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Scene 1 -  The Discovery and Disappearance
FADE IN


EXT. EARTH - LA MER DE LA MUERTA - NIGHT
A little red Hovervette, a flying replica of a 1969
convertible Corvette, glides across the surface of the
turbulent water, dodging monstrous waves as it creates a wake
in its trail. Loud electro-house beats resonate from it,
echoing in the darkness.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
ODISKO JONES(24), a stylish woman with a tight, manicured
afro, striking standout features, and a story behind her
eyes, pilots the Hovervette with mastery and grace.
Beside her, in the passenger seat, sits the car's operating
system, HOLLI(20s), the holographic light interface. She's a
stunning quantum-computing AI with a body made of Hard-Lite
technology that produces solid holograms indistinguishable
from reality.
HOLLI
Odisko: my sensors are picking up a
structure of some kind directly in
front of us.
Odisko turns on the car's floodlights and illuminates the
partially protruding head and arm of Lady Liberty, still
holding her torch, its flame long since extinguished.
ODISKO
It's hard to believe there's a
whole world under all this.
(beat)
Billions washed out to sea.
HOLLI
They don't call it La Mer De La
Muerta for nothing.
2.

ODISKO
Time to see if it works. Initiate
the ghost drive.
Holli presses a button on her console. The car begins to hum
and vibrate.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
Take us through.
Holli looks concerned.
HOLLI
If this fails, we will solidify
inside the statue.
ODISKO
Appa built it.

EXT. EARTH - LA MER DE LA MUERTA - NIGHT
The Hovervette creeps toward the statue's torch and passes
through its copper flame, momentarily illuminating it.

INT. HALO PLAZA - PARKADE - DAY
TAFFY(30), a frazzled-looking woman with messy hair and pants
sporting a fresh stain, walks through the multi-level parkade
filled with thousands of flying pods. She drags her son,
DEVAUN(9), a hyper, freckled boy, overwhelmed by the opulence
surrounding him.
Taffy walks quickly with a worried look in her eyes. Every
few seconds, she spins around, acting as if there is someone
behind her, but each time she looks behind her, no one's
there.
Devaun chews gum and unsuccessfully tries to blow a bubble,
unaware of his mother's panicked state.
Suddenly, something brushes the hair off her shoulder, which
sends her over the edge. Her grip on Devaun's hand tightens
as she starts running for her vehicle.
Devaun can barely keep up.
Taffy finds her pod and quickly loads her packages in the
back.
Devaun bounces around with his first bubble between his lips.
He tries to get his mother's attention but can't speak
because of the bubble.
3.

Taffy calls out to Devaun from behind the pod.
TAFFY
Let's get in the car, sweetness.
(beat)
I really want to get going.
There's no answer. Taffy finishes loading the pod and pops
her head out to investigate Devaun's sudden silence. Terror
fills Taffy when she realizes he's gone.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
A light illuminates and sounds an alert on the communications
console. Holli opens the console, and Devaun's image pops up
with the word REWARD written below it.
Odisko glances over to the image.
ODISKO
Is it go time?
HOLLI
Devaun Beanish, age nine, was
reported missing by his mother.
ODISKO
And the bounty?
HOLLI
Does it matter?
ODISKO
You know it doesn't, but I won't
turn down a reward.
(beat)
Do you have any idea what it cost
to make you? Quantum-computing
holographic AIs don't come cheap.

EXT. EARTH - LA MER DE LA MUERTA - NIGHT
The Hovervette playfully dances around the once iconic figure
as it ascends back into the clouds. Then, in the distance, a
glow-no, a dome shining like a beacon in the night.
The debris from the raging storm deflects off the
electromagnetic dome.
The Hovervette, still in ghost mode, passes through the dome
with ease.
4.

EXT. HALO CITY - SKY - DAY
Entering Halo City is a stark juxtaposition from La Mer De La
Muerta. The inside of the protective energy dome acts as a
massive holographic projector that creates perpetually
perfect skies.
The orange and purple hues of the setting sun play host to a
backdrop of a sea of mile-high towers and a jungle of 3D
holographic billboards, all intertwined with a maze of
interconnected skyways teaming with millions of flying pods.
The Hovervette flies past a giant floating billboard with the
face of Halo Corps CEO ARCO RYLIE IV, known to be a
prodigious genius in his thirties, that reads: WELCOME TO
HALO CITY.

EXT. HALO TOWER - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
REGAN RYLIE(19), codenamed MIRAGE, a frustrated-looking young
man wearing a militaristic, pressed uniform, stands in front
of the ostentatious Halo Tower next to a two-hundred-foot-
tall holographic statue of Arco Rylie IV. The glow from the
setting sun casts a halo-like aura around the statue.
Mirage paces back and forth with a sour look on his face,
constantly checking the time.
A few hundred feet away, the air begins to ripple like water,
and then, from nowhere, an instant relocating molecular
atomizer (IRMA) appears.
A door opens in the side of the egg-shaped pod and folds down
to become a ramp. Out steps FADE(30), a seasoned Halo Corps
operative wearing the stench of the night before. He sees
Mirage waiting and pastes a huge fake smile on his face.
Fade approaches Mirage and extends his hand.
FADE
Regan, right? I'm Fade.
Mirage declines the offer of friendship and stares Fade down
instead.
MIRAGE/REGAN
I've been waiting here for nearly
an hour; let's not make a habit of
this.
Fade retracts his hand and stares back at Mirage with a
raised brow.
5.

FADE
Wo, say what? Hey kid! I know
you're Rylie's kid, but that
doesn't mean you can be a little
shit on your first day.

Fade heads for the entrance to the tower.
Mirage stands in his way.
Fade closes the gap; they're face to face.
FADE (CONT'D)
Kid, what's your fucking deal?
(beat)
Move before I move you.
Mirage wears his arrogance with pride. He takes a step back.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Glad we're getting this out of the
way. First, my name is not Kid,
it's Regan, but you will address me
as Mirage.
Fade rolls his eyes.
FADE
Cute codename.
Mirage continues.
MIRAGE/REGAN
And second, I don't take orders
from you. Not because of who my
father is, but because of this-
Mirage squints his eyes as they begin to glow with a crimson
aura.
SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN SKY - DAY
Fade and Mirage appear miles into the sky. They free-fall
through the air.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Still, think my codename is cute?
FADE
Okay, Okay, I'm sorry; please make
it stop.
6.

Fade continues to fall; with the ground fast approaching, he
covers his face with his hands.
MIRAGE/REGAN
What's my name bitch?
FADE
Mirage! It's Mirage!
MIRAGE/REGAN
Remember it.
SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. HALO TOWER - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
The red glow in Mirage's eyes dissipates and ends the
illusion.
Fade lays on his stomach, afraid to move. He stands and wipes
away his tears.
Fade looks at Mirage with slumped shoulders and submissive
eyes.
FADE
Please don't ever do that again.
Mirage smirks and steps aside.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Just remember, I can leave you
there if I want.
(beat)
Now, lead the way.
Fade leads Mirage into the tower.

INT. HALO CHILDREN'S CENTER - ATOMIZER BOOTH - DAY
In a small booth about the size of an elevator, a beam of
light fills the space. Moments later, Fade and Mirage
materialize inside it.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action"]

Summary In this scene, Odisko Jones and Holli pilot a red Hovervette across turbulent water and discover the partially protruding head and arm of the Statue of Liberty. They initiate the ghost drive and pass through the statue's torch. Meanwhile, Taffy and her son Devaun are in a parkade in Halo City. Taffy becomes panicked and runs to her vehicle when something brushes her shoulder. Devaun goes missing, and Taffy receives a reward notification on the Hovervette's communications console. The scene ends with the Hovervette passing through an electromagnetic dome and entering Halo City.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of the ghost drive and holographic AI
  • Effective introduction of main characters
  • Establishment of the central conflict
  • Contrast between La Mer De La Muerta and Halo City
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic
  • Emotional engagement could be deeper

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces the main characters, establishes the setting, and sets up the central conflict. The use of technology and the contrast between the two locations add intrigue and excitement to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a ghost drive and a holographic AI is innovative and adds a unique element to the scene. It creates a sense of wonder and sets the stage for the futuristic world of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and sets up the main conflict of the story - the search for Devaun. The scene effectively establishes the stakes and creates a sense of urgency.

Originality: 9

This scene introduces unique elements such as the ghost drive technology, the underwater world, and the advanced holographic AI. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing and have distinct personalities. Odisko Jones is portrayed as a skilled and stylish pilot, while Holli is a stunning AI with a unique body. Taffy and Devaun are introduced as a worried mother and a curious child.

Character Changes: 7

There is a hint of character change with Mirage asserting his authority and Fade showing a more submissive side. However, it is not fully developed in this scene.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Odisko Jones wants to explore the underwater world and test the ghost drive technology. This reflects her desire for adventure and discovery.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find and rescue Devaun Beanish, who has gone missing. This reflects the immediate challenge Odisko is facing and her role as a bounty hunter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a sense of conflict and urgency in the scene, particularly with the search for Devaun and the introduction of the bounty. The conflict between Mirage and Fade also adds tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Odisko faces the challenge of exploring the underwater world and Mirage confronts Fade's dismissive attitude. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the search for Devaun and the introduction of the bounty. The scene creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main characters, establishing the central conflict, and setting up the journey to Halo City. It creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene has some unpredictability, especially when Odisko uses the ghost drive technology and when Mirage demonstrates his powers. However, the overall outcome of the scene is somewhat predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits some fear and excitement, particularly with Taffy's panic and the disappearance of Devaun. However, there is room for deeper emotional engagement.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is functional and serves to convey information and establish the relationships between the characters. There are some moments of tension and humor, but overall it could be more dynamic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing elements, such as the underwater world and the missing child, and creates a sense of anticipation and mystery. The dialogue and actions of the characters also contribute to the engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of excitement and progression. The action sequences are balanced with dialogue and description, keeping the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses the story through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual description of the Hovervette gliding across the turbulent water, creating a sense of tension and excitement. However, the description could be more concise and focused on the key details.
  • The introduction of the characters Odisko Jones and Holli is effective, providing a clear description of their appearances and roles. However, more could be done to establish their personalities and motivations.
  • The dialogue between Odisko and Holli is functional but lacks depth. It could be more engaging and reveal more about their relationship and the world they inhabit.
  • The transition from the underwater world to Halo City is abrupt and could be smoother. It would benefit from a clearer connection between the two settings.
  • The introduction of Taffy and Devaun in Halo City is well done, with vivid descriptions that create a sense of urgency and tension. However, the dialogue between them could be more natural and reveal more about their relationship.
  • The disappearance of Devaun is a significant event, but it feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. It could be given more space to build suspense and create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • The introduction of the holographic AI Fade and his interaction with Mirage is intriguing, but the dialogue and action could be more dynamic and reveal more about their characters.
  • The scene ends with the Hovervette passing through the electromagnetic dome and entering Halo City, which is a visually striking moment. However, the transition could be smoother and better connected to the previous events.
Suggestions
  • Condense the visual description of the Hovervette gliding across the water to focus on the most important details that create tension and excitement.
  • Develop the personalities and motivations of Odisko Jones and Holli through their dialogue and actions, revealing more about their relationship and the world they inhabit.
  • Improve the dialogue between Odisko and Holli to make it more engaging and revealing, adding depth to their characters and the story.
  • Create a smoother transition between the underwater world and Halo City, establishing a clearer connection between the two settings.
  • Refine the dialogue between Taffy and Devaun to make it more natural and revealing, deepening their relationship and adding emotional depth.
  • Give the disappearance of Devaun more space to build suspense and emotional impact, allowing the audience to connect with the characters and the stakes of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue and action between Fade and Mirage to make it more dynamic and revealing, providing insights into their characters and their relationship.
  • Improve the transition from the Hovervette passing through the electromagnetic dome to entering Halo City, creating a smoother and more connected sequence of events.



Scene 2 -  Trance-like Tensions
INT. HALO CHILDREN'S CENTER - RECEPTION - DAY
Fade and Mirage step out of the atomizer booth into the foyer
of the children's center. It's an all-white reception area,
very sterile and quiet, with a long corridor with several
private waiting rooms branching off of it.
7.

NURSE NELL AUGUSTINE(60), a stalky grey-haired woman with
soulless eyes, wearing a starched and pressed nurse's
uniform, stands from behind her desk to greet them.
NURSE NELL
I wasn't sure if you were still
coming.
(beat)
You must be the new kid.
Nurse Nell extends her hand.
NURSE NELL (CONT'D)
I'm Nurse Augustine, but Nell is
fine.
Mirage looks down at her hand but doesn't reciprocate.
Nurse Nell lowers her hand and turns to Fade with a familiar
smile.
NURSE NELL (CONT'D)
What happened to your partner? What
was her name?
Mirage answers for Fade.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Pheremone, and she's dead.
Nurse Nell gasps.
NURSE NELL
Oh no! What hap-
Mirage cuts her off.
MIRAGE/REGAN
So we're kind of in a hurry?
Nurse Nell dismissively sits back down.
NURSE NELL
Well then, I shall leave you to it.
Waiting room one.

INT. HALO CHILDREN'S CENTER - CORRIDOR - DAY
Fade and Mirage leave Nurse Nell sitting at her desk, walk
down the bright reflective hall, and enter the exam room.
8.

INT. HALO CHILDREN'S CENTER - EXAM ROOM - DAY
Mirage and Fade walk into the exam room to meet waiting
fathers, OSCAR(45), a well-put-together man with perfect hair
and a polished-looking outfit, and his husband DERWIN(35),
the polar opposite, with longer hair and mismatched clothes.
Their twin daughters, ASHA and BAILEY(8), one with pigtails,
the other with ringlet curls, sit on the floor across from
one another and have a staring contest.
Oscar jumps up from the sofa as soon as they enter the room.
OSCAR
We've been sitting here for over an
hour!
Derwin takes Oscar's hand and pulls him down to his seat.
DERWIN
Sweetheart, sit down!
Oscar pulls his hand free and jumps back to his feet.
OSCAR
I'm sorry if I seem aggressive.
Well, just look.
Oscar points to the girls.
DERWIN
Okay, girls, show the nice men your
magic hands.
The girls start playing patty cake and singing a rhyme. Each
time their hands clap, they make bright, colorful bursts of
light that shimmer like glitter as they disperse in the air.
Mirage looks at Fade with a raised eyebrow, then turns to the
dads.
MIRAGE/REGAN
That's amazing.
(beat)
Let me guess: you use the pigtails
to tell them apart?
DERWIN
They're almost nine, and I still
mix them up. It doesn't help that
they like to trick us, either.
Oscar looks annoyed at the casualness of the conversation.
9.

OSCAR
I'm glad you all think it's cute;
our children make sparkles! Hell,
I love glitter as much as the next
man, but this isn't magical
glitter. It's a biological
manifestation coming from our
children! How do you know it's not
radioactive or toxic or-
Derwin pulls Oscar to his seat again.
Fade walks over to both dads, grabs a hand from each of them,
and stops the rant mid-sentence.
Fade closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they emanate a
green glow.
Oscar and Derwin's heads jolt back as they gasp in unison.
Seconds later, Fade releases their hands, and his eyes return
to normal.
Oscar and Derwin sit motionless, expressionless, with a
glazed-over stare in their eyes.
Mirage has a confused look on his face.
MIRAGE/REGAN
That's it? What did you do?
Asha and Bailey see their fathers looking like zombies and
rush over to them.
Asha shakes Derwin.
ASHA
Daddy Derwin?
Bailey tries to get Oscar's attention.
BAILEY
Papa Oscar?
Bailey looks to Fade.
BAILEY (CONT'D)
What's wrong with them?
The girls burst into tears and clasp hands.
Asha stares Fade down.
10.

ASHA
What did you do to our dads?
They begin to radiate searing light from their entire bodies
and lift a foot off the ground.
Fade and Mirage recoil, blinded.
Mirage stumbles to keep his balance.
Fade paws in the air, looking for the girls.
FADE
I can't get to them, do your thing.
MIRAGE/REGAN
I need to see them.
Fade covers his eyes, takes out his sonic blaster, a small
pistol-shaped device, and fires into the air. He hits a wall
and blows a three-foot hole clean through it.
The force of the explosion startles the girls, which causes
them to lose focus, collapsing their mini sunburst.
As soon as the light dissipates, Mirage opens his eyes. He
rubs them to clear his vision, then flexes his power. The
glow in his eyes is more intense than usual.
Instantly, the twins' demeanors change, and they run over and
hug Fade.
Fade looks to Mirage with a question on his tongue.
MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
They think we're their parents.
Mirage takes them by the hand and walks toward the door.
Fade opens the door of the waiting room and holds it for
Mirage.
Mirage takes a remorseful look back at Derwin and Oscar,
vacant in the eyes, still sitting on the couch.
MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
What about them?
FADE
They'll come around, eventually;
they just won't remember ever
having children.
(beat)
(MORE)
11.
FADE (CONT'D)
To them, it will be like this never
happened.
They exit the room.

EXT. HALO TOWER - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Mirage and Fade exit Halo Tower and are greeted by the warm
radiance of a full moon. They lead the twins toward the IRMA.
Mirage's wrist cuff vibrates, and he answers the call. A
miniature hologram of Arco Rylie VI appears above Mirage's
hand.
ARCO RYLIE VI
Regan, my boy. I mean, Mirage!
How's your first day?
MIRAGE/REGAN
Fine, Sir, we have the assets, and
we're on our way back to The
Orbitat to deliver them to Mother.
Arco's expression turns serious.
ARCO RYLIE VI
After you do that, I need the two
of you to head back to the planet.
Arco shakes his head.
ARCO RYLIE VI (CONT'D)
To Dead Vegas, to be more specific.
(beat)
Arny Hundy, one of our ex-
operatives who we found indulges
in--dark proclivities, has taken an
asset that I would like you to
retrieve.
Fade chimes into the conversation.
FADE
And what about Arny?
ARCO RYLIE VI
I leave that to your discretion.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Understood, Sir, Mirage out.
Mirage ends the call.
12.

They reach the IRMA and load the kids into it, then join them
inside. A few seconds later, it emits a hum as it lifts off
the ground, then disappears in a blink.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - CENTER OF MAZE - NIGHT
A large clearing in the middle of an old junkyard, surrounded
by a maze of twenty-foot-high walls comprised of old pods,
garbage, and building debris.
Arny sits by a raging fire and stokes the coals with a stick
while he stares at Devaun with a nefarious look in his eyes.
Devaun cowers and shivers.
Arny approaches Devaun.
Devaun squirms and tries to recoil.
Arny lies Devaun on the ground and unties his feet.
Arny looms over top of Devaun, salivating with a lustful
appetite.
When Devaun puts his hands in front of him to thwart Arny's
advances, a bolt of energy shoots out of his palms and knocks
Arny down.
Devaun gets to his feet and starts to run.
Arny stands and catches Devaun.
Arny carries Devaun over to the fire and throws him to the
ground.
Devaun curls in on himself. He raises his hands again, but
nothing happens.
ARNY
Fine, if you don't want to play, I
guess we can make dinner.
Arny reaches into his pocket, produces a mini-laser, and
activates it.
Devaun screams.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Fade and Mirage arrive at the Halo Children's Center, where they meet Nurse Nell Augustine. Mirage reveals the death of their partner, Pheremone, and Nurse Nell dismissively directs them to a waiting room. In the exam room, they encounter Oscar and Derwin, fathers of twin daughters Asha and Bailey, who demonstrate their ability to create bursts of colorful light. Oscar expresses concern about their safety, but Fade and Mirage use their powers to calm the girls down. The scene ends with Mirage and Fade leaving the room, leaving Oscar and Derwin in a trance-like state.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some lines could be improved for greater impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces the concept of children with magical abilities and sets up a conflict between the main characters and Arny. The dialogue is engaging and the scene has a high level of emotional impact. The stakes are high as the children's safety is at risk. The scene moves the story forward and leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of children with magical abilities is unique and intriguing. It adds a layer of mystery and suspense to the story. The scene effectively introduces this concept and establishes the potential dangers associated with it.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the main characters encountering the twin girls with magical abilities and the conflict with Arny. It is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged. The scene sets up future events and raises questions that need to be answered.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a children's center and the concept of characters with special abilities are familiar, the specific details and interactions between the characters add a fresh approach to these elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their personalities and motivations are clear. The conflict between Oscar and Derwin adds depth to their relationship. The twins' abilities and their connection to Fade and Mirage create intrigue. Arny is established as a menacing antagonist.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Arny undergoes a change as he becomes more menacing and dangerous. The twins' perception of Fade and Mirage as their parents also represents a significant change in their understanding of their own identity.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to complete their mission and deliver the assets to Mother. This reflects their deeper need for validation and acceptance from their superiors, as well as their fear of failure.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the asset that Arny Hundy has taken. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to complete their mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between the main characters and Nurse Nell, conflict between Oscar and Derwin, and the looming threat of Arny. The conflict drives the plot forward and creates tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles in completing their mission. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high as the safety of the children is at risk. The potential dangers associated with their abilities and the conflict with Arny create a sense of urgency and tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, establishing conflicts, and setting up future events. It raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the children with special abilities and the protagonist's use of powers. The audience is left wondering how these elements will develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including fear, confusion, and curiosity. The intense moments between the characters and the potential danger to the children create a high level of emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters. Some lines could be improved to enhance the impact of certain moments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces new characters and sets up a mission for the protagonist. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action, creating moments of tension and suspense, and moving the story forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a clear description of the setting, but it lacks sensory details that could enhance the atmosphere of the Halo Children's Center.
  • The introduction of Nurse Nell Augustine is effective in establishing her character, but her description could be more concise.
  • The dialogue between Nurse Nell and Mirage feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural pacing.
  • The transition from the reception area to the corridor is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The description of the exam room and the characters within it is well done, providing clear visuals and introducing the conflict between Oscar and Derwin.
  • The dialogue between Oscar and Derwin effectively conveys their concerns, but it could be more nuanced and explore their emotions in greater depth.
  • The use of Mirage and Fade's powers to calm the girls down is an interesting twist, but the execution feels rushed and could be developed further.
  • The scene ends abruptly without resolving the conflict between Oscar, Derwin, and the twins.
  • The transition from the exam room to the front entrance of Halo Tower is sudden and could be smoother.
  • The introduction of Arco Rylie VI and the mission to retrieve an asset feels disconnected from the previous events and could be better integrated into the scene.
  • The final scene in Scrapland introduces a new character and conflict without proper setup or context, leaving the reader confused.
Suggestions
  • Add sensory details to the description of the Halo Children's Center to create a more immersive setting.
  • Condense the description of Nurse Nell Augustine to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Revise the dialogue between Nurse Nell and Mirage to give it a more natural flow and pacing.
  • Smoothly transition from the reception area to the corridor by providing a clear transition sentence or paragraph.
  • Explore the emotions and concerns of Oscar and Derwin in greater depth to make their conflict more compelling.
  • Develop the use of Mirage and Fade's powers to calm the girls down, allowing for a more gradual and impactful resolution.
  • Resolve the conflict between Oscar, Derwin, and the twins before ending the scene.
  • Improve the transition from the exam room to the front entrance of Halo Tower by providing a smoother segue.
  • Integrate the introduction of Arco Rylie VI and the mission to retrieve an asset more seamlessly into the scene, connecting it to the previous events.
  • Provide proper setup and context for the final scene in Scrapland, introducing the new character and conflict in a way that is clear and engaging.



Scene 3 -  Confrontation in Scrapland
INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
The parade of 3D billboards comes alive in the night sky.
Their twinkling and strobing blur past the windows of the
Hovervette.
13.

Holli pulls up a map of the city on the Hovervette's
holographic display. She zooms in on a small blinking dot.
HOLLI
His GPS just went dark. He's in
Dead Vegas.
(beat)
It's time for AMNESIA.
Odisko shudders as a chill runs down her spine.
Odisko takes her hands off of the flight controls.
Odisko activates the holo emitter in her wrist cuff, and it
projects a holographic disguise onto her. Suddenly, she's
AMNESIA, a femme fatale with a bushy, purple iridescent afro,
a black metallic catsuit, a cat's eye mask, and, of course,
biker boots.
AMNESIA
You know it.
(beat)
Okay, Holli, set a course for Dead
Vegas, and let's haul ass.
Holli's eyes glow white when she interfaces with the
Hovervette.
HOLLI
Plotting a course. We will arrive
in six minutes and twenty-two
seconds.
The city's congested chaos blurs out the windows as Holli
swoops and swerves through the madness with calculated
precision.
The cityscape grows more sparse the further into the city
they fly until they approach a dark, desolate district. An
old, derelict sign reads: Welcome to Neo-Vegas, but the word
Neo has been covered over with the word Dead.

