EXT. MONTANA HIGHWAY - DAY.
SUPER: SUMMER 2000
Midday sun beats down on a van pulled to the side of a
barren highway winding through the prairie wilderness. With
mountains in the distance, 2 sweaty young men struggle to
change a flat front tire.
The van's door bears a CHEF*TV logo with text reading:
America's Cultural Cuisine. A tumbleweed blows past a shabby
trailer hitched behind the van. Hot pink curtains frame the
plastic window, which rattles from the music blaring inside.
TITLE CARD: BAD FOODIE
INT. CHEF TV TALENT TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY CLOCHE sits at a pink dressing table chopping lines
of cocaine with a chef's knife. An open bottle of whiskey
sits next to an autographed photo of Julia Child, complete
with a lipstick kiss. He takes a bong rip and downs a shot
of booze before putting a rolled $20 bill to his nose.
GUIDRY
1 little, 2 little, 3 little Indi--
The door opens and a black man enters. FJ LEWIS coughs and
turns down the boombox. He grabs a nearby magazine and waves
the air to clear the smoky haze. FJ tries to put it down but
it sticks to his palm. Grossed out, he shakes his hand free.
FJ LEWIS
Open a window or something, Gid.
Get the air circulating at least.
We're almost done with the tire.
He grabs the liquor bottle and looks at the label.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
What're you drinking? Old Crow? How
appropriate. Well, when in Rome--
The producer takes a swig and grimaces at the burn.
GUIDRY
This ain't Rome, kid. Been there
lots of times, until I got arrested
and they revoked my Visa.
FJ LEWIS
Arrested? What for?
GUIDRY
Disturbing the peace. Got in a
fistfight in Trevi Fountain with
Francesco Rinaldi. Sonofabitch said
I got his wife Prego.
FJ LEWIS
Who are you calling kid? You're not
much older than me.
GUIDRY
Yeah, but those are TV years. It's
different. Like the Metric System.
Don't try to understand.
FJ LEWIS
But, I mean, Montana is beautiful.
How could you not love this place?
GUIDRY
Is that supposed to be some kind of
joke? Look, I'll do what I have to
because I need this gig, but places
like this are a living hell for a
refined palette such as mine.
FJ LEWIS
What do you mean?
GUIDRY
I mean, how many Rocky Mountain
oysters do I have to eat? How'd
that even become a thing? For
fuck's sake the porcupine meatballs
are made from actual porcupine!
FJ LEWIS
Well, you'd better eat 'em and
smile, because it's down to you and
that New York chef with the book
deal. One of you is getting picked
up by the network. Then it's 30
weeks on the road eating in every
ethnic hash house in America, so
keep your antacids handy.
GUIDRY
I got a little excited when I saw
that I'd be eating beaver. It looks
good on paper, but I suspect it's
not as enjoyable as it sounds.
Throw me a bone here, Hollywood.
Take pity on the talent. I'm only
human.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Can't I just lift up the plate
while you run stock footage of me
chewing?
FJ LEWIS
Doesn't work like that. And don't
call me Hollywood. Besides, these
Native folks are nice, and they're
making serious bank slinging that
roadkill to the tourists.
The men gather their things and exit the trailer.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Trailer Talk and Career Jokes
EXT. CHEF TV TALENT TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY
Who had this trailer before me?
FJ LEWIS
Not sure. I know the network was
reluctant to give it to you after
the last one went up in flames.
GUIDRY
That wasn't my fault! I was in New
Mexico with Alton Brown, working on
a gazpacho recipe he got from some
chemistry teacher. I love Al, known
him a long time. But he takes the
Lex Luthor stuff too far sometimes.
FJ LEWIS
I've heard that about him.
GUIDRY
Pretty sure this trailer belonged
to that Southern lady with the lard
biscuits. You know the one--
FJ LEWIS
--who said the N-word on live TV?
GUIDRY
That's her!
FJ LEWIS
Well, bless her racist little
heart, cause it's her time slot
that's up for grabs.
The 2 youths finish putting away the jack and roll away the
flat tire, leaving it discarded by the side of the road.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
I know it's my first primetime gig,
but this show could get you off the
D-list if you don't screw it up.
GUIDRY
D-list? Hey, I'm at least C-list.
FJ LEWIS
Not for long. Come on and ride up
front with us. We're almost there.
FJ hops into the driver's seat, Guidry takes the passenger
spot. The other crew members climb inside, the van door
closes and they drive off.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Behind the Scenes: A Culinary Showdown
EXT. DOWNTOWN HELENA, MONTANA. - LATER
With the van parked on the street, FJ walks behind the
building where the trailer sits tucked in an alley. He
approaches and bangs on the door.
FJ LEWIS
Game time, Gid. Word is the suits
are really happy with the dailies.
We've got a good shot at being
picked up, so let's finish strong.
Guidry emerges with a powdery nose and joins FJ.
GUIDRY
No sweat. I'm a professional.
FJ LEWIS
Well, you'll have to do until one
shows up. What do you say, can you
fake it for one more show?
GUIDRY
See my face? I'm faking interest
right now. What'd you like me to
fake next? Sincerity? Orgasm?
FJ LEWIS
Look, as soon as we wrap, you're
free to go for 6 weeks until post
is finished so we can get this out
in time for sweeps.
GUIDRY
In this business I'm known as One
Take Guidry. When it comes to food
show hosts, I'm the pinnacle. The
Zenith. Competition? I have none.
FJ LEWIS
I appreciate your confidence, but I
don't know. That other guy is tall,
charismatic, ruggedly handsome--
GUIDRY
What am I, chopped liver over here?
FJ LEWIS
I'm not saying that. But he has an
edge to him that Programming likes.
GUIDRY
God bless, but that glorified line
cook will never go anywhere now
that he's sober. Giving up drugs
was the worst thing he could do if
he wants to make it in this racket.
I wish him well, I really do. But
it doesn't matter what he does.
Against yours truly, his chances
are exactly Zero Point Zero.
FJ LEWIS
Maybe not, but I heard they're
making his novel into a movie.
GUIDRY
(annoyed)
You know what? On second thought,
screw that guy. Let's go.
The pair leave the alley and walk to the front of the café.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I will do whatever it takes. 10
o'clock Wednesday night belongs to
Guidry Cloche. When it comes to
getting this time slot I have
absolutely NO RESERVATIONS.
FJ LEWIS
So let it be written in TV Guide,
so let it be done. It's all a moot
point if we don't nail this pilot.
Let's get your opening monologue
knocked out like we rehearsed.
GUIDRY
I was way too drunk at rehearsal.
FJ LEWIS
You also got naked and puked in my
car's sunroof. So, thanks for that.
The duo reach the front of the café. Crew members, MICHAEL
KUSAMA and RODNEY NEUMANN, are opening equipment crates and
setting up gear as the group meets up.
GUIDRY
Hey Hot Rod, you and Mikey go grab
some java for everyone on me. I saw
a coffee shop just down the street.
Battlestar Arabica or something.
MICHAEL
I think you mean Starbucks.
Guidry hands a rolled up 20 to the sound man.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Whatever. Wait, give it back!
He reclaims the cash and licks the inside of the bill before
handing it back to Rodney, who treats it like a biohazard.
RODNEY
Ew. That is really not OK.
GUIDRY
And I want the change back!
The young crew members amble off and FJ turns to Guidry:
FJ LEWIS
I'd really like to take this show
in a different direction.
GUIDRY
Alright Hollywood, I'm listening.
FJ LEWIS
I used to be a fan of reality TV,
but lately I feel like the audience
deserves better than what the
networks are putting out there. I
mean, MTV begged me to come work
for them. But now, I wish the Real
World would just stop hassling me.
GUIDRY
Nobody at the network gives a shit
about the viewers. It's all about
eyeballs and advertising, period.
FJ LEWIS
It's not enough to simply eat these
people's food, Gid. I want you to
tell their stories. Their struggles
and triumphs. Document the lives of
people that are usually overlooked.
Like that Vietnamese family in
Houston with the kimchi tacos.
GUIDRY
And the Muslim guy in Kansas City.
Best barbecued goat I've ever had.
FJ LEWIS
Exactly. Give it some more depth,
more HUMANITY. I'd like to show
black and brown people that their
lives matter too, y'know?
GUIDRY
I'm gonna go with my gut here. I
always trust my producer to steer
the ship, and if it means more
human interest stories and less
fried testicles, I'm all in.
FJ LEWIS
Thanks, man. It means a lot,
knowing you have my back.
GUIDRY
If the network has a problem with
the new direction, they can fire
me. Wouldn't be the first time.
FJ LEWIS
You're pretty famous in this
business for taking chances.
GUIDRY
Why play it safe? It's boring. I'm
happy my agent got me this gig.
FJ LEWIS
It's got it's moments.
GUIDRY
Are you kidding? I love this job.
You guys take me out to eat and
film me asking a sandwich artist
about the organic chili aioli.
FJ LEWIS
'Next we'll feature a locally-
sourced artisan pimento-loaf
crudité for you to enjoy'.
GUIDRY
While I pretend to be listening to
whatever the fuck the tattooed
hipster with the nose ring is
saying. I nod, do my closing spiel
and we leave. That's my job.
FJ LEWIS
Televised Brunch.
GUIDRY
Don't be fooled. When it comes to
food shows, it's kill or be killed.
FJ LEWIS
Come on. It can't be THAT bad.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
I went on a sushi show and the host
tried to poison me. Puffer fish. It
was a whole thing. I won't name
names but Giada knows what she did.
The returning Rodney and Mike hand out cups of coffee.
FJ LEWIS
How long have you been on TV, Gid?
GUIDRY
I made my dry-aged marrow bones the
old fashioned way. Spent 10 years
slugging it out for tote bag sales
with the other hosts at PBS.
FJ LEWIS
Public broadcasting? That's brutal.
GUIDRY
Talk about a baptism by fire. First
day I made Rick Bayless mad. Thing
about Rick is, he's got lifeless
eyes. Black eyes, like a doll's
eyes. Had me kidnapped in Tijuana.
Turns out El Tiburón used to be
Pablo Escobar's personal chef.
FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Got in a Cajun blood feud with Paul
Prudhomme too. My neck still hurts.
Prudhomme sits at a fire. With an evil laugh, he tosses a
pinch of cayenne seasoning into the flames with a poof of
green smoke and stabs a skewer through a Guidry voodoo doll.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And I can never forget my saké-
fueled knife fight with Marty Yan.
Martin Yan and Guidry are tied at the wrists, dancing with
switchblades like Michael Jackson's BEAT IT video. Martin
takes a swipe at Guidry and grins as his blade draws blood.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Never play dice with the Yakuza.
END FLASHBACK
Guidry lifts a hand. A thin scar encircles his pinky.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
The doctor was able to reattach it.
Nothing frightens me anymore. I'll
never go back to that, but I need
your help. Cable TV is no place for
the weak or infirm, gentlemen.
(to Mike)
Hey Short Round, where's my change?
MICHAEL
There was no change.
And what's venti?
GUIDRY
Venti is Italian for 20.
(disbelief)
What do you mean no change? I'm an
American. I pay my taxes, mostly. I
vote, once in a while. I want
change, dammit. I demand change!
RODNEY
7 coffees cost more than you gave
us. You owe Mike 2 dollars.
MICHAEL
I want my 2 dollars.
GUIDRY
What a ripoff. They'll be shut down
next week. Free market won't allow
it--
FJ takes the tray holding the remaining 3 coffees.
FJ LEWIS
C'mon, let's go meet your costars.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Tensions Outside the Café
EXT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - MOMENTS LATER
Things aren't going well with the Native American staff.
FJ LEWIS
I mean, we just got here--
Owner JANET and waitress MAGGIE sip their coffees. Hulking
cook RAPHAEL sniffs his brew, dumps it into a planter.
RAPHAEL
I ordered a frappuccino. Where's my
fucking frappuccino?
FJ LEWIS
Give him another chance.
He didn't mean anything by it.
JANET
Sure sounded like he meant it.
The producer pleads his case, hands on hips:
FJ LEWIS
He's been under a lot of pressure
with this pilot. We've just filmed
at 4 locations in 9 days.
MAGGIE
Always some white guy who says it.
JANET
Why do people feel like they can
just say anything they want these
days, no matter who it hurts?
FJ LEWIS
I'm not excusing it, it was an
insensitive thing to say.
RAPHAEL
Alright, but if he says it again...
FJ LEWIS
He won't. I've already talked to
him. Guidry's not a bad guy, he's--
JANET
Racist?
FJ LEWIS
No. Not exactly. He's--
MAGGIE
Stupid?
FJ LEWIS
Getting warmer. He's--
RAPHAEL
Racist?
FJ LEWIS
She said that already. I was gonna
say Old School. Like an iconoclast.
MAGGIE
He's not an iconoclast. Kevin
Costner is an iconoclast.
JANET
For sure.
RAPHAEL
No doubt.
FJ LEWIS
Look, he promised that he won't say
anything like that again, OK?
The group crosses the street, over to the sidewalk and
toward the waiting crew. The assembled Native food workers
stare dubiously at FJ.
RAPHAEL
Sorry, but I don't believe him.
FJ LEWIS
Why not?
RAPHAEL
Keeping promises to Native
Americans has never really been
white people's thing.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Cultural Missteps and Kitchen Chaos
INT. CROW FLIES CAFE - MOMENTS LATER
GUIDRY
Personally, I've ALWAYS been
fascinated by Native American
culture. Sweat lodges, peace pipes,
peyote. Matter of fact, FJ has a
dreamcatcher hanging from his
rearview mirror right now!
The café staff cringe and shake their heads in despair with
eyerolls that are almost physically palpable.
RAPHAEL
Why do they always mention peyote?
What is it with that? Every single
day, I got white guys in ponytails
asking me to get them peyote.
FJ LEWIS
Okay gang, let's get everybody in
the kitchen so we can get this baby
shot before midnight?
JANET
We close at 9:00.
FJ LEWIS
I know, so let's shake a leg.
What am I paying you for?
MAGGIE & RAPHAEL & JANET
(in unison)
You're not paying us.
FJ LEWIS
It's a figure of speech. Besides,
you guys are getting tons of free
advertising. You can't buy that.
JANET
Yes you can.
MAGGIE
Yeah, it's called advertising.
The staff puts on matching teal TEAM TATONKA bowling shirts
and head into the kitchen to prepare for the taping.
RAPHAEL
Why am I supposed to shake my leg?
MAGGIE
I think he was being rhetorical.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Culinary Conflicts and Comedic Confusion
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Guidry is filmed as he interviews the café staff.
GUIDRY
So, you're saying that all of your
ingredients are organic, locally-
sourced, gluten and hormone-free,
high in fiber, and totally devoid
of corn syrup or processed sugar,
flour, or salt?
JANET
Right you are, Guidry. Some of our
recipes date back to the 1600s.
GUIDRY
That's incredible. It's cultural
history on a plate. You can taste
the authenticity. This right here
is the original flavor of Montana.
Guidry redirects to Maggie.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
What else can you tell us about
these local delicacies we're about
to enjoy? How would your ancestors
have prepared and seasoned them?
MAGGIE
Well Guidry, I'm glad you asked.
The ingredients you're about to
taste have been part of Native
American cooking since long before
colonizers like Columbus arrived
and enslaved the Taino people.
GUIDRY
Colonizer? Christopher Columbus is
an American hero and Italian icon.
FJ LEWIS
Alright, cut! Take 5, everyone.
RODNEY
Good, I gotta take a leak.
MICHAEL
I need to wash my hands.
Rodney picks up a plate of food from the previous segment.
RODNEY
Wow, what is this stuff again?
RAPHAEL
Wild boar bacon jam.
GUIDRY
Can I get the recipe for this
stuff? I'll put it in my soon-to-be
best selling cookbook
FJ LEWIS
A Cookbook? Sell it on Amazon.com.
GUIDRY
Amazon? Are you serious? Save your
money. They'll never make a profit.
RAPHAEL
I do all my dark bidding on eBay.
GUIDRY
What kind of pathetic shut-in would
just buy every single thing online?
RAPHAEL
Me. Each month I get shipments of
peppers and cactus from Mexico.
GUIDRY
A certain special type of cactus?
RAPHAEL
I use it in my cooking, genius.
GUIDRY
Before we finish here, there's
something I need to ask you.
RAPHAEL
There it is: Every. Single. Time.
FJ LEWIS
Only a few more segments left, Gid.
You ready to eat some beaver?
Mike and Rodney return from the restroom.
RODNEY
Hey, your tap water's flammable.
JANET
Yeah, it's been like that since the
Halliburton people showed up.
FJ LEWIS
You guys are back? Good, let's pick
it up with the buffalo chicken dip.
RAPHAEL
Which one?
FJ LEWIS
Which one?
MAGGIE
The Buffalo dip or the Chicken dip?
RAPHAEL
We have both. We serve them with
organic chips made from Aspen bark.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Cynicism and Camaraderie at the Café
EXT. - FRONT OF THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATER
Outside the café, Guidry chats with Raphael and Maggie on
their smoke break. They are soon joined by Mike and Rodney.
GUIDRY
So, that was the last time I ever
made Ayahuasca at home.
(to Mike and Rodney)
Are you 2 here simply to bask in
the shadow of my magnificence, or
did Hollywood send you?
MICHAEL
We wanted to ask Chef a question.
RAPHAEL
And there it is.
MAGGIE
You knew it was coming.
RAPHAEL
Never fails. Just when I thought I
was out, they pulled me back in.
GUIDRY
Now THAT'S a great film! Hell of a
performance from Pacino.
Guidry lights a joint as Maggie and Raphael rise to leave.
MAGGIE
Meh, he's no Kevin Costner.
RAPHAEL
You can say that again.
The producer emerges to corral his crew.
FJ LEWIS
I need you to stage the next shot
and give me some levels, got it?
The young men nod in agreement and re-enter the café.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
That last scene was great. I'm
really pleased. This show could be
something special.
GUIDRY
It's not exactly 60 Minutes, but we
ARE the 6th-most hotly anticipated
food slash travel program according
to this month's George Magazine.
FJ LEWIS
I'm proud of what we've done. This
show is cultural diplomacy. It can
be about so much more than food.
GUIDRY
No it can't. Look Hollywood, we're
simply carrying out the network's
Prime Directive: Selling ad space
by pandering tolerance to a mostly-
white audience, aged 35 to 64.
CUT TO:
A middle-aged couple siting on their couch, watching TV.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We tell suburbia how much of a
Global Citizen they are, so they
feel better about themselves. It's
just pandering with Ethnic food.
The anonymous couple speaks Guidry's words.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(husband)
Hey honey. Guidry's eating
something called samosas.
(wife)
I don't know, Indian food sounds
scary, but he's eating it.
(husband)
We should try some.
Cut to husband sitting on a toilet, grimacing.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(husband)
But not the vindaloo.
It gives me the shits.
END SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Each week, viewers can pretend to
embrace minorities without ever
having to leave the house or eat
the food. That's where I come in.
FJ LEWIS
See, that's your problem:
You're too cynical, no offense.
GUIDRY
None taken. I think.
FJ LEWIS
I love that everywhere we've gone,
we've met people who, against the
odds, were somehow able to start a
business and succeed. Now they're
living the American Dream.
GUIDRY
Nice story, tell it to Reader's
Digest. We're here to entertain.
FJ LEWIS
But we can do better than that.
Be more honest than that.
GUIDRY
What do you have in mind? Is it
gonna get me fired again?
FJ LEWIS
Anything goes as long as it doesn't
make the sponsors uncomfortable.
Notice how we only interview folks
who speak English? It's like, we
can't offend certain viewers.
GUIDRY
The viewers? No one gives a shit
about the viewers! I'm telling ya--
Guidry taps his hand like a standup comic's microphone:
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Hello, is this thing on? No one
gives a shit about the viewers,
it's all about the Benjamins.
FJ LEWIS
We're documenting the bubbling of
the Great American Melting Pot. I
mean, what's not to like?
GUIDRY
I get it, you want to make art. The
network doesn't care. It's all
about ratings and TiVo numbers. I
hate to say it but we're not even
playing the same game, kid.
FJ LEWIS
1st: I'm not playing. 2nd: I'm not
a kid. And 3rd: This isn't a game
to me. I take this job seriously
and I want to tell these people's
stories honestly, with dignity. I
know you don't care, it's just a
paycheck to you.
GUIDRY
I do care. I've seen your work. The
stuff you did for Regis and Kathie
Lee was fantastic. I told CHEF*TV I
wouldn't do this gig without you.
Pulled strings to get you here.
FJ LEWIS
I got where I'm at because of my
own hard work and integrity.
GUIDRY
I know. You earned the right to go
anywhere, take any job you wanted.
You chose this one, and I'm lucky
to have you. I took a bit less so
we could pay you what you're worth.
I gotta tell you, it wasn't easy to
steal you away from CBS. Gelman
didn't give up without a fight.
He extends a hand to dap his producer.
FJ LEWIS
Oh yeah? My agent did say you guys
were relentless. Thanks for the
raise, by the way.
Guidry does the 'cut off thumb' illusion. He re-attaches his
thumb and holds out an open hand in friendship.
GUIDRY
Thanks for sticking it out. I
couldn't do this without you. Truth
is, this may be my last chance to
make some quality television. I
won't let you down.
FJ LEWIS accepts the handshake.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, then. We've got 4 segments
left to shoot, then it's a wrap. I
know you're anxious to start your
vacation. Where ya going?
GUIDRY
An old college buddy is gonna come
pick me up when we're done. He's
got this stupid gun he's been
wanting to show me. Says it can
shoot through an engine block, so I
guess we're gonna go shoot stuff.
FJ LEWIS
How do you say I have a tiny penis
without saying I have a tiny penis?
GUIDRY
God bless the Second Amendment.
FJ LEWIS
Be careful. All I'm saying is: a
man's got to know his limitations.
Let's finish fucking this chicken
and get out of here, OK Cochise?
GUIDRY
--Cochise?
FJ LEWIS
Then you and your buddy can go
Rambo on Bambi for all I care.
GUIDRY
I'm gonna tell them you said that,
and I don't remember seeing any
'chicken fucking' in the script.
FJ LEWIS
Get your white meat back in there.
GUIDRY
Whatever you say, Colonel Sanders.
Relishing the lighthearted banter of friendship, the men
stop to share a moment of silence and mutual respect before
laughing and re-entering the café to resume shooting.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Café Chaos: A High-Stakes Break
EXT. - ALLEY BEHIND THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATER
During another break between segments, FJ opens the screen
door to find the crew hanging out in the alley.
FJ LEWIS
Alright fellas, last segment. Then
we can knock out the closing
monologue. Where's Guidry?
RODNEY
I dunno.
MICHAEL
It wasn't our turn to babysit him.
FJ LEWIS
Yes it was! I specifically told you
guys don't let him out of your
sight so I could make a phone call.
RODNEY
Where do you think he is?
Michael jerks a thumb towards the shabby dressing trailer,
making the 'glug glug' hand motion to denote heavy drinking.
INT. - CHEF*TV TALENT TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER
A well-worn VHS copy of Goodfellas plays on a janky portable
TV/VCR combo unit. Gid swigs whiskey and recites lines from
the film currently holding him captivated.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, I know you think they're
overly sensitive. You don't have to
agree with them. We're so close.
Just keep your mouth shut and play
along until we can put this in the
can and get out of here.
GUIDRY
Keep my mouth shut? Have we met?
I'm not gonna take it. No, I ain't
gonna take it. Not this Patriot.
I'm entitled to my opinion.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
This is still the United States of
goddamn America, isn't it? I
believe we have a little something
called freedom of speech around
here if I'm not mistaken!
Onscreen, Stacks puts his shoes on for the last time and
Tommy takes his java to go.
FJ LEWIS
The cook threatened to knock your
teeth out if you said it again.
GUIDRY
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me?
Look, I'm as reasonable as the next
guy, but this is censorship!
Angrily shutting off the masterpiece, Guidry stands to
assume full pontificating posture.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I don't care what you say, Dances
with Wolves did NOT deserve to win
Best Picture. Goodfellas was
clearly the superior film. That is
a stone cold fact, and facts don't
care about your feelings, sir!
