INT. PATHOS ARTISTS - LANTANA CENTER - SANTA MONICA - DAY
CHARLES BENJAMIN, British, 50s, head of Pathos Artists, a
literary agency, slumps behind a huge desk. Charles is
urbane, distant. His assistant, TABITHA, Jamaican British,
30s, hovers, handing Charles a coffee as he feigns interest
at the man across his desk.
CHARLES
So, the title. The Thief of Dubai?
ANDREW 'SPIKE' SMITH, British as well, peeks up above a
printed screenplay he looks to be hiding behind, his face
filled with doom after hearing the man's accent.
Spike is 45 but you wouldn't know it. He's Tom Brady vegan
fit, still has hair, and has that L.A. beach look. But the
gray is there. And it's getting grayer.
SPIKE
You're... English.
CHARLES
Yes, but don't worry, I'll give you a
fair shake.
Charles winks at him as he places his coffee barely on the
edge of his desk.
SPIKE
Yes, Charles, The Thief--
CHARLES
Oh, I wasn't aware we were on a first
name basis? Tabitha, did I miss a
memo?
Spike swallows hard. Tabitha ignores her boss.
SPIKE
Sorry, Mr. Benjamin, The Thief of
Dubai is an action-adventure script
that hits every demographic from--
CHARLES
Would you say you're good in a room,
Andrew? Or do you prefer Spike? Are
we on a nickname basis, perhaps?
Spike tries to not look rattled by the interruptions.
SPIKE
Spike's fine. In a room? I'm better
than some, yeah.
CHARLES
You don't think that when producers
see you, they'll feel you are perhaps
a tad bit too experienced.
SPIKE
Experienced?
Charles traces a large circle around his own face.
CHARLES
You don't want to sit in a writers'
room with a bunch of twenty-
somethings, am I right? Calling you
Boomer all day?
SPIKE
I do not, but TV isn't my thing.
CHARLES
And you actually printed the script.
Tabitha snickers from the coffee machine as she cleans up.
SPIKE
I had some... extra ink. I just like
the feel of paper. Something organic
ab--
CHARLES
Look. Spike.
(to Tabitha)
Hey, remember Spike in Notting Hill.
In his tighty whities? The mask?
Charles laughs out loud, slaps the desk. Then points at
Spike.
CHARLES
Ricard Curtis, now that's a damn good
writer.
SPIKE
Couldn't agree more.
Charles steeples his fingers and leans forward on his desk,
his face serious now.
CHARLES
The script is a good first draft, but
I'm not sure... the voice is hard to
pick up on, and the budget...
(whistles)
You're not Craig Mazin, old man. You
wanna get this thing made, you need a
movie star part. The genie, make the
genie younger. Hotter. Black. Do
that, and you might have enough in
there to move the needle.
Spike mulls this over, then raises his eyebrows in hope as he
reads between the lines.
SPIKE
Does that mean you're willing to take
me on? It would be great to develop
it wi--
Charles laughs out loud again.
CHARLES
Fuck no! Just giving you free advice.
SPIKE
Um, you won't even like, hip pocket
me or--
CHARLES
No.
SPIKE
If I do a rewrite based on your
notes...
CHARLES
No.
Charles senses Spike's not gonna budge.
CHARLES
Go write a contained thriller with a
role for Simon McAvoy and maybe I'll
take a look at that.
SPIKE
Um, do you know of any other managers
who might--
Like Spike is no longer there:
CHARLES
What time's our next meeting,
Tabitha?
TABITHA
At four, Mr. Benjamin.
Charles turns to stone, like a cigar store Indian. Spike
rises.
SPIKE
I'll just pull the door to... on my
way out, then? Just, pull... the...
okay.
Spike walks to the door like a chided child.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Chaos and Cake
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Spike sits at his his ridiculously cluttered desk. Frozen.
Staring at his script opened in Final Draft, the cursor
blinking at the line introducing the GENIE. He looks to his
phone, life drained from his face, and opens TikTok to
disappear into a video-induced scroll coma.
Through the open door, MARIA, Nicaraguan housekeeper of 40,
walks past a side table holding various pieces of photography
equipment to his desk, an immense birthday cake with forty-
six candles in one hand and a bucket of coffee in the other.
MARIA
Señor Spike, how can you work like
this?
He shrugs as she turns and uses her bottom to sweep papers
and papers and books aside to make room for setting down the
cake, which she does. The coffee hangs there, threatening to
fall over.
SPIKE
Really? You're cleaning your booty
with my desk now?
MARIA
Please. You love it. Plus, no
cleaning supplies left. You need to
buy some more of your bio grading
cleaner.
SPIKE
Speaking of buying things... I need
you to work for a while on account,
Maria.
MARIA
On account?
She scoffs like he's joking, then reaches into his back
pocket, pulls out his wallet like a wife, but it’s empty.
SPIKE
I'm overextended. I got caught short.
MARIA
No. I need money, Jefe. Dinero.
She looks around, notes the liquor cabinet, and beelines to
it.
MARIA
Whisky Cellar pay me...
She opens it up and grabs an expensive bottle of whisky.
SPIKE
That's at least a thousand bucks.
He gets up, grabs a different one, and swaps it. He then
kisses it tenderly goodbye, like tears are about to fall.
MARIA
Don't cry, patron.
She wipes his face with her apron.
SPIKE
Excuse me, aren't you illegal? Do you
have a permit to be here?
She ignores him as Spike sips the coffee.
SPIKE (CON'T)
That's it, I'm calling La Migra.
(into phone)
Hello, yes, is that I-C-E? Yes? Good.
I'd like to report an illegal alien
here. Yes, I think she just hopped
across the BOR-DUR! About 40 years
old with... huge sun-ripened cans...
that she's...
Maria pretends to squeeze milk from her tits into his latte.
SPIKE
... using to inject drug-laden breast
milk into my coffee. Yes. She's from
"Mey-hee-co."
MARIA
Nicaragua. Got here yesterday. I'll
stay for two weeks. No mas.
He lifts his fists like Roberto Duran the boxer.
SPIKE
No mas.
She gives him a great uppercut into his solar plexus and he
folds over like fresh laundry, gasping for air. Keeps the
phone clutched at his ear.
SPIKE
Whatever. Yes, she says MORE ARE ON
THEIR WAY from Nicaragua. Please,
hurry!
MARIA
Señor Spike, you are so silly.
Roberto Duran was a Panamanian boxer,
F.I.Y.
SPIKE
F.Y.I. Maria. Please let me owe you
one, I can't function without you.
MARIA
You should get married again, Mr.
Spike. Get a young Latina wife. They
like old Anglos like you.
SPIKE
(hurt)
Old?
MARIA
You have hot brown young Latina, you
no need play with yourself every day
anymore.
SPIKE
(embarrassed)
My maid has seen me wanking in the
shower? God help me. I'm this close
to ending up on some blog. Worse...
some podcast.
She chuckles at this.
MARIA
And get a nice young wife this time.
Stop chasing the abuelas. Have some
bambinos.
SPIKE
Not happening, Maria, I'm nearly
fifty. I'll be out of the coveted 18
to 49 demographic soon. Plus, older
women do it for me. And I have enough
bambinos, thank you.
He reaches to his desk to set his coffee down, but it lands
on the edge of a pile of paper and spills all over everything
Maria didn't sweep away. He stares at it as though it's the
last stamp on his pathetic attempts at success.
MARIA
I take whisky. You go to bed, get up
before sun, and go take pictures.
Always make you feel better.
He lets out a long sigh as he contemplates his life choices.
PRELAP sound of a camera shutter clicking a mile a minute.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Flirtation at the Stairs
EXT. THE STAIRS - SANTA MONICA - 5TH STREET - DAY
The marine layer has settled in the canyon near the famous
5th Street stairs. Runners seem to appear out of the fog and
the plants drip with condensation.
Images appear in a viewfinder of a high-end camera. Athletic
women's legs running up stairs. Fit, athletic women. And
they're darting in and out of the mist.
The cameraman is Spike, lugging a heavy Canon EOS R3 as his
eyes are glued to a BLACK pair of muscular legs in baggy,
tiny shorts. He follows like a hungry dog.
At the top of the stairs, the owner of the legs turns around,
running in place, checking out the rear views of men older
than her jogging down the stairs. She is CÉILIDH (pronounced
KAYLEE), African-American, 23, with natural ringlets of
frosted silver hair. She owns those athletic runner's legs
and the Walkman on her waist. Yeah, a Walkman.
Kaylee takes a seat on the top step, legs akimbo, exhausted.
Spike is breathing heavily as he tops the stairs and looks
like he’s about to have a heart attack when he pauses at her
feet, camera poised.
He checks out her legs as the sun peeks through the fog
behind her, then glances up and gets more than an eyeful as
her shorts are baggy at the crotch...
KAYLEE
"Why don’t you take a photo? It’ll
last longer."
Her delivery is perfect from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
He looks up and makes eye contact - she is speaking his
language.
SPIKE
No, this... this I’ll remember for
the rest of my life. Plus, you're
speaking my language.
KAYLEE
Oh, yeah? John Hughes fan?
Spike, off balance, seems to realize he may have met his
match.
SPIKE
More of a Stanley Kubrick guy.
Kaylee opens her legs just a smidgen and reels him in.
KAYLEE
(perfect delivery)
"Open the pod bay doors, Hal."
He's furiously using every ounce of energy he has NOT to look
away from her eyes, but his mouth has already dropped open at
her brazen response. She sprays water from her sports bottle
RIGHT INTO HIS OPEN MOUTH.
He sputters and coughs as she laughs at him, closing her
legs.
SPIKE
We got a squirter here!
She raises an eyebrow in shock at his line.
KAYLEE
Did you sleep through the Me Too
movement or something? You about to
start listing my measurements for
everyone next?
The playful look on her face shows she's teasing, as her eyes
take in every detail of him. She seems to like what she sees.
SPIKE
Naw. You’re safe. I never date
younger women.
KAYLEE
You poor, poor man.
She winks, gets up, and dashes off as Spike tries to think of
a quip. Too late. So... to himself:
SPIKE
Guess my ex battle-ax was right...
you can't help who you fall in love
with.
He enjoys the view as she goes, clearly caught off guard at
being pulled in by a younger woman.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Treadmill Trouble and Flirty Encounters
INT. GOLD'S GYM - DAY
At Gold’s Gym, Spike works out distractedly, checking out the
OLDER WOMEN around the room. He wanders up and down the
cardio machines at leg level, pretending to look for a
missing something. A phone. An iPod shuffle no less.
He leans casually onto the steep treadmill of a flirtatious
OLDER THIN WOMAN, 50s. But she dials up the speed and slope
angle, which catches Spike's shorts and hurls him onto the
tread and out the back... SANS SHORTS.
The WATCHING WOMEN hoot in derision, the word PERVERT being
shouted in there somewhere.
Summoning up a last shred of dignity, Spike actually finds an
ancient, dusty MP3 player lodged under the treadmill and
holds it up in triumph as he pulls his shorts up.
SPIKE
Not a pervert! Just looking for my
iPod! Found it!
From the other side of the gym, his weak eyes light on a
SILVER-HAIRED BLACK WOMAN in the upper stationary bikes where
weightlifters, who can't run, do cardio.
Spike saunters towards the dark, silver fox but is cut off by
another YOUNG WOMAN, arms crossed, staring daggers at him. He
jukes left and right around her and finally gets past, but
the silver-haired granny has left the machines.
He searches frantically around the room and finally sees her.
On the tricep dips machine. But it isn't a granny -- it's
KAYLEE, her silver frosted hair down.
She senses Spike checking her out and offers a coy smile. He
smiles back like a dorky 12-year-old and approaches.
But as he gets closer, he looks downcast... she’s not an
older woman as he surmised. She's half his age, and...
KAYLEE
You look disappointed.
He squints. Why is that voice familiar?
SPIKE
I don't have my glasses on. I thought
you were...
KAYLEE
... white?
She smirks. He pats his shorts pockets for his glasses. Not
there.
SPIKE
No, no, some girl I used to play
volleyball with. Beg your pardon.
KAYLEE
Beg your pardon? How very British of
you.
He looks behind him. There they are, they fell out of his
shorts as he put them back on. He steps back to get them,
turning back to her as he puts them on and she comes into
focus.
KAYLEE
You don't look British.
SPIKE
The teeth?
KAYLEE
Yeah, you have most of yours.
He smiles at this, showing those great teeth.
SPIKE
Have we met somewhere before?
KAYLEE
Hmm... I get an OB-GYN feeling when I
look at you.
This takes him aback.
KAYLEE
Wish you woulda taken that picture?
She winks, enjoying having him in the hot seat. She pulls at
the hem of her shorts -- it all comes back to him. He looks
back at her eyes.
SPIKE
I do apologize. Sexualizing you was
never my intention.
She chuckles and starts doing pull-ups. Wide, difficult pull-
ups, and a few gym rats start watching. It becomes a small
crowd.
KAYLEE
(through pull-ups)
That’s okay, It was a moment.
Intermittent fasting makes me hangry.
Spike watches her work, then wraps a sweatshirt around the
bar beside her and pulls up by gripping the shirt. The crowd
ROARS approval for him.
Kaylee upstages him by dropping into a full split. The gym-
goers ERUPT around her, ignoring Spike completely. She enjoys
the excitement at her skills, and Spike is pushed aside. He
nods at her "win," pops in his earbuds, and walks to a
stationary bike, taking a seat, and watching TikTok as he
pedals.
