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Scene 1 -  Opening Night Celebration
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

VINCENT, a young late 20s black man, is standing in front of
a mirror with an undone red bow tie hanging around his neck.

His hairline is cut razor sharp and braids neatly cornrowed
to the back.

SUPER: Opening Night

A spread of tinkering metal watches and jewelry are spread
out across the mahogany dresser as soft, elegant piano music
plays in the background.

He’s getting ready, slipping on one of the tinkering watches.

He's staring at his reflection in the wooden mirror.

He tries to tie a knot as his hands tremble with anxiety.

He brushes this sports coat and his hair.

He lets out a deep breath, hoping to get rid of the nerves. A
woman's voice rings out from the other room, breaking his
fumbling.

STACY (V.O)
Vincent, Car is here! We're gonna
be late!

VINCENT
Coming babe, give me just a minute,
I'll be right out!

There is a knock at the door.

MONTE, an early 20s black man, confidently saunters into the
master bedroom, with a cognac BOTTLE and a teasing smile.

He steps back and takes a look at his brother's dapper tux.

MONTE
Damn bro, Not too shabby!

Vincent and Monte share their elaborate, brotherly handshake.

Monte playfully starts sniffing Vincent's collar before their
hands break apart.

He sniffs the air and brings his nose close to Vincent's
collar, in a teasing little brother kind of way.
2.


MONTE (CONT’D)
You smell that?

VINCENT
What, what is it?

MONTE
(Jokingly)
Smells like Moneyyyy baby!!
(BEAT)
Your own show after all this time I
mean really, How does it feel bro?

VINCENT
I can’t lie, I’m kinda nervous.

MONTE
Nervous!? Shiit, You are the only
culture they got in that bougie ass
place. They should be the nervous
ones.

Vincent smiles.

Monte puts the bottle down and straightens his brother's
lapel.

He dusts his shoulders off, hyping him up.

STACY (O.C.)
Hello!!

MONTE
C'mon, we gotta take a shot to
celebrate before we leave.

He pours up the drink and hands it to Vincent with a big
smile.

MONTE (CONT’D)
I'm proud of you bro, seriously.
You know, Mamma would be proud too.
Not to many of us out here doing it
like this. She always knew you
would make it.
(BEAT)
Can't say I don't miss those days.

He holds up the glass.

MONTE (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
To art.
3.


VINCENT
And a toast to you too, college
boy. We made it far.
(BEAT)
To life.

They toast and throw back the shots.

The brown liquor burns going down and their faces contort.

MONTE
Let's get outta here.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Comedy"]

Summary Vincent is getting ready for the opening night of his show, feeling nervous as he struggles to tie his bow tie. His brother, Monte, comes in and teases him, boosting his confidence. They share a drink, toast to Vincent's success, and head off to the show together.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between the characters, sets the tone for the story, and introduces key themes. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the personalities of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of brotherly support and celebration of success is well-executed in the scene. It sets the stage for future developments in the story.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly in this scene, it lays the foundation for character dynamics and future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to showcasing brotherly support and camaraderie in a luxurious setting, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a strong bond. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and challenges for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal is to overcome his nerves and anxiety about his upcoming show. This reflects his desire for success and validation in his artistic pursuits.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to attend his own show and make a good impression. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the positive and supportive relationship between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not strong, as it mainly consists of Vincent's internal struggles and Monte's supportive presence.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and celebrations.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets up important relationships and themes that will impact the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting emotions and dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Vincent's self-doubt and nervousness contrasting with Monte's confidence and support. This challenges Vincent's beliefs about his own abilities and worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and nostalgia, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural, revealing character traits and relationships. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the anticipation of Vincent's show, and the emotional depth of their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene sets up the opening night of Vincent's show well, establishing his nervousness and the support of his brother and girlfriend.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Monte feels natural and brotherly, adding depth to their relationship.
  • The use of sensory details like the smell of money and the taste of the shot adds richness to the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is good, with a nice build-up to the toast and the decision to leave for the show.
  • The scene effectively conveys the excitement and anticipation of the opening night.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Explore deeper into Vincent's emotions and nerves leading up to the show to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing of future events to add layers to the scene and create intrigue for the audience.
  • Consider incorporating more character development or backstory to further enrich the relationship between Vincent and Monte.
  • Ensure that the transition to the next scene flows smoothly from the conclusion of this scene.



Scene 2 -  A Night of Triumph and Tension
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Vincent rushes through the lush mansion to meet his beautiful
girlfriend STACY, dressed in a gorgeous green evening gown.

Vincent hugs her from behind and the two share a quick kiss.

They walk out to the car as letters follow behind.


SUPER - TITLE CARD : BLACK RAGE

The luxury super cars pull out of the drive way. Vincent and
Stacy hop in with a driver.


INT. INDUSTRIAL ART GALLERY - NIGHT

Exposed rafters, concrete floors, and white walls fill the
industrial gallery space as huge paintings hang on the pop up
walls.

The art gallery is busy and the sounds of music fills the
halls full with drunken, pretentious, and mostly white artsy
folks.

Stacy is shooting a Youtube video with her phone trailing
behind Vincent capturing the event and taking videos with
other party guests.

CUT TO:

LAUREN, a black woman in her late 20s with a tight afro bun
and shimmering black evening gown, stands by the open bar and
a few paintings with her boyfriend TOM, early 30s black man
with a distinguished look and evening tux.

Tom sees a intimidating looking African mask sculpture
hanging on the white gallery wall behind a red velvet rope.
4.


He leans over the rope read the words on the wall:

"We shall become, who we allow ourselves to be"

He stares at the mask and can't help but reach out to touch
it, but Lauren shoos his hand away, snapping him out of his
trance.

TOM
You think this one’s stolen too?

LAUREN
Don't touch! Even if it is, it
doesn't need your little finger
prints all over it.

Lauren scans the busy crowded room

LAUREN (CONT’D)
He must be running late. He knows
we're coming right?

TOM
Of course! These things never start
on time anyway. He'll be here.

CUT TO:


MONTAGE

Paintings around the gallery with "SOLD" ribbons on them.

Well dressed art brokers pass along bills of sale over
cocktails as they flash cheap, sleazy smiles, laughing with
their new suckers.

Clients take away their new paintings wrapped in plastic.

Vincent is walking around shaking hands and kissing babies,
working the room as brokers sell pieces at lightening speed.

END MONTAGE

A loud glass clings in the air turning the crowds attention
across the room.

DARLA, mid 40s Miranda Priestly-type art broker with a
drunken smile and an evening gown cut way to short, holds up
her tall champagne flute in the air, TAPPING it with a silver
fork.

CLING CLING CLING
5.


DARLA
Attention Everyone!

Tom spots Vincent in the crowd, whispering into Lauren's ear.
Everyone is focused on Darla with a super serious look.

TOM
(Snickers)
There's our little Basquiat.

Lauren and Tom subtly wave at Vincent and he see's them,
giving them a smile and low wave back, trying to keep cool
while the spotlight is on him.

Stacy is recording the whole thing behind Vincent. The phone
awkwardly pops out from the rest of the focused group.

DARLA
I'd just like to thank you all for
continuing to patronize the arts
during such a troubling time in our
countries history.
(BEAT)
Art can feel like the only medium
where black artists can truly
express their inner worlds and
elevate the true meaning of the
human experience and Vincent, YOU
continue to help us all realize
that.
(BEAT)
So thank you for sharing your world
with us tonight.

Vincent sheepishly smiles, gesturing praying hands towards
her.

The crowd applauses at the gesture.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to
present our feature pieces for the
evening.

White gloved men pull away the cover, revealing on of the 3
pieces on the wall.

The crowd bursts with a country club style applause and
enthusiasm.

Vincent watches all of the judging eyes, undressing his piece
with vicious smiles, like polite sharks smelling blood in the
water.
6.


Dizzying chatter takes up the room as random people walk up
to him shaking his hand congratulating him.

Stacy and Monte find Lauren and Tom in the crowd as they all
hug and greet one another.

LAUREN
Oh my god, hi you look amazing!

STACY
Thank you girl, you look good too.
Thank y'all for coming, I think
Vincent is not too far.

Monte daps up Tom.

TOM
Monte, it's nice to see you too.
How's the college search going?

MONTE
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I
got in, i'll be at Atlanta
University in the fall!!

LAUREN
Congratulations, we're so proud of
you!

Lauren gives him a big hug and a smile.

TOM
Let's celebrate man, that's what
I'm talking bout!

Tom orders a round of shots.


CUT TO:


OTHER SIDE OF THE GALLERY

People with well dressed collars, jewelry, and furry
overcoats are talking to Vincent.

MOUTH #1
Well, this is .. different, but
good, so woke and revolutionary.
7.


MOUTH #2
The passion, the attention to
detail, the drama of it all, MY GOD
you've really out done yourself
this time Mr. Raphael!

MOUTH #3
Personally, I think this is a piece
that really speaks to "the
culture"!

MOUTH #2
How much?

MOUTH #3
I want it!

MOUTH #1
I'll have my people call your
people.

MOUTH #3
Do you have representation?
(BEAT)
Do you NEED representation?

Vincent smiles as the last broker walks away. He let's out a
sigh of relief.

Darla sweeps by with a smile as Vincent now stands in the
back of the room all alone.

DARLA
Hey Handsome. You did it, the board
is thoroughly impressed and we are
completely sold out.

VINCENT
Thank god.

MIKE BORELLI, mid 30s white male, flashes a smug smile at
Vincent and Darla as he whisks by.

He raises his glass to gesture a lose "Hello".

Darla gives him a fake wave.

Vincent nods with a forced smile.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Look who made it-
8.


DARLA
Jealousy is the highest form of
flattery darling. Enjoy it while it
last.
(BEAT)
Remember stay focused and mingle.
They’re here to see YOU shine and
that's ALL that matters tonight.
Besides, this is the first BIG
exhibit of your career, everyone is
here, friends and enemies alike.
(BEAT)
Listen, Don't let anyone or
anything take you out of this
moment.

VINCENT
I'll be happy once I'm back home at
the after party.

Darla's smile falls, just for a moment.

DARLA
Right. Well, the night is still
young, so live it.

CUT TO:


MONTAGE

Vincent finds Lauren and Tom in the crowd giving them a big
hug with Stacy smiling beside him.

The old friends embrace and Tom wraps his arm around Vincent.

TOM
Long time no see!

LAUREN
It's been forever!

The group grabs drinks and return to the party.

END MONTAGE

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Art","Thriller"]

Summary Vincent and Stacy attend his successful art exhibition, where he is celebrated by friends, patrons, and his art broker. Despite the positive atmosphere, there are hints of tension with rival artist Mike Borelli and pressure from his broker to stay focused on his career. The scene ends with Vincent alone, reflecting on his success.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension-building
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched character interactions
  • Slightly predictable plot developments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the high-stakes environment of the art exhibit, introduces key characters, and builds tension. The dialogue is engaging and the themes are thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-profile art exhibit serves as a compelling backdrop for exploring themes of race, identity, and success in the art world. The scene effectively conveys the pressure and expectations placed on the protagonist.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the protagonist's art exhibit and the interactions with various characters at the event. It sets up conflicts and tensions that will likely unfold in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the art world, cultural dynamics, and personal relationships, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique perspective to the scene. Their interactions and dynamics add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle character developments, particularly in the protagonist's confidence and interactions with others, the scene primarily focuses on setting up conflicts and tensions.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the pressures and expectations of his first big art exhibit, while also maintaining his composure and professionalism in front of a critical audience.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal in this scene is to impress the art patrons and brokers at the exhibit, sell his artwork, and navigate the social dynamics of the art world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying tensions and conflicts present in the scene, particularly related to the protagonist's success and the expectations placed on him.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent facing internal and external challenges that test his character and resolve.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes nature of the art exhibit, the protagonist's success, and the expectations placed on him create a sense of urgency and tension throughout the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics. It sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, unexpected interactions, and the pressure on Vincent to succeed in the art world.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of art, cultural appropriation, and the pressure to conform to societal expectations within the art world. This challenges Vincent's beliefs about authenticity, success, and artistic integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, excitement, and pride. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes environment contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and motivations. It also drives the plot forward and sets up conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, tense social dynamics, and high stakes within the art world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment at the art exhibit.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions, character introductions, and a buildup of tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different characters and conversations without a central narrative thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters delivering lines that don't flow organically.
  • There are too many characters introduced in a short span of time, making it difficult for the audience to connect with any one of them.
  • The descriptions of the characters and their actions are detailed but don't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The transition between different parts of the scene is abrupt and disjointed, making it hard to follow the progression of events.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a central conflict or theme to drive the scene forward and give it a sense of purpose.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Introduce characters gradually and give each one a clear role or purpose in the scene.
  • Trim down unnecessary descriptions and focus on highlighting key details that contribute to the overall story.
  • Smooth out transitions between different parts of the scene to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.



Scene 3 -  Monte Triggers Alarm at Vincent's Mansion
INT. INDUSTRIAL ART GALLERY - BAR - NIGHT

Monte, Lauren, and Tom are standing at the open bar.

Monte notices his watch.
9.


MONTE
Ahh man, it's getting late, I gotta
get the house ready for the after
party. Y'all are coming right?

TOM
We wouldn't miss it.

STACY
You need any help?

MONTE
I'm all good, just let Vincent know
I'm headed out. See y'all in a
minute.

Monte leaves the group as the trio stays behind.


EXT/INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

Dark night. Light Rain

Monte pulls up to Vincent’s huge modern mansion, music
blasting from the subwoofer. The mansion sits on the top of a
grassy hill at the end of a long, winding driveway.

The moonlight and twinkling city lights illuminate the
background through the thick trees.

Crickets chirp in the distance.

He parks and gets out of the black sports car, puffing out
white smoke in the night air from the tailpipe.

He walks up the long driveway and pulls up a SECURITY APP on
his phone to open the door, but it doesn't work.

He reaches over the door ledge and feels around for the spare
key. His hands finally finds the key and he enters...


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

Dark. Chaotic. Ritzy Mansion Foyer

From the inside of the house, he swings the door open and
tries to creep in, but the alarm system starts blaring!

He covers up his ears and stumbles into the dark house,
leaving the door wide open behind him.

CUT TO :
10.


INT. SUBURBAN STREET (POLICE CAR) - NIGHT

SARAH SMITH, mid 40s white woman and another OFFICER DAVIS,
TODD DAVIS, mid 40s white male, are sitting in a neighborhood
patrol car.

The officer's cell phone starts ringing.

OFFICER DAVIS
Princetown Patrol?

We are looking in from the hood of the patrol car, looking at
the faces' of the officers transition from surprise to
concern.

Someone has tipped them off.

The officer cuts on the police lights, looks at his partner
with a sly smile, and speeds off up the posh residential
street.

The car drives off as they spring into action!

Sarah has a nervous look on her face and a bit of sweat
dripping down her forehead as they drive.

The sound of the racing car roars. Police lights also ring
out and light up the interior of the car .

OFFICER DAVIS (CONT’D)
Just remember your training and
you'll do fine. I was nervous on my
first shift too, don't let the
nerves get the best of you, you got
this!

She nods and sits back in her seat.

They pass up other mansions glamorously lit with nighttime
accent lights illuminating the stone walls and luxury cars in
the driveways.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Monte leaves an art gallery party to prepare his house for an after-party at Vincent's mansion. Struggling to enter with a key, he triggers the alarm. Meanwhile, Officer Davis and Sarah respond to the call, heading towards the scene as Monte enters the dark house amidst the blaring alarm.
Strengths
  • Effective transition between celebratory event and tense situation
  • Building suspense and intrigue through unexpected events
  • Creating a sense of danger and urgency for the characters
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced to enhance character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively transitions from a celebratory atmosphere to a tense and suspenseful situation, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a glamorous art gallery event with a break-in at a mansion adds depth and complexity to the storyline, showcasing contrasting elements of the characters' lives.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of a new conflict involving the break-in at Vincent's mansion, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the industrial art gallery setting, the ritzy mansion, and the police patrol subplot. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere of intrigue and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the sudden turn of events add depth to their personalities and relationships, showing different sides of their emotions and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience a shift in their emotions and priorities due to the unexpected events, leading to potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Monte's internal goal in this scene is to successfully prepare for and attend the after party at Vincent's mansion. This reflects his desire to maintain social connections, host a successful event, and navigate potentially challenging situations.

External Goal: 7

Monte's external goal in this scene is to enter Vincent's mansion and prepare for the after party. This reflects the immediate challenge of accessing the mansion, dealing with the security system, and avoiding potential obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The level of conflict rises significantly with the break-in at Vincent's mansion, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters involved.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles such as the security system, police presence, and potential consequences for the protagonist's actions, creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the break-in at Vincent's mansion add tension and suspense to the scene, increasing the sense of danger and urgency for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, setting the stage for further plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, such as the alarm system going off and the police patrol subplot, which keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of wealth, power, and social status. Monte's interactions with the luxurious mansion and the police presence highlight the contrast between different lifestyles and the challenges of navigating social hierarchies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from excitement to fear, keeping the audience emotionally invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and suspense of the situation, but could benefit from more nuanced exchanges to enhance character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, suspenseful pacing, and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense, maintaining tension, and keeping the audience engaged with a well-balanced rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, engaging character interactions, and a buildup of tension.


Critique
  • The transition from the industrial art gallery to Vincent's mansion is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension when Monte triggers the alarm at Vincent's mansion, which could be heightened to create more suspense.
  • The description of the mansion as 'Dark. Chaotic. Ritzy' is a bit vague and could be more specific to paint a clearer picture for the audience.
  • The introduction of Officer Sarah Smith and Officer Davis feels disconnected from the previous events and could be better integrated into the scene to maintain continuity.
  • The dialogue between Officer Davis and Sarah could be more natural and reflective of their characters' personalities and the situation they are in.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transition scene between the art gallery and Vincent's mansion to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Enhance the tension and urgency when Monte triggers the alarm at the mansion to create a more suspenseful moment.
  • Provide more detailed descriptions of Vincent's mansion to help set the scene and create a vivid image for the audience.
  • Integrate the introduction of Officer Sarah Smith and Officer Davis more seamlessly into the scene to maintain continuity and connection to the previous events.
  • Refine the dialogue between Officer Davis and Sarah to make it more authentic and reflective of their characters and the situation they are in.



Scene 4 -  Police Encounter at Vincent's Mansion
EXT. VINCENT'S MANSION - MOMENTS LATER

The police car pull up to Vincent's house.

The front door is wide open and the alarm is still going off
in the distance.

Sarah and Officer Davis hop out of the car and make there way
up the driveway.
11.


The officer puts his hand on his gun before going inside, at
the ready.

He motions to Sarah to go around the backyard, and she
nervously nods.

We follow him as he starts up the driveway, then pulls his
gun out of his holster belt, sitting between his back.

CUT TO:

INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Monte walks down the dark hallway looking for the security
pad still blaring through the house. Stumbling down the hall,
he feels along the wall walking towards the kitchen.

He finally spots the alarm pad blaring out senselessly at the
end of the hall.

He taps in the code disarming it, and he finally cuts the
lights on and starts to walk back to the front door.

The sounds of footsteps and police radio chatter rings down
the hall stopping him dead in his tracks.

OFFICER (O.C.)
Hello, anyone in here? Come out
with your hands up now!

Monte's face flushes with confusion and fear. He listens to
more radio chatter echoing from the family room, even louder
this time!

He slowly paces down the hallway holding his hands up above
his head. His voice is shaky and afraid as he tries to let
the officer know he's in the house.

MONTE
Hey hey, it's just me, you can put
your guns away!

OFFICER
Come out where I can see you. NOW!

MONTE
Yes, I'm not armed, I just needed
to deactivate the alarm, I live
here!

The two meet in the foyer of the mansion in a standoff.

The officer flashes the police light in Monte's face and
points his gun directly at Monte's nose.
12.


Monte tenses up holding his hands up.

OFFICER
I've never seen you around here
before, state your name, NOW!

He starts to ramble in fear.

MONTE
Monte, I'm Monte Raphael, Vince's
little brother!? I just move here
and I couldn't open the door.
Please, I just had trouble getting
in!

The officer doesn't drop his weapon, but he starts to loosen
his intense offensive stance.

OFFICER
Okay okay, let me see some ID,
slowly!

Monte reaches into his coat pocket, and just as he starts to
pull out his black leather wallet, he stops.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Police respond to an open door and alarm at Vincent's mansion. Officer Davis and Sarah search the property, while Monte, Vincent's brother, attempts to turn off the alarm. Monte encounters Officer Davis, who points a gun at him. Monte identifies himself and explains his presence, causing Davis to lower his weapon slightly, but the situation remains tense.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong conflict
Weaknesses
  • Slight predictability in the outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interaction between Monte and the police officers, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an unexpected intrusion into Vincent's mansion adds an element of surprise and intrigue, setting the stage for potential future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as it introduces a new conflict and raises questions about Monte's presence in the mansion, adding complexity to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar scenario of a mistaken identity and police confrontation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Monte and the police officers, are well-developed and their interactions drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Monte experiences a shift from confusion to fear and then to a more assertive stance, showcasing a minor character change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his innocence and establish his identity to the police officer. This reflects his fear of being mistaken for an intruder and his desire to resolve the misunderstanding peacefully.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to deactivate the alarm and gain entry into the mansion. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he faces in navigating the security measures of the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Monte and the police officers is intense and keeps the audience on edge, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a challenging situation and uncertain outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the tense standoff between Monte and the police officers, adding urgency and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising questions about Monte's presence in the mansion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the protagonist and the police officer, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, trust, and authority. The protagonist's belief in his own innocence clashes with the officer's suspicion and need for verification.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and tension, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the fear and tension of the situation, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful confrontation, building tension through action and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the situation of a possible break-in at Vincent's mansion.
  • The dialogue between Monte and the officer feels a bit forced and could be more natural and realistic.
  • There is a lack of visual description and atmosphere setting to enhance the suspense and mystery of the scene.
  • The interaction between Monte and the officer could be more dynamic and engaging to keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build up the suspense and create a more gripping atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to set the scene and create a sense of tension and urgency.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Monte and the officer more authentic and reflective of their respective emotions and intentions.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Focus on building up the interaction between Monte and the officer to increase the stakes and keep the audience engaged.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create a more suspenseful and captivating sequence of events.



Scene 5 -  Tragic Misfire
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - BACK ENTRANCE

Officer Smith creeps through the dark house from the backyard
alert.

Her gun is drawn and she grips it tightly, walking through
the grassy garden.

She suddenly spots Monte in the living room and it shocks
her. She holds the gun at the ready, pointed directly at
Monte.

She busts down the door in a frenzy.

SARAH
Freeze!!

With his hands in his sports coat, he turns to her in shock.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Sarah gasps as the weight of what she did sinks in.

Monte falls to the floor as we see Officer Smith's horrified
face in the distance in front of him.
13.


OFFICER DAVIS (V.O.)
Shit. Call a medic, shit shit shit
shit!

The officer lifts his hands now covered in blood holding
Monte's chest.

He starts doing chest compressions, desperately trying to
keep him alive.

Sarah kneels over Monte's body in disbelief, horrified at
what she did.

Monte groans as he lifts his finger with blood, grabbing
Sarah's arm.

Monte is in shock as Sarah looks at him in the face.

She grabs her walkie and pages an ambulance.

SARAH
(trembling)
Shot's fired! Shot's fired we need
a medic, please! Hurry!

CUT TO:


INT. INDUSTRIAL ART GALLERY - NIGHT

The party is thinning out and people are walking out the
gallery. Stacy's cell phone starts to ring.

STACY
Hello, yes this is she! Wait wait,
slow down what happened? Is Monte
okay? Hold on, slow down!

Her face flushes with confusion as she rushes through the
showroom floor to find Vincent.

Vincent is standing in the crowd talking and smiling, but he
is caught off guard when Stacy frantically grabs him.

STACY (CONT’D)
Vincent, Vincent, Vincent, there
something wrong!

He excuses him self from the group and takes the call. Stacy
follows behind with a worried look on her face.
14.


VINCENT
Hello? Okay okay, what-

CUT TO:


INT. VINCENT'S CAR (CABIN) - NIGHT

Vincent and Stacy race up the dark residential street.

The posh neighborhood is now glowing with blue and red police
lights casting tree branch shadows against the windows of the
car.

The two pull up to Vincent's house and the neighbors are all
standing outside of their mansions watching the crowded lawn
of police and ambulance.

Police cars block the entrance to the house, but Vincent
get's out of his car and we slowly follow him and Stacy up
the driveway.

Everything slows down for a minute.

Vincent sees Tom rush over towards him with a distressed look
on his face.

The officers try to hold him back as he rushes onto the yard.
They try pulling him away, but Vincent wiggles out of their
grasp.

Lauren cries with her hand covering her mouth. She looks over
to see Vincent with fear and tears in her eyes.

Vincent stumbles across the front lawn in shock as tears
start to roll down his face.

He can only see his baby brother's feet on the floor of his
own house.

The paramedics are covering Monte with a white sheet. Their
solemn faces show the seriousness of the situation.

Rage sets in and time continues to slow down as officers try
to pull him back.

VINCENT
Monte!? What happened, Monte,
MONTE!! Let me go, what the fuck
did y'all do ??!

A beat.
15.


We crane away from the chaotic scene. Monte is dead.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Officer Smith mistakenly shoots Monte dead during a raid on Vincent's mansion. Vincent and Stacy arrive to witness the devastating aftermath, leaving them shattered by Monte's untimely demise.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Compelling plot twist
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Dependence on shock value

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The shocking turn of events and the intense emotions portrayed make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mistaken identity, tragic consequences, and the portrayal of the aftermath of a fatal mistake by the police officers is executed with great intensity and depth, making it a compelling and memorable scene.

Plot: 8

The plot takes a dark and unexpected turn, adding layers of complexity and tragedy to the story. The events in this scene have a significant impact on the overall narrative and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar scenario of a police confrontation, focusing on the emotional aftermath of a shooting. The authenticity of the characters' reactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and emotions are well portrayed, adding depth and authenticity to the scene. The audience can empathize with their grief, shock, and confusion, making the characters relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes as they experience shock, grief, and confusion in the aftermath of the tragic event. This event will likely have a lasting impact on their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to protect herself and others, as well as to come to terms with the consequences of her actions. This reflects her deeper need for safety and her fear of making irreversible mistakes.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to apprehend Monte and prevent any further harm. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and emotionally charged, leading to a tragic outcome. The mistaken identity and the fatal mistake by the police officers create a high level of conflict and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and uncertain outcomes that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as a tragic mistake leads to a fatal outcome. The characters' lives are forever changed, and the consequences of this event will have a profound impact on the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and setting the stage for further developments. The tragic event will have a ripple effect on the characters and the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the emotional impact of the characters' actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of using violence in law enforcement. Sarah's actions challenge her beliefs about the use of force and the consequences of her decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of shock, grief, and empathy. The tragic events and the characters' reactions create a powerful emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the tragic events unfolding. It adds to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and dramatic conflict that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and emotional stakes effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the actions and motivations of the characters. It is not clear why Officer Smith shoots Monte, as there is no indication of a threat or reason for her to do so.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with sudden actions like Officer Smith shooting Monte happening without proper build-up or explanation.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is diminished by the lack of depth in the characters' reactions. More focus on the emotional turmoil and shock of both Officer Smith and Monte could enhance the scene.
  • The transition from the shooting to the aftermath with Officer Davis performing chest compressions feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue could be more impactful and realistic, capturing the tension and confusion of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and build-up to the shooting to make it more believable and impactful.
  • Focus on the emotional reactions of the characters to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the flow and coherence of the events.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Add more visual cues and descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and tension of the scene.



Scene 6 -  Monte Raphael's Death and the Struggle for Artistic Inspiration
INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

A black woman news anchor hits a stack of papers on the
wooden desk at a news studio.

Intercuts of the funeral scene as the anchor does her
reading.

NEWS ANCHOR
(somber but direct)
Tonight at 9, two off duty officers
were called to acclaimed Artist,
Vincent Raphael's Buck-head Home
after two local officers responded
to an alleged break in. Police
report that 19 year old, Monte
Raphael, the brother of the
establish painter, was shot and
killed at the scene after police
entered the home. More tonight as
thousands take to the streets in
protest, calling for the officers
to be fired and charged with
homicide.
(BEAT)
Our thoughts and prayers are with
the Raphael family tonight.


INT. CHURCH - DAY

Smokey Vestibule.

Monte's wake is in a huge church, empty and echoing with a
few crying people in the pews.

Vincent and Stacy are all alone grieving his brother and
standing in the middle of the room.

His finger caresses the wood of the casket. His face is blank
and still.

Stacy is crying as well, holding onto his arm.

He looks over in the pews and sees two empty seats with two
cards that read "Mr. and Mrs. Raphael", but know one is
there.
16.


A tear falls down Vincent's cheek and on the floor. He walks
away from the casket as the music is still high.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVESITE - DAY

Monte's casket is lowered into the ground as we pan down
under the ground with the level of the casket seeing the
earth rise into the frame.

FADE TO BLACK

CENTER SUPER: 10 MONTHS LATER


INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Buckhead high rise. Glass tower. Busy corporate Office .
Conference Room.

An art broker JOE, mid 50s white man, in a black Tom Ford
suit is staring at Darla sitting at the end of a long wooden
conference table, folding his arms.

DARLA
Joe, this has been a hard time for
us all, but he WILL deliver just
like he always has in the past.

Joe let's out a deep sigh.

JOE
I hope you can see why we would be
concerned to include Vincent in
this months installation.
(BEAT)
His works' just not what it used to
be and he hasn't sold a piece in
months! There are PLENTY of others
that would bring some more DIVERSE
patrons into this gallery-

DARLA
(Sarcastically)
“Diverse” Like Mike Borelli huh?

JOE
That's not what I mean. Mike has
offered to step up production in
Vincent's absence but-
17.


DARLA
Ooooh, so you ARE looking for his
replacement?!
(BEAT)
Some family we've become here-

JOE
I didn't say that.

DARLA
You didn't have to!

The two are silent as they stare off at one another.

Darla inhales deeply.

DARLA (CONT’D)
(calmly)
One more chance Joe, that's all i'm
asking for here.

JOE
You and I both know, we aren't in
the business of second chances.

Darla looks out the window, unable to accept Joe’s position.

DARLA
So, what exactly are you saying?

He hesitates.

JOE
If Vincent can't come up with
something innovative before the
winter show, i'm afraid we are
going to have to part ways with him
in the new year.

DARLA
But Joe -

JOE
AND, considering that Vincent is
YOUR client, we will also have to
re-evaluate our longer term
relationship to your other projects
as well. Including your bid for
partner.

She SLAMS her hands on the wooden table!
18.


DARLA
Now you wait one minute, Joe you
know I have worked my ass off
trying to bring you the best work
possible from my clients!
(BEAT)
Vincent's work prior to this point
has showed and sold all around this
goddamn place! I mean what MORE are
you looking for him to bring to the
table at THIS point!?

Joe sits up in his chair and slowly leans towards Darla.

