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Scene 1 -  Neighbors' Tension on July 4th
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS / INDUSTRIAL AREA - MORNING
Establishing shots of office buildings, landmarks such as The
Crypto.com Arena, Dodger Stadium, the downtown skyline,
various street signs, Hollywood Blvd., Crenshaw, Rodeo Dr.
etc.
CHYRON: JULY 4th, 2025

EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING
A quaint suburban cul-de-sac with one-story homes and
manicured lawns. A working class neighborhood within a
typical Southern California community.
A stout Latino man pushes a stroller. His name is HECTOR,
(32), blue collar type, plaid shirt and worn jeans, thinning
black hair, short in stature. Walking next to him is his
wife, VERA, (28), attractive, about an inch taller than
Hector, physically fit, well dressed.

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A humble one-story home with a two-car garage, planted in the
center of the block.
The front door opens and an African-American male, wearing
gray khakis, blue button-down shirt, black shoes and a black
jacket, exits. His name is, BERT, late 40’s, graying around
the ears, thin build, turns to lock the door.
He totes a stainless steel thermos, lunch sack and a
newspaper tucked under his arm. On his wrist is a worn,
linked stainless steel analog watch with a heavily scratched
glass face.
FELICIA (O.S.)
You’re leaving without a kiss?
He looks up to see his Latina wife, FELICIA, 38, very
attractive, wears a robe, exposing her shapely legs.
BERT
I didn’t want to wake you.
They kiss.
FELICIA
What time will you be home?
BERT
Probably around six.
2.

FELICIA
No, you should go out for drinks
with your friends this time,
celebrate the 4th. I want you to be
more social and--
BERT
But I like it here...with you. I’m
assuming you don’t feel the same?
FELICIA
Of course I feel the same, but it’s
important that you--
BERT
Okay, I’ll think about it. What
about the fireworks?
FELICIA
I’ll be fine, Bert. I’m a big-girl,
remember?
They kiss again before he turns and crosses to the sidewalk.
Two houses away is Hector pushing the stroller and Vera
walking alongside. Bert approaches.
HECTOR
(Spanish accent)
Good-morning, Mr. Bert.
BERT
Good-morning to you, Mr. Hector.
VERA
(Spanish accent)
How are you today?
BERT
I’m well, Vera.
(re: baby)
How’s our sweetheart?
VERA
Wonderful. Felicia?
BERT
She’s good--
VERA
I like her so much better than the
last one. She was, how do you say,
a gold-digger--
HECTOR
Vera--
3.

VERA
What? I’m not lying, am I Mr. Bert?
BERT
(smile)
No, Vera...you’ve never lied.
(beat)
So, Hector, are things picking up
in the landscaping business?
Hector begins to answer...
VERA
Yes! We’ve picked up a new client
and things are really beginning to
turn around. Don’t be surprised if
we move out of this shithole.
BERT
Shithole?
HECTOR
She’s joking, Mr. Bert. We love it
here.
BERT
(checks watch/to Hector)
If things change and you need to
pick up a few hours, let me know.
(walks off)
Happy 4th!
Vera feigns a smile and waves as he walks off, but frowns
once his back is to her.
VERA
(utters/Spanish)
My husband will never be a janitor.
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary The scene takes place on July 4th, 2025, in a suburban cul-de-sac in Los Angeles, introducing the characters Hector, Vera, Bert, and Felicia. Tension arises between Bert and Felicia regarding socializing and fireworks, while Vera expresses her dislike for Bert's previous wife. The emotional tone is light with underlying tension, and the scene ends with Bert walking off, leaving unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Subtle tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot development
  • Low external stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the relationships and conflicts between the characters, creating intrigue and setting the stage for potential developments. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the lives of neighbors in a suburban neighborhood is compelling and relatable. The scene introduces interesting dynamics and hints at potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 7

The plot is driven by the interactions between the characters and the subtle tensions that arise. While there is no major action or event, the scene sets up potential conflicts and developments that can drive the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on domestic life and social dynamics, presenting authentic characters and conflicts. The dialogue feels genuine and the interactions are relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and distinct, each with their own motivations and personalities. The dialogue reveals nuances in their relationships and hints at deeper conflicts and desires.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, particularly in Bert's internal conflict between his desire for social connection and his comfort at home. The scene sets up the possibility for character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal is to maintain a balance between his desire for social connection and his comfort in his current domestic life. This reflects his need for companionship and his fear of missing out on social opportunities.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to navigate his interactions with his wife and neighbors while preparing for the 4th of July celebrations. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal relationships and social obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are no overt conflicts in the scene, there are underlying tensions and unspoken truths that create a sense of unease and potential for future conflicts. The conflicts are more internal and relational at this point.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from differing values and priorities among the characters. The audience is left uncertain about how Bert will navigate his relationships and social obligations.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on interpersonal relationships and subtle tensions. However, the potential for conflicts and character growth suggests that the stakes could increase as the story progresses.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important relationships and dynamics that will likely drive the story forward. While there is no major plot development, the interactions between the characters hint at future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of its character dynamics and conflicts. The outcome of the interactions is hinted at early on, reducing the element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between personal fulfillment and social expectations. Bert's reluctance to socialize conflicts with Felicia's desire for him to be more outgoing, highlighting differing values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to contentment to resentment. The interactions between the characters and the underlying tensions create an emotional depth that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, revealing information about the characters while also advancing the plot. It adds depth to the relationships and creates tension through subtle exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its realistic dialogue, relatable characters, and subtle conflicts. The interactions between the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of intimacy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and tension. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, focusing on interpersonal relationships and subtle conflicts. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of establishing the setting and introducing the characters through their interactions.
  • The dialogue between Bert, Felicia, Hector, and Vera feels natural and helps to reveal their personalities.
  • There is a good balance of exposition and character development in this scene.
  • The scene sets up potential conflicts and tensions between the characters, such as Bert's reluctance to socialize and Felicia's desire for him to be more outgoing.
  • The use of Spanish accents for Hector and Vera adds authenticity to their characters, but be mindful of stereotypes or cliches.
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the suburban cul-de-sac.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and underlying emotions to add depth to the characters' interactions.
  • Explore ways to foreshadow future events or conflicts in the script within this scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a subtle hint or foreshadowing of the tensions that will arise later in the script, such as Bert's reluctance to socialize or Felicia's desire for him to be more outgoing.
  • Expand on the visual descriptions of the suburban cul-de-sac to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • Be cautious with the use of accents to avoid falling into stereotypes or cliches, ensure they add authenticity to the characters.
  • Look for opportunities to add subtext and underlying emotions to the dialogue to deepen the characters' relationships and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues or actions that hint at future conflicts or developments in the script.



Scene 2 -  Morning Commute
EXT. CITY STREET / LOS ANGELES - LATER
Bert checks his 1970’s analog watch: 7:30, as he crosses to a
city bus stop.
A few beats later a bus arrives, and Bert climbs the stairs.

INT. CITY BUS - MOMENTS LATER
Bert smiles and flashes his Bus Pass to LOIS,(50s), female
driver with big hair.
BERT LOIS
Good-morning, Lois. Good-morning, Bert.
4.

BERT (CONT’D)
How was you son’s high-school
graduation?
LOIS
It was great. We’re so proud of
him.
BERT
(walks off)
I’m proud of you for letting him
live.
LOIS
(laughs)
He did come close a few times!
Bert sits down in an available seat, opens his newspaper,
puts on his reading glasses and examines the front page
before flipping to the Sports Page.
ANGLE ON: the headline that reads: POWERBALL JACKPOT hits
$668 million!
Bert checks his watch again, it reads: 7:48

EXT. SMALL OFFICE BUILDING IN SOUTH LOS ANGELES - DAY
A flashy Corvette pulls into the lot and parks in front of
the building, blasting a 90’s rap tune. Musical suggestion:
“Flava in ya ear”
The car door opens and an African-American man, REGINALD
(50’s), aka BOSS-MAN, wears 90’s fashion, sunglasses, and a
gold chain with the initials “BM”. He straightens his clothes
and then checks his digital watch that reads: 7:55
A couple beats later, a weathered Honda mini-van pulls into
the lot and parks two spaces away from the Corvette.
The mini-van doors open and an Asian-American man steps out
of the driver’s side. His name is NESTOR, late 40’s, hefty,
thinning black hair, and wears the same work attire as Bert.
Exiting the passenger side is a white male, DALE, mid-40’s,
facial hair, wears a black beanie and the same work attire.
NESTOR
What’s up, Boss-Man?
BOSS-MAN
You’re late.
Dale checks his digital watch.
5.

DALE
You said nine, it’s 8:58.
BOSS-MAN
Where’s Bert?
From Nestor’s POV we see Bert crossing the lot with his
newspaper, thermos and lunch sack.
NESTOR
(gestures to Bert)
He’s on time too.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Bert catches a bus to work, chats with the bus driver Lois about her son's graduation, reads the newspaper about a Powerball jackpot, and arrives at a small office building in South Los Angeles where he meets his coworkers Nestor and Dale. There is a minor conflict about being late at the office building, but it is quickly resolved when Boss-Man realizes Bert and his coworkers are on time. The tone of the scene is casual and light-hearted, with key dialogue including Bert asking Lois about her son's graduation and Nestor greeting Boss-Man. Visual elements include Bert checking his watch, reading the newspaper, and the arrival of Boss-Man in a flashy Corvette. The scene ends with Bert and his coworkers being greeted by Boss-Man at the office building.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Nostalgic references
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the story, introducing characters and their dynamics in a light-hearted and engaging manner.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing daily routines and interactions while incorporating elements of humor and nostalgia is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as characters interact during their morning commute, setting the stage for potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting everyday routines and interactions, with a focus on character dynamics and subtle conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their personalities and relationships effectively.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily serves to establish character dynamics and routines.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of punctuality and responsibility, as evidenced by his timely arrival at the bus stop and later at the office building. This reflects his deeper need for structure and reliability in his daily routine.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal in this scene is to arrive on time for work, as indicated by his interactions with his colleagues and his promptness in checking the time. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he faces in his job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on character introductions and daily routines.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, with subtle disagreements and contrasting attitudes between the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on everyday interactions and routines.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing characters, setting up potential conflicts, and hinting at future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces subtle conflicts and hints at potential tensions between the characters, leaving the audience curious about how these dynamics will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Bert's sense of responsibility and punctuality, and Boss-Man's more relaxed attitude towards time. This challenges Bert's beliefs about the importance of being on time and the consequences of tardiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits positive emotions and amusement from the audience, but the emotional depth is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and dynamics.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it establishes the characters, sets up potential conflicts, and hints at future developments, keeping the audience interested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow, allowing for smooth transitions between locations and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character introductions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Bert checking his watch and catching a bus, which sets up the mundane routine of his day. While this can be a good way to establish his character and daily life, it may come off as slow-paced and lacking in immediate conflict or tension.
  • The dialogue between Bert and Lois on the bus is light and friendly, but it doesn't add much depth to their characters or move the story forward. Consider adding more meaningful dialogue that reveals something about Bert or Lois that will be relevant later in the script.
  • The introduction of Boss-Man and his coworkers Nestor and Dale at the office building feels a bit abrupt and disconnected from the previous scene. It may benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection to Bert's storyline.
  • The interaction between Boss-Man, Nestor, and Dale lacks a sense of urgency or purpose. The dialogue feels a bit flat and doesn't establish a strong conflict or goal for the characters to work towards.
  • The scene ends with the introduction of Bert arriving at the office building, but it doesn't provide a clear direction for the next scene or a strong hook to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more conflict or tension in the interactions between the characters to keep the scene engaging and drive the story forward.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' motivations, relationships, or conflicts that will be important later in the script.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between scenes to maintain the flow of the story and keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.
  • Clarify the goals or stakes for the characters in the office building to give the scene a sense of purpose and drive the narrative forward.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger to entice the audience to continue watching and see what happens next.



Scene 3 -  Deadline and Banter
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Boss-Man closes the front door.
Bert, Nestor and Dale enter and look around the deserted and
dusty office building.
Two WHITE MEN in suits appear from a back room, toting
briefcases, cross to Boss-Man at the front door.
MAN IN SUIT
(to Boss-Man)
I’m assuming you understand the
deadline?
BOSS-MAN
I’m on it.
The two Men turn and glance at Bert, Nestor and Dale before
exiting the building.
BERT
(sarcasm)
Good-morning to you too.
NESTOR
Screw them assholes.
(beat)
How are you doin’, Bert?
BERT
I’m good, Nestor. You?
NESTOR
Chillin’.
DALE
We picked up thirty Powerball
tickets on our way here.
BERT
How much do I owe you?
6.

DALE
Twenty.
Bert produces a $20 bill.
BERT
Did you use my numbers?
DALE
You know it.
Bert hands the twenty to Dale.
Boss-Man, dusting off his hands, approaches.
BOSS-MAN
You heard the man, we got a
deadline. This office needs to be
cleaned up and ready to go by eight-
o’clock tonight.
NESTOR
Eight o’clock? This is a lot of
work, and it’s the 4th of July. We
should be standing over a grill by
five...
BOSS-MAN
I can bring in two more guys, but
it still pays six-hundred.
BERT
No. We can handle it.
NESTOR BERT (CONT’D)
But-- We can handle it.

DALE
Bert’s right...we got this.
BOSS-MAN
(smile/to Bert)
My man...
(beat)
How’s your beautiful wife doin’?
BERT
She’s fine. How’s yours?
BOSS-MAN
She’s out at the mall, shopping for
a new summer dress. You know I love
me a woman in a summer dress.
(beat)
Tell her I said hello.
7.

BERT
You do the same.
The two men lock eyes, before...
NESTOR
I’d beat your ass if you ever
talked about my wife like that--
BOSS-MAN
I would never describe your wife as
beautiful, Nestor.
NESTOR
What’s that supposed to mean?
BOSS-MAN
It means I won.
(beat)
I’m just messin’ with you, Nestor.
Don’t get all sensitive on me.
Dale eyes Boss-Man.
DALE
I’m not married, but that’s pretty
messed up.
BOSS-MAN
(to Dale)
How’s that blow-up doll treatin’
you, Dale?
(eyes Bert)
...at least she’s faithful, right
Bert?
DALE
Why do you always have to bring
that up? I only used it once.
Bert abruptly puts down his thermos and removes his jacket.
BERT
We need to get to work if we’re
gonna finish tonight.
(to Boss-Man)
Cleaning supplies?
BOSS-MAN
In the maintenance room in the
back. I dropped them off yesterday.
BERT
Is that it?
Bert locks eyes with Boss-Man. Tense beat before Boss-Man
hands the key to Bert.
8.

BOSS-MAN
This is a spare. Lock up when you
leave. I’ll pick the key up
tomorrow.
Boss-Man turns and crosses to the front door. Halfway there,
he stops, turns, and crosses back to them.
BERT
Yes?
Boss-Man reaches into his wallet and pulls out a crisp one-
hundred dollar bill.
BOSS-MAN
Drinks on me after you finish. All
of you need to loosen up a bit,
you’re too uptight...
(to Bert)
...especially you.
Nestor reaches for the c-note, but Bert holds him back.
BERT
Does this count against our six-
hundred?
BOSS-MAN
No, it’s a 4th of July gift. I’m
not heartless.
Nestor reaches around Bert and takes the c-note.
DALE
(walks off)
I’ll get the supplies.
BERT
(to Nestor)
Why don’t you go and help, Dale?
NESTOR
(stowing c-note in pocket)
He can handle it.
Off Bert’s look, Nestor walks off after Dale.
BERT
You really should stay and help us.
BOSS-MAN
I am helping. I’m helping you and
your two compadres over there keep
a roof over your heads.
BERT
This is our company, remember?
9.

BOSS-MAN
Yes, actually I do. I own 75
percent, my wife owns 12.5 percent,
and you own the remaining 12.5. So,
if you do the math--
BERT
Felicia thinks I’m underpaid--
BOSS-MAN
Does she?
BERT
(beat)
I want to increase my stake in the
company.
BOSS-MAN
With what?
(off Bert’s look)
Don’t get mad at me for being a
smart business man.
BERT
That’s not exactly what I’d call
you.
BOSS-MAN
(smirk/backs away)
Anyway, it’s about time for me to
take my black-ass home and enjoy
the 4th with my new two-thousand
dollar stainless steel grill I
picked up last week. You and
Felicia should stop by next week
and I’ll cook you up a pig or
somethin’. It’s got one of those
rotary things on it--
BERT
Rotisserie. It’s a rotisserie, some
people call it a spit.
BOSS-MAN
(scoffs)
On the pig? Why would anybody spit
on a pig?
(walks off)
Commoners.
Boss-Man exits and closes the door behind him.
Nestor approaches with a bucket full of supplies.
NESTOR
Fuck that nigga’.
10.

Bert shoots Nestor a look.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
I said, “a”, not “er”.
BERT
I don’t ever wanna hear you say
that again.
(to Dale)
And you better not even think it.
(beat)
Let’s get to work.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Boss-Man meets with Bert, Nestor, and Dale in a deserted office building, giving them a deadline to clean up by 8 o'clock. There is banter between the characters, with Bert expressing his desire to increase his stake in the company. A conflict arises between Nestor and Boss-Man over a comment about Nestor's wife, which is resolved. The scene ends with Boss-Man giving Bert a $100 bill as a 4th of July gift before leaving the office building.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too confrontational or aggressive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the dynamics between the characters, introduces conflict, and establishes a tense atmosphere. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities well.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of workplace power dynamics and tensions is well-executed, with a focus on character interactions and conflicts. The scene effectively sets up the overarching themes of the screenplay.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters are given a task by Boss-Man, setting up potential conflicts and challenges. The scene sets the stage for future developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and conflicts, such as the power struggle between Boss-Man and the employees, and the witty banter between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and interactions. Each character has a distinct personality and role within the group, setting up potential conflicts and alliances.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential growth and development in the characters as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal is to assert himself and potentially increase his stake in the company. This reflects his desire for recognition, respect, and financial security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to clean up the office building and meet the deadline set by Boss-Man. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to maintain their jobs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with underlying tensions, power struggles, and confrontations, creating a high level of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising between characters and the challenge of meeting the deadline set by Boss-Man. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively high as the characters are given a deadline and a task by Boss-Man, setting up potential consequences for their actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts, setting up tasks for the characters, and establishing the dynamics between them. It lays the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters and the shifting power dynamics. The audience is left wondering how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Boss-Man's dismissive attitude towards his employees and their desire for fair treatment and respect. This challenges the protagonist's values of fairness and dignity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the characters, including defiance, sarcasm, and amusement. The tension and confrontations add depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' motivations and relationships. It drives the scene forward and establishes the tone and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the tension between the characters. The humor and conflict keep the audience interested and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay. The dialogue is properly formatted and the scene directions are concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the tone of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with dialogue that feels disjointed and lacks cohesion.
  • The banter between the characters, especially Boss-Man, comes off as forced and unnatural, detracting from the authenticity of the scene.
  • There are too many characters introduced in a short span of time, making it difficult for the audience to connect with each one.
  • The dynamics between the characters are unclear and the conflicts are not well-established, leading to a lack of emotional investment from the audience.
  • The scene feels cluttered with unnecessary details and interactions, making it challenging to follow the main plotline and character motivations.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue to focus on key interactions and conflicts between the characters.
  • Clarify the relationships and dynamics between the characters to enhance the audience's understanding and engagement.
  • Consider reducing the number of characters in the scene to allow for more depth and development of the main characters.
  • Ensure that the dialogue feels natural and authentic, avoiding forced banter and unnecessary exchanges.
  • Focus on establishing clear goals and motivations for each character to drive the scene forward and maintain audience interest.



Scene 4 -  Office Dance Routine
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Boss-Man produces his iPhone and dials while crossing to his
sportscar.
BOSS-MAN
(into phone)
It’s me.
(beat)
We’re good.
(beat)
Stop worryin’. I said, we’re good.
Boss-Man hangs up the phone and opens his car door, but not
before he watches two YOUNG BOYS light a firecracker and
sprint a few feet away in the adjacent lot.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The Young Boys smile as they cover their ears.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
(to Boys)
It’s a little early, don’t you
think?!
Boss-Man smiles and hops in his car and speeds away.
MUSIC CUE: “I get around” Tupac Shakur

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER
A large Bluetooth speaker thumps as Tupac’s voice echoes
throughout the building.
ANGLE ON: Nestor, wearing rubber gloves and clutching a
cleaning solution bottle and a sponge.
11.

NESTOR
(raps)
Oh yeah...still clownin’ with the
Underground, when they come
around...
What ensues is a choreographed routine that should rival a
90’s rap concert and dance party with the three men as they
clean, mop and sweep the office. The scene should be full of
energy and excitement, openly displaying the love and
friendship they’ve shared while working.
BERT
(raps)
...now you can tell from my
everyday fits I ain’t rich so cease
and desist with those tricks. I’m
just another black man caught up in
the mix tryin’ to make a dollar out
of fifteen cents...
Dale, dancing a few feet away with a mop, spins before he
sits in an office chair and rolls across the floor.
DALE
(raps)
...what’s up love, how ya’ doin’,
well I’ve been hangin’ sangin’
tryin’ to do my thang, but you
heard I was bangin’ your homegirl
you went to school with...
The dancing continues as Tupac goes into the final verse.
Suddenly light streams into the office as an attractive
unknown African-American woman enters, casually dressed, and
watches them dance around for a few beats before Bert
notices.
Her name is MINA (44), light complexion, well dressed,
curvaceous with defined arms.
BERT
Turn off the music. Nestor!
Nestor and Dale, still dancing about, turn and see the woman
watching them. Nestor produces his phone and stops the music.
BERT (CONT’D)
May we help you?
MINA
I’m looking for my husband,
Reginald. Is he here?
BERT
Are you talkin’ about, Boss-Man?
12.

MINA
You know exactly who I’m talking
about...Bert.
DALE
He left about twenty-minutes ago.
MINA
Did he say where he was headed?
The three men exchange another glance.
NESTOR
He didn’t say.
Mina, skeptical, eyes the men.
MINA
Okay. Well, if he comes back,
please tell him I was here.
Mina turns and walks off, revealing her shapely figure.
They watch as she opens the door and exits the office.
NESTOR
I’d like to get around on her.
DALE
(daps Nestor)
You got that right.
BERT
That’s a man’s wife. Show some
respect.
NESTOR
I saw you checkin’ her--
BERT
(checks watch)
I was not checkin’ her. Let’s get
back to work.
They return to their mop, broom and sponge.
DALE
Nestor’s right, Dale. You was all
up in her business.
BERT
Okay, if you must know, we went to
school together.
NESTOR
Did you hit it back then? You know,
slip her the D?
13.

BERT
Shut up and turn the music back on
before I slip you some D.
NESTOR
You know I don’t get down like
that.
(to Dale)
No offense.
Dale chuckles at first, then...
DALE
Wait...what?
Dale turns to Nestor just as he presses play on his
smartphone, drowning out Dale’s response.
MUSIC CUE: “I get around”
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Musical"]

Summary Boss-Man leaves the office building after a phone call and sees young boys lighting firecrackers. Inside, Nestor, Bert, and Dale have a choreographed dance routine while cleaning. Mina interrupts them looking for Boss-Man, but leaves when they inform her he's not there. The scene ends with the men returning to work.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Unique setting and concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential stereotypical portrayal of female character

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and sets up potential conflicts and character dynamics effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dance party in an office setting adds a unique and entertaining element to the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of Mina and the potential conflict surrounding Boss-Man's relationship with her.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to workplace dynamics by incorporating rap music and dance, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and dynamics that are showcased through their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, but the dynamics between the characters are established.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain professionalism and respect in the workplace, despite distractions and personal desires.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the unexpected visit from Mina and maintain a professional demeanor.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly introduced with the arrival of Mina and the implications of her relationship with Boss-Man.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene adds tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are moderate, mainly revolving around the potential conflict between Boss-Man and Mina.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing potential conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected visit from Mina and the tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between personal desires and professional ethics evident in this scene. The characters struggle with maintaining respect and boundaries while also being tempted by personal attractions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly through the potential conflict introduced with Mina's arrival.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals information about the characters' relationships and backgrounds.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the lively dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and unexpected plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression of events and character interactions, fitting the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The transition from Boss-Man leaving the office building to the choreographed dance routine feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between the two sequences.
  • The introduction of Mina as an unknown character watching the men dance is intriguing, but her entrance and interaction with the men could be more seamlessly integrated into the scene.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially regarding Mina and her relationship with Boss-Man, feels forced and lacks subtlety. It could benefit from more nuance and depth.
  • The tone of the scene shifts from light-hearted and energetic during the dance routine to more serious and tense when Mina enters. This tonal inconsistency could be smoothed out for better flow.
  • The dialogue between the characters, particularly the banter between Nestor, Dale, and Bert, could be more natural and less on-the-nose. It feels a bit forced and could be more organic.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between Boss-Man leaving and the dance routine to make it more seamless and logical.
  • Integrate Mina's entrance and interaction with the men more smoothly into the scene to avoid a jarring shift in tone.
  • Refine the dialogue between the characters to add depth and nuance, especially in the interactions involving Mina and her relationship with Boss-Man.
  • Work on maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene, ensuring a smooth flow from the energetic dance routine to the more serious interaction with Mina.
  • Focus on making the dialogue between the characters more natural and organic, avoiding forced banter and on-the-nose exchanges.



Scene 5 -  Dusk Departure
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY TO NIGHT
TIME LAPSE of the skyline and the office building as the sun
moves from east to west, long shadows, along with an increase
of fireworks in the b.g. as day turns to night.
MUSIC CONTINUES: “I get around”

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DUSK
Bert, Nestor and Dale, clutching their belongings, cross to
the front door.
In the b.g. we see a neat and tidy office space.
MUSIC ENDS:
BERT
(checks watch)
6:30...we did it with an hour and a
half to spare.
DALE NESTOR
Time for drinks-- Hell yea...

Bert opens the office door and they exit.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER - DUSK
Nestor and Dale cross to their mini-van. Bert locks the door
and crosses to them.
14.

NESTOR
(to Bert)
Throw your stuff in the back.
BERT
You guys go ahead and go. I’m goin’
home to get some rest, spend some
time with my wife.
We see and hear fireworks in the b.g.
Dale, closing the sliding side door, turns to Bert.
DALE
Are you sure? Boss-Man thinks
you’re too uptight.
BERT
Do you think I care what he thinks?
(walks off)
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
NESTOR
C’mon, at least let me give you a
ride home.
BERT NESTOR (CONT’D)
I’ll take the bus-- Get in the van, Bert.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary As the skyline transitions from day to night, Bert, Nestor, and Dale leave the office building at dusk. Bert decides to go home instead of joining the others for drinks, leading to a conflict that is resolved when Bert insists on taking the bus home. The scene ends with Bert walking off to catch the bus while Nestor and Dale head to their van.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Humorous elements
  • Unique choreographed dance routine
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of conflict with Boss-Man
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, character interactions, and a sense of camaraderie. The choreographed dance routine adds a fun and unexpected twist, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around showcasing the characters' daily routines, interactions, and a touch of humor. The choreographed dance routine adds a creative element to the otherwise mundane task of cleaning.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters completing a cleaning job, preparing to celebrate the Fourth of July, and Bert's decision to go home instead of joining his colleagues for drinks. The conflict between Bert and Boss-Man adds depth to the plot.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the common theme of work-life balance, focusing on the protagonist's personal choices and priorities in a relatable and engaging way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and each has a distinct personality. Bert is portrayed as responsible and focused, while Nestor and Dale are more laid-back. Boss-Man's absence and Bert's decision to go home add layers to the characters.

