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Scene 1 -  The King of Men Takes the Stage
EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCA 1850’S- DAY

A mid-nineteenth century circus unfurls. Colorful tents rise
against the blue sky, where laughter and gasps mingle in the
air. We catch fleeting glimpses of the attractions: a MAN
SWALLOWING FIRE, a BEARDED WOMAN casting a playful wink,
LITTLE PEOPLE JOUSTING on ELEPHANTS, and more.

We focus on a grand stage facing a sea of eager faces. JAKE,
(31), looks dapper in his RINGMASTER outfit as he is lowered
onto the stage by CORDS, Peter Pan style, while a DRUMROLL
echoes, igniting WILD APPLAUSE from the audience. He silences
the crowd with a thrash of his hand.

JAKE
Save your applause, ladies and
gentlemen. Please. Save as much of
it as you can, because believe me,
I have seen aberrations that defy
the laws of God and science, but no
other oddity or freak of nature
could have prepared me for what you
are about to witness. I present to
you the unholy offspring of angel
and neanderthal... When I found
this man, in Nova Scotia, he was
tipping the bilge water out of a
ship... Do not be fooled ladies and
gentlemen, the creature you see
here today is no more than a man,
no, but simply put, he is the very
most of Man, the very incarnation,
of the Divine Masculine. Today, I
give you, the one they call... The
King of Men.

An orchestra starts playing “ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA.” As the
music swells, a bright light blazes behind a curtain,
revealing the silhouette of something that looks like it
could wrestle God. The music swells again and the curtain
drops, revealing ANGUS MACASKILL, 31, impossibly tall,
inhumanly broad, with rippling forearms, biceps, quads,
etc... Hair covers most of his chest and some of his
shoulders. A warm, pained smile graces his handsome face. The
crowd goes deathly silent. Then erupts— gasping, clapping, a
wave of energy.

As the music continues to build, Angus steps forward,
effortlessly lifting Jake up under the armpits and raising
him high like a rag doll.

Angus playfully throws Jake up and down like a toddler. Jake
grins from ear to ear and kicks out his feet with glee as his
eyes start to well up with joy.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Fantasy"]

Summary In a vibrant 1850s circus, the charismatic ringmaster Jake introduces the main attraction, Angus MacAskill, the 'King of Men.' As Angus, an extraordinarily large and muscular man, is revealed, the audience gasps in awe. The scene highlights the playful camaraderie between Jake and Angus, culminating in a joyful moment where Angus lifts Jake high into the air, leaving the crowd exhilarated.
Strengths
  • Engaging introduction of characters
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Heartwarming interaction between characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is captivating with its grand introduction, mysterious atmosphere, and heartwarming interaction between the characters. It sets up intrigue and excitement for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of introducing a larger-than-life character in a circus setting is intriguing and well-executed, adding depth to the story and setting the stage for further developments.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced effectively through the introduction of Angus MacAskill, setting up potential conflicts and character dynamics for future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and larger-than-life character in Angus MacAskill, challenging traditional perceptions of strength and masculinity. The dialogue is theatrical and captivating, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Jake as the charismatic ringmaster and Angus as the enigmatic King of Men. Their interaction adds depth to the scene and sets up interesting dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the introduction of Angus MacAskill hints at potential growth and development for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 9

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to impress and entertain the audience with his introduction of Angus MacAskill. This reflects his desire for recognition, validation, and success in his role as the ringmaster.

External Goal: 8

Jake's external goal is to present Angus MacAskill as the 'King of Men' and to elicit a strong reaction from the audience. This reflects the immediate challenge of capturing the audience's attention and creating a memorable performance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not a significant conflict in this scene, the introduction of Angus MacAskill hints at potential conflicts and tensions to come, setting up future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jake must overcome the challenge of presenting Angus MacAskill as the 'King of Men' and capturing the audience's attention. The uncertainty of how the audience will react adds tension and suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the introduction of Angus MacAskill hints at significant challenges and conflicts to come, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key character and setting up potential plot developments, engaging the audience and building anticipation for what's to come.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected nature of Angus MacAskill's appearance and the audience's reaction to him. The tension and excitement build as the curtain drops, revealing a character who defies traditional expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of perception versus reality. Jake presents Angus as the 'King of Men,' building up an image of greatness and power, while the reality may be different. This challenges the audience's beliefs and perceptions of what makes someone extraordinary.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions from awe to joy, engaging the audience on an emotional level and setting up a connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and sets the tone for the scene, effectively introducing the characters and building anticipation for the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dramatic and captivating dialogue, the introduction of a larger-than-life character, and the sense of spectacle and wonder created by the circus setting. The audience is drawn into the excitement and anticipation of Angus MacAskill's reveal.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement as Angus MacAskill is revealed to the audience. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions creates a sense of anticipation and wonder, drawing the audience into the spectacle of the circus.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting, characters, and actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic introduction in a circus setting, building tension and excitement as Angus MacAskill is revealed to the audience. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in creating a sense of anticipation and wonder.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the circus setting and introduces Jake as a charismatic ringmaster, which sets a lively tone. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the pacing and maintain audience engagement. Some lines feel overly verbose and could be streamlined for clarity and impact.
  • The description of Angus MacAskill is vivid and creates a strong visual image, but it may benefit from a more nuanced introduction. Instead of solely focusing on his physical attributes, consider incorporating a hint of his personality or backstory to create a deeper connection with the audience.
  • The use of humor in Angus lifting Jake is a nice touch, showcasing their camaraderie. However, the transition from the dramatic reveal of Angus to the playful interaction could be smoother. The tonal shift might feel jarring to some viewers, so consider adding a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that bridges the two moods.
  • The crowd's reaction is crucial in this scene, but it could be more varied. Instead of a uniform gasp and applause, consider incorporating individual reactions or snippets of dialogue from the audience to create a richer atmosphere and enhance the sense of wonder.
  • The metaphorical language used in Jake's introduction of Angus is intriguing but may come off as overly theatrical. Simplifying some of the metaphors could make the dialogue feel more authentic and relatable, allowing the audience to connect with the characters on a personal level.
Suggestions
  • Revise Jake's dialogue to be more concise, focusing on key phrases that capture the audience's attention without losing the essence of his character.
  • Introduce Angus with a brief anecdote or a hint of his personality to create a more rounded character from the outset, rather than relying solely on physical description.
  • Add a transitional moment or line of dialogue after Angus's reveal to ease the shift from dramatic to playful, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • Incorporate diverse audience reactions to Angus's reveal, such as gasps, laughter, or even skepticism, to create a more dynamic and immersive atmosphere.
  • Consider simplifying some of the metaphorical language in Jake's introduction to make it feel more grounded and relatable, allowing the audience to connect with the characters more easily.



Scene 2 -  Awkward Connections at the Wedding
EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL- MODERN DAY- DUSK

Jake is still lost in the daydream, eyes welling up, still
lovingly fixed on Angus. Except he’s not at a mid-nineteenth
century circus, he’s at a modern day WEDDING RECEPTION. The
sounds of soft music and chatter play in the background, as
the groom, SAM, (33, sharp tux, man bun) is in the middle of
saying something to Jake.

SAM
...Not a good look.

Jake snaps back to reality. He hurriedly wipes his eyes.

SAM (CONT’D)
Where did you just go?

JAKE
I didn’t go anywhere... Just zoned
out.

SAM
Were you thinking about Angus?

Jake doesn’t respond.

SAM (CONT’D)
Jakey, I completely respect that
you need to process your special
interest sometimes. But listen to
me...

JAKE
I’m sorry, my “special interest?”
Are you quoting the DSM-5?

SAM
...Listen to me, Jakey. I’m being
super literal. Showing up solo to a
wedding in your 30s... Showing up
solo to every wedding... That’s
something people notice... I really
want you to try to find a date for
Mom’s wedding.

JAKE
Mom’s wedding is in a month. I
don’t know if I can stop being
autistic that fast.

LUCY, a BRIDESMAID, 31, interjects. She’s holding a glass of
champagne. We can kinda tell it’s not her first.


LUCY
Hey... Hi... Sorry to interrupt. My
friend and I were just arguing...
Please tell me you’re 6’4.

Jake shakes his head.

JAKE
Nope.

LUCY
6’3?!

JAKE
I’m 6’3 and seven-eighths.

Pause.

LUCY
...Oh... Gotcha... I was close...
Are you here with anyone by the
way?

JAKE
Yeah, the groom. Sam’s my brother.

LUCY
Wait Sam, this is your brother?

SAM
Yep. This is him.

LUCY
Oh my God, hi! I’m Lucy. I’m
friends with Rebecca.

JAKE
Hey. Nice to meet you.

LUCY
Didn’t you just get here though? I
didn’t see you at the ceremony.

JAKE
Yeah. I don’t really like crowds. I
get stressed out in any space where
I can’t go like this.

Jake does a unique little wiggle with his whole body.

LUCY
...Oh...


SAM
He’s joking.

LUCY
...Oh. Right. Haha... Well anyway,
my friend thought you were cute,
so... thought I’d let ya know.

JAKE
Thank you so much I really
appreciate that.

SAM
How bout you go talk to her Jake?

JAKE
Right, yeah... Absolutely.

Lucy leads Jake back towards RACHEL, 31, also a BRIDESMAID,
also holding a glass of champagne, also not her first. We
hear Jake’s heart THUMPING LOUDLY.

LUCY
Jake, this is Rachel.

JAKE
Sup, Rachel.

RACHEL
Ha. Sup... So what’s the verdict?

JAKE
I’m um... 6’4.

RACHEL
Fuck. Ok. I have to do another
shot.

LUCY
(to Jake)
Don’t worry though. That’s right in
Rachel’s preferred range.

RACHEL
Oh most definitely. Anything above
like 6’1 is perfect.

JAKE
What if a guy was 7’10”? Would that
still be perfect?

Pause.


RACHEL
...I um, I’m gonna say no because I
feel like he wouldn’t be healthy.

Jake lights up.

JAKE
Ok, fun fact, there was a circus
performer from Scotland in the
1850s that was 7’9”. His name was
Angus MacAskill. And reportedly he
was completely healthy.

RACHEL
...Wow.

JAKE
There’s an exact life size statue
of him in Scotland...

Jake pulls out his PHONE and shows them his HOME SCREEN. It’s
a picture of the Angus MacAskill statue.

JAKE (CONT’D)
There he is. Look at that fucker.
What an absolute unit.

RACHEL
Yeah wow.

