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Scene 1 -  Suspicions and Surprises in the Ladies Room
INT. LADIES ROOM - MORNING

JENNY Bradford (white 35) exits a stall. WHITNEY Richards
(black 45) stands at the mirror. They talk like sisters.

JENNY
I'm just saying where there's smoke
there's fire. If you think he's
cheating, he's probably cheating.

WHITNEY
I know but I can't prove it.

JENNY
Get Steve in pre-screen to run a
GPS trace. Find out where he's
been. Better yet, have Richie in IT
pull up his texts.

WHITNEY
Shit, you know that bum's got a
burner and his dumb ass thinks I
don't know. Besides, Steve got
suspended for stalking his ex and
Richie keeps asking me for nudes.

JENNY
I already reported that little
creep to HR. Besides, if anyone
deserves to see you naked it's me.

DIRECTOR WEAVER, an elegant, smartly dressed woman in her
mid 60's, enters the restroom. The ladies greet their boss.

WHITNEY & JENNY
Good morning, Madame Director.

Nodding wordlessly to the pair, the statuesque executive
strides in stilettos to a vacant stall and shuts the door.

JENNY
God, I love that woman.

WHITNEY
I want to be her when I grow up.

JENNY
(whispers)
I bet her farts smell like Chanel
Number 5.

DIRECTOR WEAVER (O.C.)
You know I can hear you, ladies.
2.


JENNY
Sorry, Madame Director. I meant it
in the best possible way.

DIRECTOR WEAVER (O.C.)
I'm sure you did. Get over to
Intake for debriefing. I want this
episode to go off without a hitch.
It's our season finale, and we
can't afford any goddamn surprises.

WHITNEY
Yes, of course. Right away.

Whitney puts away her makeup and Jenny washes up. The pair
turn to leave when they hear a soft squeak of flatulence.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jenny Bradford offers advice to her friend Whitney Richards about her suspicions that her husband is cheating. They discuss ways to track his activities, including using work resources. The Director, Weaver, enters the restroom and reminds them of the importance of their upcoming episode, creating a momentary power dynamic. The scene ends with Jenny and Whitney exiting the restroom, sharing a lighthearted moment about the Director's flatulence.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, creating an engaging and entertaining interaction between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and witty, keeping the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of office gossip and banter is well-executed in this scene, providing insight into the dynamics between the characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters discuss potential ways to uncover infidelity, adding intrigue and setting up potential conflicts for future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace relationships and office dynamics, with a mix of humor and drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and interactions. Jenny is witty and confident, while Whitney is more skeptical and cautious.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the characters' personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to support her friend Whitney and provide her with advice on how to deal with her suspicions of her partner cheating. This reflects Jenny's caring nature and desire to help those close to her.

External Goal: 7

Whitney's external goal in this scene is to navigate the workplace dynamics and follow Director Weaver's instructions for the upcoming episode. This reflects the immediate challenges she faces in her job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict present in the scene as the characters discuss suspicions of infidelity and navigate office politics, setting up potential conflicts for future developments.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from the characters' personal and professional dilemmas.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the potential consequences of infidelity and workplace drama add a layer of intrigue and tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing potential conflicts and setting up future developments related to infidelity and workplace dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and twists in the dialogue, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' personal values and workplace ethics. Jenny's willingness to bend the rules to help her friend conflicts with the professional standards set by Director Weaver.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene is more focused on humor and light-hearted banter rather than emotional depth, but it still engages the audience through the characters' witty interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and realistic, capturing the essence of office banter and gossip. It reveals the relationships between the characters and adds depth to their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable characters, and the mix of humor and drama. The audience is drawn into the characters' relationships and workplace dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a natural flow of dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy office setting, with clear character interactions and progression of the conversation.


Critique
  • The dialogue is unnatural and clunky. It sounds like the characters are reading lines from a script, rather than speaking like real people.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are simply talking about their suspicions about Whitney's husband, without any real tension or drama.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about them or their motivations.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot. It's simply a conversation between two characters that doesn't lead to any meaningful change.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some conflict to the scene. For example, have Whitney confront her husband about her suspicions.
  • Cut the scene down to make it more concise.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Make sure that the scene advances the plot in some way.