Character Changes: 5

Bert's decision to go home instead of joining his colleagues for drinks shows a subtle shift in his priorities and independence.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to prioritize spending time with his wife and taking care of himself, despite the pressure from his boss and colleagues to socialize.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to go home and rest, choosing to prioritize his personal life over socializing with his coworkers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict between Bert and Boss-Man is hinted at but not fully explored in this scene. The tension adds depth to the characters' relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing pressure from his colleagues to socialize and conform to their boss's expectations, creating conflict and drama.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and daily routines. However, Bert's decision to prioritize his personal life over work hints at potential future conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters' daily routines, relationships, and conflicts. Bert's decision sets up potential future conflicts with Boss-Man.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's decision to prioritize his personal life over socializing with his colleagues goes against expectations and adds tension to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Bert's desire to prioritize his personal life and self-care, and his colleagues' pressure to socialize and conform to their boss's expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of camaraderie and friendship among the characters. Bert's decision to go home adds a touch of emotion as he prioritizes his personal life over work.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reflects the characters' personalities. Bert's response to Dale's comment about Boss-Man shows his independence and self-assurance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the relatable struggle between work obligations and personal priorities, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the protagonist makes a crucial decision, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a character-driven workplace drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The transition from day to night with a time lapse of the skyline and office building is visually appealing and sets the tone for the scene.
  • The dialogue between Bert, Nestor, and Dale feels natural and reflects their camaraderie.
  • Bert's decision to go home instead of joining the others for drinks adds depth to his character and hints at his priorities.
  • The mention of Boss-Man thinking Bert is too uptight adds a layer of tension and conflict that could be further explored.
  • The scene effectively conveys the end of the workday and the characters' different plans for the evening.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a bit more subtext to Bert's decision to go home - perhaps hint at his strained relationship with his wife or his desire to distance himself from Boss-Man.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters further - delve into the reasons behind Boss-Man's perception of Bert and how it affects their interactions.
  • Introduce a subtle hint of foreshadowing or conflict that can be developed in future scenes to add depth to the narrative.
  • Consider incorporating more visual elements to enhance the transition from day to night and create a more immersive setting.
  • Ensure that the dialogue continues to reveal character traits and motivations while moving the plot forward.



Scene 6 -  The Mini-Van Banter
INT. MINI-VAN - LATER - NIGHT
Nestor drives. Bert sits in the passenger seat with a bouquet
of flowers on his lap. Dale sits in the rear.
They pass a group of YOUNG KIDS with sparklers on the corner.
BERT
(re: flowers)
Thanks for stoppin’ off.
NESTOR
No problem.
(beat)
Are you and Felicia...
BERT
No, we’re good. This is called a
‘just because’ bouquet.
DALE
Just because, what?
NESTOR
Just because he loves her you
stupid ass cracker.
15.

The mini-van pulls over to the curb.
BERT
What’s with you and race? You
called Boss-Man a nigga, with an
“a”, and now you just called Dale a
cracka”--
DALE
He used the hard “er”, not the “a.”
BERT
What are you, exactly? Your race?
NESTOR
My mom is Filipino, but my dad is
half Mexican with a little
Vietnamese from my grandmother’s
side.
BERT
(pause)
So you’re a Mexican gook from the
Philippines?
Bert laughs.
DALE
(laughs)
Is that Mexican gook-er or gook-a?
Bert, chuckling, opens the van door and climbs out, careful
not to damage the bouquet.
BERT
(to Nestor/wink)
I didn’t hurt your feelings, did I?
NESTOR
Fuck you, Bert. I ain’t givin’ you
shit if we win.
Dale tries to climb into the front seat, but Nestor
physically keeps him in the rear.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
You’re not sittin’ up here with me.
Nestor slams the van into gear and punches the gas.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Nestor drives the mini-van with Bert and Dale as passengers. They discuss Bert's flowers, race, and Nestor's mixed heritage. Bert gets out of the van, and Nestor refuses to let Dale sit in the front seat, leading to unresolved conflict. The tone is light-hearted with humorous banter among the characters.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, confrontation, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining interaction.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring race, relationships, and humor in a casual setting is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions and dialogue, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring race and identity through humor and banter, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, but it sets up potential developments and conflicts for future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his composure and not let the racially charged banter affect him. This reflects his need to assert his identity and not be defined by others' perceptions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain control of the situation and assert his dominance over the other characters. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating racial tensions and maintaining his authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild level of conflict present in the scene, primarily through the confrontational dialogue and banter among the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters challenging each other's beliefs and identities, creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and humor than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing character dynamics, potential conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' dialogue and actions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on race and identity. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about how he is perceived and treated based on his heritage.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and light-hearted banter than emotional depth, but there are hints of underlying tensions and dynamics.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty banter, tension, and humor that keeps the audience invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing tension, humor, and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character dynamics and progression of conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels forced and unnatural, particularly the racial comments and jokes made by the characters. It comes across as insensitive and unnecessary, detracting from the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • The character interactions lack depth and authenticity, with Bert's response to Nestor's mixed heritage feeling contrived and out of place. The humor falls flat and doesn't add to the scene's development or the characters' relationships.
  • The transition from light-hearted banter to Nestor physically keeping Dale in the rear seat feels abrupt and disjointed. The shift in tone is jarring and doesn't flow smoothly within the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, with the focus on race and humor overshadowing any meaningful character development or plot progression. It feels like a filler moment that doesn't contribute significantly to the overall story.
  • The dynamics between the characters, particularly Bert, Nestor, and Dale, could be explored in a more nuanced and meaningful way. Building on their relationships and motivations would add depth and complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and relevant to the characters' personalities and the overall tone of the screenplay. Avoid using racial stereotypes or insensitive jokes that may alienate or offend readers.
  • Focus on developing the characters' relationships and conflicts in a more organic and engaging manner. Explore their motivations, backgrounds, and dynamics to create a more compelling and cohesive scene.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or revealing important information about the characters. Streamline the interactions and dialogue to maintain a consistent tone and narrative flow.
  • Consider incorporating subtle humor or wit that aligns with the characters' personalities and the overall themes of the screenplay. Balance the comedic elements with emotional depth and character growth to enhance the scene's impact.
  • Revisit the scene's structure and pacing to ensure a smooth transition between different tones and character interactions. Strive for coherence and continuity in the dialogue and actions to maintain the audience's engagement.



Scene 7 -  Betrayal and Retaliation
EXT. CITY STREET / BERT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Bert watches the mini-van pull away.
BANG!!!
16.

An M-80 firecracker explodes across the street. Bert ducks as
if being shot at.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN teenagers scatter, laughing and cheering the
explosion.
After a beat, Bert turns and crosses to his modest one-story
home. He crosses to the front porch and climbs the stairs
while reaching for his keys.
PHSSSSYTTT!
The porch is lit by a screaming green firework that shoots
into the sky and spins around.
Bert turns and watches as the teenagers cheer with
excitement.
But wait...what is that?
Under where the green firework emanated, about two houses
down and parked across the street, is Boss-Man’s Corvette.
Bert steps away from the door and eyes the Corvette in the
shadows as we...
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING
Boss-Man turns to Bert.
BOSS-MAN
(smile)
My man, Bert.
(beat)
How’s your beautiful wife doin’?
END FLASHBACK:

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert turns away from the Corvette and eyes the front door.

INT. UNKNOWN CAR A BLOCK AWAY - CONTINUOUS
From an UNKNOWN PERSON’s POV in a car, we watch Bert pause in
front of his front door before he enters.
17.

INT. BERT’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bert enters quietly and softly closes the front door before
putting down his belongings and the bouquet.
He looks around the living room to see several candles
burning in the dimly lit room and the glow of the television.
Ring...Bert’s phone rings.
RING TONE: “I get around” Tupac
The caller ID reads: Nestor
He discards the call and suspiciously eyes the bedroom door,
slightly ajar, and dimly lit with candles.
He takes a few steps towards the bedroom and we begin to hear
the faint sounds of sex, which grows louder with each step.
Bert reaches the door and slowly opens it to reveal his wife,
Felicia, sitting atop of Boss-Man, who has his hands around
her hips.
BOSS-MAN
(to Felicia)
Is this my pussy?
FELICIA
Yes...yes...
Bert, angered, watches for a few more beats before he backs
away from the door and returns to the living room.
His anger is palpable. The hurt and anguish is deafening as
Bert silently contains the rage building inside of him. The
fireworks continue to pop sporadically outside.
Bert, eyes welling, glances around the room, picks up a
pillow on the sofa and shoves it into his mouth to silence
his guttural screams.
Ring...Bert’s phone rings.
RING TONE: “I get around” Tupac
The caller ID reads: Nestor
Bert silences his phone again and drops it on the sofa.
After a couple more beats, Bert eyes an end table next to the
sofa. He quietly crosses to it, opens the drawer, and reaches
for a handgun resting inside.
The sounds of fireworks outside grows just before we hear the
loud booms of two M-80s. BOOM! BOOM!
18.

Bert, tears drip from his nose, crosses to the bedroom door.
He peers into the room, raises his gun...and then after a
couple tense beats, lowers the gun and takes a step back.
Fireworks crackle and bang in the b.g.
Suddenly a shot rings out and a muzzle flares in the dimly
lit bedroom.
BANG!
Bert is grazed with a bullet to the shoulder. He stammers
back, before raising his gun and firing indiscriminately into
the bedroom.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Bert witnesses a firecracker explosion by African-American teenagers, then discovers Boss-Man's Corvette parked nearby. He enters his home to find candles lit and his wife having sex with Boss-Man. Bert struggles with anger and hurt, eventually grabbing a handgun and firing shots into the bedroom.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a strong emotional resonance and a gripping plot that keeps the audience engaged throughout. The combination of betrayal, infidelity, and violence adds layers of complexity and tension to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal and infidelity leading to a violent confrontation is executed with skill and intensity, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression from the initial setup to the explosive climax. The revelation of the affair and the subsequent confrontation add depth and tension to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of betrayal and revenge, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their emotions are palpable, especially Bert's sense of betrayal and anger. The interactions between the characters drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Bert undergoes a significant emotional transformation, from initial shock and betrayal to a moment of intense anger and violence. The scene marks a turning point in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to confront the betrayal of his wife and the anger and hurt he feels as a result. It reflects his need for justice and closure in the face of betrayal.

External Goal: 8

Bert's external goal is to confront Boss-Man and potentially seek revenge for the betrayal he has witnessed. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the situation at hand.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving emotional, personal, and physical confrontations that drive the narrative forward and heighten the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bert facing betrayal, anger, and potential violence, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the revelation of infidelity leading to a violent confrontation that has serious consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing a crucial plot point - the affair between Felicia and Boss-Man - and setting up further conflicts and developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how Bert will react to the betrayal he has witnessed.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between loyalty and betrayal, trust and deceit. Bert's values and beliefs are challenged by the actions of his wife and Boss-Man.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is emotionally devastating, with a high level of impact that resonates with the audience. The portrayal of betrayal, anger, and heartbreak elicits strong emotions and creates a memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions effectively. The sparse but powerful lines enhance the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, suspenseful action, and dramatic revelations, keeping the audience invested in Bert's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, emotional beats, and action sequences that contribute to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a revelation of betrayal, and a climax of action and conflict, fitting the expected format for a dramatic scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a dramatic moment with Bert witnessing the firecracker explosion and then discovering Boss-Man's Corvette parked nearby.
  • The use of flashbacks to Boss-Man's comment about Bert's wife adds depth to the scene and hints at a potential motive for Bert's actions.
  • The visual descriptions of the fireworks and the dimly lit living room create a vivid and atmospheric setting for the unfolding events.
  • The dialogue between Boss-Man and Felicia in the bedroom adds to the emotional intensity of the scene and highlights the betrayal Bert is experiencing.
  • The escalation of Bert's emotions, from anger to hurt to rage, is well portrayed through his actions and reactions.
  • The use of Tupac's song as a ringtone adds a layer of irony and symbolism to the scene, enhancing the overall impact.
  • The scene effectively conveys Bert's internal struggle and turmoil through his silent actions and the visual cues of tears and guttural screams.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or voiceover from Bert to provide insight into his thoughts and feelings during the intense moments.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating more sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene, such as describing the smell of the candles or the sound of the fireworks outside.
  • To further develop the tension and suspense, consider adding moments of hesitation or contemplation for Bert before he takes drastic actions.
  • Ensure that the resolution of this scene sets up a clear direction for the next scenes and maintains the momentum of the story.
  • Consider revisiting the dialogue between Bert, Felicia, and Boss-Man to ensure it effectively conveys the emotional dynamics and motivations of the characters.



Scene 8 -  Reactions to Gunshots and Powerball Win
EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
The KIDS, TEENS and a few ADULTS outside, react to the sudden
pops that don’t quite sound like fireworks.
TEEN
Somebody’s shootin’.

INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina, Boss-Man’s wife, the unknown person watching, sits
quietly in her car, parked a few cars behind his Corvette.
She too hears the gunshots, and rolls down her window.
Two TEENAGE GIRLS, cross the street in front of her car.
MINA
(to girls)
Were those gunshots?
TEENAGE GIRL
Probably. They’re always shootin’
around here.
The two girls walk off as Mina rolls up her window and checks
her purse to reveal a silver handgun next to her wallet.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert, still standing in the doorway to the bedroom, drops the
gun and returns to the living room.
Emotionally tortured, he sits on the sofa and sobs.
19.

After a few beats, the silence is broken:
RING TONE: “I get around” Tupac
Bert, still distraught, eyes the cell phone flickering a foot
away from him on the sofa.
He picks it up and answers.
BERT
(into phone)
It’s not a good time, Nestor.

INT. LOCAL BAR - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale sit at a bar, in front of a television with
the Powerball numbers on the screen. PATRONS mill about.
NESTOR
(into phone)
What do you mean it’s not a good
time? We’re comin’ over!
Dale leans into Nestor.
DALE
(whispers)
Tell him we won.
BERT (O.S.)
What’d he say?
A BARTENDER crosses to them with an empty plastic zip-lock
baggie.
BARTENDER
Will this work?
NESTOR
(to Bartender)
Perfect.
Nestor waits for the Bartender to walk off.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
(whispers into phone)
We got here just as they put the
numbers up and guess what? We won
the Powerball. We did it. It was
your numbers too. Your fuckin’
numbers came up.
BERT (O.S.)
We won?
20.

NESTOR
We’re on our way.
DALE
Be there in five!
Nestor abruptly hangs up the phone and locks eyes with Dale.
They embrace.
DALE (CONT’D)
(tearful)
I’m gonna buy my mom a house.
Nestor places the Powerball ticket in the zip-lock baggie.
NESTOR
(smile)
Buy her two...and a fuckin’ yacht.
(beat)
Let’s go.
Nestor and Dale hurriedly cross to the EXIT.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Various characters react to gunshots in a city street, with Mina revealing a handgun in her car. Bert, emotionally distraught, receives a call from Nestor and Dale who inform him they won the Powerball. The tension and fear from the gunshots contrast with the excitement of the Powerball win, leaving unresolved emotional turmoil for Bert.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shifts in tone
  • Lack of resolution for some plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the use of gunshots, a Powerball win, and a marital betrayal. The dialogue and character reactions enhance the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character discovering a betrayal while dealing with the aftermath of gunshots and a sudden lottery win is unique and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of unexpected events that keep the audience engaged. The revelation of the affair, the Powerball win, and the gunshots create a compelling narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on familiar themes of violence and luck, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the events in the scene are realistic and emotionally charged. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Bert undergoes a significant character change, from initial shock and hurt to anger and action. His emotional journey drives the scene forward and sets up future conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to deal with emotional turmoil and distress, as seen through Bert's reaction to the gunshots and his subsequent breakdown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to communicate with Nestor and Dale about winning the Powerball, showcasing a moment of unexpected joy amidst the chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the revelation of the affair, the gunshots, and the Powerball win creating tension and drama. The characters are faced with difficult choices and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and external challenges adding layers of complexity to the characters' journeys.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing betrayal, violence, and unexpected fortune. The consequences of their actions have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key plot points, character motivations, and conflicts. It sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shifts in tone and the characters' surprising actions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of violence and luck, as seen through the gunshots and the characters' excitement over winning the lottery.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the characters experiencing sadness, shock, and hope. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the plot forward. It captures the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its mix of tension, emotion, and unexpected twists, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with moments of relief, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for its genre, making it easy to follow and engaging for readers.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the intense moment of Bert firing shots into the bedroom to various characters reacting to gunshots in a city street, which may disrupt the flow of the narrative.
  • The introduction of Mina in her car with a handgun feels disconnected from the previous events and could benefit from a smoother transition or clearer connection to the main storyline.
  • The dialogue between the teenage girls and Mina lacks depth and could be more impactful to enhance the tension and suspense of the scene.
  • Bert's emotional turmoil and subsequent phone call with Nestor could be further developed to delve deeper into his state of mind and the consequences of his actions.
  • The interaction between Nestor, Dale, and the bartender at the local bar feels rushed and could be expanded to build more anticipation and excitement around their Powerball win.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between Bert's emotional moment and the introduction of Mina to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Mina and the teenage girls to add more tension and intrigue to the scene.
  • Expand on Bert's emotional turmoil and the phone call with Nestor to provide more insight into his character and the impact of his actions.
  • Develop the interaction at the local bar to build anticipation and excitement around the Powerball win, adding depth to the characters' reactions.
  • Ensure that each element introduced in the scene contributes cohesively to the overall storyline and character development.



Scene 9 -  Hidden Gun
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert, in dis-belief, eyes his phone and the picture of him
and his wife, Felicia, embraced, on the screensaver.
BERT
(utters)
We won...
He then turns to the bedroom door and sees the gun resting on
the floor.

INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina, sits in her car, picks up her iPhone and checks
Reginald’s (Boss-Man) location. The phone is still in the
house across the street.
MINA
(utters)
If you’re not coming out, I’m
coming in.
Mina retrieves her purse, checks the mirror, freshens up her
make-up, and then pulls the door handle, just as the living
room lights in Bert’s house are turned on.
She pauses for a beat and then closes the car door and waits.
21.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The room is lit as Bert paces the floor, phone to his ear.
BERT
(utters)
Pick up pick up...
NESTOR (V.O.)
This is Nestor. I’m out the nest.
Leave a message.
Beep.
BERT
Nestor, don’t come over. I’ll see
you guys tomorrow and explain. Me
and Felicia are dead, I mean,
dealin’ with a few things...it’s
not a good time.
Bert checks his analog watch, it reads: 7:45

INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina checks the clock on her dash, it reads: 7:45
MINA
(utters)
I’m givin’ you five more minutes.
Headlights illuminate the cab of her car. She looks up to see
a mini-van turn into Bert’s driveway. Nestor and Dale hop out
and rush to the front door.
Mina’s cell phone rings.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert, apprehensive, stands in the bedroom doorway, peering
into the dimly lit room.
After a couple beats, he reaches for the light switch.
POUND! POUND! POUND!
Startled, he turns to the living room.
BERT
Shit.
He takes a step, but then quickly turns back and closes the
bedroom door before crossing to the living room.
22.

BERT (CONT’D)
Who is it?
Bert takes one more glance at the bedroom door and catches
another glimpse of the gun on the floor.
NESTOR (O.S.)
It’s us! Open the door.
BERT
Just a minute.
Bert quickly crosses to the gun, picks it up and places it
back into the end table drawer.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Bert is shocked to see a picture of him and his wife on his phone, then notices a gun on the floor. Mina waits in her car while Nestor and Dale arrive at Bert's house. Bert tries to hide the gun before letting Nestor and Dale in, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic confrontation. The emotional impact is strong, and the plot twist adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of revealing secrets and confronting betrayal is well-executed in this scene. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and filled with twists and turns, especially with the revelation of infidelity and the characters' reactions to it.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic suspenseful thriller genre by blending domestic settings with criminal elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, adding depth to the scene. Their reactions feel authentic and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, particularly Bert, who experiences a range of intense emotions from disbelief to anger.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and his wife, Felicia, from potential harm. His fear of the gun and the unexpected visitors adds to his internal conflict and desire to keep his loved ones safe.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to handle the situation with Nestor and Dale without revealing too much information or putting himself in danger. He wants to maintain control of the situation and protect his secrets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices, conflicting loyalties, and unexpected obstacles. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the challenges ahead.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters confront betrayal, infidelity, and the consequences of their actions, leading to a tense and dramatic confrontation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and their relationships, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motives, unexpected arrivals, and tense confrontations. The audience is left guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of loyalty and trust. Bert is torn between his loyalty to his friends and his desire to protect himself and his wife. This conflict challenges his beliefs about friendship and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly shock, anger, and sadness, as the characters confront betrayal and infidelity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the plot forward. It adds tension and conflict to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, well-developed characters, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the conflict will unfold.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining suspense, and creating a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller, with a buildup of tension, dramatic reveals, and cliffhanger moments. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Bert in disbelief after seeing a picture of him and his wife on his phone, but the transition to him noticing the gun on the floor feels abrupt and disconnected.
  • The dialogue between Bert and Nestor on the phone lacks depth and emotion, making it difficult for the audience to fully connect with Bert's state of mind.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with Bert quickly trying to hide the gun before letting Nestor and Dale in, without fully exploring the emotional impact of the situation.
  • The tension and suspense build-up could be enhanced by adding more internal monologue or visual cues to convey Bert's inner turmoil and decision-making process.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion or payoff.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to flow more smoothly from Bert's initial shock to his decision to hide the gun, allowing for a more natural progression of events.
  • Add more emotional depth to Bert's interactions with Nestor on the phone, showcasing his internal struggle and conflicting emotions.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to build tension and suspense, allowing the audience to fully experience Bert's dilemma and the stakes involved.
  • Include more visual cues and internal monologue to convey Bert's thought process and emotional journey, enhancing the audience's engagement with the scene.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution or cliffhanger to the scene to leave the audience intrigued and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 10 -  Confrontation and Dilemma
EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale stand at the front door.
NESTOR
Stop fuckin’ around and open the
door, Bert.
Dale knocks again.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert leans into the door.
BERT
I left you a message. It’s not a
good time. Me and Felicia are--
NESTOR (O.S.)
Are what, happy?
DALE (O.S.)
C’mon, open the door, Bert.
Bert pauses for a moment and then opens the front door.
Nestor and Dale push their way inside. Bert closes the door.
MINA (O.S.)
Why’re you crying?

INT. MINA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina’s on the phone.
YOUNG WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
I feel bad. I shouldn’t of put that
app on his phone.
23.

MINA
Who is this?
TANYA (O.S.)
It’s Tanya at Network Wireless.
What if he finds out?
MINA
He’ll never know unless you tell
him.
TANYA (O.S.)
I know, but I feel bad--
MINA
Then give back the two-hundred
dollars.
Pregnant pause.
TANYA (O.S.)
I spent it.
MINA
So why are you calling me?
She hangs up and checks Reginald’s location again. Same.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Nestor and Dale confront Bert at his house, demanding to be let in. Bert hesitates but eventually allows them inside. Meanwhile, Mina is in her car talking to Tanya from Network Wireless about a moral dilemma involving an app on someone's phone. The scene is tense and secretive, with unresolved conflicts between the characters.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Emotionally resonant character interactions
  • Compelling plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through its dramatic events and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, secrets, and emotional turmoil is well-executed in the scene, creating a compelling narrative that explores the complexities of human relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the revelation of infidelity, the discovery of hidden secrets, and the escalating conflict between characters, leading to a high-stakes and emotionally charged climax.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh conflicts and emotional dynamics, making it stand out in terms of authenticity and character development.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their reactions to the events in the scene feel authentic and emotionally resonant, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes and revelations in the scene, particularly Bert who experiences a range of emotions from shock and hurt to anger and betrayal.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront Bert about his relationship with Felicia and possibly uncover the reason for his emotional state.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to gain entry into Bert's house and have a conversation with him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as characters grapple with betrayal, infidelity, and hidden secrets, leading to a high-stakes and emotionally charged confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The scene has high stakes as characters confront betrayal, infidelity, and hidden secrets, leading to a dramatic and emotionally charged climax.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key plot points, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around honesty and guilt, as characters struggle with their actions and their consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion as characters navigate through unexpected revelations and betrayals.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, emotion, and conflict between characters, enhancing the dramatic impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, emotional stakes, and unresolved conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, making it easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the audience slightly disoriented as to the immediate context of Nestor and Dale's arrival at Bert's house.
  • The dialogue between Nestor, Dale, and Bert feels a bit rushed and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to delve into the emotional turmoil Bert is experiencing after the previous events.
  • The introduction of Mina's phone conversation in her car feels disjointed and disconnected from the main action of Nestor and Dale entering Bert's house, causing a break in the narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Mina and Tanya lacks relevance to the main plot and feels like a distraction, taking away from the tension of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact and build tension, such as close-ups of Bert's conflicted expression or the intensity of Nestor and Dale's entrance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief recap or transition at the beginning of the scene to clarify the immediate context of Nestor and Dale's arrival at Bert's house.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Nestor, Dale, and Bert to delve deeper into Bert's emotional state and the tension between the characters.
  • Integrate Mina's phone conversation more seamlessly into the scene or consider moving it to a different moment to maintain the focus on Nestor, Dale, and Bert's interaction.
  • Ensure that all dialogue and actions in the scene directly contribute to the main plot and character development, avoiding unnecessary distractions.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling elements in the scene to heighten the emotional impact and maintain the tension, providing a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 11 -  The Powerball Win
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Nestor sits on the sofa. Dale stands.
NESTOR
So where is she?
(off Bert’s pause)
Felicia, where she at?
BERT
She’s in the bedroom.
DALE
Does she know yet?
BERT
No--
NESTOR
Felicia! Come on out here! Bert’s
got somethin’ he needs to tell you!
BERT
Shhh! She’s asleep. She’s not
feeling well.
24.

DALE
(smile)
She’ll wake up for this...
Dale starts to cross to the bedroom, but Bert cuts him off.
BERT
I’ll tell her in the morning.
Nestor curiously eyes the burning candles and then Bert.
NESTOR
(re: candles)
Are you having a séance in here or
did we interrupt somethin’?
DALE
(smile)
They were probably doing it right
there on that sofa.
Dale chuckles. Nestor eyes the sofa, then stands.
BERT
Why don’t we talk about this in the
morning?
NESTOR
In the morning? We just won the
Powerball...
(whispers)
...six-hundred and sixty eight
million...
(normal tone)
...and all you can think about is
sleep? You should be jumping
through the fuckin’ roof. We all
should be. Instead it feels like
somebody died up in here.
Pregnant pause as they lock eyes.
BERT
I need to use the bathroom.
A beat later, Bert crosses to the front door and opens it.
DALE
I thought you said you had to use
the bathroom?
BERT
I do.
DALE NESTOR
I don’t understand-- He wants us to leave, Dale.
25.

From Nestor and Dale’s POV we see two KIDS with sparklers
ablaze walking across the street.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
She’s not here, is she?
BERT
Of course she’s here. Where else
would she be?
DALE
(devilish grin)
Maybe it’s someone else? I get
around, right Bert?
Nestor takes a step towards the bedroom. Bert closes the door
and cuts him off.
BERT
I told you she’s sleeping.
NESTOR
(shouts)
Felicia! Yo, Felicia! We just won
six-hundred and sixty-eight
million!
Silence, except for the fireworks in the distance.
BERT
She took a sedative.
Dale crosses to the front door.
DALE
(conspiratorial wink)
C’mon, Nestor, let’s go celebrate.
This guy’s killing my mood.
After a brief pause, Nestor turns and crosses to Dale at the
door. Bert follows.
BERT
Where’s the ticket?
NESTOR
It’s in my pocket.
BERT
Maybe I should keep it? I mean, if
you’re going to drink some more
tonight...we should put it in a
safe place.
Uncomfortable pause, before...
26.