REBECCA, the BRIDE, interjects.

REBECCA
Jake, can I borrow you for a sec?

JAKE
For sure.
(to Rachel and Lucy)
Nice to meet you.

Rebecca walks Jake away. She looks back at Rachel and Lucy
and mouths, “sorry.”

LUCY
What a waste of a hot guy.

We follow Rebecca and Jake as they walk away.

JAKE
What’s up?

REBECCA
Did you talk about Angus MacAskill
to my friends?


JAKE
...It was organic this time.

REBECCA
No... Jake... Didn’t we discuss
that that was only something you
were gonna talk about with me and
Sam?... Jake, we can’t...

Rebecca trails off.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
It’s really starting to be a lot,
the way Sam and I kind of, like,
assist you? You know? I don’t know.
I mean we care about you so much...

JAKE
No that’s completely
understandable. I can clean my room
by myself.

REBECCA
No, it’s not just that... We invite
you to everything we can,
because... we want you to have a
social life. But, it’s starting to
feel like... you might be a risk.

Jake’s eyes widen.

JAKE
Because I brought up Angus to your
friends?!

REBECCA
No!... I mean, yes, but...
everything else, too... Sorry, that
sounded so mean.

JAKE
Becks, you don’t realize how good I
would get at doodle jump without
you guys... Literally world class.

Rebecca just gives Jake a sad, sympathetic smile.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Look up the leaderboards online!
You have no idea what I’m actually
saying.


REBECCA
Sam and I are always gonna be
rooting for you Jake. I still
visualize for you all the time,
that you’ll find someone, and the
four of us hang out and do life
together...

Jake gets stiff.

JAKE
...Right. I have actually been
seeing someone. I was gonna wait to
tell you guys till after the
wedding.

Rebecca perks up.

REBECCA
Wait, actually?

JAKE
Yeah. You would love her.

REBECCA
You’re telling the truth?

JAKE
Hundred percent.

REBECCA
Oh my God that’s exciting. Bring
her to the housewarming party.

JAKE
...What housewarming party?

REBECCA
Our housewarming party this weekend
before we leave for the Maldives.

JAKE
Oh. I hadn’t heard about that yet.

REBECCA
You guys should come. I mean, Jake,
it’s not like I was saying goodbye.
I wanna meet this girl.

JAKE
Great, we’ll be there. And I want
you to know Becks that I’m gonna
change.


REBECCA
No, never change, Jake. Just... get
better.

Time has PASSED. It is now NIGHT. The outdoor dance floor
buzzes with energy. Jake is sitting by himself, DOUBLE
FISTING TWO TEQUILA SUNRISES. He notices people start to look
over at him, including Rachel and Lucy. Suddenly self-
conscious, he gets up with both his drinks and walks away.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary At a modern wedding reception, Jake daydreams about Angus MacAskill, causing him to zone out during a conversation with his concerned brother, Sam, who encourages him to find a date for their mother's wedding. Flirtatious bridesmaid Lucy introduces him to Rachel, but Jake's unique interests lead to awkward interactions. Rebecca, the bride, later expresses her worries about Jake's social skills, though he reassures her by claiming he is seeing someone. As night falls, Jake feels self-conscious and retreats, sitting alone with drinks while others notice him.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively balances humor and emotional depth, providing insight into the protagonist's struggles and growth. The dialogue is engaging, and the interactions feel authentic and relatable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring social anxiety and personal growth within the setting of a wedding reception is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's journey towards self-acceptance and connection with others.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's social challenges and the revelation of his personal growth to his friends. It moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts within the character relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on social dynamics and personal growth, with characters who defy stereotypes and engage in meaningful conversations. The authenticity of the dialogue and interactions adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each with distinct personalities and motivations. The interactions between the characters drive the scene forward and reveal deeper layers of their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant growth and self-realization throughout the scene, moving towards greater self-acceptance and openness to connection with others. His interactions with the characters reflect this transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and manage his special interests in a way that is acceptable to others. He struggles with feeling misunderstood and judged for his behavior, and he desires acceptance and understanding from his friends and family.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to find a date for his mom's wedding and to improve his social skills. He is pressured by his brother and friends to engage more in social situations and make an effort to connect with others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the protagonist's social anxiety and his desire for acceptance. The tension arises from his struggles to connect with others and overcome his insecurities.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jake faces internal and external challenges that test his social skills and personal growth. The audience is left wondering how he will navigate these obstacles and evolve as a character.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in the scene, the emotional stakes for the protagonist in terms of acceptance and personal growth are significant. The outcome of his interactions and revelations has a meaningful impact on his character arc.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the story by revealing key aspects of the protagonist's journey and setting up future developments in his relationships and personal growth. It introduces new dynamics and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the nuanced portrayal of social dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complexities of the relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between individuality and societal expectations. Jake's unique personality and interests clash with the norms and pressures of social interaction, leading to a struggle for acceptance and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to empathy, as the protagonist navigates his social challenges and personal revelations. The emotional depth adds layers to the character dynamics and relationships.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, authentic, and engaging, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationships. It blends humor with emotional depth, adding richness to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and emotional depth. The interactions between the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats that maintain the audience's interest. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that advances the plot and develops the characters' relationships. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the vibrant circus atmosphere to a modern wedding reception, showcasing Jake's daydreaming and his fixation on Angus MacAskill. However, the contrast between the two settings could be emphasized further to highlight Jake's internal struggle with social situations. The juxtaposition of the joyful circus with the awkwardness of the wedding could be more pronounced to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Jake's character is well-established as socially awkward and deeply invested in his interests, but the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. For instance, when Sam discusses Jake's need to find a date, it feels somewhat on-the-nose. Instead, consider using more indirect dialogue that reveals Sam's concern without explicitly stating it, allowing the audience to infer the tension.
  • The introduction of Lucy and Rachel adds a layer of potential romantic interest, but their characters could be fleshed out more. Currently, they serve as plot devices rather than fully realized individuals. Adding unique traits or quirks to these characters could make their interactions with Jake more engaging and memorable.
  • Rebecca's intervention is a pivotal moment that reveals Jake's struggles, but her dialogue could be more nuanced. Instead of stating that Jake might be a 'risk,' consider using language that conveys her concern in a more compassionate way. This would deepen the emotional impact of the scene and make Jake's reaction more poignant.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly towards the end. The transition from the conversation with Rebecca to Jake sitting alone with his drinks could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that emphasizes Jake's isolation before he walks away.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the contrast between the circus and the wedding by incorporating more sensory details that reflect Jake's discomfort at the wedding, such as the sounds of laughter feeling overwhelming compared to the circus's applause.
  • Revise Sam's dialogue to include more subtext about his concern for Jake's social life, perhaps by sharing a personal anecdote that relates to Jake's situation, making it feel more relatable.
  • Develop Lucy and Rachel's characters by giving them distinct personalities or quirks that make their interactions with Jake more dynamic. This could involve unique dialogue or physical mannerisms that set them apart.
  • Rework Rebecca's dialogue to express her concern in a more empathetic manner, perhaps by sharing a personal story about her own struggles with social situations, which would create a stronger emotional connection with Jake.
  • Consider adding a moment where Jake reflects on his daydream about Angus before he sits alone, perhaps visualizing Angus's strength as a metaphor for his own insecurities, which would deepen the thematic resonance of the scene.



Scene 3 -  A Thunderous Encounter
INT. BATHROOM STALL INSIDE BANQUET HALL- MOMENTS LATER

Jake sits on the toilet, pants ON, playing DOODLE JUMP on his
phone and nursing one of his drinks.

The sound of NOTICEABLY HEAVY FOOTSTEPS comes into the
bathroom. Out of the corner of his eye, Jake sees TWO
IMPOSSIBLY LARGE FEET walk up to the urinal next to his
stall. Jake cannot believe the absurd size of these feet.

What follows is AN IMPOSSIBLY DEEP AND POWERFUL SOUNDING
PISS. Jake is increasingly amazed as the stream reverberates
through the restroom like thunder. At it’s apex it sounds
like a firehose hitting an iron vault.

The stream finally subsides into a faint trickle before
petering out. The giant man zips up and then walks out of the
bathroom with more heavy footsteps.

Jake grins like he’s just seen an old friend.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a light-hearted bathroom scene, Jake sits on the toilet, amusedly playing Doodle Jump while nursing a drink. He is taken aback by the arrival of a giant man whose enormous feet indicate his size. As the man uses the urinal, the thunderous sound of his urination fills the restroom, leaving Jake in awe. After the giant exits, Jake grins, feeling as if he has just met an old friend, reveling in the absurdity of the moment.
Strengths
  • Humorous moment with the giant man
  • Effective portrayal of Jake's emotions and loneliness
  • Intriguing setup for potential conflicts and character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, awe, and introspection, creating a memorable and engaging moment for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake encountering a giant man in the bathroom adds an element of surprise and intrigue to the scene, setting up potential character development and conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through Jake's encounter with the giant man, adding depth to his character and potentially setting up future conflicts or resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a mundane situation (using the bathroom) with a twist (encountering a giant man). The authenticity of Jake's reaction and the vivid description of the event add to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, particularly Jake, are well-developed in this scene, showcasing his humor, loneliness, and potential for growth.

Character Changes: 7

Jake experiences a subtle shift in his emotions and self-awareness during the scene, setting up potential character growth in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to find amusement and distraction from the event happening outside the bathroom stall. It reflects his need for escapism and his desire for entertainment in mundane situations.