JOE
Listen, we need his work to really
tap into the "urban" market, the
raw authentic heartbeat of black
America today. We have to stick
with the times and you know THIS is
what people want.

DARLA
Tuh.

JOE
(cheeky)
We're looking for something with a
little more soul or funk ya know?

DARLA
You can't be fucking serious.

She grabs her purse and starts for the door. Joe grabs her
arm just before she crosses the threshold.

JOE
Darla wait!
(BEAT)
Listen, I don't mean to make you
upset, but we HAVE to stay relevant
and my hands are tied here. Get him
inspired and I'm sure we can change
the boards mind.
(BEAT)
The winter show will be his and
YOURS in no time. You know it's
nothing personal.

DARLA
You have a good day.

Darla gives him one last death stare as she storms out of the
conference room and into the busy hallway of other agents.
19.


She slaps on her oversized shades and starts dialing on her
cell phone, storming towards the elevator.

FADE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Amidst the tragic news of 19-year-old Monte Raphael's fatal shooting, his brother Vincent grapples with grief and the pressure to create innovative art. As Vincent's art broker, Joe, expresses concerns about his recent work, Vincent's agent, Darla, fiercely defends him and demands one more chance. Vincent's struggles navigate internal grief and external pressures, leading to a tense confrontation between Darla and Joe that threatens their partnership.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with high stakes and intense conflict. It effectively sets up a major dilemma for the main character and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an artist facing a creative crisis and the threat of losing their place in the art world is compelling and relatable. It adds depth to the character and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the conflict between the characters and the revelation of the ultimatum given to Vincent. It sets up future developments and adds tension to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by artists in the commercial art world, blending personal tragedy with professional pressure in a compelling and authentic way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The interactions between Darla and Joe reveal their conflicting interests and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Darla experiences a shift in her relationship with Joe and a realization of the stakes involved. Vincent is faced with a major decision that could change his career.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself as an artist and regain his creative spark amidst personal tragedy and professional pressure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to create something innovative and relevant for an upcoming art show to secure his position in the gallery and maintain his relationship with his agent.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Darla and Joe, as well as the internal conflict faced by Vincent, creates a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the conflict between the protagonist and other characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Vincent potentially losing his career and Darla's reputation being on the line create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up future developments. It raises the stakes for the characters and adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its thematic exploration of art, loss, and identity, but still offers unexpected twists and emotional depth.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between artistic authenticity and commercial success, as well as the pressure to conform to market trends while staying true to one's artistic vision.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, especially with the revelation of Vincent's potential downfall and Darla's desperation to save him.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is confrontational and reveals the power dynamics between the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, sharp dialogue, and thematic complexity, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the impact of key moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional three-act structure, effectively building tension and conflict while advancing the narrative.


Critique
  • The transition from the newsroom to Monte's wake is abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Darla and Joe feels a bit forced and could benefit from more natural and nuanced interactions to make the conflict more engaging.
  • The tension between Darla and Joe is clear, but the resolution feels rushed and could be developed further to add depth to their relationship.
  • The dialogue about tapping into the 'urban' market and the need for Vincent's work to have 'soul or funk' comes across as stereotypical and could be rephrased to avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the atmosphere and setting, such as the interior of the office building and the body language of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between scenes to create a more seamless flow and emotional resonance.
  • Work on developing more organic and realistic dialogue between Darla and Joe to make their conflict and resolution more compelling.
  • Avoid using stereotypes and cliches in the dialogue to create a more authentic and respectful portrayal of the characters and their motivations.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene, providing a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding subtext and layers to the interactions between Darla and Joe to deepen their relationship and the stakes of the conflict.



Scene 7 -  Haunted by the Past
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - TWILIGHT

Smokey. Messy. Jazz Music

The house is scattered with magazines, newspaper clippings,
and unfinished oil paintings as the music echos through the
dark, depressing halls of Vincent's mansion.

A copy of Monte's obituary is crumbled up and sitting on a
coffee table next to a full ash tray with blunt buds stills
smoldering in the tray.

The trash bin is overflowing, clothes are piling up, a
calendar full of red markers crossing out the days that have
passed, and the house looks like a depression pin.

Vincent is laying on the couch with his hair all over the
place, much taller than it was before.

Smoke rises above his head from the joint sitting between his
fingers.

TV SCREEN - 90s HOME VIDEO

He is watching a old video of he and Monte riding bikes and
racing around in there Ladera Heights neighborhood.

Vincent is drawing a huge pictures on the driveway as a
little boy smiling and having fun.

TV SCREEN - 90s HOME VIDEO #2

Vincent switches over another home video with he and his
mother as Vincent paints a picture of his little brother
posing for a self-portrait.

Vincent’s mother is holding the camcorder.

A young monte poses with a muscle man pose and a big smile.

VINCENT’S MOTHER
Ohhh, that’s looks good baby, look
at them muscles! You gone be a
superstar when you grow up, mark my
words!
(MORE)
20.
VINCENT’S MOTHER (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
Vincent you getting this?

Vincent and Monte take videos with there mother. She looks
sick and strung out, but her boys love her.

He solemnly smiles their family was happy and fun in the
past.

Vincent is sitting in the dark house smoking and cracking a
light smile.

VIDEO ENDS

TV SCREEN - 90s HOME VIDEO #3

This video is more serious. It’s Vincents birth mother
sitting in a jail cell talking to them from the other side of
the window.

She looks skinny and sad.

MOM
Baby I’m sorry. I want you to know
momma loves you two okay. I gotta
go away from a little while, but I
promise I’ll be back okay.
(BEAT)
I just gotta allot going on right
now and I don’t want y'all to be in
the middle.
(BEAT)
I hope we’ll see each other again
someday, but if we don’t know that
I’ll always be with you. Take care
of each other, I love you baby.

A tear falls down Vincent’s face as he watches his mothers
last tape to him almost 20 years ago.

Vincent's suddenly phone starts ringing and he sees "Darla"
on the caller ID.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Crime"]

Summary Lost in a haze of addiction, Vincent spirals down memory lane while watching old videos. The ghosts of his mothers' past linger, leaving him in tears. Amidst the darkness, a phone call from Darla offers a glimmer of hope.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Nostalgic elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in the transition between past and present

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets up significant conflicts and character arcs.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Vincent's past through home videos while dealing with the present tragedy is compelling and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the revelation of Vincent's past and the aftermath of Monte's death, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its use of home videos as a storytelling device, the raw emotional moments between characters, and the exploration of complex family dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Vincent's internal struggle and the impact of Monte's death adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes emotional growth and reflection as he confronts his past and deals with the loss of his brother.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past, particularly his relationship with his mother and the emotional baggage he carries from his childhood. This reflects his deeper need for closure and understanding of his roots.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to answer the phone call from Darla, which may lead to a new development or conflict in his present life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Vincent's past and present, as well as the tragic death of Monte, creates tension and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but impactful, as the protagonist faces internal conflicts and emotional challenges that add depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the tragic death of Monte and the impact it has on Vincent and the other characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Vincent's past and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience questioning the protagonist's next steps.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between forgiveness and resentment, as Vincent grapples with his mother's past actions and the impact they had on his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the portrayal of loss, regret, and family bonds.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions and relationships, especially in the home videos and Vincent's interactions with his mother.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the mystery surrounding the protagonist's past and present struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for impactful character moments and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional depth and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively transitions between past and present through the use of home videos, creating a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets the tone with a smokey, messy, and depressing atmosphere in Vincent's mansion, reflecting his state of mind.
  • The use of jazz music adds to the ambiance and helps establish the mood of the scene.
  • The incorporation of old home videos adds depth to Vincent's character and provides insight into his past and relationships.
  • The contrast between the happy moments in the videos and the current state of Vincent's life creates a poignant and emotional impact.
  • The scene effectively conveys Vincent's sense of loss, nostalgia, and emotional turmoil through the visuals and dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the contrast between the past happiness and the present despair in Vincent's life.
  • Explore ways to further develop Vincent's character through his interactions with the environment and his reactions to the home videos.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing elements that tie back to the overarching themes or conflicts in the screenplay.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the scene by delving deeper into Vincent's internal struggles and conflicting emotions.
  • Consider incorporating symbolic elements or motifs that reinforce the themes of loss, family, and personal history in Vincent's story.



Scene 8 -  Confrontation Over Inspiration
INT. DARLA’S CAR - DAY

Darla is now in her car as she talks to Vincent.

INTERCUT BETWEEN VINCENT AND DARLA

DARLA
Vincent, we need to talk.
21.


VINCENT
Hey, Darla look, I'm almost done
with that piece you asked for, I
just-

DARLA
It's not about that, we have a
problem..

CUT TO :


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Darla is pacing around the messy living room, while Vincent
just sits still on the couch in disbelief.

VINCENT
So, they're gonna just drop me, can
they do that ?!

DARLA
They can and they will..
(BEAT)
Your career will be as good as
finished and God knows that is the
last thing we need right now.
(BEAT)
You know your not the only person
that can bring in a crowd anymore
Vincent, we gotta get back out
these.

VINCENT
I know. It's just that I've been
out of inspiration lately-

Darla turns to him in a fury. She is shocked by his arrogance
and stubborn stance.

DARLA
Out of inspiration?! Are you
serious!!!

A beat.

VINCENT
No, I'm not ready to start talking
about that publicly yet -
22.


DARLA
And why not?! You know, you would
think that your brother's own
murder was enough inspiration for
SOMETHING but you don't seem to
think so -

VINCENT
Look let's just ask for an
extension and be done-

DARLA
You can't keep running away from
what your dealing with Vincent!
Your an artists’ dammit, you have
more than enough inspiration right
in front of you, make a stand with
your work, stop just going through
the motions making all of this
vanilla SHIT!

Vincent tries to walk Darla to the door, but she jumps in
front of him.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Vincent, it's been months and you
keep pretending that you’re okay
and your work is SUFFERING for it!
(BEAT)
You aren't fooling anybody, but
yourself!

VINCENT
I can't think about that night
anymore Darla, what happened,
happened -

DARLA
And why not -

VINCENT
Look, I'm not contributing to this
black trauma bullshit! What
happened to Monte was messed up,
but I have other stuff I can make
too and if they don't like it then -

DARLA
Then WHAT!! Wait until your some
junkie failed artists on Peachtree
Street ASKING for change in a cup?
We worked TOO hard to get you to
this point Vincent!
(LONG BEAT)
(MORE)
23.
DARLA (CONT’D)
Don't you understand what's at
stake here!?

Vincent is stone-faced and silent as he pulls away from Darla
in thought.

His face is screwed up with firm contempt, eyes welling with
tears, but Darla still scolds him with her glare.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Fine, don't call me when you wake
up one day and realize that all of
this, all that we built, was for
nothing.

Darla walks off slams the door behind her, leaving Vincent
behind.

He lights another blunt and lays back out on the couch
letting out a sigh.

His eyes are low and his shoulders heavy.

FADE TO BLACK
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Darla confronts Vincent about his lack of inspiration and the negative impact it's having on his career. She believes his unprocessed trauma from his brother's murder is hindering his work. Vincent resists initially, but Darla presses him to acknowledge his emotions and use them as inspiration. After a heated argument, Darla departs, leaving Vincent alone with his thoughts.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of physical action
  • Limited setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in revealing the inner conflicts of the protagonist. The dialogue is intense and confrontational, adding depth to the character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting the protagonist about his lack of inspiration and avoidance of dealing with his brother's death is compelling and adds layers to the character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Darla confronts Vincent about his artistic struggles and emotional avoidance, setting up potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of artistic struggle and personal trauma, with characters who are complex and emotionally rich. The dialogue feels authentic and impactful, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters dialogues reveal their inner conflicts, emotions, and motivations, adding depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent is forced to confront his lack of inspiration and emotional avoidance, potentially leading to character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Darla's internal goal is to push Vincent to confront his emotions and find inspiration in his personal tragedy. She wants him to acknowledge his pain and use it to create meaningful art.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to salvage his career and reputation in the face of potential failure and criticism.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Vincent and Darla is intense and emotional, adding tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Darla challenging Vincent's beliefs and pushing him to confront his inner demons. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve Vincent's career, artistic integrity, and emotional well-being, adding tension and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the internal conflicts of the protagonist and setting up potential conflicts and character growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting emotions and conflicting goals. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of artistic integrity versus commercial success. Vincent's reluctance to address his personal trauma for the sake of his art clashes with Darla's belief in the power of authenticity and emotional honesty in creativity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of anger, sadness, and frustration, drawing the audience into the inner turmoil of the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and confrontational, effectively conveying the inner turmoil and conflicts of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dynamic character interactions, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional intensity. The dialogue and character interactions contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The use of intercutting enhances the visual and narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with a clear build-up of tension and emotional release. The intercutting between characters adds to the pacing and intensity of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Darla being in her car to suddenly being in Vincent's messy living room, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Darla and Vincent feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural pauses and emotional beats to allow the tension to build.
  • Vincent's initial response to Darla's news about his career being in jeopardy feels a bit too passive given the gravity of the situation, his emotional reaction could be more pronounced.
  • The conflict between Darla and Vincent is compelling, but the resolution feels a bit abrupt with Darla storming out and leaving Vincent behind without a clear resolution or next steps.
  • Vincent's characterization could be further developed to show more vulnerability and internal struggle, especially in dealing with the trauma of his brother's murder.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Darla being in her car and arriving at Vincent's mansion to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Allow for more pauses and emotional beats in the dialogue to build tension and create a more impactful exchange between Darla and Vincent.
  • Enhance Vincent's emotional response to the news about his career being in jeopardy to show the weight of the situation on his character.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict between Darla and Vincent, perhaps with a moment of introspection or realization for Vincent.
  • Further develop Vincent's character to showcase his internal struggles and vulnerability, especially in relation to the trauma of his brother's murder.



Scene 9 -  Artistic Agony and Grief
INT. VINCENT'S ART STUDIO - NIGHT

Smokey Room. Painters Pondering

MONTAGE

Music swells as a shirtless Vincent sits in the center of the
frame with blank, white canvases all around him.

He can't lift his brush to do anything.

Time passes as he moves around the room to a table with blank
drafting paper.

Clutter is growing around him as he balls up sheet by sheet.
He is walking around smoking and stretching looking at the
sheets, but ultimately nothing is getting on the page.

Slow motion as the trash bin fills up with each passing
moment.

His watch tics along.

He starts doing push ups and yoga, but nothing.

He drinks a bottle of whiskey sitting on the stool, thinking
about what he should do for inspiration.
24.


END MONTAGE

He sets an empty glass down on the table and plops back down
on the couch holding his head in his lap.

The faint sound of his heartbeat increases over the music as
we push in and hear what chatter is going on in his head.

SFX: [VOICEOVER/ FLASHBACK LIPS OF ART CRITICS IN HIS HEAD/
PIANO MUSIC, POLICE SIRENS]

We cut between the funeral, his yard full of police cars, and
Monte's dead body slowly haunting him. He starts panting,
unable to catch his breath.

His head is pounding with voices. He drops to his knees in
agony until-

BING! A text from his stepmother silences the noise. He
slowly sits up.

SUPER :

STEPMOM
Hey, why haven't we heard from you!
Are you okay ?! Have you seen the
news!!!!

SUPER :

STEPMOM (CONT’D)
Please call me!

He breathes in deeply and starts to respond to her message.

Three ellipsis show as he types, but he clears out the
message.

He notices that the TV is on in the background and he turns
it UP.

HEADLINE: Officer Smith Acquitted for Murder

NEWS
In a dramatic turn of events,
Officer Sarah Smith has been
acquitted of all charges in case of
the murder of Monte Freeman.

Tense music swells

Vincent squeezes his hand into a fist, lunging his phone
across the room!
25.


We cut out around the house to hear Vincent screaming in
agony and frustration.

Are a close on his face, as he breaks down in his living,
tears flowing down his cheeks.

The room is silent as his whimpers reveal his pain.

FADE TO BLACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the depths of his art studio, Vincent grapples with a creative block that torments him. Haunted by memories of his brother's untimely demise and the haunting sight of police cars at his abode, inspiration evades him. A text message from his stepmother inquires about his well-being and prompts him to view the news. The headline strikes him with a devastating blow: Officer Smith has been exonerated for his role in his brother's death. Overwhelmed by despair, Vincent hurls his phone across the room, shattering it and releasing a torrent of tears that engulf him in a profound emotional maelstrom.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense portrayal of grief
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Heavy emotional content may be overwhelming for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and effectively conveys the protagonist's inner struggles. The intense emotions and tragic events make it a compelling and impactful moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the protagonist's emotional breakdown and inner turmoil is well-executed. The scene effectively portrays the psychological impact of loss and trauma on the character.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Vincent grapples with his emotions and the aftermath of his brother's murder. The scene sets up further conflict and character development for Vincent.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of artistic blockage and personal turmoil, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Vincent, are deeply developed and their emotions are palpable. The scene showcases the complexity of Vincent's grief and inner struggles.

Character Changes: 9

Vincent undergoes significant emotional turmoil and introspection in the scene, leading to a profound change in his character. The events of the scene deeply impact his psyche and future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find inspiration and overcome his creative block. This reflects his deeper need for artistic fulfillment and his fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to respond to his stepmother's message and deal with the news of Officer Smith's acquittal for murder. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the outside world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Vincent, as well as the external conflict surrounding his brother's murder, creates a high level of tension and emotional turmoil in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the emotional turmoil and psychological impact on Vincent following his brother's murder. The scene highlights the profound consequences of the tragic event on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Vincent's emotional state and setting up future conflicts and character development. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional twists and turns in the protagonist's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with his own creative process and the external world's injustices. This challenges his beliefs about art, justice, and personal responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking strong feelings of sadness, grief, and empathy for the characters. The tragic events and intense emotions resonate deeply with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner thoughts. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the portrayal of the characters' struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, suspenseful pacing, and relatable character struggles.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene enhances the visual and auditory elements, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, following the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, with the montage feeling disjointed and lacking a cohesive narrative thread.
  • The use of a montage can be effective in showing a character's struggle, but in this case, it feels disconnected and doesn't effectively convey Vincent's internal turmoil.
  • The transition from the montage to Vincent receiving a text from his stepmother and reacting to the news about Officer Smith's acquittal feels abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual and auditory cues to convey Vincent's emotions, but it may benefit from more dialogue or internal monologue to provide insight into his thoughts and feelings.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and may lose the audience's interest due to the lack of a clear narrative arc or emotional throughline.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer progression of events and a more cohesive narrative arc.
  • Focus on developing Vincent's internal struggle and emotions through dialogue or internal monologue to provide depth to his character.
  • Integrate the use of visual and auditory cues more effectively to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore different ways to convey Vincent's creative block and emotional turmoil, such as through interactions with other characters or symbolic imagery.
  • Consider adding a resolution or turning point to the scene to provide a sense of closure or progression in Vincent's journey.



Scene 10 -  Vincent's Struggle with Grief
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Vincent sits’ at a table on a Zoom call with his Grief
Therapist.

THERAPISTS
It’s not uncommon to feel the way
you feel right now, but more than
anything, you have to take care of
yourself.

VINCENT
I just can’t believe they got away
with it, just like that.

THERAPISTS
I’m sorry. Listen, we need to talk
through ways to cope with this
frustration that you feel. There’s
no since in sitting in just your
pain for like this. Eventually,
your life moves on, with or without
you accepting what happened to your
brother.

VINCENT
I guess your right, so what do you
suggests I do?

THERAPISTS
I would say keep your routine.
Don’t let this feeling be the end
of you.
(BEAT)
Sometimes it can help to channel
your emotions into a physical and
tangible thing.

VINCENT
And then what?

CUT TO :
26.


INT. VINCENT’S MANSION (ART STUDIO)- NIGHT

Vincent is sitting in the room of empty canvas surrounding
him, once again.

He mixes the paint in a bucket as the therapist words VO

THERAPISTS (VO)
And then you can finally “feel”
your feelings, good and bad. Create
a new reality out of you pain.
(BEAT)
Sometimes, the that is the only way
to beat the grief that traps us
inside.
(BEAT)
You must sink into the grief and
make peace the feelings are holding
you back. Believe it or not, those
feelings are valid They ARE valid.

VINCENT (VO)
I don’t know how that’s supposed to
to just keep going on like this.

Vincent is thinking about what he wants to paint and nothing
is still coming to mind.

THERAPISTS (V.O.)
Life isn’t always about “knowing”,
it’s about living.
(BEAT)
And you have so much to live for.
Don’t keep running away from what
is hurting, FEEL is. You have
nothing to lose by trying. Just
Think about it.


The suddenly doorbell rings breaking the VO dialogue. Vincent
leaves the paintings behind.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Vincent, deeply affected by the loss of his brother, struggles to cope with his emotions during a Zoom call with his Grief Therapist. She suggests channeling his grief into painting, but inspiration eludes him. As the doorbell rings, Vincent's thoughts are interrupted, leaving him with a sense of unease.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of grief and coping mechanisms
  • Strong emotional impact on the audience
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or heavy-handed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and sets up a compelling internal conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, coping mechanisms, and the search for inspiration is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the protagonist's internal struggle and emotional growth, providing depth to the character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to coping with grief through art therapy, highlighting the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue. The emotional depth and introspective nature of the scene add to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially the protagonist who undergoes significant emotional turmoil and growth.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant emotional changes, grappling with grief and beginning to find a path forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the frustration and grief he feels over his brother's situation. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of moving on without accepting what happened, and his desire to find a way to channel his emotions.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal in this scene is to find a way to cope with his emotions and move forward in his life. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his grief and frustration.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, focusing on the protagonist's emotional struggle rather than external events.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Vincent facing internal struggles and emotional obstacles. The therapist's guidance provides a small obstacle for Vincent to overcome in his journey towards healing.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high for the protagonist as he grapples with grief and the need to find inspiration in the face of tragedy.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the protagonist's emotional journey and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists in the protagonist's emotional journey, keeping the audience on their toes. The doorbell ringing adds a surprising element to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of facing and embracing one's emotions rather than running away from them. It challenges Vincent's beliefs about coping mechanisms and the validity of his feelings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to the protagonist's grief and search for inspiration.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the protagonist's inner thoughts and emotions, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's emotional turmoil, providing insight into his internal struggles and coping mechanisms. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and emotional depth to resonate with the audience. The rhythm of the dialogue and action descriptions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's emotional journey.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Vincent and his Grief Therapist feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It comes across as too direct and on-the-nose, missing the opportunity to delve deeper into Vincent's emotions and struggles.
  • The transition from the Zoom call with the therapist to Vincent in his art studio mixing paint feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between the two settings and actions.
  • The therapist's voiceover dialogue feels heavy-handed and overly explanatory, taking away from the emotional impact of the scene. It would be more effective to show Vincent's emotions through his actions and expressions rather than relying on explicit dialogue.
  • Vincent's internal struggle and emotional turmoil could be portrayed more subtly and effectively through visual cues and nuanced acting, rather than relying on explicit dialogue to convey his feelings.
  • The scene lacks a sense of tension and urgency, which could be heightened to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant moment for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the dialogue between Vincent and his Grief Therapist to be more nuanced and emotionally resonant, focusing on subtext and underlying emotions rather than explicit statements.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the Zoom call with the therapist and Vincent in his art studio, ensuring a seamless flow between the two settings.
  • Instead of relying on voiceover dialogue, show Vincent's emotions through his actions, expressions, and body language. Allow the audience to interpret his feelings through visual storytelling.
  • Explore ways to heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene, perhaps by introducing subtle conflicts or obstacles for Vincent to overcome in his journey towards coping with his grief.
  • Consider adding layers of complexity to Vincent's character by showcasing his internal struggles and conflicting emotions in a more nuanced and subtle manner, allowing the audience to connect with his journey on a deeper level.



Scene 11 -  A Night of Concern
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (KITCHEN)- NIGHT

Stacy is sitting on the kitchen counter as Vincent just sits
across from her, not really making eye contact.

She leans in.
27.


STACY
(softly)
You can't keep on going on like
this Vince. Look at you, you’re
miserable.

VINCENT
I just have to get out of this rut,
that's all. I'm sorry I've been so
distant lately.
(BEAT)
I guess I've just been tryin to
keep busy.

Stacy smiles, trying to cheer him up.

STACY
I know, it's been hard for me too.
(BEAT)
I'm starting to worry about you
Vincent. How long have you been
locked up in here like this?

VINCENT
Just a few hours.

Vincent is still and just drinks another glass of whiskey.

She watches his face for a reaction, but nothing. He just
sits stone faced.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
I'll be alright babe, I've just had
a lot on my mind lately.

STACY
You don't want to talk about what
happened?

VINCENT
Nah, I'm straight.

A beat.

STACY
Well, how about we go out tonight?
Maybe that will help clear both of
our minds for once.

VINCENT
I don't know, I really have to
finish this project up and it's
already late -
28.


STACY
C'mon, this girl I know is having a
party, you should come with me.
(BEAT)
Please

VINCENT
Who all is gonna be there?

STACY
Just an influencer event.

VINCENT
(sarcastically)
Really? An "influencer" party?

STACY
I know I know, it will be fun.

VINCENT
Stacy I don't' know -

STACY
It'll be fun, I promise.

Vincent smiles and kisses Stacy, giving into her puppy dog
eyes staring back up at him.

VINCENT
Just for a few hours.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Stacy observes Vincent's lack of motivation and expresses worry for his well-being. Vincent initially dismisses her concerns, citing work commitments. However, Stacy's persistence leads Vincent to agree to accompany her for a few hours,希望能缓解他的心情.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intimate moments
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a poignant moment of vulnerability for Vincent.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, loss, and the need for connection is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly, it delves into the internal struggles of the characters, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on familiar themes of isolation and emotional turmoil, with authentic character interactions and realistic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Vincent's internal conflict and Stacy's supportive nature shining through.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent shows a glimpse of vulnerability and openness, hinting at potential growth and healing.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to cope with his emotional turmoil and find a way out of his rut. His behavior reflects his struggle to open up and connect with others, as well as his desire to avoid confronting his feelings.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to finish a project and avoid socializing, but Stacy's invitation challenges this goal by offering him a chance to break out of his isolation and have fun.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external, focusing on Vincent's struggle with his emotions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, driving the characters' decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional, focusing on Vincent's emotional well-being and healing.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't propel the plot forward significantly, it deepens the emotional arcs of the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting desires and the uncertain outcome of Vincent's decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Vincent's internal struggle between isolation and connection, as well as his resistance to change and new experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in portraying Vincent's grief and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional tension between Vincent and Stacy, adding layers to their relationship.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters and the subtle hints at deeper conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth in exploring Vincent's emotional turmoil and struggles. While there are hints of his inner turmoil, it doesn't come across strongly enough.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Stacy feels a bit superficial and lacks emotional depth. It could benefit from more meaningful and impactful conversations.
  • Vincent's character could be further developed to show his internal conflict and the weight of his grief. This would add more layers to his character and make the scene more engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build more tension and emotional resonance. It feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more moments of introspection and vulnerability.
  • The scene could use more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact, such as Vincent's body language, facial expressions, and the environment reflecting his state of mind.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into Vincent's emotional state and struggles to make the scene more compelling and engaging.
  • Add more depth to the dialogue between Vincent and Stacy to create a more meaningful interaction that resonates with the audience.
  • Develop Vincent's character further to showcase his internal conflict and the weight of his grief, making him a more complex and relatable character.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to allow for more moments of introspection and vulnerability, building tension and emotional resonance.
  • Incorporate more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as body language, facial expressions, and the environment reflecting Vincent's state of mind.



Scene 12 -  Awkward Reunion
INT. PENTHOUSE LOFT - NIGHT

Red Neon Lights, Smoky High rise Penthouse, Playboy Carti
Style Music, Deep Bass.

Stacy walks Vincent into the Loft Party holding his hand.
People are dancing, snorting coke, and making out in the
hallway as they walk into the dark room.

His discomfort is written all over his face as he follows
behind her into the huge living room.

Stacy finds her other ditsy, alternatively dressed influencer
friends taking selfies on the balcony.

A skyline view is lit up in the background on their pictures
as they flex for the gram.

STACY
Oh my God, you guys made it! You
look amazing.
(to Vincent) *
(MORE)
29.
STACY (CONT’D)
Wait right here Vincent, I'll only
be a minute.

She leaves Vincent behind.

VINCENT *
Stac- *

She spins around while her friends are grabbing her away, she
mouths .

STACY
I'll be right back.

Stacy smiles, but Vincent rolls his eyes.

CUT TO: *


INT. PENTHOUSE LOFT (KITCHEN)- NIGHT

Neon Red Lights. Kitchen Island. Red Solo Cups On The Counter

Vincent is standing in the kitchen scrolling on his phone.

He pulls up his stepmothers text again.

He starts to text her, but he is interrupted by someone
standing in front of him.

Mike catches him off guard calling out to him. He puts his
phone away and awkwardly daps him up.

MIKE
Wow, The devil himself, in the
flesh.
(BEAT)
What up my brotha!

Vincent is a bit dry with the handshake. Vincent squints his
eyes, surprised that he's even talking to him.

VINCENT
What up Mike, I didn't think you'd
be here?!

MIKE
Well, here I am. I gotta be honest
I feel like I'm seeing a ghost!
Where have you been man?

VINCENT
I've been living bro. Not living as
good as you though!
30.


Mike burst with arrogant, obnoxious, and taunting laughter
showing his teeth.

MIKE
Don't gas me up bro! I'm just tryna
get like you man.

VINCENT
(half-heartedly)
Aye, congrats on the new
collection, I saw your write up in
the Metropolitan. I hear it's the
"cultural installation" of the
year.

MIKE
Ahh your too kind really.
I'm happy to see you man, let's go
have a drink on the roof.

VINCENT
Nah, I gotta go find my girlfriend,
she's running around here somewhere-

MIKE
Don't leave me hanging bro! She'll
be fine. Plus we need to celebrate
this moment together, it's been
forever, what almost a year now?

