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Scene 1 -  The King of Men Takes the Stage
EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCA 1850’S- DAY

A mid-nineteenth century circus unfurls. Colorful tents rise
against the blue sky, where laughter and gasps mingle in the
air. We catch fleeting glimpses of the attractions: a MAN
SWALLOWING FIRE, a BEARDED WOMAN casting a playful wink,
LITTLE PEOPLE JOUSTING on ELEPHANTS, and more.

We focus on a grand stage facing a sea of eager faces. JAKE,
(31, 6’4), looks dapper in his RINGMASTER outfit as he is
lowered onto the stage by CORDS, Peter Pan style, while a
DRUMROLL echoes, igniting WILD APPLAUSE from the audience. He
silences the crowd with a thrash of his hand.

JAKE
Save your applause, ladies and
gentlemen. Please. Save as much of
it as you can, because believe me,
I have seen aberrations that defy
the laws of God and science, but no
other oddity or freak of nature
could have prepared me for what you
are about to witness. I present to
you the unholy offspring of angel
and neanderthal... When I found
this man, in Nova Scotia, he was
tipping the bilge water out of a
ship... Do not be fooled ladies and
gentlemen, the creature you see
here today is no more than a man,
no, but simply put, he is the very
most of Man. Today, I give you the
one they call... The King of Men.

An orchestra starts playing “ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA.” As the
music swells, a bright light blazes behind a curtain,
revealing the silhouette of something that looks like it
could wrestle God. The music swells again and the curtain
drops, revealing ANGUS MACASKILL, 31, impossibly tall,
inhumanly broad, with rippling forearms, biceps, quads,
etc... Hair covers most of his chest. A warm, pained smile
graces his handsome face. The crowd goes deathly silent. Then
erupts— gasping, clapping, a wave of energy.

As the music continues to build, Angus steps forward,
effortlessly lifting Jake up under the armpits and raising
him high like a rag doll.

Angus playfully throws Jake up and down like a toddler. Jake
grins from ear to ear and kicks out his feet with glee as his
eyes start to well up with joy.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Fantasy"]

Summary In a vibrant mid-nineteenth century circus, the charismatic Ringmaster Jake introduces the main attraction, Angus MacAskill, hailed as the 'King of Men.' As the curtain rises, the audience gasps at Angus's impressive size. A playful interaction ensues as Angus lifts Jake, showcasing his strength and creating a joyful bond between them. The scene culminates in a celebratory atmosphere, with Angus tossing Jake in the air, leaving the audience filled with excitement and wonder.
Strengths
  • Captivating introduction of Angus MacAskill
  • Strong performances by the actors
  • Effective use of music and staging
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Conflict level could be higher

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a sense of wonder and amazement through the grandiose introduction of Angus MacAskill, creating a captivating atmosphere for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a mysterious and awe-inspiring character in a circus setting is engaging and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 7.5

The plot is advanced by introducing Angus MacAskill as a central figure with a unique presence, setting the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as Angus MacAskill's larger-than-life presence and Jake's charismatic ringmaster persona. The dialogue and actions feel authentic to the time period and setting, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Angus MacAskill and Jake, are well-defined and intriguing, with clear motivations and contrasting personalities that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the introduction of Angus MacAskill sets the stage for potential changes and growth in the characters involved.

Internal Goal: 9

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to impress and entertain the audience with his introduction of Angus MacAskill as 'The King of Men.' This reflects his desire for recognition, validation, and success in his role as the ringmaster.

External Goal: 8

Jake's external goal is to captivate the audience and create a sense of wonder and awe with the introduction of Angus MacAskill. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining the circus's reputation and attracting spectators.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is a sense of anticipation and potential conflict in the scene, the conflict level is relatively low as the focus is more on introducing a key character.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jake faces the challenge of impressing the audience and maintaining the circus's reputation. The tension between spectacle and authenticity adds complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively high in terms of the impact Angus MacAskill's presence may have on the circus and the characters involved, setting the stage for potential conflicts and challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key character and setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of Angus MacAskill and the audience's reaction to his presence. The tension and excitement keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of spectacle and entertainment versus authenticity and humanity. Jake's grandiose introduction of Angus as 'The King of Men' raises questions about exploitation and the blurred lines between reality and performance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of wonder, awe, and joy in the audience, creating an emotional connection through the larger-than-life presence of Angus MacAskill.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively builds anticipation and establishes the larger-than-life persona of Angus MacAskill, but could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in certain exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its vivid descriptions, dramatic tension, and larger-than-life characters. The buildup of suspense and reveal of Angus MacAskill captivates the audience and creates a sense of wonder.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, creating suspense, and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a circus setting in a screenplay, with a clear introduction, buildup of tension, and reveal of the main attraction. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively sets the tone and atmosphere of the circus, immersing the audience in a vibrant and whimsical world. However, the description of the attractions could be more concise to maintain the pacing and focus on the main characters.
  • Jake's introduction as the Ringmaster is engaging, but the dialogue could be tightened. Phrases like 'the unholy offspring of angel and neanderthal' may come off as overly dramatic and could be simplified to enhance clarity and impact.
  • The contrast between Jake's charisma and Angus's imposing presence is well-established, but the scene could benefit from more visual cues that highlight their relationship. For instance, showing Jake's initial nervousness or excitement before Angus appears could deepen their dynamic.
  • The moment when Angus lifts Jake is joyful and playful, but it might be more impactful if Jake's reaction included a brief internal thought or reflection, adding depth to his character and showcasing his emotional state.
  • The use of 'ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA' is a strong choice, but consider how the music interacts with the audience's reactions. Describing the audience's response to the music could enhance the atmosphere and build anticipation for Angus's reveal.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the descriptions of the circus attractions to maintain focus on Jake and Angus. Consider using fewer adjectives and more active verbs to create a more dynamic opening.
  • Revise Jake's dialogue to make it more relatable and less theatrical. Simplifying his introduction could make it more accessible to the audience.
  • Incorporate more physicality in Jake's demeanor before Angus's reveal to emphasize his excitement or anxiety, which would create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or reaction from Jake when Angus lifts him to showcase his joy and vulnerability, enhancing the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Consider including a moment where the audience reacts to the music before Angus's reveal, which could heighten the tension and excitement leading up to the big moment.



Scene 2 -  Ties That Bind
INT. DRESSING ROOM- 2025- DAY

Jake is still lost in the daydream, still lovingly fixed on
his mental image of Angus as the music reaches it’s final
crescendo. Except he’s not at a mid-nineteenth century
circus. Nor is he dressed like a ringmaster. He’s in a modern
dressing room, wearing a suit. SAM, (33, 5’8”, sharp tux) is
tying Jake’s tie for him and is mid-sentence about something.

SAM
...before we leave. It’ll be fun.

Jake’s eyes start to water. He hurriedly wipes them.

SAM (CONT’D)
Where did you just go?

JAKE
Zoned out... Nowhere... Sorry.

SAM
Were you thinking about Angus?

Jake doesn’t respond.

SAM (CONT’D)
Jakey... try to be fully present
today? Please?

JAKE
Mhm.

SAM
(referencing Jake’s head)
You already know I’m genuinely
jealous of how much fun you have in
there... If I spent that much time
in this brain?!

Sam finger gun blasts his brains out.

SAM (CONT’D)
But I need my brother out here
today, ok? Hang out with your
special interest tomorrow.

JAKE
Special interest? You wouldn’t
happen to be readin’ from the DSM-
5, would ya?

SAM
You know what I mean... Rebecca and
I aren’t asking for a lot.
(MORE)
SAM (CONT’D)
We’re letting you sit in the back
for the ceremony. But we want
funny, interesting Jake to show up
at the reception. Can you give us
that?

JAKE
When is the reception again?

SAM
6:00.

JAKE
Don’t know if I can stop being
autistic that fast.

Sam pauses for a second and then chuckles. Jake smiles.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a modern dressing room, Jake daydreams about Angus while Sam helps him prepare for a ceremony and reception. Sam encourages Jake to stay present and engage with the event, playfully addressing Jake's tendency to zone out due to his autism. Their light-hearted banter highlights Jake's internal struggle with socializing, culminating in a humorous exchange about the challenges he faces. The scene captures the balance between humor and the seriousness of Jake's situation, ending on a light note as Jake jokes about his social difficulties.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively delves into the emotional complexities of sibling relationships, particularly when one sibling has unique needs. The dialogue is authentic and the characters are well-developed, creating a poignant and relatable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of exploring family dynamics, particularly in the context of neurodiversity, is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively conveys the challenges and joys of supporting a loved one with unique needs.

Plot: 7.8

While the plot progression is subtle in this scene, the focus on character development and relationship dynamics drives the narrative forward. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by individuals on the autism spectrum, presenting a nuanced portrayal of a character navigating social expectations and personal identity. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the complexity of human emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 8.7

The characters are richly developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging, drawing the audience into their emotional journey.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters experience subtle shifts in their perspectives and behaviors, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes. The scene lays the groundwork for deeper character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his emotions and stay present in the moment, despite his tendency to daydream and get lost in his thoughts. This reflects his deeper need for connection with his brother and the desire to be fully present for important events.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to be a funny and interesting version of himself at the reception, as requested by his brother and Rebecca. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing his personal interests with social expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with communication and understanding. While there are no overt external conflicts, the tension between the brothers adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming. Jake's internal struggles and external challenges provide obstacles that drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships. While there are no life-or-death situations, the emotional stakes are high for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships. It sets up important emotional and thematic threads for future storylines.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional revelations. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complexities of the characters' relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between Jake's unique way of experiencing the world as someone on the autism spectrum and the expectations placed on him by his brother and society. This challenges Jake's beliefs about his own identity and how he is perceived by others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in its portrayal of the challenges and joys of sibling relationships. The vulnerability and authenticity of the characters enhance the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue is natural and impactful, revealing the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters. It effectively conveys the complexities of sibling relationships and the challenges of understanding and supporting each other.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the emotional depth of the dialogue, and the relatable themes of identity and connection. The humor adds levity to the scene and keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a natural progression of events. The dialogue flows smoothly and contributes to the development of the characters and their relationships.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the vibrant atmosphere of the circus to a modern setting, showcasing Jake's daydreaming and his emotional connection to Angus. However, the contrast between the two settings could be emphasized more to highlight Jake's internal struggle and longing for the past.
  • The dialogue between Jake and Sam is engaging and provides insight into their relationship, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, Sam's jealousy could be explored further to add depth to his character and his feelings about Jake's autism.
  • Jake's humor about his autism is a strong point, but the line about not being able to stop being autistic could be perceived as insensitive. It might be more effective to frame it in a way that reflects Jake's self-awareness and acceptance of his identity rather than as a punchline.
  • The emotional stakes in this scene could be heightened. While Jake's daydreaming is poignant, the stakes of the reception and what it means for him could be made clearer. Why is it important for him to be present? What does he fear about the reception?
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit uneven. The transition from Jake's daydream to the conversation with Sam could be smoother, perhaps by incorporating more visual or auditory cues that bridge the two worlds.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief visual or auditory element that signifies Jake's transition from the daydream to reality, such as a sound from the dressing room that snaps him back to the present.
  • Explore Sam's character further by giving him a moment of vulnerability or frustration about Jake's daydreaming, which could deepen their relationship and provide more context for his requests.
  • Rephrase Jake's line about autism to reflect a more nuanced understanding of his identity, perhaps by expressing a desire to engage with the world despite his challenges.
  • Incorporate more stakes into the scene by having Jake express specific fears or anxieties about the reception, which would make his struggle to be present more relatable and impactful.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain a brisk pace while ensuring that each line serves a purpose in character development or plot progression.



Scene 3 -  A Photo of Tension
EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL- DAY

Sam is being held up sideways by his seven groomsmen. Jake is
standing at the edge of the group, sort of lending a hand to
help hold up Sam’s feet. VANESSA, (35, PHOTOGRAPHER) takes
the picture. They put Sam down.

VANESSA
Can we do one silly one?

The groomsmen put on a mildly silly face or put bunny ears
behind the groom’s head. Jake pushes both his lips up and
into his gums so that they stick, baring his teeth and gum
line. Vanessa takes the picture.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Ok great... And then, last one I
think. We need Sam and Jake... Real
quick, guys?

SAM
Jakey’s taken enough pics today.

JAKE
I don’t mind.

Sam begrudgingly nods.

SAM
Let’s do it.

Jake notices that Sam seems a little uncomfortable.


Jake puts his hand around Sam’s opposite shoulder. He notices
Sam subtly straightening upward to be as tall as he can
possibly be. Jake pauses to think for a second, then bends at
the knees to make himself Sam’s height. He’s genuinely
surprised when he hears laughter from groomsmen and
bridesmaids alike. Sam reflexively laughs along.

VANESSA
Why don’t we try that again.

JAKE
Was it not...

Jake references chest height.

SAM
(under his breath)
Fuck you.

JAKE
Sorry...

She takes the picture again. People start to disperse. Two
BRIDESMAIDS, LUCY AND RACHEL, (early 30’s) both give Jake
lingering glances. He doesn’t notice. They notice each other
both staring at him and laugh.