NESTOR
No...I think I’ll hold on to it.
BERT
What? You don’t trust me?
NESTOR
I did before we walked in here.
Pregnant pause, before Bert opens the front door for them.
Dale shoots Nestor a conspiratorial glance.
BERT
I’ll call you tomorrow.
With that, Dale charges the front door between him and Bert,
pinning him against the wall.
DALE
I got him!
BERT
No!
On cue, Nestor sprints to the bedroom door, opens it and
turns on the light.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Nestor, Dale, and Bert are in Bert's house discussing their Powerball win. They try to get Felicia to come out and celebrate, but Bert insists she is asleep. Tension arises as Nestor and Dale leave with the winning ticket, causing conflict between them and Bert.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension and suspense
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Lack of subtlety in some interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, comedy, and suspense to create a compelling and engaging narrative. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a lottery win leading to unexpected revelations and conflicts is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of trust, betrayal, and greed.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the characters' reactions to the lottery win and Bert's discovery of his wife's infidelity. The escalating tension and conflicts propel the story forward and keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the aftermath of winning the lottery, focusing on the interpersonal dynamics and tensions that arise in such a situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions. Bert's emotional turmoil, Nestor's excitement, and Dale's humor add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Bert undergoes a significant emotional change in the scene, from shock and hurt to anger and determination. The revelation of his wife's affair forces him to confront his emotions and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in a situation that is rapidly spiraling out of hand. Bert is trying to keep a secret from his friends and is struggling to navigate the chaos that ensues after winning the lottery.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to keep the fact that Felicia is asleep and unwell a secret from his friends. He wants to avoid any unnecessary drama or excitement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high as Bert grapples with his emotions and the revelation of his wife's affair. The conflict between the characters adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and tensions between the characters that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing life-changing decisions and revelations. The lottery win and the marital betrayal raise the stakes and add tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the revelation of the lottery win and Bert's discovery of his wife's infidelity driving the narrative towards a new direction. The stakes are raised, and the tension escalates.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of trust and loyalty. There is tension between the characters as they navigate the aftermath of winning the lottery and struggle to trust each other with the ticket.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with Bert's emotional turmoil and the revelation of his wife's infidelity evoking sympathy and tension. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' motivations and relationships. The banter between Nestor, Dale, and Bert adds humor and tension to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced dialogue, tense interactions, and the sense of mystery surrounding the characters' motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment where the characters' true intentions are revealed.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension given the high stakes and emotional turmoil of the previous events. The dialogue feels somewhat forced and lacks depth in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. There is a disconnect between the characters' reactions and the gravity of the situation they are in.
  • The transition from the intense emotional climax of Bert discovering his wife's infidelity and firing shots into the bedroom to a casual conversation about winning the Powerball feels jarring and unrealistic. The characters' reactions to the situation seem superficial and do not reflect the emotional impact of the preceding events.
  • The dialogue between the characters lacks authenticity and depth, with some lines coming across as cliched or contrived. The interactions between Bert, Nestor, and Dale feel forced and do not effectively convey the complex emotions and conflicts at play.
  • The scene fails to effectively build on the tension and conflict established in the previous events, resulting in a lackluster and unengaging continuation of the story. The pacing feels off, with the characters' reactions and interactions not aligning with the gravity of the situation they are in.
  • The visual elements and setting are not effectively utilized to enhance the emotional impact of the scene. The lack of visual cues and descriptive details detracts from the immersive quality of the storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, reflecting the characters' internal struggles and conflicts. Focus on conveying the depth of their emotions and motivations through nuanced dialogue.
  • Enhance the sense of urgency and tension in the scene by emphasizing the emotional fallout from the previous events and the high stakes involved. Create a more seamless transition from the intense climax to the aftermath, ensuring that the characters' reactions are in line with the gravity of the situation.
  • Utilize visual cues and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and emotional impact of the scene. Incorporate elements that reflect the characters' internal turmoil and the heightened emotions of the moment.
  • Explore the characters' relationships and dynamics more deeply, delving into their conflicting motivations and emotional states. Develop the interactions between Bert, Nestor, and Dale to reflect the complex web of emotions and tensions at play.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the pacing and flow of the narrative, ensuring that the progression of events aligns with the emotional arc of the story. Focus on building tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.



Scene 12 -  Murderous Revelation
INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina eyes Bert’s front door and the commotion going on
inside. She cranes her neck to get a better view, but then
the front door closes.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Nestor stands in the bedroom doorway, peering into the room.
NESTOR
Oh shit!
Dale stands between Bert and the hallway leading to the
bedroom.
DALE
What is it?

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Nestor eyes Boss-Man’s gun resting on the floor near the bed.
27.

BERT (O.S.)
It’s not what you think...I...
I...came home and...and...
Dale peers into the bedroom over Nestor’s shoulder.
DALE
Is she here?
From Dale’s POV we finally see the backside of Felicia’s
nude, bloody and lifeless body, partially covered by the
sheets.
Boss-Man’s body is hidden from their view.
Nestor attempts to pick up Boss-Man’s gun as Bert enters.
BERT
No. Don’t touch it.
NESTOR
Did you do this?
BERT
I walked in on them and--
NESTOR
Them?
Nestor and Dale slowly cross to the bed and peer over
Felicia’s body to reveal Boss-Man, deceased.
DALE
Oh shit, that’s Boss-Man! What’s he
doing here?
Bert and Nestor shoot him a look.
DALE (CONT’D)
Wait...no way...he’s been screwin’
your--
BERT
(stern/to Dale)
Don’t say it.
NESTOR
I told you he had the hots for her,
but you didn’t have to kill him.
BERT
I wasn’t going to, but then he shot
me...and...and I just shot back.
DALE
Boss-Man shot you?
28.

Bert gestures to the trickle of blood from his shoulder.
BERT
(tears well)
What was I supposed to do?
NESTOR
Kick her ass out and get a divorce.
DALE
You fucked up, Bert. Big-time.
NESTOR
Wait a minute...you said he shot
you first, right?
(off Bert’s nod)
So technically you were just
defending yourself. No judge is
going to throw you in jail for--
DALE
But Bert’s black.
NESTOR
(pause/to Bert)
Oh yea...shit...you’re fucked...
DALE
...but so is, Boss-Man.
NESTOR
That’s right, he’s black too, so
you may be able to get off with a
misdemeanor.
BERT
(beat/to Nestor)
I can’t believe you just said that.
NESTOR
(re: Dale/points)
Blame him.
DALE
Hey, I didn’t make the rules.
NESTOR
Your ancestors did.
DALE
That’s got nothin’ to do with me. I
clean toilets right next to you
assholes, remember?
NESTOR
(beat/to Dale)
We should go.
29.

BERT
Go? You’re not going to help me?
NESTOR
Help you do what, cover it up? I
watch those detective shows and
they always figure it out in 48
hours.
BERT
I’m not asking you to cover it up,
just help me move the bodies--
DALE
We can do that. I’ve got a cousin
with a farm about fifty miles--
NESTOR
(frustrated)
What’d I just say?!
(to Dale)
Don’t you get it? If we move the
bodies, we’re covering it up, which
makes us accomplices.
(beat)
As a matter of fact, by being in
this room our DNA is probably all
over the sheets and the walls.
(covers mouth/to Dale)
Cover your mouth.
Nestor physically forces Dale to cover his mouth with his
hand. A moment later, Bert covers his mouth.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
(to Bert/muffled)
What’re you doing?
BERT
(muffled)
DNA.
NESTOR
(removes his hand)
You fuckin’ live here, Bert!
Bert removes his hand from his mouth.
BERT
Listen, we need to just calm down
and think this through--
NESTOR
We? This is a YOU problem--
A cell phone rings. Ring tone: Naughty by Nature - OPP
30.

BERT
(re: cell phone)
Is that you?
Nester and Dale check their phones...nothing.
DALE
Over there.
Dale eyes a pair of pants and a jacket draped over a chair.
Dale picks up the jacket and carefully removes the ringing
phone from a pocket. On the screen, caller ID, is a glamour
shot of Mina, Boss-Man’s wife.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Mina observes a commotion inside Bert's house from her car. Nestor and Dale discover Felicia's dead body in the bedroom, along with Boss-Man's deceased body. Bert explains that he shot Boss-Man in self-defense. Nestor and Dale debate whether to help Bert cover up the crime. The scene ends with Dale answering a phone call from Mina, revealing her as Boss-Man's wife.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Shocking revelations
  • Emotional impact
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potentially controversial themes
  • Graphic content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense dialogue, shocking revelations, and high stakes. The emotional impact is palpable, and the conflict is well-developed, making it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, consequences, and moral dilemmas is effectively portrayed in the scene. The tension and suspense are well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and decisions.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds dramatically, with a shocking discovery leading to a series of intense confrontations and revelations. The scene advances the story significantly, setting up future conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the crime genre, with complex characters and moral dilemmas that challenge traditional conventions. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions of the characters are unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are compelling. Each character's reactions and decisions reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Bert, whose actions and decisions are driven by the shocking events he witnesses. The scene sets up potential character arcs and developments for future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the moral and ethical dilemmas presented by the discovery of a murder scene involving people close to them. This reflects their struggle with loyalty, guilt, and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to deal with the immediate consequences of the murder scene, including deciding whether to cover up the crime or seek help. This reflects their need to protect themselves and their loved ones.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with emotional, moral, and interpersonal conflicts driving the narrative forward. The characters' conflicting motivations and actions create tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting character motivations and moral dilemmas that create tension and suspense. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with life-and-death consequences for the characters involved. The moral dilemmas, betrayals, and conflicts raise the stakes and intensify the drama, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics that will impact the narrative. The events in the scene have far-reaching consequences for the plot and the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, conflicting character motivations, and moral ambiguity. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about morality, justice, and loyalty. This challenges the protagonist's values and forces them to confront their own biases and prejudices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting strong reactions from the characters and the audience. The shocking discovery, intense confrontations, and emotional turmoil of the characters create a powerful emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense, confrontational, and emotionally charged, driving the scene forward and revealing the characters' inner conflicts. The exchanges between the characters are impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful plot twists, and morally ambiguous characters. The tension keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. It maintains tension and suspense throughout.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and filled with tension, which is effective in creating a sense of urgency and conflict.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels natural and realistic, adding depth to their interactions and emotions.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and help to set the scene and create a clear image in the reader's mind.
  • The moral dilemma faced by the characters adds complexity to the situation and raises questions about loyalty and responsibility.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and leaves the reader wanting to know what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for the characters to further explore their motivations and reactions.
  • Try to vary the pacing of the scene by incorporating moments of reflection or introspection amidst the chaos and tension.
  • Explore the relationships between the characters in more depth to enhance the dynamics and conflicts within the group.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene and enhance the atmosphere.
  • Think about incorporating more subtext and subtle hints to build intrigue and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 13 -  Secrets and Suspicion
INT. MINA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina eyes a picture of Boss-Man on her phone as we hear his
phone ring via the speakerphone.
MINA
(utters)
Answer the phone you cheatin’ son-
of-a-bitch.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Boss-Man’s phone continues to ring.
Bert steps in, takes the phone from Dale, declines the call
and stows the phone in his pocket.
NESTOR
C’mon, Dale, let’s go.
BERT
You can’t just leave me like this.
Nestor and Bert exit the room, followed by Bert.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale cross to the front door.
NESTOR
(turns)
You’re my buddy, Bert, and I love
you like a brother, but your ass is
going to prison.
DALE
Yep. The butt factory for sure.
Nestor and Bert shoot Dale a look.
31.

NESTOR
(to Dale)
Stop talking...please.
BERT
I’ll need my share, Nestor.
Anxious pause as Bert awaits an answer.
NESTOR
You better get a damn good
attorney.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
The men are startled by the loud knock at the front door and
back away.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
(whispers)
Are you expecting someone?
BERT
(whispers)
No.
(beat)
Stay here.
Bert walks softly to the front door.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Mina angrily curses at Boss-Man in her car while Bert takes action to protect him by hiding his phone. Nestor expresses concern about Bert potentially going to prison, while Dale adds humor to the tense situation. The scene ends with a knock at the door, leaving the characters startled and uncertain about who is outside.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex character relationships
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched lines
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and intense, with well-developed characters and high stakes that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, loyalty, and consequences is effectively portrayed through the characters' actions and dialogue.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and full of twists, especially with the discovery of the dead bodies and the characters' reactions to the situation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of loyalty, betrayal, and criminal activity, with authentic character interactions and a sense of unpredictability.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Bert undergoes a significant change as he grapples with the betrayal and takes drastic action, showing a different side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the betrayal and tension within their group of friends. They are grappling with feelings of loyalty, fear, and uncertainty about their future.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the unexpected knock at the door and the potential threat it represents. They must navigate the immediate danger while also dealing with the larger consequences of their actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing moral dilemmas and difficult choices.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing external threats and internal conflicts that challenge their loyalties and survival instincts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters face the consequences of their actions, including potential legal repercussions and strained relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected knock at the door and the characters' uncertain reactions, creating a sense of tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty and self-preservation. The characters must balance their loyalty to each other with their own survival instincts, leading to tension and difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with characters experiencing betrayal, anger, and grief.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and driving the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, sharp dialogue, and sense of unpredictability, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions of character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Mina observing the commotion in Bert's house from her car and Bert stepping in to take Boss-Man's phone.
  • The dialogue between Nestor, Dale, and Bert feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially with lines like 'Yep. The butt factory for sure.'
  • The tension and suspense in the scene could be heightened by adding more visual cues or actions to reflect the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by tightening the dialogue and focusing on the key moments of conflict and decision-making.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal monologue or introspection from Bert to give insight into his thoughts and feelings about the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief visual transition or action to smoothly connect Mina observing the commotion to Bert stepping in to take Boss-Man's phone.
  • Revise the dialogue between Nestor, Dale, and Bert to make it more realistic and reflective of the tense situation they are in.
  • Enhance the tension and suspense in the scene by incorporating more visual cues, such as close-ups of the characters' expressions or subtle movements.
  • Streamline the dialogue to focus on the core conflicts and decisions, trimming any unnecessary lines that detract from the scene's impact.
  • Include internal monologue or introspection from Bert to provide deeper insight into his emotions and thought process during this critical moment.



Scene 14 -  Confrontation at Bert's House
EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
Mina, toting her purse and phone, pounds on the front door.
MINA
Reginald Carter! I know you’re in
there!

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert stops, turns and eyes Nestor and Dale.
BERT
(utters)
It’s my wife, I mean, Boss-Man’s
wife.
Bert crosses back to Dale and Nestor.
MINA (O.S.)
Bring your ass out here before I
break down this door!
The men whisper.
32.

BERT
How’d she know he was here?
NESTOR
You can’t let her in.
BERT
I don’t know how to get rid of her.
Dale looks around the room, then...
DALE
The phone.
BERT
What?
DALE
She must’ve tracked him here. Let
me see it.
Bert reaches into his pocket and hands Dale the phone.
BERT
What do we do?
NESTOR
Why do you keep sayin’ we? We ain’t
in this.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
MINA (O.S.)
You’ve got ten seconds!
DALE
My sister tracks her kids all the
time.
BERT
I’ve heard about that--
DALE
(to Bert)
Do you have a backdoor?
(off Bert’s nod)
I’ll get rid of it--
NESTOR
Give me that phone before your
white ass ends up in the butt
factory.
Bert takes the phone fron Nestor.
BERT
He’s right, Dale. I’ll do it.
33.

MINA (O.S.)
Five!
BERT
Keep her busy until I get back.
Bert crosses to the back door.
MINA (O.S.)
Three!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mina confronts Bert at his house, demanding to see Reginald Carter. Bert, Nestor, and Dale try to figure out how Mina tracked Reginald to the house and how to get rid of her. Dale suggests using the phone to distract Mina while Bert goes out the back door. The scene ends with Bert heading towards the back door to try and get rid of Mina while Dale plans to distract her.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events. The high-stakes nature of the situation and the emotional turmoil of the characters contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate man trying to cover up a crime while facing unexpected challenges is executed well in this scene. The introduction of Mina adds a new layer of conflict and raises the stakes for Bert.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the escalating conflict and the characters' decisions in response to the unfolding events. The discovery of Felicia and Boss-Man's bodies adds a new twist to the story, increasing the tension and raising the stakes for Bert.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar situation of hiding someone's presence, adding a modern twist with the use of technology. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and dialogue effectively convey their desperation and conflicting motivations. Bert's internal struggle and Nestor and Dale's loyalty to him create a complex dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Bert undergoes a significant emotional transformation in this scene, as he grapples with guilt, anger, and desperation. The discovery of the bodies and the arrival of Mina force him to confront the consequences of his actions and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Reginald Carter and maintain his own safety. This reflects Bert's deeper need for self-preservation and fear of getting caught in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get rid of Mina without revealing Reginald Carter's presence. This reflects the immediate challenge Bert is facing of avoiding confrontation and potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with Bert facing external threats from Mina and internal conflicts with Nestor and Dale. The discovery of the bodies raises the stakes and adds a new dimension to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mina's presence posing a significant threat to Bert and Reginald Carter. The audience is unsure of how Bert will handle the situation, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Bert faces the threat of exposure, arrest, and violence. The discovery of the bodies and the arrival of Mina raise the stakes even further, pushing Bert to make life-changing decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting up future developments. The discovery of the bodies and Bert's interactions with Mina and Nestor and Dale propel the narrative towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation with Mina.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Bert must choose between protecting Reginald Carter and saving himself, which challenges his beliefs about loyalty and personal safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to empathy and sympathy for Bert's predicament. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' reactions and the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. The exchanges between the characters heighten the suspense and maintain the audience's interest in the unfolding drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, wondering how Bert will handle the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action beats and dialogue that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It's not clear why Mina is so insistent on seeing Reginald Carter or why Bert is hesitant to let her in.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, especially the exchanges between the characters. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The tension in the scene could be heightened by adding more suspenseful elements or twists to keep the audience engaged.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, with the characters quickly jumping from one decision to the next without much development or buildup.
  • There is a lack of visual description and setting details, making it difficult for the reader to fully visualize the scene and immerse themselves in the story.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and intentions to make their actions more believable and engaging.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Consider adding more suspenseful elements or twists to increase the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more development and buildup of the conflict and resolution.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions and setting details to create a more immersive and vivid scene for the reader.



Scene 15 -  Confrontation in the Living Room
EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Bert opens the backdoor and sprints from the house,
scampering over a neighbor’s fence.

EXT. FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
Mina steps away from the door.
MINA
One!
Fireworks pop and bang in the b.g.
Mina scans the porch for something to use against the door.
There it is. She puts down her purse and phone, then
struggles to pick up a mid-sized potted plant.
While doing so, she trips and falls, breaking the small heal
on one of her shoes and spilling dirt and gravel.
On cue, the front door opens and Dale stands in the doorway.
DALE
May I help you?
Mina removes her shoes and climbs to her feet.
MINA
Where’s my husband? Reginald! I
know he’s in there.
DALE
He left about thirty minutes ago.
MINA
Bullshit. Get out of my way.
Mina picks up her purse and phone, then makes a beeline to
the door, pushing Dale aside.
34.

DALE
I told you he’s not here...

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina enters in a huff, scanning the room.
MINA
Reginald!
A door closes in the hallway. Nestor enters the living room.
NESTOR
Keep it down. The baby’s sleeping.
MINA
The baby?
NESTOR
My grandson.
MINA
Where’s Bert?
DALE
(to Mina)
I’m going to have to ask you to
leave.
MINA
Why is Reginald’s car parked across
the street?
Dale and Nestor exchange a glance.
DALE
It wouldn’t start. He called for a
tow truck and then left. First he
tried calling Triple-A, but they
had like a forty-five minute wait,
so he called one of his buddy’s
that works over at...uhm, Jiffy-
Oil, and they got in touch with a
local...
Nestor gestures for Dale to shut the fuck up!
DALE (CONT’D)
(to Nestor)
What?
NESTOR
(to Mina)
Listen, he left, that’s all we
know.
35.

Mina cuts her eyes at both men before pulling out her phone
and checking the Find My app.
MINA
We’ll see about that...
From Mina’s POV we see the dot representing Boss-Man’s phone
moving away from the house...
MINA (CONT’D)
That sneaky-ass son-of-a-bitch.
NESTOR
(offended)
Wait! Are you seriously tracking
your husband?
MINA
What’s it to you?
NESTOR
(feigns anger)
That’s an invasion of his privacy!
(to Dale)
She comes in here all Equalizer and
shit, accusing us of hiding her
husband while she invades his
privacy!
MINA
(to Dale)
Let me out of here.
Dale scampers over and opens the front door.
Mina exits in a huff.
NESTOR
(calling after)
You’re lucky I don’t call the Feds!
DALE
Why the feds? Why don’t you just
call the cops?
NESTOR
Feds sounds better, more official.
DALE
Cops are official.
NESTOR
Are we really gonna do this right
now?
36.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Mina confronts Dale and Nestor in their living room, accusing them of hiding her husband. Tension rises as accusations are made and privacy is questioned. Mina checks her phone to track her husband's location, only to discover he is moving away from the house. The scene ends with Mina leaving in frustration, unresolved conflict lingering in the air.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interactions between characters, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wife confronting others to find her missing husband while uncovering secrets and lies is compelling and drives the scene forward. The mystery surrounding Reginald's disappearance adds intrigue and suspense to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the conflict between characters and the unfolding mystery of Reginald's whereabouts. The tension and suspense are effectively maintained throughout the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'missing husband' trope by adding layers of deception and intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, keeping the audience on their toes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene. Mina's determination to find her husband, Nestor and Dale's attempts to cover up the truth, and Bert's emotional turmoil all contribute to the overall tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Bert undergoes a significant emotional change in the scene, transitioning from shock and hurt to anger and defiance. Mina also experiences a change in her emotional state, from confusion to determination and suspicion.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal is to find her husband, Reginald, and uncover the truth about his whereabouts. This reflects her deep need for security and trust in her relationship, as well as her fear of betrayal and deception.

External Goal: 7

Mina's external goal is to confront Dale and Nestor about Reginald's disappearance and get answers from them. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between Mina, Nestor, and Dale as they navigate the mystery of Reginald's disappearance. The confrontational dialogue and conflicting motivations of the characters add to the overall conflict and drama of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mina facing resistance from Dale and Nestor as she tries to uncover the truth about her husband's disappearance.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing the consequences of their actions and decisions. The mystery of Reginald's disappearance and the tension between characters add to the overall stakes and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing new information about the characters and their relationships. The mystery of Reginald's disappearance is further developed, adding depth to the narrative and keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the unexpected revelations that drive the plot forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around privacy and trust. Mina's decision to track her husband's phone raises questions about boundaries and the extent to which one can invade another's privacy in the name of seeking the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, with characters experiencing anger, suspicion, and betrayal. Bert's emotional turmoil and Mina's determination to find her husband evoke strong emotions in the audience, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. The exchanges between Mina, Nestor, and Dale are tense and dramatic, driving the scene forward and maintaining the audience's interest.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and unexpected twists that keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, with well-defined character arcs and a strong sense of pacing that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with Mina's actions feeling disjointed and random.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The physical actions described, such as Mina struggling to pick up a potted plant and tripping, seem unnecessary and do not add to the scene.
  • The tension and conflict between Mina, Dale, and Nestor could be more effectively portrayed through meaningful dialogue and character interactions.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or progression, leaving the audience unsure of the characters' motivations and intentions.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective for Mina's character in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more realistic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Consider streamlining the physical actions described to enhance the pacing and flow of the scene.
  • Explore deeper conflicts and tensions between Mina, Dale, and Nestor to create a more engaging and dynamic interaction.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 16 -  Phone Toss
EXT. A FEW BLOCKS AWAY - CONTINUOUS
Bert sprints through an alley and around a corner with Boss-
Man’s phone in his hand.
Huffing and puffing, Bert eyes a few RESIDENTS, lighting
fireworks.
Across the street in the shadows, a LATINO MALE, exits a
house, waves goodbye to the OCCUPANTS, and crosses to his
small work pick-up truck at the curb.
Bert, sensing an opportunity, watches the truck pull away
from the curb and drive towards him.
Boss-Man’s phone rings again...it’s Mina. Ring tone: Naughty
Nature - OPP
Bert declines the call.
BERT
(re: truck)
Keep coming...keep coming...
The truck passes and Bert tosses the phone into the bed of
the truck, landing on a pile of dirt and tree clippings.
Relieved, Bert sprints off.

INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina sits in the driver’s seat, speakerphone engaged.
BOSS-MAN (V.O.)
Yo, this is Boss-Man, leave a
message or better yet, send a text.
(Beep)
Frustrated, she hangs up and checks the tracking again.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DRONE SHOT - CONTINUOUS
The pick-up truck stops at the corner, then makes a right,
and drives to the next stop sign.

INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina watches as the dot representing Boss-Man’s phone stops
around the corner. She starts her car.
37.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DRONE SHOT - CONTINUOUS
The truck moves to the next stop sign, and then turns right.

INT. MINA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina puts her car in gear and then checks her phone...the dot
is headed in her direction. She looks up to see a set of
headlights coming towards her.

INT. BERT’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dale and Nestor, discreetly watch her from the front window.
DALE
What’s she doing?
We hear the back door open and Bert enters.
BERT
(panting)
I got rid of it!
NESTOR
Shh...
Bert crosses to the window.
BERT
Did she leave?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Bert successfully gets rid of Boss-Man's phone by tossing it into a passing truck. Mina tracks the phone's location and starts driving towards it, while Dale and Nestor watch her movements from Bert's house. The tense and suspenseful scene ends with Bert asking if Mina has left.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • High-stakes chase sequence
  • Effective use of suspense
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may leave some character motivations unclear

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with the high-stakes chase and the characters' desperate actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chase scene involving the disposal of evidence to avoid being tracked is executed well, adding a layer of tension and urgency to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the characters' actions and decisions in response to the escalating conflict, leading to a dramatic and suspenseful sequence.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar trope of a character trying to dispose of evidence, adding elements of suspense and intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' motivations and actions drive the scene forward, showcasing their desperation and determination in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 6

Bert undergoes a significant change as he is forced to make difficult decisions and take drastic actions to protect himself.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal is to get rid of Boss-Man's phone and avoid getting caught. This reflects his fear of consequences and desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to dispose of Boss-Man's phone in a way that won't lead back to him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing imminent danger and making risky choices to protect themselves.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bert facing obstacles and challenges that threaten his goals. The audience is left wondering how he will overcome these obstacles and what the consequences of his actions will be.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are in a life-threatening situation and must act quickly to avoid being caught.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Bert's actions and the potential consequences of his decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Bert's desire to protect himself and the potential consequences of his actions. This challenges his values and beliefs about loyalty and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as they empathize with the characters' fear and desperation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' urgency and tension in the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful moments. The audience is drawn into Bert's dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action beats and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and suspense leading to a satisfying resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it seems to focus on Bert disposing of Boss-Man's phone without much context or significance.
  • The tension and urgency established in the previous scenes are not effectively carried over into this scene, resulting in a lack of emotional impact.
  • The actions of Bert tossing the phone into a passing truck feel contrived and unrealistic, detracting from the overall believability of the scene.
  • The transition between Mina tracking the phone and Bert disposing of it is disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Dale, Nestor, and Bert is minimal and does not add much depth or insight into the characters' motivations or relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to provide more context and significance to Bert disposing of the phone, perhaps tying it more closely to the central conflicts and themes of the screenplay.
  • Enhance the tension and urgency in the scene by incorporating elements from the previous scenes that build up to this moment, creating a more seamless transition.
  • Reevaluate the action of Bert tossing the phone into the truck to make it more realistic and grounded in the established world of the screenplay.
  • Work on improving the dialogue between Dale, Nestor, and Bert to reveal more about their characters, relationships, and the stakes of the situation.
  • Consider adding visual cues or actions to enhance the scene and convey the characters' emotions and intentions more effectively.



