Read Marshall's Law - Ep Six with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Desperation in the Snow
EXT. THE WORK HOUSE, BRIGHTON, SUSSEX - NIGHT

The Gas lamps light up the snow strewn streets as the
whiteout continues in this quiet seaside town.


INT. BRIGHTON WORK HOUSE - NIGHT

The workhouse Matron, MICHELLE JOHNSON (52) is wrapping a
second blanket around the shoulders of SABINA TILLEY (19) who
places two infant children into a picnic basket.

MATRON JOHNSON
We have no choice, Sabina. There is
no more room. You have to leave.

Sabina is crying but is stoic.

SABINA TILLEY
My babies will die if you put me
out in this storm.

The Matron hands Sabina a shoebox with her name on it and her
meagre possessions inside.

MATRON JOHNSON
Go to the train station. The
station master keeps a fire lit all
night in the waiting room.


EXT. BRIGHTON TRAIN STATION, WAITING ROOM - NIGHT

Sabina Tilley walks slowly through the snowstorm carrying her
infant daughters inside the basket.

She walks indoors out of the blizzard only to see dozens of
other homeless people trying to get warmth from the blazing
fire in the grate of the waiting room.

SABINA TILLEY
Please, my babies are freezing. Can
I get a warm, please?

The group is unsympathetic.

BEARDED MAN
You should have got here earlier.


EXT. BRIGHTON TRAIN STATION, PLATFORM ONE - NIGHT

Sabina walks onto the platform to look for refuge.

She tries many train carriage doors on the platform side but
they are locked.
2.


EXT. BRIGHTON TRAIN STATION, FOOTBRIDGE - NIGHT

Sabina walks through the virgin snow across a footbridge. On
the other side three carriages, one has the glow of a lamp or
maybe, just maybe, a fire.


EXT. BRIGHTON TRAIN STATION, PLATFORM THREE - NIGHT

Sabina struggles towards the carriage with the glow.

The door of a GUARDS CARRIAGE opens and Sabina goes inside.
She collapses onto the bench seat getting as close as she can
to the remnants of a fire in the grate before passing out.


EXT. BRIGHTON TO LONDON TRAIN - DAY

Accompanied by a screaming whistle and the clatter of wheels
on the track, a passenger train emerges from a tunnel into
the winter wonderland of the Sussex countryside.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In a snow-covered Brighton, Matron Johnson informs Sabina Tilley that she must leave the workhouse due to overcrowding, despite her desperate pleas to stay for her infant daughters. Given only a shoebox of belongings, Sabina faces the harsh winter at the train station, where she encounters unsympathetic homeless individuals. Struggling through the snow, she eventually finds a guards carriage with a faint glow, where she collapses near the remnants of a fire, exhausted and near unconsciousness.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling characters
  • Vivid imagery
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a sense of desperation and hardship, drawing the audience in with its emotional impact and vivid imagery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking refuge during a snowstorm in a historical setting is compelling and sets the stage for exploring themes of survival and resilience.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and drives the narrative forward as Sabina struggles to find shelter for her and her children amidst the harsh conditions.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of homelessness and survival in a historical context, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel true to the characters' circumstances.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and evoke empathy from the audience, particularly Sabina who demonstrates strength and determination in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 8

Sabina undergoes a significant change as she transitions from desperation to determination in her quest for shelter, showcasing her resilience.

Internal Goal: 9

Sabina's internal goal is to protect her infant children and keep them warm and safe in the midst of being homeless and facing eviction from the workhouse. This reflects her deeper need for security, love, and protection for her family.

External Goal: 8

Sabina's external goal is to find shelter and warmth for herself and her children after being evicted from the workhouse. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in surviving the snowstorm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Sabina's need for shelter and the lack of empathy from others creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sabina facing obstacles and unsympathetic characters that create conflict and challenge her goals, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of survival in a snowstorm add urgency and tension to the scene, raising the emotional impact for the audience.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the challenges and obstacles that the characters will face in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Sabina will find shelter for her children and what obstacles she will face in the snowstorm.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the lack of empathy and compassion from the other homeless people at the train station towards Sabina and her children. This challenges Sabina's belief in humanity and the kindness of strangers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene elicits a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in portraying the struggles of the characters in a dire situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the desperation and urgency of the situation, adding depth to the characters and their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of urgency and empathy for Sabina's plight, drawing the audience into her struggle to protect her children in a harsh winter environment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Sabina navigates the snowstorm and struggles to find shelter, keeping the audience engaged and invested in her journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dramatic and emotional moment in a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic and emotional moment in a screenplay, effectively building tension and conflict as Sabina struggles to find shelter for her children.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a bleak atmosphere, highlighting Sabina's desperation and the harsh realities of her situation. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by delving deeper into Sabina's internal conflict. Consider adding internal monologue or flashbacks that reveal her past and the bond with her children, which would heighten the stakes of her predicament.
  • The dialogue between Matron Johnson and Sabina feels somewhat expository. While it conveys the necessary information, it lacks emotional depth. Instead of simply stating the facts, consider incorporating more nuanced dialogue that reflects the Matron's own struggles or regrets about the situation, which could create a more complex dynamic between the characters.
  • The transition between locations is somewhat abrupt. The scene shifts from the workhouse to the train station without a clear sense of time or emotional continuity. Adding transitional moments that reflect Sabina's emotional state during her journey could create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • The portrayal of the homeless individuals at the train station comes off as one-dimensional. To avoid stereotypes, consider giving them distinct personalities or backstories that reflect their circumstances. This could create a more realistic and empathetic portrayal of the community, enhancing the overall emotional impact of the scene.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the snow and the gas lamps. However, consider using sensory details beyond sight to immerse the audience further. Describing sounds, smells, or even the coldness of the air could enhance the atmosphere and make the scene more vivid.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Sabina's internal thoughts or flashbacks to deepen her emotional connection to her children and her plight, making her desperation more palpable.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more emotional nuance, perhaps by showing Matron Johnson's conflicted feelings about having to send Sabina away, which could add depth to their interaction.
  • Add transitional moments that reflect Sabina's emotional state as she moves from the workhouse to the train station, perhaps through her physical sensations or thoughts.
  • Develop the homeless characters at the train station by giving them unique traits or backstories, which could foster empathy and create a more complex social environment.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing sounds, smells, and the physical sensations of the cold, which would create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 2 -  A Shocking Discovery
INT. BRIGHTON TO LONDON TRAIN CARRIAGE - DAY

A half-dressed, AMOROUS COUPLE makes out on the floor of the
train carriage.

AMOROUS MAN
What if someone sees us?

AMOROUS GIRL
The danger of being caught is what
turns me on the most.

As the girl stretches out her arms they go under the seat.

The train banks and a shoebox becomes dislodged. The lid
comes off.

AMOROUS MAN
Oh my Jesus, look at that.

The girl leaps up and sees that inside this little coffin are
the remains of two infants.

The man just makes it to the window before he vomits.


EXT. VICTORIA RAILWAY STATION PLATFORM - DAY

The train is at Victoria station.

The Amorous Couple speak to POLICE OFFICERS who remove the
shoe box coffin and question the couple.

TITLES AND MUSIC
3.


EXT. THAMES RIVER BANK - DAY

Abberline and Dr. Augustus Piper are supervising the removal
of a MALE BODY from the Thames.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Makes a bloody change to get a man.

DOCTOR PIPER
He has the same injuries as the
recent female river dump victims.

TWO CONSTABLES carry the cloth covered corpse to the Mortuary
Wagon when Sergeant Cunningham arrives.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
What time do you call this Sammy?

Cunningham holds his hands up.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Sorry boss. I had a late night.
What have we got?

DOCTOR PIPER
Undernourished Male, about sixteen,
throat cut and a crude attempt at
disembowelment. I will know more
when I get him on the slab.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
(to Cunningham)
Have a look at the throat wound.

Cunningham lifts the cloth and finds himself staring at the
harrowed face of a boy he only saw very recently.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
That is Dublin Jack. Male
prostitute. I handed him over to
Judas Fox who was to put him aboard
the Cormorant bound for France.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
They are cutting all ties back to
Somerset and Fleur de Lis.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
And His Royal Highness.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In a train carriage from Brighton to London, a couple's romantic moment is abruptly interrupted when they find a shoebox containing the remains of two infants. The man's shock leads him to vomit, while the girl's excitement turns to horror. After the discovery, they are questioned by police at Victoria Station, where the investigation into a male body found in the Thames unfolds, linking to a series of murders.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Strong thematic elements
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Graphic content may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the dark and suspenseful themes of the story, introducing intriguing elements that captivate the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a male body in the Thames with connections to male prostitution and a larger criminal network is compelling and sets the stage for further intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the discovery of the male body, adding layers of mystery and crime to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime investigation genre by incorporating elements of mystery, corruption, and betrayal. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham, show depth and complexity in their interactions, hinting at their involvement in a larger conspiracy.

Character Changes: 6

The characters' perspectives and relationships are subtly altered by the revelation of the male body, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the male body found in the Thames and to solve the mystery of the recent female river dump victims. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the male body found in the Thames and gather evidence to link it to the recent female river dump victims. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' personal motivations and the larger criminal network creates tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in uncovering the truth behind the male body and dealing with corrupt individuals.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of uncovering a male body connected to a criminal network raise the tension and keep the audience invested in the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing a new mystery and deepening the intrigue surrounding the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the male body in the Thames and the revelation of the male prostitute's identity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between justice and corruption. The protagonist is faced with the challenge of uncovering the truth in a world filled with deceit and betrayal.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The shocking discovery of the male body and the characters' reactions evoke a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and reveals crucial information about the characters and the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful tone, intriguing mystery, and well-developed characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building suspense throughout the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The emotional weight of Sabina's plight is starkly contrasted with the lightheartedness of the amorous couple, which may confuse the audience. A smoother transition could help maintain the emotional tone.
  • The dialogue between the amorous couple lacks depth and feels somewhat clichéd. While it serves to establish their characters, it doesn't add much to the overall narrative. Consider giving them more unique traits or backstory to make their interaction more engaging.
  • The discovery of the shoebox containing the remains of the infants is a shocking moment, but it could be enhanced by building up the tension leading to the reveal. The couple's initial flirtation could be interrupted by subtle hints of something being amiss, creating a more impactful moment when they discover the remains.
  • The visceral reaction of the man vomiting is a strong visual, but it could be more effectively portrayed. Instead of just stating he makes it to the window, consider describing his physical struggle to get there, which would heighten the horror of the discovery.
  • The scene shifts quickly from the train carriage to the police questioning at Victoria Station. This transition could benefit from a brief moment of reflection or reaction from the couple before they are thrust into the next scene, allowing the audience to process the shock of their discovery.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a shared look between the couple after the discovery, emphasizing the gravity of the situation before moving on to the police questioning.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the amorous couple to reflect their personalities more distinctly, perhaps by incorporating humor or a deeper emotional connection that contrasts with the horror they encounter.
  • Introduce a sensory element to the scene, such as the sounds of the train or the atmosphere in the carriage, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Explore the couple's backstory or motivations in a subtle way, perhaps through their dialogue or actions, to make their characters more relatable and their reaction to the discovery more impactful.
  • Consider using a visual motif or recurring element that ties the couple's initial carefree behavior to the tragic discovery, reinforcing the theme of innocence lost in the face of horror.



Scene 3 -  Breakfast Briefing: Legal Strategies and Self-Defense
EXT. THE GEORGE - DAY

Marshall and Arthur Newton are eating breakfast on the
terrace as Lilly and Xing arrive.

Xing puts down her camera as the WAITER takes an order.
4.


MARSHALL
Lilly are you with us today at the
Bailey?

LILLY FORTUNE
No such luck. We are on crime scene
duty in Whitechapel.

ARTHUR NEWTON
This is the one you lot are calling
Jack the Ripper?

LILLY FORTUNE
With good reason. He butchered two
more girls last night.

MARSHALL
Conan Doyle is asking friends to
join his “Crime Club” to
investigate unsolved murders.

LILLY FORTUNE
Are you two defending the girl in
the Police murder trial?

Arthur is mid-sausage and egg and can’t get his words out.

MARSHALL
Yes, she was kidnapped, raped and
he attempted to murder her. Sadly
for him, he left her for dead.....

ARTHUR NEWTON
...but she survived and our client
fought back like a lioness.

MARSHALL
The policeman died of his wounds
and she is charged with his murder.

XING FU/LILLY
(Lilly reads sign)
Automatic hanging if found guilty.
And what is your strategy?

ARTHUR NEWTON
A variation of self-defence and
diminished capacity.

Lilly signs Newton’s words to Xing.

MARSHALL
I am arguing that a person who is
subjected to systematic violence
has the right to the ultimate
defence.

The WAITER brings over more coffee.
5.


XING FU/LILLY
(sign language)
A defence if you kill your abuser?

MARSHALL
Yes if are the victim of a violent
husband, father, partner or a pimp
but the defence only works as a
shield, not a sword.

XING FU/LILLY
(sign language)
Is that the law right now?

Newton’s eyes roll as he slowly shakes his head.

MARSHALL
No but the Common Law of England
evolves. I hope that if the jury
accept my argument this will become
a new defence available to victims.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama"]

Summary On a sunny terrace at The George, Marshall and Arthur discuss the complexities of a murder trial involving a woman who defended herself against her abuser. Lilly and Xing join them, with Lilly translating legal concepts into sign language for Xing. As they share breakfast, the group navigates the serious implications of self-defense laws while maintaining a sense of camaraderie. The scene highlights their commitment to their client and ends with Marshall expressing hope for a transformative legal argument for victims of violence.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of legal and moral dilemmas
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, informative, and sets up important legal and moral dilemmas. The dialogue is sharp and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring a new legal defence for victims of violence is innovative and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the story and raises important ethical questions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the discussion of the upcoming trial and legal strategy. It sets up important conflicts and dilemmas for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on legal defense strategies and victim advocacy, offering a nuanced portrayal of complex ethical dilemmas.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in the dialogue. Their interactions reveal their motivations and beliefs.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the discussion of legal strategy and moral dilemmas could potentially lead to character growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to advocate for a new legal defense for victims of violence, reflecting his desire for justice and protection of vulnerable individuals.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend a woman accused of murder by arguing for a new legal defense strategy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily centered around the upcoming trial and the legal strategy being discussed.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints on legal defense strategies and the morality of self-defense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters discuss a murder trial with potential life-or-death consequences. The outcome of the trial could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up important legal and moral dilemmas that will likely impact future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting legal arguments and moral complexities, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the trial.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality and legality of self-defense in cases of abuse. Marshall's argument challenges traditional legal norms and societal perceptions of victimhood.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more intellectually stimulating than emotionally impactful. The focus is on legal and moral dilemmas rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is the highlight of the scene, providing insight into the characters' thoughts and beliefs. It is sharp, engaging, and thought-provoking.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and historical context, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the characters' legal and moral debates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-heavy legal drama, effectively conveying the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the context of the ongoing Jack the Ripper investigation and the legal case involving the woman who fought back against her abuser. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository, as characters explain their roles and the situation rather than engaging in a more natural conversation. This can make the scene feel less organic and more like a summary of events.
  • The use of sign language between Lilly and Xing is a nice touch that adds depth to their characters and highlights the theme of communication barriers. However, the scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions that demonstrate their interaction, rather than relying solely on dialogue to convey their thoughts.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The transition from the breakfast setting to the serious discussion about murder and legal strategies feels abrupt. A more gradual shift in tone could enhance the emotional weight of the conversation and better reflect the gravity of the topics being discussed.
  • While the scene introduces important legal concepts, it may be too dense for viewers unfamiliar with legal jargon. Simplifying some of the legal explanations or providing context through character reactions could make the information more accessible.
  • The characters of Marshall and Arthur Newton are established well, but Lilly and Xing could use more development. Their motivations and emotional stakes in the conversation are not fully explored, which could lead to a more engaging dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext in the dialogue to allow characters to express their emotions and motivations without explicitly stating them. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Add physical actions or reactions from Lilly and Xing while they communicate in sign language to visually engage the audience and emphasize their connection. This could include facial expressions or gestures that reflect their feelings about the conversation.
  • To improve pacing, consider adding a brief moment of levity or a more casual exchange before diving into the serious topics. This can help balance the tone and make the transition feel more natural.
  • Simplify legal terminology or provide brief explanations through character dialogue or reactions to ensure that the audience can follow the conversation without feeling overwhelmed.
  • Develop Lilly and Xing's characters further by including a line or two that reveals their personal stakes in the case or their feelings about the ongoing violence, which would enhance their involvement in the scene.



Scene 4 -  Unveiling Trauma
INT. OLD BAILEY, CELLS - DAY

A FEMALE GUARD shows Marshall and Newton to a small, dingy
cell where they will interview SANDRA EVERETT (24).

MARSHALL
This is not acceptable. There must
be a larger, well-lit space to work
in. If not get me the Governor.

The Female Guard isn’t used to being spoken to like this.

FEMALE GUARD
It is part of her punishment. She
killed a serving police officer.

MARSHALL
(raises voice)
She is accused of killing a man
masquerading as a police officer.

The Female Guard indicates to follow.


INT. OLD BAILEY, ANTE ROOM - DAY

This is a well-lit space with a table and chairs.

Marshall opens his brief and puts it on the table.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Thank you. This is much better.

The Female Guard stares intently into Marshall’s face.
6.


FEMALE GUARD
My husband is a policeman. She gets
no sympathy around here.

The Female Guard leaves.

Sandra Everett is slim, pallid and looks like she’s in shock.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Sandra, this is your barrister.
Marshall is going to take you
through your evidence.

Sandra makes eye contact for less than a few seconds.

MARSHALL
Tell us about when Officer Scythe
first approached and took you away.

Sandra looks at Newton who extends his hand in comfort.
Sandra immediately withdraws hers.

SANDRA EVERETT
He said I was arrested for
stealing. I never stole anything
but he still put me in handcuffs.

MARSHALL
What happened then?

Sandra wells up in tears as she recounts her tale of woe.

SANDRA EVERETT
People I know looking. Judging me.
They looked at Scythe like he was
an Angel and I was the devil.

MARSHALL
Where did he take you?

SANDRA EVERETT
It was already dark. We walked
along an alleyway and stopped at a
gate. He unlocked it. I thought it
must be a Police house.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Anything you can remember is
crucial since the law changed
recently so that you are now
allowed to give evidence in your
own defence.

SANDRA EVERETT
The things he did in that cellar. I
can’t go in the witness box.

She lifts her top to reveal scars on her torso.
7.


ARTHUR NEWTON
We have seen the dungeon you and
the others were kept in.

MARSHALL
It will help us to convince the
Jury if you can tell them what he
did to you that made you retaliate.

Sandra looks terrified at having to recount what happened.

SANDRA EVERETT
It wasn’t just him. There was a
brother. A Doctor. He was worse.

Marshall and Newton exchange a worried glance.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Marshall and Newton visit Sandra Everett at the Old Bailey, where she is confined in harsh conditions as punishment for killing a police officer. Despite Marshall's insistence on better interview conditions, Sandra, visibly traumatized, struggles to recount her harrowing experiences with Officer Scythe and reveals the existence of another perpetrator, a doctor, who inflicted even greater abuse. The scene captures the tension between Marshall's advocacy for Sandra and her emotional turmoil, highlighting the gravity of her situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and gripping, with a strong focus on character development and legal drama. It effectively sets up the stakes for Sandra's trial and engages the audience with its raw portrayal of her trauma.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the psychological impact of a traumatic experience on a character, combined with the legal aspects of a murder trial, is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the complexity of the situation and the challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through Sandra's testimony and the legal discussions between Marshall and Newton. It sets up the central conflict of the murder trial and introduces key elements of the story, such as the abuse Sandra suffered and the defense strategy being planned.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the legal drama genre by focusing on the personal and emotional impact of a criminal case. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Sandra, are well-developed and evoke strong emotions from the audience. Sandra's trauma and fear are palpable, while Marshall and Newton's dedication to defending her adds depth to their characters. The scene effectively showcases the different personalities and motivations at play.

Character Changes: 7

Sandra undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, from fear and trauma to a sense of empowerment as she begins to recount her story. Her character arc is compelling and sets the stage for further development in the story. Marshall and Newton also show growth in their dedication to defending Sandra.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to help Sandra Everett recount her traumatic experience and gather evidence for her defense. This reflects Marshall's deeper desire to seek justice and protect the innocent.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather crucial evidence to convince the jury of Sandra's innocence. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving her innocence in a court of law.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Sandra grapples with the trauma of her experience and the prospect of testifying in court. There is also a legal conflict as Marshall and Newton strategize to defend Sandra against the murder charges. The tension is high, driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sandra facing challenges from the legal system, societal judgment, and her own traumatic experiences.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Sandra's freedom and reputation are on the line in the murder trial. The emotional and legal challenges she faces add tension and urgency to the narrative, heightening the sense of risk and consequence for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key elements of the murder trial, including Sandra's testimony and the legal strategies being planned. It sets up the central conflict and raises the stakes for the characters, driving the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Sandra's story and the revelation of new information about her case.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between justice and injustice, truth and lies. Sandra's experience challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the fairness of the legal system and the importance of seeking the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting fear, sadness, and shock from the audience. Sandra's emotional turmoil and the gravity of her situation resonate strongly, creating a sense of empathy and connection with the characters. The raw emotion and vulnerability displayed enhance the scene's power.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and serves to reveal important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions in the scene, adding depth to the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity, the high stakes of the legal case, and the compelling character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of Sandra's case.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a legal drama, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Marshall and the Female Guard, highlighting the systemic issues within the justice system. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the conflict. For instance, Marshall's insistence on a better space could be more than just a matter of comfort; it could reflect his broader fight against the injustices faced by women like Sandra.
  • Sandra's emotional state is conveyed through her physical appearance and her reluctance to engage, which is effective. However, her backstory could be more vividly illustrated through her dialogue. Instead of simply stating what happened, she could use more sensory details or emotional language to draw the audience into her trauma.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly during Sandra's recounting of her experience. Allowing for pauses or moments of silence could enhance the emotional weight of her testimony. This would give the audience time to absorb the gravity of her situation.
  • The introduction of the 'brother' and the mention of a doctor feels abrupt and could benefit from more buildup. This revelation could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene or hinted at through Sandra's hesitance, creating a stronger narrative thread.
  • The dynamic between Marshall and Newton is somewhat underdeveloped. Their relationship could be explored further through their interactions, perhaps revealing more about their history or differing approaches to the case. This would add depth to their partnership and make their concern for Sandra more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Marshall and the Female Guard to reflect the broader themes of injustice and gender dynamics in the legal system.
  • Encourage Sandra to use more vivid language when recounting her experiences, incorporating sensory details that evoke the trauma she endured, which would engage the audience more deeply.
  • Introduce pauses or moments of silence during Sandra's testimony to allow the audience to process the emotional weight of her words, enhancing the scene's impact.
  • Foreshadow the mention of the brother and doctor earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative and build tension leading up to that revelation.
  • Develop the relationship between Marshall and Newton further by incorporating subtle hints of their history or differing perspectives on the case, which would enrich their dynamic and heighten the stakes for Sandra.



Scene 5 -  Justice Revealed: The Trial of Sandra Everett
EXT. OLD BAILEY, COURTROOM - DAY.

Marshall sits on counsel's benches along from Aarav Singh.

Judge Booth is watching Sandra Everett shaking in the dock.

JUDGE BOOTH
Bring in the jury.

The jury spill in from their room and take their seats.

USHER
In the matter of Crown against
Sandra Everett.
(to Sandra)
You are charged with the wilful
murder of Constable William Scythe.
How do you plead?

Sandra looks confused and begins mumbling.

Marshall can see the Jury don’t like her and jumps up.

MARSHALL
She pleads not guilty my Lord.

JUDGE BOOTH
What does the crown say, Mr Singh?

Aarav “Rav” Singh stands and addresses the Jury.

RAV SINGH
Yes, you heard that correctly. The
victim, in this case, was a serving
constable brutally murdered in the
line of duty by the prisoner.

If the Jury didn't already hate Sandra they certainly do now.
8.


RAV SINGH (CONT'D)
You have read the lurid details in
the newspapers but be in no doubt,
Everett brutally bludgeoned Scythe
to death in cold blood.

Singh takes his time eying each Juror in turn before he sits.

Marshall stands.

MARSHALL
What my learned friend chose not to
tell you is where Scythe died.

The courtroom is silent.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
He died after systematically
beating and raping Sandra Everett
over several days in the basement
dungeon of his mother’s home.

The courtroom exhales.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
She was strapped to a bench using
leather restraints and tortured.

There are gasps from the public gallery. How could the biased
billing for this show be so out of sync with reality?

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
They were not in a Police station
or the street where an officer
might lawfully have control of a
prisoner.

Judge Booth looks appalled.

JUDGE BOOTH
Can this be true Mr Singh?

Rav Singh stands.

RAV SINGH
Those facts are not in dispute.

JUDGE BOOTH
So she was kept in a cellar?

RAV SINGH
Scythe may have had legitimate
reasons for keeping Everett there.
We will never know because she beat
him to death with a hammer.
9.


MARSHALL
Scythe kidnapped Everett and kept
her hostage to his depraved lust
until she was able to find a weapon
to fight back and save herself.

The Jury does not seem very happy with his analysis.

RAV SINGH
You won't fool this Jury. They know
a wanton woman when they see one.

The tide turns the other way.

RAV SINGH (CONT'D)
Unhappy with their consensual
sexual liaison she exacted a
terrible toll on the officer.

Marshall indicates to Newton who leans over.

MARSHALL
The Jury is very hostile. The Judge
seems sympathetic.

ARTHUR NEWTON
A tactical change of plan?

MARSHALL
Divide and rule.

Marshall addresses Judge Booth.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
My Lord, we change our plea to
guilty of manslaughter.

The courtroom explodes with intrigue.

RAV SINGH
What are you up to Marshall?

Judge Booth is unravelling what is happening.

JUDGE BOOTH
You do realise your client can
still be hanged for manslaughter?

MARSHALL
Painfully so, my Lord.
RAV SINGH
The prosecution would accept the
guilty plea on that basis, my Lord.
10.


JUDGE BOOTH
Slow down Mr Singh, I want to hear
any plea in mitigation before I
pass sentence.

Rav Singh now realises the tactic. Isolate the Judge.

RAV SINGH
As your Lordship pleases.

JUDGE BOOTH
(to the jury)
A guilty plea makes you the Jury
redundant. All that is left is for
me to hand down the sentence. Thank
you for your service.

The Jurors are led out by the usher.

JUDGE BOOTH (CONT'D)
You can begin your plea, Marshall.

Marshall has a file with images from the crime scene.

MARSHALL
My Lord, Constable Scythe took
Sandra Everett off the street in
handcuffs before locking her in a
cellar he had converted into a
dungeon. Here are the photographs.

The Usher hands the images to Judge Booth. In one, a bench
with leather straps has been used as a restraint.

JUDGE BOOTH
Who found Scythe and Miss Everett?

MARSHALL
His mother was curious as she had
not seen her son for days.

JUDGE BOOTH
Everett struck Scythe twice with a
hammer which is what killed him?

MARSHALL
One of her hands was still
handcuffed to the bench when Scythe
brought out the hammer. But he fell
asleep after raping her. She
managed to reach out for the first
thing she could find.

Judge Booth continues to look at the photographs.

JUDGE BOOTH
What are you asking me to do?
11.


MARSHALL
You have discretion in the full
range of sentencing options for
manslaughter from execution to an
unconditional discharge my Lord.

Judge Booth is weighing up the pros and cons.

JUDGE BOOTH
The victim was a serving policeman.

MARSHALL
Scythe was a despicable rapist who
had already planned to kill her to
prevent his identification.

JUDGE BOOTH
Hard cases make bad law.

MARSHALL
Everett is the victim here and
should be freed based on the
violence she suffered at his hand.

Rav Singh rises.

RAV SINGH
My Lord if you allow this to
succeed the floodgates will open.
The illogical outcome could be a
husband exercising his legitimate
right to beat or punish his wife
could be attacked, or even killed
and she would have a defence.

JUDGE BOOTH
Yes, that does seem to follow
doesn’t it Mr Singh?
(to Sandra Everett)
Miss Everett, you are free to go
and rebuild your life.