FJ LEWIS
That makes absolutely no sense.
GUIDRY
That movie taught me everything I
know about show business. Marty got
robbed, plain and simple. Oh, that
reminds me. Do you have any weed?
FJ is taken off guard by the conversation's abrupt turn.
FJ LEWIS
No, and I'm not kidding, so please
shut up about DANCES WITH WOLVES
versus GOODFELLAS. Those people are
a little, y'know, FUNNY about that.
The gentle ribbing does not go over well.
GUIDRY
What do you mean, 'those people'?
FJ LEWIS
Guidry no, You got it all wrong.
GUIDRY
FUNNY? You're talking about people
in there who have absolutely no
taste in either food OR cinema.
FJ LEWIS
I wonder about you Guidry.
GUIDRY
The people in that café are NOT
funny. No, those people in there
are fascists, and we can all agree
that the United States of America
is no place for fascists! After
all, isn't fascism an indictment of
our entire American society?
FJ LEWIS
American society gave black people
the Klan, Jim Crow and Syphilis.
GUIDRY
(oblivious)
Well, they can do whatever they
want to you, but I for one am not
going to stand here and listen to
those people badmouth the United
States of America--
FJ LEWIS
You're not even listening, are you?
Guidry opens a cigarette case and lights a joint.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Hey, take it easy. I only know one
other person who smokes like that.
GUIDRY
In this line of work, getting baked
is a necessity. Munchies are the
only way I can eat the wretched
refuse they've been putting in
front of me for the last 20 years.
FJ LEWIS
Makes sense, I guess.
GUIDRY
The dirty little secret in the food
show biz is that almost every host
is totally shitfaced all the time.
You ever seen that 3 Stooges
looking guy from Minnesota?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A TV crew is setting up to film in a Mexican kitchen when
Andrew Zimmern walks onto the set.
FJ LEWIS (V.O.)
Is he the guy who ate fermented
armadillo embryos?
Zimmern is handed a tray of cherry-topped dessert cups with
scaly tails poking out of the whipped cream.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
That's Andy. He used to go out
drinking with me and Alton. I could
tell you some stories. Anyway, do
you know how they got him to do
that armadillo bit on film?
(pause)
DRUGS.
Offscreen hand shoves a handful of mushrooms into Zimmern's
mouth. His eyes become wide as saucers. He grabs one of the
cups and starts scarfing down the contents. He finishes by
pulling a tiny armadillo skeleton from his mouth.
END FLASHBACK
FJ LEWIS
Drugs?
GUIDRY
Sure, I thought you'd never ask.
Guidry smokes his joint and offers it to FJ, who declines.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Back to what I was saying. Where
was I? Oh yeah. DRUGS. Look, if
you're bothered watching your
favorite TV host use copious
amounts of drugs, do me a favor--
FJ LEWIS
What's that?
GUIDRY
When you go back home, take all
your Crock Pots, all your Salad
Shooters and all your Foreman
Grills and burn them.
FJ LEWIS
Burn them?
GUIDRY
Yes, burn them. Cause y'know what?
The food show hosts that made all
those hours of programming through
the years? REAL fucking high on
drugs. Every single one of them.
Like REALLY high. Including me.
FJ LEWIS
I kinda figured that one out.
GUIDRY
Except for Nigella Lawson. She does
some weird shit with goat placenta,
adrenochrome and menstrual blood.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A casket opens and Nigella emerges looking like Elvira. She
raises a hand mirror to apply lipstick, and the reflection
shows only her wig, the dress and the lipstick.
Nigella climbs into a bathtub. Hanging over it upside down
is a bound chef. She swings a scythe, causing blood to spill
into the tub as she bathes and sips the blood with a straw.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Did you know she's 85 years old?
FJ LEWIS
She looks great.
GUIDRY
Her plastic surgeon is dynamite.
You don't have any coke, do you?
FJ LEWIS
What? No. Why would I have coke?
GUIDRY
I don't know, you live in
Hollywood, right?
FJ LEWIS
I live in Reseda, man. There's a
freeway running through my yard.
Shrugging, Guidry produces a small baggy.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Wait? What is that? Is that coke?
GUIDRY
Want some?
FJ LEWIS
Wait. You already HAD cocaine?
GUIDRY
I have SOME cocaine, but here's my
problem. I want MORE cocaine. See
how that works?
FJ LEWIS
Thanks for clearing that up.
Guidry rolls up a dollar bill, inserts it into the baggie
and takes a toot. Chasing his bump, he takes a swig from the
bottle of bourbon and offers the bill to his producer.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Holy shit. I can't fucking believe
you, man. You're a train wreck.
GUIDRY
What? C'mon, ya want some or not?
FJ LEWIS
No.
GUIDRY
Oh, yeah. Nosedive!
FJ LEWIS
No, no, no.
GUIDRY
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
FJ LEWIS
No, no. No, Gid, no. Maybe--
Sensing victory, Guidry offers the rolled up bill.
GUIDRY
Go for broke.
FJ LEWIS
OK. Just a taste.
GUIDRY
Good thinking, man.
FJ LEWIS does a moderate toot from the baggie. His face is
stricken, eyes wide and blinking as he wipes at his nose.
Guidry hands him the bottle of Old Crow.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It's a little harsh. Here.
Cannonball! Cannonball comin'
FJ takes a swig and immediately regrets it, swallowing half
and choking on the other as the liquid burns his throat.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Pretty good, right? You can't get
this stuff out in Hollywood.
FJ LEWIS
(coughing)
Wow, yeah. That's some good shit.
GUIDRY
Almost completely uncut. My
stockbroker Bernie gets it for me
special, straight from Panama.
Fucking Plutonium Nyborg, man.
FJ LEWIS
I think I can actually feel the
Earth vibrating.
GUIDRY
(enraptured)
Seven point eight three Hertz.
The pair exit the trailer, sniffing and pinching their noses
as they walk to the café's back door.
FJ LEWIS
That reminds me, you gotta give me
his number. The returns that guy's
getting are ridiculous. I wanna get
in before the market tanks again.
GUIDRY
I'm telling ya, the guy's a genius.
You can't lose, it's like stealing!
I can't figure out how he does it.
FJ LEWIS
He can have my 401k, hell he can
have my kid's college fund if he's
as good as you say he is.
GUIDRY
Insider tip: Load up on Enron, that
baby's about to go nucular.
FJ LEWIS
Nuclear.
GUIDRY
That's what I said. Mark my words,
your portfolio will thank me.
FJ LEWIS
We'll see, Gordon Gekko. Let's go.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
Culinary Challenge Chaos
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The would-be star of America's Cultural Cuisine stands in
front of the bathroom mirror, geeked out of his mind.
GUIDRY
Never thought I'd say this, but I
think I did too much blow. My
throat is completely closed up.
Sorry Hollywood, but I don't think
I'll be able to swallow anything.
FJ LEWIS
Bullshit. Quit playing and let's
get this knocked out, Gid. All we
got left is the elk pemmican with
demi glace and chickweed. C'mon,
you can do this.
GUIDRY
You don't understand. I've been
served this dish once before in
Colorado, at a VIP Super Bowl
party. I still have nightmares.
FJ LEWIS
All right. You've had it before.
So, what's the big deal?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Guidry is at a banquet in a tuxedo with plate of food in
front of him. He takes a bite and turns green in the face.
His cheeks swell and he and pukes like a fire hydrant.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
I projectile vomited on John Elway.
We pull back to reveal a furious John Elway covered in barf.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'm banned from Denver to this day.
Guidry stands at an airport, suitcase in hand. A stern
airline employee shakes her head and points to the exit.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It's the one dish I can't eat.
FJ LEWIS
We're in the home stretch, don't
bail out on me now. You can do it,
you just need to psych yourself up.
Remember, it's mind over matter. If
you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
GUIDRY
Gee thanks, Vince Lombardi.
(to self in mirror)
You're a professional. You've faced
more daunting challenges in your
career. It's just stinky dried elk
smeared with bullshit berries and a
sprig of wild bullshit. Chickweed?
Who's afraid of that? Those are 2
of my favorite things.
(deep breath)
I said I'd do whatever it takes.
C'mon Hollywood, let's go finger
this avocado.
FJ LEWIS
I told you already, it's Reseda.
Wait. 'Finger this avocado'? That's
not, uh, really a thing. That we
say. In television. Ever. I mean,
what does that even mean?
GUIDRY
Don't tell me, Padawan. I heard
Julia Child say it once. You know
who Dame Julia Child is, don't you?
FJ LEWIS
Of course I know who Julia Child
is. I'm a producer for CHEF*TV.
GUIDRY
Well, I was there and I heard her
say it with my own ears, so I'm
gonna stick with that.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Julia stands in her TV kitchen. She splashes a sauté pan
with cooking sherry before taking a pull from the bottle.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Course she was drunk at the time
but the point is I heard her say
it. What a gal. An icon, really.
Julia walks off set, lights a cigarette and removes her
sweater, revealing a voluptuous figure. She alternates puffs
of her smoke and pulls from the sherry bottle.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You can't tell on TV, but Julie has
boobs that just won't quit. I know
this for a fact: They're real, and
they're spectacular. She was quite
a free spirit back in the day.
In a 60's Soho discotheque, mod Julia dances with wild
abandon, waving her arms to the groovy psychedelic rhythm.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And what a freak in the sack. A
total swinger. Groups, S&M, You
name it. She slept with everyone in
the studio at one time or another.
Directors, cameramen, parking lot
attendants, she took on all comers.
Julia and Guidry emerge from under a blanket. In the bed is
a man in a director's cap with a megaphone, a woman holding
a makeup brush, and a man with a boom mike. A donkey wanders
around the room smoking a cigarette.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Good times. I should give the old
girl a call, she gets the best
Quaaludes. One time, we partied
with the ACTUAL Chef Boyardee.
FJ LEWIS
Here we go--
GUIDRY
So, we're on a 3 day drinking
binge, covered head to toe in
pesto, and we're just going at it.
FJ LEWIS
We don't have time for this.
GUIDRY
Now, just as Beef-a-roni boy is
about to come, Jules grabs this
turkey baster, yells 'Here's your
spicy meatball' and jams it--
FJ LEWIS
That's great. Whatever. You can
finish your story later. Come on,
my buzz is wearing off and we need
to get this done before they close.
GUIDRY
Piece of cake. Don't forget who
you're working with, junior.
FJ LEWIS
One take Guidry?
GUIDRY
Your. God. Damned. Right.
FJ LEWIS
OK one take, let's go finger that
avocado. Don't call me Junior, my
name is Frank. And for the record,
you're only 12 years older than me.
The men toss away paper towels and prepare to leave. Guidry
opens the door, looking back as he exits:
GUIDRY
So your birth name is Francis?
FJ LEWIS
Don't call me Francis, either.
Great coke, by the way.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
Cultural Clashes at the Crow Flies Café
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - MOMENTS LATER
FJ LEWIS
Alright Gid, you're doing great!
We're almost done. I need you to
wrap up the pine-nut clusters bit
and then finish with the closing
monologue, OK? And---ACTION!
GUIDRY
These nuts are delicious, and such
a bargain at only a buck apiece! I
know I'd buy THAT for a dollar.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
(concluding)
I'd like to thank the fine folks at
the Crow Flies Café for welcoming
me to Montana and filling my belly
with the traditional foods of the
Native People. More importantly, I
want to thank them for filling my
heart with their generous spirit.
The 3 café workers roll their eyes in unison.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I had a wonderful time meeting the
staff and they couldn't have been
nicer. They welcomed me into their
lives and their workplace like I
was one of their own.
RAPHAEL
No we didn't.
GUIDRY
They'll always be family to me.
JANET
Not really. Not at all.
GUIDRY
You could say that makes me--
RAPHAEL
Don't say it.
GUIDRY
An official member of the tribe!
MAGGIE
For the love of God, here we go
again with the stereotypes.
GUIDRY
Or at least an honorary member.
JANET
Good Heavens no.
RAPHAEL
Jesus, Joseph and Mary--
GUIDRY
Well then, a trusted friend and
ally of the Native Peoples?
MAGGIE
Your ancestors committed genocide
against my ancestors.
RAPHAEL
Don't think we forgot about that.
GUIDRY
A beloved visitor?
JANET
(crosses herself)
May God have mercy on your soul.
The producer leans over to Rodney FJ LEWIS We'll fix it in
post.
GUIDRY
With so many unique ingredients and
unforgettable dishes to choose
from, I couldn't tell you which one
was my favorite. Don't ask me to
choose, they were all delicious.
Honestly, if I had a gun to my
head, I physically COULD NOT take
another bite, let alone swallow it.
Really, I just couldn't.
Guidry moves around the counter to close the show.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
So as we leave Montana for parts
unknown, I'd like to thank you for
joining us, and hope that you and
your tribe will join us next time.
(pivots)
You know, there's an awful lot you
can tell about a people by their
food. Our beautiful country is a
tasty place. If you don't stop and
take a bite once in awhile, you
could miss one of the fifty
wonderful flavors that make the
United States of America the
greatest world in the history of
the country.
The Native Americans smirk. Raffi coughs into his hand.
RAPHAEL
(coughing)
Bullshit!
GUIDRY
(quietly)
Hey, shut up Geronimo.
RAPHAEL
Fuck you, John Dunbar.
FJ LEWIS
We'll fix it in post.
Snatching a tiny pint-sized Old Glory from one of the
booths, the host freelances, turning inspirational and
offering a bit of homespun wisdom.
GUIDRY
My fellow Americans, when the going
gets tough and reality bites: Well,
no matter the circumstances, no
matter the odds, you've got to pull
yourself up by your bootstraps,
dust yourself off, bust out that
elbow grease and bite back!
He bends to scratch a scruffy mutt that has somehow wandered
onto the set. As contact is made, the little dog suddenly
has a go at him and Guidry is nearly nipped.
FJ LEWIS
(rolling his finger)
Don't worry, keep going.
Shaking it off, Guidry rises to deliver the coup de grâce
and stick the landing.
GUIDRY
So, come with me again next week,
as we head off the beaten track to
sample: America's Cultural Cuisine.
FJ LEWIS
Cut! Great job everyone! You killed
it, 2 Take.
GUIDRY
What did you call me?
MICHAEL
(softly)
We know, we'll fix it in post.
RODNEY
(stifling laughter)
Alright, let's get the plate in
here and get this over with.
GUIDRY
Are you really gonna make me do
this? C'mon, I ate the acorn mush.
Smiled as I did it. The Moose
tallow? Sucked it right down. Can't
we just use a body double?
FJ LEWIS
You don't have a body double.
Guidry grabs Mike by the shoulders and brings him into shot.
GUIDRY
Sure I do. You'll eat that elk,
won't you? Take one for the team.
MICHAEL
I'd rather eat a moccasin.
He turns to the Native American crew.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Sorry, you guys. No offense--
JANET
None taken.
MAGGIE
It's all good.
RAPHAEL
Yeah, it's cool.
GUIDRY
Wait a minute, Shitting Bull! You
got creased at me, but you let THAT
go, just because he's Chinese?
MICHAEL
I'm Laotian, actually.
GUIDRY
Close enough.
MAGGIE
Laos is actually in between
Thailand and Vietnam.
RAPHAEL
I've always wanted to go there.
MAGGIE
I took a geography course at the
community college last semester.
FJ LEWIS
Guidry, can I see you for minute?
RODNEY
Yeah, he wants to have a pow-wow.
Mike and all 3 staff members silently scowl at Rodney.
Raphael picks up his cleaver.
RAPHAEL
What did you say, white boy?
MICHAEL
(to Rodney)
Not cool, bro. I didn't get to ask
him about the peyote yet.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
Negotiations in the Bathroom
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
FJ tries to convince Guidry to eat the elk pemmican, the
last necessary scene of the shoot.
FJ LEWIS
Give me the weed back.
GUIDRY
What? Why? No!
FJ LEWIS
It's mine. I paid for it.
GUIDRY
But you gave it to me.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, and I'm taking it back. Come
on, cough it up.
GUIDRY
Why should I?
FJ LEWIS
Because you needed something and I
gave it to you. But when I asked
you for something--
GUIDRY
Oh, I see where you're going here.
FJ LEWIS
You couldn't be bothered. I went
out of my way to--
GUIDRY
So, what is this? Some kinda quid
pro quo thing happening here?
FJ LEWIS
You don't know what quid pro quo
means, do you?
GUIDRY
No, but I heard Emeril Lagasse say
it while he was tripping balls, so
I'm gonna go with that.
FJ LEWIS
Fair enough. I want to hear the
rest of that story later on.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (V.O.)
It was during an orgy at that
festival where everybody throws
tomatoes at each other and mashes
them on their naked bodies.
Boxes of tomatoes line a cobblestone street. Covered in red
stains, Guidry mashes a tomato onto Emeril's noggin. Emeril
splats one into Guidry's face.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We ended up covered in olive oil.
Guidry and Emeril's eyes lock. Romantic music swells as the
duo get very close, in anticipation of a kiss.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I should probably leave it there
out of respect.
FJ LEWIS
Was this in Italy?
GUIDRY
A Motel 6 somewhere in Tampa.
FJ digs in his Guidry's jacket pocket and takes his stash,
including the cocaine. Tucking the weed in his jeans pocket,
he holds the powder over the toilet.
FJ LEWIS
You gonna eat the elk?
GUIDRY
I'd rather die first.
FJ LEWIS
I can arrange that.
GUIDRY
Very funny, Han Solo Cup. Give it.
FJ LEWIS
Not until you agree to finish your
last contractually obligated shot.
GUIDRY
How many bites of that Apache Air
Jordan am I contractually obligated
to take?
FJ LEWIS
Just one.
GUIDRY
Fine. How many times do I have to
chew that fucking piece of
Necronomicon?
FJ LEWIS
I don't know. It is our featured
dish. We'll want to highlight it.
GUIDRY
Don't fuck with me Hollywood.
Guidry steps to the urinal, pissing loudly.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
HOW. MANY. CHEWS.
FJ LEWIS
Stop calling me Hollywood. 50.
GUIDRY
50? Try 20. Gimme my coke numbnuts.
FJ LEWIS
Nope. 1 bite, 50 chews. That's the
deal. Take it or leave it.
GUIDRY
Well I ain't giving you no 50 chews
for no coke.
FJ LEWIS
Oh then you ain't getting no coke.
Know what I'm talking about?
FJ opens Guidry's baggie and prepares to dump and flush.
Guidry's resolve is weak:
GUIDRY
Wait! What if I give you 2 bites
and 20 chews for each?
FJ LEWIS
That'll work, One Take.
He reseals Guidry's baggie and tosses it to him.
GUIDRY
You drive a hard bargain, sir.
FJ LEWIS
That's Hollywood for you. Or in my
case, Reseda.
GUIDRY
Hey, Reseda?
FJ LEWIS
What? Our negotiations have
concluded. See you at the table.
Nice doing business with you chump!
Guidry flushes, turns as he zips and puts his hand out.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
You want me to shake your hand? Are
you joking? You were just touching
your dick.
GUIDRY
It's a custom that once a business
deal's concluded that the 2 parties
shake hands. It implies good faith.
FJ LEWIS
I'm not familiar with that custom.
GUIDRY
C'mon Ahab: kybo mein doobage. I
got shit to do.
FJ LEWIS
To think where that hand has been.
Frank hands the pot to Guidry. He tucks it away and smirks.
GUIDRY
Y'know, there's a word for someone
who gives you something and then
takes it back for no reason. Do you
know what they call that person?
Raphael's imposing frame enters the cramped restroom to pee.
FJ LEWIS
Nah, man. No idea. What DO you call
someone who gives you something and
then takes it back for no reason?
The big man glances over at Guidry, awaiting his reply.
GUIDRY
Never mind.
RAPHAEL
Asshole.
GUIDRY
What? I didn't say anything.
RAPHAEL
No. The answer to the question is
asshole. I had a friend who gave me
a bike once. 2 days later he took
it back. He was an asshole.
FJ LEWIS
Enjoy your elk, HOT Take.
GUIDRY
Thanks, asshole. Ok, how about
this? When you're at a sporting
event and you need a ticket, who do
you look for?
RAPHAEL
Gary.
GUIDRY
Gary?
FJ LEWIS
Who's Gary?
RAPHAEL
Gary's my brother-in-law.
FJ LEWIS
The one who shit himself?
RAPHAEL
No, not that one. A different one.
He saw the Great Spirit once, too.
But he lies a lot, so, you never
know. Besides, scalping was mostly
a European practice going back
centuries. We said 'fuck you' and
did it back to them, but then they
turned around and blamed it all on
us. So, call my brother-in-law
Gary. He works at the stadium. He
can get you tickets. He gets an
employee discount. We all root
AGAINST the home team here anyways.
GUIDRY
Makes sense to me. Fuck the
Cowboys.
RAPHAEL
Sometimes we'll go to the stadium
and use our tickets just to boo.
FJ LEWIS
I thought they only did that in
Philly.
RAPHAEL
And don't get me started with that
Washington football team.
GUIDRY
Y'know haystack, I like your style.
RAPHAEL
I know you have to leave Helena,
but it isn't all bad, is it?
GUIDRY
Not even half bad. I think I've
really quite enjoyed it.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) (to Frank)
Hey Hollywood, I mean, Reseda: One more question?
FJ LEWIS
What's that?
GUIDRY
Spit or swallow?
PRODUCER
Excuse me?
GUIDRY
You heard me Spider, you fucking
rat. SPIT. OR. SWALLOW?
RAPHAEL
Are you giving or receiving?
FJ LEWIS
Huh?
RAPHAEL
Swallow.
GUIDRY
No thank you.
RAPHAEL
I wasn't offering.
GUIDRY
So? Just your opinion?
RAPHAEL
I thought you were asking which
he'd prefer--
FJ LEWIS
(laughing)
DAMN! That kind of burn's gonna
require a series of skin grafts.
(to Raphael)
My man.
He daps up RAPHAEL, continuing:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
Spit or Swallow is a food show
thing. The host doesn't swallow
everything you see them eating.
(MORE)
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) Honestly they
couldn't, because they would get
fat and sick, and Americans in
general would rather not see those
people. So, most of the time the
hosts spit it out and give the
leftovers to the crew.
GUIDRY
What do you mean, 'those people'?
FJ LEWIS
Not now, asshole. We used to give
the extra food to the homeless, but
the last time we did the cops gave
us a ticket, so the network won't
let us do that any more.
RAPHAEL
We feed our leftovers to the dog.
GUIDRY
Yeah, well your dog almost bit me.
RAPHAEL
It's not my dog.
FJ LEWIS
These shows waste so much food, if
I'm honest. It's OK, though. The
crew appreciates it, and they
deserve it.
GUIDRY
Well, just keep Cujo out there on a
leash before he becomes Old Yeller.
FJ LEWIS
As unpaid interns, it's a nice
benefit. I mean perk, since they
don't get benefits, either. They
get great exposure, so that makes
up for not getting paid. It's
totally worth it. Anyway--
The huge man dries his hands and turns to Guidry.
RAPHAEL
Want to grab a beer and talk
football after we're done?
GUIDRY
Thank you, no. I'm straight.
RAPHAEL
What is it you're afraid of? Scared
of catching 'The Gay'? It's the
year 2000, I thought America was
past all that nonsense.
FJ LEWIS
Y'know, tasting new things DOES
kinda come with the territory--
GUIDRY
Stay out of this, Hollywood.
RAPHAEL
(chuckles)
Suit yourself. Besides, I've seen
you on TV, Chicken Man. Looked to
me like you enjoy getting freaky.
GUIDRY
Hey! I was young and needed the
money, Stands with Fist up Butt.
RAPHAEL
Don't get so defensive, I'm just
messing with you. You're a good-
looking man. Who knows, you might
like it. Bok bok!
FJ LEWIS
You really DO have a pretty mouth.
GUIDRY
If you say another word, you lose a
testicle.
The affable giant laughs and opens the door to leave.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Hey Tonto, wait!
