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Scene 1 -  A Comedic Interruption
1 EXT/INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE, MAYFAIR - BEDROOM - DAY 1
ESTABLISH an elegant Mayfair townhouse, horse carriages pass
by and well heeled couples stroll.
We CUT INSIDE TO THE BEDROOM:
Edward Marshall Hall - known simply as MARSHALL (24) - is
tall and powerfully built but you wouldn’t know that as he is
laying underneath a beautifully proportioned young lady named
LILLIE LANGTREE, celebrated actress(28) who is rapidly and
noisily approaching orgasm.
LILLIE LANGTREE
(American accent)
"To bed, to bed; there's knocking
at the gate. Come, come, come,
come, give me your hand. What's
done cannot be undone. Wait. Wait.
NOW!
She collapses onto Marshall and kisses him passionately. They
hug in mutual contentment as Lillie contemplates.
MARSHALL (LAUGHING)
Why do you do that? Recite your
lines?
LILLIE LANGTREE
My two passions. Shakespeare and
sex. Why not enjoy both at once?
She reaches for a cheroot burning in an ashtray on the
bedside table.
LILLIE LANGTREE (CONT'D)
What do you like about me most?

Marshall thinks for a few beats. Then cheekily...

MARSHALL
Your acting.

LILLY LANGTREE
(affronted)
I was not !

MARSHALL
No....I mean, you know, on
stage....

She smiles and once more becomes affectionate.

LILLIE LANGTREE
Let’s do Two Gentlemen Of Verona...

Lillie rolls over and Marshall embraces her from behind.
They begin again with the creak of the four poster bed
indicating the urgency.
HOUSEKEEPER
MISS LANGTREE. MISS LANGTREE! You
must come at once.
Marshall and Lillie begin laughing and the spell is broken.
LILLIE LANGTREE
(calling out)
I HAVE....
HOUSEKEEPER
It’s ten o'clock, miss.
Marshall looks like a bucket of water has been thrown on him.
LILLIE LANGTREE
Damn it. I’m late for rehearsals.
Irving will kill me!
She leaps out of bed
MARSHALL
If he does, I’ll defend him!
She lobs a pillow at him and runs behind her dressing screen
LILLIE LANGTREE
Get thee gone traitor!
Marshall steps out of bed and we see he is in great shape.
He trips over two empty champagne bottles.
His trousers are under Lillie's dress and he pulls them up.
MARSHALL
My shirt? Shoes? Jacket? Underwear!
The door opens discreetly as the housekeeper’s extended arm
comes in dropping two shoes, a sock, shirt, jacket and tie.
POV Marshall as the door clicks shut.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In an elegant Mayfair townhouse, Marshall shares a playful and intimate moment with the celebrated actress Lillie Langtree, who recites Shakespeare while they flirt. Their romantic interlude is humorously interrupted by the housekeeper, reminding Lillie of her rehearsal schedule. As Lillie scrambles to get ready, Marshall comically searches for his clothes, leading to a series of humorous mishaps. The scene captures their chemistry and light-hearted banter amidst the chaos of their disrupted intimacy.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging interaction
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, romance, and comedy to create an engaging and entertaining interaction between the characters. The dialogue is witty and engaging, and the pacing keeps the audience interested throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending Shakespearean elements with a modern setting is unique and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and creates an interesting dynamic between them.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the interaction between Marshall and Lillie, their playful banter, and the interruption from the housekeeper. It effectively sets up the characters and their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting intimacy and passion, blending elements of art and pleasure in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Marshall and Lillie are well-developed and engaging. Their banter and chemistry drive the scene forward and keep the audience invested in their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Marshall and Lillie reveals more about their personalities and relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to enjoy the moment and indulge in his passions, reflecting his desire for pleasure and connection.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to satisfy his lover and enjoy the intimate moment, reflecting the immediate circumstances of their encounter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with the main tension coming from the interruption by the housekeeper. However, the scene focuses more on the playful banter and chemistry between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with external factors disrupting the protagonist's moment of pleasure and intimacy, adding a layer of tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the personal dynamics between the characters rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the relationship between Marshall and Lillie, introducing conflict with the interruption by the housekeeper, and setting up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected blend of art and pleasure, challenging traditional expectations and norms.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of art and pleasure, as Lillie combines her love for Shakespeare with her passion for physical intimacy. This challenges traditional societal norms and expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of passion, humor, and affection between the characters. The audience is likely to be entertained and engaged by the interaction.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters. The blend of Shakespearean language with modern humor adds depth and humor to the interaction.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, playful interactions, and sensual undertones, keeping the audience captivated and entertained.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a rhythmic flow that enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear establishment of setting, character dynamics, and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the playful and intimate dynamic between Marshall and Lillie, showcasing their chemistry through witty banter and physical comedy. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their relationship and reveal their individual characters beyond the immediate humor.
  • While the comedic elements are engaging, the pacing feels slightly rushed, particularly when transitioning from the intimate moment to the interruption by the housekeeper. A more gradual build-up to the chaos could enhance the comedic impact and allow the audience to savor the humor.
  • The use of Shakespearean lines adds a layer of sophistication and character depth, but it may come off as slightly forced or cliché. Consider integrating more original dialogue that reflects their personalities while still hinting at their artistic inclinations.
  • The physical comedy, such as Marshall tripping over champagne bottles, is a strong visual element, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. Describing the sounds, smells, and textures of the environment would create a richer experience.
  • The housekeeper's entrance serves as a good plot device to introduce urgency, but her character could be fleshed out a bit more. Adding a line or two that hints at her personality or her relationship with Lillie could make her presence more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or deeper connection between Marshall and Lillie before the interruption, allowing the audience to invest more emotionally in their relationship.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly during the transition from intimacy to chaos. Allow for a brief moment of realization or panic before the housekeeper interrupts, which could heighten the comedic effect.
  • Revise some of the dialogue to include more unique expressions or insights that reflect Marshall and Lillie's personalities, rather than relying solely on Shakespearean quotes.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the scene's atmosphere, such as the sound of the city outside, the smell of champagne, or the feel of the sheets, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Give the housekeeper a distinct personality trait or quirk that makes her entrance memorable, perhaps through a humorous line or a unique way of addressing Lillie that reflects their relationship.



Scene 2 -  A Late Arrival at Newgate
2 INT HANSOM CAB-EXT. NEWGATE JAIL - DAY 2
Marshall rides in a Hansom as it approaches Newgate Jail.
London streets bustling with activity.
A man CHARLIE GILL (34) waits outside the jail gates reading
a newspaper. Close on the headline: RIVER MURDERS. ANOTHER
BODY FOUND.
GILL looks up from the news as MARSHALL’S CARRIAGE arrives-
MARSHALL climbs down looking dishevelled. GILL approaches.
His look tells us he has waited longer than is courteous.
MARSHALL
I am so sorry Charlie. I came as
quickly as I could.
Gill shoots him a knowing look. Marshall pays the cab driver
and doesn’t wait for change.
CHARLIE GILL
(glancing down)
It’s difficult to be angry with a
man wearing only one sock. How is
dear Lillie?
Gill hands Marshall a LEGAL BRIEF tied with a pink ribbon.

3 EXT. NEWGATE JAIL - MAIN ENTRANCE -DAY 3
Gill knocks on the main gate entrance.
MARSHALL
Who is our client?
CHARLIE GILL
Gideon Rosenberg. Jewish immigrant
charged with murdering his
landlord. Thoughts?
The prison GUARD opens the gate and Marshall and Gill enter.
MARSHALL
We plead it down to manslaughter?

4 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - DAY 4
The gates are slowly unlocked.
NEWGATE GUARD FLETCHER
Morning Mr. Gill.
CHARLIE GILL
Good morning, Stanley.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Marshall arrives late and disheveled at Newgate Jail, apologizing to his colleague Charlie Gill, who has been waiting outside. Gill hands Marshall a legal brief regarding their client, Gideon Rosenberg, a Jewish immigrant accused of murder. Despite the initial frustration over Marshall's tardiness, the two share a moment of camaraderie as they enter the jail, greeted by the guard, Stanley Fletcher.
Strengths
  • Clear introduction of new character
  • Effective plot advancement
  • Establishment of professional dynamic
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively sets the tone and introduces a new character while advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of defending a murder case involving a Jewish immigrant adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the new case and the decision-making process for the defense strategy.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the legal drama genre with its historical setting and witty dialogue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his reputation and professionalism despite being late and disheveled. This reflects his desire for respect and competence.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to defend Gideon Rosenberg and potentially plead his case down to manslaughter. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the legal system.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters discuss the defense strategy for the murder case.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the potential guilt of the client and the moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters deal with a murder case and the potential consequences for the defendant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new case and setting up the defense strategy.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the potential outcome of the legal case and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between upholding justice and defending a potentially guilty client. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the legal system and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene lacks emotional depth but sets up the potential for emotional stakes in future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is professional and serves to move the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and intriguing setup for the upcoming legal case.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and setting up the upcoming legal case.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with clear character introductions and a setup for the upcoming case.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. While the comedic chaos of Marshall's scramble to get dressed is engaging, the shift to the serious tone of the legal world at Newgate Jail could benefit from a smoother narrative bridge. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a humorous thought from Marshall as he rides in the cab, which could maintain the light-hearted tone before introducing the gravity of the legal situation.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Gill effectively establishes their relationship and the urgency of the situation. However, the line 'It’s difficult to be angry with a man wearing only one sock' feels slightly forced. While it aims for humor, it could be more natural. A more subtle or situationally relevant joke might resonate better with the audience.
  • The scene does a good job of establishing the setting and the characters' dynamics, but it lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the storytelling. For instance, describing the bustling streets of London in more vivid detail could help immerse the audience in the environment and contrast the chaos outside with the serious nature of their business.
  • The introduction of the legal brief tied with a pink ribbon is a nice touch that adds a layer of character to the case they are handling. However, it could be more impactful if the brief's contents were hinted at or if Marshall had a brief reaction to it, indicating his feelings about the case or the client.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, especially as they enter the jail. Slowing down the moment when they approach the gates could build tension and anticipation for the serious discussions that will follow. A moment of hesitation or a brief exchange about the case could enhance the emotional weight.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Marshall during the cab ride to reflect on his chaotic morning or his thoughts about Lillie, which would create a smoother transition into the more serious tone of the next scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more organic. Instead of the line about the sock, perhaps Gill could comment on Marshall's overall disheveled appearance in a way that feels more natural and less scripted.
  • Enhance the visual description of the London streets and the jail to create a more vivid setting. Use sensory details to paint a picture of the environment, which can help ground the audience in the story.
  • Introduce a moment where Marshall reacts to the legal brief, perhaps expressing concern or curiosity about the case, which would add depth to his character and the situation.
  • Slow down the pacing as they approach the jail. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a brief discussion about the case before entering, which could heighten the tension and set the stage for the serious discussions to come.



Scene 3 -  Desperation in the Shadows
5 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - UNDERGROUND PASSAGEWAYS - DAY 5
Gill covers his nose with a handkerchief as they follow the
lamplight held by the guard.
Keys jangle and prisoners scream and shout in a cacophony
forged in purgatory.
INT. NEWGATE JAIL CELL - day
GIDEON ROSENBERG(38), is a Hasidic Jew with an Eastern
European accent. He clutches a Tanakh Hebrew Bible.
GIDEON ROSENBERG
….We fled persecution in Lithuania
and got a flat in Whitechapel. Ever
since, the landlord has made our
lives hell. He uses his keys to
enter our home whenever he chose.
He was about to rape my wife.
CHARLIE GILL
Mr. Rosenberg, the choice is stark
but clear. Take your chances with
the Jury or with a Judge.
MARSHALL
You were in debt and do not deny
pushing him to the floor. He died.
CHARLIE GILL
Debt is an easy motivation for any
Jury to understand.
GIDEON ROSENBERG
I lost my job. We were preyed upon
by this shyster. Wouldn’t an
English Jury have any sympathy?
MARSHALL
An English Jury is twelve, white,
Christian, middle aged, businessmen
all of whom are owners of land and
property. Most will be landlords.
Rosenberg seeks hope in Gill’s eyes.
GIDEON ROSENBERG
They are everything I am not.
CHARLIE GILL
On these facts alone, a Jury will
convict. If we plead guilty to
manslaughter a Judge may use
Judicial discretion and be lenient.
GIDEON ROSENBERG
One man decides, not twelve?
MARSHALL
It all depends on the Judge we get.
We are taking a gamble either way.
Rosenberg weighs up the odds.
GIDEON ROSENBERG
Gambling? And my life the stake.
Strange kind of justice in your
country.
Off on Marshall. It’s true, but it is all he can offer.

6 INT. NEWGATE TUNNELS. DAY 6
Marshall and Gill are led out by Guard Fletcher.
CHARLIE GILL
(to the guard)
We are late Stanley. Let’s cut
across the yard.
There is a chink of light coming through the door which is
ajar at the end of the corridor.
NEWGATE GUARD FLETCHER
Best be quick, there’s a topping
on, some mollisher or other.
Fletcher pushes open the door to find a solemn group
surrounding the hanging room scaffold.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Historical"]

Summary In the dimly lit corridors of Newgate Jail, Charlie Gill and Marshall discuss the precarious legal situation of Gideon Rosenberg, a Hasidic Jew accused of manslaughter. Rosenberg shares his traumatic past and fears about his landlord, seeking hope from Gill. The two lawyers debate the risks of a jury trial versus pleading guilty, highlighting the biases against Rosenberg. As they navigate the oppressive atmosphere of the jail, Guard Fletcher warns them of an impending hanging, adding to the scene's tension. The discussion ends with a grim reveal of the hanging room, leaving Rosenberg's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for dialogue to become overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension and moral ambiguity of the situation, engaging the audience with its thought-provoking dialogue and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the moral and legal complexities of a murder case involving a Jewish immigrant is compelling and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the narrative and raises important questions about justice and empathy.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing a key conflict and dilemma that will drive the story forward. It sets the stage for the legal proceedings and the character development of Gideon Rosenberg.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the legal system and the complexities of justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clearly established in this scene. The interactions between Marshall, Gill, and Rosenberg reveal their personalities and the internal conflicts they face.

Character Changes: 8

The scene marks a significant moment of change for Gideon Rosenberg, as he grapples with the decision to plead guilty or face a Jury trial. It sets the stage for his character development and growth throughout the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Gideon Rosenberg's internal goal is to seek justice and redemption for his actions, reflecting his deeper need for fairness and protection of his family. His fear of being judged unfairly and desire for a second chance drive his decisions in the scene.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the legal system and make a decision on how to plead in court. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a trial and potential conviction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is palpable, stemming from the moral dilemma faced by Gideon Rosenberg and the legal implications of his actions. It creates tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and high stakes for the characters. The uncertainty of the legal outcome adds to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Gideon Rosenberg's life hangs in the balance. The decision he makes will have far-reaching consequences, adding urgency and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a key conflict and dilemma that will shape the narrative. It sets up the legal proceedings and establishes the central tension of the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of the legal proceedings. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of justice and the fairness of the legal system. Gideon's belief in the system's ability to provide justice clashes with Marshall's pragmatic view of the reality of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sympathy for Rosenberg to tension and uncertainty about the outcome of his trial. It engages the audience on an emotional level, drawing them into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and serves to deepen the conflict and tension in the scene. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding layers to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' dilemmas.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the grim atmosphere of Newgate Jail, using sensory details like the cacophony of prisoners and the smell that Gill covers with a handkerchief. This sets a strong tone for the seriousness of the situation.
  • Gideon Rosenberg's character is introduced with a compelling backstory that highlights his persecution and desperation. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository at times. The characters are discussing legal strategies, but the stakes could be heightened with more emotional resonance.
  • The dialogue between Marshall, Gill, and Rosenberg is informative but lacks a sense of urgency. Given that Rosenberg's life is at stake, the conversation could benefit from more tension and emotional stakes, perhaps by incorporating more of Rosenberg's fear or anger.
  • The contrast between the characters' backgrounds and the biases of the jury is a strong thematic element, but it could be emphasized further. Rosenberg's plea for sympathy could be more poignant if he expressed more personal stakes or fears about the jury's prejudices.
  • The transition from the cell to the tunnels is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to move the story forward, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Perhaps a brief moment of reflection from Rosenberg before they leave could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Rosenberg's dialogue. Instead of just stating facts, allow him to express his feelings about his situation, which could create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from the characters to break up the dialogue. For example, Rosenberg could show signs of distress or anger as he discusses his plight, which would add to the tension.
  • Enhance the stakes by including a moment where Rosenberg reacts to the implications of his choices. Perhaps he could express a moment of despair or hope that reflects his internal conflict about the legal options presented.
  • Use the setting of the jail more effectively to reflect the characters' emotions. For instance, the oppressive atmosphere could be mirrored in the characters' body language or the way they interact with their surroundings.
  • Consider adding a moment of foreshadowing regarding the hanging that is about to take place. This could serve to heighten the tension and remind the audience of the grim reality of the situation.



Scene 4 -  The Final Judgment
7 INT. NEWGATE HANGING ROOM - DAY 7
Marshall stops in his tracks as the harrowed face of the
CONDEMNED WOMAN (early 20’s) makes eye contact with him.
She could be the twin sister of Lillie Langtree. The same
wide eyed expression. Her full lips and luxuriant hair
hanging around the shoulders. Beautiful but aged by life.
Marshall looks at her bright yellow dress which seems
incongruous against the gloom and dark uniforms of the
priest, the hangman, and his helper.
Marshall and the woman exchange one last look before the
hangman slowly places the hood over her face.
CONDEMNED WOMAN
(confused, angry)
I shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t me.
The executioner spends a few moments checking the length of
the rope around the woman's neck.
Marshall looks quizzically at Gill.
CHARLIE GILL
(hushed tone)
If the drop is too long it will
partially remove the head and the
executioner can’t sell her clothes.
Marshall looks appalled but is compelled to watch.
The preacher says his final words.
PRIEST
Will you join with me in prayer to
ask for God’s forgiveness?
Several PRISONERS cross themselves next to a coffin.
CONDEMNED WOMAN
It wasn’t me killed ‘im. It was....
The executioner pulls the lever. She falls to her death with
a sickening CRACK of the spinal column echoing off the walls.
Marshall and Gill watch in real time as her legs continue to
kick for twenty seconds. Finally, they stop and like
everything else in the room she is still.
The yellow dress slowly turns to orange as blood seeps down
from above and mixes into the fabric.
The woman’s body is cut down.
The hangman inspects the dress and shakes his head.
HANGMAN
Not worth the trouble.
The prisoners place her inside the casket which is much too
large for her petite frame.
A lid is placed on top of the casket and one prisoner drives
nails in to secure it.
Marshall is distant as he watches the casket being carried to
a cart which already has six others on board.
GUARD#2 hands the prisoners shovels, and they follow as the
cart slowly moves off.
Gill looks to Marshall. His eyes are tearful.
CHARLIE GILL
I am so sorry. I didn’t realise.
I THINK WE NEED TO BE SPECIFIC M HASN’T SEEN A HANGING BEFORE
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In the grim Newgate Hanging Room, Marshall witnesses the execution of a Condemned Woman who resembles Lillie Langtree. Despite her desperate claims of innocence, the hangman prepares for her death, and a priest offers a final prayer. The execution is brutal, leaving her bloodied in her yellow dress, which the hangman deems unworthy. As her body is placed in a casket, Marshall is left horrified and emotionally distant, while Gill expresses regret for not grasping the situation's severity.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of shock and sadness through its depiction of a hanging, eliciting strong emotions from the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of portraying a hanging in a historical setting is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively explores themes of injustice, desperation, and the harsh realities of the time.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the introduction of the case of Gideon Rosenberg and the harsh treatment of the condemned woman. The scene sets up future conflicts and establishes the tone for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of death and justice, with authentic character reactions and dialogue that feel true to the setting and time period.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Marshall, Charlie Gill, and the condemned woman are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their reactions to the events unfolding. Their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and perspectives, the scene primarily focuses on their reactions to the events rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with witnessing a hanging for the first time and grappling with the emotions it evokes in him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fulfill his duty as a law enforcement officer and witness the execution of the condemned woman.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their emotions and the moral implications of the hanging. The tension is palpable, adding to the overall impact of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing moral and emotional challenges that are difficult to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the condemned woman's life hangs in the balance and the characters are forced to confront the harsh realities of the justice system.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, establishing the tone and themes of the narrative, and setting up future conflicts and dilemmas for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge with the characters' reactions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of capital punishment and the protagonist's personal beliefs about justice and mercy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, shock, and sympathy in the audience. The portrayal of the condemned woman's final moments is particularly poignant.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, conveying the despair and desperation of the condemned woman and the emotional turmoil of the onlookers. It effectively adds depth to the characters and the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional impact and the moral dilemmas it presents to the characters and audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic and intense moment, building tension and emotion effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a grim atmosphere, highlighting the stark contrast between the condemned woman's beauty and the dark, oppressive setting of the hanging room. This juxtaposition serves to evoke sympathy for her plight, which is a strong emotional hook for the audience.
  • The dialogue from the condemned woman is powerful, expressing her confusion and anger, which adds depth to her character in a very short amount of time. However, the scene could benefit from more context about her situation to enhance the audience's emotional investment.
  • The description of the execution process is visceral and impactful, but it may be too graphic for some audiences. The sickening crack of the spinal column and the prolonged kicking of the legs could be toned down or implied rather than explicitly stated to maintain the emotional weight without overwhelming the viewer.
  • The character of Charlie Gill provides a necessary contrast to Marshall's horror, but his line about the executioner's concerns regarding the dress feels somewhat jarring in the context of such a serious moment. This could detract from the gravity of the scene and may come off as dark humor that doesn't land well.
  • The visual imagery of the yellow dress turning to orange as blood seeps into it is striking and symbolic, but it could be further emphasized to enhance the thematic elements of innocence lost and the brutality of the justice system. This could be tied back to Marshall's emotional state to create a more cohesive narrative thread.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief backstory or context for the condemned woman to deepen the audience's understanding of her character and the circumstances leading to her execution. This could be done through a flashback or a brief dialogue exchange with Marshall.
  • Evaluate the balance of graphic content in the scene. While the visceral nature of the hanging is impactful, consider whether some details could be implied rather than shown to maintain the emotional intensity without overwhelming the audience.
  • Rework Charlie Gill's dialogue to ensure it aligns with the tone of the scene. If humor is intended, it should be more subtle and less jarring, perhaps reflecting a nervous tension rather than a flippant remark about the executioner's concerns.
  • Enhance the emotional connection between Marshall and the condemned woman by incorporating more of his internal thoughts or reactions throughout the scene. This could help the audience feel his horror and empathy more deeply.
  • Strengthen the visual symbolism of the yellow dress by incorporating more descriptive language that ties it to themes of innocence and loss, perhaps reflecting Marshall's own feelings about justice and morality in the face of such brutality.



Scene 5 -  Tension at the Thames
8 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CUSTOMS POST - NIGHT 8
We are high above the moonlit Thames bisecting the city like
a silver ribbon. Ships bob at anchor as we descend towards
the customs pier on the Embankment near Blackfriars.
A uniformed customs officer BILLY SNEDDON (mid 30's) is
pacing up and down nervously outside the IMMIGRATION HUT.
He finishes one cigarette before quickly lighting another
one. He glances toward a BLACK CARRIAGE parked on the road
above the pier, and we cut on his look to..

9 INT. EMBANKMENT - POLICE CARRIAGE - NIGHT 9
Inside the carriage INSPECTOR FRED ABBERLINE and SERGEANT
SAMMY CUNNINGHAM sit watching.
Abberline raises a spyglass to his eye. Through the spyglass
we focus on Billy Sneddon.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE (O/S)
I hope Billy doesn’t fuck this up.

10 EXT. LONDON EMBANKMENT PIER - CUSTOMS POST - NIGHT 10
Billy checks his gold pocket watch, then gazes downriver,
where he sees, with some relief...

11 EXT. RIVER THAMES - THE CORMORANT - - NIGHT 11
The FRENCH FLAGGED SHIP "CORMORANT" piercing the gloom as
she appears from under Blackfriars Bridge.
Guy Fawkes fireworks light the sky as the ship approaches.

12 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - QUAYSIDE - NIGHT 12
LATER. The CORMORANT is now docked.
The quayside is busy with human and carriage traffic.
Bright lamps shine from a pair of TWO HORSE CARRIAGES as they
arrive at the quayside. They bear the crest of LORD SOMERSET.

13 INT. EMBANKMENT PIER - POLICE CARRIAGE - NIGHT 13
Abberline swings the spyglass around and across the quayside.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Somerset. Here we go.

14 EXT. CORMORANT SAILING SHIP - DECK - NIGHT 14
The SECOND MATE is assembling TEENAGERS on the deck.

15 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - QUAYSIDE - NIGHT 15
LORD SOMERSET (28) tall with a military bearing, steps out
from the first carriage. He turns, faces the second carriage.
LORD SOMERSET
Inspect the livestock Doctor Scyth.
DOCTOR SCYTH (O.S.)
Yes, my Lord.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Under the moonlit sky, customs officer Billy Sneddon anxiously awaits the arrival of the French-flagged ship 'Cormorant' at the Embankment Pier. Inspector Fred Abberline observes Sneddon's nervous pacing, expressing concern about his performance. As fireworks light up the night, the ship docks, bringing a flurry of activity to the quayside. Lord Somerset arrives and orders Doctor Scyth to inspect the livestock, heightening the tension as Sneddon prepares for the ship's arrival.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot development
  • Strong character interactions
  • Tense and mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some characters may need further development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and tense tone, introducing key characters and plot elements while maintaining a high level of engagement.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a pivotal moment at the customs post by the Thames, is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging and moves forward with the introduction of key characters and the setup of a mysterious situation, keeping the audience intrigued.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on a historical setting, with unique characters and a compelling conflict. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Character Changes: 7

There are hints of potential character changes and growth, especially as the scene sets up conflicts and dilemmas for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to successfully oversee the customs inspection and ensure everything goes smoothly. This reflects his desire for competence and professionalism.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to inspect the French ship 'Cormorant' and ensure that all procedures are followed correctly. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a foreign vessel and its cargo.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces conflicts related to the arrival of the ship and the interactions between characters, setting the stage for further tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from both external forces and internal conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the scene hints at potential conflicts, mysteries, and dangers that the characters will have to navigate, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points and setting up future developments, maintaining a strong narrative momentum.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown outcome of the customs inspection and the potential conflicts that may arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between following orders and maintaining integrity. The protagonist must balance his loyalty to his superiors with his own moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

While the scene is more focused on tension and mystery, there is a subtle emotional undercurrent that adds depth to the characters and situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to reveal character motivations and advance the plot, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing characters, and high stakes. The reader is drawn into the mystery and tension of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a historical drama, with clear scene headings and descriptions that set the tone.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined locations and character actions. It effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere with the high aerial view of the Thames and the nervous pacing of Billy Sneddon. However, the transition from the customs officer's anxiety to the police carriage could be smoother to maintain the tension.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for building suspense, but it could benefit from more internal conflict or thoughts from Billy Sneddon to deepen the audience's connection to his character. This would help to convey his stakes more clearly.
  • The introduction of Lord Somerset and Doctor Scyth feels abrupt. While it establishes their authority, the scene could use a brief moment to highlight their significance in the narrative, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a visual cue that hints at their intentions.
  • The use of fireworks as a backdrop is visually striking, but it could be tied more closely to the narrative. For instance, a line of dialogue from Abberline or Cunningham could reference the fireworks, creating a thematic link between celebration and the darker events unfolding.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition between the various locations (from the customs post to the police carriage to the ship) could be more fluid. Consider using more transitional phrases or actions that connect these locations to enhance the flow.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief internal monologue or a moment of reflection for Billy Sneddon to express his fears or doubts about the task at hand, which would create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Introduce Lord Somerset and Doctor Scyth with a line that hints at their motivations or the implications of their actions, making their presence more impactful.
  • Incorporate a line of dialogue from Abberline or Cunningham that acknowledges the fireworks, creating a contrast between the celebratory atmosphere and the tension of the scene.
  • Consider adding a visual element that connects the characters more directly, such as a close-up of Sneddon's anxious face as he watches the approaching ship, to heighten the suspense.
  • Ensure smoother transitions between locations by using action beats or dialogue that naturally lead the audience from one setting to the next, maintaining the scene's momentum.



Scene 6 -  A Night of Hope and Defiance
16 INT/EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - SECOND CARRIAGE - NIGHT 16
Doctor GILES SCYTH (40's), takes another sip from his hip
flask before hauling his rotund frame down from the carriage.

17 EXT. CORMORANT SAILING SHIP - DECK - NIGHT 17
The wet deck of Cormorant is illuminated as the teenagers
gaze up wide-eyed at the exploding fireworks in the dark sky.

18 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - QUAYSIDE - NIGHT 18
Somerset turns shouts to THE DRIVER of the second carriage
LORD SOMERSET
Mr. Fox, get them disembarked.

19 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - SECOND COACH. NIGHT 19
Coachman JUDAS FOX (26), a hard menacing looking man, jumps
down and strides over to the jetty.

20 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - QUAYSIDE - NIGHT 20
Raucous ROYAL NAVY SAILORS pass by the immigration post
heading to the sounds coming from Wiltons Music Hall.

21 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - JETTY. NIGHT 21
Lord Somerset holds a paraffin lamp as TWENTY FOUR TEENAGERS
cross the gangplank. They are a mix of African and French.

22 INT. EMBANKMENT PIER - POLICE CARRIAGE - NIGHT 22
POLICE COACHMAN
Inspector Abberline, the men are in
place. Just say the word.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Thanks Charlie.
Abberline watches the Teenagers through his spyglass.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE (CONT'D)
Poor sods. Most are snatched or
convinced London is paved with gold
and all promised well paid jobs.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Selling sex is well paid. For some.

They each smile at the irony.


23 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CORMORANT GANGPLANK - NIGHT 23

Siblings VERONIQUE(15) and HENRI DUBOIS(14),part of the line
up of immigrants on the dock are nervous.
DR.SCYTH moves along the line. He begins checking for lice,
the quality of teeth, then pats then down for signs of
Rickets. Veronique sees Scyth touching up the girls.

VERONIQUE DUBOIS
Stay close to me.

HENRI DUBOIS
(in French)
What if they won't let us work
Veronique? Where will we go?

VERONIQUE DUBOIS
Speak English Henri. Remember what
Papa said. Head back. Look
confident and we will be hire

Finally he arrives in front of her and grabs her breasts. She
slaps him hard across the face.

VERONIQUE DUBOIS (CONT'D)
You are a pig!

DOCTOR SCYTH
You’ll get used to it.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary At the embankment pier, Doctor Giles Scyth inspects a group of nervous teenagers arriving on the Cormorant sailing ship, while Lord Somerset oversees the disembarkation. Inspector Abberline watches with concern as the teenagers, misled about opportunities in London, face a grim reality. During the inspection, Scyth inappropriately touches Veronique Dubois, who fiercely slaps him in defiance, asserting her strength against his advances. The scene is set against a backdrop of fireworks, highlighting the tension and uncertainty of the teenagers' future.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of historical setting and immigration process
  • Compelling conflicts and tensions introduced
  • Strong emotional impact on audience
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of immigrants
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets the tone for the harsh realities of the time period, introduces important characters and conflicts, and builds suspense for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the immigration inspection process and the struggles of immigrants in historical London is compelling and sets the scene for future conflicts and character development.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, introducing key conflicts and tensions that will drive the narrative forward. It sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the historical setting by focusing on the exploitation and abuse of immigrants, particularly young teenagers. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts hint at potential growth and development for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronique's internal goal is to protect herself and her brother from exploitation and abuse in this new environment. This reflects her deeper need for safety, security, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find work and survive in the harsh conditions of 19th century London. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing as immigrants.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the struggles of the immigrants to the tensions between characters. It sets the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and moral dilemmas that add depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the struggles of the immigrants, the tensions between characters, and the looming conflicts that will impact the outcome of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, tensions, and characters that will drive the narrative. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the exploitation and abuse of vulnerable immigrants and the characters' moral values. Veronique's defiance against abuse challenges the societal norms of the time.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, desperation, and defiance in the characters, creating an emotional impact on the audience. It sets the tone for the challenges ahead.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions of the scene, with realistic interactions between the characters. It sets the tone for future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling conflict, strong character dynamics, and a sense of urgency and danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the conflict and tension while advancing the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere, highlighting the vulnerability of the teenagers arriving in London. The contrast between the excitement of the fireworks and the grim reality of their situation is well done, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • The dialogue between Veronique and Henri Dubois adds depth to their characters, showcasing their sibling bond and the anxiety they feel about their future. However, the dialogue could be more natural and less expository, particularly in Veronique's lines about confidence and their father's advice.
  • Doctor Scyth's inappropriate behavior is a critical moment that underscores the predatory nature of some characters in the story. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional response from Veronique after the slap, which would enhance the impact of the moment and provide insight into her character's strength and resilience.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the paraffin lamp and the gangplank, effectively sets the scene, but the descriptions could be more vivid to immerse the audience further. For example, describing the sounds of the bustling quayside or the smells of the dock could enhance the sensory experience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the arrival of the teenagers to Doctor Scyth's inspection. Slowing down the moment to allow for more character interaction or internal thoughts could heighten the tension and emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Veronique's dialogue to sound more authentic and less like exposition. Instead of directly stating their father's advice, show their relationship through their actions and reactions.
  • Add a moment of reflection for Veronique after she slaps Doctor Scyth, allowing her to process the violation and assert her agency. This could be a powerful character moment that resonates with the audience.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by incorporating more descriptions of the environment, such as the sounds of the city, the smell of the sea, or the feel of the cold night air, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more character development and tension-building. Consider adding a brief moment where the teenagers exchange worried glances or share their fears before the inspection begins.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters further, particularly between Lord Somerset and Doctor Scyth. Adding a line or two that hints at their relationship could provide more context for their actions and motivations.



Scene 7 -  A Divided Fate
24 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - IMMIGRATION HUT - NIGHT 24

MOMENTS LATER:

Billy Sneddon checks the papers of Veronique and Henri
Dubois. They are in order.

BILLY SNEDDON
Parlez-vous Anglais?

Veronique and Henri smile upon hearing their native tongue.

HENRI DUBOIS
Yes, sir, we both do.
BILLY SNEDDON
Why did you come to London?
VERONIQUE DUBOIS
The big hotels need staff.
Billy is overwhelmed with empathy, something about Veronique
moves him to the core. HE LOOKS BACK TO THEIR DOCUMENTS.
Judas Fox is standing by with the next group of teenagers.
JUDAS FOX
Oi. Get moving what’s the hold up?
BILLY SNEDDON (A DECISION)
These papers are forgeries.
JUDAS FOX
What business is that of yours?.
VERONIQUE DUBOIS
They are genuine sir.
BILLY SNEDDON
(to Fox)
If you are going to traffic
children, get the paperwork right.
Fox steps forward, grinning.
JUDAS FOX
This livestock is property of his
Lordship. They are coming with me.
Fox holds up cash notes to Sneddon, who glares with disdain.
BILLY SNEDDON
(raised voice)
These two leave on the next tide.
VERONIQUE DUBOIS
We wish to work. Don't send us back
to France. Please.
Somerset, alerted by the commotion, paces over to the
immigration hut. He narrows his eyes at Sneddon.
LORD SOMERSET
Who the fuck are you?
BILLY SNEDDON
Billy Sneddon, my Lord.
LORD SOMERSET
Well, Sneddon, you must be new.
Billy stands firm, eye to eye with this arrogant man.
BILLY SNEDDON
If you send these two back to Paris
the others can stay.
Veronique Dubois catches Lord Somerset's eye.
LORD SOMERSET
They said want to stay.
BILLY SNEDDON
Because they don't know what
happens to them next.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
You girl. What is your name?
Veronique holds her head high, locks eyes with Somerset.
VERONIQUE DUBOIS
Dubois sir. Veronique Dubois. This
is my brother Henri.
LORD SOMERSET
You will come to Fleur de Lis with
me. Henri will go with Mr. Fox.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary At an immigration hut on a dark night, Billy Sneddon checks the papers of Veronique and Henri Dubois, feeling empathy for their plight as they seek work in London. When Judas Fox attempts to take them for trafficking, Sneddon stands firm against his bribes, insisting they should not be sent back to France. However, Lord Somerset arrives, questioning Sneddon's authority and ultimately deciding to separate the siblings, sending Veronique with him while Henri is taken by Fox, leaving a tense and dramatic atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in the confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and empathy for the characters while introducing a significant conflict and power struggle. The dialogue and character dynamics are engaging, contributing to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring immigration issues, exploitation, and power dynamics in a historical setting is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces these themes and sets up further conflict and development.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, introducing a significant conflict and power struggle that adds depth to the overall narrative. The scene moves the story forward while setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of human trafficking and immigration control, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with Veronique Dubois standing out as a defiant and empathetic figure. The interactions between the officers and Lord Somerset add layers to the character dynamics, enhancing the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Veronique Dubois undergoes a subtle change as she stands up against inappropriate behavior and asserts her defiance. This change adds depth to her character and sets up potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to show empathy and protect Veronique and Henri Dubois from being trafficked. This reflects his deeper need to do what is morally right and protect those in need.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent Veronique and Henri from being trafficked and ensure their safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising between the officers, Lord Somerset, and the teenagers. The power struggle and defiance add intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power struggles that create uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the fate of the teenagers hanging in the balance. The power struggle and exploitation add urgency and tension to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, themes, and character dynamics. It sets up future developments and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected decisions and power dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between doing what is morally right and following the orders of authority figures. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and compassion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, eliciting empathy for the characters and concern for their plight. Veronique's defiance adds an emotional depth to the scene, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying tension, empathy, and defiance effectively. The exchanges between the characters reveal their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense conflict, emotional stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense conflict between Billy Sneddon and Judas Fox, highlighting the moral dilemma faced by Sneddon as he confronts the exploitation of Veronique and Henri Dubois. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Sneddon's empathy for the siblings is clear, but it could be deepened by showing more of his internal struggle or backstory that informs his decision-making.
  • The character of Lord Somerset is introduced as an antagonist, but his motivations and personality could be fleshed out further. As it stands, he appears somewhat one-dimensional. Adding a line or two that reveals his perspective or justifies his actions could make him a more compelling character.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from Sneddon's empathy to his confrontation with Fox. A moment of hesitation or reflection from Sneddon could heighten the tension and make his decision to stand up against Fox more impactful.
  • Veronique's plea to Sneddon is powerful, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more emotional weight. Perhaps she could share a brief personal anecdote about their life in France or express her fears about what might happen if they are sent back, which would make her plea resonate more with the audience.
  • The dialogue sometimes feels expository, particularly in Sneddon's lines about the paperwork and trafficking. Finding ways to convey this information more organically through character interactions or actions could improve the flow and maintain audience engagement.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of internal conflict for Sneddon before he confronts Fox, perhaps through a brief flashback or a line that hints at his past experiences with similar situations.
  • Develop Lord Somerset's character by giving him a line that reveals his motivations or justifies his actions, making him a more nuanced antagonist.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly to allow for more dramatic tension, particularly in Sneddon's decision-making process. A moment of hesitation could amplify the stakes.
  • Enhance Veronique's emotional plea by incorporating a personal story or fear that illustrates the stakes of their situation, making her character more relatable and sympathetic.
  • Revise the dialogue to reduce exposition and instead convey necessary information through character actions or more natural conversations, which will help maintain the scene's momentum.



Scene 8 -  Chaos at the Quayside
25 EXT. EMBANKMENT QUAYSIDE - NIGHT 25
SUDDENLY the air is riven by the sound of POLICE WHISTLES and
POLICE BOOTS crashing on cobbles.
Abberline and Cunningham appear above the scene looking down.
TWENTY POLICEMEN make their presence known.
SHOUTS of “HOLD” “STAY WHERE YOU ARE”
VERONIQUE DUBOIS
(in French)
Run, we have been tricked.
The teenagers scatter in all direction evading capture.
SOMERSET runs for his CARRIAGE.
Policemen weilding billy clubs make arrests as SOMERSET locks
his coach door.

26 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CUSTOMS HUT - NIGHT 26
A GUNSHOT rings out. The BULLET strikes the steel band around
a ships barrel and ricochets.
The BULLET grazes Billy’s left temple knocking him to his
knees.
Billy Sneddon is groggy.Blood runs into his eyes.
We see and hear the chaos through the kaleidoscope of his
senses. He staggers out onto the pier.
Inspector Abberline shouts out to Billy Sneddon.
ABBERLINE
Get away from here now.
Somerset hears this as his coach sets off at pace.
LORD SOMERSET
(screaming from his
window)
Fox...shoot that bastard....
Judas Fox comes running out of nowhere. His revolver is
raised pointing at Sneddon’s face. He pulls the trigger but
CUNNINGHAM rugby tackles him to the ground.
The bullet strikes a police officer standing behind Billy,
who falls to the ground. Fox scarpers. Firing again at Billy
as he goes.
CUNNINGHAM
Run.............
SNEDDON LEGS IT, a kerchief held to his wound, as Cunningham
gives chase to Fox.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary As twenty policemen storm the quayside, a group of teenagers, led by Veronique Dubois, scramble to escape. Amid the chaos, a gunshot strikes Billy Sneddon, prompting Inspector Abberline to urge him to flee while Lord Somerset commands his men to shoot. In the ensuing turmoil, Judas Fox attempts to shoot Billy but is tackled by Cunningham, resulting in a stray bullet hitting a police officer. Billy manages to escape, wounded, as Cunningham chases after Fox, leaving the scene filled with tension and urgency.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Certain character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends tension, action, and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dramatic incident at the pier involving multiple characters with conflicting motivations is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing high stakes and escalating conflict that will have repercussions on the story's development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to a chaotic chase sequence, with unique character dynamics and moral conflicts that add depth to the story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions in this scene are consistent with their established personalities, adding layers to their development.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly in their perceptions of trust and loyalty.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and escape. This reflects his fear of being caught or harmed in the chaotic situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture and stay alive amidst the chaos and danger surrounding him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, heightening the tension and driving the characters' actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles, conflicting goals, and unpredictable outcomes that create suspense and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters' lives on the line and the outcome having far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character choices, and escalating danger that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the moral dilemma of survival at all costs versus risking one's life to help others in need. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about self-preservation and altruism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes fear, empathy, and defiance in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional connection.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the scene forward with tension and conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency, escalating tension, and keeping the audience invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear pacing and escalating tension that keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the sudden arrival of police and the ensuing chaos, which is a strong way to engage the audience. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The emotional stakes for Veronique and Henri could be better established to enhance the audience's investment in their fate.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which can work in a high-tension scene, but it may benefit from a few more lines that express the characters' emotions or fears. For instance, Veronique's warning could be expanded to convey her desperation more vividly.
  • The action sequences are dynamic, particularly the gunshot and the subsequent chaos. However, the clarity of the action could be improved. For example, when the bullet grazes Billy's temple, it might be helpful to describe his immediate reaction or thoughts to ground the audience in his perspective.
  • The character of Lord Somerset comes off as villainous, but his motivations could be more clearly articulated. Adding a line or two that hints at his intentions or feelings about the situation could add depth to his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is fast, which is appropriate for the action, but it may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A brief moment of stillness or reflection from Billy Sneddon after he is shot could provide a necessary pause and heighten the emotional impact of the chaos.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or internal monologue for Veronique that highlights her fear and urgency, making her warning more impactful.
  • Clarify the action sequences by including more sensory details from Billy's perspective, such as his thoughts or feelings as he is shot and the chaos unfolds around him.
  • Introduce a line or two from Lord Somerset that reveals his motivations or feelings about the situation, which could add complexity to his character.
  • Incorporate a moment of stillness or reflection for Billy after he is shot, allowing the audience to process the chaos and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Ensure that the transitions between scenes are smoother, perhaps by including a brief visual or auditory cue that connects the previous scene's emotional weight to the chaos of this one.



Scene 9 -  Shadows of Legislation
27 EXT. HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT – NIGHT - AERIAL SHOT 27
The illuminated Parliament Buildings reflect off the Thames,
rippled by a passing steamship heading east.
LORDS SPEAKER (O/S)
We now begin the committee scrutiny
of the Criminal Law Amendment Act,
eighteen eighty five.

28 INT. HOUSE OF LORDS, COMMITTEE CHAMBER – NIGHT 28
A NIGHT SITTING as the SPEAKER addresses the Lords.
LORDS SPEAKER
I call upon Lord Labouchere to
outline the key provisions.
LORD LABOUCHERE (42) turns to MARSHALL seated behind him.
LORD LABOUCHERE
Crib sheet?
MARSHALL hands over several note cards.
MARSHALL
Follow the order as each point
builds on the last. I have included
justifications for each section.
Labouchere reviews the notes and frowns.
LORD LABOUCHERE
I don’t see the justification
points for Section Eleven?
MARSHALL
(Dryly)
That’s because there are no
justifications for section eleven.
LORD LABOUCHERE
Be ready to step in as soon as they
start asking questions.
MARSHALL
Don’t parade me Henry. Everyone
already thinks I got the job of
drafting this Bill out of nepotism.
Labouchere is a shameless operator without conscience.
LORD LABOUCHERE
The entire British Empire is built
on nepotism. Think yourself lucky I
married your sister.
LORDS SPEAKER
Are you ready, my Lord?
LABOUCHERE stands to addresses the chamber.
LORD LABOUCHERE
My Lords, the Criminal Law
Amendment Act seeks to address the
decline in morality, social
deviancy and the manipulation of
the vulnerable.
MARSHALL NOTICES a sweating LORD SOMERSET enter the chamber.
We surmise he has rushed to the commons to cement an alibi
for the evening.
LORD LABOUCHERE (CONT'D)
We have all read W.T. Stead’s
terrifying article in the Pal Mall
Gazette entitled "The Maiden
Tribute of Modern Babylon," which
exposes child exploitation and
prostitution.
SOMERSET finds his place on the benches and wipes his brow,
smiling and nodding to his friends on the benches, making
sure everyone knows he is there..
LORD LABOUCHERE (CONT'D)
The Act includes measures to combat
the trafficking of children and
young women for the purposes of
sexual exploitation. We must stop
the White Slave Trade.


29 EXT. BLACKFRIARS EMBANKMENT - NIGHT 29

Billy runs along the Embankment towards Blackfriars before
stopping in an alleyway. He tries to hold his breath, but the
sound of his heart is preventing him hearing if he is still
being chased.

SNEDDON staggers on towards a brightly lit building with the
sound of music and revelry seeping from its windows, WILTONS
MUSIC HALL.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In a tense night scene at the House of Lords, Lord Labouchere presents the Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885, grappling with the moral implications of child exploitation while questioning the justification for its provisions. His aide, Marshall, feels uneasy about his role amidst accusations of nepotism. Meanwhile, Lord Somerset enters late, hinting at ulterior motives. Outside, Billy frantically evades pursuers, and Sneddon heads towards a music hall, creating a stark contrast between the political discussions and the urgent dangers faced by individuals in society. The scene culminates in suspense as Billy hides in an alley, leaving the audience questioning the fates of the characters.
Strengths
  • Strong exposition of key legislation
  • Effective establishment of character dynamics
  • Tension-filled political interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in the scene
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear purpose of introducing the Criminal Law Amendment Act and showcasing the political tensions and personal dynamics between the characters. The execution is solid, effectively conveying the seriousness of the subject matter.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of introducing a pivotal piece of legislation while exploring themes of morality, exploitation, and social deviancy is compelling and relevant to the historical context of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the introduction of the Criminal Law Amendment Act and the conflicts it sets up between characters like Lord Labouchere and Marshall.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its historical setting, nuanced characters, and exploration of social issues. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflicts and dynamics within the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lord Labouchere's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and authority over the committee scrutiny of the Criminal Law Amendment Act. This reflects his deeper desire for power, influence, and recognition.