MARSHALL
But for the grace of God go we all.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense courtroom at the Old Bailey, Sandra Everett stands trial for the murder of Constable William Scythe. Her lawyer, Marshall, asserts her not guilty plea, revealing shocking evidence of Scythe's abuse towards Sandra, which he argues led to her desperate act of self-defense. As the prosecution, represented by Rav Singh, attempts to vilify Sandra, the courtroom reacts with disbelief. Ultimately, Marshall changes the plea to guilty of manslaughter, leading Judge Booth to grapple with the moral implications of the case. In a surprising turn, he decides to free Sandra, acknowledging her victimization and allowing her a chance to rebuild her life.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Emotional depth
  • Strategic plot twist
Weaknesses
  • Potential bias in courtroom proceedings
  • Lack of exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and thought-provoking, with strong performances and impactful dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of self-defense and the blurred lines between victim and perpetrator are explored in a compelling and nuanced way, making the audience question their own moral compass.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a strategic twist in the courtroom drama that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on legal drama by exploring complex moral issues, challenging traditional legal norms, and presenting a thought-provoking narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and well-developed, especially Sandra Everett and Marshall, who undergo significant emotional and moral dilemmas throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Sandra Everett undergoes a significant change from a victim to a survivor, while Marshall grapples with his moral compass and legal strategy.

Internal Goal: 9

Marshall's internal goal is to defend Sandra Everett and ensure justice is served for her. This reflects his deeper desire for fairness, truth, and protecting the innocent.

External Goal: 8

Marshall's external goal is to change the plea to guilty of manslaughter to save Sandra from a harsher sentence. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the legal system and securing a favorable outcome for his client.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the defense and prosecution, as well as the moral dilemma faced by the judge, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, legal obstacles, and moral dilemmas creating tension and suspense. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's intensity.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Sandra's freedom and justice hang in the balance, with moral and legal implications at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Sandra's past and the legal proceedings, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, surprising revelations, and unexpected turns of events. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the differing perspectives on justice, morality, and the interpretation of the law. Marshall and Rav Singh represent opposing views on the case, challenging each other's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, ranging from sympathy for Sandra to outrage at the injustice she faced.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the conflict and emotional depth of the scene effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, moral dilemmas, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is drawn into the legal drama and emotionally invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, emotional beats, and dramatic reveals. The rhythm enhances the scene's effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard format for a courtroom scene, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear progression, conflict escalation, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of a courtroom drama, with high stakes and emotional weight. However, the pacing feels uneven at times, particularly during the transition from the prosecution's opening statement to Marshall's defense. The dialogue could benefit from more naturalistic exchanges to enhance the realism of the courtroom setting.
  • Marshall's character is portrayed as assertive and passionate, but his motivations could be more clearly defined. While he passionately defends Sandra, the audience might benefit from a deeper understanding of his personal stakes in the case, which would add layers to his character and make his actions more compelling.
  • The dialogue, while impactful, occasionally leans towards exposition-heavy moments that could be streamlined. For instance, Marshall's explanation of the circumstances surrounding Scythe's death could be more concise, allowing for a more dynamic exchange between characters rather than a monologue.
  • The courtroom reactions, particularly from the jury and Judge Booth, are crucial for conveying the emotional weight of the scene. However, the jury's hostility towards Sandra feels somewhat abrupt. More subtle cues or reactions from the jurors throughout the scene could build this tension more organically.
  • The scene's climax, where Marshall changes the plea to guilty of manslaughter, is a pivotal moment. However, the implications of this decision could be explored further. Adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Marshall before making this choice could heighten the drama and make the stakes feel even more significant.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Marshall as he navigates the courtroom dynamics. This could involve flashbacks or brief moments of reflection that reveal his personal connection to the case or his motivations for defending Sandra.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more conversational and less expository. This can be achieved by incorporating interruptions, overlapping dialogue, or emotional outbursts that reflect the high tension of the courtroom environment.
  • Enhance the jury's reactions throughout the scene to build a more gradual sense of hostility towards Sandra. This could involve small, non-verbal cues or whispered exchanges among jurors that reflect their biases and judgments.
  • Introduce a moment of doubt or vulnerability for Marshall before he changes the plea. This could be a brief exchange with Newton or a moment of eye contact with Sandra that conveys the weight of his decision.
  • Consider using visual storytelling techniques to complement the dialogue. For example, close-ups on the jury's faces during key moments of testimony could amplify the emotional stakes and provide a visual representation of their shifting opinions.



Scene 6 -  A Pendant Purchase and a Friendly Bargain
INT. CHANCERY LANE, OLD CURIOSITY SHOP - DAY

Marshall enters having seen something in the window he likes.

Aladdin himself would have chosen this to be his dwelling.

MR BEAGLE is inspecting his glass cases under which lays a
treasure trove of gold, platinum, and precious stones.
12.


MR BEAGLE
(beaming)
Good morning Marshall, you always
get the better of me but not today.

MARSHALL
I don’t want to haggle. I will pay
full price for the gold St. Mary
MagdalenePendant in the window.

MR BEAGLE
You always go straight to the
quality. And after forty years, I
still know how to display a window.

Mr Beagle gets out the tray of necklaces. He selects the gold
circular disc with the iconography of St. Mary Magdalene.

Marshall inspects thePendant.

MARSHALL
A very fine piece. Can you shorten
the chain? Choker length?

MR BEAGLE
If you have five minutes I will do
it right now.

Marshall nods as he browses.

MARSHALL
The plan was I was going to be
ordained but the Church lost out to
the Law at the last minute.

Mr Beagle works on the chain.

MR BEAGLE
My parents wanted to send me to
rabbinical school. I said heaven
can wait. I’ll get my reward on
earth thank you very much.

The item is boxed and handed over to Marshall.

MARSHALL
Here are your two Guineas.

Mr Beagle looks disappointed and hands back one guinea.

MR BEAGLE
Please take this guinea back. I
would have let you have it for
that. For me, it’s not the same
when we don’t haggle.

MARSHALL
Thank you. I will be back soon.
13.


Marshall smiles as he and Mr Beagle shake hands.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In an old curiosity shop on Chancery Lane, Marshall expresses his desire to buy a gold St. Mary Magdalene pendant. He engages in friendly banter with Mr. Beagle, the shop owner, revealing their long-standing relationship. As Marshall shares insights about his life choices, Mr. Beagle reflects on his past. After purchasing the pendant, Mr. Beagle insists on returning one guinea, missing the tradition of haggling. The scene concludes with a warm handshake, solidifying their camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Dialogue
  • Atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a reflective and wistful tone, introduces a unique setting, and provides insight into Marshall's character, making it engaging and intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a character's past through a visit to an old curiosity shop is innovative and adds depth to the narrative. The interaction between Marshall and Mr. Beagle is well-executed and contributes to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Plot: 7

While the plot does not advance significantly in this scene, it provides valuable character development for Marshall and hints at his background, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique setting and characters, with a fresh approach to exploring themes of spirituality and materialism. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses on Marshall and Mr. Beagle, showcasing their unique personalities and relationship. Marshall's introspective nature and connection to the Church are highlighted, while Mr. Beagle's jovial yet insightful demeanor adds depth to the interaction.

Character Changes: 5

While there is no significant character change in this scene, Marshall's introspective dialogue hints at his internal growth and past experiences, setting the stage for potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to find a connection to his past and his lost dream of being ordained. This reflects his deeper desire for spiritual fulfillment and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal in this scene is to purchase the gold St. Mary Magdalene Pendant. This reflects his immediate desire to acquire a specific item of value.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on character interaction and introspection. The tension comes from Marshall's internal struggle and his bittersweet reminiscence.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, as Mr. Beagle challenges Marshall's desire for a straightforward transaction.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and introspection. The emotional depth and thematic exploration take precedence over high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 4

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides valuable character development for Marshall. It sets the stage for potential revelations about his past and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn in the negotiation between Marshall and Mr. Beagle, adding a layer of suspense to the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marshall's spiritual aspirations and Mr. Beagle's pragmatic approach to life. Marshall seeks spiritual reward, while Mr. Beagle values earthly rewards and the art of haggling.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and introspection, creating a wistful and reflective atmosphere. Marshall's dialogue about his past adds emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Marshall and Mr. Beagle is well-crafted, revealing information about Marshall's past and establishing a reflective tone. The exchange flows naturally and provides insight into the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the humor in their dialogue, and the underlying tension of the philosophical conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing information about the characters. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome of the negotiation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a light-hearted tone through the banter between Marshall and Mr. Beagle, which contrasts nicely with the heavy themes of the previous scene. This tonal shift can provide the audience with a moment of relief, but it may also feel jarring if not properly integrated into the overall narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is engaging and showcases the characters' personalities well. However, it could benefit from more subtext or conflict. The interaction feels somewhat one-dimensional, as both characters are friendly and there is no tension or stakes involved in the exchange.
  • Marshall's backstory about his shift from the Church to the Law is intriguing but feels somewhat abrupt. It could be woven into the dialogue more naturally or expanded upon to provide deeper insight into his character and motivations.
  • The scene lacks a clear dramatic arc or purpose within the larger narrative. While it provides character development for Marshall and Mr. Beagle, it does not advance the plot significantly or connect to the overarching themes of the screenplay. Consider how this scene can tie back to the main storyline or foreshadow future events.
  • The visual description of the shop and the pendant is vivid, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details. For example, describing the sounds of the shop, the atmosphere, or the emotions on the characters' faces could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a minor conflict or obstacle in the scene, such as a disagreement over the pendant's value or an unexpected interruption, to create tension and keep the audience engaged.
  • Consider expanding on Marshall's backstory in a way that connects to the current scene. Perhaps he reflects on his past while inspecting the pendant, allowing for a deeper exploration of his character.
  • Add more sensory details to the setting to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and visual elements of the shop to create a more vivid scene.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a purpose in the overall narrative. Consider how it can connect to the themes of the screenplay or foreshadow future events, perhaps by hinting at Marshall's internal struggles or desires.
  • Explore the relationship between Marshall and Mr. Beagle further. Perhaps they share a memory or a deeper conversation that reveals more about their friendship and adds emotional weight to the scene.



Scene 7 -  Pandemic Perspectives at Victoria Station
EXT. VICTORIA STATION, LONDON - DAY

Marshall, Gill, and Druit have tickets to travel to Brighton.

CHARLIE GILL
I am returning to the High Court to
settle that defamation case so you
must take the lead in the Sabina
Tilley murders.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
The girl who smothered her babies?

MARSHALL
That is merely an allegation Monty.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
You seem to get around, have you
stayed at Baring Hall before?

MARSHALL
I haven’t but I’m told it’s a big
estate with excellent shooting.

CHARLIE GILL
So it’s bloody huge then.

Many of the passengers on the platform are wearing masks.

NEWSPAPER VENDOR
(coughing loudly)
Twelve thousand dead from the
Russian Flu pandemic. Read all
about it.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
(dismissive)
Oh, don’t get me started on this
sham pandemic! It’s fake news.

The Newspaper Vendor is now coughing hard and is having
difficulty getting his breath.

MARSHALL
I am definitely buying a mask.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary At Victoria Station, Marshall, Gill, and Druit prepare to travel to Brighton. Charlie Gill announces his need to return to the High Court for a defamation case, leaving Marshall to lead the investigation into the Tilley murders. Druit makes light of the pandemic, contrasting with Marshall's concern for safety, as a newspaper vendor coughs nearby, underscoring the seriousness of the situation. The scene captures a mix of dark humor and tension, ending with Marshall's decision to buy a mask.
Strengths
  • Complex plotlines
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Multi-layered narrative
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Slight emotional impact
  • Some skepticism towards the pandemic may be controversial

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple plotlines, introduces key characters, and establishes a tense and serious tone. The dialogue is informative and helps to develop the characters' personalities and beliefs.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining crime investigation, legal proceedings, and societal issues is well-executed. The scene effectively introduces multiple plotlines and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and complex, with multiple storylines converging to create a compelling narrative. The discovery of the infants' remains and the legal case against Sandra Everett add depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of public health crises and societal skepticism, with authentic dialogue and actions that reflect the characters' individual perspectives.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions. Marshall, Gill, and Druit each have distinct personalities and beliefs, setting up potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Character Changes: 6

There is a slight character change in Sandra Everett, as her traumatic past is revealed and the truth about her actions comes to light. Marshall, Gill, and Druit also show hints of development through their interactions and beliefs.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in the face of uncertainty and potential danger.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to travel to Brighton and potentially investigate the Sabina Tilley murders.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the legal case against Sandra Everett and the characters' differing beliefs about the pandemic. The discovery of the infants' remains adds a layer of mystery and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, particularly regarding the pandemic and the murder investigation, adds complexity and uncertainty to the characters' goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, particularly for Sandra Everett facing a murder trial and the characters dealing with the Russian Flu pandemic. The discovery of the infants' remains adds a sense of urgency and mystery to the overall story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing key plotlines, developing the characters, and setting up conflicts and mysteries to be resolved. The legal case against Sandra Everett and the discovery of the infants' remains propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting perspectives on the pandemic and the potential investigation of the murders, leaving the audience unsure of the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict between those who believe in the seriousness of the Russian Flu pandemic and those who dismiss it as fake news. This challenges the characters' beliefs and values regarding public health and information.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact, particularly through Sandra Everett's recounting of her trauma and the characters' reactions to the Russian Flu pandemic. The discovery of the infants' remains adds a sense of unease and intrigue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is informative, engaging, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It sets the tone for the scene and provides insight into the characters' motivations and beliefs.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the tension surrounding the pandemic, and the mystery of the Sabina Tilley murders.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see how the conflicts will unfold.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and a progression of events that build tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels somewhat disjointed and lacks a clear emotional arc. While the characters are discussing important topics, the transitions between their conversations could be smoother to maintain a cohesive flow.
  • Montague Druitt's dismissive attitude towards the pandemic feels out of place given the serious context of the story. This could undermine the gravity of the situation and may come off as insensitive, especially considering the ongoing health crisis depicted in the scene.
  • The introduction of the newspaper vendor coughing loudly serves as a visual cue for the pandemic, but it could be more effectively integrated into the dialogue. Instead of just stating the number of deaths, perhaps the vendor could express a personal anecdote or concern that reflects the impact of the pandemic on the community.
  • Marshall's decision to buy a mask at the end of the scene is a good character moment, but it could be enhanced by showing his internal conflict or concern about the pandemic. This would add depth to his character and make the audience more invested in his actions.
  • The humor in the dialogue, particularly with Gill's comment about the estate being 'bloody huge,' feels slightly out of place given the serious undertones of the previous scenes. Balancing humor with the gravity of the situation is crucial to maintain the tone of the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create smoother transitions between topics, ensuring that each character's contributions feel more interconnected and relevant to the overarching narrative.
  • Reassess Druitt's characterization to ensure that his dismissive attitude aligns with the tone of the story. If he is meant to be a comic relief character, ensure that his humor does not detract from the seriousness of the pandemic.
  • Enhance the newspaper vendor's lines to include a personal touch or a story that illustrates the pandemic's impact on everyday life, making the situation feel more immediate and relatable.
  • Add a moment of reflection for Marshall regarding the pandemic before he decides to buy a mask. This could be a brief internal monologue or a line of dialogue that reveals his concerns or fears.
  • Evaluate the placement of humor in the scene. If humor is to be included, ensure it serves to lighten the mood without undermining the serious themes present in the screenplay.



Scene 8 -  Conspiracies and Card Games
INT. LONDON TO BRIGHTON TRAIN, FIRST-CLASS CARRIAGE - DAY

As the train gets underway, Druit reiterates his views.
14.


MONTAGUE DRUIT
This Russian flu is a bloody hoax.
Reports of thousands of deaths are
a huge exaggeration designed to
scare the working classes.

MARSHALL
Designed by whom?

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Salisbury and the rabid Tories
trying to restrict our freedoms. I
truly despise them all.


EXT. BARINGS HALL - DAY

A carriage rounds the bend of the long driveway up to the
ancestral home of the Barings Banking Family.

Outside of the Great Hall are seven carriages. The grandest
of them all bears the livery of Queen Victoria's eldest son
and heir, Prince Edward, Prince of Wales.


INT. CARRIAGE, OUTSIDE BARINGS HALL - DAY

Marshall steps down followed by Druit.

MARSHALL
I see the Prince of Wales arrived
before us.

Druit points to the familiar carriage of Prince Eddy.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
And the black sheep is here too.

CHARLIE GILL
There must be one but does anyone
know the etiquette for the order of
arrival at a poker weekend?

Everyone laughs and shakes their heads.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary On a train from London to Brighton, Montague Druitt shares his belief that the Russian flu is a hoax designed to control the working class, prompting skepticism from Marshall. The scene shifts to Barings Hall, where the arrival of the Prince of Wales is noted. Druitt humorously refers to the prince as the 'black sheep,' and Charlie Gill lightens the mood with jokes about poker etiquette, leading to laughter among the group. The scene blends serious themes of conspiracy with a light-hearted atmosphere as the characters prepare for their poker weekend.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging characters
  • Intriguing plot setup
  • Historical context
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character changes
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres, tones, and sentiments, creating a compelling narrative with intriguing characters and themes. The introduction of the Prince of Wales adds an interesting historical context, while the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy adds depth to the story. The scene sets up potential conflicts and tensions among the characters, promising exciting developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending mystery, crime, drama, and historical elements with a touch of humor is executed well in this scene. The discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy adds layers to the story and characters, making the scene engaging and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene is intriguing, setting up potential conflicts and tensions among the characters. The introduction of the Prince of Wales and the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy add depth to the story, hinting at future developments and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on historical events and societal issues, blending political intrigue with social dynamics in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene are well-developed and engaging. Each character has a distinct personality and voice, adding depth to the dialogue and interactions. The introduction of the Prince of Wales and the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy reveal more about the characters' beliefs and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of the Prince of Wales and the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy hint at potential growth and development for the characters. The differing beliefs and motivations of the characters set the stage for future transformations and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to navigate the political and social dynamics of the group while maintaining his own beliefs and values.

External Goal: 7.5

Marshall's external goal is to enjoy the poker weekend and navigate the social etiquette of the gathering.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces potential conflicts and tensions among the characters, particularly regarding the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy. The differing beliefs and motivations of the characters create a sense of unease and intrigue, hinting at future confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and social dynamics creating obstacles for the characters to navigate.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in this scene, particularly regarding the discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy. The differing beliefs and motivations of the characters create tension and conflict, setting the stage for potential betrayals, confrontations, and resolutions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and themes. The discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy sets up potential plot developments and character arcs, hinting at future twists and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and conflicting beliefs among the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about politics, social class, and personal freedoms. Marshall's more moderate views clash with Druit's radical opinions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including shock, confusion, defiance, and sympathy. The discovery of the Russian flu conspiracy and the introduction of the Prince of Wales add depth and emotional resonance to the story, setting up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, witty, and engaging. It reveals the characters' personalities, beliefs, and motivations, adding depth to the story and setting up potential conflicts and tensions. The discussion about the Russian flu and political conspiracy is particularly well-written, adding layers to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, political intrigue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue-driven interactions, and setting descriptions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and skepticism surrounding the pandemic through Druit's dismissive attitude, which contrasts well with Marshall's more serious demeanor. This dynamic adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for the differing perspectives on the crisis.
  • The transition from the train carriage to Barings Hall is smooth, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the sounds of the train, the sights of the countryside, or the opulence of Barings Hall would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Druit's characterization as a conspiracy theorist is clear, but his dialogue could be sharpened to make it more impactful. The phrase 'bloody hoax' feels somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with a more original expression that reflects his unique viewpoint.
  • The humor introduced by Charlie Gill regarding poker etiquette lightens the mood effectively, but it feels slightly disconnected from the preceding serious discussion about the pandemic. A smoother transition or a more relevant joke could help maintain the scene's overall tone.
  • The scene ends on a light note, which contrasts with the previous scene's heavy emotional weight. While this can be effective for pacing, it may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A stronger thematic link between the two scenes could enhance coherence.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the setting, such as the sounds of the train, the feel of the first-class carriage, or the grandeur of Barings Hall, to create a more vivid atmosphere.
  • Revise Druit's dialogue to make his skepticism more distinctive and memorable. Consider using a metaphor or a unique phrase that encapsulates his views on the pandemic without resorting to clichés.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection from Marshall after Druit's comments, which could highlight his concern for the working class and deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • To maintain tonal consistency, consider adjusting the humor in Charlie Gill's dialogue to better align with the preceding discussion. A joke that ties into the pandemic or the poker game could create a smoother transition.
  • Explore the possibility of foreshadowing future events related to the pandemic or the poker weekend, which could create a sense of anticipation and connect the lighter moments to the overarching narrative.



Scene 9 -  A Night of Gaming and Social Tension
INT. BARINGS HALL - ANTE ROOM - NIGHT

The host is SIR GORDON CUMMINGS and he welcomes the guests in
the palatial entrance hall.

SERVANTS serve drinks as guests descend the grand staircase.

First up are HRH Prince Edward and his son Prince “Eddy”.

Everyone is in white tie and that includes Marshall, Thomas
Fortune, Lord Northcliffe, Druit, Gill, Newton, Bram Stoker,
Lord Labouchere, and the Marquis of Queensbury.
15.


SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
Your majesties, gentlemen, welcome
to Barings Hall, our family seat
for over four hundred.....

Prince Eddy grabs two glasses of champagne and is eager.

PRINCE EDDY
(interrupts Cummings)
Which way is the gaming room...?

Prince Eddy leaves and everyone follows.


INT. BARINGS HALL, GAMING ROOM - NIGHT

A large room with a roulette wheel, baccarat, blackjack, and
poker tables.

Seated around a large round table are Marshall, Prince
Edward, Sir Gordon Cummings, Prince Eddy, Montague Druit, and
Newton.

Cummings speaks with the BURSAR before addressing the table.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
Ground rules first gentlemen.

PRINCE EDDY
Cummings, you love the sound of
your own voice.

Cummings is a known sycophant and not widely liked in social
circles, but he has family money.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
Your majesty, a few moments now
will save time later once the
drinking begins in earnest.

It’s not really his place but Lord Labouchere steps in.

LORD LABOUCHERE
We are here for sport Cummings not
lectures from you. Shut up.

There is a deep bitterness in Cummings social inferiority.
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In the opulent Barings Hall, Sir Gordon Cummings attempts to welcome guests, including HRH Prince Edward and Prince Eddy, to a gaming night. Eagerly interrupting Cummings, Prince Eddy asks for the gaming room's location, leading everyone to follow him. As Cummings tries to establish ground rules, his authority is challenged by Lord Labouchere, who dismisses him, revealing the social hierarchy and tensions among the guests. The scene ends with Cummings being publicly undermined, setting the stage for an unregulated gaming night.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of historical context and character dynamics
  • Witty dialogue that reveals character relationships
  • Introduction of new elements that advance the plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in the scene
  • Some characters lack development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends historical context, character dynamics, and tension, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a royal gathering with a mix of historical figures, social dynamics, and humor is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new characters, setting up potential conflicts and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a social gathering among the elite but adds originality through the nuanced character dynamics, subtle power struggles, and the protagonist's rebellious actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and behaviors adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct, with unique personalities and interactions that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character dynamics and potential changes, setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his social status and independence by seeking out the gaming room and engaging in gambling. This reflects his desire for autonomy and excitement, as well as potentially hinting at a rebellious streak against societal norms and expectations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to participate in the gambling activities and social interactions at Barings Hall. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the social event he is attending and the desire to engage in risky behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is underlying tension and conflict among the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power dynamics between characters creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will play out, adding to the tension and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 7

The presence of royalty, social dynamics, and potential conflicts raise the stakes in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, characters, and conflicts, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the protagonist, the shifting power dynamics between characters, and the potential for conflict to escalate. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between social hierarchy and individual agency. The protagonist's desire to engage in gambling and assert his independence clashes with the expectations and norms of the upper class society he is a part of. This challenges his beliefs about social status and personal freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are moments of humor and tension, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, formal, and reveals character dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the high stakes of the gambling activities, and the subtle power dynamics at play. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and stakes. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and setting of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear establishment of setting, introduction of characters, and progression of conflict and tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the setting of Barings Hall and introduces a variety of characters, which helps to create a sense of grandeur and social hierarchy. However, the dialogue lacks depth and could benefit from more distinct character voices to differentiate the personalities of the guests.
  • Prince Eddy's eagerness and interruption of Cummings serve to highlight his youthful exuberance, but the scene could explore more of his character traits or motivations to make him more memorable. As it stands, he feels somewhat one-dimensional.
  • Cummings' social inferiority is hinted at through Lord Labouchere's dismissal, but this could be further emphasized through more nuanced interactions or internal thoughts that reveal his insecurities. This would add layers to his character and enhance the tension in the room.
  • The humor in the scene is present but could be sharpened. The banter feels a bit flat and could be elevated with more clever wordplay or situational comedy that reflects the characters' relationships and social dynamics.
  • The transition between the ante room and the gaming room is somewhat abrupt. A more gradual shift, perhaps with a brief moment of anticipation or a comment about the atmosphere, could enhance the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a unique way of speaking or specific phrases that reflect their background and personality. This will help the audience differentiate between them and make the dialogue more engaging.
  • Add a moment where Prince Eddy interacts with another character, revealing more about his personality or his relationship with his father, Prince Edward. This could create a more rounded character and add depth to the scene.
  • Explore Cummings' feelings of inferiority more explicitly. Perhaps include a brief internal monologue or a moment where he reflects on his status compared to the others, which would make his social struggles more relatable.
  • Inject more humor into the dialogue by using witty repartee or situational irony that reflects the characters' social standings and relationships. This could make the scene more entertaining and memorable.
  • Include a brief moment of anticipation or tension as the guests transition from the ante room to the gaming room. This could be achieved through a comment about the stakes of the games or the atmosphere, enhancing the overall pacing of the scene.



Scene 10 -  High Stakes and Hidden Truths
EXT. BARINGS HALL, COURTYARD - NIGHT

Bernie Lawless pulls up in a carriage and hurriedly takes his
bag from the rear and goes inside.
16.


INT. BARINGS HALL, GAMING ROOM - NIGHT

The poker “pot” is huge with spectators willing on Prince
Edward, Cummings, Druit and Newton, the last men standing.

Marshall watches the play and notices Cummings is cheating.

BERNIE LAWLESS
Did he just switch a card?

Marshall turns to speak discreetly to Bernie.

MARSHALL
He has done it a few times.

BERNIE LAWLESS
None of our business. Say nothing.

Bernie Lawless produces the brief and paperwork in the
defence of Sabina Tilley.

MARSHALL
It does contain the post-mortem?

BERNIE LAWLESS
Yes, I got that as well as the new
Police evidence you asked for.

Marshall nods thank you.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Bernie Lawless arrives at Barings Hall during a high-stakes poker game featuring Prince Edward, Cummings, Druit, and Newton. While Marshall discreetly observes Cummings cheating, he informs Bernie, who chooses to ignore the dishonesty. Bernie presents important legal documents regarding Sabina Tilley's case to Marshall, confirming they contain a post-mortem and new police evidence. The scene is tense and secretive, highlighting moral ambiguity as Bernie navigates the complexities of the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres and tones
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Engaging dialogue and character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of significant character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling and engaging narrative. The discovery of cheating adds suspense and conflict, while the humorous moments provide a brief respite from the tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a poker game where cheating is uncovered adds depth to the scene and foreshadows potential conflicts and revelations in the story. The introduction of legal documents related to the defense of Sabina Tilley hints at broader themes of justice and morality.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Marshall and Bernie Lawless discuss the defense strategy for Sabina Tilley while observing suspicious behavior during the poker game. The scene sets the stage for future developments and introduces elements of intrigue and deception.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic gambling scenario by intertwining it with a legal defense plotline. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Marshall and Bernie Lawless, are portrayed as observant and strategic, with a focus on uncovering the truth and seeking justice. The interactions between the characters reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Marshall and Bernie Lawless hint at their evolving relationship and shared commitment to seeking justice. The discovery of cheating also reveals new facets of the characters' personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Bernie Lawless's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and not reveal his suspicions about Cummings cheating in the poker game. This reflects his desire to protect his client, Sabina Tilley, and his fear of jeopardizing the case by getting involved in the gambling scandal.