External Goal: 6

Jake's external goal in this scene is to use the bathroom in peace and quiet. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the noise and presence of the giant man in the restroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is not a significant conflict in this scene, the potential for conflict is hinted at through Jake's emotional state and interactions with others.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong in the form of the giant man's presence, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty for Jake.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not particularly high in this scene, the emotional impact and potential for character development add depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Jake's character and potentially setting up future conflicts or resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected presence of the giant man and the humorous way in which the situation unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of humor, awe, and loneliness in the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor and awe of the situation, as well as Jake's introspective thoughts and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, surreal elements, and the unexpected twist of encountering a giant man in the bathroom.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and humor leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedic moment in a screenplay, with a setup, escalation, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's sense of wonder and fascination with the giant man, which aligns with his character's ongoing theme of feeling small in a world that often overwhelms him. However, the humor derived from the urination sound may come off as juvenile or overly simplistic, potentially alienating some viewers. It might be beneficial to explore more nuanced ways to convey Jake's awe.
  • The setting of a bathroom stall is an interesting choice, as it contrasts sharply with the vibrant wedding atmosphere outside. This juxtaposition could be used to further emphasize Jake's feelings of isolation and discomfort in social situations. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details that evoke the bathroom's atmosphere, enhancing the comedic and surreal elements.
  • While the scene is brief and to the point, it lacks a deeper emotional or narrative connection to Jake's character arc. It feels somewhat disconnected from the previous scene's emotional weight, where Jake struggles with social anxiety. Adding a moment of introspection or a thought that connects this experience back to his feelings about Angus or his social struggles could create a stronger narrative thread.
  • The dialogue is absent in this scene, which is fine for a moment of silent observation, but it might be interesting to include Jake's internal monologue or thoughts as he experiences this moment. This could provide insight into his character and enhance the comedic effect of the situation.
  • The ending, where Jake grins as if he has seen an old friend, is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to his earlier fascination with Angus MacAskill. Perhaps he could have a fleeting thought about Angus during this moment, reinforcing the connection between the two characters and deepening the audience's understanding of Jake's admiration.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding sensory details to the bathroom setting, such as the smell, the lighting, or the sounds of the wedding outside, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Incorporate Jake's internal thoughts or a brief monologue to provide insight into his feelings about the giant man and how it relates to his own insecurities or admiration for Angus.
  • Explore the comedic potential of the situation further by having Jake react in a more exaggerated or humorous way, perhaps by imagining the giant man as a superhero or a larger-than-life character.
  • Connect this scene more explicitly to Jake's character arc by having him reflect on his feelings of inadequacy or his desire for connection while observing the giant man.
  • Consider using the giant man's presence as a catalyst for Jake to confront his own feelings about size, strength, and social interactions, potentially leading to a moment of growth or realization.



Scene 4 -  Grocery Store Dating Dilemmas
INT. TRADER JOE’S- DAY

Jake stands behind a register, bagging groceries in his
TRADER JOE’S UNIFORM AND NAME TAG. He’s daydreaming again.
Still grinning as he mindlessly stuffs groceries into a bag.
Next to him, ringing the groceries up is MAISLEY, 20, PURPLE
DREADS, sassy ray of sunshine.

Across the register a CUSTOMER talks on the phone.

MAISLEY
Jake, sorry to interrupt, it looks
like a good one, but... you just
crushed this lady’s avocados.

Jake snaps back to reality.

JAKE
Oh, uhhh... no. They’re ok.


Jake rearranges a few things in the bag. The customer looks a
bit concerned but keeps talking on the phone.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Maisley... question for ya... On
what number date with someone would
you say it becomes appropriate to
invite them to a party?

MAISLEY
I don’t know... second date. At the
earliest.

JAKE
That’s what ChatGPT said. And dates
are generally a couple days apart
right?

MAISLEY
...I guess.

JAKE
That means I need to start dating
someone in the next...

He does a little mental math.

JAKE (CONT’D)
...Three or four hours.

MAISLEY
What’s the party?

JAKE
My brother and sister-in-law’s
housewarming party. Which I was
only invited to because they think
I’m bringing a date.

MAISLEY
...That’s why you wanna start
dating? To prove to big bro you can
pull?

JAKE
That’s part of it... I mean, the
prospect of being fully known and
fully loved is pretty appealing,
but, I think that’s just an
instinct selected by evolution.

CUSTOMER 1
I’m really sorry. I’m actually in a
kind of a hurry...


MAISLEY
(to the customer)
Ma’am, we’re going as fast as we
can. I’m gonna have to ask you to
be patient.

The customer stands there with her arms crossed.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
(to Jake)
In one of my psych classes I
learned that men without partners
are more than twice as likely to
develop schizophrenia.

JAKE
(to the customer)
Did you want the milk in the bag?

The customer nods her head.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(to Maisley)
Can someone be autistic and
schizophrenic? And just be stuck
having awkward interactions with
people that aren’t there?

CUSTOMER 1
Wait, where are my eggs?

She starts unpacking the bag. She pulls her hand up, covered
in YOLK.

JAKE
Oh, I’m sorry.

MAISLEY
Ma’am, I’ll go grab you some new
ones.

CUSTOMER 1
Terrific.

Maisley walks away. Jake stands there awkwardly.

JAKE
Last stop for the day?

CUSTOMER 1
What?

JAKE
Is this your last stop for the day?


Silence.

Time has PASSED. Maisley stands idly by the register, sipping
on MATCHA TEA. Jake is going register to register, pushing a
CLEANING CART, collecting trash. He stops by Maisley’s
register and collects her mini trash can.

MAISLEY
Lol. Always on cleaning.

JAKE
The mates have decided I’m not
“cash register material.”

Maisley laughs just as she’s sipping on her MATCHA TEA. She
accidentally spits some onto the register.

JAKE (CONT’D)
...I got it.

MAISLEY
Sorry.


Jake wipes it with a PAPER TOWEL and gives Maisley a sassy
look.

JAKE
...How does one secure a first date
these days Maisley?

MAISLEY
I met my girlfriend on Hinge...
Tall guys crush it on the apps.

JAKE
Right, but “works at a grocery
store” takes off about a foot and a
half.

MAISLEY
We can leave the job part blank...

JAKE
...Are you sure?

Maisley smiles.

MAISLEY
Phone.

He hands it over.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a light-hearted scene at Trader Joe's, grocery store employee Jake daydreams about dating while bagging groceries with his sassy co-worker, Maisley. As they discuss his need for a date to his brother's housewarming party, a frustrated customer interrupts, leading to a mishap with her eggs. Maisley steps in to resolve the issue, and after the chaos, Jake seeks her advice on dating, culminating in her offering to help him with her phone to secure a first date.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Some pacing issues in the dialogue
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines humor, introspection, and social awkwardness to create an engaging and relatable moment in the protagonist's life. The dialogue is witty and the character dynamics are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of the scene revolves around Jake's quest to find a date and his musings on relationships and social norms. It explores themes of loneliness, connection, and self-discovery in a light-hearted and relatable way.

Plot: 8.1

The plot of the scene focuses on Jake's dilemma of finding a date for a party, which drives the character interactions and humor. It moves the story forward by highlighting Jake's social struggles and desire for connection.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic 'finding a date' trope by infusing it with humor, philosophical musings, and relatable character interactions. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.4

The characters are well-developed, with Jake being portrayed as awkward yet endearing, and Maisley as sassy and supportive. Their interactions feel authentic and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jake undergoes a subtle change in the scene, moving from a state of social anxiety and self-doubt to a more determined and hopeful mindset. His interactions with Maisley and reflections on dating hint at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to find a date for his brother's housewarming party to prove himself to his family and potentially experience the prospect of being fully known and loved.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to secure a date for the party to meet his family's expectations and avoid embarrassment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Jake grapples with his social anxiety and desire for connection. The tension arises from his awkward interactions and the pressure to find a date for the party.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with minor obstacles and challenges that add conflict and tension to Jake's quest for a date, keeping the audience intrigued.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on Jake's personal struggles and social dilemmas rather than life-threatening or high-stakes situations. However, the emotional stakes are high for Jake in his quest for love and connection.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up Jake's quest to find a date for the party and establishing his internal conflict and desire for connection. It advances the narrative while developing the character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue, character reactions, and the protagonist's internal monologue, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of seeking validation through relationships and the balance between personal desires and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting feelings of empathy, humor, and reflection. The audience can relate to Jake's struggles and root for his journey towards finding love and connection.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective, capturing the essence of the characters and driving the scene forward. It effectively conveys the awkwardness and humor of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable character dynamics, and humorous interactions that keep the audience invested in Jake's quest to find a date.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, humor, and character development, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and introspection that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical format for a dialogue-driven, character-focused scene in a screenplay, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's awkwardness and his desire for connection, which aligns well with the overall theme of the screenplay. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when Jake discusses the evolutionary aspects of love. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • Maisley's character shines through her sass and humor, but her dialogue sometimes feels too on-the-nose, especially when she mentions the statistics about men without partners. This could be more subtly integrated into the conversation to avoid feeling like a lecture.
  • The interaction with the customer adds a layer of tension, but it could be enhanced by giving the customer a more defined personality or reaction. Right now, she feels like a plot device rather than a fully realized character, which detracts from the scene's overall impact.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial banter between Jake and Maisley is engaging, but the transition to the customer interaction feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the comedic rhythm and keep the audience engaged.
  • Jake's internal conflict about dating is relatable, but the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. For instance, showing Jake's body language or facial expressions while he talks about his insecurities could add depth to his character without relying solely on dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it feel more organic. For example, instead of Jake explaining the evolutionary aspect of love, he could express his feelings in a more personal way, perhaps sharing a brief anecdote.
  • Enhance the customer character by giving her a memorable line or reaction that reflects her frustration. This could create a more dynamic interaction and add humor to the scene.
  • Smooth out the pacing by adding a brief moment of silence or a visual gag after the customer interrupts. This could allow the audience to absorb the humor before moving on to the next beat.
  • Incorporate more physical comedy or visual cues to illustrate Jake's awkwardness. For example, showing him fidgeting with the groceries or making exaggerated facial expressions could enhance the comedic tone.
  • Explore Maisley's character further by giving her a moment of vulnerability or insight about dating, which could deepen her relationship with Jake and provide a more balanced dynamic.



Scene 5 -  Mopping Up Misconceptions
INT. TRADER JOE'S BATHROOM- DAY

The door is propped open. Jake is busy mopping. Puddles cover
the tile floor. Maisley lounges against the propped door,
engrossed in Jake’s phone.

MAISLEY
Ok. “I’m looking for...” blank.

JAKE
A plus-one for my brother’s
housewarming party.

Maisley starts typing.

MAISLEY
“Looking for my neurodivergent
queen.”

JAKE
No don’t put that.

MAISLEY
Why not?

JAKE
...Would you date someone with
purple dreads?

MAISLEY
...What does that mean.

He wheels the mop bucket out. Maisley follows.

JAKE
It means two negatives don’t
necessarily make a positive.

MAISLEY
...You don’t want to date an
autistic woman? Is that what you’re
trying to say?

JAKE
No... I’m trying to say...
Evolution is trying to squeeze me
out, Maisley...

MAISLEY
Are we looking for a date to a
party or someone to make offspring
with?... And I’m still waiting to
hear back on my diagnosis, so...
watch yourself.


