Read Inside Job with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Frustration in the Parking Lot
EXT. STRIP MALL PARKING LOT – DAY

Bright, unforgiving sunlight. The kind of place where dreams
go to die: a faded Cash Cow Loans next to a dollar store with
a flickering sign.

MARA SLOAN (38), business casual and barely holding it
together, sits in her parked car. She stares at a plastic
folder labeled "RESUMÉ – NEW VERSION."


INT. MARA’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

She’s mouthing answers to imaginary interview questions.
Practicing.

MARA
(confident)
I'm a team player who thrives under
pressure. I'm—

She stops, checks her reflection. Her mascara’s smudged. She
wipes it with a fast-food napkin. Adds a touch of lipstick.

MARA (CONT’D)
...I'm lying through my teeth.

She gets out.

CUT TO:


INT. STRIP MALL OFFICE – 10 MINUTES LATER

A lifeless interview. MARA sits across from a YOUNG MANAGER
(24), who’s clearly never worked a hard day in his life.

YOUNG MANAGER
And where do you see yourself in
five years?

MARA
With health insurance and less
resentment in my eyes.

YOUNG MANAGER
(clearly uncomfortable)
Uh-huh... Great. We’ll be in touch.

CUT TO:


EXT. MARA’S CAR – LATER

MARA slams the door. Shouts into the void.

MARA
I once managed three branches and
balanced two million in cash! But
sure, let's give the job to Kyle
and his vape collection!

She screams into her steering wheel.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mara Sloan, a 38-year-old woman, prepares for a job interview in her car, grappling with her appearance and self-doubt. After a lackluster interview with a young, inexperienced manager, she leaves feeling overlooked and frustrated, expressing her anger in her car as she confronts the harsh realities of the job market.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Humorous yet poignant tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some cliched elements in the setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the frustration and disillusionment of the protagonist while injecting humor into the situation. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the character of Mara.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a disillusioned woman facing the absurdity of job interviews in a strip mall setting is unique and engaging. It provides a fresh perspective on the struggles of the middle-aged working class.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Mara's internal conflict and her external challenges in the job interview. It sets up her character arc and establishes the tone for the rest of the screenplay.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of the struggles of unemployment and the absurdity of job interviews. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Mara is a well-developed character with depth and relatability. Her frustration and wit make her engaging to the audience. The young manager serves as a contrast to Mara's experience and adds to the conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Mara undergoes a subtle shift in her perspective, realizing the absurdity of the situation and finding a sense of empowerment in her frustration. This sets up potential growth for her character.

Internal Goal: 9

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her sense of self-worth and integrity despite the challenges she faces. It reflects her deeper need for validation and her fear of failure.

External Goal: 8

Mara's external goal in this scene is to secure a job and financial stability. It reflects the immediate circumstances of her unemployment and the challenges she faces in the job market.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is primarily internal for Mara, as she grapples with her own sense of identity and worth in the job market. The external conflict with the young manager adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Mara faces obstacles in the form of incompetent interviewers and societal expectations.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not life-threatening, they are high for Mara in terms of her sense of self-worth and identity. The outcome of the job interview has significant implications for her future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Mara's current situation, her internal conflict, and the challenges she faces in the job market. It sets up future conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because Mara's outburst and defiance subvert the expectations of a typical job interview scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Mara's honesty and the need to conform to societal expectations in order to secure a job. It challenges her beliefs about integrity and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy for Mara's struggles and frustration, drawing the audience into her emotional state. The humor adds a layer of complexity to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters effectively. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the universal experience of job hunting and the frustration of dealing with incompetent interviewers.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension during the interview and releasing it in Mara's outburst.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The opening description of the strip mall sets a strong tone, effectively conveying a sense of despair and stagnation. However, it could benefit from more vivid imagery or sensory details to enhance the reader's connection to Mara's emotional state.
  • Mara's internal dialogue is relatable and provides insight into her character, but the transition from her confident practice to self-deprecation feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow and deepen the audience's understanding of her insecurities.
  • The dialogue during the interview is sharp and highlights the disconnect between Mara and the young manager. However, the manager's character could be fleshed out more to avoid him feeling like a one-dimensional stereotype. Adding a line or two that shows his perspective or discomfort could create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Mara's outburst in the car is a powerful moment that captures her frustration, but it might be more impactful if it were preceded by a moment of silence or reflection. This would allow the audience to feel the weight of her emotions before she releases them.
  • The scene effectively establishes Mara's character and her struggles, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional arc. Consider incorporating a moment of vulnerability or a flashback that reveals more about her past experiences, which would add depth to her current situation.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the opening description of the strip mall with more sensory details, such as sounds or smells, to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or hesitation before Mara's self-deprecating comment to create a smoother transition and deepen her emotional complexity.
  • Develop the young manager's character by giving him a line that reflects his own insecurities or discomfort, making the interaction feel more nuanced.
  • Introduce a moment of silence or introspection before Mara's outburst in the car to heighten the emotional impact of her frustration.
  • Incorporate a flashback or a brief memory that reveals more about Mara's past successes or failures, providing context for her current feelings of inadequacy.



Scene 2 -  Late Night Shenanigans
INT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

TIFF LOPEZ (32), tough, loud, and always ready to throw
hands, is arguing with the self-checkout machine. Her
daughter LUNA (6) looks mortified.

TIFF
How do I owe $12.47? I scanned
exactly three things and one of
them was ramen!

She hits the HELP button repeatedly.

LUNA
Mom, you said you wouldn't yell at
robots anymore.

TIFF
I'm not yelling. I'm...negotiating.

A bored TEEN CLERK approaches. TIFF puts on a fake smile.

TIFF (CONT’D)
Hi there. Friendly neighborhood
single mom. Can you fix your broken
capitalist scanner?

TEEN CLERK
You have twelve bags of Hot
Cheetos.

TIFF
They’re buy-one-get-eleven-free.
Check the circular.


INT. SMALL APARTMENT – SAME TIME

JULES NGUYEN (26), glam, chaotic, and sipping rosé through a
crazy straw, livestreams from a cluttered room.


JULES
(to camera)
Hey, besties! Tonight we’re talking
heists. Because if I have to work
one more bridal makeup job where
someone cries off their eyeliner
mid-ceremony, I swear to God I’m
turning into The Joker.

She clicks open a PowerPoint titled:


“CRIMES I COULD MAYBE GET AWAY WITH”

JULES
...And if you're wondering, yes —
robbing a bank is still technically
illegal, but did you know most
banks don’t even have armed guards
anymore?

She winks at the camera.

CUT TO:


INT. BAR – NIGHT

Our trio: MARA, TIFF, and JULES sit at a corner booth. Three
friends, three drinks too deep.

TIFF
I’m just saying — if we robbed that
dusty old bank downtown, we’d
probably do better than whatever
dumbasses are robbing banks these
days.

MARA
We used to work there. We know the
floor plan, the alarm codes—

JULES
—And which donuts the security guy
is weak for. Power ring!

TIFF
Oh, I forgot about Carl and his
cream addiction.

They laugh.

Beat.


Then, silence.

Then—

JULES
Wait... Are we... joking?

MARA
(sips drink)
I mean... not really?

They look at each other. Beat.

TIFF
We’d need wigs. And a van. And one
of those bags with the dollar sign.

JULES
(laughing)
And probably a backup plan for when
it all goes to shit.

MARA
That is the plan.

They all raise their glasses.

FREEZE FRAME — just for a beat.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime"]

Summary In a grocery store at night, Tiff Lopez argues with a self-checkout machine over an unexpected charge, much to the embarrassment of her daughter Luna. After a humorous exchange with a bored teen clerk about her excessive Hot Cheetos purchase, the scene shifts to Jules Nguyen livestreaming from her cluttered apartment, joking about heists. Later, at a bar, Tiff, Jules, and their friend Mara laugh while discussing the possibility of robbing a bank they once worked at, leading to a comedic realization that they might be serious about their absurd plan.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, character development, and plot progression through the entertaining discussion of a bank heist plan. The witty dialogue and playful interactions keep the audience engaged and set up potential future conflicts and developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of friends jokingly planning a bank heist adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene. It sets up potential conflicts, character development, and plot twists, creating anticipation for future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the trio of friends discussing a bank heist plan, which not only serves as a humorous and entertaining moment but also hints at potential future events and conflicts. The scene moves the story forward by establishing the characters' motivations and dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the heist genre by combining humor with crime elements and exploring the characters' moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and distinct, with each friend showcasing unique personality traits and quirks. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their individual perspectives and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the banter and interactions between the friends hint at potential growth and development in their relationships and individual arcs. The scene sets the stage for future character evolution.

Internal Goal: 8

TIFF's internal goal is to assert her independence and strength as a single mother, while also showcasing her humorous and tough personality.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the challenges of everyday life, including dealing with technology, financial struggles, and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While the scene lacks intense conflict, the underlying tension of joking about a potential crime adds a layer of intrigue and sets up potential conflicts in the future. The conflict is more subtle and character-driven in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, as the characters grapple with the moral implications of their actions. The audience is left wondering about the characters' choices.

High Stakes: 7

While the idea of planning a bank heist adds a sense of risk and adventure, the scene maintains a light-hearted and humorous tone, reducing the perceived stakes. The high stakes are more implied than explicitly portrayed.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the trio of friends, establishing their dynamics, and hinting at potential plot developments with the bank heist plan. It sets up future conflicts and events, advancing the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the idea of a heist in a seemingly ordinary setting, challenging the audience's expectations and creating suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral boundaries and the blurred lines between right and wrong. The characters flirt with the idea of committing a crime, challenging their own values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits amusement and light-heartedness from the audience, creating an emotional connection through humor and camaraderie. The witty dialogue and playful interactions evoke a positive emotional response.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the distinct voices of each character. The banter between the friends feels authentic and entertaining, driving the scene forward and revealing insights into their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the intriguing premise of a potential heist. The humor and tension keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions contribute to the scene's overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It maintains a good pace and rhythm, engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the comedic tone of the screenplay, contrasting Tiff's frustration with the self-checkout machine against the absurdity of Jules' livestream. This juxtaposition sets a lighthearted mood that aligns well with the overall theme of the script.
  • Tiff's character is well-defined through her dialogue and actions, showcasing her tough demeanor and humorous approach to everyday frustrations. However, Luna's role feels underdeveloped; her reactions could be expanded to enhance the comedic effect and provide more depth to their mother-daughter dynamic.
  • Jules' introduction through her livestream is clever and aligns with the modern context of social media influencing. However, the transition from the grocery store to Jules' apartment could benefit from a more seamless visual or thematic connection to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, particularly the banter among the trio at the bar. However, the moment of realization about potentially robbing the bank could be heightened with more tension or stakes, as it currently feels a bit abrupt. A stronger build-up to this moment would enhance the impact.
  • The freeze frame at the end is a fun stylistic choice, but it may feel jarring if not executed with a clear visual cue or sound effect that ties it to the preceding dialogue. Consider how this moment can be visually distinct yet cohesive with the overall tone.
Suggestions
  • Expand Luna's character by giving her a few more lines or reactions that highlight her embarrassment or support for Tiff, which could add depth to their relationship and enhance the humor.
  • Consider adding a visual transition or a thematic link between the grocery store and Jules' apartment to create a smoother flow between the two locations, perhaps through a shared motif or a quick montage.
  • Build more tension leading up to the realization that they might be serious about robbing the bank. This could involve a moment of hesitation or a humorous debate about the risks involved, making the decision feel more significant.
  • Enhance the freeze frame moment with a sound effect or visual cue that emphasizes the comedic tone, ensuring it feels like a natural conclusion to the scene rather than an abrupt cut.
  • Incorporate more physical comedy or visual gags during Tiff's interaction with the self-checkout machine to amplify the humor and showcase her character's personality more vividly.



Scene 3 -  Midnight Musings and Morning Mischief
INT. MARA’S APARTMENT – LATER

MARA lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her alarm clock
ticks toward 3:00 a.m.

She whispers...

MARA
We're really gonna do this.

CUT TO BLACK.


EXT. FIRST FEDERAL BANK – NEXT DAY – MORNING

The building stands like a relic from another time — old
stone, faded signage, and boarded-up side windows. A sign out
front reads:


“COMING SOON: FUSION FUEL – HYDROGEN GAS STATION”


INT. TIFF’S BEAT-UP MINIVAN – PARKED ACROSS THE STREET – SAME

TIFF, MARA, and JULES sit in the van. They stare at the bank
like it’s a wild animal.

JULES
Okay, so... we’re just casing it.
No one’s robbing anything. Yet.

TIFF
Right. Just looking. Like window
shopping for felonies.

MARA
(eyeing her old
workplace)
Place looks worse than I remember.

TIFF
I once caught a raccoon in the
breakroom. That was the highlight
of my employment.

JULES
Okay — checklist. Who brought
disguises?

TIFF holds up a wig that looks like a mullet.

TIFF
It was on clearance at Party City.
Don’t judge.

JULES
(holds up sunglasses)
I brought my Kylie Jenner
knockoffs.

MARA
I brought a tote bag and unresolved
trauma.

They nod. That’ll do.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In the early hours of the morning, MARA lies in bed, grappling with a pivotal decision regarding a bank heist. The next day, outside the dilapidated First Federal Bank, now being converted into a hydrogen gas station, MARA, TIFF, and JULES prepare for their mission in a beat-up minivan. As they discuss their disguises and share humorous yet anxious memories of the bank, MARA reflects on her unresolved issues. The scene captures their camaraderie amidst the tension of their plan, ending with a nod of agreement as they commit to their preparations.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Blend of humor and seriousness
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on character motivations
  • Risk of tonal inconsistency

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor with a sense of determination and frustration, setting up the premise for a potential heist. The dialogue is engaging, and the characters' interactions are intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a group of friends contemplating a heist adds an element of intrigue and excitement to the story. The scene effectively sets up the potential conflict and challenges the characters may face.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters discuss the logistics of the heist, setting up the potential conflict and stakes for future events. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a significant turning point.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the characters' personal motivations and emotional journeys. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each bringing a unique personality and perspective to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their motivations and relationships, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes as they transition from joking about a heist to seriously considering the plan. Their motivations and relationships evolve, setting the stage for potential growth and conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past trauma and reclaim her sense of agency. Her desire to participate in the heist reflects her need for empowerment and control over her life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to plan a heist on the bank that used to be her workplace. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of executing a successful robbery and achieving financial gain.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters consider the risks and rewards of a potential heist. The internal and external conflicts add tension and intrigue to the story, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' goals. The obstacles they face add complexity and challenge to their heist plan.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters contemplate the risks and rewards of a potential heist. The decision to rob a bank carries significant consequences, adding tension and excitement to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a significant plot development - the characters' decision to potentially rob a bank. It sets up future events and challenges, driving the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected reactions and decisions, as well as the uncertain outcome of the heist. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral dilemma of committing a crime for personal gain. This challenges their beliefs about right and wrong, and tests their loyalty to each other.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, balancing humor with moments of reflection and determination. The characters' frustrations and aspirations evoke empathy and curiosity from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities and dynamics. It effectively conveys the humor and seriousness of the situation, keeping the audience entertained and invested in the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the suspenseful setup for the heist. The humor and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, balancing dialogue with action, and maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, character introductions, and a clear goal established. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the previous moment of camaraderie to a more serious tone as the characters prepare for their heist. However, the shift could be more pronounced to emphasize the gravity of their decision. The contrast between the light-heartedness of the previous scene and the tension of the heist could be enhanced by incorporating more internal conflict within Mara, showcasing her doubts or fears as they approach the bank.
  • The dialogue is humorous and captures the characters' personalities well, but it could benefit from deeper emotional stakes. For instance, while the banter about disguises is entertaining, it might be more impactful if Mara expressed her anxiety or regret about returning to her old workplace, adding layers to her character and the situation.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, particularly the imagery of the bank as a 'relic from another time.' However, the scene could be enriched by including more sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the setting. For example, describing the sounds of the city waking up or the smell of the morning air could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, especially with the quick cuts between Mara's internal thoughts and the external action. Slowing down the moment when Mara lies in bed could allow for a more profound reflection on her decision, giving the audience a chance to connect with her emotional state before jumping into the action.
  • The use of humor is effective, but it might overshadow the seriousness of their plan. Balancing the comedic elements with moments of tension or reflection could create a more dynamic scene that resonates with the audience's emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a deep breath from Mara before she whispers her line, allowing the audience to feel the weight of her decision.
  • Incorporate a brief flashback or memory that highlights Mara's past experiences at the bank, which could serve to deepen her emotional connection to the place and heighten the stakes.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing the sounds, smells, and sights of the morning, creating a more vivid atmosphere that contrasts with the characters' intentions.
  • Allow for a moment of hesitation or doubt from Mara before she fully commits to the plan, showcasing her internal conflict and making her decision feel more significant.
  • Balance the humor with moments of seriousness by having the characters reflect on the potential consequences of their actions, which could add depth to their interactions and the overall narrative.



Scene 4 -  Chaos at the Bank
EXT. BANK ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

They sneak around the back, peeking through a dusty window.
MARA pulls out a folded sketch of the floor plan.

JULES
(whispers)
We look like three kids trying to
buy beer without ID.


MARA
That back exit leads to the vault
corridor. If it’s still laid out
the same—

Suddenly, a LOUD BANG from inside. They freeze.

TIFF
Was that...?

JULES
Gunshot?

MARA
Or someone dropped a safe?

They peer through the glass.


INT. BANK LOBBY – THROUGH WINDOW

TWO MASKED ROBBERS are mid-robbery. One waves a gun. The
other is trying to tape up the nervous BANK MANAGER.

JULES
(eyes wide)
Are we... getting robbed by other
robbers?

TIFF
We got scooped?

MARA
That’s our bank!

JULES
What do we do?

TIFF
I vote we leave. Immediately.

MARA
Wait — what if we pretend we’re
negotiators? Or maintenance? Or—

JULES
I cannot die in this wig.

TIFF
Screw it. We are not leaving
without at least trying to steal
something.


MARA
(beat)
Then let’s improvise.

They look at each other. It’s happening.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Mara, Jules, and Tiff sneak around the back of a bank, where they discover a robbery in progress. As they observe two masked robbers inside, the trio debates their next move, with Tiff suggesting they leave and Mara proposing they pose as negotiators. Despite Jules' anxiety about the situation, they ultimately decide to improvise and attempt to steal something amidst the chaos, signaling their determination to proceed despite the risks.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Unexpected twist
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and suspense to create an engaging and unexpected turn of events. The dialogue is sharp, and the character dynamics are well-developed, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, a group of friends inadvertently stumbling upon a bank robbery while planning their own heist, is both original and intriguing. It sets up a high-stakes situation that tests the characters' resolve and creates opportunities for conflict and character development.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward significantly. The unexpected turn of events adds a new layer of complexity to the characters' plans and sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on a classic heist scenario by introducing unexpected elements and character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions and reactions to the situation. The camaraderie and banter between Mara, Tiff, and Jules feel authentic and add depth to their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the characters are forced to adapt to a new and dangerous situation, which tests their relationships and decision-making skills.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in and come out unscathed. This reflects their desire for survival and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out a plan of action in response to the robbery happening in the bank. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to make quick decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters are faced with a sudden and unexpected challenge that puts their plans at risk. The tension between the group and the robbers adds an extra layer of suspense and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonists facing a difficult situation that challenges their abilities and forces them to make tough decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are faced with the challenge of navigating a bank robbery while planning their own heist. The danger and uncertainty of the situation raise the stakes and add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome and setting the stage for further developments in the heist plot. It propels the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the protagonists encountering other robbers in the bank, adding a layer of complexity to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral dilemma of whether to engage in criminal activity or to prioritize their safety and leave the scene. This challenges their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the audience is invested in the characters' predicament and the outcome of the heist. The mix of tension and humor creates a rollercoaster of emotions for the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the tension, humor, and camaraderie among the group, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high-stakes situation that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful heist scenario, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and humor, showcasing the characters' personalities and their absurd situation. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. While Tiff's humor comes through, Jules and Mara's lines sometimes blend together, making it hard to differentiate their unique perspectives.
  • The stakes are established well with the introduction of the masked robbers, but the transition from planning to action feels a bit abrupt. The characters' decision to proceed with the robbery could be more fleshed out, perhaps by including a moment of hesitation or a stronger emotional pull that drives them to act despite the danger.
  • The visual elements are engaging, particularly the contrast between the characters' disguises and the serious situation inside the bank. However, the description of the bank's interior could be expanded to enhance the atmosphere. Adding sensory details, such as sounds or smells, could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing is generally good, but the dialogue could be tightened in places. Some lines feel a bit too expository, particularly when they discuss their options. Instead of stating what they could do, showing their reactions and emotions in response to the situation might create a more dynamic exchange.
  • The humor is a strong point, but it risks undermining the tension of the moment. Balancing the comedic elements with the seriousness of the robbery could enhance the stakes. For instance, a moment of genuine fear or realization about the gravity of their situation could ground the scene more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a more distinct voice in their dialogue. This could involve varying their speech patterns, vocabulary, or even their reactions to the situation to make them feel more individualized.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or conflict among the characters before they decide to proceed with the robbery. This could heighten the tension and make their eventual decision feel more impactful.
  • Enhance the sensory details of the bank's interior to create a more vivid atmosphere. Describing the sounds of the robbery, the smell of fear, or the visual chaos could draw the audience deeper into the scene.
  • Tighten the dialogue to avoid exposition. Instead of having characters state their options, let their reactions and emotions convey the urgency and gravity of the situation.
  • Introduce a moment of genuine fear or realization about the consequences of their actions. This could help balance the humor with the seriousness of the robbery, making the stakes feel more real.



Scene 5 -  Negotiation Gone Awry
INT. BANK LOBBY – MINUTES LATER

The front doors swing open.

In walk TIFF, JULES, and MARA. Bad disguises. Questionable
confidence.

The REAL ROBBERS turn toward them — confused.

MALE ROBBER
Who the hell are you?

MARA
(grave, calm)
Negotiators. From the Bureau.

JULES
slapping her badge which is a
makeup mirror
We’re here to make sure nobody
does anything stupid.

TIFF
Too late.

Everyone freezes. This is going to be a disaster.

CUT TO BLACK.


INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

Silence. The trio stands awkwardly near the door. The two
masked robbers — CHAD (35, hot-headed, delusional alpha) and
RITA (42, sharp, annoyed) — stare them down.

CHAD
Negotiators? Since when does the
FBI send three women in... wigs?

JULES
Gender diversity. Look it up.

RITA
(to Chad)
They’re not feds.


CHAD
Then who the hell are you?

TIFF
We’re... consultants.

CHAD
Consultants?

MARA
For crisis management. Armed
conflicts. That sort of thing.

JULES
Also branding and public
perception. Have you considered a
manifesto?

CHAD
(to Rita)
They’re full of shit.

RITA
They walked in during a robbery,
Chad. That takes a specific kind of
stupid... or crazy.

DEREK (30s, twitchy, visibly sweating), pops up from behind
the teller counter.

DEREK
Hey, uh — someone just called out
from the vault. I think there’s
still a guy in there.

CHAD
I told you to check the vault!

DEREK
I got nervous! The door creaked!

TIFF
(to Mara)
Are we seriously getting shown up
by the world’s lamest criminals?

MARA
(sotto)
Let’s not provoke the ones with
guns just yet.


RITA
(to the trio)
Fine. You walked in. You're here.
Now what?

JULES
Now... we help.

CHAD
Help?

JULES
Think of us as... customer service
for hostage situations.

MARA
What’s your exit plan?

CHAD
We’re working on it.

TIFF
Oh good, we’re all unqualified.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense bank lobby during an ongoing robbery, Tiff, Jules, and Mara enter in poor disguises, claiming to be Bureau negotiators. Their authority is met with skepticism from the real robbers, Chad and Rita, leading to awkward attempts at negotiation filled with dark humor. As Derek, a nervous bank employee, reveals there's still a robber in the vault, the trio realizes they are outmatched and unqualified for the situation, highlighting the absurdity of their predicament.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Comedic tension
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some cliched elements in the heist setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The dialogue is witty, the plot is intriguing, and the execution is well-paced.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of inexperienced individuals getting involved in a bank robbery adds a fresh and comedic twist to the heist genre. The idea of using negotiation as a cover for their actions is clever and sets up potential conflicts.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with the introduction of the bank robbery, the unexpected entrance of the trio, and the escalating tension between the characters. The scene sets up a promising direction for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the bank robbery scenario by focusing on the negotiators' perspective and their unconventional approach to crisis management. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, each bringing a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual quirks and motivations, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While the characters don't undergo significant changes in this scene, their interactions and decisions hint at potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain composure and control in a high-stress situation. This reflects their need for competence and professionalism in their roles as negotiators.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to de-escalate the situation and ensure the safety of the hostages. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the bank robbery scenario.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, involving the tension between the robbers and the trio, as well as the internal conflicts within the group. The high stakes of a bank robbery add intensity to the situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the robbers presenting a significant challenge to the negotiators. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of a bank robbery, combined with the comedic and inexperienced nature of the characters, heighten the tension and create a sense of unpredictability in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the heist premise, establishing the characters' motivations, and setting up potential conflicts. It propels the narrative towards the next plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the negotiators and the robbers, as well as the shifting power dynamics within the bank lobby.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the negotiators' approach of calm professionalism and the robbers' chaotic and aggressive behavior. This challenges the negotiators' beliefs in diplomacy and conflict resolution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene balances humor with moments of tension, creating an emotional rollercoaster for the audience. The characters' nervousness and confidence evoke empathy and amusement.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and drives the humor and tension of the scene. Each character's lines reveal their personalities and contribute to the overall dynamic of the group.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and suspense. The dynamic between the negotiators and the robbers keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and comedic relief. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, with the trio's bad disguises and questionable confidence setting a comedic tone. However, the humor could be enhanced by adding more physical comedy or visual gags that emphasize their awkwardness as they enter the bank.
  • The dialogue is witty and showcases the characters' personalities well, but it could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. For instance, Tiff's lines could be more sarcastic, while Jules might have a more anxious or frenetic delivery to contrast with Mara's calm demeanor.
  • The tension between the robbers and the trio is established, but the stakes could be raised further. Consider adding a moment where the robbers react more aggressively to the trio's entrance, which would heighten the sense of danger and urgency in the scene.
  • The pacing feels a bit rushed, especially in the transition from the trio's entrance to the confrontation with the robbers. Allowing for a brief moment of silence or a reaction shot could enhance the comedic timing and build anticipation for the ensuing chaos.
  • The cut to black after the initial awkwardness is an interesting choice, but it may disrupt the flow of the scene. Instead, consider a more seamless transition that maintains the momentum and keeps the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more physical comedy, such as the trio tripping or fumbling with their disguises as they enter, to enhance the humor of the scene.
  • Differentiate the characters' dialogue styles further to give each character a unique voice, making their interactions more dynamic.
  • Increase the tension by having the robbers react more aggressively or suspiciously to the trio's entrance, which would raise the stakes and create a more intense atmosphere.
  • Add a moment of silence or a reaction shot after the trio's entrance to build comedic tension before the dialogue resumes.
  • Consider removing the cut to black and instead transition smoothly into the next part of the scene to maintain the comedic flow and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 6 -  Hostage Humor
INT. BANK BREAKROOM – LATER

The trio huddles in private. The robbers gave them a corner
to “plan.”

TIFF
This is nuts.

JULES
Correction — this is improv theater
with live ammunition.

MARA
Okay — best case? We keep stalling
until the cops show up, and somehow
get mistaken for heroes.

TIFF
Worst case?

JULES
We die in Party City wigs and the
internet makes memes about us.


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

Through the front windows, we now see a squad car cruising
slowly past. No sirens.

DEREK watches, nervous.

DEREK
Uh, guys...

CHAD
Relax. Nobody called it in.

Just then, the landline RINGS.

They all jump.

CHAD grabs it.

CHAD (CONT’D)
(tense)
Yeah?

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense bank breakroom, hostages Tiff, Jules, and Mara grapple with their dire situation during a robbery. Tiff struggles to accept their reality, while Jules injects dark humor, comparing their plight to a dangerous play. Mara proposes stalling for time to appear heroic, but Tiff warns of potential disaster. Meanwhile, in the lobby, Derek anxiously watches for police, reassured by Chad that no one has called for help. The tension peaks when the landline phone rings, prompting Chad to answer, leaving everyone in suspense about the unfolding situation.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor and tension, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The dialogue is witty and the characters' reactions feel authentic, adding depth to the overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of amateur criminals attempting to navigate a bank robbery in a humorous way is engaging and sets up an intriguing premise for the rest of the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing conflict and escalating the stakes for the characters. The heist setup is well-executed and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its approach to a familiar situation, adding a fresh perspective through the characters' dialogue and actions. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the unexpected twists in the plot contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene. Each character has a distinct personality that shines through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' attitudes and behaviors, the scene primarily focuses on their reactions to the unfolding events rather than significant personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive the robbery and come out unharmed. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of death or harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stall the robbers until the cops show up and somehow be mistaken for heroes. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of being caught in a dangerous situation and needing to find a way out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a dangerous situation and having to navigate it with limited resources and experience. This raises the stakes and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult situation and uncertain outcome. The threat of violence, the robbers' presence, and the looming danger create a sense of suspense and unpredictability, challenging the characters and keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of violence and the risk of being caught in the middle of a bank robbery. This adds tension and urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point and setting up the heist that will drive the narrative forward. It establishes the central conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the plot, the characters' surprising reactions, and the looming threat of violence. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome, adding to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' desire to survive and the absurdity of their situation. This challenges their beliefs about life and death, as well as the value of their own lives in the face of danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension and humor that resonate with the audience. The characters' conflicting emotions add depth to the narrative and engage the viewer.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations while adding humor and tension to the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful situation, and dark humor. The characters' interactions and the unfolding plot keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see what happens next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences creates a sense of urgency and danger, driving the plot forward and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene, making it easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense as the plot unfolds.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, blending humor with tension. Tiff's line about the situation being 'nuts' sets a relatable tone, while Jules' comment about 'improv theater with live ammunition' cleverly highlights the gravity of their predicament in a comedic way.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, showcasing the characters' personalities and their coping mechanisms in a high-stress environment. However, the humor could be enhanced by incorporating more specific references to their disguises or the absurdity of their situation, which would deepen the comedic impact.
  • The transition between the breakroom and the lobby is well-executed, maintaining the tension as the characters react to the external threat. However, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere, such as the physical state of the breakroom or the expressions on the characters' faces as they process the situation.
  • Derek's nervousness adds a layer of tension, but his character could be further developed to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience. Providing a brief backstory or motivation for his anxiety could make his reactions more impactful.
  • The ringing of the landline phone serves as an effective plot device to heighten tension, but the scene could explore the characters' reactions to it in more detail. For instance, showing their physical responses or internal thoughts could amplify the suspense and humor.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific comedic references related to their disguises or the absurdity of their situation to enhance the humor.
  • Incorporate more visual descriptions of the breakroom and the characters' expressions to create a stronger atmosphere and emotional connection.
  • Develop Derek's character further by providing a brief backstory or motivation for his anxiety, making his reactions more relatable.
  • Explore the characters' reactions to the ringing phone in more detail, showcasing their physical responses or internal thoughts to amplify the suspense and humor.
  • Consider adding a moment of camaraderie or a shared joke among the trio to reinforce their bond and lighten the mood before the tension escalates.



Scene 7 -  Unexpected Reunion in the Vault
INT. POLICE CRUISER – OUTSIDE

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
We’re getting reports of movement
inside the old bank. Any update?

The OFFICER glances at the darkened windows, unaware what’s
going on.

BACK TO:

CHAD
Yeah... we’re good. Just doing...
maintenance.

He hangs up, then looks at the trio.

CHAD (CONT’D)
You better have a damn good plan.

MARA
We do.

JULES
It’s just... a little
unconventional.


RITA
(sarcastic)
Fantastic. You three better be
worth this disaster.

TIFF
Honey, we’re the glue holding this
dumpster fire together.


INT. VAULT ROOM – SHORTLY AFTER

The girls are led into the vault corridor. It’s dim and
dusty.

MARA glances at the walls. Her hand touches an old sticker —
the kind she used to put on inspection reports.

She’s been here before.

VOICE (O.S.)
Mara?

A voice echoes from inside the vault.

They all freeze.

VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Mara Sloan?

It’s CARL, the ex-security guard. Late 60s, chubby, stuck
inside the vault with a bologna sandwich.

CARL (O.S.)
Is that you?

MARA
(under breath)
Shit.

CHAD
You know him?

MARA
We worked together. Briefly.

TIFF
Is this good or bad?

JULES
Depends how badly she screwed him
over.


RITA
(to Chad)
This just keeps getting better.

They all turn toward the vault — and the old man stuck behind
its reinforced door.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene set in an old bank, Officer Chad reassures a dispatcher about supposed maintenance, while his companions express skepticism about their plan. As they navigate the dusty vault corridor, Mara recognizes the surroundings and is startled when a voice calls out for her from inside the vault. It's Carl, an ex-security guard trapped with a bologna sandwich, prompting surprise and concern from the group, especially Mara, who has a complicated history with him. The scene blends suspense with dark humor, leaving the group's conflict unresolved as they confront Carl's unexpected presence.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue and witty banter
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Some cliched elements in the bank robbery setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that advances the plot while revealing more about the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of unlikely characters getting involved in a bank robbery adds depth to the story and creates opportunities for humor and suspense. The scene effectively explores the consequences of their actions and sets up future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters are thrust into a high-stakes situation that tests their relationships and resourcefulness. The introduction of the bank robbery adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a heist scenario by focusing on the interpersonal dynamics and past relationships of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with each displaying unique traits and motivations that drive their actions. The interactions between the trio of Mara, Tiff, and Jules reveal their personalities and dynamics effectively.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle changes in the characters' attitudes and behaviors as they navigate the bank robbery situation, the scene primarily focuses on their immediate reactions and interactions rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to navigate the situation with the ex-security guard, Carl, whom she has a history with. This reflects her fear of the consequences of her past actions and her desire to handle the situation smoothly.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully complete whatever operation they are conducting in the old bank. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters are faced with a dangerous situation that tests their abilities and relationships. The tension between the robbers and the trio adds to the sense of urgency and unpredictability.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unexpected appearance of the ex-security guard adding a new layer of challenge for the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are caught in the middle of a bank robbery with dangerous criminals. The outcome of their actions could have serious repercussions, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting the stage for future developments. The characters' decisions and actions in response to the bank robbery have lasting consequences that drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected appearance of the ex-security guard and the tension surrounding Mara's past connection to him. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, betrayal, and consequences of past actions. It challenges Mara's beliefs about loyalty and the impact of her choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the characters' reactions to the escalating situation evoke feelings of tension, humor, and camaraderie. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of the robbery.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and engaging, capturing the characters' voices and adding depth to their interactions. The humor and tension are effectively conveyed through the dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, mysterious atmosphere, and witty dialogue that keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and character dynamics. The rhythm enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with tension building through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by introducing the unexpected element of Carl, the ex-security guard, which adds a layer of complexity to the characters' situation. However, the dialogue could be sharpened to enhance the humor and urgency. For instance, the exchange between the characters feels a bit flat and could benefit from more distinct voices that reflect their personalities more vividly.
  • The transition from the police cruiser to the vault room is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to heighten the tension, a smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two settings more cohesively.
  • The use of humor in the dialogue is a strong point, particularly Tiff's line about being the 'glue holding this dumpster fire together.' However, the sarcasm from Rita could be more impactful if it were delivered with a bit more bite or specificity, perhaps referencing a previous failure or mishap to ground her sarcasm in their shared history.
  • Mara's internal conflict about her past with Carl is introduced but not fully explored in this scene. It would be beneficial to provide a hint of her emotional state or a flashback that gives the audience insight into their history, which would deepen the stakes of her recognition of Carl.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with the reveal of Carl, which is effective for maintaining suspense. However, the final line could be more impactful if it included a reaction from Mara that conveys her anxiety or regret about the situation, rather than just a simple 'Shit.' This would enhance the emotional weight of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to give each character a more distinct voice, ensuring their personalities shine through in their interactions. This will help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue during the transition from the police cruiser to the vault room to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Enhance Rita's sarcasm by making it more specific to their shared experiences, which will add depth to her character and the group's dynamic.
  • Include a hint of Mara's emotional state regarding her past with Carl, possibly through a flashback or a more expressive reaction, to raise the stakes of the situation.
  • Strengthen the final line by giving Mara a more emotional response to Carl's presence, which will heighten the tension and leave the audience eager to see how she handles the situation.



Scene 8 -  Trapped in Absurdity
INT. VAULT CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

MARA stands frozen, caught. JULES and TIFF exchange a
*“seriously?”* look.

CARL (O.S.)
You still allergic to ham? I got
bologna!

MARA
Carl, it’s not a good time.

CHAD
(to Rita)
He’s locked in?

RITA
Vault door must’ve triggered. Time
lock’s still active.

CARL (O.S.)
Can someone tell me what’s going on
out there? Why are there voices
that don’t work here?

TIFF
We’re temp hires, Carl. Sit tight.

CARL (O.S.)
Tell Marty I’m using one of my sick
days!

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

The robbers and the trio regroup.

CHAD
We need to blow the vault open.

RITA
With what? Glitter and enthusiasm?


DEREK
I might have fireworks in the van.

CHAD
(hopeful)
Like... big ones?

RITA
You’re not blowing up a federal
vault with Fourth of July
leftovers, Derek!

JULES
(unhelpful)
I mean... we *could* tell the cops
Carl’s a hostage.