Mike swings his arm around Vincent and he takes a bottle with
him out to the balcony.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Vincent and Stacy arrive at a party. Vincent finds Mike, an old acquaintance who taunts him about his past success. Mike invites Vincent to have a drink, but he declines and goes to find Stacy.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts between characters, creating a sense of unease and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles, professional rivalries, and emotional turmoil in a party setting is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces conflicts and tensions between characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as social media influencers, drug use, and a focus on appearances. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relevant to contemporary social dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and development, particularly for Vincent.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his discomfort and social awkwardness in a high-pressure social setting. It reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging, as well as his fear of being judged or out of place.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to find his girlfriend and navigate social interactions at the party. It reflects the immediate challenge of fitting in and maintaining relationships in a superficial environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflicts between characters, both personal and professional, create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power dynamics, and social pressures creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is kept guessing about how Vincent will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through personal and professional conflicts, as well as the emotional turmoil experienced by the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new conflicts and challenges that will likely drive the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, conflicting motivations, and unexpected character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between authenticity and superficiality. Vincent struggles with being true to himself while navigating the shallow social dynamics of the party.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly related to loss, trauma, and personal struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, sharp dialogue, and thematic depth. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the characters' interactions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character development. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and builds tension towards the climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character cues. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character introductions, and dialogue sequences. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, leaving the audience wondering about the significance of the interactions between Vincent and Mike.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Mike feels forced and lacks depth, making their conversation seem superficial and uninteresting.
  • The setting and atmosphere of the penthouse loft party are not fully utilized to create a compelling backdrop for the scene.
  • Vincent's discomfort and reluctance to engage with Mike could be portrayed more effectively to convey his internal conflict and emotional state.
  • The transition from Stacy leaving Vincent to him interacting with Mike feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow.
Suggestions
  • Develop the dynamic between Vincent and Mike to add depth and tension to their interaction, providing insight into their relationship and motivations.
  • Utilize the setting of the penthouse loft party to create a visually engaging and immersive environment that enhances the scene's atmosphere.
  • Enhance Vincent's internal conflict and emotional turmoil by showcasing his discomfort and reluctance more prominently in his interactions with Mike.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the flow and coherence of the narrative, ensuring a seamless transition between different character interactions.
  • Add layers of subtext and nuance to the dialogue to make it more engaging and meaningful, revealing underlying tensions and emotions between the characters.



Scene 13 -  The Rooftop Showdown
INT. APARTMENT ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Roof. City Skyline. Cityscape sounds.

The two are all alone on the quieter side of the terrace
where they are both drinking, far away from the rest of the
party.

Mike is bouncing around and snorting coke from a little spoon
hidden behind his cup.

Vincent stands rigidly as he watches Mike take the line.

MIKE
So, what have you been working on
recently?

VINCENT
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now-
31.


MIKE
I hear. Hiatus huh?

MIKE (CONT’D)
Some of the press might say Mr.
Raphael is loosing his mojo ??
(BEAT)
The gallery walls are getting empty
without the great Vincent Raphael
to fill them with his "artistic
genius". Your thinking about making
a come back aren't you?

VINCENT
I wouldn't call it a come back,
just something more authentic. I've
been thinking about doing a piece
to commemorate my little brother.

Mike pauses. His face falls before a tense smile breaks
through his teeth.

MIKE
Ahh really? So going on the whole
"Woke Art" wave I see?

VINCENT
Nah I wouldn't say that, I've just
been trying to finish a piece and I
just really need to tap in and get
it done.

MIKE
You know Vincent, I've got to tell
you, I used to really look up to
you. Honestly, you know you were
always the golden boy at the
gallery. You’re actually one of the
reasons I started painting the
urban pieces again.

VINCENT
Really, I never knew that.

MIKE
Yep. You just have that "swagger"
to your work. I mean everyone has a
certain style, but you really have
done this shit for the culture man.
(BEAT)
I gotta give you your props and
with all of the political stuff-

Vincent is pick up on his slated comment.
32.


VINCENT
Ahh stop. It's room for us all in
this crazy creative world am I
right?

MIKE
Right. So you ARE planning to start
painting again?

VINCENT
I mean yeah, eventually.

Mike stops and eyes Vincent with an intense glare.

He laughs as he takes another sniff, turning his back to
Vincent.

He’s getting more and more aggressive, but Vincent can’t

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Is everything cool-

MIKE
Listen, let me be very clear about
ONE thing between you and I.
The winter show is only a few weeks
away and I know you might think
that this is your chance to "rise
from the ashes" or whatever
bullshit fantasy your broker is
telling you-

VINCENT
Wait, what? I'm confused-

Mike steps towards him nose to nose.

MIKE
I'M the main exhibitor for this
show, I have been able to step up
and fill in for you while you've
been on your little vacation, and I
don't expect to stop anytime soon.

VINCENT
Yo, who the fuck are you talking-

MIKE
This is the first time in years
I've been recognized for MY work
and I'm not gonna let you stand in
front of me anymore.
33.


VINCENT
Oh really?

MIKE
Really.

Mike brushes up close to Vincent

Vincent laughs in disbelief.

VINCENT
Let me tell you something, You
ain't shit, but a fucking leech.
You'll NEVER be like me. That white
boy hype-beast shit that you do
will NEVER replace the real thing.
You ain't nothing but a culture
vulture and the sooner you figure
that shit out, the better-

MIKE
Your time is up Vincent. Your
little "homie" is dead and now you
think your gonna use that as a
"come up", please, give me a
fucking break-

VINCENT
A come up!? What the fuck did you
just say to me?

MIKE
Don’t play dumb Vincent c’mon!

Mike and Vincent are locked eye to eye. Mike start to circle
him.

Vincent balls his hands into fists, knuckles white.

MIKE (CONT’D)
You keep dragging along this little
"My Brothers keeper" pity party,
how cheap of you -

VINCENT
Yo back up-

Vincent look at the edge of the ledge. Mike is dangerously
close to the edge as he paces.

He breathing is heavy and his heartbeat loud.
34.


MIKE
You could really do us all a
fucking favor and just retire now.
You’re young, you've got the world
ahead of you, why keep this whole
act up? I mean honestly, aren’t you
tired of being just sum token?

A beat.

Everything slows down as Mike monologue, but while he’s
turned away, and Vincent rushes towards Mike!

Suddenly Bam!

Vincent shoves him right over the side of the building. We
cut into his eye first squinting with a anger then
indifference.

Time slows and we watch Mike hurl into the ground in a slow
motion. His arms flap in the air and his eyes are wide with
horror.

No one at the party seems to notice and Vincent just stands
paralyzed.

A beat.

Finally, Vincent walks over to the ledge and slowly looks
over.

Mike's body is still, but not dead.

From Vincent's POV we see Mike's face bloody and red. He
struggles to lift himself up to breathe, but the wind has
been knocked out of him as he wheezes.

He can’t move. His eyes are frantically moving back and
fourth as his breathing echos through the alley.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mike confronts Vincent about his hiatus from painting, accusing him of trying to make a comeback. The conversation escalates into a heated argument where Mike belittles Vincent and questions his motives. Vincent eventually shoves Mike off the rooftop, leaving him injured and struggling to breathe.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Shocking twist
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense dialogue and a shocking turn of events that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heated confrontation between two characters leading to a violent act is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a dramatic turn with the unexpected violence on the rooftop, adding layers of complexity to the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the competitive art world, exploring themes of authenticity, rivalry, and personal identity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Vincent and Mike are well-developed and their conflicting personalities drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes a significant change as he is pushed to a breaking point, leading to a drastic action that will have lasting consequences.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal is to find authenticity in his art and honor his brother's memory through his work. This reflects his deeper desire for creative fulfillment and personal growth.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to navigate the competitive art world and assert his place as an artist. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his reputation and relevance in the industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict between Vincent and Mike reaches a boiling point, leading to a high-stakes confrontation with dire consequences.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mike challenging Vincent's position in the art world and asserting his own dominance. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of the confrontation on the rooftop, including the shocking act of violence, raise the tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of conflict and the unexpected resolution with Vincent shoving Mike off the building. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' actions and choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around authenticity in art and the commodification of creativity. Mike represents the commercialized, superficial side of the art world, while Vincent seeks to create meaningful, personal work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from tension and fear to shock and sadness.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the underlying emotions and motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, sharp dialogue, and dramatic escalation towards the climax. The characters' motivations and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to the climactic moment of Vincent shoving Mike off the building. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic confrontation, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and escalating tension. It effectively builds towards the climactic confrontation between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene sets up a tense and confrontational interaction between Vincent and Mike, which builds suspense and drama.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Mike effectively reveals their conflicting motivations and animosity towards each other.
  • The scene effectively escalates the tension between the characters, leading to a dramatic confrontation at the edge of the rooftop.
  • The physical actions and movements of the characters, such as Vincent shoving Mike off the building, add intensity and impact to the scene.
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and inner conflict of Vincent through his interactions with Mike and his actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the rooftop scene, such as the city skyline and the sounds of the cityscape.
  • Explore deeper into the emotional motivations of both Vincent and Mike to add complexity and depth to their characters.
  • Consider adding internal monologues or thoughts from Vincent to provide insight into his mindset and emotional state during the confrontation.
  • Focus on building the tension and suspense leading up to the moment when Vincent shoves Mike off the building to create a more impactful and memorable climax.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details, such as the wind, sounds of the city, and physical sensations experienced by the characters, to immerse the audience in the scene.



Scene 14 -  Vicious Encounter
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (STAIRWELL) - NIGHT

Vincent rushes down the stairwell.

He pauses when he comes upon two girls. He makes eye contact
and quickly diverts his gaze as he smiles sheepishly and
passes them.

CUT TO:
35.


EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ALLEY - NIGHT

Vincent busts out of the backdoor and finds Mike laying out
in the alleyway.

As he walks closer, Mikes eye's widen with horror.

Vincent is looking around to make sure no one has seen what
he did. He notices the blood pooling on the ground behind
Mikes head.

Vincent bends down and just looks at him.

VINCENT
I knew we’d come to this someday.

Vincent mouth slowly turns into a smile as he takes in the
scene.

MOMENTS LATER

Vincent pulls his car into the alley way and puts Mike's body
into the back of his car.

He’s rushes into his car to see that no one saw what
happened.

He races off into the night as we follow behind his tail
lights in the night mist.

CUT TO:


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

Mike struggles on the ground.

VINCENT
Shit Mike, you know I didn’t mean
for all of this to happen right?
After all of this tension between
you and I mean you gotta admit, you
had it fucking coming.

He is still struggling to breathe through his collapsed lung.
He groans and wheezing in agony.

We pan over to Vincent, now holding a silver cleaver and
standing over Mikes Body.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
I wasn’t listening to my gut about
you Mike.
(MORE)
36.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
I knew you were a slithering,
conniving, jealous little snake.
But, you know what they say about
snakes?
(BEAT)
The only way yo kill a snake is to
cut off it’s head.

Mike just groans.

He lifts the cleaver

VINCENT (CONT’D)
But, no no no, let me be a bit more
transparent. I think my emotions
just got the best of me tonight, so
for that, I DO apologize.
(BEAT)
I’ve been learning how to better
work through my feelings and shit.
And I’ve got to say, you really
know how to - push me over the edge
don’t you?

Vincent smiles.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Well, consider this your last
fucking day!

Vincent swings the axe towards Mike on the ground and blood
spatters all over the white canvas in front of them.

With every swing, Mike gargles as the sound of blood and
breaking bones narrate each violent swing.

We pan back up to see Vincent, breathing hard and wiping the
spatters of blood off of his face.

He stops, breathing hard and staring down at Mike’s body.

He slowly looks up at the blood now on the canvas, stepping
over Mike's hacked up brains.

He is fascinated by the blood splatters and it slowly draws
him in.

He rubs his bloody finger over the canvas. He rubs the blood
between his fingers.

He looks back over to the body. Then to the canvas now with
blood.

MONTAGE OF PREVIOUS SCENES
37.


(1) Monte laying on the floor as blood spills out of his
mouth from the night of the shooting.

(2) Vincent and Darla, back at the gallery, toasting in the
air with red wine.

(3) Mike falling to his death in slow motion off the side of
the building.

(4) Vincent is driving up the driveway.

(5) Monte's funeral casket. His thumb leaves a blood stain
behind that wasn't there before.

END MONTAGE

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Vincent, after a brief encounter with two girls, discovers Mike injured in an alleyway. He transports Mike to his mansion, where he confronts him before fatally stabbing him with a cleaver.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Effective use of tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences
  • Lack of resolution for certain plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, gripping, and emotionally charged, with a strong focus on character development and intense conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Vincent's descent into darkness and his struggle with trauma and emotions is executed effectively, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by Vincent's internal conflict and the consequences of his actions, leading to a dramatic and shocking climax.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of crime and morality, with unique character dynamics and a focus on the psychological aspects of violence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Vincent, are complex and well-developed, with their motivations and emotions driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes a significant change in this scene, confronting his inner demons and embracing his darker impulses, leading to a pivotal moment in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to confront his emotions and inner turmoil, as he grapples with the consequences of his actions and his own moral compass.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to dispose of Mike's body and cover up his crime, ensuring that no one discovers what he has done.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes and emotionally charged, driving the narrative forward and creating intense moments of suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as Vincent's actions have severe consequences for himself and those around him, raising the tension and suspense to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of Vincent's character and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of morality, guilt, and the consequences of one's actions. Vincent struggles with his own sense of right and wrong, as he justifies his violent actions towards Mike.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from shock and horror to empathy and understanding, making it a powerful and memorable moment in the screenplay.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and escalating the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the moral dilemmas and psychological depth of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and graphic, with a focus on Vincent's violent actions towards Mike. The dialogue and actions are chilling and showcase Vincent's descent into darkness.
  • The scene effectively conveys Vincent's emotional turmoil and his conflicted feelings towards Mike. The use of the cleaver and blood splatters adds to the disturbing nature of the scene.
  • Vincent's internal monologue and dialogue with Mike provide insight into his mindset and motivations, adding depth to his character.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and create a sense of tension and unease, especially with the blood splatters on the canvas and Vincent's fascination with them.
  • The montage of previous scenes adds context and layers to Vincent's actions, connecting his past experiences and traumas to his current behavior.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence and gore to maintain a balance between depicting Vincent's dark side and not crossing into gratuitous territory.
  • Focus on developing the emotional impact of the scene, exploring Vincent's internal struggles and conflicting emotions in more depth.
  • Add more nuance to Vincent's character by showcasing his internal conflict and moral ambiguity, highlighting the complexity of his actions.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle symbolism and imagery to enhance the themes of guilt, revenge, and emotional turmoil in the scene.
  • Explore the aftermath of the scene and its repercussions on Vincent's psyche and relationships to further deepen the narrative.



Scene 15 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - BATHROOM - NIGHT

He washes his hands and face in the white sink. Blood rinses
down the drain.

He looks at the mirror at his own reflections and starts to
laugh as he wipes his face off.

He laughs so much that tears start to roll down his face.

He finally get's himself together and goes back out to the
room.


INT. VINCENT'S ART STUDIO - NIGHT

He rolls up Mikes body in the carpet and takes Mike's
dismembered head with it.

He drags the carpet across the hardwood floor, trailing red
blood behind him.


EXT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

He throws the body into a fire pit in the back of his house.
He pours the lighter fluid all over the body.

WHOOSH, he see’s the fire roar.

He watches as the flames roar in front of him burning up
Mike’s body. Something is changed in Vincent. Something
soulless and twisted.
38.


A smiles and light chuckle peaks through his blank
expression. He enjoys this so much that tears start to run
down his face.

CUT TO BLACK:




BLACK CHAPTER CARD : CHAPTER 2


EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

Sunny Green Golf Course Pastures. Golf Carts riding in the
distance. Crane down to the tee.

SUPER: One week later.

A golf club hits a white tee ball and it goes flying in the
air.

We pan over to see Joe, sitting on a golf cart talking on the
phone, not paying attention to the game.

JOE
Ahh yes, Mike is one of a kind. I
hope he's alright.
(BEAT)
Now, how much are we talking for
this piece?

The number is huge and Joe, the stern business man, is even
surprised as he holds the phone away from his ear, widening
his eyes.

JOE (CONT’D)
I'll have my assistant send over an
agreement and title. Alright
sweetie, let's do lunch later.

He joins the other white men at the course. It's a casual
finance bro Saturday outing.

JOE (CONT’D)
Alright boys, next round is on me!

GOLFER #1
Closed on another one I see? I mean
who do I have to blow to get my
hands on a Mike Borelli exclusive
print?
39.


JOE
(Laughs)
Well we don't know what happened to
the guy, so no exclusive prints yet-

GOLFER #2
Oh please Joe, Mike Borelli was a
train wreck and you know it. It's
only a matter of time before his
body pops up in the Chattahoochee
River or some shit.
(BEAT)
C'mon your sitting on gold.

JOE
Well, I hope for the best and may
God have favor on him, that's all I
can do and hope for.

GOLFER #1
And cash that fat ass commission
check.

The group laughs as Joe's phone starts to ring, it's "Darla"
on the caller ID.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Vincent, overcome with remorse, cleans up the bloodstains in the bathroom. His laughter turns into tears, then transforms into a chilling grin. He rolls up Mike's body in the carpet and drags his severed head, leaving a trail of blood. In his backyard, he throws the body into a burning pit, watching it consumed by flames. This act marks Vincent's transformation into a cold and heartless individual, symbolized by the scene fading to black.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling character development
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, gripping, and intense, effectively portraying Vincent's dark transformation and the escalating tension.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Vincent's descent into darkness and the consequences of his actions is executed with depth and intensity, making it a compelling and engaging narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is dark, twisted, and full of suspense, effectively driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on edge.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre, with a focus on the psychological impact of the protagonist's actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Vincent, are well-developed and their actions and motivations are portrayed convincingly, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, transitioning from a troubled artist to a cold-blooded killer, showcasing a compelling character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to hide the evidence of his crime and maintain his composure while doing so. This reflects his fear of getting caught and his desire to appear unaffected by his actions.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to dispose of Mike's body and cover up the murder. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes and intense, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent facing challenges and obstacles that add to the suspense and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Vincent's actions leading to dire consequences and a dark turn of events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing Vincent's descent into darkness and the consequences of his actions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Vincent's moral compass and his actions. He is shown to be soulless and twisted, indicating a clash between his values and his behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of shock, horror, and suspense, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and impactful, effectively conveying the escalating tension and emotions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene transitions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is extremely graphic and violent, with a focus on the gruesome actions of the main character, Vincent. This level of violence may be off-putting to some viewers and could potentially overshadow the storytelling.
  • The transition from Vincent washing off the blood in the bathroom to dragging Mike's body across the floor and burning it in the backyard feels abrupt and disjointed. The emotional impact of the scene could be enhanced by smoother transitions and more nuanced storytelling.
  • The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional exploration. Vincent's actions are portrayed in a very one-dimensional and sensationalized manner, which may limit the audience's ability to connect with his character.
  • The use of violence and gore in the scene may come across as gratuitous and unnecessary, detracting from the overall narrative and potentially alienating viewers who are sensitive to graphic content.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in its portrayal of Vincent's descent into darkness. Exploring his internal struggles, emotions, and motivations in a more nuanced way could add depth and complexity to the character.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence and focusing more on the psychological aspects of Vincent's character. Show his internal struggles, guilt, and emotional turmoil in a more nuanced way.
  • Work on creating smoother transitions between different actions and scenes to improve the flow and coherence of the storytelling.
  • Explore ways to add depth and complexity to Vincent's character by delving into his motivations, fears, and vulnerabilities. This will help the audience connect with him on a deeper level.
  • Consider dialing back on the sensationalized elements of the scene and focus on building tension and suspense through subtler means.
  • Think about the overall message and impact of the scene on the audience. Ensure that the violence serves a purpose in the narrative and contributes to the overall themes of the screenplay.



Scene 16 -  Darla and Joe Discuss Vincent's Potential Replacement
INT. DARLA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Darla is sitting at her desk. She's looking at her computer
seeing news coverage on "Artists Mike Borelli Missing" in the
headline on the screen.

The woman on the screen is Sargent Vanessa, speaking at a
press conference as the news talks about the missing artists.

INTERCUT BETWEEN DARLA AND JOE.

DARLA
Hey how ya holding up?

JOE
I can't complain. This news is
spreading like wild fire, it's
kinda sad.

DARLA
I know. I DO hope he's alright and
he's found safe and sound.

He walks away from the group to talk a bit more candidly to
her in private.
40.


He pauses before he speaks letting out a light smile.

JOE
And I take it Vincent has heard
about the news already?

DARLA
I can't be sure but listen, things
ARE still touch and go. Joe, I just
want to reiterate that we ARE here
to step in the gap for the winter
show if need be.

JOE
(Sarcastically)
Same ol Darla. Dig the man's grave
why don't you?

DARLA
I'm just looking out for my
client’s best interest as YOU
should as well. If Mike isn't
found, the show must go on. No
sense in going on like this. It’s
an opportunity for the both of us.

JOE
I still need to talk to the board
about how we are going to move
forward if Mike isn't found, but if
this means that VINCENT can now be
the feature artist of the show -

DARLA
He will be. I will make sure of it.

JOE
Alright, well keep me updated with
how things are coming along. This
of course still doesn't change my
stance on anything, but Vincent
needs to prove himself if he wants
this newly open spot anyway.
(BEAT)
And it just so happens to look like
luck is on your side Darla.

DARLA
I won't let you down.

JOE
I'll give you three weeks to get me
something that is gonna secure his
spot with us for the Winter show.
41.


DARLA
That should be plenty of time.
We'll be in touch.

JOE
And Darla, if you can't turn this
around, there's not much else that
I can do.

A beat.

DARLA
Understood.

Darla hangs up rubs her temples with a stressed look.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Darla is watching the news about missing artist Mike Borelli when Joe approaches her. Joe is skeptical of Darla's motives for pushing Vincent for the spot, but Darla assures him that she is only looking out for her client's best interests. Joe gives Darla three weeks to prove Vincent's worth, but warns her that she won't have any other options if she fails.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and gripping, with a strong focus on character dynamics and the unfolding drama. The dialogue is sharp and drives the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of artists competing for a spot in a prestigious art show while dealing with personal and professional challenges is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The conflict between characters adds depth to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of competition and ambition in the art world, with authentic character interactions and realistic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding complexity to the narrative. The interactions between characters drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their motivations and relationships, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Darla's internal goal in this scene is to secure Vincent as the feature artist for the Winter show, showcasing her loyalty to her client and her determination to succeed in her career.

External Goal: 7

Darla's external goal is to ensure the success of the Winter show, even in the absence of the missing artist Mike Borelli.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters is intense and drives the plot forward, creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Darla and Joe, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high for the characters, with their careers and reputations on the line. The outcome of the art show could have a significant impact on their futures.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Darla and Joe, as well as the uncertain outcome of the missing artist situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Darla's pragmatic approach to the situation, focusing on the success of the show, and Joe's more cautious and skeptical attitude, emphasizing the need for Vincent to prove himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly anxiety and concern for the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the scene and moves the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and the tension between the characters, as well as the high stakes of the missing artist and the upcoming art show.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and moments of conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The dialogue is quite expositional and on-the-nose, which can make it feel less natural and more like the characters are simply stating facts or intentions to each other.
  • The characters' motivations are not very clear. Why is Darla so eager to have Vincent take Mike's place in the winter show? Why is Joe so reluctant to give Vincent a chance?
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. The characters are simply discussing the situation and their plans, but there is no real sense of urgency or stakes.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly, without a clear resolution or next step. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.
  • The dialogue is full of clichés and stock phrases, which can make it feel less authentic and more like a generic conversation.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less expositional. Have the characters talk about their feelings and motivations more, and use more subtext and implication.
  • Develop the characters' motivations more clearly. What are their goals? What are their fears? What are their conflicts?
  • Add a clear conflict or tension to the scene. What do the characters want? What are the obstacles in their way? What are the stakes?
  • Give the scene a clear resolution or next step. What happens after the conversation ends? What are the characters' plans?
  • Use more vivid and specific language in the dialogue. Avoid clichés and stock phrases, and try to find unique and interesting ways to express the characters' thoughts and feelings.



Scene 17 -  Inspiration and Opportunity
INT. DARLA’S ART GALLERY - NIGHT

It’s the evening now and Darla is still in the gallery.

Her last employee leaves her behind and she goes to lock the
door behind her.

The gallery is finally clear.

Darla goes back to her desk and start to rummage around in
her files.

She pulls out a envelope buldging full of cash. She slices it
open to reveal a wade of cash then quickly closes it back.

She let’s out a sigh trying to calm herself down.

DARLA
(To Herself)
Easy, easy Darla.

She notices Sherry Knocking at the window knocking.


MOMENTS LATER

Sherry is sitting down on a leather chase lounge, reading an
art magazine "THE METROPOLITAN".

The cover page of the magazine has a bold cover title page
"Woman Sells A Pot of Collard Greens in New York Gallery for
$1.8 Million Dollars."

Sherry shakes her head.
42.


SHERRY
(Sarcastically)
You know, you can't blame her for
"getting to the bag". Hell, if I
were her, I'd demand top dollar for
my art too.

DARLA
It was a pot of collard greens, I
would hesitate to call that art-

SHERRY
Some might.
But the Market is changing darling,
we've got to change with it and
that's what these kids want.

Sherry sarcastically shakes her hands beside her head like
spirit hands.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
NOVELTY!!

Sherry stands up and walks over to the new art work in
Darla's walls. It's big and minimalist feeling with black
bodies in contorted shapes on the white image.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
Did you hear about Mike, poor thing
right?

DARLA
It's horrible.

SHERRY
I tell ya, a Tsunami in the
Philippines takes out a whole town,
wipes it right off the map and no
one lifts a finger. A hotshot,
bisexual, snowplow goes missing and
the metropolitan takes out a full
page editorial piece on the mental
health of America's richest
contemporary artists.
(BEAT)
What is Joe saying about all of
this?

DARLA
Don't even get me started, he was
just convince Vincent is over and
now this.
43.


SHERRY
Well, is he?

Sherry glares over at Darla.

DARLA
I just don't know what I should do-

SHERRY
Honey, it's been months-

DARLA
He claims he's "out of
inspiration", but it's like he
never wants to talk about it.

SHERRY
About the shooting?
Darla, that doesn't mean he isn't
going to be inspired by it. You
know how artists are, they hold it
all in until it comes bubbling to
the surface one day in some
dramatic feat.
(BEAT)
Look, my mentor always told me and
I'm gonna tell you this-

Darla listens in closely.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
The key to TRUE art IS trauma.

She pauses and locks eyes with Darla.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
Lack of talent, there's not much
you can do there, but a Lack of
inspiration, now you and I both
know THAT is a fixable problem to
have.

DARLA
I’ve seen his talent. I was
thinking that he’d be more
“motivated” by now.

Sherry roles her eye.

SHERRY
The point of Art Curation is to
"create" a moment that patrons can
feel.
(MORE)
44.
SHERRY (CONT’D)
Tell a story that reminds them that
there is more to life than their
privileged lives of nannies and
vacations and country clubs.
(BEAT)
You know sometimes you have to
"create" a moment for your artist
to be "inspired". It's your job.

Darla pauses, and starts thinking to herself. She swallows
hard. It's almost like Darla is talking to her self.

DARLA
He won't let me see his work, the
gallery is already threatening to
drop him I mean, we've got three
weeks to turn in some pieces or we
are finished.

Sherry leans in, breaking through Darla's rambling.

SHERRY
Darla this is a blessing in
disguise if there was one and for
it to happen to Vincent at THIS
point in his career Darla, you've
struck oil.

DARLA
You’re right.

SHERRY
I mean just think about it, a
young, handsome black man is on his
rise to artistic fame. He's on the
top of the world with money, and
prestige. He's selling out shows in
Paris and Germany. He's an original
RAGS TO RICHEST story. He's at the
top of the world until his life is
shattered after a fucking POLICE
SHOOTING!? AND NOW the only other
artist that stood a chance to take
his place, goes missing in action!

Darla takes a beat and considers everything she just said.
There is a long beat before Sherry speaks again.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
The press will be eating hot shit
out of the palm of your hand to
cover that lifetime movie.
(MORE)
45.
SHERRY (CONT’D)
Your retirement plan is staring at
you square in the face girl so you
better act like it. This business
is no place for the "humble woman"
and you’re not getting any younger,
so secure your spot in this
business now!


Darla is quiet.

DARLA
What would you do?

She leans in mincingly.

SHERRY
Inspire him Darla. By any means
necessary. Whatever you have to do
however you have to do it, GIVE him
something that will sustain the
both of you."Create" the moment of
inspiration, don't wait for it come
to him or you.

SHERRY (CONT’D)
Now, i've had my eye on this one
since I stepped in here.

She points to a huge painting with a black woman's butt,
plastered across the canvas hanging on the wall.

DARLA
This is one of Borelli's earlier
pieces.

SHERRY
I know a few young bankers who
would die to have this plastered in
their apartment.
(BEAT)
Give me a minute..

Sherry pulls out her phone and face times the bankers,
walking off screen.

Darla smiles a light sinister smile, knowing she made this
sale.

She pulls out her phone and start to send a text to Vincent.

DARLA (TEXT)
How's those paintings coming along?
46.


Vincent starts sending a text message and three ellipses
(...) flash on the screen.

CUT TO :
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the quiet of her gallery, Darla discovers a large sum of cash and confides in Sherry about Vincent's lack of inspiration. Sherry suggests sparking inspiration by any means necessary, prompting Darla to make a strategic sale and update Vincent on his paintings' reception. The scene highlights the pressure on Darla to secure the gallery's future and the importance of inspiring Vincent while navigating the art market's intricacies.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up high stakes, with a dark and intense tone that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of manipulating an artist to create under pressure is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the gallery owner strategizes to inspire the artist, adding layers of complexity and tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the art market, artistic inspiration, and the relationship between artists and curators. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with the gallery owner facing internal conflict and the artist struggling with inspiration.

Character Changes: 7

Both characters undergo internal changes as they navigate the pressure and manipulation, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Darla's internal goal is to find a way to inspire Vincent, her struggling artist, to create new work and save their gallery from financial ruin. This reflects her desire to succeed in the art world and maintain her reputation.

External Goal: 7

Darla's external goal is to sell artwork and secure the future of the gallery. This goal is influenced by the pressure of deadlines and financial struggles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the gallery owner and the artist, as well as the external pressures they face, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals driving the conflict between Darla and Sherry. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the artist's career, the gallery owner's reputation, and the pressure to create add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and the moral gray areas they navigate. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of true art being born from trauma. Sherry believes that inspiration can be manufactured, while Darla struggles with the ethics of manipulating an artist's emotions for financial gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, manipulation, and hopelessness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the pressure and manipulation between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The tension between Darla and Sherry keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense as the characters discuss their dilemmas and make difficult decisions. The rhythm of the dialogue keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different topics and conversations without a cohesive thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters delivering exposition rather than engaging in meaningful interactions.
  • The transition between Darla's internal monologue and her conversation with Sherry could be smoother to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience.
  • The emotional depth of the characters could be further explored to make their motivations and actions more compelling.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a central conflict or theme for the scene to give it a clear direction and purpose.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging, allowing the characters to interact in a more natural way.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the flow and coherence of the conversations between Darla and Sherry.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing the art gallery in more detail and creating a visually stimulating environment for the audience.
  • Delve deeper into the emotional journey of the characters, particularly Darla, to add depth and complexity to their interactions.



Scene 18 -  Missing Persons Briefing
INT. VINCENT'S ART GALLERY - NIGHT

We cut to severed heads, fingers, bodies, and drain bodies in
plastic bags.

The sound of Vincent texting back Darla clicks as we see the
bodies and blood spread out all around the room.

Vincent he sends a text.

VINCENT (TEXT BUBBLE)
Hey Darla, I took your advice and I
think I have something. I feel
ready now.

Vincent looks up at all of the bodies that he has hacked up
in his studio.

The blood on the canvas is crusted black.