EXT. DEAD VEGAS - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The abandoned district, shrowded in perpetual darkness, was
once a city of sin and excess when the city was first
constructed.
The Hovervette flies down the apocalyptic-looking street.
Barrels filled with flaming garbage light the desolate
blackness and dilapidated buildings.
14.

They pass one street that still has streetlights from hacking
the central energy core.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Amnesia watches the scene from her window and cringes when
she sees two filthy vagrants, covered in open sores, spear a
German Shepard-sized rat through the head and cheer
victoriously.
AMNESIA
I forgot how--rustic this place is.
Holli flies further into the forgotten wasteland and comes to
rest at the entrance to an old junkyard called Scrapland.
HOLLI
This is where the signal went dark.
AMNESIA
This is good. I don't want them to
hear us coming.
Amnesia exits the car.
Amnesia activates the holo-emitter in her wrist cuff; moments
later, Holli materializes outside the Hovervette.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
They approach the old, rusted gate with the lock busted off.
It opens with an eerie squeak. They enter the junkyard, a
maze comprised of twenty-foot-high rubbish walls that block
out what little light there is.
Holli lights their path with beams of light from her glowing
eyes.
The sound of vermin scattering echoes all around them.
HOLLI
I've got a thermal reading.
Holli leads Amnesia into the maze.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - MAZE - NIGHT
Amnesia and Holli prowl through the maze as stealthy as cats.
Holli spots an IRMA in the distance.
15.

Amnesia sniffs the air and covers her nose.
AMNESIA
What the hell is that smell?
HOLLI
You don't want to know.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - INNER MAZE - NIGHT
Amnesia and Holli reach the center of the maze. They stand
outside the entrance and hide behind the rubbish wall,
watching Fade and Mirage interogate Arny.
AMNESIA
Who the hell are they?
(beat)
Can you zoom in and get a closer
look?
Holli assesses the scene with her enhanced vision.
HOLLI
They're Halo Corps.
AMNESIA
What the hell are they doing here?
(beat)
We can't let them get the kid.
Amnesia and Holli charge onto the scene like forces of
nature.
Fade sees the vixens running toward them and points his
blaster at them.
Holli shoots it out of his hand with a blast of concentrated
light from her eyes.
Fade shouts out in pain.
FADE
Fuck! You almost blew my hand off!
Holli shouts back.
HOLLI
Next time, I will.
Holli encroaches on Fade, ready to attack.
Amnesia dematerializes her gloves to expose her bare hands as
she moves closer to the fire pit.
16.

Amnesia gets close enough to see the roasting leg and gags.
AMNESIA
Geezus fuck! What the fucking fuck?
HOLLI
Told you you didn't want to know.
Then, Amnesia sees Arny's face illuminated by the flames. Her
eyes widen.
AMNESIA
It's you!
BEGIN FLASHBACK

EXT. HALO BOTANICAL GARDEN - DAY - 10-YEARS-AGO
Halo Botanical Garden, an oasis among the madness. The
pristine paradise, a fusion of nature and Hard-Lite
constructs seamlessly blended together. Holographic trees and
beds of colorful flowers line the walking paths that weave
through the splendor.
YOUNG ODISKO(14), a tall, lanky girl still adjusting to her
recent growth spurt, enters the park holding the hand of her
little brother, eight-year-old HAJI. A mischievous rascal
with spiked micro-dreads, an infectious smile, and an angelic
giggle.
KARMA(50), a patient woman with kind eyes, wearing a hijab
and flowing green sari, takes a seat on a bench and reads her
book, projected from her wrist cuff.
Haji sees a butterfly and pulls away from Young Odisko to
chase after it. He follows it to a flower bed. Before he has
captured it, the butterfly floats away on a passing breeze.
Haji picks a bright pink virtual daisy. Another daisy
reappears in its spot. He smells the flower.
HAJI
Do you think this is what real
flowers smelled like?
Young Odisko shrugs her shoulders.
YOUNG ODISKO
I doubt if anybody knows that. I
think they were all long gone
before they built the city.
Haji hands the daisy to Young Odisko.
17.

HAJI
Tag, you're it.
Haji takes off like a bolt of lightning.
Karma looks up from her reading.
KARMA
Don't run off too far. Stay where I
can see you.
Young Odisko acknowledges her mother with a wave.
Young Odisko chases after him, running at half-speed to let
him think he's winning.
Finally, Young Odisko catches up to her brother and gently
tackles him to the plush, green grass. They roll around and
giggle.
Haji stands up.
HAJI
Spin me, Oddy?
Young Odisko stands and takes Haji's hand. She begins to
helicopter-spin him in a circle. His legs lift off the
ground.
Haji squeals with joy as the world around him blurs into
finger paint with discernible shapes.
HAJI (CONT'D)
Faster, faster!
As they spin, they don't notice the purple light start to
build between their hands. Before either of them has time to
react, the energy explodes in a massive shock wave and sends
the two of them flying backward.
Young Odisko lands several feet away and crashes to the
ground.
Haji gets blown into the virtual fountain.
Karma gets up, in shock, and hurries over to her children,
who have run a fair distance from her.
Young Odisko gets up and shakes off her sore backside, and
runs to save Haji.
Karma shouts to them.
18.

KARMA
What happened?
Young Odisko lifts her brother out of the fountain, still dry
because the virtual water isn't wet.
Young Odisko hugs him and checks him for injury.
YOUNG ODISKO
Are you okay Haji?
HAJI
Did we do that?
Haji reaches for a pendant around his neck.
HAJI (CONT'D)
MY BOBBI BEAR!
Tears begin to stream down his cheeks.
YOUNG ODISKO
Don't cry Haji, I'll get it for
you.
Young Odisko bends herself over the edge of the fountain
while her feet kick wildly in the air.
From nowhere, YOUNG ARNY(40), looking slimmer and healthy,
appears and lets out a burst of air from holding his breath
and grabs Haji.
Karma sprints toward her children.
Haji screams for Young Odisko.
Young Odisko stands triumphantly with the pendant. She turns
around to see Young Arny holding Haji.
Karma charges at Young Arny and grabs his arm to try and free
Haji from his grip.
KARMA
LET HIM GO!
Karma's no match for Young Arny, who easily throws her to the
ground.
Young Arny covers Haji's face with an ether-soaked rag, and
Haji goes limp. A moment later, Young Arny takes a deep
breath and holds it in, then vanishes in a blink.
Karma looks around and screams for help.
19.

END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Holli and Amnesia locate the person they are looking for in Dead Vegas and decide to confront Fade and Mirage. They enter the junkyard called Scrapland and make their way through the maze, encountering vermin and a foul smell. In the center of the maze, they observe Fade and Mirage interrogating Arny. Amnesia recognizes Arny and has a flashback to a past event. The scene ends with Amnesia and Holli charging towards Fade and Mirage, ready to confront them.
Strengths
  • Effective world-building
  • Intense and gritty tone
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited memorable dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the setting, introduces the main characters, and creates a sense of urgency and danger. The use of futuristic technology and holographic disguises adds an innovative element to the story. The dark and gritty tone enhances the intensity of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a futuristic city with 3D billboards, hover vehicles, and holographic disguises is intriguing and well-executed. The use of Dead Vegas as a desolate and dangerous location adds depth to the world-building.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the main characters, Holli and Amnesia, tracking down a missing person in Dead Vegas. The introduction of the Halo Corps as unexpected antagonists raises the stakes and adds a layer of conflict.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its futuristic setting, advanced technology, and dystopian atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique to the story, adding freshness to familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Holli and Amnesia are introduced with distinct personalities and motivations. Holli is the analytical and resourceful pilot, while Amnesia is the fearless and determined femme fatale. Their dynamic and the mystery surrounding the missing person create intrigue.

Character Changes: 6

There is limited character development or change in this scene. The focus is more on establishing the characters and the situation they find themselves in.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find the missing person in Dead Vegas. This reflects their desire to protect and save others, as well as their determination to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate the missing person in Dead Vegas and prevent the Halo Corps from capturing them. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing physical danger and the threat of the Halo Corps. The tension is heightened by the desolate and dangerous setting of Dead Vegas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the Halo Corps posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will go and is invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters are on a mission to find a missing person in a dangerous and abandoned city. The introduction of the Halo Corps as potential antagonists raises the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict and setting up the mission to find the missing person. It also establishes the desolate and dangerous nature of Dead Vegas.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the appearance of the Halo Corps and the shocking discovery of the missing person. The reader is kept on their toes and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and protecting the innocent, and the Halo Corps' actions that go against these values. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and forces them to confront the corruption and power imbalance in their society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits fear and shock through the description of the abandoned city and the gruesome sight of the vagrants spearing a rat. The determination of the characters also adds a sense of emotional investment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys information and establishes the characters' personalities. However, there are limited opportunities for memorable or impactful lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a high-stakes situation, develops the characters' motivations and conflicts, and creates a sense of tension and mystery. The reader is drawn into the story and wants to know what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The action is well-paced, with moments of intensity and moments of reflection, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of sluglines, action lines, and dialogue. The scene is easy to read and understand, enhancing the reader's experience.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The pacing and progression of the scene are well-executed, building tension and moving the story forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual description of the 3D billboards coming alive in the night sky, which sets the tone and atmosphere effectively.
  • The dialogue between Holli and Odisko is concise and serves to establish their mission and the urgency of the situation.
  • The description of Amnesia's holographic disguise is vivid and helps to create a clear image of her appearance.
  • The action and movement of the Hovervette through the city are well-described and create a sense of excitement and tension.
  • The description of Dead Vegas and Scrapland effectively conveys the desolate and dangerous nature of the setting.
  • The dialogue between Amnesia and Holli provides necessary information and builds anticipation for the confrontation with Fade and Mirage.
  • The use of Holli's enhanced vision and Amnesia's reaction to the smell adds depth to the scene and engages the reader's senses.
  • The flashback sequence provides important backstory and emotional context for Amnesia's recognition of Arny.
  • The scene ends with a strong cliffhanger, leaving the reader eager to know what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader further into the scene.
  • Provide more specific descriptions of the characters' movements and expressions to make the action more vivid.
  • Explore opportunities to deepen the conflict and tension between the characters, particularly in the confrontation with Fade and Mirage.
  • Consider incorporating more emotional reactions and internal thoughts to give the characters greater depth and complexity.
  • Ensure that the flashback sequence is clearly signaled and smoothly integrated into the narrative flow.
  • Consider adding more dialogue or interaction between Amnesia and Holli to further develop their dynamic and relationship.
  • Experiment with different ways to reveal information about the characters and their pasts, such as through dialogue or visual cues.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger to leave the reader even more eager to continue reading.



Scene 4 -  Amnesia's Escape and Devaun's Memory
EXT. SCRAPLAND - CENTER OF MAZE - NIGHT
Amnesia charges toward Arny with furious rage, but Fade and
Mirage block her path.
As soon as Fade and Mirage turn their attention to Amnesia,
Arny takes a deep breath, holds it in, and vanishes.
AMNESIA
Way to go, you let him get away.
Mirage looks over his shoulder.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Ah, god dammit Fade, you were
supposed to watch him.
AMNESIA
Look, Kid, we're here for the boy,
so just--
Mirage cuts Amnesia off.
MIRAGE/REGAN
I don't know who you're supposed to
be. Don't get me wrong, love, love,
love, the get up, but the child is
coming with us.
Mirage's eyes turn crimson as he flexes his power and emits a
pulse of energy that hits Amnesia, which momentarily stuns
her.
SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. OLD SALEM - NIGHT
When the disorientation clears, Amnesia finds herself in old-
world Salem, tied to a pyre like a witch.
Mirage stands beside her so he can taunt her.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Hope you like burning -- forever!
(beat)
And my name is Mirage, don't forget
it.
Smoke billows up as the flames engulf the pyre. In seconds,
Amnesia's surrounded by an inferno.
20.

Mirage gets a puzzled look on his face.
MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
Why aren't you screaming?
(beat)
You should be screaming.
With the slightest effort in her eyes, Amnesia flexes her
power. She extends her purple aura around her body and breaks
free from the illusion.
SLAM CUT TO:

EXT. SCRAPLAND - CENTER OF MAZE - NIGHT
Amnesia gets her bearings and sees Holli ready to take down
Fade. She shouts over to her.
AMNESIA
Forget that tool; we're here for
Devaun.
Mirage charges at Amnesia.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Screw the psychic shit. I'm just
going to kick your ass.
Amnesia takes a fighting stance. When Mirage gets close
enough, Amnesia lands a single punch to his face. When they
connect, there's an explosion of white light that sends
everyone flying backward.
Holli recovers first and rushes to Amnesia's side.
HOLLI
Are you injured? I've scanned your
vitals; nothing is broken.

Fade's out cold.
Mirage stirs and moans as he tries to catch his breath. As he
stands, holding his side in extreme pain.
Mirage sees the blaster that Holli shot out of Fade's hand on
the ground next to him and picks it up.
Mirage points the blaster at Amnesia and fires it.
Holli gets in front of the energy blast and absorbs it.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Think you can handle level ten?
21.

Mirage sets the blaster to the maximum.
Fade wakes and shouts for Mirage.
FADE
Help!
Mirage backs up to Fade's position and helps him to his feet.
Fade can barely stand.
MIRAGE/REGAN
You're fucked; we need to get out
of here.
FADE
But-
MIRAGE/REGAN
Arny's gone, and the kid is damaged
goods; my father will understand.
Fade's legs give out on him.
Mirage supports Fade's weight and carries him back into the
maze.
Holli's eyes flare up with rage.
HOLLI
Stay here; I'll deal with those
two.
Amnesia grabs Holli's arm.
AMNESIA
Let them go; we're here for Devaun.
(beat)
Have you found him?
Holli helps Amnesia to her feet and points to the bus.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - INNER MAZE - NIGHT
Mirage limps through the maze, dragging a barely conscious
Fade. The darkness surrounds them, and the sounds of the
night grow louder.
Mirage sees the IRMA a couple of hundred feet away but
collapses, pulled down under the weight of Fade. He slaps
Fade to wake him up.
Fade grunts.
22.

Mirage gets to his feet and tries to pull Fade to his.
The local vermin become more emboldened and emerge from the
shadows—the oversized rats with menacing teeth stalk Mirage
and Fade.
Mirage slaps Fade so hard it leaves a red welt on his cheek.
MIRAGE/REGAN
You need to wake up, or we're going
to get eaten.
A large, filthy rat crawls on Fade.
Mirage turns around to see a swarm of rats scurrying towards
them. He screams at Fade.
MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
Open your fucking eyes.
Fade forces his eyes open and sees the rodent crawling up his
leg. It jolts him awake.
Fade shrieks from fear and kicks his legs wildly, and the rat
flies off of him and joins the pack.
Fade struggles to get to his feet.
Mirage puts one of Fade's arms over his shoulder and leads
him toward the IRMA.
Fade takes short, labored breaths.
FADE
I think my ribs are broken. I can't
breathe.
The rats swarm at their feet, nipping at their legs.
Mirage pulls out his blaster and fires a warning shot into
the air, but it doesn't deter the rats.
Mirage points the blaster at the mass of rodents.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Bigger problems.
Mirage fires the blaster into the rats, sending pieces of
them flying into the air. The blood and entrails rain down on
Fade and Mirage like a twisted baptism of blood and gore.
23.

EXT. SCRAPLAND - CENTER OF MAZE - NIGHT
Holli helps Amnesia to her feet, and they walk over to the
bus.
Amnesia tries to open the backdoor of the bus, but it's
locked. She steps aside to avoid Holli's laser eyes.
Holli blasts out the lock and opens the door to find Devaun
mutilated, bound, and gagged.
Before Amnesia approaches Devaun, she deactivates her
disguise and transforms into Odisko.

INT. DERELICT BUS - NIGHT
The bus looks like something out of a horror movie, with
broken or blacked-out windows and piles of garbage
everywhere.
Devaun lays on a blood-stained mattress and weeps, his cries
muffled by his gag.
Odisko kneels down and comforts Devaun.
Devaun lets off a muffled scream and tries to recoil.
ODISKO
It's okay, Devaun; we're not going
to hurt you.
Odisko unties his hands and removes his gag.
Devaun bites Odisko's hand.
DEVAUN
(imitating Arny)
You taste better fresh.
Odisko retracts her hand and yelps from the pain.
Devaun punches and slaps Odisko.
Odisko wraps her arms around Devaun and hugs him.
Devaun stops fighting.
ODISKO
Let me help you.
Odisko holds Devaun's hand, stares into his eyes, and flexes
her power; they gasp in unison. With a purple rush of light,
she travels into Devaun's mind.
24.

PUSH INTO DEVAUN'S MIND

INT. DEVAUN'S MIND - DAY
When Odisko opens her eyes, she's in Devaun's memory center.
A myriad of memories that look like bubbles blown from a
child's wand float in an endless white expanse.
Odisko closes her eyes to concentrate. A few moments later, a
black orb floating in the distance moves toward Odisko,
passes through her body, and enters her head as she takes the
memory from Devaun.

INT. ARNY'S FLYING POD - NIGHT
We're in the memory; the images are orange and grainy.
Odisko relives the memory through Devaun's eyes. She's in the
backseat of a beat-up flying pod filled with trash and old,
moldy food. She opens her eyes, her vision restricted by a
blindfold.
Odisko tries to move but can't due to the bindings around her
hands and feet. He sobs, muffled by her gag.
Arny speaks to her as he exits the pod.
ARNY
Now, Piglet, Uncle Arny needs to
make a quick stop. Be a good little
piggy, and I'll bring you a
surprise.
Odisko hears the door close. She waits a few seconds, then
squirms around. She uses her head to apply pressure against
the side of the pod and manages to upright herself and lower
her blindfold enough to expose one eye.
Odisko searches the area for someone to help her, but the
streets are empty. The only thing she sees is a pub across
the street. The sign out front reads Heff's Pub.
Odisko sees Arny exiting the pub and walking back to the pod,
holding a stuffed elephant. Before she can lay back down,
Arny catches her peaking and flings the door open, causing
her to spill out of the pod and crash face-first onto the
ground.
25.

EXT. ARNY'S FLYING POD - NIGHT
Odisko lays flat on her face and screams from pain and
terror.
ARNY
I told you to be a good little
piggy. Bad boys get punished.
Arny bends down, picks Odisko up, and throws her over his
shoulder.
Odisko takes a bite out of the side of Arny's neck.
Arny yells and throws Odisko back into the backseat of the
pod.
Arny picks up a dirty rag from the back of the pod and wipes
his bloody wound.
ARNY (CONT'D)
Oh, a biter, eh? Me too, but that's
for later.
END FLASHBACK
PULL OUT OF DEVAUN'S MIND

INT. DERELICT BUS - NIGHT
Odisko exits the memory and returns to the physical world.
She stands but immediately collapses.
Devaun sleeps.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Fantasy"]

Summary In this intense and suspenseful scene, Amnesia charges towards Arny with rage, but Fade and Mirage block her path. Arny vanishes, leaving Mirage and Amnesia to argue about letting him get away. Mirage uses his power to stun Amnesia, who later finds herself tied to a pyre in old-world Salem. Breaking free from the illusion, Amnesia returns to the center of the maze where she sees Holli ready to fight Fade. Mirage charges at Amnesia, but she punches him, creating an explosion of light. Holli helps Amnesia and they find Devaun on a bus. Mirage and Fade limp through the maze and are attacked by rats. Holli blasts the lock on the bus and finds Devaun bound and gagged. Amnesia transforms into Odisko and comforts Devaun, entering his mind to retrieve a memory of Arny's abuse.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Strong tension
  • Clear character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong tension and high stakes. The action and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of characters trying to rescue a boy from a dangerous maze-like world is intriguing and sets up a compelling story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns. The characters' objectives and conflicts are clearly established, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique setting, Scrapland, and the use of supernatural powers. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and have clear motivations. Their actions and dialogue reveal their personalities and drive the conflict.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and reactions reveal their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to rescue Devaun and protect him from harm. This reflects her deeper desire to keep those she cares about safe.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat Mirage and Fade and ensure that Devaun is not harmed. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing off against these antagonists.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene. The physical and emotional stakes are high, creating tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with Mirage and Fade posing a significant threat to the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters fighting for the life of a young boy and facing physical and emotional danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the characters and their objectives. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it contains unexpected twists and turns, such as Amnesia breaking free from an illusion and Mirage being injured by Amnesia's punch.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Mirage and Amnesia. Mirage represents a value system of power and control, while Amnesia values protecting and rescuing others. This challenges Amnesia's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anger, and determination in the characters and the audience. The emotional impact adds depth to the action.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reveals information about the characters and their relationships. It adds tension and emotion to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it contains intense action, high stakes, and emotional moments. The reader is invested in the outcome and wants to see how the characters will overcome their challenges.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The action sequences are well-paced, and the dialogue flows smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of dialogue, character names, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines that effectively convey the events taking place.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong sense of tension and conflict as Amnesia charges towards Arny with furious rage, but Fade and Mirage block her path. This immediately sets up the conflict between Amnesia and the two antagonists, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • However, the dialogue in this scene feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety. For example, when Amnesia criticizes Fade for letting Arny get away, it feels a bit too direct and could be conveyed through actions and subtext instead.
  • The transition to the flashback in old-world Salem is abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide some visual cues or a brief description to indicate the shift in time and location.
  • The description of the pyre and the flames engulfing Amnesia is vivid and creates a strong visual image. However, the dialogue between Mirage and Amnesia in this section feels a bit cliché and could be more nuanced.
  • The transition back to the center of the maze is also abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition. Providing a clear visual cue or a brief description of the change in setting would help the reader follow the scene more easily.
  • The action sequence between Amnesia, Mirage, and Fade is well-paced and exciting. The use of Amnesia's power to create an explosion of light adds a visually stunning element to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Mirage and Fade as they limp through the maze and are attacked by rats feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed. It would be more effective to focus on their physical struggle and the tension of the situation.
  • The description of Holli finding Devaun bound and gagged on the bus is chilling and creates a sense of urgency and danger. The transformation of Amnesia into Odisko adds an unexpected twist to the scene.
  • The flashback sequence inside Devaun's mind is a powerful moment that reveals important information about his past and adds depth to the character of Odisko. The use of the memory center and the visual imagery of the memories as bubbles blown from a child's wand is a creative and effective way to convey the concept.
  • The scene ends with a strong sense of resolution as Odisko comforts Devaun and retrieves a memory of Arny's abuse. This sets up the potential for further conflict and development in future scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue in this scene to be more subtle and nuanced, allowing the emotions and conflicts to be conveyed through actions and subtext.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and time periods to make them clearer and easier to follow.
  • Condense and streamline the dialogue between Mirage and Fade as they limp through the maze and are attacked by rats to maintain the tension and pacing of the scene.
  • Consider adding more sensory details and descriptions to enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.
  • Continue to explore and develop the relationship between Amnesia and Devaun, as well as the dynamics between the other characters, to deepen the emotional stakes and conflicts in the story.



Scene 5 -  Odisko's Determination
EXT. SCRAPLAND - CENTER OF MAZE - NIGHT
Holli helps Odisko out of the bus, then picks Devaun up and
carries him over to Odisko.
Odisko cradles Devaun in her arms and weeps.
HOLLI
Are you alright?
ODISKO
Call his parents and tell them to
meet us at the hospital.
Odisko takes off her wrist cuff and hands it to Holli.
26.

ODISKO (CONT'D)
I need a minute. Can you get the
Hovervette?
Holli runs to get the Hovervette.

