EXT. MONTANA HIGHWAY - DAY.
SUPER: SUMMER 2000
Midday sun beats down on a van pulled to the side of a
barren highway winding through the prairie wilderness. With
mountains in the distance, 2 sweaty young men struggle to
change a flat front tire.
The van's door bears a CHEF*TV logo with text reading:
America's Cultural Cuisine. A tumbleweed blows past a shabby
trailer hitched behind the van. Hot pink curtains frame the
plastic window, which rattles from the music blaring inside.
TITLE CARD: BAD FOODIE
INT. CHEF TV TALENT TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY CLOCHE sits at a pink dressing table chopping lines
of cocaine with a chef's knife. An open bottle of whiskey
sits next to an autographed photo of Julia Child, complete
with a lipstick kiss. He takes a bong rip and downs a shot
of booze before putting a rolled $20 bill to his nose.
GUIDRY
1 little, 2 little, 3 little Indi--
The door opens and a black man enters. FJ LEWIS coughs and
turns down the boombox. He grabs a nearby magazine and waves
the air to clear the smoky haze. FJ tries to put it down but
it sticks to his palm. Grossed out, he shakes his hand free.
FJ LEWIS
Open a window or something, Gid.
Get the air circulating at least.
We're almost done with the tire.
He grabs the liquor bottle and looks at the label.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
What're you drinking? Old Crow? How
appropriate. Well, when in Rome--
The producer takes a swig and grimaces at the burn.
GUIDRY
This ain't Rome, kid. Been there
lots of times, until I got arrested
and they revoked my Visa.
FJ LEWIS
Arrested? What for?
GUIDRY
Disturbing the peace. Got in a
fistfight in Trevi Fountain with
Francesco Rinaldi. Sonofabitch said
I got his wife Prego.
FJ LEWIS
Who are you calling kid? You're not
much older than me.
GUIDRY
Yeah, but those are TV years. It's
different. Like the Metric System.
Don't try to understand.
FJ LEWIS
But, I mean, Montana is beautiful.
How could you not love this place?
GUIDRY
Is that supposed to be some kind of
joke? Look, I'll do what I have to
because I need this gig, but places
like this are a living hell for a
refined palette such as mine.
FJ LEWIS
What do you mean?
GUIDRY
I mean, how many Rocky Mountain
oysters do I have to eat? How'd
that even become a thing? For
fuck's sake the porcupine meatballs
are made from actual porcupine!
FJ LEWIS
Well, you'd better eat 'em and
smile, because it's down to you and
that New York chef with the book
deal. One of you is getting picked
up by the network. Then it's 30
weeks on the road eating in every
ethnic hash house in America, so
keep your antacids handy.
GUIDRY
I got a little excited when I saw
that I'd be eating beaver. It looks
good on paper, but I suspect it's
not as enjoyable as it sounds.
Throw me a bone here, Hollywood.
Take pity on the talent. I'm only
human.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) Can't I just lift
up the plate while you run stock
footage of me chewing?
FJ LEWIS
Doesn't work like that. And don't
call me Hollywood. Besides, these
Native folks are nice, and they're
making serious bank slinging that
roadkill to the tourists.
The men gather their things and exit the trailer.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Trailer Talk and Career Jokes
EXT. CHEF TV TALENT TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY
Who had this trailer before me?
FJ LEWIS
Not sure. I know the network was
reluctant to give it to you after
the last one went up in flames.
GUIDRY
That wasn't my fault! I was in New
Mexico with Alton Brown, working on
a gazpacho recipe he got from some
chemistry teacher. I love Al, known
him a long time. But he takes the
Lex Luthor stuff too far sometimes.
FJ LEWIS
I've heard that about him.
GUIDRY
Pretty sure this trailer belonged
to that Southern lady with the lard
biscuits. You know the one--
FJ LEWIS
--who said the N-word on live TV?
GUIDRY
That's her!
FJ LEWIS
Well, bless her racist little
heart, cause it's her time slot
that's up for grabs.
The 2 youths finish putting away the jack and roll away the
flat tire, leaving it discarded by the side of the road.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
I know it's my first primetime gig,
but this show could get you off the
D-list if you don't screw it up.
GUIDRY
D-list? Hey, I'm at least C-list.
FJ LEWIS
Not for long. Come on and ride up
front with us. We're almost there.
FJ hops into the driver's seat, Guidry takes the passenger
spot. The other crew members climb inside, the van door
closes and they drive off.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Filming Follies in Helena
EXT. DOWNTOWN HELENA, MONTANA. - LATER
With the van parked on the street, FJ walks behind the
building where the trailer sits tucked in an alley. He
approaches and bangs on the door.
FJ LEWIS
Game time, Gid. Word is the suits
are really happy with the dailies.
We've got a good shot at being
picked up, so let's finish strong.
Guidry emerges with a powdery nose and joins FJ.
GUIDRY
No sweat. I'm a professional.
FJ LEWIS
Well, you'll have to do until one
shows up. What do you say, can you
fake it for one more show?
GUIDRY
See my face? I'm faking interest
right now. What'd you like me to
fake next? Sincerity? Orgasm?
FJ LEWIS
Look, as soon as we wrap, you're
free to go for 6 weeks until post
is finished so we can get this out
in time for sweeps.
GUIDRY
In this business I'm known as One
Take Guidry. When it comes to food
show hosts, I'm the pinnacle. The
Zenith. Competition? I have none.
FJ LEWIS
I appreciate your confidence, but I
don't know. That other guy is tall,
charismatic, ruggedly handsome--
GUIDRY
What am I, chopped liver over here?
FJ LEWIS
I'm not saying that. But he has an
edge to him that Programming likes.
GUIDRY
God bless, but that glorified line
cook will never go anywhere now
that he's sober. Giving up drugs
was the worst thing he could do if
he wants to make it in this racket.
I wish him well, I really do. But
it doesn't matter what he does.
Against yours truly, his chances
are exactly Zero Point Zero.
FJ LEWIS
Maybe not, but I heard they're
making his novel into a movie.
GUIDRY
(annoyed)
You know what? On second thought,
screw that guy. Let's go.
The pair leave the alley and walk to the front of the café.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I will do whatever it takes. 10
o'clock Wednesday night belongs to
Guidry Cloche. When it comes to
getting this time slot I have
absolutely NO RESERVATIONS.
FJ LEWIS
So let it be written in TV Guide,
so let it be done. It's all a moot
point if we don't nail this pilot.
Let's get your opening monologue
knocked out like we rehearsed.
GUIDRY
I was way too drunk at rehearsal.
FJ LEWIS
You also got naked and puked in my
car's sunroof. So, thanks for that.
The duo reach the front of the café. Crew members, MICHAEL
KUSAMA and RODNEY NEUMANN, are opening equipment crates and
setting up gear as the group meets up.
GUIDRY
Hey Hot Rod, you and Mikey go grab
some java for everyone on me. I saw
a coffee shop just down the street.
Battlestar Arabica or something.
MICHAEL
I think you mean Starbucks.
Guidry hands a rolled up 20 to the sound man.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Whatever. Wait, give it back!
He reclaims the cash and licks the inside of the bill before
handing it back to Rodney, who treats it like a biohazard.
RODNEY
Ew. That is really not OK.
GUIDRY
And I want the change back!
The young crew members amble off and FJ turns to Guidry:
FJ LEWIS
I'd really like to take this show
in a different direction.
GUIDRY
Alright Hollywood, I'm listening.
FJ LEWIS
I used to be a fan of reality TV,
but lately I feel like the audience
deserves better than what the
networks are putting out there. I
mean, MTV begged me to come work
for them. But now, I wish the Real
World would just stop hassling me.
GUIDRY
Nobody at the network gives a shit
about the viewers. It's all about
eyeballs and advertising, period.
FJ LEWIS
It's not enough to simply eat these
people's food, Gid. I want you to
tell their stories.
(MORE)
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Their struggles and triumphs.
Document the lives of people that
are usually overlooked. Like that
Vietnamese family in Houston with
the kimchi tacos.
GUIDRY
And the Muslim guy in Kansas City.
Best barbecued goat I've ever had.
FJ LEWIS
Exactly. Give it some more depth,
more HUMANITY. I'd like to show
black and brown people that their
lives matter too, y'know?
GUIDRY
I'm gonna go with my gut here. I
always trust my producer to steer
the ship, and if it means more
human interest stories and less
fried testicles, I'm all in.
FJ LEWIS
Thanks, man. It means a lot,
knowing you have my back.
GUIDRY
If the network has a problem with
the new direction, they can fire
me. Wouldn't be the first time.
FJ LEWIS
You're pretty famous in this
business for taking chances.
GUIDRY
Why play it safe? It's boring. I'm
happy my agent got me this gig.
FJ LEWIS
It's got it's moments.
GUIDRY
Are you kidding? I love this job.
You guys take me out to eat and
film me asking a sandwich artist
about the organic chili aioli.
FJ LEWIS
'Next we'll feature a locally-
sourced artisan pimento-loaf
crudité for you to enjoy'.
GUIDRY
While I pretend to be listening to
whatever the fuck the tattooed
hipster with the nose ring is
saying. I nod, do my closing spiel
and we leave. That's my job.
FJ LEWIS
Televised Brunch.
GUIDRY
Don't be fooled. When it comes to
food shows, it's kill or be killed.
FJ LEWIS
Come on. It can't be THAT bad.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
I went on a sushi show and the host
tried to poison me. Puffer fish. It
was a whole thing. I won't name
names but Giada knows what she did.
The returning Rodney and Mike hand out cups of coffee.
FJ LEWIS
How long have you been on TV, Gid?
GUIDRY
I made my dry-aged marrow bones the
old fashioned way. Spent 10 years
slugging it out for tote bag sales
with the other hosts at PBS.
FJ LEWIS
Public broadcasting? That's brutal.
GUIDRY
Talk about a baptism by fire. First
day I made Rick Bayless mad. Thing
about Rick is, he's got lifeless
eyes. Black eyes, like a doll's
eyes. Had me kidnapped in Tijuana.
