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Scene 1 -  Lack of Focus and Professionalism
1 INTERIOR PRODUCTION STUDIO BATHROOM DAY 1

DANIEL is wearing a headset half on his face. He's sitting
watching a video on his phone.

2 INT. STUDIO (ON PHONE) 2

REPORTER
Network executive Cathy Newlan with
a statement after fears that she
would be dropped from the network
she founded:

CATHY
(As if in a hostage
video)
Hello? Oh we're filming. I
apologize to, well, anyone who has
ever been offended.

DANIEL
Go for Daniel.

REPORTER
She further posted to her social
media: I'd like to recognize the
traditional care takers of this
land. I don't know I guess its a
bunch of Indians or something-
tepee, not dot. Very good people.

DANIEL
Still going for Daniel.

SHIRA
(Over walkie)
We're waiting for you…

DANIEL
Can't I have a moment?

SHIRA
Hey dickwad, we were in the middle
of a shot.

DANIEL
I'm taking a shit.

3 INT. STUDIO 3

Freddy and Shira are directing Carmella.

SHIRA
Carmella, sweetheart, doing great.
We just need one more shot before
lunch.
CARMELLA
You're an alcoholic.

SHIRA
Camera shot. Maybe it's a language
barrier.

CARMELLA
I speak English you dumb ass.

SHIRA
Right.

FREDDY
Shira. Shira. Shira. check this
out.

Shira flicks Freddy on the forehead..

FREDDY (CONT’D)
Why are you flicking me?

SHIRA
Focus dickwad We've got talent on
set.

FREDDY
Is that like your word now?

CARMELLA
I need a micro nap.

Carmella immediately falls asleep. She begins snoring loudly.

DANIEL
Here I am massa!

SHIRA
Once again, telling you to do your
job, that you get paid oodles of
money to do, is not racist.

Daniel sets up his camera angrily.

FREDDY
Cathy Newlan, that chick that got
canceled- She's holding a diversity
showcase to find pilots from “new
voices.” This has your "girl boss"
shit written all over it.

SHIRA
Everyone! One more shot before I
can slam crafty chicken tendies in
my mouth. Can someone wake up
Carmella?
CARMELLA
I'm awake.

SHIRA
And action.

DANIEL
You're not the director.

FREDDY AND SHIRA
And action.

Daniel sticks out his tongue at Shira. Shira rolls her eyes.

4 INT. GRAPHICS 4

VIDEO of a neck is being shown. The first slide is a before
image of a wrinkly looking neck that appears to belong to a
woman in her 80's, the second is a smoothed out neck.

ANNOUNCER
This is the arm of a 35 year old
woman. Disgusting. But look. This
is the same arm after using “Hag No
More Advanced,” just one time.

5 INT ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 5

Camera up on Carmella Vieira.

CARMELLA
Olá, meus fãs maravilhosos! It's
me, the one and only Carmella
Vieira! You know me from
unforgettable shows like "Geriatric
Millennial Bachelorette Mud Fights"
and "Miami's Millionaire Mega
Sluts!"

6 EXT. OUTSIDE 6

Cuts of Carmella walking. Laughing. Smiling

CARMELLA (V.O.)
I'm here to spill the beans on my
little secret. It's the "Hag No
More" anti-aging cream!

7 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM 7

CARMELLA is sitting on the edge of a tub in a robe
suggestively applying the cream to her face
CARMELLA (V.O.)
I use it once a day, and guess
what? No revolting, saggy skin like
women in their 30's!

8 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM 8

CARMELLA
I owe it all to “Hag No More.” You
only get one life, so why waste it
living in the shadow of who you
once were. Be famous and hot like
me.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Daniel is caught watching a video on his phone in the production studio bathroom while Shira and Freddy direct Carmella. Shira and Freddy are frustrated with Daniel's lack of focus and professionalism. A video of a neck advertising an anti-aging cream is shown, and Carmella promotes the cream in an elegant sitting room. Tension arises between Shira and Daniel, and Carmella falls asleep during filming, causing conflicts that are not resolved in this scene. The tone of the scene is comedic and satirical, with key dialogue highlighting Cathy's hostage-like statement, Shira and Freddy's frustration, and Carmella's promotion of the cream. The visual elements include the neck video and Carmella's suggestive application of the cream. The scene concludes with Carmella continuing to promote the anti-aging cream in the elegant sitting room.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Satirical tone
  • Exaggerated characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining and humorous, with witty dialogue and exaggerated characters. It effectively satirizes the entertainment industry and tackles themes of ageism and beauty standards.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of satirizing the entertainment industry and the obsession with youth and beauty is unique and innovative. It offers a fresh perspective on these themes and provides social commentary.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Carmella promoting an anti-aging cream and the comedic interactions between the characters. While it is not a complex or intricate plot, it serves its purpose in delivering the humor and satire.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar in the context of a production studio, the dialogue and interactions between the characters bring a fresh and comedic approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are exaggerated and comedic, adding to the overall humor of the scene. Each character has a distinct personality and speaking style, which contributes to the comedic interactions.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character development or change in the scene. The focus is on comedic interactions rather than character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to have a moment of privacy and relaxation in the bathroom. This reflects their need for personal space and a break from the demands of their job.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to set up their camera and continue with their job as a cameraperson. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in the production studio.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal and mostly played for comedic effect. It revolves around the characters' interactions and misunderstandings.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there are some conflicts and tensions between the characters, they are mostly resolved quickly and do not pose significant obstacles to the protagonist.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are low, as it primarily focuses on humor and satire rather than high-stakes conflicts or dramatic tension.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the anti-aging cream promotion and showcasing the characters' dynamics. It sets up the comedic tone and establishes the context for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected and humorous dialogue exchanges between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, not knowing what witty remark or action will come next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene is primarily focused on humor and satire, so the emotional impact is limited. It aims to entertain and evoke laughter rather than evoke deep emotions.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and filled with humorous banter. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and adds to the comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, comedic moments, and the dynamic interactions between the characters. It keeps the audience entertained and interested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and energetic rhythm. The quick back-and-forth dialogue exchanges and the comedic timing create a lively and engaging atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by action and dialogue lines that progress the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Daniel in the bathroom watching a video on his phone, which seems disconnected from the rest of the scene. It could be more effective if there was a clearer connection between this opening and the rest of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Cathy and the reporter feels forced and doesn't add much to the scene. It could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The conflict between Shira and Daniel is established well, but it could be more nuanced. Right now, it feels like a one-dimensional conflict between a frustrated director and a lazy cameraman. Adding more depth to their relationship could make the scene more interesting.
  • Carmella's sudden sleepiness feels like a convenient plot device to add humor to the scene. It could be more effective if her exhaustion was established earlier in the scene.
  • The transition between the graphics of the anti-aging cream and Carmella's promotion of the cream is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The tone of the scene is comedic and satirical, but some of the jokes fall flat and feel forced. The humor could be improved by making it more subtle and nuanced.
  • The scene ends with Carmella promoting the anti-aging cream in an elegant sitting room, but it doesn't feel like a satisfying conclusion to the scene. It could be improved by adding a clearer resolution to the conflicts established earlier in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clearer connection between the opening scene in the bathroom and the rest of the scene.
  • Consider cutting the dialogue between Cathy and the reporter to streamline the scene.
  • Consider adding more depth to the conflict between Shira and Daniel to make it more interesting.
  • Consider establishing Carmella's exhaustion earlier in the scene to make her sudden sleepiness feel less like a plot device.
  • Consider smoothing out the transition between the graphics of the anti-aging cream and Carmella's promotion of the cream.
  • Consider making the humor more subtle and nuanced to improve the tone of the scene.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution to the conflicts established earlier in the scene to make the ending more satisfying.



Scene 2 -  A Conversation and a Request
9 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 9

FREDDY and SHIRA are watching the playback. They seem to be
very happy and impressed.

FREDDY
Old bitches...

SHIRA smacks FREDDY aggressively hard.

FREDDY (CONT’D)
Whatever- women are going to eat
this shit up!

SHIRA
They shouldn't. It's full of
testosterone and is 78% low grade
amphetamine.

FREDDY
My dad's going to love it. It's my
best work.

SHIRA
My best work.

FREDDY
I came up with the concept.