After a few moments, Kaylee taps on his shoulder. He looks at
her, but the audio from TikTok is so loud in his ears, he can
only read her lips. To him, it appears she is saying:
KAYLEE
Locker room, get raunchier.
He pops out his earbuds in shock.
SPIKE
Sorry. What did you--
KAYLEE
I said, would you like to come up to
the ladies' locker room and watch me
make the Karens with dildos up their
asses super uncomfortable as I stare
at them when they change?
He laughs.
SPIKE
Fuck yes!
He stops pedaling and grabs a mouthful of water from his
bottle. She motions with her head to a PUDGY WOMAN behind her
on a step-climber.
KAYLEE
I'm gonna start with that one. I
can't wait to see her gunt up close.
He SPITS HIS WATER OUT as her unexpected comment makes him
laugh incredibly hard. He then notices he spit his water all
over her from stomach to chin. He waits for her to lose it on
him, but instead...
KAYLEE
Fair enough. Karma for the stairs.
And now that we've both squirted on
each other, we should be formally
introduced. I'm Kaylee. Kaylee
Parsons.
His face says it all: why is this knockout flirting with me?
SPIKE
How do you do, Kaylee? I'm Andrew.
Spike to my friends. I have fantasies
of exterminating all the OCD freaks
here at Gold's.
He steps off the bike and offers his hand. She shakes it,
then pulls back, wiping his sweat off on her shorts.
KAYLEE
Yeah, because we all love the
transfer of sweat as our skin meets.
Her delivery comes across as though she's disgusted, but her
eyes say it's the opposite. She then reaches to his iPod,
yanks it from his hand and pops in an ear bud as she backs
away from him.
KAYLEE
Shower time for me.
Before he can grab it back, Kaylee dashes off with a look
over her shoulder. He looks from her to a group of older, yet
athletic women on the other stationary bikes. But then he
looks back to see Kaylee's incredible legs and follows her up
the stairs.
SPIKE
Miss, you’ve got my iPod. Miss!
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Caught in the Locker Room
INT. WOMEN'S CHANGING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Spike sees her enter the women's locker room and he is so
caught up in her that he pushes the door open like he's about
to follow her in. He sees her stop and look over her shoulder
at him.
SPIKE
My iPod.
KAYLEE
Come and get it.
She disappears around the wall and he doesn't think twice as
he follows her in.
He looks around the wall and there is nobody else in the
room. She is surprised when she sees he has actually followed
her in.
KAYLEE
And he crosses the point of no
return.
SPIKE
Sorry, but you’ve got my iPod.
KAYLEE
What’s that?
SPIKE
I said you’ve got a great bod.
She heard the first time and her eyes sparkle at his quick
delivery. She hands over the iPod.
KAYLEE
Thanks for the compliment. But you
should probably scram before someone
reports a perv trying to cop a feel
in the ladies lockers, Spike.
Reality hits him and he realizes the position he's put
himself in.
SPIKE
But I never got to see you naked.
KAYLEE
The balls on this one.
He smiles at her and it seems to melt her a little bit more.
KAYLEE
Well... if you want to see more of
me, I'm in a play at City Garage.
SPIKE
The place run by that French chick,
Monique, with all the nudity?
KAYLEE
Yup, you'll love it, lots of naked
chicks. And dudes. And we need asses
to fill the seats, so if yours is
there, maybe you'll see mine.
She winks at him as a cacophony of women's voices echo as
they approach outside the door. Kaylee grabs a towel and
heads to the showers, pulling her top off as she goes. She
offers a look over her shoulder that says: You're on your own
now.
He hears the door open and voices growing in volume. He looks
around in panic then beelines into a toilet stall just before
a GROUP OF WOMEN enter chatting.
Spike stands there, frozen, unsure how to get out of this
situation without being banned from the gym for life.
He listens to the women and their idle chit chat. He leans
toward the crack between the stall door and the wall, trying
to find a clear exit path. But just as he does...
PSSSHSHHHHH! A woman right outside the stall sprays deodorant
under her arm, EXCESS SPRAY flooding Spike's eyeball.
He stumbles back and lets out a HIGH-PITCHED FEMININE SCREAM.
He covers his mouth.
WOMAN (O.S.)
We all feel ya, sister.
The women laugh. Spike sits on the closed toilet seat,
rubbing his eye for dear life. As the pain subsides, he waits
for an empty room so he can leave.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Flirting and Disappointment
EXT. GOLD'S GYM - VENICE, CALIFORNIA - DAY
Spike staggers out of the gym, eye still squinting, body like
jelly. He gets a look from a GUY entering the gym.
SPIKE
Banged a weight into my eye.
Pyramiding.
The Guy nods like it happens all the time and heads in as
Spike drops himself on a bench. He sighs, shakes his head as
though he can't believe what's happened, and pulls out his
phone. Scrolls through emails. He senses someone walk up and
stand before him.
He looks up to see Kaylee standing there dressed in overalls
and sporting a red bandana. She leans down to him and kisses
him on his red eye. He melts.
KAYLEE
Looks like it hurts, but I have a
feeling it was worth it.
SPIKE
Well... women fall in love through
the ear, men fall in love through the
eye. So...
This catches her off guard and she steps back like it's the
last thing she wanted to hear. He notices, grimaces like his
stupid brain ruined the entire situation.
SPIKE
Sorry, the vanilla mint Dove
Deodorant may have seeped into my
brain.
This gets a slight smile, and she is about to respond when a
silver-haired fox pulls up in a Lamborghini. The driver is
REX CHANDLER, 70s, whistling gently for Kaylee.
REX
Kaylee, get that fine ass in here
before someone else takes your spot.
Rex, suave and tanned, looks like he just stepped off his
yacht in Monaco harbor and straight into the street at
Gold's.
KAYLEE
(over her shoulder)
Coming, Rexy.
Spike is shattered but hides it well.
SPIKE
Rex? Don't you mean "Rx?"
KAYLEE
Har de har har.
SPIKE
Bingo night at the old folks home?
KAYLEE
How'd you guess? We play in the buff.
He's an artist.
SPIKE
So am I.
She walks away, leaving him panting and dumbstruck.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Disconnected Dreams
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO OFFICE - MORNING
Spike is pitching his script to a PRODUCER, 20s, over Zoom on
a PITCH SITE.
SPIKE
Thanks so much for taking my pitch
today.
YOUNG PRODUCER
Use your sixty seconds wisely,
Andrew.
SPIKE
Well, The Thief of Dubai is Raiders
of the Lost Ark meets Aladdin.
YOUNG PRODUCER
And?
SPIKE
And it's a story of being trapped.
Rezana, the genie, is trapped in a
lamp; Jack, the hero, is trapped in
the Middle East. He's older, she's
younger, and working together, they--
YOUNG PRODUCER
Okay, good theme. Movie star parts?
SPIKE
Yes, definitely.
YOUNG PRODUCER
Is it these two stuck in the bottle
together? That keeps it contained,
keeps budget down.
SPIKE
No, it's very large in scope, big set
pieces, and--
YOUNG PRODUCER
You have talent attached?
SPIKE
No. Not yet.
The Young Producer looks annoyed.
YOUNG PRODUCER (O.S.)
Well, that's going to be a great
first step, Andrew. And make the
genie older, audiences are tired of
young woman-older man relationships.
Great to meet you. Good luck.
The Zoom connection clicks off. Spike stares at it
incredulously.
SPIKE
That wasn't even thirty seconds!
(shouting into the
air)
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING!
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Unexpected Encounters
EXT. MARINA DEL REY - VENICE PENINSULA - DAY
Spike shuffles along distractedly, phone to his ear. Pauses
in front of Peet's coffee shop.
SPIKE
(into phone)
Can you Venmo me five hundred bucks?
Please, dude. I'll get it right back
to you.
(listening)
No, I'm going to City Garage later to
audition my genie. Want anything from
Peet's? I can bring it over, I'm
nearby. On me.
(listening)
Well technically, you would have
transferred me the money already, so
I would be pay--
(listening)
Hello? You there?
He pulls the phone away to see the screen showing the call
has ended. Spike's profile reflects on the window of Peet’s
on Mindanao and sees Kaylee is at a table alone, inches away.
He shakes his head at the odds.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
Unspoken Connections
INT. PEET'S COFFEE - MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Kaylee, oblivious with a dozen books on whisky and a notepad,
is cooking up a business plan PowerPoint on an ancient
laptop.
She connects via a VPN for privacy, covers her password like
Edward Snowden, and finally logs in.
A few Led Zeppelin cassette tapes sit near her Walkman as
Kaylee surreptitiously sips from about half a dozen micro
flasks and scribbles notes. One of her doodles is a firm ass
with a Union Jack flag on it.
She's so engrossed in her research she fails to notice Spike
standing near her table, staring at her.
He starts to move toward her, stops, chickens out and tucks
tail, turns, and leaves. He grabs his coffees without saying
hello, and creeps out.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
Unscripted Rejection
INT. CITY GARAGE STAGE - NIGHT
Spike watches a performance in the cozy venue, rapt, in the
front row. The serious Santa Monica THEATER TYPES watch the
play with him, and he's engrossed, but it's not really the
play that has him hooked, it's Kaylee, on stage, completely
starkers.
Kaylee notices and gives him a glance. He mouths the words,
"Lovely bush," and she mouths back, "I know.” Suddenly, a
NAKED MALE ACTOR, 20s, and buff, struts in front of Spike,
blocking his view. Spike squirms in discomfort.
EXT. STAGE DOOR - CITY GARAGE THEATER - NIGHT
Spike is at the stage door with a whisky bottle as Kaylee
comes out, surprised when she sees him there.
KAYLEE
Why, Andrew, you came.
SPIKE
Almost. Until that naked guy slid his
junk right in front of me.
She smirks and he gives her the small bottle of MacNaMara
Gaelic Whisky. She checks it out, impressed.
KAYLEE
MacNaMara. I’m surprised.
Kaylee recovers her sass, but when she spots him holding a
script under his arm, the mood changes.
KAYLEE
Please tell me that is a book
manuscript under your arm.
He then holds it out to her and she sees the title page.
KAYLEE
Worse. A screenwriter. I don't spend
time with writers. They’re all crazy,
manic-depressives.
(re the title)
And an homage to Alexander Korda’s
“Thief of Bagdad?” That's the best
you could do?
SPIKE
Well, I only brought it because
there's a part in it for--
KAYLEE
Wild guess. There's a part for me if
I sleep with the writer? Just because
I'm free showing my body? Did you
catch any of the play or just spend
it staring at my bush?
SPIKE
Staring at your bush.
KAYLEE
Figures.
SPIKE
Well, I'm sorry, but "The Sweet
Madness" is not one of Simone de
Beauvoir's best works. Wasn't this
based on the middle tome of de
Beauvoir's feminist trinity, "The
Woman Destroyed"?
KAYLEE
Very good. Probably destroyed by the
male gaze.
She looks at him uncomfortably, knowing he’s just seen her
naked again. He senses the awkwardness too and stares off.
She starts chugging the MacNaMara like it’s iced tea. Glug.
Not to be outdone, Spike grabs it and polishes off the rest.
They size each other up in an instant. Bedfellows. Different
ages, different bodies, same person.
She BURPS loudly, then lifts off his eye bandage and kisses
his eye. Again. And again, he swoons.
KAYLEE
Better, Peeping Tom?
SPIKE
Maybe. You could give me notes. Phone
number, email, Instagram?
She seems to be softening but catches Rex's familiar WHISTLE
from down the alley. She grabs Spike by the lapels as if
searching for something, trying to find something to have her
run in the opposite direction.
SPIKE
Rex? He's w--
KAYLEE
Wise? You of all people should
understand.
Spike is hoisted on his own senior citizen petard.
SPIKE
More and more every year.
KAYLEE
(while walking away)
Anyways, I’m not online, I never date
writers, and I have a boyfriend.
He watches her get in the Lambo and drive off with Rex. Spike
looks defeated, but then he looks to his hand and the script
isn't there. She...
SPIKE
She took it.
He smiles at the small victory.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
A Moment of Clarity
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO OFFICE - DAY
The sun peeks through the window as Spike sits at his
computer and Googles Kaylee Parsons. Facebook, no. LinkedIn.
Nope. Instagram, WhatsApp, TikTok, Telegram, Stage 32. Nada.
He tries different spellings: Cali, Caley, Qualey, Khalie...
He goes deep.
He searches City Garage’s website for play details. Nothing.
Then, a whisky ad appears as a pop-up...
SPIKE
Whisky... in the coffee shop...
(realization)
You saw her eyes light up when she
read that bottle, and then downed it
like a sailor.
He smiles at how clever he is.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
Whisky and Whispers
INT. WHISKY TASTING - WEST LA - NIGHT
Several MIDDLE-AGED MEN are entranced as Kaylee opines on an
expensive-looking whisky. JACK GURUG, 60s, the gruff whisky
store owner, seems to be anticipating the moment. Spike slips
in the door unnoticed by anyone and stays back to just
observe quietly for the time being.
JACK GURUG
Well, my well-heeled, well-oiled
friends... who can tell me this next
one?
Gurug holds up a card showing Té Bheag: pronounced “Chey
Vek.”
In the back, Spike smiles, but the tough crowd immediately
starts to turn on her.