Scene 2 -  Celebrating Success and Tackling Challenges
INT. UNDERGROUND COMPLEX - CONTINUOUS

The bathroom door closes behind 2 stunned and slightly
curious coworkers. They look at each other in astonishment.

WHITNEY
Did she just? I mean, did she?

JENNY
I'm going back in. I gots to know.

Whitney dips back into the Ladies room to test the air
quality, leaving her friend in the hallway. In a moment, she
emerges to rejoin her colleague wearing a pained expression.

WHITNEY
Chanel Number 5?

JENNY
Not exactly. Quite the opposite.

WHITNEY
All the stress is making her sick.

JENNY
It sounded like there was something
inside of her trying to get out.

The duo walk under fluorescent illumination and stop to
enter an open door. Banks of monitors and computers running
analytics. RAJESH Dhawan, 25, waves excitedly to the women.

JENNY (CONT'D)
Hey Raj, what's the good news?
3.


RAJESH
We are absolutely unstoppable,
ladies! The subreddit just passed
60 million, our Gram is on fire and
we've currently got 3 of the top 5
hashtags. And did I mention that
we've gotten twice the Twitch
preorders as last time. This one's
gonna be huge, my sweetie darlings.

WHITNEY
I could have told you that. Half
the country hates the other half.
It's perfect, really. I'm surprised
nobody has thought of this before.

JENNY
Hey, I saw where we might get our
own streaming service. Is it true?

RAJESH
I can neither confirm nor deny that
rumor, but let's say there's a lot
riding on this episode. Go make me
proud girls, and don't fuck it up.

WHITNEY
Child please. We never do.

JENNY
Tell corporate to fire up the jet,
Raj. By Tuesday, we'll be sipping
appletinis on Maui.

WHITNEY
Hallelujah. Can I get an amen?

JENNY
Amen sister. Praise Jesus!

RAJESH
That's funny coming from you 2.
Samhara Kali is more your speed.

JENNY
What's that supposed to mean?

RAJESH
It means give em hell, ladies. Bye!

WHITNEY
Love you. Mean it.
4.


Air kisses are dispensed and the women continue walking.
Directional signs point the way to DIAGNOSTICS, ARMORY,
ENVIRONMENTAL, MEDICAL and EDITING. Staffers hurry past and
a miserable PA holds his cellphone at arm's length while
Madame Director verbally abuses him.

WHITNEY (CONT'D)
That's not a good sign. I think the
pressure's finally getting to her.

JENNY
Personally I love the smell of
Sweeps Week in the morning.
Smells like VICTORY.

The pair follow their prescribed path to INTAKE and
ORIENTATION. A stairway leading up is labeled: PRINCIPAL
PHOTOGRAPHY - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY with a caution sign
reading LIVE FIRE AREA - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.

WHITNEY
This ratings war is out of hand.
After what happened to Drew and JW,
1 bad episode is all it takes.

JENNY
Now, THAT was great storytelling.

WHITNEY
I don't know. I liked those guys.

JENNY
You have to admit the surprise
ending was cool. What a twist.

WHITNEY
It was kind of sad, really.

JENNY
I thought it was poetic justice.

WHITNEY
Poetic? They were torn limb from
limb by an animatronic mermaid.

JENNY
Mer-MAN. Don't you see? They were
killed by their own creation like
the doctor in Frankenstein.

WHITNEY
OK, I'll give you that. Kudos to
Mary Shelley, but still--
5.


JENNY
Man, I hope we get to use that prop
again. That is one bad robot.

They step to the side and a group of medical personnel usher
past a groaning, wounded mechanic. Worried staff hold his
mangled hand wrapped in a towel. The medics pass as blood
drips on the concrete floor and the stark white walls.

JENNY (CONT'D)
Play stupid game, win stupid prize.

WHITNEY
Just another day in Paradise.

JENNY
I wonder what kind of goodies the
Gadget Shop gave us this time?

WHITNEY
We'll find out at debrief. Hope
it's something better than last--

Whitney spies a spot of blood on her shoe and fumes.

WHITNEY (CONT'D)
Not again! I just bought these.