External Goal: 7

Bernie Lawless's external goal in this scene is to gather important evidence and paperwork for the defence of Sabina Tilley. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in ensuring a successful outcome for his client amidst the high-stakes poker game and potential cheating.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the discovery of cheating during the poker game, leading to tension and suspicion among the characters. The conflict adds intrigue and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bernie Lawless facing a moral dilemma and the challenge of gathering crucial evidence while navigating a high-stakes poker game. The audience is kept uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the poker game, combined with the discovery of cheating and the legal implications for Sabina Tilley, heighten the tension and suspense in the scene. The outcome of the game and the defense strategy have significant consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, advancing the investigation into Sabina Tilley's case, and setting the stage for future conflicts and revelations. The discovery of cheating adds a layer of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the hidden agendas and unexpected revelations, such as Cummings cheating in the poker game. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of whether to intervene in a situation of cheating and deception. Bernie Lawless must navigate his moral values and professional responsibilities in a high-pressure environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through the tension and suspense created by the discovery of cheating and the discussion of legal documents related to Sabina Tilley's defense. The emotional resonance is heightened by the high stakes of the poker game.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to move the plot forward while revealing important information about the characters and their motivations. The exchanges between Marshall and Bernie Lawless are sharp and insightful, adding to the scene's tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and strategic dialogue. The audience is drawn into the characters' conflicting motivations and the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the genre conventions, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful drama, with a clear setup of the conflict and character dynamics. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension with the high-stakes poker game and the underlying theme of deception through Cummings' cheating. However, the stakes could be heightened further by incorporating more visceral reactions from the spectators, which would enhance the atmosphere of suspense and excitement.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Bernie is functional but lacks emotional depth. It serves the plot but does not reveal much about their characters or their relationship. Adding a line or two that reflects their camaraderie or shared history could enrich their interaction.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the poker game is an engaging setting, a brief moment that connects the two scenes—perhaps a lingering thought from Marshall about the previous social dynamics—could provide a smoother narrative flow.
  • Cummings' social inferiority is mentioned but not fully explored in this scene. A more explicit reaction from him to the cheating accusation or the spectators' reactions could deepen the audience's understanding of his character and the stakes involved.
  • The visual description of the poker game is minimal. More vivid imagery could enhance the reader's experience, such as describing the tension in the air, the expressions of the players, or the lavish surroundings of Barings Hall, which would contrast with the deceit happening at the table.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of tension where spectators react to Cummings' cheating, perhaps with gasps or whispers, to amplify the stakes of the poker game.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marshall and Bernie by including personal anecdotes or shared concerns that reflect their friendship and the gravity of the situation regarding Sabina Tilley.
  • Introduce a brief moment of reflection for Marshall as he observes the poker game, perhaps recalling the previous scene's social dynamics, to create a smoother transition.
  • Explore Cummings' character further by including a line that shows his frustration or desperation in response to the cheating being noticed, which could add depth to his social inferiority.
  • Incorporate more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the poker game, including the atmosphere, the players' expressions, and the opulence of Barings Hall, to immerse the audience in the scene.



Scene 11 -  A Game of Reputation
INT. BARINGS HALL, GAMING ROOM, ROULETTE TABLE - NIGHT

Prince Eddy is having a decent run of luck encouraged by
Druit.

PRINCE EDDY
I said to Somerset, there is no
pandemic. No one is going to wear a
mask in any club I am a member of.

Don’t get Druit started.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
No one is dying than wouldn’t
anyhow. The Flu kills more people.

PRINCE EDDY
My father thinks it’s a conspiracy
by the Government to distract the
dockers from striking and the
working class from their low wages.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Yes, I hadn't thought of that. I
shall tell the chaps at the club.
17.


Around the roulette table, the Prince of Wales cannot hold in
his anger much longer. He prods Lord Northcliffe hard.

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
Northcliffe I was going to speak to
you privately but I am so annoyed I
don't care who hears me.

Northcliffe simply looks down at the offending Royal finger
which remains on his shoulder.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
What vexes Your Majesty?

Prince Edward withdraws his finger.

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
You know what? Why did you print
that defamatory story about Eddy? I
am seriously considering suing you.

NORTHCLIFFE
If you sue I will be forced to
instruct Marshall to defend me and
the resulting publicity will make
things worse. Explain Marshall.

Marshall didn’t want to get dragged into this.

MARSHALL
Northcliffe is permitted to report
on and print any stories appearing
in overseas newspapers.

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
Legally yes. Morally, never.

MARSHALL
The most effective defence to a
defamation action is truth.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Show them how it works Marshall.

MARSHALL
Prince Eddy, have you ever attended
the Fleur de Lis in Cleveland
Street, a club under investigation
by Scotland Yard as a brothel?

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
You don’t have to answer that.

He doesn’t but the answer is written all over Eddy’s face.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
If you sue, we will be forced to
question Eddy in open court.
18.


ARTHUR NEWTON
That will be embarrassing,
expensive and only further
publicise the underlying story.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
It may also give ammunition to the
radical republican movement which
is steadily gaining traction.

ARTHUR NEWTON
To think, a common molly boy could
give evidence against His Royal
Highness Prince Eddy in open court.
It is a disgrace, and over my dead
body will I let that happen.

Everyone gauges the reaction of the others. They knew Newton
was an arch royalist but not quite to that extent.

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
Good for you Arthur.
(to Northcliffe)
Let’s put this behind us
Northcliffe. There’s my hand.

HRH and Northcliffe settle on a handshake and an apology.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Thank you Marshall for your tact.

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES
Yes, a well constructed argument to
get us out of a quandary. Drinks!
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the gaming room of Barings Hall, tensions flare as Prince Eddy confronts Lord Northcliffe over a defamatory article, contemplating legal action. Montague Druit provides light-hearted banter while Marshall explains the complexities of defamation law. Northcliffe warns Eddy about the potential fallout of a lawsuit, leading to a heated exchange. Ultimately, the characters reach a fragile resolution with a handshake, agreeing to move past the conflict, and Eddy calls for drinks to celebrate their truce.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Intricate plot
  • Historical authenticity
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly formal
  • Limited emotional depth in certain interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends multiple genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is sharp, the characters are well-developed, and the plot moves forward with high stakes and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of royal intrigue, legal maneuvering, and social commentary is well-executed in the scene. It explores themes of power, morality, and justice in a historical context, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. It weaves together the personal struggles of the characters with larger societal issues, driving the story forward and keeping the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on historical events and characters, blending fact with fiction to create a compelling narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal depth and complexity. Each character has a distinct personality and motivation, adding richness to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations. The interactions and conflicts between the characters lead to growth, development, and shifts in their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his reputation and maintain his image as a member of the royal family. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and respect from his peers and the public.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront Lord Northcliffe about a defamatory story and potentially sue him. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting his reputation and addressing the scandal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The tension between the characters, the high stakes of the legal issues, and the power struggles within the royal circle create a compelling narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and motivations driving the conflict. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's tension.

High Stakes: 8

The scene has high stakes, with legal issues, royal intrigue, and social commentary at play. The characters' actions and decisions have far-reaching consequences, adding tension, drama, and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and developments. It sets the stage for future events, deepens the plot, and keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, unexpected revelations, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between legal and moral obligations, as well as the tension between truth and reputation. The characters debate the implications of legal actions versus moral considerations, highlighting the complexities of societal expectations and personal integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting a range of sentiments from the audience. The characters' struggles, the high stakes of the legal issues, and the tension in the royal circle create a sense of empathy, intrigue, and suspense.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and engaging, reflecting the social dynamics and power struggles within the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities, motivations, and conflicts, adding depth and authenticity to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic dialogue, tense interactions, and high stakes. The conflict and intrigue keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between the royal characters and the media, showcasing the stakes involved in the defamation case. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional weight of the confrontation. The characters are discussing serious implications, yet the tone remains somewhat light-hearted, which may undermine the gravity of the situation.
  • While the banter between Prince Eddy and Druit adds a layer of humor, it risks overshadowing the main conflict with Northcliffe. The transition from the light-hearted gambling atmosphere to the serious discussion about defamation feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and keep the audience engaged.
  • Marshall's role as a mediator is clear, but his character could be further developed in this scene. His reluctance to get involved in the conflict is evident, yet it would be beneficial to explore his internal struggle more deeply. This could add complexity to his character and make his eventual contributions feel more impactful.
  • The stakes of the defamation suit are introduced but not fully explored. The potential consequences for Prince Eddy and the implications for the monarchy could be elaborated upon to heighten the tension. This would help the audience understand why this confrontation is so significant.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a distinct voice for each character. While the characters are established, their individual perspectives and personalities could be more pronounced in their speech patterns and word choices. This would help differentiate them and make the scene more dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to imply their true feelings rather than stating them outright. This can create a richer emotional landscape.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or silence before the confrontation with Northcliffe to build anticipation. This could involve a brief exchange of glances or a pause in the conversation.
  • Deepen Marshall's internal conflict by including a moment of hesitation or doubt before he speaks up. This could be shown through his body language or a brief internal monologue.
  • Expand on the potential consequences of the defamation suit for Prince Eddy. Perhaps include a line that hints at the public's perception or the media's role in shaping narratives about the royal family.
  • Differentiate the characters' voices by giving them unique speech patterns or phrases that reflect their backgrounds and personalities. This will make the dialogue feel more authentic and engaging.



Scene 12 -  A Heartbreaking Betrayal
INT. LEWES PRISON, INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

Sabina Tilley is chaperoned by a Mrs.. IRENE SHIMWELL.

SABINA TILLEY
The circumstances of my downfall
are not uncommon. Imagine a girl.


INT. MASTERS HOUSE, LARGE BEDROOM - NIGHT

FLASHBACK:

SABINA TILLEY (O/S)
...a naïve servant girl seduced by
her master...

The MASTER, in his forties, is offering wine to Sabina.
19.


MASTER
This will make you happy. You want
me to feel happy as well, don’t
you?

Sabina is a people pleaser and pulls down her top.

SABINA TILLEY
You like this, don’t you?

The Master won’t be long for this transaction.


EXT. MASTERS HOUSE - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT

The Master and his WIFE are forcing Sabina to leave.

SABINA TILLEY (O/S)
She became pregnant and the master
dismissed her.

WIFE
How dare you conceal your pregnancy
from us, you harlot. Leave now.

MASTER
And don’t ever come back here.


INT. WORK HOUSE, DELIVERY ROOM - NIGHT

Sabina is in childbirth having her twins.

MATRON JOHNSON
Twins. Twice the mouths to feed.


EXT/INT. BRIGHTON TRAIN STATION, CARRIAGE - NIGHT

Sabina walks slowly through the snow.

SABINA TILLEY (O/S)
She was ejected from the workhouse
into a snowstorm. She took refuge
in a railway carriage.

Sabina is breastfeeding her infant girls.

SABINA TILLEY (O/S) (CONT'D)
She tried to breastfeed her babies.
Shivering in the bitter cold, she
accidentally smothered them.

Sabina puts the infant's bodies in a shoebox.
20.


SABINA TILLEY (O/S) (CONT'D)
She disposed of the bodies in a
shoebox which she hid under the
seat in the carriage.

END FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Crime"]

Summary In an interview room at Lewes Prison, Sabina Tilley recounts her tragic past as a naïve servant girl seduced by her master. Flashbacks reveal her seduction, pregnancy, and harsh dismissal by the master and his wife. After giving birth to twins in a workhouse, she faces abandonment in a snowstorm, leading to a devastating incident where she accidentally smothers her infants while trying to breastfeed them, ultimately hiding their bodies in a shoebox.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling storytelling
  • Character development
  • Impactful themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering sensitive topics
  • Heavy emotional content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the tragic circumstances of Sabina Tilley's past with emotional depth and authenticity. The storytelling is compelling, drawing the audience in and evoking a strong sense of empathy for the character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Sabina Tilley's traumatic past through a series of flashbacks and present-day interactions is executed well, providing crucial insight into her character and setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is focused and poignant, centering on Sabina Tilley's past experiences and the events that shaped her current circumstances. The narrative unfolds seamlessly, engaging the audience and driving the emotional impact of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on historical themes of abuse, trauma, and survival. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Sabina Tilley, are well-developed and evoke strong emotions from the audience. Their interactions and reactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the overall storytelling.

Character Changes: 8

Sabina Tilley undergoes significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, as her past trauma is revealed and she grapples with the pain of her experiences. The revelations about her past shape her character arc and set the stage for future growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Sabina's internal goal is to come to terms with her past and the traumatic events that led to her current situation. She is grappling with guilt, shame, and the burden of her past actions.

External Goal: 8

Sabina's external goal is to survive and find a way to cope with the consequences of her actions. She is facing societal judgment, rejection, and the harsh realities of her circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal and external conflicts faced by Sabina Tilley, including her past abuse and the loss of her infants, create a sense of tension and drama in the scene. The emotional conflict is particularly impactful, driving the character's actions and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing significant challenges and obstacles that test her resilience and determination.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the tragic events that unfold, including the abuse suffered by Sabina Tilley and the loss of her infants. The emotional weight of these events raises the stakes for the character and adds tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by providing crucial backstory and character development for Sabina Tilley. The revelations about her past experiences add depth to the narrative and set the stage for future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of power, morality, and the consequences of one's actions. Sabina is caught between societal expectations and her own sense of right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and compassion for Sabina Tilley and her tragic circumstances. The raw emotion conveyed in the storytelling resonates deeply with viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the pain and turmoil experienced by Sabina Tilley, as well as the callousness of those who mistreated her. The conversations are impactful and contribute to the emotional weight of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, the high stakes faced by the protagonist, and the suspenseful unfolding of events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the protagonist's emotional journey and the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, enhancing the readability and flow of the narrative. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's journey and the unfolding events. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tragic backstory of Sabina Tilley, but it relies heavily on exposition through voiceover. This can distance the audience from the emotional impact of her experiences. Instead of having Sabina narrate her story, consider showing her emotions and reactions through her actions and expressions in the flashbacks.
  • The transitions between the different settings (the master's house, the workhouse, and the train station) are somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Consider using visual cues or sound design to bridge these moments more seamlessly.
  • The dialogue, particularly from the Master and his Wife, feels somewhat clichéd and lacks depth. Their lines could be more nuanced to reflect the complexity of their characters and the societal norms of the time. This would make their cruelty feel more impactful and less like a caricature.
  • The use of 'O/S' (off-screen) for Sabina's voiceover is effective, but it might be more engaging to have her physically present in the flashbacks, allowing the audience to see her reactions and emotions as she recounts her story. This would create a stronger connection between her past and present.
  • The scene's pacing could be improved. The rapid shifts between flashbacks may overwhelm the audience. Consider allowing more time for each moment to resonate, particularly during the more emotional beats, such as the moment of smothering her infants.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements to convey Sabina's emotions and experiences, rather than relying solely on voiceover. Show her facial expressions, body language, and interactions with her environment.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the Master and his Wife to reflect their motivations and societal pressures, making them more complex characters rather than one-dimensional antagonists.
  • Consider using a more gradual transition between the different settings, perhaps through a montage or a series of quick cuts that maintain the emotional weight of each moment.
  • Allow Sabina to physically react to the events of her past in the flashbacks, creating a more immersive experience for the audience and deepening their emotional connection to her character.
  • Slow down the pacing during key emotional moments, such as the birth of her twins and the tragic incident of smothering them, to give the audience time to process the gravity of the situation.



Scene 13 -  Tears and Tension
INT. LEWES PRISON, INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

Sabina is crying.

MARSHALL
You loved and cared for those
infants and meant them no harm.

SABINA TILLY
They fought for their lives but it
wasn’t to be.

MARSHALL
The world is angry at the thought
of infanticide but you must rise
above that. You are innocent.

SABINA TILLY
How anyone could kill a child is
unthinkable to me.

Mrs. Shimwell comforts Sabina and takes over.

MRS. SHIMWELL
When the bodies were discovered,
the police quickly linked the box
back to Tilley. She was arrested
within hours and charged with
double infanticide.

Marshall and Newton look like they have a strategy.


INT. SAVOY HOTEL - DAY

Marshall meets Ethel at The Savoy Hotel. They remove their
masks to kiss each other's cheek.

Ethel is radiant and Marshall can’t stop smiling.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
(self-conscious)
What is it?
Afternoon tea is delivered by a UNIFORMED WAITER.

MARSHALL
You are positively glowing.

Ethel puts several sandwiches onto her plate.
21.


ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Am I really?
(to the waiter)
I will have a stiff gin and tonic
and bring my husband one as well.

MARSHALL
Tough day?

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
It is going in that direction.

Marshall takes out the package he bought from Mr Beagle.

MARSHALL
I got you something special.

Ethel opens the package and the box. She takes out the
pendant and inspects it. She looks quizzically.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
What is this?

MARSHALL
Mary Magdalene, the Patron Saint of
women. She will keep you safe.

Ethel holds the pendant whilst deep in thought.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
But wasn’t Magdalene a prostitute?

The Uniformed Waiter delivers the drinks.

MARSHALL
She was the closest of all to Jesus
Christ. She will watch over you.

Ethel quickly drains half the Glass.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
(to the waiter)
Bring me another one.

Ethel shakes pills out of a bottle and throws them in her
mouth. She knocks back her drink.

MARSHALL
What is it?

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I have some news and I don’t want
you to cause a scene.

Marshall takes a deep swig of gin looking Ethel in the eye.

MARSHALL
What could make me make a scene?
22.


Ethel drains the gin as she plucks up the courage.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I am pregnant.

Marshall looks devastated but retains his composure.

MARSHALL
Will the father marry you?

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I expect him to be honourable.

He is a French aristocrat.

MARSHALL
But you are not sure he will?

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
The right moment hasn’t yet
presented itself. We are going away
for the weekend.

MARSHALL
You will need to prepare. There are
things you will need. I will bring
funds to your lodgings next week.

Ethel begins to cry. Marshall is stoical but sheds a tear
when Ethel reaches out to hold his hand.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
What have we become?
Genres: ["Drama","Historical Fiction"]

Summary In the interview room of Lewes Prison, Sabina Tilly expresses her emotional distress over the loss of infants she cared for, while Marshall reassures her of her innocence amidst the context of her arrest for double infanticide provided by Mrs. Shimwell. The scene shifts to the Savoy Hotel, where Marshall meets his wife Ethel, who reveals her pregnancy, leading to a tense exchange as Marshall questions the father's intentions. Ethel's emotional state deteriorates as she takes pills and drinks gin, culminating in a poignant moment of shared sorrow between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reveals and resolutions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with significant revelations and character development, leading to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring sensitive topics like infanticide, pregnancy, and legal defense strategies is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the reveal of Ethel's pregnancy, legal discussions, and emotional turmoil.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected elements, such as the revelation of Ethel's pregnancy and the symbolic significance of the pendant. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character development is strong, especially with Ethel's pregnancy reveal and Marshall's stoic reaction.

Character Changes: 8

Ethel's pregnancy reveal leads to significant character changes and emotional growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Sabina's internal goal is to come to terms with the guilt and trauma of the infanticide she is accused of. This reflects her deeper need for redemption and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to support Ethel through her pregnancy and ensure her well-being. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected news and potential social repercussions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict and emotional turmoil, but the scene is more focused on personal revelations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but not insurmountable, creating tension and conflict without overwhelming the characters. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high emotionally, especially with Ethel's pregnancy reveal and the legal discussions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and personal revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations, such as Ethel's pregnancy and Sabina's emotional turmoil. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of morality, responsibility, and societal expectations. Ethel's pregnancy raises questions about honor, marriage, and social status, challenging traditional values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the reveal of Ethel's pregnancy and the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotional and impactful, revealing deep emotions and personal struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity, dramatic tension, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the conflicts and relationships unfolding on screen.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing information gradually, and allowing for emotional beats to land. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, particularly in the dialogue between Marshall and Sabina. However, the transition from the interview room to the Savoy Hotel feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain the emotional intensity.
  • Sabina's dialogue effectively conveys her sorrow and confusion, but it could benefit from more specificity. For instance, instead of saying 'They fought for their lives but it wasn’t to be,' she could reflect on a specific moment or memory that illustrates her bond with her infants, deepening the audience's emotional connection.
  • Ethel's introduction is striking, but her self-consciousness about her appearance could be expanded to show her internal conflict more vividly. This would create a stronger contrast between her radiant exterior and the turmoil she is experiencing internally.
  • The dialogue regarding the pendant is intriguing, but it could be more impactful if Marshall's explanation of Mary Magdalene's significance was tied more closely to Ethel's current emotional state. This would create a thematic resonance between the pendant's symbolism and Ethel's situation.
  • Ethel's quick consumption of alcohol and pills is a strong visual cue of her distress, but it might be more effective if her actions were accompanied by a brief internal monologue or reflection. This would provide insight into her mental state and the reasons behind her coping mechanisms.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue between the two scenes to signify the emotional weight of Sabina's confession before transitioning to the lighter atmosphere of the Savoy Hotel.
  • Enhance Sabina's dialogue by incorporating a specific memory or moment that illustrates her love for her infants, making her emotional turmoil more relatable and poignant.
  • Expand on Ethel's self-consciousness by including her thoughts about her appearance or her feelings about the pregnancy, creating a deeper emotional layer to her character.
  • Strengthen the connection between the pendant and Ethel's situation by having Marshall relate its significance to her current struggles, perhaps by drawing parallels between Mary Magdalene's story and Ethel's own challenges.
  • Incorporate a brief internal reflection from Ethel as she consumes alcohol and pills, providing the audience with insight into her mental state and the reasons behind her actions, which would enhance the scene's emotional depth.



Scene 14 -  A New Opportunity
INT. MIDDLE TEMPLE HALL - NIGHT

Dining alone in Middle Temple Marshall is happily surprised
to be approached by Forest Fulton, Arthur Newton, Bernie
Lawless, and the eminent SIR CHARLES HALL. QC.

BERNIE LAWLESS
Good evening Marshall.

Marshall waves to the head waiter to bring more wine.

MARSHALL
To what do I owe the pleasure?

FOREST FULTON
Charles has a proposal. Tell him.

Sir Charles sits and pours a glass of port.

SIR CHARLES HALL
I own chambers at three Temple
Gardens and we have a vacancy.
23.


Marshall pours himself a glass.

MARSHALL
I already have chambers with Fulton
and I am happy there.

FOREST FULTON
Charles has far more opportunities
than I could ever offer you.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Three Temple Gardens look after the
legal affairs of the Royal Family
including Prince Edward.

SIR CHARLES HALL
His Majesty was very impressed with
your advocacy at Barings Hall.

Marshall is deep in thought.

MARSHALL
I would have to bring Bernie
Lawless with me or I couldn’t come.

Lawless beams with pride but tries to look neutral.

BERNIE LAWLESS
Sir Charles has clerks of his own.

Marshall and Sir Charles have their eyes locked.

MARSHALL
What do you say?

SIR CHARLES HALL
Deal. Welcome aboard.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Historical"]

Summary In the Middle Temple Hall at night, Marshall is approached by Sir Charles Hall and his colleagues with a proposal for a prestigious vacancy at Sir Charles's chambers, which handle legal affairs for the Royal Family. Although content with his current position, Marshall considers the offer, valuing the greater opportunities it presents. He insists that his loyal colleague, Bernie Lawless, must accompany him if he accepts. After some contemplation, Sir Charles agrees to this condition, marking the beginning of a new chapter in Marshall's career.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Professional atmosphere
  • Career advancement theme
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up a significant development in Marshall's career, showcasing professional dynamics and legal discussions effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Marshall being offered a new opportunity at Three Temple Gardens is intriguing and sets the stage for potential growth and challenges in his legal career.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Marshall is presented with a new career opportunity, adding depth to his character and setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of career advancement and loyalty in the legal profession. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and reflect the complexities of decision-making in a professional setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters interact professionally and collaboratively, showcasing their expertise and relationships in the legal world.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall faces a decision that could potentially lead to significant changes in his career trajectory, showcasing his growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to make a decision about whether to accept Sir Charles Hall's offer to join his chambers. This decision reflects Marshall's desire for career advancement and recognition of his skills as a lawyer.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to secure a position at a prestigious legal chambers, which will provide him with more opportunities and recognition in his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a subtle conflict in Marshall's decision-making regarding the new opportunity, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Marshall must navigate conflicting loyalties and career opportunities that challenge his decision-making.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high as Marshall considers a new career path that could impact his future in the legal world.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new career opportunity for Marshall, setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Marshall's decision is uncertain, and the characters' motivations and loyalties are complex and nuanced.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of loyalty and opportunity. Marshall must decide between staying loyal to his current chambers and colleagues or seizing a new opportunity for career advancement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of professional intrigue and potential growth for Marshall, but emotional depth is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is formal, professional, and engaging, effectively conveying the legal discussions and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes decision for the protagonist and builds tension through negotiation and conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense as Marshall considers Sir Charles Hall's offer and weighs his options.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a legal drama, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the emotional weight of the previous scene, where Marshall and Ethel confront their troubled relationship, to a more professional and opportunistic atmosphere. However, the shift in tone feels abrupt. The emotional stakes established in the previous scene could be better reflected in Marshall's demeanor during this meeting, perhaps by showing him grappling with the implications of his career decisions amidst personal turmoil.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. While it conveys the necessary information about the job offer, it could benefit from more subtext or emotional resonance. For instance, Marshall's reluctance to leave Bernie behind could be explored further, revealing more about their relationship and why it matters to him.
  • The characters of Forest Fulton, Arthur Newton, and Bernie Lawless are introduced but not fully developed in this scene. Their motivations and personalities could be fleshed out through more distinct dialogue or actions, making them feel more integral to the scene rather than just background characters.
  • The stakes of the proposal are not fully articulated. While it's clear that the new position offers more opportunities, the scene could benefit from a clearer articulation of what those opportunities entail and how they might impact Marshall's life and career. This would help the audience understand why this decision is significant.
  • The visual elements of the scene are minimal. Describing the setting of Middle Temple Hall in more detail could enhance the atmosphere and provide context for the characters' interactions. For example, mentioning the ambiance, decor, or even the sounds of the hall could create a richer backdrop for the dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Marshall reflects on his emotional state before engaging in the conversation, perhaps by showing him glancing at a reminder of Ethel or the weight of their last conversation, which would create a more seamless transition between scenes.
  • Enhance the dialogue with subtext that reveals the characters' deeper motivations and feelings. For example, Marshall could express a hint of regret or conflict about leaving his current chambers, which would add complexity to his decision.
  • Develop the supporting characters by giving them unique lines or actions that reflect their personalities and relationships with Marshall. This could involve playful banter or a moment of camaraderie that highlights their history together.
  • Clarify the stakes of the job offer by having Sir Charles elaborate on the specific opportunities available at Three Temple Gardens, perhaps mentioning high-profile cases or connections that would intrigue Marshall.
  • Incorporate more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of Middle Temple Hall, including sensory details that evoke the setting's atmosphere, which would help ground the scene and enhance the audience's immersion.



Scene 15 -  Conspiracy on the Terrace
EXT. HOUSE OF LORDS ROOF TERRACE - DAY

Marshall is with Lords Northcliffe and Labouchere. Abberline
is inbound.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
We wanted to speak to you privately
before Abberline arrives.

LORD LABOUCHERE
We have asked the Home Secretary to
provide a warrant to raid Fleur de
Lis. We would like you to go there
on the night it happens.

Marshall is thinking at speed of all the implications.
24.


LORD NORTHCLIFFE
When we prosecute, having you on
the inside will be invaluable.

MARSHALL
Arthur Newton is a club member. I
could ask him to take me.

LORD LABOUCHERE
Newton has a conflict of interest
since he is Somerset’s solicitor.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Under no circumstances must he know
what is being planned.

Marshall nods as Abberline arrives.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
The body found in the Thames is
Dublin Jack. He was last seen in
the custody of Judas Fox.

LORD LABOUCHERE
How the hell did Somerset’s man get
his hands on him?

Abberline looks sheepish.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Fox told my Sergeant Somerset would
return him to his family in Paris.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
The scale of crimes Somerset is
involved in is sinister.

LORD LABOUCHERE
We must act now regardless of how
it impacts the Royal Family.

MARSHALL
I now have an interest in that
impact on the Royal Family.

LORD LABOUCHERE
Once you arrest Somerset, I must
apologise in the House of Lords to
all of the victims beginning with
the Dubois family.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Did you get me my warrant to raid
the club, my Lord?
25.


LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Yes, you have your warrant. We are
treading a fine line between
preventing crime and precipitating
social insurrection.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary On the roof terrace of the House of Lords, Marshall meets Lords Northcliffe and Labouchere to discuss a plan to raid the Fleur de Lis club, armed with a warrant. Inspector Abberline arrives with news of Dublin Jack's body found in the Thames, raising suspicions about Somerset's criminal ties. The group debates the moral and political ramifications of arresting Somerset, particularly concerning the Royal Family's reputation, while emphasizing the need to keep their plans secret from Arthur Newton. The scene is charged with tension and urgency as they prepare to act.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a compelling storyline with high stakes. The dialogue is well-crafted and drives the narrative forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a conspiracy involving the Royal Family, a murder investigation, and political maneuvering is intriguing and sets the stage for a complex and layered plot.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate, with multiple storylines converging to create a web of mystery and suspense. The scene advances the overarching plot significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex political and criminal plot with nuanced characters and ethical dilemmas. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' motivations effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting motivations add depth to the scene. The tension between them drives the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and revelations set the stage for potential transformations in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to navigate the complex political and criminal landscape while protecting his own interests and reputation. This reflects his need for survival and success in a dangerous environment.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to assist in the raid on Fleur de Lis and gather information to prosecute criminals. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing loyalty and duty.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as characters navigate their alliances, secrets, and conflicting agendas.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and hidden agendas creating obstacles for the characters. The uncertainty of the characters' loyalties adds to the tension and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters involved in a conspiracy that could have far-reaching consequences for the Royal Family and the investigation into the murder.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, advancing the investigation, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, hidden agendas, and unexpected revelations. The characters' actions and decisions keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between upholding justice and maintaining social order. The characters must decide whether to prioritize the law or stability, which challenges their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern to determination, as the characters grapple with the unfolding events and their implications.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing key information and building tension between the characters. It effectively conveys the complex relationships and conflicting interests at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intricate plot, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information, keeping the audience invested in the characters' decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's intensity and complexity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The action is described concisely, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a political thriller, with clear character motivations and escalating tension. The dialogue is well-paced and reveals key information smoothly.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency regarding the raid on the Fleur de Lis club, but it could benefit from deeper character motivations. While the dialogue conveys the stakes, exploring Marshall's internal conflict about his involvement could add emotional depth.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks distinct character voices. Each character's speech patterns and vocabulary could be more differentiated to enhance their individuality and make the scene more engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the discussion of the raid to the arrival of Inspector Abberline. A moment of silence or a brief pause could heighten the tension and allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The stakes regarding the Royal Family's involvement are mentioned but not fully explored. Providing a clearer connection between the raid and the potential fallout for the Royal Family would heighten the stakes and create a more compelling narrative.
  • The scene ends somewhat abruptly after the mention of the warrant. A stronger closing line or moment could leave the audience with a lingering sense of tension or anticipation, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Marshall to express his concerns or hesitations about the raid, which would provide insight into his character and heighten the stakes.
  • Differentiate the characters' dialogue by incorporating unique phrases or speech patterns that reflect their backgrounds and personalities, making it easier for the audience to distinguish between them.
  • Introduce a moment of silence or a visual cue (like a change in the weather or a distant sound) before Abberline arrives to build anticipation and emphasize the seriousness of the conversation.
  • Expand on the implications of the raid for the Royal Family by including a line or two that hints at the potential consequences, making the stakes feel more immediate and personal for the characters involved.
  • End the scene with a more impactful line or action that encapsulates the tension, such as a visual of the city below or a foreboding comment from one of the characters, to leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 16 -  Tension and Celebration
INT. SCOTLAND YARD INCIDENT ROOM - DAY

Abberline is pacing and not in a good way.

Lilly Fortune and Lord Northcliffe arrive on cue.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Thank you for coming. Two more
girls are missing from the scene of
Catherine Eddowes’s murder.

LILLY FORTUNE
No one reported them until now.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
They are Scythe. Each parent
thought they had gone to the
other's house for sanctuary.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
You need to work out a press
strategy.

LILLY FORTUNE
If we print this as being connected
to Jack he may panic and kill them.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
This one doesn’t panic.


EXT. CLEVELAND STREET - NIGHT

A dozen Police Paddy Wagons move quietly up Cleveland Street.
Four others carry men and equipment including long ladders.


EXT. FLEUR DE LIS CLUB - NIGHT

From the sounds coming from within the beautifully lit
building, the club is doing brisk business tonight with most
of the upper-floor bedroom windows illuminated.


INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, GAMES ROOM - NIGHT

A crowd watches as the roulette wheel spins. Marshall has a
stack of chips on seven red. Newton is excited.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Go on. Go on.
26.


The wheel slows as the ball bounces in SLO-MO around the
perimeter before it wantonly trickles into seven red.

CROWD
YES!

A huge cheer goes up for Marshall’s win. A huge pile of
distinctive blue chips are handed over.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Inspector Abberline expresses his distress over two more missing girls linked to the murder of Catherine Eddowes, while Lilly Fortune warns against alarming the public and Lord Northcliffe proposes a press strategy. The scene highlights the urgency of the situation and the conflicting need for media management. As police wagons mobilize quietly, the atmosphere shifts to the Fleur de Lis Club, where a crowd celebrates a roulette win, contrasting the earlier tension.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Engaging plot twists
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple subplots
  • Some characters may need further development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines multiple genres and tones, creating a compelling and engaging narrative. The high stakes, tension, and character dynamics contribute to a strong overall rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes gambling scene intertwined with police investigation and social dynamics is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively blends these elements to create a complex and intriguing narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension driving the narrative forward. The introduction of new challenges and revelations keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the Jack the Ripper narrative by focusing on the investigative and psychological aspects of the case. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene. Each character has a distinct personality and role within the narrative, contributing to the overall dynamics of the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts between the characters hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to solve the case of the missing girls and catch Jack the Ripper, reflecting his need for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the press strategy effectively to prevent Jack the Ripper from panicking and potentially harming the missing girls.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and creating tension. The high stakes of the gambling game, the police investigation, and the social dynamics all contribute to the intense conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints on the press strategy and the looming threat of Jack the Ripper's actions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the gambling game, the police investigation, and the social dynamics add intensity and suspense to the scene. The characters are faced with significant risks and challenges, raising the stakes and keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and revelations. The high stakes and tension keep the audience engaged and eager to see how the narrative will unfold.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the uncertain outcome of the press strategy and the ongoing investigation, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the need for transparency in the press strategy and the fear of provoking Jack the Ripper's violent tendencies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to humor and intrigue. The characters' struggles and conflicts add depth to the narrative, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and realistic, capturing the tension and dynamics between the characters. The mix of serious and humorous tones adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high tension, moral dilemmas, and fast-paced dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by immediately addressing the gravity of the situation with the missing girls, which is crucial given the context of the Jack the Ripper murders. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository and lacks emotional depth. For instance, Abberline's line about the missing girls could convey more urgency or despair to reflect the weight of the situation.
  • Lilly Fortune's warning about the press strategy is a critical point, but it could benefit from more dramatic stakes. Instead of simply stating the risk of panic, she could express a personal connection to the victims or a past experience that makes this situation particularly haunting for her, thereby deepening her character and the emotional stakes.
  • The transition from the incident room to the exterior scenes is abrupt. While it serves to shift the focus to the police action, it could be smoother. Consider adding a line or two that connects the urgency of the conversation to the actions outside, perhaps by having Abberline or Lilly comment on the police mobilization as a direct response to their discussion.
  • The description of the Fleur de Lis Club is visually rich, but it could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere inside. For example, mentioning the sounds of laughter, clinking glasses, or the smell of smoke could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The slow-motion effect during the roulette scene is a creative choice that adds drama, but it may feel out of place if not properly foreshadowed or thematically linked to the preceding dialogue. Ensure that the stakes of the gambling scene resonate with the tension of the missing girls, perhaps by having Marshall's win symbolize a fleeting moment of joy amidst the chaos.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the dialogue by incorporating more personal stakes for the characters, particularly for Abberline and Lilly, to make their concerns feel more immediate and relatable.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a shared look between the characters after discussing the missing girls, which could emphasize their shared burden and the gravity of the situation.
  • Smooth the transition between the incident room and the exterior scenes by including a line that connects the urgency of their discussion to the police mobilization, reinforcing the sense of action and consequence.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the description of the Fleur de Lis Club to create a vivid atmosphere that contrasts with the tension of the previous scene, enhancing the viewer's immersion.
  • Ensure that the slow-motion effect during the roulette scene is thematically linked to the preceding dialogue, perhaps by framing it as a moment of distraction or false hope amidst the grim realities of the investigation.



Scene 17 -  The Raid at Fleur-de-Lis Club
EXT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, POLICE CARRIAGE - NIGHT

Abberline hears the cheers outside as he steps down.

The Police paddy Wagons are in place and POLICEMEN are now
holding ladders up towards the windows of the Fleur De Lis.


EXT. FLEUR DE LIS CLUB, CLEVELAND STREET - NIGHT

TWO CONSTABLES are hidden in shadows close to the entrance.

A Solicitors Clerk, JOHN WILKINS arrives and is quickly
allowed inside.


INT. FLEUR DE LIS CLUB, GAMES ROOM - NIGHT

Wilkins looks around the room until he sees Newton and
Marshall who are still gambling at the roulette wheel.

He hurries over and grabs Newton.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Steady on Wilkins. What’s wrong?

Wilkins draws Newton close and discreetly tells his news.


EXT. FLEUR DE LIS CLUB, CLEVELAND STREET - NIGHT

Abberline checks his watch. He signals to Cunningham who is
in charge of logistics.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Get ready. Stand by..stand by..NOW!

Simultaneously, ladders are thrown up long enough to reach
the upper floors.

The POLICE ASSAULT TEAM smashes the front door open and then
follows Cunningham who begins coordinating arrests.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary As cheers erupt from the crowd outside the Fleur-de-Lis Club, Inspector Abberline signals Sergeant Cunningham to prepare for a police raid. Solicitor's clerk John Wilkins discreetly informs Arthur Newton of urgent news while the police assault team breaks down the front door, ready to execute arrests. The scene is tense and urgent, culminating in the dramatic entry of the police into the club.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Engaging plot development
  • Well-defined characters
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character depth in some minor roles
  • Limited exploration of emotional nuances in certain interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, suspense, and dramatic moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a police raid on a secretive club adds excitement and intrigue to the scene, setting up a high-stakes situation that drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with the police raid serving as a pivotal moment in the story, leading to significant developments and escalating the conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to a police operation narrative, with detailed descriptions and character interactions that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions and reactions add depth to the scene, showcasing their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience shifts in their perspectives and actions during the scene, particularly in response to the unfolding events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and ensure the success of the police operation without any mishaps. This reflects his need for order and authority in his job.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the criminals inside the club and execute the police operation smoothly. This reflects the immediate challenge of capturing the suspects without any escape.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the police raid creating a high-stakes situation that tests the characters' resolve and relationships.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the criminals inside the club posing a significant challenge to the protagonist's goal of apprehending them.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing imminent danger and the outcome of the police raid having far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and developments that propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the police operation, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between law and order versus criminal activity. The protagonist's beliefs in upholding the law are challenged by the criminal activities happening inside the club.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to concern and anxiety, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and high stakes of the situation while also revealing character dynamics and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, detailed descriptions, and character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the police operation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest in the unfolding events of the police operation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful police operation, with clear progression and effective pacing to build tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the celebratory atmosphere of the Fleur-de-Lis Club with the impending police raid. However, the transition between the excitement of the gambling and the seriousness of the police operation could be more pronounced to heighten the stakes.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which can be effective in creating a sense of urgency, but it may also lead to a lack of character development. Adding a line or two that reveals the characters' emotions or thoughts about the raid could enhance the scene's depth.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the ladders and the police assault team, is strong, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the cheers, the atmosphere inside the club, or the tension among the police could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the gambling to the raid. Slowing down the moment when Abberline checks his watch and signals Cunningham could build anticipation and allow the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • The character of John Wilkins is introduced but not fully utilized. Expanding on his role or providing context for his urgency could make his presence more impactful and clarify his importance in the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue between Newton and Marshall that reflects their awareness of the raid, which could create a sense of foreboding and deepen their characters.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the crowd, the clinking of chips, or the tension in the air as the police prepare to raid.
  • Slow down the pacing during the transition to the raid. Allow Abberline's actions to linger for a moment to build suspense before the police action begins.
  • Provide more context for John Wilkins' character and his urgency. Perhaps include a line that hints at the gravity of the news he brings, making his role in the scene more significant.
  • Consider using a visual motif, such as contrasting the bright lights of the club with the dark shadows of the police, to symbolize the clash between the two worlds and enhance the thematic elements of the scene.



Scene 18 -  A Night of Secrets
EXT. FLEUR DE LIS, LADDER, BEDROOM FLOOR - NIGHT

UNIFORMED POLICE ascend the ladders to get to the rooms.
27.


They peer inside to gather evidence of sex crimes.


INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, BEDROOM FLOOR - NIGHT

Hearing the noise, the voyeuristic Somerset jumps out of bed.

The TEENAGE BOY and GIRL continue to have sex.

A banging at the door scares the life out of the three of
them before they hear a voice.

ARTHUR NEWTON
My Lord, open the door right now.

Somerset slowly draws back the new bolt on the door. He opens
it to reveal it is Newton.

ARTHUR NEWTON (CONT'D)
(to the teenagers)
Get dressed.


EXT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, BEDROOM FLOOR - NIGHT

A SERGEANT looks into the window and sees the naked TEENAGE
BOY and GIRL trying to get dressed.

They are all unaware they are being observed by Police
perched on the top of ladders.


INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, BEDROOM FLOOR - NIGHT

Newton immediately shuts the curtains and takes out a wallet.

He hands over cash to the teenagers’.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Ten pounds each. Do not speak to
the Police or anyone else, Got it?

The teenagers nod as Newton lets them out of the door.

LORD SOMERSET
What is happening?

ARTHUR NEWTON
The Prime Minister sent word of
Abberline's raid but the message
only just arrived. You are to leave
the country tonight.

Somerset is perplexed but knows he must escape. He opens a
camouflaged wooden panel.
28.


LORD SOMERSET
The original Tudor building has a
myriad of priest holes.

Somerset secrets himself inside.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Stay hidden. This will blow over.

Somerset locks it from the inside. He is safe. For now.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary As police raid the Fleur de Lis club investigating sex crimes, Lord Somerset is startled while observing a teenage couple. Arthur Newton arrives to warn them, offering cash for silence and urging Somerset to escape. In the chaos, Somerset hides in a secret compartment as the teenagers hurriedly dress, creating a tense atmosphere filled with urgency and danger.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Intrigue
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for minor characters
  • Some predictable elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a high-stakes situation and a sense of urgency. The use of hidden compartments and secret passages adds an element of mystery and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character attempting to escape a police raid using hidden compartments and secret passages is well-executed and adds depth to the storyline. The scene effectively conveys the danger and urgency of the situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Lord Somerset's attempt to evade a police raid at the Fleur-de-Lis Club, adding tension and suspense to the overall narrative. The use of hidden compartments and secret passages enhances the plot and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of deception and evasion, with unique characters and a tense situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Lord Somerset and Arthur Newton, are well-developed and play crucial roles in the unfolding events. Their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Lord Somerset undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from a position of power and privilege to one of vulnerability and desperation as he attempts to escape capture. His actions and decisions reflect this change in character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape the impending danger and avoid getting caught by the police. This reflects his fear of being exposed and his desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to leave the country before the police catch him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of evading law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Lord Somerset must outwit the police and escape capture. The tension between the characters, the urgency of the situation, and the risk of discovery create a sense of suspense and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and obstacles that keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as Lord Somerset's freedom and reputation are on the line. The risk of capture, the urgency of the situation, and the potential consequences of discovery create a sense of tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. Lord Somerset's escape attempt sets the stage for future developments and adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between morality and self-preservation. The characters must decide whether to do the right thing and face the consequences or protect themselves at the expense of others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, suspense, and concern for Lord Somerset's safety. The high-stakes nature of the situation and the characters' reactions contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with characters speaking in a direct and commanding manner. The dialogue between Lord Somerset and Arthur Newton adds depth to their characters and drives the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and dramatic dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the police raid with the intimate moment between the teenagers, creating a sense of urgency and danger. However, the voyeuristic aspect of Somerset's character could be explored further to enhance his motivations and the stakes involved.
  • Arthur Newton's character is portrayed as both authoritative and somewhat morally ambiguous, which is intriguing. However, his actions of bribing the teenagers could be better justified or explored to avoid making him seem overly opportunistic without a clear rationale.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth. For instance, Somerset's confusion about the situation could be expanded to show his fear or desperation, which would make the stakes feel more personal and immediate.
  • The visual elements, such as the police on ladders and the teenagers trying to dress, create a vivid picture, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing sounds, smells, or the atmosphere could enhance immersion.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the teenagers' panic to Somerset's hiding. Slowing down the moment when Somerset enters the hidden compartment could heighten the tension and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or reactions from Somerset to provide insight into his character and heighten the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Explore the teenagers' perspectives more deeply. How do they feel about being caught? What are their thoughts on Newton's offer? This could add layers to their characters and the situation.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the urgency and fear of the situation. For example, Newton could express more concern for the teenagers' safety or urgency in his tone.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the police outside, the tension in the air, or the physical sensations of the characters to draw the audience in.
  • Consider extending the moment when Somerset hides to build suspense. Describe the sounds of the police approaching, his frantic thoughts, and the physicality of him squeezing into the compartment to create a more gripping moment.



Scene 19 -  Shadows of Exploitation
EXT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, LIVESTOCK QUARTERS - NIGHT

Abberline takes a lamp and goes to the rear of the property.

It is where carriages are parked and various coachmen are
smoking and gossiping about the raid.

A door opens and a YOUNG GIRL sticks her head out. She is
about eleven or twelve years old.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Hello there, what’s your name?

The YOUNG GIRL immediately slams the door shut and we hear
the sound of an attempt to lock it.

Abberline shoulder barges the door. He holds up the lamp.


INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, GAMES ROOM - NIGHT

Suddenly, Marshall realises the raid is in full swing as a
dozen uniformed officers swarm the club.

Another five men run up the central staircase which leads to
the accommodation floors.

The roulette and other gaming tables are folded over and now
look like regular dining tables. The police are oblivious.


INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, LIVESTOCK QUARTERS - NIGHT

Abberline's lamplight reveals rows of single beds like a
public school dormitory or an army barracks.

Various children and teenagers. Boys and girls all mixed in
together. The youngest is maybe nine. The oldest sixteen.

A group of SIX UNIFORMED TEENAGE BOYS stand around smoking.
The uniforms are of the Telegram Company delivery boys.

An internal door opens and a woman enters. This is SIAN
HANSON (32) and she acts as a pimp for the brothel.
29.


SIAN HANSON
(reads from a list)
I have a customer for two girls no
older than thirteen.

The Young Girl we saw earlier steps forward grabbing her
FRIEND as she does so.

YOUNG GIRL
We are twelve but we look younger.

Sian Hanson examines the two girls.

SIAN HANSON
His Lordship prefers flat-chested
girls. Yes, you’ll do.

She looks over at the Telegram Boys.

SIAN HANSON (CONT'D)
Also, I need three muscular boys.
Step out and let me have a look.

The Telegram Boys line up. Sian Hanson looks them up and
down. She holds up a lamp as she moves down the line.
SIAN HANSON (CONT'D)
Smile. I need to see your teeth.

The Telegram Boys expose their open mouths. Several have
rotten teeth. She chooses the three least worst.

SIAN HANSON (CONT'D)
Go upstairs and see Mr Hammond. You
are to be joining a very important
person tonight.

The Telegram Boys move out as Sian Hanson notices Abberline.

SIAN HANSON (CONT'D)
Customers can’t just book the
livestock directly dear. Mr Charles
Hammond at reception, he will put
you right.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
No one told me.

Sian Hanson rolls her eyes.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Historical"]

Summary Inspector Abberline investigates the Fleur-de-Lis Club, uncovering a disturbing scene in the livestock quarters where children and teenagers are being exploited. He encounters a frightened young girl and confronts Sian Hanson, a cold pimp who selects children for clients. Despite Abberline's attempts to assert his authority, Sian dismisses him, indicating he must go through Mr. Hammond for further inquiries, leaving the dark reality of exploitation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of dark subject matter
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Compelling exploration of societal issues
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some characters could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a dark and intense atmosphere, delving into a disturbing subject matter with skillful execution.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the underbelly of society through the lens of child prostitution is compelling and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the police raid the Fleur-de-Lis Club, revealing the darker side of the characters' world.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and disturbing take on the theme of child exploitation, with authentic dialogue and actions that add to the authenticity of the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the unfolding events add depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters are faced with moral challenges and decisions that could potentially lead to personal growth or downfall.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover and stop the child prostitution ring operating in the club. This reflects his deeper desire to protect the vulnerable and innocent, as well as his fear of the darkness that exists in society.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence and make arrests related to the illegal activities in the club. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dismantling the criminal operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between law enforcement and criminal activities, as well as the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and moral dilemmas that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the exposure of criminal activities, the safety of the children involved, and the moral integrity of the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the darker aspects of the characters' world and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations about the criminal activities in the club, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between morality and corruption. The protagonist's beliefs in justice and protecting the innocent are challenged by the criminal activities he uncovers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions due to the disturbing subject matter and the characters' reactions to it.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and darkness of the scene, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a morally complex situation that keeps the audience on edge, wondering how the protagonist will navigate the challenges he faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and revealing key information about the criminal activities in the club.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere as Inspector Abberline investigates the Fleur-de-Lis Club, but it could benefit from deeper character development. Abberline's motivations and emotional state during this investigation are not fully explored, which could enhance the audience's connection to him.
  • The introduction of Sian Hanson as a pimp is impactful, but her character could be fleshed out further. Providing her with a distinct personality or backstory would make her more memorable and add depth to the scene.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat functional and lacks subtext. For instance, Sian's lines could convey more about her character's attitude towards her work and the situation at hand. Adding layers to the dialogue can create a more engaging interaction.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the beds and the children, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Incorporating sounds, smells, and textures would immerse the audience further into the environment.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The transition from Abberline's initial encounter with the young girl to the chaos of the raid could be smoother. Consider using shorter, punchier sentences during the action to heighten tension and urgency.
Suggestions
  • Add internal monologue or emotional reactions from Abberline to provide insight into his character and the weight of the situation he is facing.
  • Consider giving Sian Hanson a more distinct voice or mannerisms that reflect her character's background and attitude towards her role in the brothel.
  • Revise the dialogue to include subtext or emotional undertones, allowing characters to convey more than what is explicitly stated.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere, such as the sounds of the club, the smell of smoke, or the texture of the beds.
  • Smooth out the pacing by using varied sentence lengths and structures, especially during the transition from Abberline's investigation to the chaos of the raid.



Scene 20 -  Chaos at the Fleur-de-Lis Club
INT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB, UPPER CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Police Officers are now bringing OLDER MEN downstairs under
“soft” arrest. The prostitutes they were with are in cuffs.
30.


Newton sees Charles Hammond strike a POLICEMAN, bloodying his
nose. The Officer grabs him and they struggle around the
floor.

A disheveled Charles Hammond is arrested by Abberline.

ABBERLINE
You are under arrest for assault.
Where is Somerset?

CHARLES HAMMOND
You have the marauding army and the
warrant. You find him.

Newton cringes and explains to Abberline.

ARTHUR NEWTON
Fred you know I am Somerset’s
solicitor. I give you my word I
have not seen him here tonight.

Abberline doesn’t look as confident now.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Really. My Sergeant did see him.
With a boy and a girl. When I find
him I will arrest his Lordship.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the upper corridor of the Fleur-de-Lis Club at night, police officers arrest older men and their accompanying prostitutes. Charles Hammond violently resists arrest, striking a policeman before being subdued by Inspector Abberline, who questions him about Somerset's whereabouts. Arthur Newton, Somerset's solicitor, claims he hasn't seen Somerset, but Abberline reveals that his Sergeant has spotted Somerset with a boy and a girl, indicating that Somerset will be arrested when found. The scene is tense and chaotic, highlighting the urgency of the police's pursuit of Somerset.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Compelling plot advancement
  • Emotional impact
  • Tense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on Somerset's role and motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, filled with conflict, and moves the story forward significantly. The high stakes and emotional impact make it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a police raid at a club involved in sex crimes adds depth to the storyline and raises the stakes for the characters. The introduction of Somerset as a mysterious figure adds intrigue and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the police raid and the search for Somerset. The conflict between the characters adds layers to the story and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the protagonist's role as a solicitor, the corrupt actions of his client, and the ethical dilemmas he faces. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions during the raid reveal their motivations and relationships. Somerset's mysterious presence adds a new dynamic to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes as they navigate the intense situation of the police raid. Their actions and decisions reveal new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his client, Somerset, and maintain his reputation as his solicitor. This reflects his loyalty, integrity, and sense of duty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Abberline of his innocence and prevent Somerset's arrest. This goal is driven by the immediate threat of legal consequences and the need to protect his client.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, especially regarding the search for Somerset and the police raid, is intense and drives the scene forward. The tension is palpable and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing legal consequences, moral dilemmas, and personal risks. The outcome of the police raid and the search for Somerset have profound implications for the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, advancing the plot, and setting up future developments. The search for Somerset and the outcome of the police raid have far-reaching implications for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the shifting power dynamics, and the moral ambiguity of the situation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loyalty, justice, and morality. The protagonist must navigate his ethical obligations as a solicitor while also confronting the corrupt actions of his client.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to suspense and intrigue. The characters' reactions and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and confrontational, reflecting the high-stakes situation of the police raid. It effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's struggles and the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted in a standard screenplay format, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the chaotic atmosphere of the police raid, but it could benefit from more vivid descriptions of the setting and the characters' emotions. For instance, describing the sounds of the struggle or the expressions on the faces of the arrested men could enhance the reader's immersion.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly Abberline's lines. While it's important to convey the situation, consider incorporating more subtext or conflict in the dialogue to reveal character motivations and relationships. For example, Hammond's defiance could be more layered, showing his desperation or fear rather than just resistance.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The transition from the struggle to Abberline's arrest of Hammond feels abrupt. Adding a moment of reflection or a brief pause could heighten the tension and allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Newton's role as Somerset's solicitor is introduced, but his character could be fleshed out further. What are his stakes in this situation? Adding a line or two that reveals his internal conflict or concern for Somerset could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While there is physical conflict, the emotional stakes for the characters involved are not fully explored. Consider adding a moment where Abberline's frustration or determination is highlighted, perhaps through internal thoughts or a brief flashback that informs his current actions.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights of the club during the raid to draw the reader in.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and emotional depth. Allow characters to express their motivations and fears more subtly, rather than relying on straightforward exposition.
  • Consider adding a moment of tension or hesitation before Abberline arrests Hammond, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the decision and the stakes involved.
  • Develop Newton's character further by including a line that reveals his personal stakes in Somerset's situation, which could add depth to his interactions with Abberline and Hammond.
  • Incorporate a brief moment of reflection for Abberline after the arrest, allowing the audience to see his internal struggle or determination, which could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 21 -  Confrontation of Integrity
EXT. FLEUR-DE-LIS CLUB - NIGHT

Abberline escorts Charles Hammond off the premises and places
him alongside other prisoners in a Paddy Wagon.

Marshall watches as police wagons move off.

Newton speaks to Judas Fox and Somerset's driver.


INT. THREE TEMPLE GARDENS CHAMBERS - MARSHALL’S ROOMS - DAY

Sir Gordon Cummings SOLICITOR holds up a copy of the Daily
Sketch with a story entitled “Cummings Card Cheat”.

SOLICITOR
How can this be tolerated?

Cummings is upset. He has been publicly accused of cheating.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
That snake Northcliffe has repeated
this libellous story and I am going
to sue him into the Poor House.

MARSHALL
You will need deep pockets. Lord
Northcliffe will take no prisoners.
31.


SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
He isn't a real aristocrat. He was
only made a Lord because his
newspapers influence public opinion
on behalf of whoever pays the most.

MARSHALL
And now the public is influenced to
think you are a card sharp.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
Prepare a defamation suit on my
behalf. I can win this.

MARSHALL
You can’t win if the story is true.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
You are paid to take any client
that can afford you. A mouthpiece
who will say what I tell you too.