JACK GURUG
We heard that al--
KAYLEE
With hints of... heather...
The crowd is GRUMBLING now.
KAYLEE
But also somewhat peppery...
The tough assembly starts listening and quietens down.
KAYLEE
Nose: almost rustic, a cigar leaf,
with a hint of wet leather. Untamed,
fat, and buttery, but then emerging
with fruit-forward. Palate: milky,
creamy with notes of caramel. Finish:
long, dark and robust. A well-
tempered Gaelic. Té Bheag. NOT chill-
filtered.
As she holds it up to the light, a pin drop can be heard as
she tilts the glass to where it hangs like honey, then drops
into her mouth. The assembled crowd bursts into APPLAUSE.
She suddenly notices Spike’s face, watching from the crowd,
reflected in the glass like a whisky genie as she holds it
aloft. Spike wanders over, and she can tell he’s impressed,
but she’s also taken aback by his sudden appearance.
KAYLEE
You got some on your chin.
She uses a napkin to dab his chin and, as he leans in for a
kiss, she uses it to push him gently away.
KAYLEE
You take rejection better than most.
SPIKE
Come to my studio.
KAYLEE
No way, stalker.
SPIKE
Bring a chaperone. Look me up. I can--
KAYLEE
Photograph me naked? Haven't heard
that one before.
(MORE)
KAYLEE (cont'd)
And explain to me why that's better
for me than for you.
SPIKE
I’ve already seen you naked.
She stumbles, almost as if a dark secret has been revealed.
KAYLEE
And mind your P's and Q's or you
never will again.
SPIKE
You need to get online.
KAYLEE
For more of the male gaze? Come on
then, mansplain to me why I need an
OnlyFans page?
SPIKE
I meant your head shot. For your
acting.
She is surprised.
KAYLEE
I already have good shots.
SPIKE
Not ones that capture your essence,
I'm sure.
She is affected by his line. Thinks about this.
KAYLEE
I'll come to your studio for head
shots. If you tell me what this is.
She grabs a mouthful from a hidden bottle, then kisses him,
letting the Scotch flow into his mouth. Through this, he
manages to keep his head...
SPIKE
Well, it’s definitely non-chill-
filtered.
KAYLEE
You’re batting 900. Keep going.
SPIKE
Fresh, citrus notes, good richness, a
light peatiness, and a delicate touch
of... cereal.
He’s about a foot away from her dark brown eyes and rapidly
losing concentration, mesmerized by her.
SPIKE
Dark brown, chocolatey, with curious
flecks... I mean weighty, slightly
creamy, with a toffee-like richness.
A fairly delicate peaty note.
She’s pretty impressed but hides it and kisses him again,
tonguing some more whisky onto his top lip. He’s lost.
SPIKE
Tè Bheag? No, too easy. Talisker? I'm
going with Talisker.
KAYLEE
Nah-ah. You should have gone with
your first love.
He closes his eyes and chides himself.
SPIKE
I was tasting the Tè Bheag on your
lips from before. Not fair.
KAYLEE
You were wrong, admit it. Don’t pout.
Better luck next time, Mr. Paparazzi.
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - BEDROOM - DAY
Spike is sniffing bottles of rare whiskies, looking
frustrated. He has a dozen tumblers filled.
Spike wipes his lips onto a linen napkin and then savors the
aroma. He kisses the napkin, trying to figure something out.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
Missed Connections at Baja Cantina
INT. BAJA CANTINA BAR - MARINA DEL REY - NIGHT
Spike meets JON METRIN, 50s, with a quick wit to match
Spike's and an insatiable appetite for salsa, slurping a
nearby dish of it down like it's a drink.
SPIKE
You're sick, you know that? That
shit's all sugar.
JON
Your point, asshole? How’s Maria
doing? I thought you might bring her
tonight.
SPIKE
My housekeeper. What, to clean up
after you?
JON
To see something other than your ugly
mug all night. Oh, here.
Jon slides Spike five hundred in cash.
SPIKE
Venmo broken?
JON
Her divorce lawyer can't track cash.
SPIKE
How's your ex doing? Apparently, her
new boyfriend's like 6'2", a lawyer
with a Bentley and eight inches.
JON
Nine.
The Margs arrive. Spike holds one up to Jon.
SPIKE
Here's to nine inches. Why'd your
wife leave you again?
JON
Because I didn't have nine inches?
SPIKE
No, because you drink too much.
JUSTIN BAILY, 30s, hot, African-American, gay, with bright
white teeth, hurls himself on Spike, almost spilling Spike's
Margarita.
JUSTIN
Boys. Jon. How's the wife? Sorry, ex.
Why'd she leave you again?
JON
Fucking bozos.
The WAITRESS brings shots. They're starting to get merry.
LATER
The boys are pretty fucked up now. Spike is getting maudlin.
JON
So tell us more about this twenty-
three-year-old mystery girl who’s
living off grid.
JUSTIN
Offline Love. Good name for a script.
Spike looks like he agrees.
SPIKE
She's gorgeous, sassy, has a really
good whisky palate. And she's an
actress.
JON
Probably an alcoholic, then.
JUSTIN
Didn’t you act for a while, Spikey?
SPIKE
I still have my SAG card. But she
says writers are lonely, miserable,
depressing slobs.
JUSTIN
So she's got you pegged.
KAYLEE (O.S.)
I didn't say all writers.
Spike looks up in his drunkenness to see Kaylee standing at
the end of their table. Standing next to her is JONELLA,
African-American, 20s, a more voluptuous, more flirtatious
version of Kaylee.
KAYLEE
Just you.
Spike's expression says he must be dreaming. He just keeps
staring like an idiot.
KAYLEE
Hello, McFly?
Justin elbows Spike as he stares at Jonella.
JUSTIN
Spike, introduce us to your friends.
Spike realizes he isn't dreaming. He straightens up, clears
his throat, and...
SPIKE
I'm sorry. This is Kaylee. My new
nemesis.
(looks confused)
It's odd how I've been living here
for so long, had never seen her face,
and she just keeps appearing...
everywhere I go.
JUSTIN
Lucky fucking guy.
KAYLEE
“Of all the gin joints..."
SPIKE
"In all the towns...”
KAYLEE
"In all the world..."
SPIKE
"She walks into mine.”
They share a smile. Something is brewing on both sides.
KAYLEE
I come here a lot, actually. It’s my
local.
SPIKE
Then we’ll have to plan it so we come
on alternate nights.
JONELLA
I'm Jonella by the way.
(re accent)
So you’re the weird English up-skirt
creep guy with a thing for legs?
JON
Leaving impressions wherever he goes.
JONELLA
And we are... outsie.
Jonella pulls her away. Spike gets up and follows. He quickly
loses her, stopping against a wall when he can't see a single
glimpse of her...
A hand reaches out from a step in the wall and grabs his
collar. He is yanked into the small alcove to see Kaylee, her
nose an inch from his.
KAYLEE
I told you, I don't date writers.
Her eyes dance with desire she can't understand.
SPIKE
Then don't date me.
KAYLEE
What's the alternative?
He tries not to stare at her lips.
SPIKE
Drinking partners?
KAYLEE
Admit I have a better whisky palate.
SPIKE
Only if I can get a taste test.
He comes in for a kiss.
KAYLEE
(her breath heavy in
anticipation)
Nothing. Will come. Of...
SPIKE
Nothing?
KAYLEE
Will come.
SPIKE
Will come.
The harder they have to try, the more real their attraction
seems to become. He falls into her, pinning her to the wall,
trapping her with a kiss. She doesn't fight back, actually
starts to enjoy it. A lot. Until, like slow motion, she
gently knees him in the nuts.
SPIKE
(groaning)
You're lethal with that knee.
KAYLEE
Did I give you consent?
SPIKE
You gave come-sent.
She swiftly and expertly knees him in his thigh to Charley
Horse him. Spike crouches to hide the pain.
KAYLEE
Seems like the reflexes of, what, a
fifty-eight, nine year old?
SPIKE
This is why I've sworn off younger
women...
(sighing)
And speaking of fossils, where's Rex?
KAYLEE
Bingo night.
Kaylee waves this minor detail away.
SPIKE
Winning a box of Polident and some
diapers? Speaking of, did you bring
me a birthday present?
Her eyes dance at playing this game.
KAYLEE
I'm not much for last minute
shopping. Will this do?
Spike goes into a trance as Kaylee works her lips up and down
and around his ear... Off to the side, Jonella is watching
like she’s seen this Kaylee trick often before and GROANS.
Kaylee sees her and ends the treatment.
KAYLEE
(whispering)
I love a man who tastes like
Talisker.
SPIKE
Then give me your number and I'll
bring some by personally.
KAYLEE
(with a chuckle)
Not a chance.
Kaylee steps away and sees Jonella there.
JONELLA
You’re pretty cute, baby.
SPIKE
Am I?
Kaylee takes notice in the way women desire what other women
want.
JONELLA
I'm Jonella, and I ain’t seeing
nobody. At present.
SPIKE
And you’re actually contactable?
Kaylee can stand it no more and unsnaps Jonella's bra through
her tank top, causing a wardrobe malfunction.
KAYLEE
Oopsie, we better go fix that, Jo.
(to Spike)
Enjoy your birthday.
She pulls Jonella away.
SPIKE
(in a “Bones McCoy”)
Dammit Jim!
KAYLEE
(in an even better
McCoy)
I’m not a witch doctor, Jim!
Spike watches her go, absolutely in love.
LATER
Spike is at his table, Jon and Justin talking to some women
nearby. Spike scrolls through his phone. Stops on an email. A
response to a query...
SPIKE
(reading)
Please send the script? Fuck me...
He taps reply and starts typing.
SPIKE
(speaking as he
types)
Please find attached a copy of my
script--
KAYLEE (O.S.)
The Thief of Young Women.
He looks up at her, standing by his table, offering a
seductive look.
KAYLEE
I've decided I'm ready for that
Talisker now.
He looks back to his phone, then back to her, then back to
the phone.
SPIKE
I'm sorry. I just... I have to reply.
She watches as he focuses on his email, taps a few buttons,
has trouble finding the script to attach in his drunkenness.
And as she watches this, she quickly grows annoyed, then
offended, then done. She shakes her head and walks away.
SPIKE
Sorry, all done. Can't leave a
producer waiting. I'll get you...
(sees she's gone)
that drink...
He gets up, walks to the exit, searching for her. He slips
outside.
Genres:
["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
A Spark of Inspiration
EXT. BAJA CANTINA - CONTINUOUS
Spike hurries up the block, back to the bar, down the block,
then stops, defeated.
SPIKE
Idiot...
INT. KAYLEE'S DINGY APARTMENT - VENICE, CALIFORNIA - DAY
Kaylee, bored with learning lines, sets down her pages and
sighs, dropping her head to the whisky on the side table.
But then something else catches her eye... Spike’s screenplay
that she took from him after her show.
She reaches, grabs it, and starts reading. As she gets to the
second page... she immediately perks up as she flicks through
to see how many lines the genie has.
Genres:
["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
15 -
A Bold Audition
INT. LA BREA CASTING STUDIOS - DAY
Kaylee sits forlornly with DOZENS OF KAYLEES waiting their
turn.
INT. CASTING OFFICE NO.1 - CONTINUOUS
FRANCENE, 50s, grumpy and officious, is the casting director.
The camera ASSISTANT, 20s, is a younger doppelgänger for
Spike, which unnerves Kaylee the moment she sees him. He even
smiles like Spike.
FRANCENE
Slate, please. You’re comfortable
with nudity...
(checks sheet)
Kaylee?
KAYLEE
I’m comfortable in my body, yes.
Without prompting, she strips off everything. Not just
comfortable. Confident. Francene is taken aback but seems to
like her spirit. The Assistant can't make himself look away.
FRANCENE
I can see that.
(to Assistant)
Jacob. Jaw.
Jacob closes his mouth and through Kaylee's eyes, he turns
into Spike himself and the look he had at her play.
Kaylee shakes off the visual and throws her clothes back on.
She grabs her sides, looks Francene in the eye and...
KAYLEE
Shall we run the lines?
FRANCENE
If Jacob can manage to speak after
that, yes.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
Awkward Revelations
INT. BAJA CANTINA - DAY
Spike is sitting with KHANDACY, 20s, bi-racial African-
American, demure and sweet. They’re holding hands and talking
closely. Kaylee, walking in from her audition, Spike's script
in hand, sees them and stops with a double take.
Her blood boils and she walks right over...
KAYLEE
Never date young women, huh?
KHANDACY
(to Spike)
Um, who is this?
KAYLEE
Who am I? The girl who's gonna tell
you not to believe his game when he
gaslights you that he's not into
younger women, in some sort of messed
up psychological game to make you
want him in a way you haven't had
before and make you not stop thinking
about him.
Spike is intrigued.
SPIKE
You want me and can't stop thinking
about me?
KAYLEE
Read the room, Spikey!
KHANDACY
It's okay, Miss...
KAYLEE
Kaylee.
KHANDACY
You're Kaylee?
(to Spike)
Wow, she is different than the others
you've dated.
KAYLEE
Hold up. You know my name? He's told
you about me? What kind of messed--
Spike stands.
SPIKE
Of course I've told her. She's my
daughter. Meet Khandacy. Khandy, this
is... well, as you heard, Kaylee.
KAYLEE
Well this is embarrassing.