RAPHAEL
What?
GUIDRY
Can you get me some peyote?
RAPHAEL
No. Now go home and get your
fucking shine box.
The door closes. Guidry crosses his arms.
GUIDRY
I can't do it.
FJ LEWIS
It's in your contract.
GUIDRY
We'll get Rodney to do it.
FJ LEWIS
Fat chance. Not after that stunt
you pulled in Albuquerque. You
almost got him shot in the foot.
GUIDRY
I TOLD him to take the left. I
can't help it if he doesn't know
his left from his right. Besides,
so what? He ALMOST got shot in the
foot. But he didn't. What is it, a
big deal? He'll do it. He just
needs the right motivation. We'll
just see what a finski can do for
that guy's attitude.
FJ LEWIS
Doesn't matter. It's gotta be you.
On camera. Eating food. ALL the
food. Or else you don't get paid.
GUIDRY
Alright Frank. I'll do it. For you.
But when we get out of Montana,
remind me to fire my fucking agent.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
The Pemmican Showdown
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The entire production crew is chanting 'GID-REE, GID-REE'.
The host enters the room like a prizefighter, a towel around
his neck. psyching himself up. His opponent is a 4-inch long
plank of dried, extremely cured elk meat. Guidry stares down
at the purple-black obelisk.
GUIDRY
So, my old nemesis. We meet again.
I guess this was inevitable. I'm
afraid the stakes are simply too
high this time, and today, only one
of us is gonna walk away from this
table. Spoiler alert: That will be
me. You will not be so lucky, old
chum. Welcome to your doom, you
vile rectangle of Death.
He puts knife and fork to pemmican. Neither can dent it's
puckered, berry-smeared armor. The fork's tines bend as he
saws away with the knife.
MICHAEL
That dog won't hunt, better get a
chainsaw!
The sound man hands his electrician's shears to Guidry.
RODNEY
Try these bad boys. They can cut
clean through a rhino horn.
FJ LEWIS
What? Rhino horn?
RODNEY
Hey, I have a life outside this job
too, y'know.
Guidry nips off 2 tiny triangles of Woe.
FJ LEWIS
Come on, the camera can barely see
those. Cut some bigger pieces.
GUIDRY
NO. That's it. I'm ready. Let's
finger this avocado.
MICHAEL
Huh?
FJ LEWIS
It's a thing.
RODNEY
No it's not.
GUIDRY
Shut the hell up, all of you! Is
the camera ready?
MICHAEL
Ready when you are.
GUIDRY
Alright then.
(steeling himself)
It begins.
FJ LEWIS
Alright people, this is not a
drill. Everybody ready? And,
ACTION!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
Packing Up and Looking Back
EXT. - FRONT OF THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON
With a picturesque backdrop and long shadows, the crew are
almost finished packing up. The trailer is hooked to the
CHEF*TV van, but Guidry and Rodney are nowhere to be found.
Some minutes later, the host reappears as Mike loads a final
crate and closes the van door.
FJ LEWIS
Hey, I was looking for you, where'd
you get to? Figured you'd be in the
trailer stuffing your nose with
plutonium nyborg by now.
GUIDRY
That's true, but there was a dish
the chef really wanted me to taste.
MICHAEL
(outraged)
Wait, you hated everything! You
kept saying: I'm not gonna try it.
Let's get Mikey! Well Mikey ain't
trying it either, pal.
GUIDRY
That's life, I guess.
FJ LEWIS
Where's Neumann?
GUIDRY
I sent him on an errand.
Rodney arrives holding a briefcase and hands it to Guidry.
RODNEY
There was a call for you inside.
You ride's gonna be a few minutes
late.
GUIDRY
Dammit! Whatever, as long as he
gets here before the ex-wife finds
out where I am. I owe her a few
years of back alimony.
FJ LEWIS
How many is that in TV years?
GUIDRY
Fuck you, State of California. I
only moved there for the weed,
anyway. Dammit, Humboldt County,
why can't I quit you?
FJ LEWIS
You have an ex? Wait, YOU were
married?
GUIDRY
Oh yeah. Drunk in Vegas. One of
those quickie weddings, y'know. Our
publicists kept it out of the
Enquirer.
The host pulls a photo from his wallet and shares it with
the curious crewmembers.
MICHAEL
Schwing! She's a robo-babe! What
say you, Hot Rod?
RODNEY
She's definitely a fine example of
Babia Majora. You were married to
HER? How does THAT happen?
FJ LEWIS
Seriously Gid, she's completely
outta your league, man. Shit, she's
more famous than YOU. Way more!
(ruefully)
Jeez, and after the hours I've
spent holding up her poster with
one hand--
Guidry puts the picture away. Smiling softly to himself, he
reminisces:
GUIDRY
(wistful)
Ah yes, lovely Pamela. What a
woman! Couldn't trust her, though.
She had a fling with Rick Steves
while I was in rehab that second
time. Can't really blame her, she
always had a thing for him.
FJ LEWIS
I still can't believe you were
married, especially to HER. Wait?
Rick Steves? As in: 'Mayonnaise on
White Bread' Rick Steves? Mister
'European Vacation' himself?
GUIDRY
Let me tell you about THAT guy.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
With his back to camera, Rick Steves stands pissing. Covered
in tattoos and wearing a mesh tank top, he smashes an empty
wine bottle to the ground. Pulling back, we see that he is
peeing on the Eiffel Tower.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
What can I say, women love a bad
boy: Onscreen, he's Mister Rogers.
Rick stands giving an interview in a long-sleeved shirt and
sweater.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But let me tell ya: Offscreen, he's
Hunter S. fucking Thompson!
director yells 'cut'! Rick kicks his interview subject out
of frame and rips off the sweater, revealing a Hawaiian
shirt.
Rick puts on a visor and sunglasses before chugging a bottle
of Wild Turkey. In his mouth is a long cigarette holder. He
pulls out a large revolver and uses it to shoot the tip of
his Dunhill, lighting it.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
What an animal!
FJ LEWIS
You know, I think I DID hear that
somewhere.
The producer motions to Guidry:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
What do you have there, Gid?
Guidry pats the briefcase.
GUIDRY
Oh, this? Just a little memento
from Big Sky Country.
FJ LEWIS
Drugs?
GUIDRY
Sure, I thought you'd never ask.
Whatcha got?
FJ LEWIS
Nothing. Like, not even a roach.
You smoked all my weed. Literally
ALL the pot is gone, and I'm from
California, so I brought a LOT of
pot. Of all the people I've worked
with, it's like, you and Willie
Nelson, I swear to God. I salute
you.
GUIDRY
You are doing the Lord's work, my
son. Thank you for your donation.
Give till it hurts, that's what I
say. Whether you know it or not,
you are facilitating the creation
of television history, my good man.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, well, I don't know about
that.
GUIDRY
After all, this program was made
possible in part by charitable
contributions to your friendly
neighborhood TV host from
viewers like you. Thank you!
FJ LEWIS
Your welcome. But I really think
we're just scratching the surface
here, Gid. This show can be about
so much more than food: We've
gotten great B roll and you've
interviewed some really interesting
people. Feels like we're making
quality television here. Just think
how good you could be sober. You've
been nominated for 3 Daytime Emmys
and 2 Golden Globes. I bet you'd
win a few if you just gave up the
drugs!
GUIDRY
I don't know, Reseda. Awards were
never my thing. Besides, I think
drugs have done some great things
for today's cable television food
show hosts. I really mean that.
FJ LEWIS
Accredited medical professionals
worldwide and every single law
enforcement organization in America
would disagree.
GUIDRY
Oh, well, allow me to retort: The
public would be shocked if they
knew the truth.
Michael and Rodney rejoin the others to listen. The circle
of trust now complete, Guidry explains:
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Food shows used to be boring. In
the past, everybody was sober, and
it showed. It was dull chefs doing
dull things in dull kitchens from
dull camera angles. Those shows
were lame, lame, lame and the
ratings reflected that.
FJ and crew nod in agreement.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
But that all changed once the cable
companies started sniffing around
the kitchen. They had new twenty- 4
hour specialty channels that were
starving for content.
FJ LEWIS
Not any more.
MICHAEL
Yeah, everybody's got a food show
these days.
GUIDRY
Well, it turns out that the usual
suspects just couldn't get
audiences excited. Ratings were in
the toilet across the board. They
were so desperate for talent they
even considered hiring Donald
effing Trump.
RODNEY
Wow. That's really desperate.
MICHAEL
What kind of idiot would enjoy
watching that illiterate asshole on
prime-time television?
GUIDRY
I know, right? Ew. Can you imagine?
But that's where I came in. I saw
the handwriting on the wall. The
network advertisers wanted a
different kind of food show host. A
CELEBRITY food show host. They
wanted both sizzle AND steak. I
wanted steak too, and I had sizzle
to burn.
FJ LEWIS
Sizzle?
MICHAEL
I get what he's saying. He had,
like, y'know-- zazz.
RODNEY
Yeah, the network wanted to zazz
things up a little--
FJ LEWIS
Could you 2 please stop saying
zazz?
GUIDRY
(continuing)
So, long story short: they offered
to pay for the steak and we were
off and running. They ordered us to
film a sample program and sent us
out to make an hour of cutting-edge
television. We filmed my first
pilot while I was on 4 hits of LSD.
RODNEY
Awesome! Totally awesome.
MICHAEL
Alright, !
GUIDRY
Not on purpose, my roommate put it
in my coffee as a joke.
(MORE)
GUIDRY (CONT'D) (fondly)
Augie Owsley, what a character! I wonder what ever happened
to that guy?
FJ LEWIS
Holy shit, Dock Ellis.
GUIDRY
No biggie, I used to forget which
day it was all the time back then.
I still can't remember half of the
last season of 'Bite That Weiner'.
RODNEY
The hot dog show! I remember that!
MICHAEL
Me too!
GUIDRY
Every episode was a drunken, drug-
fueled bacchanalia. But it killed
in the ratings. People loved it.
FJ LEWIS
It had that great opening: 'I'm
your host, Guidry Cloche. Every
week, we hit the street to find and
eat that tubular meat you just
can't beat'.
GUIDRY
I was especially proud of our
exposé on the spy ring at Hebrew
National.
FJ LEWIS
You guys got in a lot of trouble
for that, if I remember.
GUIDRY
We all got fired.
MICHAEL
That sucks, I loved that show.
GUIDRY
I learned an important lesson that
day, gentlemen.
FJ LEWIS
Yeah, never piss off the Mossad.
RODNEY
What can I say? We answer to a
higher authority.
GUIDRY
Anyway, a few years back, that lost
pilot got leaked and went viral
with college kids and culinary
school students.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
At the Culinary Institute of America, on a sectional in the
common area, white-jacketed young people sit watching TV.
They point at the screen as Guidry shaves his tongue.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They would snort Ritalin and
Adderall and have viewing parties
where everyone got freaky.
One of the students puts 2 tablets onto the coffee table and
crushes them into powder. With straws to noses, the group
descends like vultures to snort up the pile. The partygoers
lift their heads, and Guidry is among them. He leans back
and lights a joint, buzzed and smiling.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Man, those were the glory days. I
could walk into any Culinary school
in America and they treated me like
a rock star. I even had groupies.
Guidry kisses the cheek of a fan when a perky brunette
interrupts and starts drunkenly making out with him.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And that's how I met Rachael Ray.
END FLASHBACK
FJ LEWIS
You were 'must see' TV back then.
GUIDRY
Then there was that episode of
Entrée Flagranté where I fucked a
rotisserie chicken.
FJ LEWIS
That was you?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Guidry stands in front of a rack of twirling roast chicken,
back turned to the camera. Reaching in, he removes a golden
brown bird carcass.
GUIDRY (V.O.)
Standards and Practices came down
pretty hard on us for that one.
Guidry raises a beer and pops a blue pill. He drunkenly
tosses the empty bottle and unbuttons his trousers.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They knew people would complain, so
they blurred out the good stuff.
As the camera crew films, Guidry carnally pounds away at the
cooked fowl, a black bar covering his eyes as well as the
chicken's. Pixelated blocks cover the action.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Of course, you can't show actual
penetration in America, but Japan
got the full Monty.
A heavyset Japanese couple sits watching TV on their sofa,
looking traumatized, mouths hanging open. The wife points,
as the TV screen shows Guidry lying passed out, covered in
grease. An oven-stuffer roaster remains affixed to his
groin. The couple look at each other, than over to the
dinner table where a cooked chicken sits on a platter.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
I became an overnight sensation on
Yahoo and ratings skyrocketed. Not
to brag, but my work singlehandedly
changed the world of basic cable.
Once I arrived on the scene, the
bar was raised. Soon, every food
show was trying to keep pace.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
A young man stands at the entrance of a restaurant with the
film crew from I'LL EAT THAT! He looks dubiously at a sign
that reads: 72 OUNCE STEAK CHALLENGE.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The networks kept demanding more
extreme content. Some guys needed
convincing, so the network called
in some consultants to help.
The crew throws the reluctant host into a waiting limousine.
Inside is Snoop Dogg holding an enormous joint. The limo
roars off, only to return a second later from the opposite
direction. The door opens and a cloud of smoke billows out.
From the fog emerges newly made over Hood Rat: Adam 'Puffy'
Richman. Eyes red and half-closed, he grins to reveal a gold
'FOODIE MOB' grill. Snoop's limo transforms into a 'Back to
the Future' time machine and disappears.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In the end, hosts were getting
loaded for the camera, forgetting
their lines, passing out on set,
puking up the food they were
sampling, and nodding off in the
middle of their closing segment.
The stoned man waves to the camera as he is escorted to a
table and pushed into a seat. A napkin is tied around his
neck and a cowboy uses a forklift to deliver a Brontosaurus-
sized steak. Adam licks his chops and digs in.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But viewers loved it! Advertisers
were happy, and the money rolled
in. Nothing lasts forever, though.
Hooked up to a beeping heart monitor and looking like Jabba
the Hut, Adam Richman is wheeled in on a dolly. In front of
him is a giant stack of manhole-sized pancakes. He takes a
syrup dripping bite, grasps his chest and keels over to the
sound of a flatlining heart monitor.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
It was a fine line. Most of my
contemporaries were lightweights,
and one even had to have an
adrenaline needle jammed through
their breastplate.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I was at a party in England where
Gordon Ramsay got all fucked up on
mushrooms. It was a real nightmare.
Guidry stands formally dressed, cocktail in hand, chatting
with José Andrés. Naked Gordon Ramsay bursts into the room
with wild eyes and a baby sheep in his arms.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He ran around screaming 'Queen
Elizabeth is a man' and 'Winston
Churchill was full of shit'. Then
he punched a cabbie, stole his car
and drove around with a slaughtered
lamb in the back seat.
A black taxi careens through the streets of London. Covered
in flour, Chef Ramsay hangs out the window like Heath Ledger
in the Dark Knight. He sideswipes a double-decker bus and
runs over ten English bobbies like bowling pins.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He drove off London Bridge and they
had to fish him out of the Thames.
Barreling towards the open bridge, the lamb carcass is
chucked from the cab and flattens a member of the Queen's
Guard as he stands on the steps of Buckingham Palace.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Huge scandal. Paparazzi hounded him
for weeks. It made for great TV
though, and viewership doubled.
Nobody was charged because the
Queen had a thing with Gordon, so
MI6 and the BBC kept it out of the
tabloids, but we all know what
really happened.
END FLASHBACK
Guidry gathers his crew together in a huddle.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Listen, this show may be my last
chance to make it big and I need
your help. You guys gonna come
along with me in these things I
have to do or what?
MICHAEL
I'll do it. I've got nothing else
going on and film classes don't
start for a few months.
RODNEY
Why not? Sure beats work release.
FJ LEWIS
Work release?
RODNEY
Long story. I got caught with
contraband at the Nairobi airport.
GUIDRY
Smuggling drugs? I would have had
you pick me up something.
RODNEY
Nah. Rhino horn.
FJ LEWIS
Knew there was more to that story!
GUIDRY
What about you, Mr. hotshot network
television producer. Are you in?
Guidry extends his hand with an eager smile.
FJ LEWIS
I'll let you know in 6 weeks.
The crew grumbles and FJ accepts the handshake.
GUIDRY
So be it. I respect your decision.
FJ LEWIS
And Gid, you really need to get a
cellphone. I mean, get with the
program, it's the 21st Century.
GUIDRY
Those things give you cancer.
FJ LEWIS
Aww, that's crazy talk--
MICHAEL
(to Guidry)
Hey, I think your ride's here.
EXT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - CONTINUOUS
Wealthy cowboy TODD PACKER emerges from a lifted 4x4 pickup.
TODD PACKER
Hey foodie, I got something you can
put in your mouth.
GUIDRY
Well look who it is: Hopalong
Chastity, the virgin cowboy. Better
hide the farm animals, Martha.
TODD PACKER
You sure have come a long way since
college, Squidrey.
GUIDRY
Eat my shorts, Yosemite Sam.
TODD PACKER
You're wearing shorts now? I
thought you preferred lacy pink
panties. What's next, a thong?
The verbal barbs are followed a bro hug.
Preparing to go their separate ways, the crew bids farewell
to Guidry and his buddy as they climb into the idling truck.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
Banter and Briefcases
INT. - TRUCK - FRONT SEAT - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY
Yo Dumb Guns, I forgot to ask, did
you bring the Plutonium Nyborg?
TODD PACKER
That's a big 10-4.
Todd produces a briefcase and opens it away from camera, the
unseen content's golden glow mimicking Pulp Fiction.
GUIDRY
Snowman shoots and scores!
TODD PACKER
What about you, what you got in the
trunk? You said you were having
trouble with your hookup.
GUIDRY
I got it. Told you I would do
whatever it took.
Donning handmade Italian sunglasses, he whips a similar
briefcase onto the truck seat, opening it dramatically.
Guidry is momentarily bathed in X-rays, in homage to Repo
Man. He removes the designer shades and rummages inside.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
Don't ask me what I had to do to
get it, though.
(wipes mouth)
Let's go find the Loc-Nar.
TODD PACKER
I've been thinking about this, Gid:
You should have a catchphrase,
y'know, like BAM!
GUIDRY
Lagasse stole it from me, that
hack! I came up with that one night
when we were partying with Jacques
Pepin and Mario Batali in the VIP
suite at Scores.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
In the neon Babylon of the Asti Spumante Room, 4 surgically
enhanced ladies hoover the cash from 4 soused patrons.
Bouncing butt cheeks hide the men's faces, as a bottle of
Dom Pérignon is passed between the hedonists.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Every time that toasted Frenchman
slapped a stripper's ass, I would
yell 'BAM!'
As the night progresses, Emeril and Gid are making it rain
for the crowd. Batali and Chef Pepin smoke from a hookah as
hardworking girls scoop buckets of cash with glee. Jacques
attempts to take a shot of Jack, but drunkenly tosses it
over his shoulder.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Long story short, we got thrown out
because Batali couldn't keep his
hands off the merchandise.
With arms covering her chest, a busty entertainer points to
Mario Batali, who holds a bikini top in his teeth.
GUIDRY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They threw us out into the gutter
with the rest of the scum.
Bouncers toss the men into a pile of trash bags littering
the sidewalk of a grimy Big Apple. The rowdy revelers look
up just as an orange-haired hobo stumbles by like a toddler,
chasing a dollar bill being pulled on a fishing line.
TODD PACKER (V.O.)
Nice guy. Ran into him once at some
fetish club in Moscow.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY
Water under the bridge. After we
hung out in Tampa, Emeril and I
became pretty tight.
Guidry finds a TEAM TATONKA bowling shirt in the briefcase.
Touched, he looks over to the Crow Flies Café and smiles.
TODD PACKER
Very cool. So, you're like a member
of the tribe now? Blood brothers.
GUIDRY
Something like that.
The stitched-on name reads: ASWEELS
TODD PACKER
Is that your tribal name: ASWEELS?
Subtitle: SWALLOW
GUIDRY
I guess it is, Kemosabe. Y'know, If
you can't love each other, how the
hell can you love someone else?
TODD PACKER
Hey, now that's profound. THAT
should be your catchphrase.
GUIDRY
I think it's already taken. How
about: Don't dream it, be it?
TODD PACKER
FUCK. YES. Go with that.
GUIDRY
I'll have to run it past my agent,
but that's not why I'm here today.
TODD PACKER
It's not?
Guidry lights a joint and passes it to his friend.
GUIDRY
Nope. I have come here today to get
wasted and kick ass.
The frat brothers high 5.
GUIDRY (CONT'D)
And I'm already wasted. Let's go
play with your big gun.
TODD PACKER
I thought you'd never ask.
Joint in mouth, Todd tokes and cranks up the tunes.
TODD PACKER (CONT'D)
Watch this, my carbon neutral
friend. It's the latest thing. The
kids call it 'coal rolling'.
EXT. - STREET OUTSIDE CROW FLIES CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Todd kicks out the jams as they pull away from the curb. The
rhinestone cowboy guns the engine and the truck belches a
noxious cloud of diesel smoke that engulfs the TV crew.
As they roar off, a set of gold-plated truck nuts sway
underneath a bumper sticker that reads: 'If you can read
this, I'm reloading. We'll be with you momentarily'.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
15 -
Reflections in the Café
INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Observing the deplorable cloud of truck exhaust from inside
the front of the café, Janet, Maggie, and Raphael
sorrowfully shake their heads. Beside them in a woven chair
sits an incredibly old Native woman. The unfathomably old
person grimaces and mutters in her indecipherable native
tongue. The owner nods in agreement.
JANET
You are so right. Douchebags.
MAGGIE
What did she say?
RAPHAEL
Wait? You couldn't understand her?
MAGGIE
What do you want from me? I'm
Shoshone. Has she been here all
this time?
JANET
She was here when I moved in, back
in the pantry with the dried
apricots. Her dog is around here
somewhere. I think we won her in
some treaty with the Blackfeet.
MAGGIE
How old is she anyway?
JANET
I have no idea. Heck, I don't think
SHE knows. Every time I ask she
gives me a different answer.
RAPHAEL
You're Shoshone, girlfriend? Cause
I thought your color palette just
screamed Navajo.
MAGGIE
Really? That's so sweet--
A scruffy mutt trots in and sits beside his aged master. The
ancient woman mutters another stream of gibberish, eliciting
a snort of amusement from the brawny cook.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
What did she say this time?
RAPHAEL
She said it reminds her of
something her great-grandfather
used to say: 'We should have killed
them when we had the chance'.
SUPER: FALL 2000
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
A Surprising Success
INT. CHEF*TV EXECUTIVE OFFICES - DAY
Network suits encircle a large oval table, watching the
pilot episode of AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE. From the wall's
recessed monitor, basic cable host GUIDRY CLOCHE wraps up
his closing monologue with a rousing musical flourish.
The assembled EXECUTIVES watch and compare notes.
EXECUTIVE 1
Well, that was a pleasant surprise.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
Certainly not what I was expecting,
especially from him.
EXECUTIVE 2
I agree. That was actually quite
good. Pretty compelling stuff.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
He really stepped up his game.
EXECUTIVE 1
It's that new producer. CBS is
still pissed.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
This is going to be a tougher
decision than I thought.
EXECUTIVE 2
Hey chief, I have an idea...
EXT. LOS ANGELES FREEWAY - LATER
TV producer FJ LEWIS sits stuck in traffic, sweating and
miserable as neighboring commuters honk in frustration.
A dreamcatcher adorns the rearview mirror and a drop of
perspiration hangs on the tip of his nose. He cranks up the
A/C while the car sits literal yards from his exit.
His cellphone rings and he turns down the radio.
FJ LEWIS
This is Frank. Uh-huh.
(pause)
Oh, hey! What did they think?
His eyebrows knit, but in a moment his expression brightens.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I'm really glad. What?
(pause)
Really? That's great!
Frank mutes his phone and joins the chorus of angry drivers,
honking the horn and proclaiming:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
That's what I'm talking about!
He composes himself and calmly resumes speaking.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Yeah, sorry. I'm here.
(pause)
No, no problems at all. Like a
well-oiled machine. Guidry? Oh,
he's the real deal. Total pro.