MARA
He’s not a hostage. He’s just...
Carl.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense bank robbery scene, MARA tries to manage chaos while JULES and TIFF share disbelief at the situation. Off-screen, CARL humorously asks about food, oblivious to the danger. CHAD and RITA discuss impractical ideas to open the vault, with CHAD suggesting explosives and DEREK mentioning fireworks, both dismissed by RITA. JULES sarcastically proposes using Carl as leverage, but MARA clarifies that Carl is just being himself, highlighting the absurdity of their predicament.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging plot twists
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in the action sequences
  • Minor inconsistencies in character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor and tension, creating an engaging and unpredictable situation for the characters. The dialogue is witty and the plot twists keep the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of amateur robbers getting caught in a heist they didn't plan adds an element of unpredictability and humor to the scene, making it engaging for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the introduction of unexpected elements like the trapped security guard and the plan to blow open the vault adding complexity and intrigue to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a robbery scenario by incorporating humor and unconventional solutions to the characters' problems. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the action forward. The interactions between the trio of amateur robbers and the real robbers add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience minor changes in their perceptions and actions throughout the scene, adapting to the unexpected circumstances and forming new alliances.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to maintain control and composure in a high-stress situation. This reflects her need for stability and her fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the robbery situation and ensure the safety of the hostages and themselves. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is well-developed, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that drive the action forward and create tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, such as the debate over blowing open the vault and the potential consequences of their actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of real danger in a bank heist situation that could have serious consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new complications, developing character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, such as considering using fireworks to blow open the vault. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the robbers' desire to blow open the vault and the temporary hires' concern for safety and legality. This challenges Mara's values of doing the right thing and avoiding unnecessary risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of humor and tension that engage the audience but do not evoke strong emotional responses.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the dynamics between the characters effectively. The banter between the trio of amateur robbers adds comedic relief to the tense situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and unexpected twists. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes situation keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick back-and-forth dialogue and action keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the comedic tone established in previous scenes, particularly through Carl's obliviousness and the absurdity of the situation. However, the humor could be enhanced by tightening the dialogue to create sharper punchlines, especially in the exchanges between the characters.
  • The character dynamics are clear, with Mara acting as the voice of reason, Tiff providing boldness, and Jules adding comic relief. However, the scene could benefit from more distinct character voices to differentiate their personalities further. For instance, Tiff's line about being temp hires could be more sarcastic or witty to align with her bold character.
  • The transition between the vault corridor and the bank lobby feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene, perhaps by including a brief moment of tension or a decision-making process before cutting to the lobby.
  • The stakes in this scene could be raised further. While the humor is present, the urgency of the situation is somewhat diluted by Carl's comedic lines. Adding a moment of genuine concern or fear from the trio about Carl's safety could balance the humor with the tension of the robbery.
  • The dialogue could be more concise in places. For example, Carl's lines could be trimmed to maintain pacing and keep the focus on the main conflict. The humor should not detract from the urgency of the situation, so finding a balance is key.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Carl's dialogue to make it more succinct while still retaining his comedic essence. This will help maintain the scene's pacing.
  • Enhance the tension by incorporating a moment where the trio expresses genuine concern for Carl's safety, perhaps through a brief exchange that highlights their conflicting priorities.
  • Add a visual cue or action that emphasizes the urgency of the situation before transitioning to the bank lobby, such as the trio glancing nervously at the vault door or hearing a noise that suggests the robbers are getting restless.
  • Experiment with the dialogue to give each character a more distinct voice. For example, Tiff could have a more sarcastic edge, while Jules might lean into anxious humor, creating a clearer contrast between their personalities.
  • Consider including a moment where the trio debates the merits of using Carl as leverage, which could add depth to their characters and highlight the absurdity of their situation.



Scene 9 -  Sign of the Times
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE BANK – DAY

A POLICE CRUISER idles now. A second car pulls up. OFFICERS
get out and approach the bank casually. One points to
movement inside.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

Through the window, TIFF sees the officers. Panic hits.

TIFF
We’ve got uniforms outside.

CHAD
Shit.

DEREK
They look chill. Maybe they didn’t
see us?

JULES
Yeah, maybe they just like to park
near crime scenes.


RITA
(looks to Mara)
You're “crisis consultants.” Fix
the crisis.

TIFF
We need a sign. A signal that
everything’s fine.

JULES
I have a ring light and a large dry
erase board.

TIFF
How?

JULES
TikTok.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – MINUTES LATER

The cops outside stare through the glass at a large, messy
sign held up by TIFF:


**“EVERYTHING IS FINE :)”**

RITA
Oh yeah. That’s subtle.

---


INT. POLICE CRUISER – SAME

The OFFICERS stare, confused.

OFFICER 1
You buying it?

OFFICER 2
I don’t know. Maybe it's an
influencer stunt?

OFFICER 1
Jesus, I hate this decade.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a tense yet comedic scene outside a bank, TIFF panics upon seeing police officers arrive, prompting her and her companions to brainstorm a way to reassure the officers that everything is fine. JULES suggests creating a humorous sign using a ring light and dry erase board, resulting in the message 'EVERYTHING IS FINE :)'. The officers outside are left confused, speculating whether the sign is a prank or an influencer stunt, as the characters navigate their panic with absurdity.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Creative concept
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion for the characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and confusion to create an engaging and entertaining moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the characters trying to signal to the police in a humorous way while in the midst of a bank robbery is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' attempts to navigate a high-stakes situation with humor and creativity, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to a familiar situation by incorporating elements of social media and technology into a traditional heist scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the story and creating a unique atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 8

While the characters do not undergo significant changes in this scene, their relationships and dynamics are further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and find a creative solution to the crisis at hand. This reflects their need for control and their desire to avoid getting caught by the police.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince the police that everything is fine and avoid getting caught for their actions. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of evading detection and potential arrest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing the threat of being caught by the police while trying to navigate a tense situation with humor.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the characters must outsmart the police and avoid detection. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome this obstacle and whether their plan will succeed.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of being caught by the police during a bank robbery.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new challenge for the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unconventional methods of dealing with the crisis and the unexpected twists in the plot. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the characters' willingness to deceive the police for their own benefit, which challenges traditional moral values of honesty and integrity. This conflict relates to the protagonist's beliefs about the necessity of bending the rules in certain situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, tension, and confusion, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, fast-paced action, and unexpected plot developments. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes situation create a sense of suspense and humor that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a brisk pace. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the scene's overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and humor in a balanced way.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the absurdity of the situation, maintaining the dark humor established in previous scenes. The contrast between the characters' panic and the officers' casual demeanor adds to the comedic tension, which is a strong point.
  • The dialogue is sharp and captures the characters' personalities well, particularly Jules' humorous suggestion about TikTok, which fits her character's influencer background. However, the dialogue could benefit from more varied pacing to enhance comedic timing.
  • The visual element of the sign 'EVERYTHING IS FINE :)' is a clever representation of the characters' desperate attempt to manage the situation. However, it might be more impactful if the sign were described in more detail, emphasizing its messiness and the absurdity of the situation.
  • The officers' reactions are appropriately confused, but they could be given a bit more personality or backstory to make their confusion more relatable. This would enhance the comedic effect and provide a deeper connection for the audience.
  • The transition between the two settings (the bank lobby and the police cruiser) is smooth, but the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional arc. For instance, showing the characters' escalating panic before the sign is revealed could heighten the tension and make the eventual humor land even better.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of physical comedy or a visual gag related to the sign, such as it being poorly made or falling apart, to enhance the absurdity.
  • Introduce a brief moment of hesitation or disagreement among the characters about the sign's message before they decide to go with it, which could add depth to their dynamic and increase the comedic tension.
  • Explore the officers' personalities further by giving them a humorous exchange about the sign or their thoughts on the situation, which could provide a more engaging perspective from the law enforcement side.
  • Incorporate a reaction shot of the characters after the sign is revealed, capturing their mixed feelings of hope and dread, which could add emotional weight to the humor.
  • Consider using a more vivid description of the setting and the characters' expressions to enhance the visual storytelling and make the scene more engaging for the audience.



Scene 10 -  Desperate Measures
INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

MARA, JULES, and TIFF retreat back into their "consultation
corner."

MARA
Okay. That bought us... maybe two
minutes.

TIFF
We need leverage. Something to make
us valuable enough to keep
breathing.

JULES
I say we film a fake hostage video.

TIFF
Are you nuts?

JULES
No one has to know it’s fake. Just
enough to make the cops think this
is under new management.

MARA
New management?

TIFF
Wait… you mean *us*?

JULES
We’re already halfway there.

MARA
(pacing)
If we can convince the police that
we’re helping hostages inside,
they’ll stall. That buys us time to
get Carl out, get the robbers
out... maybe get a cut.

TIFF
Wait, are we still robbing the
place?

JULES
Emotionally, yes.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense bank lobby, Mara, Jules, and Tiff regroup after a harrowing moment. They debate their precarious situation, with Jules proposing a risky plan to create a fake hostage video to manipulate the police and buy time for their escape. While Mara supports the idea, Tiff raises ethical concerns, leading to a conflict over their approach. The scene captures their urgency and desperation as they navigate their dire circumstances, ending with Jules reaffirming their commitment to the robbery and leaving their fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the trio posing as negotiators in a bank robbery adds depth to the plot and creates an engaging conflict.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with the characters facing high stakes and making crucial decisions that drive the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to a familiar heist scenario, with characters making unexpected decisions to survive.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their approach and mindset as they navigate the escalating situation, showing growth and adaptation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive the robbery and come out on top. This reflects their deeper need for security and control in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manipulate the police and robbers to buy time and potentially get a cut of the robbery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict is high, with the characters facing a dangerous situation and having to navigate their way out with limited resources.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their survival.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of a bank robbery, potential danger, and the need to outsmart the real robbers to survive.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected decisions and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' morals and the actions they are willing to take to survive. It challenges their beliefs about right and wrong in extreme circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to humor, keeping the audience emotionally invested in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' dynamics and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and unexpected twists.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with escalating tension and strategic planning.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the comedic tone established in previous scenes, balancing tension with humor. The dialogue is snappy and reflects the characters' personalities well, particularly Jules' absurd suggestion of filming a fake hostage video, which adds a layer of dark humor to their dire situation.
  • However, the stakes could be heightened further. While the characters are in a precarious situation, the urgency of their predicament isn't fully conveyed. Adding more physicality or urgency to their actions—like pacing, frantic gestures, or even a countdown—could enhance the tension and make the audience feel the pressure they are under.
  • The dialogue flows well, but there are moments where it feels a bit too on-the-nose, particularly with Tiff's line about needing leverage. This could be an opportunity to show rather than tell. Instead of stating their need for leverage outright, they could express it through their actions or reactions to the situation, making the dialogue feel more organic.
  • The concept of 'new management' is clever and aligns with the absurdity of the situation, but it could be developed further. Perhaps they could brainstorm more ridiculous ideas or even reference past experiences that could lend credibility to their fake video, making it feel more plausible and humorous.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could benefit from a stronger climax. As it stands, the scene ends rather abruptly after the punchline about robbing emotionally. Building up to a more definitive conclusion or decision could leave the audience with a stronger sense of anticipation for what comes next.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a ticking clock element, such as a countdown timer or the sound of police approaching, to increase the urgency of the scene.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from the characters to visually convey their anxiety and desperation, enhancing the comedic and tense atmosphere.
  • Consider rephrasing Tiff's line about needing leverage to make it feel more natural and less expository. Show their need through their frantic brainstorming instead.
  • Expand on the idea of 'new management' by having the characters reference past experiences or absurd ideas that could make their fake video more believable.
  • End the scene with a stronger cliffhanger or decision point, such as them agreeing on a specific plan or a sudden noise that interrupts their brainstorming, to maintain suspense.



Scene 11 -  Hostage Hijinks
INT. BREAKROOM – SHORTLY AFTER

JULES sets up her ring light. TIFF writes a note with
sharpie:

“We have hostages. Stay back. More demands coming.”

MARA
(to Jules)
Blur our faces. Auto-filter or
something.

JULES
I’ve got a “True Crime” preset.

TIFF
What kind of hostage takers use
presets?

JULES
The aesthetically conscious kind.

She hits RECORD.

The three of them stare into the camera — confused, awkward,
*terrible criminals*.

JULES (CONT’D)
We are the... uhh...

TIFF
New leadership.

MARA
The People's Bank Liberation
Coalition?

JULES
That sounds like a ska band.

They all talk at once. Chaos. It's terrible.


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – MINUTES LATER

Now there’s a *van* outside. POLICE CHIEF DUNCAN (50s, tired,
skeptical) watches the blurry, pixelated video on a laptop.

MARA (ON SCREEN)
...so we demand... um... snacks?
Respect? A safe exit... with
dignity?


JULES (ON SCREEN)
And an emotional support ferret.

TIFF (ON SCREEN)
You promised you’d cut that part!

The video freezes.

CHIEF DUNCAN
What in the blue hell is this?

OFFICER
We think they’re new players.
Possibly a second group?

CHIEF DUNCAN
Of what? Degenerates?

He tosses his coffee. This just got complicated.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a breakroom, Jules, Tiff, and Mara comically attempt to present themselves as serious hostage-takers while filming a video with a ring light. Tiff writes a note demanding snacks and respect, and the trio humorously brainstorms their group name, the 'People's Bank Liberation Coalition,' while making absurd demands like an emotional support ferret. Meanwhile, Chief Duncan in a police mobile unit watches their blurry video, expressing disbelief and frustration at the chaotic situation, which only complicates the police's understanding of the events.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative concept
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some unrealistic elements in the hostage negotiation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor with tension, creating an engaging and unpredictable dynamic. The use of technology and improvisation adds a fresh twist to the traditional hostage scenario, keeping the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of creating a fake hostage video to manipulate the police is innovative and adds depth to the characters' motivations. It showcases their resourcefulness and creativity in a high-pressure situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' attempt to gain leverage over the robbers through a fake hostage video. It introduces a new conflict and raises the stakes, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the hostage situation trope by focusing on incompetent characters attempting to play the role of hostage takers. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' personalities shine through in their interactions, with each contributing to the humor and tension of the scene. Their distinct traits and quirks add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reveal more about their personalities and motivations, setting the stage for potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of being hostage takers while also showcasing their ineptitude and lack of criminal skills. This reflects their deeper need for attention or validation, as they are resorting to extreme measures to be noticed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make demands and create a sense of urgency or chaos. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of being taken seriously as hostage takers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, involving the tension between the characters, the robbers, and the police. The escalating stakes and the characters' conflicting motivations create a sense of urgency and unpredictability.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong in the sense that the characters face challenges in maintaining their facade as hostage takers and dealing with the police response. The audience is left wondering how they will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are caught in a dangerous situation with unpredictable outcomes. The risk of discovery and the potential consequences add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up future developments and challenges for the protagonists, driving the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the twist of incompetent 'hostage takers' creating chaos. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the characters' desire for attention and validation through their actions as 'hostage takers' and the reality of their incompetence and lack of criminal skills. This challenges their beliefs about themselves and their abilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to tension to panic, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates. The characters' vulnerability and resourcefulness add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the characters' personalities and the escalating tension of the situation. The banter between the characters adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the comedic elements, fast-paced dialogue, and absurd situations that keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and transitioning smoothly between the breakroom and police mobile unit. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedic genre, with a setup in the breakroom and a shift to the police mobile unit. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, blending humor with tension. The dialogue is snappy and reflects the characters' personalities well, particularly Jules' comedic flair and Tiff's skepticism. However, the chaotic nature of their brainstorming could be more structured to enhance clarity for the audience. The overlapping dialogue, while realistic, may confuse viewers if not executed with clear visual cues.
  • The introduction of the 'People's Bank Liberation Coalition' is a clever twist, but it feels slightly rushed. The characters quickly jump from confusion to naming their group without a moment of reflection or discussion about what that name means to them. This could be an opportunity to deepen their characterization and motivations.
  • The humor surrounding the demands, especially the emotional support ferret, is a strong comedic element, but it risks undermining the gravity of their situation. Balancing the absurdity with the seriousness of being hostages could enhance the stakes and make the humor feel more impactful.
  • The transition between the breakroom and the police mobile unit is effective, but the reaction from Chief Duncan could be more pronounced. His disbelief is a great moment, but it could be amplified with more physicality or a stronger emotional response to the ridiculousness of the video.
  • The visual elements, such as the ring light and the setup for the video, are great for establishing the tone. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive visuals that highlight the contrast between the seriousness of their situation and the absurdity of their actions. For example, showing the cluttered breakroom juxtaposed with the polished look of the video could enhance the comedic effect.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or reflection before they name their group. This could provide insight into their motivations and make the name feel more significant.
  • To enhance clarity, try to limit the overlapping dialogue or use visual cues to indicate who is speaking. This will help the audience follow the chaos without losing track of the humor.
  • Explore the emotional stakes of their situation more deeply. Perhaps include a line or two that acknowledges the seriousness of being hostages, even while they are trying to maintain a humorous facade.
  • Amplify Chief Duncan's reaction to the video. Consider adding a line that emphasizes his frustration or disbelief, which could heighten the comedic tension.
  • Incorporate more visual contrasts in the breakroom, such as clutter versus the polished look of the video, to enhance the comedic absurdity of their situation.



Scene 12 -  Teamwork in Chaos
INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

RITA and CHAD stare at the trio.

CHAD
That was the worst video I’ve ever
seen.

TIFF
And yet... somehow, effective.

MARA
You wanted stalling? We gave you
stalling.

RITA
If we’re going to survive this,
we’re going to need to work
together.

Beat.

JULES
Do we get to split the money?

RITA
(surprised)
That’s negotiable.

The trio exchange looks.


MARA
We’re in.

FADE OUT.


INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

DEREK awkwardly waves a paper plate in front of a box fan. A
sad attempt at cooling off.

DEREK
We got any juice boxes? Carl says
his blood sugar's crashing.

TIFF
He’s in a steel box. What do you
expect?

CHAD
Alright, let’s get him out. But if
he says one word to the cops—

MARA
Leave Carl to me.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense bank lobby, Rita urges her group—Chad, Jules, and Mara—to collaborate for survival after reacting to a troubling video. While Jules suggests splitting the money, Rita finds it negotiable, leading to an agreement to work together. Meanwhile, Derek humorously tries to cool off and expresses concern for Carl, who is in a steel box with a blood sugar issue. Chad insists on caution regarding the police, while Mara confidently steps up to manage Carl's situation, blending tension with moments of camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in the negotiation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining negotiation sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating with the robbers in a bank heist scenario is engaging and adds depth to the plot, showcasing the characters' resourcefulness.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the negotiation introduces new challenges and opportunities for the characters, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a familiar heist scenario but adds a fresh approach through the characters' witty dialogue and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities shine through in their interactions during the negotiation, revealing their strengths, weaknesses, and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and motivations during the negotiation, the focus is more on their teamwork and resourcefulness.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to ensure the success of the heist and the safety of their team. This reflects their desire for survival and possibly a sense of loyalty or responsibility towards their companions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist and escape with the money. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the trio and the robbers creates tension and suspense, raising the stakes of the negotiation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with potential conflicts between the characters, the security measures in the bank, and the uncertainty of the heist's success. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the negotiation, with the characters' lives on the line, add tension and urgency to the scene, keeping the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The negotiation scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, opportunities, and character dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as they navigate the line between survival and criminality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from anxiety to humor, engaging the audience and creating a memorable experience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and drives the negotiation forward, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the heist.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining a sense of urgency, and keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, character interactions, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, particularly through the dialogue between the characters. The contrast between the seriousness of their predicament and the humorous exchanges adds a layer of dark comedy that aligns well with the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • However, the transition between the two parts of the scene feels abrupt. The shift from the trio's negotiation about splitting the money to Derek's awkward attempt to cool off could benefit from a smoother transition or a connecting line that ties the two moments together more cohesively.
  • The dialogue is engaging, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, Derek's line about juice boxes feels a bit disconnected from the urgency of the situation. It might be more effective if it directly relates to the immediate crisis they are facing, enhancing the tension.
  • Rita's line about needing to work together is a strong moment, but it could be expanded to emphasize the stakes of their collaboration. Adding a line that highlights the consequences of failure could heighten the tension and urgency of their situation.
  • The ending of the scene, with Mara asserting control over Carl, is a strong character moment. However, it could be enhanced by providing a hint of her strategy or a more definitive plan, which would give the audience a clearer sense of direction moving forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional line or action that connects the negotiation about splitting the money to Derek's scene, creating a more fluid narrative flow.
  • Revise Derek's line about juice boxes to make it more relevant to the current crisis, perhaps by having him suggest a more immediate solution to Carl's situation.
  • Expand on Rita's line about teamwork to include the potential consequences of not working together, which would raise the stakes and add depth to their predicament.
  • Enhance the final moment with Mara by including a hint of her plan for Carl, which would provide a clearer sense of direction and build anticipation for the next scene.



Scene 13 -  Emergence and Strategy
INT. VAULT – LATER

The vault door creaks open. CARL squints at the light. Still
holding his sandwich.

CARL
I thought I was hallucinating. Then
I saw the wigs.

TIFF
Welcome back to the land of the
mildly endangered.

CARL
(grinning)
Mara Sloan, back in the building.
I’ll be damned.

He notices everyone staring.

CARL (CONT’D)
...What the hell is going on?

---


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – MOMENTS LATER

CHIEF DUNCAN watches as CARL is escorted out, hands up,
flanked by TIFF and RITA.

CARL
(to reporters)
I’m fine! Just hungry! Tell Sheila
I want Salisbury steak for dinner!

The crowd murmurs. Phones flash. News crews show up.

OFFICER
Media’s here.

DUNCAN
Of course they are. Clowns throw a
parade, cameras show up.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

The girls and robbers gather around a whiteboard Jules
dragged in.

JULES
Okay, we need to workshop our
demands. Something reasonable but
bold.

TIFF
I vote for a private jet.

CHAD
Hell yes. G-6!

RITA
No one is giving you a jet.

JULES
Okay, backup: $500,000 in cash, a
government pardon, and one of those
robot dogs from Boston Dynamics.

TIFF
Why?

JULES
They're cool.


MARA
We need to stop thinking like
YouTubers and start thinking like
professionals.

Everyone looks at her.

MARA (CONT’D)
If we want to walk out of here
alive — not in handcuffs or body
bags — we need a *real* plan.

TIFF
(smirking)
Look who’s taking charge.

RITA
What do you have in mind?

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Carl emerges from the vault, relieved to see Mara Sloan, while Tiff and Rita help him navigate the media frenzy. In the bank lobby, the group discusses their demands, with Jules suggesting a mix of outrageous and practical ideas. Mara takes charge, urging the group to focus on a serious plan for their survival, leading to a shift in their approach amidst the chaotic atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Blend of humor and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion
  • Minor inconsistencies in character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character development to create an engaging and entertaining narrative. The dialogue is witty and the plot progression keeps the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of unlikely individuals getting caught up in a bank heist and having to navigate the situation with humor and wit is engaging and original.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing high-stakes conflict and character development. The heist scenario adds excitement and tension to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar hostage situation by incorporating humor and wit into the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and each brings a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue reveal depth and humor, adding to the overall dynamic of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience minor changes in their perspectives and behaviors throughout the scene, particularly in their approach to the heist and their relationships with each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Carl's internal goal in this scene is to understand the situation he has found himself in and to navigate through the chaos with humor and composure. This reflects his need for control and his desire to maintain a sense of normalcy in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the hostage situation and come up with a plan to negotiate with the robbers. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes, with characters facing a dangerous situation and having to navigate it with humor and quick thinking.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges from the robbers, the police, and the media, creating a sense of unpredictability and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing the threat of a bank robbery and having to navigate a dangerous situation with humor and quick thinking.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict, developing character relationships, and setting up future plot points.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and character dynamics that keep the audience guessing about the outcome of the hostage situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between taking the situation seriously and treating it as a joke. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about how to handle crisis situations and the importance of maintaining a sense of humor in difficult times.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including humor, tension, and surprise. The characters' reactions and interactions add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced dialogue, the high-stakes situation, and the humor injected into tense moments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension while allowing for moments of humor and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to lighten the tension of the situation, particularly through Carl's obliviousness and his humorous demands. However, the transition from the vault to the police mobile unit feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue is witty and captures the absurdity of the characters' predicament, but it could benefit from more distinct character voices. For instance, while Jules and Tiff have humorous lines, their personalities could be further differentiated to make their interactions more engaging.
  • Mara's shift to a more serious tone is a good contrast to the comedic elements, but it could be more pronounced. The stakes need to feel higher, and her leadership should be more compelling. Perhaps she could express a personal stake in the situation to deepen her character's motivation.
  • The scene introduces a new dynamic with Carl's return, but it lacks emotional weight. The characters' reactions to Carl's reappearance could be more varied to reflect their individual personalities and relationships with him, adding depth to the moment.
  • The brainstorming session around the whiteboard is a great visual element, but it could be more structured. Instead of a random list of demands, the characters could debate the practicality of each suggestion, which would enhance the tension and urgency of their situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or shock from the characters upon Carl's return to emphasize the absurdity of the situation and their relief or frustration.
  • Enhance the dialogue by giving each character a unique perspective on the demands being discussed. For example, have Tiff advocate for something outrageous while Jules suggests something more practical, creating a humorous debate.
  • Introduce a moment where Mara expresses her fears or stakes in the situation, making her leadership feel more urgent and relatable. This could be a personal story or a reminder of what they stand to lose.
  • To improve the transition between the vault and the police mobile unit, consider adding a line or two that connects Carl's exit to the media frenzy, perhaps through a character's reaction or a quick montage of the chaos outside.
  • Make the brainstorming session more interactive by having characters challenge each other's ideas, leading to a more dynamic and engaging discussion that highlights their personalities and the gravity of their situation.



Scene 14 -  Glitter and Grit: The Bank Protest Plan
INT. BANK OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

MARA sketches out a plan on a notepad.

MARA
Here’s what we know. The bank is
supposed to be closed — no
customers, minimal attention. If we
play this right, we can spin it as
a staged protest. A civil
demonstration.

CHAD
With guns?

TIFF
Paintball guns. Covered in glitter.

RITA
She means fake guns, idiot.

JULES
Yeah, theatrical. We create a
narrative. Something for social
media. Not criminals — activists.

DEREK
Can we have a name?

TIFF
We are not brainstorming gang
names, Derek.


---


INT. POLICE PERIMETER – SAME

The hostage negotiator arrives — **GINA CAULFIELD (40s),**
calm, experienced, and already annoyed.

CAULFIELD
Brief me.

DUNCAN
We got one vault guy out. The rest
are still in. We think it's two
groups. Maybe three?

CAULFIELD
Jesus.

OFFICER
And there's this...

He hands her a printed photo: the girls’ viral video. She
stares at their confused, badly filtered faces.

CAULFIELD
(reads aloud)
“We demand snacks, dignity, and an
emotional support ferret.”

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
Are we being punked?

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – LATER

The group gathers in the lobby. Everyone’s quiet. Mara
stands, holding a Sharpie and a folded plan.

MARA
This is it.

Everyone looks to her.

MARA (CONT’D)
We do it together. One score. One
exit plan. No guns. No one gets
hurt. Everyone walks.

Beat.


JULES
Do we still wear the wigs?

TIFF
Hell yeah we do.

RITA
(surprised)
You’re serious about this?

MARA
You want out clean? We need to stop
being a mess and start being a
crew.

CHAD
(beat)
...Alright. Let’s do it.

Everyone looks to each other.

RITA
But I’m not taking orders from
Party City.

TIFF
Noted.

They huddle around the plan.

JULES
This is either going to be
legendary... or completely batshit.

MARA
Maybe both.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a bank lobby during a hostage situation, Mara proposes a theatrical protest using paintball guns filled with glitter, aiming for a viral social media impact. The group debates the plan, with Chad voicing concerns about the guns and Rita expressing skepticism about following Mara's lead. Despite their differences, they agree to collaborate on a non-violent approach, emphasizing a clean exit. Meanwhile, police negotiator Gina Caulfield is briefed on the situation, including a humorous viral video from the group. As they finalize their plan and decide to wear wigs, the atmosphere is a blend of excitement and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging plot progression
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Some characters could be further developed
  • Lack of deep emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and effectively sets up the tension and humor of the bank heist plan. The dialogue is sharp, the characters are well-defined, and the plot progresses in an intriguing way.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of planning a bank heist with a comedic twist is engaging and fresh. The idea of turning the situation into a staged protest adds depth to the scene and sets it apart from traditional heist scenarios.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with the characters coming together to form a plan, setting up the conflict and stakes of the heist. The progression of the scene keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the plan unfolds.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by focusing on the characters' motivations and relationships rather than just the action. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct, with each contributing to the scene in a unique way. Their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, adding depth and humor to the heist plan.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and motivations, the scene focuses more on establishing the group dynamic and setting up the heist plan.

Internal Goal: 9

Mara's internal goal is to lead the group successfully through the heist without anyone getting hurt. This reflects her need for control, leadership, and a desire to prove herself as a capable leader.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to execute the heist successfully and make a clean getaway. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in planning and executing the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the characters facing internal and external challenges as they plan the heist. The tension between the group members and the high stakes of the situation drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in their planning and execution of the heist. The hostage negotiator's arrival adds a new layer of opposition and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the bank heist plan add tension and urgency to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters and increasing the audience's investment in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing the heist plan, escalating the conflict, and setting up the next stage of the narrative. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' plans and the humorous elements that keep the audience guessing about the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the group's desire to be seen as activists fighting for a cause and the reality of their criminal actions. This challenges their beliefs about their own identities and the impact of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, humor, and anticipation. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes nature of the heist plan create an emotional connection with the viewers.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, sharp, and reveals the characters' motivations and dynamics effectively. It drives the scene forward, adding humor and tension in equal measure.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The dialogue is sharp and witty, keeping the audience invested in the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' planning and decision-making process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with the planning phase, tension building, and a clear setup for the heist. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension and absurdity established in previous scenes, maintaining the comedic tone while also pushing the plot forward. Mara's leadership is highlighted, showcasing her strategic thinking amidst chaos, which is a strong character development moment.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the characters' personalities well, particularly the humorous exchanges that balance the seriousness of their situation. However, some lines, like Derek's request for a name, feel a bit forced and could be more organically integrated into the conversation.
  • The transition between the bank office and the police perimeter is smooth, but the introduction of Gina Caulfield could be more impactful. Her annoyance could be emphasized further to highlight the absurdity of the situation, making her character more memorable.
  • The stakes are clear, but the plan itself feels a bit vague. While the idea of a staged protest is intriguing, it could benefit from more specificity about how they intend to execute it. This would enhance the tension and give the audience a clearer understanding of the risks involved.
  • The ending line, 'Maybe both,' is a clever way to encapsulate the duality of their situation, but it could be strengthened by a more definitive statement from Mara that reinforces her leadership and commitment to the plan.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Mara explicitly outlines the risks of their plan to heighten the stakes and create more tension. This could involve her addressing the potential consequences of being seen as criminals versus activists.
  • Enhance Gina Caulfield's introduction by giving her a more distinct reaction to the viral video, perhaps by including a line that reflects her disbelief or frustration in a more colorful way, which would help establish her character as a foil to the protagonists.
  • Incorporate more physicality into the scene, such as characters moving around the space or interacting with props, to create a more dynamic visual experience and emphasize the urgency of their situation.
  • Refine Derek's line about needing a name to make it feel more natural within the flow of the conversation. Perhaps he could suggest a name that reflects their absurdity, which could lead to a humorous exchange that lightens the mood.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual cue or action that signifies their commitment to the plan, such as them all putting on their wigs together or a close-up of Mara's determined expression as she leads them forward.



Scene 15 -  The Absurd Heist Plan
INT. BANK BREAKROOM – LATER

The whiteboard is now a mess of arrows, acronyms, and crossed-
out ideas.

MARA stands, looking at it. Everyone else sprawls, snacks in
hand.

TIFF
So just to be clear... we’re
staging a *fake real* robbery that
looks like a *real fake* one?


JULES
Exactly.

RITA
(headache forming)
What the hell does that even mean?

MARA
It means we look like amateurs...
on purpose. So no one shoots us.

CHAD
Can we at least keep the masks?

TIFF
Only if you stop adjusting yours
every two minutes. It’s giving me
motion sickness.

---


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – SAME

NEGOTIATOR GINA CAULFIELD rewatches the blurry video of the
trio.

JULES (ON SCREEN)
...and we demand three beanbag
chairs and a Bluetooth speaker with
strong bass.

CAULFIELD
(half-laughing)
What the hell is this?

CHIEF DUNCAN
The weirdest hostage crisis I’ve
ever seen. And I worked Portland in
2012.

---


INT. BANK OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

CARL now sits with a juice box and a bag of chips. He’s the
only one relaxed.

CARL
So listen... if you girls are
actually trying to rob the place —
I got a tip.


MARA
Carl, now’s not the time.

CARL
Behind the old ATM room — the
contractors never sealed it.
There’s a false wall. You knock it
out, you’re in the old record
vault.

RITA
There’s *two* vaults?

CARL
Back in the day they used it for
safety deposit overflow. Still
wired with power. No alarms. Old-
school stuff.

CHAD
Wait, how do *you* know this?

CARL
Because I used to nap there, Chad.

Everyone looks at Mara.

MARA
We need to see it.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a bank breakroom, Mara and her team brainstorm a comically amateurish fake robbery plan to avoid violence, leading to confusion and humorous exchanges among the group. Tiff struggles to understand the plan, while Rita deals with a headache from the absurdity. Chad's fixation on masks adds comic relief, and Carl casually reveals the existence of a hidden vault, prompting Mara to decide they need to investigate it. Meanwhile, a police negotiator reviews the bizarre situation, highlighting the chaotic dynamic of the team.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Humorous interactions
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in the characters' motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and confusion to create an engaging and entertaining dynamic. The concept of staging a fake real robbery is intriguing and adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of staging a fake real robbery with intentional amateurism is innovative and adds a layer of complexity to the plot. It introduces humor and tension in a unique way.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters plan the staged robbery and discover new information about the bank. The scene sets up future conflict and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a heist scenario by incorporating the concept of a fake real robbery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters interact in a humorous and tense manner, showcasing their personalities and relationships. Each character contributes to the scene's dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience minor changes in their attitudes and perceptions as they navigate the staged robbery plan and interact with each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to successfully execute the robbery without anyone getting hurt, reflecting her desire to protect her team and avoid violence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully rob the bank and escape without getting caught, reflecting the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict arises from the characters' differing approaches to the staged robbery plan, creating tension and uncertainty. The presence of external threats adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, with obstacles that challenge the characters' plans.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters attempt to execute a risky staged robbery plan while dealing with external threats and uncertainties.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the staged robbery plan, revealing new information about the bank, and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' plans and the humorous elements that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' moral values and the decision to stage a fake real robbery. It challenges their beliefs about honesty and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions of anxiety, relief, and skepticism from the characters, engaging the audience in their predicament. The humor adds a light-hearted touch.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the scene forward. It reveals character motivations, conflicts, and adds depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the unique premise of the fake real robbery, and the dynamic between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a good balance between dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with clear setups and payoffs for the characters' goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the comedic tone established in previous scenes, with the absurdity of the characters' plan for a 'fake real' robbery. However, the dialogue could benefit from more clarity to ensure that the audience fully understands the concept without getting lost in the humor.
  • The character dynamics are strong, particularly the interplay between Mara, Tiff, and Carl. However, Rita's confusion about the plan feels a bit forced and could be streamlined to enhance the flow of the conversation. Instead of just expressing confusion, she could contribute a humorous or insightful comment that reflects her character's personality.
  • The transition between the bank breakroom and the police mobile unit is effective in showcasing the contrasting perspectives of the characters. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue in the mobile unit to maintain momentum. The humor in Caulfield's reaction is great, but it could be more impactful if it were more concise.
  • Carl's introduction in the bank office is a nice touch, providing a moment of levity amidst the tension. However, his casual demeanor could be contrasted more sharply with the others' anxiety to heighten the comedic effect. Additionally, his knowledge about the vault feels a bit convenient; it might be more engaging if it were revealed through a more organic conversation rather than a straightforward exposition.
  • The scene ends with a strong hook as Mara decides they need to investigate the false wall, but it could be enhanced by adding a moment of collective realization or excitement among the group. This would emphasize their camaraderie and the absurdity of their situation, making the transition to the next scene feel more dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the concept of a 'fake real' robbery through a brief exchange that highlights the absurdity while ensuring the audience understands the plan. Perhaps have one character summarize it in a humorous way that resonates with the others.
  • Streamline Rita's dialogue to make her confusion feel more natural and less forced. Consider giving her a witty remark that reflects her character's personality while still expressing her confusion.
  • Tighten the dialogue in the police mobile unit to maintain pacing. Consider cutting any unnecessary lines that don't add to the humor or character development.
  • Enhance the contrast between Carl's relaxed demeanor and the others' anxiety to amplify the comedic effect. Consider adding a line that highlights how out of place Carl feels in the tense situation.
  • Add a moment of collective excitement or realization among the group when Mara decides to investigate the false wall. This could be a shared joke or a spontaneous cheer that emphasizes their bond and the absurdity of their plan.



Scene 16 -  The Vault Plan
INT. OLD ATM ROOM – MINUTES LATER

The girls and robbers crowd around an old ATM, dusty and
unplugged.

Carl points to a weak section of wall. RITA hits it with a
crowbar — plaster cracks. Behind it: a narrow passage, just
big enough to crawl through.

