DANIEL is wearing a headset half on his face. He's sitting
watching a video on his phone.
2 INT. STUDIO (ON PHONE) 2
REPORTER
Network executive Cathy Newlan with
a statement after fears that she
would be dropped from the network
she founded:
CATHY
(As if in a hostage
video)
Hello? Oh we're filming. I
apologize to, well, anyone who has
ever been offended.
DANIEL
Go for Daniel.
REPORTER
She further posted to her social
media: I'd like to recognize the
traditional care takers of this
land. I don't know I guess its a
bunch of Indians or something-
tepee, not dot. Very good people.
DANIEL
Still going for Daniel.
SHIRA
(Over walkie)
We're waiting for you…
DANIEL
Can't I have a moment?
SHIRA
Hey dickwad, we were in the middle
of a shot.
DANIEL
I'm taking a shit.
3 INT. STUDIO 3
Freddy and Shira are directing Carmella.
SHIRA
Carmella, sweetheart, doing great.
We just need one more shot before
lunch.
CARMELLA
You're an alcoholic.
SHIRA
Camera shot. Maybe it's a language
barrier.
CARMELLA
I speak English you dumb ass.
SHIRA
Right.
FREDDY
Shira. Shira. Shira. check this
out.
Shira flicks Freddy on the forehead..
FREDDY (CONT’D)
Why are you flicking me?
SHIRA
Focus dickwad We've got talent on
set.
FREDDY
Is that like your word now?
CARMELLA
I need a micro nap.
Carmella immediately falls asleep. She begins snoring loudly.
DANIEL
Here I am massa!
SHIRA
Once again, telling you to do your
job, that you get paid oodles of
money to do, is not racist.
Daniel sets up his camera angrily.
FREDDY
Cathy Newlan, that chick that got
canceled- She's holding a diversity
showcase to find pilots from “new
voices.” This has your "girl boss"
shit written all over it.
SHIRA
Everyone! One more shot before I
can slam crafty chicken tendies in
my mouth. Can someone wake up
Carmella?
CARMELLA
I'm awake.
SHIRA
And action.
DANIEL
You're not the director.
FREDDY AND SHIRA
And action.
Daniel sticks out his tongue at Shira. Shira rolls her eyes.
4 INT. GRAPHICS 4
VIDEO of a neck is being shown. The first slide is a before
image of a wrinkly looking neck that appears to belong to a
woman in her 80's, the second is a smoothed out neck.
ANNOUNCER
This is the arm of a 35 year old
woman. Disgusting. But look. This
is the same arm after using “Hag No
More Advanced,” just one time.
5 INT ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 5
Camera up on Carmella Vieira.
CARMELLA
Olá, meus fãs maravilhosos! It's
me, the one and only Carmella
Vieira! You know me from
unforgettable shows like "Geriatric
Millennial Bachelorette Mud Fights"
and "Miami's Millionaire Mega
Sluts!"
6 EXT. OUTSIDE 6
Cuts of Carmella walking. Laughing. Smiling
CARMELLA (V.O.)
I'm here to spill the beans on my
little secret. It's the "Hag No
More" anti-aging cream!
7 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM 7
CARMELLA is sitting on the edge of a tub in a robe
suggestively applying the cream to her face
CARMELLA (V.O.)
I use it once a day, and guess
what? No revolting, saggy skin like
women in their 30's!
8 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM 8
CARMELLA
I owe it all to “Hag No More.” You
only get one life, so why waste it
living in the shadow of who you
once were. Be famous and hot like
me.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
A Conversation and a Request
9 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 9
FREDDY and SHIRA are watching the playback. They seem to be
very happy and impressed.
FREDDY
Old bitches...
SHIRA smacks FREDDY aggressively hard.
FREDDY (CONT’D)
Whatever- women are going to eat
this shit up!
SHIRA
They shouldn't. It's full of
testosterone and is 78% low grade
amphetamine.
FREDDY
My dad's going to love it. It's my
best work.
SHIRA
My best work.
FREDDY
I came up with the concept.
SHIRA
Sadistically demeaning women for
profit has been a concept since the
beginning of time.
FREDDY
Statistically.
SHIRA
Why does every man who stays in
shape after 25 have the vocabulary
of…
FREDDY
Doctors.
SHIRA
Doctors? You ruined my joke.
Doctors are really smart. The whole
point was…
FREDDY
That you think I'm in shape.