The producer smiles and fist pumps the air triumphantly.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Thank you, it means so much to me.
His joy is short lived. He listens with a puzzled look.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Sure, I mean, we can do that.
(pause)
I'll let them know. Let me make a
few calls.
(pause)
I will. Alright, you too. Thanks
again. Bye.
FJ hangs up as the rush hour logjam breaks free. He takes
the Reseda exit and makes a call with a smile on his face.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Mixed Blessings
EXT. RESEDA - MOMENTS LATER
Frank pulls into the driveway of a non-descript suburban
home. Still on the phone, he exits the car and accidentally
closes the door on his shirt.
FJ LEWIS
He what? Of course he did. Well,
how long has he been there?
(pause)
I don't know. Is that a felony?
Frank pulls his shirt free and looks at his watch.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Lemme see what I can do. You guys
get your bags packed. I'll pick you
up at 7:30.
FJ hangs up and looks to the sky in despair. He sighs
heavily, shakes his head and walks to the front door.
It opens from inside, and a giggling 4 year-old barrels into
his legs. MONICA LEWIS leans in and greets him with a kiss.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I've got good news and bad news.
MONICA LEWIS
What's the good news?
FJ LEWIS
We're getting picked up. I'm
officially the producer of a show.
His proud wife smiles and hugs her husband.
MONICA LEWIS
Oh babe, that's incredible! Your
hard work's finally paying off.
(frowns)
Wait, what's the bad news?
FJ LEWIS
Well, here's the thing---
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Undercover Release
INT. LEWIS & CLARK COUNTY JAIL - THE NEXT MORNING
As a bespectacled female officer sits doing paperwork, FJ
pokes his head inside the door, enters and approaches the
window. Without looking up, the CLERK speaks.
CLERK
Yes? May I help you?
FJ LEWIS
I hope so.
CLERK
Dropping off or picking up?
FJ LEWIS
Picking up. The name's Cloche. I
called earlier.
CLERK
Oh yes. Detective Foley's cousin.
FJ LEWIS
That's right. Sorry for the
misunderstanding. He's with us.
CLERK
Always glad to help out the LAPD.
It'll take me a minute to get his
release forms finished. This way.
The woman rises and pushes a button. A buzzer sounds, the
security door opens, and they walk to the holding cells.
CLERK (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
He was naked and hallucinating when
we brought him in. We had no idea
he was working with the DEA.
FJ LEWIS
(mumbling)
Yeah well, neither did he.
CLERK
What was that?
FJ LEWIS
I mean, he's like, deep undercover
on this case. Really deep.
CLERK
(skeptically)
You don't say?
They arrive at another door. She unlocks it, holds it open.
CLERK (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
In here. He's past the others. The
last cell. You keep to the right.
FJ LEWIS
Thank you for your help, Officer--
Frank glances at her security badge.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Barney.
CLERK
Call me Janine. I'll get you his
paperwork.
EXT. HOLDING CELL - CONTINUOUS
FJ finds Guidry standing in a prison jumpsuit with his hands
at his side and his hair slicked back like Hannibal Lecter.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Good evening, Francis.
FJ LEWIS
You know, somehow I always knew
you'd end up here eventually.
The buzzer sounds and the cell opens. They head to the exit.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
What happened to your buddy?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Let's just say the federal
government has a low opinion of
international arms dealers.
FJ LEWIS
So?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, we won't be seeing him no more.
FJ LEWIS
Well, The boys are waiting outside.
Let's get the hell out of Dodge.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Why are THEY here? Wait, where are
we going?
FJ LEWIS
You'll see.
Genres:
["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
Cooking Up Trouble
INT. CHEF*TV STUDIOS' CULINARY ARENA - AFTERNOON
Production staff makes last minute preparations inside the
glass and metal confines of the cavernous Culinary Arena.
Fish are lined up in neat rows on ice and fresh produce is
positioned just so for the camera. At the rear of the set, a
hanging backdrop sports a logo that reads: TASTE OF VICTORY.
Guidry paces nervously around his assigned cooking station,
staring at the rows of empty seats. FJ joins him, picks up a
spatula and playfully flips it around in his hand.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Fuck me.
FJ LEWIS
Huh? This is gonna be great
exposure for the show.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
There may not BE a show after this.
FJ LEWIS
Wait, what?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Don't worry, you'll be fine, but my
career will be over.
FJ LEWIS
Why is that?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
In a little over 3 hours, I will be
publicly humiliated on live TV.
FJ LEWIS
How do you figure? You said
yourself that this other guy was
just a glorified line cook.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You don't understand.
FJ LEWIS
With your years of experience, you
oughta smoke that fool.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Yeah, about that. I never--
FJ LEWIS
Oh, I get it. You've never competed
against another chef?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
It's not that. It's just-- I can't-
FJ LEWIS
Nervous about the live audience?
Don't be, just picture everyone in
their underwear. Nothing to it.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I don't know how to cook!
FJ drops the spatula. It clatters noisily to the floor.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I'm not a chef. Never was. There, I
said it.
FJ LEWIS
Fuck me.
Indian-American Production Assistant BETHANY hurries over,
pushes up her glasses, smiles and checks her notes.
BETHANY
Mr. Cloche?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
What is it now, Stephanie?
BETHANY
It's Bethany, sir. I'm afraid
there's been a scheduling conflict
and your opponent won't be able to
make it to tonight's broadcast.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
'Scheduling conflict'? Scared
shitless is more like it. I was
gonna show up that bum for the no-
talent burger-flipper he is.
Frank rolls his eyes at Guidry's bravado.
FJ LEWIS
So the show is what, postponed?
Canceled? Do we still get paid?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Damned coward.
BETHANY
Oh no. Don't worry, the producers
found a replacement.
FJ LEWIS
A replacement?
BETHANY
Luckily enough, we were able to
find a new contestant on short
notice. Isn't that great?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Swell.
FJ LEWIS
Who'd they get?
The doors burst open on the far side of the arena. A shadowy
figure stalks onto the set surrounded by an entourage of
publicists and PR flacks. His face is hidden by a tastefully
jaunty pashmina. PA Bethany approaches with her clipboard.
BETHANY
Thanks for agreeing to appear on
such short notice. I have your
rider list right here.
STRANGER
Oh, it's my pleasure. Anything for
my dear friend Guidry.
FJ LEWIS
Hey, is that--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You? They got you? I didn't expect-
-
STRANGER
Of course you didn't. Surprised to
see me?
(to P.A.)
I'm sorry Miss-- What was your
name, dear?
BETHANY
Oh, It's Bethany sir. But you can
call me Betty.
STRANGER
Well, if I can call you Betty--
Then Betty, you can call me Al.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Long time no see, Al.
ALTON BROWN removes the scarf, adjusts his bow tie and
points an accusing finger at Guidry.
ALTON BROWN
Not you, though! It's Mr. Brown to
you.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oh, give it a rest fancy-pants.
That was a long time ago. I said I
was sorry.
ALTON BROWN
It almost ended my career.
(MORE)
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) Now I get to
end yours. What delicious irony!
See ya in the kitchen, wannabe.
Dirty looks abound as Alton and his posse barge by on their
way to the dressing rooms. Frank stares, bewildered.
FJ LEWIS
I thought you guys were friends?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
We were, but I was mad at him after
he blew up my dressing trailer--
FJ LEWIS
Oh yeah, you told me about that.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So I MAY have pulled a teensy-
weensy practical joke.
FJ LEWIS
What did you do?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Nothing major. We were doing a live
segment on Good Morning America--
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
GMA anchors flank Alton as he stands slicing and dicing
seafood. Assistant Guidry hands over ingredients to Brown.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I was helping him make ceviché.
FJ LEWIS (V.O.)
And?
Alton squeezes lime into the mix and wipes his hands. Guidry
reaches behind him to add a slimy surprise to the bowl.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.)
And maybe I added just ONE itty-
bitty oyster.
Servings of ceviché are handed out. Alton and the hosts dig
in. Guidry downs his and looks on with an expectant grin.
FJ LEWIS (V.O.)
He's allergic, isn't he?
Alton turns red and reaches for his throat, clawing madly at
his bow tie. His entire body swells up like a balloon,
buttons popping and seams splitting as he inflates. The
hosts run for cover as Alton reaches critical mass.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Anaphylactic Shock. He blew up like
a float at the Macy's Parade.
FJ LEWIS
Oh shit.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
And there's also a tiny chance that
I may have hidden his medication.
FJ LEWIS
Damn, that's cold-blooded. No
wonder he's gunning for you.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Great. This is all I need, a
Brainiac with a grudge. It's gonna
be a bloodbath.
FJ LEWIS
Don't you quit on me yet,
Mayonnaise. I might know someone
who can help.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Really? Who?
(points)
Betty over there? Is her last name
Crocker?
Sounding defeated, the host shakes his head.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
It's hopeless.
FJ LEWIS
Guidry Cloche, you're a grown-ass
man. Surely you know how to prepare
a simple meal to feed yourself.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Need I remind you what I actually
do for a living? I just eat the
food. I don't cook it.
FJ LEWIS
Well, I mean you must have picked
up some recipes or cool techniques
over the years, right?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I mean, I had a job at CLOWN BURGER
when I turned 16, but I got fired.
FJ LEWIS
Ok, that's something!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Then I got a job making guacamole
at a Mexican Place called TA-TA's.
FJ LEWIS
Mexican is good.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Until I got fired.
FJ LEWIS
We can build on that. What else?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
My last civilian job was working at
a PIZZA DADDY's franchise.
FJ LEWIS
Lemme guess, you got fired?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
No, I quit. Have you ever seen the
CEO? Ew, what a creepy asshole!
FJ LEWIS
OK. Alright, I see what you're
bringing to the table.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
This is a car wreck. Alton's gonna
kill me--
FJ LEWIS
Relax, alright? My old man was a
hot tub repairman for 20 years. He
knew a lot of people in this town.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You can't fix this, Frank.
FJ LEWIS
I can fix it.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(despondent)
Stop playing with me.
Frank puts a comforting hand on Guidry's drooping shoulder.
FJ LEWIS
I told you before: I'm not playing.
Let me make some calls.
Frank lifts his phone to dial but Guidry intervenes.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Look, you're a really talented guy
with a bright future ahead of you.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D)
Don't jeopardize your career for a
nobody like me. You have a family.
FJ LEWIS
Well, I had to pick your ass up
from jail this morning. I'd say
you're like family already.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, am I invited to the cookout?
FJ LEWIS
Only if you bring your ex-wife.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
The Unveiling of Alton's Clone
INT. DRESSING ROOM - LATER
ALTON BROWN
He's up to something.
Alton fumes as Betty flips through pages on her clipboard.
BETHANY
I'm sorry Mr. Brown, but the rules
state that each chef is allowed an
assistant of their choice.
ALTON BROWN
I don't trust him. Flying someone
in at the last minute like this--
BETHANY
As long as they're here by airtime,
there's nothing I can do.
An irritated Alton snaps his fingers at his security detail.
ALTON BROWN
Well, I brought an insurance policy
with me just in case.
His entourage wheels over a dolly carrying an enormous,
cabbage-like pod. Alton approaches, kneels down, and strokes
the leafy exterior tenderly. The strange vegetable pulsates,
hinting at something inside.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
It is time, my precious.
The leaves quiver and the pod convulses with life. It bursts
open along the side, yellowish fluid spilling onto the tile
floor. The members of Brown's group look at one another
dubiously. Aghast, Betty shrieks and flees the room.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Look. It's moving--
Covered in goo and vines, a human arm emerges from the green
incubator. Clearly insane, Brown cackles with the glee of a
mad scientist.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
It's alive. It's alive! It's ALIVE!
A leg appears, and soon the pod's occupant is free.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Yes, my child. Come to Daddy.
Covered in slime, the figure rises like Prometheus and walks
over to face Alton. Except for the glasses, the 2 profiles
are identical.
Music: 'God Only Knows' by The Beach Boys The clone reaches
up to touch Alton's face, which is streaked with tears.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(emotional)
I've always loved you.
CLONE
I know.
The pair embrace. Brown's entourage stand gawking, awkwardly
observing the intimate moment. The BODYGUARD steps forward.
BODYGUARD
Hey boss, this is getting weird.
We'll give you a moment, uh, alone?
Ignoring him, the food scientist removes his glasses and
puts them on the clone before cupping his double's cheeks
lovingly. The pair of duplicates smile simultaneously.
ALTON BROWN
Hello Handsome! You're a good
looking fellow, do you know that?
Look at that boyish face, that
sweet smile. THIS is a good boy--
Weirded out, the rest of his crew back away from Alton and
his doppelganger and filter out through the door.
BODYGUARD
Uh, yeah. We'll uh, check up on you
in a little while, uh, Mr. Brown.
Genres:
["Comedy","Sci-Fi","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
Technophobia and Anticipation
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Guidry Cloche paces the floor nervously, counting on his
fingers and mumbling to himself.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Let's see, what was it again? 2
all-beef patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese--
Frank sits on the loveseat, phone in hand.
FJ LEWIS (PHONE)
Thank you so much, Aunt Gladys.
Frank fist pumps and gives Guidry a thumbs-up. Still
anxiously pacing, Guidry continues to babble.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
My boloney has a first name--
FJ LEWIS (PHONE)
(looks at Guidry)
He is. (pause)
I know. Oh she's great. I will. Love you too, Aunt Gladys.
Bye.
Hanging up and looking pleased with himself, Frank stands
and claps. Startled, a despondent Guidry stops pacing.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
All right, help is on the way!
(raises phone)
Thank you, modern technology. So,
tell me again why you don't have a
cellphone?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Don't get me started on those God-
forsaken things.
FJ LEWIS
I figured a celebrity like you
would have the latest and greatest.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(whispers)
Microwaves. Rots the brain.
FJ LEWIS
(chuckling)
Right.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(Irish brogue)
'Fer fook's sake laddy, it's the
bloody Mark of the Beast, that's
what it is.'
FJ LEWIS
(mocking)
If you say so. What, do you think
it's SPYING on me?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You'll see.
(muttering)
Orwellian, I'm tellin' ya--
FJ LEWIS
Dream on, George Jetson.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Don't say I didn't warn you.
FJ LEWIS
Someday we'll all be able to talk
to our phones, have conversations
with it, ask it stuff---
GUIDRY CLOCHE
One word: Skynet. That's all I'm
saying. 'I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid
I can't do that'. Is that what you
want?
FJ LEWIS
You're exaggerating--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'm talking Big Brother here.
FJ LEWIS
(to self)
--Or using hyperbole, I'm not sure.
(MORE)
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(walks to the door)
The plane should be landing any
minute. Let's see what's going on
out front.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
Behind the Curtain: Pre-Show Jitters
INT. CULINARY ARENA - MOMENTS LATER
Guidry and Frank peer from behind the stage curtain. The
TASTE OF VICTORY set is a hive of activity.
Dress rehearsal is underway, as camera shots are established
and script revisions are finalized. As houselights are
adjusted above them, a handful of CHEF*TV executives sit
together in the front row.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Great. The suits are here. Guess
they want to watch me crash and
burn.
FJ LEWIS
Not on my watch.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Where ARE those guys?
FJ LEWIS
Mikey just texted me. They're on
the way back from L.A.X. 25
minutes, tops.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I still don't get it, how'd you get
ahold of a private jet?
FJ LEWIS
Aunt Gladys owed my Mom a favor.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
That's one hell of a favor.
FJ LEWIS
Mom let her have my Grandmother's
waffle recipe.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
A waffle recipe? That's it?
FJ LEWIS
You've never had my Grandmother's
chicken and waffles.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Chicken and waffles?
FJ LEWIS
Trust me.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(frowning)
On the same plate?
FJ LEWIS
Yes! Look, we don't have time for
this. The boys will be back any
minute and we've got to work on
your menu. C'mon--
Guidry takes a last look, frowns, and closes the curtain as
the pair head backstage.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
Dressing Room Revelations
INT. DRESSING ROOM 2 - LATER
Impeccably dressed, the 2 Altons stand face to face,
adjusting each other's bowtie. Satisfied, they hold hands
and gaze at each other longingly.
CLONE
You know, I never dreamed it could
be like this.
ALTON BROWN
I did. Many, many times.
There's a knock at the door.
ALTON AND CLONE
(in unison)
Who is it?
Amused, the men chuckle and bump foreheads affectionately.
CLONE
You go ahead.
Brown caresses his clone's cheek.
ALTON BROWN
You're sweet. Come in!
Betty pops in, pencil in hair and clipboard at the ready.
BETHANY
Mr. Brown? We're just about ready
for the last walkthrough.
(MORE)
BETHANY (CONT'D) I mean, AL. We're
almost re--
She looks back and forth at the identical men, startled.
ALTON BROWN
Yes? What is it, Betty?
Her confusion fades, and she appears strangely aroused.
BETHANY
(coyly)
Well, Al, you know how cute I
always thought you were.
Music: 'Moving in Stereo' by The Cars In slow motion, Betty
lowers her reading glasses, her eyes smoldering with desire.
2 blouse buttons pop open by themselves. She slowly pulls
the pencil from her hair, which cascades down. In full vixen
mode, she puts the pencil to her lips seductively.
The pair of dapper gourmands grin and share a knowing look.
ALTON BROWN
We'll be there momentarily, thanks.
Betty produces a riding crop and pats her palm gently.
BETHANY
(sultry)
Is there anything else I can do for
you 2 strong, handsome men? Maybe
we could, y'know-- hang out after
the show?
The men confer in a whisper before answering.
ALTON AND CLONE
(in unison)
No.
ALTON BROWN
Thanks Betty, but we're fine.
BETHANY
(swishing her crop)
I mean, we've still got a few
minutes--
ALTON AND WILSON
(in unison)
You can go.
Disappointed, Betty puts down the riding crop, turns and
buttons her blouse as she walks to the door.
ALTON BROWN
(softly to his twin)
That felt like harassment. Made me
a little uncomfortable.
CLONE
Me too.
ALTON BROWN
(sighs)
Get used to it. That's just the way
it is. Some things will never
change.
CLONE
I guess great physical beauty can
be a real handicap.
As Betty departs and the door closes, a foot intervenes and
stops it. Guidry slips inside, holding a sloshing drink
pitcher and a stack of plastic cups.
ALTON AND CLONE
(in unison)
Hey! Get out of here!
The pair gaze at one another, enamored.
ALTON BROWN
(to clone)
You're adorable. (to Guidry)
What do YOU want?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I brought a peace offering.
ALTON BROWN
It's too late for that.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Come on, Al. We were friends for a
long time.
ALTON BROWN
Not any more.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
One drink. For old time's sake.
(to clone)
I was his wingman, y'know?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Inside the velvet rope of STUDIO 69, the beautiful people of
1981 are getting their groove on. A giant gold nose is
mounted on the wall. A woman in satin shorts and rainbow
suspenders slides out of a nostril on roller skates.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
We used to go out and hit the clubs
all the time. Dancing--
To a familiar disco beat, a white-suited Guidry recreates
Tony Manero's moves flawlessly, right down to the lighted
floor tiles and mirror ball. As he finishes, he is mobbed by
a crowd of onlookers.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Al was no slouch himself. He could
really hold his own on the dance
floor.
The music changes to an upbeat, old-timey tune, and Alton
slides into frame. Rendered in black and white, he performs
the 'Singing in the Rain' routine by Gene Kelly as foam
fills the dance floor.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Drinking. And boy, did we drink.
At the bar of a Bangkok strip club, the inebriated Al and
Gid toss back shots of Cobra whiskey as the ladies do their
thing. Guidry pours out the last 2 shots, leaving the snake
carcass in the empty bottle.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Back in the early days, Al was the
only person I knew who could drink
as much as I could.
The pair of foodies clink shot glasses and down the potent
liquid. As a ladyboy dancer twirls her tassels, the grinning
pair slide unconscious to the floor.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Well, maybe not the only one.
A hand reaches into frame and grabs the bottle. Turning it
upside down and smacking the bottom, a wasted Andrew Zimmern
sucks out the entire snake, chews, and pulls it's skeleton
from his mouth. Laughing maniacally, he tears off his shirt
like the Hulk, smashes the bottle over his head and lunges
for the strippers.
END FLASHBACK
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
We had some good times together,
Al.
ALTON BROWN
Funny, I don't remember Andy being
there. I heard he quit drinking, by
the way.
CLONE
Good for him.
Guidry raises the pitcher, his voice hopeful.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I remember you used to love my
world-famous Bloody Marys.
ALTON BROWN
Yeah, so what? Doesn't matter! Like
you said, that was a long time ago.
Now get out.
CLONE
Ooh, I could go for one of those.
Setting down the glasses, Guidry fills 3 cups and hands them
out. The Browns accept them cautiously.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
The secret ingredient is vodka.
CLONE
Why not? It's just one drink.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Yeah Poindexter, loosen up. One
drink.
ALTON BROWN
It's a trick.
(sniffs the drink)
He's trying to poison us. He did it
once already.
Guidry raises his cup and sips, seemingly shocked and hurt.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
That really stings, Al. I told you
I was sorry.
The clone raises his cup, but Alton reaches out to stop him.
ALTON BROWN
Wait!
(sniffs his drink)
Is that Clamato I smell?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
What? No! Would I do something like
that, Al?
ALTON BROWN
I knew you would try something, you
son of a bitch.
Guidry stands holding his empty cup, wearing the innocent
look of the wrongfully accused.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Joke's on you, Cloche. I'm not
allergic to ALL shellfish, just
oysters.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Really? Huh, I did not know that.
CLONE
(to Al)
Does that mean it's safe to drink?
ALTON BROWN
I'm not sure.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Of course it's safe, you just saw
me drink it. Come on, Al. I'm a new
man. This is not the OLD me. This
is the NEW me.
CLONE
Well, I'm thirsty. Cheers!
Alton's double drains his cup, smacking his lips after.
CLONE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Damn, that's a good Bloody Mary.
Alton watches his clone for any sign of distress.
Cautiously, he sips his drink. Finding it to his liking he
empties the plastic cup and flips it at Guidry.
ALTON BROWN
There. One drink. You happy now?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'd be happier if you'd just
forgive me.
The clone scoffs and opens a makeup mirror to apply his fake
moustache. Satisfied, he snaps the mirror and tosses it.
Joining his clean-shaven kin, the pair stand side-by-side,
hands on hips.
ALTON BROWN
Not gonna happen. Now get out. In
exactly one hour, Wilson and I are
going to expose to the world what a
charade you are.
CLONE
(makes pig noise)
Ha-ha!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Wilson?
Grinning through a slightly crooked cookie-duster, Wilson
extends his hand to Guidry.
WILSON
Wilson. Wilson Brown.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oh. Nice to meet you.
He reaches out to shake, and Wilson pulls his hand back in
the classic diss.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(to Alton)
It doesn't have to go down like
this, Al.
ALTON BROWN
(bitterly)
Yes it does. And I get to do it in
front of a live studio audience.
Did I mention I invited some VIPs
to sit up front?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Who? The suits? I saw 'em.
ALTON BROWN
Oh no. Not them.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Well, who then?
ALTON BROWN
You'll see.
(evil laugh)
They're all gonna laugh at you!
WILSON
They're all gonna laugh at you!
ALTON AND WILSON
(in unison)
THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!
THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!
Distraught, Guidry abandons his pitcher and cups, sprinting
for the door in a panic. He opens it and pauses.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(tearful)
I just wanted us to be friends
again!
As the door slams, the Brown boys look at each other and
laugh.
WILSON
Oh, goodie! Look what he left--
The clone reaches for the pitcher to pour himself a refill.
ALTON BROWN
Give me another one of those, too.
Wilson hands it over and they toast before drinking deeply.
WILSON
Ah! Wow, that's good.
ALTON BROWN
He's an asshole, but he does make a
damn fine Bloody Mary. Give me one
more--
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
24 -
Eavesdropping and Anticipation
INT. CHEF*TV STUDIO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Guidry's ear is against the dressing room door,
eavesdropping on the Browns. Further up the hallway, Frank
and his production crew, MICHAEL KUSAMA and RODNEY NEUMANN,
poke their heads around the corner, straining to see.