KHANDACY
Tell me about it. Usually anyone my
dad dates is around Grandmother age,
not closer to mine. So you clearly
made an impression.
KAYLEE
Interesting.
KHANDACY
Yes, you clearly seem to be.
(beat)
And beg your pardon, but I need to
use the ladies room.
KAYLEE
Of course.
Khandy gets up, Spike rises like a gentleman. After she
goes...
KAYLEE
Wow. She's cute. And so polite. And
gracious. You did well.
SPIKE
Can't take credit. Step-daughter. She
was already awesome before I came
along.
KAYLEE
Well, she's the total opposite of me,
clearly. I am completely mortified at
myself, so I'm gonna go. Sorry for
the interruption.
She turns to walk away.
SPIKE
Stay for a Marg?
She doesn't pause, turn to look, or respond in any way. He
watches her walk out of his life, sadness in his eyes.
SPIKE
(to himself in
impressive De Niro)
"Don't let yourself get attached to
anything you are not willing to walk
out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel
heat around the corner..."
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Dinner Disconnection
INT. CASABLANCA RESTAURANT - VENICE - NIGHT
Spike is under a framed Humphrey Bogart at the Casablanca-
themed Mexican eatery. STACY, 50s, African-American, sits
opposite.
SPIKE
You know they have production notes
and studio memorabilia here?
STACY
I'm not much into movies.
(reading the menu)
I'm gonna assume you're paying.
His face falls flat.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Navigating Modern Love
INT. VENICE ALE HOUSE - ABBOT KINNEY BLVD. - NIGHT
Kaylee sits near the large, barn-type, open street windows
opposite JODD, African-American, 20s, handsome and surferish.
KAYLEE
So, a Black surfer. That’s different.
JODD
Yeah, white chicks dig it. Back to
your place?
KAYLEE
My place? Yes, yes.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Spike at the same table at Casablanca. But now, eating with
MICHELLE, African-American, 60s.
MICHELLE
Jeez, Andre, I've got kids older than
you. And no, I ain't never seen
Casablanca. When you say it came out?
SPIKE
(deadpan)
Recently.
ANOTHER NIGHT
In her apartment, Kaylee and a different guy, ROD, have sex.
Rod is holding his hand around Kaylee’s throat, oblivious to
her discomfort. She finally pushes his hand away.
ROD
Too big for ya?
KAYLEE
No, I can take it, I just don’t like
dicks.
She pushes him out and off of her.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Spike now eating with ANNEMARIE, 30s. She's talkative, a good
listener. She’s perfect. He looks impressed.
SPIKE
Your grandfather knew the Epstein
brothers?
ANNEMARIE
Yeppers, he was Julius and Phil's
agent back in the day. Howard worked
on it too and got a Best Screenplay
Academy Award as well.
SPIKE
Howard Koch?
ANNEMARIE
No -- Howard Stern. Well, that's my
ride. Off to a date with my husband.
SPIKE
Your husband?
ANNEMARIE
Yeah, we do this to give our marriage
some air.
She drops two twenties and gives Spike a full-mouth kiss.
SPIKE
But... you're perfect.
ANNEMARIE
That's what my husband says. Good
luck with the script. And keep dating
younger -- you might have more luck
with that fake British accent with a
younger crowd.
She walks away, leaving him gobsmacked.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Back at her same restaurant, Kaylee is with a lithe African-
American, HAKIM, 30s. His head never comes up from his phone.
KAYLEE
Hakim. Himhak? Spike?
No name she calls him pulls him from his phone.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Now with SHIRLEY, African-American, 60s, elegant,
sophisticated, but worn. She looks around the room.
SHIRLEY
Casablanca... this clearly means
you’re dating again, Andrew. And yet,
you invited me out. Clearly not going
as you planned?
SPIKE
I made a huge mistake.
SHIRLEY
Lemme guess, you were yourself on the
dates?
He offers a "really" look.
SHIRLEY
Hey, you're the one who invited his
ex-wife on a dinner date. How did you
think it was gonna go?
But her smile reveals it's classic banter between them.
SPIKE
The mistake was getting drawn in by a
younger woman.
SHIRLEY
Khandy told me. I thought she was
pranking me. I've never seen you
alter your math for anyone. Every
year you got older, the woman you
chased would be up that ladder
another year as well. I swear, I
almost had our lawyer put a clause in
the divorce that if you ever talked
about how hot Helen Mirren's rack was
again you'd have to start paying me
alimony.
He smiles sadly at her.
SPIKE
It really does get better with age.
SHIRLEY
Can't argue with it, but don't need
to hear it. But I don't get it, you
said yourself that women are crazy
until they hit fifty.
SPIKE
That’s because it’s a women’s world
until they hit fifty.
Spike downs another tortilla covered with butter.
SHIRLEY
So, what, you wanna start a family in
some young one's uterus? Khandy ain’t
good enough?
SPIKE
I love Khandy, you know that. But...
(considering her
question)
Maybe I do want some kids of my own-
own. Some day.
SHIRLEY
You're a kid, Spike. The constant
teenager chasing cougars.
She reaches across the table, lays her hand on his.
SHIRLEY
We coulda been great if you just grew
up a little bit.
SPIKE
Yeah. And had you not cheated on me
with that hot cable guy.
She shrugs.
SHIRLEY
A girl's gotta eat.
She shuffles to get up.
SPIKE
Leaving already?
SHIRLEY
As much as I love our little talks...
you invited me here for advice.
(beat)
Life's too short, Spike. Khandy said
the girl sounds young and foolish,
obviously adores your firm white arse
with how she was as jealous as a frog
seeing her man enjoying a water-tight
pussy, and sounds like your
doppelgänger. So what’s not to like?
She leans over and kisses him on the cheek.
SHIRLEY
But no matter what I say, you're the
one who's just gotta get outta your
own way. You live every day like
you're in one of those movies you
keep writing. And it is what makes
you you, Spike, but I gave up on
helping you get your feet back on the
ground years ago. Love ya.
She leaves him in that thought. Does it break him? It's hard.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Kaylee sits across from STEVE, 50s, a lawyer type. He’s
elegantly dressed, polite, and seems perfect. He is perfect,
but then he starts swiping left. He’s on Tinder.
KAYLEE
Are you seriously swiping for dates
while on a date with me?
STEVE
What’s the probs? It’s not like we’re
serious yet.
KAYLEE
We’re not even frivolous yet. And you
definitely seemed perfect. Clearly
that was a red flag.
STEVE
I am perfect, babe.
He keeps swiping.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Kaylee is at home, eating a veggie burger in a lettuce wrap
behind a high stack of books. The Moody Blues are playing and
she’s reading Hemingway. Her feature phone RINGS.
KAYLEE
Hi Daddy, did you think about the
GoFundMe idea? I’d be willing to go
online again. No, really, I want to
help.
(listening)
The English guy? No, it never worked
out. He was too immature. Well, no,
sorry, that's a lie, he was mature
but... gave me a feeling his created
world would be more important than
the world with me in it.
(pause)
Love you too.
ANOTHER NIGHT
Spike watches yet another woman walk away from his table. He
looks like this might just be the time he gives up. He looks
down at his chips and salsa and empty margarita glass.
JONELLA (O.S.)
You are correct.
He looks up to see Kaylee's friend Jonella.
JONELLA
This does look as pathetic as you
think it looks.
She slides into his booth.
SPIKE
Joanna, right?
JONELLA
Jonella. But you can just call me the
girl who's gonna come home with you
and take you for the ride of your
life.
Spike raises an eyebrow. He's feeling so pathetic in this
moment that his brain stops processing correctly and he lets
her pull him out of his seat.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
Thong Shenanigans and Career Breakthroughs
INT. SPIKE’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jon stands in Spike's office, checking out Spike's whiskies.
He is surprised when he finds a pink thong hanging on the
neck of a bottle in the back. He pulls it out and holds it
up.
He walks over to Spike, who is editing his a script on his
computer. Jon holds it up for Spike to see.
JON
Extra small? Now I know a woman over
60 doesn't usually wear this kinda
unit. Did you finally get that young
one with the silver in her hair over
here?
Spike keeps his focus on his computer.
SPIKE
No.
JON
(intrigued)
Wait, are these Maria's?
SPIKE
Before you start smelling them--
(snatches them from
his hand)
They belong to a girl named Jonella.
This hits Jon.
JON
Wait, isn't that the name of the
young-un's friend we met that night?
Spike finally looks up at Jon, clearly not impressed with
himself.
SPIKE
We... had a script meeting.
JON
My Jewish ass it was a script
meeting.
(deepens into a movie
trailer voice)
Interior, Inn of the Seventh Ray,
night. Our blue-blooded British hero
sits calmly...
(MORE)
JON (cont'd)
No, went straight to Paradise Cove
and then under Spikey’s Pier for some
Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet.
(back to regular
voice)
You dog! Swear, I gotta start using a
British accent when I meet women.
SPIKE
(like Mrs. Doubtfire)
You scalawag!
Eyeing the panties.
JON
Be serious with me, Spike, and for
the final time. Have you and Maria
ever banged it out? Like right on
this desk?
SPIKE
She's the best housekeeper I've ever
had, Jon. And I don't shit where I
eat. So, no.
JON
Then come on, let me get a chance
with her already.
SPIKE
Fine! If it'll shut you up about it,
go ahead. Just don't do her dirty so
she never wants to come work with me
again or I'll put you in a script and
have someone torture you in ways
you've never imagined.
JON
You're the best, Spike. I swear, if I
had the money I'd bankroll your movie
just for being that good of a friend.
Spike rolls his eyes.
SPIKE
I wouldn't want you to waste your
money.
Spike stares at his script and then holds down the delete
button and erases all the changes he just made on the page.
An email notification pulls him out of it. His eyes light up,
he clicks it and it takes him to his email. His mouse hovers
over the sender: OLD LINE PICTURES.
His heart stops.
SPIKE
(under his breath)
Please not be a rejection, please not
be a rejection, please...
He clicks it and he looks like his heart stops. But then... a
smile slowly builds across his face and he SCREAMS into the
air in excitement.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
Awkward Anticipation
INT. OLD LINE PICTURES - DAY
Spike is in the waiting room, trying to be nonchalant. The
bored RECEPTIONIST, 20s, is reading the Hollywood Reporter.
OLD LINE RECEPTIONIST
I’m so sorry, Mr. Smith, but Jonathan
was called away to a talent meeting.
Would you like to meet his assistant,
Jonathan?
SPIKE
Jonathan and Jonathan? How do you
differentiate them in meetings?
Stony silence as she just stares at him. She hits a button on
her desk phone without taking her eyes off him.
OLD LINE RECEPTIONIST
(into phone)
I'm sending in Andrew Smith, the
writer of “The Thief of Dobray.”
She taps a button to end the call.
SPIKE
Thief of Dubai, actually.
She keeps staring, unimpressed.
OLD LINE RECEPTIONIST
Door to your left.
She finally looks away from him and he gets up, heads over,
and opens the door.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
Harsh Realities
INT. OLD LINE PICTURES - OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
JONATHAN, 20s, is tall, doughy, and feels little need to
pander to struggling writers. He condescends to condescend.
JONATHAN
Yeah, so it's just a little bit too
much like “The Mummy“ and that genie
flick from Disney. But you're here
because Jonathan likes your voice.
SPIKE
Spike likes to hear that.
(off Jonathan's
unimpressed look)
Oh, I thought you were doing the
talking about yourself in third
person thing.
Jonathan looks even more unimpressed.
SPIKE
Um, right, did you read it yourself?
Or write the coverage? Any feedback?
JONATHAN
Of course. It's just way too big of a
movie that's gonna be nearly
impossible to get financed. And
that's on top of everyone else
writing and making a genie heist
hybrid movie.
SPIKE
They are? That's... odd.
JONATHAN
Look, Smith, don't lose heart. You're
a very talented writer.
(opens a file on his
desk)
I shouldn’t do this, but like I said,
your voice is great. Maybe reading
the coverage can help you find a way
to make it more viable, an easier
sell. If that would help?
Spike hesitates but takes the coverage.
SPIKE
It might, thanks.
JONATHAN
Great to meet you, Andre, and keep
writing. Feel free to come back to us
with anything else.
Spike glances at the notes, then goes green, then turns pale
again like a flickering late-night convenience store neon
light.
SPIKE
It's Andr-- never mind. I do have
some other scripts that m--
JONATHAN
I'm late for another meeting, Andre.
But send me an email and we'll talk.
Spike stands and watches Jonathan start scrolling through his
phone. He understands he's been brushed off. Spike looks back
down at the coverage and leaves.
SPIKE
I'll do that.
INT. OLD LINE PICTURES - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Spike reads, re-reads, and reads again the coverage. It’s
obviously damning and ghastly. He nearly barfs.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
Descent into Despair
EXT. NORTH ROBERTSON BLVD. - LOS ANGELES - DAY
Spike walks out in a fog, wet with sweat. Pedestrians avoid
him like he’s from the Andromeda Strain. His phone rings:
Jon. Spike answers.
SPIKE
(into phone)
What?
JON (O.S.)
(from phone)
Dude, did you see there’s another
movie like yours coming out? I saw a
billboard and thought it was your
film, but you couldn’t make it that
fast, could you? Doesn’t this fuck up
your plans? Did you see the movie
poster?
(not getting a
response)
Andrew?
Spike is frozen as he looks up at something that catches his
attention. His soul shatters.
