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Scene 1 -  New Mafia Boss Takes the Throne, Young Avenger Seeks Revenge
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

MUSIC: Ave Maria by Franz Schubert

Somber organ music accompanies a brunette teen singer at a
mafia funeral. Mourners weep and shuffle past a wall of
flowers to the casket of an elderly man with a moustache and
facial scar wearing a blue tuxedo.

Nearby, DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (70s, crimson tie, fine silk
scarf) welcomes guests, shakes hands, receives condolences
and congratulations in equal measure. Cheeks are kissed,
vows are sworn. Hugs his consigliere, overtly pats him down.

Attendees find their seats. The soprano finishes with a
flourish, curtsies. Mixed tears and applause. Funeral home
employee checks her watch, whispers to a beefy mobster who
conveys the message to his boss.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
Grazie, Luca.

Don Vincenzo approaches the open casket, leans over to touch
the carnation on the dead man's lapel. A teardrop falls. He
rises to speak as the newly-appointed Capo di tutti capi.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
I'd like to personally thank you
all for coming out this Saint
Valentine's Day as we gather
together to express our profound
sorrow at the loss of a truly great
man. Let me take this opportunity
to welcome you, his closest
friends, family, and business
associates. You honor me with your
presence here today and for that I
am eternally grateful.

Gestures of acknowledgement from the underworld figures.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
Now, I understand that some of you
have flown long distances last
minute at great personal expense.
Just know that you will be
handsomely rewarded for your
undying loyalty and wise
consultation.

Glasses of wine are given to select mafioso.
2.


DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
Right now, Let me propose a toast.
Alla mia unica vera Famiglia:

SUPER: To my one true Family:

Don Vincenzo takes a flute from the server's tray, raises it
and scans the crowd of mourners.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
Let us mark this solemn occasion
not as a setback for our
organization, but as a renewal, a
rebirth if you will. A new
beginning for this thing of ours.

Interested grumbles from La Cosa Nostra.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
So begins a new era of unbridled
prosperity as we pay our respects
to our dear departed leader, the
one-and-only Mister Louis Boyle.

Cheers of enthusiastic approval.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
To 'Blue' Lou Boyle!

The gangsters drink. Don Vincenzo nods to an associate. Two
goombahs move to secure the exit, guns visible. Don Vincenzo
reaches into the coffin and pulls out a weathered Colt 45.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
You know what Blue Lou used to say
right before he clipped someone?

Shocked surprise followed by stunned silence. Don Vincenzo
aims at ELVIS WORLEY, a rakish youth in gold TCB sunglasses.

ELVIS WORLEY
Not so fast, fuckhead.

Holding a dead man's switch, he opens his tweed sportscoat.

ELVIS WORLEY (CONT'D)
You murdered my grandfather.

The tension escalates once the deadly stakes are made clear.
Over a Hawaiian shirt, blocks of plastic explosive are wired
together in a makeshift suicide vest.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
You're lying.
3.


ELVIS WORLEY
Shot him 6 times at close range.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
That's a lie. I haven't killed
anybody since 1984.

ELVIS WORLEY
It's the truth.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
The truth is, I probably did. So
what? The fact remains, I think
you're bluffing.

ELVIS WORLEY
Am I? I did the math: this is
enough C4 to do damage that nobody
in this room will walk away from.
That's also a fact.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
Well, here's another fact for you,
bright-boy: There's no way you'll
ever make it out of here alive.

ELVIS WORLEY
Maybe not, but you'll get the
friends and family discount for
sure. Lots of closed caskets, not
that there'll be much left to bury.

Armed men silently close in.

ELVIS WORLEY (CONT'D)
Here's the thing; I never planned
on walking out of here.
But neither will any of you.

Sensing the threat, Elvis wags the detonator in warning.

ELVIS WORLEY (CONT'D)
See, I ain't particularly scared of
dying. I'm not scared of you,
either, I just don't like you.

Hitmen are waived off by steely-eyed boss. Adversaries stare
daggers through narrowed eyes.

ELVIS WORLEY (CONT'D)
And I'm here to fix this fucked-up
family for good.
4.


DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
Is that a fact?

ELVIS WORLEY
Well, if that's a fact, tell me...
Am I lying?

After an intense moment of silent stalemate. Don Vincenzo
reconsiders and lowers his gun, pausing the stand-off. He
pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
You want a Chesterfield? Mister--

ELVIS WORLEY
Call me Elvis.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
Elvis?
(laughs bitterly)
So, that thieving whore named you
after the King of Rock 'n' Roll?

ELVIS WORLEY
Long live the king, baby.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI
Well, it appears you haven't heard
the news, Mister Worley--

He raises the pistol and cocks the hammer.

DON VINCENZO COCCOTTI (CONT'D)
The King is DEAD.

Don Vincenzo reaches for the trigger. His finger slips. The
gun tumbles and lands with a thud in the corpse's groin.

'BLUE' LOU BOYLE
Ow! My balls!

The 'dead' gangster bolts upright, rolls around the casket
in agony. The entire room bursts into laughter, all except
for acclaimed film director GERHARDT KLUUNDT, who fumes.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT (V.O.)
Cut!

END COLD OPEN


TITLE CARD: BACKGROUNDERS
5.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a mafia funeral during the day, Don Vincenzo Cocotti becomes the new Capo di tutti capi and proposes a toast to his 'one true Family'. The funeral is interrupted by a young man named Elvis Worley, who takes the crowd hostage and accuses Don Vincenzo of murdering his grandfather. The scene is filled with tension, dark humor, and surprise, and ends with the revelation that the 'dead' gangster in the casket is actually alive. The main conflict between Don Vincenzo and Elvis is not fully resolved, but Don Vincenzo attempts to de-escalate the situation by offering Elvis a cigarette. The scene is visualized with a brunette teen singer performing Ave Maria, the casket of the 'deceased' gangster, and Elvis's suicide vest. The scene ends with Gerhardt Kluundt calling 'cut' and a title card for 'backgrounders'.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Blend of genres
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift in tone may be jarring for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends different genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling and memorable sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mafia funeral interrupted by a vengeful grandson with a suicide vest is innovative and gripping.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and high stakes that drive the tension throughout the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mafia genre by blending elements of suspense and dark humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct and engaging, with Don Vincenzo and Elvis Worley standing out as strong personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis Worley undergoes a significant change from seeking revenge to confronting the truth, adding depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and power in the face of a threat, reflecting his fear of losing his position and authority.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to diffuse the situation and avoid a violent confrontation, reflecting the immediate challenge of a potential explosive threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Don Vincenzo and Elvis Worley escalates to a high level, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with a clear threat and a sense of unpredictability that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a potential explosion and the power struggle within the mafia add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of the explosive threat and the twist with 'Blue' Lou Boyle's fake death.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to the mafia family and personal vendettas, challenging the protagonist's beliefs in honor and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from sadness to tension to humor, creating a memorable impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the conflicting motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dramatic confrontation, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a suspenseful confrontation, building tension and escalating conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a somber funeral atmosphere, but quickly shifts to a tense hostage situation. This tonal shift could be jarring for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Don Vincenzo and Elvis is well-written, but it could be more concise. Some of the lines could be cut without losing any of the meaning.
  • The scene ends with a humorous twist, but it feels a bit out of place given the serious nature of the situation. This could be confusing for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from some more visual elements. For example, you could describe the funeral home in more detail, or you could use the camera to show the tension between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a more subdued tone, and then gradually building up to the hostage situation.
  • Trim down the dialogue between Don Vincenzo and Elvis. Only include the lines that are essential to the plot.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more consistent with the tone of the rest of the scene.
  • Add some more visual elements to the scene. This could help to make the scene more immersive and engaging for the audience.



Scene 2 -  Accident on Set: A Mishap with a Rubber Prop
INT. FUNERAL HOME SET - CONTINUOUS

Many voices shout 'CUT!', repeating the director's command.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT (CONT'D)
Scheisse!

With a pained expression, the actor playing Blue Lou pleads
his case to a dismayed Don Vincenzo.

'BLUE' LOU BOYLE
What the hell, man?

He reaches to retrieve the rubber prop and hands it back to
pale, sweaty Don Vincenzo, aka British Shakespearean
thespian ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH (60's, lean, dignified)

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
(British accent)
I'm terribly sorry, old chap.
Purely an accident, I assure you.
The bloody thing just slipped.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense and dismayed funeral home filming set, director Gerhardt Kluundt calls 'cut' after an accident involving a rubber prop. The actor 'Blue' Lou Boyle apologizes, and British Shakespearean thespian Alistair Rumplestinch, who is playing Don Vincenzo, explains it as an accident. The scene concludes with filming set to continue.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of drama and comedy
  • Authentic character reactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Accidental prop mishap may seem too convenient

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a serious confrontation turning into a comedic mishap is executed well.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the confrontation takes an unexpected turn, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements to the familiar setting of a film set, with unique characters and unexpected mishaps. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters react authentically to the situation, showcasing their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience a shift in emotions due to the mishap, showcasing their adaptability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain professionalism and composure despite the mishap on set. This reflects his desire to be respected as an actor and to handle unexpected situations with grace.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully complete the scene without any further mishaps. This reflects the immediate challenge of filming a scene in a high-pressure environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the confrontation and the mishap, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the unexpected mishaps and challenges the protagonist faces on set.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised as the confrontation takes an unexpected turn, leading to a comedic outcome.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected mishaps and quirky interactions that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between professionalism and chaos. The protagonist must navigate the unexpected challenges of filmmaking while maintaining his dignity and composure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact comes from the characters' reactions to the unexpected turn of events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reflects the characters' emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, quirky characters, and unexpected mishaps that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a good balance of action and dialogue that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character names.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a film set scene, with clear action and dialogue sequences that move the story forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It sounds like people talking in a movie, not real people.
  • The scene is too long and doesn't really advance the plot. It could be cut down by about a third without losing anything important.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
  • The setting is not very interesting. It's just a funeral home set. There's nothing to make it stand out from any other funeral home set.
  • The action is not very exciting. It's just a bunch of people talking.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Cut down the scene by about a third, focusing on the most important moments.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them clear goals and motivations.
  • Choose a more interesting setting.
  • Add some more exciting action.



Scene 3 -  Behind the Scenes: Chaos on the Studio Sound Stage
INT. STUDIO SOUND STAGE - CONTINUOUS

The irritated director sits at a monitor. He removes his
trendy glasses and runs a hand over his blonde buzzcut.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Lieber Gott was kommt als nächstes?

SUPER: Dear God what next?

Random mourners chat idly until production assistant KELLEY
DELORENZO (20's, chubby, curly hair) scowls and hisses.

KELLEY DELORENZO
I want silence, background!

Visiting prop master gives the okay to continue filming.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Okay, let's reset, ya?

Relaying commands over a headset mic, assistant director
JEFFREY LACHMAN (30's, lanky, USC cap) puts down his coffee
cup and waves his arms.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Alright, reset! Everybody back to
one. Pictures up, let's go again.
Quiet everyone!
6.


KELLEY DELORENZO
Quiet, background!

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
So, let's pick it up from 'You
killed my grandfather', ya?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Just a sec, boss.
Larry's got a question.

Gaffer LAWRENCE MALONE (70's, balding) approaches, followed
by hulking grips DARRYL and DARRELL (30's, tattoos, beards).

LAWRENCE MALONE
Yo Jeff, is Alistair okay? He looks
a little green around the gills.

The intimidating duo nods.

LAWRENCE MALONE
Tell 'em what you heard, Mick.