SHIRA
Sadistically demeaning women for
profit has been a concept since the
beginning of time.

FREDDY
Statistically.

SHIRA
Why does every man who stays in
shape after 25 have the vocabulary
of…
FREDDY
Doctors.

SHIRA
Doctors? You ruined my joke.
Doctors are really smart. The whole
point was…

FREDDY
That you think I'm in shape.

SHIRA
Shut up.

FREDDY
Anyway my dad's just the money, I'm
the creative master of my own
destiny.

SHIRA
One day all of this will be yours-
a trash infomercial company.

FREDDY
Yeah, by then maybe Kayla will
finally respect what I do.

SHIRA
The rodeo clown?

FREDDY
Party princess. Let's not make fun
of my girlfriend.

SHIRA
Fiancée.

FREDDY
Right. Fiancée. Wow.

SHIRA
Where's crafty? Lunch is almost
over.

She presses her walkie.

SHIRA (CONT’D)
Shira to Daniel. Shira to Daniel?
Daniel going once, Daniel going
twice. Anyone have eyes on Daniel?

PA
Daniel is flirting with the craft
services delivery guy.

DANIEL
Oh screw you, you little snitch. Go
for Daniel.
SHIRA
Stop distracting him. We need food
to set. Mama needs her chicken
tendies.

PA
We got vegan…

SHIRA rolls her eyes, exits to go deal with DANIEL.

10 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO HALLWAY. DAY 10

FREDDY is walking through to get to set.

PA
Oh my god! Are you that TikTok guy?

FREDDY
No!

FREDDY busts past him.

PA
Oh right!

PA shouts after FREDDY

PA (CONT’D)
Person! Sorry!

11 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 11

FREDDY enters. CARMELLA is casually eating the face cream.
She abruptly stops when FREDDY enters.

FREDDY
Carmella! So we're coming back from
break, and we just need to get this
one last shot with you.

CARMELLA
No.

FREDDY
No?

CARMELLA
No. Where's Mort?

FREDDY
Why do you need my dad?

CARMELLA
Because he's in charge.
FREDDY
No, I'm in charge. I need maybe
just a little more respect
from everyone.

CARMELLA
This infomercial- it's not my
brand. I don't do old anymore.

FREDDY
Anymore?

CARMELLA
I've decided to identify only as a
twenty two year old.

FREDDY
Freddy to Shira.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Freddy and Shira watch playback of their work and discuss it. They talk about their personal lives and Freddy's dad's involvement in the project. Shira tries to get in touch with Daniel and deals with him flirting with the craft services delivery guy. Freddy walks through the hallway and is recognized by a PA. He then enters an elegant sitting room where he talks to Carmella about the infomercial they are shooting. The scene ends with Freddy trying to convince Carmella to participate in the infomercial.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Satirical tone
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor and satire to critique the infomercial industry while also developing the characters and their relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of satirizing the infomercial industry is well-executed and provides a unique perspective on the topic.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters discuss their work, personal lives, and the challenges they face in the infomercial production.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of an infomercial and the conflict between creative vision and profit is not entirely unique, the specific dialogue and character interactions bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities, conflicts, and motivations.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, with the focus being more on establishing the characters' personalities and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gain respect and recognition for his creative work. He wants his girlfriend, Kayla, to respect what he does and also wants to be seen as the creative master of his own destiny.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Carmella to participate in the infomercial and get the final shot they need. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of completing the production successfully.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily through the characters' disagreements and Carmella's refusal to participate in the infomercial.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are conflicts and challenges presented, they are not extremely difficult to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of certain situations, adding some tension.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, primarily revolving around the success of the infomercial and the characters' personal relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome in the infomercial production.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters. The dialogue and interactions between Freddy, Shira, and other characters keep the audience guessing about their next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene regarding the nature of the infomercial and its impact on women. Shira criticizes the concept as sadistically demeaning women for profit, while Freddy defends it as a creative work that his dad will love. This conflict challenges their beliefs and values regarding the portrayal of women in media.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and satire rather than eliciting strong emotional responses from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, effectively conveying the characters' personalities and the satirical tone of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue between the characters. The banter and conflicts between Freddy and Shira, as well as the introduction of other characters like Carmella and Daniel, create interest and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue exchanges are quick and snappy, keeping the scene moving at a good pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The dialogue is properly attributed to the characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene transitions smoothly between different areas of the production studio.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the exchange between Freddy and Shira about the infomercial concept. It comes across as preachy and heavy-handed.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, which makes it feel aimless and unimportant in the overall story.
  • The visual elements in this scene are minimal and don't add much to the story or tone.
  • The character development in this scene is limited, with no new insights or revelations about the characters.
  • The humor in this scene is hit-or-miss, with some jokes falling flat and others feeling forced.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with no clear sense of urgency or purpose.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear conflict or tension to the scene, such as a disagreement between Freddy and Shira about the infomercial concept or a deadline that they need to meet.
  • Try to make the dialogue feel more natural and organic, with characters speaking in a way that feels true to their personalities and motivations.
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene, such as interesting camera angles or props that help to convey the tone and mood of the story.
  • Use this scene as an opportunity to develop the characters further, perhaps by revealing new information about their backgrounds or motivations.
  • Work on refining the humor in the scene, making sure that each joke feels organic and true to the characters and story.
  • Consider tightening up the pacing of the scene, making sure that each moment feels purposeful and moves the story forward in some way.



Scene 3 -  Frustration and Chaos in the Production Studio
12 INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 12

SHIRA storms over, DANIEL hands her a sandwich. DANIEL is
drinking out of a red solo cup.

We hear a PA over walkie.

PA
Paisleigh to Daniel.

DANIEL
Paisley? Who the hell is Paisley?

PA
It’s Pais-leigh. You’ve been
talking to me/they all afternoon?

DANIEL
Go for Daniel.

PA
Still no model.

DANIEL pulls out his phone and starts to swipe. He updates
the settings on his dating profile that initially says
"seeking boyfriend" to "seeking actor" and then changes it
back to "seeking actor/boyfriend" starts to swipe vigorously.

SHIRA
Is that booze?

DANIEL
No. Maybe. Why?

SHIRA grabs the cup and tosses the sandwich. DANIEL pulls out
a bottle of tequila and pours in into the cup. SHIRA chugs
it.
CARMELLA is on a rampage tearing through the studio. DANIEL
doesn't seem to care or notice. FREDDY is chasing her and
dodging things that are thrown at him. CARMELLA is showing
amazing feats of strength.

SHIRA
Freddy is trying to take credit for
the whole shoot, again.
Asshole- do you think he even
reads?

DANIEL
No, but to be fair I don't believe
you do either.

SHIRA
Oh. I can't read? I guess I'll just
become an instagram whore, or maybe
enter a diversity showcase...

SHIRA shows DANIEL an ad on her phone.

DANIEL
So desperate. A "diversity
showcase? Its like geez you have to
cover up your bullshit track record
of not telling minority stories by
having a whole damn showcase about
it?

SHIRA
Yeah sounds exploitative, and semi-
offensive...

DANIEL
(stopping her before she
can continue)
Oh I'm going.

SHIRA
You are?

DANIEL
Are you kidding? I always win at
this type of shit!

SHIRA
I should do it.

DANIEL
No.

SHIRA
I need an upgrade. I'm working
myself to death for people who
don't give a shit about me. I've
had other offers.
(MORE)
SHIRA (CONT’D)
There are people who want to read
my pilots. Instead I'm stuck in
this dead end, working for a silver
spooned daddy's boy dick head.

PA
Paisleigh to Shira.

SHIRA
What?

PA
You're still on walkie
Everyone can hear you.

MORT
Mort to Shira.

SHIRA
Oh shit. I mean. Coming.