CUT TO BLACK


INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

TOM is sitting in a dark classroom where VANESSA, mid 40s
Black Woman/ police chief in a pants suit and disinterested
glare, stands at the front of the smokey room of male police
officers.

A few officers are yawning and nodding off to sleep in the
dark room while they go through a slide show of pictures.

She is holding a clicker and standing in front of a projector
with a woman's picture and images of a eclectic brick
apartment.

VANESSA
Gentleman, this is missing person
#4 this month. Now I know things
are getting crazy as we get closer
to the holiday's, but do we have
ANY leads here?

The older officers are silent as there uninterested faces and
still gazes turn to annoyance.
47.


She can see their judging eye's through the projectors
lights, but she's still pushes to get answers.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Not all at once.

One of the officers raise his hand through the projector
light.

RANDOM OFFICER
Well, this guy clearly has a type.
White, upper middle class, mid 20s
or 30s transplants-

OFFICER MILLER
Sounds like half of East Atlanta
Village, if you ask me.

They all chuckle in the dark, but Vanessa is not amused.

She cuts off the projector and nods to OFFICER MILLER, 40s
black man, to turn up the lights.

VANESSA
If we don't get some traction on
this perp soon, there won't be much
else to laugh about when we are the
laughing stocks of this city!

RANDOM OFFICER DAVIS
What do you think our guy is doing
out there?
(BEAT)
I mean, 4 missing people, no
bodies, and no evidence left at any
of the scenes. It's starting to
feel like were chasing ghost -

VANESSA
We ARE And THAT is our damn job! I
don't care if we need to raid every
street corner in Vine City.
Violence has no place in this city,
you all know that. I want you all
to put your thick heads together
and figure something out! If we
don't find this guy, it's only a
matter of time before he takes out
someone else and we don't need
anymore blood on our hands!

Tom looks down at his phone and see's a text from Lauren,
48.


VANESSA (CONT’D)
Tom!

He springs up from looking down at his phone.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Tom is our newest detective on
these cases. I trust that he will
help lead us to finding this
monster and be a fresh set of eyes.
(BEAT)
We have to get in front of this.

He quickly stands up in front of the other officers and
smiles.

OFFICER DAVIS
Excuse me if I sound rude, but how
old are you again?

TOM
Well I -

VANESSA
Tom has come highly recommended
from some of the best attorneys in
the Chicago District Attorney's
Office. I trust you all will
respect his new role as Special
Cases Investigator among our ranks.
(BEAT)
You all are dismissed for lunch.
Tom, Miller, come with me.

The group dismisses while Tom still stands there, sensing
that his new team of officers won't take to the newbie as
well.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Police Chief Vanessa presents missing persons cases to her team, expressing concern over the lack of leads. Officer Miller suggests a specific victim type, prompting discussion. Vanessa dismisses the officers for lunch, requesting Tom, the new detective, to join her and Miller for further investigation.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling plot twists
  • Gripping suspense
  • Complex character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a dark and intense tone, with a strong emotional impact and high stakes. It keeps the audience engaged and intrigued with its shocking revelations and disturbing events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the protagonist's descent into darkness and violence is compelling and well-executed. It explores complex themes of guilt, trauma, and artistic inspiration in a unique and impactful way.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and full of suspense, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience on edge. It effectively moves the story forward and sets up intriguing conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality with its fresh approach to crime and mystery elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the story and keeps the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions are driven by their emotions and motivations. The protagonist's transformation is particularly compelling, showcasing a deep internal struggle and moral ambiguity.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant transformation, descending into darkness and violence. This change is crucial to the plot and sets up further character development and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to feel ready and confident in his artistic abilities, as indicated by his text to Darla. This reflects his deeper desire for validation and success in his gruesome art.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate and solve the missing persons case, as assigned by Vanessa. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in his new role as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the plot forward and creating tension. The protagonist's moral dilemma and the escalating violence contribute to the high level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges that the protagonist must overcome. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the protagonist's actions leading to irreversible consequences and moral dilemmas. The tension and suspense are heightened by the life-and-death situations and ethical quandaries.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key plot points and character developments. It sets up new conflicts and challenges for the protagonist, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the complex dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between upholding justice and solving the case, as opposed to the officers' lack of interest and Vanessa's determination to catch the perpetrator. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of his work and the impact of violence in the city.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from shock and horror to empathy and unease. The protagonist's emotional journey and the tragic events unfold in a way that resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and inner turmoil effectively. It adds depth to the scenes and enhances the overall atmosphere of the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, well-developed characters, and intriguing plot. The tension between the characters and the mystery of the missing persons case keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between different locations and characters to advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a graphic and violent description of severed heads, fingers, bodies, and blood, which may be too intense and disturbing for some audiences.
  • The transition from the gruesome imagery to Vincent sending a text to Darla feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth transition or connection between the two elements.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Darla in the text message lacks depth and emotion, missing an opportunity to explore Vincent's mindset and motivations further.
  • The scene then shifts abruptly to a police station setting with Vanessa and Tom, introducing a new storyline without a clear connection to the previous events involving Vincent.
  • The dialogue and interactions between the police officers feel cliched and lack depth, with predictable exchanges and stereotypical characterizations.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence in the opening description to maintain a balance between suspense and shock value.
  • Work on smoother transitions between scenes to ensure a cohesive flow of events and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Vincent and Darla to provide insight into Vincent's character development and emotional journey.
  • Establish a clearer connection between the different storylines and characters introduced in the scene to maintain coherence and continuity in the screenplay.
  • Focus on developing more nuanced and realistic interactions between the police officers to add depth and authenticity to the investigative storyline.



Scene 19 -  Missing Persons Investigation
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Vanessa sits across from Tom and Officer Miller at a steel
metal table.

Vanessa is shuffling through a folder of peoples files.

VANESSA
Brittney Rockmore 26, Nicolas
Amastade 28, Derrick James 31.
(BEAT)
All within the last month. This is
a mess.
49.


Tom shifts through the folders and looks at the pictures of
missing people.

All of their pictures are from Instagram and all of the
victims smiling with their friends or online.

OFFICER MILLER
And they are all white?
I'm surprised the FBI ain't bust
through here already.

VANESSA
Regardless of their race, we need
to get a handle on this now. We
need to know if all of these people
are being targeted by the same guy
or group.

TOM
So you DO think they are all
connected?

Officer Miller rolls his eyes.

VANESSA
I hate to say, but all the signs
are there. All of these scenes were
flawless and in all my years of
work, this killer has a pattern
like the rest of them. These
victims are usually all connected
in some way.
(BEAT)
He comes in, gets close to the
victim and finds a way to take out
the victim without anyone even
hearing a pin drop. Maybe a
boyfriend, a friend, a new lover.
But, this is only gonna get harder
the longer we wait.

TOM
Whose this? He looks familiar.

Vanessa set's a stack of files in front of Tom. Showing Mike
on the top page.

VANESSA
Mike Borelli.
(BEAT)
He was reported missing about a
week ago. It took forever to get a
warrant from the family estate.
(MORE)
50.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
They locked down the entire place
to get a hold of all of his
unfinished paintings or something.

OFFICER MILLER
They must have forgot that those
"paintings" are part of a crime
scene now.

VANESSA
Well, I got a warrant for the place
earlier this morning. We don't have
much time to get in and get out, so
let's get out of here and take a
look around!

Officer Miller leaves the room leaving Tom and Vanessa
behind.

TOM
Hey V, just wanted to say, thank so
much again for the opportunity.

Vanessa’s hardened exterior softens and she smile at his
boyish enthusiasm.

VANESSA
Don't mention it. I owed Lauren a
sorority favor anyway, so consider
us even. You know, when Lauren
recommended you, I told her that
you would have a tough case on your
hands, so here it is.
(BEAT)
Now let's ride.

She playfully shoves him and winks.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Plus, I need a guy like you on our
team. You come with some good
experience and we need more of "Us"
in the office.

TOM
Thanks, I won't let you down.

VANESSA
Just keep your head down and you'll
blend in fine. Let's get outta
here!
51.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Detectives gather to discuss a string of disappearances. Evidence suggests a connection, prompting an investigation to determine the cause and identify the responsible party.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Building suspense
  • Introducing new plotline
  • Creating tension and urgency
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new plotline and builds suspense with the investigation of missing persons. The dialogue is engaging, and the tone sets a dark and intense atmosphere, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating missing persons adds depth to the storyline and introduces a new layer of mystery and suspense. The scene effectively sets up a compelling plotline that will likely drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the missing persons investigation, adding complexity and intrigue to the overall story. The scene moves the narrative forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by incorporating modern technology and social media into the investigation. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Vanessa and Tom, are well-defined and contribute to the tension and conflict of the investigation. Their interactions and dynamics add depth to the storyline and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Tom as a new character sets the stage for potential growth and development as the investigation progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Vanessa's internal goal in this scene is to solve the missing persons cases and catch the killer. This reflects her desire to protect the community and seek justice for the victims.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the missing persons cases and gather evidence to catch the killer. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the crimes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, as the officers grapple with the challenge of solving a series of connected disappearances. There is tension and urgency as they discuss the potential dangers and complexities of the case.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and obstacles that challenge the protagonist's investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the officers grapple with the challenge of solving a series of connected disappearances. The urgency and seriousness of the situation add tension and intrigue to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new plotline and raising the stakes with the investigation of missing persons. It sets up new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome, driving the narrative towards a more complex and engaging direction.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the evolving dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Vanessa's belief in the importance of solving the cases and Officer Miller's dismissive attitude towards the victims. This challenges Vanessa's values of justice and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and intrigue rather than eliciting strong emotional responses. However, there is an undercurrent of tension and foreboding that adds depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and drives the investigation forward. It effectively conveys the urgency and seriousness of the situation while also revealing insights into the characters' motivations and personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing mystery, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension, revealing new information, and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a focus on investigation, character development, and building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation being discussed.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more specific details or character development to make it more engaging.
  • The transition between discussing the missing persons cases and Mike Borelli's disappearance feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact of the investigation on the characters, particularly Vanessa and Tom.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere, making it more immersive for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue by incorporating personal insights or conflicts among the characters to make the scene more dynamic.
  • Introduce more visual elements to paint a vivid picture of the interrogation room and the characters' emotions, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.
  • Build up the tension and urgency by emphasizing the high stakes of the investigation and the pressure on the characters to solve the cases.
  • Explore the relationships and dynamics between Vanessa, Tom, and Officer Miller to add depth to their interactions and make the scene more engaging.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to ensure a smooth flow between different plot points and character interactions, creating a more cohesive narrative.



Scene 20 -  The Search
EXT. MIKE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Mike's apartment is very posh and minimalist looking. It's
white walls and white marble floor give it a Miami Condo Vibe
even in the middle of Atlanta.

The TV is still on and clothes still scattered from the last
night he was there.

Vanessa scans the room. She is barely impressed

VANESSA
Nice place. Check out the bedroom,
I'll get the kitchen. Get some
pictures for the file.

Vanessa walks around the apartment with gorgeous views and
hype-beast style art trinkets on the table.

She opens the wooden drawers revealing more watches and
eclectic socks and underwear.

She opens one of the drawers and pulls out a picture of Mike
at an art gallery.

She scans the picture for faces and puts the picture in her
leather overcoat.

CUT TO:


LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tom walks over to the white modern living room with hip hop
music quietly playing on a small speaker in the corner.

The coffee table is scattered with magazines and letters that
read "fan mail".

Tom picks one of the letters up. It rolls out into a longer
image (likely a nude photo).

He see's a iPad and picks it up and starts poking through it.

He looks over at an Alexa style speaker sitting on the table.
He notices the flashing red light ring.

TOM
"Jinny, read my voicemail."

Tom starts to scroll through the iPad looking at Tom's
instagram page.
52.


SPEAKER
Okay, you have one new message-
(BEAT)
"Hey babe, it's Alex, i'm sending
you a flyer to my party next week
you should stop by. You know I miss
you, call me when you get here."

Vanessa walks in on the tail end of the voicemail.

TOM
(To Himself)
Alex?

VANESSA
Maybe a girlfriend or something.
Let's add her name to the list.
(BEAT)
At this point we need anyone we can
get cuz I have nothing concrete in
here. I have a feeling Alex
probably has some answers..

TOM
I don't know, how do we even know
they were together that night?

VANESSA
We don't, but this is the closest
thing we have to a witness right
now.
(TO MILLER)
Order a digital search and let's
find out who this ALEX person is
and what she might know about
Mike’s last location.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Vanessa and Tom search Mike's apartment for clues about his last location. Vanessa finds a picture of Mike at an art gallery and Tom finds a voicemail from a woman named Alex. They decide to find Alex and question her about Mike's whereabouts.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched detective tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a new plotline, introduces compelling characters, and maintains a tense and mysterious tone throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a disappearance adds depth to the overall story and creates a sense of urgency and intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of a new mystery, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements like high-end technology and hype-beast style art, creating a unique and contemporary setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and show potential for development, especially with the hints at personal conflicts and motivations.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, especially as the investigation progresses and personal motivations come to light.

Internal Goal: 8

Vanessa's internal goal in this scene is to gather evidence and information related to Mike's whereabouts. This reflects her desire to solve the mystery and uncover the truth, as well as her dedication to her job as an investigator.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the apartment and gather clues about Mike's activities and relationships. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a missing person case and finding leads to follow.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, both in the investigation itself and in the personal dynamics between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' investigative skills and ethical boundaries. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the investigation into a missing person, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discoveries and revelations made by the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as new information comes to light.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between uncovering the truth and respecting privacy. Vanessa and Tom must balance their investigative duties with ethical considerations about invading Mike's personal space and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on building suspense and intrigue, there are hints of emotional depth, especially in the personal moments of the detectives.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to move the investigation forward while also hinting at underlying tensions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing mystery, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the investigation and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character actions. It effectively builds tension and reveals new information about the investigation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering they are investigating a missing person's case.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow, especially with lines like 'Nice place. Check out the bedroom, I'll get the kitchen.'
  • The description of the apartment and the actions of the characters could be more detailed and engaging to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
  • The transition between Vanessa and Tom's actions could be smoother to maintain the continuity of the scene.
  • The discovery of the voicemail from Alex feels a bit cliched and predictable, lacking a sense of intrigue or mystery.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspense and tension to the scene by emphasizing the urgency of the investigation and the importance of finding clues in Mike's apartment.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of how real investigators would communicate in such a situation.
  • Enhance the description of the apartment and the characters' actions to create a more immersive and engaging visual experience for the reader.
  • Work on smoother transitions between Vanessa and Tom's actions to maintain the flow of the scene and avoid abrupt shifts.
  • Consider adding a twist or unexpected element to the discovery of the voicemail from Alex to make it more intriguing and less predictable.



Scene 21 -  Interrogating the Influencer
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

ALEX, mid 20s white woman, IG Influencer/ Model type blonde,
sits on one side of the interrogation room with her attorney.

Vanessa, Tom, and FRANKLIN, White Male mid 40s and the local
City Attorney, sits in the interrogation room watching the
drama unfold on the other side of the window.

Franklin sits back and watches as they go at it on the other
side of the window. He's drinking his coffee as the screaming
match unfolds.
53.


ATTORNEY
I would suggests that if you don't
have any evidence that my client is
responsible for this, we will be
leaving now!

VANESSA
Tracy please! We just want to
understand what happened the night
of the party and Lex seems like she
would know.
(to Alex)
You said that you didn't see Mike
that night right?

ALEX
No, I didn't even know he made it
to my party!

TOM
And on that night you claim that
you were too drunk to remember
seeing him? This man is missing, we
need a little more details than
that!

ALEX
What do you want me to say, huh?
Mike and I were cool, but we had
just started talking! I met him at
a party, we exchanged number, and
we slept together once or twice,
but that’s it.

ATTORNEY
Enough. If you find the kid great,
but we're not gotta be roped into
your little witchhunt. You want to
talk to us, take it up in the
courts. But until then, have a good
day.


Alex and her attorney storm out of the interrogation room.
Franklin watches them walkaway with an annoyed look on his
face.

He sips the last bit of coffee and raises his eye brows to
the clown show.

FRANKLIN
Well, that was "helpful".
54.


VANESSA
Yeah real "helpful". Sorry you had
to see that.

Vanessa is disappointed at the set back.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Well, thanks for stopping by anyway
Frank. I was sure we would have a
lead.

FRANKLIN
The clock is ticking. I've just
heard a few mumbles about this
escalating to your friends in
Washington.
(BEAT)
Look there is nothing I can do to
prosecute this.

VANESSA
Already?
(BEAT)
We can't get anymore time from the
DA's office to pin down a suspect?

FRANKLIN
I can see what I can do, but until
we get a body or evidence to
prosecute, this is JUST another
missing persons case.
(BEAT)
You’re honestly wasting your time
V. Maybe this isn't what you all
think it is. Thousands of people go
missing everyday and sometimes they
are never found.

VANESSA
C’mon Franklin.

FRANKLIN
I’m V, do really want your
reputation on the line for this?

Vanessa pauses.

VANESSA
Can you two give us a minute?

The room clears and Vanessa closes the door behind him.
55.


VANESSA (CONT’D)
Frank If you can’t tell, my office
has been under the microscope since
I took this position, I need your
support on this.

FRANKLIN
Don’t we all

VANESSA
C’mon Frank you know me. I have had
to fight tooth and nail to get this
position and this is a big case. I
can’t just take this lying down.

FRANKLIN
I feel for you and understand V,
but you gotta know when to hold ‘em
and when to fold em. This is a
serial killer case and we only at
30% clearance rate for these cases.
Honestly, I don’t think you even
have the resources to waste on a
hunch.
(BEAT)
I’ll keep my ear to the ground on
this, but that’s all I can do _

VANESSA
Frank please. Atlanta has never had
a sheriffs like me before and this
could be life changing.e I feel
like can crack this thing open
WITHOUT someone swopping in to take
credit for all of the work we did!

FRANKLIN
Feelings don't get convictions. You
don't even have a suspect yet! At
this point you all are just drawing
at straws and in all honesty, I've
spent too much time on this case as
it is.
(BEAT)
You need EVIDENCE to convict or
just move on. Call me when you do
get some real traction, but until
then, Happy Holiday's.

Vanessa let’s Franklin walk.
56.


TOM
I think there is more to this story
and we need to do some more digging
to get the evidence that we need.
I just have a feeling that we will
find something we just have to look
a bit closer.

FRANKLIN


Franklin walks out of the room leaving the duo behind.

Tom looks over at Vanessa with a disappointed look. He drops
his head down in defeat.

TOM
What now?

VANESSA
Back to the drawing board. Our
guy’s out there, but he's not gonna
make it easy on us to find him.
(BEAT)
We'll keep looking until we get
something. Leave no stone unturned.
Let's put our heads together and
figure something out.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Vanessa, Tom, and Franklin interrogate Alex, an influencer with a possible connection to the missing man, Mike. However, Alex denies involvement, and her lawyer abruptly ends the questioning. Franklin expresses skepticism about the case, while Vanessa remains determined to find the truth. Despite the lack of evidence, Vanessa and Tom resolve to continue their investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Realistic portrayal of investigation
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up a compelling mystery that keeps the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a missing person case is executed effectively, drawing the audience into the complexities of the investigation.

Plot: 8

The plot is focused on the investigation, with tension building as the characters face setbacks and challenges in their pursuit of the truth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar interrogation setting but adds complexity through the characters' conflicting motivations and the nuanced portrayal of the legal process. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their desire to solve the case, with Vanessa showing determination and Tom displaying a sense of duty.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character development in this scene, the determination of the investigators is reinforced.

Internal Goal: 8

Alex's internal goal is to maintain her innocence and protect her reputation as an influencer/model. This reflects her fear of being wrongly accused and her desire to preserve her public image.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prove her innocence in the missing person case and avoid being implicated in any wrongdoing. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the interrogation room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the investigators and the suspects adds tension to the scene, driving the plot forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations creating obstacles for the protagonist. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of solving a missing person case add urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads and obstacles in the investigation.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected character decisions that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of justice and the pressure to solve the case quickly versus the need for concrete evidence before making accusations. This challenges Vanessa's values of thorough investigation and due process.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of frustration and determination, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in other scenes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the high stakes of the investigation and the conflicting motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting motivations, and intense dialogue exchanges that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with tension building gradually through dialogue exchanges and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an interrogation room setting, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the tension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a tense interrogation scene, with clear character motivations and escalating conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation being investigated.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The character dynamics between Vanessa, Tom, and Franklin could be further developed to create more conflict and intrigue.
  • The resolution of the scene feels anticlimactic, with Franklin's departure leaving the investigation at a standstill.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional and psychological impact of the missing persons case on the characters.
Suggestions
  • Introduce more conflict and tension by exploring the personal stakes of the characters involved in the investigation.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' motivations, fears, and relationships.
  • Consider adding a plot twist or unexpected revelation to keep the audience engaged and guessing.
  • Build up the suspense by gradually revealing clues and hints that lead to a breakthrough in the investigation.
  • Focus on the emotional journey of the characters as they navigate the challenges of solving a complex case, adding depth and complexity to their interactions.



Scene 22 -  Vincent's Blood-Inspired Canvas
INT. DARLA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Here it is! The first painting with blood. Vincent stands
behind her was she inspects the piece.

She doesn't know weather to be surprised or laugh or shrivel
in fear.

Vincent's eyes are shifting from side to side as he watches
her. He's worried, scanning Darla's face for approval.

She examines the art work. The painting is in the shape of a
human with expressionist strokes on it.

DARLA
What inspired this?

VINCENT
I've been working on it for a while
now, but last night something just
came to me. I took your advice and
tried something out so -
(MORE)
57.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
What do you think?

She touches the strokes of paint/blood on the white canvas.

Sweat collects on the top of Vincent's forehead as he looks
on nervously over her shoulder. He swallows HARD!

Darla's heels click and she circles the painting.

She feels the ridged texture.

She hides her face from Vincent.

She lifts her finger from the painting and see's a spec of
red blood on her hand.

Darla is standing in front of the canvas while Vincent is in
the background behind her, looking on as she inspects the
work.

With out turning, Vincent mutters out -

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Do you think the gallery will like
it?

DARLA
You want me to be honest with you?

She turns to him and charges towards him.

DARLA (CONT’D)
This is breathtaking work. THIS is
your inspired work. THIS is what
we've been waiting for you to
produce since last year.
(BEAT)
It's dark and frantic. I FEEL YOU
in this piece in a way that I
haven't in so long.
(BEAT)
THIS is the new direction.

Vincent is relieved and smiling a bit.

Darla rubs her hands together getting rid of the blood on her
finger .

VINCENT
Okay good! Well, I can keep making
more things. I can try and
reproduce this a few times over.
58.


DARLA
Let me make a few calls to get the
word out to the agents, but
Vincent, I feel good about this
one.

Vincent just smiles.

DARLA (CONT’D)
I told you, we got this Vincent.
Trust me, I see something new in
you and we just have to harness it
right here right now.
(BEAT)
Keep doing whatever you are doing
to make pieces like THIS and we
will be back on top in no time.
(BEAT)
I'm curious, what was the change of
heart?

Vincent struggles to answer before Darla cuts him off.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Doesn't matter, we need to keep
this going and get you back out
there.

VINCENT
I'll work on a few more like this.
I just want you to know that I AM
serious about my career as a
artists and I am thankful that you
have stuck with me through all of
this.

The odd tone makes Darla tilts her head, surprised.

DARLA
Don't mention it.

Darla pulls out her phone and leaves Vincent behind, but his
smile turns to worry. His paranoia is starting to get the
best of him.

While Darla chatters away on the phone, the painting starts
to haunt him.

Vincent fixates on the painting across the room.

He steps closer and closer to the canvas as his heartbeat
increases in sound and pace.
59.


Darla glances over and as Vincent seems slowly enchanted by
the piece touching the canvas.

He's face to face with the painting. He reaches out to touch
it with his finger trembling.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Vincent?

Vincent JUMPS!

VINCENT
What, uhh yes, what's up?

DARLA
Is everything okay?

VINCENT
Sorry, just got a little
distracted. I'll let myself out.

DARLA
Okay, and Vincent. Any name for
these new pieces?

VINCENT
I'll leave that up to you.

DARLA
Okay.

Darla suspiciously looks at him over her shoulder while she's
on the phone. She smiles and waves talking back on her phone.

He lets out a deep breath and fast walks out of the Gallery.

Her eyes lock back on the painting while she talks on the
cell phone.

DARLA (CONT’D)
Alright, let me call you back.

The painting is all alone illuminated under the studio
lights.

Darla walks towards the painting with confusion and a bit of
suspicion.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Vincent presents Darla with a blood-infused painting, invoking her praise. As Darla promotes Vincent's work, his obsession with the painting intensifies, causing Darla to suspect something unusual.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Unique use of blood in the painting
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character motivations could be clearer

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces a new direction for the character, and leaves the audience intrigued and wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using blood in the painting as a symbol of Vincent's inner turmoil and inspiration is innovative and adds depth to the character and story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with Vincent's newfound inspiration and the potential for his career to take a new direction, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the artist-gallery dynamic, with the use of blood in the painting adding a unique twist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Vincent and Darla are well-developed, with Vincent's internal struggle and Darla's supportive yet mysterious demeanor adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent undergoes a significant change from a state of paranoia and uncertainty to a newfound sense of inspiration and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself as an artist and gain approval from Darla. This reflects his deeper desire for validation and success in his career.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to have his artwork accepted by the gallery and potentially attract agents. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in advancing his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Vincent's past struggles and his newfound inspiration, as well as the underlying tension between Vincent and Darla, adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Darla's expectations and Vincent's internal struggles creating conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with Vincent's potential career revival and the mysterious and dangerous elements introduced in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new direction for Vincent's career and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Vincent's behavior and the ambiguous ending, leaving the audience unsure of his intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between artistic inspiration and commercial success. Darla represents the commercial aspect, while Vincent embodies the struggle for artistic integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and intrigue, drawing the audience into Vincent's emotional journey and the dark atmosphere of the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, intrigue, and character dynamics, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the dynamic between the characters, and the unfolding of Vincent's artistic journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual increase in intensity leading to the climax of Vincent's interaction with the painting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to standard screenplay format, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear progression of tension and resolution. The dialogue and actions flow naturally within the setting.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the reader confused about the significance of the painting made with blood.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters delivering lines that don't flow organically.
  • Vincent's paranoia and fixation on the painting could be better developed to create a more suspenseful and engaging atmosphere.
  • The transition from Darla's initial reaction to the painting to her sudden praise feels abrupt and could be better justified.
  • There is a lack of depth in the interaction between Vincent and Darla, making their dynamic feel superficial and unconvincing.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the intention behind the painting made with blood to give it more depth and meaning within the context of the story.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Build up Vincent's paranoia and fixation on the painting gradually to create a sense of suspense and tension.
  • Provide a smoother transition in Darla's reaction to the painting, ensuring her praise feels earned and authentic.
  • Develop the relationship between Vincent and Darla to make their interactions more compelling and believable.



Scene 23 -  Vincent's Hallucinations and Dinner Tensions
EXT. DARLA'S OFFICE (PARKING LOT) - NIGHT

Vincent fast walks out to his car.

He opens the door and sits in the driver seat.
60.


He rest his head of the steering wheel as flashback of a few
of the killings plays back in his head.

He looks at his reflection in the rearview mirror.

His phone starts to ring LOUD in his pocket. It's Stacy.

STACY (O.S.)
Hey babe?

VINCENT
Hey, baby what's up?

STACY (O.S.)
What's where are you, why are you
breathing so hard?

VINCENT
Just left the gym, what's up?

STACY (O.S.)
Well, I was calling to see when you
would get here, we have that dinner
with Tom and Lauren remember?

Shit! This dinner completely slipped his mind. He shudders
out a response.

VINCENT
Of course, I was just on the way
there!

STACY (O.S.)
Okay, well hurry!

VINCENT
I'll be there in a few.

He turns the keys and pulls off.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

Stacy is in the bathroom getting dressed until she opens the
glass mirror looking for a hair ties.

She takes one out, but one of them and drops it in the
garbage. She sticks her hand in the can and feels around.

Suddenly, she pulls out an empty pill bottle.

She walks over and calls the number on the bottle.
61.


STACY
Hey Dr. Brown it's Stacy. Um yes, I
have a question about a
prescription that I just found. I
know i's late, I had a few
questions -

Audio fade out.

Lauren grabs her purse.

FADE TO BLACK:


INT. TOM AND LAUREN'S HOUSE (DINNER TABLE) - NIGHT

The table is full of food. Tom sits across from Stacy and
Vincent across from Lauren.

Vincent seems really distracted by Tom's new police badge
swinging on his neck.

He keeps looking at it and sipping his drink nervously.

We close in on the badge with his new patrol numbers as he
walks over with more food for the table.

STACY
Thanks so much for having us, it's
been forever since we had dinner
like this, right babe?

VINCENT
Yeah we really appreciate it,
especially with all that's been
going on these last few months.

LAUREN
Don't mention it, it's been ages
anyway!
(To Tom)
Babe tell them about the transfer.

STACY
Transfer?

TOM
I got the promotion.

VINCENT
I was wondering about that. New
job?

Vincent points to Tom's badge.
62.


TOM
Yeah, I'm working those missing
persons cases.

Vincent swallows hard as silence freezes over the table.

Stacy smiles at Vincent

STACY
Missing persons huh?

TOM
Yep. Mostly white girls too, I
can't say the news is all accurate
but, it's crazy. The count is up to
what, about 5 now?

LAUREN
It's just awful.

Lauren pours herself a glass of wine.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
But, White girls can only go
missing in action for so long. They
will catch em trust and believe.
Detective Tom has been working day
and night trying to find a lead on
this creep.

TOM
Well, hopefully we'll wrap this up
soon.

LAUREN
I just wish they would spend the
same money and time to find some of
these missing black girls too.

STACY
It feel so scary around here now of
days. I don't remember the city
feeling so unsafe!

TOM
I know. You know if more brothers
channeled their energy into
something more constructive like
Art, people wouldn't look at us
like criminals?

LAUREN
Here we go with this, can we just
have a nice dinner Tom!
63.


Lauren takes a sip knowing that Tom is about to go on one of
his "back the blue" conservative rants. Stacy is reeled in.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
As you can see, Tom's been sipping
the Blue Lives Matter Kool Aid.

TOM
What, it's true baby. Black people
in general commit more crime in
Atlanta and it starts with the
young black boys and they grow into
deviant black men. If niggas don't
want better for themselves then so
be it, nothing we can do about it.

Lauren rolls her eyes and Vincent doesn't look up.

Stacy places her hand on Vincent's knee under the table.

Tom is very different than he was when they talked last.

LAUREN
Wow, Tom I work with troubled black
kids everyday and not a single one
of them WANT to be in the
situations they are in. You don't
think they want better outta life?

Tom rolls his eyes and eats his food.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
These students don't even have
school councilors. No doors on the
bathroom, no air on the school bus,
you think people out here are just
choosing crime ?
(BEAT)
Sounds like a school to prison
pipeline to me. That's why I went
into civil law in the first place.