Balancing a boom mike, MICHAEL WURTZ (40's, tan) responds.

MICHAEL WURTZ
Yeah man, I've been picking up sort
of a rumbling in his, uh, lower
register, if you get my drift.

2 makeup artists touch-up the grimacing Don Vincenzo, who
rubs his midsection in obvious discomfort.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
Oh dear.
(gurgling noises)
I'm dreadfully sorry ladies, you'll
have to excuse me.
(burp)
I'm afraid I don't feel very well.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene takes place on a studio sound stage where a film is being shot. The director, Gerhardt Kluundt, is frustrated with background noise and tries to reset the scene. The prop master gives the okay, and the assistant director, Jeffrey Lachman, relays commands to reset. Tension arises when gaffer Lawrence Malone approaches with a concern about an actor, Alistair Rumplestinch, who is feeling unwell. The scene ends with uncertainty about Rumplestinch's health.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of drama and comedy
  • Realistic character reactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, keeping the audience engaged with the unexpected turn of events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mishap during a serious filming session adds depth to the story and showcases the complexities of the characters involved.

Plot: 6

The plot advances with the introduction of the mishap, adding a new layer of conflict and tension to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting the behind-the-scenes chaos of a film production. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the mishap, showcasing their personalities and adding depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 5

The characters experience minor changes in their demeanor due to the mishap, showcasing their adaptability and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and professionalism in the face of challenges and disruptions on set. This reflects his desire for success and respect in his role as a director.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully reset the scene and continue filming despite the interruptions and concerns raised by the crew members. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing a film production.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict rises with the introduction of the mishap, creating tension and uncertainty among the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with various challenges and disruptions faced by the protagonist that add complexity and conflict to the story.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with the reputation of the characters and the success of the filming at risk due to the mishap.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected health concerns raised by the crew members and the chaotic nature of a film set, where anything can happen.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between artistic vision and practical concerns. The director's desire to create a successful film is challenged by the logistical issues and health concerns of the crew members.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is moderate, with a mix of frustration, concern, and embarrassment portrayed by the characters.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the confusion and frustration of the characters in response to the mishap.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and relatable character interactions. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the fast-paced nature of a film set scenario. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a behind-the-scenes film set scenario, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and action descriptions.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more depth to the characters.
  • For example, the director, Gerhardt Kluundt, is described as being irritated and frustrated, but we don't really get a sense of why he's feeling that way.
  • We also don't get a sense of what his goals are or what he's trying to achieve.
  • The same is true of the other characters in the scene.
  • We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
  • This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and to care about what happens to them.
  • Another issue with the scene is that it's too long.
  • There's a lot of dialogue, and it can be difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • Consider cutting some of the dialogue or finding a way to make it more concise.
  • Overall, the scene is a good start, but it could be improved by adding more depth to the characters and by making it more concise.
Suggestions
  • Add more depth to the characters.
  • Give them more backstory and motivation.
  • Make it clear what their goals are and what they're trying to achieve.
  • Cut some of the dialogue or find a way to make it more concise.
  • Consider breaking the scene up into smaller scenes.



Scene 4 -  Movie Magic Mix-Up on the Parking Deck
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - SUNRISE

SUPER: earlier that day

A station wagon passes a yellow EXTRAS PARKING sign and
climbs the ramp to a rooftop parking deck. The lot is empty,
save for some traffic cones and an unmarked white cargo van.

The side door opens and an Asian woman (70's, plump) gets
out wearing sunglasses & a poker visor. She trudges towards
the elevator pulling a wheeled overnight bag, Sudoku books
under one arm, folding camp chair over her shoulder.
7.


The panel slides closed and the van pulls away, zooming past
the parked station wagon and down the ramp.

THOMAS COVINGTON (40, thinning hair, dad bod) emerges, takes
a sip from his travel mug, dribbles, wipes using the sleeve
of his black business suit. He locks the car and stashes the
keys in a backpack. Confused, Tom checks his cellphone and
looks around the empty parking deck.

The Asian lady gets on the elevator and pushes a button. She
beckons, encouraging Tom to hurry. He walks briskly then
breaks into a jog, arriving just as the doors close. The
grinning woman giggles and waves merrily as she descends.

THOMAS COVINGTON
(deflated)
Well. Alrighty then.

An electric car quietly parks. BENJAMIN PATEL (30, slim,
soulful eyes) emerges holding an open laptop. He grabs a
suit carrier while speaking on a Bluetooth headset,
translating LINUX code from Hindi to English.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Well, have you tried turning it off
and on? Try that first. See? Now
Rajesh can access your data files
from there. Look, I've got to run,
Hollywood is calling.

Ben ends the call and joins Tom at the elevator.

THOMAS COVINGTON
I always forget to try that.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Don't worry, so does everyone else,
so I put it on my business card.

Ben holds up a card that reads: TRY TURNING IT OFF AND ON.

BENJAMIN PATEL (CONT'D)
It doesn't bother me, I consider it
job security.

THOMAS COVINGTON
How's it going? I'm Tom.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Ben. Nice to meet you.
So, what are you?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Excuse me?
8.


BENJAMIN PATEL
What's your role today?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Oh! I'm a Funeral Goer.
But it looks like I got here a
little early. The notice said call
time was 6:30.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Did you check your email?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Of course.

BENJAMIN PATEL
What about your spam folder?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Oops. No, why?

BENJAMIN PATEL
Casting changed the call time for
mourners to 7:15.

THOMAS COVINGTON
When did this happen?

BENJAMIN PATEL
About 2 o'clock last night.

THOMAS COVINGTON
What? I was already asleep.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Welcome to the glamorous world of
background work. Rule number 1:
Always double-check your call time
as soon as you wake up.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Lesson learned.

Down below, the Asian woman scurries across the sidewalk and
gets on an idling shuttle bus.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Is this your first time on set?

THOMAS COVINGTON
I saw an ad online and thought I
might experience a little movie
magic firsthand, y'know?
9.


BENJAMIN PATEL
Movie magic? That's beautiful. I
love your attitude, your--
what's the word? Optimism.
Yes. Hold on to that.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Thanks, I think I will. To be
honest, this is just a side hustle
so I can earn a few bucks for
school supplies.

BENJAMIN PATEL
You're a student?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Teacher. Middle-school.

BENJAMIN PATEL
What on Earth are you doing here?

THOMAS COVINGTON
I decided to start writing
screenplays again. Senior year of
college, I wrote an entire 120 page
sequel to The Outsiders.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Oh, you're a writer. I get it now.

THOMAS COVINGTON
I've always wanted to see what
making movies was really like.
Besides, we just moved here and my
wife and I are a huge Alistair
Rumplestinch fans.

BENJAMIN PATEL
He's brilliant. I just love him.
Always have, always will.

THOMAS COVINGTON
People tell me all the time that we
sort of look alike.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Well, he'll be here. We're shooting
the climactic funeral scene today.

The elevator returns and the men get on. Tom pushes the
button as more cars filter in and park.
10.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In this light-hearted scene, an middle-aged extra named Thomas Covington discovers that he arrived at the wrong time for a funeral scene filming. After a brief interaction with an elderly Asian woman extra, Thomas meets Benjamin Patel, who works in IT and does background work. Benjamin informs Thomas that the call time has been changed to 7:15 AM. The scene takes place on an empty rooftop parking deck in the early morning, and the visual elements include the vast parking space and Thomas wiping coffee off his suit. The conflict of Thomas's arrival at the wrong time is resolved by Benjamin's information, and the scene ends with them getting on the elevator and more cars parking.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging characters
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, humorous, and provides insight into the world of background actors on a film set. The dialogue is witty and the characters are relatable.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the experiences of background actors on a film set is interesting and provides a unique perspective on the filmmaking process.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the interactions between two background actors as they discuss their reasons for being on set and their experiences. It sets the stage for the upcoming funeral scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and relatable situations, such as the unexpected change in call time and the characters' candid conversations about their motivations and aspirations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each with their own motivations and backgrounds. Their interactions are engaging and humorous.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, as the focus is more on introducing the characters and setting up the upcoming scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas Covington's internal goal is to experience movie magic firsthand and pursue his passion for writing screenplays. This reflects his desire for creativity and a new beginning in his life.

External Goal: 7

Thomas Covington's external goal is to participate as a Funeral Goer in a movie shoot, but he arrives early due to a change in call time. His immediate challenge is to adapt to the new schedule and navigate the world of background work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, mostly revolving around the characters' misunderstandings about the call time.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' goals and motivations. The obstacles the characters face add depth to the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in the scene, mostly revolving around the characters' experiences as background actors.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters and setting the stage for the upcoming funeral scene.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected change in call time and the characters' candid conversations about their motivations and experiences. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the characters' reactions to the challenges they face.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between the glamorous perception of the film industry and the reality of background work. It challenges Thomas's optimistic attitude and highlights the practical aspects of pursuing a creative passion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits a light-hearted and positive emotional response from the audience, mostly through humor and relatable interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and realistic portrayal of everyday challenges. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the plot keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters navigate the challenges they face. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions contributes to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and challenges.


Critique
  • The scene starts with the Asian woman leaving the parking garage and ends with the Asian woman scurrying across the sidewalk and getting on an idling shuttle bus. The Asian woman's actions do not directly relate to the conversation between Thomas Covington and Benjamin Patel, making her presence in the scene feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Thomas Covington and Benjamin Patel is stilted and unnatural. The characters seem to be talking at each other rather than engaging in a genuine conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. The characters are simply talking about their day and exchanging information, which makes the scene feel aimless.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the overall story.
  • The scene is too long. The dialogue could be trimmed down to make the scene more concise and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Remove the Asian woman from the scene or give her a more active role that relates to the conversation between Thomas Covington and Benjamin Patel.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add a conflict or goal to the scene, such as Thomas Covington trying to learn more about the film industry from Benjamin Patel.
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or actions to make the scene more concise and engaging.
  • Consider combining this scene with another scene to create a more cohesive and engaging sequence.



Scene 5 -  Rainy Elevator Ride and Different Opinions
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

THOMAS COVINGTON
Is it supposed to rain all day?
I missed the news. That reminds me,
I'd better let Sarah know I'm here.

Tom makes small talk as he taps out a text message.

THOMAS COVINGTON (CONT'D)
So, what do you think about this
hotshot director?

BENJAMIN PATEL
Jerry? I mean, Gerhardt Kluundt?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Film critics call him the German
Tarantino. I hear he's some kind of
visionary genius.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Really? A visionary genius? Did he
tell you that himself?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Well no, but I'm just saying--

Tom pauses, shrugs and looks to the sky. A few raindrops
patter against the elevator window.

THOMAS COVINGTON (CONT'D)
There's a real chance we could make
cinematic history today.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Cinematic history?

As Tom resumes texting, Ben gives him a world-weary grin.

BENJAMIN PATEL (CONT'D)
Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Huh?

BENJAMIN PATEL
Never mind.

With a faraway look, Ben watches a raindrop trace its path
down the glass and turns up the K-pop on his headphones.
11.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Thomas Covington and Benjamin Patel are in an elevator, discussing the rain and their opinions on the director Gerhardt Kluundt. Thomas is excited about the possibility of making cinematic history, while Benjamin is more skeptical and nonchalant. They also interact with each other by making small talk and discussing their opinions on the director. The setting is an interior of an elevator and it is raining outside. There is a minor conflict as Thomas and Benjamin have different opinions on the director. The tone of the scene is light-hearted and humorous, with a touch of sarcasm. The scene ends with Benjamin listening to K-pop with headphones and watching a raindrop trace its path down the glass.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Rainy setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor and introspection, setting a unique tone that engages the audience. The dialogue is witty and the rainy setting adds depth to the conversation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two characters discussing filmmaking and their views on a director while stuck in an elevator during a rainy day is intriguing and sets the stage for character development.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly, the scene provides insight into the characters' personalities and sets up potential conflicts or resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the film industry and artistic ambition, with unique character dynamics and cultural references.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Both characters are well-defined and their contrasting personalities create an engaging dynamic. Their dialogue reveals depth and humor, making them relatable and interesting.