SHIRA immediately runs off screen.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shira confronts Daniel and receives a sandwich from him. The PA announces the absence of a model. Daniel updates his dating profile while Shira drinks his tequila. Carmella goes on a rampage, with Freddy chasing after her. Shira shows Daniel an ad for a diversity showcase, which he decides to enter. Shira vents her frustration with her job and accidentally leaves her walkie-talkie on before running off.
Strengths
  • Witty and sarcastic dialogue
  • Engaging and chaotic atmosphere
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Not entirely unique concept

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor and frustration, creating an engaging and entertaining atmosphere. The dialogue is witty and sarcastic, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. The chaotic events and conflicts keep the audience invested in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a production studio filled with dysfunctional characters and personal conflicts is not entirely unique, but the scene executes it well by incorporating humor and highlighting the frustrations of the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters deal with the chaos in the studio and their personal issues. The conflicts and frustrations add tension and drive the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar in the context of the entertainment industry, the dialogue and character interactions bring a fresh and authentic perspective. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and reflect the challenges and frustrations of working in the industry.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their frustrations and conflicts are relatable. Their witty and sarcastic dialogue adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The character changes are evident as they express their frustrations and make decisions regarding their future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express her frustration and desire for change in her career and personal life. It reflects her deeper need for validation, recognition, and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront her coworker, Freddy, who is trying to take credit for the whole shoot. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with workplace politics and asserting herself in a competitive industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict level is high as the characters deal with personal frustrations, conflicts with each other, and the chaos in the studio.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension. The protagonist's frustration with her coworker and the challenges she faces in her career provide obstacles that she must overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate as the characters' personal and professional lives are affected by the chaos in the studio.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts, showcasing character frustrations, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected conflicts and challenges for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will handle the situation and what the consequences will be.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate as the scene focuses more on humor and frustration rather than deep emotional moments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and sarcastic, capturing the frustrations and conflicts of the characters. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the frustration and conflicts of the characters in a relatable and entertaining way. The sharp dialogue and the dynamics between the characters keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension through the dialogue and character interactions. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters and their dynamics. The dialogue and actions progress the scene and build tension, leading to a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose. It jumps from one interaction to another without a clear throughline.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the exchange between Shira and Daniel about the diversity showcase.
  • The conflict between Shira and Daniel is not fully explored or resolved in this scene, leaving it feeling unresolved.
  • The visual elements, particularly Carmella's rampage, feel disconnected from the rest of the scene and don't add much to the story.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with no clear sense of urgency or tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene to focus on one clear conflict or objective.
  • Work on making the dialogue feel more natural and organic to the characters.
  • Explore the conflict between Shira and Daniel more fully, and consider resolving it in this scene.
  • Reconsider the use of visual elements like Carmella's rampage, and focus on visual storytelling that supports the scene's purpose.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene by adding more urgency and tension to the interactions between the characters.



Scene 4 -  Chaos and Confrontation
13 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 13

FREDDY is awkwardly organizing pillows.

MORT
Why are you fucking me?

FREDDY
I've got this.

MORT
You do not “got this.” Taliban is
airing her dirty laundry all over
walkie.

FREDDY
Woah! Don't call her that.

MORT
That's her last name.

SHIRA enters.

SHIRA
Hello...

FREDDY
Wait… You sure?

MORT
Yeah. Carmella stormed out. You've
made her people very unhappy.
FREDDY
Mexican people?

MORT
Her team. Shira, get my son a brain
transplant.

SHIRA
On it boss.

SHIRA lays on FREDDY's shoulder and passes out. After a
moment she falls to the floor.

MORT
I told you today had to go
perfectly. This is reality star
money. Whats wrong with her?

FREDDY
I'll talk to her.

MORT
No I mean her.

FREDDY
That's what I said.

MORT
Which her is her?

FREDDY
Her.

MORT
She does not want to speak to you,
and I'm not going to make her.

FREDDY
Which her?

MORT
CARMELLA!

FREDDY
Shira can talk to her. She can
produce anyone.

SHIRA wakes up and pukes on Freddy's shoes.

MORT
She's “producing” just fine. We'll
need a few Mexicans to clean that
up.

FREDDY
That's super racist.
MORT
You can say Mexican but I can't?

FREDDY
Carmella’s actually Mexican.

MORT
She's Brazilian

SHIRA SITS UP

SHIRA
You should probably cut the “aye
Yai yais."

FREDDY
Shut up.

MORT
Your mom, bless her soul...

FREDDY
Mom lives in Rancho Santa
Margarita.

MORT
Bless her soul, was soft on you,
but I figured you'd eventually grow
into your responsibilities.

SHIRA STARTS LAUGHING

FREDDY
You're going to love the dailies.
It's our best work.

SHIRA
Our best work.

FREDDY
...Our best work.

MORT
You lost Carmella, so you don't
have any “work.”

SHIRA
Werk.

FREDDY
Come on dad. Cut me a break.

SHIRA
If you fire him you gotta fire me.

MORT
How about I fire all of you?
14 EXT. PRODUCTION STUDIO. DAY 14

A man in a harness walks up to PA holding various harnesses
and gay sex props.

PA
Paisleigh to Shira.

SHIRA
What?!

PA
Some grindr guy is here. He wants
to know what he should wear?

MORT
Sorry kid. This was your last
chance.

PA
He brought a few different color
harnesses?

15 INT. ELEGANT SITTING ROOM. DAY 15

MORT
You're out of the will.

FREDDY
Out of the will?

INT. FREDDY AND KAYLA’S HOUSE. NIGHT
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In an elegant sitting room, Freddy is organizing pillows when Mort confronts him about losing Carmella. As they argue, Shira enters and passes out on Freddy's shoulder, then proceeds to vomit on his shoes. Mort becomes even angrier and threatens to fire everyone. The tension escalates when a man in a harness arrives with gay sex props, leaving the conflict unresolved. The scene ends with Mort's threat hanging in the air, creating a chaotic and tense atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Humorous situations
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines comedy and drama, with witty dialogue and awkward situations that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the behind-the-scenes chaos of a production studio and the personal lives of the characters is interesting and provides a unique perspective.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the challenges faced by the characters in their professional and personal lives, creating conflict and humor.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and conflicts are familiar, the writer adds a fresh approach through the use of sharp and sarcastic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions. They have distinct traits and provide comedic moments.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on their interactions and comedic moments.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself capable and competent in handling the situation. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance from his father, as well as his fear of failure and disappointing others.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to resolve the issues caused by his mistakes and regain control of the situation. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the fallout from his actions and the potential consequences for his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between the characters due to misunderstandings and differing opinions, creating tension and humor.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and conflicts from multiple characters. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are not particularly high in this scene, as it focuses more on comedic moments and character interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts, showcasing character dynamics, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and the characters' actions. The audience is unsure of how the conflicts will unfold and what the characters will do next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits some emotional response through humor and awkward situations, but it is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationships. It adds depth and entertainment to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced dialogue, conflicts between the characters, and the tension-filled atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the scene and wants to know how the conflicts will be resolved.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The fast-paced dialogue and the conflicts between the characters contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for the characters. It's not clear what Freddy is trying to accomplish by organizing pillows or why Shira enters the room.
  • The dialogue between Mort and Freddy is confusing and lacks clarity. It's difficult to understand what they are talking about and why it's important.
  • The comedic elements in the scene, such as Shira passing out and puking on Freddy's shoes, feel forced and out of place.
  • The dialogue between Shira and Freddy lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship.
  • The introduction of the man in a harness and gay sex props at the end of the scene feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or progression of the conflicts established in the previous scenes.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slow and could benefit from tighter editing and more focused dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objectives of the characters in the scene. What are they trying to accomplish and how does it contribute to the overall story?
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Mort and Freddy to make it more clear and impactful. Focus on the conflict between them and the stakes involved.
  • Reconsider the comedic elements in the scene and make sure they are organic and serve a purpose in the story.
  • Develop the dialogue between Shira and Freddy to reveal more about their characters and their relationship. Use this scene as an opportunity for character development.
  • Reevaluate the introduction of the man in a harness and gay sex props. Make sure it is relevant to the story and adds to the overall narrative.
  • Create a clear resolution or progression of the conflicts established in the previous scenes. Use this scene to move the story forward.
  • Edit the scene for pacing and tighten the dialogue to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 5 -  Financial Woes and Job Loss
16 INT. KAYLA AND FREDDY'S HOUSE 16

KAYLA is storming around the house dressed as a Disney
princess. She has comically strange items she is attaching to
her body.

KAYLA
Daddy, daddy?

FREDDY
Stop!

Covering the phone.