Tom rolls his eyes and eats his food.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
(To Stacy)
For example. Just last week, these
two little boys in my office lost
their mother. They just got to
middle school and there's no one
there to help them cope with there
day to day life or the trauma they
just experienced.
(MORE)
64.
LAUREN (CONT’D)
Yes, they have the teachers in the
classroom for a piece of their day
to provide some stability and
comfort for their schooling, but I
can't imagine what the rest of
their life is gonna be like without
the emotional support they need and
finding away to cope with what
happened -

TOM
(To Vincent)
See women just have a different way
of thinking than Men when it comes
to this stuff. We can't afford to
be these emotional creatures that
women want us to be. Boys SHOULD be
strong and learn how to provide and
be emotionally intelligent, but a
lot of my cases have been emotional
boys turned to evil men. I haven't
had a female serial killer, axe
murder, or peeping Tom that wasn't
emotionally unstable.

VINCENT
Come on Tom. Don't you think you’re
being a little judgmental?

LAUREN
A little?

TOM
I'm on the inside now bro. I see
how these white boys work and how
it all goes down.

VINCENT
Really?

TOM
I ain't a cop, but I see how they
talk behind closed doors. They plot
and scheme with their buddies, they
set the trap and we take the bait
every time. Why do you think they
keep killing us? That's how the
system is designed. I'm trying to
change the system from the inside
and that's just how I see it. It's
not right but it's fair.

Vincent is surprised.
65.


VINCENT
Fair? You even sound like one of
them now.

Tension heightens as Tom drops his fork and smiles at
Vincent.

TOM
Come on Vince, don't tell me you've
gotten all uppity on me?

VINCENT
Well, I wouldn't call it uppity.
Just Humane that's all. I just feel
like you of all people would
understand-

TOM
Understand what? The Streets?!

Tom laughs and looks around the table. Lauren is embarrassed
in front of Vincent and Stacy.

TOM (CONT’D)
We got an education, pursued our
dreams and avoided being the
stereotype. Those brothers fell
into the trap -

LAUREN
Please, Vincent doesn't wanna hear
all that shit. I swear niggas get
on salary and don't know how to act
and don't act like you wasn't one
of those "brothers" before I met
you.
(BEAT)
That's y'all's problem now.

Stacy laughs to herself.

Tom get's offended, but almost smirks at Lauren's curtness.

TOM
(Indifferently)
Attorney Baker may not think so,
But, we ALL had a choice and we
chose it. These water-boys can make
good choices too, without breaking
into peoples houses after the fact-
66.


LAUREN
And not everybody has Jack and Jill
and Ivy Leagues connects to get
them through life like us. Your
surrounding informs your choices,
that's all I'm saying.

The oven timer rings in the distance and interrupts the
tension in the room.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
And, I don't know who suggested
politics at the dinner table
anyway, but let's change topics
here!

STACY
Agreed.

LAUREN
Come help me get the pie out of the
oven.

Lauren walks over to the kitchen, as Tom shakes his head at
her wit.

Vincent start to cut a piece of the stake on the plate.

He's having a bit a trouble as he drives the knife through
the meat. This hallucination also, feels too real as the
blood spills on the white plate.

LAUREN (V.O.)
Stacy, you watched Potomac, Chile I
just can't deal.

Lauren's voice echos in the distance.

Vincent's stakes starts to bleed out! And he looks confused.
It looks way too real. He wipes his eyes and the blood goes
away.

Tom is eating his food too.

TOM (WHISPERS TO VINCENT)
I know they're not all bad but, I
just see some really dark stuff now-
(BEAT)
We’re gonna find this guy, if this
is the last thing I do.
(BEAT)
Anyway, what are you working on?
Any new pieces we should be on the
look out for?
67.


He pushes his setback, the chair drag across the ground.

The room is surprised by his outburst, looking at him.

Vincent stands up staring down at this plate and the plate
looks normal again.

He is embarrassed and quickly looks up at Tom and Lauren,
hoping they won't catch on.

VINCENT
Um, Can I use your bathroom?

TOM
Sure it's right around the corner -

Vincent jumps up from the table and rushes off screen.
Stacy looks over a notices him leaving the table, but she
doesn't make a fuss about it.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary **Vincent experiences hallucinations and flashbacks while Stacy discovers an empty pill bottle. At dinner with Tom and Lauren, Tom's controversial views on crime and race escalate tensions. Vincent hallucinates blood on his plate and rushes to the bathroom, leaving the table in disarray.**
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of societal issues
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as controversial or polarizing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and sets up a lot of conflict and tension, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring societal issues, personal struggles, and inner turmoil is well-executed and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces various conflicts and tensions, especially regarding the missing persons cases and the inner turmoil of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on race, crime, and societal expectations, with characters engaging in complex and thought-provoking discussions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add layers to the scene, especially in terms of their differing perspectives and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The scene shows hints of character development, especially in Vincent's internal struggle and conflicting emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control despite his inner turmoil and guilt over his past actions. He is struggling to keep his emotions in check and hide his true feelings from those around him.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to navigate through a social gathering without revealing his inner struggles or past actions. He wants to maintain a sense of normalcy and avoid suspicion from those around him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with various conflicts, both internal and external, adding tension and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and hidden agendas creating tension and conflict among the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, especially with the missing persons cases and the inner turmoil of the characters, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and the revelation of hidden emotions and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting dynamics and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of race, crime, and societal expectations. Tom and Lauren represent different perspectives on these issues, highlighting the complexities of systemic injustice and personal responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially through the characters' struggles and conflicts, making it impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and beliefs, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, sharp dialogue, and complex character dynamics. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflicts and emotional moments. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the intensity of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy sequence in a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-heavy sequence in a screenplay, with clear character interactions and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Vincent's car to Tom and Lauren's dinner table, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Lauren escalates quickly into a heated debate about race and crime, which feels forced and unnatural.
  • Vincent's hallucination of the bleeding steak is a powerful visual, but it could be more effectively integrated into the scene to enhance the tension and suspense.
  • The tension between the characters is palpable, but the transition from the intense debate to Vincent's hallucination feels disjointed and could be smoother.
  • Vincent's sudden departure from the table after the hallucination could be better motivated or explained within the context of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Vincent's car and the dinner table to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Focus on developing the debate between Tom and Lauren in a more organic and realistic way to make the dialogue feel more authentic.
  • Integrate Vincent's hallucination more seamlessly into the scene to enhance the suspense and add depth to his character.
  • Explore ways to connect Vincent's hallucination to the ongoing conversation at the dinner table to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Provide a clearer motivation for Vincent's sudden departure from the table to ensure that his actions are well-grounded in the context of the scene.



Scene 24 -  A Hidden Horror
INT. TOM AND LAUREN (BATHROOM)- NIGHT

Vincent rushes into the bathroom door, shutting it behind
him. He splashes water on his face and tries to calm himself
down. His heart beat is loud and breath short.

He rests his head on the door of the bathroom, letting out a
deep breath.

As he leans, we pan down his leg as blood drips on the floor
below him.

Each drop is slow and he doesn't notice until he looks down
at his hands now covered in blood. Just as he starts to calm
down, blood is all over his hands.

He grabs a towel and whip the blood on the floor.

He turns on the sink and tries to rinse the blood from his
hands.

He reaches into his coat pocket and see the empty pill
bottle. Shit, they’re all out.

He tries to compose himself and go back into the kitchen.

VINCENT
(To Himself)
Just chill. It's Tom and Lauren.
That's it. They are your friends.
68.


INT. TOM AND LAUREN'S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Vincent rushes back to the dinner table to see Tom standing
up and putting on his detective jacket.

He's in a rush as he prepares to head out of the door.

VINCENT
Leaving so soon?

TOM
Yeah, sorry I gotta head out, got a
lead downtown. Sounds like a body
or something, but I hate to leave
you like this.

Vincent is sweating and panting hard. Stacy looks at Vincent
with concern.

Vincent is about to say something, but Stacy cuts him off .

STACY
We'll still do dessert, but it's
was good seeing you again Tom.

Tom daps him up.

TOM
Gotta head out, but stick around, I
know Lauren has some good dessert
waiting.
(BEAT)
I'll see y'all, we gotta run this
back again bro.

He kisses Lauren and leaves.


EXT. THE MORGUE PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Officer Miller’s police car is parked at the front of the
Morgue. It's late at night so, he obviously isn't in the best
mood. He sits on the hood, smoking a cigarette, as Tom walks
up.

TOM
Officer Miller.

He throws the cigarette out and faces Tom.

OFFICER MILLER
You know, my wife thinks we are
having an affair.
69.


TOM
I wouldn't call it that.

OFFICER MILLER
Body’s inside, c'mon. Lets just get
this over with, it's already late.


INT. THE MORGUE - NIGHT

Flickering lights, sickly green hue, and buzzing sounds from
the florescent light bulbs. Officer Miller walks in first
getting a look at the body, still under the white sheet.

OFFICER MILLER
23 Year Old, JANE DOE, White found
down near the body shop. Owner
claims he took out the trash and
saw a car pulling away before he
opens the trash and discovers this.

Tom pulls back the white sheet to reveal the Jane Doe.

TOM
Where is the coroner? Why is the
body just here on the table like
this?

OFFICER MILLER
It IS the Holiday's you know.
Clearly they are backed up, so it's
just us here I guess.

TOM
Happy Holidays.

Officer Miller looks at the girls lifeless body as Tom
examines her. His fingers run across her neck, revealing a
stab wound.

Tom takes a picture with his iPhone.

OFFICER MILLER
I can't get an ID until Monday, but
I'm hoping that we get a match to
one of our missing people.
(BEAT)
If not, we just move on.

Tom looks annoyed at his partners aloofness about the
situation.
70.


TOM
So, I guess that just means problem
solved right?

OFFICER MILLER
No, but we do get to go back home.
I don't think this is 1 of the 4
this week anyway, so we're running
the name to see if we get any other
missing persons hits.

TOM
You know, I think we are in over
our heads here Miller.

OFFICER MILLER
It would seem like it. 19 missing
person reports, 240 Jane Doe's, 3
bodies found this weekend alone.
None of which match the missing
persons reports we are HIRED to
find.

Officer Miller takes a sip of coffee.

OFFICER MILLER (CONT’D)
I told Sargent V we should have
called this case in a long time
ago. We are wasting so many
resources on this and you and me
both know this is way bigger than
what we are admitting.

TOM
We are so close-

OFFICER MILLER
Look, I have a family. If these
people can't be found then let's
leave it to the FBI and they will
handle it. You can't keep running
to the scene of the crime every
time we find a Jane Doe around
here.
(BEAT)
There's hundreds of them everyday.

TOM
Mike this is my first investigation
down here in Atlanta, you know
that. I gotta stick it in there.

OFFICER MILLER
Yeah, but for how long?
71.


TOM
I don't know. Just a few more
weeks.
(BEAT)
Look why don't I stay here and wait
until we can run some ID manually
like in the old days. If it's a
match you'll be the first one I
call. If not we'll head back to the
drawing board. And no more pop up
calls.

OFFICER MILLER
Yeah, I guess. But Tom, I gotta
admit. I was just like you when I
came onto the force. Young,
excited, and a little crazy .
(BEAT)
Don't let this place run you crazy.
I promise it's not worth it and as
you can see, it's not many of "us"
here.

TOM
I'm good I promise. I just want to
pull my weight around here-

OFFICER MILLER
Look, this place will eat you up
and spit you out if you let it.

TOM
I understand.

OFFICER MILLER
Alright, trust me, if something is
there we'll find it.

Officer Miller shakes his head and heads back out to the
patrol car.

He leaves Tom behind with the body.
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary Vincent struggles to conceal his panic and blood after taking pills. Tom, concerned, tries to investigate a body at the morgue despite Officer Miller's warnings. Vincent's anxiety clashes with Tom's determination, leaving a sense of urgency and foreboding.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and intense, with a strong sense of foreboding and suspense. It effectively sets up a dark and mysterious tone while advancing the plot and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a mysterious murder and the internal turmoil of a character grappling with their actions is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of mystery and conflict. It keeps the audience on edge and drives the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre, focusing on the internal struggles of the characters and the philosophical conflicts they face. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene. However, more exploration of their motivations and backgrounds could enhance the overall impact.

Character Changes: 7

The main character experiences internal turmoil and a sense of unease, hinting at potential character development and growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to calm himself down and maintain composure despite the stressful situation he finds himself in. This reflects his need for control and stability in the face of chaos.

External Goal: 9

Tom's external goal is to solve the mystery of the Jane Doe case and find the killer. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his role as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present, both externally in the investigation of the murder and internally in the character's struggle with their dark impulses.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with a gruesome murder investigation, a character's dark secret, and the potential unraveling of a complex web of mysteries.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new murder investigation, deepening the mystery, and setting up future conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the conflicting motivations of the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the case will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of justice and the lengths one is willing to go to in order to solve a crime. Tom's dedication to the case clashes with Officer Miller's more pragmatic approach, highlighting the tension between idealism and practicality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to intrigue and unease. The dark and intense atmosphere heightens the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character dynamics. It could benefit from more depth and nuance in certain exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tension, and mystery surrounding the investigation. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the case keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of actions and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a focus on building tension and suspense. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong sense of urgency and tension as Vincent rushes into the bathroom, creating a palpable atmosphere of anxiety and unease.
  • The use of blood dripping down Vincent's leg adds a chilling and visceral element to the scene, heightening the sense of dread and impending danger.
  • The transition from Vincent trying to compose himself to the dinner table with Tom leaving abruptly feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Tom at the dinner table is well-written and adds depth to their characters, but the interaction could be further developed to enhance the tension and dynamics between them.
  • The introduction of the body at the morgue adds a new layer of intrigue and mystery to the scene, but the dialogue between Tom and Officer Miller could be more nuanced to reflect the gravity of the situation and the conflicting perspectives of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and suspense in the bathroom scene by incorporating more sensory details and internal thoughts from Vincent to convey his escalating anxiety and fear.
  • Work on smoothing out the transition between the bathroom scene and the dinner table to ensure a seamless flow of events and maintain the momentum of the scene.
  • Explore deeper character interactions and conflicts at the dinner table to add layers to the relationships and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and Officer Miller at the morgue to delve into the complexities of their perspectives and motivations, adding depth to their characters and the unfolding mystery.
  • Consider incorporating more visual cues and descriptive elements to create a vivid and immersive setting in both the bathroom and morgue scenes, enhancing the atmosphere and engaging the reader.



Scene 25 -  Midnight Confidences
INT. TOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Late Night Office Cubicles, Isolated Lighting, A Sickly Green

Tom is looking on his desktop computer as he runs a manual
ID Search. The light from the terminal illuminates his face.

Tom is focused while he is typing.

The screen flashes red with the words "No Match Found".
72.


He shakes his head in defeat.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Vincent sits in his bed

He can't sleep, laying next to Stacy.

He peaks over to see if Stacy is still awake.

He slowly get's out of the bed and heads downstairs, but
Stacy isn't sleep she is also laying in the bed, with her
back turned to Vincent and her eyes wide open.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Vincent gets a glass of water from the fridge and sits down
at the table.

He get's up and look out of the window, paranoid, then back
to the kitchen table.

Stacy is standing on the stairs and knows that something is
wrong. She watches Vincent standing in the window and looking
out.

Vincent sits back down and notices Stacy standing in the
shadows.

STACY
You coming back to bed?

VINCENT
Yeah. I didn't mean to wake you up.

She is silent as she walks over to the table with Vincent.
Vincent doesn't make eye contact.

She look at his face worried. She hesitates to speak.

STACY
What was that tonight?

VINCENT
What do you mean?

STACY
Tonight, at dinner. I mean, you
were so anxious and spaced out. It
looked like you were gonna just
jump out of your own skin.
(MORE)
73.
STACY (CONT’D)
Something is clearly bothering you,
so why don't we just talk about it
like a normal couple?

VINCENT
C'mon Stacy it's late, let's just-

STACY
Let's just what?! Keep pretending
like we're just fine and everything
is alright!?
(BEAT)
Vincent, why do you keep pushing me
away? I mean did I do something to
you?

VINCENT
Pushing you away? For real?

STACY
Yes! You've been like this for
months now and I can't keep acting
like I don't feel this distance
between us. It just keeps getting
bigger and bigger and bigger and I
don't think I can keep doing this!

VINCENT
Really? So you’re tired of me
already huh.

STACY
You know that’s not what I mean.

STACY (CONT’D)
Look, I know you got a lot on your
mind, but you have to talk to me
about how you’re feeling. I feel
like I'm going crazy trying to
figure you out.

VINCENT
There's nothing to figure out okay.
Let's just go to bed and well talk
about it in the morning.

Vincent gets up and starts to makes his way upstairs. Stacy
stands her ground, stopping him.

STACY
Is there something going on?
(BEAT)
You know, is there someone else?
74.


Vincent nonchalantly tries to laugh it off.

Vincent walks away from her and heads back upstairs. Stacy
stands her ground, following behind Vincent grabbing his
harm.

VINCENT
Just drop it alright.

STACY
(passive aggressive)
Right, so you expect me to believe
you’re just out "getting
inspiration" for your stupid
fucking paintings all day right?
(BEAT)
And when did you start taking these
pills again? You didn't tell me
about that either! You don't tell
me anything anymore!

VINCENT
What, your snooping through my
trash now?!

STACY
It's not like I could ask you!
Every time we’re together I feel
like I'm by myself, like I'm just
some ghost following you around all
day.

Vincent sits back down at the table.

VINCENT
I didn't want you to worry. This is
my shit to worry about.

Stacy is quiet.

STACY
I heard you in your sleep. Last
night.

There is a long pause Vincent stops and lock in on Stacy's
concerned look.

VINCENT
So what?

STACY
Are you still having nightmares?

Vincent frowns trying to ignore her.
75.


STACY (CONT’D)
Vincent, if your having these
dreams again, we can just call Dr.
Brown and have them change the
dosage?! You might need some
different medication or something-

VINCENT
Why do you insists on figuring me
out!? There's nothing to figure
out, I told you I'm fine! Just
leave me alone and let's just move
past it!

STACY VINCENT (CONT’D)
I’m not gonna keep letting What don’t you fucking get-
you talk to me like that-

STACY (CONT’D)
I just want you to talk to me, you
owe me that at least.

VINCENT
Alright, you wanna talk, Let's
talk. I've been having nightmares
about that night. Even though I
wasn't there, I still feel like it
happened to me and every fucking
night I dream about him.
(BEAT)
I haven't been talking about it
because, every time I do, It just
keeps bringing me back to that
moment!
(BEAT)
Before Monte and I were separated,
I used to always protect him. We
always said we would stick together
no matter what.
(BEAT)
I wasn't there for him when he
needed me. I could have went to the
house first or at least rode with
him in the car, something-

STACY
It wasn't your fault.

VINCENT
My mind keeps saying it was. I
thought the pills would help
regulate some of that, but it
didn't. They aren't working any
more and I just -
(MORE)
76.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
I feel like I'm losing myself.

Vincent is broken down in tears sitting next to Stacy on the
at the table.

She hold his head tenderly against her chest. There is a long
pauses as the two embrace.

STACY
Okay. Okay well, let's work on this
together okay. I know it's tough
and it's tough on me too to see you
like this, but baby you have to let
me know how your feeling. You can’t
keep pushing me out.

VINCENT
What's wrong with me ?

STACY
You just human baby. Monte loved
you and you were there for him when
no one else was. I miss him to
baby, but There is nothing you
could do. I know it hurts, but you
gotta find a way to move on.
(BEAT)
We're gonna get through this
together.
(BEAT)
I don't want you to keep pushing me
away, I want to be IN this with you
okay?
(BEAT)
Whatever it takes.

VINCENT
I love you.

STACY
I love you too. We're gonna get
through this together.

The two kiss and she wipes Vincent's tears.

As Stacy holds his head, she can't help but give a tired
looks off camera.

Vincent hugs her not noticing her giving up on there
relationships.
77.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Late at night, Vincent struggles with guilt-ridden nightmares about Monte's death. Stacy, worried about his distant behavior, confronts him. Vincent confides in her, revealing his feelings of responsibility and fear. Stacy comforts Vincent, promising to work through this together.
Strengths
  • Raw and emotional dialogue
  • Deep exploration of characters' inner turmoil
  • Realistic portrayal of strained relationship
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action or movement

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with intense dialogue and a deep exploration of the characters' inner turmoil. It effectively conveys the strained relationship between Vincent and Stacy, as well as Vincent's internal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Vincent's emotional turmoil and guilt over past events, as well as the strained relationship with Stacy, is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through the emotional conflict between Vincent and Stacy, revealing important character dynamics and setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its exploration of complex emotional themes, authentic character interactions, and realistic portrayal of relationship dynamics. The dialogue feels genuine and raw, adding depth and complexity to the characters' struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Vincent and Stacy are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed through their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent experiences a significant emotional breakthrough, opening up to Stacy about his inner turmoil and guilt, showing vulnerability and a willingness to confront his past.

Internal Goal: 9

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to confront his inner demons and open up about his struggles and fears. He is grappling with feelings of guilt, loss, and emotional turmoil, and his goal reflects his need for emotional connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and avoid confronting the issues in his relationship with Stacy. He is trying to downplay his emotions and push her away to protect himself from vulnerability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Vincent and Stacy is emotional and internal, adding depth to the scene and driving the character development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent and Stacy at odds over their emotional connection and communication. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the strained relationship between Vincent and Stacy, as well as Vincent's internal struggles and emotional turmoil.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the emotional conflict between Vincent and Stacy, setting the stage for further character development and plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and intense character dynamics. The audience is kept on edge as the characters confront their inner demons and struggle to connect with each other.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of communication, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. Vincent and Stacy are at odds over their ability to connect and understand each other's emotional needs, highlighting the importance of honesty and openness in a relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is raw, emotional, and realistic, effectively conveying the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, raw dialogue, and authentic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in their emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' struggles and conflicts to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and character interactions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leading to a lack of focus and cohesion in the storytelling.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their emotions.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and drawn out, with unnecessary details and repetitive exchanges between the characters.
  • There is a lack of visual storytelling and descriptive elements to create a vivid and engaging scene for the audience.
  • The conflict between Vincent and Stacy is not fully explored or resolved, leaving the emotional arc of the scene feeling incomplete.
  • The transition between locations and characters is abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • The emotional depth and complexity of Vincent's trauma and Stacy's concerns are not fully realized, resulting in a superficial exploration of their relationship dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the dialogue to make it more natural and impactful, cutting out unnecessary exchanges and repetitive moments.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more descriptive elements to set the mood and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Develop the emotional arc of the scene by delving deeper into Vincent's trauma and Stacy's concerns, allowing for a more authentic and compelling exploration of their relationship.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the pacing and flow, ensuring a clear direction and purpose for each character's actions and interactions.
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience better understand the motivations and conflicts driving the characters in the scene.



Scene 26 -  Confrontation in the Shadows
INT. ART GALLERY - NIGHT

Dark night, Glowing Computer Screen, Still Raining

Darla is sitting on her desk smoking a cigarette looking at a
laptop as she bites her nails and listens to the acquittal
story on the news.

Smoke rises in front of her.

REPORTER
Last week Officer Sarah Smith as
been acquitted of all charges. This
is an unprecedented turn for this
case.
(BEAT)
This acquittal comes just weeks
after protests broke out in front
of the court house.

While she is deep in the video, she slams the computer
closed.

Fear, stress, and frustration flush over her paranoid face.

She pulls the cigarette one more time as headlights flash
against the inside of the glass.

CUT BACK TO SHERRY AND DARLA CONVERSATION, Joe and Darla at
the Office VIGNETTES


EXT. ART GALLERY (PARKING LOT) - NIGHT

She walks outside of the gallery to a dark parking lot to
sees the mysterious black car parked at the end of the deck.

The car cuts it's headlights on and the car starts making
it's way towards her.

She waits outside as the car pulls up. She looks on with
suspicion at first then the man hold his hand out of the
window.

She walks over and get's into the backseat.


INT. MYSTERY MAN'S CAR - NIGHT

A well dressed mystery man in a suit is sitting in the
shadows of the driver seat, just out of view of Darla.

The dark shadows are hiding his face.
78.


Darla looks increasingly stressed, anticipating for him to
start talking.

DARLA
So, is it all done? All of it?

MYSTERY MAN
Nice to see you too-

DARLA
Don't fuck with me okay! This has
gotten way, way out of hand! I gave
you the money, you got her off, and
now we should be done with this
whole thing right?

MYSTERY MAN
That's the hope, but nothing can
really be guaranteed, I told you
that already.
(BEAT)
Obstruction of a police
investigation, conspiracy, MURDER!

DARLA
Please! you knew what this was
before I even called those two-

MYSTERY MAN
And now someone is dead. An
innocent boy is dead. YOUR CLIENT’S
BROTHER IS DEAD!!
(BEAT)
That wasn't apart of the press
plan!

There is a long pause for this revelation.

MYSTERY MAN (CONT’D)
I mean, a rookie cop. What were you
thinking Darla?

DARLA
He needed something that was gonna
get is career off the ground! Get
US off the ground.

MYSTERY MAN
Give me a break.
79.


DARLA
You don't know the kinds of things
that I have had to do, things I've
had to tolerate to get where I am
today!
(BEAT)
I was thinking that this would work
just like everyone else.
(BEAT)
A DUI, Car Accident, overdose,
something!

There is a long pause between him and Darla.

DARLA (CONT’D)
You know, every other artist in
this business gets a life changing
event that takes him to the top,
why couldn't we have a moment too?
(BEAT)
I didn't think they would kill him.
I just needed something that would
stir up Vincent's life, I didn't
know, so you can't blame me for
doing what EVERYONE else does.
CREATE the MOMENT.

MYSTERY MAN
You’re sick.

The man stops and frowns at her prideful and arrogant rant.

We could only really see his teeth and the light from the
streetlights shining into the car.

He leans towards the front glass and we see it's FRANKLIN,
the city attorney.

FRANKLIN
I suggest you lay low Darla. This
place isn't safe for you anymore,
and I'm not gonna loose my license
over this.
(BEAT)
Sooner or later this is all gonna
come back to bite us in the ass-
(BEAT)
And bite YOU in the ass. You wanted
a big artist spectacle on the night
of the opening, you made one, and
now we have to deal with it.

Darla dismissively ignores his cautious tone.
80.


DARLA
Is the case handled?

FRANKLIN
For now. The city will likely want
to move on after the acquittal, but
the right winged media channels are
gonna have a field day running this
story.

She breathes in deeply.

DARLA
Good. Trust that I WILL keep my
commitment to silence and I hope
you do the same.

FRANKLIN
Silence isn't always the answer to
chaos Darla!
(BEAT)
Sometimes Chaos is born out of the
silence.

The man is quiet for a while.

FRANKLIN (CONT’D)
Darla let me ask you something. The
case is almost sealed, but I did
hear the phone call from that
night.
(BEAT)
Did you tell the police that night
that Monte had a gun??

Darla leaves the folder of money on the dashboard, cutting
him off.

He takes it out to count while Darla continues.

DARLA
You take care.

FRANKLIN
You can't hide this from him
forever. He'll find out -

DARLA
Your hands aren't clean in this
either Frank, might I remind you of
that fact Mr. Prosecutor.
81.


FRANKLIN
It turned into a murder, Darla.
They went to that house because of
you! You’re the reason that young
boy is dead and you’re too selfish
to even see it after all this
time?!
(BEAT)
I hope it was all worth it.

She gives him an indignant glare.

DARLA
Well sometimes we have to go to
dark place to see the light. Is
there anything else I can do for
you Mr. Franklin?

She holds her stone cold and careless stare.

FRANKLIN
God have mercy on you.

Darla opens the car door and walks back outside.

Franklin drives off, leaving Darla in the parking lot
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Darla, haunted by her involvement in the acquittal of Officer Smith, confronts Franklin about their culpability in a teenager's death. Franklin warns of danger, but Darla defiantly brushes off his concerns, leading Franklin to depart, leaving Darla alone and vulnerable.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Exploration of moral dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a morally complex situation, keeping the audience engaged with its dark and suspenseful tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a shady deal gone wrong and the aftermath of a murder adds depth to the storyline, introducing moral dilemmas and consequences for the characters' actions.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the revelation of the consequences of the characters' actions, setting up further conflicts and dilemmas for the story to unfold.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of moral ambiguity and consequences, with characters who are deeply flawed and morally conflicted. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are portrayed with depth and complexity, showcasing their conflicting motivations and moral struggles. Their interactions drive the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo internal turmoil and moral dilemmas, leading to potential changes in their motivations and actions as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Darla's internal goal in this scene is to confront the consequences of her actions and decisions, as well as to justify her choices to herself and others. She is grappling with guilt, fear, and the realization of the harm caused by her actions.

External Goal: 7

Darla's external goal is to handle the fallout of a criminal case she was involved in, including dealing with the mysterious man and the city attorney. She is trying to navigate the consequences of her actions and maintain control over the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and drama as the characters navigate the aftermath of their actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and goals between the characters. Darla faces challenges and obstacles that test her morality and decision-making, adding depth to the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of murder, manipulation, and moral dilemmas heighten the tension and drama of the scene, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' dark dealings.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the consequences of the characters' actions and setting up further conflicts and dilemmas for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations in the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will escalate or resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the consequences of one's actions, the morality of manipulation and deceit, and the idea of sacrificing others for personal gain. Darla's beliefs and values are challenged as she confronts the reality of her choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, stress, guilt, and paranoia, creating an emotional impact on the audience as they witness the characters' moral struggles and dark dealings.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, confrontational, and revealing, adding layers to the characters and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and morally complex characters. The audience is drawn into the conflict and tension, eager to see how the characters' choices will unfold.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and conflict leading to a dramatic confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a dramatic climax. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall purpose and direction. It jumps between different locations and conversations without a clear through-line.
  • The dialogue between Darla and the mystery man feels forced and melodramatic, lacking subtlety and nuance in their interactions.
  • The tension and conflict between Darla and the mystery man could be more effectively conveyed through subtle cues and gestures rather than overt dialogue.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and mood, such as the dark parking lot and the mysterious black car.
  • The emotional depth of the characters, especially Darla, could be further explored to make their motivations and actions more compelling and relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene to focus on one central conflict or interaction to avoid confusion and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic, allowing the emotions and tensions to come through organically.
  • Explore ways to convey the characters' emotions and intentions through actions and visuals rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Enhance the setting descriptions to create a more immersive and atmospheric experience for the audience.
  • Dig deeper into the characters' internal struggles and motivations to add depth and complexity to their interactions.



Scene 27 -  Darla's Frustration
INT. DARLA'S ART GALLERY - NIGHT

Darla walks back into the Gallery. Her tall heels click
across the floor as she looks at her newest pieces.

They are hanging along the dimly lit white wall under a track
light as we are close on her face with an empty yet
frustrated expression.

She is tensely locked on the pieces in a tremble.

A tear rolls down her face

She quickly wipes her face as another tear drops.

She shuts off the studio lights and walks off the screen.