Character Changes: 4

There is subtle character development as the characters reveal more about their personalities and perspectives, but there are no significant changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas Covington's internal goal in this scene is to impress Benjamin Patel with his knowledge and enthusiasm for the film industry, showcasing his passion and ambition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to have a successful meeting or interaction with Benjamin Patel, potentially related to their work in the film industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is no overt conflict in the scene, there is an underlying tension between the characters' differing views on filmmaking and success.

Opposition: 7

The opposition between Thomas and Benjamin is strong enough to create conflict and intrigue, but not overwhelming.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and dialogue than on high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides insight into the characters and sets up potential conflicts or resolutions, but it doesn't significantly advance the main plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions, but the philosophical conflict adds an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Thomas Covington's idealistic view of the film industry and Benjamin Patel's more cynical or realistic perspective. This challenges Thomas's beliefs in the artistic potential of cinema.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene evokes a mild emotional response through the characters' banter and the rainy setting, but it doesn't elicit strong emotions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the underlying tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to read and follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical conversational structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The dialogue lacks depth and doesn't advance the plot or character development.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The characters are not well-defined and their motivations are unclear.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, which makes it difficult for the audience to engage with.
  • The scene is too exposition-heavy and could benefit from more action or dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict or tension to the scene.
  • Cut out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Develop the characters more and give them clear motivations.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or purpose.
  • Use more vivid language and imagery.



Scene 6 -  Frustrations Amid Rain
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

ANASTASIA GLASS (30, blue-eyed blonde) rushes to beat the
rain, covering her hair with a magazine. The doors close
just as Stacy reaches the elevator. Furious, she angrily
mashes the button and stamps her stiletto in frustration.

ACT TWO

EXT. STUDIO SOUND STAGE - MORNING

Rain washes across the warehouses of an industrial park.

I.D. badge swinging, Jeff steps over a puddle, darting
between production trailers and generators while holding a
coffee cup. A garbled order comes through his headset, so he
seeks refuge under a dry overhang.

He reaches into his jean jacket for a smoke, which sticks to
his bottom lip as he tries in vain to light it. The lighter
finally catches and Jeff takes a drag. Exhaling, he looks
over at the line of miserable extras waiting for a turn at
the portable bathrooms.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
That ain't good.

A drop falls from the awning directly onto his cigarette and
snuffs it. Demoralized, Jeff takes a deep breath and a sip
of coffee. He tosses the butt in the trash and rushes off.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a parking garage, Anastasia Glass becomes furious when she can't enter the elevator before the doors close. Meanwhile, at a studio sound stage, Jeff Lachman deals with his own annoyances as he tries to smoke and have his coffee, only to be thwarted by the rain. His cigarette is extinguished by a drop of rain from an awning, leaving him feeling defeated. Both characters face setbacks in their respective goals, creating a tone of frustration and annoyance in this scene.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Interesting characters
  • Unique setting
Weaknesses
  • Low emotional impact
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets the tone for the behind-the-scenes chaos of filmmaking while introducing some interesting characters and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showing the less glamorous side of filmmaking is engaging and provides a fresh perspective on the industry.

Plot: 6

The plot is simple but serves its purpose of introducing the setting and some key characters.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting everyday challenges in a high-pressure environment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and have the potential for development as the story progresses.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in this scene, mostly focused on introducing the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Anastasia Glass's internal goal in this scene is to control her frustration and anger, as seen in her reaction to missing the elevator. This reflects her deeper need for control and composure in stressful situations.

External Goal: 7

Jeff's external goal in this scene is to navigate the challenges of the production set and complete his tasks efficiently despite setbacks like the rain and malfunctioning lighter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is a low level of conflict in this scene, mostly revolving around the frustrations of the crew.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with characters facing difficult obstacles and setbacks that challenge their abilities and resilience.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the day-to-day challenges of filmmaking.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the location and introducing key characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected obstacles and setbacks for the characters, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the characters will overcome their challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' ability to maintain composure and adapt to unexpected obstacles. It challenges their beliefs about control and resilience in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The emotional impact is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the practical aspects of filmmaking.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is realistic and helps establish the personalities of the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it effectively conveys the characters' emotions and challenges, drawing the reader into their experiences and creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension, moving the story forward while allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively setting up the characters' goals and obstacles while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't have much of a story or character development.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The dialogue is wooden and unnatural.
  • The setting is not described in detail and the action is difficult to visualize.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear beginning, middle, or end.
Suggestions
  • Add more detail to the setting and the characters.
  • Give the characters clear motivations and goals.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural.
  • Add more action to the scene and make it more exciting.
  • Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end.



Scene 7 -  Chaos on Set: The Search for a Solution
INT. STUDIO SOUND STAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The production's key players stand comparing notes in a
loose circle. Jeff drains his java as he joins the impromptu
strategy session already underway.

Jerry confers with the cinematographer, flipping through a
dog-eared copy of the shooting script. Larry removes his
Yankees cap and scratches his balding head as he wipes away
tears of laughter.

LAWRENCE MALONE
I'm just sayin', I've been doin'
this shit a long time but I ain't
never seen somebody throw up like
that, and I worked on Stand By Me.

Headphones around his neck, Mickey meticulously cleans his
gear, wiping the graphite shaft of a digital boom mic.

MICHAEL WURTZ
Told you he was gonna spew.
Oh, and Kelley just got dumped.
12.


The emotionally devastated production assistant lowers her
cellphone with a stifled sob.

MICHAEL WURTZ (CONT'D)
Again.

Kelley bursts into tears and runs off with an anguished cry.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
That explains a lot, actually.

The Darrells nod in stern agreement.

JEFFREY LACHMAN (CONT'D)
But you gotta chill with the
eavesdropping, Mike.

Jerry pitches the script to the floor and throws up his
hands in a fit of artistic rage.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Nein, nein, nein! Vat don't you
understand? I haf no leading man.
I cannot verk like dis!

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Wait, we've already got his
dialogue and a ton of B-roll. What
if we change the camera angle and
shoot the rest of the scene from
behind? We could use the stand-in
and hide his face.

The director considers and frames the scene with his hands.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Dat's not bad. It could verk.

A minion sheepishly approaches and whispers to Jerry.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT (CONT'D)
Vat? You sent him home? You eediot!

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Who? Ali? He's got food poisoning.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
No, no. His stand-in.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
They did?

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Ya. Dey. Dit.
13.


Jeff turns to share a quiet word with Larry and Mike.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
What do you think happened?

LAWRENCE MALONE
I heard the guy got busted selling
set photos to TMZ.

MICHAEL WURTZ
Plus, he was cheating on his
boyfriend, so--

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Come on dude, what did I just say
about that?

For the German director, bottomless despair has set in.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Ve are completely screwed.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Maybe not. Let me run to Holding.
Give me 20 minutes.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary The group gathers on a movie studio sound stage, discussing the previous scene where an actor vomited. They learn that the production assistant, Kelley, has been dumped and the stand-in for the sick actor has been sent home. The main conflict is the absence of the lead actor and his stand-in, causing a debate on how to proceed. Gerhardt Kluundt expresses despair, while Kelley cries and leaves. Jeff takes charge, offering to find a solution. The scene ends with Jeff leaving to find the missing stand-in in Holding.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Realistic portrayal of film production challenges
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant emotional impact
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, frustration, and desperation to create an engaging and entertaining portrayal of a film set in disarray.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the chaos and challenges of a film production is well-executed, providing insight into the behind-the-scenes world of filmmaking.

Plot: 7

While the plot mainly revolves around the challenges faced during filming, it effectively sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected situations, such as the missing leading man and the personal drama of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique perspective to the scene, adding depth and humor to the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character development or change in the scene, as the focus is more on the chaotic events unfolding on set.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and problem-solve in the face of unexpected challenges. This reflects their need for order and success in their work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a solution to the missing leading man problem and salvage the scene. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the production.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no major conflict in the scene, the tension and challenges faced by the characters create a sense of conflict and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles and challenges that the protagonist must overcome to achieve their goals.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, as the main focus is on the challenges of filming rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and twists that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between artistic integrity and practicality evident in the scene. Gerhardt's frustration with the lack of a leading man challenges the protagonist's belief in finding creative solutions within constraints.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to disappointment, but does not have a significant emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and realistic, capturing the banter and interactions between the crew members in a natural way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, unexpected plot twists, and relatable character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a behind-the-scenes film production setting, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene begins with multiple conversations happening at the same time, which can be confusing for the reader to follow. It would be more effective to focus on one or two conversations at a time.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional and does not provide much insight into the characters' personalities or motivations. For example, Kelley's emotional outburst is not given much context, and it is not clear why she is so upset.
  • The scene lacks a clear central conflict or goal. While the characters are discussing the problems with the shoot, they do not seem to be actively working towards a solution.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Jeff leaving to find a solution, but it is not clear what he is going to do or how he will find a solution within 20 minutes.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in any significant way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear focus on one or two conversations, and then gradually introduce other characters and conversations as needed.
  • Add more character-revealing dialogue to the scene. For example, have the characters talk about their personal lives, their goals, or their fears.
  • Give the scene a clear central conflict or goal. This could be something as simple as trying to figure out how to solve the problem with the shoot, or it could be something more complex, such as trying to resolve a conflict between two characters.
  • End the scene with a sense of closure. This could mean having the characters reach a decision or take some action that moves the plot forward.
  • Consider cutting the scene if it does not advance the plot or character development in any significant way.



Scene 8 -  Anxiety and Confusion at the Swampy Warehouse Studio
EXT. WAREHOUSE STUDIO - DAYBREAK

SUPER: earlier that day

Rainwater gushes out of a gutter and into a field behind the
main building, creating a swampy quagmire. On the grassy
slope is a large event tent holding rows of folding tables
and chairs. The yellow sign reads EXTRAS HOLDING.

A shuttle bus pulls to a stop. Among the first to leave, Tom
steps into the drizzle and looks anxiously to Ben, who
stands opening a pocket-sized umbrella.

BENJAMIN PATEL
There's no place like home.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You're kidding, right?

BENJAMIN PATEL
I wish I was.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary As day breaks, Tom and Ben arrive at a warehouse studio, where rainwater has created a swampy area. While Ben seems relaxed and mentions they are 'home', Tom looks anxious and confused, leading to a small conflict between them. The scene ends with Tom's anxiety unresolved, creating a tense and uncertain atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Diverse characters
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets up the environment of a film studio on a rainy day, introducing various characters and their dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the chaos and challenges of a film production on a rainy day is engaging and provides a unique perspective.

Plot: 6

The plot revolves around the characters arriving at the studio and dealing with the challenges of the rainy weather, setting the stage for potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a film production but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' interactions and the underlying tension. The authenticity of the dialogue and character dynamics enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are diverse and each brings a different perspective to the scene, adding depth and interest.