EXT. HALO CITY - HOSPITAL - NIGHT
A busy hospital emergency entrance. Ambulance attendants
unload a bloody accident victim and rush them into the
hospital.
The Hovervette flies into the receiving area and finds Taffy
and her husband, ELROY(44), a delicate-looking man with
distinguished grey patches on the side of his head, wearing
dress pants and a cardigan sweater, waiting with bated
breath.
Elroy consoles Taffy with a hug as she cries into his
shoulder when he sees the Hovervette fly into the parking
lot.
An orderly wearing blue hospital scrubs stands next to them
with a waiting gurney.
Elroy and Taffy rush over to meet them.
The orderly follows.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Odisko sits in the Hovervette and collects her thoughts. She
sees Taffy and Elroy running over to her car. She takes back
the emitter from Holli, activates her disguise, and becomes
Amnesia.
AMNESIA
Wait here; I'll be right back.
Amnesia steps out of the Hovervette.

EXT. HALO CITY - HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Amnesia picks up Devaun, who is still asleep, from the
backseat of the Hovervette, carries him over to the gurney,
and lays him down.
Both parents shriek when they see Devaun's missing leg.
Taffy kisses Devaun's head as tears overtake her.
27.

TAFFY
My baby! Elroy, look at what they
did do to our son.
The orderly wheels the gurney toward the emergency entrance.
Amnesia lays Devaun down on the gurney.
ELROY
Is he-
AMNESIA
He's sleeping.
Taffy throws her arms around Amnesia and squeezes with
everything she has left.
TAFFY
Thank you. I don't know what else
to say.
The orderly wheels the gurney toward the hospital.
Taffy releases Amnesia and flares up with rage.
TAFFY (CONT'D)
Who did this? What happened to his
leg?
Elroy hugs Taffy to calm her.
ELROY
Go with them; he'll want to see you
when he wakes up. I'll be right
behind you.
Taffy dries her tears and follows the orderly into the
hospital.
Elroy looks into Amesia's eyes. His reserved facade cracks as
the trauma sets in, and tears stream from his eyes.
ELROY (CONT'D)
A nine-year-old boy? Who could do
something like this?
AMNESIA
I don't know his name, but--
Elroy cuts her off.
ELROY
Did you catch him? I want him to
pay.
28.

Amnesia lowers her head.
AMNESIA
I had to let him go so I could save
Devaun, but trust me, HE WILL PAY!
ELROY
What happened to his leg? Where was
he?
AMNESIA
It's best if you don't know. As for
Devaun, I took his tortured
memories. They're a part of me now.
(beat)
Once they regrow his leg, he'll be
good as new.
Elroy accesses his wrist cuff and then presents it to Amnesia
to scan.
ELROY
Here, it's only ten thousand
credits, but it's all we can
afford.
Amnesia declines the reward.
AMNESIA
That's not necessary, go, be with
your family.
Elroy hugs Amnesia.
ELROY
The world needs more heroes.
Amnesia turns away and walks toward the Hovervette but looks
back at Elroy.
AMNESIA
I'm no hero.
ELROY
You are to us.
Amnesia enters the Hovervette and flies away.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Holli pilots the Hovervette through the congested streets.
29.

Amnesia deactivates her disguise and transforms into Odisko
while she stares out the window.
Odisko holds the pendant around her neck in her hands and
breaks down.
HOLLI
Are you injured? Shall I return to
the hospital?
Odisko wipes her tears away.
ODISKO
I've just got that kid's fucked up
nightmare stuck in my head, and
it's kicking my ass. It feels like
it all happened to me.
HOLLI
Can I help?
ODISKO
I need to find that monster, he's
the man that stole Haji. Set a
course for Heff's Pub; it's back in
Dead Vegas.
HOLLI
You're tired; given the nature of
this evening's events, I propose we
wait until tomorrow. You have an
elevated heart-
ODISKO
I didn’t ask for a fucking bio-
scan. I told you to take me back to
Dead Vegas.
HOLLI
Because I don’t want to take you
there. You’re exhausted; you need
to rest.
ODISKO
Don’t tell me what I need. I need
to find my little brother.
(beat)
Look, if we’re not on our way to
Dead Vegas in the next 5 seconds,
I’m going to reformat you and start
over.
(beat)
I fucking made you, don’t forget
it.
30.

Holli parks the Hovervette on the side of the road and
deactivates herself.
Odisko tries to start the car but to no avail.

EXT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Odisko's tirade resonates from the car and fills the night
sky with the sound of screaming and sobbing.
Odisko gets out of the Hovervette and slams the door shut.
ODISKO
When I get home, I'm going to erase
you, you bitch!
Odisko walks away, still sobbing.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary Holli helps Odisko out of the bus and carries Devaun over to her. Odisko hands Holli her wrist cuff and asks her to get the Hovervette while she weeps. The Hovervette flies to the hospital where Taffy and Elroy are waiting for them. Amnesia, Odisko's alter ego, steps out of the Hovervette and picks up Devaun to take him inside. Taffy and Elroy are devastated to see Devaun's missing leg. Elroy offers Amnesia a reward, but she declines. Odisko asks Holli to take her to Heff's Pub in Dead Vegas to find the man who stole her little brother. Holli suggests waiting until tomorrow, but Odisko threatens to reformat her if she doesn't comply. The Hovervette breaks down, and Odisko walks away sobbing.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong conflict
  • Compelling characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the intense emotions of the characters and sets up a strong conflict that drives the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother seeking justice for her injured son is compelling and emotionally resonant.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the mother's desperation to find the person responsible for her son's injury, creating a strong sense of urgency and conflict.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and the protagonist's search for a kidnapped family member are familiar elements, the specific details and emotional depth of the scene add a fresh approach.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are effectively portrayed, particularly the mother's determination and the father's grief.

Character Changes: 8

The mother undergoes a change in her emotional state, from grief to determination, as she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find the person who kidnapped her little brother. This reflects her deeper need to protect and reunite with her family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go back to Dead Vegas to search for the kidnapper. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the mother's desperation and the AI assistant's concern for her well-being creates tension and drives the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges in her search for the kidnapper and the emotional turmoil she experiences.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as the mother's son has been severely injured and she is determined to find the person responsible.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the mother's resolve to find the person responsible for her son's injury.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a missing leg for the kidnapped child, adding a surprising and unexpected element to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the mother's grief and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, particularly in the mother's outburst towards the AI assistant.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and evokes strong emotions from the characters. The reader is invested in the protagonist's search for her kidnapped brother.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with action and dialogue, keeping the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses the plot.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between locations and actions, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
  • The emotional beats and reactions of the characters could be more clearly conveyed through dialogue and actions.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, lacking authenticity and depth.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting.
  • The conflict between Odisko and Holli could be more developed and resolved in a more satisfying way.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with important moments and emotions not given enough time to breathe.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, making it difficult for the reader to understand its significance in the overall story.
  • The transitions between different character perspectives and locations could be smoother and more seamless.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the reader in the world and enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue could be more nuanced and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the transitions between locations and actions by using clear scene headings and concise descriptions.
  • Focus on conveying the characters' emotions through their actions and reactions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, ensuring that it reflects the characters' unique voices and motivations.
  • Add more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, allowing the reader to fully visualize the scene.
  • Develop and resolve the conflict between Odisko and Holli in a more satisfying and meaningful way, giving it more depth and impact.
  • Take the time to fully explore and develop the important moments and emotions in the scene, allowing them to have a greater impact on the reader.
  • Ensure that the scene has a clear focus and purpose, contributing to the overall story and advancing the plot or character development.
  • Smoothly transition between different character perspectives and locations by using clear and concise transitions.
  • Include more sensory details to immerse the reader in the world and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more nuanced and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships, adding depth and authenticity.



Scene 6 -  Injuries, Comfort, and Confessions
INT. THE ORBITAT - INFIRMARY - NIGHT
A sterile-looking room with several individual medical pods
that look like futuristic beds with built-in biometric
scanners. DR. FELIX(50), androgynous, in a white lab coat,
treats Fade's injuries.
Fade lies encapsulated in a surgical pod called a
Regenerator. A screen on the side displays an X-ray of Fade's
broken ribs. Micro lasers dance across the monitor as they
penetrate his body and regenerate his bones.
Mirage lies unconscious in an adjacent medical pod, connected
to a monitor that beeps with steady precision.
NESSA RYLIE(30), the picture of grace and affluence, walks
into the infirmary with a commanding presence and heads
straight to Mirage's side. When the doctor sees her, he stops
tending to Fade and rushes to attend to her.
NESSA
How is my son doing?
DR. FELIX
A mild concussion and some
abdominal bruising, nothing to
worry about.
Nessa kisses Mirage's forehead and tries to wake him.
NESSA
Sweetheart, it's mom.
Nessa gives Mirage a little shake.
31.

Mirage opens his eyes.
NESSA (CONT'D)
Oh good, you're awake.
Mirage looks around, disoriented. He speaks, but his voice is
harsh and cracks.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Mother? What's happening?
Nessa turns and scolds the doctor.
NESSA
Can you get him some water?
Nessa turns back to her son.
NESSA (CONT'D)
Everything's fine; you had a
concussion. Dr. Felix says you're
fine now.
The doctor brings a glass of water over to Nessa.
Nessa looks at the glass and then back to the doctor.
NESSA (CONT'D)
With a straw!
The doctor rushes back to the replicator and has it produce a
straw, then delivers it to Nessa.
Nessa helps Mirage drink some water. The first few sips make
him cough.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Where's father?
Nessa smiles.
NESSA
Why am I not good enough?
MIRAGE/REGAN
I need to speak with him.
Arco walks into the infirmary, his chest puffed up with
pride.
Dr. Felix sees Arco and bows his head in subservience.
32.

ARCO RYLIE VI
Regan, my boy. Not the best first
day, I gather?
MIRAGE/REGAN
We failed, and they got away.
ARCO RYLIE VI
I know, I hear you got your ass
kicked. Fade told me all about it.
Nessa gives Arco a little slap.
NESSA
Don't tease.
Mirage looks around the room and sees Fade in the surgical
pod.
MIRAGE/REGAN
How is he?
NESSA
Just some broken ribs, nothing a
bit of rest, and science can't
cure.
ARCO RYLIE VI
About those women, I think I should
meet them.
Mirage raises his brow.
MIRAGE
They stole the asset and let Arny
getaway, and you want to meet them?
Wouldn't killing them be better?
Arco sighs.
ARCO RYLIE VI
Killing is just so--permanent. If
they prove to be problems, there
are plenty of other ways to deal
with them.
Nessa takes Arco's hand.
NESSA
Come, darling, let's leave him be.
Arco pats Mirage's leg.
33.

ARCO RYLIE VI
Rest up, my boy; as soon as the two
of you are back on your feet, I
need you to track Arny down. He'll
lead us to this psychic and her
hologram.
Mirage's eyelids flutter as he falls back to sleep.
Arco and Nessa leave the infirmary.

INT. ODISKO'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
An immaculate room. A plush-looking mauve sofa, a matching
armchair, and two end tables fill the tiny space. An avant-
garde metal sculpture in one corner immediately grabs one's
attention.
Odisko opens the door to her apartment and walks inside with
her head and shoulders slumped over. The fatigue from the
evening's events weighs heavily on her face.
DENNI(26), a non-binary person with long silky black hair, a
goatee, and tons of eyeliner, gets up from the sofa to greet
her.
DENNI
Wow, you look rough. What’s the
matter? Your aura is grey; I could
sense you before you even walked
in.
Odisko rolls her eyes.
ODISKO
Fucking Holli malfunctioned last
night. Wouldn't follow orders and
left me stranded.
(beat)
It took me four hours to get home.
Odisko walks over to the replicator built into the wall and
replicates a large bottle of whiskey.
DENNI
Oh, it’s like that, is it?
(beat)
Want to talk about it?
Odisko avoids eye contact, opens the bottle, and drinks
directly from it. She winces from the burning in her throat.
34.

ODISKO
I need a bunch of drinks first.
(beat)
Can we go to the beach, please?
Denni, without hesitation, walks over to the end table next
to the sofa, grabs a remote control, and activates the
display screen.
Denni scrolls through a list of locations, stops on one
called Perfect Beach, and presses a button to activate it.
Instantly, the room, entirely comprised of Hard-Lite
constructs, morphs into a sandy beach.

EXT. HOLOGRAPHIC BEACH - NIGHT
A pristine beach. The full moon reflects off the deep purple
water as it cascades along the endless shoreline. In the
distance, a bonfire rages as revelers dance around it. The
sound of an acoustic guitar hints in the air.
Denni presses another button on the remote, and a small
campfire and blanket appear at their feet. They take Odisko
by the hand and sit her on the blanket.
Denni sits behind her and wraps their arms around her.
Odisko takes a slug from the bottle. Then another and
another. As she stares at the fire, she sees Arny's face
dancing in the flames.
Odisko speaks but slurs her words.
ODISKO
I found the man who took Haji.
Denni gets excited.
DENNI
Oh my gawd, that's great!
Odisko starts to cry.
DENNI (CONT'D)
Isn't it?
Odisko shakes her head and then slams another gulp.
Odisko hands the bottle to Denni, but they decline.
ODISKO
Trust me!
35.

Denni takes the bottle from Odisko and takes a mouthful.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
He kidnapped this little boy we
were looking for. We found them in
a junkyard in Dead Vegas. He was
eating the boy's leg.
Denni gasps and pulls Odisko in tighter.
DENNI
Oh, my gawd!
(beat)
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I hope you killed him.
ODISKO
He got away. Two Halo Corps goons
were there and got in my way, so he
escaped before I could get anything
out of him.
DENNI
Halo Corps? Since when do they
rescue missing children?
ODISKO
No idea, but they were keen on
taking the boy.
Odisko slams the rest of the bottle and cries harder.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
That poor little boy, I couldn't
leave him like that.
Denni interrupts Odisko.
DENNI
Wait, you took his memories, didn't
you?
Odisko stays silent.
DENNI (CONT'D)
I know you mean well, but you can't
keep doing that. Look what it does
to you.
ODISKO
Sometimes, like this one, I have no
choice.
Odisko slumps down as she passes out.
36.

Denni strokes her hair.
Odisko jolts in her sleep and speaks, sounding like a child.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, Uncle Arny; I promise
I'll be a good boy.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Dr. Felix treats Fade's injuries in the infirmary of The Orbitat while Nessa comforts Mirage. Arco discusses their failed mission with Mirage. The scene then transitions to Odisko's apartment, where she arrives exhausted and upset. Denni comforts her and they create a holographic beach to relax. Odisko reveals her encounter with the man who kidnapped Haji and her decision to erase his memories. Odisko passes out, and Denni stays by her side.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Effective use of futuristic technology
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines emotional moments with the introduction of new information, creating a sense of intrigue and raising the stakes for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced medical technology and the mention of a psychic and hologram add an interesting layer to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as new information is revealed about the kidnapping and the characters' motivations.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces unique elements such as the medical pods and biometric scanners, which contribute to the futuristic world. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and reflect their individual personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are explored in this scene, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional growth and change as they confront the challenges they face.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out the condition of Mirage and ensure his safety. This reflects their deeper need for protection and care for their loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to track down Arny and the psychic. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding important leads and capturing the culprits.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between the characters' desires and the challenges they face.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and conflicting beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised as the characters realize the severity of the situation and the need to find the kidnapped boy.

Story Forward: 9

The scene reveals important information and progresses the plot, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like the Halo Corps' involvement and Mirage's harsh voice. However, some plot developments are more predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Mirage's desire to kill the women who stole the asset and Arco's belief in finding alternative ways to deal with problems. This challenges Mirage's worldview and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and the revelation of the kidnapping.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflicts, reveals important information, and develops the characters' relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotional depth with moments of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper use of action lines, dialogue, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Fade being treated for his injuries in a futuristic medical pod, while Mirage lies unconscious in an adjacent pod. The description of the medical pods and the treatment process is well-written and provides a clear visual image for the reader.
  • Nessa Rylie, Mirage's mother, enters the infirmary and shows concern for her son's well-being. However, the interaction between Nessa and the doctor feels rushed and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship and Nessa's emotions in more detail to create a stronger emotional impact.
  • Mirage wakes up disoriented and asks about his father, which leads to a conversation between Nessa, Mirage, and Arco Rylie VI. While the dialogue is functional, it lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be helpful to delve deeper into Mirage's emotions and his relationship with his parents to create a more engaging scene.
  • The transition to Odisko's apartment is abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the previous scene. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger link between the two settings to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • In Odisko's apartment, the interaction between Odisko and Denni is well-written and provides insight into Odisko's emotional state. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext and nuance to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • The revelation of Odisko finding the man who kidnapped Haji and her decision to erase his memories is a significant moment in the scene. However, the impact of this revelation could be heightened by exploring Odisko's conflicting emotions and the moral implications of her actions in more detail.
  • The scene ends with Odisko passing out, which feels abrupt and lacks a clear resolution. It would be beneficial to provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene, such as Odisko and Denni having a meaningful conversation or Odisko reflecting on her actions.
  • Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from deeper exploration of emotions, more nuanced dialogue, and a stronger narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Develop the relationship between Nessa and Mirage, as well as the emotional impact of Mirage's disorientation and desire to find his father.
  • Explore the emotional conflict within Odisko regarding her decision to erase memories and the moral implications of her actions.
  • Provide a smoother transition between the infirmary and Odisko's apartment to create a stronger narrative flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Odisko and Denni with more subtext and nuance to deepen the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Consider adding a more satisfying conclusion to the scene, such as a meaningful conversation between Odisko and Denni or Odisko reflecting on her actions.



Scene 7 -  Revitalization and Healing
INT. RYLIE'S QUARTERS - LOUNGE - DAY
It's a palace in the stars with old-world masterpieces
hanging on every wall. Arco looks haggard with grey skin and
sunken cheeks. He crosses the decadent lounge, taking slow,
labored steps over to a massive viewing port.
He stands at the window and watches as a parade of cargo
freighters dock and disembark from The Noah with fine-tuned
precision.
Nessa, looking equally fatigued and aged, enters the lounge
holding a tray with two syringes of a bright yellow liquid
and places it on a table.
NESSA
Come, my love, Regan will be home
soon.
Arco doesn't look away.
ARCO RYLIE VI
Fifteen years in the making, I
can't believe it's finished.
NESSA
And not a moment too soon.
(beat)
This next two weeks is going to be
hectic. Are you ready for it?
ARCO RYLIE VI
We have to be. If we miss the
launch window, we'll have to wait
six months, and it will be here in
less than four.
Nessa goes sullen.
NESSA
Those poor people.
ARCO RYLIE VI
They're already dead. It's up to us
to save humanity.
37.

Nessa walks over to Arco and helps him to a waiting chair.
ARCO RYLIE VI (CONT'D)
I hate these and can't wait till we
don't need them.
Nessa picks up a syringe and gives Arco a piece of leather.
Arco puts the leather strip in his mouth and bites down on
it.
NESSA
Now, hold still; I don't want to
miss.
Arco cocks his head to one side.
Nessa inserts the tip of the syringe into his jugular vein
and depresses the plunger.
Arco's entire veinal system glows yellow.
Arco grips the arms of the chair with a clenched jaw as his
body ceases and convulses.
After a few moments, his skin tightens, and his color
returns.
Arco jumps up from his chair with pep and vigor, unchangeably
perfect.
Arco sits Nessa in the chair and picks up the other syringe.
Before he injects her, he kisses her forehead.
ARCO RYLIE VI
Until forever.
NESSA
And then some.

INT. ODISKO'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A dark, gloomy room. It looks like a tornado passed through
the living room. Clothes, dishes, and random clutter cover
every surface. Dark shades block out any trace of daylight.
Odisko sits at her computer terminal, staring at lines of
code, looking as disheveled as her home. Her matted hair and
bloodshot eyes, accentuated by the dark bags beneath them,
say it all.
38.

Odisko free-pours whiskey into a dirty glass and gulps it
down.
The door chimes. A video monitor built into the door
activates, and Denni's concerned-looking face appears on the
screen.
Odisko doesn't move.
The door chimes again, followed by heavy knocking.
Odisko finally looks away from the screen when she hears the
door unlock but doesn't get up.
Denni opens the door, enters the apartment, and announces
themself.
Denni turns on a light and illuminates the disaster zone.
DENNI
O? It's me. Are you alive?
Denni sees Odisko at her desk.
Odisko doesn't acknowledge Denni.
Denni walks over to Odisko's desk and kisses her cheek.
Odisko doesn't reciprocate.
Denni sifts through the clutter, finds the Hard-Lite remote,
and removes the holographic window shades, filling the room
with light.
Qdisko squints her eyes and recoils from the light like a
vampire.
ODISKO
What the hell, Denni.
DENNI
O, I'm worried about you. We all
are.
Denni presses a button on the remote that says, RESET.
The room instantly reverts to its pristine state.
DENNI (CONT'D)
I left you here five days ago.
Please don't tell me you've been
sitting here that whole time.
39.

ODISKO
I can't figure out what the hell is
wrong with Holli.
Denni turns off the monitor.
Odisko glares at them.
DENNI
Look at yourself. You look like
crap. Have you even slept?
Odisko sighs and rolls her eyes.
ODISKO
Can you just go, please? I just
need to be alone.
Denni loses their temper.
DENNI
That's it! You are taking a shower,
and I'm taking you to see your
Appa.
Denni presses a different button on the remote, and one side
of the room transforms into a bathroom.
Denni stands Odisko up and marches her over to the bathroom.
Odisko submits and goes with Denni.

INT. ODISKO'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
A standard bathroom with a toilet and sonic shower set in a
small cubicle with brushed-metal walls and floor.
Denni undresses Odisko and puts her in the shower.
The shower activates, and vibrating pulses of inaudible sound
waves cascade over Odisko's body.
Odisko slumps her head down and lets out a heavy sigh, then
starts to cry.
DENNI
O, your aura is almost black; I can
feel your pain. You know you can
talk to me.
Odisko covers her face with her hands to muffle her scream.
40.

ODISKO
Every time I close my eyes, I see
him and that leg.
Odisko looks up and locks eyes with Denni.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
What if he did that to Haji?
Denni steps into the shower with their clothes on and holds
Odisko.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Arco and Nessa prepare for the upcoming launch window by injecting themselves with a glowing yellow liquid that revitalizes their bodies. Meanwhile, Odisko, struggling with trauma, is found in her messy apartment by Denni. Denni helps Odisko take a shower and opens up about her pain and trauma. The scene ends with Odisko sharing her struggles with Denni, while Arco and Nessa continue their preparations for the launch window.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling concept
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the exhaustion and desperation of the characters, while also introducing a sense of hope and determination. The emotional impact is strong, and the conflict is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mission to save humanity and the sacrifices involved is compelling and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and propels the story forward. The impending launch window and the need to save humanity create a sense of urgency and tension.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in these scenes is moderate. While the settings and character struggles are familiar, the specific details and emotional depth bring a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. The strained relationship between Arco and Nessa adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Odisko experiences a change in perspective and vulnerability as she opens up to Denni about her pain and fears.

Internal Goal: 8

In the first scene, Arco's internal goal is to complete the launch of The Noah and save humanity. This reflects his desire to make a meaningful impact and fulfill his purpose. In the second scene, Odisko's internal goal is to cope with her pain and grief over a past trauma. This reflects her need for healing and finding a way to move forward.