SOLICITOR
Steady on Sir Gordon.

MARSHALL
The difficulty you have Cummings is
that I watched you cheating at
Baring Hall against the Prince of
Wales. You are not very good at it.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
(self-entitled)
That’s simply not true. I can win.

MARSHALL
If you sue Northcliffe not only
will I represent him for free, I
will give sworn evidence that you
are a crooked bastard. Close the
door on your way out.

SIR GORDON CUMMINGS
(raised voice)
You will regret this Marshall.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Marshall's chambers, Abberline escorts Charles Hammond to a Paddy Wagon, while Sir Gordon Cummings confronts Marshall over a defamatory article accusing him of cheating. Cummings demands a defamation suit against Lord Northcliffe, but Marshall challenges him, revealing he witnessed Cummings cheating. The confrontation escalates, with Cummings threatening Marshall as he storms out in anger, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled conflict
  • Revealing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a significant conflict that will likely have repercussions. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' motivations effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a defamation case and the power struggle between characters is well-executed. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the defamation case and the revelation of cheating. It adds layers to the characters and sets up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on legal drama with historical elements, showcasing authentic character interactions and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicting interests. Their interactions drive the scene forward and create tension.

Character Changes: 7

Sir Gordon Cummings faces the threat of exposure and potential legal consequences, which may lead to character development. Marshall's defiance and determination are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

Sir Gordon Cummings' internal goal is to protect his reputation and prove his innocence. This reflects his deeper need for validation and respect in society.

External Goal: 7

Sir Gordon Cummings' external goal is to sue Lord Northcliffe for defamation and clear his name in the public eye. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with false accusations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Sir Gordon Cummings and Marshall is intense and sets the stage for a legal battle. The power struggle and deceit add layers to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marshall challenging Sir Gordon Cummings' integrity and forcing him to confront his own actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the threat of a defamation lawsuit, potential exposure, and power dynamics at play. The characters' reputations and futures are on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a defamation case, setting up a legal battle, and revealing deceit. It adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and unexpected revelations about the characters' motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception. Marshall's accusation of cheating challenges Sir Gordon Cummings' values and beliefs about his own integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, defiance, and seriousness, but the emotional impact is not overwhelming. It sets the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' true intentions. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue and high stakes, keeping the audience invested in the characters' conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for impactful character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Marshall and Sir Gordon Cummings, showcasing their conflicting interests and personalities. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes and emotional weight of the confrontation. Currently, it feels somewhat straightforward and lacks the layered complexity that could elevate the conflict.
  • Cummings' characterization as a self-entitled aristocrat is clear, but his motivations could be further developed. Why is he so adamant about suing Northcliffe? Adding a line or two that reveals his deeper fears or insecurities could make him a more relatable and compelling character.
  • Marshall's response to Cummings is strong, but the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two scenes, allowing the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation before diving into the heated exchange.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. Consider varying the rhythm and pacing to create a more engaging back-and-forth. For instance, incorporating interruptions or overlapping dialogue could heighten the tension and reflect the chaotic nature of their confrontation.
  • The setting of Marshall's chambers is mentioned but not utilized to its full potential. Describing the environment in more detail could enhance the atmosphere and provide visual cues that reflect the characters' emotional states. For example, the state of the room could mirror the tension between them.
Suggestions
  • Introduce subtext in the dialogue to reveal deeper motivations and emotions. For example, Cummings could express a fear of losing his status or reputation, which would add layers to his insistence on suing Northcliffe.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Marshall after the previous scene, allowing him to process the implications of the police raid before engaging with Cummings. This could be a visual cue, such as him looking out a window or pacing the room.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating interruptions or overlapping lines to create a more dynamic and realistic exchange. This would reflect the heightened emotions and urgency of the situation.
  • Utilize the setting of Marshall's chambers more effectively by describing the environment in a way that reflects the tension between the characters. For instance, clutter or disarray in the room could symbolize the chaos of their confrontation.
  • Consider adding a moment where Marshall's internal conflict is revealed, perhaps through a brief inner monologue or a physical reaction, to deepen the audience's connection to his character during this confrontation.



Scene 22 -  Desperate Plea
INT. THREE TEMPLE GARDENS CHAMBERS - CLERKS ROOMS - NIGHT

Marshall approaches Bernie Lawless.

MARSHALL
Bernie, I need some cash. Family
emergency.

Lawless looks up. This isn’t like Marshall.
32.


BERNIE LAWLESS
Of course sir. I have a bit in the
safe. How much do you need?

MARSHALL
Give me a hundred guineas and knock
it off what I am owed at the end of
the month.

BERNIE LAWLESS
A hundred? That's a lot of money.

Marshall is between exploding and crying.

MARSHALL
Ethel is in trouble. I must help.

Bernie opens the safe and starts counting the money out.

BERNIE LAWLESS
If you are sure.

MARSHALL
(annoyed)
Just give me the money without
another word.

Lawless gives Marshall the cash.

Marshall storms out not covered in glory.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene at the Three Temple Gardens Chambers, Marshall urgently approaches Bernie Lawless for a hundred guineas to address a family emergency. Despite his usual composure, Marshall's distress is palpable, prompting Lawless to hesitate over the large sum. After a brief moment of concern, Lawless reluctantly acquiesces to Marshall's demands, leading to a frustrated exit as Marshall storms out, leaving an air of unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Focused on internal struggle

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and emotional turmoil, drawing the audience in with Marshall's unexpected request for money to help his wife. The tension and frustration are palpable, making it a compelling moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family emergency and the internal struggle Marshall faces in asking for help adds depth to his character and explores the theme of sacrifice for loved ones.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Marshall's personal life intersects with his professional world, setting up potential conflicts and character development. The scene adds layers to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a character in need of financial assistance, but adds a unique twist with Marshall's emotional turmoil and the clash of values between the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Marshall's character is fleshed out further, showing a different side to his usually composed self. Bernie Lawless also demonstrates loyalty and concern for Marshall's well-being.

Character Changes: 8

Marshall undergoes a significant change in this scene, revealing a more vulnerable side to his character that adds depth and complexity. This moment could potentially shape his future actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 9

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to help his family member Ethel who is in trouble. This reflects his deeper need to protect and support his loved ones, as well as his fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 8

Marshall's external goal is to obtain cash from Bernie Lawless to help his family member Ethel. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in needing financial assistance quickly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Marshall grapples with his emotions and the need to ask for help. This adds tension and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bernie Lawless' hesitation and Marshall's desperation creating a compelling conflict that drives the action forward. The audience is unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are primarily personal in this scene, the emotional weight of Marshall's plea for help adds a sense of urgency and importance to the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a personal crisis for Marshall that could have repercussions on his professional life. It sets up potential conflicts and developments that will impact the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting values and emotions of the characters, creating uncertainty about the outcome of their interaction. The audience is left wondering how Marshall and Bernie Lawless will resolve their differences.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marshall's sense of duty and urgency to help his family member Ethel, and Bernie Lawless' hesitation due to the large sum of money involved. This challenges Marshall's values of family loyalty and the importance of immediate action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Marshall's vulnerability and desperation resonate with the audience, eliciting empathy and drawing them further into the character's journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Marshall's desperation and Lawless's concern, adding depth to their relationship and revealing more about their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, clear character motivations, and the sense of urgency driving the action. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue attribution and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and a progression of tension leading to a resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Marshall's desperation and urgency, which is crucial given the context of Ethel's situation. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by providing more background on Ethel's troubles, allowing the audience to empathize with Marshall's plight more deeply.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and lacks the natural flow that would enhance the tension. For instance, Marshall's abruptness could be more nuanced to reflect his emotional turmoil rather than just annoyance. This would make his character more relatable and complex.
  • Bernie Lawless's character comes off as somewhat passive in this scene. While he is concerned about the amount of money, his responses could be more dynamic to reflect the gravity of the situation. Adding a line that shows his own concern for Ethel or his relationship with Marshall could deepen their connection.
  • The visual elements of the scene are minimal. Describing the setting in more detail could enhance the atmosphere. For example, mentioning the dim lighting, the cluttered desk, or the tension in the air could help set the mood and reflect Marshall's mental state.
  • The ending feels abrupt and lacks a strong emotional impact. Instead of simply stating that Marshall 'storms out not covered in glory,' consider adding a moment of reflection or a physical action that symbolizes his emotional state, such as hesitating at the door or looking back at Bernie with regret.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at Ethel's troubles, which would provide context for Marshall's urgency and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext. For example, instead of Marshall simply demanding the money, he could express a moment of vulnerability that reveals his fear or guilt about Ethel's situation.
  • Enhance Bernie Lawless's character by giving him a line that shows his concern for both Marshall and Ethel, which would create a more supportive dynamic between the two characters.
  • Add descriptive details about the setting to create a more immersive experience for the audience. This could include sensory details that reflect the tension in the room, such as the sound of ticking clocks or the smell of old books.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more poignant moment, such as Marshall pausing at the door, reflecting on his choices, or a line that encapsulates his emotional turmoil, leaving the audience with a stronger sense of his internal conflict.



Scene 23 -  A Night of Moral Dilemmas
EXT. KINGS BENCH WALK - NIGHT

Marshall is wandering down to Wilton’s to get drunk. He has
had enough of today.

Druit’s carriage sits outside his chambers. His driver is
called DEVIZES.

MARSHALL
Mr Devizes, how are you?

Devizes tips his hat to Marshall.

As he passes chambers the door opens and out comes Druit with
a redhead. This is MARY JANE KELLY (22) and she is fire.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Marshall, where are you going?
Fancy a drink with me tonight?

Marshall smiles. Good old Monty.

MARSHALL
Yes, yes I really would.

Druit hands Mary Jane some cash for her trouble.
33.


MONTAGUE DRUIT
Take this Mary. I have to go.

MARY JANE KELLY
Take me with you. We can have fun
with your friends too if you like.

Mary tries to kiss him. Druit grabs her wrists.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Not lips. Never lips. Go away.

Marshall watches as Mary walks off in a huff.

MARSHALL
You hurt her feelings, Monty.

Druit has a disturbing look in his eye.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
I have needs but afterwards...

The coach driver shouts over.

MR DEVIZES
Begging your pardon Mr Druit, will
I be needed any more tonight?

Druit looks annoyed his socialising might be restrained.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Yes, I need you until I don’t.

MR DEVIZES
Very good sir.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
What would you like to do Marshall?

Marshall has a pang of guilt but he is Druit’s servant.

MARSHALL
What would be most helpful is that
I take this money to Ethel at her
boarding house in Fitzrovia.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Yes, let’s do that. Then afterwards
we can drink the night away.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Marshall encounters Montague Druitt outside a bar, where Druitt dismisses Mary Jane Kelly after a brief interaction, leaving her upset. Despite his concern for Mary, Marshall feels compelled to assist Druitt in delivering money to Ethel before they go drinking. The scene is set against a dark, moody backdrop, highlighting the tension between Druitt's unsettling demeanor and Marshall's moral conflict.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt action
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a tense and melancholic tone, delving into the characters' inner turmoil and hinting at potential conflicts and revelations. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' hidden desires, guilt, and emotional turmoil in a dark and secretive setting is intriguing and sets the stage for compelling storytelling.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as characters interact and reveal their inner struggles and desires. The scene sets up potential conflicts and hints at future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the Victorian-era setting by exploring themes of loyalty, morality, and class dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each harboring secrets and inner conflicts. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and hint at future character development.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters show hints of inner turmoil and potential for change, especially in their interactions and emotional revelations. There is room for further character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his loyalty to his employer, Montague Druit, while also feeling guilt and conflict over the treatment of Mary Jane Kelly. This reflects his deeper need for approval and belonging, as well as his fear of losing his job or disappointing Druit.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deliver money to Ethel at her boarding house in Fitzrovia. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his job duties and loyalty to Druit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying tension and potential for conflict in the scene, especially in the characters' hidden desires and interactions. The conflicts are more internal and emotional rather than overtly physical.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, moral dilemmas, and power struggles between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the interactions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, there is an underlying tension and potential for conflicts and revelations that could have significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important character dynamics, setting up potential conflicts, and hinting at future developments. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further plot progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected character choices. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between loyalty and morality. Marshall must balance his loyalty to Druit with his moral compass, as seen in his reaction to Druit's treatment of Mary Jane Kelly.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of sadness, guilt, and regret through the characters' inner turmoil and emotional revelations. It creates an intimate and emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics, inner thoughts, and emotions. It sets the tone for the scene and hints at future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and complex character relationships. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing character motivations, and maintaining a sense of suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and emotional turmoil for Marshall, who is seeking solace in alcohol after a distressing day. However, the transition from his emotional state to the interaction with Druitt feels abrupt. A brief internal monologue or reflection could enhance the audience's understanding of Marshall's mindset as he encounters Druitt.
  • Druitt's character is intriguing, but his dialogue lacks depth. The line 'Not lips. Never lips. Go away.' feels overly abrupt and could benefit from additional context or a more nuanced delivery to convey his complex nature. This would help to establish him as a more layered character rather than a one-dimensional figure.
  • The introduction of Mary Jane Kelly is compelling, but her character could be fleshed out further. Providing a glimpse into her motivations or feelings about her situation would create a stronger emotional connection with the audience. As it stands, she appears more as a plot device than a fully realized character.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Druitt lacks tension. Given the context of Marshall's distress and Druitt's unsettling demeanor, the conversation could be more charged. Adding subtext or conflict in their exchange would heighten the stakes and engage the audience more effectively.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial interaction is quick, but the subsequent dialogue drags slightly. Streamlining the exchanges or adding more dynamic action could maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Marshall at the beginning of the scene to provide insight into his emotional state and motivations for seeking alcohol.
  • Revise Druitt's dialogue to add complexity and depth, perhaps by hinting at his troubled past or his conflicting desires, which would make him a more compelling character.
  • Flesh out Mary Jane Kelly's character by including a line or two that reveals her perspective or feelings about her interaction with Druitt, making her more relatable and multidimensional.
  • Introduce more tension in the dialogue between Marshall and Druitt by incorporating subtext or conflict, perhaps by having Marshall question Druitt's intentions or express concern for Mary.
  • Adjust the pacing by tightening the dialogue and incorporating more physical actions or reactions from the characters to keep the scene dynamic and engaging.



Scene 24 -  Betrayal and Defense
EXT. FITZROVIA BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT

Druit looks down from his carriage as Marshall waits for the
door to be answered.

Hermione Grandt opens the door. She is in a dressing gown.
34.


HERMIONE GRANDT
Yes, what do you want?

Marshall holds an envelope with Ethel’s cash.

MARSHALL
I have come to see my wife.

Suddenly the penny drops.

HERMIONE GRANDT
Ah, it’s Marshall, isn’t it? Ethel
isn’t home right now.

Marshall doesn’t like to be lied to.

MARSHALL
When they get out of bed tell Ethel
I will call again assuming she
still needs my help.

HERMIONE GRANDT
I’ll tell her.


INT. DRUIT’S CARRIAGE - NIGHT

As the carriage pulls away, Druit notices a naked Ethel in a
bedroom. A few seconds later a naked man kisses her.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
You know the more I think about
her, the more I think Ethel is a
whore who should be punished for
what she has done to you.

Marshall is stunned.

MARSHALL
Don’t ever say that Monty.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
She is a married woman pregnant by
another man. What else would you
have me call her?

Marshall is seeing a different side to Druit recently.


INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, UNDERGROUND CELLS - DAY

Sabina Tilley is being housed beneath the courtroom.

Marshall and Charlie Gill give her a final pep talk.

SABINA TILLEY
I am so scared.
35.


CHARLIE GILL
We are trying to get a medical
expert to support your case.
Marshall has family that may help.

MARSHALL
If I can’t get a doctor for free, I
will approach the local newspaper
to try to raise funds from the
public in support of your defence.

SABINA TILLEY
Do newspapers do that?

CHARLIE GILL
They never have so far.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Marshall visits the Fitzrovia boarding house to find his wife Ethel but is misled by Hermione Grandt about her whereabouts. Meanwhile, Montague Druit witnesses Ethel in a compromising situation, leading to a confrontation with Marshall, who defends her despite Druit's harsh judgment. The scene shifts to the Brighton Assizes, where Sabina Tilley expresses her fears about her trial, prompting Marshall and Charlie Gill to discuss their efforts to secure a medical expert for her defense, underscoring the themes of betrayal and the struggle for justice.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Certain scenes may be too disturbing for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, revealing crucial information about the characters and their relationships. The disturbing elements add depth to the narrative and keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering hidden truths and exploring the characters' dark secrets is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of human nature and the consequences of deception.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly, with revelations about the characters' motivations and actions. The scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on marital infidelity and societal expectations, presenting complex characters with conflicting beliefs and values.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced personalities and conflicting emotions. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience significant changes in their perceptions and relationships, particularly Marshall and Druit. Their interactions reveal new facets of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his wife and defend her honor, reflecting his deep love and commitment to her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support Sabina Tilley's defense and find a medical expert to help her case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with characters facing internal and external challenges. Betrayal, infidelity, and deception create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing personal and professional challenges that could have far-reaching consequences. Betrayals, revelations, and conflicts raise the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the characters' arcs. It advances the narrative in a compelling way.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and moral conflicts that challenge the characters' beliefs and values.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to one's spouse and societal expectations of morality. Druit's view of Ethel as a 'whore' challenges Marshall's belief in her innocence and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, sorrow, and shock. The characters' struggles and revelations resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' true intentions and feelings. It effectively conveys the tension and emotion present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Marshall's concern for Ethel with Druitt's callous remarks. However, the transition between the two settings (the boarding house and the carriage) feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • Druitt's characterization as a manipulative figure is clear, but his dialogue could be more nuanced. Instead of outright calling Ethel a 'whore,' consider using language that implies his disdain without being so overt. This would allow for a more subtle exploration of his character and the complexities of the situation.
  • Marshall's reaction to Druitt's comments is appropriate, but it could be more emotionally charged. Given the gravity of the situation, a more visceral response from Marshall would heighten the stakes and showcase his internal conflict more effectively.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Hermione feels somewhat stilted. While it serves the purpose of conveying information, it lacks a natural flow. Consider incorporating more subtext or emotional undertones to make the exchange feel more authentic.
  • The scene shifts abruptly to the Brighton Assizes without a clear connection to the previous events. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two scenes, maintaining the audience's engagement and understanding of the narrative progression.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Marshall hesitates before responding to Druitt, showcasing his internal struggle with the situation and his feelings for Ethel.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the scene by incorporating physical actions or reactions from Marshall, such as clenching his fists or pacing, to visually represent his distress.
  • Revise Druitt's dialogue to be more suggestive rather than explicit. For example, he could imply Ethel's betrayal without directly labeling her, which would create a more complex dynamic between the characters.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or a pause after Druitt's comment to allow the weight of his words to sink in, giving Marshall a chance to process the shock before responding.
  • Consider using a visual motif, such as the contrast between the warmth of the carriage and the coldness of the boarding house, to symbolize the emotional distance between Marshall and Ethel, enhancing the thematic depth of the scene.



Scene 25 -  A Rainy Encounter
EXT. WHITFIELD STREET, FITZROVIA - NIGHT

From the POV of an UNSEEN OBSERVER, we see Ethel walking
through the empty, rain-swept streets carrying an umbrella.

The Unseen Observer moves quickly towards Ethel when she is
about to turn into Newman’s Yard to get to Charlotte Street.

Suddenly Ethel senses something is wrong and stops.

The Observer does not stop and is upon Ethel in seconds.

Hands go onto her shoulders next to her neck.

Ethel screams as loud as she can.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
(struggling)
Aaaggghhhhh let me go!

Ethel turns around to look into the eyes of her “attacker”.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Ethel, I thought it was you. I did
shout over. Are you alright?

The look of relief on Ethel’s face is palpable.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Monty. Oh, God, I thought you were.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
You are shaken up. Let’s go to the
Charlotte Street Hotel for a drink.
I have my carriage. Come on...

A very relieved Ethel initially yields and steps forward with
Druit towards the carriage. She suddenly becomes nervous.
36.


ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Is Marshall not with you?

MONTAGUE DRUIT
I believe he is in Brighton. Murder
trial. Double murder as it happens.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Oh God how awful.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Yes, a silly girl decided to murder
her two newborn babies.

Ethel looks shocked as Druit hisses in condemnation.

MONTAGUE DRUIT (CONT'D)
A lot of that about at the moment.

Ethel is not sure what to make of this erratic behaviour.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Why don’t we wait until Marshall is
back and we can all go for a drink
together? I would like that.
Druit turns to stare at Ethel.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Marshall doesn’t ever want to see
someone like you again.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
What do you mean by that?

MONTAGUE DRUIT
A fallen angel. But I will see you.
I like bad girls like you.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
You really wouldn’t know about
loving relationships because you
haven’t had one. If you had you
would realise there are things
between couples that defy any sort
of external scrutiny.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
I have relationships. Lots of them.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Paying for affection doesn’t count.

She sees he isn’t being supportive, Druit has evil intent.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL (CONT'D)
Goodbye, Monty. I hope we won’t be
seeing each other again.
37.


Druit is now aboard the carriage.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
You might hope not.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ethel walks alone on a rainy night when Montague Druitt surprises her from behind, initially causing her panic. After recognizing him, they discuss her partner Marshall's absence due to a murder trial. However, Druitt's unsettling comments make Ethel uncomfortable, leading her to firmly reject his advances and express her desire to end their interaction.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals important character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dark encounter in a rainy street adds a sense of mystery and danger to the scene, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Druit's true intentions towards Ethel are revealed, adding complexity to the character relationships and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique conflict between the characters and explores themes of love and relationships in a fresh way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ethel and Montague Druit are well-developed in this scene, with their conflicting emotions and motivations adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Ethel experiences a shift in her perception of Druit, realizing his true intentions and asserting her boundaries, leading to potential character growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ethel's internal goal is to assert her independence and self-worth in the face of Montague Druit's disrespectful behavior and advances.

External Goal: 7

Ethel's external goal is to avoid Montague Druit's unwanted advances and maintain her dignity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ethel and Druit is palpable, with underlying tension and sinister undertones driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations between the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the tense encounter between Ethel and Druit, with the potential for danger and betrayal looming over their interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Ethel's belief in love and genuine relationships versus Druit's shallow and transactional view of affection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, with fear, relief, and shock evoked in both characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the escalating conflict between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the suspenseful atmosphere and the conflict between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure that builds tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and a sense of danger with the initial perspective of the Unseen Observer, creating an engaging hook. However, the transition from suspense to relief feels abrupt when Ethel realizes it is Montague Druitt. This shift could be smoothed out to maintain the emotional impact.
  • Druitt's character is portrayed as unsettling, but his dialogue lacks the depth needed to fully convey his sinister nature. Phrases like 'I like bad girls like you' come off as cliché and could benefit from more nuanced language that reflects his manipulative tendencies.
  • Ethel's response to Druitt's advances is strong, showcasing her intelligence and self-awareness. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included more emotional weight or personal stakes, making her rejection of Druitt feel more significant.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial tension builds well, but the subsequent dialogue exchange lacks urgency, which diminishes the overall impact. The scene could benefit from tighter dialogue and quicker pacing to maintain the tension throughout.
  • The setting of the rain-swept streets adds to the atmosphere, but it could be further utilized to reflect Ethel's emotional state. Descriptive elements that tie the weather to her feelings could enhance the scene's emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Ethel before she recognizes Druitt, which could heighten the suspense and make her relief more poignant.
  • Revise Druitt's dialogue to be more subtle and psychologically manipulative, reflecting his character's complexity and making his intentions clearer without being overt.
  • Enhance Ethel's rejection of Druitt by incorporating a personal anecdote or a more emotional response that highlights her strength and the stakes involved in her decision.
  • Tighten the dialogue to create a more rapid-fire exchange that maintains the tension and urgency throughout the scene, especially after the initial reveal of Druitt.
  • Incorporate more sensory details related to the rain and the environment to deepen the emotional connection between Ethel's feelings and the setting, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 26 -  A Plea for Justice
INT. SUSSEX DAILY NEWS, EDITORS OFFICE - DAY.

Marshall is looking for help from editor CHRISTIAN INFIELD.

MARSHALL
I am here to ask you to consider
setting up a public defence fund
for Sabina Tilley.

CHRISTIAN INFIELD
Sabina is a local girl. I know we
have had letters of support from
hundreds of readers. What exactly
do you suggest?

MARSHALL
I have spoken with Sabina and I can
tell you that in exchange for
financial help, we can give your
readers access to her life story.

CHRISTIAN INFIELD
If an appeal went in tomorrow’s
edition what would it say?

Marshall plots out a narrative. Infield writes it down.

MARSHALL
The prisoner’s chances of acquittal
are reduced by one half when that
person is unrepresented and with no
expert help. It only needs that
every reader of this sad story of
Sabina Tilley should contribute to
this defence fund so that this
young country girl, deeply wronged
as she has been, should be
carefully and properly defended at
her trial.

CHRISTIAN INFIELD
That will secure public donations.
Would five thousand pounds help?

Marshall is taken aback.

MARSHALL
That would pay for medical experts
and the other witnesses.
38.


CHRISTIAN INFIELD
Your idea of newspapers funding
defence cases in exchange for
exclusive stories is revolutionary.

MARSHALL
Hundreds of brutal executions take
place simply because the accused
cannot afford a defence lawyer.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Historical"]

Summary In the editor's office of the Sussex Daily News, Marshall approaches Christian Infield to propose a public defense fund for Sabina Tilley, a local girl on trial. He argues that financial support is crucial for her legal representation and could provide a compelling story for readers. Intrigued, Infield engages in the discussion and ultimately agrees to contribute £5,000 to the fund, recognizing the ethical implications and the potential impact of the narrative. The scene concludes with Marshall expressing gratitude for Infield's support, paving the way for the next steps in securing the defense fund.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Innovative concept
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, introduces a unique concept, and sets up a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of setting up a public defence fund in exchange for exclusive stories is innovative and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the public defence fund concept and the potential financial support for Sabina Tilley's case.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of legal defence by exploring the idea of newspapers funding defence cases in exchange for exclusive stories. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Marshall and Christian Infield, show depth and emotion in their interactions.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of the public defence fund concept could lead to future developments.

Internal Goal: 9

Marshall's internal goal is to secure financial help for Sabina Tilley's defence fund in exchange for exclusive access to her life story. This reflects his desire to help someone in need while also advancing his career as a journalist.

External Goal: 8

Marshall's external goal is to convince Christian Infield to set up a public defence fund for Sabina Tilley. This reflects the immediate challenge of securing financial support for Sabina's legal defence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and societal rather than overtly dramatic, focusing on the struggle for justice and support.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Marshall faces resistance from Christian Infield in his proposal to set up a public defence fund. The outcome of their negotiation is uncertain, adding to the scene's tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Sabina's fate hangs in the balance, and the introduction of the public defence fund could change the course of her trial.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new concept and potential support for Sabina Tilley's case.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new and unexpected idea of newspapers funding defence cases, challenging the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of newspapers funding defence cases in exchange for exclusive stories. This challenges traditional notions of journalism ethics and raises questions about the role of media in legal matters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the plea for help and the revolutionary idea of public defence funding.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, emotional, and drives the scene forward with a sense of urgency.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes negotiation between the characters, with clear goals and obstacles that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a clear progression of events that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. This enhances the readability and clarity of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Marshall's urgency and determination to help Sabina Tilley, which is crucial for character development. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight to convey the stakes involved in Sabina's situation. Currently, it feels somewhat procedural and lacks the tension that could elevate the scene.
  • Christian Infield's character comes across as somewhat passive in this scene. While he does express interest in the idea, his responses could be more dynamic to reflect the gravity of the situation. Adding a layer of skepticism or concern about the implications of funding a defense could create a more engaging conflict between him and Marshall.
  • The exposition regarding the public defense fund and its implications is informative, but it could be woven into the dialogue more naturally. Instead of having Marshall lay out the facts in a straightforward manner, consider incorporating more back-and-forth dialogue that reveals the information through their interaction, making it feel less like a pitch and more like a conversation.
  • The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the storytelling. Describing the office environment, Infield's demeanor, or Marshall's physical state could add depth and help the audience visualize the tension and urgency of the moment.
  • The transition from Marshall's previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A brief moment reflecting on his emotional state or the weight of his previous interactions could provide a smoother transition and reinforce his motivations.
Suggestions
  • Infuse the dialogue with more emotional stakes by having Marshall express his personal connection to Sabina's plight, perhaps referencing his own family or experiences that resonate with her situation.
  • Give Infield a more active role in the conversation by having him challenge Marshall's proposal with tough questions or concerns, which would create a more dynamic exchange and heighten the tension.
  • Consider breaking up the exposition with more character-driven dialogue. For example, have Infield share his own doubts or experiences with the justice system, allowing Marshall to respond with passion and urgency.
  • Incorporate visual details that reflect the mood of the scene, such as the clutter of the office, the expressions on the characters' faces, or the sounds of the bustling newsroom outside, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Add a brief moment of reflection for Marshall at the beginning of the scene, perhaps showing him taking a deep breath or glancing at a photo of his family, to ground his motivations and provide continuity from the previous scene.