Towering above the crew, a very large Native American man
nurses his Frappuccino wearing a grin. The embroidered name
on his teal bowling shirt reads: RAPHAEL.
Amused, the hulking chef of Montana's Crow Flies Café blows
Guidry a playful kiss as the host rejoins his team.
FJ LEWIS
Did it work?
Guidry smiles as he wipes away the crocodile tears.
RODNEY
Why are you crying?
MICHAEL
Duh, he was acting!
RODNEY
Brilliant!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(takes a bow)
Thank you. (to Raphael)
How long do we have, Big Sexy?
RAPHAEL
About 45 minutes. Depends on how
much they drank.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Perfect.
FJ LEWIS
Let's get out of here before his
posse gets back.
MICHAEL
Yeah, where'd they go?
RODNEY
They're getting autographs from the
judges.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I almost forgot to ask: Who ARE the
judges? There's 3, right?
MICHAEL
Uh huh.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Anyone I'd recognize?
FJ LEWIS
Oh, I'm pretty sure you've met at
least one of them before.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Ok, as long as it's not John Elway.
An oversized brown hand comes down on Guidry's shoulder.
RAPHAEL
If it isn't my buddy Asweels. Let
me show you tonight's menu.
The group heads for Guidry's dressing room. At the end of
the hall, the producer stops.
FJ LEWIS
You guys go ahead, I'm gonna say hi
to my aunt.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
25 -
Culinary Arena Crisis
INT. CULINARY ARENA - LATER
With an overflow audience filling the stadium seats, a
handsome Asian man warms up the crowd. Between acrobatic
karate moves, the show's host introduces the crew and hypes
up the impending showdown.
A sleeveless longhaired grip in a bullet belt and fingerless
gloves counts down with his fingers as the camera's light
blinks on and the teleprompter begins it's crawl.
GRIP
5. 4. 3...
(counts silently)
After 2 and 1, the grip whirls his
arm underhand and points.
GEORGE TAKEI
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm
your host, George Takei. But within
the confines of this kitchen
Coliseum, I am known as the
'Chairman of the Cutting Board'.
The crowd responds enthusiastically.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Greetings and salutations, fellow
food-fight fanatics. I would like
to welcome each and every one of
you to: Culinary Arena!
The lights strobe and dazzle the masses, prompting whooping
and cheering from the stands.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
We are excited to have you with us,
and I must say, you are here on a
very special night.
(MORE)
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D)
(turns)
Now, I know some of you are
disappointed that one of our
competitors was unable to be here
tonight because of a scheduling
conflict, so the producers asked me
to share this update regarding his
whereabouts.
Disappointed groans and a few shouts from the assembly.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Unfortunately, It is my sad duty to
report that our contestant and his
production staff have gone missing.
The film crew were last seen
somewhere in the middle of the
Golden Triangle, home of the
heroin-producing 'Flaming Dragon'
gang.
Gasps of disbelief from the suddenly quiet audience.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
The host was reportedly spotted by
witnesses riding a moped outside a
satay stand in Ho Chi Minh City,
attempting to interview a 12-year-
old guerilla leader when he and his
camera team disappeared.
Authorities suspect they may have
been captured by the young warlord,
and believe the captives are likely
being held at gunpoint by his armed
militia at this very moment. Oh my!
Stunned cries of alarm and murmurs of concern rain down in
response, followed by silence. A lone person coughs.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
So tonight, we'd like to extend our
heartfelt thoughts and prayers to
the families of the hostages.
From somewhere in the audience, an anonymous voice offers
sarcastically: 'Yeah, that'll help.' and is shushed by the
crowd.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
At the U.S. Embassy, State
Department officials have put out a
press release stating that while no
ransom demands have been made,
local law enforcement vows to
follow up on any potential leads.
Rewards have been offered for
information on the whereabouts of
the missing Americans.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
26 -
Whispers of Concern
INT. CULINARY ARENA THIRD ROW - CONTINUOUS
José Andrés leans over and whispers to Éric Ripert:
ANDRES
What do you think?
RIPERT
I don't know, have they checked the
tattoo parlors?
The giddy Spaniard stifles a laugh and pats the Frenchman's
shoulder.
ANDRES
What about the brothels?
RIPERT
You have a point. I wouldn't put it
past him.
ANDRES
(chuckles)
He WOULD pull something like that.
I mean after all, this IS Anthony
we're talking about.
RIPERT
Free as a bird, doing his own
thing.
ANDRES
Not here, like a great big
television star. He would hate
this.
RIPERT
Well, like it or not: I'm afraid
we'll have to share our dear friend
Tony with the rest of the World
now.
The pair clasp hands and share a quiet moment of Grace.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
27 -
Culinary Showdown: Tensions and Triumphs
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
--in wishing them all a safe and
speedy return.
Slow clapping turns into moderate applause from the worried
crowd, who look at one another anxiously.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
HOWEVER, there's an old saying in
television: The Show Must Go On.
And fortunately, we think we've
found a suitable replacement. So,
at this time, the producers would
like to take this opportunity to
thank Alton Brown and his assistant
Wilson for agreeing to appear on
such short notice.
(claps)
Thank you Alton. Let's hear it for
him, folks. He's good people.
Clapping and general acceptance from the placated mob.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Oh my! Ladies and gentlemen, we've
just been notified by the network
of an extraordinary development.
I'm being told by my producers
that: In order to celebrate the new
fall lineup, we here at CHEF*TV are
proud to announce that tonight, for
the very first time, this show will
be broadcast LIVE, coast-to-coast,
with limited interruptions to a
national audience in Prime Time!
Roars of approval from the packed studio. Chants of: 'Prime
Time. Prime Time.'
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
And this evening, oh my! We have a
battle for the ages. 2 well-
seasoned masters of the culinary
arts will face off, to see which
Gastronomic Gladiator will get to
savor: the TASTE OF VICTORY!
Wild applause ensues. After a moment, the host quiets the
crowd.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
But before we do, let's meet
tonight's celebrity judges. And oh
my, do we have some star power
assembled for you here tonight. So
without further ado, let's get
things started:
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Just offstage, the members of Team Guidry peer out from the
wings, observing the preliminaries. Oblivious, Guidry shakes
his shoulders loose as he bounces on his toes, bobbing and
weaving like a prizefighter.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
This picture-perfect celebrity
judge has been referred to as the
First Lady of Homemaking, and was
recently named by Fortune magazine
as one of its '50 Most Powerful
Women' for the second consecutive
year.
MICHAEL
Uh-oh.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
If you ask nicely, she may just
give you some free investment
advice. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome: Martha Stewart!
The raucous crowd erupts.
INT. CULINARY ARENA GREEN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Martha munches a chocolate-chip cookie. Lowering her Wall
Street Journal, she folds it, rises and uses it to brush off
some crumbs. As she approaches the stage, the Mistress of
Manners glares icily at the Asian man and flips off the
control booth with both hands.
MARTHA STEWART
(pissed)
Investment advice?
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE - CONTINUOUS
M-Diddy casually strolls onstage, warmly smiling and waving
like Jackie-O to the adoring fans. As she approaches the low
platform, she brushes by the regretful host before taking a
seat at the judge's table.
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
I'm sorry Martha, the writer
fellows swore that was a good line.
Smoothing her chic pantsuit, she slides into place on the
dais, the image of calm sophistication.
MARTHA STEWART
(calmly)
Nobody likes a tattletale, Georgie.
Especially me.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
28 -
Celebrity Judges Take the Stage
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
FJ LEWIS
Ok, so they brought out the big
guns.
RODNEY
My Mom worships her.
Guidry stops throwing jabs and joins his friends.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Marty's here?
MICHAEL
Marty?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oh, Marty and I go WAY back. We
used to do bong rips and play
pinball all day over at Michael
Milken's house. She had a thing for
me before I slept with her sisters.
FJ LEWIS
Well, don't worry. I brought in a
ringer.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Our next judge was a late addition.
She has been a Grammy-winning
recording artist for over 3
decades, and has released a string
of platinum-selling albums and
dozens of chart-topping hits. Oh
my! Ladies and gentlemen, I present
to you: the legendary Gladys
Knight!
The audience goes wild. Frank cheers his approval as the
Empress of Soul glides onto the set.
As she waves, she spies her nephew offstage and gives him a
wink, stepping up to the table to greet Martha with a kiss.
Mike, Rodney, and Raphael stand looking at Frank in mute
amazement.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Aunt Gladys?
FJ LEWIS
What can I say? I come from a big
family, I've got a lot of aunts and
uncles.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You'll introduce me after the show,
right?
FJ LEWIS
Settle down, lover boy. They're
about to introduce the last judge.
I believe you 2 know one another?
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
And finally, for the pièce de
résistance in this titanic battle
for kitchen supremacy; Oh my! I'm
really excited about this, because
we're honored to have a living
legend with us tonight. Tonight's
extra-special celebrity guest judge
is a woman who needs no
introduction, but here goes:
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Nancy Reagan?
FJ LEWIS
Think taller.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Margaret Thatcher?
FJ LEWIS
You're so close--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(gasps)
No.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
A towering figure in the culinary
world, and a trailblazing pioneer
in the history of television.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(disbelief)
It can't be.
FJ LEWIS
Oh, but it can.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
It is a tremendous honor to have a
true icon here with us tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up
for: The Grand Dame of haute
cuisine herself. Often imitated,
never duplicated. The one, the
only, the incomparable--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Jules?
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Miss Julia Child!
The curtains part, and a beefy Chippendale's dancer gently
pushes a wheelchair carrying the beloved octogenarian out to
meet her adoring public.
A beleaguered assistant pries away the sherry bottle as she
waves to the mob like royalty, basking in the glow when
suddenly the entire audience rises as one to its feet.
As the ovation thunders on, the regal matriarch cheekily
pulls up her blouse to flash the cameraman, who blushes and
turns his lens skyward. Julia puts her hand to the side of
her head and makes the 'call me' gesture as she joins her
fellow luminaries at the judge's table.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Oh my!
RAPHAEL
Did that just happen?
RODNEY
Damn, she's a pimp!
MICHAEL
That was straight-up gangster.
FJ LEWIS
You were right. Sorry I didn't
believe you.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Same old Jules.
The crowd quiets as the emcee resumes speaking.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Oh my! I would be remiss in my
duties if I didn't navigate our
ship over to the constellation of
all-star chefs who have trekked
from across the universe so they
could be with us tonight to witness
this tasty battle of snobs versus
slobs.
The house lights focus on several rows of distinguished
people seated up front with the executives. The music
swells, building the tension.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oh no.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
As individuals, they are globally
respected. But together: they
represent a veritable galaxy of
Michelin stars.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So THAT'S who he was talking about.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Within this vast Federation of
flavor, each of these enterprising
pioneers have altered the space-
time continuum in their own way.
Their continuing mission: to
explore strange new foods; to seek
out new bites, and new
monetization; to boldly go where no
chefs have gone before.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS
George Takei begins reciting a list of familiar and
prestigious names, pointing out individual accomplishments
of arguably the 50 biggest names in Food.
As the assembled chefs chat amiably amongst themselves in
their seats, ushers hand out pre-wrapped chocolate-chip
cookies to the multitudes.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
29 -
Backstage Banter: Chefs and Sass
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Bethany joins them backstage while Guidry scans the crowd.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
There's Graham Kerr and Keith
Floyd. I see Ripert still has his
nose attached to Robuchon's butt.
RAPHAEL
Sara Moulton got a haircut. Girl,
that's the wrong color for you.
BETHANY
Besides, the Rachael is so over.
RAPHAEL
I know, right? Can you stand it?
BETHANY
1997 called, they want their
hairstyle back.
RAPHAEL
You're so catty. I love it.
BETHANY
Did we just become best friends?
FJ LEWIS
Did he say 'snobs vs. slobs?'
MICHAEL
I believe he did, sire.
FJ LEWIS
Do you think he meant us?
RODNEY
I believe he did, sire.
FJ LEWIS
I thought so. I think my hand wants
to boldly go and seek out his face.
RAPHAEL
Is that Gordon Ramsey?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Yeah, that's him. Limey prick.
BETHANY
You sure? He looks different.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Looks like somebody got an
appointment with Nigella's doctor.
Hey, there's the old girl now!
BETHANY
I see her, and she looks STUNNING.
RAPHAEL
I swear she's getting younger.
BETHANY
That bitch.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
30 -
Chaos in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
We'll have to stop here for station
identification and a word from our
sponsors. But, when we return LIVE,
we'll meet the starting lineups in
tonight's Clash of the TV Titans.
We'll be right back, So don't move
a muscle!'
CONTROL TOWER (O.S.)
And, we're out. Way to go, George.
Set phasers for 'killing it'. Hey,
can we get security over here?
GEORGE TAKEI
No seriously, don't move a muscle.
Just sit there, you fat bastards.
(incredulous)
'New monetization'? Who writes this
shit?
INT. CULINARY ARENA LOADING DOCK - CONTINUOUS
A mounted LAPD unit rests near the exit to the parking lot,
chatting with MARTIN, a member of studio security.
LAPD
I think there's a clinical name for
it, isn't there?
MARTIN
Drowning. But that's not why we
moved--
CONTROL TOWER
Chief, put out the fire, will ya?
The lean, angular-faced guard looks up to the tower and over
to the set before dashing off to grab a fire extinguisher.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Music: 'The End' by The Doors An upside down Alton stares at
a ceiling fan rotates to highlight the flames reflected in
his eyes. Apocalypse Brown has set fire to a dozen pots and
pans full of brandy and is tossing cherries into the flaming
liquid jubilantly.
CONTROL TOWER
And can somebody get Mr. Wilson to put his pants back on,
please?'
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
31 -
Diversity and Celebrity Banter
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
RAPHAEL
Oh my God, there's Anne Rosenzweig!
FJ LEWIS
Not enough black faces out there,
if you ask me.
BETHANY
Or women.
MICHAEL
You can't find many Asian people in
that crowd, that's for sure.
RAPHAEL
Hardly any Hispanics, either.
RODNEY
I see a couple members of the tribe
out there.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oh shut up, your tribe runs this
whole town.
FJ LEWIS
Are you trying to get fired again?
MICHAEL
(nudges Guidry)
Hey, is that Masaharu Morimoto?
FJ LEWIS
You know him, Gid?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
We're acquainted. Let's just say
you don't want to make him angry.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D)
You wouldn't like him when he's
angry.
MICHAEL
I think he goes to my Dad's
dentist. Is it him?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'm not sure, Kato.
(joking)
Which one is he? I can't tell the
difference, all you Asian guys l--
Glancing at his cast of multiracial comrades, he spies his
producer's expression and reconsiders his next words.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
--like to think I know everybody in
the food show biz?
FJ LEWIS
Well played. You're learning.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I DO know this, though: Don't ever
play Mahjong with that guy. You
don't want to owe him money,
especially if you enjoy playing the
piano.
RODNEY
Someone on the internet said that
the Hong Kong mob were the ones who
killed Bruce Lee.
MICHAEL
The Triads? Oh sure, that's what
the Wing Kong WANT you to think--
FJ LEWIS
C'mon, is he really in the Yakuza?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oyabun of the Lords of Death.
RAPHAEL
(excited to Betty)
Is that Kevin Costner?
FJ LEWIS
Lords of Death?
BETHANY
(to Raffi)
No, it's Kevin Spacey.
RAPHAEL
(deflated)
Oh. Ew.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Long story. Remind me to tell you
next time we're in Tokyo.
As the studio audience files in from several hundred
bathroom breaks, celebs in formal wear jostle each other
reclaiming their seats.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(searching)
Dang, where's Emeril?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
32 -
Jealousy and Hallucinations in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS
With 2 cups of beer pinched between his fingers, Emeril
Lagasse squeezes down the aisle. He apologizes profusely for
spilling his Peroni on Guy Fieri as he passes by on the way
to his date. Gingerly wiping the drops from his white tuxedo
jacket, he hands one of the brews to the striking black
woman seated next to him.
INT - CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY CLOCHE
That son of a bitch!
FJ LEWIS
What?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Lagasse's with my ex-wife!
MICHAEL
No way.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
WAY.
RAPHAEL
Who?
RODNEY
What a dick move.
FJ LEWIS
Emeril Lagasse.
RAPHAEL
I know who Emeril Lagasse is, dude.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
My ex-wife Pamela.
RAPHAEL
You were married? That poor woman.
FJ LEWIS
Hold on. Your ex-wife, she's HERE?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
See for yourself.
BETHANY
(pointing)
Wait, is that HER?
RAPHAEL
Shut UP. I'm dead, literally dead.
RODNEY AND MICHAEL
(in unison)
We're not worthy--
BETHANY
She's so gorgeous, I can't even
look directly AT her.
Frank scans the aisles, looking for the lovebirds. He spies
Emeril canoodling with a stunning black woman.
FJ LEWIS
Wow. Pam Fucking Grier.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
She smells like angels oughta
smell.
FJ LEWIS
The perfect woman.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
The Goddess.
FJ LEWIS
I'm not going to waste one more
second wondering how you got so
lucky. Man, if I was single---
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You're not helping, Romeo.
FJ LEWIS
What? Don't look at me like I'm a
monster.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Then stop staring like a zombie and
help me break those 2 up.
FJ LEWIS
Aunt Gladys said my Uncle Cal might
show up tonight. He might be able
to help us out there, actually--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, it seems Lagasse has
been putting the moves on my would-
be girlfriend.
A surprised Frank is taken aback:
FJ LEWIS
Wait, I thought you 2 were
divorced?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
It's complicated. It's not final
until I sign the papers.
FJ LEWIS
Oh wait, I get it now. You don't
want to sign them.
(sighs)
THAT'S why you don't have a
cellphone. 'Big Brother' my ass.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Just keep a good safe distance, Mr.
Family Man. She'll suck you dry.
FJ LEWIS
Really? I mean, it's Foxy Brown?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
She'll eat you alive.
FJ LEWIS
Man, I grew up worshipping that
woman.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I would've martyred my mama to ride
to hell between those thighs.
FJ LEWIS
You and me both. You'd do it again?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
In a heartbeat. I mean, she made me
cry, but I'd sell my soul to be
back in her bosom.
FJ LEWIS
Good luck. You gonna talk to her
after the show? I'm a big fan, I
would love to meet her...
The request prompts Guidry to raise a cautionary hand.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I guess I should probably warn you
in case we run into her later--
FJ LEWIS
I'm listening.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
First, avert your eyes.
(rubs jaw)
Don't challenge her dominance by
making eye contact.
FJ LEWIS
Ouch. The universe is hostile.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Second, and I can't stress this
enough, don't EVER call her 'Foxy
Brown' in public.
FJ LEWIS
Thanks for the tip, I'll have to
remind my uncle when I see him.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
When we were on our Honeymoon, she
beat Wayne Newton over the head
with a Roulette wheel. Made him
thank her for doing it, too. There
he was crying, singing 'Danke
Schoen' while she was kicking his
ass. Penn Jillette and Carrot Top
had to break it up--
FJ LEWIS
What a woman! Sorry it went south.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
It's just as well. I could never
win her back anyway, not after
Steves. Can we not talk about it?
My temples are pounding.
A sympathetic hand reaches out to gently touch his forearm.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Who cares, I've already lost her.
BETHANY
You know, sometimes when you win,
you really lose, and sometimes when
you lose, you really win, and
sometimes when you win or lose, you
actually tie.
RAPHAEL
It's so true, and sometimes when
you tie, you actually win or lose.
Winning or losing is all--
RAPHAEL AND BETHANY
(in unison)
--one organic mechanism, from which
one extracts what one needs!
RAPHAEL
Where have you been all my life,
sweetie darling? You're like the
absolutely fabulous little sister
that I never had.
BETHANY
And you're like the cool older
brother that I didn't fucking hate.
The worried host looks at his diverse group of supporters,
and takes comfort in their easy friendship.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Look at us, one big happy family.
RODNEY
(looking at Raff)
Yeah, The Munsters.
MICHAEL
I was gonna say the Addams Family.
FJ LEWIS
That's the thing about family:
We're all we got.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
We're all we need.
The men share a warm smile and Guidry hypothesizes:
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You know, I'm feeling sorta blue.
If I can just find us a little
green man, we'll have the whole box
of crayons.
FJ LEWIS
Just goes to show you, when it
comes to family: It don't matter if
you're black or white.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Are you related to him too? How
many cousins do you have, anyway?
FJ LEWIS
Too damn many. Aunt Gladys just
texted and said Uncle Cal is in the
building. You guys should meet up
after the show. He knows L.A.
better than anyone.
Guidry stands staring at his hand, waving his fingers and
examining his fingerprints. As spirals swirl in the contours
of his palm, little green men crowd around Gid. Confused, he
rubs his eyes and blinks away the hallucination.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'd be happy to once this wears
off. Does he have any weed?
FJ LEWIS
(chuckles)
I'd say that's a safe bet.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
33 -
Tension in the Culinary Arena
INT. ONSTAGE AT CULINARY ARENA - CONTINUOUS
CONTROL TOWER
'Alright everyone, ten seconds.'
As the show's host retakes the spotlight, the introductions
begin with a flourish of colorful lasers. The orchestral
music builds to a crescendo.
GEORGE TAKEI
Welcome back. I'm your host George
Takei, and we're coming to you LIVE
from Culinary Arena, for a very
special episode of TASTE OF
VICTORY!
(pivots)
And now, a kitchen tradition unlike
any other. It's time to meet
tonight's challengers in a segment
we like to call: Chop it up!
Blinding lights, music, and 'enhanced' applause aid the
segue.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
On Guidry's side of the set, Mike and Rodney are finishing
Guidry's prep, holding up fingers to denote various kitchen
appliances clustered on the counter. A black number 4 has
been written on a large mixer, and various other stations
are marked similarly 1, 2, and 3.
Nearby, color-coded spice containers sit next to a measuring
cup holding a pre-measured amount of murky liquid poured
from a delicate Native earthenware bottle.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
The lineman-sized cook holds a woven basket as he rifles
through yellow, dog-eared index cards.
RAPHAEL
Just spread it out, that's all you
have to do. The boys will let you
know what to use and how much.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
First on the chopping block, this
Kitchen Crusader is a Wizard of
appetizing ALchemy known as the Mad
Scientist of Food.
FJ LEWIS
I mean, it's stuff you already know
how to do. Just remember your
lines.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
And let me tell you, he really
saved our bacon by agreeing to
compete here this evening. A Good
Sport who knows a thing or 2 about
Good Eats--
MICHAEL
Yeah, we'll hold up the cards--
The ingenious crewmembers hold up stacks of UNO cards.
RODNEY
He's got numbers, I've got colors.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend
me your applause. I have come to
praise him, not to bury him.
RAPHAEL
Don't be scared, Asweels.
(grins)
I'll be right there with you. We'll
do it together, brother.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to
you: the Man Behind the Curtain
himself; Mr. Alton Brown!
Music: 'Pomp and Circumstance' by Sir Edward Elgar The crowd
erupts as the drape is pulled.
The grandiose intro music blares throughout the arena as
Alton and his mustachioed look-alike enter like wild-eyed
Samoan wrestlers, pointing and gesturing as they are guided
to their cooking stations by a stout Asian man in a familiar
black suit and bowler hat.
ALTON BROWN
(fuming)
Guidry Cloche, do you think you’re
what the suits were thinking about
when they thought up CHEF*TV?
WILSON
Ooooh yeah, I don’t think so!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
34 -
Guidry's Culinary Chaos
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Guidry struggles to be heard above the Macho Maniacs.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(to self)
That reminds me-- (hiccups)
--Rick Flair owes me 50 bucks. (MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Well, lets get on with it! (burps)
It's starting to kick in.
RAPHAEL
You should've eaten something--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(to Raffi)
¡Oh, por cierto! Mis más cordiales
saludos a sus más maravillosos y
confiables colegas en México.
SUBTITLE: Oh, by the way! My warmest regards to your most
wonderful and trustworthy colleagues in Mexico.