SPIKE
I’m staring at it, dude.
He starts almost heaving again as the sight of the billboard,
right over a swath of homeless plots, and falls head-first
into a tent.
As Spike lies there in a stupor, a HOMELESS HAIRY OLD MAN,
70s, steals Spike’s jacket and swaps it for his own.
JON (O.S.)
Spike? You there? Hello?
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
A Plan B Unseen
EXT. SOUTH ROBERTSON BLVD - DAY
Spike, disheveled, dirty, and looking “unhoused” staggers
along the road until a Beverly Hills black and white pulls
up. The officer, YOLANDA, African-American, 30s, steps in
front of the staggering Spike, and looks to Spike like Kaylee
in 15 years, with real gorgeous curly grey hair.
OFFICER YOLANDA
Hello, sir. Looks like you and I need
to have a talk.
Spike looks like he's about to cry.
LATER
Spike sits on the curb, Officer Yolanda next to him.
OFFICER YOLANDA
So let me see if I’ve got this
straight. You had a pitch meeting for
a movie you’ve written and some tool
showed you the studio notes? So you
became homeless and set up camp on
the streets in front of these fancy
boutiques, harassing everyone?
SPIKE
No. No. And no. I had a meeting with
a producer this afternoon, which
didn't go well, and--
OFFICER YOLANDA
Wait. The guy really showed you the
internal coverage? And it said all
those things about your writing?
Spike just nods.
OFFICER YOLANDA
Man, that sucks. I ain't even gonna
give you a warning for all this shit
people complained about. You just get
home and try your best not to drop a
toaster in the bathtub with yourself.
She gets up and looks back before getting in her car.
OFFICER YOLANDA
Hey, I’ve got this great idea for a
cop movie.
SPIKE
Lemme guess. A hot Black Beverly
Hills cop falls in love with a cute
homeless guy...
OFFICER YOLANDA
Yeah, hearing it out loud sounds like
shit.
(as she gets in her
car)
Maybe it's time to start looking at
your Plan B, fella.
She gets in and drives off.
SPIKE
I've never had a plan B.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
24 -
Art and Attraction
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Spike sits at his desk, handwriting a letter to Kaylee. On
his screen is an ad for a gallery showing at JAMES GALLERY.
One of the paintings on the ad is clearly Kaylee...
EXT. JAMES GALLERY - ABBOT KINNEY BLVD - VENICE - DAY
In the impressive James Gallery, an amazing painting of
Kaylee is on full display. Spike gawks at the risqué artwork.
Kaylee is doing a Gustav Courbet pose.
KAYLEE (O.S.)
See anything you like?
Her voice sends chills up his spine. In a good way. He
manages to not spin to her in excitement, looking to the
painting next to hers.
SPIKE
I rather like that Art Deco cat.
She watches him silently, taking in his adoration.
KAYLEE
Hello, you.
She steps up next to him, admiring the paintings with him.
SPIKE
Hello, you.
(beat)
He could have been a bit more
Pointillistic on that one.
KAYLEE
I didn't expect a bush pilot to be so
familiar with Courbet.
SPIKE
He’s my kinda erotic artist. Musée
d'Orsay?
KAYLEE
Oui.
(smiling at the color
in his face)
You’re blushing.
SPIKE
It’s the niacin I’m taking.
KAYLEE
B3? Good to hear it's not something
for E.D.
He does a good job hiding his smirk at her banter.
SPIKE
I’ve seen the original at the Musée
d'Orsay -- Gustave Courbet’s The
Origin of the World.
(pause)
I also noticed the artist is your
Rex.
She offers an "Mmmmm."
SPIKE
So, those times I saw him picking you
up, you--
KAYLEE
Was heading to his studio to pose for
his painting.
SPIKE
Not your boyfriend.
She gives him nothing.
SPIKE
I recognize that model.
He points at another painting of Kaylee on some stairs, her
legs positioned in almost the same way as when Spike first
saw her.
KAYLEE
The bush give it away?
SPIKE
As I said then, it would be a moment
I'd never forget.
A silent beat. Heavy.
KAYLEE
There's some more grey in the goatee.
SPIKE
Well, knowing how you like older
men...
KAYLEE
Old men. Please.
(beat)
How’s the writing going? Get anyone
attached yet?
SPIKE
You mean, apart from you?
This throws her off balance, but only for a moment.
KAYLEE
Oh, there's nothing in there for me.
They both have their thoughts taking them away.
SPIKE
You never let me take your pictures.
KAYLEE
I only pose nude for painting.
Photographs cheapen it all somehow.
SPIKE
Clothes on. It would be my honor if
you were my last subject before I
sell all my gear.
KAYLEE
Why would you sell it?
SPIKE
Well... I did a rewrite on my script,
with a different angle on the genie
character. Musings... anyway, an exec
I had a colleague send it to
responded well. Asked me to come to
the lot for a meeting about it.
Her eyes go wide.
KAYLEE
That's amazing!
She hugs him. The energy hits them both. Kaylee pulls back.
SPIKE
Um, yeah, so I need to stop wasting
time taking pictures and focus on the
writing.
KAYLEE
Time... we only have so much of it.
SPIKE
Some of us more than others.
(beat)
Like Rex.
She chuckles at this. He looks over. They lock eyes. Did he
just reel her in?
SPIKE
Quick drink?
(Gibson from
Braveheart)
"Would you be willing to trade all
the drinks, from this one to that,
for one chance, just one chance,
to--"
KAYLEE
"Tell our enemies, that they may take
our nude photos, but they'll never
take our freedom!"
He laughs.
SPIKE
Why does your Mel Gibson sound like
he’s from Boyle Heights?
KAYLEE
Buy me a drink and I'll tell you.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
25 -
Bittersweet Farewell
INT. VENICE ALE HOUSE - ABBOT KINNEY BLVD - NIGHT
Kaylee sits across from Spike, glasses of whisky in front of
them.
KAYLEE
I can't believe the cop thought you
were a bum. Sorry you had that
moment, and sorry for that other
movie hurting your chance, but hey,
you got that meeting, so you never
know. Sometimes a movie does great
and everyone wants something like it,
right?
Kaylee looks to the BARTENDER, 40s, a middle-aged Marlon
Brando doppelgänger.
KAYLEE
Talking of bums...
SPIKE
“You don't understand! I coulda had
class. I coulda been a contender."
KAYLEE
"I coulda been somebody, instead of a
bum, which is what I am.”
They giggle together then stop movie gabbing for a
nanosecond. They stare, and we can tell they’re thinking:
“We’re perfect together, why, how did we blow it?” He notices
a copy of his script in her bag.
KAYLEE
It was good catching up, but I should
head back to the gallery. Good luck
with your next pitch meeting.
He gets up as she does out of respect, bumping his satchel.
She notices the book inside -- a first edition Hemingway: A
Moveable Feast. He sees her eye line.
SPIKE
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s
first edition.
KAYLEE
Unless it’s Hemingway.
He hesitates, then pulls it out.
SPIKE
It’s yours. Take it. And this. A
bookmark.
He slips the letter he wrote into the book. This small act
melts her - how can he see her as special as he does?
She leans in and kisses him and this time it's she who has to
pull herself away. She stares at his handsome face. She then
turns away before he can see the tear gently rolling down her
cheek.
She almost turns and runs back into his arms but stops
herself when she looks out at Rex's gallery, and she leaves.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
26 -
A Letter from Spike
INT. HOLLYWOOD CASTING DIRECTOR'S WAITING ROOM - DAY
Kaylee is sitting in a large waiting room with about twenty
other "KAYLEES." Most of them read over sides, but Kaylee is
flipping through Spike's script. Another actress, LOOKALIKE
KAYLEE 1, chimes in.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
They gave you the whole script?
KAYLEE
Oh, no, this is a friend’s.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Oooh, is he looking to cast?
Kaylee closes the script and slides it into her bag.
KAYLEE
If he ever manages to crack it, I'm
sure.
Her hand in her bag, she sees the Hemingway. She pulls out
the bookmark. Opens it. A letter.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Is that a letter? Who writes letters
anymore?
KAYLEE
(almost to herself)
Seasoned men...
Kaylee reads the first line of her letter:
“Dear Kaylee, I’m sorry for letting you get away.”
SPIKE (V.O.)
But I’m not sorry I met you. You are
quite beautiful and quite dark and
quite exquisite.
His words pull her away to her memories...
MEMORY FLASHES
-- Spike smiling seductively. Standing as she enters. Messing
up with the Khandy incident.
SPIKE (V.O.)
You’re beautiful and kind-hearted,
the kind of woman I can’t resist. But
you’re also funny and love old
movies.
-- Spike doing pull-ups with muscular arms at Gold’s, Spike’s
firm bum wiggling as he sprints up the stairs.
SPIKE (V.O.)
I started rewriting my script with
you in mind when we met. But it seems
I’ve fallen in love with my fantasy,
leading lady. Only... it’s not
fantasy because it's you. You’re the
girl I wish I’d met twenty years ago.
-- Spike swallowing the Scotch which still tastes of her
lips.
SPIKE (V.O.)
You know you’re falling in love when
you don’t dream about making love to
someone, but dream about being in
love with them. And if I never get
the real thing, then my only wish is
I never wake up from this dream...
BACK TO SCENE
Kaylee's tears start to smudge the ink, and it’s made worse
when she uses the letter as a hankie, smudging ink on her
nose. Lookalike Kaylee reaches into her purse and offers a
tissue.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Why the tears, hun?
KAYLEE
I’m falling in love with an older
man.
Kaylee takes the tissue, notices she has smudged the last
line of the letter too much.
KAYLEE
Oh, God. I can’t read the last line,
I’ve smudged it.
Lookalike Kaylee daubs it with another tissue.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Lemme see here...
(reading)
You seem to be hiring--hiding a dark
secret, but your scent--secret, will
always be safe with me. Andre.
(beat)
Oooh, is he French?
KAYLEE
Andrew. Or, Spike, Spikey.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Well, whatever his name is, from that
last line alone, I’d say he’s crazy
about your ass. Any gems in his
script like that line?
She thinks. Pulls it out and flips until she finds it.
KAYLEE
(reading)
Women fall in love through the ear...
The other woman plays with the line in her head.
LOOKALIKE KAYLEE 1
Sounds like you got a romantic one
there.
A young, brusque CASTING ASSISTANT, 20s, calls out:
CASTING ASSISTANT
Kaylee Parsons?
Genres:
["Drama","Romance"]
Ratings
Scene
27 -
Auditioning for Dreams
EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT - WRITERS' ROOMS - SAME TIME
Spike dreamily walks around the Paramount writers’ offices
right out of Sunset Boulevard. He’s frozen, spellbound.
SPIKE
(blown away)
How am I even walking through this
place right now?
INT. CASTING OFFICE STUDIO - SAME TIME
Kaylee stares into the camcorder. The CASTING DIRECTOR,
SHARON, 50s, is tired. It's the end of a long day.
SHARON
Just read it straight, dear. You're
pushing. Let the camera see you.
She follows her instructions. She looks deep in the camera,
her charisma kicks in...
KAYLEE
Is he not... magnificent, sister? The
vanquished are to be placed inside
bottles, slaves forever, not... not
men like him.
Sharon is pulled in by the delivery, but then shakes her
head, checks the sides...
SHARON
That's not in the script.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance"]
Ratings
Scene
28 -
Pitching Dreams
INT. PARAMOUNT STUDIO BIGWIG'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Spike falls into a huge couch in the sweltering office of the
sphinx-like producer, JOE ZUCKERMAN, 60s. Zuckerman never
takes his eyes off his iPhone. The thermostat shows eighty.
ZUCKERMAN
Give me the logline agin, and think
cool.
Spike tries to embody cool...
SPIKE
The Thief of Dubai follows a jaded
adventurer as he discovers a magical
lamp with a genie inside that not
only challenges the man he's become,
but ignites the man he's been afraid
to become.
Zuckerman marinates in this as Spike watches him closely. He
waits, waits, leaning forward inch by inch in anticipation.
ZUCKERMAN
I'm still listening.
Spike grabs the air in his hand, passion exploding from him
now.
SPIKE
The genie, this woman trapped by her
secrets and fears, Kayl--I mean
Rezana, a Black woman, is--
ZUCKERBERG
Wait, a Black genie? How does that
make sense?
SPIKE
Will Smith, sir?
Zuckerberg takes that in. Agrees.
ZUCKERBERG
Keep painting the picture.
Spike smiles, energized.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
29 -
Unheard Truths
INT. CASTING OFFICE STUDIO - SAME TIME
Kaylee, unfazed by the confused Casting Director, keeps
going, impassioned.
KAYLEE
Every man who's freed me from my
prison, every wish they requested,
every wish I granted, was about
them...
SHARON
Miss Parsons, I'm not sure what's
happening here.
Kaylee looks from the camera to right in Sharon's eyes.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance"]
Ratings
Scene
30 -
A Pitch in Distraction
INT. PARAMOUNT STUDIO BIGWIG'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Zuckerman starts to lose interest as Spike gets a bit
distracted by his reaction. Spike looks around the room,
locks onto a poster from Alexander Korda's "The Thief of
Bagdad" on Zuckerman's wall. Zuckerman notices.
ZUCKERMAN
It's an original, signed by Korda.
Something about the poster stirs up something magical in
Spike.