External Goal: 7

Lord Labouchere's external goal in this scene is to present the key provisions of the Criminal Law Amendment Act and address the decline in morality and social deviancy. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the legal and societal issues at hand.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both politically and personally, as characters clash over the Act and their own agendas.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, power struggles, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of the potential impact of the Criminal Law Amendment Act on society, as well as the personal and political consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key legislation, establishing character dynamics, and setting up conflicts that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected character actions. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the concepts of morality, social responsibility, and exploitation. Lord Labouchere's belief in addressing social issues clashes with the nepotism and corruption present in the British Empire.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits empathy for the exploited children and tension surrounding the political debates, but the emotional impact is somewhat subdued compared to more personal or intense moments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to reveal character traits, political tensions, and thematic elements related to the Act and its implications.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its historical setting, political intrigue, and moral dilemmas. The sharp dialogue and character dynamics keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and advancing the plot. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. The shift from the chaotic chase involving Billy Sneddon to the formal setting of the House of Lords could benefit from a smoother narrative bridge to maintain the audience's engagement and understanding of the stakes involved.
  • The dialogue between Lord Labouchere and Marshall effectively establishes their relationship and the tension surrounding the drafting of the Bill. However, Marshall's dry humor about nepotism feels slightly out of place in such a serious context. It might be more impactful if his tone reflected the gravity of the situation, especially given the subject matter of the legislation being discussed.
  • The characterization of Lord Labouchere as a shameless operator is clear, but it could be enhanced by showing more of his manipulative nature through actions rather than just dialogue. For instance, a subtle gesture or a moment of eye contact with other Lords could convey his political savvy and lack of conscience more effectively.
  • The introduction of Lord Somerset is intriguing, but his motivations and the implications of his presence could be more explicitly tied to the ongoing narrative. A brief internal thought from Marshall about Somerset's reputation or past actions could deepen the audience's understanding of the stakes involved.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven; the formalities of the House of Lords contrast sharply with the urgency of Sneddon's situation. This could create a dissonance for the audience. Consider intercutting between the two scenes more frequently to heighten tension and maintain narrative momentum.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief transitional moment or visual cue that connects the chaos of the previous scene with the calm of the House of Lords, perhaps showing the aftermath of the chase or a lingering sense of danger.
  • Consider adjusting Marshall's dialogue to reflect a more serious tone, emphasizing the weight of the legislation and the lives it affects, rather than focusing on his personal insecurities.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements to illustrate Lord Labouchere's manipulative nature, such as him subtly directing the attention of other Lords or using body language to assert dominance.
  • Include a moment of internal conflict or reflection for Marshall regarding Lord Somerset's presence, which could foreshadow future complications and deepen the narrative stakes.
  • Intercut between the House of Lords and Sneddon's escape more frequently to create a parallel tension, allowing the audience to feel the urgency of both situations and how they may intersect.



Scene 10 -  Confrontation in the Chamber
30 INT. HOUSE OF LORDS, COMMITTEE CHAMBER – EVENING 30

LORD SOMERSET is now standing addressing questions to LORD
LABOUCHERE, making a big show of his interest.

LORD SOMERSET
By trafficking you mean shipping
people to England to find work?

LORD LABOUCHERE
The Act brings in stricter measures
against brothel owners and targets
those involved in the abduction,
procurement and oppression of women
and girls for prostitution.

Newspaper owner LORD NORTHCLIFFE (32)a debonair journalistic
crusader has a question.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
What about the age of consent?

MARSHALL
(under his breath)
It goes from thirteen to sixteen.

LORD LABOUCHERE
It goes from thirteen to sixteen.

LORD SOMERSET
Are you closing the Molly Houses?
LORD LABOUCHERE
An epidemic of depraved
homosexuality is sweeping England.
Their Lordships express veiled support for this homophobia.
LORD LABOUCHERE (CONT'D)
My Section Eleven amendment to the
Act criminalises Gross Indecency
between men in public or private.

Grumbles ripple through the chamber.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
How is gross indecency defined?
LABOUCHERE gestures to MARSHALL to answer. He stands.

MARSHALL
It isn’t. The Police will use their
judgement. Any act considered to be
gross indecency, will carry a
sentence of two years imprisonment.

From the sounds of it, this sentence is considered harsh.

LORD SOMERSET
This legislation threatens the very
existence of my family shipping
empire which employs thousands.

FOCUS on LORD NORTHCLIFFE listening to SOMERSET with an
undisguised look of contempt.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE (STANDING)
Yes, the Somerset's have been slave
trading for centuries and it didn’t
stop after the abolition.

Cries of “Rah, Rah” and “Shame” clash.
LORD SOMERSET
It is called supply and demand.
Whoring is the worlds oldest
profession. It won’t be stopped. We
must let the market decide.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
We are talking about human lives.

LORD SOMERSET
Anything said here is privileged
but repeat any of it outside this
house and I’ll sue you and your
newspaper into the dark ages.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
My newspaper will print the truth
without fear or favour.
LORD SOMERSET
You will regret making me an enemy,
Sir.
SOMERSET storms out, cronies trailing behind.
MARSHALL and NORTHCLIFFE lock eyes. NORTHCLIFFE nods his
approval to the young lawyer.
MOMENTS LATER:
The chamber is emptying. LABOUCHERE talks to a group of
supporters. MARSHALL waits for him, NORTHCLIFFE approaches.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
That is a well drafted Bill. I
appreciate a well turned phrase.
MARSHALL
Thank you Lord Northcliffe..
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Alfred.
MARSHALL
Alfred. I am a great admirer of
your own turns of phrase! Your
editorials are superb.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Thank you.Do you box?
MARSHALL
I do.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Then join me at my gym.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Political Drama"]

Summary In the House of Lords Committee Chamber, tensions flare as Lord Somerset questions Lord Labouchere about a new Act aimed at combating human trafficking and prostitution. Somerset defends his family's shipping empire amidst accusations from Lord Northcliffe regarding the morality of trafficking and the recent change in the age of consent. The confrontation escalates, leading Somerset to threaten legal action against Northcliffe before storming out. Despite the conflict, Northcliffe and Marshall share a moment of camaraderie, with Northcliffe inviting Marshall to the gym.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the debate surrounding the Act. It effectively conveys the tension and controversy surrounding the proposed legislation, drawing the audience into the political and moral dilemmas presented.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around the debate over the Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885, exploring themes of morality, sexuality, and human trafficking. It effectively sets up the central conflict and introduces key plot points that will drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the discussion of the Act and the differing perspectives of the characters involved. It moves the story forward by introducing important legislative changes and highlighting the moral complexities of the time period.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to discussing historical and ethical issues, blending political drama with moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities and conflicting motivations. Each character contributes to the debate in a meaningful way, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and debates may influence the characters' future decisions and relationships. The conflicting viewpoints could lead to personal growth or conflict resolution in later scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to defend his family's shipping empire and justify their involvement in the slave trade. This reflects his deeper need for power, control, and preservation of his family's legacy.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to oppose the legislation that threatens his family's business and reputation. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in defending his interests in the political arena.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with intense debates and power struggles unfolding between the characters. The conflicting viewpoints and personal stakes add depth and tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, power struggles, and moral dilemmas that create uncertainty and tension. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters debate controversial legislation that could impact the lives of many individuals. The outcome of the debate will have far-reaching consequences, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key legislative changes and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It establishes the central themes and conflicts that will drive the narrative in subsequent scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions, shifting power dynamics, and moral revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in the market determining morality and the journalist's belief in human rights and justice. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, highlighting the clash between profit and ethics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, defiance, and moral outrage. The contentious nature of the debate may resonate with viewers on a personal or societal level.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, conveying the characters' beliefs and values effectively. It drives the debate forward and reveals the tensions between the different factions within the House of Lords.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, escalating conflicts, and revealing character motivations. The rhythm of dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The scene is well-structured and easy to follow.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected structure for a political drama, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and moral complexities surrounding the legislation being discussed, particularly regarding human trafficking and the exploitation of women. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, with characters stating their positions rather than engaging in a more dynamic debate.
  • The character of Lord Somerset comes off as overly villainous without much nuance. While his defense of the shipping empire is clear, adding layers to his motivations could make him more compelling. Why does he prioritize his business over human lives? Exploring his backstory or personal stakes could enhance his character.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial exchanges are engaging, but the latter part, especially the dialogue between Marshall and Northcliffe, slows down the momentum. This could be improved by interspersing more action or reactions from the other Lords to maintain tension.
  • The use of 'Rah, Rah' and 'Shame' as crowd reactions feels somewhat dated and could be replaced with more contemporary or varied expressions of dissent to better reflect the characters' personalities and the gravity of the situation.
  • Marshall's character is introduced as a reluctant participant in the proceedings, which is interesting, but his internal conflict could be more explicitly stated. This would help the audience connect with his struggle and understand his motivations better.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it feel more natural and less expository. Characters should express their views through conflict and debate rather than simply stating facts.
  • Add depth to Lord Somerset's character by providing a glimpse into his personal stakes or vulnerabilities. This could involve a flashback or a brief moment of reflection that reveals his internal conflict.
  • Increase the pacing by incorporating more reactions from the other Lords during the debate. This could include facial expressions, murmurs, or side conversations that reflect the tension in the room.
  • Replace the 'Rah, Rah' and 'Shame' reactions with more varied and modern expressions of dissent that feel authentic to the characters and the setting.
  • Enhance Marshall's internal conflict by including a brief moment of self-reflection or hesitation before he speaks. This could help the audience understand his reluctance and the weight of the situation he is in.



Scene 11 -  Confrontation at Wilton's
31 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - NIGHT 31
Behind the bar is Landlady MAGGIE CROSS (30's), a fiery Irish
redhead, at home serving the rowdy customers. We track with
her as she navigates the crowd carrying a drink on a tray.
The bar is full of SAILORS in naval uniform. A customer at
the bar leans over to MAGGIE.
CUSTOMER
Where did this lot come from?
MAGGIE CROSS
The Polyphemus, just docked, watch
yerself. Rowdy lot!
TWO UNIFORMED NAVAL lieutenants ANDREWS AND BROWN (20’s), a
pair of pompous bullies are taunting a group of LOCAL
PROSTITUTES with cash they will never spend.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
How much for both of us?
PROSTITUTE
Five bob each. That's for me and
the room. You can do what you like.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
We wouldn't touch you with a barge
pole. You pox ridden whore.
The prostitute is hurt she didn’t see that coming.
Maggie walks past with the drink and notices the vitriol.
MAGGIE CROSS
Hang your heads in shame.Them’s
just honest working girls.
Brown laughs and mocks her and the other girls with a lewd
gesture. There are so many sailors in the bar the outnumbered
regulars remain tight lipped.
We shift focus to..

32 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - FIREPLACE SNUG - NIGHT 32
SARAH SNEDDON (20’s) a beautiful BLACK AFRICAN WOMAN sits
watching JIMMY CROSS (40’s)the landlord of the pub, build a
raging fire.
Jimmy stands with the aid of a crutch and an artificial leg.
The tray arrives with Maggie below and the drink for Sarah.
Maggie kisses JIMMY on the cheek then turns to Sarah.
MAGGIE CROSS
A nice hot toddy for your sniffles.
SARAH SNEDDON
Thanks' Maggie. Billy not here yet?
JIMMY CROSS
Don’t fret. Working late is all.
Maggie goes to the busy bar, joking with drunken sailors.
Sarah gazes into the hypnotic flames of jimmy’s fire.

33 EXT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL. NIGHT 33
Billy is in the alleyway opposite watching what is happening.
Billy is showing signs of PTSD and is becoming paranoid.
Billy spots DR.SCYTH with Somerset's COACHMAN and a couple of
HENCHMEN looking through the window of Wiltons.They are
obviously looking for him. He draws into the shadows.
THE COACHMAN points to another pub further along on the
Embankment. They leave.

34 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - TAP ROOM - NIGHT 34
Lieutenants Andrews and Brown approach other PROSTITUTES.
They are turned down because of their ugly manner.
Finally they spot Sarah sitting alone by the fireplace.
Brown looks at Andrews and they each smile.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Crime"]

Summary At Wilton's Music Hall, landlady Maggie Cross fiercely defends local prostitutes against the taunts of pompous naval lieutenants Andrews and Brown. Meanwhile, Sarah Sneddon waits for her partner Billy, who is outside grappling with PTSD. As tensions rise in the bar, the lieutenants approach Sarah, revealing their disrespectful intentions, while Jimmy Cross tries to reassure her about Billy's absence. The scene is charged with confrontation and vulnerability, ending with the lieutenants' predatory interest in Sarah.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling conflicts
  • Emotional depth
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Stereotypical portrayal of certain characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a tense and dramatic tone, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. It introduces complex characters and conflicts, moving the plot forward significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring societal issues, class dynamics, and personal struggles is well-executed in the scene, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging and moves forward significantly, introducing conflicts and character dynamics that drive the story forward effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a historical setting with a mix of characters from different backgrounds, offering a fresh perspective on social dynamics and power struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that add depth to the scene. Their interactions and conflicts enhance the emotional impact of the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perceptions and behaviors, influenced by the conflicts and struggles they face in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain order and protect the dignity of the working girls in the face of disrespectful behavior from the naval lieutenants. This reflects Maggie's values of fairness and respect for others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the rowdy customers and maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the music hall. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with disruptive behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, adding tension and drama to the narrative. The conflicts drive the character interactions and plot progression.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Maggie and the naval lieutenants creating tension and driving the narrative forward. The audience is left uncertain of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing exploitation, danger, and personal struggles that have significant consequences for their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing key conflicts, character dynamics, and plot developments that shape the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, particularly the naval lieutenants and Maggie, which keep the audience on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of respect and decency represented by Maggie and the entitlement and disrespect displayed by the naval lieutenants. This challenges Maggie's beliefs in fairness and standing up for what is right.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting sympathy, defiance, hurt, and paranoia from the characters. The emotional depth adds layers to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and tensions between the characters. It adds depth to their interactions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the tension and conflict that drive the narrative forward, and the vivid descriptions that immerse the audience in the setting.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains the audience's interest and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the setting of Wilton's Music Hall and introduces key characters, particularly Maggie Cross and the naval lieutenants. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to better reflect the tension between the characters. The taunting of the prostitutes by the lieutenants feels somewhat clichéd and could benefit from more unique or clever insults that reveal their personalities.
  • Maggie's defense of the working girls is a strong moment, but it could be enhanced by giving her a more personal stake in the situation. Perhaps she could share a brief anecdote about her own experiences or those of someone she knows, which would deepen her character and make her confrontation with the lieutenants more impactful.
  • The transition between the bar scene and the fireplace snug is somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative. For instance, a brief moment where Maggie glances at Sarah before moving on could create a stronger connection between the two scenes.
  • Billy's PTSD and paranoia are introduced in the alleyway, but this could be more effectively integrated into the main action of the scene. Instead of having him simply observe from a distance, consider having him interact with the environment or other characters to illustrate his mental state more vividly.
  • The scene ends with the lieutenants spotting Sarah, which sets up tension for the next scene. However, it could be more suspenseful if there were hints of their intentions or if they overheard something that made them particularly interested in her, raising the stakes for her character.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue of the lieutenants to make their taunts more original and reflective of their personalities, perhaps incorporating humor or wit that reveals their arrogance.
  • Add a personal anecdote or emotional moment for Maggie that connects her to the working girls, enhancing her character depth and making her confrontation with the lieutenants more poignant.
  • Create a smoother transition between the bar and the snug by including a moment where Maggie acknowledges Sarah, establishing a connection between the two scenes.
  • Incorporate more active elements into Billy's observation of the scene, such as him reacting to the sounds or movements around him, to better convey his PTSD and paranoia.
  • Increase the suspense at the end of the scene by providing hints about the lieutenants' intentions or by having them overhear something that makes them particularly interested in Sarah, setting up a more dramatic confrontation.



Scene 12 -  Desperate Defiance
35 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - TAP ROOM - NIGHT 35
BILLY SNEDDON hurries in through the entrance door searching
for Sarah.
Maggie spots Billy. He is white and sweating..
MAGGIE CROSS
You seen a ghost, Bill?
Billy looks over to see the two uniformed officers standing
beside Sarah talking at her.
Billy forces his way through the crowds.

36 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - FIREPLACE SNUG - NIGHT 36
Andrews and Brown are badgering Sarah.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
I thought so Freddie. Sally? Sadie?
BILLY SNEDDON’S POV as he moves at speed.
SARAH SAYS NOTHING looking downwards out of personal modesty,
but ANDREWS grabs her under her chin pulling her face up.
JIMMY CROSS
Oi, leave her be you, don’t you
touch!
BROWN shoves JIMMY violently backwards, and he falls to the
floor.
ANDREWS leans down and bawls into JIMMY’S face as BROWN
stands menacingly over him.
BILLY can’t hear exactly what ANDREWS screams at JIMMY, but
ONE WORD leaps out.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
.........Somerset........
BILLY comes HURTLING into the situation..
He hits ANDREWS with a powerful DOUBLE JAB sending him
crashing to the floor.
BROWN is HEAD BUTTED and falls to the floor, stunned.
BILLY puts his hands around BROWN’S throat strangles him
whilst hitting his head on the floor.
BILLY SNEDDON
Did Somerset sent you here to hurt
my wife? DID HE? DID HE?
BROWN is choking.
SARAH kneels quickly down next to Billy and pleads with him.
SARAH SNEDDON
(whispers)
BILL. If you kill him you will
hang. Come on Bill.
BILLY slowly comes around. It’s over. He loosens his grip.
BILLY helps JIMMY to get back up.
BROWN crawls away towards a table where SEAMAN RILEY, a
uniformed sailor from THE CORMORANT is sitting.
JIMMY CROSS
I’m fine Bill. Go right now. Go.
BILLY takes SARAH’S hand, and they begin walking away.
JIMMY sees BROWN as he takes a HUGE BOWIE KNIFE from SEAMAN
RILEY.
BROWN picks up a wooden chair HOLDS IT HIGH and runs straight
at Billy.
JIMMY CROSS (CONT'D)
Billy....

Too late. BROWN smashes the chair over BILLY’S back knocking
him to his knees.

Now ANDREWS grabs a broken chair leg, and repeatedly strikes
Billy. BROWN kicks BILLY hard in the ribs.

A panicked MAGGIE barges through the crowded room.
People back off from the fight.
MAGGIE CROSS
OI! STOP THIS! I will fetch the
Bobbies.
MAGGIE barges into BROWN knocking him off balance.
SARAH SNEDDON grabs a log stacked by the fire. She smashes it
into ANDREW’S arm as he wields the chair leg, catching him
square on the elbow.
ANDREWS squeals in pain. He backhands SARAH who falls down
hitting her head. The log flies across the room.
A groggy BILLY rises to his feet, then exchanges blows with
BROWN, sends him tumbling with a right hook to the ribs.
BROWN flies backwards into a LOCAL MAN spilling his beer on
to ANOTHER SAILOR. He punches the man square in the jaw.
ANDREWS produces a knife from his boot and slashes BILLY'S
face. Blood sprays from the wound, BILLY stumbles back.
SARAH watches helplessly as ANDREWS attacks again, but Billy
grabs the blade tight in his left hand.
ANDREWS smiles as he slowly draws the knife backwards slicing
into BILLY's fingers - blood spills onto the floor.
BILLY, enraged, fires a vicious right hook into ANDREW'S jaw -
he loses his grip on the knife, stumbles backward.
BILLY takes the knife in his bloody right hand, ANDREWS, head
down, rushes into BILLY, his momentum forces the knife blade
deep into ANDREW’S throat.
ANDREWS, gurgling, a knife stuck in his neck, keels over to
the floor.
SARAH scrambles back to her feet.
Behind BILLY, BROWN pulls the Bowie knife and drives it deep
into BILLY'S back by his left shoulder, then viciously
wrenches it out.
BILLY screams in agony.
SLO-MO - BILLY spins around, uppercuts BROWN in the jaw.
BROWN flies backward, hits his head into a low ceiling beam.
SARAH’S POV, BROWN’S eyes are murderous as he flies towards
her. She takes one step backwards.
Suddenly he drops the knife which impales into the top of a
wooden table next to Sarah.
BROWN, eyes glazed over, staggers menacingly towards her.
SARAH instinctively rips the knife from the table, then
plunges it into BROWN’S chest with force.
BROWN’S eyes roll back, then he crashes to the floor dead.
Then, the shrilling of POLICE WHISTLES.
SIX POLICE OFFICERS barge their way into the busy main
entrance. They stop anyone who may be a witness from
escaping.
WE CUT TO:

37 37
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary In a tense night at Wiltons Music Hall, Billy Sneddon rushes to protect his wife, Sarah, from the aggressive harassment of Lieutenants Andrews and Brown. As the situation escalates into a violent confrontation, Billy fights back, fatally wounding Andrews but sustaining injuries himself. In a chaotic turn, Sarah defends herself by killing Brown after witnessing Billy's attack. The scene culminates with the arrival of police officers, who intervene to control the chaos.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-executed with a high level of conflict, emotional impact, and character changes, driving the plot forward with intense action.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a violent confrontation in a crowded music hall is engaging and well-realized, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is driven forward significantly by the violent events at the music hall, setting up future conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar confrontation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and development through their actions and reactions in the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, revealing new aspects of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 9

Billy's internal goal is to protect his wife, Sarah, and confront the men who are threatening her. This reflects his deeper need to defend his loved ones and assert his masculinity.

External Goal: 8

Billy's external goal is to physically defend Sarah and himself from the attackers. This reflects the immediate challenge of the violent confrontation they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted, involving physical altercations, emotional turmoil, and high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple threats and obstacles that challenge the protagonist's ability to achieve his goals. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas that could have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking turns of events, such as unexpected character actions and violent confrontations. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between justice and revenge. Billy is torn between seeking vengeance for the harm done to his wife and the moral implications of his violent actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anger, and defiance, drawing the audience into the chaotic and violent atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is impactful and serves to enhance the tension and emotions of the scene, though it takes a backseat to the action.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional drama. The fast-paced and unpredictable nature of the conflict keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a rhythmic flow of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged. The fast-paced nature of the conflict adds to the urgency and intensity of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression of escalating tension and conflict, leading to a climactic resolution. The formatting effectively conveys the chaotic and intense atmosphere of the setting.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, showcasing the chaotic environment of Wilton's Music Hall. The physicality of the fight is visceral and engaging, drawing the audience into the action. However, the pacing could be improved; the rapid shifts between characters and actions can be disorienting, making it difficult for the audience to fully grasp the stakes of each moment.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. While it serves to convey the immediate conflict, it could benefit from more character-specific lines that reveal their motivations and emotions. For instance, Billy's dialogue could reflect his desperation and protectiveness over Sarah, adding layers to his character.
  • The use of physical violence is impactful, but the scene risks becoming gratuitous without deeper emotional stakes. The audience should feel the weight of the violence, not just witness it. Incorporating moments of hesitation or internal conflict for Billy could enhance the emotional resonance of the fight.
  • The introduction of the police at the end of the scene is a strong narrative device, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A more gradual build-up to their arrival could heighten the tension and create a more cohesive flow. Perhaps foreshadowing their entrance earlier in the scene would help.
  • The character dynamics are compelling, particularly the protective instincts of Billy and Sarah. However, the motivations of the lieutenants could be fleshed out further. Why are they targeting Sarah specifically? Providing a clearer backstory or motivation for their actions would enhance the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider slowing down the pacing in certain moments to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the characters' actions. This could involve adding brief pauses or reactions between violent exchanges.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the characters' personalities and backgrounds. For example, Billy could express his fear of losing Sarah or his frustration with the societal injustices they face.
  • Introduce moments of internal conflict for Billy during the fight, such as a flashback or a brief moment of doubt about resorting to violence. This would add depth to his character and make the stakes feel higher.
  • Foreshadow the police's arrival earlier in the scene, perhaps through background chatter or a visual cue, to create a more seamless transition to the climax.
  • Develop the lieutenants' motivations further. Consider adding a line or two that hints at their past experiences or prejudices, which would make their actions more understandable and the conflict more engaging.



Scene 13 -  Sparring with Consequences
38 INT. BLACKFRIARS BOXING GYM – DAY 38
MARSHALL spars with LORD NORTHCLIFFE, trading sharp blows.
Northcliffe lands body shots, but Marshall dances away.
MARSHALL
Hit, Alfred. Don’t get hit.
MARSHALL counters with a double jab, unbalancing NORTHCLIFFE.
Northcliffe retaliates with a swift combination, forcing
Marshall to lean back and deflect the power.
MARSHALL lands a sharp hit on Northcliffe’s nose.
NORTHCLIFFE charges, only to be caught with a right cross and
a clean left jab on his way out.
A NEWSMAN, TOM VINCENT from NORTHCLIFFE’S OFFICE rushes in.
Unlike the boxers he is out of breath.
TOM VINCENT
Sir! Breaking News. Police raid on
the trafficking gang. Copper
killed. They need you in the
newsroom.
NORTHCLIFFE NODS and VINCENT runs off
MARSHALL
Its a dirty trade.
NORTHCLIFFE suddenly lands a hard jab, snapping MARSHALL’s
head back
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Whoa! Good shot...unexpected.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Always keep your guard up. Always.
They tap gloves and end the bout.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE (CONT'D)
Tell me. Do you take defamation
cases?

MARSHALL
Are we suing or being sued?

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
We are working on a story linking
the river murders to the people
trafficking gang in the docks. I
need to be protected legally.I’d
like to brief you at some point.

MARSHALL
Somerset?

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
No names until I publish.

MARSHALL
And in so doing, are damned?

Northcliffe smiles and they head out of the ring together.


39 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - LATER - NIGHT 39

A Police CONSTABLE gets a statement from an ENLISTED SAILOR.

A few feet in front of the fireplace, the bodies of Brown,
Andrews, and Billy Sneddon are laid out on the floor.

The CONSTABLE approaches Sarah. He grabs her by the arm.

POLICE CONSTABLE
What have you done you savage
whore?

Sarah, eyes glazed over, still in shock. She cannot speak.

SERGEANT GOODMAN (30's), is kneeling over the bodies. He
places his fingers onto the neck of Andrews, checking for a
pulse. Then does the same to Brown. He then moves onto Billy.

SERGEANT GOODMAN
This one is still alive. Somebody
fetch a doctor.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In the Blackfriars Boxing Gym, Marshall and Lord Northcliffe engage in a spirited sparring session, showcasing their boxing skills. Their training is interrupted by Tom Vincent, who brings urgent news of a police raid on a trafficking gang, prompting Northcliffe to discuss the legal implications of a story linking the gang to river murders. As they conclude their sparring, the atmosphere shifts from physical intensity to a serious conversation about the need for legal protection, highlighting the stakes of their investigative work.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and emotionally impactful, with a high level of conflict and significant character changes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a deadly altercation in a music hall adds depth to the narrative and explores themes of justice and survival.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly with the resolution of the conflict, leading to consequences that impact the characters and the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the boxing genre by incorporating elements of legal drama and investigative journalism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and development through their actions and reactions in the intense situation, revealing their true nature.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes as they are forced to confront violence and make life-altering decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to prove his skill and resilience in the boxing match, as well as to maintain his composure and professionalism in the face of unexpected events.

External Goal: 9

Marshall's external goal is to assist Lord Northcliffe in legal matters related to a news story, while also navigating the complexities of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the narrative forward, leading to significant consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges both in the boxing match and in the legal discussions, adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death, betrayal, and justice heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events that occur, such as the news of a police raid and the legal discussions between Marshall and Northcliffe.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of journalism and the legal implications of publishing sensitive information. Marshall and Northcliffe discuss the consequences of their actions and the potential impact on individuals involved.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of shock, tragedy, and tension, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The dialogue and character interactions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character moments that maintain tension and drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively building tension and advancing the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the boxing gym to the tense atmosphere of Wilton's Music Hall, showcasing the contrast between the physicality of the boxing match and the emotional turmoil of the characters involved in the aftermath of violence. However, the abrupt shift in tone could be smoothed out with a more gradual transition or a brief moment of reflection from Marshall or Northcliffe before they leave the gym.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Northcliffe is engaging and reveals their relationship dynamics, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, when Northcliffe mentions needing legal protection, there could be a hint of urgency or fear that adds depth to his character and the stakes of the situation.
  • The introduction of Tom Vincent feels somewhat rushed. While it serves to propel the plot forward, giving him a more distinct personality or a brief moment of interaction with Marshall could enhance the scene's emotional weight and make the news feel more impactful.
  • The boxing choreography is well-described, but it could be enhanced with more sensory details. Describing the sounds of punches landing, the atmosphere of the gym, or the physical sensations experienced by the characters would immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The final exchange between Marshall and Northcliffe is intriguing, but the line 'And in so doing, are damned?' feels a bit abrupt and could be rephrased for clarity. It might also benefit from a more explicit connection to the themes of morality and consequence that run throughout the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Marshall after the boxing match, allowing him to process the physicality of the fight before transitioning to the news of the police raid.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marshall and Northcliffe by incorporating more subtext, perhaps hinting at their mutual respect or underlying tensions regarding the legal implications of their work.
  • Develop Tom Vincent's character slightly more, perhaps by giving him a memorable line or a brief interaction with Marshall that establishes his role in the newsroom and adds urgency to the news he brings.
  • Incorporate more sensory details into the boxing scene, such as the sounds of the punches, the atmosphere of the gym, and the physical sensations experienced by the characters to create a more immersive experience.
  • Rephrase the line 'And in so doing, are damned?' for clarity and impact, possibly by connecting it more explicitly to the themes of morality and consequence that are central to the story.



Scene 14 -  Justice at the Thames
40 EXT. THE THAMES EMBANKMENT - DAY 40
A carriage heads past moored ships and sailors buying
supplies from street vendors.

41 INT/EXT. CARRIAGE - THAMES EMBANKMENT- DAY 41
The carriage has pulled up next to an ironclad warship the
HMS POLYTHEMUS. Two men step out.
Renowned solicitor ARTHUR NEWTON (30's), hands Barristers
clerk BERNIE LAWLESS (40's), two sets of papers tied up in
pink ribbon.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Two naval officers from the HMS
Polyphemus here were knifed to
death in a bar fight. It was just
over there at Wiltons Music Hall.
We see in context Wiltons Music Hall and on the quayside
where the ironclad HMS Polyphemus is still moored.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Not where they expected to die when
they joined up.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Quite. Nor did our defendants
expect to be hanged for it. Take a
look. Rum pair. Chap is a veteran,
decorated in the Afghan Campaign.
Now a customs man. Not exactly the
murdering type.
Lawless looks at the front of both briefs and back again.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Sarah and Billy Sneddon?
ARTHUR NEWTON
Married. The wife is African. I
have managed to suppress that
particular detail from the press.
Newton produces a copy of the Daily Sketch newspaper with the
headline “Music Hall Double Murder - Man held”.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Arthur there isn’t a Jury in the
land that will acquit a black woman
for killing a naval officer.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Indeed. Lost cause. But I need you
to find me credible counsel for the
husband. Good form and all that.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Who are the prosecutors?
ARTHUR NEWTON
Ashraf Singh is leading counsel.
Edward Carson his junior.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Big guns.
Lawless ponders for a beat
Let’s look at the scene of the
crime then go up to the Bailey. I
may have an idea for you.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Arthur Newton, a solicitor, meets with his clerk Bernie Lawless at the Thames Embankment to discuss the murder of two naval officers. They reveal the racial dynamics complicating the case against married defendants Sarah and Billy Sneddon, particularly the bias Sarah may face as an African woman. Acknowledging the challenges ahead, Newton tasks Lawless with finding credible counsel for Billy. They decide to investigate further by visiting the crime scene at Wiltons Music Hall before heading to the Bailey.
Strengths
  • Compelling legal drama setup
  • Effective tension and suspense
  • Intriguing racial dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a compelling legal drama with high stakes and tension. The introduction of the murder case involving racial dynamics adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of introducing a murder case with racial implications in a legal drama context is intriguing and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and themes of the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the introduction of a complex legal case and the escalation of tensions. The scene sets the stage for future developments and adds layers to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters, a historical setting, and explores themes of racial prejudice and justice in a fresh and engaging way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. The scene effectively showcases the dynamics between the legal professionals and the accused, setting up potential character arcs and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of the legal case and the racial dynamics set the stage for potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to defend the accused husband in the murder case and ensure a fair trial. This reflects his desire for justice and his belief in the innocence of his clients.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find credible counsel for the husband and navigate the legal challenges of the case. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the murder trial and the societal biases against the accused.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters navigate a complex legal case with high stakes and racial tensions. The escalating tensions create a sense of urgency and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with societal biases and legal challenges posing obstacles for the protagonist in defending the accused.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with a murder case involving racial bias, legal injustice, and complex legal battles. The characters face significant challenges and risks, adding intensity and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a crucial legal case, escalating tensions, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The narrative progresses effectively, engaging the audience and building anticipation for what's to come.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the murder case and the protagonist's strategies to defend the accused.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the racial prejudices and biases of the legal system, challenging the protagonist's beliefs in justice and fairness for all individuals regardless of race.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, concern, and intrigue. The high stakes and complex legal situation add emotional depth to the narrative, engaging the audience and setting up future emotional payoffs.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and serves to advance the plot while revealing character traits and motivations. The interactions between the characters are compelling and add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intriguing setup, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the murder trial.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the legal drama unfolding.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama genre, with a clear setup of the murder case and the protagonist's goals.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the gravity of the situation surrounding the murder of the naval officers, providing context through the dialogue between Arthur Newton and Bernie Lawless. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository and lacks emotional depth. The characters are discussing serious matters, yet the tone remains somewhat flat.
  • The introduction of the characters is clear, but their personalities could be further developed through their interactions. For instance, Arthur Newton's character could be given more nuance by showing his emotional investment in the case, rather than just stating facts. This would help the audience connect with him on a deeper level.
  • The setting is well-described, with the imagery of the Thames Embankment and the HMS Polyphemus providing a vivid backdrop. However, the transition between the exterior and interior of the carriage could be smoother. The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the environment, such as sounds of the bustling market or the smell of the river.
  • The dialogue about the racial bias in the trial is crucial and timely, but it could be more impactful if it included a personal anecdote or a moment of reflection from either character. This would add emotional weight to the discussion and highlight the societal implications of the case.
  • The scene ends with a sense of urgency as they decide to visit the crime scene, but it could be enhanced by adding a visual cue or a line that emphasizes the stakes involved. For example, a brief moment of silence or a shared look of concern between the characters could heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional stakes to the dialogue. Allow characters to express their feelings about the case, which would create a more engaging and relatable scene.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enrich the setting. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights of the Thames Embankment to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Enhance character development by including small actions or reactions that reveal their personalities. For example, show Newton's frustration or determination through body language or facial expressions.
  • Introduce a personal anecdote or reflection related to the racial bias discussion to deepen the emotional impact of the dialogue.
  • Add a visual or emotional cue at the end of the scene to emphasize the urgency and stakes of the situation, making the transition to the next scene more compelling.



Scene 15 -  A Bold Defense
42 INT. OLD BAILEY - ROBING ROOM - DAY 42
NEWTON AND LAWLESS enter to see...
Marshall and Charlie Gill getting into their battle dress
CHARLIE GILL
Arthur you vagabond. How are you?
Newton smiles.
ARTHUR NEWTON
I am well Charlie. Bernie has put
you up for a brief. A juicy murder.
CHARLIE GILL
(to Lawless)
I always said you are the best
barristers clerk in the Temple.
Lawless bows in mock modesty.
ARTHUR NEWTON
It’s a tricky one. Two navy men
knifed to death by a civilian
couple if you can believe it.
BERNIE LAWLESS
There is a decent self defence
story for the husband. Ex army,
some sort of war hero. Afghanistan.
MARSHALL
And for the wife?
Lawless smells a two for one offer going begging.
CHARLIE GILL
Arthur this is Marshall. My junior
in the Rosenberg murder.
ARTHUR NEWTON
A dozen witnesses saw her stab the
officer in the heart. There is no
defence.
MARSHALL
Then you and she have nothing to
lose. Give me the brief.
ARTHUR NEWTON
If she pleads guilty the judge may
offer leniency to her husband.
Marshall thinks quickly.
MARSHALL
You don’t have to decide now. Judge
me on my performance today?
Newton thinks. He likes the audacity of this young man.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Agreed.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Crime"]

Summary In the robing room of the Old Bailey, Arthur Newton and Bernie Lawless discuss a murder case involving two navy men killed by a civilian couple. Charlie Gill greets Newton and expresses interest in the case, while Lawless suggests a self-defense argument for the husband. Marshall, eager to prove himself, proposes to take on the case despite the wife's apparent lack of defense. Newton is impressed by Marshall's confidence and agrees to let him demonstrate his abilities in court.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Complex legal case setup
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a focus on legal intricacies and character dynamics. It effectively sets up the central conflict and raises stakes for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a challenging legal case and the strategic decisions involved is well-developed. The scene effectively introduces the central conflict and sets up future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the legal case and the decisions that need to be made regarding the defense strategy. It moves the story forward by introducing key elements and raising stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the legal drama genre by focusing on the interpersonal dynamics and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. The interactions between Marshall, Charlie Gill, and Arthur Newton add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall shows growth and determination in seeking the trial brief, showcasing his ambition and willingness to take on challenging cases. The scene sets up potential character development for him.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate a complex legal case and make strategic decisions that will impact the lives of the accused couple. This reflects his desire for justice and his ability to assess the moral implications of his actions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to secure the best legal representation for the accused couple and potentially negotiate a plea deal that benefits both parties. This reflects the immediate challenge of defending clients in a high-stakes murder case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions regarding the defense strategy. The tension between legal obligations and moral considerations adds depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and strategic maneuvering among the characters. The uncertainty of the legal outcome adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face a challenging legal case with potential consequences for the accused civilian couple. The decisions made will have a significant impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a crucial legal case and setting up the defense strategy. It lays the groundwork for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances and strategic decisions made by the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the outcome of the legal case.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of defending individuals accused of heinous crimes. The protagonist must balance his duty as a lawyer with his personal beliefs about justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of concern and tension, as the characters navigate a challenging legal case. The stakes are raised, but the emotional impact is more subdued compared to other scenes.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, reflecting the professional and tense atmosphere of a legal setting. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, intriguing legal case, and complex character relationships. The audience is drawn into the high-stakes drama and moral dilemmas faced by the protagonists.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of exposition, dialogue, and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of the screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the interactions between the characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with a clear setup of the characters and their motivations. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue effectively establishes the relationships between the characters, particularly the camaraderie between Charlie Gill and Arthur Newton, which adds depth to their interactions. However, the scene could benefit from more distinct character voices to differentiate each character's personality more clearly.
  • The stakes of the case are introduced, but the scene lacks a sense of urgency or tension that would heighten the drama. Given that this is a murder case, the dialogue could reflect more of the gravity of the situation, perhaps through more emotional reactions from the characters.
  • Marshall's proposal to take on the case feels a bit abrupt. While it showcases his ambition, it could be enhanced by providing more context about his motivations or internal conflict regarding the case. This would help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • The scene transitions smoothly from the previous one, but it could benefit from a stronger visual description of the robing room to set the atmosphere. This would help ground the audience in the setting and enhance the overall mood of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is relatively quick, which is good for maintaining momentum, but it may sacrifice character development. A moment of reflection or a brief pause for a character to express their thoughts could add depth and allow the audience to absorb the implications of the case.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more unique dialogue quirks or phrases for each character to enhance their individuality and make their interactions more engaging.
  • Incorporate a line or two that reflects the emotional weight of the murder case, perhaps through a character expressing concern for the defendants or the potential consequences of the trial.
  • Expand on Marshall's internal conflict or motivations for wanting to take the case, possibly through a brief monologue or a moment of hesitation before he makes his proposal.
  • Include a vivid description of the robing room, such as its decor, atmosphere, or the sounds of the court preparing for the day, to create a more immersive setting.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or conflict within the dialogue, such as differing opinions on the case or a hint of rivalry, to create a more dynamic interaction between the characters.



Scene 16 -  Prejudice in the Courtroom
43 INT. OLD BAILEY - COUNSELS BENCHES - DAY. 43
Marshall and Gill sit amongst other barristers and prepare
for the start of Crown -v- Rosenberg.
Rosenberg is already in the dock when the Jury file in.
The Jury are visibly hostile when they see by his attire and
hair ringlets that the defendant is Jewish. They make snide
comments to each other.
The Usher announces the arrival of the Judge.
COURT USHER
All rise for Mr. Justice Peach
Everyone stands as MR JUSTICE PEACH (50's), enters.
CHARLIE GILL
Ah Jesus, anyone but Peach.

44 INT. OLD BAILEY - REPORTERS BENCHES. DAY 44
The hollow faces of the usual dozen middle-aged hacks wait
impatiently.
Along the bench, XING FU (20's) is a female Anglo-Chinese
Illustrator. She works silently in charcoal. We see her
developing and sympathetic DRAWING of ROSENBERG.
Next to her taking notes is the CRIME JOURNALIST LILLY
FORTUNE (24), a stunning mixed heritage woman with an
intelligent sparkle in her eyes.
Marshall glances across from the defence benches. He smiles
at Lilly and is pleased when she smiles back.
Lilly whispers to Xing Fu
LILLY FORTUNE
Get an image of the handsome new
one.
XING FU
(whispers back)
I did that already.
Xing turns over her pad to show a remarkably lifelike
illustration of Marshall. They each smile appreciatively.

45 INT. OLD BAILEY - PUBLIC GALLERY. DAY 45
NEWTON and LAWLESS enter and sit at the front above the
courtroom looking down at Marshall.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Arrogant.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Young, passionate.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Knowledge of the law?
BERNIE LAWLESS
Sadly, he knows little of the law.
Newton shrugs with a smile.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Still, passionate is good....
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Historical"]

Summary In the tense atmosphere of the Old Bailey courtroom, the trial of Crown -v- Rosenberg begins, revealing the jury's hostility towards the Jewish defendant, Rosenberg. As Mr. Justice Peach arrives, Gill expresses his disdain for the judge, while reporters Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu observe the proceedings, with Lilly showing interest in Marshall. Meanwhile, Newton and Lawless critique Marshall's arrogance and inexperience in law, highlighting the challenges he faces. The scene captures the underlying prejudices and tensions that permeate the courtroom.
Strengths
  • Strong tension and drama
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a strong focus on tension and drama, setting up the trial of Gideon Rosenberg effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring racial bias in the legal system and the dynamics of a high-stakes trial is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is focused on the trial of Gideon Rosenberg and the tensions surrounding it, moving the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the legal drama genre by incorporating themes of prejudice and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene, particularly Marshall, Gill, and Rosenberg.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between the characters evolve, setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the challenges and biases present in the courtroom environment. It reflects his desire to uphold justice and defend his client against prejudice.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to effectively represent his client in court and secure a fair trial despite the hostility and challenges he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, particularly in the tensions between the characters and the hostile jury.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from both external forces like the Jury's bias and internal conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the trial of Gideon Rosenberg, with his fate hanging in the balance and the racial bias of the jury adding to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the trial of Gideon Rosenberg and the key players involved.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting perspectives and challenges that create uncertainty about the trial's outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between justice and prejudice. The protagonist's beliefs in fairness and equality are challenged by the Jury's bias against the defendant.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to curiosity, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing the personalities and motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up multiple conflicts and tensions that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard format for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with the introduction of key characters and the establishment of conflict and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tense atmosphere of the courtroom, highlighting the prejudices faced by the defendant, Rosenberg. The hostile jury comments serve to immediately convey the societal biases at play, which is crucial for the audience's understanding of the stakes involved.
  • The introduction of the characters, particularly Marshall, Gill, Lilly, and Xing Fu, is well-executed. Their interactions provide insight into their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the narrative. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to enhance character differentiation.
  • The contrast between the barristers and the reporters is interesting, but it could be further emphasized. For instance, the reporters' reactions to the trial could reflect their motivations and biases, adding another layer to the scene.
  • The humor introduced through Charlie Gill's comment about Judge Peach adds a nice touch, but it feels slightly out of place given the serious context of the trial. Balancing humor with the gravity of the situation is essential to maintain the scene's tone.
  • The visual elements, such as Xing Fu's drawing of Rosenberg and Marshall, are a strong addition, providing a visual representation of the characters' perceptions. However, more description of the courtroom's physical environment could enhance the setting and immerse the audience further.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific dialogue that showcases the jury's hostility towards Rosenberg, perhaps through direct quotes or more vivid descriptions of their expressions and body language.
  • Enhance the interactions between Marshall and Lilly by incorporating more flirtation or tension, which could serve to deepen their relationship and provide a counterbalance to the courtroom's seriousness.
  • Introduce a moment of reflection for Marshall as he observes the jury's reaction to Rosenberg, allowing the audience to see his internal conflict regarding the case and the biases at play.
  • Incorporate a brief moment of tension or conflict between Marshall and Gill regarding their approach to the case, which could highlight their differing perspectives and add depth to their partnership.
  • Consider expanding on the visual descriptions of the courtroom and the characters' appearances to create a more vivid and engaging setting that reflects the historical context.



Scene 17 -  A Verdict of Injustice
46 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURT ROOM. DAY 46
EDWARD CARSON rushes into court theatrically late.
He hurries to counsel's table and bows to the Judge.
JUDGE PEACH
Are you Counsel in Rosenberg?
EDWARD CARSON
Forgive my lateness my Lord. I am
Carson, representing the Crown.
Charlie Gill addresses Judge Peach.
CHARLIE GILL
Gill and Marshall for the defence.
Peach scrutinises Marshall through gold-rimmed spectacles.
Hasn’t seen this one before.
JUDGE PEACH
How does he plead?
Marshall catches Lilly looking at him from the press benches.
He stands to make an intervention.
MARSHALL
He pleads not guilty to murder my
Lord but guilty to manslaughter.
Peach looks down at Marshall. Then at the senior man Gill.
JUDGE PEACH
Is that right Mr. Gill? Guilty? Is
the Jury here for no reason?
CHARLIE GILL
Due to Mr.Carson’s tardiness, we
had no time for discussion with
councel, My Lord. My client is
willing to show contrition.
JUDGE PEACH
Is that acceptable Mr. Carson?
EDWARD CARSON (EMBARASSED)
It saves taxpayer money. We might
accept if with a harsh punishment.
JUDGE PEACH
What would the prosecution deem
harsh enough in this case?
EDWARD CARSON
As he is a foreigner who murdered
an Englishman... The death penalty.
CHARLIE GILL
Even if that same Englishman was
about to rape Mrs. Rosenberg.
EDWARD CARSON
I suggest you put that to the Jury
Mr Gill, instead of begging for
Judicial mercy.
Peach is in no mood for what he sees as tactical manoeuvres.
JUDGE PEACH
Mr.Gill expects my discretionary
powers to offer leniency, am I
correct?
Marshall jumps to his feet.
MARSHALL
What is the point in giving Judges
discretionary powers if they are
indisposed to exercise them...My
Lord?
Peach is now puce red and has to sip water before replying.
JUDGE PEACH
Insolence. How dare you. I can have
you disbarred forever.
Rosenberg exchanges a glance with his WIFE and young SON.
Gill jumps to his feet to calm things down.
CHARLIE GILL
My Lord, we do beseech you to
season justice with leniency.
JUDGE PEACH
Leniency? An Englishman is dead.
The answer cannot be leniency.
Breathes are held in the public gallery. Reporters scribble.
JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
Rosenberg. Isn’t that Jewish?