RAPHAEL
You speak Spanish?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I do? ¡Vaya, eso es algo realmente
bueno, hombre!
SUBTITLE: Woah, that's some really good shit, man!
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
What can I say about Guidry Cloche
that hasn't already been said? Or
shouted.
(looks offstage at Gid)
Or screamed at the top of my lungs.
Repeatedly. Or heard in court.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(woozy)
I was suing Hikaru Kato Sulu,
commander of the USS Excelsior, not
YOU, George.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Now multiply that by literally
thousands of times. Seriously, tell
your publicist to stop emailing me.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Fue solo esa vez, sobre todo.
Principalmente--
SUBTITLE: It was just that one time, mostly. Mostly--
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
You know, if Guidry somehow manages
to win this competition, maybe for
once maybe someone will call him
'Sir' without showing their badges
and adding: 'You're making a
scene', am I right?
The tickled audience bellows it's hearty reply.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
35 -
Cooking Competition Chaos
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Frank holds back an insulted El Guapo before he goes full
Bandito.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Them's fightin' words.
(mumbles)
Puto pendejo--
RODNEY
(to Mike)
This is gonna take crackerjack
timing, gang.
MICHAEL
(nods)
Total concentration.
FJ LEWIS
You ready, Raff?
Raphael dutifully re-checks his gear, preparing to assume
his sous-chef position.
RAPHAEL
(confident)
I was BORN ready.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Batches? Listen gringo, we don'
need no stinking BATCHES--
FJ LEWIS
(to Raffi)
We'd better get him to the stage
before he starts doing the
Macarena--
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
A man whose Gonzo, Cinéma vérité
style and take-no-prisoners
explorations into the dark heart of
food television pushed the
boundaries of broadcast excellence.
Music: Voodoo Child (Slight Return) by Jimi Hendrix GEORGE
TAKEI (CONT'D) Oh MY! It's Guidry Cloche!
Smiling, hand raised and steps into his grand entrance,
Jimi's squalling wah-wah-guitar stops abruptly mid-note.
His air guitar now unplugged, Stevie Ray Cloche stands
befuddled as Team Guidry's chosen entrance theme is replaced
by a modern alternative.
Music: 'Loser' by Beck The twangy opening riff is met with a
ripple of derisive snark from the multitudes.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Humiliated, a pouting Guidry attempts to walk off the set
but is stopped by Raphael, who takes him by the shoulders
and spins him around. Hand on El perdedor's shoulder, Coach
Frank bucks up his little camper:
FJ LEWIS
You got this, One Take.
Pointing him toward his mark, his producer sets him in
motion with a pat on the back.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Now, good luck and don't fuck it
up.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Sporting his teal 'TEAM TATONKA' gear, Asweels waves to his
assorted supporters, standing dazed and confused in front of
his gleaming arsenal of equipment.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
(snickers)
Apologies to Team Guidry for the
musical mix-up.
(dryly)
Not sure what happened there.
Carrying his basket of goodies, Raphael rumbles onto the
set.
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
(gestures)
Now as you can see, tonight's teams
have very different warm-up
routines.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
The loopy host lines up colored mixing bowls and rolls out
Raffi's knives while the big fella sorts his cheese and the
team unpacks the contents of the Montana care package.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Oh, and Alton: Love your suit.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
36 -
Culinary Chaos: Hallucinations and Hilarity
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
In the adjoining kitchen, Alton and mustachioed assistant
Wilson are each intensely staring at their reflections in a
pair of sauté pans.
ALTON BROWN
Who AM I, really?
Behind his pornstache, Wilson the clone sways gently to the
techno beat of his own drum machine as he applies lipstick.
Music: 'Goodbye Horses' by Q Lazzarus WILSON Would you fuck
me? I'd fuck me.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D)
(to frying pan)
Which one of us is real and which
is the reflection?
WILSON
I'd fuck me hard. I'd fuck me so
hard.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my!
(MORE)
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (looks to
director)
It appears that Team Alton Brown still needs a few moments,
so let's chat with their opponents in tonight's 3-course
collision.
(turns to address Gid) So Team Guidry, what is your strategy
going into tonight's matchup?
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Our hero battles the effects of the peyote. The large black
numbers scrawled on the mixing bowls dance and wave like
predatory worms.
Raphael's large teal form looms nearby, small gremlins
dancing on his broad shoulders. Guidry blinks and shakes his
head to clear the cobwebs before responding.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'm glad you asked, Helmsman Sulu.
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
(whispers)
My NAME is GEORGE, you dick!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
You're relieved, Lieutenant. I'll
take the conn.
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
Hey! I was a Starfleet Captain!
(to stagehand)
I don't need this--
Almost on autopilot, the toasted host recites his memorized
lines like a steely-eyed veteran. His dilated pupils dance
with mischief as he addresses the expectant crowd.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I'd like to thank CHEF*TV for
inviting me to participate, and for
helping me promote my new show:
AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE.
A smattering of applause and whistles follow, mostly from
the offstage members of Team Guidry.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
And I personally know almost all of
our esteemed guests sitting there
up front.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) Hey Emeril,
here's a bird I cooked for ya'.
The scowling host covers his raised fist with his free hand
and does the 'disappearing middle-finger' trick, pulling his
hand away innocently as the audience enjoys the bawdy jab.
Looking over to Benedict Takei, he adds:
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D)
Who wants seconds? You?
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
I have a restraining order, you
know--
The determined Guidry plows through his lines.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Now, you all know me for my zany
adventures and outrageous persona,
but tonight, I would like to share
the spotlight--
With trepidation, Guidry pats the melting shoulder of the
frost giant standing next to him.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Correction: This evening, I am
refusing the spotlight--
An intrigued crowd bristles at the news.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(wistful)
--and it's warm, nourishing glow.
Raffi nudges him gently, breaking the spell.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
No, tonight I'd like to showcase
all the everyday heroes who toil
away anonymously in the world's
kitchens to feed you and I. To feed
us ALL, really.
(pivots)
You see, AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE
believes that unsung food workers
like Raphael here are essential to
ensuring the future of fine dining.
Without them, the machine breaks
down and we all go hungry.
The polite applause cascades as Guidry wins some converts.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE believes
that men and women like Raffi are
deserving of the same respect as
these celebrity chefs up front,
often more.
The last bit prompts a fair amount of good natured ribbing
among the VIPs.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(dryly)
Much, much more. Looking at you
Lagasse, you little toad.
The crowd responds favorably to the roast, joshing the
would-be Casanova and giving him the business.
From the wings, FJ shouts out loud enough to be heard:
FJ LEWIS
'Bam', motherfucker!
Upon being singled out, Emeril looks around with a 'Who?
Me?' expression. Pam discreetly covers her eyes and looks
away, embarrassed.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, my friend Raffi here is gonna
take the lead and I'll act as HIS
sous-chef. Tell the ladies and
germs what we'll be serving
tonight, chef--
RAPHAEL
(nervous)
Sure. Uh- (stammers)
Well, for tonight's menu we'll be preparing a variety of
familiar comfort foods with a distinct (winks at Guidry)
'Old-School' Montana twist.
GEORGE TAKEI
That sounds fantastic, and I'm sure
it comes as welcome news to those
who have eaten Guidry's cooking
before, as I'm sure his opponent
can attest.
(turns)
Am I right, Alton? ALTON?
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
His tongue protruding in concentration, Alton Brown sits on
the floor of his cooking station, carving a scale model of
Devil's Tower out of butter.
ALTON BROWN
This means something. This is
important.
Meanwhile, young love blossoms a few feet away.
Music: 'Love Theme From Romeo & Juliet' by Tchaikovsky
Wilson the clone dances an elegant waltz, gracefully dipping
his partner while the pair twirl in rhythmic synchronicity.
The dapper double rises and removes an apple from his teeth,
tossing it aside to bounce off Alton's preoccupied skull.
Consumed with carnal zeal, the randy replicant resumes
passionately making out with the suckling pig.
INT. ONSTAGE AT CULINARY ARENA - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my! It seems the opposing team
has jumped the gun, and have
already begun working on their
menu. That means Team Guidry now
has the green light to embark upon
this epic Epicurean quest.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
37 -
Culinary Chaos: Guidry's Focus
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Raphael bursts into action. Guidry looks offstage to Mike
and Rodney, who hold up UNO cards. As the pair urgently wave
their instructions, the motion creates colorful trails.
Guidry slaps himself back to coherence, nodding at the boys
and forcing himself to focus on the task at hand.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Remember, only one team can be
victorious here tonight. To do
that, they'll have to wow our panel
of celebrity judges. We'll get
their thoughts coming up after the
break, so stay tuned.
The apprentice chef flips switches and swaps out appliances
as Raffi dices produce. Raw ingredients are passed to him
while he cleans the counter with practiced precision.
Looking to Rodney, he carefully counts out 4 yellow
teaspoons of green liquid onto a pile of ground meat and
flips switch number 1.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
But first: When we return, we'll
talk strategy with our teams, to
find out just how they plan to
tickle these famously fickle taste
buds using only the fruits of their
labor.
Loading up a measuring cup, Guidry pours flour into a pile
and cracks an egg. He separates its yolk and adds a single
orange spoonful of spice from a red container.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(pivots)
But it takes more than a flawless
strategy to savor the sweet smell
of success here in the friendly
confines of Culinary Arena. It
takes teamwork.
Following Michael's cue, Gid fills a blue bowl with
ingredients and another batch of liquid is added to the dry
mix, which is then dumped into another mixer. He turns it on
and the attachment twirls his pizza dough into floppy ropes.
INT. ONSTAGE AT CULINARY ARENA - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
To delight our discriminating
diners with their dueling dishes,
one dynamic duo will definitely
have to dig deeper to discover: The
TASTE OF VICTORY!
(pivots)
Don't go anywhere, we'll be right
back after a word from our
sponsors.
The music surges dramatically, lights flash, and the voice
of God speaks.
CONTROL TOWER
'OK everyone, we're back in 3:45.
Doin great G., don't get rattled.'
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
38 -
Culinary Chaos: Tensions Rise
INT. CULINARY ARENA - JUST OFFSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
The veteran actor sits being touched up by hair and make-up.
He angrily throws down his water bottle, startling his
assistant.
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
(to assistant)
I would have punched Shatner in the
dick for THAT bullshit!
CONTROL TOWER
'Kudos to the Long Beach Baking
Company for providing delicious
cookies for everyone to enjoy.
Excellent work, very tasty. What's
going on with Alton's assistant?
Can somebody find his EpiPen?'
Takei and his attendants strain to see the near-pornographic
spectacle.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my!
INT. CULINARY ARENA STUDIO AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS
Competition is in the air, mixed with crinkling cellophane
as the audience enjoys a complimentary snack. Cameramen and
Executives alike smack their lips as they enjoy the Toll-
House goodness.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Undeterred, a cautiously optimistic Team Guidry continues to
grind. Flames dance as elk flank steak is seared on the
grill, and Raffi tosses the protein aside to rest while his
white-knuckled partner chops broccoli, struggling to stay
lucid.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(singing sadly)
There's a lady I know. If I didn't
know her, She'd be the lady...I
didn't know--
Raphael assembles a row of fried taco shells as Guidry
shreds cheese, spreading it atop a tray of unbaked slider
buns. As it passes on it's way to the oven, the burly man
deftly adds a handful of scallions. Smoothly changing
stations, Gid scatters some cornmeal on the countertop
before dumping out his ball of dough.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
39 -
Cookies, Chaos, and Culinary Comedy
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
With Alton Brown making a kabuki mask out of tofu and his
assistant risking an F.C.C. fine for his impromptu bacon-
making, things are looking good for our heroes.
FJ LEWIS
He's doing great! Keep it up
fellas, this just might work.
Mike and Rodney sniff the air like hyenas as a familiar odor
reaches Frank's nostrils.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Do you guys smell that?
From a moving fog bank of smoke, an unmistakable voice calls
out to Frank.
SNOOP
Guess who?
FJ LEWIS
Hey, Uncle Cal!
SNOOP
Have you tried the cookies yet, my
nephew?
In his diamond encrusted digits, he holds half a dozen pre-
wrapped chocolate-chip cookies adorned with his gold-crowned
kisser.
SNOOP'S ASSISTANT
We're trying something new, It's
called viral marketing. The entire
audience got free samples, and we
gave a whole case to the crew. I
left a bunch in the dressing rooms
and out on the craft table.
SNOOP
Shit, muthafuckin' Martha Stewart
ate 3.
SNOOP'S ASSISTANT
I can't understand how she's still
upright.
SNOOP
I wanna hang out with HER.
(lights a spliff)
That chick is a gangsta--
FJ LEWIS
Watch the smoke alarms.
(waves the air)
Hey, can we catch up after the
show?
SNOOP
Fo shizzle my ni--
(pause)
Wait, is that Pam muthafuckin'
Grier?
FJ LEWIS
Yup, and she's single.
Drawing him close in a parting gesture, Snoop replies:
SNOOP
Shit Negro, that's all you had to
say. Looks like your Uncle Calvin's
'bout to go holla at Miss Foxy
Brown.
(pauses)
I'm proud of you, my nephew.
Grinning broadly, The producer daps his rapping relative
before bending the knee.
FJ LEWIS
Thank you--
Choosing the iciest bling, he lifts his uncle's hand and
kisses the ring.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(solemnly)
--Doggfather.
SNOOP
You have my blessing.
The lit Philly in hand, Uncle Calvin puff-puff passes as he
shares his parting thoughts. Toking away, Frank coughs and
returns the blunt, instantly baked.
FJ LEWIS
(eyes watering)
Damn, you always got the best shit
Uncle Cal.
SNOOP
Welcome to the muthafuckin' Chuuch,
nephew!
FJ LEWIS
(mellow)
Huh, I feel like there was
something I was supposed to tell
you--
Unseen chaos breaks out on the nearby stage and the startled
crowd responds with alarm.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Man, I don't know. But we got one
shot to win this, y'know? It's
gonna take a miracle--
A loud, high-pitched equine neigh cuts through the crowd
noise.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
As a feral Wilson Brown manhandles a mounted LAPD officer,
the white stallion whinnies and rears up, and the cop is
thrown from his mount. It trots placidly between uncle and
nephew on it's way to an all-you-can-eat buffet of TV
vegetables.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
SNOOP
(laughing)
You’re all clear kid, now let’s
blow this thing and go home!
The men share deuces and Snoop retreats, floating backward
before vanishing in a cloud of green vapor. His assistants
hand out medicated baked goods to the eager stagehands and
assorted onlookers.
Frank looks over to his production staff. Mike and Rodney
are munching away on their cookies, empty wrappers littering
the floor. One of them attempts to light a fart.
FJ LEWIS
Y'all need Jesus, you know that?
With his jeans en fuego, Rodney swats at his bottom while
Mike reaches for a pitcher of water. Looking skyward, FJ
muses aloud:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I gave up fixing hot tubs for this?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
40 -
Chaos Unleashed: Wilson's Meltdown
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
A naked Wilson the clone holds a security team at bay. His
fake moustache has been relocated to his eyebrow, giving him
a distinctly Cro-Magnon appearance. With tasers at the
ready, the deputies look for an opening.
A heckler's voice shouts from the crowd: 'Don't tase me,
bro!'.
A long pole is brought in with a loop of wire at the end.
The guard slips the noose over Wilson's grunting cranium. As
the snare is pulled, Wilson screeches like a chimpanzee and
flips a folding table. He throws various food items from the
set's huge display with one hand, while cradling the
lipstick-smeared pig with the other.
GEORGE TAKEI
Hey, ya big ape!
The clone pauses his rampage to sniff curiously at a plate
of tasty mollusks, served neatly on the half shell and
topped with green garnish.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You know who has to pay for this
mess?
Unable to resist in his altered state, Neanderthal Brown
reaches hungrily for a briny sample and crams it in his
slobbering maw before tossing the platter like a frisbee. It
startles the horse, who stands grazing at a basket of
cookies.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(to stagehand)
Unbelievable. That was my dinner. I
was gonna eat that--
20 yards away, surrounded by medical personnel, Alton Brown
sits on the studio floor, breathing from an oxygen mask, an
EpiPen protruding from his neck. His eyes widen in terror
and he rips the mask away:
ALTON BROWN
Wilson!
Wilson wipes his mouth with his forearm as he is led away
like Charlton Heston. The frantic Brown tries to rise but is
held in place by paramedics.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Wilson?
Grunting, the caveman clone spots Alton, smiling crookedly
in primitive recognition. Suddenly the clone's expression
freezes and the moustache slides down, dropping from his
nauseous face.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Wilson? Wilson!
Dropping the desecrated swine, red splotches rise in welts
across Wilson's body. He grasps at the restraint as his
throat-pouch swells like a bullfrog.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh MY!
The guard drops the leash's pole and backs away. The
stricken clone's flesh bubbles unnaturally and he staggers,
plunging a hand into a full punchbowl, toppling it.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Son of a bitch! I made that for the
crew!
George removes his belt mic and drops it in disgust,
storming off.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
That's it!
Alton looks on helplessly as his twin de-evolves on stage.
Dripping sangria, the larval clone falls forward into the
display of produce as his pulsating torso begins to swell.
Reaching up, his hand leaves a familiar red palmprint on a
honeydew melon as he rolls to the floor on his back, clawing
frantically at his wire collar. He continues to inflate,
expanding into a splotchy sphere of writhing flesh.
ALTON BROWN
Wilson! WILSON!
Arms and legs reduced to flipper-like appendages, the
transmogrified Wilson is rolled offstage by members of
Alton's entourage to receive medical attention.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(tearfully)
I'm sorry Wilson!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
41 -
Chaos in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
The decorative groceries are hastily rearranged as the panel
of very alarmed judges compose themselves and the restless
crowd settles and the stage lights flicker to life.
CONTROL TOWER
'Can somebody grab the horse?
Where's George, we're back in
fifteen seconds--'
A stage manager assists a publicist in pushing an
uncooperative George Takei back onto the kitchen set.
GEORGE TAKEI
Nimoy wouldn't put up with this--
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Concerned medical staff crowd around the recovering Alton,
checking his vitals. Irritated, he slaps their hands away.
ALTON BROWN
Get off me, I'm FINE.
Dabbing at a nosebleed, the groggy Alton Brown reaches into
his suit pocket, removing 2 capsules which he pops and
swallows dry. As he gains his feet, eyes narrowed and teeth
clenched, the furious man venomously addresses his opponent
across the stage.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Now you've done it, Cloche. If you
want blood--
(snaps fingers)
You've got it.
One of Brown's assistants hands over a metal briefcase.
Opening it, he removes a vial of blue liquid.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
This means WAR!
CONTROL TOWER
'Is George back? Thank God. OK
people, we're back in 5, 4, wait--'
As the recaptured horse is led away by police, a stray cat
gnaws on a spilled oyster.
CONTROL TOWER (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
'Get that cat outta here.'
A grip shoos the noshing feline and it struts away.
GRIP
Scat! Damn cats around here...
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
42 -
Culinary Chaos: A Setback in the Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
The lights dazzle and music swells as we return from
commercial and resume live coverage.
GEORGE TAKEI
Welcome back to a very special
episode of TASTE OF VICTORY.
(MORE)
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) I'm your host
George Takei, coming to you LIVE
from inside Culinary Arena, where a
lot has happened during the
commercial break. Let's check in on
our competitors before we speak to
tonight's celebrity judges.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Working smoothly in tandem, Guidry smears melted butter on
toasted burger buns as Raphael flips his bison patties and
finishes whipping up some bacon jam.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
It appears that Guidry's strategy
of playing second banana is paying
off, and it looks like they'll be
ready to present their dishes to
the panel very soon.
In a peyote-induced fog, the tripping gourmet struggles to
focus as he adds a dash of molasses to his black-currant
compote.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Meanwhile, it looks like this
friendly exhibition has become a
grudge match. While we were away,
Team Brown unexpectedly lost a key
member, as sous chef Wilson was
forced to retire early due to
anaphylactic shock caused by a
shellfish allergy.
Muted gasps of surprise and understanding from the masses.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
At this moment, he's being
transported to the Juicing Unit at
Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, and
the producers would like to send
along our best wishes for a speedy
recovery.
The unsettled crowd murmurs agreeably, accepting the news.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(pivots)
But back here on our kitchen
battlefield, his fearless leader
just won't quit.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
43 -
Mad Culinary Science: The Pumpkin-Bomb Experiment
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
On the stainless steel counter, half a dozen grapefruit-
sized pumpkins lie with their tops lopped off and insides
scooped out. Surrounding the open briefcase, bags and jars
containing strange seeds and dried beetles lie strewn about,
as well as an odd wiggling Brussels sprout.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
It looks like Alton is taking the
setback personally, and is using
his anger as motivation to press
on. I've never seen him this
determined--
Wearing safety gear and working at a frenetic pace, a
muttering Alton uses a mortar and pestle to grind exotic,
alien-looking spices into powder. He scoops and adds the
result to a blender holding a yellow concoction, flipping it
on. The result is a glowing, green sludge.
With an eyedropper, he adds 3 drops of his blue liquid,
generating small poofs of noxious smoke. The deranged man
reconsiders and empties the vial, prompting a miniature
mushroom cloud to rise from the bubbling goop.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Oh my, I'm not quite sure what he's
working on over there: It appears
to be a sweet pea puree, or perhaps
a green tomato gazpacho of some
sort.
Dipping a gloved finger into the Xenomorph blood, it begins
eating away at the rubber as Alton Von Fronkensteen cackles
like a madman. Ditching the disintegrating glove and
grabbing a ladle, he scoops up some liquid mayhem, carefully
filling his pumpkin-bombs.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Served in edible bowls, how clever.
(to camera)
Its a bold plating strategy, lets
see if it pays off for him.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Supervillain Alton shields his eyes with a Doctor Doom-style
mask as he lights a butane torch and caramelizes the sugar
holding the lids of his gourd-grenades in place.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
44 -
Culinary Anticipation and Playful Interactions
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Well, whichever tasty dish he's
preparing, I'm sure the judges can
hardly wait to experience the
explosion of flavors from Team
Alton.
(pivots)
Which means, it's time to speak
with our esteemed panel of
celebrity gourmets and hear their
thoughts on tonight's matchup.
A wave of applause follows as he saunters to the 3-step
judge's platform while continuing his commentary.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Just a reminder: This special LIVE
broadcast is being seen via
satellite in over a hundred
countries around the world and here
in America exclusively on CHEF*TV.
Besties Martha and Gladys share laughter and recipes as The
Chairman approaches. Miss Julia is otherwise occupied,
flirting with her cameraman paramour, tongue in cheek and
motioning with her hand to suggest oral sex.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
To celebrate this special live
season premiere of TASTE OF
VICTORY, the network really went
all out. Because oh my, these new
Hammond appliances are really
spectacular.
(motions to set)
They run on this track in the
middle of the kitchen here. Totally
non-pollutant, top of the line.
Spared no expense.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
45 -
Under the Table Tensions
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE- CONTINUOUS
A muscular arm unexpectedly pops up from beneath the
tablecloth in front of Jules, feeling around the tabletop,
blindly searching for something.
Finding a glass of water, the gasping face of the
unfortunate Chippendale emerges, gulping down the liquid as
it dribbles from his chin.
Breaking a small glass vial, the degenerate Dame puts it to
her sniffer and huffs the amyl nitrate fumes before forcibly
shoving the unfortunate beefcake's head back under the
table.
GEORGE TAKEI
While our 2 teams work feverishly
to perfect their menus, let's take
a moment to share a few words with
our celebrity judges.
George pivots as a musical swell prompts applause.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Good evening ladies, and thank you
so much for agreeing to join us
tonight for this very special
episode of TASTE OF VICTORY. Now,
the 3 of you will decide which team
will come out on top, so let's hear
what you have to say. We'll start
with Martha:
MARTHA STEWART
Nice to see you again, George.
As the host leans in for a TV peck, Martha whispers
discreetly:
MARTHA STEWART (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Just remember, Georgie Boy: Never
rat on your friends, and always
keep your mouth shut.