Scene 27 -  A Tragic Testimony
INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, COURTROOM - DAY

The courtroom is noisy and packed to the rafters.

Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu are in the press box.

USHER
All those concerned in Crown -v-
Sabina Tilley be known.

MR JUSTICE HIGHFIELD is a Circuit Judge and happily so.

FOREST FULTON
My Lord, Forest Fulton for the
Crown, and my learned friends Mr
Gill and Marshall appear for the
prisoner Sabina Tilley.

MR JUSTICE HIGHFIELD
Call your first witness Mr Fulton.

FOREST FULTON
I call Police Inspector Munn.

Munn is sworn in.

INSPECTOR MUNN
...truth and nothing but the truth.

FOREST FULTON
Please tell the Jury the
circumstances of Tilley's arrest.

INSPECTOR MUNN
Sabina Tilley got herself pregnant
and gave birth in the workhouse.
She had outstayed her welcome and
was asked to leave.

The Jury is listening intently.

FOREST FULTON
What do we know happened then?

INSPECTOR MUNN
Tilley went to shelter in the
railway station.
(MORE)
39.

INSPECTOR MUNN (CONT'D)
She found a train carriage to get
warm which is where she killed the
infants.

The public gallery immediately takes against Tilley.

INSPECTOR MUNN (CONT'D)
Their tiny bodies were put in a
shoebox which unbeknown to Tilley
had her name on it. The box was
found by shocked passengers.

FOREST FULTON
She had previously worked in
London.

INSPECTOR MUNN
Yes, she returned to get her old
job back telling her employer the
babies hadn’t survived childbirth
and she wanted her life back again.

Everyone in court stares at Tilley with hostility.

FOREST FULTON
No more questions my Lord.
Marshall rises.

MARSHALL
“She got herself pregnant”. Is she
the Virgin Mary or was there a
father involved as well?

INSPECTOR MUNN
She told me the Master of the house
she was a maid in was the father.

MARSHALL
She was seventeen when her master
blackmailed her into sex. She lost
her job and gave birth in the
workhouse. Is that right?

INSPECTOR MUNN
After a few days, the Workhouse was
full and she was asked to leave.

MARSHALL
You say she sought shelter at the
train station but from what?
INSPECTOR MUNN
There had been heavy snowfall that
day and most of the night.

The Jury is putting the story into context.
40.


MARSHALL
She found a carriage to feed and
protect her babies from pneumonia.
In doing so accidentally smothered
them. Isn’t that possible?

Munn stops to think for a moment.

INSPECTOR MUNN
Yes, that is one explanation.

MARSHALL
She couldn’t afford a funeral. All
she had was her old life to go back
to.

INSPECTOR MUNN
Yes, I suppose you would need that
in the circumstances.

One nil to Marshall who sits. Fulton stands.

FOREST FULTON
Call Doctor Augustus Piper.

Marshall sees Lilly and Xing leave the court.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Courtroom Drama"]

Summary In a tense courtroom at Brighton Assizes, Police Inspector Munn testifies about the tragic circumstances surrounding Sabina Tilley's arrest, revealing her desperate situation after giving birth in a workhouse and seeking shelter in a train carriage where her infants accidentally suffocated. The prosecution, led by Forest Fulton, portrays Tilley as a negligent mother, while defense attorney Marshall argues that her actions were a tragic accident stemming from her dire circumstances. The emotional atmosphere is charged as the jury and public react to the unfolding testimony, culminating in Marshall's questioning before the next witness is called.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy exposition

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional weight of the trial, engaging the audience with its intricate legal arguments and moral dilemmas.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the circumstances leading to Sabina Tilley's arrest and the conflicting narratives presented in court is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as new details about Sabina's past and the events leading to the trial are revealed, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on a legal drama by exploring the complexities of a controversial case and presenting conflicting narratives that challenge the audience's expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Marshall and Inspector Munn, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and beliefs, enhancing the scene's depth.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the audience gains a deeper understanding of the motivations and beliefs of Marshall and Inspector Munn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to defend Sabina Tilley and uncover the truth behind her actions. This reflects the protagonist's desire for justice and fairness in the legal system.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prove Sabina Tilley's innocence or mitigate her charges. This reflects the immediate challenge of defending a controversial and emotionally charged case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the prosecution and defense, as well as the societal judgment faced by Sabina Tilley, creates a tense and dramatic atmosphere in the courtroom.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and emotional stakes driving the conflict. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the case and the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the trial, both for Sabina Tilley and for the moral integrity of the legal system, create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about Sabina Tilley's past and the events leading to her trial, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting perspectives, unexpected revelations, and moral ambiguity surrounding the case. The audience is kept on their toes as new information is revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, morality, and empathy. The defense attorney challenges the prosecution's narrative by presenting a different perspective on Sabina Tilley's actions, highlighting the complexities of human behavior and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as the audience is drawn into the personal struggles and moral dilemmas faced by the characters, particularly Sabina Tilley.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and serves to highlight the contrasting viewpoints of the prosecution and defense, as well as the emotional turmoil of the characters involved.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting perspectives, and moral dilemmas presented. The audience is drawn into the legal proceedings and emotionally invested in the outcome of the case.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, allowing for moments of reflection and contemplation, and advancing the plot through dialogue-driven exchanges. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of a courtroom setting, with proper scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear delineation of characters, dialogue-driven exchanges, and a focus on presenting evidence and arguments.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the courtroom setting and the tension surrounding Sabina Tilley's trial. The dialogue is sharp and serves to highlight the contrasting perspectives of the prosecution and defense, particularly through Marshall's questioning of Inspector Munn.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth. While the facts of the case are presented clearly, the emotional stakes for Sabina Tilley and her situation could be more vividly conveyed. This would help the audience connect with her plight on a deeper level.
  • The use of the courtroom as a setting is appropriate, but the scene lacks visual descriptions that could enhance the atmosphere. Describing the expressions of the jury, the reactions of the public gallery, and the physical layout of the courtroom could create a more immersive experience.
  • Marshall's questioning of Inspector Munn is effective in challenging the prosecution's narrative, but it could be strengthened by incorporating more emotional appeals or personal anecdotes that illustrate the gravity of Sabina's situation. This would make his defense more compelling.
  • The transition between the prosecution and defense could be smoother. The abrupt shift from Munn's testimony to Marshall's questioning feels a bit jarring. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge this gap.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more emotional language in the dialogue to convey the gravity of Sabina's situation and the impact of the trial on her life. This could involve adding lines that express her fear, desperation, or hope.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the courtroom and the characters' reactions. For example, describe the expressions of the jury as they listen to Munn's testimony or the tension in the public gallery as they react to the unfolding events.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a pause after Munn's testimony to allow the weight of his words to sink in for both the characters and the audience. This could heighten the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief flashback or a visual representation of Sabina's past to provide context for her actions. This could help the audience empathize with her and understand the circumstances that led to her trial.
  • Ensure that the dialogue flows naturally between characters. Adding transitional phrases or reactions from other characters could create a more cohesive and engaging exchange.



Scene 28 -  Tensions Rise at the Brighton Assizes
INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, ENTRANCE HALL - DAY

Lilly has caught up with Inspector Munn and is trying to get
an interview.

LILLY FORTUNE
It sounded to me like you now
accept the infants might have been
killed accidentally.

Lilly is poised to take his statement.

INSPECTOR MUNN
When Marshall cross-examines your
brain interprets his words as fact.

LILLY FORTUNE
This is a very important case. In
the end, you did feel empathy
towards her, didn't you?

Inspector Munn nods.

INSPECTOR MUNN
She was a mother before she
finished being a child herself.
41.


INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, COURTROOM - DAY

Doctor Piper is giving evidence.

FOREST FULTON
Do you agree Doctor, the infants
were smothered by a bitter young
woman eager to return to her social
life in London without burden?

DOCTOR PIPER
If her motivation was the
restoration of her life before
pregnancy that would have made
smothering the infants easier.

Fulton sits. Marshall is on his feet lightning fast.

MARSHALL
Always so eager to please Doctor.
Are you saying a young mother who
carried twins full term would be
eager to destroy them to get back
to her five shillings a week
working in a Fulham shoe shop?

Doctor Piper starts stuttering.

DOCTOR PIPER
What I meant was that in the
freezing cold of night, seeing that
the infants were unlikely to
survive she may have been motivated
to let nature take its course.

MARSHALL
You have no evidence for that
assertion. Sabina could have
abandoned them in the station and
left them to be found by someone
who could feed and clothe them.
Those babies died accidentally.

The Judge sees Marshall is emotional.

JUDGE HIGHFIELD
We will recess for today.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Crime"]

Summary In the entrance hall of the Brighton Assizes, Lilly Fortune confronts Inspector Munn about the case of the infants' deaths, seeking to understand his evolving empathy towards the mother involved. In the courtroom, Doctor Piper testifies about the motivations behind the alleged smothering, but faces aggressive cross-examination from Marshall, who argues the deaths were accidental. The emotional intensity escalates, prompting Judge Highfield to call for a recess, leaving the courtroom filled with unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some stuttering in Doctor Piper's testimony
  • Limited exploration of other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional depth of a courtroom trial, engaging the audience with its dramatic dialogue and confrontational exchanges.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the trial of Sabina Tilley and the debate over the circumstances of the infants' deaths, is well-executed and compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene, centered around the courtroom drama and the conflicting perspectives on the case, is engaging and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by delving into the psychological motivations of the characters and challenging traditional notions of guilt and innocence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Marshall and Doctor Piper, are well-developed and contribute to the tension and emotional depth of the trial.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall's emotional outburst and confrontational stance in the courtroom indicate a shift in his character, revealing his deep investment in the case and his empathy for Sabina Tilley.

Internal Goal: 8

Lilly's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the case and understand the motivations of the characters involved. This reflects her desire for justice and her need to make sense of the complexities of human behavior.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to conduct an interview with Inspector Munn and gather information for her investigation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in obtaining crucial evidence for the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene, both internal and external, is intense and drives the emotional and narrative tension of the trial proceedings.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters presenting conflicting viewpoints and challenging each other's beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the case, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the trial, including the fate of Sabina Tilley and the moral implications of the case, add intensity and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by advancing the trial proceedings, deepening the conflict, and revealing new layers of the characters' motivations and emotions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and the revelation of new information that challenges the audience's assumptions about the case.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral implications of the case, with different characters presenting contrasting views on the motivations behind the infants' deaths. This challenges Lilly's beliefs about justice and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting empathy, tension, and a sense of tragedy from the audience as the characters navigate the complexities of the trial.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the conflicting viewpoints and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and suspense created by the characters' conflicting perspectives and the moral dilemmas at the heart of the case. The dialogue exchanges keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the intensity of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of the screenplay format, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. This enhances the readability and clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear transitions between the different settings and a focus on the legal proceedings. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of a courtroom drama, showcasing the conflicting perspectives on Sabina Tilley's case. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Lilly's questions could reveal her personal investment in the case beyond mere journalism, which would deepen her character and make her interactions with Inspector Munn more compelling.
  • Inspector Munn's responses feel somewhat flat and could be more nuanced. His initial dismissal of Lilly's question about empathy lacks depth. Adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict could make his character more relatable and complex, showing that he grapples with the moral implications of the case.
  • The transition between the entrance hall and the courtroom is abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help the audience understand the shift in setting and the emotional weight of moving from a personal conversation to the public scrutiny of the courtroom.
  • Marshall's defense of Sabina is passionate, but it risks coming off as overly dramatic without sufficient buildup. Incorporating more of his internal struggle or a moment of vulnerability could make his argument more impactful and relatable, allowing the audience to connect with his motivations.
  • The Judge's decision to call for a recess feels somewhat abrupt and could be better foreshadowed. A line or two indicating the emotional intensity in the courtroom prior to the recess could enhance the dramatic effect and provide a clearer emotional arc for the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding layers to Lilly's character by showing her personal stakes in the case, perhaps through a brief flashback or a line that hints at her own experiences with motherhood or loss.
  • Revise Inspector Munn's dialogue to include more internal conflict or hesitation, making him a more complex character who struggles with the implications of his testimony.
  • Introduce a visual or auditory cue to signify the transition from the entrance hall to the courtroom, such as the sound of the gavel or the murmur of the crowd, to enhance the scene's flow.
  • Incorporate a moment of vulnerability for Marshall before he delivers his passionate defense, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a glance at Sabina, to ground his emotional response.
  • Foreshadow the Judge's decision to call for a recess by including a line that reflects the growing tension in the courtroom, allowing the audience to anticipate the emotional climax of the scene.



Scene 29 -  Betrayal on the Terrace
EXT. THE GRAND HOTEL TERRACE, BRIGHTON - NIGHT

Marshall, Lilly, Newton, and Gill have finished dinner.

Newton lights Marshall’s cigar.
42.


LILLY FORTUNE
I was watching the jury. You have
at least half of them. Another
couple are wavering towards you.

A BELL BOY comes over.

BELL BOY
Telegram for Charles Gill.

Charlie takes it and tips the boy.

CHARLIE GILL
It’s from Bernie. The defamation
trial is resuming. It’s back to
London for me.

ARTHUR NEWTON
It’s a good thing you let Marshall
take the lead on this one Charlie.

Gill and Newton get up.

CHARLIE GILL
I’ll buy you a drink before I go.

ARTHUR NEWTON
You don’t have to ask me twice.

Marshall indicates towards his cigar.

MARSHALL
We will take our brandy out here.

Gill and Newton are already gone.

LILLY FORTUNE
Once this is over I want Sabina’s
story. I know I can do it justice.

Marshall reaches for his drink not fully engaged.

MARSHALL
I am otherwise committed to that.

LILLY FORTUNE
(quizzically)
I don’t follow. What do you mean?

MARSHALL
I was struggling for defence funds
and the local paper agreed to pay.

Lilly now looks angry.

LILLY FORTUNE
Did you sell the story without
giving Northcliffe first refusal?
43.


Marshall looks like he hopes he won’t regret that decision.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary On the terrace of the Grand Hotel in Brighton, tensions rise after dinner as Lilly confronts Marshall about selling Sabina's story without consulting her. While a bellboy delivers a telegram to Charlie Gill, prompting his departure for London, Lilly expresses her frustration at Marshall's decision, feeling betrayed. The scene captures the emotional conflict between Lilly and Marshall, set against the backdrop of a seemingly serene night.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Ethical dilemmas
  • Tension between characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new conflict and raises the stakes for the characters involved. The dialogue is sharp and reveals underlying tensions, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of selling a story to fund a defense adds depth to the narrative and explores the ethical implications of such actions. It introduces a moral dilemma that challenges the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as new conflicts arise, particularly regarding the defamation trial and the decision to sell Sabina's story. The scene sets up future developments and adds layers to the characters' motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh ethical dilemmas and complex character relationships, adding authenticity and depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' conflicting priorities and ethical dilemmas are well portrayed, adding depth to their personalities. The tension between Marshall and Lilly hints at future conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the conflicts and dilemmas presented hint at potential transformations in the future. The tension between characters sets the stage for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to navigate the legal and social challenges he is facing while maintaining his reputation and integrity. This reflects his need for validation and success in his career.

External Goal: 7.5

Marshall's external goal is to handle the defamation trial and maintain his position in society. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, particularly regarding the decision to sell Sabina's story and the tension between characters. The stakes are raised as new dilemmas emerge.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters grapple with ethical dilemmas, personal motivations, and the outcome of the defamation trial. The decisions made in this scene have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dilemmas, setting up future plot developments. It adds depth to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' hidden motivations and the ethical dilemma that adds tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of selling a story without giving the first refusal to a specific party. This challenges Marshall's values and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of anger, concern, and hope, particularly in the interactions between characters. The ethical dilemmas presented resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing the characters' motivations and inner conflicts. It drives the scene forward and sets up future confrontations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension following a courtroom recess, but it could benefit from deeper emotional engagement. Marshall's nonchalant response to Lilly's desire for Sabina's story feels dismissive, which may not resonate with the audience given the gravity of the situation. This could be an opportunity to explore Marshall's internal conflict more thoroughly.
  • Lilly's anger is a pivotal moment, yet it lacks a strong visual or emotional cue to emphasize her feelings. The dialogue could be enhanced with more subtext or physical reactions that convey her frustration and disappointment, making her character's motivations clearer.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly with the transition from the telegram delivery to the conversation about the story. This could be smoothed out by allowing for a moment of reflection or reaction from the characters, which would help build tension and anticipation.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a distinct voice for each character. While Marshall's response is straightforward, it could be more nuanced to reflect his character's complexity and the stakes involved. Similarly, Lilly's dialogue could be sharpened to reflect her determination and frustration more vividly.
  • The setting of the Grand Hotel terrace is visually appealing, but the scene does not fully utilize this backdrop. Incorporating more sensory details about the environment—such as the sounds of the night, the ambiance of the hotel, or the weather—could enhance the atmosphere and provide a richer context for the characters' emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a reflective pause after the telegram delivery to allow characters to process the news before moving on to the conversation about the story.
  • Enhance Lilly's emotional response by including physical actions, such as her clenching her fists or pacing, to visually represent her frustration and determination.
  • Revise Marshall's dialogue to include more internal conflict, perhaps by expressing regret or hesitation about selling the story, which would add depth to his character.
  • Introduce subtext in the dialogue to convey underlying tensions. For example, Lilly could hint at her own struggles with the story, making her desire to tell it more personal and urgent.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the setting to create a vivid atmosphere that reflects the emotional stakes of the scene, such as the chill of the night air or the distant sounds of the city.



Scene 30 -  The Weight of Accusation
INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, COURTROOM - DAY

Mrs. Shimwell is giving evidence against Tilley.

FOREST FULTON
Did you think that Tilley was
embarrassed by her pregnancy?

MRS. SHIMWELL
I got that impression. She didn’t
seem to want bastard children and
was unhappy at the inconvenience.

FOREST FULTON
When you were acting as chaperone,
Tilley made a damning admission to
you which you wrote down?

MRS. SHIMWELL
The statement reads: “I was
suckling my children and I squeezed
them to my breast till they were
nearly dead. They were not quite
dead when I put them in the basket.
I have not had five minutes rest
since, and every policeman I saw I
felt I must give myself up.”

FOREST FULTON
What did you take that to mean?

MRS. SHIMWELL
That she wasn’t concerned if they
lived or died.

The courtroom reacts to this devastating piece of evidence.

FOREST FULTON
No more prosecution witnesses.

Marshall gets to his feet slowly.

MARSHALL
You pretended to be Tilley's
chaperone but really you were paid
to spy on her by the Police.

The Jury is interested in this line.

MRS. SHIMWELL
I was there to offer comfort.

Marshall holds up a notebook with pages torn out.
44.


MARSHALL
You used this notebook to secretly
write down everything she told you.
The pages before and afterwards
have been removed giving no context
to your statement. Why is that?

MRS. SHIMWELL
You would have to ask the
Inspector.

MARSHALL
They have been removed because most
of what Tilley said contradicted
those damning few lines you quoted.

MRS. SHIMWELL
I admit, she was sometimes contrite
and said it was an accident.

MARSHALL
But inconvenient truth does not
help the Police case, does it?

Mrs. Shimwell looks down, shamefaced.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
No further questions for this
witness. The defence calls Doctor
John Moon, an expert in paediatric
medicine at St Thomas’s, London.

Ethel’s father takes the oath in the witness box.

DOCTOR JOHN MOON
...truth and nothing but the truth.

MARSHALL
After you examined the infants,
what did you conclude to be the
likely cause of death?

DOCTOR JOHN MOON
The babies died through a
combination of hyperthermia and
some form of asphyxia.

MARSHALL
How do you believe that came about?

DOCTOR JOHN MOON
The freezing air would have damaged
the lungs. Pneumonia would also
have been an influence.

MARSHALL
Were there any other factors?
45.


DOCTOR JOHN MOON
In the alternative, the mother
accidentally smothered them whilst
feeding or keeping them warm.

MARSHALL
Did you see any evidence of
deliberate harm being inflicted on
the babies?

DOCTOR JOHN MOON
Quite the opposite. They were well
nourished and had clearly been
cared for.

Tears are flowing in the public gallery and Jury box as
Marshall sits down.

FOREST FULTON
I have no questions, my Lord.

JUDGE HIGHFIELD
Gentlemen of the Jury this case all
comes down to one consideration.
Did the prisoner intend to kill her
babies or was it as the defendant
contends, an attempt to keep them
warm against that freezing night?

Take as long as you need.

The Jury marches out.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene, Mrs. Shimwell testifies against Tilley, claiming neglect and reading a shocking statement that implies Tilley's indifference to her children's well-being. Defense attorney Marshall challenges her credibility, revealing her motives and the selective nature of her notes. Doctor John Moon's expert testimony suggests the infants' deaths were accidental, contradicting the prosecution's claims. The judge instructs the jury to consider Tilley's intent, leaving the outcome of the case uncertain as the jury begins their deliberation.
Strengths
  • Intense courtroom drama
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the storyline, showcasing intense legal proceedings and conflicting testimonies that keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complexities of a mother's intentions in a tragic case of infant deaths is compelling and thought-provoking, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven with conflicting testimonies, expert opinions, and courtroom drama, driving the story forward and building suspense around the outcome of the trial.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by focusing on the conflicting testimonies and moral ambiguity of the case. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Marshall and Mrs. Shimwell, are well-developed and play crucial roles in presenting contrasting perspectives on the case, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the revelations and testimonies contribute to a deeper understanding of the characters' motivations and perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to defend themselves against the accusations of harming their children. This reflects their deeper fear of being misunderstood and judged harshly.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prove their innocence in the court case. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of being accused of a serious crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the prosecution and defense, as well as the conflicting testimonies presented in court, intensifies the drama and keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting testimonies and moral dilemmas that create obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the trial, involving the life and fate of Sabina Tilley, as well as the emotional weight of the infants' deaths, heighten the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by presenting crucial testimonies, expert opinions, and legal proceedings that shape the outcome of Sabina Tilley's trial.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting testimonies and the moral ambiguity surrounding the case, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the question of intent versus circumstance. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the opposing views presented in court.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is profound, evoking empathy, sadness, and tension as the tragic circumstances of the infants' deaths are explored through the testimonies.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and serves to highlight the conflicting viewpoints of the witnesses, creating tension and emotional depth in the courtroom setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, intense dialogue exchanges, and the unfolding mystery of the case.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-paced dialogue exchanges and revelations that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a courtroom setting, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a courtroom drama, with clear dialogue exchanges and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by presenting conflicting testimonies that highlight the stakes of the trial. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. For instance, Mrs. Shimwell's responses feel somewhat flat and could be enriched with emotional undertones that reflect her internal conflict about betraying Tilley.
  • Marshall's cross-examination is strong, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more dramatic pauses or reactions from the jury and the public gallery. This would heighten the emotional impact of his revelations and create a more dynamic courtroom atmosphere.
  • The transition from Mrs. Shimwell's testimony to Doctor John Moon's could be smoother. The abrupt shift in focus might disorient the audience. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a reaction shot from Marshall or the jury to bridge the two testimonies more effectively.
  • The stakes of the trial are clear, but the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional connection to Sabina Tilley. Including a brief moment where the audience sees her reaction to the testimonies could deepen the audience's investment in her fate.
  • The Judge's instruction to the jury at the end is a crucial moment, but it feels somewhat rushed. Expanding this moment to allow for a more dramatic buildup could enhance the tension as the jury deliberates.
Suggestions
  • Add more emotional depth to Mrs. Shimwell's character by incorporating subtle hints of her own moral struggle or fear about testifying against Tilley. This could make her testimony more compelling.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the jury and the public gallery during key moments of the testimonies to reflect the emotional weight of the proceedings.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a reaction shot from Tilley after Mrs. Shimwell's testimony to emphasize the personal stakes involved.
  • Smooth the transition between testimonies by including a brief moment of reflection from Marshall or a reaction from the jury, which would help maintain the scene's emotional flow.
  • Expand the Judge's final remarks to create a more dramatic pause before the jury leaves, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the decision they are about to make.



Scene 31 -  Verdict of Freedom
EXT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES, ENTRANCE HALL - DAY

Marshall speaks with the editor of the Sussex Daily News.

MARSHALL
Thank you for providing a lifeline
for the poor in murder trials.

CHRISTIAN INFIELD
I am as indebted to you as you are
to me so we will call it quits.


INT. BRIGHTON ASSIZES COURT - DAY

The Jury are in their box as the Usher addresses them.

USHER
Have you reached a verdict upon
which you are all agreed?

The courtroom falls silent.
46.


JURY FOREMAN
We have. We find the prisoner
Sabina Tilley not guilty.

There is spontaneous applause and Sabina Tilley almost faints
as her MOTHER and SISTERS help her to stand.

SABINA TILLEY
I thank the kind readers of the
Sussex Daily News for my life.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Brighton Assizes, Marshall expresses gratitude to Christian Infield for his support during murder trials, highlighting their collaborative relationship. The Jury Foreman announces a not guilty verdict for Sabina Tilley, leading to applause and emotional support from her family. Sabina, overwhelmed with relief, thanks the readers of the Sussex Daily News for their support, marking a transition from tension to joy as she celebrates her acquittal.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Resolution of central conflict
  • Character growth
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with a significant plot development that resolves the central conflict of Sabina Tilley's trial, delivering a satisfying conclusion.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of public support and media influence on legal proceedings is effectively portrayed, highlighting the importance of community involvement in justice.

Plot: 9

The plot reaches a climax with the unexpected verdict, resolving the tension built throughout the trial and providing a sense of closure for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by focusing on the protagonist's gratitude towards the media for their support. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Sabina Tilley and Marshall, show growth and resilience in the face of adversity, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Sabina Tilley experiences a significant change in her circumstances, transitioning from a defendant to a redeemed individual, while Marshall's dedication to her cause showcases his growth as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek justice and prove their innocence. This reflects their deeper need for validation and freedom from the accusations against them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to be acquitted of the charges against them. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the courtroom trial.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While the conflict between the prosecution and defense is present, the resolution of the trial reduces the overall conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of proving their innocence in a courtroom trial.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Sabina Tilley's fate hangs in the balance, with the potential for a life-changing outcome depending on the jury's verdict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the central conflict of Sabina Tilley's trial, setting the stage for new developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is kept in suspense about the jury's decision until the last moment.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the concepts of justice and truth versus deception and manipulation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the fairness of the legal system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly with the relief and gratitude felt after the verdict is announced.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional weight of the moment, with impactful exchanges between the characters during the trial.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspense leading up to the verdict and the emotional payoff of the protagonist's acquittal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense leading up to the verdict, creating a sense of anticipation and emotional release.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with the tension building towards the verdict and the emotional resolution after the decision is announced.