Lilly looks at Xing Fu’s sketch of Rosenberg as she writes
speedily in Pitman shorthand.

XING FU
So sad. His soul has left him.

JUDGE PEACH (TO ROSENBERG)
Your change of plea of guilty to
manslaughter rather than trial for
murder....
Peach looks patronisingly down at Marshall.

JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
Will result in the same outcome.

Peach gestures to the Usher.

The court usher places the black square on Peach’s head.

JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
You will be taken to Newgate jail
where you will be hanged by the
neck until you are dead. Next case.

Mrs. Rosenberg weeps as she hugs her son.
Gill’s head drops. Marshall is not surprised at the verdict.
Lilly watches Marshall from the reporters benches. She sees
his demeanour change as Rosenberg is led away.
Lilly stares inquisitively at Marshall, as if asking what
he’s going to do. He returns a solemn nod.
Marshall rises to his feet.
MARSHALL
This sentence is outrageous. The
brutal attack on my clients wife
deserved to be taken into account.
JUDGE PEACH
I have given my verdict to which
there is no right of appeal.
MARSHALL
Indeed, My Lord. Yet another legal
injustice for all the world to see.
I hope the Ladies and Gentlemen of
the press have taken note.
Marshall walks out of court in disgust.Glancing up at Lilly.
Xing taps Lilly.
XING FU
He is very brave.
LILLY FORTUNE
Or plain reckless.
Reporters run past to get back to newsrooms for deadline.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Historical"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, Edward Carson arrives late to prosecute Rosenberg, who pleads guilty to manslaughter. Judge Peach questions the plea, leading to a heated debate over the appropriate punishment. Carson advocates for the death penalty due to Rosenberg's foreign status, while defense attorneys Charlie Gill and Marshall argue for leniency, citing the victim's actions. Despite their protests, Judge Peach imposes a harsh sentence of hanging, prompting Marshall to leave in disgust as reporters rush to cover the unfolding story.
Strengths
  • Powerful dialogue
  • Emotional impact
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched courtroom drama tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional turmoil of a courtroom trial, with strong dialogue and confrontational moments. The defiance of the defense attorney adds depth to the scene, while the harsh verdict creates a sense of hopelessness for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a courtroom trial and the clash between legal systems, is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of justice, morality, and the impact of legal decisions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is compelling, with the courtroom trial serving as a pivotal moment in the story. The conflict between the defense attorney and the judge adds depth to the narrative, while the harsh verdict drives the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on legal drama, exploring themes of justice, prejudice, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with the defense attorney standing out for his defiance and passion. The emotional impact on the accused and their loved ones adds depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, particularly the accused and their loved ones. The harsh verdict and the emotional turmoil of the trial lead to a shift in their perspectives and emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice and challenge the legal system's flaws. This reflects his deeper desire for fairness and integrity in the face of injustice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend his client and argue for a fair trial outcome. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a biased legal system.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the defense attorney, the judge, and the prosecution. The clash of legal ideologies and the emotional stakes of the trial create a compelling conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing off against the Judge and the legal system. The audience is kept in suspense as the characters navigate complex moral dilemmas and power dynamics.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the accused facing a harsh verdict and the defense attorney challenging the judge's decision. The emotional turmoil and the clash of legal systems raise the stakes for all characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the courtroom trial serving as a pivotal moment in the narrative. The clash of legal ideologies and the emotional impact of the verdict drive the story towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the legal proceedings and the characters' bold actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of justice and mercy. The protagonist challenges the Judge's harsh sentencing, advocating for leniency based on circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of sadness, outrage, and hopelessness resonating with the audience. The harsh verdict and the emotional turmoil of the characters evoke strong emotions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is powerful and impactful, driving the confrontations and emotional moments. The exchanges between the defense attorney, the judge, and the accused convey the tension and stakes of the trial effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflicts, moral dilemmas, and dynamic character interactions. The stakes are high, and the dialogue keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, dramatic confrontations, and a climactic verdict. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a courtroom drama, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. It effectively conveys the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional courtroom drama structure, with clear character introductions, conflict escalation, and a dramatic resolution. The pacing and formatting enhance the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of a courtroom drama, showcasing the stakes involved in Rosenberg's case. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when characters reiterate their positions. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • Marshall's character is established as passionate and somewhat reckless, which is compelling. However, his outburst in court could benefit from more buildup. The audience should feel the weight of his frustration before he speaks out, making his actions more impactful.
  • The interaction between the characters, especially between Marshall and Judge Peach, is intense but could be enhanced by showing more of the emotional stakes for Marshall. Adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could deepen the audience's understanding of why this case matters so much to him.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven; the initial exchanges are quick and sharp, but the latter part drags slightly as it transitions to the aftermath of the verdict. A tighter edit could help maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • The use of visual elements, such as Lilly's sketching and the reactions of the public gallery, adds depth to the scene. However, these moments could be expanded to show how the courtroom atmosphere affects the characters emotionally, particularly Marshall and Rosenberg's family.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow for more subtext. Let the characters' emotions and motivations come through their actions and reactions rather than through direct statements.
  • Build up to Marshall's outburst by incorporating subtle hints of his frustration earlier in the scene. This could be done through his body language or brief internal monologues that reveal his thoughts on the injustice of the situation.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements that reflect the emotional stakes for Marshall. For example, show his hands clenching or his breathing quickening as the verdict approaches, emphasizing his internal struggle.
  • Edit the scene for pacing, ensuring that the transition from the verdict to Marshall's protest feels seamless. Consider cutting any redundant lines that do not add to character development or plot progression.
  • Expand on the reactions of the public gallery and the reporters to create a more immersive atmosphere. This could include snippets of their conversations or thoughts, which would enhance the tension and urgency of the courtroom setting.



Scene 18 -  New Beginnings at the Old Bailey
47 INT. OLD BAILEY - PUBLIC GALLERY. DAY 47
Newton gives a confident nod to Lawless. He appears impressed
despite the outcome.
ARTHUR NEWTON
To business. What is the fee for
Gill to represent Billy Sneddon?
BERNIE LAWLESS
Experienced man is Charlie. You
should mark the brief at twenty
Guineas.
Newton nods.
48 INT. OLD BAILEY - ROBING ROOM - DAY 48
Marshall is back in civilian clothes and slightly euphoric as
he places his robes and wig into his bag.
Newton and Lawless enter the room. Charlie is still downcast.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Chin up Mr.Gill. The Jury would
have hanged Rosenberg in a
heartbeat.
CHARLIE GILL
We gambled on guilty and lost.
ARTHUR NEWTON
You lost nothing. Judge Peach would
hang his own mother.
A moment for reflection. Lawless breaks the spell.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Charlie, you are representing the
husband in Crown -v- Billy Sneddon.
MARSHALL
Who is giving odds on the wife?
ARTHUR NEWTON
If you can show the passion you did
today, I would say 50/50.
MARSHALL
So you are giving her a chance?
ARTHUR NEWTON
No, I am giving you a chance. Your
first solo murder trial. Try not to
fuck it up won’t you.
Marshall smiles. LAWLESS steers Newton away.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Let’s go to The George. I’m buying.
ARTHUR NEWTON
That's also a first.
Marshall is unable to resist
MARSHALL
My terms!
Newton turns back
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
If I lose the case my services are
free. A win will cost you fifty
guineas.

A long beat while Newton weighs up some cutting response to
Marshall’s chutzpah, then..

ARTHUR NEWTON
Done.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In the Old Bailey, Arthur Newton discusses fees with Bernie Lawless for representing Billy Sneddon, while Charlie Gill feels downcast after a trial loss. Marshall, now in civilian clothes, is excited about his first solo murder trial and proposes a unique payment structure. Newton encourages Gill and ultimately agrees to Marshall's terms, highlighting a mix of optimism and camaraderie among the characters as they prepare to celebrate with drinks.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Legal negotiation tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a strong focus on dialogue and character interactions. It effectively sets up the upcoming murder trial case while showcasing the legal expertise and strategic thinking of the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating legal representation and setting the stage for a murder trial is intriguing and sets up future conflicts and developments. The scene effectively introduces new elements to the storyline.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the negotiation for legal representation and the upcoming murder trial, adding layers of complexity to the overall story. It moves the narrative forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the legal drama genre with its witty dialogue and complex character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene forward and set the stage for the upcoming trial, showcasing their expertise and strategic thinking.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential development in future interactions and conflicts. The characters' motivations and strategies may evolve as the trial progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself in his first solo murder trial and to maintain his reputation as a competent lawyer. This reflects his desire for success and recognition in his career.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to win the murder trial and secure his reputation as a successful lawyer. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the courtroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the negotiation for legal representation and the impending murder trial. Tensions arise from the characters' differing perspectives and strategies, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in the courtroom and from other characters, adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the murder trial and the negotiation for legal representation create a sense of urgency and tension in the scene. The characters' decisions have significant consequences, adding to the suspense and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new murder trial case and setting up the legal conflict to come. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the outcome of the trial.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in his abilities and the challenges he faces in the courtroom. It challenges his values and worldview as he navigates the legal system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through the characters' interactions and the high stakes of the upcoming trial. The tension and strategic maneuvering add depth to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities and intentions. It effectively conveys the tension and dynamics of the legal negotiation, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and humor in the interactions between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a balance between tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged in the legal drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with a focus on the interactions between lawyers and defendants in a courtroom setting.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the aftermath of a tense courtroom trial, showcasing the emotional weight of the characters' experiences. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, while Marshall's euphoric state is clear, the contrast with Charlie's downcast demeanor could be emphasized through more nuanced dialogue that reflects their differing perspectives on the trial's outcome.
  • The humor introduced through Marshall's playful banter about the odds on the wife adds levity to an otherwise serious scene, but it risks undermining the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the emotional weight of the trial's implications for the characters would enhance the scene's impact.
  • Newton's character comes across as confident and somewhat patronizing, which is effective, but his dialogue could be more varied to avoid repetition of similar phrases. For example, instead of saying 'done' in response to Marshall's terms, he could express his agreement in a way that reflects his character's personality more distinctly.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, particularly in the transition from the courtroom to the robing room. Allowing for a moment of silence or reflection after the trial could heighten the emotional stakes and give the audience a chance to absorb the implications of the verdict.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Marshall's bold terms, but it could benefit from a more explicit emotional reaction from the other characters. This would help to ground the stakes of Marshall's first solo trial and create a more dynamic conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reflect the characters' internal struggles and differing perspectives on the trial's outcome.
  • Consider toning down the humor slightly to maintain the emotional gravity of the scene, ensuring that the levity does not overshadow the serious implications of the trial.
  • Vary Newton's dialogue to provide a more distinct voice for his character, avoiding repetitive phrases and enhancing his personality.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or reflection after the trial to give the audience time to absorb the emotional weight of the verdict before transitioning to the robing room.
  • Add explicit emotional reactions from the other characters at the end of the scene to ground the stakes of Marshall's first solo trial and create a more dynamic conclusion.



Scene 19 -  Tensions at The George
49 INT. THE GEORGE PUBLIC HOUSE - NIGHT 49

If the Old Bailey is the centre of the criminal world by day
then, The George holds that accolade by night. A smoke-filled
haven of barristers, solicitors, criminals, prostitutes,
reporters, clerks, fraudsters, Aristocrats and Judges.

Marshall, Newton, Lawless, and Gill enter.

Marshall immediately spots Lilly Fortune.

Marshall walks up to Lilly. He holds the copy of the Daily
Sketch with the neutral Sneddon story on the front page.

MARSHALL
(to Lilly)
A story acknowledging the
presumption of innocence.

LILLY FORTUNE
(New York accent)
You sound surprised.

MARSHALL
I have never met a lady crime
reporter let alone an American.

LILLY FORTUNE
(patronised)
I am here on merit. I graduated
from Columbia Law School.

A beat

MARSHALL
Would you join me for dinner?

Lilly smiles. She likes this non English approach.

LILLY FORTUNE
Yes, I would like that very much.

LAWLESS appears at MARSHALL’S shoulder
BERNIE LAWLESS
Not tonight, old boy. You have the
Royal dinner at Middle Temple Hall.
Lilly notices Marshall looks disappointed.
LILLY FORTUNE
Another time.
As they turn to leave CARSON is approaching the bar.
There is an awkward face to face.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Carson.


EDWARD CARSON
Lawless.
(to Gill)
You gambled and lost with Rosenberg
Charlie and worst of all, your lame
plea robbed me of a victory.
Gill looks annoyed by this insensitivity. He steps forward.
CHARLIE GILL
What does a Prosecution victory
look like? Execution? Imprisonment?
Hard labour? The poor house?
EDWARD CARSON
Oh, I see. A defence victory is
more noble than a win for the
prosecution?
LILLY FORTUNE
It’s a rigged game Mr.Carson.
Prosecutors have State money.
EDWARD CARSON
And why would you care as long as
you sell more newspapers?
LILLY FORTUNE
You really are a callous shit, Mr.
Carson. Why don’t you just bugger
off.
Carson looks wounded. He thought he was the Alpha.
EDWARD CARSON
All those big headlines when a
gamble pays off but who mentions
the ones paid for in client blood?
MARSHALL
You were told to bugger off.
This could turn nasty but Lawless politely interrupts,
steering Marshall away.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Let us get you into mess dress,
Marshall or you will miss dinner.
Lilly watches them go, genuinely intrigued.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a smoky bar filled with legal professionals and criminals, Marshall meets crime reporter Lilly Fortune, sparking a moment of chemistry. However, their conversation is interrupted by Lawless, who reminds Marshall of a royal dinner. An escalating confrontation occurs between Lawless, Gill, and Carson over the ethics of prosecution and defense, with Lilly defending her profession. The scene concludes with Lawless steering Marshall away, leaving Lilly intrigued by the unfolding tensions.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Diverse cast of characters
  • Setting up potential conflicts and alliances
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant emotional impact
  • Limited character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a mix of tension, intrigue, and confrontational dialogue that keeps the audience engaged. The diverse characters and their interactions add depth to the narrative, setting up potential conflicts and alliances.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of bringing together a diverse group of characters in a smoke-filled pub to set the stage for potential conflicts and alliances is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces key players and hints at future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through character interactions and dialogue, setting up potential conflicts and alliances that will impact future events. The scene introduces key players and hints at underlying tensions, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on legal ethics and social dynamics within a historical context. The characters' interactions feel authentic and nuanced, offering a unique take on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and distinct, each bringing their own personality and motivations to the scene. The interactions between the characters reveal underlying tensions and power dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters hint at potential shifts in alliances and motivations. The confrontational dialogue sets the stage for character development in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Lilly Fortune and potentially establish a romantic or professional relationship with her. This reflects his desire for companionship and intrigue with someone who challenges his expectations.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to attend the Royal dinner at Middle Temple Hall, showcasing his social status and obligations within the legal community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict level is high due to the confrontational dialogue and underlying tensions between the characters. The scene sets up potential conflicts and alliances that will drive future events in the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, personal conflicts, and power struggles driving the drama. The characters face obstacles that challenge their beliefs and values, creating suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of potential conflicts and alliances among the diverse cast of characters. The confrontational tone and sharp dialogue hint at power struggles and hidden agendas that will impact future events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key players, setting up potential conflicts and alliances, and hinting at future developments. The interactions between the characters add depth to the narrative and pave the way for upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, moral dilemmas, and unexpected confrontations between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the differing perspectives on justice and morality between the characters. Lilly and Marshall challenge Carson's traditional views on prosecution and defense, highlighting the ethical complexities of their professions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to intrigue, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in more dramatic moments. The confrontational tone and sharp dialogue keep the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, adding depth to the character interactions. The exchanges between the characters reveal their personalities and motivations, setting up potential conflicts and alliances.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and thematic depth. The conflicts and relationships draw the audience in, creating suspense and emotional investment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, reveals character motivations, and maintains audience interest. The rhythm and flow enhance the scene's emotional impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards and effectively conveys the characters' actions, dialogue, and emotions. The clear layout enhances readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension, develops characters, and advances the plot. The pacing and formatting align with the genre's expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the contrasting atmosphere of The George Public House compared to the Old Bailey, highlighting the blend of social classes and professions. However, the opening line could be more engaging; consider using a more vivid description to draw the reader into the setting.
  • Marshall's interaction with Lilly Fortune is charming and establishes a budding connection, but it feels slightly rushed. The dialogue could benefit from more subtext or tension to deepen their relationship and make the moment feel more significant.
  • The introduction of Edward Carson adds conflict, but the dialogue exchange feels somewhat predictable. Carson's character could be more nuanced; instead of simply being antagonistic, consider giving him a more complex motivation that could lead to a more dynamic confrontation.
  • The dialogue between Lawless, Gill, and Carson is sharp, but it risks becoming overly expository. While it's important to convey the stakes of the trial, consider weaving in more character-driven dialogue that reveals their personalities and relationships rather than just their professional roles.
  • The scene ends with a sense of intrigue as Lilly watches Marshall leave, but it could be strengthened by a more explicit emotional reaction from her. This would enhance the stakes of their interaction and leave the audience wanting to see more of their dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Revise the opening line to create a more vivid and immersive description of The George Public House, perhaps by incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere.
  • Expand the dialogue between Marshall and Lilly to include more playful banter or subtle tension, allowing their chemistry to develop more organically.
  • Consider adding layers to Carson's character by giving him a personal stake in the trial or a backstory that informs his antagonism, making the conflict feel more compelling.
  • Focus on character-driven dialogue in the exchange between Lawless, Gill, and Carson, allowing their personalities to shine through while still conveying necessary information about the trial.
  • Enhance Lilly's emotional response at the end of the scene to create a stronger connection between her and Marshall, possibly by showing her internal conflict or curiosity about him.



Scene 20 -  A Royal Flush at the Middle Temple
50 EXT/INT. MIDDLE TEMPLE HALL - NIGHT 50
Gowned Barristers walk forward in groups of four past
uniformed servants and into Great Hall, laid out for dinner
in one hundred “messes” of four.
Marshall sits in a mess with Charlie Gill, MONTAGUE DRUIT
(26) and Senior Man, ASHRAF SINGH, QC (50’s).
A fanfare sounds. The master of ceremonies announces.
M.C
All Stand for His Royal Highness
Prince Edward. Prince of Wales.
Everyone stands for PRINCE “BERTY” EDWARD (44) and his son
PRINCE ALBERT VICTOR (21), known as ”EDDY” as they make a
grand entrance.
A MONTAGE shows the royal dinner service begin.
Guests enjoying seven courses with wine.
Then comes the loyal toast.
EVERYONE PRESENT
The Queen.
CUT TO: LATER:
The meal ended, guests play cards, baccarat, and others are
discussing affairs of the day with drinks and cigars.
Marshall watches as we see Carson behaving arrogantly,
ordering the servants about as his table plays poker.
Carson notices Marshall looking over.
EDWARD CARSON
Afraid to gamble with the big boys?
Marshall approaches.
MARSHALL
Is that poker? I’m not really much
good at cards. I’ll give it a go if
you like.
Charlie Gill winks at Marshall.
The look on the avaricious faces of Carson and friends
attracts Prince “Eddy” who also steps forward.
PRINCE “EDDY”
I’ll play. What are the stakes?
Everyone stands and bows their heads.
EDWARD CARSON
Your Royal Highness it would be an
honour. The minimum stake is twenty
guineas. It’s cash only or a marker
acceptable to the winner.
PRINCE “EDDY”
Could someone sub me the stake
money? I would ask my father but he
is speaking to the Prime Minister.
Everyone laughs except Marshall. He is now laser focussed.
Marshall, Prince “Eddy”, Carson, Singh, Gill and Monty Druit
have their cash in front of him. They scrutinise each other.
The DEALER whips out the cards quickly. The players pick them
up with varying degrees of abandon.
Prince “Eddy” is sloppy and drops an ace of hearts.
PRINCE “EDDY” (CONT'D)
Oh bugger.

Marshall picks up and cautiously views his royal flush.
Gill, Druit and “Eddy” fold. Marshall, Singh and Carson play.

Ashraf Singh and Carson ask for new cards. Carson's face
lights up. Singh folds. It’s just Marshall and Carson.

EDWARD CARSON
I raise the stake by a hundred
guineas. Are you in?

Marshall puts his hundred in. Carson looks nervous.

MARSHALL
I raise you another two hundred.

Marshall throws the money in. Carson takes another look at
his cards. He counts his cash. He has only a hundred and ten.
EDWARD CARSON
I have come up a bit short.
MARSHALL
Yes, I'd heard that about you.
Everyone sniggers except Carson who is now riled with
bravado. Exactly the reaction Marshall hoped for.
Carson goes into his pocket and brings out a fine gold
cigarette case. It is encrusted with diamonds.
EDWARD CARSON
I have this.
Marshall holds out his hand and Carson gives it to him.
Marshall takes out a jewellers loupe and examines the
diamonds and the hallmark.
MARSHALL
I accept. Call.
Carson puts down his cards for all to see. It’s a straight
flush of diamonds.
PRINCE “EDDY”
Marshall can’t beat that. Side bet.
Twenty guineas?
Everyone but Monty Druit decline.
MONTAGUE DRUIT
I will take that wager but you
would have to give me two to one.
Carson is sweating and wishes he hadn’t been rude earlier.
PRINCE “EDDY”
Oh, all right. Two to one.
The room falls silent. Everyone gathers around the table.
Marshall flips over his cards.
PRINCE “EDDY” (CONT'D)
A fucking Royal flush!

Marshall has won and there are cheers.

MARSHALL
Beginners luck.

Druit holds out his hand to get his money from “Eddy” who
openly takes it from Marshall’s winnings.

PRINCE “EDDY”
I don’t carry cash.
EDWARD CARSON
Ruined my night.
We see Carson leave taking his card deck with him.
PRINCE “EDDY”
You see. No one likes a loser.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Legal"]

Summary During a lavish royal dinner at the Middle Temple Hall, tensions rise as newcomer Marshall is challenged to a poker game by the arrogant Edward Carson. With Prince Edward joining the game, the stakes escalate. Marshall showcases his skill and ultimately wins with a royal flush, humiliating Carson, who leaves in frustration. The scene captures the competitive spirit and camaraderie among the barristers, set against the opulent backdrop of the Great Hall.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled poker game
  • Sophisticated character interactions
  • Competitive dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, engaging, and adds depth to the characters through their interactions. The high-stakes poker game creates tension and showcases the competitive nature of the characters, making it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes poker game involving prominent characters like Prince Edward and Edward Carson is intriguing and adds an element of sophistication to the storyline. The scene effectively explores themes of competition and power dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the high-stakes poker game and the interactions between the characters, adding depth to their relationships and motivations. It serves to advance the narrative and provide insight into the characters' personalities.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic poker game scenario by incorporating elements of social hierarchy, power dynamics, and character development. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their interactions reveal aspects of their personalities, motivations, and relationships. The dynamic between Prince Edward, Edward Carson, and Marshall is engaging and adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions between the characters reveal aspects of their personalities and motivations, providing insight into their relationships and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to prove himself as a worthy opponent in the high-stakes poker game and gain respect from the other players, especially Carson.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to win the poker game and come out on top financially.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the competitive nature of the characters during the poker game, adding tension and confrontational dynamics to the narrative. The high stakes and power dynamics contribute to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Carson serving as a formidable opponent for Marshall in the poker game, creating suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the poker game add intensity and tension to the scene, driving the conflict and character interactions. The competitive nature of the game elevates the stakes and enhances the overall impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between the characters, advancing the plot through the high-stakes poker game, and setting the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the poker game, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between social status and skill. Marshall, a commoner, challenges Carson, a wealthy and arrogant man, in a game of skill and wit, highlighting the idea that talent and strategy can overcome privilege.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the tension and confrontational tone of the poker game. The competitive spirit and high stakes add depth to the character interactions, but the emotional resonance is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, confrontational, and sophisticated, reflecting the competitive nature of the characters and adding tension to the poker game. The exchanges between the characters are well-crafted and enhance the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high-stakes poker game, the dynamic between the characters, and the suspenseful buildup to the final reveal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension leading to the climactic poker game and the resolution of the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes gambling scene, with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the opulence and social dynamics of a royal dinner, showcasing the contrast between the aristocracy and the legal profession. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen character interactions, particularly between Marshall and Carson. Their exchange feels somewhat surface-level and could be enhanced by incorporating more tension or personal stakes.
  • Marshall's character is established as confident and skilled, particularly in the poker game, which is a strong moment for him. However, the stakes of the poker game could be more clearly defined to heighten the tension. The audience should feel the weight of the gamble, not just in monetary terms but also in terms of reputation and social standing.
  • The introduction of Prince Eddy adds a layer of humor and lightness to the scene, but his character could be fleshed out further. What are his motivations for playing? Is he genuinely interested in the game, or is he trying to assert his status? Adding a line or two that hints at his character could make him more memorable.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the dinner to the poker game could be smoother. The montage of the dinner service feels a bit abrupt and could be integrated more seamlessly into the narrative flow. Consider using dialogue or action to bridge these moments more effectively.
  • The ending of the scene, with Carson leaving in frustration, is a strong conclusion that reinforces the theme of competition and rivalry. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of reflection from Marshall after his victory, allowing the audience to see how this win impacts him emotionally or socially.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue between Marshall and Carson to create a deeper sense of rivalry and tension. Consider adding personal stakes or past grievances that inform their interactions.
  • Clarify the stakes of the poker game by emphasizing what a win or loss means for each character, particularly for Marshall and Carson. This could involve dialogue that hints at their reputations or past encounters.
  • Develop Prince Eddy's character further by adding a line or two that reveals his motivations for participating in the poker game, making him a more engaging presence in the scene.
  • Smooth the transition from the dinner to the poker game by using dialogue or action that connects the two moments, rather than relying solely on a montage.
  • Include a moment of reflection for Marshall after his victory to explore the emotional or social implications of his win, providing a deeper insight into his character.



Scene 21 -  The Weight of Silence
51 INT. 3 DR JOHNSON BUILDINGS - CLERKS ROOM - MORNING 51
The hushed chatter is audible as Marshall enters the chaos of
a Barrister’s Clerks room first thing in the morning.
BERNIE LAWLESS
I have a GBH for Mr Colton.
A rape for Mr Selby. A murder for
Charlie Gill at the Bailey.
JUNIOR clerks seamlessly pick up BRIEFs tied up in pink
ribbon to take to the respective barristers.
BERNIE LAWLESS (CONT'D)
A defamation brief to Mr Plowright,
This landlord and tenant eviction
for Mr Todd....Anyone Seen
Marshall....?

Lawless doesn’t look up.

BERNIE LAWLESS (CONT'D)
Late night?

LAWLESS hands MARSHALL the SNEDDON BRIEF

LAWLESS
First solo murder trial. Shreds the
nerves of the finest. Good luck.

MARSHALL is calm as he flips through the brief.
MARSHALL
The pathologists report?

BERNIE LAWLESS
That is next to the autopsy
photographs in the appendices.

MARSHALL
Sarah’s statement is blank. She
invoked her right to silence. I
need to see her urgently.

BERNIE LAWLESS
I said you would.
MARSHALL
Then I must visit Wiltons to
establish the layout of the crime
scene. We will need a photographer.
BERNIE LAWLESS
I’ve seen to that. The photographer
will see you at Wilton's. You are
to meet Mr. Newton and Gill at
Newgate at ten.

52 INT. 3 DR JOHNSON BUILDINGS - MARSHALL'S ROOM - DAY 52
Marshall is reading the brief, engrossed in the autopsy
report. He marks an illustration in red ink.

53 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - DAY 53
Marshall, Newton and Gill are shown in by The JAILER. He
leads them to the holding cells.
CHARLIE GILL
Mrs Sneddon hasn’t uttered a word
since her arrest. She’s clearly
traumatised. I’m not sure you’ll
get anything from her. The
interview may be mute.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime"]

Summary In a bustling barrister's clerks room, Marshall receives the Sneddon brief for his first solo murder trial from Bernie Lawless, who emphasizes the urgency of gathering information from key witness Sarah and visiting the crime scene. As Marshall prepares for the challenges ahead, he and fellow barristers visit Newgate Jail, where they learn of Mrs. Sneddon's traumatic silence since her arrest, highlighting the emotional stakes and difficulties in their investigation.
Strengths
  • Effective setup for the upcoming trial
  • Detailed focus on investigation and preparation
  • Strong character development for Marshall
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up the upcoming murder trial, establishes the tone of tension and professionalism, and introduces key elements for the plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of preparing for a murder trial and investigating the crime scene is engaging and sets the stage for the legal drama to unfold.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly as Marshall receives the murder trial brief, plans his investigation, and prepares to interview the defendant, laying the groundwork for the upcoming trial.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the legal drama genre by focusing on the intricate details of preparing for a murder trial. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Marshall, are well-developed in this scene, showcasing his dedication, attention to detail, and professionalism as a lawyer.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall's character is shown to be dedicated and meticulous, setting the stage for potential growth and challenges in the upcoming trial.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to prepare for his first solo murder trial, as indicated by his calm demeanor and focus on gathering information and resources for the case. This reflects his desire to prove himself as a competent and capable lawyer.

External Goal: 7.5

Marshall's external goal is to gather information about the case, including visiting the crime scene and meeting with other professionals involved in the trial. This reflects his immediate challenge of preparing a strong defense for his client.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is tension and anticipation in the scene, the conflict is more internal and anticipatory, setting the stage for the legal battle to come.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with challenges and obstacles that create tension and uncertainty for the protagonist. The audience is left wondering how Marshall will overcome these hurdles in his preparation for the trial.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the focus on preparing for the murder trial and investigating the crime scene, setting the stage for the legal battle ahead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key elements for the upcoming trial, establishing the tone and setting, and preparing the audience for the legal drama to unfold.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and obstacles that arise in preparing for the murder trial. The audience is kept on their toes as they wonder how Marshall will navigate these difficulties.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical considerations of defending a client accused of murder. Marshall's commitment to seeking justice and the truth may be challenged by the need to defend someone who may be guilty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, focusing more on the professional and investigative aspects of the scene rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is informative, professional, and sets the tone for the legal proceedings to come, with a focus on the details of the murder trial brief and investigation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' journey. The sense of urgency and complexity in the legal world adds to the scene's overall engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of exposition and action that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The technical aspects of the writing are well-executed, enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with a clear setup of the protagonist's goals and challenges. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the chaotic environment of a barrister's clerks room, which sets the tone for the high-pressure world of legal proceedings. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to reflect the urgency and tension of the situation. Currently, it feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional stakes.
  • Marshall's calm demeanor contrasts sharply with the chaos around him, which is a good character choice. However, it would be beneficial to explore his internal thoughts or feelings about the upcoming trial to deepen the audience's connection to him. This could be achieved through internal monologue or more expressive dialogue.
  • The introduction of the Sneddon brief is crucial, but the scene could benefit from a more vivid description of the brief itself or the implications of the case. This would help the audience understand why this trial is significant and what is at stake for Marshall.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Lawless is functional but lacks subtext. Adding layers to their conversation could enhance character development and provide insight into their relationship. For example, Lawless could express his own fears or doubts about the trial, which would create a more engaging dynamic.
  • The transition from the clerks room to the next scene feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection from Marshall or a visual cue could help bridge the gap and maintain narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more varied dialogue that reflects the personalities of the clerks and their relationships with each other. This could include banter or competitive remarks that highlight the high-stakes environment.
  • Consider adding a moment where Marshall reflects on his nerves or the weight of the trial, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a conversation with Lawless that reveals his thoughts on the case.
  • Enhance the description of the Sneddon brief and its contents to emphasize the gravity of the case. This could include a line about the public interest or the potential consequences for the Sneddons.
  • Introduce subtext in the dialogue between Marshall and Lawless. For instance, Lawless could hint at his own experiences with difficult cases, which would add depth to their interaction.
  • Add a transitional moment that allows the audience to feel the shift from the clerks room to the next location. This could be a visual cue, such as Marshall taking a deep breath before leaving, or a line that reflects his determination.



Scene 22 -  Silent Struggles
54 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - CELL - DAY 54
Marshall and Newton enter. Sarah is crying. Her eye is
swollen and her lip is cut
ARTHUR NEWTON (INAPPROPRIATELY LOUD)
Mrs. Sneddon, this is Marshall. He
will defend you in court.
Marshall kneels gently beside SARAH
MARSHALL
What happened to your face?
SARAH says nothing. Her eyes meet MARSHALL’s defiantly.
Marshall can see a pain that only injustice creates.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
You may confide in me, madam.

A long beat

SARAH SNEDDON
Some in this place find my
complexion disturbing.
Marshall hands her a clean handkerchief to wipe her tears.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Mr. Gill will defend Billy.
SARAH looks up
SARAH SNEDDON
Why do we need three lawyers?
ARTHUR NEWTON
I am a solicitor. Only a barrister
can defend you at trial.
MARSHALL
You are charged with murder. My
duty is to defend you. And I will
to the very best of my ability.
SARAH SNEDDON
Do we both have to pay?
ARTHUR NEWTON
Yes, you both had a lot of money
when you were arrested. You said
nothing to the police about that?
MARSHALL
Did the Navy men give you that
money for sex?
SARAH SNEDDON
I have the right to silence?
MARSHALL (NODDING)
The prosecution must prove their
own case beyond a reasonable doubt.
SARAH SNEDDON
I will not help the prosecution
hang my husband by providing a
motive. I shall remain silent.
MARSHALL
Forget the prosecution. To defend
you I must know what happened.
Sarah’s face hardens as she reminisces.
SARAH SNEDDON
I am a good person, I found
happiness when Billy saved me.
MARSHALL
Something happened to provoke
Billy. Was it the money?
SARAH SNEDDON
It is private.
Sarah cannot maintain eye contact with Marshall.
MARSHALL
The Jury will hang you if they
think the attack was unprovoked.I
do not want that to happen.
Sarah clutches a Crucifix hung on a chain around her neck.
SARAH SNEDDON
My faith will keep me safe.
Marshall gives an understanding nod.
ARTHUR NEWTON
God cannot save you Mrs. Sneddon.
SARAH SNEDDON
I will hang for the things I did.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Are you admitting you deliberately
stabbed Lieutenant Brown?
SARAH SNEDDON
Will a guilty plea save Billy?
MARSHALL
Pleading guilty will only hang you
it will not save Billy.
We can see Sarah is in turmoil.
SARAH SNEDDON
This is all my fault.
MARSHALL
Please. Please tell me the truth.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Crime"]

Summary In a tense jail cell scene, defense attorney Marshall and solicitor Newton confront Sarah Sneddon, who is visibly distressed with injuries. Despite Marshall's compassionate attempts to connect and urge her to share crucial information for her defense, Sarah remains silent, fearing that revealing details may implicate her husband, Billy. Clinging to her faith for protection, she grapples with guilt and turmoil over their situation. The scene highlights the emotional weight of her choices as Marshall pleads for her cooperation, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Dialogue richness
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, delving deep into the emotional and moral complexities of the characters. The tension and conflict are palpable, and the dialogue is rich with subtext and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Sarah's inner turmoil and moral dilemma in the face of legal proceedings is compelling and adds depth to the overall narrative. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of the characters' motivations.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly through the revelations and conflicts in this scene. It sets up the legal defense strategy for the upcoming trial and deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the legal drama genre by focusing on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the complexity of the characters add originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are well-developed, especially Sarah Sneddon, whose internal struggles and moral dilemmas are portrayed with nuance and depth. Marshall and Newton also show complexity and empathy in their interactions.

Character Changes: 9

Sarah undergoes a significant internal change as she grapples with her silence and the implications of her actions. Marshall also shows growth in his determination to uncover the truth and defend Sarah effectively.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the crime and defend the accused with integrity. This reflects his deeper desire for justice and his fear of failing to protect the innocent.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information from the accused to build a defense strategy for the upcoming trial. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the legal system and proving innocence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Sarah grapples with her silence and the weight of her actions. There is also an underlying tension between the characters as they navigate the legal proceedings.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations, hidden agendas, and moral dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of the trial.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Sarah faces murder charges and the possibility of a guilty verdict. The scene highlights the life-altering consequences of her silence and the importance of uncovering the truth.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the legal defense strategy for the trial and deepening the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and conflicts. It adds layers to the narrative and raises the stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the revelation of new information, and the unexpected twists in the dialogue. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will act or what the outcome will be.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth, justice, and sacrifice. Sarah's refusal to provide a motive challenges the values of honesty and self-preservation, while Marshall's pursuit of the truth clashes with Sarah's desire to protect her husband.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into Sarah's inner turmoil and moral struggle. The raw emotions and poignant moments make it a standout in terms of emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is powerful and revealing, capturing the emotional intensity of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' conflicting emotions, motivations, and moral quandaries.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful dialogue exchanges. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals, emotional beats, and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's intensity and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character emotions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a legal drama, with clear character motivations, conflict development, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the emotional weight of Sarah's situation, showcasing her trauma and the stakes involved in her defense. However, the dialogue can feel somewhat expository, particularly with Arthur Newton's lines. His introduction of Marshall as her defender could be more subtle, perhaps through Sarah's reaction rather than a direct statement.
  • Marshall's character comes across as compassionate, but his dialogue could benefit from more nuance. Instead of stating, 'You may confide in me, madam,' he could express his willingness to listen in a more empathetic manner, which would deepen the emotional connection between him and Sarah.
  • The conflict in the scene is clear, but the stakes could be heightened. Sarah's insistence on silence feels somewhat abrupt. Expanding on her internal struggle or providing a flashback or memory could enhance the audience's understanding of her motivations and fears.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The dialogue exchanges feel rushed at times, particularly when discussing the legal implications. Slowing down the rhythm during key emotional beats could allow the audience to absorb the gravity of Sarah's situation.
  • The use of physical actions, such as Marshall handing Sarah a handkerchief, is a nice touch, but it could be expanded. More physicality in their interactions could convey the emotional tension more effectively, such as Marshall hesitating before touching her or Sarah flinching at his approach.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Arthur Newton's dialogue to be less expository. Instead of stating facts outright, allow the characters to reveal information through their interactions and emotional responses.
  • Enhance Marshall's empathetic approach by incorporating more subtle language that reflects his understanding of Sarah's trauma, perhaps by sharing a personal anecdote or expressing vulnerability.
  • Introduce a brief flashback or memory for Sarah that illustrates her past and the events leading to her current situation. This could provide context for her reluctance to speak and deepen her character.
  • Slow down the pacing during critical emotional exchanges. Allow pauses for reflection and emotional weight, giving the audience time to connect with the characters' struggles.
  • Incorporate more physical actions and reactions to convey the emotional tension. For example, show Sarah's body language more vividly, such as her flinching away from Marshall or clutching her crucifix tightly, to emphasize her fear and turmoil.



Scene 23 -  Tensions Rise: A Day of Discovery and Danger
55 EXT. THE EMBANKMENT PIER - DAY 55
Marshall and Gill walk in awkward silence.
MARSHALL
What do you think of Newton?
They pass HMS Polyphemus in the line of moored vessels.
CHARLIE GILL
Good solicitor. Sails too close to
the wind. Play the system. He pays
well and he is an arch Royalist.
MARSHALL
Yes, that sounds right. I still
can't help liking him.
CHARLIE GILL
He will get us disbarred if we are
not careful and himself struck off.
A NEWSPAPER BOY is selling his wares with the billboard
headline "MURDERED BOY FOUND IN THE THAMES." Marshall buys a
copy and reads the headline story.
MARSHALL
It says here the vice squad are
convinced these murders are
connected to people trafficking.
Marshall holds up the paper.
CHARLIE GILL
I asked Billy Sneddon why he had so
much cash on him when he was
arrested. He said that was to do
with people trafficking.
MARSHALL
Sarah had cash as well. What
exactly did Billy tell you?
CHARLIE GILL
The gist was before the killings he
was checking immigration papers on
the docks. There was a police raid.

56 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL, FIRE PLACE - DAY 56
A camera flash goes off. We are in the familiar surroundings
of Wilton’s Music Hall.
Marshall stands where Lieutenant Brown died. The fire is
burning bright and illuminates the visible bloodstains on the
low ceiling beam where Brown hit his head.
A PHOTOGRAPHER repositions the camera and tripod.
MARSHALL
Get in close, please, Bertie.
Another camera Flash.
Charlie Gill is looking at blood stains on the floor boards.
CHARLIE GILL
This is where Andrews died. The
autopsy can’t determine whether the
wound was inflicted deliberately or
whether it was misadventure. Would
you take a look for me?
MARSHALL
Of course. I am having lunch with
my father tomorrow to the case.
The distant sound of an explosion is followed by a sonic boom
which shocks those who hear it.
Marshall and Gill run to the front entrance to the bar and
look down River. They can see a PLUME OF SMOKE rising above
the Tower of London.Bells start to ring.
CHARLIE GILL
The Fenian dynamite campaign?
MARSHALL
(introspective)
As an Irishman Charlie, I would
keep your head down.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Marshall and Gill walk along the embankment pier, contemplating the dual nature of solicitor Newton's influence on their careers. Their conversation is interrupted by a newspaper boy's report of a murdered child, leading to discussions about people trafficking and the implications of their findings. At Wilton's Music Hall, they investigate the site of Lieutenant Brown's death, but their focus shifts dramatically when an explosion at the Tower of London signals the escalating threat of the Fenian dynamite campaign.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing investigation
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Some dialogue may be exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the investigation of the murder case and the revelation of new information. The dynamic between Marshall and Gill adds depth to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering the truth behind a murder case involving people trafficking is intriguing and adds depth to the overall narrative. The scene effectively explores the complexities of the case and the characters involved.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the murder case. The investigation adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the Fenian dynamite campaign and the connection to people trafficking, adding fresh perspectives to the crime investigation genre.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Marshall and Gill are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their investigative skills and dynamic relationship. Their interactions add depth to the narrative and drive the investigation forward.

Character Changes: 7

The character of Marshall shows growth and determination as he delves deeper into the investigation and uncovers new information. His commitment to uncovering the truth drives the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the murders and the connection to people trafficking. This reflects his desire for justice and his commitment to solving the case.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to investigate the crime scenes and gather evidence. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in solving the case and bringing the perpetrators to justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters uncover new details about the murder case and navigate the complexities of the investigation. Tensions rise as suspicions grow, adding to the suspense of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the challenges of investigating the murders and the threat of the Fenian dynamite campaign, adds tension and uncertainty to the plot.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters uncover new information about the murder case and its potential connection to people trafficking. The implications of their findings raise the stakes and add urgency to the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial details about the murder case and raising suspicions of people trafficking. The investigation progresses, adding depth to the narrative and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events like the explosion and the revelation of new information about the case.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of playing the system and the consequences of getting involved in dangerous criminal activities. This challenges Marshall's beliefs in justice and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the characters grapple with the gravity of the murder case and the implications of people trafficking. The tension and intrigue evoke a sense of concern and curiosity in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and investigative nature of the investigation. The exchanges between characters reveal new information and add to the overall intrigue of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing dialogue, and the unfolding mystery of the case.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression, fitting the expected format for a crime investigation genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the emotional turmoil of Sarah Sneddon to the more action-oriented investigation of Marshall and Gill. However, the shift in tone could be more pronounced to emphasize the contrast between Sarah's internal conflict and the external events unfolding.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Gill is functional but lacks a deeper emotional resonance. While they discuss important plot points, their conversation feels somewhat expository. Adding subtext or personal stakes could enhance the tension and engagement.
  • The introduction of the newspaper boy and the headline about the murdered boy serves as a good plot device to connect the characters' investigation to the larger themes of crime and trafficking. However, the scene could benefit from a more vivid description of the environment to immerse the audience in the setting.
  • The explosion serves as a dramatic turning point, but the lead-up to it feels rushed. Building tension through more sensory details or character reactions could heighten the impact of the explosion and its implications.
  • The introspective line from Marshall about being Irish feels somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the conversation. It might benefit from a more natural lead-in or follow-up to clarify its significance in the context of the ongoing investigation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Marshall and Gill's conversation by incorporating personal stakes or reflections on their past experiences, which could create a stronger connection to the audience.
  • Enhance the setting description to create a more vivid atmosphere at the embankment pier, using sensory details to evoke the sights, sounds, and smells of the location.
  • Expand on the characters' reactions to the explosion. This could include physical responses, dialogue, or even a moment of silence to reflect the gravity of the situation, making the moment more impactful.
  • Integrate Marshall's introspective comment about being Irish more smoothly into the dialogue, perhaps by having Gill prompt him with a question or comment that leads to this reflection.
  • Consider using the newspaper headline as a springboard for a deeper discussion between Marshall and Gill about the implications of the murders, allowing them to express their concerns or fears about the case and its connection to their own lives.



Scene 24 -  Secrets in the Shadows
57 INT. THE GEORGE PUBLIC HOUSE - DAY 57
Marshall arrives at The George as Lilly Fortune is
interviewing Inspector Abberline for an article.
Lilly looks over and indicates to Marshall to join them.
LILLY FORTUNE
We were just finishing up. Do you
know Marshall Inspector....?
Abberline stands and extends is arm.
ABBERLINE
This young man frequently twists my
detectives around his little finger
in the witness box at The Bailey.
MARSHALL
Did you not lead a raid a people
smuggling operation on the
Embankment Pier two nights ago,
Inspector?
ABBERLINE
You are remarkably well informed
Marshall. Who told you that?
LILLY FORTUNE
We were just discussing how that
event might be connected to this.
Lilly raises a copy of the Daily Sketch, and we recognise the
front page story of THE BODY found in the Thames.
MARSHALL
You think the dead boy was
trafficked?
LILLY FORTUNE
He hasn’t yet been identified.
ABBERLINE
They often kill and dump the
troublesome ones. Who told you
about the raid?
MARSHALL
My informant was given fifteen
pounds by someone. Does that help?
Abberline sits forward.
ABBERLINE
Customs officer Sneddon told you?
LILLY FORTUNE
He might recognise a photograph of
the boy if we could get one.
ABBERLINE
He inspected all of immigration
papers. Just my luck he has
vanished from the face.
(a few beats)
I’ll be honest,they may have
killed Sneddon and disposed of him.
MARSHALL
No Inspector. It’s much worse than
that.

58 INT. LINCOLN'S INN DINING HALL. NIGHT 58
Servants bring dinner and bottles of port to a table of men.
Judge Peach, CAPTAIN HUBERT BLIGHT in full naval uniform,
Ashraf Singh, and Edward Carson appear as thick as thieves.
CAPTAIN BLIGHT
Something has to be done.The brutal
murder of two of my officers
unpunished.wouldn’t do. Wouldn’t do
at all.
ASHRAF SINGH
The law could take its course?
CAPTAIN BLIGHT
As long as the Sneddons swing.
EDWARD CARSON
I may have a solution.