Character Changes: 4

There are minor character changes as the characters react to the challenges presented by the rainy weather, but no significant transformations occur.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging or comfort in a situation that feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. His anxiety and skepticism towards Ben's statement suggest a deeper need for security or familiarity.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to navigate the challenges of the film production and fulfill his role as an extra. The immediate circumstances of the rain and dreary setting add to the obstacles he must overcome.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal in this scene, mostly revolving around the characters' frustrations with the rain and the changes in the filming schedule.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension between the characters, but not overwhelming. The uncertainty of how the characters will resolve their differences adds to the intrigue.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the characters' personal reactions to the rainy weather than on major plot developments.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and setting up potential conflicts and interactions among the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting emotions and motivations of the characters. The audience is unsure of how the interaction will unfold, adding to the intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of home and belonging. Ben's statement about 'no place like home' challenges Tom's perception of where he belongs and what constitutes a sense of home.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is moderate, with hints of frustration and excitement from the characters as they navigate the rainy day.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is realistic and reflects the different personalities of the characters, setting the tone for the interactions to come.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the subtle humor, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience intrigued. The conflict and uncertainty add to the suspense.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and conflict between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup of the setting and conflict between the characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is confusing because it begins with a new SUPER: earlier that day, but it is unclear how much earlier this scene is taking place in relation to the previous scene.
  • The dialogue is awkward and unnatural. For example, Benjamin's line "There's no place like home." is strange and out of place.
  • The scene is too short and does not provide enough context or character development.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or introduce any new information.
Suggestions
  • Add more context to the beginning of the scene to make it clear how much earlier this scene is taking place in relation to the previous scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Expand the scene to provide more context and character development.
  • Consider adding a conflict or obstacle to the scene to advance the plot or introduce new information.



Scene 9 -  New Extra Meets Veterans on a Muddy Movie Set
INT. EXTRAS HOLDING - MOMENTS LATER

Tom sits at a table filling out a form. He notices that he
is sinking as his weight pushes the legs of the chair into
the turf. He signs the voucher slip and rises to turn it in.
14.


A drip from the tent plops onto his signature and rolls down
the paper like a tear.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Oh, for the love of God--

From the next table, a female voice answers in a sweet
Southern drawl.

HELEN MITCHELL
You poor thing.

HELEN MITCHELL (80+, frail, bifocals) sits comfortably in a
Crimson Tide stadium chair. White hair in a bun, she wears
the black dress and rosary of an Italian widow.

HELEN MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Go back and ask Jeff for another
one, dear.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Really? I'd hate to bother him.

Munching a chicken biscuit next to Helen is WAYNE SCANLON
(70's, ponytail, moustache) in a bright blue tuxedo.

WAYNE SCANLON
He's pretty cool about stuff like
that, but steer clear of Kelley if
you know what's good for you.
She's on the warpath this morning.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Who's Kelley?

WAYNE SCANLON
Curly-headed girl next to Jeff.
The one in the flannel.

HELEN MITCHELL
The P.A. in charge of Background.

WAYNE SCANLON
She threw an energy drink at one of
the Darrells last week.

HELEN MITCHELL
Bless her heart.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You know, I may be new to the South
but I know what that really means.
15.


HELEN MITCHELL
Never mind that, you better go and
get you some food before they run
out of chicken biscuits.

WAYNE SCANLON
Yeah, them breakfast burritos are a
little off this morning.

A dozen extras wait in line, shuffling forward to grab a
foil-wrapped lump and a carton of generic orange drink.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You know, I think I will. Thanks.

Tom sets off across the squishy ground, hopping over a
puddle and squeezing between the rows of tables.

HELEN MITCHELL
Bless his heart.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Tom, a new extra, meets Helen and Wayne in the extras holding tent on a movie set. They warn him about Kelley, the assistant director known for her temper. The ground is wet and muddy due to the rain, and Tom struggles with a sinking chair. Helen encourages Tom to get another form and reminds him to eat before the chicken biscuits run out. The scene ends with Tom leaving to get food, after thanking Helen and Wayne for their advice.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Quirky characters
  • Entertaining interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor with character interactions, providing an engaging and entertaining moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the behind-the-scenes chaos and interactions of extras on a film set is unique and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't directly advance the main plot, it adds layers to the world of filmmaking and provides insight into the characters' personalities.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and quirky characters in a familiar setting, adding authenticity through regional dialects and cultural references. The dialogue feels natural and unforced, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own quirks and personalities that shine through in their interactions.

Character Changes: 4

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions hint at potential growth and development for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar environment of the extras holding area and establish connections with the other characters. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and belonging in this new setting.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal in this scene is to get food before it runs out and to avoid any conflict with the production team members. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing as a new extra on set.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on character dynamics and humor rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of potential conflict and obstacles for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is left wondering how Tom will navigate the dynamics of the extras holding area.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and character interactions rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides insight into the world of filmmaking and the characters' personalities, contributing to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and revelations between the characters, such as the mention of Kelley's behavior and the quirky comments from Helen and Wayne. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Tom's outsider perspective and the established norms and dynamics of the extras holding area. This challenges his beliefs about social interactions and hierarchies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to sympathy, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the dynamics between the characters, enhancing the scene's entertainment value.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the humor and wit in the dialogue, and the relatable setting of a film production environment. The audience is drawn into the world and invested in Tom's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with action, creating a sense of rhythm and progression. The scene flows smoothly and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are concise and effective in setting the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven dialogue scene, with clear character introductions, interactions, and a sense of progression towards a goal. The pacing and rhythm are well-balanced, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The dialogue does not always sound natural, especially when the characters are expressing emotions such as frustration or anxiety. For example, when Tom says "Oh, for the love of God--" it sounds a bit forced and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. What does Tom want? What is he trying to achieve? The scene just sort of meanders along without a clear purpose.
  • The scene is too long. It could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Try to make the dialogue sound more natural by using contractions, shorter sentences, and more colloquial language.
  • Give Tom a clear goal or conflict to work towards. This will help to drive the scene and make it more engaging.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful. Focus on the essential elements of the story and cut out anything that is unnecessary.



Scene 10 -  Jeff's Anxious Wardrobe Selection
INT. WARDROBE DEPARTMENT - LATE MORNING

Jeff bites his nails and sips coffee as he meets with a
middle-aged woman in cat's eye glasses. Measuring tape
draped around her neck, she holds a portable tablet which
displays a photo lineup of mourners.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
What do you think?

She zooms in to focus on Tom Covington in his black suit.
After a moment of careful scrutiny, she shrugs and nods.

JEFFREY LACHMAN (CONT'D)
That's all I needed to hear--

Turning on his heel, Jeff dashes away, sprinting between
rows of hangers as he disappears into the maze of clothing.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Nervous man, Jeffrey Lachman, meets with a middle-aged wardrobe department worker to choose mourning attire based on a photo. Despite no explicit conflicts, Jeff's anxious behavior and haste create a tense atmosphere as he rushes through the department after making his selection.
Strengths
  • Fast-paced dialogue
  • Quirky characters
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama and comedy, creating an engaging and entertaining atmosphere. The fast-paced nature of the dialogue and the quirky characters add depth to the overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the chaos and humor behind the scenes of a film production is well-executed. It provides insight into the wardrobe department's role in filmmaking.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Jeff's interaction with the wardrobe department, adding a layer of complexity to the overall narrative. It sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on the investigative process within a wardrobe department, adding a unique twist to the familiar setting of a crime scene. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are quirky and memorable, adding depth to the overall tone. Jeff's frantic energy and the wardrobe department woman's no-nonsense attitude create an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, as the focus is more on the interaction between Jeff and the wardrobe department woman. It sets the stage for potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jeff's internal goal in this scene is to find a clue or confirmation that will help him solve a mystery or piece together a puzzle. This reflects his deeper need for closure, justice, or resolution to a personal or professional conflict.

External Goal: 7

Jeff's external goal in this scene is to gather information or evidence that will lead him closer to solving a case or achieving a specific objective. This reflects the immediate circumstances or challenges he's facing in his role as a detective or investigator.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the chaotic nature of the film production setting. It sets the stage for potential conflicts to arise in future scenes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test Jeff's skills, determination, and resourcefulness. The audience is kept guessing about how he will overcome these challenges and achieve his goals.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the behind-the-scenes chaos of a film production. It sets the stage for potential high-stakes situations to arise in future scenes.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the wardrobe department's role in the film production. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the complex motivations of the characters involved. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of truth and deception. Jeff is seeking the truth behind a mystery, while the characters he interacts with may be hiding or manipulating information. This challenges Jeff's beliefs in justice, honesty, and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including anxiety and amusement. The quirky characters and fast-paced dialogue add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is fast-paced and witty, reflecting the chaotic nature of the film production setting. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the mystery and invested in Jeff's quest for answers.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, maintaining suspense, and keeping the audience engaged. The rapid-fire dialogue and action sequences create a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery or detective genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't seem to add much to the story.
  • The dialogue is minimal and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The action is unclear and it's not clear what Jeff is doing or why he's in such a hurry.
  • The use of the word 'maze' to describe the wardrobe department is a bit over the top and doesn't really add anything to the scene.
  • Overall, the scene feels rushed and underdeveloped and could benefit from some additional context and detail.
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue to the scene to help establish the relationship between Jeff and the woman he's meeting with.
  • Clarify what Jeff is doing and why he's in such a hurry.
  • Provide more context for the scene by describing the setting in more detail and explaining what's happening in the story leading up to this moment.
  • Consider removing the use of the word 'maze' to describe the wardrobe department, as it's not a particularly effective or necessary detail.



Scene 11 -  New Stand-In Tom Covington Prepares for His Role as the Replacement Godfather
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP TRAILER - LATER

Tom Covington sits wide-eyed in front of a make-up mirror in
Don Vincenzo's suit. A grey wig is unceremoniously plopped
onto his head. The goth hairdresser tugs and pulls it over
his skull, then fastens it with a pierced mouthful of pins.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Welcome to the party, pal.

Tom grins and looks around at five people being touched-up
in the other chairs. Next to Ben is MATTHEW O'LEARY (20's,
boyish, biracial). Across from Matt is REBECCA LYNN DEERING
(20, doe-eyed brunette).
16.


In the center flexing his triceps sits CHADRICK RASMUSSEN
(25, Danish, hunky) in his new black pompadour and pencil-
thin moustache.

THOMAS COVINGTON
So, are all of you stand-ins?

In the corner, blonde beauty ANASTASIA GLASS scowls as she
sips her green tea.

ANASTASIA GLASS
Not all of us.

Matt rolls his eyes and waves her off as he and Ben admire
Chad's impressive display.

MATTHEW O'LEARY
Yes Barbie, we know.

BENJAMIN PATEL
I'm the organist today, so I'm what
they call 'featured' background.

Stacy snickers sarcastically as Jeff opens the trailer door,
coffee in hand. He shakes the raindrops from his ball cap
and steps inside.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
If you guys are done, I need you on
set with Second Unit.

The group stirs and gathers its things. Tom rises to join
them, but Jeff puts a hand on his shoulder.

JEFFREY LACHMAN (CONT'D)
Not you, Don Vincenzo.

Ben and Matt dish the dirt as they head for the exit.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Food poisoning? Wait, I thought he
was a strict vegetarian?

MATTHEW O'LEARY
That's just PR bullshit. My agent
does Goat Yoga with his publicist.

Finishing touches are put on Tom's new 'do. Jeff crouches to
encourage his replacement Godfather.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
I know this all might seem a little
overwhelming. How you holding up?
17.


THOMAS COVINGTON
A little nervous, I guess.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Completely understandable.
Don't worry, you'll be great.