SPIKE
And Jack finally realizes that the
only thing he has to do is release
the fear that he's lived under his
entire life... the fear that he's
wasted his life chasing a dream that
he believes will give him the
validation he's always craved...
Zuckerman now looks even more confused than before.
SPIKE
When this woman giving him her heart
is all the validation he'll ever
need...
Zuckerman waits for more but Spike is lost in his thoughts of
Kaylee.
ZUCKERMAN
I just don’t get it, bud.
Spike is pulled back into the moment. Realizes he's lost his
chance here.
SPIKE
Don't, um, don't get which part?
ZUCKERMAN
You lost me at fade in.
Spike's stomach drops. Didn't realize it went that badly,
then Zuckerman bursts into laughter at this well-worn gag.
Spike mimes a belly wobble laugh.
ZUCKERMAN
Seriously, man, your pitching skills
are for shit. But Zeke passing this
along means it's worth the read. If I
find the script is better than the
pitch, you'll hear from me.
Hey, it's something. Spike smiles. But he looks distracted by
his personal epiphany.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
31 -
Heart's Revelation
INT. CASTING OFFICE STUDIO - SAME TIME
Kaylee steps up to Sharon.
KAYLEE
But this man, Jack... His only wish
was for me not to be bound. And
you're right. He is a thief. But he
didn't steal my heart. It was...
Kaylee pauses, looks away from Sharon and to the floor in
front of her, and as an epiphany hits her...
KAYLEE
It was always his to have...
She smiles and beelines to the door and out of the room,
leaving Sharon flabbergasted.
SHARON
Actors.
Genres:
["Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
32 -
Chasing Shadows
EXT. VENICE CANAL WOODEN BRIDGE - STRONGS DRIVE - NIGHT
The bridge seems to burn in the evening light as Spike walks
along, a mix of hope and failure brewing within.
EXT. MARINA DEL REY - VENICE PENINSULA, CALIFORNIA - NIGHT
In the fog that creeps down the peninsula streets, Kaylee, a
bit lost, walks quickly as she looks at each condo's number.
In the mist, she spots SPIKE'S DOPPELGÄNGER, 40s, and takes
off after him.
KAYLEE
Spike! Spikey! Andrew, English writer
guy! Hey!
She gets caught in a long leash restraining a Pit Bull which
THE OWNER, 50s, fails to reel in. She runs. The Pit runs.
Gets loose from the his owner, chases Kaylee, tackles her
into piles of construction materials next to a large garbage
bin, rolls her through it, and licks and slobbers all over
her face.
The owner finally gets to her and pulls the friendly Pit off
her.
OWNER
That's enough! Leave the poor lady
alone.
But Kaylee is a soaked mess on the ground, covered in
scrapes, dirt, and DRYWALL DUST head to toe.
KAYLEE
What the hell, you need to control
your dog!
OWNER
Me? You're the one who ran at him
yelling his name.
(to dog)
It's okay, Spike, it's not your
fault.
KAYLEE
His, his name is Spike?
The Owner scoffs and heads off with "Spike."
KAYLEE
My fucking luck.
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
33 -
Unexpected Reunion
EXT. SPIKE'S CONDO - MARINA DEL REY - LATER
Spike, dragging his feet as he goes, lost in his swirling
mind, stops frozen when he gets to the step of his condo to
find Kaylee, a mess with the drywall dust, matted hair and
messy face, sitting there.
SPIKE
Hey...
She looks up in her own daze.
KAYLEE
Hey.
SPIKE
What happened?
KAYLEE
I had an audition.
SPIKE
For what? Fight Club?
KAYLEE
Way to break the first fucking rule,
Spike.
SPIKE
Can I invite you in and help you get
cleaned up?
KAYLEE
Never thought you'd ask.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
34 -
Interrupted Intimacy
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - MARINA DEL REY - NIGHT
She stares at the ceiling as she lies on his couch, Spike
taking a wet cloth to her legs.
SPIKE
I never wanted to know what you
looked like as a white woman.
KAYLEE
Don't fancy me anymore?
SPIKE
This pair of legs could be purple
with yellow polka dots and they'd
still make my heart skip a beat.
KAYLEE
Great legs are your kink, but you
only date older women. Help me
understand.
SPIKE
Legs trump age every time, and yours
are a pair for the ages.
He enjoys running the cloth up and down her legs, softly,
gently, sensuously. She's feeling it...
KAYLEE
You’re such a freak. Don’t let it get
to my head.
SPIKE
I'll do my best. What did you stop by
for, anyway? Free sponge bath?
KAYLEE
I was actually on my way here when
Spike attacked me.
He looks confused.
KAYLEE
Spike was the name of the dog.
SPIKE
No, I got that part. But why were you
on your way here?
She can't seem to cross the line she's put in place for
herself. She grunts and stands.
KAYLEE
To use your bathroom.
Kaylee, sweating, limps to the bathroom. As she goes, Spike's
letter falls from her pocket. Before she closes the door,
Spike picks up the letter. He looks up to see she has turned
back. Her eyes reveal she's read it.
He simply steps to her, folds it into her palm, and kisses
her hand. He turns to give her privacy and she closes the
door, truly touched.
LATER
Spike has his laptop on his knees, typing away at his latest
rewrite. Kaylee has an article about whisky up on her phone,
her feet pushing against his thigh as she stares at Spike,
gently touching her lips.
KAYLEE
I would never have thought the man
who wrote that script was the same
who wrote that letter...
SPIKE
(distracted)
Oh, yeah, letter was an early draft,
needed work.
KAYLEE
No. It didn't. It was the best final
draft I may have ever read. If you
put more of that... heart in the
script, it'll melt the panties off
every reader it finds.
He smiles and gives her a quick look, but just as quickly has
his eyes back on his laptop screen.
The smile she had falls away.
KAYLEE
Pitch meeting must've went well if
all you can concentrate on is reading
your script for the thousandth time.
SPIKE
Just need to make sure I didn't miss
anything because if this guy loves
the read, it could complete my life.
This comment hurt her. He's clueless of course, but she pulls
her feet away from him and sits up, shaking her head like
she's an idiot for coming there like she said. Then his
bookshelf catches her eye.
She gets up and walks to it.
KAYLEE
Wait, so, history, lots of Hemingway,
poems by Hardy...
(scanning the titles)
You like Turner, true father of
impressionism? But... no Camille
Pissarro.
(pondering)
Why is a well-read man chasing
success by writing a genre fluff
script when he could write something
that could make an actual impact on
an audience?
He looks to her. What that an insult?
There is a framed Pissarro, The Auvers Road on the wall. But
what really catches her eye is a bottle of Brora whisky from
1972. She grabs it like she's found The Rosetta Stone.
KAYLEE
Brora? This must be worth seven
grand!
SPIKE
Eight.
She slips the bottle in her bag.
SPIKE
Um, no. You can't have that one.
Sorry.
She ignores him and grabs another.
KAYLEE
You keep the Kirkland.
He sets aside his laptop and goes to retrieve them from her,
but she gets right into his face.
KAYLEE
If I was a Hardy poem, what would I
be?
SPIKE
(easy)
"O 'Melia, my dear, this does
everything crown! Who could have
supposed I should meet you in Town?
And whence such fair garments, such
prosperity?”
KAYLEE
”O didn't you know I'd been ruined?
Said she.”
(beat)
The Ruined Maid. I’m ruined?
Kaylee looks long and hard at Spike, recovers her composure,
and spots a print of the famous Manet painting where a
scantily dressed female bather enjoys a picnic with two fully
dressed men.
KAYLEE
Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe.
SPIKE
It always says to me: I can’t resist
pale older English men.
KAYLEE
Good thing I can resist pale older
English men.
He steps closer behind her and the breath that comes when he
speaks gives her goosebumps.
SPIKE
Can you?
She turns around, meeting his eyes. But his gaze drifts
downward.
SPIKE
Your body says differently.
She looks to what he's referencing.
SPIKE
Poking through your tee-shirt and
bra. Impressive hidden talent.
The sexual tension is almost too much for both of them. When
it looks like she's about to give in...
KAYLEE
I need some air.
She turns away and walks to the kitchen, pulling one of the
whisky bottles from her bag. He follows her and sees her open
the less expensive whisky and pour them each a glass, but
doesn't stop her. She hands him one.
They take a sip at the same time. Both relish everything
about the experience, making the same faces, taking the same
time to swallow, like looking in a mirror.
She turns to the window, enjoying the view.
KAYLEE
This place suits you. Better than
being right in LA.
He steps up beside her. Shoulders touching. They stare at the
view together.
SPIKE
I saw this chick once in Hollywood,
she was like five-foot-six, brunette,
gorgeous, perfect fake tits, and she
was asking me the way to the
Greyhound station. I just thought...
Who leaves L.A. on a Greyhound Bus?
What the hell was her story? Actress,
came here from the Midwest to make it
big? Got fucked around, waited
tables...
KAYLEE
Slept with the producer to get an
under-five...
SPIKE
Worked the late shift at the
Cheesecake Factory...
KAYLEE
Got into the porn industry, got a
facial from Johnny Sins...
SPIKE
Did charity work at the downtown
men's mission...
KAYLEE
Servicing all the homeless guys...
SPIKE
Decided to devote herself to
spiritual work...
KAYLEE
Banged the priest, bishop, and the
cardinal himself on the altar
itself...
SPIKE
Returned to the Midwest to raise a
family, marry her high-school
sweetheart, pop out four kids, join
the PTA...
KAYLEE
Enjoying an existence that never
measured up to that first week in
L.A., feeling her big break was right
around the corner of Hollywood and
Vine.
SPIKE
Exactly.
They enjoy a moment of sipping their whisky.
KAYLEE
Let’s do the photo shoot. Now.
SPIKE
Seriously?
KAYLEE
This is me. Raw. Natural. If they
don't see that, fuck 'em.
She walks to the couch, flips her hair back, falling half
across her face. She looks up at him, eyes hungry, lips
parted just slightly, natural and sexy as hell.
Spike puts on his best professional demeanor.
SPIKE
Sh-sure you don't want to touch up
with some makeup or anything?
KAYLEE
Do you think I need to?
SPIKE
I... think you’re perfect.
Her eyes react like nobody has ever used that word to
describe her before. Spike lifts the camera to his eye and
steps closer, focusing on her, picking up the emotion in her
eyes.
KAYLEE
Spike.
He lowers the camera, meeting her stare.
KAYLEE
What do you think it is?
SPIKE
Think what is?
KAYLEE
My dark secret.
He takes a moment, unsure how to answer, and when he opens
his mouth to say something... THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPENS, and
Maria and Jon stumble in, clearly tipsy, all over each other,
not noticing Spike and Kaylee are there in the corner.
They watch as Jon and Maria start to peel each other's
clothes off and speak in whispers to each other.
KAYLEE
Do you know these people?
SPIKE
My best friend and my housekeeper.
KAYLEE
Good title for a script. How long do
you think they'll go before they
notice us?
Jon whips Maria's bra off and dives into her voluptuousness.
KAYLEE
Wow. Good for her.
(beat)
You've seen those before?
She looks to him but he is blooming the view of Maria and
Jon.
SPIKE
I still haven't.
Kaylee smiles at his sign of respect and wave of discomfort.
His eyes shift to a clock on the wall.
SPIKE
Hey... wanna come to a party tonight?
KAYLEE
Someone invited you to a party? You
actually have friends?
SPIKE
(loudly, with a
smirk)
Jon, Maria, ready to go to Peter’s?
With a start, Jon and Maria jump up from the carpet. Jon
tries to cover Maria’s huge breasts but gives up and just
concentrates on using both hands to barely cover one breast.
MARIA
(sheepishly)
Hola, Jefe.
KAYLEE
I love this woman.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
35 -
Whisky and Jealousy
INT. PETER’S UPSCALE SANTA MONICA BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT
Spike’s FRIENDS enjoy dinner and conversation. Kaylee holds
court and does her whisky palate parlor trick. She drips the
drop of whisky from up high once more, and the room lights
up. Spike is again feeling upstaged.
His friend PETER, also British, 50s, handsome, urbane, tries
to be helpful as only the British can.
PETER
She’s younger, better-looking, and
knows her whiskies more intimately
than you, old man. But she looks
young enough--
SPIKE
To be my daughter, I know.
PETER
(jealous)
Well done, old chap.
Spike watches Kaylee's smile captivate the entire room.
LATER
They all play cards. Kaylee cleans up at Blackjack.
KAYLEE
Vingt-et-un encore une fois Madame et
Messieurs, la banque s'il vous plait.
They’re all falling for Kaylee, especially the men.
Looking in from the balcony, Spike doesn't look like he
appreciates what he sees, as soon, all the men are eating out
of her hands; and is she... flirting? Spike's expression
grows a bit dark...
SPIKE
(under his breath)
And that's the problem with dating
younger women...
He steps inside and makes his way over to the card table in
time to hear...
KAYLEE
... and I look down, and Spike is
staring straight into my lady bits!
The room explodes with laughter. He steps into the fray.
SPIKE
Well, that’s not quite how it
happened.
PENELOPE
You always had a thing for bushes!
JON
Pube pirate over here!
More uproarious laughter. Spike smiles as though he takes it
in fun, but Kaylee sees his eyes are not smiling, putting her
off. She steps to him, grabs his hand, and pulls him away.