59 INT. ROYAL COLLEGE OF SURGEONS - OPERATING THEATRE - DAY 59
Marshall arrives as his father is changing into scrubs.
DOCTOR ALFRED MARSHALL HALL (60's), is an eminent physician.
Alfred is about to present a lecture to his final year
students seated overlooking the operating theatre.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Are you early or am I late?
MARSHALL
I have an autopsy I wish to
discuss. Still free for lunch?
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Yes, if you can stomach another
dissection for my undergraduates?
MARSHALL
I never tire of watching you work.
Marshall observes the corpse on the slab has its heart
removed. The students all watch as Alfred dissects it.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Damage to the heart interrupts the
flow of oxygenated blood. It causes
irreparable damage to the brain and
vital organs resulting in death.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In The George Public House, Marshall joins Lilly Fortune and Inspector Abberline as they discuss a recent raid on a people smuggling operation linked to a body found in the Thames. They uncover the mysterious disappearance of customs officer Sneddon, leading to speculation about his fate. As the tension rises, Marshall hints at a deeper danger, leaving Abberline and Lilly with a sense of foreboding about the investigation.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in transitioning between locations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines multiple genres, sets a tense and suspenseful tone, and introduces intriguing elements that keep the audience engaged. The intricate plot, well-developed characters, and high stakes contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a murder investigation, legal proceedings, and societal issues, is well-developed and engaging. It explores complex themes and challenges the audience to think critically about justice and morality.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is intricate, with multiple layers of conflict, mystery, and suspense. It keeps the audience guessing and sets up intriguing developments for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on historical crime fiction, blending elements of mystery, justice, and medical science. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative, making it stand out.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities, motivations, and conflicts. Their interactions drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their beliefs, motivations, and relationships. These changes drive the narrative forward and add complexity to the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the dead boy found in the Thames and the potential connection to a people smuggling operation. This reflects his desire for justice and his commitment to solving mysteries.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to investigate the connection between the dead boy and the people smuggling operation, as well as to uncover the truth behind the disappearance of Customs officer Sneddon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, both internal and external, driving the tension and suspense. The conflicts between characters, societal norms, and moral dilemmas create a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and hidden agendas among the characters. The uncertainty of how the investigation will unfold adds to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is filled with high stakes, including life-and-death situations, legal consequences, and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions have significant repercussions, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, resolving conflicts, and setting up future developments. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the revelation of new information that challenges the characters' beliefs and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, morality, and the consequences of criminal activities. Marshall's belief in seeking justice clashes with the corrupt practices of those involved in criminal activities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including tension, concern, and intrigue. The high stakes, complex relationships, and moral dilemmas add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging, realistic, and reveals important information about the characters and plot. It effectively conveys emotions, conflicts, and relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing plot developments, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mysteries and conflicts presented, eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and action sequences. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and eager for more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension surrounding the investigation into the body found in the Thames. The dialogue between Marshall, Lilly, and Abberline is sharp and informative, providing necessary exposition without feeling forced.
  • However, the scene could benefit from deeper character development. While Marshall and Lilly are established as competent and resourceful, Abberline comes off as somewhat one-dimensional. Adding a personal stake or emotional weight to his character could enhance the scene's impact.
  • The pacing is generally good, but the transition from the conversation about the raid to the implications of Sneddon's disappearance feels abrupt. A smoother segue could help maintain the flow and build suspense.
  • The dialogue is engaging, but some lines could be tightened for clarity. For instance, Abberline's line about Sneddon vanishing could be more concise to heighten the tension. Instead of 'Just my luck he has vanished from the face,' consider a more direct phrasing that conveys urgency.
  • The visual elements are minimal in this scene. Describing the setting of The George Public House in more detail could enhance the atmosphere and provide context for the characters' interactions. Consider incorporating sensory details that reflect the mood of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving Abberline a personal connection to Sneddon or the case, which would add depth to his character and make his concerns more relatable.
  • Add more descriptive elements to the setting to create a vivid atmosphere. For example, describe the ambiance of The George Public House, the sounds of patrons, or the smell of food and drink to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Revise some of the dialogue for brevity and impact. Focus on making each line count, ensuring that every piece of dialogue serves to advance the plot or develop character.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or conflict between Marshall and Abberline to create a more dynamic interaction. This could be a disagreement on the investigation's direction or differing opinions on the importance of Sneddon's disappearance.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger that propels the narrative forward, leaving the audience eager to see what happens next.



Scene 25 -  Picnic Tensions
60 EXT. LINCOLN'S INN - WALLED GARDENS - DAY 60
Marshall and Alfred are having a picnic lunch in the
spectacular gardens of Lincoln's Inn.
Alfred is reading the pathologist's report as he juggles game
pie, cherry tomatoes and pickled onions on his plate.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Haven’t seen you at home in a
while. Your mother misses you. And
I’m sure Ethel feels the same way.
MARSHALL
Busy. You know how it is.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
With that Yankee showgirl by all
accounts.
MARSHALL
Actress, father. Actress.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
You’re doing well, getting
noticed,don’t throw it away on
tawdry scandal. People talk. Be
better off with a smart English
girl like Ethel Moon on your arm.
MARSHALL
Ethel is my good friend. Not my
future wife.
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Mmmm.
ALFRED looks up from reading with a withering stare. They let
the domestic conversation hang and return to business.
MARSHALL
What am I missing?
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
Head wounds bleed. I gave you
fifteen stitches as a child.
MARSHALL
That's my point. Why was this head
wound so different?
ALFRED MARSHALL HALL
For the same reason, the heart
wound didn't bleed. It's very
simple. Look, and ye shall find.
Alfred points out one line in the autopsy. Marshall
underlines it in red ink with his fountain pen.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In the serene gardens of Lincoln's Inn, Marshall and his father Alfred enjoy a picnic that quickly turns serious. Alfred expresses concern over Marshall's busy life and his relationship with a showgirl, urging him to consider the consequences of his choices. As their conversation shifts to a pathologist's report, they analyze discrepancies in a head wound related to an ongoing investigation. The light-hearted atmosphere contrasts with the gravity of their discussion, culminating in Marshall highlighting a crucial detail in the report, signaling a pivotal moment in their case.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of personal and professional elements
  • Informative dialogue revealing crucial details
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of direct conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines personal and professional elements, providing crucial information about the case while developing the relationship between the characters. The dialogue is engaging and informative, setting the stage for further investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring forensic evidence in a murder case while incorporating personal dynamics adds depth to the scene. It sets the stage for further investigation and character development.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced through the revelation of crucial details in the autopsy report, laying the groundwork for future developments in the murder case. The scene contributes to the overall narrative progression.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the father-son relationship trope by incorporating elements of mystery and intellectual curiosity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding originality to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with the father-son relationship adding emotional depth to the scene. Their interaction provides insight into their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, but it deepens the relationship between Marshall and his father, showcasing their dynamic and setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to assert his independence and defend his choices against his father's expectations. This reflects his need for autonomy and self-determination.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to understand the significance of a head wound in an autopsy report. This reflects his immediate challenge of solving a mystery or medical puzzle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict in the scene, the tension arises from the discussion of the autopsy report and its implications for the murder case. The conflict is more subtle but drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Alfred challenges Marshall's choices and beliefs, creating conflict and tension. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their conversation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as the revelation of the autopsy findings could impact the outcome of the murder case. The importance of the details uncovered adds tension and significance to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial details about the murder case and setting up future plot developments. It lays the groundwork for the investigation and legal proceedings.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' shifting dynamics and the mystery surrounding the autopsy report. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conversation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around traditional values versus personal freedom. Alfred represents the traditional mindset, while Marshall embodies modern individualism. This challenges Marshall's beliefs about societal expectations and personal fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of concern and curiosity, particularly regarding the significance of the autopsy findings. The emotional impact is moderate but sets the stage for future developments.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and informative, blending personal conversation with professional analysis seamlessly. It enhances character dynamics and advances the plot effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of personal conflict, intellectual intrigue, and familial dynamics. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in, creating tension and emotional resonance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting is clear and concise, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, balancing exposition, dialogue, and character development effectively. It adheres to the expected format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes a light-hearted picnic with serious discussions about a pathologist's report, creating an interesting contrast. However, the transition between the domestic conversation and the more serious topic could be smoother to maintain the flow.
  • Alfred's character serves as a grounding force for Marshall, but his dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth. Instead of merely advising Marshall to avoid scandal, he could express genuine concern for his son's well-being, which would add layers to their relationship.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly when discussing the pathologist's report. While it's important to convey information, consider integrating it more naturally into the conversation rather than having characters state facts outright. This could enhance the realism of their interaction.
  • Marshall's dismissal of Ethel as a potential romantic partner feels a bit abrupt. Expanding on his feelings towards Ethel or providing a brief backstory could make his stance more relatable and deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • The use of specific details, such as 'fifteen stitches as a child,' adds a personal touch to their conversation. However, it might be beneficial to explore how this memory affects Marshall's current perspective on the case, linking his past experiences to the present situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Marshall after Alfred's comments about Ethel, allowing him to express his thoughts or feelings about his romantic life, which could create a more nuanced character portrayal.
  • To enhance the emotional stakes, include a moment where Alfred shares a personal anecdote related to the case or his own experiences, which could foster a deeper connection between the characters and provide insight into their motivations.
  • Revise the dialogue to incorporate more subtext, allowing characters to imply their feelings rather than stating them directly. This can create tension and intrigue, making the scene more engaging for the audience.
  • Introduce a visual element that symbolizes the contrast between the picnic's lightness and the gravity of their discussion, such as a nearby couple enjoying a carefree moment, which could serve as a poignant reminder of the stakes involved in their conversation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or moment that encapsulates the tension between their personal lives and the serious nature of the case, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of urgency.



Scene 26 -  Love Amidst Tragedy
61 EXT. OLD BAILEY- DAY 61
The streets are full of people and traffic coming to the
opening day of what the Daily Sketch is calling “The Music
Hall Double Homicide”.
Newspaper boys have brisk trade and there is already a queue
forming by the public entrance.
A carriage pulls up and out jumps Bernie Lawless carrying a
number of law books. Next out is Arthur Newton.

62 EXT. OLD BAILEY - ENTRANCE. DAY 62
Lilly Fortune is waiting with Xing Fu as Marshall arrives.
MARSHALL
Morning, Lilly. What have you there
Xing?
Xing has a charcoal drawing which she hands to Marshall.
XING FU
We thought you would like this.
Marshall holds it up. It is a Punch style sketch of the
courtroom scene with a very handsome Marshall defending
Rosenberg against angry Judge Peach who tears his hair out.
MARSHALL
That is wonderful Xing. May I keep
it? I shall have it framed?
XING FU
Of course.
Marshall kisses Xing on the cheek. Xing smiles.
LILLY FORTUNE
I want to discuss how the Daily
Sketch might portray the Sneddon's.
XING FU
We could make this more of a human
interest story. Perhaps balance out
the horror of the killings.
Marshall isn’t sure if she is being serious.
MARSHALL
If you can level the playing field
that would really help them.
Xing holds up two more individual images side by side. One is
Sarah, the other Billy. Both very sympathetic to their
subjects.
XING FU
The police brought them into court
at dawn. They used some sort of
short hand to speak.
The images show them lovingly turning towards each other with
Sarah seeming to sign to Billy as if deaf.
MARSHALL
These are excellent. What's the
angle?
LILLY FORTUNE
British solider marries Zulu woman.
But how do they communicate? Love
finds a way! Romantic Stuff.
The penny drops. Marshall smiles.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary On the opening day of the high-profile 'Music Hall Double Homicide' case outside the Old Bailey, Bernie Lawless arrives with law books, joined by Arthur Newton. Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu await Marshall, presenting him with a charcoal drawing of a courtroom scene. They discuss how to portray the Sneddon case in the Daily Sketch, suggesting a human interest angle that emphasizes the love story between a British soldier and a Zulu woman. Marshall appreciates their ideas, leading to a moment of camaraderie as they agree on a sympathetic narrative that highlights love overcoming cultural barriers.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective character introductions
  • Intriguing setup for the trial
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and sets up intrigue for the upcoming trial. It effectively introduces key characters, themes, and conflicts while maintaining a sense of mystery and sympathy for the accused.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of exploring the media portrayal of the accused, using courtroom sketches, and discussing the balance between horror and sympathy is unique and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces key elements related to the upcoming trial, including the media coverage, character dynamics, and thematic considerations. It sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the legal drama genre by focusing on the media's role in shaping public perception of a case. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the storytelling.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene effectively introduces and develops key characters, such as Marshall, Lilly Fortune, and Xing Fu. Their interactions and dialogue provide insight into their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character development, particularly in Marshall's interactions with Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu. The scene sets up potential changes and growth for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the media portrayal of the case and ensure a fair representation of the defendants. This reflects Marshall's desire for justice and fairness in the legal system.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to strategize with the media team on how to present the defendants in a more sympathetic light to the public. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing public perception and potentially influencing the outcome of the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not overt conflict in the scene, there is tension and anticipation surrounding the upcoming trial, as well as potential conflicts related to the media coverage and portrayal of the accused.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face challenges in navigating media coverage and ethical dilemmas in portraying the defendants.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the impending trial of the Sneddon's, the media coverage, and the potential outcomes for the accused. The scene sets up high stakes and anticipation for the trial.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics related to the upcoming trial. It sets the stage for further developments and reveals important information.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' strategies for media portrayal and the evolving dynamics between the legal team and the media.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of balancing sensationalism with human interest in media coverage. Marshall and the media team debate on how to portray the defendants in a way that is both engaging and respectful.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of sympathy and intrigue, setting up emotional connections with the characters and anticipation for the trial. The use of courtroom sketches adds a humanizing element.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, informative, and reveals important details about the characters and the upcoming trial. It sets the tone for the scene and establishes key relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high stakes of the case, and the strategic planning involved in managing public perception.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest through strategic dialogue exchanges and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with a clear setup of the setting and characters, leading to a conflict that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets the stage for the high-profile case, capturing the public's interest and the bustling atmosphere outside the Old Bailey. However, the transition from the previous scene could be smoother; the emotional weight of the autopsy report discussion feels abruptly shifted to a lighter tone without a clear bridge.
  • The dialogue between Marshall, Lilly, and Xing Fu is engaging and showcases their camaraderie, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, while discussing the human interest angle, there could be hints of their underlying concerns about the case's implications, adding depth to their conversation.
  • Xing Fu's character shines through her artistic contributions, but her dialogue could be more distinct. Currently, her lines blend with the others, making it hard to differentiate her voice. Consider giving her a unique way of expressing herself that reflects her background and personality.
  • The visual elements, such as the charcoal drawing, are a strong addition, but the scene could further emphasize the contrast between the courtroom's gravity and the light-hearted banter among the characters. This juxtaposition could enhance the emotional stakes of the case they are about to face.
  • The scene ends on a positive note with Marshall's smile, which feels somewhat disconnected from the serious nature of the trial. A more nuanced ending that reflects both hope and the weight of the situation could create a stronger emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of reflection for Marshall as he transitions from the previous scene, perhaps acknowledging the gravity of the case before engaging in lighter banter.
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue about the Sneddon case, allowing characters to express their concerns or fears about public perception and the trial's outcome.
  • Differentiate Xing Fu's dialogue by giving her a unique phrase or mannerism that reflects her character, making her contributions stand out more.
  • Enhance the visual contrast by describing the surroundings in more detail, such as the expressions of the crowd or the atmosphere, to highlight the tension between the public's excitement and the characters' internal struggles.
  • Consider ending the scene with a line that hints at the challenges ahead, perhaps a comment from Marshall that acknowledges the weight of the case, leaving the audience with a sense of foreboding.



Scene 27 -  Tensions in the Robing Room
63 INT. OLD BAILEY- ROBING ROOM - DAY 63
Marshall and Gill are changing into Barristerial attire, when
Bernie Lawless enters, carrying volumes of legal texts.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Good morning gentlemen. Now, let me
see, I have the Law of Provocation
in Homicide for Mr. Gill.
He holds up a bound reference book. Gill takes it.
CHARLIE GILL
Thank you, Bernie.
MARSHALL
Did you find --
Lawless holds up a thinner volume.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Inchoate Offences - The Law of
Impossible Attempts".Whatever that
means. This took some finding. High
shelf in Lincoln's Inn library.
Covered in dust.
Marshall, takes the book and looks at it wanly. A sudden
panic, he quickly loosens his collar, then suddenly nausea
grips him, he holds his gut, dashes out of the room...

64 INT. OLD BAILEY - THE LAVATORY. DAY 64
...Marshall rushes into a stall, where he vomits copiously.

65 INT. OLD BAILEY - ROBING ROOM - DAY 65
Ashraf Singh and Edward Carson are prepping for the case.
Marshall re-enters the room looking green around the gills.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Stage fright Marshall?
General amusement.
Charlie Gill goes to Ashraf Singh to discuss the case.
CHARLIE GILL
What are we saying, Ash? Not guilty
by self-defence all around, then
lunch on me at the George?
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Afraid not, Charlie. Navy is very
angry. Not keen on civilians
butchering their officers.
EDWARD CARSON
Especially black females in a room
full of witnesses.
They all look at Carson with disdain.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Carson is offensive but essentially
correct.
EDWARD CARSON
One of the Sneddons has to swing,
so why not her?
MARSHALL
Come on Carson. They both acted in
self-defence. At worst, it’s
involuntary manslaughter. The wife
is only guilty of bad luck and the
colour of her skin.
Singh looks at Marshall as if he has lost all reasoning.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Have you taken leave of your
senses? An African woman killed a
British Naval Officer - in a bar.
EDWARD CARSON
Our instructions are to win at all
costs. You might want to remember
Billy is a war hero.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In the Old Bailey's robing room, Marshall panics after receiving a legal text on Inchoate Offences, leading him to vomit before rejoining his colleagues. As Ashraf Singh and Edward Carson prepare for a case involving a black woman accused of killing a British naval officer, a heated debate erupts over the defense strategy, highlighting racial tensions and differing opinions on self-defense. The scene is marked by Marshall's anxiety and the group's contentious discussions, culminating in his defense of the accused despite pushback from his peers.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in some legal terms or procedures

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the tension and conflict surrounding the legal case, with strong character dynamics and thought-provoking dialogue. The exploration of themes like justice, race, and morality adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring racial bias, self-defense, and moral ambiguity within a legal setting is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of the case and the ethical challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the legal case and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, driving the narrative forward with tension and conflict. The exploration of justice, prejudice, and self-defense adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on legal ethics and racial dynamics within the legal system. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and conflicting motivations. The interactions between the characters reveal their moral complexities and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases the characters' evolving perspectives and moral dilemmas, particularly Marshall's growing defiance and determination to seek justice. The interactions and conflicts lead to subtle changes in the characters' attitudes and beliefs.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to maintain his composure and professionalism despite feeling panic and nausea. This reflects his desire to succeed in his legal career and overcome personal challenges.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for the case and defend their client effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a difficult legal situation and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with moral dilemmas, racial bias, and legal challenges. The intense debate and confrontations heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters grapple with a complex legal case involving racial bias, self-defense, and moral ambiguity. The outcome of the trial will have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and moral dilemmas that will impact the narrative. The legal battle and the characters' decisions set the stage for future developments in the storyline.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting views and the unexpected turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' differing views on justice, race, and the legal system. This challenges Marshall's beliefs about fairness and equality in the legal system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and frustration to defiance and moral turmoil. The characters' struggles and conflicting viewpoints create an emotional resonance that engages the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, confrontational, and thought-provoking, effectively conveying the conflicting viewpoints of the characters. The dialogue enhances the tension and drama of the legal battle, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of tension, humor, and moral dilemmas. The characters' interactions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic moment with Marshall's sudden illness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama, with a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and stakes surrounding the trial, particularly through Marshall's panic and subsequent vomiting, which serves as a physical manifestation of his anxiety. This adds depth to his character and highlights the pressure he feels as a barrister in a high-profile case.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the competitive nature of the courtroom, particularly the exchanges between Marshall, Ashraf Singh, and Edward Carson. However, the scene could benefit from more subtext in the dialogue to convey the underlying tensions and prejudices surrounding the case, especially regarding race and gender.
  • The introduction of the legal texts adds a layer of realism to the scene, grounding it in the legal world. However, the mention of 'Inchoate Offences' feels somewhat disconnected from the immediate context of the trial. It might be more effective to tie this reference directly to the case at hand to maintain narrative cohesion.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly through the banter about stage fright and the disdain for Carson's comments, lightens the mood amidst the serious subject matter. However, the humor should not undermine the gravity of the situation; balancing this tone is crucial.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Marshall's panic to the courtroom banter could be smoother. The abruptness of his exit and return might benefit from a brief moment of silence or a reaction shot from the other characters to emphasize the impact of his distress.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Marshall as he panics, which could provide insight into his thoughts and fears about the case, enhancing the audience's connection to his character.
  • Incorporate more visual cues or reactions from the other characters to emphasize the tension in the room, particularly after Carson's offensive remark. This could heighten the emotional stakes and showcase the varied responses to the racial dynamics at play.
  • Clarify the significance of the legal texts by having the characters discuss how they relate to the case, perhaps by referencing specific legal precedents or implications that could affect the trial's outcome.
  • Maintain the humor but ensure it serves to highlight the absurdity of the situation rather than detract from the seriousness of the trial. This could involve more nuanced jokes that reflect the characters' personalities and the gravity of their circumstances.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or moment that encapsulates the tension and stakes of the trial, leaving the audience with a sense of foreboding as they transition into the courtroom.



Scene 28 -  Courtroom Clash: The Sneddon Case
66 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - DAY 66
Marshall enters court, sees Lilly on the press benches,
smiles, then sits.
Lilly smiles back, discreetly points to his un-attached
collar, which he quickly rectifies.
Billy and Sarah Sneddon are placed in the dock.
The Jury enters to be seated in their box. The USHER stands.
CAPTAIN BLIGHT is in full uniform as he enters the public
gallery with great flourish.
The Jury is transfixed as they watch him getting seated.
USHER
All rise for Mr. Justice Peach.
Counsels rise for the Judge's entrance. Then all bow.
JUDGE PEACH
Crown against William and Sarah
Sneddon. Counsel?
Ashraf Singh stands.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
May it please your Lordship, Singh
and Carson for the Crown and my
learned friends, Marshall Hall and
Gill, for the defendants.
JUDGE PEACH
How do they plead?
Gill and Marshall stand.
CHARLIE GILL
Billy Sneddon pleads not guilty.
MARSHALL
Sarah Sneddon pleads not guilty.
JUDGE PEACH (WEARILY)
Let's get on with it then. Mr.
Singh.
Singh stands and addresses the Jury.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Gentlemen of the Jury, there are
two prisoners each charged with a
separate murder. However, since
they acted together in one single
conflict, if you find one guilty of
murder, they must both hang.
This is news to the Jury and the public gallery. Murmering is
heard.
Peach and Singh nod to each other.
JUDGE PEACH
This is known as joint enterprise.
It only applies to murder, not to
manslaughter.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
We say Billy Sneddon murdered
Lieutenant Andrews. Sarah Sneddon
murdered Lieutenant Brown. If
either is guilty of murder, both
are guilty of murder. Clear?
The Jurors nod to Singh, then each other.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC (CONT'D)
With regard to Billy Sneddon, we
say that he started a vicious,
unprovoked knife fight.

So far, so good. The Jury appears engaged.

ASHRAF SINGH, QC (CONT'D)
Lieutenant Andrews was already a
beaten man when the cowardly Billy
Sneddon took out his Bowie knife
and stabbed him in the throat as he
fell to the ground.

Singh fixes each juror in the eye one by one.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC (CONT'D)
That gallant young officer was
struck down with great vengeance
and furious anger at Billy's hand.

Charlie Gill jumps to his feet.

CHARLIE GILL
My Lord, I really must object. What
gallantry is he referring to?
Andrews died in a music hall brawl
that he started himself.

JUDGE PEACH
Show some respect, Mr. Gill. Two of
Her Majesties naval officers were
murdered by the defendants. The
prosecution will be allowed some
leeway.

Marshall leaps to his feet.

MARSHALL
Allegedly murdered or have you
already reached a verdict, My Lord?
Peach realises his bias has been highlighted.

JUDGE PEACH
A slip of the tongue. Allegedly, as
you say.

ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Very wise my Lord. Regarding Sarah
Sneddon, we say the facts are much
clearer. She dressed in such a way
as to mislead the officers into
thinking she was a working
prostitute.

Singh lets that sink in with the jurors.
ASHRAF SINGH
As such, it is possible the navy
men inadvertently insulted her.
This provoked in both Billy and
Sarah Sneddon a powerful need for
retribution through violence.
Marshall leaps to his feet.
MARSHALL
My Lord this is outrageous. Sarah
Sneddon was waiting for her husband
to arrive. I dispute that how a
woman dresses might have any
relevance.
JUDGE PEACH
I will allow the possibility.
MARSHALL
I want my objection on the record.
JUDGE PEACH
Noted, now sit down.
Chastised, Marshall sits. For now.
JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
A gentleman might conclude a woman,
all dolled up, sitting alone in a
music hall is a working harlot.

ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Sarah callously bided her time
until both officers were beaten
before making her deadly attack,
She plunged a knife into Brown's
chest, killing him stone dead.

The Jurors are engrossed by Singh's portrayal of his facts.
Marshall gets to his feet.

MARSHALL
My Lord, where did Mr. Singh get
his medical degree?

JUDGE PEACH
I told you to sit.

MARSHALL
You did, but I will not. We must
all do our duty and mine is to
justice. Mr. Singh has no evidence
that Brown died of that wound. He
should stick to facts he can prove.

Peach is visibly becoming puce with rage.
JUDGE PEACH
I know where my duty lies....
Marshall theatrically points to the packed press box.
MARSHALL
That will doubtless be a great
relief to the legion readers of the
national newspapers my Lord.
Peach is about to explode before noticing the poised pens of
the massed ranks of crime reporters. He thinks better of it.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, defense attorney Marshall passionately defends Billy and Sarah Sneddon against murder charges, challenging prosecutor Ashraf Singh's claims of joint enterprise. As the prosecution outlines the violent actions of the Sneddons, objections from the defense escalate the conflict, revealing Judge Peach's struggle to maintain order amidst rising tensions. The scene captures the emotional stakes and confrontational atmosphere as both sides argue their cases vigorously, culminating in the judge's visible frustration under the scrutiny of the press.
Strengths
  • Intense courtroom drama
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive arguments
  • Occasional melodramatic moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-crafted with a high level of tension, drama, and conflict. The dialogue is engaging and drives the plot forward, while the character dynamics add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of a high-stakes courtroom trial involving complex legal issues and conflicting perspectives is well-developed. The scene effectively explores themes of justice, bias, and morality.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward significantly. The courtroom trial serves as a pivotal moment in the narrative, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on legal proceedings by delving into the complexities of joint enterprise and the moral ambiguity of the defendants' actions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the story. The contrasting personalities of the defense and prosecution create compelling dynamics that drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and attitudes during the scene, particularly in response to the unfolding events of the trial. These shifts in character dynamics add depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uphold justice and defend the innocence of the defendants. This reflects their deeper desire for fairness and truth in the legal system.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to challenge the prosecution's case and protect the defendants from wrongful conviction. This reflects the immediate challenge of presenting a strong defense in court.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with opposing viewpoints clashing in the courtroom setting. The high stakes of the trial and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters heighten the tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and legal arguments creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the trial and the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the courtroom trial, including the potential for death sentences and the moral implications of the case, heighten the tension and drama of the scene. The outcome of the trial will have far-reaching consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story, setting up key conflicts and developments that will impact the narrative moving forward. The courtroom trial serves as a pivotal moment in the plot progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the legal arguments and the characters' reactions to new information. The audience is kept on their toes as the trial unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the prosecution's interpretation of events and the defense's perspective on the defendants' actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and fairness in the legal system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, outrage, and intrigue. The intense confrontations and ethical debates resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, confrontational, and impactful. It effectively conveys the tension and drama of the courtroom trial, revealing the conflicting perspectives of the characters involved.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting perspectives, and intense confrontations between the characters. The audience is drawn into the legal drama and invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense as the legal arguments unfold and the characters clash over their interpretations of the events. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the dramatic impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a courtroom setting, with clear descriptions of the physical layout and character actions. The dialogue is formatted appropriately to convey the legal proceedings.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with the introduction of characters, legal arguments, and dramatic confrontations. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the courtroom dynamics and the tension between the prosecution and defense. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, while Marshall's objections are passionate, they could also reveal more about his personal investment in the case, which would deepen the audience's connection to him.
  • The introduction of Captain Blight adds a visual flourish, but his role is not clearly defined in this scene. It would be helpful to establish why his presence is significant to the jury or the case, as it currently feels like a distraction rather than an enhancement.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the dialogue feels overly expository, particularly Ashraf Singh's monologues. While it's important to convey the prosecution's argument, it could be more engaging if it were interspersed with reactions from the jury or the defendants, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the accusations.
  • Judge Peach's character comes across as biased, which is effective for the conflict, but his reactions could be more varied. Instead of just becoming 'puce with rage,' consider showing a moment of hesitation or doubt that could humanize him, making the audience question his impartiality more deeply.
  • Marshall's theatricality is a strong character trait, but it risks overshadowing the gravity of the situation. Balancing his flamboyance with moments of genuine concern for the defendants could create a more nuanced portrayal, making his character more relatable.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more internal conflict for Marshall during his objections. Perhaps he struggles with the morality of the case or feels a personal connection to the Sneddons, which could add depth to his character.
  • Clarify Captain Blight's significance in the courtroom. Consider adding a line or two that hints at his relationship to the case or the Sneddons, which would make his presence more impactful.
  • Reduce the exposition in Ashraf Singh's dialogue by breaking it up with reactions from the jury or the defendants. This will create a more dynamic exchange and keep the audience engaged.
  • Add moments of doubt or hesitation for Judge Peach to create a more complex character. This could involve him questioning his own biases or showing concern for the implications of the trial.
  • Balance Marshall's theatricality with moments of vulnerability or sincerity. This will help the audience connect with him on a deeper level and understand the stakes of the trial beyond the courtroom drama.



Scene 29 -  Tensions in the Courtroom
67 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURT ROOM - PRESS BENCHES. DAY 67
Xing Fu sketches Peach in pastel shades of plums. She shows
it to Lilly. It is an accurate likeness.
LILLY FORTUNE
It’s almost photography.
Xing smiles.
XING FU
He may still explode.

68 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURT ROOM. DAY 68
JUDGE PEACH
Try to stick to the facts agreed in
evidence, please, Mr. Singh.
Singh nods but he is perturbed. One-nil to Marshall.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
I call my first witness my Lord.
USHER
Call Sergeant Goodman.

69 INT. OLD BAILEY COURTROOM - LATER - DAY 69
Sergeant Goodman is being cross-examined by Singh.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Sergeant, please tell the Jury how
you came to arrest the prisoners.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
( referring to his notebook )
Saturday the 12th we was called to
a brawl at Wiltons music hall. On
arrival, I found three men on the
floor.
(MORE)
SERGEANT GOODMAN (CONT'D)
Two of them were uniformed Navy
officers. Brown and Andrews. They
were both deceased.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Did you determine how they died?
Goodman takes a notebook from his pocket.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
There was a military knife still in
the neck of Andrews. It went
through the chin into his throat.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
And Lieutenant Brown?
Goodman looks again at his book.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Bowie knife in his chest.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Did anyone identify the killers?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Witnesses said it was Billy Sneddon
as killed Andrews. He was the third
man on the floor. I arrested him. I
was told it were the wife did for
Brown. I arrested her for the
murder.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Did either of the prisoners provide
an account of their actions?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
As Billy Sneddon was being taken to
hospital, he spoke to me briefly.
Gill and Marshall look at each other. Marshall grabs his
brief containing Sergeant Goodman's statement.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Do you recall what he said?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Yes, he said, "I did the murders.It
was me"
Gill jumps to his feet.
CHARLIE GILL
Every great lie has a bit of truth.
Who else heard this confession?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Just myself, sir. Sneddon passed
out afterwards.
CHARLIE GILL
There is nothing in your statement
about any conversation with either
defendant, let alone a confession.
Peach is now impatient at the interruptions.
JUDGE PEACH
Sergeant, did you forget to include
this evidence in your statement
because of the pressure of work?
Goodman takes the hint.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Yes, my Lord. Saturday nights gets
hectic. I forgot to add it.
Singh looks down at Marshall who is making notes.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Did Sarah Sneddon give any
explanation of events?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
She was defiant. She sat there in
dumb insolence, sir.
ASHRAF SINGH, QC
Did there come a time when she did
give an account or an admission?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
She cried when I told her that
Billy had confessed. I said that a
God-fearing woman would do the
same. It was then she said...
Goodman refers again to his notebook. Reads.
SERGEANT GOODMAN (CONT'D)
"I see now that we went too far. We
certainly killed them. I'm truly
sorry."

Singh sits. Marshall stands, and he is annoyed.

MARSHALL
How fortunate Mrs Sneddon sought to
unburden herself to you and to you
alone Sergeant Goodman.

Two JURORS smile at the irony and are clearly sceptical.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
I put it to you that you are lying.
Lying to help the prosecution. No
such confession ever took place.
Did it?

Before Goodman can answer, Peach intervenes.

JUDGE PEACH
It is outrageous to suggest that
any police officer would commit
perjury, especially a Sergeant.
Withdraw that last remark.

MARSHALL
My Lord, I loathe injustice and a
little judicial scepticism might
prevent yet more of it.

Judge Peach looks up at the CAPTAIN BLIGHT who is seething.

JUDGE PEACH
(looks to the Jury)
In my view, Police officers are
above reproach. Their evidence can
be relied upon without question in
a court of law.

The courtroom is silent. Marshall and Gill look stunned.

MARSHALL
My Lord, in so saying you have as
much as written a blank cheque for
the prosecution . The Jury should
take note.

JUDGE PEACH
I do not like your tone, Mr.
Marshall Hall. We will adjourn for
today.
USHER
All rise.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the Old Bailey courtroom, artist Xing Fu impresses Lilly Fortune with her sketch of Judge Peach. Prosecutor Ashraf Singh calls Sergeant Goodman to testify about the confessions of accused murderers Billy Sneddon and Sarah. During cross-examination, defense attorney Marshall challenges Goodman's credibility, accusing him of lying, which prompts Judge Peach to defend the integrity of police officers. The confrontation escalates, highlighting the conflict between prosecution and defense, before Judge Peach adjourns the court, leaving tensions unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Conflicting testimonies
  • Tense courtroom setting
  • Character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slight lack of subtlety in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-crafted with intense dialogue, conflicting testimonies, and a dramatic courtroom setting. It effectively sets up the conflict and tension while advancing the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of a courtroom trial with conflicting testimonies, a skeptical defense attorney, and a defiant defendant is effectively executed, setting up the theme of justice and truth while engaging the audience in the legal drama.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene revolves around the beginning of a high-stakes trial, introducing conflicting testimonies and challenging the prosecution's narrative. It advances the overall story arc significantly and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the courtroom drama genre, with unexpected twists and ethical dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Marshall, Gill, and Sergeant Goodman, are well-developed and showcase distinct personalities. Their interactions and conflicts drive the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, particularly Marshall and Gill, undergo subtle changes in their beliefs, approaches, and attitudes as they navigate the challenges of the trial. These changes set up future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the murders and defend their clients. This reflects their desire for justice and their fear of being unable to prove innocence.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to present a strong case and challenge the prosecution's evidence. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving their clients' innocence in a high-stakes trial.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with conflicting testimonies, challenges to the prosecution, and skepticism towards the legal system. The confrontational dialogue and character dynamics heighten the tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting accounts and moral dilemmas challenging the protagonist's case. The uncertainty of the witness testimonies adds complexity to the trial.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the outcome of the trial potentially impacting the characters' lives and futures. The conflicts, challenges, and tensions raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, advancing the trial narrative, and setting up future plot developments. It engages the audience and maintains momentum in the overall story arc.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the witness testimonies and the characters' conflicting accounts. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the truth behind the murders.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of truth and justice. The defense lawyer challenges the credibility of the police officer's testimony, highlighting the theme of integrity and honesty in the legal system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.3

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of defiance, skepticism, and tension evoking emotions from the audience. The stakes are high, and the characters' struggles resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene is intense, confrontational, and filled with conflicting testimonies and challenges. It effectively conveys the skepticism, defiance, and tension present in the courtroom setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, moral ambiguity, and strategic maneuvering. The audience is drawn into the legal battle and invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and strategic revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard format for a courtroom scene, with proper scene headings and dialogue attribution. It enhances the clarity and readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear transitions between witness testimonies and legal arguments. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of a courtroom drama, particularly through the exchanges between Marshall and Sergeant Goodman. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while the characters express their positions clearly, adding layers of meaning could enhance the stakes and emotional weight.
  • Judge Peach's character is established as biased, which is a strong choice for conflict. However, his reactions could be more nuanced. Instead of simply being impatient, showing moments of internal conflict or doubt could make him a more complex character, adding depth to the courtroom dynamics.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit expository, particularly when Sergeant Goodman recounts the events of the arrest. This could be streamlined to maintain the audience's engagement and avoid slowing down the momentum.
  • The use of humor, particularly through the jurors' reactions, is a nice touch that lightens the tension. However, it could be more consistent throughout the scene. Balancing the serious nature of the trial with moments of levity can help maintain audience interest without undermining the gravity of the situation.
  • Marshall's passionate defense is compelling, but his motivations could be clearer. Exploring his personal stakes in the case—beyond just a professional obligation—could create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to imply their true feelings or motivations rather than stating them outright. This can create a richer experience for the audience.
  • Develop Judge Peach's character further by incorporating moments of hesitation or doubt in his rulings, which could add complexity to his role and make the courtroom dynamics more engaging.
  • Streamline Sergeant Goodman's testimony to focus on the most critical points, avoiding excessive detail that may detract from the scene's pacing.
  • Introduce more consistent humor throughout the scene to balance the tension, perhaps through additional reactions from the jurors or courtroom observers that reflect the absurdity of the situation.
  • Clarify Marshall's personal stakes in the case, perhaps through a brief flashback or internal monologue that reveals his connection to the Sneddons, enhancing the emotional stakes of his defense.



Scene 30 -  Murder and Perjury: A Night at Blackfriars
70 EXT. BLACKFRIARS BRIDGE - NIGHT 70

Through the mist, we hear the whistle of a train crossing the
adjacent Blackfriars railway bridge.

A PRETTY BLONDE greets the curb crawling carriage. Her name
is EMILY HOWE. She is fifteen.


71 INT./EXT. CARRIAGE - NIGHT 71

From AN UNSEEN FIGURE POV, a lamp illuminates the fresh-
looking face of the young prostitute.
The unseen figure steps down and the girl takes her well-
tailored client into the shadows to conduct their business.
Suddenly her head is pulled back, then her throat is slit
outwards from behind. There are no screams.
Her prostrate body is dropped onto the ground.
The attacker kneels beside the body and makes a deliberate
incision down the abdomen. He dissects the kidney. It takes
no time at all. The killer throws her into the River below
and calmly boards the coach which drives away.

We DEFINITELY NEED MARSHALL LILLY HERE

72 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - MORNING 72
GOODMAN is back in the box
JUDGE PEACH
Mr Marshall Hall, you may question
Sergeant Goodman. You will be
cogniscent of my feelings
concerning the probity of police
evidence, or I shall hold you in
contempt.
Marshall can see the detrimental effect of this intervention
on the faces of the Jury.
JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
(to Goodman)
I would remind you that you are
still under oath.

Marshall stands. He takes out the Bowie knife from the
exhibits box and holds it up.

MARSHALL
Is this is the knife you found in
the chest of Lieutenant Brown?

Sergeant Goodman is thrown off guard.

SERGEANT GOODMAN
Yes, that is correct.

MARSHALL
How can you be sure?

SERGEANT GOODMAN
The name “Riley” is carved on the
handle.

MARSHALL
And did you look this “Riley?”
He looks again at his book.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
A witness said Riley was a sailor
but with fifty ships moored on the
Embankment at any one time.....
Marshall reads from his brief.
MARSHALL
The witness said Riley was a Royal
Navy sailor did he not?
Goodman theatrically turns the pages in his notebook looking
for an imaginary entry.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
That’s possible,Sir.
MARSHALL
There were two Royal navy ships
moored and you boarded neither in
your search for Riley?
SERGEANT GOODMAN
We didn’t think it was important.
What are you getting at?
MARSHALL
The defence says the Sneddons were
unarmed and this man Riley supplied
Brown with the knife.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
As I say, we didn't follow it up.
MARSHALL
We also propose that in a botched
attempt to kill Billy Sneddon,
Brown ended up being killed with
his own weapon.
Marshall turns to speak to Newton. Newton nods and leaves.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Given more time, we might have
investigated it more.
MARSHALL
(irony)
Yes, that shoddy aspect of your
investigation is consistent with
the rest.
Knowing he has unsettled Goodman, Marshall starts for real.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
To be crystal clear, do swear that
Sarah Sneddon said every word you
read out from your pocketbook?

SERGEANT GOODMAN
I wrote down every word she said.

Marshall looks at each member of the Jury one by one as he
picks up a document from the table.

MARSHALL
How many languages do you speak?

Goodman smiles as if to say, what an idiotic question.
SERGEANT GOODMAN
Only the Queen's English, sir.

Marshall again eyes the Jury for signs of engagement.

MARSHALL
Ah, so you don’t speak Isizulu?

The face of Goodman betrays confusion.

SERGEANT GOODMAN
No sir, what is that?

MARSHALL
It’s the Bantu language of the
Zulus. It’s how Sarah communicates.

Goodman looks petrified as the Jury looks him over.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
You wrote everything down but you
don't speak Zulu.

SERGEANT GOODMAN
No. Well. We tried everything to
get her to speak, but she refused.

MARSHALL
A confession by Sarah or Billy
amounts to joint enterprise murder.
You do know they will both hang?

The penny seems to be dropping for some of the Jurors.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
The Judge accepted your story that
Billy confessed and you got greedy?

SERGEANT GOODMAN
She nodded when I put it to her. In
swear.
MARSHALL
You thought you could hang two for
the price of one.
Goodman is shaking at being caught committing perjury.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Billy was unresponsive when you
went over to him, wasn't he?

He looks at Judge Peach who is ready to explode.

SERGEANT GOODMAN
Yes sir. Billy was unconscious.

MARSHALL
And Sarah did not confess.

Goodman, reduced to shaking his head.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Out of misplaced loyalty to the
prosecution, you have perjured
yourself. You are a dishonest man,
Sergeant Goodman, are you not?

To the Jury directly

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
A dishonest man who holds the lives
of two innocent people in his
hands.

Lilly watches as Judge Peach quickly intervenes.

JUDGE PEACH
Bailiff, I want Goodman arrested
and locked up in the cells.

The BAILIFFS arrest Sergeant Goodman, who is taken away.
MARSHALL
You will instruct the Jury to
disregard Goodman’s lies my Lord?

JUDGE PEACH
Yes.Yes. And we will recess for
today.

USHER
All rise.
Genres: ["Crime","Legal Drama","Mystery"]

Summary The scene begins with the brutal murder of young prostitute Emily Howe on Blackfriars Bridge, where she is attacked by an unseen figure. The narrative then shifts to a courtroom at the Old Bailey, where defense attorney Marshall Hall interrogates Sergeant Goodman about inconsistencies in his investigation. As Hall exposes Goodman's lies regarding a knife and a witness, the tension escalates, leading to Goodman's arrest for perjury by Judge Peach. The scene captures the horror of the murder and the high-stakes courtroom drama that follows.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with legal terminology
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging and impactful, with intense conflict, dramatic revelations, and strong character dynamics. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, driving the tension and revealing crucial information that significantly impacts the case.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revealing perjury in a courtroom setting adds depth to the legal drama genre. The scene effectively explores themes of truth, justice, and integrity, enhancing the overall narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is advanced significantly through the revelation of Goodman's perjury, adding complexity and intrigue to the case. The scene drives the story forward by exposing crucial information and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to a courtroom drama with unexpected twists and turns. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters, especially Marshall and Goodman, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions reveal their motivations, strengths, and flaws, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the conflict.

Character Changes: 9

Marshall undergoes a significant change in the scene, from challenging Goodman's testimony to exposing his perjury. This moment showcases Marshall's determination, integrity, and commitment to justice.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to expose the truth and reveal the dishonesty of Sergeant Goodman. This reflects the protagonist's desire for justice and integrity.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to prove the innocence of Sarah and Billy Sneddon. This reflects the immediate challenge of defending them in court.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving legal, moral, and personal stakes. The confrontation between Marshall and Goodman creates a high level of tension and drama, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in exposing the truth and confronting Sergeant Goodman.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the revelation of Goodman's perjury could determine the fate of the accused and impact the outcome of the trial. The characters face personal, legal, and moral consequences, intensifying the drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information, raising the stakes, and deepening the conflict. It sets the stage for further developments in the case and the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the courtroom trial and the revelation of Sergeant Goodman's deception.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between truth and deception, justice and corruption. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in honesty and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the audience, as the characters face intense scrutiny, betrayal, and the revelation of lies. The tension and drama evoke strong emotions, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 9.4

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and revealing, driving the conflict and tension in the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the high stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, dramatic revelations, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the dialogue and interactions between characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with a clear progression of events and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from a violent and shocking murder to a courtroom setting, creating a stark contrast that heightens the tension. However, the abrupt shift may leave the audience disoriented. A smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from a character could help ground the viewer before diving into the courtroom drama.
  • The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, particularly Marshall's cross-examination of Sergeant Goodman. This creates a compelling dynamic, but some lines could benefit from more subtext. For instance, instead of directly accusing Goodman of dishonesty, Marshall could use more nuanced language that implies deceit, allowing the audience to infer the gravity of the situation.
  • The character of Sergeant Goodman comes off as somewhat one-dimensional, primarily serving as a foil for Marshall. Adding layers to Goodman, such as hints of his motivations or internal conflict about his actions, could make the confrontation more engaging and complex.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the climax where Goodman is arrested feels rushed. Expanding on the jury's reactions or including a moment of silence after the revelation could amplify the impact of Marshall's accusations and the ensuing chaos.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the imagery of the knife and the courtroom setting. However, incorporating more sensory details—like the sounds of the courtroom or the expressions of the jury—could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience further into the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the violent murder to the courtroom, such as a character's reaction or a symbolic object that ties the two scenes together.
  • Revise some of Marshall's dialogue to include more subtext, allowing the audience to read between the lines and grasp the underlying tension without overtly stating it.
  • Develop Sergeant Goodman’s character further by hinting at his motivations or fears, which could create a more dynamic confrontation with Marshall.
  • Slow down the pacing during the climax of the scene to allow for a more dramatic buildup and to give the audience time to absorb the implications of Marshall's accusations.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the sounds of the courtroom, the atmosphere, and the reactions of the jury, to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 31 -  Camaraderie and Confrontation
73 EXT. OLD BAILEY - DAY 73

Marshall, Lilly, Xing and Gill emerge from the court.
CHARLIE GILL
That was inspired, Marshall.
MARSHALL
Lilly’s article mentioned Sarah
said nothing to the police and is
of Zulu descent. I took a flyer,
even though I know her English is
perfect!


Marshall notices Lilly blush and smile.
XING FU
I could use a drink.
Lilly is holding her courtroom notes.
LILLY FORTUNE
Let me have the sketches and I’ll
finish the article. Take Marshall.
Xing hands her sketch pad to Lilly who walks away.
XING FU
I’ll see you in the morning.

74 INT. RED LION, BLACKFRIARS. NIGHT 74
Marshall and Xing are chatting over a bottle of Scotch.
STOCKY MAN
Lovely slant eyed whore.
The STOCKY MAN has FIVES accomplices. One draws a knife.
MARSHALL
Go outside and we can discuss this.
Marshall jumps up as the knifeman steps up to him.
Xing suddenly produces a derringer pistol and puts it into
the eye socket of the stocky man.
XING FORTUNE
Walk away and I won’t kill you.
Marshall grabs the knife from the stunned robber.
MARSHALL
The Lady said step back.
Xing fires a shot in the air. The men run away squealing.
75 EXT. BACK STREET - LONDON - NIGHT 75
Marshall and Xing sprint down the cobbled road laughing.