JENNY
Club soda will get it out. C'mon,
my blood sugar's getting low.

They swing by the craft table. Whitney grabs an apple juice
while Jenny scoops up a handful of pastries.

JENNY (CONT'D)
Heard we get a bonus if we can get
them past 12 hours in one piece.

WHITNEY
Good luck. Sponsor wants things to
get physical ASAP. Madame Director
expects blood before breakfast.

JENNY
Piece of cake. These 2 don't need
encouragement. You read their bios?
They can't wait to kill each other.

WHITNEY
Well then, let's give them a 4th of
July weekend they'll never forget.
6.


JENNY
Or survive, for that matter.

A loud musical sting morphs into Hail to the Chief, followed
by a smash cut to the title: RED WHITE & DOOMED
Genres: ["Comedy","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Whitney and Jenny enter a bathroom after hearing a strange noise and find their coworker, who appears to be sick or injured. They then join Rajesh in a control room, where they celebrate their success in social media engagement and preorders for their latest project. Rajesh hints at a possible streaming service and encourages them to do well in their task. The women continue to a craft table, discussing their past successes and the challenges ahead. The scene takes place in an underground complex during working hours, and the general mood is positive and celebratory.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Distinct characters
  • Blend of comedy and drama
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too chaotic for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, satire, and drama to create an engaging and entertaining narrative. The witty dialogue and quirky characters keep the audience entertained while setting up the high-stakes environment of the TV production.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a TV production set in an underground complex with intense pressure and high stakes is unique and intriguing. The scene effectively introduces the setting and the challenges faced by the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters navigating the challenges of the TV production, including conflicts, pressure, and unexpected events. While the scene sets up the environment and the characters' dynamics, it also hints at future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, with a blend of workplace drama, dark comedy, and technological elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and distinct, each with their own personalities and quirks. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their relationships and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and dialogue hint at potential developments and growth for the characters in future episodes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the high-stress environment and succeed in their work despite the pressure and challenges they face. This reflects their desire for success and recognition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to deliver a successful episode and meet the expectations of their superiors. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their work environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the characters' interactions, the pressure of the TV production, and the hints of upcoming conflicts and challenges.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that add tension and conflict to the story. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the TV production, the pressure faced by the characters, and the hints of conflicts and challenges ahead create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene, keeping the audience invested in the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements, setting up conflicts, and hinting at future developments. It establishes the tone and environment of the TV production while engaging the audience with witty dialogue and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire for success and recognition in their work, and the potential consequences of their actions on others. This challenges their values and beliefs about the cost of achieving success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, tension, and curiosity. While the humor and satire provide entertainment, the underlying pressure and conflicts add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and humorous, capturing the characters' personalities and the tone of the scene. It drives the narrative forward while providing insight into the characters' thoughts and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, witty banter, and high-stakes environment. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the characters and their story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with quick exchanges and rapid progression of events. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and effective.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the tone of the screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It jumps between different topics and characters without a cohesive flow.
  • The dialogue is often repetitive and uninformative. The characters discuss the same issues without adding any new insights or developments.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and lacks action or meaningful interactions. The characters mostly stand around and talk about what they have done or plan to do.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and lack depth. They are defined by their superficial traits and do not have any real motivations or conflicts.
  • The tone of the scene is inconsistent, shifting between humor, seriousness, and even horror without a clear reason.
  • The scene does not contribute to the overall narrative or character development. It feels like a filler and could be removed without affecting the story.
Suggestions
  • Identify a clear purpose for the scene and develop the plot accordingly.
  • Write dialogue that is natural, engaging, and advances the story or character development.
  • Incorporate action and meaningful interactions to make the scene more dynamic and visually interesting.
  • Develop the characters' motivations, conflicts, and relationships to make them more relatable and compelling.
  • Establish a consistent tone for the scene and avoid abrupt shifts that can confuse the reader.
  • Consider removing or reworking the scene if it does not contribute to the overall narrative or character development.