SHIRA
Shut up.
FREDDY
Anyway my dad's just the money, I'm
the creative master of my own
destiny.
SHIRA
One day all of this will be yours-
a trash infomercial company.
FREDDY
Yeah, by then maybe Kayla will
finally respect what I do.
SHIRA
The rodeo clown?
FREDDY
Party princess. Let's not make fun
of my girlfriend.
SHIRA
Fiancée.
FREDDY
Right. Fiancée. Wow.
SHIRA
Where's crafty? Lunch is almost
over.
She presses her walkie.
SHIRA (CONT’D)
Shira to Daniel. Shira to Daniel?
Daniel going once, Daniel going
twice. Anyone have eyes on Daniel?
PA
Daniel is flirting with the craft
services delivery guy.
DANIEL
Oh screw you, you little snitch. Go
for Daniel.
SHIRA
Stop distracting him. We need food
to set. Mama needs her chicken
tendies.
PA
We got vegan…
SHIRA rolls her eyes, exits to go deal with DANIEL.
10 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO HALLWAY. DAY 10
FREDDY is walking through to get to set.
PA
Oh my god! Are you that TikTok guy?
FREDDY
No!
FREDDY busts past him.
PA
Oh right!
PA shouts after FREDDY
PA (CONT’D)
Person! Sorry!
11 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 11
FREDDY enters. CARMELLA is casually eating the face cream.
She abruptly stops when FREDDY enters.
FREDDY
Carmella! So we're coming back from
break, and we just need to get this
one last shot with you.
CARMELLA
No.
FREDDY
No?
CARMELLA
No. Where's Mort?
FREDDY
Why do you need my dad?
CARMELLA
Because he's in charge.
FREDDY
No, I'm in charge. I need maybe
just a little more respect
from everyone.
CARMELLA
This infomercial- it's not my
brand. I don't do old anymore.
FREDDY
Anymore?
CARMELLA
I've decided to identify only as a
twenty two year old.
FREDDY
Freddy to Shira.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Frustration and Chaos in the Production Studio
12 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 12
SHIRA storms over, DANIEL hands her a sandwich. DANIEL is
drinking out of a red solo cup.
We hear a PA over walkie.
PA
Paisleigh to Daniel.
DANIEL
Paisley? Who the hell is Paisley?
PA
It’s Pais-leigh. You’ve been
talking to me/they all afternoon?
DANIEL
Go for Daniel.
PA
Still no model.
DANIEL pulls out his phone and starts to swipe. He updates
the settings on his dating profile that initially says
"seeking boyfriend" to "seeking actor" and then changes it
back to "seeking actor/boyfriend" starts to swipe vigorously.
SHIRA
Is that booze?
DANIEL
No. Maybe. Why?
SHIRA grabs the cup and tosses the sandwich. DANIEL pulls out
a bottle of tequila and pours in into the cup. SHIRA chugs
it.
CARMELLA is on a rampage tearing through the studio. DANIEL
doesn't seem to care or notice. FREDDY is chasing her and
dodging things that are thrown at him. CARMELLA is showing
amazing feats of strength.
SHIRA
Freddy is trying to take credit for
the whole shoot, again.
Asshole- do you think he even
reads?
DANIEL
No, but to be fair I don't believe
you do either.
SHIRA
Oh. I can't read? I guess I'll just
become an instagram whore, or maybe
enter a diversity showcase...
SHIRA shows DANIEL an ad on her phone.
DANIEL
So desperate. A "diversity
showcase? Its like geez you have to
cover up your bullshit track record
of not telling minority stories by
having a whole damn showcase about
it?
SHIRA
Yeah sounds exploitative, and semi-
offensive...
DANIEL
(stopping her before she
can continue)
Oh I'm going.
SHIRA
You are?
DANIEL
Are you kidding? I always win at
this type of shit!
SHIRA
I should do it.
DANIEL
No.
SHIRA
I need an upgrade. I'm working
myself to death for people who
don't give a shit about me. I've
had other offers.
(MORE)
SHIRA (CONT’D)
There are people who want to read
my pilots. Instead I'm stuck in
this dead end, working for a silver
spooned daddy's boy dick head.
PA
Paisleigh to Shira.
SHIRA
What?
PA
You're still on walkie
Everyone can hear you.
MORT
Mort to Shira.
SHIRA
Oh shit. I mean. Coming.