76 EXT. WOOLWICH ARSENAL QUAYSIDE. NIGHT 76
In the light of a full moon, MASKED MEN carefully climb off a
long boat that is being tied up to the pier.
SUPER: Woolwich Arsenal, 28th August 1885
The men assemble on the gaslit dock to receive instructions.
Michael COLLINS (30s), Irish, uncompromising - checks the
chamber of his Webley revolver and clicks it back into place.
His comrades DUBLIN JACK SAUL (17), ROY WISTON (25), JOHN
FLEMING (50s) BILLY BEETHAM (22), and MALACHY OLDMAN (18) are
checking their pistols and wait patiently for their orders.
MICHAEL COLLINS
(Irish accent)
They have arms for protection so we
need to be in and out quickly.
The Men move off towards the Factory up ahead.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Marshall, Lilly, Xing, and Gill leave the Old Bailey courthouse, where Marshall praises Lilly's article, causing her to blush. They decide to go for drinks at the Red Lion pub, but tensions rise when a stocky man and his accomplices confront them. Xing brandishes a derringer pistol, intimidating the attackers into fleeing. The scene shifts to masked men at Woolwich Arsenal, where Michael Collins prepares his group for a mission, highlighting the urgency of their task.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Action-packed sequence
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-designed with a strong concept of a heist unfolding under the cover of night. The execution effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged. The concept of a daring robbery at a historical location adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a nighttime heist at the Woolwich Arsenal is unique and engaging, adding an element of mystery and danger to the story. The introduction of masked men and their preparations for the robbery create intrigue and set the stage for future developments in the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the planned heist at the Woolwich Arsenal, setting up a high-stakes situation for the characters involved. The introduction of the masked men and their preparations adds depth to the storyline and foreshadows potential conflicts and challenges.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on historical crime drama with diverse characters and unexpected twists.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on the action and setting than individual character development, the presence of the masked men and their interactions hint at their roles in the larger narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the actions and interactions of the masked men hint at potential developments in their arcs. The heist sets the stage for future character growth and challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to protect Lilly and uphold justice, as seen in his actions to diffuse the situation in the pub.

External Goal: 9

Marshall's external goal is to maintain order and safety in the face of criminal activity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the masked men prepare to carry out the heist. The tension between the characters and the high-stakes nature of the robbery create a sense of danger and excitement for the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of violence and the characters' conflicting approaches to the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the masked men prepare to carry out a daring heist at a historical location. The risks involved, the potential consequences of failure, and the danger of discovery add intensity to the storyline and engage the audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point - the planned heist at the Woolwich Arsenal. The actions of the masked men and the setting create intrigue and set the stage for future conflicts and developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the derringer pistol and the unexpected resolution of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between justice and lawlessness, as Marshall and Xing use different methods to handle the situation in the pub.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of danger and suspense, keeping the audience on edge as the masked men prepare for the heist. The high-stakes nature of the robbery and the risks involved add emotional depth to the storyline, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and danger of the heist. The interactions between the characters, especially the masked men, reveal their intentions and motivations, setting the stage for future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action and character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene enhances its intensity and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, adhering to genre conventions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a crime drama, building tension and resolving conflicts effectively.


Critique
  • The transition from the courtroom to the pub is abrupt and lacks a clear emotional or narrative connection. While the courtroom scene is tense and filled with legal drama, the shift to a more casual setting in the pub feels jarring. It would benefit from a smoother transition that reflects the characters' emotional states after the courtroom events.
  • The dialogue in the pub scene is functional but lacks depth. While it serves to move the plot forward, it doesn't fully explore the characters' emotions or relationships. For instance, Marshall's comment about Lilly's article could be expanded to show his admiration for her work, which would deepen their connection.
  • Xing's sudden display of aggression with the derringer feels somewhat out of character given the previous light-hearted banter. This shift could be better foreshadowed or justified to maintain consistency in her character's portrayal. Additionally, the scene could explore the implications of this violent encounter on their relationship and the overall narrative.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the tension and atmosphere. Describing the pub's ambiance, the reactions of other patrons, or the physicality of the confrontation would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The introduction of the masked men at Woolwich Arsenal feels disconnected from the previous events. While it sets up a new plot thread, it would be more effective if there were a thematic or narrative link to the earlier scenes, perhaps hinting at the broader implications of the courtroom drama.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Marshall and Xing after leaving the courtroom, allowing them to process the day's events before heading to the pub. This could create a more cohesive emotional arc.
  • Enhance the dialogue in the pub scene to reveal more about the characters' motivations and feelings. For example, Marshall could express his concerns about the case or his admiration for Lilly in a more nuanced way.
  • Foreshadow Xing's readiness to use the derringer by incorporating subtle hints earlier in the scene, such as her observing the stocky man with suspicion or showing signs of being on edge.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to describe the pub environment, such as the sounds of laughter, the smell of whiskey, or the dim lighting, to create a richer atmosphere.
  • Link the masked men's actions at Woolwich Arsenal to the courtroom events by suggesting that the stakes of the trial have broader implications, perhaps hinting at a connection between the two plotlines.



Scene 32 -  Night of Betrayal at Woolwich Arsenal
77 INT. WOOLWICH ARSENAL, ARMAMENT FACTORY. NIGHT 77
CIVILIAN WORKERS fashion brass into artillery shell casings
which are carefully placed onto horse-drawn wagons.
The SUPERVISOR inspects one of the casings and seems happy.
SUPERVISOR
Good work now let’s get this load
over to the gunpowder shed.
The cart passes by a rack containing pistols and rifles.

78 INT. WOOLWICH ARSENAL, GUNPOWDER SHED. NIGHT 78
HENRY MATTHEWS (30s) supervises FACTORY WORKERS loading large
boxes marked DYNAMITE carefully onto the carts.
FEMALE CHARGEHAND
Put your backs in lads, this load
has to be away on the morning tide.
The Workers begin to load the TWELVE KEGS of Gunpowder.
79 EXT. BLACKFRIARS BRIDGE, RIVER THAMES - NIGHT 79
Marshall and Xing collapse onto a bench in fits of laughter
on the gas lit banks of the Thames.
Marshall takes the whiskey bottle and two glasses from his
great coat pocket and hands one to Xing.
MARSHALL
Where did you get the pistol?
Marshall looks at Xing’s face and is enthralled.
XING
My father is the British Ambassador
to Hong Kong. Rough place.
A ship passes as they each contemplate making the next move.

80 EXT. WOOLWICH ARSENAL QUAYSIDE, THE GUNPOWDER WAGON. NIGHT 80
JIM BURNS (20s) and SAMUAL MILLS (40s) are aboard the wagon
from the Gunpowder shed.
JIM BURNS
I can relax once this lot has gone.
The wagon moves slowly across the yard to the waterfront.
SAMUAL MILLS
Take it easy, we have all night.
We hear orders being barked off-shore on an inbound vessel.

81 EXT. WOOLWICH ARSENAL DOCKS. NIGHT 81
As the Gunpowder Wagon moves behind the Customs Shed Collins
and his men come out of the darkness and strike.
Collins fires a shot in the air to get everyone's attention.
MICHAEL COLLINS
If any of you cause me trouble you
will be shot dead.
Burns and Mills look at Collins and slowly raise their hands.
SAMUAL MILLS
No trouble. We know what you want.
Wiston and Fleming jump up onto the side of the wagon and
aggressively throw Burns and Mills down to the ground.
Mills cries out as his head hits a cobblestone with a
visceral crack which causes it to split open.
Wiston and Oldman replace them in the driving seats.
The commotion brings a dozen FACTORY WORKERS to the yard.
Dazed, Mills gets back up but Oldman thinks he is escaping.
OLDMAN
(Dublin accent)
Stay where you are...
Oldman knocks Mills back down and kicks him in the face.
Burns sits upright and cuts open the back of Oldman’s calf.
JIM BURNS
You dirty Irish bastard.
This is not going to plan.
Oldman screams in pain. Collins appears and without a second
hesitation shoots Burns in the head and then in the chest.
The Factory Workers panic and noisily disperse.
MICHAEL COLLINS
Get this cargo into the boat and
let’s get it out of here.
Mills groans as he comes round. Collins points the gun.
SAMUAL MILLS
Please mister....
MICHAEL COLLINS
I can’t leave a living witness.
A final headshot from Collins ends Mills’ life.
Henry Matthews sees the execution and is armed with a rifle.
HENRY MATTHEWS
You murdering bastard.
Everyone on the Dockside scatters.
Matthews takes aim and fires hitting a barrel of gunpowder.
The resulting EXPLOSION wipes the screen.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night scene at Woolwich Arsenal, civilian workers are ambushed by Michael Collins and his men while loading gunpowder onto carts. Jim Burns expresses relief at the end of his shift, but his joy is short-lived as Collins executes him and Samuel Mills to eliminate witnesses. Witnessing the brutal act, Henry Matthews retaliates by shooting at a gunpowder barrel, triggering a massive explosion that engulfs the scene in chaos.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Violent content
  • Potentially disturbing scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted with a high level of tension, suspense, and emotional impact. The execution of the design is intense and gripping, with a strong concept that drives the plot forward. The characters are faced with life-threatening situations, leading to significant changes and pushing the story towards a climactic moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9.3

The concept of the scene, focusing on a violent ambush at the Arsenal involving gunpowder theft and murder, is compelling and drives the plot forward. It introduces high stakes, conflict, and betrayal, setting the stage for a climactic moment in the story.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the narrative, introducing key elements such as the gunpowder theft, murder, and explosive action. It heightens the tension and sets the characters on a dangerous path, leading to significant developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the wartime setting by focusing on the personal struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters amidst the backdrop of violence and danger. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene face life-threatening situations, undergo significant changes, and display a range of emotions under pressure. Their interactions and decisions drive the plot forward and contribute to the intense atmosphere of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, facing life-threatening situations, making difficult decisions, and experiencing intense emotions. These changes drive the character arcs forward and contribute to the overall development of the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is likely survival and self-preservation in the face of danger and violence. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to protect the gunpowder cargo and navigate the dangerous situation with the attackers. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing armed assailants and ensuring the cargo's safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, from the gunpowder theft and murder to the intense confrontation between characters. Betrayal, violence, and desperation drive the conflict to a boiling point, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing armed attackers and moral dilemmas that challenge their survival instincts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, betrayal, and violence. The gunpowder theft, murder, and explosive action raise the stakes to a critical level, driving the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot elements, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for a climactic moment. It advances the narrative with high stakes, intense action, and significant character developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden escalation of violence and the unexpected actions of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between morality and survival. The protagonist must decide whether to prioritize their own survival or uphold moral values in the face of violence and danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene delivers a strong emotional impact through its intense and dramatic events, evoking fear, tension, and suspense. The characters' reactions and the high-stakes nature of the ambush heighten the emotional intensity, drawing the audience into the unfolding drama.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is intense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes nature of the ambush and the characters' desperate circumstances. It effectively conveys emotions, motivations, and conflicts, adding depth to the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively through the progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of the mundane tasks of the workers at Woolwich Arsenal and the impending violence introduced by Michael Collins and his men. However, the transition from the light-hearted moment between Marshall and Xing to the violent ambush feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. For instance, Jim Burns and Samuel Mills' conversation about relaxing once the load is gone feels clichéd and doesn't add much to their characterization. More unique dialogue could help establish their personalities and stakes in the situation.
  • The action sequences are visceral and impactful, particularly the moment Collins shoots Burns and Mills. However, the pacing could be improved by varying sentence lengths and incorporating more sensory details to immerse the reader in the chaos of the scene.
  • The motivations of Michael Collins and his men could be clearer. While their actions are violent, providing a brief insight into their motivations or objectives could add layers to their characters and make the stakes feel more significant.
  • The scene ends with a dramatic explosion, which is visually striking, but it may benefit from a moment of reflection or reaction from the characters involved. This could heighten the emotional impact and provide a clearer sense of consequence for the violence.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of foreshadowing before the ambush, such as a subtle hint of danger or tension in the air, to prepare the audience for the shift from comedy to violence.
  • Revise the dialogue between Burns and Mills to make it more distinctive and reflective of their personalities. This could involve using regional dialects or unique phrases that reveal their backgrounds.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during the action sequences, such as sounds, smells, and visual cues, to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Provide a clearer motivation for Collins and his men, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a brief internal thought, to give the audience a better understanding of their actions.
  • After the explosion, include a moment where the surviving characters react to the chaos, which could serve to heighten the emotional stakes and provide a sense of the aftermath of the violence.



Scene 33 -  A Night of Romance and Revelation
82 EXT. PATH - RIVER THAMES - NIGHT 82
Marshall and Xing stand facing each at the parapet.
MARSHALL
I would like to take you home.
XING
I live in Chelsea.
Marshall pulls Xing towards him and as they kiss a fireball
lights up the night sky and the reflection makes the Thames
look like a golden thread.

CUT TO:

83 INT. BLACKFRIARS BOXING GYM – DAWN 83
Gaslight flickers in a shadowy room.
MAN ALONE SCENE - MARSHALL pummels a heavy bag with ferocity,
the chain groaning under the strain.
He stops, pulls off his gloves, and grabs a skipping rope.
With dancer-like precision, he skips, the rope cutting
sharply through the air in perfect sync with his footwork.

84 EXT. RIVER THAMES - WATERMAN'S SKIFF - PRE-DAWN 84
Two watermen, PHILIP and LIONEL STRUTT are navigating along
the south bank of the Thames, looking for eels with a lamp.
Lionel stands at the front of the boat peering down.
LIONEL
I have not seen one bleeding eel
yet. Get nearer the bank.
PHILIP
If we get in too close, we will run
aground.
LIONEL STRUTT
Do you want to eat?
As the skiff edges closer to the bank, it gets snagged.
PHILIP STRUTT
I bloody told you.
Lionel uses a boatman's hook to remove debris from the
underside of the skiff.
From under the water the pallid face of a DEAD BLONDE GIRL
surfaces.
The ghostly VERONIQUE DUBOIS stares at Lionel Strutt with
open eyes.
Lionel jumps back almost capsizing the boat.
LIONEL
Get onshore and bring the Bobbies.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marshall and Xing share a romantic moment by the River Thames, culminating in a kiss just as a fireball lights up the night sky. The scene shifts to a boxing gym at dawn, showcasing Marshall's intense training. Meanwhile, watermen Philip and Lionel Strutt, searching for eels, accidentally discover the body of a dead blonde girl, Veronique Dubois, shocking Lionel and prompting him to call for help.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and mystery
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential lack of resolution for the mystery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a tense and mysterious tone with the discovery of the dead body, creating a sense of fear and shock. The dramatic elements are well-executed, drawing the audience into the unfolding mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of discovering a dead body in the Thames adds a new layer of intrigue to the storyline, enhancing the overall mystery and suspense of the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced by the discovery of the dead body, introducing a new mystery element that propels the story forward and adds complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique setting and atmosphere with the golden reflection of the Thames and the unexpected discovery of the dead blonde girl, adding a fresh twist to the romantic encounter.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the focus is more on the discovery of the dead body than on character development in this scene, the reactions of the characters to the shocking event add depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the discovery of the dead body may have a lasting impact on the characters as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to express his desire to take Xing home, reflecting his deeper need for connection and intimacy.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to navigate the challenges of the night along the River Thames and potentially encounter unexpected events.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the discovery of the dead body and the ensuing investigation, adding tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with external obstacles and unexpected events challenging the characters' goals and desires.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the discovery of the dead body, indicating that the investigation into the girl's death will have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery element that will likely have significant implications for the plot and characters in future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the dead blonde girl, adding a twist to the romantic encounter.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the clash between desire and reality, as Marshall expresses his wish to take Xing home but faces external obstacles and unexpected events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a strong emotional impact through the shock and fear surrounding the discovery of the dead body, engaging the audience on a visceral level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the shock and tension of the moment, enhancing the overall atmosphere and setting the tone for the unfolding mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the romantic tension between Marshall and Xing, as well as the unexpected discovery of the dead blonde girl, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and romance, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character actions, contributing to the overall narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the romantic moment between Marshall and Xing to the boxing gym is abrupt. While the fireball serves as a dramatic visual cue, it may benefit from a more gradual shift in tone or thematic connection to enhance the narrative flow.
  • The dialogue in the first part of the scene is brief and lacks depth. While the kiss is a significant moment, expanding on their conversation could provide more emotional weight and context to their relationship, making the moment feel more impactful.
  • The description of the boxing gym scene is visually engaging, but it could be enhanced by incorporating Marshall's internal thoughts or feelings about his training. This would provide insight into his character and motivations, making the scene more relatable.
  • The introduction of the watermen searching for eels feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding scenes. While it adds a layer of realism to the setting, it may benefit from a clearer thematic link to the main narrative or characters, ensuring that it feels integral rather than an abrupt shift.
  • The reveal of Veronique Dubois's body is shocking and serves as a strong visual element, but it could be more effective if foreshadowed earlier in the script. This would create a stronger emotional impact and connect the audience more deeply to the characters' fates.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue between Marshall and Xing to deepen their connection and provide context for their relationship. This could include reflections on their past or hopes for the future.
  • To improve the transition between the romantic moment and the boxing gym, consider using a voiceover or internal monologue from Marshall that reflects on the kiss and its significance, linking it to his training and personal struggles.
  • In the boxing gym scene, include sensory details that evoke the atmosphere—sounds of the gym, the smell of sweat, and the physical exertion Marshall experiences. This will help immerse the audience in the moment.
  • To create a smoother narrative flow, consider integrating the watermen's scene with the main storyline by having them discuss recent events or rumors related to the murders, thereby connecting their actions to the larger plot.
  • Foreshadow Veronique's fate earlier in the script by hinting at her character or her connection to the main plot. This could be done through dialogue or visual cues that build suspense and anticipation for her eventual reveal.



Scene 34 -  Dawn of Tension
85 EXT. DAILY SKETCH, PRINTING PRESS FACILITY. DAWN 85
Wet cobbles reflect faint light as a carriage halts.
O/S – The printing presses whine in the distance.
Xing Fu steps out carrying an EASTMAN CAMERA. The DRIVER
hands her a gunpowder flashlamp.
Lilly Fortune strides purposefully into the print works.

86 INT. DAILY SKETCH, PRINTING PRESS. DAWN 86
The Hoe’s six-cylinder rotary presses are devouring paper and
ink, spitting out freshly printed newsprint.
Lilly and Xing approach LARRY BUNDOCK (40), head printer, who
lifts up a freshly printed paper.

87 INT. DAILY SKETCH - PRINTING PRESS FACILITY - PRE-DAWN 87
Close Up on the Hoe's six-cylinder rotary press. The noise
and dust is brutal as machines spin eating rolls of paper.
Lilly Fortune is with the head printer, LARRY BUNDOCK (40’s).
Men grab bundles of newspapers, tie them and throw them into
carts.
Bundock lifts a newspaper to show Lilly and Xing.
They smile a each other.

88 INT. DAILY SKETCH – NEWROOM EDITORS OFFICE. DAWN 88
Lilly and Xing enter the newsroom as LORD NORTHCLIFFE (32) is
leaving the EDITOR’s OFFICE. He looks tied and has a pair of
boxing gloves tied around his neck.
LILLY FORTUNE
Morning Chief. Seen this?
Lilly holds up the front page:
HEADLINE: “HANGING IN THE BALANCE”
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
There are loose ends need tying up.
Northcliffe heads out of the building.
89 EXT/INT. BLACKFRIARS BOXING GYM. MORNING 89
Marshall is hitting a heavy bag with brutal punches.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Morning Marshall.
MARSHALL
Morning Alfred, up early or not
been to bed again?
He was Alfred Harmsworth before his Peerage.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
We are working on a big story so no
rest for the wicked. How’s crime?
MARSHALL
Thin gruel and the moneys no good.
Want to spar off some frustration?
Northcliffe smiles as he puts on his boxing gloves.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Yes, let’s but don’t think that
Cambridge Blue will help you here.

90 EXT. RIVER THAMES - WATERMAN'S SKIFF - DAWN 90
The skiff is tied to a buoy. Lionel Strutt has a cigarette in
one hand and holds onto the dead body with the other.
Philip Strutt and TWO POLICEMEN wade in from the shore.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary As dawn breaks outside the Daily Sketch printing press, Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu arrive to witness the bustling operations of the facility. They meet with Larry Bundock, who proudly presents a freshly printed newspaper. Lilly then encounters Lord Northcliffe, who is preoccupied with unfinished business, reflecting the pressures of the newspaper industry. Meanwhile, Northcliffe and Marshall discuss the lack of crime news before preparing to spar at a boxing gym. The scene takes a darker turn as it shifts to the River Thames, where Lionel Strutt is found with a dead body, hinting at escalating tensions and unresolved conflicts.
Strengths
  • Intriguing blend of genres
  • Tense and suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential overload of new characters
  • Complexity of plot may require close attention from the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends multiple genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling narrative. The introduction of new characters and the high-stakes situation add depth and intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining investigative journalism with criminal activities and high-stakes action is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the story and opens up new avenues for exploration.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and mystery. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for future revelations and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and characters, with a focus on investigative journalism and the printing press industry. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions reflect their motivations and goals.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The introduction of new characters like Xing Fu adds complexity to the narrative and expands the character dynamics. Existing characters like Marshall and Lord Northcliffe continue to evolve, adding depth to the overall story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new characters and the evolving dynamics between existing characters set the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lilly Fortune's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the headline 'HANGING IN THE BALANCE'. This reflects her desire for justice and her need to solve mysteries.

External Goal: 7

Lilly Fortune's external goal is to investigate the printing press facility and gather information for the story. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in uncovering the truth behind the headline.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The high-stakes nature of the situation intensifies the conflicts and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the challenges Lilly faces in uncovering the truth and the conflicting motivations of the other characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes nature of the scene, involving criminal activities, investigative journalism, and life-threatening situations, raises the tension and intensity of the narrative. The risks and consequences are palpable, adding urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the complex relationships between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the pursuit of truth and the manipulation of information for personal gain. This challenges Lilly's beliefs in the importance of honesty and integrity in journalism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to shock and intrigue. The characters' struggles and the high-stakes nature of the events create a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, reflecting the tension and urgency of the situation. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced dialogue, intriguing mystery, and dynamic interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving from the exterior of the printing press facility to the newsroom and boxing gym, effectively setting up the investigative plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the tension of discovering a body to the bustling environment of the Daily Sketch printing press, creating a contrast that heightens the stakes of the narrative. However, the abrupt shift in tone from horror to the industrious atmosphere of the printing press could be smoothed out with a more gradual transition or a connecting line that reflects on the implications of the murder on the news cycle.
  • The dialogue in this scene feels functional but lacks emotional depth. While it serves to convey information about the newspaper's operations and the characters' relationships, it could benefit from more subtext or personal stakes. For instance, Lilly's line about the headline could hint at her emotional investment in the story, making her character more relatable.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the printing presses and the wet cobbles reflecting light. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the printing press, such as the smell of ink or the sound of paper rustling, to immerse the audience further.
  • The introduction of Lord Northcliffe feels somewhat abrupt. While his character is established, the scene could benefit from a brief moment that highlights his relationship with Lilly and Marshall, perhaps through a shared joke or a moment of camaraderie, to deepen the audience's understanding of their dynamics.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The transition from the printing press to the boxing gym feels rushed. A brief moment of reflection or a line of dialogue that connects the two settings could help maintain the narrative flow and give the audience time to absorb the significance of the events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue or a moment that reflects on the implications of the murder discovered by Lionel, perhaps through Lilly's or Xing's perspective, to create a thematic link between the two scenes.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes in the dialogue by incorporating personal motivations or feelings related to the headline, allowing the characters to express their concerns or hopes regarding the story they are working on.
  • Include more sensory details in the descriptions of the printing press to create a more vivid atmosphere, such as the sounds of machinery, the smell of ink, or the sight of workers hustling, to draw the audience into the setting.
  • Introduce Lord Northcliffe with a line that showcases his rapport with Lilly and Marshall, perhaps through a shared joke or a moment of light-hearted banter, to establish their relationships more clearly.
  • Smooth the transition between the printing press and the boxing gym by adding a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that connects the two settings, allowing the audience to digest the significance of the events before moving on.



Scene 35 -  Sparring with Consequences
91 INT. BLACKFRIARS BOXING GYM – DAY 91
MARSHALL spars with LORD NORTHCLIFFE, trading sharp blows.
Northcliffe lands body shots, but Marshall is ether.
MARSHALL
How are Lilly and Xing getting on
with the story.
MARSHALL lands a right left cross combination knocking
NORTHCLIFFE into the ropes.
Northcliffe retaliates with a swift combination, forcing
Marshall to lean back and deflect the power.
NORTHCLIFFE
Slowly but investigations always
are.
MARSHALL lands a sharp hit on Northcliffe’s nose. NORTHCLIFFE
charges, only to be caught with a right cross and a clean
left jab on his way out.
NORTHCLIFFE lands a hard jab to MARSHALL’s gut and it hurts.
MARSHALL
That didn’t hurt...unexpected.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Remember, always keep your guard
up.
MARSHALL removes his gloves.
MARSHALL
Let’s call it a draw.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
I know you have a lot on your mind
so thank you for the work out.


92 INT. DAILY SKETCH PRINT WORKS - BUNDOCK’S OFFICE - DAY 92
LILLY FORTUNE
Can you increase production?
LARRY BUNDOCK
With six extra men I could double
output to thirty thousand an hour.
LILLY FORTUNE
I need to print one newspaper but
with a different front page.
LARRY BUNDOCK
(penny drops)
For which way the verdict goes?
LILLY FORTUNE
We must be selling the Sketch
before the other hacks have written
their stories. Can it be done?
LARRY BUNDOCK
It can but I assume Lord
Northcliffe doesn’t know?
Lilly puts her finger to her lips.

93 EXT. RIVER THAMES - SOUTH BANK - DAY 93
Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham watch the Two
Policemen place the body on the "Coroners" cart.
Abberline pulls back the shroud.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Jesus, look at the stomach. This
can’t be the same killer.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
The throats been cut same way.

94 EXT/INT. CARRIAGE, THAMES EMBANKMENT. DAY 94
Marshall, Gill, Lawless and Newton head to the Old Bailey.
Marshall looks out and sees the familiar shape of HMS
Polyphemus is navigating down the middle of the Thames.
MARSHALL
Polyphemus sails. That’s that then.

95 EXT. NEWSPAPER CART - LONDON - DAY 95
TWO MEN throw down bundles of newspapers to NEWSPAPER BOYS
outside the Old Bailey court building.
A disorderly queue waits to get into the Sneddon trial.
The paperboys hold the headline "HANGING IN THE BALANCE".
NEWSPAPER BOY #1
Judge threatens double hanging at
The Bailey.
Everyone begins to hand over the money to the paperboys.
NEWSPAPER BOY #2
Steady on. Plenty to go around.

96 EXT. CARRIAGE OUTSIDE OLD BAILEY - STREET - DAY 96
Marshall, Gill, Lawless and Newton get down from the coach.
Newton buys a newspaper. Holds up the front page to Marshall.
ARTHUR NEWTON
The trial really is in the balance.
They remove their hats as the Coroner's cart passes by.

97 EXT. BLACKFRIARS MORTUARY - DAY 97
Abberline and Cunningham wait as the Coroners cart arrives.
The body is placed onto a gurney, then taken inside.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In the Blackfriars Boxing Gym, Marshall spars with Lord Northcliffe while discussing a critical story involving Lilly and Xing. Despite Northcliffe's efforts, Marshall gains the upper hand, leading to a draw as they acknowledge their respective concerns. Meanwhile, Lilly Fortune strategizes with Larry Bundock to increase newspaper production for a timely front page based on the trial's verdict, unbeknownst to Northcliffe. The scene shifts to Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham investigating a body by the River Thames, drawing parallels to a previous murder. As Marshall and his companions head to the Old Bailey, they encounter newspaper boys selling trial headlines, reflecting on the trial's precarious situation.
Strengths
  • Complex plot development
  • Strong character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High emotional impact
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Minor pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends various genres and tones to create a compelling and suspenseful narrative. The intricate plot development, strong character interactions, and high emotional impact contribute to its high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of intertwining crime investigation, courtroom drama, and newspaper intrigue is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively explores complex themes of justice, truth, and morality, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple storylines converging to create tension and suspense. The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of historical crime investigation and journalism, blending them with traditional themes of power and morality. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and undergo subtle changes throughout the scene, particularly Marshall and Lilly. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, particularly Marshall and Sarah Sneddon. Their interactions and decisions reflect internal growth and development, adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and focus despite the distractions and challenges he faces. This reflects his deeper need for control and determination in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 9

Marshall's external goal is to navigate the complex web of investigations and relationships he is involved in, while also managing his personal life and responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and creating tension. The conflicts between characters, the legal system, and moral dilemmas add depth to the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that test their abilities and decisions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these hurdles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with legal battles, murder trials, and personal conflicts driving the narrative. The characters face life-changing decisions and moral dilemmas, adding intensity to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot developments, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting up future conflicts. It advances the narrative while maintaining tension and suspense.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the evolving plot. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and morality. Marshall must balance his desire for justice with the ethical dilemmas he faces in his investigations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, suspense, and empathy for the characters. The high stakes and intense conflicts heighten the emotional engagement of the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It effectively conveys emotions, motivations, and conflicts, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intriguing dialogue, and high stakes for the characters. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the investigation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the momentum of the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene adds to its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions and plot development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the boxing gym to the newspaper office, showcasing the duality of Marshall's life as both a fighter and a legal professional. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the character interactions. For instance, while Marshall and Northcliffe spar, their conversation about Lilly and Xing feels somewhat surface-level. Adding layers to their dialogue could enhance the emotional stakes and reveal more about their relationships.
  • The physicality of the boxing match is well-described, but the pacing could be improved. The rapid exchanges of blows and the dialogue feel a bit rushed, which may detract from the tension of the fight. Slowing down the action at key moments could allow the audience to absorb the significance of the punches and the characters' emotional states.
  • Lilly's determination to increase production at the newspaper is a strong plot point, but the transition from the boxing scene to the newspaper office feels abrupt. A smoother transition that connects the two settings thematically or through character motivation would enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The introduction of Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham in the following scene is intriguing, but it feels disconnected from the previous scenes. Establishing a clearer link between the boxing gym, the newspaper office, and the investigation could create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • The dialogue in the newspaper office is functional but lacks a sense of urgency or tension that would match the stakes of the trial. Infusing the conversation with more emotional weight could heighten the drama and engage the audience more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Marshall and Northcliffe during the boxing match. This could reveal their deeper concerns about the trial and their personal stakes in the outcome.
  • Slow down the pacing of the boxing match to allow for more dramatic moments. For example, after a significant punch, include a brief pause for the characters to react, which can heighten the tension.
  • Create a more seamless transition between the boxing gym and the newspaper office by incorporating a thematic element that connects the two scenes, such as a shared concern about the trial's outcome.
  • Introduce a line or two that hints at the urgency of the investigation in the newspaper office, perhaps by having Lilly express concern about the implications of the trial verdict on their work.
  • Consider ending the boxing scene with a more impactful line or moment that resonates with the themes of justice and struggle, setting the tone for the subsequent scenes.



Scene 36 -  Testimony and Tension at the Old Bailey
98 INT. OLD BAILEY - ROBING ROOM - DAY 98
Marshall, Newton, Gill, and Lawless take advantage of the
early hour and space.
CHARLIE GILL
If we say the fight began because
the officers offered Sarah money
for sex, we give the prosecution
the motive to kill.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Juries are middle-aged, middle
class and middle minded.
MARSHALL
I saw doubt in their faces. We
still have a good chance.
ARTHUR NEWTON
I hope you are right.

99 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - DAY 99
Maggie Cross is in the witness box. Ashraf Singh speaks.
ASHRAF SINGH
Mrs. Cross, please tell us exactly
what you saw and heard that night.
MAGGIE CROSS
I saw Billy rebuke the navy men.
ASHRAF SINGH
Rebuke for what?
MAGGIE CROSS
For what I could not say.
ASHRAF SINGH
Isn’t the truth that Billy launched
a vengeful, unprovoked attack and
was then helped by Sarah?
MAGGIE CROSS
The sailors were crude and
insulting to the regulars. I run a
friendly bar. God knows know what
they said to Sarah.
Singh looks at the jurors, realises they are sympathetic
towards the honest and down to earth Maggie Cross.
ASHRAF SINGH
Whatever they said, we can all
agree they did not deserve to die?
MAGGIE CROSS
I am a Christian woman and do not
wish ill on anyone. But those
arrogant, self-entitled men got
what they deserved.
The jurors are nodding at each other and impressed with
Maggie. Singh is on a hiding to nothing and sits down.
Gill stands and cross-examines.
CHARLIE GILL
Billy was then attacked by
Lieutenants Andrews and Brown?
MAGGIE CROSS
The blonde one, Andrews, hit Billy
with a chair. The other one kicked
him on the ground. Cowards.
CHARLIE GILL
Am I right a knife was produced by
one of the officers at that time?
MAGGIE CROSS
Not right then. Sarah struck
Andrews with a fire log. She got a
punch in the face for her trouble.
Then the knives came out.
CHARLIE GILL
Did someone slash Billy's face?
MAGGIE CROSS
Blood everywhere. The pain he must
have been in to get the knife away
from Andrews. It saved his life.
CHARLIE GILL
Last question. Did Billy Sneddon
kill Andrews intentionally?
MAGGIE CROSS
Andrews ran at Billy. The wet blade
went in, and it killed him.
Gill sits, and Marshall rises and takes over.
MARSHALL
Am I right, Sarah hit Andrews with
the log because he was beating the
life out of Billy with a chair leg?
MAGGIE CROSS
Yes, and was very brave to do so.
It was then I left to get the
police.
MARSHALL
Members of the Jury, English law
allows you to defend yourself and
your spouse. The Sneddon’s were
simply defending themselves.
Marshall looks at the jurors before sitting.
JUDGE PEACH
We have a long afternoon to come.
We will break for lunch.
USHER
All rise.
They all bow, and Marshall immediately leaves court.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In the Old Bailey, defense attorneys Marshall, Newton, Gill, and Lawless strategize for the trial while grappling with the prosecution's narrative. Maggie Cross testifies about the night of the altercation, revealing the sailors' aggressive behavior and supporting the defense's self-defense claim. Ashraf Singh struggles to undermine her testimony, which sways the jury's sympathy towards the Sneddons. The scene culminates with Judge Peach calling for a lunch break, leaving the defense team hopeful.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • High emotional impact
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and testimonies

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the courtroom drama and the conflicting testimonies of the witnesses. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, drawing the audience into the moral complexities of the case. The emotional impact is high, as the characters grapple with issues of justice, self-defense, and morality.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of the scene revolves around the testimony of a key witness in a high-stakes court case, exploring themes of justice, self-defense, and morality. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of the legal system and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The concept is executed with depth and nuance, engaging the audience in the ethical debates at play.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene revolves around the courtroom trial of the Sneddon's, with a focus on the testimony of Maggie Cross. The plot is engaging and suspenseful, with twists and turns that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by focusing on the theme of self-defense and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Maggie Cross is a sympathetic and honest witness, while Marshall, Gill, and Singh each bring their own perspectives to the trial. The characters' interactions and conflicts drive the drama of the scene, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional and moral changes in the scene, as they confront their beliefs, motivations, and actions. Maggie Cross's testimony challenges the perceptions of the jurors, while Marshall, Gill, and Singh grapple with the implications of her words. The scene marks a turning point in the characters' development and the trajectory of the trial.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to defend Billy Sneddon and Sarah by presenting their actions as self-defense and justifiable. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and fairness.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the jury that Billy and Sarah acted in self-defense and should not be held responsible for the deaths of the navy men. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving innocence in a court of law.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.2

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high in the courtroom trial. The conflicting testimonies of the witnesses, the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, and the stakes of the case all contribute to the intense conflict that drives the drama of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations that create obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left unsure of the outcome of the trial.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters' fates hanging in the balance as the trial unfolds. The moral dilemmas, conflicting testimonies, and ethical questions raise the stakes for the characters, adding tension, suspense, and drama to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting the stage for the climax of the trial. The plot progresses at a brisk pace, with twists and turns that keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances and revelations about the characters' motivations. The audience is kept on their toes as new information is revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of self-defense versus premeditated murder. The protagonist's beliefs in justice and fairness are challenged by the prosecution's argument of vengeful and unprovoked attacks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with the characters grappling with moral dilemmas, ethical questions, and the weight of their decisions. The audience is drawn into the emotional depth of the scene, feeling empathy, sympathy, and tension as the characters navigate the complexities of the trial.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and emotionally resonant. The exchanges between the characters reveal their inner conflicts and moral dilemmas, adding depth and nuance to the narrative. The dialogue drives the plot forward and highlights the themes of justice, self-defense, and morality.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, dramatic conflict, and well-developed characters. The dialogue and action keep the audience invested in the outcome of the trial.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character cues that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear dialogue and action sequences that build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of a courtroom setting, showcasing the stakes involved in the trial. The dialogue is sharp and reveals character motivations, particularly through Maggie Cross's testimony, which adds depth to the narrative.
  • The use of cross-examination is well-executed, allowing for a dynamic exchange between characters. However, the pacing could be improved; some lines feel a bit rushed, which may hinder the audience's ability to fully absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Maggie Cross's character is portrayed as strong and principled, which is commendable. However, her motivations could be further explored to enhance her depth. Why does she feel so strongly about the sailors? A brief flashback or a more explicit statement could provide context.
  • The transition from the robing room to the courtroom is smooth, but the scene could benefit from a stronger visual description of the courtroom environment to immerse the audience further. Describing the jurors' reactions or the atmosphere in the courtroom could heighten the tension.
  • The dialogue is generally effective, but some lines could be more concise. For instance, Maggie's responses could be trimmed to maintain the scene's momentum. The phrase 'God knows know what they said to Sarah' could be simplified for clarity.
  • The ending of the scene, with the judge calling for a lunch break, feels abrupt. It might be more impactful to end on a moment of tension or uncertainty, perhaps with a lingering look from the jurors or a reaction shot of Marshall as he leaves the court.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or context for Maggie Cross's strong feelings about the sailors to deepen her character and motivations.
  • Enhance the pacing by tightening some of the dialogue, ensuring that each line serves to build tension or develop character.
  • Include more visual descriptions of the courtroom and the jurors' reactions to immerse the audience in the scene and heighten the stakes.
  • End the scene on a more dramatic note, perhaps with a lingering shot of the jurors or a moment of uncertainty for Marshall, to leave the audience wanting more.
  • Explore the emotional stakes for Marshall and the defense team more explicitly, perhaps through internal thoughts or reactions to Maggie's testimony.



Scene 37 -  Oysters and Intrigue
100 EXT. OYSTER BAR - BOROUGH MARKET - DAY 100
Oysters on the half shell are presented over an ice bucket.
Lilly picks up an oyster, places chopped shallot and lemon
juice onto it and lets it slide into her mouth.
LILLY FORTUNE
They say the bravest man on earth
was the first to eat raw oyster.
Lilly smiles her most flirtatious smile.
MARSHALL
Why would they presume it was a
man? Most men are squeamish about
putting anything raw into their
mouths.
They both smile.
LILLY FORTUNE
Touché.
MARSHALL
To what do I owe the pleasure?
LILLY FORTUNE
A girl can’t buy you lunch without
an ulterior motive?
MARSHALL
I like a free lunch, but this isn’t
one, is it?
LILLY FORTUNE
I am cultivating a network of
people with mutual interests.
MARSHALL
I have very little influence.
LILLY FORTUNE
You have influence. I see the way
people look and listen to you. That
is an attractive quality.
MARSHALL
You flatter me. But why?
LILLY FORTUNE
I like how you fight. It’s
provocative but measured. Fearless
yet pragmatic. You go to the edge.
MARSHALL
I despise injustice.
LILLY FORTUNE
You let Northcliffe help you.
MARSHALL
Its mutual. We are old friends, and
he does have great influence.
LILLY FORTUNE
You use him because he promises the
social change you desire?
MARSHALL
We are using each other.
LILLY FORTUNE
It’s very Faustian. Would you sell
your soul to get what you desire?
MARSHALL
I prefer to rent it and keep the
freehold.
LILLY FORTUNE
I trade favours to get help from my
informants.
MARSHALL
That of course includes the police.
LILLY FORTUNE
Briefings on a daily basis.
MARSHALL
You are close to Fred Abberline.
Are you lovers?
Lilly doesn’t avoid eye contact.
LILLY FORTUNE
Would you be jealous if we were?
MARSHALL
Now you make me think about it.
Yes.
They each avoid eye contact for a moment.
LILLY
I need your help.
MARSHALL
If I can.
LILLY FORTUNE
What are the two most likely
outcomes of the Sneddon trial?
Marshall points upwards.
MARSHALL
Billy is on solid ground for self
defence with Andrews. I have a
medical defence for Sarah on Brown.
Regrettably that may scupper Billy.
It’s fifty-fifty for him.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary At an oyster bar in Borough Market, Lilly Fortune and Marshall engage in a flirtatious yet intellectually charged conversation. Lilly admires Marshall's fighting spirit while seeking his help regarding the Sneddon trial. As they discuss the trial's potential outcomes, tension arises from Lilly's ulterior motives, leading to a complex interplay of personal and professional interests. The scene blends light-hearted flirtation with serious legal insights, culminating in a shift from playful banter to a more serious discussion.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Chemistry between characters
  • Intriguing setup for future events
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with engaging dialogue that reveals character depth and sets up intrigue. The flirtatious banter adds a layer of complexity to the relationship between Marshall and Lilly, while also hinting at their shared goals and values.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around exploring the relationship and motivations of the characters through a clever and flirtatious conversation. It sets the stage for future developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on character dynamics and relationship building, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and developments. It advances the narrative by revealing key information about the characters' motivations and goals.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and intriguing situations through the characters' discussions of power, influence, and morality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Marshall and Lilly are well-developed in this scene, with their personalities, motivations, and dynamics coming to the forefront through their dialogue and interactions. Their chemistry and depth make them compelling and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Marshall and Lilly hints at potential shifts in their relationship dynamics and motivations. It sets the stage for future developments and character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Lilly's internal goal in this scene is to cultivate a network of people with mutual interests and to gain Marshall's help. This reflects her desire for power, influence, and social change.

External Goal: 7

Lilly's external goal is to seek Marshall's help in understanding the likely outcomes of the Sneddon trial. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her investigative work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around the characters' motivations, values, and relationships. While there is tension and intrigue in the dialogue, the conflict is more subtle and nuanced.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power dynamics, and moral dilemmas creating tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on character dynamics and relationship building. While there is tension and intrigue in the dialogue, the immediate consequences are not high, setting the stage for future conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters' motivations, values, and relationships. It sets up future conflicts and developments, advancing the narrative in a subtle and engaging manner.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected revelations in the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, influence, and morality. Lilly and Marshall discuss the use of influence and favours to achieve their goals, raising questions about the ethics of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the flirtatious and intellectually stimulating interaction between Marshall and Lilly. The characters' chemistry and depth evoke curiosity and engagement from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and engaging, revealing the characters' personalities, motivations, and dynamics. It drives the scene forward, adds depth to the characters, and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, subtle tension, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development. The rhythm contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a flirtatious dynamic between Lilly and Marshall, showcasing their chemistry through witty banter. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly expository, particularly when discussing their motivations and relationships. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • The use of oysters as a metaphor for bravery is clever, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details about the setting. Describing the ambiance of the oyster bar, the sounds, and the sights could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • While the dialogue touches on important themes of influence and moral compromise, it risks becoming too philosophical without grounding it in the characters' immediate emotional stakes. The stakes of the Sneddon trial could be more explicitly tied to their conversation to heighten tension.
  • The transition from flirtation to serious discussion about the trial feels abrupt. A smoother segue could help maintain the scene's rhythm and keep the audience engaged. Perhaps a moment of vulnerability or a shared glance could bridge the two tones more effectively.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat abrupt note with Marshall's assessment of the trial outcomes. While it provides information, it lacks emotional weight. Adding a line that reflects Marshall's personal stakes or fears regarding the trial could deepen the impact of this moment.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the oyster bar to create a vivid atmosphere, enhancing the setting's role in the scene.
  • Streamline the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow the characters' personalities to shine through more naturally. Focus on subtext rather than overtly stating motivations.
  • Connect the philosophical discussions about influence and morality more directly to the characters' emotional stakes in the Sneddon trial to heighten tension.
  • Create a smoother transition between the flirtation and the serious discussion by including a moment of shared vulnerability or tension that reflects their relationship.
  • Add a line or two at the end that conveys Marshall's personal stakes or emotional response to the trial's potential outcomes, giving the scene a more resonant conclusion.



Scene 38 -  Clues from the Mortuary
101 INT. BLACKFRIARS MORTUARY - DAY 101
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
What are you saying Doctor?
Piper removes his mask to speak. He points at the Thames
girl’s body.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
The person who killed her...
Piper pulls back the shroud on another table where the corpse
of an African girl is laying.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER (CONT'D)
…is the same person who killed this
girl. She was found last night at
Bankside.

FLASH - a mortuary photographer gets a shot of redhead girl.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Same throat wound?