Reassured, Tom studies his reflection.

JEFFREY LACHMAN (CONT'D)
I owe you big. You're doing the
studio a huge favor.

THOMAS COVINGTON
A favor? That wasn't a favor. You
made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Tom Covington, a new stand-in, gets his hair and makeup done and meets other stand-ins including Benjamin Patel, Matthew O'Leary, Rebecca Lynn Deering, Chadrick Rasmussen, and Anastasia Glass. They exchange light-hearted banter while preparing for their roles, with Tom being the focus of their attention due to his important stand-in role as the replacement Godfather. Second unit director Jeff Lachman gives them instructions to go to set, but Tom is left behind to continue preparing. The scene is friendly, cooperative, and anticipatory, with no significant conflicts.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, nervousness, and encouragement, creating an engaging and entertaining atmosphere. The witty dialogue and interactions between characters keep the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of extras preparing for their roles in a film production is interesting and provides insight into the behind-the-scenes of filmmaking. The scene effectively conveys the nervousness and excitement of the characters.

Plot: 6

The plot focuses on the preparation of extras for their roles, adding depth to the overall story. While not central to the main plot, it provides a glimpse into the world of filmmaking.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh character dynamics and witty dialogue, adding authenticity to the interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and each has a distinct personality. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual traits and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, as the focus is more on preparation and interaction rather than character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome his nerves and insecurities about his role, as he steps into the shoes of Don Vincenzo.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully portray Don Vincenzo on set and fulfill his role in the film.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is a low level of conflict in the scene, mainly revolving around the nervousness of the characters and the preparation for their roles.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds a layer of conflict and tension, as the characters navigate their roles and relationships.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in the scene, focusing more on the preparation of extras for their roles rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward by providing insight into the behind-the-scenes of filmmaking and setting up the next steps in the production.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character dynamics and dialogue exchanges.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between authenticity and performance, as the characters navigate the line between their true selves and the characters they are portraying.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including nervousness, excitement, and humor. While not deeply emotional, it engages the audience with its character interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and engaging. It effectively conveys the nervousness and excitement of the characters while providing humor and entertainment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and the sense of anticipation for the upcoming scene on set.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing character interactions and dialogue with moments of reflection and tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy ensemble scene, with clear character cues and transitions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven ensemble piece, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • This scene mostly consists of exposition where the characters get prepared for filming a scene. It could be useful to cut out some lines to make it more concise and clearer, so that the reader can understand the situation quickly and easily.
  • The dialogue between the characters is a bit stiff and unnatural. It would be more interesting to read if the characters had more distinct voices and spoke in a more conversational way.
  • The scene doesn't move the plot forward very much. It's mostly just a setup for the next scene, where Tom will be filming the scene as Don Vincenzo's stand-in.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve, or what obstacles they are facing.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Tom arriving on set and meeting the other stand-ins. This would establish the setting and introduce the characters more quickly.
  • Cut out the line 'Welcome to the party, pal.' It's a bit too casual and doesn't add anything to the scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between the characters to make it more natural and conversational. For example, you could have Tom ask the other stand-ins what it's like to be a stand-in, or have them share their experiences on other film sets.
  • Add a conflict or goal to the scene. For example, you could have Tom realize that he doesn't know his lines, or have the other stand-ins start to doubt his ability to play Don Vincenzo.
  • End the scene with a sense of anticipation or urgency. For example, you could have Jeff come in and tell the stand-ins that they need to be on set immediately.



Scene 12 -  Unpleasant Surprises: The Chicken Biscuit Dilemma
INT. EXTRAS HOLDING - MORNING

SUPER: earlier that day

Tom scrapes mud from his wingtips at the back of the food
line. In front of him, BROCK BRADLEY (50's, brawny, rugged)
carries BRIANNA BRADLEY (19, green eyes, petite) in his
arms. The queue crawls ahead two paces through the mud when
Brianna's dress catches the corner of a folding chair.

BROCK BRADLEY
Watch your dress, sweetheart.

BRIANNA BRADLEY
Yes, Daddy.

Concerned, Tom darts in and frees the girl's black evening
gown. She leans back to him with a mischievous grin.

BRIANNA BRADLEY (CONT'D)
(whispers)
I'm not wearing underwear.

The young woman gives the stunned Tom a cheeky wink.

BROCK BRADLEY
You alright, princess?

BRIANNA BRADLEY
Yes, Daddy.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
(Cuban accent)
Yo, she's not joking, acere.
18.


Startled, Tom turns to see young black actor and pretend
funeral home employee DEONTAE FERNANDEZ (20, angular face,
wild hair) behind him wearing an amused smirk.

THOMAS COVINGTON
I'll take your word for it.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
Esa jeva es un mango. I'd ask her
out, but her pops would kill me.

THOMAS COVINGTON
I would too. I'm a father myself.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
No, I mean he's ex-CIA.
He would literally kill me.

THOMAS COVINGTON
That guy? I believe it. He looks
like Kurt Russell ate Vin Diesel.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
Well, all I know is Daddy's Little
Girl may look innocent, but--

A commotion at the head of the line stops Deontae mid-
sentence. The remaining extras groan and wander away.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
Uh-oh. Coño!

THOMAS COVINGTON
What happened?

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
They just ran out of chicken
biscuits, yo.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Guess I'll grab a burrito then.
Looks like there's still a few of
them left.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
Yeah, good luck with that. I'm out.

Deontae surveys the sea of faces. With a pirouette, he
mambos around puddles over to a nearby table and introduces
himself to its female occupants with a charming grin.

Realizing that everyone has bailed, Tom slogs up to the
craft services table.
19.


An aluminum warming pan sits empty, while a second holds a
dozen foil-wrapped logs. With a sigh, Tom selects one from
the pile.

THOMAS COVINGTON
(mutters)
How bad can it be?

Grabbing one of the few remaining cartons of orange drink,
he tears it open and samples the contents. Swallowing, his
face scrunches up in the sour pucker of instant regret.

THOMAS COVINGTON
--Oh.

ACT THREE
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Tom assists Brianna when her dress gets stuck, only to find out she isn't wearing underwear, causing him discomfort. Deontae adds to his embarrassment by confirming it. The line running out of chicken biscuits forces Tom to take a burrito and orange drink, which he immediately regrets. This scene takes place in the Extras Holding in the morning, where Tom and Deontae share a friendly conversation, while Brianna's intimidating father figure, Brock, is mentioned.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Light-hearted tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot advancement
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-written, with a good balance of humor and character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of extras waiting in line for food on a film set is relatable and provides an opportunity for character interactions and humor.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it adds depth to the world of the film and introduces new characters and dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the ex-CIA father and the chaotic food line, adding freshness and authenticity to the familiar setting of an extras holding area. The dialogue feels natural and engaging, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own distinct personalities and interactions that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in the scene, mostly focused on introducing the characters and their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics of the extras holding area and maintain a sense of professionalism and composure despite the chaotic and unpredictable environment.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to secure food and drink from the craft services table, showcasing his basic needs and survival instincts in the midst of a chaotic situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in the scene, mostly revolving around the shortage of chicken biscuits.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' abilities and decisions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in the scene, mostly revolving around the shortage of chicken biscuits.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main story forward, it adds depth to the world of the film and introduces new characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the character interactions and events, such as the sudden food shortage and the flirtatious banter between characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between appearances and reality, as well as the idea of power dynamics and social hierarchies. This challenges Tom's beliefs about trust, perception, and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits amusement and a sense of light-heartedness, with a touch of regret from Tom's experience with the orange drink.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and unpredictable events that keep the audience invested in the outcome. The humor and tension create a compelling atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains a sense of urgency and momentum. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the chaotic and fast-paced environment of the extras holding area.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the chaotic and fast-paced nature of the extras holding area.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or progression. It doesn't advance the plot, develop the characters, or build suspense.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and expository, with characters stating their intentions and motivations directly.
  • The character of Brianna is underdeveloped and her flirtatious behavior towards Tom feels forced and unnecessary.
  • The scene is overly reliant on coincidence, with Tom conveniently overhearing Deontae's conversation about Brianna's lack of underwear and the chicken biscuits running out.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Rethink the purpose of the scene and ensure that it contributes to the overall story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, allowing the characters' personalities to shine through.
  • Give Brianna a more substantial role and develop her character beyond her flirtatious nature.
  • Avoid relying on coincidences and instead create a more logical and believable flow of events.
  • Provide a stronger conclusion to the scene that leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation or resolution.



Scene 13 -  Preparations and Gossip on the Funeral Home Set
INT. FUNERAL HOME SET - AFTERNOON

The set is a hive of activity. Assistants and coordinators
scurry about in preparation for filming.

BEGIN MONTAGE

1. The Darrells raise banks of shrouded light panels.

2. Larry barks out instructions and uses a laptop to dim the
brightness a few points.

3. Cameramen crowd around a rolling dolly and its recording
equipment as it glides along a section of track.

4. Digital milliseconds blip by on a display panel as the
director of photography blocks out the shot.

END MONTAGE

The back of a grey wig is brought in and out of focus before
the lens zooms in over Tom's shoulder. Amid the rows of
empty seats, Matt sits in Elvis Worley's spot busily
scrolling away on his phone.

On the viewing platform, Tom peeks at the floor before
spotting the 'X' of pink gaffer tape that identifies his
mark. He looks up to see Ben at the organist's bench idly
fingering the keys as he shares rumors with Matthew.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Was that a joke?

MATTHEW O'LEARY
I was there and I can confirm that
it was not.
20.


THOMAS COVINGTON
I mean, surely you can't be
serious.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Oh, but I am serious.
And don't call me Shirley.

THOMAS COVINGTON
16 hours on set?

BENJAMIN PATEL
That's a fact, Jack.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Like, in a row?

MATTHEW O'LEARY
That's showbiz, baby.

The remaining stand-ins and featured background actors
filter in, splitting up to assume their previous positions:

BEGIN MONTAGE

1. Family matriarch Helen retakes her front row seat.

2. Stacy sits a row behind, portraying the Don's goomah.

3. Mob enforcer Brock smooths his slicked-back hair.

4. Hitman Chad sips a protein shake while swiping right.

5. Singer Brianna straddles the microphone stand, sticks out
her pierced tongue and takes a selfie.

END MONTAGE

Deontae dances with funeral home employee PENELOPE LAFLEUR
(35, heavyset, infectious smile). He motions to a young
woman reading a script and flashes a hopeful smile.

DEONTAE FERNANDEZ
Hey hermosa, come join us.

Rehearsing her lines as the boss's daughter, Becky Lynn
rolls her eyes and ignores him.

Nearby, Blue Lou Boyle approaches the funeral platform,
tucks a flask into his tuxedo jacket and grins, wrinkling
the edge of his fake scar.

WAYNE SCANLON
Little help?
21.


Wayne puts a hand on Tom's shoulder and climbs into the
casket, sinking into the coffin's plush interior.

WAYNE SCANLON
Think it's time for a nap. Wake me
up when it's over, chief.

With the faint sound of Southern rock in his earbuds, he
folds his hands over his chest and closes his eyes.

In the near-empty audience, Matt suddenly rises in his seat
with a gasp, eyes glued to his phone.

MATTHEW O'LEARY
Ha, I knew it!

Benji's ears perk up as his gossip radar goes off and
several heads turn to hear the breaking news.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Well? Spill the tea, darling.

MATTHEW O'LEARY
Oh dear, it seems SOMEONE leaked
photos of Alistair Rumplestinch
with a mouthful of sausage.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Now, THAT I'd like to see.