Jake wheels the mop bucket into the adjacent bathroom. He
props the door open. Maisley goes in after him.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the Trader Joe's bathroom, Jake mops the floor while Maisley leans against the door, distracted by his phone. They discuss Jake's struggle to find a date for his brother's housewarming party, with Maisley humorously suggesting he seek a 'neurodivergent queen.' Jake expresses discomfort with the idea, leading to a deeper conversation about neurodiversity and his views on dating. The scene blends light-hearted banter with introspective themes, ending with Jake wheeling the mop bucket into the adjacent bathroom as Maisley follows.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character development
  • Engaging interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and awkwardness to delve into Jake's character and his dating dilemmas, providing insight into his struggles and unique perspective.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Jake's dating challenges and social interactions in a humorous and reflective manner is well-executed, providing depth to his character and setting up potential growth and development.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Jake's quest to find a date for his brother's housewarming party, setting up his dating dilemma and showcasing his interactions with Maisley and the customer, moving the story forward and providing insight into his character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the topic of dating and relationships, exploring deeper themes through everyday conversations. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Jake and Maisley, are well-developed and engaging, with their unique personalities and interactions driving the scene forward and providing depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Jake undergoes some internal reflection and growth in the scene, particularly in his interactions with Maisley and the customer, setting up potential changes in his approach to dating and social interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his feelings towards dating and relationships, reflecting his deeper fears of not fitting societal norms and desires for acceptance and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a plus-one for his brother's housewarming party, reflecting the immediate challenge of social expectations and obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around Jake's dating dilemmas and social awkwardness, adding depth to his character and setting up potential growth and development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges that add depth to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively low in the scene, focusing more on Jake's personal struggles with dating and social interactions, setting up potential growth and development for his character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up Jake's dating dilemma and potential growth, providing insight into his character and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' dialogue and the exploration of complex themes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with societal norms and expectations regarding dating and relationships, challenging his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from amusement to concern, effectively engaging the audience in Jake's character and struggles with dating and social interactions.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective, effectively conveying Jake's personality and struggles with dating, adding depth to the scene and engaging the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue and the exploration of deeper themes through everyday interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor with deeper introspection, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamic between Jake and Maisley, showcasing their playful banter and contrasting perspectives on dating. However, the dialogue could benefit from more clarity regarding Jake's feelings about dating neurodivergent individuals. The current phrasing may confuse readers about his stance, as it seems to imply a negative connotation without fully exploring his internal conflict.
  • The humor in the scene is present but could be enhanced by incorporating more physical comedy or visual gags, especially given the setting of a bathroom where absurdity can thrive. For instance, Jake could have a mishap with the mop or the bucket that adds a layer of comedy to the dialogue.
  • The transition between the two bathrooms feels abrupt. While it serves to move the characters physically, it could be more creatively integrated into the dialogue or action to maintain the flow of the scene. Consider using the transition as a moment for a humorous or insightful comment from either character.
  • Maisley's line about waiting for her diagnosis is a strong moment that adds depth to her character. However, it could be expanded to provide more context about her feelings regarding her diagnosis and how it affects her view on dating. This would create a more nuanced conversation about neurodiversity.
  • The ending of the scene feels somewhat flat. While it concludes with the characters moving into another bathroom, it lacks a punchy or memorable line that could leave a lasting impression on the audience. A strong closing line or action could elevate the scene's impact.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Jake's feelings about dating neurodivergent individuals by having him articulate his thoughts more explicitly. This could involve him sharing a personal anecdote or a humorous observation that reflects his internal struggle.
  • Incorporate physical comedy elements, such as Jake slipping on the wet floor or struggling with the mop bucket, to enhance the humor and visual interest of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between bathrooms by adding a humorous or insightful comment from Jake or Maisley that reflects their ongoing conversation, making the movement feel more organic.
  • Expand on Maisley's comment about her diagnosis to provide more context and depth to her character. This could lead to a more meaningful discussion about their shared experiences and perspectives on dating.
  • Consider adding a memorable closing line or action that encapsulates the essence of the scene, leaving the audience with a strong impression of Jake and Maisley's dynamic.



Scene 6 -  Bathroom Banter and Bold Moves
INT. OTHER TRADER JOE’S BATHROOM- CONTINUOUS

Jake starts refilling the paper towel dispenser and the
toilet seat cover dispenser. Maisley is still glued to his
phone.

MAISLEY
Ok, drinking alcohol: Never,
Sometimes, or Often?

JAKE
Often.

MAISLEY
Great... “Sometimes.” I geek out
on...

JAKE
Leave that one blank too.

MAISLEY
What was that big guy’s name again?
Isn’t he your special interest?

JAKE
(peeved)
My “special interest?” No, my
special interest is trains
remember?

Maisley gives him a look. She thrusts the phone back at him.

MAISLEY
That was the last prompt.

Through the wall, Jake hears the SAME IMPOSSIBLY MIGHTY PISS
SOUND reverberating from the other bathroom he just mopped.
He starts listening.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
What?

JAKE
Do you hear that?

MAISLEY
Hear what?

Jake leans in, listening intently. Maisley looks at him like
he’s nuts.


MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Oh my God, it’s happening...

Jake’s phone BUZZES as the piss sound trickles off. He looks
at his phone and smiles.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Ooo! Lemme see!

Maisley grabs the phone. She starts typing.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
“Drinks tonight?” Sent. You’re
welcome.

She hands the phone back to Jake.

JAKE
I don’t know this person, Maisley.
What are we supposed to talk about?

MAISLEY
Bro... Ask her how her day was and
go from there. It’s not hard.

His phone BUZZES again.

Jake looks at the phone and smiles again. He shows Maisley
the response. It’s a WINKY FACE EMOJI followed by a PHONE
NUMBER.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ, Jake. Do you realize
how easy your life could have been?

Jake rolls the mop bucket out of the bathroom.

JAKE
I try not to think about it.

After exiting the bathroom, Jake spots a trail of IMPOSSIBLY
LARGE WET SHOE PRINTS coming out of the bathroom he mopped
earlier. He follows them a little bit. They gradually
disappear. He looks up and doesn’t see anyone in the store
that isn’t normal sized. Jake grins again.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In the Trader Joe's bathroom, Jake is busy with his tasks while Maisley playfully teases him about his drinking habits and social interactions. As they chat, a loud urination sound from the adjacent stall piques Jake's curiosity. Maisley encourages him to text someone for drinks, taking the initiative to send a message on his behalf. Despite his initial reluctance, Jake finds humor in the situation, especially when he discovers large wet shoe prints leading out of the bathroom, ending the scene on a light-hearted note.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Quirky character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor, romance, and character development in a relatable and entertaining way. The dialogue is witty, the pacing is engaging, and the setting adds a quirky charm to the overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring dating, social awkwardness, and self-discovery in a mundane setting like a grocery store bathroom is fresh and engaging. The scene effectively uses humor and character dynamics to drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Jake's attempts to find a date for his brother's party, leading to humorous and awkward interactions with Maisley. It advances the subplot of Jake's social struggles while adding depth to his character.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on social interactions in a mundane setting, with unique character dynamics and humorous moments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jake and Maisley are well-developed and engaging. Their quirky personalities and witty banter add depth to the scene and drive the humor and romance elements forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there is subtle character development for Jake as he navigates his social challenges, the changes are not drastic in this scene. It sets up potential growth and self-discovery for Jake in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and potentially make a connection with someone. This reflects his desire for companionship and possibly romance.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to figure out the source of the loud pee sound he hears from the other bathroom. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Jake's social struggles and awkwardness. The tension arises from his attempts to navigate the dating world and find a date for his brother's party.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Jake facing challenges in socializing and solving the mystery of the loud pee sound.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing on Jake's personal social challenges and romantic pursuits. While important to the character's growth, the stakes do not have significant external consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the subplot of Jake's dating struggles and setting up potential romantic developments. It adds depth to Jake's character and advances the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected source of the loud pee sound and the mystery of the wet shoe prints.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jake's reluctance to engage in social interactions and Maisley's easygoing attitude towards it. This challenges Jake's beliefs about the difficulty of socializing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement to empathy for Jake's social struggles. The humor and awkwardness create a relatable and engaging emotional experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and natural, capturing the awkward yet endearing dynamic between Jake and Maisley. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between characters, the mystery of the loud pee sound, and the dynamic between Jake and Maisley.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions, dialogue, and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the comedic tone established in previous scenes, particularly through the banter between Jake and Maisley. Their dynamic is engaging, showcasing their friendship and contrasting personalities.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, with Maisley's teasing about Jake's drinking habits and special interests providing humor while also revealing character traits. However, the reference to Jake's 'special interest' in trains feels slightly forced and could benefit from a smoother integration into the conversation.
  • The introduction of the 'impossibly mighty piss sound' adds a humorous auditory element that enhances the scene's comedic value. However, the transition from this auditory cue to Jake's phone buzzing could be more seamless to maintain the comedic rhythm.
  • Jake's internal conflict about social interactions is subtly woven into the scene, particularly through his hesitance to engage with the person Maisley texts on his behalf. This adds depth to his character, but it could be further emphasized to highlight his growth throughout the screenplay.
  • The visual element of the large wet shoe prints is a clever and amusing detail that ties back to the earlier scenes, reinforcing the theme of Jake's fascination with larger-than-life characters. However, the payoff of this detail could be enhanced by providing a more explicit reaction from Jake, perhaps reflecting on the absurdity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the line about Jake's 'special interest' in trains to make it feel more organic within the conversation. Perhaps Maisley could reference a specific train-related anecdote that Jake has shared, making it more relatable.
  • Enhance the transition between the sound of urination and Jake's phone buzzing by incorporating a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes Jake's anticipation, creating a stronger comedic effect.
  • To deepen Jake's character development, include a moment where he reflects on his social anxieties after Maisley sends the text. This could be a brief internal monologue that highlights his fears and desires, adding emotional weight to the humor.
  • Expand on Jake's reaction to the wet shoe prints. Instead of just grinning, consider having him voice a humorous thought or observation that ties back to his fascination with larger-than-life characters, reinforcing his unique perspective.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene maintains a consistent rhythm. If the dialogue feels too quick in places, consider adding pauses or reactions that allow the humor to land more effectively.



Scene 7 -  Awkward Encounters
INT. BAR- NIGHT

Jake sits at a table by himself. He’s well dressed. We hear
his heart THUMPING LOUDLY again. His phone tells him it’s
7:39. He tries out a few different resting facial
expressions. HALEY, 28, approaches the table.