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Same. Bankside girl was left on the
beach. Possibly disturbed putting
her into the water.
Piper covers up the African girl.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
What are the abdomen wounds on
Thames girl?
Abberline steps in closer as Piper demonstrates.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
The killer is getting bolder. He
performed a partial hepatectomy,
skilfully and in the dark.
Abberline takes in this grim news.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
He performed a what?
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
He removed part of her liver.
Cunningham's eyes are drawn to the name label inside the
girl’s dress. He lifts it up to the light.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
“Veronique” something. Can’t make
out the surname.
Piper looks at it.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Dubois. It's French.
Abberline looks at VERONIQUE DUBOIS's face.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Well Veronique How, how did you get
here and why would someone do this
to you?
Cunningham examines her possessions and is drawn to the
distinctive blue chip on the gurney.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
Why would she have this? It’s from
a casino.
Abberline looks at the embossing around the edge.
BIG CLOSE UP:
The letters F.D.L are burnt into the rim.
He hands the chip to Cunningham to examine.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
FDL. Fleur de Lis?
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
If you paid a harlot with a gaming
chip is clever.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
It can be cashed in after sex.
Abberline is seeing the bigger picture.
SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
I’ll get the photographs over to
Lilly Fortune for publication.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
If we connect either girl to Fleur
de Lis or The Cormorant, we may
have enough for a search warrant.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In the Blackfriars Mortuary, Inspector Abberline and Doctor Augustus Piper examine the bodies of two murdered girls, discovering they were killed by the same perpetrator. Piper reveals the killer's increasing boldness, highlighted by a partial hepatectomy on one victim. Sergeant Cunningham finds the name 'Veronique Dubois' and a casino chip with initials 'FDL' among the Thames girl's belongings, suggesting a link to a potential suspect. The team discusses the implications of this evidence, intensifying the urgency of their investigation as they seek to establish a clear connection to pursue further action.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Compelling investigative elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue by revealing new information about the murders and setting up a compelling mystery. The grim details of the murders and the investigative process create a sense of urgency and importance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of linking the two murders through forensic evidence and investigative work is intriguing and adds depth to the narrative. The introduction of the casino chip and potential criminal connections elevate the stakes and complexity of the case.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene with the discovery of a new murder victim and the revelation of a potential connection to a criminal organization. The scene adds layers to the overarching mystery and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the murder investigation genre by focusing on the forensic details of the crimes and the psychological impact on the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Inspector Abberline and Doctor Piper, are focused on the investigation and the grim details of the murders. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the unfolding mystery and contribute to the overall tension.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the new evidence and revelations deepen the characters' involvement in the investigation and raise the stakes for their pursuit of justice.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the identity and motives of the killer. This reflects their deeper need for justice and closure, as well as their fear of the unknown and danger lurking in their society.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to gather evidence to connect the murders to a specific location or organization, such as Fleur de Lis or The Cormorant. This reflects the immediate challenge of obtaining a search warrant and solving the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the grim details of the murders, the potential criminal connections, and the urgency of solving the case. The tension and stakes are high, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in uncovering the killer's identity and motives. The audience is kept in suspense as they navigate the obstacles in the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters uncover new evidence, link the murders to a criminal organization, and realize the gravity of the situation. The potential implications of the criminal connections raise the stakes for the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new murder victim, establishing a connection to a criminal organization, and deepening the mystery surrounding the case. The revelations propel the investigation and add complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation, the revelation of new evidence, and the shifting dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of human life and the morality of the killer's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and the sanctity of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a sense of concern, intrigue, and anticipation in the audience as the investigation takes a dark turn. The grim details of the murders and the potential criminal connections create a somber and intense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is focused on the forensic details of the murders, the investigative process, and the potential implications of the new evidence. It effectively conveys the seriousness and urgency of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful dialogue, the mystery surrounding the murders, and the dynamic interactions between the characters. The audience is drawn into the investigation and eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue, action, and exposition. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a focus on evidence gathering and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a grim atmosphere, reflecting the dark themes of the narrative. The dialogue between Inspector Abberline and Doctor Piper is informative and serves to advance the plot by revealing critical details about the murders. However, the exposition could be more engaging; the dialogue feels somewhat clinical and lacks emotional weight, which could enhance the impact of the revelations.
  • The introduction of the casino chip adds an intriguing layer to the investigation, hinting at a larger network of crime. However, the transition from the examination of the bodies to the discussion of the casino feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and keep the audience engaged.
  • The use of medical terminology, such as 'partial hepatectomy,' while accurate, may alienate some viewers. Simplifying this language or providing a brief explanation through dialogue could make the scene more accessible without sacrificing authenticity.
  • The characters of Abberline and Cunningham are somewhat underdeveloped in this scene. While they serve their roles in the investigation, adding more personal stakes or emotional reactions to the gruesome discoveries could deepen their characterization and make the audience more invested in their journey.
  • The visual descriptions are effective, particularly the close-up of the casino chip, which serves as a strong visual motif. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere—sounds, smells, and the physical sensations of the mortuary could create a more immersive experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or emotional response from Abberline or Cunningham after discovering the bodies. This could humanize them and make the audience more empathetic towards their plight.
  • Introduce a brief flashback or memory that connects one of the characters to the victims, which could provide a personal stake in the investigation and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more dynamic exchanges that reflect the urgency and horror of the situation. For example, characters could express disbelief or anger at the brutality of the murders, which would add depth to their reactions.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the coldness of the mortuary, the smell of antiseptic, or the sounds of the city outside to ground the scene in reality.
  • Consider breaking up the exposition with action or movement. For instance, as they discuss the findings, they could be moving through the mortuary, examining other bodies or artifacts, which would keep the scene visually engaging.



Scene 39 -  The Weight of Truth
102 INT. THE OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - DAY 102
Wilton's landlord Jimmy Cross is in the witness box.
EDWARD CARSON
Lets be honest. The Naval Officers
insulted Sarah and you handed Billy
a knife to finish them off?
JIMMY CROSS
Brown got the knife from a sailor.
I had no knife and nor did Billy.
EDWARD CARSON
You and Sneddon saw action at
Rorkes Drift. Brother’s in arms are
obligated to help each other.
JIMMY CROSS
Billy fought them with his bare
hands. He was regimental
middleweight champion.
EDWARD CARSON
You gave him the killing knife.
Jimmy knows he said too much.
JIMMY CROSS
How many knife fights you have been
in? Forget Queensbury rules.
Marshall looks up at Lilly Fortune who is writing.

103 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - PRESS BENCHES. DAY 103
Xing perfectly captures Jimmy’s features.
XING FU
I want to get Carson and Singh.
Individuals or together?
Lilly looks at the image of Jimmy.
LILLY FORTUNE
Can we have both?
Xing begins immediately and we stay with her until she has
mapped out the recognisable features of Carson and Singh.

104 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM. DAY 104
EDWARD CARSON
I have not yet had that pleasure.
JIMMY CROSS
A blade opens flesh like butter.
Blood escapes like oil. If you are
foolish enough to start a knife
fight and you had better know the
rules.
EDWARD CARSON
And what are these rules?
JIMMY CROSS
The winner is last man standing.
The Jurors see Jimmy Cross is truthful. Carson is riled.
EDWARD CARSON
You said Sneddon’s fists were as
effective as any knife?
JIMMY CROSS
You are putting words in my mouth.
EDWARD CARSON
The truth I am looking for is
Sneddon obtained a knife and he
killed Andrews out of revenge. Then
his wife did the same to Brown.
Carson sits. The jurors consider his proposition.
Marshall and Gill whisper to each other. Gill nods and rises.
CHARLIE GILL
I have no questions for this
witness my Lord.
Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
(to Jimmy Cross)
Billy and Sarah Sneddon are very
proud people. It is pride that put
them in the dock. You swore an oath
of silence but unless you to tell
this Jury what happened right now,
they will both hang.
Jimmy looks at Billy in a panic. Billy slowly nods back.
Jimmy narrates as we see in FLASHBACK:
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene, Jimmy Cross is questioned by Edward Carson about a knife fight involving Billy Sneddon. Carson accuses Jimmy of supplying the knife, but Jimmy insists Billy fought barehanded. As the pressure mounts, Marshall urges Jimmy to reveal the truth to save Billy and Sarah from hanging. The jurors begin to see Jimmy's honesty, but Carson remains aggressive. The scene culminates in Jimmy's panic as he looks at Billy, who silently encourages him to speak up, hinting at a revealing flashback.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Compelling conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and flashbacks

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, with intense dialogue and a pivotal moment in the trial that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The flashback adds depth to the narrative, and the conflict between the characters is well-executed.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on a key testimony in a high-stakes trial, is compelling and well-executed. The use of a flashback adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial to the overall story, as it reveals important information about the case and the characters involved. The conflict between the defense and prosecution drives the scene forward and adds to the suspense.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on legal drama, focusing on themes of loyalty and honor among friends in a courtroom setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The tension between Marshall, Gill, and Jimmy Cross adds depth to the conflict and keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the trial.

Character Changes: 9

Jimmy Cross undergoes a significant change in the scene, as he is pressured to reveal the truth and ultimately decides to do so, despite the consequences. This moment marks a turning point for his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his friends, Billy and Sarah Sneddon, by maintaining his oath of silence while also trying to avoid incriminating them.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the legal proceedings and avoid incriminating himself or his friends in the crime being discussed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with tensions running high between the defense and prosecution, as well as within the witness's own moral dilemma. The stakes are raised as the truth hangs in the balance.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult moral choices and legal consequences that add to the tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as the fate of the accused hangs in the balance based on Jimmy Cross's testimony. The tension and drama are heightened by the weight of the decision he must make.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the case and advancing the trial's narrative. The revelation from Jimmy Cross propels the plot towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting allegiances and moral dilemmas faced by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of loyalty and honor among friends, as well as the consequences of breaking an oath of silence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and the weight of the trial's outcome. The audience is emotionally invested in the fate of the accused and the truth behind the events.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue in the scene is intense and impactful, driving the conflict between the characters and revealing important information about the case. The exchanges between Marshall, Gill, and Jimmy Cross are particularly compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense dialogue, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a courtroom drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear dialogue and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Jimmy Cross is cross-examined by Edward Carson, showcasing the high stakes involved in the trial. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional weight of the moment. For instance, while Jimmy's statements about knife fights are vivid, they could also reflect his internal conflict about loyalty and the consequences of his testimony.
  • The transition to the flashback is a strong narrative device, but it could be more seamlessly integrated. The scene could hint at the flashback earlier, perhaps through Jimmy's facial expressions or a brief internal monologue, to create anticipation for the audience.
  • The courtroom dynamics are well-established, but the scene could further explore the reactions of the jurors and other characters in the courtroom. Their body language and expressions could provide additional layers of tension and engagement, making the audience feel the weight of the moment.
  • While the dialogue is generally strong, some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly when characters explicitly state their motivations or feelings. For example, Jimmy's line about pride could be rephrased to show rather than tell, allowing the audience to infer the emotional stakes.
  • The pacing of the scene is mostly effective, but it could benefit from moments of silence or pauses to heighten the tension. Allowing characters to react to each other's words before moving on can create a more dramatic impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue to convey the characters' internal struggles and motivations without explicitly stating them.
  • Consider foreshadowing the flashback earlier in the scene to build anticipation and create a smoother transition into the narrative shift.
  • Add more focus on the jurors' reactions throughout the scene to enhance the courtroom atmosphere and reflect the tension of the trial.
  • Revise some of the dialogue to be less direct, allowing characters to express their feelings and motivations through actions and implications rather than explicit statements.
  • Introduce pauses or moments of silence after key lines to allow the weight of the words to resonate with both the characters and the audience.



Scene 40 -  Confrontation at Wiltons Music Hall
105 INT. WILTONS MUSIC HALL - FIREPLACE. NIGHT 105
JIMMY CROSS (O.S.)
To begin with, the officers were
just crude...but then....
LIEUTENANT BROWN
I thought so Freddie. It is her.
Sally? Or Sadie?
Sarah looks downwards out of personal modesty, but Andrews
grabs her chin and pulls it up to see her full face.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
Called herself Sarah when we
ploughed her. Are you still whoring
for Somerset or is he your new
pimp?
LIEUTENANT BROWN
(looks at Sarah)
Did Somerset throw you out after we
used you up?
JIMMY CROSS
You have her mixed up with someone
else. Leave her alone.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
(to Sarah)
It’s her alright. I thought about
you for weeks afterwards.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
So, did I. My first African.
Jimmy pushes the poker into the fire.
JIMMY CROSS
She's a respectable married woman.
Andrews and Brown both laugh in his face.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
(to Jimmy)
She’s a twenty guinea whore.
Somerset will cut off your balls
when we tell him you are pimping
out one of his tarts.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
I would have paid anything, but you
were a present from Somerset.
Andrews takes out bank notes and slams them on the table.
LIEUTENANT ANDREWS
(to Jimmy)
Get me the keys to your best room.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
(to Sarah)
Let’s go upstairs and this time we
won’t be rough.
Jimmy takes the red hot poker out of the fire and raises it.
JIMMY CROSS
Get out of my bar you bastards.
Brown shoves Jimmy backwards, and he falls over. The poker
clatters off the stone slab floor.
Suddenly Billy comes out of nowhere. He hits Andrews with a
powerful double jab, right cross. He crashes to the floor.
Billy head buts Brown who also goes down.
End Flashback:

106 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM. DAY 106
The public gallery is animated as spectators discuss amongst
themselves what they have heard.
MARSHALL
The prosecution say Billy had the
knife or that you gave it to him?
JIMMY CROSS
Brown got it from a sailor. Find
him and get the truth.
MARSHALL
Sadly, that ship has sailed. What
happened next?
107 INT. OLD BAILEY - PUBLIC GALLERY - DAY 107
Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham enter the packed
public gallery. They stand as they watch the proceedings.

108 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - DAY 108
JIMMY CROSS
Brown stuck the Bowie knife into
Billy's shoulder. He pulled it out
and turned towards Sarah.
Lilly Fortune is taking down every word.
MARSHALL
What Billy did next is crucial.
Jimmy Cross is reliving the moment and lacks caution.
JIMMY CROSS
Seeing Sarah was in danger, Billy
swung around and landed an uppercut
onto Brown's jaw.
Carson is taking extensive notes during this exchange and
shows them to Singh, who nods. They are up to something.
MARSHALL
What happened to the knife?
JIMMY CROSS
It was wet from Billy's blood, It
slid from Brown's hand and stuck in
the table. Sarah grabbed it and
plunged it into Brown.
Gill sits. The Jurors are looking a bit more sympathetic.
MARSHALL
Did she intend to kill him?
Jimmy looks across at Sarah in the dock.
JIMMY CROSS
Maybe. I know I did.
The noise level in the courtroom increases dramatically.
JUDGE PEACH
It is a reasonable time to rise for
the evening.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense flashback at Wiltons Music Hall, Lieutenant Brown and Lieutenant Andrews confront Sarah, mocking her past and accusing her of being a prostitute. Jimmy Cross defends her, but the situation escalates when Andrews demands access to a room, prompting Jimmy to threaten them with a red-hot poker. Billy intervenes heroically, leading to a chaotic fight where Sarah ultimately stabs Brown with a knife during the confrontation. The scene transitions to the Old Bailey courtroom, where Jimmy recounts the violent events.
Strengths
  • Intense courtroom drama
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and testimonies

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a high level of tension and drama that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is intense and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and plot. The execution is solid, effectively conveying the emotional stakes of the trial.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the trial testimony of a key witness, adding depth to the plot and character dynamics. The focus on revealing crucial details through testimony creates intrigue and suspense.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the trial narrative, with Jimmy Cross's testimony shedding light on the events leading to the altercation. The conflict between the prosecution and defense adds layers of tension and drama to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of abuse and exploitation, portraying complex characters and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with Jimmy Cross playing a pivotal role in revealing key information. The interactions between the characters, including Marshall, Gill, and the witnesses, add depth to the courtroom drama.

Character Changes: 8

Jimmy Cross undergoes a significant character change during the scene, transitioning from reluctance to reveal the truth to a moment of clarity and honesty. His testimony not only impacts the trial but also showcases his growth as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect the woman, Sarah, from the abusive officers and defend her honor. This reflects his deeper need for justice, decency, and standing up against oppression.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to confront the officers and protect Sarah from further harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of standing up to authority and defending the vulnerable.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the prosecution and defense, as well as within the courtroom itself. The conflicting narratives and the emotional stakes of the trial contribute to the intense conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the officers posing a significant threat to the protagonist and Sarah. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding suspense and drama to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the outcome of the trial hanging in the balance. The conflicting testimonies and the emotional intensity of the courtroom drama raise the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial details about the altercation and the motivations behind the characters' actions. The testimony of Jimmy Cross adds depth to the trial narrative and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of violence, unexpected actions by the characters, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in the officers' lack of respect for human dignity and the protagonist's belief in justice and decency. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, highlighting the clash between morality and corruption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the audience feeling the tension and drama of the trial proceedings. The sympathetic portrayal of Jimmy Cross and the high stakes of the testimony add depth to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is intense and confrontational, reflecting the high stakes of the trial. The exchanges between the characters, especially during the testimony, are compelling and drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas. The raw dialogue and vivid descriptions draw the audience into the characters' struggles and create a sense of urgency and tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating conflicts, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, with clear dialogue exchanges and action sequences that build tension and conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's intensity and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses a flashback to provide context and backstory, which helps to build tension and emotional stakes. However, the transition between the flashback and the courtroom could be smoother. The abrupt shift might confuse the audience, so consider adding a visual or auditory cue to signal the transition more clearly.
  • The dialogue is sharp and impactful, particularly in how it reveals the characters' personalities and the power dynamics at play. However, some lines, especially from the lieutenants, could be perceived as overly crude or stereotypical. While this may serve to highlight their villainy, it risks reducing them to one-dimensional characters. Adding layers to their motivations could enhance the conflict.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could benefit from moments of silence or pauses after particularly intense exchanges. This would allow the audience to absorb the weight of the dialogue and the implications of the characters' actions.
  • The emotional stakes are high, particularly for Jimmy Cross, who is caught between loyalty and fear. However, his internal conflict could be more explicitly portrayed. Consider adding internal monologue or physical reactions to heighten the tension and show his struggle more vividly.
  • The courtroom setting is well-utilized, but the visual descriptions could be more vivid. Describing the reactions of the jurors and the atmosphere in the courtroom could enhance the tension and provide a clearer picture of the stakes involved.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a more gradual transition from the flashback to the courtroom scene, perhaps by using a sound cue or a visual effect that signifies the shift in time and space.
  • Consider adding depth to the lieutenants' characters by providing a brief glimpse into their motivations or backgrounds, which could make their actions more compelling and less stereotypical.
  • Incorporate pauses or moments of silence after key lines of dialogue to allow the audience to process the emotional weight of the exchanges.
  • Enhance Jimmy Cross's internal conflict by including brief internal thoughts or physical reactions that illustrate his fear and loyalty, making his character more relatable and complex.
  • Add more descriptive elements to the courtroom setting, focusing on the reactions of the jurors and the overall atmosphere, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 41 -  A Haunting Revelation
109 INT. THE GEORGE PUBLIC HOUSE - NIGHT 109
Marshall and Lilly Fortune are having dinner when Abberline
arrives.
MARSHALL
Have you eaten inspector?
Abberline looks haunted.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
I’m not hungry but I will take a
beaker of wine if you don't mind.
Lilly pours him a large glass of red. Abberline exchanges it
for an envelope.
LILLY FORTUNE
What’s this Fred?
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Can you get these in the paper?
Lilly opens the envelope and finds photographs of Veronique
Dubois in the mortuary. The images shows some of the
injuries.
Lilly hands them to Marshall.
MARSHALL
Do you have the autopsy report for
this murder and the others? That's
where you will make the connection.
Abberline hands the Coroners reports to Marshall.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Right now, I would just be happy to
solve Veronique's. I just sense it
is somehow connected to Somerset.
LILLY FORTUNE
Would Billy have checked the papers
of Cormorants passengers?
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
Yes, which is why I need to
question him before the verdict
comes in.
MARSHALL
He is fragile enough as it is.
Abberline grabs the wine bottle and fill his glass.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
But I do have another idea.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary At The George Public House, Marshall and Lilly Fortune are joined by a troubled Inspector Abberline, who shares grim photographs of murder victim Veronique Dubois. As they discuss the urgency of connecting her case to others, Abberline reveals his need to question a fragile witness named Billy. The atmosphere is tense as they strategize on how to proceed, with Marshall hinting at a new idea to further the investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Investigative focus
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong focus on the investigation and building tension. The dialogue is engaging, and the stakes are high, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of delving into the details of a murder case and exploring potential connections to other crimes is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The scene effectively sets up future developments in the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the investigation and adding layers of complexity to the overall story. It sets up important revelations and character dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime investigation genre by blending historical elements with a compelling mystery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the investigation.

Character Changes: 7

There is a subtle shift in the characters' perspectives and motivations, particularly in their approach to the investigation and their relationships with each other. This sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal is to uncover the connection between the murders and solve the case. This reflects his desire for justice and his need to protect his loved ones from harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to question Billy before the verdict comes in, indicating a sense of urgency and the need to gather crucial information for the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in terms of the investigation itself and the personal stakes for the characters. The tension between solving the case and protecting the accused adds depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and potential consequences for the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters race against time to solve the murder case before the verdict is delivered. The outcome could have far-reaching consequences for the accused and the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by providing key information about the murder case and setting up future plot developments. It advances the investigation and adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the characters' conflicting motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire for justice and the potential harm that questioning Billy may cause. This challenges their beliefs about the importance of truth and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with a sense of urgency and determination driving the characters' actions. The stakes are raised, leading to a heightened sense of suspense.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing important information about the case and the characters' relationships. It adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful storytelling, sharp dialogue, and intriguing character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events contribute to the overall suspense of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a focus on building tension and revealing crucial information. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through the arrival of Inspector Abberline, who is described as looking haunted. This visual cue immediately signals to the audience that something serious is at stake, enhancing the dramatic weight of the dialogue that follows.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, with each character contributing to the conversation in a way that reveals their motivations and the gravity of the situation. Marshall's inquiry about the autopsy report and Abberline's desire to solve Veronique's case create a clear objective for the characters, driving the narrative forward.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth. While Abberline's haunted appearance suggests distress, the dialogue lacks a visceral emotional response to the gruesome nature of the photographs. Adding a line or two that reflects the emotional toll of the investigation on Abberline or Marshall could enhance the scene's impact.
  • The exchange of the envelope and the photographs is a pivotal moment, but it feels somewhat rushed. Expanding on Lilly's reaction to the photographs could provide a more profound connection to the audience, allowing them to grasp the horror of the situation. This could also serve to deepen her character, showcasing her empathy and professional dedication.
  • The mention of Somerset as a potential connection adds intrigue, but it could be more effectively foreshadowed or elaborated upon. A brief line from Abberline explaining why he suspects Somerset could heighten the tension and set up future conflicts in the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Abberline visibly reacts to the photographs, perhaps pausing before handing them over, to emphasize the emotional weight of the evidence.
  • Include a line from Lilly that expresses her horror or concern upon seeing the photographs, which would help to humanize her character and create a stronger emotional resonance with the audience.
  • Expand on the dialogue regarding Somerset's connection to the case. A line that hints at past interactions or motives could create a more compelling narrative thread.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or a shared look between Marshall and Lilly after Abberline reveals the photographs, allowing the weight of the situation to settle before moving on to the next plot point.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more definitive statement from Marshall about his next steps, which could serve as a cliffhanger and propel the audience's anticipation for what comes next.



Scene 42 -  Courtroom Confrontations
110 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - DAY 110

Ashraf Singh has called Billy Sneddon to give evidence.
BILLY SNEDDON
To tell the truth, so help me God.
ASHRAF SINGH
Did you witness your wife murder
Lieutenant Brown Mr Sneddon?
Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
Neither spouses can be required to
give evidence against the other.
ASHRAF SINGH
(busted)
Quite right. I will rephrase the
question. Mr Sneddon, did you
witness what happened to Lieutenant
Brown after you punched him?
Billy looks over at the dock where Sarah is rotating Rosary
beads through her fingers.
BILLY SNEDDON
I didn’t see anything.
ASHRAF SINGH
You are an army man. A hard man. A
killer. A man used to a knife
fight. I have your military record.
Carson hands Singh a British Army file.
BILLY SNEDDON
I served at a time of need.
ASHRAF SINGH
You worked behind enemy lines. A
gun expert and knife specialist.
BILLY SNEDDON
Yes.
ASHRAF SINGH
You were so haunted from killing so
many men that the Army discharged
you with traumatic hysteria?
BILLY SNEDDON
I fought and killed but the dead
fought back. Mostly in my head.
ASHRAF SINGH
What does such a warrior do when
his wife is called a whore?
BILLY SNEDDON
I was angry.
ASHRAF SINGH
Angry enough to murder both men?
BILLY SNEDDON
Yes.
The court goes into stunned silence.
ASHRAF SINGH
You admit it.
Billy looks again at Sarah.
BILLY SNEDDON
I determined they should die...
Billy looks at Marshall and Gill.
BILLY SNEDDON (CONT'D)
.. until my wife said not to. She
forgave them for everything they
did to her. I walked away.

ASHRAF SINGH
But ultimately you did kill them.

Sarah smiles at him now that Billy is able to tell the truth.

BILLY SNEDDON
They tried to kill me and my wife.

ASHRAF SINGH
I have no further questions my
Lord.

Ashraf Singh sits. Gill gets up.

CHARLIE GILL
I have no questions my Lord.

Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
My Lord I hope to paint the bigger
picture.

JUDGE PEACH
I will give you some leeway.

MARSHALL
You work as a customs officer at
Embankment Pier?

Billy notices Inspector Abberline in the public gallery.

BILLY SNEDDON
That’s right.
MARSHALL
We have in court Inspector
Abberline. Is it true you helped
disrupt a people trafficking ring?
Billy is red faced that this should come out in open court.
BILLY SNEDDON
I told Abberline about Lord
Somerset who ships in illegal
immigrants to work in his brothels.
Carson stands.
MARSHALL
You were shot at for trying to help
the illegal immigrants to escape?
The court room is now in silence.
BILLY SNEDDON
I tried and failed.
The court room door opens and in walks Leading Seaman Riley.
Marshall stands immediately and beckons to Riley.
MARSHALL
My Lord I wish to call Leading
Seaman Riley as a witness. He can
shed light on the knife evidence.
Ashraf Singh turns to Carson. They are worried.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
HMS Polyphemus left at first light.
That man must have jumped ship.
MARSHALL
How remarkably well informed my
learned friend is at secret
military shipping movements.
Ashraf Singh is red faced.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
That’s my assumption. The fact is
he is absent without leave.
MARSHALL
His Captain may have given his
permission to testify.
Judge Peach is quick to get to his malevolent best.
JUDGE PEACH
Bailiff arrest that man for
desertion and take him to Newgate.
The bailiff approaches Riley who looks resigned to his fate.
MARSHALL
You must allow him to testify.
JUDGE PEACH
Must? This man is a fugitive.
MARSHALL
Riley’s evidence could determine
life and death. I say you must hear
him and damn you if you don’t.
JUDGE PEACH
How dare you be so offensive.
MARSHALL
If I am offensive, you may take it
that I am offended.
The court room is silent. Gill looks stunned
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
(indicating the press)
Justice demands he be heard or by
god the world will know why.

Judge Peach sees the reporters are writing about his actions.

JUDGE PEACH
I will allow evidence from Riley.

Singh and Carson are deflated at Marshall’s victory.

Marshall’s gamble paid off. Riley goes into the witness box.

LEADING SEAMAN RILEY
I swear by almighty God that the
evidence I shall give will be the
truth and nothing but the truth.
Marshall holds up the Bowie knife from the evidence box. He
indicates to the usher to show it to Riley.

MARSHALL
What is the inscription on the
handle of this Bowie knife please?

Riley inspects the handle of the knife.

LEADING SEAMAN RILEY
My surname is carved on the handle.

MARSHALL
You are certain it is your knife.

LEADING SEAMAN RILEY
Its mine alright.
Marshall holds the knife up so the Jury can focus on it.
MARSHALL
The Jury heard this knife was found
in Browns chest. Why was it there?
LEADING SEAMAN RILEY
Brown asked me for a knife because
he was getting a beating.
Singh and Carson have their heads in their hands.
MARSHALL
You thought giving having a knife
would protect him?
Riley is now shamefaced.
LEADING SEAMAN RILEY
Knives are just for show. Make the
other bloke back off.
MARSHALL
Young men dying for bravado.
Peach rises.
JUDGE PEACH
We are adjourned.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, Ashraf Singh interrogates Billy Sneddon about his role in Lieutenant Brown's murder. Sneddon admits to his anger but claims his wife's forgiveness prevented him from acting on it. The tension escalates when Marshall introduces Leading Seaman Riley, who confirms ownership of the Bowie knife found in Brown's chest, complicating the case further. Judge Peach, initially resistant, ultimately allows Riley to testify, leading to a heated exchange before adjourning the court.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Pivotal revelation
  • Tension and drama
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of subtlety in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging and impactful, with intense dialogue and a significant revelation by the main character. The conflict is palpable, and the stakes are raised, making it a crucial moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on a key moment in the trial where the truth is revealed, is executed with precision and impact. The use of testimony and confrontation adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with key revelations and character developments. The conflict between the defense and prosecution adds layers to the story, keeping the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of guilt, redemption, and justice, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the setting and context of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear in this scene. Billy Sneddon's admission and Marshall's bold move showcase their depth and complexity, adding to the overall tension.

Character Changes: 9

Billy Sneddon undergoes a significant change in this scene, admitting to his actions and revealing his inner turmoil. This moment marks a turning point for his character, adding depth and complexity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reveal the truth about his actions and motivations, while also grappling with guilt and trauma from his past military experiences. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to defend himself in court and prove his innocence in the murder case. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the legal system and the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with opposing viewpoints clashing and tensions running high. The confrontation between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and legal challenges that create uncertainty and tension for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters grapple with the truth and face the consequences of their actions. The outcome of the trial hangs in the balance, adding tension and urgency to the proceedings.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, with key revelations and developments shaping the narrative. The plot advances in a meaningful way, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's testimony, the introduction of new evidence, and the shifting dynamics between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, morality, and personal responsibility. The protagonist's actions are questioned, challenging his beliefs and values about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters face difficult truths and make tough decisions. The tension and drama create a powerful emotional impact, drawing the audience in.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and impactful, driving the scene forward and revealing key information. The confrontational exchanges between the characters heighten the drama and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals, confrontations, and resolutions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of a courtroom setting, with proper dialogue attribution, scene descriptions, and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the courtroom setting and the stakes involved in Billy Sneddon's testimony. The dialogue is sharp and reveals character motivations, particularly Billy's internal struggle between his violent past and his love for Sarah.
  • The use of Ashraf Singh's aggressive questioning contrasts well with Marshall's defense strategy, showcasing the adversarial nature of the courtroom. However, the pacing could be improved; some exchanges feel rushed, which may detract from the emotional weight of Billy's revelations.
  • Billy's character is well-developed through his dialogue, particularly when he discusses his military service and the psychological impact of his experiences. However, the scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions that reflect his emotional state, such as physical reactions or gestures that convey his inner turmoil.
  • The introduction of Leading Seaman Riley adds a layer of intrigue, but the transition to his entrance feels abrupt. A smoother lead-in or foreshadowing of his arrival could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The courtroom dynamics are engaging, but Judge Peach's character could be fleshed out further. His motivations and biases are hinted at, but a clearer depiction of his personality would add depth to the conflict. Additionally, his malevolence could be shown through more subtle actions or expressions rather than overt statements.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical actions or reactions from Billy Sneddon during his testimony to visually convey his emotional state and the weight of his words.
  • Enhance the pacing by allowing for pauses or reactions from the jury and other characters after significant statements, particularly when Billy admits to his anger and potential intent to kill.
  • Introduce Leading Seaman Riley with more buildup, perhaps through a brief mention or a visual cue earlier in the scene, to create anticipation for his testimony.
  • Develop Judge Peach's character further by incorporating more nuanced dialogue or actions that reveal his biases and motivations, making him a more compelling antagonist in the courtroom.
  • Consider using flashbacks or visual storytelling techniques to illustrate Billy's traumatic past, which could deepen the audience's understanding of his character and the stakes of his testimony.



Scene 43 -  A Night of Urgency and Rebellion
111 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - PUBLIC GALLEY. DAY 111
Abberline is approached by POLICE CONSTABLE DICKENS who has
clearly been running.
PC DICKENS
There’s been another one sir.
Teenage girl found at St.
Katherines Dock. Doc Piper wants
you at Blackfriars mortuary soon as
you can.
A look of reservation crosses Abberline's face as he leaves.

112 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CORMORANT BERTH - NIGHT 112
Marshall, Xing and Lilly are surveying the Cormorant as the
crew disembark along the gangplank.
MARSHALL
The crew and cargo manifests are
usually kept on the bridge.
Marshall, Xing and Lilly watch as Captain Dupont leads the
First Mate and EIGHT SAILORS towards the music coming from
Wiltons.
113 EXT/INT. CORMORANT BRIDGE - NIGHT 113
The First Mate shouts back to the SAILOR left onboard.
FIRST MATE
Try and stay sober Mathurin and no
whores. That's for the rest of us.
A big cheers goes up amongst the crew. MATHURIN looks
disgruntled but waves, nonetheless.
MATHURIN
Fuck the lot of you.
Mathurin steps inside the bridge. He looks inside a drawer
where he finds a bottle of gin. He pulls out the cork with
his teeth and takes a long satisfying glug of the contents.

114 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - NIGHT 114
Xing stays put as Marshall and Lilly discreetly follow the
crew of the Cormorant across to Wilton’s where they all hit
the bar.
LILLY FORTUNE
That’s them for the night.
MARSHALL
Time to go aboard.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In the Old Bailey courtroom, Police Constable Dickens urgently informs Abberline about the discovery of a teenage girl's body, prompting Abberline to leave with concern. Meanwhile, at the Embankment Pier, Marshall, Xing, and Lilly observe the crew of the Cormorant disembarking. The First Mate instructs sailor Mathurin to stay sober, but he defiantly drinks gin instead. As Marshall and Lilly decide to follow the crew to Wilton's bar, Xing opts to stay behind, highlighting the contrasting tensions between the police investigation and the crew's desire for a night out.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of a new mystery element
  • Maintains tension and intrigue
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a new mystery element while maintaining tension and intrigue. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot and engages the audience with its dark and suspenseful tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a new murder case and deepening the mystery surrounding it is well-executed. The scene effectively sets up future developments and maintains the overall tone and themes of the screenplay.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery element. It sets up conflicts and tensions that will likely play out in future scenes, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh murder mystery plotline and presents unique character dynamics within the crew of the Cormorant. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene introduces new characters and hints at their motivations and relationships, adding layers to the existing cast. The interactions between characters are intriguing and set the stage for potential character development.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new characters and the deepening of existing relationships hint at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Abberline's internal goal is to solve the mystery of the teenage girl's death and possibly catch the killer. This reflects his desire for justice and his fear of failing to protect the innocent.

External Goal: 7

Abberline's external goal is to investigate the new murder case and gather evidence. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his job as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces new conflicts and tensions, particularly surrounding the new murder case and the investigation. It sets up potential confrontations and challenges for the characters, increasing the overall conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mathurin's defiance creating tension and uncertainty in the crew dynamics.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the discovery of a new murder victim and the investigation surrounding it. The scene sets up high stakes for the characters involved, increasing tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery element and setting up future conflicts and developments. It adds depth to the overall narrative and engages the audience with its intriguing plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of Mathurin's rebellious actions and the unexpected turn of events with the crew at Wiltons.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the crew members of the Cormorant, with Mathurin's defiance and disregard for rules contrasting with the First Mate's authority and expectations. This challenges Abberline's beliefs in justice and order.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes feelings of anxiety, curiosity, and shock, particularly with the discovery of a new murder victim. It sets a dark and suspenseful tone, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, mystery, and intrigue. It sets up conflicts and hints at deeper motivations, adding depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing plot developments, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a mystery genre, with a setup of the crime, investigation, and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the courtroom to the Embankment Pier, maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. However, the abrupt shift in location could benefit from a more seamless connection between the two settings, perhaps by incorporating a line of dialogue or a visual cue that ties the two scenes together more cohesively.
  • The introduction of PC Dickens adds a layer of urgency to Abberline's character, but the emotional weight of the news about the teenage girl's body could be amplified. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a line that reveals Abberline's personal stakes in the case, which would deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • The dialogue among Marshall, Xing, and Lilly is functional but lacks a distinct voice for each character. To enhance character differentiation, consider incorporating unique speech patterns or mannerisms that reflect their personalities and backgrounds.
  • Mathurin's disgruntled reaction and subsequent drinking provide a glimpse into the crew's dynamics, but this moment could be expanded to show how his behavior might impact the unfolding events. Adding a line that hints at Mathurin's potential recklessness could foreshadow future complications.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the courtroom to the pier. Allowing for a brief moment of tension or anticipation before the characters move to the next location could enhance the overall flow and build suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Abberline that expresses his concern or frustration about the ongoing murders, which would provide insight into his character and the stakes involved.
  • Enhance the dialogue among Marshall, Xing, and Lilly by giving each character a distinct voice or perspective on the situation, which would help to establish their individual motivations and relationships.
  • Expand on Mathurin's character by including a brief moment that hints at his backstory or motivations, which could create a more compelling narrative thread and add depth to the crew's dynamics.
  • Incorporate a visual element that connects the two scenes, such as a shot of the Thames or the sounds of the city, to create a smoother transition and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or contemplation for Marshall before he decides to follow the crew, which would heighten the tension and emphasize the risks involved in their investigation.



Scene 44 -  Tension on the Cormorant
115 INT. CORMORANT BRIDGE - NIGHT 115
Mathurin has his feet on the map desk and is snoring loudly.
Marshall and Lilly slowly open the door of the bridge.
They look around the cabin and discreetly open draws
containing maps and charts. Nothing helpful.
Marshall points downwards and Lilly understands. She keeps
watch as Marshall descends the steps to below deck.

116 INT. CORMORANT - CAPTAINS CABIN - NIGHT 116
Light from the porthole guides Marshall as he enters the
cabin. On a shelf there are several ships logs.
Marshall takes a box of matches and lights a candle. He takes
the logs down and begins to scrutinise.
In one of the logs there are passenger lists for various
dates. The passenger names, age, place of birth, embarkation
and disembarkation points are all listed.
117 INT. CORMORANT BRIDGE - NIGHT 117
Lilly looks out towards Wiltons. Various Sailors are up to no
good but non heading this way when suddenly she is grabbed by
Mathurin. Lilly supresses a scream.
MATHURIN
What are you doing here.
Lilly calms Mathurin down with faux affection.
LILLY FORTUNE
I am your present from the Captain.

118 INT. CORMORANT - CAPTAINS CABIN - NIGHT 118
Marshall runs his finger along the list for “London
disembarkations” on November 5th, 1885.
He then looks at places of birth and ages. There are nine
names where birth place and embarkation was Paris.
Marshall checks the names which includes Veronique Dubois.
Problem is, she has a sibling, Henri Dubois.

119 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CORMORANT. NIGHT 119
Xing is watching the ship and the quayside when she spots the
First Mate staggering towards Cormorant.
XING FU
Oh shit.

120 INT. CORMORANT BRIDGE - NIGHT 120
Mathurin still has half of the gin in his bottle.
MATHURIN
Drink with me. I want you relaxed
before we do it.
Lilly takes the bottle, cleans the neck and takes a swing.

121 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - CORMORANT. NIGHT 121
Xing believes attack is the best form of defence and walks
directly at the First Mate. They collide.
FIRST MATE
Steady on. Oh, sorry.
Xing is steadfast.
XING FU
I think you owe me a drink.
The First Mate smiles his most lascivious smile.
FIRST MATE
My pleasure.
Xing and the First Mate walk towards Wiltons.

122 INT. CORMORANT - CAPTAINS CABIN - NIGHT 122
Marshall is turning back the pages to 1881. He slides his
finger down the list of passengers. He stops at the name of a
fourteen year old from Durban. Her name is Sarah Dlaminis.
Marshall puts the log inside his coat and leaves.

123 INT. CORMORANT BRIDGE - NIGHT 123
Lilly is in a non-consensual clinch with Mathurin when the
cabin door flies open. Marshall grabs the aggressor and bangs
his head up against the wall.
MARSHALL
What are you doing with my girl?
Lilly ducks down and exits the bridge.
Mathurin isn’t sure if it’s the drink or he dreamt Lilly.
MATHURIN
My ship mates, they...
Marshall hurries out of the door and down the gangplank.
Mathurin is once again alone. He picks up the near empty gin
bottle and scratches his head.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In a tense night scene aboard the Cormorant, Mathurin, intoxicated and confused, confronts Lilly, who skillfully feigns affection to defuse the situation. Meanwhile, Marshall uncovers crucial passenger logs in the captain's cabin, revealing connections to their investigation. As Mathurin's advances towards Lilly escalate, Marshall intervenes violently, leaving Mathurin bewildered and alone after Marshall rushes out to confront the chaos.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of investigating passenger lists
  • Engaging dialogue and character interactions
  • Effective advancement of the plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Subdued conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a new plot element, maintains tension, and advances the investigation. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the setting adds to the overall mystery and suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the passenger lists to uncover connections to the murders is compelling and adds depth to the investigation. It introduces a new layer of intrigue and keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene as new information is discovered, leading to further questions and developments in the investigation. It maintains the audience's interest and propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a compelling mystery and conflict, with unique character dynamics and a sense of urgency. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and interactions in the scene are consistent with their roles in the investigation. Marshall's resourcefulness and Lilly's quick thinking add depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on uncovering information and advancing the plot. However, the characters' actions reveal more about their resourcefulness and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover information about a specific passenger, Veronique Dubois, and her sibling, Henri Dubois. This reflects Marshall's desire to solve a mystery and potentially prevent a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information from the ship's logs to piece together a puzzle related to the passengers' identities and potential threats.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is tension and conflict in the scene, it is more subdued compared to other high-stakes moments in the screenplay. The conflict mainly arises from the characters' interactions and the discovery of new information.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by Mathurin and the First Mate, adds conflict and obstacles for the protagonists to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

While the stakes are not as high as in some other scenes, the discovery of new information and the potential implications for the investigation raise the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new clues and connections to the ongoing investigation. It sets the stage for further developments and adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the escalating tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between deception and truth evident in this scene. Lilly and Marshall must navigate the moral implications of their actions in order to achieve their goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and anticipation in the audience, as new revelations are made and the investigation deepens. While not highly emotional, it keeps the viewers engaged.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and serves the purpose of uncovering crucial information. It reflects the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and intriguing character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions between locations. It effectively builds tension and advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Marshall's investigative actions with Lilly's precarious situation with Mathurin. However, the pacing feels uneven; the transition between Marshall's calm search for information and Lilly's sudden confrontation could be smoother to maintain suspense.
  • Mathurin's character is introduced as a drunken sailor, but his motivations and personality could be fleshed out more. This would enhance the stakes of Lilly's interaction with him, making the scene more impactful.
  • The dialogue between Lilly and Mathurin lacks depth and could benefit from more subtext. Lilly's faux affection feels somewhat forced and could be more nuanced to reflect her true feelings and intentions.
  • Marshall's discovery of the passenger logs is a crucial plot point, but the scene could better convey the significance of the names he finds. Adding internal monologue or visual cues could help the audience grasp the weight of this discovery.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Mathurin left confused. While this adds to the chaos, it might be more effective to provide a clearer emotional or narrative resolution for him, even if it's just a moment of realization or regret.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal conflict for Lilly as she interacts with Mathurin, which could heighten the tension and make her actions feel more desperate.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Lilly and Mathurin to include more layered exchanges that hint at both characters' motivations, making the interaction feel more dynamic.
  • Incorporate visual elements that emphasize the stakes of Marshall's discovery, such as close-ups of the logs or a reaction shot that shows his realization of the implications.
  • Smooth out the transitions between Marshall's investigation and Lilly's confrontation to maintain a consistent tone and pacing throughout the scene.
  • Provide a moment of reflection for Mathurin after the confrontation, perhaps showing his confusion or regret, to add depth to his character and the scene's emotional impact.



Scene 45 -  Echoes of the Past
124 EXT. OLD BAILEY. DAY 124
Newspaper boys peddle their wares with the mortuary
photograph of Veronique on the front page.
NEWSPAPER BOY
Police name murder victim.

125 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - DAY 125
Sarah Sneddon is in the witness box. She hands the bible she
has sworn on back to the Usher.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
Mrs Sneddon, you do not deny
stabbing Brown and yet you plead
not guilty. What is your defence?
Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
My client acted in self-defence and
through the vilest provocation.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
The level of self-defence allowable
must be proportionate to the harm
inflicted. Can she justify stabbing
Brown for his offensive language?
Sarah looks at Billy and then at Marshall. Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
Sarah will tell her story in her
own way. It begins when she came to
England. Be patient and you will
see the connection to this case.
Marshall nods and Sarah begins.
SARAH SNEDDON
My birthname is Sarah Dlaminis. I
was brought up in Durban.

126 EXT. DURBAN DOCKS - DAY 126
Ships are in the busy port area where traders sell good to
sailors and locals.
SARAH SNEDDON (OS)
My parents were killed in the war.
Sailors are loading supplies onto The Cormorant.
The FIRST MATE is looking around the docks for any strays.
SARAH SNEDDON (OS) (CONT'D)
At fourteen I was stolen and
brought to England.

Sarah sits alone. She is approached by the First Mate.

FIRST MATE
You look hungry. Come with me.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, Sarah Sneddon testifies about the stabbing of Brown, claiming self-defense amidst the scrutiny of prosecutor Ashraf Singh QC. Her lawyer, Marshall, prepares the ground for her story, which reveals her traumatic upbringing in Durban, where she lost her parents and was later brought to England. The scene transitions to the Durban docks, where Sarah reflects on her vulnerability as a young girl approached by a First Mate offering help, setting the stage for her complex past that intertwines with her current legal troubles.
Strengths
  • Effective character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in transitioning between past and present

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, providing crucial background information on Sarah while setting up the courtroom drama. It effectively builds tension and emotion, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining Sarah's backstory with her courtroom testimony adds depth to her character and enriches the overall plot. It enhances the audience's understanding of her motivations and actions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as Sarah's testimony sheds light on the events leading to the trial. It introduces new conflicts and raises questions about the characters' past actions and decisions.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its blend of courtroom drama, personal history, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Sarah, are well-developed in this scene. Their motivations, struggles, and relationships are portrayed effectively, adding layers to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah undergoes significant emotional growth and reveals a different side of her character through her testimony. This scene marks a pivotal moment in her development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to tell her story in her own way and justify her actions through self-defense and past experiences. This reflects her need for agency, validation, and understanding in the face of legal scrutiny and personal trauma.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend herself in court against the murder charges and prove her innocence. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the legal system and convincing the jury of her version of events.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Sarah's past and her current trial, as well as the tension in the courtroom, adds depth to the scene. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the prosecutor challenging the protagonist's defense, the moral implications of her actions, and the jury's perception of her guilt or innocence. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the trial.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the trial, Sarah's testimony, and the revelations about her past increase the tension and drama in the scene. The outcome of the trial has significant consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about Sarah and setting up the next phase of the trial. It introduces new conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the revelation of the protagonist's backstory, and the moral ambiguity of the self-defense argument. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the trial will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of self-defense and the justification of violence in response to provocation. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality, justice, and personal responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The emotional impact of Sarah's testimony and the revelations about her past resonate with the audience. It evokes empathy and understanding for her character.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves to reveal important information about the characters and their past. It enhances the emotional impact of the scene and drives the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of personal storytelling, legal drama, and moral complexity. The characters' motivations, conflicts, and relationships draw the audience in and create a sense of suspense and emotional investment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative flow contribute to the scene's emotional impact and thematic resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a courtroom drama, with clear character introductions, conflict escalation, and thematic development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The transition from the courtroom to Sarah's backstory is effective, but the shift could be smoother. The abrupt cut to the Durban docks may disorient the audience. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that links the two settings more cohesively.
  • The dialogue in the courtroom is functional but lacks emotional depth. While Marshall's defense is clear, it could benefit from more passionate language or rhetorical questions that engage the jury and the audience emotionally.
  • Sarah's introduction of her backstory is compelling, but it feels somewhat detached from the immediate tension of the courtroom. The audience may need a stronger emotional hook to connect with her plight. Consider incorporating more visceral details about her feelings during her transition from Durban to England.
  • The character of Ashraf Singh comes off as somewhat one-dimensional in this scene. While he serves as the antagonist, adding layers to his character—perhaps through a moment of doubt or a personal stake in the case—could enhance the conflict.
  • The visual elements in the courtroom could be more vividly described. For instance, detailing the expressions of the jury or the atmosphere in the room could heighten the tension and stakes of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The courtroom dialogue is brisk, but Sarah's backstory slows the momentum. Balancing the pacing between the two settings will help maintain audience engagement.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a visual or auditory element that bridges the courtroom and the Durban docks, such as a sound cue or a visual motif that symbolizes Sarah's journey.
  • Enhance Marshall's dialogue with more emotional weight, perhaps by including a personal anecdote or a passionate plea that underscores the injustice faced by Sarah.
  • Incorporate more sensory details into Sarah's recollection of her past to evoke empathy from the audience, such as the sights, sounds, and feelings she experienced during her transition.
  • Develop Ashraf Singh's character by giving him a moment of vulnerability or a personal connection to the case, which could create a more complex antagonist.
  • Add descriptive details about the courtroom environment, including the reactions of the jury and the tension in the air, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing by interspersing Sarah's backstory with reactions from the courtroom, allowing the audience to feel the weight of her past while maintaining the tension of the present.