THOMAS COVINGTON
He's gay?

MATTHEW O'LEARY
I wish.

THOMAS COVINGTON
So what's the big deal?

BENJAMIN PATEL
Elementary, my dear Watson. He's
not gay, he's--

MATTHEW O'LEARY AND BENJAMIN PATEL
'VEGAN'.

MATTHEW O'LEARY
Says here he supposedly eats a
full-on English breakfast every
morning: Baked beans, grilled
tomatoes, black pudding, the works.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Uh oh.
22.


Caffeinated Jeff zooms onto the set and joins Tom at the
casket. He reaches into Blue Lou's coat, spins the cap from
Wayne's flask, adds a wee dram to his coffee and stirs it
with a ballpoint.

Jeff returns the hooch and cautiously takes a scalding sip.
He puts the dripping pen in his mouth, holds it like a
cigarette, inspects his new stand-in and nods agreeably.

THOMAS COVINGTON (CONT'D)
How am I doing?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
You're doing great Alistair, just
stay on your mark.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Sarah's never gonna believe this.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Sorry you didn't get to meet him.
Usually Ali stops by the holding
tent before filming to thank the
background.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Yeah. Um, about that. There's
something I've been meaning to--

A squawk of radio chatter in Jeff's earpiece diverts his
attention. He pauses, listening with an index finger raised.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
(headset mic)
Copy that.
(to room)
Alright listen up! Jerry likes what
he sees.
(headset mic)
Kelley, bring our background
friends over to set.

KELLEY DELORENZO (V.O.)
(dejected)
Yeah, sure. Whatever. I mean,
what's the point? Copy that.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
(headset mic)
Stay on target, Gold Leader.
Hang in there Kiki, it gets better.
23.


THOMAS COVINGTON
You do know what happened to those
guys, right?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
They helped defeat the Empire and
became famous?

THOMAS COVINGTON
They went down in flames.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
(grins)
Sounds like a win-win to me.
(to room)
Okay, I need First Team in here.
Let's make a movie, people!
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary On a funeral home set, the crew prepares for filming as the Darrells adjust light panels, cameramen set up equipment, and a director of photography blocks out shots. Stand-ins and background actors take their positions. Deontae dances with Penelope, while Becky Lynn ignores him. Blue Lou Boyle approaches the platform. Wayne Scanlon naps in a casket. Matt shares a scandal about Alistair Rumplestinch, and Jeff approves Tom's performance as a stand-in. The scene is lively and energetic, with a mix of excitement, humor, and potential conflicts arising from the gossip.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Humorous interactions
  • Unique behind-the-scenes perspective
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and provides a unique perspective on the filmmaking process. The humor and witty dialogue keep the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the chaos and humor behind the scenes of a film set is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around the preparations for filming a funeral scene, the interactions between the characters, and the unfolding gossip and revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and humorous situations within the familiar setting of a film set, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are quirky, humorous, and each brings a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions drive the humor and dynamics of the scene.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on humor and interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the gossip and dynamics of the film set while maintaining professionalism and focus on his role.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully film the scene and interact with the other characters on set.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on humor and character interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with characters facing distractions and gossip that challenge their focus and professionalism.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, with the focus being more on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the filming of the funeral scene and introducing new elements and characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected gossip revelations and quirky character interactions that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between maintaining professionalism and dealing with gossip and distractions on set.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The emotional impact is low in this scene, with the focus being more on humor and entertainment.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and sarcastic dialogue adds humor and depth to the scene. The banter between the characters keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the fast-paced montage, witty dialogue, and quirky character interactions that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a fast-paced montage and engaging dialogue that keeps the scene moving smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a behind-the-scenes film set scene, with a clear setup, development, and resolution.


Critique
  • The 'hive of activity' is a cliche and doesn't provide any specific or vivid details about the set.
  • The montage of preparations is too long and repetitive, slowing down the pace of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the other stand-ins is mostly exposition, which could be streamlined or cut to focus more on the action and character dynamics.
  • The sudden reveal that Alistair Rumplestinch is vegan feels like a non-sequitur and doesn't add much to the scene or the overall story.
  • Jeff's behavior of adding alcohol to his coffee and using a pen as a cigarette seems out of character for a professional second unit director.
  • The ending of the scene, with Kelley's dejected response, doesn't provide a clear transition to the next scene and leaves the reader hanging.
Suggestions
  • Replace the 'hive of activity' with specific details about the set, such as the sound of hammers, the smell of sawdust, or the movement of crew members.
  • Combine or shorten the montage of preparations, focusing on the most important actions that set up the shot.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Tom and the other stand-ins to be more natural and revealing of their characters.
  • Consider removing or revising the reveal about Alistair Rumplestinch's veganism to make it more relevant to the scene or the overall story.
  • Tone down Jeff's eccentric behavior to make him more believable as a professional director.
  • Add a brief transition or dialogue exchange at the end of the scene to connect it to the next scene and provide a sense of closure.



Scene 14 -  New Extra Meets Seasoned Veteran and Shares Breakfast
INT. EXTRAS HOLDING - MORNING

SUPER: earlier that day

Sitting back at his table, Tom winces as he sips from the
tiny carton of orange drink. His neighbors look on in
amusement as Tom begins unwrapping his breakfast burrito.

WAYNE SCANLON
Man, he must be desperate.

HELEN MITCHELL
Bless his heart.

While he picks at the foil, GLORIA HAYNES (45, bald,
beautiful) approaches Tom's table carrying a takeout
container and several manila folders.

WAYNE SCANLON
There she is.

HELEN MITCHELL
Better late than never, hun.

GLORIA HAYNES
Story of my life, Mama.
(to Tom)
Is this seat taken?

THOMAS COVINGTON
No. Please, sit down. I'm Tom.

Shaking his hand, she smiles and sets down her things.

GLORIA HAYNES
I think I will. Hi, I'm Gloria.
24.


HELEN MITCHELL
What took you so long?

GLORIA HAYNES
Stopped to pick up some breakfast.

Slicing through layers of cellophane with a fingernail, she
pulls away the wrapping and pops open the Styrofoam lid.

WAYNE SCANLON
What ya got there, darlin'?

GLORIA HAYNES
Just a little snack.

HELEN MITCHELL
Crew food again?

GLORIA HAYNES
Better.

Tom re-wraps the breakfast burrito and takes a quick peek to
check out Gloria's steaming pile of hot food. He leans over
to catch a whiff and his stomach growls.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Wow, that smells amazing.

GLORIA HAYNES
Would you like some?
There's absolutely no way I'm gonna
be able to finish all this.

THOMAS COVINGTON
That's very kind of you.
Are you sure?

Gloria dangles a charred, floppy slice of tomato from a
plastic fork and flicks it into the grass.

GLORIA HAYNES
Sure I'm sure. I just want the
scrambled eggs and toast.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Thank you, Gloria. Seriously,
you're a lifesaver. I owe you one.

GLORIA HAYNES
Nah, your welcome. Consider it a
gift on your first day. Here, help
yourself. You can have those beans.
Take the mushrooms and that funky-
ass sausage, too.
25.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Tom, a new extra, is eating breakfast when Gloria Haynes, an experienced extra, arrives late with food and manila folders. They introduce themselves and Gloria shares her food with Tom, establishing a friendly rapport. Other extras, Wayne and Helen, make comments about their interactions. The scene takes place in the extras holding area in the morning and has a light-hearted and friendly tone.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of community and camaraderie among the characters, setting a positive and welcoming tone. The light-hearted dialogue and humorous interactions make it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the interactions and dynamics among extras on a film set is unique and provides insight into the behind-the-scenes world of filmmaking. The theme of generosity and new beginnings adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it serves as a moment of character development and world-building. The interactions among the characters add richness to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its realistic portrayal of casual interactions and the characters' dynamic relationships. The authenticity of the dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique personality to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their individual quirks and traits, making them memorable and engaging.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions and conversations contribute to the development of relationships and dynamics among the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and welcomed on his first day. This reflects his deeper need for connection and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate his first day on set smoothly and make a good impression on his colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the interactions and relationships among the characters. The conflict is mostly internal or subtle, adding to the light-hearted tone.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is minimal, with no significant obstacles or conflicts that create tension or suspense.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in the scene, focusing more on character interactions and relationships rather than high-stakes drama. The emphasis is on building a sense of community and camaraderie.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward but provides valuable insight into the characters and their relationships. It adds depth to the world of the film and enhances the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected generosity of Gloria towards the protagonist, adding a twist to the casual interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' generosity and the protagonist's sense of indebtedness. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about reciprocity and kindness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and camaraderie, creating a positive emotional impact on the audience. The interactions and gestures of kindness among the characters resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and natural, capturing the essence of casual conversations among acquaintances. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters and the relatable dynamics of a first day on set.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a natural flow of conversation and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character introductions and natural progression of dialogue.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is rather stiff and unnatural. People don't usually speak in such a formal and polite manner, especially in a casual setting like the extras holding area.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It's not immediately clear what the characters are doing or what they want to achieve.
  • The characters are not particularly well-developed. They are introduced with brief descriptions, but we don't get much insight into their personalities or motivations.
  • The scene could use more visual interest. The current description is mostly focused on dialogue, but there's not much action or movement to make it visually engaging.
  • The ending of the scene is somewhat abrupt. It feels like the conversation could have continued, or that something else should happen to provide a stronger sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and colloquial. People should speak in a way that sounds like they would in real life.
  • Give the scene a clearer sense of purpose. What are the characters trying to achieve? What obstacles are they facing?
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more detailed descriptions, motivations, and backstories.
  • Incorporate more visual interest into the scene by describing the setting, the characters' actions, and their interactions with each other.
  • Extend the ending of the scene to provide a stronger sense of closure. This could involve adding more dialogue, action, or a twist that leaves the reader wanting more.



Scene 15 -  Confrontations and Excitement at the Funeral Home Set
INT. FUNERAL HOME SET - EVENING

Jeff sits behind the Director of Photography checking out
the raw feed. Crew members make comments in his earpiece
while the scene draws to a close.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
And...Cut.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
CUT! That's a cut!

Kelley argues with her phone.

KELLEY DELORENZO
(angry)
Oh yeah, THAT's a cut! Whatever.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Dat was good. Lighting looked good?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Looked great to me.

LAWRENCE MALONE (V.O.)
(earpiece)
Wait for it.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Mm-hmm. Ya, dat was very good.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Best one yet.

MICHAEL WURTZ (V.O.)
(earpiece)
Wait for it.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Spot on, ya?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
You really nailed it.

LAWRENCE MALONE (V.O.)
(earpiece)
Don't tell me.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Ya, dat was PERFECT. Let's do it
one more time--
26.


MICHAEL WURTZ (V.O.)
(earpiece)
In nature, nothing is perfect and
everything is perfect.

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Hey Jerry, Background is gonna need
a few minutes. A few of our
mourners ate the burritos and need
to use the restroom.

GERHARDT KLUUNDT
Ya, I think we got what ve need.
Let's take a break and reset.

MICHAEL WURTZ (V.O.)
(earpiece)
Hey Jeff, ask Jerry what's up with
that last-minute script revision?
Is the studio changing the ending?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
(headset mic)
I'll ask, but you really gotta stop
doing that. He's already paranoid.
(to room)
That's a break, everybody!
Good job, everyone.

KELLEY DELORENZO
Background, if you need to use the
restroom, NOW'S the fuckin' time!
(bitterly)
Or not, who cares?

JEFFREY LACHMAN
Remember where you were sitting. I
need you all back here in 10.