HALEY
Hi!

He stands up and offers a handshake.

JAKE
Hey! How was your day?

HALEY
Oh, um, it was pretty good! Nice to
meet you by the way...

JAKE
Right, nice to meet you too. Sorry
about that.

They sit down.

HALEY
All good... So my day was mostly
good, thank you for asking. I got
lunch with my friend from college,
and I got some interesting news
from my mom.

JAKE
Oh cool where’d you go to college?

HALEY
...Um, I went to Arizona State.

JAKE
Oh I bet that was fun.

Pause.

HALEY
Yeah. I enjoyed it.

A WAITRESS comes by with a FROZEN STRAWBERRY MARGARITA.

WAITRESS
Here ya go.

She sets it down in front of Haley.

JAKE
Actually that’s mine.

WAITRESS
Oh, my mistake.

She slides the drink over to Jake.


WAITRESS (CONT’D)
(to Haley)
What can I get ya?

HALEY
Espresso martini?

WAITRESS
I’ll be right back.

The waitress walks away.

JAKE
Hell yeah. Little caffeine? The
night is young.

HALEY
How’s the strawberry marg?

She tries not to giggle.

JAKE
Exceptional. Does part of me wish I
had ordered something a little more
masculine? You bet. But... I’m not
a scotch guy.

HALEY
I like scotch.

JAKE
Well there ya go. We’re breakin’
barriers here...

She forces a giggle. Jake looks pleased with his banter.

HALEY
So what do you do?

JAKE
I do um... Trading.

HALEY
Love it. How’s trading.

JAKE
It’s great. No complaints.

HALEY
Great. Love that. What’s a day in
the life look like?


JAKE
Ummm...Lotta early mornings... Not
much to report, honestly.

Pause.

HALEY
...Gotcha. Lots of early
mornings... Outside of work what
kind of stuff are you into?

JAKE
Hmmmm... stuff that’s pretty niche
usually.

HALEY
Oooo love that. Like what?

JAKE
Trust me, you would not find it
interesting.

HALEY
Try me.

He holds back a grin.

JAKE
Nah. My brother’s wife specifically
told me never to talk about it.

HALEY
Wow so serious.

He gives in to the joy.

JAKE
Ok fine. Right now I’m really
passionate about Angus Macaskill.

HALEY
Who’s that?

JAKE
He was a circus performer from
Scotland in the 1850s.

HALEY
Oh.

While Jake is talking, we see a MONTAGE OF ANGUS MACASKILL IN
THE 1850s.


WE SEE HIM AS HE PERFORMS IMPOSSIBLE FEATS OF STRENGTH, LIKE
THROWING A 300 POUND MAN OVER A 10 FOOT WOODPILE, LIFTING A
FULL GROWN HORSE TO CHEST HEIGHT, HOLDING 250 POUND WEIGHTS
AT ARMS LENGTH WITH ONLY TWO FINGERS EACH, AND WALKING ON THE
BEACH WITH A MASSIVE ANCHOR.

JAKE
He was a circus strongman. And
based on the descriptions we have
of his feats of strength, we can
assume that he was by far the
strongest human who ever lived. He
was listed as that in the Guinness
Book of World Records in 1981.

HALEY
Wow.

She nods. Trying to look interested.

JAKE
Yeah... Sorry, I told you it was
niche.

HALEY
You did.

The WAITRESS returns with Haley’s drink.

WAITRESS
Espresso Martini for you. Can I get
you guys anything else?

HALEY
I think we’re all set.

WAITRESS
Great. I’ll be back with the check.

The waitress leaves. There’s a brief awkward pause.

JAKE
So you got some interesting news
from your mom?

HALEY
Yes! Oh my God. So apparently she’s
been getting migraines pretty bad
recently and I just found out she’s
going in for a scan tomorrow to
make sure everything’s ok.


JAKE
Ok, it’s crazy that we were just
talking about him, but Angus
Macaskill actually died of brain
fever. So, hopefully your mom
doesn’t have that.

HALEY
...Yeah.

Another awkward silence.

HALEY (CONT’D)
I have an idea. Let’s play 20
questions.

JAKE
I’m down.

Pause.

HALEY
You first.

JAKE
Ok... What is the pound for pound
strongest animal in the animal
kingdom?

HALEY
Noo ask me something better than
that.

JAKE
Ok, sorry...

He takes a sip of his margarita and thinks hard.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Here’s one I’ve been thinking about
a ton recently. How weird would it
be if our teeth were flaccid but
got hard when we were hungry?

She sits there in silence for a while, she starts to say
something, then cuts herself off. She gets up and leaves
without saying a word.

He sits alone, sipping on his strawberry margarita.

We see an IMPOSSIBLY LARGE HAND pull back the empty chair and
down sits AN IMPOSSIBLY LARGE MAN IN MID 19th CENTURY
CLOTHING. It’s ANGUS MACASKILL. The chair looks comically
small beneath him.


A warm, pained smile graces Jake’s face.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I’m screwed aren’t I?... It’s just
gonna be you and me.

Angus almost smiles.

JAKE (CONT’D)
...I’m not ready to go home yet.

Angus smiles.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit bar, Jake, dressed sharply but visibly anxious, attempts to impress Haley with his quirky passion for Angus Macaskill, a circus strongman. Their conversation takes a turn for the awkward when Haley mentions her mother's health, leading to a game of 20 questions that ends abruptly after Jake's bizarre inquiry about flaccid teeth. Haley leaves, leaving Jake alone and introspective, only to be joined by the imposing figure of Angus Macaskill, prompting Jake to reflect on his situation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Quirky character interactions
  • Unique passion for historical figure
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Some awkward pauses in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of romance, comedy, and drama through witty dialogue, awkward interactions, and a touch of nostalgia. The unique passion of the main character adds depth and interest to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring a niche passion within the context of modern dating is fresh and engaging. The scene effectively blends historical references with contemporary themes.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Jake's attempts at dating and his passion for Angus Macaskill, adding depth to his character. The interactions with Haley provide a mix of humor and awkwardness.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the discussion of Angus Macaskill and the playful banter between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Jake's quirky passion and Haley's polite interest creating a dynamic and engaging interaction. Their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Jake's interactions with Haley hint at potential growth and self-discovery in his romantic pursuits.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to connect with Haley and make a good impression. This reflects his desire for social interaction and possibly a deeper need for companionship.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to have a successful date with Haley. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a new relationship and making a positive impression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on the awkwardness and humor of the interactions between Jake and Haley. The tension comes from their contrasting personalities and interests.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with Haley's abrupt departure serving as a small obstacle for Jake to overcome.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal interactions and romantic pursuits. The tension comes from the characters' awkwardness and the potential for emotional connection.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing Jake's character, introducing new dynamics with Haley, and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events with Haley abruptly leaving after a quirky conversation with Jake.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between being genuine and putting on a facade to impress others. Jake struggles with revealing his true interests and personality while trying to maintain a charming persona.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including amusement, awkwardness, and nostalgia. The interactions between the characters create a sense of connection and empathy with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities. The banter between Jake and Haley adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, character dynamics, and the unfolding of the conversation between Jake and Haley.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by allowing the dialogue to flow naturally and build tension during key moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy interaction in a screenplay. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a typical format for a dialogue-driven interaction in a bar setting. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's awkwardness and nervousness during a date, which is relatable and adds depth to his character. However, the dialogue can feel a bit stilted and lacks natural flow, particularly in the exchanges between Jake and Haley. This could be improved by incorporating more subtext and allowing the characters to react more dynamically to each other's statements.
  • The montage of Angus Macaskill's feats is a creative way to visualize Jake's passion, but it interrupts the flow of the conversation. It might be more effective to weave in these details more organically through Jake's dialogue rather than breaking away from the scene. This would maintain the tension and awkwardness of the date.
  • Haley's reaction to Jake's passion for Angus Macaskill feels somewhat flat. While she nods and tries to appear interested, her lack of engagement could be enhanced by adding more specific questions or comments that reflect her curiosity or skepticism. This would create a more engaging back-and-forth and highlight Jake's social struggles.
  • The transition from the conversation about Haley's mother's health to the 20 questions game feels abrupt. The connection between the two topics could be strengthened to create a smoother narrative flow. For example, Jake could relate his bizarre question to the earlier conversation about health in a humorous way, which would also showcase his unique perspective.
  • The ending of the scene, where Angus Macaskill appears, is intriguing and visually striking. However, it might benefit from a clearer emotional transition for Jake. His realization that he is 'screwed' could be expanded to reflect more on his feelings about being alone and his fascination with Angus, creating a stronger emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more natural and spontaneous. Consider adding interruptions, overlapping dialogue, or moments of silence that reflect real-life conversations.
  • Integrate the montage of Angus Macaskill's feats into the dialogue more seamlessly, perhaps by having Jake describe one of the feats in detail while maintaining eye contact with Haley, allowing for a more immersive experience.
  • Enhance Haley's character by giving her more engaging responses to Jake's interests. This could involve her sharing a related story or asking follow-up questions that reveal her personality and create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Create a smoother transition between the topics of Haley's mother's health and the 20 questions game. Consider having Jake make a humorous connection between the two subjects to maintain the comedic tone.
  • Deepen Jake's emotional response to Angus's appearance by adding internal monologue or visual cues that reflect his feelings of isolation and longing for connection, making the moment more impactful.



Scene 8 -  Under the Stars: A Conversation of Uniqueness
EXT. GRIFFITH PARK HIKING TRAIL- NIGHT

There’s a tapestry of stars in the sky, casting a silvery
glow on the trail. No people in sight.

We hear nothing but the wind, until suddenly: Footsteps. Big
footsteps.

We see ANGUS’S GIANT FEET crunching the dirt beneath him.

We see Jake sitting on Angus Macaskill’s shoulders. Angus
holds Jake’s ankles as he strides steadily up the trail.

JAKE
...Why did I bring you up? I knew
not to do that.

Angus speaks in an IMPOSSIBLY DEEP YET MELODIC VOICE. He has
a Scottish accent.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Ye were bein’ authentic lad.
There’s nay shame in speakin’ yer
mind.

JAKE
I just wish it wasn’t so hard to
feel interest for normal things.

ANGUS MACASKILL
And what’s normal to ye then,
laddy?