Scene 46 -  A New Beginning
127 EXT. THE CORMORANT - ATLANTIC OCEAN - UPPER DECK - DAY 127

The sun shines onto the deck of the Cormorant as it is
scrubbed by TWENTY TEENAGERS including Sarah.
SARAH SNEDDON
The voyage took many weeks.
The First mate walks the deck. He kicks many of the boys or
girls if he doesn't think they are working hard enough.
FIRST MATE
Put your back into it.
Captain Dupont stands on the quarter deck. He points to one
of the teenage girls. The first mate nods.
The first mate grabs a GIRL and takes her to Dupont.
FIRST MATE (CONT'D)
The Captain wants you.

128 EXT. THE CORMORANT, NORTH SEA - UPPER DECK - DAY 128

The teenagers are huddled together for warmth.

As the mists lift, the sight of the white cliffs of Dover
sends the Cormorant crew into a bout of cheering.

CAPTAIN DUPONT
You Englishmen are home.


129 EXT. THE CORMORANT - RIVER THAMES - UPPER DECK - NIGHT 129

Sarah looks scared as the sun goes down over the buildings of
London and the crew start to prepare them for disembarkation.

SARAH SNEDDON
I was a long way from home and all
alone in the world.

As Sarah looks up, she sees several carriages on the
quayside.
Bright lamps shine from a pair of two-horse carriages. They
bear the livery and crest of Lord Somerset.

SARAH SNEDDON (CONT'D)
I didn’t know it then, but my new
owner was looking down on me.

Lord Somerset looks down at Sarah and points.

LORD SOMERSET
You will come with me.

Sarah points to herself and Somerset nods.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary On the upper deck of the Cormorant, twenty teenagers, including Sarah, scrub the deck under the strict supervision of the First Mate and Captain Dupont. As the ship nears the white cliffs of Dover, the crew celebrates their return to England. However, as night falls on the River Thames, Sarah feels a deep sense of fear and loneliness, realizing she is far from home. Lord Somerset, observing from his carriage, points at her, commanding her to come with him, marking the start of her uncertain future under his ownership.
Strengths
  • Compelling character development
  • Intriguing backstory exploration
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of immediate action or conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines historical elements with a sense of mystery and tension, creating a compelling narrative that engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Sarah's backstory and the challenges she faced during her voyage home is intriguing and adds depth to her character.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, focusing on Sarah's past and setting up potential conflicts and mysteries that will unfold in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by a young girl in a historical setting, with authentic dialogue and actions that reflect the time period and societal norms.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Sarah's character is well-developed, showcasing her vulnerability and resilience, while the introduction of key supporting characters adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a subtle transformation as she reflects on her past and prepares to face new challenges in London.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and security in a foreign and unfamiliar environment. She is seeking a connection to her new surroundings and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to navigate the challenges of being a young girl in a new country and under the control of a new owner. She must adapt to her new circumstances and find a way to survive and thrive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces subtle conflicts and tensions, setting the stage for future developments in the story.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge for the protagonist, driving the story forward and keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised as Sarah navigates a new environment and faces unknown challenges, adding tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene provides essential background information while setting up future plot developments, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in Sarah's journey, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Sarah's sense of freedom and autonomy and the reality of her situation as a young girl in a patriarchal society. This challenges her beliefs about agency and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes feelings of fear, loneliness, and resilience, drawing the audience into Sarah's emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding depth to the scene and setting up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a compelling protagonist, sets up conflicts and challenges, and creates a sense of mystery and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, moving the story forward while allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, effectively building tension and setting up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of foreboding and vulnerability for Sarah, highlighting her precarious situation as a teenager forced into servitude. However, the transition from the deck scrubbing to the emotional weight of her isolation could be more fluid. The shift in tone from the cheerful crew to Sarah's fear feels abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up.
  • The dialogue is sparse, which can work well in conveying the oppressive atmosphere, but it may also leave the audience wanting more insight into Sarah's internal struggle. Adding a few more lines of internal monologue or dialogue with other teenagers could deepen the emotional impact and provide context for her feelings of fear and loneliness.
  • The character of Lord Somerset is introduced in a way that suggests his authority and predatory nature, but his motivations and background are not explored in this scene. Providing a brief glimpse into his character or intentions could enhance the tension and make his actions more impactful.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the contrast between the jubilant crew and Sarah's isolation. However, the description of the setting could be more vivid. For instance, incorporating sensory details about the ship, the ocean, and the atmosphere could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial part with the teenagers scrubbing the deck is quick and action-oriented, while the latter part slows down significantly with Sarah's introspection. Balancing the pacing throughout the scene could maintain engagement and build suspense effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal dialogue for Sarah to express her fears and thoughts about her situation, which would help the audience connect with her emotionally.
  • Introduce a brief interaction between Sarah and another teenager to showcase camaraderie or shared fear, which could enhance the sense of isolation when she is later singled out by Lord Somerset.
  • Expand on Lord Somerset's character by including a line or two that hints at his intentions or past, making him a more complex antagonist.
  • Enhance the sensory descriptions of the setting, such as the sounds of the ocean, the smell of salt in the air, or the feel of the deck underfoot, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Adjust the pacing by interspersing moments of action with Sarah's introspection, allowing for a smoother transition between the crew's excitement and her fear.



Scene 47 -  A Chosen Path
130 EXT. THE CORMORANT - GANGPLANK - NIGHT 130
From Sarah's POV we make it to dry land.

131 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - NIGHT 131
LORD SOMERSET
Doctor Scythee, prepare to inspect
the livestock.
DOCTOR SCYTHEE
Yes, my Lord.
Doctor Giles Scythee takes his medical bag from the carriage.
LORD SOMERSET
(points to Sarah)
Not that one. I don't want your
filthy hands on her.
Doctor Scythee inspects the teenagers in his usual way.
Coachman Judas Fox, walks over to the group of disembarked
teenagers. He points to the immigration hut. They follow him.
SARAH SNEDDON (O.S)
They had no papers to identify us,
so they bribed the customs man.

132 EXT. EMBANKMENT PIER - IMMIGRATION HUT - NIGHT 132
A uniformed CUSTOMS OFFICER is drinking rum from a bottle.
CUSTOMS OFFICER
How many this time?
Fox hands him a number of documents to the Customs Man.
SARAH SNEDDON (O.S.)
Lord Somerset picked me to go with
him in his carriage and for self
preservation I went with a smile.

133 INT. SOMERSET’S CARRIAGE - NIGHT 133
Somerset admires his new possession as the carriage clatters
along Fitzroy Square.
LORD SOMERSET
You will be my special girl. You
won’t do any work for now.
Somerset reaches out and pats Sarah’s leg.
SARAH SNEDDON (O.S.)
I didn’t know what he meant but it
didn’t take long to find out.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Mystery"]

Summary As Sarah arrives on dry land after disembarking from a ship, she is selected by Lord Somerset to accompany him in his carriage, while Doctor Scythee is instructed to inspect the livestock but forbidden from touching her. The scene unfolds with a corrupt customs officer accepting bribes from Coachman Judas Fox, who leads a group of teenagers. Sarah reflects on her uneasy situation, realizing the implications of her new role and the power imbalance at play. The tense atmosphere is heightened by Lord Somerset's possessive declaration that she will be his 'special girl,' leaving Sarah's fate uncertain as she grapples with her lack of understanding of Somerset's true intentions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a dark and intense tone, conveying Sarah's fear and loneliness as she is forced into a new and uncertain situation. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of suspense and foreboding, engaging the audience emotionally.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on Sarah's abduction and the beginning of her servitude under Lord Somerset, is compelling and adds depth to the overall story. It introduces important themes of exploitation and control.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the narrative, revealing the dark reality of Sarah's situation and setting the stage for future conflicts and developments. It adds layers to the characters and their motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the oppressive environment, power dynamics, and the protagonist's struggle for agency. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the setting and characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Sarah and Lord Somerset, are well-defined and their interactions reveal key aspects of their personalities and motivations. The scene sets up potential character arcs and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from freedom to captivity under Lord Somerset's control. This change sets the stage for her character arc and future decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely to navigate the power dynamics and oppressive environment she finds herself in. She may be seeking a way to assert her agency and resist the control imposed on her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and adapt to the circumstances she is thrust into, including dealing with the expectations and demands of Lord Somerset.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with Sarah's internal struggle and the power dynamics between her and Lord Somerset creating tension and suspense. The scene hints at future conflicts and challenges.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with power dynamics and control exerted over the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain of how the protagonist will navigate the oppressive environment.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Sarah's fate is sealed by her abduction and forced servitude under Lord Somerset. The power dynamics and conflicts set the stage for significant consequences and decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key development in Sarah's journey and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It adds depth to the plot and characters, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the power dynamics and the uncertain outcome of the protagonist's actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and agency. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the oppressive environment she is in, highlighting the struggle for autonomy and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, loneliness, and resignation in the audience as they witness Sarah's plight. The emotional depth adds layers to the characters and the narrative.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the power dynamics and emotions at play, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. It sets the tone for future interactions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its rich atmosphere, tense interactions, and the protagonist's struggle for agency. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the atmosphere and mood of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the power dynamics between Lord Somerset, Doctor Scythee, and Sarah Sneddon, highlighting the exploitation inherent in their relationships. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included more subtext, allowing the audience to infer the darker implications of Somerset's intentions without explicitly stating them.
  • The use of Sarah's voiceover (O.S.) is a strong narrative choice, providing insight into her thoughts and feelings. However, it could be enhanced by integrating her internal monologue more seamlessly with the visual action, rather than relying solely on exposition. This would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The transition from the gangplank to the immigration hut feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and build tension as Sarah moves from one environment to another. Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or reflection from Sarah as she steps onto dry land, emphasizing her emotional state.
  • The characterization of the customs officer as a drunken figure is effective in illustrating the corruption within the system. However, this character could be given a more distinct personality or a memorable line to make him more than just a plot device. This would add depth to the scene and enhance the world-building.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the dialogue could benefit from more varied rhythms. Some lines feel too straightforward and could be rephrased to create a more natural flow of conversation, reflecting the tension and urgency of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Sarah hesitates before following Lord Somerset, showcasing her internal conflict and fear. This would deepen her character and make her eventual compliance more poignant.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. Describing the sounds, smells, and sights of the Embankment Pier at night could create a more vivid setting and immerse the audience in Sarah's experience.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing characters to imply their intentions rather than stating them outright. This would create a more engaging and layered interaction between Somerset and Sarah.
  • Introduce a brief interaction between Sarah and another teenager to highlight her isolation and fear, making her situation more relatable and emphasizing the stakes involved.
  • Consider using visual motifs or symbols to represent Sarah's loss of agency, such as the contrast between the lively atmosphere of the pier and her somber internal state, reinforcing the theme of exploitation.



Scene 48 -  Descent into Despair
134 EXT. FLEUR DE LIS, CLEVELAND STREET - NIGHT 134
A DOORMAN opens the carriage door and Lord Somerset jumps
down. He holds out his hand for Sarah who follows.
Sarah stands in awe of the beautifully lit, Regency building.
SARAH SNEDDON
Only the Governor’s mansion in
Durban looked like Fleur de Lis.

135 INT. FLEUR DE LIS, CLEVELAND STREET - NIGHT 135
We track past finely dressed gentlemen seated on leather
settees and playing cards around mahogany tables.
Somerset doesn't bother to stop to speak to the numerous
sycophants. He is in a hurry to get upstairs.
SARAH SNEDDON (O.S.)
There was an urgency I had never
encountered before.

136 INT. FLEUR DE LIS, CLEVELAND STREET - BEDROOM. NIGHT 136

Somerset’s room has a fire and lamps lit. He locks the door.
He stands in front of Sarah with lust in his eyes.

137 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM. DAY 137
SARAH SNEDDON
I cannot shame my husband any
further. I was fourteen and until
that night I was a virgin.
There are tears in the eyes of some in the Jury box , public
gallery and reporters benches.
Billy, head held high as he mouths “I love you” to Sarah.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
That is a disturbing account but
how is that connected to this case.
Sarah looks at Ashraf Singh with renewed spirit.
SARAH SNEDDON
Somerset soon tired of me and took
another young girl. He had me
working on my back seven days a
week doing things you would not
speak of in polite company.

138 INT. FLEUR DE LIS, CLEVELAND STREET - BEDROOM - NIGHT 138
Sarah is being used by Lieutenant Brown whilst Andrews waits.
LIEUTENANT BROWN
Your turn next Freddie.
We can see Sarah has grown up and is in despair.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In a luxurious setting at the Fleur de Lis, Lord Somerset's predatory interest in Sarah Sneddon contrasts sharply with her emotional turmoil as she recounts her painful past in a courtroom. Her testimony reveals the exploitation she faced, evoking sympathy from the jury, while her current despair is highlighted by her objectification by Lieutenant Brown. The scene captures the stark contrast between opulence and the grim reality of Sarah's experiences, culminating in a somber reflection on her loss of innocence and agency.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Disturbing content may be triggering for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, shedding light on Sarah's past in a compelling way. The dialogue is impactful, and the conflict is intense, driving the narrative forward and adding layers to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Sarah's dark past adds depth and complexity to the character, enriching the overall narrative. It provides insight into her motivations and actions, making her a more compelling and multidimensional character.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly through the revelation of Sarah's past, adding layers of complexity to the story and deepening the conflict. It sets the stage for future developments and character arcs, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on historical abuse and societal norms, presenting a nuanced portrayal of trauma and resilience. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Sarah, are well-developed in this scene, with their motivations and emotions clearly portrayed. Sarah's transformation from a vulnerable young girl to a survivor adds depth to her character and enhances the audience's connection to her.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah undergoes a significant character change in this scene, transitioning from a vulnerable young girl to a survivor who confronts her past. This transformation adds depth to her character and sets the stage for future growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past trauma and find the strength to speak out against her abuser. This reflects her deeper need for justice, healing, and reclaiming her agency.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to testify in court and seek justice for the abuse she endured. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in confronting her abuser and seeking legal retribution.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, as Sarah confronts her traumatic past and the audience is drawn into her harrowing experiences. The tension between characters adds depth to the narrative and drives the emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah facing societal norms, legal challenges, and personal trauma that create obstacles to her pursuit of justice. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Sarah's traumatic past is revealed, impacting her relationships and the outcome of the trial. The emotional weight of the revelations adds tension and urgency to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about Sarah's past and deepening the conflict. It sets the stage for future developments and character arcs, driving the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations and emotional twists that challenge the audience's expectations and assumptions. The characters' actions and choices keep the audience on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between societal norms and the reality of abuse and exploitation. Sarah's testimony challenges the values of politeness and decorum, highlighting the hypocrisy and injustice within the society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, anger, and empathy from the audience. Sarah's heartbreaking story resonates with viewers, creating a powerful and memorable moment in the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil of the characters. It reveals crucial information about Sarah's past and adds layers to the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral complexity, and thematic relevance. The characters' struggles and conflicts draw the audience in, creating a sense of urgency and empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension, emotion, and reflection to create a dynamic and engaging narrative rhythm. The scene's structure and dialogue contribute to its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual and auditory elements are effectively conveyed, enhancing the reader's immersion in the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and characters while maintaining a strong narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm enhance the dramatic tension and emotional impact of the events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Sarah's awe of the Fleur de Lis with the grim reality of her situation, creating a powerful contrast that highlights her vulnerability. However, the transition between the opulence of the setting and the subsequent exploitation could be more fluid to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue in the courtroom is poignant, particularly Sarah's declaration about her past and her feelings of shame. However, the transition from the courtroom back to the bedroom could benefit from a clearer visual or thematic link to maintain narrative cohesion.
  • The use of voiceover for Sarah's thoughts adds depth to her character, but it may feel disjointed when switching between the past and present. A more seamless integration of her memories with the current courtroom proceedings could strengthen the emotional resonance.
  • The depiction of Lieutenant Brown and Andrews in the bedroom scene is stark and effective, but it risks becoming gratuitous without further context. Providing more insight into their characters or motivations could enhance the tension and make their actions feel more justified within the narrative.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly with the rapid shifts between the luxurious setting and the courtroom. A more gradual build-up to the courtroom revelations could heighten the tension and allow the audience to fully absorb the gravity of Sarah's experiences.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual motif that connects the opulence of the Fleur de Lis with the darker elements of Sarah's story, such as recurring imagery of light and shadow to symbolize her dual experiences.
  • Enhance the transitions between the different settings by using sound design or visual cues, such as overlapping dialogue or ambient noise, to create a more cohesive flow between Sarah's memories and her current testimony.
  • Explore the motivations of Lieutenant Brown and Andrews further to avoid them feeling like one-dimensional antagonists. This could involve brief moments of dialogue that hint at their backgrounds or justifications for their actions.
  • To improve pacing, consider extending the moments of silence or reflection after key lines of dialogue, allowing the audience to process the emotional weight of Sarah's testimony before moving on to the next scene.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the jury and other courtroom attendees during Sarah's testimony to visually convey the impact of her words, enhancing the emotional stakes of the scene.



Scene 49 -  A Fight for Justice
139 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - PRESS BENCHES. DAY 139
Lilly Fortune shows empathy and mouths “well done” to Sarah
who holds her head high.
XING FU
Walking a mile in her steps...
An illustration by Xing captures the tragedy in Sarah’s eyes.
LILLY FORTUNE
We have to tell this story.

140 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM. DAY 140
SARAH SNEDDON
Those two did unnatural things to
me against my will. I was raped
repeatedly but nobody would listen.
Carson stands.
EDWARD CARSON
My Lord the two officers are not
here to defend themselves. Everyone
knows, in English law you cannot
rape a whore or your wife.
The courtroom erupts into chatter but not astonishment.
JUDGE PEACH
That is quite right Mr. Carson.
Ashraf Singh is scrutinising the Jury. They look moved by
Sarah’s testimony. He thinks better of continuing.
ASHRAF SINGH QC
How do we know this account is
true? Isn’t it possible she has
made up the story for sympathy?
Marshall stands quickly. He holds up the Cormorants logbook.
MARSHALL
I have here the passenger manifest
for The Cormorant. It shows that
Sarah Dlaminis, aged fourteen was
trafficked across the Atlantic.
The press are taking great interest.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
She arrived in London and was taken
to Fleur de Lis, also owned by Lord
Somerset. Somerset was her first
lover and later became her pimp.

The Jury are hanging on Marshalls every word.

EDWARD CARSON
How is this relevant my Lord?

MARSHALL
Somerset allowed his military
friends Lieutenants Andrew and
Brown to rape Sarah at his club.

Carson stands.

EDWARD CARSON
Whatever they did to her it wasn’t
rape in the legal sense.

ASHRAF SINGH QC
What he means is there is implied
consent if she is selling herself.
MARSHALL
She wasn’t selling herself. She was
being sold.

EDWARD CARSON
Semantics my Lord.

MARSHALL
We heard evidence from Jimmy Cross
that both officers were bragging
about what they did to Sarah at
Fleur de Lis.

Judge Peach makes a note on his pad.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
At Wilton’s, Sarah was forced to
relive the attack they perpetrated
which saw her raped and sodomised.

Sarah is suppressing a howl of pain.

EDWARD CARSON
None of which is illegal my Lord.

MARSHALL
Much to our national shame. I have
no more questions of this witness.

Billy Sneddon catches Marshall’s eye. He points downstairs
towards the cells and then at Abberline.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Historical"]

Summary In the Old Bailey courtroom, Sarah Sneddon bravely shares her harrowing experience of being raped, highlighting the lack of support she received. Defense attorney Edward Carson argues that consent is implied for sex workers, while Marshall counters with evidence showing Sarah was trafficked and forced into prostitution. The tension escalates as Marshall reveals the officers' bragging about their actions, challenging Carson's dismissal of Sarah's testimony. The scene underscores the struggle for justice and societal attitudes towards victims of sexual violence, culminating in a charged atmosphere as the courtroom grapples with the implications of Sarah's powerful testimony.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • Informative dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for legal jargon to confuse some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and informative, shedding light on the character's backstory and the societal issues of the time. It effectively conveys the struggles and injustices faced by Sarah Sneddon, engaging the audience and setting the stage for further developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Sarah Sneddon's past and the legal challenges she faces is compelling and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the character and the overall narrative, highlighting important social issues of the time period.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in revealing key information about Sarah Sneddon's past and setting the stage for further developments in the trial. It adds layers to the narrative and deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by exploring themes of rape, trafficking, and consent in a historical context. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene, especially Sarah Sneddon, are well-developed and portrayed with depth and emotion. Their interactions and testimonies reveal their inner struggles and motivations, engaging the audience and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Sarah Sneddon undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, revealing her traumatic past and the challenges she faces. The scene deepens the audience's understanding of her character and sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice for the protagonist, Sarah, who has been a victim of rape and trafficking. This reflects the protagonist's deeper desire for truth, validation, and closure.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to present evidence and testimonies to prove the crimes committed against Sarah and seek legal justice for her. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing the court and the jury of Sarah's story.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Sarah Sneddon grapples with her traumatic past and the legal challenges she faces. The societal conflict and injustice add layers to the narrative, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, legal arguments, and moral dilemmas that create obstacles for the protagonist and keep the audience engaged in the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Sarah Sneddon's testimony could impact the outcome of the trial and her own fate. The societal issues of exploitation and abuse add weight to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Sarah Sneddon's past and the societal issues at play. It sets the stage for further developments in the trial and deepens the audience's engagement with the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations of legal proceedings, moral judgments, and character motivations, keeping them on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the legal definitions of rape and consent, and the moral implications of the crimes committed against Sarah. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice, morality, and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking sympathy, empathy, and a sense of injustice from the audience. The portrayal of Sarah Sneddon's past and the societal issues at play elicit strong emotions and engage the audience on a deep level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, emotional, and informative. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the societal issues at play, adding depth to the narrative and engaging the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes legal drama with emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and intense conflicts that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue exchanges with narrative descriptions, building tension and suspense, and maintaining a sense of urgency and emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a courtroom drama, with clear dialogue exchanges, narrative descriptions of the setting, and character actions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the gravity of Sarah's testimony and the societal attitudes towards victims of sexual violence. However, the dialogue could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the emotional impact on Sarah, rather than solely focusing on the legal arguments.
  • The courtroom dynamics are well-established, with the contrasting positions of Marshall and Carson. However, the dialogue from Carson feels somewhat one-dimensional, relying on legal jargon without offering deeper insight into his character. Adding layers to his motivations could enhance the tension.
  • The use of the Cormorant's logbook as evidence is a strong plot device that underscores Sarah's victimization. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of reflection from Sarah or Marshall after this revelation, emphasizing the weight of the evidence and its implications for Sarah's case.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but there are moments where the dialogue could be tightened to increase the emotional intensity. For example, Marshall's final statement could be delivered with more urgency to heighten the stakes as he concludes his questioning.
  • While the scene captures the courtroom's chaotic atmosphere, the emotional resonance could be deepened by showing more of the jury's reactions to Sarah's testimony. Their expressions could serve as a barometer for the audience's emotional engagement and the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Sarah pauses to collect her thoughts before delivering her statement, which could emphasize her emotional struggle and the weight of her words.
  • Enhance Carson's character by including a line that reveals his own biases or personal stake in the case, adding complexity to his motivations and making him a more formidable opponent.
  • After Marshall presents the logbook, include a brief, poignant reaction from Sarah that reflects her pain and disbelief at the evidence being presented, reinforcing her humanity amidst the legal proceedings.
  • Revise Marshall's concluding statement to include a rhetorical question or a powerful call to action that resonates with the jury, enhancing the emotional impact of his argument.
  • Incorporate brief visual cues or reactions from the jury during Sarah's testimony to provide a stronger sense of the courtroom's emotional landscape, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with the stakes of the trial.



Scene 50 -  Clues in the Cell
141 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - CELLS. NIGHT 141

Marshall and Abberline enter the cell.

BILLY SNEDDON
I saw this photograph in the paper.
What happened to Sarah happened to
this French girl that was aboard
the Cormorant? She was called
Veronica or something

An ironic smile slowly cracks across Abberline’s face.

INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
How can you be so sure?

BILLY SNEDDON
I tried to have her sent back to
France. That's what the row with
Somerset's bloke Fox was about.

Marshall has the Cormorants manifest. He scrolls through the
names on the list but only two have a surname in common.
MARSHALL
Was she with a boy?

BILLY SNEDDON
Yes, her brother.

Abberline and Cunningham get up to leave.

MARSHALL
It says his name was or is Henri.

SERGEANT CUNNINGHAM
We will check the brothels,
hospitals and morgue for Henri.
INSPECTOR ABBERLINE
I have written to the Judge telling
of Billy's cooperation. I hope it
helps. Good luck.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit jail cell at Newgate Jail, Marshall and Inspector Abberline interrogate Billy Sneddon, who reveals a connection between the case of Sarah and a French girl named Veronica aboard the Cormorant. Sneddon recounts his attempt to send Veronica back to France, which led to a confrontation with a man named Fox. As Marshall checks the Cormorant's manifest, he discovers Veronica's brother, Henri, is missing. Abberline and Sergeant Cunningham plan to search for Henri in various locations, while Abberline acknowledges Sneddon's cooperation and wishes him luck before they leave.
Strengths
  • Collaboration between characters
  • Revelation of new leads
  • Building suspense and tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a focus on collaboration and revelation of crucial information. It effectively builds suspense and sets the stage for further investigation, earning a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of collaboration and revelation in the investigation is well-executed, adding depth to the storyline and setting the stage for further developments. The introduction of Henri as a new lead adds intrigue to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot in this scene is focused on uncovering new leads and collaborating to solve the case, advancing the overall storyline. It sets the stage for further developments and adds complexity to the investigation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique mystery involving international characters and seedy locations, adding freshness to the detective genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Marshall, Abberline, and Billy, play crucial roles in advancing the investigation and revealing key information. Their interactions and collaboration drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the collaboration between Marshall, Abberline, and Billy hints at potential growth and development as they work together to solve the case.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to solve the mystery of what happened to Sarah and Veronica, reflecting his desire for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find Henri, Veronica's brother, in order to unravel the case further.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with uncovering the truth and solving the case. The tension and urgency drive the narrative forward, adding depth to the storyline.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the mystery surrounding Veronica and Henri, adds complexity and intrigue to the investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters work to uncover the truth behind the murders and trafficking, potentially bringing justice to the victims and holding the perpetrators accountable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new leads, deepening the investigation, and setting the stage for further developments. It adds complexity to the narrative and maintains the audience's interest.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between seeking justice and the darker aspects of society, such as brothels and morgues. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the inherent goodness of people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, particularly in the revelations about Sarah's past and the collaboration between characters to uncover the truth. The sense of urgency and suspense evoke a range of emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is tense and focused on uncovering the truth behind the murders and trafficking. It effectively conveys the urgency and importance of the investigation, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mysterious atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the unfolding of a complex case.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a focus on investigation and clues.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by revealing critical information about the connection between Sarah and Veronica, which heightens the stakes for the characters involved. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository and lacks emotional depth. The characters' motivations and feelings could be more vividly expressed to enhance the audience's connection to their plight.
  • Billy Sneddon's dialogue is straightforward but lacks a sense of urgency or emotional weight. Given the gravity of the situation, his lines could be infused with more desperation or fear, reflecting the dire circumstances surrounding Sarah and the implications of the information he provides.
  • Inspector Abberline's ironic smile feels out of place in a scene that deals with serious themes of exploitation and trauma. This moment could undermine the gravity of the situation and may confuse the audience regarding his character's emotional state. A more somber or contemplative reaction would align better with the scene's tone.
  • The scene transitions quickly from the revelation about Veronica to the next steps without fully exploring the emotional impact of this information on Marshall and Sneddon. Taking a moment for characters to react to the implications of what they’ve learned could enhance the dramatic weight of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Sneddon could benefit from more subtext. Instead of directly stating facts, they could engage in a more layered conversation that hints at their fears and hopes, allowing the audience to infer the stakes without being explicitly told.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Billy's dialogue. Perhaps he could express his guilt or fear about Sarah's situation, making his character more relatable and sympathetic.
  • Revise Inspector Abberline's reaction to be more serious or contemplative, reflecting the gravity of the situation rather than using irony. This will help maintain the scene's tone and keep the audience engaged with the characters' struggles.
  • Incorporate pauses or reactions after significant revelations to allow the weight of the information to settle in. This could involve close-ups on the characters' faces to capture their emotional responses.
  • Enhance the dialogue with subtext, allowing characters to imply their fears and motivations rather than stating them outright. This will create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Consider adding a visual element that emphasizes the tension in the scene, such as the dim lighting of the jail cell or the sounds of the jail at night, to create a more immersive atmosphere.



Scene 51 -  The Sneddon Proposition
142 EXT. DAILY SKETCH NEWSPAPER - FLEET STREET - NIGHT 142
The hustle and bustle of Fleet Street, the epicentre of the
newspaper world.

143 INT. DAILY SKETCH NEWSROOM - NIGHT 143
Lilly Fortune and Xing are assembling tomorrow's front page.
XING FU
This one is strong.
Lilly points to an image of Billy looking longingly at Sarah.
LILLY FORTUNE
I like that image too
Lilly points to a two shot of the Sneddon's.
LILLY FORTUNE (CONT'D)
This one would work best if there
were a double hanging.

Marshall arrives and bounds over to Lilly and Xing who shows
him what she is working on. Two versions of a headline.

XING FU
What do you think of the artwork?

The first says "Double Hanging of Navy Killers" and the
other, "Wife not guilty in Navy Murder".

LILLY FORTUNE
I took your advice on the outcome
otherwise I have no papers to sell.

MARSHALL
It wasn’t a free lunch after all.

LILLY FORTUNE
To beat the competition, we have to
have both versions ready to sell
when the verdict comes in.

MARSHALL
I am equally in awe and appalled.

We hear the loud voice of Lord Northcliffe shouting.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Is that you I hear Marshall?
Marshall motions to Lilly and Xing to follow him.

144 INT. DAILY SKETCH - LORD NORTHCLIFFE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 144
Lord Northcliffe has a pile of contracts he is signing.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Marshall, very good to see you.
They shakes hands and Northcliffe hands Marshall a cigar.
MARSHALL
I have a proposition.
Northcliffe indicated to Lilly and Xing.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
I see you have help and I am
guessing this is going to cost me
money.
Marshall holds up the front page showing the Sneddon story.
LILLY FORTUNE
Sales of this are already
flourishing.
MARSHALL
If we continue to do our jobs well,
this will make you lots of money.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
How so?
MARSHALL
You buy the exclusive rights to the
Sneddon story. Secure their future.
Northcliffe isn’t sure if Marshall is joking.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
I get free access to good stories.
Why should this one be different?
XING FU
(ironic)
Because secretly you are a caring
man and want to help?
A wry smile as Northcliffe's eyebrows reach for the sky.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In the bustling newsroom of the Daily Sketch, Lilly Fortune and Xing Fu prepare the front page for the next day's edition, focusing on the Sneddon story. Marshall arrives and discusses the need for multiple headlines before approaching Lord Northcliffe with a proposal to buy exclusive rights to the story. Northcliffe, skeptical yet amused, engages in witty banter with Marshall and Xing Fu, highlighting the competitive nature of the newspaper business. The scene blends urgency with humor, ending with Northcliffe contemplating the value of Marshall's proposal.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Ethical dilemmas
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and crucial for the progression of the story. It introduces a new dimension to the characters' motivations and the potential outcomes of the ongoing trials.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating the exclusive rights to a high-profile story adds layers to the narrative and explores the ethical considerations of journalism and media manipulation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly through the negotiation scene, introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the newspaper industry, showcasing the ethical dilemmas faced by journalists and the cutthroat nature of the business. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations and moral compasses are tested in this scene, showcasing their depth and complexity in the face of difficult decisions.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the understanding of the characters' values and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain their position in the competitive newspaper industry and secure their future by selling papers and creating compelling stories.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Lord Northcliffe to buy the exclusive rights to the Sneddon story, securing their financial future and success in the industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the negotiation scene, both internally within the characters and externally in their interactions with each other.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and moral dilemmas creating tension and uncertainty about the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 8

The negotiation over the exclusive rights to the Sneddon story raises the stakes for the characters involved, impacting their careers and the outcome of the trials.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of journalism and the balance between sensationalism and truth. The characters must navigate the fine line between selling papers and reporting accurately.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes sympathy and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemmas and moral struggles.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' true intentions and conflicts, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The fast-paced action keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a drama genre screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a drama genre screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the bustling atmosphere of the Daily Sketch newsroom, which is essential for establishing the urgency and competitive nature of the newspaper industry. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to reflect the high stakes involved in reporting on a sensational trial.
  • The interaction between Marshall, Lilly, and Xing feels somewhat formulaic. While the humor is present, it lacks depth and could benefit from more character-driven exchanges that reveal their personalities and motivations. For instance, Marshall's awe and appall could be expressed through more specific anecdotes or reactions to the headlines.
  • The dialogue regarding the headlines is informative but could be more engaging. Instead of simply stating the headlines, the characters could discuss the implications of each headline on public perception and the ethical considerations of sensationalism in journalism. This would add layers to the conversation and deepen the audience's understanding of the characters' values.
  • Lord Northcliffe's entrance is a bit abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene. A smoother transition or a more gradual build-up to his arrival would enhance the pacing and maintain the scene's flow. Additionally, his character could be fleshed out further to establish his motivations and relationship with Marshall.
  • The scene ends on a humorous note, but it feels slightly disconnected from the gravity of the preceding events. Given the serious nature of the Sneddon case, it might be more effective to maintain a tone that reflects the tension and stakes involved, rather than shifting abruptly to humor.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more character-specific dialogue that reveals their personalities and motivations. This could involve personal anecdotes or emotional reactions to the headlines they are discussing.
  • Enhance the dialogue about the headlines by incorporating discussions on the ethical implications of sensationalism in journalism. This would provide depth to the characters' perspectives and highlight the moral dilemmas they face.
  • Integrate Lord Northcliffe's entrance more smoothly into the scene. Perhaps foreshadow his arrival with background noise or a mention of his presence before he enters, allowing for a more natural transition.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene that reflects the seriousness of the Sneddon case. If humor is included, ensure it serves to enhance the narrative rather than distract from the gravity of the situation.
  • Explore the competitive nature of the newspaper industry further by including more tension or conflict between the characters as they prepare for the verdict. This could involve disagreements on strategy or differing opinions on how to report the story.



Scene 52 -  Doubt in the Courtroom
145 INT. OLD BAILEY - COURTROOM - DAY 145
Judge Peach addresses counsel and he is impatient.
JUDGE PEACH
Have counsel had the chance to
discuss a plea agreement?
Singh gets to his feet.
ASHRAF SINGH
We have my Lord, but defence
counsel are unmoved.
He looks over to Marshall and Charlie Gill in a way that
suggests they have broken some secret code of honour.
JUDGE PEACH
Did you emphasise I am considering
leniency Mr. Singh?
Marshall stands.
MARSHALL
My Lord, you may recall in Crown -v-
Rosenberg you said that leniency is
never a consideration for you when
sentencing in manslaughter.
The courtroom becomes a cacophony.
JUDGE PEACH
You had better hope your faith in
the jury is a gamble that pays off.
Judge Peach indicates with his hand for Carson to being.
Carson stands to question DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER.
EDWARD CARSON
Doctor Piper, we need only concern
ourselves with the murder of
Lieutenant Brown by Sarah Sneddon.
Marshall stands with anger.
MARSHALL
Murder? Does the prosecution have
any facts to present?
EDWARD CARSON
Dr. Piper, you have been a
pathologist for twenty years?
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
I have indeed.
EDWARD CARSON
In your report you say there was a
wound from a bowie knife in Browns
chest. How deep was the wound?
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
More than half of the length of the
blade. The force used was great.
EDWARD CARSON
So, the infliction was deliberate?
Piper nods in the affirmative.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
The velocity of the blade into the
body was significant.
Carson stares at the Jury as he asks his final question.
EDWARD CARSON
Do you have any doubt that death
occurred immediately after the
fatal knife wound to the heart...
Carson points to Sarah Sneddon in the dock.
EDWARD CARSON (CONT'D)
….So barbarically inflicted by this
foreigner?

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
None whatsoever. Brown died as soon
as the heart was punctured.

Lilly Fortune looks over at Marshall who is taking in the
pathologist's evidence. She looks concerned before Marshall
winks at her as he rises to his feet in all his glory.

MARSHALL
You are, a very expert witness?

Piper puffs out his chest.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Yes, that has been said about me.
MARSHALL
Did you examine the corpse of
Lieutenant Brown in great detail?

Piper smiles weakly and looks around at the Jury.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
There were no other stab wounds to
the heart if that’s what you mean.

There is audible laughter in the courtroom.

Marshall holds up the autopsy report, and we see the
underlining in red ink.
MARSHALL
"The subject had a bloody wound to
the rear of the head. The skull
appeared unusually thin."
Piper looks uncomfortable.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Do you recall that observation when
you completed the autopsy?

Piper goes into defensive mode.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
I said that but concluded the head
injury was caused when Brown hit
his head on the ground after being
stabbed by the defendant.

MARSHALL
So, Brown's heart was still beating
when his head hit the floor, and
that caused the bleeding?

Piper shuffles about in the witness box and looks to Carson
for help. None is forthcoming.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
It’s just that you told the
prosecution that the heart wound
was instantaneous and fatal.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Is there another explanation?

Marshall looks to the Jury.

MARSHALL
I don’t claim to be an expert.

Marshall produces and holds up an illustration from the
autopsy and photographs of the blood-stained low ceiling
beam. He hands it to the Usher, who gives it to Piper.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Did you bother to visit the crime
scene at Wiltons Music Hall?

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
The Police didn’t ask me to.

MARSHALL
I think I know why they didn’t.


Piper holds up the photographs to the light.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Those are the photographs referred
to by witnesses as the low hanging
beam. Do you see it has been
stained with red ink to illustrate
the size and shape?

Piper nods.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Yes, I see that now.

MARSHALL
Do you agree that it is remarkably
similar to the wound on the back of
the skull of Lieutenant Brown?
Piper takes out his reading glasses and examines the autopsy
illustrations and the photograph in detail. The courtroom is
silent as he does so.

The silence is broken a gas lamp illuminating the public
gallery begins to hiss violently as the wick burns out.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)
Doctor Piper, could Brown have got
his head wound from the beam?

Piper looks up then slowly re-examines the images again.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
It’s not impossible but you are
overlooking the wound to the heart.

Marshall looks again at each member of the Jury.

MARSHALL
Doctor Augustus, please explain to
the jury the medical phenomenon of
an "egg-shell" skull.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
It is a condition whereby any
sudden pressure or impact applied
to the skull, can cause death.

MARSHALL
I put it to you that Lieutenant
Brown died when his eggshell skull
hit the low ceiling beam.

Piper looks poleaxed.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
Now, wait a minute.
MARSHALL
That collision caused an
irreparable brain injury. That
stopped Brown's heart pumping.
That's why there was so little
blood at the site of either the
head or the chest wound.
Seeing the Jury is completely transfixed, Marshall pauses so
the courtroom can appreciate what comes next.
MARSHALL (CONT'D)
You did not fully examine his head
wound did you, Doctor?

Piper is outmanoeuvred.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
This man had a knife sticking out
of his chest. That was the most
obvious cause of death.

Marshall explodes with anger.

MARSHALL
Most obvious? A mother is on trial
for her life, and you have given
damning evidence against her.

Seeing that Piper is stricken, Judge Peach interjects.

JUDGE PEACH
Marshall, we must have decorum. It
is discourteous for a professional
man to be undermined in this way.

Marshall ignores the Judge.

MARSHALL
You did not do your job, Doctor. As
a result, this woman could die on
the gallows. What do you say?

Piper has a look of contrition.

DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
On any Saturday night a dozen
corpses are brought to me for
examination. I am overwhelmed.

On counsel's benches, the case is being watched intently by
SIR FOREST FULTON QC, who is very impressed with Marshall.

MARSHALL
The reason there was no blood from
the heart wound, was because the
heart was no longer beating.
DOCTOR AUGUSTUS PIPER
I should have conducted a full
autopsy.
The courtroom is aghast.
JUDGE PEACH
You now think it possible that
Brown may have been dead before
Sarah Sneddon stabbed him?
Piper nods.
MARSHALL
You cannot kill a dead man.
JUDGE PEACH
Gentlemen of the Jury, if you
accept Doctor Pipers evidence that
Brown might have died before Sarah
Sneddon touched him the charge of
murder may be in doubt.
Peach is doing his best to cast doubt on Pipers favourable
evidence, and he lets that sink in with the Jurors.
MARSHALL
The defence of Sarah Sneddon rests.
Carson leaps to his feet and points to Jimmy Cross in the
public gallery.
EDWARD CARSON
I recall Jimmy Cross to the stand.
JUDGE PEACH
Very well. Mr. Cross, I remind you
that you are still under oath.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, Judge Peach grows impatient with plea negotiations as Ashraf Singh informs him of the defense's stance. Defense attorney Marshall aggressively challenges the prosecution's murder claim, questioning pathologist Dr. Augustus Piper about Lieutenant Brown's injuries. While Carson presents evidence of a knife wound, Marshall highlights a potentially fatal head injury, leading to a dramatic revelation that undermines the prosecution's case. Dr. Piper admits he should have conducted a more thorough autopsy, casting doubt on the murder charge against Sarah Sneddon. The scene concludes with Carson calling another witness, Jimmy Cross, to the stand.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strategic questioning
  • Revelatory moment
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of other characters' reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and pivotal in the development of the plot. It effectively introduces a new perspective on the murder case, raising questions about the validity of the evidence presented.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of challenging the pathologist's testimony and introducing doubt into the murder case is compelling. It adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding mystery.

Plot: 9.5

The plot is significantly advanced in this scene, with the revelation casting doubt on the murder case and potentially changing the course of the trial. It adds complexity and intrigue to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre by introducing unexpected twists and turns in the legal proceedings. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience guessing.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marshall and Doctor Augustus Piper, are well-developed in this scene. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the narrative and contribute to the escalating tension.

Character Changes: 9

The revelation in this scene prompts a shift in perception and understanding, particularly for Doctor Augustus Piper. It challenges his beliefs and actions, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and defend his client, Sarah Sneddon, against the murder charges. His deeper need is to prove her innocence and uphold justice, reflecting his desire for fairness and integrity in the legal system.

External Goal: 8

Marshall's external goal is to challenge the prosecution's evidence and create doubt in the minds of the jury regarding Sarah Sneddon's guilt. He aims to present a compelling defense that raises questions about the validity of the murder charges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the revelation challenging the established narrative and creating tension between the characters. The stakes are raised as the truth behind the murder case is called into question.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and legal arguments presented by the prosecution and defense. The audience is kept in suspense as the characters challenge each other's evidence and credibility.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the potential for a miscarriage of justice and the fate of Sarah Sneddon hanging in the balance. The revelation could have far-reaching consequences for the trial and the characters involved.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new perspective on the murder case and raising doubts about the evidence presented. It sets the stage for further developments and twists in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the legal proceedings. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the trial and the fate of the characters involved.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of justice and the integrity of the legal system. Marshall challenges the prosecution's evidence and questions the credibility of the pathologist's testimony, highlighting the importance of truth and fairness in the pursuit of justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including suspense, frustration, and intrigue. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the trial and the fate of the characters involved.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and impactful. It drives the scene forward, revealing crucial information and character dynamics. The exchanges between Marshall and Piper are particularly compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, dramatic confrontations, and strategic reveals of evidence. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats as the legal proceedings unfold and new information is presented.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the legal arguments unfold and new evidence is presented. The rhythm of the dialogue and the strategic reveals keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the trial.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with a clear progression of events and a focus on the presentation of evidence and legal arguments. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the courtroom setting, with Judge Peach's impatience and the escalating conflict between Marshall and the prosecution. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes; characters could imply more than they state outright, creating a richer dramatic tension.
  • Marshall's character is portrayed as passionate and combative, which is compelling. However, his anger could be tempered with moments of vulnerability or doubt to make him more relatable. This would add depth to his character and make his fight for justice more poignant.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the dialogue feels overly expository, particularly when Marshall explains the medical phenomenon of an 'egg-shell' skull. This could be streamlined to maintain the flow and keep the audience engaged without losing clarity.
  • The courtroom dynamics are well-established, but the reactions of the jury and other characters could be more vividly described to enhance the atmosphere. This would help the audience feel the weight of the moment and the implications of the testimony.
  • The use of humor, such as the laughter in the courtroom, is a nice touch, but it could be more strategically placed to contrast the serious nature of the trial. This would heighten the emotional impact when the gravity of the situation returns.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to allow characters to convey their emotions and motivations without stating them directly. This will create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Consider adding a moment where Marshall reflects on the personal stakes involved in the case, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a conversation with a colleague, to deepen his character.
  • Streamline the exposition regarding the medical terms and phenomena. Use more natural dialogue to convey necessary information without feeling like a lecture.
  • Enhance the descriptions of the jury's reactions and the courtroom atmosphere to immerse the audience in the tension of the scene. This could include specific facial expressions or body language that reflect the gravity of the testimony.
  • Strategically place moments of levity or humor to provide contrast to the serious themes, ensuring they do not undermine the emotional weight of the scene but rather enhance it.



Scene 53 -  The Weight of Evidence
146 INT. OLD BAILEY - PUBLIC GALLERY - DAY 146
Sir Forest Fulton takes a seat next to Arthur Newton.
SIR FOREST FULTON QC
Arthur, who looks after Marshall?
ARTHUR NEWTON
Ah Forest, you too are impressed.
It's Bernie Lawless.
SIR FOREST FULTON QC
Do a deal with Bernie. I want
Marshall with me in the Police
murder case of Thomas Orrock.
Newton nods affirmatively.
147 INT. OLD BAILEY COURTROOM - DAY 147
Jimmy Cross stands in the witness box looking haunted.
EDWARD CARSON
Tell the Jury again about that last
ditch punch Billy Sneddon delivered
to the jaw of Lieutenant Brown.
JIMMY CROSS
I do not recall.
EDWARD CARSON
Let me refresh your memory.
He produces his notes and reads back to Jimmy Cross.
EDWARD CARSON (CONT'D)
You told Marshall, it was an
uppercut Billy delivered and Brown
hit his head off a low beam.

Jimmy looks over at Billy with tears in his eyes. He nods.

JIMMY CROSS
Yes sir.

EDWARD CARSON
My Lord, it stands to reason that
if Sarah didn’t kill Brown, then
someone else did.

JUDGE PEACH
Are you now saying you want to
charge Billy Sneddon with the
murder of Brown?

EDWARD CARSON
He was the last person to touch
Brown whilst he was alive.
JUDGE PEACH
Very well. I will allow the Jury to
consider that as part of their
deliberations.

Marshall notices Sir Forest Fulton and Newton watching and
discussing him intently.

ASHRAF SINGH QC
We are obliged my Lord.

Peach turns to the Jury.
JUDGE PEACH
Gentlemen, we have heard evidence
that Lieutenant Brown procured a
bladed weapon to use against Billy
Sneddon. We do not know where
Andrews got hold of the knife that
killed him, but this does support
the defence theory that it Billy
Sneddon who was attacked in the
second fight.
Marshall and Gill look almost hopeful.
Lilly is getting ready to leave court when she catches
Marshall smiling at her. She seems to like it.
JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
We also heard evidence in relation
to Andrews and Brown that they were
bragging about having had sex with
Sarah Sneddon in a high class
brothel. That could be regarded as
provocation.

Carson hands a note to Singh. He reads and passes it back.

JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
If Sarah Sneddon was trafficked to
England and raped by the navy men
that can be taken into account when
deciding your verdict.

Carson stands.

EDWARD CARSON
My Lord...

Peach indicates he sits. Carson does so.