Sam has a bit of venom in his stare as he watches Jake walk
away.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Outside a banquet hall, groom Sam is held up by his groomsmen for a photo. Photographer Vanessa prompts a silly picture, leading to laughter as Jake, one of the groomsmen, bends down to match Sam's height. Despite Jake's attempt to lighten the mood, Sam feels uncomfortable and resentful. As the group disperses, bridesmaids Lucy and Rachel exchange glances at Jake, while Sam watches him walk away with a bitter expression, highlighting the underlying tension.
Strengths
  • Natural character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Authentic portrayal of relationships
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively balances humor, character interactions, and a touch of tension, creating an engaging and entertaining moment within the larger narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of capturing the characters in a candid and humorous moment during a wedding photoshoot is engaging and adds a layer of depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The scene contributes to the plot by further developing the relationships between the characters and setting up potential conflicts or resolutions in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the typical wedding photoshoot scenario by focusing on the internal thoughts and emotions of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and the interactions are relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic. The scene allows for character growth and showcases their personalities effectively.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics, particularly between Jake and Sam, but no significant character changes occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal is to maintain his composure and go along with the photographer's requests, despite feeling uncomfortable and frustrated with Jake's behavior.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the wedding photoshoot and ensure everything goes smoothly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a subtle tension between the characters, the conflict level is relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and camaraderie.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with subtle conflicts and tensions that add depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and humor rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between the characters and setting up potential conflicts or resolutions for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and subtle character dynamics that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Sam's desire to maintain control and composure, and Jake's more carefree and playful attitude. This challenges Sam's beliefs about how he should behave in social situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits amusement and empathy from the audience, creating an emotional connection through humor and character dynamics.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, natural, and contributes to the humor and dynamics of the scene. It reveals insights into the characters' relationships and personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters and the humorous moments that keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue. It progresses smoothly and contributes to the overall narrative arc.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the light-hearted atmosphere of a wedding, showcasing the camaraderie among the groomsmen and the playful dynamic between Jake and Sam. However, the humor could be enhanced by adding more distinct character traits or quirks to the groomsmen, making their interactions more memorable.
  • Jake's physical comedy, such as bending down to match Sam's height, is a strong moment that highlights his character's willingness to support his friend. However, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict for Jake, as his actions seem to lack deeper emotional stakes. Exploring his feelings about being in the spotlight or his relationship with Sam could add depth.
  • The dialogue flows well, but some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly Sam's 'Fuck you' line, which could be rephrased to maintain the playful tone without being overly explicit. Subtlety in humor can often resonate more with the audience.
  • The bridesmaids' lingering glances at Jake introduce a potential romantic subplot, but it feels underdeveloped in this scene. Their reactions could be expanded to create more tension or intrigue, perhaps by having them exchange a few words or a playful comment about Jake.
  • Sam's resentment towards Jake is hinted at but not fully explored. Providing a clearer motivation for Sam's discomfort could enhance the emotional stakes of the scene. Is he feeling overshadowed by Jake's antics, or is there a deeper issue at play?
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Jake reflects on his feelings about being part of the wedding party, which could provide insight into his character and enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Introduce a unique quirk or catchphrase for one or more of the groomsmen to make their characters more distinct and memorable, adding to the humor and camaraderie of the group.
  • Rework Sam's 'Fuck you' line to something more playful or sarcastic that fits the tone of the scene, such as a light-hearted jab that maintains the camaraderie without being too harsh.
  • Expand on the bridesmaids' reactions to Jake by including a brief exchange that hints at their interest in him, which could set up future interactions and add a layer of romantic tension.
  • Explore Sam's feelings of resentment more explicitly, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a visual cue that indicates his discomfort with Jake's attention, which could create a more complex dynamic between the two characters.



Scene 4 -  Vows and Distractions
EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL- AFTERNOON

The ceremony is underway. Sam is looking distracted, standing
at the alter across from the BRIDE, REBECCA, (31, 5’8), who
is holding a microphone, reciting her vows.

REBECCA
...the way you show up for your
friends, your parents, your
colleagues at work... the amazing
ways you show up for your
brother...

During her vows, Sam keeps subtly straightening upward,
struggling to gain a fraction of an inch over his eye-level
bride.


INT. BATHROOM STALL INSIDE BANQUET HALL- SIMULTANEOUS

Jake sits on the toilet, pants ON, playing DOODLE JUMP on his
phone. We can hear Rebecca’s amplified words through the
wall.


REBECCA (O.S.)
...never ceases to amaze me. Your
character shines through in every
aspect of your...
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary During an outdoor wedding ceremony, Rebecca passionately recites her vows to Sam, praising his character and support for others. However, Sam struggles with insecurity about his height, appearing distracted as he tries to stand taller. Meanwhile, Jake remains oblivious in a bathroom stall, engrossed in a game while listening to the vows through the wall. The scene blends tension and humor, highlighting Sam's internal conflict amidst the romantic setting.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Introspective moments
  • Character relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys emotion and introspection through the contrast between the wedding ceremony and the character's private moment, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing a wedding ceremony with a character's private moment adds depth and complexity to the scene, highlighting the emotional journey of the characters.

Plot: 8

The scene contributes to the overall plot by showcasing the emotional dynamics between the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the traditional wedding ceremony setting by focusing on the internal struggles of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' emotions and relationships are effectively portrayed, adding layers to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle emotional shifts in the characters, the scene primarily focuses on introspection and emotional depth rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal in this scene is to feel taller or more powerful than his bride, reflecting his deeper insecurities or need for control.

External Goal: 6

Sam's external goal is to go through the wedding ceremony without any major mishaps or interruptions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on emotional depth and character introspection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, especially between Sam's internal struggles and Rebecca's expressions of love.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, emphasizing emotional depth and character relationships over external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene contributes to the narrative progression by deepening the emotional connections between the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like Jake playing a game in the bathroom stall during a wedding ceremony.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Sam's need for control and Rebecca's expression of love and admiration for him. This challenges Sam's beliefs about power dynamics in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the heartfelt vows and the character's introspective moment, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue captures the emotional essence of the scene, but could benefit from more depth and complexity in certain interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, drama, and relatable character dynamics to keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed transitions between different locations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a screenplay, with clear transitions between different locations and characters.


Critique
  • The juxtaposition of Sam's struggle to stand taller at the altar while Jake is obliviously playing a game in the bathroom creates an interesting contrast, highlighting the different ways characters cope with social pressure. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional connection between Sam's physical struggle and Jake's detachment. This could enhance the thematic depth of the scene, emphasizing the pressures of social expectations versus personal comfort.
  • Rebecca's vows are heartfelt, but they lack specificity that could make them more impactful. Adding a personal anecdote or a specific example of how Sam has shown up for her could deepen the emotional resonance of her words and make the audience more invested in their relationship.
  • The scene's pacing feels uneven. The transition between the wedding ceremony and Jake's bathroom stall could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two locations more effectively, such as a close-up of Sam's face reacting to Rebecca's vows, followed by a cut to Jake's obliviousness, to create a stronger narrative flow.
  • The humor in Jake's situation is present but could be amplified. While his detachment is amusing, adding a comedic element to his actions in the bathroom—such as an unexpected interruption or a humorous thought process—could enhance the levity of the scene and provide a stronger contrast to the emotional weight of the wedding vows.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for Sam. While he is distracted, it would be beneficial to explore his internal conflict more deeply. Is he feeling inadequate compared to Rebecca? Is he worried about Jake's presence? Providing insight into his thoughts could make his character more relatable and add depth to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Rebecca's vows to include a specific story or example that illustrates her points about Sam's character. This will make her vows more memorable and impactful.
  • Enhance the transition between the wedding ceremony and Jake's bathroom stall by using a visual or auditory cue that connects the two scenes, such as a close-up of Sam's face reacting to Rebecca's vows before cutting to Jake.
  • Add a comedic element to Jake's bathroom scene, such as an unexpected interruption or a humorous thought process, to amplify the humor and contrast with the emotional weight of the wedding.
  • Explore Sam's internal conflict more deeply by providing insight into his thoughts and feelings during the ceremony. This will help the audience connect with his character and understand his distractions.
  • Consider incorporating a visual gag or a humorous moment in the bathroom that reflects Jake's obliviousness, such as him misinterpreting the sounds of the ceremony or getting overly engrossed in his game, to enhance the comedic aspect of the scene.



Scene 5 -  Heightened Connections
EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL- DUSK

The reception is underway. The sounds of laughter and chatter
abound. Jake stands in front of the hors d’oeurve table by
himself, TEQUILA SUNRISE in hand, snacking on prosciutto.

Suddenly, Lucy the bridesmaid interjects. She’s holding a
glass of champagne. We can kinda tell she’s had at least a
few.

LUCY
Hi...

JAKE
Hi.

LUCY
So this is kind of embarrassing,
but my friend and I were debating
about your height... Please tell me
you’re 6’4.

JAKE
Not quite.

LUCY
You’re 6’3?!

JAKE
I’m 6’3 and seven-eighths.

Pause.

LUCY
...Gotcha... I was close... You’re
Sam’s brother right?

JAKE
Indeed.

LUCY
I’m Lucy! I’ve been friends with
Rebecca for forever... How come I
didn’t see you at the ceremony?


JAKE
I’m not a huge fan of crowds. I get
stressed out in spaces where I
can’t go like this.

Jake does a unique little wiggle with his whole body.

LUCY
...I see. That’s cool. I mean,
like, yeah... that’s totally makes
sense. Haha... Anyway, I’m not
supposed to tell you this, but, my
friend thinks you’re kinda cute,
so... thought you should know.

JAKE
Thank you so much I really
appreciate that.

LUCY
...Do you wanna come say hi?

JAKE
Yeah... Absolutely.

Lucy leads Jake back towards Rachel, (5’10) also holding a
glass of champagne, also not her first. We hear Jake’s heart
THUMPING LOUDLY.

LUCY
Jake, this is Rachel.

JAKE
Sup, Rachel.

RACHEL
Ha. Sup... So what’s the verdict?

JAKE
I’m uh... 6’4.

RACHEL
Fuck. Ok. I have to do another
shot.

LUCY
(to Jake)
Don’t worry though. That’s right in
Rachel’s range.

RACHEL
Honestly, at this point, as long as
a guy is taller than me, I’m good.


JAKE
What if a guy was 7’10”? Would you
still be good?

Rachel is a bit confused.

RACHEL
...I’m gonna say no because I feel
like he wouldn’t be healthy.

Jake lights up.

JAKE
Ok... fun fact... there was a
circus performer from Scotland in
the 1850s that was 7’9.” His name
was Angus MacAskill. And reportedly
he was completely healthy.

RACHEL
...Wow.

JAKE
There’s an exact life size statue
of him in Scotland...

Jake pulls out his PHONE and shows them his HOME SCREEN. It’s
a picture of the Angus MacAskill statue.

JAKE (CONT’D)
There he is. Look at that fucker.
What an absolute unit.

RACHEL
Yeah wow.

JAKE
Those are his real clothes on there
by the way. The statue is sculpted
to his confirmed measurements from
when he was alive. He also remains
to this day, the strongest man who
ever lived.

RACHEL
...Wow.

For a while no one says anything. He points to the mostly
full Tequila Sunrise in his hand.

JAKE
Well, I think I’m gonna go grab
another one of these guys.


LUCY
Go for it.

Once he’s gone they look at each other and laugh.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary At a dusk reception outside a banquet hall, Jake stands by the hors d'oeuvre table when tipsy bridesmaid Lucy approaches him, awkwardly inquiring about his height. Their light-hearted conversation reveals Lucy's interest in Jake, and she introduces him to another tipsy friend, Rachel. They engage in playful banter about height and Angus MacAskill, a historical figure Jake admires, showcasing his charm and knowledge. The scene concludes with Jake deciding to grab another drink, leaving Lucy and Rachel to share a laugh.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Humorous banter
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with engaging dialogue, humor, and character interactions. It effectively blends comedy with informative elements, keeping the audience entertained and interested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing Jake's social interactions at the reception is well-executed. The scene effectively introduces new characters, provides information about Angus MacAskill, and sets the tone for the upcoming events.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it serves as a character-building moment for Jake and introduces new dynamics with the bridesmaids. It adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to social interactions at a wedding reception, focusing on playful banter and unique facts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with Jake's quirky personality shining through in his interactions with the bridesmaids. The bridesmaids add a new dynamic to the scene, creating engaging dialogue and humor.

Character Changes: 6

While there is some development in Jake's character through his interactions with the bridesmaids, the changes are not significant in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and potentially make a romantic connection. This reflects his desire for connection and acceptance in social settings.

External Goal: 7.5

Jake's external goal is to engage in conversation and potentially make a good impression on Rachel. This reflects the immediate challenge of socializing and connecting with others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on light-hearted banter and character interactions.

Opposition: 6.5

The opposition in the scene is mild, with social challenges and expectations providing a small obstacle for the characters to navigate. The uncertainty of social interactions adds a layer of tension.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on light-hearted interactions and character development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new dynamics and relationships between characters, setting the stage for future interactions and events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn in conversation topics and the playful banter between characters. The audience is kept on their toes with the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal norms and expectations regarding height in relationships. It challenges the characters' beliefs about physical attributes and their importance in attraction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene elicits amusement and curiosity from the audience, but doesn't delve deep into emotional depth. It serves more as a light-hearted moment in the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and informative. It effectively conveys the personalities of the characters and keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, playful interactions, and the potential for romantic tension. The characters' banter keeps the audience interested and entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and engagement through the characters' interactions and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience interested and entertained.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction at a social event, with clear character cues and dialogue tags.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction at a social event, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's awkwardness and social anxiety, which is a consistent theme throughout the screenplay. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the tension and humor. For instance, Lucy's initial approach could hint at her own insecurities or motivations, making the interaction more layered.
  • Jake's knowledge about Angus MacAskill is a great character trait that adds depth to his personality. However, the transition from casual conversation to a detailed monologue about MacAskill feels abrupt. It might be more engaging if Jake's passion for MacAskill is triggered by a question or comment from Rachel, allowing for a more natural flow of conversation.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The initial interaction between Jake and Lucy is engaging, but the shift to Rachel feels rushed. Consider adding a moment where Jake processes Lucy's compliment before moving on to meet Rachel, which would allow for a more organic buildup of tension.
  • The humor in the scene is effective, particularly with Jake's quirky facts and the playful banter about height. However, the punchlines could be stronger. For example, Rachel's reaction to Jake's height could be more exaggerated or humorous to enhance the comedic effect.
  • The scene ends with Jake leaving to grab another drink, which feels like an anticlimactic conclusion. It might be more impactful if the scene ended on a moment of connection or a humorous misunderstanding that leaves the audience wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Introduce more subtext in Lucy's dialogue to hint at her own feelings or motivations, which could create a richer interaction.
  • Consider having Rachel prompt Jake's monologue about Angus MacAskill, making it feel more like a natural progression of the conversation rather than a sudden shift.
  • Add a brief moment of hesitation or reflection for Jake after Lucy's compliment before he meets Rachel, allowing for a more gradual transition.
  • Strengthen the humor by exaggerating Rachel's reaction to Jake's height or by adding a witty comeback that showcases Jake's personality.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to include a moment of connection or a humorous twist that leaves the audience with a memorable impression of Jake's character.



Scene 6 -  Unexpected Giants
INT. BATHROOM STALL INSIDE BANQUET HALL- MINUTES LATER

Jake sits on the toilet, once again with his pants ON,
playing DOODLE JUMP on his phone and sipping on his Tequila
Sunrise. The distant sounds of music, laughter, and chatter
spill through the walls.