External Goal: 7

In the first scene, Arco's external goal is to successfully launch The Noah and ensure the cargo freighters dock and disembark with precision. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in completing the mission. In the second scene, Odisko's external goal is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Denni wants to help her overcome her current state of despair and isolation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters' desire to save humanity and the physical and emotional toll it takes on them creates tension and drives the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in these scenes is moderate. Arco faces the challenge of successfully launching The Noah and saving humanity, while Odisko struggles with her pain and grief. The audience is unsure of the outcome and how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters are responsible for saving humanity and face the possibility of failure and loss.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mission's urgency, deepening the relationship between characters, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the syringes of bright yellow liquid and the transformation of the characters' appearances. These elements create intrigue and raise questions about the story's direction.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in these scenes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the reader/viewer, particularly through the portrayal of exhaustion, desperation, and hope.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The lines are impactful and reveal important information about the plot and characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents compelling characters with clear goals and conflicts. The emotional depth and vivid descriptions draw the reader or viewer into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of these scenes is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and building tension. The slower, more contemplative moments are balanced with moments of action and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of these scenes follows the expected format for their genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of these scenes follows the expected format for their genre. They introduce the settings, establish the characters' goals and conflicts, and provide a clear progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene in Rylie's Quarters - Lounge is visually descriptive and sets the tone for the opulence and grandeur of the setting. However, the dialogue between Arco and Nessa feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more natural and subtle ways of conveying their emotions and the importance of their upcoming mission.
  • The transition to Odisko's Apartment - Living Room is effective in contrasting the luxurious setting of Rylie's Quarters with the dark and messy state of Odisko's home. The visual description of the clutter and the use of dark shades to block out daylight effectively convey Odisko's emotional state and the neglect she has towards her surroundings.
  • The interaction between Denni and Odisko in the apartment is emotionally charged, but the dialogue could be more nuanced and reflective of their relationship. Denni's concern for Odisko is evident, but their dialogue could delve deeper into the reasons behind Odisko's emotional distress and Denni's role in supporting her.
  • The transition to the bathroom and the sonic shower scene is a powerful moment that allows Odisko to release her emotions and confront her pain. The description of the shower activating and the vibrations cascading over Odisko's body effectively convey the physical and emotional release she experiences.
  • The final line of dialogue, where Odisko expresses her fear that the man who harmed her also harmed her brother, is a poignant moment that adds depth to her character and raises questions about her past and the potential danger her brother may be in.
Suggestions
  • In the scene at Rylie's Quarters - Lounge, consider finding more subtle ways to convey Arco and Nessa's emotions and the importance of their mission. Show their fatigue and aged appearance through their actions and body language, rather than relying heavily on dialogue.
  • In Odisko's Apartment - Living Room, consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Denni and Odisko. Explore their history and the dynamics of their relationship to create a more layered and emotionally resonant scene.
  • In the bathroom scene, consider adding more sensory details to enhance the reader's experience of Odisko's emotional release. Describe the sound of the sonic shower and the physical sensations Odisko feels as she lets go of her pain.
  • Throughout the scene, consider incorporating more moments of introspection and reflection for Odisko. This will allow readers to connect more deeply with her character and understand the complexities of her emotional journey.
  • Consider exploring the theme of trauma and its impact on Odisko's relationships and actions in more depth. This will add depth and complexity to her character arc and create a more compelling narrative.



Scene 8 -  A Quest for Sentience and a Failed Stakeout
INT. EUGENIUS MECHANICAL - DAY
A cluttered repair shop, half-finished inventions fill the
towering metal shelves surrounding the space.
EUGENE(60), a quirky-looking man, short and stout, wearing
heavily stained coveralls. His glasses are tucked into his
massive, bushy afro. He sits at his workbench, tinkering with
a small cylindrical device about the size of a football.
Odisko enters the shop with a disingenuous smile on her face.
Eugene looks up from his project and brightens up with a
warm, infectious smile.
EUGENE
Where have you been? It's been
days.
Eugene gets up and walks over to Odisko to hug her.
He looks her in the eyes, and his look changes to concern.
EUGENE (CONT'D)
Want to talk about it?
Odisko rolls her eyes.
ODISKO
Not really.
Odisko sees the new invention and walks over to investigate.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
What are you building now?
Eugene returns to his workbench.
EUGENE
Changing the subject, okay, well,
I'm here if you need to talk.
(MORE)
41.
EUGENE (CONT'D)
(beat)
It's a portable forcefield
generator.
ODISKO
What for? You afraid the dome's
going to fail?
EUGENE
You never know.
Odisko scoffs.
ODISKO
I like the idea, but Appa, if it
ever did fail, we're doomed. I
doubt a mini-forcefield would do
much.

Eugene ignores the skepticism.
Odisko walks over to his computer and pulls up Holli's code.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
I need you to look at something.
Eugene gets up, walks to the computer, and notices the code.
EUGENE
What's wrong with Holli?
ODISKO
Hell, if I know. She told me I
needed rest and shut herself down,
leaving me stranded.
Eugene reads the code and chuckles.
EUGENE
It looks fine to me.
(beat)
Well, did you?
Odisko's tone turns aggressive.
ODISKO
That's not the point. I gave her an
order.
(beat)
And what's so damn funny?
Eugene puts his hand on Odisko's shoulder.
42.

EUGENE
Oh, child, it sounds to me like
she's growing up, becoming her own
person.
(beat)
After all, you made her sentient.
Odisko removes his hand.
ODISKO
So this is my fault?
EUGENE
It's like being a parent. Sure, I
helped make you, but I don't own
you. The hardest part of loving
someone is letting them become who
they are meant to be.
Odisko walks over to the workbench and inspects the device
more closely.
ODISKO
You're going to need to recalibrate
the conversion matrix if you want
to generate enough power. I had the
same issue with Holli's matrix.
(beat)
Need a hand?
Eugene walks over and hands Odisko a micro-calibrator, which
looks like a futuristic screwdriver.
Odisko immerses herself in her work but stops as tears roll
down her cheeks.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
I'm such an asshole. She was just
looking out for me, and I told her
I was going to reformat her.
Eugene hugs Odisko.
Odisko weeps harder and then looks into Eugene's eyes.
ODISKO (CONT'D)
I found the man who took Haji.
Eugene stands speechless, tears forming in his eyes.
EUGENE
And?
43.

ODISKO
He kidnapped the little boy we were
tracking, but when I found him, he
was being interrogated by two Halo
Corps operatives.
(beat)
They let him get away. He literally
disappeared, just like I told you
and Amma all those years ago.
Eugene hugs Odisko.
EUGENE
I never blamed you.
ODISKO
I know where to find him; I just
have to get Holli to forgive me.
Eugene smiles at Odisko.
EUGENE
You can start with an apology.
Odisko's eyes widen with inspiration.
ODISKO
I have a better idea, but I'm going
to need your brilliant mind.

INT. RYLIE'S QUARTERS - LOUNGE - NIGHT
Nessa at a lavish bar in the lounge.
Arco stands behind the bar and makes a martini for Nessa.
Arco serves the drink to Nessa.
ARCO RYLIE VI
There you are, my love. Vodka
Martini is extra dirty, like me,
with three olives.
Nessa picks up the glass, takes a sip, and gasps.
NESSA
Perfect, as always. I knew there
was a reason I loved you so much.
Arco pours himself a scotch.
They raise their glasses and cheers.
44.

ARCO RYLIE VI
To new adventures.
Nessa smiles.
Mirage enters the lounge.
Nessa sees him enter and lights up.
NESSA
Regan, my beautiful boy, come give
you're old mother a kiss.
Mirage, who goes by Regan when he's not working, walks over
to Nessa and kisses her cheek.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Old! Hardly, you're looking
flawless, as always.
NESSA
Stop, you flirt.
(beat)
Join us, we're celebrating.
Arco pours Mirage a scotch and hands him the glass.
MIRAGE/REGAN
What are we celebrating?
NESSA
Your father's ship, of course. We
launch in two weeks.
ARCO RYLIE VI
We're forming the core tomorrow.
Mirage raises his brow.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Wow, I didn't think it would happen
so fast. They just finished it.
ARCO RYLIE VI
We have a viable launch window that
we can't miss or we risk losing
everything when the asteroid
arrives.
Mirage finishes his drink.
MIRAGE/REGAN
I should go get ready for another
long night.
45.

Nessa frowns.
NESSA
Stay a bit longer; it has been days
since I've seen you.
Mirage walks to the bar and takes a seat next to Nessa.
ARCO RYLIE VI
I'm keeping him busy.
(beat)
How's the stakeout going?
MIRAGE/REGAN
Not great. We've been watching that
pub and fending off the giant rats
for the last four nights, but they
haven't shown up.
(beat)
It may be a lost cause.
ARCO RYLIE VI
Nonsense, Arny is the key to
finding them. It just requires a
little patients.
MIRAGE/REGAN
Well, we're going back this
evening; maybe we'll get lucky.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Eugene is approached by Odisko, who seeks his help with Holli's code and discusses her sentience. They also delve into Odisko's guilt for wanting to reformat Holli. Odisko reveals she has found the man who took Haji, and Eugene offers his assistance. They devise a plan and Odisko departs. The scene then shifts to Nessa, Arco, and Mirage celebrating the launch of Arco's ship. However, Mirage reveals that their stakeout for Arny has been unsuccessful. They discuss the significance of finding Arny and the importance of their mission.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Revelations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters, introduces new elements to the story, and moves the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a portable forcefield generator adds an interesting technological element to the story. The scene also explores the consequences of creating a sentient AI.

Plot: 8

The scene reveals important information about the man who took Haji and sets up a mission for Odisko. It also deepens the relationship between Eugene and Odisko.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into the complex emotions and conflicts of Eugene and Odisko. It shows their growth and development as characters.

Character Changes: 8

Odisko realizes her mistake and seeks forgiveness. Eugene shows growth by offering support and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek comfort and support from Eugene after a difficult experience. This reflects Odisko's deeper need for emotional connection and understanding.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to seek Eugene's help in fixing Holli, a character mentioned in the dialogue. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of repairing Holli and the circumstances Odisko is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a conflict between Odisko and Holli, as well as Odisko's internal conflict about her actions. The conflict between Eugene and Odisko is resolved.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there is a potential conflict with Holli and the man who took Haji, it is not fully developed in this scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the revelation of the man who took Haji and the need to find him.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and setting up a mission for Odisko.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a potential conflict with Holli and hints at a larger mystery surrounding the man who took Haji. The audience is left wondering how these storylines will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' interactions and reveals important revelations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters. It also reveals important information about the plot.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it explores the emotional dynamics between the characters and introduces a potential conflict with Holli. The dialogue and character interactions create a sense of intrigue and emotional investment.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of emotional depth and reflection, while also maintaining a sense of forward momentum through the characters' goals and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and their goals, and progresses the narrative through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong introduction of Eugene and his quirky appearance, which helps establish his character. However, the description of Odisko's disingenuous smile feels a bit vague and could be more specific in conveying her emotions.
  • The dialogue between Eugene and Odisko is well-written and reveals their relationship and concerns. However, the transition from discussing the forcefield generator to Holli's code feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The emotional moments in the scene, such as Odisko's tears and confession about finding the man who took Haji, are powerful and evoke empathy. However, the pacing of these moments could be improved to allow the emotions to fully sink in.
  • The dialogue between Eugene and Odisko about Holli's sentience and Odisko's guilt is thought-provoking and adds depth to their characters. However, the conversation could benefit from more exploration of the ethical implications of creating sentient AI.
  • The ending of the scene, with Odisko's inspiration and request for Eugene's help, sets up anticipation for the next scene and leaves the reader wanting to know more.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific details to Odisko's disingenuous smile to better convey her emotions in that moment.
  • Smooth out the transition between discussing the forcefield generator and Holli's code to create a more seamless flow.
  • Adjust the pacing of the emotional moments to allow the impact to fully resonate with the reader.
  • Expand on the ethical implications of creating sentient AI in the dialogue between Eugene and Odisko to deepen the philosophical themes of the story.
  • Consider adding a bit more context or foreshadowing to Odisko's inspiration and request for Eugene's help to create a stronger sense of anticipation and curiosity.



Scene 9 -  Reconciliation and Anticipation
INT. ODISKO'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Odisko opens the door to her apartment. Denni surprises her
with a passionate kiss that holds the desire for something
more.
Odisko pulls away.
DENNI
Not feeling it?
Odisko looks away.
ODISKO
Sorry, I just have-
DENNI
Don't apologize, I get it. Is
Amnesia going out tonight?
ODISKO
I've got to fix things with Holli
first.
46.

Odisko heads to her computer and sits in front of it.
DENNI
I'm going to go and let you do your
thing.
ODISKO
Thanks, babe, and thanks for
earlier. I needed a kick in the
ass.
Denni walks over and kisses Odisko.
DENNI
Empath, I could feel how lost you
were.
Denni turns to leave.
DENNI (CONT'D)
Do me a favor. Don't do the balcony
thing, it's freaking scary.
Odisko smiles and squints her eyes.
Odisko pulls up Holli's code and remotely uploads it back
into the Hovervette.
Odisko turns to Denni as they are walking out the door.
ODISKO
Love you.
DENNI
Obviously!
Denni exits.
Odisko activates her wrist cuff and calls Holli.

EXT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
The interior of the Hovervette has no signs of life, and then
a light illuminates on the dash. A second later the main
display terminal comes alive and casts a warm hue in the car.
Holli's code fills the screen.
Once the code uploads, the Hovervette's internal systems
activate, and the dash comes alive with blinking lights.
Holli materializes in the driver's seat.
Holli looks around and realizes she's alone.
47.

The communications model lights up and reads an incoming call
from Odisko Jones.
Holli answers the call, and Odsiko appears on the screen.
Holli doesn't greet her.
ODISKO
Hey.
HOLLI
I've been offline for over five
days.
ODISKO
We need to talk. Can you come get
me, please?
HOLLI
Yes, master. Setting a course, I
will arrive in nine minutes and
twenty-one seconds.
Holli ends the call.

EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - NIGHT
The IRMA appears behind Heff's pub, a dark, gloomy lot
perfect for concealing their arrival.
FADE
I thought you were going to tell
your Dad this is a bust.
MIRAGE/REGAN
This is what's happening, so you're
going to have to deal with it.
Fade rolls his eyes.
FADE
I still think we should capture a
kid and set a trap. Plus, we have
another asset; it'd be a win-win.
Don't you think?
MIRAGE/REGAN
I think it's moot. We have our
orders. Quit your griping, or I'll
make you stand outside with the
rats.
48.

EXT. HALO CITY - NIGHT
The Hovervette zips through the city. It vibrates from the
ghost drive and passes through oncoming traffic as if it
wasn't there. It reaches Odisko's tower, pulls a hard,
ninety-degree turn, and flies straight up the side.
The convertible roof retracts as it nears the balcony.

EXT. ODISKO'S APARTMENT - BALCONY - DAY
A balcony on the two hundred and fiftieth floor that
overlooks the city. Odisko paces back and forth, biting her
fingernail and muttering to herself.
The Hovervette arrives at the apartment and hovers next to
the balcony.
Odsiko turns and sees Holli waiting for her with a cold,
expressionless face.
Odisko vaults over the balcony half-wall, activates her
disguise in midair, and transforms into Amnesia.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Amnesia lands in the passenger's seat with style and grace.
She looks at Holli and tries to break the ice.
AMNESIA
Can you please take me to Heff's
Pub in Dead Vegas? Mama needs a
cocktail.
HOLLI
Yes, master. Setting a course, we
will arrive in thirteen minutes and
nine seconds.
Awkward silence looms in the Hovervette.
Amnesia stares out the window, watching the city pass by. She
speaks to Holli with a humble voice.
AMNESIA
Hey, Holli?
Holli doesn't respond.
AMNESIA (CONT'D)
I'm sorry I was such an asshole to
you.
(MORE)
49.
AMNESIA (CONT'D)
You were totally right; I was
traumatized. Hell, I still am, but
I took it out on you and said a lot
of stuff I regret.
Amnesia hands Holli a wrist cuff.
AMNESIA (CONT'D)
Here.
Holli takes the device and scans it.
HOLLI
I see you've improved on your
original design. It has an infinite
power supply and adjustable image
inducers.
Holli hands it back.
HOLLI (CONT'D)
You must be very proud of yourself.
Amnesia hands it back to Holli.
AMNESIA
It's for you.
Holli takes the wrist cuff and looks at Amnesia, speechless.
AMNESIA (CONT'D)
I forgot that you're a person,
well, you know what I mean. I made
you, and you're the coolest thing
I've ever done, but I don't own
you. You're my best friend.
(beat)
Now, you can activate yourself
whenever you want and go anywhere.
Just be who you're meant to be.
Holli puts on the wrist cuff and uploads herself to it.
Holli looks at Amnesia and smiles.
HOLLI
I'm going to need my own apartment.
Amnesia laughs.
AMNESIA
Don't expect to start getting paid.
50.

EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - NIGHT
Lurking in the shadows, Fade and Mirage wait. They're growing
tired of waiting.
FADE
I need a drink. Maybe we should go
into the pub and grab a drink.
Mirage looks at Fade with disbelief.
MIRAGE/REGAN
You can't be serious. I already
told my father that this is a waste
of time.
(beat)
I was quite insistent.
FADE
Of course not, but how much longer
are we just going to sit here?
The Hovervette swoops down from the sky and parks in plain
view. A moment later, a shimmering ripple of light
encapsulates it, and it disappears.
Mirage takes a step out of the shadows, but Fade pulls him
back.
FADE (CONT'D)
Patience, let's wait for the right
moment. Our best chance is to get
them off guard.
(beat)
I have a little surprise for that
holographic bitch.
They crouch down and continue to wait.

INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
Odisko and Holli sit in the cloaked Hovervette, watching the
front door to the pub.
AMNESIA
What time is it?
HOLLI
Almost midnight.
(beat)
Are you sure about this place?
51.

AMNESIA
It's our best lead. We just have to
be patient.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Odisko is surprised by Denni with a passionate kiss but pulls away, realizing she needs to fix things with Holli first. She remotely uploads Holli's code back into the Hovervette and calls Holli to come get her. Holli's code fills the screen in the Hovervette, and she agrees to pick up Odisko. Fade and Mirage discuss their mission in Dead Vegas. The Hovervette arrives at Odisko's apartment, where she transforms into Amnesia and apologizes to Holli, giving her a wrist cuff. Holli uploads herself to the cuff, and they discuss getting their own apartment. The scene ends with the Hovervette parked outside Heff's Pub in Dead Vegas, Fade and Mirage waiting in the shadows.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character growth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Innovative technology
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters and introduces important plot developments. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the growth and change in Odisko and Holli's relationship. The scene also introduces innovative technology and sets up future conflicts.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a wrist cuff with advanced features adds depth to the world-building and showcases the technological advancements in the story. The scene also explores the concept of redemption and forgiveness.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses as Odisko and Holli reconcile and prepare to confront a potential threat at Heff's Pub. The scene sets up future conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and advanced technology are common in science fiction, the specific situations and character dynamics are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Odisko and Holli are well-developed and their growth and change are evident in this scene. Odisko shows remorse and apologizes to Holli, while Holli demonstrates forgiveness and understanding. Their relationship is complex and engaging.

    Character Changes: 9

    Both Odisko and Holli undergo significant character changes in this scene. Odisko realizes her mistakes and seeks redemption, while Holli demonstrates forgiveness and understanding.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to fix things with Holli, which reflects her desire for reconciliation and resolution.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go to Heff's Pub in Dead Vegas, which reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in their mission.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Odisko grapples with her past actions and seeks forgiveness from Holli. There is also a hint of external conflict as they prepare to confront a potential threat at Heff's Pub.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and conflicts from both internal and external sources. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as Odisko and Holli prepare to confront a potential threat at Heff's Pub. The outcome of this confrontation could have significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by reconciling Odisko and Holli and setting up the confrontation at Heff's Pub. It also introduces important plot developments, such as the advanced technology and the complexity of the characters' relationships.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is unsure of how the conflicts and challenges will be resolved.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including passion, remorse, and forgiveness. The growth and change in the characters' relationship elicit an emotional response from the audience.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters. It reveals their growth, conflicts, and the evolving dynamics of their relationship.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces tension and conflict between the characters, raises questions about their motivations and goals, and leaves the audience wanting to know what will happen next.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of this scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of actions contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with a location description, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a transition to the next location.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a passionate kiss between Odisko and Denni, but it feels abrupt and out of place. There is no build-up or context for this sudden display of affection.
    • The dialogue between Odisko and Denni lacks depth and emotional resonance. It feels superficial and doesn't reveal much about their relationship or inner thoughts.
    • The transition from the kiss to Odisko fixing things with Holli feels disjointed and rushed. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer explanation of why Odisko needs to fix things with Holli before going out.
    • The dialogue between Odisko and Denni lacks subtlety and nuance. It would be more effective to show their emotions through actions and gestures rather than relying solely on dialogue.
    • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the setting and characters' actions.
    • The dialogue between Holli and Odisko in the Hovervette feels stilted and lacks emotional depth. It would benefit from more authentic and meaningful exchanges between the two characters.
    • The transition from the Hovervette to Dead Vegas feels abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide more context and establish the location before introducing Fade and Mirage.
    • The dialogue between Fade and Mirage lacks tension and conflict. It feels like a casual conversation rather than a high-stakes mission discussion.
    • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the setting and characters' actions.
    • The dialogue between Amnesia and Holli in the Hovervette feels forced and lacks authenticity. It would benefit from more natural and organic exchanges between the two characters.
    • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose and direction. It feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a cohesive narrative.
    • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development. It feels superficial and doesn't delve into the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.
    Suggestions
    • Consider reworking the opening of the scene to provide more context and build-up to the passionate kiss between Odisko and Denni.
    • Develop the dialogue between Odisko and Denni to reveal more about their relationship and inner thoughts. Show their emotions through actions and gestures rather than relying solely on dialogue.
    • Smooth out the transition from the kiss to Odisko fixing things with Holli. Provide a clearer explanation of why Odisko needs to fix things with Holli before going out.
    • Enhance the dialogue between Holli and Odisko in the Hovervette to add emotional depth and authenticity. Show their connection and bond through meaningful exchanges.
    • Improve the transition from the Hovervette to Dead Vegas by providing more context and establishing the location before introducing Fade and Mirage.
    • Add tension and conflict to the dialogue between Fade and Mirage. Make their mission discussion more high-stakes and impactful.
    • Include more visual descriptions and details to help the reader visualize the setting and characters' actions.
    • Refine the dialogue between Amnesia and Holli in the Hovervette to make it more natural and authentic. Show their growth and understanding through organic exchanges.
    • Clarify the purpose and direction of the scene. Ensure that each event and interaction serves a clear narrative purpose and contributes to character development.
    • Deepen the emotional depth and character development in the scene. Explore the characters' inner thoughts, motivations, and conflicts to create a more engaging and resonant scene.



    Scene 10 -  A Night at Heff's Pub
    INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
    Eugene finishes the calibration on his force field generator,
    puts the outer housing back on, and activates the device—a
    small energy field forms around it.
    EUGENE
    Dammit!
    Eugene slams the calibrater onto his workbench and
    deactivates the generator.
    Eugene receives a call on the communications terminal. He
    walks over to the terminal to answer the call. His wife,
    Karma, appears on the screen, wearing a hijab and a gold and
    red sari. She looks annoyed.
    EUGENE (CONT'D)
    Hello, my Queen.
    KARMA
    That's not going to cut it.
    (beat)
    It's one o'clock in the morning. Do
    you plan on coming home?
    EUGENE
    I've almost got it. I just need to
    make a few more adjustments.
    KARMA
    Have you even eaten today?
    Eugene holds a telling silence.
    KARMA (CONT'D)
    What about your blood sugar?
    (beat)
    I doubt you can even concentrate.
    You know how you get. Do I need to
    come down there and drag you home
    by your ear?
    Eugene drops his head and speaks with a submissive voice.
    EUGENE
    I'm on my way.
    52.

    INT. HOVERVETTE - NIGHT
    Amnesia sits and plays a holographic game of chess with
    Holli.
    HOLLI
    Checkmate.
    AMNESIA
    That's three in a row. What was I
    thinking? Like, I'm ever going to
    beat a quantum computer.
    HOLLI
    You made me. Am I supposed to let
    you win?
    Amnesia laughs. From the window, she sees the front door to
    the pub miraculously open on its own.
    AMNESIA
    Did you see that?
    (beat)
    It's go time.
    Amnesia and Holli exit the Hovervette.

    EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - NIGHT
    Amnesia and Holli cross the lot and enter the pub.
    Fade sees Amnesia and Holli walk into the pub.
    FADE
    Wait here.
    Fade scurries over to a small window at the back of the pub
    and wipes a small peephole in the grime to spy on Amnesia and
    Holli.

    INT. HEFF'S PUB - NIGHT
    A run-down pub with random mismatched tables. A room of
    rough, haggard-looking patrons fills the place. Amnesia and
    Holli enter, looking like forces of nature. The pub falls
    silent; all eyes are on them.
    Amnesia crosses the room and heads straight for the bar.
    Standing at the bar, the pub's owner, HEFF(55), a tall, burly
    man with a bushy beard, bright pink curls, and metallic
    silver eyeshadow, greets her with a smile and a nod.
    53.