JAKE
I don’t know... Cars. Whatever
normal dudes are into.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Couldn’t tell ye what “normal
dudes” go fer.
(MORE)
ANGUS MACASKILL (CONT’D)
All me pals are circus folk... I
can tell ye, ye don’t feel so off
yer head once yer wit’ folks that
ain’t normal neither.

JAKE
...Well right now the only folk I
have is my brother and his wife.
And unless we meet my girlfriend on
this hike Angus, they’re gonna be
juuust about done with the
jakester. I’m just gonna be another
nameless stranger, adrift somewhere
in the middle of human history.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Ye may still find a fair few lasses
out there a bit more akin t’ye
laddie. Ye haven’t even looked.

JAKE
More akin to me?

Angus doesn’t respond.

JAKE (CONT’D)
It’s easy to celebrate what makes
you different when you’re the
strongest man of all time. Being
different’s only worth it if you’re
extraordinary.

ANGUS MACASKILL
D’ya think I had any choice but to
be in the circus lad?

Jake doesn’t respond. For a couple moments they walk in
silence, broken only by the soft chatter of nocturnal life.

JAKE
Angus, did you die a virgin?

ANGUS MACASKILL
Aye, laddy. I did.

JAKE
I’m sorry.

ANGUS MACASKILL
There were lasses in my day that
would’ave, but... only outta
curiosity I s’pose... And ye then?
Are ye a virgin, Jake?


JAKE
No. I’ve had sex with 17 women. But
I’ve only had sex 19 times, so, I
think I’m doing something wrong.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Y’know not ta say that to anyone
but me, don’t ye lad?

JAKE
Yeah I know...
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary On a quiet night hike in Griffith Park, Angus Macaskill carries Jake on his shoulders as they discuss feelings of alienation and the struggle to fit into societal norms. Jake shares his fears of becoming a nameless stranger and his difficulties connecting with typical interests, while Angus reflects on his own experiences of being different and his past. Their conversation humorously shifts to Jake's sexual history, highlighting the contrast between his encounters and his feelings of inadequacy. The scene captures a blend of melancholy and camaraderie, ending with a moment of shared understanding under the starry sky.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Rich character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor with introspection, providing insight into Jake's character while introducing the enigmatic Angus Macaskill. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, creating a memorable and emotionally resonant moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring self-acceptance, uniqueness, and connection through a conversation with a larger-than-life figure like Angus Macaskill is innovative and thought-provoking. It adds depth to Jake's character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

While the scene focuses more on character development and thematic exploration than plot progression, it serves as a pivotal moment in Jake's journey towards self-discovery and acceptance.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and explores themes of authenticity and belonging in a fresh and engaging way. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jake and Angus are richly developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction reveals layers of complexity and adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jake and Angus undergo subtle but significant changes during the scene, with Jake gaining insight into self-acceptance and connection, while Angus imparts wisdom and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging and authenticity in his life. He grapples with feeling different and struggles to connect with 'normal' things and people.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to find his girlfriend on the hike and avoid feeling like a 'nameless stranger' in his brother's life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Jake's struggle with self-acceptance and connection rather than external obstacles.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Jake's internal struggles and his conflicting desires for authenticity and fitting in.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on Jake's internal struggles and desires rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and thematic exploration than plot progression, it moves the narrative forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Jake and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters' pasts and their deep conversations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity, belonging, and the value of being different. Angus challenges Jake's perception of what is 'normal' and encourages him to embrace his uniqueness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from introspection to humor to melancholy, creating a poignant and memorable moment for both characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and emotionally resonant, capturing the essence of each character and driving the scene's themes forward. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and desires of Jake and Angus.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the philosophical conflict, and the unique dynamic between Jake and Angus.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and dialogue to unfold naturally, without feeling rushed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, maintaining a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of introspection between Jake and Angus, allowing for character development and thematic exploration of alienation and identity. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when Jake lists what he perceives as 'normal' interests. This could be more subtly integrated into the conversation to maintain a natural flow.
  • Angus's character is intriguing, but his responses sometimes lack depth. While he provides wisdom, the dialogue could benefit from more personal anecdotes or reflections that connect his experiences to Jake's struggles, enhancing the emotional resonance of their exchange.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from light-hearted banter to deeper topics feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the audience's engagement and make the emotional weight of the conversation feel more organic.
  • The setting of Griffith Park at night is visually appealing and adds to the atmosphere, but it could be further utilized to reflect the characters' emotional states. For instance, incorporating more sensory details about the environment could enhance the mood and underscore the themes of isolation and connection.
  • Jake's self-deprecating humor about his sexual experiences is amusing, but it risks undermining the gravity of the conversation. Balancing humor with sincerity will help maintain the scene's emotional integrity and ensure that the audience connects with Jake's vulnerabilities.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to imply rather than state their feelings directly. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the hiking trail and the night sky to enhance the atmosphere and reflect the characters' emotional states. For example, describe the sounds of the night or the feeling of the cool breeze.
  • Introduce a moment of silence or a shared experience that allows the characters to reflect on their conversation before moving on to the next topic. This can help the audience absorb the emotional weight of their discussion.
  • Explore Angus's backstory further through his dialogue. Perhaps he can share a specific memory from his time in the circus that relates to feeling different, which would deepen the connection between him and Jake.
  • Consider revising Jake's humorous remark about his sexual experiences to maintain the scene's emotional tone. This could involve rephrasing it to be more reflective rather than self-deprecating, allowing for a more sincere moment of vulnerability.



Scene 9 -  Awkward Connections
INT. TRADER JOE’S- MORNING

Jake stands behind a register, tired and in a daze. He stirs
when he sees Maisley clocking in at the “Bridge” (the front
desk). She smiles big when she sees him.

Jake flags down a CUSTOMER with a full cart.

JAKE
I can take you right here sir.

Maisley bounds over with a big smile and starts bagging.

MAISLEY
Jake, guess what?

JAKE
(to the customer)
How’s your uh... what day is it
today?

CUSTOMER MAN
It’s Friday.

JAKE
How’s your Friday sir?

CUSTOMER MAN
Not too bad. How’s yours?

MAISLEY
Jake I have news.

JAKE
(to the customer)
Not too bad. How’s yours?
(to Maisley)
...What you’re pregnant?


MAISLEY
...No... I’m diagnosed! Adult
Autism! It’s officially official!

JAKE
(to Maisley, without
looking at her, monotone)
Congratulations, it’s a terrific
life.
(to the customer)
Any big plans for the weekend man?

CUSTOMER MAN
Uh, yeah. Going up to Big Bear.

Maisley goes completely silent and bags really fast.

JAKE
Right on.

The instant Maisley finishes bagging the last item she walks
away and logs in at another register.

Jake looks at the CUSTOMER, who pulls out his phone to escape
the tension.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(to the customer)
You’re all set sir, enjoy Big Bear.

Maisley flags down another customer, visibly irritated. Jake
joins her at the new register and starts bagging.

MAISLEY
(to the new customer)
Can I see your ID?

The customer presents her ID. Maisley starts ringing up the
items.

JAKE
(to Maisley)
Sorry, that was rude of me.

Maisley doesn’t respond.

JAKE (CONT’D)
We get rude sometimes, Maisley, as
I’m sure you’re aware.

Maisley shoots him a dirty look and stops ringing the items.

MAISLEY
Admit you were rude on purpose.


Jake puts on a silly accent.

JAKE
I admit it.

Maisley crosses her arms, refusing to ring up items. The
customer stands there confused.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Maisley...

CUSTOMER #2
Excuse me...

MAISLEY
Admit it.

JAKE
I was rude on purpose, you’re
right.

Maisley rings up the last few items.

MAISLEY
(to the customer)
53.12 ma’am.
(to Jake)
No sparks on your date last night?

JAKE
No sparks. Skid marks... but no
sparks.

MAISLEY
How much time do you have before
that party?

JAKE
I’m not worried about finding a
date for the party anymore.

MAISLEY
What does that mean?

JAKE
It means, Maisley, that I am
retired.

MAISLEY
...You’re retired?


JAKE
At this point, the most chivalrous
thing I can do for women, is just
leave them alone... And that’s ok.

MAISLEY
Chivalry implies bravery. A knight
who doesn’t slay the dragon because
he’s afraid of the maiden isn’t
very brave.

JAKE
I don’t care about maidens or
knights or dragons or... castles or
fuckin’ wizards... I just enjoy
hanging out with my brother
sometimes. Not even a lot. And I
genuinely don’t feel like that’s
too much for me to ask for from the
universe... or God, or whatever you
want to call it. Whatever it’s
called... it’s fucking mean.

MAISLEY
...What time is the party?

JAKE
I don’t know. I’m not going.

MAISLEY
I get off at 6:00 today.

Pause.

JAKE
...Maisley you’re a gay, teenage
girl are you not?

MAISLEY
I’m 20. And I smoke. People think
I’m like, 24...

Jake shakes his head.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
We won’t even hold hands... It’s
not weird unless you make it weird.

JAKE
Maisley... I’m just some man you
work with at Trader Joe’s. This is
reckless behavior.


MAISLEY
Jake... It took me 20 years to find
out why I’m so awesome. Please.
Lemme help out the team.

JAKE
There’s no team, Maisley. Each one
of us is a one person team.

MAISLEY
...Take it back.

He doesn’t.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
...You’re a one person team. That’s
a choice... Jake, do you not
realize how weird it is that we get
along this well? Like... tell me
with a straight face that we would
be friends if neither one of us was
autistic.

No response.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Exactly. Autism lowkey brings
people together. Hundred percent
it’s a team. It’s a soul tribe. And
if you think I would not gladly do
this for you, Jake, just to prove
myself right, you don’t know me at
all.

JAKE
...Jesus Maisley, who do they have
teaching psychology at Santa Monica
City College?