We close on the piece sitting in the showroom floor, but the
eye balls of the painting are the only thing glowing in the
night.

FADE TO BLACK.
82.


BLACK TITLE CARD - SUPER : CHAPTER 3


SUPER: "NO MAN CHOOSES EVIL BECAUSE IT IS EVIL; HE ONLY
MISTAKES IT FOR HAPPINESS, THE GOOD HE SEEKS. — MARY
WOLLSTONECRAFT."


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (FOYER / STAIRWELL) - DAY

Cleaning Montage. Jazz Music. American Psycho Style

Vincent wakes up, we are overhead with him opening his eyes
in the covers.

He springs up and looks out of the window through the blinds.

TEXT BUBBLES

He checks his phone and see's one missed text from "Stepmom".
He open's it and it's a picture of her and Vincent Dad. It
read "Miss You"

He brushes his teeth and hair.

He opens the cabinet mirror and takes his pills sitting on
the shelf.

He washes his face and looks at his reflection slowly
changing in the mirror.

He is still listening to music, whistling away.

Vincent walks around with a trash bag and cleaning supplies
as he starts to sanitize his kitchen clean.

Quick cut to dismembered arms, legs, and fingers being put in
a big bag.

He wipes off the door nob (covered in blood), the island, and
ends of the table where another one of his victims finger
prints are left on the table.

He burns the bag in a fire and shovels the ashes into the
bucket of paint.

Vincent walks back into the dirty bathroom and starts to
sanitize and shower and throw bloody bath towels in a huge
black bag.

He is running the sweeper in his home office. He is polishing
the wooden table and puts out two water bottle.

CUT TO:
83.
Genres: ["Thriller","Psychological Horror"]

Summary Darla inspects her latest artworks in her gallery. Dismayed, a solitary tear escapes her as she swiftly wipes it away. With a sigh, she switches off the studio lights and exits the frame, leaving behind a canvas whose glowing eyeballs seem to mock her artistic struggles in the darkness.
Strengths
  • Effective use of visuals and music to create atmosphere
  • Compelling exploration of Vincent's character and inner turmoil
  • Heightened sense of tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development
  • Some actions may be too disturbing for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a dark and intense atmosphere, with a strong focus on Vincent's disturbing actions and psychological state. The use of music, visuals, and actions all contribute to a sense of unease and suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a cleaning montage after a series of gruesome events is unique and adds depth to the character of Vincent. The scene effectively explores his inner turmoil and psychological state through his actions and interactions.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Vincent deals with the aftermath of his actions, setting the stage for further developments in the story. The scene also hints at Vincent's psychological state and the potential consequences of his actions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of artistic struggle and personal fulfillment, with a focus on visual and sensory details. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene focuses primarily on Vincent and his inner struggles, providing insight into his character and motivations. The interactions with other characters are minimal but impactful in showcasing Vincent's state of mind.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent undergoes a subtle but significant change in the scene, as he grapples with the consequences of his actions and his own psychological state. The audience gains insight into his character and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Darla's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her emotions and feelings of frustration. The tears rolling down her face and her tense expression reflect her deeper needs for validation and success in her art.

External Goal: 7

Darla's external goal in this scene is to shut off the studio lights and leave the gallery. This reflects her immediate circumstances of feeling overwhelmed and defeated by her own artwork.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Vincent grapples with the aftermath of his actions and his own psychological state. The tension and unease are palpable, adding to the overall suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Darla facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to her character. The audience is left unsure of how she will overcome her struggles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Vincent deals with the aftermath of his gruesome actions and grapples with his own psychological state. The tension and unease create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting the stage for future developments and exploring Vincent's character in more depth. It hints at the potential consequences of his actions and the psychological toll they take.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional intensity and the eerie atmosphere of the art gallery. The glowing eyes of the painting add a sense of mystery.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of artistic success and personal fulfillment. Darla's struggle with her emotions and the glowing eyes of the painting suggest a deeper conflict between her desire for recognition and her inner turmoil.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as they witness Vincent's disturbing actions and inner turmoil. The sense of unease and suspense heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and unease present in the situation. It adds to the overall atmosphere and helps to build the character of Vincent.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and the protagonist's internal struggle. The use of visual and sensory details draws the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the mood and setting, with attention to visual details and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and emotional resolution. The formatting enhances the atmosphere of the art gallery setting.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the emotional journey Darla is going through. While it's clear she is frustrated and tense, the reason behind her emotions is not fully explored or explained.
  • The transition from Darla walking back into the gallery to the tear rolling down her face feels abrupt and could benefit from more context or build-up.
  • The visual of the eye balls of the painting glowing in the night is intriguing but could be more effectively tied to Darla's emotional state or the overall theme of the screenplay.
  • The cleaning montage in Vincent's mansion, while stylistically reminiscent of 'American Psycho', feels disconnected from Darla's emotional moment and lacks a clear narrative purpose in the context of the overall story.
  • The scene could benefit from more depth in exploring Darla's internal conflict and the impact of her actions on her emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context or build-up to Darla's emotional state to make her character arc more engaging and relatable.
  • Consider tying the visual of the glowing eye balls in the painting to a deeper thematic element or emotional resonance in Darla's story.
  • Reevaluate the placement of the cleaning montage in Vincent's mansion to ensure it aligns with the emotional beats of the screenplay and contributes meaningfully to the narrative.
  • Explore Darla's internal conflict and the consequences of her actions in more depth to add complexity to her character and enhance the overall story.
  • Consider revisiting the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smoother transition between Darla's emotional moment and Vincent's cleaning montage.



Scene 28 -  Vincent's Elusive Interview
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (OFFICE)- NIGHT

A reporter MASON "Hipster bro Type" (Early 30s/ white /
slightly overweight) is sitting across from Vincent at a
office table.

MASON
Does the pressure of being a Black
artists ever make you feel like you
need to make more political
statements with your work?

VINCENT
No.

MASON
What are your thoughts on "cultural
appropriation"?

VINCENT
What are YOUR thoughts?

MASON
Well it is YOUR interview.

VINCENT
I haven't really considered it. I
don't consider myself a "Black
Artists".
(BEAT)
I just create art.

MASON
I see, All Art Matters huh, okay.

Vincent takes a sip of his drink, evading the question.

MASON (CONT’D)
Do you ever have trouble drawing on
inspiration for your work since
your hiatus?

VINCENT
Not really.


He takes a sip, staring over the brim at the reporter with a
sly smile.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
I've been in a few slumps here and
there, every artists has -
84.


MASON
And the murder of your brother, how
have you been dealing with that
since it's been almost a year ago
now?

VINCENT
What do you mean?

MASON
Well some would say that your work
has "changed" recently?

VINCENT
In a good way or a bad way?

Vincent sarcastically smiles at the reporter, but the
reporter is growing increasingly anxious from Vincent's
aloofness.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Well what do the critics have to
say about me now? I'm sure you
follow them closely.
(BEAT)
Some of them are your friends
right?

MASON
Well, I'M not a critic, but I'll
read you what some critics are
saying said about the newer pieces.

He scrolls on his computer.

MASON (CONT’D)
Umm here, "His work seems
distracted. Empty, soulless, and
overcompensatory. Where Mr. Raphael
used to make statement with his
work, now his work barely murmurs a
word, much less a sentence. He's
suffering under the weight of his
own grief and reacting in a sad
desperation."

VINCENT
Well he's certainly entitled to his
own opinion. Thank god we don't
make monuments of everyone with an
opinion to offer.
85.


MASON
Here's another one "Vincent is
washed. His pretentiousness has
caught up to him and his ideas have
run stale. This show might be over
for the artists and good thing
too."

Vincent shrugs his shoulders, acting like he doesn't care.

MASON (CONT’D)
So, what do you have to say about
all this I mean the press has been
brutal -

Mason looks up at Vincent, like he is looking for a bad
reaction from him.

Vincent just smiles and stops the recorder sitting on the
wooden table.

VINCENT
Hey Mason, why don't we take a
break here huh?

MASON
Is there something wrong?

VINCENT
Well, I wasn't really thinking this
would be a gossipy peace-

REPORTER
Oh no no, that's not my intention,
but you gotta admit -

VINCENT
Admit What?

MASON
Well things are different for you
now and people are taking notice. I
want to be the good guy here and
give you a platform to combat all
of this, so i'm just trying to
stimulate some conversation.

VINCENT
Well that's fair. I just don't want
to make this whole thing too
political.

MASON
Well what do YOU want to do?
86.


Vincent leans back in the chair and pretends to think about
what he is saying.

VINCENT
How about I give you an exclusive?

MASON
An exclusive? Now that sounds
interesting.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense interview at his mansion, renowned artist Vincent parries questions from reporter Mason about cultural appropriation and the impact of his brother's murder on his work. Despite Mason's persistence, Vincent evades answers, offering instead an exclusive interview.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and intense, with strong dialogue and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the interview delves into Vincent's struggles with grief, identity, and artistic criticism.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through the interview, revealing Vincent's inner turmoil and the external pressures he faces.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the challenges faced by artists, particularly in relation to race and public scrutiny. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the tension of a high-stakes interview.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Vincent and the reporter are well-developed and their interactions are compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent's character is further revealed through his interactions in the interview.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal is to maintain control over the conversation and protect his artistic integrity. This reflects his need for autonomy and authenticity in his work.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to navigate the interview without revealing too much personal information or getting caught up in political discussions. This reflects his desire to protect his public image and artistic reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict between Vincent and the reporter, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent and Mason engaging in a battle of wits and conflicting ideologies.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Vincent- his reputation, identity, and artistic career are on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Vincent's struggles and the external pressures he faces.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the interview format, but the unexpected twists in the dialogue keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the pressure to make political statements as a Black artist and the idea of cultural appropriation. Vincent's belief in creating art for art's sake clashes with the reporter's focus on societal issues and political statements.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, anxiety, and defiance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, sarcastic, and reveals the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic dialogue, subtle tension, and the exploration of complex themes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character dynamics through dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, effectively conveying the dialogue and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional interview format but subverts expectations by delving into deeper themes of art and identity.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction and purpose, with the conversation between Vincent and Mason feeling disjointed and lacking depth.
  • Vincent's responses come off as evasive and unengaging, making it difficult for the audience to connect with his character or understand his motivations.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Mason feels forced and unnatural, with Mason's questions coming across as superficial and lacking depth.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore Vincent's internal struggles and emotions in a more meaningful way, as the conversation focuses more on surface-level topics.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of intrigue, leaving the audience feeling disconnected from the characters and the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to focus on Vincent's internal conflict and emotional journey in dealing with his brother's murder, rather than surface-level topics.
  • Develop more meaningful and engaging dialogue between Vincent and Mason that delves deeper into Vincent's character and motivations.
  • Create a clear arc for the scene that builds tension and intrigue, drawing the audience in and keeping them engaged with the story.
  • Explore ways to make Vincent's responses more authentic and relatable, allowing the audience to connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding subtext and layers to the conversation between Vincent and Mason, allowing for more nuance and complexity in their interaction.



Scene 29 -  Vincent's Alluring Trap
INT. VINCENT'S ART STUDIO - NIGHT

Vincent walks into the studio with a sinister smile on this
face and as the reporter walks ahead of him.

The reporter is looking at all of the different pieces on the
wall that Vincent has finished, but not sold.

MASON
They are amazing.

VINCENT
Never before seen until today.

REPORTER
It's a honor. Why hasn't the world
seen these?

VINCENT
They will soon enough.

Vincent flashes a more sinister and insincere smile. Mason is
enchanted by the paintings.

He walks around the room and touches the paintings on the
wall.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Mason, I really consider you a
friend you know that. We've had our
differences, but I've grown a real
appreciation for your artistic eye
and your keen insight.
(BEAT)
I mean you've been following me
since the beginning.

Vincent grabs his shoulder and stares in his eyes.

MASON
Thanks, that means a lot.
87.


VINCENT
You wanted to be an artist at one
point right? I remember you telling
me that you used to paint as a
child, no?

MASON
Well, I just went to school for
communications and never picked up
a brush again. This isn't a bad gig
though.

VINCENT
Right.

Vincent smiles and goes over to a desk, leaving the reporter
behind with his drink.

We are close on the drink as we see tiny bubbles dancing up
the side of the glass of champaign.

The glass sits on the table, behind the two.

He returns and we see Vincent handing the reporter a dried
paint brush.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Would you like to give painting
another shot?

The reporter laughs at Vincent's charm.

Slowly, Mason breaks a smile, smitten by Vincent's
generosity.

MASON
I can't-

VINCENT
It's never too late to re-invent
yourself.
(BEAT)
You just need a little imagination.

He smiles a kiddish smile and takes the brush.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
I'll be right back, you go ahead
and get started, paint what comes
to you feel.
(BEAT)
Here is one of my favorite songs to
paint to. I know it’s kind a corny,
but fitting.
88.


He cuts some music, Just My Imagination - The Temptations.
Genres: ["Thriller","Psychological Drama"]

Summary In Vincent's art studio, Vincent offers Mason, a reporter, a chance to paint, playing "Just My Imagination" as he leaves Mason to paint, promising to return.
Strengths
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution or immediate action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue through Vincent's behavior and the setting, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Vincent inviting the reporter to paint in his studio while maintaining a sense of mystery and manipulation is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Vincent lures the reporter into his world, hinting at darker intentions beneath the surface.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the artist-reporter dynamic, blending elements of mystery and manipulation with themes of reinvention and artistic integrity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Vincent's complex and enigmatic personality shines through, while the reporter's curiosity and vulnerability add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential shifts in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to manipulate and charm the reporter, Mason, into potentially becoming his accomplice or admirer. This reflects Vincent's desire for control and validation.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to showcase his artwork to the world and gain recognition for his talent. This reflects his ambition and desire for fame and success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying tension and conflict between Vincent's true intentions and the reporter's naivety.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the characters' true intentions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the tension and manipulation present in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery surrounding Vincent and his motives.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Vincent and Mason, as well as the hidden motives and agendas that drive the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of manipulation, reinvention, and artistic integrity. Vincent's deceptive charm challenges Mason's values and beliefs about art and self-expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity, drawing the audience into the characters' dynamics.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Vincent and the reporter is engaging and reveals subtle power dynamics and manipulation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and underlying motives that keep the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for moments of suspense and character development to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy interaction in a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful interaction between characters, with a clear progression of tension and manipulation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension or conflict, which is essential for engaging the audience and driving the story forward.
  • Vincent's behavior and dialogue come across as overly manipulative and insincere, making it difficult for the audience to connect with his character.
  • The interaction between Vincent and Mason feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The transition from Vincent's sinister smile to offering Mason a chance to paint feels abrupt and disjointed, missing a smooth flow of events.
  • The dialogue exchange between Vincent and Mason could benefit from more subtlety and nuance to create a more intriguing dynamic between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension in the scene to add depth and intrigue.
  • Develop Vincent's character in a way that makes his actions and dialogue more genuine and relatable.
  • Focus on creating a more natural and engaging interaction between Vincent and Mason by adding layers to their conversation.
  • Smooth out the transition between Vincent's sinister demeanor and his sudden offer to Mason, ensuring a more coherent progression of events.
  • Refine the dialogue between Vincent and Mason to make it more nuanced and captivating for the audience.



Scene 30 -  Deadly Encounter
INT. VINCENT'S HOUSE (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

Vincent walks into the bathroom and looks at himself in the
mirror and starts to laugh a psychotic laugh.

He tries to wipe the joy from his face. He reaches down under
the cabinet and takes out a cleaver, covered in blood.

He holds it up to his face to get a closer look at the
cleaver.

He rinses it off under the sink and the water turns blood red
from the dry blood.

He puts on white painters over-alls over his clothes.

He wipes the cleaver off in the sink so that it is shiny.

VINCENT
You know, I've always been a fan of
The Metropolitan. You guys are
really, raising the bar for the art
world. No matter what they say
about print.
(BEAT)
You know, you didn't always have so
many friendly things to say about
me or my family.
(BEAT)
You did the article on Monte and I
just felt that we would never be
able to talk like two men.

He looks into empty pill bottle and throws it away. He bends
down under the cabinet and grabs the cleaver, holding it
behind his back.


INT. VINCENT'S ART STUDIO - NIGHT

Vincent walks up behind the reporter, looking at the work the
reporter is doing.

VINCENT
Wow, now that's the mark of an
artists.

MASON
Really?
89.


VINCENT
Sure. I mean, nothing that I could
have ever thought of.
(BEAT)
I've never been too much of a
critic myself. I find it too,
restrictive, but this!
(BEAT)
This feels like YOU!

MASON
Thanks!

VINCENT
You have some real talent, why
don't you have an agent?

MASON
Oh please.

A beat.

MASON (CONT'D) (CONT’D)
Oh I didn't realize it was so late,
we should get back to the interview
if you want to have this published
before the Winter Show.

VINCENT
True, well one last drink? I really
appreciate you doing my "comeback
story". I don't know where I would
be without you.

MASON
Ahh don't mention it

Vincent goes over to the table and drips two drops of a horse
tranquilizer into the cup. He drops two more drops.

Vincent smiles and hands the man the drink.

MASON (CONT’D)
Cheers!

The reporter takes the drink and immediately start to feel
the effects of the drips.

Vincent gives an evil smirks as his lips doesn't leave the
glass.

The reporter tries to shake off the immediate effects of the
drips blurring the room and slowing things down.
90.


Vincent stands up and zips up his white painter coat.

He leans down and grabs the reporters face as his head starts
to spin and he can't focus on Vincent.

VINCENT
Oh no, looks like you aren't
feeling too well buddy.
(BEAT)
You’re a parasite you know that
Mason?

MASON
I don't feel so, good.

He gets off the couch and starts to wobbles towards the door,
but he stumbles down, unable to get his feet up under him.

VINCENT
I'm sure you don't you fat fuck.
(BEAT)
Horse tranquilizers. And you have
enough to take out three.

Vincent breaks out in psychotic laughter.

He laughs at the man struggling on the ground as he crawls
towards the door.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
You won't even feel a thing.
(BEAT)
You know, your nothing but a blood
sucking parasite.
(BEAT)
You must have forgot about your
little exposé when my brother was
kill. But I didn't forget.

MASON
I was just trying to tell his story
that's all!
(BEAT)
What did you do to me?!

He pulls out a magazine from his couch as he swings the
cleaver over his shoulder.

He puts on reading glasses.

VINCENT
"Monte was a product of his
troubled home life.
(MORE)
91.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
With a drug addicted mother,
violent past, and rocky future: his
brother Vincent seemed to come into
his life at a time that would
curtail his downward spiral into a
jail cell or grave, the later being
the end result."

MASON
I shouldn't have ran that story.
Just let me go please! I'm sorry, i
was just doing my job-

VINCENT
"This dysfunctional family tree was
doomed from the start and now,
Monte Raphael is truly a martyr for
the movement against police
violence and a clear example of how
second chances do exists."

MASON
I -

VINCENT
"Vincent has been frozen in a
depressive pit since that night and
this artist might not be able to
climb his way out of his sorrow.
Vincent’s shiny career died with
his brother and we must learn to
embrace the fall of the artists
just as much as the meteoric rise
to fame."

The reporter tries to stand and walk towards the door, but
the drugs are making it really hard as he pushes over
everything on the table.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Aht aht!
(BEAT)
Who gave you that story, c’mon you
can share?

MASON
I can't tell you, it's protected.
All of the identities of the
sources are private.

VINCENT
I bet it is. And you ran this story
a few weeks after the funeral too.
(MORE)
92.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
Timely.

Vincent stands over him as the reporter is seeing double and
fading away.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Here's your fucking story!

Vincent chops the reporter up. Blood gargles in his throat as
he kills him off screen.

We pull outside of the house where we hear gargles and scream
some inside.

The music is loud and sounds like it's been chopped and
screwed.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Crime"]

Summary In his art studio, Vincent drugs a visiting reporter, Mason, with horse tranquilizers. After confronting Mason about a damaging article, he kills him off screen, leaving listeners to only hear the sounds of the murder.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Shocking twist
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively building tension and delivering a shocking twist. The dark and intense tone keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Vincent seeking revenge on the reporter who wrote a damaging article about his brother adds depth to his character and drives the plot forward with a high level of suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and well-executed, with a clear escalation of tension leading to a dramatic and unexpected climax.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its intense and disturbing subject matter, as well as the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue. The writer takes familiar themes of revenge and betrayal and presents them in a fresh and gripping way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Vincent's character is complex and compelling, showcasing a dark and vengeful side that adds depth to the story. The reporter's fear and vulnerability are palpable, enhancing the scene's intensity.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, revealing a darker and more ruthless side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek revenge and assert dominance over the reporter who wrote a damaging article about his family. This reflects his deeper need for control and validation, as well as his fears of being exposed and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to silence the reporter and prevent him from revealing more damaging information. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his reputation and protecting his family's legacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Vincent and the reporter is intense and high-stakes, driving the scene forward with a sense of impending danger and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the reporter's attempts to escape and the protagonist's manipulation creating a sense of uncertainty and danger. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including the threat of violence and the revelation of dark secrets, heighten the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about Vincent's past and motivations, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the protagonist's actions and the reporter's reactions. The audience is kept on edge as the situation escalates towards a shocking conclusion.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in retribution and the reporter's belief in journalistic integrity. This challenges the protagonist's values of loyalty and protection, forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and shock, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating tension and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions, contributing to the scene's suspenseful atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, unpredictable twists, and chilling atmosphere. The escalating tension and dramatic reveals keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through a gradual escalation of conflict and action. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue cues, and character actions. The use of visual and auditory cues enhances the reader's experience and sets the tone for the unfolding events.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows a suspenseful and engaging format, building tension through the protagonist's actions and the reporter's escalating fear. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in delivering a shocking climax.


Critique
  • The scene takes a dark and disturbing turn with Vincent drugging and ultimately killing the reporter, showcasing his descent into madness and revenge.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and the reporter is intense and reveals Vincent's deep-seated anger and desire for vengeance.
  • The use of horse tranquilizers to incapacitate the reporter adds a chilling and sinister element to the scene.
  • Vincent's monologue about his brother's death and the reporter's role in covering the story adds layers to his character and motivations.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the reporter realizes his fate and tries to escape, only to meet a gruesome end.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the suspense and horror of the scene, such as close-up shots of Vincent's face and the reporter's struggle.
  • Explore the psychological aspects of Vincent's character further to delve into his motivations and inner turmoil.
  • Introduce more sensory elements like sound effects and lighting to create a more immersive and chilling atmosphere.
  • Consider incorporating flashbacks or memories to provide context for Vincent's actions and deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Focus on the aftermath of the killing to show the consequences of Vincent's actions and the impact on his psyche.



Scene 31 -  Blood Art
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT (COUNT.)

We cut out to other places around Vincent's mansion. Art
work, pictures of Vincent's family, and Monte cut between
each swing.

The home has gotten darker, grittier, and more emotional.

Loud music plays in the room covering his yelling.

We end on the obituary for Monte as Vincent goes into the
bathroom again and looks at himself in the mirror and takes
off his white painters overalls, not covered in blood.

Blood is on his spattered face.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (ART STUDIO) - NIGHT

Vincent drags the reporters heavy body through the house,
leaving a trail of blood behind.

He ties him by his feet and hangs his body upside down as
blood drips into a painters bucket.

We pan up to see that there are other bodies in the room that
he is in and Vincent has killed a few other people.

TIME-LAPS / INTERCUTS

Vincent drops a stirring drill into the bucket and mixes the
blood with red coloring in a powder pigment with oil.

The two elements mix in the bucket using a drill.
93.


Vincent starts painting on the canvas.

We pull away from behind Vincent to see that he is working on
another big piece that spans the length of the wall.

We are close on Vincent's eyes as he takes another puff of
his joint.

He is working on a new the paintings and with each killing,
the painting get closer and closer to being complete.

MONTAGE OF MORE KILLINGS and VINCENT PAINTING

- Vincent strangles a man in a car from behind the driver
seat with a rope.

- Slits a woman's throat with a knife at his studio.

- He drains her blood with drips in a bucket.

- Fire pit flames

- Vincent throws a man's body into his trunk with a mask over
his face.

- Spatter of blood on canvas.

- Fire pit flames

- He stabs someone in an alley a few times. Topples them over
into his backseat.

- Fire pit flames

END MONTAGE

CUT TO:


INT. DARLA'S ART GALLERY - NIGHT

Piano music, low lights

Darla stands at the white wall looking at all of the pieces
that Vincent has been able to finish.

There is a sign that reads "Broker Evening Viewing" on a
stand.

SUPER: BROKER EVENING SHOWING - November 15, 2023

Well dressed brokers in suits and dresses are in a evening
gallery event. It's a pretty fancy night.
94.


Joe walks up next to Darla. He is impressed looking up at
Vincent's new and improved painting on the wall. It's drawing
in a crowd.

JOE
I'm impressed.

DARLA
I had a feeling you were around
here.

Joe gestures at the more abstract paintings full of blood.

JOE
Seems like you got through to him.
I have to say, this is exactly what
we are looking for.
(BEAT)
Something darker, grittier. The
critics are gonna go crazy over
these pieces!

DARLA
Vincent wanted to come up with
something for the one year
anniversary, so this is what he
came up with.

JOE
Anniversary?

DARLA
Next month would have been exactly
one year since his brother's death.

JOE
I didn't realize-
(BEAT)
That must be why these are so
arresting.

DARLA
That's okay. We are hoping to make
a comeback, for Monte.

Joe considers Darla's soft pitch.

JOE
The winter show is all yours. These
pieces need to be seen and you
certainly delivered on your
promise.
(BEAT)
(MORE)
95.
JOE (CONT’D)
I do wonder though, how did you get
him "inspired" and back on track so
quickly?

Darla stops and stares into Joe's eyes.

DARLA
It's a secret.

JOE
Fair enough, So, what are we gonna
call this "comeback" installation?

DARLA
We'll come up with something before
then.
(BEAT)
He tells me that there is one last
piece left. He’s calling it his
feature piece.
(BEAT)
So I take it I will be considered
for partner now, since we have been
in a major show?

JOE
That would be correct. You deserve
it. And you'd be one of the first
women on the board as well, so you
should celebrate!

Darla can't believe it as she smiles.

Suddenly, Joe walks up behind Darla and gropes her thigh,
breaking her gleeful moment.

JOE (CONT’D)
Or WE could celebrate together?

She tenses up and moves his hand away.

DARLA
Joe please, let's just keep things
professional between us okay?

JOE
C’mon, just a little fun.

Joe creepily stares down at Darla smiling.

He hasn't given up pursuing her, but he restrains himself..
96.


JOE (CONT’D)
Well, keep up the good work anyhow,
Cheers!
(BEAT)
Remember I'll be watching.

He gives her a wink.

The two toast their glasses of champaign and Darla awkwardly
moves further away from Joe.

Joe walks away leaving Darla behind.

She gulps down the rest of her champaign.

A woman calls her over to one of the paintings as we pan away
from the gallery.

The last frame we see is the canvas paintings on the wall.



FADE TO BLACK


BLACK CHAPTER CARD : CHAPTER 4

SUPER: "Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into
you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Drama"]

Summary Vincent's mansion is shown in disarray after a series of killings, with Vincent painting using his victims' blood. Darla is impressed by his new paintings, created for the anniversary of his brother's death. Joe offers Darla a partnership, but his inappropriate behavior leaves her uneasy. The scene ends with Darla admiring Vincent's unsettling artwork.
Strengths
  • Effective use of tension and suspense
  • Compelling character development
  • Innovative concept of blood art
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content may not be suitable for all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively blending horror elements with character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using blood as a medium for art is unique and adds a disturbing layer to the narrative. The scene effectively explores the darker side of creativity and obsession.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with Vincent's disturbing artistic process and Darla's professional challenges. The tension and stakes are heightened, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its approach to blending art and violence, creating a disturbing yet compelling narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Vincent and Darla, are well-developed and face complex challenges that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent undergoes a significant change as he delves deeper into his dark artistic process, while Darla faces challenges that test her boundaries.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to channel his emotions and grief over his brother's death into his art. His desire to create something impactful and meaningful reflects his deeper need for catharsis and expression.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to impress the brokers at the evening gallery event and secure a partnership with Darla. His actions and paintings reflect his desire to make a comeback in the art world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Vincent's disturbing actions and Darla's professional challenges creating intense moments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from Vincent's internal struggles, external goals, and the philosophical conflict at play. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Vincent's disturbing actions escalate and Darla navigates a challenging situation in the art world.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with key revelations about Vincent's art and Darla's professional growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in Vincent's actions and the philosophical conflict at play. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of art and violence. Vincent's artistic process involves gruesome killings, blurring the lines between creation and destruction. This challenges traditional beliefs about the role of art in society and the morality of artistic expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and unease, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease in the scene, with subtle hints of manipulation and danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tension, suspense, and the juxtaposition of beauty and horror. The audience is drawn into Vincent's dark world and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of slow, atmospheric moments and fast-paced action sequences. The rhythm contributes to the effectiveness of the scene and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression, moving between Vincent's artistic process and the evening gallery event. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from the aftermath of the killings in Vincent's mansion to his art studio, where he is shown painting with the blood of his victims. This transition is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection between the two settings, making it feel disjointed.
  • The montage of more killings and Vincent painting is graphic and violent, which may be disturbing for some viewers. The scene focuses heavily on the gruesome acts without providing much depth or context to the killings, which can come across as gratuitous.
  • The dialogue between Darla and Joe at the art gallery feels forced and lacks subtlety. Joe's inappropriate behavior towards Darla is not adequately addressed or resolved, leaving a negative impression on their professional relationship.
  • The scene does not effectively explore the emotional impact of Vincent's actions on his victims or the consequences of his violent behavior. It focuses more on the shock value of the killings rather than delving into the psychological motivations behind them.
  • The scene lacks a clear thematic focus or narrative purpose, as it jumps between different locations and events without a cohesive thread to tie them together. This lack of coherence can make it challenging for the audience to engage with the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the aftermath of the killings and Vincent's painting in his art studio to create a more seamless flow between the scenes.
  • Tone down the graphic violence in the montage of killings and focus more on the emotional and psychological aspects of Vincent's character to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Address the inappropriate behavior of Joe towards Darla in a more meaningful way, either by resolving the conflict or exploring its implications on their professional dynamic.
  • Explore the emotional consequences of Vincent's actions on his victims and delve into the psychological motivations behind his violent behavior to add depth to his character and the narrative.
  • Establish a clearer thematic focus and narrative direction for the scene to ensure that each element contributes to the overall story arc and character development.



Scene 32 -  Haunted by Guilt
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

Dark. Focused Painter. Brown Protective paper covers the
floor.

Quick cut of the finished paintings distributed all around
the room.

Vincent sits in the middle of his art studio and many of his
paintings are 80% done.

He looks like he's been sitting in the same spot for hours
and his strokes on the canvas are slow and poignant.

Other paintings, covered in dried blood, are half way done,
and sitting in a row all around him.

Just behind him, in the distance, a dead body wrapped up in a
huge plastic sack, hangs from the ceiling and drips blood
into the painters bucket.
97.