SHIRA immediately runs off screen.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Chaos and Confrontation
13 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 13
FREDDY is awkwardly organizing pillows.
MORT
Why are you fucking me?
FREDDY
I've got this.
MORT
You do not “got this.” Taliban is
airing her dirty laundry all over
walkie.
FREDDY
Woah! Don't call her that.
MORT
That's her last name.
SHIRA enters.
SHIRA
Hello...
FREDDY
Wait… You sure?
MORT
Yeah. Carmella stormed out. You've
made her people very unhappy.
FREDDY
Mexican people?
MORT
Her team. Shira, get my son a brain
transplant.
SHIRA
On it boss.
SHIRA lays on FREDDY's shoulder and passes out. After a
moment she falls to the floor.
MORT
I told you today had to go
perfectly. This is reality star
money. Whats wrong with her?
FREDDY
I'll talk to her.
MORT
No I mean her.
FREDDY
That's what I said.
MORT
Which her is her?
FREDDY
Her.
MORT
She does not want to speak to you,
and I'm not going to make her.
FREDDY
Which her?
MORT
CARMELLA!
FREDDY
Shira can talk to her. She can
produce anyone.
SHIRA wakes up and pukes on Freddy's shoes.
MORT
She's “producing” just fine. We'll
need a few Mexicans to clean that
up.
FREDDY
That's super racist.
MORT
You can say Mexican but I can't?
FREDDY
Carmella’s actually Mexican.
MORT
She's Brazilian
SHIRA SITS UP
SHIRA
You should probably cut the “aye
Yai yais."
FREDDY
Shut up.
MORT
Your mom, bless her soul...
FREDDY
Mom lives in Rancho Santa
Margarita.
MORT
Bless her soul, was soft on you,
but I figured you'd eventually grow
into your responsibilities.
SHIRA STARTS LAUGHING
FREDDY
You're going to love the dailies.
It's our best work.
SHIRA
Our best work.
FREDDY
...Our best work.
MORT
You lost Carmella, so you don't
have any “work.”
SHIRA
Werk.
FREDDY
Come on dad. Cut me a break.
SHIRA
If you fire him you gotta fire me.
MORT
How about I fire all of you?
14 EXT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 14
A man in a harness walks up to PA holding various harnesses
and gay sex props.
PA
Paisleigh to Shira.
SHIRA
What?!
PA
Some grindr guy is here. He wants
to know what he should wear?
MORT
Sorry kid. This was your last
chance.
PA
He brought a few different color
harnesses?
15 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 15
MORT
You're out of the will.
FREDDY
Out of the will?
INT. FREDDY AND KAYLA’S HOUSE. NIGHT
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Financial Woes and Job Loss
16 INT. KAYLA AND FREDDY'S HOUSE 16
KAYLA is storming around the house dressed as a Disney
princess. She has comically strange items she is attaching to
her body.
KAYLA
Daddy, daddy?
FREDDY
Stop!
Covering the phone.
KAYLA
Feeding into men's primal care
taking urges will get you whatever
you want.
FREDDY
Cool but can we like not…. Treat my
dad like an idiot?
Uncovers the phone
KAYLA
You can't cut Freddy out of the
will because I'll be out of the
will, and you wouldn't want that
right Daddy?
FREDDY
For the sake of my sanity please
stop calling him Daddy.
KAYLA
Let's go to lunch. Your treat. I'll
explain everything and we can come
to an agreement.
FREDDY
Kayla!
KAYLA covers the phone
KAYLA
Without "Daddy's" money we are
broke. Like, I'll actually have to
do sex stuff on my only fans broke,
and not the vanilla stuff. We're
talking at least mild to aggressive
BDSM.
FREDDY
I can figure this out.
KAYLA
Fine- you start an OnlyFans. How
are you with bodily fluids?
FREDDY
You've got a job...
KAYLA
Oh if I'm going to stand for an
hour in a dress of an iconic
princess I deserve...
FREDDY
Kayla, calm down.
KAYLA
Do I not seem calm?
FREDDY
Just...
KAYLA
I'll kill you!
FREDDY
Uhhh...
KAYLA
This is about my future!
FREDDY
Our future.
KAYLA takes a deep breath
KAYLA
See? Calm.
FREDDY
I've got a plan. There's a
diversity showcase coming up and
I've been putting together ideas...