Scene 3 -  Bradley's Frustration: Firearm Rule Negotiation
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - MORNING

SUPER: Washington, DC

An Italian suit lies next to a Hawaiian shirt on a king-
sized bed. On the nightstand is a semi-automatic pistol,
combat knife and Kevlar helmet. Nearby sits a kitted-out AR-
15 and a set of body armor bearing a skull Punisher logo.

BRADLEY Forrest emerges from the bathroom. 28 and leading-
man handsome, he whines in frustration into his cellphone.

BRADLEY
Whaddaya mean I can't bring my own?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
I'm sorry, it's not permitted for
liability reasons. Insurance and
such, I'm sure you understand.

BRADLEY
I don't remember agreeing to that.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
It was stipulated in the release
you signed, Mr. Forrest. If you'd
rather we find a replacement--

BRADLEY
No! I really want to go, I guess I
just didn't read the fine print.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Need I remind you, this generous
contribution is contingent on your
complete cooperation.

BRADLEY
Not even for personal protection? I
make it a point to never be more
than 5 feet away from a firearm at
all times. Just in case.

Brad gathers the rifle and strokes it's suppressor-tipped
barrel. A bulge grows under his towel.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
It's simply a matter of protocol.
(MORE)
7.


OPERATOR (CONT'D)
Let me assure you, the donor fully
supports your 2nd amendment rights.

BRADLEY
Then why no guns?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
No weapons of any kind. Our client
prefers that you make use of the
on-site facilities. Whatever else
you may need will be provided for.

Brad drops his towel, sits on the bed and fondles himself.

BRADLEY
Facilities? Like what?
Hot tub? Sauna? Jet-skis?
(suspicious)
Come on, level with me: Is this one
of those stupid team building boot
camp things? Or one of those policy
workshop circle-jerks?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
(chuckles)
No. Not at all.

BRADLEY
So what're we supposed to do there?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
I'm not at liberty to be specific.
But this is a very exclusive
retreat, and our benefactor has a
reputation for having the best toys
money can buy. I promise you will
not be disappointed. Is your female
guest still accompanying you?

BRADLEY
Yeah, about that--

Brad stands at a window naked and erect. Below, a woman hops
into a cab and flips him off before closing the door.

BRADLEY (CONT'D)
There's been a change of plans.

Brad flips through pictures of young women on his phone. He
selects one, swipes right and closes the app.
8.


BRADLEY (CONT'D)
My guest is a friend of a friend
from Florida. She's a massage
therapist and doesn't speak
English. Is that a problem?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Is she over 18 years of age?

Brad's brow furrows.

BRADLEY
Sure, as far as I know.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Then there should be no problem.
We'll get her information and
signed release during orientation.

BRADLEY
And what happens there stays there?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Very much so. Privacy is paramount.
The location is very secluded and
its security system second to none.

Still naked, Brad walks to a shelf holding a lacrosse
trophy, an ROTC patch, and an autographed photo of his
awkward teenaged self shaking hands with a Congressman.

BRADLEY
No leaks. This is how we know we’re
a real family here, right?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
And a very exclusive one at that.
Only a select few who make it past
the screening process are invited
to participate. I am certain that
very soon, everyone in the world
will know your name, Mr. Forrest.

BRADLEY
Tucker Carlson himself called me
the future of the Conservative
Movement. Who am I to argue?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Let's hope so sir. Very well, you
are confirmed. An email will be
forthcoming and arrangements have
been made for transportation.
9.


BRADLEY
So what, are you guys sending over
a limo or something like that?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Something like that.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action"]

Summary Bradley Forrest, the leading man, is preparing for a retreat in Washington, DC and gets into a tense negotiation with the operator over bringing his own firearm, which is against the rules due to liability reasons. Despite Bradley's attempts to negotiate, the operator insists on the rules. The scene takes place in Bradley's apartment and ends with him agreeing to the terms and arrangements being made for transportation.
Strengths
  • Establishes mystery and suspense
  • Intriguing setup for future developments
  • Strong character introduction
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic or vague

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of mystery and suspense, engaging the audience with the unknown nature of the retreat and Bradley's involvement.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an exclusive retreat with secretive activities and high stakes is intriguing and sets up a strong foundation for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the main character, Bradley, and his upcoming involvement in the retreat, setting the stage for potential conflicts and suspenseful events.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to themes of power, control, and secrecy. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Bradley is portrayed as a mysterious and potentially dangerous character, adding depth to the scene and setting up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 6

While Bradley's character is not shown to undergo significant changes in this scene, the setup hints at potential character growth and transformation in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Bradley's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his sense of control and power, as well as to assert his individuality and personal beliefs. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and self-expression.