Scene 17 -  Neighborly Mistake
INT. MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina exits the car and watches as the small pick-up truck
draws near.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
All three men, peer out of the front window.
NESTOR
Why isn’t she leaving?
Bert eyes the pick-up truck as it passes Mina and parks at
the dead end.
BERT
Shit.
NESTOR
What?
38.

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Mina, barefoot, crosses to the pick-up truck as it parks.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
They watch Mina cross to the pick-up truck.
NESTOR
(to Bert)
You put it in your neighbors truck!
BERT
It was dark and I couldn’t see
anything! I saw a truck and I just
thought...fuck!
Bert walks away from the window, sizing up the situation.
DALE
Give him a break, Nestor. It’s not
his fault.
NESTOR
Then whose fault is it, huh? We win
the Powerball, which should be the
greatest day of your lives, but
instead we’re auditioning for
Dateline!
Bert plants himself on the sofa.
BERT
(pause)
You’re right. It’s my fault.
Bert breaks down and cries.
After a couple beats, Nestor crosses to Bert.
NESTOR
(to Dale/re: Mina)
Keep an eye on her.
(to Bert)
Are you crying?
Dale returns to watching Mina.
BERT
(wipes away tears)
No, no...I’m good.
(beat)
I’m a millionaire, right? What
could possibly be wrong?
39.

NESTOR
“There’s no crying in baseball!”
Remember that? Tom Hanks.
BERT
Tom Hanks?
NESTOR
Yea, you know the scene when--
BERT
I know the fuckin’ scene, Nestor!
(beat/sullen)
You know what? You should’ve called
me before all of this happened.
NESTOR
What? I called you about three
times--
BERT
This is your fault.
NESTOR
My fault? You just took ownership
two minutes ago!
BERT
That’s before I had time to think
about it!
NESTOR
Two minutes?!
(beat)
You’re the one who wanted me to
drop you off at home--
BERT
So you’re listening to me now?
You’ve never listened to me before!
Why now, huh?! Were you in on this?
NESTOR
In on what, killing your wife?!
(to Dale)
Is he fuckin’ serious?
DALE
(concerned)
He might be going into shock.
BERT
(sobs uncontrollably)
I am not going into shock!
(beat)
You two think I’m stupid, don’t
you?
(MORE)
40.

BERT (CONT’D)
I know exactly what’s happening
here...I know...
(pause/snot bubbles/then)
I’m scared. I don’t wanna go to the
butt factory.
Off Bert’s tears...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mina watches a pick-up truck park at a dead end while Nestor questions Bert's actions inside his house. Bert realizes he put something in his neighbor's truck by mistake, leading to a tense conversation between the three men. The conflict arises from Bert's mistake, causing tension and blame between the characters. The scene ends with Bert admitting his fear and vulnerability, showing a deeper emotional layer.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive arguments
  • Lack of resolution in certain conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of characters dealing with the aftermath of a violent event and facing the consequences of their actions is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of revelations and conflicts, leading to a climax that sets up further developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of mistaken identity and responsibility, with authentic character reactions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations, conflicts, and emotional arcs that drive the scene's dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional transformations, revealing new facets of their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his mistakes and take responsibility for his actions. This reflects his deeper fear of failure and desire for redemption.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the consequences of his actions, specifically the mistaken identity of the truck he put something in. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is palpable, with tensions running high and emotions escalating throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional barriers that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including life-changing decisions, emotional turmoil, and potential consequences, heighten the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' reactions and the shifting dynamics between them. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of responsibility, blame, and trust. The characters' differing perspectives on who is at fault and how to handle the situation challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, revealing character relationships, conflicts, and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed beats and emotional peaks. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflict resolution. It maintains a good pace and rhythm, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with the characters' actions and dialogue feeling disjointed and confusing.
  • The emotional beats and character motivations are not well-established, leading to a lack of empathy or investment in the characters' struggles.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters delivering lines that don't align with their established personalities or the gravity of the situation.
  • The conflict between the characters is not effectively built up or resolved, leaving the scene feeling unresolved and unsatisfying.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, making it difficult for readers to visualize the setting and character movements.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and emotional states to create a more engaging and relatable scene.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more authentic and impactful, ensuring that each line serves a purpose in advancing the plot or revealing character traits.
  • Build up the conflict between the characters more effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution or cliffhanger that propels the story forward.
  • Include more visual descriptions and actions to enhance the scene's atmosphere and help readers visualize the setting and character interactions.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer focus and progression, ensuring that each moment contributes to the overall narrative arc.



Scene 18 -  Confrontation and Suspicion
EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Hector, the driver of the pick-up, exits and curiously eyes
Mina making a phone call.
HECTOR
Can I help you?
(beat/recognizes her)
Ahh, are you looking for Mr. Bert?
Boss-Man’s phone begins to ring.
Mina’s pace quickens as she reaches the bed of the pick-up
and spots Boss-Man’s phone in the dirt and brush.
HECTOR (CONT’D)
Hey, what’re you doing? Get away
from my truck.
MINA
(retrieves phone/turns)
Where is he?
HECTOR
Who?
MINA
Why is my husband’s phone in your
truck?
HECTOR
I know nothing.
Angered, Mina hastily reaches into her purse and pulls out a
silver .22 handgun and points it at...
Hector turns and sprints away like a track star, across a
front lawn and into his house.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dale watches Hector enter the house and close the door before
spotting the gun in Mina’s hand.
DALE
Gun!
41.

From Dale’s POV we see Mina turn, stare at Bert’s house, and
then stow the gun in her purse.
DALE (CONT’D)
She’s coming! Let’s go out the
back.
Dale turns to see Bert sobbing in Nestor’s arms.
NESTOR
(to Dale)
We have to help him.
DALE
But then we’re accomplices. You
said so yourself.
NESTOR
I know what I said, but look at
him, Dale. He’s fallin’ apart.
(off Bert’s loud snort)
He needs us.
CUT TO:

INT. HECTOR’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Hector, through an opening in the blinds, watches Mina cross
to her car.
His wife, Vera, clutching their BABY, crosses to him.
VERA
(Spanish)
Was she following you?
HECTOR
(beat/Spanish)
I don’t think so.
(miffed)
There was a phone in the back of my
truck.
VERA
(beat)
They’re tracking you.
Pregnant pause as Vera hands the baby to Hector.
HECTOR
Who’s tracking me? It was Mr.
Bert’s ex-wife.
VERA
Really? I’ve never trusted that
gold-digging bitch.
42.

HECTOR
Maybe it was just a mistake or
somethin’?
VERA
She knows. I can feel it.
Vera crosses to her purse on the kitchen island and retrieves
her smartphone and begins to dial.
HECTOR
(Spanish)
C’mon, Vera, let’s not jump to
conclusions...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mina confronts Hector about her husband's phone being in his truck, pulls out a gun, and Hector runs away. Dale and Nestor see Mina with the gun and decide to help Bert. Meanwhile, Hector's wife, Vera, suspects they are being tracked and starts to make a phone call.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Twists and revelations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, gripping, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its dramatic revelations and escalating conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unraveling secrets and hidden motives drives the scene forward, creating a sense of intrigue and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of deception, betrayal, and unexpected twists that keep the audience hooked.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar situation, adding layers of complexity and moral ambiguity to the characters' actions. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' motivations are well-developed.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and flawed, each with their own motivations and secrets, adding depth to the unfolding drama.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, from facing harsh truths to making difficult choices that will impact their lives.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal is to find out the truth about her husband's whereabouts and the situation with Hector. She is driven by a mix of fear, anger, and determination to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 7.5

Mina's external goal is to locate her husband and confront him about the phone found in Hector's truck. She is also trying to protect herself and her family from potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing moral dilemmas, emotional turmoil, and life-changing decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and conflicting loyalties that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters' lives, relationships, and futures hanging in the balance as secrets are exposed and decisions are made.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, trust, and the consequences of taking action. Nestor and Dale debate whether to help Bert despite the risks, highlighting conflicting values and moral dilemmas.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from shock and anger to fear and empathy, creating a powerful connection to the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic tension, and emotional conflict. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and plot progression. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene introduces Hector in a somewhat abrupt manner, without much context or development of his character.
  • The dialogue between Mina and Hector feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging.
  • The sudden introduction of a gun and the escalation of the conflict with Hector running away feels slightly unrealistic and melodramatic.
  • The transition to Dale watching Hector and then spotting the gun in Mina's hand is a bit disjointed and could be smoother.
  • The emotional moment with Bert sobbing in Nestor's arms is impactful, but the dialogue between Nestor and Dale discussing whether to help Bert feels a bit cliched and could be more nuanced.
  • The scene then shifts to Hector's house with Vera, introducing a new subplot without much connection to the previous events, making the scene feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Hector and Vera lacks depth and feels like a generic conversation, missing an opportunity to add depth to their characters.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of direction, leaving the reader wanting more closure or development.
Suggestions
  • Consider developing Hector's character more before his interaction with Mina to make the scene more engaging and believable.
  • Work on the dialogue between Mina and Hector to make it more natural and reflective of their characters' motivations and emotions.
  • Reconsider the use of the gun as a plot device and explore more subtle ways to escalate the conflict between Mina and Hector.
  • Smooth out the transition between different locations and characters to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.
  • Add more depth and complexity to the dialogue between Nestor, Dale, and Bert to avoid cliches and create more nuanced character interactions.
  • Integrate the subplot with Hector and Vera more seamlessly into the overall narrative to ensure it feels connected and relevant to the main storyline.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Hector and Vera to reveal more about their relationship and motivations, adding layers to their characters.
  • Consider providing a clearer resolution or direction at the end of the scene to maintain the reader's interest and provide a sense of closure.



Scene 19 -  Confrontation at Bert's House
EXT. CITY STREET - MINA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Mina opens the trunk of her car and retrieves a pair of
sneakers and puts them on.
MINA
(utters)
Okay...you want me to come in after
you...game the fuck on.
Mina turns to Bert’s house.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bert sits on the sofa, wiping and blowing his nose into
facial tissue as Nestor and Dale comfort him.
NESTOR
Hey, listen, we’ll figure it out,
okay? Right, Dale?
DALE
Right. I’m sure if all three of us
put our minds together, we can keep
you out of the butt factory--
Bert sobs even louder.
NESTOR
What the fuck, Dale! Why would you
say that?!
DALE
Bert said it too!--
NESTOR
Read the fuckin’ room, alright?
43.

BERT
(stands/walks off)
I need some water.
NESTOR
(flustered)
Get back over to the window and see
what she’s doing.
Dale returns to the window and peers outside.
Bert, toting a glass of water, returns.
BERT
(to Nestor)
She’s my ex-wife.
NESTOR
Felicia’s your ex-wife?
ANGLE ON: Dale’s eyes as they go wide.
DALE
Guys!
POUND! POUND! POUND!
The front door shakes as Mina pounds loudly.
MINA (O.S.)
Open this goddamn door!
BERT
(re: Mina)
No, her.
MINA (O.S.)
Open this door, Bert!
NESTOR
But she’s married to...wait, she
left you for Boss-Man?
BERT
It’s a long story.
Dale backs away from the window.
DALE
She’s not going away.
NESTOR
Why didn’t you tell me?
44.

BERT
Where does it say in our job
description that you’re my
therapist?
Pound! Pound! Pound!
DALE
We need to do something or she’ll
call the cops.
The men eye the front door and Mina’s pacing silhouette
behind the curtains.
NESTOR
I’ve got an idea.
(beat)
Dale, you let her in and I’ll stand
behind the door and jump her. We’ll
tie her up or something until we
figure out our next move. Bert, you
grab the gun.
DALE NESTOR (CONT’D)
It’s in her purse-- (to Bert)
So grab the purse--

BERT
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
NESTOR
Do you have a better one?
BERT
No, but she’s--
POUND! POUND! POUND!
MINA (O.S.)
I will shoot you through this
goddamn door!
NESTOR
(confident wink to Bert)
Get the purse.
(to Dale)
Open it.
Dale reaches for the knob and opens the door to see Mina,
seething, glaring back at him with Boss-Man’s phone in her
hand.
MINA
Where...is...he?
Dale steps aside to reveal Bert a few feet behind him.
45.

DALE
Come on in.
Mina, hesitant, eyes Bert before stepping inside.
MINA
(to Bert)
Where is he?
A moment later, Nestor attacks her from the side, but she
easily subdues him, elbowing him in the chest before tossing
him aside, breaking the coffee table.
Dale lunges forward to grab her, but Mina ducks and lands a
blow to his gut before kicking his feet out from under him
and he is sent crashing to the floor.
Mina assumes a martial arts stance and eyes the two men
writhing in pain, and then Bert.
MINA (CONT’D)
What the hell, Bert?
BERT
I told them it was a bad idea.
Mina slams the front door.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mina confronts Bert at his house demanding to know the whereabouts of Boss-Man. Nestor and Dale try to subdue Mina but fail, leading to a tense and confrontational confrontation. Mina easily overpowers them, leaving Bert to face her alone as the scene ends with Mina slamming the front door.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-paced, and filled with conflict, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between characters with hidden motives and conflicting emotions is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of character relationships and the introduction of new conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic confrontation scene, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts, leading to a dynamic and engaging interaction.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional turmoil and confrontations that lead to some development and changes in their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal is to confront Bert and potentially her ex-husband, Boss-Man, about a situation that has caused her anger and frustration. This reflects her need for closure and resolution.

External Goal: 7.5

Mina's external goal is to find out the whereabouts of Boss-Man and potentially confront him. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, both physically and emotionally, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and potential consequences for their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing values and beliefs about loyalty, trust, and betrayal. Mina's actions challenge Bert and his friends' sense of morality and ethics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the intense confrontation and emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character dynamics and escalating tension effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and character arcs. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It's not clear why Nestor decides to attack Mina or why Dale goes along with the plan.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, particularly with lines like 'we'll tie her up or something until we figure out our next move.'
  • The physical confrontation between Mina, Nestor, and Dale feels rushed and lacks believability. The ease with which Mina subdues both men diminishes the tension of the scene.
  • The introduction of martial arts elements with Mina assuming a stance feels out of place and inconsistent with the tone of the rest of the scene.
  • The resolution of the conflict is abrupt and unsatisfying, with Mina slamming the door without any real resolution or development of the characters' dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and actions to make their decisions more believable and in line with their established personalities.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of how real people would speak in a tense situation.
  • Consider reworking the physical confrontation to make it more realistic and heighten the tension between the characters.
  • Avoid introducing elements like martial arts stances that feel out of place and inconsistent with the tone of the scene.
  • Develop the resolution of the conflict to provide a more satisfying conclusion that advances the plot and character dynamics.



Scene 20 -  Revelations and Confrontations
EXT. DARK SKIES OVER THE CITY - NIGHT
A fireworks show splashes on the screen for a few beats.

INT. BERT’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Bert sits in the center of the sofa, checks his watch, it
reads: 9:00
We pull back to reveal Nestor to his left and Dale on his
right, wincing in pain and nursing their injuries. Nestor has
a bag of frozen peas on his cheek and Dale a large bag of ice
on his abdomen.
DALE
I think she broke my stomach.
BERT
You don’t have any bones in your
stomach, Dale.
NESTOR
Why didn’t you tell us she was an
ex-MMA fighter?
BERT
I tried.
46.

NESTOR
No, you said it wasn’t a good idea.
Across from them, sitting in a chair, is Mina, her silver
handgun aimed in their direction.
MINA
(to Nestor)
Enough.
(pause/to Bert)
Did you know about them?
BERT
Who?
MINA
(condescending)
Why am I here, Bert?
Muffled fireworks continue in the b.g.
BERT
No. Did you?
MINA
Same’ole, Bert, oblivious to the
obvious.
(beat)
I had my suspicions.
(beat/re: Nestor/Dale)
Do they know about us?
(off Bert’s nod)
So where’s your brother? And I want
the truth.
Nestor and Dale share a glance, then turn to Bert.
BERT
They don’t know all of it.
MINA
Oops.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The scene takes place at Bert's house after a fireworks show where Bert, Nestor, and Dale are nursing their injuries from a fight. Mina confronts Bert about his involvement with Nestor and Dale, hinting at a deeper connection between them. Tension and questions about their relationship arise as Mina questions Bert about his knowledge of Nestor and Dale, leading to a confrontational tone. The scene ends with Mina demanding the truth about Bert's brother.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals crucial information about the characters, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters confronting hidden truths and facing the consequences of their actions is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of secrets and the escalation of conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar situation by combining elements of comedy, action, and drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes as they confront the truth and face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a dangerous situation while keeping his secrets and relationships intact. This reflects his desire to protect his loved ones and maintain control over his own life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to keep his brother's whereabouts a secret and to handle the confrontation with Mina without escalating the situation further.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene forward with high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mina challenging Bert and his associates, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters confront hidden truths and face the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and shifting power dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around honesty and deception. Mina challenges Bert's honesty and trustworthiness, highlighting the tension between truth and lies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the characters' confrontations and revelations is palpable.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and drives the conflict forward effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a progression of tension. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and relationships. It's not clear why Mina is questioning Bert about Nestor and Dale, and the dialogue feels disjointed at times.
  • The tension and stakes in the scene could be heightened to create a more engaging conflict. The interactions between the characters feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more emotional depth.
  • The dialogue could be more impactful and revealing of the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. There is potential for more subtext and nuance in the conversations between Mina, Bert, Nestor, and Dale.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and actions to enhance the tension and dynamics between the characters. Adding physical movements and gestures could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • The resolution of the scene feels abrupt and leaves the audience wanting more closure or development. There is an opportunity to further explore the consequences of Mina's confrontation with Bert and the revelation about his brother.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and relationships to make the dialogue more coherent and impactful.
  • Heighten the tension and stakes in the scene by adding more emotional depth and complexity to the interactions.
  • Revise the dialogue to reveal more subtext and nuance in the characters' conversations, adding layers to their relationships and conflicts.
  • Enhance the scene with more visual cues and actions to create a more dynamic and engaging atmosphere.
  • Consider expanding on the resolution of the scene to provide more closure and development for the characters and their relationships.



Scene 21 -  Tense Confrontation on Fourth of July
EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Neighbors continue to light fireworks.
Two sets of headlights turn the corner and slowly drive down
the street.
The cars, classic low-riders, with two Latino GANG MEMBERS in
each drive slowly past the neighbors and pull into Hector and
Vera’s driveway, but not before they hit their hydraulic
switch, raising the cars before they park.
47.

The neighbors watch as the gang members exit the low-riders
and cross to Hector’s front door.

EXT. HECTOR’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The lead gangster, JULIO, 28, bearded, a large brut of a man,
rugged with tats, knocks on the front door.
A moment later it opens.
Hector, toting the baby, steps aside to reveal Vera standing
in the living room.
JULIO
(to Vera)
What’s up?

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina eyes the hallway to the bedrooms.
MINA
Are they in the bedroom?
Awkward silence as Mina awaits an answer.
BERT DALE
No. Yes.

MINA
Which is it?
NESTOR
No.
(to Bert)
Boss-Man was your brother?
MINA NESTOR (CONT’D)
Was?-- Is.

DALE
That’s really screwed up, Bert. If
my brother stuffed my wife, married
her, and then stuffed my second
wife, I’d kill him too.
(off Nestor’s glare)
What? She’s gonna find out sooner
or later.
BERT
She’s not a turkey, Dale.
DALE
I’m trying not to curse in front of
the lady.
48.

Uncomfortable pause as Bert and Mina lock eyes.
MINA
I don’t believe it.
(stands)
Do you mind if I go and see for
myself?
BERT
I’ll give you a million dollars if
you walk out that door and never
come back.
Unexpected pause as Mina eyes Bert.
MINA
This is getting interesting.
BERT
Sit down.
After a beat, Mina sits.
BERT (CONT’D)
We won a little money in the
lottery tonight.
MINA
How much is a little?
Bert eyes Nestor and then Dale.
BERT
Six-million.
Mina digests the information, then...
MINA
You know I can tell when you’re
lying.
BERT
I’ll give you half of my share, one-
million...to go away.
Nestor and Dale share a glance.
BERT (CONT’D)
(to Nestor)
Show her the ticket.
Nestor slowly reaches into his pocket and takes out the
ticket, stowed in a plastic baggie, and holds it up,
concealing the Powerball logo with his fingers.
49.

MINA
Six-million?
(to Nestor)
Is this true?
(off Nestor’s nod)
What’s to stop me from killing all
three of you and keeping it for
myself?
BERT
You don’t wanna go to jail for
murder.
MINA
Nobody knows I’m here...
BERT
...except for Hector, my neighbor
across the street, and all of the
people outside celebrating the 4th.
Uncomfortable pause, before...
DALE
It’s a fair deal.
MINA
(to Dale)
Am I talking to you?
(pause/to Bert)
I want two-million...
(to Dale and Nestor)
...half a million more from each of
you.
Nestor and Dale share a glance.
NESTOR DALE
Ok. Sounds good.

BERT
Then it’s settled.
She locks eyes with Bert...
MINA
Did you do it?
They share a knowing gaze.
BERT
He took a shot at me.
Mina smiles, leans back in her chair, and then chuckles.
BERT (CONT’D)
Is that funny to you?--
50.

MINA
Do stupid shit. Win stupid prizes.
BERT
He was screwing my wife in our bed.
MINA
You see, that’s the difference
between me and Felicia. I never
disrespected our marriage.
Bert chuckles and then laughs.
BERT
You don’t want me to go there.
MINA
Go where?
Bert laughs harder.
NESTOR
I don’t think he believes you.
DALE
Nope. He definitely doesn’t believe
you.
MINA
I swear on my poor mother’s grave
that I never--
BERT
(serious)
Don’t do that.
MINA
Do what?
BERT
Embarrass yourself.
They lock eyes.
MINA
If you’ve got somethin’ you need to
say, say it...
BERT
You really want this smoke?
Uncomfortable beat as Nestor and Dale lean into the
conversation.
51.

MINA
(smirks/sucks teeth)
You ain’t got shit on me.
FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Neighbors continue to light fireworks while two low-rider cars with Latino gang members pull into Hector and Vera's driveway. Julio, the lead gangster, confronts Vera while inside Bert's house, Mina questions Bert about his brother and the lottery winnings, leading to a tense negotiation for Mina to leave in exchange for money.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes negotiation
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Occasional lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes negotiation over lottery winnings intertwined with themes of betrayal and potential violence is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as characters reveal key information and make crucial decisions regarding the lottery winnings and their relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on familiar themes of betrayal and deception, with unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting motivations and emotions add depth to the scene, especially in the face of betrayal and potential violence.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their relationships and motivations, setting the stage for potential changes in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal is to protect his secrets and maintain control over the situation, as evidenced by his attempts to manipulate Mina with money and lies.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to negotiate with Mina and prevent any violence or escalation of the situation, as shown by his offer of money to make her leave peacefully.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as characters negotiate over money, confront past betrayals, and face the threat of violence, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters negotiate over a large sum of money, confront past betrayals, and face the threat of violence, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and hidden motives of the characters, creating suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a conflict between honesty and deception, as Bert and Mina engage in a battle of wits and manipulation. This challenges Bert's values and forces him to confront his own actions and choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from tension to sarcasm to seriousness, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and filled with subtext, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, intentions, and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and unpredictable twists, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression, maintaining tension and suspense throughout.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new element with the arrival of Latino gang members, which adds tension and raises the stakes in the story.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Bert and Mina, is confrontational and filled with subtext, adding depth to their relationship.
  • The negotiation for Mina to leave in exchange for money creates a suspenseful and intriguing dynamic between the characters.
  • The revelation of winning the lottery and the subsequent negotiation with Mina adds a layer of complexity to the scene.
  • The flashback to Bert catching Mina with Boss-Man in a compromising position adds context to their current interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the tension and suspense in the scene, such as close-ups of the characters' expressions or body language.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the confrontation between Bert and Mina further, delving into their past and the reasons behind their current conflict.
  • Develop the negotiation between Mina and the other characters to build anticipation and keep the audience engaged.
  • Consider incorporating more action or physical movement to heighten the stakes and create a sense of urgency in the scene.
  • Continue to reveal layers of the characters' relationships and motivations through dialogue and interactions to deepen the audience's investment in the story.



Scene 22 -  Unwanted Advances
EXT. NON-DESCRIPT BUSINESS LOCATION - DAY
CHYRON: THREE YEARS AGO
Bert and Boss-Man, both wearing a typical blue shirt and
khakis, janitorial wear, stand in front of the building with
signage that reads: R & B Janitorial (GRAND OPENING)
Boss-Man’s shirt is slightly unbuttoned with his BM gold
necklace front and center.
They smile and shake hands as Mina takes their picture with a
digital camera.
BOSS-MAN
Ok, how about some lunch down the
street at Ivan’s?
Mina saddles up next to Bert to show him the picture and
congratulate him with a kiss.
MINA
This is so exciting.
(beat)
What time is it?
Bert checks his watch.
BERT
11:30
MINA
(sigh)
I know what time it is, Bert.
BERT
Oh, sorry...it’s ass-kickin’ time.
They kiss again. Boss-Man watches, eyeing Mina’s curvaceous
body.
BOSS-MAN
Ass-kickin’ time?
MINA
Sales. Kick-ass closing deals.
BOSS-MAN
I like that.
(to Bert)
(MORE)
52.

BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
We should make that our mission
statement.
(beat)
So, how about lunch?
BERT
(checks analog watch)
Oh, sure...sounds good, but we
should make sure we get back here
afterwards and get the shop
organized.
BOSS-MAN
Of course. Why don’t you lock up
and I’ll wait here with Mina.
Bert gives Mina a quick peck and crosses to the front doors.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
(to Mina)
You do realize that he only owns
twenty-five percent of the
business, right?
ANGLE ON: Bert, overhears, and glances back at them.
MINA
I know, but if it makes him
happy...
Boss-Man invades her space and caresses her buttock.
BOSS-MAN
What about my happiness?
She gently spins away from him.
MINA
That’s not me.
BOSS-MAN
You’re not even a bit curious?
ANGLE ON: Bert locks the doors, stows the keys, and then
turns back to them and crosses the parking lot.
MINA (V.O.)
I can’t believe you heard all of
that. Why didn’t you say anything?
BERT (V.O.)
I trusted you.
From his POV we see Boss-Man staring at Mina as she secures
her camera and purse.
53.