JULES
I feel like we just found Narnia’s
ghetto cousin.

---


INT. RECORD VAULT – MOMENTS LATER

They crawl into a low-ceilinged room with metal drawers and
heavy dust. It’s eerie but intact. A rusty rolling cart sits
in the corner.


TIFF
If someone tells me this is
haunted, I’m out.

MARA
This is it.

She turns slowly, taking in the space.

MARA (CONT’D)
We stage the handoff here. Make it
look like this was the original
target. Leave signs we “escaped”
through the alley access.

RITA
We’re not escaping.

CHAD
We’re *getting paid*.

JULES
(serious now)
No one dies. No one gets hurt.
That’s the rule.

RITA
Fine. But if anyone shoots at me —
I’m shooting back.

TIFF
Fair.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In an old ATM room, a group of robbers led by Carl discovers a weak wall section, prompting Rita to break through with a crowbar. They crawl into a dusty record vault, where Mara proposes staging a handoff to mislead their intentions. Tensions rise as Rita worries about potential violence, while Jules insists on a no-harm rule. Amidst light-hearted banter, including Tiff's fears of a haunted vault, the group debates their motivations and solidifies their plan, setting the stage for the heist's next phase.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Pivotal plot development
  • Effective humor and tension balance
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too humorous given the serious situation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear purpose of introducing a new element that changes the direction of the story. The dialogue is engaging, balancing humor and tension effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of discovering a hidden vault adds intrigue and complexity to the heist plot. It introduces a new element that raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly with the discovery of the hidden vault, setting up new challenges and opportunities for the characters. It adds depth to the heist narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the characters' internal conflicts and moral dilemmas. The dialogue feels authentic and the setting adds a unique twist to the typical heist scenario.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the discovery of the vault reveal their personalities and motivations, deepening their development. The dynamics between the robbers and the trio are further explored.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a subtle shift in their plans and dynamics after discovering the hidden vault. Their reactions reveal new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure that no one gets hurt during the heist. This reflects their deeper desire for safety and morality, as well as a sense of responsibility for their actions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully stage a handoff and get paid for their criminal activities. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' differing motivations and approaches to the heist. The discovery of the hidden vault adds a new layer of tension and uncertainty.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal conflicts, moral dilemmas, and potential violence. The uncertainty of the heist outcome adds to the opposition, creating suspense and keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the discovery of the hidden vault, as the characters must navigate new challenges and risks in their heist plan. The potential for conflict and danger increases.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new element that changes the characters' plans and strategies. It sets up the next phase of the heist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, the potential for violence, and the uncertain outcome of the heist. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' decisions and the consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on violence and morality. Some characters are willing to use force if necessary, while others are more hesitant to resort to violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including relief, tension, and humor. The characters' reactions to the discovery of the vault add depth to their emotional journey.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys humor, tension, and character dynamics. It moves the plot forward while revealing the characters' thoughts and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas faced by the characters, and the sense of unpredictability in the heist. The dialogue and actions keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, revealing key information at strategic moments, and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a clear goal for the characters, and a resolution that sets up future conflicts. The pacing and formatting enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension and absurdity established in previous scenes, maintaining the comedic tone while introducing a new setting that heightens the stakes. The dialogue is sharp and character-driven, showcasing each character's personality and their differing motivations, which adds depth to the group dynamic.
  • Jules' line about finding 'Narnia’s ghetto cousin' is a clever way to inject humor into a tense situation, but it could be enhanced by making it more specific to the characters' experiences or the context of their current predicament. This would help ground the humor in the narrative.
  • Mara's leadership is evident as she outlines the plan, but the transition from humor to seriousness could be smoother. The shift in tone when Jules insists that 'no one dies' feels abrupt. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a visual cue that emphasizes the gravity of their situation before this line to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue between Rita and Chad about getting paid versus escaping is effective in highlighting their differing priorities, but it could benefit from more tension. Perhaps adding a moment where they argue or express frustration with each other would deepen the conflict and make their motivations clearer.
  • The setting of the record vault is intriguing, but it could be described with more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describing the smell of dust, the sound of their movements, or the eerie silence could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a shared look among the characters after Jules' serious statement about no one getting hurt. This could emphasize the weight of their situation and create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Enhance the humor in Jules' line about Narnia by incorporating a reference that ties back to their current predicament or character backgrounds, making it feel more relevant and personal.
  • Introduce a moment of conflict between Rita and Chad that escalates their differing views on the plan. This could involve a more heated exchange that showcases their personalities and adds tension to the scene.
  • Add more sensory details to the description of the record vault to create a vivid atmosphere. Consider incorporating sounds, smells, and visual elements that evoke a sense of unease or nostalgia.
  • Ensure that Mara's leadership is consistently portrayed throughout the scene. Perhaps include a moment where she reassures the group or reflects on the gravity of their plan, reinforcing her role as the decision-maker.



Scene 17 -  The People's Bank Liberation Coalition
INT. BANK LOBBY – LATER

Outside, news trucks pull up. Reporters in blazers and
ponytails jump out, shouting.


INT. BREAKROOM – SAME

The group watches the live feed on Derek’s phone.

REPORTER (V.O.)
...still unclear who’s inside, but
sources suggest a possible protest
or performance art hostage
situation...


TIFF
Performance art. I love that for
us.

---


INT. POLICE LINE – SAME

GINA CAULFIELD steps up with a bullhorn.

CAULFIELD
This is Negotiator Gina Caulfield
with the Metro Crisis Unit. We want
to make sure everyone stays safe.

Beat.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
Please respond so we know how to
proceed.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

Everyone turns to Mara.

MARA
This is it.

RITA
You sure you want to lead this
train wreck?

MARA
Someone has to. I’m done letting
the world shove me into a corner.

Beat.

She steps to the microphone.

MARA (INTO MIC) (CONT’D)
This is... the People's Bank
Liberation Coalition.

JULES
You went with the ska band name.


MARA
We’re safe. We have demands. And
we’re willing to negotiate — if you
bring pizza. And a ferret.

TIFF
She’s really committing to the bit.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a bank lobby during a tense hostage situation, news trucks gather outside as reporters speculate on the unfolding events. Inside, a group watches the live feed, while negotiator Gina Caulfield attempts to establish communication with the hostages. Taking charge, Mara introduces the group as the 'People's Bank Liberation Coalition' and humorously demands pizza and a ferret, blending dark humor with the seriousness of the situation. The scene captures the contrast between the chaotic news coverage outside and the group's lighthearted approach, culminating in Mara's bold declaration into the microphone.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that moves the plot forward while showcasing the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a group of unlikely allies navigating a hostage situation with humor and creativity is fresh and engaging, adding depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with the introduction of high stakes, conflict, and character dynamics driving the narrative forward in an engaging way.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and humorous take on a familiar hostage situation scenario, with quirky character interactions and unexpected demands.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, each bringing a unique personality and perspective to the scene. Their interactions and development add depth and humor to the overall story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' perspectives and relationships, the scene focuses more on their collaborative efforts and humor in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to take control of the situation and assert herself as a leader. This reflects her desire to no longer be passive and to stand up for herself.

External Goal: 7

Mara's external goal is to negotiate with the authorities and make demands for the safety of her group. This reflects the immediate challenge of the situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising as the characters navigate a dangerous situation with humor and creativity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Rita's doubt and skepticism, adding a layer of conflict and uncertainty to Mara's leadership.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing a dangerous situation that requires quick thinking, teamwork, and creativity to navigate.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, alliances, and plot developments within the context of a tense hostage situation.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to Mara's unexpected demands and the uncertain outcome of the negotiation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between Mara's desire to take control and assert herself against the world's expectations and Rita's skepticism and doubt about Mara's ability to lead.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including amusement, tension, and empathy for the characters, adding depth and engagement to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective of each character's personality, adding depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining the tension and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic atmosphere of a hostage situation while blending humor with tension. The juxtaposition of the serious nature of the crisis with the absurdity of the demands (pizza and a ferret) adds a comedic layer that aligns well with the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • Mara's character development is highlighted as she steps up to take charge, showcasing her growth from feeling overlooked to asserting herself as a leader. This moment is pivotal for her character arc, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional underpinning to emphasize her motivations and the stakes involved.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, particularly the banter between the characters. However, the transition from the serious tone of the police negotiator to the lightheartedness of Mara's demands feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of the 'People's Bank Liberation Coalition' is a clever play on words, but it may come off as slightly forced. The humor could be more organic if the name was introduced in a way that reflects the characters' personalities or past experiences, rather than feeling like a punchline.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere. For instance, describing the expressions of the reporters or the tension in the air could help ground the audience in the moment and heighten the stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Mara before she steps up to the microphone, reflecting on her fears or the weight of the moment. This could deepen her character and make her decision to lead more impactful.
  • To improve the transition between the serious and comedic elements, you could include a moment of hesitation or a humorous exchange among the group before Mara makes her demands, allowing the audience to adjust to the tonal shift.
  • Explore the backstory of the 'People's Bank Liberation Coalition' name in a humorous way, perhaps through a quick flashback or a joke that ties it to their past experiences, making it feel more authentic.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the news trucks outside, the expressions of the characters as they react to the situation, or the atmosphere in the bank lobby, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider adding a moment where the group collectively decides on the demands, showcasing their camaraderie and the absurdity of the situation, which could further emphasize the humor and lighten the tension.



Scene 18 -  Chaos and Commitment
INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – SAME

Caulfield listens, blinking hard.

CAULFIELD
They’re serious. And they just gave
us a name.

OFFICER
The People’s Bank—

CAULFIELD
Don’t repeat it.

---


INT. BANK – NIGHTFALL

The lights are dimmed. Everyone eats gas station burritos.

MARA stares at her old name tag, which she pulled from a
drawer.

She pins it to her shirt. The others look at her.

MARA
If I’m going down, I’m going down
as management.

They clink burrito wrappers.

The camera slowly pulls back from the lobby — a mess of wigs,
crime scene tape, a hostage Carl asleep in a chair, and a
renegade crew of women and misfits about to commit to the
unthinkable...

FADE TO BLACK.


INT. BANK LOBBY – NIGHTFALL

The lobby is dim now. Makeshift camp. Wigs tossed on chairs.
Burrito wrappers and empty water bottles scattered like
confetti.

MARA sits with her old **First Federal** name tag in her
hand. She runs her thumb over the plastic. Her eyes are
focused. No more second-guessing.

TIFF
You alright, boss?

MARA
I used to take lunch in that
breakroom... dream about getting
promoted, moving up. Owning
something.

She pins the name tag to her shirt.

MARA (CONT’D)
This is mine now. All of it. The
chaos, the risk, the whole dumb
plan. I’m done waiting for
permission.

JULES
Okay, that just gave me chills.
Also a little heartburn.

RITA watches Mara. Respect growing.

RITA
Alright then. What’s the next move?

---


INT. RECORD VAULT – MOMENTS LATER

MARA lays out the plan on a whiteboard while the crew gathers
around. Everyone’s listening.

MARA
Here’s how it plays. We pretend
this was always the real target —
legacy safety deposit boxes. We
plant signs of forced entry near
the rear wall. Cops think we came
in through the alley and sealed
ourselves in.


CHAD
What about the other entrance?

TIFF
We barricade it. Use the file
cabinets. Maybe Carl.

JULES
And we each walk out with something
small. Something that fits in a
purse or jacket. Nothing greedy.

MARA
Greedy gets sloppy. This is a
*surgical* mess.

Everyone nods. They're becoming a real crew — dysfunctional,
sure. But committed.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit bank lobby, Mara takes charge of a heist plan, rallying her crew of women and misfits as they share gas station burritos and strategize. Amidst the chaos, Mara pins her old name tag to her shirt, symbolizing her commitment to the operation. The crew discusses logistics and emphasizes the importance of precision and caution, agreeing to avoid greed. As they gather around a whiteboard, Mara's leadership is solidified, and the crew expresses their support, culminating in a tense yet determined atmosphere as they prepare to execute their plan.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Cohesive team dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on character development, plot progression, and building tension. The dialogue is engaging, the stakes are high, and the emotional impact is significant.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of planning a heist within a heist is innovative and adds layers of complexity to the story. The scene introduces a new dynamic to the group's dynamics and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with the characters making crucial decisions and setting up a major heist operation. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on a diverse group of female characters and their motivations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with Mara taking on a leadership role, Jules providing humor, Tiff expressing skepticism, and Rita showing respect for Mara's decisions. Each character contributes to the scene's dynamics and progression.

Character Changes: 9

Mara undergoes a significant character change in this scene, stepping up as a leader and taking charge of the situation. The other characters also show growth and development, forming a cohesive team with a common goal.

Internal Goal: 9

Mara's internal goal is to take control of her own destiny and assert her power and agency. She wants to stop waiting for permission and take ownership of the chaos and risk around her.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist and walk away with something valuable without getting caught by the police.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their roles in the heist and their evolving relationships. The tension between planning a heist and maintaining a facade adds layers to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles in executing the heist, adding to the suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters plan a risky heist within a hostage situation, risking their lives and freedom. The outcome of their actions could have significant consequences, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 10

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major heist operation, setting up future conflicts and resolutions, and deepening the characters' arcs. It establishes a new direction for the narrative and builds anticipation for what's to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected decisions and the uncertain outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to break the law and challenge societal norms in pursuit of their own goals. It challenges traditional ideas of morality and legality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as Mara's transformation into a leader and the crew's camaraderie evoke feelings of hope, determination, and solidarity. The characters' vulnerabilities and strengths are on display, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It drives the scene forward, adds depth to the characters, and sets the tone for the upcoming heist.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the characters' rebellious actions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the characters plan and prepare for the heist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, planning, and character interactions leading to the execution of the heist.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the transition of Mara from a passive character to a decisive leader, which is a crucial development in her arc. However, the emotional weight of her decision could be enhanced by incorporating more internal conflict or flashbacks that illustrate her past experiences at the bank, making her commitment feel more profound.
  • The dialogue is engaging and humorous, particularly with Jules' line about heartburn, which adds levity to the tension. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, Mara's declaration about going down as management could be more succinct to heighten its dramatic effect.
  • The visual imagery of the dimly lit bank lobby filled with wigs and burrito wrappers is vivid and sets a chaotic tone, but it might benefit from more sensory details. Describing the smell of the burritos or the sound of wrappers crinkling could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Mara's personal moment with the name tag to the planning session could be smoother. A brief moment of silence or a shared look among the crew could emphasize the gravity of the moment before shifting to the more tactical discussion.
  • The camaraderie among the crew is evident, but the dynamics could be explored further. For example, showing more reactions from the crew members as Mara speaks could highlight their growing respect for her leadership and add depth to their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or internal monologue for Mara as she reflects on her past at the bank, which would deepen the emotional stakes of her decision to take charge.
  • Tighten Mara's dialogue to make her declaration more impactful. For example, instead of 'If I’m going down, I’m going down as management,' consider a more concise version like 'If I’m going down, I’m going down as a leader.'
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting. Describe the smell of the burritos or the sound of the crinkling wrappers to create a more immersive experience.
  • Smooth the transition between Mara's personal moment and the planning session by including a moment of silence or a shared look among the crew to emphasize the significance of her decision.
  • Explore the crew dynamics further by showing more reactions from the other characters as Mara speaks, which would highlight their respect for her leadership and add depth to their relationships.



Scene 19 -  Unity in the Face of Chaos
EXT. POLICE PERIMETER – NIGHT

CAMERAS roll. CHIEF DUNCAN stands behind a podium now, beside
CAULFIELD.

REPORTER
Do we have names for the suspects?

DUNCAN
At this time, we are treating this
as an active criminal standoff—

REPORTER 2
But social media says they’re
performance artists?

Caulfield leans into the mic.

CAULFIELD
They’re calling themselves the
*People’s Bank Liberation
Coalition*. We advise the public
not to support or engage.

---


INT. BANK – SAME

JULES is watching a livestream on her phone. She flips the
screen to show Mara.


JULES
You’re trending. Like, number four
nationally.

TIFF
What’s number one?

JULES
Some guy who stole a bear costume
and ran into traffic.

MARA
We can’t screw this up.

RITA
Then let’s not.

She offers her hand. TIFF clasps it. JULES piles on. CHAD
reluctantly joins. Even DEREK throws in a sweaty palm.

MARA hesitates... then places her hand on top.

MARA
Alright.

JULES
Let’s rob a goddamn bank.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene, Chief Duncan and Caulfield address reporters outside a bank under siege by the 'People’s Bank Liberation Coalition.' Inside, Jules informs Mara of their rising social media presence, while the group grapples with the gravity of their plan to rob the bank. Amidst anxiety and external pressure, Mara leads a moment of solidarity, rallying the group to commit to their cause, culminating in her declaration to proceed with the robbery.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Engaging plot development
  • Well-defined characters
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in character motivations
  • Occasional tonal shifts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The dialogue is witty, the plot is intriguing, and the characters are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of misfits planning a fake bank robbery for social media attention is fresh and engaging. The scene explores themes of teamwork, identity, and the power of social media in a creative way.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and well-developed, with the characters working together to execute a risky plan. The introduction of the hidden vault adds intrigue and raises the stakes for the heist.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by blending political activism with criminal activity, creating a morally complex narrative that challenges traditional notions of heroism and villainy.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions and dynamics drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, particularly in their attitudes towards the heist plan, their relationships with each other, and their willingness to take risks for the greater good.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to successfully execute the bank robbery without any major mishaps, reflecting her desire for control and competence in a high-stakes situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to rob the bank as part of the People's Bank Liberation Coalition, reflecting the immediate challenge they are facing in executing the heist amidst media attention and public scrutiny.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the characters' internal struggles, the high-stakes situation they find themselves in, and the tension between their comedic and serious objectives.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing external challenges from law enforcement and internal conflicts within their group, creating obstacles that test their resolve and unity.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the characters' risky plan, the presence of law enforcement outside the bank, and the potential consequences of their actions. The tension is palpable, adding urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, developing character relationships, and setting up the heist plan. It builds anticipation for the next stage of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of their heist, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the story's twists and turns.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral ambiguity in committing a crime for a political cause, challenging their beliefs and values as they navigate the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including humor, tension, and empathy for the characters. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' vulnerabilities and the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the tension, humor, and camaraderie among the group.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and moral ambiguity, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemma and creating suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, propelling the story forward and keeping the audience engaged in the characters' actions and decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a heist genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drives the narrative forward and builds suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension of the situation while maintaining a comedic tone, which is a hallmark of the screenplay. The juxtaposition of the serious police response with the absurdity of the characters' actions creates a unique dynamic that keeps the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the characters' personalities well. For instance, the contrast between the serious tone of Chief Duncan and the lighthearted banter among the crew adds depth to the scene. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct voices for each character to enhance their individuality.
  • The transition between the police perimeter and the bank is smooth, but the scene could use more visual cues to emphasize the chaos outside versus the camaraderie inside. This would help to heighten the stakes and make the audience feel the pressure the characters are under.
  • The moment where the crew places their hands together is a strong visual symbol of unity, but it could be enhanced with a more emotional beat. Perhaps a brief moment of reflection or a line that encapsulates their shared fears or hopes could deepen the impact of this gesture.
  • The ending line, 'Let’s rob a goddamn bank,' is a strong and humorous conclusion to the scene, but it might benefit from a slight adjustment to better reflect the gravity of their situation. A line that acknowledges the absurdity of their plan while still expressing determination could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or doubt from Mara before she places her hand on top of the group. This could highlight her leadership struggles and make her eventual commitment more impactful.
  • Enhance the visual contrast between the police perimeter and the bank by incorporating more sensory details, such as sounds of chaos outside or the atmosphere inside the bank, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Introduce a line or two that showcases the characters' individual motivations or fears about the heist, which could add layers to their camaraderie and make the audience more invested in their success.
  • Explore the possibility of including a humorous or absurd detail about the trending bear costume incident that could serve as a comedic parallel to their own situation, reinforcing the theme of chaos.
  • Consider revising the final line to reflect both the absurdity and the seriousness of their plan, perhaps by adding a line that acknowledges the risks involved, such as 'Let’s rob a goddamn bank... and hope we don’t end up in jail.'



Scene 20 -  Heist Hilarity: The Training Montage
INT. BANK LOBBY – MORNING

The sun creeps in. Everyone’s disheveled. JULES films a short
TikTok while CHAD does stretches in a ski mask.

MARA sits alone, scribbling final notes on the whiteboard.
She’s in full mission mode.

TIFF
(entering with coffee)
Alright, boss. What’s first?


MARA

Training day.

TIFF
Oh God. Are we doing drills?

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – MONTAGE

! TIFF tries to tape a duffel bag full of cash to her thigh.
It falls out mid-run.

! CHAD rehearses his “cool walk” for the security cameras.
Slips.

! JULES draws lipstick plans on the vault wall. Misspells
“diversion.”

! DEREK eats an entire energy bar in one bite, chokes,
recovers, and gives a thumbs up.

! MARA claps a dry erase marker like it’s a baton. Her “coach
mode” is fully activated.

! RITA looks silently into the camera — this is hell.

---


INT. RECORD VAULT – LATER

The team gathers around the old vault.


MARA

We’ll create the illusion of a second escape tunnel. Knock
over a few racks, leave a rope hanging from the ceiling —
misdirect.


JULES

Ooo, magician energy. I like it.

TIFF
And we move the real loot out
through...?


MARA

The side alley, in three phases. Small, hidden, timed with
distraction.


CHAD

What’s the distraction?


JULES
(smiling)
Us.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In a chaotic bank lobby, a mismatched team prepares for a heist with a blend of humor and determination. Jules films a TikTok, Chad fumbles in a ski mask, and Mara leads the training efforts, despite Tiff's skepticism. A montage showcases their clumsy attempts at preparation, including mishaps with a duffel bag and misspelled notes. As they gather around the vault, Mara outlines a plan for a false escape route, and the team agrees to use themselves as the distraction, highlighting their camaraderie and readiness for the heist.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strategic planning
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel rushed
  • Lack of in-depth character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and strategic planning, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The characters' interactions and the unfolding heist plan add depth to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the team preparing for a heist with a mix of humor, tension, and strategic planning is engaging and sets the stage for an exciting storyline. The idea of creating a diversion and misdirection adds depth to the heist plan.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the team's preparation for the heist, with a focus on creating a diversion and executing a complex plan. The progression of the heist plan adds intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the characters' personalities and dynamics rather than just the action. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene showcase their individual quirks and skills, adding depth to the team dynamic. Each character's unique personality traits contribute to the overall humor and tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their approach to the heist plan, showcasing their growth and adaptability. The team dynamic evolves as they work together to overcome challenges and execute the plan.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to successfully execute the heist and prove her skills as a leader. This reflects her desire for recognition, validation, and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to steal the loot from the bank without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge of executing a complex heist plan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene arises from the tension of preparing for a high-stakes heist and the challenges the team must overcome to execute their plan successfully. The internal conflicts and external obstacles add depth to the storyline.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that the characters must overcome to execute the heist successfully. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate these difficulties.

High Stakes: 8

The high-stakes nature of the heist plan adds tension and urgency to the scene, highlighting the risks involved and the importance of executing the plan successfully. The team's determination to succeed despite the obstacles raises the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the heist plan and introducing the challenges the team must face. The progression of the plan adds intrigue and sets the stage for future developments in the storyline.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the twists in the heist plan. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the robbery.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. It challenges Mara's beliefs about right and wrong, as she leads a group of individuals in committing a crime.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including humor, tension, and determination. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes nature of the heist plan create an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the humor, tension, and strategic planning elements of the heist. The interactions between the characters are engaging and reveal their personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and unexpected twists. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes nature of the heist keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and excitement, with a balance of action, dialogue, and visual descriptions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a setup, planning, and execution phase. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and excitement of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic energy of the heist preparation, showcasing the characters' personalities through their actions and dialogue. However, the humor sometimes overshadows the tension of the situation, which could be balanced better to maintain stakes.
  • The montage format is a great way to convey the disarray and comedic elements of their training, but it could benefit from clearer transitions between each moment to enhance the flow. The abrupt shifts might confuse the audience about the timeline and the progression of their training.
  • Mara's leadership is established well, but her character could be further developed by showing her internal conflict or doubts about the plan. This would add depth to her role and make her more relatable, especially as she takes charge in a high-stakes situation.
  • The dialogue is witty and fits the tone of the film, but some lines, like 'magician energy,' could be more grounded or specific to enhance the humor. It might help to use phrases that reflect the characters' backgrounds or experiences.
  • The visual elements, such as the disheveled appearance of the characters and the sun creeping in, set a good atmosphere. However, more specific descriptions of the bank lobby's state could enhance the setting, making it feel more lived-in and chaotic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Mara expresses her concerns or fears about the heist, which would create a more nuanced character arc and allow the audience to connect with her struggles.
  • Refine the montage transitions by using visual cues or sound effects that signal the end of one training moment and the beginning of another, creating a smoother viewing experience.
  • Incorporate more specific dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and backgrounds, which can enhance the humor and make the interactions feel more authentic.
  • Add a brief moment of reflection or camaraderie among the characters after the montage, allowing them to acknowledge the absurdity of their situation and reinforce their bond as a team.
  • Enhance the setting description to include more sensory details, such as the sounds of the bank or the smell of coffee, to immerse the audience further into the scene.



Scene 21 -  Chaos and Opportunism
EXT. BANK – MIDDAY

News vans clog the street. Social media influencers are live-
streaming. One kid holds a sign:


**“FOLLOW @BANKGIRLS_4LIFE”**

CAULFIELD watches from the command tent, exhausted.


CAULFIELD

Why are they famous?


DUNCAN

The internet roots for chaos now.

A NEW OFFICER approaches with a printout.


OFFICER

We pulled the bank’s lease records. Mara Sloan used to work
there. Assistant manager. Fired three months ago after some
kind of whistleblower complaint.

CAULFIELD
(to herself)
There it is.

---


INT. BANK OFFICE – SAME

MARA reads a message on JULES’ phone:

**“Girl, are you really robbing a bank? LMK. You looked hot
in the livestream.”**

She sighs, then notices Carl’s burrito wrappers are missing.

TIFF
He’s not in the breakroom.


CHAD

Maybe he left?


MARA

Carl doesn’t leave. Carl... lurks.

---


INT. CRAWLSPACE NEAR THE ATM – MOMENTS LATER

Sure enough — CARL crawls through a vent, humming “Uptown
Funk” to himself, holding a backpack.

JULES
Carl! Are you stealing from us?


CARL

I prefer “opportunistic withdrawal.”

TIFF
We just promoted you to emotional
support hostage!


CARL

Well, I un-promote myself. Also, the cops out front brought
donuts. That feels relevant.

He crawls out of view again.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a chaotic scene outside a bank, news vans and social media influencers gather as a bank robbery unfolds. Caulfield, observing from a command tent, is perplexed by the influencers' fame, while Duncan explains the internet's obsession with chaos. Inside, Mara Sloan, a former assistant manager, receives a message from Jules questioning her involvement in the robbery and notices missing burrito wrappers linked to Carl. Meanwhile, Carl humorously crawls through a vent, referring to his actions as an 'opportunistic withdrawal' and commenting on the police's donuts. The scene blends tension and humor, highlighting the conflicting priorities of the characters, particularly Carl's self-interest against the group's plans.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, chaos, and light-heartedness to create an engaging and entertaining dynamic among the characters. The dialogue is witty and the situation is both tense and amusing, keeping the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of misfits planning a bank heist in a humorous and chaotic manner is engaging and unique. The scene effectively introduces the concept and sets up the heist scenario with creativity.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters planning a bank heist in a comedic and chaotic way, with elements of humor and tension. The plot progression is engaging and sets up the conflict and stakes effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as social media influencers and the internet's role in shaping public perception of events. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and each has a distinct personality that adds to the humor and dynamics of the group. The interactions between the characters drive the scene and keep the audience entertained.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters evolve as they work together to plan the heist. Each character's personality is further revealed through their actions and dialogue.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Mara Sloan's firing and the whistleblower complaint. This reflects Caulfield's desire for justice and her need to solve the mystery surrounding the bank robbery.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the bank robbers and ensure the safety of the hostages. This reflects the immediate challenge Caulfield is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the characters' differing personalities, goals, and the tension of the heist situation. The conflict adds depth and humor to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and conflicting motivations that add complexity to the situation. The uncertainty of Carl's actions and the discovery of Mara's past create tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are moderate, with the characters facing the challenge of planning a bank heist in a chaotic and humorous manner. While the situation is tense, the comedic elements lighten the tone.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the heist scenario, introducing conflict, and advancing the plot. The characters' actions and decisions propel the narrative and set the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and revelations from the characters, such as Carl's opportunistic withdrawal and the discovery of Mara's connection to the bank.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of chaos and the internet's fascination with it. Caulfield's question about why the influencers are famous highlights a clash between traditional values of fame and the modern obsession with chaos and attention-seeking behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the humor and chaos of the situation. The audience is likely to feel entertained and amused by the interactions between the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the unique personalities of each character. The banter and exchanges between the characters add depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and the introduction of intriguing plot developments. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character moments that maintain the tension and momentum of the heist. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It follows the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions that propel the narrative forward. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful heist genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic atmosphere surrounding the bank robbery, with the presence of news vans and social media influencers adding a modern twist. However, the dialogue could be sharpened to enhance character voices and make them more distinct. For instance, Caulfield's line about the internet rooting for chaos feels a bit on-the-nose and could be rephrased to sound more natural or reflective of her character's frustration.
  • The transition between the exterior and interior scenes is smooth, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels slightly disjointed as it shifts from the command tent to the bank office and then to the crawlspace. Consider adding a brief moment of tension or urgency to connect these locations more cohesively, perhaps by showing the characters reacting to the chaos outside.
  • Carl's character is humorous and adds levity to the scene, but his motivations and actions could be better defined. The line about 'opportunistic withdrawal' is clever, but it might benefit from a clearer connection to the overall plot. Why is he stealing from the group? Is it purely for comedic effect, or does it serve a larger purpose in the story?
  • The use of social media in the narrative is timely and relevant, but it could be further explored. Perhaps include a brief interaction between the influencers and the characters to highlight the absurdity of the situation and the impact of social media on public perception. This could also deepen the conflict between the characters and the outside world.
  • The dialogue among the characters is generally light and humorous, which fits the tone of the screenplay. However, some lines feel a bit forced, particularly Tiff's line about Carl being promoted to 'emotional support hostage.' This could be reworked to sound more organic and less like a setup for a joke.
Suggestions
  • Revise Caulfield's line about the internet to make it more reflective of her character's personality, perhaps by incorporating a sarcastic or frustrated tone that aligns with her role as a negotiator.
  • Add a moment of urgency or tension when transitioning between the command tent and the bank office to create a stronger connection between the scenes and maintain the pacing.
  • Clarify Carl's motivations for his actions in the crawlspace. Consider adding a line that hints at his reasoning or connects his actions to the larger narrative.
  • Incorporate a brief interaction between the influencers and the characters to emphasize the absurdity of the situation and the influence of social media on public perception.
  • Rework Tiff's line about Carl to make it sound more natural and less like a punchline. Consider using a more subtle approach to humor that fits the character's voice.



Scene 22 -  Chaos in the Bank
INT. BANK LOBBY – SHORTLY AFTER

Chaos. The whiteboard is smeared. Jules is reapplying mascara
with one hand and texting with the other. CHAD and DEREK are
fighting over what kind of music to play during “the
distraction.”

RITA
(to Mara)
This plan is held together with
cheap wigs and bad decisions.


MARA
(smiles)
Sounds like my last relationship.

Suddenly—

" LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.)
MARA SLOAN, THIS IS GINA CAULFIELD
WITH METRO CRISIS RESPONSE. WE KNOW
YOU’RE INSIDE. WE’D LIKE TO TALK.

Silence.

Everyone turns to Mara.

JULES
Ohhh. They dropped your full name.
That’s either respect… or war.

TIFF
We can’t talk to her, right?

MARA
No. Not until we’re ready.


CHAD

And when will that be?

MARA
When we stop sucking at this.

---


INT. BREAKROOM – NIGHTFALL

MARA stands in front of a corkboard covered in scribbled
notes, maps, and lipstick doodles.

The plan is ugly... but it might actually work.

TIFF enters with snacks.

TIFF
We’re one distraction, two wigs,
and a miracle away.

MARA
That’s two more things than we had
yesterday.

They clink candy bars.


JULES (O.S.)
Guys, Carl just posted a live
stream from the roof.

MARA
...Goddamnit, Carl.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a chaotic bank lobby, Jules juggles applying mascara and texting while Chad and Derek bicker over music for their distraction plan, prompting Rita's cynical remarks about its instability. A loudspeaker announces that Gina Caulfield from Metro Crisis Response wants to speak with Mara, raising concerns about their readiness. Later, in a breakroom at night, Mara reviews a messy corkboard filled with notes, hinting at a glimmer of hope. Tiff brings snacks, fostering camaraderie, but frustration mounts when Jules reveals that Carl is live streaming from the roof, complicating their situation further.
Strengths
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some chaotic elements may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor, chaos, and seriousness, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' dynamic interactions and the unfolding heist plan.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of planning a fake robbery to avoid violence while navigating a tense situation is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters preparing for a heist, introducing conflict, humor, and character dynamics effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre with its quirky characters, unconventional plan, and witty dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters show growth and development throughout the scene, particularly in their teamwork and decision-making processes.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to prove herself and her team capable of executing the plan successfully, reflecting her need for validation and competence.

External Goal: 7.5

Mara's external goal is to execute the bank heist plan without getting caught by the authorities, reflecting the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' differing opinions, the high-stakes situation of the heist, and the external pressure from law enforcement.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges from external forces and internal conflicts, creating obstacles that drive the plot forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the heist, the presence of law enforcement, and the characters' personal motivations raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the heist plan, escalating the tension, and setting up the next steps in the characters' journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the evolving nature of the heist plan, creating suspense and intrigue for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' moral boundaries and the line between right and wrong in pursuing their goals. This challenges Mara's beliefs and values as she navigates the ethical dilemmas of the heist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension, keeping the audience emotionally invested in the characters and their predicament.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high-stakes situation, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with humor, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a setup of the plan, character interactions, and a cliffhanger ending, maintaining the audience's interest.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic atmosphere of the bank lobby, showcasing the characters' personalities through their actions and dialogue. However, the transition from the chaos to the serious moment with the loudspeaker could be smoother. The sudden shift in tone might benefit from a brief moment of tension or a visual cue that indicates the seriousness of the situation before the announcement.
  • Mara's response to the loudspeaker announcement is a strong moment, but it could be enhanced by showing her internal conflict or fear about being called out. This would add depth to her character and heighten the stakes of the situation.
  • The humor in the dialogue is well-placed, particularly Mara's quip about her last relationship. However, the humor could be balanced with a bit more urgency or tension, especially given the context of a bank robbery. This would help maintain the stakes while still allowing for character-driven humor.
  • The visual elements, such as the smeared whiteboard and the characters' actions, effectively convey the chaos. However, more specific details about the setting could enhance the scene. For example, describing the sounds of the bank lobby or the expressions on the characters' faces could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The introduction of the corkboard in the breakroom is a nice visual metaphor for the disorganized nature of their plan. However, it might be beneficial to include a line or two that reflects Mara's thoughts on the plan's viability, adding a layer of tension as they prepare for the heist.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a visual cue before the loudspeaker announcement to build tension and emphasize the seriousness of the situation.
  • Explore Mara's internal conflict or fear when her name is announced, which could add depth to her character and heighten the stakes.
  • Balance the humor with a sense of urgency, ensuring that the stakes of the bank robbery are clear while still allowing for character-driven moments.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the setting, such as sounds or character expressions, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Include a line or two reflecting Mara's thoughts on the corkboard plan's viability, which could add tension and anticipation as they prepare for the heist.



Scene 23 -  Live-Streaming Chaos
INT. BANK ROOFTOP – DAY

CARL leans against an ancient HVAC unit, phone in one hand,
selfie-stick in the other.

CARL
(into livestream)
—so then they tell me, “Carl, you
can’t nap in the vault anymore,”
and I say, "You call this an armed
standoff? Please. I've had worse at
Denny's."

He pans to the skyline.

CARL (CONT’D)
Anyhow, if anyone’s got eyes on
that donut truck, tell 'em to toss
me a maple bar.

Behind him, a POLICE SNIPER raises an eyebrow.

---


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – SAME

CAULFIELD and CHIEF DUNCAN stare at Carl’s livestream feed.


CAULFIELD

Why is this man holding a churro and live-broadcasting from
my crime scene?


DUNCAN

He’s sort of a... freelance hostage.


OFFICER

He just tagged us. The account is gaining followers.


CAULFIELD

Wonderful. The hostage situation has merch.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

The crew crowds around JULES’ phone, watching Carl’s stream.


JULES

He just referred to us as “the budget Ocean’s Eleven.”


CHAD

Okay, but that’s kinda dope.


TIFF

Oh my God. He's doing shout-outs.

MARA
(serious)
Shut it off.

They look at her.