Turns out El Tiburón used to be
Pablo Escobar's personal chef.
FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D) Got in a
Cajun blood feud with Paul
Prudhomme too. My neck still hurts.
Prudhomme sits at a fire. With an evil laugh, he tosses a
pinch of cayenne seasoning into the flames with a poof of
green smoke and stabs a skewer through a Guidry voodoo doll.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And I can never forget my saké-
fueled knife fight with Marty Yan.
Martin Yan and Guidry are tied at the wrists, dancing with
switchblades like Michael Jackson's BEAT IT video. Martin
takes a swipe at Guidry and grins as his blade draws blood.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Never play dice with the Yakuza.
END FLASHBACK
Guidry lifts a hand. A thin scar encircles his pinky.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
The doctor was able to reattach it.
Nothing frightens me anymore. I'll
never go back to that, but I need
your help. Cable TV is no place for
the weak or infirm, gentlemen.
(to Mike)
Hey Short Round, where's my change?
MICHAEL
There was no change. And what's
venti?
GUIDRY
Venti is Italian for 20.
(disbelief)
What do you mean no change? I'm an
American. I pay my taxes, mostly. I
vote, once in a while. I want
change, dammit. I demand change!
RODNEY
7 coffees cost more than you gave
us. You owe Mike 2 dollars.
MICHAEL
I want my 2 dollars.
GUIDRY
What a ripoff. They'll be shut down
next week. Free market won't allow
it--
FJ takes the tray holding the remaining 3 coffees.
FJ LEWIS
C'mon, let's go meet your costars.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Tensions at the Café
EXT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - MOMENTS LATER
Things aren't going well with the Native American staff.
FJ LEWIS
I mean, we just got here--
Owner JANET and waitress MAGGIE sip their coffees. Hulking
cook RAPHAEL sniffs his brew, dumps it into a planter.
RAPHAEL
I ordered a frappuccino. Where's my
fucking frappuccino?
FJ LEWIS
Give him another chance. He didn't
mean anything by it.
JANET
Sure sounded like he meant it.
The producer pleads his case, hands on hips:
FJ LEWIS
He's been under a lot of pressure
with this pilot. We've just filmed
at 4 locations in 9 days.
MAGGIE
Always some white guy who says it.
JANET
Why do people feel like they can
just say anything they want these
days, no matter who it hurts?
FJ LEWIS
I'm not excusing it, it was an
insensitive thing to say.
RAPHAEL
Alright, but if he says it again...
FJ LEWIS
He won't. I've already talked to
him. Guidry's not a bad guy, he's--
JANET
Racist?
FJ LEWIS
No. Not exactly. He's--
MAGGIE
Stupid?
FJ LEWIS
Getting warmer. He's--
RAPHAEL
Racist?
FJ LEWIS
She said that already. I was gonna
say Old School. Like an iconoclast.
MAGGIE
He's not an iconoclast. Kevin
Costner is an iconoclast.
JANET
For sure.
RAPHAEL
No doubt.
FJ LEWIS
Look, he promised that he won't say
anything like that again, OK?
The group crosses the street, over to the sidewalk and
toward the waiting crew. The assembled Native food workers
stare dubiously at FJ.
RAPHAEL
Sorry, but I don't believe him.
FJ LEWIS
Why not?
RAPHAEL
Keeping promises to Native
Americans has never really been
white people's thing.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Cultural Cringe and Kitchen Chaos
INT. CROW FLIES CAFE - MOMENTS LATER
GUIDRY
Personally, I've ALWAYS been
fascinated by Native American
culture. Sweat lodges, peace pipes,
peyote. Matter of fact, FJ has a
dreamcatcher hanging from his
rearview mirror right now!
The café staff cringe and shake their heads in despair with
eyerolls that are almost physically palpable.
RAPHAEL
Why do they always mention peyote?
What is it with that? Every single
day, I got white guys in ponytails
asking me to get them peyote.
FJ LEWIS
Okay gang, let's get everybody in
the kitchen so we can get this baby
shot before midnight?
JANET
We close at 9:00.
FJ LEWIS
I know, so let's shake a leg. What
am I paying you for?
MAGGIE & RAPHAEL & JANET
(in unison)
You're not paying us.
FJ LEWIS
It's a figure of speech. Besides,
you guys are getting tons of free
advertising. You can't buy that.
JANET
Yes you can.
MAGGIE
Yeah, it's called advertising.
The staff puts on matching teal TEAM TATONKA bowling shirts
and head into the kitchen to prepare for the taping.
RAPHAEL
Why am I supposed to shake my leg?
MAGGIE
I think he was being rhetorical.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Culinary Conflicts and Comedic Banter
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Guidry is filmed as he interviews the café staff.
GUIDRY
So, you're saying that all of your
ingredients are organic, locally-
sourced, gluten and hormone-free,
high in fiber, and totally devoid
of corn syrup or processed sugar,
flour, or salt?
JANET
Right you are, Guidry. Some of our
recipes date back to the 1600s.
GUIDRY
That's incredible. It's cultural
history on a plate. You can taste
the authenticity. This right here
is the original flavor of Montana.
Guidry redirects to Maggie.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
What else can you tell us about
these local delicacies we're about
to enjoy? How would your ancestors
have prepared and seasoned them?
MAGGIE
Well Guidry, I'm glad you asked.
The ingredients you're about to
taste have been part of Native
American cooking since long before
colonizers like Columbus arrived
and enslaved the Taino people.
GUIDRY
Colonizer? Christopher Columbus is
an American hero and Italian icon.
FJ LEWIS
Alright, cut! Take 5, everyone.
RODNEY
Good, I gotta take a leak.
MICHAEL
I need to wash my hands.
Rodney picks up a plate of food from the previous segment.
RODNEY
Wow, what is this stuff again?
RAPHAEL
Wild boar bacon jam.
GUIDRY
Can I get the recipe for this
stuff? I'll put it in my soon-to-be
best selling cookbook FJ LEWIS A
Cookbook? Sell it on Amazon.com.
GUIDRY
Amazon? Are you serious? Save your
money. They'll never make a profit.
RAPHAEL
I do all my dark bidding on eBay.
GUIDRY
What kind of pathetic shut-in would
just buy every single thing online?
RAPHAEL
Me. Each month I get shipments of
peppers and cactus from Mexico.
GUIDRY
A certain special type of cactus?
RAPHAEL
I use it in my cooking, genius.
GUIDRY
Before we finish here, there's
something I need to ask you.
RAPHAEL
There it is: Every. Single. Time.
FJ LEWIS
Only a few more segments left, Gid.
You ready to eat some beaver?
Mike and Rodney return from the restroom.
RODNEY
Hey, your tap water's flammable.
JANET
Yeah, it's been like that since the
Halliburton people showed up.
FJ LEWIS
You guys are back? Good, let's pick
it up with the buffalo chicken dip.
RAPHAEL
Which one?
FJ LEWIS
Which one?
MAGGIE
The Buffalo dip or the Chicken dip?
RAPHAEL
We have both. We serve them with
organic chips made from Aspen bark.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Café Conversations: Ideals and Ironies
EXT. - FRONT OF THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATER
Outside the café, Guidry chats with Raphael and Maggie on
their smoke break. They are soon joined by Mike and Rodney.
GUIDRY
So, that was the last time I ever
made Ayahuasca at home.
(to Mike and Rodney)
Are you 2 here simply to bask in
the shadow of my magnificence, or
did Hollywood send you?
MICHAEL
We wanted to ask Chef a question.
RAPHAEL
And there it is.
MAGGIE
You knew it was coming.
RAPHAEL
Never fails. Just when I thought I
was out, they pulled me back in.
GUIDRY
Now THAT'S a great film! Hell of a
performance from Pacino.
Guidry lights a joint as Maggie and Raphael rise to leave.
MAGGIE
Meh, he's no Kevin Costner.
RAPHAEL
You can say that again.
The producer emerges to corral his crew.
FJ LEWIS
I need you to stage the next shot
and give me some levels, got it?
The young men nod in agreement and re-enter the café.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
That last scene was great. I'm
really pleased. This show could be
something special.
GUIDRY
It's not exactly 60 Minutes, but we
ARE the 6th-most hotly anticipated
food slash travel program according
to this month's George Magazine.
FJ LEWIS
I'm proud of what we've done. This
show is cultural diplomacy. It can
be about so much more than food.
GUIDRY
No it can't. Look Hollywood, we're
simply carrying out the network's
Prime Directive: Selling ad space
by pandering tolerance to a mostly-
white audience, aged 35 to 64.
CUT TO:
A middle-aged couple siting on their couch, watching TV.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We tell suburbia how much of a
Global Citizen they are, so they
feel better about themselves. It's
just pandering with Ethnic food.
The anonymous couple speaks Guidry's words.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(husband)
Hey honey. Guidry's eating
something called samosas.
(wife)
I don't know, Indian food sounds
scary, but he's eating it.
(husband)
We should try some.
Cut to husband sitting on a toilet, grimacing.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(husband)
But not the vindaloo. It gives me
the shits.
END SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Each week, viewers can pretend to
embrace minorities without ever
having to leave the house or eat
the food. That's where I come in.
FJ LEWIS
See, that's your problem: You're
too cynical, no offense.
GUIDRY
None taken. I think.
FJ LEWIS
I love that everywhere we've gone,
we've met people who, against the
odds, were somehow able to start a
business and succeed. Now they're
living the American Dream.
GUIDRY
Nice story, tell it to Reader's
Digest. We're here to entertain.
FJ LEWIS
But we can do better than that. Be
more honest than that.
GUIDRY
What do you have in mind? Is it
gonna get me fired again?
FJ LEWIS
Anything goes as long as it doesn't
make the sponsors uncomfortable.
Notice how we only interview folks
who speak English? It's like, we
can't offend certain viewers.
GUIDRY
The viewers? No one gives a shit
about the viewers! I'm telling ya--
Guidry taps his hand like a standup comic's microphone:
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Hello, is this thing on? No one
gives a shit about the viewers,
it's all about the Benjamins.