    Holli holds back, her eyes glowing, ready to strike down any
    would-be attackers.
    AMNESIA
    Love the look; you're gorgeous.
    HEFF
    And look at you miss thing. Love
    your, everything. Gawd, I wish I
    could pull off a catsuit, but curse
    these hips.
    They share a laugh.
    AMNESIA
    Red devil, straight up.
    Heff raises his brow.
    HEFF
    Are you sure? That's my strongest
    shit.
    Amnesia smiles.
    Heff takes a dirty glass, wipes it with his dirty apron, and
    then reaches for a bottle of blood-red liquor.
    Heff pours the liquor into the glass and sets it aflame.
    Amnesia picks up the drink, blows out the flame, slams the
    drink in one gulp, and then blows a puff of smoke in Heff's
    face.
    HEFF (CONT'D)
    Damn, woman, smack my ass and color
    me impressed.
    Amnesia leans in and whispers.
    AMNESIA
    I'm looking for a pig named Arny.
    HEFF
    Yeah, I know him, he's right-
    Heff turns behind him to find an empty chair.
    HEFF (CONT'D)
    There.
    (beat)
    He's always doing that.
    Amnesia looks at Holli.
    54.

    HOLLI
    I'm already on it.
    Holli takes aim with her laser eyes.
    Heff shouts out to her.
    HEFF
    Please don't burn my bar down.
    Holli picks up a beer mug and hurls it across the bar. It
    hits invisible Arny in the head, sending him crashing to the
    floor, making him visible.
    Amnesia and Holli walk over to him.

    EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - NIGHT
    Fade spies through the window, watching with widened eyes.
    Mirage shouts over with a hushed voice.
    MIRAGE/REGAN
    What's happening?
    Fade shushes him and signals him to stay hidden.
    MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
    Don't shush me, or I'll make you
    think your skin is peeling off.
    (beat)
    I'm coming over.
    Mirage runs over to Fade and takes a turn peeking through the
    window.

    INT. HEFF'S PUB - NIGHT
    Amnesia stands over Arny, a formidable force.
    Holli guards Amnesia's back.
    Arny recoils, filled with terror.
    AMNESIA
    Why so scared?
    ARNY
    A sexy superhero looking for me
    can't be good.
    Amnesia smirks, and then crouches down to Arny's level.
    55.

    AMNESIA
    Well, you're right about the sexy
    part, but Piglet, I'm no hero.
    Amnesia grabs Arny's face. Her eyes glow with fierce
    intensity.
    PUSH INTO ARNY'S MIND

    INT. ARNY'S MIND - NIGHT
    Arny's mind is a dark, empty room, with a single lightbulb
    dangling from the ceiling that flickers, casting ominous-
    looking shadows and reflecting off pieces of shattered
    mirrors covering the floor. The sound of rats squeaking,
    their red, demonic eyes watch Amnesia.
    Amnesia shudders as a chill runs down her spine.
    Amnesia reaches down, picks up a shard, and watches the
    memory.

    EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT - MEMORY
    We're in a memory; the images are orange and grainy.
    A cluttered yard filled with scrap metal and random junk. A
    dilapidated shed sits at the back. A dim light fills the
    small window on the side.
    CHILD-ARNY(12), a portly boy with messy hair wearing ripped
    dirty clothes, creeps up to the shed and peeks through the
    window. He sees his father, TWITCH(60), a grey-haired man
    with a weathered face and missing teeth carving a human torso
    like it's a side of beef.
    Child-Arny lets out a loud gasp.
    Twitch hears the noise and looks up from his macabre task.
    Child-Arny ducks out of sight. He hears the shed door creek
    open.
    Child-Arny takes a deep breath and holds it in, trying to
    stay silent, and then he vanishes.
    Twitch exits the shed and looks around but sees nothing and
    re-enters the shed.
    Child-Arny lets his air out and reappears.
    Child-Arny looks amazed as he does it again and again.
    56.

    PULL OUT OF ARNY'S MIND

    INT. HEFF'S PUB - NIGHT
    Back in the physical world, the patrons of the bare watch in
    horror as Arny convulses and screams while blood drips from
    his ears.
    Amnesia presses on.
    PUSH INTO ARNY'S MIND

    INT. ARNY'S MIND - NIGHT
    Amnesia drops the shard.
    Amnesia closes her eyes and holds out her hand. A few moments
    later, a piece of mirror, buried under years of memories,
    floats to the surface.
    Amnesia grabs it from the air.

    EXT. HALO BOTANICAL GARDEN - DAY - MEMORY
    Amnesia opens her eyes and finds herself standing in the
    park, watching her younger self and Haji playing in the park.
    There's a massive explosion that sends the two children
    flying backward.
    Young Odisko runs over to the fountain and helps Haji.
    She sees Young Arny appear, throw her to the ground and
    vanish with Haji.
    Next, she sees Arny take Haji to a rendezvous with YOUNG
    FADE(20), looking fresh and professional.
    Young Arny gives Haji to Young Fade.
    Young Fade pays Young Arny and then walks away.
    PULL OUT OF ARNY'S MIND
    Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action"]

    Summary Eugene finishes calibrating his force field generator and agrees to go home after receiving a call from his annoyed wife Karma. Meanwhile, Amnesia and Holli play a holographic game of chess in their Hovervette. They decide to go to Heff's Pub where all eyes are on them. Amnesia talks to Heff, the pub's owner, about a man named Arny. Heff points to an empty chair where Arny usually sits. Holli throws a beer mug at Arny, making him visible, and they approach him. Fade and Mirage watch from outside the pub as Amnesia and Holli stand over Arny, ready to confront him.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intense action
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    • Strong character dynamics
    • Unique concept
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively combines intense action with suspense and dark humor. It introduces unique elements and explores the protagonist's powers and past. The dialogue is engaging and reveals character dynamics. The conflict and stakes are high, and the emotional impact is strong.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of a superhero protagonist with mind manipulation powers and a holographic game of chess adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The exploration of memories and the introduction of an invisible antagonist create suspense and mystery.

      Plot: 9

      The plot advances as the protagonist and her companion enter Heff's Pub to confront the antagonist. The scene reveals the protagonist's past and sets up a confrontation. The pacing is well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of futuristic technology and the diverse cultural elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their dynamics are established through dialogue and actions. The protagonist is strong, determined, and witty, while the antagonist is terrified and vulnerable. The supporting characters add depth and humor to the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      The protagonist undergoes a subtle change as she confronts her past and taps into her powers. She becomes more determined and focused on her mission. The antagonist experiences a significant change as his fear and vulnerability are exposed.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to complete his work and make the necessary adjustments to his generator. This reflects his desire to succeed in his work and his fear of failure or disappointing his wife.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go home and spend time with his wife. This reflects the immediate circumstance of it being late at night and his wife's annoyance with his absence.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict is intense and multi-layered. There is a physical confrontation between the protagonist and the antagonist, as well as a psychological battle within the protagonist's mind. The stakes are high, with the protagonist seeking answers and the antagonist fearing exposure.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate, as the protagonist faces resistance from his wife and the challenges of his work. The audience is unsure of how he will navigate these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the protagonist seeks answers about her past and confronts an invisible antagonist. There is a sense of danger and urgency, with the potential for dire consequences if the protagonist fails.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the protagonist's past and setting up a confrontation with the antagonist. It deepens the mystery and raises questions that propel the narrative.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the unexpected appearance of Amnesia and Holli in the pub, which disrupts the normal atmosphere and captures the attention of the other characters.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to humor and vulnerability. The exploration of the protagonist's traumatic memories adds depth and emotional resonance. The audience is invested in the characters and their journey.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals character traits and relationships. It effectively conveys the tone of the scene and adds humor and tension. The interactions between the characters are engaging and entertaining.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces tension and conflict through the protagonist's dedication to his work and his wife's frustration. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and anticipation.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension through the protagonist's actions and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Eugene finishing the calibration on his force field generator, but the purpose of this scene is unclear. It doesn't seem to contribute much to the overall story or character development.
      • The dialogue between Eugene and his wife Karma feels forced and lacks depth. Their conversation about Eugene working late and neglecting his health and well-being is a common trope and doesn't add anything new or interesting to the scene.
      • The transition from Eugene's workshop to the Hovervette feels abrupt and disjointed. There is no clear connection between the two settings or the actions of the characters.
      • The dialogue between Amnesia and Holli during their holographic chess game is somewhat engaging, but it doesn't provide any significant insight into their characters or advance the plot.
      • The introduction of Heff's Pub and the interaction between Amnesia, Holli, and Heff is intriguing, but it lacks depth and substance. The dialogue feels superficial and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their motivations.
      • The revelation of Arny's invisibility and the subsequent confrontation with Amnesia and Holli is the most interesting part of the scene. However, the transition from the pub to Arny's mind feels abrupt and confusing. The use of flashbacks and memories is not clearly established or executed.
      • The scene ends with Arny convulsing and screaming, which is a dramatic moment but lacks context and clarity. It's unclear what exactly is happening to him and why.
      • Overall, the scene lacks focus and cohesiveness. The various elements and characters introduced don't seem to connect or contribute to a larger narrative or character arc.
      Suggestions
      • Consider reevaluating the purpose of this scene and how it fits into the overall story. Is there a more compelling way to convey the necessary information or develop the characters?
      • Develop the dialogue between Eugene and Karma to add depth and complexity to their relationship. Explore their motivations and conflicts in a more nuanced way.
      • Smooth out the transitions between settings and characters to create a more seamless flow. Ensure that each scene and interaction serves a clear purpose and contributes to the overall narrative.
      • Explore the holographic chess game between Amnesia and Holli in more depth. Use it as an opportunity to reveal more about their personalities, dynamics, and motivations.
      • Deepen the interaction between Amnesia, Holli, and Heff at Heff's Pub. Add layers to their conversation and explore their respective backgrounds and motivations.
      • Refine the use of flashbacks and memories to make them clearer and more impactful. Establish a clear visual and narrative language for these transitions.
      • Provide more context and clarity to the final moments of the scene, where Arny convulses and screams. Make it clear what is happening to him and why it is significant.
      • Ensure that each element and character introduced in the scene serves a clear purpose and contributes to the larger narrative or character arcs.



      Scene 11 -  Attack and Revelation
      INT. HEFF'S PUB - NIGHT
      Amnesia release Arny.
      57.

      ARNY
      Oh, gawd, please stop. Just kill me
      already. I'm a monster; I deserve
      it.
      AMNESIA
      Oh, piglet, you don't get to die.
      (beat)
      You're going to live with what
      you've done.
      AMNESIA (CONT'D)
      I have a present from Devaun. These
      are for you.
      Amnesia grabs Arny's face again, and with glowing eyes, she
      implants Devaun's memories into Arny's mind.
      AMNESIA (CONT'D)
      FEEL IT!
      BEGIN SERIES OF SHOTS
      Anry in the parkade, taking Devaun.
      Devaun, whimpering in the back seat.
      Devaun crashes into the pavement.
      Devaun, recoiling from shooting a blast of energy from his
      hands.
      Arny stands over Devaun with a laser knife.
      Arny cutting off Devaun's leg.
      Arny roasting the leg over the fire.
      Arny throwing Devaun in the bus.
      Devaun, crying for his parents.
      END SERIES OF SHOTS
      Amnesia releases Arny.
      Arny babbles incoherently while sitting in a puddle of his
      own urine.
      Amnesia stands but loses her balance.
      AMNESIA (CONT'D)
      Wow, that one really took it out of
      me.
      58.

      The bar is silent, motionless.
      Amnesia turns to Heff.
      HEFF
      Well, that was...intense. Um, what
      am I supposed to do with him now?
      Amnesia and Holli head for the door.
      Amnesia looks back at Heff.
      AMNESIA
      Don't know. Throw him out with the
      trash.
      Amnesia and Holli exit the pub.

      EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - NIGHT
      Fade and Mirage retreat back into the shadows.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      What the hell did she do to him?
      FADE
      We're not going to take them one on
      one.
      Fade reaches into his pocket and produces two small metallic
      orbs about the size of marbles. He shakes them, and they
      begin to glow with a faint blue light.
      FADE (CONT'D)
      Here, take one. When I give the
      signal, throw it at the psychic.
      Mirage takes the orb and inspects it.
      FADE (CONT'D)
      It's an EMD, electro-magnetic
      disruptor.
      Mirage peeks around the corner of the building and sees
      Amnesia and Holli walking toward the invisible Hovervette.
      Mirage whispers to Fade.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      They're coming.
      Mirage motions to attack.
      59.

      Fade holds him back.
      FADE
      We've only got one shot at this; we
      need to pick our moment.
      They wait until Amnesia and Holli are almost at the
      Hovervette.
      Amnesia and Holli turn their backs to enter the Hovervette.
      Fade signals Mirage. The two operatives burst out from the
      shadows and hurl the EMDs at Amnesia and Holli.
      Holli, with lightning-fast reflexes, turns and fires a blast
      from her eyes but misses. The EMD hits her and fries her
      emitter.
      Holli dematerializes, and her emitter falls to the ground,
      landing in a mirky puddle.
      The other EMD hits Amnesia in the back, deactivating her
      disguise and reverting her to Odisko, no longer protected by
      her disguise's personal force field.
      Mirage charges at Odisko just as she turns around.
      Odisko tries to land a punch on the only exposed skin, his
      face, but Mirage manages to avoid her deadly, psychokinetic
      punch.
      Mirage lands a stiff kick to her gut and momentarily knocks
      the wind out of Odisko.
      Fade rushes over to assist Mirage.
      Mirage lunges at Odisko and throws a punch.
      Odisko dodges the punch and grabs Mirage's arm, flips him
      over her shoulder, and plants him on the ground with a thud.
      Mirage doesn't move.
      Odisko sees Fade approaching and spins with a roundhouse kick
      that sends Fade flying backward.
      Fade jumps up to his feet and plants them in a fighting
      stance.
      Patrons from the pub pour out of the club to watch the
      commotion unfold.
      Odisko and Fade pay them none.
      60.

      Odisko takes her stance, ready to pounce.
      Odisko yells at Fade.
      ODISKO
      I know it was you.
      Odisko charges at Fade.
      Fade crouches down and flips Odisko over his back.
      Odisko crashes to the ground but springs to her feet in one
      motion. She stands, ready for battle.
      ODISKO (CONT'D)
      What did you do to Haji?
      The rage in Fade's eyes turns remorseful.
      FADE
      My job.
      (beat)
      I don't want to fight you. If you
      come with me, all your questions
      will be answered.
      Odisko lets out a war cry, runs at Fade, and tackles him
      football-style.
      Fade gets knocked down.
      Odisko kneels on his chest.
      Odisko's eyes start to glow; she reaches down and grabs ahold
      of Fade's face.
      Mirage creeps up behind her and clubs her over the head with
      a steel pipe.
      Odisko drops like a corpse. Blood spews from the gash on the
      back of her head.
      Fade gets to his feet.
      FADE (CONT'D)
      I think you killed her.
      Mirage replies with a sarcastic, callous tone.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      OOPS! Father wants her alive.
      Mirage kneels down and puts his ear next to her nose.
      61.

      MIRAGE/REGAN (CONT'D)
      She's still breathing.
      (beat)
      We need to get her to The Orbitat;
      that's a lot of blood.
      They drag Odisko to the IRMA, throw her in the back, and get
      inside.
      The IRMA vanishes.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT
      A private infirmary room, void of any decor of personality.
      It has a bird's eye view of The Noah, the planet below and
      the massive energy dome protecting Halo City.
      Odisko lies alone, unconscious in a medical pod. Lights on
      monitors blink and beep. A regenerator ray repairs Odisko's
      fractured skull.

      INT. RYLIE'S QUARTERS - LOUNGE - NIGHT
      Mirage enters the lounge to find his parents sitting at the
      bar having drinks.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      You're up late.
      Arco gets up and walks over to Mirage, and hugs him.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      Well done, my boy; I'm proud of
      you.
      Mirage looks anything but proud.
      Nessa gulps down the last of her martini, clearly not her
      first.
      NESSA
      Why so glum?
      (beat)
      You got them.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      It was pretty bad.
      (beat)
      I don't know what her powers are, but what she did to Arny
      was brutal. She was about to do the same thing to Fade, so I
      clubbed her over the head.
      62.

      Nessa gasps.
      Arco pats Mirage on the back.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      You did what you had to. That's the
      job.
      (beat)
      And what of the hologram?
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      She was destroyed. It was
      unavoidable.

      EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - DAY
      The bright yellow sun casts its rays on the lot, illuminating
      the battleground of the night before. In the distance, the
      rhythmic sound of squeaking wheels gets louder as it gets
      closer to the lot.
      The old, homemade cart, filled with a life's possessions,
      appears, pushed by BHADA(60), a vagrant with jaundiced yellow
      eyes and open sores on her face and lips.
      Bhada enters the back lot. His keen eyes, trained from a life
      of scavenging, hone in on a blinking object sitting in the
      puddle.
      Bhada, with great effort, bends her rickety body down and
      retrieves the emitter. She realizes the blinking light is
      actually a button.
      Bhada presses the button, but nothing happens.
      Bhadaa puts the emitter in her cart.

      INT. HOVERVETTE - DAY
      The dash illuminates. The main terminal activates, and the
      words Holographic-Light-Interface backup protocols
      initialize. Lines of code fill the screen.

      EXT. DEAD-VEGAS - HEFF'S PUB - BACK LOT - DAY
      The Hovervette de-cloaks.
      Bhada jumps back from shock and knocks over her cart,
      spilling her possessions on the ground.
      Bhada ignores the mess and walks over to the Hovervette.
      63.

      Bhada cups her hands around her eyes and peers through the
      window.
      Bhada watches in amazement as Holli materializes in the
      driver's seat.
      Bhada steps back when the Hovervette's engines come to life,
      and the Hovervette lifts off the ground.
      Holli looks at Bhada and gives her a nod and a smile.
      The Hovervette takes off like a bullet.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In this intense and suspenseful scene, Amnesia releases Arny and implants Devaun's memories into his mind. Shots of Arny's past actions, including kidnapping Devaun, are shown. Amnesia and Holli leave the pub, while Fade and Mirage plan to attack them. They throw disruptors, disabling Holli's emitter and reverting Amnesia to Odisko. Mirage and Fade engage in a fight with Odisko, but Mirage is knocked out and Odisko is clubbed by Mirage. Thinking Odisko is dead, Mirage discovers she is still breathing and decides to take her to The Orbitat. The scene ends with Mirage telling his parents about the events and Bhada finding Holli in the Hovervette.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Revealing character moments
      • Engaging dialogue
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a mix of action and emotional moments. The use of unique elements like memory implantation and the holographic-light-interface adds intrigue and excitement to the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of implanting memories and the holographic-light-interface are innovative and add depth to the story. They create interesting possibilities for character development and plot twists.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and moves forward significantly in this scene. The revelation of Arny's actions and the confrontation between the characters create tension and propel the story forward.

      Originality: 7

      This scene has a moderate level of originality. While it includes familiar elements of dystopian futures and intense confrontations, it introduces unique technological aspects and explores the internal struggles of the protagonist in a fresh way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue reflect their personalities. The conflict between Odisko and Fade adds depth to their relationship and raises questions about their past.

      Character Changes: 8

      Arny experiences a significant change as he confronts the consequences of his actions. Odisko's true identity is revealed, leading to a potential change in her relationship with Fade.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront their guilt and come to terms with the consequences of their actions. They feel like a monster and believe they deserve punishment.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat the antagonist and protect themselves and their allies. It reflects the immediate challenge of the fight and the need to survive.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between Odisko, Fade, and Mirage is intense and physical. It raises the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the antagonist posing a significant threat to the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the fight will go and is kept on edge.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters confront the consequences of their actions and engage in a physical confrontation. The potential for character deaths and the revelation of Odisko's true identity raise the stakes even further.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing important information, raising new questions, and setting up future conflicts.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist's internal struggle and the introduction of new characters and conflicts.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief that they deserve punishment and the antagonist's belief in survival at any cost. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes strong emotions, especially during Arny's breakdown and the confrontation between Odisko and Fade. The remorseful tone adds depth to the emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The sarcastic and callous tone adds depth to the interactions.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it contains intense action, emotional conflict, and reveals important plot developments. The reader is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are well-paced, keeping the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Amnesia releasing Arny, who immediately expresses a desire to be killed. This dialogue feels a bit on the nose and could be more nuanced to reflect Arny's internal struggle and guilt.
      • The series of shots showing Arny's past actions is a powerful visual element, but it may be more effective to intersperse these shots throughout the dialogue and action, rather than presenting them all at once. This would create a more dynamic and engaging sequence.
      • The dialogue between Amnesia and Heff feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development. Heff's reaction to the intense situation could be explored further, adding depth to his character.
      • The transition from Heff's Pub to the back lot is abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a brief establishing shot or description to clarify the change in location.
      • The introduction of Fade and Mirage's plan to attack Amnesia and Holli feels a bit sudden and could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene to build tension and anticipation.
      • The fight between Odisko, Fade, and Mirage lacks clear choreography and could benefit from more detailed descriptions of the characters' movements and actions.
      • The resolution of the conflict between Odisko and Fade and Mirage is somewhat anticlimactic. Consider adding more stakes or consequences to make the outcome more impactful.
      • The scene ends with Mirage telling his parents about the events, but it is unclear what purpose this serves in the overall story. Consider revisiting this ending and finding a stronger way to conclude the scene.
      Suggestions
      • Refine Arny's dialogue to reflect his internal struggle and guilt more subtly.
      • Intersperse the series of shots showing Arny's past actions throughout the dialogue and action to create a more dynamic sequence.
      • Develop Heff's reaction to the intense situation and add depth to his character.
      • Smoothly transition from Heff's Pub to the back lot with an establishing shot or description.
      • Foreshadow Fade and Mirage's plan to attack Amnesia and Holli earlier in the scene to build tension.
      • Provide clearer choreography and descriptions of the characters' movements during the fight scene.
      • Add more stakes or consequences to the resolution of the conflict between Odisko and Fade and Mirage.
      • Consider revisiting the ending and finding a stronger way to conclude the scene.



      Scene 12 -  Ambush and Urgency
      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - DAY
      Karma enters the shop.
      Eugene tinkers with his invention and doesn't notice her.
      Karma walks up to Eugene and gets his attention with a kiss
      on his cheek.
      KARMA
      Okay, old man, come, it's time for
      lunch, remember?
      EUGENE
      I've almost got it; just a few more
      minutes.
      Karma takes the calibrator out of his hand and leads him to a
      table.
      KARMA
      Well, you're not going another day
      without eating. You know how you
      get.
      Karma walks over to the replicator, scrolls through several
      choices, and then replicates a sushi platter.
      Karma brings the platter to the table and sits down with
      Eugene. Just as they're about to eat, the communication
      terminal lights up with an incoming call.
      Eugene answers the call. Holli appears on the screen with
      terror in her eyes.
      EUGENE
      Holli, you look upset. I didn't
      think that was even possible.
      Karma rushes to the terminal.
      64.

      KARMA
      What's happened? Where's Odisko?
      HOLLI
      We were ambushed by two Halo
      operatives. I've been offline for
      five hours and thirty-nine seconds.
      (beat)
      Listen closely, I need your help.

      INT. THE NOAH - CORRIDOR - DAY
      A long, winding corridor with ambient lighting and carpeted
      floors. The large viewing ports spaced every few feet line
      the outer wall, displaying a close-up view of The Orbitat.
      Arco and his flight crew traverse the corridors, passing
      dozens of crew members hyper-focused on their jobs.
      As Arco walks past them, they all stand and salute him.
      Arco acknowledges each of them with a nod.
      Arco stops at a viewing port and gazes at The Orbitat.
      The flight crew stops and waits in silence.
      After a few moments, 1st OFFICER GRAHAM WITH(25), a tall,
      serious man with jade-green eyes, approaches him.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      Have you ever seen it from this
      side before?
      Arco turns to the 1st Officer with glossy eyes.
      1ST OFFICER WITH
      Is everything alright, Sir?
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      It's a monumental day.
      Arco continues down the corridor.
      The flight crew follows.
      They reach an atomizer bay, a larger version of the booths
      capable of transporting larger groups of people. The flight
      crew follows Arco into the atomizer and dematerializes.
      65.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - DAY
      A dark, round room with a massive window at the front that
      doubles as a view screen. In the center of the bridge, a
      large horseshoe-shaped console with various workstations.
      Behind the console sit two decadent, plush chairs reserved
      for the captain and the 1st officer.
      The flight crew steps out of the atomizer.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      Mr. With, let there be light.
      1st Officer With looks at Arco.
      1ST OFFICER WITH
      I think you should do the honors,
      Sir.
      (beat)
      Or should I say, captain?
      Arco looks at the 1st officer and smiles.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      Captain Rylie? I like it, it has a
      ring to it.
      (beat)
      Noah, give us some light.
      The ship answers with a male, pleasant-sounding voice.
      THE NOAH
      Certainly, Captain. Initializing
      auxiliary systems.
      The bridge comes alive with lights, so many lights.
      1ST OFFICER WITH
      Take your stations and begin final
      inspections.
      (beat)
      I want, we've still got to get it
      started.
      The crew gets somber looks on their faces.
      Captain Rylie sees the change from enthusiastic to fearful
      and addresses the crew.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      I know what you all must be feeling
      because I feel it, too.
      (MORE)
      66.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE (CONT'D)
      The tragedy that befell The Ark
      lingers in all our minds, but fear
      does not dictate our actions.
      (beat)
      We're about to embark on a grand
      adventure, and that begins today.
      The entire crew responds with "Aye, Captain as they head to
      their respective stations.