The sound of NOTICEABLY HEAVY FOOTSTEPS comes into the
bathroom. Out of the corner of his eye, Jake sees TWO
IMPOSSIBLY LARGE FEET walk up to the urinal next to his
stall. Jake cannot believe the absurd size of these feet.

What follows is AN IMPOSSIBLY DEEP AND POWERFUL SOUNDING
PISS. Jake is increasingly amazed as the stream reverberates
through the restroom like thunder. At it’s apex it sounds
like a firehose hitting an iron vault.

The stream finally subsides into a faint trickle before
petering out. Jake hears the sound of a giant zipper being
zipped, then the giant feet walk out of the bathroom with
more heavy footsteps.

Jake grins like he’s just seen an old friend.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a light-hearted bathroom scene, Jake sits fully clothed on the toilet, engrossed in a game on his phone. He is startled by the presence of unusually large feet at the urinal next to him, followed by an astonishingly powerful stream of urine. After the sound subsides and the giant feet exit, Jake is left amused by the absurdity of the situation, grinning as if he has just encountered an old friend.
Strengths
  • Humorous and surprising encounter
  • Effective execution of comedic elements
  • Unique and memorable moment
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, absurdity, and surprise to create an entertaining and memorable moment. The interaction between Jake and the giant man adds a unique and unexpected element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake encountering an impossibly large man in a bathroom stall is creative and adds a unique twist to the story. It showcases Jake's ability to find humor in unexpected situations.

Plot: 7.5

The plot of the scene focuses on the unexpected encounter between Jake and the giant man, adding a comedic element to the overall story. It serves to highlight Jake's quirky personality.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a mundane activity like using the bathroom in a comedic and exaggerated manner. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unexpected.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jake and the giant man are well-developed in this scene, with Jake's humor and the giant man's surprising presence creating an engaging dynamic. The scene adds depth to Jake's character.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does provide insight into Jake's ability to find humor in unexpected situations.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to find amusement and distraction from the social event happening outside the bathroom stall. This reflects his desire to escape from the pressures or discomfort of the social gathering.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to use the bathroom and have a moment of privacy. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding a quiet space in a crowded and noisy environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on humor and surprise rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as Jake is faced with an unexpected and bizarre situation.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and entertainment rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 6

The scene adds a comedic element to the story and provides a brief moment of entertainment, but it does not significantly move the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the impossibly large feet and the exaggerated sound effects of the urination.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between the mundane act of using the bathroom and the absurdity of the situation with the impossibly large feet. This challenges Jake's perception of normalcy and reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits amusement and curiosity from the audience, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective, with Jake's internal thoughts and reactions adding to the humor and absurdity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, absurdity, and the element of surprise. The vivid descriptions and character reactions draw the reader in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation, leading to a satisfying payoff with the reveal of the impossibly large feet.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that flow smoothly.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedic moment in a screenplay, with a clear setup, escalation, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to create a light-hearted moment, showcasing Jake's unique perspective and ability to find amusement in an absurd situation. However, the reliance on bathroom humor may not resonate with all audiences and could risk alienating viewers who prefer more sophisticated comedy.
  • The description of the sound effects, particularly the powerful stream of urine, is vivid and imaginative, but it may come off as excessive or juvenile for some viewers. Balancing this with more character-driven dialogue or introspection could enhance the scene's depth.
  • Jake's reaction to the giant feet and the sound is amusing, but the scene lacks emotional stakes or character development. It would benefit from a moment of reflection or insight from Jake that ties this humorous encounter back to his character arc or the themes of the screenplay.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the humor is engaging, it might be helpful to include a brief moment that connects Jake's previous interactions with Lucy and Rachel to his current state in the bathroom, reinforcing his social awkwardness and desire to escape the reception.
  • The scene could also explore Jake's thoughts or feelings about the wedding and his place in the social dynamics at play. This would provide a richer context for his amusement and help the audience connect more deeply with his character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Jake that reflects on his feelings about the wedding or his social interactions, which could enhance the humor while providing character depth.
  • To maintain a balance between humor and sophistication, consider toning down the bathroom humor slightly and incorporating more clever wordplay or situational comedy that aligns with Jake's character.
  • Introduce a moment where Jake compares the giant feet or the powerful stream to something from his interests, like a historical figure or a train, to tie the humor back to his character's unique perspective.
  • Include a transition line or moment that connects Jake's previous scene with Lucy and Rachel to his current situation, reinforcing his social anxiety and desire to escape.
  • Explore the possibility of having Jake overhear a snippet of conversation from the giant figure outside the stall, which could add another layer of humor or insight into his character's thoughts.



Scene 7 -  Unexpected Revelations at the Banquet
EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL- NIGHT

Everyone is seated around tables as the bride and groom go
from table to table expressing their thanks.

Jake is sitting at a table with 5 much older family members.
He has the same grin, coupled with a vacant stare. His AUNT
SHERRY, 63, is talking to him.

AUNT SHERRY
...was already dead, so they had to
pull the whole thing out.

JAKE
...Uh huh.

AUNT SHERRY
Sorry honey, am I boring you?

JAKE
No, not at all! I’m sorry, Aunt
Sherry.


Sam and Rebecca approach. Sam is kinda drunk.

SAM
Heyyy how we doin’ over here?

The table cheers.

UNCLE TODD
There they are!

AUNT SHERRY
(to Rebecca)
You look so beautiful.

REBECCA
Thank you, Sherry, how’s your
tooth?

AUNT SHERRY
They had to take it out sweetie,
but I’m feeling much better.

REBECCA
I’m glad to hear that.

Sam playfully slugs Jake’s shoulder.

SAM
There’s my little giant...
(to the group, sarcastic)
Nobody panic... But someone at this
table has been accused of info-
dumping about Angus MacAskill to
Rebecca’s friends... Anybody wanna
confess?

The family members chuckle. Aunt Sherry playfully raises her
hand.

JAKE
It was organic.

Family members start laughing.

SAM
Jakey, rule of thumb for ya...
Women don’t find Angus MacAskill
interesting.


REBECCA
Sam...


SAM
(to Rebecca)
Do you find him interesting?
Honestly?

JAKE
Huh. Well, that’s interesting,
because... I haven’t told any of
you yet, but... there is this uh,
gal I’ve been seeing recently. And
she actually thinks Angus is
fascinating, so...

REBECCA
Wait, what?!

The family members are shocked.

SAM
...Real gal or imaginary?

JAKE
...You guys think I’m that unwell?

SAM
This is a lot of information,
Jakey. You’re telling us you have a
girlfriend... And she’s real... And
she thinks Angus MacAskill is
fascinating?... That’s all correct?

JAKE
That’s correct, yes. Should I say
it standing up?

SAM
...Na you’re good. You should bring
her to the housewarming party
though.

JAKE
...What housewarming party?

SAM
We talked about this today. Our
housewarming party before we leave
for the Maldives.

JAKE
Yeah, that sounds good.

SAM
...Yes?! As in you’re actually
gonna bring her?


JAKE
Mhm.

SAM
Wow Jakey. I’m excited to meet this
girl.

JAKE
Great. We’ll be there.

REBECCA
(to the table)
Well, thank you all so much for
coming! We gotta keep it moving.

Rebecca nudges Sam and they walk away. Jake keeps eating. He
looks worried.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary At a wedding reception outside a banquet hall, Jake sits with family members, including Aunt Sherry, who shares a story. Sam, slightly drunk, teases Jake about his interest in Angus MacAskill, prompting Jake to reveal he has a girlfriend who finds Angus fascinating. This surprises the family, especially Sam, who doubts her existence. Jake reassures them and agrees to bring her to their housewarming party. The scene ends with Rebecca and Sam leaving, while Jake appears anxious about the implications of his revelation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of visual spectacle

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor with underlying tension, setting up a potential conflict with Jake's secret girlfriend. The dialogue is witty and engaging, showcasing the dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake having a secret girlfriend who shares his unique interest in Angus MacAskill adds depth to his character and sets up potential conflicts. The scene explores themes of relationships and hidden truths.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses smoothly, revealing Jake's secret and hinting at future developments. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dynamics among the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on family dynamics and social interactions at a wedding reception. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics. Jake's revelation adds complexity to his character, while Sam's playful teasing and Rebecca's reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jake's revelation of his secret girlfriend marks a change in his character, hinting at future developments and conflicts. The scene sets up potential growth and challenges for Jake.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to reveal his new relationship to his family members. This reflects his desire for acceptance and validation from his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions at the wedding reception and maintain a positive image in front of his family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is subtle but hinted at through Jake's secret and the reactions of the other characters. The tension between honesty and deception adds depth to the interactions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene comes from the family members' reactions to Jake's revelation, creating a small obstacle for him to navigate.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with the revelation of Jake's secret potentially leading to conflicts and challenges for the characters. The emotional impact and character dynamics raise the stakes for future events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dynamics among the characters. Jake's secret adds intrigue and sets up future events, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Jake's new relationship and the family's reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity and acceptance. Jake's revelation challenges the family's perception of him and their expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to surprise to tension. The revelation of Jake's secret and the reactions of the characters create an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the relationships between the characters. The banter between Jake, Sam, and Rebecca adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable family dynamics, and the tension of Jake revealing his new relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing information gradually, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a wedding reception setting, with interactions between characters and a clear progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the awkwardness and humor of family dynamics, particularly through Jake's interactions with his relatives. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance individuality among the family members. For instance, Aunt Sherry's storytelling could be more engaging with specific details that reflect her personality.
  • Jake's character is consistent with his previous portrayal, maintaining his quirky charm and social awkwardness. However, the scene could delve deeper into his internal conflict regarding his relationship status. His worry at the end feels somewhat abrupt; a more gradual build-up to this emotion could enhance the impact.
  • The humor in Sam's sarcastic remarks about Angus MacAskill is effective, but it risks overshadowing Jake's moment of vulnerability when he reveals he has a girlfriend. Balancing the humor with Jake's sincerity could create a more poignant moment, allowing the audience to connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, particularly in the transition from Sam's playful teasing to Jake's revelation about his girlfriend. A more gradual shift in tone could help the audience absorb the significance of Jake's announcement and the family's reaction.
  • The ending, where Jake looks worried after the family leaves, is a strong visual cue of his anxiety. However, it could be enhanced by incorporating a brief internal monologue or a visual metaphor that reflects his feelings about the pressure of bringing a girlfriend to the housewarming party.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more unique traits or quirks to Aunt Sherry and other family members to make their interactions with Jake more memorable and distinct.
  • Explore Jake's internal thoughts more thoroughly, especially when he reveals he has a girlfriend. This could be done through a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that highlights his anxiety about the situation.
  • Balance the humor and vulnerability in the scene by allowing Jake's revelation about his girlfriend to take center stage, perhaps by slowing down the dialogue and giving him a moment to express his feelings.
  • Enhance the pacing by allowing for pauses or reactions from the family members after Jake's revelation, giving the audience time to process the significance of the moment.
  • Incorporate a visual metaphor or a brief internal reflection for Jake at the end of the scene to deepen the audience's understanding of his worries about the upcoming housewarming party.



Scene 8 -  Grocery Store Dilemmas
INT. TRADER JOE’S- DAY

Jake stands behind a register, bagging groceries in his
TRADER JOE’S UNIFORM AND NAME TAG. He has the exact same
expression of worry on his face as he mindlessly stuffs
groceries into a bag. Next to him, ringing the groceries up
is MAISLEY, 20, PURPLE DREADS, sassy ray of sunshine.

Across the register a CUSTOMER talks on the phone.

MAISLEY
Jake, sorry to interrupt... I think
you crushed this lady’s avocados.

Jake snaps back to reality.

JAKE
Oh... no, they’re ok.

He rearranges a few things in the bag. The customer looks a
bit concerned but keeps talking on the phone. Maisley keeps
ringing and Jake keeps bagging as they chat.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Maisley... question for ya... On
what number date with someone would
you say it becomes appropriate to
invite them to a party?

Maisley thinks about it for a second.

MAISLEY
Second date. At the earliest.


JAKE
That’s what ChatGPT said. And dates
are generally a couple days apart
right?

MAISLEY
I guess.

JAKE
That means I need to start dating
someone in the next...

He does a little mental math.

JAKE (CONT’D)
...Three or four hours.

MAISLEY
What’s the party?

JAKE
My brother and sister-in-law’s
housewarming party. I... shall we
say, unwisely told my brother that
I have a girlfriend, and now he
expects me to bring her to the
party, so...

MAISLEY
That’s why you need to start
dating? For big bro’s approval?

JAKE
That’s part of it.

Jake stops bagging to think about what he’s going to say.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I mean, the prospect of being fully
known and fully loved is pretty
appealing, but, I think that’s just
an instinct selected by evolution.

CUSTOMER 1
I’m really sorry. I’m actually in a
kind of a hurry...

MAISLEY
(to the customer)
Ma’am, we’re going as fast as we
can. I’m gonna have to ask you to
be patient.


The customer stands there with her arms crossed. Jake gets
back to bagging as Maisley continues ringing up items.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
(to Jake)
In one of my psych classes I
learned that men without partners
are more than twice as likely to
develop schizophrenia.

JAKE
(to the customer)
Did you want the milk in the bag?

The customer nods her head. Jake carelessly sets the gallon
of milk on top of the other groceries in the bag.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(to Maisley)
Can someone be autistic and
schizophrenic? And just be stuck
having awkward interactions with
people that aren’t there?

CUSTOMER 1
Wait, where are my eggs?

She starts unpacking the bag. She pulls her hand up, covered
in YOLK.

JAKE
Oh, I’m sorry.

MAISLEY
Ma’am, I’ll go grab you some new
ones.

CUSTOMER 1
Terrific.

Maisley walks away. Jake stands there awkwardly.

JAKE
Last stop for the day?

CUSTOMER 1
What?

JAKE
Is this your last stop for the day?

Silence.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a bustling Trader Joe's, Jake, clad in his uniform, anxiously bags groceries while discussing his urgent need for a girlfriend with his co-worker Maisley, who offers sassy dating advice. Their conversation is interrupted by an impatient customer, leading to a mishap where Jake accidentally crushes her avocados and spills egg yolk on her hand. Despite the chaos, Maisley steps in to help, while Jake awkwardly attempts to engage the frustrated customer in conversation, blending humor with his underlying anxiety.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character development
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Slightly slow pacing in some parts
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines humor, awkwardness, and reflection, creating an engaging and entertaining moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake needing to find a girlfriend quickly to maintain a lie adds depth to his character and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses as Jake faces a new challenge and makes decisions that will impact future events in the story.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of needing a fake girlfriend for an event, incorporating elements of modern dating culture and psychological insights into relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Jake's anxiety and social awkwardness shining through in his interactions with others.