KAYLEE
Let's get outta this snob-fest and
get a real drink.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
36 -
Whisky Dreams and Barroom Chaos
INT. MERCEDES GRILL - VENICE BEACH - NIGHT
Later at Mercedes, a Cuban hangout on Venice Beach. The
mojitos are strong, and they're both now pretty wasted.
KAYLEE
I'm serious. White people movies are
always way too long.
He looks offended.
SPIKE
Are you saying my script is too long?
KAYLEE
Relax, snowflake. You need to not be
so serious about your "writing."
She slips a shot from a flask into an ice-filled glass. She
then stands on her chair and a few people gather as Kaylee
holds court.
KAYLEE
Ladies and grown-up male children. I
present to you, non-chill-filtered
Gaelic whisky made the old way. The
Americans, you, didn't like the way
whisky turned cloudy when cold.
Modern whisky is chilled to 32
degrees Fahrenheit and passed through
a filter...
Kaylee spins the glass. She removes the ice and adds a drop
of water. Spike pouts as fellow male patrons are drawn to
her. He tenses at the pattern.
KAYLEE
(starting to slur)
To vulcanize it. Good transference of
nose to palate. Slightly creamy with
a touch of licorice.
(obnoxious)
Just like what's between my legs!
She laughs hard but the women in the room start to look
embarrassed for her, and the men look about to drool.
SPIKE
Come on, Darling, let these nice
people finish their meal.
He reaches up and grabs her hand, pulling her to him and
catching her, setting her down on her chair. The crowd, some
chuckling, some sighing in disappointment at the early end to
the show.
She stares at him, offended, as he pulls out his iPhone,
reacting to a notification.
KAYLEE
Is there something about me that has
you thinking I need a shine in
knighting armor to resh--rescue me or
something?
He doesn't hear her or respond as he sees the notification is
an email from Zuckerberg. He taps it. Starts to read...
SPIKE (V.O.)
(reading)
I read the script. Still an
interesting, extremely high-concept
idea. Brings to mind Gods of Egypt.
And we've seen a lot of these same
tropes in The Mummy films, and I'm
concerned about similarities to
Apple's recent Fountain of Youth. Not
to mention how certain ethnicities
and nations will feel about
depictions. Gonna have to be... a
pass.
(speaking aloud)
A fucking pass.
Kaylee bounces a fizzle stick off Spike's forehead.
KAYLEE
I said, is there something about me
that says I need a knight in shining
armor to rescue me?
Spike looks at her seriously.
SPIKE
I'm starting to think I'm the one who
needs rescuing, from this soul-
sucking city
This clearly surprises her.
KAYLEE
And what the fuck would that look
like?
SPIKE
We find a little pub in the country.
You could be the brew mistress.
KAYLEE
Whisky brewer. I could do that.
SPIKE
We could brew chilled--
KAYLEE
Un-chill-filtered Gaelic whisky.
A real moment. He reaches for her hand, she lays hers in his.
SPIKE
I could be the local squire, caring
for my village.
KAYLEE
Fucking all the dairymaids...
SPIKE
Casting a benevolent eye on my
domain, protecting the people from
Viking incursions...
KAYLEE
Having the right to a virgin maiden
on her wedding night...
SPIKE
Giving away the bride...
KAYLEE
Sodomizing the married women,
buggering their husbands.
SPIKE
We’ll call the whisky...
KAYLEE
Temeraire.
SPIKE
Sounds too good to be true.
He looks back at his phone, as though the email from
Zuckerberg may have magically changed. Her eyes narrow at
this.
KAYLEE
That's because it is. Because even
there, all that'll make you happy is
selling your fucking screenplay. It's
all that will make you feel worthy.
That's your dark secret. Except it's
so easy to see, it's not even funny.
It looks like she has his number. Kaylee waves him off and
staggers to the bar.
The relaxed BARTENDER, 40s, eyeballs her. So does HOT GUY
JEFF, 40s, an obnoxious, silver-haired South-Bay-type
propping up the bar.
BARTENDER
I saw your lecture over there. You
like malt whisky, huh?
KAYLEE
I like Gaelic--
(hiccup)
--whisky, chi--unch--chi--filtered.
BARTENDER
Huh?
She holds the whisky up to the light. Downs it.
HOT GUY JEFF
So hot.
KAYLEE
What?
HOT GUY JEFF
A young chick drinking old Gaelic
whisky. A girl like that would love a
drive in Jeff's 'Vette.
Hot Guy Jeff is pretty slammed himself. He checks out her
chest.
HOT GUY JEFF
You’ve got that Jennifer Aniston tee-
shirt look down to a science.
KAYLEE
I don’t know who that means but I'm
picking up that you're a pretty
shallow motherfucker. Am I right?
HOT GUY JEFF
(proudly)
Yep.
KAYLEE
I could be down for that...
She slides along the bar, barely able to stand straight.
Kaylee sees Spike slowly approaching, watching every move she
makes. But he isn't responding to her attempt to get a
reaction so she straightens herself up.
KAYLEE
... if I was the most desperate woman
on the planet.
She laughs in his face and moves to walk past him.
HOT GUY JEFF
Have another whisky and you'll change
your mind, doll.
He starts to paw her like a big cat with a kill. Spike, now
finally paying attention, staggers over, alarmed at the
scene.
SPIKE
Hi honey, ready to go?
KAYLEE
Not yet... Daddy.
HOT GUY JEFF
You her father?
SPIKE
Grandfather. It's time for bedtime
stories, and predators aren't
invited.
Hot Guy grabs Kaylee's arm again and with the other, swings
at Spike, but Spike gives him a wicked cut to the solar
plexus which winds him. Hot Guy Jeff doubles over.
SPIKE
You don't touch a lady like that,
asshole.
Kaylee watches Spike and is definitely turned on. He looks to
her.
SPIKE
Wasn't trying to be a knight in
shining armor. I just hate pricks.
You good?
KAYLEE
You weren't afraid of him? Didn't you
see his arms?
SPIKE
Afraid? I’m a wannabe screenwriter in
Hollywood. I ain't afraid of
anything. Except maybe... the truth.
She smiles at him warmly, almost apologetically, and then --
BAAAAARF -- she VOMITS all over his chest and passes out in
his arms, falling into the vomit, causing him to close his
eyes and attempt not to vomit himself.
SPIKE
Perfect end to a perfect evening.
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - NIGHT
Spike kicks open his door and bridal-carries a passed-out
Kaylee across the threshold and into his...
BEDROOM
He lays her down on his bed, lays a blanket over her, looks
to his shirt, gags a bit, then closes the door behind him as
he heads to the shower.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
37 -
Morning After Confusion
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - BEDROOM - MORNING
Kaylee wakes up in Spike's bed. She looks around, confused,
gains her bearings and realizes where she is. She checks the
other side of the bed, doesn't look slept in. She is still in
her same clothes. She smells them, grimaces.
She slips out of bed, opens the door, and quietly steps out.
She pauses as she hears a BEEP down the hall and then...
VOICE ON ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
Hi Andrew, this is Renee. We're gonna
pass on The Thief of Dubai. We really
like your story but feel it may be
too much of a clash with other
Aladdin projects... as well as just
too big for it to be viable for us.
Thanks for thinking of us. Good luck.
Genres:
["Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
38 -
Creative Crisis and Comedic Chaos
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - OFFICE - SAME TIME
Spike stands before the answering machine, shaking his head
side to side, eyes closed, like this is the last thing needed
to break his spirit.
In the doorway, Kaylee appears. She waits as she hears the
beginning of stifled cries. But when his back starts to heave
a bit, she walks in, lays her hands on his shoulders, then
around to his chest and just holds him as he lets it out.
After a few moments, his cries come to an end, he sniffles
them away, and takes a breath.
SPIKE
It's crap.
He steps out of her embrace and to his laptop where the
script sits open. He closes it, opens the file menu and
starts DELETING THE SCRIPT FILES.
KAYLEE
(panicked)
What are you doing?
SPIKE
It's trash!
KAYLEE
Don’t do that. You created that!
SPIKE
I'll never sell it!
KAYLEE
Don't give up like th--
Her face grows pale and she gags a bit. Puts her hand over
her mouth.
Spike realizes he just deleted his work and suddenly looks
sick. Puts his hand over his mouth.
They both bolt to the door, Spike snagging his laptop and
having it drop to the floor as he goes. They both squeeze
through the office door and into the...
BATHROOM
And heave in unison into the toilet. The streams collide
until they're both done. The each roll onto their asses on
either side of the toilet. And after a minute, laugh at how
ridiculous their lives have become.
They wipe each other off, giggle, and grin sheepishly over
their narrow escape... Then comes A MASSIVE JOINT BARF and
they cover each other this time. Exorcist-style stuff.
MARIA (O.S.)
Dios mio!
They look up to see Maria aghast as she stares at them in
horror.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
39 -
Dreams and Discontent
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - KITCHEN - LATER
Kaylee and Spike down Advils with Alka-Seltzer water. They
looks as pathetic as they feel.
KAYLEE
Why screenwriting?
He looks at her, unsure what she means.
KAYLEE
Your passion for whisky seems to
match it. But whisky has therapeutic
properties screenwriting can never
provide. So why screenwriting?
SPIKE
I think... it's the one thing I never
felt like a failure while doing.
Doing the actual writing. Creating.
Building. I tried writing poetry,
novels, tried painting, photography.
They felt like they made me a creator
of something, but... there's
something about creating something on
that blank page that will then cause
hundreds, even thousands of people
working together to bring it to life.
Like it matters. Like I matter.
She takes this in. Finally understands who this man is.
KAYLEE
You matter even if that doesn't
happen, Spike.
He shrugs it off.
SPIKE
Well, it doesn't matter because I'm
done. I'm too old. It's a young man's
game. I'm going hang up my pen and
brew my own whisky.
KAYLEE
No you're not.
SPIKE
Excuse me?
KAYLEE
That's my dream.
SPIKE
I wanted to brew my own whisky long
before you walked into my life.
KAYLEE
Not as much as you wanted to write
movies, though, right?
He looks at her like she gets him more than anyone ever has.
KAYLEE
Polish the script, sell it, and we’ll
create our own local whisky
distillery. Together.
Like he didn't even hear her.
SPIKE
I’m too old to still believe I ever
had a chance.
KAYLEE
This is why I don’t date writers. You
can't win with a manic depressive who
isn't even a manic depressive. You’re
just another defeatist Neanderthal.
Shame on me for thinking you'd be
different.
She gets off her chair and turns away. He doesn't try to stop
her.
KAYLEE
Adios, Maria. Please make sure Spike
doesn't wank too much. His old heart
probably can't take much more.
MARIA
Oh, no, señorita. He likes it, very,
very much.
Spike erupts with a GUTTURAL SCREAM.
SPIKE
I'm gonna move to the Outer Hebrides!
Anywhere there's no bloody women! And
definitely NO YOUNG WOMEN!
KAYLEE
I can’t believe I was falling for a
man who gives up his dream, but
daydreams all the time.
She steps into the...
BEDROOM
to grab her things and as she is about to exit, something
catches her eye...
IN THE HALLWAY
A moment later, Kaylee exits the bedroom, fresh sadness on
her face. She walks past the office, her eyes fall on the
laptop on the floor, the screen facing the door on its side.
She tilts her head to see it at the right angle.
What is that photo on the screen?
Is that... her?
She steps in. Squats down. Picks up the laptop.
The screen has the photo app open, and the picture is from
Spike's angle down the stairs as he was talking to her, and
he took a photo of her crotch as her baggy shorts are to the
side.
She looks like she's about to get sick all over again.
KITCHEN
Spike rubs his forehead, slips off his chair, walks over, and
flops himself down on the couch in defeat. Before he can let
out a deep sigh...
KAYLEE (O.S.)
You pervert!
Spike is confused until he looks to see Kaylee holding up the
laptop displaying the photo he covertly took of her.
SPIKE
You're going through my files?
He sits up.
KAYLEE
Your files? You mean your covert
shots of unsuspecting women?
SPIKE
You really think I would do that? I
uploaded my pics this morning, and
saw that on there, which was not an
intentional pic. I must've hit the
button when you sprayed water in my
face. I was about to delete it but
got pulled away from the computer.
KAYLEE
Fucking Peeping Tom creep playing the
long game.
SPIKE
Not even, you had your legs open for
the world to see before I even got
close.
SLAP! Right across his face.
KAYLEE
For fuck's sake, what's wrong with
you?!
He snatches the laptop from her hand and slaps it closed.
SPIKE
What's wrong with me? That's rich,
coming from you, lover of online
privacy, going through my personal
things. Such a... bitch.
Maria covers her ears when she hears this and starts praying
to herself.
KAYLEE
Black Bitch, you mean. At least have
the balls to say it.
SPIKE
I would never say that.
KAYLEE
But you thought it. I now know why
you've been divorced so many times.
SPIKE
That’s so unfair.
KAYLEE
I can't even with you.
She scoffs and starts heading to the door.
SPIKE
You know what else is unfair? Making
a big deal about me photographing
you, in a barely revealing Basic
Instinct moment, but old man Rex gets
to paint every inch of you without
argument.
This snaps her back at him.
KAYLEE
My body is art. And Rex is an artist.
SPIKE
And I’m just a lech.
KAYLEE
You said it.
SPIKE
I thought you looked great, and I
never knew I would see you again.
KAYLEE
Looked great? I am great, asshole.
And I don’t need photos of my cooch
on random guys' computers to validate
my worth as a strong Black woman.