BERT
I’m ready.
BOSS-MAN
Bert, why don’t you let your lovely
wife ride with me in the Corvette?
(beat)
I’d invite you, of course, but it’s
only a two-seater.
Bert, not sure of what to say, ponders his response.
BERT
Ivan’s is only about two blocks
away. We could all walk. Get some
exercise.
(pause)
Okay. Why not? I’ll meet you there.
MINA
I can walk with you, Bert--
BERT
No, you go with Reginald. It’ll be
fun.
Bert watches as Boss-Man and Mina hop into the Corvette and
pull away.
MINA (V.O.)
I offered to come with you...
END FLASHBACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Bert and Boss-Man celebrate the grand opening of their janitorial business with Mina taking their picture. However, tension arises when Boss-Man makes inappropriate advances towards Mina, causing discomfort and unease among the characters. The conflict is not fully resolved as Mina ends up riding with Boss-Man in his Corvette, leaving a sense of tension lingering in the air.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Flashback adds depth to the story
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Character motivations could be clearer in some instances

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes tension, emotional depth, and hints at complex character relationships. The flashback adds depth to the story, and the introduction of new characters and conflicts keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting a past event to shed light on current tensions is compelling. The scene introduces new conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters, setting the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of new conflicts and revelations about the characters' past. The scene sets up future events and adds layers to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar workplace setting but adds a fresh twist with the dynamic between the characters and the subtle power play at play. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' dynamics are intriguing, with hints of underlying tensions and power struggles. The introduction of new characters adds complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their dynamics and motivations, hinting at deeper changes to come in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain trust in his relationship with his wife, Mina, despite the inappropriate advances of Boss-Man. This reflects Bert's need for security and loyalty in his personal life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain professionalism and focus on organizing the shop after the grand opening. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work responsibilities with personal relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the introduction of new conflicts, revelations about the characters' past, and hints at future betrayals and alliances.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected power dynamics and character interactions that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between loyalty and ambition. Bert values his relationship with Mina and wants to maintain trust, while Boss-Man prioritizes his own desires and power dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to curiosity to anxiety, drawing the audience into the characters' world.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals subtle nuances in the characters' relationships. It sets the tone for future interactions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and power dynamics between the characters, as well as the underlying emotional conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and tension within the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps between interactions without a cohesive narrative thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters delivering lines that don't flow organically or reveal much depth.
  • The character dynamics are underdeveloped, especially in the interactions between Bert, Boss-Man, and Mina, leading to a lack of emotional impact.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue to convey information, rather than showing through actions and interactions.
  • The flashback structure is confusing and disrupts the flow of the scene, making it difficult for the audience to follow the timeline.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective or conflict within the scene to drive the character interactions and dialogue.
  • Work on creating more natural and authentic dialogue that reveals character motivations and relationships.
  • Explore the dynamics between Bert, Boss-Man, and Mina in more depth to add complexity and emotional depth to the scene.
  • Consider showing more through actions and interactions rather than relying on exposition to convey information.
  • Reconsider the use of flashbacks and ensure they are integrated seamlessly into the narrative to avoid confusion and maintain coherence.



Scene 23 -  Confrontation and Reflection
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Same positions. Bert eyes Mina.
MINA
This is ridiculous. Why are you re-
hashing all of this?
BERT
Because you said you never
disrespected our marriage.
MINA
I didn’t.
BERT
I’m establishing a point of
reference.
DALE
This is gettin’ good.
54.

NESTOR
Smoke her out, Bert.
MINA
Do we really need the commentary?
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. IVAN’S DINER - LATER
Bert sits alone in a booth. His meal, half-eaten, on the
table in front of him. He glances outside at the cars parked
in the lot...searching for the Corvette.
BERT (V.O.)
I waited for two hours in that
diner.
MINA (V.O.)
He got me in his car and just kept
driving.

INT. PUBLIC BUS - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Bert rides alone, stoic, gazing out of the window and then
down at his wedding band.
BERT (V.O.)
You were my wife.
MINA (V.O.)
What was I supposed to do, jump
out?

EXT. SO-CAL HOME - DUSK
An elderly black woman exits the house toting a potted plant
that she places on a table on the porch. She wears a house
dress, summer hat, gloves, and house slippers. Her name is
DELORES CARTER, (65), but still spry and lucid.
DELORES
(to plant)
You look awfully good in your new
pot.
In the b.g. we see Bert, downtrodden, walking towards her.
BERT
Mom.
Delores turns.
55.

DELORES
Bert?
(re: downtrodden)
What’s wrong with my baby?
MINA (V.O.)
You went to see your mother?

END FLASHBACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Bert confronts Mina about their marriage issues in a tense conversation in their living room. Flashbacks show Bert waiting in a diner, riding a bus alone, and visiting his mother, Delores Carter. The conflict revolves around Bert questioning Mina's actions, with Dale and Nestor providing commentary. The emotional tone is reflective as Bert and Mina discuss their past and present issues. The scene ends with Bert approaching his mother, Delores, who notices his downtrodden appearance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Revelation of past events
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the confrontation between Bert and Mina, as well as the revelation of past events. The addition of Delores Carter adds a new layer to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting past events and exploring the emotional dynamics between characters is well executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the confrontation between Bert and Mina, as well as the introduction of Delores Carter, hinting at deeper connections and conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of marital conflict by using flashbacks and present-day dialogue to explore the complexities of trust and betrayal. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bert and Mina are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of emotion and history. Delores Carter adds a new dimension to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Both Bert and Mina undergo emotional changes in this scene, as past events and tensions are brought to light.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his wife about her actions and establish a point of reference for their relationship. This reflects his deeper need for honesty and clarity in their marriage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address the issues in his marriage and seek resolution. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with betrayal and trust.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Bert and Mina, as well as the underlying tensions and revelations, create a high level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as past events and conflicts threaten to unravel the characters' lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the characters and their relationships, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's emotional journey and the revelation of past events that shape the present conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between loyalty and honesty in a relationship. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, as past events and current conflicts come to the surface, evoking strong emotions from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion between the characters, as well as revealing important information about their past.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity of the characters' interactions and the suspenseful reveal of the protagonist's internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively balances present-day interactions with flashbacks to create a cohesive narrative that develops the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between present-day dialogue and flashbacks, which can be confusing for the audience if not executed properly.
  • The dialogue between Bert and Mina feels repetitive and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with their emotional conflict.
  • The use of voice-over narration from both Bert and Mina can be distracting and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of Bert's mother, Delores, feels abrupt and disconnected from the main conflict between Bert and Mina.
  • The flashback sequences do not provide enough context or emotional depth to fully understand the dynamics between Bert and Mina.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to focus more on the present-day interaction between Bert and Mina, with a clearer progression of their emotional conflict.
  • Integrate the flashbacks more seamlessly into the dialogue to provide context and emotional depth to Bert and Mina's relationship.
  • Limit the use of voice-over narration to key moments that enhance the storytelling, rather than relying on it throughout the scene.
  • Develop the character of Delores further to establish a stronger connection to Bert's emotional journey and the main conflict with Mina.
  • Ensure that each flashback serves a specific purpose in advancing the plot and character development, rather than feeling disjointed from the main narrative.



Scene 24 -  Family Tensions
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina, heavy sigh, folds her arms.
BERT
I was upset.
MINA
You see, this is exactly why I
left, Bert. You’re a momma’s boy
and you’re too old fashioned. You
don’t drive. You wear the same
clothes everyday--
BERT
I’m a janitor--
MINA
And you’re always looking at that
old ass watch--
BERT
This was my dad’s watch--
MINA
You barely got a smartphone--
BERT
They track people with those
things.
NESTOR
Yep, it’s an invasion of privacy.
MINA
(to Nestor)
Will you please shut the fuck up?
Mina stares down Nestor.
BERT
(to Mina)
Do you mind if I continue?
56.

MINA
Yes, I do mind, but that’s not
gonna stop you.
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. SO-CAL HOME - DINING ROOM - LATER
Delores crosses to Bert with a cup of tea.
DELORES
Green-tea, no sugar, just like you
like it.
BERT
(sits)
Thank you.
Delores sits at the table with a cup of hot water, a spoon,
and a container of instant coffee.
DELORES
Have you checked with all of the
hospitals?
(off Bert’s nod)
Maybe they got lost?
Delores takes a heaping scoop of instant coffee and plops it
in the cup of hot water.
BERT
Lost? The diner’s two blocks away.
She stirs the instant coffee before crossing to the fridge
and retrieving a bottle of Kahlua.
DELORES
You two are always tryin’ to one-up
each other.
Bert watches as she pours a hearty amount of Kahlua into the
coffee.
BERT
Really?
DELORES
What? Kahlua’s great in coffee.
BERT
(re: instant coffee)
That’s not coffee. We’ve had this
discussion before. Instant coffee
is an oxymoron.
Delores gives him a quizzical glare.
57.

DELORES
I don’t do drugs. This is Kahlua,
not like that prescription drug
that Janice died from down the
street. She overdosed right in
front of her grandchildren while
they were playin’ jump rope. She
was turnin’ the rope and then just
fell over and split her skull open
on the curb, right in front of them
children. God bless’em.
(beat)
How dare you think I’m on that oxy-
stuff.
Bert pauses for a moment, then gets it.
BERT
I said, oxymoron.
DELORES
I heard you the first time.
Delores sips from her coffee cup before adding a bit more
Kahlua.
DELORES (CONT’D)
What else you come here for?
BERT
(somber)
I think he’s trying to sleep with
my wife.
DELORES
Of course he is. Ever since you two
were little snot-nosed brats
playin’ out in the yard you were
competin’. Remember that time both
of you drank six or seven bottles
of my prune juice, thinkin’ it was
alcohol?
BERT
I remember--
DELORES
(laughs)
It smelled like rotten ass up in
here for two weeks!
Tea sprays from Bert’s mouth as he tries and fails to stop
laughing.
BERT
We did smell pretty bad.
58.

DELORES
Pretty bad? We had flies knocking
on the front door...
They laugh heartily again before they settle.
BERT
(somber)
I’ll kill him if he sleeps with my
wife.
DELORES
...not as long as I’m still on this
side of the dirt. You two are
brothers--
BERT
Half.
DELORES
Don’t make no difference, half or
whole, you’re still brothers. And
if it wasn’t for your no-good daddy
this wouldn’t have been a problem--
BERT
No-good? It was his dad that was a
dead-beat, not mine.
DELORES
That’s exactly what I’m talkin’
about. He used to come here with
food, clothes, baseball glove, a
basketball, and he didn’t bring
your brother nothin’--
BERT
Reginald wasn’t his responsibility--
DELORES
He even took you to Disneyland and
left your brother at home.
BERT
Reggie pissed in my Mickey Mouse
cap that night.
DELORES
Who do you think told him to do it?
Pregnant pause as they lock eyes.
BERT
(stands)
This was a bad idea.
59.

DELORES
Look, I know it wasn’t your fault
that your daddy was there for you.
In all honesty, it was my fault for
opening my legs to that man, but he
was so cute drivin’ that bus.
(beat)
Anyways, that’s not important. What
is important is that you need to
let your brother win sometimes.
(beat)
For example, you didn’t have to get
good grades all the time. Walking
in here braggin’ and carryin’ on...
BERT
Was I supposed to fail because he
didn’t take school seriously?
DELORES
It wouldn’t of hurt.
A brief pause before Bert puts down his cup of green tea and
stands.
BERT
I should go.
DELORES
You know where the door is.
MINA (V.O.)
Can we just skip to whatever it is
you think you know?
END FLASHBACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Mina confronts Bert about his old-fashioned ways and his relationship with his brother in Bert's living room. A flashback to a conversation between Bert and his mother, Delores, reveals Bert's suspicions about his brother trying to sleep with his wife. The emotional tone is tense and confrontational, with Mina expressing frustration and Bert attempting to continue the conversation despite her objections.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Flashbacks could be more seamlessly integrated

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' relationships, drawing the audience in with its tense and reflective tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family dynamics, past resentments, and the impact of history on present conflicts is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of Bert's past and present struggles, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to family drama, nuanced character relationships, and unexpected humor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Bert's character undergoes some reflection and realization about his past and present actions, leading to potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal in this scene is to confront Bert about his behavior and past actions, expressing her frustrations and disappointments. This reflects her deeper need for honesty, closure, and validation of her feelings.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal in this scene is to address the potential threat to his marriage and confront his brother. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in his personal life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily stemming from the characters' past resentments and current tensions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, unresolved tensions, and emotional confrontations between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily emotional and relational, with the potential for significant impact on the characters' future interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' motivations and relationships, moving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor, shifting power dynamics, and unresolved conflicts between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of family loyalty versus personal responsibility. Delores emphasizes the importance of family unity and forgiveness, while Bert struggles with feelings of betrayal and competition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of family relationships and past regrets.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character dynamics and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, emotional depth, and intriguing backstory. The conflicts and tensions between the characters keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with reflective pauses, emotional beats, and flashback sequences. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and clarity of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between past and present events, well-defined character arcs, and a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly between Mina confronting Bert in the present and a flashback to a conversation between Bert and his mother, Delores, which disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Mina and Bert feels forced and lacks natural progression, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their emotions.
  • The flashback to Bert's conversation with his mother, Delores, while providing background information, feels disconnected from the present confrontation between Mina and Bert.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, with the dialogue meandering between Bert's relationship with his mother and Mina's grievances, leading to a lack of cohesion.
  • The visual elements in the flashback sequence could be more engaging and relevant to the present conflict between Mina and Bert, enhancing the storytelling and emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a more seamless transition between the present confrontation and the flashback, ensuring a smoother flow of the narrative.
  • Focus on developing the dialogue between Mina and Bert to be more organic and emotionally resonant, allowing the audience to empathize with the characters' struggles.
  • Integrate the flashback more effectively into the present conflict, drawing parallels between Bert's past experiences with his mother and his current relationship issues with Mina.
  • Clarify the central theme or message of the scene to provide a stronger narrative direction and emotional impact for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling in the flashback sequence to complement the present conflict, creating a more cohesive and immersive viewing experience.



Scene 25 -  Seeking Acknowledgement
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina, impatient, arms folded, eyes Bert and then Nestor and
Dale.
MINA
You two ain’t got nothin’ to say?
NESTOR
Too much backstory if you ask me.
DALE
Yea, Bert, I like your mom and all
but...that prune juice part was
funny though.
BERT
(to Mina)
Are you ready?
60.

MINA
Been ready.
FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - MORNING
The next morning, Bert exits the house in a hurry, toting his
lunch, thermos and jacket.
BERT (V.O.)
It happened the next morning.
He walks at a brisk pace down the block.

EXT. CITY STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Bert waits at the signal. He eyes a bus headed in the
opposite direction before glancing down at his watch. It’s
not there.
BERT
Shit.
A PEDESTRIAN stands near him at the corner.
BERT (CONT’D)
Excuse me, do you have the time?
The Pedestrian checks their smartphone.
PEDESTRIAN
7:15

EXT. BERT’S STREET - MINUTES LATER
Bert, in a full sweat, runs around the corner, headed towards
his house...when suddenly he slows and comes to a full stop,
two houses away.
His chest heaving, sweat absorbed in his shirt collar, he
eyes Boss-Man’s Corvette parked in front of his house.
After a few agonizing beats, Bert crosses to the front door.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bert closes the door and quietly crosses to the bedroom door.
61.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Boss-Man, his gold and gaudy BM necklace dangles, as he pumps
feverishly above Mina.
NESTOR & DALE (V.O.)
Damn!
The bedroom door slowly opens and Bert peers into the room,
eyes the sexual act, and then his watch resting on a nearby
dresser. He slowly and quietly retrieves his watch before
closing the bedroom door.
MINA (V.O.)
Okay, so I lied...
END FLASHBACK:

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina eyes Bert.
MINA
I’m sorry.
Uncomfortable pause is broken with...
BERT
I’ve always wondered what I’d say
to you if we ever got the chance
to have a heart-to-heart--
MINA
Apology accepted?
BERT
(reflective pause)
That’s not quite what I had in
mind.
(beat)
You betrayed me.
MINA
So what do you want me to do, Bert?
It’s not like I can wave a magic
wand and fix it.
BERT
I’m not asking you to fix it, Mina.
MINA
Then what do you want?
BERT
Acknowledgement.
62.

MINA
I just apologized.
BERT
I know, but it’s up to me to decide
when or if I accept your apology.
MINA
(to Dale and Nester)
You see, this is exactly why... He
can’t move on. He can never move
on. He just rehashes everything,
like bringing up every time I
showed up five minutes late--
BERT
I bought you a watch--
MINA
I don’t need a fuckin’ watch! Who
wears a watch anymore anyway!
Uneasy pause, then...
NESTOR
But if this is how he feels, Mina,
and you’ve admitted to betraying
him, his feelings need to be
addressed in a thoughtful manner.
DALE
Yea, you don’t get to dictate when
he should move on and get over it.
Bert has every right to seek solace
and closure at his own pace.
Mina pauses, eyeing the three men in disbelief.
MINA
(looking around)
Am I getting punked? Where’re the
cameras? Is Dr. Phil in the
bedroom?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Mina confronts Bert, Nestor, and Dale about their lack of response to a situation. Bert then has a flashback to catching Mina with Boss-Man in a compromising position. The conflict arises from Bert feeling betrayed by Mina and seeking acknowledgement from her. The emotional tone is tense and reflective, with underlying feelings of betrayal and unresolved issues. The scene ends with Bert seeking acknowledgement from Mina, who struggles to understand his need for closure.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Effective use of flashbacks
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come across as overly dramatic or forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances tension, reflection, and humor, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' inner conflicts and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heart-to-heart confrontation between characters with a history of betrayal and unresolved issues is compelling. The use of flashbacks adds layers to the storytelling and enhances character development.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and revelations about past events. The tension between the characters escalates, setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of betrayal, forgiveness, and closure, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth. The dialogue feels realistic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions. Each character has distinct motivations and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships during the scene. Their interactions and revelations lead to personal growth and self-reflection.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek acknowledgement for the betrayal he experienced and to confront the person who betrayed him. This reflects his need for closure and validation of his feelings.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address the betrayal he experienced and seek closure. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting the person who betrayed him and dealing with the aftermath of the betrayal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters is palpable, with tensions running high and emotions simmering beneath the surface. The confrontation adds layers to the existing conflicts and sets the stage for further developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional stakes that drive the conflict forward. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters confront past betrayals and seek closure and redemption. The outcome of the confrontation could have significant consequences for their relationships and future actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters' pasts and motivations. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, acceptance, and closure. The protagonist's belief in seeking acknowledgement and closure clashes with the betrayer's defensiveness and lack of accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and resentment to reflection and humor. The characters' emotional journeys are compelling and resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' emotions and relationships. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, realistic dialogue, and character dynamics. The tension and drama keep the audience invested in the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and dramatic intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the emotional intensity of the confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and conflict between Bert, Mina, Nestor, and Dale through their dialogue and actions.
  • The use of flashbacks adds depth to Bert and Mina's relationship, providing insight into their past and current struggles.
  • The dialogue is realistic and engaging, showcasing the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.
  • The scene effectively conveys Bert's feelings of betrayal and his desire for acknowledgment from Mina.
  • The dynamic between the characters is well-developed, with each character having a distinct voice and role in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore deeper into Bert and Mina's relationship dynamics to further develop their conflict and resolution.
  • Provide more context or backstory to strengthen the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and actions.
  • Consider incorporating more subtext or underlying tension to add layers to the scene.
  • Experiment with different pacing or structure to create a more dynamic and engaging scene.



Scene 26 -  Undercover Operation
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
People are still out lighting fireworks and milling about.
ANGLE ON: A stroller being pushed by Hector down a driveway,
onto the sidewalk and to his pick-up truck parked at the
curb.
ANGLE ON: Vera, on the front porch, watching.
63.

Hector reaches the truck and inconspicuously reaches into the
bed, lifts up the tarp covered with tree clippings, branches
and mulch...to reveal several white packages of drugs taped
together.
After a brief pause, he turns and gives Vera a conspiratorial
nod before discreetly removing the drugs and placing them in
the empty stroller, and covering them with a blanket.

INT. HECTOR'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Vera enters the house where the Latino Gangsters wait in her
dining room, cleaning and reloading their handguns. Julio,
their leader, readies an AR-15.
VERA
(Spanish)
It’s still there.
Hector enters the house with the stroller.
JULIO
(Spanish)
So what do you want us to do?
HECTOR
(Spanish)
It was probably a mistake. Maybe we
should just forget about it?
JULIO
(to Hector/English)
It’s not up to you, ese.
Vera paces the floor, contemplating her decision.
JULIO (CONT’D)
(Spanish)
If something were to happen, and it
was discovered that we didn’t get
rid of the problem when we had the
chance--
VERA
I know.
A BABY MONITOR on the kitchen counter crackles to life with
the whine and then cry of their baby.
HECTOR
(English)
I think we should wait.
The baby continues to cry.
64.

VERA
(Spanish)
I think you should check on our
baby.
HECTOR
(Spanish)
I was okay with just being a
gardener.
VERA
(English)
I wasn’t.
Vera picks up the crackling baby monitor and tosses it to
Hector.
They lock eyes for a moment before Hector walks off.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Hector discreetly hides drugs in a stroller while Vera watches. They enter a house where Latino Gangsters are present, discussing what to do. Julio questions Hector's decision, leading to a tense conflict. Vera contemplates her next move as the scene ends with Hector being asked to check on their crying baby, leaving the audience in suspense.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the introduction of new criminal elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new plot point while maintaining the tension and suspense established in previous scenes. The addition of criminal elements adds depth to the story and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a drug-related dilemma among the characters adds a new layer of complexity to the existing narrative. It raises the stakes and creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the drug-related conflict, adding new obstacles for the characters to navigate. The scene maintains a high level of tension and intrigue.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the criminal underworld, focusing on family dynamics and moral conflicts within a criminal context. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the drug discovery reveal more about their motivations and values. The scene deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' complexities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters are forced to confront their values and make difficult decisions, leading to potential changes in their relationships and motivations. The scene sets the stage for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their family and make a decision that aligns with their values and desires.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a dangerous situation involving a drug deal and potential consequences with the Latino Gangsters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal relationships, criminal activities, and moral dilemmas. The characters are faced with difficult choices that will have significant consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and potential consequences adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes decision-making and the potential consequences of the characters' actions raise the tension and suspense in the scene. The characters are faced with life-changing choices that will impact their futures.

Story Forward: 9

The scene introduces a new plot point that significantly advances the story. The characters' decisions and actions have far-reaching consequences that propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the uncertain outcome of the protagonist's decision and the potential consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral compass and the choices they make in a criminal environment. It challenges their beliefs about right and wrong, loyalty, and family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including suspense, anxiety, and determination. The characters' internal struggles and external conflicts create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting emotions and motivations. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a dramatic screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene introduces Hector discreetly hiding drugs in a stroller, which sets up a potentially tense and suspenseful situation. However, the execution of the scene lacks depth and complexity in terms of character development and conflict resolution.
  • The dialogue between Hector, Vera, and Julio feels somewhat cliched and lacks nuance. The interactions between the characters could be more dynamic and engaging to create a more compelling scene.
  • The decision-making process of the characters, particularly Vera and Hector, could be further explored to add layers to their motivations and actions. This would help in building tension and suspense within the scene.
  • The use of multiple languages (Spanish and English) adds authenticity to the setting and characters, but it could be utilized more effectively to enhance the cultural dynamics and relationships between the characters.
  • Overall, the scene has potential but needs more depth in terms of character development, dialogue, and conflict resolution to fully engage the audience and drive the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into the characters' motivations and internal conflicts to add complexity and depth to the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging, focusing on creating dynamic interactions between the characters.
  • Explore the cultural dynamics and relationships between the characters by utilizing the use of multiple languages more effectively.
  • Build tension and suspense by further developing the decision-making process of the characters, particularly Vera and Hector.
  • Ensure that the scene contributes meaningfully to the overall narrative arc and character development, providing a clear progression in the story.



Scene 27 -  Contemplating Truth
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Bert and Mina stand on opposite sides of the bed, gazing down
at Felicia and Boss-Man’s lifeless bodies.
BERT
You’re not upset?
MINA
(beat)
I should be, but I was actually
more upset knowing that he was
cheating on me...with her.
(off Bert’s gaze)
It doesn’t matter. I’ve got two-
million reasons to get over it,
right?
(pause)
I guess I’m a widow now.
BERT
...and I’m a widower.
MINA
Don’t even think about it.
BERT
Not a chance.
(beat)
I would consider it.
MINA
I wouldn’t.
Uncomfortable pause.
65.

MINA (CONT’D)
I know someone with a wood-chipper.
BERT
A wood-chipper? That’s disgusting.
No. Absolutely not.
(beat)
Is it expensive? No, redact that.
MINA
Then what’s your plan?
BERT
(pause)
I don’t have one.
(beat)
Maybe I’ll tell them the truth?
MINA
You’ll go to prison.
BERT
But it’s the right thing to do.
Mina softens and eyes the man she once loved.
MINA
I wouldn’t expect anything less
from you, Bert.
(beat)
Do you think I can have a moment
alone with him?
BERT
Sure. Sorry. I’ll be in the living
room.
They lock eyes before Bert walks off.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Bert and Mina discuss their feelings about the deaths of Felicia and Boss-Man, with Mina revealing she knew about the affair. They contemplate whether to tell the truth or keep it a secret, with Bert considering honesty despite the consequences. The scene ends with Bert giving Mina a moment alone with Boss-Man before he exits the room.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of tension, emotion, and moral complexity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting past actions, dealing with loss, and facing moral decisions is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the violent event and make decisions that will impact their futures.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of betrayal, revenge, and morality, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations, conflicts, and emotional arcs that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they confront past actions, deal with loss, and make difficult decisions, leading to potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the betrayal and loss she has experienced, while also grappling with the moral dilemma of seeking revenge or justice.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to decide how to handle the situation of discovering her partner's infidelity and subsequent death, while also dealing with the potential legal consequences of her actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters confront past actions, deal with loss, and make moral decisions that could have serious consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting views and motivations driving the characters' actions and decisions. The uncertainty of the characters' fates adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face moral dilemmas, potential consequences, and emotional turmoil that could impact their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing deeper connections between the characters, advancing the plot, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, as well as the moral ambiguity and tension that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on morality, justice, and revenge. Mina's willingness to seek violent retribution contrasts with Bert's desire to do the right thing, creating tension and challenging their beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the characters' expressions of sadness, regret, and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and moral dilemmas, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, dark humor, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on edge and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and moments of reflection that enhance the emotional impact of the characters' decisions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the narrative flow. The formatting contributes to the scene's readability and impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a dramatic climax. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's overall impact.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Bert and Mina feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow. The transition from discussing the deaths of Felicia and Boss-Man to considering using a wood-chipper is abrupt and doesn't feel organic to the conversation.
  • The humor injected into the scene with the wood-chipper comment may not land well given the serious nature of the situation. It could come off as insensitive or out of place.
  • The dialogue exchange about telling the truth and going to prison feels cliched and lacks depth. It doesn't fully explore the emotional complexity of the characters' predicament.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and exploration of the characters' internal struggles. There is potential for a deeper exploration of grief, betrayal, and moral dilemmas.
  • The transition from Bert offering to give Mina a moment alone with Boss-Man to abruptly leaving the room feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the emotional tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Focus on developing the characters' internal conflicts and motivations.
  • Explore alternative ways to convey the characters' emotions and dilemmas without relying on cliched dialogue or humor that may detract from the seriousness of the scene.
  • Add more layers to the conversation between Bert and Mina to deepen their relationship dynamics and the impact of the situation on their emotional state.
  • Work on creating a more seamless transition between different beats of the scene to maintain the emotional tension and flow of the dialogue.
  • Consider incorporating subtle gestures, expressions, and body language to enhance the emotional depth of the scene and convey the characters' inner turmoil.



Scene 28 -  Unexpected Decision
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale sit on the sofa, still nursing their wounds
as Bert enters with his heart on his sleeve.
BERT
I thought you two would be out of
here by now.
NESTOR
We talked about it.
(off Bert’s look)
What’s wrong?
BERT
Nothing. I’m fine.
66.

