and raises the tension and stakes significantly.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with Ollie's confession leading to potential repercussions and further developments in the narrative. It propels the story forward and increases the conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the prison setting by focusing on manipulation and power dynamics, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ollie, are well-developed and show complexity in their actions and motivations. The scene reveals Ollie's inner turmoil and the consequences of his past actions.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant change by confessing to a murder, showing growth and facing the consequences of his actions. This adds depth to his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Ollie's internal goal is to manipulate the situation to his advantage by providing information about a potential crime while maintaining a sense of power and control.

External Goal: 7

Ollie's external goal is to potentially shift suspicion away from himself by implicating someone else in a crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Ollie's confession leading to potential danger and further complications in the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Prison Officer challenging Ollie's motives and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Ollie's confession potentially leading to dangerous consequences and impacting the lives of the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and developments that will shape the narrative moving forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and Ollie's manipulative behavior.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of Ollie's actions and the power dynamics within the prison system. It challenges Ollie's beliefs about manipulation and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, with themes of guilt, fear, and tension running throughout. It leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing crucial information and showcasing the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the mystery surrounding Ollie's actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense prison drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit static and predictable. The dialogue is functional but lacks tension or intrigue. The news anchor's voice-over is an unnecessary and distracting device.
  • The scene's primary purpose seems to be to establish Ollie's return to prison and his defiance towards authority, but this is done in a rather blunt manner. The interaction with the prison officer is brief and lacks any sense of conflict or development.
  • The inclusion of the news anchor's voice-over feels more like an exposition dump than a natural part of the scene. It provides information the audience likely already understands, creating a sense of redundancy.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or objective beyond simply showing Ollie back in prison. It feels like a placeholder scene that doesn't contribute significantly to the overall narrative.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. The dialogue-heavy format lacks any visual elements that might help to build tension or establish a sense of atmosphere.
  • Ollie's threat to the prison officer feels more like a cliché than a genuine moment of conflict. It doesn't give us any real insight into his character or motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the news anchor's voice-over entirely. It doesn't add anything meaningful to the scene and feels intrusive.
  • Focus on visual storytelling instead of relying solely on dialogue. Explore Ollie's emotional state through his facial expressions, body language, and interactions with the environment.
  • Create a more dynamic and engaging interaction between Ollie and the prison officer. Consider adding a moment of physical tension or a subtle psychological game between them.
  • Explore the theme of power dynamics within the prison setting. How does Ollie react to his loss of freedom? How does he assert his power in this new environment?
  • Consider adding a flashback scene to Ollie's escape, building tension and giving the audience a glimpse into his journey leading to his return to prison.
  • Instead of simply stating that Benny is dead, consider showing Ollie's reaction to the news. How does this information impact him emotionally? Does it affect his future plans?



Scene 42 -  Reunion and Warning
INT. OLLIE’S CELL - LATER

Ollie is in darkness, then some lights flick on. Ollie
takes a moment, then slouches on his bed.

The smile on his face spreads wide.

MADS approaches the bed from the corner of the cell. He
cuddles Mads in. He holds her in his arms, placing his
fingers through her hair. She smiles back.

MADS
Hey.


EXT. PRISON CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

MOVING ALONG the cell doors. The middle door service
hatch opens.

A hand places a small origami horse on the platform.

Then the horse CATCHES FIRE, burning lightly.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

END.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ollie is reunited with Mads in his prison cell, sharing a tender moment of intimacy. However, the scene cuts to a shot of a burning origami horse outside the cell door, introducing a note of suspense and leaving the audience wondering about the threat it signifies.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • Innovative use of symbolism
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Complexity of themes may require careful handling

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a strong emotional resonance, intense conflict, and a significant plot development. The unique visual element of the burning origami horse adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using an origami horse as a symbolic element to convey themes of destruction and transformation is innovative and adds a layer of depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with significant developments such as Ollie's return to prison, his confession to Mads, and the revelation of his violent past.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of darkness and light, confinement and freedom, creating a sense of tension and mystery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ollie and Mads, are well-developed and their emotional journey adds depth to the scene. Ollie's inner turmoil and Mads' reaction to his confession are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Ollie undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, confronting his past actions and seeking redemption. Mads also experiences a shift in her perception of Ollie, adding complexity to their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and comfort in the midst of his confinement. This reflects his deeper need for connection and emotional support, as well as his fear of loneliness and despair.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it may involve surviving the challenges of prison life and finding moments of joy and beauty in unexpected places.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving internal struggles, past traumas, and external threats. The tension between characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges both internal and external. The burning origami horse symbolizes the conflict between hope and despair, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Ollie facing the consequences of his violent past, his relationship with Mads at a turning point, and the threat of further conflict and danger looming.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with key revelations about Ollie's past, his relationship with Mads, and the consequences of his actions. The narrative takes a dramatic turn with Ollie's return to prison.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift in tone and imagery, from darkness and confinement to light and beauty. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the darkness and confinement of the prison cell and the moments of light and beauty represented by the origami horse catching fire. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about hope and despair, and the possibility of finding beauty in unexpected places.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, with themes of guilt, redemption, and violence resonating deeply. The characters' emotional journey is compelling and relatable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and emotional, effectively conveying the characters' inner struggles and conflicts. The tension between Ollie and Mads is palpable in their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its atmospheric descriptions, mysterious imagery, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's world and struggles, creating a sense of tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual buildup to the climactic moment of the origami horse catching fire. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The use of visual cues like 'SMASH CUT TO BLACK' enhances the pacing and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The use of a smash cut to black adds a dramatic and unexpected ending.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional weight. The quick transition from Ollie's joyful smile to Mads's arrival feels jarring and doesn't allow for a proper build-up of their reunion.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. 'Hey' feels like a missed opportunity to capture the complexity of their emotions after being reunited.
  • The external shot of the prison corridor and the origami horse catching fire feels like an abrupt and jarring shift in tone and perspective. It disrupts the intimacy of the scene between Ollie and Mads.
  • The scene doesn't offer any closure or resolution. The abrupt smash cut to black leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The origami horse catching fire feels symbolic, but its meaning is unclear and lacks a connection to the rest of the scene.
  • The scene feels like an afterthought and lacks the dramatic impact that would be expected from the final scene of a screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene by focusing on the emotional impact of Ollie and Mads's reunion. Show their joy, relief, and perhaps even a hint of fear or uncertainty.
  • Develop the dialogue between Ollie and Mads to reflect the depth of their relationship and the events they've been through. Allow them to express their emotions and fears.
  • Consider using a more subtle visual transition to the prison corridor, perhaps a slow fade out from Ollie and Mads to a distant shot of the prison exterior.
  • Explore the symbolism of the origami horse catching fire in a more meaningful way. Connect it to previous events or themes in the story.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more satisfying note, perhaps with a final shot of Ollie and Mads holding each other, or a close-up of their intertwined hands. Perhaps Ollie is holding the origami horse.
  • Refine the pacing of the scene to create a more satisfying build-up and resolution. Consider adding more visual detail and dialogue to enhance the emotional impact of the reunion.