MARA (CONT’D)
Now. Before they come in here guns
blazing.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary On a bank rooftop during a hostage situation, Carl humorously live-streams his experience, joking about his past and even requesting a donut, oblivious to the police sniper watching him. Meanwhile, in the police mobile unit, Caulfield and Chief Duncan are baffled by Carl's casual demeanor and growing online following. Inside the bank, the crew reacts to Carl's antics, with Mara urging them to turn off the stream to avoid escalating tensions. The scene blends comedic absurdity with the seriousness of the hostage situation, culminating in Mara's insistence to shut down the livestream.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion
  • Occasional tonal shifts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character development to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The use of social media and livestreaming adds a modern twist to the traditional heist narrative, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a high-stakes heist with social media elements and humor is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and the plot, making the scene stand out.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters reacting to Carl's livestream and the escalating tension within the group. It moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the hostage situation genre by incorporating social media and humor into the narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their reactions to Carl's livestream. The dynamics between the crew members add depth to the scene and set up future conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their dynamics and relationships throughout the scene, setting up future developments. Mara takes charge, Jules shows humor, and Tiff expresses skepticism.

Internal Goal: 8

Carl's internal goal is to maintain his composure and sense of humor in a tense situation. His jokes and casual demeanor reflect his need to cope with stress and fear through humor.

External Goal: 7

Carl's external goal is to entertain his audience and gain followers through his livestream. This reflects his desire for attention and validation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters navigate their relationships and the escalating tension within the group. The external conflict with the police adds to the stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but also allows for moments of humor and character development. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters navigate a tense heist situation with the police outside. The humor and tension add to the overall stakes of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, dynamics, and plans for the heist. It sets up future events and developments within the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and character interactions that subvert traditional hostage situation tropes. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will escalate or resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of serious criminal activity and lighthearted social media content. This challenges the characters' beliefs about the appropriate response to dangerous situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, balancing humor with tension. The audience is invested in the characters' reactions and the unfolding heist.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' personalities and relationships. The humor and tension are balanced well, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding events, creating a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character reactions that maintain momentum and tension. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions that drive the narrative forward. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, balancing action and dialogue effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation through Carl's humorous livestream, which contrasts sharply with the serious nature of the hostage scenario. This juxtaposition adds a layer of dark comedy that aligns well with the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • Carl's character is well-defined in this scene; his nonchalant attitude and comedic timing provide a refreshing break from the tension. However, his actions could be seen as undermining the stakes of the situation, which may confuse the audience about the seriousness of the heist.
  • The dialogue is sharp and witty, particularly Carl's lines, which help to establish his character as both comedic relief and a source of chaos. However, the humor might overshadow the urgency of the situation, potentially leading to a disconnect for the audience regarding the gravity of the characters' predicament.
  • The reactions of Caulfield and Duncan in the police mobile unit are effective in showcasing the absurdity of the situation from the law enforcement perspective. Their dialogue adds depth to the scene, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional response to Carl's antics, emphasizing the frustration and disbelief they feel.
  • The transition between the rooftop and the police mobile unit is smooth, maintaining the flow of the scene. However, the pacing could be tightened to enhance the urgency, especially as the crew inside the bank reacts to Carl's livestream. The stakes should feel more immediate as they realize the potential consequences of his actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where the police sniper reacts more dramatically to Carl's antics, which could heighten the tension and emphasize the absurdity of the situation.
  • Introduce a line or two from Caulfield that reflects her frustration not just with Carl, but also with the overall chaos of the situation, to deepen her character and the stakes involved.
  • Explore the crew's reactions to Carl's livestream further. Perhaps include a moment of panic or realization that his actions could jeopardize their plan, which would enhance the tension and urgency of the scene.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting any unnecessary dialogue that doesn't contribute to the urgency of the situation. Focus on the immediate reactions of the crew to Carl's livestream to maintain a sense of impending chaos.
  • Consider incorporating a visual cue or sound effect that signifies the growing tension as Carl's livestream gains traction, such as notifications or alerts, to foreshadow the potential consequences of his actions.



Scene 24 -  Tensions and Preparations
INT. BANK BACK OFFICE – SHORTLY AFTER

MARA slams the door. RITA follows her in.


RITA

We should cut him loose. Let him waddle back to his HOA and
tweet about birds.

MARA
He knows the vault. The building.
He’s annoying — not useless.


RITA

The same could be said for half this crew.

Beat.

MARA
You're welcome to leave anytime,
Rita.

RITA
(smirks)
And miss the encore? Not a chance.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – NIGHT

TIFF lays out wigs and jackets. CHAD and DEREK stack fake
bags of cash near the vault door.

MARA
Okay, this is it. One dry run. In,
out, zero screwups.


JULES

Define “screwup.”

MARA
Anything involving nudity, police,
fire, or Carl.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In the bank's back office, MARA and RITA engage in a tense debate about whether to keep a crew member for his vault knowledge, with RITA's sarcasm challenging MARA's leadership. Meanwhile, in the lobby, TIFF prepares disguises while CHAD and DEREK organize fake cash bags. MARA outlines the heist's dry run plan, stressing the importance of avoiding screwups, defined as anything involving nudity, police, fire, or a crew member named Carl. The scene captures the urgency and camaraderie among the crew, ending with MARA's insistence on precision.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humor mixed with tension
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining heist planning sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of planning a fake heist within a hostage situation adds an intriguing layer to the story, blending comedy with crime elements.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances as the characters finalize their heist plan, introducing new challenges and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations in the context of a heist, with fresh dialogue and interactions that feel authentic to the criminal world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth, humor, and distinct personalities, contributing to the scene's dynamics and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Characters show subtle changes in their dynamics and motivations as they navigate the heist planning process.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to prove her competence and leadership in the criminal operation. This reflects her desire for respect and recognition in the criminal world.

External Goal: 7

Mara's external goal is to successfully execute the heist without any complications. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict within the group, the high stakes of the heist, and the external pressure from the police create tension and drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting opinions among the crew members and the potential for complications during the heist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the heist, the potential for conflict within the group, and the pressure from the police raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing the heist plan, introducing new obstacles, and setting up the next stages of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character dynamics and the potential risks involved in the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to the crew and practicality in decision-making. Mara values the skills of the crew members but also needs to make tough decisions for the success of the heist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

While there are moments of humor and tension, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals character relationships and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the high stakes of the heist, and the witty dialogue that keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and suspenseful, building tension effectively and keeping the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Mara and Rita effectively establishes tension and differing perspectives on Carl's value to the team. However, the exchange could benefit from more subtext to deepen their conflict. For instance, exploring Rita's frustration with the crew's dynamics could add layers to her character and make her motivations clearer.
  • Mara's leadership is showcased well, but her response to Rita's challenge feels somewhat flat. A more emotionally charged reaction could enhance the stakes of the scene, showing how much the heist means to her and why she feels compelled to keep Carl involved despite his flaws.
  • The transition from the back office to the bank lobby is abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two locations, maintaining the scene's flow and emphasizing the urgency of their situation.
  • The humor in Mara's definition of 'screwup' is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to previous events in the story. Referencing specific past mishaps involving nudity, police, fire, or Carl would create a stronger connection for the audience and enhance the comedic effect.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While it sets up the dry run, it doesn't provide a sense of progression or stakes for the characters. Adding a moment of doubt or a revelation could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Mara and Rita to deepen their conflict and reveal more about their characters' motivations.
  • Enhance Mara's emotional response to Rita's challenge to reflect the stakes of the heist and her commitment to the team.
  • Include a transitional moment or visual cue when moving from the back office to the bank lobby to maintain the scene's flow and urgency.
  • Reference specific past mishaps in Mara's definition of 'screwup' to create a stronger connection for the audience and enhance the humor.
  • Introduce a moment of doubt or revelation in the scene to provide an emotional arc and increase the stakes for the characters.



Scene 25 -  The Heist and the Spaghetti Surprise
INT. VAULT – MOMENTS LATER

The crew moves with surprising precision.

! CHAD pulls down the false rope.

! TIFF tosses the decoy bags.

! RITA kicks over a drawer.

! JULES sets the “exit smoke” timer — a vape rig inside a
Pringles can.

! MARA times it all with a stopwatch.


MARA
Move, move, move!

They reach the side alley exit — and freeze.

CARL is there, holding a plate of cold spaghetti.

CARL
Dinner?

---


INT. POLICE PERIMETER – SAME

CAULFIELD watches through binoculars as the bank flickers
briefly with smoke. A soft "POP" goes off. A trash can rolls
out of the side door.


OFFICER

Is that... part of it?


CAULFIELD

Either they’re prepping an escape... or hosting a deeply
confusing rave.

---
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a high-stakes bank vault heist, the crew executes their plan with precision, but their escape is hilariously interrupted by Carl, who offers them a plate of cold spaghetti. As Mara urges everyone to hurry, the absurdity of the situation creates a comedic tension, leaving the crew momentarily confused and amused.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Innovative heist plan execution
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion may be overwhelming for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and confusion to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that advances the plot while showcasing the characters' dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of misfits attempting a heist with comedic elements and unexpected twists is engaging and well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the crew executes their heist plan, introducing new challenges and dynamics that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the use of a vape rig as a timer and the unexpected appearance of Carl holding a plate of cold spaghetti. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities and relationships are well-developed in this scene, with each member of the crew contributing to the humor and tension of the situation.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience minor changes in their attitudes and relationships during the scene, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully execute the heist and escape without getting caught. This reflects their desire for excitement, adventure, and possibly financial gain.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the police and successfully escape with the stolen goods. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the crew's attempts to execute their heist plan amidst unexpected challenges and comedic moments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the crew facing the challenge of evading the police and escaping with the stolen goods. The audience is unsure of how the situation will resolve, adding to the suspense and excitement.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the crew attempts to execute a risky heist plan while navigating unexpected obstacles and the presence of law enforcement.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by advancing the heist plan, introducing new challenges, and deepening the characters' dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of Carl holding a plate of cold spaghetti and the crew's creative use of decoys and timers. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the crew's criminal activities and the law enforcement's duty to uphold justice. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from confusion to humor to tension, engaging the audience and creating a memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor, tension, and confusion of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and unexpected twists. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome, while the humor adds a layer of entertainment.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively, leading to a satisfying climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines, dialogue, and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and visual impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a twist, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic energy of the heist, showcasing the crew's surprising efficiency. However, the abrupt introduction of Carl with a plate of cold spaghetti feels jarring and undermines the tension built up to that moment. It shifts the tone from a serious heist to a comedic interlude too quickly, which may confuse the audience about the stakes.
  • The use of humor is a double-edged sword here. While it aligns with the overall comedic tone of the screenplay, the humor should not detract from the urgency of the heist. The juxtaposition of the crew's frantic actions with Carl's casual offering of spaghetti could be reworked to maintain the tension while still allowing for comedic relief.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but it could benefit from a few lines that reflect the crew's camaraderie or their thoughts on the absurdity of the situation. This would deepen character development and enhance the audience's connection to the crew.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the use of the vape rig in a Pringles can as an exit smoke device, which adds a layer of creativity and humor. However, the scene could be enhanced by more descriptive action lines that convey the crew's emotions and physicality as they execute their plan, making the scene more dynamic.
  • The transition between the bank and the police perimeter is effective, but the officer's line about the 'deeply confusing rave' could be more impactful if it included a reaction from Caulfield that reflects her frustration or disbelief, adding depth to her character and the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking Carl's entrance to maintain the tension of the heist. Perhaps he could appear more unexpectedly or in a way that adds to the chaos rather than diffusing it with humor.
  • Add a few lines of dialogue among the crew that reflect their camaraderie or the absurdity of their situation, which would enhance character development and provide a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Incorporate more descriptive action lines to convey the crew's physicality and emotions during the heist, making the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.
  • Enhance Caulfield's reaction to the situation by including a line that showcases her frustration or disbelief, which would add depth to her character and the overall tension of the scene.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing of the scene to allow for a smoother transition between the heist's urgency and the comedic elements, ensuring that the humor complements rather than distracts from the main action.



Scene 26 -  The Calm Before the Storm
INT. BANK LOBBY – NIGHT

The crew regroups. Breathing hard. Sweaty. No one speaks.


JULES

Honestly? Not terrible.


CHAD

That was the smoothest thing we’ve done all week.

RITA
We still look like idiots.


TIFF

Sure. But coordinated idiots.


They look to Mara.

MARA
We’re getting closer.

Suddenly—

" LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.)
MARA SLOAN — THIS IS YOUR LAST
CHANCE TO COME OUT PEACEFULLY.


TIFF

That sounded... less chill than before.


JULES

Yeah. They’ve entered their “final warning” phase.

Everyone looks at Mara again.

She exhales. Calm.

MARA
Then it’s time we finish this.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In the bank lobby after a successful heist, the crew shares a moment of relief despite their exhausted and disheveled appearance. Jules and Chad express satisfaction with their teamwork, while Rita critiques their looks, and Tiff acknowledges their coordination. The atmosphere shifts dramatically when a loudspeaker issues a final warning for Mara, prompting her to take decisive action. With a calm demeanor, Mara prepares to confront the impending danger, declaring it's time to finish what they started.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Humorous moments
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some lack of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and a sense of urgency, setting up a climactic moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the crew facing off against the authorities in a high-stakes situation is engaging and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with the crew facing a critical moment that will determine the outcome of their heist.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar heist scenario but adds originality through the characters' dialogue and the dynamic between the crew members. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and growth, particularly Mara's leadership and determination, as well as the dynamics within the crew.

Character Changes: 8

Mara shows a significant change in her resolve and leadership, setting the stage for the final confrontation.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to maintain her composure and lead the crew to successfully complete the heist. This reflects her desire for control and leadership in high-pressure situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the authorities and successfully escape with the stolen goods. This reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding detection and law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the crew and the authorities is escalating, adding intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing the threat of capture by the authorities.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the crew faces a final warning from the authorities, setting the stage for a dramatic conclusion.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, leading to the climax of the heist and the resolution of the conflict.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the loudspeaker and the characters' uncertain fate.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' criminal actions and the moral implications of their choices. This challenges Mara's beliefs about right and wrong in the context of their criminal activities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

While there is some emotional impact in the scene, particularly in Mara's determination, it is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, humor, and determination of the characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, sharp dialogue, and the characters' dynamic interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, building tension and setting up a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and exhaustion of the crew after their heist attempt, but it could benefit from more dynamic interactions among the characters. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and could be enhanced with more distinct voices for each character, reflecting their personalities and emotional states more vividly.
  • The use of the loudspeaker announcement serves as a strong plot device to escalate tension, but the transition from the crew's moment of relief to the impending threat feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a shared look among the crew before the announcement could heighten the impact of the warning.
  • While the dialogue is functional, it lacks a sense of urgency or humor that has characterized earlier scenes. Infusing the dialogue with more wit or banter could maintain the comedic tone of the script and keep the audience engaged.
  • The visual description of the crew being 'breathing hard' and 'sweaty' is effective in conveying their physical state, but it could be expanded to include more sensory details. For example, describing the sounds of their heavy breathing or the atmosphere of the bank lobby could enhance the scene's immersion.
  • The ending line, 'Then it’s time we finish this,' is a strong moment for Mara, but it could be made more impactful by adding a visual cue or action that emphasizes her determination. Perhaps she could take a step forward or make a decisive gesture that signals her leadership.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of shared tension among the crew before the loudspeaker announcement, allowing for a brief pause where they acknowledge their exhaustion and the gravity of the situation.
  • Enhance the dialogue with more character-specific humor or banter to maintain the comedic tone and showcase the dynamics within the group.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere, such as the sounds of the bank lobby or the feeling of the air around them, to draw the audience deeper into the scene.
  • Strengthen Mara's leadership moment at the end by including a physical action that underscores her resolve, making her declaration feel more powerful and visually engaging.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a brief flashback or memory that reflects on their past experiences, which could deepen the emotional stakes and provide context for their current predicament.



Scene 27 -  The Heist Countdown
INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

The crew stares at each other, still catching their breath
from the dry run.

Outside, the muffled hum of news vans, bullhorns, and an
impatient world.

MARA steps forward. Calm. Steady. In control.

MARA
We finish what we started.

She grabs a new set of wigs from the pile and tosses one to
each crew member.

MARA (CONT’D)
Tomorrow morning — we do it for
real.


JULES
(quietly)
This is actually happening, isn’t
it?

TIFF
It was happening the second we
walked through that door.

RITA
Or maybe the second we didn’t walk
back out.

Beat.

DEREK
I still don’t fully understand the
plan.

CHAD
Just follow me and don’t cry this
time.

Everyone heads to their corners, prepping gear, sketching
diagrams, running drills.

MARA watches them — this dysfunctional team she somehow
welded into something close to capable.

Her phone buzzes with an *unknown number*.

She answers.

CAULFIELD (V.O.)
Ms. Sloan, this is Negotiator Gina
Caulfield. No more messages. No
more stunts. We talk now.

Beat.

MARA
Then let’s talk.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In the bank lobby, Mara leads her crew in preparation for their upcoming heist, distributing wigs and addressing their mixed feelings of anxiety and determination. As they gear up for the risky endeavor, Mara receives a call from Negotiator Gina Caulfield, demanding a direct conversation, which heightens the tension and sets the stage for future negotiations. The scene captures the crew's transition from practice to reality, underscoring the urgency of their situation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Well-developed characters
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations could be further explored
  • Potential for more dynamic action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and determination, setting the stage for the upcoming heist. The dialogue is engaging, the characters are well-developed, and the conflict is palpable, making it an exciting and pivotal moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the crew preparing for a heist, facing internal conflicts, and dealing with external pressure from the negotiator is intriguing and well-developed. It adds depth to the storyline and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot in this scene is crucial as it sets the stage for the heist and introduces a new layer of conflict with the negotiator. It moves the story forward, builds tension, and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the heist genre with its focus on character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Mara showing leadership, the crew members displaying their quirks and skills, and the negotiator adding a new dynamic to the scene. Each character contributes to the overall narrative and conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in this scene, with Mara stepping up as a leader, the crew members facing their fears and doubts, and the negotiator introducing a new challenge. These changes drive the character arcs and plot progression.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to prove her leadership and capability to herself and her team. This reflects her deeper need for validation and control in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist they have been planning. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in carrying out a complex and risky operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is high, with internal tensions among the crew, external pressure from the negotiator, and the looming heist creating a sense of urgency and risk. The stakes are raised, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the heist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the crew preparing for a risky heist, facing internal conflicts, and dealing with external pressure from the negotiator. The outcome will have significant consequences, adding tension and urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the heist, introducing a new conflict with the negotiator, and deepening the characters' arcs. It paves the way for the next developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown outcome of the heist and the characters' conflicting motivations. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' moral boundaries and their willingness to commit a crime. It challenges Mara's values and worldview as she leads her team into a criminal act.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and humor to determination and conflict. The characters' struggles and decisions resonate with the audience, creating an emotional connection and investment in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of tension, humor, and determination. It reveals the characters' personalities, motivations, and conflicts, driving the scene forward and keeping the audience captivated.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The interactions between characters keep the audience invested in the outcome of the heist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, building tension and setting up the conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency of the moment, with Mara stepping into a leadership role and rallying her crew. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance individuality and deepen the audience's connection to each character.
  • The use of humor, particularly through Chad's line about not crying, adds levity to an otherwise tense situation. However, the humor should be balanced with the gravity of their actions to maintain the stakes. Consider integrating more serious undertones in the dialogue to reflect the weight of their decision to proceed with the heist.
  • The visual elements, such as the crew preparing gear and sketching diagrams, effectively convey the chaotic energy of the moment. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more specific actions or props that reflect each character's personality or skills, making their preparations feel more personalized and engaging.
  • Mara's calm demeanor contrasts well with the crew's anxiety, showcasing her leadership. However, it might be beneficial to include a moment of vulnerability or doubt from her to humanize her character further and create a more relatable protagonist.
  • The transition to the phone call with Caulfield is abrupt. A brief moment of hesitation or internal conflict from Mara before answering could heighten the tension and emphasize the stakes of the negotiation.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a unique line or action that reflects their personality during the preparation phase, enhancing their individuality and making the scene more dynamic.
  • Incorporate a moment of doubt or vulnerability from Mara to create a deeper emotional connection with the audience and make her character more relatable.
  • Add a brief pause or moment of tension before Mara answers the phone, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the decision to engage with Caulfield.
  • Explore the use of more specific props or actions during the preparation phase to visually represent each character's skills and contributions, making the scene more engaging.
  • Balance the humor with the seriousness of the situation by integrating more weighty dialogue that reflects the consequences of their actions, ensuring the stakes remain high.



Scene 28 -  Taking Control
INT. BANK BACK OFFICE – NIGHT

MARA holds the phone to her ear. The rest of the crew watches
her from a distance.


CAULFIELD (V.O.)
This is your last window, Mara. You
want to keep anyone in that
building breathing, now’s the time
to play ball.

MARA
You sound tired, Gina.

CAULFIELD (V.O.)
I sound patient. That’s not the
same thing.

Beat.

CAULFIELD (V.O.)
We know who you are. What happened
at that bank. You blew the whistle,
and they canned you. That wasn’t
right. But this?

MARA
This is mine now.

She hangs up.

TIFF
We good?

MARA
We’re better than good.

---


INT. BANK ROOFTOP – SAME

CARL sneaks past a vent, holding a poster board.

He props it up and points his phone at it. The message reads:


**“I’M INSIDE. I HAVE RECEIPTS.”**

He clicks “go live.”

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene set in a bank's back office, Mara speaks with Caulfield, who urges her to negotiate for the safety of those inside. Acknowledging her past as a whistleblower, Mara asserts her control over the situation and reassures her crew that they are in a stronger position. Meanwhile, Carl prepares to broadcast a message from the rooftop, hinting at evidence of wrongdoing. The scene culminates with Mara's confident declaration that they are better than good, just as Carl goes live with his message.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Humorous moments
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable elements
  • Lack of major character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and determination to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of misfits planning a fake robbery with unexpected twists and turns is engaging and keeps the audience intrigued.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses smoothly, with the negotiation between Mara and Caulfield adding tension, Carl's rooftop antics providing humor, and the crew's determination moving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the internal struggles and power dynamics within the crew. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Mara's leadership, Rita's skepticism, and Carl's comedic relief adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' attitudes and motivations, there isn't a significant transformation in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to assert her control and ownership over the situation. This reflects her deeper need for power and agency, as well as her fear of being manipulated or controlled by others.

External Goal: 7

Mara's external goal is to successfully execute the heist and maintain control over the crew and the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of completing the mission without any complications.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Mara and Caulfield, the escalating situation in the bank, and the internal struggles of the crew members create a high level of tension and engagement.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations among the characters creating obstacles and challenges for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the crew faces off against the police, with the potential for violence and the need to execute their plan flawlessly to succeed.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the final standoff between the crew and the authorities, leading to a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected twists in the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Mara must balance her loyalty to the crew with her own self-interest and desire for power. This challenges her beliefs about trust and betrayal.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, humor, and determination, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, with Mara and Caulfield's negotiation being a highlight, along with the crew's banter and interactions showcasing their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the tension and intrigue of the heist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively leading up to the climax of the heist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a visually engaging way.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, building tension and suspense leading up to the execution of the plan.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the phone call between Mara and Caulfield, highlighting the stakes of the situation. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional impact. For instance, Mara's response to Caulfield's warning feels somewhat flat; adding a layer of defiance or vulnerability could enhance her character's complexity.
  • The transition between the bank back office and the rooftop with Carl is abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the seriousness of Mara's situation with Carl's comedic antics, it may disrupt the flow of tension. A smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from Mara before cutting to Carl could help maintain the scene's momentum.
  • Mara's declaration, 'This is mine now,' is a strong line, but it could be more powerful if it were preceded by a moment of introspection or a specific reference to what 'this' entails. This would clarify her motivations and make her statement resonate more with the audience.
  • The crew's reactions to Mara's phone call are minimal. Expanding on their body language or dialogue could provide insight into their emotional state and enhance the camaraderie among them. This would also serve to heighten the stakes as they await Mara's decision.
  • Carl's scene on the rooftop introduces humor, but it may undermine the tension established in the previous scene. Balancing the comedic elements with the gravity of the situation is crucial to maintain the overall tone of the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to Mara's dialogue during the phone call to convey her emotional state and the weight of her decisions. This could involve her reflecting on her past experiences or expressing her determination more vividly.
  • Introduce a brief moment of reflection for Mara after the call before transitioning to Carl. This could involve her looking out a window or taking a deep breath, reinforcing the tension and her resolve.
  • Clarify what Mara means by 'This is mine now' by incorporating a line that references her goals or the stakes involved. This will help the audience understand her motivations and the significance of her statement.
  • Enhance the crew's reactions to Mara's call by including more dialogue or physical reactions that showcase their anxiety or support for her. This will strengthen their bond and emphasize the stakes of the situation.
  • Evaluate the placement of Carl's comedic moment to ensure it complements rather than detracts from the tension. Consider using a more subtle approach to his humor or delaying his scene until after a more intense moment to maintain the overall tone.



Scene 29 -  Countdown to the Heist
INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – MOMENTS LATER

The stream hits the screens.


CARL (ON SCREEN)
Hi everyone. Carl here. I’ve worked
in that building 22 years and I got
things to say. Like how the *real*
vault was supposed to be
decommissioned, but I heard
rumors...

Caulfield freezes the feed.

CAULFIELD
(turns to Duncan)
Shut down every social channel he’s
ever used. And for God’s sake,
someone go up there and get him off
the f***ing roof.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

The crew is mid-meeting. Everyone’s on edge.

RITA
We’re running out of time. You saw
the pressure outside.

CHAD
Let’s just take what we can and
run. Smoke bombs, wigs, whatever.
Screw the plan.

JULES
And end up on every news feed for
the next six months? No thanks.

TIFF
We committed. That means we commit.

JULES
Easy for you to say. You’re not the
one getting DMs from your aunt
begging you to surrender.

RITA
(to Mara)
We’re not all made to lead. Some of
us are better in the getaway car.

MARA
Then go.

Silence.


MARA (CONT’D)
Anyone who’s not in — go now. No
hard feelings.

No one moves.

MARA (CONT’D)
Then get your masks. We finish this
at dawn.

---


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – SAME

CAULFIELD watches a drone feed.

The bank lights flicker on. Movement inside.

OFFICER
They’re prepping something. Looks
organized.

CAULFIELD
Then we break their rhythm. Tell
the team to breach at 6:15 a.m.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – 5:30 A.M.

TIFF checks the vault. JULES loads decoy bags. CHAD wraps a
fake chain around the side door.

MARA, alone, puts on her original bank uniform blouse over
her black clothes. The name tag glints.

CARL wanders in, eating trail mix.

CARL
If I make it out alive, I’m
starting a podcast.

MARA
Don’t you already have a channel?

CARL
I said a *podcast*.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense pre-dawn scene, bank employee Carl goes live on social media, hinting at the vault's potential decommissioning, prompting police officer Caulfield to shut down his feed. Meanwhile, in the bank lobby, the crew debates their heist plan, with Rita urging caution, Chad suggesting they abandon the mission, and Jules advocating for sticking to their original strategy. Mara, the crew leader, challenges their commitment and ultimately rallies them to prepare for the heist. As Caulfield monitors the situation from a police unit, the crew gears up, with Carl humorously discussing his podcast plans, setting the stage for the impending heist.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Humor
  • Clear direction
Weaknesses
  • Some characters could be further developed
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and showcases the crew's determination and conflict. The mix of humor and seriousness adds depth to the narrative, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the crew preparing for a heist under pressure while dealing with internal conflicts and external threats is well-executed. The scene effectively sets up the climax of the story.

Plot: 8.7

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by setting up the final confrontation between the crew and the police. The conflicts and stakes are well-established, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics within a familiar heist genre, with nuanced character interactions and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with each displaying unique traits and motivations. Mara's leadership, Carl's humor, and the crew's camaraderie add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Mara undergoes a significant change in the scene, asserting her leadership and making tough decisions. The other characters also show growth in their resolve and commitment to the heist.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to maintain leadership and control over the crew, despite facing doubts and pressure from within. This reflects her need for validation, authority, and the fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist and evade capture by law enforcement. This reflects the immediate challenge of completing the robbery without getting caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.6

The conflict in the scene is high, both internally within the crew and externally with the police. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal conflicts among the crew members and external pressure from law enforcement. The audience is unsure of how the heist will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the crew facing pressure from the police, internal conflicts, and the risk of failure. The outcome of the heist will have significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the final confrontation and escalating the conflict. It builds anticipation for the resolution of the heist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting loyalties and conflicting motivations of the characters. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the crew members' differing values and approaches to the heist. Some prioritize success at any cost, while others value loyalty and commitment to the plan.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.4

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with the audience feeling the tension, determination, and conflict of the characters. The stakes are raised, adding to the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue is sharp and reflects the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively. It adds to the tension and humor of the scene, enhancing the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, high stakes, and character conflicts. The dialogue and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character moments. The rhythm contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with clear progression of events, tension-building moments, and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the urgency of the crew's situation with Carl's casual demeanor on the roof. This contrast highlights the absurdity of the situation, which is a strong comedic element. However, the transition between the police mobile unit and the bank lobby could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Mara's leadership is well-established in this scene, particularly with her ultimatum to the crew. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional stakes. While the crew expresses anxiety, their responses feel somewhat generic. Adding more personal stakes or backstory could deepen the audience's connection to their motivations.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks distinct character voices. Each character's lines could be more tailored to their personalities, making them more memorable and engaging. For instance, Chad's suggestion to abandon the plan could be more humorous or desperate, reflecting his character's traits.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, but the introduction of Carl feels abrupt. His casual entrance with trail mix contrasts sharply with the high-stakes atmosphere, which could either be played for more humor or integrated more seamlessly into the tension of the moment.
  • The visual elements, such as the flickering bank lights and the drone feed, are effective in creating a sense of urgency. However, the scene could benefit from more specific visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describing the expressions on the crew's faces or the physicality of their movements could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more unique dialogue that reflects each character's personality, making their voices distinct and memorable.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by incorporating personal motivations or fears for each character, which could lead to more impactful dialogue and decisions.
  • Smooth the transition between the police mobile unit and the bank lobby by using a visual or auditory cue that connects the two locations, maintaining the scene's momentum.
  • Explore the comedic potential of Carl's character further. Perhaps he could have a more absurd or humorous line that contrasts with the tension, enhancing the comedic relief.
  • Add more specific visual details to the scene, such as the crew's physical reactions to the pressure or the atmosphere in the bank lobby, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 30 -  Tension Before the Heist
INT. BANK BATHROOM – SAME

JULES stares in the mirror. Breathing fast. Mascara slightly
smeared.

She pulls out her phone. Opens her messaging app. Types:

**“Maybe I can get out before it all goes down.”**

Hovers over SEND.

Then deletes it.

She stares at herself — terrified… but staying.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – 6:10 A.M.

The crew gathers. Everyone geared up. Duct tape. Bags.
Misdirection tools. Flashlights.

TIFF
Moment of truth.

RITA
We go loud?

MARA
We go smart.

She lifts her walkie. Taps the button.

MARA (INTO RADIO) (CONT’D)
Gina. You still there?


INT. POLICE MOBILE UNIT – SAME

CAULFIELD snaps to attention.

CAULFIELD
Copy.

MARA (V.O.)
We’re walking out at 6:30. One
hostage, one negotiator, no
surprises.

CAULFIELD
And the others?

Beat.


MARA (V.O.)
You’ll see.

CAULFIELD
If anyone gets hurt...

MARA (V.O.)
Then we all lose.

Silence.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a bank bathroom, Jules grapples with anxiety about participating in a heist, ultimately deciding against sending a message to leave. Meanwhile, in the lobby, the crew discusses their heist strategy, with Tiff advocating for a loud approach while Mara pushes for a more calculated plan. As Mara communicates with Caulfield in a police unit, the stakes rise with hints of surprises for the police. The scene captures Jules's internal conflict against the crew's determined preparations, ending in a tense silence after Mara warns Caulfield about potential violence.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the impending heist and the tension building up among the characters. The dialogue is sharp and drives the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the final preparations for a high-stakes heist, with a focus on communication, tension, and resolve. The concept is well-executed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial as it sets the stage for the climax of the heist. The tension and stakes are high, and the scene effectively advances the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar heist scenario but adds depth through the internal struggles of the characters and the moral dilemmas they face. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with each member of the crew showcasing their unique personalities and motivations. The interactions between the characters add depth to the scene and set up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and tensions among the crew members hint at potential growth and development as the heist unfolds.

Internal Goal: 8

Jules' internal goal is to overcome her fear and stay committed to the heist despite her terror. This reflects her deeper need for courage and determination in the face of danger.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist with minimal casualties and no surprises. This reflects the immediate challenge of coordinating a complex criminal operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with fear, uncertainty, and the pressure of the impending heist. The tension is high, setting the stage for potential external conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints among the characters and the looming threat of law enforcement intervention.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the crew prepares for a dangerous heist with the potential for serious consequences. The tension and pressure are palpable, adding to the sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the final stages of the heist and establishing the stakes for the characters. It builds anticipation for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, the potential for violence, and the unknown outcomes of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of criminal actions and the potential consequences of violence. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the justifiability of their criminal behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with fear, determination, and resolve being the dominant emotions. The audience is likely to feel invested in the outcome of the heist.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, tense, and drives the plot forward. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, well-developed characters, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is drawn into the tension and uncertainty of the heist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the conventions of a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, clear character motivations, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Jules' internal conflict in the bathroom with the crew's preparation in the bank lobby. This contrast highlights the stakes of the heist and emphasizes Jules' fear and uncertainty, which is a strong emotional anchor for the audience.
  • Jules' moment of hesitation, where she considers sending a message to escape, adds depth to her character and showcases her vulnerability. However, the scene could benefit from more visual or auditory cues to enhance the emotional weight of her decision, such as a close-up on her trembling hands or the sound of her heartbeat.
  • The dialogue in the bank lobby is functional but lacks a sense of urgency or excitement that could elevate the tension. Phrases like 'Moment of truth' and 'We go smart' feel somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more original lines that reflect the characters' personalities and the gravity of the situation.
  • Mara's leadership is established, but her dialogue could be more assertive or charismatic to reinforce her role as the group's leader. The line 'Then we all lose' is impactful, but it could be strengthened by adding a more personal stake or emotional resonance, perhaps referencing their shared history or the consequences of failure.
  • The scene transitions between Jules and the crew smoothly, but the pacing could be adjusted to create a more dramatic buildup. For instance, extending the moment of Jules' internal struggle before cutting to the crew could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in her decision.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to Jules' bathroom scene, such as the sound of her breathing or the reflection of her fear in the mirror, to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Revise the dialogue in the bank lobby to include more unique expressions that reflect the characters' personalities and the high stakes of the heist, making it feel less generic.
  • Strengthen Mara's leadership presence by giving her a more commanding line that encapsulates the gravity of their situation, perhaps referencing their past experiences or the risks involved.
  • Extend the moment of tension in the bathroom by incorporating a visual cue, like a close-up of Jules' phone screen, to emphasize her internal conflict before she ultimately decides to stay.
  • Consider using a more dynamic transition between Jules' internal struggle and the crew's preparation to create a heightened sense of urgency, perhaps by cutting back to Jules as the crew's actions escalate.



Scene 31 -  Chaos Unleashed
INT. BANK – 6:14 A.M.

Everything is quiet.

Then — BANG!

The back wall of the bank EXPLODES INWARD — tear gas
canisters roll in.

MARA
Go! Plan Delta!

Chaos erupts. Smoke. Flashlights. Screams. Carl running in
the wrong direction.

JULES grabs the cash. TIFF drags Derek. RITA shoulders a
duffel. CHAD screams for Carl.

The “smart” exit — *blown to hell*.

They are now improvising everything.

FADE OUT.


INT. BANK LOBBY – 6:15 A.M.

Tear gas clouds the air. The vault door slams shut. The crew
stumbles blindly through smoke and noise.

VOICES shout over radios. BOOTS stomp outside.

TIFF grabs DEREK by the collar.

TIFF
Left! Go left!

CHAD
Carl?! Where’s Carl?!


RITA yanks open a side utility closet and pulls JULES inside
just as flashlights sweep past.

---


INT. UTILITY CLOSET – CONTINUOUS

RITA and JULES crouch in silence. Breathing hard.

JULES
(whispering)
We weren’t ready.