JUDGE PEACH
Stronger than that is the evidence
of Doctor Piper who believes the
fatal blow to Brown may not have
come from Sarah at all. You shall
give verdicts on both defendants on
both killings. Go and deliberate.

USHER
All rise.

The court clears.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Mystery"]

Summary In the Old Bailey courtroom, Sir Forest Fulton discusses his legal strategy with Arthur Newton, expressing a desire for Marshall's representation in a murder case. Jimmy Cross, visibly haunted, testifies about a punch thrown by Billy Sneddon, initially claiming he doesn't remember but later confirming the details after prompting from Edward Carson. Carson argues for the jury to consider Billy as a suspect if Sarah Sneddon is not guilty. Judge Peach oversees the proceedings, allowing the jury to deliberate on the evidence against both defendants, creating a tense atmosphere as the gravity of the situation weighs heavily on all involved.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Revealing character backstories
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of visual variety in the courtroom setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong focus on building tension and introducing new elements that impact the trial. The dialogue is engaging, and the revelations about the characters' pasts add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing new evidence and exploring the impact of trauma and provocation on the characters' actions is compelling and adds depth to the story. The scene effectively challenges the audience's perceptions of the case.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the trial narrative and introducing key elements that shape the outcome of the case. The revelations about the characters' pasts add layers to the story and create intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to legal drama by incorporating moral dilemmas, ethical considerations, and complex character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with complex motivations and histories that influence their actions and decisions. The interactions between the characters reveal their strengths and vulnerabilities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no explicit character changes in this scene, the revelations about the characters' pasts and the shifting dynamics of the trial hint at potential transformations in their beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice for the murder case of Thomas Orrock. This reflects his desire for truth and fairness in the legal system.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to prove the innocence of the defendants and uncover the truth behind the murders. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a complex legal case and defending the accused.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising as new evidence is introduced and the characters' beliefs are challenged. The courtroom setting intensifies the conflict and creates a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and legal challenges that create uncertainty and suspense for the characters and the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, as the outcome of the trial could determine the fates of the defendants and reveal the truth about the crimes committed. The characters' reputations and futures are on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new evidence, challenging assumptions, and setting the stage for the resolution of the trial. The revelations about the characters' pasts add depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the legal case, the revelation of new evidence, and the shifting alliances among the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of justice and the search for truth. The characters grapple with moral dilemmas and ethical considerations in their pursuit of legal justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as the characters' past traumas and the gravity of the trial weigh heavily on the audience. The revelations about the characters' experiences evoke sympathy and intrigue.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, conveying the emotions and tensions of the trial effectively. The exchanges between the characters reveal their conflicting perspectives and add depth to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and complex character dynamics. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome of the legal proceedings.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and interactions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of a courtroom drama, with proper scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear delineation of characters, dialogue-driven interactions, and a gradual build-up of tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as it transitions from the public gallery to the courtroom, showcasing the stakes involved in the trial. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth, particularly in Jimmy Cross's responses. His haunted demeanor is mentioned, but the dialogue does not fully capture the weight of his situation or the emotional turmoil he might be experiencing.
  • The introduction of Sir Forest Fulton and Arthur Newton adds a layer of intrigue, but their conversation feels somewhat disconnected from the main action in the courtroom. It might be more effective to weave their dialogue into the courtroom proceedings, perhaps by having them react to the testimony or the unfolding drama, thereby creating a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • The courtroom dynamics are well-established, with Judge Peach maintaining order and the tension between the prosecution and defense palpable. However, the judge's dialogue could be more assertive to reflect the gravity of the situation. His comments about the evidence could be more forceful, emphasizing the implications of the jury's deliberation.
  • The scene concludes with a strong note, as the judge instructs the jury to deliberate on both defendants. However, the emotional impact could be heightened by including a brief moment of reflection from Marshall or Lilly, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the decision that lies ahead. This would also serve to deepen the character development and their stakes in the trial.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Jimmy Cross's dialogue to reflect his emotional state more vividly. Consider adding internal conflict or hesitation in his responses to convey the pressure he feels.
  • Integrate Sir Forest Fulton and Arthur Newton's conversation more closely with the courtroom action, perhaps by having them react to key moments in the trial, which would create a more unified scene.
  • Strengthen Judge Peach's authority in his dialogue by using more commanding language when addressing the jury and discussing the evidence, reinforcing the seriousness of the trial.
  • Add a moment of introspection for Marshall or Lilly at the end of the scene to emphasize the emotional stakes and the gravity of the jury's impending decision, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with the characters.



Scene 54 -  Verdicts and Turmoil
148 EXT. OLD BAILEY - DAY 148

Marshall, Lilly Fortune, and Arthur Newton have their backs
to the walls of the famous court building and say nothing.
Marshall lights a cigar.
LILLY FORTUNE
Why was the Judge hedging his bets?
ARTHUR NEWTON
The Lord Chancellor monitors
adverse stories about Judges in the
press. Too many, you are finished.
MARSHALL
I think even Peach is unsure of the
nuances of the evidence.
Lawless appears and looks nervous.
BERNIE LAWLESS
The Jury is back.
They each look at the others.
ARTHUR NEWTON
Less than an hour, this isn't good.

149 INT. OLD BAILEY COURT ROOM - DAY 149
The courtroom is even more crowded than before with people
standing cheek by jowl.
The JURY are seated and still as the Usher addresses the
Foreman.
USHER
Has the Jury reached verdicts that
you are all agreed upon for each
defendant?
JURY FOREMAN
We have.
USHER
Regarding WILLIAM Sneddon. How do
you find on the charge of the
MURDER of Lieutenant ANDREWS?
You could hear a pin drop in the packed courtroom.
JURY FOREMAN
We find him not guilty.
Billy looks at Sarah as there is consternation and some
cheers go up followed immediately by shushes from the court
BAILIFFS.
JUDGE PEACH
Be quiet in the public gallery!
The courtroom settles again.
USHER
What verdict for WILLIAM Sneddon on
the charge of the MANSLAUGHTER of
Lieutenant ANDREWS?
Marshall and Newton exchange tense looks.
USHER (CONT'D)
Regarding SARAH Sneddon, how do you
find on the charge of the MURDER of
Lieutenant BROWN?

The Court holds its breath.
JURY FOREMAN
We find her not guilty.

Sarah holds onto the Dock as this sinks in.

USHER
Regarding SARAH Sneddon on the
charge of the MANSLAUGHTER of
Lieutenant BROWN, how do you find?

JURY FOREMAN
We find her not guilty.

The courtroom erupts and not all of it is euphoria.

JUDGE PEACH
Silence in my courtroom. Sarah
Sneddon, you have been found not
guilty and are free to go.

Sarah does not want to be parted from Billy in the dock but
is ushered into the benches in the courtroom.

USHER
Regarding WILLIAM Sneddon on the
MURDER of Lieutenant BROWN, how do
you find?

JURY FOREMAN
We find him not guilty.

USHER
On WILLIAM Sneddon's charge of the
MANSLAUGHTER of Lieutenant BROWN,
how do you find?

JURY FOREMAN
We find him guilty.

There are RUNNERS waiting next to the PRESS BENCHES to take
the verdict back to Fleet Street.
Jimmy Cross punches the air and shouts out.
JIMMY CROSS
You rotten bastards. He’s innocent.
The court room volume goes up even more.
MAGGIE CROSS
(to the Jury)
Justice hasn’t been done.
Judge Peach is now catatonic at these outbursts.
JUDGE PEACH
Bailiffs remove that man and his
wife.
It takes FOUR BAILIFFs to drag Jimmy and Maggie Cross out of
court and once removed, things settle.
Sarah is inconsolable with grief and runs over to Billy. They
have a moment, then are parted by the Usher.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary The scene unfolds outside and inside the Old Bailey as Marshall, Lilly Fortune, and Arthur Newton discuss the judge's hesitance regarding the jury's decision. Lawless nervously announces the jury's return, leading to a dramatic courtroom moment where the jury finds William Sneddon guilty of manslaughter and Sarah Sneddon not guilty of murder. This verdict sparks outrage from Jimmy Cross, resulting in his removal from the courtroom. The emotional turmoil peaks as Sarah, relieved yet grief-stricken, desperately tries to reach Billy, who is separated from her by the Usher, highlighting the chaos and tension of the moment.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling character reactions
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some chaotic moments may be overwhelming for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension, emotion, and chaos of the courtroom drama, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the courtroom drama and the aftermath of the trial verdicts, is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene, centered around the trial verdicts and the characters' reactions, is crucial in advancing the story and resolving key conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the legal drama genre, exploring the emotional aftermath of a trial verdict and the complexities of justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotional responses and interactions in the scene are well-developed and contribute to the overall impact of the moment.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience significant emotional changes in the scene, particularly Sarah and Billy Sneddon, as they react to the trial verdicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the emotional turmoil of a high-stakes trial and its outcome. They are grappling with fear, uncertainty, and the weight of the situation on their conscience.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a favorable verdict in the trial and avoid conviction. They are facing the immediate challenge of the jury's decision and the impact it will have on their future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene, both internal and external, is high, leading to intense emotional outbursts and dramatic moments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, moral dilemmas, and unexpected verdicts creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the trial will unfold and its impact on the protagonists.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters' fates hang in the balance with the trial verdicts determining their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving key conflicts, advancing the trial narrative, and setting the stage for the next developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected verdicts and the characters' emotional reactions. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and moral complexities of the trial.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of justice and the limitations of the legal system. The characters question the fairness of the verdicts and the impact of societal expectations on judicial decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, relief, and anger in the audience through the characters' reactions.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions, adding depth to the courtroom drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, dramatic tension, and moral dilemmas. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the uncertainty of the trial outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the trial outcome. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a courtroom drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional courtroom drama structure, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the emotional stakes of the trial.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and anticipation surrounding the jury's verdict, which is crucial for the emotional stakes of the narrative. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository and lacks the urgency that the moment demands. Consider incorporating more varied reactions from the characters to heighten the emotional impact.
  • The courtroom setting is well-established, but the visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid atmosphere. For instance, describing the expressions of the jury members or the reactions of the spectators could add depth to the scene and immerse the audience further into the tension of the moment.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the jury's verdict to the reactions could be smoother. The abrupt shifts between the jury's announcements and the characters' responses can feel jarring. A more gradual build-up to the emotional reactions would help maintain the flow.
  • The character of Judge Peach is portrayed as authoritative, but his reaction to the outbursts could be more nuanced. Instead of being 'catatonic,' perhaps he could show a mix of frustration and authority, which would add complexity to his character and the situation.
  • The emotional climax of Sarah's grief is powerful, but it could be amplified by showing her internal struggle more explicitly. Instead of simply stating that she is inconsolable, consider using internal monologue or physical actions that convey her turmoil and desperation.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to include more emotional subtext and urgency, allowing characters to express their feelings more vividly in response to the verdict.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the courtroom and the characters' reactions to create a more immersive atmosphere. Consider using sensory details to evoke the tension in the air.
  • Smooth out the transitions between the jury's verdicts and the characters' reactions to maintain a consistent pacing and emotional flow throughout the scene.
  • Add complexity to Judge Peach's character by showing a range of emotions in response to the courtroom chaos, rather than a single reaction.
  • Deepen Sarah's emotional response by incorporating internal thoughts or physical manifestations of her grief, allowing the audience to connect more profoundly with her character.



Scene 55 -  A Sentence of Death
150 EXT. STREET - LONDON - DAY 150
Outside The old Bailey FOUR NEWSPAPER BOYS have hundreds of
newspapers and have set up both front pages we saw earlier:
They tear down the advertisement for the headline "Double
Hanging of Navy Killers" and promote the other which says,
"Wife Not Guilty in Navy Murder".

151 INT. OLD BAILEY COURTROOM - DAY 151
Marshall gives Billy Sneddon a “chin up old man” look as
Judge Peach begins sentencing.
JUDGE PEACH
Billy Sneddon the Jury has found
you guilty of the MANSLAUGHTER of
Lieutenant Brown.
The press pack is poised to run back to Fleet street.
JUDGE PEACH (CONT'D)
Unlike murder which carries with it
a mandatory sentence of execution,
the law gives me discretion over
sentencing in manslaughter.

Carson jumps to his feet sensing leniency.

EDWARD CARSON
My Lord, two men lost their lives.

Judge Peach ignores him.
JUDGE PEACH
You served your country in
Afghanistan and in the Zulu wars
and were commended for bravery.
Carson persists.
EDWARD CARSON
My Lord, I really must....
Peach continues.
JUDGE PEACH
I have a letter from Inspector
Abberline of Scotland Yard saying
you have helped in a murder
investigation for which I give you
due credit.
Last go for Carson.
EDWARD CARSON
My Lord, there must be a reckoning.
JUDGE PEACH
(Explodes)
BE QUIET MR CARSON!
Carson slowly sits back down red-faced.
Judge Peach indicates to the Usher standing at his side.
USHER
The prisoner will stand.
Billy gets to his feet for sentence.
SARAH SNEDDON
Please have mercy, my Lord.
The Usher places the black square on Peach's head.
JUDGE PEACH
Billy Sneddon, it is a long held
principle of law that you take your
victim as you find him. You could
not have known that BROWN had an
egg-shell skull but that is what
killed him after you punched him.
Sarah steps forward to pleas with Peach.
SARAH SNEDDON
(pleading)
Please my Lord......
Peach does not acknowledge Sarah.
JUDGE PEACH
You will be taken from this place
to Newgate Jail. There you will be
hanged by the neck until you are
dead. May God have mercy on your
soul. Take him down.
The courtroom erupts. Reporters evacuate their benches to get
back to Fleet Street. The public gallery empties.
Marshall and Gill go over to the dock where Billy sits.
MARSHALL
I told Sarah I would draw up your
last will and testament. I shall
come and see you in Newgate.
Billy and Sarah Sneddon are dignified. They are allowed one
last hug before Billy is led away.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary In a tense courtroom scene at the Old Bailey, Billy Sneddon is sentenced to death by hanging for manslaughter, despite his military service and a plea for mercy from his wife, Sarah. Judge Peach dismisses prosecutor Edward Carson's calls for a harsher punishment, leading to an emotional farewell between Billy and Sarah as reporters rush to cover the unfolding tragedy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted, emotionally impactful, and crucial for the resolution of the storyline. It effectively conveys the tension, drama, and moral dilemmas present in a courtroom setting.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring justice, mercy, and consequences in a legal setting is effectively portrayed, adding depth to the narrative and character development.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it resolves the legal conflict and sets the stage for the next phase of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the courtroom drama genre, with unique character dynamics and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships are well-developed in this scene, especially with the focus on Billy and Sarah Sneddon.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Billy and Sarah Sneddon, undergo significant emotional changes as they face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek leniency and mercy for the defendant, Billy Sneddon. This reflects his desire for justice and fairness in the legal system.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to advocate for a lesser sentence for Billy Sneddon based on his past service and commendations. This reflects the immediate challenge of the sentencing process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between justice and mercy, guilt and innocence, is palpable in the scene, adding tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and beliefs between the protagonist and the judge. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face life-altering consequences, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving the legal conflict and setting the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events in the sentencing process and the judge's final decision. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in mercy and leniency versus the judge's adherence to the principle of 'taking the victim as you find him.' This challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs about justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the tragic circumstances, the characters' reactions, and the weight of the verdict and sentencing.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the emotional turmoil of the characters and the high stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, intense conflict, and dramatic dialogue. The audience is drawn into the tension and suspense of the courtroom proceedings.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a courtroom drama, with clear progression and conflict resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the courtroom's verdict and the subsequent sentencing, but it could benefit from deeper character exploration. The reactions of Marshall and Sarah Sneddon are somewhat surface-level; adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a certain dramatic flair. For instance, Judge Peach's lines could be more impactful if they included more emotional resonance or personal anecdotes that reflect his own struggles with the law, making his decision feel more weighty.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly during the sentencing. The transition from the judge's speech to the reporters' reactions could be smoother, allowing the audience to absorb the gravity of the moment before moving on to the chaos of the courtroom.
  • The use of the newspaper boys outside the Old Bailey is a clever visual device to show public interest and the sensationalism of the case. However, this could be expanded to include snippets of their dialogue or reactions to the verdict, providing a broader societal context.
  • The courtroom erupts into chaos at the end, but the emotional impact of this chaos could be heightened. Instead of just showing reporters evacuating, consider including specific reactions from the public gallery or the defense team that reflect the mixed emotions surrounding the verdict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a pause after the judge delivers the sentence to allow the weight of the verdict to settle in for both the characters and the audience.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from the characters, such as Marshall's body language or Sarah's physical state, to convey their emotional turmoil more vividly.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Marshall and Billy Sneddon to reflect their relationship more deeply. Perhaps include a line that reveals their shared history or mutual respect, making their farewell more poignant.
  • Introduce a brief flashback or memory for Sarah Sneddon as she pleads for mercy, which could provide insight into her character and the stakes involved, making her plea more compelling.
  • Consider using the newspaper boys as a framing device throughout the scene, perhaps cutting back to them at key moments to show how the public perceives the unfolding drama, thereby adding layers to the narrative.



Scene 56 -  Reflections and Revelations at The George
152 EXT. THE GEORGE PUBLIC HOUSE - NIGHT 152
Marshall approaches Charlie Gill in The George.
MARSHALL
I have an apology to make but not
without a drink in my hand.
Gill has a bottle in front of him.
CHARLIE GILL
Is 1858 Armagnac, any use to you?
Grab a glass.
Marshall takes one from the bar and sits.
MARSHALL
Thank you. I was born in 1858.
Gill takes a long sip on his Armagnac and begins to light a
cigar on a candle.
CHARLIE GILL
It was not arrogance. It was
dedication.
MARSHALL
I couldn’t take the risk the Jury
would find Sarah guilty of
manslaughter because they found the
medical evidence to complex.
CHARLIE GILL
That was such a skilful cross-
examination of the pathologist.
MARSHALL
I then underestimated Carson. He
saw what I hoped to obscure.
CHARLIE GILL
There was a point you realised that
if your theory was successful, it
would save Sarah but condemn Billy.
MARSHALL
My duty was to Sarah alone.
CHARLIE GILL
I thought we had pulled off the
impossible. The gamble will be paid
for in blood, as Carson predicted.
Marshall refills the glasses.
MARSHALL
To Billy Sneddon.
Gill and Marshall clink glasses.
Lilly Fortune and Northcliffe arrive. Lilly looks gleeful.
LILLY FORTUNE
Good news, Marshall. It’s on.
LORD NORTHCLIFFE
Another bottle, Gentlemen?
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary Marshall visits Charlie Gill at The George Public House to apologize and reflect on the recent trial involving Sarah and Billy Sneddon. They discuss the risks taken during the trial, with Marshall admitting his underestimation of the opposing counsel. The conversation reveals Marshall's moral dilemmas regarding his duty to Sarah over Billy, culminating in a toast to Billy. The atmosphere shifts with the arrival of Lilly Fortune, who brings good news, hinting at a positive turn in their circumstances.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Marshall's emotional turmoil and the weight of his decisions, providing insight into his character and the consequences of his actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Marshall grappling with the repercussions of his legal strategy adds depth to the narrative and highlights the ethical dilemmas faced by lawyers in high-stakes cases.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene focuses on Marshall's internal conflict and the aftermath of the trial, advancing the character development and setting the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique setting, complex character dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative and engages the audience in a fresh and compelling way.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene provides a nuanced portrayal of Marshall's character, showcasing his dedication to his client and the emotional toll of his decisions. Other characters serve to highlight different perspectives on the trial outcome.

Character Changes: 7

Marshall undergoes a subtle shift in perspective, grappling with the consequences of his legal strategy and the impact on his client, showcasing his internal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile his actions and decisions regarding the trial and his duty to Sarah. It reflects his deeper need for justice and his fear of failing to protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal in this scene is to celebrate a perceived victory in the trial and maintain his reputation as a skilled lawyer. It reflects the immediate circumstances of the trial's outcome and the challenges he faced during the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, focusing on Marshall's emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas rather than external confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting loyalties, hidden motivations, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' true intentions and the consequences of their actions, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Marshall as he reflects on the outcome of the trial and the impact on his client, highlighting the moral complexities of the legal system.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Marshall's character and sets the stage for future developments in the narrative, advancing the emotional and thematic arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motivations, conflicting loyalties, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge as they try to decipher the characters' true intentions and the consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of duty and sacrifice. Marshall's duty to Sarah conflicts with the potential sacrifice of Billy, highlighting the moral complexities of his choices and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Marshall's introspection and regret, as well as the somber tone and reflective atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys Marshall's introspection and regret, as well as the interactions with other characters that shed light on their viewpoints and reactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its rich character dynamics, moral dilemmas, and historical context. The dialogue and narrative direction create a sense of intrigue and suspense, drawing the audience into the characters' inner conflicts and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing the characters' conflicts and motivations to unfold gradually. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative direction enhances the emotional impact of the scene, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene, allowing the audience to focus on the characters' interactions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense as the characters reveal their inner conflicts and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the preceding events, particularly the tension surrounding the trial's outcome. Marshall's apology and the subsequent conversation with Gill provide a moment of reflection, which is essential after the high-stakes courtroom drama. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while the characters express their thoughts directly, adding layers of unspoken tension or conflict could enhance the emotional depth.
  • The use of the 1858 Armagnac as a motif is clever, linking Marshall's birth year to the drink and subtly suggesting a connection between his past and present. However, the dialogue could explore this connection further, perhaps by having Marshall reflect on how his upbringing influences his current choices, adding a personal touch to the narrative.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, especially given the gravity of the previous scene. The transition from the courtroom to the pub could be more gradual, allowing the audience to absorb the emotional fallout before diving into the conversation. This could be achieved by incorporating a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes the weight of the trial's outcome.
  • While the camaraderie between Marshall and Gill is evident, the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. Describing their body language, facial expressions, or the atmosphere of the pub could enhance the scene's emotional resonance. For instance, showing Marshall's hesitance or Gill's frustration through their actions would add depth to their dialogue.
  • The arrival of Lilly and Northcliffe introduces a shift in tone, but it feels somewhat abrupt. Their entrance could be foreshadowed or built up to create a smoother transition. Additionally, Lilly's gleeful demeanor contrasts sharply with the somber mood of the previous scene, which may confuse the audience. Clarifying the nature of the 'good news' could help maintain narrative coherence.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Marshall and Gill, allowing them to express their feelings indirectly. This could create a richer emotional landscape and engage the audience more deeply.
  • Expand on the significance of the 1858 Armagnac by having Marshall reflect on his past or the implications of his choices, creating a stronger connection between his character and the drink.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for a more gradual transition from the courtroom to the pub. Incorporate a moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes the emotional weight of the trial's outcome.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by describing the characters' body language and the atmosphere of the pub. This will help convey their emotional states and deepen the audience's connection to the scene.
  • Foreshadow the arrival of Lilly and Northcliffe to create a smoother transition into the scene. Clarify the nature of Lilly's 'good news' to maintain narrative coherence and ensure the audience understands the shift in tone.



Scene 57 -  Final Reflections in Newgate Jail
153 EXT/INT. NEWGATE JAIL - CELL - NIGHT 153
Billy Sneddon sits in the gloom, alone with his thoughts.
Marshall and a wigged BARRISTER enter.
Marshall gives the guard a shilling to leave them alone.
BILLY SNEDDON
I will be glad when it is over. The
most important thing is Sarah and
the children.
Marshall alludes to the other barrister.
MARSHALL
My friend will keep notes for the
last will and testament.
BILLY SNEDDON
There is little to leave. A gold
watch my Grandfather was given by
Lord Wellington at Talavera.
LILLY FORTUNE
You are from a family of fighters.
Billy is contemplative.
BILLY SNEDDON
Sarah can sell my campaign medals.
MARSHALL
They will be valuable. Not many
survived the Zulu wars.
BILLY SNEDDON.
Jimmy and I survived Rorkes Drift.
MARSHALL
How did you meet Sarah?
BILLY SNEDDON
We told everyone it was in Durban
during the war.
LILLY FORTUNE
Because of Somerset?
BILLY SNEDDON
Out of embarrassment. We fell head
over heels, but I still couldn’t
forget my girl being a prostitute.
MARSHALL
That alone will sell newspapers.
Lilly removes the wig.
LILLY FORTUNE
Lord Northcliffe has agreed to buy
the story of your life and how you
and Sarah met and fell in love.
Lilly hands Billy the notes she has taken and a pen.
BILLY SNEDDON
Please tell Sarah and the children
I love them and miss them and that
I will be looking over them all.
Billy signs the document, then hands them to Marshall, who
witnesses it.
MARSHALL
This will help Sarah and the
children get through this.
BILLY SNEDDON
Sarah won’t come to the execution.
No one will be there for me at the
end. Would you do me the honour?
Lilly nods assent.
MARSHALL
Yes. Yes, of course. We both will.

154 EXT. NEWGATE JAIL - NIGHT 154
Lilly hands back the wig and gown to Marshall.
LILLY FORTUNE
If Billy's last night before
execution will be read by anyone, I
must get back to Fleet Street.
MARSHALL
Thank you for doing this.
LILLY FORTUNE
Helping each other works.

155 INT. 3 DR. JOHNSTON BUILDINGS - CLERKS ROOM - DAY 155
Bernie Lawless brings Marshall the brief in the murder case
of Police Constable George Cole in – Crown -v- Orrock.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Forest Fulton, QC is defending
Thomas Orrock. He has offered you
have second chair. Twenty guineas.
MARSHALL
A shooting, wasn’t it?
A breathless young solicitor hands Lawless a brief.
YOUNG SOLICITOR
Mr. Ashraf Singh urgently needs a
junior prosecutor in the Charlie
Peace murder trial. He wants
Marshall.
Lawless checks the front of the brief. We see it is marked at
a hundred guineas. Lawless shepherds Marshall to the window.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Its good money?
Marshall says nothing.
YOUNG SOLICITOR
What shall I tell Mr. Singh?
Lawless and Marshall exchange a glance.
BERNIE LAWLESS
Tell him we respectfully decline.
Marshall does not prosecute.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary In a dimly lit cell at Newgate Jail, Billy Sneddon contemplates his impending execution with the support of Marshall and barrister Lilly Fortune. They discuss his last will, ensuring his partner Sarah can care for their children after his death. Lilly reveals interest from Lord Northcliffe in Billy's life story, while Billy expresses deep love for his family and requests Marshall to honor him at his execution. The scene captures Billy's emotional struggle and the weight of his sacrifice, ending with Lilly preparing to report on his story and Marshall declining a lucrative offer, highlighting his moral integrity.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Relatively static setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-structured, and effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and the gravity of the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of bidding a final farewell before a tragic event is a powerful and universal theme that resonates with audiences.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the emotional farewell of Billy Sneddon, adding depth to his character and advancing the narrative towards the climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique historical setting and explores themes of love, sacrifice, and redemption in a fresh and poignant way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically, especially in the heartfelt interactions between Billy Sneddon and his companions.

Character Changes: 8

Billy Sneddon undergoes a significant emotional change as he prepares for his execution, showing love and concern for his loved ones.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy Sneddon's internal goal is to ensure the well-being of his family, particularly his wife Sarah and children, before his execution. This reflects his deeper desire to protect and provide for his loved ones even in his final moments.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to finalize his last will and testament and leave behind something valuable for his family. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his impending execution and the need to secure his family's future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on resolution and closure.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Billy faces internal conflicts, societal judgment, and the looming threat of execution. The audience is unsure of how these challenges will be resolved, adding suspense and complexity to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as Billy Sneddon faces his impending execution, with his final moments carrying significant weight.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides closure for Billy Sneddon's character arc and sets the stage for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and the complex dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of Billy's fate and the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of love, sacrifice, and redemption. Billy's conflicted feelings about his past and his love for Sarah challenge his beliefs and values, especially in the face of public scrutiny and impending death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the heartfelt interactions and the impending tragedy of Billy Sneddon's execution.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is poignant and serves to convey the characters' emotions and thoughts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, historical context, and the characters' compelling interactions. The impending execution and the characters' personal struggles create a sense of tension and empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to connect with the characters and their struggles. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional and narrative beats of the story. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the somber atmosphere of Newgate Jail, emphasizing the gravity of Billy Sneddon's situation. The dialogue is poignant, particularly Billy's reflections on his family, which adds emotional weight to the scene.
  • The introduction of Lilly Fortune as a barrister adds depth to the narrative, showcasing her role in both the legal and personal aspects of the story. However, her transition from a barrister to a more personal role could be more seamless to maintain the tone.
  • The dialogue between Marshall and Billy is engaging, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, while they discuss the will and the gold watch, there could be a deeper exploration of Billy's feelings about leaving his family behind, which would enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, particularly in the transition from discussing the will to Lilly's announcement about selling Billy's story. A moment of silence or reflection could heighten the emotional impact before moving on to the next topic.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Marshall agreeing to honor Billy's request, but it could be more impactful if there were a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes the weight of this promise before transitioning to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a reflective pause after Billy expresses his love for Sarah and the children. This could enhance the emotional gravity of the moment.
  • Explore more subtext in the dialogue, particularly in Billy's reflections about his past and his feelings towards Sarah's past as a prostitute. This could deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • Ensure that Lilly's transition from a professional role to a more personal one is smooth. Perhaps include a line that reflects her emotional investment in Billy's story, making her motivations clearer.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly during the discussion of the will and the story sale. Allow the characters to process the implications of these decisions before moving on to the next topic.
  • Consider adding a visual element, such as a close-up of Billy's face or a lingering shot of the jail cell, to emphasize the weight of Marshall's promise to honor him at the execution.



Scene 58 -  The Weight of Shadows
156 INT. NEWGATE JAIL - HANGING ROOM - DAY 156
Marshall and Lilly enter the hanging room with the warder.
They watch as TWO GUARDS bring out Billy Sneddon.
A PRIEST steps forward.
PRIEST
Shall we pray to God?
BILLY SNEDDON
I will be seeing him soon enough.
The noose is placed around his neck and a hood over his face.
The rope is tied off. The executioner measures the drop.
But the hangman prematurely opens the trap door, and Billy
falls through the scaffold to a barbaric death.
Lilly jumps as the loud crack rings out!
Marshall takes Lilly in his arms to comfort her.
Then TWO GUARDS place Billy Sneddon into a casket and he is
carted off for burial in an unmarked grave.

157 EXT. BLACKFRIARS LANE - LONDON - NIGHT 157
Sickened by the hanging, they walk in silence.
A newspaper boy is selling the Daily Sketch where the
headline is, "War Hero is hanged".
NEWSPAPER BOY
(shouting)
Read all about it. “SNEDDON HANGED
IN NAVY MURDERS”.
Neither has the heart to look at the image of Billy and Sarah
advertising their life story to come out at the weekend.

158 EXT. HAMLET - ESSEX COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT 158
The sun is setting as a carriage arrives on a hillside
overlooking a quiet hamlet.
Children kick a ball around by a stream.
SUPER: Threes Week Later
The carriage stops outside the only one of the ten cottages
without any chimney smoke.
Some of the RESIDENTS look on with SUSPICTION and hostility.
They clearly don't like strangers.
SARAH SNEDDON
The local people are unfriendly.
Marshall, Lilly, Xing, Sarah and her children ANNIE and LUKE
get down from a carriage. The children are awestruck.
MARSHALL
Don't worry about them. I will
speak to them.
XING FU
Do you like the setting?
MARSHALL
The property needs tender loving
care. But it is yours to keep.
Sarah realises the implication. She hugs the children.
The LOCALS watch intently as Lilly opens the door and invites
Sarah and the children to look inside.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Marshall and Lilly witness the harrowing execution of Billy Sneddon at Newgate Jail, where a premature trapdoor leads to a brutal death that deeply disturbs Lilly. After the execution, they walk in silence, grappling with the horror they witnessed. Three weeks later, they arrive in a hamlet with Sarah Sneddon and her children, who face the suspicion of the locals as Marshall reassures them about their new home.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant execution
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of loss and despair through its somber tone and heartbreaking events. The emotional impact is palpable, and the execution is poignant and well-crafted.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a character's execution and the impact on the remaining characters is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. It delves into themes of justice, loss, and resilience.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is significant, as it marks a turning point in the story and sets up new challenges and developments for the characters. It moves the narrative forward while exploring the emotional aftermath of the execution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to themes of trauma, acceptance, and community through its unique setting and character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are well-developed and emotionally resonant. Their grief, resilience, and sense of loss are effectively portrayed, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, grappling with grief, loss, and resilience in the face of tragedy. Their experiences during the execution shape their future actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to provide comfort and support to Lilly after witnessing a traumatic event. This reflects Marshall's deeper desire to protect and care for those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to help Sarah and her children settle into their new home in the countryside. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining acceptance from the unfriendly locals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' grief and struggles rather than external conflicts. The tension arises from the characters' emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the local residents' hostility posing a significant challenge for the protagonist and the new residents.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with the aftermath of a character's execution and the emotional impact it has on their lives. The decisions made in this moment will shape their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up new challenges and developments for the characters. It marks a significant turning point in the narrative and paves the way for future plotlines.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its portrayal of the local residents' hostility and the protagonist's efforts to navigate the challenging situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in kindness and acceptance and the hostility of the local residents. This challenges Marshall's values of compassion and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, despair, and reflection in the audience. The characters' grief and the somber tone contribute to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' emotions and inner turmoil. It effectively conveys the sense of loss and despair they are experiencing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, dramatic tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively transitioning between locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Billy Sneddon's execution, showcasing the grim reality of capital punishment. The use of the priest's prayer juxtaposed with Billy's dark humor adds depth to his character and highlights the tension between faith and despair.
  • The abruptness of the execution, with the hangman prematurely opening the trap door, serves as a shocking moment that emphasizes the brutality of the act. However, this could be further enhanced by building more tension leading up to the execution, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the moment more profoundly.
  • Lilly's reaction to the execution is a crucial emotional anchor for the audience, but her response could be expanded to show a more visceral reaction. This would help to convey the horror of the situation more effectively and allow the audience to connect with her emotional turmoil.
  • The transition from the hanging room to the outside world is stark, and while it serves to illustrate the aftermath of the execution, the shift could benefit from a more gradual transition that reflects the characters' emotional states. This would enhance the narrative flow and provide a clearer connection between the two settings.
  • The introduction of the newspaper boy selling the Daily Sketch adds a layer of societal commentary, but the dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of simply stating the headline, consider incorporating a line that reflects the public's perception of Billy, which would deepen the thematic exploration of justice and media sensationalism.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a brief exchange between Marshall and Lilly before the execution to heighten the emotional stakes and allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Expand Lilly's reaction to the execution by including her internal thoughts or a brief flashback to her interactions with Billy, which would create a stronger emotional resonance.
  • Introduce a brief moment of hesitation or doubt from the executioner before the trap door opens, which could serve to heighten the tension and make the execution feel even more harrowing.
  • Incorporate a visual motif or sound cue that signifies the transition from the hanging room to the outside world, such as the sound of the trap door or a bell tolling, to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the newspaper boy to reflect the sensationalism of the media, perhaps by including a line that hints at the public's mixed feelings about Billy's execution, which would add depth to the societal commentary.



Scene 59 -  A Gift of Love and Hope
159 INT. COUNTRY COTTAGE, ESSEX. DAY 159
Other than a lick of paint it is perfect. Sarah turns to the
children.
SARAH SNEDDON
This is a gift from Daddy to us.
The kids look up as if to heaven. Annie blows a kiss.
XING FU
And this is also from daddy.
He hands Sarah a purse. She opens it and tips the contents
onto the table. It contains golden Guinea's.
SARAH SNEDDON
How much is......
XING FU
A hundred guineas.
Sarah looks petrified. In a good way.
LILLY FORTUNE
Billy told me to tell you he loves
you all very much and will look
over you every day.
Sarah hugs Annie and Luke.
LOCAL CHILD
Do you want to play footie?
The local children shout over to Luke and Annie to come and
play. They look friendly and fun.
ANNIE SNEDDON
Can we mummy?
Sarah nods, and the kids run towards the stream .
SARAH SNEDDON
Yes, of course, go and play.
Marshall looks on as Lilly hugs a tearful Sarah.
SARAH SNEDDON (CONT'D)
(to Lilly)
How can I ever thank you enough?

Lilly looks around at Marshall.

LILLY FORTUNE
Don’t thank me.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a charming Essex cottage, Sarah Sneddon shares with her children that their father gifted them the home. Xing Fu surprises her with a purse of a hundred golden guineas, leaving her both shocked and grateful. Lilly Fortune delivers a heartfelt message from Billy, assuring the family of his love and protection. As local children invite Luke and Annie to play, Sarah expresses her gratitude to Lilly, who humbly deflects it. The scene captures a heartwarming moment of community support amidst Sarah's emotional struggle with her husband's loss.
Strengths
  • Emotional resonance
  • Character development
  • Family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of depth in dialogue
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of hope and emotional closure, with strong character moments and a focus on family bonds. However, it could benefit from a bit more depth in exploring the characters' emotions and the impact of their past experiences.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting anew after facing adversity is a powerful and relatable theme. The scene effectively conveys the idea of finding hope and love in the midst of challenges.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the characters' emotional journey towards a fresh start, providing closure to past conflicts and setting the stage for a new chapter in their lives.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting gratitude and community support, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth. The dialogue feels genuine and heartfelt, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Sarah showing strength and vulnerability, the children displaying resilience, and Billy's memory adding a poignant touch. The interactions feel genuine and heartfelt.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a subtle but significant change as they transition from a place of turmoil and grief to one of hope and renewal. Sarah finds strength in her role as a mother, and the children embrace the opportunity for a fresh start.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel grateful and overwhelmed with emotion at the generosity and love shown by others. This reflects her deeper need for support and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to express gratitude and navigate the new environment with her children. This reflects the immediate circumstances of receiving a gift and interacting with the local community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene is low on conflict, focusing more on emotional resolution and new beginnings. The conflict is mostly internal, as the characters come to terms with their past and look towards the future.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the conflict primarily internal as the protagonist grapples with feelings of gratitude and indebtedness.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional resolution and new beginnings rather than intense conflict or danger.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing closure to past conflicts and setting the stage for a new chapter in the characters' lives. It serves as a turning point in their journey towards healing and growth.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the emotional beats and character interactions, but the genuine emotions and heartfelt moments keep the audience invested.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between self-reliance and accepting help from others. Sarah struggles with feeling indebted to Lilly and Marshall while also appreciating their kindness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, love, and gratitude. The tender moments between the characters and the sense of closure contribute to the emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is heartfelt and authentic, capturing the emotions of the characters in a realistic manner. However, it could benefit from a bit more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, genuine character interactions, and the sense of community and support portrayed.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building emotional tension and allowing for moments of reflection and connection between characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of hope and new beginnings for Sarah and her children after the trauma they have experienced. The dialogue is simple yet poignant, particularly Sarah's expression of gratitude and the children's excitement, which adds emotional depth.
  • The introduction of the purse containing golden guineas serves as a tangible symbol of Billy's love and support, reinforcing the theme of familial bonds even in the face of adversity. However, the dialogue could be enhanced to better reflect Sarah's emotional journey, as her initial shock at the money could be expanded to include a moment of reflection on what it means for her family's future.
  • The interaction between the local children and Luke and Annie is a nice touch, suggesting a sense of community and acceptance. However, the transition from the emotional weight of the previous scene to this lighter moment feels slightly abrupt. A brief moment of Sarah's internal conflict or hesitation before allowing her children to play could add depth to her character and highlight her protective instincts.
  • Lilly's role as a supportive figure is clear, but her dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of deflecting Sarah's gratitude, she could share a personal sentiment about Billy, which would deepen the emotional connection between the characters and provide a more satisfying resolution to their relationship.
  • The visual description of the cottage being 'perfect' with 'a lick of paint' is somewhat vague. More specific details about the cottage's appearance could enhance the setting and evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience, allowing them to visualize the new beginning more vividly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Sarah reflects on the significance of the guineas, perhaps contemplating how they will help her rebuild her family's life, which would deepen her character's emotional arc.
  • Introduce a brief internal conflict for Sarah before she allows her children to play, showcasing her protective nature and the lingering trauma from their past experiences.
  • Enhance Lilly's dialogue to include a personal anecdote about Billy, which would create a more profound emotional connection and provide closure for Sarah regarding her husband's love.
  • Add more descriptive details about the cottage to create a vivid image for the audience, emphasizing its beauty and the hope it represents for Sarah and her children.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of silence or reflection after the children run off to play, allowing Sarah and Lilly to share a quiet moment that acknowledges the weight of their past while embracing the future.



Scene 60 -  Chaos at Westminster Hall
160 EXT. WESTMINSTER HALL. EVENING 160

The carriage arrives at a reception which Lilly and Xing are
attending.

Uniformed butlers attend to the beautifully dressed guests as
they arrive in grand style.

Marshall gets down from the carriages and helps first Xing
and then Lilly.

XING FU
Are you sure you won’t stay
Marshall?
Marshall is in two minds.

LILLY FORTUNE
Two ladies to dance with can’t
possibly be beyond you surely.

Marshall smiles.

MARSHALL
I have the Orrock murder to be
getting on with. Besides, I will
see you both in court tomorrow.

Marshall raises Xing's hand and kisses it.

XING FU
Such a gentleman.
He then takes Lilly’s hands and kisses it.
MARSHALL
Have a wonderful evening. You
deserve it.
Marshall is still holding Lilly’s hand when unexpectedly she
kisses him on the lips once.
The other guests baulk as Marshall goes bright red.

161 INT. WESTMINSTER HALL. EVENING 161
Guests wait in line inside the hall. As each is called
forward, they are announced and shown their seating.
Lilly and Xing are waiting to hang their cloaks.
XING FU
You shouldn’t have done that.
LILLY FORTUNE
Done what?
XING FU
English men don’t like PDA.
Lilly looks confused.
XING FU (CONT'D)
Public displays of affection.

LILLY FORTUNE
Ah. He and I are....well. Noted.

A Gentleman carrying a Doctors case bumps into Xing.

GENTLEMAN
(American)
Forgive me ladies. I just need to
get my cloak.
(raises his case)
No rest for the wicked.

Xing and Lilly face the Gentleman who seems in a rush.

XING FU
Of course Doctor.

The Gentleman steps forward and goes out of sight.

Edward Carson calls over.

EDWARD CARSON
Lilly, how are you. Have you met my
friend...
Lilly pulls a face towards Xing who is at the front of the
line. She indicates for Lilly to go and mingle.
XING FU
Someone has to talk to him
(conspiratorial Laugh)
You go. I will come and find you.
Lilly smiles.
LILLY FORTUNE
I will get us a drink.
Xing watches as Lilly walk over to Carson and his friends.
Without warning an explosion rips through the entrance hall.
The cloak room takes much of the blast with debris scattered.
Xing Fu is thrown across the room.
From Xing’s POV: she looks across the hall where the faces of
those caught in the blast are contorted, mouths are open but
there is no sound.
Xing’s cheeks are burned. Her hair is singed. There is blood
seeping from her ears.
Lilly gets up from the floor and staggers over to Xing.
Xing's eyes are open, but she is in shock.
Lilly lifts Xing by her shoulders and hugs her.
LILLY FORTUNE (CONT'D)
Xing. Xing.

For Xing there is silence.

She can hear nothing and passes out in Lilly's arms.
FADE OUT.

END TITLES
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary At a reception in Westminster Hall, Lilly and Xing arrive in a carriage, where they share a flirtatious moment with Marshall, culminating in an unexpected kiss from Lilly. As they mingle with guests, including an American gentleman and Edward Carson, an explosion suddenly disrupts the event, causing chaos and injuring Xing, who loses consciousness in Lilly's arms. The scene shifts from light-hearted interactions to a traumatic aftermath, leaving Lilly in shock as she cradles her friend.
Strengths
  • Effective build-up of tension
  • Realistic portrayal of chaos and shock
  • Emotive character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a high level of tension and suspense, effectively conveying the shock and chaos of the explosion. The sudden turn of events keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a sudden explosion at a high-society event adds a unique and dramatic element to the scene, elevating the tension and creating a memorable moment. The concept is executed well, keeping the audience on edge.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is driven by the unexpected explosion, leading to a shift in the narrative and character dynamics. The event raises the stakes and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a sudden explosion that disrupts the elegant reception, adding a fresh and unexpected twist to the familiar setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions to the explosion are authentic and emotive, showcasing their vulnerability and shock. The scene allows for character growth and exploration of their resilience in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a change in their emotional state and perspective due to the traumatic event, showing resilience and vulnerability in the face of danger. The explosion marks a turning point for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Marshall's internal goal in this scene is to balance his duty to investigate the Orrock murder with his desire to spend time with Lilly and Xing. This reflects his internal conflict between his sense of responsibility and his personal relationships.

External Goal: 7

Marshall's external goal is to attend the reception and see Lilly and Xing before the court hearing the next day. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high due to the sudden explosion and its aftermath, creating chaos and endangering the characters. The conflict drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unexpected explosion creating a difficult and dangerous situation for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters' lives are endangered by the explosion, leading to a sense of urgency and danger. The outcome of the event has far-reaching consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a significant event that alters the narrative trajectory and sets the stage for further developments. The explosion adds complexity and depth to the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden explosion that disrupts the elegant reception, catching the characters and the audience off guard.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the cultural norms of public displays of affection and Lilly's spontaneous kiss to Marshall. This challenges the characters' beliefs and values, especially Xing's comment on English men not liking PDA.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the audience, evoking fear, shock, and sadness through the portrayal of the characters' reactions to the explosion. The intensity of the moment lingers with the viewers.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and chaos of the situation. The characters' interactions are realistic and add to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the unexpected explosion, and the emotional impact of the events that unfold.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense leading up to the explosion, creating a sense of urgency and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue formatting, scene headings, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear scene descriptions, character interactions, and a dramatic event that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation with the contrast between the elegant reception and the impending chaos of the explosion. However, the transition from a light-hearted moment to a violent event feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out by foreshadowing the explosion earlier in the scene, perhaps through subtle hints or background noise that suggests something is amiss.
  • Marshall's interactions with Lilly and Xing are charming and establish their relationships well. However, the kiss from Lilly feels somewhat out of character given the context. It might benefit from more buildup or a clearer motivation for her action, as it currently seems to serve primarily as a plot device to create shock.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines, particularly Xing's explanation of PDA, could be more natural. It feels a bit expository and could be integrated into the conversation more fluidly. Consider using subtext or humor to convey cultural differences without explicitly stating them.
  • The explosion serves as a dramatic climax, but the aftermath could be more visceral. While the visual description of Xing's injuries is effective, the emotional impact on the characters could be deepened. Consider adding internal thoughts or flashbacks to enhance the gravity of the situation for both Lilly and Xing.
  • The pacing of the scene shifts dramatically from a social gathering to chaos. While this can be effective, ensuring that the audience has a moment to absorb the shock before moving on to the next action can enhance the emotional weight. A brief pause or a moment of silence before the explosion could heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Introduce subtle foreshadowing of the explosion earlier in the scene, such as unusual sounds or a tense atmosphere, to create a sense of impending danger.
  • Consider adding more buildup to Lilly's kiss, perhaps through a shared moment or a conversation that hints at deeper feelings, to make the action feel more organic.
  • Revise Xing's dialogue about PDA to sound more natural and less expository. Use humor or subtext to convey cultural differences without overtly stating them.
  • Enhance the emotional aftermath of the explosion by including internal thoughts or flashbacks for Lilly and Xing, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with their experiences.
  • Allow for a brief moment of silence or stillness before the explosion to give the audience a chance to absorb the social atmosphere, making the transition to chaos more impactful.