Bert crosses to the kitchen and retrieves a seltzer water.
BERT (CONT’D)
(opens can)
Seltzer water?
NESTOR DALE
I’m good. No thanks.

Bert drinks from the can.
DALE (CONT’D)
Nestor thinks we should get rid of
her.
NESTOR
You think so too. Don’t just put
that on me.
BERT
Oh, she’s leaving after--
DALE
(somber)
We’re not talking about her walking
out of that door, Bert.
Short beat before Bert understands...
BERT
You want me to kill my wife, I
mean, ex-wife?
NESTOR
Shhh. Keep it down.
(whispers)
What happens when she finds out
it’s over six-hundred million? Then
what? Do we apologize and say it
was a bookkeeping error?
DALE
Think about it, Bert, she knows
about the bodies and the money.
She’s not gonna go away. Every time
we turn around she’ll be
blackmailing us...I mean,
threatening us.
NESTOR
Dale thinks we can still get to
that farm before sunrise.
Bert steps back and takes a hard look at his friends.
BERT
So this is what it’s come to?
67.

NESTOR
We’re only trying to protect you,
Bert.
BERT
Protect me from who, you or Dale?
(beat)
Between us three somebody’s gonna
sprout a conscience and the next
thing you know we’ll be down to
two.
DALE
What does that mean?
BERT
That means that I’ll get suspicious
of you, put a bullet in your head
and then Nestor will eventually do
the same to me--
NESTOR
That’s not gonna happen.
BERT
Who says? You? A few hours ago you
didn’t want to be an accomplice and
now your talkin’ about killin’
witnesses and burying them on a
farm?
Tense pause as his words resonate.
NESTOR
So what’re you gonna do, turn
yourself in?
Nestor turns to Dale, then back to Bert.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
Oh shit...
(re: Mina)
What did she say to you?
Bert, reflective, pauses, then...
BERT
She didn’t say anything I already
knew.
(beat)
There isn’t a scenario where we all
walk away from this as friends.
(beat)
(MORE)
68.

BERT (CONT’D)
I want you two to take the ticket,
cash it in, give a third of my
share to Mina, another third to my
mother, and put the last third in
my bank account to cover legal
expenses.
DALE
You’re serious?
BERT
I’ve never been more serious in my
life.
(tears well)
Now go before I change my mind.
Bert opens the front door.
NESTOR
No.
BERT
Nestor, this is non-negotia--
NESTOR
We’ll stay until the cops get here
and make sure there’s no abuse.
(beat)
I don’t want you to end up in a
body-bag.
Bert and Nestor fist pump.
BERT
Good-lookin’ out.
DALE
And I’ll record everything with my
phone.
Bert takes a moment.
BERT
I don’t know what to say.
NESTOR
Say thank you.
BERT
Thank you.
Group hug!
69.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Bert is confronted by Nestor and Dale about their plan to get rid of his ex-wife. Tensions rise as they discuss the risks involved in their scheme, leading Bert to make a decision that surprises his friends. The main conflict revolves around the disagreement between the characters, but is ultimately resolved when Bert surprises Nestor and Dale with his decision, leading to a group hug symbolizing their solidarity.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals the characters' internal conflicts, leading to a pivotal moment of decision-making. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, adding depth to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, betrayal, and moral dilemmas is well-executed in this scene. The characters' conflicting motivations and the ethical choices they face create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and confrontations. The tension between the characters escalates, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of betrayal, loyalty, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their internal struggles are portrayed convincingly. The dynamics between Bert, Nestor, and Dale add depth to the scene, showcasing their conflicting loyalties and moral compasses.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant internal changes in this scene, as they grapple with difficult decisions and confront their own moral compasses. Their choices reflect their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the betrayal of his friends and make a decision about his future. This reflects his need for loyalty, trust, and a sense of moral integrity.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to resolve the immediate threat of his friends' betrayal and potential danger. He must make a decision that will impact his future and safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, stemming from the characters' conflicting interests and moral dilemmas. The tension between the characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and moral dilemmas driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters face life-changing decisions and moral dilemmas that could have dire consequences. The tension and suspense are heightened by the characters' conflicting interests.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing key information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future developments. The characters' decisions have far-reaching consequences that drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' decisions and the moral ambiguity of their actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral compasses and the choices they are willing to make to protect themselves. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty, trust, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to reflection and hope. The characters' emotional struggles resonate with the audience, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful, revealing the characters' vulnerabilities and motivations. It drives the conflict and adds layers to the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic tension, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' moral dilemmas and conflicting motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of decision for the protagonist. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8.5

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of decision for the protagonist. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and filled with tension, which is effective in conveying the high stakes and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.
  • The dialogue is strong and drives the conflict forward, revealing the characters' motivations and inner turmoil.
  • There is a good balance of action and dialogue, keeping the scene engaging and dynamic.
  • The emotional depth of the characters is well portrayed, especially Bert's internal struggle and his realization of the consequences of their actions.
  • The scene effectively sets up the moral dilemma and the characters' conflicting motivations, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to break up the dialogue-heavy scenes and enhance the overall cinematic experience.
  • Explore opportunities for character development through actions and reactions, in addition to dialogue, to deepen the audience's connection to the characters.
  • Consider tightening the pacing in certain sections to maintain the tension and keep the audience engaged throughout the scene.
  • Ensure that the resolution of the conflict feels satisfying and organic to the characters' arcs, while still leaving room for further development in the story.
  • Continue to build on the strong emotional core of the scene to further explore the complex relationships and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.



Scene 29 -  The Powerball Dilemma
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina eyes Boss-Man, his BM necklace and Felicia’s lifeless
body.
MINA
(utters)
...with that said, I hope both of
you rot in hell.
Boss-Man’s right eye twitches, then opens...and quickly
closes.
Mina thinks she’s seeing things.
MINA (CONT’D)
(utters/leans in)
Did your eye just open?
He opens his eye again. Mina, startled, yelps.
BOSS-MAN
Shhh!
MINA
You’re alive?
(beat)
Is she?
BOSS-MAN
No. This bitch has been fartin’ on
me for the past hour.
(beat)
Help get her off of me.
Mina helps push Felicia off the bed. She lands with a thud on
the opposite side of the bed and farts.
MINA
Ewww.
(beat/mocking)
Bye, Felicia.
BOSS-MAN
Was that really necessary?
Boss Man, covering himself with a sheet, sits up in bed and
we see the gunshot wound to his shoulder and hip region. He
winces in pain.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
Pass me my pants.
Mina hands him his pants from the chair.
70.

MINA
(re: affair)
You know this isn’t over, right?
Boss-Man puts on his pants under the sheets.
BOSS-MAN
This isn’t what you think it is.
(beat)
She came after me.
MINA
Did she?
BOSS-MAN
I was minding my own business--
MINA
And then what? You slipped between
her legs?
BOSS-MAN
At least I’m not makin’ goog-lee
eyes talkin’ about bein’ a widow.
MINA
I wasn’t makin’ goog-lee eyes.
Boss-Man, grimacing, rolls out of bed, buttons his pants and
picks up his gun resting on the floor.
MINA (CONT’D)
We need to get you to a hospital.
He checks the clip for bullets. It’s good-to-go.
BOSS-MAN
I’ll be fine.
(beat)
Bert’s lying to you. It’s a
Powerball ticket...they won over
six-hundred million. They were
talking about it before you showed
up.
MINA
Six-hundred million?
BOSS-MAN
Over. I heard everything. Now, I
know we’ve got this little
situation we have to discuss, but
right now, we need to get that
ticket. Do you still have that
piece I gave you?
71.

MINA
It’s in my purse.
BOSS-MAN
Lock and load.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Mina confronts Boss-Man in the bedroom where she finds him alive and Felicia dead. Boss-Man reveals he was attacked by Felicia and asks for Mina's help. Mina discovers a gunshot wound on Boss-Man and they discuss a Powerball ticket worth over six-hundred million dollars. The conflict arises from Mina's suspicion of Boss-Man's involvement in Felicia's death and his affair, but is partially resolved as Boss-Man explains his side of the story and asks for Mina's help. The scene ends with Boss-Man and Mina planning to retrieve the Powerball ticket and address their current situation.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Building tension
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of dark humor may not resonate with all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with intense dialogue and reveals crucial information about the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing secrets and escalating tensions through dialogue is effectively executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the Powerball ticket and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the crime genre with its mix of drama, dark humor, and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Mina and Boss-Man's relationship undergoes a significant shift as secrets are revealed and tensions rise.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal in this scene is to confront Boss-Man about his betrayal and deception, as well as to uncover the truth behind Felicia's death. This reflects her deeper need for justice, closure, and the desire to protect herself from further harm.

External Goal: 7.5

Mina's external goal in this scene is to ensure Boss-Man's safety and potentially retrieve the Powerball ticket mentioned by Boss-Man. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a wounded and potentially dangerous individual while also navigating the criminal underworld.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Mina and Boss-Man is palpable and drives the scene's intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mina confronting Boss-Man about his lies and deception, creating a tense and dramatic conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as secrets are revealed, alliances are tested, and the characters' fates hang in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, dark humor, and sharp dialogue that keep the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between truth and deception, justice and betrayal. Mina's beliefs in honesty and accountability are challenged by Boss-Man's lies and manipulation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to dark humor, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals important information about the characters' relationships and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of tension, dark humor, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and drama through the characters' interactions and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the crime thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a tense and dramatic confrontation in a crime thriller genre. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels forced and lacks authenticity. The interactions between Mina and Boss-Man come across as unrealistic and melodramatic, especially considering the serious nature of the situation.
  • The tone of the scene is inconsistent, shifting between moments of tension and attempts at humor. This inconsistency detracts from the overall impact of the scene and undermines the gravity of the characters' actions and emotions.
  • The character motivations and reactions are not well-developed or believable. Mina's response to discovering Boss-Man alive after believing him to be dead is underwhelming and lacks depth, given the circumstances.
  • The humor injected into the scene, particularly with Felicia's farting and the 'Bye, Felicia' line, feels out of place and detracts from the seriousness of the scene. It undermines the tension and emotional weight of the moment.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in addressing the complex dynamics between Mina and Boss-Man. The dialogue is too on-the-nose and does not leave room for subtext or deeper exploration of their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations. Focus on creating authentic interactions that enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure that the emotional impact is not diluted by shifts in humor or melodrama. Stay true to the gravity of the situation and the characters' internal conflicts.
  • Develop the character reactions and responses to be more nuanced and realistic. Explore the complexities of Mina and Boss-Man's relationship in a way that adds depth and authenticity to their interactions.
  • Avoid using humor as a crutch in tense or emotional scenes. Instead, focus on building tension and drama through subtle character dynamics and meaningful dialogue.
  • Embrace subtlety and subtext in the interactions between Mina and Boss-Man. Allow for moments of silence and non-verbal communication to convey the depth of their relationship and the weight of the situation.



Scene 30 -  Tense Standoff in Bert's Kitchen
INT. HECTOR'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Hector, toting his baby in a blanket, crosses to the living
room, but stops once he eyes the four Gangsters doing push-
ups, feign fighting, and prepare for warfare.
Vera sits at the head of the table, smoking a cigarette.
After a moment she looks up to see Hector with the baby. They
lock eyes for a couple beats before Hector turns and walks
off.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Dale opens the refrigerator.
DALE
You got any beer in here?
Bert and Nestor chat near the dining table.
NESTOR
Remember, don’t answer any
questions. Ask for a lawyer.
(re: Mina)
How long does it take to say
goodbye? She’s been in there for at
least twenty minutes.
BERT
(to Dale)
Bottom shelf.
Dale bends down to find a couple cans of beer on the bottom
shelf.
DALE
(utters)
Who puts beer on the bottom shelf?
Dale retrieves a can, then turns to see Boss-Man, shirtless,
and Mina, pointing their guns at them.
He drops the can of beer and it sprays all over the floor.
Bert and Nestor, angered at first by the spritzing can of
beer, but then...
72.

NESTOR DALE (CONT’D)
Boss-Man? You’re alive.

With Boss-Man’s free hand, he covers his hip wound that’s
oozing blood.
BERT
Is Felicia still alive?
BOSS-MAN
What do you think, Bert? You shot
her in the back, remember?
(beat)
Sit down at the table and keep your
hands where I can see’um.
(to Dale)
You to.
The three men move to the kitchen table and sit.
BERT
You shot at me first.
BOSS-MAN
I was just scarin’ you, that’s all.
(wink)
How’s your shoulder?
Mina eyes the oozing wound on Boss-Man’s hip.
MINA
I’ll get you a towel.
BOSS-MAN
Thank you, Sweetheart.
Mina confidently crosses to the drawer nearest the
dishwasher.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
(to Bert/sings)
I know a secret...
ANGLE ON: Mina, opening the drawer to reveal kitchen
utensils.
MINA
Where’re the towels?
BERT
Felicia moved them to the other
side of the sink.
MINA
She moved them? But this is the
dishwasher, on this side, where the
towels should be.
(MORE)
73.

MINA (CONT’D)
It only makes sense. Who puts
towels in the drawer on the OTHER
side of the dishwasher?
All four men turn to Mina as she throws up her hands and
sighs heavily.
MINA (CONT’D)
I knew there was a reason why I
never liked her.
BOSS-MAN
Woman, will you shut up and just
bring me a towel before I bleed
out!
BERT
Don’t speak to her like that.
Mina opens the other drawer, retrieves a couple towels,
crosses to Boss-Man, and applies pressure to his wound.
BOSS-MAN
What’re you gonna do about it?
(beat/re: towels/to Mina)
Thank you.
(beat)
So...where’s that winning Powerball
ticket?
(off their surprised look)
Now, I was never too good at math,
but I was in school that day when
they taught us the difference
between six million and six hundred
million.
(beat)
I’m guessin’ you boys must’ve been
absent that day?
From Bert’s POV we see the end table where he stowed his
handgun in the living room, before turning back to Boss-Man.
NESTOR DALE
She can have half of mine. Mine too.
After a couple beats, Boss-Man and Mina begin to laugh.
DALE (CONT’D)
What’s so funny?
BERT
They want all of it.
Nestor reacts physically to that answer, mumbling a few swear
words.
74.

BOSS-MAN
Don’t fret, Nestor...I’m not going
to take everything. We’ll leave you
with a little taste.
BERT
How much of a taste?
Boss-Man hymns and haws for a moment.
BOSS-MAN
Maybe six-million, minus taxes and
fees, shipping, workman’s comp,
labor, business insurance,
incidentals...which would bring it
to about one-million, give or take.
(beat/to Bert)
You won’t need that much where
you’re going, I mean, killing your
wife and all.
NESTOR
That’s it...one-million?
MINA
Give or take.
DALE
Each?
BOSS-MAN
To split...and I’ll also throw in
the remainder of your lives, free
of charge...after you give me that
ticket.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Hector walks into his house to find Gangsters preparing for warfare, while Dale, Bert, Nestor, Boss-Man, and Mina are in Bert's kitchen discussing a Powerball ticket. Tensions rise as Boss-Man demands the ticket from the others, leading to a tense standoff filled with humor and threat. The scene ends with negotiations still ongoing, leaving the resolution uncertain.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled negotiation
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong mix of tension, humor, and suspense. The negotiation over the Powerball ticket adds a layer of complexity to the plot and characters, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a negotiation over a winning Powerball ticket in the midst of a tense situation is unique and adds depth to the storyline. The scene effectively explores the characters' motivations and relationships through the negotiation.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the negotiation over the Powerball ticket, which reveals new information about the characters and their relationships. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements to the crime genre, such as the unexpected humor and the complex dynamics between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in the dialogue and actions. The negotiation reveals new facets of their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

The negotiation and revelations in the scene lead to some character growth and changes, especially in their relationships and motivations. The characters' actions and decisions hint at future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Hector's internal goal in this scene is to protect his baby and keep them safe from the dangerous environment he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the dangerous situation with the gangsters and come out unscathed. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters negotiate over the Powerball ticket. Tensions run high, leading to a suspenseful and intense atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and conflicting motivations that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The negotiation over the winning Powerball ticket raises the stakes significantly, adding tension and suspense to the scene. The characters' fates and relationships hinge on the outcome of the negotiation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up new conflicts, revelations, and developments. The negotiation over the Powerball ticket changes the dynamics between the characters and hints at future plot twists.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' values of loyalty, survival, and greed. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and the lengths he is willing to go to protect himself and his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to dark humor to suspense. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes negotiation add depth and emotional impact to the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and filled with tension. The characters' interactions during the negotiation are engaging and reveal important information about their past and present conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Hector's house to Bert's kitchen without a clear connection or smooth transition, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The introduction of the Gangsters preparing for warfare in Hector's house feels disconnected from the main storyline and lacks context or relevance to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially the banter between Bert, Nestor, Dale, and Boss-Man, feels forced and lacks authenticity, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The tension and conflict in the scene feel contrived and do not build organically, resulting in a lack of emotional impact and depth in the interactions between the characters.
  • The humor and light-hearted moments, such as the towel drawer exchange, feel out of place given the serious nature of the situation with Boss-Man's gunshot wound and the Powerball ticket.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction or purpose, with the characters engaging in superficial dialogue and actions that do not significantly advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The resolution of the conflict surrounding the Powerball ticket and the division of the winnings feels rushed and anticlimactic, missing an opportunity to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to establish a stronger connection between Hector's storyline and the main plot in Bert's house, providing a more seamless transition between the two locations.
  • Focus on developing the tension and conflict in a more organic and nuanced way, allowing the emotions and motivations of the characters to drive the scene forward and create a more engaging narrative.
  • Revisit the dialogue to ensure it feels authentic and serves to deepen the relationships between the characters, adding layers of complexity and depth to their interactions.
  • Integrate moments of humor and light-heartedness more effectively within the context of the scene, balancing them with the serious and dramatic elements to create a more cohesive tone.
  • Enhance the resolution of the conflict surrounding the Powerball ticket by building up the stakes, motivations, and consequences for the characters, leading to a more impactful and satisfying conclusion.



Scene 31 -  Powerball Tension
INT. HECTOR'S HOUSE - BABY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Hector hums softly into his sleeping baby’s ear before
placing her in the crib. After a couple beats, he turns to a
nearby window, opens it, and climbs out.

EXT. HECTOR'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
Once in front of the house, Hector eyes the parked low-riders
before turning to Bert’s house and jogging across the street.

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Hector crosses the front lawn, then pauses and he decides to
go to the back of Bert’s house.
75.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Nestor slides the Powerball ticket in the plastic baggie to
the center of the table. Boss-Man examines it.
BOSS-MAN
(to Mina)
You got your phone on you?
MINA
In my purse.
Boss-Man hands her the ticket.
BOSS-MAN
Check the numbers.
Mina takes the ticket and crosses to the living room.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
(to Bert)
Looks like, when the smoke
clears...I get the girl, the money,
and the dub.
DALE
The dub?
NESTOR
The win.
BOSS-MAN
Mina, what’s up with those numbers?
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Hector puts his baby to sleep before sneaking out to Bert's house. Inside, Boss-Man asks Mina to check the numbers on a Powerball ticket, leading to tense discussions about potential winnings and shares of the money. The scene ends with Mina being tasked with verifying the ticket numbers.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the negotiation and confrontational dialogue. The high stakes and emotional impact make it engaging for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating over a valuable Powerball ticket adds intrigue and conflict to the scene. It drives the plot forward and reveals more about the characters' motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters discuss the Powerball ticket and their conflicting interests. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar situation, with characters engaging in morally ambiguous actions that challenge traditional values. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear during the negotiation. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their motivations and relationships during the negotiation, setting up potential shifts in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Hector's internal goal in this scene is to confront Bert about something important. This reflects his need for closure or resolution in a personal matter.

External Goal: 7

Hector's external goal is to retrieve something from Bert's house. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with multiple characters vying for control of the Powerball ticket. Tensions rise as the negotiation unfolds.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult decisions and conflicting motivations that create suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' futures depending on the outcome of the negotiation. It adds urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the Powerball ticket and the characters' relationships. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Boss-Man's desire for power and control, and the other characters' more laid-back attitudes towards the situation. This challenges Hector's values of honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, especially as the characters reveal their true intentions and motivations. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals the characters' true intentions. It drives the negotiation forward and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense and intrigue through the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from Hector putting his baby to sleep to him climbing out of the window and heading to Bert's house feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Boss-Man, Mina, and the others in the kitchen lacks depth and emotional impact, considering the high stakes and tension surrounding the Powerball ticket.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, such as detailing the body language and facial expressions of the characters.
  • The interaction between the characters in the kitchen feels rushed and could be expanded upon to build more suspense and intrigue.
  • The dynamics between the characters could be further explored to add layers to their relationships and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition scene to better connect Hector leaving his house and arriving at Bert's house.
  • Enhance the dialogue by adding more subtext and emotional depth to reflect the high stakes of the situation.
  • Include more visual cues to create a vivid picture of the characters' interactions and the tense atmosphere in the kitchen.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more tension to build and for the characters' motivations to be more clearly conveyed.
  • Explore the relationships between the characters in more detail to add complexity and depth to their interactions.



Scene 32 -  Unexpected Visitor
INT. BERT’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina finds her purse, and pulls out her phone.
MINA
I’m working on it.
BOSS-MAN (O.S.)
Work faster.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Startled, she drops her phone and turns back to the kitchen.
MINA
Someone’s at the back door.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
All four men, just out of eyeshot from the backdoor, watch as
Hector knocks and tries to peer inside.
76.

HECTOR (O.S.)
Mr. Bert! It’s me, Hector.
Mina slowly enters the kitchen. Boss-Man gestures for her to
keep quiet.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
HECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Mr. Bert?
Boss-Man turns to Bert.
BOSS-MAN
Make him go away.
After a beat, Bert stands and slowly crosses to the backdoor.
Knock. Knock...
Bert turns to Nestor and Dale before...
BERT
I’ll be right back.
Bert opens the door, steps outside and closes it behind him.
BOSS-MAN
(utters)
What the fuck is he doing?
(to Mina)
Did you check the numbers?
MINA
I dropped my phone--
BOSS-MAN
Then pick it up.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mina is caught off guard by Hector's unannounced visit at Bert's house, while Boss-Man instructs Bert to make him leave. Tensions rise as Boss-Man demands Mina to check some numbers on her phone, adding to the suspense of the scene.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged with its suspenseful tone and urgent situation. The use of flashbacks adds layers to the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of unexpected visitors, hidden information, and past secrets coming to light is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the unexpected visitor and the need to check important information on the phone.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of criminal activity but adds a fresh twist with the unexpected visitor and the characters' conflicting loyalties. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with their pasts and relationships adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the revelations and confrontations hint at potential changes in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Mina's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and follow the instructions given to her by Boss-Man. This reflects her fear of consequences and desire to please her superiors in this criminal operation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the unexpected visitor, Hector, without raising suspicion or alerting him to their illegal activities. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining secrecy and control over the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the unexpected visitor, and the urgency to check information creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters are faced with a difficult situation that challenges their loyalties and forces them to make tough decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will handle the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the unexpected visitor, the need to check important information, and the tense confrontations between characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward with the introduction of new information and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Hector and the characters' conflicting reactions to his presence. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to the criminal operation and personal morality. Mina and Bert are forced to choose between following orders and potentially harming someone they know.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, distrust, and urgency, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and serves to heighten the suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, tense dialogue, and the sense of mystery surrounding the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment at the end. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it transitions abruptly from Mina checking her phone to Hector knocking at the back door.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with Boss-Man's lines coming off as demanding and Mina's responses as passive.
  • There is a lack of tension and conflict in the scene, as the interaction between Mina, Boss-Man, and Bert feels forced and unengaging.
  • The character motivations are unclear, especially Bert's sudden decision to go outside and deal with Hector without any apparent reason or context.
  • The pacing of the scene is off, with the back-and-forth between the characters feeling repetitive and stagnant.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and establish a clear goal for the characters to achieve.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships.
  • Introduce more conflict and tension to make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
  • Provide context for Bert's actions and decisions, ensuring they are consistent with his character and the overall story.
  • Improve the pacing by tightening the dialogue and focusing on meaningful interactions between the characters.



Scene 33 -  Dangerous Encounters
EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Bert ushers Hector away from the backdoor.
HECTOR
They’re coming, Mr. Bert. You have
to go.
BERT
Who’s coming, Hector?
Loud fireworks boom in the b.g. Hector flinches.
77.

HECTOR
The woman, your ex-wife, she pulled
a gun on me, and then my wife
called some people who came to kill
her.
BERT
What? Why? Who are these people?
HECTOR
They think she knows.
BERT
Knows what?
Revelation pause as Hector discovers what he suspected all
along.
HECTOR
So you don’t know?
(beat)
We have to stop them.
(walks off)
Come.
BOSS-MAN (O.S.)
Get back in here, Bert!
Bert turns to see Boss-Man, gun at his side, standing near
the back door.
Hector turns.
HECTOR
Mr. Bert?
BERT
(to Boss-Man)
Give me a minute.
Bert sprints off. Boss-Man, flustered, aims his gun at Bert,
then drops his arm and re-enters the house.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Boss-Man enters to find Dale at the sink, pouring a glass of
water.
BOSS-MAN
(to Dale)
What the fuck are you doing?
DALE
I’m thirsty.
78.

BOSS-MAN
Sit down.
(beat)
Mina! Numbers?

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mina, her back to the kitchen, eyes the Powerball webpage on
her phone and the six winning numbers: 27,11,10,05,20,07
The numbers correspond with the Powerball ticket in her other
hand. She smiles.
BOSS-MAN (O.S.)
Mina!

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Hector, followed by Bert, make their way to the front of the
house just as the headlights of an unknown car pulls up and
parks at the curb.
The two men begin to cross the street.
DELORES (O.S.)
Bertrand!
Bert turns to see his mother, Delores, exit the car.
BERT
Mom?

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Boss-Man, annoyed, turns to the living room.
Silence.
NESTOR
I think she fucked you.
After a beat, Boss-Man stands up and crosses to the living
room.

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bert crosses to his Mom.
BERT
What’re you doing here?
79.

DELORES
I’m looking for your brother. He
invited me over for a steak on that
new grill he keeps braggin’ about
after Bingo tonight, but I can’t
seem to find him. I thought maybe
he was here?

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Boss-Man enters to find the front door open.
BOSS-MAN
Shit.

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Hector tugs on Bert’s arm.
HECTOR
We have to go, Mr. Bert.
BERT
Hold on.
(to Delores)
I haven’t seen him.
From Delores’ POV we see Boss-Man’s car parked on the other
side of the street, a couple houses away.
DELORES
Really?
A beat later, Mina stumbles across the front yard, hustling
to her car.
DELORES (CONT’D)
Where’s she going?
Bert and Hector watch Mina sprint away.
BERT
Mina!
ANGLE ON: Mina, as she looks back at Bert, Hector, Delores,
and then Boss-Man as he steps onto the front porch of Bert’s
house.
BOSS-MAN
(to Mina)
You get back here! Now!
Boss-Man exits the house and stops on the front lawn.
ANGLE ON: Delores, eyeing Boss-Man.
80.