Character Changes: 7

Jake experiences a slight shift in his mindset as he contemplates the idea of being fully known and loved.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek approval and acceptance from his brother by finding a girlfriend for a party. This reflects his deeper need for validation and belonging.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to find a girlfriend within a few hours to bring to his brother's housewarming party. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal for Jake, as he grapples with the pressure to find a girlfriend quickly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the customer's impatience and the protagonist's internal dilemma providing obstacles that drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not extremely high, Jake's reputation and relationships are at risk due to his lie.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dilemma for Jake and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the protagonist's interactions with the customer and Maisley, adding comedic and dramatic elements.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's view on relationships and love, contrasting between the desire for approval and the evolutionary perspective on human instincts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to empathy for Jake's predicament.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and the comedic tension of the protagonist's predicament.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor through the characters' interactions, maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize for readers and potential viewers.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical dialogue-driven structure for a comedic screenplay, with clear character motivations and interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's anxiety and social awkwardness, which aligns well with his character development. However, the dialogue can feel a bit disjointed at times, particularly when transitioning between Jake's internal thoughts and the external chaos of the grocery store. This could be smoothed out to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • Maisley's character serves as a good foil to Jake, providing a contrast to his worries. However, her dialogue could be more distinct to emphasize her personality. Currently, she feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more unique phrasing or quirks that make her stand out.
  • The interruption by the customer feels a bit forced and could be better integrated into the scene. Instead of having the customer simply express impatience, consider adding a line that reflects her frustration more vividly, which could heighten the comedic tension.
  • Jake's mental math about needing to find a girlfriend in three or four hours is humorous but could be more impactful if it were tied to a specific emotional moment or realization. This would deepen the audience's connection to his plight.
  • The dialogue about schizophrenia feels somewhat abrupt and could be better contextualized. It might be more effective if Jake's thoughts on autism and schizophrenia were woven into a more personal anecdote or reflection, rather than presented as a random question.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical comedy or visual gags to enhance the humor of the scene, especially with the customer interaction. For example, Jake could fumble with the groceries in a way that visually represents his anxiety.
  • Give Maisley a catchphrase or a unique way of speaking that reflects her personality, making her dialogue more memorable and engaging.
  • Integrate the customer's frustration more organically into the scene. Perhaps she could make a sarcastic remark about Jake's bagging skills, which would add to the humor and tension.
  • Deepen Jake's internal conflict by having him reflect on his past experiences with relationships or family expectations, making his need for a girlfriend feel more urgent and relatable.
  • Revisit the dialogue about schizophrenia and autism to ensure it flows naturally within the context of the scene. Consider having Jake relate it to a personal experience or observation, which would make it feel more grounded.



Scene 9 -  Matcha and Matchmaking
INT. TRADER JOE’S- LATER


Maisley stands idly by the register, sipping on MATCHA TEA.
Jake is going register to register, pushing a CLEANING CART
and collecting trash. He stops by Maisley’s register and
collects her mini trash can.

MAISLEY
Lol. Always on cleaning.

JAKE
The mates have decided I’m not
“cash register material.”

Maisley laughs just as she’s sipping on her MATCHA TEA. She
accidentally spits some onto the register.

MAISLEY
Sorry.


Jake wipes it with a PAPER TOWEL and gives Maisley a sassy
look.

JAKE
...Ok... Nother question, Maisley.
How does one typically go about
securing a first date these days?

MAISLEY
I met my girlfriend on Hinge...
Tall guys crush it on the apps.

JAKE
Right, but “works at a grocery
store” takes off about a foot and a
half.

MAISLEY
We can leave the job part blank...

JAKE
...Are you sure?

Maisley smiles.

MAISLEY
Phone.

He hands it over.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Slice of Life"]

Summary In a light-hearted exchange at the Trader Joe's register, Maisley shares her dating experiences with Jake, who humorously laments how his cleaning job affects his dating life. As they banter about dating apps, Maisley offers to help Jake secure a first date by taking his phone, culminating in a comedic moment when she accidentally spits her matcha tea onto the register.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Natural character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and awkwardness in a relatable setting, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of exploring romance in a mundane setting like a grocery store adds a fresh and relatable perspective to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Jake's quest to find a girlfriend for his brother's party, leading to humorous and awkward interactions with Maisley.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on workplace interactions and dating dynamics, blending humor with relatable situations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Jake and Maisley are well-developed characters with distinct personalities that drive the scene forward and create engaging dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jake and Maisley show subtle changes in their interactions, hinting at potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and potentially seek romantic advice from Maisley. This reflects his desire for connection and possibly a romantic relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to collect trash and clean the store, reflecting his job responsibilities and work ethic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the comedic and romantic elements of the interaction between Jake and Maisley.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is mild, with a playful banter between the characters but no significant conflict or obstacles. The audience is left wondering about the outcome of Jake's romantic pursuits.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the comedic and romantic elements rather than high drama or tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the romantic subplot between Jake and Maisley, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and banter between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes by the witty exchanges and playful interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' views on dating and relationships. Jake seems to be seeking advice on securing a first date, while Maisley offers insights based on her own experience. This conflict challenges Jake's beliefs and approach to dating.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a light-hearted and humorous emotional response from the audience, setting the stage for potential romantic developments.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and natural, reflecting the personalities of Jake and Maisley while advancing the romantic subplot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, humor, and relatable character interactions. The banter between Maisley and Jake keeps the audience entertained and invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a natural flow of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the interactions keeps the scene engaging and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It meets the expected format for a screenplay scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of dialogue and action, capturing the characters' interactions and the setting effectively. It adheres to the expected structure for a casual workplace scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the light-hearted banter between Jake and Maisley, showcasing their chemistry and humor. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their relationship and reveal more about Jake's character. For instance, Jake's insecurity about his job could be explored further, perhaps through a more vulnerable response to Maisley's encouragement.
  • The physical comedy of Maisley accidentally spitting her drink adds a nice touch of humor, but it feels slightly disconnected from the main conversation. Integrating this moment more seamlessly into the dialogue could enhance the flow of the scene. For example, Jake could react more playfully to the spill, which would reinforce their rapport.
  • Jake's line about 'works at a grocery store' taking off 'about a foot and a half' is clever, but it could be expanded to include more of his internal thoughts or feelings about dating. This would provide insight into his character and make the audience more invested in his journey.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a line that connects Jake's previous thoughts about dating to his current conversation with Maisley could create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Maisley's suggestion to leave the job part blank is humorous, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to a specific anecdote or experience she had while dating. This would not only add depth to her character but also provide Jake with a relatable example.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Jake expresses his feelings about his job and how it affects his dating prospects, allowing for a deeper exploration of his character.
  • Integrate Maisley's drink spill more naturally into the conversation, perhaps by having Jake make a playful comment that leads to a shared laugh, reinforcing their connection.
  • Expand on Jake's insecurities about dating by including a line that reflects his internal struggle or fear, making his character more relatable and engaging.
  • Create a smoother transition from the previous scene by including a line that connects Jake's thoughts about dating to his current conversation with Maisley, enhancing narrative continuity.
  • Incorporate a specific anecdote from Maisley about her dating experiences that relates to her advice, adding depth to her character and making the conversation more engaging.



Scene 10 -  Mopping Up Love
INT. TRADER JOE'S BATHROOM- DAY

The door is propped open. Jake is busy mopping. Puddles cover
the tile floor. Maisley lounges against the propped door,
engrossed in Jake’s phone.

MAISLEY
Ok. “I’m looking for...” blank.

JAKE
A plus-one for my brother’s
housewarming party.

Maisley starts typing.

MAISLEY
“Looking for my neurodivergent
queen.”

JAKE
No don’t put that.

MAISLEY
Why not?

JAKE
...Would you date someone with
purple dreads?

MAISLEY
...What does that mean.

He wheels the mop bucket out. Maisley follows.

JAKE
It means two negatives don’t
necessarily make a positive.

MAISLEY
...You don’t want to date an
autistic woman? Is that what you’re
trying to say?

JAKE
No... I’m trying to say...
Evolution is trying to squeeze me
out, Maisley...

MAISLEY
I thought we were looking for a
date to a party, not someone to
make offspring with... And I’m
still waiting to hear back on my
diagnosis, so... watch yourself.


Jake put the mop in the bucket, places the bucket back on the
cleaning cart, and wheels it into the adjacent bathroom. He
props the door open. Maisley goes in after him.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In the Trader Joe's bathroom, Jake mops the floor while Maisley uses his phone to help find a date for Jake's brother's housewarming party. Their humorous banter explores Jake's dating preferences, with Maisley suggesting he seek a 'neurodivergent queen.' Jake's reluctance to date someone with purple dreads sparks a deeper discussion about dating and evolution, highlighting the absurdity of their conversation. The scene concludes with Jake putting away the mop as they both move into the adjacent bathroom, leaving their playful yet introspective dialogue unresolved.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Exploration of neurodiversity in dating
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and awkwardness to create an engaging and entertaining moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of exploring dating challenges for a neurodivergent character in a comedic light is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Jake's quest to find a date for his brother's party, adding a layer of humor and tension to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on dating and relationships, incorporating themes of neurodiversity and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Jake and Maisley, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does provide insights into Jake's challenges and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to express his feelings of being overwhelmed by societal expectations and his own insecurities. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to find a plus-one for his brother's housewarming party. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in social situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on internal struggles and social awkwardness.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict between the characters, adding depth to their interactions. The audience is left wondering how Jake and Maisley will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal relationships and social dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Jake's quest for a date and setting up potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and the characters' responses to each other. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conversation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal expectations, neurodiversity, and personal insecurities. Jake's struggle to articulate his thoughts and Maisley's direct questioning challenge his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, empathy, and reflection.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the humor interspersed with introspection, and the relatable themes of dating and self-discovery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, leading to a clear resolution. The formatting aligns with the expected format for a character-driven scene in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the humorous dynamic between Jake and Maisley, showcasing their friendship and the awkwardness of Jake's dating situation. However, the dialogue could benefit from more clarity regarding Jake's feelings about dating and his neurodivergence. The current exchange about purple dreads feels a bit vague and could be more explicitly tied to Jake's character development.
  • The humor in the scene is present, but it sometimes feels forced, particularly in the discussion about evolution and dating. This could be streamlined to maintain the comedic tone while also advancing the plot. The line about evolution squeezing Jake out could be rephrased to sound more natural and relatable.
  • The setting of the Trader Joe's bathroom is an interesting choice, but it may not fully capitalize on the comedic potential of the location. The visual elements of the bathroom, such as the mop and puddles, could be used more effectively to enhance the humor and absurdity of the situation.
  • Maisley's character shines through her playful banter, but her motivations for helping Jake could be more clearly defined. Why is she so invested in helping him find a date? Adding a line or two that hints at her own experiences or desires could deepen her character and make the scene more engaging.
  • The transition into the adjacent bathroom feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a humorous observation from Jake about the bathroom situation could provide a smoother transition and maintain the comedic flow.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Jake's feelings about dating and neurodivergence in the dialogue. Consider adding a line that directly addresses his concerns or preferences in a more relatable way.
  • Streamline the discussion about evolution and dating. Focus on a single, strong comedic point rather than multiple ideas that may confuse the audience.
  • Enhance the visual humor of the bathroom setting by incorporating more physical comedy or absurd elements related to the cleaning process, such as Jake slipping on a puddle or Maisley making a joke about the cleanliness of the bathroom.
  • Deepen Maisley's character by adding a line that reveals her own dating experiences or motivations for helping Jake, which could create a more meaningful connection between the characters.
  • Smooth the transition into the adjacent bathroom by including a humorous observation from Jake about the bathroom situation, which could serve as a comedic punchline and maintain the scene's light-hearted tone.



Scene 11 -  Bathroom Banter and Dating Dilemmas
INT. OTHER TRADER JOE’S BATHROOM- CONTINUOUS

Jake starts scrubbing the toilet. Maisley is still glued to
his phone.

MAISLEY
Ok, drinking alcohol: Never,
Sometimes, or Often?

JAKE
Often.

MAISLEY
Great... “Sometimes.” I geek out
on...

JAKE
Leave that one blank too.

MAISLEY
What was that big guy’s name again?
Your special interest?

JAKE
My “special interest?” No, my
special interest is trains
remember?

Maisley gives him a sassy look.

MAISLEY
That was the last prompt.

She offers back his phone.

JAKE
Do you find him interesting by the
way?

MAISLEY
Who?

JAKE
Angus Macaskill. I’ve described him
to you a couple times. Would you
say you consider him interesting?

MAISLEY
...Ummmm. Why?


Through the wall, Jake hears the SAME IMPOSSIBLY MIGHTY PISS
SOUND reverberating from the other bathroom he just mopped.
He starts listening.

JAKE
Do you hear that?

MAISLEY
Hear what?

Jake leans in, listening intently. Maisley looks at him like
he’s nuts.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Oh my God, it’s happening...

Jake’s phone BUZZES as the piss sound trickles off. He looks
at his phone and smiles.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Ooo! Lemme see!

Maisley grabs the phone and looks at Jake’s hinge match. Her
jaw drops. She starts typing.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
“Drinks tonight?” Sent. You’re
welcome.

She hands the phone back to Jake.

JAKE
I don’t know this person, Maisley.
What are we supposed to talk about?

MAISLEY
Bro... Ask her how her day was and
go from there. It’s not hard.

His phone BUZZES again.

Jake looks at the phone and smiles again. He shows Maisley
the response. It’s a WINKY FACE EMOJI followed by a PHONE
NUMBER.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ, Jake. Do you realize
how easy your life could have been?

Jake rolls the mop bucket out of the bathroom.

JAKE
I try not to think about it.