He stops and stands up to give another look at his paintings
now almost completely done.

He walks over to another area of the basement gallery and
there is one on canvas left with no paint on it. We push in
as Vincent's eye are glazed over with an empty look.

CUT TO:


INT. SARAH AND GREG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sarah is sitting in her bedroom. Her laptop is propped up and
lighting is ready for a livestream.

She is wearing her glasses awkwardly.

Twitch Live stream. Chatbot and Emoji's going crazy in the
lower thirds .

A white talkshow host sits behind a desk in front of a black
curtain with a table and plants, similar to the Alex Jones
show.

His southern draw and preachy theatrics captivate the
hundreds of streamers commenting racists in the lower thirds
below.

HOST
You know, we’re all human. We all
make mistakes and the mainstream
media loves the good guy who makes
a mistake and that is all this
woman is.
(BEAT)
A good person who just made a
mistake.
(BEAT)
Look, this thug was in an area he
didn't belong in if you ask me,
Officer Smith did everyone a favor
to avoid the inevitable.

The host shows a picture of Monte.

HOST (CONT’D)
Officer Smith was clearly justified
in her approach, they got the call,
saw a threat, and took out who they
thought was a drug addicted
criminal we all would have done the
same thing.
(MORE)
98.
HOST (CONT’D)
Based on my investigation, Monte
came from a broken home, drug
addicted mother, and had a wrap
sheet in Oakland as long as my arm!
This woman did America a favor and
she was REWARDED for it.
(BEAT)
As a matter of fact, we have a call
from the former officer now. Sarah,
are ya there honey.

The live stream pauses and a call in voice rings over the
line.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a macabre basement studio, Vincent grapples with the bloody aftermath of his crime, haunted by a corpse dripping crimson overhead. Meanwhile, Sarah faces a callous talk show host intent on justifying the killing of Monte, igniting a clash of perspectives on race and injustice.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Intricate plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence
  • Controversial themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, delving into intense themes and showcasing the dark and sinister nature of the characters and events.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the aftermath of Vincent's killings and the racial tensions in Officer Smith's case is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, weaving together multiple storylines and building tension effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of artistry and violence, creating a fresh approach to the theme of artistic obsession and moral ambiguity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and intriguing, with their actions and motivations adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional and moral changes in the scene, particularly Vincent and Darla.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to complete his paintings, which reflects his artistic passion and dedication to his craft.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it can be inferred that he may be trying to maintain his artistic reputation or cover up his dark deeds.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with intense emotional and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Vincent's internal struggles and moral dilemmas create obstacles that challenge his artistic pursuits and ethical boundaries.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-changing decisions and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, revealing crucial information and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected juxtaposition of art and violence, keeping the audience on edge and questioning the characters' motives.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of Vincent's actions and the juxtaposition of art and violence. It challenges the audience to question the boundaries between creativity and darkness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, with its dark and intense themes leaving a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and drives the narrative forward, revealing the characters' emotions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and the suspenseful build-up to the reveal of the dead body.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension, leading to a climactic moment with the reveal of the dead body.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a dark and suspenseful thriller genre, enhancing the visual and emotional impact of the setting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the reveal of the dead body.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps abruptly from Vincent's art studio to Sarah and Greg's house without a smooth transition or connection between the two settings.
  • The dialogue in the Twitch livestream segment feels forced and overly dramatic, with the host's speech coming across as preachy and one-dimensional.
  • The visual descriptions of Vincent's art studio and the dead body hanging from the ceiling are graphic and disturbing, but the impact of these visuals is lost due to the disjointed nature of the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in this scene, with Vincent's actions and Sarah's livestream feeling disconnected and lacking in authenticity.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of suspense, which is crucial in a scene involving a dark and intense subject matter like Vincent's art and Sarah's livestream.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow between Vincent's art studio and Sarah and Greg's house, establishing a clear connection between the two storylines.
  • Revise the dialogue in the Twitch livestream segment to make it more realistic and nuanced, avoiding overly dramatic or preachy language that detracts from the authenticity of the scene.
  • Focus on enhancing the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, particularly Vincent and Sarah, by delving into their inner thoughts and motivations to create a more engaging and relatable portrayal.
  • Introduce elements of suspense and tension through subtle cues and foreshadowing to heighten the impact of the scene and keep the audience engaged in the unfolding events.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues and symbolism to enhance the thematic elements of the scene, such as using lighting, camera angles, and set design to convey the emotional intensity and psychological depth of the characters.



Scene 33 -  Sarah Speaks Out
INT. SARAH'S HOUSE (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Sarah sits on the couch of her dingy open apartment as the
Late Night show plays over the TV sitting on a few moving
boxes.

She is biting her finger nails and pacing around, waiting to
speak.

HOST
Hey, Sarah sweetie are you there ?

SARAH
Yes, I'm here.

She get's on camera.

HOST
So, tell the viewers how all of
this has affected you and your
family.

She pauses and takes a long sigh.

SARAH
People don't know how dangerous
this profession is.
Everyday I fear for my life and now
I am the one being persecuted in
the court of public opinion.
(BEAT)
(MORE)
99.
SARAH (CONT’D)
We had to pick up and move four
times now, I can't go to the
grocery store anymore, my church
has turn against me, I can't even
go jogging without someone
accosting me, accusing me of being
a murderer!
(BEAT)
I wish we never went in that house
that night. I think about that
night every night. We're just
getting back on our feet.

Her husband GREG, mid 50s, white dad with peppered beard and
sleepy disposition walks by, listening to her conversation
through a crack in the door.

She doesn't notice, preparing for her call.

HOST
See folks, this INNOCENT woman is
suffering at the hands of a radical
group of race bating thugs and
cancel culture.
(BEAT)
But you can't cancel democracy and
our legal system HAS prevailed for
Sarah and her family.
(BEAT)
What do you have to save since
you've been cleared of all of those
BOGUS charges?

SARAH
I'm just happy the truth has set me
free. And now I get to be with my
family again.
(BEAT)
That's all that matters to me right
now.

HOST
Family. This woman is a class act.

Greg shakes his head, looking through the cracked doorway and
he goes downstairs, leaving his wife alone.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sarah, whose husband fatally shot an unarmed Black man, recounts the persecution she and her family have faced. She describes having to move multiple times, being unable to go to the grocery store, and being accosted while jogging. Despite the ongoing harassment, Sarah expresses gratitude for the support of her family and believes the truth will set her free.
Strengths
  • Complex plot
  • Strong character development
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too dark or disturbing for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a gripping plot, well-developed characters, intense dialogue, and a strong emotional impact. The dark and suspenseful tone keeps the audience on edge throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the psychological unraveling of the artist Vincent through his art and actions is innovative and compelling. It adds depth to the narrative and creates a sense of unease and intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and multi-layered, with various subplots intertwining to create a complex and suspenseful story. The progression of events keeps the audience hooked and eager to see how it unfolds.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the impact of false accusations and public scrutiny on an individual's life. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the complexity of the protagonist's emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and nuanced, each with their own motivations, conflicts, and arcs. Vincent's descent into darkness, Sarah's struggle with public perception, and Darla's moral dilemma add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes a significant change in this scene, descending further into madness and darkness. Sarah grapples with the aftermath of her actions, while Darla faces a moral dilemma that challenges her beliefs.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to express her fear, frustration, and desire for normalcy amidst the chaos surrounding her. She wants to be understood and supported by her family and the public.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to clear her name and regain her reputation after being falsely accused of a crime. She wants to show the public that she is innocent and deserving of empathy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and suspense. Vincent's internal struggle, Sarah's battle with public perception, and Darla's moral dilemma create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the public perception, media scrutiny, and the protagonist's internal struggles, creating a complex and challenging situation for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing life-changing decisions, moral dilemmas, and the consequences of their actions. The tension and suspense are heightened, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the characters, their motivations, and the unfolding events. It sets the stage for further developments and intensifies the suspense.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's assumptions about the protagonist's innocence and the outcome of her public appearance.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between justice and public perception. Sarah believes in the legal system's ability to clear her name, while the media and cancel culture challenge her beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including anxiety, sorrow, tension, and fear. The characters' struggles and the dark themes resonate with the viewers, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys tension, conflict, and the complex relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity, relatable conflict, and the protagonist's compelling struggle for justice and redemption.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing the audience to connect with the protagonist's struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear transitions between dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional complexity in Sarah's portrayal of the aftermath of the shooting incident. Her dialogue feels somewhat cliched and lacks authenticity in conveying the trauma and impact on her life.
  • The interaction between Sarah and the host on the late-night show feels forced and lacks nuance. The dialogue comes across as overly dramatic and melodramatic, failing to capture the complexity of the situation.
  • The character of Greg, Sarah's husband, is underutilized in the scene. His presence in the background listening to Sarah's conversation could have been explored further to add depth to the dynamics of their relationship.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtle and nuanced dialogue that delves deeper into Sarah's internal struggles and the complexities of her situation. This would help in creating a more compelling and realistic portrayal of the character's experiences.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with Sarah's emotional journey and the impact of the shooting incident on her life not given enough time to unfold organically. Slowing down the pace and allowing for more introspection and reflection could enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Sarah's dialogue to make it more authentic and nuanced, reflecting the true emotional impact of the events on her life.
  • Explore the relationship dynamics between Sarah and Greg further, adding depth to their interactions and providing insight into how the shooting incident has affected their marriage.
  • Introduce more subtle and layered dialogue that delves into Sarah's internal struggles and conflicting emotions, allowing for a more nuanced portrayal of her character.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more introspection and emotional depth, giving the audience a chance to connect with Sarah's experiences on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding moments of vulnerability and raw emotion to Sarah's portrayal, showcasing the true impact of the shooting incident on her mental and emotional well-being.



Scene 34 -  Sarah and Greg's Conversation
INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT (COUNT.)

Sarah walks downstairs to see her husband standing in the
kitchen waiting for her at the table and drinking a cup of
tea.
100.


SARAH
Hey.

GREG
Yeah.
(BEAT)
Honey I love you okay, and I hate
to see you like this.

SARAH
What are you talking about? See me
like what ?

He pauses and looks at this desperate wife.

GREG
The Micheal Nelson Show? I mean why
are you even talking to that quack?
You don't have to keep doing this
to yourself.

SARAH
You wouldn't understand Greg, you
just don't get it. Look at us! This
is the fourth house this year -

GREG
So what-

SARAH
So, you would think that things
would get better by now! I just go
on these shows to try and clear my
name, don't I owe myself that at
least!?

GREG
Honey, I love you and know you want
to make this right, but the legal
system did its job.
(BEAT)
You were acquitted of all charges.
We knew that it was just an
accident.

SARAH
You don't think I'm a racist?

GREG
No honey. Let's just move on from
all this and start over new. No
more interviews, no more op-eds, or
one on one's with these wack jobs
on the internet okay?
(MORE)
101.
GREG (CONT’D)
(BEAT)
It's not doing you or I any favors.

SARAH
Okay.
(BEAT)
I'm sorry. I just want things to go
back to normal, how things were
before all of this.
(BEAT)
I didn't mean it you know.

GREG
I know. I love you. That is all you
need to be worried about.

The two kiss as Greg walks over to grab the trash and take it
outside for the night.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After a taping of the Michael Nelson Show, Sarah and Greg discuss how Sarah should deal with the aftermath of a traumatizing event. Sarah wants to keep trying to clear her name, while Greg wants her to move on. They resolve their conflict when Sarah apologizes and agrees to stop talking to Michael Nelson on his show.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Exploration of complex themes
  • Tension in relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing conflicts and themes that drive the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a controversial case and the personal struggles of the characters is compelling and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of Sarah's internal conflict and the strained dynamics in her relationship with Greg.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of guilt, redemption, and forgiveness, with authentic character interactions and a realistic portrayal of domestic life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Sarah's internal turmoil and Greg's supportive yet conflicted stance adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah experiences a shift in perspective and emotional turmoil, while Greg showcases a supportive yet conflicted demeanor.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to seek validation and understanding from her husband regarding her actions and decisions. She wants to feel supported and accepted despite the challenges she has faced.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to reconcile with her husband and move past the negative consequences of her past actions. She wants to rebuild their relationship and find a sense of normalcy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and interpersonal conflicts, particularly between Sarah and Greg, which heighten the emotional stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but ultimately leads to a resolution and reconciliation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Sarah grapples with her guilt, public perception, and the strain on her relationship with Greg.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional arcs of the characters and setting up further conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of its emotional beats and character dynamics, but the resolution is not immediately obvious.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of redemption and forgiveness. Sarah struggles with her own guilt and societal judgment, while Greg represents a more pragmatic approach to moving forward.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, as the scene delves into Sarah's guilt, desperation, and the strained nature of her relationship with Greg.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional tension between Sarah and Greg, as well as their differing perspectives on the situation.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity and relatable themes of love, forgiveness, and redemption.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed pauses and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension given the serious nature of the conversation between Sarah and Greg. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more emotional depth and conflict.
  • The interaction between Sarah and Greg could be more dynamic and engaging to draw the audience in. Adding layers to their emotions and motivations would make the scene more compelling.
  • The transition between the previous scene and this one could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story. Consider incorporating a more seamless segue to connect the two scenes.
  • The dialogue could be more impactful by delving deeper into the emotional turmoil Sarah is experiencing. This would help to create a more engaging and relatable interaction between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling. Adding descriptive details about the setting and character actions would help to paint a clearer picture for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to convey the underlying emotions and tensions between Sarah and Greg. This will add depth to their conversation and make it more engaging.
  • Introduce more physical actions or gestures to accompany the dialogue, such as pacing, hand movements, or facial expressions, to enhance the visual storytelling and bring the scene to life.
  • Explore different ways to build suspense and drama within the scene, such as incorporating a revelation or a turning point that escalates the conflict between Sarah and Greg.
  • Work on refining the pacing of the scene to maintain the audience's interest and keep them invested in the characters' journey. Consider tightening the dialogue and focusing on key moments of conflict and resolution.
  • Consider revisiting the character motivations and arcs to ensure they are consistent and compelling throughout the scene. This will help to create a more engaging and impactful interaction between Sarah and Greg.



Scene 35 -  Home Invasion
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT

Vincent sits in his car outside of Sarah's house with blacked
out headlights, with a dark hoodie and mask.

He watches as her husband takes out the garbage, completely
unaware that anyone is watching.

Greg drags the can down the driveway and we follow him, just
before we see the dark on the street.

He pauses at the end of the driveway.

He looks down the dark street, and heads back inside.

He doesn't even see Vincent dark car in the background.

CUT TO:


INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sarah is laying in the bed and wakes up after hearing the
rumbling downstairs.

Her eyes shoot open.

She can't be sure so, she tries not to back another move.
Another bang from downstairs, forces her to sit up.

SARAH
Greg wake up.

She tries to wake her groggy husband and he turns over.
102.


There is a crash downstairs and the two's fear heighten,
springing them up from there bed.

GREG
Shh, go in the closet and don't
come out until I come get you.

SARAH
No.

Greg goes under his bed and grabs a gun.

She dashes into the closet.

Greg slowly walks down the dark hallway, gun in hand.

GREG
Whoever you are, leave this house
immediately, I have a gun and I
will shoot. This is a stand your
ground state and you are
trespassing on my property!
(BEAT)
C'mon you asshole.

He let's off a warning shot.

He paces down the steps, gun in hand, to see that the front
door is cracked open.

He stops at the top of the steps, we angle up looking at Greg
and we see a figure in a black hoodie standing right behind
him.

Suddenly, the man in the hoodie knocks him over the head.

He falls down the steps and is knocked out unconscious.

CUT TO:


INT. SARAH'S HOUSE (CLOSET) - NIGHT

Sarah hears her husbands heavy body collapse onto the wooden
floor and she springs into action.

Sarah slowly opens the closet door, grabbing her cell phone
dialing 911.

SARAH
Greg! Greg! Please answer me!

The operator answers the phone and she's starts to whisper
103.


SARAH (CONT’D)
Yes, someone broke in and I think
my husband is hurt please send
someone, i'm really scared, please
hurry.
(BEAT)
I'm officer Sarah Smith, Protection
Order #2356.

CUT TO:


HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

As Sarah starts to panic more, she walks down the hallway and
as she turns the corner slowly.

And it's a man in a dark hoodie and ski mask, trailing behind
her in the distance without her even noticing.

She rushes down the step and spots her husband, laying on the
floor at the bottom of the steps.

She stands there in shock looking down at her husband dying
on the floor.

She doesn't even see Vincent standing behind her.

She hold her husbands head as he chokes on his blood, he can
only widen his eyes as Vincent stands behind his clueless
wife.

Sarah notices that her husband's eyes are widening and
clearly something is wrong.

She looks up and see's Vincent wearing the dark hoodie and
sprint over to the door.

Vincent trips her up and she falls to the ground .

The two wrestle on the ground as Sarah goes for the shot gun.
Vincent kicks the gun away.

Vincent jumps on top of Sarah and quickly pulls out a knife.
He points it directly towards her nose, stopping her in her
tracks.

VINCENT
Shhh shhh, it's okay.

Sarah squirms and cries.
104.


SARAH
Please, just let me go, don't hurt
me.

Vincent smiles under the shadow of the mask, enjoying her
fear.

Sarah struggles to get away from him, but she is too frazzled
to do so.

He take out a rope and ties her wrist together.

VINCENT
I've waited all year to find you.
All this time, I've been tracking
you.
(BEAT)
And now your here. I didn't know
when the right time would be to
come and find you.

SARAH
Please, I'll give you money, I'll
give you all my jewelry, just let
my husband go.

He let's out a psychotic chuckle and stands up.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Vincent breaks into Sarah and Greg's home while Greg is taking out the trash. He knocks Greg unconscious and confronts Sarah. They wrestle and Vincent overpowers her, tying her up.
Strengths
  • Effective use of suspense and tension
  • Strong portrayal of fear and desperation
  • High-stakes conflict and emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development
  • Some cliched elements in the home invasion trope

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience on edge with the threat of violence and the unknown intentions of the intruder.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a home invasion by a masked intruder is a classic thriller/horror trope that is executed well in this scene, heightening the fear and tension for the characters and the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the home invasion and the struggle of the characters to survive the intruder's attack, leading to a high-stakes confrontation that drives the tension and suspense.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar home invasion scenario but adds a unique twist with the stand your ground law element and the unexpected actions of the characters. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and heighten the suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Sarah and Greg are effectively portrayed as a couple facing a terrifying situation, with Sarah showing fear and determination while Greg tries to protect her. The intruder, Vincent, is menacing and unpredictable, adding to the suspense.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah and Greg undergo a change from a sense of security to fear and desperation as they are confronted with a dangerous intruder, leading to a shift in their dynamic and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to protect her husband and herself from the intruder. This reflects her deep desire for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the home invasion and protect her husband. This goal is directly related to the immediate challenge of facing a dangerous intruder in her home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, as the characters are faced with a life-threatening situation and must make split-second decisions to survive.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the intruder posing a significant threat to the protagonist and her husband. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, with the characters' lives in danger and a sense of imminent threat, heighten the tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new threat and raising the stakes for the characters, setting up further conflict and suspense in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the twists in the home invasion scenario. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the intruder's desire for revenge and Sarah's desire for survival. This challenges Sarah's beliefs about morality and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and anxiety in the audience, creating an emotional impact that keeps viewers engaged and on the edge of their seats.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the fear and desperation of the characters in the face of danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and well-developed characters. The audience is drawn into the intense situation and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense through the characters' movements and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and effective structure, building tension and suspense through the characters' actions and dialogue. The pacing and formatting enhance the impact of the events.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong sense of tension and suspense, which is effective in drawing the audience in.
  • The use of darkness and the setting of Sarah's house at night adds to the atmosphere of fear and danger.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and Greg feels natural and adds to the sense of urgency and panic in the scene.
  • The physical actions and reactions of the characters are well-described and help to visualize the unfolding events.
  • The introduction of Vincent as a menacing and mysterious figure is well-executed, creating a sense of dread and anticipation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Sarah to further develop her character and increase the audience's connection with her.
  • Explore the possibility of adding more sensory details to enhance the suspense and fear in the scene, such as describing the sounds or smells in the environment.
  • Ensure that the actions and reactions of the characters remain consistent with their personalities and motivations throughout the scene.
  • Consider building up the tension even further by incorporating more psychological elements, such as mind games or manipulation between Vincent and Sarah.
  • Think about adding a twist or unexpected turn of events to keep the audience engaged and surprised.



Scene 36 -  Sarah's Murder
EXT./INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Hazy Yard. Wides

Sarah's let's out a blood curdling scream, but we are outside
of Sarah's house and we don't see the horrors that are taking
place inside.

Vincent sprints of the front door with greg over his
shoulders.

He goes back in to drag Sarah into the car, now duck tapped
and arms tied.

On the floor of Sarah and Greg's room , we push in to see a
cell phone with the time "19:34" seconds busy line.

The cops heard the whole killing over the phone!

Music Swells
105.


INT. VANESSA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

It's late at night and Vanessa is sleeping in her bed.

Her phone starts to ring and she springs up.

VANESSA
(Sleepy Voice) Hello? What, Okay
okay, send me the address, I'm
coming now!

She hops out of bed and puts on her police jacket.

She hops into her car and speeds off to the crime scene.


EXT. SARAH'S HOME - NIGHT

Crime scene, photographs, wet pavement.

Vanessa's Car pulls up to the scene as she get's out and
rushes inside. Tom and Officer Miller are standing outside.


INT. OFFICER SARAH'S HOME - NIGHT

Vanessa is holding up an iPHONE camera to the blood streaks
along the hardwood floor.

He flashes his light on the blood.

VANESSA
This is a mess. Any ETA on Tom?

RECORDER
None yet, Alison's pulling the ring
doorbell footage now. Looks like
the perp got away right through the
front door

OFFICER
Get a load of this.

Officer plays the 911 call from his cell phone as Tom listens
with a sullen face.

He hears Sarah on the line screaming and crying.

VANESSA
I knew it would be a matter of time
before this guy would pick the
wrong victim.
106.


(BEAT)
This is not gonna go off well.

TOM
You think-

VANESSA
We can't be sure.

The Officer show's Sarah's police Academy picture he picks up
off the table.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Look familiar??

Tom walks in. Just a

OFFICER MILLER
Shit! That's her, I thought her
name sound familiar. She's probably
the most hated woman in Atlanta
right now.

VANESSA
Sarah Smith. I just approved her
additional protective order since
all of this social media stuff.

TOM
Wait I know that woman?

VANESSA
What do you mean?

Suddenly, car speed onto the screen, much bigger than the
local sheriff. They all hop out of Black Sprinter vans
looking official and organized.

Vanessa rushes back outside to meet the crew, leaving Tom
behind.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Wait wait, what is going on here?

An older, taller FBI Agent hops out of the van. He put on a
jacket that reads (FBI).

FBI AGENT
Sargent Vanessa?

VANESSA
What the hell are you doing, this
is my crime scene.
107.


FBI AGENT
Not any more it isn't. We've been
watching these cases for a while
and we will be taking over from
here.

VANESSA
Shit.

FBI AGENT
You and I both know it was coming.
You've wasted enough resources as
it is.

The FBI agents rush into the house and push out the local
police.

TOM
So now what?

VANESSA
We move on to the next. I knew it
was a matter of time any way.

TOM
So that's it, were just off the
case? What about all of the work we
put in.

VANESSA
It's okay. We'll just standby and
support were we can, at this point,
let the Men in Black Handle it.

TOM
Man, i'm sorry.

VANESSA
Don't be. You have been kicking ass
around here. You good in my book.

(BEAT)
At least we get to celebrate the
holiday now. Get some rest Fields.
We'll have plenty to do in the
morning knowing these guys.

Tom stand with a sad face as we pull away from the chaotic
scene of FBI Agents.
108.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sarah is murdered and dragged into a car by Vincent. The police investigate and discover that Sarah was a police officer. The FBI arrives and takes over the case.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • High stakes
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful pacing
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in dialogue
  • Some cliched elements in crime genre

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with its dark and suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a crime scene escalating with FBI involvement and the revelation of a well-known character being a victim adds depth and complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and full of suspense, with the introduction of FBI agents changing the dynamics of the investigation and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by incorporating elements of FBI involvement, internal police dynamics, and a complex investigation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are reacting realistically to the unfolding events, showcasing their emotions and vulnerabilities in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant emotional turmoil and face life-threatening situations, leading to potential growth and change in their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to solve the crime and bring justice to the victims. This reflects their desire for closure, justice, and a sense of duty as a law enforcement officer.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the crime scene, gather evidence, and apprehend the suspect. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a complex and high-profile case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the murder, FBI involvement, and the unraveling of a well-known character's dark secrets creating intense drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the FBI's takeover creating a significant obstacle for the protagonist. The uncertainty of the situation adds tension and conflict, driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with lives on the line, FBI involvement, and the revelation of dark secrets adding to the sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating the tension, and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden FBI takeover, unexpected plot twists, and complex character dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the investigation will progress.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between justice and bureaucracy. The protagonist's belief in doing what is right clashes with the FBI's takeover of the case, highlighting the tension between individual agency and institutional authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, with the characters' fear, desperation, and shock palpable throughout.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is focused on conveying crucial information and building tension, but could benefit from more depth and character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intense dialogue, and high-stakes investigation. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the crime scene, eager to see how the investigation unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a crime investigation genre, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a crime investigation genre, with clear progression, character interactions, and plot development. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the actions and events taking place, making it difficult for the audience to follow
  • The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and disjointed, causing confusion
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in the scene, making it hard for the audience to connect with the characters
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, lacking authenticity and depth
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience understand the motivations and actions of the characters
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between different locations and characters to improve the flow of the scene
  • Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters to make their actions and decisions more impactful and relatable
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions
  • Add more visual descriptions and details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience



Scene 37 -  FBI Takeover
EXT. SARAH'S HOME - NIGHT

Suddenly, a fleet of BLACK SUVs speed down the road towards
the onto the scene.

They all hop out of Black Sprinter vans looking official and
organized.

Vanessa, Tom, and Miller all watch as the trucks file in.

VANESSA
Just my luck.

An older, taller FBI Agent hops out of the van. He put on a
jacket that reads (FBI).

FBI AGENT
Sargent Vanessa?

VANESSA
What the hell are you doing, this
is my crime scene and we just got
started!

FBI AGENT
Not anymore it isn't. We've been
watching these cases for a while
and we will be taking over from
here.

VANESSA
You gotta be kidding me-

FBI AGENT
You and I both know it was coming.
You've wasted enough resources as
it is and now one of your own is in
trouble.
(BEAT)
We can take it from here, just
relax.

The FBI agents rush onto the scene and push out the local
police.

VANESSA
Wait wait wait! Just wait a minute.
I’ve have been on these cases for
just a few weeks without a peep.
Why am I on such a short leash
here?
109.


FBI AGENT
Don’t make this worst than it
already is. She’s

The agent walks off and Vanessa stares accepts defeat.

TOM
So now what?

VANESSA
I don’t know. Tom I know you worked
hard on this case. I just want to
thank you for sticking beside me
this whole time.
(BEAT)
I knew it was a matter of time any
way.

TOM
So that's it, we’re just off the
case? What about all of the work we
put in, what about the leads?

VANESSA
It's okay. We'll just standby and
support were we can, at this point,
let the Men in Black handle it.
Look honey, You have been kicking
ass around here, so you good in my
book.
(BEAT)
At least we get to celebrate the
holidays now. Get some rest Fields.
We'll have plenty to do in the
morning knowing these guys.

Tom stands with a sad face as we pull away from the chaotic
scene of FBI Agents.

The yard full of agents.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The FBI arrives at the crime scene, taking over the investigation. Detective Vanessa, the lead detective, is frustrated and defeated, while her partner Tom is disappointed. The FBI agent reveals that the case has been under FBI observation and accuses Vanessa of wasting resources. Despite her reluctance, Vanessa reluctantly accepts the takeover, hinting at a deeper mystery. The scene ends with Vanessa and Tom leaving the investigation to the FBI agents.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Introducing new conflict
  • Advancing the plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Functional dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces a new conflict, and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the FBI taking over a case from local police is a common but well-executed plot device that adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with the introduction of the FBI adding a new layer of complexity and conflict to the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar conflict between local law enforcement and the FBI but adds depth through the characters' emotional reactions and relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and adds complexity to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the situation, showcasing their dedication to the case and their emotional responses to the FBI takeover.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the characters' reactions and responses hint at potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Vanessa's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the fact that the FBI is taking over her case and to accept defeat gracefully. This reflects her need for control and validation in her work.

External Goal: 9

Vanessa's external goal is to figure out her next steps now that the FBI has taken over the case. She needs to decide how to support the investigation and move forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the local police and the FBI, as well as the internal conflict faced by the characters, adds intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the FBI agent challenging Vanessa's authority and control. The audience is left uncertain about how Vanessa will respond to this obstacle.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the FBI takeover, as well as the potential consequences for the characters and the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a new conflict and shifting the focus of the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift in power dynamics and the emotional reactions of the characters. The audience is left unsure of how Vanessa will react to the FBI's takeover.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Vanessa's desire to maintain control and the reality of the FBI taking over the case. This challenges her beliefs about her own abilities and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to defeat and resignation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional, serving to move the plot forward and convey the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and character dynamics. The tension between Vanessa and the FBI agent keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to a satisfying resolution. The dialogue and action are well-paced and contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a conflict, resolution, and emotional payoff. It effectively sets up the next steps in the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition or connection to the previous scenes, making it feel disjointed from the rest of the screenplay.
  • The dialogue between Vanessa and the FBI agent feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The conflict between Vanessa and the FBI agent is resolved too quickly and easily, missing an opportunity to build tension and suspense.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the setting and characters.
  • The emotional impact of Vanessa losing control of the case to the FBI is not fully explored, leaving the audience feeling disconnected from her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scenes to this one to maintain continuity and flow in the screenplay.
  • Develop the dialogue between Vanessa and the FBI agent to add depth to their characters and create a more engaging interaction.
  • Extend the conflict between Vanessa and the FBI agent to build tension and suspense, making the scene more compelling for the audience.
  • Include more visual descriptions and details to enhance the setting and help the reader visualize the scene more vividly.
  • Explore the emotional impact on Vanessa of losing control of the case to the FBI, allowing the audience to connect with her character on a deeper level.



Scene 38 -  The Monster's Redemption
INT. VINCENT'S ART STUDIO - NIGHT

Raining, The Thunderstorm is Raging Outside of the House, and
Music Blast in the room Smile Sarah - Halls and Oates.

Sarah wakes up to dark room surrounded by one ambient light.

Lightning strikes from outside of the window
110.


SARAH
Hello! Hello! Please someone help
me!

Vincent sits in the dark, just looking at her.

We only see a silhouette of his dark shadow and smoke rising
from his joint in the distance.

He let's out a long, psychotic giggle.

VINCENT
No on can hear you.

SARAH
Who are you? Please I'll give you
anything, just don't hurt him.