DELORES
That sure looks like my Reginald.
ANGLE ON: Mina, searching her purse for her car keys.
ANGLE ON: Bert, crossing towards Mina. Hector follows.
BERT
Mina, where’re you going?
ANGLE ON: Mina, dropping her car keys.
MINA
Shit.
She bends down and picks them up, clicks the remote just as
the front door of Hector’s house opens and out steps the four
gangsters toting their weapons, followed by Vera.
ANGLE ON: Bert and Hector slowing as they too eye the
gangsters crossing to Mina’s car.
VERA
That’s her.
Vera’s attention is diverted once she spots Hector with Bert.
VERA (CONT’D)
(Spanish/to Hector)
What’re you doing out here?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Bert is warned by Hector about people coming to kill his ex-wife. Boss-Man confronts Bert in the backyard, while Mina discovers she has the winning Powerball numbers. Delores, Bert's mother, arrives looking for her son. Mina tries to escape as gangsters approach her car.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • High-stakes conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Pacing could be tightened in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interactions between the characters and the unfolding of multiple plot threads. The high-stakes nature of the confrontation keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the conflicts will be resolved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation involving various characters with hidden agendas, secrets, and conflicting motivations is well-executed in this scene. The introduction of gangsters, a Powerball ticket, and familial relationships adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly in this scene as new revelations and conflicts emerge, setting the stage for further developments in the story. The introduction of the gangsters and the discovery of the Powerball ticket create intrigue and raise the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as gangsters, hidden knowledge, and familial relationships, adding a layer of complexity and intrigue to the story. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal their complex relationships and motivations. Each character's actions and dialogue contribute to the escalating tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience significant changes in this scene, as new information is revealed, alliances shift, and decisions are made that will impact their futures. The confrontations and revelations lead to character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect himself and his loved ones from the dangerous situation unfolding, while also grappling with the revelation of hidden knowledge that could change everything.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to stop the gangsters from harming his ex-wife and uncover the truth behind their motives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with multiple layers of conflict, including interpersonal conflicts between characters, the threat of violence from the gangsters, and the tension surrounding the Powerball ticket. The escalating conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles and conflicting agendas that create tension and uncertainty for the protagonist and other characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the threat of violence from the gangsters, the discovery of the valuable Powerball ticket, and the unraveling of long-held secrets. The characters' lives and relationships are at risk, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, resolving existing tensions, and setting up future plot developments. The revelations and decisions made by the characters propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, revelations, and character choices that keep the audience guessing and on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of loyalty, betrayal, and family ties. The protagonist must navigate conflicting loyalties and make difficult choices that challenge his values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, suspense, fear, and curiosity. The characters' conflicting emotions and high-stakes decisions add depth to the scene and engage the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, intentions, and conflicts. The exchanges between the characters are sharp, tense, and reveal important information about their relationships and pasts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and intriguing character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the suspenseful situation and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and action sequences that maintain a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards, with proper scene headings, character names, and action descriptions that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new element of danger and urgency with Hector warning Bert about people coming to kill his ex-wife, adding tension and raising the stakes.
  • The dialogue between Hector and Bert is effective in conveying the imminent threat and confusion surrounding the situation, but could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The revelation pause where Hector discovers Bert's lack of knowledge about the situation adds a layer of suspense and intrigue, but could be more impactful with a stronger build-up.
  • The transition from the backyard to the kitchen is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The interaction between Boss-Man and Dale in the kitchen lacks depth and could be expanded to add more tension and conflict to the scene.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the fireworks in the background and the characters' movements, help create a sense of urgency and danger, but could be further utilized to enhance the atmosphere.
  • The introduction of Bert's mother, Delores, adds a new dynamic to the scene and raises questions about Bert's family relationships, providing an opportunity for character development.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Mina running away and the gangsters approaching, creating a sense of suspense and leaving the audience wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and suspense in the dialogue between Hector and Bert to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between the backyard and the kitchen to maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Expand on the interaction between Boss-Man and Dale in the kitchen to add more depth and conflict to the scene.
  • Utilize the visual elements of the scene, such as the fireworks and character movements, to enhance the atmosphere and create a sense of urgency.
  • Further develop the introduction of Bert's mother, Delores, to explore his family dynamics and add depth to the characters.
  • Consider adding more layers to the cliffhanger ending by building up the suspense and leaving the audience with lingering questions.



Scene 34 -  Revelations and Tensions
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Nestor and Dale watch from the open door.
DALE
Maybe we should sneak out the back?
NESTOR
And leave our ticket behind? No
fuckin’ way.

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Drone shot of PEOPLE who were participating in fireworks on
the block, begin to disperse after seeing the armed
Gangsters.
Mina and Bert raise their hands as the Gangsters close in.
BERT
Don’t hurt her!
Boss-Man drops his handgun and raises his hands as a gang
member closes on him.
81.

Vera, angered, makes a beeline to Hector and slaps him.
Delores, frightened, reaches into her purse and pulls out a
cell phone and attempts to use the code to unlock the screen.
She fails and tries again.
VERA (O.S.)
Give it to me.
Delores looks up to see Vera standing in front of her.
Delores hands her the phone as we...
FADE TO BLACK:

EXT. EVENING SKY - NIGHT
Fireworks above Los Angeles.
FADE IN:

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT
Two of Vera’s gangsters, armed, stand in the backyard, eyeing
the fireworks in the distance.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Bert, Mina, Delores and Boss-Man sit at the dining table with
their hands, palms down, on the table.
Nestor and Dale sit on the floor, duct-taped mouths, backs
against the cabinets, as a Gangster zip-ties their wrists and
ankles.
Julio, the lead gangster, aims his AR-15 at Bert and the
others.
Vera watches in the shadows and gestures for the Gangster who
was securing Nestor and Dale to step outside. He does. Julio
closes the door behind him.
VERA
How much do you know?
Pregnant pause. Confused glances around the room.
VERA (CONT’D)
I asked a question. How...much...do
you...know?
Mina glances at her purse sitting on the kitchen counter.
82.

BOSS-MAN
(to Bert)
What the fuck is this bitch talkin’
about?
Vera eyes Julio, who crosses to Boss-Man and nails him with
the butt of his weapon.
JULIO
Shut the fuck up.
BOSS-MAN
(recovering)
Is that all you got?
A brief pause before Mina turns to Vera.
BERT
(to Mina/utters)
Don’t say anything.
Vera eyes Bert and then Mina.
MINA
If you hit my husband again--
VERA
What? Is something going to happen?
MINA
We can make this personal--
VERA
It’s already personal.
BERT
Listen, Vera, we don’t know why
you’re here or what you want, but
whatever it is--
DELORES
I think it’s drugs. They come over
the border all the time with that
funknall, sellin’ it to kids and
junkies--
BERT
That’s enough, Mom.
DELORES
Well it’s true! They have trucks
and trucks crossin’ the border all
the time sellin’ that funknall--
BERT DELORES (CONT’D)
It’s Fentanyl. That’s what I said.
83.

BERT (CONT’D)
That’s not what you said!
BOSS-MAN
Don’t yell at Mom.
VERA
Mom? You’re brothers? I had no
idea. I saw your car parked here
quite often.
(eyes Mina)
It was the Corvette, wasn’t it? Did
you like the way it handled?
MINA
Kiss my ass.
BERT
How often was it parked here?--
MINA
Can you please just tell us what
this is about?
BERT
No. I wanna know how often?
BOSS-MAN
C’mon, Bert...let that go.
Bert locks eyes with Vera.
VERA
Two to three times a week. I know,
because that’s how often I do yoga,
and his car was here.
Bert eyes Boss-Man and then Mina.
DELORES
Stop cryin’ over spilt milk, Bert.
You’ve got Felicia now, so this
conversation is wasted breath if
you ask me.
Vera, curious, looks around the table.
VERA
Where is Felicia?
BERT
Are we done here? Because I’d
really like to get some rest before
work tomorrow.
84.

VERA
Nobody’s going anywhere until I
find out why there was a phone in
my husband’s truck, and who put it
there?
Silence around the table, then:
BERT
I did. I threw it in the truck to
get rid of her.
VERA
Get rid of who?
Bert gestures to Mina.
VERA (CONT’D)
I don’t quite follow--
MINA
I tracked my husband’s phone here.
BOSS-MAN
You were tracking me? That’s an
invasion of my privacy!
MINA
You were screwing someone else,
Reginald! I don’t give a fuck about
your privacy!
BOSS-MAN
But you didn’t know that before you
started tracking me!
VERA
You’re a typical man, Reginald,
stupid from birth.
(beat)
I ask again, where’s Felicia?
Uncomfortable silence as Vera scans the room.
VERA (CONT’D)
(to Julio)
Go find her--
Julio walks off.
BERT
Wait!
Julio stops.
VERA
Yes?
85.

Bert eyes Nestor and Dale on the floor...
BERT
I...uhm...I...
...then glances at Mina and Boss-Man.
DELORES
If you’ve got somethin’ to say,
son, speak up so we can get the
hell out of here.
Bert, deliberate swallow, then...
BERT
(to Vera)
She’s dead.
Dead silence as Vera exchanges a look with Julio.
VERA
(to Bert)
Where is she?
BERT
In the bedroom.
Boss-Man, curiously watching the interaction, eyes Mina, then
Vera.
BOSS-MAN
Bert walked in on us--
DELORES
(gasp)
Damnit Reginald! I knew this was
gonna happen! These boys can’t stop
competin’ against each other.
BERT
I’ve never done this to him--
BOSS-MAN
What about Tashawna?
BERT
Tashawna? I was four years old!
BOSS-MAN
Old enough to know better.
MINA
(to Boss-Man/disgusted)
I’m divorcing you--
BOSS-MAN
Not until you give me what’s mine--
86.

MINA
I ain’t givin’ you shit--
BOSS-MAN
We’ll see about that.
VERA
Are we finished?
(to Julio)
Go check it out and be careful not
to touch anything.
Julio walks off and disappears into the hallway as Vera pulls
a handgun from her waistline.
VERA (CONT’D)
(to Bert)
I feel sorry for you, Mr. Bert. You
married, not one, but two whores.
Mina, angered, glares at Vera, who waves at her with her gun.
BOSS-MAN
(to Mina)
Don’t forget I saw that shit you
was tryin’ to pull--
BERT
(to Boss-Man)
We’ll discuss it later--
BOSS-MAN
Bert, you saw what she was tryin’
to do--
BERT
Not now, Reggie!
Julio returns, looking as though he just saw a ghost.
VERA
So?
JULIO
(Spanish)
It’s true.
VERA
(Spanish)
Stay here.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In Bert's house, Vera interrogates the group about a phone found in her husband's truck, leading to tensions and revelations about infidelities. Bert eventually confesses that Felicia is dead, escalating the conflict and leaving tensions high among the characters.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High level of conflict and tension
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion for the characters
  • Slightly repetitive dialogue in places

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with intense confrontations and revelations that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters facing their past actions and secrets, as well as the presence of armed gangsters, adds layers of complexity and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the unveiling of secrets and confrontations, driving the story forward and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected twists to the familiar tropes of crime and betrayal, creating a sense of authenticity and unpredictability. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and true to their motivations, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations, conflicts, and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in their relationships and perceptions of each other, leading to shifts in dynamics and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their loved ones and navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of losing control or being harmed.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the encounter with the gangsters and find a way to resolve the conflict peacefully. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to outsmart their adversaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with characters facing off against each other, armed gangsters present, and deep-seated tensions coming to the surface.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and conflicting motivations. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the conflict, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with armed gangsters, revelations of secrets, and confrontations that could have serious consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with revelations, confrontations, and the introduction of new conflicts and stakes.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of betrayal, loyalty, and morality. The characters are forced to confront their own values and beliefs in the face of danger and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with moments of anger, fear, and defiance adding to the intensity.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and revealing, capturing the emotions and tensions between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflict, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of emotional impact and character interaction. The rhythm of the scene enhances its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, escalating tension, and a dramatic climax. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with tension and suspense, which is effective in keeping the audience engaged.
  • There are multiple layers of conflict and revelations unfolding simultaneously, adding complexity to the scene.
  • The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the dynamics between the characters and their motivations.
  • The visual elements, such as the gestures and actions of the characters, enhance the intensity of the scene.
  • The introduction of Vera as a strong and assertive character adds a new dynamic to the interactions.
  • The scene effectively builds towards a climactic moment with the revelation of Felicia's death.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more clarity to certain character motivations and relationships to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene allows for each revelation and conflict to have its moment without feeling rushed.
  • Explore opportunities to deepen the emotional impact of Felicia's death and its implications on the characters.
  • Provide more context or backstory to certain elements introduced in the scene to enhance the audience's understanding.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability or introspection for the characters to add depth to their interactions.



Scene 35 -  Powerball Peril
INT. THE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Vera enters to see the bloody sheets, blood splatter on the
wall and then Felicia’s naked body lying out of sight, on the
other side of the bed.
87.

She performs a Hail Mary and leans against a dresser. After a
couple beats, she stows her handgun and pulls out her cell
phone.

INT. HECTOR'S HOUSE - BABY’S ROOM - NIGHT
Hector sits in the dimly lit room, next to the crib where his
baby sleeps peacefully. He eyes his cell phone vibrating on a
nearby table. The caller id reads: Vera
HECTOR
Where are you?
VERA (O.S.)
You were right. They don’t know
anything.
HECTOR
(relieved)
Come home.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Vera re-enters the room from the hallway.
VERA
(Spanish/to Julio)
Did you touch anything?
JULIO
No.
VERA
Tell the others to go back to the
house and then you wait for me
outside.
Julio crosses to the backdoor and exits.
From Bert’s POV we see Julio speaking to the other three
gangsters before they turn and leave.
After a brief pause, Vera sits and addresses the table.
VERA (CONT’D)
Listen, I want to apologize for
ruining your 4th of July evening,
outside of the dead body, of
course.
Vera crosses to a dish towel hanging on a rack and begins to
wipe down the door handle, the kitchen counter where she
stood and the chair she sat in.
88.

DELORES
(rocking)
Felicia’s really dead?
BOSS-MAN
I didn’t do it.
Mina slowly shakes her head in the negative.
Delores turns to Bert. He looks away in shame.
DELORES
We need to get rid of the body. My
Bert can’t go to prison.
(to Vera)
Will you help us?
BERT
No! I’m turning myself in.
(to Vera)
You can leave now. We’re fine.
VERA
That’s very noble of you, Mr. Bert.
BOSS-MAN
(utters to Mina)
I know what you’re tryin’ to do.
Vera, tossing the dish towel into a dirty pot of water, turns
to Boss-Man.
VERA
What is she trying to do?
Boss-Man eyes Bert and then Mina.
BOSS-MAN
She knows about your husband’s
truck--
Boss-Man glances at Mina’s purse on the kitchen counter.
MINA
What?!--
BOSS-MAN
She didn’t tell us nothin’, but
she said she’s going to call the
police--
BERT
I don’t know what’s going on here,
Vera, but she never said anything
about--
89.

BOSS-MAN
(to Vera)
You need to take her with you.
Julio, pulling on a pair of work gloves, re-enters the
kitchen.
JULIO
(Spanish)
Are you ready?
Vera scans the room, searching for the truth.
VERA
(to Delores)
Is this true?
DELORES
Which part?
BOSS-MAN
C’mon, Mom, you heard her say it--
BERT
She never said anything about that
truck--
BOSS-MAN
Sure, Burt’s always right! He’s the
number one kid, never tells a lie
because he had a daddy in his life!
I was always the bastard son, so of
course I can’t be trusted.
Bert, sensing defeat, turns to Delores.
BERT
He can’t win this way...
Delores eyes Bert, and then Boss-Man.
BOSS-MAN
Go ahead, tell her.
MINA
(utters to Boss-Man)
I fuckin’ hate you.
VERA
(to Delores)
Well?
DELORES
(beat)
She did mention the truck.
90.

Julio immediately aims his AR-15 At Mina, but Bert springs
into action and puts his body in harms way.
BERT
No!
VERA
I’m sorry, Mr. Bert, but she has to
come with us.
BERT
No!
(beat)
This is all about a Powerball
ticket.
BOSS-MAN
He’s a goddamn lie! Ain’t no
Powerball ticket!
Awkward silence as Vera locks eyes with Bert.
VERA
A Powerball ticket. I’m intrigued.
A few more awkward beats, then...
VERA (CONT’D)
Did you win?
BOSS-MAN
No, but we got close, won about a
thousand dollars.
VERA
A thousand dollars?
(to Julio)
How much was the Powerball tonight?
JULIO
Over six-hundred million.
Vera, contemplative, glances around the room.
VERA
I wanna see the ticket.
(pause)
Where’s the ticket?
(to Julio/re: Dale)
The gringo.
Julio crosses to Dale and aims his AR-15 at his head. Dale’s
eyes go wide. Nestor freaks out.
BERT
Stop!
91.

VERA
(beat/to Bert)
I think it was more than a
thousand, Mr. Bert.
Tense pause before...
BERT
We won...the jackpot. Me, Nestor
and Dale.
DELORES
(excited)
Ya’ll won the Powerball!
VERA
Have you verified the numbers?
MINA
I did--
BOSS-MAN
--and then she tried to run out on
us!
VERA
(to Bert)
Where is it?
(beat)
Julio.
Julio places the muzzle of the AR-15 on Dale’s head.
BERT
No! Stop!
Mina inconspicuously glances at her purse sitting on the
kitchen counter.
BERT (CONT’D)
It’s in a safe place.
VERA
Let me see it--
BERT
So you can take it and claim it for
yourself? No.
VERA
(to Julio/re: Dale &
Nestor)
Drag them outside and put a bullet
in their heads.
Julio grabs Nestor, since he’s closest to the door, and drags
him, kicking and screaming, towards the back door.
92.

BERT
Okay!
(beat)
Let’s make a deal.
VERA
A deal? I don’t think you’re in the
position to--
BERT
Me against your guy in the
backyard. No weapons. Winner takes
all. Mano-a-mano.
VERA
(smile)
You against Julio?
Julio chuckles.
BERT
(to Vera)
Do you accept my terms?
VERA
You’ll give me the ticket when you
lose?
BERT
It’s all yours.
VERA
And if you win?
BERT
You walk away.
VERA
(beat)
Deal.
Bert stands and they shake on it.
BERT
I would’ve chosen you, but I don’t
hit little girls. However, I’d
place the same bet with you against
my ex, you know, keep it personal.
Bert glances at Mina and then back to Vera.
VERA
(smile)
You are hilarious, Mr. Bert.
93.

MINA
(mouths)
What’re you doing?
BERT
No, I’m a gentleman--
VERA
--and a janitor. Shall we go
outside?
Bert locks eyes with Mina again, trying to send her a non-
verbal message, as they all cross to the back door.
BERT
(re: Nestor and Dale)
What about them?
Nestor and Dale, still on the floor, eyes wide.
VERA
Leave them.
(direct)
Outside, now.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Vera discovers Felicia's dead body in the bedroom, cleans up the crime scene, confronts the other characters about a Powerball ticket, and makes a deal with Bert to settle the situation. The scene takes place in a tense and confrontational kitchen setting where conflicting interests and accusations come to a head. The conflict is temporarily resolved through Bert's deal with Vera to settle the matter through a physical challenge, leaving the fate of the characters uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a gripping plot, well-developed characters, and intense conflict. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the tension and suspense throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-stakes standoff over a winning lottery ticket is unique and compelling. The scene effectively explores themes of loyalty, betrayal, and moral ambiguity.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-paced, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. The revelation of the winning Powerball ticket adds a new dimension to the story and raises the stakes significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the Powerball ticket subplot and the negotiation between characters in a tense situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, with conflicting motivations and loyalties. Their interactions drive the tension and drama of the scene, making it emotionally resonant and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Bert, who makes a bold decision to confront the gangsters and protect the winning ticket. The choices they make reflect their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Vera's internal goal is to navigate the moral complexities of the situation and protect herself and her interests while dealing with the consequences of the actions of others.

External Goal: 7

Vera's external goal is to negotiate a deal with Bert to secure the Powerball ticket and ensure her safety in a high-stakes confrontation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and emotional resonance. The characters are faced with difficult choices and moral dilemmas, leading to a gripping standoff.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas, conflicting interests, and high-stakes confrontations that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives and futures hanging in the balance. The outcome of the standoff will have far-reaching consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing a new plot element with the winning Powerball ticket and escalating the conflict to a critical point. It sets the stage for the resolution of key storylines.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected plot developments, and high-stakes negotiations that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around themes of morality, loyalty, and self-preservation. It challenges Vera's beliefs about trust, justice, and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with characters facing intense moral dilemmas and conflicting loyalties. The tension and suspense evoke strong emotions in the audience, making it a memorable moment in the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the inner conflicts and tensions of the characters. It drives the plot forward and enhances the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high tension, moral dilemmas, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension, with well-timed beats and transitions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of character motivations and actions. It's not always clear why characters are making certain decisions or behaving in a certain way.
  • There are too many characters introduced in this scene, which can make it confusing for the audience to keep track of who is who and what their roles are.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the interactions between Vera and Bert. It could benefit from more authentic and nuanced exchanges.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with moments of tension and action interspersed with slower, more dialogue-heavy sections. This can disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The resolution of the conflict through a physical confrontation between Bert and Julio feels cliched and lacks originality. It could be more impactful if resolved in a different, more unexpected way.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the motivations of each character in the scene to make their actions more believable and engaging for the audience.
  • Consider streamlining the number of characters involved to focus on the core conflicts and relationships at play.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of each character's personality and background.
  • Work on balancing the pacing of the scene to maintain tension and momentum throughout.
  • Explore alternative resolutions to the conflicts presented in the scene to add depth and originality to the storytelling.



Scene 36 -  Backyard Brawl
EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Delores, Boss-Man and Mina stand on one side, Vera on the
other. In the middle, squaring off, is Bert and Julio.
They stare each other down before Julio turns and crosses to
Vera.
JULIO
(Spanish)
Should I take my time or make it
quick?
VERA
(utters/Spanish)
The sooner the better.
Fireworks pop, crackle and sizzle in the b.g.
Mina watches Vera and Julio for a moment, then crosses to
Bert.
BERT
Be ready. After I kick his ass
she’ll probably step in and--
MINA
Bert, you can’t fight, remember?
BERT
I can do a few things.
94.

MINA
Like what?
Delores, eyeing Julio’s glistening chest, crosses to Bert.
DELORES
Are you sure about this?
BERT
I’m good.
DELORES
Maybe she’ll agree to you and your
brother against--
BOSS-MAN
Don’t put me in that.
Mina gives Boss-Man a condescending glance.
MINA
Punk-ass.
BOSS-MAN
What? This is his bet.
After a beat, Bert turns to Vera who is still talking to
Julio while cracking his neck.
BERT
Vera!
(beat)
We’re still good, right? Winner
takes all?
VERA
That was our agreement.
(pause, feigns bell)
Ding-ding.
ANGLE ON: Julio rushes forward to confront Bert.
BERT
(to Mina)
Get ready.
MINA
I stay ready.
Bert turns back to Julio just as he swings. Bert ducks and
scrambles away.
VERA
(chuckling)
Stand still, Mr. Bert.
95.

Julio stalks Bert again, who fakes left, then right, then
sprints away, circling the yard.
JULIO
(to Vera)
He’s running!
VERA
Then run after him!
Julio chases, tossing aside patio furniture and knocking over
the barbeque pit in pursuit.
Fireworks light up the evening sky in the b.g.
Bert, much quicker than Julio, dodges blows and avoids being
captured and wrestled to the ground. He squirms away.
Julio, flustered, turns to see Bert taunting, and waving him
forward.
VERA (CONT’D)
(Spanish)
Kill him, Julio.
Julio charges full speed, arm cocked, ready to deliver a
fatal blow.
DELORES
(covers eyes)
I can’t watch...
Bert stands his ground until the very last tenth of a second
before dropping to his knees, under-cutting Julio and sending
him violently crashing and tumbling to the ground, coming to
rest at Vera’s feet.
VERA
Get up.
Julio, dazed, tries to stand, but falls.
VERA (CONT’D)
Get up!
Bert turns to Mina.
BERT
(pleased)
I did it.
(proud)
I didn’t need you after-all. I can
handle mine.
(to Vera)
Looks like we win!
ANGLE ON: Vera leans down over Julio.
96.

VERA
Tap me in.
BERT
Hey, that wasn’t part of the
agreement!
VERA
(to Julio)
Now.
Julio, still dazed, reaches up and taps her in.
Vera removes her blouse, revealing a fit upper-body.
BOSS-MAN
That bitch is changin’ the rules!
(beat)
Tap me in, Bert. I got this.
Boss-Man steps forward and shoves Bert aside.
BOSS-MAN (CONT’D)
(to Vera)
You done fucked up now.
Vera closes. Boss-Man swings and misses. Vera hits him with a
right to the kidneys. He buckles. She then knees him in the
face and he topples over.
Boss-Man, angered, springs to his feet.
DELORES
Get her, Reginald!
Boss-Man approaches, hands up, gauging his target. Vera, bad-
intentions in her eyes, hits him with a jab to the chin.
Boss-Man flinches, then swings. Vera blocks him attempt then
comes back with an elbow to the face, sending him crashing to
the ground.
Fireworks light up the evening sky for a couple beats, before
Delores takes off her shoe and aggressively crosses to Vera.
DELORES (CONT’D)
Don’t you hurt my baby!
Vera abruptly turns in her direction with bad intentions.
Delores stops and lowers her shoe and backs away.
DELORES (CONT’D)
(meek)
I didn’t say nothin.’
Vera turns to Bert.
97.

VERA
Is the janitor tappin’ in?
Bert eyes Boss-Man on the ground.
BERT
(beat)
Yea...I’m tappin’ that ass.
MINA
That’s not what she meant.
Mina steps in front of Bert, who feigns pushing her aside.
BERT
I got this.
Vera’s amused.
VERA
No, I want the Corvette bitch.
BERT
Okay, you said it, not me.
Mina takes off her wedding ring and earrings.
MINA
(to Bert)
Hold these for me.
Mina crosses to Vera standing in the center of the yard.
VERA
(grin)
Are you ready for the fireworks?
Before Mina can answer, Vera hits her with a right-cross,
sending her crashing to the ground.
VERA (CONT’D)
Boom, bitch.
Mina, bloody lip, eyes Bert while she climbs to her feet.
What ensues is a vicious choreographed ass-whoopin’ with a
succession of jabs to Mina’s face, knees to her mid-section,
left and right hooks, that leaves Mina eating grass.
Julio, still recovering, cheers on Vera.
Bert, Boss-Man and Delores wince as Mina removes grass from
her mouth.
VERA (CONT’D)
Get up! I’m not done with you yet.
98.

Mina climbs to her feet, but Vera springs into action with a
leg sweep that drops Mina on her back. She yelps in pain.
DELORES
(to Bert)
Don’t let that bitch kill her.
Bert rushes over to Mina.
BERT
Are you okay?
MINA
I’m fine. Help me up.
Bert pulls her up.
BERT
Let me tap in.
MINA
(scoffs)
...and do what?
VERA
Where’s my Powerball ticket?
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In this intense scene, Bert and Julio engage in a physical confrontation in Bert's backyard, while Vera manipulates the situation and fights against Bert's allies. Delores expresses concern for Vera, Boss-Man tries to assert dominance but is defeated by Vera, and Mina is overpowered by Vera. The conflicts are resolved through physical combat, with Vera emerging victorious in each altercation under the night sky with fireworks in the background.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as cliched or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging with intense physical and emotional confrontations, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown in Bert's backyard involving multiple characters with conflicting agendas is executed well, creating tension and drama.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the Powerball ticket and the escalating conflicts between the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique and unconventional physical confrontation that is both humorous and intense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add a fresh twist to a familiar scenario.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and actions drive the scene forward effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their relationships and dynamics, especially Bert and Mina.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to prove his worth and ability to handle himself in a physical confrontation. This reflects his desire for independence and self-reliance.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to win the physical confrontation and uphold the agreement he made with Vera. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and multi-layered, leading to physical confrontations and emotional outbursts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing physical and emotional challenges that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the Powerball ticket, personal relationships, and physical confrontations all on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing key information and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the physical confrontation, as well as the characters' changing motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' sense of pride, competitiveness, and loyalty. Bert's desire to prove himself clashes with Vera's changing of the rules and the competitive nature of the physical confrontation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially during the physical confrontations and dramatic revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and intentions clearly.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and action. The fast-paced dialogue and physical confrontation keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the physical confrontation, and maintaining the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of the physical confrontation, and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is chaotic and lacks clarity in terms of character motivations and actions.
  • There are too many characters involved in physical confrontations, making it difficult for the audience to follow the action.
  • The dialogue is disjointed and lacks depth, with characters making abrupt and unrealistic statements.
  • The choreographed fight sequence between Vera and Mina feels forced and unrealistic, detracting from the overall credibility of the scene.
  • The escalation of violence and aggression among the characters feels exaggerated and melodramatic, diminishing the impact of the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the scene by focusing on the core conflict and motivations of the main characters.
  • Clarify the stakes and objectives of each character to make their actions more believable and engaging.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Consider toning down the physical confrontations and focusing on the emotional tension between the characters.
  • Revisit the choreographed fight sequence to make it more realistic and impactful, ensuring it adds to the narrative rather than detracting from it.