After exiting the bathroom, Jake spots a trail of IMPOSSIBLY
LARGE WET SHOE PRINTS coming out of the bathroom he mopped
earlier. He follows them a little bit. They gradually
disappear. He looks up and sees nothing out of the ordinary
in the store, just customers browsing through the isles.
Everyone is within a normal size range. Jake grins again.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In the Trader Joe's bathroom, Jake cleans the toilet while Maisley distracts herself with his phone. They discuss Jake's drinking habits and his fascination with trains, with Maisley teasing him about a past prompt. A loud urination sound interrupts them, and Maisley sends a message to a match on Jake's dating app, receiving a positive response. Jake feels uncertain about how to proceed, but Maisley encourages him. After leaving the bathroom, Jake finds large wet shoe prints leading away, which he finds amusing as they vanish into the store filled with regular-sized customers.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Unique setting
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with a good balance of humor, light-heartedness, and character interaction. It effectively sets up a comedic situation and moves the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake trying to find a date in a humorous and quirky setting like a Trader Joe's bathroom is unique and engaging. It adds a fun twist to the typical dating dilemma storyline.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around Jake's quest to find a date for his brother's housewarming party, adding humor and light-heartedness to the overall story. It moves the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the impossibly large wet shoe prints and the use of dating apps in a mundane setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Jake and Maisley are well-developed and their interactions are engaging and humorous. Their personalities shine through in the dialogue and actions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene, with Jake's focus shifting from his job to finding a date. It sets up potential growth for his character in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and potentially make a romantic connection. This reflects his desire for companionship and connection.

External Goal: 7.5

Jake's external goal is to clean the bathroom and complete his work tasks efficiently. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in his job responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the comedic situation of finding a date rather than intense conflict. It adds to the light-hearted tone of the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene comes from Maisley's teasing and Jake's internal conflict, adding complexity and tension to the interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the comedic situation of finding a date rather than high-stakes drama. It adds to the light-hearted tone of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new dilemma for Jake and setting up potential developments for his character. It adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in social interactions and the mysterious elements introduced, such as the wet shoe prints.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jake's desire for a simple life and Maisley's belief in taking advantage of opportunities. This challenges Jake's values of contentment and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly through the humor and character interactions. It elicits amusement and engagement from the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and natural, capturing the personalities of Jake and Maisley effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds to the comedic tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, humorous interactions, and the mystery of the impossibly large wet shoe prints.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a comedic screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the light-hearted tone established in previous scenes, showcasing the playful dynamic between Jake and Maisley. However, the humor could be enhanced by incorporating more physical comedy or visual gags, especially given the setting of a bathroom, which lends itself to comedic situations.
  • Jake's character continues to be relatable, particularly in his awkwardness regarding dating. However, the dialogue could benefit from more depth in exploring his feelings about the match and his anxiety surrounding dating. This would add emotional weight to the scene and provide a stronger connection for the audience.
  • Maisley's character shines through her sassy remarks and supportive nature, but her motivations could be clearer. Why is she so invested in helping Jake? Adding a line or two that hints at her own experiences or desires could enrich her character and make her support feel more personal.
  • The transition from the conversation about Angus MacAskill to the sound of the urination could be smoother. The abrupt shift in focus might confuse the audience. Consider adding a line that connects Jake's interest in Angus to the absurdity of the situation, enhancing the comedic effect.
  • The ending with the large wet shoe prints is a clever visual gag, but it could be more impactful if Jake's reaction was more pronounced. A stronger emotional response or a humorous internal monologue could amplify the comedic payoff and leave the audience with a memorable image.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a physical comedy element, such as Jake accidentally splashing water while scrubbing the toilet, to enhance the humor of the scene.
  • Add a moment where Jake expresses his anxiety about the date in a more vulnerable way, perhaps by sharing a past dating failure, to deepen his character development.
  • Include a line from Maisley that hints at her own dating struggles or experiences, making her support for Jake feel more relatable and grounded.
  • Smooth the transition between the conversation and the urination sound by adding a line that connects Jake's interest in Angus to the absurdity of the bathroom situation.
  • Amplify Jake's reaction to the wet shoe prints by including a humorous internal thought or a more exaggerated facial expression to enhance the comedic effect.



Scene 12 -  A Date with Angus
INT. BAR- NIGHT

Jake sits at a table by himself. We hear his heart THUMPING
LOUDLY. His phone tells him it’s 7:39. He tries out a few
different resting facial expressions. HALEY, 28, approaches
the table.

HALEY
Hi!

He stands up and offers a handshake.

JAKE
Hey! How was your day?

HALEY
Oh, um, it was pretty good! Nice to
meet you by the way...

JAKE
Right, sorry. Nice to meet you.

They sit down.

HALEY
All good... And it was mostly good,
to answer your question. I got
lunch with my friend from college,
and I got some interesting news
from my mom.

JAKE
Oh cool where’d you go to college?

HALEY
...Um, I went to Arizona State.

JAKE
Oh I bet that was fun.

Pause.

HALEY
Yeah. I enjoyed it.

A WAITRESS comes by with a FROZEN STRAWBERRY MARGARITA.


WAITRESS
Strawberry margarita...

She sets it down in front of Haley.

JAKE
Actually that’s mine.

WAITRESS
Oh, my mistake.

She slides the drink over to Jake.

WAITRESS (CONT’D)
(to Haley)
What can I get ya?

HALEY
Espresso martini?

WAITRESS
I’ll be right back.

The waitress walks away.

JAKE
Hell yeah. Little caffeine? The
night is young.

HALEY
How’s the strawberry marg?

She tries not to giggle.

JAKE
Exceptional. Does part of me wish I
had ordered something a little more
masculine? You bet. But... I’m not
a scotch guy.

HALEY
I like scotch.

JAKE
Well there ya go. We’re breakin’
barriers here...

She forces a giggle. Jake looks pleased with his banter.

HALEY
So what do you do?

JAKE
I do um... Trading.


HALEY
Love it. How’s trading.

JAKE
It’s great. No complaints.

HALEY
Great. Love that. What’s a day in
the life look like?

JAKE
Ummm...Lotta early mornings... Not
much to report, honestly.

Pause.

HALEY
...Gotcha. Lots of early
mornings...

JAKE
So what kind of stuff are you
passionate about?

HALEY
...Oh... um, hmmm. Good question.
I’m passionate about my friends.
I’m really passionate about
animals. And uh... I do roller
derby, like, I’m on a team, and we
play once a week. Super fun. I
don’t know. What about you? What
are you passionate about?

JAKE
Well... it might be too niche for a
first date.

HALEY
Oooo love that. What is it?

JAKE
Nah. My brother specifically told
me never talk to about it.

HALEY
Wow so serious.

JAKE
...Alright, you’re right. It is
pretty cool actually... Right now
I’m really passionate about a
circus performer from Scotland in
the 1850s named Angus MacAskill.


HALEY
Oh.

JAKE
He was a circus strongman. And
based on the descriptions we have
of his feats of strength, we can
assume that he was by far the
strongest human who ever lived.

HALEY
Wow.

She nods. Trying to look interested.

While Jake is talking, we see a MONTAGE OF ANGUS MACASKILL IN
THE 1850s. WE SEE HIM AS HE PERFORMS IMPOSSIBLE FEATS OF
STRENGTH, LIKE THROWING A 300 POUND MAN OVER A 10 FOOT
WOODPILE, LIFTING A FULL GROWN HORSE TO CHEST HEIGHT, HOLDING
250 POUND WEIGHTS AT ARMS LENGTH WITH ONLY TWO FINGERS EACH,
AND WALKING ON THE BEACH WITH A MASSIVE ANCHOR.

JAKE
Which is absolutely insane when you
break it down a little bit. The
strongest man of the 1850’s was
significantly stronger than the
strongest man today. Despite the
vast improvements that have been
made in training and diet. Like,
we’re talking about potentially the
greatest outlier of all time. And
somehow nobody knows about him.

HALEY
This is what your brother told you
never to talk about?

JAKE
He said women don’t find him
interesting. But... I don’t know...
I just think that’s a super
outdated mode of thought.

The WAITRESS returns with Haley’s drink.

WAITRESS
Espresso Martini for you. Can I get
you guys anything else?

HALEY
I think we’re all set.


WAITRESS
Great. I’ll be back with the check.

The waitress leaves. There’s a brief awkward pause.

JAKE
You ever play 20 questions?

HALEY
I have.

JAKE
Why don’t we give it a go?

HALEY
Sure. You first.

JAKE
Ok... What is the pound for pound
strongest animal in the animal
kingdom?

HALEY
Noo ask me something better than
that.

JAKE
Ok, sorry...

He takes a sip of his margarita and thinks hard.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Here’s one I’ve been thinking about
a ton recently. How weird would it
be if our teeth were flaccid but
got hard when we were hungry?

She sits there, dumbfounded.

HALEY
Ummmm... Hey, I’m so sorry to do
this but I think maybe we’re not a
match. I’m sorry. Yeah. And I do
have a friend’s show I need to get
to... I think I’m gonna call it a
night. Have a good night, though!

JAKE
Yeah, no worries. Have a good
night.

She gets up and leaves.

He sits alone, sipping on his strawberry margarita.


We see an IMPOSSIBLY LARGE HAND pull back the empty chair and
down sits AN IMPOSSIBLY LARGE MAN IN MID 19th CENTURY
CLOTHING. It’s ANGUS MACASKILL. The chair looks comically
small beneath him.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I’m screwed aren’t I?... It’s just
gonna be you and me.

Angus almost smiles.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I’m not ready to go home.

Angus smiles.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jake nervously awaits his date, Haley, at a bar. They engage in small talk about their interests, but when Haley decides they aren't a match and leaves, Jake is left disappointed. Just as he thinks the evening is over, the ghostly figure of Angus MacAskill, the 19th-century circus strongman he admires, humorously appears at his table, suggesting that Jake's night is far from finished.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Unique conversation topics
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of romance, comedy, and drama through the awkward yet engaging interaction between Jake and Haley. The dialogue is witty and informative, providing insight into the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring an awkward first date through witty banter and discussions about obscure topics like Angus MacAskill is engaging and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the interaction between Jake and Haley during a first date, with elements of humor, romance, and character development woven in effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique conversation topic about a historical figure, Angus MacAskill, and explores the idea of sharing unconventional passions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Jake and Haley are well-developed, with distinct personalities and engaging dialogue that drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interaction between Jake and Haley hints at potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to connect with Haley and make a good impression on their first date. This reflects his desire for companionship and possibly a romantic relationship.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to have a successful first date and potentially form a connection with Haley. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a new relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is minimal, primarily revolving around the awkwardness of a first date and the characters' attempts to connect with each other.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Haley's decision to end the date serving as a small obstacle for Jake. The audience is left unsure of how the interaction will unfold.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the awkwardness and humor of a first date rather than high-intensity drama or conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters of Jake and Haley, establishing their dynamic, and setting the stage for potential future interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in the sense that the date takes an unexpected turn with Haley deciding to end it abruptly. This adds a layer of tension and uncertainty to the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of being true to oneself and sharing one's passions, even if they may not be traditionally 'interesting'. This challenges the societal norms of what is considered engaging conversation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, awkwardness, and a hint of romance, engaging the audience and creating a relatable and entertaining atmosphere.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and interests, adding depth to the interaction between Jake and Haley.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, relatable interactions, and moments of vulnerability between the characters. The dialogue flows naturally and keeps the audience interested in the outcome of the date.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue-driven moments and pauses for reflection. The rhythm of the conversation contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper character introductions, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a bar setting. It progresses naturally from introductions to conversation topics and ends with a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's anxiety and awkwardness during a first date, which is relatable and engaging. However, the dialogue can feel a bit stilted at times, particularly in the early exchanges. This could be improved by making the conversation flow more naturally, perhaps by incorporating more back-and-forth banter that reflects their personalities.
  • Jake's passion for Angus MacAskill is a unique character trait, but the way he presents it to Haley may come off as overly detailed and one-sided. This could risk losing the audience's engagement. Instead, consider having Jake share a more concise and intriguing fact that invites Haley to ask questions or share her thoughts, fostering a more interactive dialogue.
  • The montage of Angus MacAskill's feats is a creative visual element, but it may disrupt the pacing of the scene. It could be more effective if integrated into Jake's dialogue, allowing him to describe these feats in a way that keeps Haley engaged, rather than breaking the flow with a visual montage.
  • Haley's abrupt decision to leave feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up. Perhaps she could express her discomfort or disinterest in a more nuanced way before deciding to leave, which would make her exit feel more organic.
  • The introduction of Angus MacAskill at the end is a clever twist, but it may feel jarring without sufficient buildup. Consider foreshadowing his appearance earlier in the scene or incorporating a more gradual transition to enhance the comedic effect.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more natural and conversational. Consider adding interruptions, overlapping dialogue, or playful teasing to create a more dynamic interaction between Jake and Haley.
  • Shorten Jake's explanation of Angus MacAskill to a few captivating sentences that highlight his uniqueness without overwhelming Haley. This could encourage her to engage more actively in the conversation.
  • Instead of a montage, have Jake describe Angus's feats in a way that allows for Haley's reactions and questions, keeping the focus on their interaction rather than a separate visual element.
  • Add subtle hints of Haley's discomfort throughout the conversation, leading to her decision to leave. This could involve her body language or facial expressions, making her exit feel more justified.
  • Consider introducing Angus MacAskill earlier in the scene through Jake's thoughts or a brief mention, creating anticipation for his appearance and enhancing the comedic impact of his sudden arrival.



Scene 13 -  Under the Stars: A Conversation on Authenticity
EXT. GRIFFITH PARK HIKING TRAIL- NIGHT

There’s a tapestry of stars in the sky, casting a silvery
glow on the trail. No people in sight.

We hear nothing but the wind, until suddenly: Footsteps. Big
footsteps.

We see ANGUS’S GIANT FEET crunching the dirt beneath him.

We see Jake sitting on Angus Macaskill’s shoulders. Angus
holds Jake’s ankles as he strides steadily up the trail.

JAKE
...I worked you in too early. I
knew not to do that.

Angus speaks in an IMPOSSIBLY DEEP YET MELODIC VOICE. He has
a Scottish accent.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Ye were bein’ authentic lad.
There’s nay shame in speakin’ yer
mind.

JAKE
Is my brother right though? Like, I
can’t stop... pondering. If I was a
woman, would I still find you
fascinating?

ANGUS MACASKILL
Ye wouldn’t be you if you were a
woman. That would be some other
lass.


JAKE
Right, but like, you’re an
unparalleled marvel. Why does
gender have anything to do with it?

ANGUS MACASKILL
Couldn’t tell ye, laddie. Perhaps
ye just ought ta try findin’ the
lasses a bit more akin ta ye.

JAKE
More akin to me?

Angus doesn’t respond.

JAKE (CONT’D)
It’s easy to celebrate what makes
you different when you’re the
strongest man of all time. Being
different’s only worth it if you’re
extraordinary.