External Goal: 7

Bradley's external goal in this scene is to navigate the requirements and restrictions of the exclusive retreat he is attending, while also managing his personal relationships and arrangements. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in terms of compliance and adaptability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Bradley's desire for personal protection and the strict rules of the retreat adds tension and sets up potential conflicts in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and hidden agendas creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is left unsure of how Bradley will navigate the challenges he faces.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the exclusive retreat, the mysterious activities, and the potential dangers involved create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements, setting up potential conflicts, and building anticipation for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue, as well as the ambiguous motivations and intentions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between individual freedom and societal norms, as well as between personal desires and external expectations. This challenges Bradley's beliefs in personal protection and autonomy, while also highlighting the influence of external forces on his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and intrigue rather than emotional depth, but hints at potential emotional stakes in future developments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Bradley and the operator effectively conveys the secretive nature of the retreat and hints at underlying tensions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of suspense, humor, and character dynamics, as well as the sense of mystery and intrigue surrounding the exclusive retreat and Bradley's motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and momentum, as well as allowing for character development and dialogue exchanges to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character development and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what Bradley Forrest is doing or why he is going to Washington, DC.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and unnatural. Bradley Forrest repeats the same questions and concerns multiple times, which makes the scene feel冗长 and tedious.
  • The character of Bradley Forrest is not well-developed. He comes across as arrogant, self-absorbed, and unlikable.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to improve the pacing.
Suggestions
  • Give Bradley Forrest a clear goal or purpose for going to Washington, DC.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the character of Bradley Forrest to make him more relatable and sympathetic.
  • Shorten the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action.



Scene 4 - 
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT

SUPER: Atlanta, GA

Inside a modest bedroom, a duffel bag and a suit lie on the
bed alongside 3 pairs of vintage sneakers. At the foot of
the bed is a military footlocker featuring a rainbow
sticker, peace symbol, and a Puerto Rican flag.

JAVIER Rios, fit and 28, emerges from his bathroom holding a
fussy baby in one arm and a ringing cellphone in the other.

JAVIER
Can somebody come get him?
I've got to take this call.

A smiling young woman in braids pops into the room, takes
the child and leaves. Javi grins and silently mouths his
thanks before he closes the door and takes the call.

JAVIER (CONT'D)
Hello?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Mr. Rios, your transportation has
arrived. It's waiting outside.

Javi looks out a window and spots the black SUV.

JAVIER
I see it. Sorry I'm running late.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
I'll alert the driver. However, I'm
afraid time is of the essence Mr.
Rios. It's a rather long flight and
we're on a bit of a tight schedule.

The combat veteran folds his fatigues and puts on socks.

JAVIER
I'll be there. Did the check clear
yet? The Foundation is counting on
it to pay this month's rent.
10.


OPERATOR (O.S.)
The initial funds will be disbursed
once you and your guest arrive and
successfully complete orientation.

Javi opens his closet, revealing an Army dress uniform hung
next to a meticulously maintained lineup of athletic shoes.

JAVIER
No bullshit?

In a flash he selects a pair of rare 'Miro' Air Jordan 7s.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
As mentioned in our correspondence,
our client donates generously to
hundreds of charities and Community
Organizations like your own.

Leaning on his footlocker, Javi tucks a small object into
his sock before he slips on the colorful sneakers.

JAVIER
Uh-huh. Then why the secrecy?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
They feel it's best that their
philanthropy remains anonymous.

Javi slings his duffel bag over a shoulder and leaves.
Genres:

Summary
Strengths
Weaknesses

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique
Suggestions



Scene 5 - 
INT. - APARTMENT HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

OPERATOR (O.S.)
I assure you, the donation will be
made exactly as detailed in the
document you signed. Oh, and Mr.
Rios? I saw where you were a vegan?