KAYLA
Feeding into men's primal care
taking urges will get you whatever
you want.

FREDDY
Cool but can we like not…. Treat my
dad like an idiot?
Uncovers the phone

KAYLA
You can't cut Freddy out of the
will because I'll be out of the
will, and you wouldn't want that
right Daddy?

FREDDY
For the sake of my sanity please
stop calling him Daddy.

KAYLA
Let's go to lunch. Your treat. I'll
explain everything and we can come
to an agreement.

FREDDY
Kayla!

KAYLA covers the phone

KAYLA
Without "Daddy's" money we are
broke. Like, I'll actually have to
do sex stuff on my only fans broke,
and not the vanilla stuff. We're
talking at least mild to aggressive
BDSM.

FREDDY
I can figure this out.

KAYLA
Fine- you start an OnlyFans. How
are you with bodily fluids?

FREDDY
You've got a job...

KAYLA
Oh if I'm going to stand for an
hour in a dress of an iconic
princess I deserve...

FREDDY
Kayla, calm down.

KAYLA
Do I not seem calm?

FREDDY
Just...

KAYLA
I'll kill you!
FREDDY
Uhhh...

KAYLA
This is about my future!

FREDDY
Our future.

KAYLA takes a deep breath

KAYLA
See? Calm.

FREDDY
I've got a plan. There's a
diversity showcase coming up and
I've been putting together ideas...

KAYLA
Diversity? What you're a white cis
man.

FREDDY
Don’t say cis to me like its a
slur. Anyway, I’m Latino.

KAYLA
White passing Latino.

FREDDY
“Passing?” So because I don't look
like a bus boy I’m not Hispanic?

KAYLA
Nope, but that is why you're
racist.

FREDDY
How can I be racist against my own
people?

KAYLA
You tell me!

FREDDY
Anyway, I have ideas!

KAYLA
What kind of ideas does an
infomercial producer have?

KAYLA returns to the phone call.

KAYLA (CONT’D)
Hello? Hello? This isn't working.
FREDDY
Us?

KAYLA
No the phone. I was going to dial
back.

KAYLA starts crying.

KAYLA (CONT’D)
Oh no, we're not working either.

17 EXT. STREET. DAY 17

DANIEL jumps out at SHIRA with many bags.

DANIEL
Well well well, if it isn't the
woman who got us all fired.

SHIRA shoots DANIEL squarely in the eyes with pepper spray.

SHIRA
Step back pervert!

DANIEL
My eyes!

SHIRA
Daniel? I thought you were...

DANIEL
A giant black man jumping out at
you menacingly?

SHIRA
What are you doing at my apartment?

DANIEL
I'm moving in since I can't afford
rent anymore.

SHIRA
I don't have time for this.
Can you get your bags out of my
way?

DANIEL
Can you get your pepper spray out
of my eyes?

SHIRA
Just call your parents. They're
rich.

DANIEL
I haven't seen them in 9 years.
SHIRA
I'm so sorry.

DANIEL
It's just really non-stop ya know.
Pride, Coachella, Bulking, Fasting,
Pride, Coachella, bulking
fasting. Where does one find the
time?

SHIRA
Oh my god! Just call them.

DANIEL
You're missing the point babe. I'm
not taking their money and bringing
them back into my life.

SHIRA
We can get through this.
We are strong, intelligent, people
of color.

DANIEL
And what color are you?

SHIRA
Oh I guess I don't get to have an
identity?

DANIEL
Here we go...

SHIRA
Daily people come up to me assuming
I speak Spanish, or Farsi, oh and
my people faced a literal genocide…

DANIEL
Chill girl, be whatever you want to
be.

SHIRA
(ignoring)
We will find something and
represent our communities in the
best light.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Kayla, dressed as a Disney princess, argues with Freddy about their financial situation and suggests unconventional ways to make money. Freddy proposes a diversity showcase as a solution. Meanwhile, Daniel confronts Shira outside her apartment about their job loss and his living situation. The conflicts between Kayla and Freddy, as well as Daniel and Shira, remain unresolved in this comedic and sarcastic scene.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Effective blend of comedy and drama
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends comedy and drama, creating an engaging and entertaining dynamic. The dialogue is witty and sarcastic, adding depth to the characters' interactions. The conflict and emotional impact are high, driving the story forward and keeping the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a family facing financial crisis and the potential loss of inheritance is relatable and provides a strong foundation for conflict and character development. The scene effectively explores the complexities of family dynamics and the impact of financial struggles.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Freddy's attempt to find a solution to their financial crisis by participating in a diversity showcase. This plot point introduces a new opportunity for the characters and adds tension to the scene. It also sets up potential conflicts and character arcs for future development.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of financial insecurity and the conflict between the characters is familiar, the dialogue and the specific details of the characters' actions add a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through the dialogue. Freddy is portrayed as witty and resourceful, while Kayla is depicted as dramatic and manipulative. Their conflicting personalities create tension and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character growth or change in this particular scene, it sets up potential character arcs and development in the future. Freddy's determination to find a solution and Kayla's manipulative behavior hint at possible changes in their dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Freddy to help her secure her future and financial stability. This reflects her deeper need for security and her fear of being broke and having to resort to extreme measures.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Freddy to go to lunch with her and come to an agreement about their financial situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of resolving their financial issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Freddy and Kayla regarding their financial crisis and potential loss of inheritance is intense and confrontational. The pepper spray incident adds a comedic twist to the conflict, increasing the overall tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist and Freddy have conflicting goals and engage in a heated argument. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will resolve and what decisions the characters will make.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Freddy and Kayla, as they face the potential loss of inheritance and financial struggles. The scene also hints at the impact on their relationship and personal lives. The comedic elements add a lighter tone to the high stakes, balancing the overall tone of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the financial crisis, the diversity showcase opportunity, and the strained relationship between Freddy and Kayla. It sets up conflicts and potential resolutions, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected and humorous dialogue exchanges between the characters. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and what decisions the characters will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including humor, frustration, and concern. The strained relationship between Freddy and Kayla, as well as their financial struggles, create an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It effectively conveys the conflict and emotions in the scene, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and sarcastic dialogue, the tension between the characters, and the desperate situation they find themselves in. The conflict and the characters' actions keep the audience interested and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue exchanges are quick and snappy, keeping the scene moving at a good pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Kayla storming around the house dressed as a Disney princess, which seems out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall story or conflict.
  • The dialogue between Kayla and Freddy feels forced and unnatural. The conversation about her inheritance and OnlyFans account comes across as awkward and doesn't flow well.
  • The conflict between Kayla and Freddy over their financial situation is not fully explored or resolved in this scene. It feels like a missed opportunity to delve deeper into their relationship and the stakes of their predicament.
  • The dialogue between Daniel and Shira outside her apartment is filled with unnecessary banter and doesn't effectively address the conflict between them. It feels like a missed opportunity to further develop their characters and their dynamic.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or objective. It doesn't advance the plot or reveal new information that is crucial to the story.
  • The comedic elements in the scene feel forced and don't land effectively. The humor comes across as forced and doesn't flow naturally from the characters or the situation.
  • The scene lacks visual elements or actions that could enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The dialogue between Freddy and Kayla about the diversity showcase feels forced and doesn't effectively address the conflict between them. It feels like a missed opportunity to explore their differing perspectives and motivations.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the opening of the scene to better establish the conflict and stakes. Instead of Kayla storming around as a Disney princess, focus on her desperation and the financial situation that drives her to suggest extreme measures.
  • Revise the dialogue between Kayla and Freddy to make it more natural and engaging. Explore their relationship and the emotional impact of their financial struggles.
  • Develop the conflict between Kayla and Freddy further, allowing it to drive the scene and reveal more about their characters and motivations.
  • Streamline the dialogue between Daniel and Shira to make it more focused and impactful. Use this opportunity to deepen their conflict and explore their individual journeys.
  • Ensure that each scene has a clear purpose and objective that contributes to the overall story. Cut any unnecessary or extraneous elements that don't serve the narrative.
  • Refine the comedic elements in the scene to make them more organic and authentic. Use humor that arises naturally from the characters and their situations.
  • Introduce visual elements or actions that enhance the storytelling and engage the audience. Consider how the characters' physicality and surroundings can add depth to the scene.
  • Revisit the dialogue between Freddy and Kayla about the diversity showcase to make it more meaningful and relevant to their conflict. Explore their differing perspectives and motivations in a more nuanced way.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or transition at the end of the scene to create a smoother flow and maintain the audience's engagement.