Critique
  • The transition from the exterior conversation between Marshall and Christian Infield to the courtroom scene feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative, perhaps by including a brief moment that connects the two settings, such as Marshall reflecting on the importance of the verdict as he enters the courtroom.
  • The dialogue in the opening exchange between Marshall and Infield is functional but lacks emotional depth. While it establishes their relationship, it could benefit from more subtext or personal stakes, perhaps hinting at the broader implications of the trial for both characters.
  • The courtroom scene effectively builds tension with the silence before the verdict, but the emotional reactions could be more vividly described. Instead of simply stating that Sabina almost faints, consider showing her physical sensations or thoughts to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The applause following the verdict feels somewhat generic. Adding specific reactions from the audience or characters in the courtroom could enhance the emotional weight of the moment. For example, showing a close-up of a family member's tearful joy or a skeptical onlooker's reaction could add layers to the scene.
  • Sabina's line thanking the readers of the Sussex Daily News feels a bit on-the-nose. It could be rephrased to sound more heartfelt or personal, reflecting her gratitude in a way that resonates more deeply with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Marshall as he enters the courtroom, perhaps contemplating the weight of the trial and its impact on Sabina's life, to create a stronger emotional connection.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marshall and Infield by incorporating personal stakes or concerns about the trial's outcome, which could add depth to their relationship and the situation at hand.
  • Describe Sabina's physical and emotional state more vividly during the verdict announcement, using sensory details to immerse the audience in her experience.
  • Include specific reactions from the courtroom audience to the verdict, showcasing a range of emotions to create a more dynamic and engaging atmosphere.
  • Rephrase Sabina's line of gratitude to make it feel more genuine and less like a direct acknowledgment of the newspaper's role, perhaps by expressing her relief or hope for the future.



Scene 32 -  Tensions at The Savoy
INT. THE SAVOY, DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Dinner for Marshall, Lilly, Northcliffe, and Druit.

Northcliffe is angry with Marshall.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
(raised voice)
The support I have given you. The
publicity platform for success and
you stab me in the back like this?

MARSHALL
The Sabina Tilley case is a
Brighton centric story.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
So you sold it before giving me a
chance to bid?

MARSHALL
They provided funds to pay for
medical experts to prove the death
of the infants was accidental.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
You could have come to me.

MARSHALL
It never even occurred to me. The
public contributed to a popular
cause celebre.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
(raised voice)
You got her off with a not guilty
of double infanticide. It is a
national, even an international
Story. What were you thinking?

MARSHALL
I was thinking no more than what
was best for my client.
47.


LORD NORTHCLIFFE
I know your mind is not alert to
the commercial side of life.

MARSHALL
I am very sorry if I have been a
disappointment to you. It seems I
can’t get much right these days.

A short cooling down period.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
I called this dinner to celebrate
my own little victory.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
Intriguing, what did you win?

LILLY FORTUNE
He beat Sir Gordon Cummings in his
High Court libel case.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Cummings is ruined which I suppose
is some compensation for losing out
to the Sussex Daily News.

Marshall is not in the mood for this.

MARSHALL
Ultimately you always win Alfred.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Because I have a very long memory.

Druit tries to dissipate the tension.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
It has been a tough week so why
don’t we all go to Wilton’s Music
Hall and relax? My treat.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Mystery"]

Summary During a tense dinner at The Savoy, Lord Northcliffe confronts Marshall over the sale of the Sabina Tilley story, accusing him of betrayal for not consulting him first. Marshall defends his decision as prioritizing his client's needs, leading to a heated exchange that leaves the mood strained despite Northcliffe's intention to celebrate his legal victory. Lilly Fortune provides context about the victory, while Montague Druitt attempts to mediate by suggesting a night out to ease the tension.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional intensity
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding drama.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of personal and professional rivalry, as well as the ethical dilemmas faced by the characters, is well-developed and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as tensions rise between the characters, revealing underlying motivations and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mentor-mentee relationship, exploring themes of loyalty, integrity, and professional success in a high-stakes setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, adding layers to the scene and enhancing the conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall's loyalty to his client and his integrity are tested, leading to a shift in his relationship with Lord Northcliffe and his own self-perception.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to maintain his integrity and loyalty to his client while navigating the expectations and pressures of his mentor, Lord Northcliffe.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to manage the fallout from his decision regarding the Sabina Tilley case and maintain his professional reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marshall and Lord Northcliffe is palpable, creating a tense atmosphere and driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as personal and professional reputations are on the line, leading to intense confrontations and emotional reactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the personal dynamics and conflicts between the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and conflicting goals of the characters. The audience is kept on edge as they navigate the characters' complex relationships and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to one's client and loyalty to one's mentor. Marshall must balance his duty to his client with the expectations of Lord Northcliffe, highlighting the clash between personal integrity and professional success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high due to the personal stakes involved for the characters and the intense confrontations that take place.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively, driving the scene forward and maintaining the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, power dynamics between the characters, and high-stakes conflict. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional turmoil and conflicting motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and drama, with well-timed pauses and confrontational exchanges that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction in a dining room setting, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation in a high-class setting, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Marshall and Lord Northcliffe, showcasing their conflicting priorities. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. Currently, the exchanges feel somewhat on-the-nose, lacking the layered complexity that would make the confrontation more engaging.
  • Marshall's motivations are clear, but his character could be further developed through his reactions and internal conflict. Adding moments of hesitation or regret could enhance his portrayal as a morally conflicted character, making the audience empathize with his position.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial confrontation is intense, but the transition to the cooling down period and the subsequent discussion about Northcliffe's victory feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the emotional momentum.
  • The introduction of Montague Druitt as a mediator is a good choice, but his character could be more fleshed out in this scene. Providing him with a distinct voice or perspective could make his attempts to lighten the mood more impactful.
  • The stakes of the dinner could be heightened by incorporating more visual elements or actions that reflect the tension. For example, the characters' body language, the atmosphere of the dining room, or even the food and drink could serve as metaphors for the underlying conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to imply more than they explicitly state. This could create a richer interaction and engage the audience more deeply.
  • Explore Marshall's internal conflict further by including brief moments of reflection or hesitation in his responses to Northcliffe. This could add depth to his character and make his motivations more relatable.
  • Smooth out the pacing by adding transitional dialogue or actions that bridge the heated argument and the subsequent discussion about Northcliffe's victory, maintaining emotional continuity.
  • Develop Montague Druitt's character by giving him a unique perspective or a personal stake in the conversation, making his attempts to diffuse tension feel more genuine and effective.
  • Incorporate visual elements that reflect the tension in the scene, such as the characters' body language, the ambiance of the dining room, or symbolic actions (like pouring drinks) that enhance the emotional stakes.



Scene 33 -  A Night of Music and Conflict
EXT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL - NIGHT

Druit's carriage pulls up into the parking area.

Marshall helps Lilly down as Druit exits the other side.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
I feel the tension draining away.

Amongst others, we see Prince Eddy’s coach is attended by
several guards.

LILLY FORTUNE
A royal night out. I wonder who
else is here.
48.


MONTAGUE DRUIT
I have a feeling tonight is going
to be memorable.

They all enter Wilton's for a night of fun.


INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL - NIGHT

Inside is like Saturday night.

A dance troupe attracts the leers of many drunken men but the
atmosphere is friendly.

MARSHALL
What will you have Monty?

Druit suddenly notices Mary Kelly is in a dispute with a
rough-looking man. A PIMP. A knife appears.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
(shouts)
Mary!

Marshall and Lilly watch as Druit runs over, throwing a
combination of punches. He gets the better of the Pimp.

MARY JANE KELLY
(screaming)
He’s my pimp, Monty. Are you trying
to get me killed?

Druit grabs the Pimp's long-bladed knife which he keeps.

Marshall and Lilly see that Druit is in control and head to
the snug bar.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Montague Druitt arrives at Wilton's Music Hall with Lilly and Marshall, eager for a fun evening. The lively atmosphere quickly turns tense when Druitt intervenes in a dispute between Mary Kelly and her pimp. Demonstrating his protective nature, Druitt engages in a scuffle, ultimately overpowering the pimp and taking his knife. The scene shifts from anticipation to urgency, ending with Druitt in control while Lilly and Marshall move to the bar, leaving the conflict behind.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of Mary's character
  • Potential for more nuanced dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a strong focus on character dynamics and escalating conflict. The introduction of a dangerous situation and the involvement of key characters create a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, protection, and danger is well-executed in the scene, setting up a complex web of relationships and motivations that drive the characters' actions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of a dangerous situation and the characters' responses to it. The scene sets up further conflicts and developments that will impact the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a music hall but adds a fresh twist with the sudden conflict and action. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the unpredictability of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the tension and drama of the scene. Druit's protective instincts and Marshall's concern for Mary add depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Druit's protective instincts and Marshall's concern for Mary demonstrate a shift in their characters, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Montague Druit's internal goal in this scene is to protect Mary Jane Kelly and assert his dominance in the situation. This reflects his need for control and his desire to be seen as a protector.

External Goal: 7

Montague Druit's external goal in this scene is to diffuse the situation with the Pimp and ensure Mary Jane Kelly's safety. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in a potentially dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the altercation between Druit and the pimp escalating tensions and setting the stage for further confrontations. The danger and unpredictability of the situation add to the intensity of the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of the Pimp and the conflict with Mary Jane Kelly creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as characters face a dangerous situation and confront threats to their safety. The outcome of the altercation between Druit and the pimp has significant consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a dangerous situation and setting up further conflicts and developments that will impact the overall narrative. The characters' actions and reactions drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of a conflict and the unexpected actions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of protection and control. Montague Druit's actions challenge Mary Jane Kelly's perception of his intentions, highlighting a clash of values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and concern, as characters face a dangerous situation and confront threats to their safety. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' reactions and the escalating conflict.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding to the tension and suspense of the scene. Druit's protective actions and Mary's distress are highlighted through their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation that resolves the conflict and advances the plot.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and resolves the conflict, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a lively atmosphere at Wilton's Music Hall, which contrasts with the tension from previous scenes. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The dialogue could benefit from a smoother lead-in that connects the characters' emotional states from the dinner at The Savoy to their arrival at the music hall.
  • Montague Druitt's protective nature towards Mary Kelly is a strong character moment, but it could be enhanced by providing more context about their relationship. This would deepen the audience's understanding of why Druitt reacts so fiercely and add emotional weight to the confrontation.
  • The dialogue between the characters is functional but lacks distinctiveness. Each character's voice could be more unique to reflect their personalities and backgrounds. For instance, Druitt's dialogue could include more flamboyant or dramatic language to match his character's demeanor.
  • The scene introduces a conflict with the pimp, but it resolves too quickly. A more extended confrontation could heighten the tension and allow for character development, particularly for Druitt and Mary. This would also provide an opportunity to explore the themes of protection and vulnerability in their relationship.
  • The visual description of the music hall is somewhat generic. Adding more specific details about the setting—such as the decor, the sounds of the crowd, or the types of performances—could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Marshall and Lilly as they enter the music hall, allowing them to express their relief or excitement about the night ahead. This would create a stronger emotional connection to the setting.
  • Expand the confrontation between Druitt and the pimp to include more dialogue or physical struggle. This could showcase Druitt's character more effectively and provide a clearer sense of stakes for Mary.
  • Enhance character differentiation by giving each character a distinct way of speaking or reacting to situations. This could involve using specific phrases or mannerisms that align with their backgrounds and personalities.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the description of the music hall to evoke a vivid atmosphere. Consider mentioning the sounds of laughter, music, or the smell of food and drink to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Explore the aftermath of the confrontation with the pimp. How does Mary react to Druitt's intervention? This could lead to a deeper exploration of their relationship and set up future conflicts or developments.



Scene 34 -  Chaos at Wilton's Music Hall
INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL, SNUG BAR - NIGHT

Marshall is surprised to see the elusive Lord Somerset
sitting by the stage with a girl - ROSE HANWAY (15).

LILLY FORTUNE
Doesn’t Abberline still have
Somerset in his sights?

MARSHALL
He wasn’t arrested in the raid but
see who he is with?

LILLY FORTUNE
Oh Gosh, yes, That Rose Hanway.


INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL - NIGHT

Mary has a cut on her cheek.
49.


MONTAGUE DRUIT
(to Mary Kelly)
Did he hurt you?

Mary Kelly shakes her head.

Druit raises the knife.

MONTAGUE DRUIT (CONT'D)
(to the Pimp)
If I see you again I will use this.

As Druit turns his back the Pimp attacks him.

PIMP
I do this for a living.

In the scuffle to get Druit off the pimp, Mary Jane scratches
Druit’s face drawing blood.

MONTAGUE DRUIT
You fucking whore. I protected you.

The Pimp’s face is beaten up.

PIMP
I will carve the pair of you.

The Pimp leaves by a side door.

Druit and Mary Kelly are both bleeding.

Mary runs after the Pimp.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Wilton's Music Hall, Marshall is taken aback to see Lord Somerset with Rose Hanway, prompting concern from Lilly Fortune about the implications of their presence. Meanwhile, a violent confrontation erupts between Montague Druit and a pimp as Druit tries to protect Mary Kelly, who is injured in the struggle. The altercation escalates, leaving both Druit and Mary hurt, and after the pimp threatens them, Mary pursues him, leaving the scene in a state of tension and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation may be disturbing for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong focus on character dynamics and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, involving a confrontation at a music hall, is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is gripping and moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the confrontation between Druit, Mary Kelly, and the Pimp, which adds authenticity and depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene's intensity and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes in their relationships and dynamics, particularly in terms of protection and violence.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Lord Somerset's association with Rose Hanway and potentially solve a mystery. This reflects his desire for justice and his need to prove himself as a competent investigator.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to confront Lord Somerset and potentially apprehend him for his suspicious activities. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with physical violence and emotional tension between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and actions that create uncertainty and suspense for the characters and the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with physical violence and emotional confrontations at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions, as well as developing the characters' relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and motivations, creating suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and violence. Druit's abusive behavior towards Mary Kelly and the Pimp's retaliation highlight the clash of values and beliefs in a corrupt and dangerous world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through its intense and dark atmosphere, as well as the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, dramatic conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains the tension and momentum of the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and suspense through its action sequences and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the physical confrontation between Montague Druitt and the pimp, but the emotional stakes could be heightened. The dialogue lacks depth in conveying the characters' motivations and feelings, particularly Druitt's protective instincts and Mary's frustration. Adding internal thoughts or more expressive dialogue could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The transition between the two settings (the snug bar and the main hall) feels abrupt. While the scene starts with Marshall and Lilly discussing Lord Somerset, it quickly shifts to the altercation without a clear connection. A smoother transition or a brief moment that ties the two scenes together could improve the flow.
  • The characterization of Mary Kelly could be more nuanced. Her reaction to Druitt's aggression is somewhat passive, and her motivations for chasing after the pimp are unclear. Providing insight into her thoughts or feelings during this moment would create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • The dialogue between Druitt and the pimp is somewhat clichéd and lacks originality. Phrases like 'I do this for a living' feel generic. Crafting more unique and character-specific lines could make the confrontation more memorable and engaging.
  • The physicality of the fight is described, but the stakes of the confrontation are not fully realized. What does this fight mean for Druitt and Mary? Exploring the consequences of this altercation on their relationship or their safety could add layers to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or emotional reactions from Druitt and Mary during the confrontation to deepen their character development and enhance audience empathy.
  • Introduce a brief moment of reflection or dialogue between Marshall and Lilly that connects the two settings, perhaps discussing the implications of Somerset's presence before shifting focus to the altercation.
  • Develop Mary's character by showing her conflicting emotions about Druitt's protective nature and her own agency. This could be done through her dialogue or actions during the fight.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more distinctive and reflective of the characters' personalities. This could involve using slang or unique phrases that fit the time period and their backgrounds.
  • Highlight the stakes of the fight by incorporating dialogue or actions that indicate the potential consequences for Druitt and Mary, such as their fears of retaliation or the impact on their lives in the community.



Scene 35 -  A Night of Tension at Wilton's Music Hall
INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL, SNUG BAR - NIGHT

MARSHALL
Nice to see Druit is so protective
of Mary Kelly.

LILLY FORTUNE
Let’s go and say hello to Rosie.

MARSHALL
I hope the newspaper publicity
after her trial didn’t get her into
any trouble.

Marshall and Lilly push through the raucous crowd towards
Somerset and Rose.
Rose recognises Marshall.

ROSE HANWAY
Look who it ain’t. My brief.
50.


Before they can react, Somerset sees them and without a word
grabs Rose and opens the exit door to leave Wilton's.


INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL, CONCERT ROOM - NIGHT

Hermione Grandt is negotiating a price with a suited man. She
shows him back to her table where we see it is Charles
Hammond.

HERMIONE GRANDT
Everyone, this is my friend Charles
Hammond.

Count de Ponthieu stands and extends his hand.

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
I am Count de Ponthieu and you are
most welcome to join us. This is my
friend, Ethel Marshall Hall.

Hammond does a double take. Could this be Marshall’s wife?

CHARLES HAMMOND
Delighted to meet you.


EXT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL, QUAYSIDE AREA - NIGHT

Marshall and Lilly quickly follow them.

LORD SOMERSET
Get out of my way Marshall.

Marshall looks at the innocent face of Rose Hanway.

MARSHALL
Leave Rose here with us. We will
say nothing of your whereabouts.

Rose doesn’t respond the way Marshall had thought she would.

ROSE HANWAY
I want to go with him on his ship.
He is going to show me Paris.

LILLY FORTUNE
(indicates to Somerset)
He doesn’t always tell the truth,
Rose. Stay here with us.

LORD SOMERSET
(indicates to Rose)
I only came here to get my property
back. The Cormorant sails within
the hour and we shall be on her.

Somerset grabs Rose by the shoulders and marches her off.
51.


MARSHALL
He is tying up loose ends before he
leaves the country for good.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary At Wilton's Music Hall, Marshall and Lilly confront Somerset, who is determined to take Rose with him, claiming he needs to retrieve his property. Despite Marshall's pleas for Rose to stay and Lilly's warnings about Somerset's dishonesty, Rose ultimately chooses to go with Somerset, revealing her desire for adventure. The scene is marked by a tense atmosphere as Somerset's possessiveness clashes with Marshall's protective instincts, leaving Marshall and Lilly frustrated as Somerset successfully takes Rose away.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some abrupt character exits
  • Limited exploration of certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the interactions between the characters, setting the stage for significant developments and conflicts to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of tying up loose ends, protecting loved ones, and facing emotional turmoil is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as tensions rise, relationships are tested, and characters make pivotal decisions, leading to potential consequences and conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of loyalty and self-interest, with complex character dynamics and unexpected twists.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits, motivations, and relationships that drive the narrative forward and create engaging dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience shifts in their relationships, motivations, and emotions throughout the scene, setting the stage for potential character development and growth in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to protect Rose Hanway and ensure her safety. This reflects his deeper need for justice and his desire to do what is right.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to prevent Lord Somerset from taking Rose Hanway away on his ship. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with interpersonal conflicts, emotional tensions, and high stakes, creating a sense of urgency and drama that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and unpredictable outcomes that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the characters' decisions, relationships, and conflicts, highlighting the potential consequences of their actions and setting the stage for significant developments.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and developments that have the potential to impact the characters and the overall narrative trajectory.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected decisions that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-interest. Marshall must decide whether to protect Rose or let her go with Somerset for his own benefit.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through moments of tension, shock, and emotional turmoil, enhancing the overall impact of the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions, conflicts, and relationships between the characters, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the overall tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense interactions, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Marshall and Lilly in a confrontational situation with Lord Somerset, who is attempting to take Rose away. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about Somerset's intentions and the potential consequences for Rose if she leaves with him.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly in Marshall's lines about Rose's situation. Instead of stating concerns directly, consider showing these emotions through more subtle interactions or reactions from the characters, which would enhance the dramatic tension.
  • The transition between the snug bar and the concert room is somewhat abrupt. It would benefit from a smoother flow that connects the two locations, perhaps by incorporating a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that highlights the change in atmosphere.
  • The character of Rose Hanway is introduced but lacks depth in this scene. Providing a glimpse into her internal conflict about leaving with Somerset could create a more compelling emotional arc and make her decision more impactful.
  • The scene could benefit from more vivid descriptions of the setting and the atmosphere of Wilton's Music Hall. This would help immerse the audience in the environment and enhance the tension of the confrontation.
Suggestions
  • Add a line or two of internal monologue for Marshall or Lilly that reflects their concerns about Rose's safety, which would deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Consider incorporating a moment where Rose hesitates or shows uncertainty about leaving with Somerset, which would add complexity to her character and the situation.
  • Use sensory details to describe the atmosphere of the snug bar and concert room, such as the sounds of laughter, music, or the smell of smoke, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Introduce a brief exchange between Marshall and Lilly that highlights their shared concern for Rose, reinforcing their camaraderie and the urgency of the situation.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional beat, perhaps by showing Marshall's frustration or helplessness as Somerset takes Rose away, which would leave the audience with a lingering sense of tension.



Scene 36 -  A Night of Tension and Reconciliation
INT. WILTON'S MUSIC HALL, CONCERT ROOM - NIGHT

Ethel, Hermione, Charles Hammond, and Count de Ponthieu are
watching the show.

Marshall sees Ethel and walks over.

Ethel looks up and is flush red at seeing him in this place.

Ignoring Hermione, Charles Hammond, and de Ponthieu.

Marshall hands over the envelope with the money Ethel needs.

MARSHALL
Contact Bernie Lawless at Three
Temple Gardens if you need more.

Ethel is close to tears.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
Thank you, Edward.

De Ponthieu stands up.

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
I am Count.....

Marshall is dismissive.

MARSHALL
I know what you are. Sit down.

Marshall is upset with Ethel and leaves.

CHARLES HAMMOND
(to Hermione)
What an interesting turn of events.


EXT. FOX AND HOUNDS, WATERFRONT BAR - NIGHT

Marshall walks along the Embankment quayside. He notices a
bar Bernie Lawless frequents.

Marshall enters the Fox and Hounds. He sees Bernie Lawless
with an older man and walks over.

BERNIE LAWLESS
Marshall, what are you doing here?
52.


MARSHALL
I owe you an apology. I know you
are there as a colleague but you
are also a good friend to me.

BERNIE LAWLESS
Water under the bridge.

MARSHALL
I am going to take a few days in
Brighton. I must get my mind
straight.

BERNIE LAWLESS
The sea air will do you good.
(to his companion)
Talking of sea air, this is my old
man, Tommy. A Thames waterman for
over fifty years, man and boy.

MARSHALL
Very nice to meet you, Mr Lawless.

Tommy Lawless tugs on his pipe.

THOMAS LAWLESS.
Likewise. Now Bernie, are you going
to let the man die of thirst or are
you going to buy him a drink?

BERNIE LAWLESS
You can see where I get the cheek
from, can’t you? Drinks all round!
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary At Wilton's Music Hall, Ethel receives an envelope of money from Marshall, who is frustrated with her and dismisses Count de Ponthieu before leaving. The scene shifts to the Fox and Hounds bar, where Marshall reconciles with Bernie Lawless, apologizing for past grievances. The emotional tone is tense and bittersweet, highlighting themes of vulnerability and friendship as Marshall is invited for drinks, suggesting a moment of camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension, emotion, and character dynamics, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation at a music hall adds depth to the characters and plot, setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new characters, conflicts, and resolutions, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and emotional conflicts, providing fresh insights into the characters' motivations and relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth, emotion, and complexity, driving the scene forward with their interactions and dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall and Ethel's relationship undergoes changes as they confront each other, showing growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ethel's internal goal is to secure the money she needs, which reflects her deeper need for financial stability and independence.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to apologize to Bernie Lawless and take a break in Brighton to clear his mind, reflecting the immediate circumstances of his strained relationships and emotional turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Marshall and Ethel, as well as the introduction of new characters, adds tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotional stakes for the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters confront each other in a public setting, revealing their emotions and tensions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and character dynamics, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions and plot twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Marshall's sense of duty and his personal relationships. This challenges his beliefs about loyalty and friendship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high due to the tense confrontations, gratitude, and dismissiveness displayed by the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, emotion, and character relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and plot development.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and building suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are somewhat muted. While Marshall's interaction with Ethel is significant, the scene lacks a deeper exploration of their relationship dynamics. The tension between them could be heightened to create a more impactful moment, especially given the context of their previous conflicts.
  • Marshall's dismissive attitude towards Count de Ponthieu feels abrupt and could benefit from more context. This character's introduction is intriguing, but his dismissal by Marshall lacks a clear motivation. Expanding on Marshall's feelings towards de Ponthieu could enhance the scene's tension and provide insight into his character.
  • The transition from the concert room to the Fox and Hounds bar is somewhat jarring. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two locations, perhaps a line of dialogue or a visual cue that signifies Marshall's emotional state as he leaves Ethel.
  • The dialogue, while functional, could be more layered. For instance, Ethel's gratitude feels somewhat flat. Adding subtext or a hint of their complicated history could enrich the dialogue and make it more engaging. Similarly, Marshall's apology to Bernie could include more emotional weight, reflecting his internal struggle.
  • The introduction of Tommy Lawless is a nice touch, but it feels underdeveloped. A brief line or action that showcases his character or relationship with Bernie could add depth to the scene and make the audience more invested in their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or conflict for Marshall before he hands over the money to Ethel, emphasizing his internal struggle and the weight of their relationship.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marshall and Ethel to reflect their complicated emotions. Perhaps Ethel could express more vulnerability or frustration, which would create a more dynamic exchange.
  • Introduce a visual element that symbolizes the tension between Marshall and Ethel, such as a close-up of their hands or facial expressions, to convey their emotional states without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Incorporate a brief moment of reflection for Marshall as he walks to the Fox and Hounds, allowing the audience to see his emotional turmoil and setting the stage for his conversation with Bernie.
  • Expand on the character of Count de Ponthieu by giving him a line that hints at his intentions or feelings towards Ethel, which could create additional layers of conflict and intrigue.



Scene 37 -  A Desperate Flight
EXT. WILTON’S MUSIC HALL, MAIN STREET - NIGHT

The terrified Mary Jane Kelly - runs for her life down a gas-
lit street still damp from a downpour.


EXT. BLACK TWO HORSE CARRIAGE, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

The coach is almost upon Mary Kelly.

Suddenly she pulls up her dress and frees her legs allowing
her to run faster and just out of reach.


EXT. ALLEYWAY, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

Mary Kelly runs down an alley too wide for the carriage.


EXT. BLACK TWO HORSE CARRIAGE, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

The carriage stops and the door flies open. The UNSEEN
ADVERSARY is too fast for us to recognise as he leaps down.
53.


EXT. ALLEYWAY, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

Mary Kelly sprints down the alley at speed followed by her
Unseen Adversary.


INT. SMALL GROUND FLOOR APARTMENT, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

A fire glows in the grate of Mary Kelly’s digs to welcome her
customers.

We hear the panicked running outside long before we see Mary
through the broken window pane.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and suspenseful scene set in a rain-soaked Whitechapel, Mary Jane Kelly flees for her life from an unseen adversary pursuing her in a black two-horse carriage. As she runs down a gas-lit street, her fear and urgency are palpable. She narrowly escapes into an alleyway, but the threat remains as the sounds of her panic echo outside her small apartment, where a fire glows, symbolizing her vulnerability amidst the looming danger.
Strengths
  • Effective use of atmosphere to build tension
  • Strong sense of danger and urgency
  • Compelling pursuit narrative
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its atmospheric descriptions and the intense pursuit of Mary Jane Kelly.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a chase scene in a dark, rainy setting is well-executed and adds to the overall suspense of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Mary Jane Kelly is pursued by an unseen adversary, adding to the overall mystery and danger of the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the chase sequence, with a focus on the protagonist's emotions and survival instincts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Mary Jane Kelly's fear and panic are palpable, while the unseen adversary adds an element of mystery and danger to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Mary Jane Kelly experiences a significant change in her emotional state as she is pursued by the unseen adversary.

Internal Goal: 8

Mary Jane Kelly's internal goal in this scene is survival. Her deeper need, fear, or desire is to escape from the unseen adversary and reach safety.