FJ LEWIS
We're documenting the bubbling of
the Great American Melting Pot. I
mean, what's not to like?
GUIDRY
I get it, you want to make art. The
network doesn't care. It's all
about ratings and TiVo numbers. I
hate to say it but we're not even
playing the same game, kid.
FJ LEWIS
1st: I'm not playing. 2nd: I'm not
a kid. And 3rd: This isn't a game
to me. I take this job seriously
and I want to tell these people's
stories honestly, with dignity. I
know you don't care, it's just a
paycheck to you.
GUIDRY
I do care. I've seen your work. The
stuff you did for Regis and Kathie
Lee was fantastic. I told CHEF*TV I
wouldn't do this gig without you.
Pulled strings to get you here.
FJ LEWIS
I got where I'm at because of my
own hard work and integrity.
GUIDRY
I know. You earned the right to go
anywhere, take any job you wanted.
You chose this one, and I'm lucky
to have you. I took a bit less so
we could pay you what you're worth.
I gotta tell you, it wasn't easy to
steal you away from CBS. Gelman
didn't give up without a fight.
He extends a hand to dap his producer.
FJ LEWIS
Oh yeah? My agent did say you guys
were relentless. Thanks for the
raise, by the way.
Guidry does the 'cut off thumb' illusion. He re-attaches his
thumb and holds out an open hand in friendship.
GUIDRY
Thanks for sticking it out. I
couldn't do this without you. Truth
is, this may be my last chance to
make some quality television. I
won't let you down.
FJ LEWIS accepts the handshake.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, then. We've got 4 segments
left to shoot, then it's a wrap. I
know you're anxious to start your
vacation. Where ya going?
GUIDRY
An old college buddy is gonna come
pick me up when we're done. He's
got this stupid gun he's been
wanting to show me. Says it can
shoot through an engine block, so I
guess we're gonna go shoot stuff.
FJ LEWIS
How do you say I have a tiny penis
without saying I have a tiny penis?
GUIDRY
God bless the Second Amendment.
FJ LEWIS
Be careful. All I'm saying is: a
man's got to know his limitations.
Let's finish fucking this chicken
and get out of here, OK Cochise?
GUIDRY
--Cochise?
FJ LEWIS
Then you and your buddy can go
Rambo on Bambi for all I care.
GUIDRY
I'm gonna tell them you said that,
and I don't remember seeing any
'chicken fucking' in the script.
FJ LEWIS
Get your white meat back in there.
GUIDRY
Whatever you say, Colonel Sanders.
Relishing the lighthearted banter of friendship, the men
stop to share a moment of silence and mutual respect before
laughing and re-entering the café to resume shooting.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Behind the Scenes: A Lapse in Responsibility
EXT. - ALLEY BEHIND THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATER
During another break between segments, FJ opens the screen
door to find the crew hanging out in the alley.
FJ LEWIS
Alright fellas, last segment. Then
we can knock out the closing
monologue. Where's Guidry?
RODNEY
I dunno.
MICHAEL
It wasn't our turn to babysit him.
FJ LEWIS
Yes it was! I specifically told you
guys don't let him out of your
sight so I could make a phone call.
RODNEY
Where do you think he is?
Michael jerks a thumb towards the shabby dressing trailer,
making the 'glug glug' hand motion to denote heavy drinking.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
Reel Rants and High Stakes
INT. - CHEF*TV TALENT TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER
A well-worn VHS copy of Goodfellas plays on a janky portable
TV/VCR combo unit. Gid swigs whiskey and recites lines from
the film currently holding him captivated.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, I know you think they're
overly sensitive. You don't have to
agree with them. We're so close.
Just keep your mouth shut and play
along until we can put this in the
can and get out of here.
GUIDRY
Keep my mouth shut? Have we met?
I'm not gonna take it. No, I ain't
gonna take it. Not this Patriot.
I'm entitled to my opinion.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) This is still the
United States of goddamn America,
isn't it? I believe we have a
little something called freedom of
speech around here if I'm not
mistaken!
Onscreen, Stacks puts his shoes on for the last time and
Tommy takes his java to go.
FJ LEWIS
The cook threatened to knock your
teeth out if you said it again.
GUIDRY
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me?
Look, I'm as reasonable as the next
guy, but this is censorship!
Angrily shutting off the masterpiece, Guidry stands to
assume full pontificating posture.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I don't care what you say, Dances
with Wolves did NOT deserve to win
Best Picture. Goodfellas was
clearly the superior film. That is
a stone cold fact, and facts don't
care about your feelings, sir!
FJ LEWIS
That makes absolutely no sense.
GUIDRY
That movie taught me everything I
know about show business. Marty got
robbed, plain and simple. Oh, that
reminds me. Do you have any weed?
FJ is taken off guard by the conversation's abrupt turn.
FJ LEWIS
No, and I'm not kidding, so please
shut up about DANCES WITH WOLVES
versus GOODFELLAS. Those people are
a little, y'know, FUNNY about that.
The gentle ribbing does not go over well.
GUIDRY
What do you mean, 'those people'?
FJ LEWIS
Guidry no, You got it all wrong.
GUIDRY
FUNNY? You're talking about people
in there who have absolutely no
taste in either food OR cinema.
FJ LEWIS
I wonder about you Guidry.
GUIDRY
The people in that café are NOT
funny. No, those people in there
are fascists, and we can all agree
that the United States of America
is no place for fascists! After
all, isn't fascism an indictment of
our entire American society?
FJ LEWIS
American society gave black people
the Klan, Jim Crow and Syphilis.
GUIDRY
(oblivious)
Well, they can do whatever they
want to you, but I for one am not
going to stand here and listen to
those people badmouth the United
States of America--
FJ LEWIS
You're not even listening, are you?
Guidry opens a cigarette case and lights a joint.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Hey, take it easy. I only know one
other person who smokes like that.
GUIDRY
In this line of work, getting baked
is a necessity. Munchies are the
only way I can eat the wretched
refuse they've been putting in
front of me for the last 20 years.
FJ LEWIS
Makes sense, I guess.
GUIDRY
The dirty little secret in the food
show biz is that almost every host
is totally shitfaced all the time.
You ever seen that 3 Stooges
looking guy from Minnesota?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A TV crew is setting up to film in a Mexican kitchen when
Andrew Zimmern walks onto the set.
FJ LEWIS (V.O.)
Is he the guy who ate fermented
armadillo embryos?
Zimmern is handed a tray of cherry-topped dessert cups with
scaly tails poking out of the whipped cream.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
That's Andy. He used to go out
drinking with me and Alton. I could
tell you some stories. Anyway, do
you know how they got him to do
that armadillo bit on film?
(pause)
DRUGS.
Offscreen hand shoves a handful of mushrooms into Zimmern's
mouth. His eyes become wide as saucers. He grabs one of the
cups and starts scarfing down the contents. He finishes by
pulling a tiny armadillo skeleton from his mouth.
END FLASHBACK
FJ LEWIS
Drugs?
GUIDRY
Sure, I thought you'd never ask.
Guidry smokes his joint and offers it to FJ, who declines.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Back to what I was saying. Where
was I? Oh yeah. DRUGS. Look, if
you're bothered watching your
favorite TV host use copious
amounts of drugs, do me a favor--
FJ LEWIS
What's that?
GUIDRY
When you go back home, take all
your Crock Pots, all your Salad
Shooters and all your Foreman
Grills and burn them.
FJ LEWIS
Burn them?
GUIDRY
Yes, burn them. Cause y'know what?
The food show hosts that made all
those hours of programming through
the years? REAL fucking high on
drugs. Every single one of them.
Like REALLY high. Including me.
FJ LEWIS
I kinda figured that one out.
GUIDRY
Except for Nigella Lawson. She does
some weird shit with goat placenta,
adrenochrome and menstrual blood.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A casket opens and Nigella emerges looking like Elvira. She
raises a hand mirror to apply lipstick, and the reflection
shows only her wig, the dress and the lipstick.
Nigella climbs into a bathtub. Hanging over it upside down
is a bound chef. She swings a scythe, causing blood to spill
into the tub as she bathes and sips the blood with a straw.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Did you know she's 85 years old?
FJ LEWIS
She looks great.
GUIDRY
Her plastic surgeon is dynamite.
You don't have any coke, do you?
FJ LEWIS
What? No. Why would I have coke?
GUIDRY
I don't know, you live in
Hollywood, right?
FJ LEWIS
I live in Reseda, man. There's a
freeway running through my yard.
Shrugging, Guidry produces a small baggy.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Wait? What is that? Is that coke?
GUIDRY
Want some?
FJ LEWIS
Wait. You already HAD cocaine?
GUIDRY
I have SOME cocaine, but here's my
problem. I want MORE cocaine. See
how that works?
FJ LEWIS
Thanks for clearing that up.
Guidry rolls up a dollar bill, inserts it into the baggie
and takes a toot. Chasing his bump, he takes a swig from the
bottle of bourbon and offers the bill to his producer.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Holy shit. I can't fucking believe
you, man. You're a train wreck.
GUIDRY
What? C'mon, ya want some or not?
FJ LEWIS
No.
GUIDRY
Oh, yeah. Nosedive!
FJ LEWIS
No, no, no.
GUIDRY
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
FJ LEWIS
No, no. No, Gid, no. Maybe--
Sensing victory, Guidry offers the rolled up bill.
GUIDRY
Go for broke.
FJ LEWIS
OK. Just a taste.
GUIDRY
Good thinking, man.
FJ LEWIS does a moderate toot from the baggie. His face is
stricken, eyes wide and blinking as he wipes at his nose.
Guidry hands him the bottle of Old Crow.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It's a little harsh. Here.
Cannonball! Cannonball comin'
FJ takes a swig and immediately regrets it, swallowing half
and choking on the other as the liquid burns his throat.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Pretty good, right? You can't get
this stuff out in Hollywood.
FJ LEWIS
(coughing)
Wow, yeah. That's some good shit.