KAYLA
Diversity? What you're a white cis
man.
FREDDY
Don’t say cis to me like its a
slur. Anyway, I’m Latino.
KAYLA
White passing Latino.
FREDDY
“Passing?” So because I don't look
like a bus boy I’m not Hispanic?
KAYLA
Nope, but that is why you're
racist.
FREDDY
How can I be racist against my own
people?
KAYLA
You tell me!
FREDDY
Anyway, I have ideas!
KAYLA
What kind of ideas does an
infomercial producer have?
KAYLA returns to the phone call.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Hello? Hello? This isn't working.
FREDDY
Us?
KAYLA
No the phone. I was going to dial
back.
KAYLA starts crying.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Oh no, we're not working either.
17 EXT. STREET. DAY 17
DANIEL jumps out at SHIRA with many bags.
DANIEL
Well well well, if it isn't the
woman who got us all fired.
SHIRA shoots DANIEL squarely in the eyes with pepper spray.
SHIRA
Step back pervert!
DANIEL
My eyes!
SHIRA
Daniel? I thought you were...
DANIEL
A giant black man jumping out at
you menacingly?
SHIRA
What are you doing at my apartment?
DANIEL
I'm moving in since I can't afford
rent anymore.
SHIRA
I don't have time for this.
Can you get your bags out of my
way?
DANIEL
Can you get your pepper spray out
of my eyes?
SHIRA
Just call your parents. They're
rich.
DANIEL
I haven't seen them in 9 years.
SHIRA
I'm so sorry.
DANIEL
It's just really non-stop ya know.
Pride, Coachella, Bulking, Fasting,
Pride, Coachella, bulking
fasting. Where does one find the
time?
SHIRA
Oh my god! Just call them.
DANIEL
You're missing the point babe. I'm
not taking their money and bringing
them back into my life.
SHIRA
We can get through this.
We are strong, intelligent, people
of color.
DANIEL
And what color are you?
SHIRA
Oh I guess I don't get to have an
identity?
DANIEL
Here we go...
SHIRA
Daily people come up to me assuming
I speak Spanish, or Farsi, oh and
my people faced a literal genocide…
DANIEL
Chill girl, be whatever you want to
be.
SHIRA
(ignoring)
We will find something and
represent our communities in the
best light.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Tense Encounter in the Office Waiting Area
18 INT. OFFICE WAITING AREA. DAY 18
SHIRA walks into a waiting room and approaches a
receptionist. Shira is wearing big hoop earrings, red
lipstick, and a flower in her hair. She takes off her
sunglasses and she approaches the welcome desk.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, I will let you know the minute
he- they arrive. Yes I know what he
looks like.
We see a flyer for the movie "Speed-McGee" on her desk.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
Thanks.
SHIRA
Hi.
RECEPTIONIST
(without looking up)
Name?
SHIRA
Cha-cha Rodriguez
DANIEL, who is dressed like a gangster rapper, approaches
from behind.
DANIEL
Cha-cha is it?
SHIRA freezes in embarrassment
SHIRA
Yep Cha-cha. I have a one o’clock
appointment with Ms.Newlan.
DANIEL
Ah yes, and I’m Donnelle Flav I
gotta 1:30 with my girl Cathy.
SHIRA
Are you sure it's not Daniel?
Receptionist stops typing and becomes irritated.
DANIEL
I’m sure Charo. You here to get
me fired from another job?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh how cute. You two know each
other. Here are your forms. Fill
them out and Ms. Newlan will be
with you shortly.
SHIRA and DANIEL take their forms and sit across from each
other. They periodically look up at each other angrily while
filling them out.
A moment passes. Daniel looks around the room and feels the
embarrassment.
DANIEL
I can't believe I went to Columbia
for this.
SHIRA
Legacy.
DANIEL
Legacy of color Cal State
Northridge.
SHIRA
Represent!
There is a man attentively sitting next to SHIRA.
DANIEL
Who is that?
SHIRA
My bffrend
DANIEL
Your what?
SHIRA
Bffrend
DANIEL
What are you saying?
SHIRA
Boyfriend. He doesn't really talk.
I'm trying something healthy.
DANIEL
Anyway, whats with the get up.
SHIRA
I could ask the same thing. My
agent thought I'd have a better
shot at representing the
marginalized if I presented as a
more well known marginalized group.
So she suggested I...
DANIEL
..offend all of South America?