RITA
We never were.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a bank at 6:14 A.M., an explosion disrupts a heist, releasing tear gas and plunging the environment into chaos. Mara leads the group to execute 'Plan Delta' as panic ensues. Jules grabs cash while Tiff drags Derek, and Rita shoulders a duffel bag. Chad frantically searches for Carl, who is lost in the turmoil. The crew struggles to adapt as their escape route is blocked, leading to disorientation in the lobby. Tiff directs Derek to safety, while Rita pulls Jules into a utility closet to hide, where they confront their unpreparedness amidst the chaos.
Strengths
  • Tension
  • Urgency
  • Character Dynamics
  • Action Sequences
Weaknesses
  • Lack of Clarity in Some Actions
  • Limited Character Development in Certain Moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys tension, urgency, and chaos, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events. The high stakes and unexpected turn of events add depth to the narrative, making it a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a heist gone wrong is executed well, with the unexpected obstacles and challenges faced by the crew adding depth to the storyline. The scene effectively conveys the risks and uncertainties involved in a high-stakes robbery.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the crew's attempt to execute a heist under difficult circumstances, showcasing their resilience and determination in the face of adversity. The unexpected turn of events adds intrigue and suspense to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the heist genre with its focus on character dynamics, moral dilemmas, and unexpected obstacles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions during the heist highlight their individual strengths and weaknesses, adding depth to their personalities. The scene allows for character development and showcases their ability to adapt to challenging situations.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo changes in their approach and mindset as they adapt to the unexpected challenges during the heist. Their reactions and decisions reflect their growth and development throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the chaos of the heist and survive. This reflects their fear of failure and desire to come out of the situation unscathed.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the bank with the stolen cash and their crew members. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing during the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the crew facing multiple challenges and obstacles that threaten the success of their heist. The tension between characters and the external threats create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles, challenges, and unexpected events that create suspense and uncertainty about the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the crew must navigate a dangerous situation with limited time and resources. The risk of failure and the potential consequences of their actions add tension and suspense to the heist.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and complications that drive the narrative towards a resolution. The heist gone wrong adds complexity to the plot and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles, character choices, and shifting dynamics that keep the audience guessing about the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' criminal actions and their moral values. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values as they navigate the heist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, as the audience is invested in the crew's struggle to overcome obstacles and complete the heist. The sense of danger and uncertainty evokes feelings of tension and suspense.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation, with characters communicating through short, impactful lines that drive the action forward. The dialogue enhances the sense of chaos and unpredictability in the heist.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and character dynamics that keep the reader on the edge of their seat.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the action, and maintaining a sense of urgency that propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings, concise action lines, and impactful dialogue that drive the narrative forward.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a climax of chaos, and a resolution that leaves the characters in a precarious situation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaos and urgency of the moment with the explosion and the immediate reaction of the characters. However, the transition from the calm before the explosion to the chaos could be more pronounced to heighten the tension. Consider adding a brief moment of foreshadowing or a character's internal thought that hints at the impending chaos.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a chaotic scene, but it could benefit from more character-specific reactions to the explosion. For instance, how does each character feel about the sudden turn of events? Adding a line or two that reflects their personalities or fears could deepen the audience's connection to them.
  • The use of the phrase 'Plan Delta' is intriguing, but it might leave the audience confused if they are not familiar with what 'Plan Delta' entails. A quick line or visual cue that hints at what this plan involves could clarify the stakes and the urgency of the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene is fast, which is appropriate for the chaos, but it may feel rushed to the audience. Consider allowing a moment for the characters to react to the explosion before diving into the chaos. This could enhance the emotional impact of the moment.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of tear gas and chaos. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. For example, describing the acrid smell of the tear gas or the disorienting effects it has on the characters could enhance the atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of foreshadowing before the explosion to build tension, such as a character expressing doubt or fear about the plan.
  • Incorporate more character-specific dialogue or reactions to the chaos to deepen the audience's connection to the characters and their individual stakes in the situation.
  • Provide a quick line or visual cue that clarifies what 'Plan Delta' entails, ensuring the audience understands the stakes involved.
  • Allow for a moment of reaction after the explosion before diving into the chaos to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Include more sensory details to immerse the audience in the chaos, such as the smell of the tear gas or the disorienting effects it has on the characters.



Scene 32 -  Barricaded and Misplaced
INT. BACK OFFICE – SAME

MARA slams a metal chair against the door — wedging it shut.
Her phone buzzes — unknown number.

She answers, gasping.

MARA
What?

CAULFIELD (V.O.)
You just made the worst mistake of
your life.

MARA
Then get in line.

---


INT. VAULT ROOM – SAME

CHAD crawls inside, coughing. Finds the duffel bag... and
Carl’s *fanny pack*, but no Carl.

CHAD
Carl?!

Beat.

CARL (O.S.)
(over comms)
I appear to have breached myself.


CHAD
What?

CARL (O.S.)
I followed the wrong group and now
I’m in the SWAT van. The vibes are
weird.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense moment, Mara barricades herself in a back office, receiving a warning call from Caulfield about a grave mistake she's made. Meanwhile, Chad crawls into the vault room, searching for Carl, only to discover a duffel bag and Carl's fanny pack, but no sign of him. Carl, unaware of the chaos, reveals over the comms that he has mistakenly followed the wrong group and is now in a SWAT van, adding a touch of dark humor to the precarious situation. The scene ends with both characters in uncertain and dangerous circumstances.
Strengths
  • Blend of tension and humor
  • Unexpected twists
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion
  • Minor inconsistencies in character actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and chaos to create an engaging and dynamic sequence that keeps the audience on edge. The unexpected developments and character interactions add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a bank heist gone awry with unexpected developments and character interactions, is engaging and well-executed. The blend of tension, humor, and chaos adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with the unexpected explosion and the characters' reactions driving the narrative forward. The twists and turns keep the audience engaged and eager to see how the situation will unfold.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the unexpected phone call and the comical situation with Carl breaching himself. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions. The interactions between the characters add depth to the narrative and create engaging dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience minor changes in their attitudes and behaviors as a result of the unexpected events in the scene. These changes add depth to their personalities and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in a high-stakes situation. This reflects her need for self-preservation and her fear of losing control in a dangerous environment.

External Goal: 7

Mara's external goal is to protect herself and possibly escape from the threatening situation she finds herself in. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and evading potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the unexpected explosion and the characters' reactions creating tension and chaos. The conflicting motivations and actions of the characters drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing unexpected challenges and obstacles that test their resolve. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these hurdles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing a dangerous and chaotic situation that could have serious consequences. The unexpected developments and conflicting motivations raise the tension and keep the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, with the unexpected explosion and the characters' reactions leading to new developments and conflicts. The narrative progresses at a steady pace, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected phone call, Carl's comical situation, and the overall sense of danger and suspense. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate their challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' choices in a morally ambiguous situation. Mara's defiance and Chad's confusion highlight the clash between personal values and external pressures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension, humor, and confusion eliciting a range of emotions from the audience. The characters' reactions and interactions add depth to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension, humor, and chaos of the situation. The characters' interactions and exchanges add depth to their personalities and drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intriguing dialogue, and unexpected twists. The characters' predicaments draw the audience in and create a sense of anticipation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, with clear scene headings and concise action lines. The dialogue is properly formatted and enhances the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' dilemmas.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency of the moment, particularly through Mara's actions of barricading the door and her immediate response to the unknown caller. This sets a strong tone for the conflict that is about to unfold.
  • Mara's dialogue with Caulfield is sharp and defiant, showcasing her character's growth and determination. However, the line 'Then get in line' feels slightly clichéd and could benefit from a more unique expression of her defiance.
  • The transition to the vault room with Chad is a bit abrupt. While it serves to show the chaos of the situation, it might be more effective to create a smoother transition that connects the two scenes thematically or visually, perhaps by showing the chaos from Mara's perspective before cutting to Chad.
  • Carl's humorous line about being in the SWAT van adds a comedic element that contrasts well with the tension of the previous dialogue. However, it might be beneficial to establish a clearer sense of urgency in his situation to maintain the scene's overall tension.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the beat after Chad calls for Carl could be expanded to build suspense. A moment of silence or a brief internal monologue from Chad could heighten the tension before Carl's response.
Suggestions
  • Consider rephrasing Mara's response to Caulfield to make it more original and reflective of her character's unique voice. This could enhance her defiance and make the dialogue more memorable.
  • Add a brief moment of chaos or sound effects during the transition to the vault room to emphasize the ongoing turmoil and maintain the scene's tension.
  • Expand the beat after Chad calls for Carl to build suspense. This could involve Chad's internal thoughts or a visual cue that highlights the danger of the situation.
  • Ensure that Carl's humorous line about the SWAT van is balanced with a sense of urgency. Perhaps he could express confusion or concern about being in the wrong place, which would keep the stakes high.
  • Consider incorporating more visual elements that reflect the chaos of the situation, such as sounds of distant shouting or the sight of flashing lights, to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience further.



Scene 33 -  Chaos and Determination
INT. POLICE SWAT VAN – SAME

CARL sits among armored officers. They look at him. He holds
up his hands.

CARL
I brought snacks.

OFFICER
...Who *are* you?

---


INT. BANK HALLWAY – SAME

TIFF and DEREK kick open a basement stairwell.

TIFF
Down!

They race inside. Behind them, SHOUTS and LIGHTS.

DEREK
Are we winning?

TIFF
Absolutely not.

---


INT. BANK – MECHANICAL ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

JULES and RITA crawl through cables and vents. JULES drags
the decoy bag.

RITA
We ditch it.

JULES
No. We finish.


RITA
We survive.

JULES
They’re the same thing.

They lock eyes. RITA hands over a flashlight.

RITA
Then lead.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense moment, Carl lightens the mood in a SWAT van by offering snacks to confused officers, while Tiff and Derek urgently flee through a bank's basement, realizing their dire situation. Meanwhile, Jules and Rita navigate a mechanical room, debating whether to abandon their mission or press on, ultimately choosing to continue despite the risks. The scene captures the contrasting priorities of humor, urgency, and determination as each group faces their challenges.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion for characters
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends tension, chaos, and humor to create an engaging and dynamic sequence that keeps the audience on edge. The characters' reactions and decisions add depth to the unfolding situation, making it both entertaining and suspenseful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heist gone wrong is executed well in this scene, with the introduction of unexpected obstacles adding depth and complexity to the story. The blend of tension, chaos, and humor makes the scene engaging and memorable.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is driven by the unexpected explosion and ensuing chaos, forcing the characters to adapt and improvise. The stakes are raised as the crew faces new challenges, moving the story forward in an exciting and unpredictable way.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to the heist genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique, adding depth to the familiar setting of a bank robbery. The writer's voice shines through in the sharp dialogue and visual storytelling.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are well-developed, showcasing their individual personalities and strengths. The dialogue and actions of each character contribute to the overall tension and humor of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions and decisions showcase their strengths, weaknesses, and relationships, adding depth to their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival and completion of the heist. This reflects their deeper need for security and success, as well as their fear of failure and capture.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully navigate the bank's security systems and escape with the loot. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of evading law enforcement and completing the heist without getting caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the crew facing unexpected challenges and obstacles that test their abilities and teamwork. The chaos and tension create a sense of urgency and danger, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in this scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that threaten their success in the heist. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the crew faces unexpected obstacles and challenges that threaten their heist and safety. The chaos and tension create a sense of urgency and danger, raising the stakes for the characters and the audience.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new obstacles and challenges that force the characters to adapt and improvise. The unexpected events raise the stakes and set the stage for the next phase of the heist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting goals and the uncertain outcome of the heist. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' risky decisions and the evolving challenges they face.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between JULES and RITA about survival versus completion. JULES believes that finishing the heist is the same as surviving, while RITA sees them as separate goals. This challenges their beliefs about risk-taking and the value of success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension, humor, and determination resonating with the audience. The characters' reactions and decisions evoke a range of emotions, keeping viewers engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships, adding depth to the unfolding events. The mix of humor and tension in the dialogue enhances the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high-stakes conflict. The characters' motivations and goals are clear, creating tension and suspense for the reader. The scene keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the heist.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The rhythm of the action sequences and dialogue keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome of the heist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The visual storytelling is effective in immersing the reader in the heist's high-stakes environment.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, action sequences, and character dynamics. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the chaos of the bank heist with Carl's comedic presence in the SWAT van, which adds a layer of humor to an otherwise tense situation. However, the transition between the two locations could be smoother to maintain the pacing and flow of the narrative.
  • Carl's line about bringing snacks is a humorous touch that showcases his character's nonchalance amidst the chaos. However, it might benefit from a bit more context or a follow-up line to enhance the comedic effect and clarify his role in the situation.
  • The dialogue between Tiff and Derek is straightforward but lacks depth. While it conveys urgency, it could be enriched with more emotional stakes or character dynamics to heighten the tension and engage the audience further.
  • The exchange between Jules and Rita is a strong moment that highlights their differing priorities, but it could be more impactful if it included a brief flashback or a line that references their previous discussions about survival versus mission completion. This would deepen their character arcs and the stakes of their current predicament.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the transitions between the SWAT van, the bank hallway, and the mechanical room could be tightened to enhance the urgency. Consider using quick cuts or overlapping dialogue to create a more frantic atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two from Carl that reflects his confusion or fear about being in the SWAT van, which would enhance the humor and provide insight into his character's mindset.
  • Incorporate a moment of hesitation or doubt from Tiff or Derek as they enter the basement stairwell, which could add tension and highlight the gravity of their situation.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jules and Rita by including a line that references their past experiences or motivations, which would provide context for their current conflict and deepen their character development.
  • Experiment with the pacing by using shorter sentences or rapid-fire dialogue during the chaotic moments to create a sense of urgency and heighten the tension.
  • Consider adding a visual element, such as a close-up of Carl's snacks or the chaos outside the SWAT van, to create a more vivid contrast between the humor of Carl's situation and the seriousness of the heist.



Scene 34 -  Chaos in the Smoke
INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

MARA bursts through smoke. Coughing. Alone.

She’s lost sight of everyone.

She ducks behind the teller counter — just as a LASER SIGHT
sweeps overhead.

A RED DOT lands on her chest — then hesitates.

Caulfield (V.O., filtered)

Sloan, this is your last out.

MARA
I’m not walking out alone.

---


INT. SWAT VAN – SAME

CARL reaches into his fanny pack.

CARL
You boys ever see a smoke bomb made
from a diabetic foot warmer and
powdered lemonade?

OFFICER
...What?

Carl drops it.

A *LOUD FIZZ* and SUDDEN HISS.

Officers scream. Carl dives out the back.

---


EXT. BANK PERIMETER – CONTINUOUS

SWAT doors fly open. Carl stumbles out — hair smoking, eyes
watering.

Reporters swarm.

CARL
(toward camera)
If I die, tell Sheila the lasagna
was mid!

He disappears into the crowd.

---


INT. BANK BASEMENT – SAME

TIFF and DEREK find a maintenance exit — chained shut.

TIFF grabs a crowbar and wedges it between the links.

DEREK
What if this is a trap?

TIFF
Then we go down fighting.

She rips the chain loose.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – MINUTES LATER

MARA crawls to the whiteboard. It’s barely readable now. Only
one phrase remains:

**PLAN DELTA.**
She erases it — then writes:


**PLAN E: SURVIVE.**

---


INT. POLICE TENT – SAME

CAULFIELD watches drone footage of the bank’s heat signature.

OFFICER
Still four inside.


CAULFIELD
Then we wait. Or they run. Either
way, we end this today.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a smoke-filled bank lobby, MARA hides from a laser sight while determined to survive with her team. Outside, CARL humorously creates chaos in a SWAT van with a smoke bomb before escaping into a crowd. In the basement, TIFF bravely breaks a chain to find an exit, despite DEREK's concerns about a trap. Meanwhile, CAULFIELD monitors the situation, waiting for the remaining individuals inside to emerge. The scene is a mix of tension and humor as the characters navigate the dangerous standoff.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Dynamic plot progression
  • Strong character interactions
  • High level of conflict and stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of chaos may be overwhelming for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and urgency to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The unexpected twists and character dynamics add depth to the story, making it an exciting and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the crew's survival and adaptation to unexpected challenges, is engaging and well-developed. The introduction of new obstacles and the characters' responses add depth to the overall story, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is dynamic and engaging, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The progression of events, from the initial chaos to the crew's determination to survive, is well-crafted and contributes to the overall tension of the screenplay.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the unconventional smoke bomb and the protagonist's decision to erase and rewrite a survival plan. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their interactions reveal their strengths, weaknesses, and motivations. The dialogue and actions of each character contribute to the overall narrative, showcasing their individual personalities and roles within the crew.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, adapting to new challenges and revealing different aspects of their personalities. The crew members must confront their fears, make tough decisions, and work together to overcome obstacles, leading to growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to not leave the bank alone, indicating her desire for companionship, support, and a sense of unity in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the heist and escape the bank unharmed, reflecting the immediate circumstances of the dangerous situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the crew facing multiple obstacles and threats that challenge their survival. The tension and urgency created by these conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged in the outcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and conflicting goals that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the crew faces life-threatening situations, unexpected obstacles, and the looming threat of capture. The decisions they make in this moment will have a significant impact on their survival and the outcome of the heist, raising the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, obstacles, and character dynamics that propel the narrative towards its climax. The crew's actions and decisions in this scene have a direct impact on the overall plot, making it a crucial moment in the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character choices, and escalating tension that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to risk their lives for survival and the value they place on their own safety versus the safety of others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, as the characters face life-threatening situations and must make difficult decisions to survive. The audience is likely to feel anxious, conflicted, and determined alongside the crew, enhancing their engagement with the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is effective in conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. The exchanges between the crew members, as well as with external forces like Caulfield, add depth to the scene and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The characters' decisions and interactions keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, creating suspense, and maintaining the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes heist scenario, with multiple subplots converging towards a climactic resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Mara in a chaotic environment filled with smoke and uncertainty. The use of the laser sight adds a visual and dramatic element that heightens the stakes, making the audience feel her vulnerability.
  • Carl's comedic relief in the SWAT van contrasts well with the tension in the bank lobby, providing a moment of levity amidst the chaos. However, the humor may feel slightly out of place given the high-stakes situation, which could disrupt the overall tone.
  • Mara's determination to not leave alone is a strong character moment that reinforces her leadership and commitment to her friends. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included a specific reason for her refusal to leave, which would deepen her character's motivations.
  • The transition between the bank lobby and the SWAT van is smooth, but the pacing could be improved. The scene shifts quickly from intense action to humor, which may confuse the audience about the emotional stakes. A more gradual transition could enhance the flow.
  • The introduction of 'PLAN E: SURVIVE' is a clever way to show Mara's adaptability and quick thinking. However, it might benefit from a brief moment of reflection or internal conflict to emphasize the weight of this decision, making it more poignant.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of internal dialogue or a brief flashback for Mara that highlights her emotional stakes in this moment, reinforcing her determination to save her friends.
  • To maintain the tension, you could tone down the humor in Carl's scene or find a way to integrate it more seamlessly with the overall tone of the bank heist, perhaps by having him react more seriously to the chaos around him.
  • Enhance the visual description of the smoke-filled lobby to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Consider using sensory details that evoke the disorientation and fear Mara feels.
  • Explore the possibility of extending the moment where Mara writes 'PLAN E: SURVIVE' to allow for a more dramatic pause, emphasizing the gravity of the situation and her resolve.
  • Ensure that the pacing between the intense moments and comedic relief is balanced, perhaps by interspersing more tension-building dialogue or actions that keep the audience engaged in the stakes of the heist.



Scene 35 -  The Choice to Fight
INT. BANK BASEMENT HALL – SAME

JULES, TIFF, RITA, DEREK, and CHAD finally regroup.

Exhausted. Shaken. Half coughing, half laughing.

JULES
Where’s Mara?

RITA
She’s not here?

Everyone freezes.

Then—

MARA (O.S.)
(over walkie)
Don’t wait for me.

They all grab their radios.

JULES
No. No way. You don’t get to do the
noble sacrifice thing.

MARA (V.O.)
This is the only shot. You get out.
I’ll draw them back.

TIFF
Mara. Don’t.

Silence.

RITA
(to the group)
Then we go get her.

FADE OUT.


INT. BANK BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

The crew stands in stunned silence, still catching their
breath.


JULES
We’re not leaving her.

RITA
Then let’s move before they seal
the place off.

CHAD
This is actual suicide.

TIFF
You wanted to be part of something?
This is it.

CHAD exhales, nods. DEREK whimpers but follows.

---


INT. BANK HALLWAY – SAME

MARA moves low, weaving between offices. Red dots flicker on
the walls. She's running out of space, out of time.

She ducks into the breakroom. Grabs a fire extinguisher and
yanks the pin.

---


EXT. SIDE EXIT – CONTINUOUS

The crew exits through a side stairwell into the alley.

JULES
We sneak in through the mail chute.
It leads behind the lobby.

CHAD
How do you know that?

JULES
I used to make out with a teller
there.

---


INT. POLICE PERIMETER – SAME

CAULFIELD reviews thermal imaging.

OFFICER
Movement near the west stairwell.


CAULFIELD
One signature or multiple?

OFFICER
Hard to tell. Could be a regroup.

She grabs her vest.

CAULFIELD
We’re going in.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense bank basement, Jules, Tiff, Rita, Derek, and Chad regroup after realizing Mara is missing. Hearing her voice over the walkie-talkie, they learn she plans to distract their pursuers to ensure their escape. Despite initial hesitation, Jules insists they won't abandon her, and the group decides to return for her. As they plan their escape through a mail chute, Mara stealthily prepares to defend herself with a fire extinguisher. Outside, Caulfield and her team monitor the situation, ready to act based on thermal imaging. The scene ends with the group determined to rescue Mara.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character actions or decisions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is intense, well-paced, and filled with suspense, effectively building tension and showcasing the characters' bravery and unity in the face of danger.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a group of individuals facing a life-threatening situation and making tough decisions to save each other is compelling and well-executed. The idea of sacrifice, teamwork, and loyalty is effectively portrayed.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is gripping, with the scene moving the story forward significantly by putting the characters in a dire situation and forcing them to make critical choices. The conflict is intense, and the stakes are high, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by emphasizing moral choices and character relationships over traditional action sequences. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9.1

The characters are well-developed, each showing their strengths, weaknesses, and unique personalities in the face of danger. Their interactions and decisions reveal their depth and growth throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, showing growth, bravery, and unity in the face of danger. Their decisions and actions reflect their development and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect their friend Mara and ensure her safety, reflecting their deeper need for loyalty and camaraderie.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to rescue Mara from danger and escape the bank before it's sealed off by law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing imminent danger, making tough decisions, and dealing with unexpected obstacles. The tension and urgency drive the conflict to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and conflicting priorities. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters facing life-threatening danger, making critical choices, and risking everything to save each other. The sense of urgency and peril adds to the intensity of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward effectively by escalating the conflict, revealing character dynamics, and setting up a critical moment of decision and action. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of their actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between self-preservation and sacrifice for the greater good. The characters must decide whether to prioritize their own safety or risk everything to save Mara.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking fear, hope, determination, and confusion in the characters and the audience. The stakes are high, and the sense of danger is palpable, creating a strong emotional connection.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is tense, realistic, and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. It adds to the overall tension and urgency of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and fast-paced action. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and eager to see how they will overcome obstacles.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining momentum. The rapid-fire dialogue and action sequences keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear stakes, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing the characters' emotional stakes and their commitment to each other, particularly through Mara's selfless decision. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance individuality and make their reactions feel more authentic.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the emotional weight of Mara's sacrifice to the crew's decision to rescue her feels slightly abrupt. A moment of hesitation or internal conflict among the group could deepen the emotional impact and highlight their bond.
  • The use of the walkie-talkie for communication is a clever device, but it might be more effective to show the characters' physical reactions to Mara's voice. This could add a layer of visual storytelling, emphasizing their shock and concern.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with the half coughing, half laughing moment, is a nice touch, but it could be more balanced. The stakes are high, and while humor can relieve tension, it should not undermine the gravity of the situation. Consider using humor more sparingly or in a way that feels organic to the characters' personalities.
  • The transition to Mara's perspective as she moves through the bank is well-executed, but the description could be more vivid. Adding sensory details about the environment—like the sounds of chaos or the smell of smoke—could immerse the audience further into the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared look among the crew after Mara's decision to emphasize their emotional turmoil before they spring into action.
  • Enhance character differentiation by giving each character a unique way of expressing their concern or determination. This could be through specific phrases, gestures, or reactions that align with their established personalities.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions to Mara's voice over the walkie-talkie, such as close-ups of the characters' faces or their body language, to visually convey their emotional responses.
  • Reassess the balance of humor in this tense moment. If humor is included, ensure it feels natural and doesn't detract from the urgency of the situation.
  • Add more sensory details to Mara's movements through the bank to create a more immersive experience for the audience, enhancing the tension and urgency of her situation.



Scene 36 -  Standoff in the Bank
INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

MARA stands at the center of the lobby — extinguisher in one
hand, walkie in the other.

MARA
(to walkie)
You said we talk, Gina. I’m here.

CAULFIELD (V.O.)
Doors unlock in 90 seconds. That’s
your window.

MARA
I’m not taking it.

---


INT. MAIL CHUTE TUNNEL – SAME

The crew crawls through the narrow shaft.

TIFF
If this ends with me stuck behind
an air fryer, I’m haunting all of
you.

CHAD
I’m allergic to aluminum.

DEREK
We know.

---


INT. BANK – BREAKROOM – CONTINUOUS

CAULFIELD enters slowly — gun drawn.


She turns the corner...

...to see MARA sitting, calm, behind the counter.

MARA
I liked it better when I was just
angry at HR.

CAULFIELD
You’ve got ten seconds to explain
why I shouldn’t drag you out right
now.

MARA
Because I’m not the one who wants
out.

Beat.

MARA (CONT’D)
I just want them to walk away
clean.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense bank lobby, MARA stands her ground with a fire extinguisher and walkie-talkie, refusing to escape despite CAULFIELD's aggressive demands for compliance. While the crew navigates a mail chute with humor, CAULFIELD confronts MARA, who prioritizes the safety of her teammates over her own escape. The scene highlights the conflict between MARA's determination to protect others and CAULFIELD's confrontational authority, ending with MARA asserting her intentions and leaving the confrontation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled standoff between Mara and Caulfield
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot progression
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of humor may undercut the tension in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and urgency to create a compelling narrative. The dialogue is sharp, the character dynamics are well-developed, and the plot progresses significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of a high-stakes bank heist with complex character dynamics and unexpected twists is engaging and well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8.7

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the crew facing escalating challenges and making crucial decisions that impact the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the bank heist genre with unique character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the action forward. The interactions between Mara, Caulfield, and the crew members add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Mara, who takes charge and makes a bold decision to protect her crew.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to protect her crew and ensure they can walk away clean from the heist. This reflects her deeper desire for loyalty and justice.

External Goal: 7.5

Mara's external goal is to negotiate with Caulfield to allow her crew to escape without harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with internal and external conflicts driving the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caulfield posing a direct threat to Mara and her crew, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the crew facing imminent danger, betrayal, and the threat of capture by the police.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the climax of the heist and the resolution of the conflict between the crew and the authorities.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the moral dilemma of loyalty to one's crew versus the consequences of criminal actions. This challenges Mara's beliefs about justice and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, humor, and camaraderie evoking strong reactions from the audience.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and high stakes confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the heist genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense confrontation in a heist scenario, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Mara in a precarious situation, holding a fire extinguisher and a walkie-talkie, which visually emphasizes her defiance and determination. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about what Mara stands to lose if she doesn't succeed in her mission, enhancing the emotional weight of her decision to stay.
  • Mara's dialogue with Caulfield is strong, showcasing her resolve and the moral complexity of her situation. However, the line 'I liked it better when I was just angry at HR' feels slightly disconnected from the immediate tension of the scene. It could benefit from a more direct connection to her current predicament, perhaps by referencing her anger at the system that put her in this position.
  • The transition between the different locations (the bank lobby, mail chute tunnel, and breakroom) is clear, but the pacing could be improved. The quick cuts between the scenes create a sense of urgency, but they also risk losing the emotional impact of Mara's confrontation with Caulfield. A moment of silence or a brief pause could allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation before moving on.
  • The humor in Tiff's line about haunting the group if she gets stuck behind an air fryer is a nice touch, providing comic relief amidst the tension. However, it might be more effective if it were placed after a particularly tense moment, allowing the humor to serve as a release rather than interrupting the flow of tension.
  • Caulfield's character is established as authoritative and threatening, but the scene could benefit from a deeper exploration of her motivations. Why is she so intent on dragging Mara out? Adding a line or two that hints at her personal stakes in the situation could make her character more compelling and the conflict more layered.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line for Mara that directly ties her anger at HR to her current situation, reinforcing her motivations and the stakes involved.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or tension before the transition to the mail chute tunnel to allow the audience to fully grasp the weight of Mara's decision.
  • Explore Caulfield's motivations further by adding a line that hints at her personal stakes in the situation, making her a more complex antagonist.
  • Place Tiff's humorous line about haunting the group after a particularly tense moment to enhance the comedic effect and provide a release of tension.
  • Ensure that the pacing between the different locations maintains the emotional impact of the scene, possibly by allowing for a moment of reflection or tension before cutting away.



Scene 37 -  Foam and Flee
INT. BANK – CEILING VENT ABOVE

JULES, TIFF, and CHAD peek through a vent above. RITA beside
them.

They see MARA and CAULFIELD face-to-face.

JULES
What do we do?

TIFF
We improvise.

RITA
Always.

---


INT. BANK – LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

The front doors unlock — CLICK.

CAULFIELD signals.

MARINES outside begin to move in.

But just then —


A BURST of extinguishing foam explodes from above.

The fire extinguisher Mara rigged goes off.

SWAT shouts. Foam covers the entrance.

Confusion. Panic. A flare goes off near the door.

CAULFIELD ducks, slips — Mara takes off running.

---


INT. MAILROOM EXIT – SECONDS LATER

MARA dives into the chute.

The team is waiting.

JULES
You weren’t gonna leave without
saying goodbye, right?

MARA
You’re all idiots.

TIFF
But we’re your idiots.

They slam the grate shut.

---


INT. BANK SERVICE TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS

The team races through a dark, narrow corridor lit only by
glow sticks.

RITA
This wasn’t part of the plan.

MARA
We’re in Plan E now. Maybe F.

JULES
What comes after F?

TIFF
F’d.

---


INT. POLICE PERIMETER – SAME

SWAT bursts through the foam. They find...

...no one.

CAULFIELD watches from the edge.

Her radio crackles.

OFFICER (V.O.)
No suspects. They’re gone.

She closes her eyes. Smiles — just slightly.

---
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense yet humorous scene, Jules, Tiff, Chad, and Rita observe Mara and Caulfield from a ceiling vent in a bank. As Caulfield signals for Marines to enter, Mara activates a fire extinguisher rigged to explode foam, creating chaos that allows her to escape. The team exchanges playful banter at the mailroom exit before racing through a dark service tunnel, discussing their unexpected shift to 'Plan E' or 'F'. Meanwhile, SWAT teams search the bank but find no suspects, leading Caulfield to smile slightly at their successful evasion.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Effective use of humor amidst chaos
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the escape plan may seem unrealistic
  • Limited exploration of individual character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-executed with a high level of tension, strong character dynamics, and effective plot progression. The use of humor amidst chaos adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the scene, focusing on the characters' escape from a high-stakes situation, is engaging and well-developed. The introduction of a new plan (Plan E) adds complexity and intrigue to the storyline.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is compelling, with the characters facing obstacles, making decisions, and moving the story forward. The introduction of conflict and the resolution of the escape plan drive the narrative effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on a heist scenario by incorporating elements of humor, unpredictability, and unconventional tactics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters in the scene are well-defined, each contributing to the group dynamic and showcasing their individual strengths and weaknesses. The dialogue and actions reveal their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, from initial panic and confusion to determination and unity. Their actions and decisions reflect their growth and development in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to successfully execute the heist and escape with her team. This reflects her desire for control, independence, and the thrill of pulling off a daring plan.

External Goal: 9

Mara's external goal is to evade the police and successfully escape the bank with her team. This reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding capture and completing the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing external threats, internal tensions, and time pressure. The chaos, panic, and urgency contribute to the intensity of the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police closing in on the characters, unexpected obstacles arising, and the risk of failure looming. The audience is kept guessing and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters' lives on the line, the police closing in, and the need to escape before time runs out. The urgency, danger, and consequences raise the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the characters execute their escape plan, face unexpected obstacles, and confront external threats. The resolution of the scene sets up new challenges and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, improvised solutions, and shifting dynamics between characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the heist will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' willingness to take risks, break the law, and prioritize their own interests over societal norms. This challenges traditional values of honesty and lawfulness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of anxiety, relief, determination, and defiance in the characters and the audience. The characters' struggles and decisions resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions, intentions, and relationships. The mix of humor, tension, and determination in the dialogue adds depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' predicament and invested in the outcome of the heist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency, balancing action with dialogue, and building suspense. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the action. The transitions between locations are clear and concise.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a dynamic structure that builds tension, introduces obstacles, and resolves conflicts effectively. The pacing and formatting align with the genre expectations for a heist thriller.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and excitement as Mara executes her plan to escape, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. While the humor is present, the stakes feel somewhat diluted. Adding a moment of reflection or a brief internal monologue from Mara about her motivations could enhance the emotional weight of her actions.
  • The dialogue is snappy and fits the tone of the film, but it could be more varied. For instance, while the banter among the characters is humorous, it might be more impactful if some lines conveyed a sense of urgency or fear, especially given the chaotic situation they are in.
  • The transition from the bank lobby to the mailroom exit is quick and action-packed, which is great for pacing. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of hesitation or doubt from the characters before they dive into the chute. This could heighten the tension and make their decision to stick together feel more significant.
  • The visual elements, such as the foam explosion and the glow sticks in the service tunnel, are creative and add to the chaotic atmosphere. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as sounds of chaos, the smell of foam, or the feeling of the cramped space, to immerse the audience further.
  • The ending of the scene, with Caulfield's slight smile, is a nice touch that hints at her character's complexity. However, it could be strengthened by showing her reaction more explicitly. Perhaps a line of dialogue or a more pronounced facial expression could convey her mixed feelings about the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of introspection for Mara before she executes her plan, allowing the audience to connect with her motivations on a deeper level.
  • Incorporate varied emotional tones in the dialogue to reflect the urgency of the situation, balancing humor with moments of fear or determination.
  • Introduce a brief moment of hesitation or doubt among the characters before they dive into the mail chute to emphasize the gravity of their decision.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience, focusing on sounds, smells, and physical sensations.
  • Strengthen Caulfield's reaction at the end of the scene by adding a line of dialogue or a more pronounced expression to convey her complex feelings about the unfolding events.



Scene 38 -  The Final Push
INT. ABANDONED STORAGE FACILITY – SUNRISE

The crew peels off their disguises. Collapses.

DEREK
We made it?

CHAD
We made it.

MARA looks around the room. At the faces. The exhaustion. The
absurdity.

She pulls out a crushed name tag.

MARA
Let’s finish this.

FADE OUT.


INT. BANK SERVICE TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS

The crew hurries through the tight corridor, sweat dripping,
flashlights flickering.

TIFF
I swear this tunnel wasn’t this
long when we were running *out*.

JULES
Adrenaline shortens hallways. It’s
science.

They reach the junction. Mara’s voice comes through faintly
over the walkie.


MARA (V.O.)
—don’t follow me. Go now.

RITA
Yeah, we’re ignoring that.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action"]

Summary After a successful mission, the crew collapses in an abandoned storage facility at sunrise, reflecting on their absurd situation. Mara urges them to finish what they started, leading to a tense moment as they transition to a bank service tunnel. While Tiff and Jules provide comic relief, Mara warns them not to follow her, a warning that Rita chooses to ignore. The scene captures a mix of exhaustion, determination, and humor as the crew decides to press on despite the potential rift in their decision-making.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension and suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some action sequences
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively captures the crew's emotional and physical exhaustion after a heist, adds tension with Mara's selfless act, and maintains a sense of urgency and determination throughout. The mix of tones and the chaotic escape sequence contribute to a compelling and engaging scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the crew facing the aftermath of a heist, making a selfless decision, and executing a daring escape is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of loyalty, sacrifice, and determination.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the crew's escape after a successful heist, Mara's selfless act to protect them, and the tension of their situation. The plot progresses effectively, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a heist scenario by incorporating elements of exhaustion and absurdity, adding complexity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the crew's interactions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities, motivations, and dynamics. Mara's leadership and selflessness, the crew's camaraderie and determination, and Caulfield's pursuit of justice all contribute to the scene's depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 9

Mara's selfless decision to draw attention away from the crew showcases a significant character change, highlighting her leadership, sacrifice, and loyalty. The crew's unity and determination also reflect growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to finish the task at hand despite the exhaustion and absurdity of the situation. This reflects her determination and commitment to seeing things through.

External Goal: 7

The crew's external goal is to complete the mission and escape the storage facility without getting caught. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene has a high level of conflict, both internal and external, as the crew navigates the aftermath of a heist, faces danger, and makes tough decisions. The tension and stakes are heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the crew facing obstacles and conflicting motivations. The uncertainty of their actions adds to the tension and keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The scene has high stakes, as the crew faces danger, makes life-threatening decisions, and navigates a precarious situation. The risk of capture, injury, or worse adds tension and urgency to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, setting up future events, and deepening character relationships. It advances the plot while maintaining tension and suspense, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the crew's defiance of orders and the uncertain outcome of their actions. The audience is left wondering how their decisions will impact the mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between following orders and taking matters into their own hands. Rita's decision to ignore Mara's instructions challenges the value of obedience versus autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, relief, determination, and camaraderie. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate with the audience, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is engaging, realistic, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships. It effectively conveys tension, humor, and emotion, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension, sharp dialogue, and the characters' dynamic interactions. The sense of urgency and the crew's determination keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension and a clear goal for the characters to achieve. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the exhaustion and absurdity of the crew's situation, which is a strong emotional anchor. However, the transition from the storage facility to the bank service tunnel feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue is light and humorous, which contrasts well with the tension of the previous scenes. However, the line 'Adrenaline shortens hallways. It’s science.' feels a bit forced and could be rephrased to sound more natural or relatable. Consider using a more organic expression of camaraderie or humor that fits the characters' personalities.
  • Mara's determination to finish what they started is a strong character moment, but it could be more impactful if we had a clearer understanding of what 'this' refers to. A brief line or visual cue could clarify her intentions and heighten the stakes for the audience.
  • The use of the walkie-talkie for Mara's voice adds a layer of tension, but the line 'don’t follow me. Go now.' could be more compelling. It feels somewhat generic; consider adding a personal touch that reflects her character growth or the group's dynamics.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the ending feels a bit abrupt with 'FADE OUT.' Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for a more gradual build-up to the next moment, perhaps by including a brief moment of reflection or a shared look among the crew that emphasizes their bond.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of reflection or dialogue among the crew in the storage facility before transitioning to the service tunnel to create a smoother flow.
  • Rework the line about adrenaline shortening hallways to sound more natural, perhaps by having a character express disbelief or humor in a way that feels authentic to their personality.
  • Clarify what Mara means by 'Let’s finish this' by adding a line that hints at their next steps or the stakes involved, enhancing the emotional weight of her statement.
  • Revise Mara's walkie-talkie message to include a more personal or urgent plea that reflects her character development and the group's dynamics, making it more compelling.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for a more gradual transition, perhaps by including a moment of shared determination or a visual cue that emphasizes their bond before moving on.