Scene 6 -  Tense Encounter in the Office Waiting Area
18 INT. OFFICE WAITING AREA. DAY 18

SHIRA walks into a waiting room and approaches a
receptionist. Shira is wearing big hoop earrings, red
lipstick, and a flower in her hair. She takes off her
sunglasses and she approaches the welcome desk.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, I will let you know the minute
he- they arrive. Yes I know what he
looks like.

We see a flyer for the movie "Speed-McGee" on her desk.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
Thanks.

SHIRA
Hi.

RECEPTIONIST
(without looking up)
Name?

SHIRA
Cha-cha Rodriguez

DANIEL, who is dressed like a gangster rapper, approaches
from behind.

DANIEL
Cha-cha is it?

SHIRA freezes in embarrassment

SHIRA
Yep Cha-cha. I have a one o’clock
appointment with Ms.Newlan.

DANIEL
Ah yes, and I’m Donnelle Flav I
gotta 1:30 with my girl Cathy.

SHIRA
Are you sure it's not Daniel?

Receptionist stops typing and becomes irritated.

DANIEL
I’m sure Charo. You here to get
me fired from another job?

RECEPTIONIST
Oh how cute. You two know each
other. Here are your forms. Fill
them out and Ms. Newlan will be
with you shortly.

SHIRA and DANIEL take their forms and sit across from each
other. They periodically look up at each other angrily while
filling them out.

A moment passes. Daniel looks around the room and feels the
embarrassment.
DANIEL
I can't believe I went to Columbia
for this.

SHIRA
Legacy.

DANIEL
Legacy of color Cal State
Northridge.

SHIRA
Represent!

There is a man attentively sitting next to SHIRA.

DANIEL
Who is that?

SHIRA
My bffrend

DANIEL
Your what?

SHIRA
Bffrend

DANIEL
What are you saying?

SHIRA
Boyfriend. He doesn't really talk.
I'm trying something healthy.

DANIEL
Anyway, whats with the get up.

SHIRA
I could ask the same thing. My
agent thought I'd have a better
shot at representing the
marginalized if I presented as a
more well known marginalized group.
So she suggested I...

DANIEL
..offend all of South America?

SHIRA
Present Latinx.

DANIEL
You’re Armenian.

SHIRA
Anyway, what’s your excuse?
DANIEL
I am exploring the urban roots
of the African American
experience...

SHIRA
Black

DANIEL
What?

SHIRA
I think the preferred term is
black.

DANIEL
I think I should know.

SHIRA
I'm just saying. Black.

FREDDY enters and nervously stands at the RECEPTIONIST desk.
No one notices him.

DANIEL
Will you stop saying black?
My agent thought I should present
with more authenticity.

SHIRA
You mean stereotypically?

DANIEL
Kettle, black.

SHIRA
Yes, black.

DANIEL
Stop.

FREDDY walks over.

FREDDY
You're both embarrassing.

DANIEL
Oh god you're here?

SHIRA
Welcome to the shit show.

RECEPTIONIST LOOKS UP

RECEPTIONIST
Oh my god! It's you! You're really
here!
FREDDY
It is me.

RECEPTIONIST
I was instructed to send you right
in. Aaron will be waiting for you
outside Ms. Newlan's office.

FREDDY
Well thank you Erin.

RECEPTIONIST
I'm Lucy.

FREDDY
Sorry. Which way?

RECEPTIONIST
Right through there.

19 EXT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY 19

AARON
Evan?

FREDDY
I thought it was Aaron? Or are you
Lucy?

AARON
That's that famous wit you share on
TikTok. Right this way zer.

FREDDY
Zer yes zer. (Freddy bows weirdly)
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shira and Daniel arrive at an office waiting area for their appointments with Ms. Newlan. They exchange angry glances while filling out forms. Freddy also arrives and is recognized by the receptionist. Aaron leads Freddy to Ms. Newlan's office. The tension between Shira and Daniel remains unresolved in this scene.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Comedic timing
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Minimal emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly entertaining and effectively conveys the comedic tone and frustration of the characters. The dialogue is witty and the interactions between the characters create a sense of chaos and amusement.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the comedic and chaotic interactions between the characters in a professional setting. It effectively showcases the clash of personalities and the absurdity of their actions.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on the characters' interactions and their frustrations with their jobs. While it doesn't significantly advance the overall plot of the screenplay, it provides insight into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters waiting in an office is familiar, the dialogue and interactions between the characters are fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene are well-developed and their distinct personalities shine through their dialogue and actions. Their interactions create comedic moments and add depth to the overall story.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene. The characters' personalities and frustrations are further established, but there is no significant transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a good impression and navigate the awkward situation with the receptionist and Daniel. This reflects her desire to be seen as professional and successful.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fill out the forms and wait for her appointment with Ms. Newlan. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing in trying to advance her career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in this scene is primarily driven by the characters' frustrations with their jobs and their interactions with each other. While it is not a high-stakes conflict, it creates tension and comedic moments.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not very strong. The characters face minor obstacles and conflicts, but the audience can anticipate how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low. The characters' frustrations and conflicts are centered around their jobs and personal interactions, rather than life-or-death situations.

Story Forward: 6

While this scene doesn't significantly advance the overall story, it provides insight into the characters' relationships and frustrations. It adds depth to the narrative and sets up potential conflicts and developments in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and dialogue between the characters. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of this scene is primarily comedic, with moments of frustration and amusement. It doesn't evoke strong emotional responses but provides entertainment value through its humor.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, witty, and filled with sarcasm. It effectively conveys the characters' frustrations, humor, and unique personalities. The banter between the characters adds depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue, the tension between the characters, and the relatable situation of waiting in an office.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and allowing for comedic timing in the dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and progresses the scene through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Shira walking into the waiting room and approaching the receptionist. However, there is no clear reason or purpose for this interaction. It feels like a filler scene that doesn't contribute much to the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Shira and Daniel lacks depth and substance. It mostly consists of sarcastic remarks and banter, but there is no real conflict or tension between them. It feels like they are just going through the motions without any real purpose.
  • The introduction of Freddy in the scene feels forced and out of place. There is no clear connection between him and the other characters in the waiting room. His presence doesn't add anything meaningful to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Freddy and the receptionist is confusing and lacks clarity. The mix-up with the receptionist's name and the awkward bow from Freddy feels unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the story or character development.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the characters. It feels like they are just waiting around without any real purpose or direction. This makes the scene feel stagnant and uninteresting.
  • The humor in the scene falls flat. The sarcastic remarks and banter between the characters don't land and feel forced. The comedic timing and delivery need improvement to make the scene more engaging and entertaining.
Suggestions
  • Consider rethinking the purpose of the scene and how it contributes to the overall story. Is there a way to make the interaction between Shira, Daniel, and Freddy more meaningful and impactful?
  • Develop the conflict and tension between Shira and Daniel. Give them clear objectives and goals in the scene that create obstacles for each other. This will make their interaction more engaging and dynamic.
  • Reconsider the introduction of Freddy in the scene. If his presence doesn't serve a clear purpose or contribute to the story, consider removing him or finding a better way to integrate him into the scene.
  • Simplify the dialogue between Freddy and the receptionist. Make it clear and concise, focusing on the important information that needs to be conveyed.
  • Give the characters a clear objective or goal in the scene. This will create a sense of purpose and direction, making the scene more engaging for the audience.
  • Work on the comedic timing and delivery of the humor in the scene. Consider refining the sarcastic remarks and banter to make them more effective and entertaining.



Scene 7 -  Reality Show Pitch and Political Correctness
20 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 20

AARON
Your special arrival is here.

CATHY is taking a big line of coke off the table. She's
caught. She quickly hides the drugs and pretends to be fixing
her face in the mirror thus spilling coke all over herself.

CATHY
Pronouns?

FREDDY
..yes.

CATHY
PRONOUNS? Wait, is yes your
pronoun?