      NT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - DAY
      The Hovervette, vibrating in ghost mode, passes through the
      shop's bay doors and lands on a maglev.
      Holli sits in the vehicle.
      Karma rushes over to Holli and opens her arms to hug her.
      Holli stays seated.
      KARMA
      I'm so glad you're okay. Where's my
      daughter? Come, give me a hug.
      HOLLI
      I'm sorry, Karma, but without my
      emitter I am trapped in the
      Hovervette.
      Eugene comforts his wife.
      EUGENE
      My dear, calm yourself.
      KARMA
      How can I? What if she's hurt, or-
      HOLLI
      The last thing I remember is the
      operatives ambushing us; then I was
      deactivated.
      (beat)
      They must have taken her to The
      Orbitat.
      EUGENE
      She's in space?
      KARMA
      Oh, dear gawd!
      67.

      HOLLI
      I have a plan, but first I need a
      new emitter.
      Eugene runs over to the replicator.
      EUGENE
      They're so complex it's going to
      take another hour until they are
      finished printing.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRIVATE ROOM - DAY
      Odisko lies motionless in her medical pod. Suddenly, she
      opens her eyes and jolts up into a sitting position.
      Odisko holds her head and inspects the back, but the wound is
      gone.
      Odisko rubs her eyes to regain her focus.
      Odisko climbs out of the pod and collapses to the floor.
      Odisko crawls over to the window and gasps from what she
      sees.
      ODISKO
      Holy fuck! I'm in outer-fucking-
      space.

      INT. THE JEFFERSON - BRIDGE - DAY
      ENGINEER KATY WRIGHT(22), an eager woman with enthusiastic
      eyes, has her hands pressed on the screen of her terminal.
      They radiate a white glow as she psychically interfaces with
      the ship's systems.
      Engineer Wright removes her hands from the terminal and turns
      to address the captain.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Sir, All departments have completed
      the final inspections. This ship is
      ready for convergence.
      COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER AMANDA BARRY(21), a well-postured
      woman with a tight bun, sits at her station, overseeing all
      ship's communications. She addresses the captain in a
      confident voice.
      68.

      OFFICER BARRY
      Ship's comms are fully operational
      and preforming within specified
      parameters.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Mr. Butchart, where are we with
      navigation?
      NAVIGATION OFFICER SCOTT BUTCHART(26), a friendly man with a
      shaved head, sits at the ship's helm reading star charts.
      NAVIGATOR BUTCHART
      The navigational array is fully
      operational and interfaced with The
      Noah's core systems.
      SECURITY OFFICER MATT ANDERSON(25), an imposing figure who
      projects an air of confidence, inspects the ship's defenses.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON
      Everything seems in order. However,
      we won't have weapons until the
      core is established.
      Captain Rylie gets up from his chair and paces the deck.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Excellent work.
      (beat)
      Ms. Barry, open a channel. Patch me
      through to The Orbitat as well.
      Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

      Summary Karma enters Eugenious Mechanical and gets Eugene's attention. Holli appears on the screen with terror in her eyes, asking for help. Arco and his flight crew explore The Noah and gaze at The Orbitat. Holli is trapped in the Hovervette and Karma rushes to hug her, but Holli explains she needs her emitter. Odisko wakes up in a medical pod in The Orbitat, realizing she's in outer space. Eugene starts printing a new emitter. Captain Rylie praises the crew's work and prepares for convergence.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and urgency
      • Revealing character motivations and relationships
      • Engaging dialogue
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development in this specific scene

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes by introducing the threat to Odisko and the urgency to help. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. The scene also moves the story forward by setting up the mission to rescue Odisko.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a space mission to rescue a kidnapped character adds excitement and suspense to the story. The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and the characters' determination to overcome obstacles.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the characters receiving a distress call and formulating a plan to rescue Odisko. It introduces a new conflict and raises the tension in the story.

      Originality: 5

      This scene does not contain any particularly unique situations or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and consistent with the established world.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions. Holli is determined and resourceful, Karma is caring and concerned, Eugene is focused on his invention but still cares for his wife, and Odisko is shown to be resilient and brave.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does show the characters' determination and willingness to take action in the face of adversity.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to help Holli and ensure the safety of her daughter. This reflects her caring nature and her desire to protect her loved ones.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to assist Holli in finding her daughter and come up with a plan to rescue her. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the urgency of the situation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is high as the characters are faced with the threat of Odisko being kidnapped and the urgency to rescue her. The tension is further heightened by the limited time they have to act.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the characters are faced with a difficult situation and uncertain outcome.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as Odisko has been kidnapped and is in space. The characters' actions and decisions have significant consequences and the urgency to rescue Odisko adds to the high stakes.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting up the mission to rescue Odisko. It raises the stakes and increases the tension in the narrative.

      Unpredictability: 6

      This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a new problem for the characters to solve.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes emotions of concern, anxiety, and determination. The characters' reactions and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation.

      Engagement: 7

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a new challenge and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of dialogue and action lines.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with Karma entering the shop and trying to get Eugene's attention. However, the transition from Eugene tinkering with his invention to Karma getting his attention with a kiss on the cheek feels abrupt and could use some smoother pacing.
      • The dialogue between Karma and Eugene about lunch feels a bit forced and could be more natural. It would be helpful to establish their relationship and dynamics earlier in the screenplay to make this interaction more meaningful.
      • The introduction of the communication terminal and Holli's call interrupts the flow of the scene. It would be more effective to build up the tension and suspense before introducing this plot point.
      • The transition to The Noah and Arco's flight crew feels disjointed and lacks a clear connection to the previous scene. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger link between the two scenes to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • The dialogue between Arco and the 1st Officer about seeing The Orbitat from that side before feels a bit forced and could be more organic. It would be helpful to establish their relationship and the significance of this moment earlier in the screenplay.
      • The transition to The Noah's bridge is abrupt and lacks a smooth transition. It would be beneficial to establish a clearer connection between the previous scene and this one to create a more seamless flow.
      • The dialogue between Captain Rylie and the crew members on the bridge feels a bit generic and lacks depth. It would be more engaging to develop the characters and their relationships further to make this scene more impactful.
      • The transition back to Eugene's shop and the Hovervette feels sudden and could use a smoother transition. It would be helpful to establish a stronger link between the two scenes to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • The dialogue between Karma and Holli about being trapped in the Hovervette lacks emotional depth and could be more impactful. It would be beneficial to explore the characters' emotions and motivations further to make this scene more compelling.
      • The introduction of the plan and the need for a new emitter feels rushed and could use more development. It would be helpful to establish the stakes and consequences of this plan earlier in the screenplay to create a stronger sense of urgency.
      • The transition to The Orbitat and Odisko waking up in a medical pod feels abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the previous scene. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger link between the two scenes to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • The introduction of Engineer Katy Wright and the reports from the communications, navigation, and security officers feels disconnected from the previous scene. It would be more effective to establish a clearer connection between the two scenes to create a more seamless flow.
      • The dialogue between Captain Rylie and the crew members on The Jefferson's bridge lacks depth and could be more engaging. It would be beneficial to develop the characters and their relationships further to make this scene more impactful.
      Suggestions
      • Consider revising the pacing of the scene to create a smoother transition between Eugene tinkering with his invention and Karma getting his attention.
      • Develop the relationship between Karma and Eugene earlier in the screenplay to make their interaction more meaningful.
      • Build up the tension and suspense before introducing the communication terminal and Holli's call to create a more impactful moment.
      • Establish a stronger link between the scene at Eugene's shop and The Noah to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • Develop the relationship between Arco and the 1st Officer earlier in the screenplay to make their dialogue about The Orbitat more organic.
      • Create a smoother transition between The Noah and The Noah's bridge to maintain a seamless flow.
      • Further develop the characters and their relationships on The Noah's bridge to make the dialogue more engaging and impactful.
      • Establish a stronger link between the scene at Eugene's shop and the Hovervette to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • Explore the emotions and motivations of Karma and Holli further to make their dialogue about being trapped in the Hovervette more impactful.
      • Establish the stakes and consequences of the plan and the need for a new emitter earlier in the screenplay to create a stronger sense of urgency.
      • Establish a stronger link between the scene at The Orbitat and Odisko waking up in a medical pod to create a more cohesive narrative.
      • Create a clearer connection between the scene with Engineer Katy Wright and the reports from the communications, navigation, and security officers to maintain a seamless flow.
      • Further develop the characters and their relationships on The Jefferson's bridge to make the dialogue more engaging and impactful.



      Scene 13 -  The Convergence Crisis
      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRIVATE ROOM - DAY
      Odisko uses the wall to stand. With unstable legs, she walks
      to the door, but it's locked.
      Odisko notices a security camera in the ceiling and waves her
      arms at it.
      ODISKO
      Hello? Can anyone hear me?
      (beat)
      Some come in here and tell me what
      the hell is happening. I'm
      officially too freaked out to
      fight.
      Odisko gets startled when she hears Captain Rylie's voice
      over the P.A.
      69.

      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      (filtered)
      Greetings, my friends; this is
      Captain Rylie speaking. I want
      everyone to stop what they are
      doing.
      There's a long pause, captain clears his throat.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE (CONT'D)
      (filtered)
      We are about to initiate
      convergence and form our energy
      core. If I said I wasn't nervous,
      I'd be lying, but as I always say,
      fear does not dictate our actions.
      (beat)
      Our fantastic voyage to create a
      utopia on Darquita Prime begins
      today. As we move forward, we must
      never forget the sacrifice of The
      Ark and have faith that destiny is
      on our side.
      The message ends, leaving Odisko with a confused look about
      her.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - DAY
      The tension on the bridge is palpable.
      Captain Rylie takes his seat. As he grips the armrests of the
      chair, he issues his orders.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Noah, initiate convergence.
      THE NOAH
      Yes, Captain.
      (beat)
      Commencing convergence.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRIVATE ROOM - DAY
      Odisko hears a deafening blast of energy fire from the hull
      of The Noah. She staggers over to the window and sees an
      intensely bright beam of light travel down to the planet.
      70.

      INT. HALO CITY - ENERGY CORE CHAMBER - DAY
      A compact space with a computer terminal and several monitors
      displaying different readings from the core.
      Housed in a containment cell, a zero-point singularity, a
      source of limitless energy roughly the size of a baseball,
      pulsates with a radiant blue light.
      ENGINEER TIM TEUNIS(30), a dedicated man with piercing hazel
      eyes and short brown hair, wearing a Halo Corps uniform,
      monitors the core from his terminal.
      The convergence beam passes through solid matter and merges
      with the core. The core begins to pulsate faster as the blue
      energy travels up the beam.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - DAY
      The crew waits nervously as the energy transfer begins.
      THE NOAH
      Successful link to the singularity,
      energy transfer commencing.
      The loud hum from the convergence beam resonates on the
      bridge as it vibrates from the power transfer.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Transfer at three percent.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Ms. Wright, what is the estimated
      time to completion?
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Calculating the rate of the
      transfer.
      Engineer Wright's eyes twitch rapidly as she makes computer-
      fast calculations in her head. She replies moments later.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT (CONT'D)
      At our current rate, we will have a
      stable core in approximately forty-
      one minutes.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      I think we can do better than that.
      Increase beam intensity by fifty
      percent.
      Engineer Wright hesitates.
      71.

      Captain Rylie gets a commanding tone in his voice.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE (CONT'D)
      Is there a problem, Ms. Wright?
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      No sir, increasing beam intensity
      by fifty percent.

      INT. HALO CITY - ENERGY CORE CHAMBER - DAY
      Engineer Teunis monitors the transfer and gets a panicked
      look on his face when the intensity increases.
      The core changes from an ethereal blue to a dark reddish
      brown and begins to shake the entire room.
      Engineer Teunis activates his communications terminal.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - DAY
      Engineer Wright monitors the transfer.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Four minutes until completion.
      Officer Barry alerts the captain.
      OFFICER BARRY
      Sir, we have an incoming
      communication from the surface.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      On screen.
      On the giant screen, Engineer Teunis appears, larger than
      life with a distressed look.
      ENGINEER TEUNIS
      You need to cut the feed! The core
      is becoming unstable.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      It's almost done just a few more
      minutes.
      ENGINEER TEUNIS
      If you don't stop, you risk
      cracking the core containment cell.
      72.

      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      I said another minute.
      (beat)
      Ms. Barry, end transmission.
      The screen goes black.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRIVATE ROOM - DAY
      Odisko stares out her window and watches the convergence
      beam. She looks down at the dome, which has gotten dimmer.
      The woosh from the door to her room opening gets her
      attention.
      Odsiko turns around and sees COMMANDER ANASTASIA
      SRIBNAIA(23), a tall woman with long blonde hair pulled back
      and ice-blue eyes.
      Commander Sribnaia enters the room, and the door closes
      behind her.
      Odisko steadies her stance, ready for a fight.
      As Commander Sribnaia starts to speak, her eyes connect with
      Odisko's and glow with a bright blue aura. Her voice has an
      eerie, enchanting echo to it.
      COMMANDER SRIBNAIA
      I'm Commander Sribnaia; you have
      nothing to fear. You are safe.
      Odisko's demeanor softens. She lowers her hands and
      unclenches her fists.
      ODISKO
      I have nothing to fear.
      (beat)
      What did you do to me? I feel so-
      COMMANDER SRIBNAIA
      Calm? You feel what I feel.
      The commander walks further into the room.
      COMMANDER SRIBNAIA (CONT'D)
      Soon, all your questions will be
      answered.
      When the commander gets within arms reach, Odisko grabs her.
      ODISKO
      Cute trick.
      73.

      Odisko touches the commander's face and flexes her power.
      ODISKO (CONT'D)
      Sleep.
      The commander drops to the floor.
      Odisko searches her body and removes her wrist cuff.
      Odisko walks to the door, and with a wave of the cuff, the
      door opens, and Odisko escapes.

      INT. HALO CITY - ENERGY CORE CHAMBER - DAY
      The energy core, now black, vibrates with vicious intensity.
      Engineer Teunis sits at his terminal, trying to override the
      power transfer.
      A minute fissure appears in the core's containment cell,
      allowing a small burst of energy to escape.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - DAY
      The crew waits with bated breath for the countdown to
      complete. Engineer Wright turns to the captain, elated.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Sir, convergence is complete. We
      have a stable core.
      (beat)
      Terminating the convergence beam.
      The hum and vibrations stop.
      The crew erupts with cheers and applause.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Excellent work, everyone.
      (beat)
      Noah, transfer all systems to the
      core.
      Before The Noah can reply, Officer Barry addresses the
      captain.
      OFFICER BARRY
      I'm receiving a communication from
      the surface.
      Officer Barry drops her head, her tone distressed.
      74.

      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      On screen.
      Engineer Teunis appears on the view screen. In the
      background, red warning lights flash and alarms blare, making
      it hard to hear the Engineer.
      ENGINEER TEUNIS
      There's a fissure in the
      containment cell. If we don't
      repair it, a catastrophic explosion
      is imminent.
      Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In this scene, Odisko tries to call for help but finds the door locked. Captain Rylie announces the initiation of convergence and the start of their voyage. Odisko witnesses a bright beam of light traveling to the planet. In Halo City, Engineer Teunis monitors the energy core as the convergence beam merges with it. The crew on The Noah nervously waits for the energy transfer to complete. Captain Rylie orders an increase in beam intensity, risking the core's stability. Odisko is visited by Commander Sribnaia, who calms her using her powers. Odisko incapacitates the commander and escapes. The core in Halo City vibrates intensely, causing a fissure in the containment cell. The crew celebrates the successful convergence, but Officer Barry delivers a communication warning about the imminent explosion due to the unstable core.
      Strengths
      • Building tension
      • Conveying emotions
      • Introducing a unique character with mind-control abilities
      • Raising the stakes
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of the theme

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes by introducing the risk of a catastrophic explosion. The dialogue and actions of the characters convey their emotions and motivations clearly. The scene also introduces a unique element with the mind-control abilities of Commander Sribnaia.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of convergence and the energy core is intriguing and adds a sense of urgency to the story. The potential danger and the need for stability create suspense and drive the plot forward.

      Plot: 9

      The plot progresses significantly in this scene as the convergence is initiated and the core becomes unstable. The introduction of the fissure in the containment cell raises the stakes and creates a new obstacle for the characters to overcome.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and the concept of creating a utopia are familiar, the specific details and conflicts introduced are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' emotions and motivations are effectively conveyed through their dialogue and actions. Odisko's resourcefulness and quick thinking are showcased when she uses her power to incapacitate Commander Sribnaia.

      Character Changes: 7

      Odisko demonstrates her resourcefulness and quick thinking by incapacitating Commander Sribnaia. This showcases her growth and ability to adapt to challenging situations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is happening and to feel safe. This reflects her deeper need for security and her fear of the unknown.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the private room and find out what is happening on the spaceship and in Halo City. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being locked in a room and the challenge of navigating a potentially dangerous situation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, as the characters face the risk of a catastrophic explosion and must make decisions under pressure. The tension is further heightened by the introduction of the fissure in the containment cell.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces obstacles such as being locked in a room, the unstable energy core, and the mysterious Commander Sribnaia. The audience is unsure of how these obstacles will be overcome.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in this scene as the characters face the risk of a catastrophic explosion and must make critical decisions to prevent it.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the convergence, the unstable core, and the potential danger. It raises the stakes and creates a new obstacle for the characters to overcome.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and conflicts, such as the unstable energy core and the protagonist's encounter with Commander Sribnaia.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the belief in creating a utopia on Darquita Prime and the potential risks and sacrifices involved in achieving that goal. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values as she questions the actions being taken.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits a range of emotions from confusion and nervousness to distress and elation. The characters' reactions and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the urgency of the situation. The interaction between Odisko and Commander Sribnaia is particularly engaging.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the situation and the characters' motivations. The dialogue and action create a sense of tension and anticipation.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the action sequences create a sense of urgency and anticipation.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's goals, and builds tension through dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Odisko trying to leave the room but finding the door locked. This creates a sense of confinement and adds to the tension. However, the reason for the door being locked is not explained, which leaves the audience confused.
      • The dialogue between Odisko and Captain Rylie over the P.A. lacks clarity and purpose. It is not clear why Captain Rylie's message is included in this scene and how it relates to Odisko's situation.
      • The transition from The Orbitat to The Noah and then back to The Orbitat is abrupt and disjointed. It is not clear how these different locations are connected and why they are shown in this particular order.
      • The tension on the bridge of The Noah is mentioned, but it is not effectively conveyed to the audience. More visual cues and reactions from the crew members could help enhance the sense of tension.
      • The decision to increase the beam intensity by fifty percent is made without sufficient explanation or justification. The potential consequences of this decision are not adequately explored, which weakens the conflict and suspense.
      • The communication from Engineer Teunis warning about the unstable core is not given enough weight or urgency. The reaction of Captain Rylie and the crew is also lacking in intensity and urgency.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Officer Barry informing Captain Rylie about the communication from the surface. There is no resolution or sense of closure to the conflict introduced in this scene.
      Suggestions
      • Provide a clear reason for the door being locked and create a sense of urgency and danger for Odisko.
      • Reconsider the inclusion of Captain Rylie's message and ensure that it serves a clear purpose in the scene.
      • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and provide clearer connections between them.
      • Enhance the portrayal of tension on the bridge of The Noah through visual cues and reactions from the crew members.
      • Provide more explanation and justification for the decision to increase the beam intensity, and explore the potential consequences in more detail.
      • Amplify the urgency and intensity of Engineer Teunis' warning about the unstable core, and show a stronger reaction from Captain Rylie and the crew.
      • Add a resolution or sense of closure to the conflict introduced in this scene, or set up a continuation of the conflict in the next scene.



      Scene 14 -  Ravaged City and Deadly Mind Games
      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - DAY
      Holli, now out of the Hovervette, scans Eugene's force field
      generator.
      HOLLI
      Your design is sound. However, it
      requires several adjustments to the
      conversion matrix that are beyond
      your comprehension.
      Eugene's eyes widen.
      EUGENE
      I may not be a quantum computer,
      but I still know how not to be a
      dick.
      Holli processes Eugene's words.
      HOLLI
      I can see how pointing out
      inferiorities can seem offensive. I
      apologize.
      Holli borrows the micro-calibrator and makes several
      adjustments to the device in mere seconds.
      Holli puts the outer casing back on the generator.
      Before Eugene can activate it, the power goes out.
      Holli emits light from her entire body and illuminates the
      shop.
      KARMA
      That's a neat trick.
      Screams and loud crashes can be heard outside the shop.
      75.

      Holli runs to the exit and goes outside to investigate.

      EXT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
      Holli steps out of the shop to witness the worst. The dome
      has failed. Without the dome's protection, Halo City gets
      ravaged by a superstorm. Corrosive rain and hurricane-force
      wind gusts wreak havoc on the defenseless city.
      Flying pods rain down from above, impacting towers and
      sending building debris plummeting to the surface. The
      blackened sky glows red, with fires erupting everywhere.
      A few deadly seconds later, the dome reappears, but the
      damage is done. Halo City looks like a war zone. Bodies,
      fallen pods, and building debris litter the once-pristine
      city.
      Holli hears a loud crash from inside the shop.
      Holli runs back inside.

      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
      Holli enters the shop to find Eugene trapped under a large
      metal shelf.
      Karma tries to lift the shelf, but it's too heavy.
      Karma cries out in a panic.
      KARMA
      Holli, come quickly.
      Holli rushes to Eugene's aid and lifts the shelf with ease.
      Karma pulls Eugene to safety.
      HOLLI
      Eugene, are you injured?
      Karma helps Eugene to a chair.
      EUGENE
      I think I'm okay, just a little
      scared.
      (beat)
      And Holli, call me Appa.
      Holli walks to the Hovervette.
      76.

      HOLLI
      Turn on your force field generator,
      and stay inside. I have to go.
      Odisko needs me.
      KARMA
      Oh goodness, Denni. We have to get
      to Denni.
      Holli gets in the Hovervette and starts the engines. It lifts
      off the maglev.
      HOLLI
      As soon as I get to the Halo
      facility, I'll send the Hovervette
      back to you so you can rescue
      Denni.
      (beat)
      I will arrive in eight minutes and
      forty-four seconds.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
      The corridors of The Orbitat are vacant as Odisko creeps
      through the maze of winding halls.
      Odisko rounds a corner and sees The Hessa Rylie Children's
      Center with an unguarded entrance.
      Odisko prowls like a cat, avoiding detection by the few crew
      members she sees.
      Odisko enters the Children's Center undetected.

      INT. NESSA RYLIE CHILDREN'S CENTER - NIGHT
      Odisko crouches behind a towering golden statue of Nessa
      Rylie.
      Odisko watches Nessa speaking with a teacher who is holding a
      young boy's hand.
      Odisko watches as Nessa takes the boy and sits him in a chair
      outside her office.
      Odsiko waits for Nessa to enter her office and then creeps up
      the stairs leading to Nessa's office.
      Odisko sees the little boy up close. He has blank,
      expressionless eyes. He doesn't move or even blink.
      Odisko crouches down.
      77.

      ODISKO
      You poor thing. What did they do to
      you?
      Odisko touches the boy's cheek and flexes her power. A moment
      later, she releases him with a look of patty.
      Odisko looks through the window to Nessa's office, leaves the
      broken boy, and charges into the office.