JAVIER
Just a garden-variety vegetarian.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
I see. Garden variety. Very clever.

JAVIER
I hope that's not a problem?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Not at all. Does your guest have
any special dietary rquirements?
11.
Genres:

Summary
Strengths
Weaknesses

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique
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Scene 6 - 
INT. - APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

A furry locomotive dashes across the apartment and bowls
into Javi's lower legs, nearly knocking him over. The German
Shepherd rolls over and a long tongue flops from the toothy
muzzle. One of her forelegs sports a clever prosthetic limb.

JAVIER
No. She'll eat just about anything.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Very good. Any other concerns or
questions before we proceed?

Sergeant Rios reaches down and smiles as he ruffles her fur.

JAVIER
Well she's a combat veteran, and
she's kind of sensitive around loud
noises. You're sure there won't be
any guns or fireworks?

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Outside weapons of any type are
prohibited on the property.

JAVIER
That's reassuring. Sort of.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
However it IS a political retreat,
so I can't guarantee there won't be
any fireworks this weekend.

JAVIER
Metaphorically speaking, of course.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Of course.

Javi hangs up, kisses his sister MARIANNE and niece OLIVIA
before touching the framed photo of his late Mother.

JAVIER
Gotta go, my ride's here.

The baby squeals happily in his highchair as the Shepherd
licks smeared baby food from the infant's face. Teenaged
Olivia hugs the big dog protectively.

JAVIER (CONT'D)
We'll be back soon. Love you guys!
12.


Javier looks up, points skyward and crosses himself as he
and the dog exit the apartment. On her laptop, Marianne is
forced to sit through a video promo for an upcoming episode
of a popular new reality show.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Starting tomorrow, don't miss live
wall-to-wall coverage of Blood
Feud's anticipated season finale.

MARIANNE
Oh my God.

OLIVIA
What is it?

Olivia looks over her Mom's shoulder as she feeds the baby.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
It's Red versus Blue as Blood Feud
gets political. Can a Social
Justice Warrior hold his own
against a Conservative Crusader?

MARIANNE
Who in the world watches this crap?

OLIVIA
Everyone at school does. Some goth
kids got expelled for starting a
Blood Feud fan club. They had a
kill list and everything.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
It's your patriotic duty to watch,
because YOU decide who will be the
last man standing. For details, go
to BloodFeud.com and register to
cast your vote.

Javier's sister stares suspiciously at the screen while a
troubling thought seems to linger at the back of her mind.

OLIVIA
What?

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Can't get enough Blood? Download
the app to follow the action 24
hours a day on our live feed--

MARIANNE
Never mind, It's probably nothing.
13.


ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Register now to get exclusive
behind-the-scenes access or binge
all your favorite feuds right from
your iPhone or Android.
Genres:

Summary
Strengths
Weaknesses

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique
Suggestions



Scene 7 - 
INT. UNDERGROUND MEDICAL FACILITY - THE NEXT DAY

Bradley & Javier lie naked and unconscious on stretchers
attached to a network of sensors. Banks of medical equipment
monitor all vital signs and biological functions. 3 masked
doctors converse before one of them faces the security
camera and gives a thumbs up.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MEDICAL FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

Jenny and Whitney walk past the door of the Med Lab. Jenny
stops to peer through the window while Whitney pauses to
inspect her shoe, clearly irritated by the bloodstain.

JENNY
Scanned, stable and locked in, just
the way we like them. Divergence is
minimal and neural path perception
is over 94%. These 2 should be a
walk in the park.

WHITNEY
The plus ones are the issue. Canine
behavior is mostly predictable, but
AI maps don't account for instinct.

JENNY
The new algorithms worked just fine
in beta testing. First time for
everything. I guess we'll find out.

WHITNEY
The veterinarian they hired just
quit. Flat out refused to do the
procedure, called it unethical.

JENNY
Poor puppy. What about the girl?
You think Sleeping Beauty knows?

WHITNEY
I hope not. Let it be a surprise.
Genres:

Summary
Strengths
Weaknesses

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 0


Story Content

Concept: 0

Plot: 0

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 0

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 0

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 0

Dialogue: 0

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique
Suggestions