CATHY looks to AARON for assurance.
CATHY (CONT’D)
Aaron could you take your shirt
off. It always calms me down when
Aaron takes off his shirt. We're an
inclusive sex positive space.

AARON takes off his shirt

CATHY (CONT’D)
I'm she/her. At the network we
always incorporate pronouns into
our introductions.

CATHY waits for FREDDY to take the lead.

CATHY (CONT’D)
It's just my first time around a
a..a..well... What are you?

AARON squirts CATHY with a squirt bottle.

CATHY (CONT’D)
Sorry! Sorry. Aaron sprays me with
a squirt bottle when I say
something that isn't inclusive.

FREDDY looks confused and doesn’t respond. CATHY looks to
AARON for assurance.

CATHY (CONT’D)
I like your shirt. I think it’s
pretty.
That's OK for me to say right?
You guys...

CATHY winces in anticipation of being sprayed.

CATHY (CONT’D)
...are ok with that, I mean you
gals.

CATHY winces again

CATHY (CONT’D)
I mean...what are your fucking
pronouns?

A short pause while CATHY lets down her guard, and then a

long spray from AARON that completely soaks CATHY.

FREDDY
I like them all I guess. Guys,
Gals-
(in the style of Shania)
(Twain)
Let's go girls.
CATHY
Thank ...

CATHY becomes unsure if "you" is a pronoun or not.

CATHY (CONT’D)
You. I hear and
validate your experience.

FREDDY
Thank you?

CATHY
We have been trying to get in
contact with you because we have a
reality opportunity centered around
the life of...

CATHY takes a moment to figure out if non-binary people are
in fact people, or if that is an offensive term.

CATHY (CONT’D)
...people like you.

CATHY lets down her guard.

CATHY (CONT’D)
I’ll be honest I’ve never met a he/
she before.

AARON sprays her.

AARON
The proper term is non-binary- that
is if ...

AARON tries to identify the proper pronoun after being told
FREDDY likes all pronouns

AARON (CONT’D)
..they identify that way. We
really want to create a safe space
for the non-bi...

FREDDY burps loudly.

AARON (CONT’D)
...nary and trans community.

FREDDY
I'm totally, 100% non-bi, no doubt
about it. But you're one pretty
man. You gotta show me your ab
routine. No homo.

CATHY
Yes.
CATHY thinks she is getting it.

CATHY (CONT’D)
No homo! Get those homos out, it
is time for the Non-bis. We're
creating a tell all discussing the
complications of the gender
spectrum, told from the perspective
of a non-bi.

FREDDY
A day in the life of a non-bi
person. Yeah, we have been
underrepresented in the media.

CATHY
Alright Evan. Do you think we have
a deal?

FREDDY
Evan?

CATHY looks to AARON as if she said something wrong.

CATHY
Did I say something wrong? Look
Evan, we really need you.

FREDDY
Yeah, you keep calling me Evan...

CATHY
Would you prefer something else?
Let me tell ya, kid, I did
something crazy. I took an Ambien
and re-tweeted my favorite author
J. K. Rowling, and now there's a
shit storm! The trannies are out
for me, and I'm in hot water. If I
don't come up with something quick,
I'm toast. I gotta pull off a
miracle, a real hail Mary.

AARON just pours the spray bottle on her. She doesn't flinch.

CATHY (CONT’D)
Here's the deal, sweetheart. We're
more than ready to fork over a
sweet $200,000 upfront, just like
that! What do you need? You can
bring your own team. 'cause if
everything goes like a dream, that
number could easily skyrocket to a
cool million for the first season.
How does that sound, kiddo?

FREDDY
Where do I sign?
21 INT OFFICE WAITING AREA. DAY 21

We see FREDDY AND AARON shaking hands. AARON walks back into

the room. FREDDY is clearly a bit shaken.

FREDDY
See rookies? a natural leader, like
myself, can get the job done, no
gold chains or sombreros necessary.

DANIEL
You OK?

FREDDY beings hyperventilating

FREDDY
I think I may have just gotten
myself into a situation. I need
help.

SHIRA
I'm next.

22 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY/WAITING ROOM 22

CATHY is on speaker phone.

CATHY
Listen up shes, hes, bis and guys.
We're done here, no more pitches
today. We already stumbled upon our
golden goose, and this is show
business, not show make third-rate
artists feel better about their
terrible pilots. Adios, amigos!
Domo origato Mr.Roboto! Save your
phone calls, 'cause we've got our
winner!

AARON grabs the phone.

AARON
Yeah. We’re gonna need more liquid
for the spray bottles. Not vodka
Cathy kept stealing them to drink
out of.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Cathy, a drug-using TV executive, tries to cover up her drug use while pitching a reality show to Freddy, a non-binary person, and Aaron, her assistant. They discuss pronouns and inclusivity, with Cathy getting sprayed with a squirt bottle when she says something offensive. Despite initial confusion, Freddy agrees to the deal for the show. The scene ends with Cathy and Aaron discussing the need for more liquid for their spray bottles.
Strengths
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Satirical commentary on inclusivity and political correctness
  • Distinct and well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor and satire to critique the entertainment industry's obsession with inclusivity and political correctness. The dialogue is witty and sarcastic, creating an entertaining and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of satirizing inclusivity and political correctness in the entertainment industry is unique and innovative. It offers a fresh perspective on the topic and challenges societal norms.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around the characters' interactions during a pitch meeting. While it is not the central focus, it provides context for the satirical commentary on inclusivity and political correctness.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of gender identity and pronouns has been explored in other works, the scene brings a fresh approach by using humor and satire to address the subject matter. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene are well-developed and distinct. Each character represents a different aspect of the entertainment industry and contributes to the satirical tone of the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene. The focus is more on the characters' interactions and the satirical commentary.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the conversation and interactions around pronouns and gender identity without offending or excluding anyone. This reflects their deeper need to be accepting and inclusive, as well as their fear of saying something wrong or causing harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to secure a deal for a reality opportunity centered around the life of non-binary and trans individuals. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is primarily driven by the characters' differing perspectives and misunderstandings. It adds tension and humor to the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there is some tension and conflict between the characters regarding pronouns and gender identity, it is mostly played for comedic effect and does not create a significant obstacle for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low. While the characters' careers and reputations are at stake, the comedic tone and satirical nature of the scene downplay the seriousness of the situation.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the pitch opportunity and setting up potential conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it uses unexpected humor and satire to address the topic of gender identity and pronouns. The audience may not anticipate the comedic moments and reactions from the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between inclusivity and understanding of different gender identities versus the protagonist's lack of knowledge and experience in interacting with non-binary individuals. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as well as their worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of this scene is primarily comedic. It aims to entertain and provoke laughter rather than evoke deep emotional responses.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, witty, and filled with sarcasm. It effectively conveys the satirical tone and provides humorous commentary on the topic of inclusivity and political correctness.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a humorous and satirical take on a relevant social issue. The witty dialogue and comedic moments keep the audience entertained and interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action. The comedic timing and rhythm of the scene keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Cathy doing drugs, which seems out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall story or conflict.
  • The dialogue between Cathy, Freddy, and Aaron feels forced and unnatural, with characters constantly interrupting each other and not allowing for a natural flow of conversation.
  • The use of the squirt bottle as a way to enforce inclusivity and correct language feels heavy-handed and exaggerated, detracting from the satirical tone of the scene.
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for each character, making it difficult to understand their motivations and goals.
  • The dialogue is filled with unnecessary repetition and excessive use of pronouns, which slows down the pacing and makes the scene feel repetitive.
  • The ending of the scene, with Cathy abruptly ending the pitches and Aaron mentioning the need for more liquid for the spray bottles, feels rushed and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the conflicts introduced earlier in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the drug use element at the beginning of the scene, as it doesn't add much to the story and feels out of place.
  • Simplify the dialogue and allow for more natural pauses and exchanges between characters, allowing the conversation to flow more smoothly.
  • Tone down the use of the squirt bottle as a way to enforce inclusivity, as it feels exaggerated and detracts from the satirical tone of the scene.
  • Clarify the objectives and motivations of each character in the scene, making their actions and dialogue more purposeful and meaningful.
  • Streamline the dialogue and remove unnecessary repetition and excessive use of pronouns, making the scene more concise and engaging.
  • Reconsider the ending of the scene and provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflicts introduced earlier, allowing for a smoother transition to the next scene.