External Goal: 7

Mary Jane Kelly's external goal in this scene is to outrun the unseen adversary and find refuge in her apartment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Mary Jane Kelly and her unseen adversary creates a high level of tension and danger in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unseen adversary posing a significant threat to Mary Jane Kelly's safety.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Mary Jane Kelly's life being in danger create a sense of urgency and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by increasing the sense of danger and mystery surrounding Mary Jane Kelly.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unseen adversary and the uncertain outcome of Mary Jane Kelly's escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between life and death, safety and danger. Mary Jane Kelly's beliefs, values, and worldview are challenged by the imminent threat to her life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, panic, and shock in the reader, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

There is minimal dialogue in the scene, but the actions and descriptions effectively convey the sense of fear and urgency.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful pacing, and the high stakes for the protagonist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and suspenseful, contributing to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and danger through the use of vivid imagery and pacing. The description of Mary Jane Kelly running for her life creates immediate tension, which is crucial for engaging the audience.
  • However, the scene relies heavily on visual elements without providing much internal conflict or emotional depth for Mary. While the physical action is compelling, adding a glimpse into her thoughts or fears could enhance the emotional stakes and make the audience more invested in her plight.
  • The use of the term 'Unseen Adversary' is intriguing, but it may create confusion for the audience. While the mystery of the pursuer adds suspense, consider providing subtle hints about who this adversary might be or their motivations to maintain intrigue without losing clarity.
  • The transition from the chase to the apartment feels abrupt. While the urgency is maintained, the shift could benefit from a smoother connection that emphasizes Mary’s desperation as she reaches her sanctuary. This could heighten the tension as she attempts to secure herself from her pursuer.
  • The scene lacks dialogue, which could be an opportunity to convey Mary's fear or desperation. Even internal monologue or whispered thoughts could add depth and help the audience connect with her character on a more personal level.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate internal monologue or brief flashbacks to Mary’s past to provide context for her fear and urgency. This could help the audience understand her motivations and emotional state.
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue, either from Mary or her pursuer, to heighten the tension and provide insight into the nature of the threat she faces.
  • Enhance the transition to the apartment by describing her frantic attempts to secure the door or her thoughts as she reaches what she hopes is safety. This could create a more dramatic contrast between the chase and her moment of refuge.
  • Clarify the identity or nature of the 'Unseen Adversary' through subtle hints in the scene. This could involve a brief description of their silhouette or a sound that suggests their presence, maintaining suspense while providing some context.
  • Consider varying the pacing of the scene to reflect Mary's emotional state. For instance, slowing down the moment she reaches her apartment could emphasize her relief and fear, creating a more impactful climax to the chase.



Scene 38 -  Descent into Darkness
EXT. ALLEYWAY, WHITECHAPEL - NIGHT

The Unseen Adversary has emerged at a crossroad in the
alleyway by Mitre Square. He realises he is now alone.

His breath crystallises in the cold air as he looks around
for any clue as to where his quarry has gone.

There are few windows that are illuminated.


INT. SMALL GROUND FLOOR APARTMENT - NIGHT

Suddenly the door bursts open and in runs Mary.

She fumbles the door lock and struggles to slide on the bolt.

Mary tries to control her breathing. She stands with her back
to the door in an attempt to keep it tightly shut.

Unfortunately, she cannot hide her loud heartbeat.

A long-bladed knife crashes through the wooden slats of the
flimsy door and Mary is forced to move away from it.

The bolt gives way and the door creaks slowly open.

Mary looks into the eyes of the man who is about to brutally
eviscerate her with a Liston knife.


INT. FITZROVIA BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT

Ethel sits forlornly drinking wine with Hermione.

HERMIONE GRANDT
I know a Doctor. A gynaecologist.
You know your options are limited.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I find myself between the devil and
the deep blue sea.
54.


HERMIONE GRANDT
Now that you have money, we should
make an appointment quickly. Every
day that goes by makes it worse.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I have clung to the hope of
marriage. Do you think....?

Ethel cries openly.

HERMIONE GRANDT
Along that road lies madness.
(penny drops)
You haven’t told him, have you?


EXT. SMALL GROUND FLOOR APARTMENT, WHITECHAPEL - MORNING

Abberline looks physically sick as he emerges from the flat
where Mary Kelly has been brutally murdered.

Lilly and Xing look on expectantly. Xing has her camera.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
I can’t let you in Lilly. No
photographs either.

LILLY FORTUNE
Is it Mary Kelly? Tall, redhead,
was wearing a green silk dress.

Abberline nods.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Yes, that’s her. In thirty years of
policing, I have never seen
anything as barbaric.

LILLY FORTUNE
I saw Mary Kelly fighting with her
pimp last night at Wilton’s. Monty
Druit tried to intervene.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
That’s strange. Druit’s name has
come up a few times recently.

LILLY FORTUNE
Charles Hammond was there too. And
Somerset. He left after Marshall
and I spoke to him and a girl
called Rose.
55.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene, Mary desperately tries to secure her apartment from a relentless attacker, culminating in a violent confrontation as a knife crashes through the door. Meanwhile, Ethel confides in Hermione about her pregnancy struggles, revealing her emotional turmoil. The scene concludes with Inspector Abberline emerging from the apartment, shaken by the brutal murder of Mary Kelly, leaving a chilling sense of dread.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Engaging mystery and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too dark or intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and dark atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding mystery and the characters' emotional turmoil.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an unseen adversary hunting down a character in a dark alleyway is gripping and adds a sense of danger and urgency to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the revelation of Mary Kelly's brutal murder and the investigation surrounding it, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of survival in a dangerous situation, with unique character dynamics and a gritty setting that adds authenticity to the story. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel realistic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display a range of emotions, from fear and desperation to shock and anger, adding complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a range of emotions and reactions, showcasing their development and growth in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival. Mary is faced with a life-threatening situation and must find a way to escape the man with the knife. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade her attacker and survive the encounter. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of being in mortal danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the unseen adversary creates a high level of tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mary facing a life-threatening situation and a formidable adversary. The audience is unsure of how she will overcome the danger and escape her attacker, adding to the suspense and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death, danger, and mystery add urgency and tension to the scene, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly with the revelation of Mary Kelly's murder and the investigation surrounding it, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflict. The audience is kept guessing about Mary's fate and the resolution of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between life and death, safety and danger. Mary must confront the possibility of her own mortality and make choices that will determine her fate.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from fear and sadness to shock and anger, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the scene forward with tension and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and well-developed characters. The tension and danger faced by Mary keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how she will escape her attacker.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of the conflict and a climactic resolution. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character interactions are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the conflict, rising tension, and a climactic resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of Mary Kelly's frantic escape and the unseen adversary's search. However, the transition between the two locations (the alleyway and the apartment) could be smoother. The abrupt cut from the adversary to Mary running into her apartment may disorient the audience. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two settings, perhaps a sound or a visual cue that indicates the adversary is close behind her.
  • The description of the adversary is vague, which adds to the suspense, but it might benefit from a hint of his characteristics or motivations. This could deepen the audience's understanding of the threat he poses without revealing too much. A line about his demeanor or a flash of his face could enhance the tension without detracting from the mystery.
  • Mary's internal struggle is palpable, especially as she fumbles with the door lock. However, the line about her heartbeat could be more evocative. Instead of stating she cannot hide it, consider showing it through her actions or thoughts, such as her feeling dizzy or lightheaded from fear, which would create a more immersive experience.
  • The dialogue between Ethel and Hermione provides a necessary contrast to the tension of the previous scene, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the urgency of Mary's situation. Consider weaving in a line that connects Ethel's emotional turmoil to Mary's plight, perhaps by having Hermione reference the dangers women face in their current society, which would create a thematic link between the two narratives.
  • Inspector Abberline's reaction to the murder scene is impactful, but it could be enhanced by showing more of his emotional state. Instead of stating he looks physically sick, consider describing his physical reactions—sweating, shaking hands, or a moment of hesitation before he speaks. This would provide a more visceral understanding of the horror he has witnessed.
Suggestions
  • Add a transitional moment between the alleyway and Mary's apartment to create a smoother flow and maintain tension.
  • Include a hint of the adversary's characteristics or motivations to deepen the audience's understanding of the threat.
  • Show Mary's fear through her physical sensations or actions rather than stating she cannot hide her heartbeat.
  • Weave in a line during Ethel and Hermione's conversation that connects Ethel's situation to the dangers faced by women like Mary, enhancing thematic cohesion.
  • Describe Inspector Abberline's physical reactions to the murder scene to provide a more visceral understanding of his emotional state.



Scene 39 -  A Heartbreaking Decision
INT. ETHEL'S LODGINGS, FITZROVIA - DAY

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
It is impossible. You must know
that for God’s sake?

A distraught Ethel is confused.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I don’t know that. I assumed you
had some honour and would take
responsibility for our child.

Count de Ponthieu looks away and will not make eye contact.

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
Are you stupid? My family will
disinherit me if I even consider
marrying a pregnant divorcee.

Ethel is beyond tears. She now knows without a doubt that he
is dishonourable and that she is on her own in this crisis.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
And what shall I tell my family?

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
We both had a good time. You should
never have left your husband.

She realises she has only one option.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
My only choice is to destroy this
life growing inside me.

De Ponthieu perks up.

COUNT DE PONTHIEU
Yes, that is for the best. That I
can certainly help with. We can put
this whole mistake behind us.

Ethel looks the most determined we have ever seen her.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a tense confrontation at Ethel's lodgings, Count de Ponthieu reveals his refusal to take responsibility for Ethel's pregnancy, prioritizing his social standing over her feelings. Feeling betrayed and isolated, Ethel realizes her only option is to terminate the pregnancy, a decision that de Ponthieu coldly supports. The scene captures Ethel's emotional turmoil and determination as she resolves to take control of her situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Heavy emotional themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with intense dialogue and high stakes, making it a compelling and impactful moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a woman facing a difficult decision regarding her pregnancy while dealing with betrayal and dishonor is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ethel makes a crucial decision that will have lasting consequences, adding tension and emotional depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of societal expectations and personal integrity, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the time period and setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ethel and Count de Ponthieu, are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Ethel undergoes a significant emotional transformation as she grapples with the difficult decision she must make, showcasing her resilience and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

Ethel's internal goal is to find a solution to her crisis and maintain her dignity and self-respect. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and agency in a situation where she is being pressured and abandoned.

External Goal: 7

Ethel's external goal is to navigate the consequences of her relationship with Count de Ponthieu and protect her reputation and future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ethel and Count de Ponthieu, as well as the internal conflict within Ethel, creates a high level of tension and emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Count de Ponthieu's selfishness and Ethel's internal struggle creating a compelling conflict that keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Ethel's decision regarding her pregnancy and the betrayal she faces heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial turning point for Ethel and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and Ethel's decision to take matters into her own hands, defying societal norms and expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between personal integrity and societal expectations. Ethel's values of responsibility and honesty are challenged by Count de Ponthieu's selfishness and disregard for her well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, betrayal, and hopelessness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil and conflict within the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional impact, with a gradual escalation of conflict leading to a climactic moment of decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character dialogue that is easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of Ethel as she confronts Count de Ponthieu about her pregnancy. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' motivations clearly, particularly Ethel's desperation and de Ponthieu's selfishness. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened further by incorporating more internal conflict for Ethel, perhaps through her thoughts or flashbacks that illustrate her past relationship with her husband and the weight of her current decision.
  • Count de Ponthieu's character comes across as cold and self-serving, which is effective in establishing him as an antagonist in Ethel's story. However, his motivations could be explored more deeply. Adding a line or two that hints at his own fears or societal pressures could create a more nuanced character, making the audience understand his dishonor without fully excusing it.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could benefit from a moment of silence or a pause after Ethel's realization of her situation. This would allow the audience to absorb the gravity of her decision before she vocalizes it. A brief moment of reflection could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue is strong, but some lines could be rephrased for greater impact. For example, Ethel's line about telling her family could be more poignant if it included a specific memory or feeling about her family, making her emotional state more relatable to the audience.
  • The scene's setting is not described in detail, which could help ground the emotional weight of the conversation. Adding visual elements that reflect Ethel's state of mind—such as the disarray of her lodgings or the weather outside—could enhance the atmosphere and deepen the audience's connection to her plight.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or flashbacks for Ethel to provide context for her emotional state and the weight of her decision, which would help the audience empathize with her more deeply.
  • Explore Count de Ponthieu's character further by including a line that hints at his own fears or societal pressures, making him a more complex antagonist.
  • Incorporate a moment of silence or pause after Ethel's realization to allow the audience to absorb the gravity of her situation before she vocalizes her decision.
  • Rephrase Ethel's line about telling her family to include a specific memory or feeling, making her emotional state more relatable and impactful.
  • Enhance the setting description to reflect Ethel's emotional turmoil, using visual elements that symbolize her state of mind and the gravity of the conversation.



Scene 40 -  A Disturbing Procedure
INT. DOCTOR LAERMANN’S SURGERY, ENTRANCE HALL - DAY

A brass plaque announces “Doctor Laermann, gynaecologist”.

HERMIONE GRANDT
Doctor Laermann, this is Ethel. She
needs one of your lady procedures.

DOCTOR LAERMANN
You are very welcome. Let us first
uncork some anaesthetic.
56.


Ethel laughs nervously as Laermann opens two bottles of wine.

ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I am very scared. How do you
actually bring about an abortion?

Laermann takes out a pair of metal tongs.

DOCTOR LAERMANN
It is a physical procedure.


INT. LAERMANN’S SURGERY, CONSULTING ROOM - DAY

Ethel and Hermione are in the consulting room where a great
deal of wine has been consumed.

DOCTOR LAERMANN
It’s time.


INT. LAERMANN’S SURGERY, CLINIC - DAY

Ethel screams as Laermann attempts to perform the abortion
using metal tongs.

DOCTOR LAERMANN
Go and play the piano Hermione,
there is too much noise.

The loudest piano could not mask the agonising screams.


INT. LAERMANNS SURGERY, CLINIC - DAY

Ethel has passed out. Her legs are up and apart.

Laermann holds a large syringe. He puts the needle into a
dish containing the unmistakable quicksilver of mercury.

BCU, the plunger of the syringe pulled back and the mercury
flying inside.

HERMIONE GRANDT
Are you sure this will work?

Laermann positions himself between Ethel's legs.

He puts the needle into Ethel's groin and empties the
contents of the syringe into her.

LAERMANN
Trust me, I am a doctor.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and unsettling scene, Hermione brings Ethel to Doctor Laermann for an abortion. Despite Laermann's attempts to ease Ethel's nerves with wine, her fear escalates as she screams in pain during the procedure. Laermann, dismissive of her suffering, prepares to inject her with mercury, leading to Ethel losing consciousness and leaving her fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Realistic portrayal of a sensitive topic
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Graphic content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and addresses a significant and controversial issue, making it impactful and memorable.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of illegal abortion in a historical context is compelling and sheds light on the challenges faced by women in desperate situations.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around a critical moment in the characters' lives, showcasing the lengths they are willing to go to in dire circumstances.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the topic of abortion by incorporating dark humor and tension. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by fear, desperation, and betrayal, adding depth to the scene and highlighting their vulnerabilities.

Character Changes: 6

Ethel undergoes a significant emotional and physical change through the procedure, showcasing her vulnerability and desperation.

Internal Goal: 8

Ethel's internal goal in this scene is to overcome her fear and anxiety about the abortion procedure. This reflects her deeper need for control over her own body and her desire to make a difficult decision.

External Goal: 7

Ethel's external goal is to successfully undergo the abortion procedure without complications. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' desires and the limitations of the situation creates a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that create uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of illegal abortion in a historical setting add tension and urgency to the scene, highlighting the risks involved.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' motivations and challenges, moving the story forward by revealing their struggles and decisions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the characters' actions and the dark humor that adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the ethical dilemma of abortion and the doctor's role in providing such procedures. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about healthcare, autonomy, and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and betrayal, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tension, and dark humor that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a progression of tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension and fear surrounding Ethel's abortion, but it could benefit from deeper character exploration. Ethel's emotional state is established, yet her internal conflict could be more vividly portrayed. Consider adding internal monologue or flashbacks that highlight her desperation and the weight of her decision, which would enhance the audience's empathy.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat clinical and lacks emotional depth. While Doctor Laermann's lines serve to establish his role, they could be more nuanced to reflect the gravity of the situation. For instance, instead of simply stating 'It is a physical procedure,' he could acknowledge the emotional turmoil Ethel is experiencing, which would create a more compassionate atmosphere.
  • The transition between the different settings within the surgery is abrupt. The scene jumps from the entrance hall to the consulting room and then to the clinic without clear visual or narrative cues. Consider using more descriptive transitions or visual motifs to guide the audience through these shifts, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • The use of wine as an anaesthetic is an interesting choice, but it could be more effectively integrated into the narrative. Ethel's nervous laughter and subsequent consumption of wine could be expanded to show her coping mechanism in the face of fear. This would add layers to her character and make her eventual scream more impactful.
  • The climax of the scene, where Ethel screams during the procedure, is powerful but could be heightened with sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, and sights in the clinic would immerse the audience further into the experience. For example, the sound of the metal tongs could be emphasized, or the sterile smell of the clinic could be contrasted with the warmth of the wine.
  • The final lines, particularly Laermann's assurance, 'Trust me, I am a doctor,' feel dismissive and could be reworked to reflect a more complex relationship between him and Ethel. This line could be an opportunity to explore the power dynamics at play, perhaps by having Laermann express a more paternalistic attitude or show a hint of doubt about the procedure.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Ethel's internal thoughts or flashbacks to provide context for her decision, allowing the audience to connect with her emotional journey.
  • Revise Doctor Laermann's dialogue to include more empathy and acknowledgment of Ethel's fear, creating a more compassionate tone.
  • Use smoother transitions between the different settings to maintain narrative flow and clarity.
  • Expand on Ethel's interaction with the wine to illustrate her coping mechanism and build tension leading up to the procedure.
  • Enhance sensory details during the climax of the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Rework Laermann's final line to reflect the complexities of the doctor-patient relationship, potentially adding layers of tension or paternalism.



Scene 41 -  A Final Farewell
INT. THREE TEMPLE GARDENS, CLERKS ROOM - DAY

Lawless is arranging briefs when Hermione Grandt rushes in.
57.




HERMIONE GRANDT
I must see Marshall. Is he here?


EXT. ROOF GARDEN THE GRAND HOTEL, BRIGHTON - NIGHT

Marshall drinks cognac as he smokes a cigar. He stares out
into the night listening to the tide rush in.

BELL BOY
Mr Marshall Hall, I have an urgent
telegram for you from a Mr Lawless.

BCU the telegram reads:

BELL BOY (OOV) (CONT'D)
“You must return to London. Stop.
Ethel is gravely ill. Stop. Come at
once. Stop”

MARSHALL
Please have a carriage brought
around. I must get back to London.

EXT. VICTORIA RAILWAY STATION - NIGHT

Marshall arrives into Victoria which is a different place.

Everyone is wearing masks including the newspaper vendor.

NEWSPAPER BOY
(shouting)
Fifty-five thousand died of the
lethal Russian flu.


INT. ETHEL’S LODGINGS, FITZROVIA - NIGHT

Marshall arrives just in time.

Ethel’s brother-in-law, DR JAMES ROBINSON is comforting her.

DR JAMES ROBINSON
Thank God you made it. She is
sedated and doesn’t have long.

Marshall sits. Ethel is wearing her Mary Magdalene pendant.
MARSHALL
My darling Ethel.

Ethel opens her eyes and recognises her husband.
58.


ETHEL MARSHALL HALL
I didn’t mean to but I ruined
everything we had.

They hold hands.

MARSHALL
It’s my fault. Don’t talk now.

Marshall kisses Ethel on the lips. She smiles. Her eyes
close. Ethel is gone.

Marshall remains alone with Ethel as we track out of the
bedroom leaving them together.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a race against time, Marshall receives an urgent telegram about Ethel's critical illness and rushes back to London amidst a flu outbreak. Upon arriving at her lodgings, he finds Ethel sedated and near death. They share a poignant farewell, where Ethel expresses regret about their relationship before passing away, leaving Marshall to confront the finality of their love.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Reliance on emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation. The tension and drama are palpable, making it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rushing to be with a loved one in their final moments is a universal and relatable theme. The scene effectively explores the complexities of relationships, regrets, and the inevitability of loss.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Marshall rushes to Ethel's side, leading to her passing. This event has a profound impact on the characters and sets the stage for future developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of love and loss, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and heartfelt.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Marshall and Ethel, are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically. The scene allows for a deeper understanding of their relationship and the internal struggles they face.

Character Changes: 8

Marshall experiences a significant change as he rushes to be with Ethel and ultimately faces the loss of his wife. This event is likely to have a lasting impact on his character and future actions.

Internal Goal: 9

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with his dying wife, Ethel, and express his love for her before she passes away. This reflects his deeper need for closure, forgiveness, and emotional connection.

External Goal: 8

Marshall's external goal is to return to London urgently to be with his gravely ill wife, Ethel. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in trying to reach her in time.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not overt conflict in the scene, the emotional conflict and tension between the characters create a sense of unease and anticipation, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ethel's illness and impending death creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for Marshall.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Marshall rushes to be with Ethel in her final moments, facing the reality of her impending death. The emotional weight of the situation adds intensity and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major event - Ethel's passing - that will have repercussions for the characters and the plot. It sets the stage for new developments and challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the emotional depth of the characters, and the uncertainty of Ethel's fate.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the theme of love, loss, and regret. Marshall and Ethel's emotional exchange challenges his beliefs about responsibility, guilt, and the fragility of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking feelings of sadness, grief, and love. The audience is likely to be deeply moved by the tender moment between Marshall and Ethel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reflective of the characters' emotions in the scene. It effectively conveys the weight of the situation and the love shared between Marshall and Ethel.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, the high stakes of the situation, and the intimate character interactions that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, allowing for emotional moments to land, and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, well-paced dialogue, and a strong emotional arc.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and emotional weight as Marshall rushes back to Ethel, but it could benefit from deeper emotional exploration. The dialogue is minimal, which is appropriate for the somber tone, but adding a few more lines of internal conflict or regret from Marshall could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The transition from the clerks' room to the Grand Hotel and then to Ethel's lodgings is clear, but the pacing feels rushed. The urgency is palpable, yet the emotional stakes could be heightened by lingering on Marshall's reactions to the telegram and the chaotic atmosphere at Victoria Station.
  • The use of the newspaper vendor shouting about the flu outbreak is a strong visual and auditory element that sets the scene's context. However, it could be more integrated into Marshall's emotional state. Perhaps he could react to the news, reflecting on the broader implications of the flu on his personal life and the lives of those around him.
  • Ethel's final moments are poignant, but the scene could benefit from a more vivid description of her physical state and the environment. This would help the audience visualize the gravity of the situation and feel the weight of Marshall's loss more acutely.
  • The scene ends abruptly after Ethel's passing, which is impactful but could be enhanced by a moment of reflection from Marshall. A brief pause where he processes the loss before the camera tracks out could provide a more powerful emotional closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Marshall as he receives the telegram, expressing his fears and regrets about Ethel's condition. This would deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • Expand on the atmosphere at Victoria Station. Perhaps include more sensory details—sounds, sights, and smells—that reflect the chaos and despair of the flu outbreak, enhancing the urgency of Marshall's return.
  • Incorporate a moment where Marshall interacts with Dr. Robinson, allowing for a brief exchange that highlights the gravity of Ethel's condition and their shared concern. This could add depth to the relationships and the emotional stakes.
  • Enhance Ethel's physical description in her final moments to evoke a stronger emotional response. Describe her pallor, the way she clutches the pendant, or the stillness of her body to create a more vivid image of her passing.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to include Marshall's immediate reaction after Ethel's death. A moment of silence or a physical gesture, like collapsing into a chair or holding her hand tighter, could provide a more profound emotional impact.



Scene 42 -  Secrets in the Shadows
EXT. SEVEN KINGS BENCH WALK - NIGHT

Abberline and his men kick down the front door and enter.

Sergeant Cunningham has a snub-nosed revolver in one hand and
a lamp in the other. He takes point.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
On me lads. Slowly does it.


INT. SEVEN KINGS BENCH WALK, DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT

The door opens and Cunningham comes flying in. Empty.

As we move around, Abberline pulls open a door which
Cunningham rushes into with gun drawn. Nothing.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Check the other reception rooms.

We hear a noise. Someone is moving around.

Cunningham opens the door into the large living room area.


INT. SEVEN KINGS BENCH WALK, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

On the table is an object covered with a white linen cloth.

Abberline walks towards it. Another creak from somewhere.
Tension is sweating from the police team.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Everyone is perfectly still.

Abberline lifts the veil. Underneath is the severed head of a
female with short blonde hair.

Another noise.
59.


A cupboard door is opened and inside is a teenage girl with
long raven hair.

She is shivering as she sits next to the headless remains of
the blonde girl.

CRASH.

From the mezzanine above falls Montague Druit. The beam the
rope is tied to creaks as everyone jumps.

We hear the small carotid bones break as he hangs by his neck
from the ceiling.

Druit’s legs kick out and he convulses as the noose around
his neck constrains the oxygen.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Someone help him. Cut him down.

There is a long-bladed, bloody knife on the table.

Druit goes silent as TWO CONSTABLES reach the mezzanine.

CONSTABLE
We don’t know what to do Sir.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Leave him for now. This never
happened.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Boss?

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
(to the team)
Quiet lads. No one must ever know
about what has occurred here today.

The MEN look at each other and there seems to be unity.

FADE TO BLACK.

SUPER: No other Jack the Ripper crimes were ever reported.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Inspector Abberline and his team discover a severed head and a terrified teenage girl in a dimly lit house. The scene escalates when Montague Druit is found hanging from the ceiling, prompting a moral dilemma for Abberline. Despite the horror before them, he decides to keep the events a secret, leading to a tense and dark atmosphere as they confront the gruesome reality.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating tension
  • Revealing shocking twists
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and delivers a shocking revelation, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats. The dark and intense tone adds depth to the storyline and enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a gruesome crime scene related to Jack the Ripper is executed with precision, creating a sense of dread and mystery. The inclusion of a hanging body adds a unique twist to the narrative, elevating the tension and intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a series of chilling discoveries and unexpected revelations, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience captivated. The scene effectively resolves the Jack the Ripper storyline while introducing new elements that add depth to the overall plot.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the Jack the Ripper legend, with a focus on the aftermath of a murder rather than the crime itself. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the realism of the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Inspector Abberline and Montague Druit, play crucial roles in the scene, adding layers of complexity and emotion to the unfolding events. Their reactions and interactions contribute to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Inspector Abberline, undergo a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with the horrors they uncover and the implications of the crimes. The shocking revelations and discoveries lead to internal changes and growth for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and composure in the face of a horrifying discovery. This reflects his need for authority and his fear of losing control in a chaotic situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to solve the crime and maintain order in the community. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a gruesome murder scene and preventing panic among the public.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with the horrifying discoveries and the implications of the crimes. The tension between the police team and the unfolding events heightens the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and moral dilemmas. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, as the characters uncover a gruesome crime scene related to Jack the Ripper and face the shocking fate of Montague Druit. The tension and suspense are heightened by the life-and-death implications of the crimes, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a series of shocking revelations and discoveries, resolving the Jack the Ripper storyline while introducing new elements that set the stage for the conclusion. The pacing and intensity of the scene keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the discovery of the severed head and the hanging of the suspect. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the need for justice and the desire to protect the public from the gruesome truth. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about duty and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from fear and shock to tension and intrigue. The chilling discoveries and the fate of Montague Druit evoke a strong emotional response from the audience, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and gravity of the situation. The characters' exchanges are brief yet powerful, adding to the overall atmosphere of suspense and mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, shocking revelations, and high stakes. The reader is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the investigation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a shocking climax. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a crime investigation, with a clear progression of events and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through its pacing and the use of suspenseful visuals, such as the covered object and the discovery of the severed head. However, the abruptness of Montague Druitt's fall feels somewhat disjointed from the preceding action. It could benefit from a more gradual build-up to this moment to enhance its impact.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in creating a tense atmosphere, but it may leave the audience wanting more character development or emotional stakes. Inspector Abberline's command to keep the events a secret feels significant, yet it lacks a deeper exploration of the moral implications of such a decision.
  • The visual imagery is strong, particularly the contrast between the severed head and the teenage girl hiding in the cupboard. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to evoke the horror and emotional weight of the discovery, allowing the audience to fully grasp the gravity of the situation.
  • The ending, with the fade to black and the superimposed text, is impactful but could be more powerful if it included a brief moment of reflection from Abberline or the other officers. This would provide a more personal connection to the events and their consequences, rather than leaving it entirely to the audience's interpretation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Inspector Abberline before he decides to leave Druitt hanging. This could deepen his character and highlight the moral ambiguity of his choice.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the smell of blood or the coldness of the room, to immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • Explore the emotional reactions of the officers as they witness the gruesome scene. This could be done through brief exchanges or expressions that convey their shock and horror, adding depth to their characters.
  • Revisit the pacing of the scene to ensure that the tension builds steadily. Perhaps include a moment where the officers hear a noise that leads them to the discovery, creating a more suspenseful lead-up to the reveal of the severed head.
  • Consider revising the final lines to include a brief reflection from Abberline or a constable, allowing for a moment of emotional resonance before the fade to black, which could enhance the impact of the scene's conclusion.