She offers him a hi-five. He begrudgingly accepts.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a Trader Joe's grocery store, Jake, feeling dazed and dismissive, is confronted by his enthusiastic coworker Maisley, who shares her recent diagnosis of adult autism. Their interaction is marked by tension as Jake's monotone response irritates Maisley, leading to a discussion about relationships and their shared experiences. Despite Jake's reluctance to engage, the conversation reveals deeper themes of self-acceptance and connection, culminating in a reluctant high-five that symbolizes a tentative bond between them.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with engaging dialogue that reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. The interaction between Jake and Maisley is both humorous and poignant, providing depth to their personalities and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the struggles of the characters in navigating relationships and self-acceptance. It delves into themes of identity and connection in a relatable and engaging manner.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene does not have a traditional plot progression, it focuses on character dynamics and emotional depth. The plot serves as a backdrop for the exploration of themes and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on workplace interactions and personal relationships, with authentic dialogue that captures the characters' struggles and growth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jake and Maisley are well-developed and complex, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of depth and vulnerability, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jake and Maisley undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and attitudes towards relationships and self-acceptance. The scene sets the stage for potential growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to find meaning and connection in his life, as seen through his interactions with Maisley and his decision to retire from dating.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to navigate the social interactions at work and decide whether to attend a party.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' struggles with self-acceptance and relationships. While there is tension in their interactions, it is more subtle and emotional than overtly dramatic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional barriers that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal and emotional challenges faced by the characters. The tension arises from internal conflicts rather than external threats or dramatic events.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot in a traditional sense, it deepens the understanding of the characters and sets the stage for future developments. It provides essential context for the relationships and themes of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and revelations, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Jake's resignation towards relationships and Maisley's belief in the power of connection and teamwork.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting both laughter and introspection from the audience. The candid conversations and vulnerability of the characters create a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, insightful, and emotionally resonant. It captures the essence of the characters and drives the narrative forward through engaging conversations and exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between characters, the humor, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a natural rhythm that enhances the character interactions and reveals their inner conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted, with clear character cues and dialogue tags that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events and dialogue, maintaining the expected format for a character-driven workplace drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamic between Jake and Maisley, showcasing their contrasting personalities and the underlying tension in their relationship. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, particularly when discussing autism and self-acceptance. While these themes are important, they could be woven into the conversation more subtly to maintain a natural flow.
  • Jake's monotone response to Maisley's announcement about her diagnosis feels overly dismissive and could be perceived as insensitive. This moment could be reworked to show Jake's struggle with expressing emotions rather than outright rudeness, which would make him a more relatable character.
  • The pacing of the scene slows down during the philosophical exchanges, which can detract from the comedic tone established earlier. While introspection is valuable, balancing it with lighter moments or quick banter could enhance the overall rhythm of the scene.
  • Maisley's character shines through her enthusiasm and assertiveness, but her dialogue sometimes borders on preachy, especially when discussing bravery and teamwork. This could be softened to avoid alienating the audience and to keep the focus on their personal connection rather than a lecture.
  • The ending, with the reluctant high-five, is a nice touch that encapsulates their relationship, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional payoff. Perhaps a brief moment of vulnerability from Jake could deepen the impact of this gesture.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Jake's initial response to Maisley's diagnosis to reflect a more nuanced reaction, such as confusion or a struggle to articulate his feelings, which would make him more relatable.
  • Incorporate more humor and light-hearted banter throughout the philosophical discussions to maintain the comedic tone and keep the audience engaged.
  • Explore the use of physical comedy or visual gags during the dialogue to enhance the humor and break up the heavier moments, such as Maisley’s exaggerated reactions to Jake’s comments.
  • Refine Maisley's dialogue to ensure it feels more conversational and less like a lecture. This could involve using more personal anecdotes or humor to illustrate her points.
  • Strengthen the emotional connection at the end of the scene by allowing Jake to express a moment of vulnerability or gratitude towards Maisley, making the high-five feel more significant.



Scene 10 -  Facing the Party
INT. JAKE'S CAR- NIGHT

Jake turns off the car. He is parked outside an EXPENSIVE
MODERN STYLE HOUSE. The glow of party lights and sounds of
chatter spill into the street. Next to him, in the passenger
seat, sits Maisley, putting mascara on in the mirror. He
looks over at her and takes in her rather robust application
of makeup.

JAKE
...I deserve the fires of hell.


MAISLEY
Relax, bro. I’m like your little
sister.

JAKE
That does not help me relax...

MAISLEY
...”Hi my name is Daisy, I’m 26. I
met Jake on Hinge.”

JAKE
Fuck. This is rock bottom... Ok...

He takes in a deep breath.

JAKE (CONT’D)
The only way out is through,
Jake... The only way out is
through.

He looks at Maisley.

JAKE (CONT’D)
...Let’s rock and roll, kiddo.

Maisley claps.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jake parks outside a lively party, feeling anxious and at his lowest. As he watches Maisley apply mascara, he expresses his discomfort about attending. Maisley lightens the mood with humor, introducing herself playfully, which helps ease Jake's anxiety. After a moment of self-motivation, Jake decides to face the party with Maisley's support, marking a shift from despair to determination.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective balance of humor and tension
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively balances humor with underlying tension, showcasing character growth and vulnerability.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing personal challenges and seeking support from unexpected sources is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through the interaction between Jake and Maisley, revealing their vulnerabilities and growth.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar theme of self-acceptance and personal growth, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Jake and Maisley are well-defined, with their unique personalities and struggles adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jake and Maisley experience subtle growth and understanding through their interaction in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to confront his feelings of guilt and shame, as indicated by his self-deprecating remarks and inner turmoil. This reflects his deeper need for self-acceptance and forgiveness.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to navigate a potentially awkward social situation with Maisley, his date, and face the reality of his current circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, focusing on Jake's insecurities and social challenges.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the characters' beliefs and values, creating conflict and tension that drive the emotional and narrative stakes.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high, the emotional stakes for the characters are significant in terms of personal growth and connection.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Jake and Maisley and highlighting Jake's personal challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected reactions and emotional revelations, keeping the audience on their toes and invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Jake's internal struggle with his own self-worth and the external pressure to maintain a facade of confidence and composure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from tension to humor to empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the awkwardness and humor of the situation, enhancing the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and emotional depth, drawing the audience into the characters' personal struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with a balance of introspective moments and lively dialogue that keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's anxiety and discomfort about attending the party, which is a relatable sentiment. However, the dialogue could benefit from more specificity to enhance character depth and emotional resonance. For instance, Jake's line about deserving 'the fires of hell' feels a bit vague and could be more personalized to reflect his unique struggles or experiences.
  • Maisley's character comes across as supportive, but her dialogue could be more dynamic. The line about being like Jake's little sister is a good attempt at humor, but it doesn't quite land. Consider giving her a more distinct voice or a quirk that sets her apart, making her interactions with Jake feel more authentic and engaging.
  • The transition from Jake's internal monologue to his interaction with Maisley is somewhat abrupt. It might help to include a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes Jake's internal struggle before he speaks. This would create a stronger emotional buildup and make his eventual acceptance of the situation feel more impactful.
  • The phrase 'Let’s rock and roll, kiddo' feels a bit clichéd and could be replaced with something more original that reflects Jake's personality. This would help to maintain the unique tone of the screenplay and keep the dialogue fresh.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but it could benefit from a bit more tension or conflict. Perhaps Maisley could challenge Jake's self-deprecating humor more directly, leading to a moment of vulnerability that deepens their relationship and adds complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Revise Jake's line about deserving 'the fires of hell' to something more specific that reflects his personal feelings about the party or his social anxiety, such as a humorous or exaggerated metaphor that ties back to his character.
  • Enhance Maisley's character by giving her a unique quirk or catchphrase that makes her dialogue more memorable and distinct, allowing her personality to shine through more clearly.
  • Add a brief moment of silence or a visual cue before Jake speaks to emphasize his internal struggle, creating a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Replace the clichéd phrase 'Let’s rock and roll, kiddo' with a more original line that reflects Jake's character, perhaps something that ties back to his interests or experiences.
  • Introduce a moment of conflict between Jake and Maisley where she pushes back against his self-deprecating humor, leading to a deeper conversation that reveals more about their relationship and adds emotional weight to the scene.



Scene 11 -  Awkward Connections
INT. SAM AND REBECCA’S HOUSE- CONTINUOUS

Jake opens the door, stepping cautiously into the house.
Maisley walks in after him. About 15-20 people mingle in
clusters, laughter and chatter filling the air. No one seems
to notice them until...

REBECCA
Jakey! You made it!

They hug.

JAKE
Rebecca, this is Daisy. We met on
Hinge.

REBECCA
So great to meet you!

Rebecca hugs Maisley. Maisley hugs back enthusiastically.

MAISLEY
Jake did not mention you were
this... angelic.


REBECCA
Oh... Haha... I would hope not.

Sam comes stumbling over. He’s drunk.

SAM
Jakey! You made it!

He hugs Jake.

SAM (CONT’D)
I learned a random fact for you.
Remind me to tell you later.

REBECCA
Sam this is Jake’s friend Daisy.

Sam shakes Maisley’s hand and points towards Jake.

SAM
This is a special guy right here.

MAISLEY
Oh I know.

SAM
This is a powerful man...

JAKE
The house is incredible by the way
guys.

SAM
Thanks Jakey! I lobbied for a more
eco-modernist style but Rebecca was
pretty dead set on contemporary
modernist...

JAKE
So you guys compromised and went
contemporary modernist. I love it.

Sam laughs. Rebecca does not.

REBECCA
Well go meet my friends! Mingle.
They’re super chill... Sam can I
talk to you for a second?

Rebecca leads Sam away.

Maisley starts glancing around the room.


JAKE
Ok, they’ve seen you. Let’s try to
leave somewhat soon.

MAISLEY
Woah...

Maisley spots an attractive, queer-feminine presenting person
across the room.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Gimme a sec...

JAKE
Maisley you have a girlfriend...

Before Jake finishes speaking she starts walking over there.

Jake glances around, watching groups huddled in conversation.
He starts tentatively shuffling around the party, kinda
leaning in to one conversation. SHELBY, 30, is mid sentence.

SHELBY
...I had to change literally
everything, including my
underwear...

JAKE
Uh-oh, what are we talking about
over here?

SHELBY
...Hi. I was just telling a story
about when I was in the Amazon.

JAKE
Oh sweet. How was that?

An original member of the conversation, SEAN, 30s, speaks up.

SEAN
That’s what she was in the middle
of telling us.

JAKE
Oh gotcha, sorry.

Jake continues his awkward shuffle through the party, passing
by a couple on the couch, he nods and smiles at them— no
response.

TIME PASSES. Maisley is flirting with her new friend, NINA,
23. The interest appears to be reciprocal.


MAISLEY
...No, Persephone was Hades’s wife.
Orpheus’s wife that he rescued from
the underworld was Eurydice.

NINA
...Are you real?

MAISLEY
(smiling big)
Nope.

Elsewhere, Jake is talking to a woman, late 20s.

JAKE
... I genuinely feel like he’s the
best example of an outlier that
there’s ever been. Cause who do you
even compare him to? Andre the
Giant was 7 feet tall with a 60
inch chest, Angus was 7’9 with an
80 inch chest.