Scene 39 -  Smoke and Standoff
INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

MARA peeks over the teller counter. Officers move like ghosts
through the smoke. Her extinguisher stunt bought her maybe
sixty seconds.

She checks her watch. Grabs the duffel bag.

CAULFIELD (O.S.)
Ms. Sloan.

Mara freezes.

CAULFIELD stands in the doorway. Calm. Measured.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
You’ve made your point. This ends
now.

MARA
You’re right. It does.

---


INT. VENT SHAFT ABOVE – SAME

TIFF, JULES, and RITA crawl toward a ceiling grate above the
lobby.

They peer down — see Mara standing, exposed. Caulfield
blocking her path.

JULES
We’ve got one shot.

TIFF
Distraction?

RITA
Always.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

MARA tosses the bag to the side. Raises her hands.

MARA
You win, Gina. Take me.

A CLATTER from the ceiling — and a FIRE EXTINGUISHER drops
down hard, spraying white fog everywhere.

TIFF crashes through the vent.

TIFF
No one’s taking anybody!

RITA and JULES drop in next, chaotic and fearless.

CAULFIELD backs off slightly, weapon raised — but hesitates.

JULES
We’ll go if you let us go.

CAULFIELD
This isn’t a deal.

MARA
Then it’s a standoff.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action"]

Summary In a smoke-filled bank lobby, Mara hides behind the teller counter, aware that time is running out before the officers arrive. Caulfield confronts her, insisting the situation must end. In a clever ruse, Mara pretends to surrender, tossing her duffel bag aside. Meanwhile, her friends Tiff, Jules, and Rita prepare a distraction from a vent above. Tiff drops down with a fire extinguisher, creating chaos and allowing the others to join her. The scene escalates into a tense standoff between Mara, her allies, and Caulfield, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • High stakes
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements
  • Predictable character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is intense, well-paced, and filled with high stakes, making it engaging and suspenseful. The dialogue is sharp, and the character dynamics are compelling, driving the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a daring escape plan in the midst of a standoff adds depth and complexity to the scene, showcasing the characters' resourcefulness and determination in the face of adversity.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is driven by the characters' actions and decisions, leading to a high-stakes confrontation that propels the story forward. The tension and conflict are palpable, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on a heist scenario by incorporating elements of teamwork, betrayal, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and personalities that drive their actions in the scene. The dynamics between the crew members and their interactions with Caulfield add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in terms of their loyalty, determination, and willingness to take risks for each other. The crew's decision to go back for Mara showcases their growth and solidarity.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to prove herself and assert her control in a dangerous situation. This reflects her need for power and agency in a high-stakes scenario.

External Goal: 7.5

Mara's external goal is to escape the bank heist situation with her team. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to outsmart their opponents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the crew facing off against Caulfield in a high-stakes standoff that tests their loyalty and resolve. The tension is palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, shifting alliances, and a sense of uncertainty that drives the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the crew facing off against law enforcement in a dangerous standoff that could have serious consequences. The tension and danger are palpable, adding urgency and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up a climactic confrontation between the crew and Caulfield while deepening the characters' relationships and motivations. The stakes are raised, leading to a compelling narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected entrance of Mara's team, the shifting power dynamics, and the uncertain outcome of the standoff.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' sense of justice and survival. Mara and her team are willing to take risks to achieve their goals, while Caulfield represents authority and order.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the characters' defiance and determination resonating with the audience. The stakes are high, and the sense of urgency and danger is palpable, creating a sense of suspense and excitement.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations while driving the plot forward. The exchanges between the crew and Caulfield are particularly engaging and dynamic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful heist genre, with escalating tension, a clear goal, and a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Mara in a precarious position, facing off against Caulfield while her friends prepare to intervene. This creates a sense of urgency and stakes, which is essential for a climax in a heist narrative.
  • The dialogue is sharp and concise, particularly Mara's line, 'You’re right. It does.' This line establishes her resolve and sets the tone for the confrontation. However, it could benefit from a bit more emotional weight or backstory to deepen the stakes for Mara.
  • The transition between the bank lobby and the vent shaft is well-executed, maintaining the pacing and tension. However, the visual description of the officers moving like ghosts could be expanded to enhance the atmosphere of danger and uncertainty.
  • The introduction of the fire extinguisher as a distraction is a clever plot device, but the execution feels slightly rushed. It might be more impactful if there were a moment of hesitation or a brief internal conflict for Mara before she decides to surrender, making her choice feel more significant.
  • The characters of Tiff, Jules, and Rita are introduced in a way that emphasizes their camaraderie and willingness to support Mara, which is great. However, their dialogue could be more distinct to highlight their individual personalities and motivations, making the audience care more about their involvement.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal conflict for Mara before she decides to surrender, which could heighten the emotional stakes and give the audience insight into her character's motivations.
  • Expand on the visual descriptions of the setting, particularly the smoke and the officers, to create a more immersive atmosphere that reflects the chaos of the situation.
  • Enhance the dialogue among Tiff, Jules, and Rita to give each character a unique voice, which will help the audience connect with them and understand their motivations better.
  • Explore the emotional weight of the confrontation between Mara and Caulfield further. Perhaps include a line or two that hints at their past interactions or the stakes involved, making the standoff feel more personal.
  • Consider pacing the action slightly to allow for more tension-building moments, such as a brief pause before the fire extinguisher drops, to amplify the surprise and chaos of the distraction.



Scene 40 -  Escape from Chaos
EXT. BANK – MOMENTS LATER

A thick white fog pours out from the broken front doors.
Chaos. Screaming. Officers stumble out.

---


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

The crew moves fast — Mara, Jules, Tiff, Rita — ducking under
foam and smoke. They’re getting out the same way they came
in: dumb and lucky.

---


INT. BACK EXIT HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

DEREK and CHAD wave from the stairwell, faces lit with
relief.


CHAD
It’s about time.

JULES
We brought souvenirs.

They all cram through the stairwell door just as a POLICE
SHOUT echoes behind them.

---


EXT. ALLEY – DAWN

The crew stumbles into open air.

Breathing hard. Dirty. Alive.

MARA looks to the east — the sun rising over the city.

CARL steps out from behind a dumpster, sipping coffee.

CARL
I called a rideshare. It’s under
“Chaotic Legends.”

CHAD
You didn’t think to mention that?

CARL
I had a lot going on emotionally.

---


INT. STORAGE UNIT – ONE HOUR LATER

The crew hides out. Blankets. Fast food bags. Everyone's
slumped. RITA wraps a bandage around her arm.

JULES opens the duffel.

Inside: a mix of petty cash, fake IDs, and... an envelope.

MARA takes it.

Inside: **a letter.** On First Federal Bank letterhead.
Handwritten. Dated two weeks before her firing.

She reads silently. Then folds it.

TIFF
What is it?


MARA
Proof.

JULES
Of what?

MARA
Of why this isn’t over.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Amidst the chaos of a bank heist, Mara, Jules, Tiff, and Rita navigate through smoke and police presence to escape. They reunite with Derek and Chad in a foggy alley at dawn, where Carl surprises them with a rideshare called 'Chaotic Legends.' Exhausted and nursing injuries, they hide in a storage unit, only for Mara to discover a letter hinting at unresolved troubles, signaling that their fight is far from over.
Strengths
  • Dynamic escape sequence
  • Effective use of humor
  • Intriguing discovery of proof
  • Strong character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel cliched or predictable
  • Certain character decisions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, chaos, humor, and reflection to create a dynamic and engaging sequence. The use of the fire extinguisher as a distraction adds a unique twist to the escape plan, keeping the audience on their toes. Mara's discovery of proof adds depth to the story and sets up intriguing future plotlines.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of the crew successfully escaping from a bank heist while facing unexpected challenges and discovering crucial proof is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively blends action, humor, and reflection to advance the plot and develop the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the crew's escape from the bank heist, with the unexpected use of a fire extinguisher as a distraction and Mara's discovery of proof adding depth and intrigue to the story. The scene moves the plot forward while setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by combining elements of suspense, humor, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Mara, Jules, Tiff, Rita, and Carl, are well-developed and each contributes uniquely to the escape plan. Their actions, dialogue, and interactions showcase their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene and setting up future character arcs.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters, particularly Mara and the crew members, undergo significant changes during the scene as they face challenges, make tough decisions, and discover crucial proof. These changes contribute to their growth and development, setting the stage for future character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to prove that the bank robbery is not over and that there is more to the situation than meets the eye. This reflects her need for closure, justice, and possibly redemption.

External Goal: 7

The crew's external goal is to escape the bank robbery situation and evade the police. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to survive and avoid capture.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the crew faces obstacles during their escape from the bank heist. The tension, chaos, and high stakes create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the crew facing obstacles, challenges, and moral dilemmas that add complexity and suspense to the narrative. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the opposition.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the crew faces the threat of capture, the chaos of the escape, and the discovery of crucial proof that could change their fates. The tension, urgency, and unpredictability of the situation raise the stakes and keep the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving the bank heist, introducing new conflicts and revelations, and setting up future plotlines. The escape sequence, Mara's discovery of proof, and the crew's interactions advance the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character interactions, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience guessing about the crew's next move.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the crew's criminal actions and the moral implications of their choices. This challenges their beliefs, values, and worldview as they navigate the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, relief, humor, and reflection. The characters' struggles, triumphs, and discoveries resonate with the audience, creating a sense of connection and investment in their journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, humor, and reflection, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations. The banter between the crew members adds a sense of camaraderie and showcases their individual personalities, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The audience is drawn into the characters' predicament and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency, building tension, and allowing for character development and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaos and urgency of the crew's escape, utilizing vivid imagery such as 'thick white fog' and 'screaming' to create a tense atmosphere. However, the transition from the bank lobby to the alley could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion in the environment. For instance, describing the sounds of sirens or the smell of smoke could heighten the urgency.
  • The dialogue is snappy and reflects the camaraderie among the crew, particularly with Jules' line about 'souvenirs.' However, some lines, like Carl's explanation about the rideshare, feel slightly disconnected from the tension of the moment. It might be more effective to have Carl's humor serve as a brief relief from the chaos rather than a full explanation, maintaining the scene's pace.
  • The introduction of the letter adds a layer of intrigue and sets up future conflict, but the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional reaction from Mara upon reading it. This would help to establish the stakes and her motivations moving forward. A brief internal monologue or a more visceral reaction could enhance the impact of this moment.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the alley to the storage unit feels abrupt. A few more lines of dialogue or action could help bridge this gap, allowing the audience to feel the weight of their escape before they settle into hiding. This would also provide an opportunity to explore the characters' emotional states post-escape.
  • The ending with 'FADE TO BLACK' is effective in creating a cliffhanger, but it might be more impactful if it were paired with a line of dialogue or a visual cue that hints at the implications of the letter. This would leave the audience with a stronger sense of anticipation for what comes next.
Suggestions
  • Add more sensory details to the escape sequence to enhance immersion, such as sounds, smells, or visual cues that reflect the chaos.
  • Consider tightening Carl's dialogue to maintain the scene's pace, perhaps by having him make a quick, humorous remark without elaborating too much.
  • Include a more pronounced emotional reaction from Mara when she reads the letter, possibly through internal thoughts or a physical response, to emphasize the stakes.
  • Bridge the transition from the alley to the storage unit with additional dialogue or action that reflects the crew's emotional state and exhaustion.
  • Pair the 'FADE TO BLACK' with a line of dialogue or a visual cue that hints at the letter's significance, enhancing the cliffhanger effect.



Scene 41 -  Unraveling Secrets
INT. STORAGE UNIT – EARLY MORNING

MARA sits on a crate, re-reading the letter under the dull
flicker of a hanging bulb. Her face hardens.

TIFF approaches, holding two coffees.

TIFF
You look like someone just told you
jury duty’s forever.

MARA
The bank was covering for internal
fraud. My firing wasn’t personal —
it was strategic.

She hands TIFF the letter.

MARA (CONT’D)
They buried it. Signed off by a
board member and “misplaced” in
storage.

TIFF
So... what? We leak it?

MARA
Maybe. Or we sell it.

JULES (O.S.)
Or we torch it and disappear.

JULES leans in the doorway, hair wild, eyes sharp.

JULES (CONT’D)
We made it out. We should take the
win.

RITA
This isn’t over. Not for her.


MARA
And not for any of us, if Caulfield
finds us.

---


INT. POLICE COMMAND VAN – SAME

CAULFIELD reviews camera footage from the bank exterior —
freeze-framing on a silhouette leaping from a fire exit.

OFFICER
Still running facial scans. No
solid hits.

CAULFIELD
You won’t get any. They’re smart.

She stares at a paused frame: MARA, half-covered in smoke,
name tag visible.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
But they’re not finished.

---


INT. TIKTOK HEADQUARTERS (SPLIT SCREEN MONTAGE)

CARL’S stream has now gone viral — reposted on Instagram,
YouTube, and Twitter.

Clips of him:

! Sneezing mid-speech

! Announcing he’s “just here for the lasagna”

! Accidentally name-dropping Mara live

He’s trending under:

**#CarlSavesTheBank**

**#ChaoticLegends**

**#InsideJobVibes**

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action"]

Summary In a dimly lit storage unit, MARA discovers that her firing from the bank was due to internal fraud, not personal failings. As she discusses the implications with TIFF, who suggests they could leak the information, JULES urges them to move on, while RITA warns of the ongoing threat from CAULFIELD, who is actively searching for them. Meanwhile, CAULFIELD reviews footage in a police command van, determined to track down MARA. The scene is intercut with CARL's viral TikTok stream, which inadvertently draws attention to their situation, creating a tense atmosphere filled with unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled confrontation
  • Strategic elements
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, filled with tension, humor, and strategic elements that keep the audience engaged. The high stakes and character dynamics add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a final showdown between the crew and Caulfield, with strategic moves and unexpected twists, is engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the crew facing a critical decision and taking action to escape, setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the aftermath of a crime and the characters' moral dilemmas. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable, keeping the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resilience, determination, and wit in the face of danger, with each playing a crucial role in the outcome of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters show growth and resilience in the face of danger, with their actions and decisions reflecting their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal is to seek justice and expose the truth behind her firing. This reflects her desire for fairness, honesty, and redemption.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to decide what to do with the incriminating letter - leak it, sell it, or destroy it. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the consequences of the fraud discovery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the crew and Caulfield, as well as internal conflicts within the crew, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and external threats creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates and the outcome of their decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the crew facing a critical decision that could determine their fate, adding intensity to the confrontation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected plot twists, and unresolved tensions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between seeking justice and taking the win. Jules represents the desire to move on and avoid further trouble, while Mara and Rita advocate for fighting back and holding those responsible accountable.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to determination, keeping the audience emotionally invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, reflecting the tension and humor of the situation, while also revealing character dynamics and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm builds tension and maintains the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and follow, enhancing the overall clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and stakes following the chaotic events at the bank, particularly through Mara's emotional response to the letter. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the characters' motivations and relationships. For instance, Tiff's suggestion to leak or sell the information feels somewhat flat; exploring her emotional investment in the situation could add depth.
  • Jules' entrance with a wild appearance and sharp eyes is a strong visual cue, but her dialogue about taking the win feels a bit dismissive of the gravity of the situation. This could be an opportunity to showcase her character's complexity—perhaps she has conflicting feelings about their actions and the consequences they face.
  • Rita's line about the situation not being over for Mara is a good moment of tension, but it could be enhanced by providing more context about her concerns. Why does she feel this way? Adding a line that hints at her personal stakes or fears could create a stronger emotional connection.
  • The split-screen montage of Carl's viral stream is a clever way to show the outside world's reaction to the events, but it feels slightly disconnected from the main scene. Integrating Carl's antics more seamlessly into the dialogue or reactions of the main characters could enhance the narrative flow and maintain focus on the central conflict.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition between the storage unit and the police command van could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two locations, reinforcing the tension and urgency of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue, particularly in Tiff's and Jules' lines, to reveal their emotional stakes and motivations more clearly.
  • Consider giving Jules a line that reflects her internal conflict about their actions, adding depth to her character and making her more relatable.
  • Enhance Rita's line about the situation not being over by providing context or a hint at her personal stakes, which could create a stronger emotional connection.
  • Integrate Carl's viral antics more closely with the main scene, perhaps by having the characters react to his stream in real-time, which could maintain focus on the central conflict.
  • Use a visual or auditory cue to create a smoother transition between the storage unit and the police command van, reinforcing the tension and urgency of the situation.



Scene 42 -  Plans in the Shadows
INT. STORAGE UNIT – LATER

JULES and CHAD sit off to the side. CHAD flips through burner
phones. JULES stares at a fake passport.

JULES
I don’t even know who I’d be if I
left.

CHAD
Probably someone with fewer
migraines.

Beat.

CHAD (CONT’D)
I’d follow her, you know. Mara.

JULES
Yeah. Me too. Even if it’s straight
into the dumbest plan ever.

---


INT. STORAGE UNIT – PRIVATE CORNER – NIGHT

MARA and RITA speak low, away from the others.

RITA
You planning something?

MARA
Always.

She opens an old city map. Draws a circle near an
intersection.

MARA (CONT’D)
That letter’s our leverage. But we
can’t just leak it. We need a
spectacle.

RITA
You’re thinking another robbery?

MARA
I’m thinking a *return*.

RITA
To the scene of the crime?


MARA
One last time. But this time... we
rob the truth.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit storage unit, Jules grapples with her identity as she contemplates leaving her current life behind. Chad reassures her of his loyalty to Mara, expressing his willingness to follow her into danger. Meanwhile, Mara and Rita strategize, plotting a bold return to a previous crime scene to leverage a letter they possess, aiming to create a spectacle that will aid their plans. The scene is charged with tension and determination, setting the stage for their next risky move.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strategic planning
  • Character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the crew's plan
  • Limited exploration of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a clear purpose of setting up a high-stakes plan for the crew. The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics and motivations. The concept of returning to the scene of the crime adds depth and intrigue to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of returning to the bank for one last heist to uncover the truth is innovative and adds depth to the story. It introduces a new layer of conflict and raises the stakes for the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot in this scene is crucial as it sets up the crew's next move and establishes the overarching goal of robbing the truth. The tension between the characters and the external conflict with Caulfield create a compelling narrative arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and moral dilemmas, rather than just the action of the robbery itself. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal their relationships and dynamics within the crew, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, particularly in their decision to return to the bank and their commitment to the plan. Their relationships and dynamics evolve as they face new challenges and obstacles.

Internal Goal: 8

Jules' internal goal in this scene is to grapple with the idea of leaving and starting anew, while also facing the fear of losing their identity in the process.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to plan a robbery that involves returning to the scene of a previous crime and stealing the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, with tension between the crew and Caulfield, as well as internal conflicts within the crew members. The decision to return to the bank sets up a major confrontation and raises the stakes for all involved.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing moral dilemmas, internal conflicts, and external challenges that create obstacles to their goals and keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in this scene are high, as the crew plans to return to the bank for a risky heist to uncover the truth. The confrontation with Caulfield and the potential consequences of their actions raise the stakes for all involved.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the crew's next heist and introducing a new layer of conflict with Caulfield. The decision to return to the bank adds complexity and intrigue to the narrative, driving the plot towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting motivations, moral dilemmas, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience guessing about the outcome of the robbery plan.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral ambiguity in planning a robbery for leverage. It challenges their beliefs about right and wrong, and the lengths they are willing to go to achieve their goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension, determination, and reflection. The characters' decisions and the high-stakes nature of the plan evoke a range of emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is engaging and serves to advance the plot while revealing character motivations and relationships. The strategic planning and banter between the characters add depth and authenticity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing plot developments that keep the audience invested in the characters' actions and decisions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the characters' plans unfold.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, character interactions, and a clear goal for the protagonists.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Jules and Chad effectively establishes their camaraderie and loyalty to Mara, which is crucial for character development. However, it could benefit from more specificity to enhance their individual personalities. For instance, instead of just mentioning 'migraines,' Chad could share a humorous anecdote about a past experience that highlights his character traits.
  • Mara's conversation with Rita introduces a pivotal plot point regarding the letter and the plan to return to the bank. However, the transition between the two conversations feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and build tension as the audience shifts focus from the lighter banter to the serious plotting.
  • The phrase 'rob the truth' is intriguing and encapsulates the theme of the story, but it could be more impactful if it were foreshadowed earlier in the scene. Perhaps Mara could reference a past event or a personal experience that connects her to this idea, making it resonate more with the audience.
  • The setting of the storage unit is effective in conveying a sense of confinement and urgency, but it could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere. Adding sensory details, such as the smell of old cardboard or the dim lighting, would immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the beats could be adjusted for greater dramatic effect. For example, after Mara reveals her plan, a longer pause could heighten the tension before Rita responds, emphasizing the weight of the decision they are about to make.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific character traits or backstory in the dialogue between Jules and Chad to deepen their relationship and make their loyalty to Mara more impactful.
  • Smooth the transition between the two conversations by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two discussions, such as a sound from the main group that draws attention to Mara and Rita's conversation.
  • Foreshadow the concept of 'robbing the truth' earlier in the scene by having Mara reference a past experience or a personal belief that connects to this idea, making it feel more organic.
  • Enhance the setting description of the storage unit by including sensory details that evoke a stronger sense of place, helping the audience visualize the environment more vividly.
  • Adjust the pacing by allowing for longer pauses after significant revelations, particularly after Mara's plan is introduced, to build tension and give the audience time to absorb the implications.



Scene 43 -  Hijacking the Narrative
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – NIGHT

A junker van pulls in. CARL hops out with a grocery bag and a
12-pack.

CARL
I brought chips, string lights, and
extremely vague wisdom.

He stops when he sees the whiteboard inside the unit, now
filled with a new plan.

CARL (CONT’D)
...Oh God. We’re doing this again,
aren’t we?

The crew turns.

MARA
This time, we’re not stealing
money.

TIFF
We’re stealing the narrative.

FADE OUT.


INT. STORAGE UNIT – NIGHT

The whiteboard glows under a hanging bulb. New scribbles. A
new plan. The crew circles Mara like it’s mission brief 2.0.

MARA We walk in. Not as thieves. As messengers. We hijack
their narrative in front of the cameras.

TIFF
Okay but... like, how hijacky are
we talking?

MARA
Symbolic hijack. Nobody gets hurt.
Nobody even panics.

CHAD
You realize everything we do makes
people panic, right?


JULES
(smirking)
We have a gift.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit parking garage, Carl arrives with snacks, only to find the crew has shifted their heist strategy to 'hijacking the narrative' instead of stealing money. Mara leads the discussion, emphasizing a non-violent approach, while Tiff seeks clarity on their plan's implications. Chad points out the irony of their intentions potentially causing panic, and Jules adds humor by claiming they have a gift for chaos. The crew grapples with the seriousness of their mission amidst light-hearted banter, leaving their fate uncertain as they prepare to execute their new plan.
Strengths
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in the plan
  • Limited exploration of consequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and reflection, setting up a new direction for the story while highlighting the characters' dynamics and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of hijacking the narrative adds a fresh twist to the heist genre, focusing on creating chaos without violence. It introduces a new layer of complexity to the story and the characters' goals.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by shifting the crew's focus from stealing money to hijacking the narrative, setting up a new direction for the story. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plan and escalating the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of 'stealing the narrative' instead of traditional heist elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, showcasing their determination, humor, and unique traits. The scene deepens the audience's understanding of the crew and their motivations.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo a subtle shift in their goals and methods, moving from theft to narrative hijacking. This change reflects their growth and adaptability, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Carl's internal goal in this scene is to understand and come to terms with the crew's new plan, which challenges his previous expectations and beliefs about their activities.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the crew's plan to 'steal the narrative' without causing harm or panic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict arises from the crew's decision to hijack the narrative, creating tension and uncertainty about the outcome. The confrontation with Caulfield adds to the conflict, raising the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the crew faces challenges in executing their plan and convincing Carl to go along with their new approach.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the crew embarks on a risky plan to hijack the narrative, facing potential consequences and conflicts with Caulfield. The outcome of their actions could have far-reaching implications, adding tension and uncertainty to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new plan and escalating the conflict between the crew and Caulfield. It sets up the next phase of the heist and raises the stakes for the characters, driving the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the crew's unconventional approach to the heist and the unexpected twist of 'stealing the narrative'. The audience is left wondering how the plan will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the crew's unconventional approach to their heist, which challenges traditional notions of criminal activity and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to humor and determination. The characters' interactions and decisions resonate with the audience, drawing them into the crew's new plan and challenges.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and reflection, capturing the characters' personalities and motivations. The banter and discussions drive the scene forward while revealing the crew's dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique concept, witty dialogue, and unexpected twist on the heist genre. The characters' interactions and the unfolding plan keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading up to the crew's new plan and the revelation of their unconventional approach.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a well-defined setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension and stakes established in previous scenes, showcasing the crew's evolution from traditional thieves to symbolic messengers. This shift in motivation adds depth to the characters and their journey, making the audience more invested in their cause.
  • The dialogue is sharp and humorous, particularly Carl's reaction to the new plan and the crew's banter about their 'gift' for causing panic. This light-heartedness balances the tension of their situation, making the characters relatable and engaging.
  • Mara's leadership is reinforced through her confident declaration of their new mission. However, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or hesitation from the crew members, particularly in response to the risks involved in their new approach. This would add layers to their characters and highlight the gravity of their situation.
  • The visual elements, such as the glowing whiteboard and the crew circling Mara, create a strong image of unity and purpose. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting, such as the sounds of the parking garage or the smell of the snacks Carl brings.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. While the dialogue references the past, a brief moment of reflection or acknowledgment of their previous actions could provide a smoother narrative flow and deepen the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of doubt or concern from one of the crew members about the new plan to create tension and showcase the risks involved. This could lead to a more dynamic discussion and highlight the stakes of their actions.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the parking garage and storage unit, such as sounds, smells, or visual cues that reflect the characters' emotions and the gravity of their situation.
  • Include a brief moment of reflection or acknowledgment of their past actions before diving into the new plan. This could help to create a smoother transition and reinforce the emotional stakes of their current mission.
  • Explore the dynamics of the crew's relationships further, perhaps by having them share a moment of camaraderie or vulnerability before launching into the new plan. This could deepen their bond and make their mission feel more meaningful.
  • Consider using more visual metaphors or imagery in Mara's speech about 'hijacking the narrative' to make her vision more vivid and compelling for the audience.



Scene 44 -  Reclaiming the Narrative
INT. PARKED VAN – LATER THAT NIGHT

CARL opens a large cardboard box marked **“FOR MEDIA USE
ONLY.”**

Inside: a ratty camcorder, a GoPro, and a handheld mic duct-
taped to a soup can.

CARL
This is how we take back the story.

DEREK
With a can?

CARL
With *conviction.*

---


INT. STORAGE UNIT – BACK CORNER – SAME

MARA and RITA huddle over the map.

RITA
You really want to walk back into
that place?

MARA
Not walk. March.

RITA
And what if they shoot us this
time?

MARA
Then the headline writes itself.

---


INT. STORAGE UNIT – MAIN FLOOR – MOMENTS LATER

The crew gathers. Final prep.

TIFF tapes up a cardboard sign:


**“WE DEMAND THE TRUTH.”**

JULES fits a fake mic to her lapel. CHAD loads blank thumb
drives labeled **“EVIDENCE.”**

CARL hands Mara a phone.

CARL
If this goes sideways, I go live.

MARA
You’ll go viral.

CARL
Same thing.

---


INT. STORAGE UNIT – FINAL MOMENTS OF ACT II

Everyone’s geared up.

One beat of hesitation. Then — they all nod.

MARA
We stole the money. We escaped the
building.
(beat)
Now we steal back the story.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a parked van and a storage unit, Carl and his crew prepare for a risky mission to confront a dangerous location. Carl unveils their media equipment, expressing determination to take back the story, while Derek voices skepticism. Mara insists on a bold approach despite Rita's concerns for safety. The team gears up, with Tiff creating a sign for truth, Jules readying a fake microphone, and Chad organizing evidence collection. As they share a moment of resolve, they collectively commit to their mission, ready to face the risks ahead.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • Strong execution
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a clear purpose of setting up a pivotal moment in the story where the characters take a bold step to change their fate. The execution is engaging, blending tension, humor, and chaos effectively to keep the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of hijacking the narrative to change the characters' fate is compelling and adds depth to the story. It introduces a unique approach to storytelling that keeps the audience intrigued.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, setting up a major conflict and resolution that will impact the characters' future actions. The scene moves the story forward effectively and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of underground activism and the characters' unconventional methods of resistance. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are driven by a sense of purpose and defiance.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters' actions and dialogue in this scene showcase their determination, resilience, and humor in the face of adversity. Each character's unique traits shine through, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, as they make bold decisions and take control of their narrative. Their actions and dialogue reflect their growth and determination, setting up future character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reclaim agency and control over their narrative. They want to assert their voice and challenge the dominant narrative imposed on them.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to expose the truth and hold those in power accountable for their actions. They aim to disrupt the established order and reveal the hidden reality.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing external and internal challenges that push them to take bold actions. The chaos and tension add to the conflict, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing significant risks and obstacles in their quest for truth and justice. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the characters' success.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters face danger, uncertainty, and the need to take control of their fate. The chaos and tension add to the high stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up a major conflict and resolution that will impact the characters' future actions. It introduces new challenges and opportunities, driving the plot towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' bold actions and the uncertain outcome of their rebellion. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power of storytelling and the manipulation of truth. The characters are challenging the narrative control of those in authority and asserting their right to shape their own story.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as the characters face uncertainty, danger, and the need to take control of their fate. The audience is drawn into their struggles and triumphs, creating a strong connection.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the high stakes they are facing. It blends tension with humor seamlessly, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and strong character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggle and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and momentum, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a scene of this genre, with clear transitions and visual cues that enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and urgency of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and determination of the characters as they prepare for their next move. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. For instance, Carl's line about taking back the story feels a bit generic and could be enhanced with a more personal touch that reflects his character's unique perspective.
  • The transition between the different locations (the van and the storage unit) is somewhat abrupt. While the scene does a good job of maintaining momentum, a smoother transition could help the audience follow the action more easily. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two settings, perhaps a line of dialogue that references their previous escape.
  • The stakes in this scene are clear, but the emotional weight could be amplified. For example, when Rita expresses concern about the possibility of being shot, it could be more impactful if Mara acknowledges this fear with a moment of vulnerability before asserting her determination. This would deepen their relationship and heighten the tension.
  • The visual elements, such as the ratty camcorder and the soup can microphone, are humorous and fitting for the tone of the film. However, it might be beneficial to describe the setting of the storage unit in more detail to create a stronger sense of atmosphere. What does the space look like? Are there any other items that reflect their chaotic journey?
  • The final line, 'Now we steal back the story,' is a strong conclusion to the scene, but it could be even more powerful if it were delivered with more emotional resonance. Perhaps a moment of silence or a shared look among the crew could precede it, emphasizing their unity and resolve.
Suggestions
  • Enhance character differentiation in dialogue by giving each character a unique way of speaking or specific phrases that reflect their personality.
  • Consider adding a transitional line or moment that connects the van scene to the storage unit, helping to maintain narrative flow.
  • Deepen the emotional stakes by allowing Mara to show vulnerability in response to Rita's concerns, reinforcing their bond and the gravity of their situation.
  • Provide more descriptive details about the storage unit to create a vivid setting that complements the characters' actions and emotions.
  • Add a moment of shared resolve among the crew before Mara's final line to heighten the emotional impact and emphasize their unity in the face of danger.



Scene 45 -  Mission Unfolds: A Night of Reckless Determination
INT. STORAGE UNIT – NIGHT

Everyone stands suited up. Fake press badges. Cardboard
protest signs. A battered duffel full of fake evidence and
one very real letter.

CARL raises a phone.

CARL

If anyone dies, I’m using portrait mode. You’ve been warned.

They all stare at him.

CARL
Kidding. Mostly.

MARA
Final checks. Once we walk out that
door, no turning back.


RITA
Let’s do something stupid for the
right reason.

Everyone nods. Jules slaps a glitter heart sticker on Mara’s
blazer.

JULES
For luck. Or fashion. You decide.

---


EXT. STORAGE UNIT – NIGHT

The sliding door rolls up. Moonlight spills in.

The crew steps out — slow motion, determined, ragtag and
absurd.

Their **mission van** idles nearby, covered in hand-painted
slogans:


**“THE TRUTH WITH INTEREST”**


**“WE WANT OUR CUT — OF JUSTICE”**

They climb in.

The van peels off toward downtown.

---


INT. POLICE COMMAND VAN – SAME TIME

CAULFIELD stares at a live stream on her screen — Carl, doing
his usual rant.

CAULFIELD
Where the hell are they...?

She zooms in.

On the van’s side, spray-painted in giant pink letters:


**“INSIDE JOB: THE REUNION TOUR”**

Caulfield’s eyes widen.


CAULFIELD
Oh, hell no.

She grabs her jacket.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
Mobilize every available unit. Now.

---

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a storage unit at night, a group of characters dressed in suits and armed with fake press badges prepares for a daring mission. Carl injects humor into the situation, while Mara stresses the seriousness of their task. Rita advocates for bold actions, and Jules lightens the mood with a lucky sticker. They exit the unit in slow motion, showcasing their determination, and climb into their hand-painted mission van. Meanwhile, police officer Caulfield monitors their antics and realizes the gravity of the situation, prompting her to mobilize police units as the crew embarks on their risky plan.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Clever concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential for over-the-top humor
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a clear purpose of setting up the crew's daring plan. It effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of hijacking the narrative in a symbolic way is innovative and adds depth to the scene. It showcases the crew's creativity and determination to challenge the status quo.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the crew's decision to take a bold step in their mission, setting up a high-stakes confrontation with Caulfield. It moves the story forward by introducing a new phase in the heist.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar heist scenario, incorporating elements of humor and deception to create a unique and engaging story. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters' interactions and dynamics are central to the scene, highlighting their camaraderie, humor, and determination. Each character's unique traits contribute to the overall impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo a subtle shift in their mindset, from uncertainty to determination, as they commit to their plan. This change sets the stage for their growth and development in the upcoming conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of humor and camaraderie while facing a dangerous mission. This reflects their need for connection and support in high-stress situations.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the mission and avoid detection by the police. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the risks involved.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the crew grapples with the risks and uncertainties of their plan. The tension between their desire for justice and the potential consequences drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that threaten the success of their mission. The uncertainty and risk add depth to the story, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the crew prepares to confront Caulfield and reclaim control of the narrative. The risks and uncertainties add tension and urgency to their mission.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new phase in the heist and setting up a high-stakes confrontation with Caulfield. It establishes the crew's resolve and determination to challenge the status quo.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the characters' ultimate fate. The element of surprise adds depth and complexity to the narrative, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between deception and justice. The characters are engaging in a risky mission for what they believe is the right reason, but they are using fake evidence and deception to achieve their goal.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to tension to hope, as the characters prepare for their daring move. The camaraderie and determination of the crew resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the humor and tension of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, tension, and action to create a dynamic and compelling story. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes mission keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement as the characters prepare for their mission. The slow-motion sequence and fast-paced dialogue create a sense of urgency and momentum, driving the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions and character interactions are well-crafted, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and excitement as the characters prepare for their mission.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity and determination of the characters as they prepare for their mission, which aligns well with the overall tone of the screenplay. The humor, particularly through Carl's quips, adds levity to the tension, making the characters relatable and engaging.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the slow-motion exit and the hand-painted slogans on the van, creates a strong visual impact that emphasizes the characters' commitment to their cause. This stylistic choice enhances the scene's emotional weight and sets the stage for their upcoming actions.
  • However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices. While the humor is present, some lines feel generic and could be more tailored to each character's personality. For instance, Carl's humor could be more unique to his character, and Rita's line about doing something stupid could reflect her specific motivations or fears more deeply.
  • The transition from the storage unit to the outside world is visually striking, but it might be enhanced by adding a moment of hesitation or reflection before they step out. This could heighten the stakes and emphasize the gravity of their decision to move forward with their plan.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Caulfield's reaction, but it could be more impactful if there were a brief moment of silence or a shared look among the crew before they exit. This would allow the audience to feel the weight of their decision before the action resumes.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a more distinct voice in their dialogue to enhance their individuality and make their interactions feel more authentic.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or reflection before the crew steps out of the storage unit to emphasize the gravity of their decision and build tension.
  • Explore the emotional stakes further by incorporating a brief exchange that highlights the characters' fears or hopes before they embark on their mission.
  • Enhance Carl's humor by making it more specific to his character, perhaps by referencing past experiences or quirks that make his humor unique.
  • Consider adding a visual cue or sound effect that signifies the transition from the storage unit to the outside world, enhancing the impact of their exit.



Scene 46 -  Protest at Fusion Fuel
EXT. FIRST FEDERAL BANK / FUSION FUEL SITE – MORNING

The old bank is now barely recognizable — signs for “Fusion
Fuel” cover the front, while work crews prep for
construction.

A handful of early reporters loiter nearby, bored. Then—


TIFF’S VAN SCREECHES INTO VIEW.