GUIDRY
Almost completely uncut. My
stockbroker Bernie gets it for me
special, straight from Panama.
Fucking Plutonium Nyborg, man.
FJ LEWIS
I think I can actually feel the
Earth vibrating.
GUIDRY
(enraptured)
Seven point eight three Hertz.
The pair exit the trailer, sniffing and pinching their noses
as they walk to the café's back door.
FJ LEWIS
That reminds me, you gotta give me
his number. The returns that guy's
getting are ridiculous. I wanna get
in before the market tanks again.
GUIDRY
I'm telling ya, the guy's a genius.
You can't lose, it's like stealing!
I can't figure out how he does it.
FJ LEWIS
He can have my 401k, hell he can
have my kid's college fund if he's
as good as you say he is.
GUIDRY
Insider tip: Load up on Enron, that
baby's about to go nucular.
FJ LEWIS
Nuclear.
GUIDRY
That's what I said. Mark my words,
your portfolio will thank me.
FJ LEWIS
We'll see, Gordon Gekko. Let's go.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
Cocaine and Culinary Courage
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The would-be star of America's Cultural Cuisine stands in
front of the bathroom mirror, geeked out of his mind.
GUIDRY
Never thought I'd say this, but I
think I did too much blow. My
throat is completely closed up.
Sorry Hollywood, but I don't think
I'll be able to swallow anything.
FJ LEWIS
Bullshit. Quit playing and let's
get this knocked out, Gid. All we
got left is the elk pemmican with
demi glace and chickweed. C'mon,
you can do this.
GUIDRY
You don't understand. I've been
served this dish once before in
Colorado, at a VIP Super Bowl
party. I still have nightmares.
FJ LEWIS
All right. You've had it before.
So, what's the big deal?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Guidry is at a banquet in a tuxedo with plate of food in
front of him. He takes a bite and turns green in the face.
His cheeks swell and he and pukes like a fire hydrant.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
I projectile vomited on John Elway.
We pull back to reveal a furious John Elway covered in barf.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'm banned from Denver to this day.
Guidry stands at an airport, suitcase in hand. A stern
airline employee shakes her head and points to the exit.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It's the one dish I can't eat.
FJ LEWIS
We're in the home stretch, don't
bail out on me now. You can do it,
you just need to psych yourself up.
Remember, it's mind over matter. If
you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
GUIDRY
Gee thanks, Vince Lombardi.
(to self in mirror)
You're a professional. You've faced
more daunting challenges in your
career. It's just stinky dried elk
smeared with bullshit berries and a
sprig of wild bullshit. Chickweed?
Who's afraid of that? Those are 2
of my favorite things.
(deep breath)
I said I'd do whatever it takes.
C'mon Hollywood, let's go finger
this avocado.
FJ LEWIS
I told you already, it's Reseda.
Wait. 'Finger this avocado'? That's
not, uh, really a thing. That we
say. In television. Ever. I mean,
what does that even mean?
GUIDRY
Don't tell me, Padawan. I heard
Julia Child say it once. You know
who Dame Julia Child is, don't you?
FJ LEWIS
Of course I know who Julia Child
is. I'm a producer for CHEF*TV.
GUIDRY
Well, I was there and I heard her
say it with my own ears, so I'm
gonna stick with that.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Julia stands in her TV kitchen. She splashes a sauté pan
with cooking sherry before taking a pull from the bottle.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Course she was drunk at the time
but the point is I heard her say
it. What a gal. An icon, really.
Julia walks off set, lights a cigarette and removes her
sweater, revealing a voluptuous figure. She alternates puffs
of her smoke and pulls from the sherry bottle.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You can't tell on TV, but Julie has
boobs that just won't quit. I know
this for a fact: They're real, and
they're spectacular. She was quite
a free spirit back in the day.
In a 60's Soho discotheque, mod Julia dances with wild
abandon, waving her arms to the groovy psychedelic rhythm.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And what a freak in the sack. A
total swinger. Groups, S&M, You
name it. She slept with everyone in
the studio at one time or another.
Directors, cameramen, parking lot
attendants, she took on all comers.
Julia and Guidry emerge from under a blanket. In the bed is
a man in a director's cap with a megaphone, a woman holding
a makeup brush, and a man with a boom mike. A donkey wanders
around the room smoking a cigarette.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Good times. I should give the old
girl a call, she gets the best
Quaaludes. One time, we partied
with the ACTUAL Chef Boyardee.
FJ LEWIS
Here we go--
GUIDRY
So, we're on a 3 day drinking
binge, covered head to toe in
pesto, and we're just going at it.
FJ LEWIS
We don't have time for this.
GUIDRY
Now, just as Beef-a-roni boy is
about to come, Jules grabs this
turkey baster, yells 'Here's your
spicy meatball' and jams it--
FJ LEWIS
That's great. Whatever. You can
finish your story later. Come on,
my buzz is wearing off and we need
to get this done before they close.
GUIDRY
Piece of cake. Don't forget who
you're working with, junior.
FJ LEWIS
One take Guidry?
GUIDRY
Your. God. Damned. Right.
FJ LEWIS
OK one take, let's go finger that
avocado. Don't call me Junior, my
name is Frank. And for the record,
you're only 12 years older than me.
The men toss away paper towels and prepare to leave. Guidry
opens the door, looking back as he exits:
GUIDRY
So your birth name is Francis?
FJ LEWIS
Don't call me Francis, either.
Great coke, by the way.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
Cultural Clashes at the Crow Flies Café
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - MOMENTS LATER
FJ LEWIS
Alright Gid, you're doing great!
We're almost done. I need you to
wrap up the pine-nut clusters bit
and then finish with the closing
monologue, OK? And---ACTION!
GUIDRY
These nuts are delicious, and such
a bargain at only a buck apiece! I
know I'd buy THAT for a dollar.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) (concluding)
I'd like to thank the fine folks at the Crow Flies Café for
welcoming me to Montana and filling my belly with the
traditional foods of the Native People. More importantly, I
want to thank them for filling my heart with their generous
spirit.
The 3 café workers roll their eyes in unison.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I had a wonderful time meeting the
staff and they couldn't have been
nicer. They welcomed me into their
lives and their workplace like I
was one of their own.
RAPHAEL
No we didn't.
GUIDRY
They'll always be family to me.
JANET
Not really. Not at all.
GUIDRY
You could say that makes me--
RAPHAEL
Don't say it.
GUIDRY
An official member of the tribe!
MAGGIE
For the love of God, here we go
again with the stereotypes.
GUIDRY
Or at least an honorary member.
JANET
Good Heavens no.
RAPHAEL
Jesus, Joseph and Mary--
GUIDRY
Well then, a trusted friend and
ally of the Native Peoples?
MAGGIE
Your ancestors committed genocide
against my ancestors.
RAPHAEL
Don't think we forgot about that.
GUIDRY
A beloved visitor?
JANET
(crosses herself)
May God have mercy on your soul.
The producer leans over to Rodney FJ LEWIS We'll fix it in
post.
GUIDRY
With so many unique ingredients and
unforgettable dishes to choose
from, I couldn't tell you which one
was my favorite. Don't ask me to
choose, they were all delicious.
Honestly, if I had a gun to my
head, I physically COULD NOT take
another bite, let alone swallow it.
Really, I just couldn't.
Guidry moves around the counter to close the show.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
So as we leave Montana for parts
unknown, I'd like to thank you for
joining us, and hope that you and
your tribe will join us next time.
(pivots)
You know, there's an awful lot you
can tell about a people by their
food. Our beautiful country is a
tasty place. If you don't stop and
take a bite once in awhile, you
could miss one of the fifty
wonderful flavors that make the
United States of America the
greatest world in the history of
the country.
The Native Americans smirk. Raffi coughs into his hand.
RAPHAEL
(coughing)
Bullshit!
GUIDRY
(quietly)
Hey, shut up Geronimo.
RAPHAEL
Fuck you, John Dunbar.
FJ LEWIS
We'll fix it in post.
Snatching a tiny pint-sized Old Glory from one of the
booths, the host freelances, turning inspirational and
offering a bit of homespun wisdom.
GUIDRY
My fellow Americans, when the going
gets tough and reality bites: Well,
no matter the circumstances, no
matter the odds, you've got to pull
yourself up by your bootstraps,
dust yourself off, bust out that
elbow grease and bite back!
He bends to scratch a scruffy mutt that has somehow wandered
onto the set. As contact is made, the little dog suddenly
has a go at him and Guidry is nearly nipped.
FJ LEWIS
(rolling his finger)
Don't worry, keep going.
Shaking it off, Guidry rises to deliver the coup de grâce
and stick the landing.
GUIDRY
So, come with me again next week,
as we head off the beaten track to
sample: America's Cultural Cuisine.
FJ LEWIS
Cut! Great job everyone! You killed
it, 2 Take.
GUIDRY
What did you call me?
MICHAEL
(softly)
We know, we'll fix it in post.
RODNEY
(stifling laughter)
Alright, let's get the plate in
here and get this over with.
GUIDRY
Are you really gonna make me do
this? C'mon, I ate the acorn mush.
Smiled as I did it. The Moose
tallow? Sucked it right down. Can't
we just use a body double?
FJ LEWIS
You don't have a body double.
Guidry grabs Mike by the shoulders and brings him into shot.
GUIDRY
Sure I do. You'll eat that elk,
won't you? Take one for the team.
MICHAEL
I'd rather eat a moccasin.
He turns to the Native American crew.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Sorry, you guys. No offense--
JANET
None taken.
MAGGIE
It's all good.
RAPHAEL
Yeah, it's cool.
GUIDRY
Wait a minute, Shitting Bull! You
got creased at me, but you let THAT
go, just because he's Chinese?
MICHAEL
I'm Laotian, actually.
GUIDRY
Close enough.
MAGGIE
Laos is actually in between
Thailand and Vietnam.
RAPHAEL
I've always wanted to go there.
MAGGIE
I took a geography course at the
community college last semester.
FJ LEWIS
Guidry, can I see you for minute?
RODNEY
Yeah, he wants to have a pow-wow.