Rattled, a chastened Georgie Boy nods and continues.
GEORGE TAKEI
So Martha, what is your overall
philosophy when it comes to
throwing a dinner party? Any finer
points you'd like to serve to our
audience?
MARTHA STEWART
The point is, ladies and gentlemen,
that food, for lack of a better
word, is good. Food is right. Food
works. Food clarifies, cuts
through, and captures the essence
of the nutritionary spirit.
(MORE)
MARTHA STEWART (CONT'D) The bottom
line is: Food. Sells. And that's a
GOOD thing.
GEORGE TAKEI
Interesting take, would you care to
elaborate?
MARTHA STEWART
Certainly George. I believe that
food television, in all of its
forms, food TV for advertising, for
ratings, for profit, recreation,
has marked the upward surge in
viewership and food programming,
you mark my words, will not only
save cable television, but that
other malfunctioning corporation
called the USA.
GEORGE TAKEI
Thank you Martha, for that
inspiring and patriotic sentiment.
MARTHA STEWART
(poker face)
Remember what I said, George.
GEORGE TAKEI
I got chills.
(pivots)
And those chills aren't going away
folks, in fact they're multiplying.
Because our next judge is a Grammy-
winning recording artist, singer
and entertainer--
Casually glancing toward the control booth, Martha gently
points her 2 fingers to deliver the 'I'm watching you'
gesture and subtly uses the tasteful French tips to suggest
that someone should button their lip.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
--who knows her way around a
kitchen as well as a recording
studio. We're lucky to have her
with us tonight. Ladies and
gentlemen, Gladys Knight!
Rapturous applause follows.
INT. DRESSING ROOM 2 - CONTINUOUS
Alton's burly bodyguard opens the door, entering before a
testy Betty, who gathers up her riding crop. About to leave
she pauses, bending to pick up a plastic cup and spying
Guidry's peace offering. Intrigued, she sniffs the pitcher's
contents:
BETHANY
Bloody Marys?
BODYGUARD
They're his favorite.
BETHANY
I could go for one. Do you think
he'll mind?
BODYGUARD
Nah. Pour me one while you're at
it.
The pair sit on the loveseat and toast before draining their
cups.
BETHANY
Damn! That was good.
BODYGUARD
(holding cup)
Hit me again.
BETHANY
(raises riding crop)
I thought you'd never ask.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Mystery"]
Ratings
Scene
46 -
A Comedic Introduction to Culinary Icon Julia Child
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE- CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
--that's great news, Gladys! I just
hope with your extensive touring
schedule, that running a restaurant
isn't too taxing.
(pivots)
And now, for the moment you've all
been waiting for.
(dramatic pause)
She's a matriarch of the television
screen, a best-selling author and
cultural icon to untold millions
worldwide. A national treasure
whose very name conjures images of
sophistication and refinement.
A braless Julia Child sits scratching her ear with a salad
fork, taking pictures under her blouse with a flip-phone.
The beleaguered assistant reaches up to snatch it away
before disappearing back under the table.
The confused Jules drops the fork, squirms in her seat and
issues an angry grunt. The assistant's hand reappears
holding a Baby Ruth, which delights and quiets the petulant
Miss Child.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to
you: The Guiding Light of American
gastronomic excellence for a
generation and the single most
important culinary personality of
the Twentieth Century. Eighty-eight
years young, she's sexy, single and
ready to mingle. Please welcome
Miss Julia Child!
Pandemonium reigns as the semi-baked crowd stands in unison
and bathes the doddering degenerate in it's unbridled love.
A curious Jules stops sniffing her brown finger and claps
her hands like a delighted preschooler, waving and blowing
kisses. As the ovation dwindles, the tickled toddler returns
to finger-painting with her chocolate bar and making googly-
eyes with the increasingly mellow camera crew.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(pivots)
Oh my, I'm being told by the
producers that our first segment
ran a little long and we're coming
up against a hard break. So, I'm
afraid tonight we'll have to forgo
the usual small-talk with our final
celebrity judge and get right to
the meat of the matter.
(pivots)
Which means, it's time to find out:
'What's on the Menu?'
The music builds tension as the strobing lights lead George
to his mark.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
47 -
Culinary Showdown: A Spicy Twist
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
A simulated drum roll stokes the manufactured drama.
GEORGE TAKEI
Contestant number one, Guidry
Cloche, tell us: What's on
tonight's menu?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
No sir, not gonna do it. I'm the
assistant. My big man here is gonna
do it all for you fine folks.
GEORGE TAKEI
Very well.
(pivots)
Chef Raphael, please share with us
the carnival of delights you have
in store for our panel.
Wiping his hands with a rag, the proud Crow stands tall and
presents inviting displays of his impeccably-placed grub.
RAPHAEL
Well, first we have some grilled
bison sliders on fresh-baked
Cheddar Bay buns, served with my
Grandmother's bacon jam, sautéed
Montana mushrooms, and a bourbon
and wild mustard reduction.
Raffi's delicious description elicits raised eyebrows from
the judges and hungry rumblings from the masses as a sudden
case of the munchies stirs the stimulated audience.
All 3 women dig in with gusto, savoring the bacon jam.
GEORGE TAKEI
Your team seemed to work well
together out there. Those smell
delicious, and your plating looks
spot-on. Let's see if the judges
agree.
The impressed trio of discriminating women nod in approval.
A beaming Gid senses the positive momentum and nudges the
modest giant. His confidence growing, an encouraged Raffi
moves on to break down his follow-up course as it reaches
the judging table.
RAPHAEL
Next we have some elk loin tacos
served in a flash-fried aspen bark
shell, with a broccoli and prickly
pear chimichurri, topped off with
some organic goat cheese crumbles
from my family's farm and a drizzle
of black-currant compote.
Team Guidry's tacos get an enthusiastic, lip-smacking
response from the judges as well as in the raucous stands.
RAPHAEL (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Be careful with the salsa though.
Don't get it near your eyes, it's
pretty merciless.
With reckless abandon, veteran Spice Lord George Takei
ignores the warning, dips a fingertip into the ramekin and
pops it into his mouth to ride the lightning.
GEORGE TAKEI
(puckers)
Oh my.
RAPHAEL
(nudges Gid)
My assistant's recipe.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
The secret ingredient is Guatemalan
Insanity Pepper.
GEORGE TAKEI
(gasping)
Oh my!
As George seeks relief, the judges lean forward to admire
the final dish as it emerges from the oven, it's steaming
surface bubbling with gooey cheese.
Bellies rumble as the relaxed but peckish crowd shows its
laid-back appreciation.
RAPHAEL
And for our main course, we have
prepared a Native take on America's
favorite comfort food: PIZZA.
As the singular word is uttered, thousands of salivary
glands kick into overdrive, and the famished arena boils
over with approval, craving, and pent-up desire.
RAPHAEL (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Ours features a spicy pumpkin puree
on an artisan whole wheat crust,
hand tossed by my assistant.
A smattering of applause as Gid curtsies daintily, to the
delight of the pickled Miss Child.
GEORGE TAKEI
(sips milk)
What can you tell us about these
rather unorthodox toppings?
RAPHAEL
Well, our pie features what my
people call the '3 sisters'
fundamental to Native American
cooking: squash, corn and beans.
There is also wild onion and fennel
in there, some green chilies, agave
nectar and of course, fresh cheese
from back home.
Cooling on a literal silver platter, Gid pizza-wheels the
delicious-looking flatbread into slices and George brings
the fancy tray over to the judges table.
GEORGE TAKEI
Martha, Gladys, Miss Julia, Chef
Raffi has been kind enough to bring
us a snack.
RAPHAEL
Be my guest. Help yourselves GUIDRY
CLOCHE Get a good one!
GEORGE TAKEI
Well, it looks and smells
fantastic.
(pivots)
Let's get some plates over here for
the judges.
The stage crew scrambles to swap out the plates as the
judge's portions are distributed.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Our celebrity panel will calculate
their scores based on visual
appeal, taste, and overall
originality.
(MORE)
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) Whichever
team has the higher tally at the
end of tonight's LIVE broadcast
will surely know the TASTE OF
VICTORY.
Martha employs the flip and fold technique, while Gladys
nibbles the crust, and Jules jams the slice wholesale into
her pie-hole, cheeks bulging like a chipmunk as she munches
away, grunting in delight.
Meanwhile, George nails another flawless segue.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D)
So, while our judges deliberate,
let's take a moment to check in
with Team Alton.
Genres:
["Comedy","Cooking Show","Competition"]
Ratings
Scene
48 -
Clowning Around in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
George uses the 'moves like Barker' to approach Brown's
laboratory but stops short an inch or 2 out of kicking
distance.
GEORGE TAKEI
Well, the game is certainly afoot
over here on Alton's side of the
kitchen. Because his team is down a
member, the producers have allowed
him 5 additional minutes to
complete his menu. And it appears
that Professor Brown has really
brought his A-game tonight.
(strains to see)
He looks just about ready to remove
some kind of strange--
The busy Alton momentarily blocks his view.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
--THING from the deep freeze.
Wearing a jolly red clown nose, Alton glances at his Omega
Chronostop and checks the temperature reading: -31 degrees.
Satisfied, he uses gloves and tongs to remove a mold from
the sub-zero depths of a MacReady blast freezer.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
So Alton, let's talk turkey: With
your assistant Wilson out of
tonight's contest, what changes
have you made to your strategy?
ALTON BROWN
Well George, I have to laugh
because I've almost out-finessed
myself.
GEORGE TAKEI
And what's with the funny nose?
It's been well-documented that you
and your opponent were once close.
Are you sending some kind of
message to your former colleague?
ALTON BROWN
Right you are, you see: My foe, my
enemy, is a clown. And in order to
conquer him, I have to think like a
clown and whenever possible to look
like one.
GEORGE TAKEI
Fair enough. Now, you and Team
Cloche had a very public falling
out and I've heard that there's
still plenty of bad blood between
you. Given that you 2 know one
another so well, how do you plan to
take him down?
ALTON BROWN
Well George, I had to get inside
this joker's floppy shoes and walk
around for a few days. I asked
myself: Who is the jester's ally,
his friend?
He pulls the mold apart, revealing a rabbit made of gelatin.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
The harmless, friendly rabbit.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my, what a gorgeous aspic de
lapin!
The knowledgeable host informs the curious aspic aficionados
in the audience as he inspects the wobbly varmint.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(pivots)
Aspic is a savory gelatin food made
with a meat stock or consommé, set
in a mold to encase other
ingredients.
ALTON BROWN
(to rabbit)
I'm going to use you to do my dirty
work for me.
The deranged Alton Spackler jams a blasting cap into the
bunny's jiggly backside and cackles as he places it in a top
hat on a platter surrounded by root vegetables.
GEORGE TAKEI
Now traditionally, these dishes
often include pieces of meat,
seafood or eggs.
(squints)
In this case, it looks like--
ALTON BROWN
(ranting)
To win, you must know your enemy,
and in this case my enemy is a
clown, and a clown will never quit,
ever.
GEORGE TAKEI
--Nails and broken glass?
(pivots)
Oh my, what an interesting contrast
in textures!
ALTON BROWN
(raving)
They're like the Viet-Clown. So you
have to fall back on superior
firepower and superior
intelligence--
GEORGE TAKEI
So Alton, what about your third
dish? Don't leave us in suspense.
ALTON BROWN
--and that's all she wrote.
GEORGE TAKEI
We've already seen your soup course
and now your entrée, so I'm
compelled to ask: Have you whipped
up one of your signature desserts
for our judges to enjoy?
ALTON BROWN
(evil grin)
But of course--
Brown drops a tangled bundle of detonating cord, and from a
lower shelf, produces a shiny covered dish.
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
A proper dessert is one of life's
finer pleasures.
He cracks open the domed lid an inch, offering a tantalizing
glimpse of the glowing treat: A flash of pink frosting, a
hint of festive sprinkles.
Curious, George ventures a guess as to the contents.
GEORGE TAKEI
Is that what I think it is?
ALTON BROWN
You're a bright boy, George. Don't
you know anything?
GEORGE TAKEI
I mean, I've heard the rumors.
ALTON BROWN
This particular recipe was
perfected in the late 1950's by
bakers working for the KGB.
GEORGE TAKEI
A riddle, wrapped in a mystery,
inside a ring of fried dough.
ALTON BROWN
A snack so diabolically sweet it
immediately sends the target into
an irreversible diabetic coma.
GEORGE TAKEI
That's just an urban legend.
ALTON BROWN
I hold in my hands the only
confection designated as a weapon
of war by the United Nations.
GEORGE TAKEI
(lifts cover)
I'm sorry, but we cannot serve this
dish to our guests.
Brown snaps the lid shut and snatches the tray away.
ALTON BROWN
Really? Why is that?
GEORGE TAKEI
The manufacture or use of
weaponized pastry is illegal in the
State of California. So, what
you're holding there is:
(pause)
A forbidden donut.
ALTON BROWN
Fine, whatever.
(to self)
Revenge is a dish best served cold
anyway, and your wide behind won't
save you this time, Cloche.
GEORGE TAKEI
And what if you don't finish the
last bite?
ALTON BROWN
Why don't you go share it with the
judges and find out?
GEORGE TAKEI
I'm afraid you're risking
disqualification. The rules clearly
state that you must present 3
courses to the judges.
ALTON BROWN
Well then, it's a good thing I
remembered my Boy Scout training
and prepared a back-up dessert just
in case.
Brown pulls open the refrigerator, producing a tray of
lovely chocolate confections wrapped in delicate foil.
GEORGE TAKEI
Those look scrumptious.
ALTON BROWN
It's an old British favorite.
GEORGE TAKEI
How did you prepare these
delicious-looking morsels?
The mad chef verbally dissects the sweetmeats for the
uninitiated.
ALTON BROWN
Well first: I use only the finest
baby frogs, dew picked and flown in
from Tampa, cleansed in finest
quality spring water, lightly
killed, and then sealed in a
succulent Swiss quintuple smooth
treble cream milk chocolate
envelope and lovingly frosted with
glucose.
GEORGE TAKEI
Crunchy frog? What a rare treat!
Well done, sir.
The naughty host tries to swipe one, but his hand is slapped
down by a scowling Brown.
ALTON BROWN
They're for the judges. Now beat
it, I've got a salami I've got to
hide.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my!
(pivots)
Well, it looks like yours truly is
feeling the heat, so I'd better get
out of the kitchen.
George skedaddles and swiftly returns to his mark.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE TAKEI
Who will prevail in this high-
stakes pressure cooker? Which
team's dish will blow away the
judges?
(pivots)
Stay with us, as we find out who's
got the chops to make it to the top
on tonight's special LIVE edition
of TASTE OF VICTORY!
Stage lights flare randomly and the music cue skips, but the
transition is made. The control booth is not pleased.
CONTROL TOWER
'Easy there, fellas. We're almost
home, don't get sloppy on me now.
(giggle)
Way to get us back on course Sulu.'
GEORGE TAKEI (OFF MIC)
It never ends.
CONTROL TOWER
'Has anyone seen Betty?'
INT. DRESSING ROOM 2 - CONTINUOUS
A riding crop rests precariously balanced on an empty
pitcher. Used cups hold playing cards in a jumble on the
floor. Seated on the loveseat in Lotus position, Earth
Mother Betty raises her plastic chalice to slurp the ice.
Wearing an earpiece and Aviators, the Hindu goddess Parvati
gently strokes the hair of the infantile bodyguard, who lies
curled in fetal position on her lap, sucking his thumb.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
49 -
A Floury Bond
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Bewildered and covered in flour, a drained Guidry begins to
slowly regain his faculties. Leaning on Raffi, he asks:
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Are we there yet?
RAPHAEL
Almost. It's up to the judges now.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Good. You put on your black dress,
and I'll go shave my tongue.
Realizing his buddy is still not quite all there, Raphael
comforts him by resting his enormous paw on Guidry's
shoulder.
RAPHAEL
I'm proud of you, brother. You
kicked ass out there tonight.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
WE.
RAPHAEL
Huh?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(drowsy)
We. We kicked ass tonight. (pause)
I love you, man.
Momentarily caught off guard by the warm sentiment, Raffi
responds, shaking his head and chuckling.
RAPHAEL
I bet you say that to all the boys.
Just hang in there bubby, I'll find
us some coffee.
Grinning, the taller man wraps his bear-sized arms around
his bleary-eyed partner in an affectionate hug.
RAPHAEL (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Besides, it's too soon. I mean,
you're sweet, but technically this
is only our second date.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
50 -
The Calm Before the Culinary Storm
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
With the show in commercial break, the cadre of powerful
women are bored, feeling the effects of the tedious shoot
and plentiful cookies. A very relaxed Martha and Gladys talk
shop:
AUNT GLADYS
I see, so you're saying I should
incorporate in Panama but keep the
P.O. Box in the Cayman Islands--
MARTHA STEWART
It's going to be a--
(snaps fingers)
--piece of cake, friend.
AUNT GLADYS
Bless your heart, Martha.
MARTHA STEWART
My pleasure, dear. Come out to the
Hamptons next week, I'll introduce
you to Bernie.
Her area littered with cookie wrappers and crumbs, Miss
Child sits with her head upraised, snoring loudly as her
handlers enjoy a smoke and a brief respite.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
A nervous FJ paces like an expectant father.
FJ LEWIS
This is it. Last segment.
With Uncle Cal's cookies in full effect, his 2 protégés are
finding their own ways to de-stress.
Having flashed their final UNO card instructions, Mike
practices spitting his gum into the air and catching it,
while Rodney fidgets and experiments with turning his
eyelids inside out.
Frank spies on the competition, waiting impatiently for
Alton to tip his hand.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
What's he up to?
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
With his dishes submitted and wearing a newly-altered
sleeveless version of his tweed wardrobe, Alton goes
Commando.
Squeezing the ink from a flaccid squid into his palm, he
streaks his bare arms and face in a jagged zig-zag pattern.
Nearby, his low-tech arsenal of knives and food-based
explosives waits at the ready.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
51 -
Chaos in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Frank soon puts 2 and 2 together.
FJ LEWIS
Oh shit, Homey ain't playing.
His concern quickly changes to panicked anxiety as the
potential for mass casualties becomes clear.
FJ waves at security, bouncing up and down, hoping to warn
others of the impending danger.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(to self)
Crazy white dudes can't be bought,
bullied, reasoned, or negotiated
with--
He pulls out his phone, dialing quickly and raising it to
his ear.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(mumbles)
--Fools like that just want to
watch the world burn.
Frank waits for an answer as the security team approaches,
tasers and batons in hand. Their serious demeanor does not
bode well for the black producer.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Hey officers, am I glad to--
Frank's arm is yanked behind his back and his phone goes
flying, skittering to a halt near a shocked Mike and Rodney.
He calls out to his guys as he is dragged away:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Tell Aunt Gladys--
Mike picks up the phone. Brimming with righteous
indignation, the pair are stirred to action.
MICHAEL
What the hell? He didn't do
anything wrong!
RODNEY
Man, fuck the police!
MICHAEL
You heard him, go let her know what
happened. I know who to call.
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
In the last moments before the broadcast resumes, Rodney
explains the situation to a ticked-off Aunt Gladys. After a
few choice words, the songstress issues a few terse commands
and Hot Rod departs. Concerned, Martha leans in to get the
skinny from Gladys, who shakes her head angrily.
CONTROL TOWER
'Ladies and gentlemen--'
(giggle)
'--The Captain has turned on
the Fasten Seat Belt sign.'
A wayward fly buzzes around Julia Child's open mouth as she
snores. She waves at it, annoyed as it finally lands right
between her eyes.
CONTROL TOWER (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
'Make sure your seatback and
folding trays are in their full
upright position.'
Jules opens her peepers, staring at the fly, cross-eyed and
furious. Swinging wildly with a balled-up fist, Miss Child
connects with a haymaker squarely to her own forehead,
jostling the table and rattling glasses.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
52 -
Chaos in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
George stands on his mark with his fingers pinched to the
bridge of his nose.
GEORGE TAKEI
This job is definitely not worth
eleven-five an episode.
CONTROL TOWER
'Oh, right. 5, 4, blah blah blah.'
The banks of colored lights are no longer syncopated and the
wrong musical sting brings the show back up to speed. The
medicated crowd rouses itself to a modicum of awareness,
clapping halfheartedly to George's reprise.
GEORGE TAKEI
Welcome back, we are coming to you
LIVE from Culinary Arena, where in
a matter of moments, the judges
will render their final verdict in
the case of Brown versus Cloche,
former friends turned bitter
rivals, each competing for a TASTE
OF VICTORY!
(pivots)
The judges have already scored the
menu put together by Team Guidry
Cloche, so now it's time to ask his
opponent: 'What's on the Menu?'
The crew freestyles with the lights and transition music,
creating a cool psychedelic atmosphere as we resume the
proceedings.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Contestant number 2, Alton Brown,
tell us: What's on tonight's menu?
What is the first concerto in your
Symphony of Consumption.
ALTON BROWN
We'll start with our soup course.
Now, this appetizer will really
grab you. I call it 'Spinach and
artichoke bisque ala Xenomorph'. It
kind of forces it's way down the
throat and swims around in your
tummy. Please, enjoy!
MARTHA STEWART
And the handy pumpkin bowl makes it
easy to eat healthy while you're
picking up the kids from school.
GEORGE TAKEI
So creative and eco-friendly.
Major bonus points in my book.
The 2 younger women use spoons and butter knives in an
attempt to pry off the sugar-crusted lids, but to no avail.
Meanwhile, Julia is ignoring her soup, instead trying to fit
her entire fist into her mouth. She succeeds.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Satire"]
Ratings
Scene
53 -
Culinary Chaos: The Poisoned Broth Showdown
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY CLOCHE
No way that stuff is edible.
Having seen the effects of the deadly broth, Raffi
formulates a way to warn the masses.
RAPHAEL
This is attempted murder, we gotta
do something--
Scouring the TASTE OF VICTORY's castle-themed set, Raffi
rumbles over to one of the arena's battle-themed displays.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
That stuff's not real, Robin Hood.
Drawing back the English longbow, the big man inhales
smoothly as he nocks the shaft and lines up his shot.
RAPHAEL
Oh, it's real.
The field point cleanly skewers all 3 pumpkins, embedding
itself in Wilson's unfortunate pig.
RAPHAEL (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
And it will KEEL.
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
The leaking soup streams from the perforated pumpkins and
starts eating through the countertop, prompting Miss Child's
assistant to flee semi-clothed from under the table, with
the naked Chippendale close behind.
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
With Plan-A unceremoniously foiled, the homicidal Brown digs
into his pocket, pulling out a remote control.
ALTON BROWN
Oh well, I guess it's time for the
main course.
He extends the antenna as the authorities surround the
stage. Flipping switches on his blinking dead man's switch,
he growls menacingly:
ALTON BROWN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
What's up, Doc?
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Inside the gelatinous bunny, the blasting cap blinks red.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
54 -
The Bomb Bunny Dilemma
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
The bomb squad arrives on scene and assesses the situation.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
Where's the bomb?
STAGEHAND
(points)
There!
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
What, behind the rabbit?
CAMERAMAN
It is the rabbit.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
You silly stoners!
CAMERAMAN
What?
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
You got everybody all worked up!
STAGEHAND
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
CAMERAMAN
You'd better not risk a frontal
assault, that rabbit is literally
dynamite.
STAGEHAND
It's got a detonator shoved up its
behind.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
You pussies, I nearly pissed my
Kevlar I was so scared!
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Frozen with fear, the petrified stars and crew watch in
helpless terror as the police move forward cautiously.
ALTON BROWN
Don't come any closer.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my, it's the Kobayashi Maru all
over again!
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
Are you telling me that 20 of our
best men against you is a no-win
situation for the LAPD?
ALTON BROWN
You send that many, don't forget
one thing.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
What?
ALTON BROWN
A good supply of doggy bags--
Alton mashes the button, expecting carnage. When none
arises, he turns around, throws up his hands, and whacks his
detonator a couple of times in an attempt to trigger the
blast before the blinking suddenly starts again.