SPIKE
So that's your dark secret.
KAYLEE
Excuse me?
SPIKE
Young Black girl anxiety. And you'll
project every scandalous and
surprising thing you possibly can so
nobody can ever see it.
She holds in her explosive rage and takes a moment. She then
reaches into her pocket and pulls out Jonella's Plumeria
Bouquet thong and throws them at him. Spike looks confused.
KAYLEE
Maybe I do, because of shit like this
and men like you.
SPIKE
Those are probably Maria's. You saw
Jon rip her clothes off.
MARIA
Those are not mine.
SPIKE
Maria...
KAYLEE
We’re done, we’re over.
SPIKE
We never started!
And she's gone. Maria lowers her eyes to the floor and leaves
as well. And the moment hits Spike...
SPIKE
(to himself)
Yeah, bud, you got a way with words,
my ass.
He makes a decision and beelines for the door.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Character Study"]
Ratings
Scene
40 -
A Heartbreaking Farewell
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND SPIKE'S CONDO - NIGHT
Kaylee dashes down the alley. Spike chases her but halts in
pain with a pulled muscle.
SPIKE
Yeah, run back to Rex!
He watches her as she stops walking. He thinks, searches,
tries to come up with anything to reverse the moment. And
then...
SPIKE
(a la Jack Nicholson)
“Forget it Jake, it’s...”
He waits for her response, on his knees.
KAYLEE
Too easy!
(she turns to him)
"It's Chinatown."
(beat, then in a
shaky Charlton
Heston)
“This... could be very bad for us.”
Spike panics. He can’t place it.
Kaylee is almost as distraught, as if knowing the line will
bring them back together, reunite them.
She waits for a beat, listens, and when nothing comes from
him, she turns to walk out of his life forever.
SPIKE
Marry me!
This stops her dead. She turns to him like he's a madman,
only to see him back on his feet and now only ten feet from
her.
KAYLEE
No. Not now. Not like this. Never
like this.
SPIKE
I'm reading subtext there that
says... maybe later?
His smile cuts through her and she lets one out just a
little. Before her tears take over and...
KAYLEE
No. No subtext. No marriage. No us.
You don't have a genie that can make
this go away, make me forget. All you
have is yourself.
And with that, she does walk out of his life. And he crumples
back to his knees.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance"]
Ratings
Scene
41 -
Wishes and Realities
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO - MARINA DEL REY - NIGHT
Maria places a statue of St. Jude on Spike’s desk. She puts a
coffee there and pretends again to squeeze milk from her
breast into it as she hides something behind her back.
MARIA
Café con leche?
SPIKE
Con leche.
MARIA
You are so sad, Mr. Andrew. It's been
two weeks. You need be not so
depressing.
SPIKE
Gee. Good pep talk.
She sets down on his desk what was behind her back. A genie
lamp.
She straightens his hair, gently, sisterly runs her hands
through it.
MARIA
A man can not change the asshole he
is. God made them all that way. But
the man can change how much asshole
he is.
SPIKE
As badly worded as that was... it
makes perfect sense.
MARIA
You welcome. Next week you give me
raise.
She leaves him staring at the genie lamp.
Spike stares at it for a long time, then looks to his shelf
where the $8,000 whisky sits. He makes a decision, reaches
for it, walks to the door, but comes back, grabs the lamp,
and...
SPIKE
I wish I could change how much
asshole I is...
Maria, from the hallway, watches with tears in her eyes as
the floating dust seems to sparkle, transforming the room and
the man within it.
Spike sets down the lamp just as his landline RINGS. He moves
to answer but stops himself. Looks to the lamp, makes a
choice to leave the call and go after the girl.
As he crosses the threshold, the answering machine picks up
and...BEEP...
ZUCK (O.S.)
(from answering
machine)
Andrew, this is Zuck here. My
assistant read the rewrite of your
script that you begged him to read.
Spike listens, but knowing another rejection is coming, he
heads down the hall and we stay on the answering machine.
ZUCK (O.S.)
And I don't know how you fucking did
it, but he said I had to read it and
I did. And you knocked it out of the
park. I don't know how we're gonna
play it and package it, but come into
my office first thing Monday and
let's put a deal together.
After a moment, like he's in slow-motion, Spike backs into
the door frame and stares at the answering machine, jaw
dropped.
He then looks to Maria.
SPIKE
Did you hear that? You heard that,
right? I didn't imagine it? I'm not
asleep?
Maria nods that she heard it loud and clear.
He grabs her, picks her up, spins her, and WOO-HOOOOS into
the air. he then sets her down, eyes his $8,000 Brora and
grabs it. He speaks to it:
SPIKE
And this is the moment the guy gets
the girl back.
BEGIN MONTAGE:
-- Spike goes looking for Kaylee, in her local bar, the
gallery, Peets... nowhere to be found.
-- Kaylee, moving on with her life, stands with Rex as she
shakes hands with a REAL ESTATE WOMAN in an expensive suit.
They walk into a cool building with architecture that makes
it look like an old castle.
-- Spike sits across from Zuckerberg, all smiles. Zuckerberg
slides him over an offer. Spike's eyes nearly fall out of his
head. He turns as though to tell Kaylee about it but of
course he is sitting there alone. The reality is this moment
sucks.
-- Kaylee shakes hands with a number of INVESTORS, inside the
old castle building, looking to Rex, who winks at her.
-- Spike sits in his condo, at his desk, alone. He stares at
his laptop and the accidental picture he snapped of Kaylee.
He moves the cursor over the delete button and deletes it
from the computer, cloud, everywhere it could possibly be.
-- Kaylee steps backward in her distillery, motioning for
someone to alter whatever they are doing just a little. She
gives them a thumbs up, and she smiles, tears in her eyes, at
the painting Rex did of her, bold and beautiful.
-- Spike sitting alone at a bar, sips a whisky, looking
forlorn, when he should be on top of the world for making his
dreams come true.
- Kaylee sits at her bar, opening a box and looking inside,
pulling something out we don't see, pride on her face. She
looks to her side to enjoy the moment with Spike, but of
course, like in his similar moment, nobody is there. She
enjoys the moment, alone.
END MONTAGE
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
42 -
A Lesson in Cèilidh
INT. YE OLDE KING’S HEAD PUB - SANTA MONICA - NIGHT
Spike, worn, tired, and lonely, sits at the same bar,
straining to see the TV from afar.
It shows a Scottish festival and Gaelic dancing. There’s a
clip of a Celtic dance, a cèilidh, (Kaylee) but Spike hasn’t
got his glasses and can't quite make it out. He takes a photo
with his phone.
LOCAL TV STATION
Coming up after the break, all the
way from Scotland, Celtic folk
dancers show us a Cèilidh (Kaylee).
He looks back at the TV when he hears "Kaylee."
SPIKE
Kaylee?
BARTENDER
(Irish accent)
Aye. Cèilidh's one of our best Celtic
dances. Perfectly defines the Irish
people.
SPIKE
How is it spelled?
BARTENDER
C.E.I.L.I.D.H.
Spike types it into his phone as the Bartender recites.
SPIKE
That spells Kaylee?
BARTENDER
Isn't is obvious?
Spike looks up at the man who has a shit-eating grin on his
face. Spike shakes his head in awe.
SPIKE
Well Fuck me...
Spike throws some cash on the bar.
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
43 -
Redemption Through Research
INT. SPIKE'S CONDO OFFICE - NIGHT
Spike, at his computer, a whisky in a glass next to him,
slowly Googles "Céilidh Parsons."
His eyes widen as a number of links populate. He scans them
over, runs his cursor along the first few, pausing at LOCAL
PASTOR SCAMMED OUT OF CHURCH CASHLOAD.
Spike clicks it.
SPIKE
(reading)
Pastor Ronald Parsons... victim of a
Nigerian e-mail scam... Parsons
enlisted the help of the entire
parish to contribute... found out it
was a fraud... but too late. Had to
file personal bankruptcy, the church
shuttered its doors, and he was
forced from his community out of
shame, along with his... family.
(pause)
His only daughter, Céilidh, who now
lives in Los Angeles... vowed never
to be found online... again.
Spike leans back. Sighs. Looks ashamed.
SPIKE
And the Oscar for complete asshat
goes to...
But he snaps himself out of it. Sits up straight. Cracks his
knuckles. Wiggles his fingers.
SPIKE
Nobody does research like a
screenwriter. Let's do this shit.
He begins typing, a man on a mission of love and redemption.
LATER
Spike, looking like he hasn't even slept, the sun peeking
through the window as it rises for the day, freezes like he's
just found Colonel Sanders' secret.
His eyes scan left to right across the screen again and
again.
SPIKE
(a la Jack Sparrow)
"Not all treasure is silver and gold,
mate."
Genres:
["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
44 -
A Rainy Proposal at the Distillery
EXT. THE TEMERAIRE DISTILLERY - CULVER CITY - DAY
A rare L.A. downpour rains down on the old castle-style
building, now converted into a whisky distillery. Kaylee,
jacket over her hair to keep her dry, hurries to the door and
disappears inside.
She shakes her coat off and looks inside, excited to see a
lot of customers milling about. Curious, she is about to take
a step deeper when...
SPIKE (O.S.)
But few distilleries still use worm
tubs. Some people say the whisky's
superior to that cooled...
SPIKE (O.S.) KAYLEE
...in a modern... ...in a modern...
SPIKE (O.S.)
Condenser.
She's in shock at his voice. She takes a few more steps and
sees Spike, on a chair, addressing the room, with Maria, Jon,
and some of Spike's other friends, and some she has never
seen before.
She meets Spike's eyes. He steps off the chair. Walks over to
her, pours some whisky from the bottle in his hand, and hands
it to her.
She smells it in the snifter, then tastes it.
KAYLEE
Dark, smooth, and--
SPIKE
Breathtaking. Like something you've
never tasted before, every single
time you taste it.
KAYLEE
What's it called?
He turns the bottle around.
The label reads: Céilidh.
SPIKE
Céilidh.
KAYLEE
You found my secret after all.
SPIKE
It never needed to be one. But... I
was surprised at the Celtic spelling.
KAYLEE
(offended)
Why, because I'm Black?
He is shocked at the accusation.
SPIKE
No, I--
She laughs at him.
KAYLEE
Just fuckin' with ya. My parents
started out as teachers, and every
other name reminded them of one
annoying kid or another. They loved
Scotland, so went with Céilidh.
SPIKE
Well, now that I know how to spell
your name... I have one question I
would like to ask you.
KAYLEE
If it's what I think it is, I--
SPIKE
Will you star in my movie?
Her face says this is not the question she expected.
KAYLEE
Your what?
SPIKE
My script. Your part. The genie. Will
you play her in the movie?
KAYLEE
Wait, how are you making your movie?
Wh--
SPIKE
I sold it. With a clause. That I get
final decision on the role of the
leading lady. And that she would be
played by my wife.
This knocks her back even more. Everyone is watching and
waiting. Not a murmur in the room.
KAYLEE
Your wife?
SPIKE
If you'll do me the honor.
KAYLEE
Spike...
SPIKE
I love you. I knew it the moment I
saw you. And I will know it every
moment for the rest of my life.
(beat)
Which will statistically be much
shorter than yours, so really, you're
not risking much by saying yes.
Many around the room laugh. She smiles. He takes her hand.
Pulls out a ring from his pocket.
KAYLEE
One... condition?
SPIKE
Anything.
KAYLEE
The name of the movie. The one I
quoted the first time you asked me to
marry you, like a crazy man.
He thinks...
SPIKE
“This... could be very bad for us?”
She nods yes, that's the one.
He leans closer to her.
SPIKE
Touch of Evil. Directed by Orson
Welles. 1958.
KAYLEE
You... may now kiss the bride.
They kiss, and it’s a perfect kiss this time. The entire room
explodes in excitement. As their lips part:
KAYLEE
I guess if I'm gonna be your genie...
I have to grant you a wish.
SPIKE
How about we both get a wish?
KAYLEE
I wish...
SPIKE
I wish...
KAYLEE SPIKE
That Spike would love me That Kaylee would love me
forever. forever.
And they will.
KAYLEE
Now gimme some more of that whisky.
After all, it's got my name all over
it.
She winks as we...
FADE OUT
CREDIT MONTAGE
Professional wedding photos of a wedding party dissolve and
cross-fade as guests stream from Eilean Donan Castle. Spike
and Kaylee, in Highland gear, head the wedding party.
Kaylee and Spike's loved ones fill their wedding party,
including Jon and Maria, Khandy and Shirley, but definitely
not Jonella.
Spike offers tips to the patient WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER.
Spike and Kaylee wave to the crowd at the premier of The
Thief of Dubai. And Kaylee... is pregnant.
At The Hollywood Castle, Jon, in yarmulke, and Maria, under a
chuppah, disappear under confetti, in kilts, and take their
vows.
In the Temeraire distillery basement, a small label hangs
over several large barrels. It reads: Uisge Beatha, “water of
life” - do not open until 2034.
A fire glows inside a warm craftsman near the Pacific Ocean
cliffs. Justin, Jon, and Maria huddle by the fireside.
TODDLERS in kilts play in an ante-room. A calendar is framed
on the wall with just two months showing - May and September.
Inside a doorway gently lit by the fire’s glow, Spike slips
the lamp into Kaylee’s hand and she wraps her fingers around
it and gently closes the bedroom door.