Scene 8 -  Manipulation and Ambition
23 INT. WAITING ROOM 23

DANIEL
Fine, what do you need?

SHIRA
No, I'm done with anything related
to you.
FREDDY
Let's make our dreams come true!
Come on just say yes.

24 INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT 24

KAYLA's face is shown in a close

KAYLA
YES!

KAYLA is seen in bed with MORT, princess dress from earlier
on the floor.

MORT
Why are you fucking me?

KAYLA
I wouldn't call this fucking. This
is vanilla at best. Zero
penetration.

MORT
Hey I had a lot to drink OK. It
doesn't always work like it used
to.

KAYLA
Regardless, the audience for
something like this hasn't been
around since at least the early
2000s.

MORT
If you think this will get you back
in the will, it won't, but I do
have a blue pill if you want to
finish this off.

KAYLA
The will? You think that's what
this is about? My sights are on
something...

KAYLA peers under the covers

KAYLA (CONT’D)
... bigger.

KAYLA grabs under the covers.

MORT
Ow ow ow.
KAYLA
Listen, you and Freddy are
essentially the same. Stupid men
who think with your limp dicks.

MORT winces in pain.

KAYLA (CONT’D)
Weak, fragile, and breakable.

MORT
Oh god! what do you want?

KAYLA
You're going to make me the next
Carmella. Who needs a will when you
can make it to the top yourself. I
will not be a party princess
forever.

MORT
You want to be a party queen?

KAYLA yanks again. MORT screams in pain.

KAYLA
I think I'll be doing the talking
here.

MORT
Look, Carmella's contract is pretty
air tight, it's not something that
can be easily changed...

Kayla's demeanor changes and she sounds innocent.

KAYLA
Oh no. You plied me with martinis
all afternoon. How did I end up in
this room?

MORT
What? What?

KAYLA feigns crying.

KAYLA
I don't even remember leaving the
restaurant. Me too! Me too!

MORT
You can't just call me too.

KAYLA
I can do whatever I want.

MORT winces in pain once more.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Now that you're all ears, here's
the plan.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a hotel room, Kayla manipulates Mort into helping her become the next Carmella. Despite Mort's hesitation, Kayla accuses him of plying her with martinis and reveals her ambitious plan.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Humorous moments
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited exploration of themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and comedic moments. However, it lacks some depth and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a princess using manipulation to gain power is interesting and adds tension to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Kayla reveals her plan to become the next Carmella and seeks control over her own destiny.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the power dynamics and manipulation between characters are familiar themes, the specific dialogue and interactions feel fresh and authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue reflect their personalities and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Kayla and Mort are well-developed and their dynamic creates conflict and humor.

Character Changes: 7

Kayla shows her determination to take control of her own destiny, while Mort experiences humiliation and pain.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert her power and control over the situation. She wants to prove that she is not just a party princess and that she can make it to the top on her own.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Mort to help her become the next Carmella. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of breaking free from her party princess image and achieving success on her own terms.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Kayla and Mort is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Mort resists the protagonist's attempts to manipulate and control him. The audience is unsure of how the power dynamics will play out and whether the protagonist will achieve her goals.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Kayla, as she seeks to break free from her princess persona and gain power.

Story Forward: 9

The scene reveals Kayla's plan and sets up a potential power shift in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and actions. The audience doesn't know how the power dynamics will play out and what the characters' next moves will be.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in her own power and control, and Mort's skepticism and resistance to change. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as she must confront the limitations and obstacles in her path.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene lacks emotional depth, focusing more on humor and satire.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the power struggle between Kayla and Mort.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp and confrontational dialogue, as well as the tension and power dynamics between the characters. The humor adds an element of unpredictability and keeps the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, and there are moments of intensity and humor that keep the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The scene is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character dialogue and actions. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between locations and characters. It jumps abruptly from the waiting room to a hotel room without any indication of the change. This can be confusing for the reader and disrupt the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue between Kayla and Mort feels forced and unnatural. The lines are overly explicit and lack subtlety. It would be more effective to convey their conflict and manipulation through subtext and nuanced dialogue.
  • The scene relies heavily on shock value and explicit language, which can be off-putting to some readers. It's important to consider the target audience and tone of the overall screenplay to ensure that the scene aligns with the intended tone.
  • The physical actions described in the scene, such as Kayla yanking Mort under the covers and Mort screaming in pain, feel exaggerated and unrealistic. It's important to maintain believability in the actions and reactions of the characters.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the setting and characters. Adding more visual elements can enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • The transition from Kayla accusing Mort of plying her with martinis to her revealing her plan to become the next Carmella feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother transition or a clearer connection between these two moments.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and underlying tension. Exploring the power dynamics between Kayla and Mort, as well as their hidden motivations, can add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • The scene could be condensed and streamlined to focus on the most essential elements of the conflict between Kayla and Mort. Removing unnecessary dialogue and actions can help maintain a tighter pace and keep the reader engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clear transitions or scene headings to indicate changes in location and characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Kayla and Mort to be more subtle and nuanced, focusing on subtext and hidden motivations.
  • Balance the use of explicit language and shock value with the overall tone and target audience of the screenplay.
  • Revise the physical actions to be more realistic and believable, avoiding exaggerated or cartoonish movements.
  • Include more visual descriptions and details to enhance the reader's visualization of the scene.
  • Create a smoother transition or clearer connection between Kayla accusing Mort of plying her with martinis and her revealing her plan to become the next Carmella.
  • Explore the power dynamics and hidden motivations between Kayla and Mort to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Condense and streamline the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and actions to maintain a tighter pace.



Scene 9 -  Ethics and Threats
25 INT. BAR. NIGHT 25

SHIRA, DANIEL, and FREDDY are sitting around.

SHIRA
No.

DANIEL
Maybe.

SHIRA
Seriously?

DANIEL
Look, I'm just going to say it.

SHIRA
What?

DANIEL
Our apartment needs a makeover. I
want a mini ice machine.

FREDDY
Our apartment?

DANIEL
Since she got us all fired, Taliban
and I have been living together.

SHIRA
It’s Tabakian!

FREDDY
That sounds so fun.

DANIEL
No, it sounds so poor.

SHIRA
This is unethical. Representation
is so necessary and we can not co-
opt this experience.

DANIEL
Enough with the damn woke shit.

SHIRA
Oh god Jordan Peterson, what are
you MAGA now?

DANIEL
I'm a classic liberal.
SHIRA
Dog whistle for “Alt-right.”

DANIEL
I'm still antiwar and pro union, I
just can't deal with this "look how
oppressed" I am crap.

SHIRA
You? You called the Starbucks
barista a white supremacist because
she charged you for an extra shot.

DANIEL
It's because I'm black.

SHIRA
She was black. Anyway, You're
missing the point, he's not non-
binary.

DANIEL
How do you know?

SHIRA
He's male presenting.

FREDDY
So because I'm male presenting I'm
a man?

SHIRA
Daniel? Anything?

DANIEL
No.

SHIRA
How are you be ok with this as
someone from the 2SLGBTQIA+
community?

DANIEL
Do not throw that wifi password at
me. This is boring. Let's skip to
the part where you say yes.

SHIRA
And just exploit marginalized
groups for clout? I care about
people.

DANIEL
Do you? How do we feel about the
plight of the literal slave who
mined the cobalt for your iphone?
SHIRA
Ok yes, there are exploitative
conditions in other countries, but
here in America...

FREDDY
We drunk order from sites that
"employ" children who end up losing
their fingers..

SHIRA
Watches one documentary with me..
Can you just go back to being an
idiot?

DANIEL
Shira we're broke!

SHIRA
Not that broke.

DANIEL
We have to start a go-fund me for
you every time we go to lunch.

SHIRA rolls her eyes.

SHIRA
We could try to..

DANIEL
Try to..

SHIRA
Narrate a legit story about the
intricacies of the gender spectrum
and try to further educate the
public on elements they may not be
aware of..

DANIEL
Yes.

FREDDY
Yes.

JASON
Yes.

FREDDY
Who even is this guy?

JASON, SHIRA’s boyfriend that has been there the whole time
stands up angrily. He says the next line with all the emotion
he has been storing up the entire episode not speaking.