It parks diagonally across the sidewalk like a crashed parade
float.

Out jump MARA, TIFF, JULES, RITA, CHAD, CARL, and DEREK — all
wearing mismatched uniforms: fake press, protest slogans, and
glittery vests.

TIFF
Showtime, bitches.

---


EXT. BANK ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS

They march toward the doors, holding signs:


**“TRUTH WITH INTEREST”**


**“INSIDE JOB: WE’RE NOT DONE”**


**“WE ROBBED YOU TO PROVE A POINT”**

MARA
(to camera)
We are not criminals. We are
witnesses.
(MORE)
MARA (CONT’D)
And we have proof this bank was
never about the people — just
profits and cover-ups.

She holds up the LETTER — laminated.

A REPORTER recognizes her.

REPORTER
Wait... weren’t you—

JULES
The *makeup tutorial girl*? Yes.
Welcome to my redemption arc.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the morning outside the newly branded Fusion Fuel, a group of diverse characters, led by Mara, arrives to protest against the bank's corrupt practices. Armed with provocative signs, they express their determination to expose the bank's true motives. Tiff sets an energetic tone, while Jules humorously reflects on her past as a makeup influencer. The scene captures the group's defiant spirit amidst the apathy of reporters, culminating in a sense of anticipation as they prepare to confront the bank.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Blend of genres
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible tonal shifts
  • Complexity of character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted, blending genres effectively and delivering a mix of tones that keep the audience engaged. The unique approach to storytelling and character dynamics elevate the scene's impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of staging a protest at the bank to expose corruption and reclaim the narrative is innovative and engaging. The scene's focus on truth, redemption, and defiance adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the characters taking bold action to challenge the bank's corruption and reveal the truth. The conflict between the crew and Caulfield adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of corporate corruption and activism by combining elements of humor and protest in a unique setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene are well-developed, each bringing a unique perspective and personality to the protest. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual strengths and motivations.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Mara, who shifts from a position of hiding to one of defiance and leadership. The crew's unity and resolve also evolve throughout the protest.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove their worth and redemption by exposing the bank's corrupt practices. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and validation of their actions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront the bank and the media with evidence of their wrongdoing. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in trying to expose the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is high, with the crew facing off against Caulfield and the police to expose the bank's corruption. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the scene's intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong as the activists face resistance from the bank, the media, and potentially the authorities, creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the crew risks their safety and freedom to confront the bank and Caulfield. The outcome of the protest could have far-reaching consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the crew takes bold action to challenge the bank's corruption and expose the truth. The narrative progresses with each character's decisions and interactions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the unconventional protest methods, and the potential for conflict with the bank and the media.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between corporate greed and social justice. The activists believe in exposing the bank's profit-driven motives, while the media and possibly the bank represent the opposing value system of maintaining the status quo for financial gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending defiance, humor, and redemption to create a compelling narrative. The characters' journey and the stakes involved resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and impactful, capturing the characters' defiance and humor. The lines are memorable and drive the scene's themes of truth and redemption.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high stakes of the protest, and the witty dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, revealing key information at strategic moments, and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and setting up the conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the transition from the bank's past to its present, emphasizing the transformation into 'Fusion Fuel.' This sets a strong visual backdrop for the characters' protest, highlighting their mission's significance.
  • The dialogue is punchy and aligns well with the characters' personalities, particularly Tiff's enthusiastic 'Showtime, bitches,' which sets a humorous yet determined tone for the scene. However, it could benefit from a bit more depth in the characters' motivations as they prepare for the protest.
  • Mara's declaration that they are 'not criminals' but 'witnesses' is a powerful line that encapsulates the theme of the story. However, it might be more impactful if she elaborated briefly on what they witnessed, providing a clearer context for the audience.
  • The introduction of the reporter recognizing Mara adds a layer of intrigue and connects the characters' pasts to their current actions. However, the transition from the protest to the reporter's recognition feels a bit abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • Jules' line about her 'redemption arc' is humorous and fits her character, but it could be expanded to reflect her growth throughout the story. This would provide a more satisfying payoff for the audience who has followed her journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or reflection from the characters before they charge into the protest. This could deepen their emotional stakes and highlight the risks they are taking.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing the atmosphere more vividly. For example, mention the sounds of construction or the reactions of the reporters to create a more immersive experience.
  • Incorporate a line or two from Tiff or another character that emphasizes the stakes of their protest, reinforcing why they are risking so much to expose the bank's practices.
  • Explore the dynamic between the characters as they prepare for the protest. A quick exchange of banter or a moment of solidarity could strengthen their camaraderie and make the audience more invested in their cause.
  • Consider adding a moment where the crew acknowledges the potential consequences of their actions, which would heighten the tension and stakes of the scene.



Scene 47 -  Rebellion in the Lobby
INT. FUSION FUEL LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

The place is under construction. Plastic tarps. Toolboxes.
Confused WORKERS step back as the crew storms in and sets up
shop.

CHAD pulls a folding podium from his backpack.

JULES unfurls a glitter curtain behind them.

CARL clips on a mic.

CARL
This livestream is brought to you
by unemployment, injustice, and Hot
Cheetos. Let’s go.

---


INT. POLICE COMMAND VAN – SAME

CAULFIELD sees it on a dozen screens — live, raw,
embarrassing.

CAULFIELD
They’re inside again?! Are they
*addicted* to this place?

DISPATCH
Do we send in SWAT?

CAULFIELD
No. Send a press liaison. And
someone with a mop.


---


EXT. BANK – 20 MINUTES LATER

The crowd outside has tripled. News vans pull up. People
chant.

CHANTING CROWD
(chanting)
Inside Job! Inside Job!

TIFF holds up a sign that reads:


**“WE’RE THE ROBBERS — AND THE REASON!”**

MARA steps forward with a USB drive.

MARA
This is a full backup of the bank’s
internal documents — names,
payouts, cover-ups. We didn’t take
your money. We took their secrets.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the chaotic lobby of Fusion Fuel, Chad, Jules, and Carl prepare for a livestream, humorously addressing themes of unemployment and injustice while drawing the attention of confused workers. Meanwhile, Caulfield, monitoring from a police command van, opts for a press liaison instead of SWAT as tensions rise. Outside, a growing crowd chants 'Inside Job,' led by Tiff with a provocative sign. Mara steps forward, revealing a USB drive containing incriminating documents from the bank, asserting their mission to expose secrets rather than steal money. The scene culminates with Mara presenting the USB drive to the crowd, heightening the stakes of their confrontation.
Strengths
  • Strong concept
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Compelling characters
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations
  • Some elements may require suspension of disbelief

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and impactful, with a strong concept, well-developed characters, and significant plot progression. The execution is effective, drawing the audience in with a mix of tension, humor, and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exposing the truth through a public protest inside the bank is innovative and compelling. It adds layers of conflict, emotion, and high stakes to the narrative, driving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial, as it reveals key information about the characters, their motivations, and the central conflict of the story. It moves the narrative forward significantly and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its approach to protest and activism, presenting characters who use unconventional methods to challenge authority and reveal secrets. The dialogue feels authentic and fresh, adding depth to the characters' actions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed, each with their own unique personalities, motivations, and arcs. Their interactions, dialogue, and actions drive the scene forward and create depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, as they confront their fears, reveal their true selves, and take a stand for what they believe in. These changes drive the narrative forward and deepen the characters' arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to expose the truth and fight against corruption. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and fairness in society.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reveal the bank's secrets and incite public outrage. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting a powerful institution and making a bold statement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing off against authority figures, risking their safety and freedom to reveal the truth. The tension between the protesters and the police adds to the drama and stakes of the moment.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing resistance from authority figures and the threat of consequences for their actions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters risk their safety, freedom, and reputations to expose the truth and take a stand against corruption. The outcome of their protest could have far-reaching consequences for themselves and the bank.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, advancing the central conflict, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative towards its climax and resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as the characters revealing secrets and inciting public outrage. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between transparency and deception. The characters are challenging the idea of hiding information and exposing the truth, which relates to the protagonist's beliefs in honesty and accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as the characters reveal personal truths, confront their pasts, and take a stand for justice. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles, triumphs, and sacrifices.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions, intentions, and conflicts. It adds depth to the narrative and enhances the tension and drama of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with dynamic characters and fast-paced action. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The quick transitions between locations and characters keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear descriptions of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on action and dialogue to drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic energy of the protest, showcasing the crew's determination and humor. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The audience may benefit from a brief moment of reflection or a line that connects the crew's motivations to their actions in the lobby.
  • The dialogue is punchy and humorous, particularly Carl's introduction of the livestream. However, it could be enhanced by adding more character-specific lines that reflect their individual personalities and motivations. For instance, Tiff could have a more enthusiastic or defiant line that showcases her role as the group's morale booster.
  • The visual elements, such as the construction site and the crew's makeshift setup, are strong, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of construction, the smell of fresh paint, or the sight of the crew's mismatched outfits would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The stakes are clear with the USB drive, but the scene could heighten tension by showing the crew's anxiety about being caught. A brief moment of hesitation or a worried glance among the crew members could add depth to their characters and the situation.
  • The chanting crowd adds a layer of excitement, but it might be more impactful if the crowd's reactions were shown in more detail. For example, including a few lines of dialogue from the crowd or showing their expressions could enhance the sense of solidarity and urgency.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that connects the crew's motivations from the previous scene to their current actions in the lobby, creating a smoother transition.
  • Enhance character-specific dialogue to reflect their personalities more distinctly, particularly for Tiff and Jules, to deepen audience connection.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere, such as sounds, smells, and visual descriptions of the construction site and the crew's appearance.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or concern among the crew members to build tension and showcase their vulnerability in the face of potential consequences.
  • Include more crowd interaction or dialogue to emphasize the growing support for the crew and the stakes of their protest.



Scene 48 -  Confrontation at the Bank
INT. CAULFIELD’S SUV – EN ROUTE – SAME

Caulfield’s phone buzzes — text from MAYOR’S OFFICE:


**“THEY’RE TRENDING. DON’T SCREW THIS UP.”**

She exhales.

CAULFIELD
Oh, I’m gonna screw it up *just
right.*

She flicks on her lights. Sirens wail.


EXT. BANK / FUSION FUEL SITE – CONTINUOUS

Caulfield’s black SUV SCREECHES to a stop. She steps out in
full "I’m done playing" mode. Her badge flashes. The crowd
parts.


INT. BANK LOBBY – SAME

The crew has taken over the front counter like it’s a talk
show set. Carl's livestream now shows:


**VIEWERS: 1.3 MILLION AND CLIMBING**

RITA
(showing documents)
This memo shows internal loans
funneled through fake shell
companies. I used to sign these. I
didn’t know what I was doing. Until
now.

The crowd GASPS.

JULES
You were laundering money and
didn’t even get, like, a tote bag?

MARA
She was doing what she was told. We
all were.

TIFF
Except me. I stole pens.

They all nod. Fair.

CAULFIELD (O.S.)
FREEZE!

Everyone turns.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Caulfield arrives at a bank protest, determined to assert her authority as the crowd parts for her. Inside, Rita reveals shocking documents about the bank's illegal activities, prompting a mix of gasps and dark humor among the crew. As they discuss their complicity, Caulfield interrupts the scene with a commanding 'freeze,' creating a tense standoff that leaves the outcome uncertain.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Revealing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Potential tonal shifts
  • Lack of visual description

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a good balance of humor, drama, and tension. The dialogue is engaging, revealing important information while also providing comedic relief. The execution is strong, with a clear progression of events and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the crew's attempt to expose the truth about the bank, is engaging and well-executed. The idea of hijacking the narrative and revealing internal fraud adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the revelation of internal fraud and the crew's confrontation with Caulfield driving the narrative forward. The scene adds complexity to the story and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by combining elements of humor and drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Each character contributes to the scene in a meaningful way, showcasing their strengths and vulnerabilities. The interactions between the characters are dynamic and reveal important aspects of their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, revealing new aspects of their personalities and motivations. The crew members show growth, resilience, and determination as they confront the truth and take a stand against injustice.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the internal loans and expose the corruption within the bank. This reflects her desire for justice and integrity.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the criminals involved in the money laundering scheme and bring them to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the crew facing off against Caulfield and the bank, risking their safety and freedom to expose the truth. The tension between the characters and the escalating stakes drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles in her pursuit of justice. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how she will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, as the crew risks their safety and freedom to expose the bank's secrets and confront Caulfield. The outcome of their actions could have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics. The exposure of internal fraud and the crew's confrontation with Caulfield have long-lasting implications for the plot and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral values and sense of responsibility. The protagonist's belief in justice clashes with the criminals' willingness to follow orders without questioning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of humor, tension, and revelation. The characters' vulnerabilities and motivations are on display, adding depth to the story and engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and revealing. It showcases the characters' personalities and motivations while moving the plot forward. The banter between the crew members adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the characters and their story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Caulfield's authoritative entrance with the crew's chaotic takeover of the bank lobby. This contrast highlights the stakes of the situation and the urgency of their mission.
  • The dialogue is sharp and humorous, particularly with Jules' line about not receiving a tote bag for laundering money. This adds levity to an otherwise serious situation, making the characters relatable and engaging.
  • Rita's revelation about her involvement in money laundering serves as a pivotal moment, providing character depth and a sense of moral complexity. However, it could benefit from a more emotional reaction from her to emphasize the weight of her confession.
  • The use of the livestream as a narrative device is effective, showcasing the growing audience and the public's interest in their actions. This element adds a layer of modernity and relevance to the story, reflecting current societal issues.
  • Caulfield's entrance is dramatic, but her command to 'freeze' feels somewhat abrupt. It could be enhanced by a more gradual build-up to her confrontation with the crew, allowing for a moment of tension before her authoritative command.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or shock after Rita's confession to allow the weight of her words to resonate with both the characters and the audience.
  • Enhance Caulfield's entrance by incorporating more sensory details, such as the reactions of the crowd or the atmosphere in the bank lobby, to heighten the tension and anticipation.
  • Explore the dynamics between Caulfield and the crew further. Perhaps include a line or two that hints at her past interactions with them, which could add depth to their confrontation.
  • To maintain the humor while addressing serious themes, consider adding a few more light-hearted exchanges among the crew as they react to the unfolding chaos, reinforcing their camaraderie.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene allows for moments of reflection amidst the chaos. This could involve slowing down the dialogue slightly during key revelations to emphasize their significance.



Scene 49 -  Whistleblower Uprising
INT. BANK – CONTINUOUS

Caulfield storms in, flanked by two UNIFORMS. The tension
breaks like a snapped wire.

CAULFIELD
(to Mara)
You’re on livestream committing new
crimes, Sloan. I’d clap, but you’re
under arrest.

MARA
Actually... we’re whistleblowers.
This bank's internal records have
been digitally backed up and
released to multiple news outlets.


She holds up her phone. Sends an email. *Whoosh.*

CARL
That’s right! If we vanish, the
docs go to Congress, Reddit, and
Beyoncé’s PR team.

CAULFIELD
You think you’re cute?

TIFF
We *are* cute.

Caulfield pulls cuffs. Mara doesn't flinch.

MARA
You want to arrest me, do it. But
everyone here’s watching. Every
person outside. Every soul who ever
got chewed up by a system designed
to crush working people.

Beat. Jules walks up beside her.

JULES
Also, your roots are showing. Just
saying.

LAUGHTER from the crowd.

Suddenly, a WOMAN (50s), business suit, steps forward.

WOMAN
I worked in compliance. Everything
she’s saying — it’s true.

GASPS ripple through the lobby.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
I stayed quiet for years. Not
anymore.

Carl’s livestream EXPLODES. View count: **2.5 MILLION**

CAULFIELD
(to officer)
Cut the feed.

CARL
Sorry. Too late. We’re trending in
seventeen countries. Hashtag Inside
Job.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense bank lobby, Caulfield confronts whistleblower Mara, who claims to expose the bank's corruption. As she sends an email that threatens to release incriminating documents if arrested, her ally Carl highlights their viral impact, rallying crowd support. A former compliance officer corroborates Mara's claims, intensifying the conflict against Caulfield's authority. Despite his attempts to cut the livestream, the situation spirals out of control as they trend worldwide, marking a public relations disaster for him.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Character dynamics
  • Revealing plot twist
Weaknesses
  • Potential for cliched dialogue
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a perfect blend of tension, humor, and hope. The dialogue is sharp, the characters are engaging, and the plot progresses significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of whistleblowing against a corrupt system is compelling and drives the scene forward. The idea of using a livestream to expose the truth adds a modern twist to the narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial as it revolves around the characters' plan to expose the bank's corruption. The tension, humor, and character dynamics all contribute to the overall plot progression.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the whistleblower narrative by incorporating modern technology like livestreaming and digital backups. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters are well-developed, each with their unique personalities and motivations. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene, making it engaging for the audience.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, from standing up against injustice to revealing hidden truths. These changes drive the plot forward and add depth to the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 9

Mara's internal goal is to stand up for what she believes in and expose the corruption within the bank. This reflects her deeper desire for justice and truth.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent her and her team from being arrested and to expose the corruption within the bank to the public.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and Caulfield, as well as the internal conflict within the group, adds tension and drama to the scene. The stakes are high, leading to a climactic confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing the threat of arrest and the challenge of exposing corruption within the bank. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters risk arrest and exposure to reveal the truth about the bank's corruption. The tension and drama are heightened by the potential consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by exposing the bank's corruption, setting the stage for further developments. The characters' actions have a lasting impact on the narrative, driving the plot towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as the whistleblower reveal and the support from unexpected characters like the woman in compliance.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in justice and truth versus the corrupt system that seeks to silence them. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and defiance to hope and humor. The reveal of the incriminating documents and the characters' defiance against authority create a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9.4

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and impactful, driving the scene forward and revealing the characters' personalities. The banter between the characters adds humor and depth to the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, witty dialogue, and unexpected twists. The tension and drama keep the audience invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and comedic relief. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene moving at a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues and action descriptions. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with Caulfield's authoritative entrance and the immediate stakes of the confrontation. However, the dialogue could benefit from more varied emotional beats to enhance the stakes. While the humor is present, it sometimes undercuts the gravity of the situation, particularly when Caulfield is trying to assert control.
  • Mara's declaration of being a whistleblower is a strong moment, but it could be more impactful if she elaborated briefly on the consequences of the bank's actions. This would deepen the audience's understanding of why this moment is significant and why the stakes are high for everyone involved.
  • The introduction of the woman from compliance adds a powerful layer to the scene, but her transition from silence to speaking out could be more developed. A brief moment of hesitation or internal conflict could make her decision feel more weighty and relatable.
  • The humor from Jules about Caulfield's roots is a nice touch, but it risks trivializing the tension. Consider balancing the humor with more serious dialogue to maintain the scene's intensity. The laughter from the crowd is a good reaction, but it might be more effective if it came after a particularly poignant moment rather than a light jab.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Caulfield's command to the crowd's reaction could be smoother. The abrupt shift from tension to laughter might confuse the audience about the overall tone of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of internal conflict for the woman from compliance before she speaks up, which would enhance her character development and the emotional weight of her revelation.
  • Strengthen Mara's argument about the bank's corruption by including a specific example of wrongdoing, which would make her claim more compelling and urgent.
  • Balance the humor with more serious dialogue to maintain the tension throughout the scene. Perhaps have Mara or another character acknowledge the gravity of the situation before the humor is introduced.
  • Refine the pacing by ensuring that the transition from Caulfield's command to the crowd's laughter feels more organic. This could involve a brief pause or a reaction shot that emphasizes the tension before the humor breaks through.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters more deeply, especially between Mara and Caulfield. A moment of eye contact or a shared history could add depth to their confrontation.



Scene 50 -  Defiance in the Streets
EXT. BANK – MOMENTS LATER

Reporters swarm. The crowd CHEERS as more people chant.

CHANTING
(insistent)
We! Want! Justice!

TIFF (TO JULES)
This is either history... or a
felony.

JULES
Why not both?


INT. BANK – CONTINUOUS

Caulfield steps back. Realizing she can’t arrest them all —
not now, not in public.

She lowers her cuffs.

CAULFIELD
Enjoy the circus. But this isn’t
over.

She turns and exits, shoving past cameras.

RITA
(to Mara)
Now what?

MARA
Now... we finish what we started.

Everyone looks to her.

MARA (CONT’D)
We tell the whole story. And we do
it live.

They high-five. The absurd revolution continues.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary Outside a bank, a crowd of protesters cheers for justice while reporters capture the moment. Officer Caulfield realizes she cannot arrest the protesters and decides to leave, warning that the situation isn't over. Rita seeks guidance from Mara, who suggests they continue their mission by broadcasting their story live. The group celebrates this decision with high-fives, embodying the chaotic yet spirited energy of their protest.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging characters
  • High stakes
  • Blend of humor and drama
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of detailed character arcs
  • Some reliance on cliches

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively combines humor, drama, and action to create a compelling and entertaining sequence. The dialogue is sharp, the characters are engaging, and the stakes are high, leading to an exciting and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of staging a protest in a bank lobby to expose corruption is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively explores themes of justice, rebellion, and the power of storytelling in a unique and entertaining way.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with a clear goal, escalating conflict, and a satisfying resolution. The revelation of internal corruption adds depth to the story and sets up future conflicts for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of justice, authority, and rebellion, with authentic character interactions and unexpected plot developments.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-defined and engaging, each contributing to the overall dynamic of the group. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, from embracing their roles as whistleblowers to challenging authority and taking a stand for justice. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complex moral and ethical dilemmas presented by the situation. They are torn between upholding the law and seeking justice, reflecting their deeper need for integrity and fairness.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain control of the situation and uphold their authority, despite the overwhelming opposition and chaos around them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing off against authority figures, risking arrest, and exposing internal corruption. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenging decisions and conflicting values that create uncertainty and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters risking arrest, exposure, and retaliation as they challenge authority and expose corruption. The tension and danger add urgency and excitement to the narrative.

Story Forward: 10

The scene effectively moves the story forward, revealing new information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution while keeping the audience engaged and invested.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected decisions and the shifting power dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between following the law and seeking justice. The characters grapple with the implications of their actions and the consequences of their decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending humor, drama, and defiance to create a memorable and engaging moment. The characters' determination and camaraderie evoke feelings of hope, rebellion, and justice.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and impactful. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic action, sharp dialogue, and high stakes conflict that keeps the audience invested in the characters' choices and outcomes.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise and impactful descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and engaging structure, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the climax of the protest, showcasing the tension between the characters and the authority represented by Caulfield. The use of chanting and the crowd's energy adds a palpable sense of urgency and excitement, which is crucial for this moment in the narrative.
  • Mara's leadership is reinforced in this scene, as she takes charge and proposes the next steps. However, the transition from Caulfield's exit to Mara's declaration could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the tension of Caulfield's threat to the celebratory high-five feels slightly disjointed, which may confuse the audience about the stakes.
  • The dialogue is sharp and humorous, particularly Tiff's line about history or a felony, which encapsulates the absurdity of the situation. However, the line could be enhanced by adding a bit more emotional weight or urgency to reflect the gravity of their actions.
  • The visual elements of the scene are strong, with the contrast between the chaotic crowd outside and the authoritative presence of Caulfield inside. However, more specific visual descriptions could enhance the atmosphere, such as detailing the expressions on the reporters' faces or the physicality of the crowd's movements.
  • The ending line, 'the absurd revolution continues,' is a strong thematic statement, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to the characters' personal stakes or motivations. This would reinforce the emotional resonance of their actions and the significance of their protest.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or hesitation from Mara before she declares their next steps. This could heighten the tension and emphasize the weight of their decision to go live.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more emotional stakes. For example, Tiff could express a personal connection to the cause, making the moment feel more significant.
  • Include more sensory details in the scene to immerse the audience further. Describe the sounds of the crowd, the flashes of cameras, or the physical sensations of the characters to create a more vivid atmosphere.
  • Smooth the transition between Caulfield's exit and Mara's declaration by adding a line or two that acknowledges the tension still present, perhaps a moment of disbelief or excitement among the group before they high-five.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more specific call to action or a poignant statement from Mara that encapsulates their mission, reinforcing the theme of empowerment and resistance.



Scene 51 -  Taking Control of the Narrative
INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

MARA looks around at the crowd, the lights, the cameras.

MARA
They spent decades calling people
like us “lazy.” “Unqualified.”
“Disposable.”


Today, we get to be the authors of our own damn story.

She slaps a POST-IT NOTE on the vault:


**“TRUTH WITH INTEREST.”**

TIFF
You’ve got a future in motivational
speaking. Or cult leadership.

Carl adjusts his camera angle.

CARL
And this is where our heroines took
a bold stand—

He spins to a confused YOUNG COP.

CARL (CONT’D)
—Can we get a quick quote for the
livestream?

YOUNG COP
(awkwardly)
Uh... I just wanted coffee.

---


EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – SAME

More PEOPLE arrive. Bikers, parents with strollers, local
weirdos with signs.

The whole town is watching.

---
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In a bustling bank lobby, Mara addresses a crowd, challenging societal labels that deem people like her as 'lazy' and 'disposable.' She empowers the group by slapping a Post-it note on the vault that reads 'TRUTH WITH INTEREST.' Tiff humorously suggests Mara could be a motivational speaker, while Carl captures the moment for a livestream, awkwardly interacting with a young cop who just wants coffee. The scene shifts to the parking lot, where a diverse crowd, including bikers and parents, gathers in support of Mara's cause, highlighting the community's engagement.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling theme
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines drama, humor, and tension to create a captivating moment of defiance and empowerment. The dialogue is engaging, the characters are well-developed, and the plot progresses in a meaningful way.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a protest to expose corruption and reclaim the narrative is compelling and well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and drives the plot forward in a meaningful way.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and their mission. The conflict between the characters and the authorities adds tension and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on societal labels and expectations, with characters who challenge the status quo and take bold actions. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and each contributes uniquely to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant development in the scene, particularly in terms of their resolve, unity, and sense of purpose. Their actions and dialogue reflect their growth and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to empower herself and others by taking a stand against societal labels and expectations. She wants to inspire change and challenge the status quo.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to make a statement by placing a post-it note on the vault with a powerful message. This reflects her desire to challenge the system and make a bold move.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the authorities, as well as the internal conflict within the group, adds depth and tension to the scene. The high stakes raise the emotional impact and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting perspectives and goals that create tension and conflict. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of exposing corruption, facing off against authorities, and risking their safety add tension and urgency to the scene. The characters' actions have significant consequences, raising the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for future developments. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, the shifting dynamics between them, and the uncertain outcome of their bold move.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in empowerment and self-determination, and the young cop's desire for simplicity and routine. This challenges Mara's worldview and forces her to confront different perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, combining elements of defiance, empowerment, and hope. The characters' determination and courage resonate with the viewer, creating a memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. It adds humor and tension to the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high stakes of the situation, and the sense of urgency and tension that drives the action forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with a sense of urgency and tension that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the culmination of Mara's journey, showcasing her transformation from a marginalized individual to a confident leader. The dialogue is punchy and impactful, particularly Mara's declaration about being the authors of their own story, which resonates with the audience's desire for empowerment.
  • The use of the Post-it note as a symbol of their message, 'TRUTH WITH INTEREST,' is clever and visually striking. It encapsulates the theme of reclaiming their narrative and adds a layer of humor and absurdity to the serious undertones of their protest.
  • Tiff's line about motivational speaking or cult leadership adds a light-hearted touch, balancing the tension of the moment. However, it could be more impactful if it were slightly more grounded or connected to the emotional stakes of the scene, rather than feeling like a throwaway joke.
  • Carl's interaction with the young cop is humorous and serves to highlight the absurdity of the situation. However, the young cop's response could be expanded to enhance the comedic effect and further illustrate the disconnect between the seriousness of the protest and the mundane reality of the cop's role.
  • The transition from the bank lobby to the parking lot is visually effective, showing the growing support for Mara and her crew. However, the description of the crowd could be more vivid to emphasize the diversity and energy of the supporters, making the scene feel more alive and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or reflection before Mara speaks, allowing the weight of the situation to settle in and enhancing the impact of her words.
  • Expand Tiff's line to include a more specific or relatable reference that ties back to their journey, making it feel less like a generic joke and more like a personal observation.
  • Enhance the young cop's response to Carl by giving him a more humorous or relatable line that reflects the absurdity of the situation, perhaps expressing confusion about why he's being asked for a quote.
  • In the description of the crowd outside, include specific details about their signs or expressions to create a more vivid image of the support for Mara and her crew, emphasizing the community aspect of their protest.
  • Consider incorporating a moment where Mara acknowledges the crowd's presence or support, reinforcing her connection to them and the significance of their collective action.



Scene 52 -  Negotiation in the Spotlight
INT. BANK – LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

DEREK scrolls through his tablet.

DEREK
Guys... CNN just picked this up.
And something called
“DramaSlop.net” says we’re
socialist Robin Hoods.

JULES
I’ve *always* wanted to be
misquoted.


Suddenly —


A PHONE RINGS.

It’s the BANK’S OLD LANDLINE.

Everyone freezes.

MARA picks it up.

MARA
Hello?

Beat.

She turns to the crew.

MARA (CONT’D)
It’s the bank’s regional VP. He
wants to... negotiate?

TIFF
Of course he does. We’ve got better
PR than he does now.

MARA
Put him on speaker.

She presses the button.

VP (V.O.)
Ladies, I don’t know what this is,
but it’s not helping anyone. Let's
settle this quietly. Maybe we can
make a deal?

JULES
Unless the deal is a spa weekend
and a Netflix docuseries... hard
pass.

---
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the bank's lobby, Derek reveals that their actions have attracted media attention, branding them as 'socialist Robin Hoods.' The mood shifts when Mara answers a call from the regional VP, who seeks to negotiate. The crew, especially Jules, expresses skepticism about the VP's intentions, humorously suggesting that only a luxurious deal would be worth considering. As the conversation unfolds, the crew's dismissive attitude highlights the power struggle between them and the bank, ending with Jules rejecting the VP's offer and leaving the situation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Tension-filled negotiation
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy with a touch of rebellion and humor, making it engaging and entertaining. The negotiation adds tension and showcases the crew's defiance and wit.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating with the bank's VP during a protest adds depth to the story and highlights the crew's evolution from criminals to whistleblowers. It introduces a new dynamic and raises the stakes.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the crew navigates the negotiation with the bank's VP, setting the stage for further conflict and resolution. It adds layers to the story and keeps the audience intrigued.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the heist genre by incorporating elements of social activism and humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities shine through in their interactions during the negotiation, showcasing their defiance, humor, and unity. Each character contributes to the scene's dynamics and progression.

Character Changes: 7

The negotiation scene doesn't lead to significant character changes, but it reinforces the crew's unity, defiance, and wit. It solidifies their bond and determination to fight for what's right.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and humor in a high-pressure situation. This reflects their need for validation and their fear of failure.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to negotiate with the bank's regional VP and maintain their position of power in the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The negotiation scene is filled with conflict as the crew faces off against the bank's VP, showcasing their defiance and determination. The tension adds excitement and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the bank's regional VP presenting a challenge to the protagonist's goals.

High Stakes: 8

The negotiation scene raises the stakes for the crew as they challenge the bank's authority and demand justice. The outcome of the negotiation could have significant consequences for their mission.

Story Forward: 9

The negotiation scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict with the bank's VP and setting the stage for further developments. It adds depth to the plot and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected negotiation with the bank's regional VP and the characters' witty responses.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for social justice and the bank's desire for profit. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the system and their values of equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empowerment and rebellion, resonating with the audience's desire for justice and truth. The humor adds a light-hearted touch, balancing the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sharp, and engaging, capturing the essence of each character and driving the negotiation scene forward. It adds humor and tension, making the scene memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and social commentary. The dialogue and actions keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and humor throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension and a resolution through negotiation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation with the crew's newfound fame, but it could benefit from deeper character development. While Derek's line about CNN adds humor, it doesn't significantly advance the plot or character arcs. Consider giving Derek a more active role in the scene to enhance his character's presence.
  • Mara's reaction to the VP's call is pivotal, yet it feels somewhat rushed. The transition from the excitement of media attention to a serious negotiation could be more gradual. Adding a moment of tension or hesitation before she picks up the phone could heighten the stakes and reflect her internal conflict about negotiating with the bank.
  • The dialogue is witty and captures the tone of the screenplay well, but Jules' line about wanting to be misquoted feels slightly disconnected from the gravity of the moment. It might be more impactful if her humor was tied directly to the negotiation or the implications of their actions, reinforcing the stakes rather than diverting attention.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the tension. Consider incorporating more physical reactions from the crew as they process the VP's call, such as nervous fidgeting or exchanging worried glances, to visually convey their uncertainty about the negotiation.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which works for the comedic tone, but it may benefit from a brief pause after the VP's introduction. This could allow the audience to absorb the significance of the call and the potential consequences of engaging with the bank.
Suggestions
  • Give Derek a more active role in the scene, perhaps by having him express concern about the implications of the VP's call or suggesting a strategy for the negotiation.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Mara before she answers the phone, emphasizing her struggle with the decision to negotiate with the bank.
  • Revise Jules' line to connect more directly with the negotiation, perhaps by making a humorous comment about the absurdity of the bank's attempt to negotiate after their actions.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the crew to visually convey their anxiety and uncertainty about the negotiation, enhancing the scene's tension.
  • Add a brief pause after the VP's introduction to allow the audience to fully grasp the significance of the call and the potential consequences of engaging with the bank.



Scene 53 -  The Siege of Truth
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – SAME

The MAYOR watches the feed with his advisors.

MAYOR
Call the governor. Call someone. We
can’t have a *bank siege rebranded
as empowerment brunch.*


ADVISOR
Too late. Buzzfeed just made a
quiz:

**"Which Inside Job Gal Are You?"**

---


INT. BANK – LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

MARA stands on the front desk now, addressing the livestream
audience.

MARA
We didn’t plan this. Not all of it.
But we planned enough to know...

Sometimes the only way to fix the system is to break it —
just enough to get people’s attention.

She points to the security cameras.

MARA (CONT’D)
We didn’t rob this bank for money.

We robbed it for *proof*.

And now, they don’t get to take that back.

Applause from the growing crowd outside.

TIFF wipes away a tear.

TIFF
Damn it. I promised myself I
wouldn’t cry during a felony.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the Mayor's office, frustration mounts as he watches a bank siege misrepresented in the media. He realizes the situation is spiraling out of control, especially with public engagement on social media. Meanwhile, in the bank lobby, Mara passionately addresses a livestream audience, asserting that their actions aim to expose systemic issues rather than for monetary gain. Her speech resonates with the crowd outside, while Tiff struggles with her emotions, vowing to remain strong despite the weight of their actions. The scene highlights the conflict between the Mayor's desire to control the narrative and the public's embrace of Mara's message.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Unique concept
  • Blend of humor and drama
Weaknesses
  • Potential for over-the-top humor
  • Lack of detailed character backstory

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted, blending humor, drama, and inspiration effectively. It engages the audience with its unique approach to storytelling and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on a group of rebels exposing corruption through a daring heist of truth, is innovative and engaging. It offers a fresh take on the crime genre with a comedic twist.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and well-developed, with a clear goal, rising tension, and a satisfying resolution. It moves the story forward while keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by focusing on the characters' motivations for the robbery rather than the act itself. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene are well-defined and each contributes uniquely to the narrative. Their interactions, humor, and emotional depth add layers to the story and keep the audience connected.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, from embracing their roles as rebels to finding courage and unity in the face of adversity. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 9

Mara's internal goal in this scene is to challenge the status quo and make a statement about the corrupt system. This reflects her deeper desire for justice and change in society.

External Goal: 8

Mara's external goal is to expose the corruption within the system by robbing the bank for proof. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to make a bold statement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes, with the characters facing off against authority figures and risking their freedom to expose the truth. The tension keeps the audience engaged and rooting for the rebels.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Mayor representing the established order and Mara challenging it with her actions. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters risking their freedom and safety to expose corruption and reclaim power. The tension and urgency drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, escalating the conflict, and setting up the next stage of the characters' journey. It propels the narrative with purpose and momentum.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the characters robbing the bank for proof rather than money. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the traditional values of law and order represented by the Mayor and the rebellious values of justice and change represented by Mara. This challenges Mara's beliefs and values as she goes against the established system.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending humor with moments of defiance, camaraderie, and hope. It resonates with the audience on an emotional level, drawing them into the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and impactful. It reveals the characters' personalities, motivations, and conflicts while driving the plot forward with humor and emotion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, dramatic tension, and high stakes. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a dramatic reveal of the characters' motivations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, particularly through the Mayor's frustration and the humorous Buzzfeed quiz. This juxtaposition of serious themes with comedic elements enhances the overall tone of the screenplay, making it engaging and relatable.
  • Mara's speech is powerful and serves as a rallying cry for the crowd, effectively conveying her motivations and the purpose behind their actions. However, the transition from the Mayor's office to the bank lobby feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the characters' personalities well. Mara's declaration about breaking the system to get attention is a strong thematic statement, but it could benefit from a more personal touch. Adding a brief anecdote or emotional reflection could deepen the audience's connection to her character and the stakes involved.
  • Tiff's line about not crying during a felony adds humor and lightens the mood, but it might feel slightly out of place given the gravity of the situation. Consider whether this moment serves the overall tone or if it detracts from the seriousness of their actions.
  • The visual elements, such as Mara standing on the desk and addressing the crowd, create a vivid image of empowerment. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further in the environment, such as the sounds of the crowd or the atmosphere in the bank.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection from Mara before her speech, allowing her to connect emotionally with the audience and the viewers at home. This could enhance the impact of her message.
  • Smooth the transition between the Mayor's office and the bank lobby by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two locations, such as the sound of the crowd cheering or a shot of the bank from the Mayor's perspective.
  • Explore the possibility of Tiff's line being rephrased or placed in a different context to maintain the humor without undermining the gravity of the situation. Perhaps she could express her emotions in a more serious way that still retains her character's humor.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing the sounds of the crowd, the atmosphere in the bank, or even the expressions on the faces of the people watching. This will help to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of tension or conflict during Mara's speech, such as a reaction from Caulfield or the crowd that challenges her message, which could heighten the stakes and create a more dynamic scene.