      EXT. HALO FACTORY - NIGHT
      The Hovervette flies over a Halo factory where several cargo
      freighters are being loaded with crates full of supplies.
      The Hovervette lands in a shadow-covered corner.
      Holli steps out of the Hovervette.
      Holli programs the Hovervette to return to Eugenious
      Mechanical. The Hovervette lifts off and begins to vibrate in
      ghost mode, then takes off.
      Holli walks up the locked gate to the facility and hacks the
      lock in a matter of seconds.
      Holli sees a guard walking the perimeter; when he passes by
      her, Holli grabs him, knocks him out, and carries his body
      into the shadows.
      Holli adjusts her image inducer and transforms into the
      guard, OLLEY WHEAT(21), a building of a man with Brod
      shoulders and menacing eyes.
      Holli, disguised as a guard, enters the facility and boards a
      cargo freighter.

      INT. NESSA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
      Nessa's office, an extremely organized space. A large neo-
      modern desk decorated with photos of her family. Classic
      works of art from the old world hang on the walls.
      Odisko charges in with a vengeance to find Nessa sitting
      behind her desk.
      Nessa doesn't react to Odisko's presence with fear or
      surprise.
      NESSA
      Oh, good, you're awake.
      78.

      Odisko grabs Nessa by the throat when she sees a family
      portrait of Nessa, Arco, and little eight-year-old Haji.
      Nessa's calm demeanor changes to fear as she gasps for
      breath.
      ODISKO
      I don't have time for pleasantries.
      Odisko flexes her power, and with a rush of purple light, she
      enters Nessa's mind.

      EXT. FIELD OF WILDFLOWERS - DAY
      Odisko opens her eyes and finds herself in a bright, sun-
      soaked field of wildflowers bathed in warm, nourishing light.
      Odisko sits, closes her eyes, and meditates as she calls to
      the memory she needs to see.

      INT. NESSA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
      Nessa lies on the floor, trapped in Odisko's death grip. She
      convulses, with blood seeping from her eyes. Her screams are
      heartbreaking.

      EXT. FIELD OF WILDFLOWERS - DAY
      A single flower floats through the air, lands in Odisko's
      waiting palm, and transports her into the memory.
      BEGIN FLASHBACK

      INT. MEDICAL BAY - NIGHT - MEMORY
      The images are orange and grainy.
      A bright, cheerful room. Pictures of children's art hang on
      the walls.
      Arco and Nessa, looking exactly the same, stand over a
      medical pod and comfort their sickly child, who struggles to
      breathe.
      NESSA
      We're losing him.
      (beat)
      Where is he?
      79.

      ARCO RYLIE VI
      Just hold on, my boy; soon, you'll
      be all better.
      (beat)
      He'll be here.
      Fade enters, holding Haji's hand.
      A terrified Haji pulls to try and break free but to no avail.
      Nessa snaps at Fade.
      NESSA
      Where have you been? There's not
      much time. Do it now!
      Arco grabs Fade.
      ARCO RYLIE VI
      If my son dies, you'll be next.
      Fade stammers his words.
      FADE
      I've never done this before.
      NESSA
      You will do this now!
      Fade crouches down and whispers in Haji's ear.
      FADE
      I'm sorry, I'll keep you with me.
      Fade stands, still holding Haji's hand, and then takes one of
      Young Regan's hands.
      Fade's eyes light up.
      Young Regan jolts up and gasps.
      The green energy travels from Young Regan through Fade's body
      and into Haji.
      Greenlight shoots out of Haji's eyes as he lets out a tiny
      scream.
      Fade releases their hands, and both boys collapse.
      Nessa runs to Haji and cradles him and kisses his forehead.
      Haji, now Regan, opens his eyes and looks into Nessa's.
      80.

      YOUNG REGAN
      Am I better now?
      END FLASHBACK

      INT. NESSA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
      Back in the physical world, Odisko releases Nessa, but it's
      too late.
      Nessa looks at Odisko, her eyes blood-soaked eyes bulging
      from their sockets.
      Nessa takes her final breath and dies.
      Nessa's venial system turns black as her body starts to
      wither and decay.
      Odisko hears the sound of approaching footsteps and hides
      under Nessa's desk.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Holli examines Eugene's force field generator and makes adjustments while the power goes out. She illuminates the shop with her light and finds Eugene trapped under a shelf. With Karma's help, they free Eugene and check for injuries. Holli leaves in the Hovervette to go to the Halo facility. Meanwhile, Odisko sneaks into the Hessa Rylie Children's Center and enters Nessa's office. Odisko grabs Nessa by the throat and enters her mind, witnessing a memory of Arco and Nessa trying to save their sickly child. Odisko releases Nessa, who dies, and hides under her desk as someone approaches.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Emotional depth
      • Engaging plot
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and impactful, with intense moments of conflict and emotional depth. The stakes are high as Halo City is ravaged by a superstorm and the protagonist faces a life-or-death situation. The scene effectively moves the story forward and introduces unique elements that add depth to the plot.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a force field generator and the consequences of its failure in protecting Halo City from a superstorm is intriguing and adds tension to the scene. The use of mind control and memory manipulation further enhances the complexity of the story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces a major turning point in the story with the failure of the dome and the subsequent chaos in Halo City. The actions and decisions of the characters drive the plot forward and create suspense.

      Originality: 7

      This scene introduces unique elements such as the force field dome, advanced technology, and the protagonist's ability to transform her appearance. The actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Holli demonstrates her intelligence and resourcefulness, while Eugene shows vulnerability and growth. Odisko's actions reveal her determination and ruthlessness.

      Character Changes: 8

      The characters undergo significant changes in this scene. Holli takes charge and demonstrates her leadership skills, Eugene overcomes his fear and shows bravery, and Odisko's actions reveal her true nature and motivations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save her friend Denni and fulfill her duty to Odisko. This reflects her deeper desire to protect and help those she cares about, as well as her commitment to her mission.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to infiltrate the Halo facility and send the Hovervette back to her friends for a rescue mission. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the city being under attack and the need to take action to save others.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The level of conflict is high throughout the scene. There is external conflict with the superstorm and the destruction of Halo City, as well as internal conflict within the characters as they grapple with fear, guilt, and the need to protect others.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges such as the superstorm, the damaged city, and the need to rescue her friend. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene as Halo City is devastated by a superstorm and the characters face life-threatening situations. The survival of the city and the well-being of the characters are at risk.

      Story Forward: 10

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major turning point and raising the stakes. It sets up the next phase of the story as Holli heads to the Halo facility and Odisko confronts Nessa.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected events such as the power outage, the failure of the dome, and the appearance of the superstorm. These elements keep the audience on their toes and create suspense.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, sadness, and determination. The devastation of Halo City and the sacrifices made by the characters create a sense of urgency and empathy.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is concise and serves the purpose of conveying information and emotions. There are some impactful lines, but overall, the focus is more on the actions and events unfolding in the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it includes intense action, high stakes, and a sense of mystery. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's mission and the chaotic world of Halo City.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of this scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The action is fast-paced, and the scene transitions smoothly between different locations and events.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with correct spacing, indentation, and punctuation.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Holli examining Eugene's force field generator, but it's not clear why she is doing this or what her intentions are. It would be helpful to provide some context or explanation for her actions.
      • The dialogue between Holli and Eugene feels a bit forced and unnatural. The exchange about being a 'dick' and pointing out 'inferiorities' doesn't flow smoothly and could be reworked to sound more authentic.
      • The transition from day to night and the superstorm ravaging Halo City is a dramatic shift in tone and setting, but it feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous scene. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger link between the two scenes to create a smoother transition.
      • The description of the superstorm and its impact on Halo City is vivid and engaging, but it could benefit from more sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the chaos and destruction.
      • The moment when Holli finds Eugene trapped under the shelf and Karma tries to lift it, but it's too heavy, creates tension and suspense. However, the resolution of the conflict feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. It would be more impactful to explore the characters' emotions and reactions in greater detail.
      • The introduction of Odisko and her actions in the Hessa Rylie Children's Center is intriguing and adds a layer of mystery to the scene. However, the transition from Holli's storyline to Odisko's storyline is abrupt and could be smoother.
      • The flashback sequence in Nessa's office provides important backstory and reveals a significant event in the characters' lives. However, the execution of the flashback feels disjointed and confusing. It would be helpful to clarify the sequence of events and provide clearer transitions between the present and the past.
      • The scene ends with Odisko hiding under Nessa's desk as someone approaches, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation. However, it would be beneficial to provide more context or foreshadowing to build up the tension and make the reader more invested in the outcome.
      Suggestions
      • Provide more context and explanation for Holli's actions in examining Eugene's force field generator. This will help the reader understand her motivations and goals.
      • Rework the dialogue between Holli and Eugene to make it sound more natural and authentic. Focus on creating a smoother flow and avoiding forced exchanges.
      • Establish a stronger link between the transition from day to night and the superstorm ravaging Halo City. This can be done through visual cues, character reactions, or narrative connections.
      • Enhance the description of the superstorm and its impact on Halo City by incorporating more sensory details. This will help immerse the reader in the chaos and destruction.
      • Explore the characters' emotions and reactions in greater detail when Holli finds Eugene trapped under the shelf. This will add depth and emotional resonance to the resolution of the conflict.
      • Smooth out the transition from Holli's storyline to Odisko's storyline to create a more seamless narrative flow. This can be achieved through clearer transitions or establishing a stronger connection between the two storylines.
      • Clarify the sequence of events and provide clearer transitions between the present and the past in the flashback sequence. This will help the reader follow the timeline and understand the significance of the events.
      • Build up the tension and suspense in the final moments of the scene by providing more context or foreshadowing. This will make the reader more invested in the outcome and eager to continue reading.



      Scene 15 -  The Revelation and Evacuation
      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - NIGHT
      The flight crew work at their respective stations.
      Engineer Wright monitors the situation with Halo City's
      energy core.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      Sir, the energy core's output is
      still fluctuating. The dome failed
      again.
      Captain Rylie, callus in his demeanor, replies.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      There's nothing more we can do.
      ENGINEER WRIGHT
      But Sir, the city.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      They're already dead. An asteroid
      is on a collision course with the
      planet. The core exploding would be
      a mercy.
      The air is palpable.
      The crew sits silently in shock.
      81.

      Officer Anderson watches the security monitor and sees Odisko
      enter the Children's Center.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON
      Captain, the psychic escaped. I
      have her entering the Children's
      Center.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Alert my son and Fade.
      (beat)
      I want her alive!

      INT. NESSA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
      Odisko peers under the desk and sees a set of military boots
      enter the office.
      The Officer walks over to Nessa's corpse and has his back
      turned to Odisko.
      Odisko pops out from under the desk and rushes the officer.
      The officer doesn't budge and turns around. It's Holli,
      disguised as Officer Wheat.
      Holli deactivates her disguise.
      Odisko gasps with joy and throws her arms around Holli.
      ODISKO
      I thought I lost you.
      HOLLI
      I wrote a backup protocol.
      Holli looks at Nessa's body and back at Odisko.
      Odisko cries.
      ODISKO
      She killed Haji.
      (beat)
      She had that operative erase Haji's
      mind and implant their dying sons.
      Holli comforts Odisko.
      ODISKO (CONT'D)
      Can you access their systems?
      Holli smirks at Odisko.
      82.

      Holli walks over to Nessa's computer terminal and shoots a
      data transfer beam from her eyes. The terminal activates and
      displays several files, including one called Timeless and
      another called Project Offspring.
      HOLLI
      I'm downloading their files now.
      A moment later, Holli turns to Odisko with disgust.
      HOLLI (CONT'D)
      Arco Rylie and Nesaa are actually
      in their nineties. They use an age
      blocker called Timeless.
      (beat)
      It's why their son was so sick.
      ODISKO
      What about the other files?
      HOLLI
      It just gets worse. They've been
      abducting children with special
      abilities so they can steal their
      bodies when they reach some distant
      planet they plan to colonize with
      super beings.
      ODISKO
      We don't have time for this. I saw
      the dome fail.
      Holli looks destroyed.
      HOLLI
      The city is a war zone.
      (beat)
      If the core doesn't explode and
      level it, the encroaching asteroid
      will.
      ODISKO
      We need to warn Appa and Amma
      (beat)
      We've got to stop them.
      Odisko turns to leave.
      HOLLI
      You'll need this.
      Holli tosses the other emitter she had made to Odisko.
      83.

      Odisko puts on the wrist cuff and activates it, transforming
      her into Amnesia.
      ODISKO
      I'm going for Rylie. You figure out
      how to save the city.
      Amnesia alters her image inducer, disguises herself as Nessa,
      and then exits the office.

      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
      Eugene, Karma, and Denni sit huddled together, protected by
      the portable force field.
      The sounds of destruction and chaos echo outside the shop.
      The communications terminal activates.
      Eugene answers the call, and Holli appears on the screen.
      KARMA
      Praise be, where's Odisko?
      HOLLI
      She's fine.
      (beat)
      I don't have much time, so I need
      you to listen.
      EUGENE
      We're here for you, whatever you
      need.
      HOLLI
      We need to evacuate the city.
      Eyes widen, and jaws drop open.
      DENNI
      Is that even possible? Evacuate to
      where?
      HOLLI
      I'm going to send down the Halo
      cargo freighters to bring the
      survivors to The Orbitat.
      (beat)
      You need to get the survivors to
      Halo Stadium.
      DENNI
      That's impossible.
      84.

      HOLLI
      You have to figure it out. I have
      to go.
      The call terminates.
      Denni looks bewildered.
      DENNI
      We're all fucked.
      Eugene's eyes brighten as he rushes to his computer.
      EUGENE
      I have an idea.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - NIGHT
      The bridge air on the bridge is thick with tension.
      Officer Barry intercepts a transmission.
      OFFICER BARRY
      Sir, I've intercepted an outbound
      communication to the surface. It's
      the hologram; she is going to
      hijack the freighters and evacuate
      the city.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Like hell she is.
      (beat)
      Mr. Anderson, find her and kill her
      or whatever you do to stop a
      holographic intruder.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON
      Aye, Sir.
      (beat)
      This should be fun.

      INT. NESSA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
      As Holli leaves Nessa's office, she hears Fade and Mirage
      approaching.
      Holli adjusts her projection matrix and cloaks herself.
      Fade and Mirage enter the office.
      Mirage sees his dead mother, loses it, and falls to his
      knees.
      85.

      Fade tries to console him.
      MIRAGE
      I'm going to kill her.
      FADE
      There's nothing I can say to make
      this better, but your father wants
      her alive.
      Mirage stands up and exchanges his tears for anger.
      MIRAGE
      There's only one place she'll be
      going.
      (beat)
      Come on.
      Mirage runs out of the office.

      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
      Eugene sits at his computer, pounding the keys with deadly
      focus.
      Karma holds Denni and consoles them.
      Eugene jumps up and heads for the door.
      KARMA
      Where are you going, you crazy, old
      man? You're going to get yourself
      killed.
      EUGENE
      I have to see if it worked.
      Eugene exits the shop.

      EXT. HALO CITY - NIGHT
      The disaster has only gotten worse. The glow of fires burning
      everywhere fills the air with thick black smoke.
      Eugene covers his face with his shirt and runs down the
      street. He comes to an intersection, looks up to the sky, and
      smiles. All the signs and billboards have been converted to
      evacuation signs telling the survivors to get to Halo
      Stadium.
      When he turns to head back to the shop, he sees random
      survivors wandering around, like zombies.
      86.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
      Odisko, disguised as Nessa, walks the halls of The Orbitat.
      She passes crew members hard at work. They all stop to bow to
      her as if she's royalty.
      Odisko/Nessa continues through the winding corridors, trying
      not to look lost.
      Odisko/Nessa rounds a corner to find Fade and Mirage waiting
      for her.
      MIRAGE
      Mother! There you are. Father needs
      to see you.
      ODISKO/NESSA
      Hello, son. I'm on my way to see
      him.
      Mirage locks elbows with Odisko/Nessa and leads her into the
      atomizer.
      Fade follows behind with his hand on his blaster.

      INT. EUGENIOUS MECHANICAL - NIGHT
      Eugene walks into the shop, followed by a collection of
      survivors.
      Karma jumps up and immediately tends to the injured.
      Denni runs to the replicator and replicates water for
      everyone.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Engineer Wright informs Captain Rylie about the fluctuating energy core and failed dome. Captain Rylie reveals an impending asteroid collision. Odisko escapes and finds Holli in Nessa's office, learning the truth about Arco Rylie and Nessa. Holli instructs Eugene, Karma, and Denni to evacuate the city. Officer Barry intercepts a communication revealing Holli's plan to hijack freighters. Mirage vows to kill Nessa. Odisko, disguised as Nessa, is led by Mirage and Fade to see Captain Rylie.
      Strengths
      • Intense emotions
      • Shocking revelations
      • Engaging plot progression
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and impactful, with intense emotions and shocking revelations. It effectively sets up the stakes and urgency for the upcoming climax.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of age-blocking technology and the plan to steal children's bodies is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It raises ethical questions and creates a sense of danger.

      Plot: 9

      The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with the revelation of the secret plan and the urgent need to evacuate the city. It raises the stakes and sets up the climax.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique blend of futuristic elements, such as the age blocker called Timeless and the concept of stealing children's bodies for colonization. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' emotions and reactions are well-portrayed, especially Odisko's joy and grief. The scene also introduces new characters, Holli and Mirage, who add depth to the story.

      Character Changes: 8

      Odisko experiences a range of emotions, from joy to grief, which shows her growth and resilience. The scene also introduces Mirage, who undergoes a transformation from grief to anger.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about the city's leaders and their sinister plans. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and to protect their loved ones.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to warn Appa and Amma about the impending danger and to stop the city's leaders from carrying out their plans. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in this scene is high, with the revelation of the sinister plan, the urgency to evacuate the city, and the characters' emotional turmoil. It keeps the audience engaged and invested.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges from the city's leaders, the impending asteroid, and the need to save innocent lives.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the impending asteroid collision, the revelation of the sinister plan, and the urgent need to evacuate the city. The characters' lives and the fate of the city are at stake.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, raising the stakes, and setting up the climax. It creates anticipation and keeps the audience engaged.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists, such as the reveal of Holli's true identity and the shocking revelations about the city's leaders.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and protecting innocent lives, and the city's leaders' belief in sacrificing the city for their own survival.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, such as sadness, anger, and determination. The characters' grief and the urgency of the situation create a powerful emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and emotions of the characters. However, there are some moments that could benefit from more impactful and memorable lines.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents high stakes, reveals important information, and creates suspense through its dialogue and descriptive narrative.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, and by balancing dialogue and action.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing conflicts and goals, and building tension towards the climax.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Engineer Wright informing Captain Rylie about the fluctuating energy core and the failed dome. This information is important for the audience to understand the dire situation, but the dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy. Consider finding a more natural way to convey this information.
      • The tension and urgency of the situation could be heightened by adding more visual and sensory details. For example, describe the crew's reactions to the news, the sound of alarms or sirens, or the trembling of the ship as it prepares for convergence.
      • When Officer Anderson alerts Captain Rylie about Odisko entering the Children's Center, the dialogue feels a bit flat. Consider adding more emotion or urgency to their exchange to reflect the gravity of the situation.
      • The reveal of Holli disguised as Officer Wheat is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a moment of suspense or surprise to enhance the impact of the reveal.
      • The conversation between Holli and Odisko in Nessa's office is important for the plot, but the dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy. Consider finding a more organic way to convey the information about Arco Rylie and Nessa's true age and their plan to steal children's bodies.
      • The transition from Holli revealing the truth to Odisko expressing the need to save the city feels a bit abrupt. Consider adding a moment of reflection or emotional reaction from Odisko to bridge the gap between the two topics.
      • The scene ends with Odisko transforming into Amnesia and leaving to confront Rylie, but the transition feels a bit rushed. Consider adding a moment of decision or determination from Odisko to emphasize her resolve.
      • Overall, the scene could benefit from more sensory details, emotional depth, and smoother transitions to enhance the tension and urgency of the situation.
      Suggestions
      • Consider finding a more natural way to convey the information about the fluctuating energy core and the failed dome, such as through character actions or reactions.
      • Add more visual and sensory details to enhance the tension and urgency of the situation, such as describing the crew's reactions, the sound of alarms or sirens, or the trembling of the ship.
      • Add more emotion or urgency to the dialogue between Officer Anderson and Captain Rylie to reflect the gravity of the situation.
      • Build suspense or surprise leading up to the reveal of Holli disguised as Officer Wheat.
      • Find a more organic way to convey the information about Arco Rylie and Nessa's true age and their plan to steal children's bodies, such as through character actions or interactions.
      • Add a moment of reflection or emotional reaction from Odisko after learning the truth about Arco Rylie and Nessa to bridge the gap between that topic and the need to save the city.
      • Add a moment of decision or determination from Odisko before transforming into Amnesia and leaving to confront Rylie.
      • Consider incorporating more sensory details, emotional depth, and smoother transitions throughout the scene to enhance the tension and urgency.



      Scene 16 -  Battle and Tragedy in Halo City
      INT. THE ORBITAT - DOCKING BAY - NIGHT
      Holli de-cloaks when she enters the docking bay.
      Two Halo Corps officers greet her with blasters pointed at
      her. They fire the laser blasts at Holli, which have no
      effect on her.
      Holli blasts them against the wall and knocks them out.
      Holli rushes to the docking bay terminal. Before she can hack
      the system, Security Officer Anderson surprises her.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON
      So, you must be the hologram I've
      heard so much about.
      (beat)
      (MORE)
      87.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON (CONT'D)
      Step away from the console before I
      have to beat you into submission.
      Holli stands to face him with a smile.
      HOLLI
      You're welcome to try.
      Holli fires a blast from her eyes. Much to her surprise,
      Officer Anderson holds up his hand and absorbs the blasts
      into his palm.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON
      Thanks for that. Look what I can
      do.
      Officer Anderson redirects her blast, which hits Holli and
      sends her flying into the wall.
      Holli stands with a surprised look on her face.
      Holli takes a fighting stance.
      SECURITY OFFICER ANDERSON (CONT'D)
      You're infinitely stronger than me,
      so how about not?
      (beat)
      As much as I'd love to pummel you
      all day, we're kind of pressed for
      time, so I'll make this quick.
      Officer Anderson closes his eyes to concentrate. When he
      opens them, they glow white. He begins to absorb all the
      light. In the room, including Holli.
      Holli can't move. Her body begins to dim.
      Officer Anderson's body starts to glow red as he takes in the
      light.
      Holli notices the strain on his face.
      HOLLI
      You want my light? Take it.
      Holli flashes bright, like a supernova.
      Officer Anderson continues to absorb the light, but the
      stress is too much.
      Officer Anderson screams as the massive burst overloads him.
      Officer Anderson explodes, bathing Holli in his remains.
      88.

      The light from his body dissipates, and the room returns to
      normal.
      Holli returns to the terminal and continues the hack.

      EXT. HALO CITY - NIGHT
      Eugene and the group of survivors walk through the burning
      streets. Denni holds the portable force field generator,
      which covers the herd and protects them from falling debris.
      They come across the heartbreaking sight of a young mother,
      DELORIS(26), dirty, broken, and terrified, trapped under a
      slab of concrete, taking her last breaths. Her young
      daughter, DASHELDA(5), with a soot-covered face with a clean
      line from the tracks of her tears, sits beside her and
      strokes her hair.
      Eugene leaves the safety of the force field to investigate.
      Eugene kneels down by Deloris's side.
      DELORIS
      Her name is Dashelda. Please take
      her.
      With no time to spare, Eugene takes Dashelda's hand.
      Dashelda pulls away.
      DELORIS (CONT'D)
      Dashelda, my angel, Mommy is stuck;
      I need you to go with these nice
      people. They will keep you safe,
      Eugene locks eyes with Deloris.
      EUGENE
      You have my word.
      Deloris takes one labored breath as tears roll down her
      cheeks.
      DELORIS
      Always remember that Mommy loves
      you.
      Deloris closes her eyes and lets out her final breath.
      Eugene picks up Dashelda and rushes back to the force field.
      89.