Scene 37 -  Confrontation and Liberation
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Dale struggles to remove the masking tape from Nestor’s mouth
with his wrists still zip-tied.
DALE
(muffled)
Ready?
Nest nods.
RIP! Nestor resists screaming after the masking tape has been
ripped away.

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Vera punches Mina in rapid succession in the mid-section
before she flips Mina over her back and she lands squarely on
a plastic patio table that breaks under pressure.
Mina, again, struggles to climb to her feet.
BOSS-MAN
Stay down baby. This ain’t our
fight.
BERT
Time out!
99.

Bert holds up the universal sign for calling a “Time Out”.
VERA
Time-out?
BERT
Thirty second. Thirty second time-
out.
Bert crosses to Mina and examines the damage.
MINA
(seething)
Get out of my way, Bert.
BERT
Listen, you don’t have to do this.
Boss-Man limps over to them.
BOSS-MAN
Let’s just go home, baby.
MINA
I’m not going home with you.
BOSS-MAN
(re: Bert)
Then who are you going home with,
him?
MINA
I’m getting my own place...on the
coast, overlooking the ocean.
BERT
I don’t care about the money.
MINA
I do.
VERA (O.S.)
Ten seconds!
They lock eyes.
BERT
I accept your apology. Whether it
was one time, or ten times, I’m
good with it.
(beat)
I don’t want to lose you.
BOSS-MAN
(smile)
Too late.
100.

MINA
No...it’s not too late.
VERA (O.S.)
Five seconds!
Bert and Mina gaze longingly at each other.
BOSS-MAN
What the fuck?
Boss-Man steps in between them.
MINA
What time is it?
Bert, confused by the question, checks his watch, then:
BERT
It’s ass-kickin’ time?
Mina smiles through the blood streaming down her lower lip.
MINA
Damn skippy.
Mina crosses to Vera in the center of the yard.
BOSS-MAN
Who’s Skippy?
DELORES
It’s a figure of speech, Reginald.
Don’t you know anything?
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary Dale removes the masking tape from Nestor's mouth, while Vera fights Mina in the backyard. Bert calls for a time-out and tries to mediate between Mina and Boss-Man. Mina decides to stand up for herself and confront Vera, showing her determination and strength in the face of conflict.
Strengths
  • Intense character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched lines
  • Predictable character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and moves the story forward significantly. The dialogue is impactful, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of characters facing off in a physical confrontation while dealing with emotional turmoil and revelations is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as tensions rise, secrets are revealed, and characters make pivotal decisions that will impact the story's outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of power and independence in relationships, with unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving their actions. Their interactions are engaging and reveal layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Characters experience significant emotional shifts and make decisions that will impact their relationships and the story's progression.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and make a decision about her future. This reflects her deeper desire for freedom and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stand up for herself and make a decisive choice about her relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in a confrontational situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as characters confront each other physically and emotionally, leading to intense moments and revelations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters confront their past actions, make difficult choices, and face the consequences of their decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information, resolving conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected choices and actions taken by the characters, as well as the shifting power dynamics and emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between control and freedom, as well as the importance of personal agency in relationships. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power dynamics and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, especially during moments of acceptance and defiance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, intense physical action, and dramatic tension. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of emotional impact and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a focus on character interactions and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Dale struggling to remove the masking tape from Nestor's mouth to Vera physically attacking Mina in the backyard, which may confuse the audience.
  • The physical altercation between Vera and Mina feels rushed and lacks sufficient build-up or context, making it difficult for the audience to fully invest in the conflict.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Bert and Mina, feels somewhat forced and melodramatic, detracting from the authenticity of their emotions and interactions.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with the 'Time Out' moment feeling out of place and disrupting the flow of the confrontation between the characters.
  • The resolution of the scene, with Mina and Vera gearing up for a fight, lacks a clear sense of stakes or consequences, diminishing the impact of their impending conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to provide a smoother transition between the different character interactions, allowing for a more coherent and engaging narrative flow.
  • Develop the physical altercation between Vera and Mina with more tension and buildup, ensuring that the audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of their conflict.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, focusing on the characters' motivations and emotions to enhance the depth of their interactions.
  • Reconsider the 'Time Out' moment to ensure it aligns with the overall tone and pacing of the scene, integrating it more seamlessly into the escalating confrontation between the characters.
  • Clarify the stakes and consequences of the impending fight between Mina and Vera to heighten the tension and drama, creating a more impactful resolution to the scene.



Scene 38 -  Fight for the Powerball Ticket
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale, now de-muffled, eye Mina’s purse on the
counter a few feet away.
NESTOR
(re: Powerball ticket)
It’s gotta be in her purse.

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON: Mina, an eye swollen, bloody nose and lip, readies
herself for battle, then smiles.
VERA
(to Mina)
I’m gonna wipe that smile off your
face, bitch.
101.

Vera takes a swing at Mina, but she dodges the punch and
nails her with a body-blow, and then a left hook, sending
Vera toppling over in front of Julio.
Bert and the others cheer her on as she bounds around like a
prize-fighter.
MINA
I’ve got your bitch right here.
Julio helps Vera to her feet.
Vera, nose bleed, turns and crosses to Mina as we...
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. THE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Close-up on Felicia’s face as her eyes open and she inhales
like a fish out of water.
CUT BACK TO:

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Mina and Vera wrestle around on the ground, scratching and
clawing before Mina straddles her.

INT. THE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Felicia, nude, struggles to pull herself up using the bed for
support, before limping out of the room. Her black hair is
unkempt and wild, concealing half of her face.

EXT. BERT’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Mina, straddling Vera on the ground, pummels her with punches
to the face.
After a few more punches, Vera manages to wriggle free, swing
her body around and put Mina in a headlock.
Mina manages to climb to her feet and then elbows Vera in the
ribs and then tosses her head over feet, landing in front of
Julio.
Bert, Boss-Man and Delores cheer.
DELORES
That’s my girl!
ANGLE ON: Julio helping Vera to her feet.
102.

VERA
(utters)
Do you have one?
JULIO
My ankle.
VERA
Be ready.
MINA
Hey! I’m over here.
Vera turns to Mina, and then charges.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary Nestor and Dale suspect Mina's Powerball ticket is in her purse. Mina and Vera engage in a physical fight in the backyard, with Mina ultimately gaining the upper hand by pummeling Vera with punches. Meanwhile, Felicia wakes up in the bedroom and struggles to get up.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Possible excessive violence
  • Complexity of character relationships may be confusing for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and emotional moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a physical fight between characters amidst a larger conflict is executed well, adding depth to the storyline and character dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as tensions rise, secrets are revealed, and characters make surprising decisions, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh approach to depicting physical conflict and power dynamics, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, emotion, and growth through their actions and interactions, making them compelling and relatable to the audience.

Character Changes: 7

Characters undergo changes in their relationships, motivations, and actions, leading to growth and development throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely to assert dominance or defend themselves in the face of physical aggression. This reflects their need for self-preservation and empowerment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to physically defeat their opponent in the fight. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming a physical threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with physical and emotional confrontations between characters leading to intense moments and revelations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing physical challenges and obstacles that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters face physical danger, emotional turmoil, and the consequences of their actions, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the physical confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs about conflict resolution and power dynamics. The use of violence as a means to resolve disputes challenges the characters' values and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience through the characters' struggles, conflicts, and moments of empowerment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and confrontational, adding to the overall tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intense conflict, and dramatic character interactions that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the escalating tension and physical confrontation between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations, making it confusing for the audience to follow the action.
  • The physical confrontation between Mina and Vera feels forced and unrealistic, with Vera easily being overpowered by Mina despite being portrayed as a tough character.
  • The sudden appearance of Felicia waking up in the bedroom feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the characters during the fight lacks depth and emotional impact, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters' motivations.
  • The visual descriptions of the fight scenes are lacking in detail, making it hard to visualize the action and feel the intensity of the confrontations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clearer transitions between the different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Revisit the physical confrontation between Mina and Vera to make it more realistic and impactful, ensuring that the characters' actions align with their established traits.
  • Integrate Felicia's awakening in the bedroom more smoothly into the narrative to avoid disrupting the pacing of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between the characters during the fight to add depth and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to better understand their motivations.
  • Provide more detailed visual descriptions of the fight scenes to help the audience visualize the action and feel the intensity of the confrontations.



Scene 39 -  Chaos and Gunfire
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
We see from behind, the two bleeding bullet holes in the
lower outer region of Felicia’s back, and then one near her
shoulder, as she stumbles about, knocking over a few pictures
and cutting her foot on the broken glass coffee table. She
winces in pain.

INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale squirm on the floor, crossing to the counter
where Mina’s purse sits.
They hear the footsteps of someone approaching.
DALE
(whispers)
Somebody’s here.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Felicia limps to the back door, past Nestor and Dale on the
floor, and peers into the backyard to see the wrestling
match, along with Bert and Delores cheering on Mina, while
Julio encourages Vera.
ANGLE ON: Nestor gives Dale the universal sign to be quiet.

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Mina, quick as a cat, pins Vera again, wrapping her legs
around her and securing the headlock.
Julio, sensing the inevitable, inconspicuously reaches down
to his ankle and pulls a small handgun.
DELORES
He’s got a gun!
103.

Boss-Man, closest to Julio, springs into action and tackles
him, dislodging the gun.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Felicia watches Boss-Man wrestle with Julio as Bert joins in.
NESTOR
Felicia? Hey.
She turns and looks around the kitchen.
NESTOR (CONT’D)
Down here.
Felicia looks down.
FELICIA
Nestor? What’re you doing on the
floor?
NESTOR
It’s a long story. Could you do us
a favor?

EXT. BERT'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Vera, straining to breathe, taps Mina’s arm, signaling her
defeat.
Mina releases Vera and she drops to the ground and gasps for
air.
DELORES
Oh god...
Mina turns to Delores, and follows her eyes to the wrestling
match going on between Julio, Bert and Boss-Man.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale watch with baited breath as Felicia reaches
for Mina’s purse on the counter.
NESTOR
That’s it...

EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
All three men are on their feet now, preparing to do battle.
104.

BERT
(to Boss-Man)
Go low.
Julio eyes the gun a few feet behind Boss-Man.
BERT (CONT’D)
(to Mina)
Get the gun.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Felicia, still reaching for the purse, notices an empty glass
on the counter, picks it up and pours herself a glass of
water.
FELICIA
I’m thirsty--
DALE
No...the purse.

EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Julio charges Boss-Man, who drops down and wraps his arms
around Julio’s waist as Bert springs into action and jumps on
Julio’s back, wrapping an arm around his neck.
Julio grabs at Bert’s arm, gripping his watch and ripping it
from Bert’s wrist.
Bert, angered, squeezes harder.
ANGLE ON: Vera, recovering, eyes the back of Mina as she
crosses to the gun.
Vera springs up, pushes Mina aside and picks up the gun.
ANGLE ON: Delores, springs into action and charges Vera.
ANGLE ON: Mina, on the ground, watches as Vera turns with the
gun, only to get blasted like a quarterback getting destroyed
by a linebacker by DELORES!
Vera falls with the gun in her hand and pulls the trigger.
BANG!
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Felicia is injured and stumbling, Nestor and Dale are trying to get Mina's purse, a wrestling match is happening in the backyard, and a gun is introduced into the situation. Julio tries to grab the gun, leading to a physical altercation. The conflict is resolved when Vera is shot by Delores, ending the chaotic and tense scene.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Surprising twists and turns
Weaknesses
  • Complexity of character relationships may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with intense action, dramatic moments, and shocking developments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a physical confrontation escalating to a gunfight, with various characters involved, is executed effectively with tension and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Felicia's death, the conflict between characters, and the unexpected turn of events with Vera being shot.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar scenario of a confrontation between characters. The use of physical action and suspenseful moments adds authenticity to the characters' reactions and decisions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions in the scene are consistent with their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their actions and relationships during the scene, particularly Vera and Delores, whose actions have significant consequences.

Internal Goal: 8

Felicia's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the dangerous situation she finds herself in while dealing with her injuries. This reflects her resilience and survival instincts.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the escalating conflict and potentially help her allies. This goal is driven by the immediate threat posed by the other characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral conflicts driving the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with characters facing physical and emotional challenges that test their abilities and decisions. The audience is kept on edge as they navigate the unpredictable outcomes of the conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line, leading to intense action and dramatic consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with major revelations, conflicts, and developments that set the stage for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters. The shifting dynamics and escalating tension add to the sense of uncertainty and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' choices in a high-stakes situation. The use of violence and deception challenges their moral values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including tension, shock, and suspense, as characters face life-threatening situations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and serves to heighten the tension in the scene, with characters communicating through actions as well as words.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and unpredictable twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, keeping them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted in a clear and concise manner, with proper scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the narrative.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined locations and character actions. The pacing and sequencing of events contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is action-packed and intense, with multiple characters involved in physical confrontations and a high-stakes situation.
  • The pacing of the scene is fast and chaotic, which adds to the tension and suspense.
  • There are clear visual descriptions that help set the scene and create a vivid picture for the reader.
  • The use of multiple characters and their interactions adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and intensity of the situation.
  • The scene effectively builds on the conflicts and tensions established in previous scenes, leading to a climactic moment.
  • The introduction of the gun adds a new layer of danger and raises the stakes for the characters involved.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for the characters to provide insight into their motivations and reactions.
  • Ensure that the actions and movements of the characters are clear and easy to follow amidst the chaos of the scene.
  • Explore the relationships between the characters further to deepen the emotional impact of their interactions.
  • Provide more context or background information to enhance the understanding of the characters' motivations and decisions.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene and enhance the atmosphere.



Scene 40 -  Chaos in the Kitchen
INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The bullet crashes through the kitchen window and the shards
fall around Nestor and Dale on the floor.
105.

Felicia, startled by the pop of the gun and the broken glass,
turns away from the purse and crosses to the back door.

EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Vera is knocked out. Delores climbs to her feet.
DELORES
Don’t fuck with my kids.
Mina and Delores turn to see Julio on the ground and Boss-Man
holding his legs and Bert behind him with his legs wrapped
around his upper torso and his arm around Julio’s neck.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Felicia walks to the open back door and peers into the yard.

EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Julio, struggling to breathe, taps out...but Bert doesn’t
release him.
MINA
(concerned)
Let him go, Bert.
BERT
He broke my watch.
DELORES
Don’t do it, baby...
BERT
He broke my watch!
Julio’s body is going limp.
BOSS-MAN
It’s over, Bert. Let him go.
Bert continues to squeeze, then:
FELICIA (O.S.)
Bert?
Mina, Delores, Boss-Man and Bert turn to see Felicia, nude,
standing about ten feet away.
Bert releases Julio, scrambles to his feet and crosses to
her.
106.

BERT
Felicia? You’re okay.
Julio gasps for air.
FELICIA
My back hurts.
Bert removes his shirt and covers her upper torso.
Bert and Mina lock eyes for a couple beats, then:
BAM!
An overhead spotlight shines down into the yard from a POLICE
HELICOPTER above.
POLICE (O.S.)
Freeze! Do NOT move and drop your
weapons! I repeat, drop your
weapons!
Everyone stops and looks up at the helicopter.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A chaotic scene unfolds as a bullet crashes through the kitchen window, leading to a confrontation in the backyard involving multiple characters. Bert refuses to release Julio, who he is holding in a chokehold over a broken watch. Felicia intervenes, causing Bert to let go of Julio. The scene ends with a police helicopter shining a spotlight on the characters, instructing them to freeze and drop their weapons.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Unexpected twists
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Slightly chaotic action sequence
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and has a significant impact on the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dramatic confrontation with multiple characters involved is well-executed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the unexpected appearance of Felicia and the introduction of the police helicopter, raising the stakes and adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the characters' personal relationships and moral struggles amidst a violent confrontation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions in this scene reveal their true nature and motivations, adding depth to their development.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience significant changes in this scene, particularly in their relationships and alliances, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Felicia and ensure her safety. This reflects his deeper need for connection and loyalty to his loved ones.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the violent confrontation and evade the police. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak in this scene with physical confrontations, emotional turmoil, and the arrival of the police, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple threats and obstacles that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with characters' lives on the line and the arrival of the police adding a sense of imminent danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revelations, and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of violence and the unexpected arrival of the police helicopter, adding a new layer of danger to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to family and the consequences of criminal actions. The protagonist must balance his desire to protect his loved ones with the reality of the dangerous world they live in.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, especially with the unexpected turn of events and high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and serves to escalate the conflict between the characters, adding to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with quick cuts between locations and characters that build tension and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the crime genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense action sequence in a crime drama, with clear transitions between locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and chaotic, with multiple characters involved in physical altercations and the introduction of a gun.
  • There is a lack of clarity in the action sequences, making it difficult for the reader to follow who is doing what.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and could be more natural and impactful to enhance the tension and emotions of the scene.
  • The transition between the kitchen and backyard could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • The resolution of the conflict with the police helicopter feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the action sequences by clearly describing who is involved in each altercation and what they are doing.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, adding depth to the characters' interactions.
  • Smooth out the transition between the kitchen and backyard to create a seamless connection between the two locations.
  • Consider building up the tension and stakes leading to the police helicopter's arrival to create a more impactful climax.
  • Ensure that the resolution with the police helicopter is integrated organically into the scene, tying up loose ends and providing a satisfying conclusion.



Scene 41 -  Tense Standoff in the Kitchen and Backyard
INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
From Nestor and Dales POV on the floor we see the spotlight
illuminating everyone in the backyard and the purse still on
the kitchen counter.

EXT. THE BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON: Bert, one arm around Felicia, helping her stand,
and the other in the air.
BERT
There’s plenty to go around if we
stick together.
They all nod in agreement.
From everyone’s POV, behind Bert, we see POLICE OFFICERS, in
the house with flashlights and weapons drawn, scanning the
perimeter.
Bert turns to Mina.
BERT (CONT’D)
Reggie. Help me with Felicia.
Boss-Man takes a step forward and supports Felicia on the
other side.
A beat later, Bert turns and crosses to Mina, gazing into her
eyes.
107.

POLICE (O.S.)
Do NOT move!
He gently wipes the trickle of blood away from her lips.
BERT
Looks like I’m not a widower.
MINA
...and I’m not a widow.
After a beat, Bert leans in for a welcomed kiss.
Delores smiles. Boss-Man gawks.
BOSS-MAN
What the fu--
DELORES
You need to let Bert win sometimes
and stop stickin’ your dick where
it don’t belong.
Suddenly Hector, clutching his baby, rushes into the
backyard.
HECTOR
Vera!
VERA
Stop, Hector! Stay where you are.
HECTOR
Don’t worry I called them!
POLICE
Don’t move or we’ll shoot!
Hector freezes.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Bert helps Felicia stand while Mina and Boss-Man support her, leading to a tender moment between Bert and Mina. The police intervene, causing tension as Hector rushes into the backyard with his baby. The scene ends with Hector freezing as the police warn him not to move.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Complexity of subplots may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and moves the story forward significantly with various revelations and conflicts coming to a head.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of multiple characters facing off in a high-stakes situation with police involvement is executed well, creating a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with various subplots converging in this scene, leading to significant developments and revelations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of loyalty and betrayal, with unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their motivations, conflicts, and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly in their relationships and alliances, as they face challenges and make tough decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and support their loved ones in a dangerous situation. This reflects their deeper need for connection and loyalty.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dangerous situation with the police and ensure the safety of their family and friends.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between characters, leading to confrontations and revelations that drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult situation that tests their loyalties and survival instincts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters' lives and relationships on the line, as they navigate dangerous situations and make life-changing decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving conflicts, introducing new challenges, and setting up the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the police officers and the characters' unexpected reactions to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Bert and the other characters must balance their desire to protect each other with the need to survive the encounter with the police.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, especially in moments of reconciliation, betrayal, and redemption.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships, although some moments could be more concise.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, dramatic tension, and unexpected developments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue that advance the plot effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of spatial awareness and character movements. It's not clear how the characters transition from the kitchen to the backyard and their positions in relation to each other.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and on-the-nose, especially with lines like 'There's plenty to go around if we stick together.' It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The moment where Bert wipes the blood away from Mina's lips and then immediately goes in for a kiss feels rushed and lacks emotional buildup. It could be more impactful with a slower pace and more tension.
  • The introduction of Hector rushing into the backyard with his baby feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It could be better integrated into the existing conflict and tension.
  • The ending with the police helicopter and the commands to freeze and drop weapons adds a sense of urgency, but it feels somewhat cliched and predictable. It could be more creatively resolved.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the spatial layout of the scene and the movements of the characters to improve visual coherence.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more natural and nuanced, avoiding overly direct statements.
  • Build up the emotional tension between Bert and Mina before the kiss to make the moment more impactful.
  • Integrate Hector's entrance into the scene more smoothly to enhance the overall flow.
  • Consider a more unique and unexpected resolution to the scene involving the police intervention to add depth and surprise.



Scene 42 -  Reconciliation by the Infinity Pool
INT. BERT'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Nestor and Dale, now standing and being detained by POLICE
OFFICERS, gaze into the back yard and watch Bert and Mina
kiss under the spotlight.
NESTOR
(utters/smile)
Dub.
FADE TO BLACK:
108.

EXT. DARK SKY - NIGHT
The fen ally of a fireworks show in all of it’s glory, blasts
the screen, then slows as the evening sky turns to day.
MUSIC CUE: “I get around” (Instrumental) by Tupac

INT. FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Cameras flash. ONLOOKERS cheer. Video cameras move in and
about. JOURNALISTS push and shove for position.
ONSTAGE:
Dressed in their Sunday best, Bert and Mina, holding hands.
Delores, Nestor and Dale, wave and gloat for the cameras.
Boss-Man helps Felicia stand from her wheelchair.
Hector, Vera and their baby, smiling.
Julio and his crew, posing.
In front of them is an oversized six-hundred and sixty-eight
million dollar check.
On ALL of their ankles are blinking ankle bracelets,
compliments of the LAPD.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOUSE OVERLOOKING THE BEACH - DAY
Drone shot of a large house on the coast.

EXT. BACKYARD BY THE INFINITY POOL - CONTINUOUS
Bert and Mina, lies on lounge chair, gazing out at the
infinity pool and the ocean in the b.g.
The ankle bracelets have been removed, but Bert’s watch band
has been repaired and upgraded with sparkling diamonds and is
prominently displayed on his wrist.
MINA
(smile)
I always knew we’d end up together.
BERT
Did you?
(beat)
I didn’t.
109.

MINA
Your brother was a mistake I deeply
regret.
BERT
I’m not talkin’ about him.
MINA
Then who’re you talking about?
Bert puts on his designer sunglasses.
BERT
(grin)
You don’t want this smoke.
FADE TO BLACK:

ROLL CREDITS:
SUGGESTED MUSIC CUE: “If I ruled the world” Nas
Various shots of:
Delores getting pampered at a salon.
Nestor and his WIFE at a Mercedes Benz dealership.
Dale marrying a STRIPPER at a Strip Club.
Julio and his crew lowering and hitting their hydraulic
switches on two Bentleys.
Vera, pregnant, stands alongside Hector and their TODDLER,
choosing paint colors for the baby’s room.
Lastly, Felicia and Boss-Man (diamond encrusted BM necklace)
arguing in their large home, before she opens the door,
pushes him outside and slams the door.
After a couple beats, Boss-Man crosses to his new convertible
Corvette, passing his belongings, clothes, shoes, etc.,
strewn on the front lawn, hops in the car and tears away.
His vanity license plate reads: BM OUT
SUGGESTED MUSIC CUE: “21 Questions” 50 cent (Instrumental)
THE END
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Nestor and Dale are detained by police officers while Bert and Mina share a kiss under a spotlight. The scene transitions to a fireworks show, a federal office building celebration, a house overlooking the beach, and finally the backyard by the infinity pool where Bert and Mina reconcile after discussing past mistakes.
Strengths
  • Blend of genres
  • Tension and conflict
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Complexity of plot
  • Chaotic pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and engaging narrative. The mix of emotions, high stakes, and character interactions keep the audience intrigued throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a complex and high-stakes situation involving multiple characters, is well-executed. The resolution and character dynamics add depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with multiple storylines converging in a chaotic and tense climax. The resolution of conflicts and revelations about the characters add depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre by combining elements of luxury and criminal activity, creating a unique and intriguing setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the plot forward. Each character has a distinct personality and contributes to the overall dynamics of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, facing the consequences of their actions and making decisions that reflect growth and redemption. These changes drive the plot forward and add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Bert's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and control over Mina, showing that he is not afraid of confrontation and is confident in his own abilities.

External Goal: 7

Bert's external goal is to maintain his status and reputation in the criminal underworld, while also solidifying his relationship with Mina.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward. Tensions between characters, high stakes, and chaotic situations create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that test their resolve and push the story forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-changing decisions, confrontations, and revelations. The outcome of the Powerball ticket and the conflicts between characters add intensity and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, resolving conflicts, revealing new information, and setting up future developments. The resolution of the high-stakes situation propels the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the unexpected resolutions to their conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power dynamics and personal agency. Bert and Mina engage in a battle of wills, each trying to assert their control over the other.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and chaos to humor and reflection. The character dynamics and high stakes add depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, reflecting the tensions and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the humor, drama, and reflective moments in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, dramatic confrontations, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution of the characters' conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and chaotic situation in the kitchen and backyard to the celebratory and glamorous scene at the federal office building feels abrupt and disconnected.
  • The resolution of conflicts and character arcs feels rushed and lacks depth, especially considering the complex and dramatic events that have unfolded throughout the script.
  • The final scene lacks emotional payoff and closure for the characters, leaving the audience with unresolved questions and loose ends.
  • The dialogue between Bert and Mina in the final moments feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially considering the tumultuous events they have experienced together.
  • The conclusion of the script feels overly optimistic and tidy, considering the dark and dramatic themes that have been explored throughout the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revisiting the pacing and structure of the final scene to ensure a smoother transition and more cohesive resolution of conflicts.
  • Provide more depth and nuance to the character interactions and resolutions to give the audience a more satisfying and meaningful conclusion.
  • Focus on delivering a more emotionally resonant and authentic dialogue between Bert and Mina to reflect the complexity of their relationship and the events they have faced.
  • Consider adding more layers to the ending to address the darker and more dramatic elements of the story, providing a more balanced and realistic conclusion.
  • Explore opportunities to tie up loose ends and provide closure for all characters, ensuring a more satisfying and impactful ending for the audience.