Mike and all 3 staff members silently scowl at Rodney.
Raphael picks up his cleaver.
RAPHAEL
What did you say, white boy?
MICHAEL
(to Rodney)
Not cool, bro. I didn't get to ask
him about the peyote yet.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
Negotiations in the Bathroom
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
FJ tries to convince Guidry to eat the elk pemmican, the
last necessary scene of the shoot.
FJ LEWIS
Give me the weed back.
GUIDRY
What? Why? No!
FJ LEWIS
It's mine. I paid for it.
GUIDRY
But you gave it to me.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, and I'm taking it back. Come
on, cough it up.
GUIDRY
Why should I?
FJ LEWIS
Because you needed something and I
gave it to you. But when I asked
you for something--
GUIDRY
Oh, I see where you're going here.
FJ LEWIS
You couldn't be bothered. I went
out of my way to--
GUIDRY
So, what is this? Some kinda quid
pro quo thing happening here?
FJ LEWIS
You don't know what quid pro quo
means, do you?
GUIDRY
No, but I heard Emeril Lagasse say
it while he was tripping balls, so
I'm gonna go with that.
FJ LEWIS
Fair enough. I want to hear the
rest of that story later on.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (V.O.)
It was during an orgy at that
festival where everybody throws
tomatoes at each other and mashes
them on their naked bodies.
Boxes of tomatoes line a cobblestone street. Covered in red
stains, Guidry mashes a tomato onto Emeril's noggin. Emeril
splats one into Guidry's face.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We ended up covered in olive oil.
Guidry and Emeril's eyes lock. Romantic music swells as the
duo get very close, in anticipation of a kiss.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I should probably leave it there
out of respect.
FJ LEWIS
Was this in Italy?
GUIDRY
A Motel 6 somewhere in Tampa.
FJ digs in his Guidry's jacket pocket and takes his stash,
including the cocaine. Tucking the weed in his jeans pocket,
he holds the powder over the toilet.
FJ LEWIS
You gonna eat the elk?
GUIDRY
I'd rather die first.
FJ LEWIS
I can arrange that.
GUIDRY
Very funny, Han Solo Cup. Give it.
FJ LEWIS
Not until you agree to finish your
last contractually obligated shot.
GUIDRY
How many bites of that Apache Air
Jordan am I contractually obligated
to take?
FJ LEWIS
Just one.
GUIDRY
Fine. How many times do I have to
chew that fucking piece of
Necronomicon?
FJ LEWIS
I don't know. It is our featured
dish. We'll want to highlight it.
GUIDRY
Don't fuck with me Hollywood.
Guidry steps to the urinal, pissing loudly.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
HOW. MANY. CHEWS.
FJ LEWIS
Stop calling me Hollywood. 50.
GUIDRY
50? Try 20. Gimme my coke numbnuts.
FJ LEWIS
Nope. 1 bite, 50 chews. That's the
deal. Take it or leave it.
GUIDRY
Well I ain't giving you no 50 chews
for no coke.
FJ LEWIS
Oh then you ain't getting no coke.
Know what I'm talking about?
FJ opens Guidry's baggie and prepares to dump and flush.
Guidry's resolve is weak:
GUIDRY
Wait! What if I give you 2 bites
and 20 chews for each?
FJ LEWIS
That'll work, One Take.
He reseals Guidry's baggie and tosses it to him.
GUIDRY
You drive a hard bargain, sir.
FJ LEWIS
That's Hollywood for you. Or in my
case, Reseda.
GUIDRY
Hey, Reseda?
FJ LEWIS
What? Our negotiations have
concluded. See you at the table.
Nice doing business with you chump!
Guidry flushes, turns as he zips and puts his hand out.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
You want me to shake your hand? Are
you joking? You were just touching
your dick.
GUIDRY
It's a custom that once a business
deal's concluded that the 2 parties
shake hands. It implies good faith.
FJ LEWIS
I'm not familiar with that custom.
GUIDRY
C'mon Ahab: kybo mein doobage. I
got shit to do.
FJ LEWIS
To think where that hand has been.
Frank hands the pot to Guidry. He tucks it away and smirks.
GUIDRY
Y'know, there's a word for someone
who gives you something and then
takes it back for no reason. Do you
know what they call that person?
Raphael's imposing frame enters the cramped restroom to pee.
FJ LEWIS
Nah, man. No idea. What DO you call
someone who gives you something and
then takes it back for no reason?
The big man glances over at Guidry, awaiting his reply.
GUIDRY
Never mind.
RAPHAEL
Asshole.
GUIDRY
What? I didn't say anything.
RAPHAEL
No. The answer to the question is
asshole. I had a friend who gave me
a bike once. 2 days later he took
it back. He was an asshole.
FJ LEWIS
Enjoy your elk, HOT Take.
GUIDRY
Thanks, asshole. Ok, how about
this? When you're at a sporting
event and you need a ticket, who do
you look for?
RAPHAEL
Gary.
GUIDRY
Gary?
FJ LEWIS
Who's Gary?
RAPHAEL
Gary's my brother-in-law.
FJ LEWIS
The one who shit himself?
RAPHAEL
No, not that one. A different one.
He saw the Great Spirit once, too.
But he lies a lot, so, you never
know. Besides, scalping was mostly
a European practice going back
centuries. We said 'fuck you' and
did it back to them, but then they
turned around and blamed it all on
us. So, call my brother-in-law
Gary. He works at the stadium. He
can get you tickets. He gets an
employee discount. We all root
AGAINST the home team here anyways.
GUIDRY
Makes sense to me. Fuck the
Cowboys.
RAPHAEL
Sometimes we'll go to the stadium
and use our tickets just to boo.
FJ LEWIS
I thought they only did that in
Philly.
RAPHAEL
And don't get me started with that
Washington football team.
GUIDRY
Y'know haystack, I like your style.
RAPHAEL
I know you have to leave Helena,
but it isn't all bad, is it?
GUIDRY
Not even half bad. I think I've
really quite enjoyed it.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) (to Frank)
Hey Hollywood, I mean, Reseda: One more question?
FJ LEWIS
What's that?
GUIDRY
Spit or swallow?
PRODUCER
Excuse me?
GUIDRY
You heard me Spider, you fucking
rat. SPIT. OR. SWALLOW?
RAPHAEL
Are you giving or receiving?
FJ LEWIS
Huh?
RAPHAEL
Swallow.
GUIDRY
No thank you.
RAPHAEL
I wasn't offering.
GUIDRY
So? Just your opinion?
RAPHAEL
I thought you were asking which
he'd prefer--
FJ LEWIS
(laughing)
DAMN! That kind of burn's gonna
require a series of skin grafts.
(to Raphael)
My man.
He daps up RAPHAEL, continuing:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Spit or Swallow is a food show
thing. The host doesn't swallow
everything you see them eating.
(MORE)
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) Honestly they
couldn't, because they would get
fat and sick, and Americans in
general would rather not see those
people. So, most of the time the
hosts spit it out and give the
leftovers to the crew.
GUIDRY
What do you mean, 'those people'?
FJ LEWIS
Not now, asshole. We used to give
the extra food to the homeless, but
the last time we did the cops gave
us a ticket, so the network won't
let us do that any more.
RAPHAEL
We feed our leftovers to the dog.
GUIDRY
Yeah, well your dog almost bit me.
RAPHAEL
It's not my dog.
FJ LEWIS
These shows waste so much food, if
I'm honest. It's OK, though. The
crew appreciates it, and they
deserve it.
GUIDRY
Well, just keep Cujo out there on a
leash before he becomes Old Yeller.
FJ LEWIS
As unpaid interns, it's a nice
benefit. I mean perk, since they
don't get benefits, either. They
get great exposure, so that makes
up for not getting paid. It's
totally worth it. Anyway--
The huge man dries his hands and turns to Guidry.
RAPHAEL
Want to grab a beer and talk
football after we're done?
GUIDRY
Thank you, no. I'm straight.
RAPHAEL
What is it you're afraid of? Scared
of catching 'The Gay'? It's the
year 2000, I thought America was
past all that nonsense.
FJ LEWIS
Y'know, tasting new things DOES
kinda come with the territory--
GUIDRY
Stay out of this, Hollywood.
RAPHAEL
(chuckles)
Suit yourself. Besides, I've seen
you on TV, Chicken Man. Looked to
me like you enjoy getting freaky.
GUIDRY
Hey! I was young and needed the
money, Stands with Fist up Butt.
RAPHAEL
Don't get so defensive, I'm just
messing with you. You're a good-
looking man. Who knows, you might
like it. Bok bok!
FJ LEWIS
You really DO have a pretty mouth.
GUIDRY
If you say another word, you lose a
testicle.
The affable giant laughs and opens the door to leave.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Hey Tonto, wait!
RAPHAEL
What?
GUIDRY
Can you get me some peyote?
RAPHAEL
No. Now go home and get your
fucking shine box.
The door closes. Guidry crosses his arms.
GUIDRY
I can't do it.
FJ LEWIS
It's in your contract.
GUIDRY
We'll get Rodney to do it.
FJ LEWIS
Fat chance. Not after that stunt
you pulled in Albuquerque. You
almost got him shot in the foot.
GUIDRY
I TOLD him to take the left. I
can't help it if he doesn't know
his left from his right. Besides,
so what? He ALMOST got shot in the
foot. But he didn't. What is it, a
big deal? He'll do it. He just
needs the right motivation. We'll
just see what a finski can do for
that guy's attitude.
FJ LEWIS
Doesn't matter. It's gotta be you.
On camera. Eating food. ALL the
food. Or else you don't get paid.
GUIDRY
Alright Frank. I'll do it. For you.
But when we get out of Montana,
remind me to fire my fucking agent.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
The Pemmican Challenge
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The entire production crew is chanting 'GID-REE, GID-REE'.
The host enters the room like a prizefighter, a towel around
his neck. psyching himself up. His opponent is a 4-inch long
plank of dried, extremely cured elk meat. Guidry stares down
at the purple-black obelisk.