SHIRA
Present Latinx.
DANIEL
You’re Armenian.
SHIRA
Anyway, what’s your excuse?
DANIEL
I am exploring the urban roots
of the African American
experience...
SHIRA
Black
DANIEL
What?
SHIRA
I think the preferred term is
black.
DANIEL
I think I should know.
SHIRA
I'm just saying. Black.
FREDDY enters and nervously stands at the RECEPTIONIST desk.
No one notices him.
DANIEL
Will you stop saying black?
My agent thought I should present
with more authenticity.
SHIRA
You mean stereotypically?
DANIEL
Kettle, black.
SHIRA
Yes, black.
DANIEL
Stop.
FREDDY walks over.
FREDDY
You're both embarrassing.
DANIEL
Oh god you're here?
SHIRA
Welcome to the shit show.
RECEPTIONIST LOOKS UP
RECEPTIONIST
Oh my god! It's you! You're really
here!
FREDDY
It is me.
RECEPTIONIST
I was instructed to send you right
in. Aaron will be waiting for you
outside Ms. Newlan's office.
FREDDY
Well thank you Erin.
RECEPTIONIST
I'm Lucy.
FREDDY
Sorry. Which way?
RECEPTIONIST
Right through there.
19 EXT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY 19
AARON
Evan?
FREDDY
I thought it was Aaron? Or are you
Lucy?
AARON
That's that famous wit you share on
TikTok. Right this way zer.
FREDDY
Zer yes zer. (Freddy bows weirdly)
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Reality Show Pitch and Political Correctness
20 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 20
AARON
Your special arrival is here.
CATHY is taking a big line of coke off the table. She's
caught. She quickly hides the drugs and pretends to be fixing
her face in the mirror thus spilling coke all over herself.
CATHY
Pronouns?
FREDDY
..yes.
CATHY
PRONOUNS? Wait, is yes your
pronoun?
CATHY looks to AARON for assurance.
CATHY (CONT’D)
Aaron could you take your shirt
off. It always calms me down when
Aaron takes off his shirt. We're an
inclusive sex positive space.
AARON takes off his shirt
CATHY (CONT’D)
I'm she/her. At the network we
always incorporate pronouns into
our introductions.
CATHY waits for FREDDY to take the lead.
CATHY (CONT’D)
It's just my first time around a
a..a..well... What are you?
AARON squirts CATHY with a squirt bottle.
CATHY (CONT’D)
Sorry! Sorry. Aaron sprays me with
a squirt bottle when I say
something that isn't inclusive.
FREDDY looks confused and doesn’t respond. CATHY looks to
AARON for assurance.
CATHY (CONT’D)
I like your shirt. I think it’s
pretty.
That's OK for me to say right?
You guys...
CATHY winces in anticipation of being sprayed.
CATHY (CONT’D)
...are ok with that, I mean you
gals.
CATHY winces again
CATHY (CONT’D)
I mean...what are your fucking
pronouns?
A short pause while CATHY lets down her guard, and then a
long spray from AARON that completely soaks CATHY.
FREDDY
I like them all I guess. Guys,
Gals-
(in the style of Shania)
(Twain)
Let's go girls.
CATHY
Thank ...
CATHY becomes unsure if "you" is a pronoun or not.
CATHY (CONT’D)
You. I hear and
validate your experience.
FREDDY
Thank you?
CATHY
We have been trying to get in
contact with you because we have a
reality opportunity centered around
the life of...
CATHY takes a moment to figure out if non-binary people are
in fact people, or if that is an offensive term.
CATHY (CONT’D)
...people like you.
CATHY lets down her guard.
CATHY (CONT’D)
I’ll be honest I’ve never met a he/
she before.
AARON sprays her.
AARON
The proper term is non-binary- that
is if ...
AARON tries to identify the proper pronoun after being told
FREDDY likes all pronouns
AARON (CONT’D)
..they identify that way. We
really want to create a safe space
for the non-bi...
FREDDY burps loudly.
AARON (CONT’D)
...nary and trans community.
FREDDY
I'm totally, 100% non-bi, no doubt
about it. But you're one pretty
man. You gotta show me your ab
routine. No homo.
CATHY
Yes.
CATHY thinks she is getting it.
CATHY (CONT’D)
No homo! Get those homos out, it
is time for the Non-bis. We're
creating a tell all discussing the
complications of the gender
spectrum, told from the perspective
of a non-bi.