Scene 54 -  Divided Loyalties
INT. BANK – LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

Carl adjusts the livestream angle. He’s now pacing like a
journalist on Election Night.

CARL
We’ve got three news trucks
outside, two drone cameras
overhead, and I just got followed
by TMZ.

TIFF
TMZ?! We’re not even D-list felons
yet.


JULES
Speak for yourself. I dated a
magician who opened for Criss Angel
once.

Suddenly — Derek’s tablet *DINGS* with a message.

DEREK
Uh... you all might want to see
this.

He holds it up:


**“EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS OFFER – TRUE CRIME STREAMER NETWORK –
$250K”**

JULES
(reading)
They want our story... with
merchandising rights?

TIFF
I want an action figure that yells
“IT’S A SETUP!” when you pull the
string.

MARA
Focus. We’re not selling this. We
didn’t do it for money.

JULES
Right... But a three-episode
docuseries wouldn’t hurt.

Beat. Tension creeps in.

RITA
Just so I’m clear... if we *were*
to walk out now — do we get
immunity?

MARA
What?

RITA
There’s a statement draft from the
regional VP... It singles *me* out
as a “reluctant whistleblower.” The
hero narrative.

TIFF
Oh hell no. You’re not pulling a
solo redemption arc.


JULES
Rita, this was *our* mess. You
wanna clean it up, you do it *with*
us.

RITA
I just want my life back.

MARA
We all do. But we finish this
*together*. That was the deal.

Rita nods — but something’s changed. A flicker of doubt in
her eyes.

---
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the bank lobby, Carl anxiously sets up a livestream as the group grapples with unexpected media attention and a lucrative offer for their story. While Tiff and Jules joke about potential merchandising, Mara insists on unity, opposing Rita's desire to leave for personal safety. Tension escalates as Rita reveals a draft statement that could grant her immunity, leading to a heated debate about their future. Ultimately, Rita agrees to stay with the group, but her lingering doubts highlight the unresolved conflict within.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Balanced tone
Weaknesses
  • Rita's sudden doubt could be further developed for consistency

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively balances humor, tension, and reflection, providing depth to the characters and advancing the plot. The dialogue is engaging, and the internal conflict adds layers to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the crew facing a moral dilemma about selling their story to the media is compelling and adds depth to the characters. The scene effectively explores themes of loyalty, redemption, and personal growth.

Plot: 8.7

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the crew grapples with the decision to sell their story. The internal conflict adds complexity to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of loyalty and integrity in the face of temptation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of loyalty, doubt, and humor, enriching the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters experience significant internal changes in this scene, particularly Rita, who grapples with her desire for redemption and her fear of the consequences. The crew's dynamics shift as they confront their motivations and loyalties.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain unity and loyalty among the group of characters. This reflects their deeper need for trust and solidarity in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate a potential deal with the true crime streamer network and decide whether to sell their story for money or maintain their integrity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.7

The internal conflict within the crew creates a high level of tension and uncertainty, driving the scene forward. The clash of motivations and loyalties adds complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the crew must decide whether to sell their story to the media, potentially exposing themselves to further risks. The outcome of their decision could have significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial decision point for the crew. Their dilemma sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' decisions and the shifting dynamics within the group. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on selling their story for profit versus staying true to their values and principles. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to tension to reflection. The characters' internal struggles resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor with tension and reflection. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and internal conflicts, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high-stakes situation, and the moral dilemmas they face. The dialogue and action keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The technical writing proficiency is evident.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and absurdity of the situation, with Carl's pacing and the humorous dialogue setting a lively tone. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue exchanges to maintain momentum and avoid any potential lulls.
  • The introduction of the exclusive rights offer adds a layer of conflict and raises the stakes, but the transition into this revelation feels a bit abrupt. It would benefit from a smoother lead-in that builds anticipation for the news Derek presents.
  • Rita's desire for a solo redemption arc introduces an interesting internal conflict, but her motivations could be more clearly defined. The scene hints at her struggle, but a stronger emotional connection to her past and what she stands to gain or lose would enhance the audience's investment in her character.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, but some lines, particularly Tiff's action figure comment, could be streamlined to maintain focus on the central conflict. While humor is essential, it should not detract from the gravity of their situation.
  • The flicker of doubt in Rita's eyes at the end is a strong visual cue, but it could be emphasized further with a brief internal monologue or a flashback that illustrates her past struggles, making her decision more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a pause after Derek reveals the exclusive rights offer to heighten the tension and allow the characters to process the implications of the news.
  • Enhance Rita's character arc by incorporating a line or two that reflects her past experiences and why she feels the need for a redemption arc, making her conflict more relatable and compelling.
  • Streamline some of the humorous dialogue to ensure it complements the scene's tension rather than distracts from it. Focus on maintaining a balance between humor and the seriousness of their predicament.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters more deeply, perhaps through non-verbal cues or reactions, to illustrate the growing tension and differing motivations within the group.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or emotional hook that leaves the audience eager to see how the conflict will unfold, such as a close-up of Rita's conflicted expression or a dramatic shift in the atmosphere as they contemplate their next move.



Scene 55 -  The Empty Vault
INT. BANK VAULT CORRIDOR – LATER

The crew walks down the narrow hallway toward the vault. Carl
follows with the livestream.

TIFF
You ever think we’d end up back
here — breaking *in* instead of
locking up cash?

MARA
Life’s weird like that.

She pulls out a keycard. Swipes it. *BEEP.*

The vault door CREAKS open.

They step inside...


INT. BANK VAULT – CONTINUOUS

...to find it *empty*.

No money. No safety deposit boxes. Just dust and a few
plastic-wrapped crates marked “FUSION FUEL – INTERIM
STORAGE.”

JULES
Is this a vault... or a weird IKEA
closet?

DEREK
These crates... they’re from the
redevelopment team. The vault’s
being converted.


CARL
So we were gonna rob a vault full
of hydrogen brochures?

TIFF
I can’t die in a bank filled with
science projects.

MARA
Forget the vault. The truth’s out.
That’s what matters.

They all exchange a look.

Then, from behind them—

VOICE (O.S.)
Actually... the truth is just
beginning.

They turn.

CAULFIELD steps out of the shadows.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit bank vault corridor, the crew discovers the vault is empty except for crates labeled 'FUSION FUEL – INTERIM STORAGE.' Disappointment and confusion arise as they grapple with the unexpected situation, with Mara emphasizing the importance of truth amidst Carl's sarcasm. Tiff expresses her frustration, while Derek provides context about the crates' significance. Just as they begin to process their findings, Caulfield emerges from the shadows, hinting at deeper revelations and leaving the crew in suspense.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Compelling plot twist
  • Strong character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and skepticism to reveal a significant plot twist while advancing the story and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing the truth in an unexpected way adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged. The shift from a traditional heist to a symbolic act of exposing corruption is innovative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the revelation of the empty vault and the introduction of Caulfield as a new source of conflict. The scene sets up future developments while resolving previous tensions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by subverting expectations and focusing on character growth rather than the heist itself. The dialogue feels authentic and adds a layer of complexity to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the empty vault and Caulfield's appearance showcase their individual personalities and motivations. The scene deepens the audience's understanding of the crew and sets up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and motivations, the scene primarily focuses on revealing new information and setting up future conflicts. The characters' reactions hint at potential changes to come.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and come to terms with the unexpected turn of events. This reflects their desire for closure and understanding in a situation that has taken an unexpected twist.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully rob the bank vault and secure valuable items. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The introduction of Caulfield as a new source of conflict raises the stakes and adds tension to the scene. The crew's confrontation with her sets up a significant conflict that will drive future events.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the characters' goals and create uncertainty for the audience. The unexpected twist adds a layer of complexity to the heist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the introduction of Caulfield and the revelation of the empty vault, signaling a shift in the crew's mission and the potential consequences of their actions. The scene sets up a high-stakes confrontation to come.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict with Caulfield, revealing the empty vault, and setting up the crew's next steps in their mission to expose corruption. The narrative progresses in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the audience's expectations of a typical heist scenario. The empty vault and unexpected twist add a layer of mystery and intrigue to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between material wealth and personal truth. The characters must confront the emptiness of the vault and prioritize the importance of the truth over material gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from defiance to hopefulness to skepticism, creating a complex emotional landscape for the characters and the audience. The revelation in the vault adds emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and skepticism, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations. The interactions feel natural and contribute to the scene's overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, unexpected plot twist, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery of the empty vault and the characters' reactions to the revelation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing new information, and allowing for character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a surprising twist, and character revelations. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, with the crew's humorous reactions to finding an empty vault filled with crates instead of money. This aligns well with the overall tone of the screenplay, which balances humor and serious themes.
  • The dialogue is witty and character-driven, particularly Tiff's line about not wanting to die in a bank filled with science projects. This adds depth to her character while maintaining the comedic tone.
  • Mara's line about the truth being what matters serves as a thematic anchor for the scene, reinforcing the crew's motivations and the overarching narrative about exposing corruption. However, it could benefit from a stronger emotional resonance or personal connection to Mara's journey.
  • The introduction of Caulfield at the end of the scene creates a cliffhanger that effectively raises the stakes. However, the transition from the crew's lighthearted banter to the serious confrontation could be smoother to maintain narrative flow.
  • The visual elements, such as the empty vault and the crates labeled 'FUSION FUEL,' are intriguing and set up a sense of mystery. However, more descriptive language could enhance the imagery and atmosphere, making the setting feel more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Mara that connects her statement about the truth to her personal stakes in the situation. This could deepen the emotional impact of her character's journey.
  • Enhance the transition to Caulfield's entrance by building tension in the dialogue or actions leading up to it. Perhaps include a moment where the crew senses something is off before he appears, heightening the suspense.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to describe the vault and its emptiness. This could include sounds, smells, or visual cues that emphasize the disappointment and absurdity of their discovery.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters further in this scene. For example, how does each character feel about the empty vault? Adding brief reactions or comments could enrich their personalities and relationships.
  • Consider using Caulfield's entrance to create a more dramatic shift in tone. Perhaps he could deliver a line that contrasts sharply with the crew's humor, emphasizing the seriousness of the situation and the stakes involved.



Scene 56 -  The Ultimatum in the Vault
INT. BANK VAULT – CONTINUOUS

The women freeze. CAULFIELD (50s), smug and suddenly
important again, stands in the shadows, flanked by TWO
PRIVATE SECURITY GUARDS in ill-fitting suits.

CAULFIELD
I’ll admit — I didn’t expect a
livestream. Or fan merch.

But I did expect you’d eventually come crawling back to the
scene of the crime.

TIFF
Oh, look. It’s middle management’s
final boss.

JULES
Security? Really? What, the retired
mall cops were busy?

Caulfield walks slowly around the vault, savoring the moment.

CAULFIELD
See, here’s the thing — you didn’t
just humiliate a bank.

You humiliated *me*. And unlike a corporation, I take that
personally.


MARA
Why are you here, Caulfield?

CAULFIELD
Because unlike you three, I
*planned ahead*.
(beat)
The regional VP’s offer? That
immunity deal?

It was *mine*. I’m the one who told them to throw you a bone.

JULES
And what do you want in return? Our
souls? Our subscriber list?

CAULFIELD
Just one simple thing.

You walk out that door, turn yourselves in... and say this
was *my idea*. I’ll take the fall. The press will love it —
the disgruntled insider who cracked.

MARA
You’re offering to be the face of
the movement... if we lie?

CAULFIELD
I’m offering you freedom. And maybe
a book deal if your agent’s half
decent.

He holds up a CONTRACT — pre-drafted statement, press
release, and NDA.

RITA stares at it a little too long.

TIFF
Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re
tempted.

RITA
You said it yourself... we’re
broke. We’re screwed.

And this? It’s clean. No charges. Just a handshake and a
scapegoat.

CARL, quietly filming from behind a vault crate, adjusts his
angle.


CARL
(whispering to himself)
...And this is where the cracks
begin to show.

MARA steps forward, voice calm.

MARA
Why you, Caulfield?

CAULFIELD
Because I know how to control a
narrative.
(beat)
And because the vault might be
empty — but I’ve still got
*leverage*.

He nods to one of the guards, who opens a crate.

Inside: **surveillance footage hard drives** — dusty but
intact.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
All the old security footage.

You think I don’t have a few... *embarrassing* clips from
your days here?

He locks eyes with Mara.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
You want to be a hero? Or do you
want to keep your daughter from
seeing what you did with the money
on June 12th, 2018?

Silence. That one *lands*.

TIFF
Low blow, man.

JULES
She was trying to help her family,
you sociopathic tuna melt.

MARA says nothing. Then—

MARA
(turns to Rita)
You still think he’s our way out?

RITA looks between them... uncertain.


CAULFIELD
Clock’s ticking.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense confrontation within a dimly lit bank vault, Caulfield reveals his control over the situation, offering the women a deal to take the fall for their actions in exchange for immunity and potential book deals. As the clock ticks, the women grapple with the moral implications of his proposition, with Mara feeling the weight of his threats and Rita torn between loyalty and temptation. The scene builds suspense as they debate their options, leaving their fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High-stakes negotiation
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in negotiation outcomes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-crafted with intense dialogue, high stakes, and character dynamics that drive the narrative forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of a negotiation with personal stakes and leverage adds depth to the scene, highlighting the power dynamics at play.

Plot: 8.7

The plot advances significantly through the negotiation, revealing character motivations and escalating the conflict to a critical point.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on moral dilemmas and personal integrity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the tension of the scene, showcasing their individual strengths and vulnerabilities.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience shifts in their beliefs and loyalties during the negotiation, leading to potential changes in their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain their integrity and loyalty to their cause despite the tempting offer of freedom and a book deal. This reflects their deeper need for justice and authenticity.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to resist Caulfield's offer and protect their movement from being co-opted by corporate interests. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining their principles in the face of personal gain.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with personal, professional, and moral stakes colliding in the negotiation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caulfield presenting a formidable challenge to the protagonists' goals and beliefs, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The negotiation scene is high-stakes, with personal secrets, leverage, and the characters' futures on the line, raising the tension to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and moral choices that keep the audience guessing about the characters' decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between personal integrity and external pressure to compromise for personal gain. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes tension, defiance, and anxiety, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the conflicting motivations of the characters, adding depth to the negotiation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and sharp dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy confrontation in a screenplay, with clear character actions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense confrontation in a heist narrative, with escalating stakes and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by introducing Caulfield as a formidable antagonist, which raises the stakes for the women. His smug demeanor and the presence of security guards create an immediate sense of danger and urgency.
  • The dialogue is sharp and witty, particularly the exchanges between Caulfield and the women. Tiff and Jules' sarcastic remarks provide comic relief while also highlighting their defiance against authority, which is a strong character trait.
  • Mara's calm demeanor in the face of Caulfield's threats showcases her growth throughout the screenplay, emphasizing her leadership qualities. However, the emotional weight of the situation could be further explored to deepen the audience's connection to her internal conflict.
  • The introduction of the surveillance footage as leverage is a clever plot device that raises the stakes and adds complexity to the moral dilemma the women face. It effectively forces them to confront their past mistakes, which can resonate with the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-structured, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to the revelation of the surveillance footage. However, the scene could benefit from a more pronounced emotional climax, perhaps through a more intense reaction from Mara or the others when faced with the footage.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or emotional turmoil for Mara when Caulfield reveals the surveillance footage. This could enhance the stakes and provide a deeper insight into her character's struggles.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the characters, such as body language or facial expressions, to convey their emotional states more vividly. This can help the audience feel the tension and stakes more acutely.
  • Explore the dynamics between the women more deeply, particularly Rita's temptation to accept Caulfield's offer. A brief flashback or a moment of reflection could illustrate her internal conflict and make her decision more impactful.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene by describing the vault's atmosphere more vividly. The contrast between the dusty crates and the high-stakes negotiation could be emphasized to heighten the tension.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional hook or cliffhanger that leaves the audience eager to see how the women will respond to Caulfield's ultimatum, perhaps through a powerful line from Mara or a dramatic action.



Scene 57 -  Turning the Tables
INT. BANK VAULT – CONTINUOUS

RITA stares at the NDA. Pen trembling in her hand.

CAULFIELD
You get a clean slate, Rita. No
charges. No media circus. Just walk
away... like it never happened.

MARA
Like it never mattered.

RITA
Mara, we were never gonna win. Look
at us.

MARA
I *am* looking. And I see the woman
who called out fraud when no one
else would.

Who kept showing up, even after they cut her hours, her pay —
her dignity. Don’t hand that story to *him*.

TIFF
And let’s be real — Caulfield
doesn’t want to take the fall. He
wants to take the credit.

CAULFIELD
I *created* this opportunity.

JULES
Bro, you showed up *after* the
TikTok went viral. Calm down.

Carl edges closer behind a vault crate — still filming.
Caulfield hasn’t noticed.

CARL
(whispering)
And here’s the part where the
villain monologues...

CAULFIELD
Here’s what’s going to happen. You
three sign the statement. We go
out, arm-in-arm, a symbol of
corporate redemption.


Everyone wins. Or... I hit send.

He holds up a USB stick.

CAULFIELD (CONT’D)
This has the 2018 footage. I’ve
already emailed it to myself. One
click, and it goes to every outlet
that’s asked for comment.

MARA
It was $800. For insulin. My
daughter was in the hospital.

CAULFIELD
Try explaining that in a courtroom.

JULES
Try explaining *this*.

Carl finally stands — phone raised.

CARL
We’ve been live for fifteen
minutes, Caulfield.

You’re the villain. Smile for the internet.

Caulfield freezes.

CAMERA ANGLE (ON
PHONE):

Thousands watching. Comments flying.

**“Cancel Caulfield.”** **“Let the women speak!”**


**“HE’S BLACKMAILING A MOM?!”**

CAULFIELD
(turning red)
Turn that off!

CARL
Too late. It’s been clipped, memed,
and remixed.

JULES
Ooh, someone just autotuned your
threat.


TIFF
Damn, that’s catchy. "Try
explaining thaaaat in a
courtroom..."

CAULFIELD lunges for Carl — but Mara steps between them.

MARA
You're done, Caulfield. This time,
*everyone* saw it.

Police SIRENS wail outside.

CARL
Oh, right. I called them... but
like ten minutes ago. So, y’know.
They’re late. As usual.

CAULFIELD
You idiots don’t know what you’ve
done.

MARA
Actually... we do.

JULES
We went viral. With receipts.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense bank vault confrontation, Rita hesitates to sign a non-disclosure agreement from the self-serving Caulfield, who threatens to release damaging footage. Mara passionately defends Rita's integrity, while Carl secretly films the encounter, revealing they are live-streaming to thousands. The women counter Caulfield's threats with their own viral evidence against him. As police sirens wail outside, it becomes clear that they have successfully turned the tables on their oppressor.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Humorous moments
  • Use of social media as a plot device
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Potential for cliched villain monologue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, blending tension, humor, and defiance effectively. The use of social media as a tool to shift power dynamics adds a modern twist to the narrative, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of using social media as a weapon against a corrupt authority figure is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively explores themes of truth, justice, and the power of collective action in the digital age.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is gripping, with a clear conflict between the crew and Caulfield driving the action forward. The revelation of Caulfield's blackmail attempt and the crew's response create a compelling narrative arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on corporate corruption and the role of social media in exposing wrongdoing. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are well-developed, each contributing to the scene with their unique personalities and motivations. Mara's leadership, Carl's humor, and Caulfield's arrogance create a dynamic interplay that drives the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 9

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' resolve and unity are reinforced, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future events.

Internal Goal: 9

Rita's internal goal is to stand up for what is right and not let Caulfield manipulate the situation. She wants to maintain her integrity and not let him control the narrative.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to expose Caulfield's corruption and prevent him from blackmailing them into signing a statement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Caulfield's blackmail attempt creating high stakes for the crew. The confrontation between the characters is charged with emotion and defiance, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caulfield's manipulation and the characters' resistance creating a compelling conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Caulfield's blackmail threat putting the crew's mission and personal lives in jeopardy. The use of social media to expose Caulfield adds a layer of complexity and urgency to the conflict.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, with the crew's confrontation with Caulfield leading to a major turning point in their mission. The revelation of Caulfield's manipulation and the crew's response set the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the characters' surprising actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between standing up for justice and integrity versus succumbing to pressure and manipulation for personal gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of defiance, empowerment, and tension. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate with the audience, creating a sense of catharsis and satisfaction.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and impactful, capturing the tension and humor of the scene. The characters' exchanges reveal their relationships, beliefs, and emotions, adding depth to the confrontation with Caulfield.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and conflict effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing the characters in a high-stakes situation with Caulfield's ultimatum. However, the stakes could be heightened further by emphasizing the emotional weight of the NDA for Rita, perhaps through more internal conflict or flashbacks that illustrate her struggles.
  • Mara's dialogue is strong and empowering, but it could benefit from more specificity regarding the fraud she is fighting against. This would deepen the audience's understanding of her motivations and make her argument more compelling.
  • The humor introduced by Carl and Jules provides a nice contrast to the tension, but it risks undermining the gravity of the moment. Balancing the comedic elements with the serious stakes is crucial; consider whether the humor serves the scene or distracts from it.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Caulfield's threat to the revelation of the livestream could be smoother. A moment of silence or a beat of realization could enhance the impact of Carl's reveal.
  • The dialogue is engaging, but some lines, particularly Caulfield's, could be more concise. For example, instead of saying, 'You idiots don’t know what you’ve done,' he could say something more pointed that reflects his character's arrogance and desperation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Rita reflects on her past struggles with the fraud, perhaps through a brief flashback or a more emotional internal monologue, to heighten the stakes of her decision.
  • Enhance Mara's argument by including specific examples of the fraud she is fighting against, which would make her stance more relatable and urgent for the audience.
  • Evaluate the balance of humor and tension; if the humor feels out of place, consider toning it down or ensuring it serves to elevate the stakes rather than distract from them.
  • Add a brief pause or beat after Caulfield's threat before revealing the livestream, allowing the tension to build and making the reveal more impactful.
  • Revise Caulfield's dialogue to be more succinct and impactful, reflecting his character's desperation and arrogance while maintaining the tension of the scene.



Scene 58 -  Whistleblowers' Triumph
INT. BANK VAULT – CONTINUOUS

CAULFIELD stands stunned, red-faced, breathing heavily.

OUTSIDE:

SIRENS grow louder. MEDIA VOICES and a growing CROWD.

CARL
(over his livestream)
Welcome back, besties. If you’re
just joining — our corporate
villain is mid-meltdown, and yes,
that *is* the police pulling up.
Let's manifest justice.

CAULFIELD
(to the guards)
Grab the footage. We’re leaving.

But the guards hesitate. One checks his phone... sees the
livestream.


GUARD #1
Bro... we’re trending. Like,
*internationally*.

JULES
Careful. That kind of fame comes
with sequels.

TIFF
And lawsuits.


EXT. FIRST FEDERAL BANK – SAME

Two POLICE CARS pull up. A CROWD of ONLOOKERS and REPORTERS
has gathered.

Signs: **“FREE THE BANK SISTERS!”** / **“EAT THE RICH
(LEGALLY)”**

Reporters shove mics forward.

REPORTER
Can you confirm if this is a
hostage situation or a TikTok
protest?

OFFICER #1
Honestly? We’re still figuring that
out.


INT. BANK VAULT – CONTINUOUS

POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
(through bullhorn)
This is the police. We ask all
parties to exit peacefully. And...
uh... no more livestreaming,
please?

CARL
Sorry, Sergeant. The internet’s
already married to this narrative.

CAULFIELD
You think public sympathy will save
you?

MARA
It already has.

She walks to the vault door and flings it open — bold.


MARA (CONT’D)
We’re not hostages. We’re not
criminals.

We’re whistleblowers, mothers, workers... and extremely
online.

JULES
And we brought receipts.

CAULFIELD
If you step out that door, you’ll
be arrested.

TIFF
Nah. *You* will.

CARL
Smile for the final shot,
Caulfield.


INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

They walk toward the front.

Police tense — but the crowd *cheers* as the trio emerges.


CAMERA FLASHES.

LIVESTREAM
COMMENTS:


**“ICONIC.”**


**“GIVE THEM A NETFLIX DEAL.”**

**“Cops can’t arrest įmain charactersį.”**

The OFFICERS exchange looks — then quietly handcuff...
**Caulfield**.

CAULFIELD
What—? I *offered* them immunity!

OFFICER #2
Cool. Tell it to the livestream.


JULES
(whispers to Mara)
Think now’s a good time to plug our
merch?

TIFF
Later. Right now we let the world
finish clapping.

FREEZE FRAME as the trio exits to a sea of cheers,
flashbulbs, and absurdity.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a chaotic bank vault scene, Caulfield is stunned as sirens and media voices escalate outside. Carl livestreams the unfolding drama, while hesitant guards grapple with the viral attention. Mara boldly declares the group as whistleblowers, supported by Jules and Tiff. As they exit the vault, the crowd cheers, leading to the police arresting Caulfield instead of the trio. The scene concludes with the trio basking in applause, signaling a shift in public perception.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective use of humor and tension
Weaknesses
  • Potential for the scene to become too chaotic with multiple characters and plotlines

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted, blending humor, drama, and tension effectively. It keeps the audience engaged with its witty dialogue, character dynamics, and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on a group of characters challenging a corrupt system, is engaging and relevant. The use of humor and defiance adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience invested.

Plot: 9.1

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with a clear goal for the characters and a series of escalating conflicts that lead to a satisfying resolution. The twists and turns keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a social media-driven protest against corporate greed and injustice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, offering a unique take on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters in the scene are well-defined, each with their own motivations and personalities. The interactions between the characters drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, from standing up against injustice to facing their fears and making bold decisions. These character arcs add depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to stand up for their beliefs and values, to challenge the status quo, and to make a statement about social justice.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to make a dramatic exit from the bank vault, to challenge the police and corporate authority, and to gain public support for their cause.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.1

The conflict in the scene is intense and engaging, with the characters facing off against authority figures and risking arrest to expose corruption. The stakes are high, adding tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's goals, but not so overwhelming that the outcome is predictable. The audience is kept engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters risking arrest and facing off against authority figures to expose corruption. The tension and suspense keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the characters taking decisive actions that have a lasting impact on the plot. The resolution sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the protest. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in social justice and the establishment's desire to maintain control and order. It challenges the protagonist's worldview and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with moments of humor, defiance, and empowerment resonating with the audience. The characters' struggles and triumphs evoke a range of emotions.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and engaging. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of tension, humor, and social commentary. The fast-paced action and witty dialogue keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining momentum, and allowing for moments of humor and reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension established in previous moments, showcasing the characters' transformation from hostages to empowered whistleblowers. This shift is both satisfying and timely, as it aligns with the overarching theme of reclaiming agency.
  • The dialogue is sharp and humorous, particularly Carl's commentary during the livestream, which adds a layer of absurdity to the situation. This humor balances the tension and keeps the audience engaged, making the characters relatable and likable.
  • The use of social media and public perception as a narrative device is clever and timely, reflecting contemporary issues around activism and the power of viral content. The comments from the livestream add a meta layer to the scene, enhancing the comedic tone while also highlighting the characters' unexpected fame.
  • The pacing is brisk, maintaining a sense of urgency as the police arrive and the stakes escalate. The quick exchanges between characters keep the momentum going, ensuring that the audience remains invested in the outcome.
  • However, the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional arc for the characters, particularly Mara. While she is assertive and confident, a moment of vulnerability or reflection could deepen her character and make her triumph feel more earned. This would also enhance the emotional stakes of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Mara reflects on her journey or the implications of their actions before they exit the vault. This could provide a more profound emotional payoff and deepen the audience's connection to her character.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters further, especially in moments of tension. A quick exchange that highlights their camaraderie or individual fears could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Incorporate more visual elements that emphasize the absurdity of the situation, such as exaggerated reactions from the crowd or police. This could heighten the comedic tone and make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Ensure that the stakes are clear for the audience. While the characters are confident, a line or two that underscores the potential consequences of their actions could heighten the tension and make their victory feel more significant.
  • Consider varying the tone slightly in the final moments to reflect the gravity of their actions. A mix of humor and seriousness could create a more nuanced conclusion, emphasizing the impact of their protest while still celebrating their triumph.



Scene 59 -  Empowered Activism: The Rise of 'Bank On It'
EXT. BANK STEPS – LATER THAT DAY

MARA, TIFF, and JULES stand before microphones. Behind them,
Caulfield is shoved into a cruiser, shouting something no one
cares about.


FLASHES. CHEERS.

MARA
We’re not heroes. We’re just three
broke women who got fed up.

TIFF
And had surprisingly good wigs.

JULES
Also, follow me on Insta. Link in
bio.

CUT TO:


INT. DAYTIME TALK SHOW SET – DAYS LATER

The trio sits on a couch opposite a SMILING HOST.

TV HOST
They’ve been called the “Robin
Hoods of Retail Banking.”

They’ve inspired protests, a Hulu doc, and at least three
knockoff TikTok dances.

TIFF
One of which threw my back out.


LAUGHTER.

JULES
The important thing is — we didn’t
steal anything.

We exposed corruption, wore disguises, and went viral without
even robbing a bank.

Honestly, that’s harder.

MARA
And we’re launching a nonprofit:
*Bank On It*.

Helping low-income women fight corporate injustice — and
maybe start their own heists.

TV HOST
Kidding?

MARA
Am I?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Mara, Tiff, and Jules address a crowd on the steps of a bank, humorously downplaying their recent actions against corruption that led to Caulfield's arrest. They transition to a daytime talk show, where they discuss their newfound fame and plans for their nonprofit, 'Bank On It,' aimed at helping low-income women combat corporate injustice. The scene is light-hearted and celebratory, showcasing their confidence and humor while addressing societal perceptions of their activism.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and drama
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Subdued conflict
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively combines humor, drama, and social commentary to create an engaging and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exposing corruption through unconventional means and the formation of a nonprofit organization adds depth and relevance to the scene.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, as the trio's actions lead to media attention, social impact, and the establishment of a new organization.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on activism and social justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, showcasing their humor, determination, and camaraderie.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes as they reflect on their journey and the impact of their activism, leading to personal growth and a sense of empowerment.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert their agency and challenge societal norms. They want to be seen as more than just criminals and to make a positive impact on the world.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to launch a nonprofit organization and continue their activism against corporate injustice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

While there is conflict present, it is more subdued in this scene, focusing more on the aftermath of the trio's actions and the resolution of their story.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' journey.

High Stakes: 8

While the stakes are not life-threatening, the characters face the consequences of their actions and the potential impact on their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving the conflict with Caulfield, introducing a new organization, and setting the stage for the trio's future endeavors.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the subversion of traditional heist tropes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonists' unconventional methods of fighting injustice and the societal perception of their actions. It challenges traditional ideas of heroism and legality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.3

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from laughter to inspiration, as the characters navigate the consequences of their actions.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reflective of each character's unique voice, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, dynamic characters, and the intriguing premise of activist bank robbers.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the celebratory aftermath of the trio's actions, but it could benefit from deeper emotional resonance. While the humor is present, exploring the characters' feelings about their newfound fame and the consequences of their actions could add depth.
  • The dialogue is witty and aligns with the established tone of the screenplay, but it feels somewhat superficial. Adding a moment of reflection or vulnerability from Mara, Tiff, or Jules could enhance the audience's connection to their journey.
  • The transition from the bank steps to the talk show set is abrupt. A brief moment showing the characters processing their victory before moving to the next scene could create a smoother narrative flow and allow for character development.
  • The humor in Tiff's line about her back injury is effective, but it might overshadow the gravity of their situation. Balancing humor with moments of sincerity could strengthen the impact of their message about corporate injustice.
  • The mention of launching a nonprofit is a strong conclusion, but it feels slightly rushed. Expanding on their motivations for starting 'Bank On It' and how they plan to make a difference could provide a more satisfying resolution to their arc.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a brief moment of reflection where the characters express their feelings about the chaos they've just experienced, perhaps through a shared joke or a serious acknowledgment of their actions.
  • Consider adding a line or two that highlights the personal stakes for each character, such as how their experiences with corporate injustice have affected them individually.
  • Smooth the transition between the bank steps and the talk show by including a short montage of their rise to fame, showcasing social media reactions or news coverage that leads into the talk show appearance.
  • Balance the humor with a more serious tone by allowing one of the characters to express concern about the implications of their actions, reinforcing the theme of accountability.
  • Expand on the nonprofit idea by including a specific anecdote or goal that illustrates their commitment to helping others, making their mission feel more tangible and relatable.



Scene 60 -  Mission Possible: The Rise of Legends
INT. NEW OFFICE – “BANK ON IT” – WEEKS LATER

A clean, bright office. Community flyers. A mural of the
three women drawn like saints.

CARL walks in wearing a “#TeamVaultQueens” T-shirt. He’s the
new intern.

CARL
I refilled the LaCroix and set up
the livestream. Also, some guy
wants to option your story for a
movie.

JULES
Only if Margot Robbie plays me.

TIFF
Girl, be realistic. You’re totally
Ana de Armas.

MARA
Guys, let’s focus.

They gather around a new mission board:

**“Target: Student Loan Predators”**


TIFF
Well, it *is* still technically
robbery...

MARA
Let’s give 'em something to cry
about.

JULES
And this time, matching jumpsuits?

They nod.

FINAL FREEZE
FRAME:


**THEY DIDN’T SET OUT TO BE LEGENDS.**


**BUT THEY KNEW WHERE THE CAMERAS WERE.**


SMASH TO BLACK.

CUE MUSIC: *“Money (That’s What I Want)” Remix*


ROLL CREDITS.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a bright office adorned with community flyers and a mural of three women as saints, Carl, the new intern, shares updates about refilling drinks and a potential movie deal. Jules humorously suggests Margot Robbie for her role, while Tiff playfully counters with Ana de Armas. Mara redirects the conversation to their mission against student loan predators, leading to a light-hearted discussion about matching jumpsuits for their campaign. The scene concludes with a freeze frame and a statement about their unexpected rise to legend status.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Balanced tone of humor and drama
  • Clear thematic focus
Weaknesses
  • Potential for predictability in future missions
  • Limited exploration of external conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is engaging, combining humor, drama, and inspiration effectively. It sets up a new direction for the characters while maintaining the tone and themes established throughout the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the trio's evolution and their commitment to social justice, is well-developed and executed. It builds on previous events while setting up future storylines.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mission for the characters and resolving previous conflicts. It maintains the audience's interest and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the vigilante genre by focusing on a group of women targeting student loan predators. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene forward and provide depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes as they embrace their new mission and reflect on their past actions. These changes add depth to their arcs and set up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain focus and unity within the group as they embark on a new mission. This reflects their deeper desire to make a difference and seek justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to target student loan predators and give them something to cry about. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their vigilante mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters navigate their new mission and the consequences of their past actions. It adds tension and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, with the group facing challenges in their vigilante mission.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters embark on a new mission and face the consequences of their past actions. The scene sets up challenges and opportunities for growth, adding tension and excitement.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mission, resolving conflicts, and setting up future plotlines. It maintains the momentum of the screenplay and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of targeting student loan predators and the humor in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the moral ambiguity of their actions - targeting student loan predators could be seen as robbery, but the group believes it is justified. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending humor with moments of inspiration and defiance. It resonates with the audience and creates a sense of connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 9.3

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reflective of each character's personality. It adds humor, drama, and depth to the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, humor, and the introduction of a new mission for the group.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, leading to a satisfying conclusion with the freeze frame moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue, and a final freeze frame moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the light-hearted tone and camaraderie of the characters after their tumultuous journey, showcasing their growth and newfound purpose. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance individuality and make each character's personality shine through more clearly.
  • The humor in the dialogue, particularly the banter about casting choices, is engaging but may come off as slightly superficial given the serious context of their previous actions. It might be more impactful to balance humor with a moment of reflection on their past experiences and the gravity of their new mission.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the freeze frame is a stylistic choice, it might be more effective to include a brief moment of reflection or a line that connects their past actions to their current mission, reinforcing the theme of growth and purpose.
  • The mission board is a great visual element that signifies their new focus, but it could be enhanced by including specific details or a brief discussion about their strategy against student loan predators. This would provide more context and depth to their new mission, making it feel more substantial.
  • The final lines are catchy and encapsulate the essence of the characters' journey, but they could be strengthened by incorporating a more poignant or thought-provoking statement that ties back to their motivations and the impact they hope to achieve.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reflects on their past experiences and how they have shaped their current mission. This could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Enhance character differentiation by giving each character a unique way of expressing their humor or perspective on the new mission. This will help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Include a brief discussion about their strategy against student loan predators to provide context and make their new mission feel more concrete and actionable.
  • Think about incorporating a moment of silence or reflection before diving into the humor, allowing the characters to acknowledge the seriousness of their past while still maintaining their light-hearted dynamic.
  • Revise the final lines to include a more impactful statement that encapsulates their journey and aspirations, reinforcing the themes of empowerment and activism.