ANGUS MACASKILL
D’ya think I had any choice but to
be in the circus lad?

For a couple moments they walk in silence, broken only by the
soft chatter of nocturnal life.

JAKE
...Angus, did you die a virgin? I
know you were never married.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Aye, laddy. I did.

JAKE
I’m sorry.

ANGUS MACASKILL
There were lasses in my day that
would’ave, but... only outta
curiosity I s’pose... And ye then?
Are ye a virgin, Jake?

JAKE
No. I’ve had sex with 15 women. But
I’ve only had sex 17 times, so, I
think I’m doing something wrong.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Y’know not ta say that to anyone
but me, don’t ye lad?


JAKE
Yeah I know...

Angus takes a WOODEN TOBACCO PIPE out of his coat and fills
it with tobacco. He sticks the pipe in his mouth and hands
Jake the MATCHBOOK. Jake strikes a match and lights Angus’s
pipe.

JAKE (CONT’D)
This is a nightmare, Angus. My
whole extended family is gonna
think I’m a pathological liar.

Angus smokes down most of the pipe’s tobacco in one inhale as
his giant chest expands. He lets out a GIGANTIC CLOUD OF
SMOKE.

ANGUS MACASKILL
...S’pose ye know what it is ye’ve
got ta do then, lad... Baccy?

Pause.

JAKE
...What are you referring too?...
And yes, please.

Angus hands Jake the pipe and Jake takes a puff.

ANGUS MACASKILL
Exactly what ye think I’m referrin’
too, of course.

JAKE
No. That would be inappropriate.
Off-limits.

ANGUS MACASKILL
A man’s nuthin’ without his family
lad... Ye ought ta know when ye
need a helpin’ hand.

JAKE
The amount of cortisol I would have
in my system at that party... would
be enough to give you a heart
attack... How would I even ask her?

ANGUS MACASKILL
Use yer wits ye feartie!

JAKE
But I would feel so guilty.


ANGUS MACASKILL
Why’s that, laddy? It’s not yer
fault, see. Ye never had a chance.
There’s nay shame in a man doin’
what he’s got ta do ta survive.

Jake closes his eyes and takes another drag from the pipe. He
blows out the smoke.

JAKE
Ok... Fuck... I’ll try.

They walk on.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary On a quiet hiking trail in Griffith Park at night, illuminated by stars, Jake sits on the shoulders of the giant Angus Macaskill. They engage in a heartfelt conversation about authenticity, gender, and relationships. Jake shares his insecurities and family pressures regarding romance, while Angus offers wisdom from his own experiences, including his virginity. Encouraging Jake to embrace his uniqueness and seek support from his family, Angus helps him confront his fears about relationships. The scene ends with Jake taking a drag from Angus's pipe, agreeing to face his romantic challenges.
Strengths
  • Deep character exploration
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • Philosophical themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with deep character exploration and meaningful dialogue that resonates with the audience. The emotional depth and philosophical undertones elevate the storytelling, making it a compelling and thought-provoking moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, centered around a profound conversation between Jake and Angus, is compelling and thought-provoking. It delves into themes of identity, self-discovery, and societal expectations with depth and sensitivity.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene is more focused on character development and thematic exploration than plot progression, it serves as a pivotal moment in Jake's journey of self-discovery and acceptance. The conversation with Angus adds layers to the narrative and deepens the emotional impact.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of identity, relationships, and societal expectations. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jake and Angus are richly developed, with complex motivations and inner conflicts that drive the scene forward. Their interactions reveal vulnerabilities and insights that resonate with the audience, creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jake and Angus undergo significant emotional growth and introspection during the scene. Jake confronts his insecurities and societal expectations, while Angus imparts wisdom and perspective that leads to a shift in Jake's mindset.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to grapple with his own insecurities and fears about relationships and authenticity. He is questioning his own worth and desirability, reflecting deeper needs for acceptance and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult conversation with Angus about relationships and family. He is seeking advice and guidance on how to approach a challenging situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Jake's inner turmoil and struggles with self-acceptance. While there is tension and emotional stakes, it is driven by personal growth and introspection rather than external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jake grapples with internal and external conflicts related to relationships, identity, and societal expectations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of these challenges.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on Jake's personal growth and self-acceptance. While there is tension and emotional weight, the stakes are driven by inner conflicts and existential questions rather than external threats.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it serves as a crucial moment in Jake's character development and emotional journey. It deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and themes, moving the story forward on an emotional level.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' conversations and the emotional revelations that unfold. The audience is kept on their toes as the characters navigate complex emotions and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, authenticity, and societal expectations. Jake and Angus discuss the pressure to conform to traditional norms while also embracing individuality and uniqueness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' inner worlds and struggles. The poignant dialogue, intimate atmosphere, and deep character exploration evoke a strong emotional response and resonate on a personal level.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant, introspective, and emotionally resonant. It delves into deep themes and inner thoughts of the characters, adding layers of complexity and authenticity to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and thought-provoking dialogue. The interactions between Jake and Angus draw the audience in and create a sense of connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and emotional resonance. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a well-paced dialogue and character interactions. It effectively conveys the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' relationships.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a unique dynamic between Jake and Angus, showcasing their contrasting perspectives on authenticity and relationships. Angus serves as a mentor figure, providing Jake with wisdom that feels both grounded and profound. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, particularly when discussing deeper themes like gender and self-acceptance. This could be balanced with lighter moments or humor to maintain the scene's overall tone.
  • Jake's insecurities are relatable, but the dialogue about his sexual experiences feels awkward and could benefit from more subtlety. The line about having sex with 15 women but only 17 times is humorous but may come off as forced. It might be more effective to express his feelings of inadequacy in a way that feels more organic to the conversation.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the dialogue drags, particularly during the philosophical exchanges. Consider tightening these exchanges to keep the audience engaged. The use of silence is effective, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details about the environment to create a richer atmosphere.
  • The introduction of the tobacco pipe adds an interesting visual element, but it could also symbolize deeper themes of coping mechanisms or escapism. This could be explored further in Jake's reaction to smoking, perhaps reflecting on how he uses it as a way to deal with his anxieties.
  • The transition from the philosophical discussion to the practical advice Angus gives Jake feels a bit abrupt. It might help to create a smoother flow between these topics, perhaps by having Angus relate his own experiences more directly to Jake's situation, making the advice feel more personal and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more humor or light-hearted moments to balance the heavier themes discussed. This could involve playful banter or a humorous observation about their surroundings.
  • Rework the dialogue about Jake's sexual experiences to feel more natural. Consider having him express his feelings of inadequacy without specific numbers, focusing instead on the emotional weight of his experiences.
  • Enhance the sensory details of the hiking trail at night to create a more immersive atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Explore the symbolism of the tobacco pipe further. Consider having Jake reflect on what smoking represents for him, perhaps as a moment of vulnerability or a way to cope with his fears.
  • Smooth out the transitions between philosophical discussions and practical advice. Ensure that Angus's advice feels like a natural progression from their conversation rather than a sudden shift in tone.



Scene 14 -  Unexpected Support
INT. TRADER JOE’S- MORNING

Jake stands behind a register, barely containing his anxiety.
He spots Maisley clocking in at the “Bridge” (the front
desk). After he sees her, he adopts a very different
countenance. He starts moping. Eyes low, shoulders drooped.
She smiles big when she sees him.

Jake flags down a CUSTOMER with a full cart. He speaks in an
overtly “bummed out” way.

JAKE
I can take you right here, sir.

Maisley bounds over with a big smile and starts bagging.

MAISLEY
Jake, guess what?

JAKE
(to the customer)
How’s your uh... what day is it
today?

CUSTOMER MAN
It’s Friday.

JAKE
How’s your Friday sir?

CUSTOMER MAN
Not too bad. How’s yours?

MAISLEY
Jake I have news.

JAKE
(to the customer)
Not too bad. How’s yours?
(MORE)
JAKE (CONT’D)
(to Maisley)
...What you’re pregnant?

MAISLEY
...No... I’m diagnosed! Adult
Autism! It’s officially official!

JAKE
(to Maisley, without
looking at her, monotone)
Congratulations, it’s a terrific
life.

Jake lets out a gigantic sigh.

Maisley goes completely silent and bags really fast. The
instant she finishes bagging the last item she walks away and
logs in at another register.

Jake watches her walk away and recalculates.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(to the customer)
You’re all set sir.

Maisley, visibly irritated, flags down another customer. Jake
joins her at the new register and starts bagging.

MAISLEY
(to the new customer)
Can I see your ID?

The customer presents her ID. Maisley starts ringing up the
items.

JAKE
(to Maisley)
Sorry, that was rude of me.

Maisley doesn’t respond.

JAKE (CONT’D)
We get rude sometimes, Maisley, but
for real though, welcome to the
team.

MAISLEY
Admit you were rude on purpose.

JAKE
It was on purpose, I’m sorry.

Maisley rings up the last few items.


MAISLEY
(to the customer)
53.12 ma’am.
(to Jake)
No sparks last night, I’m guessing?

JAKE
No sparks. Skid marks... but no
sparks.

MAISLEY
What happened?

JAKE
What happened is I didn’t just tell
my brother I had a girlfriend. I
told him I had a girlfriend who
thought Angus MacAskill was
fascinating. It would appear I’ve
given myself a wildly small target
to hit, and now I’m fucked. That’s
what happened.
(to the customer)
Apologies for my language, ma’am.

MAISLEY
(to the customer)
You’re all set, ma’am.

The customer leaves.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Why don’t you just tell your
brother you guys broke up?

JAKE
Because he’ll assume I imagined
her. That’s the infuriating part.
He thinks I’m completely out of
touch with reality, Maisley.

MAISLEY
What are you gonna do?

JAKE
At this point, I guess just lose my
relationship with my brother.

A customer approaches with a full cart.

CUSTOMER #3
Are you guys open?


MAISLEY
Yes.

Maisley rings and Jake bags as they chat.

JAKE
(to Maisley)
It’s honestly awesome that you’re
so excited about being autistic...
I keep thinking, it’s such a shame
that there’s not really such a
thing as an autistic community, ya
know? Each one of us is just like,
a one person community, basically.

MAISLEY
That’s not true at all. You’re a
one person community. That’s a
choice.

JAKE
Yeah, maybe. But it’s not like
autistic people are renowned for
their empathy. Especially towards
each other.

MAISLEY
That’s exactly what they’re
renowned for, actually. What are
you talking about?

JAKE
Nothin.’ Sorry. I’m stressed. I’m
trying to figure out how I’m gonna
find someone by tomorrow night who
will pretend to be my girlfriend...
and that they like Angus.

MAISLEY
Go on another hinge date tonight.

JAKE
I can’t do that...

MAISLEY
Why?

JAKE
Because... Maisley... I’m retired,
ok? At this point, the most
chivalrous thing I can do for
women, is just leave them alone...
And that’s ok.


MAISLEY
Dude... Chivalry implies bravery. A
knight who doesn’t slay the dragon
because he’s afraid of the maiden
isn’t very brave.

JAKE
...I don’t care about dragons or
maidens or fuckin... wizards. I
just enjoy hangin’ out with my
brother sometimes. Not even a lot.
And I genuinely don’t feel like
that’s too much for me to ask for
from the universe... or God, or
whatever you want to call it.
Whatever it’s called... it’s
fucking mean.

MAISLEY
...What time is the party?

JAKE
...Why are you asking?

MAISLEY
I get off at 6:00 tomorrow.

JAKE
...Maisley you’re a gay, teenage
girl are you not?

MAISLEY
I’m 20. And I smoke. People think
I’m like, 24...

Jake shakes his head.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
We won’t even hold hands... It’s
not weird unless you make it weird.

JAKE
Maisley... I’m just some man you
work with at Trader Joe’s. This is
reckless behavior.

MAISLEY
Jake... It took me 20 years to find
out why I’m so awesome. Let me help
out the team. And by the way, hell
yes autism is a community. It’s a
fuckin’ soul tribe.
(MORE)
MAISLEY (CONT’D)
And if you think I would not gladly
do this for you, Jake, just to
prove myself right, you don’t know
me very well.

JAKE
(pretending to be
impressed)
...Jesus Maisley, who do they have
teachin’ psychology at Santa Monica
City College? Tell em’ to start
making tiktoks!