PARTY WOMAN
I have to go find my friend.

JAKE
Cool.

More time has PASSED. Maisley is still engrossed in
conversation with her new companion. Jake sits alone on the
couch playing DOODLE JUMP on his phone, sulking a little bit.
Sam walks over and sits down next to him.

SAM
Hey buddy, how ya doin?

JAKE
Livin’ the dream.

Jake keeps his eyes locked on doodle jump.

SAM
Your date seems like she’s having
fun...

JAKE
She does, doesn’t she?

Jake dies in doodle jump.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Damnit...


He looks up at Sam.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Sorry for bumming out women at your
party.

SAM
Don’t say that Jakey. You have a
powerful energy that people wanna
be around.

JAKE
But I don’t though. The only one
that invites me to stuff is you,
because I’m your closest relative
and your brain is wired by
evolution to wanna help me... In a
hunter-gatherer tribe, I would be
cast out. Unquestionably.

SAM
Jakey I told you I learned a random
fact for you right? You ever heard
of Margaret Mead?

JAKE
No.

SAM
She was a scientist... Or, like, a
historian maybe. I don’t know. But
someone asked her when she thought
human civilization began and she
said 15,000 years ago... Or...
5,000 years ago maybe, one of
those. Because that’s the earliest
we see remains of broken femur
bones that had healed.

JAKE
...Why is that the beginning of
civilization?

SAM
Because when an animal in the wild
breaks their femur, they never
survive long enough for the bone to
heal. Cause the other animals don’t
help em’. But 15,000 or 5,000 or
how ever many years ago, humans
apparently started taking care of
people that couldn’t take care of
themselves. And that’s what makes
us human.
(MORE)
SAM (CONT’D)
Keeping some people alive just
cause we like havin’ em’ around.

JAKE
So I’m the one with the broken
femur in this analogy?

SAM
You get what I’m trying to say
dude. I memorized that fact for
you.

Maisley interjects.

MAISLEY
Hey Jake, can I talk to you for a
sec.

JAKE
Yeah.

Jake gets up. Maisley speaks to him quietly.

MAISLEY
Soooo... I’m going home with Nina.

JAKE
What?! Bad! Maisley... What am I
supposed to do here? Am I supposed
to stop you?

MAISLEY
I’m an adult, bro. Not a big deal.

While she’s talking, Jake sees ANGUS standing just outside
the sliding glass door. He’s so tall that we can only see him
from the chest down.

Maisley turns around to see what Jake’s looking at.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
What are we looking at?

JAKE
Nothin’ sorry. Just... zoning out.

While Jake is talking, Angus POINTS to the left.

Jake looks and there’s a beautiful woman standing by herself
in front of the snack table, DOUBLE DIPPING into the hummus.
This is ELLIE, early 30s.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Who’s that?


Maisley looks.

MAISLEY
She’s perfect. Go talk to her!

JAKE
No thanks.

MAISLEY
Dude... be a man.

Jake looks at Maisley for a while. Then back at the woman.

JAKE
Fuck it.

He walks over there, grabs a carrot, dips it in the hummus,
and takes a bite.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Big hummus fan?

ELLIE
Big hummus fan.

JAKE
I don’t blame you. It’s healthy and
it’s delicious, which, I feel like
is a surprisingly rare combo.

ELLIE
It is surprisingly rare. You would
think evolution would program the
body to crave what’s actually
healthy for it.

JAKE
Right!? Like I wish I loved
vegetables as much as my Guinea
pigs do. You try to offer them a
cinnamon roll, or filet mignon,
they’re gonna look at you like,
“what the fuck is this?” You offer
them carrots? They lose their
minds.

She laughs.

ELLIE
I’m Ellie by the way.

JAKE
I’m Jake. Nice to meet you. How do
you know Sam?


ELLIE
I don’t. I’m here with my friend.

JAKE
That’s brave. If I know less than 3
people at a party... guaranteed
panic attack.

ELLIE
Why do you think I’m hanging out by
the snacks?

JAKE
Classic move. If you haven’t tried
hiding in the bathroom yet, that’s
also a great option.

ELLIE
I think this party might be too
intimate for hiding in the
bathroom. Everyone would assume I
was dropping a fat deuce in there.

JAKE
Right, which could play as a power
move.

ELLIE
...You ever heard of an “upper
decker?”

JAKE
Is that when you take the lid off
the toilet and poop into the tank?

She nods.

ELLIE
Dare you to do one.

Jake laughs.

JAKE
...Wow.

ELLIE
What?

JAKE
Nothing. I’m just... Intrigued by
you.

ELLIE
What about me intrigues you?


JAKE
I’m not sure. I’m still trying to
figure it out.

ELLIE
Ask me anything.

JAKE
What’s the pound for pound
strongest animal in the animal
kingdom?

ELLIE
The Mantis Shrimp?

JAKE
Correct!

ELLIE
What’s the only animal that can
survive in outer space?

JAKE
Tardigrades?

ELLIE
Yes! Also known as water bears...
but yes! What’s the animal that can
survive the highest levels of
radiation, the most extreme
temperatures and the most pounds of
pressure?

JAKE
I don’t know.

ELLIE
Also Water Bears!

JAKE
...Wow. Tough little guys.

ELLIE
They’re the toughest animals on the
planet. In climates where there’s
no food or water, they can shut
their bodies down, and then
reanimate themselves up to 30 years
later, if water becomes available
again. Personally, I think they’re
from a different planet.

JAKE
They’re your favorite huh?


ELLIE
Ohhhhh yeah. They’re my special
interest right now... No matter
what happens to them, they just
keep on truckin’.

Pause.

JAKE
Your special interest?

ELLIE
Mhm.

Jake looks over at Angus who gives him a thumbs up.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
What are you looking at?

Ellie turns around and sees Angus standing there. She
SCREAMS. Everyone goes quiet and looks at her. Then everyone
looks at the screen door... There’s nothing there. Everyone
looks back at Ellie.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Oh my God I’m so sorry I thought...
I’m sorry...

Ellie walks out of the party. Everyone stares at Jake,
including Maisley, Sam, and Rebecca. He freezes.

Angus is just outside the window again. He kneels down to
look in. A warm, pained smile graces his face.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Romance"]

Summary At a lively party hosted by Sam and Rebecca, Jake feels out of place as his companion Maisley flirts with another guest, Nina. While Jake struggles to connect with others, Sam, despite his drunkenness, tries to uplift him with a story about community. Maisley surprises Jake by announcing her departure with Nina, leaving him feeling isolated. He attempts to engage with Ellie at the snack table, but their playful conversation is abruptly interrupted when Ellie screams at the sight of Angus outside, causing her to leave in embarrassment and leaving Jake frozen as the party guests stare at him.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Humorous moments
  • Exploration of unique interests
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Some awkward pacing in interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, awkwardness, and introspection to create an engaging and relatable atmosphere. The dialogue is witty and the character interactions are intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring social awkwardness, unique interests, and unexpected connections at a party is well-executed. The scene delves into the complexities of human interactions in a humorous and relatable way.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around character interactions at a party, focusing on social dynamics, humor, and introspection. It moves the story forward by developing relationships and revealing character traits.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and engaging take on social interactions and relationships, with unique character dynamics and humorous moments. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each with their own quirks and personalities. Their interactions drive the scene forward and provide insight into their individual traits.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle character developments, particularly in Jake's interactions with Ellie, the changes are not drastic but contribute to the overall growth of the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and valued by others, as evidenced by his interactions with various party guests and his self-deprecating comments. He seeks validation and connection.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to navigate social interactions at the party and potentially make a romantic connection, as seen in his interactions with Maisley and Ellie.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on character interactions and social dynamics rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with characters facing internal conflicts and social challenges. Jake's interactions with others create tension and uncertainty, adding depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on social dynamics and character interactions rather than high-stakes situations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing relationships, revealing character traits, and setting up potential future interactions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character interactions and humorous moments. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience guessing and engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of human connection and acceptance. Jake grapples with feelings of inadequacy and seeks validation from others, while also exploring the idea of genuine connection and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement to introspection, creating a nuanced emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the awkwardness and humor of the social interactions at the party.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and dynamic interactions. The humor and emotional depth keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events, with clear character motivations and interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's awkwardness and social anxiety, which is a recurring theme throughout the screenplay. However, the pacing feels uneven, particularly in the transition from Jake's interactions with Maisley to his attempts to mingle at the party. This could be smoothed out to maintain a more consistent rhythm.
  • The dialogue is generally engaging, but some exchanges, particularly between Jake and Sam, could benefit from more subtext. While Sam's fact about Margaret Mead is interesting, it feels somewhat disconnected from the immediate emotional stakes of Jake's situation. Consider integrating the fact more seamlessly into the conversation to enhance its relevance.
  • Maisley's sudden decision to leave with Nina feels abrupt and could use more buildup. While it serves to heighten Jake's feelings of isolation, providing a clearer emotional context for her choice would make it more impactful. Perhaps a brief moment of hesitation or a more explicit expression of her attraction to Nina could enhance this.
  • The introduction of Ellie is a strong moment, but her initial interaction with Jake could be more dynamic. The conversation about animals is fun, but it might benefit from a more immediate connection to Jake's character or his interests. This would help establish a stronger bond between them right from the start.
  • The climax of the scene, where Ellie screams at Angus, is a pivotal moment, but it feels slightly disjointed. The buildup to this moment could be enhanced by foreshadowing Angus's presence earlier in the scene, perhaps through Jake's internal thoughts or a brief visual cue that hints at Angus's looming presence.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue between Jake and Sam to create a more natural flow. You could have Sam's fact lead directly into a discussion about Jake's feelings of inadequacy, making it more relevant to the scene's emotional core.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or conflict for Maisley before she decides to leave with Nina. This could involve a brief exchange where she weighs her options, making her decision feel more significant and relatable.
  • Enhance the initial interaction between Jake and Ellie by incorporating a shared interest or a quirky observation that immediately connects them. This could set a more playful tone and establish chemistry right away.
  • Foreshadow Angus's presence earlier in the scene by having Jake glance toward the sliding glass door or express a fleeting thought about Angus before the reveal. This would create a more cohesive narrative thread leading to the climax.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Jake after Ellie leaves, allowing him to process the situation and his feelings of embarrassment. This could deepen the emotional impact of the scene and provide a clearer transition to the next moment.