Vincent laughs.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Someone will come. I'm an officer.
It's not worth it to kill me, just
let us go and I'll make sure they
go easy on you.

Vincent emerges from the shadows with a knife held at Greg’s
neck and an evil look on this face through the ski mask.

He pulls off his Ski-Mask, revealing his face.

VINCENT
So then, why don't we just get to
it huh, stop all these
pleasantries?

She immediately recognizes him.

SARAH
Vincent!?

VINCENT
Officer Smith, I've been thinking a
while about this night. It's quite
literally eaten me up inside for
months, and now the time has
finally come huh?
(BEAT)
Our little family reunion.
(BEAT)
You know I blamed myself for what
happened. My brother had a bright
future and you took it away from
him in a few seconds.
111.


SARAH
You don't understand, I didn't mean
to hurt him -

VINCENT
You mean kill him.

SARAH
I was just as afraid as he was! I
was just starting out in the field,
I wasn't trained for that kind of
work and I just let my nerves get
the best of me, please. I have
nightmares about that night,
Vincent. I lost everything after
the shooting and I just-
(BEAT)
I'm so sorry what happened Vincent,
I thought, I thought he was a -

VINCENT
A threat. You thought he was a
threat right?
(BEAT)
Wouldn't be the first time.

Vincent pauses and stares for a while.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
But it will be the last.

Clap of thunder.

Vincent starts to undress from his blacked out overalls .

VINCENT (CONT’D)
You know, I AM gonna kill you
tonight, but I just thought I'd
show you that it won't be in vain.

Vincent pulls a remote from his pocket.

Vincent clicks a button on a remote that controls the lights.

They reveal the "Black Rage" paintings surrounding Sarah and
Greg.

With each painting reveal, the light above shows the canvas,
full of blood and horrific paintings.

We dolly around to see the paintings covered in blood
surrounding the two of them standing in the center of the
room.
112.


Greg is still bleeding out in the distance.

He wipes off his knife.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
At first, they started as little
"passion" projects I did for
creative inspiration.
(BEAT)
You know I spent a year denying my
self this feeling? I felt
everything that they say you are
supposed to feel after someone you
love dies. Fear, Delusion,
Bargaining.
I took pills, I worked out, I
picked up my hobbies again, I
distracted myself with all this
shit, but none of that worked to
fill this hole I felt. To fill that
hole you created.
(BEAT)
I blamed myself for bringing him
here to Atlanta to live with me. No
one wanted anything to do with him
after our mother died and he
started to go down the wrong path.
I took him in, despite his past and
took care of my baby brother and
after all those years of being
separated, we finally became a real
little family he and Stacy and I.

Vincent picks up the picture of his family again, he looks at
it as he talks to her.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
You know after you killed him, I
thought "this death will feel just
like the ones I've had before, I've
had people die in my life and yeah
you’re sad, you don't know what to
do with yourself at first, but
eventually you get over it. But I
don't want to be sad anymore and I
haven't gotten over it. I can't let
this monster inside take control of
me, but now, I just have to accept
the reality of the world that we
live in. The world that YOU created
for us to live in.
113.


SARAH
You don't want to do this. You’re
not some monster-

VINCENT
I thought that too.
(BEAT)
But sadly you've been mistaken. I
am a monster.

We are close as Vincent comes to realize his place in the
world.

His eye water and psychotic stare intensifies.

He stands up.

FIXED ANGLE OF THE EMPTY CHAIR AND PAINTINGS IN THE
BACKGROUND

OC Sarah is begging for her life and screaming.

Vincent kills her and we hear the sound of blood curdling and
choking.

We still are close as Vincent walks back over with a paint
brushes, his hands now covered in red blood.

SCENE INTERCUTS AS MUSIC NARRATES THE SCENE.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In a haunting art studio, Officer Sarah confronts Vincent, the vengeful brother of a man she killed. As Vincent unveils gruesome paintings and confesses his monstrous transformation, Sarah's pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears. Ultimately, driven by his thirst for revenge, Vincent murders Sarah, his hands stained with the blood of his victim.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Deep character exploration
  • Emotional impact
  • Psychological depth
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and emotionally charged, with a strong focus on character development and psychological depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of confronting the past and seeking revenge while exploring the inner demons of the characters is executed brilliantly in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the intense confrontation between Vincent and Sarah, leading to a climactic and shocking resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality with its fresh approach to the themes of revenge, guilt, and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and well-developed, especially Vincent, whose inner turmoil and descent into darkness are portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Vincent undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, embracing his dark side and seeking revenge for his brother's death.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past actions and seek forgiveness for the harm she has caused. This reflects her deeper need for redemption and resolution of guilt and trauma.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and escape from Vincent's threat of violence. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and the danger she is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Vincent and Sarah is intense and emotionally charged, driving the scene forward with high stakes.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent posing a significant threat to Sarah's survival. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of their confrontation.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as Vincent confronts the person responsible for his brother's death and seeks revenge in a chilling and intense manner.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Vincent's motivations and actions, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of morality and the consequences of one's actions. Vincent's belief in revenge and justice clashes with Sarah's plea for forgiveness and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, guilt, and suspense, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the deep emotions and motivations of the characters in a compelling way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, dramatic tension, and high stakes. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the setting and actions of the characters. The transition from Sarah waking up to Vincent revealing himself is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and Sarah feels forced and lacks depth. It could benefit from more emotional depth and authenticity to make the interaction more impactful.
  • The sudden shift in Vincent's character from a vengeful individual to a remorseful one is not well-developed and feels inconsistent. There needs to be a clearer progression in his emotions and motivations.
  • The use of the 'Black Rage' paintings as a backdrop for the scene feels cliched and lacks subtlety. It comes across as a heavy-handed way to convey Vincent's emotions and backstory.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience with a sense of confusion and dissatisfaction. There needs to be a more definitive conclusion to tie up the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to establish the setting and characters' motivations effectively.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and conflicts.
  • Develop Vincent's character arc more cohesively, showing a gradual progression from vengeance to remorse to create a more nuanced portrayal.
  • Consider using more subtle and nuanced symbolism to convey Vincent's emotions and backstory, avoiding heavy-handed imagery like the 'Black Rage' paintings.
  • Ensure the scene has a clear resolution or climax to provide a satisfying conclusion for the audience.



Scene 39 -  The Night of Change
INT. VINCENT'S MANSION (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

SCENE #1

Vincent is cutting off his hair and looking the mirror. He
has completely lost it and with a straight face, he cuts
away. All of it falls off.


INT. POLICE STATION, PRESS PODIUM - NIGHT

SCENE #2

Dark Conference Room, People are chatting, taking pictures as
flashes illuminate the scene.

SUPER: Palisade Police Department - December 9, 2023

Tom and Lauren stand in the back.

Tom has a sad and confused looking face. Vanessa is at the
podium.
114.


VANESSA
Ladies and gentlemen. We have made
a major development here at The
Palisades Police Station. There may
be a masked murder on the loose in
our city.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - NIGHT

SCENE #3

Vincent is cleaning up his and moving things out of house.

The furniture is bring wrapped with plastic.

He is looking out of the blinds of his window and all of this
clothes are being burned in the backyard.

Vincent goes into his art studio, now being completely
painted over in white. It's spotless and looks nothing like a
place where grizzly murders would take place.

He signs a clipboard and his house is now completely empty.
No furniture, no paintings, no bodies, and no blood.


INT. POLICE STATION, PRESS PODIUM - NIGHT

SCENE #2 : INTERCUT BACK

VANESSA (V.O.)
Last night, Officer Sarah Smith and
her longtime husband were abducted
and forced out of their Reynolds-
town Home. As of now, the person of
interest in this case is still at
large, unidentified and considered
armed and dangerous.


INT. DARLA ART GALLERY - NIGHT

SCENE #4

Darla is looking on as the movers bring the new pieces into
the gallery. Wrapped in plastic.
115.


VANESSA (V.O.)
If you have any information on the
where about of Mr. And Mrs. Smith
or you have any leads on a
potential suspect in this case,
please reach out to our police
department.


We push in as her face is glowing with happiness, smiling
cheek to cheek.
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In the dead of night, Vincent makes a dramatic transformation. With shears in hand, he severs his long locks, symbolizing a profound shift within. Meanwhile, the city is gripped by fear as the police announce a chilling revelation: a masked murderer roams free. Vincent's once-opulent mansion stands vacant, every trace of its former grandeur erased. As if to escape the shadows, he vanishes into the night, leaving behind only an empty shell. In stark contrast, Darla's art gallery thrives, welcoming new masterpieces that illuminate the darkness.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling concept
  • Strong themes
  • High conflict level
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Character depth could be further developed
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a gripping narrative with its dark and intense tone. The themes of revenge and guilt add depth to the story, while the shocking revelation of Vincent's actions elevates the stakes and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a masked murderer seeking revenge on a police officer, intertwined with themes of guilt and transformation, is compelling and sets up a complex and engaging storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a series of events that escalate the tension and mystery surrounding Vincent's actions. The introduction of the abduction of Officer Sarah Smith adds a new layer of conflict and danger to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime genre by focusing on the aftermath of a murder and the protagonist's attempts to cover up the evidence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, especially Vincent and Sarah, with their complex motivations and actions driving the plot forward. However, more depth and development could enhance the overall impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Vincent undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, revealing his darker side and descent into violence. Sarah also experiences a drastic change as she faces danger and betrayal, leading to a shift in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal in this scene is to erase any evidence of his involvement in the murders that have taken place in his mansion. This reflects his fear of being caught and his desire to start fresh.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to clean up his mansion and move on from the crimes that have occurred there. This reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding suspicion and starting over.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The high stakes and intense confrontations increase the tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, but not overwhelming to the point of predictability.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters' lives on the line and dangerous situations unfolding. The sense of danger and unpredictability raises the tension and keeps the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with new developments, including the abduction of Officer Sarah Smith and the revelation of Vincent's actions. These events set the stage for further conflict and suspense, advancing the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between hiding the truth and facing the consequences of one's actions. This challenges Vincent's beliefs about accountability and redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, suspense, and empathy for the characters involved. The intense moments and revelations heighten the emotional impact, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, particularly in the confrontation between Vincent and Sarah. The exchanges between characters reveal their inner conflicts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and intercutting between different characters.


Critique
  • The transition from Vincent cutting off his hair to the police station press podium scene feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of clear connection between the two settings and events.
  • The scene of Vincent cleaning up his mansion and moving things out lacks depth and emotional impact. It fails to convey the gravity of the situation and the aftermath of the gruesome murders that took place in the house.
  • The intercutting between Vanessa's announcement at the police station and Darla at the art gallery feels forced and disrupts the flow of the narrative. The juxtaposition of these two scenes does not add to the overall story or character development.
  • The dialogue provided in the police station press podium scene lacks authenticity and depth. It feels more like an exposition dump rather than natural conversation or information dissemination.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are lacking in detail and fail to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between scenes to create a smoother and more coherent narrative flow. Connect the events in a more organic way to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Enhance the scene of Vincent cleaning up his mansion by delving into his emotions, thoughts, and actions. Show the impact of his actions on his psyche and the environment to create a more compelling and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Reevaluate the intercutting between different locations and characters to ensure that it serves a purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters. Make sure the juxtaposition adds depth and meaning to the story.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural, engaging, and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations. Focus on creating authentic conversations that drive the narrative forward and reveal important information in a subtle manner.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to paint a vivid picture for the audience and evoke the appropriate mood and atmosphere. Use sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and enhance their viewing experience.



Scene 40 -  Artful Protest
INT. POLICE STATION, PRESS PODIUM - NIGHT

SCENE #2 : INTERCUT BACK

VANESSA
We want to re-enforce our
commitment to equity, family,
safety, and justice as you enjoy
this holiday season with loved
ones. So help us find Officer
Smith.

CUT TO BLACK.


INT. ART GALLERY - DAY

Busy Documentary Set, Light and artificial boom mic swinging
in the shot.

Darla is talking while we are on black screen .

SUPER - OPENING NIGHT

SUPER - December 12th, 2023 - One Year After Shooting

Vincent and Darla are in a documentary style video set up as
the camera is trying to capture it's focus.

Vincent is in the middle of Darla's gallery, surrounded by
his new pieces.

Vincent is frozen and looks like he doesn't really have too
much to say.

Darla is sitting center frame fixing herself to start
interviewing.

Vincent is set up in another shot, sitting center frame as
well.
116.


An INTERVIEWER off camera starts to ask questions to both of
them.

INTERVIEWER
So, how would you describe
Vincent's inspiration for this
installation?

DARLA
Well, we wanted to make a statement
with this project being on the one
year anniversary of Monte's
killing. As you know, it's been a
struggle to get to this point to
say the lease, but that's the
beauty of Art. Sometimes that
"struggle" can tell a compelling
story and the story of so many
other black and brown people in
this country IS about "the
struggle".
(BEAT)
When Vincent told me about this
project and how he wanted to
commemorate is brother in this
years show, as his broker I was
unsure, but as a fellow human, I
knew that THIS was the time to talk
about what he and so many others
had been feeling in this country.

INTERVIEWER
And what was that?

DARLA
Rage. Black Rage. We gave it that
name because of what I felt we were
trying to convey with the pieces.

Move to Vincent's interview set up.

VINCENT
I've spent the last year of my life
in darkness and I think just,
eventually overtime, I became that
darkness and it feels good.

INTERVIEWER
And despite the public support for,
it seems like you still remained
relatively reclusive for the last
year, in fact, THIS has been your
first interview since that night
right?
117.


VINCENT
I think it's time the world feel
these pieces.

INTERVIEWER
What do you say to the critics who
have already started buzzing about
your come back?

VINCENT
Fuck em. They didn't dictate good
art before and they don't now.

INTERVIEWER
Well, your lucky lady, what does
she think about your work?

Vincent pauses for a long time.

VINCENT
Me and Stacy decided to go our
separate ways.

Sudden cut back to Darla's set up.

DARLA
I think this is really a time of
reflection and inquisition. It's
time that the real BLACK Experience
be put on display for the world to
see.
(BEAT)
That’s what this work is all about.

INTERVIEWER
And you don't feel that the message
might overshadow the work?

DARLA
Not at all. In fact, come see for
yourself. Tonight.
(BEAT)
Experience is our best teacher.
Come and experience Black Rage.

She smiles a charming and evil smile.

Vincent is withdrawn and just sits back in is chair.

CUT TO BLACK:
118.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Crime"]

Summary At an art gallery, Darla and Vincent discuss their installation commemorating the one-year anniversary of Monte's killing and the Black Rage felt in the country. Darla emphasizes the importance of showcasing the true Black Experience, while Vincent reflects on his year of darkness. Darla ends with a chilling smile, highlighting the seriousness and reflective nature of the event.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Intense conflict
  • Powerful themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence
  • Complexity of plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and gripping, with a strong focus on character development and thematic depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a racially charged shooting and the characters' responses to it is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and drives the emotional and thematic elements of the scene forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on artistic expression, societal struggles, and personal growth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex, with deep emotional arcs and motivations that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, deepening their arcs and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to express his emotions and struggles through his art installation, particularly in relation to his brother's death. This reflects his need for catharsis and a desire to make a statement about societal issues.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to showcase his art installation and make a statement about the Black experience. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing societal issues and public perception.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes and emotionally charged, driving the tension and drama forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from societal expectations, personal struggles, and artistic expression. The characters face difficult obstacles that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing life-changing decisions and consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key character developments, conflicts, and thematic elements.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' emotional responses, unexpected revelations, and societal commentary. The audience is kept on their toes by the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between artistic expression and societal expectations. The protagonist's desire to convey his emotions through his art clashes with critics' opinions and public reception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotional, delving into themes of grief, anger, and revenge with intense and impactful moments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, societal commentary, and character dynamics. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing character motivations, and advancing the plot. The rhythm of the dialogue and scene descriptions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The transition from the press conference at the police station to the art gallery scene feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth transition or connection between the two settings.
  • The dialogue between Darla and the interviewer feels a bit forced and heavy-handed in conveying the themes of Black Rage and struggle, coming across as overly expository and lacking subtlety.
  • Vincent's responses in the interview come off as cliched and lacking depth, with his character not fully explored or developed in this scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slow and stagnant, with long pauses and lack of dynamic movement or action to engage the audience.
  • The ending with Darla's charming and evil smile feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the dialogue and tone of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the press conference and the art gallery scene to create a more cohesive flow in the screenplay.
  • Focus on refining the dialogue to be more natural and nuanced, avoiding heavy-handed exposition and cliched responses from the characters.
  • Develop Vincent's character further in the interview, delving into his motivations, emotions, and struggles to add depth and complexity to his portrayal.
  • Enhance the pacing of the scene by adding more dynamic movement, engaging interactions, and tightening the dialogue to maintain audience interest.
  • Reconsider the ending with Darla's smile to ensure it aligns with the overall tone and themes of the scene, providing a more cohesive conclusion.



Scene 41 -  The Tragic Exhibition
INT. DARLA'S ART GALLERY - NIGHT

The gallery is full of people once again.

We are following behind an older man and older woman at the
door as they walk onto the gallery floor.

A waiter stops to take their name.

WAITER
Name please?

We only see the back of the man's head as his brassy voice
answers.

MAN
Mr. And Mrs. Raphael.

We cut to see Vincent's parents' face. MR. RAPHAEL has a bit
of a dignified look and his STEPMOTHER stands beside him
excited to see the show.

Vincent spots his parents from across the room. He walks over
and gives his stepmother a big hug.

He's drunk and slopping around, his physical appearance is
different and he looks like he's really lost it.

They both notice his condition.

He holds out his hand to shake his fathers hand and his
father hugs him.

Vincent is a bit surprised as he embraces his father. The two
are a bit awkward until Dad breaks the iciness.

DAD
It's been a while huh. I'm glad to
see you.

STEPMOM
We're so proud of you Vincent.

VINCENT
Thank you guys for coming.

Vincent pauses. He fidgets around and stutters to get it out.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry
for not calling or checking in with
y'all. I just, I just -
119.


STEPMOM
It's okay. We understand. It's been
hard for us too.
(BEAT)
But we love you and we're proud of
you, don't forget that.

Vincent hugs his Stepmom, but his father is still kind of
cold.

STEPMOM (CONT’D)
Oh this is beautiful.

DAD
All of this is you huh?

VINCENT
Ah, yeah. This is me.

DAD
Well, I think you know Monte and
your mother would be proud.
(BEAT)
You know it takes a lot to show
yourself in this way and I haven't
always been the most supportive of
that. Your really blossoming into
your own in a way that I never did.
(BEAT)
I have to respect you for that.

VINCENT
Thanks.

DAD
And son. I just wanted to tell you,
thank you for looking after your
little brother. I now I didn’t make
it to the funeral and I can’t live
that down.
(BEAT)
When he called back after all those
years, it just brought back so many
painful memories for me and when he
died, I just couldn’t bare to see
him like that. I hope you can
understand where I’m coming from.

Vincent gives him and empty look, confused at this father
apology.

VINCENT
Why didn’t you call me or check on
me or anything after all this time?
120.


DAD
I knew could handle it, your tough,
I knew you would be fine. Raphael
men always are.

VINCENT
Yeah, I guess so.

His dad looks into Vincent eyes and almost comes to tears.
He’s trying to connect to his son but doesn’t really know
what to say.

DAD
I love you son.

VINCENT
I love you too Dad.

DAD
Your mother would be proud of you.

The two embrace again.

They hug for a long time, but the tender moment is
interrupted by the light flickering, signaling for Vincent to
do his speech.

VINCENT
I'm happy we got a chance to talk
one last time.

DAD
One last time?

Vincent smiles.

VINCENT
I hope you like the rest of the
exhibit. It's been a long time
coming you know, good things always
take time right?

There something off about Vincent's smile and it bothers his
father.

DAD
Right, he son is everything okay?

VINCENT
Everything is fine.

Vincent grabs his shoulder. He's smiling through the pain,
but can't seem to break his gaze and watery eyes.
121.


VINCENT (CONT’D)
I'm sorry, have to go now.
(BEAT)
I love you.

Dad is confused, but Vincent rushes off to the main stage at
the center of the gallery.

Darla welcomes him with a double cheek kiss as people file
into their seats.

Some sit down and the other stand up, staring at Vincent
shuffling his way onto the stage.

The mic screeches and people are on there way to their seats.

People notice his new look and are unpleasantly surprised.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Uh, Hello everyone. I won't take to
much more of your time. I just
wanted to thank you all for coming
to this exhibit.
(BEAT)
Honestly, I didn't have too much
prepared for tonight. It's been a
while since I've done one of these.
I'd like to thank the Foxworth
Foundation for hosting this
Installation tonight. My agent
Darla. My family who is here
tonight. I didn't know if they
would come since we haven't
communicated in almost a year since-
(BEAT - he stops)
One thing that I want you all to
take away from tonights show is
that life is just a big stage.
All of us play a role in it. Each
one of us with our own fears,
desires, secrets, bias,
expectations. Black Rage
incapsulates a story that many of
you know.Fear. Greed. Paranoia. The
last year I've spent making these
pieces, I've felt all of these
things in a constant loop.


The stage light is bright, Vincent is stumbling around and
the mic is echoing.

He squints to see the people in the crowd looking on with
piety and confusion.
122.


They snicker as he is clearly fumbling through this speech.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
I just want to say. "Art" is the
product of creative and technical
skill. The skill being something
that is carefully crafted overtime
and the creative being something
that is innate and almost primal if
you will. I shoved the more primal
part of who I was down and realized
that it only takes one spark to
light a flame. The paintings you
see today are a reflection of that
flame. The sacrifices that I had to
make personally to make these
pieces many of you can only
imagine.

Darla is confused at Vincent's speech and walks up to try and
get him back on track.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
When my brother was killed, I
blamed myself. I blamed myself for
caring too much, loving too hard,
aspiring too high. I knew deep down
that their's nothing more dangerous
to the world than a nigga with too
much hope. And I channeled that
hate and pain into these pieces.
(BEAT)
I hope that these painting make you
as hopeless and angry and hateful
as I have felt this past year and
hell, for my entire life!

The crowd gasps. Darla walks on the stage and tries to grab
the mic.

Mr. Raphael stands up, concerned for his sons drunken ramble.

DARLA
(under her breath)
Vincent what are you doing?

VINCENT
I'm giving the people what they
want.

DARLA
Stop it, please-
123.


VINCENT
That's what you all want.
(To the Crowd)
YOU all want to commodify art and
my creativity like some stock.
Packaging up "feeling" to make your
self feel better, live better,
understand better because deep down
you know, your soul isn't for sale
like mine is.

The crowd is confused and getting a bit scared. They snicker
as Darla tries to control the situation.

Vincent start to let out one of his laughing cries.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Well folks, my soul is for sale
tonight, ain't it Darla? That's
what you wanted right? A piece of
it at least?

DARLA
Vincent, you stop this now! You’re
embarrassing yourself -

Vincent pulls a gun out from his jacket and the crowd burst
with screams and gasp.

VINCENT
Well my soul isn't for sale
anymore.
(BEAT)
Because monsters, don't have no
fucking souls. And that all we seem
to be to you all.

His tears stream as he holds the gun under his chin and
suddenly pull the trigger in front of the crowd.

BANG!

They burst in horror and scream. A few people faint and
Vincent's father rushes up to the front of the room.

Quick cuts between the blood splatters and the paintings.

Music Cue - For Sale? (Interlude) - Kendrick Lamar

Vincent's own blood splatters on the canvases behind him.
Each on poetically getting a splatter of blood from Vincent
on the pieces behind.
124.


Darla stands in horror as the room burst in chaos. People are
running around crying and screaming, but she’s just standing
there.

Mr. Raphael is rushes the floor trying to revive his son off
screen, but he's gone.

Darla looks down at a dead Vincent. His father cries over his
lifeless body.

We see her face covered in blood again. She wipes her face,
smearing the blood even more.

She walks off screen, leaving us to focus on the painting in
the back.

- ROLL CREDITS -

POST CREDIT SCENE

PICTURE OF JOE AND DARLA SMILING IN THE GALLERY.

SUPER - The night of the suicide, Vincent Paintings Increased
in Value by 4,000%. Darla Bell later became the first
chairwoman of the Foxworth Foundation and the richest Art
Broker in Southeast.

PICTURE OF STACY WALKING OUTSIDE OF THE COURT ROOM

SUPER - Stacy went into hiding in Russia while suing the
Raphael Foundation for a percentage of the profits from the
sale. They ruled in her favor awarding her $15 Million
Dollars in Damages.

PICTURE OF TOM AND LAUREN

SUPER - Tom and Lauren Moved back to Chicago and had a baby.
Tom's cases were never solved. All 10 missing persons bodies
were never found.

The letters all fade away with the last to words on the
screen lingering.

“Never found”

The words fade away.

CUT TO BLACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary Vincent's parents attend his art gallery exhibition where he gives a rambling speech expressing his anger and hatred towards the audience. He then pulls out a gun and shoots himself in front of the crowd, leaving a tragic and disturbing scene behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Shocking twists
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Graphic violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the dark side of creativity, the consequences of guilt and grief, and the theme of revenge is executed effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and gripping, with a shocking suicide and a dramatic revelation adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of family dynamics, mental health, and the art world in a fresh and intense way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and raw, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially Vincent, leading to a tragic outcome.

Internal Goal: 8

Vincent's internal goal is to seek validation and acceptance from his family, particularly his father, while also grappling with his own self-worth and inner demons.

External Goal: 7

Vincent's external goal is to successfully present his art exhibit and make a statement about his personal struggles and experiences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with intense emotional and psychological turmoil driving the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vincent facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with life and death consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward dramatically, revealing key character motivations and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 9

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events, shocking revelations, and intense emotional outbursts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the commodification of art, the struggle for authenticity in a world driven by profit, and the internal battle between self-expression and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, with moments of sadness, fear, and shock.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and adds to the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional moments, dramatic tension, and unexpected twists, keeping the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to a climactic moment that resonates with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional and dramatic elements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear and cohesive structure, jumping between different interactions and emotions without a clear through-line.
  • Vincent's behavior and dialogue feel erratic and disconnected, making it difficult for the audience to follow and empathize with his character.
  • The dialogue between Vincent and his parents feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity in their interactions.
  • The sudden escalation to Vincent pulling out a gun and committing suicide feels abrupt and sensationalized, lacking proper build-up and emotional resonance.
  • The reactions of the crowd and characters to Vincent's actions seem exaggerated and melodramatic, detracting from the impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and consistent emotional arc for Vincent throughout the scene, building up to the climax in a more organic and believable way.
  • Provide more context and depth to Vincent's relationships with his parents, allowing for a more nuanced and realistic portrayal of their dynamics.
  • Consider toning down the dramatic elements and focusing on subtlety and nuance in Vincent's emotional journey, creating a more impactful and relatable character arc.
  • Introduce more subtlety and nuance in the reactions of the crowd and characters to Vincent's actions, grounding the scene in realism and emotional authenticity.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and structured narrative flow, ensuring that each moment and interaction serves a purpose in advancing the overall story and character development.



Scene 42 -  Vincent's Mansion: A Glimpse into the Future
EXT. VINCENT'S MANSION - DAY

It’s sometime in the future. Birds are chirping, The Sound of
Lawn Mower Going on in the Distance.
125.


There is a huge FOR SALE SIGN in the front yard and a couple
looking at the property.

A fancy Rang Rover sits in the driveway.


INT. VINCENT'S MANSION - DAY

REALTOR
This is the famous Raphael Estate.
Comes with 7400 Square Feet of Pure
Sophistication.

WOMAN
It sure has sure had character.
(BEAT)
Aht, boys no running.
(BEAT)
Sorry, they are just excited

The boy run out the back door.

MAN
How much for this house going for
again ?

REALTOR
Let's just take a look around, and
we will talk numbers later.


EXT. VINCENT'S MANSION - DAY

Two boys are playing in the grassy backyard of huge mansion.
They brought there dog along, who runs down the hill with
them in the backyard.

From the house the parent glance over a the kids.

We see one of the boys are calling out to him.

They finally find the dog and he is pulling up bones from
Vincent's bodies.

We pan up into the sky.

We hear the boys screaming and the dog barking.

WOMAN
Boys what’s going on out here?

The woman shrieks at the top of her lungs.

Closing Card - Black Rage
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Drama"]

Summary In a future where Vincent's Mansion stands for sale, a couple tours the 7400-square-foot property, discovering its unique character. As two boys play in the backyard, their dog unearths Vincent's buried bones, triggering a horrified scream from the accompanying woman. The scene ends abruptly, leaving a chilling reminder of the mansion's dark past.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Twists and turns in the plot
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and leaves a lasting impact on the audience with its dark themes and shocking events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revenge, grief, and transformation into darkness is well-executed, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate, filled with twists and turns, and drives the story forward with its shocking events and character interactions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the luxury real estate genre by incorporating unexpected elements like the discovery of bones in the backyard. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and driven by their emotions, adding depth to the story and creating tension through their interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, particularly Vincent, who descends into darkness and madness, showcasing a compelling character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and control in front of the potential buyers, despite the chaos caused by the children and the discovery of bones in the backyard. This reflects the protagonist's desire to present the property in the best light and secure a successful sale.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to sell the Raphael Estate to the couple looking at the property. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of showcasing the property's features and convincing the buyers of its value.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on edge with its suspenseful events.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's goals, but not overwhelming to the point of resolution.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and the consequences of their actions, adding to the intensity of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating tension, and setting the stage for future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events like the children's behavior and the discovery of bones, which add a layer of mystery and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between presenting a facade of sophistication and luxury, while dealing with the reality of unexpected events like the children's behavior and the discovery of bones in the backyard. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and presentation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and tension to grief and shock, leaving a lasting impact on the viewer.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations, and adding to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the unexpected events, and the mystery surrounding the discovery of bones in the backyard.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action to maintain interest and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It sets up the conflict and resolution effectively.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. It jumps from a dark, intense moment to a seemingly peaceful and mundane setting without a smooth transition.
  • The introduction of the couple looking at the property and the realtor's dialogue feels cliched and lacks depth. It doesn't add much to the overall story or character development.
  • The interaction between the couple and the realtor feels forced and doesn't contribute to the tension or suspense that could have been built up from the previous scenes.
  • The discovery of bones by the dog in the backyard is a shocking and potentially impactful moment, but it feels rushed and lacks proper buildup or explanation.
  • The ending with the woman shrieking at the sight of the bones is a strong visual image, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't tie back to the main storyline effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between scenes to create a smoother flow and maintain the tone and intensity established in the previous scenes.
  • Develop the characters of the couple and the realtor further to make their interactions more meaningful and relevant to the overall plot.
  • Build up the suspense and tension leading to the discovery of the bones in the backyard to make it a more impactful and cohesive moment in the story.
  • Provide more context or explanation for the discovery of the bones to connect it back to Vincent's past actions and the overall narrative.
  • Consider revising the ending to ensure it ties back to the main storyline and leaves a lasting impact on the audience, rather than feeling like a random and disconnected event.