GUIDRY
So, my old nemesis. We meet again.
I guess this was inevitable. I'm
afraid the stakes are simply too
high this time, and today, only one
of us is gonna walk away from this
table. Spoiler alert: That will be
me. You will not be so lucky, old
chum. Welcome to your doom, you
vile rectangle of Death.
He puts knife and fork to pemmican. Neither can dent it's
puckered, berry-smeared armor. The fork's tines bend as he
saws away with the knife.
MICHAEL
That dog won't hunt, better get a
chainsaw!
The sound man hands his electrician's shears to Guidry.
RODNEY
Try these bad boys. They can cut
clean through a rhino horn.
FJ LEWIS
What? Rhino horn?
RODNEY
Hey, I have a life outside this job
too, y'know.
Guidry nips off 2 tiny triangles of Woe.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, the camera can barely see
those. Cut some bigger pieces.
GUIDRY
NO. That's it. I'm ready. Let's
finger this avocado.
MICHAEL
Huh?
FJ LEWIS
It's a thing.
RODNEY
No it's not.
GUIDRY
Shut the hell up, all of you! Is
the camera ready?
MICHAEL
Ready when you are.
GUIDRY
Alright then.
(steeling himself)
It begins.
FJ LEWIS
Alright people, this is not a
drill. Everybody ready? And,
ACTION!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
Guidry's Wild Tales and Crew Commitment
EXT. - FRONT OF THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON
With a picturesque backdrop and long shadows, the crew are
almost finished packing up. The trailer is hooked to the
CHEF*TV van, but Guidry and Rodney are nowhere to be found.
Some minutes later, the host reappears as Mike loads a final
crate and closes the van door.
FJ LEWIS
Hey, I was looking for you, where'd
you get to? Figured you'd be in the
trailer stuffing your nose with
plutonium nyborg by now.
GUIDRY
That's true, but there was a dish
the chef really wanted me to taste.
MICHAEL
(outraged)
Wait, you hated everything! You
kept saying: I'm not gonna try it.
Let's get Mikey! Well Mikey ain't
trying it either, pal.
GUIDRY
That's life, I guess.
FJ LEWIS
Where's Neumann?
GUIDRY
I sent him on an errand.
Rodney arrives holding a briefcase and hands it to Guidry.
RODNEY
There was a call for you inside.
You ride's gonna be a few minutes
late.
GUIDRY
Dammit! Whatever, as long as he
gets here before the ex-wife finds
out where I am. I owe her a few
years of back alimony.
FJ LEWIS
How many is that in TV years?
GUIDRY
Fuck you, State of California. I
only moved there for the weed,
anyway. Dammit, Humboldt County,
why can't I quit you?
FJ LEWIS
You have an ex? Wait, YOU were
married?
GUIDRY
Oh yeah. Drunk in Vegas. One of
those quickie weddings, y'know. Our
publicists kept it out of the
Enquirer.
The host pulls a photo from his wallet and shares it with
the curious crewmembers.
MICHAEL
Schwing! She's a robo-babe! What
say you, Hot Rod?
RODNEY
She's definitely a fine example of
Babia Majora. You were married to
HER? How does THAT happen?
FJ LEWIS
Seriously Gid, she's completely
outta your league, man. Shit, she's
more famous than YOU. Way more!
(ruefully)
Jeez, and after the hours I've
spent holding up her poster with
one hand--
Guidry puts the picture away. Smiling softly to himself, he
reminisces:
GUIDRY
(wistful)
Ah yes, lovely Pamela. What a
woman! Couldn't trust her, though.
She had a fling with Rick Steves
while I was in rehab that second
time. Can't really blame her, she
always had a thing for him.
FJ LEWIS
I still can't believe you were
married, especially to HER. Wait?
Rick Steves? As in: 'Mayonnaise on
White Bread' Rick Steves? Mister
'European Vacation' himself?
GUIDRY
Let me tell you about THAT guy.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
With his back to camera, Rick Steves stands pissing. Covered
in tattoos and wearing a mesh tank top, he smashes an empty
wine bottle to the ground. Pulling back, we see that he is
peeing on the Eiffel Tower.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
What can I say, women love a bad
boy: Onscreen, he's Mister Rogers.
Rick stands giving an interview in a long-sleeved shirt and
sweater.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But let me tell ya: Offscreen, he's
Hunter S. fucking Thompson!
director yells 'cut'! Rick kicks his interview subject out
of frame and rips off the sweater, revealing a Hawaiian
shirt.
Rick puts on a visor and sunglasses before chugging a bottle
of Wild Turkey. In his mouth is a long cigarette holder. He
pulls out a large revolver and uses it to shoot the tip of
his Dunhill, lighting it.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
What an animal!
FJ LEWIS
You know, I think I DID hear that
somewhere.
The producer motions to Guidry:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
What do you have there, Gid?
Guidry pats the briefcase.
GUIDRY
Oh, this? Just a little memento
from Big Sky Country.
FJ LEWIS
Drugs?
GUIDRY
Sure, I thought you'd never ask.
Whatcha got?
FJ LEWIS
Nothing. Like, not even a roach.
You smoked all my weed. Literally
ALL the pot is gone, and I'm from
California, so I brought a LOT of
pot. Of all the people I've worked
with, it's like, you and Willie
Nelson, I swear to God. I salute
you.
GUIDRY
You are doing the Lord's work, my
son. Thank you for your donation.
Give till it hurts, that's what I
say. Whether you know it or not,
you are facilitating the creation
of television history, my good man.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, well, I don't know about
that.
GUIDRY
After all, this program was made
possible in part by charitable
contributions to your friendly
neighborhood TV host from
viewers like you. Thank you!
FJ LEWIS
Your welcome. But I really think
we're just scratching the surface
here, Gid. This show can be about
so much more than food: We've
gotten great B roll and you've
interviewed some really interesting
people. Feels like we're making
quality television here. Just think
how good you could be sober. You've
been nominated for 3 Daytime Emmys
and 2 Golden Globes. I bet you'd
win a few if you just gave up the
drugs!
GUIDRY
I don't know, Reseda. Awards were
never my thing. Besides, I think
drugs have done some great things
for today's cable television food
show hosts. I really mean that.
FJ LEWIS
Accredited medical professionals
worldwide and every single law
enforcement organization in America
would disagree.
GUIDRY
Oh, well, allow me to retort: The
public would be shocked if they
knew the truth.
Michael and Rodney rejoin the others to listen. The circle
of trust now complete, Guidry explains:
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Food shows used to be boring. In
the past, everybody was sober, and
it showed. It was dull chefs doing
dull things in dull kitchens from
dull camera angles. Those shows
were lame, lame, lame and the
ratings reflected that.
FJ and crew nod in agreement.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
But that all changed once the cable
companies started sniffing around
the kitchen. They had new twenty- 4
hour specialty channels that were
starving for content.
FJ LEWIS
Not any more.
MICHAEL
Yeah, everybody's got a food show
these days.
GUIDRY
Well, it turns out that the usual
suspects just couldn't get
audiences excited. Ratings were in
the toilet across the board. They
were so desperate for talent they
even considered hiring Donald
effing Trump.
RODNEY
Wow. That's really desperate.
MICHAEL
What kind of idiot would enjoy
watching that illiterate asshole on
prime-time television?
GUIDRY
I know, right? Ew. Can you imagine?
But that's where I came in. I saw
the handwriting on the wall. The
network advertisers wanted a
different kind of food show host. A
CELEBRITY food show host. They
wanted both sizzle AND steak. I
wanted steak too, and I had sizzle
to burn.
FJ LEWIS
Sizzle?
MICHAEL
I get what he's saying. He had,
like, y'know-- zazz.
RODNEY
Yeah, the network wanted to zazz
things up a little--
FJ LEWIS
Could you 2 please stop saying
zazz?
GUIDRY
(continuing)
So, long story short: they offered
to pay for the steak and we were
off and running. They ordered us to
film a sample program and sent us
out to make an hour of cutting-edge
television. We filmed my first
pilot while I was on 4 hits of LSD.
RODNEY
Awesome! Totally awesome.
MICHAEL
Alright, !
GUIDRY
Not on purpose, my roommate put it
in my coffee as a joke.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) (fondly)
Augie Owsley, what a character! I wonder what ever happened
to that guy?
FJ LEWIS
Holy shit, Dock Ellis.
GUIDRY
No biggie, I used to forget which
day it was all the time back then.
I still can't remember half of the
last season of 'Bite That Weiner'.
RODNEY
The hot dog show! I remember that!
MICHAEL
Me too!
GUIDRY
Every episode was a drunken, drug-
fueled bacchanalia. But it killed
in the ratings. People loved it.
FJ LEWIS
It had that great opening: 'I'm
your host, Guidry Cloche. Every
week, we hit the street to find and
eat that tubular meat you just
can't beat'.
GUIDRY
I was especially proud of our
exposé on the spy ring at Hebrew
National.
FJ LEWIS
You guys got in a lot of trouble
for that, if I remember.
GUIDRY
We all got fired.
MICHAEL
That sucks, I loved that show.
GUIDRY
I learned an important lesson that
day, gentlemen.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, never piss off the Mossad.
RODNEY
What can I say? We answer to a
higher authority.
GUIDRY
Anyway, a few years back, that lost
pilot got leaked and went viral
with college kids and culinary
school students.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
At the Culinary Institute of America, on a sectional in the
common area, white-jacketed young people sit watching TV.
They point at the screen as Guidry shaves his tongue.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They would snort Ritalin and
Adderall and have viewing parties
where everyone got freaky.
One of the students puts 2 tablets onto the coffee table and
crushes them into powder. With straws to noses, the group
descends like vultures to snort up the pile. The partygoers
lift their heads, and Guidry is among them. He leans back
and lights a joint, buzzed and smiling.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Man, those were the glory days. I
could walk into any Culinary school
in America and they treated me like
a rock star. I even had groupies.
Guidry kisses the cheek of a fan when a perky brunette
interrupts and starts drunkenly making out with him.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And that's how I met Rachael Ray.