She offers him a hi-five. He enthusiastically accepts.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a Trader Joe's grocery store, Jake struggles with anxiety about his relationships until he encounters Maisley, who excitedly shares her recent autism diagnosis. Their interaction starts off rocky with Jake's sarcastic remark, but as they serve customers, Maisley encourages him to pursue dating despite his feelings of defeat. She offers to pretend to be his girlfriend for a night, fostering a sense of camaraderie between them. The scene concludes on a light-hearted note with a high-five, symbolizing their newfound connection.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor with deeper themes of self-discovery and relationships, creating a compelling and relatable narrative. The dialogue is engaging and the characters are well-developed, drawing the audience into their personal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the struggles of relationships, authenticity, and self-acceptance, portrayed through the interactions between Jake and Maisley. The scene effectively explores these themes in a relatable and engaging manner.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on Jake's dilemma of finding a fake girlfriend for his brother's party, while also delving into deeper themes of identity and relationships. The plot progression is well-paced and keeps the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on relationships, identity, and societal norms. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Jake and Maisley, are well-developed and relatable. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and vulnerability, adding depth to the narrative. The characters' struggles and growth drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jake and Maisley undergo subtle changes in the scene, with Jake confronting his anxieties and insecurities, and Maisley embracing her autism diagnosis. These character changes drive the emotional arc of the scene and add depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to navigate his personal relationships and emotions, particularly his struggle with his brother and his own insecurities. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to find someone to pretend to be his girlfriend for an upcoming event, reflecting his immediate challenge of maintaining appearances and avoiding conflict with his brother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Jake's anxiety, social struggles, and the pressure to find a fake girlfriend. The conflict drives the character development and emotional depth of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and emotional tensions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interactions, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal struggles and relationships rather than life-threatening situations. However, the emotional stakes for the characters are high, driving the narrative tension and engagement.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters, particularly Jake and Maisley. The narrative progression keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character dynamics and revelations. The shifting emotions and conflicting motivations add a layer of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity and self-acceptance. Jake's reluctance to be honest about his relationships and Maisley's confidence in her identity as an autistic individual challenge each other's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending humor with moments of vulnerability and introspection. The characters' struggles and growth evoke empathy and connection from the audience, creating a poignant and engaging narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, authentic, and emotionally resonant. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities, struggles, and relationships, adding depth and humor to the narrative. The dialogue drives the scene forward and engages the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, emotional depth, and relatable themes. The witty dialogue and realistic portrayal of relationships keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue-driven moments and introspective beats. The rhythm and flow of the interactions keep the audience engaged and maintain a sense of momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting. The visual and auditory elements are well-balanced and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and development. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, engaging the audience and advancing the narrative effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamic between Jake and Maisley, showcasing their contrasting personalities and the challenges Jake faces regarding his social interactions. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, particularly when discussing autism and community. While it's important to address these themes, the conversation could benefit from more subtlety and nuance to avoid feeling didactic.
  • Jake's character is well-established as anxious and self-deprecating, but his sarcasm can come off as dismissive, especially towards Maisley's excitement about her diagnosis. This could alienate the audience from Jake, making it harder to empathize with him. A more balanced approach to his sarcasm could help maintain audience connection.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly in the transitions between Jake's internal struggles and his interactions with customers. The shift from personal dialogue to customer service could be smoother, perhaps by incorporating more physical actions or reactions from Jake that reflect his emotional state.
  • Maisley's character shines through her enthusiasm and willingness to help Jake, but her motivations could be clearer. Why is she so invested in helping him? Adding a line or two that hints at her own experiences or desires could deepen her character and make her offer feel more genuine.
  • The humor in the scene is effective, but it sometimes feels forced, particularly in Jake's responses. Finding a balance between humor and the seriousness of the topics discussed could enhance the emotional weight of the scene. Consider allowing moments of silence or reflection after key lines to let the audience absorb the gravity of the conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider softening Jake's sarcasm when responding to Maisley's news about her diagnosis. Instead of a flat 'Congratulations, it’s a terrific life,' perhaps he could express a mix of support and his own struggles, making it more relatable.
  • Introduce more physicality in Jake's actions to reflect his emotional state. For example, he could fidget with items at the register or avoid eye contact with customers, which would visually convey his anxiety.
  • Add a brief moment where Maisley shares a personal anecdote about her own experiences with autism, which could provide context for her enthusiasm and make her offer to help feel more heartfelt.
  • Incorporate a moment of silence or a pause after Jake's more serious lines to allow the weight of his words to resonate with the audience, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to include more natural banter that flows seamlessly between the serious and humorous elements, allowing the characters' personalities to shine through without feeling forced.



Scene 15 -  Facing the Party
INT. JAKE'S CAR- NIGHT

Jake turns off the car. He is parked outside an EXPENSIVE
MODERN STYLE HOUSE. The glow of party lights and sounds of
chatter spill into the street. Next to him, in the passenger
seat, sits Maisley, putting mascara on in the mirror. He
looks over at her and takes in her rather robust application
of makeup.

JAKE
...I deserve the fires of hell.

MAISLEY
Relax, bro. I’m like your little
sister.

JAKE
That does not help me relax.

MAISLEY
...”Hi. My name is Daisy. I’m 26. I
met Jake on Hinge.”

JAKE
Fuck. This is rock bottom... Ok...

He takes in a deep breath.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(to himself)
The only way out is through,
Jake... The only way out is
through...
(to Maisley)
How much did he weigh?

MAISLEY
500 pounds.


JAKE
520. My brother would know that...
Name two of his feats of strength.

MAISLEY
He threw a 300 pound man over a 10
foot woodpile, and he lifted a full
grown horse over a 4 foot fence.

JAKE
...Let’s rock and roll, kiddo.

Maisley claps.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jake parks outside a lively party, feeling anxious and at a low point in his life. With the support of Maisley, who lightens the mood with humor and camaraderie, Jake begins to regain his confidence. They share a light-hearted conversation about Jake's brother's strength, helping him focus and prepare for the event. The scene captures a mix of anxiety and humor, ending with Jake feeling resolved and ready to face the party.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, anxiety, and reflection to create an engaging and relatable moment in Jake's journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jake seeking a date to impress his brother adds depth to his character and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of Jake's dilemma with dating and his interactions with Maisley provide both humor and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of a relatable social situation, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that add depth to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jake and Maisley are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a strong dynamic that drives the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Jake experiences a shift in perspective and a willingness to confront his fears about dating, showing growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal in this scene is to confront his feelings of embarrassment and discomfort about his current situation, specifically his date with Maisley and the circumstances surrounding it. This reflects his deeper need for self-acceptance and the desire to navigate through challenging situations with grace.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal in this scene is to navigate through the awkwardness of the situation and maintain a sense of composure in front of Maisley. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his date and the potential judgment from others at the party.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal for Jake, as he grapples with his insecurities and the pressure to find a date.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict for the characters, with obstacles and challenges that test their resolve and push them to confront their fears and insecurities.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high for Jake, as his desire to impress his brother and find a date adds tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Jake's personal struggles and setting up potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the evolving dynamics between Jake and Maisley. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate through the awkward and humorous moments.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Jake's internal struggle with his own self-image and the external pressure to conform to societal expectations. This challenges his beliefs about self-worth and the importance of authenticity in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to empathy, as Jake navigates his dating dilemma with Maisley's support.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Jake and Maisley is witty, engaging, and reveals important aspects of their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and humorous interactions that draw the audience into the story. The emotional depth and authenticity of the characters' struggles add to the scene's appeal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor, tension, and introspection, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm that keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's anxiety and self-deprecating humor, which aligns well with his character development throughout the screenplay. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, while Jake's line about deserving 'the fires of hell' is humorous, it could be enhanced by providing a clearer context for his feelings of inadequacy, perhaps referencing a specific past failure or fear related to the party.
  • Maisley's role as a supportive friend is well-established, but her dialogue could be more dynamic. The line where she introduces herself as 'Daisy' feels a bit flat and could be more playful or sarcastic to better reflect her personality. This would also help to contrast her upbeat demeanor with Jake's anxiety, creating a more engaging dynamic.
  • The transition from Jake's internal monologue to his conversation with Maisley is somewhat abrupt. It might be beneficial to include a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes Jake's internal struggle before he speaks to Maisley. This would enhance the pacing and allow the audience to feel his tension more acutely.
  • The mention of Angus MacAskill's feats of strength is a nice touch, tying back to Jake's interests, but it could be more integrated into the scene. Perhaps Jake could express a personal connection to these feats, reflecting on how they relate to his own feelings of inadequacy or his desire to impress his brother. This would add depth to the conversation and reinforce the thematic elements of strength and vulnerability.
  • The scene ends on a positive note with Maisley clapping, which is great for pacing, but it might be more impactful if Jake's response to her enthusiasm was more nuanced. A moment of hesitation or a brief reflection on his feelings before he decides to 'rock and roll' could add emotional weight and complexity to his character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that provides more context for Jake's feelings of inadequacy, perhaps referencing a specific incident that makes him feel like he's at 'rock bottom.'
  • Revise Maisley's introduction as 'Daisy' to be more playful or sarcastic, reflecting her personality and enhancing the contrast with Jake's anxiety.
  • Include a brief moment of silence or a visual cue to emphasize Jake's internal struggle before he engages with Maisley, enhancing the emotional impact.
  • Integrate Jake's personal connection to Angus MacAskill's feats more deeply into the conversation, allowing him to reflect on how they relate to his own insecurities.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or reflection from Jake before he enthusiastically agrees to 'rock and roll,' which would add depth to his character and the scene's emotional resonance.



Scene 16 -  Party Dynamics
INT. SAM AND REBECCA’S HOUSE- CONTINUOUS

Jake opens the door, stepping cautiously into the house.
Maisley walks in after him. About 15-20 people mingle in
clusters, laughter and chatter filling the air. No one seems
to notice them until...

REBECCA
Jakey! You made it!

They hug.

JAKE
Rebecca, this is Daisy. We met on
Hinge.

REBECCA
So great to meet you!

Rebecca hugs Maisley. Maisley hugs back enthusiastically.

MAISLEY
Jake did not mention you were
this... angelic.

REBECCA
Oh... Haha... I would hope not.

Sam comes stumbling over. He’s drunk.

SAM
Jakey! You made it!

He hugs Jake.

SAM (CONT’D)
I learned a random fact for you.
Remind me to tell you later.


REBECCA
Sam this is Jake’s friend Daisy.

Sam shakes Maisley’s hand and points towards Jake.

SAM
It is really great to meet you.
This is a special guy right here.

MAISLEY
Oh I know.

SAM
This is a powerful man...

JAKE
The house is incredible by the way
guys.

SAM
Thanks Jakey! I lobbied for a more
eco-modernist style but Rebecca was
pretty dead set on contemporary
modernist...

MAISLEY
So you guys compromised and went
contemporary modernist. I love it.

Sam laughs. Rebecca does not.

SAM
(to Maisley)
So... Jake tells me you guys talk
about Angus MacAskill sometimes?

MAISLEY
All the time.

Sam takes her in a little bit.

SAM
Crazy that those are his real
clothes on the statue right?

MAISLEY
Yes! So crazy. He was huge.

REBECCA
Well go meet my friends! Mingle.
They’re super chill... Sam can I
talk to you for a second?

Rebecca leads Sam away.


Maisley starts glancing around the room.

JAKE
Ok, they’ve seen you. Let’s get out
of here soon.

MAISLEY
Woah...

Maisley spots an attractive, queer-feminine presenting person
across the room.

MAISLEY (CONT’D)
Gimme a sec...

JAKE
Maisley you have a girlfriend...

Before Jake finishes speaking she starts walking over there.

Jake glances around, watching groups huddled in conversation.
He starts tentatively shuffling around the party, kinda
leaning in to one conversation. SHELBY, 30, is mid sentence.

SHELBY
...I had to change literally
everything, including my
underwear...

JAKE
Uh-oh, what are we talking about
over here?

SHELBY
...Hi. I was just telling a story
about when I was in the Amazon.

JAKE
Oh sweet. How was that?

An original member of the conversation, SEAN, 30s, speaks up.

SEAN
That’s what she was in the middle
of telling us.

JAKE
Oh gotcha, sorry.

Jake continues his awkward shuffle through the party, passing
by a couple on the couch, he nods and smiles at them— no
response.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Jake and Maisley arrive at a lively house party, where they are greeted by Rebecca and a drunken Sam, who shares a random fact. As the conversation shifts to the house's design, Maisley becomes distracted by an attractive guest, despite Jake's reminder about her girlfriend. Jake struggles with social interactions, awkwardly navigating the party and attempting to engage with others, while the playful atmosphere contrasts with his discomfort.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the awkwardness and humor of social interactions, providing insight into the characters' personalities and relationships. The dialogue is engaging and the tone is consistent throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring social awkwardness and humor at a house party is engaging and relatable. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of human interactions and relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around character interactions, introductions, and conflicts, setting up potential developments for future events. It moves the story forward by establishing key relationships and dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as discussing architectural styles and historical figures, which adds freshness to the familiar party setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Each character has distinct traits and quirks that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints of character growth and development, particularly in Jake's interactions with Maisley and other party guests. However, the changes are not significant in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to navigate the social situation at the party and possibly protect Maisley from making a mistake.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to enjoy the party and make a good impression on his friends.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on social dynamics and character interactions rather than intense conflicts. However, there are hints of tension and potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with minor conflicts and tensions arising from social interactions and personal dynamics.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on social interactions and character dynamics. However, there are hints of potential conflicts and challenges that could raise the stakes in future scenes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new characters, establishing relationships, and setting up potential conflicts. It lays the groundwork for future developments and events.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of party interactions and character dynamics, but Maisley's unexpected decision to flirt with someone adds a touch of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a conflict between Maisley's desire to flirt with someone at the party despite having a girlfriend, which challenges the values of loyalty and commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through its exploration of awkwardness, humor, and character dynamics. It engages the audience and creates a sense of connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the awkwardness and humor of social interactions, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the lively party atmosphere, witty dialogue, and the dynamics between the characters that keep the audience interested in the unfolding interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character movements that maintain the energy and flow of the party setting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted, with clear character cues, dialogue tags, and scene descriptions that enhance readability and understanding.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a typical party scene structure, with introductions, conversations, and character interactions flowing smoothly. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the lively atmosphere of the party, but it could benefit from more vivid descriptions of the setting to immerse the audience further. Consider adding sensory details like the sounds of laughter, the smell of food, or the visual decor of the house to create a more engaging environment.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, but some exchanges feel a bit expository, particularly when Sam introduces Jake and Maisley. Instead of stating that Jake is a 'special guy,' consider showing this through actions or reactions from other characters, which would make the dialogue feel more organic.
  • Maisley's sudden interest in another person feels abrupt and could use more buildup. A brief moment of internal conflict or hesitation from Jake about her actions could enhance the emotional stakes and highlight his insecurities.
  • Jake's awkwardness is well portrayed, but the scene could delve deeper into his internal thoughts or feelings. Adding a few lines of internal monologue could help the audience connect with his character and understand his discomfort in social situations.
  • The transition from the initial warm greetings to Jake's awkward navigation through the party is a bit jarring. A smoother transition or a moment of reflection from Jake could help bridge these two parts of the scene more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the setting description by incorporating sensory details that evoke the party atmosphere, such as music, laughter, and the visual aesthetics of the house.
  • Show Jake's character traits through actions or reactions rather than relying on dialogue to describe him. This will create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Introduce Maisley's interest in another person with more subtlety, perhaps by showing her glancing at them earlier in the scene or having Jake notice her distraction before she walks away.
  • Incorporate internal monologue for Jake to express his feelings about the party and his social anxiety, allowing the audience to empathize with his character more deeply.
  • Create a smoother transition between the warm greetings and Jake's awkwardness by including a moment where he reflects on the social dynamics around him before he starts mingling.



Scene 17 -  Flirtation and Facts at the Party
INT. SAM AND REBECCA’S HOUSE- LATER IN THE EVENING


Maisley is flirting with her new friend, NINA, 23. The
interest appears to be reciprocal.

MAISLEY
...No, Womb Envy was pioneered by
Karen Horny. Marsha Linehan was the
psychoanalyst that founded DBT.

NINA
...Are you real?

MAISLEY
(smiling big)
Nope.

Elsewhere, Jake is talking to a MAN, early 30s.

JAKE
...Think about it like this...
Andre the Giant was 7 feet tall
with a chest that was 60 inches
around. Angus MacAskill was 7’9
with a chest that was 80 inches
around.

PARTY MAN
...Holy shit.