FREDDY
A day in the life of a non-bi
person. Yeah, we have been
underrepresented in the media.
CATHY
Alright Evan. Do you think we have
a deal?
FREDDY
Evan?
CATHY looks to AARON as if she said something wrong.
CATHY
Did I say something wrong? Look
Evan, we really need you.
FREDDY
Yeah, you keep calling me Evan...
CATHY
Would you prefer something else?
Let me tell ya, kid, I did
something crazy. I took an Ambien
and re-tweeted my favorite author
J. K. Rowling, and now there's a
shit storm! The trannies are out
for me, and I'm in hot water. If I
don't come up with something quick,
I'm toast. I gotta pull off a
miracle, a real hail Mary.
AARON just pours the spray bottle on her. She doesn't flinch.
CATHY (CONT’D)
Here's the deal, sweetheart. We're
more than ready to fork over a
sweet $200,000 upfront, just like
that! What do you need? You can
bring your own team. 'cause if
everything goes like a dream, that
number could easily skyrocket to a
cool million for the first season.
How does that sound, kiddo?
FREDDY
Where do I sign?
21 INT OFFICE WAITING AREA. DAY 21
We see FREDDY AND AARON shaking hands. AARON walks back into
the room. FREDDY is clearly a bit shaken.
FREDDY
See rookies? a natural leader, like
myself, can get the job done, no
gold chains or sombreros necessary.
DANIEL
You OK?
FREDDY beings hyperventilating
FREDDY
I think I may have just gotten
myself into a situation. I need
help.
SHIRA
I'm next.
22 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY/WAITING ROOM 22
CATHY is on speaker phone.
CATHY
Listen up shes, hes, bis and guys.
We're done here, no more pitches
today. We already stumbled upon our
golden goose, and this is show
business, not show make third-rate
artists feel better about their
terrible pilots. Adios, amigos!
Domo origato Mr.Roboto! Save your
phone calls, 'cause we've got our
winner!
AARON grabs the phone.
AARON
Yeah. We’re gonna need more liquid
for the spray bottles. Not vodka
Cathy kept stealing them to drink
out of.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Manipulation and Ambition
23 INT. WAITING ROOM 23
DANIEL
Fine, what do you need?
SHIRA
No, I'm done with anything related
to you.
FREDDY
Let's make our dreams come true!
Come on just say yes.
24 INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT 24
KAYLA's face is shown in a close
KAYLA
YES!
KAYLA is seen in bed with MORT, princess dress from earlier
on the floor.
MORT
Why are you fucking me?
KAYLA
I wouldn't call this fucking. This
is vanilla at best. Zero
penetration.
MORT
Hey I had a lot to drink OK. It
doesn't always work like it used
to.
KAYLA
Regardless, the audience for
something like this hasn't been
around since at least the early
2000s.
MORT
If you think this will get you back
in the will, it won't, but I do
have a blue pill if you want to
finish this off.
KAYLA
The will? You think that's what
this is about? My sights are on
something...
KAYLA peers under the covers
KAYLA (CONT’D)
... bigger.
KAYLA grabs under the covers.
MORT
Ow ow ow.
KAYLA
Listen, you and Freddy are
essentially the same. Stupid men
who think with your limp dicks.
MORT winces in pain.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Weak, fragile, and breakable.
MORT
Oh god! what do you want?
KAYLA
You're going to make me the next
Carmella. Who needs a will when you
can make it to the top yourself. I
will not be a party princess
forever.
MORT
You want to be a party queen?
KAYLA yanks again. MORT screams in pain.
KAYLA
I think I'll be doing the talking
here.
MORT
Look, Carmella's contract is pretty
air tight, it's not something that
can be easily changed...
Kayla's demeanor changes and she sounds innocent.
KAYLA
Oh no. You plied me with martinis
all afternoon. How did I end up in
this room?
MORT
What? What?
KAYLA feigns crying.
KAYLA
I don't even remember leaving the
restaurant. Me too! Me too!
MORT
You can't just call me too.
KAYLA
I can do whatever I want.
MORT winces in pain once more.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Now that you're all ears, here's
the plan.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
Ethics and Threats
25 INT. BAR. NIGHT 25
SHIRA, DANIEL, and FREDDY are sitting around.
SHIRA
No.
DANIEL
Maybe.