Tom spots Gloria at the edge of the set. She looks
devastating, dripping with bling in a black evening dress,
loops of caramel hair coiled under a jeweled veil.

In stockings and stilettos, the femme fatale chats quietly
with the script supervisor. He nods and excitedly scrawls on
a legal pad. The inspired writer grabs his notes and calls
out to Jerry excitedly.

Gloria walks over to share a few words with Penelope. The
big girl dances like no one's watching as the ladies enjoy a
playful laugh.

Tom sees his chance and abandons his post, striding
purposefully to confront the suspected food thief.
27.


THOMAS COVINGTON
So, how did you get it?

GLORIA HAYNES
Hey there. You still hungry?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Blackmail?

GLORIA HAYNES
That's an ugly word, Tom.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Extortion?

GLORIA HAYNES
You should be thanking me.

THOMAS COVINGTON
That's not the point.
How did you get it?

GLORIA HAYNES
Like anything else around here.
Networking.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You got it from Alistair's stand-
in, didn't you?

GLORIA HAYNES
No telling where it came from.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You knew that he was selling photos
to the tabloids?

GLORIA HAYNES
Of course. It was my idea.
Doesn't matter now, does it?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Who turned him in?
I guess I should thank them.

GLORIA HAYNES
Thank her yourself.

With a satisfied grin, Penny takes a deep theatrical bow.

THOMAS COVINGTON
You?
28.


GLORIA HAYNES
You're welcome.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
I'm glad he's gone. He was a dick.
He made fun of my stunt videos.
I trained really hard for them.

GLORIA HAYNES
She's very good.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
Besides, it was Gloria's idea.
She looks out for us.

GLORIA HAYNES
I try.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
Plus, we got better parts.

THOMAS COVINGTON
We?

GLORIA HAYNES
Uh, hello? It WAS my idea.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
I've been preparing for this day my
whole career, and it's finally here
thanks to her.

GLORIA HAYNES
She's gonna get shot.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
I'm so excited.

THOMAS COVINGTON
What about you? You look like a
Bond girl. What's your role?

GLORIA HAYNES
I'm still working on that.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jeff and the Director of Photography review a scene's raw feed while Kelley vents her phone frustration. Gerhardt Kluundt, the director, awaits input from Lawrence Malone and Michael Wurtz via earpieces. Tom confronts Gloria about a stolen script, which Penelope reveals she turned Alistair's stand-in over to the studio. Amidst these conflicts, Gloria and Penelope excitedly discuss upcoming opportunities, creating a tense yet exhilarating atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in character relationships
  • Slightly chaotic pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with humor, tension, and drama. It provides a glimpse into the chaotic world of filmmaking and sets up intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the behind-the-scenes drama of a film set is executed well, providing insight into the dynamics between crew members and actors.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the chaos and tension on a film set, with elements of scandal and intrigue. It moves the story forward by introducing conflicts and character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique situations, fresh dialogue, and authentic character interactions, contributing to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and engaging, each with their own personalities and motivations. The interactions between them drive the scene forward and create conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience changes in their relationships and dynamics throughout the scene, particularly in response to the scandal and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and professionalism in the face of unexpected challenges and conflicts.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the production of the film and address any issues that arise during filming.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in terms of interpersonal dynamics and the unfolding drama on the film set.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and conflicting motivations.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively high, with scandals, conflicts, and tensions unfolding on the film set, impacting the characters' relationships and the production.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and tensions that will likely impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected conflicts, character revelations, and plot developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of perfection and imperfection, as characters discuss the nature of perfection in art and life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and realistic, capturing the banter and tension between the characters. It adds depth to the interactions and reveals character traits.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, conflict-driven interactions, and unexpected plot twists.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension, building suspense, and highlighting character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear dialogue and action descriptions.


Critique
  • The dialogue is clunky and unnatural. For example, the line "Dat was good. Lighting looked good?" is awkward and doesn't sound like something a real person would say.
  • The scene lacks focus and direction. It starts with Jeff and the Director of Photography reviewing the raw feed, but then quickly shifts to Gloria and Tom's conversation about the stolen script.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear. For example, why is Tom so obsessed with finding out who stole the script?
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Give the scene a clearer focus and direction.
  • Develop the characters more fully and make their motivations clear.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene.



Scene 16 -  Kelley's Struggle: A Tense Funeral Home Scene
INT. FUNERAL HOME SET - CONTINUOUS

KELLEY DELORENZO
(dejected)
Silence, Background.
(sigh)
Dead silence.
29.


Trying hard to keep it together, the heartbroken P.A. can
barely squeak out the words before her bottom lip quivers.

KELLEY DELORENZO
Back to--
(sniff)
Back to--
(sob)
Back to one...

HELEN MITCHELL
Someone's having a bad day.

ANASTASIA GLASS
Lord knows I've been there.

HELEN MITCHELL
Pretty sure we all have, dear.

Kelley watches cat videos on her phone and smiles weakly.

ANASTASIA GLASS
Kelley's not so bad.
She's got a tough job.

HELEN MITCHELL
That poor girl deserves a spa day.

ANASTASIA GLASS
Fabulous idea. I'm in. Maybe I'll
ask if she wants to come with--

Kelley looks up and dabs at her eyes with a napkin.

HELEN MITCHELL
We can get our hair and nails done.

ANASTASIA GLASS
I love it! Leave everything to me,
I know the perfect place. Best
mani-pedi in Buckhead. Hot stones,
a little wine, and a nice facial.

Kelley rises and marches over to the chatty extras.

HELEN MITCHELL
Well, speak of the devil.
Here she comes now.

ANASTASIA GLASS
Ooh, this is gonna be so much fun!
30.


KELLEY DELORENZO
(angry hiss)
I said I want SILENCE, background!

ANASTASIA GLASS
Never mind.

HELEN MITCHELL
Bless her heart.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this emotional funeral home scene, Kelley DeLorenzo, the heartbroken P.A., struggles to maintain silence as Helen Mitchell and Anastasia Glass try to comfort her with a spa day idea. Kelley's anger is revealed when she snaps at chatty extras, demanding silence. Gloria Haynes briefly appears, while Kelley's visual cues of watching cat videos and dabbing her eyes with a napkin add depth to her internal conflict. The scene ends on a tense note as Kelley angrily demands silence.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot development
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional dynamics and humor of the film set, providing insight into the characters' experiences and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the behind-the-scenes interactions of film extras and production assistants is engaging and offers a fresh perspective on the filmmaking process.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the interactions and challenges faced by the characters on set, providing a glimpse into the daily workings of a film production.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the funeral home setting by infusing it with humor and camaraderie among the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each bringing their own personality and experiences to the scene, adding depth and authenticity to the setting.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and challenges faced by the characters contribute to their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and professionalism despite her emotional turmoil. This reflects her need to be strong and capable in her job, even when faced with personal grief.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain order and respect in the funeral home setting. She wants the background noise to be silent to uphold the solemn atmosphere.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some conflict in the scene, particularly with Kelley's emotional outburst, the overall tone remains light-hearted and focused on camaraderie.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not particularly strong, as the conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will navigate her personal grief in a professional setting.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the personal interactions and challenges faced by the characters on set.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing insight into the characters' experiences and relationships, setting the stage for future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected moments of humor and lightness in a somber setting, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between personal emotions and professional responsibilities. The protagonist struggles with her own grief while trying to fulfill her duties at work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and empathy for Kelley to excitement and anticipation for upcoming opportunities, creating a dynamic emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, reflecting the emotions and interactions of the characters in a realistic and humorous manner.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it balances emotional depth with moments of humor and camaraderie, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and release, allowing the emotional beats to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the funeral home setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't seem to have a clear purpose. It's unclear what the writer is trying to achieve with this scene.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters don't sound like real people.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The scene is full of unnecessary exposition and could be trimmed down significantly.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting this scene entirely or rewriting it to give it a clear purpose.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some action or conflict to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Cut out any unnecessary exposition and focus on the essential elements of the scene.



Scene 17 -  A Morning Encounter with a Vegan Actor
EXT. STUDIO SOUND STAGE - MORNING

SUPER: earlier that day

Emerging from the bathroom, Tom notices that the rain has
subsided and slings his backpack over a shoulder. He walks
toward EXTRAS HOLDING. Lights above the studio doors flash
red and harsh buzzers warn the uninitiated to be quiet.

An army of backgrounders exit the tent. Benji spies Tom,
gives a whistle and waves his arms. The teacher flashes a
peace sign and Ben rejoins the herd marching up the sloppy
hill toward the studio.

As Tom reaches the walkway, the alarm stops and a black
minivan slows to a stop at the curb. The disheveled
passenger gets out in a blazer, linen shirt and jeans.
Alistair Rumplestinch opens a Union Jack umbrella.

THOMAS COVINGTON
It's you.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
(British accent)
Yes, well, I suppose it is. Hello.
Unfortunately, I am also dreadfully
late and curse the luck, it would
seem that someone has apparently
misplaced my morning meal and I am
absolutely famished. So yea, good
sir, be there yet any nourishment
remaining within yonder tent?

THOMAS COVINGTON
I have a breakfast burrito--

More than a little star-struck, Tom pulls the suspect bacon,
egg, and processed cheese torpedo from his backpack.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
A breakfast burrito, you say?

The hungry Brit eagerly accepts Tom's parcel.
31.


ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH (CONT'D)
What a scrumptious gastronomic
treat! This might come as a
surprise to you, but I've never
sampled this particular Yankee
delicacy because, as I'm sure
you're aware, I've been living a
strict vegan lifestyle for quite a
number of years. Tell me, good sir,
what do I owe you? How can I repay
you for your unselfish act?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Could I get an autograph? Maybe a
picture? My wife Sarah is a huge
fan, by the way.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
Oh dear. Terribly sorry, old chap.
Afraid I haven't got a pen at the
moment and I must get to wardrobe.

THOMAS COVINGTON
That's OK.
I'm just glad I got to meet you.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
I'm sorry it was so brief. I do
hope I wasn't too disappointing.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Not at all. You were nice. You were
humble. You weren't a jerk.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
Yes, well, thank you. You're very
kind to say so. My best to Sarah.

As he is led away, the longtime BBC stalwart pauses and
turns back with an Oscar-worthy smile.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH (CONT'D)
Tell you what; Come find me when we
wrap and I'll sign whatever you
like, take as many photos as you
like. How's that sound?

THOMAS COVINGTON
You had me at hello, Mister
Rumplestinch.

ALISTAIR RUMPLESTINCH
Call me Ali, all my friends do.
32.


Ali unravels the foil from the burrito and takes a big bite
with an impatient assistant tugging at his elbow.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Okay Ali, I will.

Sir Alistair Rumplestinch departs with a cheerful wave and a
newly-acquired case of Salmonella poisoning.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Tom, a background actor and teacher, meets the famous British actor Alistair Rumplestinch on set. Starstruck, Tom offers Alistair his breakfast burrito, which the vegan actor happily accepts. Tom requests an autograph and a picture, but Alistair has to leave for wardrobe. Alistair promises to fulfill Tom's request later, leaving Tom excited for their next meeting.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character interaction
  • Heartwarming moments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-written, with a good balance of humor and heartwarming moments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a chance encounter between a fan and a famous actor, centered around a breakfast burrito, is unique and adds a fun element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the unexpected meeting between Tom and Alistair, adding a light-hearted and comedic touch to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the celebrity-fan interaction trope by portraying Alistair as a down-to-earth character despite his fame. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Tom and Alistair are well-developed, with Alistair's charming British persona contrasting with Tom's star-struck but genuine demeanor.