JAKE
Right?
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary At a lively party hosted by Sam and Rebecca, Maisley engages in playful flirtation with Nina, showcasing her knowledge of psychology, while Jake awkwardly shares trivia about famous giants with another guest. The scene highlights the contrasting social dynamics, with Maisley and Nina's chemistry providing a playful tone against Jake's more clumsy interactions. The light-hearted atmosphere continues as Jake's conversation unfolds, leaving a sense of ongoing social engagement.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Educational banter
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with witty dialogue and engaging interactions between characters, providing both humor and educational value. It effectively blends comedy and romance elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around playful banter and educational exchanges, adding depth to the characters and creating an entertaining atmosphere. It effectively combines humor and romance elements.

Plot: 7.5

The plot of the scene focuses on character interactions and relationship dynamics, moving the story forward by developing connections between the characters. It sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its blend of intellectual conversation and social interaction, creating a unique dynamic among the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and engaging, each bringing a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual quirks and interests, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, as the focus is more on establishing relationships and showcasing personalities through dialogue.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with others intellectually and socially, showcasing their knowledge and wit.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to engage in meaningful conversations and make connections at the party.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene has a low level of conflict, focusing more on light-hearted banter and character interactions rather than intense drama or tension.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with characters engaging in friendly banter and intellectual discussions without significant conflict.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, centered around social interactions and personal connections rather than high drama or intense conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing character relationships and setting the stage for future events, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected intellectual topics and humorous exchanges between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between intellectualism and social interaction. The characters are balancing their desire for intellectual stimulation with the need for social connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting amusement and curiosity from the audience through witty dialogue and engaging interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, driving the scene forward with entertaining banter and educational exchanges. It effectively reveals character traits and builds relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue and dynamic interactions between the characters, keeping the audience interested in the conversations and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in balancing the multiple conversations and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy party scene, with clear character identifiers and dialogue tags.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a party scene in a screenplay, with multiple conversations happening simultaneously and showcasing different character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively contrasts Maisley's confident and flirtatious demeanor with Jake's awkwardness, highlighting their differing social skills. However, the dialogue could benefit from more depth to enhance character development. Maisley's banter with Nina is fun but lacks a clear purpose in advancing the plot or revealing more about her character beyond flirtation.
  • Jake's conversation about Angus MacAskill and Andre the Giant is informative but feels somewhat disconnected from the party's social dynamics. While it showcases his passion for trivia, it doesn't engage the partygoer or the audience emotionally. This could be an opportunity to explore Jake's feelings of isolation or his desire for connection, making his dialogue more relatable.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. Maisley's flirtation is lively and engaging, while Jake's interaction is more static and lacks energy. This contrast could be used to create a more dynamic interplay between the two characters, perhaps by having Jake's awkwardness inadvertently draw attention to Maisley's charm, or vice versa.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or conflict. While Jake is socially awkward, there is no immediate tension or stakes in his conversation. Introducing a moment of vulnerability or a challenge for Jake could heighten the emotional impact and make the audience more invested in his journey.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be enhanced to better reflect the contrasting dynamics between Jake and Maisley. For instance, using camera angles or framing to emphasize Jake's isolation in the crowd compared to Maisley's vibrant interaction with Nina could visually reinforce the emotional themes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Jake's knowledge about Angus MacAskill leads to an awkward but humorous situation that highlights his social struggles, making his character more relatable.
  • Incorporate a brief exchange between Jake and the partygoer that reveals more about Jake's insecurities or desires, perhaps by having the partygoer ask a question that makes Jake reflect on his feelings about relationships.
  • Enhance the pacing by intercutting between Maisley's flirtation and Jake's awkwardness, creating a rhythm that emphasizes the contrast between their experiences at the party.
  • Introduce a small conflict or challenge for Jake during his conversation, such as being interrupted or facing a question he struggles to answer, which could add tension and depth to his character.
  • Use visual storytelling techniques, such as close-ups on Jake's expressions or body language, to convey his feelings of isolation and contrast them with the lively interactions happening around him.



Scene 18 -  Awkward Encounters at the Party
INT. SAM'S HOUSE- LATER

Maisley is still engrossed in conversation with her new
companion. Jake sits alone on the couch playing DOODLE JUMP
on his phone. Sam walks over and sits down next to him.

SAM
Hey buddy, how ya doin?

JAKE
Livin’ the dream.

Jake keeps his eyes locked on doodle jump.

SAM
Your date seems like she’s having
fun...

JAKE
She does, doesn’t she?

Jake dies in doodle jump.


JAKE (CONT’D)
Damnit...

He looks up at Sam.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Sorry if I’m weirding out people at
your party.

SAM
Don’t say that Jakey. You have a
powerful energy that people wanna
be around.

JAKE
Except clearly I don’t. The only
one that invites me to stuff is
you, because I’m your closest
relative and your brain is wired by
evolution to wanna help me... In a
hunter-gatherer tribe, I would be
cast out.

SAM
Jakey I told you I learned a random
fact for you right? You ever heard
of Margaret Mead?

JAKE
No.

SAM
She was a scientist... Or, like, a
historian maybe. I don’t know. But
someone asked her when she thought
human civilization began and she
said 15,000 years ago... Or...
5,000 years ago maybe, one of
those. Because that’s the earliest
we see remains of broken femur
bones that had healed.

JAKE
...Why is that the beginning of
civilization?

SAM
Because when an animal in the wild
breaks their femur, they never
survive long enough for the bone to
heal. Cause the other animals don’t
help em’.
(MORE)
SAM (CONT’D)
But 15,000 or 5,000 or how ever
many years ago, humans apparently
started taking care of people that
couldn’t take care of themselves.
And that’s what makes us human.
Keeping some people alive just
cause we like havin’ em’ around.

JAKE
So I’m the one with the broken
femur in this analogy?

SAM
You get what I’m trying to say
dude. I memorized that fact for
you.

Maisley interjects.

MAISLEY
Hey Jake, can I talk to you for a
sec.

JAKE
Yeah.

Jake gets up. Maisley speaks to him quietly.

MAISLEY
Soooo... I’m going home with Nina.

JAKE
What?! Bad! Maisley... What am I
supposed to do here? Am I supposed
to stop you?

MAISLEY
I’m an adult, bro. Not a big deal.

While she’s talking, Jake sees ANGUS standing just outside
the sliding glass door. He’s so tall that we can only see him
from the chest down.

Angus POINTS to the left.

Jake looks and there’s a beautiful woman standing by herself
in front of the snack table, DOUBLE DIPPING into the hummus.
This is ELLIE, early 30s.

JAKE
Who’s that?

Maisley looks.


MAISLEY
She’s perfect. Approach!

JAKE
No thanks.

MAISLEY
Dude, can you just... be a man.

Jake looks at Maisley for a while. Then back at the woman.

JAKE
Fuck it.

He walks over there, grabs a carrot, dips it in the hummus,
and takes a bite.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Big hummus fan?

ELLIE
Big hummus fan.

JAKE
I don’t blame you. It’s healthy and
it’s delicious, which, I feel like
is a surprisingly rare combo.

ELLIE
It is surprisingly rare. You would
think evolution would program the
body to crave what’s actually
healthy for it.

JAKE
Right!? Like, I wish I loved
vegetables as much as my Guinea
pigs do. You try to offer them a
cinnamon roll, or filet mignon,
they’re gonna look at you like,
“what the fuck is this?” You offer
them carrots? They lose their
minds.

She laughs.

ELLIE
I’m Ellie by the way.

JAKE
I’m Jake. Nice to meet you. How do
you know Sam?


ELLIE
I don’t. I’m here with my friend.

JAKE
That’s brave. If I know less than 3
people at a party... guaranteed
panic attack.

ELLIE
Why do you think I’m hanging out by
the snacks?

JAKE
Classic move. If you haven’t tried
hiding in the bathroom yet, that
works really well.

ELLIE
I think this party might be too
intimate for hiding in the
bathroom. Everyone would assume I
was dropping a fat deuce in there.

JAKE
Right, which could play as a power
move.

ELLIE
...You ever heard of an “upper
decker?”

JAKE
Is that when you take the lid off
the toilet and poop into the tank?

She nods.

ELLIE
Dare you to do one.

Jake laughs.

JAKE
...Wow.

ELLIE
What?

JAKE
Nothing. I’m just... Intrigued by
you.

ELLIE
What about me intrigues you?


JAKE
I’m still trying to figure it out.

ELLIE
Ask me anything.

JAKE
What’s the pound for pound
strongest animal in the animal
kingdom?

ELLIE
The Mantis Shrimp?

JAKE
Correct!

ELLIE
What’s the only animal that can
survive in outer space?

JAKE
Tardigrades?

ELLIE
Yes! Also known as water bears...
but yes! What’s the animal that can
survive the highest levels of
radiation, the most extreme
temperatures and the most pounds of
pressure?

JAKE
I don’t know.

ELLIE
Also Water Bears!

JAKE
...Wow. Tough little guys.

ELLIE
They’re the toughest animals on the
planet. In climates where there’s
no food or water, they can shut
their bodies down, and then
reanimate themselves up to 30 years
later, if water becomes available
again... Just me, personally, I
think they’re from a different
planet.

JAKE
They’re your favorite huh?


ELLIE
Ohhhhh yeah. They’re my special
interest right now...

Pause.

JAKE
Your special interest?

ELLIE
Mhm.

Jake looks over at Angus who gives him a thumbs up.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
What are you looking at?

Ellie turns around and sees Angus standing there behind the
sliding glass door. She SCREAMS. Everyone at the party goes
quiet and stares at her. Then everyone looks at the sliding
glass door... There’s nothing there. Everyone looks back at
Ellie.

ELLIE (CONT’D)
Oh my God I’m so sorry I thought...
I’m sorry...

Ellie walks out of the party. Everyone stares at Jake,
including Maisley, Sam, and Rebecca. He freezes.

Angus is just outside the window again. He kneels down to
look in. A warm, pained smile graces his face.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Romance"]

Summary At a lively party, Jake feels out of place while his date, Maisley, engages with someone else. Encouraged by Sam's insights on human connection, Jake gathers the courage to approach Ellie at the snack table. They bond over hummus and quirky animal facts until Ellie panics at the sight of Angus outside, causing a commotion. She quickly apologizes and leaves, leaving Jake embarrassed and frozen as Angus looks in with a pained smile.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
  • Unexpected connections
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character growth within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, introspection, and character development to create an engaging and relatable moment. The dialogue is witty and natural, the interactions feel authentic, and the scene moves the story forward while providing insight into the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring social awkwardness, unique interests, and unexpected connections at a party is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of human interaction and the nuances of individual personalities.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around character interactions, introductions, and the development of new connections. It moves the story forward by deepening relationships and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on social interactions and personal growth, incorporating humor, introspection, and philosophical discussions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities, quirks, and motivations. Their interactions feel genuine, their dialogue is engaging, and their development is evident throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics and connections, the scene primarily focuses on introducing new relationships and deepening existing ones. Characters show vulnerability, humor, and authenticity, setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Jake's internal goal is to navigate social interactions and overcome feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. He seeks validation and connection with others.

External Goal: 7

Jake's external goal is to engage with Ellie and potentially form a connection or relationship. He is trying to step out of his comfort zone and make a positive impression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on character dynamics, humor, and introspection. While there are moments of tension and awkwardness, the overall conflict is subtle and serves to enhance the character interactions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with internal conflicts and social dynamics creating tension and uncertainty. Jake's interactions with Ellie and Maisley add complexity to the character relationships.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on character interactions, humor, and introspection. While there are moments of tension and awkwardness, the overall stakes are personal and relational.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new connections, deepening relationships, and setting up potential conflicts. It adds depth to the characters, expands the narrative, and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene offers some unpredictability through unexpected character interactions and revelations. Ellie's sudden departure adds a surprising twist to the social dynamics at the party.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of human connection and vulnerability. Jake and Ellie discuss survival instincts and unique animal traits, reflecting on the complexities of human relationships and personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting both humor and introspection from the audience. The characters' vulnerabilities, quirks, and unexpected connections create a sense of empathy and engagement.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is witty, natural, and reflective of each character's personality. It drives the interactions, reveals insights into the characters, and adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, vulnerability, and philosophical discussions. The characters' interactions and personal revelations keep the audience invested in the story and character development.

Pacing: 8

The scene's pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character development. The natural flow of conversation and interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, effectively conveying character actions, dialogue, and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character interactions, maintaining a balance between humor, drama, and introspection. The pacing and structure enhance the scene's effectiveness and engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Jake's awkwardness and social anxiety, which is a central theme throughout the screenplay. His interactions with Ellie are humorous and relatable, showcasing his unique perspective and interests. However, the pacing feels a bit uneven, particularly when transitioning from Jake's internal thoughts to his dialogue with Ellie. The buildup to the moment when Ellie screams could be more gradual to enhance the comedic impact.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, particularly the exchanges about animal facts and the concept of 'upper deckers.' However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, Jake's line about his guinea pigs could be more concise to maintain the flow of the conversation.
  • The introduction of Angus as a looming figure outside the sliding glass door is a clever visual element that adds to the tension and humor. However, the reveal of Angus could be more impactful if there were a stronger buildup to Ellie’s reaction. The suddenness of her scream feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual escalation of tension.
  • Jake's character development is evident as he attempts to engage with Ellie, but the scene could delve deeper into his internal conflict. While he shows interest in Ellie, his self-doubt and anxiety could be more explicitly expressed to heighten the stakes of the interaction.
  • The ending, where Ellie leaves abruptly, is effective in showcasing Jake's social struggles, but it might leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. A brief moment of reflection from Jake after Ellie leaves could provide a stronger emotional punch and allow the audience to connect more deeply with his character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Jake hesitates before approaching Ellie, showcasing his internal struggle more vividly. This could heighten the tension and make his eventual decision to engage feel more significant.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any unnecessary filler words or phrases. For example, streamline Jake's comments about his guinea pigs to keep the conversation flowing smoothly.
  • Enhance the buildup to Ellie's scream by incorporating subtle hints of Angus's presence before the reveal. This could involve Jake glancing at the door or feeling a sense of unease, which would make the scream more impactful.
  • Include a brief moment of introspection for Jake after Ellie leaves, allowing him to process the situation and reflect on his feelings. This could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene and provide closure for the audience.
  • Consider using more physical comedy or visual gags to complement the dialogue, especially during the moments leading up to Ellie's scream. This could enhance the humor and make the scene more dynamic.