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
It's red light still flashing as it jiggles in the top hat,
the rabbit of mass destruction sinks, along with the
tablecloth and place settings, into the hole left by the
alien soup and onto the floor.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
55 -
Culinary Chaos and Mysterious Figures
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
The officers stand around Alton with their hands on his
shoulders in brotherly support. One scribbles in his ticket
book.
ALTON BROWN
Damn it!
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
The important thing is you tried,
and that's a crime.
ALTON BROWN
I never should have trusted the
'Insurrectionist's Cookbook'.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
But no one actually got hurt, so
just take this and we'll call it
even.
Johnny Law hands Alton a WRITTEN WARNING and as he reaches
to shake his hand, the officer whispers:
OFFICER BUZZCUTT (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Me and the boys are actually big
fans.
ALTON BROWN
It's been a privilege.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Music: 'Thus spoke Zarathustra' by Richard Strauss As it
rests behind yellow CAUTION tape, the attending cops hover
mesmerized by the world's most malevolent donut like
hominids around a monolith.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Michael and Rodney wheel a mysterious figure through the
backstage insanity using a repurposed flower cart. Stopped
by security just shy of the stage curtains, the pair keel
over panting, out of breath. Their passenger disembarks and
staggers forward right past the distracted tribe of
Angelinopithicus Brutalis.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
56 -
Culinary Chaos: The Not-So-Dead Reunion
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Wearing a sour face, Guidry sips a distasteful Rain Forest
Blend while Raffi savors his Frappuccino.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Ew. God damn it, Raff.
RAPHAEL
What's your problem?
(MORE)
RAPHAEL (CONT'D) I thought
Starbucks was some serious gourmet
shit!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I would've been satisfied with some
freeze-dried Taster's Choice,
alright? And the next time you
decide to spring this 'serious
gourmet' shit on me, don't!
(sniffs cup)
What flavor is this?
RAPHAEL
Hey, look who's back--
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
A grateful Alton offers Officer Buzzcutt the tray of Whizzo
Chocolate Company's best seller.
ALTON BROWN
Why don't you take these back to
the station for the boys.
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
Finally, somebody who gets it!
(wearily)
What we're dealing with these days
is a complete lack of respect for
the law.
ALTON BROWN
Y'know, you should probably go
arrest Cloche over there.
(pointing)
He drugged my assistant and I.
(emotional)
He killed my precious--
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE RIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Shrouded by a white towel, a splotchy Wilson Brown shuffles
onstage, his raspy yet friendly voice scruffy and
unrecognizable as he croaks:
WILSON
I'm not dead.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my!
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
OFFICER BUZZCUTT
What?
ALTON BROWN
Nothing.
WILSON
I'm not dead!
MARTHA STEWART
He says he's not dead.
ALTON BROWN
Yes he is.
WILSON
I'm not.
AUNT GLADYS
He isn't.
ALTON BROWN
Well, he might be soon. He's very
ill.
WILSON
I'm getting better.
ALTON BROWN
No you're not, you'll be--
(pause)
Wilson?
WILSON
Precious?
ALTON BROWN
Wilson! Oh my darling, I thought
I'd lost you.
Dropping his warrior façade, Alton abandons his garrison and
rushes to embrace his twin brother from absolutely no
Mother.
GEORGE TAKEI
A touching scene to be sure, but
unless Team Brown presents a third
dish to the judges, they'll be
disqualified.
ALTON BROWN
I couldn't care less about this
silly show. I just wanted to
humiliate Guidry, and I've failed
at that.
GEORGE TAKEI
Silly? You take that back. Our show
is a serious competition--
WILSON
You know, sometimes when you win--
Alton raises a finger to quiet his double.
ALTON BROWN
Food isn't competitive. Food is
subjective by it's very nature. I
believe it was the Roman poet and
philosopher Titus Lucretius who
first coined the expression: 'One
man's meat is another man's poison'
in the first century BC--
GEORGE TAKEI
So, are you saying you quit?
The audience is rabid with anticipation from the roller-
coaster combination of live television and possible death or
dismemberment.
Wilson removes the towel from around his neck and tosses it.
It lands at George's feet.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You're throwing in the towel and
heading back to Atlanta?
ALTON BROWN
Oh, we're leaving--
WILSON
Leaving.
ALTON BROWN
--On a midnight train to Georgia.
WILSON
Yeah.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my, it appears one of our teams
will not be presenting the required
number of dishes.
(MORE)
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D)
We'll have to get a ruling from the
producers.
INT. CULINARY ARENA STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
The blood brothers sit on a stair, drinking coffee and
comparing hand sizes.
GEORGE TAKEI (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen your winner is
Team Cloche!
The entire arena convulses with roaring applause. The
winners have to shout to hear one another.
RAPHAEL
Hey man, you won!
Setting down the java, Gid stands and leans over, cupping
his hand to bend his friend's ear.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I told you, no I didn't.
(smootch)
We did.
INT. CULINARY ARENA JUDGE'S TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Frank approaches the Judge's table rubbing his wrists. He
kneels and Aunt Gladys hugs her nephew as another, older
black man joins them, grasping hands and sharing kisses on
the cheek.
FJ LEWIS
Man, that was some bullshit--
AUNT GLADYS
Thank goodness my lawyer was in
town.
INT. CULINARY ARENA CENTER STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Rising unaided to join in the festivities, Jules grabs a
flute of champs and in a clear, strong voice, she makes her
declaration to the world.
JULIA CHILD
Hey everybody-- We're all gonna get
laid!
INT. CULINARY ARENA - CONTINUOUS
Confetti rains down in the aftermath as the euphoric crowd
celebrates. The joyful masses flood the set, munchies
overtaking them as they descend on the TV smorgasbord like
the living dead, devouring anything remotely edible.
Guarding a glowing artifact under a dome of shiny silver, a
phalanx of stone-faced LAPD stand behind riot shields with
guns drawn to protect their sacred object.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
57 -
Heartbreak and Betrayal in the Culinary Arena
INT. CULINARY ARENA - STAGE LEFT - CONTINUOUS
Leaving the winning chef to enjoy the accolades and
interviews, Gid scans the vast filming location and it's
undulating sea of humanity.
With a gasp, he spots a familiar face attached to a
breathtaking figure.
Music: 'Never Tear Us Apart' by INXS
Guidry's queen appears vulnerable yet she stands aloof,
achingly unapproachable.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(to self)
Oh Pammy, it was all my fault.
He waves in vain to the cocoa Goddess.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I mean, I let the days go by. That
couldn't have been easy on you.
(sigh)
I couldn't change, though I wanted
to.
Suddenly, another familiar face starts getting very familiar
with Miss Grier. A bejeweled hand raises Pamela's delicate
digits to meet Uncle Cal's smiling lips.
Music: 'What's My Name Pt.2' by Snoop Dogg GUIDRY CLOCHE
(CONT'D) That dirty Dogg!
With his Venus properly enchanted, Snoop raises the
ceremonial pimp cup and the handsome duo glide smoothly to
the exit, floating aloft on a cushion of reefer smoke.
Finally free at last, Frank stands clapping as Johnny
Cochrane and Aunt Gladys hold court entertaining the masses.
Spying his uncle across the arena, he looks over to Gid with
hands upturned, wearing a 'whaddaya gonna do' expression.
A crestfallen Guidry Cloche waves away the romantic
thievery.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Ah, they deserve each other--
Amid the singing and gorging of the mob, Guidry hears a
familiar male voice complaining. He spots the back of a
white tuxedo jacket, a faint red stain still visible.
MAN (ON PHONE)
(irked)
I mean, she was here one minute,
and BAM! Now she's gone.
As Gid closes the distance between them, the anonymous MAN
continues:
MAN (ON PHONE) (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I mean, there's a plane waiting for
us to take us to Miami in an hour,
all right? She made a big thing
about it--
The betrayal complete, Gid slaps the man's phone away and
spins him around, warmly hugging his disloyal consigliere
like a brother. Breaking the embrace, Guidry Corleone pauses
before he forcefully grabs Judas on both sides of the face
and kisses him - Sicilian style. It is the kiss of death on
his lips.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I know it was you, Emeril. You
broke my heart. You broke my heart!
Frightened, Emeril frees himself, breaks away, and stumbles
back into the emptying rows of seats. Pyrotechnics are
discharged above, and everyone is reveling in the aisles.
Halfway to the exit, he turns back to face Don Cloche's
flinty gaze.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You're nothing to me now. You're
not a brother, you're not a friend.
I don't want to know you or what
you do. You understand?
Reaching the double-doors, a tearful Emeril pauses to extend
a hand to his former friend.
EMERIL
(wistful)
We'll always have Tampa.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Tampa? How dare you bring that up.
(raises finger gun)
How'd you like to go fishing,
Fredo?
Fredo Lagasse disappears in a fresh wave of departing
spectators.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Next time I'm gonna take your
cannolis!
Genres:
["Drama","Crime","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
58 -
Post-Gala Shenanigans
EXT. CHEF*TV STUDIO PARKING LOT - LATER
Outside the velvet ropes of the studio entrance, the red
carpet is being rolled up, and as lights from the gala
event's media coverage are being taken down, florists gather
up the remnants of their colorful handiwork.
The doors burst open and Alton's former bodyguard carries
his Mistress Boss Bitch Betty to her chariot. Arriving at
her car door, he gently lowers her to the ground. Using her
riding crop and a leash, she leads him around to the trunk.
She pops the boot and he compliantly climbs inside.
Betty returns smiling to the driver's seat. Her lights pop
on, and she turn-signals before blending into L.A. traffic.
Next to a malfunctioning light pole, 2 well-dressed vandals
in matching bow-ties resume defacing the white CHEF*TV van.
Guidry's face now has a shiner, a Charlie Chaplin moustache,
and a missing tooth.
Team Guidry emerges into the night air, sporting a few new
members. A pair of stagehands wave as George Takei departs.
GEORGE TAKEI
Hey, sorry about that 'slobs'
thing. -Good night, Ralph. I mean,
no offense. -See you tomorrow, Sam.
You know I just read the
teleprompter, right?
As Guidry adjusts Rodney's Vulcan Nerve Pinch, Alton and
Wilson attempt to flatten the van's tire using a melon-
baller.
The approaching party catches the conspirators in the act,
so the dapper phantoms call out as they retreat to gloat in
the flickering darkness.
ALTON BROWN
Well, well, you actually made it to
the end. Sorry, Cloche, but you
brought this on yourself!
FJ LEWIS
Oh man! We're gonna have to get
that washed off.
WILSON
Muwahaha! We are bringers of
destruction and doom, your feeble
foodie powers are no match for us!
The shadowy figure lobs a can of spray-paint at Guidry,
missing badly as it clatters to the asphalt.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(Uecker-izes)
Just a bit outside!
RAPHAEL
Foodie powers?
ALTON BROWN
In food science, hitting next to
the target is the essence of--
(pause)
Oh hey there, George.
GEORGE TAKEI
Eat a bag of dicks, Brown.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(gently)
Go easy on him, Sulu.
GEORGE TAKEI
(warning)
Don't start with that again--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
He nearly lost the one person in
this world every celebrity truly
loves.
Takei considers and nods in agreement.
As the diabolical duo melt away into the seedy underbelly of
Los Angeles, a worn-out George shakes Frank's hand before
walking to meet a waiting limo.
GEORGE TAKEI
Nice teamwork out there, gentlemen.
RAPHAEL
It's an honor to meet you. Thanks
for the autograph, Mr. Takei.
GEORGE TAKEI
You're very welcome.
(stares at Gid)
Call me George.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
It is logical. The needs of the
many outweigh the needs of the few.
RODNEY
Or the one.
GEORGE TAKEI
(rubs temple)
Fucking nerds---
MICHAEL
(waves signed photo)
My dad says you're a role model.
He's a huge fan.
GEORGE TAKEI
Give him my best.
(to all)
I'm off to meet Walt and Nichelle
and unfortunately I'm late. So to
paraphrase a dear friend, it's
been--
(raises eyebrow)
Fascinating.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(scoffs)
Highly illogical.
FJ LEWIS
That too.
Wearing Spock ears, Rodney raises his hand in the Galactic
greeting as Mike facepalms.
RODNEY
'Live long and prosper'.
GEORGE TAKEI
Oh my, do shut up.
(to driver)
Beverly Hilton, and step on it.
The door closes and the stretch Caddy roars off.
INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS
Inside the car, George wants to take the edge off.
GEORGE TAKEI
(to himself)
I need a drink-- (to driver)
What have you got back here? (searches limo)
Where's the Scotch?
Disappointed, he leans back holding a slim, clear bottle.
GEORGE TAKEI (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
--Zima?
(opens bottle)
Oy gevalt, what a week I'm having!
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
59 -
The Road Trip Rally
EXT. CHEF*TV STUDIO PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
They watch the limo pull away from the abandoned promenade.
The triumphant host rallies his band of merry men once more.
Huddling up in interlocking arms, Guidry addresses his
troops:
GUIDRY CLOCHE
So, we have some exciting news. Our
Big Toe over here agreed to hit the
road with us.
RODNEY
Yeah, he's down. You down, Mike?
MICHAEL
Totally down. You down, Paul
Bunion?
RAPHAEL
I guess so.
FJ LEWIS
This again?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Oui! I mean: Si.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) He's down.
What are you waiting for,
Hollywood?
FJ LEWIS
Am I down? I mean, the show's over.
An outraged Guidry untangles from the scrum and breaks the
circle of trust as he assumes command like General Patton
channeling Senator Blutarsky.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
What? Over? Did you say 'over'?
Nothing is over until we decide it
is! C'mon, Frank! Are you down to
crisscross this beautiful country
of ours in a rented van?
FJ LEWIS
I mean, sure. That's the job.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Invading every state in the union
like the Germans in World War 2?
FJ LEWIS
GERMANS?--
RAPHAEL
Forget it, he's rolling.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Are you prepared to subliminally
infect the airwaves with our own
particular brand of EVIL?
FJ LEWIS
'Evil'?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Or until we're all DEAD in a fiery
car crash, and our bodies are burnt
to ASH?
FJ LEWIS
'Dead'? Did you say 'Car crash'?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
What do you say, Hollywood? Are you
in?
Michael, Rodney, and Guidry look at their companion
expectantly. Raphael stands grinning and sipping his
Frappuccino.
FJ LEWIS
Y'know, when you put it that way--
MICHAEL
Well?
FJ LEWIS
I heard him.
RODNEY
You coming with us?
FJ LEWIS
Stop twisting my arm, you 2.
Frank takes a deep breath, sighs and makes his decision.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(dejected)
I just got a call about the
overnight test screenings, all
right?
He points at Guidry and declares:
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(with conviction)
You son of a bitch. I'm in.
The gang high 5s and cheers. Meanwhile, the reviews are in.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
The responses have been great. We
might just have a hit on our hands,
gentlemen!
GUIDRY CLOCHE
GROOVY.
Hot Rod nudges Mike, offering:
RODNEY
We should celebrate with a hunt.
MICHAEL
Seriously? Stay out of the Zoo,
you're gonna violate your
probation--
FJ LEWIS
And for the last time, stop calling
me Hollywood.
(reconsiders)
You know what? Fuck it, go ahead.
(MORE)
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D) Call me
HOLLYWOOD.
The huge brown man considers, releases the straw and shakes
his head grimly.
RAPHAEL
(stern disappointment)
Poseur. Sold out already. (smiles)
Just kidding, Hollywood!
MICHAEL
Hollywood. Damn straight.
(broadcasting voice)
'We'd like to bring in
Entertainment correspondent Rodney
Neumann, live on the scene. Take it
away, Hot Rod'--
RODNEY
Thank you, Michael Kusama. Doing a
great job as always holding it down
back in the studio.
(interviewing Gid)
Is there anything you'd like to say
to 'Hollywood', Mr. Cloche?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Why, yes. Yes there is:
As busy food service employees carry out the decimated craft
table and pack up their few remaining provisions, Guidry
stalks over and grabs 2 loaves of French bread.
FJ LEWIS
Oh, this ought to be good. I can't
wait to hear this.
The host returns, pacing in a circle before angrily throwing
a baguette. Spreading his arms wide, he pleads:
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Are you not entertained? Are you
NOT entertained? Is this not why
you are here?
The host throws down the other loaf and spits in disgust
before addressing the camera.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Hello 'Hollywood'.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) My name is
Guidry Cloche, and I'm the star of
television's hottest new show, and
there's nothing you can do about
it. So, I ask you:
(approaches the camera)
WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?
CUT TO BLACK
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
60 -
Reflections on the Sunset Strip
INT. CHEF*TV VAN - LATER
FJ LEWIS
Great job tonight, Hot Rod.
Gathering his backpack Rodney exits the van, sliding the
rear door closed.
RODNEY
Nothin' to it, boss!
Frank pulls away from the curb and waves to Rodney's
horrified parents, giving the furious Neumann family a
thumbs-up as he and Guidry depart.
FJ LEWIS
(mortified)
Oh man. We're really gonna have to
get that washed off.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - LATER
The Sunset Strip is alive with pedestrians enjoying the
nightlife. People point at Guidry's Hitleresque mug as the
disfigured van crawls through traffic.
Music: 'Lust For Life' by Iggy Pop A group of Mohawk-wearing
punks stroll the Walk of Fame carrying a boom box, smoking
cigarettes and sharing a beer. They pause on Martin
Scorsese's star as der Führer's van creeps by.
The punks show their appreciation for the aesthetic by
dousing it in beer as it passes, shouting:
PUNK
Fuck off, Nazi!
INT. CHEF*TV VAN - CONTINUOUS
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(cracks window)
It's CHARLIE CHAPLIN, ya parasites!
FJ LEWIS
(concern)
Oh man! We're REALLY gonna have to
get that washed off--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Go back to your drum circle! Dirty
hippies.
(mutters)
Where's my Slayer CD?
FJ LEWIS
You wanna go back to the
afterparty?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
(closes window)
I'd rather put salt in my eyes than
face those people.
FJ LEWIS
'Those people'?
(chuckles)
Well, first of all: Never, ever put
salt in your eyes. And second:
Where are you staying tonight?
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I gave Raffi my usual suite at The
Chateau Marmont, if Charlie Sheen
hasn't trashed it again.
FJ LEWIS
You know, you could crash at my
place, meet the wife--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Nah, I appreciate it.
(pause)
Y'know, drop me off at the Rainbow.
I owe Lemmy a rematch.
Frank's cellphone rings and he answers promptly.
FJ LEWIS (PHONE)
This is Frank? Uh-huh.
(pause)
Cảm ơn bạn. Chúng tôi sẽ chấp nhận
các khoản phí.
SUBTITLE: Thank you. We'll accept the charges.
He nods and looks to a speechless Guidry Cloche. Covering
the phone he explains.
FJ LEWIS (CONT'D)
I told you, I've got a big family.
FJ returns to the call as Guidry smiles at his companion in
quiet admiration.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Lots of aunts and uncles.
FJ LEWIS (PHONE)
Uh-huh.
(pause)
He is.
(pause)
Sure, just a second.
(extends his hand)
It's for you. Long distance.
I think it's your lawyer.
Warily, Guidry uses a fast-food napkin to handle the device
like a used sex toy, holding it several inches from his ear.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (PHONE)
(bluster)
Listen Wang, I told you, the
check's in the mail!
(pause)
Who? Look, if this is about that
copyright infringement thing, now
is not the time.
(pause)
I'll have you know--
Frank's eyebrows go up along with Guidry's blood pressure.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(angrily)
I'll have you KNOW that satire is
implicitly protected by the free
expression clause of the 1st Amen--
(pause)
Coyote? As in: Wile E. Coyote?
As a confused FJ looks on, a hoodwinked Guidry grins.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (PHONE) (CONT'D)
(CONT'D)
Oh MAN, you got me. I should have
known that was you. What's up
Maestro?
(pause)
You did? On satellite?
(pause)
Yeah, I heard. C'mon, I knew that
was bullshit.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D)
(pause)
By hand? I bet it did. No thanks.
(pause)
A sewing needle? Fuck that. You're
a better man than I am, Gunga Din.
Guidry glances over to Frank, whose surprised expression
contains a glimmer of understanding.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (PHONE) (CONT'D)
(CONT'D)
I told you, he's the real deal.
Total pro.
(pause)
Haha! I know, right?
(grins at FJ)
Like a well-oiled machine.
(pause)
Thanks, man. So, how you feeling,
Jersey boy?
(pause)
Gid turns to gently lean against
the window. Speaking quietly, his
voice is supportive and sincere.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (PHONE) (CONT'D)
(CONT'D)
Don't bullshit me.
(sigh)
You know what I mean, how are you?
(long pause)
Good. One day at a time.
(pause)
Nah, it works better this way.
(chuckles)
C'mon, it's like wrestling, but
with food. Think of the ratings,
Kaufman would've loved it!
(pause)
Me? Ha! You're the babyface. You
can turn heel next season.
(pause)
All right, I'll see you when you
get back. Yup.
(MORE)
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) Be safe, and
hey! Try and avoid another 48 hour
layover.
(pause)
I love you too, Mijo. Bye.
The call ends and Frank, thoroughly amused, reclaims his
phone as Guidry rolls down the window to get some air.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D)
(grinning)
What a mensch.
FJ LEWIS
I don't know who that was, and at
this point I'm too afraid to ask.
But I have a pretty good idea--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
What? Don't act surprised. I used
to eat at Les Halles all the time.
FJ LEWIS
He's a talented dude, I just--
GUIDRY CLOCHE
I've known him for ages, told my
agent about his manuscript.
FJ LEWIS
I mean, he's your competition.
GUIDRY CLOCHE
Competition? No sir. He's--
(dramatic pause)
He was a...a good friend.
(emotional)
At a time in my life when I really
needed one, y'know?
Frank does indeed know, silently sharing the bittersweet
moment before offering his partner the napkin. Guidry
accepts, reaching up to dab a tear and adding brightly:
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I mean really, how can you not love
that guy? As far as I'm concerned--
As the van merges onto the freeway, Guidry Cloche dons a
pair of Persol sunglasses and pokes his head out into the
Los Angeles night, hair blown to life by a Santa Ana breeze.
GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
The man is an iconoclast.
FADE TO BLACK - CREDITS
Music: 'Long Slow Goodbye' by Queens of the Stone Age Cut to
a photo of a man eating noodles on a street in Asia.
SUPER: Anthony Bourdain (1956-2018)
POST CREDITS SCENE
INT - THEATER
A HUGE MF CELEBRITY stands on an empty stage.
HUGE MF CELEBRITY
(to camera)
If you or someone you know is
having suicidal thoughts, please
call the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-
8255, or find help online at
suicide prevention lifeline dot
org. Free confidential counseling
is available 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week. Did I mention it's FREE?
You get a counsellor, you get a
counsellor, and yes, you get a
counsellor too! So no excuses,
alright? Thank you.
The HUGE MF CELEBRITY adjusts his Kangol.
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
As for me, I believe every life is
worth saving, and by just reaching
out and showing a little everyday
kindness, you could save the life
of another human being. Something
as simple as asking a friend about
their feelings could make all the
difference, so don't ignore the
warning signs.
(pivots)
Now pay attention, because I'm
about to impart a little wisdom,
some real Dali Lama type stuff,
clue you in to The Meaning of Life.
Now this is important, so write
this down. You ready? Here goes:
(MORE)
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D) 'Feed
each other with kindness and your
plate will always be full'.
Swirling his tasty beverage in a rocks glass, he continues:
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
And there it is, the Meaning of
Life. You're welcome. I like that,
I mean what a concept, am I right?
(MORE)
HUGE MF CELEBRITY (CONT'D)
So take a moment to ponder that
sometime while you enjoy a Negroni
with your fellow Earthlings. Now, I
know what you're thinking: 'That's
just a slogan. An easy answer', and
ordinarily you'd be right. But
sometimes it really is that simple.
(pause)
Whatever the case, I'd like to
think that Tony would've agreed
with me. I mean, I never met the
man, didn't know him personally.
But it felt like I did. Cheers!
The HUGE MF CELEBRITY raises his glass and walks off.