SHIRA
Seriously?
DANIEL
Look, I'm just going to say it.
SHIRA
What?
DANIEL
Our apartment needs a makeover. I
want a mini ice machine.
FREDDY
Our apartment?
DANIEL
Since she got us all fired, Taliban
and I have been living together.
SHIRA
It’s Tabakian!
FREDDY
That sounds so fun.
DANIEL
No, it sounds so poor.
SHIRA
This is unethical. Representation
is so necessary and we can not co-
opt this experience.
DANIEL
Enough with the damn woke shit.
SHIRA
Oh god Jordan Peterson, what are
you MAGA now?
DANIEL
I'm a classic liberal.
SHIRA
Dog whistle for “Alt-right.”
DANIEL
I'm still antiwar and pro union, I
just can't deal with this "look how
oppressed" I am crap.
SHIRA
You? You called the Starbucks
barista a white supremacist because
she charged you for an extra shot.
DANIEL
It's because I'm black.
SHIRA
She was black. Anyway, You're
missing the point, he's not non-
binary.
DANIEL
How do you know?
SHIRA
He's male presenting.
FREDDY
So because I'm male presenting I'm
a man?
SHIRA
Daniel? Anything?
DANIEL
No.
SHIRA
How are you be ok with this as
someone from the 2SLGBTQIA+
community?
DANIEL
Do not throw that wifi password at
me. This is boring. Let's skip to
the part where you say yes.
SHIRA
And just exploit marginalized
groups for clout? I care about
people.
DANIEL
Do you? How do we feel about the
plight of the literal slave who
mined the cobalt for your iphone?
SHIRA
Ok yes, there are exploitative
conditions in other countries, but
here in America...
FREDDY
We drunk order from sites that
"employ" children who end up losing
their fingers..
SHIRA
Watches one documentary with me..
Can you just go back to being an
idiot?
DANIEL
Shira we're broke!
SHIRA
Not that broke.
DANIEL
We have to start a go-fund me for
you every time we go to lunch.
SHIRA rolls her eyes.
SHIRA
We could try to..
DANIEL
Try to..
SHIRA
Narrate a legit story about the
intricacies of the gender spectrum
and try to further educate the
public on elements they may not be
aware of..
DANIEL
Yes.
FREDDY
Yes.
JASON
Yes.
FREDDY
Who even is this guy?
JASON, SHIRA’s boyfriend that has been there the whole time
stands up angrily. He says the next line with all the emotion
he has been storing up the entire episode not speaking.
JASON
JASON. My name is Jason.
JASON exits.
26 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 26
AARON is cleaning CATHY's office in a speedo. Her voicemail
plays.
27 INT. KATHY’S OFFICE DAY 27
KATHY is on the phone with a glass of wine in her hand.
KATHY
Hey Cathy it's Kathy, I'm calling
on behalf of my client Evan Miller.
Sorry we couldn't make it to your
little showcase thing. I'm sure all
the tv producers were so cute-
Anyway, here’s the deal slut. Steer
clear of the news, and all socials
for about a month and this will all
blow over. We've got the big guns
on our side –WarBro, The big
mouse... you know all those big
companies that won't take your
calls? Love you mama.
28 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY 28
Voicemail cuts out. AARON is in a state of panic. Cathy
bursts in on her phone in a state of panic.
CATHY
Go to channel 7.
AARON grabs remote and turns on TV
29 INT. NEWS REPORT 29
REPORTER
I am so sorry Robert, we will get
more on the crisis in Gaza in a
moment, but in bigger news, Popular
TikTok influencer and star of the
upcoming blockbuster "Speed Mcgee"
Evan Miller has been arrested for
once again attacking a female fan
in public.
30 INT. STORE. NIGHT 30
EVAN
What? You think you can just walk
up to me? You wanna fight?
EVAN puts a female fan in a headlock and pushes her to the
floor.
31 EXT. STORE. NIGHT 31
EVAN
What? You think you can just arrest
me? I identify as transgender non-
binary and I don’t want to be
arrested by a male officer.
COP
Too bad sir.
EVAN
You wanna fight?
EVAN punches the cop and then gets tazed to the floor.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
A Hopeful Discussion
32 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 32
CATHY shuts off the news report.
AARON
That's not the guy who was in our
office.
CATHY
No- but maybe that's a good thing.
We can mold a fresh non-bi into
something we can use.