Character Changes: 4

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it showcases the beginning of a potential friendship between Tom and Alistair.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to meet his idol, Alistair Rumplestinch, and make a positive impression. This reflects his desire for validation, connection, and admiration.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to deliver a breakfast burrito to Alistair Rumplestinch. This reflects the immediate task he needs to complete within the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the light-hearted interaction between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with the obstacle of Alistair's lack of pen adding a small challenge for Tom to overcome.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character interaction rather than high drama.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic between characters and setting up potential future interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Alistair being a vegan and the humorous exchange between him and Tom.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Tom's star-struck admiration for Alistair and Alistair's casual, humble demeanor. This challenges Tom's perception of celebrity and fame.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and amusement, creating a positive emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the essence of the characters and their interaction effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the humor infused in the dialogue, and the anticipation of meeting a celebrity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation as Tom interacts with Alistair, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, following the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, adhering to the expected format for a character-driven interaction scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit too expository and on-the-nose. For example, Alistair Rumplestinch's long speech about being vegan and not having had a breakfast burrito before feels like it's there to explain his character to the audience rather than to serve the scene's plot or character development.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The description of the setting is fairly bland, and there's not much action or movement to keep the reader engaged. For example, you could include more details about the studio sound stage, such as the equipment and crew members present, or you could have Tom and Alistair Rumplestinch interact with each other in a more dynamic way.
  • The scene could be more suspenseful or dramatic. The stakes are fairly low, and there's not much conflict or tension between the characters.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. It feels like the conversation between Tom and Alistair Rumplestinch is cut off before it has a chance to fully develop.
  • It's unclear what the purpose of the scene is. It doesn't seem to advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository. Focus on giving the characters distinct voices and motivations.
  • Add more visual details to the setting to make it more interesting and immersive.
  • Increase the stakes of the scene by adding a conflict or tension between the characters. For example, you could have Tom and Alistair Rumplestinch argue about their different acting methods.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by allowing the conversation between Tom and Alistair Rumplestinch to develop more fully. For example, you could have them discuss their experiences as actors or their thoughts on the film they're working on.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't serve a clear purpose in the story.



Scene 18 -  Resolving Character Conflicts and Revealing Future Roles in a Parking Garage
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

A line of cars file out of the parking deck. The elevator
opens. Tom, Gloria, Ben, and Penny exit mid-conversation.

THOMAS COVINGTON
So, let me get this straight.
You're playing my--
I mean, Don Vincenzo's long lost
secret mistress?

GLORIA HAYNES
My character is an informant living
a quiet life in witness protection.
Until you kill our autistic son.

BENJAMIN PATEL
I'm so happy Matthew got the part.

THOMAS COVINGTON
And now you're back for revenge?

BENJAMIN PATEL
She's there to roar and rampage and
get bloody satisfaction.

THOMAS COVINGTON
I'll say. She drives a purple
Cadillac through the doors with
guns blazing and kills me.
I mean, Him.

GLORIA HAYNES
Exactly. Technically it's only one
gun, but yeah, that's the idea.

THOMAS COVINGTON
And we find out the bosses daughter
is secretly in love with Elvis?

BENJAMIN PATEL
Weren't we all?

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
That's when I get killed by you.
33.


THOMAS COVINGTON
You mean Don Vincenzo.

GLORIA HAYNES
Better than that, she saves our
lives diving in front of the gun.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
No big deal. Barrel roll over the
hood, slide down the bumper to the
floor. Few squibs and a couple
blood bags. Standard stuff.

THOMAS COVINGTON
Then Elvis finds the diamonds and
flies to Tahiti with my daughter.
HIS daughter. Ali's daughter.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Yay! A good, old-fashioned happy
ending. What's wrong with that?

THOMAS COVINGTON
Leaving you to take over as the new
Lady Godfather of Detroit.

GLORIA HAYNES
Better late than never.
But that's all for tomorrow.

PENELOPE LAFLEUR
Are you coming back?

BENJAMIN PATEL
What do you say, Shane?

THOMAS COVINGTON
I don't know, I'll have to talk it
over with Sarah. Kinda bummed I
never got a picture with Alistair.

GLORIA HAYNES
Check your messages.

A text notification shows a new attachment. Tom opens it to
see a video of himself talking with Alistair Rumplestinch.

THOMAS COVINGTON
This is great. You took this?

GLORIA HAYNES
Don't share it with TMZ.
34.


THOMAS COVINGTON
How did you know where to send it?

GLORIA HAYNES
Fear not, doubting Thomas.

Gloria holds up a few typewritten sheets of paper stapled
together at the corner. Benji lets out a startled gasp.

THOMAS COVINGTON
What is it? Larry's homework?

BENJAMIN PATEL
(hushed awe)
The stuff that dreams are made of.

GLORIA HAYNES
The studio's Master call sheet.

BENJAMIN PATEL
Behold. The Holy Grail. The full
legal name, phone number and email
address of basically everyone on
set. Every single B.G., P.A., A.D.,
Crew, Crafty or criminal on this
entire project.

THOMAS COVINGTON
How'd you get your hands on that?
Wait, let me guess--

GLORIA HAYNES
Networking.

CREDITS

POST CREDITS
Genres: ["Comedy","Action","Drama"]

Summary The group, including Doubting Thomas, Gloria, Ben, Penelope, and a mention of Alistair, exits a parking garage and discusses the plot of their movie. Gloria's character, a witness protection informant seeking revenge, and Penelope's character, who sacrifices herself to save Gloria's character, are discussed in detail. Tom reveals his new role as the Lady Godfather of Detroit. The scene has a playful and collaborative tone with a hint of tension and excitement for the future. It ends with Gloria showing Tom the studio's master call sheet and Tom finding a video of himself with Alistair, with a warning not to share it with TMZ.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Witty dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be confusing for viewers unfamiliar with the movie industry

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging with a mix of humor, drama, and action. The dialogue is witty and the plot is intriguing, keeping the audience entertained. The introduction of the stolen script subplot and the surprise reveal of the Master call sheet add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revenge and redemption in a movie set setting is unique and engaging. The subplot of the stolen script and the Master call sheet adds complexity to the story, keeping the audience intrigued.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed with multiple layers of intrigue, including the stolen script subplot and the surprise reveal of the Master call sheet. The interactions between the characters drive the story forward and keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unexpected plot twists, such as the revelation of the studio's Master call sheet, adding a fresh and intriguing element to the story. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, contributing to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined with distinct personalities and motivations. Each character contributes to the plot in a meaningful way, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development in the scene, as characters reveal their motivations and desires for revenge or redemption. The interactions between the characters lead to some growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex relationships and dynamics within the film production team, while also dealing with personal emotions and decisions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully complete the film production and handle any unexpected challenges that may arise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, as characters discuss their roles in the movie and their motivations for seeking revenge or redemption. The conflict drives the plot forward and adds tension to the story.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with some challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome. The uncertainty of how certain events will unfold adds tension and suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as characters discuss their roles in the movie and their motivations for seeking revenge or redemption. The interactions between the characters reveal the risks and rewards of their actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, such as the stolen script subplot and the Master call sheet. The interactions between the characters drive the plot forward and set up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists and character revelations, keeping the audience on their toes and intrigued by the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral choices and ethical dilemmas within the context of their work in the film industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as characters discuss their roles in the movie and their motivations for seeking revenge or redemption. The interactions between the characters evoke a range of emotions, from humor to drama.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging. It reveals the personalities of the characters and drives the plot forward. The banter between the characters adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic and witty dialogue, the intriguing plot developments, and the relatable interactions between the characters. The audience is drawn into the story and eager to see what happens next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the progression of the characters' interactions and the development of the plot. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks subtext. The characters merely restate the plot of the movie they are working on, which the audience has already gathered from previous scenes.
  • The characters' motivations are unclear. Why is Tom so eager to take over as the new Lady Godfather of Detroit? What does Gloria Haynes hope to gain from sharing the master call sheet with Tom?
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict. The characters are simply discussing the plot of the movie, which could be done in a more engaging way.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. The reveal that Gloria Haynes has the master call sheet is not particularly surprising or satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue. What are the characters' unspoken motivations and desires?
  • Give the characters clear motivations for their actions. Why does Tom want to take over as the new Lady Godfather of Detroit? What does Gloria Haynes hope to gain from sharing the master call sheet with Tom?
  • Create a sense of tension or conflict in the scene. Perhaps Tom and Gloria have different ideas about what should happen next in the movie.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Perhaps Tom and Gloria make a pact to work together to achieve their goals.



Scene 19 -  Mysterious Encounter in the Parking Garage
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

The parking deck is completely empty. 2 pink voucher slips
are caught by a gust of wind and spiral into an updraft. A
crow pecks at the remains of a discarded burrito, only to be
startled by the parting doors of the elevator.

Pushing a wheeled overnight bag with a small cooler perched
on top, the anonymous Asian woman steps onto the rooftop lot
wearing her oversized sunglasses and tinted poker visor.

As if on cue, a white cargo van climbs the ramp and pulls to
a stop beside her. The side door opens and she ambles inside
with her things. It slides closed behind her and the
mysterious vehicle pulls away, heading down the exit ramp
bearing the vanity license plate: YKZA-1.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary An unidentified Asian woman, carrying a wheeled overnight bag and a cooler, has a rendezvous with a white cargo van in a deserted parking garage. The van, bearing the vanity plate YKZA-1, drives away with the woman, leaving the garage empty once more. The scene is shrouded in a mysterious and suspenseful tone, with no dialogue or conflicts presented.
Strengths
  • Creating a sense of mystery and intrigue
  • Visual storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and suspenseful tone, leaving the audience curious and intrigued about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious woman arriving in an empty parking garage and disappearing into a white cargo van is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 7

The plot is minimal in this scene but serves to create a sense of mystery and suspense, setting up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique setting, character actions, and plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and actions adds to the freshness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters in this scene are not fully developed, but they contribute to the overall mysterious atmosphere.

Character Changes: 3

There are no significant character changes in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to complete a secretive transaction or meeting, as indicated by her discreet arrival and departure in the cargo van. This reflects her need for secrecy and possibly her desire for power or control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to exchange or acquire something of value, likely related to the contents of the cooler she brings with her. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the meeting and the challenges she faces in maintaining secrecy and completing the transaction successfully.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is a subtle conflict implied by the mysterious arrival and departure of the Asian woman, but it is not fully developed in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's goals, but not so overwhelming that the outcome is predictable.

High Stakes: 5

The high stakes are implied by the mysterious actions of the characters, but they are not fully revealed in this scene.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets the stage for future events and introduces elements that will drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of the cargo van, the secretive nature of the protagonist's actions, and the mysterious license plate.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between secrecy and transparency, as represented by the protagonist's covert actions and the public setting of the parking garage. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust, power, and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and intrigue, leading to a moderate emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 5

There is minimal dialogue in this scene, focusing more on visual storytelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, intriguing characters, and suspenseful plot developments that keep the audience guessing.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following a logical progression of events that lead to the protagonist's arrival and departure.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide any closure to the story.
  • The scene doesn't have any dialogue, which makes it difficult for the reader to understand what is happening.
  • The scene doesn't provide any context for the events that have led up to it.
  • The scene doesn't have any clear purpose or goal.
  • The scene doesn't add anything to the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue to the scene to help the reader understand what is happening.
  • Provide more context for the events that have led up to the scene.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal.
  • Add more details to the scene to make it more interesting and engaging.