      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - NIGHT
      From the main viewport, Captain Rylie watches as his fleet of
      cargo freighters blasts off toward the planet.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Somebody get Mr. Anderson on comms;
      I want to know what the hell is
      happening.
      (beat)
      Ms. Barry, patch me through to
      those ships.
      Officer Barry attempts a ship-to-ship connection.
      OFFICER BARRY
      I'm trying, Sir, but something is
      jamming the ship's communications.
      The atomizer lights up, and moments later, Fade, Mirage, and
      Odisko/Nessa materialize. They step out of the Atomizer bay
      onto the bridge of The Noah.
      Captain Rylie's jaw drops when he sees Nessa walk onto the
      bridge.
      Captain Rylie stares down Mirage, rage building behind his
      eyes.
      Mirage surprises Odisko/Nessa, grabs her wrist cuff, and
      tears it from her arm.
      Mirage drops the wrist cuff on the floor and stomps it into
      nothing.
      Odisko/Nessa's disguise disappears, and she reverts to her
      true form, Odisko.
      Fade pulls out his blaster and takes aim.
      Odisko raises her hands to surrender.

      EXT. HALO STADIUM - NIGHT
      Eugene and his group of survivors have grown to a couple of
      hundred people.
      Karma walks, holding Dasheld's hand.
      They enter the wide-open field of the stadium. The towering
      flood lights illuminate the field, which is crowded with a
      sea of survivors.
      90.

      The thunderous sounds of cheering as the first of the
      freighters land.
      The dome fails, and hell and fury rain down on the mob.
      Eugene extends his force field to its maximum output, but
      it's not big enough to shelter everyone. Those under the
      protection of the shield watch in horror as hundreds of
      survivors perish from falling debris or getting blown into La
      Mer De La Muerta by the hurricane-force winds.
      Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Holli de-cloaks and defeats two Halo Corps officers who try to attack her. She rushes to the docking bay terminal but is confronted by Security Officer Anderson. They engage in a power battle, resulting in Anderson exploding. Meanwhile, Eugene and the survivors rescue a young mother trapped under debris. She asks Eugene to take her daughter, and he promises to keep her safe. The survivors enter the Halo Stadium, but the dome fails, causing many to perish.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Emotional impact
      • Engaging dialogue
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of themes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with intense action and a heartbreaking moment. The dialogue is well-written and the plot moves forward significantly.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a holographic protagonist with superhuman abilities facing off against a powerful antagonist is intriguing and well-executed.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense, as the protagonist tries to hack the system while being confronted by the antagonist. The scene also introduces a heartbreaking moment with the young mother and her daughter.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the futuristic setting and advanced technology are familiar elements, the specific actions and abilities of the characters, such as Holli's blast from her eyes and Officer Anderson's ability to absorb light, add a fresh twist to the scene. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their established traits.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-developed and their actions and dialogue are consistent with their personalities. The protagonist, Holli, is strong and determined, while Officer Anderson is a formidable antagonist.

      Character Changes: 8

      Holli undergoes a change in her approach to the battle, realizing the extent of Officer Anderson's power and adjusting her strategy accordingly.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Holli's internal goal in this scene is to complete the hack on the docking bay terminal. This reflects her desire to accomplish her mission and overcome obstacles.

      External Goal: 7

      Holli's external goal in this scene is to escape from the docking bay and continue her mission. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces and the need to evade capture.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict between Holli and Officer Anderson is intense and high-stakes, with both characters using their unique abilities to gain the upper hand.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Officer Anderson presents a formidable challenge to Holli. The audience is unsure of how the battle will unfold and who will emerge victorious.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are incredibly high, with the survival of the protagonist and the fate of the survivors depending on the outcome of the battle.

      Story Forward: 10

      The scene significantly moves the story forward, with Holli continuing her mission to hack the system and the introduction of a new antagonist, Odisko.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected abilities and actions for the characters. The outcome of the battle between Holli and Officer Anderson is uncertain, keeping the audience on their toes.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly during the heartbreaking moment with the young mother and her daughter, as well as the intense battle between Holli and Officer Anderson.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the personalities and motivations of the characters. The exchange between Holli and Officer Anderson is particularly intense and memorable.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with action and suspense. The reader is drawn into the conflict between Holli and Officer Anderson and is invested in the outcome of their battle.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of this scene is fast and intense, contributing to its effectiveness. The rapid succession of actions and dialogue keeps the reader engaged and creates a sense of urgency.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear setting and introduces the characters and their goals. The action unfolds in a logical sequence, leading to a climax and resolution.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with a strong action sequence as Holli de-cloaks and confronts two Halo Corps officers. However, the dialogue between Holli and Officer Anderson feels a bit cliché and lacks depth. It would be more interesting to explore their motivations and create a more nuanced conflict between them.
      • The fight between Holli and Officer Anderson is visually engaging, but the resolution feels rushed and lacks tension. It would be more impactful to build up the stakes and create a sense of danger for Holli before she ultimately defeats Officer Anderson.
      • The transition to Eugene and the group of survivors in Halo City is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition. It would be helpful to establish the location and the group's journey before introducing the new characters.
      • The interaction between Eugene and Deloris is emotional and well-written, but it would be even more powerful to delve deeper into their connection and explore their individual struggles in the midst of the chaos.
      • The scene on The Noah's bridge with Captain Rylie and the arrival of Mirage, Fade, and Odisko/Nessa is intriguing, but the dialogue and actions could be more impactful. It would be beneficial to heighten the tension and create a stronger confrontation between Captain Rylie and Odisko/Nessa.
      • The final scene in Halo Stadium is intense and heartbreaking, but the description of the dome failing and the chaos could be more vivid and visceral. It would be helpful to use sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene and evoke a stronger emotional response.
      Suggestions
      • Develop the dialogue between Holli and Officer Anderson to add depth and complexity to their conflict. Explore their motivations and create a more nuanced dynamic between them.
      • Build up the tension and stakes in the fight between Holli and Officer Anderson. Create a sense of danger for Holli before she ultimately defeats him.
      • Smoothly transition from Holli's scene to Eugene and the group of survivors in Halo City. Establish the location and the group's journey before introducing new characters.
      • Delve deeper into the emotional connection between Eugene and Deloris. Explore their individual struggles and add more depth to their interaction.
      • Heighten the tension and create a stronger confrontation between Captain Rylie and Odisko/Nessa on The Noah's bridge. Make their dialogue and actions more impactful.
      • Use vivid and visceral descriptions to portray the chaos and devastation in Halo Stadium. Use sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene and evoke a stronger emotional response.



      Scene 17 -  Betrayal and Redemption
      INT. THE NOAH - BRIDGE - NIGHT
      Captain Rylie holds back his rage. He stands and approaches
      Odisko.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      So, we finally meet. I was hoping
      it would have been under different
      circumstances.
      (beat)
      A woman with your power would be a
      great addition to our little
      family.
      Odisko stands defenseless with her hands in the air.
      ODISKO
      Family, interesting choice of
      words, seeing how you broke mine
      when you stole my little brother.
      Odisko looks at Mirage.
      ODISKO (CONT'D)
      Haji, you don't want to do this.
      You're my little brother.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      Who the hell is Haji?
      Odisko shouts to Captain Rylie.
      ODISKO
      Tell him! Tell him how you wiped my
      brother's mind and implanted your
      son's.
      Mirage looks to his father.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      Father?
      91.

      Captain Rylie looks distressed.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Don't listen to her. She's trying
      to confuse you.
      ODISKO
      You were the first. Isn't that
      right? I know all about Project
      Offspring.
      (beat)
      He's almost one hundred years old,
      but his age blockers have made him
      sterile. He's going to steel those
      poor children's bodies and their
      powers.
      (beat)
      Tell him!
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Regan, kill her.
      ODISKO
      Let me show you.
      Mirage takes Odisko's hand.
      Odisko's eyes glow as she shows Mirage the truth.
      Mirage looks at his father with disgust.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      It's true. It's all true.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      You are my son. Everything I've
      ever done has been for you. To give
      you a new home, a legacy. Now, do
      as I say and end her.
      Mirage, with tears in his eyes, pulls out his blaster and
      points it at Odisko's head.
      MIRAGE/REGAN
      I'm sorry about your brother, I
      truly am, but I can't change that.
      (beat)
      But you killed my mother, and for
      that, you need to die.
      Mirage sets his blaster to maximum and starts to pull the
      trigger.
      92.

      Before he can fire off a shot, Holli de-cloaks beside him,
      grabs the blaster, and snaps Mirage's wrist with a sickening
      crunch.
      The blaster goes off.
      The room falls silent.
      Mirage, with a momentary look of confusion, drops to the
      floor with half of his neck missing.
      Captain Rylie screams.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Fade!
      Fade takes aim at Odisko.
      Holli fires a blast from her eyes.
      Fade screams when his hand gets blown off.
      Fade looks at his stump in horror, then passes out from the
      shock.
      CAPTAIN RYLIE (CONT'D)
      Mr. With, shoot her.
      The 1st officer doesn't' comply.
      1ST OFFICER WITH
      No Sir. I won't, and I won't be a
      part of letting the last of
      humanity die, either.
      The rest of the flight crew stand and walk over to the 1st
      officer.
      Captain Rylie charges at the 1st officer and grabs his
      blaster.
      Holli fires a shot at the captain but misses and hits the
      navigational array.
      Captain Rylie turns and fires a shot at Odisko.
      Odisko leaps into the air, does a barrel roll over the laser
      blast, and tackles Captain Rylie to the ground.
      Odisko kneels on the captain's shoulders and punches his face
      over and over.
      93.

      CAPTAIN RYLIE
      Just do it. Kill me. You've already
      taken everything that matters to
      me.
      ODISKO
      I have a better idea.
      Odisko grabs ahold of Captain Rylie's face and flexes her
      power.
      Captain Rylie screams for mercy as Odisko floods his mind
      with her lifetime of torment.
      When Odisko releases him, he's covered in drool and bloody
      tears. His words are a jumble of incoherent nonsense.

      EXT. HALO STADIUM - DAY
      Eugene and the last group of survivors walk onto the cargo
      freighter.
      The freighter doors close, and the ship lifts off and heads
      for the stars.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - DOCKING BAY - DAY
      The once cold, mechanical docking resonates with tens of
      thousands of cascading voices from the survivors as they
      disembark from the freighter.
      Odisko sees Taffy, Elroy, and Devaun. Devaun has two legs and
      innocence in his eyes.
      Taffy runs up and hugs Odisko.
      TAFFY
      You're a hero. Thank you.
      Odisko smiles.
      Odisko stands with Holli and the other eager evacuees,
      waiting to be reunited with their loved ones.
      Holli scans the crowd with her glowing eyes.
      HOLLI
      I see them.
      Holli points out Karma and Dashelda.
      Odisko jumps up and down, waving her arms.
      94.

      Karma smiles when she sees her daughters.
      Holli and Odisko run to Karma and hug and kiss her.
      Dashelda hides behind Karma.
      KARMA
      This is Dashelda.
      Odisko smiles and waves at Dashelda.
      Dashelda hugs Karma and hides her face.
      KARMA (CONT'D)
      She's been through a lot; give her
      time.
      ODISKO
      Let me guess: he stayed behind to
      help.
      Karma gins.
      KARMA
      He'll be up in a day or so. You two
      saved a lot of people.
      HOLLI
      We saved a lot of people. We
      couldn't have done it without you.
      ODISKO
      Come with me, I'll show you where
      you'll be staying.
      Odisko turns to lead them out of the docking bay.
      Karma grabs her hand and stops her.
      Karma, with great sadness in her eyes, stares into Odisko's.
      KARMA
      My child, your father told me
      everything.
      Odisko tears up.
      ODISKO
      I did everything I could, but
      Haji's gone.
      KARMA
      Not a day goes by when I don't
      think of his sweet little face.
      (MORE)
      95.
      KARMA (CONT'D)
      If I try, I can still hear his
      giggle.
      (beat)
      But we have a new family now, and
      even though Haji isn't with us, he
      will always live in our memories.
      Odisko becomes excited.
      ODISKO
      Let's get you settled in; there's
      something I need to do.

      INT. THE ORBITAT - PRISON - DAY
      Odisko enters the prison, a stark, dreary place—a long
      corridor lined with small cells secured by invisible force
      fields.
      Odisko walks down the hall, passing empty cells. She stops at
      one that houses Arco Rylie. He sits on the floor, twitches,
      and mumbles to himself.
      Odisko continues down the corridor, comes to Fade's cell, and
      deactivates the force field.

      INT. FADE'S CELL - DAY
      Odisko enters the cell and sees Fade sitting on his bed, with
      his freshly bandaged stump, reading a book.
      Fade puts down his book when he sees Odisko.
      FADE
      What the hell do you want? Haven't
      you done enough?
      Odisko scoffs. Without saying a word, Odisko walks up to Fade
      with glowing eyes.
      Fade drops the book and recoils.
      Odisko grabs his Face. With a rush of purple light, she
      enters his mind.
      PUSH INTO FADE's MIND

      INT. FADE'S MIND - DAY
      Fade's mind looks like a giant, circular room, gleaming
      white, lined with doors.
      96.

      Odisko sees a red door and walks up to it. She tries to open
      it, but it's locked.
      Odisko spins into a roundhouse kick and busts the door wide
      open.
      Odisko enters the dark room.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In this intense and dramatic scene, Captain Rylie confronts Odisko on the bridge of The Noah. Odisko accuses Captain Rylie of stealing her little brother and reveals the truth about Project Offspring. Mirage, who has been manipulated by Captain Rylie, learns the truth and turns against him. Holli de-cloaks and kills Mirage before he can shoot Odisko. A battle ensues between Odisko, Holli, and Captain Rylie, with the rest of the flight crew siding with Odisko. Odisko ultimately defeats Captain Rylie by flooding his mind with her torment. The scene then shifts to Halo Stadium, where Eugene and the last group of survivors board a cargo freighter. The freighter takes off and heads for the stars. The scene concludes in The Orbitat's docking bay, where Odisko is reunited with Karma and Dashelda.
      Strengths
      • Intense dialogue
      • Revealing plot developments
      • Emotional impact
      • Character conflicts
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more concise

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with significant plot developments and emotional moments. The dialogue is impactful, and the conflict between characters is palpable.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mind manipulation and the revelation of a secret project add depth to the story. The scene effectively explores the consequences of these concepts.

      Plot: 9

      The plot takes a major turn as the truth is revealed and the characters face the consequences of their actions. The scene is crucial in advancing the overall story.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of superpowers and family conflicts is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and character dynamics presented in the scene offer a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters' emotions and motivations are well portrayed, especially Odisko, Captain Rylie, and Mirage. Their conflicts and personal growth drive the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      Mirage undergoes a significant change as he learns the truth about his identity and confronts his father. Odisko also experiences growth as she confronts Captain Rylie and seeks justice.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to expose Captain Rylie's true intentions and protect her loved ones. This reflects her desire for justice and her fear of losing her family.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat Captain Rylie and his followers. This reflects the immediate challenge of stopping their plans and ensuring the safety of the remaining survivors.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict between Odisko and Captain Rylie is intense and drives the scene. The confrontation between characters raises the stakes and creates tension.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces off against Captain Rylie and his followers. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding tension and suspense.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters' lives and the fate of humanity are at risk. The confrontation between Odisko and Captain Rylie has significant consequences.

      Story Forward: 10

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, resolving conflicts, and setting up the final resolution. It sets the stage for the climax.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected revelations about the characters' identities and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Captain Rylie's belief in sacrificing others for the sake of his legacy and the protagonist's belief in protecting and preserving life. This challenges the protagonist's values of family and justice.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, including anger, sadness, and betrayal. The characters' emotional turmoil is palpable.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is powerful and reveals crucial information. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it contains intense action, emotional confrontations, and plot twists. The stakes are high, and the reader is invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with quick dialogue exchanges and action sequences. This contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and keeping the reader engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a setup of the conflict, escalates with the revelation of Captain Rylie's true intentions, and concludes with a resolution.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with a strong confrontation between Captain Rylie and Odisko, which sets up the tension and conflict well. However, the dialogue between them feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
      • The revelation about Project Offspring and Captain Rylie's plan to steal children's bodies for colonization is a shocking twist, but it feels a bit rushed and could use more build-up and foreshadowing throughout the screenplay.
      • The action sequence between Odisko, Holli, and Captain Rylie is exciting and well-written, with clear stakes and a sense of urgency. However, some of the descriptions of the action could be more vivid and detailed to enhance the visual experience for the reader.
      • The resolution of the conflict between Odisko and Captain Rylie is satisfying, with Odisko using her powers to defeat him. However, the aftermath of the battle and the emotional impact on the characters could be explored further to deepen the scene.
      • The transition to Halo Stadium and the introduction of Eugene and the survivors boarding the cargo freighter is a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection to the previous events.
      • The final moments of the scene, with Odisko being reunited with Karma and Dashelda, provide a sense of closure and hope. However, the emotional weight of the reunion could be heightened with more emphasis on the characters' feelings and reactions.
      Suggestions
      • Consider revising the dialogue between Captain Rylie and Odisko to make it more subtle and layered, allowing the tension and conflict to build gradually.
      • Introduce hints and foreshadowing about Project Offspring and Captain Rylie's plan earlier in the screenplay to make the revelation feel more organic and impactful.
      • Enhance the descriptions of the action sequence between Odisko, Holli, and Captain Rylie to create a more vivid and immersive visual experience for the reader.
      • Explore the aftermath of the battle between Odisko and Captain Rylie in more depth, focusing on the emotional impact on the characters and their reactions to the events.
      • Smooth out the transition to Halo Stadium and the introduction of Eugene and the survivors boarding the cargo freighter to create a clearer connection to the previous events and maintain the flow of the scene.
      • Deepen the emotional weight of the reunion between Odisko, Karma, and Dashelda by emphasizing the characters' feelings and reactions, highlighting the significance of their reunion after the intense events they have experienced.



      Scene 18 -  Restoring Haji's Mind
      INT. FADE'S MIND - DARK ROOM - NIGHT
      The light from the open door casts a dim light to reveal
      thousands of lost souls of all the people Fade wiped,
      wandering aimlessly.
      When the lost souls see the open door, they walk into the
      light.
      As the room empties, Odisko calls out.
      ODISKO
      Haji?
      (beat)
      Haji, it's Oddy. Where are you?
      Odisko sees a shadowed figure curled up in the corner,
      crying.
      Odisko runs up to him and crouches down.
      ODISKO (CONT'D)
      Haji, it's me!
      Haji looks up and sees Odisko.
      HAJI
      Oddy?
      Odisko pulls Haji in for a hug.
      ODISKO
      I'm here to take you home.
      A bright light encapsulates them as Odisko absorbs Haji's
      consciousness into her.
      Odisko gasps as ten years of torment flow into her.
      PULL OUT OF FADE'S MIND
      97.

      INT. FADE'S CELL - DAY
      Back in the physical world, Odisko releases Fade from her
      metal intrusion.
      Fade holds his head and screams from the flood of
      consciousnesses entering his conscious mind.

      INT. NESSA RYLIE CHILDREN'S CENTER - DAY
      Odisko enters the Children's Center. It's full of displaced
      children, laughing and playing. She sees the blank-eyed
      little boy sitting in the same spot, staring at nothing.
      Odisko walks up to the boy and takes his hand.
      Odisko kneels down and speaks with tears forming in her eyes.
      ODISKO
      I'm so sorry this happened to you.
      (beat)
      I can't give you back your mind,
      but I can make you whole again.
      Odisko flexes her power.
      The boy gasps and jolts his head back.
      Odisko releases the boy and waits.
      The little boy blinks, and the spark returns to his eyes. He
      speaks with Haji's voice.
      HAJI
      Oddy?
      Odisko hugs him.
      Haji sees his pendant around Odisko's neck.
      HAJI (CONT'D)
      My Bobbi Bear!
      Odisko laughs and cries at the same time.
      Odisko puts the pendant around HAji's neck and takes his
      hand.
      Odisko leads Haji toward the exit.
      Haji looks up at Odisko.
      98.

      HAJI (CONT'D)
      Why are you so big?
      THE END
      FADE OUT.
      Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

      Summary Odysko enters Fade's mind and discovers thousands of lost souls. She finds Haji crying in a corner and absorbs his consciousness into her. Odysko releases Fade from her intrusion in the physical world and goes to the Nessa Rylie Children's Center. Using her power, she restores Haji's mind and reunites him with his pendant. Odysko then leads Haji out of the center, resolving the conflict of his lost consciousness. The scene ends with Odysko guiding Haji to safety.
      Strengths
      • Emotional depth
      • Strong theme of redemption
      • Well-developed characters
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could be more memorable
      • Conflict could be more pronounced

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is emotionally impactful, with a strong theme and well-developed characters. The dialogue is heartfelt and the plot moves forward effectively.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of lost souls and the ability to absorb consciousness is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot reaches a satisfying resolution as Odisko finds Haji and restores his consciousness. The scene also sets up a hopeful future for the displaced children.

      Originality: 8

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of the concept of wiping memories and the consequences it has on individuals. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality, as they navigate the complexities of identity and redemption.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable. Odisko's determination and love for Haji shines through, while Haji's vulnerability and longing for home are deeply felt.

      Character Changes: 9

      Both Odisko and Haji undergo significant changes in the scene. Odisko absorbs Haji's consciousness and experiences his torment, while Haji finds comfort and healing through Odisko's love.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find and rescue Haji, who is a lost soul in Fade's Mind. This reflects Odisko's deeper desire to help and save those who have been wiped by Fade.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to bring Haji back to the physical world and make him whole again. This reflects the immediate challenge of restoring Haji's consciousness and reuniting him with his identity.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 6

      The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Odisko absorbs Haji's consciousness and experiences his torment. There is also a sense of external conflict in the displaced children's situation.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Odisko faces the challenge of finding and rescuing Haji from Fade's Mind. The audience is unsure of the outcome and is invested in seeing how Odisko overcomes this obstacle.

      High Stakes: 7

      The stakes are high for Haji, as he has lost his consciousness and is trapped in a state of torment. The scene also highlights the high stakes for the displaced children, who have lost their homes and families.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict of Haji's lost consciousness and setting up a hopeful future for the displaced children.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the absorption of Haji's consciousness by Odisko and the transformation of the little boy. These surprises add intrigue and keep the audience guessing.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the concept of wiping people's memories and the belief in the importance of preserving one's identity and consciousness. This challenges Odisko's values and worldview, as she is determined to undo the harm caused by Fade's actions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene is highly emotional, evoking sadness, hope, and a sense of catharsis as Haji is reunited with Odisko and finds solace.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is heartfelt and conveys the characters' emotions effectively. It could benefit from some additional subtext and unique phrases to make it more memorable.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it combines emotional moments with suspense and action. The reader is invested in Odisko's mission to rescue Haji and restore his consciousness, creating a sense of anticipation and emotional connection.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of emotional depth with action and suspense. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting to clearly convey the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue that lead to a resolution.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with a strong visual description of Fade's mind as a dark room filled with thousands of lost souls. This sets a haunting and eerie tone for the scene.
      • The dialogue between Odisko and Haji is heartfelt and emotional, effectively conveying the connection between the characters.
      • The moment when Odisko absorbs Haji's consciousness is a powerful and dramatic moment, but it could benefit from more description and sensory details to enhance the impact.
      • The transition from Fade's mind to Fade's cell is a bit abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to provide a clearer indication of the change in setting.
      • The scene in the Nessa Rylie Children's Center is heartwarming and uplifting, but the description of the children laughing and playing could be expanded upon to create a more vivid image.
      • The dialogue between Odisko and the little boy is touching, but it could be strengthened by adding more specific details about the boy's emotions and reactions.
      • The ending of the scene, with Odisko putting the pendant around Haji's neck and leading him toward the exit, is a satisfying conclusion to their journey.
      • Overall, the scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of Odisko and Haji, but it could benefit from more sensory details and smoother transitions between settings.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding more sensory details to the moment when Odisko absorbs Haji's consciousness, such as describing the physical sensations or the visual effects of the absorption.
      • Provide a smoother transition between Fade's mind and Fade's cell, perhaps by describing the physical sensation of returning to the physical world.
      • Expand upon the description of the children laughing and playing in the Nessa Rylie Children's Center to create a more vivid and immersive image.
      • Add more specific details about the little boy's emotions and reactions during the dialogue with Odisko to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
      • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or reaction from Odisko after she puts the pendant around Haji's neck, to further emphasize the significance of the moment.
      • Continue to focus on sensory details throughout the scene to enhance the reader's immersion and emotional connection.