END FLASHBACK
FJ LEWIS
You were 'must see' TV back then.
GUIDRY
Then there was that episode of
Entrée Flagranté where I fucked a
rotisserie chicken.
FJ LEWIS
That was you?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Guidry stands in front of a rack of twirling roast chicken,
back turned to the camera. Reaching in, he removes a golden
brown bird carcass.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
Standards and Practices came down
pretty hard on us for that one.
Guidry raises a beer and pops a blue pill. He drunkenly
tosses the empty bottle and unbuttons his trousers.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They knew people would complain, so
they blurred out the good stuff.
As the camera crew films, Guidry carnally pounds away at the
cooked fowl, a black bar covering his eyes as well as the
chicken's. Pixelated blocks cover the action.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Of course, you can't show actual
penetration in America, but Japan
got the full Monty.
A heavyset Japanese couple sits watching TV on their sofa,
looking traumatized, mouths hanging open. The wife points,
as the TV screen shows Guidry lying passed out, covered in
grease. An oven-stuffer roaster remains affixed to his
groin. The couple look at each other, than over to the
dinner table where a cooked chicken sits on a platter.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I became an overnight sensation on
Yahoo and ratings skyrocketed. Not
to brag, but my work singlehandedly
changed the world of basic cable.
Once I arrived on the scene, the
bar was raised. Soon, every food
show was trying to keep pace.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A young man stands at the entrance of a restaurant with the
film crew from I'LL EAT THAT! He looks dubiously at a sign
that reads: 72 OUNCE STEAK CHALLENGE.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The networks kept demanding more
extreme content. Some guys needed
convincing, so the network called
in some consultants to help.
The crew throws the reluctant host into a waiting limousine.
Inside is Snoop Dogg holding an enormous joint. The limo
roars off, only to return a second later from the opposite
direction. The door opens and a cloud of smoke billows out.
From the fog emerges newly made over Hood Rat: Adam 'Puffy'
Richman. Eyes red and half-closed, he grins to reveal a gold
'FOODIE MOB' grill. Snoop's limo transforms into a 'Back to
the Future' time machine and disappears.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In the end, hosts were getting
loaded for the camera, forgetting
their lines, passing out on set,
puking up the food they were
sampling, and nodding off in the
middle of their closing segment.
The stoned man waves to the camera as he is escorted to a
table and pushed into a seat. A napkin is tied around his
neck and a cowboy uses a forklift to deliver a Brontosaurus-
sized steak. Adam licks his chops and digs in.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But viewers loved it! Advertisers
were happy, and the money rolled
in. Nothing lasts forever, though.
Hooked up to a beeping heart monitor and looking like Jabba
the Hut, Adam Richman is wheeled in on a dolly. In front of
him is a giant stack of manhole-sized pancakes. He takes a
syrup dripping bite, grasps his chest and keels over to the
sound of a flatlining heart monitor.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It was a fine line. Most of my
contemporaries were lightweights,
and one even had to have an
adrenaline needle jammed through
their breastplate.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I was at a party in England where
Gordon Ramsay got all fucked up on
mushrooms. It was a real nightmare.
Guidry stands formally dressed, cocktail in hand, chatting
with José Andrés. Naked Gordon Ramsay bursts into the room
with wild eyes and a baby sheep in his arms.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He ran around screaming 'Queen
Elizabeth is a man' and 'Winston
Churchill was full of shit'. Then
he punched a cabbie, stole his car
and drove around with a slaughtered
lamb in the back seat.
A black taxi careens through the streets of London. Covered
in flour, Chef Ramsay hangs out the window like Heath Ledger
in the Dark Knight. He sideswipes a double-decker bus and
runs over ten English bobbies like bowling pins.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He drove off London Bridge and they
had to fish him out of the Thames.
Barreling towards the open bridge, the lamb carcass is
chucked from the cab and flattens a member of the Queen's
Guard as he stands on the steps of Buckingham Palace.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Huge scandal. Paparazzi hounded him
for weeks. It made for great TV
though, and viewership doubled.
Nobody was charged because the
Queen had a thing with Gordon, so
MI6 and the BBC kept it out of the
tabloids, but we all know what
really happened.
END FLASHBACK
Guidry gathers his crew together in a huddle.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Listen, this show may be my last
chance to make it big and I need
your help. You guys gonna come
along with me in these things I
have to do or what?
MICHAEL
I'll do it. I've got nothing else
going on and film classes don't
start for a few months.
RODNEY
Why not? Sure beats work release.
FJ LEWIS
Work release?
RODNEY
Long story. I got caught with
contraband at the Nairobi airport.
GUIDRY
Smuggling drugs? I would have had
you pick me up something.
RODNEY
Nah. Rhino horn.
FJ LEWIS
Knew there was more to that story!
GUIDRY
What about you, Mr. hotshot network
television producer. Are you in?
Guidry extends his hand with an eager smile.
FJ LEWIS
I'll let you know in 6 weeks.
The crew grumbles and FJ accepts the handshake.
GUIDRY
So be it. I respect your decision.
FJ LEWIS
And Gid, you really need to get a
cellphone. I mean, get with the
program, it's the 21st Century.
GUIDRY
Those things give you cancer.
FJ LEWIS
Aww, that's crazy talk--
MICHAEL
(to Guidry)
Hey, I think your ride's here.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
15 -
Banter and Brotherhood at the Café
EXT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - CONTINUOUS
Wealthy cowboy TODD PACKER emerges from a lifted 4x4 pickup.
TODD PACKER
Hey foodie, I got something you can
put in your mouth.
GUIDRY
Well look who it is: Hopalong
Chastity, the virgin cowboy. Better
hide the farm animals, Martha.
TODD PACKER
You sure have come a long way since
college, Squidrey.
GUIDRY
Eat my shorts, Yosemite Sam.
TODD PACKER
You're wearing shorts now? I
thought you preferred lacy pink
panties. What's next, a thong?
The verbal barbs are followed a bro hug.
Preparing to go their separate ways, the crew bids farewell
to Guidry and his buddy as they climb into the idling truck.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
Bromantic Adventures and Catchphrases
INT. - TRUCK - FRONT SEAT - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY
Yo Dumb Guns, I forgot to ask, did
you bring the Plutonium Nyborg?
TODD PACKER
That's a big 10-4.
Todd produces a briefcase and opens it away from camera, the
unseen content's golden glow mimicking Pulp Fiction.
GUIDRY
Snowman shoots and scores!
TODD PACKER
What about you, what you got in the
trunk? You said you were having
trouble with your hookup.
GUIDRY
I got it. Told you I would do
whatever it took.
Donning handmade Italian sunglasses, he whips a similar
briefcase onto the truck seat, opening it dramatically.
Guidry is momentarily bathed in X-rays, in homage to Repo
Man. He removes the designer shades and rummages inside.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Don't ask me what I had to do to
get it, though.
(wipes mouth)
Let's go find the Loc-Nar.
TODD PACKER
I've been thinking about this, Gid:
You should have a catchphrase,
y'know, like BAM!
GUIDRY
Lagasse stole it from me, that
hack! I came up with that one night
when we were partying with Jacques
Pepin and Mario Batali in the VIP
suite at Scores.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
In the neon Babylon of the Asti Spumante Room, 4 surgically
enhanced ladies hoover the cash from 4 soused patrons.
Bouncing butt cheeks hide the men's faces, as a bottle of
Dom Pérignon is passed between the hedonists.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Every time that toasted Frenchman
slapped a stripper's ass, I would
yell 'BAM!'
As the night progresses, Emeril and Gid are making it rain
for the crowd. Batali and Chef Pepin smoke from a hookah as
hardworking girls scoop buckets of cash with glee. Jacques
attempts to take a shot of Jack, but drunkenly tosses it
over his shoulder.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Long story short, we got thrown out
because Batali couldn't keep his
hands off the merchandise.
With arms covering her chest, a busty entertainer points to
Mario Batali, who holds a bikini top in his teeth.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They threw us out into the gutter
with the rest of the scum.
Bouncers toss the men into a pile of trash bags littering
the sidewalk of a grimy Big Apple. The rowdy revelers look
up just as an orange-haired hobo stumbles by like a toddler,
chasing a dollar bill being pulled on a fishing line.
TODD PACKER (V.O.)
Nice guy. Ran into him once at some
fetish club in Moscow.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY
Water under the bridge. After we
hung out in Tampa, Emeril and I
became pretty tight.
Guidry finds a TEAM TATONKA bowling shirt in the briefcase.
Touched, he looks over to the Crow Flies Café and smiles.
TODD PACKER
Very cool. So, you're like a member
of the tribe now? Blood brothers.
GUIDRY
Something like that.
The stitched-on name reads: ASWEELS
TODD PACKER
Is that your tribal name: ASWEELS?
Subtitle: SWALLOW
GUIDRY
I guess it is, Kemosabe. Y'know, If
you can't love each other, how the
hell can you love someone else?
TODD PACKER
Hey, now that's profound. THAT
should be your catchphrase.
GUIDRY
I think it's already taken. How
about: Don't dream it, be it?
TODD PACKER
FUCK. YES. Go with that.
GUIDRY
I'll have to run it past my agent,
but that's not why I'm here today.
TODD PACKER
It's not?
Guidry lights a joint and passes it to his friend.
GUIDRY
Nope. I have come here today to get
wasted and kick ass.
The frat brothers high 5.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
And I'm already wasted. Let's go
play with your big gun.
TODD PACKER
I thought you'd never ask.
Joint in mouth, Todd tokes and cranks up the tunes.
TODD PACKER (CONT'D)
Watch this, my carbon neutral
friend. It's the latest thing. The
kids call it 'coal rolling'.
EXT. - STREET OUTSIDE CROW FLIES CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Todd kicks out the jams as they pull away from the curb. The
rhinestone cowboy guns the engine and the truck belches a
noxious cloud of diesel smoke that engulfs the TV crew.