JASON
JASON. My name is Jason.
JASON exits.

26 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 26

AARON is cleaning CATHY's office in a speedo. Her voicemail
plays.

27 INT. KATHY’S OFFICE DAY 27

KATHY is on the phone with a glass of wine in her hand.

KATHY
Hey Cathy it's Kathy, I'm calling
on behalf of my client Evan Miller.
Sorry we couldn't make it to your
little showcase thing. I'm sure all
the tv producers were so cute-
Anyway, here’s the deal slut. Steer
clear of the news, and all socials
for about a month and this will all
blow over. We've got the big guns
on our side –WarBro, The big
mouse... you know all those big
companies that won't take your
calls? Love you mama.

28 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE DAY 28

Voicemail cuts out. AARON is in a state of panic. Cathy
bursts in on her phone in a state of panic.

CATHY
Go to channel 7.

AARON grabs remote and turns on TV

29 INT. NEWS REPORT 29

REPORTER
I am so sorry Robert, we will get
more on the crisis in Gaza in a
moment, but in bigger news, Popular
TikTok influencer and star of the
upcoming blockbuster "Speed Mcgee"
Evan Miller has been arrested for
once again attacking a female fan
in public.

30 INT. STORE. NIGHT 30

EVAN
What? You think you can just walk
up to me? You wanna fight?
EVAN puts a female fan in a headlock and pushes her to the
floor.

31 EXT. STORE. NIGHT 31

EVAN
What? You think you can just arrest
me? I identify as transgender non-
binary and I don’t want to be
arrested by a male officer.

COP
Too bad sir.

EVAN
You wanna fight?

EVAN punches the cop and then gets tazed to the floor.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and confrontational scene, Shira, Daniel, and Freddy discuss the ethics of exploiting marginalized groups for clout while Jason finally speaks up. Meanwhile, Aaron cleans Cathy's office as she receives a threatening voicemail from Kathy. The news reports on Evan Miller's arrest for attacking a female fan and his subsequent altercation with the police, ending with him being tazed to the floor.
Strengths
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Engaging conflicts and dynamics between characters
  • Exploration of relevant themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and thought-provoking, with strong dialogue and comedic moments. The conflict between the characters adds tension and keeps the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring identity, representation, and social justice in the context of a conversation about apartment makeover is unique and interesting.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the discussion of apartment makeover and the ethical implications of exploiting marginalized groups. It provides a strong foundation for the conflict and character development.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of social issues is common, the specific dialogue and character interactions bring a fresh approach to the discussion.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their distinct personalities shine through their dialogue. Their conflicting viewpoints and witty exchanges create engaging dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, the dialogue and conflicts contribute to the development of the characters' perspectives and relationships.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Shira to agree to exploit marginalized groups for clout.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Shira to say yes to starting a go-fund me campaign.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters arises from their differing viewpoints on representation and exploitation. It creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and arguments between the characters.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal and ideological conflicts rather than life-or-death situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insights into the characters' lives, relationships, and perspectives. It adds depth to the overall story and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' arguments and reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Shira's belief in ethical representation and Daniel's dismissal of 'woke' culture.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene primarily focuses on humor and satire rather than emotional depth. However, the confrontational dialogue and sarcastic exchanges evoke a range of emotions from amusement to frustration.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and filled with sarcasm. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities, conflicts, and the underlying themes of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue that keeps the audience interested in the characters' conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a lively and engaging rhythm, with quick back-and-forth dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character names.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear dialogue and character actions.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is filled with sarcastic banter and snappy comebacks, which adds to the comedic tone. However, at times, the banter feels forced and the insults between Shira and Daniel become repetitive.
  • The conflict between Shira and Daniel over their living situation and the ethics of exploiting marginalized groups for clout is an interesting dynamic. However, the resolution of this conflict feels rushed and lacks depth.
  • The introduction of Jason, Shira's boyfriend, adds a new element to the scene, but his emotional outburst feels out of place and doesn't have a clear motivation.
  • The transition from the bar scene to Cathy's office feels abrupt and disjointed. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection between the two locations.
  • The voicemail from Kathy to Cathy adds an intriguing subplot, but the dialogue in this section could be tightened to make it more impactful.
  • The news report about Evan Miller's arrest adds a dramatic twist to the scene, but the dialogue between Evan and the cop feels cliché and lacks nuance.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions, which could be incorporated to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience visually.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the banter between Shira and Daniel to make it more varied and avoid repetitive insults. This will keep the comedic tone fresh and engaging.
  • Develop the conflict between Shira and Daniel further, allowing for a more satisfying resolution or a deeper exploration of their differing perspectives.
  • Provide clearer motivation for Jason's emotional outburst, ensuring it feels organic and justified within the context of the scene.
  • Improve the transition between the bar scene and Cathy's office, either by establishing a stronger connection or by smoothing out the shift in location.
  • Refine the dialogue in the voicemail scene between Kathy and Cathy to make it more impactful and concise, focusing on the key points of the threat.
  • Add more nuance and depth to the dialogue between Evan and the cop, avoiding clichés and exploring the complexities of the situation.
  • Incorporate significant visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience visually, adding depth to the scene.



Scene 10 -  A Hopeful Discussion
32 INT. CATHY’S OFFICE. DAY 32

CATHY shuts off the news report.

AARON
That's not the guy who was in our
office.

CATHY
No- but maybe that's a good thing.
We can mold a fresh non-bi into
something we can use.

AARON
Use?

CATHY
I smell a comeback.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Cathy and Aaron, the only characters present in Cathy's office, discuss their plans for a comeback. Cathy suggests they can mold a fresh non-bi into something they can use and smells a comeback. The tone of the scene is hopeful and optimistic. There are no conflicts or significant visual elements. The scene ends with Cathy and Aaron discussing their plans for a comeback.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Potential for character growth
  • Setting up a new direction
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a new direction for the characters and introduces a potential comeback storyline. The dialogue is engaging and hints at the possibility of character growth and development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of starting fresh and molding a new non-bi character is intriguing and offers potential for conflict and growth.

Plot: 7

The plot takes a turn as the characters decide to seize the opportunity for a comeback. It sets up a new direction for the story.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The office setting and the dialogue about exploiting a fresh non-bi person are familiar situations in many screenplays. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds some freshness to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination and ambition in their desire for a comeback. Their interaction hints at potential conflicts and growth.

Character Changes: 6

There is a potential for character changes as the characters embark on a new path, but it is not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to strategize and plan for a potential comeback. This reflects their deeper desire for success, recognition, and the need to regain power and influence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a way to use the fresh non-bi person mentioned in the news report for their own benefit. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the news report and the challenge of finding a new opportunity to exploit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is minimal in this scene, but the potential for conflicts arising from the characters' ambitions and the need to mold a new non-bi character is established.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no strong obstacle or immediate threat, the dialogue between Cathy and Aaron suggests potential conflicts and challenges that the protagonist will face in their pursuit of a comeback.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as the characters aim for a comeback and the potential for success or failure is established.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new direction and potential conflicts. It sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it hints at the protagonist's plans and motivations without fully revealing them. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will use the fresh non-bi person and what their comeback will entail.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate in this scene. There is a sense of hope and anticipation, but it could be further heightened.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' motivations and aspirations. It sets up potential conflicts and showcases their personalities.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a potential conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's plans and motivations. The concise and direct dialogue keeps the scene moving at a good pace.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because the concise and direct dialogue keeps the scene moving at a good pace. There are no unnecessary delays or digressions, allowing the plot to advance smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene heading, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of Cathy's office, followed by dialogue between Cathy and Aaron that advances the plot and reveals their goals and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and lacks any significant action or visual elements.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not reveal much about the characters or their motivations.
  • The tone of the scene is hopeful and optimistic, but it is not clear what Cathy and Aaron are hoping to achieve.
  • The conflict in the scene is not well-defined and there is no clear resolution.
  • The scene feels like a filler and does not add much to the overall story or character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more action or visual elements to make the scene more engaging.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters and their motivations.
  • Clarify the conflict and provide a clear resolution to make the scene more impactful.
  • Consider merging this scene with another scene to streamline the story and eliminate filler scenes.