As they roar off, a set of gold-plated truck nuts sway
underneath a bumper sticker that reads: 'If you can read
this, I'm reloading. We'll be with you momentarily'.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Reflections at the Café
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Observing the deplorable cloud of truck exhaust from inside
the front of the café, Janet, Maggie, and Raphael
sorrowfully shake their heads. Beside them in a woven chair
sits an incredibly old Native woman. The unfathomably old
person grimaces and mutters in her indecipherable native
tongue. The owner nods in agreement.
JANET
You are so right. Douchebags.
MAGGIE
What did she say?
RAPHAEL
Wait? You couldn't understand her?
MAGGIE
What do you want from me? I'm
Shoshone. Has she been here all
this time?
JANET
She was here when I moved in, back
in the pantry with the dried
apricots. Her dog is around here
somewhere. I think we won her in
some treaty with the Blackfeet.
MAGGIE
How old is she anyway?
JANET
I have no idea. Heck, I don't think
SHE knows. Every time I ask she
gives me a different answer.
RAPHAEL
You're Shoshone, girlfriend? Cause
I thought your color palette just
screamed Navajo.
MAGGIE
Really? That's so sweet--
A scruffy mutt trots in and sits beside his aged master. The
ancient woman mutters another stream of gibberish, eliciting
a snort of amusement from the brawny cook.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
What did she say this time?
RAPHAEL
She said it reminds her of
something her great-grandfather
used to say: 'We should have killed
them when we had the chance'.
SUPER: FALL 2000
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Evaluating 'AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE'
INT. CHEF*TV EXECUTIVE OFFICES - DAY
Network suits encircle a large oval table, watching the
pilot episode of AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE. From the wall's
recessed monitor, basic cable host GUIDRY CLOCHE wraps up
his closing monologue with a rousing musical flourish.
The assembled EXECUTIVES watch and compare notes.
EXECUTIVE 1
Well, that was a pleasant surprise.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
Certainly not what I was expecting,
especially from him.
EXECUTIVE 2
I agree. That was actually quite
good. Pretty compelling stuff.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
He really stepped up his game.
EXECUTIVE 1
It's that new producer. CBS is
still pissed.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
This is going to be a tougher
decision than I thought.
EXECUTIVE 2
Hey chief, I have an idea...
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
Traffic Triumph
EXT. LOS ANGELES FREEWAY - LATER
TV producer FJ LEWIS sits stuck in traffic, sweating and
miserable as neighboring commuters honk in frustration.
A dreamcatcher adorns the rearview mirror and a drop of
perspiration hangs on the tip of his nose. He cranks up the
A/C while the car sits literal yards from his exit.
His cellphone rings and he turns down the radio.
FJ LEWIS
This is Frank. Uh-huh.
(pause)
Oh, hey! What did they think?
His eyebrows knit, but in a moment his expression brightens.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I'm really glad. What?
(pause)
Really? That's great!
Frank mutes his phone and joins the chorus of angry drivers,
honking the horn and proclaiming:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
That's what I'm talking about!
He composes himself and calmly resumes speaking.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Yeah, sorry. I'm here.
(pause)
No, no problems at all. Like a
well-oiled machine. Guidry? Oh,
he's the real deal. Total pro.
The producer smiles and fist pumps the air triumphantly.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Thank you, it means so much to me.
His joy is short lived. He listens with a puzzled look.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Sure, I mean, we can do that.
(pause)
I'll let them know. Let me make a
few calls.
(pause)
I will. Alright, you too. Thanks
again. Bye.
FJ hangs up as the rush hour logjam breaks free. He takes
the Reseda exit and makes a call with a smile on his face.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
Mixed Blessings
EXT. RESEDA - MOMENTS LATER
Frank pulls into the driveway of a non-descript suburban
home. Still on the phone, he exits the car and accidentally
closes the door on his shirt.
FJ LEWIS
He what? Of course he did. Well,
how long has he been there?
(pause)
I don't know. Is that a felony?
Frank pulls his shirt free and looks at his watch.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Lemme see what I can do. You guys
get your bags packed. I'll pick you
up at 7:30.
FJ hangs up and looks to the sky in despair. He sighs
heavily, shakes his head and walks to the front door.
It opens from inside, and a giggling 4 year-old barrels into
his legs. MONICA LEWIS leans in and greets him with a kiss.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I've got good news and bad news.
MONICA LEWIS
What's the good news?
FJ LEWIS
We're getting picked up. I'm
officially the producer of a show.
His proud wife smiles and hugs her husband.
MONICA LEWIS
Oh babe, that's incredible! Your
hard work's finally paying off.
(frowns)
Wait, what's the bad news?
FJ LEWIS
Well, here's the thing---
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
The Release Process
INT. LEWIS & CLARK COUNTY JAIL - THE NEXT MORNING
As a bespectacled female officer sits doing paperwork, FJ
pokes his head inside the door, enters and approaches the
window. Without looking up, the CLERK speaks.
CLERK
Yes? May I help you?
FJ LEWIS
I hope so.
CLERK
Dropping off or picking up?
FJ LEWIS
Picking up. The name's Cloche. I
called earlier.
CLERK
Oh yes. Detective Foley's cousin.
FJ LEWIS
That's right. Sorry for the
misunderstanding. He's with us.
CLERK
Always glad to help out the LAPD.
It'll take me a minute to get his
release forms finished. This way.
The woman rises and pushes a button. A buzzer sounds, the
security door opens, and they walk to the holding cells.
CLERK (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
He was naked and hallucinating when
we brought him in. We had no idea
he was working with the DEA.
FJ LEWIS
(mumbling)
Yeah well, neither did he.
CLERK
What was that?
FJ LEWIS
I mean, he's like, deep undercover
on this case. Really deep.
CLERK
(skeptically)
You don't say?
They arrive at another door. She unlocks it, holds it open.
CLERK (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
In here. He's past the others. The
last cell. You keep to the right.
FJ LEWIS
Thank you for your help, Officer--
Frank glances at her security badge.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Barney.
CLERK
Call me Janine. I'll get you his
paperwork.
Genres:
["Drama","Crime"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
The Mysterious Escape
EXT. HOLDING CELL - CONTINUOUS
FJ finds Guidry standing in a prison jumpsuit with his hands
at his side and his hair slicked back like Hannibal Lecter.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Good evening, Francis.
FJ LEWIS
You know, somehow I always knew
you'd end up here eventually.
The buzzer sounds and the cell opens. They head to the exit.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
What happened to your buddy?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Let's just say the federal
government has a low opinion of
international arms dealers.
FJ LEWIS
So?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, we won't be seeing him no more.
FJ LEWIS
Well, The boys are waiting outside.
Let's get the hell out of Dodge.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Why are THEY here? Wait, where are
we going?
FJ LEWIS
You'll see.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
The Taste of Truth
INT. CHEF*TV STUDIOS' CULINARY ARENA - AFTERNOON
Production staff makes last minute preparations inside the
glass and metal confines of the cavernous Culinary Arena.
Fish are lined up in neat rows on ice and fresh produce is
positioned just so for the camera. At the rear of the set, a
hanging backdrop sports a logo that reads: TASTE OF VICTORY.
Guidry paces nervously around his assigned cooking station,
staring at the rows of empty seats. FJ joins him, picks up a
spatula and playfully flips it around in his hand.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Fuck me.
FJ LEWIS
Huh? This is gonna be great
exposure for the show.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
There may not BE a show after this.
FJ LEWIS
Wait, what?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Don't worry, you'll be fine, but my
career will be over.
FJ LEWIS
Why is that?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
In a little over 3 hours, I will be
publicly humiliated on live TV.
FJ LEWIS
How do you figure? You said
yourself that this other guy was
just a glorified line cook.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You don't understand.
FJ LEWIS
With your years of experience, you
oughta smoke that fool.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Yeah, about that. I never--
FJ LEWIS
Oh, I get it. You've never competed
against another chef?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
It's not that. It's just-- I can't-
FJ LEWIS
Nervous about the live audience?
Don't be, just picture everyone in
their underwear. Nothing to it.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I don't know how to cook!
FJ drops the spatula. It clatters noisily to the floor.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I'm not a chef. Never was. There, I
said it.
FJ LEWIS
Fuck me.
FADE TO BLACK
SUPER: Guidry will return in BAD FOODIE Part Two
CREDITS
Music: 'Long Slow Goodbye' by Queens of the Stone Age
Cut to a photo of a man eating noodles on a street in Asia.
SUPER: Anthony Bourdain (1956-2018)
POST CREDITS SCENE
INT - THEATER
A HUGE MF CELEBRITY stands on an empty stage.
HUGE MF CELEBRITY
(to camera)
If you or someone you know is
having suicidal thoughts, please
call the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at 800-273
8255, or find help online at
suicide prevention lifeline dot
org. Free confidential counseling
is available 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week. Did I mention it's FREE?
You get a counsellor, you get a
counsellor, and yes, you get a
counsellor too! So no excuses,
alright? Thank you.
The HUGE MF CELEBRITY adjusts his Kangol.
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
As for me, I believe every life is
worth saving, and by just reaching
out and showing a little everyday
kindness, you could save the life
of another human being. Something
as simple as asking a friend about
their feelings could make all the
difference, so don't ignore the
warning signs.
(pivots)
Now pay attention, because I'm
about to impart a little wisdom,
some real Dali Lama type stuff,
clue you in to The Meaning of Life.
Now this is important, so write
this down. You ready? Here goes:
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
'Feed each other with kindness and
your plate will always be full'.
Swirling his tasty beverage in a rocks glass, he continues:
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
And there it is, the Meaning of
Life. You're welcome. I like that,
I mean what a concept, am I right?
(MORE)
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
So take a moment to ponder that
sometime while you enjoy a Negroni
with your fellow Earthlings. Now, I
know what you're thinking: 'That's
just a slogan. An easy answer', and
ordinarily you'd be right. But
sometimes it really is that simple.
(pause)
Whatever the case, I'd like to
think that Tony would've agreed
with me. I mean, I never met the
man, didn't know him personally.
But it felt like I did. Cheers!
The HUGE MF CELEBRITY raises his glass and walks off.